《Petrichor: Act One》 Prologue: The Devils Trill Elizabeth August 29th, 2012 It¡¯s raining down again. Grace Ciotta stares at her new school. It¡¯s the first day and she already feels out of place, intimidated even. Grace looks slightly past the school to only see a giant forest behind it. She has noticed the entire town is surrounded by this forest, with a mountain as a background. She moved here at the beginning of summer but rarely left her room since. When she looked up the small town she moved to, she expected to not find much about it. Grace did not expect it to have an urban legend and gossip around it. Darkwood, Washington, the cursed town that haunts, she read. It¡¯s almost always engulfed in heavy clouds. When it¡¯s not, it¡¯s burdened by heavy droughts. This is how it¡¯s always been. The kids in this town walk past Grace without ever noticing her. Everyone here has known each other since childhood, it''s rare for someone to move here. It''s much more common for people to leave. Grace gulps down her nervousness and takes a step forward but she¡¯s immediately shoved on accident. Grace stumbles to keep her balance then looks at the girl who bumped into her. She''s tall, pretty, and stylish, everything Grace is not. This beautiful girl rushes inside the front doors and stops to look for someone. ¡°Morning, Elizabeth,¡± one of her teachers greets her as he passes by. Elizabeth fakes a smile and heads to her locker. Grace takes a deep breath and heads inside. The school seems bigger on the inside than it looks on the outside. To her immediate left is the front office and her right is the front commons that lead the halls that go to class and the staircase that leads to the next floor. Grace spends a second looking at the map she was given and sees where her first class and her locker are. Next to her locker are the girl''s bathroom and a classroom right across. She notices the cliques around her. There are just the jocks and popular girls besides her. This area is supposed to be for freshmen but everyone here are juniors or seniors. Grace spots the beautiful blonde girl who bumped into her talking to two of her friends. Elizabeth doesn¡¯t like any of the people she¡¯s talking to anymore. She simply puts on a fake smile and carries any conversation she¡¯s given very lightly. The bell rings and she rushes to class without much of a goodbye. She sits in the very back corner of the classroom so she can look out the window. Elizabeth likes to look at the gloomy sky and into the wilderness of the forest that she hates. She can''t wait for it to rain just so she can have something else to hate. She does this in her second class, then her third. During fourth, her usual seat is taken by her new friend she made over the Summer so she sits in front of him. ¡°Fuckin'' A'', Ellie,¡± Andrew greets her. ¡°Throwing a fucking rager at the house tonight. Thought it would be a good way to start this shitty year, no?¡± ¡°It¡¯s Wednesday, Drew,¡± she answers in monotone. ¡°Hasn¡¯t stopped us before.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not going.¡± ¡°Oh?¡± Andrew laughs. Elizabeth hates this laugh. ¡°The Queen isn¡¯t attending? I¡¯m offended.¡± ¡°Whatever,¡± she says and leaves it at that. Elizabeth heads straight to the cafeteria and is the first one to sit at her old clique¡¯s table. She rather prefers to sit with her new friends she made over the summer but she has appearances to keep. It¡¯s something she knows isn¡¯t important but is rather forced to. She stares at her ex-boyfriend as he walks in and sits at his table. Then all of her new friends come in and sit next to him. Summer was just a temporary thing, she isn¡¯t really friends with them, Elizabeth thinks. - Elizabeth¡¯s friends show up and immediately start on the latest gossip. Today¡¯s hot topic is how Lucas is now hooking up with that goth girl, Sara. This is shared between the five people sitting around the table, excluding Elizabeth because she isn¡¯t talking. The topic switches over to Andrew¡¯s party. ¡°Where is it at?¡± Elizabeth¡¯s ex-best friend, Megan, asks. ¡°It¡¯s in this abandoned house Andrew found a few weeks ago. It¡¯s kind of small but on the other side of town on 12th. It¡¯s perfect, nobody ever goes there¡± one of her male friends answers. ¡°Sucks that Jana Kramer is gonna miss it," Megan sighs. ¡°Where is she?¡± one of the girls asks, ¡°Well whatever. I just hope it''s as good as the last few, those were dope.¡± ¡°Yeah, because you got totally shitfaced,¡± Megan responds making everyone except Elizabeth laugh. ¡°I invited this freshman to come. She just moved here, she¡¯s cute, but like ugly cute. A complete dork.¡± ¡°Ew, a freshman?¡± ¡°Yeah, I found her at gym class. We can totally fuck with her.¡± Elizabeth stops paying attention and looks over to her ex¡¯s table. He¡¯s staring at her. She looks away. She hates the way he looks at her, it¡¯s intoxicating. Still, she had a great time with him over the summer. If only things wouldn¡¯t have gotten so chaotic. Elizabeth looks up to the ceiling and it starts spinning. The spins only accelerate and the words of her annoying friends do nothing to help. ¡°Ellie, what are you thinking? ¡± a girl asks. "Remember that night where you-" Those words start a ringing in Elizabeth''s ears, cutting her from hearing the rest. She reaches her hand down into her back, feeling the cold metal inside. She pulls her hand out and picks up the bag instead. Her friends watch in confusion as she rushes to the restroom. Elizabeth ends up dry heaving down into the porcelain. She can''t remember the last time she ate. The stall¡¯s wall stares back as the spins slowly come to a halt. After a while, her vision becomes normal but she dry heaves again once it does. This round catches the attention of a girl who has walked inside the bathroom. The girl listens right outside unsure what to do. ¡°Are you okay?¡± she asks, placing her palm on the door and accidentally opening it. Elizabeth looks over and spots the girl¡¯s lanyard first that carries her school ID. Grace Ciotta, it reads. She¡¯s the girl Elizabeth accidentally bumped into before school started. She¡¯s a freshman but looks like still belongs in Middle School. Elizabeth notices Grace¡¯s big eyes that are amplified more from her thick oval glasses. Her hair is unkempt and in a childlike bobcut, has braces that do nothing but make her ugly. She''d be hideous if she had any acne. Grace is a complete dork and Elizabeth can''t help but feel sorry for her. This town will eat her alive. Grace moves away when Elizabeth just scoffs at her to leave the bathroom. She¡¯s confused but relieved that Elizabeth didn¡¯t say anything mean to her. So far, everyone she met has been kind and friendly, far different from what she experienced her entire life. Grace thinks that maybe High School is the place where she can finally escape all the teasing and bullying she''s been getting all her life. Grace gets home after school without any issues on her first day. She was even approached by one of the popular girls. She never expected to be invited to a party on her very first day. She thinks that her mom made the right decision to move. A fresh start is the best way to make friends. Of course, she doesn¡¯t tell her mother that she''s going to a party. Not that her mom would know as she won''t get home until after sunrise. Grace stares at herself in the mirror for a while. A new life, she thinks. She smiles. Grace isn¡¯t beautiful by any means. At least that¡¯s what she thinks. She knows hardly anything about makeup and beauty. She wears glasses, has braces, and likes things like video games and anime. She feels like a walking stereotype. There isn¡¯t anything interesting about her. Grace hasn¡¯t even gotten her period yet. Grace has always been the laughingstock of her middle school, but that was California, this is now. This is a new chance to reinvent herself, to be cool. To have a friend. - Elizabeth stares at her ceiling while she lies in bed. Her phone has been constantly vibrating due to her fake friends trying to contact her. They¡¯re all trying to get her to hitch a ride with them so they can improve their social standing. Elizabeth knows this which is why she agreed to go with her friend Emily. Emily isn¡¯t concerned about any of that and just wants to have a good time. Elizabeth also wants to stay civil with Emily, despite how envious Elizabeth is. Staying good friends with Emily is a good way to piss off her ex. A car honks outside, signaling to Elizabeth that Emily is here. The Queen of Mickle Ray High School jumps out of bed and runs downstairs to meet her friends. Inside the car are Emily, Sara, and Chris. ¡°No Cody?¡± Elizabeth asks after getting in the back seat next to Chris. She¡¯s surprised her ex-boyfriend isn¡¯t with Emily, the two are usually never seen separated. It¡¯s part of the reason they broke up in the first place. ¡°He¡¯s already there,¡± Emily answers while adjusting her hair using the rearview mirrors. ¡°Chris, got any coke? Sara?¡± ¡°Did some before coming, sorry,¡± Sara answers. Chris doesn¡¯t say anything and pulls out a small baggie containing the drug out of his big green parka. He always wears this and is never seen with anything else. He gets called homeless because of this, but it never bothers him. ¡°Thanks, Chris.¡± Elizabeth digs into the bag and uses her nail as a spoon. She wastes no time snorting the powder up. The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation. This is how it is now. This is how it is in this town. She wasn¡¯t always like this. Elizabeth takes a deep breath and thinks of the first time she bought drugs. - It was with Andrew who introduced her to a tall and slim black man in a suit named Acid. They were just outside the Seattle skatepark. Elizabeth extended her hand, ¡°Hi, I¡¯m Elizabeth.¡± Both Andrew and the man look at the hand. Andrew smirked. The man said, ¡°How much.¡± ¡°Oh, u-um, a hundred?¡± she says nervously as she pulls out the cash. The man slaps her hand away as Andrew rolls his eyes. ¡°Fuck, put that shit away.¡± ¡°Let¡¯s walk,¡± Andrew tells her as the two turn around. That was her first drug deal. - Before then, she got her drugs from Andrew, usually for free. Elizabeth just wanted to experience what an actual drug deal was like. The girl thinks about how out of control it got over the summer and how tired she is. It''d be better if Andrew never stopped selling to her so she didn''t have to rely on her friends to get a high. She rests her head on the side windows and looks out into the darkness. It¡¯s nothing but trees as they loop around the forest into the edge of the town. Emily and Sara aren¡¯t paying attention to Elizabeth. They¡¯re talking about one of her friends and how Sara is forced to be with him to put up her charade. Elizabeth thinks back to the conversations she had with Sara; and how she gave her the idea to hook up with him. She feels silly telling her that now that she knows how Sara''s brother is really like. She decides to amplify her high and does the last bit of the molly she has. She hasn¡¯t ever mixed the two and wonders how great it¡¯ll feel. Chris watches her and says nothing. The coked-up girl almost gags, she hates the taste of both of the drugs she¡¯s doing and doesn''t have any water to wash it down. - Grace Ciotta doesn''t know what to wear or how to dress. Nothing she has will make her any less of a dork than she already is. Her mom always told her to be herself and not try to be different just to fit in. That advice has never worked, but it''s a new start. Grace decides to wear what''s comfortable for her and then hops on her bike. The ride to the address she was given only gets darker and darker the closer she gets. - Elizabeth is the last inside and greets everyone she has to. She ignores Cody, her ex. They didn''t end on good terms and haven''t spoken much since. Cody is always so intense, but collective. It makes her feel good; protected. It¡¯s why he scares her. Cody has always been present in her life, but only now have they been this close. She hates it but also loves it. Even after what happened between them, she still feels that Cody just wants the best for her. She begins the night with a line of Blow again; cocaine, snow-white, yeyo, Lois Lane. Nieve. It helps her reach the top of her world. She starts drinking, talking, flirting, and having fun again. There isn''t a dull moment because everyone wants her to talk to them. Chris gives her a tab of E. Andrew gives her another line of blow. Cody sees this and tries to stop her but Elizabeth blows him off. This all happens while she¡¯s drinking a cup of Fireball with no chaser. Her vision becomes hazy, then blurry, then normal, only to spin again. She finds herself outside talking to strangers she never met yet and adding them on her socials. Her phone vibrates with a text from Jana Kramer. The text tells Elizabeth to be safe and have fun. If only they hadn''t walked in the rain the last time they saw each other. Jana wouldn¡¯t have gotten sick and would be here, but that¡¯s for the best now. Jana Kramer was never the type of girl to come to parties and was a floater to her clique. They only recently got close although have been friends for years. Elizabeth stares back at the text and it makes her smile. She doesn¡¯t know how much time she spends turning that smile into a frown. - Grace arrives and nervously enters the house after finding a place to hide her bike. The first thing she notices is the lack of furniture and then electricity. The music is playing from a huge speaker that she''s been hearing as she approaches. The house is lit only with LED lanterns and lamps throughout the house. There are foldable tables everywhere and hundreds of drinks and cups on top of them. She rushes over to one to grab her first drink, her very first alcoholic drink. Megan walks in frustrated that Elizabeth blew her off outside and spots the small girl she invited. Excited, she walks over to Grace, ¡°You came!¡± - A group consisting of Cody, Emily, Chris, Andrew, Sara, and Elizabeth find themselves together in the backyard. They are sitting on a couch surrounding a table with a bottle and cups being lit up by a lamp. Elizabeth is sitting on the opposite side of Cody. Emily and Sara are talking to each other, seeing that they''ve been best friends since Sara¡¯s Freshman year. Andrew interrupts them, getting up and sitting between the two. His loud voice calls out for shots, increasing by amount for each person after every pour to be taken in a chain. Already faded, everyone agrees and laughs while Andrew prepares the liquor. Cody stares at Elizabeth, watching how she rolls her eyes toward the sky. He knows she is too far gone now and there isn''t a thing he can do about it. He then looks at Emily, his childhood friend since they were born. She smiles at him but quickly looks away to rejoin her conversation with Sara. Emily feels the situation to be a bit awkward over what happened a week ago between Elizabeth, him, and her. Andrew gives Cody one shot, Chris two, Emily three, his sister Sara four, Chris five, and Elizabeth six. The bottle of the blueberry cocktail is nearly empty when he finishes. Cody starts the chain of drinking. ¡°Fuckin¡¯ Hell mates,¡± He laughs with a grin on his face. ¡°Not very strong but delicious,¡± Emily comments. Chris has been observing the whole time. It¡¯s his favorite pastime. He glances over at Cody who¡¯s been unusually quiet lately and catches him looking at Elizabeth again. She, herself, just finished the final shot and starts to laugh picking up a folded-up dollar bill off the table as it contains cocaine. ¡°Jesus, Ellie, want to slow down?¡± Sara worries. "As if you''re any better," her brother laughs. Chris notices that Andrew and Sara both share the same little mole on their left Eyelids. This is the only thing they share that might make people think they¡¯re twins. Nothing about the two would give that away. They couldn''t be more different. Emily asks. ¡°Chris, you good?¡± ¡°Huh? Yeah, yeah.¡± Sara feels her phone vibrate and checks it out with blurred vision. A couple of texts asking to hook up with the guy she''s been seeing. It ruins her mood. Emily looks over and reads them and tells her to cheer up. Sara fakes a smile feeling exhausted now, wanting the party to be done so she can go to bed. Andrew gets up from his seat and extends his hand over to Emily. ¡°Let''s go somewhere private so we can have fun, yeah?¡± It grabs Cody¡¯s attention but before he can speak, Emily does his job for him, ¡°Uh, no thanks.¡± ¡°Yeah, whatever,¡± Andrew says knowing that Emily tolerates everything he does. He breaks into her house all the time when he¡¯s invited over just because he finds it funny. He always wanted to fuck Emily, but she''s never entertained the idea. It''s that constant rejection that makes her so attractive to him. Andrew thinks about it as he walks back inside to talk to some girls from another school. ¡°I told him to stop hitting on you, but he doesn''t listen, Ems. Sorry,¡± Sara tells her. ¡°He¡¯s such an asshole.¡± She gets out a cigarette and debates if she wants to smoke or not. ¡°Sara, that¡¯s gross, don¡¯t smoke,¡± Emily tells her as she feels the effects of the tequila set in. She smiles when she sees Sara throwing it away. The two have been besties for two years now, the two trust each other like sisters. ¡°Chris, give me a line,¡± Chris pulls out a bag from his green parka jacket and tosses it over to Emily. ¡°It¡¯s the last I have,¡± he says. ¡°Cody, want some?¡± ¡°Ems,¡± Cody speaks up wanting to stop her but knows he has no right to. ¡°You know I don¡¯t do that stuff anymore.¡± ¡°Pussy,¡± Sara jokes. Elizabeth starts to pay less attention to her friends. They¡¯re all having a good time while she¡¯s sitting there, suffering. It¡¯s been an awful summer and now she has to deal with everything that comes after. There¡¯s something about the future that¡¯s frightening. She watched it all come down at a brush fire earlier in June. That month was especially dry. She watched part of the forest burn down alongside Cody and thought there was nothing prettier. Cody told her that the smell was sweet to him. Elizabeth only found the smell to be deceitful. The fire was small and only known to them. It would have grown out of control if the rain hadn''t come to end the drought. Elizabeth fell in love with that fresh smell of rain coming out of the payment. She gets up from her seat and stumbles her way to the door to lead her inside. ¡°Ellie, you okay?¡± Emily asks her but Elizabeth only hears the words drowned in bubbles. Andrew catches her as she falls opening the door. ¡°Yo, fuckin¡¯ watch it.¡± Ellie looks around and finds herself uncomfortable with the couple of eyes staring. Cody comes from behind her and asks, ¡°You want to go home?¡± She shakes her head, ¡°No, I¡¯m fine. I just need to drink some water.¡± She''s usually great at handling her alcohol, but her stomach''s been empty for days now. The MDMA in her system is on full blast and she hasn''t done enough coke to counteract the liquor. It would be a good idea to get some disgusting food in her but realizes that it¡¯s pointless now. After a couple of glasses of water, she heads back outside and finds her friends laughing together. Emily and Cody are sitting together now, she doesn¡¯t like that. It only reminds her that in the end, it¡¯ll never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough. She looks at Sara and only sees a train wreck, like herself. She pours herself another drink before blacking out. Through more cocaine, she¡¯s able to become conscious through bits of her blackout. - Elizabeth remembers she left her purse in Emily''s car and goes back to get it. She doesn''t notice Chris is sitting on the hood, staring at the sky. Chris looks over and sees Elizabeth pull out what she has inside and she realizes he''s watching. Chris doesn''t say anything. Elizabeth doesn''t say anything either while she puts it back inside. She wonders if he can see through her facade tonight. Chris is the smartest person she knows although thinks has a few screws loose. Nothing bothers him and goes with the flow. With what Chris just saw, Elizabeth expected at least some reaction. Chris just knows not to interfere with people¡¯s decisions. At some point, she¡¯s stopped by multiple people asking if she''s doing okay. She can barely recognize them. Elizabeth takes a random pill lying on the table and another shot of the tequila. Someone else stops her again, this time it¡¯s Megan. She¡¯s always been Elizabeth¡¯s shadow; always wanting to be her, always jealous. A snake in the grass. Elizabeth hates everything about her. All she sees is a mirror. Megan says something and Elizabeth gets ready to pull out the cold steel out of her purse. Elizabeth responds with a, ¡°no,¡± and then notices who Megan is standing next to. She blacks out again. - Elizabeth finds herself alone in the woods. It¡¯s impossible to see at night. It¡¯s past 2 AM and she only carries her purse. Her shirt is covered with throw-up and wonders how that happened. Yeah, that¡¯s what I was doing, she thinks. Elizabeth barely recalls running away from the party after getting barfed on. One of her friends tried to help her but it was too late; everyone was already laughing and she was just trying to get away. She hears her name being called out by her friends. They¡¯re looking for her. He hears Cody''s voice the closest, but it¡¯s too late. She''s in front of a cedar tree that''s taller than the rest. The stars aren''t visible and a few droplets of rain are tickling her cheeks. Disoriented, Elizabeth pulls out the only thing inside her purse now. The cold heavy metal that haunts her. ¡°Hey, I¡¯m really really sorry,¡± Elizabeth hears from behind. It¡¯s the little freshman girl from the bathroom, Grace Ciotta. The girl who Megan was with at the party. She¡¯s drunk and her lips have a few chunks of food on them. Right now, Elizabeth only finds Grace beautiful. She can''t tell if she''s hallucinating the dim light emanating out of Grace. How unfortunate it had to be this way. ¡°Sorry, I threw up on you. It was an accident.¡± Elizabeth looks at the ground, then at Grace, then the sky, and then back at Grace. "I''m so sorry," Grace repeats. Elizabeth smiles and says, ¡°Don¡¯t be,¡± She raises the gun, places the barrel on her temple, and doesn¡¯t hesitate to pull the trigger. Grace screams. 1. Grace I: The Unknown Grace I I¡¯m not woken by the sound of my alarm or my mother waking me up. I¡¯m woken by the gunshot that echoes in my head almost every time I think about it. What follows is the faint raindrops that hit the roof and the glass of my room¡¯s window. It¡¯s raining down again. I stare at my ceiling not wanting to get up, not wanting for this day to come. I¡¯ve been avoiding it for way too long, but it¡¯s time to return to school. The therapist my mom put me on helps, but sometimes I feel it isn¡¯t enough. I get up and put on the glasses that I hate, pants that are getting hard to fit into, and a shirt I had since 6th grade. The mirror stares at me back; just a girl who wants to be pretty; wants to have friends. But that will never happen, will it? Mom hears me move around my room and knocks on the door to check up on me. ¡°Today is going to be good,¡± she says. She wasn¡¯t mad when she found out. Mom was actually relieved I had the guts to sneak out like that. Of course, no one expected what happened so maybe that¡¯s why she wasn¡¯t mad. She worries about me and loves me but never enough to have time for me. Her job doesn¡¯t allow it with a sporadic schedule like hers. Still, she tries her best, after all, I¡¯m the reason why we moved here. She wanted me to start anew somewhere else. So much for that plan. Mom tosses me a sweater, ¡°Here, it¡¯s gonna be cold today and it¡¯s raining,¡± she says before taking her leave. ¡°Be ready in 20.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± I say weakly. I¡¯m ready in 10 and do nothing but stare at my room. It¡¯s nothing but posters of all the anime I watch, a desk with a shitty PC I use just to escape, a single window with white curtains. Across my room is my bathroom that has all the unused makeup that I barely bothered to learn. Mom¡¯s room is close. Then there are the two empty bedrooms. Down the stairs in single hallways connecting everything is the living room that connects to the kitchen. There¡¯s a bathroom that leads into the laundry, then to the garage. We¡¯re lucky to have this house considering Dad¡¯s dead and Mom is constantly working to keep us afloat. I take a good look around town as Mom drives me to school. We moved here right after middle school ended. The house was given to us by my Dad¡¯s parents, he¡¯s originally from here. Darkwood, Washington, they call it. The cursed town. At least that¡¯s what it¡¯s known as online. A city swallowed in rain clouds more often than not. Miles east of Seattle, far enough to be isolated from the world. A city surrounded by mountains. In the center of it is this great forest you can see from almost anywhere. The entire city is sort of a crescent moon that wraps itself around this forest. To the west is where everything is. The school, the shops, the businesses. It¡¯s also where the only entrance and exit is. A lone street that connects to the highway and where the cutest diner lies. To the north of the forest is where I live. Houses of a suburb, unremarkable but safe. The south of the city is smaller and I have only been there once while exploring the town on my own. It¡¯s not that it¡¯s poor, but not well kept. I often came across a lot of houses that looked abandoned. It wraps around the forest but never actually connects itself to the east, leaving the forest to lead into the mountains. The north is the same, but the further along you travel towards the east, the richer the houses become. On both sides, both areas thin out the further your travel. Right before you hit the forest again, there¡¯s this dirt road that leads east, into the forest, into that abandoned house where it all began. The high school itself is on the very edge of the west side of Darkwood, directly connecting to the forest. Everyone is either walking here or getting rides, such as myself. Mom stops right at the entrance, next to the big sign that reads: Mickle Ray High School. ¡°It¡¯s gonna be okay, sweetie,¡± Mom reassures me. ¡°I¡¯m gonna go to bed, but call me if anything happens.¡± I watch her leave as I¡¯m left to myself for the wolves. Nobody pays attention to me, which is good. The less attention I get, the better. I don¡¯t want to be known as the girl who- Right as I enter the school I see the shrine. It¡¯s in the center of the foyer that connects all the hallways and the upstairs. I don¡¯t watch TV or read the news so I never learned her name. Everyone called her Elizabeth. I get to see her full name for the first time. Elizabeth Wilson. She¡¯s surrounded by flowers, notes, and lit candles. People are still paying their respects. She was that popular after all, huh? The echo of the gunshot rings my ears again. The smell comes back too. The taste of the blood as well. I¡¯m pushed into the bathroom and my back hits the stall. I¡¯m pushed down to my ass and all I hear is, ¡°What the **** are you doing back?¡± It¡¯s Megan, the girl who I met in gym class and invited me to that party. The girl who I followed around and got drunk with and thought was my friend. Her blonde friend is with her and is making sure no one comes in. ¡°Um,¡± is all managed to say. Megan kicks me in the chest, a feeling that¡¯s all too familiar. ¡°It¡¯s all your fault! You shouldn¡¯t have been there. It should¡¯ve been you.¡± She kicks me again, this time my head hits the stall. The anxiety kicks in the panic. It¡¯s middle school all over again. This time I just can¡¯t run away and move again. I feel the salt coming but I can¡¯t even cry because my body won¡¯t let me. It¡¯s not fair. It wasn¡¯t my fault. I just wanted to apologize. I didn¡¯t know she was going to shoot herself. Why did she do it? My eyes open when I feel slightly sticky water hit my head, spit. ¡°Whatever,¡± Megan scoffs as she shoves my shoulder with her boot. I¡¯m left to wince in pain as the bell rings. It¡¯s the perfect cover to let out a small cry. This isn¡¯t how I wanted the day to start. Everyone must know it was me who was there at this point then. Nobody would want to be my friend, not that I ever had any, to begin with. All I have are the people with who I play online games. People who don¡¯t know me and don¡¯t know how I look like. The dean¡¯s office isn¡¯t any help. I¡¯m flabbergasted by his words, ¡°Megan O¡¯hare? Don¡¯t be ridiculous, that girl is a saint.¡± He doesn¡¯t believe me. Once again I¡¯m left alone. I read the name on his plate on the desk. Mr. Scrote. ¡°Everyone here is mourning, it¡¯s not good to spread rumors. Now head to class.¡± He¡¯s serious. What¡¯s wrong with this place? At least everyone ignores me and doesn¡¯t talk to me. It¡¯s all I can really ask for at this point. To be left alone? Yeah, that sounds the best. Nobody even looks at me. It¡¯s like they don¡¯t even know. Maybe they don¡¯t. Maybe they do and can¡¯t look at me. Or maybe I¡¯m just that ugly. I do look out of place. A freshman that still looks like a kid, wearing an Adventure Time T-shirt. Right, I forgot. I am ugly. Then, by third period I start to hear the whispers in the hallways. I¡¯m called ¡®brain guts¡¯ and hear the giggles and chuckles, but it¡¯s never directed at me. All it does is bring back those bad memories. Not just of that night, but of middle school. The gunshot comes back. This time with the screaming. I hear the screaming like it¡¯s right next to me. Then all the red and blue lights start flashing before me. Gosh, then the questions. All the damn questions. I start to drown everything out again. Lunch comes around and I don¡¯t even bother getting food. I just find a spot in the corner of the cafeteria to sit so I won¡¯t be bothered. It¡¯s far away enough from all the popular kids and everyone else. I can see all the different cliques from here. Every school has them I guess. The only people closest to me are what I think band geeks. While looking around, I spot someone staring at me so I quickly look away. I look back for a quick second and their gaze hasn¡¯t averted. It¡¯s a girl with long, wavy, dark red hair. She smiles at me and I can only look away. She looks familiar. I keep my head down in hopes of nothing else happens. It doesn¡¯t work as I feel someone sit across me. It¡¯s her, isn¡¯t it? ¡°Hey-a,¡± she says with what I assume is a smile. I don¡¯t say anything back, don¡¯t even lookup. ¡°You¡¯re in my AP calculus class. Eight period? What¡¯s a freshman doing in a senior class?¡± Again, I don¡¯t say anything back. ¡°Must be pretty smart then, huh? I didn¡¯t even know it was possible,¡± she giggles. ¡°My name is Emily, and you are?¡± After a long pause of silence, I feel her grabbing my lanyard to look at my ID. ¡°Grace Ciotta? Gracie, what a pretty name.¡± ¡°What do you want?¡± I finally say. ¡°To say hi. Thought we could be friends.¡± I finally lookup. She¡¯s beautiful up close. Her hair is as large as her body. She has actual green eyes that I never thought were real. Emily wears her freckles proudly and doesn¡¯t hide them. The black cardigan sweater is too large for her but she makes it work. I notice she has a black bandana with red roses tied at her wrist. Emily is so cool. ¡°Why?¡± ¡°Why?¡± Emily almost laughs. ¡°You¡¯re funny. I like you already,¡± she smiles again. ¡°I don¡¯t have friends.¡± ¡°Well consider me your first friend.¡± ¡°um, it¡¯s okay. You don¡¯t have to force-¡± Emily places her hand over my mouth. It¡¯s just her sweater sleeve. ¡°Listen, I don¡¯t have to hear it. It¡¯s okay. I know who you are, Gracie. I¡¯m not here to bother you, just thought you could use someone to talk to after-well-¡± she stops herself. ¡°Take your time. Uh, when you¡¯re ready, care to join my table with me and my friends? I¡¯ll be right over there.¡± Emily points to a table past the band geeks. The table is large but not many people. I can¡¯t see them very well. There¡¯s just a girl with black hair and a guy with a green parka. I look at Emily¡¯s ID card before she gets up. Emily Crowe, Senior. She¡¯s just another Megan, isn¡¯t she? I watch her rejoin her friends and it¡¯s only until one of the band kid moves is that I see the guy in the green jacket has been staring at us. Emily felt nice. Her voice was really warm and I do feel like I could believe her. She couldn¡¯t even mention what happened, maybe in consideration of me. She was at that party, I¡¯m sure of it. I want to trust her. It¡¯s just like in the anime I watch. I can¡¯t make friends if I don¡¯t try. I have to try and before long I find myself standing over their table. This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. Emily smiles at me and motions at me to sit down. The girl with the black hair completely ignores me. The guy in the green parka stares at me, never looking away. ¡°Chris, Sara, this is Gracie. She¡¯s new here.¡± The girl with black hair finally looks at me. ¡°¡®Sup,¡± she says. Her voice is a sharp contrast to Emily¡¯s. Opposed her Emily¡¯s soft and warm voice, Sara¡¯s is sharp, a bit harsh, but sweet at the same time. She scares me. Sara is in all black, like a poster child for a goth kid. Or is it punk? I¡¯m not sure. Her jacket is all black with small metal studs. She¡¯s wearing a black crop top underneath and I can see her belly button is pierced. Her earrings have earrings and I¡¯m not sure to wear one necklace ends and begins. Chris, the guy with the jacket hasn¡¯t moved at all. He honestly looks homeless, as in someone who doesn¡¯t take care of himself at all. A weirdo is what comes to mind. He doesn¡¯t even say anything either. I catch Sara looking me up and down. ¡°Cute,¡± she says. ¡°Right?¡± Emily follows. ¡°Uh,¡± I mumble. ¡°Chris, stop staring, you¡¯re making it weird.¡± Chris¡¯ brown eyes move down to the table. ¡°Sorry,¡± he says. ¡°Got lost in my thoughts again.¡± ¡°Sorry about him. He¡¯s high again.¡± ¡°Again? You mean still,¡± Sara laughs. ¡°Question is on what.¡± ¡°Mushrooms,¡± Chris answers. This is wild. I¡¯ve been here a total of a minute and I¡¯ve already felt so unrelatable. The only thing I¡¯ve done is get drunk and that party was my first time too. This is also something I heard about this city. There¡¯s nothing to do so it¡¯s an open secret that everyone party as hard as they can. I should¡¯ve known that the party I went to was held on a Tuesday. Who does that? The trio leaves me alone for most of the time they talk. Emily and Sara are the only ones who talk, Chris never says a word. It¡¯s all high school gossip, just like in the movies. Who hooked up with her, who has the latest beef with who. What she said, he said. Not once is Elizabeth mention. The only time I feel like she¡¯s referenced is when they talked about how Megan is becoming the new queen bee of the school. I guess I only mention that is because I feel safe. For once, I¡¯m around people who aren¡¯t hurting me. I¡¯m not being bullied or picked on and people don¡¯t mind my presence. It¡¯s nice. Real, nice. I want this to last. ¡°Grace, where are you from?¡± Emily asks me. ¡°Not many people move into town.¡± ¡°Oh, uh, um. California.¡± ¡°LA?¡± Sara asks. ¡°No, um, Reddings.¡± ¡°Where¡¯s that at?¡± ¡°Like way north. I¡¯ve never been to LA.¡± ¡°Oh cool, why¡¯d you move here? Before I can answer, someone screams, ¡°WHAT THE **** ANDREW?!¡± All of our attention is diverted to the center of the cafeteria. Megan is the one who screamed, she has soda spilled all over her shirt. A dude is on the floor laughing his butt off. That¡¯s the popular kid table, where everyone wants to be. Where I want to be. Besides Megan, and don¡¯t recognize anyone there. ¡°I was wondering where he was at,¡± Emily says.¡± ¡°And Cody?¡± ¡°Still nowhere to be seen.¡± ¡°You know where to find him, you just don¡¯t bother,¡± Chris finally speaks. The way he enunciated his words is odd. It¡¯s like he isn¡¯t human. The bell rings and it¡¯s only then I realize how much time has passed. I was so caught up enjoying their conversation that I forgot. ¡°See you in class, Gracie,¡± Emily says standing up. ¡°Sit next to me.¡± ¡°See ya, dude, hope you stick around,¡± Sara says to me. Chris is the last one to stand before me. He watches them leave with me and then turns to me and says, ¡°but suicides have a special language. Like carpenters, they want to know which tools, they never ask why build.¡± ¡°Huh?¡± Chris just smiles, ¡°The devil is everything you wish for,¡± he says and just leaves without another word. ¡°Weirdo.¡± That hour was the break I needed. Hell returns the second I walk back into the hallways. People seem to notice me more and I hear their snickers as I walk by. Megan finds me and pushes me into the lockers. ¡°Freak,¡± she snorts and walks away. I look around me and it¡¯s nothing but stares. I guess I had myself fooled that everything would turn out okay. Still, I guess I have some little hope left. Whatever it may be. That hope comes in the form of Emily who is waiting outside of our last class for the day. She spots me, smiles, and continues to look around as if she was waiting for someone else. ¡°Sit next to me?¡± She says, walking in when I approach her. Standing next to her makes me feel like a dwarf. I never realized how tall Emily is. The class seats are divided in the middle with the two sections facing each other. Emily sits on the far left, closest to the window where we can see the student parking lot. ¡°Any trouble?¡± Emily asks when I take the seat next to her. ¡°What do you mean?¡± Emily gives me a small smile, almost wistful. ¡°Nevermind.¡± The bell rings and class starts. The start of the lecture is on integrals which bores me. Everything the teacher goes over I already know so I stop paying attention and look around the class. Everywhere here looks so old, so mature. I already feel out of place with my grade, being surrounded by seniors is a different story. I feel like an alien compared to them. My desk has Emily¡¯s name written on it with a red pen. I look over at Emily¡¯s and hers has another name written on it. ¡®Cody¡¯ it reads. I take out my pen and write my name under Emily¡¯s. She notices and gives me a warm smile. I wonder what she¡¯s thinking about right now. ¡°Cody, nice of you to join us. 15 minutes late,¡± the teacher says, bringing my attention back to class. I can feel Emily¡¯s eyes stare at the boy who just walked in. My eyes move to him as well. ¡°Yeah, well, I got lost,¡± he answers with a slight smirk. His eyes move to Emily as he walks down the middle of class to take his seat. He then takes a look at me. My heart immediately feels like it dropped. It feels like it¡¯s no longer there. His eyes are intense as if they¡¯re lasers that are piercing into mine. They dart back to Emily and he chuckles as he takes the seat directly across us. The lasers move back to me. They¡¯re so fierce. They¡¯re analyzing me, watching my every move, judging me and their curiosity doesn¡¯t waver. It feels like they are looking straight into the very being of my soul and ripping it out. ¡°You¡¯ll learn where this class is one day, don¡¯t worry,¡± our teacher says. ¡°I bet I will,¡± he says without breaking eye contact with me. I look over to Emily who is staring at the boy. Her mouth let out a silent, ¡°hi,¡± He wears clean clothes. A pristine white v-neck shirt that hugs his slender body. Dark blue jeans fade towards the knees and are tucked into his converse. There are bracelets around his left wrist but after that, there are no other accessories. His shaggy brown hair compliments his beige skin. Crap he¡¯s hot. I can¡¯t look away. Why doesn¡¯t he either? Eventually, he does, but I can¡¯t help but look over once in a while during class. When the bell rings, Cody doesn¡¯t hesitate to leave. Emily doesn¡¯t waste time and chases after him. She walks into view of the class¡¯ window, visibly frustrated. ¡°Grace, right?¡± My teacher walks up to me. ¡°Second day, huh?¡± ¡°Oh, uh, yeah.¡± ¡°You seemed bored today. Considering it rare for freshmen to start with this class, it¡¯s safe to assume you¡¯re a math wiz?¡± ¡°Uh, I wouldn¡¯t call it that. I¡¯m no genius.¡± ¡°Then what would you call it?¡± ¡°Pointlessly liking it for no reason.¡± ¡°Liking math?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± My teacher laughs. ¡°That¡¯s good to hear. Not many like you these days. If I gave you the final right now, do you think you could pass?¡± I shake my head. I don¡¯t know why he¡¯s asking me all this. ¡°No, I wouldn¡¯t go that far.¡± ¡°Hmm. Don¡¯t be so humble. It¡¯s impressive really. There¡¯s only been two who started this class their freshmen year. Coincidently they¡¯re in the same grade together.¡± ¡°Uh, did you talk to them like you are to me now?¡± The teacher nods. ¡°I gave them one of them the final their first day. Passed it with a near-perfect score. Rubbed it in my face. The other declined and told me he doesn¡¯t want to be noticed. Shame that they turned out the way they did.¡± ¡°And what¡¯s that?¡± The teacher shrugs, ¡°The city ate them alive. I hope it doesn¡¯t eat you alive either. You seem like a nice kid, don¡¯t let it happen to you either.¡± His words resonate. It¡¯s just like the online talk. This city is cursed but I don¡¯t know why or how. I leave class perplexed and with Emily waiting outside. ¡°Are you walking? Want a ride?¡± I accept and follow Emily to the student parking lot where everyone is rushing to leave. Sara waits behind a red Honda. ¡°Dude, can you drive me to Lucas¡¯?¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to put on a facade, Sara. Did he not show up to school again?¡± ¡°No. Something about getting weed for the week,¡± Sara¡¯s attention turns to me, ¡°Sup, Gracie.¡± ¡°Hi,¡± I say back. ¡°So is that a yes?¡± Sara asks Emily. ¡°Fine.¡± ¡°Great, you¡¯re the best!¡± After Emily drops Sara off near the east of Darkwood, she asks me where I live. Turns out we don¡¯t live very far from each other, just a couple of blocks. Then again, the city isn¡¯t very massive and can be explored in a couple of hours of walking. ¡°Do you mind if I come in?¡± Emily asks right as we arrive. Emily is genuinely trying to be my friend, so why not? She doesn¡¯t care much about the inside of the house. She only calls it pretty and clean. I guess that¡¯s normal, it¡¯s just a house. I just don¡¯t know what to expect, I never had anyone over. Emily takes a good look around my room. She doesn¡¯t say anything and it makes me nervous. She sits on my bed. ¡°You don¡¯t have any friends, do you, Gracie?¡± ¡°No, I just moved here over the summer.¡± ¡°No, I mean in general.¡± ¡°Oh, um,¡± I look away. ¡°Uh, yeah. Not really.¡± ¡°Then the thing with Elizabeth happens,¡± Emily sighs. ¡°Gracie I¡¯m so sorry you were at the wrong place. It shouldn¡¯t have happened to you.¡± I¡¯m naive about things, not dumb. That¡¯s all this was then? Emily was just taking pity on me? ¡°It¡¯s okay, I¡¯m used to it.¡± ¡°Used to what? The bullying?¡± ¡°Yeah¡­¡± ¡°I saw what happened before class started.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not complete pity, in case you¡¯re wondering why I came up to you at lunch,¡± Emily says firmly. I sit down on my chair next to my desk. ¡°I just saw a lot of myself in you when I first saw you.¡± ¡°How so?¡± ¡°I only had one friend in grade school. I was a dork and a loser.¡± I can¡¯t imagine Emily looking anything like me. She has to be lying but then again her voice is sincere. Maybe I am stupid and can¡¯t tell a lie from a truth. ¡°Be our friend?¡± Emily asks. ¡°My group is wild and crazy and sometimes insane, but we all look out for each other. Best yet, we can stop that b**** and anyone else from picking on you.¡± There¡¯s a moment of silence. It¡¯s odd having another person besides my mom be concerned about me. The feeling¡¯s nice. She¡¯s so kind and cool. ¡°Okay. I will.¡± ¡°Glad to hear it.¡± Back when I was at that party, Megan would give me a drink every time I finished one. I always heard beer was bitter but I never thought it to be so disgusting. I only powered through to look cool. Looking back at it now, she just wanted to get me drunk so she could mess with me. I do remember a point in the night where I was outside with her. She was staring at this group sitting down by the porch around a table. They were all drinking and laughing. Elizabeth was with them. Megan was telling me how Elizabeth abandoned her friend group just so she could hang out with the drug fiends. She resented Elizabeth because of it and the two were only pretending to play nice with each other now. It¡¯s only now that I can remember who was in that group. That crimson dark red hair is unforgettable. I can finally get my answers. ¡°Why did she do it?¡± ¡°Sorry?¡± ¡°Why did Elizabeth kill herself?¡± There¡¯s a long silence. For the first time since I first met her, Emily frowns. ¡°It¡¯s best if you don¡¯t get involved with that.¡± ¡°But I want to know! I was right there!¡± Emily stands up. I¡¯ve upset her. ¡°Sit with us again tomorrow. I have to get home now.¡± ¡°Tell me!¡± I stop her right before she leaves my room. I even stand up. Have I ever been this assertive? ¡°We don¡¯t know,¡± Emily says with a sigh. ¡°Lies.¡± She shakes her head. ¡°Then believe what you want. Nobody knows. Everyone has their own little theory but none of that matters. It¡¯s not like she left a note. Just leave it alone, please.¡± ¡°Okay¡­¡± ¡°I¡¯ll see you at school.¡± I think over the events of the day. The night has come and Mom has woken up to get ready for work. I was wrong. These next few years won¡¯t be a repeat of middle school. Not when I have Emily and her friends by my side. Hopefully. It¡¯s not right that Megan called her a drug fiend. It¡¯s just alcohol and probably weed, it can¡¯t be that bad, can it? Sara¡¯s a bit scary but just as cool. I thought she would be cold-hearted but based on everything she talked about today, she seems like she¡¯s just trying to figure herself out. She isn¡¯t mean and talks like a boy but doesn¡¯t seem like she¡¯ll be mean to me. Chris is weird. He kept staring at me but in a way that seemed like he wasn¡¯t paying attention to me either. He doesn¡¯t talk and looks like he isn¡¯t paying attention to anything. The words he said to me, why did he say them? I think about the eyes that locked onto mine in calculus. Cody¡¯s. Gosh, I never felt anything like it. It was so intense, scary, and exciting. He¡¯s a proper pretty boy. Just thinking about him makes me¡­warm. I¡¯m warm inside. I¡¯m warm down there. I think about him some more. He¡¯s in Emily¡¯s friend group. That means I¡¯ll get to meet him, talk to him. I¡¯ll get to know him. Cody will get to know me. Maybe I can¡­ I¡¯ve never done it before. It¡¯s fantasizing, right? It¡¯s a bit wet down there. That¡¯s never happened before. Anything about this, really. Especially the naughty thoughts. I reach down. My heart is pumping like I¡¯m on a run. It¡¯s wet. Should I taste myself? Its blood. ¡°MOOOOM?!¡± 2. Emily I: For the Best Emily I Eternal friendship is supposed to be eternal, right? We cannot predict it, we cannot see it, or feel it. It¡¯s just there. It cannot be broken, merely tested. I think that¡¯s what¡¯s going on right now with Cody and me. It¡¯s been being tested ever since the start of summer. It¡¯s been wrong ever since Cody decided to date Ellie. He just grew more and more distant until eventually¡­ Then Ellie died and he hasn¡¯t been the same since. I close my eyes so I can hear the soft rain hitting my window a bit better. The sun isn¡¯t even up yet. I don¡¯t think it ever has. Today I feel like wearing an oversized t-shirt whose sleeves cover my entire arms. A red skirt underneath and tights under those. As always, the black bandana around my wrist. I braid the back of my hair into a ponytail and head downstairs to begin the day. As usual, Dad isn¡¯t home but I don¡¯t ever expect him to be. He always leaves the Keurig brewing just for me and a note telling me to have a good day. I read through all the text messages I miss. Some from Sara, some from our friend Carlos, even more from Andrew. None from Cody. Reading¡¯s Sara¡¯s text about how Grace never talks to us without us asking her a question reminds me that I never got her number. That¡¯s going to be the first thing I do when I see her. I close my phone and hear just how quiet this house can be sometimes. Chris stands in the middle of the school¡¯s entrance staring at the sky. Today marks the 300th straight day I¡¯ve seen him with his green parka. It¡¯s become its own legend at this point. Everyone wants to know exactly what¡¯s in those pockets. The truth is unless we¡¯re going out, there¡¯s nothing. Chris isn¡¯t actually stupid enough to carry with him at all times. He¡¯s far from stupid, to begin with. I say hi but he ignores me as usual as he¡¯s stuck in his own little world. Sara once asked him why he¡¯s always staring at the sky. Chris said, ¡°I like watching the clouds move by with the birds. The two play this beautiful song of harmonics.¡± We had no idea what he meant so we just left it at that. Chris is by far one of the most interesting people I¡¯ve met when he¡¯s sober. It¡¯s a shame he hardly ever is. Cody can¡¯t even convince him to quit. The two have been best friends just as long as I''ve known the two. We all grew up together. Speaking of Cody, he shows up for school for once. He¡¯s staring at me from across the street. He¡¯s just dying to come to talk to me, just like I¡¯m dying to talk to him. Yet he won¡¯t, but I try all the time. I¡¯ve told him time and time again that I¡¯m not afraid of him but he just won¡¯t listen. It aches me knowing he¡¯s been hurting and won¡¯t let me in. What kind of best friend is that? How does that live up to the promise we made to each other? Everyone¡¯s right, his eyes are intoxicating but they don¡¯t work on me anymore. I stare back at him, daring him to man up. I just want my friend back. Nobody can make him break eye contact when he watches you, I can. Cody turns his back and walks away from the school. I text him: u can¡¯t run 4ever I watch him read it, then after days of trying, he texts back: I¡¯m not But he is. He¡¯s afraid of doing what he did to Elizabeth, to me. Cody blames himself for her death. How do I tell him he wasn¡¯t? What I told Grace two days ago is the truth. Nobody knows what happened. All we could do is put the pieces together, which we tried. There are just too many other pieces missing. How do I tell him it¡¯s my fault she died too? How do I tell Grace? The poor girl, I can¡¯t even imagine going through what she went through. Even before then, she¡¯s someone who hasn¡¯t made very many friends. She¡¯s so naive and underdeveloped it¡¯s hard not to feel bad for her. No one deserves to be alone. She¡¯s my friend for that reason. I catch her putting away her notebooks in her locker. The freshman lockers are on the other side of the building from my class. I stand out from most kids here because of my height, I feel more normal around my peeps. Regardless, Gracie stands out even more. The girl seriously needs some help on how not to look like a stereotype. ¡°What¡¯s your first class?¡± I catch her off guard. ¡°Oh, uh, hi Emily,¡± she says nervously. Everything she says comes out nervous. I¡¯m not sure she¡¯s aware of that. ¡°I have biology first.¡± ¡°Cool,¡± I extend my palm as a gesture for her to hand me over her phone but she doesn¡¯t get it. ¡°Give me your phone, I¡¯ll give you my number.¡± ¡°Oh okay,¡± I¡¯ll give Grace something, her smile is really cute. She hands me over a beat-up flip phone with a key chain of an anime character I don¡¯t recognize. I call myself and hand over her phone, ¡°you should get a new one. No one uses flips now.¡± ¡°That¡¯s okay, I don¡¯t call anyone except my mom.¡± I giggle. ¡°I¡¯ll see you at lunch?¡± Gracie nods, holding her phone to her chest and a slight smile that barely shows her braces. ¡°Yeah.¡± - I¡¯ve been friends with Sara since I was a freshman. I¡¯ve always known who she was because of her brother but she never talked to any of his friends. We first talked when we bumped into each other by chance at a Hot Topic in Seattle. I remember she was a bit like how Grace is now. Sara always had her alternative style and has always been pretty. Back then, she was always in the shadow of her brother so she was always shy and had few friends. Who she was then, isn¡¯t who she is now. Sara wasn¡¯t hiding. I think about this while I hear the quiet moans of Lucas while I wait outside of the boys¡¯ bathroom near the gymnasium. Nobody comes here as it¡¯s disconnected from the main building; it¡¯s the perfect place to fuck. This is the fifth time I¡¯ve waited outside this year. I¡¯ve never heard Sara make a pip. I still don¡¯t. ¡°Hey Ems, she¡¯s all yours,¡± Lucas says to me with a smirk as he comes out like it¡¯s something to be proud of. Sara comes out shortly after. ¡°How long are you going to keep doing this?¡± I ask her. ¡°Until I¡¯m fixed.¡± I roll my eyes. ¡°While you¡¯re at it, fix being a dumbass too.¡± Sara gives me condescending smile, ¡°I¡¯ll try.¡± ¡°C¡¯mon, Gracie¡¯s sitting with us again.¡± ¡°I¡¯m surprised we haven¡¯t scared her off yet.¡± ¡°She¡¯s tough.¡± ¡°Try lonely,¡± Sara laughs. ¡°Whatever dude, you¡¯re not the one who¡¯s gonna be forced to be friends with her after you graduate.¡± ¡°She¡¯s just a little lost. I promise she¡¯s cool.¡± ¡°You make the weirdest friends,¡± Sara laughs, then points at herself while we walk to open the doors to head back to the main building. ¡°Exhibit A.¡± ¡°Hmm, there¡¯s a long list before I reach you,¡± I laugh. We find Grace sitting at our table with Chris. I don¡¯t think the two ever had a proper conversation so they just sit in silence. Shortly after we arrive, our friend Isaac arrives to sit with us. All we¡¯re missing is Cody and Andrew but Cody never comes to school anymore and Andrew is always at Megan¡¯s table. ¡°So um,¡± Grace speaks in a lull in our conversation. ¡°I had my very first period the other day.¡± The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there. That grabs everyone¡¯s attention save for Chris. ¡°Oh my god girlie, no wonder you¡¯re such a little thing,¡± Isaac says. I¡¯ve wondered why she looked underdeveloped. I always chopped it up to her being poor or something like that. I guess we were always taught it could happen anywhere between 10 and 15. But then wouldn¡¯t she have a growth spurt before that like everyone else? You can cut her hair and she¡¯ll 100 percent pass as a boy right now. Sara laughs, ¡°Yo, who starts a conversation like that?¡± Reserved now, Gracie says, ¡°Oh, uh, I just wanted to share. I never get to talk about things going on with me.¡± ¡°It¡¯s cool, Grace. I was only making a joke. D¡¯you freak out?¡± Sara asks. ¡°Obviously!¡± ¡°Ew. Like in school?¡± Isaac giggles. Gracie shakes her head. ¡°Before I went to bed.¡± ¡°You excited?¡± I smile at her with my head resting on my palm. ¡°You get to catch up to everyone now.¡± ¡°Um, I guess.¡± Chris looks down from the ceiling for the first time the entire lunch. ¡°Diva de Los Muertos,¡± he says. Everyone ignores him because it¡¯s gibberish, but translated he said, Diva of the dead. Again, another cryptic sentence. I worry about him. Before anyone can say anything else, Carlos appears out of nowhere. I¡¯ve never seen him without a smile. I also still haven¡¯t agreed to go on a date with him. Not that he isn¡¯t a bad person, just that I¡¯m done dating now. I just want¡­ ¡°What¡¯s up, guys. Andrew found us this dope rave happening tonight. Shit¡¯s gonna be cray, you coming?¡± ¡°Yeah, he told me this morning,¡± Sara answers. ¡°We¡¯ll see.¡± ¡°It¡¯s Thursday,¡± Gracie says. ¡°What¡¯s wrong with that?¡± Carlos shrugs. ¡°Come and hang out, show Megan you ain¡¯t a loser, then she¡¯ll stop picking on you.¡± ¡°You know about that?¡± Carlos shrugs again, ¡°We all know. We feel bad, but you know, It¡¯s Megan, what can you do?¡± I look over at Megan¡¯s table. Andrew¡¯s sitting next to her, making her laugh. The only reason he¡¯s there is because he¡¯s trying to fuck Megan¡¯s number 2, Amanda. Guess he¡¯s doing a shit job at it since she¡¯s hardly paying any attention to him. Or maybe that¡¯s part of his game? Either way, it¡¯s peaceful when he doesn¡¯t sit with us so I like it. ¡°You think Cody is gonna go?¡± I ask. ¡°Pfft, the entire school is going now. This shit is supposed to be underground.¡± I texted Cody hours before I got ready. I texted him before I left and I texted him right after I arrived. Nothing. None of that matters anymore. I¡¯m just here to get fucked up. It¡¯s been a while since any of us have gone out. People have been slowly getting into things, but it¡¯s been awkward. Most of the time it¡¯s been kickbacks at the forest¡¯s campsite. There hasn¡¯t been a full-blown rager yet, not in Darkwood at least. Sara and I stand on the street in Seattle the rave is supposed to be at. It¡¯s just us two and we¡¯re not exactly in the nicest of neighborhoods. We hear the bass of the music but we can¡¯t locate where it¡¯s at. ¡°You see anyone? Maybe we can follow them,¡± Sara shivers. I take a look around and nobody is around. There¡¯s an unusual amount of parked cars around so I¡¯m sure we¡¯re at the right place. Andrew never texted us what building it¡¯s at. ¡°Has he responded?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Shit.¡± Sara and I walk down the dirty road, past a few abandoned buildings to figure out where the sound is coming from. Eventually, we find where everyone is gathering. The warehouse isn¡¯t exactly pretty. It¡¯s covered in what I think are brush branches that climb to the ceiling. Guess it doesn¡¯t matter. We walk in as soon as we swallow the pills full of MDMA we had ready for tonight. It¡¯s packed, just like expected. I know nobody but that doesn¡¯t matter. I¡¯m just here to get fucked up. We make our way to the front of the stage where we find Andrew blitzed out of his mind. He¡¯s already so gone that I can¡¯t help but laugh. I want to be that gone. The drugs take a while but they kick in. The heat, the sound pressure, the sweat, the lights, and all the chaos; I feel it all. It¡¯s so damn good. It¡¯s a shame Gracie didn¡¯t want to come, she would¡¯ve loved this. I get it though, she¡¯s still traumatized. I can¡¯t think about that too long. I don¡¯t want to worry. I just want to have a good time. Don¡¯t know who I dance with, and I don¡¯t really care. It¡¯s all the same to me, just a body to feel good with. That¡¯s all this night is. Fuck Cody, fuck his issues or insecurities or whatever. If he wants to lose me, he can lose me. I tried. But it¡¯s never that simple. It¡¯s towards the end of the night and I¡¯ve lost sight, Sara. It¡¯s too hot outside, it¡¯s even hotter inside. There are no clouds out right now, no stars either. I bet Chris would have something weird to say about the night and stars if I asked him about it. Who knows where he¡¯s at right now. As I look down I spot a girl with completely white hair walking past me. She takes a look back at me and I catch a bit of her side-profile. Her entire skin is pale and her eyes almost seem like they¡¯re glowing. She¡¯s a damn ghost. It reminds me of a rumor I heard. I look back up at the sky then straight down just to sigh. What the fuck am I doing here? ¡°You¡¯re here,¡± his voice sends chills to my spine. I never thought he showed. ¡°What are you doing here, Code?¡± I say to him, not turning around to see him. It doesn¡¯t matter. He walks up beside me and sits down on the sidewalk. I¡¯ve no choice but to follow. ¡°I came with Andrew.¡± There¡¯s a few seconds of silence. I have nothing to say to him. Cody looks nice, always does. The hipster girl and skater boy, the ultimate combo. ¡°How¡¯d you been?¡± There are a million things I want to say to him, all of them not good. I like to think tough, but I don¡¯t have the lady balls. After all, I¡¯m in love with my best friend. ¡°Been better. You?¡± ¡°Who knows?¡± ¡°Why do you barely show up to school anymore? Haven¡¯t your parents noticed?¡± Cody nods, ¡°They have. Can¡¯t force me if I still pass.¡± ¡°And how will you?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll pass.¡± There¡¯s more silence. ¡°What have you been up to?¡± ¡°Thinking.¡± ¡°You¡¯re always thinking. I never see you anymore. You don¡¯t talk to me anymore. Stop pushing me away.¡± I pull my knees towards my chest and hug them. ¡°I miss you.¡± ¡°I know.¡± ¡°Then answer your fucking calls! What if I need you?¡± ¡°You have me¡­I¡¯m just no good for you.¡± ¡°Bullshit.¡± We look at each other for the first time. He¡¯s completely sober. Ever since that night I haven¡¯t seen Cody take a pill, take a drink, or smoke. He¡¯s been pushing against them even before all that. Watching what happened to Elizabeth because of us changed him. It changed all of us. ¡°Emily, you don¡¯t-¡± ¡°Ems,¡± I correct him. Cody sighs and drops his head. ¡°I need to be by myself for a while.¡± ¡°How long is a while?¡± It¡¯s not easy to resist his eyes while being high. It¡¯s been so long since I felt entrapped. It¡¯s his best feature and how he pulls any girls he wants. Everything about him is extra. It¡¯s hard not to fall for him. Plenty of other people have, but they¡¯ll never have what I have. ¡°Have you gone to the treehouse?¡± he changes the subject. I assume he has if he¡¯s mentioning it. ¡°No.¡± It¡¯s been a while. I haven¡¯t been there since the night where we played hide and seek in the forest. I still remember that night as if it happened yesterday. We played in pairs and hid in the forest trying to get to bade without getting caught. Elizabeth and I were partners at one point and managed to get to base; which was the treehouse. She asked me if I hated her because she was with Cody. I told her no. I told her I didn¡¯t care that she was dating Cody because I knew I was going to be the one who would end up marrying him. I shouldn¡¯t have said that. I knew those words made her jealous but I did it anyway because I was the jealous one. She made me feel like I was being replaced and I didn¡¯t like it. I resented her for slowly taking Cody away from me. Elizabeth asked me if I ever had sex with him. She asked if he ever came. That was the night Elizabeth started to hate me. I miss her. ¡°If you ever want to find me, I¡¯m there,¡± Cody says. ¡°I know.¡± We sit in silence until some ruckus near us causes us to look over to see what¡¯s happening. Of course, it has to be Andrew. He¡¯s surrounded by Megan and her friends. Some of the guys are pushing him and he¡¯s just laughing it off. ¡°What is he doing?¡± I ask. ¡°What else?¡± Andrew laughs hard enough for me to hear it. He points to each person individually and says something to make the guys mad. I think one of the girls starts crying. Elizabeth¡¯s group one by one starts to leave, saying something to him before leaving. It¡¯s hard to see what everyone is doing, it¡¯s so dark but I know it¡¯s destruction. One of the girls, Amanda, walks in our direction, she stops and says, ¡°I don¡¯t know why you hang out with that prick,¡± before walking past us. ¡°I wonder what happened,¡± Cody comments. Andrew¡¯s a walking ball of destruction. We all know he had a hand in Elizabeth¡¯s death but he won¡¯t tell us with what. Cody knows too but won¡¯t tell me. I¡¯ve already figured out what it could¡¯ve been. I look up to the sky again. I can¡¯t believe Gracie¡¯s desire to figure out what happened is getting to me. It was supposed to be dropped. We were supposed to leave it alone because none of the pieces would fit. But look at me now, thinking about it all over again. Shit, it¡¯s been weeks and the cops still don¡¯t have a clue. Nobody does. Cody stands up and says, ¡°I¡¯m sorry for ignoring you. Just,¡± he pauses. ¡°Give me some time.¡± And just like that, he leaves me alone again. Alone is what I find myself in when I get back home. Sara bailed on me, Cody is MIA again, and Dad¡¯s not home yet. The house is always so quiet, I hate it. It¡¯s been that way ever since Mom left. I had fun tonight, danced, got fucked up, felt up, and even talked to Cody. It was supposed to be a good night, so someone tell me why I feel so damn empty inside. That¡¯s when it starts to come back; the panic. I dial Cody, he can stop it. He always does. He doesn¡¯t answer. The world starts to blur and shake. My throat burns with thirst and the metronome tick of the clock only gets louder and louder. Tick, tick, tick. It¡¯s getting cold. Everything starts to disappear. Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. My father holds me in his arms. I¡¯m crying like I¡¯m six again and he¡¯s making everything alright again. I just want my friend back. I miss Elizabeth. I don¡¯t want to worry about it anymore. I want everything to be back to normal. I just want Cody to forgive himself. Why can¡¯t I make it better for him? Why aren¡¯t I enough? I¡¯m never enough. 3. Andrew I: Smells like/Teen Spirits Andrew I One thing I learned is that nothing matters. Nothing is real, everything is an illusion. Everything is a ghost that haunts us in the form of the past. It¡¯s not there. I¡¯ve been having these dreams, yeah? They don¡¯t feel any different than reality. But in these dreams, the ghosts always seem to be catching up to me. The Past, she¡¯s comforting, but she¡¯s not real. Never is. So that¡¯s why in these dreams I¡¯m always falling. I live on the edge. I¡¯ve been molded too. I keep seeing her, the bitch. She¡¯s always next to me, faded and laughing. Elizabeth doesn¡¯t know what she¡¯s doing or why she¡¯s here. She¡¯s just fucked up, the same as I am. I fucked her then. Think she¡¯s the one who fucked me. Thought the heat was going to be brought on me. Good ol¡¯ Andrew Mera finally getting what he deserved, but Nah, nothing ever happened. I still get talked to from time to time but at this point, I ain¡¯t worried. There were too many hands in it, too much of a mess. The bluebirds don¡¯t care. Nothing in this town changes. It¡¯s fucked. Those who heard about it think it¡¯s cursed. Nah, fucked that. It¡¯s just that nobody gives a shit. Everyone here is just a twat. It¡¯s why I do whatever the fuck I want to do. And I get good pussy too because of it. It¡¯s fun though. I¡¯m this town¡¯s drug dealer so I get to know everyone. And getting to know everyone means I know all their secrets. Secrets are information and blackmail, so it¡¯s fun. People are fucked up. They¡¯re all so desperate and lonely. Not me though. I¡¯m Andrew fucking Mera and nothing can touch me. There is this fucking guy thinking he can sell at my party. Just ¡®cause it¡¯s in good ol¡¯ Seattle don¡¯t make it his. I got everyone to come, so it¡¯s mine, my money. So I kick him to the curb before it starts. Fucker can¡¯t even take a punch or a kick. Fuck him. I get on top of him and smash his fucking head with my fist a few times. ¡°Do you know who I work for?¡± The pussy coughs. ¡°You¡¯re fucking dead, kid.¡± I hit him one more time, ¡°Yeah, and who¡¯s that?¡± ¡°Lyle, dumbass,¡± he laughs. ¡°Sessions is gonna be here too.¡± I get off of him, not because I¡¯m scared, but because he makes me laugh. Shit man, that¡¯s fucking funny. I think a few moments to have me a giggle while he gets himself up. ¡°You let me live, you¡¯re gonna regret it. You kill me, you¡¯re gonna regret it.¡± ¡°Go on then!¡± what a fucking pussy. Using someone else to shield him. ¡°Call him! See how that goes. Now get the fuck out of here before I change my mind, yeah?¡± ¡°You¡¯re fucking crazy,¡± The bastard chuckles and gets the hell away from me. ¡°Hope you live through the night.¡± He doesn¡¯t know who the fuck I am either. But none of that matters, yeah? Party fucking starting so I head inside to find myself a bathroom. I fucking love Coke. Goddamn, make me feel complete. Nothing else compares to it. Anyone who doesn¡¯t agree is a fucking liar or hasn¡¯t done enough of it. Shindig kicks off with a banger. Mad bitches show up all ready to be fucked up. Easy money. I pop some random pills I¡¯m given and head to the dancefloor to get fucked. I love these underground things; no rules. The music always hits and there isn¡¯t ever any drama. I¡¯m dancing with this girl when I spot Emily walking through the crowd with my sister. My white whale, my future Magnus opus. Fuck, just getting a glimpse of her makes me horny. I take this girl¡¯s hand and pull her through the crowd and into the bathroom. Some pussy is already in a stall throwing up. I push the girl into the other one and kiss her. She isn¡¯t as fucked up as she wants to be, but she doesn¡¯t mind. ¡°Fuck, you¡¯re hot,¡± she tells me. I fuck her right then and there, against the door, surrounded by piss and toilet paper everywhere. Elizabeth¡¯s shitty friend eventually shows up. The main one, Megan O¡¯heare is this Elizabeth wannabe. She¡¯s just a jealous bitch who lived in the shadow until Ellie finally kicked it. She fucking hates my guts and I used to fuck with her all the time. She thought a little picture of Elizabeth smoking weed was enough to ruin the Queen. Shit, Megan could never be her. The golden girl who never did any drugs. It¡¯s why I posted her texts with the old history teacher online. The dude¡¯s not teaching this year so I¡¯m sure he got fired. It was the talk of summer, but nobody cares now. Now she wants my dick, funny how that works. Lucas Myers and Amanda Myers are in my grade. Both are little snakes. Amanda wants to take Megan¡¯s spot next year just how the little status quo likes to be kept. Swear she is the dumbest girl I¡¯ve met. Has no idea I¡¯m fucking her and Megan. She acts like she doesn¡¯t want me but man her texts say a different story. I¡¯m pretty sure Lucas is fucking my sister, the cunt. Don¡¯t like the kid. Motherfucker acts like he owns the school just because he has daddy¡¯s money. Nah, he never had a single struggle in his life. Wish he spent a day with my dad, see how he fares. Connor Don¡¯tknowhisshittylastname is supposed to be dating Megan. He¡¯s like Lucas but self-aware enough to know he¡¯s a tool. Not a bad guy but damn does he suck up to me for some blow sometimes. Carlos G is the only one who I can fucking stand. We get into fistfights all the time ¡®cause it¡¯s funny. The dude knows his place and just tries to float by as the exotic ethnic kid. The only thing that pisses me off about him is that he tries to go after my Emily. Nah cuz, I don¡¯t like it but Emily sees through him anyways so I¡¯m not worried. Finally, there¡¯s Alyssa Ibarra. She¡¯s a fucking enigma, can¡¯t ever get a read on her. I think she¡¯s smarter than she shows and is only friends with these people for their connections. She¡¯s never in any drama, never a bitch to people, and kind to everywhere. I want to fuck her tonight. Think she¡¯s the only one who truly ever cared about Ellie. Nah, there was another one. I never see here these days, Jana Kramer. All these idiots think I¡¯m their friend. This is my grand finale of what I¡¯ve been working on for the past few weeks: I pull them outside before they get too fucked up. ¡°What do you want?¡± Lucas asked, rightfully so. I laugh. Emily fucking hates this laugh of mine. ¡°I just can¡¯t believe you all came.¡± ¡°What about it?¡± Amanda has her arms crossed. I can still see her small little nipples poking out of her crop top. ¡°Nah, it¡¯s just it¡¯s been two weeks since Elizabeth- Y¡¯know,¡± I imitate the death croak. ¡°The fucks wrong with you,¡± Megan says. ¡°It¡¯s what she would have wanted,¡± Amanda adds. Fuck them all. Elizabeth hated every single one of them. ¡°Nah you got it all wrong, love. She fucking stand any bit of all you. Called you all snakes in the grass,¡± I laugh. ¡°Shut the fuck up, Andrew,¡± Megan scoffs. ¡°Like you, when you were sucking my dick last night.¡± Megan jerks back and Connor pushes me back ¡°Don¡¯t be spreading lies, man. Not cool.¡± I tilt my head up to Megan, ¡°Wanna tell ¡®em, love?¡± Yeah, of course, Connor wouldn¡¯t believe it. He fucking loves the girl. I turn to Amanda. ¡°How ¡®bout you? You seem to like the taste of Megan¡¯s pussy on my dick.¡± Amanda pushes me back. ¡°That¡¯s not true!¡± Her brother just stares at me blankly. Does he not have a brain? ¡°You not hear me, cunt? Your sister¡¯s pussy is mine.¡± He shakes his head, ¡°You¡¯re sad man.¡± ¡°What the fuck is wrong with you?¡± Connor adds. ¡°So all this time you-¡± Megan¡¯s in tears. That¡¯s fucking hilarious. She¡¯s the first break. Connor notices, ¡°You fucked him?! Him?!¡± Holy shit. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± Megan¡¯s in full tears, fucking finally. Elizabeth would¡¯ve loved this. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to, it just happened. Fuck I can¡¯t do this.¡± She¡¯s the first to go. ¡°You fucked him?!¡± Connor chases after her. Fucking hell, this is all for you, Ellie. ¡°So it¡¯s true? You also fucked him?¡± Lucas asks his sister. ¡°I-¡± she can¡¯t even speak and decides to leave. Weak. Lucas punches me in the chin, but I let him. This was worth it. ¡°I can¡¯t fucking believe you,¡± he leaves next. Carlos laughs and pats me in the back, ¡°You¡¯re a funny dude, thanks for the night.¡± Alyssa is the last one to stay, surprisingly. ¡°What was your goal here?¡± She asks. ¡°Thought it would be funny. It was.¡± ¡°Well whatever it was, I hope it was worth it,¡± she says before turning around and being the only one who heads back inside. Fucking hell. That was funny. Once it stopped being, I look down and to the side where I spot Emily. She¡¯s standing by her lonesome a few feet away. I¡¯m sure she has seen me but just doesn¡¯t care. Cody must have just finished talking to her. He¡¯s the only one who can make her stand there looking so depressed. The two love birds refuse destiny¡¯s path. Shit. If Cody won¡¯t, I would. I will. Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel. ¡°You holding up, babes?¡± I greet her. Ems takes a quick look at me before turning away. Fuck. What¡¯s with this bitch? She¡¯s still a sweetheart, yeah? But whatever is going on with her makes her such a bore nowadays. I still fondly remember the days where we would just spend all day getting high and walking around Darkwood. Ems used to get fucked up with us at parties too. She stopped in the middle of summer. Dunno if it was because she didn¡¯t like what Elizabeth was becoming, but I bet it was that. ¡°What do you want, Andrew?¡± ¡°Just saying hi? Or is that crime now?¡± ¡°When it comes to you? Yeah.¡± I can¡¯t tell if she¡¯s joking or not. I¡¯m too fucked to tell. ¡°You alright?¡± Emily doesn¡¯t say anything and just leaves. Fuck. - I get a text message later that night: ¡°You shouldn¡¯t sell in other people¡¯s areas.¡± So formal from Sessions. ¡°Run it by first.¡± The next one reads. - The fucking social circle Elizabeth hated is in shambles by the time I show up to school. Man, she would¡¯ve loved this. Connor and Lucas want to fight me. That¡¯s pretty funny. They won¡¯t do shit because they know they couldn¡¯t take me. The girls won¡¯t even look at them. No one is sitting at their lunch table when the time comes. Shit. I guess it¡¯s time for me to sit with my peeps then. I look over and I decide against it. They¡¯re still sitting with Brainguts even though I told my sister to stop being her friend. The kid¡¯s a fucking little flatchested, no-ass-having, weeaboo weirdo. They shouldn¡¯t fucking pity her. What¡¯s worse is that Emily and Sara won¡¯t admit it. - Cody rejects my pipe leaving me to take his hit for myself. I¡¯m not complaining but man is he getting fucking boring too. Everyone is. Everyone is letting this stupid fucking suicide get to them. At least Chris is the only one who hasn¡¯t changed. ¡°You fucker.¡± I cough, how rare. ¡°Emily is having a kickback tonight, you should go,¡± he says. ¡°Why? You motherfuckers are so boring now.¡± ¡°You can keep an eye on her.¡± Is he¡­? ¡°Besides, the little ruckus you caused her to invite Alyssa. If you ever wanted a chance, it¡¯s this one.¡± ¡°What the fuck are you talking about, Codes? Stop being a pussy and talk to your girl.¡± ¡°You know why I can¡¯t.¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I take another hit. ¡°Still makes you a pussy.¡± - Emily¡¯s pastel room smells just like her. She likes to lit some sort of cherry candles that now have left this permanent aroma in her room. The dumb girl has plushies all over her room. Some I recognize, some I don¡¯t. She¡¯s a neat freak and doesn¡¯t like it when I move things around her room. She likes it even less when I enter her room through her window. It¡¯s a bit creepy but I¡¯ve been doing it for so long that it became funny to me. If she really hated it she wouldn¡¯t let me stay afterward. It¡¯s not that I¡¯m a creep when I¡¯m here though. Ems opens the door, notices me, and yells, ¡°What fuck Andrew? Again?!¡± she sighs and then says, ¡°Go help Sara, she¡¯s downstairs making the punch. We¡¯re supervising Gracie getting drunk tonight.¡± Behind her is the small little Brainguts that everyone pities or bullies. She hides behind Emily, clearly being scared of me. Good. ¡°The fuck she¡¯s doing here?¡± ¡°We¡¯re her friend.¡± ¡°With Brainguts? She looks eight.¡± My comment makes the little girl grab Emily¡¯s hand. ¡°I¡¯m 14,¡± she says timidly and weakly, like a bitch. ¡°Go help Sara! And not another word, she¡¯s our friend now so she¡¯s yours too.¡± I chuckle. ¡°Alright, I get it.¡± I walk past them, making sure I shove the little girl with my arm. ¡°Sorry about him, Gracie. He gets a bit getting used to.¡± I hear Emily as I walk down the stairs. My sister doesn¡¯t need any help. She¡¯s perfectly capable of making some fire shit without me. She smiles at me while I watch her mix some drinks into a bowl. Some jungle juice shit. Sara is the spitting image of our mom. ¡°You alright? You¡¯re staring.¡± I shrug. ¡°Waiting for you to finish. I want first.¡± Sara giggles. ¡°My only honest critic. Chris arrives a little after gayboy Isaac. Cody doesn¡¯t show up but Alyssa does, just like he said. Carlos makes a surprising visit as well. We all hang out in the living room as Alyssa spills all the gossip that has unraveled after the rave. It¡¯s all trivial shit. They were all having affairs and everyone hates each other now. Not that I care anymore. I get a text from Cody: ¡°Keep her safe¡± I lick the blood off my gums as I look back at everyone¡¯s cheer as the little girl takes her first sip of the very delicious cocktail Sara made. I wish I could applaud her, I¡¯m too distracted. Why the fuck does Cody have to be such a pussy now. She¡¯s been so fucking alone without him. Why does he have to be such a dick and ignore her because he¡¯s afraid of himself? He¡¯s letting what he did to Elizabeth get to his head. ¡°How is it?¡± Sara asks the little girl. I should learn her name at some point. She coughs, ¡°It¡¯s sweet then terrible.¡± ¡°You ever smoked?¡± I ask. She shakes her head. ¡°Fucked? You a virgin?¡± Emily smacks my arm. ¡°You don¡¯t have to answer him.¡± It¡¯s a bore. I roll my eyes and pour myself some more juice and drink it in one go. I do it again, then another. The Gracie girl looks at me in awe. She might as well have been born yesterday. The real party starts. Emily turns up the music and gets up to dance with Isaac and Alyssa. Carlos and I go outside for a minute to smoke. He tells me some random shit that I know won¡¯t remember. When we get back inside, Grace is awkwardly dancing with my sister. The fuck is this? Everything I took finally starts to hit and I have to sit down a second. Fuck this isn¡¯t like me. Emily flops her body next to mine. ¡°Thanks again for getting the liquor. Don¡¯t know how you get it.¡± ¡°I know some guys,¡± I laugh. She giggles. ¡°Of course you do,¡± she says with an intoxicating smile on her face. ¡°Wouldn¡¯t be surprised if you knew a guy who knew guys.¡± ¡°I know a lot of people.¡± ¡°I know you do,¡± she smiles. I can smell the strong stench of alcohol out of her breath. It¡¯s just as sweet as her smile. ¡°I don¡¯t know why you have to be such a dick sometimes. It doesn¡¯t suit you.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t dwell on my life too much, Ems,¡± I say getting up getting ready to go to the bathroom for a piss. I feel her tug on my shirt. ¡°Do me a favor?¡± She¡¯s looking up at me giving me those eyes. The same eyes Cody has when he wants something. She looks over to the side and tilts her head. She¡¯s looking over at Grace who¡¯s now learning how to dance from Alyssa. I know what she¡¯s asking. ¡°We¡¯ll see.¡± Sara likes to do this thing in the bathroom. I guess I do too. I worry about her a lot. Whatever this is, it isn¡¯t healthy. Hell, she¡¯s becoming a loose cannon lately and I¡¯m not sure if I like that either. But fuck it, who am I to judge? I don¡¯t even know why I¡¯m thinking about her. When I get back, Isaac is passed out. Fucker can never hold his liquor. Chris is still on the couch inside his head. Sara¡¯s wasted and Emily is talking to Carlos. Grace is rocking her body side to side to the music. Dunno where Alyssa¡¯s at. The next thing I see, everyone is dancing again, myself included. I can¡¯t keep my eyes off Emily who¡¯s clearly drunk now. I chuckle as I watch Grace try to dance while drinking out of her glass which only results in her spilling. Alyssa¡¯s grinding on me. Carlos passes out. Everything starts to move too fast. All the laughter, all the chatter it disappears for a moment. For the first time in a while, I feel drunk; out of my control. Emily¡¯s favorite song starts playing. ¡®Walking on a dream.¡¯ I take a sit back and watch Emily and Grace dance together. The little girl crashes and Emily brings my hand up to dance with her to the second half of the song. I catch every single scent of her pheromones. It drives me crazy. Like cherry milkshake, no, sweeter. Everything she does is poison. Emily grinds on me, raising her hands to hold her head, and steps her feet to the music. The song ends, then All night long starts. We both hate this song but that doesn¡¯t matter. The bass and kicks hit. Emily drops her knees to every bar while she folds her elbows forming ¡®v¡¯ with her arms, snapping her fingers. She giggles then get on top of her living room table and starts shuffling her feet to the beat. She laughs and I watch in awe. Emily jumps down and turns her body and places her ass right on my dick. It¡¯s an instant turn on and I can¡¯t help but grab her ass while I move to the music with her. The song ends and she turns. She¡¯s wild tonight. Fuck everything, this is now mine. Emily pulls back but it doesn¡¯t matter. We¡¯re both drunk so she goes for it. It¡¯s everything that I ever imagined. When I open my eyes I see that Alyssa¡¯s been staring. I grin at her the second Emily passes out on the couch. It¡¯s just the two of us standing now. Alyssa isn¡¯t known for being a party girl so I¡¯m surprised she held out for this long. I wonder what changed because right now she¡¯s giving me the ¡®fuck me¡¯ eyes. ¡°You ¡®ight?¡± ¡°Just fine, haven¡¯t drunk much really.¡± Alyssa is leagues above her friends. I know her type. She¡¯s far too mature and composed to engage in the games we play. I¡¯ve always wondered why she picked her friends when she could¡¯ve been a loner and done well. She¡¯s pretty enough to do that. ¡°You¡¯re a bore.¡± She chuckles. ¡°You caused a lot of problems for me, y¡¯know. Now I have to pick up the pieces.¡± ¡°What do you care, you don¡¯t even like them.¡± ¡°I liked Elizabeth and Jana. Now I¡¯m playing a charade, just like you are.¡± ¡°I ain¡¯t playing shit.¡± Alyssa smirks and leans in to kiss me. Fuck. ¡°Keep telling yourself that,¡± she pulls back. ¡°I never thought you cared about her, but you did, didn¡¯t you?¡± ¡°The fuck are you talking about.¡± Alyssa takes my hand walks me upstairs. ¡°Don¡¯t play stupid. I would be valedictorian next year if it wasn¡¯t for you. You cared. It¡¯s why you did what you did. Elizabeth wanted to break the hierarchy and social standing.¡± ¡°Right? So I fucked with her friends a little, who cares?¡± ¡°They¡¯re so egotistical and delusional. They think high school is all that matters. You showed them how fast their little worlds can crash,¡± She says. I push her down onto Emily¡¯s dad¡¯s bed. ¡°It¡¯ll go back to normal in a few months.¡± ¡°You still did what she wanted.¡± I didn¡¯t do it for Ellie. I just did it because it was funny. Especially towards Megan. With this scandal and the one over the summer, it¡¯ll be really hard for her to recover. I still can¡¯t get a read on Alyssa. Why this? Why now? Shit, I¡¯m not gonna complain. Her lips are soft, they don¡¯t even feel like ¡®em. ¡°Don¡¯t think you know me,¡± I take her shirt off. She takes her pants off. ¡°But I do.¡± ¡°Shut the fuck up and let me fuck you good.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± I take her bra off and just notice just how big her titties are. Shit how the fuck did I never notice before. I suck on them for a bit while I play with her pussy and she rubs my dick a bit. I can manist destiny any time I want, can¡¯t I? Alyssa backs off. ¡°Wait no. I don¡¯t want to do this.¡± I get off her and flick her forehead. ¡°Wait that¡¯s it?¡± I shrug, putting my pants back on. ¡°Yeah.¡± Alyssa gets up, confused. ¡°You¡¯re not mad? You¡¯re not even going to try and convince me? I pout and chuckle. ¡°A no¡¯s a no. All good.¡± ¡°Shit, I really don¡¯t know you,¡± She laughs. ¡°Who would¡¯ve thought Andrew Mera would be a gentleman?¡± ¡°Nah don¡¯t get it twisted,¡± I toss her shirt to her. ¡°You clearly want me. But if you don¡¯t want it, you don¡¯t want it, doesn¡¯t matter the reason. Even if that reason being is not being added to my body count.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t see me as a whore, do you?¡± I shake my head, ¡°Nah, you¡¯re clever. You and I are the same. We¡¯re both too clever for our own good. Thing is, you¡¯re right,¡± I pause. ¡°In a way. Whatever you think I am, you¡¯re probably right. You just won¡¯t ever know the why.¡± ¡°Care to share?¡± I shake my head and laugh, ¡°You¡¯re not that girl.¡± I let Alyssa leave first and I follow behind her. I¡¯m sure I shut the door when we first came in but it was slightly opened when Alyssa opened it. As she heads downstairs I notice the bathroom door is creaked open as well. ¡°You were watching.¡± The little girl Grace is on her ass on the bathroom floor reeking from embarrassment. ¡°Please don¡¯t tell anyone.¡± I smirk, ¡°Did you like what you saw?¡± She nods. - I walk home. Sara doesn¡¯t like to be home so it¡¯s better for her to stay over at Emily¡¯s tonight. Dad¡¯s home passed out on the couch again. There¡¯s an empty bottle of Maker¡¯s Mark under his hand, how typical. I keep replaying Alyssa¡¯s words from tonight. I look up to the ceiling before I head into my room. Mom¡¯s mural is slowly becoming unrecognizable from when she first painted it. It¡¯s just another ghost that haunts me. It¡¯s not real, so I don¡¯t know why I let it. Nah, fuck that. I¡¯m too strong to let some bitch¡¯s death influence me. Alyssa¡¯s wrong. Wait hold the fuck on. I really kissed Emily, didn¡¯t I? ¡°Shit,¡± I laugh. Cody forgave me for Elizabeth, but I wonder what would happen if I really took his girl? My father wakes up. ¡°Andrew is that you?¡± I don¡¯t answer. Fuck him. Fuck him for leaving Mom alone with us that night. 4. Sara I: not ok but its ok Sara I My first conscious thoughts are these: Sometimes we know someone who¡¯s so inexplicably perfect. She¡¯s someone who can give and give and give until there is nothing left. But no matter what, for no reason, she¡¯s ripped from our lives; and there isn¡¯t a thing we can do about it. My brother calls it a ghost. That it always comes back as a ghost and the only thing we can do is run. The only other option is to fall. Our mother always wanted the best of us. Now that she¡¯s gone, we¡¯ve only been adrift since. And it¡¯s more than that. Andrew is this machine, this force that destroys everything around him. All I am is just a whore who is running away from who she really is. And I¡¯m scared. These thoughts disappear when a ringtone I don¡¯t recognize starts blasting through my head like if it¡¯s connected through a speaker, max volume. ¡°Hi mom,¡± is what I hear next. ¡°No. Sorry-yes I¡¯m fine.¡± There¡¯s a short pause between each response. ¡°I¡¯m at Emily¡¯s. We had a sleepover-no I know. I¡¯m sorry. Right. I¡¯m fine, yeah. I¡¯m sorry for making you worry.¡± Grace¡¯s butt is in front of my eyes when I open them. She struggles to put her jeans on while I stare at her underwear that only kids would wear. It only smells like spilled vodka, weed, and straight musk here. I sit upright before rubbing my eyes open. Emily¡¯s still asleep next to me, her hair seemingly touching every corner of the bed. Grace looks at me and greets me. I just grin. ¡°Good party.¡± The party still continued after everyone went home and it was just us three left. We ended up in Emily¡¯s room drinking a bit more. Her room is the only place where she allows us to smoke in the house. By then, Gracie was drunk enough to not care about the smell. She didn¡¯t want to smoke, but then I recall that was the first time she has seen weed. Grace told us about her time in her hometown. She¡¯s a Cali girl so I always expected her to have some cool stories even she didn¡¯t have much experience. But man, she makes it seem like Redding is the same as Darkwood. It¡¯s just another boring town in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. It¡¯s not a wonder she got bullied as hard as she did there. It was all probably for entertainment. Emily drives us to the Diner right outside Darkwood where the only exit lies. It¡¯s been our hangover tradition since Emily got her license. It¡¯s not like we have many options either. Everyone comes here regardless so it¡¯s not uncommon to run into people you know all the time. Today it¡¯s Andrew who¡¯s just hanging right outside the side of the building. Emily and Grace greet him while heading inside. ¡°What are you doing here?¡± I say to him. He just ignores me as he moves me out of his way to greet Chris who somehow snuck behind me. The two do a handshake and I catch a glimpse of money, changing hands. Right. I forget that my brother is a drug dealer. Andrew never sells to us, instead, he always gives it to Chris, who in turn gives it to us for free most of that time. I don¡¯t even know what Chris buys much of the time. ¡°Go inside, Sara. Chris and I have business to attend to, yeah?¡± ¡°Just be careful, okay?¡± I don¡¯t know the details. Andrew never tells. I don¡¯t like to admit it but I do know he¡¯s involved with some bad people. People who Elizabeth somehow also got involved with and that¡¯s as far as I want to question it. I just worry about him. Andrew is the only one who I can count on to always be there for me. He¡¯s the only family I have left. I trust him and yet I¡¯m scared of him more the same. ¡°What was that about?¡± Emily asks as I take my seat next to her. ¡°Nothing,¡± I sigh. ¡°Just another stupid drug deal.¡± They could¡¯ve done it literally anywhere else but Andrew chose here, which only means he has something else to do here besides that. Chris comes in alone a few moments later. It gives me a chance to look around the diner and see who¡¯s all here. It¡¯s pretty empty and no one I recognize. The diner has been here all my life and I¡¯ve never set foot inside another one. I¡¯ve always imagined them to be all retro but this one is cozy. I like it here. The white walls are filled with newspapers and posters of notable events that occurred here through the years. The red seats are comfortable although a few need to be replaced. The wooden tables are always clean and all the condiments on the side are never empty. The owners truly care about this place. It¡¯s not a wonder why people like it here. On the corner of the Diner, there¡¯s a single person in hiding who I feel I know. Her brown hairs are a mess and it covers her eyes. Her t-shirt is dirty and before I can take more of a look, she notices and puts her head down. ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± Chris sits down next to Grace. He¡¯s surprisingly sober right now. That won¡¯t last long. ¡°Grace was just talking about how different Darkwood feels than her hometown.¡± If I recall, she was saying how similar it was last night. The waitress comes and asks for our orders. Everyone gets a light order except for me, who doesn¡¯t get anything at all. ¡°You should eat-¡± my best friend reminds me, ¡°-else your headache won¡¯t go away.¡± She¡¯s right. I get french toast and some hash browns on the side. ¡°You don¡¯t like the town?¡± Chris asks. Grace shakes her head, ¡°It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t. The atmosphere here, it¡¯s different. There isn¡¯t much to do, like where I grew up, but it feels more,¡± she pauses. ¡°Inclusive? No, welcoming. Everyone here knows each other. It¡¯s quiet too. Too quiet.¡± ¡°Right now everything is still quiet because of Ellie¡¯s suicide. Pretty soon that¡¯ll die down and you¡¯ll see people driving around having nothing better to do. I reckon the bonfires should start up soon.¡± The mention of Elizabeth get¡¯s me quiet. I still can¡¯t believe she¡¯s gone. Part of me still feels sick because I could¡¯ve stopped it. She talked to me about it, how could I have not seen it? We understood each other because of this. We became friends because of it. She didn¡¯t want to die because she wanted to. She wondered how it would be. Just like I do Sometimes I felt like I was the only one who understood Elizabeth. Just like how I can understand what Grace is going through right now. As I think that, the speak of the devil walks in. It¡¯s Lucas and his friends although notably Megan, Carlos, Amanda, and Alyssa aren¡¯t with them. Rumor has it that my brother caused some fights between all of them. Amanda always hated my guts but the revelation that my brother fucked her really put her in her place. Especially so since I was fucking her brother. Lucas stares me down as he walks over to his booth. We¡¯re not on good terms. He wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend but I can¡¯t stand the idea. This who thing has been a farce, just to get them off my back. To get my brother off my back. It¡¯s why I can understand Grace. Over the summer, in an attempt to ruin Elizabeth¡¯s credit a photo of her smoking weed with Cody was posted. That¡¯s when all the rumors about her drug use started. Then, critically, it was revealed that she kissed a girl two years ago. It¡¯s 2012, so nobody really gave a shit about all of this. Except this rumor came from Megan and the former Queen Bee before Elizabeth. And what made Elizabeth special as the current Queen was just how much she sparkled. Elizabeth never smoked, never did any drug. When she would drink, she would never get drunk. Elizabeth wasn¡¯t easy and only had one boyfriend right before that summer. She was uncurroptable. Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon. The shining beacon, the angel of Darkwood. So any blemish on her perfection was deemed unacceptable. Then the rumor that I was that girl who she kissed came out. I started getting teased and questioned about it. My brother even started to make fun of me. So I just denied it but it only made it worse. I never had a boyfriend, never have been seen kissing on or let alone talk to any straight one who wasn¡¯t Cody or Chris. The teasing never stopped until I started fucking Lucas. Now that everyone knows I¡¯m not gay, that¡¯s stopped, so I¡¯ve no use for him anymore. Still, I won¡¯t ever admit that Elizabeth kissed me because that never happened. ¡°Were you all good friends with her?¡± ¡°With who? Ellie? I guess,¡± Chris answers. I think this is the first conversation the two have had with each other. ¡°She was a cool girl. Went a little cuckoo at the end, but it¡¯s whatever,¡± Chris shrugs. ¡°You could be a little more respectful, Chris,¡± Emily scowls. ¡°Gracie, didn¡¯t Ems tell you to leave it alone?¡± ¡°But I want to know,¡± She says weakly. ¡°It¡¯s not fair, Sara.¡± ¡°I know, but it¡¯s still a fresh wound.¡± We all want to know what happened to her. You¡¯re not alone, Gracie. I want to know why she did it too¡­ ¡°Sometimes I wonder how it feels to die. I don¡¯t ever want the bliss to end,¡± she said. ¡°Don¡¯t be so dramatic. What do you mean?¡± ¡°I mean this. Like nothing else exists and it¡¯s just me left to my own comfort, that won¡¯t ever last. That bliss will soon be ripped apart from me.¡± She said. ¡°That¡¯s not a reason to want to die.¡± ¡°Not want, wonder.¡± I still remember those words. I still remember how angry it made me feel. I remember the words I said to her next, to validate that my pain was greater than hers. I take Grace to my favorite spot in the city. Towards the northwest corner of town is the park that has a giant hill towards the middle that feels like it is its own mountain. On top is a flat area with a bench that overlooks the entire city. From here one can see how small it actually is and just how massive the forest in the middle is. ¡°It¡¯s beautiful,¡± Gracie comments. ¡°Yeah, I love it here.¡± It¡¯s here where I start teaching Gracie how to put makeup on and everything she needs to know to be a proper girl. It¡¯s the only way she will survive once Emily graduates. Then a year later, I¡¯ll graduate and she¡¯ll have to fend for herself. ¡°Do you think I should get contacts?¡± She says in the middle of me contouring her face. ¡°I¡¯m surprised you haven¡¯t.¡± ¡°It¡¯s scary.¡± I chuckle, ¡°Better than looking like a nerd all the time. What about your braces? When are those coming off?¡± ¡°Next year, luckily.¡± ¡°Why hasn¡¯t your mom taught you any of this?¡± I ask as I finish and try to decide if the shade I used matches her or not. ¡°She works all the time so she doesn¡¯t ever have the time.¡± Her mom loves her, I don¡¯t doubt that but it irks me to think that¡¯s she¡¯s neglectful. Emily told me her dad isn¡¯t around so it must be difficult for the both of them. Gracie has been growing up all alone this entire time. There hasn¡¯t been a person in her life to show her how to fit in. ¡°You¡¯d think Elizabeth was like me growing up? I bet not. She was probably always so pretty.¡± She¡¯s so fixated on Ellie. I give her a soft frown. ¡°Do you want to know?¡± Grace nods. ¡°She actually wasn¡¯t very cool. In middle school, she was always just bland. It wasn¡¯t until she started to date Cody all the way back then until she tried. Originally Emily was the girl with who everyone wanted to be friends with. I think Elizabeth was always jealous of her for always having Cody¡¯s attention so she tried really hard to change.¡± It was the same over the summer when they started to date again. Elizabeth never admitted but she was so jealous of Emily for being the one who had Cody¡¯s heart. ¡°By the time I entered high school, Elizabeth was already friends with the popular kids while Emily stopped hanging out with them.¡± ¡°You think I can become cool too?¡± ¡°You¡¯re already cool.¡± ¡°No, I¡¯m not,¡± Grace backs away. ¡°I¡¯m ugly.¡± I don¡¯t say anything otherwise I would lie. Grace is pretty cool but she¡¯s right about being ugly. I feel so bad for her. Maybe Andrew is right about it. We should just admit that the only reason why we hang out with her is out of pity and guilt. ¡°How did you meet her? You all started to hang out with her over the summer but you knew her before then, didn¡¯t you?¡± ¡°I always knew who she was, but I guess we didn¡¯t really meet until I was a freshman.¡± I tell Grace this: We shared a P.E. class. She was a sophomore by that time and impossibly, she didn¡¯t have any friends in that class. I shared the class with my brother but he always stayed away from me, not wanting to be shackled to me. Elizabeth was on the cusp of becoming truly popular so she was a bit intimidating. By then she was truly beautiful so nobody approach her, but I did. I always thought we could be friends. We eventually did. We were partners in everything. Her friends were always so intimidating so I didn¡¯t bother her outside of class. But during, it felt like we were best friends. All of that ended when¡­ ¡°When what?¡± ¡°We couldn¡¯t be friends anymore.¡± ¡°Why?¡± I give her a soft smile as I take Grace¡¯s glasses off to see the art I just created. Grace isn¡¯t ugly. She¡¯s wrong about that too. All it takes is a little effort and confidence and she could be the person she wishes to be. ¡°She never talked to me after that.¡± ¡°After what?¡± I put her thick-rim glasses back on. ¡°Nothing.¡± Emily convinces Grace to come to the house party going on tonight. I walk her to her house so she can change and I walk back to mine, on the other side of town. It¡¯s a long walk but I don¡¯t mind. The longer it takes, the better. It¡¯s a small house, rundown just like every single one on the south side. Inside it¡¯s even worse. It¡¯s so dirty because nobody ever cleans. It smells like a dirty carpet and cigarettes. The only thing pretty is the panting on the ceiling Mom made when we were little. A mural of a woman laying outside on a bed, surrounded by birds as she stares at the cloudless sky. It¡¯s starting to get dirty so the color is fading away. Mom never did say what it meant. While I take a shower and change, I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. I begin to examine every bruise, cut, and scar. It¡¯s the only time where I remember the scars on my wrists, the marks on my thighs, and the little knife tattoo I have on my waist. I¡¯m far too skinny, borderline anorexic. I would be if Emily didn¡¯t remind me to eat so much. My breasts aren¡¯t big, but they aren¡¯t small. I don¡¯t like them. I have to dye my roots again and maybe cut my hair. It¡¯s getting a bit too long. I have to redo my nail polish and replace the broken ones. I hear someone come home, either Andrew or our dad. God, I hope it¡¯s not him. I hold my breath. The door opens and a baggie is thrown at the countertop. ¡°For tonight,¡± Andrew says. This isn¡¯t the first time he¡¯s caught me. He doesn¡¯t care. I look down at the white powder in front of me. My favorite. ¡°When did you start doing coke?¡± She asked. ¡°I don¡¯t know. I think it¡¯s been two years. Whenever my brother started dealing it.¡± ¡°Why did you start?¡± ¡°Why does anyone do anything in this town?¡± ¡°Do you like it?¡± ¡°It¡¯s good. It¡¯s good. It helps me get my mind off things.¡± ¡°What things?¡± ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter. You want to try some?¡± We all played a role. That was mine. My sin. ¡°Life¡¯s is too short, Ellie. If you really want to make it up to me for ditching me as a friend, then do a line with me.¡± ¡°Fine.¡± My brother rummages around his room then I hear him leave the house. I don¡¯t know how much time passes afterward. I¡¯m afraid of losing him if he ever found out. He looked at me with so much disgust when the rumors were floating around. I don¡¯t ever want to see it ever again. Disgust. ¡°Ay slim, better not be fucking gay. Don¡¯t need another Isaac in this bitch,¡± he said. Elizabeth and I were just talking that day, two years ago. She was having trouble with her boyfriend and needed to vent so I stayed to listen to her. Eventually, we just started talking about nothing all while forgetting we were still in the girl¡¯s locker room and everyone had already left. I didn¡¯t know why I did it back then. It was just on an impulse of desire. Now I just hide. I run and avoid that day because that¡¯s not the person I¡¯m supposed to be. I don¡¯t want to be. But she was so pretty that day. I trusted her. She was my friend. She was being friendly, even flirty. The rumors aren¡¯t true. Elizabeth never kissed me. I close my eyes. It doesn¡¯t matter how much support I get from Emily. She could never understand what it¡¯s like to be me. The rumors aren¡¯t true because I was the one who kissed Elizabeth. And I liked it. At that moment, the bathroom door swings open and I¡¯m hit, forced back to fall on top of the toilet. It''s my father this time. ¡°Sara, you fucking bitch!¡± He¡¯s drunk again. When is he not? ¡°Why don¡¯t you ever fucking clean you useless fucking whore?!¡± I close my eyes and reject the vision of the kiss Elizabeth and I shared. That¡¯s not who I am. I can¡¯t be. I¡¯m not gay. 5. Cody I: Astigmatism Cody I It¡¯s that rain. Its innocence is what corrupts you. There are years here where it doesn¡¯t rain for months. There are years when it rains for days on end. The dry months are the worst. They bring out the forest fires and they all have a smell to them. They have a certain sweetness to them that lies to us. It makes us believe everything will be okay again. Watching it all burn down is a beauty unmatched by none. Then the rain comes in. It silences the world and nobody ever comes outside. The heavy rain stops the world. But just like forest fires, the rain also has a smell to it. It¡¯s the sweetness that comes from the ground starched for its innocence. We call it Petrichor; the beauty that fades. And I am that Forest Fire that burns everything around me. Andrew Mera waits for me outside the diner just outside of Darkwood. There¡¯s was a time when I was good friends with him. I¡¯m not sure if that¡¯s true anymore. He¡¯s proven time and time again that he doesn¡¯t give a shit about anyone but himself. Even now, I start to wonder if that¡¯s true too. Despite all that, he somehow has been becoming more reckless. It¡¯s as if he has a death wish. What started as a hobby has transformed into his actual job. He¡¯s this town¡¯s drug dealer and it¡¯s going to get him killed. The people he works for are dangerous. ¡°Took you long enough, slim.¡± Slim is the word we use whenever Andrew uses the politically incorrect racial epitaph. He uses it often, nobody really likes when he does but he never cares. ¡°Here¡¯s your shitty ass weed. You sure you don¡¯t want anything more. Molly, Whitney?¡± ¡°I¡¯m good.¡± ¡°Fuck Codes, keep giving me those eyes and I might just fuck you,¡± he laughs. It¡¯s this obnoxious laugh that always makes him tilt his head to the sky. I hate it. ¡°Shut up.¡± I look over to the windows of the diner. Emily is sitting by the window, laughing with her friends. I expected her to be here, but not this early. And here I wanted to grab a cup of coffee. I know I shouldn¡¯t ignore her. There isn¡¯t a day where I don¡¯t want to talk to her, be with her, make her laugh, and make her smile. I¡¯ve been in love with her since we were kids. I¡¯m sure she feels the same way. We¡¯ve been destined, but fate is hazy. It¡¯s been so hazy that I¡¯m losing the sense of who I am. She always keeps asking me, texting me, calling me, ¡°Why am I being so distant?¡± And I never tell her anything. We both know why. She says it doesn¡¯t matter, that it was a lapse of judgment and that it¡¯s okay. She keeps telling me that she knows I will never hurt her. I¡¯m not sure if that¡¯s true. I love her, but I¡¯m the devil. Andrew starts looking around as if he¡¯s expecting someone else. There¡¯s always someone waiting for him. I can only assume he¡¯s waiting for his supplier. I¡¯ve only met him once. Never have a met someone whose presence overpowered everyone in the room. It was terrifying. ¡°The fuck you still doing here?¡± ¡°Are you meeting him?¡± ¡°Nah, he doesn¡¯t see people anymore. It¡¯s just Acid and Sessions.¡± I know of Acid, but I never met Sessions. It¡¯s a legendary name that¡¯s often thought of as a myth, especially after the Golden Heart Riots six years ago. Since then they¡¯ve been rumored to be all around the country. Lately, they¡¯ve been rumored to be in Seattle. ¡°Sessions?¡± ¡°Yeah, meeting him for the first time,¡± Andrew grins, giving me a pat on the back. ¡°Moving up in the world, Codykin.¡± ¡°Just be careful.¡± ¡°The school called again,¡± is the first thing my mother says when she comes home from work. ¡°I¡¯m more surprised you¡¯re home,¡± she sighs, dropping her purse on the kitchen table next to me. ¡°But I¡¯m still curious as to why you haven¡¯t been going to your classes.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t need ¡®em.¡± ¡°So instead you would rather eat a bowl of cereal? Code, I know the death of your friend is hard, but you can¡¯t let it affect your school.¡± Mom ruins my appetite. I place the spoon on the half-empty bowl and sit upright. ¡°I¡¯ll be fine. It¡¯s still early in the semester.¡± Mom sighs and crosses her arms. It¡¯s like this every day I see her. It never ends; my mom standing in the middle of the kitchen worrying too much about me. I suppose it is a mother¡¯s duty to worry about her youngest son, but where¡¯s Dad when she needs him? That¡¯s right. He¡¯s gone for weeks on end and I barely see him anymore. Whenever he is, Mom always starts a fight with him and all I can do is listen. At least I¡¯m not alone in having a shit home. Everyone has one, or at least close to one. ¡°Alright, just don¡¯t get yourself in trouble.¡± ¡°Thanks.¡± ¡°Your father is going to hear about this. He¡¯s not gonna like it. He still wants you to go to college. It¡¯s not something you can run from.¡± I scoff, ¡°Like he¡¯s around in the first place.¡± ¡°Cody,¡± Mom sighs. ¡°He¡¯s doing the best he can in the position he¡¯s in. You know how hard his job is. He just wants you to have a better life than him.¡± I stand up and dump the milk on the sink. ¡°You can tell him I have better dreams than doing what he wants. Look at where it took Travis.¡± ¡°Your brother is doing fine.¡± I laugh, ¡°Not from what he told me.¡± Mom walks past me and opens up the pantry. She usually doesn¡¯t cook. ¡°How about we have a nice dinner and we can talk about it. Why don¡¯t you invite Emily as well? I haven¡¯t seen her in a few weeks.¡± ¡°Yeah, maybe.¡± ¡°Maybe? That didn¡¯t sound so assuring. What¡¯s going on with you two.¡± I sit back down on the kitchen and table and pull out my writing notebook. Mom has started to get ingredients out of the fridge. ¡°Nothing.¡± Mom snorts, ¡°Please, Emily is like a daughter to me. I know when you two are fighting.¡± We aren¡¯t fighting. I¡¯m keeping my distance. I could sit here and talk about this with my mom to figure out why but that would require me telling her everything. Mom is in the dark about Elizabeth¡¯s death. I can¡¯t tell her about the party. I can¡¯t tell her anything about last summer. Only I know the truth, but even that gets me nowhere. ¡°Cody did you know I¡¯ve lived here my entire life? I¡¯ve seen everything this town can do to you.¡± ¡°Oh yeah?¡± ¡°Back then nobody ever dared to go inside the forest. There were no drugs, no parties in the middle of the weekdays. With each passing year, I have seen more and more people die here. It seems to get worse each year.¡± ¡°So why are we still here?¡± ¡°Change cannot happen if you run away from it,¡± Mom smirks at me. ¡°Go to your room and catch up on your schoolwork, I¡¯ll call you when dinner is ready.¡± Emily is sitting across from me at the dining table. She isn¡¯t hiding in sweaters or jackets; she¡¯s wearing a black tank top and gym shorts. I can see her frail little body and I start to wonder why I¡¯m hiding from her. She¡¯s my world. I can¡¯t have her here. She makes me uncomfortable but I can tell she¡¯s pleased to be here. Mom asks her a bunch of questions that don¡¯t really matter. The two talk like mother and daughter. Mom¡¯s right, Ems really is part of the family. Mom made sure of that during the divorce of her parents four years ago. She took care of her and assured her it wasn¡¯t Ems fault. There was a time when Emily would spend days at a time with us. I think those were the best days of my life. That was before we really knew what this town was about. We were just kids without a care in the world. ¡°Ems, you''re looking a lot healthier. I¡¯m really proud of your progress,¡± Mom says out of the blue. Emily doesn¡¯t like to talk about her weight, my mom knows this. You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version. Emily smiles. It brings warmth to me. ¡°Thank you. The doctors are telling me I have about 15 more pounds to be at a healthy weight. ¡°I¡¯ve been gaining about a pound every two months.¡± ¡°Is that healthy?¡± Emily finishes the food and nods. ¡°It¡¯s a lot better than not doing anything,¡± she laughs. Of course, what she doesn¡¯t tell my mom is that the progress would be faster if Emily wasn¡¯t doing coke every weekend. ¡°Cody makes sure I eat enough at school.¡± I don¡¯t know why she lies but she¡¯s looking at me like she¡¯s trying to provoke me. Mom blushes. She ships us more than anyone in both our families. ¡°You two are so cute together. I wish you would just admit that you¡¯re boyfriend and girlfriend already.¡± ¡°Mom!¡± I speak up for the first time during dinner. Emily just chuckles. ¡°Emily, have I told you how Cody would refuse to leave the hospital until you got better? Aldric got so mad at you for missing so much school,¡± She says to me. ¡°Like grades in elementary school matter,¡± I respond. ¡°That¡¯s what I tried to tell him,¡± Mom chuckles. ¡°Anyways, Ems, you should have seen him.¡± Emily has this big grin on her face because she knows I don¡¯t like the story. It¡¯s like she gets this big satisfaction knowing that I love her. ¡°Yeah, I heard the story a thousand times, Elana.¡± ¡°That¡¯s when I knew you two would spend your entire lives together.¡± Emily blushes. Dinner becomes stale with school talk. I¡¯m more at ease now. Maybe I¡¯ve been overreacting. Still, I haven¡¯t found my answer as to why I¡¯ve been avoiding her. Maybe I¡¯m scared that my mom¡¯s wishes won¡¯t come true. It¡¯s counterproductive. Emily sits at the edge of my bed and kicks her legs back and forth. ¡°It¡¯s been ages since we have been here together.¡± I¡¯m on my desking writing on the last page of my notebook. ¡°It¡¯s been about two months, I think.¡± ¡°Actually, two months and 13 days,¡± she chuckles. ¡°Does this mean you¡¯ll stop ignoring me?¡± I don¡¯t answer. ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re still writing. Have you been practicing on your voice?¡± ¡°Of course I have.¡± ¡°You make me sad y¡¯know. I¡¯m losing my best friend. Rather, you¡¯re losing me. Stop ignoring me, Code. Come sit with us during lunch, come to class. Stop hiding.¡± ¡°I told you, I need time.¡± ¡°How much do you need? Because I need time too. With you. Where¡¯s the Cody who literally skipped school for me when I was sick?¡± That was what Mom was talking about earlier. Back when we were ten, Emily got struck with this illness that left her bedridden for a few days. It got so bad that she eventually had to go to the hospital. Those days were blurry, I can¡¯t remember much. I think she had to go into surgery and didn¡¯t wake up from it. Everyone thought she was going to die. I thought she was going to die. Ever since then, Emily has been struggling with her weight. She¡¯s uncomfortable with her body so she hides it. She often clings to the people around her because she¡¯s scared they¡¯ll leave her like her mother and sister. She hates being disliked so she tries to be friends with everyone. Emily is lonely. ¡°Stop it.¡± ¡°Hmm?¡± ¡°Stop looking at me like that, analyzing me.¡± It¡¯s only then that I catch myself. Emily guards her body with her arms, uncomfortable with how I was looking at her. ¡°Sorry.¡± ¡°I know you¡¯re scared, Cody.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not.¡± ¡°But you are, so am I,¡± she says in a soft-spoken voice, almost a whisper but filled with her sadness. ¡°It wasn¡¯t your fault.¡± I get fed up with Emily being in my house. ¡°C¡¯mon, we¡¯re leaving,¡± I say, leaving the room. Emily follows closely behind. ¡°Where are we going?¡± ¡°To Carlos¡¯s party.¡± Emily grins. We arrive together but we slit up after people drag us to go drink with them. These sorts of things aren¡¯t enjoyable anymore. Sometimes they don¡¯t even feel real. Once I got invited to a house party in Seattle. Everyone there only smoked and drank. If they did anything else it wasn¡¯t out in the open. Things are different here in Darkwood. Nobody cares if you do coke or ecstasy in the open. It¡¯s wild out here. Mixing uppers and downers, popping pills, and passing out early: it¡¯s all too common here. I drink a little bit. I don¡¯t like to anymore. I¡¯ve never liked to do anything hard. Smoking weed is the most I do. Andrew calls me a pussy because of this. As the party goes on I¡¯m reminded just how quickly everyone seems to be moving on. These parties are just like the ones before her death. Nobody cares about her anymore but that¡¯s only because nobody really knew her as I did. I just don¡¯t understand¡­ Something happens in the living room and I watch the freshman girl Emily has been hanging out with, running out the door. Megan and Amanda are laughing their asses off. I¡¯d imagine Emily running after her but when I look over, she isn¡¯t paying attention. She¡¯s too busy laughing with Andrew. She wearing her sweater. They have been getting close lately. I don¡¯t trust him, but I trust her. Emily wouldn¡¯t do that to me, she isn¡¯t Elizabeth. No one has seen her as I¡¯ve seen her. That¡¯s how I know she¡¯ll always be mine. Still, it¡¯s enough to make me jealous. I go to the backyard where people are savoring the warm autumn air by playing around in the pool. This is where I find Chris staring up at the sky again. I leave him alone, I know better than to interrupt his thoughts. Then I get tapped in the shoulder by Lucas. ¡°Hey man, have you seen Sara? She isn¡¯t here and isn¡¯t answering my phone calls.¡± ¡°No, haven¡¯t seen her.¡± It is odd that I haven¡¯t run into her, she loves to get fucked up at these things. My attention is turned back to my surroundings. It¡¯s quite peaceful out here, not much noise compared to inside. Carlos¡¯s yard neighbors the woods. It¡¯s just like my house. Nothing but darkness awaits there. When I was younger I used to explore them all the time. Even now I¡¯m sure I can navigate through them blindly. The woods that surround the town are creepiest at night. Once someone goes in deep enough it¡¯s nearly impossible to find the way out. My entire childhood was spent here so it isn¡¯t a problem for me, so I head inside. It¡¯s all so silent. The only noise is the sound of my feet breaking the twigs on the ground and my thoughts. There isn¡¯t a particular destination I walk towards, but the treehouse is near so it¡¯s a good of a place of any. There are too many memories there, the last few not being good ones. Elizabeth spent a lot of time there and I often caught her staring at all the polaroid photographs hanging on the walls. Emily was the one who took those pictures and it was always of us two. Elizabeth never expressed her jealousy and I never did reassure her that there was nothing to worry about. It was that lack of communication that caused that rift between us. The silence is broken by a girl¡¯s scream. To get to the treehouse you have to jump over a small creek that would then lead to the open field that houses it. It¡¯s far away enough where even if you screamed, no one would hear you back in town. This is where I find the small, skinny girl screaming out curse words and smacking a branch against the tree it came from. I watch her until the tree branch breaks in half. She picks up another one and starts slamming on the tree, screaming, ¡°Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!¡± ¡°Is that how you take care of your problems?¡± I ask. The girl turns around completely startled, holding the tree branch that¡¯s her height towards me like a sword. ¡°W-who are you?!¡± Right, you can¡¯t see anything out here. I get close enough to where the end of her stick touches my neck. ¡°Is this how you have fun?¡± ¡°Y-You¡¯re-¡± ¡°Who are you?¡± ¡°G-grace.¡± There¡¯s a faint moonlight that breaches through the trees, just enough to cast light to her eyes. It doesn¡¯t take me long to connect the dots. Grace has been crying because of things beyond her control. She thought she could be alone here to vent out her frustrations. Grace Ciotta is her name. This is the girl who Emily and Sara decided to be friends with. This is the fish Chris told me about. This is the little girl Andrew was laughing about. She¡¯s the girl who wouldn¡¯t stop looking at me the first time I saw her. She looks so much like¡­ ¡°You shouldn¡¯t be out here. You¡¯ll get lost.¡± ¡°T-then what are you doing here?¡± ¡°Emily told me to come to look for you,¡± I lie. This gets her to lower her stick. Grace is trembling. ¡°Oh, so she does care,¡± she says weakly. ¡°Thank you.¡± ¡°Were you being bullied?¡± ¡°Yeah¡­¡± Grace drops the tree branch and wipes her tears. ¡°I-I just don¡¯t get-why did she kill herself in front of me?¡± ¡°Come with me.¡± I take her hand and start leading her to where I was going in the first place. Surprisingly, she doesn¡¯t complain. After a few minutes, we pass through the trees to find a tree surrounded by a small open plain and a small little cabin on top of this tree. This is where I¡¯ve been spending most of my time lately. It¡¯s not too big, it was built when we were just kids so it could only fit about four of us now. There¡¯s a little balcony on the other side where we would sit and let our feet hang off of. ¡°What are doing here?¡± Grace asks as we enter it. She ignores all the polaroids hanging on the wall, likely she¡¯s unable to see them. ¡°To calm you down.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± I sit on the balcony¡¯s edge only to be protected from the flimsy deck railing that¡¯s starting to fall apart. ¡°Why do you want to know so much? Does it still bother you?¡± Of course, it does. It bothers everyone. It bothers me. But Grace is different, she was right there. No answers, no explanation. It just happened. ¡°Yes. Everyone keeps telling me they don¡¯t know and that I should leave it alone because there isn¡¯t anything to find but I just know that¡¯s not true!¡± ¡°They¡¯re right. You were simply in the wrong place.¡± ¡°No,¡± she whispers. ¡°Megan kept saying it¡¯s all your guy¡¯s fault. That it was your fault. Yours, Andrew, Emily, Sara, and Chris. What happened?¡± Grace just wants answers. She wants closure. We all do, but out of everyone, I think I know the most. Maybe I¡¯m the only one who had enough information to piece it all together. No, I¡¯m sure Andrew and Chris have too. Andrew just doesn¡¯t care and Chris just knows that there isn¡¯t a thing we can do about it now. ¡°I happened.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± I think about it all over again. Elizabeth was always that girl who¡¯s been around my life. She was my first real girlfriend in middle school. We broke up and went on with our lives. She got popular and I stuck doing my thing. It wasn¡¯t until this kickback they threw at a camping site that we would start talking again. This was right before last summer started. I don¡¯t even remember why I got so fixated on her in the first place. ¡°Tell me.¡± Think about it now, I think¡­ Emily thinks Ellie died because she was jealous. We started to date but it didn¡¯t matter how much I liked Elizabeth, my heart always stayed with Ems. I knew this infuriated her, made her act out. I tried to stop her and in the end, I lost my temper. I scared Ellie, I hurt Emily. She was there that night too. I tell Grace all of this. ¡°Then what happened?¡± After that night, we didn¡¯t talk much. I was scared of myself. So I left her alone and Elizabeth just spiraled down. She couldn¡¯t handle it.¡± ¡°So she shot herself.¡± ¡°That¡¯s what we think.¡± ¡°But what really happened?¡± I don¡¯t say anything else. I kept it vague on purpose, I don¡¯t like to think about it too much. There¡¯s still so much I could tell her, stuff nobody else knows except for the people involved. Like Andrew and what he did. The thought of him hurting Emily comes back to me. If he did that to Elizabeth, he can do it to Ems¡­ No, Emily wouldn¡¯t do that to me. But she¡¯s wrong. Emily tells me not to blame myself but how can I when I know it¡¯s my fault. Why do I keep running away from it? Why do I keep running away from myself? Why do I keep lying to her that it''s to protect her? Why can''t admit what I''m doing? ¡°No, I want to know more!¡± Why can¡¯t I just be a good person?¡± 6. Chris I: Origin Chris I Hello. I know you¡¯re watching me. You¡¯ve been watching us. Judging us, maybe even laughing at us. But I know you''re there; laying on your bed and reading into my thoughts. Or perhaps on a chair staring at a computer screen. One must ask what you¡¯re doing in your life? Ask yourself, why are you subconsciously wasting it, letting it slip by? Have you ever had a thought that was your own and not one influenced by others? Why do you keep yourself in such a negative headspace? What is it that you seek distractions from the things you can not control? I see you, but I cannot read you, and that frustrates me. But don¡¯t let my questions get in your head. I don¡¯t mean any ill will by any means and exacerbate anything that might be going on in your life right now. I¡¯m just curious. See, I wasn¡¯t born right in the head. Ever since I can remember I¡¯ve had this itch to find out everything I could possibly know. This made me feel weird, isolated and detached. It¡¯s hard for me to make friends, let alone talk to people. They don¡¯t understand me. I don¡¯t understand me. Once when I was a child I let out a thought that put concern on my parents. I was taken to a psychiatrist where I was deemed a prodigal savant. Surely this was a blessing on any parent but they were also told I was on the spectrum. They were told I wouldn¡¯t be able to connect to other humans and could never understand them emotionally. The sadness my parents expressed that day was the first time I felt anything. My parents wanted me to be this prodigy who advanced through life at an early age. I just wanted to have a normal life, to be a normal boy. I would always see how much fun all the other kids were having at recess while I was stuck in the corner observing the patterns of all the clouds. That was envy. That¡¯s when I made my first friend, Cody. He didn¡¯t care that I hardly moved or talked, he just stuck to me, then eventually, Emily did too. Because of these two, I was able to convince my parents to let me live a normal life. So I hid. Now my mother is in the kitchen making a phone call to her business to get a logistical issue sorted out. My father is sitting on the reclining chair watching ¡®Altered States¡¯ with me. We live in a two-story house with a basement that my father uses as a home theatre. The two make good money although they¡¯re hardly ever home. It¡¯s not a loving family, but I¡¯m okay with that. Still, they¡¯re good people who tried their best. What about you? How is your relationship with your parents? I hope it¡¯s well but statistically speaking that isn¡¯t the case. We get so caught up in our own lives and we get used to them so much that we forget they¡¯re people too. They have thoughts and emotions and we often take them for granted. We like to blame them for messing us up but we don¡¯t stop and think about how it affects them as well. Sure you got your outliers who are just shitty parents for the sake of shitty parents but I¡¯m not talking about them. It¡¯s important to have a good relationship with the people that gave birth to you, it builds the foundation for all your future relationships. One of the common denominators of Darkwood is the lack of involved parents. Over half of them work in Seattle and usually spend some nights there. It makes Darkwood an exceptionally good place to get fucked up. Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road. See this is the downside of being on the inside while trying to look out. Think of it as living in a box with no windows, doors, and no exit. Not even an ounce of a hint that there is anything outside, yet I still try to look outside of it. I know there is something beyond this box and it lets me see inside similar to how you can. But you can see everything inside without limitations. You have the right models and tools to measure and understand this box. You¡¯re the observer. This is the universe. This is the easiest way I can explain it. Knowing this doesn¡¯t solve my issue of trying to understand what I am. A lot of the time I don¡¯t feel human. An unknown force often pulls me toward places, towards people that shouldn¡¯t exist. I meet certain people where I can see the road they walk. I can see what''s going to happen and what they''ll do. I can see my own. I just don''t know what that makes me. I don''t know if I have free will. Out of everything I have seen and observed, there was one thing that was never supposed to happen: Elizabeth wasn¡¯t supposed to die. And yet here you are, friend. You want to know about it too. You have been observing us all this time and want that closure, the same as we do. Emily blames the jealousy, Sara blames her peer pressure, Andrew tries his best to not care, and Cody blames himself for being such a headfuck. And I just watched it all happen, I didn¡¯t do a thing. I was there when she drunkenly pulled the gun out of her purse for just a single second to make sure it was still there. She saw that I was the only one that noticed. I could have stopped it. I didn''t. I knew where it was all heading and couldn''t see what would change if I tried to. I was trapped inside my own mind. Is the sin also mine to bear? A lack of empathy is what some people call it. Yet they¡¯re wrong because I can feel it. I too feel guilty that I didn''t do anything to help Elizabeth. I never grabbed hold of her hand that was reaching up from her spiral. If I told you that I can¡¯t sleep because of it, would you believe me? Tripping balls is what everyone is thinking that I do when I get trapped inside of this head of mine. It¡¯s an easier explanation than convincing them that I can see them as an observer, just like you see me. It¡¯s maddening. Most of the time I feel like I am insane, that I¡¯m just a fish trapped inside a bowl. Something that¡¯s trying to make sense of something I¡¯m unable to describe. It¡¯s not omnipotence, but rather an emotion of seeing things where they are heading. Like reading a book. Watching a movie. But not playing a video game. So let me tell you this. I¡¯m not actually on any drugs when they think I am. Although I have experimented with psychedelics to get a better understanding of what I am, and of what this is, it has only made me dive deeper. I''ve delved into chemistry and have made my own in the pursuit of that better understanding. I dove into physics, psychology, religion, east and western philosophy. When that wasn''t enough, I sought out a rumor from years ago. There was a drug that gave the user their own personal heaven. It was a rumor that it gave access to a connection that left them with a better understanding of themselves and the universe. Andrew had access to the very few left that existed. Until he''s able to get me one, I help him out on his little drug deals. I would like to know why I''m being pulled and getting closer to this woman who shouldn''t exist. I would like to know why it''s gotten stronger when I let Elizabeth die. I want to know what I''m supposed to do. I would like to ask why it¡¯s pulling us all towards this singularity. I want to know if I can even change it. - Father turns off the TV and it pulls me out of my head. Until next time. 7. Grace II: She passed away, alone at sea Grace II Cody told me a lot that night. I come to a deeper understanding of his relationship with Elizabeth. He told me a lot about his relationship with Emily too. They¡¯ve been in love with each other since they were kids yet never once dated. They haven''t so they wouldn''t be trapped from learning what they liked besides each other. I don¡¯t understand that at all, like, why just hurt each other like that? Was that his way of telling me he likes me? I mean, who just takes me to their favorite spot and says he''s technically single? And he kept looking at me with those eyes, gosh, those eyes. I do have a chance. I do. Even if I am ugly and flat, and boring. Cody also told me about Elizabeth. They dated in middle school but began talking again before the start of this past summer. Elizabeth until that point was the golden girl, the most popular girl, and the shining outlier from everyone else. She started to date Cody again. Then she began to smoke weed and did other drugs. The clique she hung out with before showed their true colors and that drama stressed her out. Her jealousy of Emily only added to that and the only thing that helped was a high. Cody tried to stop her, even help her but it wasn¡¯t enough. Something happened one night that got Emily hurt and made her hate Cody. He refused to tell me what. Anyway, after that night, I guess they broke up and didn''t speak to each other until the night she died. This is everything I gathered. This couldn''t be everything. I still wanted the finer details. There are still all those rumors I heard all the time in the hallways. They say Andrew was the one who gave her the drugs. But why would she start to begin with? They say she was pregnant and couldn''t handle the stress. They say she went psychotic. What was it that pushed her over the edge? There are rumors that she even started to deal drugs. There are rumors that she hated Megan so much that she was planning to kill her instead. I have to know more. Andrew would know. But he scares me. - I wake up on fire. When I get up, my body refuses to move and all the muscles on my leg and arms ache. It¡¯s no use, I feel so sick and flop back down into the bed. ¡°Why aren¡¯t you at school?¡± Mom wakes me up. She must have just come home. The clock on my wall is too blurry to tell what time it is but enough to know it''s before noon. ¡°I¡¯m sick.¡± My mom places her hand on my forehead. It¡¯s impossible to fake being sick with her. It''s a downside of having a mom who''s a nurse. ¡°Your head is warm. I¡¯ll bring some water and a thermo.¡± She really is the best despite not seeing her much. I wonder if she¡¯s disappointed that I started to go to parties. I know she wants me to have friends. The cold plastic enters my mouth and she says, ¡°Barely under 100. You¡¯ll be better in a day, so rest up, sweetie. I''m leaving a pill on the counter, take it in eight hours.¡± Groggily, I take a sip of water and wash down the pill my mom hands me. She¡¯s by my side but I¡¯m too blind to even recognize her. ¡°Where are my glasses?¡± ¡°Here,¡± Mom reaches for my glasses and puts them on me. ¡°I¡¯m going to bed, rest up and get better, okay?¡± she stands up, ¡°Love you, Grace.¡± ¡°Love you too, Mom.¡± I drink more water and flop my body back into my bed. An hour later my eyes open again and I feel much better. I¡¯m glad I¡¯m still young, I get to recover so quickly. I shut my eyes again so I can rest more. The memories of that party trickle in. Cody walked me back after our talk in his treehouse. I joined him in a few drinks with Emily. Megan tried to start something again, but this time, Cody intervened. It got heated when one of Megan¡¯s guy friends got upon his face. This time, Andrew joined and told them to back off before he started a fight. He told Megan and her friends to back off from bullying me ever again. All that just to protect me. That¡¯s all I can remember as the cheap and disgusting vodka started to blur my vision. And now I can¡¯t get Cody out of my head. I never liked a boy before. I never thought they would like me back. I¡¯m ugly and I¡¯m small with no boobs. I look like a kid and I''m insecure about it. But whenever Cody is around, it¡¯s like he sees me and pays attention to me. Even if he¡¯s in love with Emily, I still think he likes me. Am I crazy? I open my eyes again and part of me thinks that I¡¯m way over my head. All of these people that are becoming my friends, they¡¯re good people, are they? They have to be. After all, Emily sent Cody to find me when I thought she wasn¡¯t going to do anything about Megan. Then again, this is the group of people Elizabeth hung out with before¡­ The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there. I want to talk to her. Mom¡¯s a heavy sleeper so she won¡¯t notice I¡¯m gone. The cemetery is in the most southern part of the city so it takes me a whole hour to get there. I don¡¯t know where she''s buried so I just wander around. There¡¯s a long history here and so many tombstones. Most are old, and only a few are recent. The one that captivates my eyes is hers. It¡¯s the one with the most amount of flowers. Elizabeth Wilson Nov/8/1994-Aug/30/2012 The golden beacon that guided all to smile ¡°Why did you do it?¡± I ask her. I get no response. Strangely I feel that we would¡¯ve been good friends, the best of friends. We didn¡¯t meet on the best of terms, she seemed like such a b**** but that was only because she was going through so much, whatever that was. It would¡¯ve been nice to properly meet. ¡°Were you her friend?¡± A woman''s voice says from behind. She¡¯s in all black which contrasts majestically against her blonde hair. She has heavy black bags under her eyes. She hasn¡¯t slept. This woman looks identical to Elizabeth, this is her mother. ¡°No, not really.¡± ¡°She was really wonderful y¡¯know.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been told.¡± Elizabeth¡¯s mother stares at me for a bit then lifts up her eyes. ¡°Are you-¡± ¡°Um.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I just realized¡­¡± ¡°I-it¡¯s okay.¡± ¡°You¡¯re Grace, right?¡± I nod. ¡°How did you know?¡± ¡°Uh, the police report. I¡¯m sure it must have been traumatizing. I''m so sorry. My name is Cecilia, I was her mother.¡± ¡°It¡¯s uh, nice to meet you.¡± Could I ask her what she knows? No, that would be too insensitive. ¡°I still can¡¯t wrap my head around it. It¡¯s too hard. I come here every day.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry too.¡± She shakes her head. ¡°I was away in Spain when it happened. I left my baby girl alone for the summer and now she¡¯s gone. There¡¯s no one to blame but myself. No, if anything, this is the fault of her no-good drugged-out brother.¡± Elizabeth had a brother?¡± ¡°It¡¯s times like these that remind me that this city isn¡¯t good for anyone anymore.¡± ¡°Is it that bad?¡± ¡°It wasn¡¯t always this way. There wasn¡¯t nearly the amount of parties and drugs going around. It used to be so quiet, peaceful, and kind. ¡°What happened?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. It gets worse every year and the police aren''t doing anything about it." Cecilia sighs, ¡°Still, I can¡¯t imagine what you went through. You¡¯re strong for coming here, Grace. She must have hurt you so much. Do you hate her, for what she did?¡± Hate her? I used to, right at the beginning. I don¡¯t think so anymore. Now I just feel bad for her. I mean, what sort of pain must she have gone through? ¡°No,¡± I manage to say. It¡¯s hard to say no. I¡¯m holding back tears. ¡°Thank you.¡± We don¡¯t say anything else. Cecilia stands beside me as she looks down somberly at her daughter¡¯s grave. There isn¡¯t a person around, there are no clouds in the sky, and no birds are singing. It¡¯s all silent and so peaceful. Every there there''s this heaviness to the air. Right now, that¡¯s gone. Cecilia talks to her daughter a bit before she leaves and I¡¯m left alone at the grave. There were so many things I wanted to ask her but it felt inappropriate. Cecilia, she was so kind. I bet that was how Elizabeth was too. This world is filled with so much sadness. I just hope Cecilia can find peace. I hope I can too. It¡¯s been less than half of a year since I moved here and already my life is somewhat better than before. At least now I¡¯m not alone and managed to make some friends. I¡¯ve been outside more times now than I ever did before. Life is improving despite what happened. It¡¯s reason enough to smile. I lost track of time. I finally pull myself out of my thoughts and turn around to leave. A man approaches me and stands on my side in the three second that it takes him. ¡°Were you a friend?¡± he asks. Is this her dad? No, he doesn¡¯t look that old. I nod. ¡°Yeah, me too,¡± he sighs. My attention is drawn to his slicked-back silver hair with brown roots. ¡°I''m Felix. You?¡± ¡°Grace.¡± Felix wears a black motorcycle jacket and has ripped jeans. It compliments his blue eyes very well. He¡¯s handsome. ¡°Were you two close?¡± ¡°Not really, no. I ran into her a couple of times but I didn¡¯t know her well.¡± Felix nods, ¡°She was a friend of mine. I didn¡¯t know she died until a few days ago. Nobody even told me.¡± His voice hurts. How cruel. ¡°I would ask how you knew her but she was really popular.¡± Felix chuckles but chokes up. ¡°Yeah, yeah. I wish I knew sooner.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± He shakes his head. ¡°It¡¯s alright. People connect when they¡¯re in pain. Elizabeth didn¡¯t share her pain so she couldn¡¯t connect with anybody. Do you know how it happened?¡± ¡°She shot herself.¡± ¡°I see.¡± There¡¯s silence. It¡¯s long but warm as we both look down at the tombstone. Felix¡¯s words; I can connect to them. We¡¯re both in pain so we share this moment. Elizabeth. I don¡¯t know why she did it. Nobody does. There are so many opinions that no one knows what to believe. I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn¡¯t matter. It happened and it caused this ripple of pain in all of our lives, whether we acknowledge it or not. And nobody knows why she had a gun. Maybe I''ll never know the whole story. I guess I just have to live with that. ¡°It was nice meeting you Grace, I hope we run into each other again someday,¡± Felix says after taking his time to pay respects. I stare at his white hair disappearing in the vast brown and green mixed with gray as he leaves. I turn back around to the grave. The weight of the air came back but It isn''t heavy like it always is. It''s different. It''s sad. It''s ominous. I don¡¯t know how I¡¯m feeling this. Something''s changed. I¡¯m going crazy. It¡¯s as if Elizabeth is saying, ¡°No.¡± 8. Sara II: no one is ever going to want me Sara II Today¡¯s outfit is a black and gray flannel shirt tucked in my cut-up black jeans to be shorts. I find my black high boots and put on the darkest make-up I can do. It ends up blending nicely together, a perfect mixture of being pretty and a bad bitch. Lastly, I put on my bead bracelets to cover up the marks on my wrists. I take one more look in the mirror, bruised knees and a bloody nose, lovely. Yet it beats the disgusting naked body I just finished staring at thirty minutes ago. I¡¯m not even sure if I¡¯m even human anymore. I¡¯m just wasting time in a complex universe walking step by step aimlessly. I don¡¯t have dreams, I don¡¯t have something to look forward to. I don¡¯t even know why I¡¯m even here anymore. Any time I try to find myself all I find is dirt. I look at myself like I¡¯m art but really I¡¯m garbage. I laugh in my head and think of something Cody once said in a freestyle of his. I breathe in carcinogens because I¡¯m car-sick again looking at this course through my head. That¡¯s exactly how I feel. I¡¯m just a carcass playing the part of being alive. I drank too much and now my head¡¯s a pain. My hands are cold and I wonder why I even got out of bed at all. I don¡¯t want to be here at all. I want to run away. I want to say sorry. I want to disappear. I¡¯m trapped in my head and wrapped in thorns. I just want to be free. Here I am trapped in the past; wishing for something that¡¯s gone. Maybe one day I¡¯ll be able to fight this hell. Yet that¡¯s another lie to make myself feel better. I¡¯m not long for this world anymore. Elizabeth had the right idea. - The skies are awfully gray today. A storm waiting to drop at any second, ready to flood the streets. In Darkwood, nobody ever uses an umbrella to hide from the rain. I don¡¯t think I have ever seen anyone use them outside of Seattle. For some reason, Everyone walking to school has one today. There are three girls standing by the lockers on my way to class. I recognize two of them almost immediately. It¡¯s Megan and Amanda. They fucking hate our guts and especially hate me because I was fucking Amanda¡¯s brother. They¡¯re picking on some girl whose hair is covering her face. I recognize that it¡¯s Jana Kramer as I get closer. Jana Kramer was their friend as well right up until Ellie¡¯s death. She became a recluse and doesn¡¯t talk to anyone anymore. I don¡¯t see why they would pick on her. Out of all the things I don¡¯t want to do, this is one where I do. ¡°Don¡¯t you guys have something better to do?¡± It stops them right on their tracks. ¡°Yeah whatever, Sara. This doesn¡¯t concern you.¡± Megan says. ¡°Class is almost over, what are you doing here?¡± ¡°Fuck off.¡± ¡°Fine, but I¡¯m going to the office and telling them you¡¯re ditching again. Aren¡¯t you on probation, Amanda?¡± ¡°Bitch,¡± Amanda mutters under her breath and walks away. Megan lets go of Jana Kramer, ¡°You know if it wasn¡¯t for your stupid brother you would get your ass beat too.¡± ¡°Yeah, whatever.¡± Megan scoffs and walks away. Jana gets herself upright and looks at me for a second. She¡¯s a mess. She used to be so cute, I even had a crush on her. She isn¡¯t the same person anymore. I don¡¯t look away because I expect her to thank me or something but she just walks away. I can¡¯t even get that. School just isn¡¯t it for me. I¡¯ve been here for ten minutes and I¡¯m already over it. I text Emily that I¡¯m ditching and head out the same way I came in. ¡°Sara, wait!¡± I hear Lucas behind me. ¡°Dude, what¡¯s up? Why haven¡¯t you answered my texts? Why¡¯d you break up us?¡± I sigh. I don¡¯t have the time for this. ¡°Dude, you¡¯re just not it. It¡¯s lame. I¡¯m done. Leave me alone.¡± ¡°Lame, what did Andrew convince you?¡± The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡°No. I¡¯m just over it.¡± And I leave it at that. I never felt anything with him anyway. It was disgusting. I don¡¯t know what I expect to find on the top of the hill in Darkwood. It¡¯s my favorite spot and not a lot of people come here, so it¡¯s nice. It gives me space to breathe and time to think. I¡¯m not sure why I did end things with Lucas. It was the perfect cover. But at least I have an excuse that I¡¯m not gay and that I didn¡¯t kiss Elizabeth. Now Andrew won¡¯t disown me if he suspects anything. I have seen the way he treats Isaac and all the other gay kids. I don¡¯t want to be that. But I¡¯m not gay. I¡¯m not. I¡¯m not. I think about Mom. If she were still alive, I wonder if my life would be like this? Dad wouldn¡¯t be a drunk piece of shit. Andrew would have turned up normal and not an asshole. I wouldn¡¯t be so depressed all the time and have these doubts in my mind. She¡¯s the ghost that haunts me. She was so kind. An artist who loved anything that had beauty. I can¡¯t remember much of her anymore, but from what I do, it warms me. I miss her so much. There isn¡¯t a day where I wish Dad didn¡¯t leave her alone the night she died. I can¡¯t even remember if I cried but I do remember that was the last time Andrew cried. I catch myself taking a drag of an unlit cigarette. Down the hill I see Jana Kramer walking up. She doesn¡¯t spot me. I didn¡¯t talk to her much but over the summer she would often spend time with us along with Elizabeth. It felt like she was going to be part of the group before the suicide. Now Jana Kramer spends all her time avoiding people. Her name isn¡¯t actually Jana Kramer, it¡¯s just what everyone calls her. Nobody knows her actual name, or at least, we all forgot. Elizabeth was the one who gave her the name as a joke and everyone¡¯s been using it for years now. Jana Kramer looks up and once she sees that I¡¯m on the top of the hill, turns around and walks away. In the pit of my misery, I want to feel like I feel when I¡¯m asleep. ¡°Are you okay?¡± A voice wakes me. I¡¯m laying on the grass looking up at the sky. There is nothing but nearly black skies and a woman¡¯s head looking down on me. ¡°Yeah, who are you?¡± ¡°I live down the street, I come here nearly every day. Today is the first day I¡¯ve seen someone on top of this hill while a storm will rain down any minute.¡± ¡°Oh, didn¡¯t realize.¡± She laughs as I sit up. ¡°I¡¯m Graceful, but everyone calls me Aylin.¡± ¡°Sara.¡± ¡°So what are you doing up here?¡± ¡°Thinking.¡± ¡°About?¡± This woman, Aylin, or whatever she looks like a mom. She carries bags under her eyes just like me. Her hair is a light brown, down to her shoulders. Beautiful blue eyes. In her thirties maybe? ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± I shrug. ¡°Not sure what to think about anymore. What do you care anyway? We just met.¡± Aylin shrugs. ¡°Thought I offer.¡± You know what? Fuck it. What do I have to lose? I don¡¯t know her, she doesn''t know me. What¡¯s the worse that could happen. I tell her everything that¡¯s going on. I talk about Elizabeth and this guilt I have. I tell her everything about my sadness and she just listened. Aylin doesn¡¯t speak and just lets me ramble. And know what? It¡¯s so relieving to finally say it all out loud. Elizabeth shared to me her darkness and I didn¡¯t do a damn thing about it. How am I supposed to move from that? But that doesn¡¯t bother me. What bothers me is what Elizabeth meant to me. She knew and she was okay with it. She was even curious too. Otherwise, we wouldn¡¯t have kissed when we first became friends. But she had an image to keep and she threw me aside and never let me explore that. It bothers me that Elizabeth never told me why she ignored me after that. And it bothers me that this kiss became a rumor and that my brother started to make fun of me because of it. It bothers me that I started to date this dude who I don¡¯t even like to make him stop. It bothers me that I never looked at a guy and found him attractive. It bothers me that I could see a girl and think she¡¯s hot, or pretty, and then I think about¡­ ¡°It bothers me that I think I¡¯m gay.¡± ¡°And what¡¯s so wrong with that?¡± Aylin finally speaks. ¡°I can¡¯t be, I just can¡¯t-¡± Aylin cuts me off, ¡°If you open up to your brother, what do you think will happen? So he made fun of you a little, so what? That¡¯s what brothers do. Mine always makes fun of me for being a single mom, but he sticks around because he couldn¡¯t bear not being in my daughter¡¯s life. You just have to have a little more faith in your brother.¡± ¡°But-¡± ¡°Let me ask you this? Are you really gay?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°How long have you known?¡± It takes me a while to answer. Maybe because I¡¯ve known for a long time now and I¡¯ve been running away from it all the same. Emily always tries to get me to admit it. ¡°My mom drew this painting a few weeks before she died. I knew then. It was of this naked woman desperately trying to reach the surface as she was being pulled down the ocean. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I knew then.¡± ¡°When did your mom pass?¡± ¡°I was eight.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that.¡± We spend more time talking about Mom. She then talks a bit about hers. Aylin¡¯s mom died when she was young too. Then her father died when she was seventeen so it was up to her to take care of her little brother. She packed up all her things and moved to Colorado. She moved back after the riots and hasn¡¯t left since. Her story is one filled with struggle, just how I¡¯m going through right now. It reminds me that I¡¯m not alone in this world. At some point in exchanging stories, Emily texts me. She¡¯s having a kickback at her place while her Dad is gone for work. Fuck it. Why not? When I take my leave, it starts to pour. 9. Andrew II: Waste Age/Teen Land Andrew II I wake up with my hand on warm, soft tissue; Emily¡¯s tit. She groans and pushes my hand away while turning over. The world is still spinning as distant dogs barking keep me from falling back asleep. *thunk* ¡°Fuck,¡± My sister whispers. I get up and see she¡¯s fallen out of the bed. I guess three of us made it to cramp. I would¡¯ve sealed the deal if Sara didn¡¯t cockblock me. It¡¯s whatever, it¡¯s going to happen eventually and I¡¯m ecstatic for it. These past couple of days have been stellar. Nothing can fucking stop Andrew Mera. I¡¯m fucking great. Not even these ghosts that haunt me can slow me down. ¡°Where are you going?¡± Sara asks me right before I leave Em¡¯s house. ¡°Out.¡± ¡°I need to talk to you,¡± She follows me out. I sigh, ¡°Can it wait, I have business,¡± and leave right after that. I hear her shout my name but I can¡¯t be late. Acid doesn¡¯t like to wait. Besides, she¡¯s a big girl whatever it is Sara can figure it out. Acid is in his black Honda smoking a cigarette. He¡¯s already been waiting for two minutes which is far too long. Our first stop in Seattle, Capitol Hill to be correct. As much as it praises to be this progressive and inclusive area, it¡¯s filled with nothing but hypocrites and addicts. Acid rambles how the bill to make Weed legal is going pass without question. I tell him how the city¡¯s been growing lately but with its passing, the taxes from it is only going to help it. The city is already expensive to live in but all the tech companies moving in and the potheads thinking it¡¯ll be a good idea to migrate, well it¡¯s not going to be pretty. Acid chuckle¡¯s as he stops by Dick¡¯s and grabs himself a burger. I¡¯ve done these sorts of things before, today¡¯s not any different. Acid asks if I have my gun on me but I don¡¯t need one. There¡¯s no need for metal to intimate some entitled gay bitch enslaved to their addictions. I walk up to the house and ring the doorbell. A dog inside does into a frenzy and it¡¯s promptly told to shut up. Some young guy opens the door, too young to own or rent this place. ¡°What do you want?¡± he says. ¡°It¡¯s time, mate.¡± ¡°You¡¯re new,¡± he scoffs. ¡°Where¡¯s the girl?¡± ¡°Not here to answer questions. ¡°Sure, sure,¡± the guy complies and pulls out the money he owes Lyle and gives it to me. ¡°Be nicer when you¡¯re back in two weeks.¡± I love doing pick-ups, they¡¯re nice and easy; clean. It¡¯s the dealings where things sometimes get tense. There¡¯s always a chance of someone trying something. Luckily no one ever has as all of they should know I work for Lyle. See, this whole thing is a business. You buy drugs, pay then and there, or you can have them delivered and you pay later. Think of it as a subscription where failed payment costs an arm and a leg. Not sure why Lyle does it this way for the richer folk, but it¡¯s funny. I¡¯m not the one who usually picks up the money but I heard the last few runners couldn¡¯t handle it. Whether it''s delivering or picking up, it¡¯s a two-man job. To my understanding, it¡¯s usually Lyle and Acid tag along. Not sure why Lyle would do something not worth his time but I¡¯m sure it¡¯s an ego thing. I haven''t seen him in a few weeks. What bothers me is that he asked about Elizabeth a couple of days ago. He didn¡¯t know she was dead and besides and more importantly, they only met once. There''s no reason why Lyle would ever ask about someone he met once. Shit, the rabbit hole only goes deeper. That girl kept more secrets than she let on. ¡°What did Lyle want with Elizabeth?¡± I ask Acid at the next stop. ¡°Hmm?¡± he turns down the music. I repeat myself. ¡°Oh, don¡¯t worry about it,¡± he quickly brushes it off. Something¡¯s up. I know I don¡¯t have to guilt myself over her. Bitch was crazy, that wasn¡¯t my fault. If Lyle was involved that just leaves more questions for our gaps of knowledge. She asked to meet Lyle so she could convince him to let me sell her the limited shit. Shit, maybe she sold it to her directly. She could¡¯ve owed him money and didn''t pay it off which explains why Lyle asked.. Nah, she was made from money. And it doesn¡¯t explain the gun. She started to work for him. So what the fuck happened then? It¡¯s no use thinking about it. I have a job to do. This one¡¯s on Queen Anne and on a fucking hill. It¡¯s some mom, her kids are playing video games in the living room. She doesn¡¯t hesitate to give me the money so I thank her. Shit, I don¡¯t know why people have to make it more complicated than this. A grand just for some coke and pills. People are just too broken. Fremont is up next. Before I even knock I can already guess how this will go down. Sure enough a crackhead answers. ¡°Time to pay up, yo.¡± ¡°Shit man, I don¡¯t have it all, just give me a day or two,¡± he says but I don¡¯t listen. I don¡¯t even wait for him to try and say anything else and instead, I just beat him to the ground. It doesn¡¯t take much. For a crackhead, he keeps his apartment clean. I find his bag of coke on the living room counter and take it. I don¡¯t need to do anything else. What these people don¡¯t understand is that it isn¡¯t the money Lyle wants. He gives no shit about that. Maybe this guy will learn next time I¡¯m here, but I doubt it. They usually don¡¯t. ¡°Not compliant?¡± Acid asks when he notices the blood on my fists. I toss him his bag and he put it inside his blazer. ¡°What¡¯s with the new guys? Never done this route before.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t matter. I¡¯ll let Sessions know, you won''t be back here.¡± ¡°Sessions? What are they going to do?¡± Acid chuckles, ¡° Lyle¡¯s out of town so Session¡¯s is running the show for now.¡± If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it. For the longest time, I thought Lyle and Sessions were one person. Lyle looked the part of the mythological ghost of Washington. But the name Sessions is only a title and Lyle didn''t use it anymore. I met the real Sessions a few days ago. The crystal white hair and eyes, the translucent white skin, pale like a vampire. The white ghost. These rumors were all true. What wasn''t was the terrifying presence and personality. Not much of a talker either. - I get home a little past three. Dad passed out again with an empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. All the messages I¡¯ve gotten don¡¯t matter except for one: Emily. Just seeing her name puts a smile on my face and my heart jumps a beat. It¡¯s a shitty ass new feeling but fuck it. Every other text is some asshole wanting a deal. ¡°You have a second?¡± Sara comes into my room. ¡°The fuck you want?¡± ¡°I want to go to Mom¡¯s grave.¡± Mom? ¡°Why?¡± ¡°I miss her.¡± I stare at her in disbelief. It¡¯s been years since we actually have been there. Mom, a ghost that haunts me. ¡°Okay.¡± I don¡¯t know why I agree. Our neighbor is this old fuck that is never home and keeps his old Toyota in his driveway. He keeps the keys under the car with a magnet. I¡¯ve been driving this car ever since I discovered this fact. This is how I get around. ¡°Thanks,¡± Sara says as I park. ¡°What are we doing here?¡± Of all days, I¡¯ve almost forgotten. Sara doesn¡¯t say anything and walks towards our mom¡¯s grace. It¡¯s been eight years now. None of us have been the same since. I stand about ten feet away from her as Sara stares at the grave. I haven¡¯t been here in five years. Never really felt like coming back. ¡°She was so kind, wasn¡¯t she, Andrew?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°Mom. She took care of us. She loved us and then one night, poof. Gone.¡± ¡°What are you talking about?¡± ¡°Do you have a cigarette?¡± My twin sister asks. I walk up to her and hand her one. Since I¡¯m here, I look at the grave. It¡¯s worn out by now. Angelica Mera ¡°Do you need a light?¡± Sara shakes her head. ¡°I miss her. I want to talk to her again. I want to know what to do, she always knew what to do.¡± Is she high? When did Sara start thinking that our Mom was a good person? She fucking killed herself in front of her for Christ¡¯s sake. Is Sara repressing all of that now? ¡°Sara, you know-¡± I stop myself. Nah, she needs this comfort right now. ¡°I miss her too.¡± ¡°Elizabeth¡¯s death. That was our fault too, wasn¡¯t it?¡± ¡°Of course not,¡± I scoff. I look to the right to where Ellie¡¯s grave should be. I see it faintly in the distance. Every gravestone is old and withered, except for hers. She was the most recent death and soon, hers will wither too. ¡°No one¡¯s at fault.¡± ¡°The rumors. Are they true? That you got her pregnant?¡± I laugh, ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± ¡°But you fucked her right?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°And Cody¡¯s not mad?¡± ¡°Yeah, we don¡¯t really hang out as much because of that,¡± I chuckle. ¡°But you can¡¯t really blame me, I fuck anything with a pair of tits and can move, ya? Where are you going with this? What makes you blame yourself?¡± ¡°I encouraged her to do Coke and E for the first time. She talked to me about dying and I ignored it.¡± Sara¡¯s talking through all this guilt like we haven¡¯t before. She¡¯s trying to say something else but can¡¯t figure out how. This isn¡¯t what she wants to talk about. Sara has a different motive. ¡°Let¡¯s go home,¡± she says. On the way home I stop by the only 7-Eleven in town. Sara pays for her drink while I just take some shit when the cashier isn¡¯t looking. He never looks, or at least doesn¡¯t get paid enough to give a shit, so why should I? ¡°I saw you getting chummy with Ems last night,¡± she tells me when she enters the car. ¡°She¡¯s my best friend, anyone but her.¡± ¡°No can do, love.¡± She sighs, ¡°Then do it properly, ask her out to homecoming. She¡¯s actually expecting you. Kind of wish you took me, but whatever.¡± Instead of our house, I take us to the town¡¯s park. This is where we spent most of our childhood. Thinking about it now, I guess we were always here to be away from home. I wonder how Sara feels. She sits on the grass at the top of the hill, her favorite spot. Sara holds the cigarette I gave her between her fingers and stares off into the distance. I¡¯m not an idiot. I took her here so she could finally tell me what is bothering her. I could ask, but that would be giving a shit. But I do give a shit. Fuck. I don¡¯t know. I don¡¯t want to. I stand just a few steps away smoking my cigarette while I wait for Emily to reply to my text. Maybe it¡¯s good for the soul to do this once in a while; to just sit somewhere and do nothing. Everything happens so fast in my life that I don¡¯t ever have time to just sit and think. But that would be giving a shit. It¡¯s those fucking ghosts, man. The past, the future, it¡¯s all a ghost here to haunt me. It¡¯s just like Chris says, we worry too much about everything that is going on that we don¡¯t realize that most of it actually doesn¡¯t matter. We convince ourselves otherwise. That fucker¡¯s mind is something else. I know I¡¯m clever and do good in school and all, but shit it¡¯s like he¡¯s in a different dimension half the time. Like how the fuck does he know about these ghosts; about my mom, my father, my demons, and this shitty fucking life I have. But fuck that shit bro. This is why I don¡¯t give a shit. These thoughts go away once Emily texts back. How long has it been since Sara and I have spent the day together? Not since Mom died I think. I do a bump, then another using my sister''s nail. She does the same. It¡¯s a fatty. We stare at this forest town together and say nothing. How long has it been since we actually enjoyed each other¡¯s company? How long has it been since I told Sara she¡¯s the only person I care about? ¡°Why do you do it?¡± She asks. ¡°Sell drugs.¡± I shrug. I thought about it before. I would like to say I came out with a noble and justifiable reason why, but I can¡¯t. The answer is simple when it all comes down to it. Misery loves company, and, ¡°It¡¯s something to do,¡± I tell Sara. ¡°Do you ever think about stopping?¡± After Elizabeth¡¯s suicide, I had trouble sleeping. I had nightmares and even felt hopeless. I even missed her. The world felt lonelier like it lost something it needed. That was the only time I ever considered stopping. But all those emotions I had, made me weak. I don¡¯t need to be weak. Weak people die just like Ellie and my mom. Sara puts the cigarette in her mouth but doesn¡¯t do anything with it. She does this a lot. ¡°You ever think that we do this to ourselves? Like we blame our problems on everything but ourselves?¡± ¡°Humans are too self-centered to ever admit their faults.¡± ¡°What about you? You¡¯re never scared of anything, Andrew. Do you admit your faults? Little old Andrew, does whatever he wants.¡± Any faults I have, I rise above them. ¡°There isn¡¯t anything to admit,¡± I laugh, ¡°I¡¯m a piece of shit, Sara.¡± ¡°You¡¯re lost like the rest of us,¡± she says under her breath. Maybe she meant for me to hear. ¡°You¡¯re being a pussy,¡± I tell her. ¡°Just because it¡¯s the anniversary of Mom''s death doesn¡¯t have to make you all sad. You¡¯re Sara fuckin¡¯ Mera, the fuck are you doing sad?¡± ¡°I¡¯m gay, Andrew.¡± Does she expect me to be mad? Is this what she¡¯s been scared of telling me all day? It¡¯s honestly a bit cute. ¡°Sara, what the fuck?¡± Her body immediately closes itself off as if she expects me to lash out. She expects me to call her a faggot and suddenly start hating on her. Sara has been hiding this from me for a long time because she thinks this. ¡°I knew you were gay since we were born,¡± I joke. ¡°Wha-¡± ¡°I kid,¡± I laugh. ¡°But I¡¯ve known for a while. I¡¯m just glad you finally have the balls to fucking admit it.¡± Sara smiles for the first time today. ¡°You¡¯re not mad?¡± I shrug, ¡°I¡¯m an asshole, not a homophobe. And you¡¯re Sara fuckin¡¯ Mera, you going to stop being a sad bitch now? So what you¡¯re gay? Just means we get to slay pussy together now.¡± ¡°Then,¡± She pauses. ¡°Everything is okay. Everything is going to be okay.¡± ¡°That¡¯s the spirit!¡± I laugh and stand up to raise my middle finger to this town. ¡°Nothing stops the Mera siblings from ruling this town! We ain¡¯t shit, we¡¯re champaign. Fuck this world!¡± Sara gets up and grins with me. Together we flip off this town and scream, ¡°Fuck this world!¡± 10. Cody II: Glimpse of us Cody II Emily asks if we¡¯re going to the school¡¯s dance together over text. I stare at it for far longer than I should. I¡¯ve been pushing her away and she hates it. She can force herself to be around me, but she¡¯ll never turn my back to face her. I¡¯m just too dangerous and I don¡¯t trust myself. She isn¡¯t a saint either. We share no secrets between us yet Emily still hasn¡¯t told me she kissed Andrew. The look on her face gave it away. She''s easy to read. Emily isn¡¯t being honest with me now but I guess a road goes both ways. I tried to give Emily the benefit of the doubt. After what Andrew pulled with Elizabeth, he stopped being my friend. I only play pretend because it''s less drama. It was fine because he couldn''t fuck me over like that again. I thought Emily would never let him. I guess I was wrong. There isn¡¯t a line he won''t cross and that¡¯s good to know. He¡¯s an unguided force of nature. He¡¯ll hurt and destroy everything just to get what he wants. But am I so different? I just- Shit. I¡¯m doing it again. If Emily ever wanted to find me, I¡¯m here just like I¡¯ve always been; inside our childhood treehouse that we built together. Every single day I hope she comes, but she never does. There isn¡¯t a thing I want more than for Emily to show up. I want her to try to get me back just so I can push her away again. It¡¯s like I¡¯m testing her love for me. I want to see how much she''s willing to put up with. It¡¯s disgusting. I¡¯m disgusting. When did the genuine reason I pushed Emily away become one for my ego. It¡¯s my fault Elizabeth died. I messed with her head and I had the audacity to get mad at her for it. Then I did the one thing I never thought I do and made her hate me. We only had one actual conversation after that. Nothing was right after that night. Even after everything, Emily forgave me. - I can still hear Elizabeth''s words: ¡°I''m not going to let you fuck with me anymore. You don''t control me.¡± I should have realized what I was doing. ¡°I hurt you and you didn¡¯t care. Then you hurt me and never apologized.¡± I should¡¯ve stopped her from hanging out with Andrew that day. ¡°I don¡¯t care. Everything that happens after is your fault. I hate you. I was wrong about you.¡± I called her a blue flower. I told her she was in the tall grass. ¡°Well, at least you were right about that.¡± And I never spoke with her again. - I like to pretend I¡¯m some deep mysterious character. Often people tell me that my eyes feel like I pierce into their souls. Oftentimes, it''s intentional to add to my character. I like to say meaningless, deep, and vague-sounding metaphors. I called her a blue flower, more like morning glory. Elizabeth latched on to that and became obsessed with it. Who knows what she thought it meant? It was just pure nonsense¡ªsomething I said just to add to the mystery and keep her interested. I told her she was in the tall grass. She was obsessed with that even more. She took it to mean that she was surrounded by snakes; all of her friends were snakes. It¡¯s the reason she hung out with us more and more throughout the summer. It didn¡¯t mean anything when I first said it, but I took it and used it to push her away from her friends even more. Just thinking about it makes me sick. All the manipulation. - ¡°You¡¯re thinking about her, aren''t you?¡± Emily says below me. ¡°Didn¡¯t think you actually spent the day here,¡± she pants as she struggles to climb the ladder. ¡°What are you doing here?¡± ¡°I thought you wanted me to come.¡± She sits next to me. ¡°I didn¡¯t ask you to.¡± If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. I¡¯m doing it again. ¡°You didn¡¯t have to,¡± she sighs. I don¡¯t actually look at her. Her knees are bumping into mine. They¡¯re bare, surrounded by ripped denim. They¡¯re bruised, just like the rest of her body she hides so much. I then look at the sky when she grabs hold of mine. ¡°Are you gonna keep giving me the silent treatment?¡± ¡°I told you-¡± ¡°No, you don¡¯t get to pull that bullshit on me, Cody. You don¡¯t need space. You don¡¯t need to keep your distance. You can¡¯t hurt me, so why can¡¯t you let it go?¡± ¡°Because I hit you! Emily!¡± The last thing I wanted to be was like my father. I promised I never would, but it happened. I hated myself for doing something my dad did. I didn''t want Emily to go through what my mom did so I closed myself off. But Emily has been persistent and it''s twisting me. I''m scared that I''ll lose control again one day but at the same time, I''m told it''ll be okay. And what do I do with that information? I distort it so I can relish with the attention, the desire. ¡°So?¡± There¡¯s silence. ¡°Look at me.¡± More silence. ¡°Cody, look at me,¡± Ems¡¯ hands grab my cheeks and force my head to turn. ¡°Jesus fucking Christ, let it go. She was doing meth! I would blow up like that too if I were you!¡± I break myself free, ¡°So why did you take the hit for her?¡± ¡°Dummy,¡± she lightly shoves me. ¡°How else was I going to calm you down?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want it to happen again.¡± ¡°Oh, so you¡¯re going to stop being friends with me?¡± She laughs. ¡°That¡¯s the stupidest plan you¡¯ve ever thought of. We can work on it together. Your faults are mine, and mine are yours, or do you want to break our promise and not get married when we turn 21?¡± What an idiotic promise in hindsight. It¡¯s just a childhood promise that doesn¡¯t work out in reality. Just two dumb little kids living in a world still painted in color. If we were actually serious why did we even date around? Why not just be exclusive from the get-go? To have different experiences before we settle down? It¡¯s just a lie we told ourselves to fuck around. ¡°Have you been eating lately?¡± I change the subject. ¡°Not really,¡± Emily says weakly. Her faults are my faults then too. ¡°I¡¯ve lost a few pounds. It¡¯s something we can work on together too.¡± ¡°Everything alright?¡± Emily snorts, ¡°No Cody. Everything¡¯s not alright. Elizabeth¡¯s dead. Everyone blames themselves. It¡¯s been a month and people aren¡¯t giving a shit anymore. The world is moving on like nothing happened while we all are trying to find a way to be okay with it.¡± ¡°How do you feel about it now?¡± ¡°Ellie?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°I miss her. Everyone does, I guess. Every day gets a bit better, but still. I wonder if we could¡¯ve done things differently.¡± ¡°Remember when she got really drunk one night at your place? She wouldn¡¯t shut up about how much she loves you,¡± I chuckle. Not even sure why the thought crossed my mind. ¡°Yeah,¡± Emily laughs. ¡°She wouldn¡¯t get off me! I never felt so violated.¡± I turn my head to look at her this time, truly look at her. She¡¯s as beautiful as ever. Her lips always match her fierce red hair. Her freckles scattered lightly across her cheekbones. Her blue eyes scowled, piercing through mine. It¡¯s a trick I taught her but never uses it unless it''s me. I watch her as her little laugh calms down back to a smile. ¡°She really was the life of the party each time,¡± Ems sighs. ¡°Even after doing Molly and Coke, she kept herself together so well.¡± ¡°Like it¡¯s special, you manage just fine.¡± ¡°It¡¯s because I am special, Cody-kin,¡± Emily playfully shoves me. ¡°Special needs, maybe,¡± I laugh.¡± ¡°Asshole!¡± Emily laughs, headbutting my shoulder. Her hair gets everyone on my face. ¡°You ever gonna cut your hair, I¡¯m tired of being suffocated by it.¡± ¡°The day I cut my hair is the day the world ends.¡± It¡¯s this. Shit like this makes my heart jump. It¡¯s proof enough that my feelings for my best friend are genuine. It¡¯s proof there¡¯s no persona, no mask when I¡¯m around her. I¡¯m. I don''t have anything to prove for myself. Maybe I don''t need anyone else. I''m safe here. But I only make it worse for myself. ¡°Cody, I um, can I tell you something?¡± ¡°Hmm?¡± ¡°I want to be together. Exclusive. I think it¡¯s time.¡± ¡°Is that why you kissed him?¡± I feel Emily jerk back. The mood instantly changes around us and I immediately regret saying that. ¡°Who told-,¡± she pauses. ¡°Is-is this what it¡¯s really about? What the fuck. At least he doesn¡¯t ignore me.¡± ¡°He doesn¡¯t give a shit about you. He doesn¡¯t give a shit about anyone.¡± ¡°Oh, and you have? Great way of showing it, Cody!¡± A part of me wants to see how far I can take this. What the fuck is wrong with me? ¡°He asked me out to the dance. Thought I gave you one more chance before I said yes or no. I guess I have my answer now,¡± she says so softly, so somber. ¡°You deserve better.¡± ¡°Become better,¡± she says. ¡°Become better, because I only want you,¡± Emily stands up. ¡°I¡¯ve only wanted you. I haven¡¯t dated anyone in two years because I¡¯ve been waiting for you. I love you, Cody. I¡¯m so madly in love with you but I can¡¯t keep waiting forever. So I¡¯m going to have a fling with Andrew now, and you aren¡¯t going to stop me. He¡¯s going to hurt me, make me cry, and ruin my life for a little while. And when that happens, I hope you truly get your shit together, stop being a little bitch. I¡¯m done waiting.¡± ¡°Ems, you¡¯re being-¡± Emily unwraps the bandana I gave her and tosses it on top of my lap. ¡°I¡¯m not going to be your little plaything like Elizabeth. I thought I was more important than that.¡± ¡°You¡¯re-!¡± ¡°Fuck you, Cody. Stop acting like you can treat me any way you want.¡± That¡¯s the last thing she says before leaves. I want to chase after her. I want to tell her that I want the same thing. I want her too but I¡¯m just too fucking stupid and stubborn. I even climb down the tree house but my legs are unable to move. I can only watch as everything crumbles around me. Reality starts to set in. Everything I did to Elizabeth, I just did to Emily. A smile creeps in as I realize no matter what I do, Emily will always love me. She¡¯ll always be there. It¡¯s that hold of the power that I¡¯m so disgusted by. Even if I didn¡¯t mean to, it all happens just the way I want. I¡¯m so fucking disgusting. All I do is manipulate. It¡¯s fun, it¡¯s power. It¡¯s all a game to me. It makes me feel important. And now a girl is dead because of it. Did I ever even care about Ellie? 11. Chris II: Now, I see Chris II Hello again. I¡¯m lucid today. By that, I mean I¡¯m able to keep myself in the present now. I don¡¯t have to think about the intricacies of the universe and how it all fits. For example, I¡¯ve been thinking about how the universe is expanding. One must ask what is it expanding into. Is it nothing, space that has yet to exist? Is there space outside the universe it can expand to? It¡¯s a good question, but one that doesn¡¯t make sense if one thinks deeply about it. It bugs me deeply because the answer is undefined. By definition, the universe is all of existence. If it is expanding, it is expanding unto itself, an intrinsic property of itself. However, if the universe is finite and there is something outside, the answer becomes unknown as we are bound by the observable universe. But what bothers me more is that I instinctively know these possibilities are both true. For one, I know you are the observer and second, the universe I reside in is infinite through my perspective. Perhaps this question is too much for a simple third-dimensional being like myself. But you don¡¯t want to hear about that, do you? So let me tell you what I¡¯m doing. Emily coughs up the smoke she ripped out of the bong. We were all supposed to meet at her place but I was the only one who showed up. I suppose I should count Grace, after all wherever Emily goes she takes Grace with her now. Like you, I also know the only reason Emily ever became her friend was out of pity. Emily just wants to make herself feel good. Grace isn¡¯t dumb either, naive, but not dumb. I suspect she knows too. Either way, the why won¡¯t end up mattering. A genuine friendship is forming between the two, just like Emily and Elizabeth. ¡°Fuck,¡± Emily continues to cough. ¡°Does it hurt?¡± Grace asks. ¡°No, I just smoked too much,¡± Emily continues. ¡°How does being high feel?¡± I look up at Emily¡¯s bedroom ceiling. Like the treehouse, it¡¯s covered in polaroids. All mementos of times when we were all naive. Emily hasn¡¯t taken a single photo since the suicide. She¡¯s no longer the Ems I grew up with. ¡°Do you want to try?¡± Grace nods. There it is. The pull of the universe. It¡¯s maddening; telling me to stop it without ever telling me why. Like the observer being able to see ahead, past, present, and future whenever you wish. I ask you why is it telling me Grace¡¯s nod isn¡¯t the correct choice. But I cannot hear you. What makes Grace so special that this instinct keeps happening whenever I¡¯m around her? It happened Emily introduced her to us, it happened the night she got drunk with us and it¡¯s happening again, right here. It¡¯s giving me a choice. Grace isn¡¯t destined to smoke right here and now. I can see that. But I don¡¯t stop it. What does it mean to have a will? She coughs up a storm, much worse than Emily ever did. Emily gets up from the floor to grab bottled water from her nightstand and gives it to the little girl. ¡°First time¡¯s always rough,¡± she chuckles. ¡°My mouth feels so dry.¡± ¡°Cottonmouth. Drink some water.¡± ¡°So when does it kick in?¡± ¡°Give it a few. Chris, want some?¡± Emily hands me the bong and I stare at it for a moment. I used to enjoy being high. It would calm my racing thoughts and make me lucid. Now, all it does is make me anxious. The trick to minimizing the effects of smoking is to not actually inhale the smoke. Afterward, you exhale when the least amount of people are watching. This way the thick white smoke isn¡¯t as noticeable compared to the light gray that exits the lungs. ¡°Whoa,¡± Grace coughs a bit. ¡°It¡¯s like an invisible blanket is covering me. Emily giggles, ¡°First time? ¡°Are you sure you want to do this?¡± I speak up for the first time. ¡°Come on Chris, we were like 12 when we first smoked. How old are you again, Gracie?¡± ¡°Fourteen.¡± This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. ¡°See?¡± ¡°The sheep often get led astray without a shepherd.¡± ¡°Oh don¡¯t talk in riddles like Cody, you bitch,¡± Emily rolls her eyes. ¡°My eyes feel funny,¡± Grace laughs. We end up taking Grace home after she smokes a bit more than she can handle. Emily has me carrying the sleeping girl through her house and into her bed. ¡°Oh look, she¡¯s finally decorating her room since last I was here. It used to be so bland.¡± Grace¡¯s room looks like any other to me. It¡¯s not like I can have many comparisons. Mine is probably the blandest out of anyone. I don¡¯t have a need for many materialistic things so there isn¡¯t much. But Grace and everyone else does, so it makes their rooms feel foreign to me. There isn¡¯t much to like in a girl¡¯s room in the first place so I don¡¯t comment on it and take one last look before I leave. The only thing that catches my eye is the curtains. They¡¯re pretty. Emily doesn¡¯t immediately start her car instead choosing to stare at her phone screen for a while. ¡°You think I¡¯m over my head?¡± ¡°With what?¡± ¡°Andrew.¡± I don¡¯t say anything. It¡¯s not my place. It¡¯s situations like these where the pull would be useful. It could guide me and tell me what the right choice for Emily would be. Instead, it¡¯s another pull is happening right here, not towards Emily but my own. It¡¯s the most common. It wants me somewhere today. Should I listen? Okay, I will. ¡°So you¡¯re not going to say anything?¡± Emily slams her head against the headrest. ¡°you''re like my brother and won¡¯t even have the decency to tell me I¡¯m an idiot,¡± she groans under her breath. ¡°You are an idiot, but I rather not talk about it.¡± ¡°Why?¡± ¡°Because you already know what to do.¡± Emily sighs and covers her face with her arms in frustration. ¡°Want to go to the park and smoke some more? I need to clear my head.¡± The park. That¡¯s where I need to be.¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± Emily restlessly moves her legs toward the top of the hill in the park. She¡¯s been anxious all day. Regular friends would talk about what she should do between Andrew and her. But that¡¯s not what she¡¯s actually anxious about. I can tell by her jagged micromovements that something happened between Cody and her. I had a feeling things would end up like this. Cody has never been good at processing his emotions. They only confuse him and lead him astray when he pursues things without a thought. Emily is the opposite. She knows what she wants but is always too afraid to never have it. She fell in love with a con artist, a pretty grifter with a silver tongue and fast hands. And he fell in love with a vulture, always picking skin until she¡¯s left with skeletons; a life of always getting scraps. ¡°Do you have any molly on you?¡± She asks. I shake my head and sit next to her. This is the first time I actually listened to what the universe wanted me to do and it feels empty. There¡¯s nothing special. There¡¯s no one at the park, the streets are quiet and the sun is setting down. Do you know why it brought me here? ¡°What¡¯s with you? You never have shit anymore.¡± ¡°I stopped.¡± ¡°Stopped?¡± Emily¡¯s flabbergasted. There was a time when doing those drugs would pull me out of my head. It¡¯s why I did them. They¡¯re fun, I¡¯m not going to lie to you. Coke makes me feel like a normal human. MDMA connects me to the world and makes me understand it. Mushrooms and LSD give me another perspective of thinking. But I saw everything that it did to Elizabeth, how it made her feel and how she couldn¡¯t handle it. She always wanted me to give her something better, something stronger. Cody told me about it, how they found her using meth that she got from her disowned brother. But a person doesn¡¯t ruin their life chasing a high on a whim. There was an underlying issue, the one everyone wants to know about. The reason why Grace is looking into. I would like to let it go, but I would like to know too. After all, I¡¯m just as responsible for her death just as everyone involved. I sat with her for her first acid trip. ¡°You don¡¯t think Elizabeth¡¯s death affected me too?¡± ¡°Oh, I didn¡¯t know. You¡¯re just so stoic all the time, y¡¯know?¡± ¡°It¡¯s alright, it¡¯s not like I ever talk about it.¡± ¡°Want to?¡± ¡°No.¡± Emily giggles. ¡°Right. She just fucked us all up because we were shitty friends to her. Thank you for sharing, it means a lot that you did.¡± As Emily smokes out of her pipe, I stare back up at the sky. I can feel the lucidity start to fade and the thoughts slowly creep into my mind. The question of consciousness, the implications of destined free will, what it means to be. I look down so these thoughts hopefully end and you don¡¯t get bombarded with them. A side effect of losing touch with reality is hallucinations without psychedelics. A woman walks across the field down from us. She¡¯s dressed in all black and it heavily contrasts her almost angel-like white hair. Even her skin is just as white. Emily hasn¡¯t noticed her or at least commented on it. It''s not real. ¡°You asked me before if you were over your head with Andrew, right?¡± I ask anything to keep my mind occupied. But it¡¯s like a drum, slowly getting louder and louder. A ringing beat keeps pounding my head. ¡°Hmm?¡± Emily exhales. ¡°Ems, what you¡¯re doing is just a retaliation towards Cody¡¯s stupidity.¡± ¡°And what of it? Maybe it''ll push him to take things seriously now. At least with Andrew I don''t have to think about it. " The sound of the drum is coming from my own heart. It¡¯s banging against my ribcage trying its hardest to burst out. ¡°Do you actually like him?¡± ¡°Yeah, sort of. I get it now, why so many girls end up liking him too even though-¡± I don¡¯t hear the rest of it. My entire field of view blackens out except for what is right in front of me; the woman walking across the park. Her strides are short and slow and she¡¯s looking at the ground. The beat of my heart only accelerates. The woman stops and looks up. ¡°Ems,¡± The woman looks in front of her. ¡°Do you see her?¡± The woman turns her head and looks at me. ¡°See who?¡± Her eyes are also as white as the rest of her body. Her eyes don¡¯t let go. Her head tilts and then smiles. ¡°Oh,¡± Emily snaps, bringing my vision back. ¡°She¡¯s really pretty.¡± All the pressure I''ve been feeling dissipates as if was never there, to begin with. I wasn¡¯t hallucinating the woman. The woman with the white hair turns her head forwards and continues to walk. Forward, always forward. 12. Emily II: If we could just pretend Emily II I miss my friends. I miss hanging out all time and cracking jokes with each others. We haven¡¯t been in the same room in a month now. I¡¯m starting to wonder if our friend group is eventually going to split up. That¡¯s the direction I feel it¡¯s going in anyways. I¡¯ve said things to Cody I sort of regret, but I stood my ground so there¡¯s no reason for me to be afraid. He needs to fix his shit together and this is the only way I can think of that will. He thinks of himself as a monster that doesn¡¯t exist. It¡¯s all in his head. I just hope that he¡¯ll figure that out soon because this town is starting to suffocate me. It just feels like there¡¯s this heavy blanket of air surrounding it at all times. I want to get away. My dad¡¯s home for once. All it means is that he¡¯s going to lie down on the couch and watch his football games and leave me alone. I wish he paid more attention to me so I wouldn¡¯t feel so alone in this house all the time. I wish he made more time for me, but I understand why he can¡¯t. Ever since Mom left and took my sister with her, he¡¯s been struggling to keep the house. I stayed so Dad wouldn¡¯t be left alone. Now I wonder if I made the right call as I watch him get mad at the TV. Mom called me a couple of days ago. I haven¡¯t seen her since she left for New York and called to ask if I could come to visit for winter break. I haven¡¯t told Dad yet but I want to go. It¡¯ll be the break I need. I just want to get away from it all. I¡¯m just trying to come up with the right words on how to ask. I¡¯m sure he¡¯ll say yes, it¡¯s not like he hates my mom. They parted amicably and he hasn¡¯t shown any animosity. Or maybe I just don¡¯t know because I haven¡¯t ever talked to him about it. In fact, I don¡¯t think I ever talked to my dad as a person before. He¡¯s not a bad dad, he spoils me and gives me everything I ask for. He watches my weight for me, makes sure I eat, and makes sure I¡¯m okay at all times. He even knows how to calm me down during my panic attacks. But I don¡¯t know anything about this man. He likes football and works 60 hours a week in construction at night. That¡¯s all I know about him. I¡¯m not even sure if he has friends or where he disappears on the weekends. Is he dating? Is he seeing someone? My dad¡¯s a stranger to me. ¡°Dad?¡± ¡°Yeah, Ems?¡± I¡¯m not sure what to even asks for. Do I ask to go with Mom for a bit? Should I ask for a father-daughter date? Or should I just join him and watch the football game with him? ¡°Why don¡¯t we ever just hang out?¡± Dad mutes the TV and turns his head to me. ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°It¡¯s just-¡± I pause. ¡°I don¡¯t know. We never do things together.¡± Dad chuckles and looks up before looking back at me. ¡°It¡¯s not like I don¡¯t want to. You¡¯re never home and when you are, you¡¯re always getting ready to go somewhere.¡± So I¡¯m also to blame? ¡°Something on your mind?¡± ¡°Can we do something then? Just the two of us?¡± Have I ever seen my dad smile before? Is this the first time? ¡°What do you have in mind?¡± ¡°Is this okay? You¡¯re watching your game and all?¡± Dad turns to the TV and then back at me. ¡°It¡¯s not like the outcome is gonna change by me watching it. Where do you want to go?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I thought maybe you had a place.¡± ¡°I do,¡± he smiles. ¡°You hungry?¡± ¡°Not really,¡± I giggle. ¡°But I¡¯ll do my best.¡± ¡°That¡¯s all I ask for, sweetie.¡± He takes me to this restaurant near Pike¡¯s Place. I haven¡¯t been around these parts in a while. I should bring the gang, I¡¯m sure we could have a blast walking around here. Gracie especially would have fun since she¡¯s never been to the city before. We could have a perfect day here. ¡°I took your mom here on one of our dates,¡± my dad asks when we get seated. I noticed we were able to walk in and just ask for a table when my dad mentioned a name I don¡¯t recognize. It further solidifies the point that I don¡¯t know him. This isn¡¯t a restaurant where someone can just walk in and get a table. It¡¯s far too fancy for that. ¡°How¡¯d that go?¡± ¡°I¡¯m pretty sure, Jerrica was conceived that night.¡± ¡°Ew, gross, don¡¯t tell me that.¡± My dad laughs. Have I ever heard him laugh before? ¡°Then don¡¯t ask questions that you¡¯re not ready to handle the answers to.¡± ¡°Do you ever get mad at her?¡± ¡°Who and what for?¡± ¡°Mom, for leaving.¡± Dad shakes his head as our server comes up to us and delivers our drinks. I get plain water and he gets a pint of beer. Dad tells the server to give us a bit of time before we order. ¡°Why would I be mad at your mom?¡± his attention turns back to me. ¡°We had a wonderful twenty years together. I would call that a successful marriage if anything.¡± I don¡¯t even know the whole story of why they broke up. Every time they fought I would just leave the house and go over to Cody¡¯s or the treehouse. I always avoided it. My sister, Jerrica was the one who always dealt with it. All I know is that they kept arguing about being stagnant. Mom always wanted to move but Dad always insisted in staying. They also fought about me and my sickness. Mom thought it would be better if we were in a city and closer to actual facilities where I could get the help I need. I¡¯m sure there were other reasons, these are just the ones I remember. ¡°Do you miss her? Miss Jerrica?¡± Dad asks. ¡°Sometimes. I mean, I talk to Jerrica nearly every day so it''s hard to say I miss her. But mom? Yeah, I do although she can be a real hardass at times.¡± My dad chuckles, ¡°She just wanted the best for you.¡± ¡°And you don¡¯t?¡± ¡°I just want you to walk at your own pace, Emily. You¡¯re your own person, I¡¯m only here to support you the best I can.¡± Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°Why did you and Mom break up?¡± ¡°People just fall out of love. They start to see the world differently from each other and are unable to find that connection they once shared, but that¡¯s okay. I think that¡¯s the best part of life, the ability to change. It¡¯s also one of the worst.¡± His words resonate. We don¡¯t talk much after that. It¡¯s hard to talk to him after what he just said. Instead, we have dumb small talk like strangers do. He asks me how school is going and I tell him about our new friend Grace. We order then our food arrives. I ordered something small, something I can handle but even then I can only stare at it. Eating used to be so simple when I was getting better. Lately, I find myself forgetting to eat even if someone reminds me. ¡°You don¡¯t have to force yourself, Ems,¡± My dad says. ¡°Do you think my sickness will ever come back? ¡°Has it ever left?¡± ¡°It comes and goes, lately I¡¯ve been fine the past couple of months.¡± ¡°Last time was at the beginning of the year, right?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°That¡¯s good to hear, it takes longer to come back each time.¡± I look back down at my food. It¡¯s easier to look at now so I pick up the fork and take a bite. I think the reason why Dad is so understanding is because he knows how hard my life will be. I¡¯m recovering from anorexia, I could fall back into it at any time. I¡¯m small, frail, and weak. But we weren¡¯t talking about my anorexia just then. It¡¯s something I forget I have because I try to enjoy the days when the sickness isn¡¯t there. I¡¯ll live a difficult life because whenever it does come back, I¡¯ll need a person to take care of me. I¡¯m just a burden. They call it Myalgic encephalomyelitis, or Chronic fatigue syndrome. Basically, there are periods in my life where no amount of sleep can cure the pure exhaustion I feel when it comes up. It doesn¡¯t matter if I force myself out of bed or do things I need to do, I¡¯ll always be too tired and then it¡¯ll only make it worse. It¡¯s not depression just raw exhaustion. When I was little and first experienced it, I slept for three days straight. I then stayed up for seven and when I went back to sleep, I never woke back up. That¡¯s when I almost died. That¡¯s when I got the habit of never eating. All of these problems from one disease that nobody even knows how I got or how it exists. ¡°I¡¯ve been meaning to ask,¡± My dad asks as he watches me continue to eat. ¡°How are you feeling after your friend¡¯s death? Has it gotten better?¡± ¡°Elizabeth? Oh yeah. I guess it¡¯s been getting better.¡± ¡°Her mother and I used to be in the same class together. We used to be close friends. You probably don¡¯t remember but when you two were toddlers, you used to play together all the time.¡± ¡°What? How old was I?¡± ¡°Two or three. You two were inseparable.¡± ¡°What happened?¡± ¡°Elizabeth¡¯s mom got remarried and her husband didn¡¯t like me. Somehow always thought I had a thing with her even though I was with your mother. One day we just stopped talking, as he wished.¡± ¡°Wow, what an asshole. Ellie and I used to know each other that long ago. Huh.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a small town.¡± ¡°You ever notice any different about it? The town I mean. You¡¯ve been here your whole life, right?¡± ¡°I wouldn¡¯t say my whole life,¡± Dad smiles. ¡°Your mom¡¯s from New York. I spent a good few years over there trying to win her over.¡± I like it when he smiles. ¡°But yeah, I guess you can say Darkwood has changed. We would all just get drunk when I was your age. It was hard to find good weed. You kids have it good.¡± My heart drops but I try to play it off. It doesn¡¯t work and my dad just laughs at me. ¡°What?¡± ¡°It¡¯s cute how scared you look right now,¡± he laughs even harder. ¡°C¡¯mon, it¡¯s not like you try your best to hide it. Your room smells like a skunk half the time. I¡¯m not mad.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not?¡± ¡°Are you being safe? Not doing too much, not being taken advantage of? ¡°No.¡± ¡°Ems, Darkwood is a boring place. We used to get blackout drunk every day just to pass the time. Just as long as you''re being safe, it¡¯s all okay to me. And I know how smart you are so I know you¡¯ll be okay. Does that make me a bad father, for saying all that?¡± ¡°Um, I¡¯m not sure. But you are super fucking cool,¡± I giggle. ¡°I¡¯m glad I have your approval, just don¡¯t do too much please.¡± ¡°I know.¡± ¡°I¡¯m serious, don¡¯t become an addict. Elizabeth¡¯s mother, her name is Cecilia. Her firstborn became an addict and she had to throw him out. I watched him grow up and throw his life away. I don¡¯t want that to be you.¡± ¡°It won¡¯t, I promise.¡± ¡°Good,¡± I remember Elizabeth¡¯s brother. I never personally met him but I saw when they were reunited by pure chance. Maybe she thought she could salvage their relationship and bring him back, but he fucked up. All I know is he became another source of drugs when we cut her off. If it wasn¡¯t for him Cody wouldn¡¯t have found the drugs, he wouldn¡¯t have gotten so angry, and wouldn¡¯t try to hurt her, hurting me instead. It¡¯s not Cody¡¯s fault. I know he feels guilty about it, that he doesn¡¯t want to be like his father when he was young. All I can do is to support him and assure him that it isn¡¯t him, but lately, that¡¯s been so difficult. Cody''s lost sight of who he was before all of this. I know what he''s doing. He was never like this with me so I thought I was the exception. I think the guilt he feels is forcing him to prove that he wasn''t at fault. That''s the best I can think of. I just want the awkward and quiet boy back. He¡¯s the only person aside from my Dad or sister who understands my sickness; he¡¯s the only person who¡¯s there when I do get sick. Cody is the only person who¡¯ll stick through it and take care of me. He¡¯s my best friend, my soul mate, and the only person I ever see myself with in the future. All I want is the old Cody back. But then we started high school, started doing drugs, going to parties, dating other people, dating Elizabeth, then she dies and it all changes and nothing is the same. I don¡¯t think it¡¯ll ever be the same. So why am I so desperate to hang on to something that¡¯s already gone? Why do I keep pretending that I¡¯m still living in a fairy tale? Why do I keep pretending that I deserve it? I don''t. I manipulated Elizabeth as much as he did. I liked her being jealous of me. - Dad takes us home after dinner. We talk more on the way back while I admire the light drizzle falling down outside. It¡¯s not that I never knew my father. He¡¯s always been here, I just never tried. It¡¯s one of those things that I never thought to cherish. He¡¯s much easier to get along with than mom; who is abrasive and always so judgemental. I never did ask Jerrica why she decided to go with her. I don¡¯t even know my own mother. Do people even know me? They don¡¯t ask about my interests and hobbies. All everyone cares about is if they can come to my kickbacks or if I can score drugs for them. All guys just become my friend just so they can fuck me. All girls want to be my friend because being my friend means they become noticeable. I¡¯m not a person, just an object. I¡¯m just an object to Andrew. I''m just a girl afraid of losing the little she does have. In the end, I don¡¯t ask my dad if I could go to New York to visit Mom and Jerrica. It¡¯s not that I can¡¯t. I¡¯m even more sure he¡¯ll say yes now. It¡¯s just that Mom also asked me to stay with her if I liked it over there. I don¡¯t know if I could do that to Dad, but New York is the one place where I can be something more than I am. I''m convinced nothing good ever happens in Darkwood. Everyone here is just fucked up and act like it''s normal. It''s like the rumors that the town is cursed is true. No one ever comes inside and leaves without the town leaving its mark on you. In New York, I can get away. I can have the opportunity to pursue the things I actually like. I don¡¯t do anything else when I enter my room but get high and texting Andrew and Sara. Chris unexpectedly sends me a text, ¡°the lady with the white hair hasn¡¯t left my mind,¡± he says. ¡°You¡¯re just in your head again, try to relax.¡± He fears that what we saw yesterday wasn¡¯t real. Poor boy, I really do wish he laid off the psychedelics. He says we should never worry. I know he¡¯s the most intelligent person I¡¯ll ever meet and knows what he¡¯s doing, but I still worry. Then Gracie sends me a text: ¡°I found this really cool scarf today at the store. Thought of u, sending pic.¡± I need to be a better friend to Grace. She¡¯s so young, she doesn''t need to turn into one of us. She doesn¡¯t need to turn into me. She¡¯s far too cute to deserve that fate. I think she¡¯s the only pure thing left in this town. An innocence that''ll get corrupted either way. I lay down on my bed and pray for things to start being the same before all of this bullshit started happening. Something has to change because I can¡¯t continue to pretend that everything is fine. Everyone is still on edge and I¡¯m about to explode. I just want something to change. Anything. 13. Sara III: this will destroy you Sara III For a while now, everything has been okay. The fears I once held are a distant memory and I can only laugh at all the silly things I did just to hide away from it. I like girls. I liked Elizabeth. I thought she was so beautiful and misunderstood just like me. We got close because of that, and she understood me. I can only wonder if she felt the same. She was at least curious. But I¡¯m gay, and that¡¯s okay. For once in my life, I don¡¯t feel miserable. I dont stop and stare at myself in the bathroom mirror after a shower. I don¡¯t mind the cuts, there¡¯s nothing hideous, only beauty. So I smile. Everything is okay and I feel like I¡¯m starting to come alive. I haven¡¯t smoked or snorted a line in days. I haven¡¯t been drinking and my skin thanks me for it. Once again my brother opens the bathroom door and tosses me a baggie that I don¡¯t need. ¡°We¡¯re all going to The Diner before heading to Seattle, coming?¡± A genuine smile feels weird but nice. ¡°Yeah, let me get dressed.¡± Andrew drops me off and drives off, telling me, ¡°I have to go do a deal, be right back.¡± I¡¯m the first one here. For once The Diner is fairly empty so I take my seat at the table we always sit at, towards the back away from everyone. The only problem is that when I get back there, I find someone already sitting there. It¡¯s Ellie¡¯s friend, Jana Kramer. The poor girl, ever since the suicide, has been a recluse. She doesn¡¯t talk to anyone or socialize anymore. She stopped caring about what she wears and always hides her eyes with her bangs. Strangely, I always felt like she and I were similar. We never got too close and only hung out a handful of times, but she used to be so full of life. Ellie¡¯s death hit her the hardest and nobody is there for her. Jana Kramer looks up at me and quickly gets up from her seat. ¡°Sorry,¡± she says as she hurries out. ¡°Wait, you don¡¯t have to leave!¡± But she¡¯s already gone. It¡¯s not that nobody is there for her, she just doesn¡¯t let anyone. A thought comes across my head. A silly one, one that makes me smile, one that makes me imagine. Something I haven¡¯t allowed myself to do in a long time. All of this is new to me. It¡¯s an emotion I haven¡¯t felt since Mom died. I can finally admit that I had a crush on Jana Kramer for ages. It feels good to finally say that. Maybe I can help her. I always thought I would have to carry this sadness, this ghost around for the rest of my life. But that isn¡¯t true, is it? It does get better. It did get better, all I had to do was to stop running away and face my fears. Emily and Grace are the first ones to arrive. I¡¯m told Chris won¡¯t be able to make it and Cody is busy in Seattle; not that I want Cody here anyway. Things have been so tense between Ems and him. The air is uncomfortable with him around. ¡°Did Andrew tell you what we¡¯re doing in Seattle?¡± Emily asks. ¡°No idea, I just sort of agreed,¡± I giggle. ¡°Probably a party. Tagging along, Gracie?¡± Emily shakes her head, ¡°He asked her to come.¡± ¡°Yeah, weird, huh?¡± Grace adds. What¡¯s weirder is how Emily is now talking to my brother. It¡¯s a bit concerning because that¡¯s the last thing I thought would ever happen. Andrew¡¯s is the polar opposite of Emily¡¯s type. I doubt it¡¯s anything serious and would be willing to be it¡¯s all just to get back at Cody. Ems won¡¯t tell me much about the reason for it all. I just get, ¡°idk¡¯s¡± and ¡°it¡¯s fun.¡± ¡°D¡¯you see Alyssa put Megan in her place?¡± Emily tells me. ¡°What?! No, when was this.¡± ¡°Last night on Facebook. The whole divide your brother did really drove a wedge between all of them. Alyssa told Megan that she was a cunt for using Ellie¡¯s death just to get sympathy¡± ¡°Well duh, bitch had it coming day one,¡± I say pulling out my phone to check out this hot gossip I missed. ¡°They¡¯re not bothering you anymore, right Grace?¡± The young girl shakes her head with a smile, ¡°No, Andrew makes sure of that. I used to be scared of him, but he¡¯s kind of cool.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t be fooled, he¡¯s the devil.¡± Emily rests her chin on her palm, smiles, and says, ¡°My kind of devil.¡± ¡°Ew, gross.¡± ¡°So are you two a thing now?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know yet,¡± Emily sighs. ¡°We¡¯ll see next week after the school dance.¡± I take my eyes off my phone for a second to glance over at Grace. She has an excited look on her face like she¡¯s glad to hear this. I can only imagine what about. Gracie is so new that everything is on the table. My eyes focus on Alyssa¡¯s Facebook post. Drama, drama, drama. Like any fight, people pick sides but nothing Megan rebuttals with paints her in a good light. Even the weird kid Bo that takes videos of all the parties backs up Alyssa with video evidence of Megan talking shit about Elizabeth. Megan had it coming. She always tried to undermine Elizabeth any time she could. Now that Ellie''s out of the picture, Megan has been running the show like she always wanted. We all see through it. Elizabeth was something truly special, she had a light that no one else came close to sharing. ¡°Ladies, ladies, ladies. I see you¡¯re all comfortable,¡± My brother walks in with an exaggerated swagger. ¡°Freshfuck, I see you stopped dressing like a five-year-old. What did Ems dress you?¡± he asks pointing at Gracie''s outfit while taking his seat next to me. I didn¡¯t notice it before, but Grace is wearing Emily¡¯s old clothes. ¡°Actually, I did, Andrew. Got a problem with that?¡± Ems pouts. ¡°Never said I did.¡± ¡°Well? How¡¯d I do?¡± Andrew tilts his head and stares at Grace which makes her cower in empressement. ¡°Brainguts, tell ya'' mom to get you contacts, maybe then you¡¯ll look normal.¡± ¡°Andrew,¡± I slap his chest with the back of my hand. ¡°I-its okay. I don¡¯t mind.¡± ¡°See? Don¡¯t get all hurt, my carpet muncher little sis,¡± he laughs. Emily¡¯s head jerks up, surprised. I¡¯d forgotten to tell her that I told him. Andrew catches it and starts to obnoxiously laugh. ¡°You¡¯re a lesbian?¡± Grace mouths to me. ¡°Fucking hell, Sara. How¡¯d I end up with a dumb little sister like you?¡± ¡°We¡¯re the same age, asshole.¡± Emily starts to laugh. ¡°So you don¡¯t mind?¡± Andrew shrugs, ¡°Sara¡¯s all I got,¡± he looks at me. Deep inside I feel my heart tighten. He hasn¡¯t ever looked at me like this before, with a brotherly smile. It¡¯s always been just the two of us. I¡¯d forgotten. He¡¯s all I have too. ¡°And that¡¯s what we call, character development.¡± ¡°Shut the fuck up, Ems.¡± - The big day out turns out to be nothing but an outing to Seattle¡¯s skatepark. We don¡¯t like coming here because during the night it gets infested by the homeless and drug addicts. What¡¯s worse is that we¡¯re here to catch a freestyle battle tournament that Cody¡¯s attending. If we¡¯d known, Emily probably wouldn¡¯t have come but Andrew was our ride so now we¡¯re stuck. For a small tournament, there is a bit of a crowd. We take our seats on some bleachers in front of where everything is happening. ¡°Why the fuck are we here?¡± Emily complains. Cody has noticed us but mostly ignores us. He¡¯s too focused on the two-person battle rapping right now. I can''t complain too much after getting comfortable, I like his raps, Cody¡¯s creative and witty. This is the first time I have ever seen him compete. ¡°Ah just here to show support. There¡¯s no reason we should all stop being friends.¡± ¡°Just seems cruel.¡± ¡°What¡¯s happening?¡± ¡°Cody¡¯s gonna freestyle in a bit, Gracie-kin,¡± Andrew chuckles. ¡°Slim¡¯s gonna win it all too.¡± ¡°He raps?¡± ¡°Since we were little. Always had a talent for it although it''s been a while since any of us has heard any of it.¡± Soon enough, Cody¡¯s turn approaches and we learn it¡¯s already the semi-finals. I''ve never been into rap or the whole hip-hop scene so I¡¯m not sure how the rules are set or how one even wins. I assume it¡¯s like 8-mile and the biggest reaction from the crowd wins. Cody starts, ¡°Ayo this cat can¡¯t stand me, know he wants to hand me. He¡¯ll only win this battle cause this whole crowd¡¯s his family. Is that how it goes? You¡¯re the only mother fucker I know with eighty losses in a row? Your flow is weak and when you do that shit, you show me your corroded ass teeth. Oh, he¡¯s spittin¡¯ my lines, thinking that he¡¯s fresher. Doing that is the only way you¡¯ll ever sell a record. So why you¡¯d do that? You act hard but don¡¯t even own a gat. You know what? You need to take your whole fucking crew back to the school block. Pull up a stool, I¡¯m the teacher. I¡¯m about to wear your bitch ass out like your sneakers. You MC¡¯s to me is just geekers. This cat stays close to my dick like a beeper, he ain¡¯ even coming with the cheaper. Now you just lost your life to me, the grim reaper.¡± The crowd erupts. Cody¡¯s opponent looks unfazed. I look over to Emily who¡¯s biting her lips. Andrew¡¯s grinning. He loves this shit. Grace is star-struck. Cody¡¯s opponent isn¡¯t as impressive and as such, loses. There¡¯s a lull before the finals. Cody comes up to us and asks, ¡°What are you guys doing here?¡± ¡°Being supportive, fucker.¡± ¡°He brought us here without telling us,¡± Emily correctly answers. ¡°Right,¡± Cody snarks. ¡°Well thanks for showing up, I guess.¡± ¡°Why didn¡¯t you tell me you were competing today?¡± Cody doesn¡¯t answer and heads back to compete. The awkward tension around us is just too much to handle. If it was made out of a knife, you could cut a diamond with it. I bet this was all part of Andrew¡¯s plan. He loves to cause chaos. If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation. The second battle starts. The opponent goes first. It¡¯s quite impressive. So impressive that the crowd doesn¡¯t quiet down for a bit. Then Cody goes. I¡¯m not sure if he¡¯s anxious or mad but he doesn¡¯t take his eyes off his opponent. It¡¯s fierce what his eyes can do. Cody can look at you like his eyes are stabbing you. I can feel them stabbing me even though they''re not even looking at me. They''re that intense. ¡°Yo, you straight bring the worst game, couldn¡¯t be one even if Jayceon was your name. I grab the microphone and let you know I¡¯m mad tight. I let you know I could have been your dad, right? Matter of fact, I was with your mom last night. Matter fact, I¡¯m the reason your little sister¡¯s half white,¡± That last line gets a massive crowd chant. Even I cheer. ¡°Let you know that she was terrible. I¡¯ll beat you so bad I¡¯ll let your parents know. You know I rap for props, this just another wack cat on my jock. I grab the microphone and straight smoke a clown, I¡¯ll even beat him in his own fucking hometown. Now, what does that make you? On the mic, I break you. Even if you was a bitch with your legs open, no one¡¯d rape you.¡± Wow. He¡¯s so angry. ¡°On the mic, he¡¯s straight up wack. Look at this cat, 25, can¡¯t grow a mustache. What¡¯s up with that? Your whole style is weak. You get defeated, depleted, your whole style is cheap. I grab the mic and disconnect your face. Yo, it¡¯s your turn, but you got second place.¡± - ¡°Fuckin¡¯ Hell, Cody-kin you didn¡¯t have to murder him, slim.¡± ¡°You did good. Congrats.¡± ¡°That was so cool!¡± ¡°That was brutal,¡± I tell him. Cody pulls out a blunt and lights it up while we hand around the bleachers. ¡°It went alright, I guess.¡± he ended up winning and won some cash as well as a qualifier for the next round. All of this is supposed to lead up to the biggest tournament in Seattle. ¡°You didn¡¯t have to bring everybody, Andrew.¡± ¡°Oh, don¡¯t give me that. Everyone loves an audience.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t know you rap.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t exactly advertise it, Grace.¡± ¡°What were you planning to do after this? Want to hang out?¡± Emily asks. ¡°I was gonna skate for a bit, I guess we could chill here.¡± The tension between Ems and Cody has been subsidizing the longer they¡¯re around each other. I thought it would last forever and suffocate me. I also thought Cody would show more animosity toward Andrew but that hasn¡¯t happened either and I don¡¯t quite get it. Is it just a guy thing to be bros? Bros over hoes, I think is what they call it? It¡¯s stupid. Ever since the death, our group hasn¡¯t ever been together all at the same time. Today we¡¯re just missing Chris. It''s like things are becoming normal again. Just like before, we just hang around the bleachers talking about nothing and cracking jokes at each other. Gracie becomes the butt end of most of them, mostly because of Andrew. She takes them and laughs with us. Even Cody cracks a few jokes and acts like his regular self. We''re all moving on. It¡¯s not my imagination, but things do get better. The sun starts to set. At night, the homeless come out. We don¡¯t mind because we¡¯re all having a blast. We¡¯re all so young and have an eternity to worry about dumb stuff. So we¡¯re enjoying the now, at least that¡¯s how I see it. There¡¯s a point where I catch Gracie unable to look away from Cody and her previous actions click. I don¡¯t think anyone has noticed. She catches me staring and asks, ¡°What?¡± ¡°Nothing,¡± I smile. This is going to be my little secret. I didn¡¯t expect to be endeared by her. At first, I thought she was just some little dork we were taking pity on. Gracie has shown me that even though her dorkiness a cool girl lies underneath. She doesn¡¯t judge, doesn¡¯t cause trouble, and just wants to always be around. Grace is eager to learn. I even heard that she smoked for the first time a few days ago. Wish I was there to see it. If she ever gets good at makeup and gets a bit of style, maybe she¡¯ll eventually make her own friends and stop depending on us. That¡¯s the best thing for her. The sunsets and eventually, everything calms down. Cody goes down to the rink to skate and Emily joins him, borrowing a board from one of the locals. Andrew lays on my lap while I light up a blunt for the first time in a few days. ¡°Did you have fun today?¡± I ask Grace. ¡°Honestly, I don¡¯t think I ever had so much fun before.¡± ¡°That¡¯s because you never hung out with me,¡± Andrew interjects. ¡°I don¡¯t even like you.¡± Andrew scoffs. ¡°When did you grow the balls?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t have the take shit from bullies like you.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve never!¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to get so defensive, Andrew.¡± I giggle. ¡°I guess Gracie isn¡¯t the lame little girl we once knew.¡± ¡°Uh, thanks I guess?¡± ¡°Bullshit, so you drank and smoked a little. Still makes you a scared little bitch that won¡¯t ever stand up for herself.¡± ¡°Not true!¡± Andrew gets up and shoves himself right in front of Grace¡¯s face with his iconic grin. Grace tries to stand her ground but I notice her legs are shaking a bit. ¡°Prove it then, bitch. Prove me wrong.¡± ¡°Andrew, stop!¡± My brother eyes me then backs off, sighing and crossing his arms. ¡°You¡¯re not even close to being considered my friend.¡± ¡°Not sure I want to.¡± ¡°Everyone does eventually, love.¡± From my peripheral vision, a strange man is walking towards us. Cody notices him before my brother and runs up in front of us to stop the guy from getting any closer. ¡°What are you doing here?¡± Cody asks him standing as a wedge. ¡°Oh? You?¡± Andrew stands. The stranger¡¯s homeless with dirt all over his face. He smells burnt and has scabs around his man. I wonder how Cody and Andrew know him. ¡°Have you seen my sister? She hasn¡¯t paid me back.¡± Emily then takes notice and stops skating to join us. She knows who this is too. ¡°Pay you back for what?¡± ¡°The Winter she bought from me. I have to pay Lyle back, but I need to find her first.¡± Winter? The old drug? ¡°The fuck you on? Winter hasn¡¯t existed in years, slim. Let alone a junkie like you having access to it. The fuck you mean?¡± ¡°Nah, nah. Lyle has this new shit, you smoke it now.¡± Cody gets in front of the stranger. ¡°Is that what she smoked? Winter? Not meth?¡± ¡°Yeah, it was Winter. You guys are her friends, know where she is? I need the money.¡± I remember Emily told me the night Cody and Elizabeth essentially broke up. He found her smoking meth and he blew up on her. The puzzle pieces start to click together. This is her brother. I think she mentioned him once, his name is Matthew. He¡¯s been disowned by Elizabeth¡¯s family since she was a kid. ¡°Mate, Elizabeth¡¯s dead,¡± Andrew laughs. ¡°What? That can¡¯t be-¡± So she smoked Winter? That¡¯s what they found. ¡°What¡¯s Winter?¡± Grace whispers to me. It¡¯s an old drug that shouldn¡¯t exist anymore. It¡¯s rumored to have the greatest high one can achieve. It¡¯s like a mix of MDMA, coke, and Acid all wrapped in one. One of the rumors says that it¡¯s hallucinogens that show you and give you your greatest desires. A drug I always wanted to try. ¡°Slim, she¡¯s dead. Got a bullet through her brain, went blaht!¡± Andrew makes a gun with his fingers and shoots himself in the head. ¡°What the fuck did you do to my little sister?!¡± Andrew gets down from the bleachers and gets in front of Matthew¡¯s face. ¡°I didn¡¯t do shit except fuck her tight little pussy,¡± he laughs. Fuck, I hate when he gets like this. ¡°Andrew shut the fuck up!¡± Cody yells. ¡°Matt, we didn¡¯t do shit, alright? Sorry, you found out this way, but leave alone.¡± ¡°No, fuck you! I needed that money! You guys killed her!¡± ¡°Fuck you, what the fuck are you going to do about it,¡± Andrew shouts back, almost laughing. ¡°She killed herself and if anything, it¡¯s your fucking fault!¡± ¡°ANDREW!¡± Cody screams. Maybe I blank it out but I didn''t notice. Matthew has a gun pulled on us. I feel Grace¡¯s hand start to suffocate my arm. Emily backs behind Cody, rightfully scared. I think everyone is. I¡¯ve never seen a real gun before and now one is pointed at my brother. It swings at all of us and it terrifies everyone. It doesn''t scare me. ¡°Do it you fucking pussy,¡± my brother gets in front of all of us, putting his forehead directly on the barrel. ¡°Do it you fucking pussy!¡± he shouts again. By now the entire skatepark has noticed and fled the scene except for a few people watching. I¡¯m not scared. I¡¯m stunned. I don¡¯t recognize my brother. This isn¡¯t him. Grace has moved behind me and clings on my shoulders for her dear life. Ems is holding Cody¡¯s hand, trembling and that¡¯s when I notice Cody isn¡¯t afraid either. ¡°Fuck you, I didn¡¯t kill my sister!¡± ¡°You¡¯re the one who hooked her on that fake shit drug. You don¡¯t smoke real Winter, dumbass. All you had to do was to leave her alone, but nah, you just had to borrow some money and now she¡¯s dead.¡± ¡°Andrew just shut up for once! Listen, Matt put the gun down. No one killed her. No one¡¯s at fault.¡± ¡°You¡¯re lying.¡± ¡°No one¡¯s lying. We¡¯re just as sad about it as you are, man. Just put the gun down.¡± Andrew places his hands on the barrel and shoves it deeper into his skull. ¡°Or you can just shoot me, here and now, and avenge her.¡± There¡¯s silence, then there¡¯s, ¡°DO IT YOU FUCKIN¡¯ PUSSY¡± And then there¡¯s nothing. There''s no shot. Nothing happens. Matthew drops his arms and walks away. Grace nearly faints on me and Emily falls on her knees. Cody gets down to take care of her while my brother starts to laugh maniacally. His laughter brings a constant ring to my ear. The ringing doesn¡¯t stop as we all get home safe and sound. No one talks. No one even looks at each other. We''re all in too much shock or in denial of what just happened. Andrew drops me off last and tells me he¡¯s going to do some drug deals before coming back home. - My room¡¯s a mess. I start to clean as the ringing in my ears continues. My vision is hazy, not sure when that started. It¡¯s like I¡¯m not here. I find a white baggie inside my back pocket. The best part about Coke is how fast it takes to come up from it. It fixes my vision and numbs the inside of my nose. Part of falls down to my throat and it numbs back there too. I love this feeling. When I go to the bathroom I notice my mascara¡¯s been running. I haven¡¯t even noticed I cried. I rub it all over my face and smile. What would I do if something bad happened to Andrew? Why did he put his life in danger like that? Shit. I''ve been so deep in my problems that I haven''t thought about Andrew. He''s slowly has been getting worse and I haven''t talked to him about it. He acts like he doesn''t let anything bother him. I know him. I''m the only one who knows who he is. I run and cower away from my problems. Andrew fights against them. We''re both broken people. We only have each other. That single thread that ties us together is the only thing keeping us from falling. I think it''s time to get him to open up to me. ¡°Sara!¡± I hear a voice but it¡¯s faint compared to the ringing in my ear. I''m reminded that things were too good to be true. All good things come to an end. Happiness is just a fleeting feeling in a sea of darkness. There¡¯s no such thing as justice and the concept of fairness. All life is, is a series of misery and suffering. I was stupid to think otherwise. Every single part of me sinks into the dark abyss that I call home. I don''t bruise easily, not anymore. I''ve gotten used to it. Andrew doesn''t know. I fear what he''ll do if he finds out our dad likes to hit me. It''s been a while since he did. I clean my hands first and then step out to the bathroom to greet my father. ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°Where the fuck have you been!? And why haven¡¯t you cleaned the house?!¡± My father stands drunk in the kitchen with a half-empty bottle in his hand. ¡°I was with And-¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care! What the fuck did I tell you about staying home! I told you to clean the fucking house!¡± Fuck. I hate these parts the most. I¡¯m so scared. Where¡¯s Andrew? This doesn''t happen when he''s home. I''ve grown used to spacing it out. I don¡¯t even feel the fist he just threw at me. I''m knocked into the ground. ¡°How many fucking times do I have to do this for you to fucking learn!¡± Again. He hits me again. And Again. I can¡¯t leave. Where would I go? Emily¡¯s dad would only let me spend the night over so many times. No one else would take me. I don¡¯t want to leave the city and live with some other fucked up family. I don¡¯t have a choice. I don¡¯t¡­ all I have to do is to suck it up. I go limp and there¡¯s a moment of nothing. ¡°You look so much like your mother.¡± Something''s different. It''s not like before. He¡¯s on top of me. Why? What¡¯s going on? Why is my shirt open? Oh. You¡¯re such a piece of shit for letting him do this. I mean, he¡¯s fucking raping you! What the fuck is wrong with you? All you have to do is tell someone and you could end all this madness. You make me fucking sick, Sara. No wonder daddy isn¡¯t daddy anymore. Mom¡¯s suicide is pretty much all your fault. You made Andrew into a piece of shit. That¡¯s your fault too, should have been there when he needed you. I bet you don¡¯t remember last summer when you took Lucas¡¯ dick in the ass. But oh no, you just had to enjoy fantasizing about eating out all those girls you had crushes on. Why don¡¯t you fantasize about fucking Elizabeth, or Jana Kramer? Compared to that, this isn¡¯t all that bad, huh? I wonder if Emily would stay your best friend, even a friend at all if she knew all of this. I bet you want to eat her pussy too, huh bitch? What about Grace¡¯s young jailbait pussy? I bet you want a taste of that you whore. It wouldn¡¯t be too hard either, after all, she¡¯s just a stupid freshman who could be easily manipulated. I bet Andrew gets to her before you do. Nah, I hope he does just to watch you suffer. Oh? You like it when daddy spanks you, don¡¯t you? Yeah, you do you fucking slut. You are nothing but a worthless piece of a motherfucking faggot cunt shit. Oh yeah, it¡¯s getting rougher, isn¡¯t it?! Fuck yeah; take it like the bitch that you are, SARA! TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT! YOU KNOW YOU LOVE THAT MOTHERFUCKING DISGUSTING COCK! Oh, it hurts, doesn¡¯t it? By the time you¡¯ll be finished with school, your pussy will be fucking loose. NOBODY WOULD WANT YOU! And all you can do is cry and cry and cry. It¡¯s all because you¡¯re nothing but a weak fucking girl. Why haven¡¯t you killed yourself yet? Elizabeth and Mom did. It¡¯s really not that hard. The guy fucking you right now keeps his gun under the bed. DO IT FAGGOT! But you¡¯re too scared. That¡¯s why you snort Yay and pass out. That¡¯s why you drink heavily just like your stupid shit of a rapist father. All you do is hide. You¡¯re weak. Your existence in this fucking universe is fucking meaningless. You refuse to admit what happened during Mom''s suicide. Yeah, I bet you fucking regret that stupid night. Hmm, he finished. What a fucking disappointment. Clean your whore dirty body up and cry yourself to sleep you faggot. - I hug my pillow as I scream into it. The tears have made it unbearable to even breath but I don¡¯t care. I cry. And I cry. And I cry. And I cry. And I cry. And I cry. And I cry. And I cry. I need to die. Elizabeth made it seem all so easy. I light up a cigarette. 14. Elizabeth: Short Term Memory Loss Elizabeth II It¡¯s the day before the school¡¯s dance. Emily convinced everyone to ditch school and head to Pike¡¯s Place since it would be Grace¡¯s first time there. This is the first time everyone has managed to be in the same spot at the same time. It makes Emily happy. As it¡¯s Grace¡¯s first time, they first take her to all the tourist spots. Grace finds out she doesn¡¯t enjoy the smell of fish and starts to hate lingering around all the open shops. She particularly finds the gum wall the most fascinating during her exploration. ¡°Ew, what¡¯s with all the gum on the wall?¡± Emily gives her a piece of gum, ¡°Now that you¡¯re here, it¡¯s your turn to add to it.¡± ¡°Ew no, that¡¯s gross.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t be a wimp,¡± Cody says as he searches for the one he placed last year. He made sure to put it in a place he would remember but there¡¯s so much dried gum everywhere that it all looks the same to him. Grace takes the gum and starts to chew, ¡°So what? I just put it anywhere?¡± ¡°That¡¯s the idea,¡± Emily giggles. Sara places hers behind a pipe with a folded paper sticking to it. Chris doesn¡¯t care for such things but finds all the colors soothing so he just stares. Andrew paces around restlessly as he tries to chew ten pieces of gum all at once. ¡°Why is there so much?¡± Grace asks. ¡°It¡¯s a tourist attraction, freshfuck,¡± Andrew says as he slaps his gigantic piece on top of many old pieces. ¡°Shit¡¯s dumb.¡± ¡°I wonder how much gum is here.¡± ¡°Probably over one hundred thousand,¡± Cody answers. Grace gets up close to a wall to examine it further and to even smell it. She doesn¡¯t smell anything particularly weird. At the same time, Sara pulls out a baggie and picks up some white powder with her nail. ¡°Not in public,¡± Emily scolds her. Sara ignores her and snorts the coke. Emily watches her best friend but can''t do much to stop her. Sara hasn¡¯t said much all day nor have they texted since the day at the skatepark. She thinks that Sara just needs time to calm her nerves, that night was pretty scary after all. Emily assures herself that Sara will be fine. She¡¯s strong after all. The group walks down to the pier as Andrew curses the air and expresses his hatred towards hills. They end up on the one closest to the newly open Ferris wheel. Emily leans over the railing with Grace as both watch the calmness of the sea. ¡°It¡¯s so beautiful, I never knew it would be this pretty.¡± ¡°Yeah I know, I don¡¯t come here often enough.¡± ¡°How much does the Ferris wheel cost?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t know, never been,¡± Emily shrugs. ¡°Want me to check?¡± Cody leans on the railing next to her. ¡°Yes, please.¡± ¡°What is Sara doing?¡± Grace asks. Emily looks over to Sara who is sharing some coke with Andrew. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it, Grace.¡± ¡°Is she okay? She hasn¡¯t said anything to me.¡± ¡°She¡¯s fine.¡± She¡¯s not. All Sara wants to keep the high going as long as she can, but she¡¯s almost out. She asks Andrew if he has any more on him but it comes out as a negative. All Sara can hope for is that she can hang onto her high until she gets more. As the sun starts to set, they find themselves in front of the fountain by the aquarium. Grace asks Cody, ¡°So what type of girls do you like?¡± ¡°Why do you want to know that?¡± he chuckles. ¡°What? I can¡¯t ask?¡± ¡°Yo, yo, yo, I know what type of girls you like,¡± Andrew interrupts. ¡°And what¡¯s that?¡± Cody laughs. He¡¯s actually enjoying himself despite how he feels at the current moment. The past doesn¡¯t matter right now and he feels that¡¯s all he needs. ¡°Remember that girl I was talking to, er, at the club that one time.¡± ¡°The brunette?¡± ¡°Yeah, yeah, with the big titties.¡± ¡°Wait, how did you get into a club?¡± Emily asks. ¡°Baby, baby you know I have some pull,¡± Andrew laughs. ¡°Shit, Cody-kin, you were mad pissed that she was into me, remember? Man, she was thick.¡± ¡°You like thick girls?¡± Grace laughs. Cody¡¯s eyes widen in shock. Emily notices how loose he is and finds herself laughing. He¡¯s back to his regular self. ¡°He¡¯s lying! Don¡¯t be putting words in my mouth.¡± Emily¡¯s and Cody¡¯s eyes meet and the spark she¡¯s been longing for all this time is there. Cody¡¯s eyes have always been beautiful and such Emily has trained herself to never be entranced by them. Today is the one time that fails. Later, they walk back to Waterfront Park, specifically to the Ferris Wheel. Grace hangs over the rails and looks down at the water. ¡°How many people do you think jump into the water? I was googling it and not much comes up.¡± ¡°Nobody¡¯s that crazy,¡± Emily answers. ¡°They¡¯ll probably die if they tried,¡± Cody adds. Sara grabs onto the railing and looks down at the water. She can¡¯t see the bottom. It¡¯s perfect, she thinks, but too public. She watches the water move around so calmly and smiles. ¡°Jump, Cody-kin!¡± Andrew yells. ¡°Jump yourself,¡± ¡°Fuck it, we ball,¡± Andrew laughs. Before anyone can stop him, Andrew is already running towards the railing. He leaps upwards then falls, splashing into the sea. The girls scream and lean over the railing to find out if he''s okay. Nobody sees Andrew anywhere. All that¡¯s left is the leftover ripples from the splash and curious bystanders gathering around to see what happened. Andrew doesn¡¯t emerge and Cody gets himself ready to jump over to try and save him. He sighs in relief when Andrew suddenly jumps out onto a ladder that¡¯s connected to the dock. His laughter is heard by the entire area. ¡°What the fuck is wrong with you?!¡± Emily berates him once he¡¯s on solid ground. Andrew shakes himself like a wet dog, ¡°Sounded like a good time. It was.¡± Even though it got Emily wet, she finds herself laughing. -- ¡°I was like, make up your fucking mind.¡± ¡°Ugh, I know, I just wanted to punch the bitch.¡± ¡°It¡¯s whatever. Um, hey, you okay? You¡¯ve been doing a lot of coke today. Maybe slow down?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡± ¡°Is this about the other day? I know it was scary but that''ll never hap-¡± ¡°It¡¯s not, drop it, Ems.¡± ¡°Uhm, okay.¡± ¡°Has Gracie been dealing with it okay?¡± ¡°She''s managing. ¡± -- ¡°You looked like you pissed your fucking pants the other night, Lil¡¯ Grace. What, the sight of a gun scares you that much? I mean what doesn¡¯t?¡± ¡°Leave her alone, man.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t let people defend you forever, speak your mind.¡± ¡°Yeah, of course, it was scary! You practically begged him to shoot you! You¡¯re fricking crazy!¡± ¡°Do you ever curse?¡± ¡°Were you not scared? " ¡°I¡¯m Andrew fuckin¡¯ Mera, bitch. Aint a thing in the world to be scared of.¡± --- ¡°I mean, it¡¯s only a theory, but it works that way, yeah. Say you do travel back in time and decide to change something. Say for example you decide to go back and kill your grampa, it creates a paradox, right? This is used a lot because it¡¯s the easiest to explain. On one hand, you kill your grandpa so you cease to exist, but because you don¡¯t exist, your grandpa doesn¡¯t ever get killed in the past, therefore you exist and can do such, and on and on. A paradox. But it doesn¡¯t work that way. It only does if you¡¯re looking at it from an outsider''s perspective. You, yourself would just move through space and time, and that¡¯s your eternal set point. The past and future don''t exist. It''s just a place in space that''s gone or yet to be found. So by traveling to the past, all you''re doing is moving towards another set present. You kill your grandpa, and nothing happens. That¡¯s the correct answer. All you¡¯re doing is changing a different present with potential future outcomes, they don¡¯t affect yours since you are currently already present.¡± ¡°Yo, like I understand you and all, but what the fuck are you talking about?¡± Andrew laughs. "So you''re saying time traveling is just alternate universe hopping?" Grace asks. "Everything that has and will happen already did. There is only one timeline. You''re thinking as if you''re the audience." --- ¡°Do you want to get on the Ferris Wheel?¡± Emily asks Cody. She half expects him to say no, but he nods and starts to walk over there. Emily tells her friends that she¡¯ll be back but only Grace and Andrew pay attention. Andrew pouts but he knows he can¡¯t win this battle right away. That''s okay though, he''ll have Emily later in the night and tomorrow too. The sun has set a bit so the line to the ride dwindled. They don''t have to wait as long. ¡°You''ve been in a surprisingly good mood. I thought you wouldn''t come,¡± she says to him as they move along the line. ¡°I came so Andrew doesn''t put you in danger again. We shouldn''t hang around him anymore. He went too far. ¡± ¡°I''m going out with him tonight. Have anything to say about that?" ¡°I''m telling you it''s not a good idea, but you were right. That''s what I get for pushing you away." This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source. Emily smiles, "Relax, Cody. I just don''t want any mind games." They take their seats across from each other and slowly rise up in the air one car at a time. Emily stares at his milky eyes, eyes that seem impossible to exist. Everyone always tells her that his eyes make them feel like they¡¯re always watching, observing, and protecting. They¡¯re always too intense for anyone to handle so people start to become obsessed. Yet to Emily, the way they look at her, they¡¯re so calm, so tranquil and so warm. Emily thinks about the promise they made as young kids. The one where they¡¯ll marry each other when they turn 21. She wonders if she¡¯s ever made him feel as jealous as he¡¯s made her. She wonders if their decision to be single until that time has been a mistake. She¡¯ll be turning 18 this coming February, with him joining a month later. After that, they¡¯ll graduate high school and finally start to date. Three years later, they¡¯ll marry and live out their lives that were destined since the moment they met when they were four. This is what made her believe in fate. This is the fairytale life she''s been living; a perfect and romantic destiny. ¡°I heard you¡¯re going to see your mom during Winter Break.¡± ¡°You know about that?¡± Cody nods, ¡°Jerrica.¡± ¡°That''s what I wanted to talk about. It''s why we''re here. I haven¡¯t even told my dad yet.¡± Cody gets up from his seat to sit next to the girl he loves, all just to hold her hand. "You think he can''t handle it if you decide to stay?" "So she told you about that too, huh?" ¡°I think you''ll fit right in over there.¡± ¡°Please,¡± Emily scoffs it off but knows it¡¯s true. ¡°It¡¯s okay if you do stay. I already thought it over. I¡¯ll just head over to New York as soon as I graduate. I¡¯ll get a job and start selling my songs. It¡¯ll work out. I''ll hold on to my end of our promise. ¡± Emily burst out in a short laugh, ¡°I hope it¡¯s that simple.¡± ¡°No, it really is.¡± Emily thinks of her very first memory of Cody. Jerrica and Ems were playing on their front lawn when a little boy fell down from his bike in front of them. Cody¡¯s brother was teaching him how to ride a bike and had let go when Cody didn¡¯t know how to stabilize himself yet. This is both of their first memory of each other, how they looked at each other in the eyes at that moment. Cody didn¡¯t cry, he just got himself up as his brother frantically tried to see if he was okay. Cody and Emily have been with each other since they were born, but this was the first time they remember their very first words to each other. ¡°You have a cool shirt,¡± he said. ¡°Thanks! It¡¯s my favorite.¡± Emily thinks of the night Cody gave her the red and black bandana she used to wear all the time. Cody now wears it around his ankle after Emily tossed it back at him. She''s had it ever since she recovered from her coma. They used it as a charm the night they made their promise. The two spent it with each other on top of the treehouse. Emily can still see the same night sky from back then. She can still feel the burning sensation she felt that night, one that she calls the purest form of love. Emily remembers everything from that night. It was perfect. She looks over to the sea. The sunset is reflected by the water making a complex of colors that glimmer the world. The heavy clouds in the sky darken the complex hues of red and orange. Lately, and like always, a storm is approaching. Cody looks over to the same sky. He says, ¡°Sad is honest.¡± ¡°Hmm?¡± ¡°Sad is honest, don¡¯t you think?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± Emily whispers. ¡°It¡¯s gonna rain, we should head out soon.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± Cody stares at her small red lips curled into a slight frown. It¡¯s a bitter feeling, a stabbing one in his heart. The situation they found themselves in the past week was the final straw for Cody. Andrew is a danger to anyone who is near him. Cody thinks they should stop entertaining him but can''t exactly convince everyone. Sara is his sister and Emily currently has a fling with him. So when he heard Emily''s mother wanted her to visit so she could be convinced to move, he was all for it. She''ll be safe from Andrew, and she''ll be safe from Cody. It''ll also give him time to fix what''s broken inside him. -- ¡°You guys kiss and make up?¡± ¡°Mind your business, Andrew.¡± ¡°You ready then, love? Rave starts an hour and I don¡¯t want to be late.¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t you still wet?¡± ¡°Which is why we gotta stop by mine¡¯s. Grab a change of clothes, and then party, sound good?" ¡°I guess, where¡¯s Sara?¡± ¡°Went to buy a drink. Cody-kin, wait for her and drive everyone back, yeah?¡± Andrew tosses his car keys to Cody. ¡°Sure," Cody catches the keys that were thrown slightly too high. - ¡°You¡¯re gonna wet my seat!¡± Emily yells when Andrew snatches her keys out of her hands right before they get to her car. ¡°I¡¯m not that wet, it¡¯s been about an hour.¡± ¡°You wet dog!¡± Emily sighs. The first raindrop falls as soon as they enter the car. Emily doesn¡¯t mind Andrew driving, she isn¡¯t comfortable driving downtown like he is. Traffic downtown tonight is bad and they somehow manage to catch every red light back to the freeway. ¡°I¡¯m surprised you haven¡¯t said anything about Cody.¡± Andrew shrugs, ¡°Don¡¯t need to, I have you all to myself tonight, after all,¡± he winks. Emily giggles, ¡°Nothing ever does get to you, huh?¡± ¡°It¡¯s what I do, love.¡± Emily catches herself smiling. There¡¯s something in Andrew¡¯s confidence in everything that makes him so attractive. Whenever they¡¯re together, Andrew is calmer and more collected than in public. As if Andrew is himself towards her. ¡°You really like me, don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°What gave that away? When we kissed? When we spent the past two weeks together?¡± ¡°You get one kiss tonight, you better make it special. Andrew grins. -- The rain starts to fall heavily. The remaining group finds cover as they wait for Sara to come back, but she never does. Cody gets worried and calls her but she never answers. Grace then tries and gets the same response. ¡°What store did she go to?¡± he asks. ¡°The 7-Eleven,¡± Grace answers. ¡°Gracie, stay with Chris, I¡¯ll go look for her.¡± Gracie watches as her crush runs into the heavy rain. -- The roads are heavy with puddles on the bridge that leads to Mercer Island, the interstate that takes them to Darkwood. Emily¡¯s phone vibrates with a few texts. She reads the ones from Cody first then immediately switches to the one Sara just sent. Emily drops her phone. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± Her brain doesn¡¯t register it at first. It takes a second but when it does, the panic hits. Emily¡¯s lungs shrink down and it becomes impossible to breathe. It worsens when Emily realizes Andrew has no idea how to calm her down. Cody isn¡¯t here to calm her down. Emily¡¯s hyperventilation freaks Andrew out. ¡°Emily, calm down!¡± Emily gasps for air as she remembers what the text said. Emily wasn¡¯t paying attention or maybe she did but didn''t prioritize it. The tight grip around her chest is squeezing every ounce of her lungs. Her mind starts a negative feedback loop of feeling worthless. That everything is her fault. She is selfish, careless, and a horrible human being. It''s happening all over again. Emily stops breathing. The roads are wet, They both can feel them from underneath them. The violent torrent of rain makes it impossible to see what''s in front of them. Andrew remembers something that his mother said. They were her last words: ¡°Death is always closer than your friends and things.¡± At that moment, he can feel time slow down as the car spins out of his control. His heart stops and finally experiences terror for the first time in a long while. Emily starts to scream. The car flips when it crashes into the concrete wall and Andrew¡¯s head clashes against the window. It almost causes him to black out as he jerks the steering wheel so the car doesn''t fall over the bridge. Andrew looks at Emily one more time. Time goes to a complete standstill as the two begin to float to the ceiling. Everything becomes silent to him. Emily¡¯s scream mutes and it looks like she¡¯s laughing instead. Andrew can only think of one thing. Damn, I really want to kiss her. The rain reflects off the window and it looks as if it¡¯s dancing off of Emily¡¯s freckled skin. The world stops. - Emily somehow manages to crawl out of the car and get out. She¡¯s quickly losing consciousness so she doesn¡¯t realize that the car is lying on it''s side. She falls flat to the ground through the broken window. Her lungs can breathe right before the car tilts down and falls on top of her, crushing her. -- Emily wakes up a week later with her hand held by Cody. She tries to remember what happened and recalls the crash. She remembers she caused it because she panicked over Sara¡¯s text. ¡°Where¡¯s Sara?¡± She starts hyperventilating again. ¡°Where¡¯s Sara?!¡± Cody is here this time and Emily calms down. ¡°Emily, you¡¯re okay.¡± Emily nods and calms down. ¡°What happened? Where¡¯s Sara? Is she safe?¡± Cody doesn¡¯t understand. How can she know about Sara? He quickly pieces it all together. Ems is the only person Sara would have told. It¡¯s the reason they crashed in the first place. He should have just talked to Andrew but he was just so fucking pissed that he was driving. He feels like he''ll lose himself again if he sees Andrew. Cody is too pissed off at the fact that he only escaped with minor injuries while Emily almost died. ¡°Ems, Sara is missing. Nobody has seen her since she disappeared on us at the pier. Andrew¡¯s been out looking for her the entire week.¡± Emily thinks about the last text Sara sent her. ¡°Thank you for being my friend these past three years. I just can¡¯t handle it anymore. I hate everything about myself. I hate everything about living. Please don¡¯t hate me, I love you.¡± She begins to break down. Emily was too late. - Andrew sits down on the side of a skyscraper in the middle of Seattle. He hasn¡¯t stopped looking for her. He¡¯s scraped every single corner and there hasn¡¯t been any sign of her. He¡¯s losing hope. He¡¯s losing the only family he has. Andrew thinks of a reason why Sara would disappear. Did he just misjudge how strong she was? Andrew remembered that Sara put a note along with the piece of gum she stuck on the wall the day she disappeared. That note is what he holds in his hand. He''s only read it once. Andrew refuses to believe it. It was nearly two weeks ago when they nearly spent the whole day together. All the signs were there. Why didn¡¯t he just fucking pay attention? She was so quiet and lost in thought. She was depressed and he just ignored it. He¡¯s such a fucking idiot. Andrew wants to cry but his ghosts don¡¯t allow him to. Why did he make her so scared of him for no reason at all? She should¡¯ve come out to him a long time ago. "I''m sorry," the note reads. A familiar car turns into the alleyway and stops in front of where Andrew is sitting. The passenger window rolls down during the time it takes Andrew to get up. "Lyle didn''t want to give you more of this shit but you lucked out," Acid pulls out a small clear vial with a dark blue liquid inside. "What changed?" Andrew asks after taking it. "Sessions. Said that I''ll go to the right hands." "Nah it''s just for this guy who studies shit like this. Yo, listen, can you give Lyle a word for me? I need help." "If it''s worth it." "It''s my sister. She''s gone missing. Thought I ask if he can take a look around." "I''ll pass it along," Acid rolls the window back up but pauses it to say, "The vial ain''t cheap, you''re in this shit for real now, dog." Andrew understands the price for asking Lyle for favors. He doesn''t care anymore. -- Grace hears the news that Emily has woken up and gets her mother to drive her to the hospital. She could barely hold herself together after hearing the good news. Her first friend almost died, Grace didn¡¯t know how to handle that. She can barely handle Sara''s disappearance. She finds Cody sitting alone in the lobby. ¡°Is she going to be okay? Have you talked to her?¡± she asks him. Cody looks up to Grace. His eyes pierce her soul. It doesn''t matter how much she gets used to his eyes, they¡¯re just too **** captivating. ¡°Yeah, she¡¯s fine. She¡¯s talking to her mom and dad now.¡± ¡°What did she say to you?¡± ¡°She asked about Sara. That¡¯s the only thing that she cared about really. Emily, she uh,¡± Cody pauses unsure how to tell Grace. ¡°Got a text from Sara right before the accident¡± ¡°A text?¡± Cody can¡¯t believe it either. ¡°Sara¡¯s dead.¡± ¡°What?!¡± Grace¡¯s heart shatters. -- Chris jiggles one of the last vials of Winter ever to exist. Andrew finally came through with it. With this, he''ll finally experience the drug that nearly started a revolution in the country half a decade ago. The drug that gave the ultimate high. The drug that made people better understand themselves. The drug that opens up a person. The drug that can help him understand what it all means. Chris chugs down the vials and unlocks his mind. His friends are all in this state of despair while he stands outside of it, looking in. He knows all of the issues they face yet cannot interfere. He cannot see the threads of where they''re heading. It perplexes him why there are only a few people whose threads he can see. If he could, maybe he could know how to interfere. It''s been bothering him why he could see my thread. It bothers him why it was pulling him to a different outcome. Chris sees his thread all the time. Any path he takes leads him to the same destination. He believes destiny does not exist. It''s only people with threads like his that have a determined fate. I was the first person who escaped the destiny he''d seen. And as of right now, his own thread becomes infinite. He is not an observer, for he is the writer, the actor, and the audience at the exact time. Chris knows he¡¯s insane but perhaps he never needed his sanity, to begin with. -- Cody is with Emily¡¯s father in her hospital room. He¡¯s grateful to Cody for staying with Emily for all this time and tells him he sees him as a son. It¡¯s meaningful, but it makes Cody feels like shit inside for ignoring Emily for the past few weeks. Utter shit. It¡¯s just how when they were ten and Emily was in a coma from her disease. Her sickness has left her with a frail and weak body. It''s been a long time since Emily showed symptoms/ The car crash should have killed her. Her survival is a miracle. Cody holds her hand, hoping for her to wake up again so they can talk a bit more. It¡¯s been hours. ¡°You know, Cody,¡± Ems¡¯ father says behind him. ¡°I know how much she loves you; I know you love her back. I¡¯ve watched you two grow up together and have been inseparable. I hate to separate you two.¡± ¡°What are you saying?¡± ¡°I convinced Emily to go with her mom to New York. She¡¯ll be leaving as soon as they release her from the hospital. I don¡¯t want to split you guys up but there isn¡¯t any other choice. Jasmine was right all along, this town is a poison. It¡¯s not a good place for her. Emily shouldn''t have stayed with me for my sake.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay. I get it.¡± Cody clenches his free fist. This is how things end. - And I¡¯m still dead; slowly forgotten by the sands of time. My friends are breaking down and there¡¯s nothing I can do to help them. There are a lot of things I regret. There''s much I wanted to go differently. Like Chris, I have become an observer. I understand that what I did was a mistake. I can see where everything is heading now. Perhaps my hallucinations were real all along. I had a guardian angel all along. - Grace writes down the latest piece of information she''s learned in her journal. She''s been writing everything she was given as a way to distract herself. She refuses to believe Sara is dead and doesn''t even want to think about it. Instead, she tries to piece together everything that happened last summer so it makes sense to her. The latest thing she learned has also given her the most to work with. She thinks what she learned about my brother and what he gave me is the last piece of the puzzle. Gracie believes that all the stress and drama added up until I couldn''t handle it anymore. From me realizing all of my friends were snakes in the grass, to the jealousy towards Emily, the mind games with Cody, and cheating on him with Andrew. It grew to just be too much. I could no longer wear the crown of Queen. And when the greatest high couldn''t make it all better, death became the best option. It''s better that she''s leaving it as that. It''s better if she doesn''t dig further. 15. Cody III: Stay, just a little longer Cody III ¡°Will you be okay?¡± She asked me as if I shouldn¡¯t be the one asking her. They¡¯d cut her hair and now Emily looks like a completely different person. Once she was a redhead who wore a fluffy blanket of hair. Now it sits straight down ending at her shoulders, something I haven¡¯t seen since the day I met her. ¡°I used to think the rumors of this town being cursed were nothing but a spooky joke. Doesn''t feel like a joke now. You get to escape alive, that¡¯s good enough for me.¡± Emily wore a frown disguised as a smile. I regretted saying those words immediately after saying them. I¡¯ve forgotten everything that¡¯s been going on. ¡°Yeah,¡± she says somberly. ¡°One day you¡¯ll do too.¡± The hospital was eerily quiet. I¡¯ve never liked them. I like them even less now. Emily got lost in thought. I couldn¡¯t find the right words to say. Everything I thought felt so awkward. She stared at her hands which were still bruised. Emily only suffered a few broken bones, mainly in her ribs, and a collapsed lung. Despite that, she was still in critical condition for the longest time. She shouldn''t be here. ¡°I guess I should have listened to you. Andrew does nothing but ruin everything.¡± ¡°No, I should''ve treated you better. I was being a headfuck for no reason. I just liked the attention. I¡¯m the one who should be sorry.¡± For the first time that day, I think Emily gave me a genuine smile. ¡°I guess we¡¯re both pretty shit people, huh?¡± ¡°Yeah, I guess,¡± we both chuckled. ¡°It¡¯s going to be weird separated like this. I¡¯m not sure how I feel about it,¡± Emily said with a frown now. ¡°I¡¯ve been thinking,¡± she paused. ¡°Yeah?¡± ¡°Did you mean it? Back in the Ferris Wheel, when you said you¡¯ll come for me in New York?¡± ¡°Of course.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t,¡± a single word stopped my heart. ¡°It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t want you to. I just think you shouldn¡¯t. Not that soon.¡± Emily closes her eyes and retracts herself deeper into her bed. ¡°What do you mean?¡± I almost stood from the chair I¡¯d been sitting in. Ems extended her right hand and I took hold of it. ¡°I''ve been thinking about it a lot. I''ve been thinking why.¡± ¡°Emily¡­¡± ¡°I need a break. I need a break from us, from you. I want to figure out who I am. I want to be lost, I want to be scared. I can¡¯t do that if we act as we¡¯ve always been. I think we''ll just end up resenting each other if we don''t stop and take a break. You''re broken, Cody. I''m not yours to play with whenever you want. You have to fix that.¡± There it is. It''s the consequence of my ego. ¡°You¡¯re not saying anything,¡± Emily pointed out. ¡°I¡­I can¡¯t,¡± I said weakly, in a tone I never thought I had in me. Emily smiled again and let my hand go. ¡°Give me your thoughts.¡± ¡°What do you want me to say?¡± I said again in that pathetic tone. ¡°No? That it''ll always be me and you? That I can make it work, that I¡¯m ready to be us now, that I love you? That I''m sorry?¡± ¡°It¡¯s-¡± ¡°This is bullshit!¡± ¡°Let me speak?¡± Emily placed her index finger over her mouth, shushing me. ¡°It¡¯s not fair, yeah. But you¡¯re not fair either. I realized that you only love me when you¡¯re bored. You only love me when you¡¯re jealous. And it only worked because I wanted you so bad that I couldn¡¯t breathe. I just wanted to make you smile, to hold you down, kiss you softly, live inside your lungs and feel everything of you from the inside, Cody.¡± Emily¡¯s tears started to overtake her eyes. I could feel my own start to swell up. ¡°But it was always a game to you, wasn¡¯t it? You¡¯ve always had me, I¡¯ve always had you. I don¡¯t know how to be away from you, and neither do you. Well, I want to hurt you how you hurt me. I want you to tell me how bad it hurts, I want it to eat at you how it ate at me. I want you to hate me, to despise me for doing this to you. I want you to cry, to squirm, and have all that pain crawl into your skin like poison. Then when it starts to hurt less and less, I hope a sun starts to shine through the darkness. I want you to become a better person, a good one. I want my Cody." I couldn¡¯t see how much Emily was crying. I heard her, it was plenty. I just watched my own waterfall slamming on the porcelain white floor. I didn¡¯t say anything, I couldn¡¯t. I never expected this, who could? When Emily calmed down, she said, ¡°Hold up your head, speak to me. Yell at me.¡± ¡°No,¡± I wiped away the last of my pitiful tears. ¡°I¡¯m leaving then. If there¡¯s nothing else then there¡¯s no point in all of this.¡± This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. "Take care of Gracie for me. Don''t let this town consume her." ¡°Fine.¡± ¡°Just don¡¯t hurt her.¡± Those were the last words Emily said to me. - Now it¡¯s weeks later. November 2nd. The night before the anniversary of when Emily beat her sickness Something Emily and I did together was to sit in the treehouse and wait for the midnight strike so we could celebrate. We haven¡¯t missed a year since. Even now, I still refuse to miss it. It¡¯s still difficult to breathe. It feels like my lungs are constantly full of water and only so much air can come in. I felt the same way when I thought Emily died in the car crash. I felt the same way when Emily was dying when we were little. It felt the same as when I discovered Elizabeth''s bag of blue powder. ¡°You¡¯re spacing out again,¡± Chris snaps me out of it. I watch him light a small bowl and hand it over to Gracie who coughs up a storm after smoking it. It¡¯s just been the three of us since Emily left. I started to show up to school again just to hang around Grace like Emily wanted me to. She sticks to me like a lion cub and I¡¯m not particularly fond of it. Grace is a fish out of the water, naive and restless to be friends. She comes up to me between every period to walk me to my class, sits next to me during lunch and our class, and walks together to her house before mine. It¡¯s a leash that somehow feels is stripping me of my freedom but I remember what it is, so I keep in mind to lay eggshells to remember to be careful. ¡°Did you get contacts?¡± I ask her, noticing her cartoonishly thick glasses are gone.¡± ¡°Yeah!¡± She says proudly. Literally yesterday.¡± I always thought Grace looked kind of goofy by how big her glasses made her eyes look. Even without them, they''re large. ¡°Like them?¡± ¡°You¡¯re less of a dork now,¡± Chris snickers. ¡°Uh, thanks.¡± ¡°Maybe you¡¯ll make friends that aren¡¯t us now,¡± I say. ¡°No,¡± Grace pouts, ¡°I¡¯m just fine with you two. I¡¯m one of the cool kids now. Even Megan and her friends don¡¯t fuck with me anymore.¡± ¡°You cursed,¡± Chris points out but I don¡¯t find it weird. ¡°What¡¯ll you do after Chris and I graduate in a few months?¡± ¡°By then everyone will want to be my friend,¡± She pumps up her fist like a kid. I scoff then chuckle, ¡°Not if you keep acting like that, you won¡¯t.¡± ¡°S-shut up!¡± Grace truly doesn¡¯t have anyone else. Emily and Sara were teaching her how to be a normal girl. I can¡¯t do that for her. The best I and do is teach myself how to stop being weird. Grace¡¯s mother works odd hours and her father¡¯s dead. She has no role model. She¡¯s been alone her entire life and as soon as she gets a grasp of a normal life, Sara dies and Emily leaves for New York. Sara, fuck. I didn¡¯t mean to think about her. ¡°At least Sara was funny when she made fun of me,¡± Gracie says as she knows what I was thinking about. ¡°Sara¡¯s dead,¡± Chris bluntly says. ¡°You don¡¯t know that!¡± We don¡¯t, but nobody has found her. They found her shoes and phone lying on the ground near one of the pier''s edges. They think the waves carried her body somewhere during the storm. Everyone save for Grace and Andrew thinks she¡¯s dead, otherwise, the final text she sent to Emily wouldn¡¯t make sense. The thought of Sara leaves a sour taste in my mouth and fills my lungs with even more water. She¡¯s another victim of Darkwood. Someone else dear to me who died. Someone else I couldn¡¯t save. I couldn¡¯t save her. ¡°Do you think Andrew will ever come back to school?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll kill him when he does,¡± I¡¯ve no idea what he¡¯s been up to, but I don¡¯t care. He crashed the car, he almost killed Emily. He tried to steal her away from me, he took Elizabeth away. I can¡¯t ever forgive the motherfucker. There isn¡¯t anything good he¡¯s ever done for the world. Nothing good comes from him. I should have stopped talking to him long ago. Everything that happened is his fault. ¡°Don¡¯t tell me you miss him." Chris says to Gracie. ¡°No. Well, maybe. I don¡¯t know. He¡¯s an asshole and always makes fun of me, but at least it felt like he cared about me. Like tough love.¡± ¡°He doesn¡¯t give a shit about anyone," I remind her. ¡°Except for Sara,¡± Chris adds. ¡°Why were you guys friends with him then?¡± ¡°Fuck if I know,¡± I grab the bowl from Grace. "He wasn''t crazy before." ¡°Well, I¡¯m glad you two are around. It would suck to be by myself again like at the beginning of the school year. I¡¯m just glad Emily took pity on me and introduced me to you all.¡± ¡°You know it was pity?¡± ¡°Duh, I¡¯m not stupid.¡± Chris laughs, ¡°Maybe it wasn¡¯t just pity, but fate that guided you to us.¡± ¡°Dude, Chris, you say the oddest shit.¡± ¡°The hands of fate that bound us all.¡± ¡°Is he ever normal?¡± Gracie asks me. ¡°You get used to it,¡± I chuckle. It took me a while too. Chris is normal, just too deep in thought to ever act like it. He¡¯s this prodigy who just wants to stay out of the spotlight. I know his talent is limitless but I never understood why he never uses it or rather hides it. Every time I ever asked, all he did was give me a riddle of some sort. Like it isn¡¯t his place. All it feels like is that he¡¯s afraid. He never talks about it, but I always felt like he could see the future. ¡°Oh, it¡¯s a minute before midnight,¡± Graces notes. I look over at her phone¡¯s lock screen. It¡¯s of the three girls together. ¡°So what happens at midnight? You still haven¡¯t told me what we¡¯re doing here.¡± At that moment, Grace gets a text. A text from Emily. ¡°Nothing special, I just wanted to be here.¡± I watch as Grace responds. I want to text Emily. I want to see how she¡¯s doing. I wonder if she¡¯s hurting just as much as I am. Every text message I receive makes me so anxious thinking it¡¯s from her; hoping it''s from her. It never is. I say nothing ever good has come from Andrew, but can I say the same for myself? I make myself sick. I¡¯m numb. I can¡¯t feel anything. I¡¯m not even angry anymore. The more and more I ponder the more I wonder if anything I touch stays in good condition. I¡¯m left with this task that I never asked for. How am I supposed to look after Grace? If Emily knows how I am, why did she entrust me with her? Why would she trust me with this when I can¡¯t even trust myself? I can¡¯t do this. 16. Andrew III: Behemoth Andrew III ¡°Death is closer than your friends and things,¡± those were the last words my mother ever said to me. It¡¯s that ghost that claws the back of my neck, inch by inch, day by day. - The second dead body I laid my eyes on was Joel. We weren¡¯t close but was the town¡¯s drug dealer before me. I met him when I was 11 and always let me smoke weed with him. I thought he was the coolest guy ever and I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to be a part of everything he did. He died when I was fourteen, killed by some junkie in a drug deal gone wrong right in front of me. That¡¯s how I got introduced to Lyle. He came to Darkwood after learning what happened just to come to talk to me. All he wanted to know was who did it. Lyle recognized the guy from how I described him. I didn¡¯t know who Lyle was, I didn¡¯t care. I knew he could give me what I wanted, so I asked him if I could tag along. He just stared at me eyes and smirked. Lyle and Acid took me to the junkie¡¯s house and I watched as Acid subdued the guy and tied him to a chair. Acid chopped one of the guy¡¯s fingers off with a bolt cutter. It shocked me. It excited me. Lyle turned to me and asked, ¡°Do you want to leave?¡± ¡°No, I told him. He just laughed and told Acid to chop off the toes next. I can still hear the scream and see the blood. Lyle walked up to him and grabbed him by his hair, ¡°Sorry, but I have to put on a show for the kid." The man screamed and begged for Acid to stop. No one listened. Lyle went on a long monologue then. ¡°Men are not born good or evil. Men are cultivated to one side or the other through their experience of being alive. Their pain chips away at one¡¯s soul and through time the soul starts to repair itself. One such soul could see the absurdity of life as a neverending struggle and then start to resent it. Another may find beauty in such pain, in how it can make someone feel so alive. The path you chose in your life, Claud, made you resentful. Your soul is lost, full of hate and it drives you to hurt others in your selfish desire. The pain you feel now is the manifestation of the pain you hid from your entire life, is it not? I want you to remember this pain for the next few minutes while you contemplate all of the mistakes you have made,¡± then Lyle grabbed the man¡¯s tongue. The scream screeched ears. ¡°You are not beauty.¡± Acid cut the man¡¯s tongue off and then kicked his chest, knocking him down to the bloody floor. This was the third body I¡¯d seen. - Lyle is tall and skinny, pale like a ghost, and has menacing glacier eyes that can freeze you just by looking at them. He keeps his hair short and in a fade. His face is defined and sharp, his jaw being strong. I''ve never seen him dressed with anything that didn''t build a suit. I¡¯ve never met a man with an aura so intense that it had actual pressure. He¡¯s the person I¡¯ve asked to help me look for Sara. He has the resources and connections around the state to find her. If she ran away, he¡¯ll find her. If she was kidnapped, he¡¯ll find her. I refuse to believe that she¡¯s gone. She has to be stronger than our mom. She has to. She came out to me, she smiled, she laughed. She was happy. I don¡¯t understand what happened. I thought I was enough to keep her happy. Fuck. I don¡¯t give a fuck if they found her shoes. I don¡¯t give a fuck if they found her phone. Sara isn¡¯t dead. She didn¡¯t jump off the fucking pier and drowned. I don¡¯t give a fuck if she sent that text to Emily. She didn''t kill herself. Someone took my Sara and I won¡¯t stop until I find the motherfucker and kill him. But there''s so much I can do as I started to work for Lyle full-time. Maybe I¡¯ll find her inside one of the random junkie¡¯s houses. That¡¯s all I¡¯m good for anyway. I don¡¯t need school, I don¡¯t need friends. The only good things in my life were ripped away from me. Sara¡¯s gone, and Emily blocked me on everything. Looking back at it now, have I ever done anything good? I always did what I wanted and I still do. I¡¯m a fucking piece of shit but that¡¯s always has been me. So why the fuck am I having these pussy ass negative thoughts. This isn¡¯t me. I¡¯m better than that. If the world wants to reject me then I¡¯ll just have rejected it back. Fuck it. I don¡¯t care anymore. - My first deal of the day is at Alyssa Ibarra¡¯s house. The fucking enigma. ¡°You do coke now?¡± I ask her when she opens the front door to her house. ¡°So you¡¯re still alive? Everyone thinks you dropped out, that true?¡± ¡°The fuck does that matter? Hand over the money.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t actually want drugs, Andrew. I just want to see you.¡± ¡°The fuck you care?" Alyssa crosses her arms. ¡°I¡¯m just checking up on you. No one else wants to.¡± I laugh, ¡°You inviting me in? I''m good for a quick fuck.¡± Alyssa giggles, ¡°No, no, you lost your chance at that.¡± If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement. ¡°If I recall you pushed me away, want to redact that now?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not talking about that night, Andrew,¡± she smiles but for reason, it¡¯s so infectious. ¡°I guess you were too high to even remember.¡± She¡¯s right. I don¡¯t remember. ¡°So you ain''t buying and you ain''t fucking me, what the do you want then?¡± ¡°I just told you,¡± she leans on her door frame. ¡°Any luck on Sara? I know you¡¯re still looking. I hope you find her, I really liked her.¡± ¡°Weirdo. I¡¯m leaving then. Thanks for wasting my time.¡± Alyssa smiles again, ¡°Bye.¡± Whatever. I finish my rounds as I drive down to Seattle to meet with Lyle. ¡°Y¡¯know what you have you do,¡± Lyle tells me when he stops by one of the run-down houses in Roxhill. We¡¯re collecting debt again but I¡¯m doing it with Lyle this time. It¡¯ll be my first time with him. As I stare into the small little house it reminds me of my own back in Darkwood. A little Mexican kid is playing outside by himself. When I get out of the car he stares at me and I ignore him as I walk up to the front door. ¡°Jes?¡± a chubby Mexican woman answers the door. ¡°I¡¯m here to collect,¡± I tell her. I hate doing this, but I have to. It''s part of my initiation. ¡°Oh, jes jes. Un moment plis,¡± the woman says with a smile as she turns around to go back inside the house. She comes back a minute later with a white envelope. ¡°It¡¯s last paymint, jes?¡± I take the money out of the envelope and count it. Lyle told me the amount she should give me, and it¡¯s all there. This lady isn¡¯t like everyone else who thinks they can be late. ¡°Yeah, It¡¯s the last. Goodbye,¡± I tell her as I walk back to the car. ¡°That went well,¡± he says as I hand him the money. ¡°Next one, probably not so much,¡± he chuckles. ¡°By the way, who¡¯s that kid who always wears the green parka? He''s the one you gave the vial to, right?"¡± ¡°Who? Chris? What about him?¡± ¡°I¡¯d like to meet him. Acid said you told him he does research?¡± ¡°Yeah sure, but the dude¡¯s a fucking autist; always says the weirdest shit.¡± ¡°I¡¯m used to weird.¡± He takes me to the western side of Beacon Hill, near the Jungle. Fuck. I''ve been dreading this one. I hope it goes the way I hope. The house we stop in front of is even smaller than the previous one. I get out and there is barely any noise outside. It¡¯s eerie and I don¡¯t like it. The whole thing is fucked. I knock on the badly damaged door, but no one answers. So I knock again, harder, but no one answers. I sigh and scan the area to see if anyone is around. I catch Lyle smirking. I take a step back and kick the door as hard as I can. It falls quite easily and I go inside the shitty house. I¡¯m immediately blown back by the rancid smell and pungent taste that fills my mouth. I take off my hooded sweatshirt and wrap it around my nose and mouth as fast as I can. God, It smells like rotting corpses. I travel down the house and make sure not to touch anything in case there is something dead here and I¡¯m left leaving my prints. Everything inside the house is a mess, it¡¯s dirtier than mine. There¡¯s vomit and weird stains everywhere, even on the walls. Who the fuck can live like this? I kick down a door where I assume the master bedroom is. Right, only junkies can live like this. He stares at me and doesn¡¯t say anything. ¡°I¡¯m here to collect.¡± The junkie lays on his bed and rests his head on the headboard. His needle is beside him and there¡¯s a bunch of bottles around. The junkie shakes his head and tells me he doesn''t have anything. Then he sighs and closes his eyes. It reminds me that there¡¯s so much more to this world than what we did in Darkwood. There are people like this, people who are so gone and fucked up that this is their reality. People just like Elizabeth. I sigh and take out the gun Lyle has given me. As I point it to the addict. He stares at me with dead eyes. I¡¯ve always known this day would come. It¡¯s the fate of everyone who decides to work with Lyle. This is who I wanted to be, this is who I¡¯ll become. Fuck this world, I hate it. This guy doesn¡¯t fucking care, so why should I? I sigh one more time, ¡°Bitch,¡± and pull the trigger. I don¡¯t feel a thing. I thought I was going to feel something, but no. There is nothing but silence and an emptiness that surrounds me. I just killed someone and I don¡¯t feel anything. The rest of the pickups go better. Lyle drops me off where I parked. ¡°You did well today, Kid.¡± I watch him drive off and look at my hands. I didn¡¯t touch a thing inside the house, I should be good. There isn¡¯t a way for anyone to trace it back to me. Nobody even knows I have a gun, and I make sure I wipe it clean and hide it where it¡¯ll be hard to find. The person who died was a nobody, he shouldn¡¯t be missed. I should be safe. I don''t remember how I got home. I don''t remember driving. I find my dad passed out from drinking again. The bathroom window stares back at me and it¡¯s smug. What the fuck is even going on even more? Sara¡¯s dead, I¡¯m delusional to think otherwise. Emily¡¯s gone and fucking hates me now. Everyone fucking hates me. I just killed a guy. My dad doesn¡¯t fucking care. I don¡¯t fucking care. Nobody fucking cares about me. What the fuck are you doing to yourself, Andrew? You were never like this. You used to care about being successful and using everything you know to better the world. You wanted to explore medicine and be the first person to figure out how to cure people with Mom''s sickness. That was your goal. Now, look at you. All you care about is getting by. You like to hurt others and like to fight. You fuck anything that moves because it''s better to not think about how the shit person you are. You don''t hate the world. You hate yourself. Mom would be fucking disappointed. Sara was fucking disappointed. It¡¯s why she fucking killed herself. She can¡¯t fucking stand being in a fucked up home anymore. She can¡¯t stand being around you anymore you fucking pathetic piece of shit. When Joel died, that was your fault. You could have warned him. you saw it coming. Don''t fucking lie to yourself when you tell yourself you didn¡¯t. When Elizabeth died, that was your fault. She relied on you so much for the fucking drugs and you took advantage of that. You thought it would be funny and wondered how it felt to steal someone¡¯s girl. Do you think she was telling you the truth when she told you she was pregnant? She fucking killed herself because of you. You introduced her to Lyle. You let Lyle take control of who you are. You let Lyle own you. Don''t you think it''s time to admit what you''ve been thinking? When Mom died. THAT WAS YOUR FAULT. You could¡¯ve been a better son. You could¡¯ve picked up on the subtle clues she left behind and helped her. You could¡¯ve told dad. You could have told her you loved her. You could have made a million memories and now it¡¯s all just wasted breath. But no, you hated her because of how she treated you. You hated her because she didn¡¯t see you as her son. After all, she would yell at you and hit you. You couldn¡¯t see the pain past her actions. That¡¯s why you let her die. You are garbage. You have nothing good to offer the world anymore. Just go fucking die already. Nobody needs you anymore. You haven''t been innocent for a long time now. But there is someone who is. I call Sara. She doesn¡¯t answer. I call Sara again, but no one answers. I sigh and lay down on my bed. So I text her. I call Emily, but she has me blocked. I haven¡¯t seen or heard of Emily since the moment she was rushed to the hospital. I heard she moved to New York City with her sister and mom. It¡¯s for the better I think. I don¡¯t deserve to be happy anymore. But still, the time I spent with her was the happiest I have ever been in a while. I want that again. But fuck that shit. I¡¯m not some bitch motherfucker who¡¯s gonna start being sad over dumb shit like people and my own emotions. It¡¯s not who I am. So fucking what I have to do shit for Lyle and that I don¡¯t have any friends anymore. I¡¯m the motherfucking greatest and the world will soon see that. I¡¯m unstoppable and the world will recognize that. Because I¡¯m motherfucking Andrew Mera. But today I killed someone and I didn¡¯t feel anything. 17. Chris III: Howling 404 Chris III Would you believe me if I told you this day would come? That I felt the universe pull me towards this direction? I¡¯ve always known, just never when. But it¡¯s here now. Every day has been leading up to this. There¡¯s no word or phrase to describe it but it¡¯s been driving me mad. Why here? Today is the day I meet Lyle. The Ghost. The boogeyman. I walk beside Andrew, Lyle, and four other people in a long hallway at an industrial warehouse just outside of Seattle. I have no idea why I¡¯m here or what Lyle wants with me but I do know he wants to use me just as he uses Andrew. This is where I''m supposed to be. Lyle is a scary man but his words have charm. I can see how he so easily can influence everyone around him. Everyone respects him. Out of the group of four bodyguards, Lyle himself is the most intimidating. There''s only one taller than him. A built black man named Acid. He''s the one who picked me up. I wasn''t given much of a choice. I wasn''t told why I was meeting Lyle either. The room we enter is large and filled with tables being used for chemistry. I immediately know what I¡¯m doing here now. I watch as all the chemists turn their attention to us. They''re all women but that¡¯s not what I pay attention to. At a desk near the far back of the lab sits the woman with white hair. She¡¯s staring at me. It¡¯s the same. The drum beat in my heart begins again. It starts to suffocate me again. Do you know who she is? Why is her presence so strong? Lyle is in the middle of explaining what I¡¯m doing here, but none of that matters. I don''t pay attention. I point to the angel woman and ask, ¡°Who is she?¡± ¡°Uh? Sorry?¡± ¡°To the woman with the white hair, who is she?¡± Lyle laughs and signals the woman to come towards us. As she does, it becomes clear she¡¯s not a woman, but a young girl, barely any older than us. Everything about her is white. She is so pale, paler than Lyle as if she¡¯s made of porcelain. Her irises are a slightly darker shade of white than her eyeballs. The only color they have is her pupils, a void black. They''re not round but more oval. She has her perfectly white hair in a ponytail with bangs that cover her forehead. I spot a small scar in the middle of her forehead through the smallest opening. She¡¯s quite literally a ghost. Her existence should be impossible. This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. ¡°This is Sessions, why the interest?¡± I heard that name before. It''s an urban legend. Session is just a myth about a ghost from the time when Winter was plentiful. Sessions is who you call if you ever need it. Her eyes do not waver from mine. The intimidation that Lyle possesses disappears, overtaken by the presence of this girl. It¡¯s not malice, not even pressure. It¡¯s the pull of the universe again. I was meant to meet her. ¡°Why is she here?¡± ¡°I¡¯m giving you the offer of a lifetime and this is what you focus on? Man, Andrew, you weren¡¯t kidding when you said he¡¯s weird.¡± She doesn¡¯t say anything either. Her eyes dart to Lyle and she smiles. ¡°Sessions is my partner, my right-hand girl. Seems you have a good eye or sense or whatever. She can''t talk so don¡¯t freak out. Sesh, want to introduce yourself?¡± She signs, ¡°It¡¯s a pleasure to finally meet you. I¡¯ve been waiting. My name is Marina Lightyear, thanks for coming.¡± ¡°Through your phone dummy, no one here knows what you''re saying.¡± Why did she bother? Did she know that I know ASL? How? Is that why she gave me her name? What does she mean? She¡¯s been waiting? This is all too much for me. She''s who I''ve been being pulled towards. Does she know that too? What do you think? Are you just as confused as I am? You, the observer, do you know who Marina is? She shouldn¡¯t exist. The universe tells me this, it''s why it¡¯s been pulling us together. But why? ¡°Don¡¯t think about it too much,¡± she signs. Can she read my mind? Is she an observer just like you? I turn to Lyle, ¡°I¡¯ll do it. I¡¯ll perfect your Winter. I''ll make it pure.¡± Lyle laughs, ¡°Looks like you have someone crushing on you, Sesh.¡± Marina finally pulls out her phone and writes down, ¡°It¡¯s nice to meet you,¡± on the notepad app. - I ask Andrew, ¡°What do you know about her?¡± on the way back home. He laughs, ¡°Don¡¯t tell me you actually want to hit that. Don¡¯t get me wrong, she¡¯s fine as hell but she¡¯s a freak mute.¡± Andrew pauses. ¡°Hmm, maybe you two are perfect for each other.¡± ¡°Answer the question.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know anything about her. She¡¯s like the co-boss. When Lyle isn¡¯t around she runs the show. She¡¯s nice enough I guess, more chill than Lyle.¡± She¡¯s been looking for me. ¡°You should come back to school. Stop involving yourself with them.¡± ¡°Bit hypocritical after you just agreed to reverse engineer Winter for them. Besides, the fun¡¯s barely starting, no?¡± Making Winter isn¡¯t my intention. I know far too well how dangerous the drug can be. There¡¯s a reason why it¡¯s been nearly wiped from existence. Only fake knockoffs remain with very few real vials left. I''ve gone through the high. It''s not safe. No, what I want is to get close to Marina. She isn¡¯t human, like me. Everything about her screams at me. Or maybe it¡¯s screaming at me because it''s infatuation. I never had those feelings towards someone, I wouldn''t know. I have to learn more. For the first time in my life, I recognize the emotion of excitement. 18. Cody IV: Guard the Flame Cody IV I can feel the winds of fate shifting. I don¡¯t know how to explain it. This is something Chris would say. Everything feels so off lately and not because my world has been turned upside down. It just feels like there¡¯s an invisible blanket covering this town now. It¡¯s heavy and its pressure can be hard to move in. Maybe it''s because another person died yesterday. They say it was a drunk driving accident in the middle of the night. The gossip in this town is unrelenting. By daybreak, photos of the accident were shared all over. A car doesn¡¯t get that totaled if it wasn''t meant to. ¡°Does anybody know who it was?¡± Grace asks during lunch. It¡¯s just me and her today. Chris has been gone for a couple of days, so it''s just been us for this week. ¡°Nah, they haven¡¯t released that information yet.¡± Grace slams her head on her arms that are crossed on the table. ¡°Man, it''s so boring here. Where are all the parties, the hangouts? Don¡¯t you have any other people we can talk to?¡± ¡°I thought you were fine with just you and me.¡± ¡°I thought we would be doing cool shit,¡± Gracie groans. ¡°Let¡¯s do something after school.¡± I chuckle, ¡°Am I not good enough for you all of the sudden?¡± Grace jolts back up, ¡°No! No. I guess I just miss everyone.¡± ¡°There are parties and kickbacks every day, I just don¡¯t go to them.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°After a while, you start to realize they¡¯re kinda lame.¡± ¡°You¡¯re lame,¡± Grace retorts without missing a beat. ¡°Besides, I don¡¯t endorse underage drinking.¡± ¡°I¡¯m old enough, I''ve done it before.¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t you like five?¡± ¡°Fourteen!¡± ¡°You look five,¡± I say under my breath. I gotta say, talking to Grace is sort of fun. It took a while for her to stop being nervous around me but after she did it became much easier to talk to her. She even stopped staring at me all the time. I still catch her from time to time but it''s happening less often. It¡¯s also not that I haven¡¯t noticed, she¡¯s just too young. When I first saw her she looked like a middle schooler, she barely resembles someone who belongs now. Grace is a good person who I like to keep as a friend and I¡¯ll leave it as that. Besides, I think I¡¯m done with girls. I want Emily; only Emily. I still haven¡¯t received a text from her. I¡¯ve folded and already sent three. Grace follows behind me as I walk her home like the lion cub that she is. We don¡¯t speak, or at least I don¡¯t. She rambles about how she still doesn¡¯t have any other friends and doesn¡¯t know how to make one. She¡¯s a weird girl but I don¡¯t think that¡¯s what stops her from making friends. It¡¯s the fact that Elizabeth died in front of her that repels her. I¡¯ve heard the idle chatter in the hallways. They find her bad luck, especially now that Sara¡¯s dead and Emily¡¯s gone. Gracie can¡¯t escape the rumor that everyone around her ends up cursed. ¡°Dude, why are you taking me home, I said let¡¯s do something after school.¡± I sigh, ¡°Fine, follow me.¡± ¡°Wish you had a car too.¡± Tonight there¡¯s going to be a little kickback inside a campsite in the forest. It¡¯s where I first started talking to Elizabeth last summer. I haven¡¯t been there since. It¡¯s a pretty big place, large enough for at least 10 cars to be parked in a circle. Everyone builds a campfire in the middle and everyone hangs out around it. Today the only ones who showed are bits of Megan¡¯s friend group, specifically Carlos, Alyssa, and Connor. Well, I guess I shouldn¡¯t lump them with Megan anymore seeing they don¡¯t talk to each other now. There are a few other people I recognize, like Bo who likes to take a record of everything, and Isaac who used to hang out with us from time to time. Besides them are a couple of juniors and sophomores I don¡¯t recognize. ¡°Don¡¯t come here and not bring anything, Cody,¡± Carlos complains. ¡°Sorry, short notice.¡± I notice everyone¡¯s eyes on Grace. She isn¡¯t wanted here, much less invited. She stands behind me, holding my arm to hide. ¡°Who¡¯s this?¡± This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work. ¡°Grace, you know her. She¡¯s cool.¡± ¡°Oh, nice to meet you, I¡¯m Carlos.¡± ¡°H-hi.¡± Out of everyone here, I think Carlos is the only one who doesn¡¯t care what everyone says about Gracie. I¡¯ve always liked him. ¡°Want a beer?¡± ¡°S-sure.¡± We follow him to his truck where he tosses us some. ¡°Never thought I would see you come to these things again,¡± Alyssa says. ¡°Losing your mind staying home every night?¡± Everyone changed after Elizabeth died. I used never like Alyssa; always thought of her being another follower who used her for popularity. Now I think she just did it because it was easy. She never caused trouble and stayed out of everyone¡¯s way. After Ellie died, I think she got tired of how everyone was treating it as some way to get sympathy for themselves. ¡°Not really, the little one wanted to come, however.¡± Alyssa turns to Gracie who is in the middle of taking a sip. The attention stops her midway. ¡°Miss little talk of the school, I was wondering when I was going to meet you,¡± she says with a smile. ¡°Uh, hi.¡± Alyssa extends her hand which Grace accepts. ¡°Don¡¯t be scared, I¡¯m not a bitch like Megan and her friends. Or at least I try not to be. I don¡¯t really listen to baseless rumors anyways.¡± Come to think of it, I don¡¯t think Grace knows that everyone thinks she¡¯s cursed. ¡°Oh, uh yeah, thanks? I don¡¯t think Cody would bring me here if it wasn¡¯t safe.¡± ¡°Big brother Cody to the rescue, huh?¡± ¡°I can stand up for myself!¡± Carlos cheekily rubs the top of her head. ¡°Sure thing, kid.¡± I get a good buzz going after a while. I don¡¯t involve myself in conversations a lot. I never do, usually. I like to observe, to read people. After a while I guess I got so good at it that people think I can stare into their souls. I don¡¯t mean to, but it¡¯s a pretty fun thing to have people say. It makes me feel that I¡¯m better than I actually am. That I¡¯m different than everyone else. Emily of course knew all of this. She always knew that I liked the hold I had over people. I just thought she would be the only one who would stick through all of the bullshit. I guess I was wrong. Fuck, this hurts. It¡¯s hard holding it all in. I don¡¯t have anyone to talk to about it. I¡¯m alone. At least Grace is having a good time. She complains she doesn¡¯t have any friends but she found herself getting along pretty well with Carlos and Alyssa. Even Bo and Isaac join us at some point. For once she belongs. Maybe she is right, that I¡¯m lame. I barely go out anymore. I used to be like everyone else, always doing something. It doesn¡¯t matter if it is a school night, there¡¯s always something happening somewhere. At least this get-together is a mild one. Actual ragers would be too much for Grace to handle. I haven¡¯t heard one happening since Ellie¡¯s death. It¡¯s for the best, so much happens all at once that it¡¯s hard to be safe sometimes. That¡¯s my duty, right? I have to keep Gracie safe. ¡°Whatcha thinking about?¡± Grace asks me in a moment where we get to be alone. ¡°Nothing,¡± ¡°I don¡¯t believe that.¡± Gracie¡¯s smile is cute. It¡¯s innocent. It¡¯s pure. It reminds me of how Elizabeth would smile. The way Grace talks, the way she stands, how she walks, it¡¯s all so similar to how Elizabeth was in middle school. Ellie was such an awkward girl back then; a complete 180 of the person she later became. It would be cute if Grace could overcome her curse and become the Queen of the school, just like Elizabeth was. I miss her. I miss Emily. ¡°And you call me a weirdo,¡± Gracie snarks after I stay quiet with my thoughts. ¡°How can you guys drink beer, it''s so nasty.¡± ¡°You get used to it.¡± ¡°It¡¯s like barf.¡± ¡°You drunk?¡± ¡°Kind of, my vision¡¯s funny.¡± I chuckle, ¡°Feel part of the cool kids now? This everything you wanted?¡± ¡°It¡¯s alright. I just like hanging out with you more.¡± ¡°Keep it in your pants, Grace.¡± ¡°I-It¡¯s n-not like that!¡± Have I changed? If I did, what would the Cody of before do? He would take advantage of this. He¡¯d say something cryptid just to fuck with Grace¡¯s head and get her more intrigued with me. Grace would then spend most of her time trying to decipher it. I told Elizabeth she was a blue flower, more like morning glory. I told her she was stuck in the tall grass. It was these words that makes me a forest fire. There¡¯s no rhyme or reason. It¡¯s the power I had over her. ¡°I saw your face displayed upon a crescent moon.¡± I haven¡¯t changed. I can¡¯t change. I¡¯m a forest fire that burns everything around me. ¡°That waves up and down depending on how the petals bloom?¡± She answers. Yet it''s much more than an answer. ¡°I like that riddle. It¡¯s smart.¡± Grace. She¡¯s naive, innocent, and sweet. She¡¯s dumb in all the wrong ways but smart everywhere else. I don¡¯t get her. What does she see in me? What does anyone see in me? ¡°How¡¯d you figure that one out.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. It just came to me.¡± Grace is just like her. They share the same smile. Their eyes shine the same. I see the same light in Grace as I did with Elizabeth. If things had gone differently, I think they would have been great friends. I know they would have been best friends. In a world where I didn¡¯t play with Elizabeth¡¯s heart. In a world where her jealousy didn¡¯t consume her, the drugs didn¡¯t consume her. In a world where my Midas touch didn¡¯t destroy her. In that world, everyone would still be here. Nobody would have this scar, nobody would be haunted. Darkwood would still have its light. But that isn¡¯t the world I live in. I¡¯m not a hero. I¡¯m not the main character. I¡¯m the villain. I watch Grace as she integrates herself into other friend groups, finally getting to show who she is to the world. She proves she isn¡¯t a curse. Everyone wary of her eventually turns to like her. Some even invite her to other kickbacks. Grace isn¡¯t who she was a few months ago. She¡¯s changed. Unlike me. Grace can smile, she can laugh, she can see the light. I can¡¯t do any of that anymore. I¡¯m empty, just a husk. Everything that¡¯s been happening has been ripping everything away from me. I¡¯m not sure if I have anything left. I¡¯m not even sure I can smile anymore. I say everything but¡¯s just been me. It¡¯s always been me. I destroy everything around me. 19. Grace III: Honey & Milk Grace III He¡¯s perfect. Everything about him is perfect. He doesn¡¯t turn me away, he lets me be by his side. He pays attention to me, he cares about me. He doesn¡¯t let anyone bother me at school. He introduced me to his friends and they all accepted me. I¡¯m finally somebody. I¡¯m finally not invisible. Cody makes me feel like I finally belong in Darkwood. His eyes pierce into my soul. They¡¯re intense, but they¡¯re so sweet. They¡¯re watchful and protective. I love it. I never felt this way before. He makes my heart stop. Then I remember the last conversation I had with Emily: Her hair was short. Emily looked like a completely different person. I always thought she looked so mature, much older than she was. With her short hair, she looked so young, her age. Through it all, she always had this smile. I don¡¯t know how she could with everything she¡¯s been through. ¡°You¡¯re gonna be okay, Gracie. You¡¯ll be okay.¡± ¡°But if you leave, who¡¯s going to be my friend?¡± ¡°We¡¯ll still be friends. I¡¯ll text you every day, check up on you.¡± ¡°No. I mean-¡± ¡°Cody.¡± She said so bluntly as if she didn¡¯t want to say it. ¡°I told him to take care of you.¡± When she said that, my heart skipped a beat. I was excited and nervous. At the time I was still nervous around him; he was still so mysterious to me. But to Emily to say that it was as if she said it was okay for me to have him. ¡°I haven¡¯t even talked to him that much.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you like him?¡± ¡°N-no!¡± Emily giggled. I¡¯ve never been a good liar. I don¡¯t even know why I try. ¡°I see the way you look at him. It¡¯s okay, I look at him the same way. It¡¯s why I told him to protect you.¡± ¡°So you-¡± ¡°You can''t fall in love with him. It''s only going to break your heart.¡± I never felt so rejected before. I didn¡¯t believe her words. I still don¡¯t. It¡¯s because she still wants him. ¡°So why?¡± ¡°Gracie there¡¯s a lot of things you still have to learn. There are things I want to teach you but I can¡¯t stick around anymore. You¡¯re gonna get hurt, Gracie, but Cody will be there for you. I can trust him for that. I know deep down that he''s a good person.¡± ¡°Uhm, okay.¡± Still, Emily smiled. ¡°You¡¯re looking at me like you hate me.¡± ¡°Well, what you¡¯re telling me is pretty hypocritical.¡± ¡°I know.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t get you, Emily. What do you want me to do?¡± ¡°Just live. Grow up to be who you want to be. But it was still so hypocritical. She doesn¡¯t want me to like him but she asked him to stick with me? That doesn¡¯t make any sense. Then again, I guess there wasn¡¯t any other person to ask. Andrew¡¯s a jerk. And Sara¡¯s dead. I don¡¯t have anyone else, so all that¡¯s left is Cody and by extension, Chris. - I haven¡¯t seen my mom in a few weeks. This morning is the first she¡¯s been up early enough to make me breakfast. There are days when she doesn¡¯t even come home from the hospital. ¡°How¡¯s school, Gracie?¡± She asks with her back turned to me as she seasons the eggs. ¡°Better. I made some more friends last night.¡± ¡°Oh? Tell me about them.¡± ¡°When of them is this guy named Carlos, a senior. He was the first one to talk to me. He¡¯s really nice. Then there¡¯s Alyssa, another senior. She used to be friends with that Megan girl, but like, she kept talking to me. She even invited me over to her house.¡± ¡°Ulterior motives or genuine?¡± ¡°Genuine. She apologized.¡± Mom turns around with the pan in her hand and a spatula in the other. ¡°Everyone seems to be a senior. Any plans on making friends your own age?¡± She says as she pours the eggs onto my plate. ¡°I¡¯m uh, working on it.¡± Mom sits on the other side of the table, across from me. Her chin on her palm and a smile, ¡°Work on it harder, semester¡¯s almost over.¡± How do I tell her no one my age would talk to me? Even if a few people talk to me and everyone else leaves me alone, I still feel all the judgemental eyes on me. Everyone still avoids me. They all treat me like I¡¯m dirty, that I¡¯m a disease. ¡°How¡¯s work?¡± Mom sighs, ¡°Stressful, but you know how it is. I¡¯m just glad I get to be home for a while.¡± ¡°A while?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been working nonstop, they finally gave me a few days. Not a whole week, but enough to hang out with my little Gracie.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± ¡°Oh? I was hoping you would be more excited we finally get to spend some time together. What? Are you busy today?¡± ¡°Sort of. I¡¯m hanging out with Cody.¡± ¡°All day?¡± ¡°I can come home at sunset?¡± ¡°Please,¡± Mom smiles again, raising her head. ¡°I know I haven¡¯t been around much, but I want to make up for it. I¡¯m really sorry I wasn¡¯t there to help you deal with Sara¡¯s passing.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay, I already cried a lot.¡± ¡°But you shouldn¡¯t have to all alone.¡± I wasn¡¯t alone. I had Cody. He talked to me about it, on how to process it. It isn¡¯t easy. I¡¯m not even sure if I have. I try not to think about it. That¡¯s the easiest. I mean, it just hurts too much to think about it. I just couldn¡¯t ever imagine Sara doing it. She was so kind to me. At first, I thought she was scary with how she looked and acted but I was wrong. There wasn¡¯t ever a moment where she wasn¡¯t kind. I just don¡¯t believe that she had demons strong enough to consume her. I never imagine depression being that real. At first, I didn¡¯t believe the news. There wasn¡¯t any chance Sara would do that, not after what Elizabeth did. Nobody wanted to believe it. It wasn¡¯t until they told me that they found her stuff that it actually settled. I don¡¯t even know how to describe it. The entire time it felt like someone was holding my heart tightly. Like the pressure was making it hard to breathe. When they told me, it was as if I dropped to my stomach and burst inside. This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. I couldn¡¯t eat. I couldn¡¯t sleep. Every single thought of mine was just replaying memories of Sara in search of any signs where I could¡¯ve noticed her sadness. I mean, she could¡¯ve talked to me, but she didn¡¯t. I guess I wasn¡¯t as close to her as she was to me. Even Emily couldn¡¯t help her and those two were best friends. Emily texted me every day like she said she would. I would talk to her about Sara a lot. Emily knew what she was going through but she thought it was all resolved. Sara¡¯s biggest issue was that she couldn¡¯t come out, or at least was too afraid to. But Sara did, and Andrew accepted her, so I don¡¯t understand why. Emily told me that Sara¡¯s mom died when she was little and her father isn¡¯t the greatest. She would tell me at Sara¡¯s worst, Emily would have to force her out of bed and come to school. I just-I just don¡¯t understand it. But I have to look at it through the positive. Even if Sara died, I still have the memories I had with her. Even if Emily is now in New York, I know she¡¯ll be there for me when I need her most. And through all of this, got me close to Cody. - He takes me to the Diner today, just the two of us, like a date. We sit in the far back away from anyone else. The only one near us is that weird Jana girl, the one who never talks to anyone. ¡°Hey, Jana Kramer,¡± Cody says as we walk by but he¡¯s ignored. ¡°What¡¯s up with her?¡± I ask when we sit quietly enough for her not to hear me. ¡°Jana Kramer? I thought you already knew.¡± ¡°I know a little bit.¡± ¡°She used to be our friend. Sweet girl. She became a recluse after-¡± ¡°Oh, I see. You guys haven¡¯t talked to her?¡± ¡°We¡¯ve tried. She doesn¡¯t let anyone in.¡± Jana Kramer. She hides her face with her hair and wears nothing but baggy sweaters. She¡¯s the one who took the death of Elizabeth the hardest. She still hasn¡¯t recovered. I don¡¯t know what it means to have a best friend. I think I¡¯m close to Emily, I think I was close to Sara. If I was any closer to Sara, I wonder if I would¡¯ve ended up like Jana. ¡°This town eats everyone alive. Jana Kramer is lucky she hasn¡¯t let it consume her.¡± ¡°Did it consume Elizabeth?¡± ¡°The dead don¡¯t speak.¡± ¡°It had to, no? I mean if it didn¡¯t she would¡¯ve-¡± Like a ghost, a small girl appears in my peripheral vision, Jana Kramer. ¡°Please don¡¯t speak about her,¡± she says so softly spoken. ¡°Right, sorry Jana. It¡¯s wrong of us,¡± Cody smiles. Jana turns her head to me. For the first time, I get a look at her eyes behind her hair. They¡¯re so large, just like mine. Her lips are chapped and she hasn''t slept with her heavy bags under her eyes. Does she really not let anyone help her? ¡°I¡¯d like the two of you to leave.¡± ¡°Right. Of course. Come on, Grace.¡± I take Cody¡¯s hand and he leads me out of the booth. I take one last look at Jana Kramer before we leave. She¡¯s staring at the ground and hasn¡¯t moved from where she was standing. ¡°Why¡¯d we leave?¡± ¡°Because she asked. Wasn¡¯t our place to talk about Elizabeth like that.¡± ¡°But we just got here!¡± Cody stops me right outside the diner. ¡°Listen, you started it. You shouldn¡¯t talk about things that you don¡¯t know about. Jana Kramer,¡± Cody pauses and starts to walk towards the entrance of the town. ¡°She¡¯s hurt. We should leave her alone, at least until she¡¯s ready.¡± But when will that be? Jana was another victim of what Elizabeth did, just as I was. It¡¯s the middle of November and I still don¡¯t have a concrete reason for why she did it. Everyone I ask gives me different answers. Elizabeth Wilson, 18 years old, the Golden Child of Darkwood, Washington. She never did drugs, never smoked, and only drank. I heard she was a really nice girl until she started to become friends with her friend group. Bo told me on the night where I met him that she tormented a girl at a party one night. He said that it ate at her inside. But that¡¯s no reason. Cody said that he screwed with her head. Emily told me that Elizabeth got too jealous. Sara said that the drug use caught up to her. People keep saying that she couldn¡¯t deal with being pregnant with Andrew¡¯s kid. And Chris told me she wasn¡¯t ever meant to die. She was never meant to die, yet Elizabeth started hanging out with the friend group I fell into. She started to smoke, and do drugs, and why? To fit in, to impress Cody? What was she thinking after being straightedge for her whole life? Nobody knows. I just have to accept that I''ll never get my answer. I¡¯ll never know why she decided to be right in front of me. I follow Cody back into the town. Sometimes it feels like he¡¯s a giant over me or like I¡¯m just a puppy dog following my owner. My tail is wagging, so is that such a bad thing? The thoughts of Elizabeth fade with every step as I watch my first crush, no maybe first love lead me into the forest. I want to feel what it¡¯s like to hold hands. I want to feel what it¡¯s like to be kissed. I want to feel what it¡¯s like to be loved. I want to feel what it¡¯s like to be cool, pretty; popular. There are a lot of things I haven¡¯t experienced because I¡¯ve been afraid to go after them. My entire life I¡¯ve been ridiculed and bullied for the way I look. I never had friends, I never had anyone to teach me to be normal. All I ever had was video games and a desire to change. Emily extended her hand to me and allowed that change to occur. I learned that the entire world was mean to me for no reason. I am pretty, and I am cool. And here I am, spending the day with the boy I like and I¡¯m certain he likes me too, otherwise, why would he? He takes me to the treehouse. On the way, he stayed silent the whole way through. I wanted to talk, I had so much to say, but I just couldn¡¯t. The first few times I entered the forest I felt so anxious. Not only is it scary but it also where- But every time I enter, I feel better and better about it. I think I can find my way to the treehouse by myself now. You walk far enough toward the center until you find the jagged tree stump then you take a right. You walk until you find reach the creek that you have to jump over, luckily there is a boulder down the middle you can jump through. After that, you head on straight, following the man-made road of dirt until a clearing. In the middle is a giant tree, much bigger than any other. This is where Cody¡¯s treehouse is. Large enough to fit a couple of people but small enough that he can''t stand comfortably in it, but it¡¯s perfectly sized for me. ¡°You okay?¡± Cody asks taking his bowl out of his backpack. ¡°Yeah, yeah. You¡¯re just been quiet.¡± I sit next to him over the entrance. ¡°That a problem?¡± I watch Cody smoke out of the bowl. ¡°Yeah. Is smoking weed all you do?¡± Out of everyone who I watched smoke, Cody is one of two who I¡¯ve never seen cough. ¡°It is now.¡± ¡°Well, that¡¯s kind of lame. I don¡¯t like being high.¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t you twelve, it''s all you¡¯ve done.¡± ¡°Doesn¡¯t mean I like it.¡± ¡°So why do it?¡± To fit in. But I don¡¯t tell him that. I like being drunk better and all weed does is make me anxious. ¡°No reason.¡± Cody chuckles. It¡¯s a cute one. It warms my stomach. ¡°You shouldn¡¯t be doing things you don¡¯t like. It¡¯s not a good look.¡± I wonder if Elizabeth did it all to fit in. ¡°Then what¡¯s a good look?¡± ¡°Your eyes,¡± he says so suddenly. Like a sudden slam on my heart, it stops. My cheeks feel like it¡¯s on fire and a tingle travels throughout my entire body. ¡°N-n-no. S-s-stop.¡± Cody sighs and puts away his bowl. ¡°Sorry.¡± ¡°N-no. What did you s-say?¡± Cody chuckles again. ¡°I crossed the line. Sorry.¡± ¡°No, you didn¡¯t.¡± All this flustering made me forget that all this time I¡¯d just been staring at my hands. When I look over at Cody, he¡¯s piercing through my soul. ¡°What is it that you want, Gracie?¡± You. I want you. You. You. You. You. ¡°I-¡± His eyes blink slowly. My heart starts hitting my ribcage. His lips form an upward crescent moon. I think nothing but what it would be like to feel his lips. Cody moves the backpack to the side. My body leans towards him. He leans away. ¡°Grace, you don¡¯t even know what you want.¡± ¡°No. I do,¡± I whisper. I can feel the heat of my breath. My entire body is burning up. ¡°Is this what you want?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± Cody¡¯s body leans toward me. Mine starts to move on it''s on and then I just go blank. The warmth of his breath. The electrifying tension that I feel when I get closer and closer. How the world starts to fade around me and everything disappears. It just becomes just me and Cody. Then he pulls himself back. "This isn''t right," he says, leaving me with nothing. - My mom asks why I¡¯ve been so quiet. How do I tell her that all I want to do is lock myself in my room and cry? But I promised her that I would spend the night with her, so here I am. I don¡¯t even know what to feel. I thought I had it. It was my moment. I was so close. Tonight is movie night. We¡¯re watching ¡®The Hangover¡¯. Right at the beginning of the movie, flashing red and blue lights and their sirens run past the window. It''s not often that I see police cars and ambulances on the move in town. Wherever they''re headed, it''s towards Cody''s house. My attention returns to the TV because I don''t want to think about him. I just want to watch a dumb movie. Mom laughs more than I do. I laugh too but I feel like I force myself to. I had never seen the movie before but everyone at school raves about how funny it is. It is funny. I just wish everything that happened today just didn¡¯t so I could enjoy it. My phone vibrates but I ignore it. Thirty minutes into the movie, my laughter seems to be genuine and the thoughts of today seem to fade away. My phone vibrates again. ¡°Not gonna get that?¡± ¡°It¡¯s just the two of us tonight, right?¡± Mom smiles, ¡°Right.¡± An hour in, the phone starts to vibrate repeatedly. A phone call. It¡¯s a call from Emily, but I don¡¯t want to speak to her. She¡¯s the reason why I can¡¯t have him. She¡¯s the one he¡¯s fixated on. I just have to wait a little longer until he''s over her. ¡°That¡¯s Emily, right? Answer it, I can pause the movie.¡± ¡°I rather not.¡± ¡°Gracie, did something happen today?¡± Before I can answer, there¡¯s a knock on the front door. ¡°May I help you?¡± Mom answers. There¡¯s panting, then ¡°It¡¯s Sara!¡± Cody yells. 20. Sara IV: dont wake me up Sara IV It¡¯s cold. It¡¯s completely pitch black. My throat is aching, begging for water. It burns and it''s trying to find any moisture it can on the floor. It¡¯s strangling. My eyes aren¡¯t any better. They¡¯re filled with sand and I can¡¯t even close them without a stabbing pain filling them. I bled somewhere some time ago but I can''t see where. It''s dried up now, scabbed. All I wanted to do is die, but this is worse. Sometimes I¡¯m given a cup of water and some rice that I have to eat with my hands. This is all I¡¯m given for hours or days. No light comes. It''s impossible to tell how long it''s been. The only light I get is when the door opens when I''m given fuel. I haven''t moved in so long. I don''t want to. I don''t even care that I''m laying in my own puddle of piss. I''m just waiting to die. Maybe I am dead and this is Hell. - The door opens and light shines through for the first time in what feels like an eternity. It''s brighter than before, bright enough for it to illuminate my body. I can finally see where all the blood that dried up came from, the curse of being born a woman. The light disappears and the sound of boots approaches me. They¡¯re different from the ones that always came in. ¡°They haven¡¯t given you enough water,¡± a man¡¯s voice says. It''s deep but calming. I hear him place a heavy glass in front of me. His fingers go through my hair and they get stuck on my knots. He grabs me from under my arms and lifts me, repositioning me to sit more upright on the wall. ¡°What¡¯s your name?¡± The man asks. All I can see are the shadows of his legs. I¡¯m not even sure I can lift my head. ¡°Mine is Mendelssohn, Well at least that¡¯s the name I was given, but you can just call me--wait. Nevermind. I¡¯m not here to talk about myself. I¡¯m just here for you.¡± ¡°J-j-j-ju-¡± Jesus I can¡¯t even speak. ¡°When I found you, you had your wrist slit open. If you wanted to get the job done you should''ve done it vertically, but I guess nobody teaches that nowadays. I also guess the back of some random alley isn¡¯t the ideal place to die either so here we are. You¡¯re broken, exhausted, thirsty, and starving. You''re supposed to be dead, but I won''t let you. Do you know why?¡± ¡°W-w-w¡± ¡°Because I saw a fire in you. From the moment I saw you I knew what you could become. You, who gave up on the world, one who runs from it. I saw a wounded but strong soul. A soul so beautiful. Your hatred of the world does not come from how it hurts you, no it came from within you. It made you nothing but a shell of a person, empty and meaningless. You¡¯re here now so you can experience what it truly means to be left with nothing. And now that you are experiencing this hell, this torture, you can use it. You''ll see the world above you.¡± ¡°J-j-just ki-k-k-¡± ¡°This emptiness will transform you into the lioness that you are. I know because I¡¯ve done it. I''ve been where you are. I felt like I didn¡¯t matter. I felt like the world hated me. My mother, see, she would beat me until my tears would turn red. She made me feel like I wasn¡¯t a person. I hated her. She took a lot from me, just as the world has taken a lot from you. See, this shit you¡¯re going through, this shit I put you through? A stronger girl wouldn¡¯t survive it, but here you are. Still alive. Still standing stong.¡± I see the man''s knees. He¡¯s been kneeling for some time. ¡°Most people, won''t ever know the pain you have been through. It would kill them. But you¡¯re still here, you''re surviving the hurricane. And those who survive, those who weather the storm, those become the storm. You can become the hurricane, you hear me? I see you.¡± ¡°Kill me.¡± ¡°I''m giving you a choice," the man says, placing what I think is glass in front of me. "Take your time. If you decide to die, then you don''t have to do anything. But if you want to have the power and strength to want to be someone, drink what I placed in front of you." It¡¯s all bullshit. I¡¯m just alive by some bullshit assholes who kidnapped me and are torturing me like this. I can¡¯t ever be strong. If I did, then I would want to live. So why haven¡¯t I died yet? - The door opens again. This time the footsteps are lighter and there are two different kinds of lights shining through, one of a cell phone. It¡¯s bright enough that I can tell the sillohuete in front of me is a woman. The other is of her eyes. They¡¯re shining as if they belong to a cat. She doesn¡¯t say anything as she sits in front of me. She¡¯s texting. The light shines on her face and gets a glimpse of the color of her hair. It¡¯s shining white. ¡°Sorry, I can¡¯t seem to get over the smell,¡± her phone reads when she puts it in front of me. She takes it back and texts again. ¡°You¡¯re Sara.¡± ¡°H-how do you know that?¡± The water I¡¯ve been drinking makes it easier to speak. ¡°My name is Marina. I¡¯m a friend. I¡¯m mute. Are you feeling better?¡± I read on her phone. ¡°Why am I here?¡± Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. ¡°You met the man who placed that vial in front of you, right?¡± This strange woman shines her phone''s light on the ground and I see a small glass vial waiting for me. It''s blue. ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t believe anything he says. He¡¯s keeping you here to break your mind so he can fill his dumb little ideas into your brain. He wants you as his puppet.¡± ¡°S-so what are you doing?¡± ¡°Freeing you.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to leave. I just want to die.¡± There¡¯s no text for a while, and no light from her cellphone either. All I see is her night vision cat eyes that seem inhuman. ¡°That¡¯s not what you truly want is it?¡± The woman, rather, Marina grabs my hand. ¡°Can I show you something weird? Just don''t open your eyes until I''m done.¡± ¡°Weirder than your eyes?¡± Marina laughs, no actual sound comes out but just empty air being pushed through, sort of like a pant. She closes her eyes, holds my hands, and then I see. I see. The only cage I''m in isn''t mine. It''s not my fault that I''m here. I can be more than my prison. ¡°Why do you want me to be free?¡± ¡°So I can be free too.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not?¡± Marina shakes her head. ¡°Let me help you.¡± ¡°Why? So I can just be miserable and have to lie about it too? I don¡¯t want to go back.¡± ¡°But you don¡¯t want to die either.¡± ¡°So what choice do I have?¡± ¡°Sara, would you believe me if I told you you''re more important than you believe? When I showed you, it showed me. I know everything.¡± ¡°Bullshit you-¡± The next lines of Marina¡¯s phone haunt me. ¡°You don''t have to go back to that home.¡± Why do I get the feeling that she means what she says? She showed me. I- ¡°When can I leave?¡± ¡°A few days. I¡¯ll be bringing more water and food. I have to get your body strong enough first. I won¡¯t let him to this you. Not to anyone else.¡± Marina holds her phone down as she stands. The last words I get from her phone are, ¡°Please don¡¯t let him make you believe you''re his storm. Don''t drink what he gave you.¡± - Mendelssohn arrives again. ¡°My beautiful raging storm, how are you today?¡± ¡°Why are you doing this to me?¡± I can¡¯t see him. I can only see his shadow but for whatever reason, I know he smiles. ¡°She speaks,¡± Mendelssohn kneels. ¡°May I have your name?¡± ¡°Sara.¡± ¡°Sara,¡± he smiles again. ¡°I see you. You¡¯re beautiful. We found you half dead. We barely feed you. You¡¯re covered in dirt. You don¡¯t have a place to defecate. It smells horrible in here,¡± he laughs. ¡°Yet you still live. You¡¯re alive with a storm ready to rage. Ready to fight against this world.¡± ¡°You have me trapped here.¡± ¡°But you¡¯re not. There are no chains on your feet and no chains on your arms. You are free. There only thing keeping here is your will to live. You want to die so you don¡¯t care about everything that is happening around you. Sara, I see you. Sara, I want you to see it too.¡± Marina told me not to trust his words but he is right. I¡¯m not shackled. I¡¯ve always had to strength to stand up and leave whenever I wanted. I don¡¯t even have that anymore. I became a slave of my desire to die. I still haven¡¯t died despite everything. I¡¯m not meant to die yet. ¡°And once you do, I will show you how much power you can hold. You are nothing now, but with me, you can own the world. No longer will you ever feel alone and feel like the world is fighting against you. I can see it now, that fire raging inside you. What do you say, Sara? Become my storm, become the lioness, become my queen.¡± I can still fight. I can still live. Maybe I can still be happy. I want to take his hand. It¡¯s extended just for me. Marina told me not to fall for his words. She told me not to trust him. I have to trust her, after all, she- ¡°No.¡± Mendelssohn smiles again, ¡°Think it over, and when you find the fire within you, drink the bottle.¡± - Marina enters with her glow-in-the-dark eyes. She sits in front of me but doesn¡¯t pull her phone out to talk. ¡°Are you not going to type anything?¡± The light from her phone finally shines through. I see her face. Her eyes are shining white. Everything about her is pure white. Marina is an angel. "I hear your brother has gone crazy searching for you. He¡¯s the only one who¡¯s still trying.¡± Andrew is still trying? I¡¯m not alone. He¡¯s still there. I almost left him alone. He¡¯s the only light in my world and I¡¯m his and I almost ripped it away from him. I have to live. I have to leave here so I can bring back his light. I¡¯m sure he¡¯s destroying everything around him right now, desperate to be seen. I have to find him before he destroys himself. I get so concern about him that I don''t questions how she knows my brother. ¡°My eyes don¡¯t lie to me. You want to save him.¡± ¡°You can see them? So those eyes aren¡¯t fake?¡± She smiles. Even her smile shines brightly. ¡°No. I can see quite well in the dark.¡± ¡°How did you know my name?" "It doesn''t matter." "Just who are you?" Marina doesn¡¯t answer. Her eyes observe me and it just reminds me of how a cat stares at you. Marina is just like Chris. They¡¯re both cryptic and somehow know what a person is thinking. Marina¡¯s phone light shines. She holds it towards me like she always does, but there¡¯s no text this time. It¡¯s just her screensaver; a picture of her holding a black and white cat. Marina is stunning. Her entire skin is covered in what could only be snow. She¡¯s as white as the fur of her cat and makes the black fur seem like a black hole. She takes her phone back, types and it says, ¡°This cat is the only thing that¡¯s truly mine. It was the first thing that I wasn¡¯t destined for. We can follow our path or walk the grass, that will always be your choice. You can choose to stay here.¡± ¡°I want to leave.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± Marina smiles. "And when I do, how will that free you too?" "That part comes later, but can''t happen without you." - Marina comes in again at some point. She doesn¡¯t say anything as she takes off my shirt. She takes off my pants and then my underwear. She stands me up and before moving me to the other side of the room, she shatters the vial with her foot. Marina pours water on me. She scrubs off all the dirt and cleans everything thoroughly. I don¡¯t try to fight it. I didn¡¯t care before, but now it has been bothering me. Marina dries me up with a towel and puts a change of clothes on me. ¡°Better?¡± She texts. ¡°Better. Thank you.¡± She stands me up again but this time makes me stand on my weight. When I can¡¯t, she catches me. I feel her nodding and struggling to hold me upright. My grip on her becomes tighter as we begin to walk, this time to the door. She stops right before she can open it. The phone appears in front of my eyes, ¡°Ready?¡± ¡°Yes. Please.¡± The door opens. The hallway is dimly lit. It''s empty. The hallway is long and cold. It feels more like a set piece in a movie than real. We pass many doors on the side that are all opened; all pitch black. There were others in there. I know it. I¡¯m not the only one who¡¯s been going through this. This is what Marina meant. As we reach the end of the hallway and the door that resides there, I hear the noise of the outside. Cars and motorcycles and even sirens. Marina places her hand on the knob. She twists it, pulls, and the door opens. 21. Sara V: the blue bird of happiness Sara V Gracie is the first to visit me in the hospital. The poor little girl couldn¡¯t control her tears. She wouldn¡¯t let go of me either. She asked me all the questions everyone already had. Where have I been? What happened to me? Who did this to me? I can¡¯t answer any of it. I keep my motive secret. Instead, I gave them a half-truth that I was kept against my will. I¡¯m not sure if Marina was even real. Nobody knows who she is and nobody has seen her. I''m told that it was Cody who found me passed out against Emily¡¯s front door. I don¡¯t even remember that much. Marina must have left me there. I must have told her where I wanted to go. I don''t remember anything that happened after I saw the sun again. Grace tells me that Emily left for New York. She had a really bad accident with my brother the day I tried to kill myself. She¡¯s been gone since, thinking that I¡¯ve been dead this entire time. And now I get to see Emily¡¯s face over Facetime. Emily cries just as much as Grace does. The three of us spend the next few hours catching up. And every waking moment of that I spend glancing at the door, waiting for my brother to show up. But he never does. Cody comes after Gracie left. He doesn¡¯t enter. He just leans against the door frame. ¡°You look much better. Glad you¡¯re back.¡± ¡°Thanks,¡± it comes out weakly. ¡°Was a girl in white there when you found me?¡± ¡°No, just you, nearly dead.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± ¡°You missed out on a lot. I guess Grace has told you that much. But what it¡¯s worth, I¡¯m really glad you¡¯re back, we missed you.¡± Grace missed me. Cody missed me. How many others have missed me? ¡°You really mean that?¡± ¡°Of course.¡± ¡°Do you know where Andrew is? Have you told him that I¡¯m here? I want to see him.¡± Cody takes a chair and crosses his arms. ¡°We don¡¯t talk anymore. He doesn¡¯t even come to school and I¡¯m pretty sure I¡¯ll rip his head off if I ever see him again,¡± pauses. ¡°But yeah, he knows.¡± ¡°Then why isn¡¯t he here?¡± ¡°I sent him a message. He¡¯ll come, just give him time.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± Cody finally walks in and sits next to me. ¡°Ever since that day, everything has changed. It¡¯s just like Elizabeth. The only difference is that you¡¯re still here. So can I ask you? You weren''t kidnapped at first...did you really try?¡± ¡°Yes¡­¡± ¡°Emily and Andrew got in a car crash.¡± ¡°Yeah, I know, Gracie told me.¡± ¡°The text you sent her is what caused the crash. She got a panic attack and it caused Andrew to stop paying attention.¡± ¡°I-¡± "Grace and Emily don''t have the heart to tell you that." "I--I didn''t mean..." ¡°Don¡¯t blame yourself. Nobody blames you. I didn''t tell you just to guilt you over it. I just wanted you to know how important you are to everyone. You can change the world with your words. So don¡¯t ever feel that you¡¯re less than that, you never were.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need the pep talk, Cody,¡± I say almost giggling. I make him laugh, ¡°Right, right. It¡¯s just- so much has happened. I wouldn¡¯t want another light to go out.¡± Cody is acting differently. I can''t place it. I don''t feel his eyes piercing into my soul. They don''t have any life anymore. ¡°Thanks, Cody, never thought you would be so sentimental.¡± ¡°Never thought so either.¡± *knock* *knock* Andrew. He came. He leans on the doorframe and then stands up straight after Cody gets up to walk over toward him. The two size each other up, but Cody snickers. ¡°I¡¯ll see you later, Sara.¡± My brother turns to me when Cody leaves. He has his shit-eating annoying grin on his face. He nearly tackles me when he runs over to hug me. ¡°Thank, fuck!¡± ¡°You okay, you look like you¡¯ve seen a ghost.¡± ¡°Where the fuck you¡¯ve been?¡± It¡¯s the same old question everyone asked but he doesn¡¯t press me further. Andrew doesn¡¯t give a shit about any of that, he¡¯s just really happy to see me. Honestly, It makes me happy knowing he is so happy. I never thought he could be capable of acting like the old Andrew before Mom died. He holds my hand the entire time we talk. They feel much different than I remember, they''re cold, but maybe I¡¯m imagining it. ¡°I heard you almost killed Emily.¡± ¡°I did, I did. Pretty much burnt all my bridges.¡± ¡°Did you apologize?¡± This is me. I always have to clean up my brother¡¯s mistakes. I¡¯ve always had to apologize on his behalf. I shouldn¡¯t have bothered to ask, he never gives out a real apology, but one day he will. That¡¯s why I have to be on his ass about it. ¡°Of course not. Wasn¡¯t even my fault, Ems went all psycho.¡± This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. ¡°You¡¯ve been alright?¡± ¡°Yeah, yeah. I¡¯ve been searching all over for you every day,¡± he sighs. ¡°God must love me if he hasn¡¯t taken you away from me, eh?¡± Andrew isn¡¯t religious, he¡¯s just boasting about how great he is. It saddens me. I don¡¯t know why he has to put up this front all the time. I¡¯m the only person in the world who knows who he is deep down. If I can¡¯t even make him bring it out, no one can. Those five seconds of genuine happiness in the beginning are all I¡¯ll ever get. ¡°Dad¡¯s been around?¡± I shake my head. ¡°Does he know?¡± ¡°Yeah, said he¡¯ll stop by but can¡¯t believe I even beat him here. Shit, we can finally go home when he does.¡± ¡°They¡¯re keeping me a few more days. I have to be fed and do a little physical therapy.¡± ¡°They must¡¯ve done a psych eval, you good on that?¡± I nod. I couldn''t admit that I have thoughts of self-harm. That¡¯s a one-way ticket to the looney bin. I lied and somehow it turned out okay. I somehow managed to convince the faint lines on my wrist were just scratches from fighting back. I cut myself in such a hurry that it doesn''t look intentional now. I told the cops and doctors that I was kidnapped and I didn¡¯t know by who. I told them about the room and hallways and the girl in white who saved me. An investigation was started but I don''t think I gave them enough details for it to go anywhere. ¡°Shit, we good to go then.¡± But I don¡¯t want to go home. The girl with the white hair. Marina. She said that I don¡¯t have to go home. I never asked her what she meant by that. If she¡¯s an angel like how she appears, then maybe she knows I¡¯ll be safe after escaping. Otherwise, what¡¯s the point of even surviving? The negative thoughts set in. I¡¯ll just go back to the same house. I¡¯ll- I don¡¯t want that. I don¡¯t ever want to go through that ever again. I have to tell Andrew. I have to tell someone. I have to. I have to. So Why? Why is it so hard? Andrew cleans my tears for me. I get another moment of the real Andrew. He holds me tight and doesn¡¯t say a word. He just lets me cry my little heart. Andrew is the only person who can ever save me. I want to be saved. - Our father visits the following morning. The second I see him my body locks up. I''m frozen. I want to bolt out of the room as fast as I can but I can''t move. He doesn¡¯t say anything and there¡¯s no emotion on his face. It¡¯s like I¡¯m not even here. He''s not even looking at me. ¡°Find somewhere else to live. I don¡¯t want your deadbeat ass,¡± is all he says after minutes of silence. ¡°You¡¯re leaving as soon as they let you.¡± That¡¯s all he says. That¡¯s it. That''s all I get before he leaves. FUCK! So just like that, huh? I¡¯m just homeless? No, no, I can call child services, but fuck. That wouldn¡¯t work. What kind of life would I have if I were separated from everything I love? I can tough it out for a year. I just need to turn 18. I can graduate high school and get into college. That¡¯s how I survive. But how do I survive if I don¡¯t have a place to sleep? Why do I have this idea in my head that I can live normally? I¡¯m not shit. Won¡¯t ever be. I saw something, but now I don''t remember. - Grace stops by to cheer me up. I didn¡¯t notice it yesterday, but she no longer wears those dorky glasses that make her eyes look bigger than they already are. When I see her actual eyes, they¡¯re so pretty. She tells me that she¡¯s been hanging out with Cody since she doesn¡¯t have anyone to protect her besides him while she catches me up on things. I don''t press for further details. I don''t need to ask what she feels about him. I don''t want to encourage something that''ll never happen. I''m left alone after she leaves. She''s the only one who has been constantly visiting every day. My other friends like Isaac and Carlos stopped by too. I always thought Alyssa never liked me but she came too. I get on a call with Emily any time she''s free. I try to keep myself busy so I don''t have to be alone with my thoughts. But now it''s all quiet and I¡¯m forced to think. I just wanted to die. I didn''t want to suffer anymore. I didn''t feel I had the right to be a person. I have to be alive for a reason. I just have to. The woman in white gave me that reason but I don''t remember how or what. Maybe that man who kept me captive is right, maybe I can become stronger so I don¡¯t ever have to feel like this anymore. No. I¡¯ll never be strong enough. That wasn''t the reason. - Andrew walks in sucking a bag of Capri Sun. ¡°Y''know, Dad kicking you out kind of works out doesn¡¯t it?¡± ¡°He told you?¡± Andrew sits beside my legs. ¡°We can call child services on his ass but I know you. I don¡¯t need the stress of some shitty foster home either. We have a year until we¡¯re 18 anyway. You can tough it out.¡± ¡°Where am I going to live? You¡¯re forgetting that part.¡± ¡°Easy,¡± Andrew shrugs. ¡°Ask Emily¡¯s dad. He doesn¡¯t got a daughter anymore.¡± ¡°He won''t agree to that. He doesn''t like me.¡± ¡°What about Isaac? Wait no, he¡¯s gay and you¡¯ll get to courage to finally come out. Uh, wait you already did. Nevermind.¡± Andrew takes a drink. ¡°Grace? Her parents are stacked have you seen her house?¡± ¡°It¡¯s just her and her mom.¡± ¡°Really? In a house like that?¡± ¡°Her mom works at this hospital and is never home. I doubt she¡¯ll take me in.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t know ¡®til you ask, in fact,¡± Andrew jumps up and tosses his Capri Sun into my hands. ¡°I¡¯ll ask her for you, B-R-B.¡± ¡°Andrew!¡± There¡¯s no arguing with my brother. He leaves as quickly as he arrives. He makes a good point that I haven¡¯t thought about. Dad doesn¡¯t want me in the house anymore and I don¡¯t want to be there after what he¡­ I¡¯m scared. I¡¯ve been so scared this entire time. I¡¯m still scared. I wrap my arms around my legs and clench myself together. What is wrong with me? Why am I so weak? Why can¡¯t I be like mom? She was so nice, cheerful and calm. Why did she have to die? I miss her. I want a cigarette. Hours later a pretty woman with brunette hair walks in. She looks familiar, sort of like¡­Grace. She¡¯s just an older Grace. This must be her mom. ¡°Hi,¡± I greet her. ¡°Hey there, you must be Sara. Grace has told me a lot about you. I¡¯m Virginia, her mother.¡± ¡°Nice to meet you.¡± Virginia¡¯s aura feels warm and light. It¡¯s just like Grace¡¯s. I don¡¯t feel as tense which is good. Sometimes it¡¯s really hard to realize how much my body can relax. ¡°I think I ran into your brother in the lobby earlier. He came to me with a weird request.¡± ¡°Oh, that? Don¡¯t worry about it, he doesn¡¯t know what he¡¯s talking about,¡± I scoff. It¡¯s quite embarrassing. I catch Virginia looking at my wrists and I quickly hide them. ¡°Grace was really worried about you. She told me you went missing and begged me to bring her here when she heard the news. You¡¯ve been good to her, so you have my thanks.¡± ¡°Oh, uh, no problem.¡± ¡°I¡¯m really sorry for everything you have been going through. It¡¯s just, what your brother said, it¡¯s unreasonable. I don¡¯t know you so I can¡¯t take you in.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay, I understand. It was a crazy idea anyway.¡± Virginia sits in the only chair in the room. She examines me. Her eyes match the intensity of what Cody¡¯s eyes can do. Just what the hell did Andrew tell her? ¡°So tell me about yourself. Why are you here? Why did you run away?¡± Wait, is she serious? ¡°If you lie to me I won¡¯t take you in.¡± She¡¯s serious. She¡¯s absolutely serious. ¡°I...There¡¯s something,¡± I pause because I¡¯m fumbling over my words. I want to tell her everything and I don¡¯t even know why. My fear stops me again. ¡°There are some things I¡¯m not ready to talk about.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay,¡± Virginia smiles. It calms me down. ¡°You don¡¯t have to tell me everything, you can take it slow. I just want you to be honest.¡± I close my eyes. Everything inside tells me I can trust Grace¡¯s mom like I''m meant to. There are a lot of things I never admitted to myself. I think there are a lot of things I have yet to admit. ¡°I¡¯m addicted to cocaine,¡± I start off. Ever since Elizabeth''s death, I doubled down on how much I did. The only way I could afford it is because my brother literally has pounds of it lying around and gives it away when he wants. I think it was my way of coping. Not just about Ellie, but everything else. My father likes to beat me. Andrew doesn¡¯t know or at least I don¡¯t think he does. I¡¯ve forced myself to do things to keep the charade of being straight for no fucking reason. I endured so much for no damn reason. I fucking hate myself so much. There¡¯s just so much fucking self-hatred that I can¡¯t stand it. Life hasn¡¯t been the same since Mom died. That¡¯s why I do so much coke. Then there was that night¡­ My dad crossed a line I never thought of. I want to throw up. I don¡¯t tell Virginia this. 22. Chris IV: Man Vs. Ape Chris IV ¡°There''s two others like us," I say. Marina Lightyears. She¡¯s the sole reason I agreed to work with Lyle. She knows things about me, about you. I haven¡¯t talked to you in a while, mostly because I¡¯ve been talking to this white-haired woman. She tells me it¡¯s pointless to poke my head outside the universe, where you are. After all, what good could I do if I knew what was beyond it? ¡°Here in the state, or in general?¡± She signs. Marina only signs to me. I still haven¡¯t asked her how she knew that I could read it but that¡¯s the bottom of my list of questions. I don¡¯t get much time to talk to her while we work. She¡¯s often too busy running the organization. From what I¡¯ve gathered, she handles all the logistics and business side of things. Lyle runs the muscle and everything else. Yet I can feel her heart just isn¡¯t in it. ¡°The state.¡± ¡°Yes. A mother and her adopted daughter. I¡¯ve met them. They¡¯re good people.¡± ¡°That¡¯s what I thought. It¡¯s faint but I feel them too. It¡¯s like the pull wants me to make decisions towards them, just like with you.¡± ¡°That¡¯s how it works, we''re all drawn to each other. We''re all special. Did you know we all do something different?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°You can see what¡¯s beyond and know where things are supposed to go. I wish had that.¡± Marina, in our limited time, has been helping me understand just who I am. She says all of us who have this mutation are born odd. She calls it the Gift of the Goddess. I¡¯m not one to judge no matter how ridiculous it would seem. At best I can call it the next step in human evolution but any evidence to support it is paper thin. Sometimes I feel like it¡¯s all in my head. Maybe we¡¯re both nuts. It¡¯s only once, but I¡¯ve seen her eyes in the dark. They¡¯re unnatural with the mutation maybe being one in a trillion if it¡¯s even possible, to begin with. ¡°I doubt having the eyes of a feline is worse.¡± Marina does a silent laugh with her hand over her mouth. ¡°I haven¡¯t shown you?¡± Marina gets up from her chair and sits on the table where I¡¯ve been working. In the process, she knocks most of the equipment down. I don¡¯t mind, all I¡¯ve been doing is fluff work. I have no intention of recreating the original Winter. At best I just improve the least toxic version they have here. Lyle expects miracles but even if I tried it would be impossible. The small amount of actual Winter I¡¯ve been given to research gives me a headache. The chemical compounds it¡¯s made off of shouldn¡¯t be stable. The best I can do is make it stable enough for a microsecond before it renders itself useless and toxic. I¡¯m not going to lie, how the original can be stable intrigues me but I¡¯m better off not looking into it. I can''t afford to hurt the world like that again, not since Elizabeth''s suicide. Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. ¡°Close your eyes and whatever you do, under no circumstance do you open them. Understand?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± When my eyes close, I feel her palm touch my forehead while she grabs hold of my hand with hers . In an instant I see. I see everything. It¡¯s like a massive psychotic break where I¡¯m reliving my past. I''m a child. I''m a kid again, the center of attention. I¡¯m the one who¡¯s supposed to stand out amongst a pool of brilliant and gifted people. My attention was always on me ever since I was young. I¡¯ve been told I was able to have full-blown conversations at two and was able to do complex math at four. My entire life was already decided from that moment, but it was not what I wanted. I didn''t want to have the pressure of living up to the expectations set by others. I just wanted to be normal. Then I met Cody. He was the first one who didn¡¯t treat me differently because I was weird. He just wanted to play and went along with anything I said. He¡¯s the one who showed me I can have a regular childhood. So that¡¯s what I did. I knew where my thread was supposed to go and I ignored it at every turn. I went against my fate. The further I strayed the more I couldn''t stop noticing it. I couldn''t ignore the itching feeling that I was not real. By the time elementary was over I was already spending all my free time trying to learn everything as fast as I could. There¡¯s no subject I don¡¯t understand. There¡¯s no problem I can¡¯t solve. Even though I still tried to act normal and have the normal kid experience, that wasn¡¯t my path. I just never realized that the road I chose to walk on led to the same destination. I saw that free will, at least for me, does not exist. I saw something beyond me and that¡¯s when everything fell apart. It starts out with a question. How much of it is real? The more you dive into it the more skepticism sets in and it starts to dilute the simple pleasures in life. I started to question the universe and develop models to measure the theories. It all became a conspiracy so I delved into psychology and physics but the more and more I delved the more I questioned existence. The reality maps started to crumble so I asked hallucinogens, ¡°Who am I? What am I? Am I forever?¡± And so the walls come crumbling down. I found an answer to a question I had never asked. That¡¯s when I met you, the observer. God. I never thought my sanity could harm others until my inaction let Elizabeth die. It wasn¡¯t real until I saw her outside grabbing the gun from her bag. It wasn¡¯t real until it was screaming at me to stop her. But I didn¡¯t. - "Do you know what happens after we die?" She asked me a week before she died. "Is heaven or hell not enough for you?" "I''m asking you." "If you were born inside a prison and lived there your entire life, would you be able to recognize the outside once you''re set free?" "You don''t know either, huh? Hey, why do you always wear that ugly green parka all the time?" "It''s comfortable." "Does it make you feel safe?" "Yes." "I met my guardian angel. She told me to find somewhere safe. She told me that everything would be okay. Why couldn''t she protect me? - ¡°Open your eyes,¡± a whisper. When I wake, Marina is adjusting her bangs. ¡°Did you say something?¡± She shakes her head and signs, ¡°Did you see?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I say with no breath. ¡°What was that?¡± ¡°It¡¯s what I can do. It helps me understand people. It helps me help others. Just like how you can help others too.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think I can.¡± ¡°Of course, you can. What¡¯s it telling you right now?¡± ¡°To help you.¡± Marina smiles and leans forward. Up close, she looks normal. ¡°That¡¯s not what I felt. Stop being afraid, Chris. Tell me the truth.¡± ¡°To save my friends.¡± 23. Emily III: City in Amber Emily III January ¡°Hey, Emily.¡± ¡°She can¡¯t hear you, idiot.¡± ¡°She¡¯s faking it, Bri.¡± ¡°Shi- Emily is a weird-ass girl, cuh. Deadass with the all the layers. I''ow it''s December but it ain''t even cold out, ¡®sup with that? ¡± ¡°It¡¯s who she is, Tyler. Brian, stop going through her phone!¡± ¡°Emily doesn¡¯t care, Bri. Hey, look at this. She used to have cool hair. Wonder why she cut it.¡± ¡°Duh, slim. They had to cut it for surgery or do you no pay attention with your wannabe black-ass.¡± ¡°She still looks good with short hair, cut her some slack guys.¡± ¡°Yo, how come she spaces out n¡¯shi? ¡°I don¡¯t know man, why you¡¯re asking me?¡± ¡°You guys think what she said is true?¡± What¡¯s true?¡± ¡°That the drugs in her hometown are way stronger than the ones here.¡± ¡°Nah, slim. She trippin¡¯. But what do ya¡¯ll white folks know? Bunch of rich ass, bored ass white kids with no better things to do.¡± ¡°Sorry, we call can¡¯t have the rag-to-riches story like you, Ty.¡± ¡°Man, fuck you, Brian, with your yee-yee ass haircut. ¡°Yup, we¡¯re living the life. C¡¯mon, let''s go back.¡± I act like I can¡¯t hear them, but I do. Most of the time it¡¯s just daydreaming. No, it¡¯s always daydreaming. Whatever goes on in my head is better than what¡¯s happening around me. It¡¯s new to me and I like it. Ever since the accident, it¡¯s been like this. Just me and a better place. Bri, Tyler, and Brian think they know how it is; Smoking weed, snorting coke, and drinking every Friday and Saturday night. It¡¯s nothing compared to the high day of Darkwood where some asshole would throw something on a Monday and we¡¯ll all be hungover the next day just to do it all over again that night. The death of Elizabeth stopped that for a while and for the better. I know now just how crazy that was. It¡¯s nice here. I always thought New York would be so fast-paced and that¡¯ll be hard to adjust to. No, I fit in quite nicely. Mom has me in a private school. I expected it to be crazy like the movies. It¡¯s something like that, but my expectations weren¡¯t met. Being the new girl with a dark mysterious past, everyone was eager to be my friend. That held true especially when Mom forcefully made me wear designer clothes so it¡¯ll show that I¡¯m made of money. In the end, the only people I liked enough were Bri, Tyler, and Brian. People who don¡¯t fit in, but aren¡¯t outcasts either. Even here, I manage to get into the same clique as Darkwood. One¡¯s a girl who refuses to wear money even though she has it; Another is a boy who escaped Harlem when his parents landed great jobs. The final is a preppy white kid who by all means not be in this friend group. I¡¯ve been with them for months now and I still can¡¯t decide if I like them or not. Deep down, I know I still want to go back to Darkwood, back to Cody. - ¡°I thought you were coming home an hour ago,¡± my sister, Jerrica says when I plop my butt on the couch. ¡°Sorry, I spaced it out.¡± ¡°Again? Well, I won¡¯t tell Mom if you help me with dinner, deal?¡± I smile. ¡°Deal.¡± We live in a brownstone house on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Even though we have plenty of room for the three of us, I hardly ever sleep in my room. Jerrica tells me every day that she¡¯s sick of me crying every night but never actually kicks me out. It¡¯s Mom that has a problem with it she always tells me to grow up. I guess sleeping with my sister makes me feel like a little girl again, so that¡¯s why I keep doing it. It¡¯s from a better time when we were never separated. After the light dinner, I head out to Central Park right as the sun sets. It¡¯s become a hobby of mine and a routine. Sometimes Jerrica joins in, today isn¡¯t one of those days. In the beginning, it was really difficult to walk around; having to always catch my breath. It¡¯s better now, but sometimes I can still feel my ribs ache even though they¡¯re supposed to be completely healed now. I like to cross Central Park completely to the Upper West so I can eat at the bodegas. I¡¯ve already found my favorite, owned by the friendliest Mexican man that I made friends with. His sandwiches are always the best, although there¡¯s a few in Midtown come close. I only go there in the mornings when I actually have the time. These little stores are literally saving my life. I¡¯m back up to a normal weight now. Which means I can stop wearing sweaters all the time. But I still do. Walking back home back through the park makes me miss Darkwood. I want to go back there so I can hang out with Sara and Grace and even Chris again. I want to see my dad. I want to see Cody. I want to talk to him. All that it does is remind me why I left in the first place. Andrew fucked up my life for the better. It¡¯s better here. I¡¯m better. Whenever I talk to Gracie, she always catches me up on what¡¯s happening over there. Of course, the best news I ever received was when she called me, crying in joy that Sara was found alive. I¡¯ve never felt such a weight lift off of me when I heard it. I don¡¯t think I ever felt so happy. Then I learned that Sara now started living with Grace and is working on getting better. I talk to Sara nearly every day. At first, there was no life in her eyes. Sometimes she still doesn¡¯t, but she¡¯s smiling more now. She¡¯s laughing again. I can¡¯t imagine what she went through. I still can¡¯t believe she was kidnapped. But I know Sara better than that. I know she tried to kill herself that night, regardless of what she said. I saw a video Bo posted a few days after moving. The first thing Cody did when Andrew showed up to school was beat the ever-living shit out of him. Andrew was just enjoying himself, mocking Cody over and over again for failing me. Andrew didn''t bother to fight back. It just proves to me that Andrew never truly gave a shit about me. I thought he did, but that was a different time. Cody completely lost himself. The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. Good, I thought. That¡¯s exactly what I wanted to happen. All I wanted was to take Cody by the throat and make him understand the world as if he were me until he couldn¡¯t breathe. I couldn¡¯t watch the entire video until the end. Now that so much time has passed, I¡¯m trying to understand what he was going through. He said the dead don¡¯t speak. Elizabeth''s suicide affected him much more than he believes. It was just supposed to be a fling. He said he avoided me to protect me from who he is; a manipulator. He calls himself Mr. Selfdestruct, but I know him more than that. It¡¯s bullshit how he lies to everyone including himself. I know the truth, even if he doesn¡¯t yet. It¡¯s why I¡¯ve been slowly talking him again. I''ve been cautious. I¡¯ve told him we¡¯re still not friends, and that he can¡¯t ever be the first to message me. So far it''s mostly meaningless conversations. Any other time is just me asking how Grace is doing. They¡¯re good friends now, best friends even. I was so afraid that he would destroy Grace because she likes him so much, but that never happened, did it? Surely he wouldn¡¯t do that to her, never her. This is Cody''s test. Grace hasn¡¯t ever told me anything about it. - I think that I think too much. That¡¯s what Chris would say. I guess it applies to me now. ¡°Are you ready?¡± my sister breaks me out of the trance. ¡°Yeah, yeah,¡± I say getting up from my bed. We¡¯re going to a party in the Upper East. It¡¯s one of those exclusive parties that only the people in the know can get into and my sister is in the know. Bri is always going which means I¡¯ll only know two people there. For the first time, I¡¯m wearing a nice dress that shows off my body. Maybe it is time to wear regular clothing now that I''m a healthy weight. I¡¯m also thinking about starting to go to a gym. My flat ass doesn¡¯t service my already flat boobs. I think I¡¯m wearing a slutty dress but it doesn¡¯t compare to my sister¡¯s or Bri¡¯s. I guess I would show my cleavage that much if I had boobs like my sister¡¯s too. Unlike Darkwood where everything is chaotic and relentless, New York is more social and calm masked under that chaos. It reminds me of those bad teen movies on Netflix. It¡¯s not a high school party. It¡¯s private. Everyone here has status and has just come home from their semester. Everyone here is from Columbia, Yale, or Harvard, and every other rich kid college. I¡¯m so outclassed that it takes me a couple of shots to calm down. I manage to blend in well enough. Mom¡¯s rich and Jerrica goes to Columbia herself. Everything about this screams networking. That¡¯s all it is. It¡¯s about who you know and what you can do. But some things never change. I witness a drug deal happening in front of the entrance of the townhome. The group then runs up to the bathroom to do whatever they bought. In Darkwood, everything happens openly. The people here have a lot more to lose. A group comes up to me to talk to me, seeing that I¡¯m Jerrica¡¯s sister. I can already feel the lustful eyes of one of them. They compliment me and ask me where I¡¯m going to school when I graduate. One tries to convince me to come to Harvard. They don¡¯t know that I don¡¯t even have the grades to even dream about it. That thought makes me giggle and it catches one of the guys by the hook. Ew. ¡°Yeah, you¡¯re so cool. So original.¡± ¡°Uh, thanks,¡± I laugh nervously. Then I see him. My crush in class walks by and we meet each other¡¯s eyes. He stands taller than anyone at this party and taller than anyone I¡¯ve ever seen. I never like the term jaw-dropping, but this is how it feels. I¡¯ve never seen him outside of uniform. This milky brown skin compliments his white shirt so well. Chris talks about how people''s energy can sometimes pull him toward the direction of their presence. I never understood, but damn, I think I do now. It¡¯s powerful. ¡°Emily, there you are,¡± God his accent is so thick, so powerful. ¡°Y-you¡¯re looking for me?¡± Fuck. I stuttered. It¡¯s visible now, isn¡¯t it? ¡°Your drink is empty, come, I¡¯ll get you another one.¡± His words intimidate all the boys and they all leave. That¡¯s when I catch his laugh. ¡°Are you alright?¡± ¡°Yeah, just fine. Thanks.¡± ¡°Alright,¡± he says as he tries to walk away. ¡°Wait!,¡± I manage to stop him. ¡°Aren¡¯t we getting me a new drink?¡± He chuckles. ¡°Right. Come.¡± ¡°Thanks, Soran.¡± I follow Soran around the party with a drink in hand. He talks to all his friends about things I can¡¯t even comprehend. Stocks and finances and all that jazz. I stand and listen but never contribute. I¡¯m invisible but Soran doesn¡¯t seem to mind. After a while, I excuse myself and rejoin Bri. She talks to some guys but compared to being around Soran, it¡¯s a breeze. My sister joins us soon after and we split from the guys to get more drinks. Being buzzed or drunk is where I need to be. It makes it a lot easier to not look over where Soran is. It doesn¡¯t work 100#% of the time and Jerrica notices. ¡°Girl, at least try not to make it so obvious,¡± She laughs. ¡°Is it that bad?¡± ¡°Like bad, bad,¡± Bri laughs. Soran is a year older than me but in the same grade due to something that happened when he immigrated here. We sat next together in one of my classes, that is how we got to know each other. He¡¯s not my friend, just a crush. I¡¯m sure he doesn¡¯t even see me that way anyway. He¡¯s always so calm, so stoic. It¡¯s nice to have someone to think about other than Cody sometimes. I get to imagine what it would be like to kiss his lips surrounded by his already thick beard. I could stare at his milky brown eyes all day which I think I¡¯ve done by accident when I spaced out one time. He finds me again towards the end of the night outside, smoking a joint. It drops my heart. Shit, I almost pee myself. Up close, I find he¡¯s a foot taller than me. ¡°You have some balls smoking that outside,¡± he says. ¡°I used to do it all the time back home,¡± I answer back with an exhale. ¡°Want some?¡± I like this. I¡¯m back in control of myself again. After all, Soran is just a regular guy. I have to try to remember that. ¡°I don¡¯t smoke.¡± ¡°Oh. Well, do you want a drink?¡± ¡°I had enough already,¡± he chuckles and now I feel like a fool. ¡°I hope you don¡¯t turn into the people inside this place.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± Soran sits on the steps leading to the front door. ¡°You and me, we don¡¯t come from their world. You and I know what¡¯s real.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t care about fitting in?¡± Soran shakes his head. ¡°I just do my own thing. Worrying about being liked, being rich, and using people just to gain power, it¡¯s not me. It¡¯s just now how I was raised.¡± ¡°And where¡¯s that?¡± ¡°Russia.¡± ¡°I thought you were Middle Eastern¡± He laughs. It¡¯s intoxicating and I immediately want more. ¡°My father is Russian. My mother¡¯s Persian. I grew up in both Afghanistan and moved to Russia during the war.¡± ¡°That explains your last name, Sergeyevich.¡± ¡°And you? Who¡¯s Emily Crowe?¡± I grin, ¡°Don¡¯t you know? A vulture.¡± Soran shakes his head. ¡°Not yet at least. Maybe soon if you stop being yourself.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t like the person I¡¯m becoming?¡± ¡°I like the weirdo always wearing the school¡¯s sweater.¡± ¡°Is that you hitting on me?¡± There¡¯s a pause. Shit, I fucked up, didn¡¯t I? I got cocky. I shouldn¡¯t have said that. I¡¯m stupid. ¡°Don¡¯t know yet.¡± ¡°Uh, sorry,¡± ¡°Are you joining your sister at Columbia when you graduate?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think so. I¡¯ve always been into retro and indie fashion. I think I want to start a company someday.¡± For the first time, his eyes move down to my body. It makes me feel insecure. I want to cover up. ¡°You have a good eye. I¡¯m sure you can do it.¡± ¡°Thanks,¡± I giggle. ¡°I¡¯m serious. You¡¯re not insecure about yourself. That alone will help you accomplish your dreams. ¡°I am. I¡¯m insecure about a lot of things.¡± ¡°Sure, everyone is,¡± Soran stands up, ¡°but you don¡¯t let it define you.¡± Soran¡¯s words are powerful. I¡¯m not sure what he says is true. He barely knows me. All he¡¯s doing is trying to appeal to my interest to let my guard down, or he¡¯s being genuine. I don¡¯t know what to believe. What would Cody do? No. I can¡¯t think like that. Soran isn¡¯t Cody. ¡°Do you want to go for a walk?¡± he asks. ¡°Yeah. I¡¯d like that,¡± I answer. 24. Emily IV: Central Park Emily IV February ¡°I¡¯m going to see Dad over summer break. Want to come with?¡± Jerrica asks me in the morning. ¡°Will Mom even let me?¡± Jerrica rolls her eyes. ¡°You¡¯re not in a prison, Ems. I already asked her, said it¡¯s fine.¡± ¡°Then yeah, I¡¯ll go. I won¡¯t miss Gracie¡¯s big 15 birthday party now.¡± ¡°Can I come?¡± ¡°Sure.¡± ¡°So, what are you heading off to this fine Saturday morning? - Soran is unlike anyone I¡¯ve ever met. Even if he¡¯s just a year older than me, he doesn¡¯t act like it. He carries himself well. Every word he says is with purpose. Soran has shown me what or who a man is supposed to be. There is no questioning or wondering of what his intentions are. They¡¯re all so clear. He¡¯s not a headfuck. I, however, am. It¡¯s made crystal by how I act around him. I feel like such a little girl; so immature. We¡¯ve been spending a lot of time together since that night. I¡¯ve gotten to know him a lot better because of it. I always thought he was far out of my league just by the way he acts. Like how I once thought, he seemed so confident and intimidating to ever talk to; someone who thinks they¡¯re better than everyone else. The only true thing about that is his confidence. Soran has only asked once if I liked him. I dodged the question and he hasn¡¯t asked since. His intentions are clear. He spends time with me because he doesn¡¯t mind my company. I might not know everything about the things he talks about, but he doesn¡¯t mind explaining things to me if I ask. He¡¯s patient, kind, and a natural leader. I¡¯m nothing compared to him, yet he still finds me attractive. Soran wants me to be his girlfriend. He asked me. He still waits for an answer. ¡°Have you ever been to a Barcade?¡± He asks in his intoxicating mixed Middle East and Russian accent. ¡°That¡¯s where we¡¯re going tonight.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not 21 yet,¡± I answer with his hand joined with mine. We¡¯re walking out of Central Park, finishing my nightly routine of walking around it. Soran¡¯s been joining me more and more often yet refuses to call them dates. Wherever we¡¯re going tonight, that¡¯ll be a date, our tenth. We haven¡¯t even kissed yet. ¡°That¡¯s alright, the owner is a good friend of mine,¡± he says while signaling for a taxi. ¡°And here I thought you were against being privileged,¡± I joke. ¡°I never said that. I said that I don¡¯t let it define me, as you shouldn¡¯t either.¡± A car that isn¡¯t yellow pulls up but rather a silver Sedan with a U sticker on the windshield. ¡°That¡¯s not a taxi.¡± ¡°My father recently invested in a ridesharing company called Uber. It¡¯s much cheaper than taxis.¡± ¡°Rich people,¡± I sigh as Soran opens the door for me. ¡°Don¡¯t josh me, Emily, greed is not a good look on me,¡± he chuckles when he gets in from the other side. Everyone I ever met has learned to call me by my nickname. For whatever reason, Soran is the only one who still doesn¡¯t. ¡°Yeah you¡¯re right, my lips would be better,¡± I say like I have the balls to kiss him. Ten dates and he hasn¡¯t kissed me either. I¡¯m starting to think he¡¯s just waiting for me to make the first move. Or maybe he¡¯s much shyer than he shows. I get my answer regardless when he says, ¡°Not until I get your answer.¡± Right, I forgot who I¡¯m talking to. Soran doesn¡¯t repeat himself. He wants me to admit to him that I share the same feelings he has. I¡¯m not sure if that¡¯s controlling or if he¡¯s just that confident. Either way, it¡¯s so hot. He doesn¡¯t ask, just does. Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work! The Barcade is just like every other date we had, just with drinks included this time. Soran might act, talk, and appear much more mature than his age, but he throws all that away when we play our dumb little arcade games. Another thing I have up on him is how well I hold my liquor. I¡¯m a product of Darkwood. It takes a lot, something Soran never believed until I started to outdrink him. He cuts himself off when he feels himself getting drunk. Several drinks later, I just grin at him when I finish what he couldn¡¯t. ¡°Wow, where does it all go?¡± he says as if he¡¯s impressed but deep down it just makes me insecure. This isn¡¯t how a girl is supposed to act. Fuck, where did that thought come from? I¡¯ve never conformed to gender norms. I follow them, but I never once thought that¡¯s how I should act. I always did what I wanted regardless of what the norms were. Sometimes they just happened to align with my interests, sometimes they didn¡¯t. That¡¯s how I have always been. I¡¯m not the one to wear revealing dresses and cute girly outfits so I can get the attention of others. I like oversized jackets and sweats, bell-bottom jeans, skirts, and boots. Hell, I wear overalls, flannels, and skater shoes at times. Who have I been becoming since moving here? Soran smiles, ¡°doubting yourself again?¡± Once again I question if he can read minds or not. ¡°Don¡¯t, you¡¯re fine just the way you are,¡± he says before I can answer. His speech is a bit jarred. The boy¡¯s drunk while I¡¯m barely tipsy. ¡°Fiiiine the way you are,¡± he says, elongating fine this time. ¡°Can you read my mind?¡± ¡°No,¡± he sits upright from the bar counter. ¡°You give yourself away too easily.¡± ¡°Am I that obvious?¡± ¡°Nobody has told you?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Then let me be the first,¡± he laughs. ¡°Or maybe just around me, I¡¯m not sure yet.¡± I know I don¡¯t act like myself around him, that much is obvious. If my facial expression is that easy to read, I wonder just how much I¡¯ve given away to everyone else. Then that would mean¡­Elizabeth knew what I was doing to her. ¡°I would like to hear what¡¯s on your mind.¡± ¡°Remember when I told you about Elizabeth? How we all felt guilty for her death and how I thought she was jealous of me, driving her mad?¡± ¡°Of course.¡± ¡°What if those thoughts are true then? I used to hate her for stealing my spotlight in the group. She became the center of attention so quickly that it left me bitter. Maybe Ellie knew all along. She knew all along and took everything to spite me. I tried my hardest to make her jealous and insecure. I purposely tried to make her anxious.¡± ¡°Now what good does that line of thinking do?¡± ¡°Wha-¡± ¡°There is no point in mulling over the past, Emily.¡± ¡°But it was my jealousy that tried to pull her away from-¡± ¡°Is there anything you can do about it now?¡± ¡°Well no, but-¡± ¡°You are not responsible for the decisions of others,¡± Soran takes hold of my hand, gently cupping it against my heart. ¡°Just as you are not responsible for her death,¡± he whispers and it calms me. ¡°The dead don¡¯t speak,¡± he says. The dead don¡¯t speak. Soran¡¯s right. There¡¯s no point in thinking about it anymore. Elizabeth did what she did. It doesn¡¯t matter why. Nobody will ever get their closure and that¡¯s okay. We all played a part in her death. Andrew gave her the drugs. Sara showed her that they''re fun. Cody headfucked her into madness. I made her jealous enough to start the spiral. And Chris stood by and let it all happen probably knowing where it was all heading. And no one suffered more than the innocence of Grace. Soran drops me off in front of my townhome. The date went well but I got lost in my negative thoughts. I¡¯m sure it shows even though I try to hide it the best I can. He grabs hold of my hands and pulls me into him. At first, I think, this is it, this is where we kiss. But we don¡¯t. He wraps my arms around his body, giving me a hug I so desperately need. ¡°You¡¯ll be alright. You just need to find yourself,¡± he says. ¡°Most guys wouldn¡¯t bother at this point. They would just leave.¡± Soran chuckles, ¡°Clearly they haven¡¯t met you yet.¡± ¡°What¡¯s so special about me?¡± ¡°Nothing.¡± My head rests exactly where his heart is. It beats calmly. It¡¯s not raised like mine. When his words register, mine start to slow. I¡¯ve never been told that before. I¡¯ve always been special, everyone said so. It¡¯s what makes me, me. That¡¯s never been the case has it? That¡¯s just what I always wanted to hear. Nobody in the entire world has been real to me. ¡°That¡¯s why I can wait. That¡¯s why I don¡¯t mind giving you time. It¡¯s why I¡¯ve been falling in love with you.¡± Love. Love. Love. ¡°Soran, do you want to come inside?¡± I feel his head shake, ¡°Not until you are ready, Emily.¡± I think I finally understand what C- I understand what it means when dead dont speak. In the distance, I hear thunder strike. It¡¯s not raining, the skies are clear and it hasn¡¯t even come close to being cloudy in a few days. And yet, the loud roar of a storm still reached my ears. I¡¯m not resposible for Elizabeth¡¯s death. It¡¯s not my guilt to bear. I can¡¯t take back the actions that I did. I have to let it go. I can¡¯t go on searching for answers. I¡¯m not that person. I¡¯m not special. I¡¯m too insecure, too weak, and have too many flaws to count. I¡¯ve always been and will be human. This entire time I thought I was living as the main character of my little world, but that¡¯s never been the case, has it? I think my relationship with Cody has been twisted before Elizabeth ever got involved. I was just using her as an excuse to hold onto something that was always slipping away. I never had the confidence that Ellie ever did. I think she never did either. I was jealous of her and she was jealous of me. I don''t understand why she tried to be my friend so badly if she hated me. I could just ask her. But the dead don¡¯t speak. They¡¯re too busy screaming. 25. Grace IV: Comeback Kid Grace IV March I visit the Grave once more. Lots have changed since then. Cody and I are like best friends. Sara is living with me now. I hang out with Carlos and Alyssa during lunch now. I¡¯m getting the things I always wanted; friends. I¡¯m not bullied anymore and people even talk to me in class now. Somehow, that still isn¡¯t enough. I think I was happier when Sara and Emily were my best friends. Sara often wakes me up at night when she screams from night terrors. Sometimes they¡¯re faint, sometimes they¡¯re loud enough to drill through my ears. I try my best to go to her side and calm her down, but I don''t even know what to say or what to do. The best I can do is hold her hand and assure her everything is fine. My mom is who manages to calm Sara down the fastest if she''s home. My mom is by Sara''s side before I get a chance to get up from bed. I can always hear her desperate voice trying to calm Sara down. After a while, all I hear is Sara¡¯s cries followed by silence. It¡¯s been like this ever since she moved in. I put up with it because it¡¯s Sara, but it does annoy me. She hasn¡¯t been herself since she¡¯s been out of the hospital. She isn¡¯t the person who I¡¯ve become friends with. Sara rarely leaves her room, only to go to school and even then she doesn¡¯t do that sometimes. The threats of being kicked out are what stop her from missing school entirely. I can¡¯t even tell if they¡¯re empty or not. Mom is strict with her, not cruel. She even changed her shifts around to try to be home at night more just for Sara¡¯s night terrors. I¡¯m not even sure how I feel about that. I just want things to go back to the things they were. - I tell Elizabeth everything as if she could hear me. It¡¯s comforting that I can talk and have someone listen, even if that person is dead. I¡¯ve grown to like this place. It warms me. Elizabeth warms me. Here, she¡¯s still the golden beacon of Darkwood, uncorrupted by it. A familiar face shows up, one that I haven¡¯t seen in a while. It¡¯s Felix, the man I met when I first visited here. ¡°It¡¯s nice to see you again, Grace,¡± he says. ¡°Thank you for keeping her company.¡± ¡°No problem. Felix, right? You haven¡¯t been around.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t have much time these days. My business has been growing too fast for me to keep up,¡± he chuckles. ¡°How have you been?¡± ¡°Well, I guess. I don¡¯t have much time to do the things I like either. Finals are coming up.¡± ¡°You¡¯re graduating?¡± I giggle, ¡°Most people think I¡¯m graduating from middle school. I don¡¯t look the part. Felix walks in front of me and kneels. I watch him place a blue flower on her grave. ¡°You look a lot different since we first met. I say you look the part now.¡± ¡°Thanks.¡± ¡°What do you like to do for fun? Elizabeth and I used to just drive around town a lot. She liked it, thought it was fun to waste gas.¡± ¡°Oh, uh, well. I don¡¯t. Video games. Anime. That sort of stuff?¡± ¡°What video games?¡± No one has asked me that before. That¡¯s why I never specify. ¡°League of Legends,¡± I answer. If I were to tell people that, I would be even more of an outcast. ¡°Oh,¡± Felix¡¯s face lights up. ¡°Me too. What¡¯s your username, let¡¯s play together. I¡¯m a Jungler.¡± ¡°Oh uh. Um. No thanks. Spelt Nothxs. I¡¯m Mid. Ahri, one trick.¡± Felix gets up, sighing in relief. ¡°For a moment there I thought I just got rejected,¡± he laughs. ¡°It¡¯s hard to find people to play with at my age.¡± ¡°How old are you?¡± ¡°Twenty-Three, 24 in a few weeks.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not even that old!¡± Felix laughs. ¡°Yeah, but it''s hard to make friends after college.¡± Felix types on his phone, ¡°We¡¯ll play. I¡¯m quite good too.¡± ¡°How did you meet Elizabeth?¡± I ask. It¡¯s odd that Elizabeth would ever be friends with this guy who¡¯s at least five years older than she was. Although, I guess she was super popular so that¡¯s a dumb question to even ask. Now I just feel stupid. ¡°Her brother and I used to be friends.¡± ¡°Oh, I met him once.¡± The memory of Matt leaves a sour taste in my mouth. It¡¯s the taste of blood again, just like that night when she- ¡°Then you can guess why I said used to. Elizabeth and I kept in touch. She was like a little sister to me in a way. She always came to me when she had problems.¡± ¡°I see.¡± ¡°But that time has passed.¡± Of course, it has. I can¡¯t even imagine the impact she had on people I haven¡¯t even met yet. I wonder just how much influence she had. All I¡¯m left with is the bitter taste of never finding my closure. I¡¯ve been learning to deal with it. The therapy I went for helped me through it. It¡¯s been a while since I''ve gone, mostly because I¡¯m over it. I¡¯m told the trauma will forever be with me, I just have the tools to handle it now. It¡¯s something that¡¯s a part of me. It¡¯s a part of who I am. ¡°I have to go now. It¡¯s nice seeing you again, Grace. I¡¯m sure whatever you¡¯re feeling now will pass. I see a lot of Elizabeth in you, who knows,¡± he chuckles. ¡°Maybe you¡¯ll shine just as bright.¡± His words stick to me as I walk back into the forest; towards the treehouse as the sun starts to set. The road there is muddy but nothing I haven¡¯t prepared for. The ground still hasn¡¯t dried up from the big storm we got a couple of nights ago. It was the biggest one I¡¯ve ever been a part of. It felt like the rain could tear through the roof of my house at any moment. Even the lightning felt as if it was striking right next to me. It was scary but a bit fascinating. The creek leading to the treehouse is twice its size now, gushing out water through it as if it¡¯s now a river. It takes me a while to figure out how to get across. In the end, I use a stick to give me balance while I lung toward the stone I use to hop across. Once I get to the clearing, the treehouse is gone. The giant tree that once held it is now scattered on the ground, broken into hundreds of pieces. There¡¯s nothing left. The wooden planks that made up the tiny house are broken and scattered just as much as the tree is. All that¡¯s left is the massive trunk nearly split in the middle but obviously lopsided to where the rest of it fell. The smell of burning wood still lingers. Standing in front of it is Cody. He¡¯s holding a bundle of polaroids, some of which are still on the ground around him, burnt and wet. This is where he¡¯s been all day, the reason why he hasn¡¯t been answering my texts. ¡°What happened?¡± I ask him but he just ignores me. Again, it was a stupid question to ask. I already know the answer. I don¡¯t dare say anything else. I know just how much this place means to him. I can¡¯t even imagine what¡¯s going on in his head right now. The most I can do now is be with him. One day he¡¯ll realize that I¡¯m someone he can open up to. Just then, I get a text from Emily. It¡¯s been a couple of weeks since I heard from her. ¡°I¡¯m coming home for the summer! ??¡± I look up to Cody. I wonder if he knows. I should tell him, but, I don''t want to. I don''t want Emily to hog all his attention again. He finally doesn''t think about her all the time. After a little while, his phone gives out a notification. It¡¯s the only different sound from every other message he gets. This pulls him out of his trance and he takes out his phone to read it. He doesn¡¯t say anything either but just stares at it. It''s from Emily. Once the sun¡¯s light finally disappears, Cody turns to me and says, ¡°You said you were bored right? right?¡± ¡°Y-yeah.¡± ¡°Let¡¯s go then.¡± This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. - The second I entered the party, it was already too much. The music is too loud and the living room is too crowded. People are laughing with each other in a corner and a couple is making out in another. In the middle people are gathered around a table with rolled-up dollar bills and multiple white lines lined up on plates. The attention is turned to us as people recognize that Cody just arrived. I can see most of it comes from the girls in the room. Carlos comes out of nowhere to greet us with a grin on his face and his pupils dilated to the max. ¡°Cody! Never thought you would show up! Yo, have you seen Chris? He hasn¡¯t been around lately, I miss my medicine man. Tell him I need some shrooms when you see him." Cody shakes his head, ¡°He¡¯s doing Chris things, you know how it is,¡± ¡°Right,¡± Carlos laughs. We follow him to the kitchen where the drinks are kept. Cody doesn¡¯t waste any time pouring himself some shots of whiskey. In the meantime, Alyssa comes up to me to say high. She mentions that I should dress better for these things. ¡°It was in the spur of the moment,¡± I answer. ¡°Oh well, I like it. It''s you.¡± she giggles. ¡°Want a drink?¡± I nod my head happily. While I do cheers with Alyssa, Cody is taken away by some girls. I forget that he¡¯s popular here. Why wouldn¡¯t he be? All the freshman girls have a crush on him, myself included. He doesn''t give anyone any attention at school, but at these parties he does. ¡°You¡¯re Grace, right?¡± my attention is adverted to what¡¯s in front of me. It¡¯s two girls who are in one of my classes. ¡°I¡¯m Tina,¡± the one with the colorful purple and blue hair says. ¡°This is Liz,¡± she motions to her brunette hair friend. ¡°Hi,¡± I answered weakly. ¡°I thought you weren¡¯t one for parties, we never see you in them,¡± Liz says. ¡°But to show up to the biggest one of the year, with Cody nonetheless, that¡¯s so cool.¡± ¡°Yeah, he never gives anyone the time of day. How¡¯d you get him to talk to you? You guys hang out every day.¡± ¡°Um, I don¡¯t know. Luck I guess.¡± ¡°No way! Maybe you¡¯re not the dork everyone says you are.¡± I¡¯m not sure why I¡¯m nervous. I look up to Alyssa who¡¯s not even paying attention. She¡¯s talking to some guy but looks over when she catches me looking at her. She smiles at me and gives me a pat on the back. Isn¡¯t this what I wanted? I can finally get friends my age. This is it. These are the first steps to being popular at school. I can¡¯t squander this moment. ¡°I¡¯m not! Everyone just says that cuz nobody ever gave me a chance. Cody did.¡± The two girls are grinning at me, eager to be my friend. My heart flutters. - Throughout the night, I get drunker and drunker. I don¡¯t even drink much but I¡¯m not used to it. I hang out with Tina and Liz most of the night as she introduces me to everyone else that they¡¯re friends with. I often catch myself looking for Cody to see what he¡¯s doing. I usually find him talking to some of his friends, but this time I- He takes the hand of one of the senior girls and leads her upstairs. His eyes meet mine before they disappear upwards. I quickly excuse myself and head towards the bathroom. It¡¯s all blurry. My vision is a blur, my thoughts are a blur and now my tears start to blur on the ground. Fuck, I hate this. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. I can¡¯t even put my thoughts together. Then I realize that I¡¯m drunk. I don¡¯t know how much time passes. It feels like an eternity as my heart is slowly getting ripped out of my body. I thought I was getting close. Emily messaged him something bad earlier. It''s the only reason why he''s here now. I was planning on making my move now that he''s vulnerable. It¡¯s been months. MONTHS. And the first thing he does with a girl is hook up with some rando. This entire semester I have been having daydreams, ones where Cody and I live a happy life together; where he finally confesses, and we kiss and then we have sex. The one where I lose my virginity to him and then we marry and then have kids. That¡¯s all been a delusional expectation I made up in my head. I don¡¯t give myself time to cry about it anymore. I stare Cody down once he makes his way back downstairs. I watch as Carlos congratulates him with a fist bump. I watch as his eyes meet mine and I know he can feel my disgust. I know he can feel my hatred. FUCK HIM. A fight breaks out in front of him, pushing him away and causing our eyes to disconnect. A body falls in front of him, blocking him from moving any further. He gives one look at Andrew, who¡¯s the one fighting. It¡¯s a look of indifference. It''s always tense whenever the two are near each other. I was thinking that Cody was going to fight Andrew again since he''s in a bad mood. That doesn''t happen and Cody moves out of the way. Andrew gets on top of the guy he¡¯s fighting and just starts pummeling him. He¡¯s been unhinged for a while now. This isn¡¯t new. Nobody invites him to parties anymore. Nobody puts up with his bullshit anymore. Nobody likes him. Once he¡¯s done, he gets up and starts laughing. Someone picks up the other guy. This isn''t the first time it''s happened. At first, people would fight back, but now know it¡¯s not worth getting sent to the hospital. Everyone he decides to fight knows to just guard and hope Andrew gets bored. This is what happened just now. Andrew looks over to me and grins. ¡°Fucking Gracie made it!¡± He screams. He pushes everyone else away just to get in front of me. ¡°Never thought you had it in you, freshfuck.¡± ¡°Shut the fuck up, Andrew.¡± ¡°Fair enough,¡± he laughs. ¡°It¡¯s been a while. Where¡¯d you been? You don¡¯t hang out with Sara and me no-more. Been missing ya!¡± ¡°Sara doesn¡¯t hang out with you, you just tag along.¡± Sara doesn¡¯t hang out with anyone. She doesn''t even spend her lunch with me. She spends it all on her own which Andrew joins most days. Sara never talks to him and Andrew doesn''t let that deter him from not bothering her. ¡°Well your mom doesn¡¯t let me in your house, how the fuck am I gonna spend time with my sis?¡± She doesn¡¯t let him because she¡¯s heard all the rumors about him. Andrew is part of the reason why my mom took Sara in. Mom won¡¯t take any chances of having Sara relapse. ¡°Don¡¯t ignore me.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not.¡± ¡°Want a kiss?¡± ¡°Ew. No,¡± I¡¯ve pulled away. ¡°Leave her alone, Andrew.¡± Alyssa steps in. ¡°Since when did you guys get chummy?¡± ¡°A while, now go.¡± Andrew clicks his tongue, ¡°Ay Grace, remember when you were peaking on me and Alyssa doing the nasty? Shit was hot right?¡± Alyssa pushes Andrew, ¡°We never fucked. God, you¡¯re such a dick. Don¡¯t make me kick you out, Andrew. You¡¯re only here because you said you¡¯ll behave.¡± Andrew looks over to the guy he just beat up, ¡°Right because I was so well-behaved since I got here.¡± Alyssa crosses her arms. ¡°I thought you still had good in you,¡± she says under her breath. ¡°I guess I was wrong.¡± Andrew glares at her, then smirks. ¡°Fine, I¡¯ll leave her alone.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± But before he goes, Andrew turns back and says, ¡°I can show you a real rager Grace, if you¡¯re up for it.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t listen to him,¡± Alyssa reminds me. - I¡¯m not sure when or how but I¡¯m sitting down on a chair somewhere outside. I think it¡¯s the backyard. To my left is one of those chained tables that¡¯s always in playgrounds. Someone is passed out on the ground on the other side. The sky above me is spinning. I haven¡¯t been this drunk since¡­ Fuck. I don¡¯t want to think about that. I don¡¯t even know how I ended up here. No one is coming to get me. No one is coming to check up on me. Not even Cody, he doesn¡¯t care about me. Everything I want, I can¡¯t have. It sucks. I¡¯m starting to think anybody I call a friend doesn¡¯t care about me. I noticed when Megan bullied me at one of the parties Emily took me to. She didn¡¯t come to stop it. She didn¡¯t even come to check up on me. Cody said she sent him, but was that really true? Not even Sara feels like my friend anymore. She¡¯s more of a roommate. I¡¯m sure Cody is only my friend because Emily asked him to, not because he wants to. ¡°You okay?¡± a voice says. I don¡¯t know what¡¯s missing. Am I that ugly? Am I boring? Is everyone really that afraid of me? I overheard someone saying to their friend that they should avoid me; that I¡¯m cursed. I am cursed. I felt it ever since I knew I was alive. That¡¯s why I never had any friends growing up. That¡¯s why I¡¯ve been bullied my whole life. It¡¯s why Elizabeth died in front of me. It¡¯s why Sara almost died. It¡¯s why Emily is now in New York. If I stick around, I wonder what¡¯s going to happen to Cody. ¡°Yo, cursed girl. Wake up.¡± My eyes open. A boy is kneeling in front of me examining me. I think we share a class together. ¡°What¡¯d you call me?¡± He chuckles. ¡°I don¡¯t believe what they call you, in case you wanna tell me to fuck off.¡± ¡°Well you can,¡± I laugh. Shit, it¡¯s actually so funny. The boy laughs too. ¡°Fine, alright.¡± ¡°No, stay.¡± He sighs. ¡°Okay, mind if I sit?¡± I shake my head and watch him sit on the empty chair next to the table. ¡°I don''t think you ever told me your name, I¡¯m Alex.¡± ¡°Hi, Alex, I¡¯m drunk,¡± I laugh. He does too. ¡°I¡¯m Grace. Grace the exiled! Are you drunk?¡± Alex chuckles again. ¡°Sort of but not as bad as you. Grace, the exiled, that''s a cool name, sort of like my sister, an outcast.¡± ¡°What¡¯ca want, Alex?!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± he sighs. ¡°Guess I¡¯m bored.¡± ¡°That your drink?¡± I point at the cup he¡¯s been holding the entire time. Alex nods, ¡°Gimme!¡± ¡°You''re pretty funny¡± he laughs when I gulp down whatever he''s been drinking. "I think we should be friends." - My eyes open to the sound of the car Cody borrowed from his brother starting. I rub my eyes, still dizzy from everything I drank tonight. My house isn¡¯t far from Alyssa¡¯s, we live on the same north side. At least I know that I''ll get home safe. I have never not been safe with Cody. My eyes close again, trying to fall back asleep. The car stops at one point. Thinking I¡¯m home, I try to open my eyes but they¡¯re glued shut. The faint sound of the rain relaxes me further after Cody rolls down his window. ¡°What the hell are you doing walking in the rain?¡± Cody asks. No one answers. He sighs and says, ¡°Do you need a ride home?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± a girl¡¯s voice says. It¡¯s one that I¡¯ve heard before but I don¡¯t recognize. Great. Another girl. She opens the back door and sits behind Cody. "Thanks," she says. ¡°Look,¡± Cody says after a long silence. ¡°I know it hurts but you have to come back to us at some point.¡± There¡¯s no response. The throbbing in my head gets louder and I adjust myself to get more comfortable, groaning in the process. Cody always has a girl readily available for him whenever he wants. Fuck him. I hate him. ¡°I-Fuck you," I think I say out loud. ¡°Ignore that.¡± - The car stops and the backdoor opens again. ¡°I loved her, Cody,¡± the girl says. ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever get over it.¡± Cody sighs. ¡°Do you think this is what she would want for you?¡± ¡°You don''t know what she told me the last time I saw her...¡± Cody sighs. "Have you told anyone?" "No. I''ll keep it that way. Just let me grieve in peace." ¡°Goodnight, Jana.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not my name.¡± ¡°Right, sorry, F-¡± I black out again. - ¡°Gracie, we¡¯re here,¡± Cody nudges me awake. He sighs and I let him get me out of the car. He wraps my arm over his shoulder and leads me to walk, somewhere. ¡°Hmm, Cody.¡± He¡¯s all I want. It¡¯s all I wanted since the day I first saw him. ¡°Yeah?¡± I bonk my head to find his. I don¡¯t care anymore. I feel his nose brush against mine then I feel my lips kiss his cheek. I miss. Cody stops and pulls his head away. It was just a peck, but it was enough. ¡°You¡¯re drunk.¡± ¡°Does it matter?¡± I hear him sigh and we start walking again. ¡°It¡¯s not that simple.¡± I try to push him away but he doesn¡¯t let me. I open my eyes and the ground in front of me is spinning in circles. ¡°Why not?!¡± He doesn''t answer. ¡°You fucked that girl tonight.¡± ¡°Is that what you think? ¡± ¡°She won''t come back y''know. ¡± I feel myself stumble then my legs give up. Cody catches me before I fall. "You have to move on eventually." Am I that ugly? There¡¯s a knock. "This is why I didn''t want to bring you. It only gets worse," A sigh of relief. ¡°Thank you, Cody, for bringing her back, I¡¯ve been worried sick. She didn''t-¡± ¡°She just drank too much.¡± My body falls onto my Mom. ¡°Please don¡¯t let her sneak off like that next time." My body flops onto my bed. ¡°I left ibuprofen, water, and Gatorade for when you wake up.¡± Somewhere along the night, Sara¡¯s scream crushes my ears from both sides. 26. Grace V: La Ni?a Grace V It''s the last day of school and Andrew slams his hands on top of the cafeteria table. ¡°Fucking hell, you look like you need a little bit of Andrew fucking Mera in your life, Gracie-cakes.¡± I put down my phone face down, never sending the text to Cody. ¡°What do you want?¡± Andrew sits in front of me. ¡°I got a rave tonight, You down? It ain¡¯t nothing like you''ll ever experience, promise.¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you find getting drunk or high boring? Fuck man, that shit¡¯s for losers.¡± ¡°Anything you do is for losers.¡± Andrew slams his face on the table and sighs. ¡°Everyone¡¯s so fucking boring. You¡¯re boring. Aren¡¯t you bored?¡± Yes. Sara sits downs next to me. It¡¯s one of the rare few times where she does. Actually, I think she only does it whenever Andrew¡¯s around. The only ones missing now are Chris, Emily, and Cody. It would be just like the old days. ¡°Stop bothering her, Andrew.¡± ¡°Yes, dearest,¡± Andrew sits upright. ¡°Where¡¯s Cody? Y¡¯know what, don¡¯t answer that. I don¡¯t feel like getting punched today.¡± ¡°Maybe you shouldn¡¯t antagonize him,¡± Chris says, joining us. It¡¯s been a while since I¡¯ve seen him. He stopped hanging out with us less and less as the weeks go by. ¡°Or maybe you shouldn¡¯t have tried to sleep with Emily.¡± ¡°Last day of school and the enigma shows up,¡± Andrew grins. ¡°What¡¯s up man,¡± the two share a handshake. ¡°How¡¯s the chem life going?¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know?¡± ¡°Nah man, they don¡¯t tell me shit,¡± he laughs. ¡°I¡¯m doing a few runs tonight with Sessions, maybe I¡¯ll ask ¡®em.¡± Sara shifts around her bag and pulls out an empty small bag dirtied with white spots everywhere. ¡°Andrew, I found this when I was cleaning out my locker.¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t you supposed to be clean?¡± ¡°I am.¡± ¡°So why not throw it away.¡± ¡°I tried. Every time I tried, I couldn¡¯t. It''s better if you do something with it. And please don¡¯t talk about those things when I¡¯m around.¡± Andrew takes the bag and puts it in his jacket pocket, ¡°Yeah, So-Sure.¡± ¡°You¡¯ve been well, Sara?¡± Chris asks. ¡°Yeah, I have. Grace¡¯s mom keeps me in check. What about you, I feel like I haven¡¯t seen you in a while.¡± ¡°I haven¡¯t been around,¡± he chuckles. ¡°I¡¯m just glad the white iris blooms the darkness towards light.¡± Andrew laughs, but Sara looks at him like she just saw a ghost. As for me? I just want this last day of school to end. - Mom is home for once after school. I must have missed her telling me that today was her day off. ¡°You excited for summer?¡± Mom asks Sara. They¡¯re talking in the kitchen where I can¡¯t see them. Mom doesn¡¯t even say hi to me. ¡°Senior Year is a big deal.¡± ¡°Yeah, no. I can¡¯t wait to spend it all locked away in my room.¡± Mom doesn¡¯t say anything for a second. ¡°Not if I have to say anything about it. We can watch movies together, I¡¯m an avid film watcher. It¡¯s not good for you to be locked anyways.¡± ¡°Says who?¡± ¡°Birds born in a cage, think flying is an illness. Do you know who said that?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°A man called Alejando Jodorowsky. A filmmaker psychotherapist. Brilliant man.¡± ¡°So?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sending you to therapy as soon as I save up a bit. It¡¯ll probably be in the middle of Summer but soon. Now that Grace¡¯s sessions are over, I think it¡¯s time.¡± There¡¯s silence, then, ¡°Okay.¡± I give it a few more seconds before I announce that I¡¯m home. Mom peeks her head out and tells me that she¡¯s making chicken parmesan. Sara at that time comes out and heads upstairs to her room. There¡¯s not a word from her, she doesn¡¯t even look at me. Mom doesn¡¯t even ask me about my day like she always does. She doesn¡¯t even try to talk to me when I take over the living room to watch anime. She always tells me to turn it off and watch it in my room, but that hasn¡¯t been happening. It¡¯s like she¡¯s paying more attention to Sara than me. Everything has been pissing me off lately. School sucks. Mom sucks. Cody sucks. I hate it all. - As proof that Mom stopped paying attention to me, she doesn¡¯t even notice when I leave the house at night. Andrew¡¯s shit-eating grin doesn¡¯t fade until I enter his car. I take the time to dry myself off from the five seconds I was outside. I wish I had an umbrella to bring, it¡¯s coming down hard tonight. ¡°My, my, my. I never thought you had the balls,¡± Andrew laughs. ¡°You have no idea what I¡¯m capable of.¡± ¡°You¡¯re right, a rave? You¡¯re crazy.¡± ¡°I¡¯m blowing off steam.¡± ¡°No better place to do it,¡± he chuckles as he starts the engine. Andrew tells me a story of when he and Sara were little. This was before when their Mom died. Their parents took them to Los Angeles, to the beach, and to Universal Studios. He tells me of a time when Sara was a 24/7 walking smile. Andrew was never good at building things, his hands were made for destruction. He was always envious of Sara¡¯s ability to make sandcastles. Andrew would bully her by destroying them but Sara neverminded. She would always make more. That''s who Sara is, the ying to his yang. This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. ¡°You¡¯re weird.¡± Truth be told, I had never seen him talk so calmly before. He didn''t curse once in the entire story. Andrew is always so angry, so angsty. Is he messing with my head right now? Andrew doesn''t keep his eyes off the road. He doesn''t smile. He doesn''t laugh. I think he''s sad. "So why tell me? Is that something I should know?" I ask him. ¡°Nah,¡± he scoffs, ¡°just passing time.¡± - Somewhere just outside of Seattle, in the middle of nowhere, Andrew parks on a hill near some train tracks. The rain is a mild drizzle by now so we¡¯re not getting as drenched as I thought we would be. I follow him down the hill, past a few tracks, and then behind a building. ¡°Where are we going?¡± I finally break the silence and ask. ¡°To the secret underground, Gracie-kin.¡± ¡°I feel like you¡¯re going to get me killed.¡± ¡°Wouldn¡¯t be the first time,¡± he laughs. ¡°It¡¯ll be fun, promise,¡± Andrew motions me to keep up. He pulls something out of his pocket and dips his finger in it then puts it in his mouth. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± ¡°Molly.¡± ¡°Drugs?¡± Andrew snorts and passes me the bag. It¡¯s small with crystal powder inside. ¡°It¡¯s what¡¯s in ecstasy. It¡¯s called MDMA. It¡¯s the purest you can get in the state. What? You want some?¡± ¡°How does it feel?¡± ¡°Lick your finger and take a dip.¡± I do as he says. My pinky finger is covered with what looks like little rocks and I put it in my mouth. ¡°This taste like shit!¡± Like it¡¯s straight salt but covered in dirt. Andrew laughs and gives me a water bottle to drink out of. ¡°Now you¡¯ll really have fun.¡± I forget to give him back the bag. After a minute we arrive at our destination. We¡¯re not the only people coming. We join others as they make their way towards the sound of the bass. It¡¯s under a tunnel near the train tracks. There¡¯s a crowd of people talking just right outside. Inside it¡¯s even more chaotic, there are over 100 people here. Everyone is also dressed in bright colors. The energy is also so different from any party I¡¯ve been to. I can¡¯t put it into words, it''s as if everyone here wants to have a fun night instead of getting fucked up. I¡¯ve always got the impression that parties are filled with sexual energy; not here though. Andrew takes me to the middle of the crowd. I don¡¯t know the genre of music but everyone has their hands in the air or moving side to side. I¡¯m not really feeling the music so I just stand there like the awkward person that I am. Andrew doesn¡¯t do anything either, he''s on his phone texting someone. ¡°Be right back,¡± he says. And just like that he leaves me. I look at the people around me. They¡¯re not paying attention to me, they don¡¯t even know I¡¯m here. They all have smiling faces with eyes glaring at the stage. Up there is just a single guy dj¡¯ing and a bunch of lasers moving all over the place. The lasers are what keep my attention. I feel so out of place. I don''t like it. I don''t know what to do. Andrew comes back shortly after with a smile on his face. He moves along with the music just like everyone else and eventually, it starts getting to me. The music starts to become catchy and I catch myself weaving back and forth. Andrew says something to me but I don¡¯t understand what he says. Then it hits me. A wave of euphoria and sensations travel up and down my body. The lights get brighter, the sound becomes clearer and my breathing feels like I¡¯m taking in air for the first time in my life. I can feel every fiber of my clothes like they''re a warm fuzzy blanket. I am no longer alone here, I¡¯m part of the love everyone here is experiencing. All of the anxiety and nervousness I had before coming is suddenly gone. I want to talk to people, dance with them, and hug them. I feel like a kid again, exactly how I happy I was when she took me to Disneyland. Is this how it feels to not be held back by the constant fear of caring? A man taps on Andrew¡¯s shoulders and says something to him in his ear. Andrew nods and pulls something out of his pocket and the man gives him money as they exchange items. This is a drug deal. That¡¯s so cool. Andrew looks over to me and I grin at him, giving him a thumbs up. The music takes full control over me and soon I¡¯m not in control of my body. Nothing else matters. I don''t care that Andrew leaves me alone again. This time he doesn¡¯t come anytime soon. I lose track of time. I''m tilting my head toward the ceiling because I feel like I''m melting into my own body. It feels so fucking good like the air is pudding. A girl in nothing but a colorful skirt and bra says something to me but the music is too loud for me to listen. She then comes close to my ear and says, ¡°You¡¯re really cute, I love your energy!¡± ¡°Thanks! I love your outfit!¡± The girl¡¯s grinning and then holds out a peace sign. I give her the sign back but when I try to pull my arm down, the girl laughs and pulls it back up. Our fingertips touch, then she makes her hand into a heart shape and turns mine to match hers. She flattens her hand and I follow then she grabs my hand to hold it. With her free hand, she takes one of the bead bracelets she¡¯s wearing and transfers it to my hand. ¡°This is called PLUR. Enjoy the night,¡± and just like that, she leaves. More time passes and I¡¯m getting exhausted and thirsty. A couple notices and hands me a water bottle to drink from. I thank them and they motion for me to keep it. Everyone here is so nice. Everyone is looking out for each other. It¡¯s soon two after midnight and everyone inside is nowhere near quitting. But I¡¯m tired and want to go home. The only problem is that I¡¯ve lost Andrew. Moving through the crowds is a pain and feels like the inside of a furnace. I think I have been looking for half an hour. He isn¡¯t in the central crowd so I give up and go to the areas where only a few people are standing around. I begin to worry. It feels like I searched every inch of this stupid tunnel. I shouldn''t have come. I knew not to trust Andrew but I just wanted something new. Something to keep my mind off things. I finally get a reply from him after dozens of my texts. It¡¯s raining hard again. I find him outside behind one of the abandoned train cars holding a girl against it. I have to get close to tell what he''s doing. He¡¯s fucking her. I just stand there to watch. I¡¯m soaked and I wonder how Andrew and this girl can stand it. But it''s fascinating. The girl is moaning and Andrew grunts her some words I don''t catch. Something in me feels warm inside and raging like a tiger. The distant bass reverberates through my body. The rain feels like silk thread crawling down, holding me, embracing me in its warmth. The intense fire in my heart burns and my lower body starts to twitch with more desire to want whatever this is. ¡°Hmm,¡± he grins, taking notice. His gaze doesn''t divert from me until he finishes. I feel helpless with my hands holding each other near my chest. Andrew zips himself up and grabs hold of the girl¡¯s hand. ¡°Let¡¯s go,¡± he says with a low voice. ¡°How much did you see?¡± He says when we get in the car. ¡°Enough,¡± I answer. ¡°Did you like it?¡± He asks. The girl he just had sex with laughs, ¡°Andrew, who is she? Why¡¯d we stop, I was having a good time.¡± She says in an annoying and slurred voice. ¡°Did you like it?¡± he asks again. I don''t know. I felt so good all over. Being covered in rain felt like being in a ball pen as a five-year-old. I felt lightheaded and my skin sent shivers up my spine just for being there.¡±Yeah¡­¡± I answer. His hand grabs mine and he looks at me with his eyes like no one has ever done. His eyes were pure desire. He puts his hand on my thigh and a shiver of white snow climbs up and down my spine and through my entire body. ¡°Your lipstick is lazy, and your eyes are all hazy,¡± he says softly. He kisses me. A proper kiss, one where I feel him grab my bottom lip with his and it sucks me in. I want more. ¡°Andrewww,¡± the girl in the back seat whines. Andrew doesn''t hesitate to take off my wet shirt. He stares like he¡¯s pretending to be delicate. If I know Andrew, he¡¯s nothing but that. His hands unbuckle my jeans and lower them. The car door opens and I¡¯m pushed into the heavy rain. My upper body hangs and rests on the pavement while my legs are still inside. What is happening? I don¡¯t care. I¡¯m old enough. I¡¯m old enough right? The other girl gets out and takes her shirt off. She gets on top of me and kisses me blocking my head from getting rained on. It¡¯s weird. I don¡¯t like it. Soft hands pull down my panties. I open my legs. Oh god, I want it. Andrew is big, masculine, and knows what he¡¯s doing. Andrew has complete control of the situation and pushes the girl aside. I''m ready. And nothing happens. He could¡¯ve done it. He could¡¯ve done it. He could¡¯ve done it right there, in a dirty parking lot next to his car and under the heavy rain with me completely naked. After he''ll get on with his life and never look back on it and I¡¯ll be just another body for him. I don''t matter to him. Andrew doesn''t care about my feelings. Andrew doesn''t care about anything. Nothing should have stopped him. But he did. He did stop. He did not touch me. He just holds himself over me with his mouth open. His eyes are not his. They''re not Andrew''s. I don''t think they have been for a long time now. He should have fucked me. For some fucked up reason he didn''t. Why didn¡¯t he? 27. Andrew IV: Kereberot Andrew IV Nothing in this world matters anymore. I¡¯ve been alone since Mom died. I never had anyone. It¡¯s just been myself and Sara and now Sara isn¡¯t there anymore. She¡¯s around but she¡¯s not herself. She¡¯s empty inside. She¡¯s just like me. Her smile doesn¡¯t pave the way for me anymore. There isn¡¯t a thing that can hold me back now. The ghosts that haunt me no longer exist. My father screams at me demanding that I clean the house now that Sara¡¯s gone. It¡¯s just noise in my ear. The ringing doesn¡¯t stop until he leaves the house, almost breaking the hinges of the front door. I ready my product after he leaves. It¡¯s a big day today. My jaw is still clenched up hard from all the molly I took last night. Shit, I can still feel the intensity of the roll. I¡¯ve probably taken over a gram throughout the night. It¡¯s the only reason why I still haven¡¯t come down. I¡¯m almost tempted to take more to keep the roll going. A fuck it. Why not? But I can''t find the bag. Oh well, must have dropped it somewhere. I pour a fat line of coke on the table and do that instead. Yeah, that¡¯s the hit. - Chris is hard at work in the lab fucking around with his chemicals. This is where everything that comes from Seattle is made. MDMA, LSD, Shrooms, 2C-P, and even regular weed. Everything is moved across the state. We get our Coke from mules running up and down to the Mexican border to trade with the Cartel. It¡¯s good business and it¡¯ll explode once Winter is perfected. From what I¡¯m told, Chris has been improving the Winter replicas but hasn¡¯t recreated the original thing yet. I grab him with his back turned around and fuck around with his hair. I half expected him to tell me to stop but it isn¡¯t him who does. Sessions is the one who places her hand on my shoulder and shakes her head at me. ¡°You¡¯re a downer, aren¡¯t you?¡± She motions to me with her head to follow her. I can¡¯t fucking stand that she can¡¯t communicate clearly. I have no fucking idea why Lyle keeps her around. She¡¯s just a scrawny little girl so it¡¯s hard to believe she¡¯s his right-hand man. I always thought Acid would be it but I¡¯ve learned his nothing more than a glorified bodyguard. Sessions taps on her desk and I drop my backpack on it. She opens it and takes out the stacks of money I made all day. Never once has she counted it. Acid has and so has Lyle, but never her. It¡¯s odd. Out of everyone I¡¯ve met in this organization, she¡¯s the only one who I felt didn¡¯t care about what I had. I haven¡¯t seen her have ill intentions either. Sessions types on her dumb little phone. ¡°Good work, go home, I don''t need anything else.¡± ¡°Nah, I¡¯m good.¡± Sessions shakes her head and I impatiently wait for her to finish typing. ¡°That¡¯s an order. You wouldn¡¯t want to be here in a bit anyways.¡± I scoff, ¡°Whatever. In a year I¡¯ll be sitting where you¡¯re at.¡± Sessions just smiles and it disgusts me. The warehouse doors open and the sound of a pleading man rushes in. It catches the attention of everyone. Lyle¡¯s goons toss the man on the ground and Acid steps on the guy¡¯s head. Lyle himself laughs and gets in front of him and says something. I look over to Sessions who¡¯s biting her lips, disappointed. Chris gets up from his little station. ¡°What do you think you''re doing?¡± ¡°Our job.¡± ¡°Not here. I didn¡¯t spend all that time cleaning this dirty place for you to contaminate everything again. You¡¯ll mess up my work.¡± ¡°And I recall you¡¯re not making any progress. Starting to think your little autistic intelligence isn¡¯t doing us any good.¡± ¡°Nothing is perfected in a day.¡± Lyle sighs and motions his guys to pick up his guest again. ¡°Guess we¡¯ll do it over there then.¡± Lyle walks with his guys toward the back of the warehouse where I¡¯m at. Behind Session¡¯s desk is a door that leads to the other side of the warehouse, the real fucked up one. ¡°Andrew, what a pleasure. Follow us if you would,¡± ¡°Who¡¯s this fucker?¡± I ask. Lyle tips his men to grab hold of the fucker¡¯s hair so his face is lifted up. It¡¯s fucking Matt, Elizabeth¡¯s brother. ¡°Finally found the little shit, thought you want to join in.¡± On the other side of the warehouse is where Lyle¡¯s little weird fetish shows. Unlike the lab where all the drugs are made and packaged, this side is where everything else happens. To be specific, anything that comes in and out happens here. All the workers are girls. All the movers and mules are girls. The only males who work here are enforcers. And every single girl acts like they owe Lyle their life. I never asked. It¡¯s weird, but I just don¡¯t care. Lyle kicks Matt to the ground. ¡°The greatest sin of man is one that disfigures a woman¡¯s grace. Your selfish actions corrupted your sister, Matt. It¡¯s been a while since I met such as beautiful specimen as Elizabeth. Her energy reminded me of much like my Sessions. You took that away from me, and for that, you must be punished.¡± Matt coughs, ¡°Nah man. That wasn¡¯t me. She was already fucked up. She just wanted a stronger high.¡± Lyle grabs hold of Matt¡¯s head through his hair. ¡°What did you give her?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know man! The shit you gave me!¡± ¡°You think I remember?¡± The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡°It was that shitty Winter. The shit you smoke.¡± Lyle looks at the ceiling, clearly annoyed, maybe even mad. ¡°That was meant just for junkies, you idiot. It was meant for you!¡± he sighs and lets go of Matt¡¯s head. ¡°Tell me, what did she say to you? You guys got reunited after a few years. What did you guys talk about?¡± Matt sits up and raises his head. ¡°She was sad and angry. She was having boy problems and her friends didn¡¯t want to give her any more drugs for free. Elizabeth came to me because you didn¡¯t sell her any Winter.¡± ¡°Of course, I wouldn¡¯t sell to her. She wasn''t ready for it.¡± That sentence raises my eyebrow. I¡¯ve had my theory and suspicions but it all connects now. Elizabeth always had a small connection to Lyle, I¡¯ve known that. I just never knew how deep it goes. What does he mean when he said, ¡°Mine?¡± ¡°What else?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know man. She didn¡¯t say much but I could tell she was lonely and scared. Shit, if I was sober I could¡¯ve helped her.¡± ¡°Right, you could¡¯ve,¡± Lyle says right as he kicks Matt''s head, knocking him down. ¡°Andrew, could you do the honor?¡± ¡°To do what?¡± ¡°Do I need to say?¡± Just then, the doors slam open and Sessions barges in. ¡°Yes, my dear?¡± The girl angrily types something on her phone and shows him. It¡¯s from her frustration that I see just how odd this girl is. I¡¯ve never gotten a good look at her actual body she usually hides behind her desk. She¡¯s not a normal albino. Sessions does not walk with confidence. She doesn¡¯t even stand straight. Her body doesn¡¯t even hold normal body weight. What kind of person is mute but not deaf? Sessions is supposed to be this legendary criminal. Sessions is supposed to be dangerous. She''s none of that. Fuck it piques my interest. It gets my dick hard. Sessions then turns to me and shoves her phone to my face. ¡°LEAVE NOW.¡± ¡°Sesh, you don¡¯t have a right to overstep me here. Not after you let that girl go. I¡¯m still pissed about that. You''ve been acting odd lately. Don''t forget your place.¡± Sessions grits her teeth. Oddly, her eyes don¡¯t back down from mine. There¡¯s a scent of sadness coming out. ¡°This isn¡¯t your concern, back down," Lyle raises his voice. Sessions bites her lip and backs off. She signs something to me as if I could understand. The only one who does is Chris although I don¡¯t think anyone except me knows that. That¡¯s all they do when they¡¯re together. Session places her right hand over her chest and rubs it a few times then makes a peace sign and closes it with her thump. That¡¯s what she signs before leaving the room. ¡°Andrew, I don¡¯t like to wait.¡± ¡°Right,¡± I say as I walk in front of Matt. Elizabeth''s brother is on his knees, trembling. He hasn¡¯t said anything this entire time, understanding what¡¯s happening. There¡¯s so much in my head right now. I see now that Elizabeth¡¯s death wasn¡¯t entirely my fault but that does not abstain me from my sins. Those ghosts are gone now. ¡°Please,¡± Matt pleads ever so weakly. I don¡¯t listen. I axe kick him on top of his head, knocking his entire body down. The heel on my boot steps on his neck and I slowly increase its pressure. This isn¡¯t my first time. Hell, I didn¡¯t even feel it in the first place. A thought enters my head. It¡¯s from last night. I stopped myself from fucking Grace. I still can¡¯t fathom why. It was right there. I was weak again. I can¡¯t allow myself to falter like that again. I won¡¯t ever be weak again. Weakness disgusts me. Everything was taken away from me. I don¡¯t fucking have anything to cling to, not even Sara. Fuck, she¡¯s not even Sara anymore. I¡¯m no good. I destroy everything around me. Cody once told me he¡¯s like a forest fire, burning everything he touches. If that¡¯s the case, then I¡¯m a hurricane. I rip through anything and everything. I ease my foot off the neck. Lyle comments on it but I do not listen. I start to stomp on the head as hard as I can. At first, nothing happens. I¡¯m hitting a rock but the more I keep doing it, the softer it gets. The face becomes unrecognizable right as my food feels a crunch. Each kick thereafter gets closer and closer to the floor as the crunch only gets louder. The people around us aren¡¯t even looking except for Lyle who¡¯s grinning. ¡°That¡¯s enough,¡± he says. I wipe my foot on the floor, trying to make it able to stand evenly with my left. All the worker girls that have been walking around have all but stopped and all are staring at me. ¡°I don¡¯t see anything of note for you all to stop working, my loves. I do apologize for the unsightly scenery, I will make it up to you all.¡± My eyes dart back to my foot. There¡¯s nothing. - A tap on my head wakes me up from my slumber. Alyssa stands over me with her finger right in between my eyes. I look down at my chest to make sure my drugs are still on my chest. They¡¯re there, but I¡¯m still not. I¡¯m part way into K-hole from all the ketamine I¡¯ve done. I¡¯m not even sure she¡¯s real. ¡°Come to try and save me yet again?¡± Alyssa¡¯s smile turns frown. ¡°I don¡¯t think there¡¯s someone to save anymore, Andrew. I¡¯m just checking to see if you were alive, that is all. I¡¯ll be seeing you.¡± By the time I manage to sit up, she¡¯s gone. The sun is setting and I can hear all the kids playing down below Darkwood¡¯s hill. It¡¯s peaceful here. It always has been. The peace is just a mask. I know more than anyone just how much of a farce this town is. There¡¯s no saving it. I don¡¯t think there¡¯s been a way to save it since Ellie¡¯s death. It¡¯s all going to burn. - Chris is the next person to find me. Although we don¡¯t talk much I feel like he¡¯s the only person who¡¯ll tolerate me. He sits next to me on top of the hill. ¡°Sara¡¯s back. I¡¯ve been meaning to ask you why you¡¯re still doing stuff for Lyle.¡± ¡°Why are you? You¡¯ve been slaving away and for what?¡± ¡°My selfish interests outweigh the negative.¡± I laugh. ¡°Like what? You had some balls talking back to him today.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have a clue, do you?¡± ¡°Of what?¡± I say taking out a cigarette and a lighter. ¡°Why the fuck would you want to recreate Winter? You know what it does.¡± ¡°Of course I do. It leaves the user open for suggestions and ideas.¡± ¡°The ultimate brainwashing,¡± I chuckle as I light the cigarette. Winter was the instigator of the Civil unrest where the domestic terrorist group or gang or whatever used to be, Golden Hearts, used to cause mass panic and riots all over the country. The world hasn¡¯t seen anything like it. Over a thousand people died and for what? Corruption of government, corruption of the system, and powers at hold? A terrorist attack on democracy is what they called it. A failed attempt at a revolution. A maniac who used the drug to brainwash thousands into thinking there could be a new America. But that''s a thing of the past. It''s been stopped and everyone involved was locked away. Guess they missed a few. ¡°I never said I was making it,¡± Chris smiles. ¡°I have other plans.¡± ¡°Lyle will kill you.¡± ¡°Not before I get what I want.¡± I take a drag of my cigarette. I think this is the first time Chris has expressed the desire to want something. ¡°Do I have to ask?¡± ¡°No,¡± Chris shrugs. ¡°But I am getting a better understanding of who I am and where my place in the world fits. I think I¡¯m coming to an understanding of the things I¡¯m supposed to do. I think you¡¯ll see the things I¡¯ve seen soon too.¡± I laugh again, ¡°I have no fucking idea what you¡¯re talking about.¡± ¡°When the time comes, will you be ready?¡± ¡°I¡¯m always ready.¡± ¡°Not as you are now.¡± I take a long drag of my cigarette and then toss it down the hill. ¡°Don¡¯t you fucking doubt me, Chris. There isn¡¯t a thing in the world I cannot do.¡± ¡°Do you know how to turn a scorpion into a butterfly?¡± ¡°Do you know how to not talk in riddles? Shit man, it¡¯s more annoying than mysterious. It¡¯s not cute anymore, slim.¡± Chris looks up to the sky and smiles. ¡°I¡¯m going to set everyone free, Andrew. I¡¯ll atone for my sin. I¡¯ll atone for knowing exactly what Elizabeth was planning to do, but never stopping it.¡± Chris doesn¡¯t move. His smile holds the certainty that his words are true. I don¡¯t believe a word he says. There was no stopping it. It happened. It¡¯s useless to think we can change anything about it now. There¡¯s no point. She¡¯s just a ghost now. It¡¯s all fucking useless. 28. Andrew V: Young and Stupid Andrew V The oldest couple that lives in Darkwood always eats at the diner every Saturday morning. They¡¯re there until late afternoon as they converse with everyone that comes in. I would say they¡¯re the most well-liked and known people in this town. The Elledges are parents to the family that runs the only church in town so they¡¯re well respected too. I¡¯m the only one who doesn¡¯t give a shit about them so I ignore them as I get into my seat so I can get something in my stomach after being up for a couple of days. The waitress that I¡¯ve been trying to fuck since I was fourteen comes up to me and sighs. I don¡¯t even have to tell her what I want to order; it¡¯s always the same thing. Over easy eggs with hashbrowns and black coffee. It¡¯s been a while since I¡¯ve been free to do what I want. Sessions has given me a few days off. I wish she hadn¡¯t, I¡¯ve been bored stiff. I even tried asking Lyle to give me some work but he said Sessions oversees me directly when it comes to my dealing. That just means I¡¯m now his little service dog when he needs dirty work to be done. It makes me sick. I¡¯ve been reduced to being a bitch. It¡¯s early enough that the only people here are the workers and the two old fucks. Only lunatics are awake during sunrise and come here during this time. Another lunatic comes inside. I don¡¯t pay much attention to them but I see them greet the Elledges through my peripheral vision. The waitress comes back with my coffee and asks, ¡°Give the cooks a couple of minutes but can I get you anything else?¡± ¡°Your number, darlin'',¡± I smirk. The waitress, whose name I never bothered to remember although her name is on her tag, hits me on top of my head with a rolled-up menu. ¡°You¡¯ll never get it, Andrew.¡± ¡°What if I say please?¡± She giggles and looks away. It¡¯s always a good sign. ¡°Maybe after you graduate.¡± ¡°I hold you to that!¡± I yell over as she walks away. That¡¯s when I catch the attention of who just walked in. The first thing I notice is her red hair and my heart sinks as I think it¡¯s Emily. It¡¯s not, yet that split second that I thought it was got me scared. Why the fuck did I get scared? Nah, I didn¡¯t get scared. It was excitement. If she was here then that just means I could fuck with her again. That¡¯ll be fun. That¡¯ll cure my boredom. The woman with red hair comes to my booth. It¡¯s crystal clear that she isn¡¯t Emily. The shade of red is wrong, she¡¯s taller and uglier too. This woman wishes she was her. ¡°Mind if I sit?¡± she takes a seat. ¡°You were quite loud.¡± ¡°Thanks but you can fuck off. You¡¯ll ruin my breakfast¡± ¡°Not really my problem.¡± ¡°Fair enough, what do you want?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I¡¯m visiting and you¡¯re the only thing that¡¯s been interesting so far. What are you having? The mystery woman asks but takes my cup of coffee and drinks it. ¡°Ugh, black.¡± ¡°They only serve black, you add the creamer and sugar yourself, dumbass,¡± I point to all the coffee packets on the side end of the table. ¡°Duly noted. What¡¯s your name? I¡¯m Jerrica.¡± I rest my head on my palm. I thought she would be interesting but she¡¯s a bore just like everyone else. ¡°Andrew. Now major drug dealer.¡± The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement. ¡°Ooh, major. I always wanted to meet one of those,¡± Jerrica mirrors me. ¡°I knew you were interesting.¡± ¡°Look listen, if you ain''t gonna let me fuck or pay for my food, leave me alone.¡± Jerrica rolls her eyes and sits up straight. ¡°Fine, I¡¯ll pay.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t worry, I put out if you pay.¡± I wink. Jerrica laughs, ¡°No shit that actually works with girls. You¡¯re funny, Andrew.¡± ¡°Thanks, but it works more than it should but less than I like.¡± I chuckle. ¡°What are you doing here, Jerrica? No one visits just to visit.¡± ¡°Hmm. Let me be the first. I¡¯m here for summer but I¡¯m not going to say why. And I¡¯m assuming you live here?¡± ¡°More or less. I¡¯m sort of a loose cannon, I go where I please.¡± I take my first look at Jerrica¡¯s clothes. They¡¯re all too expensive to fit in. She stands out if anyone can recognize her brands. Her purse is expensive enough to buy my house. Jerrica is just another rich daddy¡¯s girl looking to get fucked up over the summer. She could buy lots from me. ¡°Am I wearing something wrong?¡± ¡°Nah,¡± I chuckle and take a drink of coffee. I expected to have more inside. ¡°I¡¯m just checking you out to see if you''re worth my time.¡± Jerrica smirks, ¡°Now who¡¯s to say that you¡¯re worth mine?¡± I lean back on my chair, spreading my legs even more open than they already were. ¡°You tell me, you came to me.¡± Jerrica leans forward, too forward, to get a good read on me. Her eyes don¡¯t leave mine. I¡¯m not gonna lie, I don¡¯t find her all that attractive but everything she does is hot. She¡¯s testing me, just as I¡¯m testing her. Whatever¡¯s going on though, I want more of it. She¡¯s finally caught my interest. ¡°You know what I see?¡± She says sitting back in the booth. ¡°You¡¯re hard. You don¡¯t take shit and probably don¡¯t give one either. I get the feeling you¡¯re not lying when you told me you¡¯re a drug dealer. You do what you want and you¡¯re okay with destroying everything on your path of selfishness,¡± She says with the exact same smirk I would wear, then it drops to a frown. ¡°It¡¯s hot but sad,¡± she whispers. ¡°What you took one psychology class and think you can get a read on me? Let me tell you what I see in you.¡± ¡°Please do,¡± ¡°A bored little white girl with unlimited money from daddy with your Burberry purse, your Hugo top which by the way doesn¡¯t match your Alexander pants, and do I need to talk about your Chanel loafers? Back home you would match it all but you think you can come here and relax and not be judged all the time. Except now you¡¯re facing me and I¡¯m telling you look like shit. So don¡¯t think you can come to some shitty ass town and expect to feel better about yourself because you can¡¯t deal with the stress of putting up a mask amongst all your shitty fake friends.¡± Her eyes never once everted mine. ¡°Yeah, you got me. Guilty as charged,¡± she says but I get a hint of sarcasm. ¡°How old are you?¡± ¡°Seventeen.¡± Jerrica finally blinks, ¡°Darn. That¡¯s a damn shame,¡± she says getting up from her seat. ¡°Someone as hot as you sure does deserve me.¡± I stop her from leaving by grabbing her wrist. ¡°I could give no shits how old you are but societal standards don¡¯t give a fuck if I you let me hit.¡± Jerrica laughs, removing my hand from her wrist. ¡°I¡¯m sure I¡¯ll see you around, maybe you can try your luck then.¡± I¡¯m left flabbergasted as Jerrica says bye to the old fucks. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve ever been hit on that hard before. That shit was hot. She went from a four to an eight with just how sure she carried herself. The waitress finally comes with my food and I take my seat again. ¡°Hey, who the fuck was that?¡± ¡°The girl that just left? That¡¯s Jerrica although I haven¡¯t seen her in four years. She must be back in town. Don¡¯t get any funny ideas, she¡¯s too old for you.¡± ¡°And how old is that?¡± ¡°We used to be in the same class so I suppose 22 to 23 We weren¡¯t really close.¡± ¡°Noted.¡± The second I step outside, it starts to drizzle again. It pisses me off. I¡¯m fucking tired of it always raining. At least we have have the summer of drought coming up this year. No more rain for three months again. I can''t wait. I had a fun interaction with that Jerrica girl. It¡¯ll be really funny If I manage to bag her. My phone vibrates. Chris: ¡°All the pieces are almost set.¡± Fucking weirdo. The screeching sounds of sirens blow past me and onto the interstate. They¡¯re moving fast, way too fast. The only reason that would happen is if they needed to go to a major hospital. Something happened again. The winds blow past me and almost knock me down. I sit down. I''m too far gone. 29. Cody V: Quietus Cody V Somberly I sit alone. I sit alone on the base of the broken tree while I stare at what¡¯s left of the old tree house. It feels like all those goddamn happy memories are gone with it. It makes me kind of sad but at the same time, I want to build another one all for myself. I sit alone knowing that I¡¯ve lost the most important person in my life. She hasn¡¯t replied to any messages I made. It¡¯s been like that for a while. It''s been like that since the last text message I received from her. I thought it was going well. I guess I was wrong. It¡¯s as if she vanished along with this tree a few months ago. It¡¯s been ceased of life, never to grant life to another. I still wonder if I made the right choices. - My brother is home for the summer. Travis doesn¡¯t like to come home very often and it¡¯s been about two years since I¡¯ve seen him. Everyone always said we look like twins. I doubt people would say that now. His hair is much longer and in a ponytail and carries a strong beard. If anything I would say he looks more like our dad now. He couldn''t be more different. I can at least rely on Travis. He always knows what to say. He always knows what to do. I think it comes with the territory of being an older brother. ¡°Mom says you and Emily broke up. What¡¯s up with that?¡± he says when he barges into my room. I¡¯m forced to put down my pen and notebook. ¡°We were never together.¡± Travis laughs and hops on my bed. ¡°Keep telling yourself that. It¡¯s exactly how Jerrica and I broke up. We had labels, you guys didn¡¯t. That¡¯s the only difference.¡± ¡°It¡¯s more complicated than that.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not. You fucked up, that¡¯s all. But maaan, Mom¡¯s all sad about it. You gotta win her back for her sake. You know how much that girl means to Mom.¡± ¡°And how do you propose I do that? She rarely answers my texts and she¡¯s all the way in New York.¡± Travis lays on my bed and shrugs. ¡°No, she¡¯s not.¡± ¡°What?¡± Travis laughs. ¡°She¡¯s back home visiting her dad. Jerrica too. She didn¡¯t text you? That¡¯s rough buddy.¡± ¡°How do you know?¡± ¡°I saw them unloading while driving home yesterday.¡± ¡°Why didn¡¯t you tell me?¡± Why didn¡¯t she tell me? ¡°I honestly thought you knew,¡± Travis says sitting back up. ¡°So what are you going to do?¡± What can I do? It¡¯s obvious that Ems still doesn¡¯t want anything to do with me anymore. I just can¡¯t walk up to her house and say hi. I could text her and say I heard rumors she¡¯s back in town. If she wanted to talk to me, she would. I¡¯m at a loss. There¡¯s nothing. I¡¯ve been lost. All I do is hurt people for my selfish ego. I do things just to do things. I¡¯m no better than Andrew. I can¡¯t change. I¡¯ve been trying. There hasn¡¯t been a single thing I¡¯ve done that proves I¡¯ve changed. ¡°Why did you and Jerrica split up? Apart from her moving to New York?¡± ¡°I think it ended long before that. Jerrica ain''t the type of girl who falls in love. Not in the way I wanted at least.¡± "You guys still talk?" Travis shrugs. "Not really. It''s just how it goes. I think it''s better that way." "How so?" "Why would I knowingly drink poison?" - I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m at Elizabeth''s grave. I haven¡¯t been here since the funeral. Nobody ever talks about her now. It¡¯s a thing of the past, something that just happened. Everyone has moved on. I¡¯m not sure if I have or not. I don¡¯t think about her that often anymore, nor does it make me sad. I just think that I¡¯m here now because I think it can give me some clarity. It¡¯s a good time to reflect and it¡¯s a good way to avoid Emily. She would never come here. Now that she¡¯s back in Darkwood, I rather not face her until I¡¯m ready. I¡¯m not sure I¡¯ll ever be if I¡¯m being honest. Elizabeth¡¯s grave isn¡¯t in bad condition, but it''s not the best. It hasn¡¯t been visited in a while, I can tell that much. She¡¯s just another byproduct of time. Time is what she feared. She was running out of it. Fuck, why couldn¡¯t she just ask for help? I think about it often. What it would be like if Elizabeth would still be here. She would have become a permanent member of our group as she was getting sick of hers. She often complained to us about just how fake her friends were. They just orbited around her because she was popular. They never cared about her, not like she did to them. I guess it took her death for us to see who actually cared about her. Alyssa split and does her own thing now, and the other is so closed off from the world now. I feel like Elizabeth and Grace would have been best friends. She would¡¯ve found Grace¡¯s naivety and innocence to be endearing. Grace would have become a little pet project for her. Then again, would we even be friends if she had not died? "Emily, Sara, and you would have been a fantastic trio. You three complement each other so well. A granola vintage girl, a goth, and a prep. It would have been perfect. How would it have worked if we were still dating? Would you have stayed if we broke up? Would Emily put up with it? Would Sara still disappear from us for a couple of weeks? Andrew wouldn''t stop hitting on you, although now I know you guys hooked up. I think I¡¯m okay with that now. You were just lost. Chris could have helped you with that. He¡¯s good at saying things that make you think. I feel like things would have been better if you stuck around. I just want to know what was going on in your head. Were you that lost? Were you scared? Desperate? For what? Why couldn¡¯t we help you? Why couldn¡¯t I help you? What happened? All of these reasons we think of just don¡¯t make sense. It couldn¡¯t have been a drug-induced psychosis. I knew you, you were much stronger than that. Please, just tell me.¡± A finger taps on my shoulder. It startles me and almost makes me jump. My first thought is thinking it¡¯s Emily, but it¡¯s not. It¡¯s some girl covered in all black and a large black sun hat. My eyes are immediately drawn to her paler-than-white skin and then to her white eyes that I see behind her sunglasses. Her white lips make a small smile. ¡°Oh, sorry, am I in your way?.¡± The girl waves her hands, telling me no. She knees down next to me and cups her hands to form a prayer. I watch her as she prays and I want to too but don¡¯t. The girl stands up and turns to face me. She places her hand close to her forehead and waves it toward me. I don¡¯t understand, but she pulls out her phone next. If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. ¡°Sorry, I''m mute and this is the only way I can talk,¡± she shows me what she typed in perfect grammar. ¡°Oh, no don¡¯t worry about it.¡± ¡°Were you her friend?¡± ¡°Yeah, and you? She never mentioned-¡± ¡°Nope! First time here.¡± I don¡¯t respond and watch her ferocious typing on her phone. She¡¯s fast at it. ¡°I just wanted to see the girl who caused so much chaos.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± The girl giggles but no sound comes out of it. ¡°Her world was truly massive. I would have loved to have gotten to know her.¡± ¡°Yeah, yeah she was great.¡± ¡°You seemed troubled.¡± I laugh, ¡°I¡¯m at a grave. Of course, I am.¡± The girl turns to the gravestone and places her phone on top of it. She takes a small notepad out of her backpack along with a pen. ¡°You don¡¯t have to get into specifics, but this isn¡¯t about Elizabeth, is it?¡± She writes on it. The air of the graveyard instantly changes. There¡¯s no way she can read people that well. It reminds me of how Chris can say something that makes you feel like he¡¯s reading your mind. ¡°Yeah, I guess you¡¯re right. It¡¯s about this other girl.¡± ¡°Ooooh, do tell.¡± It makes me chuckle. ¡°I guess we were always meant for each other, the day we were born. Growing up we were inseparable but somewhere along the line I just got too comfortable. I started to get a lot of attention and I liked it. I got so much of it that people would just flock around me. It didn¡¯t matter what I said, I said things and it would just eat people up. I did it because it made me seem so cool and mysterious and it worked. It worked too well. I became addicted to it. So I started doing it to Emily, and she didn¡¯t like that. Then Elizabeth died because I was fucking with her just to get her to like me more. It got me to be afraid of myself, it got me to see that I was doing the same with Emily. I tried to stay away but every time we talked, I kept doing it. I drove her away.¡± ¡°What do you feel about it now?¡± I scoff, ¡°Shitty.¡± ¡°No, I mean do you feel like you¡¯re who you describe yourself to be now?¡± It takes me a second to answer. ¡°I¡¯ve stopped if that¡¯s what you¡¯re asking me. But I don¡¯t feel like I¡¯ve changed.¡± ¡°And why¡¯s that?¡± What is she, a therapist? ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± The girl puts her pen in her mouth and tilts her head over to think. ¡°Do you want to know what I think?¡± ¡°You just met me.¡± ¡°You didn''t appreciate what you had and now that it''s gone, you''re afraid you don''t deserve to get it back anymore. You''re afraid that you have to let it go.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Close your eyes,¡± she writes and tosses her notepad to the side as she extends her palm. I¡¯m compelled to take it and so I close my eyes. - I¡¯d forgotten. Growing up I was never that guy. I never had friends. Chris was my first friend, then it was Emily. Those were my only friends. That¡¯s all I had. I was never popular like I¡¯ve always thought. I spent my entire childhood being ostracized. Besides my two friends, I was alone. Dad never was always away for work and Travis would always be out with his friends. Mom and I never got too close. It¡¯s just been us three and we never fit in. I spent my childhood writing about it. It¡¯s how I started writing poetry. It was Emily who first started to become popular around eighth grade. That¡¯s what changed for us. That¡¯s what changed for me. It¡¯s always been her. She suddenly became interested in fashion and taught me how to dress. People liked her and since I was always with her, they started to like me too. Because Chris was always so quiet, I would often repeat things he would tell me that felt deep. I used what he said as my own. All of a sudden, I was cool and my introspective nature made me mysterious. Emily then became friends with Sara and by extension, Andrew too. That''s how our group started. Elizabeth started to talk to me while I was getting popular. She wasn''t who she grew to be back then. She was a quiet and shy girl but I didn''t care. I liked her and she liked me back. She was my first girlfriend. Emily was fine with it, at least that¡¯s how I remember it. ¡°Well, it¡¯s not like we¡¯re dating, so it''s fine,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m still going to marry you when we turn 21.¡± ¡°Yeah, of course, that plan won¡¯t ever change.¡± I remember Emily¡¯s laugh, ¡°I''m glad I took your virginity before she came along. Looking back at it, Emily never wanted to open us up. It¡¯s always been us, that was never supposed to change. It didn¡¯t matter how we justified it; to get experience or to explore. That was just a farce we told ourselves for it to be okay. No, It¡¯s a lie I told myself. Emily was gritting her teeth the entire time. Once I had Elizabeth, Emily went after who she wanted herself. She did it to make me jealous. I never did because, in the back of my mind, I knew she would always be mine. It¡¯s that ego that destroys me. Elizabeth began to become really popular towards the end of Middle School and I was there to collect the crumbs. We were all heading to be the ones to hang out with, the IT crowd. Even after we broke up, we stayed around each other. Halfway through our freshman year that changed when Emily decided against it. She didn¡¯t like the crowd, so I followed. Elizabeth became a stranger. I was never the leader. Emily was. I was just piggybacking off her, and always have been. It got into my head. I stole quotes from Chris. None of me is the real me. I thought I was more important than I actually was. The addiction to the attention and power I had over people made me twisted. There was never a moment where I was myself. My loneliness took my right to be a person. ¡°Hey Cody, what do you think about this new skirt I just bought?¡± Emily asks the second she climbs the treehouse. She¡¯s wearing a black and red plaid skirt that matches the bandana I gave her when we were kids. Shit. That¡¯s right, I have forgotten about the bandana. It¡¯s nothing special, just something I bought at the store for a dollar. I gave it to Emily after she recovered from her sickness. I thought it was a lucky charm, seeing that the day I bought it was the day she woke up from her coma. The bandana itself is pure black with a rose and diamond pattern all across. Emily always wore it tied on her left wrist or ankle from that point forward. I''ve been wearing it on my ankle since she gave it back. ¡°It makes your ass look flat,¡± I say to her with a short laugh. She lightly punches me on my arm when she sits next to me with our feet hanging over the entrance¡¯s edge. ¡°Jerk! Be for real. I think it¡¯s what I¡¯m going to wear for the first day of High School. Gotta make a good impression!¡± ¡°It looks good. You make everything look good.¡± ¡°Aw shucks, you¡¯re making me blush.¡± ¡°Although you should wear tights.¡± ¡°And why¡¯s that?¡± ¡°I like ¡®em¡± Emily shoves me to the side with her body then she rests her head on my shoulder. ¡°Your wish is my command, my prince charming.¡± ¡°What¡¯s with you today, you¡¯re awfully cheery.¡± I chuckle. ¡°Do I need a reason?¡± ¡°No, but I can give you one.¡± ¡°How so?¡± I turn and grab Emily by the shoulders and push her down to the floor. The look of surprise quickly turns into a smile right before I inject myself with her lip¡¯s nectar. ¡°This a good enough reason?¡± I ask and Emily nods with a grinning approval. ¡°And you? You¡¯re usually not this bold. I like it.¡± ¡°I decided that¡¯s who I¡¯m going to be starting the new year. I don¡¯t want to stay the same awkward kid that pulls no girls.¡± Emily grabs hold of my hands and pulls me in. ¡°Fine, fine. You¡¯re still mine at the end of the day. All mine,¡± she kisses me. ¡°But I do like this new Cody, what changed?¡± I narrow my eyes for the first time and I focus them on Emily¡¯s. This is the first time I use them. ¡°I want to be better.¡± Emily¡¯s grin is intoxicating. ¡°Show me.¡± - "Do you think I''m a joke?" Elizabeth asked. "Of course not." "You don''t have to lie to me to make me feel better." "Are you asking if I think you''re a joke or that you think that?" "Both. I guess." "You wouldn''t be my girlfriend if I thought that. This facade you put on, it''s not a joke, it''s you." "Who would you pick? Me or Emily?" "What kind of question is that?" "What is it about Emily that I can''t fulfill you how she can?" - When I open my eyes, the girl with white hair is staring at the tombstone with a frown. I let go of her hand and she turns her head back to me.. ¡°What was that?¡± She grabs hold of her notepad and gives it to me. It reads; I just had to give you a better understanding of the person you lost. You shouldn¡¯t be afraid of yourself. The direction you were going wasn¡¯t a bad one, you were just misguided. Don¡¯t let the death of Elizabeth make you afraid of being happy. It¡¯s okay to forgive yourself, Cody. It''s okay to let it go. The mute girl dusts off the dirt on her knees. She doesn¡¯t even give me time to read the entire note before she takes her leave. I read it once, then again. Elizabeth once talked about a woman in white. She said she was her guardian angel. It was nothing but nonsense at the time, something I attributed to her just being high. This couldn¡¯t be that, could it? I didn¡¯t even get her name, yet she was just here. A woman with white hair, white skin, and white eyes. Someone straight out of fiction. The air around me shifts as if it¡¯s alive. It¡¯s warm. It¡¯s calming; accepting. "This is you, isn¡¯t it? You¡¯re telling me it¡¯s okay." 30. Cody VI: Darkwood Ave Cody VI My mother wakes me when her slipper hits me right on my cheek. ¡°Mira, hijo mio muy pendejo!¡± She yells. She never yells, especially in Spanish. ¡°Emily is back in town y no la has invitado para comer?¡± I groan as I get up and sit against my bedframe. ¡°We¡¯re not really friends anymore.¡± ¡°Amigos o no, ella es familia, mijo! What are you doing having a little fight over nothing!? Make up with her! I miss her!¡± Mom sighs and takes a look around. ¡°Como te vas a casar con ella if you leave todo tu mugrero on the floor? Estoy arta cleaning up after you.¡± I feel a bit bad watching my mom clean up my dirty clothes from the floor. It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t do it myself I just haven¡¯t gotten around to it lately. It¡¯s been hard finding the will to do so. ¡°Nobody asks you to, besides no one comes in here anymore.¡± ¡°More the reason. What would Emily say?¡± ¡°She¡¯s messier than me, have you been to her room?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care. Invite her over and say you¡¯re sorry.¡± She doesn¡¯t bother closing the door beside her when she leaves. - There''s only one text on my phone when I check it: "Are you okay if Emily''s there?" It''s from Grace. She''s asking if I''m still coming to her birthday party tomorrow. I toss my phone onto my countertop and slam my head against the bedframe. Fuck. It''s all I¡¯ve been thinking about lately. I keep playing scenarios in my head on what I¡¯m going to say to Emily. I daydream how she¡¯ll act and say. I get it into my head that she¡¯ll be welcoming me back with open arms, saying she missed me. That we can stay just as friends instead. That isn¡¯t reality. We''re in an awkward situation. That''s where we left it and that''s where it''s been. What¡¯s real were the last words that she said to me when she left. She wanted to hurt me. That was her whole intention. Emily wanted to find a life where I wasn¡¯t involved. She wanted to feel how life was without my poison slowly draining her life away. Emily wants me to hate her. I could never do that. I''ve been looking for answers on what to do. I''m not blind to the signs the universe has given me. Imergy and metaphors are my expertise. But I''m stubborn and I''m not sure if I want to see it that way. I at least know where I went wrong. That''s a start. I can find what I want to do from here. It''s what my latest lines are filling the final pages of my journal. They have been short and I''m not sure if I''m ever going to expand on them. I write whatever comes to mind, Do I deserve happiness or am I destined to be alone? I''ve known from the moment I was born I''m a corpse walking, waiting for rust to brittle my bones It''s sadness that has grown to feel like right as home This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. I hate it. - It''s almost been a year. Exactly 365 days ago, I began dating Elizabeth. Two months and a half later, Elizabeth died. June 4th. Today I go back to where it all ended. I haven''t been since. The abandoned house in the old part of town looks even more run-down in the daylight. There''s still trash floating around outside from that night. The inside is clean, wiped clean. But I''m not here for the house. I go through the backyard and follow the footsteps into the woods that changed everything. There''s no path and not easy to go through. I''m not sure if I''m even going the right way. I''m using the little I remember back from when I chased her down. I was the first one to do so, but others were not far behind. What I do remember is the gunshot and the following scream after. I remember what it looked it. There was vomit on Grace''s shirt. There were splashes of blood on her face. She might as well have been a corpse for how white and rigid she was. Elizabeth was below. A gun gripped on her hand. She looked like she was asleep. She died with a smile. - I thought I was going to be alone when I came here. "Oh," The woman turns when I get close. She''s been staring at the little memorial left. It''s like looking at the future. Elizabeth''s mother looks just like her. This past year hasn''t been easy on her. The bags under her eyes droop down. Strains of white hairs have slowly been overtaking. Last I heard, she moved away. What is she doing here? "Cody. Hi," She greets me, making space to stand next to her. "Cecilia. I''ll just go." "No, it''s okay. Come here." I haven''t spoken to her since. It wasn''t much of a conversation and more of her just screaming at me. I didn''t expect her to let me join her. "I had a feeling that I needed to come today," Cecilla sighs as I stand next to her. "I guess you did too." I look down at the memorial. It''s a small little cross with her name on it staked into the dirt. There''s a veil around it and a photo of Elizabeth in the center. It''s been run down by the weather and it doesn''t look pretty. "How have you been holding up?" I ask. I didn''t want to. It just came out. Cecilia nods a few times. "As best as I can," she forces a laugh. "At least I''m not angry anymore." "I''m sorry." "I tried to blame anyone I could for what happened. I tried to move past what happened. I tried to use my grief and turn it into doing something positive. I tried to accept it. I tried to move on. Nothing has worked. I don''t think anything will." I don''t know what to say. I came here to self-reflect, not this. "We didn''t get along. She hated my guts. She hated her step-father even more. I didn''t hear an I love you since she was a little girl. So when she called me the night before she died, I didn''t expect to hear that, but she did. I love you. That''s were the last words she said to me. And now she won''t say it ever again. I can still hear it as clearly as then. It helps me sleep." "I...I don''t-" "You don''t have to say anything, Cody. It''s okay." "But-" "Do you think she has forgiven me? Do you think she has forgiven you? Is that what you want? Or is that what you need? That''s why we''re both here. To find out," Elizabeth''s mom squats down and rips the cross off the ground. "I know she has. I feel it in my heart and it hasn''t made it any better. I''ve been looking for the wrong thing. It''s me who has to forgive myself. And so should you." "I don''t know how to do that." "Neither do I. That''s why we distract ourselves. We gorge ourselves on it. Anything and everything just to not think about it," she snaps the cross and lets the bottom piece fall. She rips the photo off and raises it above. "We tell ourselves that we''ll be better people. We''ll try a little harder. But we''re just lying to ourselves because it''s the mask that keeps us from letting go of the past. It stops us from looking at the future." The sun''s light is going around the photo. Elizabeth''s school picture is in shadow. Cecilia lowers it and holds it in her palm. Elizabeth is smiling. "We are desperately holding on to something that''s already gone." "How do I let go?" Her hand closes and it crumbles the photo. She squeezes it until her fist trembles and opens her hand when it does. The photo falls to the ground. Cecilia doesn''t answer my question and tosses the other half of the cross into the bushes. We stand in silence as she looks down at the ground, and I at the sky. Have I ever tried to forgive myself? Did I even think it was possible? Did I want to? Or did I think I didn''t deserve to? I don''t even remember. Maybe I was just chasing excuses. Maybe I didn''t want to hold myself accountable. Maybe I was fighting against the repercussions thinking it''d change them. "I forgive you, Cody," Cecillia breaks the long silence. "And I think it''s time I forgive myself." She turns towards me and smiles. It''s the same. I miss her smile. "I think I just did." "How?" "You just let go, anyway you can." "And what if I can''t?" "Then it''s only because you''re scared." "How do I find out?" "You let go." - I find myself back in the ruins of my childhood. It''s gone. It won''t come back. It''s not here anymore. I walk forward and deeper into the forest. I walk until it becomes unrecognizable and become lost. I walk until I find something new. There''s a tree more gigantic than the rest. It hasn''t grown right, part of the trunk is bending to the side and the rest rises high up in the sky. It''s as if the tree is made from two. On one side, the branches are thick and close to the ground. Up above they''re plentiful and and compact. I''ve been mulling over what to do and how to do it. I''ve been stuck thinking it''s what I want. I''ve been thinking it''s something still in my hand. I think I know what I need. I decide I will build something new. I''ll build something that''s just mine. 31. Emily V: The Sea and the Rhythm Emily V Grace at 15 puts who Grace was at 14 to shame. They aren¡¯t the same person. She no longer wears those thick-rimmed glasses that made her eyes look too big for her head. She has the ability to blend her makeup well enough to make it seem natural. Even though she still has her braces, she assures me those come off in six months. It¡¯s almost been a year and Gracie has already come this far. I can¡¯t imagine who she¡¯ll be in another year. We''re having her birthday party inside the campgrounds of the forest. We¡¯re having a little picnic. It¡¯s not anything special, but it¡¯s intimate enough to mean something. It was supposed to be just the four of us, Sara and my sister included but Gracie invited more. She invited Cody. By this point, he knows I''m in town but I don''t know why he hasn''t tried to talk to me. He''s been silent. Sara helps me prepare the grill. She¡¯s the only one who knows how to. I have never seen her with her natural hair color. She dyed it back a couple of days ago. The dark brown makes it easier to see the similarities to her brother. I''m okay with Andrew not being invited. ¡°Don''t look so nervous,¡± she says. ¡°He might not even show up.¡± ¡°I don''t care if he does.¡± Grace pops up out of nowhere like a cartoon character. ¡°Maybe you''re scaring him off.¡± ¡°Grace!¡± She giggles, ¡°I''m kidding.¡± Sara laughs. It¡¯s good to hear her laughing. Through our Facetime talks it¡¯s hard to get her to smile. I tried to get her to open up to me, but she hasn''t. Grace told me about her night terrors. She tells me how Sara moves like she''s on autopilot. I don''t ask for further details, I know I¡¯m better off not gossiping. It¡¯s not right, not after what Sara¡¯s been through. Soran taught me that. ¡°Maybe he''s going to do a romantic entrance.¡± ¡°Did New York make you stupid? ¡± Sara laughs again. ¡°Oh, Carlos and Alyssa are here,¡± Grace looks over to Alyssa''s car which parks next to mine. ¡°I''m surprised you made friends with those two.¡± ¡°Stick around next time. I¡¯m full of surprises.¡± - Sara finishes setting up the decorations around the campsite while I tie the last balloon on the strings hung up the gazebo. A cake awaits in the middle of the table surrounded by the birthday presents we got her. I can''t remember the last time I celebrated a birthday this way. Only little kids want decorations and a cake, but this is what Grace wanted. Jerrica cooks up the food and Grace messes around with the music on the speaker. Chris arrives not too long after. This would have been the new group if we all stuck together if I hadn¡¯t left. It would have been a good one. Carlos and Alyssa were the only ones in Elizabeth''s friend group who actually cared about her. The birthday party officially starts when Carlos rolls up a blunt. Grace asks him how to roll one up or at least show her the process. She begins to practice and gets discouraged by how poorly they come out. I help her out and show her how much weed she should use. Grace either uses too much or not enough. She gets the hang of it after a couple more tries. Jerrica hands out the burgers with one of Grace''s crude blunts in her mouth. Chris and Carlos start a game of Uno with Sara and Grace joining shortly after. I don¡¯t like to play card games when Chris is playing because he always wins. It isn''t fun for me. The game starts with the added rule that the losers have to take shots when someone wins. They force me to take three shots as punishment for not playing. Chris wins the round and Grace declares that she''ll win the next. She does just that. I stand behind her while she plays and I''m able to see her cards. Grace plays cards that I wouldn''t if I were her, but each time, it''s the right one. She''s good at screwing her opponents. It''s like she knows what cards everyone else has. I walk around the table to take a peak and I''m further convinced she does. Grace is Chris'' only competition. Chris always wins because he''s able to memorize and keep track of every card. He''s able to control the game because he turns luck into probability. But Grace is doing that too. The first time I saw Grace was in my calculus class. She always held the highest grade. I asked her once, how could a Freshman be in a Senior class? Was she really a whiz-kid? She said no, Grace just has a great memory. "You''re counting cards," Chris confirms what I''m thinking. "You can''t in Uno," Grace plays a card that skips Sara, which forces Chris to draw. "It''s difficult, but not impossible." "You''re doing the same thing then," Grace plays her ace in the hole, a wildcard, then declares, "Uno." "I look forward to more days to be like this," Chris smiles, he never smiles. My phone vibrates. Cody texts back. ¡°It¡¯s really u, isn¡¯t it?¡± I look around then behind and I find Cody standing at the entrance of the campsite. I smile at him, then wave. The group takes notice and all invite him in. Cody greets everyone first, then Jerrica. I''m last. He turns to me and says, ¡°You¡¯re back.¡± I smile and nod. His eyes are gentle. They''re not mystical or observant. They''re not mad or anxious. They''re not hurt. They''re not fake. ¡°I¡¯m glad,¡± he laughs. ¡°It¡¯s not permanent?¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s just for the summer.¡± Cody joins the game as Carlos and Alyssa opt out. He gets close to winning but Grace wins again. He shares his admiration for Grace''s control of the game, asking her why she never mentioned how good she is. Grace tells him that it was never brought up with a slightly annoyed tone. Sara convinces me to play a game. She''s unlucky, is hit with multiple plus-fours, and is out of the game for a while. Grace and Chris try their best to mess each other up, now playing their own mind games. Chris ends up with Uno, but I pull out a plus-two on him. Cody reverses him and Chris draws two cards before setting down a green three. I hit him back with another reverse but he puts down a green one as the first card he draws. Cody plus two¡¯s Grace and declares Uno. Grace puts down a card, then Sara. I declare uno and pray. Chris plays his card then Cody puts down his last card, a blue 7, and wins. We all take three shots, ending the game altogether. - The music is turned up all the way. We''re all drunk except for Sara, who isn''t allowed. We all split into various individual conversations. Grace''s birthday party is small and calm which is all I could ask for. I''m tired of the chaotic parties of this town. I''m tired of the drama. I''m tired of the drugs. I catch multiple glances at Cody from Grace. She still likes him but the feeling isn¡¯t mutual. Cody doesn¡¯t even bother to look at her, he looks at me instead. Grace hates that. She hates that Cody doesn''t see her the way she wants to. I haven''t gotten the chance to talk to him. You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author. Jerrica notices one of his longer glances and pulls him to the side. I let it go and hope Jerrica doesn''t tell him anything stupid. I get up and sit down with Sara, who''s by herself. ¡°Are you alright with him being here?¡± Sara asks. ¡°Yeah,¡± I smile. ¡°It¡¯s gonna be okay.¡± ¡°He doesn¡¯t seem mad at you.¡± I sigh. ¡°I don¡¯t know. There¡¯s a lot I want to say to him. I have to be alone with him. Sara laughs. It¡¯s good that she''s having fun. She¡¯s been getting better. ¡°You¡¯re a moron.¡± I laugh with her. ¡°I missed us.¡± ¡°Sorry, I''ve been distant. I''m trying to get back to normal.¡± Normal. That word is such an oxymoron. Nothing is ever normal. Nothing ever will be. The only normal are the clouds that loom over Darkwood. And today is not normal. The sun is burning. "I haven''t reached out as much as I should either. I''m sorry too." Sara twists her torso excitingly towards me, "So tell me about this boyfriend you mentioned. I think I brushed it off before." "Soran''s not my boyfriend," I involuntary smile. "Not yet." "What are you waiting for then?" I don''t get to answer. Cody shouts, ¡°What are you doing here?!¡± Sara and I look over. Everyone does. Andrew is here with a handle of vodka and a shit-eating grin. ¡°What? You can¡¯t have a fucking party and not invite me. It ain¡¯t right!¡± He looks at all of us. His eyes stop at me for a moment and then at my sister, confused. ¡°Ems¡¯ back? Right-o!¡± ¡°Leave!¡± Cody orders. ¡°What?! Why the fuck should I?¡± ¡°Andrew, It¡¯s my party, I didn¡¯t invite you,¡± Grace tells him. Andrew exaggerates being offended and frowns. ¡°Nah, fuck both of you. I¡¯m just here to party.¡± Andrew rushes over to the table next to us, slams the handle down, kicks up one of the cooking patties on the grill, and eats it half raw. ¡°Let¡¯s get this rager started, shall we?¡± ¡°Andrew, leave!¡± ¡°Majority votes, hunnie. Chris, you mind?¡± We all look at Chris. He doesn¡¯t say or do anything. ¡°Sara?¡± she puts her head down. ¡°New girl?¡± Jerrica looks at me for what to do. ¡°Ems?¡± I shake my head. ¡°Carlos. Alyssa?¡± It was a few months ago when I hated Andrew for causing the accident, but it wasn¡¯t his fault. It was mine. Andrew tried helping me but there wasn¡¯t anything he could do. I thought I hated him because he destroys everything he touches, for what he did to Elizabeth, for how he didn''t care. Being away for so long made me see things aren¡¯t that simple. We''re the ones who tolerated and encouraged his behavior. It was never a matter of if we would be caught up in his storm, but when. I don¡¯t hold it against him anymore, but that doesn¡¯t mean he isn¡¯t dangerous. He shouldn¡¯t be here. He''s what plagues this town. He allows it to corrupt. ¡°I think it¡¯s best if you left, Andrew. Nobody is comfortable with you around,¡± Alyssa finally says. Andrew drops his hands to his sides. ¡°Carlos?!¡± Carlos shakes his head. "No one likes you anymore, man." Andrew scoffs and paces back and forth for a bit. ¡°Well isn¡¯t this fucking wonderful. Aren¡¯t we all just fucking peachy? And here I was thinking you guys were my friends. But oh no, I''m the fucking devil. I''m too out of control, I''m a dickhead and a asshole, is that it? I''m public fucking enemy number one because they think I made Ellie get fucked up on drugs, that I got her pregnant, that I killed her. I''m the antagonist, the villain. You''re all just a bunch of fake slims.¡± "Don''t use the N-word," Grace slaps her thigh. "Shut the fuck up, bitch. Don''t act like you hate me too, I know you don''t." Cody rushes to Andrew and grabs him by the collar. ¡°What is your fucking problem?!¡± Andrew laughs, ¡°Oh ho, what? Are you gonna lose it and beat the shit out of me again? I''ll fight back this time, Cody-kins.¡± ¡°No one wants you here, no one likes you! Just fucking leave!¡± Andrew grabs Cody by the collar too. They have each other by the throat. Cody is going to lose himself again. Grace screams at them to stop. ¡°I¡¯m not the one who killed her. It wasn''t my fault that I crashed. You¡¯re just projecting, slim. You¡¯re hilarious. As if I¡¯m the one who fucked with her head all the time. What did you tell her again? That she¡¯s in the tall grass? That she¡¯s Morning Glory? You¡¯re a headfuck, Cody, you already have been. Emily knows. ¡± Andrew tilts his head gesturing over to me ¡°You can''t wait to mess with her head again, right?¡± Cody has only exploded only a few times. I first saw it when we were kids. His father slapped his mom and Cody had enough. I saw it in our first year of high school when a few of the senior girls were picking on me for how I was dressed. He hit one of them and he felt so bad he promised that''ll never happen again. He broke that promise when I went with him to confront Elizabeth on her erratic and chaotic behavior. She became angry at him, at me. She gave us the truth she believed, of what she thought we were intentionally doing. My heart was breaking. Elizabeth''s already was. But Cody stayed calm, but barely. He stayed calm until he found the Winter she had out. We thought it was meth. Cody had enough. I got in the way and he hit me instead. Both those times, I was there to stop him from doing anything worse. I learned that I could when Cody wouldn''t stop attacking his dad. I wasn''t there when Cody bloodied Andrew months ago. It happens again, but I can''t move. I can''t speak. Everyone is too tense to move. I look over to Jerrica, she¡¯s just fascinated by it all. I look over to Grace, who is being held by Alyssa. She''s scared. Sara is gritting her teeth. Carlos has his arms crossed. Chris doesn''t care. Cody headbutts Andrew and pushes him to the ground. Andrew laughs as he scrambles around the ground to evade Cody. ¡°Cody, stop it,¡± I yell, but it''s quiet. Andrew gives himself distance. ¡°Or what about you Grace? Are you too stupid to see he''s feeding off your attention?¡± Andrew hops out of Cody''s swinging arm. ¡°You¡¯re just a joke, slim.¡± Cody stops moving and stands still. Andrew laughs again. ¡°Don¡¯t like being called out on your bullshit? You want to know what Ellie told me? She called me the best fuck she ever had.¡± ¡°None of that matters anymore,¡± Cody says, seemingly calm now. ¡°You and I aren''t too different, ''cept I don''t pretend I''m better. You''re the only one with a more massive ego than me, but want to know something? Mine isn''t fragile ¡± ¡°You fucking bastard!¡± Cody snaps. He charges at Andrew but he''s punched on the nose. Andrew tries to throw another punch but Cody tackles him to the ground. Cody slams his fist into Andrew''s body and face. Carlos runs and tries to pull them off each other but isn''t strong enough. My sister, of all people, runs in to help him and it takes them a few seconds to pull Cody off. Cody struggles to break free and headbutts Carlos to free himself. Andrew is laughing like a maniac. He gets up and wipes off the blood on his face. ¡°That¡¯s right, you¡¯re a fucking monster.¡± Cody looks at me. He calms. ¡°Are you done?¡± ¡°Both of you, stop it! You¡¯re ruining my birthday!¡± Grace screams. Andrew stares at Grace, panting, and then wipes away the remaining blood in his lips. ¡°Fine. Have it your way. I¡¯m done,¡± He says. ¡°You all deserve each other,¡± He walks away with his hands in his pockets. We all stand awkwardly for a moment. I¡¯m finally able to hear my own heartbeat. It¡¯s racing. ¡°Glad that¡¯s over. How did he find out?¡± Alyssa asks. No one knows. Andrew has a supernatural sense when it comes to finding shindigs. Grace walks over to the table and makes herself a drink. I walk over to Cody who¡¯s wincing in pain. ¡°Are you okay?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine,¡± he says rubbing his nose. ¡°You lost control again.¡± Cody locks eyes with me. ¡°Not as much as you¡¯d think.¡± I can¡¯t help but smile. ¡°You should sit down, you¡¯re hurt.¡± "You should see the other guy," he jokes and we sit down where I was. Sara slaps her thighs and stands up, ¡°I¡¯m going to make sure he¡¯s okay.¡± She waits for Grace to nod in approval before she leaves ¡°Well that was pretty intense, Gracie are you okay?¡± my sister asks while grabbing a drink from her. ¡°I just want to drink.¡± ¡°You and me both,¡± Jerrica laughs. ¡°Want one, Cody?¡± ¡°Sure, why not?¡± Jerrica sits next to us, denying me from being alone with him. - The party ends after a few hours of trying to ease the lingering tension. Everyone goes home except for me, except for Cody. I ask him to go to the treehouse. Grace told me that it was destroyed months ago. I could not believe it. Cody never mentioned it, not once. But it''s true, it''s all gone. My childhood home is gone. There¡¯s nothing left of the treehouse. It¡¯s only splinters and a mess of broken and burnt wood. Not even all the Polaroids I took over the years survived. It''s one cruel joke. ¡°What did you expect?¡± ¡°Not this. Not Everything. Why didn''t you tell me?¡± ¡°You messaged me that you found someone else the day I found out.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± Cody takes a sit on one of the broken logs. I don¡¯t want to say anything but he has bags under his eyes. His hair is too shaggy and he looks thinner than I remember. ¡°There was a lot I wanted to say but now that I have the chance, I don¡¯t want to. Is that weird?¡± ¡°No. I feel the same way.¡± I dreamt about this day, about what he would say and what I would say. I had anxiety attacks over it and it¡¯s been constantly on my mind since I boarded the plane. I regret what I said when I saw him last. It wasn¡¯t right. I shouldn¡¯t have told him I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I said them out of anger and desperation. I don¡¯t mean them now. But I can''t take it back. It¡¯s just one of those things that I have no idea how to handle. I took him by the throat to make him understand how I feel and yet I¡¯m a coward for wanting to act like I never did that. Andrew called Cody a headfuck but I¡¯m just as much of a headfuck as him. We¡¯re just headfucks trying passive-aggressively trying to get back at each other. Soran is right, I am acting like a kid. Cody doesn¡¯t talk about it. He¡¯s avoiding it as I thought. As much as I want to talk about everything, he doesn¡¯t bring anything up and acts like everything is fine between us. These few months without him have been good for me. I¡¯ve been learning how to be my own person. I¡¯m no longer tied to chains that keep me in this town. I can finally breathe. Soran has been helping me out with this. He doesn¡¯t play games, he doesn¡¯t bullshit around. Soran doesn¡¯t tell me what to do or say and treats me like a person, not his girlfriend. That¡¯s why I like him so much. There will be a point where I have to tell Cody that I can¡¯t marry him; that we work best as friends. I have to tell him that I fell in love with Soran and ask him if it''s okay if we stay friends. I thought I could do it here in the ruins of the treehouse but I just can¡¯t. Even if I do tell him, would he still want to be my friend? Am I really that selfish? I do miss him. I know he misses me. Yet we¡¯re standing here in this awkward dance. So what are we doing? We don¡¯t talk about us. How could we? We¡¯re alone for the first time in months. We should, instead, just reminisce over our memories here while that overhanging thought is above my head. I don¡¯t think I can ever tell him. I''m not ready. Now that he¡¯s here, that I¡¯m here, I¡¯m having doubts that he''ll agree. I see it on his face too. He wants to say so much but can¡¯t. There¡¯s a barrier between us now that he doesn¡¯t want to cross. I have known him my entire life. I could always tell what he is thinking and feeling. I can''t do that anymore. He''s not the same person I remember anymore. I see the best friend who he locked away. I came here for an answer I thought was already made up in my mind. I''m scared it''ll change. 32: Sara VI: the moon smiled back at me Sara VI It¡¯s today of all days when I feel like a person. It¡¯s been happening more and more lately. I¡¯m not sure if I prefer it this way or not. It¡¯s a lot easier to disappear in my head. At least I can be present for Gracie¡¯s birthday. Virginia knocks on my door right as 7 hits on my alarm clock. ¡°Gracie says you¡¯re all having a picnic in the campgrounds for her birthday. I don¡¯t need to be concerned do I?¡± ¡°No. It¡¯ll just be our friends.¡± ¡°Here,¡± she says handing me a hundred-dollar bill. ¡°Is this enough for food? I wish I could celebrate too. It¡¯s her big 15.¡± ¡°Why don¡¯t you take the day off?¡± Virginia gives me this condescending smile. I¡¯m reminded she took me in when she didn¡¯t have to. I¡¯m reminded I¡¯m just a burden on her. ¡°Have fun in my place,¡± Virginia says then closes the door. This room of mine isn¡¯t actually my room. I¡¯m borrowing it just like how I feel I¡¯m borrowing this second life. I don¡¯t know why it¡¯s so hard for me to be grateful to even have it. Grace wakes up at around nine. I hear her in her room moving around and talking on the phone with Emily. She¡¯s always been closer to her than me, even after Emily moved away. I¡¯ve been here for a couple of months but I feel like I¡¯ve been her roommate rather than her friend. She¡¯s grown without me. I expected to celebrate her birthday with her. That¡¯s the one thing she said she wanted. I just didn¡¯t expect Emily and her sister to join us. None of us did. She just randomly popped up at our front doorstep a couple of days ago. I honestly thought she stopped being our friend since it became harder and harder to get in contact with her over the weeks. Her excuse was that she got busy and she apologized but I don¡¯t really buy it. Part of me thinks that she¡¯s grown tired of us. She managed to escape this cursed town and is looking for a reason to leave it behind for good. Emily comes to pick us up at 11. I thought she would grow out her hair over the nine months since I last saw her. She was always wild about her long hair, yet she keeps it at her shoulders now. It¡¯s now twice that I have seen her and it¡¯s twice when she doesn¡¯t hide away in a sweater. Her skin is even glowing. It''s clear that leaving Darkwood was the best thing she ever did. It gives me the desire to leave this town as soon as I¡¯m able. There¡¯s nothing for me here. I fear that I¡¯ll only be the shell of a person I am now if I stick around. Even worse, I might do something stupid again. I¡¯m not really in the present. Everything moves through me instead of me experiencing it. I see the world around me and I just ignore it. It¡¯s easier this way. I don¡¯t have to think. It¡¯s also easier to talk to people this way. I¡¯m not trapped inside my head so I¡¯m able to form words. I can smile and I can laugh. It¡¯s what everyone wants from me and it almost makes me feel human. I¡¯m not quite there yet. I remember how it feels. I remember what it was like to be happy. That was before Mom died. That was before Dad¡­ Before Andrew became a different person than I knew. And so he shows up to Gracie¡¯s birthday party uninvited. Nobody wants him here. I do. I¡¯m the only person who still cares for him but I can¡¯t speak up. He pleads for anyone to support him in staying. He pleads for me to have him stay. I want him here. He¡¯s my brother. He¡¯s the only thing I have left. I just can¡¯t speak up. These months of my existence I¡¯ve been told just how feral he¡¯s gotten. He refuses to go to school while he was out looking for me. He delved deeper into drug dealing and always caused a scene at parties. Andrew quickly became the enemy of Darkwood. Nobody wants him anywhere. He¡¯s been so alone. I know what people say about him. I know what people think of him. Everyone hates him. He destroys everything he touches. Andrew doesn¡¯t care about anything. He¡¯s On a spearhead mission to get arrested or killed. That¡¯s who he is. That¡¯s what everyone thinks he is. I know it¡¯s not true. He spends time with me every day at school when he could. Although I was never there mentality, he would stick by my side to make sure I knew he was there. I never said thank you. I never told him how much it means to me knowing that he still holds onto my thread. I just wish I could be there so I could hold on to his. I bet it was on the brink of snapping when I was away. I see it in his eyes. He¡¯s so close to snapping. He¡¯s so close to losing himself. And here I am, abandoning him when he needs me. I¡¯m not a good person, I''m shit. I can¡¯t stomach it. He fights so hard just to hang on and I¡¯m just throwing it away. So I follow him. I can¡¯t let him down. I catch up to him right at the entrance back into town. His eyes are violent. Andrew looks at me with disgust. I realize right now just how awake I am. I¡¯m finally present. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± I pant, catching my breath. I¡¯ve been running. I never run. ¡°You¡¯re not sorry, you¡¯re in guilt.¡± ¡°No, I am! I should have told you to stay!¡± ¡°You fucking backstabbed me, Sara! I don¡¯t give a fuck about any of them! I came for you! Schools over, how the fuck am I supposed to spend time with my sister?!¡± ¡°I-¡± ¡°And even then you¡¯re never fucking there! I don¡¯t even know who you are anymore. You¡¯re not Sara.¡± ¡°Andrew I-¡± ¡°Shut the fuck up. I don¡¯t want to hear it.¡± I¡¯m awake. I¡¯m losing him. I can¡¯t let that happen. This entire time I¡¯ve been keeping it all to myself. I haven¡¯t told Virginia. I haven¡¯t told Emily. I haven¡¯t told Andrew. I haven¡¯t told anyone. Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator. My body slams into his chest. His arms hesitate but eventually, they wrap around my body. ¡°Don¡¯t say that to me. Not to me.¡± ¡°Where have you been?¡± I have to tell him. He should know. It isn¡¯t right that I¡¯ve been holding it in this entire time. Instead, I think about Mom and how she wouldn¡¯t leave her bed for days at a time. She was just like me. ¡°I¡¯m sick, Andy. I have mom¡¯s sickness.¡± I feel Andrew''s chin laying on top of my head. It moves and he kisses it before hugging me more tightly. ¡°That¡¯s all you had to say. I¡¯ll take care of you. Always.¡± I have to tell him. I have to tell him. I have to tell him. I have to. I have to. I have to. I can¡¯t be scared. ¡°Andy, I really tried to kill myself. I should be dead by now but I was saved. I was kept in this room with no light for weeks. That¡¯s why you couldn¡¯t find me. I was left there to rot, to starve, and to slowly die. I still haven¡¯t recovered from that.¡± I didn¡¯t tell him. I didn¡¯t tell him. I didn¡¯t- ¡°Who did this to you? I swear I¡¯ll fucking kill them.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. This girl named Marina saved me. The guy''s name is Mendelssohn or something like that.¡± Andrew immediately drops his arms when he hears the name. ¡°You know who he is,¡± I say when Andrew backs away to look me in the eyes. I watch as rage fills them. I don¡¯t think I have ever seen anything like it. It scares me. Andrew never scares me. It¡¯s disgust. It¡¯s livid. It¡¯s as if everything he is has been a lie. ¡°Yeah, I do,¡± He says so calmly. It doesn¡¯t match the creases of his eyebrows. ¡°Who?¡± Andrew paces around while looking at the sky. He starts to laugh. It¡¯s not his classic obnoxious in-your-face laugh either. He finds it genuinely funny. ¡°Lyle Mendelssohn.¡± Lyle Mendelssohn. He¡¯s the drug dealer Andrew works for. All this time it was him. Lyle knew who I was this entire time. It¡¯s why he saved me. It¡¯s why he kept me. It¡¯s all one cruel joke. I keep hearing the name. He always pops up. There¡¯s no escape. I want to throw up. ¡°What are you going to do?¡± ¡°Is it okay if I throw my life away for you?¡± ¡°Of course not!¡± ¡°Then I can¡¯t do anything. Not right now at least.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to do anything. Stop working for him. Let it go. Come back to us. Come back to me. I¡¯ll try to be more present. I¡¯ll convince Virginia to let you stay with us. We can be a family again, we can-¡± ¡°Sara. My life is over. It¡¯s been over for a while now. There¡¯s nothing left for me. I can¡¯t be saved, especially not now. The best I can do is spend whatever time I have left with you.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t talk like that. It¡¯s not over. You¡¯re still here.¡± Andrew chuckles. ¡°Maybe you¡¯re right.¡± he sits down on the sidewalk and takes a deep breath. ¡°I don¡¯t know what to do.¡± I don¡¯t know what to say. It makes sense now. Marina works for Lyle too. That¡¯s what she was talking about when she said she wanted to escape. Is this what she wanted? Andrew knows the truth now and so do I. I just don¡¯t see how all of this will help her escape. ¡°All this time,¡± Andrew pauses. ¡°I¡¯m so fucking stupid,¡± he laughs. ¡°You couldn¡¯t have known.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t get it,¡± he sighs. ¡°I¡¯ve thrown my entire life away. What do I do now?¡± I sit next to him and take his hand. ¡°I¡¯ll convince Virginia to let you live with us. You can stop now. You don¡¯t have to fight anymore.¡± Andrew tilts his head to look at the sky. It¡¯s cloudy, just like it always is. ¡°That would be nice,¡± he says but he doesn¡¯t mean that. Andrew can¡¯t escape, I get that now. That¡¯s what Lyle does, isn¡¯t it? He creates slaves. He gets people who are lost, just like me, and brainwashes them. I almost believed his words too. I almost rose in the darkness. I almost took his hand. I don¡¯t even know what he looks like. I just know his voice; deep, confident, and gentle. It¡¯s evil. He has my brother. There isn¡¯t anything I can do to help him now. Andrew has to do something. ¡°If you would just stop, what would happen? Would he find you?¡± Andrew nods his head. ¡°I¡¯ve done things. Things I can¡¯t take back. I have seen the things he does to the people who disobey him. I¡¯ll suck it up. Try to find a way to get him to let me go. Yeah. It¡¯ll be fine.¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s not fine.¡± ¡°It is. I promise. Andrew Mera always finds a way.¡± Anyone else wouldn¡¯t believe him. I do. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I haven¡¯t been present. I know you have been trying to still be my brother. I didn¡¯t mean for any of this to happen. It¡¯s just-¡± ¡°It¡¯s not your fault. Don¡¯t you ever say it¡¯s your fault.¡± ¡°There¡¯s still so much I want to tell you, Andy. It¡¯s just too hard.¡± ¡°That¡¯s what Mom used to call me by. So did you, until she died,¡± Andrew turns his head to me. His eyes are watery. I have never seen him cry since Mom died. Andrew sucks it up and doesn¡¯t cry here either. ¡°When you say you have her sickness, you mean her depression, right? It¡¯s genetic, isn¡¯t it? Grandma had it, Moms did too, and now you.¡± ¡°I think so.¡± It¡¯s not only that, but everything piled on top of it. It¡¯s too much. I want to tell Andrew the real truth. I have to. I¡¯m just afraid. I am afraid of what he¡¯ll do because I know what he¡¯ll do. I don¡¯t want that. He¡¯ll lose himself. I just need to tell someone. It¡¯ll break me out of my mind¡¯s prison. ¡°Has Grace¡¯s mom been good to you?¡± ¡°Yeah. She¡¯s strict with me. She constantly checks my room to keep me clean and doesn¡¯t let me go out at night, but she¡¯s good to me.¡± ¡°Then I don¡¯t have to worry about you.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± Andrew lets go of my hand. ¡°It means I don¡¯t have to worry about you doing something stupid again,¡± he stands up and dusts himself off. ¡°I¡¯m gonna go for a walk; clear my head. Go back to the dumb party.¡± ¡°Will you be okay?¡± ¡°Dandy,¡± he chuckles. ¡°I¡¯ll figure out what to do with Lyle so don¡¯t worry about it. There isn¡¯t a fucking thing I can¡¯t do.¡± ¡°Just don¡¯t get yourself killed.¡± - My heart¡¯s been heavy. I find myself on top of Darkwood¡¯s Hill, my favorite spot. There are still a few hours before my curfew and I need time to myself. I feel like I made a mistake. I''m worried about Andrew. I know he''s going to do something. He said he''ll be careful but he doesn''t know the meaning. But he said he''ll figure it out and I just have to trust that. Andrew is not someone who can''t. He excels at achieving the impossible. He hasn''t proved me otherwise. I just have to delude myself into thinking it''s going to be fine. At the bottom of the hill, Jana Kramer lies on the grass. I see now just how bad she¡¯s been. She¡¯s the same as me. She¡¯s closed off. I don¡¯t want that anymore. I want to be normal again. I want to be happy. I used to be like her. I still am. I can be better. I''m here to do that right? I''m here to get the things I want. It''s why I was given a second chance, isn''t it? I''ve been slowly remembering what Marina told me. I''ve been remembering what she showed me. I don''t have to stay in this prison. I want to get a girlfriend. I want that romantic connection I¡¯ve been depriving myself of my entire life. I want all the things I¡¯ve been denying myself all this time. There are so many things I want. Do I deserve this? Am I worthy of this? That doesn''t matter, it''s so irrelevant. Do I I want it? That''s all that matters. The right is mine because I¡¯m still here. I¡¯m still alive. I¡¯m strong. I have people to support me. I¡¯m not alone. There¡¯s going to be a time when I¡¯m strong enough to speak. I can right the wrongs that were dealt to me. I can get justice. I can be free. I will be free. 33. Andrew VI: Shallow Land Burial Andrew VI Sara was the one who found Mom dead in the bathtub. She ran to me screaming for me to help but it was already too late. There was just a lifeless corpse covered in reddish-pink water. That was the night I closed off my heart. That was the night I decided to never cry again so I could be strong. There¡¯s this idea in Sara¡¯s head that Mom was kind to us. If that¡¯s the lie she told herself to handle the trauma she gave us, then I don¡¯t mind. I know the truth. I can carry all the verbal and physical abuse for her. I don¡¯t blame her for running away from Dad¡¯s abuse either. I can carry it all for both of us. Because I¡¯m Andrew Fucking Mera. Sara has been through a lot; more than anyone should. The fact that this entire time it was Lyle who kept her captive makes me sick. It makes me so fucking angry that I just want to jump the asshole the second I see him. I bleed from my gums every time I enter the warehouse thinking that day is the last day I¡¯ll be alive. I know if I do what I want to I won¡¯t make it out. I¡¯m fine with that. All as long as Sara gets her justice. And every single time, he¡¯s not there. I get to live another day. Today¡¯s different. Today I know for a fact he¡¯ll be there. - It¡¯s not where I go first. Instead, Cody meets me at his front door after his brother fetched him for me. ¡°What the hell are you doing here?¡± ¡°Catching up with my best buddy, Cody-kin,¡± I grin but¡¯s hard to keep. ¡°No thanks,¡± he says almost shutting the door. I have it slammed on my hand just so I can stop it. ¡°Not why I¡¯m really here, dumbass. I have something of importance to tell you.¡± Cody sighs and steps outside. ¡°What?¡± ¡°It¡¯s about Elizabeth, I figured everything out.¡± Yeah, I have. After what Sara told me a couple of days ago it all started to make sense. ¡°About?¡± ¡°It¡¯s Lyle, mate. We¡¯ve been played. I¡¯ve been played this entire time. It''s all been him. He''s the one who fucked her up.¡± ¡°And who''s fault is that? You''re the one who got her involved.¡± ¡°Yeah, yeah, that''s on me.¡± I always found it odd that almost all of Lyle¡¯s dealers, workers, and runners are girls. I¡¯m one of the few males that runs around the building. The sick fuck gets a kink overseeing all of them or something like that. He brainwashes them. I talked to a few of them on occasion to find out what the deal is. Every single one of them is grateful to him. They all say he saved their lives and gave them purpose. They¡¯re all strong now. It¡¯s all bullshit, they all firmly believe in what they¡¯re doing. They don¡¯t see anything wrong in trying to rebuild what Golden Hearts left. ¡°Elizabeth stuck around to him. He started to use her, like he using me,¡± I say. Cody crosses his arms. ¡°He¡¯s the one who drove her mad, not us.¡± ¡°Oh, so now you care? What do you want? ¡± ¡°Nah,¡± I shake my head. ¡°He¡¯s the one who kept Sara. That¡¯s how I know now. It¡¯s what he does. He gets these girls and fucks them up. Makes them see him as a god. ¡± ¡°Sara?¡± Cody drops his arms. ¡°Is that what happened? Why are you telling me this?¡± ¡°Because,¡± I pause unsure what to say next. ¡°I see the true evil. I know what needs to be done. You were the closest to Ellie. You should know. Lyle probably who gave her the gun too.¡± Although if he gave her a gun that means- Nah that idea is too preposterous. Cody looks at me like he wants to believe me. ¡°Why do I get the feeling you¡¯re gonna do something stupid.¡± ¡°Someone has to stop him. For Ellie. For Sara.¡± ¡°Or you can let it go. Just stop.¡± I chuckle, ¡°Funny. Sara told me the exact same thing. I just can¡¯t stop Cody. You and I both knew where I was heading the second I started working for him. I¡¯m a disgusting filth of a human being, I deserve to go out the way I want to.¡± ¡°You¡¯re serious.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry I fucked Elizabeth. That wasn¡¯t cool of me.¡± There¡¯s silence for a minute. I¡¯m not sure if it¡¯s because Cody doesn¡¯t know what to say or because this is the first time I ever apologized for something and meant it. Cody sits on the doorstep of his porch. ¡°Is this your pathetic way of redemption?¡± ¡°Redemption?¡± I scoff. ¡°I can¡¯t be redeemed. Not anymore.¡± ¡°As much as I hate you I don¡¯t want you dead.¡± ¡°Appreciate it.¡± ¡°If what you saying is true, then was it really out of our hands this entire time? Just how much was she keeping from us? I don¡¯t get it.¡± ¡°We all keep our secrets.¡± ¡°What the fuck was she doing?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t know.¡± Truth is. I don¡¯t know anything about Lyle. I just know that people refer to him as Mendelssohn sometimes. It¡¯s a name probably given to him when he was in Golden Hearts. I heard all the high-rankers were given names of Classical composers¡ªtheir leader went as Azul Amadeus and had a fascination with classical. When the gang went down and he died, almost all the officers got arrested. They usually never went with the actual name just part of it or whatever was pleasant to hear. There was Bach, Ludwig, Chopin, Vivaldi, Liszt, Claude, and many others. Nearly all of them are behind bars. Who knows how many were there and what they¡¯re doing now? I guess Lyle was one of them. I¡¯ve tried to do research on him. There¡¯s nothing and probably because Lyle isn¡¯t his real name either. He¡¯s a ghost, just like the name Sessions implies. There¡¯s no history of this guy, nothing to look up, and just thousands of questions left unanswered. Cody finally stands. ¡°Do what you have to do. Find peace knowing that¡¯s the only good thing you¡¯ll ever do in your life.¡± ¡°Aw, thanks for the kind words.¡± ¡°And sorry I blamed you for everything, especially for Emily.¡± I can¡¯t help but laugh. ¡°Nah you got it all wrong, mate. Don¡¯t feel bad for me now,¡± I stand up, thinking now is a good time to walk away. It¡¯ll be all dramatic and shit. ¡°I¡¯ve always been jealous of you, y¡¯know. Don¡¯t ruin it for me, now.¡± If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. I get to walk away without hearing his response. Redemption? No. It¡¯s far too late for that. Even If I were to die today, death doesn¡¯t vindicate me. It doesn¡¯t vindicate. I¡¯m not a good person, fuck I¡¯m not even in the conversation. I¡¯ve known for a long time where I¡¯ve been heading. I¡¯ve been fine with it. I didn¡¯t care who I hurt, I didn¡¯t care if I got arrested, hell I didn¡¯t even care if the whole world turned against me. I wanted this. I chose this for myself. I¡¯ve had this one-way ticket to hell for a reason. At least I can protect my sister with this. And it¡¯s better if she doesn¡¯t know. She¡¯s the only one who could convince me to stop. It¡¯ll destroy her sure, but she¡¯s in good hands. She¡¯ll live. My thoughts are interrupted when I spot Grace Emily and the girl from the diner all sitting together on Emily¡¯s porch. I should¡¯ve known the girl from the diner was Emily¡¯s sister. It would have been an easy guess if I knew Ems was back in town. They might not look too much alike but their hair is identical now. She was also at Grace¡¯s picnic, fascinated that I was there. ¡°Well, well, well, if it isn¡¯t my favorite ladies,¡± I smirk walking up to them. ¡°Go away, Andrew,¡± Emily tells me. ¡°What are you even doing in this part of town?¡± ¡°Hi, Andrew,¡± Grace says weakly. Fuck this hoe for kicking me out of her party even though she came with me for that rave. Maybe she was mad I didn¡¯t pop her dumb little cherry. ¡°Catching up with Cody. Patching things up, I would say.¡± Emily laughs as if it¡¯s some joke, ¡°No way he would do that.¡± ¡°He¡¯s a changed man, Ems, gotta thank you for that.¡± ¡°He hates you,¡± she says as he hasn¡¯t been a shell of a person ever since she left. The day of the picnic was the first time I¡¯d seen him with light in his eyes. It¡¯s not that Emily is back either, something else happened. ¡°I don¡¯t know, maybe you should actually talk to him and find out. He might surprise you.¡± I turn my head to Ems''s sister. She¡¯s giving me some eyes. ¡°Who¡¯s this ball of firecrackers?¡± She stands and takes a few steps forward to give me a handshake. ¡°Jerrica. It¡¯s a pleasure to finally meet the infamous Andrew Mera.¡± ¡°You tryna fuck later or?¡± I make her laugh. I gotta admit, she was pretty interesting when I first met her at the diner. She walks with this swagger that I have never seen a girl have. I don¡¯t get her motive and I don¡¯t get why she¡¯s fascinated with me. I have never known a girl to be the first to make the first move. ¡°You wish.¡± ¡°Leave Jerrica alone and just go, right?¡± ¡°Grace you really hurt me by kicking me out of your birthday party, can I get an apology.¡± ¡°No, you weren¡¯t invited.¡± ¡°Fair enough,¡± I chuckle. ¡°I know this ain''t the best time, but you guys were cool. Especially you, Grace, it was entertaining seeing you stumble on how to be like us. And Ems? Sorry, I crashed the car, I didn¡¯t know what to do. See ya.¡± That¡¯s all I need to say. That¡¯s all there is to it. They don¡¯t need to know what¡¯s going on. They probably wouldn¡¯t care anyway. The second I get to my house I do as many lines as I need. It¡¯s a lot. The closer I get the more anxious it feels. Nah, it¡¯s not anxiety, it¡¯s excitement. I do more lines the second I park at the warehouse. Inside, everyone¡¯s here except for Lyle. Fuck it¡¯s frustrating. Acid specifically told me he¡¯ll be here today. I find Acid talking to one of the girl chemists that make the LSD. ¡°Yo man, I thought Lyle was gonna be here. Where is he?¡± Acid isn¡¯t pleased I interrupted him. ¡°I don¡¯t know. He was a few hours ago but he ran off by himself. Now fuck off, Sessions wants to talk to you.¡± ¡°You and I both know that bitch doesn¡¯t talk,¡± ¡°Communicate, now go.¡± Sessions is sitting on top of her desk with her legs crossed while she¡¯s signing with Chris. These two don¡¯t spend a second apart lately. Chris hasn¡¯t ever shown interest in a girl. If anyone would catch his interest of course it would be the albino mute. Chris steps aside when I approach and Sessions writes on a whiteboard this time. ¡°There you are. I need a favor. ¡± ¡°No, where¡¯s Lyle? I need to talk to him.¡± Sessions looks puzzled as she erases her whiteboard. She writes, ¡°You don¡¯t need to know.¡± ¡°Nah, tell me.¡± ¡°You have been angry for a while, Andrew. Something happen?¡± Chris says. I glare at Chris. His eyes aren¡¯t here. Every time I see him it feels like he¡¯s present less and less. He¡¯s always been a weirdo but lately, it¡¯s like he¡¯s losing even that. ¡°What are you even doing here? You and I both know it¡¯s impossible to make the original Winter. What¡¯s in it for you?¡± ¡°Leave him alone,¡± Sessions writes. ¡°You can¡¯t see Lyle for today. Not yet.¡± ¡°Why?!¡± She sighs and turns herself around to sit on her chair then she scrambles around a drawer. She pulls out a remote for the TV she keeps but I¡¯ve never seen one. Once it¡¯s on, she changes the channel to the news. It¡¯s the breaking news; the brother of the dead leader of Golden Hearts has been murdered. The saddened look on Sessions tells me all I need to know. Chris walks forward to get a better look. ¡°I don¡¯t get it, why?¡± I don¡¯t get it either. Why would Lyle kill the little brother of his former boss? The news elaborates on who he is. I don¡¯t recognize him. Yet they say he was married to that artist my sister really likes. They don¡¯t say who the killer is but it happened over the attempted kidnapping of the wife and daughter. ¡°Why the fuck would he do that?¡± ¡°Fulfilling his destiny, he said,¡± Sessions writes. ¡°Chris could you leave us for a bit.¡± ¡°Sure.¡± Sessions props herself up back to sit on her desk. ¡°You need to stop whatever you think you¡¯re doing.¡± ¡°What?!¡± ¡°I¡¯m telling you it¡¯s a bad idea.¡± ¡°What the fuck? What are you talking about?¡± Sessions glares at me. ¡°I know what you want to do.¡± I don¡¯t say anything as she continues to write on her whiteboard. ¡°It¡¯s not time yet. At least not now. I just need a little more time then we can be free.¡± ¡°So I¡¯m right. You don¡¯t want to be here either.¡± Session smiles and nods her head once. ¡°You¡¯re just like the girls here, aren¡¯t you? Session¡¯s smile drops as she nods again. ¡°If I ask you to help when the time comes. Will you? We¡¯re the only ones who can stop his madness.¡± ¡°Us? You know there¡¯s the feds right?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think you know how powerful he is. The girls he puppets are his protection. They''re in government, business, and law. They''re all deadly loyal to him. I¡¯m the only one who can stop him, but I needed Chris to tell me the best way. I need you." "My sister. That was you. Why didn''t you ever tell me?" "You would have failed." ¡°Did you do it out of the kindness of your heart or just so I can be in debt to you?¡± ¡°I did it to make up for the mistake of letting him grab hold of Elizabeth. ¡± Session¡¯s weird white eyes don¡¯t break from mine. I don¡¯t allow mine to break either. All of this is coming too fast and I don¡¯t fully process everything yet. I just know we¡¯re in the end game now. I get to live another day and maybe I don¡¯t have to go at it alone. ¡°And what do I have to do with it?¡± ¡°You want to forgive yourself, this is how you do it. " Fuck it. ¡°Then let¡¯s do it. Sessions extends her hand while she holds up her new piece of writing. ¡°Close your eyes.¡± I¡¯m hesitant but I close my eyes and take her hand. - I¡¯m back home. Sara¡¯s by my side. She¡¯s a kid again. I¡¯m a kid again. I¡¯m holding her hand while she cries. ¡°She-she hit me again.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay, she¡¯s just drunk, she doesn¡¯t mean it.¡± ¡°I hate her! I want her dead.¡± I smack her lightly on her head. ¡°You don¡¯t mean that. She¡¯s the only mom we have.¡± Sara curls up to hug her knees. ¡°I thought moms were supposed to be nice. At least Dad is.¡± ¡°He doesn''t stop Mom though.¡± ¡°Will you promise you won¡¯t be like them, Andy?¡± ¡°I promise and I¡¯ll always be there for you. I¡¯ll always be there to protect you. I won''t ever let you cry again.¡± - Sara leaps onto Emily¡¯s bed. We¡¯ve all gathered here for an after-party. Everyone else is downstairs while it''s just us two. No, Elizabeth is with us too. She¡¯s who helped me carry Sara upstairs. ¡°Oh my god! I had so much fun!¡± Sara groans as she makes herself comfortable. Elizabeth giggles, sitting on the edge of the bed. ¡°You really went crazy tonight.¡± I myself am rolling balls, jewing on a piece of gum. ¡°How¡¯d you like it? Told you our shit beats anything your dumb little friends can offer.¡± Elizabeth flops her back onto the bed. ¡°No, no they can¡¯t,¡± She giggles. ¡°I think I have you figured out, Andrew.¡± ¡°Oh?¡± I sit on account of my legs shaking too much. ¡°How so?¡± ¡°For the longest time, I always thought the only one you cared about is Sara. It¡¯s not. You care a lot, don¡¯t you? You love your friends the most. You just have the facade so nobody can hurt you.¡± That shit makes me laugh. ¡°Right, you caught me,¡± I say sarcastically. ¡°He¡¯s such a big softie!¡± Sara drunkenly slurs. ¡°Tell me I¡¯m wrong,¡± Elizabeth sits up. She carries a smile that wins over everyone. It¡¯s so gentle, so warm. It almost wins me over. For a second I forget who I am. I don¡¯t say anything. I could easily tell her she¡¯s wrong but I don¡¯t. My silence gives her the answer she wants so she stands. She rubs my hair and walks out of the room. ¡°I¡¯ll keep it a secret.¡± - When I open my eyes, Sessions is adjusting her bangs. 34. Chris V: Birth of a Fish Chris V I¡¯m losing my sense of self as the days go by. Things are getting harder to comprehend as they happen. Marina makes no sense. I don¡¯t make any sense. Can you? People like us are attracted to each other. It¡¯s how she found me. We¡¯re all destined to converge at one point or another. Yet I only met her. She says there are two others like us in this state. I¡¯m supposed to meet them too. I had the leave the building when the news broke that Lyle murdered that guy trying to kidnap those two girls. I had to go for a walk. None of this makes sense. The two others who are just like us had nothing to do with any of this. Did Marina tell him where they were? Have I been played? I thought I could trust her. I click on the button of the intersection pole to be able to cross the street. While I wait for the light to change, I''m unable to look at anywhere but the sidewalk below me. Water is seeping out of the cracks. In no time my ankles are surrounded by a puddle. The light changes but I''m unable to walk. I look up and realize that no cars are even driving nearby. I had no need to wait for the light change. I look back down and the water is now to my knees, then my waist. I''m in the muddle of and endless ocean flooding the city now and it only rises to submerge me completely. Regardless, I can still breathe. ¡°Why do you think you can make a difference? ¡± A voice behind me says. I''m able to move now and as I turn, I see a fish. ¡°What?¡± The world around me is confided by a two-by-four glass box. It¡¯s now me and this fish, underwater. ¡°You are scared! You''re scared! Why are you so scared?!¡± ¡°I¡¯m not scared.¡± ¡°Then why do you hide away inside your little head? I¡¯ve been watching you, Chris. You act like you don''t see it. You have everything figured out except how to admit it. It''s too bad you''re such a thinker.¡± ¡°This isn¡¯t real.¡± I¡¯m going crazy. I¡¯m going crazy. I¡¯m going crazy. The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement. The fish swims around me. ¡°The guilt over Elizabeth¡¯s is driving you crazy,¡± ¡°I''m correcting my mistake.¡± The fish laughs. ¡°Stop hiding from what you saw. Freedom isn¡¯t bound by the individual. There¡¯s no such thing as fate. There¡¯s no such thing as destiny. It¡¯s just life, man. It doesn¡¯t have to have meaning, it doesn¡¯t have to make sense. The better you can understand that, the better you can understand that it''s pointless. You''re so fixated that this road you''re seeing only has one ending. Free will doesn''t work like that.¡± ¡°You''re not making any sense.¡± ¡°You think too much.¡± ¡°How can I not?¡± ¡°Insanity always lingers.¡± Mr. Fish continues to circle around me. ¡°Break yourself from your chains.¡± I put up my middle finger. ¡°Look around you, what do you see?¡± Mr. Fish says but he''s gone now. There¡¯s no one around. The two-by-four glass box is gone but I¡¯m still underwater. As I look around, I spot something shining in the distance, across the street. I make my way there and the light only gets brighter and the underwater buildings and roads slowy become shrouded in darkness. I look back where I came from and there¡¯s nothing there, the streets have disappeared. The shining light in front of me only gets bigger. I start to run towards it until it''s so bright that the light blinds my entire sight. *bonk* I run into nothing. Nothing is in front of me except my reflection. Oh. Right. I¡¯m just a fish - A hand grabs my wrist from behind. Everything goes back to normal. I''m let go. I was running inside my head. I haven''t moved from the intersection. What a relief. Marina has her hands on her knees, audibly panting. She signs, ¡°I finally caught up to you.¡± ¡°Why did you tell Lyle? I thought I could trust you.¡± Marina¡¯s breathing slows down. These are the first noise I¡¯ve heard from her. Once she composes herself, she signs, ¡°I didn¡¯t. He shouldn¡¯t even know about them! I don''t have the power to stop him.¡± ¡°Then what does he want? Does he know I¡¯m just like you?¡± Marina shakes her head, ¡°You think I wanted this to happen?¡± ¡°Then what?!¡± ¡°Nothing.¡± Nothing? ¡°Then this what he does. He goes after people who are more special than the rest. He wants to find the people who are like us. The people whose threads you see. He has an obsession with my father but has twisted his ideas. Lyle won''t stop until he gets what he wants.¡± "Why should I trust you?" Marina takes her time signing. "You agreed, remember? You see how we can stop him. I''m the one who''s trusting you." 35. Grace VI: Tree among shrubs Grace VI I don¡¯t feel good about myself. I¡¯m stuck between feeling cute and extremely ugly. It leans towards ugly most of the time. Now that Emily is back for the summer, it¡¯s as if Cody isn¡¯t my friend anymore. I don''t hang out with him much anymore. He says he''s busy but I know that isn''t true. I know he doesn''t spend time with Emily either, but he''s thinking about her again. That''s all he does. I hate it. He doesn''t pay attention to me anymore. It¡¯s not that I¡¯m not glad Emily''s back. I love her, she¡¯s my best friend; my first friend. She¡¯s just a reminder that I can¡¯t ever have Cody. It¡¯s something I have to deal with. I have to get over it. I have to endure it. She''ll leave again eventually. Emily invited Sara and me to hang out at her house for a bit but Sara couldn''t make it because my mom is taking her to get a drug test. I¡¯m hesitant to go, but I still do. I¡¯m awkward at first. It feels like I don¡¯t belong as Emily and her sister mostly ignore me as they gossip. It feels just like when we first met. I feel like a stranger. I pass on the blunt they''re smoking on the patio of their house. I don''t feel like getting high right now. ¡°Cody tells me you finally made friends your grade, Grace,¡± Emily coughs from the blunt and passes it to her sister. ¡°Yeah. I met them at a party. They seem cool. They invited me to hang out with them later tonight.¡± ¡°Are you going?¡± ¡°I think so.¡± ¡°Emily really oversold you, Gracie,¡± Jerrica pouts. ¡°I thought I was going to meet this cute-as-a-button weirdo, but here you are. Normal.¡± ¡°Is that bad?¡± ¡°No, just not exciting.¡± ¡°Well, well, well, if it isn¡¯t my favorite ladies,¡± Andrew walks in with his iconic smirk. It startles me as he popped out of nowhere. ¡°Go away, Andrew,¡± Emily tells him. ¡°What are you even doing in this part of town?¡± My cheeks burn when I see him I don''t like him, but I''m emberrased. ¡°Hi, Andrew,¡± I saw awkwardly. ¡°Catching up with Cody. Patching things up, I would say.¡± Emily laughs, ¡°No way he would do that.¡± ¡°He¡¯s a changed man, Ems, gotta thank you for that.¡± ¡°He hates you,¡± she says. She talks about Cody like he¡¯s a terrible person. I never got that. I don¡¯t see why they have such bad blood. They want each other but refuse to just do it. It¡¯s much more complicated I¡¯m sure. I just don¡¯t see why Emily villainizes him. ¡°I don¡¯t know, maybe you should actually talk to him and find out. He might surprise you. Who¡¯s this ball of firecrackers?¡± Jerrica stands and goes up to shake Andrew¡¯s hand ¡°Jerrica. It¡¯s a pleasure to finally meet the infamous Andrew Mera.¡± ¡°You tryna fuck later or?¡± Andrew¡¯s always like this isn¡¯t he? It¡¯s all one big joke but it works for him. He always gets what he wants and when he doesn¡¯t he just tries harder. I should be more like him. If I did, then maybe I could get the things that I want. ¡°You wish.¡± ¡°Leave Jerrica alone and just go, right?¡± ¡°Grace, you really hurt me by kicking me out of your birthday party, can I get an apology.¡± ¡°No, you weren¡¯t invited,¡± I lie. He was invited. I invited him when he dropped me home that night. But I was emberrased when he showed up and I got scared. I was scared he would tell someone. ¡°Fair enough. I know this ain''t the best time, but you guys were cool. Especially you, Grace, it was entertaining seeing you stumble on how to be like us. And Ems? Sorry, I crashed the car, I didn¡¯t know what to do. See ya.¡± Andrew says and then leaves without any further pushback. What was that about? ¡°You oversold him to, Ems,¡± Jerrica complains. ¡°Where was the guy who showed up at your party, Grace.¡± ¡°He¡¯s just an asshole. Don¡¯t worry about him.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you think he was acting a bit weird?¡± I open up. I¡¯ve never heard him apologize before. His tone was unusually somber too, he didn¡¯t have his usual pep. ¡°Did he really make up with Cody?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t really care.¡± Jerrica giggles, ¡°I thought Soran taught you to be nicer than that.¡± Emily sighs and takes back the blunt from her sister. ¡°If I wasn¡¯t back home, maybe. Being back in town gives me sour feelings.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t like it back here?¡± I ask. ¡°Not particularly. I haven¡¯t felt like myself since I came.¡± ¡°Please, you¡¯re just on your period,¡± Jerrica laughs. ¡°Am not?¡± ¡°You¡¯re not coming back for good, huh?¡± ¡°Probably not,¡± Emily says. I don¡¯t know what kind of face I¡¯m making that has her giving me a pity smile. ¡°You¡¯ll be alright. You¡¯ll have Sara next year.¡± This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience. ¡°And the year after that?¡± I¡¯ll be alone, but I¡¯m not the same person I was a year ago. I''m not anxious and timid all the time. I actually keep up with the social lingo and make an effort to look good. I¡¯m not that loser Grace who Emily first made friends with. I feel like I can make friends on my own now, but will that be enough? I''ll try my hardest but will that be enough? ¡°You¡¯re good enough, Grace," Emily spooks me. Did she read my mind? "One day, you won''t need to be friends with us," she smokes. All of a sudden I want to cry. - Tina and Liz take me to the campground in the forest for a kickback. ¡°This is where all the Seniors come to hang out,¡± They tell me like I didn¡¯t already know that. No one I know is here. They¡¯re all Freshmen like me. Wait, I guess we¡¯re all Sophomores now. There are a few from my classes but I never actually talked to them before. Around a table, they have a cooler with a bunch of beer in it. Liz hands me one. ¡°Where did you get the beer?¡± ¡°One of the guys. His brother can get us anything,¡± Tina responds. ¡°Say, are the rumors true about your friends?¡± Liz asks. ¡°Rumors?¡± ¡°Don''t you use to hang out with Cody¡¯s group? Andrew, Sara, Emily, and Chris? I heard they party the hardest with all sorts of drugs. Coke, Acid, Ecstacy. All that stuff.¡± ¡°I heard Andrew¡¯s a drug dealer. He¡¯s so scary.¡± ¡°Um,¡± I take my first drink. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t really know. I¡¯ve only been to onel party with all of them once and all we did was drink.¡± It wasn¡¯t a good one. I ended up being bullied by Megan and I ran away. The only good thing about it is that I met Cody. I¡¯m not even sure if I like those kinds of parties. I just end up getting hurt one way or another. I enjoyed the rave Andrew took me to the most. I felt so good. I want to feel that euphoric again. ¡°Oh my God, look who showed up,¡± Liz changes the subject. We all turn to what she¡¯s looking at. It¡¯s that boy who talked to me when I was really drunk at the party Cody took me. His name started with an A. ¡°Alex is so hot.¡± ¡°I know right? Lucky us he¡¯s the same grade. Maybe I¡¯ll get a shot.¡± ¡°No way, bitch. I¡¯ll get to him first.¡± I¡¯m silent. I don¡¯t have anything to say. I don¡¯t who he is. I don¡¯t know how popular he is but I can tell he¡¯s up there the way the two are talking about him. Since I¡¯m not drunk, I can actually get a good look at him this time. He¡¯s not as hot as Liz and Tina said. At least that¡¯s what I think. His dark blond hair covers most of his head except for the side which is almost completely shaved at the bottom but fades up to be longer toward the top. It¡¯s cool. He¡¯s too far away for me to see his eyes but he¡¯s taller that the guys he¡¯s talking to. In fact, he¡¯s much taller. His silver cross necklace stands out in contrast from his black shirt. ¡°What do you think, Grace, hot right?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I say just to prevent any further questioning. ¡°Who¡¯s your type, Gracie? Guys like Cody? I for real thought you were dating for the longest time. Wouldn¡¯t have that been so tight?¡± ¡°I uh, umm. I haven¡¯t really thought about it. I haven''t had a crush on anybody,¡± Tina laughs, ¡°Have you been living under a rock?¡± ¡°Sort of.¡± Why do I even like Cody? I liked him the second I saw him. He was like this light and I¡¯m just a moth. Everything he does and says I like. I don¡¯t get it. There isn¡¯t much I don¡¯t like about it him either. I¡¯ve tried to find things so I could like him less. It hasn''t worked. ¡°Oh my god, oh my god! He¡¯s coming over! Stay calm!¡± I¡¯m the only one who¡¯s able to look at Alex while he walks towards us. He grabs himself a drink from the cooler. ¡°Tina, Liz. Hi.¡± ¡°Hiii, Alex,¡± they both say simultaneously. ¡°Here¡¯s another place I never thought I would see you," He says to me. "You¡¯re Grace, right?¡± Tina and Liz look at me in bewilderment. ¡°You¡¯re that drunk from that one night.¡± Alex chuckles, ¡°I didn¡¯t think you would remember.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t that drunk,¡± I lie. I just remember a snippet and just how much it was spinning. "And don''t assume I wouldn''t be here." ¡°I guess I¡¯ll see you around more often,¡± he says with a weird smile. This is flirting, right? It has to be. This is what Emily and Sara always talked about. The way he said his words; they felt sexual. Whatever that means. Alex leaves to go join his friends. ¡°Oh, my, God! Oh my God! He was so into you!¡± ¡°You think?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± They both say simultaneously again. ¡°Jesus, Gracie, who are you? You befriend the Seniors like it''s nothing and now you got Alex into you? Girl, you¡¯re so cool.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think so,¡± I laugh nervously. Is he really into me? I never had anyone like me. I thought Cody was but he was just being a friend. The energy I felt was so different. It was actually pulling me in. If Alex is really into me then that means I have a shot of getting a boyfriend. Is that what I want? It¡¯ll give me more friends. I¡¯ll have the normal high school experience everyone has. I can learn more things. I can grow up. I can be cool. But aren¡¯t I already cool? ¡°Shut up! You¡¯re so it.¡± ¡°Seriously.¡± Why are the things that want me are the ones I don''t want? - When I get home, Mom''s on the couch watching a movie with Sara. She barely acknowledges that I come home. It¡¯s been like this ever since she took Sara in. It honestly feels like I¡¯m the guest, not her daughter. I''m not even wanted by my own mother. I debate if I want to join in with them or not while I make myself a bowl of cereal. If I do, the same thing that always happens will occur. We¡¯ll just watch it in silence, Mom will ask how Sara liked it then she¡¯ll tell us she¡¯s either going to bed or to work. She won¡¯t ask me. She won¡¯t talk to me. I go upstairs so I can eat in silence. Earlier in the day, Emily asked if my English teacher gave me homework over the summer. I guess it¡¯s something that the teacher always does towards the 9th graders. It¡¯ll be the first grade for our English class in 10th. This homework is what currently sits in front of my face. I have to write a journal about my summer break. It can be about anything and everything just as long as I write down something even if it¡¯s a just single day. If I draw a giant X on the cover, I can omit the teacher from reading it. I thought it would be easy but just like every other day, I can¡¯t write anything down. There¡¯s a knock on the door but I already know it¡¯s Mom. She lets herself in just like she always does. "Gracie, you okay? You seemed down when you came in.¡± ¡°Hmm? Yeah. I¡¯m fine.¡± Mom sighs and then sits on my bed. ¡°Are you sure, ¡®cause every time you come home you always seem down. Is something going on? ¡°No, Mom, I¡¯m fine.¡± ¡°Grace.¡± I sigh. ¡°It¡¯s nothing.¡± ¡°Is it about a boy?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°It¡¯s about-¡± I clench on my pencil. ¡°No, Mom, it¡¯s nothing!¡± Mom doesn¡¯t say anything. She studies me. This is the most attention she¡¯s given me in months. ¡°You¡¯re mad at me.¡± ¡°Am not,¡± Mom sighs again and gets up from my bed. She sits down in front of me. ¡°Listen. I know I haven¡¯t been the best mom lately. This is what it¡¯s about, isn¡¯t it? It¡¯s about Sara.¡± A knot forms inside my throat that stops me from speaking or else tears are gonna form. It''s the exact same knot from this morning. ¡°I want you to understand that I¡¯m not doing it on purpose. Sara is in a lot of pain right now. I have to use most of my energy just to make sure she¡¯s doing okay. That doesn¡¯t mean you¡¯re any less important to me.¡± ¡°It¡¯s just that-¡± I can¡¯t finish the sentence. The knot gets too big. ¡°I know, I know,¡± she says so warmly exactly how I want to hear. ¡°You¡¯re still my baby girl, nothing will change that. I just need to help Sara right now. We have to help her. She needs us.¡± ¡°I just want to know if you care...¡± ¡°I do! I do. I¡¯ll try a little harder to keep you in mind, okay?¡± ¡°Okay.¡± Mom rubs my cheek, wiping away the sole tear that fell. ¡°My little angel, look how much you¡¯ve grown.¡± 36. Chris VI: The Dive Chris VI ¡°Will this be enough? Marina signs. "We have to wait a little longer. Just a bit more." Marina plans to take down Lyle and everything he¡¯s built. She¡¯s kept a record of every single thing they''ve been doing. She has every name, every transaction, and every location. She has the power to free everyone in his control. I''ve gone through it all. What Lyle and Marina have built is bigger than anyone knows. It''s the revival of the past. It''s the future that she can prevent. She can finally be free. Marina was born abandoned for how she came out; An albino freak. At least that¡¯s what she believes. She lived in foster homes after foster homes in Colorado until she was found. She was five. She calls that man her father, Azul Amadeus. The founder of an organization with delusional ideas for a better world and with even more delusional methods. He was someone like Marina, someone like me. Born as something that shouldn''t exist. He created Winter. He built a following to change the world into his ideal. The world sees him as a terrorist, and Marina sees him as someone with the best intentions. He told her she was key to his goal. He said that people who were like them were supposed to heal the world. Azul wanted to bring all of us together. The world was supposed to change. But that was a product of the past, and this is the now. We are left with the remnants that we cannot control. We became victims of it. Marina believes her father is not evil. She can''t say the same thing for Lyle. Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work! The man who was inspired to be just like Azul. The only crime we''ve committed was existence. We simply suffer because we are under what he controls. We go through this pain only because we''re in the wrong place. It''s not fair. It''s not right. But life''s not fair. We deal with the cards we are dealt and the only path is forward. It''s always forward. The past is yesterday and only the dead belong to the past. Yesterday is the shadow of today. Today is the shadow of tomorrow. Today is the present to the infinity of tomorrow. And eternity is decided by its shadows. It''s these shadows that have shadows. . "Can I show you something?¡± Before I can respond, Marina takes off her shirt. She doesn¡¯t wear a bra but that¡¯s not what interests me. It¡¯s when she turns herself around that I see what she wants me to see. Her shoulder blades are covered in bloodied cotton patches. She rips them off and I see scars along her shoulder blades; some old, some new. ¡°I¡¯m his angel." ¡°And that''s his weakness. " Marina smiles and nods. She covers her breasts with her shirt but doesn¡¯t put it on. She leans in and closes her eyes so she can kiss my lips. It¡¯s my first kiss. It¡¯s just flesh and no emotion. ¡°Thank you.¡± When I open my eyes, she¡¯s gone; replaced by a fish behind glass. It¡¯s grinning, telling me, ¡°It¡¯s too bad you¡¯re such a thinker.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°For one who explores the impossible, your vision is awfully narrow.¡± ¡°Marina?¡± ¡°She¡¯s not real. None of this is. It¡¯s time to wake up.¡± "You can''t stop me." "And who exactly is ''you''?" the fish laughs. I blink and there is no fish behind the glass. It''s a mirror. It''s me. There''s nothing else. It''s all white. It''s just me. It starts out with a question, how much of it is real? Welcome to the subconscious of an actor who murdered his sanity to stop the audience''s laughter. I am no longer hiding from my personality disorder. A stronger tide is coming. I was born a different shade from all the rotten petals. I''m wrapped in the absence of Heaven''s benevolence to have my soul be sold to the devil. I was born as a form of art that is isolated from humanity. I''ve been hidden in the darkness for too long. The light of the past is the light that''s now. It''s the light of the future and the light that''s in me. It''s the light that survived and the light that will shine. It is the light that casts the shadows of tomorrow, but that''s okay. It''s only the shadows of the present that we see. It is what''s finished and perfect. What happens when you stumble upon an answer when you never had the question? 37. Emily VI: Every time the sun comes up Emily VI I¡¯m as selfish as Soran tells me I am. I''m greedy. This town brings it out of me. Darkwood is poison to me. Ever since I¡¯ve been back I¡¯ve regressed back to old habits. I stopped eating. I¡¯ve been getting high more frequently and I¡¯ve been sleeping less. It¡¯s all in my head, I know but the atmosphere just doesn¡¯t sit right with me. I¡¯m the only one who can feel it. It hasn''t felt right since Grace''s birthday party. I''m scared that I won''t be able to leave. Cody found a place where he can build another treehouse. He wants me to come check it out and give him my thoughts. I know it''s just an excuse for us to hang out alone. I accepted. I can''t avoid him forever. Before that, I go to Seattle in the morning. A form of therapy is shopping. It¡¯s the only thing that ever helps me be less anxious. New York has expanded my sense of fashion. I was always creative of how I wore sweaters and overalls with skirts or old-style jeans. That¡¯s how I''ve always been. I dressed to hide my body. I no longer have to do that. It¡¯s something I can take pride in now. I find some stuff I can wear for the summer but it just doesn¡¯t ease my anxiety how it usually does. No top, no handbag, no cardigan or shorts looks cute on me. Nothing I try on looks good on me. Anxiety turns into neasua and I leave the store. I sit down against the building''s wall. Just as I do, I get a text from Soran: ¡°A raven just landed in front of me in Central Park. It reminded me of you.¡± It calms me down. I¡¯m thinking too much. I text him back: "Don''t let it steal you away from me now." The city¡¯s breathing. It lives to keep its secrets. The horns and engines help them be hidden. Everyone are clowns and bums, peaking in windows and kissing screens, Loving them, unable to seperate. The sun comes in over the buildings ridge, the shadows swallows men. Wrinkles, creases, cracks, and stains are hid away for a pageant. It calls the city awake. More often, the sky''s a looking glass and every exhalation creates grey across the skyscape. A dirty fog where dreams can be etched and wiped clean before they can see. Shit, I sound like Cody. That is Cody. He wrote that. I spaced out again. I don''t notice the woman walking near me as I stand up. I bump into her when I try to take a step forward. The woman catches me from losing my step. ¡°I''m so sorry, I wasn''t paying attention." I don''t get a response back. It takes me a moment to figure out if I hit my head somewhere. I''m drawn to the woman''s eyes. They¡¯re completely white except for her pupil. I can barely see her iris which is a slightly darker shade. Her lips are pale pink. Her eyebrows and her hair are completely white. Not platinum blonde or a silver white. It''s white. Her skin is so pale too. She''s an albino. The only thing protecting her from the sun is the umbrella she holds. I''ve seen her before, I''m sure. I can''t remember where. She¡¯s beautiful. ¡°It''s okay. I wasn''t looking either." I read from her phone. ¡°Huh?¡± She¡¯s mute. She types on her phone again but I shake my head and interrupt her. ¡°No, no, it¡¯s okay. I think I get it, you don''t have to tell me. I¡¯m more taken aback by how pretty you look.¡± The girl blushes. The girl wears an oversized black T-shirt that rests just above her knees. It reminds me of how rappers dressed in the early 2000s. ¡°Oh, thank you. I don¡¯t get that a lot,¡± I read ¡°Why not? You¡¯re beautiful.¡± ¡°Most people call me a freak.¡± ¡°Well, they have no taste. They don''t have an eye for art like I do.¡± If she lived in New York I have no doubt in my mind that she would get scouted to be a model. They hunger for one of a kind and this girl is one in a billion. The mute girl silently giggles as she types, ¡°Stop, you¡¯re gonna make me fall in love,¡± then types, "Thank you though, I needed that.¡± ¡°Oh, why¡¯s that?¡± ¡°Life''s been stressful lately. I''m scared that I made a wrong choice.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that, is there anything I can do to help?¡± The girl shakes her head. She types on her phone but deletes it, then starts over, ¡°Your compliment was enough. It¡¯s nice to meet you.¡± ¡°I''m Emily. Hi!¡± Oddly, her eyes twitch at the mention of my name. The smile that forms kneads the feeling that I had seen her before further. Last year. I''m sure of it. But where? ¡°Have we met before?¡± Marina frantically shakes her head. ¡°No. You just reminded me of a friend. You have a similar name.¡± ¡°And here I thought I was one of a kind,¡± I joke. I make her laugh. No noise comes out of her even though I know even people with broken vocal cords can still make sounds over a laugh. ¡°Why were you sitting?¡± ¡°Oh you know, anxiety.¡± ¡°Anything I can do to help?¡± I kick the ground. ¡°Not unless you convince my brain to eat the cake I made. I need courage.¡± ¡°Boy trouble?¡± ¡°Isn''t it always?¡± Marina shakes her head, frowning. ¡°I never had the luxury.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not as great as it seems.¡± Marina sits where I just stood up from. ¡°I don¡¯t have anything else to do. Tell me about it.¡± I sigh and sit next to her. She¡¯s a stranger. I¡¯ve already gone over it a dozen times with Jerrica. Each time I just get stuck with the same issue. I still love Cody, that feeling hasn''t gone away. He¡¯s my best friend. But we don''t work and I tried not being friends with him so I could hurt him like how he did to me. I wanted him to learn to appreciate me. The plan was for him to come begging on his knees when he did. But that was manipulation, just like he did. And I was okay with that. I just never expected I would fall in love with someone else. I just never thought it would be possible. I thought my feelings for Cody would go away if I distanced myself away from him again. I thought if I told him I found someone new, that''d help. I thought I could forget about him, but I can''t. I''m back in Washington to find out if I''m able to stay friends with Cody. The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. To find out if Soran is the right man for me. I tell the mute girl this. She''s a stranger and doesn''t know the whole story. I don''t even know why I spent ten minutes just talking about it. My heart tells me I can trust her. ¡°Oof, you really had to make it complicated, didn''t you?¡± Marina writes. I truly didn¡¯t mean to. ¡°I get the gist of it. I think I can help.¡± ¡°How?¡± Marina extends her hand to me. Without thinking I take it. Marina opens her mouth to speak and nothing comes out but I¡¯m able to read her lips regardless, ¡°Close your eyes.¡± - Elizabeth sits next to me on top of the treehouse with both of our feet hanging out. It¡¯s just the two of us. ¡°So you¡¯re not mad that I¡¯m with him? How could you be so cool about it?¡± I shake my head while checking out my nails. ¡°He always comes back to me.¡± Elizabeth almost scoffs, ¡°Maybe this time he won¡¯t.¡± I remember this day. We were waiting for everyone else to join us. It was during the fourth of July and it was just beginning to get complicated. I¡¯m not watching this. I¡¯m reliving it again. ¡°I doubt that.¡± ¡°What makes you say that?¡± ¡°We made a promise to marry one another when we turn 21¡± Right. We were never truly friends. We put up amicable faces with one another. I never liked the fact that she was dating Cody that summer and she never liked me because I was so passive-aggressive about it. We were both putting up this farce just to keep the peace. "A lot can change. The future is never set in stone." "Have you made him cum yet?" "What?!" "Has he came? He cums with me." Right. I''ve forgotten. Cody was all mine. I was glad when Elizabeth died. I¡¯m with Cody now. We¡¯re in his room with my head resting on his bare chest. He¡¯s messaging the back of my head with one hand and holding me tight with the other. I forgot this too ¡°Did she really fuck Andrew?¡± I ask him. ¡°Yeah, she did,¡± he says so calmly. ¡°Did you break up with her yet?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Good.¡± Right. This was the night after a party near the end of last summer. Elizabeth made up with the friends she never liked and was hanging out with them. She joined them in running some girl out of the party. Cody was already pissed at her for her erratic behavior. I asked him if I could go to his house after. This was the last time I would have him like this. Cody kisses the top of my head. It prompts me to move up and meet his lips. ¡°You¡¯ll be mine forever,¡± I tell him. I move myself to get on top of his. His bed sheets roll my back, exposing my body to him. I¡¯m skinny, far too skinny. I can see the outline of my bottom ribs. There isn¡¯t a person who would ever see this except for him. ¡°Yours forever.¡± I move my hand to adjust it then we converge once more. I remember the first time we did it; awkward and unpleasant. The second was barely any better. The third was when Mom and Jerrica left for New York, I thought that one felt the most special. Thirty minutes ago would be the fifth and this is now the sixth. It¡¯s all passion. It¡¯s all romantic. Time is taken. It¡¯s slow. It¡¯s sweaty and hot. It¡¯s amazing. I want nothing less. I instigated this. I told him that it was okay. I told him it would make him feel better. He was lost. He was confused. He was anxious. He was vulnerable. My head ends up lying on his chest again after it¡¯s over. ¡°I want it to be the two of us from now on. I don¡¯t want anything to come between us anymore.¡± ¡°I''ll build you a sandcastle,¡± Cody responds. He moves me out of the way to reach over to his drawer. A chocolate bar greets my face. ¡°Here, eat.¡± ¡°Trying to fatten me up?¡± He chuckles, ¡°Have you ate today?¡± ¡°Chocolate¡¯s the best you have?¡± I say after taking it. ¡°Let¡¯s go out for dinner then, in Seattle.¡± ¡°Okay.¡± - When I open my eyes, I find the ghost of a girl standing in front of me with her phone facing me. ¡°Did that help?¡± I¡¯m not sure what just happened. It was like I was sent to the past, it was that real. Yet, I¡¯m not questioning it too much. It felt natural, normal. How could I have forgotten? I¡¯m just as toxic. I''m just as manipulating. I thought I already admitted it, but this is different now. I haven''t let it go. - I have to let him go. - Cody is where he said he would be all day. Ten minutes east of where the old treehouse was, I found another clearing. Near the middle is a gigantic tree that hasn¡¯t been growing right. Part of the trunk is split in to with one rising diagonally. It''s not hard to imagine Cody''s image. ¡°I didn¡¯t think you would show up,¡± ¡°Well, here I am. Better now than never.¡± ¡°I guess it¡¯s better this way.¡± ¡°You think? Come, I gotta show you the blueprint.¡± I follow him to the base of the tree where he has everything stationed on a makeshift desk. The outline of the house is similar to what I had in my head. A base will be built on the bottom to help the two largest tree branches support the bottom of the house. It¡¯s designed to have smaller tree branches go in and out freely. It¡¯ll have a patio where a ladder will extend to another house, rather than a cabin near the top of the tree. That I couldn''t imagine. Our last treehouse took over a year to build with the help of Travis and their dad. What I''m seeing now is much more ambitious. It looks like it''ll be more like an actual house. ¡°Did you draw this?¡± ¡°Travis. Impressive right?¡± ¡°Must be nice having an architect as a brother.¡± ¡°Isn''t Jerrica going to be a lawyer? You a much more useful perk.¡± I have to get it over with. ¡°Listen, Cody, I need to tell you that-¡± ¡°Save it,¡± he interrupts. ¡°Whatever you have to say, just tell me when you leave back to New York." "But-" "I''ll tell what I''m thinking then too.¡± He knows. He has to know, doesn¡¯t he? I haven¡¯t exactly been hiding it. I barely text him anymore and barely respond. I¡¯ve been back home for two weeks and only hung out with him a couple of times. We haven¡¯t been alone together since Grace¡¯s birthday. Jerrica or Grace are usually the ones to be our buffers. If he knows, then he already has accepted it. ¡°If that¡¯s what you want then, okay.¡± ¡°You''re here for the summer,¡± Cody smiles. ¡°There''s no need to think about anything just yet. Let''s just enjoy it." I smile back and nod. I made up my mind already. I don''t have to break my heart just yet. A blurred man steps out of the brushes far behind Cody. "Did you invite someone else?" I ask him. Cody turns and immediately gets in front of me and forces me to take a step sideways to see who it is. I¡¯ve only seen him once, but once was enough. The way he walks creates this strong aura where he owns the space. It was like that back then, it¡¯s like that now. I don¡¯t know why he¡¯s here. ¡°Pretty cozy place you have,¡± Lyle speaks. ¡°What are you doing here?!¡± ¡°I had a lot of free time lately, I got bored,¡± he claims. ¡°Hmm, I heard from a friend of mine that there was a treehouse in the middle of this forest. I couldn¡¯t find it, but I found this instead.¡± ¡°Well, it¡¯s gone now anyways. We¡¯re just about to leave too.¡± ¡°Ah, now I recognize you,¡± he points his finger at Cody. He¡¯s only pointing but he makes it seem so terrifying, like it''s a gun. ¡°You¡¯re Elizabeth¡¯s boyfriend. Yeah. She¡¯s the one who told me about this place. I thought I should finally check it out now and find out why she hated it so much. Didn''t think I would run into you. Boy did she have a lot to say about you.¡± ¡°She¡¯s dead,¡± I blurt out accidentally. ¡°I know. Sort of wish you were more careful with my angel. She was supposed to be my masterpiece and you guys took that away.¡± ¡°What?!¡± Cody¡¯s eyebrows instantly lowered from worried to anger. ¡°I¡¯m still pretty pissed about it. She was mine.¡± ¡°So what Andrew told me was right. You¡¯re the one who fucked her up. It¡¯s you. It¡¯s always been you! Why did you give her a gun?!¡± It all clicks for me. I never knew. This is what she was hiding from us. Elizabeth was working for Lyle. Lyle. He¡¯s the one behind everything. He¡¯s the one Andrew works for. He¡¯s the one who Elizabeth turned to. Lyle stands still but feels like he¡¯s ready to attack us at any moment. I hide behind Cody. ¡°And?¡± Lyle walks up to Cody. I take a few steps back. ¡°Certainly I never told her to shoot herself with it. She was my doll, I would never do that. It''s a shame. I was so close to making her perfect. You should have seen the look on her face when she killed for me,¡± he chuckles. No. That can¡¯t be true. Elizabeth would never do that. It¡¯s the last thing she would ever do. We may have never gotten along but she was kind. She could never. My eyes are drawn to Cody¡¯s clenched fist. He¡¯s holding back. ¡°You¡¯re lying.¡± ¡°I had to break her somehow. Y''know, the day she did it, the day you and I met, she mentioned that she wouldn''t have gotten in my car if you were a little bit nicer.¡± Cody rushes him and Lyle moves out of the way like it¡¯s nothing. He stumbles and almost falls. ¡°That¡¯s no way to treat a guest. I¡¯m not here to fight.¡± ¡°I am!¡± Cody¡¯s eyes are nothing but rage, but he hasn''t lost himself yet. ¡°How many like her?!¡± ¡°Elizabeth was a cut above the rest¡± he laughs; mocking. ¡°She was something special.¡± Elizabeth wasn¡¯t the only one? ¡°You there, you¡¯re pretty cute. Want to be one of my muses?¡± ¡°As if!¡± Cody swings at Lyle but misses. The next one is caught and he¡¯s just pushed away. ¡°I¡¯m kidding, she doesn''t have what it takes.¡± Lyle laughs, backing away. ¡°Life¡¯s not that serious. You''re lucky I''m in a good mood today. I hope we never see each other again.¡± ¡°Just go!¡± ¡°You won¡¯t be so lucky next time if we do.¡± - Cody hasn¡¯t said anything in the ten minutes that passed. I still haven¡¯t processed what Lyle said. It can¡¯t be true. But it makes sense. He forced her. That¡¯s the only way she would and it was killing her inside. That¡¯s the only thing that makes sense. It just means that it wasn¡¯t us she died over. It¡¯s not even something she could ever talk about. How could she? She just had to live with it. All the drugs she was taking, all of that was just to mask the pain. She just wanted to be numb and we took that away from her, we made her worse. If only we knew. I know now that I can¡¯t live in a world of what-ifs. The dead don¡¯t speak. ¡°Are you okay?¡± I finally ask. Cody just bumps his head against the trunk of the tree. He brings his knees up, lays his elbows on them, and holds his hands. ¡°I think I finally get it,¡± he says. ¡°Get what? "We killed her, Emily. Maybe not directly, but we pushed her. None of this would have happened if we left her alone. This town doesn''t corrupt. We do." He sounds so sincere. His words come out shaking. I imagine he¡¯s being split in two. That¡¯s how he feels. He¡¯s heartbroken. I want to tell him that¡¯s is okay. I want to lie to him that there isn¡¯t anything to apologize for. I want to show him that everything will be fine. But I can¡¯t. Everything that happens inside this town can''t be controlled. It just happens. It''s chaos. We have no power over it. It just takes and takes until there''s nothing left. Leaving is the only option. That''s what I did. Now I''m thrown back into the same chaos I escaped. I didn''t ask for this. I thought I made my peace with Elizabeth. I''ve been ignoring it all this time. I was looking for excuses so I could make myself feel better. I thought I understood her reasons. Ellie had darker shadows than she showed. I thought I knew who she was. Turns out, I didn''t know a thing about her. I''m ready to leave this town behind. I got one last summer. I have to cherish all the time I have. 38. Sara VII: and those guardian angels carried you away Sara VII I¡¯m awoken by my own scream. I had the same nightmare again. It¡¯s the nightmare that never leaves. I can¡¯t escape from it. It¡¯ll haunt me forever. Virginia rushes to my side. She rubs my back to calm me down from my hyperventilation. I hate waking her up. She doesn¡¯t need to do this for me, yet she still does. Virginia has no need to care about me as much as she does. She¡¯s my mom. I have a mom again. ¡°You okay? I¡¯ll get you some water, honey,¡± She asks as soon as I¡¯m calm again. ¡°Wait,¡± I stop her just as she reaches my door. ¡°You¡¯re my mom, okay?¡± Virginia smiles, ¡°I¡¯m your mom. I¡¯ll be right back.¡± I¡¯ve been thinking a lot about what it means to have a second chance in life. That¡¯s what I was given. I haven¡¯t exactly been using it. Virginia calls it healing. I don¡¯t know what to make of it. I just know I¡¯m tired of feeling empty. For the past few months, I¡¯ve been safe. I haven¡¯t been alone. I have people who love me. I think it¡¯s time. Virginia comes into my room with a glass in hand and I ask her, ¡°Can I invite Andrew over for Lunch?¡± Virginia doesn¡¯t protest or reject it. She just says, ¡°Okay.¡± Grace isn¡¯t able to join us but I feel that it''s better this way. It should just be between the three of us. Mom made soft tacos with sliced beef. Andrew always eats too fast. It¡¯s no exception today. I prefer to take my time. ¡°So, Andrew, any plans after you graduate next year?¡± Virginia tries to make conversation. I want to tell them. I have to tell them. This entire time I just have this fear that the world will end if I do. It feels like everything will just start to crumble. Andrew laughs, ¡°You¡¯re joking, right?¡± ¡°You must have something planned, no?¡± ¡°Nah, I never thought about it.¡± ¡°Sara tells me you have all straight A¡¯s despite, um, being you. You¡¯re obviously gifted. Isn¡¯t there anything you¡¯d like to do?¡± ¡°Yeah, lots. I do them all the time.¡± ¡°No, I mean-¡± ¡°Don¡¯t be a smart ass, Andrew,¡± I interrupt. Andrew looks over to me and bites his lips. ¡°Look, I ain¡¯t gonna lie to you, Virginia. The only thing I see in my future is being behind some bars.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you think that¡¯s a bit sad?¡± ¡°I think it¡¯s real.¡± My mind slowly starts to drift. I brought Andrew here to tell him. I have Virginia here because I trust her. Together I know these two will know what to do. I honestly feel so weak. I had the power to speak up and end all of this madness but it was just so hard. I don¡¯t know what it is. I don¡¯t know if I¡¯m afraid of what will happen afterward or if everyone will start seeing me differently. It¡¯s all so much. What if Andrew snaps? What if I won¡¯t be in the custody of Virginia? What would my Mom do? ¡°Prove to me you¡¯re more than just chaos.¡± ¡°What¡¯s in it for me?¡± It¡¯s not feasible to be living in fear. It controls me. It stops me from smiling. It drains me. I¡¯ve known my entire life that I was just like my mom. I¡¯ve had this empty feeling this whole time. Everything else that has happened just exacerbates it. I can¡¯t escape from it. It will kill me one day, just as it did with Mom. That doesn¡¯t mean I can¡¯t fight it. I don''t have to be in the same prison she was. What do they call it? Depression? It doesn¡¯t matter. I used to be so afraid. I used to be so afraid that I was gay. I was afraid Andrew wouldn¡¯t love me anymore because of it. That turned out to not be true. I was just letting fear take control of my actions. I did things that disgusted me just to hide from it. It just broke me even more knowing it was all for nothing. I buried my nose in piles of cocaine. It was my favorite drug. It masked the darkness inside and made me feel as if I never had it to begin with. It gave me power. I was a queen. I was unstoppable. Then I would crash and the numbness would come back ten times fiercer than before. I still remember the nights Elizabeth and I would spend together. We shared the same pain. She confided in me just how lost she was becoming. I thought having another person share my addiction would make me feel less lonely. I never once thought about how she felt. And now she¡¯s gone. And then I remember. I told her. I did tell her. What my father did wasn''t the first time. I had just forgotten. Elizabeth listened. She held me. She dried my tears. She cheered me up. She stayed by my side. She told me she was going to help me escape. Then she died and never could. Why did I forget? That''s what my guardian angel showed me. ¡°Andy, Mom,¡± I interrupt in a voice I don¡¯t recognize. It¡¯s so loud. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve ever been so loud. ¡°Mom?¡± ¡°Yeah?" ¡°I have something to say,¡± It feels like I swallowed a brick. ¡°It¡¯s important and scary. I don¡¯t even know if I can, but I would like to try. I can¡¯t keep fighting it anymore.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to fight, you just have to survive.¡± Virginia I never planned to take in Sara. I can barely afford to take care of Grace as it is. I¡¯m hardly ever home and when I am I spend most of it sleeping. I¡¯m a terrible mother to her who never had the time to teach her how to properly be a girl. It¡¯s my fault she turned out to be so sheltered. That was never my intention. I just wanted her to grow up to be a normal girl. Then my grandmother died and left this house for us. I took the first opportunity to get the hell out of California and all the pain her classmates were giving her. I wanted a fresh start. I was happy that she sneaked out to that party. I let her. I just never expected a girl to shoot herself in front of my little Gracie. I thought it was going to be middle school all over again. It almost was, but Grace manage to make friends who are good to her. I still remember the first genuine smile she gave while telling me all about her day. Sara and Emily filled in the role of the mother figure I could never give her. Grace wouldn¡¯t leave her room for days when she thought Sara was dead. It¡¯s a miracle she turned out to be fine. It was her brother that asked me to take her in after their father kicked her out. I didn¡¯t want to. It wasn¡¯t my job and I couldn¡¯t even afford it. And then Grace asked. Sara told me everything. She was honest. She was scared. I learned everything about her. The life she wasn¡¯t given wasn¡¯t fair. No child should go through what she has. It was her words that forced me to take action. I didn¡¯t have a choice. And yet it felt that she was hiding something else. It was hard at first. Sara was always so cold and unresponsive. She would listen but she was never present. I tried my best, I truly did, and boy did it test my patience. Her night terrors were the worst. I didn¡¯t know how to handle it at first. They would wake me and annoy me to the point where I would consider kicking her out. But that wasn¡¯t the condition I gave her for getting kicked out. Not once in this entire time, she¡¯s been with us has she touched drugs. Sara would eventually warm up. I got her to talk to me. She started to help around the house. Eventually, I would see her smile. I started to see who she really is. Her night terrors became easier to deal with and became less frequent. Trust was born. I don¡¯t see her anymore as someone I¡¯m helping get on their feet. The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. It feels like I gained another daughter. Sara tries to speak but no words come out. Her entire body is shaking. She fumbles her words and I have to tell her to calm down. Sara sighs and takes a deep breath. I¡¯ve had my suspicions for the longest time. It doesn¡¯t come any easier when Sara tells us. My heart still drops and shatters. My worst fears are true. Sara¡¯s body goes limp and I instinctively rush over to her and wrap my arms around her. I try my best to think of something to say or something to do but nothing feels right. Nothing would make it better. Sara starts to shake and a few moments later, breaks down. Andrew¡¯s fist slams down on the table hard enough that I hear it cracking. ¡°I¡¯ll fucking KILL HIM!¡± He shouts. The vibrations send a cold chill down my spine. His words a genuine. ¡°Stop, just calm down!¡± I lift myself to face him. He¡¯s not even looking at me. ¡°Don¡¯t you think it¡¯s stupid to tell me? Do you know what I¡¯m going to do after I leave?¡± ¡°You aren¡¯t going to do anything and let the adult handle this. I¡¯ll-I¡¯ll figure it out. I have a lawyer and I can-¡± Andrew shrugs. He¡¯s so sure of himself that I can¡¯t even tell if he¡¯s pissed off. ¡°So what¡¯s going to happen?¡± ¡°Nothing, yet. Just let me handle it.¡± Andrew laughs and smacks the table before getting up. ¡°Nah, let me tell you what¡¯s going to happen. You¡¯re gonna call the cops right now because if you don¡¯t, that fucker¡¯s dead, yeah?¡± ¡°Andrew!¡± My words don¡¯t reach him. He¡¯s out the door before I can say anything else. I run outside and see he¡¯s bolting down the street. I can feel his anger and it scares me. It¡¯s almost supernatural. Andrew lives on the other side of town so even if he is running, it¡¯ll take him a while to get there. He isn¡¯t bothering to answer his phone so I¡¯m forced to chase him. The keys are upstairs laying on my countertop so I waste a minute there. I run back downstairs to find Sara standing in front of the doorway. ¡°Stay in the house, sweetie. I¡¯ll stop him!¡± ¡°Bring him back to me,¡± she cries. ¡°Okay.¡± By the time I¡¯m on the road, I don¡¯t see Andrew anywhere. Andrew¡¯s nowhere to be seen which doesn¡¯t make sense. I would have caught up to him by now but he¡¯s not anywhere. Logically, I can only think that he went inside the forest to cut straight through town. Still, I should have gotten there before him. Like a cosmic joke, there¡¯s a car crash on one of the streets that forces me to a standstill. I¡¯m left with no choice but to dial 911. I¡¯ll be too late to stop anything. I call Grace next. I don¡¯t mean to, but I yell at her to get home so she can watch over Sara. I don¡¯t negotiate with her. I get to the house before the police even do. There¡¯s nothing but silence from the outside but I¡¯m cautious when I enter. ¡°Fuck, fuck, fuck! Did she call the cops?!¡± I hear his father. ¡°So it¡¯s true?!¡± ¡°I gotta get out of here!¡± I turn the corner of the living room where I can see they¡¯re in the kitchen. Andrew is eyeing a pair of keys and then grabs them. His father notices this. ¡°Give me the keys, Andrew.¡± Andrew backs off and shakes his head. ¡°Give me the fucking keys.¡± Andrew clutches the keys tighter as his father tries to grab them. ¡°Nah,¡± Andrew shakes his head again. Andrew¡¯s father sniffs and then laughs. It¡¯s similar to Andrews. ¡°Don¡¯t be a fucking idiot, Andrew. I didn¡¯t fucking even remember it. Now give me the keys so I can fucking leave.¡± ¡°No!¡± Andrew is breaking down. Out of all the stories Sara shared about him, she never once mentioned one where he cried. Andrew never struck me as someone who does. Yet away from everyone and only to his father, he¡¯s crying. I need to stop this but nothing is happening just yet. The worst-case scenario didn¡¯t happen and I¡¯m unsure of what Andrew wants here. He¡¯s vulnerable here. Andrew¡¯s exactly who I thought he is. His father pulls out a switchblade and holds it to his face. ¡°Give me the fucking keys, Andrew, or I¡¯ll fucking slit your throat. Don¡¯t fucking think I¡¯ll do it because I don¡¯t give a shit.¡± Andrew bawls his eyes out and clenches his fists around the keys. ¡°Neither do I,¡± he weeps. ¡°Stop it, both of you!¡± I make my presence known. They both look over, then two officers shout for Andrew¡¯s father to put the switchblade down. - Everything happens too fast. It¡¯s a series of driving to places and questions day in and day out. It¡¯s exhausting and a pain. Sometimes it felt like It¡¯ll never end but then the unthinkable happens. We get a court date and Sara gets to stay with me. Sara gets the justice she deserves and her father is arrested. I learn that Andrew will be placed in foster care until he turns 18. He disappears from child protective services before he can go anywhere, however. More days pass and Sara only withdraws herself even more. I planned for it for a while, but I booked an appointment to have her see a therapist. It¡¯s much earlier than I would like but I¡¯m not enough to help her anymore. I thought things would get better now that things have settled. Things were getting better, it¡¯s just¡­ It¡¯s frustrating. Sara doesn¡¯t talk to me anymore. I meet Andrew on top of the tallest hill located in the town¡¯s park. I asked him to meet me here. He hasn¡¯t been far this entire time. He¡¯s just been couch surfing just so they don¡¯t take him away. He doesn¡¯t want to be far from his sister. ¡°How is Sara doing?¡± he asks. ¡°I don¡¯t know. Not well, I guess. She¡¯s not leaving her room again.¡± ¡°Fuck,¡± he grunts. ¡°Just be there for her. She¡¯s stronger than she knows.¡± ¡°I know,¡± I pause. I can¡¯t believe the idea ever seemed reasonable in my mind. I just don¡¯t know what else to do. ¡°Andrew, I want you to come live with us. We have one last spare room.¡± ¡°What?¡± he scoffs. ¡°It¡¯s the only thing I can think of that makes sense now.¡± ¡°So what? You¡¯re giving me a place to stay out of pity now? No thanks, I¡¯m doing fine as it is now.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not pity. It¡¯s kindness.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you know anything about me? I¡¯m no good.¡± ¡°Oh, I know. That¡¯s why you¡¯ll have the same rules as Sara. No more drugs, no more parties and no more destroying everything you touch.¡± ¡°Sounds like shit conditions. No thanks. Besides, I don¡¯t need any savings. I¡¯m too far gone.¡± His words frustrate me to no end. He¡¯s so damn stubborn that it infuriates me, even. He¡¯s just like Grace¡¯s father; someone who doesn¡¯t accept other people¡¯s help. ¡°There isn¡¯t anyone in this world who¡¯s too far gone.¡± ¡°And what¡¯s in it for you? People are too shit. Nobody does anything just to be kind. I¡¯m not here to fill your savior complex. You can have Sara for that.¡± It¡¯s just so sad. ¡°I want to live in a world where kids like you don¡¯t believe that. Just think about it, okay? I have a room ready for you. You just have to be as strong as your sister.¡± I can¡¯t even afford it. Any spare money I have goes to feeding the girls. One more mouth would break me. I can manage. I can figure it out. There are always off-brand foods I can buy and coupons I can use. I can take longer shifts. Grace would understand. I can do it. But at what cost? Just how much am I sacrificing to do what is right? Just how much will Gracie will hate me for it? Sara The long nightmare is over. Virginia told me the details but to be honest, I didn¡¯t listen. I don¡¯t care. The only thing that matters is that I get to stay here where I¡¯m safe. That¡¯s all that matters. Gracie knocks on my door, ¡°come in,¡± I tell her. No lights are on. I don¡¯t think they¡¯ve been on for days. ¡°I thought Mom said no smoking,¡± she points to the cigarette I¡¯m holding. Oddly enough, I haven¡¯t had the urge to smoke it. ¡°I¡¯m not.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± Grace has been acting odd toward me ever since that day. She¡¯s careful with her words as if she¡¯s afraid she¡¯ll say something she shouldn¡¯t. I have no doubt she knows. Everyone does. Emily¡¯s been trying to comfort me this entire time but I don¡¯t let her. I don¡¯t really need it. ¡°You don¡¯t have to treat me like I¡¯m a piece of glass.¡± ¡°No, I know. It¡¯s just,¡± Grace pauses to sit on the edge of my bed. ¡°I don¡¯t know what to do. I feel like a bitch because I started to dislike you stealing all of Mom¡¯s attention. I feel bad. I didn¡¯t know.¡± ¡°Grace, It¡¯s okay.¡± ¡°I thought when you came to live with me we were going to become like sisters. I was really excited. I was mad at you for never spending time with me for that reason. I¡¯m sorry. I wasn¡¯t thinking about what you were going through¡± Oh. There were various times when Grace would try to connect with me and I would brush her off. I never considered that she just wanted to be my friend again. I¡¯m selfish that I wasn¡¯t letting her in because I wanted to be alone. But I think that¡¯s okay now because we¡¯re talking now, right? After all, everything turned out to be fine. ¡°You wanted to be sisters?¡± ¡°Or at least close to it. It¡¯s hard growing up by yourself.¡± My body moves on its own. It gets out of my bed and it¡¯s only now that I notice just how messy everything is. I sit next to little Grace. She¡¯s not so little anymore. This isn¡¯t the timid, naive, and anxious Gracie. ¡°We can be sisters. Everything¡¯s over. I can only go up from here. I promise. Big sis, Sara, I like the sound of that,¡± I laugh. It feels good. I haven¡¯t laughed in so long. It genuinely feels so good. It¡¯s like ecstasy, MDMA, and the euphoria that comes with it. ¡°Do you mean it?!¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I smile. ¡°What do you wanna do right now? We¡¯ll go do it, just you and me.¡± ¡°I always wanted to see how I would look like if I dressed like you! I¡¯ve tried your clothes, but they don¡¯t fit.¡± She is adorable. She makes me laugh. ¡°You want to be goth?¡± ¡°No, I just want to see what I would look like.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± I grab hold of her hand and stand her up along with myself. ¡°I know just the place in Seattle.¡± ¡°How are we going to get there? Mom¡¯s at work.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure Andrew will let us borrow the car he always uses.¡± Andrew said he''d find a way to escape the demon that haunts us. He¡¯ll find a way to stop the devil that haunts this town. He said he will. I believe him. It''s been weeks now and Andrew''s still here. Andrew is still alive. The thread he walks hasn¡¯t snapped. I wake up every day expecting to hear the news that he''s gone. I have to trust him that he won''t let himself fall. I have to help him not to. I have just been too weak to give any effort. It scares me that I won''t find the strength to help him in time. These past few nightmare-less days have been brutal for no reason. There doesn¡¯t have to be a reason, I accept that. The world has been monotone. It¡¯s been colorless. It¡¯s been binary. Lifeless. To be honest it is been that way since Mom died. Everything truly did change after that. Dad became abusive and Andrew started to walk down a path of self-destruction. I fell into a coma of sorrow and the only thing that helped was drugs. But what happens when your nose won¡¯t stop bleeding and nothing hits the same? Everything becomes meaningless. You lose purpose. You lose the desire to be alive. You lose the spark that pushes you forward. That¡¯s what happened to Elizabeth, isn¡¯t it? Emily told me what happened. If she really did something like that, how can you come back from that? You can''t. That¡¯s all there was to it. I don''t have to be consumed by my fears. They don''t define me. They don''t make me. I can rise above them. It''s those fears, this prison, that''s what makes me so strong. I knew that. Sometimes I forget that I am but that''s okay. Life isn''t supposed to be easy. Mendelssohn or Lyle or whatever he calls himself. He was right. I can be a storm. I can stand and fight. I¡¯m strong enough to do whatever I want. I¡¯m strong enough to find the happiness I¡¯ve been searching for so long. He was just wrong about being his storm. I won¡¯t be a slave to him or fear. I step outside and the world is in color again. I can breathe the air. It¡¯s so clean. The quiet ambiance of the outside is a symphony to my ears. I¡¯ve never seen such beauty, I never heard it. I¡¯ll be strong enough to beat the darkness that took Mom away. I¡¯m Sara fucking Mera. I¡¯m just so fucking happy I¡¯m still alive! - ¡°Sara!¡± Grace¡¯s arms wrap around my body. ¡°It¡¯s gonna be okay!¡± For once, I¡¯m crying with a smile I never thought possible anymore. 39. Andrew VII: I loved you at your darkest Andrew VII There was never any ghost that haunted me. I am that ghost. I haunt. I torment. All I ever do is make things worse. All I ever do is hurt. I want to hurt. I need to. It¡¯s the only thing that makes me feel better about myself. It¡¯s the only thing that makes me feel real. I knew for a long time. I knew what she did for the longest time. I just didn''t want to admit it. Elizabeth was too good to ever be someone like me. There¡¯s no point in living in the past. There¡¯s no point in worrying about the future. All we have is today. The past is dead and buried and tomorrow will never come. All we have is the now. All I have are these dreams. I dream that I never did anything bad. I dream of a world where everything turned out to be okay. In this world, I¡¯m not on the edge. I¡¯m not hanging by the hope that everything will turn out to be okay. I dream that I never became the person I made myself to be. I think about falling. I think about letting go. I have this dream where I''m swinging the ever-shit of a baseball bat at my dad. He''s screaming and crying for help but no one listens. I dream that it''s more to do with protecting Sara than just killing him. I know these dreams aren¡¯t real. They¡¯re fake. A fantasy. An illusion. A fucking joke. What else do I have besides who I am? What else can I do? I do my rounds. I drive around the city. I hand out baggies, collect the money, and go to my next destination. I beat the ever-living shit of those who can¡¯t pay. I don¡¯t have to, I want to. It proves I¡¯m not the person my sister wants me to be. It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t notice, it¡¯s just that I don¡¯t care. People think I can be redeemed as if I can save myself. There¡¯s no coming back from what I¡¯ve done. I have to live with it. It¡¯s all I can do. Elizabeth couldn''t live with it. I don''t blame her that she couldn''t. Sessions has this plan with Chris. She says that it''ll put an end to Lyle. I''ve been waiting for that day but it never comes. It''s making me impatient. I want to cave into my rage and just do it myself. I don''t need their help. I''m not looking for redemption. I want revenge. I want to avenge Elizabeth. I want to end his madness. Madness that we did nothing to deserve. Elizabeth never deserved it. Sara never deserved it. None of the girls under his control deserved it. It''s sick. I couldn''t care less for his reasons. Lyle is a plague, the sickness that we''re all affected by and no one knows they are. A sickness I help spread. It''ll end soon. I just don''t understand what''s taking so long. - I stop by a gas station on the way home in the middle of the night. I don¡¯t know what time it is. I¡¯m too fucked up on ketamine to care to check. I need an energy drink but it''s hard to focus. I catch myself staring at the bottom of the fridge for who knows how long. My consciousness isn''t inside my body. Anything outside of the building doesn''t feel real. Nothing feels real. The only thing that is real is the buzzing of the lights above me. Then I start to come down from the dissociative and I grab my drinks from the bottom of the fridge. I put them inside my jacket and start to head towards the exit. I never pay for them, why should I? I''m stopped in my tracks once I get a view of the checkout counter. ¡°Everything in the drawer! Give it to me now! The clerk is terrified with his hands up. A guy with a ski mask is holding him up at gunpoint. ¡°Yea, yes, sure,¡± the clerk complies. I make my way to them, placing my two energy drinks on the counter. ¡°What the fuck?!¡± Robber spits in my ear. ¡°It¡¯s two for 4, yeah?¡± I ask the clerk. The gun is then pointed at me. ¡°Where the fuck did you come from?! Don¡¯t you see I¡¯m trying to rob the place?¡± I make sure the barrel of the gun sits perfectly between my eyes. ¡°Don¡¯t mean I still can¡¯t go about my day, no? I''m not stopping you.¡± My words bewilder him. The gun is moved out of my head and then lowered. ¡°Are you fucking crazy?¡± ¡°Something like that.¡± ¡°Man, fuck this!¡± The guy says before sprinting out of the door. I look over to the clerk. I can¡¯t even describe the look on his face. It¡¯s a mix between terrified and confused. I just see it as more proof of who I am, of who I¡¯ll ever be. I can''t count the amount of times I had a gun on my face. I can''t count the amount of time I put other people on the other side. I''m used to it. It''s natural now. I''ve done a bunch of bad shit. I''ve seen a lot of bad shit. My hands have blood on them. They won''t ever be able to be washed clean. - In the Diner just on the edge of Darkwood is where I find myself next. I¡¯m nearly through all the coke I have from the eight-ball baggie. I finish what I have in the bathroom but I want more. I need more and it¡¯s never enough. Luckily, I still have one more inside the car. I get a text from Sessions. The girl finally gathered all the files she needed. Everything falls in a couple of days. It''s not enough to expose Lyle. We have to take everything he has with him. Sessions was honest with me and told me I''m not needed, but I could be a nice distraction. It''s just much easier if I''m there to confront him. This is what I''m meant to do. This is how I''m punished. That¡¯s all there is. That¡¯s all there has to be. I don¡¯t have to understand anything about it. I know what I have to do and I''m okay with that. Sara will be fine without me. I know that now. She''s with people who can give her the love she deserves. She has the love that our mother could never give her now. She has a future. Sara has what I can never have. I thought about it y¡¯know? I really did. It''s only a dream now. In the end, all I could ask him was, why her? I didn¡¯t know. Maybe I wasn¡¯t paying enough attention or she just hid it really well, but I didn¡¯t know. He hasn''t cared about us since Mom died, but that was given. I should have paid attention that she was rarely home. I should have asked about her bruises. I should have noticed why she was always high. I should have known it went deeper than the verbal abuse we endured. But why her? Why did she have to though something sicker? Evil. Why couldn¡¯t she just trust me enough to tell me? Why couldn''t I protect her? Why couldn¡¯t I kill him? I wanted to. I didn''t even try. I should have been a better brother. I cried. I just cried. It isn''t me. Never was. I thought I got rid of that weakness. - I sit back in my booth. There¡¯s no one here. I don¡¯t think I''ve ever been here so late. I don¡¯t bother to flirt with the waitress this time. Night or Day, she''s always here like she lives here. I seem to always catch her at the end of her shift. Tonight''s at the beginning. ¡°A bit too late for coffee, no?¡± She pours it. I look at her nametag. Her name is Annie. ¡°I¡¯m on the night shift.¡± ¡°I feel that.¡± I like my coffee black. I never used to. Elizabeth got me into it. Now she''s dead. I don''t have regrets. The wind chime jingles. The door opens. Jerrica looks around as if she''s looking for someone, then she spots me, and she smiles. She walks towards my little hidden corner booth with a small smirk. She isn¡¯t wearing all the bullshit expensive shit from when I first met her. No, it¡¯s just a regular white T-shirt and checkered sweatpants. She had just gotten out of bed. ¡°Fancy seeing you here,¡± she says, sitting in front of me. ¡°The feeling¡¯s mutual. It¡¯s pretty late, what are you doing here? Stalking me?¡± Immediately, her gaze fixates on me. It¡¯s a sniper rifle ready to shoot whenever it wants. ¡°My friend works here, she told me you¡¯re here," Jerrica motions her head towards Annie. ¡°Figures.¡± ¡°Something wrong? I expected a better response.¡± She makes me scoff, ¡°What do you want? I¡¯m not in the mood.¡± ¡°I want to know what¡¯s with you. Andrew, fucking, Mera,¡± she annunciates my first name. ¡°Lord infamous and all,¡± Jerrica gasps. It¡¯s exaggerated. It¡¯s mocking. ¡°Nah, nothing with me.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t believe that,¡± She rests her chin between her fingers. ¡°Believe what you want.¡± ¡°Hmm,¡± her eyes roll then turn back at me. ¡°I believe you¡¯re much more than what everyone says you are. I believe you can show me.¡± ¡°What¡¯s this?¡± Jerrica leans over to my ear. ¡°I¡¯m never wrong about this, Andrew.¡± ¡°What do you care? You don¡¯t even know me. I¡¯m just the villain in everyone''s story. That¡¯s all I''ve ever been. It¡¯s all I ever will be.¡± ¡°You''re right about one thing. I have been stalking you, y¡¯know, ever since I learned about you,¡± she leans back to sit back upright. ¡°Ever since the car crash, ever since I met you in person. You fascinate me. You¡¯re a different breed, aren¡¯t you? You don¡¯t care about anyone. You don¡¯t care about anything. That¡¯s you, isn¡¯t it? A force of nature. But there''s only one person that''s the exception.¡± ¡°What about it?¡± ¡°Your sister. Emily told me what happened. I¡¯m sorry. I can''t imagine. No one would blame you if you got arrested, but that never happened.¡± ¡°Is that all?¡± ¡°No. It just confirms what I thought. It confirms what I want. Hmm, I see what everyone else can¡¯t. I see the real you. I see the real Andrew. You¡¯re much more fascinating than you lead on.¡± I flop my head backward. ¡°I¡¯m not some psychology project,¡± then I look back down at Jerrica. Her gaze has not once been broken. ¡°Go write about someone else.¡± ¡°There is no paper to write. I¡¯m studying to become a lawyer, actually.¡± I scoff, ¡°Then all you want to find out is what makes me tick. You want to know why I do what I do just to make you a better lawyer, that it?¡± She shakes her head. ¡°Not everyone has an ulterior motive, Andrew.¡± I heard something similar like that before. Yeah, it was Grace¡¯s mom that said it. She said she didn¡¯t want to live in a world where people like me don¡¯t believe in the kindness of others. It¡¯s bullshit. Everyone wants something from somebody. I catch myself examining Jerrica¡¯s face. She isn''t that pretty. She can¡¯t match the aesthetic and beauty of Emily. Her head is a bit too long, her chin is a bit too rounded and her nostril leans slightly to the left. She has too many freckles. The color of her red hair is bland as if it¡¯s fading. Even her eyes are a bit too far apart for my liking. Jerrica isn¡¯t beautiful but even so, each imperfection adds to her. Here at this moment, she is. She¡¯s so beautiful. ¡°So what¡¯s your motive then? I¡¯ll tell you mine. I want to fuck the shit out of you. Right here, right now.¡± Jerrica giggles, covering her mouth to stop herself from actually laughing. ¡°There he is. I was wondering when you would show up. I guess with all that¡¯s been going on it¡¯s been hard to put on the mask.¡± ¡°I¡¯m high as shit. That¡¯s all there is to it.¡± ¡°What else do you do? You sell, right?¡± ¡°Coke, M, Acid, Shrooms, Xanax, Ketamine, Meth. Shit if you can get high on it, I sell. You still haven¡¯t answered my question. What¡¯s your motive, Jer-bear? You don¡¯t come hunting me down just to get to know my life story.¡± ¡°You wouldn¡¯t believe me if I told you.¡± You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author. ¡°Then what is this?¡± I ask again. Jerrica stumbles on her breath. For the first time, I catch her looking away. She plays with her fingers and bites her lips. She loses the confidence she had for a brief moment before finding it again. ¡°I want,¡± she pauses. ¡°I want you.¡± My dick twitches. Something else does but I ignore it. ¡°You¡¯re a funny one,¡± I crack up. ¡°So we want the same thing, just in time too, you were starting to bore me.¡± "No, we don''t. You didn''t hear me." "What? You want me?" ¡°I¡¯m serious.¡± ¡°Like shit you are.¡± Jerrica doesn''t hesitate to lift herself from her seat to lean in. She doesn¡¯t stop and soon enough I can feel her heavy breath. I close my eyes. Shit, I actually close my eyes but nothing happens. Her hand is in between our lips. Jerrica sits back down. ¡°You have no idea just how beautiful I find you,¡± she whispers. I laugh again. ¡°So I was right in the money this entire time. You just wanted to fuck me. Well let''s go,¡± I motion my head towards the exit. ¡°Back of the diner¡¯s good enough.¡± ¡°You''re not listening, I don¡¯t want to fuck you, Andrew. I want to know what¡¯s with you.¡± ¡°What¡¯s with me?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°You¡¯re serious?¡± She nods. ¡°You know who I am. I hurt people. I hurt your sister, shit I was trying to fuck her. I still want to. I¡¯m a criminal facing the barrel of a gun every day. You''re right, I don¡¯t give a shit ¡®bout anything not named Sara. Fuck, I do things if I think it¡¯ll be funny. I am not a good person, Jerrica. I¡¯ve been dealt a shit life and this is how I cope with it. I¡¯m a drug addict, I love to fuck, and I love being the center of attention. I¡¯ll put my dick into anything as long as they let me. I''m a storm. I destroy. That¡¯s all I do.¡± ¡°And what else? Tell me more.¡± Her chin is resting on her palm again. ¡°I¡¯m no good. I couldn¡¯t even protect Sara from our dad. She never told me. She couldn¡¯t tell me. She was that afraid. For fucks sake, she tried to kill herself because she couldn¡¯t trust me enough to ask me for help. And what do I do when I do find out? Nothing. I couldn¡¯t do anything and it fucking makes me sick. I couldn¡¯t bring myself to end the motherfucker¡¯s life like how I wanted to. I failed her. I failed her because I''m fucking weak.¡± ¡°You want to die too, don¡¯t you? You want it to mean something,¡± her voice sings. Her words break me, whatever that means. It''s exactly how I felt when my mom died. Something broke and it doesn''t hurt, it''s just empty. Nothing. ¡°Sara was saved by my supplier, by the guy who runs the whole thing. He was trying to brainwash her to be his tool just like everyone else. Like me. He taught me how to never be weak again. He taught me power. He taught me to hurt the world that hurts me. That''s who I am. I''m not human anymore. What good does my life serve when everything I built was made from hollow sticks? What good is there in me when I made everything worse? How much of a dumbass am I for not noticing what was in front of me the entire time? I couldn''t save Sara. I couldn''t protect her. I didn''t stop Elizabeth. I¡¯m nothing. I¡¯m shit. And now I''m bound as a slave. Of course, I''m waiting to die.¡± Jerrica takes a napkin from the holder and wipes it just under my left eye. I never noticed the sole tear falling. ¡°You¡¯re not nothing. Just because you dug your grave doesn¡¯t mean you should lay in it.¡± ¡°Fuck you!¡± ¡°I think you''re the person I want to fall in love with, Andrew.¡± I understand the word but the meaning has no feeling. I¡¯ve heard it''s fun. I heard it''s the most painful thing one can experience. I¡¯ve watched it all around me. Cody and Emily have it however dysfunctional they¡¯ve become. Grace has it for Cody. I¡¯ve seen what it does and how it changes people. I¡¯ve never had use for the feeling. It''s useless to me because there''ll be a day when I''ll lose it. ¡°What the fuck are you talking about? Why me? You know what I¡¯m about. I¡¯ll ruin your life, Jer-bear.¡± Jerrica takes a deep breath and takes even longer to exhale. She stands. ¡°Come,¡± her hand extends out to mine. I don¡¯t understand this at all. Nothing about it makes sense. I just know I want to take it. So I do and follow her to the exit. Jerrica looks back at me with a smile and walks me towards the side of the building where there are no windows. She pushes me so my back hits the wall. ¡°Do you want to know what I see?¡± ¡°Hurry up, yeah? These jeans won''t be able to hold my dick any longer.¡± ¡°I see a boy who was forced to be a man for the sake of his sister. He¡¯s been ripped from his childhood. I see a boy who has been rejected by the world. He¡¯s angry and full of hate. Yes, he wants to hurt. Yes, he wants to burn it all to the ground. He who had everything ripped away from him wants to nothing else but to the same to others.¡± Jerrica presses her body against mine, with her hand lying on my chest. She''s taller than me. "But I also see someone who wants to love, someone who wants to be loved." I instinctively unbuckle my jeans and try to pull my dick out but Jerrica stops me. Her lips are ever so close to mine. "You can''t see shit. Fuck love, I don''t need it." ¡°Don''t lie. You go around acting as if you don''t care, putting on this ''bad man'' persona and everyone believes it but I see straight through it. You drag people so far into despair, forcing the worst out of them so they can be the ones to leave you. You want them to blame you because you think that you are incapable of being wanted, and the second someone proves you wrong, you force them to have no choice but to hate you. You want everyone to hate you, and one day, it''ll get you killed, but hey, that''s what you''ve always longed for, isn''t it? You do all of that so you don''t have to remember the pain you felt when you lost your mother and the pain when you lost Elizabeth. You cared about her so much too. You blame yourself so much. You think you''re not worthy to be happy anymore. But that''s not what I see. What I see is a boy who has problems, who needs help. A boy who is so misunderstood. I see a boy yearning for the love he never received. I see a boy who is envious of people who have what he doesn¡¯t. I see a boy on the verge of falling off the edge. He¡¯s been holding on for far too long now. I see a boy who is tired. I see a boy who is afraid. But most importantly, I see the man who you can become. I see who you want to be. I see the forgiveness you seek. I see you, Andrew.¡± Her lips lock into mine. It¡¯s far too different. Everything else before this now feels so superficial. They all feel meaningless compared to Jerrica''s. Her lips are far too soft. They are far too sensual. They¡¯re sweet. They hold me in a lock. It pulls me in. They tell me that everything is okay now. They tell me I don¡¯t have to fight anymore. Her lips unravel my tense muscles that have been tight for years now. ¡°I can¡¯t be saved,¡± I pull myself away. ¡°I can¡¯t.¡± Jerrica moves her head down and lightly bites my neck. ¡°You want to.¡± ¡°I ca-I can¡¯t. I¡¯ve done things. Things I can¡¯t ever take back.¡± She moves back, releasing my body from her grip. ¡°I don¡¯t care.¡± ¡°No, you don¡¯t get it. I¡¯ve-¡± Jerrica shuts my mouth with her palm. ¡°When I first met you, when I first saw you. I knew. I just knew you¡¯re the person I¡¯m supposed to be with. It doesn¡¯t matter what you¡¯ve done. It doesn¡¯t matter who you are now. You can change. I can help. I want to help. I can help you quell the ghosts that haunt you. I can love you. All you have to do is accept. Let me love you.¡± ¡°I-¡± I can¡¯t even think straight now. I don¡¯t even know what I¡¯m feeling. Relief? No, I don¡¯t think I can even come close to putting it into words. I never felt this way before. It burns but it doesn¡¯t hurt. It¡¯s grabbing me and becomes tighter by the second and yet I¡¯m able to breathe more clearly. It¡¯s warm but if it was an action, not a feeling. It¡¯s like snorting a big line of cocaine and all the dopamine rushes in your brain. It¡¯s euphoric but that never lasts. So you do more and more just to keep it going. No. This drug is different. It''s not an escape. It''s welcoming. It urges me to kiss her. It screams at me to not let her go. It whispers to me that she¡¯s the one. It wraps itself around me just to hum to me. I feel like crying again. - When we were little, years before her suicide, Sara was always her favorite. Mom always compared me to my sister. It didn''t matter that Sara wasn''t as smart as me, or as well-mannered, or quiet. I was never enough. Mom never praised me like she did Sara. I chased after our mom''s approval. I studied well above my grade and tried my hardest at everything I did. All I wanted was for our mom to look at me. I resented Sara for it. And because I couldn''t get Mom''s attention for being a good kid, I began to act out. Then eventually, for seemingly no reason, our mom began to treat Sara worse and worse. I was happy Sara could finally have a taste of what I was going through. But at some point, Mom began to treat both of us like she hated us. She called us worthless, annoying, and a burden. She constantly told us she hated us. Sara has no memory of it, but I still do. I still remember how mom would put out her cigarettes on our skin. Dad always had an excuse for her, "Mommy is going through something right now, she doesn''t mean it," he always said. We were kids, we couldn''t understand. Mom was sick. She was mad that there was no cure and it was only getting worse. It does not justify her actions. But Mom wasn''t always like that. There was a time when I wasn''t angry. I think it''s one of my earliest memories, but I do remember that was a time when my mother loved me. - Now, with Jerrica, I''m not angry anymore. I''m four years old again and I''m loved. A faint drum plays inside my heart. It¡¯s playing irregularly as if out of practice. It corrects itself as it plays louder and louder until it finds its rhythm. It comes back alive. I don''t have to fight anymore. I want to give Jerrica everything. I want to giver her the world. I want to give her this dying heart. I don''t want her to ever feel alone. I want her to be safe. I want to see her smile and to hear her laugh every day. I want to dedicate every part of my soul just to her. ¡°You can let go now. You don¡¯t have to hold on anymore.¡± This is love. Jerrica wears a frown. I hate it. I don¡¯t want to ever see it again. She takes another step back, disappointed that I can¡¯t give her an answer. It hasn''t rained since the start of June. The stars have been painted in the sky every night. It''s the summer solstice and the moon is the largest tonight. It''s painted in a strawberry amber hue and it''s shining directly down at Jerrica, like a spotlight. I don¡¯t get it. I¡¯m shit. I¡¯m just going to hurt her. I¡¯ll destroy her. I¡¯m not worthy of love. I never have been. I don''t deserve it. There isn¡¯t a thing about me that she can save. And yet¡­ ¡°Love me.¡± My words spark joy back to her smile, to her eyes. I don¡¯t give her time to do anything else as I grab her and push her down to the ground. I grab her lips the same way she did, hard at first, then softly. It feels exactly the same as our first. Her sweetness is calling me home. ¡°We should stop here,¡± she moans and pulls my hand from her under her underwear''s waistband. ¡°I¡¯ll love you, Andrew,¡± she sits up after I let her go. ¡°On one condition.¡± ¡°Anything.¡± ¡°Prove to me that you can love me back. Prove to me that you¡¯re able to love yourself.¡± I want to laugh but I just don¡¯t have it in me anymore. After all, nearly every laugh I do is fake, forced. ¡°I don¡¯t know if I can.¡± ¡°You can. You will,¡± she stands and adjusts herself. ¡°Nothing can happen between us right now anyway. I''m an old lady and your balls haven''t dropped.¡± ¡°It''s only six years, ''sides, law never stopped me before.¡± ¡°You''re not ready. Graduate, Andrew. Use the next year to become the person who¡¯ll love me. Stop walking the road that leads to your death. Start asking the people who care about you for help. You¡¯re not alone. You never were. Be faithful to me and me only. From here on out, I¡¯m yours and you¡¯re mine. Use this next year to find peace. I¡¯ll be there, I¡¯ll guide you. After all that, come to me in New York. I¡¯ll be waiting.¡± I don¡¯t find words that I want to say. ¡°Promise me.¡± ¡°And if I fail?¡± Jerrica shrugs, ¡°Then I was wrong about you.¡± ¡°Well then, can I at least get your number?¡± I wasn¡¯t trying to be funny and yet she bursts out in laughter. It¡¯s contagious and for the first time in a long while, I laugh with her. I hear my real laugh. I can''t remember the last time I did. Love. That¡¯s what this is. ¡°I promise," I tell her. I don''t have to fight anymore. I never did. - Grace opens the door, puzzled but it''s justified. ¡°Yo!¡± ¡°Dude, it¡¯s 4 in the morning.¡± ¡°Your mom home?¡± Grace¡¯s confusion only widens. ¡°Grace, who the hell is it!?¡± I hear Virginia upstairs. The constant ringing of the doorbell woke them except for Sara. Good. Sara needs the rest. It''s also funnier that she doesn''t find out right away. ¡°It¡¯s Andrew!¡± Gracie yells back. Virginia hurries down the stairs with nothing but a nightgown. "Gracie, go back to sleep, I''ll deal with this." "Why is he here, Mom?" "Do as I say, Grace. I don''t want to tell you again." "Okay," she sighs. She takes another look at me before going up the stairs then tells me, "Be nice, okay?" Her mother walks over to the kitchen and I follow. I sit at the dining table, thinking of something to say to ease her pissed-off face. Anything I say would make it worse, so I wait in silence and watch her back while she messes around on the counter. Virginia places a fresh cup of tea in front of me. ¡°Sorry, I made you wait. It¡¯s punishment for waking us up, but the tea should help you calm down.¡± ¡°I am calm.¡± ¡°You¡¯re anxious,¡± she points with her pinky finger as she drinks from her cup. ¡°Afraid that I¡¯ll take back my offer?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t assume that¡¯s why I¡¯m here.¡± ¡°Drink your tea, honey. There¡¯s no other reason why you would be here if it wasn¡¯t. It¡¯s okay, the offer stands. You can stay.¡± ¡°Thanks. I mean, thank you.¡± ¡°Your room will be next to mine. It¡¯s empty so you¡¯ll have to make do until I buy a bed. Also, give me whatever you have on you. The second I find you with anything, you¡¯re out.¡± I pull the few baggies out of the inside pocket of my jacket. Virginia takes them and examines them for a bit. ¡°That¡¯s all I have. It¡¯s just what I use.¡± ¡°Can I ask what changed?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t see the anger in your eyes anymore. You''re not afraid anymore." I scoff, "You think you just know everything about me, huh?" Virginia pulls out a cigarette from a drawer. ¡°Do you have a light? Don¡¯t forget your tea.¡± ¡°You smoke?" "Only at work. You remind me a lot of Grace''s father. Stubborn to a fault and would never ask anyone for help even if meant it would solve a problem.¡± ¡°He¡¯s dead, yeah?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± "What happened?¡± I give her my lighter and finally drink the tea. ¡°He-Joseph got me pregnant with Grace just a week after we met. We were 17, the fucker. It was just a one-night stand. We were too drunk to bother putting on a condom. It took me two whole months to muster up the courage to tell anyone. My mother wanted to throw me out, luckily my dad was more level-headed. We all expected me to be a single mom, but no. When I told Joseph, he was so excited. It was his dream.¡± Virginia lights the cigarette and takes a long drag. ¡°He stuck around. He dropped everything just to take care of me. His parents offered to pay for everything but he refused. He didn''t want their help. Joseph hated relying on others. He convinced me to go to college so one of us could have a degree. He was fine with destroying his body in construction as long as I was happy. He had it all planned out, and it worked.¡± Virginia points at a picture on the fridge. It¡¯s one of Grace''s when she was a baby. ¡°When Grace was born, we lost all time for ourselves, which was already nothing. It was weird. We were raising this kid together while we didn¡¯t know what we were to each other. We never talked about it. We didn''t have time to get to know each other at a deeper level. Joseph wasn''t good with his emotions. Everyone would joke that were just friends who happened to be raising a baby together. I didn¡¯t care. It never stopped me from eventually falling in love with him. I never found out if he felt the same.¡± A person who stops at nothing to support those he loves. "Then what happened?" ¡°A car accident. Grace was two. She was always so well-behaved and quiet. She was easy to raise. She rarely cried but when she did, it was impossible to get her to calm down. Then one night, she got sick and wouldn''t stop crying. I didn''t know what was wrong. She didn''t look or feel sick so I thought Grace would stop eventually. Joseph was at work and couldn''t be home until the morning. Gracie didn''t let me sleep at all that night. It was Joseph''s idea to go get Gracie looked at when he came home. He wanted me to take her because he hadn''t slept in days. I forced him to drive. I just wanted to be alone in silence for a while. Joseph crashed because he couldn''t stay awake. He died on impact. Gracie is a miracle for surviving. My selfishness killed him, " Virginia sighs. "Oh, how I wish he could see the woman Gracie is becoming.¡± ¡°Does she know?¡± ¡°No. She''ll only blame me and herself. That''s my crown to wear.¡± "How do you live with it?" "There comes a point in all our lives when we don''t have to anymore." The tea is sweet. Virginia has a half smile while she observes all the photos of Grace on the fridge. There''s no clock in her house but I still hear the ticking of one regardless. I get up from my seat once there''s no more tea left. Virginia sits down to finish hers. "You can stay the night," she says, putting out her cigarette inside her cup. "I won''t charge you rent. You don''t have to pay me back. I just want you to be safe." ¡°I¡¯ll only stick around until I graduate then I¡¯ll get out of your hair.¡± "Sounds good. I''ll have a list for you tomorrow. It''ll be stricter than Sara''s." "Why do you trust me?" ¡°I can just tell. Tell me about the girl. Who''s the girl that managed to do what everyone else couldn''t?¡± I scoff, "There is no girl." Virginia is like Jerrica. She sees right through me. It''s eery. I don''t like it. Virginia talks with me like she''s known me my entire life. "I promise I''ll keep her a secret.¡± "I made a promise too," I smile. 40. Chris VII: Tristan & Isolde, Einleitung Chris VII July 4th Tonight is when everything ends. The invisible chain that binds us all will be broken and we will all be set free. The poison that is slowly decaying our lives will be cured. The world will be set right, once more. Andrew impatiently taps his foot while he leans on the barren wall of the room. He''s annoyed as if he wasn''t the one who kept us waiting. I almost thought he wasn''t going to show up. Marina was certain he wasn''t. Marina sits behind me, petting her cat, the only thing she says she owns. She''s nervous, rightfully so. I''ve been making her wait longer than she wanted. She''s anxious that it won''t go the way I''ve seen. Part of her believes that everything she''s done up to this point will be for nothing. ¡°I¡¯m ready," I say. ¡°About time,¡± Andrew sighs and walks over to me. ¡°You hit send, then what happens? We pray, no? He''s been hiding ever since he killed that guy, we don¡¯t even know where he is.¡± ¡°He hasn''t gone far.¡± Marina signs. I translate for Andrew. ¡°He''ll come out." ¡°So why are we doing it this way? What in those files? What''s there that''s so important to him?" ¡°Nothing,¡± Marina admits. "This is just to destroy everything he''s built. It''ll set me free from the chains he stole from my father." We''re back in the abandoned house where our lives changed. Andrew found this place towards the end of last summer. It''s on the far southeast edge end of town. It''s away from any other house and was the perfect place to throw parties. This is where everything started and it''s where the ending begins. It was Marina''s idea to hide here. She said Lyle would never think about this place. Everything is organized and ready to be sent out. It was taking Marina a long time to collect everything we needed. At one point we gathered everything to accomplish our goal, but when Lyle went after the other two like us, Marina wanted to include the shadow of the present. Lyle''s organization is a rebuilt remnant of Golden Hearts. Marina asked for more time so she could gather the files of what she was once the core of. What I read went beyond anything possible or sane. It couldn''t be real. Azul Amadeus, the leader, his goal was to unite the world and bring universal understanding and love to each other; to end the suffering we inflict on each other. He built his organization, gang, terrorist group, revolution, or whatever for that purpose. He wanted to expose the corruption and greed in the government, uniting the world under the idea that peace and grace come from the individual and not a governing body. He had his hand in the very corruption he wanted to get rid of to build it up. What better way to destroy it than from the inside? He always planned for his organization to fall. Everyone under his corruption was supposed to fall with him. It was supposed to be the necessary self-sacrifice. Everyone who knew him only had good things to say about him. They say he had the power to bring people under his influence. He created Winter as a tool. The world believes that''s how he had so many people believing his ideas. It was deemed the most dangerous substance in the world. But that''s not what it does. Winter is a gateway to opening the soul. It allows someone to meet themselves. Azul needed it as a bridge for his other tools to achieve his plan. Marina, the girl who shows the past and the pain that they hide from. And the woman who can connect souls to one another. Supposedly with those three together, all of humanity could be connected and with themselves to change the world. But it failed. It''s insane. The whole thing was insane. Azul failed and Lyle picked up what was left over. Lyle is just a crude knock-off. Lyle doesn''t share the same goal. Lyle knows of humans different like Marina. He finds the abnormalities to be exotic and wants more like her. From what I read, he believes one of them can create the pure form of Winter. I''m the only one who has come close. Winter is the gateway to the soul, Lyle uses it for his sick and selfish desire. In my curiosity, I also tried Winter. It showed me salvation from myself. I was able to understand why it is so dangerous. Lyle gives the last remaining doses of pure Winter to those who are at their lowest, almost always women. He feeds them a promise of power and control and once they take the drug, they believe his words from what they experience and see inside themselves. They''re victims. Slaves to a madman. We''re all slaves to him. "Then why bother?" Andrew asks. "There''s only one thing he cares about," Marina signs. "He''ll do anything not to lose that. He''ll be desperate." Marina sets her cat down from her lap and stands. She pulls a pocket knife out, entering the bathroom across the empty room. She doesn¡¯t bother closing the door and Andrew and I see what she does. Andrew becomes confused and then shocked when she takes off her shirt and sees her scars. His eyes widen when Marina digs the knife into the upper back of her shoulder. She drives the knife deeper until she finds what she digs around for and pops it out. In her hand, she brings us what she means. It¡¯s a tracking device. ¡°What the fuck?!¡± "This is where he''ll go.¡± I take the bloody little chip from her palm, "I guess it''s time." Marina nods. Andrew laughs. ¡°This is some fake-ass movie-level plot.¡± "Do you understand what you have to do, Andrew?" Marina signs. "It''s not too late to back out. You don''t have to do this. I''m more than willing to sacrifice myself." "You''re right," Andrew snickers, taking the tracking chip from me. "I need to do this." "Even if you don''t want to anymore?" "Listen, I don''t give a fuck why you''re doing this. I don''t give a fuck about the details. You saved my sister, yeah? This will stop Lyle, right? That''s good enough for me." People like me, like Marina, aren''t supposed to exist. Marina said we''re a gift from the Goddess. She thinks we''re here to fulfill some grand purpose. I can see the paths of the people destined to help achieve it. That''s the reason why I can see mine and I can see Marina''s. Most of the time, the fated threads I see don''t hold much weight. Sometimes I come across someone with a much more important destiny, like Elizabeth. Whenever something happens that isn''t supposed to, it''s my job to correct it. I''ve been ignoring that responsibility. I¡¯ve been running my entire life from the gift I was given. I just wanted to be a normal kid. I wasn''t too fond that I find it hard to talk to people. I hated that I struggled with empathy. I hated that I was born different. Just like Marina was born with her deformities, I was born with a deformity in exchange for my power. I think I¡¯m starting to get comfortable with the idea of being okay with it. ¡°But you¡¯re still just a fish.¡± I failed Elizabeth. I won''t fail again. - It took me too long to act upon it and now this is the only way I see that will make everything right now. Doing it today just happens to give everyone the best possible ending. This is the only option I had when I decided that I wasn''t going to run away anymore. Everything that happened has been leading up to this. It''ll break the corruption that haunts us. It''ll stop the suffocation that plagues us all. It''ll set us free from the evil that we never deserved. The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. It''ll stop her from losing her smile. - I hit send. The world doesn¡¯t change. It won¡¯t ever change, not immediately. It''ll take years for that to happen. Even after it''s all exposed, a few will still get away with it. Other people will just take the empty seats. That''s just how the world works. Greed and Power only corrupt. But the seed was already planted years ago and this will only reaffirm it. It''ll be a start to the future Marina was always told about. I don''t care if the world will change. I only care that the present is the right shadow of the future. Nothing happens at first. All three of us watch a news broadcast on the laptop waiting for something to happen, or text from Lyle, anything. Andrew switches tabs to Twitter because public opinion always comes first. It takes a while but someone notices and the documents are spread. They all think it''s a hoax. It''s too out there for it to be believable. Then people share the videos and the evidence. More and more people start talking about it until it can no longer be ignored. The world begins to listen. It''ll become the biggest story on all the news channels. It¡¯s all they will talk about for weeks then It''ll be suppressed and brushed aside with distractions. It''ll take days or even weeks for anyone to be properly charged. I don''t expect Lyle''s identity to become public. He''s too protected. He went by the name of Sessions once, and all Sessions have their name wiped clean. Sessions are ghosts. Lyle has to be arrested or killed before he gets the chance to disappear. We won''t be safe until he''s gone. "It''s time to finish this," Marina stands. Andrew jumps out of his seat and knocks it down. "Let''s fucking do this!" "You won''t have long." Andrew smirks, "Leave it all to me. I''ve been waiting for this." He jolts out of the house before I can tell him where he needs to go. ¡°Will you be okay?¡± I ask, taking one last look at the woman that defies the logic of existence. She nods with a smile, ¡°This is the last place he would look.¡± she signs. "You''re going too, right?" "Yeah," I nod and take off my parka to hand it over to her, "Here." "Are you sure?" She signs and I nod. "Then I have something else to show you." Marina lifts her bangs, and then I see. ¡°She shouldn¡¯t exist. The only thing that exists is you, just you. Nothing else is real. This is proof, Fish.¡± - ¡°You coming with?¡± Andrew asks, worried, the second I get in his car. "You know what this means, yeah?" ¡°I have to make sure it plays out how I see it. He has to be where I want him to be.¡± "And where''s that?" "The fair." ¡°Are you fucking crazy? Everyone¡¯s there. I know Lyle, he¡¯s not gonna give a shit who he kills when he finds out we¡¯re not Sessions.¡± ¡°I never thought you would consider others,¡± I almost laugh. I don¡¯t think I ever laughed. ¡°We¡¯ll be right outside, no one¡¯s going to get hurt. It will just be us three.¡± ¡°Why there? What makes it so important?¡± Andrew starts the car and drives us forward. ¡°Fuck, do we even know if the feds will come?¡± ¡°Just trust me, this is our best option.¡± "Sara''s there." "I promise you she won''t be in danger." Andrew scoffs. ¡°I always wondered if you can see the future. Shit, with what Sessions did, I¡¯ll believe anything now. She¡¯s why you even agreed to work with her, huh? Cuz you have a lame-ass superpower? Finally found a girl weird enough to like. It¡¯s cute. You act like a normal person around her. I don¡¯t think you know that.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not like that.¡± "Do I come out alive at the end?" "Do you want to know?" Andrew laughs, starting the engine. "I already made my choice," he says as we leave for the finale. - ¡°You¡¯re insane.¡± - "I gave Elizabeth the vial of Winter that was meant for me. She said it was the greatest thing she ever experienced. She wanted more. You tried it, yeah? Do you crave it again?" Andrew speaks, quietly. He''s been silent. He''s been focused. He''s scared. "No." "You think she''ll forgive me?" "She already has." "I hope so too." There are only a few things I left out from the files. I left out the things to protect us. I left out Marina''s existence. I left out Elizabeth''s involvement. I never expected to find the secrets she kept. Elizabeth drank Winter too, not just the toxic impure one. She met the Woman in the White Dress too. Not Marina. Was she shown what I saw too? - "Of course, after all, it''s all you." - The water begins to rise up from the road. It¡¯s okay, I know it¡¯s not real. It¡¯s a delusion from a mind that lingers on the edge of madness. I and I alone can change the future. I can help my friends. I no longer have to hide from the world. I don¡¯t have to pretend that I¡¯m not the main character of my story. I no longer have to pretend free will cannot coexist with predetermination. It was my choices that got me here. It was my choice to believe I couldn''t change the shadow of the present. Now it''s my choice to change the shadow of tomorrow. I can now finally forgive myself for never stopping Elizabeth. I¡¯m sorry that I didn¡¯t stop her from ending her life. I was afraid. I didn¡¯t think what I was seeing was real. I thought it was just a delusion, that I was going crazy. I¡¯m sorry that I wanted to see what happens when a person doesn''t follow any of the threads of time I see. You¡¯re asking me, God, the observer, why not do this anywhere else? Why so close to the people I want to protect? There''s only been one thread that I''ve been following. It''s the only one that makes everything right. It''s the only one that protects her. - "It''s all in your head. It''s not real." - The fated moment arrives ¡°Except you¡¯re just a fish, like the rest of humanity.¡± Destiny is never binary. Fate is just a construct of our actions. A permanent outcome doesn¡¯t exist. All it is the collective choices everyone has made. It¡¯s the collective consciousness that binds it all together. It flows in any direction at any given moment without hesitation. I alone cannot stop the threads from becoming static. People can always change their thread at a whim and outside my influence. The past is yesterday and only the dead belong to the past. Yesterday is the shadow of today. Today is the shadow of tomorrow. Today is the present to the infinity of tomorrow. And eternity is decided by its shadows. It''s these shadows that have shadows. These shadows were never mine to play with. I watch this truth unfold with my eyes. There isn¡¯t anything else I can do. There wasn¡¯t anything I could do, to begin with. The key for all this to turn out okay isn¡¯t even here. Without it, the thread I was following breaks. Without it, things will just fall apart. The cycle will continue to repeat itself. I can no longer see the shadows of tomorrow. All I see is the shadows of the present that came from the shadows of the past. None of this is supposed to happen. I don¡¯t understand. I''m helpless. I can''t do anything. Why is everyone here except the only one who matters? Where did I mess up? Is this all just pointless then? "Did you really think the supernatural exists?" Is life just one big joke? "Did you really think it was real?" I¡¯m just trapped in this glass box. I can¡¯t leave it. It¡¯s all I know. It¡¯s all I¡¯ve been given. I don¡¯t have anything else. I¡¯m just a fish. I¡¯m just a fish. I¡¯m just a fish. Like the rest of humanity. It¡¯s all pointless. It¡¯s all pointless. "You were never sane to begin with." It¡¯s all for naught. It¡¯s over. It¡¯s over. It¡¯s over. It¡¯s over. It¡¯s over. It¡¯s nothing. I am everything. I am nothing. I exist. I don¡¯t exist. I am the universe. I can never escape it. I am Eternity. I won¡¯t ever rest. I won¡¯t ever rest. I won¡¯t ever die. I die and be reborn. I die and be reborn. It¡¯s an eternal cycle. I am infinity. Reality was never real. All of this is just my mind making it up to keep me entertained. Oh right. What happens when you discover an answer to a question never asked? What happens when you find out you are just you and there is nothing else? It¡¯s just you, alone, forever and always will be. What happens when you find out that existence is a myth? This Universe. Existence. Life. Space. Time. Death. My friends. My parents. Pleasure. Pain. Anger. Joy. Love. Hate. Consciousness. All of it isn¡¯t real. It¡¯s all in my head. It¡¯s all there just to stop myself from finding the truth. Existence is just a construct and it''s all made up because I''m alone. I am the universe and I am God. Why can''t I remember what the Woman in the White Dress told me? Then the shot is fired. A lightbulb above my head. ¡°Oh yeah!¡± a grin on my face. ¡°I¡¯m insane!¡± Infinity. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HEHEHEHEEHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA I FIGURED IT OUT! The twin flame HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehjajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajakekekekekekekekekekekekehkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhkhhuhuhuhmhmhmhmmhmhmkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfhaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ah ha ha ah ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha¡­.. 41. Emily VII: Holding on like its the last time Emily VII I never meant to spend so much time with Cody while being back in town. I thought it would be too awkward, but it hasn''t been. Maybe it''s because I know this will be my last summer. It¡¯s like nothing ever happened between us. It¡¯s like I never broke his heart, and he never broke mine. We know each other. I know his thoughts. I know how he thinks, but I can''t read him anymore. He hasn''t asked about Soran. He hasn''t asked about any details of my time in New York. He hasn''t hinted that he wants me back. Cody has just been my friend. I think he wants what I first wanted when I first arrived, to stay friends. But I don''t know anymore. Maybe he wants to let me go too, but if he does, why wouldn''t he just tell me right away? Last year today, we were all in the town''s Fourth of July fair. Cody and I always went every year. He had Ellie to go with last year. I told Ellie that we had a treehouse that day, she didn''t know. I told her that Cody could never love her the way he loved me that night. Elizabeth started to constantly get high after that night. This town isn''t cursed. Now I''m back and going to the fair with Cody again, for the last time. It has to be. It was always supposed to be Emily Crowe and Cody Martin. The fairytale childhood couple like all the stories I used to love to read. I was living this trope. It was real. Childhood sweethearts. The perfect love story. But life just doesn¡¯t work out that way. The second I step foot in New York again, I''ll become the girlfriend to Soran. I''ve been his girlfriend, but he won''t call me that until I go back. He doesn''t want me to have any regret, any doubt. He understands how important Cody is to me and wants me to get my closure, whether I want to keep Cody as a friend or cut him off completely. Soran doesn''t believe in leaving the heart unfulfilled. That¡¯s why I love him so much. He¡¯s everything I wanted Cody to be. I feel free with Soran. I don¡¯t get lost in my head and I don¡¯t get anxious whenever I¡¯m around him. He doesn¡¯t do anything that even bends my trust and assures me every day. He doesn¡¯t ever let me doubt myself. I¡¯m not insecure when I am with him. I have never had a panic attack since I met him. I''m a good person with him. I don''t feel alone. There is peace in having a man take care of all your needs. There is peace in relying on him to make sure you¡¯re okay. There is peace in knowing that Soran can keep me safe. It¡¯s okay to rely on him. It¡¯s okay that I can¡¯t do everything he can. It¡¯s okay because there¡¯s thing I can do that he can¡¯t. I¡¯m his peace of mind. I¡¯m his home. I¡¯m his purpose. I¡¯m who he thinks about when he smiles. It¡¯s a healthy relationship. We rely on each other. We work through our issues and fix them instead of festering them and having them blow up in our faces. We solve any problem we face together. We¡¯re partners. I don¡¯t have to cling to something that will only hurt me just because it¡¯s familiar and comforting. I don¡¯t need that anymore. I don¡¯t need Cody anymore. - ¡°Ems!¡± Cody snaps me out of it. ¡°We¡¯re here.¡± ¡°Right, sorry. I space out.¡± He chuckles. ¡°Come on, I want to go the gravity ride first. I saw a kid standing on it on Youtube, sort of want to try it.¡± I exit his car after him, but I don''t hear Jerrica opening her door. She¡¯s texting on her phone with her mouth wide open. Her eyes have been glued on it the entire day, frustrated. I tap on her window, ¡°You coming?¡± She doesn¡¯t pay attention and continues to text. I can''t read what she sends, but she sent multiple, all unanswered. I tap a bit harder and it finally makes her jolt her head up. ¡°Oh, sorry.¡± ¡°Everything okay?¡± I ask when she steps out. ¡°Yeah, yeah. It¡¯s just this guy.¡± Guy? Jerrica doesn¡¯t talk to any guy. Jerrica doesn''t entertain any of them. She''s too independent and focused on her studies to worry about dating. ¡°And here I thought you were gay.¡± Jerrica playfully shoves me aside when she steps up. ¡°Bitch. It¡¯s new. I don¡¯t know. It¡¯s weird.¡± ¡°He¡¯s ignoring you, huh?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± Jerrica sighs. ¡°Turns out I''m not as charming as I thought I would be. I poke her belly, ¡°Why haven''t you mentioned him? Due tell, where you meet him, here?!¡± ¡°No!¡± Jerrica slaps my hand away. ¡°Back home, er, online. He added me on LinkedIn,¡± she says but I know her. It¡¯s a lie. I fake gasp. ¡°Must be some guy if he gets the unbaggable Jerrica Crowe.¡± Jerrica laughs. ¡°Bitch. He is. I think he is. He¡¯s really sweet. I just don¡¯t know what¡¯s going on. We were talking just fine and all of a sudden he just stopped responding this morning.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think panic texting him is gonna win you any points,¡± I chuckle. I made it a priority to spend more time with my dad. He''s been the best distraction for everything else going on, like what I found out about Elizabeth. It''s been a tough pill to swallow, especially when I learned about it the same day I remembered how horrible I was to her. I also had to worry about Sara and everything that was going on with her. She kept me in the dark again and I only know what Grace has told me. It''s been a chaotic month. I didn''t have this chaos back in New York. My dad has been my rock and has been helping me ease my anxiety over those two things. Because of that chaos, I haven''t given thought to Jerrica''s subtle odd behavior she does sometimes since we have been back home. There''s only one person Jerrica acts differently when mentioned. He''s not even on the list of who I think can catch her attention. That thought is so absurd that I''ll believe the earth is flat before I believe that. ¡°Ems, Jerrica!¡± Cody calls over to us. We start walking together behind him but not fast enough to ever catch up. ¡°And you and Cody? It¡¯s like nothing ever happened,¡± Jerrica asks quietly enough so he doesn''t hear but loud enough that it isn¡¯t a whisper. ¡°I made up my mind. I''ll say goodbye in a few days.¡± ¡°What if he doesn¡¯t want the same thing?¡± ¡°Then he''ll just have to deal with it.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± she sighs. ¡°As your big sis, I have to ask. Are you really okay with this? You¡¯ve known Soran for less than five months. There¡¯s no going back from this.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve never been more sure in my life.¡± ¡°Then I¡¯ll support it all the way then.¡± ¡°Thanks.¡± ¡°By the way, I may or may not made the worst mistake of my life so don¡¯t get mad at me if it ever blows up in my face.¡± ¡°What the hell did you do?¡± Jerrica winks. ¡°It¡¯s a secret!¡± She laughs, "It''ll be funnier if I don''t tell you." It¡¯s okay. At least she admits she¡¯s dumb, "I''ll try my best not to get mad." I run to Cody and catch up to him. Our fingers touch and I have the repress the urge to instinctively grab hold of his hand. It was an accident. ¡°You okay? You''re quiet today,¡± I ask. ¡°You¡¯re the one who spaced out the entire car ride. Regret coming here? Afraid that you¡¯ll get a pie thrown at you again? ¡°No, and no!¡± ¡°What about the time you punched the poor guy on his dick for doing his job and scaring you in the haunted maze?¡± he laughs. ¡°Hey! He had it coming! Who runs at a little girl with a machete half her size?¡± ¡°It¡¯s sort of their job. You knew they couldn''t touch you, poor guy didn''t deserve it.¡± ¡°I¡¯m still justified for what I did,¡± I laugh. ¡°What about you? You faked a heart attack when the guy popped out of the jack-in-box just for the bit. Who does that? Your dumbass, that¡¯s who. You should¡¯ve seen the look on his face, you scared the shit out of him.¡± ¡°It made you laugh, didn''t I?¡± ¡°You scared me too!¡± ¡°But you laughed right after.¡± ¡°Yeah. I did...¡± It¡¯s a bittersweet feeling to be here. It hurts knowing I¡¯ll probably never come to this town¡¯s little fair. It used to be my favorite part about summer. It never gets boring or old. There¡¯s always a new stuffed animal to throw money at because all the games are rigged. There¡¯s always bland and flavorless food to enjoy. There''s the fireworks to enjoy at the end of the night. I can be a kid again. We meet up with Sara and Grace while we wait for Jerrica to go to the bathroom. It¡¯s the first time I¡¯ve seen Sara outside since the news broke. It ran like wildfire in a matter of hours. Everyone talks. No one knows what happened, thank God. All this town knows is that her dad was arrested. Grace had to tell me the truth. It''s better if no one knows. Sara doesn¡¯t need that stress. She was depressed when I saw her. It was exactly how she acted when she first started living with Grace. Sara was getting better and was acting like herself before then. I thought that she would be able to be freed when she finally spoke out about what she hid from everyone. I thought she wouldn''t be suffering anymore. Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon. Life doesn''t work that way. Healing is not a linear process. Some days she''s okay, other days she''s a mannequin. Today, Sara has life in her eyes. Sara pulls me to the side, away from Cody and Grace. ¡°She wants to confess her feelings.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± We walk over to the food court nearby and sit on one of the many empty tables. ¡°Right now?¡± Sara shakes her head. ¡°She''s jealous that you''re back. She wants to just get it over with.¡± ¡°Right, right,¡± I chuckle. Of course, Grace has been jealous. I''ve been stealing Cody''s attention away from her. I''m the one who pushed him to have her around him in the first place knowing she liked him. I masked it with a noble motive. It was anything but. "She''s already expecting to get rejected," Sara sighs. ¡°The first one is always the hardest, but she¡¯s grown through. I doubt she''ll get many more. I hardly recognized her when I saw her. I bet all the boys will be chasing her soon enough.¡± ¡°You did a good job.¡± ¡°Me? No, it was all you.¡± Sara giggles, ¡°Let¡¯s split the credit 50/50.¡± "Maybe it wasn''t such a bad idea getting her involved with us." "I wouldn''t have a safe home if you didn''t. It worked out in the end, Ems." ¡°I know how hard it''s been for you. I know you don''t want to talk about it yet, but I''m always here when you are.¡± ¡°I¡¯m doing okay, Emily,¡± Sara says so gently. ¡°It took a little time, but I think I¡¯m going to be okay.¡± ¡°Good. I¡¯m glad. Life is better without the chaos.¡± ¡°Um,¡± Sara laughs. ¡°Actually, Andrew is living with us now.¡± ¡°Shut the fuck up, no!¡± ¡°No, no," Sara laughs harder. "It¡¯s a good thing." ¡°And Grace¡¯s mom agreed?¡± ¡°It was her idea.¡± "Why?! And since when?!" "A few days ago. It''s not as bad as you think," Sara smiles towards the cloudless sky. "I used to think I would wake up one day and hear he got himself killed or arrested. I was scared that I was going to lose him in revenge for everything that happened to me. I don''t have to worry about him anymore. He hasn''t been so angry the past few days. He''s calm. I think I''m getting my brother back." ¡°I think I¡¯ve been pulled into an alternate dimension," I laugh. "I think that Jerrica is-¡± Grace interrupts me from finishing my sentence. ¡°He said no,¡± she''s trying her best to hold the bubbling tears on her eyelids. Sara gets up and hugs her then sits her down. ¡°It took you a lot of courage, Gracie. Be proud of that. You''ll get over it, just give it time.¡± ¡°I¡¯m so sorry, Grace,¡± I take hold of Grace¡¯s hand. ¡°It¡¯ll be okay, I promise.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I already knew he was going to say no. But that less than one percent chance that I was wrong makes it hurt so much. I don¡¯t even know why I like him!¡± ¡°I didn''t think...you''re still young, Gracie, you have plenty of time to find someone who''ll love you.¡± ¡°Um, Sara? Can I talk to Emily alone?¡± ¡°Uh, sure. take your time," Sara gets up and heads to the concessions. ¡°You okay?¡± I ask. Gracie fidgets her fingers. ¡°It¡¯s because he¡¯s still in love with you,¡± she says so hurt. ¡°I can¡¯t ever compete.¡± ¡°Is that what he told you?¡± She shakes her head. ¡°I just know.¡± ¡°I am really sorry that you got rejected, but that isn''t why.¡± "It is. You don''t have to lie to me to make me feel better. What makes you so special that I can''t have?¡± "I''m not. No one is." "Doesn''t seem that way." I sigh and slump down on my chair. ¡°I¡¯m not special, Grace. I¡¯m not any special than you. You just happened to like a boy who doesn¡¯t like you the same way. Some day someone will like you and you''ll have to hurt them because you don''t. And that¡¯s okay. It¡¯s part of growing up. You won¡¯t always get what you want but it won''t always be like that. You don''t need to rush into trying to get things you think you''re missing out on." ¡°Why did you ask him to take care of me? You knew I liked him.¡± ¡°I-¡± I stumble over my words. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I was using you. I wasn¡¯t considering your feelings, but I couldn''t leave you to be left alone either. Someone had to protect you, even if you got hurt.¡± ¡°He didn¡¯t do anything wrong you know? He just treated me like an annoying little sister the entire time.¡± ¡°I noticed. I was being selfish, but I''m glad you were there to help him change.¡± "I didn''t do anything, though." "You need to get better at recognizing your actions and efforts." Gracie nervously laughs. ¡°Want to go get on some rides? A little fun will make you feel better.¡± Grace shakes her head and gets up. ¡°Thanks but, I think I¡¯m gonna go home. I''m not in the mood. I¡¯m gonna go tell Sara, but,¡± she pauses. ¡°Even if truly was out of pity, thank you for being my friend. I don''t know where I would be if you didn''t talk to me that day.¡± With a smile and my chin on my palm, I say, ¡°Anytime.¡± I''m glad I did. Grace is an amazing girl. Cody and Jerrica come back together and sit right as Sara comes back with three hotdogs. "Sorry, I didn''t know you were here Jerrica, I''ll go buy another one." Cody gives his to Jerrica, "Don''t worry about it." ¡°Want mine?¡± I practically shove it in his face. ¡°I''m not hungry, besides, you haven¡¯t eaten all day.¡± ¡°And how could you have possibly known that?¡± ¡°I just do,¡± he groans, rubbing his hands through his hair, understandably frustrated. ¡°Did you at least let Grace down easy?¡± Cody smiles at me, ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Wait, what did I miss?¡± Jerrica looks around in confusion. - He wins me a stuffed bear on his first try at the ring toss. I didn¡¯t even ask for it. Cody saw I was staring at it and won it while I was looking at another game booth''s prizes. ¡°You really didn¡¯t have to.¡± ¡°Consider it your birthday present.¡± It¡¯s fuzzy and soft to hug but what did I truly expect? ¡°You''re five months late, I deserve the grand prize as interest.¡± I joke. The grand prize is the same teddy bear he just won only ten times the size and wears the town''s logo on a shirt. It only takes him three tries to win it. It feels like it''s been thrown at me when he gives it to me. It¡¯s that heavy. ¡°Jesus, Cody. I was kidding.¡± ¡°Oh, my bad.¡± ¡°Dude, I can¡¯t carry this the entire time, it¡¯s literally as big as me.¡± ¡°Hey man, can I trade the bear for something else?¡± Cody asks the game''s worker. The bear is lifted off me so I can look at all the other dozen prizes I can have in exchange. None of them catch my eye, but why does it have to? I don¡¯t need to put any sort of meaning behind it to make it special. ¡°How about that bracelet, it¡¯s cute.¡± I pick the cheapest one. Cody takes the liberty of putting it on for me. ¡°You guys make a cute couple. Enjoy the night!¡± We both hear when we walk away. It''s those words that make me stiff. We¡¯re not a couple, we¡¯re not. I don¡¯t need to hear those words right now. I don¡¯t need any flicker to start the flame again. The sheer thought of that means that flame can be ignited at any time. I can¡¯t even hide it. I was doing fine before this. I wasn''t even thinking about it. The burning on my cheeks surely gives me away. ¡°Relax,¡± Cody chuckles. ¡°He didn¡¯t mean anything by it.¡± ¡°Right.¡± ¡°What do you want to do next?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± ¡°Pirate ship it is!¡± I stand still to let my skin cool while Cody walks over to get in line for the ride. It¡¯s just a few strides to catch up. ¡°Ew, no, that one always makes me feel like I¡¯m being pulled and pushed by a giant on a swing.¡± ¡°It is a swing.¡± ¡°Shut up!¡± I lightly and playfully push him. I was just lying to myself I could ignore my feelings for him waking up again. I shouldn¡¯t be acting like this. I¡¯m acting like I¡¯m just a kid again with him. I¡¯m acting like I have a tomorrow with him. I¡¯m acting like he¡¯s something I still want. And fuck! Fuck it. I do. ¡°Where are you going?¡± I ask him when he leaves the line. ¡°I don''t actually want to get on. You threw up last time, remember? I don¡¯t want to live through that horror again,¡± he grimaces. I follow him to the Ferris wheel. It¡¯s always been my favorite ride. It¡¯s been my favorite because it always gave me the time to have him just for myself when we were little. For a short few minutes, we could talk about the things we wanted as more than friends. It was a break from everything happening outside of that moment. The view is still the same. The town is the same. Nothing changes around here. Storm clouds are slowly approaching. Even that doesn''t change. But I changed. Cody changed. We did, haven''t we?" ¡°Something on your mind? You¡¯re not saying anything," I break the silence. He¡¯s not even looking at me. His eyes are fixated on the forest. ¡°When I told you we didn''t have to talk about it and that we should just enjoy the time we have. I meant every word of it. I wasn''t ready to tell you what I wanted to tell you back then, but I think I am now.¡± ¡°And that is?¡± I say that like I¡¯m not shitting my pants right now. I¡¯ve been under the assumption we want the same thing. That¡¯s the only thing that has made us work every time we hung out together since we agreed. We have to let each other go. ¡°When you go back. I want you to forget about me. Block me on everything. Forget I ever existed and be happy with the guy you''re with.¡± ¡°I-¡± I knew this was going to be a goodbye. I was right. We were on the same page. But now hearing it from him, I hate it. It hurts. It''s now real. ¡°Ems, you suck at hiding your emotions,¡± he chuckles then looks at me for the first time since we got inside the ride. ¡°It¡¯s okay. Leave me behind. Leave this town behind. It¡¯s nothing but poison. You managed to escape it. So don¡¯t ever come back because all it would do is swallow you whole. I¡¯m nothing but that same poison.¡± I don''t want to let go. ¡°What if-¡± I pause. I can¡¯t even believe my own thoughts. It wasn¡¯t supposed to be like this. Is he playing me? Why today, why now? I still have a few weeks in town. I already made up my mind, I just can¡¯t go back on it in the final minute. It¡¯s a play. That¡¯s all it is. He¡¯s manipulating me again. That¡¯s what it is. It has to be. Cody is still the same. The tears building up in his eyes say otherwise. ¡°What if that¡¯s not what I want?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t lie to me.¡± I can¡¯t bear to even look at him anymore unless I want to break down too. "No. Don''t do this to me...I don''t..." I don''t finish my sentence because my body moved on its own and stops me. I didn''t mean to kiss him. Cody hesitates but eventually wraps his arms around me too. He holds my head tightly on his chest after pulling my lips away. I can hear his heartbeat. ¡°You¡¯re the love of my life, I want you to know that,¡± he says. He says and yet tells me to completely rip him out of my life. ¡°Then why?!¡± ¡°You deserve better.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not going to do it. I¡¯m not going to block you. I¡¯m not gonna forget about you! I cant...¡± He untangles his arms and then grabs my shoulders and moves me away. ¡°I need you to let me go. You have to let me let you go. Maybe in another life, maybe it could have worked out. Maybe there, we loved each other right. Maybe in that life, we did all the things we said we''d do, but we got this one instead.¡± I get back on my seat and wipe my tears with the bottom of my tank top. ¡°You¡¯re cruel. Then what? What happens after?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll write about it,¡± he shrugs, trying to make a joke. ¡°I swear to you, if there was any good in us, it would have stayed. I''ll be okay, Emily. You already know you will be too.¡± ¡°This is the last night I¡¯ll ever see you then, right?¡± I try to fake a laugh. I fail. ¡°Yeah. It is.¡± ¡°Then can I have this night? Can I have you this night? Just you. Because that¡¯s what I want right now. Let me be selfish, one last time.¡± The silence afterward is unbearable. ¡°I¡¯m yours.¡± - This is the punishment for my selfishness. This is my punishment for trying to do the one thing I never wanted. It''s the punishment for not learning my lesson. I think I understand the anger and fright in his eyes when I saw him desperately trying to fight it in the woods that day. I see it now. I understand the true poison that plagues this town. It¡¯s been killing us for years now and none of us ever knew. How could we? None of us are supposed to be involved but threads of this poison travel deep. Everyone in this town, everyone in this city and state has a thread of toxin slowly killing them. The only way to save yourself is to escape. I escaped. I came back. And I don¡¯t think I can survive this. There is no happy ending. It¡¯s naive to think that everything will wrap up in a pretty little bowtie. Life doesn¡¯t work that way. It¡¯s hard to accept when everything I ever consumed growing up told me that happily ever after always comes. I was born in a world where I¡¯ve been told I deserve it all. Nobody ever said I should be held accountable for my actions. I wanted to be better. I thought I could be better. I am far too selfish. I am far too greedy. No one falls in love with someone just so they would be a stranger when it¡¯s all said and done. I believed I would know you forever. 42. Cody VII: A love, a loss Cody VII It¡¯s beautiful when the clouds don''t blanket the blue. My eyes follow its sunset¡¯s hue and with my arms wide open to embrace the view. A heart I''ve broken paired with a mind that¡¯s trapped in gloom. Every single broken piece of broken glass I carry on a back that¡¯s broken in this rainless summer. Even when the seasons change into freezing rain, I won¡¯t be afraid. I¡¯ll walk a path that¡¯s been whispered in wind. I¡¯ve been chasing an emotion when I became tired of content. The ghosts pretend and they tell me I¡¯m so different. They lie and say that I¡¯m perfect and kiss me because I¡¯m so magnificent. They tell me every lie they can conjure all to craft me a crown that is hollow. It made me a monster. And when everything I ever love disappeared I thought I would become something else instead. Now that October¡¯s sun''s set, I remember what she said, ¡°Well, I want to hurt you how you hurt me. I want you to tell me how bad it hurts, I want it to eat at you how it ate at me. I want you to hate me, to despise me for doing this to you. I want you to cry, to squirm, and have all that pain crawl into your skin like poison.¡± I start to relish. She¡¯s so archangelic. And when I start to hear her laugh again it becomes so anesthetic. Her hand brushes mine and I swear it¡¯s magnetic. Her smile is just as dangerous. I swear today has just become so hellish. I¡¯ve known long of goodbyes. I¡¯ve known long that holding onto this thread is ripping the skin off my palm. I know that when I let go the damage will stop. After all, better is what comes after worse. I just haven¡¯t been ready. I thought I was but didn''t have the courage. I''ve been trying to find it. It only becomes harder the closer I get. It''s just out of touch and if I continue I won''t be able to grab hold of it. I have to find it today. When the rain falls, it¡¯ll entrench all that gets touched. Harvested love can only come after the rain. Storm is a prerequisite to gain. The sun only shines after it rains. You can only grow after that mental strain. Yet all it does is make evergreens to defend against the next one. I wonder if I¡¯d prefer whisky neat or on the rocks. The lion cub shows up nervous that it might drop. She¡¯s grown and no longer needs to follow behind my legs. She has found the courage to roar and such gets me cornered. ¡°I need to- I need,¡± her words stutter. ¡°I really like you, Cody. I¡¯ve liked you for the longest time and I just-I just want you to tell me you feel the same.¡± She¡¯s a victim of neglect. A starved lion cub without a pack. She¡¯s been lost for so long. All she ever wanted was someone to look up to. Someone she could follow and teach her how to be a proper lioness. She wants friends. She wants to be accepted. She wants to belong. She wants to grow up. She wants a voice. ¡°You know I can¡¯t tell you what you want.¡± ¡°Right,¡± her word vibrates. This hasn¡¯t been the first time I¡¯ve told someone no. It is the first time that I wish I didn¡¯t. I never wanted to hurt her but I¡¯m not the one in control of her feelings. It¡¯s better to cause her pain now than build a room that¡¯ll just end up suffocating us together. ¡°Is it because there¡¯s something wrong with me? Is it because I¡¯m too ugly?¡± She makes me laugh. She¡¯s cute and still too naive. ¡°No, dumbass. There¡¯s isn¡¯t a thing wrong with you, Grace. I¡¯m sorry I can¡¯t ever reciprocate your feelings but it¡¯s not because of you. Nothing''s wrong with you. Don¡¯t let anyone tell you otherwise. You¡¯re much more than your insecurities.¡± ¡°Then what am I?¡± ¡°My friend? Shit, my best friend at this point. You¡¯re a dumb little sister that always follows me around and you know what? I don¡¯t mind. I would like to keep it that way, but that part is up to you now.¡± ¡°Me?¡± ¡°Yeah. You decide what happens next.¡± "You want to still be friends?" "Yeah." ¡°I¡¯m gonna go back to Sara. I...I need to think." It¡¯s frustrating. The day just piles headaches on top of each other. At the end of it, I await the end of my world. I don¡¯t need anything else that¡¯ll make it worse than it already is. I thought I wanted to wait until she left. I think If I do that it would give me enough time to change my mind. It¡¯s already beginning to change. The swan to the vulture finds me. ¡°Where¡¯s Ems?¡± ¡°In the food court with Sara.¡± The sister has always been a cunning one. She¡¯s always been direct and impossible to hide from. She¡¯s great at getting you to say what¡¯s on your mind. ¡°Hoe,¡± she snickers. ¡°Well now that I get you alone, I¡¯ve been dying to ask.¡± I groan. ¡°What is it?¡± ¡°You¡¯re not trying to win her over, are you? You guys have been together a lot the past few weeks.¡± ¡°I''m not.¡± ¡°I knew it. Travis and I did the exact same thing. This is a goodbye, isn¡¯t it?¡± My brother never flinched when he heard the news that Jerrica was back in Darkwood. They were a childhood couple just like we were. I thought that he would at least care a little bit. To my knowledge, they haven¡¯t tried to get back into contact. So I asked him about it. He said that some things are better left unshaken. This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. ¡°How did you two handle it?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know how he feels about it, but it was a near-perfect day for me. Maybe if I wasn¡¯t about to move away, or maybe if things were a little different, maybe, maybe if I was different, I would¡¯ve fallen in love with Travis that night. He would¡¯ve been my first love.¡± ¡°He wasn¡¯t?¡± ¡°No,¡± she chuckles. ¡°But I think I¡¯ll get it soon. Come on,¡± she motions over to me, ¡°She''s waiting.¡± "She''s going to change her mind, isn''t she?" "Don''t let her." The lion cub has gone home. Only the swan, the vulture, and the Maine Coon remain. I half expected the hyena to be here but the animal is too unpredictable. The fish has become so reclusive that it¡¯s hard to get him to show up anywhere anymore. It¡¯s been a year since the last fair where we were all here. At that time we had a new member, the dove. It was a year ago today before everything started to fall apart. Everything has been chaotic since. I¡¯m left alone with my vulture. Her beak snips away skin ever so slowly ever since I offered myself. Now I¡¯m left nothing but a skeleton. It was a welcomed touch when I fell in love. Now it¡¯s tearing through the trenches without a thought. Her mind wanders while I win her a gift and it brings her back. She then jokingly asks for the grand prize and I accidentally manage to with. I get her a bracelet she picks out instead. I have to stop the thought that it means anything. It doesn¡¯t. And yet her smile gets injected into my veins. The blush on her cheeks makes it hard for me to resist its magnetic pull. It¡¯s when she tells me to, ¡°Shut up!¡± that rips me apart. I¡¯m falling in love all over again. I have to tell her now. If I don''t, my mind will change. it doesn''t matter if I''m not ready. It doesn''t matter if I''m scared. I do it scared. I tell her. Her heart breaks. It¡¯s clear that this is what we both expected but my words are twisting her mind again. It¡¯s here where she tries to turn around and change her mind. I don¡¯t let her and she leaps into my arms. The sudden touch and her sweet lips made me say the last thing I wanted. It¡¯s not a lie, but I never wanted to say it. It¡¯ll just corrupt her head even more. I stand on my ground. I can''t let her change my mind. The vulture says, ¡°Then can I have this night? Can I have you this night?¡± I don¡¯t know how it would feel to experience time not moving. I imagine that it doesn''t right now. The world stops and everything fades to black. All that it does is leave me with her and nothing else and I finally can acknowledge her name. I want my Emily. ¡°I¡¯m yours.¡± I want one final night. - Emily is an infection, an addiction, and I can''t fight it. She¡¯s my weakness. She¡¯s everything to me. But she isn¡¯t mine. She never was. It was shown to me when I was reminded of who I used to be. It was like a fever dream and I¡¯m not even sure if it was real. I loved the attention. It turned me into a narcissist. There was nothing wrong with that, I thought. It wasn¡¯t until I hurt Elizabeth. It wasn¡¯t until when I drove Emily away. I¡¯m just glad I wasn¡¯t worse. I¡¯ve easily could¡¯ve. When I first met the true poison, I think I knew. It¡¯s why he disgusted me so much. He¡¯s able to take what he wants. It joys him. It makes him complete. It made it so clear to me when he stepped foot in that clearing and told me himself. His fangs sink into those who become infatuated with him. It took away Elizabeth. He was the corruption that killed her. It almost took Sara too. I saw him as a mirror. He''s what I could have become. - And now Emily holds my hand with her head resting on my shoulder. Does it still end after this? It sure doesn¡¯t feel like it. Even now it feels euphoric. I don¡¯t want to let it go. I thought I was changing. I thought I could change. This relationship in our blood is just a cell. It keeps us caged. I thought I could celebrate the sweet escape. The flame of hell was made to endure, not to be afraid. So why am I afraid? It¡¯s okay. It¡¯s just fire. It¡¯s just love. It¡¯s just us. It¡¯s just this once. This heart of mine beats so much that it starts seizing up. It¡¯s the sign of an optimist. She, the vulture, Emily, kisses me on my bottom lip. She shows me what I hide beneath my grin, under my deceitful skin. He¡¯s just a guy who I¡¯d like to meet. He¡¯s the one who can see a rainbow in a puddle of grim. Every piece of him isn¡¯t divided into bits as it seems. He holds out his hand that says love is blind so sink or swim. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I did it again.¡± she apologizes. ¡°It''s okay, right?.¡± ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s alright.¡± It should be eating her. It¡¯s not. She¡¯s proud. After all, it''s just us for tonight. ¡°Is there anything else you want to do here? I sort of want to go to your house. I haven¡¯t said hi to your mom this entire summer. I feel bad.¡± We¡¯re going too far. This isn¡¯t something we can go back from. This isn¡¯t something she should be doing. She has to know this. I know she doesn¡¯t care right now. I know how much she will hate herself for it. But I let her. It''s just for tonight. It¡¯ll be my sin. She deserves much better. She has better. I¡¯ll give her what she wants tonight but I''ll be strong enough to end it afterwards. I¡¯ve held onto this hope that one day it will all work out for us in the end. It never felt so strong when I found out she came back. I always thought that it was going to work. It wasn¡¯t going to be now, or soon but in the far future, when I was ready. That delusion kept me going. It was my chain. I have to end it even if breaks me. That¡¯s what I always planned anyway. Nothing that''ll happen today is going to change that. I''m not going to fall in love with her. - There are two parking lots for the fair. The largest is connected to the town''s main road and everyone parks there. The other is on the opposite side and rarely used. Not many more people have parked there since we did. It''s getting too late for anyone else to come. ¡°The food here is good and all,¡± Emily says as we leave the fairgrounds, ¡°but nothing beats your mom''s cooking. I¡¯ve sort of been looking forward to it all summer.¡± ¡°She¡¯s been bothering me nonstop about you.¡± ¡°As she should!¡± I hear the hyena¡¯s iconic laugh as soon as I open my car''s door. Someone else shouts. I look further ahead of us and see the hyena with the fish sitting on the hood of his car. Someone else is approaching them. The poison is approaching them. My eyes gravitate to the gun. - I asked myself if I ever got involved, would it have changed anything? I knew who he was. I knew how dangerous he was. I knew to stay away from him. I never thought I would ever run into him. I never thought it was ever going to be my problem. And now he is. He always has been. I thought this was the night where things would end. I never meant it literally. I¡¯m powerless. I never felt so weak. There isn¡¯t a thing I can do. I yell to Emily to run but she doesn¡¯t. She can¡¯t. No one can. We didn''t do anything to go through this. We didn''t do anything for this to happen. We weren''t involved. We just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. This is my punishment for allowing Emily to cave in. All we can do is try and survive. I don''t think we can. - My head hangs heavy when we exchange heavy blows. The pain numbs when it becomes difficult to breathe. I feel the checkmate coming close. I¡¯m ready to give up. Her terrified frown keeps me afloat. I was amazed by the way that she changed. Her footprints carried the rays from the sun that burst into flames. Her eyes became a vibrant jade. The color of her skin carried weight she no longer hides. There was never any looking at the ground for her anymore She always looked straight ahead. She no longer needed to pick away what was left of my skeleton. I yearn for peace and clarity in a world that offers destruction instead. I was ready to become the bitter part of her past. A stranger. I never believed I would lose her forever. 43a. Elizabeth: Summer in the woods Elizabeth Final Felix comes in to gank as Lee Sin as soon as Grace turns level 6 as Ahri. He comes from the bottom of the lane and lands his Q on the enemy Ziggs. He knocks the enemy back towards Ahri who lands her charm and it ends up in a kill. ¡°Good shit,¡± he compliments her over Skype. ¡°Thanks. Uh, Sejuani¡¯s coming.¡± The enemy Sejuani tries to come in to revenge kill Ahri, who has only 100hp left. Felix uses his abilities to get in front of her and take the front of the damage. Ahri uses her ultimate to reposition and throws her charm the second it¡¯s off cooldown. Lee Sin then uses his entire combo and gives Grace another kill. ¡°That¡¯s GG, I guess.¡± He¡¯s right. After those two kills, Grace starts to snowball out of control and takes over the game. Any time the enemy tries to take an objective, Grace shows up and leaves with more kills. The game ends at 20 minutes with a surrender. Grace sighs in relief. ¡°How does it feel?¡± Grace looks over at her victory screen. She stares down at the number on the screen. She¡¯s now above 2000 in Elo. Grace is in the top 1% of players in North America, it might be even higher. She doesn¡¯t know. ¡°Good, I guess.¡± Felix laughs. ¡°Come on, I thought you would be happier.¡± ¡°Me too.¡± ¡°You¡¯re going to the fair tonight, right? Is that what¡¯s bothering you?¡± ¡°Yeah. I thought I was gonna go with Cody, but he¡¯s going with Emily instead. It pisses me off.¡± ¡°Have you told him how you feel?¡± ¡°No, but I think he already knows.¡± ¡°Tell him. You won''t know until you do." ¡°I¡¯ll just get rejected.¡± ¡°So? You win either way.¡± "How?" "You''ll get what you want or you''ll get hurt. And when your heart breaks, you can build it up to be even stronger. Next time it won''t hurt as bad." Grace slumps deeper into her chair. ¡°What if it doesn''t get stronger?" They''ve been playing video games together the entire summer. She likes to finally have somebody to play with, somebody who likes the same games she does. She likes how easy it is to talk to Felix. He understands her. He listens to her. She tells him everything that goes on in her life and Felix gives her advice that always makes her feel better. She trusts him. ¡°It will because I see you. I see what you can become.¡± Grace believes his words. She believes him when Felix tells her that she can change the parts of herself that she hates. Her appearance. Her timidness. Her naivety. The lack of confidence. Grace''s insecurity of feeling not being enough for anyone. Undesired. - Marina continues to watch the news on the television. She knows how many people are in Lyle¡¯s pocket. The loyalty they have for him makes sure that Lyle''s name won''t be known. Some too many of his girls are willing to do anything to protect him. It¡¯s why the plan was to put in a call of an active shooter to wherever the chip goes. Hundreds of calls were automated throughout the country to bring as much attention to Lyle''s warehouses. She gets up from her seat and walks over to the bathroom where she undresses herself. There hasn¡¯t been a day where she didn¡¯t hate the color of her skin. She hates her white eyelashes, her white lips, her white hair, and her white eyes. She¡¯s nothing more than a freak. Marina pulls up her bangs to see the thing she hates the most. Her entire life she¡¯s been a circus show made for party tricks. She finds comfort in the fur of her cat who follows her. Marina picks up the cat and gives it a nice warm hug. There was only one man who showed her kindness. It was easy to believe in his words when he was the only positive thing in her life. All he asked for was to help him achieve his dreams which she was happy to do. It was noble and admirable. She didn¡¯t care how many lives had to be lost for it to happen. Marina believed in him. Then he died. The only light in her world was replaced by a darkness pretending to be her light. Lyle was nothing more than a corrupted ideal of the man she once called a father. Lyle is sick, twisted, and sadistic. The scars that imitate ripped-off angel wings on her back are proof of that. It¡¯s proof that his charming words and kind smile are nothing more than lies. She was a fool thinking Lyle inherited the will of her father. She''s just another of his victims of Stockholm Syndrome. She wants to believe the idea of her father was genuine and not lie she told herself to keep her safe. Marina thinks about the girl who died under Lyle¡¯s spell. She was different. She was special. There was a faint pull that Marina felt. They only met once but she still remembers exactly what she said. ¡°You¡¯re the girl in the white dress. I¡¯m sorry I couldn¡¯t be a good girl. I tried. I did try, but I¡¯m tired. I can''t do this anymore.¡± Marina had the option to help her, but Marina still called herself Sessions. She still believed in Lyle and it wasn''t her problem. Marina didn''t have the heart to see she was bound by the prison she''d been kept in her entire life. In her loneliness, she helped create others like her just so she had someone to relate to. That''s the guilt she wears. She doesn''t ever think she can forgive herself, but she can at least try. The death of the girl shouldn''t have affected Marina. She''s used to it. It was my death that awoke the humanity in Marina. Her entire life, she''s been pulled towards the woman her father sought after. When Marina was a teenager, her father found this girl. The woman escaped before Marina could meet her. Then Marina''s father was killed and Lyle discovered Marina''s existence. It''s been five years since that happened. As if it was destiny, the girl was never too far behind wherever Marina went. Marina never sought to discover who she was, she didn''t want to. It was my death that caused the woman who was pulling on Marina to finally bring them together. ¡°You have the power to heal the people she hurt. There¡¯s a kid just like us, find him then you¡¯ll know what to do. He''ll set you free from the prison Azul raised you in,¡± she told the mute girl. Her attention jolts back to the TV when she hears her name being said. Sessions. She¡¯s being framed as the ringleader of everything but this is expected. This is the purpose of having that name. Sessions is only a title. It''s meant to be passed around. Lyle was the third to have it. Marina is the fourth and won''t be the last. Someone else will inherit the name. Sessions is just a name to pin all the blame on. It''s why Marina is the perfect person to hold it. There isn''t a soul alive who knows her real name. Unlike Lyle, Marina never had a legal name. In the eyes of the law, she does not exist. She''s the perfect ghost. Marina has no identity. With everything Lyle made her believe and do, there was one thing he could never force her to do. Marina Lyle just doesn''t have the same ring to it. It doesn''t sound right. It doesn''t roll off the tongue. She finally receives a message from her tormentor. Instead of answering him, she sends him an unrelated message. "You never asked what my name was." Marina Lightyears is only the name she gave herself. Taken from her favorite video game protagonist. Only her father knows her real name. - Grace walks home from the town fair trying to hold back her tears the best she can. She wanted to stay with her friends but didn''t want to break down in front of them. They were there to have fun and Grace was only going to ruin the mood. She rather wants to experience the first rain of the summer through her window than on her skin. She wants to wrap herself around her mother¡¯s arms but she isn¡¯t home. Grace just wants her mom. She wants to sleep in her arms. She wants her mom to pay attention to her again. Sara and Andrew aren''t the only ones who need her help. Grace needs help too. She sits down and opens her summer homework thinking it¡¯ll distract her. It doesn''t. There is a little relief in her heart that she had the courage to go through her confession. It hurts getting rejected, but always questioning if she had a chance was hurting her more. A year ago she would pass out at the thought of even thinking about it. It¡¯s what she thinks she should write about. She wants to document just how much she¡¯s grown. But just like every other day before, she¡¯s unable to write anything down. Frustrated, she throws one of her pillows at her open closet and it knocks one of her jackets down. It''s the one she wore when Andrew took her to the rave. She hung it up right after and forgot to ever wash it. A clear bag slightly sticks out of the pocket. It¡¯s filled with a purple-colored powder. She thought she had given it back to Andrew. Grace remembers how she felt on it. It¡¯s the perfect escape from the pain, confusion, anger, and sadness she feels now. She remembers what Andrew almost did. He''s living with her now and they haven''t talked about it yet. Grace thinks he just doesn''t remember. It''s better if he doesn''t. It''s embarrassing for her. But Grace does want to ask Andrew why he stopped himself. It''s something she thinks about often. Grace knows she isn''t the prettiest but not ugly enough for Andrew to not touch her. Andrew fucks anyone who''ll let him. Why was she different? She thinks there is something fundamentally wrong with her. Grace opens the bag and dips her finger inside. - Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original. Lyle clenches his fist as he watches the news. Everything falls apart in mere minutes. Almost all of his warehouses are in the process of being raided. Everything he''s worked on for the past five years is being destroyed. He''s been getting calls from everyone who''s involved with him. Lyle ignores them all. There''s only one call he bothered to accept. The voice on the other line just laughs at him, ¡°I told you this would happen. Azul did not give his inheritance to you.¡± the voice is from one of Lyle¡¯s former friends. They were the same age when they joined Golden Hearts together. It''s the original Sessions, the first one, the one who created the urban legend. His call was the last Lyle ever expected. "I can just rebuild," Lyle tells him. "I think it''ll be fun to start from nothing again." "I don''t think you understand," The original Sessions says coldly. "You lost Marina." "Never knew you would lie about something not possible. Hmph, you were always jealous of me." "No, I just never had something to prove. Just who do you think you are? You should have listened when I told you Marina would wake up one day. Now look at what''s happening. Who do you think did this?" Lyle''s eyes widen. He doesn''t want to believe him. There isn''t a world where Marina betrays him. Marina is his destiny and always has been. There isn''t a girl he has a tighter grip on. Marina is in love with him. Then Lyle remembers she started to act a bit differently. She began to show more emotions. She was growing soft. Marina went against his back and freed the newest girl he set his eyes on. Lyle didn''t know that girl was Andrew''s sister. Marina had convinced him that it was better to let Sara go so Andrew would never find out. She convinced him that Andrew would be more useful to him. Lyle should have noticed it then. He should have questioned her when she asked him to bring Andrew''s friend, Chris, telling him he could make more Winter for him. The original Sessions laughs, "Who do you think gave her the information of our old gang, on what you didn''t know about? I was happy enough letting you do your own thing, but you just had to cross the line didn''t you? That was my friend you killed. That was my friend you failed to take. I know Marina would never tell you so how did you find her?" "Quit lying to me." "You saw the world that was above you and you tried to take it for yourself. You idolized Azul so much. You wanted to be just like him. But he never did tell you what makes Marina so different, did he? He never told you what made him so special either. And now Marina has seen that you aren''t like them. You lost." Lyle is hung up on. He sends a text to Marina only to receive nonsense. Lyle slams the phone on the ground, smashing it into pieces. It doesn''t matter if Marina betrayed him or not. She can''t ever escape him. Lyle can always find her. He''ll force her back if he has to. He''ll be fine if he loses everything as long as he has Marina. Nothing is more important than she is. It''s been three years since he cut her skin open to put a tracker inside her. This is the first time he''s been forced to use it. Lyle opens his laptop and pings Marina''s location. She''s on the move. She''s in Darkwood. She''s in his hometown. - ¡°Can I ask you a question, Sara?¡± Jerrica asks her once they split up from Cody and Emily. They¡¯re waiting in line for the rollercoaster. Sara nods, taking a bite out of a candy bar. ¡°How do you deal with your brother? How do you put up with him?¡± ¡°You think he¡¯s an asshole too?¡± Sara laughs. ¡°I''m the only one he cares about.¡± ¡°Is there anyone else?¡± ¡°No. He doesn¡¯t trust anyone. Why do you ask?¡± ¡°I¡¯m writing a paper on sociopaths,¡± she lies. Deep down she wants to know if she could ever be that second person. Even if was for a brief moment, Jerrica managed to break down Andrew''s walls. She¡¯s never seen such beauty. ¡°He¡¯s living with us now. It¡¯s an¡­experience,¡± she giggles. ¡°But he seems happy now. I¡¯m hoping he¡¯ll settle down for once.¡± ¡°Do you think he¡¯ll ever let his guard down?¡± ¡°I think it¡¯s far too late for that.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think so. I think he just needs to be convinced that there are people who truly care about him who isn''t only you.¡± ¡°Good luck to whoever tries," Sara looks up at the sky, smiling as it''s common now. Storm clouds are slowly moving to block the sun. "I thought it wasn''t supposed to rain today." Jerrica hides her smile from Sara. She isn¡¯t exactly sure why she¡¯s so drawn to Andrew, to someone so dangerous. The college girl settled that it was just love at first sight. That''s the only thing that explains it. It¡¯s something she¡¯s never experienced before. Romantic love is something she¡¯s never felt, not in the way how she feels now. She¡¯s gone her entire life thinking there was something wrong with her. Andrew is the first person to prove that wrong. When she first laid eyes on him, she never felt such intensity in herself. Jerrica didn¡¯t hesitate. The way he acted turned her on even more. He was exactly how he was described. She¡¯s never been more sure to take on the challenge. ¡°Ems just texted me. I guess we have to cut our date short. They¡¯re leaving and are going to wait for us in the car.¡± ¡°Those selfish little shits!¡± - All the pieces start to converge. - ¡°Where the fuck is she!?¡± Lyle yells at the two people he least expected to find in place of Marina. It just had to be these two, the two Marina was interested in. He pulls out his pistol and aims it at them. ¡°Took you long enough,¡± Andrew laughs, tapping the hood of his car with his fingers. ¡°Was thinking you weren¡¯t going to show up.¡± ¡°I¡¯m only going to ask you once more. Where is Sessions!? Lyle places the end of the barrel directly in between Andrew¡¯s eyes. Cody sees it and runs towards them without thinking. Emily follows after him unaware of what''s happening yet. By the time she does, she stops herself, she''s gotten too close. Lyle is too pissed off to notice the footsteps approaching from behind. Cody tackles him to the ground and the gun falls underneath the car. Andrew thinks about picking it up and using it. He doesn''t. His thoughts on Jerrica stop him. If she had never convinced him he could be good, Andrew wouldn''t hesitate. He doesn''t want to take another life. He doesn''t want to be here because of her now. He needs to. ¡°What the fuck are you doing here?¡± Cody gets up. ¡°Leave them alone! Leave us alone.¡± ¡°He can¡¯t,¡± Andrew says, hopping off the hood of the car. ¡°We took his angel.¡± Lyle laughs as he gets up. ¡°I never thought you had the balls, Andrew. What¡¯s this about? Did you find out that I had your sister all along? Yeah, I loved how desperate you became.¡± ¡°That and what you did to Ellie, fucker.¡± ¡°You¡¯re mad that I made Elizabeth into one of my angels? I was the only one who could see who she truly was. You were all taking her for granted. She was special to me, much more than the others. You don''t see me getting revenge for what you all did to her." "You''re a fucking sick fuck," Cody readies his fists. "She didn''t have any control in her life. I was fixing her, making her strong. I was the one she came to for her dumb little problems. I showed her that she had the power to take back control of her life. And then what happened? She saw someone die in front of her and it broke her. I thought I could use it to make her fully mine. It''s not my fault she couldn''t handle it.¡± ¡°Nah, slim. That¡¯s just the icing. We¡¯re done with you, yeah? Sessions is done with you. You ain''t hurting anyone anymore.¡± Sara and Jerrica walk into the parking lot and see everyone gathered. Naively, they head towards them as they think they¡¯re all standing around. They find Lyle saying, ¡°Fine. I¡¯ll just cut through you all and find Sessions myself. She can¡¯t go far, not with how she looks.¡± Sara recognizes the voice. She finally has a face to match the silhouette. This is him, this is the person who nearly took everything away from her. A vile taste forms in her throat and she wants to vomit. Emily walks over to the pair and says, ¡°We should go. I¡¯m serious.¡± Lyle draws out another pistol from his waist and points it at the girls. ¡°Think I¡¯ll start with these bitches.¡± Cody slaps the hand away and swings at Lyle. Andrew knew better than to bring Lyle here. Everyone should be inside the fair. His eyes glare at Chris. What the fuck was he thinking! He yells inside his head. Chris told him to trust him, but how can he when Sara¡¯s just a trigger pull away from being taken away again? It¡¯s not just her either. Emily¡¯s here too with her dumb big sister. He notices just how terrified the two girls are. Jerrica is the only one who seems to be unfazed. She¡¯s staring back at him with a slight smile. Jerrica moves and stands in front of the girls. ¡°Don¡¯t you fucking dare!¡± Andrew charges in. ¡°Bring me Sessions!¡± Lyle avoids his attack with ease and pushes Andrew away. Lyle can shoot any time he wants, but he prefers to toy with his prey first. ¡°Who the fuck is that?!¡± Jerrica scoffs. It snaps the attention away from Lyle for a split second. It¡¯s enough time for Cody to charge toward Lyle. He manages to lift him up and slam him down on the ground. Andrew rushes over and accidentally kicks the gun away while Cody tries his hardest to pummel Lyle. Each jab is blocked with his arms. Chris takes a glance over to the girls and sees Grace is missing. All of his threads snap and he no longer can see or feel what happens next. The panic sets in. There¡¯s only the hope that the police show up in time. Andrew was fine with whatever happened when it was just him and Chris. He was fine with Cody showing up. But now the girls are here. Sara''s in danger. Jerrica is in danger. Andrew is forced to protect them by any means. He goes after the gun he knocked away. Lyle knocks Cody off and elbows his jaw in the process. Lyle hits Cody with a quick left jab then a strong right that knocks Cody down. Lyle kicks Andrew''s back before he can pick up the gun on the ground. Andrew tries to attack one more time but he¡¯s punched in the middle of his chest, knocking all the air out of him. Lyle knees Andrew in the face when he hurls down to catch his breath. This knocks Andrew out cold. It¡¯s no use. Cody and Andrew are used to street fights but Lyle knows how to properly fight. Lyle uses this time to catch a bit of his breath and picks up the gun he dropped. Cody gets back up and manages to hit Lyle in the jaw right as he does. It doesn¡¯t do anything and only angers Lyle even more. Cody throws a punch again but Lyle catches it and twists it behind Cody¡¯s back. He steps on the back of Cody¡¯s knees, making him kneel. He presses the gun on the side of Cody¡¯s head. ¡°This is how it feels, Cody,¡± he says. ¡°This is how you die.¡± ¡°F-Fuck you!¡± ¡°Y¡¯know what¡¯s funny?!¡± Lyle starts to laugh. ¡°I always liked you. I see a lot of myself in you. Our only difference is that you failed Elizabeth, just like you failed everyone here.¡± Cody winces in pain but doesn¡¯t respond. He¡¯s facing Emily who is too mortified to move. ¡°Run!¡± he yells at the girls. ¡°Move and I shoot him,¡± Lyle rebuttals. Chris gulps down a big ball of saliva. He can¡¯t help, there¡¯s nothing he can do. Andrew¡¯s eyes open but everything is spinning and his body isn¡¯t responding. Emily¡¯s heart begins to pound hard enough that it could rip out of her chest at any moment. Sara holds her hands together and drops to her knees. She¡¯s shaking too much even to stand. Jerrica''s heart begins to hurt. She looks over at Andrew and bites her hand. She wants to help but she can¡¯t think of anything. She thought this would all turn out to be fine, after all, Andrew¡¯s here. Now reality starts to set in. From the corner of her eye, she spots a shiny object under the car. Her legs are shaking too much to move right away, but she inches herself over ever so slowly. ¡°One last fucking time! Where the fuck is she?!¡± Andrew opens his eyes again. He admits defeat. He opens his mouth to say where Marina is but only his groans come out. He considers the possibility that everyone dies regardless what he tells Lyle. That¡¯s just the type of person he is. Still, it¡¯s the only thing he can do now to try and save everyone, but no words come out. Cody continues to stare at Emily. He only pays attention to her tears. ¡°I set her free,¡± Chris barely answers as his thoughts are screaming and scrambling through his head. ¡°I''ll tell you where she is if you let everyone go. I''ll trade my life for theirs.¡± Lyle smirks and points the gun at Chris. Cody sees the small window and risks it. He breaks free of Lyle and pushes the gun out of his hands. He leaps towards it, grabs it, and points it at Lyle. Chris¡¯s mind is deteriorating too fast. His thoughts are not even present anymore. He¡¯s losing it. The world starts to disappear around him and nothing becomes real. The ocean consumes it and it begins to darken. ¡°What do you think you¡¯re doing boy?¡± Lyle chuckles. ¡°You think shooting me will solve any of your problems? You already failed. Destiny has brought all of us together and it doesn¡¯t end in my death.¡± ¡°Shut the fuck up! It¡¯s over! Leave us alone,¡± Cody yells. His heart is about to explode and his arm is shaking too much. He wants to shoot but can¡¯t bring himself to do it. If he does this, there¡¯s no coming back. He¡¯s convinced it would cement him as a monster, but Cody has to save his friends. He has no other choice. In the distance, they all start to hear police sirens start to approach. Chris''s mind starts to shatter. It¡¯s happening. This doesn¡¯t end well. None of this was supposed to happen. He¡¯s too scared. It¡¯s all a sham. He begs his friend for help but it¡¯s only jumbled words. - But you can¡¯t do anything, can you? - Jerrica inches her way toward the car. The tables have turned but that doesn¡¯t stop her from imagining something going wrong. She kneels and feels around for the pistol that was dropped much earlier. ¡°You live in a box, unable to see what¡¯s above you,¡± Lyle starts to laugh. ¡°The world is just one cosmic journey where we all arrive at our eventual destination. You have no idea what Sessions means to the world. You have no idea just how intertwined our lives are just because she exists, because Elisabeth existed. Shoot me!¡± ¡°Shut up!¡± Cody screams, his finger slowly getting tighter on the trigger. Emily¡¯s heart starts to race and she doesn¡¯t know what to do. Her body is a statue and she manages to process that she is having a massive panic attack. She can feel every part of her body tremble and she can¡¯t think anymore. All she can think is about calming down as she hyperventilates. So she repeats, ¡°Calm down,¡± over and over again. But like always, it never helps. The only person who can is about to kill someone. She doesn''t want Cody to do this. She knows he won''t ever forgive himself despite it being the right thing to do. She''ll never have her Cody if he does this. ¡°Cody, h-help me!¡± she manages to shout. Cody eye¡¯s break focus as he knows what those words mean and like always, he will be there to calm her down. All she needs is a long embrace in his arms. Lyle sees the opportunity and lunges at Cody. However, Cody is too focused, he sees this and shoots. Nothing happens. The sirens¡¯ lights start to show. Lyle laughs because he knows he isn''t in any danger. He punches Cody, causing him to drop the gun. Lyle catches it and unlocks the safety. Emily panics even more and sprints down the pavement. She falls; bangs her head on the concrete, gets up, and rushes to Cody. Jerrica grabs hold of the gun and points it at Lyle. It¡¯s much heavier than she ever thought but it doesn''t matter. She swings her arms towards Lyle to shoot, but it''s too late. The gun also had the safety on. Chris watches. It was never supposed to be like this. He can observe every little detail and even notices Lyle slowly squeezing the trigger. His mind breaks completely. ¡°Oh yeah! I¡¯m insane!¡± BANG! A mixture of fireworks and thunder off in the distance muffle the sound. Chris drops on the floor, screams, and everything goes silent. Cody catches Emily who falls in front of him. She lifts her trembling arms off her chest where it hurts the most. Her hands are soaked in blood. Cody slumps his body and doesn''t care that Lyle has the barrel pointed directly at him again. He only listens to Emily''s painful winces and crying. He hugs himself around her body and closes his eyes. He doesn''t care what happens next. ¡°DROP YOUR WEAPON!¡± They all hear. Emily is lowered to the ground. She rolls her body so she faces the sky as she holds her chest. A few droplets of rain begin to splash her face as her eyes become difficult to keep open. Her vision fades into darkness as she feels the intensity of the rain pick up and wash away her blood. It''s raining down again. 43b. Elizabeth: and we knew it was our time It''s been days since the fourth of July. Lyle was arrested before anyone else could get hurt. Gossip spreads like wildfire inside of Darkwood. It''s all everyone has been talking about but for whatever reason, no one has any info as to where he was taken. The story was mentioned on the news but no names were ever shared due to do minors being involved. There haven''t been any updates since, but Cody doesn''t care. What matters is that Emily survived. ¡°I guess this is punishment for being selfish,¡± she says to him. "I¡¯m done. I¡¯m tired. I¡¯m so fucking tired.¡± ¡°I know.¡± It''s a miracle Emily''s alive. That''s twice now. Emily made a joke that that''s she''s immortal. Cody didn''t laugh. She only said that to lighten the mood. ¡°They¡¯re letting me leave in a few days. Dad¡¯s going to drive me to New York right after. After that, I¡¯m never coming back. You¡¯ll get your wish.¡± For the first time today, Emily looks at Cody. She means what she says. There isn¡¯t anything good for her in this town. Cody was right. All it does is try to kill her and everyone around her. She was happier back home in New York. She let a moment of weakness convince her otherwise. Cody looks down at his hands. They were powerless. There wasn¡¯t a thing he could do to protect her. Perhaps there was never a thing he could ever do for her. ¡°Don¡¯t look back when you do.¡± Emily grips the hospital bedsheets as hard as she can. ¡°I just can¡¯t fucking stand it anymore!¡± She begins to cry. ¡°I hate this town! I hate the people in it. I hate how everyone talks and gossips. I hate how it¡¯s always cloudy and rainy. I hate that it turns you into the worst version you can be. I hate how it corrupts you and makes you believe it¡¯s fine. I hate the people that it turned us into...¡± Emily wipes off her tears. She believed she could have her best friend for one last night. The kiss she gave him on impulse was almost enough to convince her that they would always be for each other. What happened was the universe correcting her mistake. There isn¡¯t a single doubt inside her anymore. Emily needs to leave the past behind. She''s been holding on to something that she should have let go a long time ago. Cody knows he has to do the same. He gave Emily one night. It shouldn''t have even been given. They were doing fine. Things were going back to normal for a while. The idea was to spend one last summer as friends. That''s what was working. All he wanted was to end things on good terms. But then Emily caved in, and so did Cody. He thought one night wouldn''t be so bad, one last night as lovers. Now in hindsight, that was going to be a mistake. If everything had gone like they were headed, Cody would have told Emily to stay. He wouldn''t let her go and she wouldn''t want to either. In a way, they were both saved. "Back then," her words tremble by the memory. "When Ellie blew us off, it was Lyle who picked her up right? How did you know it was him? You never met him." "Did I ever tell you who pushed me to do poetry and hip-hop?" "You liked it, I just thought that''s what you always wanted to do." Cody shook his head. "Not enough to pursue it. I met this artist a few years ago, She read my notebook by accident. She liked what she read. She encouraged me to keep practicing so one day I can show her how much I improved." "What does this have to do with Lyle?" "She was weird. Really weird. Weird like you wouldn''t expect that is how she acts in private. Before she left, she told me something that made no sense to me at the time. She said that a man with silver hair was after her and that I should stay away if I ever met him. She showed me a photo of him. That was Lyle. I only remember because his silver hair stood out." "It wasn''t silver when..." "I know, he must have cut it." - The next day, Jerrica spots Andrew leaning against the wall at the far end hallway where Emily is staying. She looks back into her sister¡¯s room. Emily manages to keep her spirits up while she talks with Grace, Sara, and Virginia. Her sister is telling them about the harsh choice Emily decided to make. Jerrica left so she didn''t have to hear the somber news. She looks back at Andrew who¡¯s just been staring at the ceiling. With all the chaos that''s been going on, they haven''t had the chance to talk. This is the first time she''s seen him alone. She shoves him against the wall and expects him to react, but he doesn¡¯t. ¡°What the fuck were you thinking doing all that shit at the fair?!¡± Jerrica just never thought it would happen to her. And even if it did, she thought it would just be her. She didn''t expect him to put everyone in danger. Andrew doesn¡¯t know how to answer. He thought it was a bad idea, but Chris insisted. Maybe he was deluded into thinking Chris could actually see the future and Sessions can actually show the past. Like they could do the impossible. It¡¯s absurd now that he thinks about it. Those two were little weirdos from the start thought there was a bigger picture. Andrew slams his head on the wall for how delusional he was. ¡°I never planned on all of you showing up.¡± ¡°So what?! You planned on dying then?" Andrew shakes his head, ¡°For once I was doing something for someone else. For Sara. For you.¡± "You promised." "Never planned on breaking it," He lies, or at least thinks he is. His death was never a certainty, just expected. Jerrica wants to push him again but hesitates. She walked into a situation where she had no idea what was going on. Even now she doesn¡¯t fully get it. All she understands is that Lyle was the man who had Andrew chained. It was the barrier that was dividing Andrew from Jerrica. She realizes that Andrew is willing to fight for her. He was willing to give up his life just for a chance to be with her. ¡°Was that a one-time thing? Will you ever put me or my family in danger again?¡± Andrew looks down at Jerrica, ¡°You seen the news? It¡¯s over. I¡¯m free. I¡¯m done. No more.¡± Jerrica wants to believe him. Every single opinion she¡¯s gotten of him has been negative. There is no reason to ever pursue him as she has. There isn¡¯t a single thing he¡¯s done that tells her he¡¯ll be a good partner to her. But Jerrica doesn¡¯t care. Her heart aches for him. It screams at her to follow it unto potential oblivion. Everyone sees nothing but a monster. All she sees is a boy rejecting the world as it rejected him. She sees the diamond mask he wears and how it¡¯s beginning to crack. There¡¯s goodness in him, she knows it. Andrew showed her. Jerrica knows that all Andrew wants is someone to hold him as cries. All Andrew wants is to be held; for someone to give a shit about him. And Andrew knows this too. He¡¯s been denying the hands that reach out to help him for so long. He thought that all it would do was drag him down to the pits of hell with him. In Jerrica¡¯s eyes, he sees it differently. He can¡¯t place it into words yet, but she¡¯s different. It¡¯s more than love. It¡¯s more than he could ever imagine. It¡¯s worth finding out what it is. Because he''s alive now is proof that he''s allowed to have it. ¡°I haven¡¯t forgotten, yeah?¡± Andrew softly speaks. It sends shivers through Jerrica. ¡°I¡¯ll get my shit together. I¡¯ll come to you. I¡¯ll find you. I¡¯m yours¡± Jerrica melts at those words. Their height difference is only two inches but it¡¯s enough for Jerrica to move her head down so she can kiss his lips one more time. ¡°I¡¯ll be waiting,¡± she whispers. Andrew can¡¯t help but sink in one ,more time. The feeling hasn¡¯t changed. Her lips are still the single greatest thing he has ever tasted, has ever touched. Every single waking moment since his mother¡¯s suicide, Andrew has always been tense; always on guard. There was always something to fight against. For the second time, again, every single muscle in his body can relax. He¡¯s done things he could never take back; things that will never leave him. It will forever haunt him. They¡¯re things no one can ever forgive. If he tells Jerrica, would she still stay? Would she still be able to love him after knowing there is something the soul will never recover from? At this moment, that doesn''t matter. That can come later. ¡°Mind getting off him for a second?¡± a third party interrupts. It¡¯s Virginia. ¡°So you¡¯re the girl, huh?¡± she smirks at Jerrica who steps back in embarrassment. ¡°What a twist. I would get off her if you don¡¯t want the girls to find out.¡± ¡°Sort of busy here,¡± Andrew gives a short genuine laugh. ¡°You haven''t been home," she sighs. "You don''t respond to me. Will you finally listen to what I want to tell you?" "You don''t have to. I get it. I fucked up your terms, you can keep all my shit." "Any sane and responsible person would tell you you''re right, but that''s not what I''m going to do." Jerrica looks over to Andrew, surprised that he''s surprised. "Why not?" She asks for him. "Can you promise me you won¡¯t ever put my Gracie or Sara in danger like that? Like it or not, I¡¯m your guardian for the next year. I¡¯m not your friend or your mom. This is your only and last warning. I don''t think I can handle making another big mistake.¡± ¡°I guess you¡¯ll be in good hands,¡± Jerrica backs off. ¡°You have my promise. Nothing like this will ever happen again.¡± Virginia looks at the boy and then at Jerrica. They¡¯re looking at each other just as she would look at Grace¡¯s father. She laughs and then says, ¡°I¡¯ll try to whip him into place for you, Jerrica.¡± Jerrica takes hold of Andrew''s hand and leads him out of the hospital. Andrew stares at her in amazement. A girl like her bewilders him. Andrew was at peace for a while. He wanted to believe that he could let his anger go. He wanted to believe he didn''t have to fight anymore. He believed he was going to be saved. But he felt like he didn''t deserve it. Andrew could never truly rest knowing that he''ll go on unpunished. He wanted to be punished. It''s the only thing that''ll make his life mean something. He only knows how to destroy. For once he wanted like to know how it feels to do something good, even if it cost him his life. It''s the only thing that could vindicate his soul. That''s what he ultimately decided when he continued to walk towards his death. It''s the only way he could forgive himself for all the things he caused. It was his way of apologizing to me. But Andrew lived. The hand that reached out to him was still there. He holds it tightly now knowing that this is the better choice. Jerrica is willing to disregard Andrew''s past. Andrew can let go. He doesn''t have to worry about it, about his ghosts. They haven''t been haunting him for a while now, but that''s only because he let them consume him. They were never truly gone. Andrew thinks they won''t ever leave, but they''re becoming easier to bear. There was only one future he always saw. Andrew doesn''t see that anymore. He doesn''t know what to expect anymore. But he''s excited. He doesn''t have to pretend he hates the world anymore. - "I''m going home now," Grace tells Sara and Andrew. Sara sits on the curve of the sidewalk while she watches Emily¡¯s dad drive her away. She¡¯ll never see Emily again. They will never talk again. Emily is leaving everything and everyone in this town behind. This is what Emily decided on. Sara thought she would be sadder about this, but strangely, she was not. They didn''t have much time to say goodbye. Emily was in a rush to leave. It''s been a long year. Sara doesn''t blame her after everything that has happened. Nothing could ever stay the same, but that''s okay. Sara is okay with not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Andrew sits next to her, ¡°You okay? Want a cigarette?¡± Sara shakes her head and hugs her knees. ¡°Back then, y¡¯know? If we never showed up. What would¡¯ve happened? Who did he want? Who''s Sessions?¡± ¡°Oh, just a girl who¡¯s just like you. She asked for my help to set her free just as you were set free. I just wanted to do one good thing in my life for once.¡± Sara plays around with a hole in her tights that sits above her knee. ¡°Is she free?¡± Andrew nods. Sara can¡¯t help to think about the girl who helped her, about Marina. She can¡¯t shake the feeling that they¡¯re the same girl. Marina said that she wanted to be free. Sara is only here now because of her and never got the chance to thank her. It was that act of kindness that changed everything. She hopes that this is how that kindness was repaid. Sara doesn¡¯t bring her name up but, ¡°Thank you for helping her.¡± Andrew half smiles and brings one of his knees to his chest. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I tried to die so you can be free too.¡± ¡°Apologize to me by growing old together with me. Onlythen I¡¯ll forgive you.¡± Sara and Andrew get home to find Virginia hard at work making dinner. Grace lays on the living room couch playing on her Nintendo DS. Andrew immediately sits on top of the dining table and gives life to the house just as he always does. Sara sits across from him on a chair and joy curls her lips up as she watches him smile and laugh. She never once thought a thing like this would be possible. At her worst, Sara was tormented by her father and burdened by the fear of losing her brother. There was a time, not even a year ago when she couldn¡¯t see a path forward. There wasn¡¯t a future she could see herself where she wasn¡¯t consumed by the darkness. Yet, here she is, out of it. By some miracle, everything worked out in the end. It wasn¡¯t easy. Sara doesn¡¯t even remember most of it. Even now, some days are easier than others. Even now there are days when everything is numb and no light shines. Sara knows the river she flows on won''t ever be a smooth ride. They''ll be bumps and edges, but the water isn''t deep enough to drown her anymore. On the fourth of July, she thought all of it was going to come crashing down. She believed that she was too happy for it not to go unpunished. She thought that the universe would always be against her. Sara saw the face of the man who was controlling all of their lives. She still can¡¯t forget the look he gave her, a look that told her that she would be the only one getting out alive. A look of someone getting their things back. Sara saw the plague that was killing them and saw him lose. Sara saw the rope that was tied around her brother¡¯s neck be set loose. Emily won''t ever return. Cody wasn''t there to see her off, no one knows where he''s been for the past few days. Chris, in his delusion that can he see the future, lost his sanity and got sent to a mental hospital. After everything Sara has gone through, she doesn''t feel bad that she''s the one who has a happy ending. It was her and her brother. It''s selfish she knows, but it''s hers. Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit. Sara looks over to Gracie who is deep into her game and not paying attention to Andrew''s and her mom¡¯s bickering. She was the only one who never got involved. Her innocence and heartbreak saved her from all of it. This entire time, she¡¯s the only one who¡¯s been spared from this town. Sara takes a deep breath. The thought of tomorrow brings her another smile. - Emily looks in the rearview mirror to see Jerrica. She¡¯s too busy watching a movie on her phone to pay attention. Ems''s eyes look over to her father. They¡¯re focused solely on the road. No music is playing. She looks forward and sees nothing but darkness and the five feet stretch of road that the headlights give. She wonders how her dad can drive this late at night. Emily can''t see a thing forward. Regardless, she feels safe. She''s always felt safe with her father and now this is the last time she''ll be with him. Emily wishes she would have appreciated her father when she had him. They had a long talk in the hospital. Her dad admitted that he should have been there more often. He regrets never setting any boundaries on what Emily was allowed to do. He always believed to be loose with rules. Emily''s mother has the complete opposite mindset. Her mother knew all along of the evil that looms over the town. It''s why she left. Emily''s mother had watched too many people become corrupted by it. Soran finally responds to the texts Emily sent hours before. It¡¯s been driving her crazy that he hadn''t. Emily told him everything that happened, including how she cheated when she kissed Cody. Emily wants to be open. She doesn''t want to hide anything. She made her bed. This is her responsibility. She has to face the repercussions. It takes her a solid ten minutes before she can muster the courage to turn her screen on and see what Soran wrote. ¡°It¡¯s okay. I''m not mad. I¡¯m just glad you¡¯re alive. I love you.¡± Emily grips her phone towards her chest. Her father notices the deep breath of relief that still hurts her to make. He smiles as he rubs her shoulder, assuring her she¡¯s okay. Everything before this moment begins to disappear. The only way to move forward is to leave everything behind. It¡¯s the only way she has found that¡¯ll convince her everything will be well again. It¡¯s the only thing she can control. The bullet wound begins to ache. It¡¯s been twice now the town has tried to kill her. It¡¯s twice now that it¡¯s been her fault. She spent all this time looking for someone to blame. Andrew, Cody, Chris, and even Sara. She wants to blame them all. Every single one of them did something that led her to situations that almost killed her. Yet, it was her panic attacks that caused the situation. She¡¯s the one who distracted Andrew from the road. She¡¯s the one who got in the way of Lyle shooting Cody. That¡¯s why she has to leave. Emily always thought she would get the fairy tale ending she was living in. She was content in having it handed to her. She was happy to settle. Even if it was for one last night, she wanted to experience what it felt like again. Emily now knows that it doesn¡¯t work like that. She has to reach, she has to work and try for the things she wants. There are still many things she has to work on herself. Emily is still selfish. She''s still greedy. Emily can work on all that. She felt so ugly for how she acted. She felt ugly for how she used people just to give her what she wanted. Emily can admit that. It¡¯s always been her. She''s part of the corruption she hates so much. The suffocation that Darkwood smoothers her lifts and she¡¯s able to breathe. She can start anew. - Cody sits at the base of where the new treehouse will be. This is where he''s been hiding. There is nothing in front of him. There¡¯s nothing to his side. There is nothing behind him. It¡¯s pitch black. The only light he can see is the faint stars up above. This is what he wanted all this time. Even so, it hurts him like a bitch. Cody''s been lost. He''s been searching for answers. It''s only gotten him more lost. He''s been trying to find himself. He isn''t sure if there is someone to find. He doesn''t know who he is anymore. Every single piece of who he is was placed there from pieces of others. He''s the culmination of the opinions of others that fed his starving ego. It was ugly. It was wrong. That part will forever be with him, but at least now he can change it to be something better. He thought that''s what he''s been doing the past year, but is proven to be fruitless. He thinks about what it means to forgive. He doesn''t even know where to begin or where to look. Cecilia spoke to him about it. Her words go through his head again. The moment they spent together felt like a fever dream. He wonders how she could suddenly forgive herself in the spur of the moment. He wonders why she forgave him. Everything in the past year has been Cody''s fault. It all started with him. How can a person let that go? How can a person not wear that crown? He thought if he let go of Emily it would vindicate him. He thought that was the only way he could forgive himself. It hasn''t worked. Not even when he burned his bandana a few nights ago. Nothing has worked and he doesn''t know what else to do. Cody looks at the sky and calls out my name. Elizabeth ¡°I hope you can forgive me,¡± he whispers. I reach out my hand to him. it phases right through him. I''m not real. I''m not alive anymore. I want to tell him that I do forgive him. I forgave him a long time ago. I want to tell him so much. I want to tell him I was just scared. I wrap myself around him and tell him it¡¯s okay. I tell him that everything is going to be alright. Some things were out of his control. Some things he couldn''t change. But it''s that past that he held on to, just like he''s been hanging on Emily. He thought if he let that go, he would be set free. But it wasn''t the past that had him chained. Cody can''t remember the last time he broke down crying this hard. He''s cried many times before, of course, but not how he used to as a kid. It''s like he''s ten again and the world is ending. Cody struggles to gasp for air. He wipes his mouth from getting too salty from his tears. There isn''t a future he sees where he knows that it''ll be okay, and that scares him. It scares him so much that all he wants is for time to stop so he doesn''t have to face it. It was better when Emily was that future. It was safe. He''s not tied to the past, not anymore. Cody is chained to the future. He doesn''t know how to find his true voice because of that chain. Cody''s tears stop and sits against the tree. "I think I get it now," he whispers to me. "You forgave yourself too, didn''t you?" Cody lifts his head towards the sky and opens his eyes, then he sees. "I think I can too," he smiles. - Marina Lightyears finishes signing the form that¡¯ll let her visit Chris. The receptionist tells her that he loves the color of her hair. Marina brings part of it in front of her eyes. There won¡¯t be a day when it¡¯ll be white ever again. She thinks the light blue fits her better. It pairs well with the light brown contacts she now wears. She flicks her fingers to say, ¡°Thanks,¡± even though the receptionist doesn¡¯t know what she¡¯s signing. The receptionist takes the clipboard and reads Marina¡¯s real name. She thinks, what a pretty name. They bring her to a room where Chris is at. It¡¯s filled with arts and crafts, drawings, and toys. There are other people like her, visiting the people admitted here. Chris is sitting alone, completely still, and unaware of everything going on around him. The two nurses tell him that Marina is here to visit and then leave the two alone. They whisper amongst themselves about how she would talk to him knowing that she¡¯s mute. They make fun of the green parka she''s wearing before they split up to attend to all the other patients. Marina sits in front of Chris. Just as they told her, Chris is completely unresponsive. None of this was supposed to happen. Marina never meant to put his friends in danger. In all of his genius, his only fault was that he didn¡¯t think about their safety at that moment. He was naive that the future is never set in stone. She wants to understand what happened. She¡¯s always known Chris lingered at the brink of insanity. He was never meant to lose his mind. All Marina wanted to do was to help him understand what he could do. She saw how brilliant he could become. She wanted to atone for all the evil she''d committed. She just wanted to help his friends. Now Chris is lost in his mind, afraid of truths he¡¯s uncovered. Marina can¡¯t find the words, after all, she isn''t used to it. ¡°I¡¯m-I¡¯m sorry,¡± she stutters, speaking for the first time in twenty years. She hates the sound of her voice. ¡°I never meant for this to happen to you.¡± She waits for a response and gets none. There¡¯s no life in Chris¡¯s eyes. Marina grabs hold of his hand and tries to enter inside but no one¡¯s home. There¡¯s no soul to use her power on. ¡°What were you trying to do? Why didn''t you tell me? ¡± her voice trembles. She wants to cry. ¡°What did you see?¡± Marina is incapable of crying tears. Her deformed eyes don''t allow it. The most she can experience is the desperate gasps for air. Because of how she looked, no one could love her. Marina was born an orphan, found crying outside a park with only a ring with a name engraved on placed on her chest. That was the name she was known as. She has only known love from Azul Amadeus. He gave her her first name and decided to use the name of her ring as her surname. He then erased any existence of her ever having that name. Marina still respects her father, even thought she can see the truth behind him clearly now. Even back then she was just a tool for him. That¡¯s all she¡¯s ever been. That¡¯s all she¡¯s ever known. And she was okay with it because that love was enough for her. It was foolish for her to ever think she could escape the chains that bind her. Even though Lyle is now behind bars, that doesn¡¯t stop his search for her. Her plan worked but it doesn''t mean she''ll ever be completely free. There are still people working for him looking for her. All she can do now is run and keep on running. The color of her skin, the round eyes of a cat, and the scars on her back will make it impossible for her to ever have a normal life. She doesn¡¯t even know what that means to begin with. Her existence defies the laws of nature. The scar on her forehead is that proof. Marina doesn''t know what it means to be a human. ¡°You must have had a good reason,¡± Marina sighs. ¡°Why did you?¡± Chris doesn¡¯t move. "What did you see?" The fingers wrapped around her palm tighten ever so subtly. Marina''s eyes jolt up and she allowed in. Marina gasps, "The twin flame," In a brief second she explores before being forced out, Marina catches a name. She¡¯s never met her but knows of her through all the memories she¡¯s navigated through. It was all of these stories that made her believe she was saving all his friends from Lyle¡¯s suffocating grasp. They made her believe she was making up for letting Lyle get his hands on me and all the other girls. But it was never about his or my friends. This entire time, this story was never about them. It was about Grace. - Sara opens Grace''s door too enthusiastically. She doesn¡¯t enter but hangs her upper body through the frame ¡°Got any plans this weekend?!¡± Grace jolts back, startled but giggles at how Sara is positioned through the door. She¡¯s still not used to how peppy Sara¡¯s been lately. ¡°No, what¡¯s up?¡± ¡°Mom¡¯s taking us to the aquarium and then lunch after.¡± ¡°Why ask? Doesn¡¯t seem like a choice.¡± ¡°No, I¡¯m talking about after. She¡¯s giving us the night, no curfew as long as we don¡¯t do any bad stuff. You need to be our witness.¡± Grace smiles, ¡°What do you have in mind?¡± Sara grins, ¡°Rollarscating!¡± "Sounds good," Grace raises her voice to speak over Andrew''s loud voice from the kitchen below. "Can you close the door? I''m finishing my summer homework." Sara Mera takes one more look at the girl she''s growing to see as a little sister. She sees a brightness in her she quite can''t place her finger on. It''s been getting brighter the more time passes. It reminds Sara of a similar light she felt before but can''t remember where. Grace sighs when her foster sister finally shuts the door. Grace puts down her pen and closes her journal. It took her all summer, but she finally got her writing assignment finished. There''s only one entry, but that''s all she needs. She marks the cover of the notebook with a giant X with a permanent marker. This isn¡¯t something she wants others to read, herself included. She unrolls the small baggie she¡¯s been playing with and wonders how much longer will it take for her to peak this time. She''s already starting to feel the effects of the MDMA. A light buzz in her head makes the lights a bit brighter and fuzzy like she has astigmatism. She took twice as much as the last few times she rolled. Her jaw has already become a bit stiff and can''t control the subtle and light shatter. Andrew is arguing with her mom downstairs. She never thought someone could be so loud. Andrew and her mom fight almost daily for the stupidest reasons. Tonight is because he just tossed his dirty laundry in front of the washer and left it there. She is still unsure how she feels that he''s living with her now. It¡¯s been a few months since he took her to her first rave. She wants to go again because she¡¯s never had that much fun before. Grace would ask him to take her again, but her mother has a strict curfew on him. To scratch her itch, she''s been listening and discovering the electronic music she enjoys. Once she learns how to drive, she thinks she knows of a way to go to raves by herself. It''s better if she doesn''t have to rely on being driven everyone if she''s right. Grace doesn''t want to feel helpless anymore. School is starting in a few weeks. She decided that this year she''d go after anything she would want. She''s been relying too much on Cody to make friends. She relies too much on Sara to teach her how to get better at makeup. She relies too much on Andrew to teach her how to not let everything bother her. Grace wants to do it all on her own. She doesn''t want to be that shy and scared little girl she dislikes. All that girl did was torment her. It was holding her back. Gracie lays down on her bed. As she does she feels every single fiber and thread of the bedsheet brush against her skin. The coolness of her pillow freshens her head when she lays in it. Grace stretches and feels like her entire body breathes and exhales independently from her lungs. When she rolls over a paw of fur brushes against her cheek. The teddy bear she¡¯s had since she was a toddler has never felt so soft. Grace hugs it and in return, she feels it hug back. This experience is much different than what she remembers. The energy isn¡¯t there. Instead, it just relaxes her. She melts into her bed. Grace stares at her gray curtains as she reflects on all the batshit crazy shit that has happened over the past year. In one year, so much has happened to her and the people around her. It doesn¡¯t feel real that in one year, she would make all these friends, become friends with the boy she loves, gain a sister, or even try the drugs she has. If she could talk to a younger version of herself, she wouldn''t believe it. The bullying stopped. It took a while, but she got friends her age. Her style improved and she finally got rid of those god-awful glasses. She has a few more months before the braces come off. She¡¯s no longer that sheltered child too scared to ever try new things. Grace is becoming everything she hoped to be when she first moved here. There are still lots she¡¯s unsure of. There are still plenty of things to be insecure about. She wants to get rid of them. She wants to be the girl who everyone wants to be friends with. To be cool. To be looked at. To be paid attention to. To be desired. - Gracie, my love, it¡¯s always been about you. The world has been speeding past you, unrelenting, without giving you a chance to breathe. All of it made you think that you were just this girl who happened to be a bystander in all of your friends¡¯ lives. It stops you from getting the confidence you deserve. It stops you from growing to be the person your soul desires to be. You were never allowed to become the woman you were always meant to be. And I was meant to guide you. You are what the Woman in White showed me when I met her. But I died in front of you instead. I¡¯m the one who forced you to walk this path you¡¯re on. I was angry that I wasn''t the person I thought I was. I was tired of pretending I was. I only cared about myself. I didn''t care who I ruined while I sought revenge on those who hurt me. I forced Sara to do things I knew she never had to. I fucked Andrew just because I knew he had feelings for me. I created a rift between Emily and Cody and made it look bigger than it was. In my conversation with Chris, I made him believe he was crazy. I hurt them all. In my desperation to fix everything I ruined, I was deluded that if I could try the drug one more time, I could understand how. And it led me down a path which I could never recover from. Through all of it, I was almost saved, Gracie. In my downward spiral of losing my sanity, it wasn''t all bad. I discovered and accepted parts of myself that I hid away for everyone''s idea of me to be perfectly spotless. I broke away from the mask I wore and found the girl I actually was. I became close with one of my friends and she loved me despite the rumination of a girl I became. She was almost enough. Like how you were almost enough. When I saw you that night, I remembered that I was supposed to protect you. And here''s the tragedy, almost was not what we both needed. I ran away because I wanted to spare you. You weren''t supposed to follow me. I''m sorry. Gracie, you have such a big heart to share. You believe you''re not as important as you are. You''ve lived a hard life. You''re confused. You''re naive. You''re impressionable. You''re scared. You''re alone. But, Grace, you''re also kind. You''re smart. You are funny. You''re already gorgeous. You have interesting hobbies. You''re one of a kind. You''re already loved. Now I''m forced to watch you become the woman you think you want to be. Hate is such an ugly emotion. I know that''s how you feel about yourself right now, but it doesn''t compare to how I felt about myself. I don''t want you to discover that ugliness. I at least have comfort knowing that you aren''t me. Sometimes I felt like I had been waiting for you all my life, but I can''t be there for you anymore. Even if I''m not there to hold your hand, may you never stop loving so deeply. Because that''s your gift. And I refuse to rest until you find it. That''s how much I love you. - I walk over to her journal and open it. I don¡¯t know what to write. Fuck. I tried to piece together the puzzle of Elizabeth''s death. I wanted to know why someone so bright like her could do it. Everything I learned was vague and small. But I learned enough and was satisfied with what I pieced together. And like everyone else, I started to forget about Elizabeth. I stopped having my nightmares. I stopped blaming her. Then a few weeks ago, Emily tells me something new. She tells me something that changes the puzzle. She tells me that Elizabeth killed someone. She tells me that it''s what broke her. What could she have gone through to do something like that? Why would she do it? Emily said that someone made her do it. She says it''s the guy who tried to kill them all. It''s all just so fucked. Emily''s gone now. She wants nothing to do with this town anymore, and that includes us. Chris also went crazy. Cody says that it''s all over, that we all have a fresh start now. I guess that''s true. Sara''s certainly acts like it. I think I''ll never get used to Andrew living with us. Now that he is, Mom pays even less attention to me. I guess that''s just how it is. It''s always been like that. Everyone does it. Everything just happens. It builds and falls apart. It moves past me like I don''t exist. I''m not a part of it. I''m left out. I just want someone to give a shit but everyone is wrapped in their own crap. I feel that I don''t matter. It''s like no one sees me. I''ll make them see me. Shit. I think the molly I took is finally hitting. But I''m still alone. I¡¯m crying. And I¡¯m gone. Long Gone Epilogue. Grace VII: You want everyone to love you Grace VII May, 2016 All eyes are on me. How could they not? I can feel their intent. It''s desire, lust, envy, or nervousness. It''s something I was taught how to do. It helps me differentiate the people who are genuine. Tonight is no different. I¡±m last to enter this house party out of my group of friends. It''s in another town so I don''t know many of the guests, but they all know me. I greet the people I do know and get introduced to those I don''t. I don''t have to read their minds to know what they want, their actions give it away. The girls want to get on my good side, the boys are trying to flirt with me. A girl tells me she works at a shop in the Westfield shopping center and can get me really good discounts. A guy tries to be different and acts like he''s not interested in me but continues to try and talk to me. Parties like these are more tame than I''m used to. Back home, they''re just as wild as they always have been. Darkwood hasn''t changed. I don''t think it ever can. We''re only out of town to see how the others are. So far, I''m not impressed. Things become stale quickly. I''m lucky to have Liz as she pulls me away. We head to the bathroom together. "I almost want to go home," she complains as I shut the door behind us. "They don''t have shit here, they''re so fillet. It''s so feta." "Can you blame them? My offer still stands if you want to join me later. Can''t be worse than this," I say while I wait for her to take the bag out of her bra. "I would if I didn''t have to go with my parents to their stupid company retreat. Like, why would they even want me there?" Liz dumps a bit of the powder on the countertop. She splits it in half and into two lines. "Fucking assholes," she snorts one with her metal snuff tube then hands it to me. I hold my hair back as I do mine. "At least you''re not stuck in Ohio like Tina." Liz laughs, putting everything away. "No, I am not." I wipe what remains with my finger and rub it on my gums. "Baste?" Liz takes a second to use the vanity mirror, "Yeah, I''m ready." I let Liz take the lead. When she turns to join the rest of the crowd, I only spot one person looking at me. It''s Alex. I didn''t expect him to show up. I thought he stopped doing these sorts of things. I expected a drink in his hand even less. "Have you been following me?" I joke, maybe even flirt. "Wouldn''t be the first time," he flirts back. I think. "Want some?" I take the cup from his hand and drink it without my eyes leaving his. "What''s the occasion?" He shrugs, "Might as well have some fun before the year ends." Alex Elledge is on everyone''s wishlist. There isn''t anyone hotter. And no one has ever been able to call him their boyfriend. I''m one of the lucky few to ever get a kiss from him. If life was cliche, we would be the power couple in our high school. It''s what everyone expected. He likes me. I like him too. We''ve been flirting on and off for the better part of three years. There isn''t a reason why we shouldn''t be together. But Sara is dating his sister and that makes it weird. But that''s not what is stopping me. It''s Alex who doesn''t want to. "Glad you came. I was just starting to get bored." "You don''t have to lie to me," Alex chuckles, taking a drink. If I knew Alex was coming I would have adjusted my schedule a bit. I don''t get to spend as much time with him as I would like. Two hours after I arrived, I leave the party to go to the real event. I probably would have had more fun if I drank, but I need to drive. The time for degeneracy comes later. - I start my mom''s car and drive all the way to downtown Seattle. I text Yuele the second I park in front of his apartment building. While I wait for him, I take a dip of my molly. It''ll start to kick in just as we arrive if I take it now. This way I don¡¯t waste time. Yuele grins and runs up to my car the second his building doors slide open. "I''ve been waiting for this all day. You won''t believe the day I just had." "What else is new?" Yuele is my rave buddy. We always go to shows together. Tonight is no different. Most of the time we go to legal venues but not today. Tonight we''re going to the underground where the party doesn''t stop until the sun rises. These aren''t common and hard to find but nothing else comes close to being as fun. Yuele and I have different tastes in genres when it comes to EDM. I slowly started to like what he does more, but there was one genre I liked from the start. Nothing gets me going like the fast and repetitive beat of Techno. There''s no build-up, no drops, no breaks. It''s the purest form of dance. The rave is a bit south past the industrial district behind some woodshop building. The venue itself is small but size never makes a difference. It''s the music and vibes that drives the energy. I take another dip from my baggie before leaving the car. Yuele bites down a pill of ecstasy and swallows half of it. "Think they''ll have water inside?" "The site said BYOB so I think we can just bring our own." Yuele washes the bitter taste of a pill with my day-old one-liter water bottle. I take another dip for good measure. This time I take a bit too much and have to wash it down. Just like I predicted, the effects of the first one are starting to arrive. Yuele waits on the sidewalk as I change outfit from out of the trunk. Black boots, black cargo pants, a black tank top, and sunglasses on top of my head are a more appropriate attire for these kinds of things. "Could you be more cliche?" Yuele mocks. "Like you''re any better." "Except this is how I always dress." I look at Yuele up and down. Yuele opens up his jacket and spins around to give me a show. He always wears the coolest of clothes so I wouldn''t say he always dresses the same. Yuele just prefers black and white more than any other. The only thing that doesn''t change is the black logoless baseball cap he always has on. "You''re the first result when someone looks up ''E-boy''," I mock him. "Aw, thanks." "Wasn''t a compliment, you''re feta," I add on to it. "Thought I told you I don''t know what that means. You can''t just make up words," Yuele laughs. "You''re not going to convince me to start using it." "Whatever, let''s go," I stretch and begin walking towards the rave. The building is crowded, yes, but not to the point where there''s no room to dance. I find a spot in the front corner near the DJ while Yuele finds where to refill the water bottle. By the time he joins me, the music has already overtaken me. It''s fast, energetic and hard. Combined with the effects of MDMA, I get lost in my own little world. There''s no drama to gossip, there''s no problem to worry about, there''s no place to be and nothing to do. Nothing outside this building matters anymore and it''s just me and the rhythm. I lose track of time. I''m in a trance where I don''t have to be me anymore. What feels like five minutes could be twenty or it could be one. It doesn''t matter if it feels like my body has been moving non-stop for hours because it doesn''t get tired. It moves more machine than flesh and the only thing I have to do to keep it running is to fuel it with water. At some point my body becomes weightless and it wants to float away. I peak. Yuele and I take a dip from my bag sometime later so we don''t lose that feeling any time soon. I take a break to go pee but there''s a line. I talk to the girl in front of me just to pass the time. By the time she enters a stall, we''ve already followed each other on our socials. I use my nail to take a bump once I''m alone to do my business. Then the night continues. Then it ends when the day begins. - I change into my third outfit in Yuele''s room but don''t stick around longer than that. I''m at Darkwood''s Diner by 8 AM. I join my friends for breakfast as planned. But I''m tired. I haven''t slept and I''m coming down. It''s hard to pay attention to their conversations or care. It sort of just becomes background noise. No one even notices as I excel at running on auto-pilot. I take Adderall just to keep me awake. I get home at 10, right before my mom wakes up to get ready for work. The house feels empty now. It''s quiet. It''s exactly how it was when we first moved here. That''ll change when Sara comes home for the summer. At least it won''t ever be as loud as when Andrew lived with us. I shut myself in my room and spend the rest of my free time replying to the dozens of messages I haven''t yet. I¡¯m out of the house by noon. - ¡°You¡¯re a lifesaver, Grace,¡± Aylin sighs the second she opens her front door. She moves out of the way so I can enter her home. ¡°I¡¯m not late am I?¡± ¡°No, no. You¡¯re right on time,¡± she rushes to the kitchen to go back to what she was doing. ¡°Helen, Grace is here!¡± ¡°Okay!¡± I hear a muffled voice through the ceiling. ¡°I got her a phone for her birthday and now there isn¡¯t a thing that¡¯ll separate her from it. Can I make you some coffee?¡± ¡°Yes, please. And she¡¯s nine, why would you do that?¡± This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. ¡°Ugh, she held up her end of the bargain.¡± ¡°Never should have made it in the first place.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t expect her to accomplish it,¡± Aylin giggles, ¡°Goes to show that my little girl is full of surprises.¡± ¡°Mothers and daughters,¡± ¡°Fathers and daughters. Or mothers and sons.¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I laugh. ¡°The worst is fathers and sons.¡± ¡°Oh God, yeah, that¡¯s the worst.¡± ¡°At least I¡¯m no one¡¯s son.¡± ¡°Oh yeah, I¡¯ll definitely be the type to turn into a fascist instead of another woman with no self-esteem,¡± We laugh in unison. Aylin hands me a fresh cup of creamed coffee and I finish it faster than I probably should have. I check on the time and see how many notifications I received in the short time I haven''t looked at. It¡¯s not like any of them are urgent so they continued to stay unopened. Aylin grabs onto her accessories while beginning to get ready for work. I pour myself another cup in the meantime. ¡°Call if you need anything,¡± she hands me a $50. ¡°I should be back by 10:30 so that¡¯ll be enough for lunch and dinner, I hope.¡± ¡°Have a good day.¡± ¡°Thanks, you too.¡± I finish my coffee, hop out of the chair, and head over to Helen¡¯s room. I knock and get the go-ahead to come in. As expected, Helen¡¯s on her belly in her bed watching a video on her phone. ¡°Want to do anything today or are you fine?¡± Helen sits up and puts her phone down, ¡°Can you teach me how to do make-up?¡± ¡°Hmm, I think you¡¯re three years early for that. What about something else?¡± ¡°My mom bought me new clothes, show me what goes with what. All the girls in class are so jealous of the outfits you already picked out.¡± ¡°Sure thing, bring me what you got.¡± I¡¯m putting outfits together for my little buddy but my mind is elsewhere. Becoming Helen¡¯s babysitter was the last thing I ever expected when I met her mother. It¡¯s funny how the world works as Aylin turns out to be Felix¡¯s sister. I guess it is a small town so what could I expect? Felix is kind of a jerk for being forced to move away for work. I haven¡¯t seen him in three years and he doesn¡¯t have time to ever play League anymore. And now I¡¯m babysitting where it should be his job. I order pizza for us and when it arrives, Aylin¡¯s mail had just been dropped. I bring it inside as one of my many responsibilities and toss it on the living room table. Curiosity is hard to ignore so I take a peak on what subject the single envelope could be about. The electricity bill was addressed to one, ¡®Graceful Farrigan¡¯. Her legal first name was how we first bonded, after all. It¡¯s almost been three years since we met. ¡°Are you not hungry?¡± Helen asks me when she notices I¡¯ve been watching her eat. I shake my head, ¡°Not really. I ate before I got here,¡± I lie. I think it¡¯s been exactly 24 hours since I had any food in my system. I take two slices remembering that I should probably eat because I won''t be able to for a while. ¡°It¡¯s not good to lie.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to be hungry to eat,¡± I take a third slice, for good measure. ¡°Semantics.¡± ¡°And how do you know what that means?¡± ¡°I know a lot of words.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not going to become a smartass on me will you?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, how much will you give me if I don¡¯t?¡± ¡°Are you bribing me?¡± I giggle, ¡°Am I seriously getting bribed by a nine-year-old?¡± Helen¡¯s a cute kid despite having the name of a grown-ass woman already. I would like to call her anything else but she doesn¡¯t do nicknames. She says nicknames are for the indecisive. It¡¯s been a pleasure watching this girl grow up to be so sassy. As much as I enjoy babysitting, I can¡¯t stick around when Aylin comes back home. The night is still young and I¡¯m expected. I¡¯m able to leave an hour before midnight just as I thought. The real issue is being able to get anywhere. My mom won¡¯t be home for another hour or two so borrowing her car isn¡¯t an option. It¡¯s not ideal, but I have to use old tricks. Sara and Andrew used to live on the south side of town. That house is now long abandoned. The one across theirs isn¡¯t but the owners are never home. They keep the keys of their old Toyota under the tire frame. This is how Andrew used to drive around, this is how I do too if I have no other option. It¡¯s less than ideal, actually. I prefer not to be seen driving the thing, but I can¡¯t rely on others for a ride. There¡¯s a jazz bar in Seattle that¡¯s open until 2 AM on Saturdays. I''m here almost every Saturday night because I like it there. I get a bit over two hours to hang out tonight. The bouncer looks me up and down after glancing at my Fake ID. There¡¯s a double look. The trick for always having one work is having a lack of caring. It¡¯s the right amount of confidence without it being overcompensating. Also getting one as as real as possible helps. Like always, I¡¯m let right in. I immediately go to the bar and the bartender smiles at my arrival. ¡°Didn¡¯t think you were going to show up Grace,¡± ¡°I don¡¯t flake.¡± ¡°Need anything? On the house.¡± ¡°Something with an energy drink. Been busy tonight?¡± She shakes her head, ¡°Wish it was, really could use it.¡± The bartender hands me the drink and I slam it down just as fast. ¡°Maybe it¡¯s time you switch to working the back.¡± ¡°I prefer being able to get tips, thanks,¡± she laughs. ¡°Manny¡¯s here today so he¡¯ll get you in.¡± ¡°Perfect, thanks.¡± In the back of the Jazz bar, there¡¯s a staircase that leads to the basement. Manny guards the door, and Manny knows me. Manny lets me in. Downstairs is where most people wish they could enter. It¡¯s a secret hang-out spot for people with too much money to waste and just so happens to like jazz and art and other boujee stuff like that. The real difference between upstairs and downstairs is that down here, no one is too pretentious to not let loose. The basement is full of thick cigar smoke. Laughter and cursing happen over the ongoing gambling games around. People are doing lines out in the open on the tables. In the back, there¡¯s a small stage that is often used for music. Tonight, there¡¯s a pole and an exotic dancer. I sit down on one of the few empty tables to observe an ongoing game of Poker nearby. I take out my coke back to prep some lines and as I do the Adderall I took before coming here kicks in, or was it the drink? I don¡¯t know which. It doesn¡¯t matter. A nice and thin but long line gives me the boost to not want to pass out. The owner of the building walks over to my table when he notices I arrived. ¡°Mind if I do one?¡± ¡°No, go ahead.¡± Omar helps himself and takes a seat in front of me. ¡°You didn¡¯t tell me you were coming. The game already started for tonight, Grace. I can''t let you join.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not here to gamble or buy anything,¡± I chuckle. ¡°Then why are you?¡± ¡°Just am.¡± Omar sits with me until it''s time for the building to close. We bond over watching the poker game finish and make bets on who we think will pass through to the next round of the tournament. We indulge ourselves in getting a clogged nose in the morning. We played a couple games of blackjack without any money involved. Omar wanted to see for himself if I¡¯m as good as everyone says I am. I could be even better, but I rather not have anyone know that I¡¯m counting cards. I think Omar starts to notice, but lets it slide. I think he lets it because he''s never met anyone like me and wants to find out more about me. After all, I''m the only one he personally invited to join his little club. - Around 3 AM I make it back to Darkwood. My friend Maddie welcomes me with a hug and I follow her down to her basement. One of the guys is having his first trip on acid so my friends are watching over him. They¡¯re all together on the couch watching a movie together. The basement is dimly lit in a blue light. The LED light strips on the back of the TV are constantly changing to match the scene of the movie and makes it much more immersive. It¡¯s a comfortable mood and put a reminder in my notes to come here next time I do a trip. They''re watching Alice in Wonderland. It''s a stereotypical movie to watch while tripping, but it''s a good time nonetheless. Everyone else has been drinking and smoking weed which oddly enough makes me the most sober one here. I sit in front of the couch and make myself comfortable. ¡°We¡¯re still going to that teriyaki place tomorrow, right?¡± Maddie asks to confirm. ¡°Yeah, of course, what time are you thinking?¡± ¡°Hmm, we¡¯re probably going to crash around 6, so maybe 1 or 2? Want to go shopping after?¡± ¡°Sounds good, but I have somewhere to be around 6 or so.¡± ¡°Oh, where you headed?¡± ¡°A friend. I¡¯m going to a soccer game with them.¡± ¡°Ew, soccer?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not afraid to try new things.¡± ¡°When does it end? You remember we¡¯re all going to the campsite tomorrow night, yeah?¡± ¡°No, I remember. I¡¯ll be there. It''ll be feta without me.¡± - It¡¯s 8 am and I find myself on top of the hill in the middle of town. It¡¯s early enough that no one awake is out and about just yet. It¡¯s quiet here. I can do more coke and pop more pills to stay awake here. But it¡¯s no use. The second I sit on the bench and close my eyes they become ironshut doors. It doesn¡¯t even feel like I¡¯m sleeping. It feels like I¡¯m just dreaming while still awake. My ears are ringing. My eyes are burning. My head is being crushed inward. I¡¯m able to enjoy resting for half an hour. While I walk back home phantom conversations inside of my head start talking to each other as if they¡¯re happening right next to me. They¡¯re incomprehensible and formless. Just a bunch of sentences and words from past conversations I had or heard that don¡¯t flow together. In my peripherals, I see things that aren¡¯t really there. Shadows take on figures to look human. A shovel against a wall can look like it¡¯s a person who¡¯s leaning. Two headlights of a car approach me down the street and when it passes, I realize it was just a motorcycle. This isn''t the first time this happened. I need to fall asleep, I''m starting to hallucinate because I haven''t again. I get home and Mom isn¡¯t yet. She¡¯s pulling another shift and likely won¡¯t finish for another few hours. I have to find something to do until Maddie wakes up and fulfills our itinerary. I go to Andrew¡¯s old room. He always kept it barren, like he expected not to be here long. I guess he made the right call. It¡¯s even more empty now. Sara¡¯s room has been left untouched. It¡¯s still hers. It¡¯s still as dark and moody as ever. I take off all my clothes and lay on my bed for a quick rest. I pop another pill of Adderall so I don''t fall asleep and sleep through the entire day. I stare at the ceiling until it kicks in. I pick out the two outfits I''ll wear today. I don¡¯t have to give much thought to the day as I¡¯ll be with Maddie and then Yuele right after. It¡¯s later in the night when I have to worry about it. Alex might be at the campsite and I can¡¯t be looking any less than my best. But it''s not like I''ll get anywhere with him. Alex likes to flirt but never commits. I''m not expecting much tonight either, but there is always hope. It''s not an if, it''s a when. For the first time in two days, I look in the vanity mirror. My eyes are red, nothing a few eyedrops can¡¯t fix after taking off my contacts for while. My hair is still perfect, smooth, and silky like I just got it done, and definitely not like it hasn¡¯t been washed in two days. My skin is clear, my teeth are white, and my body odor is still nonexistent. The bags under my eyes are my only blemish but not bad enough that I''m unable to hide them by covering them up a bit more. I should shower. I haven''t since Friday morning. I don¡¯t. I at least put on different underwear. Sara liked to do this thing for the first year she lived with me. She would undress herself and just stare at herself in the mirror for a long time. I do the same because I always wondered why she did it and now seems like more good time than any. I¡¯ve grown taller, much taller. I¡¯m the the sweet spot between being skinny and having fat where it matters. When I first moved here, I was flat as a board. Now my breasts are perky and big enough to always be a slight inconvenience. I still have to work on my ass, but Rome wasn¡¯t built in a day. The hair on my legs is starting to grow back again, but that¡¯s okay, no one will ever see them anytime soon. Sara has a tattoo on her upper right chest, I feel like I need to have something small like that too. I just haven¡¯t found what I want to put on my body yet. I make a mental note to get one sometime soon. My lips are a bit chapped, but I fix that right away. I blow on several tissues to unclog my nostril and it doesn''t clear until I blow out a bit of blood. I extend my arms upwards to do a big stretch and flop the back to my sides after. This time I take a better look at myself in the mirror. My name is Grace Ciotta. I¡¯m seventeen years old, turning 18 in less than a month. I¡¯m three weeks away from graduation and can''t wait to get over it already. At the beginning of Junior Year, people decided that I was going to be the queen of Mickle Ray High School, my school. I¡¯m the most popular girl there, and the most popular girl in town. People seem to know who I am outside of it. Everyone wants me to hang out with them. A lot of people want to be my friend. I know a lot of people in a lot of places. There isn¡¯t a day where I¡¯m not doing something. There isn''t a day where I''m not expected somewhere. I am expected to act a certain way. It''s not an act for me, but it is draining to give everyone that energy all the time. They act like I¡¯m someone to follow, someone whose word has a say and is the go-to for what''s in. I¡¯m cool, hot, popular, a bit mysterious, and most importantly of all, fun. I draw people in. There isn¡¯t a day where my name isn¡¯t mentioned out from someone I don''t know''s mouth. There isn¡¯t a day where a girl isn¡¯t envious of me. There isn¡¯t a day where I¡¯m not hit on. When I walk into a room, I''m the center of attention at that moment. If they''re friends with me, then that means they''re likable and seen as important. Everyone wants to be my friend. Everyone wants my attention. Everyone wants my validation. They all see me. I got what I wanted. I said all the right things. I made all the right choices. I made the right friends. My kindness is genuine. I''m the golden beacon that shines through the darkness of the cursed town of Darkwood, Washington. Incorruptable. I''m the Golden Girl. And I couldn¡¯t hate it more.