《Danae's Story》


 The beginning

    Translation from greek to english: georgiaath


    Illustration:Ertion Selimi</a>


    I wake up. I look next to me, there¡¯s nobody. A light in the horizon shows me that the sun is getting up. The clock on the nightstand says it¡¯s six-thirty. It''s a day like all the rest¡­ But a difficult day, like many others.


    My body is not keen on getting up. My brain is numb, I can hardly think, or give my body the signal to get up. My medication is blurring my mornings. I feel heavy and not willing to do anything. I close my eyes for a couple of minutes, hoping that I will get a hold of myself, but I know that nothing will change. It is my first week being like this and my doctor told me that I need at least three more weeks to get used to it. This disease is like your unexpected visitors; you never know how long they are staying for and if you may have to have them at your place for some time¡­ And for how much time? I wonder and I get sad.


    I didn¡¯t choose it. It found me. It came slowly, sneaky and there was no warning. I was fine, but I didn¡¯t know it then. And suddenly, everything fell on me. A dysthymia at first, a state of ¡°I don¡¯t have the energy today¡± later and then I had anxiety, panic attacks, bad moods and a feeling that was heavy on my throat. It¡¯s nothing, you will feel better, one would say. At your age I had three times your problems and I was doing fine, is what other people would say. Everyone knows better ¨C at least that¡¯s what they say ¨C but nobody is in my body to understand what I feel, what I think¡­ what I am going through.


    ¡°A special doctor? Why visit one of those?¡±, said my mother when I told her my decision.


    ¡°But our family has provided too much care¡­ we have given you everything and you want to go to a shrink?¡±


    So many stereotypes that are still present among older people.


    ¡°He is a doctor, mom¡­ and he is called psychiatrist, not ¡°shrink¡±. And I will visit him to see if there¡¯s anything wrong whether you like it or not¡±, I answer with as much persuasion as possible.


    Silence.


    I like silence. It calms my brain.


    It¡¯s been two minutes and I feel slightly better. One more try to give the signal. It¡¯s pointless¡­ I grab the phone that is next to me and I send a message to work letting them know that I won¡¯t be able to go in today either. It¡¯s the third day today that I will not go to work. A job that does not satisfy me anymore. It is pointless too¡­


    The sun has appeared and it blinds me. I turn to the other side and fall asleep. I may wake up and get up in the afternoon. Maybe everything will be fine when I wake up. Tomorrow I will go to work, I promise to myself. And my day will be full, I add to this important promise for me. But until then, I¡¯ll sleep¡­


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    *


    I have distanced myself from everyone and everything. I took the leave I was entitled to at work, but the phone has not stopped ringing. Friends and colleagues all want to ask what happened, each for their own reason. Some of them do actually care, others just want something to gossip about and the rest of them are just doing the social duty. Like I will remember tomorrow who cared about my absence.


    It¡¯s the second week and I feel better. I do not have any illusions. I know though that it is just a small, pleasant flash; a combination of the basic pill and the tranquilizing one. I have not regained my powers fully yet, but sleeping has become easier. I sit at the yard of my house having a coffee and two rusks with honey for breakfast. Don¡¯t drink too much coffee, it will cause you anxiety, my doctor advised me. Me¡­ that consider coffee the big bang of my universe. Furthermore, you should not drink any alcohol for some time, until you get balanced, and then you may have a couple of beers per week. Okay, I did not care much about that. I am past the age when we would compete with our friends about who could drink more. Unforgettable times¡­


    ¡°How are you my child today?¡± my mom asks and through her voice I can sense fear, grievance and love all together.


    ¡°Better¡±, I tell her. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, everything¡¯s fine.¡±


    ¡°Do you want to go for a walk in the town today?¡±, she asks me with a sigh of relief.


    Wrong move, but I know she wants me to get better; she is my mom after all. My heart starts beating faster even at the thought of being somewhere with a lot of people and slightly away from home. People¡­ No, I do not want that. I want to stay here, along with the silence and the sun¡¯s warmth.


    My mom is still waiting for an answer, and I have to tell her something that will not upset her.


    ¡°Not today¡±, I answer. ¡°But maybe tomorrow, we can have a coffee together somewhere quiet.¡±


    My mom smiles, like she can do anything else anyway.


    Don¡¯t stay idle, do stuff¡­ anything that pleases you, the doctor insists on this part, even if I complain about not having any hobbies and my job being the only thing that gave me some pleasure. Work is work and pleasure is pleasure, he says. There must be something you can do to kill some time. Get a book. I laugh since I never liked reading. See your friends and have some fun; that¡¯s his last try to move me. Find someone to share your life. Maybe not right now, but in some time when you will feel better. I explain to him that it¡¯s been a while since I have forgotten all about the sport of flirting and we laugh when we talk about the joke about cycling.


    I laugh by myself thinking about yesterday¡¯s session while I am looking at my mom¡¯s garden. The weather has been nice this year and everything has bloomed. I eat my second rusk and I find myself getting lost in thoughts again. Do something, my doctor is saying in my mind and I take a decision. To get up and walk in the garden. There, where I used to dig and help my parents when I was younger to plant the oak tree, the jasmine¡­ There, where I used to run and get dirty due to the rain and the mud, while my mom would shout at me to get in the house because I would get cold.


    I go to the storage room and I get a hat and a pair of gloves. Next to the garden, my mom has brought some tomato and herb roots. I get the shovel and I begin. Is there anything better than working on the land? It always appreciates your effort and bears fruit. And the fruit nurtures your family¡­ is there a fairest job?


    *


    A month¡¯s gone by. I¡¯m not feeling perfect, but I am going towards that direction.


    I can finally wake up normally.


    I can see people even though I still have some difficulty with that.


    I can finally tell you my name.


    My name is Danae and I am twenty-six years old. You may not know me, but I exist amongst you, among many people who have been through some kind of mental health issue. I am not the only one and we are definitely more than you can imagine. We live with you, free of taboos and fears. We fight daily with a monster inside our head, which we have tamed for now. Do not be scared of us, we are not dangerous. And do not keep distances, it is not good for either of us. Listen to us free of judgment and stereotypes. We definitely have something to tell you and there is definitely something for you to learn.


    I have returned to my job but without giving it my 100 percent. I have started to understand the situations that brought me to this point. Can I change them? No, but I can learn to handle them differently. Will I let myself get back to that point? No, I will fight for me and for what I love. My friends, my sisters and brothers that I chose are here and they support me in this. My family is present to whatever is happening and I am one of the many people who have gone through a different path. Was this all my fault? Maybe¡­ I let it happen, but it won¡¯t happen again. Having this in mind, I move on. Whatever will be, will be.

 Chapter 1

    Translation from greek to english: georgiaath


    Illustration: Ertion Selimi


    A year later


    ¡°Let¡¯s take a photo sweety! People will go crazy and the reactions will be countless!¡±


    ¡°Ntina, come on now¡­ Don¡¯t waste your enthusiasm, you¡¯ll need it tomorrow for Nick¡¯s birthday. Today we just went out for a coffee, to see you a bit and to learn all about this new guy; what¡¯s his name again?¡±


    ¡°Danae, my dear, he may be the one and only and you don¡¯t even remember him? You will meet him tomorrow once and for all! I don¡¯t want to bother you with the details!¡±


    What should I tell her? That I¡¯m tired of all this? That everyone she talks about is the one and only? That I have my own problems? I laugh and I tell her that I can¡¯t wait to meet him.


    While leaving, I realize that Ntina is doing nothing wrong. There are many ¡°one and only¡± out there and you just have to find yours. Ntina turned thirty two months ago, she has a stable job as a realtor and she now wants to find her partner for life. To be more accurate, this is her only plan. She is on a ¡°schedule¡±, as she says. I give ten days to each guy¡­ If they can manage to impress me, we continue seeing each other, but if not, he has to go back to his mother! I do not pay much attention to her words. I know she does not mean all that ¨C at least not 100 percent. She is a very emotional person, who has gone through a lot and has many defenses. Like all of us after all.


    Me? I am fine¡­ and I mean it. I left my previous job since it did not fulfill me anymore, even though they offered me a promotion and more money and a position that only a few people at the age of twenty seven had achieved. It¡¯s been two months since I am not doing anything and the reason for that is that when I finished my studies at the age of twenty two, I immediately got a job. I have been in front of a computer since then, having countless meetings with my supervisors to get things in order.


    My condition? I feel a lot better. My doctor helps me a lot and I have improved significantly the way I think. But there¡¯s still a long way ahead. Neither of us can be certain about whether or not we can mend the wound, or if it may actually get bigger if it gets triggered. For now though, life does not wait; it keeps on moving. And that¡¯s what I also do.


    I¡¯m here¡­ I¡¯m a little late but the traffic was crazy, I tell myself and I ring the bell. I hear happy barks from the inside and heavy steps. It¡¯s times like this that I feel bad for the people who live in the apartment downstairs.


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    ¡°Danae, you are late and the food is ready.¡±


    ¡°Hi, dad. Is it what I think it is? Pizza for today again?¡±, I tell him while laughing.


    He laughs too while his dog, Max welcomes me with his tail that looks like a feather duster. My dad is a writer and has his own hideaway. A small apartment in an area that¡¯s ten minutes away from the city and our home. During periods like this one, he gets out of the house in the morning and devotes himself to his books and his studies until late in the evening, when my mom is waiting for him for their standard dinner.


    ¡°Don¡¯t tell your mother¡­ she will whine again! It will be our secret.¡±


    I laugh, since this has always been my dad¡¯s characteristic line. We share many secrets, but never for too long. My mom always understands what¡¯s going on and confronts us about it.


    I like dad¡¯s apartment¡­ it is a small one-bedroom apartment filled with books and notes. He has even gotten a small bed for naps in the afternoon, but it is usually occupied by Max. While talking, I tell my dad about my decision.


    ¡°I don¡¯t mind. I think it¡¯s very important to give back to people. As long as it does not affect you and your condition. Do you know what I mean?¡±


    ¡°Yes dad, I understand. I talked about it with my doctor and he thinks that it will offer me knowledge, creative occupations and the chance to meet new people.¡±


    ¡°So now you just have to tell your mom.¡±


    ¡°She won¡¯t be happy about it¡­ What should I tell her? That I am going away to study psychology in order to voluntarily help other people in the future?¡±


    ¡°Yes, something like that, my love¡­¡±, my dad replies.


    I am going home. I took this decision three months ago, when I told my doctor that I did not like my job anymore and that I wanted to do something different. Something that had meaning and not numbers and machines.


    ¡°You are still young. Why don¡¯t you study something different?¡±, he asked.


    ¡°Like what? I liked psychology when I was younger, but I chose the field of business administration.¡±


    ¡°Psychology is an important field. Sometimes it¡¯s even more important than the field of psychiatry. You should know that these two fields work hand in hand sometimes in order to help a patient get back on their feet.¡±


    ¡°I thought they were competitor¡­.¡±, I said, having in mind things I heard in the past.


    ¡°Some people believe that they are and they support this idea. I am not one of them. I would gladly collaborate with a psychologist in order to help a patient of mine. You could be that!¡±, he says while smiling.


    The phone rings, it¡¯s Ntina.


    ¡°Hey, my dear! I called to tell you that I kicked this guy out too¡­ He didn¡¯t want to come to the party tomorrow, can you believe it? I want my man to be social and up for anything. He said it was too early¡­ Ah, what did I get into? Completely absurd! So, I have to hang up now¡­ I need to find out my makeup and outfit for tomorrow! Nick knows many people¡­. You never know. And I¡¯m not talking just about me! Bye!¡±, she hangs up and I laugh uncontrollably.


    Ah Ntina¡­ I¡¯ll miss you!

 [Danaes Story] Chapter 2

    Translation from greek to english: georgiaath


    Illustration: Ertion Selimi


    Psychology private school, undergraduate section, first year of studies


    I am here. I made it¡­ I overcame my fears and my worries and I am here. It¡¯s the first day, first class, first period¡­


    My building is located in the heart of Athens, close to all the places I would like to visit. The people are multicultural and interesting. I am a little nervous, but now that I¡¯m here, I¡¯m not backing down. A new life is starting for me¡­ a new opportunity, with different coordinates. Not many people would do that, my mom told me, after asking me about ten times if I had thought about it carefully. At the end I got her approval and her blessing.


    My mom has changed¡­ I don¡¯t know why. Since my episode and my decision to take my health on my own hands, she has become more condescending. She sees things differently now. When I asked her how this came to happen, she said very wisely that she just wants me to be healthy and happy. Not just me, but my siblings too.


    As I am waiting at my desk, I look outside the windows. It does not look at all like my small, simple town. Nor the small town I studied in my twenties. A nest full of ants, each of which plays their part and literally hustles to carry it out. I would not be able to work here; their paces are completely different than ours. Even though I had the same luck a while ago¡­ The office I used to work for, was part of a multinational company. They had established this office due to the cheap rents and the easy communication with Thessaloniki. There were many times when I had to travel there, but thankfully most of the work would be done at our offices.


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    The professor comes in. She is around thirty five years old, with blonde hair and a big smile. She introduces herself and welcomes us to the school. She starts talking about the importance of psychology in today¡¯s hard times and that we will see it on our own when we complete our practice. The undergraduate section lasts three years and our postgraduate studies can be done wither in Greece or abroad.


    ¡°So, since we met, what do you say we begin?¡±


    ~~~~


    ¡°Good morning, dear! Are you doing okay?¡±


    ¡°Good morning, dad! I am very busy!¡±


    ¡°What happened? Have you started working on your first week there?¡±, he says playfully and laughs.


    ¡°It¡¯s harder than I thought. Definitions, theory and a lot of gossiping in my class!¡±


    ¡°Danae, don¡¯t pay attention to that! You are there for a reason¡­ Focus on your goal and don¡¯t pay attention to the rest!¡±


    ¡°Dad, how is Max? Your book?¡±


    ¡°We are all doing fine! We miss you but what can you do? You had to open your wings! As far as the book is concerned¡­ I gave it to the publisher¡­ It will be released before Christmas. And it is the best book I¡¯ve written so far! It will be a hit!¡±


    We talk a little more and I hang up. It is Friday today and I have plans to go out with two girls of my class, Maria and Aggeliki. They are both twenty years old and they are planning on studying abroad once they graduate. They are the only ones I think I could hang out with.


    My house is a simple studio apartment and is good for a bed and a desk with a chair. The kitchen is in the same room and the bathroom a little further away. The view is that of the second floor ¨C whatever that means. The guy living across me though is watching TV¡­


    I¡¯m not living far away from school. It¡¯s around fifteen minutes by bus. My savings are enough since I had been working for a few years, but my parents were insisting on supporting me by paying my rent and the energy and water bills. Once I get used to my daily life, I will get a job to have some extra money. I don¡¯t do any crazy things anymore anyway.


    ¡°So? You are leaving tomorrow!¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°Do you want me to introduce you to a doctor there? He is a great person! And he will be able to be in communication with me, so you don¡¯t have to worry.¡±


    ¡°I think that would be the best, doctor.¡±


    He writes his name and phone number on a piece of paper. I read it and laugh.


    ¡° ¡®Mr. Strimenopoulos (Mr. Obnoxious)¡¯?¡±


    The doctor laughs a bit too.


    ¡°Yes! He is a young colleague; to be exact, he is only four years older than you. It hasn¡¯t been long since he opened up his practice and he is in need of new patients. He is a great person and I¡¯m sure you are going to like him.¡±


    The phone rings and takes me away from my memories.


    ¡°Hey Maria!¡±


    ¡°Danae? You ready?¡±