《Tread Softly》


 Chapter 1. Tread Softly

    What Jason taught me¡­


    This skin


    does not fit anyone


    but me.


    So don''t think


    you can put it on


    and intervene


    in my consequences,


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    or fix me


    with your wisdom.


    I will try


    to do


    the same for you.


    In this life it is so easy to think we know better than another. I have had to fight the urge to fix or advise when it was not helpful or appropriate. Life is a tough gig, and so is love. We don¡¯t always have the answer, nor do we always have the means to heal. At best we can listen or just be with another. At other times what they need most is to work through their own stuff alone. It is hard to know what is needed, and sometimes we get it wrong. Learning to tread softly in the life and heart of another is a life long lesson. Upon rare occasions what another needs is a heavy step, a shout, and/or a yank to love them. But when the heavy step, the shout and/or the yank, go unrecognized or unheard, we have to take a step back and wait, and hope and pray¡­and sometimes we have to release. And that is hard.

 Chapter 2. The End of the Beginning

    Jason looks at me with sadness in his eyes. We cannot change our past. While he is sad, I am deeply hurt. His long dark hair has turned to curls because of the Texas Gulf Coast humidity. How I have loved his curls. My right hand instinctively reaches out to touch his hair. I pull it back and tuck it under the table.


    I can hear my own heart beat in my ears. In one night, or so it seems Jason wants to be friends. Friends? How does that work? I don¡¯t want it to work. I want what we had¡­what I thought we had. Denial is addictive. Whenever that thing that wiggles in my gut would say, You need to pay attention to this, I pretended not to hear. It is easy not to hear¡­but then when the thing I avoided began to shout at me from across the barrier of my skin, into the depths of my ears and my heart, I had to listen and I didn¡¯t want to.


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    He stretches his hand across the kitchen table and covers my left hand. His long fingers begin to weave through mine. I start to jerk my hand away, but I stop myself. This may be the last time he attempts to hold my hand. It may be the last time he touches me. I leave my left hand where it is. I feel the familiar pressure of fingers and I feel like I am about to die. It is one thing to be the person leaving by choice, and another thing entirely to be the one being left. I don¡¯t want him to go¡­yet I have to. He removes his hand. The warmth of it lingers and then dissipates. He stands. I watch him go to the front door of my apartment. He opens the door. It closes and I am alone.

 Chapter 3. Invitation

    Making the transition from denial to reality sucks. My brain and heart are all jumbled. Broken memories, broken dreams¡­broken me. My forever has dissolved. It is the last day of school and my art students are uncontrollable. Summer break is here. It has been a long time since I did summer break alone. Alone¡­some how I am still breathing.


    Finally the bell rings. Kids leap from their seats and rush out the door. A sweet shy freshman girl, named Emily, hands me a turquoise envelope before she darts out the door. In a few minutes the school is completely silent. All that energy has spilled out of the building and into the world. I sigh. I tuck the envelope into my purse, gather up my things and leave. I dread all the time I have to get through without work keeping me occupied, without Jason.


    *


    Night has fallen. Time is moving like sludge. On my kitchen counter I see my purse and the turquoise envelope that sticks out of it. I pull it out and open it. Inside is a hand drawn card with seagulls flying over choppy waves. I open it. In Emily¡¯s perfect handwriting are the words: Dear Ms. Lee,


    Thank you for this year. I learned so much from you. Have a good Summer!


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    Emily


    My hand begins to shake and I put the card down on the counter. I can¡¯t have a good summer without Jason. Before I know it I have descended into the land of ugly snot crying. I crumble on the floor and hug my knees. How long will I feel like this?


    In my jeans pocket, my phone buzzes. I pull it out. It is my Auntie Ji An. I clear my throat and put as much brightness in my voice as I can. ¡°Hello.¡±


    Auntie Ji Ann says, ¡°You have been crying.¡±


    I want to deny it, but my heart won¡¯t let me. I begin to sob. Through my sobs I hear Auntie¡¯s voice saying, ¡°There, there love, cry it out. Tears heal.¡±


    When I finally get a hold of myself, I thank her and then ask, ¡°How are you?¡±


    ¡°Lonely. Your cousin, Mina was supposed to visit me, but she said she can¡¯t make it. Can you come?¡±


    The thought of flying across the ocean has NEVER appealed to me, but I can¡¯t resist Je Ju Island. When I was little we went there once a year to visit family. The last time I was there I was twenty and I hadn¡¯t met Jason yet. Maybe what I need is to get away from all things and memories that are Jason. I blow my nose and say, ¡°Yes, I would love to come.¡±


    Auntie asks, ¡°How long can you stay?¡±


    ¡°How long do you want me?¡±


    She laughs and says, ¡°All Summer.¡±


    ¡°All Summer it is!¡± For the first time in weeks, I feel a tiny bit of joy stir inside of me.

 Chapter 4. Traveling

    Packed, ready for the trip. Is this a trip or am I running away? If I am honest, its both. I go outside the apartment gates to wait for my mom. Her little gray Yaris pulls up. I get in and I can feel her worry. In silence she drives me to the airport. I know she wishes she was going too. Secretly, I am glad she isn¡¯t. There is nothing like the burden of a mother¡¯s worry.


    At the airport, she stops at the front and gives me a quick hug. I can tell she is fighting back tears. If I am lucky, I will get out of the car, before a tear falls. I am lucky. I get out. I don¡¯t look back. I hear her car pull away from the curb and I sigh.


    Inside the airport I am not prepared for how I feel. Every summer since we met, Jason and I have gone on a trip. This year it was supposed to be Hawaii. I had hoped he might ask me to marry him. It hurts. I make my way to the line and wait. I feel a bit shaky and my heart is not keeping proper time. The question that haunts me rises up inside of me¡­what did I do wrong? In memory, I hear that worn out excuse in Jason¡¯s voice, ¡°Its not you, its me.¡± As security clears me, the excuse rumbles inside my head. What if its not an excuse, what if its actually true? Jason was not ever an insincere person. I trusted him. Did he suddenly become untrustworthy? Deep down, I don¡¯t think so.


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    I have cleared security without being searched. Thank you Jesus. I take a seat and wait to board. I don¡¯t make eye contact with anyone. I get out my phone and play Spider Solitaire. Of course Spider Solitaire can¡¯t hold my attention. My mind is preoccupied with last summer. This time last year Jason I were in this airport waiting to catch our flight to New Orleans. We were doing a crossword puzzle. We were laughing, talking, and guessing each word. I remember Jason asked, ¡°What is a six letter word for singular?¡± I had answered, ¡°Lonely.¡± Before Jason, I loved traveling alone. I had not felt lonely then, but I do now.


    My flight number is called. I walk to the gate. A head of me is an Asian man, with his long hair pulled back in a pony tail. I¡¯ve always liked long hair on men. Jason¡¯s hair was the first thing I noticed about him. The man with the ponytail walks with a steady determination, like he is propelling himself forward into the plane. Behind him, I feel the same way.

 Chapter 5. Beside Me

    The sky, the ocean, if not for all the people in the plane, I would feel like a bird. Relief rolls through me as I get further and further away from home¡­away from him. To be in a place where there is no danger of running into him, or anyone he knows. To be in a place where no one will ask me how my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend is¡­makes some of the pain in me uncoil. Dread is a terrible thing and I have been living with dread since Jason walked out of my apartment.


    The clouds outside my window are beautiful. I focus on them and not the miles of water below me. Beside me, is the Asian man with the pony tail. He smells of Old Spice the classic kind. I didn¡¯t know anyone my agewore that scent. Its a spicy, clean smell that reminds me of my grandpa. I am thankful Ponytail Man hasn¡¯t tried to chat me up. In fact, outside of his polite smile when I took my seat there has been no communication. He is intent on whatever he listening to through his earbuds.


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    Despite the lack of communication, I am aware of his weariness. Its not like he is sighing or making any noise, its just the way his body has melted into his seat. The way he has contained himself, seems much like the way I have contained myself. Of course I am probably just making up a story about him. I have zero information to go on and yet here I sit burdening him with my issues as if they were his own. Mirroring is what it¡¯s called. Its easier to transfer than it is to deal.


    *


    The sun has long set. Stars have filled the sky. Beside me Ponytail Man is dozing. He has a very soft snore that would probably be louder if he were laying flat in a bed. I turn toward him. For one full minute I study him. His face has gone all soft like a little boy¡¯s. I glance at his hands. He¡¯s not wearing a wedding ring or a couples band. Single or just not committed, or maybe not into rings. I turn away from him. Of its own accord my thumb brushes against my bare left ring finger. I close my eyes and pray for sleep. I don¡¯t think I will sleep, I rarely do on planes.


    For awhile my own thoughts crowd my mind, and then as my thinking slows down, I hear the steady breathing of Ponytail Man. My breathing begins to match his. I feel my mind drift.

 Chapter 6. Morning

    I wake. The sun is so bright I slam my eyelids shut. At first I don¡¯t remember where I am. The rumble of the plane refreshes my memory. I am on my way to Auntie Ji An. I stretch. My right hand brushes the shoulder of Ponytail Man. I didn¡¯t mean to touch him. His eyes swivel toward me. I feel my face go red. I have morning breath and gosh it tastes bad. I cover my mouth and say, ¡°Sorry.¡±


    A slow smile spreads across his face and rests in his dark eyes. He says,¡°No problem.¡± His gaze returns to his iPad. Korean characters fill the screen. I can speak Korean, thanks to my parents, but I can barely read it.


    I turn away from Ponytail Man and grab my purse. Of course my breath mints have sunk to the bottom. As I pull them out, I notice Emily¡¯s card pressed against the side. Why haven¡¯t I taken it out of my purse? I don¡¯t know. I pop a breath mint. The sharp spearmint brings me fully awake. I retrieve Emily¡¯s card and study her drawing. Her pencil strokes are delicate. The shading captures light on water. The gulls are a tiny bit wonky. Still, I find them beautiful.


    Beside me, Ponytail Man asks, ¡°Is that original artwork?¡±


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    I smile and nod.


    ¡°Its good.¡±


    For a brief moment we make eye contact. There is kindness in his eyes and curiosity, maybe.


    ¡°Thanks, the artist is one of my best students.¡±


    ¡°So you teach art?¡±


    I wasn¡¯t expecting to have a conversation with Ponytail Man. ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s great.¡± He smiles again and turns back to his iPad.


    So, the conversation is over. I let it be. My mother has drilled into me not to talk to strangers. There is also the fact that I am a woman traveling alone. I turn and I look out the window. Morning light spills over Seoul. I am aware that the plane has begun its descent. My eyes tear up. It has been so long since I have stood on Korean soil¡­the land of my family. For the first time since Jason walked out of my apartment, he steps into the back ground of my thoughts. Memories happy and sad fill my mind.


    Over the intercom a female voice says, ¡°Prepare for landing.¡± She says a lot of other stuff, but I don¡¯t listen. I put on my seatbelt and start blindly shoving my snacks, books and pencils into my back pack.


    The plane lands. I get up to fetch my carry on. The thing is jammed. I tug on it. Behind me Ponytail Man asks, ¡°Need some help?¡±


    ¡°Please.¡± I slip into his seat, as he wrestles my duffle bag free. He hands it to me. Again our eyes meet. I see myself reflected in them. I hear myself say, ¡°Thank you.¡±


    ¡°No problem.¡± He steps into the aisle and heads for the exit.

 Chapter 7. In the Aisle

    Once I am in the terminal, I feel disoriented. It has been a long time since I have seen and been with this many Korean people. I hear the language floating all around me. Large screens project Korean commercials. At first I can¡¯t understand a word, then slowly a sentence here and there makes sense. I guess my Korean is rustier than I thought. I make my way to the nearest gift shop. Auntie Ji An loves candy, weird candy like kids eat. I select a neon sucker. A familiar scent hits my nose. I don¡¯t turn. I can smell him. It¡¯s Ponytail Man. He doesn¡¯t speak as he passes me, yet I am so aware of him. I keep focused on the candy until he leaves the shop and then I look up. I see him walking swiftly away. I watch him until he disappears into the crowd. I suddenly feel confused and flustered by my reaction to him.


    Over the loudspeaker, I hear my flight number called and the exit to catch my bus. Quickly, I pay for the candy, and run to the designated exit. Rain is beginning to fall. The steps are slippery. I pull my hoodie over my head. Inside the plane I have reserved a window seat. I always get a window seat. I want to see Jeju Island as soon as it appears. In my chest my heart is pounding, like it always does when I go to Jeju Island. The entire fifty minute flight I keep my eyes focused out my window. When the plane begins its descent, I feel like a kid again. I am practically bouncing in my seat. The island is veiled by the rain. A sudden a shaft of sunlight breaks through the clouds and hits the island. It is magic. From up here, Jeju looks like heaven.


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    The plane touches down on the runway and comes to a slow stop. Through the rain I seethe lights of Jeju Air Port. A bus approaches to take passengers to the terminal.I grab my back pack and duffle bag. I pull my hood over my head and step into the aisle. I make full body contact with someone. I look up to apologize, and can¡¯t speak. It¡¯s Ponytail Man.


    For the first time I see amusement in his eyes. The people behind us are pushing us forward. We are so close, not touching but so close. He asks, ¡°You okay?¡±


    That is a loaded question. Inside my head I shout, NO I AM NOT OKAY! Outside, I say, ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡± Liar.


    We exit the plane. Rain hits my face. We dash to the bus. I take the first seat I come to. He doesn¡¯t sit down beside me. I am disappointed.

 Chapter 8. The Past

    The bus stops at the terminal. I make sure to pay attention to where I am going, and also I force myself to not look for a certain someone. Outside the air is colder than it was in Seoul. The rain is falling hard. I make a dash for it. Inside the terminal, it doesn¡¯t look so different than it did when I was twenty. I feel the years peeling away from me. I don¡¯t have any luggage to check so I make my way to the waiting area. I see Auntie Ji An and run to her. I drop my duffel bag and backpack. Her strong arms take me into a fierce hug. She pulls me away from her and looks me up and down. In Korean she says, ¡°Too thin and too pale. That American food is all tasty junk. You need to put on some weight and get some color in your cheeks.¡±


    The words are true, but they also sting. I haven¡¯t been eating or sleeping well since Jason and I broke up. I wonder if he¡¯s heard I¡¯ve left the country. I wonder if he cares.


    In Korean, Auntie Ji An calls out a greeting, ¡°Well hello there stranger.¡±


    I turn and look behind me. Oh my GOD! Its Ponytail Man. Auntie steps around me and takes Ponytail Man in her arms.


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    Her voice breaks and she says, ¡°Oh, nae namja* it is so good to see you.¡±


    I don¡¯t remember what nae namja means. Is it his name?


    He releases Auntie Ji An and glances at me. His eyes look puzzled. Both of us wait a moment for her to introduce us, only she doesn¡¯t. Instead she starts peppering him with questions about his family. He answers each question with six words or less. How do they know each other? Auntie says, ¡°Just ride with us, no need to get a taxi. I know your granny is so excited you have come for a visit.¡±


    He nods. The guy sure doesn¡¯t talk much. Auntie Ji An slips her arm through his. She honestly seems happier to see him than me. I grab my duffle bag and backpack and tag along behind them. Outside of the terminal, Ponytail Man takes Auntie Ji An¡¯s key fob and heads for her car. Does he know what kind of car she drives? I don¡¯t even know what kind of car she drives. After he is out of ear shot I ask her, ¡°Who is that guy?¡±


    She giggles and asks, ¡°You don¡¯t remember him?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°He doesn¡¯t look familiar at all.¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°He is Kim Hae-in. Neighbor Song¡¯s grandson.¡±


    My mouth drops open.

 Chapter 9. One Summer

    The last time I saw Hae-in I was thirteen years old. Mom and I were staying with Auntie Ji An that summer because, my mom and dad had hit a rough patch in their marriage. I was terrified my parents were getting a divorce and I would have to live in Korea forever. I missed my dad, I missed my dog, I missed my friends. I even missed my older brother.


    The Hae-in I remember had a burr haircut, he was skinny, he was seventeen and beautiful to my thirteen year old eyes. My angry, frightened heart latched onto him hard. Whenever he came out of his grandmother¡¯s house I literally followed him around like a love sick puppy. Even then he had been quiet and kind. He didn¡¯t encourage my attention, but he also didn¡¯t chase me away. If he had¡­I don¡¯t think I would have survived that summer.


    Auntie Ji An¡¯s laughter pulls me out of the past. She says, ¡°So you do remember him.¡±


    It was too late to lie to her. I nod and whisper, ¡°Please don¡¯t jog his memory. Let thirteen year old Lee Yi-seul stay in the past.¡±


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    My aunt puts her hands on her hips and says, ¡°Well, I have to introduce you. What do you want me to say?¡±


    I honestly don¡¯t know. A little yellow VW beetle is making its way to the airport entrance. It¡¯s Ponytail man, I mean Kim Hae-in.


    He pulls up. Auntie Ji An takes the front seat and I crawl into the back seat with my duffle bag and backpack.


    Auntie Jin says, ¡°Hae-in, you remember my niece, Lee Yi-seul.¡±


    I glance at the rear view mirror to gauge his reaction. In the mirror¡¯s reflection, I meet his eyes. He doesn¡¯t seem put off by my identity. He smiles and says, ¡°I thought you looked familiar.¡±


    Great. I do my best to return his smile. On the plane he didn¡¯t look familiar at all. He doesn¡¯t look familiar now. I wish to God he was still just Ponytail Man. The fact that once I was practically his fan girl stalker makes me cringe. I feel embarrassment creeping to my face and traveling through every cell I have.


    His eyes dart back to the road. Auntie Ji An who usually carries on an animated monologue about whatever pops into her head, doesn¡¯t even start one. This behavior is odd, but I am grateful. I am currently too embarrassed to risk any trips down memory lane.

 Chapter 10. A Memory

    The VW travels along the shore road. Outside the window, I watch the ocean. Even in the rain, it has a strange kind of beauty. The waves are high and crashing into the pilings. From time to time I spot seagulls huddled in clusters. They are enduring the storm together. The windshield wipers swoosh back and forth, my heart is keeping time with them.


    A memory of bright sunlight fills my mind. I am sticky from a melting orange popsicle. I am seated on a huge rock listening to the waves hit the pilings. I am crying again. The night before I heard mom arguing with my dad over the phone. Later, that night I heard my mom¡¯s muffled sobs in the bedroom next to mine.


    I remember the distance sound of whistling, good whistling, the kind that actually sounds like music. The tune is ¡°Don¡¯t Stop Believin¡¯¡±. I glance back. Picking his way across the rocky shore is a boy in ragged surf shorts, wearing an equally ragged Journey T-shirt and flip flops. In English he asks, ¡°Are you Yi-seul?¡±


    Aware my face is puffy and my eyes are red, I nod.


    ¡°Mrs. Park Ji An told me to tell you to get home.¡±


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    Confused I ask, ¡°Who are you?¡±


    He laughs, rubs his crew cut hair and says, ¡°I am Hae-in. Don¡¯t you remember me?¡±


    Hae-in? The last time I saw him I was eight and he was twelve. At twelve, he smelled terrible and had strangely hairs growing above his upper lip. He was also surgically attached to his Nintendo game system. This beautiful creature was THAT boy? Impossible! All I manage to say is, ¡°Oh.¡± I stand up and take off at a run.


    He calls after me, ¡°Be careful, the rocks are sharp.¡±


    The crunch of gravel beneath the tires, brings me back to the present. We pull into Auntie Ji An¡¯s drive. I notice the white paint on the house is peeling. It is made of cinder blocks to withstand storms. Next door is an identical house painted blue. On the porch is Neighbor Song. She is wearing her brightest flower pants. Her gray hair is pulled back by a yellow scarf and she is waving furiously. My, she has aged. I glance at Hai-in. Not only is he waving at his grandmother, he makes the heart sign for her. I am touched by the sweetness of the gesture.


    We pile out of the car. In Korean Hae-in calls out, ¡°Granny, I will be there in a sec. Let me help them get their bags in.¡±


    I am surprised I actually understood him.


    Auntie Ji An tells him, ¡°We got this. Go on!¡±


    The look he gives Auntie Ji An is pure gratitude. His eyes are full of light. ¡°Thanks.¡±


    I watch him dash across the yard, scoop his grandmother into his arms and give her a gentle twirl. She squeals with delight.


    Auntie Ji An¡¯s nudges me with her elbow. ¡°Ain¡¯t they a pair?¡±


    Softly I say, ¡°They are.¡±

 Chapter 11. Gong Yoo

    Inside the house, Gong Yoo, Auntie Ji An¡¯s chihuahua greets her. He is cream colored and his tail is wagging so hard it almost knocks him over. He is all kisses when she picks him up. He is a cutie. Suddenly he glances my way and bares his teeth. A low growl rumbles in his tiny chest. Auntie Ji An says, ¡°Be nice.¡± He gives me a dirty look and turns away. Auntie Ji An says, ¡°Don¡¯t mind him. He¡¯ll warm up to you.¡± She looks me over and says, ¡°Someone could use a nap.¡±


    Due to lack of sleep, jet lag and crossing too many time zones, I feel like crap. ¡°Yeah, I think so too.¡±


    ¡°I fixed up the room you always sleep in.¡±


    ¡±Thank you.¡± I go down the short hall to the bedroom. It hasn¡¯t changed much. Blue curtains still flutter in the windows. There is a pallet on the floor with a cheery crocheted afghan.The sound of rain fills the room. I stow my duffle bag and backpack in the wardrobe. I lie down on the pallet. It feels good. Just as my eyes are about to close, I hear the click, click of tiny toenails. I peak out. Gong Yoo sits in the door way. His eyes are fixed on me and they are not friendly. Is he going to be like this the whole summer? Maybe I should assert myself. I lean up on my elbows and say, ¡°Shoo, Gong Yoo!¡± He gives me a side eye but doesn¡¯t budge.


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    *


    When I wake up, afternoon sunlight spills into my room. The rain has stopped. Gong Yoo is curled up asleep in the doorway. The instant I move, his eyes pop open and he glares at me. I ignore him and get up. In the dresser mirror I see my reflection. I do look bad.The last few months of poor sleep and a waning appetite are showing. I want to look like myself again. I want to be myself again. I still want Jason. It still feels like if Jason came back I would be all better. But, would I? Through the open window comes the sound of someone whistling Led Zepplin¡¯s ¡°Stairway to Heaven.¡±


    I look out my window, it¡¯s Pony-uh I mean Hae-in taking out the trash. I watch him lift the lid just the way he used to, with the bag held at arms length. For the first time I see in him the seventeen year old boy I knew. I step back from the window. He puts the trash in and quietly sets the lid down. As he turns in my direction, I duck, just like I used to when I was thirteen. In the door way, Gong Yoo is startled by my sudden body drop. I am too. Gees, what am I doing? I remain where I am until I hear Neighbor Song¡¯s back door slide closed.

 Chapter 12. Different and Same

    My first night in Korea. Auntie Ji An has gone to bed. I am now alone in my old room feeling a bit overwhelmed. This evening Auntie Ji An took me for a ride around town. This village, which used to be so familiar to me, isn¡¯t anymore. Its been too long since I was last here. So many of the Grandma houses I visited as a child have different people in them, or they are empty. Many buildings are in decay or have been remodeled beyond recognition. This hurts my heart. Also this evening in the grocery store, I discovered I have developed a language barrier. Auntie Ji An assures me that I will remember more Korean as I hear more. I hope so.


    I put on my pajamas and go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. At a distance Gong Yoo follows me. Back in the room, I take Emily¡¯s card out of my purse and prop it on the dresser. The card reminds me that I have a life and a profession that fulfills me. Through the open window I see Neighbor Song¡¯s lights are all out. I crawl into bed aware that tiny bulging eyes are watching me from the door way. I reach for my iPad and turn off my lamp. Before leaving home I downloaded The Life Works of A Korean Poet, Kim Myong-sun, The Flower Dream of a Woman Born Too Soon. It is a heart wrenching story. I come across two lines of a poem


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    After the rain, the June wind wheedles the airy curtains*


    The blue curtains flutter at the window. It is June, I am living these lines in this moment.


    Next door I hear the sound of a sliding door open. For some reason I turn off my iPad. Steps cross Neighbor Song¡¯s side yard. The sound is familiar. Gong Yoo¡¯s ears perk up. I know where those steps are headed. I hear his shoes hit the paved road. I find myself going to the front room. Gong Yoo¡¯s toe nails click behind me. I push the curtains back. I watch Hae-in as he jogs in and out of the circles of illumination created by the streetlights.His hair is loose and flying. He heads for the pier. Moonlight on the waves delineates his form. It is not the form of a boy that I see, but that of a man.The thirteen girl inside of me still lives and she wants to follow Hae-in into the night. That is what she always wanted to do on those long ago lonely nights, but she never did. I had thought then I wouldn¡¯t go because I was a good girl. Truth was, I knew he didn¡¯t feel the same way about me, that I felt about him. I didn¡¯t go because if I did my dream bubble world with him would have shattered. I think I was wise girl.


    *https://aaww.org/sweet-nothings-two-poems-by-kim-myong-sun-translated-by-eunice-lee/

 Chapter 13. Going to Market

    In the morning, I finally unpack my duffle bag. Gong Yoo watches me disapprovingly. All my clothes are wrinkled. At the bottom of the bag is a new sketch book. Usually, starting a new sketch book is thrilling¡­not this time. This time there is a sketch book back home that I have not touched since Jason left. He was a willing model, always. The peace we shared while I drew and he stared into space thinking about I don¡¯t know what. I never asked, I wish now I had. I study the sketchbook in my hand. It looks like all the others on the outside, but it will never be the same. The image of Jason will not cover a single page. There is no real clean break in a break up. It is always messy by degrees. I shove the duffle bag and the sketchbook into the wardrobe.


    From the kitchen comes the aroma of mushroom pancakes. Since I got my own place, I only eat Korean food when I go to my folks house. I have forgotten how fragrant a Korean breakfast can be. Gong Yoo heads for the kitchen and I follow.


    A small low table is covered with various kinds of kimchi and noodles. I sit down on a blue cushion. Auntie Ji An places two plates of steaming pancakes on the table and sits across from me. I take a bite of mine. They are as good as I remember. I make an emphatic mmm sound. Gong Yoo whimpers. Auntie tells him to hush. I take another bite, I am surprised that my scarce appetite actually wants this food.


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    We are just about finished when Auntie¡¯s phone rings. She says, ¡°Hello.¡± I can hear a voice on the other end. The voice is female speaking Korean. Auntie responds in Korean, ¡°Sure, he can,¡± she pauses and looks at me, then she says, ¡°but Yi-Seul needs to go to the fish market. Its on the way. Could he drop her off and pick her up on his way back.¡±


    Suspicion fills me. He? He who? I¡¯ve not said a word about going to the fish market. A cold nose touches my hand. Gong Yoo looks up at me with pleading eyes. I sneak him a bit of pancake. He wags his tail. This is a first. Auntie Ji An finishes the conversation by saying, ¡°Yes, around eleven will be fine.¡± She hangs up.


    In English I ask, ¡°Why am I going to the fish market?¡±


    She responds in Korean, ¡°Because, I need some squid and prawns for dinner.¡±


    ¡°Who am I riding with?¡±


    With a soft chuckle Auntie says, ¡°Guess.¡±


    I don¡¯t need to. In this moment I am embarrassed, excited and a little scared at the same time. Firmly I say, ¡°Please don¡¯t do that again.¡±


    She smiles and says, ¡°I won¡¯t have to.¡±

 Chapter 14. Hiding

    I am in my room basically hiding. When HE arrives I will NOT be the one to open the door. I know I am a grown woman but I am as terrified as a thirteen year old girl. My hope is that Hae-in has forgotten all about my embarrassing crush. I have learned people don¡¯t remember a lot of things, and I am hoping my thirteen year old self is one of those THINGS. I am also in deep battle with fear. What if he thinks I¡¯m still interested in him? What if he thinks I am after him? What if he takes advantage of me? Okay, where did that last question come from? I don¡¯t know him. I don¡¯t even remember him that well¡­yeah right. I tell my brain to shut up. It rarely listens.


    I glance out the window. I am tempted to wait by the window, but that would be creepy so I sit on the bed. Neighbor Song¡¯s back door slides open. I break out in a sweat. Too soon there is a knock at the front door. Gong Yoo starts barking. The barking stops. I hear Hae-in say, ¡°Hey buddy, long time no see.¡±


    Auntie Ji An¡¯s too cheerful voice says, ¡°I will go get Yi-Seul.¡±


    Great.


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    Through the bedroom door, Auntie Ji An tells me, ¡°Hae-in is here,¡± like I don¡¯t know that. I am seriously tempted to jump out the window. I open the door. Auntie Ji An takes one look at me and whispers, ¡°Why are you dressed like that?¡±


    I am wearing flowered overalls and a t-shirt. These are my safe, do not attract a man clothes. I shrug and don¡¯t explain.


    She frowns at me and says, ¡°You are going to regret that outfit.¡±


    I follow her into the living room. Hae-in is holding a very happy Gong Yoo. For some stupid reason I feel jealous. I notice Hae-in is dressed in a pale tan suit. Where is he going dressed like that? When he sees me he grins at me. In that moment I realize I have inadvertently dressed like my thirteen year old self. HOW STUPID!


    He asks, ¡°Are you ready?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡± NO. I give Auntie Ji An a look. All I receive in return is a very bright self satisfied smile.


    She hands me a small cooler with ice to keep the prawns and squid fresh. Even though I¡¯m miffed, when she hugs me, I hug her back. She lets me go and takes Gong Yoo from Hae-in. She tells Hae-in, ¡°Good luck with your interview.¡±


    Hae-in and I head out the front door. The smell of Old Spice lingers in the air. Does he wear that scent all the time? Due to my deep affection for my grandpa, I find it to be a comforting scent. I doubt Hae-in would be flattered if I told him he smells like my grandpa. I notice a few cream colored dog hairs are clinging to his lapel, my hand starts to reach out to brush them off, but I stop myself.

 Chapter 15. Then and Now

    My palms are sweating. I am awkward. I don¡¯t know what to say. My throat is dry. This is how I felt when I was with him at thirteen. It is miserable. Why did I voluntarily subject myself to this back then? Puppy love was painful. I glance at him. His eyes are straight ahead. He seems uneasy. Its probably about his interview. Though I am curious about the interview, I don¡¯t ask any questions. I don¡¯t want to seem interested. I am terrified of seeming interested.


    He stops in front of the fish market. Its been awhile. The market looks different too. Its painted sky blue instead of teal. For a moment he gazes at the building. I start to get out.He says, ¡°Wait, we need to exchange numbers in case my meeting runs long.¡±


    ¡°Okay.¡±I hand him my phone and he hands me his. He puts his number into mine. Thirteen year old me can not believe I finally got Hae-in¡¯s number! I put my number in his. Thirteen year old meis even more excited that he now has my NUMBER! We exchange phones again. As I get out of the car, he says, ¡°Call me if you need anything.¡±


    Thirteen year old me is currently doing cartwheels. ¡°Thanks.¡± I point at his lapel and say, ¡°Gong Yoo left his mark.¡±


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    He looks down at his jacket and brushes the hair off. ¡°Thanks for telling me. Have fun.¡±


    I nod and turn toward the market. I hear the VW pull away. I force myself not to look back.


    A woman is exiting the market as I am entering.Abruptly she stops and asks in English, ¡°Izzy is that you? It¡¯s me Dami. Remember me?¡±


    How could I forget her? She has changed. Thick glasses no longer frame her face. Her wild hair has been tamed. I say, ¡°Yes I do, it is good to see you.¡±


    She reaches for me wraps her arms around me. She releases me and says, ¡°Oh, it is so good to see you too. Your auntie told me you were coming for a visit. Mrs. Song told me Hae-in is visiting her. Please tell me that ya¡¯ll finally got together.¡± Her eyes are full of hope.


    I shake my head.


    She says, ¡°Bummer.¡± I can see her disappointment. During that long ago summer, the hours she and I spent on the phone talking about Hae-in are wrapped in a layer of bittersweet dreams.


    Dami¡¯s phone rings. She pulls it out of her purse, glances a the screen and says. ¡°It¡¯s my sitter. No telling what my boys have gotten into now. It was so good to see you.¡± She answers her phone and walks away.

 Chapter 16. Aroma of Tteobokki

    I remain on the sidewalk alone. I feel hollow. Dami has a husband and kids. I wanted a husband and kids, Jason¡¯s kids. I take in a deep breath and try to shake thoughts of Jason out of my head. I walk into the fish market. The smell of fresh, truly fresh fish fills the air. It is a clean smell. There is the spicy smell of Tteokbokki. Its been a long time since I¡¯ve eaten authentic Tteobokki. I make a note to stop by the stand on my way out. I pull Auntie Ji An¡¯s grocery list from my purse and wander through the vendors. So many different kinds of fish and sea creatures. The sounds of the trolly carts, the vendors and customers talking takes me back in time. When Hae-in was seventeen he worked at this market delivering ice to the vendors. I remember him in khaki shorts, steel toe boots and a white T-shirt pushing the ice cart between the stalls. I could have watched him all day.


    One by one I gather the ingredients for Auntie Ji An. I wish she was here with me. Last of all I purchase the prawns and squid. I put them in the cooler.I check my phone.My heart jumps when I see his text. He is on his way. I go to the Tteokbokki stand and order two servings of Tteobokki to go, one for me and one for Auntie Ji An. It smells so good. I payand head toward the entrance.


    I settle myself on a bench to wait. I like people watching. I especially enjoy the grandma¡¯s and the children. Right on time, I see Auntie Ji An¡¯s VW approaching. It stops. Hae-in¡¯s expression is neutral. I get in the car. Did the interview go well? I hope so, but I don¡¯t ask.


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    Hae-in sniffs the air. ¡°Is that Tteobokki?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°Can I have some?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡± He pauses before he asks, ¡°Remember that park with the swings?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°Want to eat there?¡±


    ¡°Uh sure.¡± One good memory of my thirteenth summer took place in that park. I wonder if Hae-in remembers? Probably not.


    I feel my heart rate kick up as we drive to the park. The gulls criss cross the sky. Hae-in parks the car and we get out. The wind has set the swings to swinging. I feel like I am having an out of body experience, and I am. The part of me that is thirteen is very muchalive, so alive there isn¡¯t much room left for the me that Icurrently am.


    Gravel crunches under our shoes. The tang of salt water stings my nostrils. I feel tears forming, I struggle to hold them back. I tell myself it is just the wind. It isn¡¯t.

 Chapter 17. The Swings

    The memory has started. Auntie Ji An¡¯s house is hot. I have to escape. My mother¡¯s angry, sad silence is oppressive. I want to get away from it. I sneak out to the shed and get Auntie Ji An¡¯s old bike. I test the tires. They have air in them. Without telling anyone where I am going, I climb on the bike and pedal away as fast as I can. At first I don¡¯t know where I¡¯m going. With tears streaming down my cheeks the sea and sky blend into a blur. I ride fast, aimlessly, until I see the park and the swings. I love to swing. It feels like flying. That will make me feel better. I stop, park the bike and run down the path to the swings. They move of their own accord. I grab one, and sit down facing the water. Tiny sandpipers skitter along the shore. I start to launch myself into the air, but there are people around. Do thirteen year olds play on swings alone? I don¡¯t know. The terror of being in this foreign teenage world where I¡¯m not sure what is appropriate behavior for my age paralyzes me. Instead of swinging, instead of soaring, I drop my eyes and stare at my dirty flip flops. My long hair hides my face. Anger and fear are crushing me.The warmth of my tears slip down my cheeks and my neck, but I don¡¯t make a sound.


    Behind me I hear someone approaching. I pray whoever it is does not want to swing. That someone takes hold of the chains of my swing. I don¡¯t look up. I recognize their scent, they smell of fish and ice and I am humiliated. Could this day get any worse?


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    Hae-in asks, ¡°Do you want a push?¡±


    I peek up at him and manage to whisper, ¡°Yes.¡±


    He slips behind me. With both chains in his hands, he pulls me back. We are so close I can hear his breathing. He releases the chains and I glide forward. My hair blows away from my face. The wind begins to dry the salt trails on my skin. I go as far as I can forward and then begin the journey backwards. His hands push the swing forward again. I begin to feel the weightlessness of flight. With each push from him, I feel a bit better, a bit stronger, a bit more like I might just survive this summer. We don¡¯t speak. Not a single word passes between us, but we are communicating. And I am grateful.


    Hae-in¡¯s voice breaks into my memories. He asks, ¡°Want to sit here?¡±


    The table has a view of the swings and the water. I reply, ¡°Yes, this would be good.¡±


    We sit down side by side looking forward together. We eat our Tteobokki, not a single word passes between us, yet I feel like in some way we are communicating. And I am grateful.

 Chapter 18. Imperfect Gull

    We have finished our Tteobokki. Hae-in stands and stretches. He says, ¡°We best get those prawns home before the ice melts.¡± In reality there is no danger of the ice melting in the cooler anytime soon. I am not ready to leave, not ready to let go of these peaceful moments. I have known so little peace over the last few months Regardless, I stand too and we head for the house. Hae-in seems to have gone from being quiet, to being withdrawn. Not sure why, don¡¯t want to know.


    When we arrive back at Auntie Ji An¡¯s, she, Neighbor Song and Gong Yoo are on the porch swing. The women are both smiling brightly. Gong Yoo hops off the swing and goes to Hae-in. I watch Hae-in scoop the dog up. Gong Yoo gives him a gentle lick on the cheek. As he cuddles the dog, I see the tension in Hae-in¡¯s body relax. Neighbor Song asks, ¡°How did it go?¡±


    Hae-in shrugs. ¡°I think okay. They said they¡¯d call me.¡±


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    With confidence, Auntie Ji An says, ¡°They will call.¡±


    So everyone on the porch knows the job he was interviewed for except me. The way those ladies are beaming at him, it must be a good job, but I don¡¯t ask. I take the groceries inside and put the squid and prawns in the fridge. The front door opens. Auntie Ji An enters the kitchen. A smile twists on her lips. She comes to me and touches a red spot of Tteobokki sauce on my overall strap . She says ¡°Hae-in is wearing the same sauce. Where¡¯d you eat?¡±


    ¡°The park.¡±


    She asks, ¡°The one you ran away to?¡±


    I don¡¯t answer. I can tell by her expression what she is thinking. While I know her intentions are loving, I am not ready to start anything with anyone.The question is not repeated. I leave her and go to my room. On the dresser I see Emily¡¯s card. The imperfect sea gulls catch my attention. My thoughts return to the recent past. Hae-in tosses a bit of rice cake into the air. Sea gulls descend. Only one catches the scrap That one soars away as the others cry in protest.

 Chapter 19. To the Beach

    Saturday morning with sketchbook in hand and Gong Yoo on his blinged out leash, I make my way to the beach. There is a crop of rocks I am currently sketching. The sun is just rising. I always love the way the sun slowly illuminates the clouds while it is still hidden beyond the horizon. I pull out my colored pencils, and resume my drawing. It has been a long time since I have sketched a rock. There aren¡¯t that many interesting ones where I live. But here on the island, the formations from past lava flows are stunning. I am amazed by how creative the destruction of a volcano can be. While I draw, Gong Yoo watches the sea gulls fly over head. His ears cock back and forth as he tracks them. I find myself sinking into the bliss of the creative process. For a while everything in my life melts away.


    The buzzing of my phone breaks my concentration. I glance down at it. My mom¡¯s picture is on the screen. She smiles in the photo. My brain calculates theStates time. She should be a sleep. Afraid of bad news, my hand shakes as I pick up the phone. Tentatively I say, ¡°Hello.¡±


    My mom says, ¡°Hi Izzy.¡± I note that her voice sounds a bit nervous.


    ¡°Hi Mom.¡±


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    ¡°I ran into Jason this evening in the grocery store.¡±


    My heart drops. ¡°And you are telling me this because?¡± My mom really loves Jason, so I am wary.


    ¡°He told me he thinks he made a mistake.¡±


    I play dumb. ¡°About what?¡±


    ¡°You.¡±


    ¡°Mom, I know you are trying to help, but don¡¯t. If Jason wants to get in touch with me, he has my number. He doesn¡¯t need to go through you.¡±


    ¡°I know. Its just he looked so sad, and he seemed genuine.¡±


    ¡°Can we talk about something else?¡±


    ¡°Um, sure.¡±


    The rest of the conversation is stilted. I do my best to keep my tone even. Inside I am a wreck. So Jason thinks he made a mistake. Great.


    My mom says, ¡°I better let you go, its late.¡±


    ¡°Okay. Bye, Love you.¡±


    ¡°Love you too.¡± I end the call.


    For a long while I sit staring at the water, not seeing it. I can hear the pages of my sketch book being ruffled by the wind. The sun is too bright on the water. I close my eyes. My mom¡¯s words play in my mind, ¡°He thinks he made a mistake.¡± He thinks he made a mistake, not knows he made a mistake. I am angry with my mom for calling. She loves a happy ending. Like me, she thought Jason was the one. Apparently, she still thinks that and it pisses me off. Under my anger is deep hurt. Why doesn¡¯t Jason know he made a mistake? For the first time I wonder, was it a mistake?

 Chapter 20. Time Tested

    The sun has gotten higher and the shadows on the rocks have changed. There will be no more drawing for me this morning. I close my sketch book. Jason thoughts are running through my head like a movie on speed. I just want it to stop. I don¡¯t want to think. I don¡¯t want to let that pathetic side of me hope that maybe he is more than thinking about taking me back. Why do I have to be the one taken back? He should be worried about being taken back by me! My mind comes to a halt at this thought. I feel cold all over. For the first time it occurs to me that I didn¡¯t even fight to keep him. I didn¡¯t argue my case. I just let him go because he wanted to go, and he said he needed to go. It was all about him. Did I let him go so easily because on some level I wanted him to go? I listened to what he needed, but I didn¡¯t tell him what I needed. Why didn¡¯t I tell him? Why didn¡¯t he want to know what I needed?


    A gull cries over head and I look up. Its sleek wings are bathed in reflected light. Beside me Gong Yoo growls in his throat. I turn to him. He focused on the gull. His concentration is absolute. The only thing that exists for him in the world is that gull.


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    For too long Jason was the only one who existed in my world. I wrapped my life and my identity around him. Now, I am having to rediscover myself and it is painful work. On the shore I see an elderly couple walking arm in arm keeping each other steady as they walk. She wears a faded gauze dress and he is wearing cut off khaki¡¯s and a green t-shirt. Though I know absolutely nothing about them, I envy them and the long life I assume they have lived together. I see the woman turn and smile at the man. The love in her eyes is obvious and deep. It isn¡¯t young love, but it is time tested love. I wonder if I will ever know that kind of love.At this moment I am too afraid to hope.


    I look further down the beach. A man is running. His gait is familiar. He sees me and waves. Hae-in? It is, but he has cut his hair. Why?

 Chapter 21. Second Hand News

    I watch Hae-in run down the beach. His ponytail doesn¡¯t swing behind him anymore and for some reason this makes me sad. I gather my things and pick up Gong Yoo because he refuses to walk. Apparently he has met his step goal for the day.I head for the house.When I get to the drive, Gong Yoo leaps out of my arms and races to the front door and starts yapping to be let in. Auntie Ji An opens the door. Gong Yoo disappears inside.


    I put on a smile as I take the steps. Auntie Ji An asks, ¡°You okay?¡±


    My fake smile didn¡¯t work. I drop it and shake my head. ¡°Mom called.¡±


    ¡°Oh. What about?¡±


    ¡°Jason. She said, he thinks he made a mistake.¡±


    She frowns. ¡°About you?¡±


    I nod.


    This time she shakes her head. ¡°She should have kept that information to herself. What do you think about what she said he said?¡±


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    I sigh before I answer. ¡°I think my mom needs to mind her own business and I need Jason to do more than think.¡± Tears pool in my eyes. Silently, Auntie Ji An takes me into her arms. The waterworks start. Does Mom really think I would risk my heart on second hand news? Does Jason think I will? I won¡¯t. Bitterness and hurt spill into the vacant place Jason left inside of me.


    Auntie Ji An releases me and looks directly into my eyes. She says, ¡°You are going to get through this.¡±


    Will I?


    Though I didn¡¯t say the question out loud, Auntie Ji And says, ¡°Yes you will.¡±


    *


    It is after midnight and I still haven¡¯t put on my pjs. I am sitting at my bedroom window looking at the stars.Out here, so far away from ambient light they are large and bright. A small breeze sets my hair to fluttering. It beckons me to join the night.Careful not to make a sound I creep to the front door. As quietly as I can, I open the door. I am not quiet enough. I hear Gong Yoo¡¯s toe nails clicking across the floor. I try to get out quickly, but I don¡¯t manage it. He slips passed me onto the porch.


    Gong Yoo hops into the swing and I join him. The air is heavy and humid tonight. I lean back and set the swing in motion. I hear someone running up the drive. It is Hae-in. How much does he run in a day? Gong Yoo leaps off the swing and rushes toward him barking. Quickly Hai-in picks the dog up and scolds, ¡°Hush!¡± Unapologetic, Gong Yoo snorts but doesn¡¯t try to get free. Hae-in looks at me in the porch light and asks, ¡°Can¡¯t sleep?¡±


    ¡°Yup.¡±


    ¡°Mind if I join you?¡±


    My heart skips half a beat. ¡°No, I don¡¯t mind.¡±


    I watch him climb the porch steps. He is near, and then nearer. He doesn¡¯t smell of Old Spice, but of sweat and salt.

 Chapter 22. Of Rocks and Swings

    The swing tips when he sits down. He is almost as close to me as he was on the airplane, only I had no idea who he was then. Now, now I know. We have a history of sorts, a history that is growing. How far will it grow? How far do I want it to grow?


    For several seconds we sit in silence.I wonder if he has someone in his life. Who are they? What does they look like? Are they Korean or American? I know he grew up in the States like me. Of course I don¡¯t ask any of these questions aloud.Hae-inshifts his weight. Gong Yoo curls up between us.A cool breeze travels across my skin.The nearness of Hae-in makes me slightly uneasy. I am not sure why.


    Hae-in breaks our silence. ¡°I saw you drawing today. What are you working on?¡±


    ¡°Rocks.¡±


    He chuckles softly and says, ¡°You still do that.¡±


    Yes I still do that. I used to draw rocks when I was secretly (I thought) watching him run on the beach when we were kids. I can¡¯t believe he did noticed my thirteen year old self. I am embarrassed and touched at the same time. Silence settles over us again and then the silence is broken. Like a demon rising from Hell, Gong Yoo leaps off the porch yowling and darts across the yard.


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    Hae-in goes after him.


    In the bushes I see glowing eyes. A rabbit? A cat?


    The front door opens and Auntie Ji An comes out. She hisses, ¡°Gong Yoo get your tiny ass back in the house.¡±


    The little dog stops in mid howl. He looks back. His bulgy eyes reflect the porch light. With his tale between his legs he runs back to the porch. Hae-in follows behind.Auntie Ji An opens the screen and Gong Yoo trots obediently inside. Before she goes into the house she tells us, ¡°Night, you two.¡± Do I detect a lilt in her voice? The door closes behind her.


    Hae-in doesn¡¯t sit down beside me. Is he going back to his granny¡¯s? I realize I don¡¯t want him to. He asks, ¡°Do you still like to swing on swings?¡±


    So, he remembers that too. ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°There is a new set at the elementary school where your auntie works. Want to go give them a try?¡±


    I do very much. ¡°Yes.¡±


    Side by side we walk the few blocks to the Wong Son Elementary where Auntie Ji An is a teacher¡¯s aide. Like all the buildings on the island, the school is sturdy and impervious to storms. I see the swings and I am thrilled. The chains are long. I run to one and plop into it. I push my self back as far as I can and begin. Hae-in takes the swing beside me. I pump up and then back getting higher and higher. Hae-in matches my pace. The motion blows my hair back. I stretch out as far as I can and I feel the delicious sensation of reaching the limit of my chains. I fall back and glance sideways. Hae-in is falling with me. Joy like I have not known in months fills me. I am happy.

 Chapter 23. Fragile Joy

    On our way back I am completely aware of Hae-in in a way I have not been before. It is a peculiar feeling I am not sure I want. To distract myself I begin totalk of small things like the sound of the crickets and the humidity of the night. Nothing personal. I still don¡¯t know what job he interviewed for, I don¡¯t know what he does for a living or where he lives, but I realize I don¡¯t want to know. Not now. I don¡¯t want to talk about past or future. I just want to be with this man in this moment on this road.


    I do have one question though that niggles at me. His hair. I miss it. He¡¯s attractive without it, but with it¡­heart stopper, well at least for me. There is a lull in the conversation and I ask, ¡°Why did you cut your hair?¡±


    ¡°Oh, that.¡± He rubs his hand over his closely cropped hair. ¡°I grow it out and donate it to an organization that makes wigs for cancer patients and survivors.¡±


    This was not the answer I expected. ¡°Oh, that¡¯s really cool.¡±


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    His voice becomes serious. ¡°I do it for them, but I also do it for me. It reminds me that my life is precious and I should never take it for granted.¡±


    I sense there is a story behind those words, but I don¡¯t push. If he wants me to tell me more he will tell me more. In the distance I see the porch lights of Neighbor Song and Auntie Ji An. We are almost there, but I don¡¯t want to be there, I want to keep walking with Hae-in.


    When we reach the driveway Hae-in pauses and says, ¡°We will have to do this again.¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡±


    His eyes meet mine. ¡°Good night.¡±


    ¡°Good night.¡± He heads for the side yard, while I go to the porch. As soon as I turn the door knob, Gong Yoo explodes into a yipping bark. I rush inside and scoop him up. He goes silent. For a long moment he stares at me and then he starts wiggling in my arms. I put him down. He marches out of the front room like the castle guard.


    I make may way swiftly to my room and close the door. I don¡¯t want to risk a conversation with Auntie Ji An. This fragile joy I feel is something I want to protect. I don¡¯t know how long it will last. I don¡¯t want to think about where it leads. I just want to hold it gently while it is with me.

 Chapter 24. The Hand of Fate

    The next morning I am awakened by the sound of Auntie Ji An singing. She can¡¯t hold a tune but she makes up for it in exuberance. She¡¯s in a good mood. I take a shower before I join her. When I go into the kitchen, Neighbor Song is there. On the kitchen counter are the ingredients for Gungjung tteokbokki. It isn¡¯t the red spicy kind that was created after the Korean War. It is the Imperial Court kind that is mild. I am not a fan, because its too much like eating straight up vegetables. Both women smile. I detect curiosity in their smiles. I am determined to dodge any questions they might have about where Hai-in and I went last night.


    At the counter, Neighbor Song holds out her hands to me. I go to her and take them. Her bright old eyes look up at me. I have loved this woman my whole life. She says to me point blank, ¡°Hae-in¡¯s heart is lonely.¡± Okay? How do I respond to this? Next she says, ¡°And your heart is lonely too.¡± I glance at Auntie Ji An. Did she tell Neighbor Song about Jason? AuntieJi An shrugs and doesn¡¯t admit to a thing. Neighbor Song continues, ¡°It is fate that you both came to the Island for solace. Hae-in thinks he wants to live here, but I know better.¡± With that last bit of information she releases my hands.


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    I have no idea what to say, so I go pour myself a cup of morning tea. Auntie Ji An resumes cutting mushrooms, while Neighbor Song turns her attention to finely slicing bell peppers. I take my tea out onto the porch and sit down on the swing. Why on earth did Neighbor Song tell me all that? While I am slightly irritated with Neighbor Song, I can¡¯t help myself, I am thankful that Hae-in is also unattached. However, I now no longer think the two of us being here at the same time is just due to the hand of fate. I suspect my fate got a nudge from the two women in the kitchen.


    The screen door opens. Auntie Ji An says, ¡°Neighbor Song has invited us for dinner tonight. We are going to watch Seabok.¡± The K-drama movie stars Auntie Ji An¡¯s favorite actor, Gong Yoo and mine, Park Bo Gum.


    Dog Gong Yoo wanders onto the porch and sniffs. He seems suspicious of something in the air. I too am suspicious. Auntie Ji An didn¡¯t ask me if I cared to join them for dinner, she told me we are going. I see a glint of mischief in her eyes. Does that mean Hae-in will be there too? A bubble of joy starts to rise inside of me. I try to tamp it down. It continues to rise anyway. I say, ¡°Sounds fun.¡±


    She winks at me and says, ¡°It will be.¡±

 Chapter 25. What to Wear

    What to wear? Why do I care? Don¡¯t, won¡¯t answer that question. I stand before the mirror looking at myself. My wardrobe is limited to what fit in my duffle bag. I go over my options. When one is running away one does not think about fashion. One only thinks about leaving. Auntie Ji An enters the room. She cocks her head and looks at the black dress I am wearing and asks, ¡°Going to a funeral?¡±


    I look at her reflection in the mirror and say, ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°Come to my wardrobe, I might have something you like.¡±


    I doubt this very seriously, but I follow her to her room. It is a quaint room with a single mattress on the floor. Her walls are covered with framed signed photos of the real Gong Yoo. On her dresser is a small framed photo of a young man in fishing togs. Auntie Ji An opens up her large wooden wardrobe. It is filled with the dresses she wears to work. She likes bright colors and prints. Nothing looks remotely wearable to me, until she pulls out a lovely cotton sundress with little daisys embroidered on it. It is beautiful. She hands it to me and asks, ¡°What about this?¡±


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    ¡°Will it fit?¡± I take it from her.


    ¡°It should.¡±


    I go back to my room accompanied by Gong Yoo. When I slip on the dress, it feels right. It isn¡¯t a fairy princess dress but it feels like one to me. I make a small twirl. The skirt flutters out like the petals of a flower. Its perfect.


    *


    I am nervous as we make our way across the yard to Neighbor Song¡¯s. My palms are sweating and my heart is not keeping its usual rhythm. I don¡¯t even know if a certain someone is going to be there and I don¡¯t ask. Still I am encouraged by the light in Auntie¡¯s eyes.


    Without knocking Auntie Ji An enters Neighbor¡¯s Song¡¯s home. The house smells of fresh cabbage. It always has. Little has changed inside. In the front room is a a traditional low table with cushions.It already has side dishes of various pickled vegetables on it. Against the wall is a small pea green sofa and a camp chair. The only luxuries in this house are the flat screen TV and a game system. On the wall above the sofa is Neighbor Song¡¯s wedding picture. Mr. Song is with her. I see bits of Hae-in in both their young faces. Suddenly, I miss Mr. Song. I called him, Ahjussi. He was a quiet sweet man almost ten years older than Neighbor Song. I am sure she has missed him terribly these last few years.


    From the kitchen Neighbor Song calls, ¡°We are in here.¡±


    We, she said we. I smooth out my dress and follow Auntie Ji An. At the sink stands Hae-in. He is wearing khaki¡¯s and a button up pink shirt. He smiles at me. Warmth travels through me. I feel myself blush, regardless, I force myself to make eye contact with him. I am not disappointed.

 Chapter 26. Night

    On the sofa, I sit wedged between Auntie Ji An and Hae-in. Auntie Ji An is pressed up against me. I am trying very hard not to make purposeful contact with Hae-in, though I am curious how touching him would feel. While Auntie Ji An¡¯s eyes are riveted on the TV screen watching the real Gong Yoo, Neighbor Song is in the camp chair crocheting. I think she has her hearing aids turned down or off. I am trying to watch the TV, I absolutely love Park Bo Gum, but I am too distracted to focus on him. My mind is racing with stupid questions like, If I do touch Hae-in and I do feel something, will it be just because I am a love starved on the rebound desperate woman? I¡¯m giving myself a head ache.


    Finally, the movie is over. Auntie Ji An has her usual Gong Yoo glow about her. In a daze she stands up and twirls. She hugs herself and says, ¡°In my next life, I will marry Gong Yoo.¡±


    Neighbor Song remembers her hearing aids and turns them up. ¡°What?¡±


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    Auntie Ji An doesn¡¯t repeat herself. She just smiles. To me she says, ¡°I¡¯m heading back. See you later.¡±


    God, she is so obvious.


    Neighbor Song gets up and tells Hae-in, ¡°I¡¯m worn out. Heading for bed. See you later.¡±


    Both women spontaneously disappear. I don¡¯t know what to do.


    Hae-in stands. I stare up at him unsure of him and myself. I feel like I am thirteen. I feel like I am going to throw up. Good God, I think too much, feel too much. He asks, ¡°Want to go for a walk?¡±


    I very much do but I can¡¯t seem to find my voice. With heart pounding I manage to nod. I stand up so abruptly I loose my balance. His hand grips my elbow and rights me. We are so close he could kiss me. Do I want him to kiss me? Fear gushes through me.I¡¯m too raw to risk any kind of rejection, present or future.He releases my elbow. I mumble, ¡°Thanks.¡± My mouth has gone dry. Moments are racing and dragging at the same time. He takes a step back from me. I literally feel his warmth leave me.He goes to the door and I follow. Like two nervous children, we step into the night.The gravel of the drive crunches beneath our feet. We hit the pavement of the road. Silently we pass from one circle of street light to the next. It feels like going from one island to another. We are headed for the lighthouse. Its beacon strobes the surrounding area. Light, dark, light, dark.

 Chapter 27. Running

    When we reach the pilings, something skitters at my feet. Its a huge rat! I let out a gasp. The thing is almost as big as dog Gong Yoo. In my terror I latch on to Hae-in¡¯sarm.


    Softly he says, ¡°Just be still, he¡¯ll go away.¡± I shudder and close my eyes.The sound of the waves crashing against the pilings fills my ears.Several moments pass before Hae-in tells me, ¡°He¡¯s gone.¡±


    With eyes still closed, I ask, ¡°Gone where?¡±


    ¡°Into the pilings. You can open your eyes.¡±


    I open my eyes. I feel unsteady and afraid. I hate rats. ¡°What if he jumps out at us?¡±


    Hae-in¡¯s tone changes a little. He says, ¡°He won¡¯t. We can go back if you like.¡±


    I don¡¯t want to go back. I let go of his arm even though I don¡¯t want to. I tell him, ¡°No, it¡¯s okay.¡±


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    It is too dark for me to make out the features of his face, but it feels like he is smiling at me, so I smile back. We make our way to the lighthouse.It is beautiful in the night. My older brother fell in love with this lighthouse when we were kids. Now he is a lighthouse keeper in Maine. Strange how what we loved as kids can guide usinto our adult lives. As if he read my thoughts Hae-in asks, ¡°How¡¯s your brother?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s good. You guys were friends weren¡¯t you?¡±


    ¡°We are friends. We play on line games from time to time.¡± I didn¡¯t know this. His voice drops ever so slightly when he adds, ¡°It¡¯s been a while though.¡±


    The image of twelve year old Sam and Hae-in sitting on Neighbor Song¡¯s floor playing some RPG with machine guns comes to mind. They didn¡¯t even notice me back then, and I couldn¡¯t have cared less.


    We reach the lighthouse. It is a powerful symbol not only for my brother but for me. On those lonely nights when I was thirteen and couldn¡¯t sleep I would watch it for hours just trying to get through another long night. I was also waiting, praying for a glimpse of Hae-in. Suddenly. I hear myself asking, ¡°Did your granny or gramps know you snuck out at night when you were seventeen?¡±


    Now that we are in the street lamps near the lighthouse, I can see his face. A smile quirks his lips. He says, ¡°No. She was starting to loose her hearing then and gramps slept like a log. I didn¡¯t now any one knew.¡± He is looking at me with intensity. I feel like I have said too much. I feel like I have just outed my thirteen year old self. He turns his attention to the waves and says, ¡°I guess that was a tough summer for both of us.¡±


    Until this moment it never occurred to me that his running might be more than a habit. Was it a coping skill? If so why is he running this summer?


    Without looking at me he tells, ¡°I don¡¯t know if I could have survived that summer without you around.¡±

 Chapter 28. At Seventeen

    Everything inside of me gets very still. His confession has rendered me speechless. I had no idea. The silence in the air, doesn¡¯t feel right. I don¡¯t want him to think his words were caught by the wind and tossed away. I say, ¡°I felt the same.¡±


    He turns to me. His eyes are bright. So many questions fill my mind. Why was that a bad summer for him too? What was going on in his seventeen year old life? I wait for him to say more. In teaching I have learned that too many questions can cause a vulnerable person to shut down. I don¡¯t want that to happen now. Finally he speaks, ¡°My best friend was killed in a car accident. I was devastated. My parents thought it would be best if I had a change of scenery so they sent meto Korea.¡± His voice drops, ¡°At the time I was so angry and hurt that no one gave me a say, like I was a baby. I hated my parents. Now, I know my parents were doing their best to help me. They were both working and couldn¡¯t keep an eye on me. Granny and Gramps could. My parents were right, I didn¡¯t need to be alone that summer.¡±


    A memory flits through my mind. Seventeen year old Hae-in is mowing the yards. His face glistens with sweat. His nose is red. I am watching him from Auntie Ji An¡¯s front porch. He sees me. A tear slides down his cheek. He brushes it away and smiles.


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    Beside me, the current Hae-in shoves his hands in his pockets. He tells me, ¡°You were so cute, and still a kid. I wanted to be a kid again. I didn¡¯t want to be seventeen. I wanted it to be before everything went wrong. I wanted my friend back. Having you randomly pop up every day helped me more than I can say. Every time you smiled, a little of your light seeped into me.¡±He lets out a slow sigh.


    In this moment it means so much to me that I was of some help to him. I say, ¡°Thanks for telling me that. I was worried that I was a total nuisance.¡±


    ¡°Nope you weren¡¯t. You were a friend to me that summer.¡± His eyes hold mine. At the time, I didn¡¯t even know I qualified as his friend.


    Of its own accord my hand reaches for his arm. My hand slips around his bicep. This could make things suddenly awkward, but I don¡¯t remove my hand. I tell him, ¡°Thank you for being so kind to me then and now.¡±


    The light in his eyes softens. He says, ¡°You are welcome.¡±He takes my hand. I like the way his callouses feel. I like the strength of his blunt fingers. He places my hand in the crook of his arm. I am steadied. Slowly, we make our way to the edge of the pier. The water catches the beams of the lighthouse. The waves crash against the pilings. A stray thought flits through me mind. It is night, I am by the water and I am with Hae-in. My thirteen year old dream has been realized.

 Chapter 29. The Scent of Rain

    With my hand on his arm, I feel connected to something greater than myself that I can¡¯t define. For the first time in months, the pain in my heart has ebbed. A future of hopes and dreams comes barreling out of my imagination. I stop them. I am not thirteen, and I don¡¯t have to survive on dreams and wishes.I will not tempt any future. I don¡¯t know what comes next or if anything comes next. I choose to be here now. I choose not to let the fear of getting hurt or disappointed ruin the minute I am living. This minute is good. A strong man stands beside me. I feel his strength travel from his skin into mine. A peace settles over me. My heart is not racing, I am not giddy or even excited. I am content. I don¡¯t know if I¡¯ve ever felt content before.


    For a long while we stand watching the waves, the stars, the clouds. I feel like we are in a kaleidoscope of water and sky. Hae-in tells me, ¡°This is my favorite view. Back home, when I am restless or sad I think of this place and I am comforted.¡±


    His words are unifying. I tell him, ¡°I do too.¡± To think all these years our source of comfort is the same. What else do we share?


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    On the horizon we see a flash of lightening in the distance. The waves are becoming rougher. A storm is brewing. A cold gust of air hits us. Hae-in says, ¡°We best get back.¡±


    With my hand still on his arm, we make our way home. The wind is picking up. Soon it will be howling. One by one we pass through the lights. Too soon we can see Auntie Ji An¡¯s house. Sooner still, we are in the drive. Soon, I will have to release his arm and I don¡¯t want to. We stop at Auntie Ji An¡¯s porch. I let go of his arm. I feel a ridiculous sense of desolation. He smiles at me and says, ¡°Night.¡±


    ¡°Night.¡± I watch him go down the steps. I watch him until he disappears inside Neighbor Song¡¯s house. I remain on the porch. The lightening is getting closer and I hear the distant rumble of thunder. I sit down on the porch swing to watch the storm come in. I have never feared storms, but I have always respected them. A sheet of rain races across the yard. The drops are big and splash loudly on the roof. Inside Gong Yoo begins to howl. He must not like storms. The scent of rain has always calmed me. I take in a deep breath and close my eyes.


    The front door bangs open. Auntie Ji An says, ¡°Get in this house now!¡± I open my eyes and I see her fear and I remember why she is afraid of storms.

 Chapter 30. The Storm

    This isn¡¯t just a thunder storm, it is a full fledged wild storm that is growing. I feel the air pressure shift. The force of the wind pounds the house. The electricity has gone out. This is beyond my level of serenity. There isn¡¯t any phone service. The lantern in the window next door lets us know Neighbor Song and Hae-in are alright. I pray my mother hasn¡¯t heard anything about this storm she will only worry. The wind whistles around the house like a shrieking demon. We are huddled in the bathroom. Gong Yoo is shaking so hard I fear for his heart. Auntie Ji An has her prayer beads. One by one the Buddhist beads click. I don¡¯t have my Rosary but I am repeating each line of it in my head.


    We hear the roar of a train, only it isn¡¯t a train, its a water spout transformed into a tornado! Auntie Ji An takes Gong Yoo into the shower stall and I join them. My heart hammers hard inside of me as we crouch down together. The thing shrieks. We hear debris striking the house. A window shatters, and then another. Gong Yoo howls. I want to howl too. How long is this going to last? The sound spins away and suddenly all we can hear is rain. Heavy hard rain. We wait in the shower fearful another tornado might be spawned. The wind suddenly stops shrieking, the rain becomes less violent.


    From the front room Hae-in calls out in English, ¡°Are y¡¯all okay?¡±


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    In unison, Auntie Ji An and I shout, ¡°Yes!¡±


    The bathroom door opens. The beam of a flashlight sweeps the room.Hae-in enters. He is wearing a fisherman¡¯s rain coat and hat. He puts the flashlight on the toilet tank and comes to the shower. He reaches for Auntie Ji An. She hands Gong Yoo off to me. The little dog is breathing hard. Hae-in takes Aunties¡¯s arm and helps her out of the shower. He tells her, ¡°You have lost some windows. We didn¡¯t get any damage. Granny wants me take you to her.¡±


    ¡°Okay,¡± Auntie Ji An clings to Hae-in for a moment before she turns to me for Gong Yoo. I hand the little dog over.


    I watch Hae-in offer his arm to me. I latch onto it harder than I did when I saw that rat. I am shaking. For just a moment, he pulls me close and says, ¡°Its gonna be okay.¡± I nod and he releases me. I look up at him. His eyes are full of concern and relief. He picks up the flash light and grabs hold of Auntie Ji An¡¯s right elbow. She is unsteady. We head down the hall.


    Auntie Ji An says, ¡°I need to get my meds.¡± Hae-in flashes the light in her room. The windows are intact. She gets her medication and an overnight bag. She tells me, ¡°You best get some stuff too.¡± We all head into my room. Auntie Ji An lets out a low groan when she sees the room. The window is gone. Glass shards sparkle in the light. My pallet is covered in them. The wardrobe doors have been blown open. I glance at the chest of drawers. By some miracle, Emily¡¯s card is still there. It didn¡¯t get blown away and I am grateful.

 Chapter 31. Damage

    Softly Auntie Ji An cries. Over the course of her life she had endured many storms and cried many tears after they passed. Hae-in puts his arm around her shoulder and gives her a squeeze. My back pack has been tossed on the floor. My clothes are scattered and wet. I have nothing to wear. By another miracle, my iPad is still on the bedside table. I pick it up. The white rectangle of light appears. It is working and fully charged! We head into the hall. In the front room the windows, curtains and all have been sucked out. The room looks like and angry child has tossed all their toys around. Gong Yoo lets out another howl. Auntie Ji An pulls him close and says, ¡°I know baby. I know.¡± We put on our rain coats.


    Outside, some of the trees have been knocked over. A small skiff has been dumped in the front yard. The rain is still falling. Neighbor Song¡¯s house is whole. A flash of lightening reveals that her vegetable garden has been flattened. Her garden shed is gone. Tornados are such strange freaks of nature. On the front porch, Neighbor Song is waiting,holding a lantern. Auntie Ji An sees her and lets go of Hae-in. Heedless of the debris, she runs to the porch. Hae-in and I follow. Neighbor Song scolds, ¡°Slow down Ji An before you break your neck.¡± Auntie Ji An doesn¡¯t slow down. She rushes up the steps and throws her arms around Neighbor Song. She is sobbing. Neighbor Song holds her tight for a moment and then says, ¡°Come inside my love.¡± Obediently, Auntie Ji An follows her inside.


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    When I reach the porch, I feel a hand on my elbow. Hae-in steers me up the steps and into the house. Everything is dark inside except for the pool of lantern light on the table. Hae-in is still holding my elbow. He asks, ¡°Are you okay?¡±


    Unable to speak, I shake my head. He puts an arm around my shoulder. Instinctively, I lean into him. I am trembling. I do okay with storms, its the after math that I am not any good at. Hae-in pulls me close. He smells of rain.


    Neighbor Song clucks her tongue. ¡°You need to chuck your shoes and go towel off.¡±


    I don¡¯t want to move, I just want to stay where I am in the comfort of Hae-in. I feel his arm slide away from me. I don¡¯t dare look at him, my eyes will say too much. With flashlight in hand Hae-in leads Auntie Ji An and Ito the bathroom.


    A candle is flickering by the sink. Hae-in closes the door and leaves us. Auntie Ji An hands Gong Yoo to me and reaches for towels. My teeth are chattering. Once we are dry, she hands me one of her grandma nightgowns. I slip it on. Quietly, Auntie Ji An continues to cry. When she was young her fianc¨¦ worked on a fishing boat. A storm hit and the entire crew was lost. I wonder if she is thinking of him now.

 Chapter 32. After

    There is a knock at the front door. I hear Hae-in¡¯s voice and then Dong Jo¡¯s voice. Dong Jo is the ice vendor at the fish market. Auntie Ji An rushes out of the bathroom leaving me with Gong Yoo. The little dog is so shaken up by all that has happened, he doesn¡¯t even realize he has been left. I pick him up and head into the front room. Dong Jo is a sturdy man with thick arms. Hae-in is putting on his rain coat and boots. Neighbor Song hugs him and says, ¡°Do be careful.¡±


    Hae-in kisses her forehead and says, ¡°I will.¡±


    I ask, ¡°What is going on?¡±


    Dong Jo tells me, ¡°The fish market was hit. Its a mess.¡± He asks Hae-in, ¡°Ready?¡±


    Hae-in nod and says, ¡°Yes sir.¡±


    I start to say I will help, but before I can, Hae-in asks me, ¡°Could you make Granny some tea?¡± I glance in her direction. She and Auntie Ji An are huddled together.


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    ¡°Of course I will.¡±


    There is gratitude in his smile. ¡°Thanks.¡± He heads out into the night with Dong Jo.


    After some milk tea, the three, well four of us counting Gong Yoo, lay down on Neighbor Song¡¯s pallet. We are literally like sardines in a can. Honestly, I don¡¯t like being so close to people, but here I am. Neighbor Song is between Auntie Ji An and I. Gong Yoo has curled himself up under the blanket beside me. He is softly snoring. I pick up my phone. We still don¡¯t have service. This makes me uneasy. I pray for the village and for those helping the people whose homes and property are damaged. I pray for Hae-in and Dong Jo.


    *


    At some point in time my weary mind and body fell asleep. When I awaken I hear Auntie Ji An and Neighbor Song in the kitchen. I don¡¯t hear Hae-in¡¯s voice. Is he gone or sleeping? I stretch and look around. None of the lights are on, we still don¡¯t have electricity and may not have it for awhile. I get up and head for the kitchen. Hae-in¡¯s door is open. He¡¯s not there. I walk into the kitchen. Both women are seated at the low table. They smile at me. In unison they say, ¡°Good morning.¡±


    Is it good? I respond, ¡°Good Morning.¡±


    Neighbor Song asks, ¡°Hungry?¡±


    ¡°A little.¡±


    ¡°Juk?¡±


    ¡°Yes. I can get it.¡± I go to the gas stove and open a pot. The aroma of Juk fills the air. My stomach might want to eat after all. I spoon the rice porridge in my bowl and set down with the ladies. Gong Yoo is in the corner devouring his dog food. Slowly I eat the porridge. The warmth of it spreads through my body and makes me feel better.


    The front door opens. A very weary Hae-in enters the kitchen.


    *Juk - chicken rice porridge

 Chapter 33. Muscles

    Neighbor Song quickly stands and crosses the distance between them. She puts her arms around her grandson and he hugs her tight. She releases him and asks, ¡°Are you hungry?¡±


    ¡°No, just tired.¡± He looks exhausted. For a brief moment his eyes meet mine. He gives Auntie Ji An and I a slight bow and goes to his room. He is home, he is safe and that is all that matters.


    Suddenly the wall phone rings. I forgot Neighbor Song still has land line. She answers the phone, ¡°Oh Gigi, its so good to hear your voice. We are all safe and sound, Ye-Seoul is right here.¡± She motions for me to take the phone.


    I put the phone to my ear. ¡°Hey Mom.¡±


    My mother immediately starts crying. I don¡¯t try to shush her or comfort her. I tell her, ¡°I am okay. We are okay. Three windows blew out of the house.¡± Mom says nothing just continues to cry, so I keep talking. Auntie Ji An comes over and whispers, ¡°Give me the phone.¡± I do. I can never handle my mother¡¯s tears. Someday I hope I can, but today is not the day.


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    As soon as Auntie Ji An hangs up we get another call. This time it is Hae-in¡¯s parents. Neighbor Song tells the story of the storm calmly. There are not any tears. The call is brief and ends with, ¡°I love you too.¡±


    *


    Since the electricity is not on, and the water pump isn¡¯t working, we must make do with boiling barreled rainwater. My weary mind and body are longing for a warm shower. Instead, I bathe the old fashioned way, with a basin of water, wash cloth and a bar of soap. The half bath refreshes me. Just being clean helps. I put on Neighbor Song¡¯s wrinkled flower pants and one of Auntie Ji-an¡¯s floral T-shirts. I look like a walking sofa as I make my way down the hall. Due to our lack of electricity, the door to Hae-in¡¯s room is open for air circulation from the windows. Unable to help myself, I stop and look in. He is shirtless and sprawled out on his pallet.


    A memory comes to me. I am thirteen. It is early morning. Auntie Ji An sent me to Neighbor Song¡¯s to borrow some cucumbers to make Oi Bokkeum. I knock on her door. Mr. Song calls me inside. When I enter I see Hae-in sound asleep on the floor in front of the TV. A game controller is still in his hand. He is shirtless. Since I have an older brother I have seen many of his friends without shirts, but I find myself fascinated by the muscles on Hae-in¡¯s chest. The urge to touch them comes over me. I am confused. I have never wanted to touch a boy¡¯s muscles before. I feel peculiar.


    I return to the present. I am still fascinated by Hae-in¡¯s muscles. I still want to touch them.


    A hand is placed on my shoulder. In my absorption I didn¡¯t hear Neighbor Song come down the hall. Embarrassed I turn to her. Her smile is gentle. She whispers, ¡°He is beautiful when he sleeps.¡±


    I nod.

 Chapter 34. Repair

    We are at Auntie Ji An¡¯s house. I am helping Hae-in board up the windows. Several damaged homes have been looted. Why people steal from people that have already experienced a loss is something I have never been able to understand. It makes me really angry. I am also sweaty and I am sticky. The mosquito repellant I put on is NOT working. Bites dot my arms and legs. I hope I don¡¯t catch the latest disease carried by mosquitos. The salt from my sweat burns my eyes. Hae-in pounding nails is giving me a headache.


    From the open front door I hear the voices of Neighbor Song and Auntie Ji An. Inside they are setting the house to rights. I let out a sigh and Hae-in asks, ¡°You okay?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    From Neighbor Song¡¯s house comes the mournful howl of Gong Yoo. He is in the kitchen window letting it loose. I wish I could do the same. I want running water, electricity and fans that blow!


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    Hae-in moves a little closer to me. He is rank. If I could hold my nose I would. He catches my expression and laughs. I don¡¯t know what is so funny about being stinky. He tells me, ¡°You know, you don¡¯t smell so sweet either. Just how much bug spray did you put on?¡±


    Stupidly embarrassed, I clam up.


    He moves even closer to me. I push him away. For the brief second my hand makes contact with his skin, I forget about how he smells. My mind is completely focused on how he just made me feel. Why do I have to feel this way?I don¡¯t want to. I really don¡¯t want to. If anything started with Hae-in and didn¡¯t work out, not only would current me be hurt, but thirteen year old me would be devastated. I had so many dreams about that boy and me. Only, he¡¯s not a boy and I¡¯m not thirteen.


    He hammers in the last nail and steps back to admire his handiwork. All the boards are straight and secured. I step beside him. He rubs the top of my head like he did when I was a kid. And I, true to my inner child, lean into the rub like a dog being scratched between the ears. More gently, his hand slides down my hair and brushes against my jaw. His finger comes under my chin and he tilts my face up. For a moment, we just stare at each other.


    The surrounding silence is shattered by the water pump coming on and the delighted squeals of Auntie Ji An and Neighbor Song. Hae-in looks me dead in the eye and says, ¡°We have electricity.¡±


    We do. We definitely do.

 Chapter 35. Once Loved

    I am lost in Hae-in¡¯s eyes. If they are brown, the brown is so dark it is almost black. I see myself reflected in them. At that moment, my phone buzzes. Apparently we also have phone service. I break eye contact with Hae-in and pull my phone out of my pocket. Jason¡¯s picture is on the screen. I press the screen against my chest because I don¡¯t want Hae-in to see who it is. I feel my face go red. So stupid. I start to silence the phone, but then I realize, if Jason doesn¡¯t get in touch with me he will call my mom. I glance at Hae-in and say, ¡°Uh, I better take this.¡±


    Hae-in nods. A frown is forming on his face.


    I turn away from him and head down the drive. I answer. The voice I once loved, asks, ¡°Oh Iz are you okay? I heard about the storm.¡± Jason is the only person who has ever called me Iz.


    A well of conflicting emotions rise inside of me. I reply, ¡°We are okay. Auntie Ji An lost a few windows but everything else is okay.¡±


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    ¡°That¡¯s a relief.¡± He sounds genuine.¡°I am glad you are okay. I¡¯ve missed you.¡±There is a pause as he waits for my response.


    In that moment I realize that I haven¡¯t missed him. I tell him, ¡°Thanks for checking on me. We are really busy. I need to get back to it.¡±


    ¡°Oh, sorry.¡± I can hear the disappointment in his voice. A part of me leans towards being a bit more kind, but another part of me pushes back. He continues, ¡°I will see you when you get home.¡±


    This is not a request, this is an assumption that I will want to see him. I don¡¯t want to see him. In fact if I never saw him again, I would be okay with that. All I say is, ¡°Okay. Bye.¡± I end the call. However, with two short words I have committed myself to a meeting I don¡¯t want. I turn, on the porch Hae-in is looking at me. Beside him is Auntie Ji An. Quickly, I drop my eyes. Whatever my eyes are communicating, it is something I don¡¯t want either of them to see. I pray Auntie Ji An doesn¡¯t ask me who it was. She doesn¡¯t. I feel the cold tingly of panic as it rushes through my body. I don¡¯t want this panic Jason ignited in me. What am I so afraid of? I think I am afraid of going backwards. It has taken months for me to regain my current equilibrium. I don¡¯t want that stolen from me, and worse than that, I don¡¯t want to give it away. NOT THIS TIME.

 Chapter 36. Still Pretty

    I hear the front door bang as Auntie Ji An goes back inside. I need to move. I need to act normal, but all I can do is feel this terrible anger and hurt directed toward myself. I didn¡¯t have to answer the phone. I don¡¯t owe Jason anything, especially not peace of mind about my well being. Where was he when I couldn¡¯t eat or sleep? Where was he when I was crying all the ding damn time? Where was his concern then? And why in the hell is it back now?


    Just as I am about to make my way to the house, a white SUV pulls into the drive. It is Damii. She has her kids with her. Two adorable little boys around two and four are bouncing in their car seats. Through her open window Dami calls out in English, ¡°Are you all okay?¡±


    I tell her, ¡°Yes, how bout ya¡¯ll?¡±


    ¡°We are good too. I feel incredibly and guilty at the same time.¡± Her eyes are focused on Auntie Ji An¡¯s house. She waves at Hae-in on the porch. I don¡¯t watch him wave back. I keep my eyes focused on Dami. The smile Dami shoots in Hae-in¡¯s direction is mega watt. She calls out, ¡°Good to see you! Come meet my boys.¡±


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    I hear Hae-in¡¯s steps on the porch and then coming toward the car. I take in a slow breath. When Hae-in reaches the car, Dami points to her kids and introduces them, ¡°Oldest is Min Jae, little one¡¯s Ji-cheol. Boys say hi.¡± Their sweet piping voices call out a honorific hello. Hae-in and I respond.


    Hae-in says, ¡°I best get back to it.¡± He walks toward the house. My eyes don¡¯t follow him, but Dami¡¯s do. She drops her voice low and says, ¡°Damn he¡¯s still pretty. I wouldn¡¯t let that get away.¡±


    I don¡¯t know what to say.


    Dami reaches out and pinches my arm. ¡°Don¡¯t be shy with him. Cinderella, I could be your fairy godmother, I would be.¡±


    From the back seat the youngest begins to squeal and then the older one bursts into tears. Above the racket, Dami says, ¡°You two should join us for dinner on evening after we get sorted.¡± I hope she means Auntie Ji An and I but she says, ¡°I¡¯ll have Seo call Hae-in.¡±


    Stupidly I ask, ¡°Seo?¡±


    Dami gives me that smile of mischief, I remember so well. She laughs and says, ¡°My husband you goof. I sent you a wedding invitation.¡±


    I don¡¯t know how Hae-in and this Seo, husband person know each other. Besides, what if Hae-in declines their invitation? What if he doesn¡¯t want to go with me? Gently in Korean, Dami says, ¡°Ye Seul stop thinking too much okay?¡±


    I nod.

 Chapter 37. Not Running

    Our electricity flickered off this evening. We have called an electrician. Due to the tornado¡¯s damage it will be an unspecified amount of time before a repair man can come. TonightI am in Hae-in¡¯s room, Hae-in has been relegated to the couch in the front room, while Auntie Ji An and Gong Yoo share Neighbor Song¡¯s room.


    I hear the back door open then close.I wish I had the stamina and the courage to join Hae-in on a run. I wish I had the courage to just talk to him. But, I don¡¯t. Since Jason¡¯s call I have felt off kilter and scared. Jason is a determined man who knows how to play me. Before I came to Korea I would have settled for almost any terms just to have him back. Not now. Jason was my first serious relationship ever. He is a good guy. I could turn him into a monster tonight, because honestly that would make me feel better, only I don¡¯t. Worse, I can¡¯t. Too many memories have crept to the surface of my mind.


    I do miss what was good about us. That good wasn¡¯t enough to keep him with me. This stings. Unable to bear my thoughts any longer, I get up and go to the kitchen. Some hot honey tea might soothe my upset stomach. Unexpectedly,the back door opens. Hae-in didn¡¯t go for a run.  He takes one look at me and asks, ¡°Are you okay?¡±


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    I find I can¡¯t speak. All I can do is shake my head. He crosses the distance between us. Without thought or reservations I step into his arms. He pulls me close. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around him. I feel the panic I have felt since Jason¡¯s call begin to ease. The comfort of Hae-in begins to pull me out of the funk I put myself into. His hand strokes the back of my head. I don¡¯t move, I just hold on tighter. I have so missed being held by a man.I feel the tightness in my chest uncoil, but I don¡¯t let go and he doesn¡¯t let go either. I look up at him. His smile is gentle. He asks, ¡°How do you feel now?¡±


    I whisper, ¡°Better. Thank you.¡±


    He doesn¡¯t ask what¡¯swrong. He waits. I hear myself telling him, ¡°The call I got today was from my ex. I think he wants us to get back together.¡±


    Hae-in¡¯s expression changes ever so slightly when he asks, ¡°What do you want?¡±


    At this moment, I want Hae-in. I don¡¯t say that though. I say, ¡°I just want to move forward. I know it is over and that makes me sad.¡±


    He doesn¡¯t say a word, he just pulls me closer.

 Chapter 38. Morning

    Tiny toe nails click across the floor. Gong Yoo! Hae-in and I break apart. Auntie Ji An is right behind him. She gives us a look over. I know I am bright pink. She points at Gong Yoo and says, ¡°Somebody has a really tiny bladder.¡± They head out the back door.


    Hae-in tells me, ¡°I best get to bed. If you need anything, let me know.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡± I head to his room, wishing with all my heart he could follow me. I flop down on the pallet and stare at the ceiling. I can hear Auntie Ji An talking to Hae-in as she makes her way back to Neighbor Song¡¯s bedroom. Hae-in goes into the bathroom to clean up before he goes to bed. I see him pass through the hall, he doesn¡¯t even glance in my direction. I am disappointed. For a long while I lay waiting¡­waiting for the house to be quiet and asleep¡­waiting for the subtle sound of Hae-in¡¯s game console to turn on. I don¡¯t hear it. Unable to turn off my brain, I get up and do my best to be noiseless as I make my way to the front room. The TV is not on. Hae-in is fast asleep on the couch. Moonlight seeps through the front window. I see the outline of his face. He stirs in his sleep and I scurry back to his room. I lay down and wait for sleep to never come, only it does.


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    *


    I awaken the next morning to the smell of fried eggs and bacon. I hear Neighbor Song¡¯s voice and Hae-in¡¯s. They are speaking Korean. Neighbor Song knows a little English, but not much. She doesn¡¯t call me Izzy, she always calls me Ye-Seul. I go to the bath room to make myself somewhat presentable. When I look in the mirror my reflection surprises me. The sadness that has haunted my eyes for months is gone. I smile at myself. I brush my teeth and head for the kitchen.


    When I enter, everyone, even Gong Yoo turns to me. I smile at each of them, my eyes linger on Hae-in. He is dressed and ready to go help out at the market. I was really hoping for some time with him today. He hugs his granny, waves at Auntie Ji An and I. The three of us watch him head out the door. He gets on the old bicycle he rode when he was a kid and heads for the Market. Neighbor Song sighs and shakes her head. Auntie Ji An tells her, it will work out you will see.¡±


    Neighbor Song doesn¡¯t respond.


    What will work out? Is something wrong?

 Chapter 39. About Neighbor Song

    Friday afternoon by a miracle named Dong Jo, Auntie Ji An, Gong Yoo and I are back in her house. Dong Jo got the repairman who was working on the market to check out Auntie Ji An¡¯s electrical issue. The problem was not hard to solve. Just an hour and some replacement parts and it was fixed. I was not happy about Dong Jo setting us to rights. I didn¡¯t want to leave Neighbor Song¡¯s. To have Hae-in so close¡­was good. To wake up and see him first thing in the morning was good. I don¡¯t even let myself think about how much I will miss him when I go home.


    This evening the air is cool outside.Auntie Ji An, Neighbor Song, Gong Yoo and I sit on the porch swing lost in our own thoughts. We share a weary peace as the swing glides back and forth.I hear the back door of Neighbor Song¡¯s house open. My heart rate increases. I hear the crunch of gravel. It is Hae-in. He comes to us. In a flat voice hetells his granny, ¡°Since the bank I applied to was hit by the tornado, they aren¡¯t taking any new hires and they may not be able to open for quite a while.¡±


    Softly Neighbor Song says, ¡°I am sorry that happened. As I have said all along, it would be best if you went back home.¡±


    He replies, ¡°I¡¯m not leaving you. I will find something else.¡±


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    Neighbor Song straightens up on the porch swing. ¡°Don¡¯t you worry about me. I will manage.¡±


    Hae-in comes to the swing and takes her hands in his. His eyes are so earnest, I feel tears sting my eyes. With controlled gentleness he says, ¡°I do worry. There is no one to watch over you here, and you know that. Would you please reconsider, moving to Seabrook with me. My apartment is near the water.¡±


    Tears fill her eyes. ¡°No Sweetie, I appreciate your offer, but I¡¯ve lived on Jeju my whole life.¡± Her voice drops and she adds, ¡°I want to die here too.¡±


    Die? Is she that sick? Closely, I examine Neighbor Song. Her skin is not a good color and her eyes are framed in dark circles.


    Hae-in¡¯s kneels down so he is looking her eye to eye. ¡°Please don¡¯t fight me, I will figure this out. I will make it work.¡±


    Her voice breaks when she says, ¡°Oh, my love. You don¡¯t have to do that for me.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not just doing it for you, I¡¯m doing it for me too.¡±


    My eyes travel from Hae-in to Neighbor Song. I see so much love between them that it hurts.


    Hae-in helps his granny up. To Auntie Ji An he says, ¡°If you will excuse us, we have somethings to discuss.¡±


    Auntie Ji An says, ¡°Of course.¡±


    Fear fills me.

 Chapter 40. Begin Again

    I watch Neighbor Song and Hae-in as they pass down the steps. Neighbor Song¡¯sarthritic fingers grip Hae-in¡¯s arm. As soon as they are out of earshot. I whisper, ¡°What is wrong with Neighbor Song?¡±


    ¡°Its her heart. She declined the bi pass.¡±


    Sadness fills me. I ask, ¡°Why?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s seventy-eight years old and she doesn¡¯t want anything keeping her on the planet longer than she wants be here. She also didn¡¯t want to spend what¡¯s left of her life on a bunch of medicine and going to the doctor all the time. In her condition, at her age the success for that that surgery is low. Also, the chance of her dying on the operating table was more than she wanted to risk.¡±


    I struggle to process this information. I know Neighbor Song would not make such a deciesion lightly. I ask, ¡°How long does she have?¡±


    ¡°Hospice doesn¡¯t know for sure. It could be months, or a year, or more.¡±


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    The commitment Hae-in is willing to make for his granny is not a short term one and it will be a tough one to keep.A tear slides down Auntie Ji An¡¯s cheek.I take her in my arms.I now know what has been weighing on Hae-in since I first saw him at the airport and it hurts.


    *


    It¡¯s been a week and a half since the storm and we still haven¡¯t been able to replace the windows.They are on back order, so it will be awhile. After breakfast I go outside. I look across the side yard and seeNeighbor Song in her garden.She sees me and waves me over.Reluctantly, I go to her. I haven¡¯t spent anytime alone with her since I learned she is ill. How do I talk to her now that I know she is ill? When I reach her she looks up at me. The wide brimmed straw hat she wears frames her face. She waves a hand toward a small tray of new plants. ¡°Hae-in found these hidden in a dark corner at the market. Aren¡¯t they beautiful?¡±


    ¡°They are. What are they?¡±


    ¡°Tomatoes plants.¡± For a moment she grows serious and says, ¡°Ji An told me she told you about me.¡± I start to say something but she shakes her head and says, ¡°I¡¯m okay. I am having one of my good days.¡±I am glad she is having one of her good days. She asks, ¡°So, how are you doing?¡±


    I tell her, ¡°Honestly, I can¡¯t say I¡¯m good, but I can say I¡¯m better.¡±


    Neighbor Song breaths in a deeply and exhales slowly. ¡°I¡¯m am glad. I am hoping Hae-in will be better soon. He¡¯s had a tough year. At least helping set the market to rights is keeping him busy. He can¡¯t be out running all the time.¡±


    No, he can¡¯t. I look at the devastated garden. I admire Neighbor Song¡¯s tenacity. There is a pile of ruined vegetables at my feet and yet she has the courage to begin again.

 Chapter 41. Lasting

    I kneel down beside Neighbor Song. She is as calm as Auntie Ji An is flighty. Her calm seeps into me. As we work we talk of simple things and then she takes in a slow breath. I feel her mood change. She pauses in her work and say, ¡°When I dreamed about having grandchildren, in those dreams I only saw sweet little children to love. I never thought about how a grandparent can be the first person to introduce their grandchildren to death, loss and grief. Hae-in was a wreck when his gramps passed. He¡¯s even closer to me, I don¡¯t think he¡¯s up to how this thing with me will play out. I want Hae-in to go home, because I want to spare him the burden of watching me fade away.¡± Her voice drops, ¡°At the same time, I so want him here. Am I selfish?¡±


    This is a very heavy question. I take her garden gloved hand in mine. Her eyes are bright with unshed tears. I tell her, ¡°No, you aren¡¯t selfish. If you were you would deny Hae-in his wish to be with you. Love can mean staying until the end, and from what I can tell, that is the sort of love Hae-in has for you. I pray you can find peace in allowing him to love you as he sees fit.¡±


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    Her hand squeezes mine. ¡°I needed to hear that. It is foolish for me to fight love.¡±


    Silently I think, yes, fighting love, real, lasting love, is foolish.


    *


    Though nothing has been said, I know Auntie Ji An told Neighbor Song about catching Hae-in and I together when we were staying at their house. Both women are very pleased by the prospect of US. As for me, I am trying not to think about it. I don¡¯t succeed at doing that, still I try. Truth is Hae-in and I have not been alone since that night, and he has not made any effort to be with me. Also, he has been working long hours helping repair the market and he hasn¡¯t had time or energy to run. It doesn¡¯t exactly feel like he has pulled away from me, but it also doesn¡¯t feel like he¡¯s made any more steps toward me. I miss him.


    I go onto the front porch followed by Gong Yoo. The sun is hanging low in the sky. Hae-in hasn¡¯t come home yet. Across the way, I see Neighbor Song. She is sitting on the steps with a bowl in her lap snapping green beans. Gong Yoo and I join her. She tells me, ¡°Hae-in should be home soon.¡± I want to be there when he does come home, so I sit down beside her and grab a hand full of beans to snap. One by one I slowly snap the beans. Beside me Neighbor Song has also slowed her green bean snapping pace. I think she is aware of why I am going so slow and she doesn¡¯t mind.

 Chapter 42. Going Out

    A comfortable silence settles between Neighbor Song and I. Like her grandson, she is a person of few words. In the distance I hear a motor bike coming. It sounds like a small one. We look at each other and then back at the drive. A little green scooter is coming down the drive. Hae-in has a red checked helmet on his head. He parks the bike. When he pulls off the helmet, my heart flutters and I suddenly feel very warm. He smiles at us and crosses the yard. He doesn¡¯t look unhappy. In fact he starts whistling ¡°Fire,¡± by BTS. When he reaches us he smiles so big I think his face is going to drop in half. With his thumb he points at the bike, ¡°Well, I got that today and a full time job.¡±


    I sense Neighbor Song working up a happy face. She says, ¡°That is good. What job did you get?¡±


    His smile grows wider. ¡°The Market is up and running and I have been hired as an assistant manager.¡±


    Neighbor Song says, ¡°But you are a bank manager.¡±


    He shrugs and says, ¡°A manager is a manager.¡±


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    This means he is staying in Korea, and in two weeks I am leaving. I look at him and he is looking at me. I am not sure what I see in those eyes. What do I want to see? For a moment everything inside of me gets very still. I tell myself it is a good thing I¡¯m leaving. My heart begs to differ. As this realization passes through me, Hae-in says, ¡°I heard from Seo, he asked us over Friday night.¡±


    I thought Dami had forgotten, or Hae-in had declined. Instant joy rushes through my sinking heart.


    *


    The peddler that sells clothing and housewares was in the neighborhood today. His chant was hypnotic as he stood beside his truck. When he held up a pastel oranger dress I fell in love with it. In my room, I slip into over my head and look into the mirror.With my sun pink cheeks, I look healthy. There is light in my eyes.With one eye on the clock, I brush my hair and braid it. When I finish I go to the living room and watch the hands on the old clock move slowly to 6. From the kitchen I hear Auntie Ji An humming. Finally the hands of the clock both land on the number 6. Right on time there is a knock on the door. Hae-in is here. Careful not to seem too eager I make my way to the door. When I open it everything in me just wants to step into his arms. He says one word, ¡°Pretty.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡± I feel my sun burned face grow warmer.


    He asks, ¡°Ready?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡± We are such conversationalists. I grab my purse and Auntie Ji An¡¯s keys. We are taking the VW to Dami¡¯s house.


    From the kitchen, Auntie Ji An calls, ¡°Ya¡¯ll have fun.¡±


    Hae-in says, ¡°We will.¡±


    I am praying his words are a promise he means to keep.

 Chapter 43. Close

    In the car, we are close. Close enough for me to smell his freshly applied Old Spice. I put the car in reverse and we head out. Due to my poor peripheral vision, it is hard for me to talk and drive at the same time. Hae-in carries the conversation while I focus on the road. Fortunately, Dami doesn¡¯t live far.


    Several new homes are just beyond the Fish Market. I see the sweetest little white brick house with a black roof. Roses grow in the flower beds. Children¡¯s toys are stacked by the porch. It looks like a real home. I am swept over by a wave of nostalgia for the time when I thought kids and a husband were a given. I didn¡¯t fear the future then. I stop the car.


    The front door of the house opens. For the first time I see Seo, Dami¡¯s husband. He is tall and with thick unruly hair. His face is kind. Hae-in and I get out of the car. Together we walk to the front steps. In the doorway Dami¡¯s eyes are so bright they are practically shooting out laser beams. She hugs Hae-in. I bite my lip. I want to hug Hae-in.


    Inside, Dami¡¯s mother greets us. She is holding the boys hands. They bow to us and we return the bow. The boys are so cute! Dami¡¯s mother says, ¡°I will bring them back at 9:00.¡± To me she says, ¡°It is so good to see you Ye Seul.¡±


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    ¡°It¡¯s good to see you too.¡±


    She gives Hae-in a look and a nod. The boys hug their parents and they head out the door.


    Dami says, ¡°Well, that went better than I expected.¡±


    Seo grins and adds. ¡°No tantrum. That is a miracle.¡±


    *


    We are seated at the dining table eating kimbap and spicy chicken. The food is good. The conversation is lively. Dami and her husband are both talkers. I throw in a sentence here and there, but the whole time my brain is running down a swift and dangerous track. Every bit of me is reaching toward Hae-in. He is so close, so very close.


    After the meal, Hae-in and Seo clear the table and then settle down in front of the TV with game controllers. Both put on head phones so we don¡¯t have to listen to whatever war they are fighting. Dami rolls her eyes and takes me to the kitchen. The first thing she says, ¡°Izzie, I told Seo not to do that.¡±


    ¡°Its okay.¡± Is it? I guess. Perfect men don¡¯t exist in real life.


    Dami and I wash the dishes. After we get them into the dishwasher, her voice drops low and she asks, ¡°Was Hae-in your first love?¡±


    I shake my head. ¡°No, my brother¡¯s friend Jake was. Good old Jake, he never even noticed me¡±


    With a glance in the direction of the front room, Dami says, ¡°Well, that is an affliction Hae-in is NOT suffering from. I caught him sneaking glances at you.¡±


    I very much want that to be true, but Dami has always had an overactive imagination.

 Chapter 44. The First Moments

    Hae-in and I are on our way home. As I drive passed the park, Hae-in asks, ¡°Want to swing?¡±


    I always want to swing. ¡°Sure.¡±


    I park and we get out of the car. The night is warm. The air is tinged with salt. Waves crash against the pilings. I go to the swing, fully expecting to propel myself. Hae-in asks, ¡°You want a push?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡±


    With his hands just below mine on the chains, he pulls me backwards. For a moment I feel his breath on my neck and then he pushes me up into the sky. The stars come closer. And then I am falling backwards. He pushes me forward again. All I have to do is relax into the movement and I soar. I am going so high. He steps away from the swing and watches me. He is smiling and so am I.


    I begin to loose momentum, and I let myself. I put down my feet and stutter stop my flight. I step out of the swing and go to him.


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    With his left hand he touches my hair. A good bit of it has wriggled out of my braid. Softly he says, ¡°I¡¯ve always liked your hair.¡±


    The word ¡°always¡± sticks in my brain. Always? I tease, ¡°Even when I was a kid?¡±


    ¡°Mmm. When you ran it fluttered behind you. I thought it was magic. I wanted hair like that too.¡±


    I step closer to him and ask, ¡°Am I another reason you grow your hair long?¡±


    He laughs, ¡°Yes, you are.¡±


    These small connections we share are strands that have woven into our adult lives. I tilt my face up. He comes closer. I feel his breath. I close my eyes. His lips make contact with mine. The sensation that travels through me has a depth I haven¡¯t experienced before. His arms encircle me. I wrap my arms around him. My heart is thudding in my chest. He pulls away. Sheepishly, he looks at me and smiles.


    I run my hand up the back of his neck and push his lips back on mine. The first moments of discovery are always the sweetest. It¡¯s not a feeling I want to let go. The kiss is good and so satisfying. There is magic in meeting the heart beat of another. Time stops, or so it seems. Joy rushes through me, pushes me under and then absorbs me. This is better than I imagined it would be. I let joy rise within me, refusing to question it, or quantify it, or worry where it will lead, if anywhere.


    The sound of voices halts us. We release each other. A group of teenagers are out on the pier. Their young voices fill the night. Hae-in puts his arm around me and we head back to the car.

 Chapter 45. Old Spice

    Since I have night blindness, Hae-in drives us home. My hand is in his. His callouses are rough, his fingers are blunt. The warmth of his hand in mine anchors me in the moment. I wish this moment in time could last forever. It is a wish that won¡¯t be granted. Shadows form in the back of my mind. They whisper warnings to me that I will not heed. I have a choice, I can enjoy this moment or destroy it with worry and concerns. I refuse to do that. Too soon, we are at the bend in the road that takes us to Auntie Ji An¡¯s house. The house lights are out when we pull into the drive. Only the porch lights are on at Auntie Ji An¡¯s and Neighbor Song¡¯s houses. The car rolls to a stop. We are here. I wait to see what Hae-in will do next. I am certain he will not make out with me in this car. We aren¡¯t kids. He pulls my hand to his lips and kisses it.


    He clears his throat. I wait expecting a confession of some kind, none comes. I push down my disappointment. This is not a Korean drama. Neither Hae-in nor I were raised in Korea. We are Americans. We know about the Korean Culture and we have both experienced it, but we have not lived it. At least I haven¡¯t. Hae-in releases my hand and we get out of the car. The instant the car doors close. The fierce bark of Gong Yoo echoes in the house. That damn that little dog!


    A light is turned on inside. Auntie Ji An is now awake. Hae-in presses a kiss on my lips and rubs his nose with mine and says, ¡°I had a good evening.¡±


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    ¡°Me too.¡±


    He smiles, glances at Auntie Ji An¡¯s front door and says, ¡°Good night.¡± He flees.


    I call after him, ¡°Coward!¡±


    He glances back and says, ¡°No, a wise man.¡± His pace picks up as he heads to Neighbor Song¡¯s back door.


    I make my way to the porch, not eager to discuss my evening. The sound of Gong Yoo¡¯s barks have been silenced. I brace myself and pull out my keys. I bet Neighbor Song is NOT waiting up for Hae-in. He won¡¯t be grilled, but I am about to be. I unlock the door and walk inside. Auntie Ji An is on the couch holding Gong Yoo. He is gnawing on a chew stick. She looks up at me and smiles. The first question is lobbed at me, ¡°So did you and Hae-in have a good time?¡±


    ¡°We did.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡± With Gong Yoo in her arms, she comes to me and gives me a peck on the cheek. This a tactic my mom used when I was in high school and had been out with friends. I know she¡¯s not checking for alcohol but the distinctive smell of Old Spice. She chuckles as she walks away. She definitely smelled Old Spice. I am relieved she didn¡¯t ask any more questions. I am not ready to talk about anything.

 Chapter 46. On the Swing

    I fell asleep last night going over every moment of the evening. I thought I would never fall asleep but I did. I pick up my phone and look at the time and the date. It is Sunday morning. Next week at this time I will be on my way to JeJu airport. Next Sunday around 11:00 a.m. I will board a plane and Pony Tail Man will not be riding with me. All the shadows I banished last night rise. In a week I will leave Korea and Hae-in. Tears fill my eyes. I don¡¯t want to leave, but I know I can¡¯t stay. I have a job, a home, my family and friends to get back to. I wish I had scheduled my entire six week break off, but I didn¡¯t know there would be Hae-in. At this moment I have two choices, I can enjoy what remains of my time here, or I can grieve over the fact I will soon be leaving a man I have come to care for. I tell myself, ¡°Choose joy.¡±


    After a quick shower I head to the kitchen. I can hear Auntie Ji An¡¯s voice. ¡°Yes, I saw them!¡±


    I step into the kitchen, Auntie Ji An smiles at me and tells the person on the phone, (most likely Neighbor Song) ¡°I¡¯ll talk to you later.¡± She gives me a knowing smile and doesn¡¯t say another word. Unexpectedly, I find myself disappointed. The truth is I want to talk about Hae-in. I hear his scooter take off for his shift at the fish market. He won¡¯t be home until this evening.


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    *


    Everything shifts after a kiss. I sit nestled against Hae-in on the porch swing. Inside Auntie Ji An and Gong Yoo watching the latest K-drama. The swing moves back and forth propelled by Hae-in¡¯s feet. I have my legs tucked beneath me. A memory comes zooming to the forefront of my mind. It is the end of my thirteenth summer. My mom and I are on this swing, the sun is setting. She tells me, ¡°I talked to your father today. We are going home.¡±


    Relief rushes through me. I still have a home. Silent tears slip down my mother¡¯s cheeks. I don¡¯t ask her what changed. I am just thankful. My mom gives me a hug. I feel her trembling.


    In the distance I hear whistling. It¡¯s seventeen year old Hae-in, coming home from work. My mom lets go of me and glances down the road. I am sure she is aware of my crush. She gets up and goes inside.


    The wheels of the bike crunch gravel as Hae-in approaches. My heart does that flip flop of joy it does every time I see him. I expect him to just drive by on his way to the shed, but he stops and joins me on the swing. He takes one look at me and says, ¡°You look happy.¡±


    Overwhelmed by my mom¡¯s news, my voice cracks when I reply, ¡°My parents made up.¡±


    To my surprise he gives me a quick hug and says, ¡°That¡¯s good news.¡± He smiles at me and I smile back.


    Current Hae-in brings me back to the present. He asks, ¡°What are you thinking about?¡±


    I smile up at him and say, ¡°You.¡±

 Chapter 47. Questions

    I hear Hae-in¡¯s scooter head for work. If my window weren¡¯t boarded up I would be able to watch him go. I yawn, check my phone and am instantly saddened by the fact I have only two more days before I leave. Tomorrow Hae-in has the day off, and the next day he will be taking me to the air port. And then, I will be gone.


    It has only been 26 days since I met him. Him. The seventeen year old heart throb that I pined for. I remember when I left him that summer. I was happy to be going home, but I missed him so much. It was quite a while before I got another crush. Even longer before I had an actual boyfriend. Hae-in is not my boyfriend. He has not said he liked me. I don¡¯t know if this is because he is quiet and not super verbal, or if what we have is in the moment and doesn¡¯t have any future. Such thoughts plague me. My question is, do I leave it open ended and not specifically defined, or do I take the risk and express my feelings? What do I want? I want Hae-in in my life daily like he is now. In two days he won¡¯t be daily in my life. Long distance relationships are difficult. I am just now healing from Jason. Maybe I should just let things be what they are¡­only I don¡¯t want to.


    My brain starts its usual interrogation. What if Hae-in decides to settle on Jeju? What if time and distance kill the way he feels or I feel? Then it does. It just does. There are no guarantees in this life. Am I really ready to start another relationship at this point in time? What does being ready look like? Feel like? I start drowning in my own questions and struggle to pull myself out. I have so little time left. I don¡¯t want to waste whatever remains.


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    After breakfast, Auntie Ji An, Gong Yoo and I head for the beach. The sound of the waves crashing against the pilings and the shore are sweet, calming music to my soul. Auntie Ji An asks me, ¡°How are you?¡±


    ¡°Confused.¡±


    Gong Yoo tugs on his blinged out leash trying to sniff something beyond his reach. Auntie Ji An tugs on his leash and asks me, ¡°About what?¡±


    ¡°Hae-in.¡±


    She nods and smiles. Not a single bit of advice is given. I ask, ¡°What do you think?¡±


    ¡°You will figure it out.¡±


    ¡°Gees, that is helpful.¡±


    She smiles again and says, ¡°I aim to please. Just don¡¯t think so hard. Let it take its natural course.¡±


    ¡°But I don¡¯t know what that is.¡±


    ¡°Of course you don¡¯t. That¡¯s how a natural course works.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s not helpful.¡±


    She chuckles and says, ¡°Oh but it is.¡±


    I frown at her and she laughs out loud.

 Chapter 48. The Temple

    I cling to Hae-in¡¯s middle as his scooter zooms down the road. I am breathless because of the speed, the wind and the nearness of him. We are on our way to the Buddhist temple where Neighbor Song¡¯s family has worshiped for generations. It is also Auntie Ji An¡¯s temple.


    I see the tiled roof of the temple. We turn by some cherry trees and into the Temple parking lot. Suddenly I am thirteen again. It is evening, and I am with Auntie Ji An, Neighbor Song, Ajeossi and Hae-in. During the ride to the temple I sat squished between Auntie Ji An and Hae-in. Always, I am terrified of touching him for fear I might spontaneously combust. For the entire time we are in temple, I am beside him. I take every chance I get to sneak a peak at him and breathe the same air.


    The scooter stops and I am back in the present. Hae-in helps me off the scooter. I thank him and look at the Temple. Thanks to the storm, it is missing few tiles. Some of the trees have sawed off limbs. I pray the inside is not damaged. We step inside the temple and I am greeted by the same peace that I feel when I step into an empty church. Buddha sits calm and serene. My thudding heart experiences a moment of peace. We kneel on mats and join the priest.


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    I am a practicing Catholic and a Buddhist in my heart. To be part of this act of reverence speaks to my core. I do not sneak peeks at Hae-in. My whole heart is focused on gathering what strength I can to face tomorrow. If there was a way to stop time, I would. A sense of well being begins to grow in me. I am sure it will not last. Still I try cling to it.


    When the priest concludes we stand. Hae-in touches my elbow and we head outside.


    The sun slants rays through the garden. Above, stray clouds move slowly across the sky. Hae-in laces his fingers through mine. We are silent. I notice his palm is sweaty and so is mine. We are both nervous. Our time together is flying away.


    The sun is headed toward the west. When it meets the sky line my last full day on Jeju Island will end. My throat grows tight. I struggle to keep my composure. Does Hae-in sense my sadness?

 Chapter 49. Benchmark

    That night after my first kisses with Hae-in, I thought I had two choices, one was to enjoy what was left of my time with him, and one was to squander my time grieving over my impending return home. As it turns out I am doing both at the same time today and I feel torn in two. The pressure of his hand in mine fills me with joy while at the same time I am desolate because this time tomorrow, I won¡¯t be able to see him or touch him for I don¡¯t know how long.


    We find a shaded area with a wooden bench and sit down. He takes my both my hands in his and says, ¡°We need to talk.¡±


    My heart sinks and rises at the same time.Will we discuss a beginning or an end?


    Looking directly into my eyes Hae-in tells me, ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to start anything with you.¡± Fear lurches into my throat. He continues ¡°But I did against my better judgement.¡±


    Ouch. This feels like an end. Clarity crashes inside of me.I realize with every fiber of who I am that I don¡¯t want an end, I want a beginning. I will not just let this go. I say, ¡°I don¡¯t feel that way. I would rather have you in Korea and be apart than not have you at all. My grandpa says, where there is a will, there is a way.¡±


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    Sadness fills his eyes. ¡°I know you are just coming off a long term relationship. And that-¡°


    Anger fills me. I put my free hand up and say, ¡°Stop. Don¡¯t say I am on the rebound or vulnerable. Don¡¯t put this on me.If you don¡¯t want to try, you don¡¯t want to try. Let¡¯s be honest. It will be hard, it might be a bad idea. If you aren¡¯t in, you aren¡¯t in. So just say it.¡± I realize I am trembling. I realize not only am I asking for what I want, I am fighting for it.


    Stunned, Hae-in blinks his eyes hard. His voice drops low as he says, ¡°I don¡¯t want to hurt you.¡±


    ¡°You are hurting me right now. Besides, my emotional choices are mine own. They are not something you can protect me from.¡± I pull my hand free of his. ¡°I want to go home.¡± I start to walk away, but he catches my wrist.


    I turn and look at him. His eyes are wide and pleading. ¡°I am afraid to try.¡±


    ¡°Why?¡±


    His eyes dart to the ground. His voice is unsteady. ¡°I was supposed to get married this summer. My fianc¨¦e broke it off with me in December. She said I am too quiet andemotionally distant. She met someone who suited her better.¡± He looks up at me. I can see how wounded he is. I see his fear.Is he quiet? Yes. Can he be distant?Yes. Still I have seen his heart. I know how deeply he loves his granny. I think of all the kindnesses he has shown me in the past and the present.


    I gather him in my arms. Softly I whisper, ¡°You suit me.¡±

 Chapter 50. Beyond

    Time is racing. I am hugging Auntie Ji An and Gong Yoo. There is a knock at the door. Hae-in and Neighbor Song enter. I hug Neighbor Song. I am going out the door with Hae-in. He has my duffle bag. My backpack is heavy on my shoulders. I get in the VW. I put on my seat belt. Hae-in backs out of the drive. Auntie Ji An, Gong Yoo and Neighbor Song are on the porch. I wave at them. My heart is sinking. We are on the road. Hae-in places his hand over mine and gently squeezes. I can¡¯t feel his hand. I can¡¯t feel anything. The water zooms passed as we drive down the ocean road. I do my best to keep my breathing even and natural. It is a struggle. Everything is a struggle. Too soon we are at the airport. A light rain has begun to fall. I came here in bad weather and I am leaving here is not good weather. Hae-in parks the car and pulls me into his arms. I feel desperate and weepy. I don¡¯t want to leave him. I don¡¯t want to go, but I have too. We hold onto each other for dear life. Time runs swifter than we can keep up.


    I have to go, I have to leave. The pain in my gut is as sharp as the pain I felt when Jason broke up with me. There is one major difference. I have not been dumped or abandoned and I am grateful.


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    Hae-in lets go of me. He takes my face in both his hands and kisses me. It is deep and long and it is going to have to last me an unspecified amount of time. A part of me wonders if we will ever kiss again¡­ever meet again. He lets go of me. I turn away from him and get my purse. He gets duffle bag out of the trunk.


    We go inside the terminal. I have to leave him now. Now. Now. We hug again, but he doesn¡¯t kiss me. I want to bawl and pitch a tantrum. If there was anything I could do to freeze this moment I would. He walks me to the passenger area. This time he kisses me. Tears spill down my cheeks. He whispers, ¡°I will miss you.¡±


    My throat is so tight I find speaking hard and painful. ¡°I will miss you too.¡± I pass into the area where only passengers are allowed. I can see him still, but I can¡¯t touch him. He watches me go through security and then I move beyond his field of vision.

 51. The Story of Hae-in

    The plane is rolling down the runway. I look at the windows of the air port. I see a man in a red baseball cap and red shirt waving. My mind clicks backward. Hae-in was wearing a red shirt and he had a red baseball cap tucked in his back pocket. I wave furiously even though I know he can¡¯t see me. My vision is blurred by tears. The airport is left behind. The plane races down the run way, and then it takes flight.


    The pain in my chest is huge. I feel myself about to break into ragged sobs. I start to count. I start to breathe slow. On another level I begin to repeat the rosary.


    We land in Seoul. Soon I will be out of Korea entirely. I make my way to my next flight. I am feeling lost and suddenly angry. Why did I give my heart away? I should have counted the cost. I never felt this bad when I left Jason. Never. Of course we were in the same country. We knew when we would see each other again. Separations were a few weeks at the most, they were never open ended. Never.


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    When the plane takes off, I force myself once again to breathe slow. From my purse I take out a pen and my tiny sketch book. I begin to draw. I am drawing a girl on a swing and a young boy pushing her into the sky. I am that girl, Hae-in is that boy. I miss him so much I can barely breathe. Still, as always drawing helps, putting my feelings on paper helps. In time I loose myself in the swirls I am making in the sky and the curls of the wave. When I finish that drawing, I begin another drawing. This time it is of a man and a woman walking together hand in hand. It is sentimental and not very good at all. The ink lines are smeared by the tears that are dropping on the page. I really need to get a hold of myself.


    A soft female voice says, ¡°Are you okay?¡±


    I look up. A small woman with silver white hair and kind eyes is looking at me. I tell her, ¡°I just left my boyfriend. We don¡¯t know when we will be able to see each other again.¡±


    She slips into the empty seat beside me. ¡°That is hard. Is he a good man?¡±


    I nod and whisper, ¡°The best.¡±


    She smiles. By her smile I can tell she is a kind soul. She asks me, ¡°How did you meet?¡±


    The story of Hae-in comes rolling out of me. There is comfort in sharing this story and comfort in hearing it out loud in my own words.The woman doesn¡¯t ask any more questions, but she nods and smiles in all the right places.

 Chapter 52. Miss You

    I did sleep after all. When I awaken we are flying over the US. My body relaxes. It is good to have familiar soil beneath me. When the plane lands at Intercontinental Airport, the first thing I do is text Hai-in, ¡°I made it safely home.¡±


    Immediately hereplies, ¡°Thanks for letting me know. I will call you.¡±


    I text back a heart. We made up a time difference schedule of when we would be able to talk once I got back to the States. The next text I send out is for my mom. ¡°I¡¯m here.¡±


    She texts back, Smiley face, ¡°I am too.¡± In that instant I realize how very much I have missed my mom.


    My heart is racing as I grab my things and head out. I make my way to passenger pick up and there is my mom! I run to her and give her a big hug. She hugs me back and says, ¡°It is so good to have you home.¡±


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    I pull away and smile at her. It is good to be home. Arm in arm we make our way out of the air port and to the car. I haven¡¯t told her about Hae-in yet. I know she is team Jason and I¡¯m not crossing that bridge until I have to.


    *


    After a long nap which has left me feeling like crap, I stretch and look at the clock. It is almost time. Hae-in is going to FaceTime me before he goes to work. My phone makes that weird FaceTime noise and I immediately pick up. There he is, kinda blurry with some echo noise going on. He says, ¡°Hey Sweetie, how are you?¡±


    He has never called me a pet name before. I feel myself blush. ¡°Hi.¡± All I can do is stare. Thank God I live in the 21st Century and I get to see him and hear his voice!


    The next thing he says is, ¡°I really miss you.¡±


    ¡°Same.¡± I don¡¯t want to think about missing him, I just want to think about the fact we are talking now. In the background I can see his room. As I glance at the desk I see a photo propped up. Immediately I remember the day it was taken. I haven¡¯t seen it in years.I ask, ¡°Where¡¯d you get that photo of us?¡±


    He laughs and says, ¡°Like you don¡¯t know. Your Auntie Ji An gave it to me when I got back from the airport. She wants to make sure I don¡¯t forget you.¡±


    Silently I say, Thank you Auntie. Aloud I ask, ¡°Can I see it?¡±


    I gets up and focuses his phone camera on the photo. It is of me at 13 and him at 17. I am looking up at him with absolute adoration. His eyes are glancing sideways at me.

 Chapter 53. Exit

    It is the first Thursday in August. I am sitting at Tookie¡¯s with Jason. He has been texting me since I got home and I have been putting him off. He refuses to read between the lines. I need to make myself clear so yesterday I suggested we meet for lunch to talk. I will have to make it clear I am solid over him. Across the table from me, he is eager, all smiles, but I can sense he is nervous. It is strange to sit across from someone I once loved with what I thought was all my heart. Maybe I did love him with all the heart I had to give at that point in time.


    We wade through a bit of small talk. Our burgers arrive. I am guarded and wary. Half way through the meal, he blurts out, ¡°Could we try again?¡±


    I put my burger down and say, ¡°No, I¡¯m sorry, we can¡¯t.¡±


    There is a flare of anger in his eyes, but he tamps it down and asks, ¡°Are you seeing someone?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°Is it serious?¡±


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    ¡°It is.¡±


    ¡°How could it be? We¡¯ve only been apart what¡ª¡°


    He doesn¡¯t remember how long. I say, ¡°Six months.¡±


    A note of desperation sounds in his voice. ¡°But I thought you loved me.¡±


    ¡°I did, very much. I would love you still if you hadn¡¯t ended it, but you did.¡±


    He drops his head and looks at the table. ¡°I wish I could take that back. I was an idiot.¡±


    Going back in time is impossible, thank God. If not for Jason breaking up with me I never would have reconnected with Hae-in and I would have been so much poorer if I hadn¡¯t. Silently I am grateful Jason let me go when he did.


    Awkwardness settles between us. Jason doesn¡¯t even attempt conversation. Hurriedly he finishes his burger, stands and says, ¡°It was good seeing you.¡±


    ¡°It was good seeing you too.¡±


    He doesn¡¯t say, ¡°We will have to do this again.¡± I watch him leave. His shoulders are slumped. This did not go the way he planned. It didn¡¯t go the way I planned either. I once prayed he would do just what he did, want me back. At the time I never anticipated that I would not want him back. I never anticipated Hae-in.


    I sit and slowly finish my burger. Jason was not a bad man. What we had was not terrible. It was very good at times and I am thankful for those times. I am thankful for what we did share. Jason and I learned about love together. He was not the one. Is Hae-in the one? I refuse to jump to conclusions, but I am hopeful.

 Chapter 54. When

    It is the first day of school. How the kids have changed during the summer. Emily is in my Drawing 3 class. As usual she is wearing a BTS t-shirt and baggy pants. Her hair is pulled back in braids. She smiles at me, and I smile back.


    After class, she comes to my desk and notices that I have framed the card she gave me. She smiles when she sees it. ¡°You kept it!¡±


    ¡°Of course I did.¡± I can see how pleased she is. If she only knew how much that little card has meant to me. I tell her, ¡°Your wish came true. I did have a good summer.¡±


    Her voice has a stifled squeal in is when she says, ¡°Oh good! I was worried about you.¡±


    I tell her, ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡±


    ¡°You look it. I better run!¡±


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    So, she noticed I was struggling last school year. I did the best I could to hide it, but obviously I failed. Still, her kindness was appreciated. I pick up the card and star at the wonky seagull. In that moment I recall the first conversation I ever had with the adult Hae-in.¡±


    *


    The numbers for time are changing on my phone. I let out a sigh. Hae-in should have gotten in touch with me by now. I begin to worry. I am a champion worrier. By the time the FaceTime sound blares on my phone, I have imagined several car accidents and one big white service truck running over Hae-in on his scooter.


    His image pops up on the screen. His hair is a mess. He croaks, ¡°Sorry, I was sick all night.¡±


    He doesn¡¯t look well now. I ask, ¡°Do you have a stomach bug?¡±


    ¡°No, I made a mistake and went out with Dong Jo last night. For a Korean, I don¡¯t drink well.¡± He sighs and says, ¡°Today is gonna suck.¡± His eyes finally focus on me, and he smiles. It is lopsided. ¡°God, I miss you.¡±


    ¡°I miss you too.¡± The missing is the hardest part of the distance. I wish there was a way for it not to hurt so much.


    ¡°Drinking with Dong Jo last night has an upside. I managed to talk him into letting me come to the States for Thanksgiving.¡±


    I squeal.


    He wraps his hands around his ears. ¡°Careful lady.¡±


    I want to squeal again, but I hold it in. Thanksgiving is still weeks, months away, but it is a definite point in time. I now know when I am going to see Hae-in!

 Chapter 55. Neighbor Song

    Time doesn¡¯t fly, but it does pass. Each day I go to school. Each evening I text Hae-in or FaceTime with him. I have even written a few physical letters. I am coping. He is coping, still this has been harder than I imagined it would be. So far Neighbor Song is doing well. There is a part of me that wonders if part of Hae-in going to Jeju and staying there isn¡¯t a bit about running away. I still don¡¯t know who he was engaged to. One thing I am sure of is that Neighbor Song won¡¯t speak out of turn, ever. Yes, I want to ask her who that woman was. Why am I so afraid of asking Hae-in that question? Another worry hovers on my imaginary horizon. Hae-in hasn¡¯t said a word about me meeting his parents.I have met them before, when I was like eight years old. Still, I would feel more secure if I had a concrete place and time to see his parents.It is probably just a guy thing. I spent time Jason¡¯s parents way after he spent time with mine. This is stupid, and yet I can feel my insecurities growing. Texts and FaceTime can¡¯t bridge the gap of actual time in each other¡¯s presence. The distance is starting to scare me.


    My phone buzzes. Its my mom. I pic up my phone. ¡°Hi Mom.¡±


    My mom says, ¡°Hey Izzie.¡± Her tone is familiar. It is the one she uses when something has happened. A name pops in my head. No, please not that. My mom continues,¡°I just got off the phone with Ji An, Neighbor Song was admitted into emergency.¡±


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    My heart begins to thud in my chest. I manage to ask, ¡°Is it bad?¡±


    ¡°It was sudden. She was in the garden hoeing when she just fell over unconscious.¡±


    I bite my lip. ¡°Has she regained consciousness?¡±


    ¡°No not yet.¡±


    I feel the warmth of my tears sliding down my face.


    My mom says, ¡°All we can do is wait and not jump to conclusions.¡±


    My brain has already landed on a conclusion. By the tone of my mother¡¯s voice, I think she has landed there too.


    *


    It is after 10:00 p.m. I am propped in my bed reading. My brain keeps doing the time difference math thing. I have not heard from Hae-in and I am really worried.


    My phone rings. It is Hae-in. Fear washes through me. I brace myself and answer, ¡°Hello.¡±


    ¡°Hi!¡± There is joy in Hae-in¡¯s voice. ¡°Granny is conscious. Her speech and memory are good. She¡¯s going to have to have a bunch of tests run.¡± His voice breaks, ¡°But, she¡¯s still here and she¡¯s still herself.¡±


    With tears in my voice I whisper, ¡°I am so glad.¡± The bad thing didn¡¯t happen this time and I am thankful, so very thankful! I ask, ¡°How are you?¡±


    ¡°Better. She really scared me. My dad is on his way. I have to pick him up from the airport in a bit.¡± I can hear the relief in is voice. I am thankful his dad will be with him soon.

 Chapter 56. Flying with Mom

    The days continue to pass. It is late October. Neighbor Song is better, but she isn¡¯t the same. She has lost some ground. I hear the worry in Hae-in¡¯s voice and see it on his face when we FaceTime. He is coping. Life is hard, but still, when I get to talk to Neighbor Song, she is continues to be excited about the seeds she is ordering for her garden and her latest crochet project. She is making Hae-in a bright afghan. When she showed it to me on FaceTime I could see that her work is not as precise as it was, yet it is beautiful. I am so thankful she hasn¡¯t given up and she is continuing to do the things she has always loved. The only down side is that Hae-in won¡¯t be able to come visit me in November. Texas is a long way from Jeju and he doesn¡¯t want to risk leaving her right now and I don¡¯t blame him. Still, if I am honest with myself, I am very disappointed I can¡¯t see him at Thanksgiving. I will be able to see him during Christmas break though because I am going to Jeju with my mom. Mom is not a good traveler. It will be a fun flight, eye roll.


    *


    Christmas break has finally come. I am as anxious as the kids are to get out of the building. I drive home fast and begin packing as soon as I am inside. While I pack, images and memories pass through my mind, the last time Hae-in held me, the first time we kissed and those long ago times of watching him from a distance when I was thirteen. I think of Neighbor Song. She is excited that we are coming and especially excited about Mom coming too. I wish I was not so nervous about the flight there. When I booked the tickets I really wanted to lie and tell Mom I couldn¡¯t get seats together. I know I am being childish, but¡­


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    *


    The flight is long. Mom can¡¯t sleep and she keeps squirming and sighing. I am exhausted. Every time I doze off, she either moves or sighs and wakes me up.


    After two layovers, a delayed flight and a thunderstorm we are almost there. Hae-in is close. Through the window I see ambient light. The plane goes into its landing pattern. Everything begins to speed up. We land in Seoul, and rush to make it to our plane to Jeju. I text Auntie Ji An and Hae-in. Only one hour in the air to go. The plane takes off. Outside the window I watch the sun slide toward the horizon. Its reflected light is beautiful in the clouds. Mom¡¯s eyes are fixed on the window too. She is on her way to see her sister, Neighbor Song and her childhood home. She reaches for my hand. Her grip is firm. We watch for the first signs of the island. When we see it we let out a collective squeal. This long difficult journey is coming to an end. The plane lands. I text Auntie Ji An and Hae-in, ¡°We are here.¡±


    Hae-in texts back, ¡°We are too.¡±

 Chapter 57. Landing

    Everything is a blur. We exit the plane, we take the bus to the terminal. We get through customs. Mom and I are both running at this point. We see them. Not just Auntie Ji An and Hae-in, but also Neighbor Song. She is holding a big crochet heart in her hands flapping it back and forth. Such love fills me and swarms all around me. Mom flies into Neighbor Song¡¯s arms. Tears fill her eyes. This is going to take a while. I turn to Auntie Ji An, she gives me a brief fierce hug and releases me. I turn to Hae-in and he scoops me into a hug that literally rocks me to my core. I had forgotten how solid and strong he is. I breathe him in. I am finally here. He puts me down and for a moment we just stare at each other. He leans in and kisses me, lightly, gently, respectfully. After all we are with our female relatives.


    My mom finally releases Neighbor Song. Her eyes are bright and her love for me is evident in her eyes. She opens her arms to me and pulls me close. Against my ear she says, ¡°Thank you for coming. Hae-in has been counting the days and so have I.¡± Though she feels more fragile in my arms than she did when I left in August, the strength of her spirit is as vibrant as it has ever been. She releases me and hands me the big crochet heart. She smiles and says, ¡°Something to remember me by.¡± It is a keepsake given to me now with me looking into her bright and alive eyes. I will remember this happy moment for all my days. ¡°Thank you.¡± I take her arm and we head for the car.


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    Outside the air is bright and cold. I had forgotten the strength of the Jeju wind.


    On the ride to the house I am in the backseat wedged between Auntie Ji An and Mom. At least I have a good view of Hae-in in the rear view mirror. Mom is talking while Auntie Ji An patiently listens. Outside I hear the cry of a gull. I turn to the water. It is gorgeous and oh so clear. Neighbor Song lets out a small cry of delight. I think, she was born on Je Ju, she has lived her life here. I have never lived in one place. What is that like? I will never know.


    When we reach the house, I go with Hae-in and Neighbor Song. Together Hae-in and I get her situated in her bed. She is exhausted. She shoos us away. Hae-in says, ¡°If you need me, ring your bell.¡±


    She gives him and nod and closes her eyes.


    I feel Hai-in¡¯s hand slip into mine. We go into the hall and he closes the door behind him. Silently he leads me to the front room. In a hushed voice he tells me, ¡°She tires so easily now.¡± I can see the sadness and fear in his eyes. This journey that he is on is long. I wrap him in my arms and pull him close. I am so thankful to be with him now, to be able to give him some comfort. His strong arms encircle me. He rest his face against my neck and whispers, ¡°I¡¯m so glad you are here.¡±


    ¡°Me too.¡±

 Chapter 58. Together

    There is a knock on the door. Hae-in pulls away from me and says, ¡°That is Nurse Lee.¡± He goes to the door. Nurse Lee is the woman looks after Neighbor Song while Hae-in is at work. In that moment I suddenly realize, Hae-in has to go to work, he will be leaving me.


    The woman enters. She is tiny. Her smile is bright. Hae-in introduces us. As I say, ¡°It is good to meet you,¡± I notice Hae-in glance at his watch.


    Nurse Lee goes to check on Neighbor Song. Hae-in pulls me into his arms. ¡°I hate that I have to go to work.¡±


    Against his chest I mumble, ¡°I hate it too.¡±


    He kisses the top of my head and releases me. His eyes meet mine, I see an apology in them, that I do not want to hear. I place my hand over  his lips and tell him, ¡°I am here. Just down the road. Tell me when your lunch break is and I will bring you something.¡± Beneath my hand I feel his smile. He nods. I remove my hand and he kisses me.


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    After Hae-in leaves, I go back to Auntie Ji An¡¯s. Gong Yoo meets me at the door. I pick him up and snuggle him. I have missed this little guy. Auntie Ji An comes out of the kitchen and tells me, ¡°Your mom is asleep in my room. There are fresh towels in the bathroom.¡±


    This is her way of hinting that I need to get some rest too. After a quick shower, I go to my room. The window has been replaced and I can see the side of Neighbor Song¡¯s house. I am thankful for the view. I lay down on the bed. My weariness is washing over me in waves. Before I fall asleep, I set my alarm. I could easily over sleep and I don¡¯t want to miss Hae-in¡¯s break.


    *


    I drive Auntie Ji An¡¯s VW beetle to the Market. The wind is brisk and so cold it takes my breath away. I meet Hae-in at the Tteobokki stand. He orders our food and takes me to one of the stock rooms. There is a small table set up with two crates. Side by side we sit down. At first we are awkward. We are used to our voices and our faces being transmitted over the phone.


    With a hint of shyness in his voice, Hae-in tells me, ¡°Dami¡¯s folks have a cabin on the south side of the island. She said we could have it Sunday night if we like.¡± The impact of these words reverberates through me. My time jumbled mind struggles a moment to figure out what day it is. Worry fills Hae-in¡¯s eyes. ¡°I am sorry it is such short notice.¡±


    I take his face in my hands and say, ¡°I would love to go.¡±


    To my delight he blushes. My face feels kinda warm too. He leans in and kisses me. In my brain I am screaming, Thank you Dami!

 Chapter 59. So This is Love?

    Auntie Ji An and Mom will be spending the night with Neighbor Song while we are away. I feel a bit nervous about the trip. I¡¯ve never been with anyone but Jason. I still don¡¯t even know the name of Hae-in ex fianc¨¦e. Hae-in rented a car. It is a sleek black Honda. I try to relax on the drive to the cabin, but I am a ball of nerves. I think Hae-in is nervous too because he is talking a lot for him. I smile, nod and listen, at least I try to, but my mind is racing over every flaw I have documented about myself. I¡¯m even feeling a little sick to my stomach. Buried beneath all of that though is fear.


    The cabin is near the water. A frozen mist creeps through the trees. We park. We go inside. In Korean dramas this is where the tumble to the bed begins. I set my bag on the floor and look around. The space is small and cozy. Just a bed, a sofa and a kitchenette. There is door by the bed that must go to the bathroom. Hae-in comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me. My heart major flutters. He is kissing my neck and goose bumps rise on my arms.


    I feel myself uncoiling. He seems to melt into me and I into him. There is no tumble. Gently, he picks me up and takes me to bed.


    *


    I wake up in Hae-in¡¯s arms. My heart is tight. How am I going to leave him now? How? I want to stay with him. I want to not leave him, but I have to in 8 days. I have to. There is summer. Summer is so very far away. Tears start sliding from my eyes.


    Hae-in¡¯s eyes open. He sees my tears and pulls me close. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡±


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    ¡°We are going to be so far apart.¡±


    ¡°I know, but we aren¡¯t far apart now.¡±


    ¡°No we aren¡¯t.¡±


    His eyes are full of tender light. His fingers run through my hair and he whispers, ¡°Saranghae.¡± In English, this means I love you. In Korean it has more meaning. He is telling me he wants to abide with me for life.


    More tears fill my eyes. I whisper back, ¡°Saranghae.¡± The smile he gives me radiates through me. I didn¡¯t know love could feel like this. The kisses we share are long and deep.


    *


    It is Christmas. Auntie Ji An¡¯s house is not decked out like ours is back home. For her Christmas is a quiet day of thanksgiving. A traditional Korean meal is on the table. Hae-in and I have been able to spend the entire day together. We have been able to sneak off from time to time for some stolen kisses and that makes them even sweeter. We are side by side at the table lost in our own world, while the chatter of the ladies surround us. From time to time I notice a glance in our direction. They are happy we are happy.


    When the meal is finished we open our gifts. I struggled with what to give Hae-in. It is obvious what my gift is, a painting. He grins when I hand it to him. I watch his face closely as he opens it. I see his eyes widen and then he looks at me. ¡°This is the view from the lighthouse.¡±


    I nod.


    ¡°It is beautiful.¡± He leans over and hugs me. My heart is singing. Giving art to someone is a terrifying process, because if they don¡¯t like it, it hurts an artist¡¯s soul.


    He hands me a small box. I hope I like it, I am picky and what I think shows on my face. I open the box, inside is a smaller box. Inside that box is a heart charm with the word Jeju engraved in Korean characters. I love it!

 Chapter 60. To the Airport

    Time has passed too quickly. Tomorrow Mom and I have to fly home. I am not looking forward to it. Hae-in is at work. Auntie Ji An, Mom, Gong Yoo and I are seated on the front room sofa. Mom takes my hand and tells me, ¡°I decided to change my return flight. I talked to your dad this morning and I¡¯m going to stay a few weeks before I go home.¡± She reaches across me and takes Auntie Ji An¡¯s hand. I watch their fingers interlock. Softly she says, ¡°I want to spend some more time with my sister.¡±


    I don¡¯t have a sister and I have envied the bond that Mom and Auntie Ji An share. I tell her, ¡°That sounds good¡± I wish with all my heart I could stay too.


    *


    It is late. My phone makes a swooshing noise as it receives a text. Its from Hae-in. It says, ¡°I am on the porch.¡±


    I creep out of bed and pick up my slippers. I slip through the door. I hear tiny toe nails clicking. Gong Yoo marches into the hall. I whisper, ¡°Please don¡¯t bark.¡± He wags his tail. He wants to come outside too. I don¡¯t want him to come but I also don¡¯t want him to wake up my mother or Auntie Ji An. I pick him up.


    Hae-in is in the swing. His shoulders are slumped. He straightens them and and says, ¡°Looks like you brought a friend.¡±


    ¡°Unfortunately.¡± I sit down beside him and Gong Yoo jumps into his lap. He strokes Gong Yoo¡¯s head.


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    The front door opens and Auntie Ji An steps onto the porch. She reaches out her arms and says, ¡°I will take the little party pooper.¡±


    Hae-in hands Gong Yoo over to Auntie Ji An. Once she is back inside, Hae-in reaches for my hand. Silently, we walk to Neighbor Song¡¯s house. We go to Hae-in¡¯s room. He kisses me. I feel myself become liquid in his arms.


    *


    The morning of leaving has come too soon. Everything is moving at such a pace I feel like I can¡¯t catch my breath. As I say goodbye to my mom, there are tears in her eyes. She kisses my cheek and releases me. Next I hug Auntie Ji An. She whispers in my ear, ¡°Pray my baby sis doesn¡¯t make me crazy.¡±


    ¡°I will.¡± Honestly, I am so thankful I am not traveling back to the states with my mom. I wave good bye to them. Hae-in and I head out the door. He is taking me to the airport. The time is sliding away fast. We get in Auntie Ji An¡¯s VW bug and head out. The weather doesn¡¯t look too good, and I am honestly praying my flight is delayed.


    Hae-in clears his throat before he speaks. His voice cracks as he says, ¡°I am going to miss you so much.¡±


    I grasp his hand. ¡°I miss you already.¡± And I do. Every mile that passes is taking me away from here, away from him. This lurking sadness inside of me is another aspect of love. To find love, to make love and then to be torn apart¡­feels like more than I can bear. I glance out at the rolling waves. They are high this morning and loud. The water is all churned up. I can hear them thrashing and crashing beyond the window.


    Hae-in says, ¡°I feel like this day looks.¡±


    I turn my attention back to him.


    Tears hover his lashes but they don¡¯t fall. His gaze is on the road. Bravely I say, ¡°We will get through this.¡± I stop myself short of saying that it will be over before we know it. Time is slow when the heart is longing.


    He nods his head. A single tear slides down his cheek. That is all he can manage. I long to take him in my arms, hold him, tell him I won¡¯t leave but I can¡¯t do any of that now. I have a flight to catch, a job to do, a home that is waiting for me.

 Chapter 61. Good Bye, Hello

    Something light needs to be said to keep us from sinking. We have more than now, I believe we will have a future. I say, ¡°When you come visit me, I must warn you that I am housekeeping challenged. I get lost in my art and I don¡¯t see clutter.¡± Actually, I am much worse than that, but I refuse to out my true self in this moment. I need to be more sure of him before I unleash my most difficult aspects.


    He smiles. ¡°Yeah, I remember what your room looked like that summer.¡±


    What? He¡¯s never seen my room and then I realize he¡¯s talking about my room at Auntie Ji An¡¯s. That summer refers to my thirteenth summer. Oh gosh. I had forgotten the morning he walked into that room. I had thrown myself into a barrage of art projects to cope with the instability of my family. At the time I looked up at him dazed by his beautiful presence in my room, just like I had imagined a hundred thousand times. Only in my imagination my hands weren¡¯t blue and caked in paste, there was not ripped and torn construction paper scraps on the floor, or beads, or glitter or sequins or pipe cleaners or crayons. The floor wasn¡¯t even visible. A terrible heat of embarrassment shot through me as he silently surveyed the room. I feel the same heat coming over me now.


    His laughter rings out. ¡°You were so precious sitting there with your sticky hands and what looked like a tornado of art supplies. I thought you were the cutest thing I had ever seen. I still think that.¡±


    His words comfort me in that deep vulnerable place that defies the rules of order. I lean over and kiss his cheek. I can taste the salt of that single tear.


    Too soon, the airport looms in the distance. I feel tears start to clog my throat. I push them down. I will not make a scene. It isn¡¯t like we won¡¯t see each other again but is going to be awhile, along while. Spring Break he might be able to come visit, but we aren¡¯t sure yet. It depends on so many things that I can¡¯t think about right now. At least there will be Summer and six weeks of together, maybe more. Only time will tell.


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    Hae-in parks. To my dismay planes are landing and taking off. I know it is wrong of me to wish a flight delay for my own selfish reasons, but that knowledge doesn¡¯t stop me from wanting it. I have however stopped praying for a delay. Prayers that create problems for others are not prayers, but selfish wishes. We get out. Hand in hand we walk into the airport. Time seems to be streaming fast. Soon, I will have to release the hand in mine. Soon, I will be going through security and getting on a bus. Now, now I am here, but now is slipping away so fast I can scarcely breathe. I am being a baby. No, my heart protests, I am leaving the one I love and it hurts.


    We go as far as we can together and then we stop. For a moment we just stare at each other frozen where we are. It takes everything I have in me not to curl around him. We both sigh. My thoughts flit to last night. I look up at him. He is remembering too. He leans over and tenderly kisses me. This is good bye, for now, not forever. I hug him one last time and head for security. I turn after I am checked in. He is still there. I blow him a kiss and he catches it. With silent tears falling I make my way to the waiting area. I can¡¯t see him anymore.


    *


    The flight home is a eternal. I open my phone and look through the pictures Hae-in and I have taken together over the last two weeks. His arm is around me, he is smiling. I see his gratitude for me. I see the way he looks at me. Jason never looked at me like that. Never.


    Once again, I remind myself, I will see him again, unless he is in a car accident or has a secret deadly health issue. My imagination is about to go terror wild. I stop it. I tell myself, Don¡¯t. Chin up. Good things do happen. It will be okay. I don¡¯t know if any of that is true, but I do know trying to out distance fear is challenging. I can dwell on all the terrible possibles and let them harm me, or I can release these fears and choose hope and trust. For me it is never an easy battle. I struggle the entire next 20 hours. By the time I land I am exhausted.


    My brother is there to pick me up. He gives me big hug when he sees me. His arms are strong and protective. I start crying and he holds me. Finally, I settle down and he leads me to his Mustang.


    As usual he drives too fast. I grip the seat and pray I don¡¯t get killed, maimed or injured. When he pulls into my parking lot, I grab my carry on and give him a kiss on the cheek. ¡°Thanks Bro.¡±


    ¡°Welcome Izzie.¡± He smiles and pulls away. He didn¡¯t ask me a single question, nor did we have what could be considered a conversation, but as always we connected.

 Chapter 62. The States (Final Chapter)

    It is Friday evening. I am at the air port. I actually survived a class room of teenagers anxious and restless to begin their Spring Break. I was and am just as anxious and restless to begin my break. The sound of flight arrivals and departures blare over the sound system. I got here too early. Through the large windows I can see planes arrive and depart. Again, I check my phone.I see Hae-in¡¯s flight number. At the moment it is on time. Hae-in has been in the air for over 20 hours. It has been a long 20 hours for me. My imagination has been running down scary tracks. So far though, his plane has not been hijacked, or crashed or combusted. If the pilot can just stick the landing and the airport isn¡¯t bombed, Hae-in will be here in person. My heart is racing like crazy. For the next twenty minutes my eyes travel from the window to my phone. Finally, over the loudspeaker, I hear his flight number. Tears fill my eyes. Soon, soon I will see him. I will wrap my arms around him. I go to the exit. People begin to fill the hall.


    There he is. Pony Tail man. He smiles. The light in his eyes reaches me and warms me. My heart is literally melting. I fly into his arms. He drops his carry on and he swings me around. He is solid. He is real. Against my hair he says, ¡°It is so good to see you.¡±


    I bury my face in his neck. After 20+ hours of flight he is well, a bit rank, but I don¡¯t care. Happy tears are slipping down my cheeks. Time did pass, it is now spring, we keep growing closer despite the miles. He pulls back and looks into my eyes. I reach up and touch his hair. Since I saw him during Christmas break his hair has gotten even longer. He catches my hand in his. His fingers slip through mine. Not one for PDA, his public kiss is brief. It sends everything inside of me to spin cycle. His smile is laced with mischief. He grabs his carryon and we head for the parking lot.


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    Daylight is almost gone. It will be dark soon. Despite his fatigue he offers to drive. I nod. The risk of my night blindness out weighs his fatigue.


    He lets out a sigh as we drive back to my apartment. He tells me, ¡°It is good to be home.¡± He doesn¡¯t speak of how hard the last weeks have been. Neighbor Song has had another setback. His dad flew to Korea so Hae-in could come to the states to visit me. I have met his parents. His mom and I are building a relationship slowly. She is very different from me. I know who his ex-fianc¨¦e is and I am thankful she was a fool and let him go.


    I direct him to my apartment complex. He parks and yawns. My heart is starting to thump. I have spent the entire week cleaning my apartment and sorting through my endless clutter. I am nervous about what he will think of my living space. He grabs his carryon out of the back seat and follows me up the stairs. My hand shakes a little as I fumble with my keys. I open the door and turn on the light. Hae-in steps inside. I glance at his face as he takes my world in. He turns, smiles at me and says, ¡°Its perfectly you. I love it.¡± He leans in and gives me a peck on the cheek. His eyes dance with light and love. And then, he really kisses me!