《Murderer》 Part one 1 He¡¯s sitting in a dark room where the only light is coming from a small yellow desk lamb. Trying to tie his tie but he can¡¯t. his wife always tied it for him. Today is her funeral. He stared into the mirror remembering his wife¡¯s face, her smile. How she was the only light he saw in this dark and grim world. He didn¡¯t used to believe in love, the one, angels and all that fairy tale nonsense but when he met his wife, he felt like he was standing at the gates of heaven. Someone entered the room interrupting his thoughts: ¡°Hey, how are you holding up?¡± He looked at her from the mirror and gave her his usual kind smile which now looked as a crack in his reflection and said ¡°I will live, Airi¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to act tough. Not all things can be faced with a smile¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know what else to do. I lost her, the love of my life, the only light I saw in this dark world. I couldn¡¯t save her¡± then he broke down into tears. His sister ran to hug him and also she started to cry ¡°don¡¯t say that Akihiro, you tried to save her, she died knowing that you tried. That you loved her from the bottom of your heart¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry for troubling you sis, did you need anything?¡± ¡°Never apologize to me dummy, especially for feeling. Oh, I came to tell you that we are ready to go¡± ¡°Okay, let¡¯s go¡± 2 During the funeral he felt like he¡¯s deaf. He can¡¯t hear anyone speak. He¡¯s seeing himself being swallowed by darkness. He never knew this darkness could come back. Before meeting his wife, he surrendered to life. His name is Akihiro Hirayama, 25 years old, a detective in the RPD. When he used to think about why he became a detective, he would never find an answer. The world was never going to become a better place just because he caught this criminal or that one. And why would he think that. People who never saw the light, would never understand how it feels. Anyway, let¡¯s go back to Akihiro meeting his wife. He could remember it like it was yesterday. The Christmas party that he was invited to by his sister, the lights, the song California dreaming by the mamas & the papas is playing in the background and his feeling of loneliness is crushing his soul. He is staring at people talking and laughing and thinks to himself ¡°why are they happy, how could they just live?¡± He always felt like there¡¯s this glass barrier between him and other people and he¡¯s just allowed to look from his side. His side that¡¯s being eaten by darkness every day. He lost hope that he could just be normal. It seems so easy and so hard at the same time. He felt a panic attack coming. He stood from his chair and walked towards his sister ¡°excuse me sis but I¡¯m going to leave¡± ¡°No come on stay, you¡¯re going to miss all the fun¡± she said with a sad look ¡°Maybe another time, good night Airi¡± ¡°Good night brother¡± she knew this would happen and that he won¡¯t listen to her but she was still sad that he left. ¡°you brother is so weird¡± said one of Airi¡¯s friends to her. ¡°Why do you say that?¡± said Airi with a small grin. ¡°I meant nothing wrong Airi, but he has a look on his eyes like he¡¯s empty inside. A dead stare I guess¡± ¡°Well, life wasn¡¯t easy for us growing up but for him it was more than that¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°Nothing, I¡¯ll grab us another drink¡± she said with a smile that hid her despair about what she remembered. 3 Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings. Akihiro went to a bar on his way home. He sat down and ordered a white Russian. The moonlight sonata by Ludwig van Beethoven was playing in the background. His brain was like a well-oiled machine designed for breaking him. Despite not being a sociable person, he never likes to spend time alone because whenever he spends time alone, he remembers. He remembers his father and how his father was one of the main reasons that made him sink into darkness. His father that used to beat him for every small mistake, for being ¡°a softy¡± as his father used to say. He remembered how his father tied him to the bed and started beating him with a walking cane. That was the first time that Akihiro imagined killing his father using an ash tray. But that¡¯s not the worst thing he¡¯s done. No no, that came when one day when Akihiro and his sister were 10 and 8, and for the first time Akihiro and Airi were fighting over a chocolate bar. Their dad woke up because of their fighting and he was furious but didn¡¯t say a word. He just took them both to their room and started beating them with a wooden stick. Akihiro was always jealous of his sister because she was never beaten unlike him. But now as he looked at her being beaten on the face and body. He felt like he would never love himself again and that there¡¯s darkness surrounding him. On the inside he was afraid not from his father but because he was seeing actual darkness swallowing him and then. ¡°Excuse me, can I get a white Russian¡± said a lady that sat next to him and interrupted his thoughts. The lady looked to her right where Akihiro was sitting and said ¡°great choice huh¡± ¡°Not really,¡± said Akihiro ¡°Then why did you order it¡± ¡°Just the first thing I read on the menu¡± ¡°You¡¯re not that good of a liar pretty boy¡± she said with a warm smile. ¡°Well, normally I¡¯m better than you think¡± ¡°Okay, tell me something and I¡¯ll guess if it¡¯s a lie or not¡± ¡°okay¡± He turned to her and looked at her dead in the eye and said ¡°I haven¡¯t killed anyone in my entire life¡± Her smile faded a bit and she said ¡°I hope that¡¯s the truth¡± ¡°you¡¯ll never know¡± said Akihiro with a forced smile. ¡°So, you really have killed before.¡± ¡°Take it easy darling, I¡¯m a detective so yeah I have killed before when the situation demanded it¡± ¡°Oh, a sad pretty boy and a detective¡± ¡°Well, that sums it up I guess¡± he said with a smile. ¡°Well, so that¡¯s what your real smile looks like huh¡± Akihiro never really understood women and never tried to be in a relationship. Let¡¯s just say he never viewed himself as someone who deserved love and women often found him unsettling. He finished his drink as the bartender is putting the drink that the lady ordered in front of her and after she took a sip she said ¡°I really love Beethoven, moonlight sonata is one of my favorite musical pieces¡± ¡°Why do you love it so much?¡± said Akihiro. ¡°So, you do want to have a conversation¡± ¡°I¡¯m just not that sociable¡± ¡°I figured. Well, I guess I loved it so much because it reminds me of love that will never happen just like Beethoven and Julie Guicciardi his lover. It¡¯s a bit sad I know but sadness Is also a part of love I guess¡± He looked at her as he saw light for the first time and said nothing. ¡°Why do you look so surprised pretty boy. I know a thing or two about a thing or two. Do you love it¡± ¡°Yeah, I love it. I guess it reminds me of my own loneliness. It¡¯s as if despair itself composed it¡± ¡°Well, despair is a part of the living experience. It means that you¡¯re alive¡± ¡°Yeah, I guess you¡¯re right,¡± said Akihiro. He heard that before and always thought that this optimistic talk is just a lie humans keep telling themselves to get through life ¡°I¡¯m sorry but I have to go¡± he paid for the drink and as he was leaving, the lady said ¡°Smile more, pretty boy, I see light in you¡± He looked at her surprisingly. No one has ever said that to him. He, the monster who is sinking in darkness. He found himself asking her ¡°do you want to grab a cup of coffee sometime?¡± ¡°Well, that¡¯s a surprise. Sure, here is my number. What¡¯s your name by the way?¡± ¡°Akihiro Hirayama, and you?¡± ¡°Anastasia Aristov¡± He remembers how she looked that day. Her blue eyes that can see through his darkness, her yellow silky hair which always reminded him of the warmth of the sun and her smile which always made him feel like he took a glimpse of heave. 4 Akihiro is standing in front of a crowd waiting for him to say a few words about his late wife but he is in total shock. He is staring to the back of the room like she will now open the door and this will all be a bad joke. ¡°This is useless¡± he said angerly staring into the crowd. The crowd looked at him in pity. ¡°What am I supposed to say here? Anastasia was a good wife, kind and one of the purest souls to ever exist. But she wasn¡¯t any of that. she made mistakes, loved people even if this gave her nothing but heart break in return and she trusted that all people had light in them. I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m just¡­angry with her that she left, angry at God if he¡¯s there and angry at the destiny that made me meet her. Because if I didn¡¯t meet, I wouldn¡¯t have loved her to death. I wouldn¡¯t have felt her worm light which is the only thing that keeps me together at the moment. And I wouldn¡¯t have felt this pain because she left¡± His voice cracked a bit and he started to shed tears ¡°Anastasia you were the only light I saw in this world and after you my world was swallowed by darkness. You¡¯re the only one I loved and the only one I¡¯ll ever love. You were killed because your light was too bright for this world. Your love was too beautiful to exist. I love you forever and always¡± He stepped off the stage while the crowd is silent and most of them is crying including his sister who¡¯s the only one close enough to him to know how really hard this is for him. He left the funeral with the eyes of a man who will burn this entire world. ¡°Brother, wait, I want to talk to you¡± Airi barely caught up with Akihiro. He looked back to see her running towards him. ¡°Don¡¯t do anything stupid¡± said Airi while trying to catch her breath. ¡°I have to find him. He has to pay for what he did¡± ¡°you¡¯re a detective Akihiro. You bring justice not chaos¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t see her. You didn¡¯t see how she died. How she was han¡­. hanged from a tree like some sort of animal. Whoever did this, to me he¡¯s not human. And I lost my humanity when Anastasia died?¡± ¡°Brother, I know that to be a lie. You can try to deny it but you really changed. You smiled for the first time. A real smile. You loved and you gave your heart out. For the first time in your live you were actually alive. You saw light and people who see light become addicted to it¡± ¡°I have to do this Airi. I need to breathe Airi¡± said Akihiro as he was trying to hide his panic attack which stopped when he met Anastasia and returned after her passing. ¡°I believe you¡¯ll do the right thing brother. You were always the smart one¡± ¡°You say that because you were always the kind one¡± said Akihiro while hugging his sister. He rode his car and drove away and while he was heading to the station, he got a phone call ¡°Akihiro speaking¡± ¡°Hey Hiro. This is Raphael¡± ¡°Talk to me¡± ¡°It happened again. We found another body¡± The eyes that were always hollow are now filled with the fire of vengeance ¡°Where?¡± Part Two 1 It was the first body since Akihiro¡¯s wife and the fourth body overall. The crime happened in the campus of the Rockwell university which is in front saint John the Baptist cathedral. Akihiro got to the crime scene and as soon as he looked up, he was shell shocked. The body in contrary to the previous murders in which the bodies were not damaged, the victims were choked to death and then hanged, this body was hanged from a tree from its head and two arms and it had a hole where the heart is supposed to be. ¡°It¡¯s barbaric, isn¡¯t it?¡± said Raphael. ¡°Humans are capable of much worse¡± ¡°Are you sure you¡¯re okay to investigate this case? I mean you should take a break or something. Your wife just died. It¡¯s okay I¡¯ll take over and find this bastard¡± ¡°I know you mean well but I won¡¯t go anywhere until I find who did this. I need to do this Raphael¡± ¡°I understand¡± said Raphael looking at his friend with a look conveying sadness and pity. ¡°But I don¡¯t¡± said a man who came from behind Akihiro. He turned around to find that it¡¯s captain frank Jackson. ¡°I can do this captain¡± said Akihiro with an angry tone. ¡°I don¡¯t doubt that but you¡¯re too emotionally involved in this. Your judgement is clouded at the moment.¡± ¡°My judgement has never been clearer. I¡¯m going find this monster if it¡¯s the last thing I do¡± ¡°Well, too bad Akihiro because that¡¯s an order. You¡¯re off this case,¡± shouted frank. He then said a bit more calmly ¡°go home and rest and I promise you we are going to find him. ¡°Yes, sir¡± said Akihiro ¡°It¡¯s up to you now Rahy¡± ¡°don¡¯t worry about it¡± ¡°Sir, we found something in the victim¡¯s mouth¡± said one of the forensics team. ¡°What is it?¡± said Raphael. ¡°it¡¯s a note with a sequence of numbers written in it¡± Akihiro took from the forensics guy using a tissue and looked at it. The paper contained a sequence of numbers which read: [5,19,1,5,12,16] [16,5,20,19] [5,8,20] [20,19,1,5,2] [18,8] Akihiro took a picture of it with his phone before Raphael snatched it from his hand and said angerly ¡°go home Akihiro¡± ¡°Fine fine. I¡¯ll go get a cup of coffee and then I¡¯ll go home. Promise¡± ¡°If I see you here again after this. I¡¯ll assign a force to take you home and see to it myself¡± ¡°Easy raphy, I¡¯ll go¡± said Akihiro with a fake smile. 2 Akihiro sat down on a bench at a green area inside the university. He took a sip of his coffee, lit a cigarette and kept looking at the photo of the code on his phone. He can¡¯t think straight. He is usually good at cracking codes but right now he can¡¯t think straight. His judgement is clouded and can¡¯t stay calm. He put the phone on the grass in front of him, buffed on his cigarette and closed his eyes. He remembered a time when he and his wife were lying on the bed, she was hugging him from behind and Chopin¡¯s Nocturne No.20 in C sharp minor was playing on the radio. ¡°How was work today?¡± Anastasia said in a calm and soothing tone. ¡°Same as always. A body was found hanged from a tree in the park near the river¡± ¡°Suicide?¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s a pattern now. This is the second body we find in that position. Choked to death and then hanged from a tree. No finger prints, no strange DNA on the body, no nothing.¡± ¡°So, the killer just chokes them and hangs them and that¡¯s it. no other damages to the bodies?¡± ¡°Yeah, exactly. In fact, the bodies are so clean that we suspected that the murderer was a mortician but this small town only has two of those and both of them had alibis¡± ¡°Isn¡¯t there anything common between the two victims¡± ¡°Not really, the first one is a female college student and the other is a male in his late twenties. Both of them were loved by everyone. I guess the common thing is that the people around them thought that they were angels. But that¡¯s not something that could be considered a lead¡± ¡°I guess maybe the murderer thought that these people were two good for this world. I mean think about it. even the murder method is so clean and gentle¡± ¡°Gentle?!¡± said Akihiro with a small laugh. ¡°You know what I mean. Don¡¯t take my words so literally. You have a better theory smart ass?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t really. Maybe except that you¡¯re a one psycho beautiful angel.¡± Said Akihiro and then he kissed her. Someone sat next to him interrupting his thoughts. A lad in his early twenties, his hair is medium length and its color is brown, he is tall probably 185 cm to 190 cm, no beard or mustache and he has that empty look that Akihiro used to have. ¡°Can I have a cigarette?¡± said the lad. ¡°Sure thing¡± He took the cigarette. Took a sip of a drink he brought with him in a black opaque bottle and then lit his cigarette. ¡°Are you allowed to drink alcohol in here?¡± ¡°Never really cared. I consider it a medicine and people don¡¯t seem to care¡± ¡°So, people actually know you drink in here and they let you¡± ¡°Well, not professors of course but students don¡¯t care. They just give you that look of disgust. But here¡¯s a secret for you; as long as you treat people how they want to be treated no one will care about you personally¡± You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story. ¡°If you told me that a couple of years earlier, I would have agreed with you but trust me lad; some people are born just so that they can find monsters like us and show them the light¡± ¡°Monsters huh¡± said the lad with a smile ¡°what gave you that idea¡± ¡°Well, I recognize that look you have. That empty look like you accepted living in darkness a long time ago¡± The lad¡¯s expression changed quickly from a smile to a dead stare ¡°We live among monsters. People who lie and kill for their personal gain. People who make you trust them only to take advantage of you. Let me ask you this Mr. detective¡± he put his hand on the back of Akihiro¡¯s neck and his lips were close to Akihiro¡¯s ear ¡°has anyone taken advantage of you before¡± Akihiro smiled a little ¡°You would be surprised kid¡± Akihiro continued ¡°there¡¯s light in this world you just have to be patient¡± The lad returned slowly to his place and said in a sad tone ¡°it¡¯s too late for people like me. But I¡¯m glad that one of us got to escape this fate¡± ¡°By the way, what¡¯s your name kid?¡± ¡°Harry Riddle and you?¡± ¡°Akihiro Hirayama and umm one more thing. Did you know the victim?¡± ¡°Met her only once or twice but I can tell you that she was an angel¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°You know how sometimes there are people who are too good for this world¡± ¡°Yeah. I might have heard that before¡± Akihiro looked at him like he¡¯s trying to gaze into his soul. He heard these words before. From his wife. Is this kid the murderer? No, he¡¯s just a kid. Well, I¡¯ll keep an eye on him just in case. ¡°It¡¯s just a thought. Don¡¯t look at me like that. I might fall in love Mr. Akihiro.¡± ¡°Pardon me kid. I just haven¡¯t slept in a couple of day and I think I¡¯m starting to lose my mind¡± ¡°Well, I have to return to class now¡± he put out his cigarette ¡°It was really nice meeting you and one more thing; Please stop the beast¡± ¡°You mean the murderer. Don¡¯t worry kid, I¡¯m motivated enough to catch this bastard¡± Akihiro also got up and left. On his way out of the campus he went by the crime scene. ¡°What did I tell?¡± shouted Raphael. ¡°The captain is gone right?¡± ¡°yeah¡± ¡°Then, you can chill out. I just need a favor¡± ¡°What is it?¡± ¡°I just need you to assign a patrol car to follow someone. His name is Harry Riddle, a student here¡± ¡°You think the murderer is a student? Just because one of the victims is a student here doesn¡¯t mean that the murderer has to be a student¡± ¡°Of course, it¡¯s just that... I¡¯m not an idiot. I spoke to him and there¡¯s something unsettling about him¡± ¡°I¡¯m not sending a patrol car based on a hunch¡± ¡°Come on Raphy. If you won¡¯t do it for me, do it for Anastasia¡± ¡°I lived to see the day that Akihiro emotionally manipulated someone. I understand that you¡¯re desperate to find the murderer but this is low¡± ¡°Desperate isn¡¯t enough to describe what I¡¯m feeling. That bastard took everything from me. She was my everything¡± ¡°Okay I¡¯m going to do it but promise me that you will go home now¡± ¡°I¡¯m promise. I¡¯m leaving now¡± ¡°And one more thing, Akihiro¡± Raphael hugged Akihiro and said ¡°Grieve. It¡¯s okay to grieve. you don¡¯t have to be strong all the time¡± Akihiro shed a tear or two which he wiped them quickly and said ¡°I kn¡­I know Old boy¡± he then left. 3 On his way home, Akihiro remembered a guy he caught five years ago who stabbed a guy in the arm and killed five others because he claimed they were spies sent by the Americans. How he came to that conclusion you might ask. He has Schizophrenia and like John Nash before him, he believed he was recruited by the Intelligence Agency of the country to crack the codes spies in the country used to communicate which they put out in the newspapers. He is now in a psychiatric ward, a bright mind that jumps between sanity and insanity. Akihiro thought that this man is the only one smart enough to break the code in this town. He called the ward, send them the code and they told him he could come and speak with him tomorrow. The next day, Akihiro went to the ward and as soon as he entered the room a voice greeted him ¡°Mr. Hirayama. It¡¯s been so long. How are you?¡± ¡°Believe me not long enough. Hello Matthew. I¡¯m fine.¡± ¡°Surely you don¡¯t look like it. you look like shit. When was the last time you slept?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, two, three days ago¡± ¡°Oh my. Must be Important then. You don¡¯t sleep. You come to the insane for help¡± Matthew was wearing a straight jacket and his legs wear chained. He came close to Akihiro and looked at him with a devious smile and said ¡°How is the wife?¡± Akihiro¡¯s cold expression changed to anger and he grabbed Matthew by the throat. ¡°Take it easy. I¡¯m insane remember.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care. Mention her one more time and I¡¯ll put six feet fucking under alive you punk¡± shouted Akihiro and then he let him go. ¡°I see you¡¯re not as cold as you used to be Mr. Hirayama. But I understand. Us crazy people have to stick together¡± ¡°Did you crack the code or not?¡± ¡°I did but let me ask you this; why should I help you?¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t expect you to cooperate that easily so I came prepared¡± ¡°You can¡¯t threaten me. I have nothing. My life ended a long time ago. All I have now is my wife and daughter and apparently I¡¯m the only one who can see them.¡± ¡°So, you don¡¯t care if you live or die¡± ¡°Exactly¡± said Matthew then he laughed hysterically. Akihiro pulled out his revolver took out all the bullets except for one. Rolled the wheel and then closed it. ¡°What are you doing¡± Matthew asked while stopping his laughter a bit by bit. ¡°You can¡¯t kill me. You¡¯re an officer. You can¡¯t do that¡± Akihiro looked at him with empty eyes and said in a cold calm voice ¡°I don¡¯t care about that anymore¡± then fired the first shot at Matthew and it was empty ¡°You¡¯re lucky. My turn now¡± ¡°Come one stop it. I¡¯m the villain you¡¯re the hero. That¡¯s not how this is supposed to go.¡± Shouted Matthew ¡°I¡¯m no hero. I¡¯m a monster and monsters kill until they¡¯re killed¡± then he put the to his head and fired the second shot which was also a blank. ¡°Looks like I¡¯m lucky too. Your turn¡± ¡°Okay, okay. I¡¯ll talk,¡± shouted Matthew ¡°Good¡± ¡°It read [Please stop the beast, HR]¡± Akihiro looked at him with shock and then ran out of the room. Matthew broke down on the ground and started to cry. Akihiro called Raphael ¡°Raphael speaking¡± ¡°Where is the kid I told you to watch now?¡± Asked Akihiro ¡°Take it easy. He went to his home yesterday and haven¡¯t left it then. Where are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m in my car and I¡¯m going to him now. Just tell me where he lives¡± ¡°Why?¡± ¡°It¡¯s him Raphy. He¡¯s the killer. I cracked the code¡± Raphy was lost for words for a second and then said ¡°o¡­okay. He lives at the 3rd district of the Rockwell residential apartment buildings. Building number five, second floor, apartment three.¡± ¡°Tell the force there now to arrest him until I arrive¡± ¡°Don¡¯t do anything stupid Akihiro. I¡¯m in my way too¡± Akihiro hung up ¡°Fuck¡± said Raphael then threw his phone one the ground. Akihiro is blind with anger at the moment. He got to the place and if you ask him, he won¡¯t be able to tell how he got there. He is not human at the moment. He got to the apartment, entered and what he saw made him lose his color. The body of Harry was hanging from a fan on the ceiling and there was a huge drawing of a tree on the wall behind him. When you enter the room, it would seem as if he hanging from a tree in his room. Akihiro¡¯s leg couldn¡¯t hold him anymore. He broke down on the ground lost for words, thoughts, energy and reason to keep on going. Raphael arrived and entered the room ¡°good god, bring him down¡± he ordered the men at the scene. ¡°Akihiro, are you alright?¡± asked Raphael. ¡°I don¡¯t know. Why did he do that? he has no right to end his life before he pays for what he did,¡± shouted Akihiro then he ran towards the body and started to punch it in the face ¡°Why did you kill her you bastard? What did she do to you? She was an angel. She was the only reason I had to love this miserable world. Why why why?¡± he started to cry Raphael held him back and hugged him and other officers are staring at him with pity. ¡°He is dead now and from the looks of it he¡¯s been dead since yesterday. There¡¯s nothing we can do.¡± Said Raphael while hugging Akihiro ¡°it¡¯s over now mate¡± ¡°Sir, we found something¡± said one of the officers. ¡°What is it?¡± asked Raphael ¡°it¡¯s a journal with the name of detective Akihiro written on it¡± Akihiro snatched it from his hands and started to look threw it but Raphael snatched it from his hand ¡°This is evidence¡± ¡°I need to know why Raphy¡± ¡°I know. Go home and rest and I¡¯ll make a copy and send to you tonight. I promise¡± ¡°Okay. I¡¯m leaving¡± ¡°By the way. How did you crack the code and how did you know it was this kid?¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t, Matthew did¡± ¡°Matthew!? As in Matthew Bradford the schizophrenic¡± ¡°Yeah¡± ¡°You really are desperate to count on the insane. And how did you know it was the kid¡± ¡°The message reads [Please stop the beast, HR]. he said that to me at the campus but I thought he was just scared of the murderer but now I know better¡± ¡°So, he wanted you to stop him!?¡± Akihiro didn¡¯t respond and his empty look mixed with his weariness and despair made him look like a corpse walking. ¡°Go home now Akihiro¡± Akihiro left and didn¡¯t say a word. At around 12 am. Raphael faxed Akihiro the journal. Akihiro hasn¡¯t slept yet and he¡¯s been drinking staring into an empty wall since he got home. He picked up the journal and a bottle of Vodka, put his gun which he hasn¡¯t touched since he was with Matthew on the table in front of him, poured himself a glass and started to read. Part III (1) 1 I¡¯m writing this as I¡¯m out of options. My final cry for help to whoever would care to read this. This is my SOS as I think I¡¯m starting to lose my mind. I feel a black hole growing inside of me filled with hatred towards this world and everybody in it. I¡¯m writing this in the hope that it might help me feel heard even if it¡¯s just for a few minutes. My name is Harry Riddle and at the time of writing this I¡¯m 22 years old but the story started a long time ago, exactly 14 years ago. I still remember it like it was yesterday; my mother crying, my older sister laughing and my father tying me to the bed and beating the living shit out of me using a belt. This was the first time I felt completely alone. Of course, I blacked out for most of it but when I woke up and looked in my father¡¯s eyes, I realized that this wasn¡¯t a one-time thing, him losing his temper just this time, no no, he was proud of himself. He thought he was doing the right thing, that he was disciplining me, turning me into a real man as he always used to say every time, he did something that robbed me of my childhood. My mother while crying she was the one always telling him how I¡¯m a strange kid that should be disciplined. Finally, my sister who despite being older and should look after me she chose to use me as her replacement for my father¡¯s beating. Despite all that I now understand. I understand that they all acted as how the world taught them to act. My father and mother probably think that they tried their best raising us but they created an opportunist who didn¡¯t care about the fate of anybody other than herself in my dear sister and something far worse represented in yours truly. The world was cruel to them and the world used them to be cruel to me. Beating me for every small mistake became the norm in our household. I took a beating from them all until one day I wasn¡¯t alone anymore. I saw two kids who looked exactly like me and were about the same age as me. They told me that they were here to comfort me and to let me know that I¡¯m not alone. At first, I was scared and told my father and he as you might expect didn¡¯t take me seriously and told me to pray or something. Yeah, because God took good care of me up until that point. Anyway, I kept talking to them about my problems, fantasies and dreams and they always listened to me. One of them had a scar on his left eye and the other didn¡¯t. that¡¯s the only thing I knew about those two back then. I was selfish. I feared that if I knew too much about them, they would disappear. I chose my own happiness over theirs and what happiness it was. For some strange reason, I can¡¯t remember a single nice memory from my childhood just those two, my family¡¯s beating and the holy book. Like everything in my life up until that point, I was taught about religion through fear of the creator. Has anyone ever thought that God maybe has a personality disorder? How could you be the most merciful and cause so much pain. Where is God when there¡¯s a famine or when a child gets cancer or when a child is raped multiple time. Where is God then. I believe that God exists only so that I could face him one day and express my hatred towards him. Like that would do anything. 2 This next part is so hard to write. Because what I¡¯m about to write is probably the reason why for most of my life I was trapped in a room of my own guilt and there were no door leading to redemption, whenever you try to get out, the room gets darker and darker. Destiny has now created the perfect prey; a child scared of everything, alone and has no one to turn to for help. Now it¡¯s time that he¡¯s hunted. I had a cousin who was in his early twenties at the time and he knew me and my situation. So, he would always invite me over to play and at the time, my parents needed me to be supervised because they were busy with life and our financial situation which was shitty at the time but they didn¡¯t care who was looking after me and what I was doing. Anyway, he told me about porn and made me watch porn with him. The first time I ever watched porn I was in the second grade and I felt my heart beating so fast and I didn¡¯t know what to make of it. it¡¯s like taking a house pet and putting it in the wild. He would always play house with me and we pretend to be husband and wife and yours truly would be the wife of course. He would French kiss me touch me and finger me and I would do nothing. I never complained because I knew if my parents found out they would kill me like I¡¯m the rapist not the victim. Also, for the first time in my life someone was gentle with me. He didn¡¯t beat me or shout at me. He just held me gently. He was the only one who was kind to me growing up. I remember one time he asked me if he could fuck me and I was scared (I was in the fifth grade at the time). I refused and he waited until I was asleep and he did it. I woke up of course but I never looked at him while he was doing it. I just closed my eyes like I always do when my father beats me and waited for it all to be over. My mother and his mother walked on us doing it but we were able to fix our clothes before they saw us. I remember my mother taking me to the balcony, looking at me and asking me what we were doing. ¡°We were just playing¡± ¡°What were you playing?¡± ¡°Wrestling¡± ¡°Why is your undershirt pulled out like that?¡± ¡°I just forgot to fix it while I was in the toilet¡± She kept staring at me and I could swear her eyes had murder intentions like she will through me off the balcony if I was lying but nothing happened. Nothing. We never talked about this ever again and life went on. I never talked about this with my imaginary friends but I began to notice the one with the scar started to get angrier with time. He began to direct this anger towards me calling me a coward and a nobody and that I will be the reason for our demise and I was a kid back then so I never understood why but I believed him. I mean look at me I didn¡¯t feel a thing at this point in my life. I dealt with every abuse by letting it play out and can you blame me. What was I supposed to do? Kill my cousin, my father, my mother and my sister then what? Will life stop throwing glass in my path? I didn¡¯t think so at the time. 3 How does it feel to hurt somebody? Should a person feel guilty, ashamed, like he lost the right to call himself human? Should a person feel joy, should he feel some sort of orgasm from his deed. I guess I can¡¯t claim that I felt anything from hurting people and I hurt a lot of people. Why I did that you might ask. I just hated some people in my life. The liars, the oppressors and the worst of the worst, people who are empty. People who have no opinion or ideology and don¡¯t try to understand and they do evil deeds anyway. Those empty evil vessels wandering aimlessly without purpose. All those people didn¡¯t deserve to live in my opinion and I took upon myself to punish those people. I was in prep school at the time when I first became a hunter. And my first target was my mother. The crying wolf. Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings. One day, I came home from school to find out that my mother was looking through my computer and she found my porn so she told me that she would call my father and I begged her not to do that. I cried, got down on my knees and begged for my life but it didn¡¯t matter to me like she felt pleasure by making me beg and I saw it in a small smile she let escape uncovering her true self. She told my father and this time it wasn¡¯t like the usual. I waited for him for three hours to get home from work. in those three hours I discovered that I¡¯m not afraid. I¡¯m not anything just a punching bag. When he rang the bell, I opened the door and as soon as I did that, he punched me in the face, dragged me across the floor and hailed on me with punches calling me a devil. I looked at my mother and what I saw broke something in me. I saw her crying while touching herself. Is this what a mother is supposed to be I asked myself before I blacked out. That night I woke up bruised and with a problem in my right leg. I dragged myself to my parents¡¯ room and it was empty but there¡¯s a light coming from the balcony and there I saw mother hanging washed clothes to dry. I picked an old iron pipe and hit my mother with it on the head. What I felt at that moment would drive me insane. I felt nothing, no pleasure, no relief and no pain. I realized that she just deserved to die noting more and noting less. So, I picked her up, kissed her on the forehead and threw her off the balcony. That¡¯s justice I kept telling myself. I cleaned the pipe, threw on the roof of a building next to ours then I went to bed and I couldn¡¯t catch a good moment of sleep from then on. To this day I only sleep after taking two to three sleeping pills. Next morning, the police came. They ruled it as an accident; that she slipped and fell to her demise. Of course, as a kid I was hardly a suspect and I acted as if I was in total shock while I was actually planning my next hunt but how would I go about it and who would it be? My father was a mess of course and my sister of course didn¡¯t give a single shit but cried crocodile tears of course. Look at us what a happy family. 4 Five years passed after I killed my mother without me killing anyone. My father fell into drunken depression and my sister fell into verbally and physically tormenting me for pleasure but I didn¡¯t mind because at the time I had a hobby that felled some what the void where my heart used to be. I started drugging my father and sister at night and at those nights I finally felt free. I started to strip them naked, put ¡°Introduction and rondo capriccioso in A minor, Op 28¡± on, lay beside them and then hugging them and I would feel my heart beating strong and my breath becoming heavy. at the time this was love to me and nothing else. One of my imaginary friends would appear (the other one not the one with the scar) when I did so. he would dance in front of me and when I ask him where the other one went, he wouldn¡¯t answer and apparently, I never cared enough to keep on asking him. I kept on doing so until I went to college and those nights were the only reason, I haven¡¯t killed my father and sister yet but I¡¯ll and soon because that¡¯s justice. The world has to be cleansed from those deranged and evil victims of life. 5 I used to have dreams about meeting the perfect girl. Kind, gentle and with a heart empty of human hatred but after a while I believed that this isn¡¯t possible and even part of me believed that if a person like that existed, they shouldn¡¯t grace this shit hole we call life with their presence. This all changed when I met Mary. A woman that made Mary mother of Jesus appear as cruel as Stalin. I met her in my first year of college. She and I chose the same major which is art and that is the only time up until now that destiny graced me with a gentle touch. She sat next to me on a bench at a green area of the university. I had my headphones on listening to dogs by pink Floyd and was smoking a cigarette. she came close to me, took my headphones off and said ¡°Hey pretty boy, can I have a cigarette?¡± I¡¯m not that sociable and that moment when I looked at her, she seemed so happy that I wanted to strangle her. So, I gave her a cigarette, put my headphones back on and took my eyes off her. She removed my headphones again ¡°A lighter, please. Can¡¯t you be nice to a lady? What happened to being a gentleman?¡± ¡°Believe me ma¡¯am I¡¯m no gentleman?¡± ¡°Oh yeah and why is that pretty boy. You¡¯re handsome, well dressed and the only thing stopping you from being nice is you¡± ¡°Clearly the saddest thing that happened in your life is that you cat died or something. You know nothing of what life can do to stop a person from being ¡°nice¡±¡± I said with an angry tone in my voice. ¡°First of all, a cat¡¯s life is still a life. Secondly, you have no idea what my life has been like, you self-centered bastard¡± she shouted. I was speechless for a couple of seconds because I knew she was right. I broke the silent and said ¡°I apologize if I hurt your feelings. I¡¯m just not used to people being nice to me so being a bastard is like a defense mechanism or something. I understand if you want to leave now¡± ¡°See, you can be nice and it cost you noting. I¡¯m sorry I shouted at you. What your name by the way?¡± ¡°Harry Riddle¡± ¡°Nice to meet you harry. I¡¯m Mary Willems.¡± We sat in silence for a couple of seconds before I broke it and said ¡°Can I ask you a question? Why did you come to talk to me? I notice people look at me. They think I¡¯m weird, a lone, etc.¡± ¡°Honestly, I haven¡¯t really thought it through¡± she took a drag from her cigarette and continued ¡°I think I see darkness inside of you and I know how lonely it can get so I wanted you not feel lonely. Maybe I want to feel good about myself. All is possible¡± ¡°You know I see it in you too.¡± ¡°Because it¡¯s like a scar. No matter how hard you try to hide it won¡¯t go away so it¡¯s better to own it and prevent others from experiencing the same ordeal¡± said she then smiled and looked at me and in that moment, I stared into the eyes of an angel. Eyes that shine like the sun. a light able to scare away the strongest of woes. ¡°How can you be this kind in this jungle?¡± She looked at her phone and said ¡°that¡¯s a story for another time. I have a class now but I can tell you over a dinner tonight. Can I take out to dinner Mr. Riddle?¡± I couldn¡¯t help but smile ¡°sounds wonderful¡± ¡°So, you do know how to smile. Anyway, see you later¡± ¡°See you¡± I looked at the sky. It was as clear as ever. I¡¯m in love?! 6 When I got home that day, I couldn¡¯t stop myself from smiling. I had no control but this about to pass any way because I had to visit my family later that day. Ever since I started college, I got my own place and became more independent. Living alone brought me a little peace but loneliness started to drive me insane. I can¡¯t be alone for a long time. I have to surrounded by people even if I¡¯m sitting alone at a coffee place. Even my imaginary friends stopped showing up which made my loneliness even worse. When I sit alone at a coffee place or in college and look around me. I see people sitting together; talking, laughing and joking and I think to myself; have these people ever felt broken? Have the weight of life ever crush their spirits? Are they all strong and I¡¯m weak or is life just this unfair? Anyway, I went that night to visit my father and sister. When I entered the house, I saw my sister sitting on the couch smoking a joint which took me by surprise ¡°Hey, look who decided to show up, the murderer¡± ¡°Nice to see you too sis¡± She looked at me with disgust and said ¡°You¡¯re no brother to me. You¡¯re a murderer. The scum of this earth.¡± I understood that she is high and emotional so I didn¡¯t say anything and headed for parents¡¯ bedroom to say hi to my father. ¡°Don¡¯t ignore me you bastard¡± said my sister as she was getting up. She ran towards me and started to hit me ¡°You¡¯re not human. You¡¯re a monster. You¡¯re the reason we are this miserable. It¡¯s all your fault. I hope your death is slow and painful¡± I don¡¯t know what came over me but I grabbed her hands, looked at her dead in the eyes and said ¡°If I¡¯m a murderer then you¡¯re still alive out of the kindness of what¡¯s left of my heart so don¡¯t test me¡± My father got out of his room with a bottle in his hand and it seems he hasn¡¯t got out of his room in a while. He looked at me then threw the bottle at me and shouted ¡°Murderer¡± ¡°Miss you too, father¡± ¡°don¡¯t call me that you¡¯re no son to me¡± I thought to myself ¡®have you looked in the mirror. You¡¯re not a father and should never have been one¡¯ but I just stayed silent. ¡°You have nothing to say huh, coward¡± I swallowed any words I had and any anger I could project towards and I simply turned around and left. They kept on shouting but I didn¡¯t care for what they were saying. I simply left before I kill them both which was something I felt repeating in my head. It¡¯s like there was a voice in my head saying ¡®kill them, they don¡¯t deserve to exist. This world should be for the good only. Not for those demons. Well, I think I¡¯m one of those demons now. Maybe I should take my own life too. I went home later that night after I bought a bottle of vodka and I drank myself blind. People should know about my pain. People should try to understand. Why am I alone in this? Another voice in my head kept say ¡®coward, you don¡¯t have what it takes to live in this jungle. Just keep feeling sorry for yourself. That will fix it¡¯ and then it laughed. I wanted to feel that pain is real so I grabbed a box cutter and ran it through my arms so deep that I saw the fat layer of my arm. It calmed me down a bit. I washed it with water then went to bed and in the middle of this darkness I saw Mary¡¯s face shining like the sun. it made me smile a bit, shed a tear or two then I fell asleep.