《The Epic Of Placeholder McGee》


 Places to be held

    Hello there! My name is [placeholder] and I''m a [placeholder]!


    Now you are probably thinking of asking something like ''[placeholder] what kind of story is this?'' or ''[placeholder] why am I so attracted toyour manliness?¡¯.


    Well I''ll tell you. This story is about me [placeholder] and my adventures as a [placeholder]! In this story you will find Action, Adventure, Romance, Canc-*COUGH COUGH* I mean¡­Harems, and much more!


    What¡¯s that? The Harem and Romance tags shouldn¡¯t ever be seen on the same story? Well I must say I agree with you there friend.


    This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    After all, Harems are pretty much just mindless gatherings of females trying to get into the pants of some random dude that¡¯s probably a complete creep waiting for the chance to enslave them all or is gay and doesn¡¯t realize that all of his followers want his dick.


    While romance is¡­I dunno, the same thing just with less people? Huh, I guess maybe Harems and Romance can get along. Such a happy ending! Two tags that are complete opposites yet exactly the same.


    I guess that just shows that you shouldn¡¯t judge a book by its cover, I mean, you came here to read a story about a [placeholder] but instead you got to read about Harems and Romance being the same thing.


    Well, that¡¯s all, you can go now.

 More places to be held

    Hey! It''s me! [Placeholder]! It''s been a while, hasn''t it?


    Well, I guess it''s time for me to get off my lazy ass and start writing. After all, I do have a single favorite that was probably given out of pity.


    Oh, how I love pity parties, they really do satisfy that little hole in my life that constantly screams for me to feel above others.


    What? Don''t know what I''m talking about? Well I''m talking about Tragedy stories of course!


    You know, the ones with the Anti-Hero Lead''s that are constantly moaning and whining about how terrible and unfair life has been to him/her as he/she goes around murdering and torturing people who, if we''re being honest, have probably gone through things hundreds of times worse than what the mc went through.


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    Unless we''re talking about the mc''s who were tortured by the gods or deconstructed particle by particle to atone for their sins, those ones have an excuse for the hate.


    Personally I like to call these stories the "I''m too lazy or unimaginative to create a scenario that would logically make the mc hate the universe so I''ll just say they were tortured" genre. Good name, right?


    Yea, I think so too. After all, most stories about tragic anti-hero mc''s are just futile attempts at getting out of the all consuming void that is their depressing lives, letting them live out their immoral fantasies with the excuses of "it''s just a story" and "the main character was abused one time as a child, obviously he/she''s going to go around murdering innocent people who had nothing to do with his childhoot trauma".


    Huh, I guess some people are just too edgy for me. I''ll just stick to regular things, like Supernatural Non-Fiction!


    ...wait...


    Anyway, that''s all for now, see you around!

 Holding the place

    Oh, hello there, I didn''t notice you there!


    Right, so, you know those stories with the ''Female-Leads''? Well personally I think that they are mostly complete and utter garbage.


    You know what I mean, those stories where there''s some random chick who pops into existence so that she can become some ''badass lady who don''t need no man'' who then proceeds to find a man to latch onto.


    Now I''m not saying that they''re all garbage, there are plenty of amazing stories with female leads like The Wandering Inn and...well that''s the only one I can think of right now but that''s not important okay?!


    Anyway, most of these stories are probably just some random kinky virgin''s attempts at creating their ''perfect woman'' due to the fact that a large amount of these stories revolve around some random sex crazed psychopath/sociopath that has a ''perfect body'' and a face that could ''rival the gods''.


    Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    Well, to be fair I''m also a virgin, and I haven''t actually read many of these stories but I''m giving an educated guess when I assume that they''re mostly garbage.


    I mean, in almost all of the stories I''ve read the mc doesn''t even act like an actual person, though to be fair most stories in general have unrealistic characters and the mc''s are typically depicted as these perfect people who are smarter than everyone else and are morally perfect while at the same time are completely irresponsible with everything they do.


    Huh, I guess the moral of all this is that ya''ll need to stop with all this nonsense about how ya''ll think wamen work and should be, so instead of trying to make wamin the way you thunk would somehow make a good story you should write actual stories with characters the way peeps really are, flawed and incredibly stupid.


    Too controversial? Meh...

 The places being held

    Ah, Wuxia stories, the forbidden fruit for non-weebs.


    It''s not like I don''t get why people like them, but I do think that the people in the stories need to calm the hell down.


    Like, have you ever read a wuxia story? The people are constantly murdering eachother for no reason and they''re all greedy assholes.


    I mean, yea people are greedy, but it''s not like we''re all ''Hah? That man has a pebble...I WANT IT I"LL KILL HIM FOR IT!''. Like really, unless that''s how chinese people actually act, the people in those stories shouldn''t be like that at all.


    Then there''s the problem of trust, like, these people don''t trust anyone unless they''ve been enslaved or bound to them in some way. There could be two people who have been best friends for hundreds of years and these daft fuckers would still not trust eachother to hold a fucking door open!


    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    Well it''s not like it''s all bad, there are a few good things, like uhh...Old people! Yeah! Old people are pretty nice, when they aren''t just as greedy as the young people, because they''re all ''Hoho I''m old and wise and stuff so I''m going to teach you''.


    Hmm...well, not much else to talk about other than the whole "instant youngification" cleche that every Wuxia story has.


    It''s like these people have a vendetta against looking old, and the ones that have older mc''s always look at most fifty. I mean really, is it that hard to write a story about some old boi who is all wrinkly and stuff?


    Well whatever, I guess Wuxia mc''s are all doomed to be young, greedy, and suspicious for the rest of eternity.


    Onward to disappointment and whatnot...

 The grasper...for holding places

    I think I''ve let the [placeholder] cook for about long enough for it''s comeback to be cool...nope, still gross.


    Hello there, it''s me! [placeholder]! It sure has been a while since our last chat hasnt it?


    Well the reason for that is this exact topic! Stories that have been thrown into the void never to return again, or if they do return it is with glorious mediocrity that will be universally ignored with about the same energy as a sloth getting ready to shit after a week of digesting. Though, that isn''t the real problem the readers have with these poor husks of stories.


    No, the real problem for you readers is that the story slave that you''ve been whiping with your praise and encouragement has suddenly fucking imploded and you have no idea why. Well I''ll tell you exactly why.


    Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.


    It''s cuz they fuckin dead.


    Yep, that''s right, all those abandoned stories floating around this site that havent been touched in years are the way they are because the authors died. In memory of these fallen peasants I shal list some of the ways they died.


    Methods of deathification include:


    Drowning, hanging, evaporation, evisceration, decapitation, (we get it you) vapeorisation, circumcision gone wrong, circumcision gone right, blowing too fat of a cloud, blowing too fat of a clown, sudden skull cave in disease, being a lil bitch, ignoring that one kid who told you not to come to school, bleeding out while shaving, suffocation, drinking gogo juice, implosive diarrhea, dehydration, excessive hydration, being crushed by a trash compactor, getting eaten by a god damn furry, eating a god damn furry and contracting a really old strain of smallpox, stepping on a lego, watching "a serbian film" three times in a row, flying a bit too low and being gored by a unicorn, coffe enema addiction, and finally...aids.


    So next time you see some poor story that hasnt been touched in years, know that it''s creator is more than likely dead and probably not burried because of overwhelming debt.


    However you need not worry, for you may dread it, you may run from it, but a story slave always arrives.

 Being held in the holding place

    *[Placeholder] appears pulling a shotgun out of their throat*


    Oh! Hey! It''s me! [Placeholder]!


    Wow, it sure has been a while hasn''t it?


    What''s that? You want me to talk to you about things and stuff that are drastically lacking in the world of trash tier writers? Well I''m glad you asked me to do that because that''s exactly what I''m about to fail to do!


    I''ve been noticing a serious lack of a certain kind of people in our non romance stories that I believe would add a good amount of yokey jokies and meme''y weem''y goodness to them. I''m speaking, of course, of the big booti clap slappers. The herpie derpie bum succers. The forbidden ball touchers! That''s right folks! I''m talkin bout fukin TRAPS! Because traps are gay but there will be no stopping our revolution!


    Writers! Join me in my crusade against all the filthy, heretical, cretins that are the non trap lovers and flood this site in a sea of traps and homoerotic sexual tension! The admins dm''s and faces will run pink with our flowery letters and scented perfumes!


    Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more.


    The streets will run red with the blood of the non-believers and heretical admins that would try to stop our cause! They will suffocate beneath our frilly dresses and thick co-*cough* C-conditioned hair! There will be no stopping us in our holy war against the filthy normies and blasphemous non-trap manlets!


    Now I know what you''re thinking: [Placeholder]! How could you say something so controversial yet so brave? Well the answer is simple, you simp...Because. I. Can. And there''s nothing you can do to stop me! We will win this blessed war and eliminate all who get in our way with our gaping holes and violent divine retribution!


    We shal not be stopped by the weak willed jocks and foolish nerds that think themselves worthy of normal wamen and yet shun the obviously superior traps! They are but fools unworthy of even the love of rocks and dust! They shal burn for eternity for their foolish arrogance and we shal make meat suits of their corpses to parade in front of their neighbors as a message of what will happen to all the filthy troglodytes that think themselves chads when in actuality they are mere peasant scum!


    Anyhoo I think that got my point across. Brothers and sisters of the trap legion, I bid you adieu.

 Places holding holders

    Well, let''s see if it''s stewed long enough now...Oh hey! That looks prett-no, wait, that''s just mold.


    Anyway, it''s been a bit huh? You''ve probably been wondering where I''ve gone, agonizing over my lack of content, drooling at the mere thought of me posting another chapter. Well here it i-you haven''t? You forgot this story existed? You forgot I existed!?


    Well there goes my self confidence I guess, you couldn''t have even pretended could you? No, let''s all be mean to [Placeholder] by telling the truth and stippidy step all over his feelings.


    Whatever, doesn''t matter, that''s not why you''re here anyway. No you''re here for something different, something special, aren''t you. Humph, very well, here it is...


    ...But what is there to write about? I''ve already done it all, haven''t I? I did wuxia and all of its content (don''t try and pretend there''s anything more to those stories we all know it''s not true), I did edgy edgelords and their lacking social skills, I did begging for scraps from my readers, I did romance and aids, I even explained why stories suddenly stop, whatever could there possibly be to write abo- *[Placeholder freezes and suddenly stares the reader directly in their exposed weenus* That''s it! I know exactly what to write about!


    It''s time, dear reader, for us to speak of something that any socially competent person knows to fear discussing not only in public but also in private, as you never know who could be listening in. ([Placeholder] looks around nervously, completely missing FBI-chan watching from the rooftops) That''s right reader, It''s time to discuss...


    Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    FANFICTION


    Now I know what you''re thinking, "Oh [Placeholder] you''re so handsome and sexy" well stop that, this is serious business! You can think about that later. For now we must tread the dangerous and cringe world of fannius fictonius, the dreaded thieves of conceptual worlds and skirters of legality with their "go funding me''s" and their "patrions" bah! Thieves the lot of them! Back in my day if someone copied your work you beat them with a stick and called them a stinky doodie head, but now we have all these stupid things like laws about assault and "being an adult", humph stupid I say.


    What was I talking about? Fanfiction, right, well since you all are basically braindead what with all the lead and asbestos in your walls I''ll make this simple. Fanfiction is pretty cringe dawg. Why is it cringe you ask? Well that''s simple, it''s because...It''s cringe because...Why is fanfiction cringe again? It can''t be because of the stories themselves, fanfiction is basically a compliment in the sense that they enjoyed your content so much that they wanted to continue it''s existence, if in a different direction, so it''s probably not that. It can''t be because of the writers themselves because you''re not supposed to make fun of the mentally disabled. What could it possibly be...Eureka! It''s the shippers!


    That''s right folks, the reason fanfiction is cringe is because of all of those filthy shippers that can''t accept that Bella and Jacob were obviously made for each other and that John snow and that one really short guy were definitely into each other and you can''t prove otherwise!


    Hmm? Not all fanfictions involve shipping? Oh...I see...Well in that case it mus-What did you just say?! I am not a shipper! Everything I say is completely objective and unbiased! Just because you''re wrong doesn''t mean you should try to take it out on me!


    Oh now I see, I see how it is, you all don''t care about me at all do you? I''m just some target for you to take your frustrations out on because you''re wrong and can''t just look at photoshoped pictures of the male Pink Ranger to get rid of your shame like a normal person!


    Fine, if that''s how it''s gonna be, I''ll show you, I''ll show you all! You''ll rue the day you claimed Edward was a better male lead than Jacob, RUE IT!

 Chapter One...I Think

    I walk up the path to the fighting platform I discovered while climbing a mountain to look down upon those inferior to me. Excited sweat pouring down my body from my pores that grow the liquid known as sweat so that it may pour down my body for no conceivable reason other than to make me wet. Luckily for me being wet is a great advantage in a fight as it ensures that the grabbing digits of my foes cannot find purchase upon my supple and nubile flesh, as well as protecting me from overheating via homeostasis.


    Yes, I am indeed quite smart, no need to fall over yourselves to compliment me.


    I arrive upon the platform to learn of who my newest foe shall be, dragging my eyes over his heavily tanned skin and vaguely muscular form for a few moments before he speaks. "Eww, what the fuck!"


    I quickly pull my eye stalks back into my skull and blush in mild embarrassment. "My apologies fellow human I, Norma of the clan Lhuman, was merely excited to greet you in the perfectly normal ways of my small forest/mountain/desert village that is now abandoned due to monster attacks and thus unable to confirm or deny my existence or its customs."


    If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.


    The man squints at me for an amount of time before accepting my perfectly rational and not at all suspicious answer. "Uh, okay? My name is Timmy and I''m sure you can guess what my clan is by my robes" He says proudly gesturing to the image on his robe thing.


    "Um...White...Claw?" I guess.


    He quickly begins looking around nervously before looking back at me. "Ah n-no it''s Light Gray Claw, completely different and totally legally distinct."


    "Ah, of course, how silly of me to have made such a simple mistake." I say, my face becoming hot in embarrassment.


    "Nah it''s fine, happens all the time really." He glances upon my soft, squishy form and my quickly heating head. "Hey uh, you feeling okay? Your face is looking kinda r-" is as far as he gets before he is completely incinerated by my completely human eye beams to ensure that he cannot tell of my shame.


    "My apologies Timmy, but I cannot allow my perfect disguise to be uncovered" I say in apology as I leave the platform that in hindsight, based on the farming tools and plants, may have simply been a field intended for plant life that requires greater access to sunlight.


    Hmm.

 Chapter One: The Cranberry Diet

    The saying "you are what you eat" has always held a corner of my mind hostage, taunting me with it''s implication that I am anything other than human.


    Well, I have decided that enough is enough and have of my own volition decided to enact an experiment I have entitled "The Cranberry Diet". I know the name may imply that this experiment is merely some attempt to lose weight by eating cranberries but that is merely a ruse to deceive those who would try to stop me from putting this foolish rumor to rest.


    If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    The Cranberry Diet is my magnum opus, my greatest theoretical achievement through which I will ascend the ranks of scientific genius and take my rightful place at the top. Those fools at my community college will weep in despair as they look upon my genius and drown themselves in regret, knowing that expelling me was their greatest mistake!


    (How was I supposed to know that seeing eye dog was allergic to chocolate?)


    Moving on, I will now begin day one of testing.


    My first impression is that cranberries are quite gross, my second is that it''s getting hard to breathdrycufvgh k