《Unrepentant Hopes (First Draft)》


 Chapter 1

    Drefan


    Autumn of 3390


    If drugs were only taken for necessity and hardly ever for want alone, I would have had no reason to take the bottle of crushed opium into the northlands. All the reasons for the spite and my driving need to forget and feel nothing had been left behind in Royale, far to the south. There was freedom in the desert sands that should have stomped out any need for the drug. But I would not admit to myself the continued desire for relief and the fixation, no, the physical dependence that I had on the use of the poppy.


    Laid out on a hardwood platform, there should have been a sense of shame when Yeshe found me. But time and space were outside of my understanding, forcibly affected while I was lying on the mat. How long had it been since I had seen my brother''s face? Since the sun had warmed my skin? I only remember feeling as though I was ¡®not there¡¯ as the opium unfocused my eyes, impaired my coordination, and took the feeling from my extremities. The herb had kicked my ass months before the Guard found me so there was no respect left to lose.


    Opium plays on compulsive behavior and weak self-discipline. I had plenty of both regardless of how I presented myself to the world. Once I had acquired a taste for the drug I had looked forward to the hours wrapped in its embrace more than anything else. I could never have been the one who weaned me off. No, it was my brother who conceived of the plan to bring me home.


    I had always underestimated Thom, and that was unlikely to change. I had named myself his protector not long after he was born and his mother entered the river below, leaving my heartbroken Father behind. It had taken rumors of great power in the north to see me leave his side. There were so many what-ifs of my being gone and he left alone to deal with our Father¡¯s rage. But if I had found the sword, the prison of our ancestor¡¯s soul, maybe then with Drakor¡¯s help I would have had the power to push back. There had been rumors of the sword in the caves of Kustel and I had taken a chance so that I could have the strength to stop Robert, so he never laid another hand on either of us.


    Yet no, I heeded the vapor and listened to the tune on my nerves, forgetting about time, hunger, and fatigue. So Yeshe found my body in the den and my brain floating above the sea. Cramped quarters filled with bodies, smokers in various stages of mental and physical decay. I don¡¯t recall how they removed me, only that everything hurt, but that the pain came in slow motion, registering on every nerve-ending. My pulse had rattled, and my heart sizzled in my chest as withdrawal took me through agonizing heights.


    It was the smell that woke me some time later. Over the edge of the bed, I dry hurled into a waste bucket already full from my bloating insides. The cramps tried to double me over and I cried out without a voice to articulate the pain. The chain clanged in protest as throwing up moved my limbs, stretching the impediment to its manacled length on my ankle. The aching pains were mostly in the calves of the legs and between my shoulder blades. I had no energy to speak of but restlessness remained. They had trussed me to the bed? How long have I been here? Like this?


    Unfamiliar surroundings, worn plank walls, and hay-covered floors.


    At least they had not gagged me.


    There were stories of those who were forced off the drug, begging for relief hours before they were screaming, shrieking prayers through multiple nights. Had I done the same?


    The burning of my throat was my answered shame. No wonder I was in this place, likely far from civilized people. Itching, the tip of my nose, my scalp, and neck, between my shoulder blades, my fingers came away bloody.


    The chain on the door was pulled and the door dragged against the floor as it opened toward me. My limbs refused to cooperate as I made attempts to pull myself back and away from whoever was intruding upon the silence that I had so far taken for granted. The opium had only tapped harder on an already deep well of unease, on fears that I could not stomp down even when I knew there was no real danger to my person. Raw, like exposed flesh, the mask of uncaring that I had shown the world was beyond my ability to cover up with this time.


    Long wild cords of dark hair framed a tanned face that I was glad to see. Avan.


    He shuffles into the barn making a disgusted face at the state of the place, holding onto a clean slop bucket. Placing it near, Avan settles onto the bed gingerly, eyeing me oddly, as though I would react ill-naturedly to his closeness.


    ¡°You called out to him,¡± my friend informs me, allowing me to guess who he was referring to.


    ¡°I did?¡± my dried throat did not help how I wheezed.


    Avan shrugs, ¡°You were in agony these last seven days. It would have been stranger if you had not called out to Lord Nanqa to stop the pain.¡±


    Wait. ¡°Seven days? I¡¯ve been here for seven days?¡±


    ¡°If you do not remember all of it then Lord Nanqa has blessed you with some ignorance, at least.¡±


    A snort and I pulled a leg to my chest, ¡°I remember Yeshe and the quest I had abandoned. Who else knows I¡¯m here?¡±


    ¡°Mistress Suinia, Prince Thom, and my family.¡±


    ¡°Thom?¡± my friend could likely hear my disturbance at this fact.


    ¡°Yes, he wants to see you.¡±


    ¡°No. Not like this.¡±


    ¡°Your Highness¡­Drefan, he has already seen you worse. He was here when Mistress Suinia and Lord Yeshe brought you back. It was like you had taken a trip to hell and not the deserts.¡±


    Avan absently played with the ropes of his hair, pulling at the loose bottom lengths.


    His black brows furrowed, ¡°We feared you would die but we could do nothing if we wanted you to be free of the drug. I could not take listening to your begging any longer.¡±


    I was not the only one put through hell by what I had done. Were no decisions and consequences thereof my own?


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Avan.¡±


    A small smile appeared beneath that childish mustache. Facial hair that was struggling to define my friend as the man that he wanted others to see him as. ¡°You lived through those nights. Now you just have to live through going back to your family.¡±


    I shook my head, too fast; the room blurred and caused motion sickness. Gagging into the bucket once again I groaned.


    Avan gripped my shoulder while saying nothing. It was his way, he was a man of few words and I had always appreciated the silent companionship. He had supported me and listened even before he had known that I was royalty. But I had always wondered if I was risking him by keeping his counsel, and those worries only doubled now that his family was involved in my many mistakes.


    ¡°Fine. Is he here?¡±


    ¡°No, Prince Thom said he had to study and that you could find him where he usually spent his time studying.¡±


    Good. At least I could try to look a little more human and less like a corpse before I talked to him for the first time in nearly a year. It didn¡¯t do any good wishing that my brother had not seen me like this already, but the second time had to be better.


    But was I in any state to go anywhere? By the Void, I could not shake my head without feeling like my insides wanted to be outside of me.


    ¡°Rest.¡±


    Avan gave a light shove to my shoulder, hand gripping there as he meant to propel me back and down onto the bed. It was only out of stubbornness that I gave a grunt of complaint. But I knew I was not going to make it off that bed, let alone out of the barn, not like this.


    My friend unfurled, going about replacing the slop bucket as had been his original intent upon entering the barn. I kept my mouth shut just watching him go about the gross labour. The smile and his wave goodbye were the last things I saw before I fell asleep.


    There is a reason why opium induced its users to have pipe dreams. It gave you a near-endless sense of optimism. For a time all problems were solvable, nothing was insurmountable. Opium did not need to give you hallucinations or dreamscapes when it made you think that you could do anything if only you willed it hard enough. But reality is a bitch.


    Groaning, I was finally up and out of bed, still stinking of everything putrid from days of my body expelling the poison in the only ways that it could. I had been informed that Mistress Suinia was outside and meant to speak with me. The Vesiput code demanded that you did not leave a Necromancer waiting for you, it was disrespectful and a sign of having very little honour. I may have been an addict but I still tried to follow the code Royalians lived by, even as I broke it.


    I finished scrubbing every inch of my skin with the sponge and lukewarm water that had been left for me. I  was having trouble with the ties on the shirt when the chain on the door was pulled and the door dragged against the floor, opening. My shoulders hunched, my hands clenching fists before me. Over-reaction I realized as Avan stepped into the quiet barn.


    The change had been gradual but deliberate, a strange skittishness I tried to control. An increased unease for loud noises, brought on by my past, and an increasing need to sink into opium in dark quiet rooms where I could believe myself alone. I had become too accustomed to silence or just the coughs of fellow opium users. Here I was jumping at the slightest noises. I could not remain calm and collected even when I knew the noise was coming. Going back to life as it had been before this, was going to be hell. He was going to use this against me.


    I jerked backward when fingers took up the ties of my shirt, arms coming up to shield me from a preconceived assault. Avan waited me out, hands retracting with an uneasy smile, followed by mouthed apologies. Slowly I came down, watching nervously as he took up the ties once again and created a loose bow.


    ¡°You are worse now.¡±


    Returning that uneasy smile I shrug, playing off Avan¡¯s concern. What else was I to do? Avan stated facts that I could do very little about. I had always been uneasy about touch and proximity, but now, I was that much worse.


    Dressed, I finger-combed the shoulder-length, dirty blonde hair that I had tried to wash and stepped past Avan, toward the barn door. The aching pains in my extremities came back now as I pushed a fist into my gut, reacting to the returned ache there too. Why was pain that much more acute now that I could no longer run from it? It only made me miss opium more.


    With a grunt, I made my way out of the barn, shielding eyes unaccustomed to daylight.


    -


    She was sitting under a tree; Mistress Suinia looked out of place, pale against the tree bark, black hair cut jagged and veiled by dark lace. The black dress she wore had no ornamentation beneath the cloak of the same color etched with the silver runes of her people, the Haruzan. The cloak was closed at the throat with an emerald broach and her fingers were encased in gold metallic fighting claws. They clinked together as she looked at me. I could not imagine what she was thinking; dark-stained lips pursed and shadowed eyes racking me over.


    ¡°We have work to do if you are going to step back into life as if nothing has happened while you were absent.¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡± Work? I looked half dead of course, but I could not make that go away in some instant of magic arts. Illusions were useless against the Royalian Devotion, a pledge to Lord Nanqa created, especially for that purpose. It was a mental connection between the Royalian people and their Emperor that kept the people safe from the magic of the northern Camarians. Magic that had the potential to brainwash our people against our customs and our God.


    In that vein, it helped us see through illusions, charms, and other physical and mental trickery. The Devotion only worked so long as the commoner had the Cassiterite obelisk grafted to the bone of the lower arm and the Emperor alongside his heir, both had the crystal inserted into their skull, usually behind the ear.


    Mistress Suinia remained cryptic, ¡°There is one option we have, but it¡¯s up to you if you will use it.¡±


    She opened up the tin she picked up from the grass beside her, filled with some sort of clay or cream.


    ¡°Skin cream has clay and oils in it that will conceal the shadows beneath your eyes and give you back some of your natural coloring. Being inside for so long has made you look that much more like death. This way you can play off your symptoms as the after-effects of the flu.¡±


    I grimaced as I knelt before her, the movement still causing shoots of pain through my limbs and rolling nausea.


    Mistress Suinia goes about removing her metal fighting claws. She then covers her fingertips in the makeup, ¡°Hold still.¡±


    I closed my eyes, holding perfectly still for her as she rubbed the cream into my cheeks, and under my eyes.


    ¡°You will need to use it on all the skin others will see.¡±


    ¡°My hands too?¡±


    ¡°Not a bad idea,¡± she takes my hands and I can feel the clammy substance spread over the backs of my hands as I blink before opening my eyes fully again.


    This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.


    Sitting back Mistress Suinia closes the tin and hands it to me.


    ¡°When you left for the north, you became a rogue necromancer, your highness. Quitting your training and having no Master or Mistress to oversee you is illegal and dangerous.¡±


    Settling so that I was kneeling comfortably in the grass I kept my mouth shut and listened, ready for any and all reprimands for my behavior. I may not have liked it, but she outranked me regardless of my status as a Prince.


    ¡°Yeshe gave up his position as a Black Guard, and his ability to live in the Empire by agreeing to go north to bring you back here.¡±


    I did not ask anyone to sacrifice anything for me! Neither had I asked to be brought back. But I was being petty in my resentment. I owed a debt and the Vesiput code was clear on the fact that you repaid your debts no matter what.


    ¡°Here,¡± the Necromancer passes me two envelopes, one already opened; the other still sealed shut.


    ¡°You will accompany Yeshe to Kuro Juhtumid where he will be able to live out the rest of his days. Whereas you will go there for necrotic studies as I have guaranteed that you will have a Master there that will teach you. The first letter is your acceptance to study in Kuro Juhtumid. The second letter is to His Majesty from Lord Daugovantril explaining that you have been given the honor to study in the Necromantic Bastion.¡±


    Wait. ¡°Lord Daugovantril?¡± I pulled the letter from the open envelope and scanned the elegant handwriting. ¡°Under the Lord Daugovantril? I am to study under the Ascended?¡±


    Lord Daugovantril was one of the few Ascended on the entire continent. Ascended were powerful necromancers who survived the ritual of ripping out their soul and binding it to an inanimate object known as a phylactery. That act gave them resurrective-immortality, allowing them to reform from their phylactery unless it had been destroyed before they could do so.


    ¡°As you are of Lord Nanqa¡¯s bloodline, his lordship is intrigued and wishes to see your abilities. Do not squander this opportunity, your Highness.¡±


    ¡°I¡­of course. Thank you, Mistress.¡±


    ¡°Do not only thank me. Your brother had the largest hand to play in all of this. The plans to bring you home were made primarily by him with input from me and Yeshe. I would say you owe your life to Prince Thom.¡±


    ¡°I will thank him when I go to see him after I speak with my parents.¡±


    ¡°Good. Let me know when you will first make the trip to Kuojahtumid. Yeshe will begin to decompose as soon as he leaves my side and the longer he is by my side, the greater the likelihood someone will find out he still exists on this plane.¡±


    ¡°His obelisk was removed to keep your movements from my father?¡±


    ¡°Yes. Prince Thom did not wish His Majesty to know what had happened to you up north. Now you will repay the debt to Yeshe.¡±


    Yeshe, who had once been a Black Guard, the highest military order in Royale, stepped out of the farmstead, stooping to exit without hitting his head. He wore the undershirt and breeches of black that marked him as military but did not wear a black officer¡¯s coat with golden buttons that declared that he was part of the Black Guard.


    He had served for years and now he could no longer, due to my brother asking him to leave our homeland and venture north to find me. It was not so strange for Necromancers to travel abroad, but Black Guards had no reason to leave the empire, and to do so was suspicious. With the devotion removed, his movements outside of Royale could not be monitored by the Emperor.


    Stopping close to us both, he gestures back at the farmstead, ¡°I do not want us to outstay our welcome. They have been good to us, Mistress Suinia. We owe them, something.¡±


    ¡°We do. I will send them goats from my family¡¯s herd. I know they will not accept coin, but it¡¯s more likely they will accept a gift of livestock.¡±


    Mistress Suinia turns back to me, ¡°You should get to the Capitol, your Highness. The sooner the better,¡± she motions to Yeshe with her dark brown eyes.


    Yes, my duty to Yeshe was going to be on my mind the entire time I was with my family. However, the acceptance to train in Kuojahtumid would make it easier for me to leave sooner rather than later from the Capitol. The less time I had to spend by Robert¡¯s side, all the better. I was old enough not to be stuck by my father¡¯s side for long periods, thank goodness. But there was also my mother, and in that, I felt the shame of what I had done, all over again. I was not looking forward to seeing my mother but that was for an entirely different reason.


    The upcoming weeks, we''re going to be busy ones. Once again my life was not my own to live. Reasons for my departure and my dependence on opium were only beginning to come back to me, but I knew the more time I spent at ¡®home¡¯ the more those reasons would become clearer.


    It was time to prepare myself for the trip to the Capitol.


    -


    There was something wrong with my father. Something I am afraid that I have inherited. Anger born out of life¡¯s abuses and offenses, born from what had been taken from us both with no sense of fairness. Both of my parents are obsessed with the dead. They spend more time appeasing the past than taking care of the present or creating a future for my brother or I.


    But that was the beauty of the Devotion, the connection that the obelisk created between the Emperor and his people that not only shielded them from outside trickery but also allowed those Emperors with a less than noble intention, into their minds. It could fix the memories of loyal subjects, erasing all transgressions. The only reason I knew of my father¡¯s misdeeds was because of the permanent markings made on me. The rope burns around my wrists and the bruises left behind. Scars could not be forgotten. That was what my mother whispered to my then-young ears. Because she could not be made to forget, telling me the truth of my father¡¯s deeds, one of the only times I remember a vibrancy in her eyes.


    ¡°Never forget.¡±


    She couldn¡¯t.


    Aidna was of the Ylivieska, a tribe from outside of the Royalian Empire, and had never taken the Devotion, so she had no obelisk to affect her memory. She refused to let me forget either so that even when every servant and palace guard would not remember the yelling and the malevolence, we would not be ignorant of the man that Robert truly was.


    Being in the man¡¯s presence was to stand by the sea before a storm. The scent of the rain on the air and the breeze picking up but never knowing when exactly the gale will hit the shore. It was that uncertainty that left you with your hackles raised and a biting edge to your tongue even when you knew you would pay for every word you said. Is that what was wrong with me?


    I knew that fighting with him was useless and would end only with more pain and bloodshed but I relished it nonetheless. I wanted to be the one with the first and last word just so that in those insignificant moments I could have control. Over my fate, and over when the fighting would break out. Let the punishment be for something real, something I could make out instead of for infractions that as a child I could not see. Did my poking of the bull mean I deserved what he did to me? I don¡¯t know but I hated him anyway.


    Once I was at the palace, I couldn¡¯t ignore the guards and the servants who acknowledged my presence. Returning the Royalian bow to each and every one. Faking a smile, I would move through the halls. It was unlikely this late in the afternoon that Robert was in the throne room, so I had to search for him instead.


    ¡°His Majesty is at the training grounds, outside,¡± a voice from behind me. A voice that I remembered and one I did not feel immediate animosity toward.


    ¡°Lady Rabendoe,¡± I turned to the half-demon woman, my smile far less an act when speaking with her.


    Her orange eyes looked about the hallway and she leaned toward me, speaking softer, quieter, ¡°You look like you have seen hell.¡±


    ¡°Mmm, maybe I have,¡± shrugging. I ran my fingers through my shaggy blonde hair.


    ¡°Be careful what you say, your highness. I do not think you want others questioning you as to why you look the way you do.¡±


    ¡°I will keep your advice in mind, Lady Rabendoe,¡± I bowed with my arms crossed before my chest, as was protocol. I stepped back and away to disengage from the conversation politely.


    The Imperial Secretary was someone I respected as much as I could respect anyone who worked with my father. She was known for her kind heart and was the reason that compassion was shown by the Emperor and court, when it was shown, at all.


    Turning away from Lady Rabenhoe I continued down the hall toward the doors that would bring me outside.


    Returning home meant speaking to him. About her. About how much I had hurt my mother with my sudden disappearance. As if Robert cared. But Father would act the part, patronizing and surly. It was best to get this returning conference over with.


    My hands clutched behind my back. I approached the outdoor training ring. Saimaa, another of my father¡¯s concubines, was sparring with a guard, wood staffs flowing, hitting, and retreating. The Emperor¡¯s confidant, Saimaa was adept with staff and a pole-ax. Darker brown and bald-headed, with eyes of black, she was the opposite of my mother who was pale as the snowy land she hailed from. I often wondered if Robert treated Saimaa as badly as he did my mother, but had concluded that there was no way that was possible. Not when Saimaa was so capable and able-bodied. That only embittered me more.


    There he was, Robert, standing outside of the fenced yard, watching the sparring match. It was as if the Emperor could sense my presence as I came outdoors, as he looked to the left, straight at me. Yet my father kept his silence until I was beside him, the noise of the training yard forgotten as he studied me. What did he see?


    ¡°You worried her.¡±


    I thickly swallowed the lump in my throat, leaning forward against the fencing in front of us both. My hands curled around the wood¡¯s edge, the slivers digging into my hands a balm to my rage. I kept my silence, trained by violence and honor.


    Robert continued, ¡°Aidna thought you were dead for over a year. She would ask me continually if you were still alive. ¡®Tell me you can still feel his life force through the obelisk.¡¯ Your mother prayed for you faithfully.¡±


    Lips formed the word before I could help myself, ¡°So?¡±


    Gritting my teeth, I continued, ¡°Did you strike her to make her stop asking about me?¡±


    Out here, in the public eye and with enough noise that my words only carried to his ear, I could get away with talking back.


    Robert turned fully from the sparring match, his interest waning, and his entire attention now on me. His arms crossed before his chest in a relaxed pose.


    ¡°It would not have stopped her, you and I both know that,¡± the Royalian Emperor took a deep breath and gestured off toward the gardens, ¡°She¡¯s in the grove, as she always is.¡±


    I pushed away from the fence, not sparing my father a glance, done with this conversation. Due to this, I did not notice Robert reaching out and did not see the hand that flashed toward me. The meaty digits grabbed me by the back of my neck and I went stiff in his hold.


    A calculated squeeze to my throat.


    ¡°You were gone for nearly a year. Did you let that stolen time shorten your memory? I am still your Emperor. You will speak to me as my station demands and you will show me the respect due to me as your elder. Do you understand?¡±


    A discordant breath escaped me, my eyes wide and staring ahead at rose hedges that squared off the gardens from the training yard. Fists shook at my sides, and I gathered as much of my dignity as I could muster in an effort to hide reborn terror, ¡°Yes. I remember.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡±


    Letting go, Robert pivots on the spot, turning to watch Saimaa, who has the guard on his back, her staff pointed at his face. I had been dismissed even as he applauded her win. Clutching my hands tightly behind my back again I hunch my shoulders as I take off for the entrance to the gardens.


    The Bastard.


    But this next conversation was not going to be any easier. Less terror-inducing, but more painful. I was sure that my mother wanted to know why I had disappeared for so long and I could not bring myself to tell her it was because her son was an addict. The shame and dishonor in it were stifling. Even the thought of telling anyone outside of the few who had helped bring me back to Royale brought a shivering cold like a bucket of ice water had been thrown over me. It clenched my lungs tight and left me trying to draw air. Yet it was likely she would know something was wrong, it was a mother¡¯s intuition.


    Trailing over the rose hedges with my fingers, I walked through the private portion of the gardens, further in, toward the grove where I knew she would be. Deep, in a corner, there she was, dressed in royal black, the shawl fringed with gold embellishments, covering her head and shoulders.


    ¡°Mother?¡±


    The difficulty at which I held control of my voice¡­


    She turned from her constant vigil at the statue of Marthei, The Watcher. The statue¡¯s dark-painted skin was in contrast to the white of her dress and the blanket that was wrapped around the infant in Marthei¡¯s embrace. The fallen Archangel held the baby close to her chest, her eyes closed and black curls wild about her face. My mother¡¯s movements are frantic, hands seizing my linen shirt by the excess of the fabric.


    Tiny fists clenched and her shaking perpetuates through me.


    Father had assured her I was not dead over the last seven months so why was she like this?


    ¡°You were gone so far, for so long, where were you?¡±


    ¡°I tried to find a way out, but all I did was fail. I only found more of my weaknesses.¡±


    My absence had harmed my mother, more than I had thought when I had followed the possibility of our freedom north into the deserts. She continued to shake and I covered those small and thin hands with my own so I could pull away from her distraught hold.


    Aidna let go of my garments but I did not let go of her hands as I bowed to her deeply.


    In bowing I abased myself, eyes closing, chewing upon my bitterness. Did I have any more face to lose? Was I deserving of that dignity before the woman who had brought me into this world? No. This was my Mother, not Robert. Before her, I had no pride, if the opium had allowed me to keep any at all. I had to apologize to her for the constant worry that she had the whole time I was gone.


    Yet even before I had finished the wordless apology she would move to pull me upright, those trembling digits lying on my hollow cheeks. I knew that once she pulled her hands away they would be caked in the makeup Lady Suinia had put on my face to hide the opium¡¯s damage there. She would know. But would she say anything?


    She beseeches, ¡°Please, by Marthei, allow me to know where you are if you go away again. Let me know if you are alive. Where you end up. I do not care how far away, or how long you are gone, just allow me a message or word from you. Just that. Please.¡±


    By the Divines, she should not feel the need to beg like that. Not to her son. What had I done? There were fundamentals meant to guide us, the Vesiput code of honor, not lightly broken. Honoring one¡¯s mother was one of those edicts. I had little honor, of this I knew with surety. Between the alcohol and the opium¡­ What honorable man would allow them-self to fall to such excess of either? Not a Royalian. Anything in such gluttony was by the living code dishonorable. Just like my pride, I had left my honor on the Opium mat. What could I possibly offer in recompense to her for the fear I had left with her?


    Truly I had only one thing left, even if I valued it so little.


    I undid the buckle holding my Vogdashnen, the ritual dagger that every Royalian man and woman wore in order to serve their Emperor in undeath. It was meant to fulfill our duty to the Empire through our death.


    I presented the dagger to my mother, head hanging, not daring to look at her face as I offered her the very thing I never wished to offer my father but by Imperial command, someday must. My life. The blade was pulled from the sheath and I tensed, not sure what to be ready for. But just as quick as my mother pulled the blade, she sheathed it.


    Fingers caressed my skull, finding skin beneath the shaggy unkempt hair. She sings, her voice unable to rise above the whispering tones that she spoke in, ¡°In this snowy night, the stars shine bright, and we beg for the dark-one who gave, to end our woe by taking what clings to us so¡­¡±


    Aidna retreats from me, quickly turning her back, she re-engages with the statue. Reingages with the past.


    She says, ¡°I know what you are trying to say, but I cannot accept it.¡±


    My control over my throat is lost and the next words come out pained, ¡°Then what else can I give?¡±


    ¡°A promise.¡±


    Conditioned by pain and anguish I grunt, grabbing what remained of my prior control as I buckle my belt with the dagger once again.


    ¡°A promise of what?¡±


    Promises could be poisonous. It appeared that even in this atonement I had done wrong.


    ¡°That you won¡¯t leave Thom again or have you forgotten what I have fought for all these years?¡±


    ¡°Never.¡±


    ¡°Then I accept your apology so long as you will never leave Thom like that again.¡±


    Her pale arms rose toward the sun, and the loose, black fabric fell to show the bruises beneath and I know I have lost her, back to the Lullaby. ¡°Slumber now, and slumber deep. In endless sleep, in endless sleep¡­¡±


    I turned from her, unable to watch her, fleeing from her faster than I had Father¡¯s side, making sure that I avoided the training grounds where he still stood. I headed my way back to the palace. My heart was twisting itself in knots, and I felt my breath quicken, rasping, and uneven. Every encounter with my Mother left me both exhausted and distressed but in an entirely different manner than the encounters with my Father. Sadness leaked from her and I wore it every time I pressed. Was it any wonder at all that I had left?


    I had the frame of mind to retreat to my room to gather my wits. I still had Thom to visit. But not right then, what I wanted most was to sleep. A way to stop the aches and pains, and the distress inside my brain.

 Chapter 2

    Nathanael


    I was nine years old. When I was told I would die. Sheltered from society, I did not understand what it meant. Although I knew I was ill, I had not been told previously that I was dying. All I knew at that moment was that the room was too hot because there were so many people in it. Restless I moved in the arms of Sir Atrious while the adults talked like I was not even there.


    "Without repairing his failing organs there is nothing further that can be done."


    The words were whispered by the only woman in the silent room. She held her black shawl closed with one hand and watched each man equally with emotionless teal eyes.


    "You realize their Majesties will never stoop to the profane practices of opening the body with shadow?" The High Caster kept his eyes on the far wall not even looking at the Myrael as he demeaned not only Milistree but her people and their practices.


    He continues speaking, "The Prince is more man than Ellearn. He is Reinn Anon''s child and they will not be cut open, like animals to the slaughter. What then is to separate us from those of the darkness that sacrifice their weakest and youngest to the knife?"


    No. This was not a choice my parents would make. I knew the ways of Reinn Anon, Lord of Holy Light and Storms. Our God had given us his spirit, the sacred breath to bring us to life. To lose that would be a terrible thing.


    An ear that far more resembled a crumpled autumn leaf flicked as the Ellearn woman looked to the HighCaster. She was silent for a moment with only the heat of the Myrael Diplomat''s eyes showing her resentment.


    Finally, she spoke again. "Then there is nothing more that can be done," Lady Milistree repeated.


    Sir Atrious''s gravelly voice held disbelief, "Nothing?" He would grasp me harder to his chest.


    Milistree¡¯s dark auburn curls shook as she fidgeted with the material of her crushed velvet black gown. "He has only been weakened Sir Atrious, the magics have done nothing, his lungs fail and it shall not be long before they fill with fluids. Touching his skin pushes blood to the surface in bruising, and fatigue leads to fevers and chills. I have not seen these symptoms myself but I trust the records given by their Majesties, you and High Castor Gwynafor."


    The Shadow Ellearn sighed as her fingers curled against her side into a fist.


    "There will be no miracle cure, no spell that could save him now. If surgery is not an option then all that can be done is give him the rest his body aches for and make him comfortable in the days to come."


    I peered up at Sir Atrious with confusion-filled eyes, and the brunette knight nodded gravely at the news. I wanted to understand what was upsetting him- this man that was as close to me as my parents and had always been part of my life for as long as I could remember. Sir Atrious''s sword-roughened fingers stroked my bald head, thumb lightly caressing the bare skin, and, much like a cat, I leaned into the touch seeking comfort.


    I was having difficulty breathing, and the sadness in the room was heavy on me. The sadness rolled off the clerics who were wringing their hands, and the HighCaster with his tensely furrowed brow. Then there was Milistree in her frustration and of course Sir Atrious. Everyone in the room except Milistree and uncle Gwynfor were human; they did not know that their feelings could be sensed by me. Tears were springing to my eyes as I still did not understand what was happening! Why was everyone so sad? My sniffles triggered a change in the room, and the other''s emotions were cut off from me. Sir Atrious clutched me tighter and I uttered a soft squeak as the air was forced out of my lungs, painfully.


    "Their Majesties are in a meeting," my uncle, the HighCaster, spoke off-hand, arms crossed before his dark blue robes.


    "They will have to be told," one of the clerics looked between Sir Atrious and Gwynfor as I took in a few faltering breaths.


    A cleric''s hand lay against my back and the white magic pooled on my skin, sliding down under my clothes. The weight lifted. I took in a few gulping breaths of air, though I knew it wouldn''t last. The magic only made the pain go away for a few minutes, so I would be able to breathe deeply and fully for that short time.


    "I will express sympathies to their Majesties," the older cleric stepped forward but Sir Atrious''s arm moved from around my waist, halting him.


    "Nay, I will tell them. As a Commandant of the Sovereign Guard, it is my place to inform them of this. I will take Prince Nathanael and await them outside of the council room."


    "Are you certain you wish to do this alone?" Gwynfor pushed his sleeves up his arms to stay out of the way but did not attempt to move.


    Milistree shook her head, "The King and Queen cannot keep the illness secret much longer. With the fevers six years ago and hiding the prince away for so long, the people already suspect something. Rumors have spread and the people are beginning to fully realize that the Camarian Empire will have no heir."


    "Yes, I will tell them myself," Sir Atrious looked from Gwynfor to Milistree, "I do not wish this news to spread quicker than my liege wills it. It is their choice how quickly or slowly the court will know of these matters. Having the HighCaster; the Royalian diplomat, a Commandant of the Sovereign Guard, the King, Queen, and Prince all present would create even more talk. Go back to your duties, and do not let this distract you from your purposes," Atrious inclined his head in respect to those present as he passed his orders on.


    Each bowed in response to Atrious'' words and began to file out. I blinked at them and then back to the Knight who held me, the smile on roughened features sad. My confusion remained and I wished someone would explain to me what was wrong! But I knew this was not the time to ask, not yet, that maybe my parents could tell me and my fingers clutched at Sir Atrious''s uniform. Picked up in strong arms I clung to him. Although I was nine, I would later learn I was very small for my age. The illness and the cabin had slowed my growth as I saw very little of the sun. I had become afraid of the sky.


    One of the clerics opened the door allowing Atrious to walk into the hallway. I looked from Atrious to Gwynfor my eyes wide and confused, unknowing and afraid. Gwynfor stroked my cheek with his thumb in a quick move of comfort before he moved down the opposite hall. Next, there was Milistree who I had never met before today. Her teal eyes were filled with sorrow and another emotion I did not understand. She shook her head and would leave us both in the hallway.


    "Lord Riq''ua," Sir Atrious gave a half resembled bow, unable to bow fully with me in his arms as I clutched him tighter.


    "Sir Atrious, what of the boy?"


    Lord Riq''ua''s arms were crossed over his light grey-robed chest, his silver hair a curtain down his back, aqua eyes firm and fathomless. I did not know who he was then as I hardly came to the capital. There were too many people about, I could get lost. I could get hurt or worse I could become sicker...So many reasons, so many excuses for my growing up nearly alone. On my fingers, I could count the number of times I had seen the royal castle, and when I had, I had not met many people.


    "I must explain to his parents Milord, they have to know the grave news," once more I squeaked as I was clutched all the closer at the words, still not understanding and still distressed.


    "Atrious?" I spoke aloud at last; the word slightly muffled by the cloth mask that I wore. I was teary-eyed and with hands grasping at his uniform. I had no idea what they were talking about. All I wanted was answers!


    Brown eyes looked down at me and Atrious kissed my forehead.


    "I will explain soon," he answered me and my eyes dropped, curling against his chest again. Riq''ua pushed away from the wall to lead the way down the hallway. Feeling chastised I remained quiet and watched nobles pass us in their vibrant dresses and doublets as we walked down the hall to the main stairway.


    I watched the people who climbed down the grand staircase with us, servant, knight, and noble with no knowledge of who they were. Which of them were close to my parents and did any of them know who I was? Few inclined their heads to us; with many more moving on without a thought to us. Sir Atrious at the bottom of the stairs steered right, coming to a stop before the guarded double wooden doors.


    "Sir Atrious, their Majesties are in a diplomatic meeting with merchants from Rimedur," warned the guard, a deep frustrated sigh left Atrious but he nodded in understanding


    "Pass the word that there are grave tidings from the clerics, but do so discreetly," he drew away to settle himself into a chair against the rear wall. Hands-on my waist he settled me onto his lap and I cocked my head at him, "Atrious, what is wrong? Please tell me!"


    Now I began to worry more; Sir Atrious wouldn''t try to call my parents out of a meeting if something wasn''t very wrong.


    "Your Highness..." The deep voice trailed off and my hands touched stubble-covered cheeks as his brown eyes looked to the double doors, waiting for my parents to come out.


    Again! Again I felt that stab of pain; I could feel the sadness leak off the Knight who held me.


    "What''s wrong? Why is everyone so sad?" my voice was higher, hands growing sweaty against his cheeks. Shifting on his lap I was unable to get comfortable.


    Arms pulled me to his chest and with my cheek against his beating heart I still could not make sense of what was going on, but I could feel my fear rising. Strangers were all around me, people were sad, my parents weren''t there to comfort me and Sir Atrious would not tell me anything! A hiccup escaped as tears welled up, sniffles shortly followed, and hands rubbed my back.


    "Shh...Everything will be explained soon, your highness."


    Tears escaped and my fists held onto the Knight''s uniform as he tried to calm me, but I was far too scared now and could not be calmed so easily. Sniffling and trembling against him, Sir Atrious began to lightly bump me on his knee. I squeaked at first and then I laughed through the cloth mask and against his chest, clinging to him. My breathing was going to make me cough soon because of the laughter, that was always what happened, but I just let myself laugh anyway. The tears still fell but now it was from a mixture of laughter and pain, the giggling causing my lungs to work harder, and I could feel my breaths grow short. This man who my parents loved continued to bounce me gently on his knee. Perhaps I was too old for such simple things but it made me laugh. I was distracted from my worries and cares, and so was Sir Atrious for the moment.


    If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.


    "Tell me about life at the cabin my Prince?" and the bouncing slowed so I could regain my breath to speak.


    I thought of what to say, taking the time to allow my lungs to fill again, "Lots of painting. Papa helped me finish painting my room! I would like you to see it Sir Atrious, the walls are cloudy skies and trees, and the ceiling is the stars with the Sun and the Moon."


    As the courtiers who passed by us had no reason to feel sad I was beginning to calm and I smiled at the Knight, my palms against his chest.


    "Will you come to see it?"


    "I would love to see what you have painted, my Prince," Sir Atrious smiled at me and hugged me gently, close to his chest. "A ceiling of stars? And the walls are trees and the sky? That sounds wonderful and painted by you and your Father, it must be beautiful to behold."


    I clutched at the Knight''s back with my small fingers, "Green hills, and big pine trees and fluffy clouds!"


    I coughed as I laughed. Sir Atrious gently pat my back as I coughed and the feeling of earlier sadness came back into Atrious''s eyes.


    I was about to ask again what was wrong, to try to push Sir Atrious to explain to me when the double doors opened and my parents stepped out looking for us. When Elaina saw me in Atrious''s arms with teary eyes she immediately came over and gathered me into her embrace. With all the layers and materials her dress was made from it was not very comfortable but I didn''t care, my mother and father were here and they would surely answer me!


    "Mama," I spoke up, hands fisting her blonde hair sniffling against the lace of her courtly attire. She nosed my cheek and I giggled softly as she pressed a kiss there too before settling me back onto Sir Atrious''s lap. I looked up to her and put my arms out like I had when I was younger, all I wanted right then was her embrace. If they would not answer me at least give me the comfort of being held!


    Denied this I curled into myself on Sir Atrious¡¯s lap as he explained what had been said at the earlier meeting. If not for my mother looking at me from the corner of her eye and gently caressing the contours of my face with her fingertips I would have thought that my presence was completely forgotten.


    Peter was beginning to panic, which was only making me more nervous. He spoke of their needing another heir, and the land not having a King. Elaina was silent as she listened but she kept looking at me, catching my attention and giving me small smiles. Even with her silent reassurances, I was tired of not knowing what was going on! I fidgeted on Sir Atrious''s lap and just as I opened my lips to ask for an explanation, Sir Atrious squeezed my sides before I could get the words out!


    My mother would put up her hand to halt my father so she could speak her piece, "It took me four years to conceive Nathanael, Peter. How many times have we tried since then?" There was exhaustion in my mother''s words that I did not understand, and her normally bright, blue eyes were dull.


    "Elaina, not this again," Peter shook his head, arms crossed before his chest.


    "Peter! You must have a new wife; I am either now infertile or nearly so. Divorce me Peter Quele, and take a new wife. You know the council and His Eminence are only going to stay quiet upon this for so long. For the stability of the Empire, you have to do this. "


    Peter looked like he had been physically hit by my Mother''s words, posture crumbling, his eyes at once much younger than his twenty-eight years, fearful and frantic, "Elaina..."


    "Mother?" I tried to wiggle my way out of Sir Atrious''s hold. Why were they talking about leaving each other? Did they not love each other any longer? The sadness had been about me, right? Was this my fault?


    "Papa?" I was panicking, and once I had struggled out of Sir Atrious''s arms and made it to the floor I grabbed onto my father around the waist burying my tear-stricken face into his doublet. My chest was heaving, my vision was dimming, and my form was trembling as my father gently pushed me back so he could crouch at my level.


    "Nathanael-," my father looked at my red face, then to my mother behind me. He was clueless as to what to say and my mother massaged my shoulders from behind, leaning down to blow soft air against my ear. "Shhh, you''re only making it harder for you to breathe, Little-Blessing."


    I tried to calm down. I began to count my breaths, one large breath in; three little breaths out like mother had taught me. Peter kissed my brow and unfurled to his feet, "I told you, Elaina, you are my wife. I will not leave you."


    Sir Atrious stepped closer to the three of us after standing, looking about the grand hall where we all stood. He spoke up in a calm but formal tone before my mother could speak again, "Your Majesties, should this conversation be had in such a public place?"


    An uncomfortable silence filled the air alongside my difficult breathing and the sound of distant conversations. Peter pat my back to help me breathe and one of the two wooden doors behind us opened.


    "Your Majesties?" A Scribe looked at my parents from the half-open door. "Your presence is required in the trade negotiations. The proceedings will have to be halted otherwise."


    Peter made a frustrated sound deep in his throat, "Yes, yes. Give us another moment if you would," waving the Scribe off.


    The Scribe nodded and darted back inside, the large wooden door closing loudly behind him. Elaina sighed leaning down to kiss my bald head. "There is nothing we can do for it, bring him back to the cabin Sir Atrious. Explain to Thom what you heard in the meeting; make certain he can keep his own emotions in check before he explains to Nathanael."


    My mother gently turned me and cupped my chin in her hand, "We will be home this evening, my Little Blessing. Until then be good for Thom, please Nathanael?"


    I nodded, wishing to please her but I still did not know what was going on at all. Oh, I was becoming frustrated with myself for not speaking up more and with my parents for not explaining anything! It seemed that no one wished to tell me and they were just shifting who was going to do it, from Sir Atrious to my parents and at last to Thom. Sir Atrious scooped me up and I started to cry again, heavier this time, putting out my arms for my mother who looked herself heartbroken and torn between the meeting and being with me. Peter grasped my mother''s hand, murmuring to her words that seemed to only make it harder for her to swallow back her emotions.


    My Mother''s strong voice quivered before a Guard opened the Council Room doors, "Thom will explain everything to you, Nathanael...and we will come to the cabin this evening, I promise. Please rest; you''re pushing yourself too hard."


    I gripped Sir Atrious''s Sovereign Guard uniform, giving my mother a faint nod before hiding my face in the clothed shoulder of the man that held me. Father told me I was getting too old to break down like this and I was trying. But I was still so confused, afraid of everything that they had not explained to me.


    Holding the wooden door open with one hand, my father instructs Sir Atrious from behind us, "Once you bring him to the cabin Sir Atrious, I will require your presence at the trade meeting."


    Sir Atrious turned toward my Father and he inclined his head, no emotion showing on his face, "Of course you''re Majesty."


    So I was taken to the cabin through the teleportation circles. It was decided when I was younger that in the Vaen Thyl, the Border Forest between Camar''a and Royale a cabin would be built. Almost impossible for others to find except through the teleportation circles built for the family to come and go from. It would be in that cabin that I would grow up, the risk too great for my health and my fragile mind to grow up in the castle.


    Mother was right; I was growing weary and I did not want to make my breathing any harder. I curled against the man who my parents loved, unable to do much besides that until Thom would explain everything to me.


    I was set down and then left in the sitting room of the cabin as Sir Atrious made his way down the steps to the basement level. Confused, I curled my arms about my legs, drawing my knees to my mask-covered face. Waiting and waiting, I rocked back and forth on the wood floor. What was more waiting? No one would tell me anything anyway.


    Two sets of boots on the stairs and I looked up, searching for the head of unruly red curls that I knew was Thom''s. Sir Atrious stepped aside; first off the steps, so I could see Thom. Thom¡¯s smile was much smaller than any I had seen him give me before. My brows furrowed and my best friend knelt by my side.


    "Nate," Thom rubbed my shoulders and I peered up at him.


    "Alright...umm-," his brows furrowed but he gave a nod and surged on, "I don''t know when, but because of the illness wearing you out, your body is going to stop working, you won''t be able to hear or see, or talk or..." Thom took a deep breath and swallowed hard before continuing to speak, in an attempt to keep control of his emotions.


    "You''re going to go for a very long sleep, a sleep you won''t wake up from. So you won''t get to come back. The ArchAngel Ashriel will come and pick you up and bring you to a place where your body will sleep for a long time. Where you won''t hurt anymore and you will have an easier time breathing."


    "Sleep?" I still did not understand and Thom nodded again, still rubbing my back.


    "But you see, when you go, Ashriel is going to come just for you. That''s the sad part, that''s why everyone has been so sad. Only you will get to go to this peaceful place where you can sleep, your parents can''t come with you yet and I just, I can''t."


    "Why? I want you to come with me!" Clutching his waist hard, I pleaded with eyes and words to my best friend, the boy I had been married to since birth.


    "I want to come with you but I can''t...I''m a child of Nanqa, we go to the River, where you will go to the Halls. But once you''re sleeping in this special sleep you won''t be alone. I know your ancestors will likely be with you, so you will have company."


    "I just-just won''t go to sleep! If I don''t sleep then I won''t be alone and the Angel cannot take me away."


    Thom grimaced uncertain what to say and I pulled away, starting to cry, shaking my head, "I don''t want to go Thom!"


    "I''m sorry Nate," Thom''s voice cracked with puberty and distress, "You''re going to have to sleep sooner or later but it''s not the same kind of... Oh Nanqa, I''m messing this up. I''m sorry. I don''t know how to do this; the afterlife is different for Royalians and Camarians. I want to come with you when you go, but I can''t, Reinn Anon would never allow it."


    My parents had left another child to attempt to explain to me what death was and how I would die from my illness some time soon. Thom had done the best that he knew how especially given that we were of two different and disagreeable Gods and once we died we would go on to different places. Yet I still did not understand, and that sadness and lack of understanding turned from a child''s desperation to rage. I had been handed from person to person with no one taking the time to give me clarity and they had left me with my husband, who was only fourteen, to finally explain.


    My heart began to race, and my breathing ragged on the cabin floor. Why had they waited? Everyone had left me ignorant as they put me through all of the experiments and magic that had been painful and only left my body weaker. My hair had begun to fall out years ago, leaving me bald and my body was given to curious shakes. I had always suspected there was something wrong with me but I had never really known what beyond the basic understanding of being weak and ill.


    I was so angry at my parents for keeping this from me and leaving Thom to explain. I was angry at my body for the illness that was going to make me go into this terrible sleep where I may never see Thom again. I did not want to go where I would be separated from Thom, Momma, and Papa!


    I was only nine years old and I quite simply did not want to die.


    Thom''s chest became a wall on which to beat with my fists. But my best friend only hugged me tighter to him as I sobbed and had a tantrum against the unfairness of the Gods taking me away from him and my family. There were good, rational reasons why I did not have outbursts of anger. It often left me bedridden due to my gasping for air and increased heart rate. But I didn''t care right then, no, I pummelled Thom''s chest, my blows only beginning to soften as darkness entered the corners of my vision. Blurred with tears and gulping hot air through my bloodied cloth mask against the wool of Thom''s sweater, my body shook with exhaustion.


    Thom had been singing while I raged, a song I had heard him sing to me before. Verses meant to comfort, and calm. Words that he always sang to me when we were alone, his voice barely above a whisper like a secret only we shared.


    "¡­Nothing shall disturb your slumber deep,


    as you are guided home in your sleep.


    I''ll protect you from harm,


    and you''ll wake in my arms."


    Afraid now to sleep, the lullaby had the opposite effect. The black spots in front of my eyes were growing larger as the darkness crept in. Panicking, my fingers clutched at Thom''s chest. Hands rubbed up and down my back. "Nate, you have to breathe, nice and slow."


    Defiant, my shaking my head was the last action I took as my gasping for air caused me to blackout, carried into darkness.

 Chapter 3

    Drefan


    I crumpled against the wall of the spiral staircase. Thank the Gods I was alone while I wheezed, a hand grasping at my tunic, right over my breast bone. The tightness in my chest was crippling as I sank onto the stone step. I couldn¡¯t even manage the stairs without my lungs giving out on me? Was this from the dredge? From the opium? I had been gone for a little over a year and my time on the mat was the majority of those hours. I hung my head between my knees, coughing. I just needed time...


    No one could see me like this. But if this was what would happen when I climbed a set of damned stairs¡­ This body was starting to fail me, wasn¡¯t it? But that was no one¡¯s fault but my own. I wasn¡¯t dying...was I? The door overhead opened and I surged to my feet. Hacking another cough I stuffed my hands back into my pockets. Taking on that uncaring demeanor that I was known for. No one was allowed to know how bad off I was. No one.


    I acknowledged the servant that passed by with a quick bow of my head, the respectful greeting that was given regardless of rank. This also afforded me the chance to keep my face concealed so any pain that was written on my features would not be seen. Coming to a stop at the higher exit to the stairs, I took in a deep whistling breath before stepping into another long hallway. Black Guards blended into the dark stone walls in measured intervals on both sides.


    Ignoring everything but why I was even in this hallway, I knocked on the door to my brother¡¯s bed-chamber. There was the scratch of a wooden chair on the floor before the door was opened and green eyes peered out at me. Seeing me for who I was, Thom fully opened the door with a smile and invited me in. But as soon as that door closed I was backed up against it and arms encircled my middle. I puffed out a startled breath, stiffening at first, not expecting Thom to immediately embrace me.


    ¡°Thom,¡± I managed before I was coughing again.


    ¡°You sound awful,¡± Thom began and his green eyes widened, ¡°Wait, you sound as bad as Nate sounds!¡±


    His hands pressed against my chest to hold me where I was and he leans his ear against me. There was no way to hide the wheezing and the tightness in my chest. Thom looked up at me with dawning horror in his eyes while his freckled cheeks lost their color.


    ¡°We have to talk to a healer!¡±


    ¡°No,¡± I grasped one of my brother¡¯s hands in mine, ¡°I don¡¯t need any of this to get back to Father. You know how much he hates weakness.¡±


    ¡°But-,¡± sorrow clouded those bright green eyes, ¡°What if you die?!¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not that bad,¡± I lied as I needed time to figure out what I could do if it truly was that bad.


    ¡°How can you be so sure? You were away for months, smoking that stuff for so long. Who knows what it did to you! Dref, you can¡¯t just brush me off like this. I saw you half-dead in the back of that cart. I won¡¯t ever forget seeing that.¡±


    I grabbed his other hand and held onto both of them. If I was going to say anything else it was not going to be so easily heard by the Black Guards in the hallway. Seeing that I was not going to reply so easily Thom released me. I made for the bed. Sweeping a look at my brother¡¯s room, it hardly looked lived in. The desk was the only spot that looked used, with stacked books on Royalian laws and discourse on top of various pieces of paper. So Thom was spending that much more time at the cabin, was he sleeping there too?


    I settled on the edge of the bed, waiting for my brother to sit beside me.


    ¡°Nath¡¯s gotten worse, hasn¡¯t he?¡± Pivoting myself, our knees just touched.


    Thom gave me a look at the change in conversation, but his shoulders let go and he crumbled beside me, ¡°Yes¡­¡±


    Shit.


    Thom shakes his head hard and he takes in a deep breath looking back at me, ¡°I¡¯m not stupid. I know you won''t tell me why you left and that¡¯s fine, but I am going to demand to know if you are so sick that it''s fatal!¡±


    I couldn¡¯t look him in the eyes, I never could. I had promised when I first saw him in that cradle that I would protect him from whatever Robert threw at the both of us. I saw the evidence of my victories in that Thom could still smile like nothing in the world was wrong and how his eyes still lit up like rays of sunshine. I could not have failed him that badly then or so I told myself.


    But I should never have gone into the deserts without him. I had promised to protect him and for the first time in my life, I had left him unprotected, for months. I had to hold myself back from asking if there was anything wrong with him. But Father would have made Thom forget any hurtful words or grasping hands. Thom was his heir. The only way to know if anything untoward had happened was to demand to see any marks or new scars on Thom and such an order would come across as insane and invasive. So I stewed and I concentrated on what had Thom worried about in this present moment. My health, and my well-being. Neither my Father nor I deserved him.


    ¡°I won¡¯t see anyone in the Capital city,¡± I gave in then, to see a healer of some sort as a way to calm his dread. He was already worrying about Nathanael, he did not need to worry about me too.


    Thom¡¯s brows furrow and he tilts his head as he thinks, as was a habit of his.


    ¡°Lady Milistree? Nothing she finds out would leave her room.¡±


    Not a bad suggestion.


    ¡°Alright. Tomorrow.¡±


    ¡°Together?¡±


    I shrugged and ruffled the mop of dark red hair that adorned my brother''s head, ¡°Yes, together. Now, how much of the exams have you memorized?¡±


    Thom groans at the reminder of his studying, ¡°Not nearly enough. I understand why it takes years before people are comfortable taking the Merit Exams.¡±


    The Merit Exams were a civil service examination system that selected individuals for the 6 Imperial Ministries. The exams served to ensure a common knowledge of writing, the laws, and the literary style among ministers. The ideal achievement by merit gave validity to the imperial system while the common culture helped to unify the empire. Although Thom was heir by birth, it was an expectation that he study for, and excel at the Merit Exams prior to his taking the throne. Robert had done the same before he became Emperor.


    ¡°Speaking of studying and education, I¡¯m going to be coming back and forth again like I did when I was studying at the Necromancer Academy. Lord Daugovantril has accepted me as a student of his, which means I will be studying under him in the Necromantic Bastion.¡±


    ¡°Lord Daugovantril wants you as his apprentice? That¡¯s terrific! You¡¯re going to have lots to talk about when you come home on study breaks.¡±


    This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.


    Thom¡¯s excitement was always contagious and it helped that I had already been thrilled at the prospect of studying under an Ascended.


    ¡°I will have plenty to share. But for now, tell me about this last year¡­¡±


    I settled in for Thom¡¯s stories, passing the time by his side that evening.


    -


    The next morning I held onto Thom¡¯s hand, keeping him close to me. Before leaving, Thom told me that Lady Milistree of the Shadow Ellearn was now the Royalian diplomat in the Camarian Empire. She was a good replacement for me, likely better at it than I had ever been. She was much older, doubtlessly more mature, and able to handle the disdain that Camarians felt for any that were not their own. The hatred of the Camarians was a subtle thing in the northern court. Not so among the common people who were likely to throw rotting vegetables at you while you watched for a knife in your gut. But in the castle, the courtiers had perfected silent disgust. They had pretty smiles behind fluttering fans, brittle things that didn¡¯t mean anything at all.


    The Camarian castle was overwhelmingly bright, with white stone walls, columns, and vaulted ceilings. At the far end was the main staircase to the second floor, and to the immediate left was the council room while to the immediate right was the ballroom. The nobles brought color into the entryway with their dresses and frock coats of various pastel colors.


    Both Thom and I played our parts as foreign princes, we bowed our heads to those that showed us that level of respect. We apologized to any who wished to converse with us and kept going through the main entrance of the castle. Thom¡¯s smiles were far more genuine than my own which were always tinged with a certain bitterness. We avoided the royal entourage, not there to speak to the King or Queen.


    Down a western hall, I had to stop to double-check where the healing wing was. The answer was a grunt from a guard who gestured down the hall we were in and to the left. He would not show that level of disrespect to a servant, but here he was, showing it to the two of us. My free hand curled into a fist, but Thom tugged on me and I allowed myself to be led. But my dark blues promised hell to the belligerent guard before I looked where we were headed.


    Did Thom just not notice? Or did he not care?


    I guess I¡¯d never know.


    Bright sunshine greeted us as we turned into the healing wing. The Camarian castle had large mage-glass windows that allowed in vast quantities of sunlight. Patients lay in simple beds, in two rows, while clerics bustled about, patient to patient.


    ¡°Lady Milistree?¡±


    ¡°Prince Thom? What are you doing up here?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve come with my brother, Milady,¡± Thom gestures to me.


    Lady Milistree stood straight from where she had been leaning down to examine a patient.


    ¡°Prince Drefan,¡± a dark auburn brow rises over a teal eye, ¡°You look ill.¡±


    Gesturing with black lace-covered fingertips, she leads the way through the healing wing. While the clerics of the royal castle wore white and beige robes, Lady Milistree wore her black lace and crushed velvet black gown. She opened a door at the end of the hall and ushered us both inside.


    She lights a candle and pulls the cover of the window up and out of the way so the sun can shine in. For that moment I could see the cadaver scar that is normally hidden by her black shawl before her arms lowered.


    ¡°Frankly your Highness, you look like death,¡± Lady Milistree lays her lace-gloved hands on my shoulders and would gently but with purpose, push me down to sit on a wooden table.


    Thom cannot stand still nearby and Lady Milistree looks from him to me.


    ¡°Tell me what happened.¡±


    ¡°I slid into opium addiction.¡±


    ¡°The whole time you were gone you were smoking it?¡±


    ¡°Yes, and before that, I was mixing it with alcohol.¡±


    A soft whistle and Lady Milistree would gesture that she was going to listen to my breathing. I pulled my tunic up and then I sat perfectly still, uncomfortable with her ear pressed to my chest.


    ¡°You have severely damaged your lungs, I can hear the wheezing each time you draw in a new breath.¡±


    Fingers touched the skin around my eyes and mouth, a disapproving look crossing Milistree¡¯s features.


    ¡°I wish to check your internal organs for damage. I will have to use the shadow to infiltrate your body and allow me to see within you.¡±


    I eyed her warily, ¡°How?¡±


    Lady Milistree stood back and she raised a hand, a black-grey substance rolled over her digits.


    ¡°I will have it go through your belly button.¡±


    Holding up my shirt again, Lady Milistree cupped her hand over my abdomen, and I could feel the shadow against my skin. It made me want to squirm but I forced myself to stay still, gritting my teeth as it found its way in. She would go on to ask me questions as I felt the shadow disperse inside me. I could see that her normally teal eyes were shadow-covered. Between the medical questions she asked and what she saw inside Lady Milistree came back to herself and crossed her arms over her chest.


    ¡°You have yellowing of your skin and eyes, your breath is sweet and with the shadow, I could make out many bulbous spots on your liver. You stated there was blood in your stool as well. It appears as though your liver is failing you Drefan. It is only a matter of time before it begins to affect your mental states, and between your liver and your lungs, you are going to begin suffering from disorientation, extreme fatigue¡­¡±


    There were black spots before my eyes, why were there black spots everywhere?


    ¡°Drefan!¡± Thom is standing before me now, hands on my shoulders, trying to catch my attention. But I¡¯m staring at the wall past his head. Where was that high-pitched wheezing coming from?


    Wait. By the Divines, it was coming from me, from the lungs that were failing me.


    This was what panic felt like.


    Lady Milistree sets a hand on my right arm, ¡°You cannot run from this, your highness. This is something that will follow you no matter where you go, now.¡±


    Damn it, she said it with such resignation.


    ¡°I am going to die, aren¡¯t I?¡±


    That shortness of breath tightened my chest as coughs wracked my frame.


    Lady Milistree nods, ¡°I would give an educated guess of a few months to a year from now.¡±


    Damn it, my life had always held such little value to me, and Robert. But if I wasn¡¯t here for Thom who would take the blows for him and those licentious hands? What would that do to him? Leave him as just another bitter prince who wished he was dead? I could not leave him again, I would not leave him again. I pushed myself through the coughs, shakily grabbing onto Thom¡¯s wrists. I could see the tear stains on his cheeks.


    ¡°I¡¯m not done yet.¡±


    ¡°Then what will you do? How can you fight this?¡± my brother asks.


    ¡°Lord Daugovantril is willing to teach me, make me his apprentice. I will learn the ritual for separating a soul from its body.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ll become an Ascended?¡± There was disbelief in my brother¡¯s voice and I didn¡¯t blame him. It was a plan created in desperation, but gaining the powers of an Ascended Necromancer was what I had initially been after when I searched for Drakor¡¯s soul. I had hoped that in finding our ancestor¡¯s soul I could have somehow melded it into my body, gaining the powers that he had in ages past. But this time I would have the power entirely to myself. Which was a much more agreeable idea. It would save me from dying and it could perhaps give me the power I needed to take care of Robert.


    I nodded, ¡°I¡¯ll make it happen. Don¡¯t worry about me, you¡¯ve got the exams to study for and Nathanael to worry about.¡±


    ¡°You can¡¯t just make me not worry, you know.¡±


    ¡°I know, but I can damn well try!¡±


    ¡°Boys,¡± Milistree shakes her head, ¡°If there is nothing else I have patients to attend to.¡±


    I winced, ¡°Right, sorry Lady Milistree.¡±


    ¡°And Drefan, are you going to be taking the place of the Royalian diplomat once you are...better?¡±


    ¡°Eventually I would like to.¡±


    ¡°When you do, I will not miss it. I have been more insulted in this last year than I have in the other five hundred years of my life. I will not miss this place,¡± Milistree opens the door back into the healing hall and leaves just the two of us.


    ¡°Is it that bad?¡± Thom asks, looking from the closing door to me.


    ¡°She¡¯s not Royalian and she is Ellearn. They will only insult her overtly.¡±


    ¡°So they treat you worse?¡±


    All I can do is shrug and I stand from the table, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.


    ¡°It''s fine, don¡¯t worry about it. What they say doesn¡¯t bother me.¡±


    The jagged letters scarred into the flesh of my left arm said otherwise.


    Monster...

 Chapter 4

    Nathanael


    I was terrified of the sky. I had only ever seen it through windows and it seemed endless like a sea you could drown in. I would lay with my back to the window, in the sun so I would not have to look up into the sky. I lay like a cat, stretched out on a green fainting couch in front of the largest window in the cabin.


    A sleepless night and half a day had passed since I learned I would die. I was drowsy as I had fought to go to sleep the night prior. It had taken my mother laying with me so that I would finally fall asleep only to wake in spurts to see if she was still there. Thom had not meant to make sleep fearful for me, but the idea of going into a long sleep that took me away from my family terrified me. It had not helped that my father was grieved with my anger, and he had chastised me for it. Anger was no emotion for a Prince or a King to display, that ¡®was allowing the emotion to control you instead of you controlling it¡¯. I was not allowed to show a temper.


    Today Drefan came home from a nearly year-long trip north. I did not know why he had gone, only that he had gone north and come home. Why did he have to come back? It wasn¡¯t that I disliked him, but the house was much more peaceful without him here. I could remember yelling and arguing at all hours of the night. I remembered Thom distraught one evening, coming to me, keeping me from going into the basement. I learned later from overhearing that Drefan had cut himself, deep this time, and had been bleeding in his room until his mother had bound the wounds.


    But I shouldn¡¯t think bad things about Drefan. His family was that much happier when he was around, especially Thom. I just didn¡¯t understand why Drefan did the things he did. Why did he cut himself? Wouldn¡¯t that just hurt?


    I bucked up my courage and turned to look through the window at the Sovereign Guard who sat on the front porch steps. There were always at least two guards on duty at the cabin, but both of them stuck close to the front and back doors. Two of the guards were from Royale, and two were from Camar¡¯a. The two from Camar¡¯a were part of the Sovereign Guard, they protected the royal family and could be recognized by their uniforms. A gold, black, and aqua brocade coat over a gold and aqua vest beneath, layered over the aqua tights that slipped into black knee-high leather boots. The two from Royale were called Black Guards and they wore a black with gold button coat that was embellished on the collar and cuffs.


    My eyes strayed to the kitchen which was the second door to my right. The kitchen knives were all in a wooden holder. Why did Drefan cut himself? What did he get from doing so? Standing, shaking, my blanket fell to my feet as I looked around our living room at the wooden furniture and center table. Hung on the wall were small paintings of my ancestors. I walked into the kitchen, the un-shaded windows providing the only light. Taking a large knife from the holder, I curiously stared at it, and then my forearm. I  wasn¡¯t really thinking then beyond that curiosity and wish to understand Drefan¡¯s obsession.


    Laying it against the skin of my lower left arm I chewed on my lip letting it slice. All thought left my body; I gasped, a whine also escaping my lips, finding at that moment that I drew pleasure from pain. I found out later that my eyes would be blood-red as they are every time I experience pain. I could see nothing but a haze of red, but I could hear.


    The sound of someone arriving through the teleportation circles.


    Fumbling, the kitchen knife slid through my blood-soaked fingers to clatter to the kitchen floor. Blood sprayed from the blade over the tile as my eyes came into focus, to stare at what I had done. Then in slow motion, my eyes moved from the blade to the blood on my arm. It began to flow thick like syrup, rolling off my flesh to drop to the floor below.


    Drip¡­Drip¡­Drip¡­.


    Fearing the worst, that a member of the family had come home early, I grabbed the small dishrag from the counter and with furious pressure clamped it down on my arm. I heard footsteps drawing near and my heart jumped into my throat, with uneven breathing and fear in my eyes.


    Thom stood in the kitchen doorway, a small basket in both hands.


    Putting the basket down on the kitchen counter, Thom came close to me, concerned.


    ¡°Nate?¡± So many questions were asked through the pronunciation of my name, but most of all why? I couldn¡¯t answer that, I had done it out of curiosity... I started to cry.


    ¡°I-I d-don¡¯t know why,¡± I tried backing away even as my chest tightened and it became harder to breathe. Back hitting the southern kitchen wall.


    ¡°Hey, Shhhh¡­,¡± Tanned hands reached out, taking my bleeding arm. I watched as Thom took a closer look at the wound.


    ¡°Do you like pain?¡± The question was unexpected and my curious icy blue eyes looked up into a pair of green. Did I? I had not thought of what I was doing once the blade had hit the skin.


    ¡°Ye-yes, I do I think,¡± What else could have been my strange reaction to it? But what did Thom think?


    ¡°I see,¡± he whispered, watching me a moment before continuing, ¡°There is nothing I can do to stop you, but you have to be careful where you are cutting and how much pressure you use. I know Drefan would be able to help us with this.¡±


    A smile lit my features and I pulled my husband into a loose embrace at his understanding. Making sure to keep my head down as I was not wearing one of my cloth masks and I did not want to get Thom sick.


    ¡°Did you bring food?¡± I asked, finding that indeed I was hungry.


    ¡°I have, I thought it would be nice to have a mid-day meal together before I have to go watch council with my Father.¡±


    Before anything else, Thom grabbed a cloth from the nearest counter and pressed it down to stop the bleeding. Once this was done I moved so Thom could take the picnic basket to the kitchen table. I made my way past him, going into my bedroom to grab one of my clean cloth masks that sat in a pile by my bedside. I came back to the kitchen, put on the mask, and watched as he took out the loaf of bread and creamy cheese that we would spread over it. Then the pieces of roasted rabbit to go with it. I sat down and listened as Thom told me about some of the academics he had been studying in the mornings. Royalian history, Royalian law, and morality...I did not understand a lot of it but I listened anyway.


    Again the sound of the teleportation circles, and moments later Drefan was walking past the northern kitchen doorway.


    ¡°Drefan, Nath needs to ask you for something.¡±


    Drefan stops and comes into the kitchen, his brow cocked upwards.


    I found the words frozen in my throat, but Thom clasps my hands, ¡°Drefan does it too. He¡¯ll understand. I promise.¡±


    ¡°Drefan, I-I cut myself,¡± I brought forth the arm that now had a layer of dried blood on it.


    Drefan¡¯s other brow rose as well and he would move toward the sink, his back to us both, ¡°And how was it?¡±


    ¡°I-I-,¡± How was it? How was I to answer that? I stood up and Thom stood behind me, arms loosely wrapped around my middle.


    It was only when Drefan looked at us both again that I answered, ¡°I...liked it.¡±


    ¡°Clearly, enough to forget the mess you made,¡± Drefan joked looking from the blade and blood on the kitchen floor back to me.


    ¡°Oh!¡± I had not even realized I had left that mess; thank goodness it had been Thom and Drefan who came home first.


    ¡°Come here,¡± Drefan calls and I reluctantly make my way to his side. He passes me a rag and I kneel beside him, wiping up the bloody mess I had made.


    He would take the knife to the basin, ¡°I¡¯ll clean up the knife. Next time be more careful, and use a bowl if you can so the blood won''t get onto your clothes and the furniture.¡±


    Drefan was so calm about all of this, it helped.


    ¡°And brat I would keep this from your parents, it''s not something they would understand.¡±


    I had already thought about that and I nodded, agreeing with him. I did not want to know how my Mother or Father would react to the cut, to my reaction, any of it. It was best kept a secret.


    Drefan stood at the basin cleaning the kitchen knife while Thom and I finished eating the food that Thom had brought home. Once finished, Thom cleaned up our mess and put the basket aside. Drefan had disappeared down into the basement by that point.


    ¡°Time for council,¡± Thom leans and kisses my forehead. Waving to me goodbye as he leaves, and I wave back.


    Not knowing what to do with the bloody rags, I picked them up and made my way to the basement stairs. From the living room, the hall was straight back, winding past the basement door, with my room to the left. I would close the door behind me and I blink as I adjusted to the much darker environment. Bare stone walls surrounded me as I walked down stone stairs. I held onto the wooden railing until I felt the bottom where pelts warmed the otherwise cold stone floor. I wiggled my bare toes and would set the rags beside the large laundry bucket and washboard. I would need help washing the rags. It was silent down here, where was Drefan?


    This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.


    Walking past the laundry area, Thom¡¯s room was at the north end, with his door left partially open. His name had been carved into the wood, just like mine and Drefan¡¯s. I touched those indents with my fingers. With how different Thom and Drefan were,  they were almost opposites; which made it hard to believe they were related.


    Normally Drefan¡¯s door was closed and locked, but with Drefan home, I found it unlocked and open. Two small candles on either side of his bed were lit as well as a candle beside an altar. This altar had a black marble figure seated wearing a dark grey robe. Its head was a plume of black flames, indistinct with no face. On its lap was a human skull. On the left side of the altar was a black gem that resembled a diamond lying upon a plate of what looked like the dust of the same thing. Various leaves lay littered over the dresser altar. There were different kinds of tree bark as well as small bones around the statue.


    My attention was held by the strange imagery in front of me. So I had not asked myself where Drefan was. The older male grabbed me by the scruff of my tunic and pulled me into the room that smelled of strange aromas. Slamming me back into the wall beside the door I gasped as my head hit the stone wall, hands moving up to cradle my skull.


    ¡°What are you doing down here?!¡± Drefan turns us both, throwing me onto his bed and I curl into myself at the pain that spreads through my head, a ringing in my ears.


    I stayed silent, looking up at Drefan with tears in my eyes.


    ¡°Peter will nullify everything if he knows about the altar,¡± grabbing my arm Drefan drags me closer to himself across the bed. ¡°You will tell them nothing, do you understand? You saw nothing!¡±


    I didn¡¯t understand any of this, all I knew was that my head hurt and Drefan was angry at me. Where he held my arm, there was pain too as bruises bloomed from his heavy fingertips on my skin. I nodded then, not trusting my voice, afraid.


    ¡°Fuck,¡± Drefan pulls away from me, making fists as we both hear multiple footsteps upstairs. ¡°Just go, tell them you fell. Don¡¯t say a word.¡±


    I would slowly sit up, nauseous. I forced myself to stand even though things were uneven and would not stop moving. I did not know if I would make it up the stairs but I wanted out of that room, away from Drefan, and away from the altar that was the reason for my pain.


    ¡°Nathanael?¡± I knew that voice, Mother!


    ¡°Momma?¡± I called back and pulled down my sleeve to hide the bruises there, giving up a whimpering sound from the bottom of the stairs.


    Elaina came down the stairs enveloping me in her arms, ¡°What happened?¡±


    ¡°I tripped when I was going down the stairs. I tripped.¡±


    I gave no explanation for why I was down here, I was an awful liar, and this lie was enough already to make me feel guilty.


    ¡°My head hurts,¡± I gave and she gasped, kissing my forehead.


    ¡°Peter!¡±


    My Father was there then, coming down the stairs and picking me up to bring me back up to the main level. I was carried into my room and settled onto my bed, where, in safety and comfort I clutched onto my Mother as I started to cry. Clinging to her dress I gave up shallow sobs, hurting and not understanding why Drefan was so angry with me. What was that altar? What were all the things laid around it? Why was it bad and if it was bad, then why did Drefan have it? What had he meant when he said Peter would nullify everything? What did that mean?


    ¡°Nathanael, I think it''s best if you lay down for a little while,¡± my Mother explained to me and would help me get under the covers. ¡°If you''re sleepy don¡¯t fight it, just rest.¡± My father casts an aura of healing over me and as the light encases me the pressure releases from my skull. But I did not want to sleep! I fought it with a defiant pout and my Mother wrapped her arms around me. ¡°Shhh...sleep,¡± she whispers and it is not long after that I reluctantly fall asleep. My body was too tired to fight for long.


    I had slept all day and it was night As I approached the stairs to my parent''s room, I heard them talking in somewhat raised voices. The second level of the cabin was small, with only two bedrooms, my parents and Thom¡¯s parents across from each other. I crawled up the stairs in part to be quieter than usual and out of concern for my earlier head injury. I did not know if it had been fully healed by the spell my father had cast upon me. But better safe than sorry.


    ¡°Enough, we both know that this conversation is pointless Elaina.¡±


    There was a moment of silence that followed Peter¡¯s words and my Mother is the one to speak next.


    ¡°I found bloody rags by the wash basket. At first, I thought they were Drefan¡¯s but when Nathanael was sleeping this afternoon he kept whimpering when I touched his left arm. There was a wound there that was not from a fall down the stairs.¡±


    ¡°What? What was it?¡±


    ¡°I found a cut down his left arm, a cut that could only have been self-inflicted; it was made with a knife.¡±


    ¡°Are you...are you sure it¡¯s self-inflicted?¡±


    ¡°It was done with a knife, and I cannot imagine Thom or Drefan cutting Nathanael with a knife like that.¡±


    I could feel the sorrow through the doorway, and my father¡¯s...disgust?


    "Our son is a cutter? A Masochist?" the words were a mixture of disbelief and distaste, ¡°Haven¡¯t we taught him what such perverse acts mean to his spirit?¡±


    To lose the spirit; the sacred breath given by Reinn Anon, Lord of Holy Light and Storms in the beginnings was no life at all. It was a fate worse than death to let loose the sacred light locked within the shell.


    What had I done? I wasn¡¯t like Drefan, I had Reinn¡¯s holy light inside of me, given to me by our Lord¡¯s sacred breath. By opening the flesh, that light, that breath deserted me. It did not matter that I had not seen it escape my skin when I cut, it was based on faith, the conviction in something greater than myself.


    My thoughts had turned inwards and I had failed to make out what was being said by my parents. But I paid attention now and the words burned my heart.


    ¡°...He must realize without the light of his soul he is only a shell, a...Monster?¡±


    Swallowing my tears I reared back and away from the door, no longer able to listen to them talk about me anymore. But I did not want them to know I had been there. They knew of my wrongdoing and that was awful enough, but for them to know I was eavesdropping was that much worse. Would they have said these things to my face? I don¡¯t know. But the words had been said and there was no way to go back to a time before then.


    I clung to the wall as I made my way downstairs, the words ringing in my mind.


    Shell...


    Monster.


    What did it mean to be a monster? I only knew that it was something you never wanted to hear your loved ones call you.


    Thom was not there that night, sleeping at the Royalian palace. I had no one I could go to, as I knew the guards would bring me to my parents. But Drefan...he had reasons to avoid anything being said to them. But he had injured me earlier, did it make sense to go down to him? All I knew was that I did not want to be alone and I could not go to those that should have been the first ones I ran to.


    The stairs creaked beneath my feet again as I descended into the basement. I could see flickering light around the corner and I followed it in the darkness. I peered with fear into Drefan¡¯s room, and I saw that he had his back to me. On his bed were saddlebags that were already packed. So he was leaving again?


    I sniffled and Drefan tensed, turning to see me in the doorway. His brows furrowed at the sight of my tear-stained face and he unfurled to his feet from in front of that nameless altar.


    ¡°Brat?¡±


    Why did he constantly call me that? I rubbed my eyes trying to not cry harder. I was done with being called awful things for one night!


    Shaking fingers were laid on my shoulder and I looked up at him, doubtful, was he going to hurt me again?


    He asks, ¡°What happened?¡±


    I shook my head, arms wrapping about my middle. The wound still hurt too deep and I swallowed looking past him, ¡°Who is that?¡± I wanted to know what that altar was.


    ¡°Ah...Lord Nanqa. Lord of Darkness and Undead.¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­¡± Now I understood. Yes, my parents would have been angry, terribly angry to know the Lord of Darkness had an altar in their home.


    ¡°About earlier¡­¡± Drefan grasps my shoulder, ¡°Shit. I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    It was nice hearing that and I nodded.


    ¡°Where are you going, Drefan?¡±


    ¡°You got to keep this one to yourself as well alright. I¡¯m going to what we call the Necromantic Bastion. It¡¯s where the undead kingdom is.¡±


    ¡°Why?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m going to learn more necromancy from some of the undead there and I have a friend that I need to take there.¡±


    ¡°An undead friend?¡±


    Drefan chuckles, ¡°Yes. His name is Yeshe, he was a palace guard. I¡¯m looking out for him now.¡±


    I looked around the room again and then at his large bed, ¡°Could I...stay here?¡±


    ¡°What? Sleep here? I guess¡­ if you tell me what happened.¡±


    I made a face of protest at Drefan, scrunching my features which only made Drefan chuckle that much more.


    But I relented.


    ¡°Papa said...I was a monster.¡±


    Drefan goes quiet, his brows furrowing that much deeper and he shakes his head, ¡°You''re not a monster. It¡¯s people like me that your parents think are monsters.¡±


    ¡°They found out about the cut and-,¡± I sniffled again and bit into my lip.


    ¡°And for that, they call you a monster?¡±


    There is plenty of anger in Drefan¡¯s features as he half turns away from me, as though he was trying to calm himself.


    ¡°You''re not a monster, Nathan. I know my words don¡¯t mean anything against the words of your parents but I¡¯m going to say it anyway. You¡¯re not a monster.¡±


    ¡°But you believe you are?¡±


    Drefan turned back to me, flashing a grin at me, pain in his eyes. He grabs at his left sleeve, pulling it up to show the jagged letters scarred into the flesh of his left arm that spelled the word that I was coming to hate.


    Monster.


    He speaks with conviction, ¡°If you are a monster, little one, then know that you¡¯re not alone.¡±


    Drefan pulls down his sleeve even as I still stare at the letters, wondering what the scars would feel like beneath my fingertips.


    ¡°Alright. It¡¯s late, you should get some sleep. At this point, I¡¯m unlikely to sleep anyway.¡±


    Biting harder into my bottom lip I nod, pulling my thoughts away from what he had shown me.


    ¡°Drefan, could you...give Nanqa a prayer for me?¡±


    There was silence as Drefan stared at me, ¡°I...suppose. You realize Reinn may not be happy about that.¡±


    ¡°I...I know. Just ask him to look after Thom for me? Thom¡¯s his, so he should be willing to do that? Right?¡±


    ¡°He should. I¡¯ll add that to my prayers before I leave.¡±


    ¡°Thank you!¡±


    I hugged Drefan who was startled and tense in my arms. But it didn¡¯t matter, I was happy that Drefan would ask that prayer for me. It was almost enough to forget what father had said, almost. I pulled back the covers and slipped into Drefan¡¯s bed watching him as he goes through some rituals I do not understand.


    ¡°Drefan when you come home, could you teach me about Nanqa?¡±


    He looked back at me suspiciously and I continued, ¡°I want to understand, and if I¡¯m supposed to rule with Thom someday shouldn¡¯t I know about your god?¡±


    ¡°You should. I¡¯m not much of a teacher but when I¡¯m done with my training in the necromantic bastion I will do what I can to teach you about Nanqa and Royale.¡±


    Happy with that I took in a deep breath laying there, staring up at the wood ceiling. It was hard to sleep with my worries of never waking up and now I had to try to forget what father had called me. But when I finally closed my eyes, sleep came and my dreams were uneasy, blood dripping ever downwards¡­


    Drip¡­Drip¡­Drip¡­.

 Chapter 5

    Drefan


    I made sure that Nathanael was in his bed before I left the next morning. Whispering that it was best if he did not tell Thom about the letters cut into my skin. It would only upset him. Already falling asleep, the boy appeared to have agreed with a simple murmur of Thom¡¯s name.


    Yeshe and I would be taking horses on this trip. I would meet him outside the town of Ashtarak which was about a two-hour ride south from the capitol. I loaded my horse with saddlebags and hoisted myself up, my foot finding the stirrup and I slung myself over the horse. Settling into the saddle, I took the reins and we were off.


    Yeshe and I met up outside of Ashtarak and I could already tell that he was beginning to decay, his movements were slower with the reins and his eyes were turning dull. Hopefully, with some time in the presence of a Necromancer, he would stop decomposing as quickly as he had been previously. I could do little for the damage already done, however.


    Yeshe looks to me as we begin to ride together, ¡°To not catch your father¡¯s attention, camping each evening would be the best idea, instead of finding an inn.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re right. We will camp.¡±


    I did not relish the idea but we had bedrolls and tents with our supplies so we could make do.


    The closer we got to the southern mountains, the colder it became. We traveled into the evening, making camp as the sun went down. We made a small fire mainly for me as Yeshe no longer felt hot or cold, being undead. I stretched out near the fire.


    ¡°I was told by Avan that it was my brother who came up with the plan to bring me home.¡±


    ¡°Yes, Prince Thom came up with the core of it and reached out to Lady Suinia and me for assistance. It was Suinia¡¯s idea to take the obelisk out of my arm to disconnect me from the Emperor. I was unsure why that was needed until I arrived in Kestel and found you. I understood then that we should not have your condition found out by the Emperor.¡±


    ¡°Thank you, I would rather the Emperor not see me in such a weakened state.¡±


    Yeshe inclined his head before speaking again, ¡°Have you thanked Prince Thom?¡±


    ¡°Yes, a few days ago, on the evening I got home.¡±


    Yeshe had an arm slung around his right knee, relaxing where he was seated. He nods.


    ¡°You have not finished your necromancy training? I thought it would conclude around your eighteenth harvest.¡±


    ¡°Although I am nineteen, I have not yet signed a contract with the empire on how I will use my powers.¡±


    This was a requirement of graduation as a full-fledged Necromancer in Royale. There was a list of do¡¯s and don¡¯ts involved in our craft that we must adhere to, otherwise, we were considered rogue by the state. Normally this meant any and all could hunt you down and end you.


    ¡°I also would like to see if there is anything I can learn from Lord Daugovantril before I finish and sign anything permanent.¡±


    I have been learning necromantic rituals such as the inscription of symbols and words as well as rituals, spells, and the sacrifice of blood since my fourteenth winter.


    Yeshe nods, ¡°It¡¯s possible, he is old even by Ellearn years, perhaps he will still have things you do not yet know.¡±


    Lord Duagovantril was unique in that he was Ellearn, a long-lived species. Yet he chose undeath to lengthen the amount of time he would otherwise have. Ellearn on average lived over five hundred years so it was impossible to pinpoint Lord Duagovantril¡¯s age now that he was an Ascended. I hoped I could learn new necromantic skills under him although it had been years since I learned the basics.


    Necromancy begins with divination and for some, it ends there. ¡°Necromanteions¡±, or ¡°Oracles of the Dead¡±, were those who first developed a multitude of rituals aimed at reaching the deceased and summoning them back to the land of the living. These were necromancers who were devoted to the act of raising the spirits of the dead to answer questions to do with the past or to gain insight into the future.


    Necromancers could help people transition from death to undeath, heal wounds that could no longer recover naturally, and even ease someone¡¯s final passing from the world. The Royalian people had necromancers that served as their guide to the Amartharine River as necromancers are seen as priests to our deity. Nanqa, Lord of Darkness, Undead, and Honor. So that necromancers could stand by the sick bed they learned funeral magics, funerary practices, the psychology of death, post-mortem rites, and rituals enabling them to be ready to serve imperial citizens in life and nonlife alike.


    But it was not those practices that the northerners detested us for. It was our manipulation of the energy that animates all living things. The ability to sap the life force from a creature as your magic destroys its body, transforming that vital energy into magical power. The ability to infuse that body with undeath in the ability to raise the dead but not in order to resurrect like those clerics of Reinn Anon¡¯s light, no, we created undead from those we raised. There were laws in Royale that forbid the raising of the unwilling dead. Those that did not wish to come back as undead were forbidden, we had to ask the soul of the body we would be raising. If they conceded we could raise them, if not, they were simply off-limits to us. But there would always be rogue necromancers and Camarians think that all necromancers did such things. When in reality, raising the dead was a specialized form of necromancy that not all necromancers studied in.


    Readying ourselves for bed we finished our discussion. After half a day on horseback after so long not riding I fell asleep stiff and pained.


    -


    The days and the nights blended together on this trip.


    We followed a map that I had copied from the palace library. There were no road signs as to where we were going. The Undead did not want to advertise where they lived, far back in these frozen mountains. Even in gloves, the tips of my fingers were beginning to go numb as the breaths of the horses became more visible and labored. We pushed our horses in the cold as I did not wish to camp more than I had to in this bitter chill.


    Finally, in the distance, I could see the fortress and as we came closer more detail popped into view.


    A stone oval rampart surrounded the nearest side of the fortress. This was a fortress that was built long enough ago that it was no longer known if its creation was human or undead made. The snowy fortress had multiple levels of towers, climbing higher and higher, each tower and wall having small windows, closed with wooden shutters against the snowfall. Peaking at the top of the keep were three separate towers, each higher than the others, with wider and longer windows.


    Two ghosts floated at the entry, and one came toward us, eyeing both of us.


    ¡°A necromancer and a zombie...were you invited to Kuro Juhtumid?¡±


    ¡°Yes, I received a letter from Lord Daugovantril,¡± fishing out the letter I would show it to the guard who looks it over and nods.


    ¡°Welcome then to Kuro Juhtumid. You may proceed to the keep.¡±


    Once we had dismounted, we walked our horses into the stable, which was closed up to keep the warmth trapped inside. An undead woman was brushing down another horse, chestnut in color with a dark brown mane and tail. Brushing down my mare, I would make sure that my horse had hay to eat before leaving. Yeshe bantered with me about the cold and how well I could handle the temperatures for the time I would stay here. Some necromancers chose to live here as did necromancer initiates who trained here, so there must be hearth fires inside!


    Indoors we found the giant hearth fire against the southern wall. There were six stone sarcophagi that rimmed the outer wall of the keep. Curious, I crouched down to get a good look at the carvings in the stone. There were garlands on this sarcophagus, stone-carved between posed warriors.


    ¡°The original inhabitants of the fortress,¡± a voice comes from behind me and I stood quickly, turning to meet this stranger. I gave the man a scornful look for sneaking up on me like that. But he just tilted his head at me, one side of his face was flesh-covered and alive, whereas the other half was all necrotic tissue of the skin. The sinew and muscle beneath worked as he spoke again.


    ¡°Lord Daugo decided that those that first protected this place should be honored in death as they were not undead.¡±


    I nodded, finding myself fascinated with the fact that this man had an empty socket where his right eye should be, and when he opened his mouth to speak I could see how the muscle and jaw worked together to help him form his words.


    ¡°Thank you for telling me, would Lord Daugovantril be nearer to the top levels of the fortress?¡±


    ¡°Yes, he has use of the topmost tower. As you have an invitation then I imagine he is waiting for you both.¡±


    Nodding, I look to Yeshe, ¡°Then let us head up.¡±


    Up endless winding steps, I had to stop at intervals due to my lungs. They felt as though they were on fire. Yeshe stopped with me giving me looks of concern when I ended up coughing so much that I had to sit on a step. I could see it in his dull brown eyes, he knew I was dying. I ignored both him and the pain, persevering up those stairs through pure stubbornness. I would have to go up these stairs whenever I wished to converse with Lord Daugvantril, best get used to the pain and frustration now.


    Lord Duagovantril waited at the top of the stairs for us, which meant he had heard my hacking and my gulping of breath. He was a figure I was sure not to forget, with pastel orange hair to his shoulders, ashen grey features, and one eye of pure red and another of yellow. There were golden rings through his lower lip and the upper cartilage of his ears that curled like fallen autumn leaves. He did not allow me the embarrassment of my coughing as he went straight to the point, ¡°My new apprentice, sent here to me already dying. I suppose I will teach you downstairs in the hall and cleave the amount of time you would spend outside in the cold, dry air. I recall learning that such air can wreak havoc on already failing lungs.¡±


    Pushing back his pastel orange hair behind his shoulders and out of his eyes, Lord Daugovantril turned then to Yeshe and smiled, ¡°This is the Black Guard that we get to keep? We always have room for another warrior. Welcome.¡±


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    Yeshe crossed his arms and bowed deeply to the Ascended, ¡°Thank you. I am glad to have somewhere to call home again.¡±


    ¡°Come, you made it up here, so come, enjoy it.¡±


    Each of the four pillars was layered with femurs and skulls at the corner points from ceiling to floor. At the very end of the room was a wall of recessed skulls with a raised oval altar of stone, stained with blood. It too had skulls recessed in the altar from top to bottom. Torches lit the room from both sides of its curving walls. There were two stone tables, one on the west and eastern side of the room. These stone tables on either side of the room had skulls recessed into them as well. Books were stacked on both of the tables, whereas only one had jars of herbs and other magical components.


    Lord Duagovantril ran a hand over the recessed skulls, ¡°As you can see, we have had use for those who attack the fortress. We would rather not see them added to our numbers of course, but their bodies can be made useful.¡±


    ¡°Artistic,¡± Yeshe mumbles, as such desecration of the dead was an anathema to a Royalian.


    ¡°The ground is cold and stiff, even with the increase in strength of the undead; burying the dead is difficult and tedious here. So instead, we keep the dead inside.¡±


    Lord Duagovantril looks to Drefan, ¡°Now Prince Drefan, what would you like to learn from me while you are here?¡±


    ¡°My end goal would be to become like you, milord. A lich.¡±


    ¡°It''s not surprising to me, I do not know of a necromancer who would scoff at the idea of being a lich. But the process is a long and painful one. There have been times when it caused outright insanity in the seeker from the excruciating pain involved.  Now I do not say this to discourage you as I doubt you could be discouraged, but to make sure you are aware of the risk involved.¡±


    He was right; it would take more than that to discourage me from my plans.


    ¡°Milord, why did you agree to train me?¡±


    ¡°The last necromancer in the Royale family was your Grand-uncle Talkran, as your father and grandfather never took to the dark arts. I have seen that your brother has not either. So I was interested to see what you are capable of as a Royalian Prince. Though I admit there was another reason. You are or were the Royalian diplomat in the Camarian court, yes?¡±


    ¡°I was, yes.¡±


    ¡°Is it possible for you to gain access to the Camarian royal library?¡±


    ¡°It would be possible milord. What do you want from there?¡±


    ¡°Everything and anything. Bring me books from the royal library so my scribes can copy them and add them to my collection. That is the price you will pay to be my apprentice. Simple enough.¡±


    Lord Daugovantril laughs and he turns away in a dramatic flourish of his button-down coat, ¡°Knowledge is everything to a lich. We stave off death to learn what we could never have otherwise. But I fear my collection is quite sparse of Camarian texts as the Holy Camarian Empire is far from here and they are not welcoming of my kind. You will help me remedy that.¡±


    I agreed to his plan as I had no reason not to. The payment for working with him, learning how to become a lich was to bring him books from the Camarian library so he could copy them? It would not be difficult at all.


    ¡°Now, I will show you downstairs so you know where everything is.¡±


    Wonderful, back down the stairs which I suppose was better than going up more flights of stairs.


    We were shown what each level of the towers had for us, and which ones were private quarters for those like myself who were studying there. Thankfully, those private quarters were on the second floor, along with a kitchen. There was little reason for me to venture higher up except to come to see Lord Duagovantril. Yeshe introduced himself to those on the main level that had first spoken to me and settled with them for a while.


    My issue of feeling as though I was dying while taking a flight of stairs was the first thing Lord Duagovantril wanted to deal with. As I could not change my physical state, instead he would have me use magic to aid in my traveling.


    ¡°Have you ever learned to manipulate the naturally occurring darkness of your soul?¡±


    With furrowed brows, I shook my head, ¡°I have heard of Ascended being able to do so, but can mere necromancers do it?¡±


    ¡°With practice, yes. Your darkness is more substantial than the average Royalian due to your bloodline coming from the Fallen Archangel Taedras. It is as though your soul exists deeper within you allowing for you to gather more of it to maneuver and use in spellwork. I can teach you how to create doorways with it that will allow you to teleport distances that normally only wizards with their teleportation spells can accomplish.¡±


    Gesturing me forward to approach the nearest wall, ¡°You will need to visualize your darkness like you see a dark cloud and draw on it, moving it outward and toward the wall. Visualize that darkness forming a doorway that you will walk through. As you get better at doing so, more darkness will manifest itself in the manner in which you envision, becoming a doorway that will close behind you. Now practice, my apprentice.¡±


    It took me days of mind-numbing repetition, calling my darkness outwards, visualizing a door that I could walk through. My darkness did manifest, over and over, but never in a large enough amount for my entire body to fit through it. So I practiced and I pulled at the dimness inside of me until I grew frustrated and knew that I had to stop trying for that day.


    Until I finally had it. The portal was broad and tall enough that I could walk through it without difficulties. But where had I thought to teleport to? I had been so concerned about manifesting enough of the darkness that I had forgotten where the doorway was meant to bring me! But there was only one way to find out so I pushed forward through the dense fog-like atmosphere and would step out into the royal gardens of the palace. I was face to face with the statue of the Fallen Archangel Marthei, known as The Watcher. Her dark skin was in contrast to the white of her dress and the blanket that was wrapped around the infant in Marthei¡¯s embrace. The fallen Archangel held my brother Artegal close to her chest, her eyes closed and black curls wild about her face. Aidna was for the moment not in the grove with the statue, unusual as this was where Mother spent the majority of her time. But I would not let the location I had come through diminish my feeling of success.


    The exhilaration I felt was something I had not experienced in years. The euphoric feeling of learning something new, supplementing my necromancy, and by that making myself more powerful! Father could not teleport like this, this control of my darkness was mine alone and could be used to check on Thom, hide my training, and more. I was almost like a giddy child, teleporting back to the keep and looking for Lord Duagovantril in order to share my success.


    I found the lich lord conducting a lesson with initiates, seated before them in his normal attire of a purple, gold button-down coat, white undershirt, trousers, and boots with heels.


    ¡°Death is an equalizer and from that, we have nothing to fear from it. What we fear is having things left undone. Leaving people behind. But to be a necromancer one needs to accept death and not fear it. You must have reverence for death and not be insensitive to it, after all a life is a life no matter how small it may appear in the grander picture. But the truth is everything will die. Even those of us who separate ourselves from our souls in a bid to gain more time will one day be killed in full.


    And those who fear death will fear the spirits and the dead that you are honor-bound to work with. Your fear will not allow you to do this work and be so close to death,¡± Lord Duagovantril rises and begins to pace.


    ¡°If you are afraid we will work on your fear. But I will say now that such fear means that perhaps you were made to be a healer or a poet, and not a necromancer. There is no shame in walking with the Sun instead of living in the Darkness, as some people do not belong in the dim hollow and need the daylight to be healthy and happy.¡±


    Lord Duagovantril claps his hands together, ¡°Do not worry.  We will find out what you were meant for regardless if you were meant to be here or somewhere else.¡±


    Seeing me he smiles and walks between the two rows of his students, ¡°Prince Drefan, you look particularly lucent today.¡±


    ¡°Ah...well, I finally managed the darkness portal and teleported to the imperial capital.¡±


    ¡°I see! Fairly done, now you may come and go from the keep at your leisure. Which reminds me, I believe you owe me a book?¡±


    ¡°I do. I will portal home and use the teleportation circles there to take me to the Camarian Capital. Tomorrow you will have a few Camarian books to copy.¡±


    ¡°Excellent.¡±


    So the next morning I created a portal of darkness and stepped through it, coming out into my bedroom in the Royalian palace. For the room of a prince, in a palace, it was plain and even frugal. Most of my books on necromancy were in my room at the cabin, so the bookshelves were only half full. That half being Royalian theology, law, and code. My practice staff was beside the queen-sized bed, ready for when Saimaa called me to the training grounds. A bow would be in the closet, ready for those times Father had taken Thom and me on a hunt. The desk was a mess of notes, scrolls, and quills. I could not remember what I was studying last or writing before I left for the northern deserts. It had simply been too long.


    I would have to take the teleportation circles to the Camarian castle. The teleportation circles were housed in their own room in all three locations, in the cabin, the Imperial Royalian palace, and the Camarian royal castle. They were a circular raised platform surrounded by candles and runes. A combination of the runes must be known to teleport to one of the three locations. The combinations were not difficult to remember and because of the fact that anyone could use the circles, they needed twenty-four-hour monitoring. A pair of individuals called Grimhorns, a human people that were magic immune and considered natural mage hunters, stood at the doorways to the teleportation circles in the palace and the castle. As the cabin was so remote and already had spells protecting the glade, there had not been a need for further guards at its teleportation room. I configured the runes and stepped onto the platform.


    The Camarian royal library was straddled with dark wood pillars and archways holding up the three stories of books. It was an open area on the first floor, allowing mages who were apprenticed to the Mage¡¯s tower at the castle to study in the royal library at the many tables. The second floor was mainly bookshelves with desks here and there. The third floor was entirely bookshelves with no other surfaces. Enclosed candles lit the library levels with mage-glass windows on the second and third floors allowing in natural light. The library was quieter than other places inside the castle but it still had boisterous individuals pouring over books, maps, and scrolls at various tables.


    I was on a mission to find interesting books for Daugovantril. But what would he find interesting? Camarian history? Theology? I might as well take a number back, perhaps three or four so that he could either have his scribes copy all of them or take the most interesting of them to be recorded.


    On the second level of the library, I was skimming over book titles when I looked up and I saw him. He had to be an Ellearn, tall and lithe, at least six foot five in height, with his arms and legs appearing longer than his torso. He wore a simple white robe, and his silver hair was down to his knees. His face was masculine for an Ellearn who were a naturally androgynous people. But still, was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. His aquamarine eyes lifted to find mine on him as though he had known he was being watched. Quickly I looked back to the book in my hands of Reinnen theology trying my best to appear unfazed. I did not want him to catch me blushing; I was not some maiden who would fall over themselves for a man. I was upset with myself for my reaction to him and although I wanted to seem unfazed, I was frazzled and had difficulties turning my attention back to the task I had given myself. I started to look over the bookshelves once more when I heard footsteps drawing near to me and when I looked, it was him. It just had to be him. Had he noticed my staring?


    He was the first to speak, ¡°Excuse me, I haven¡¯t seen you in the library before. May I ask for your name?¡±


    Looking at him, now up close I could see the eternity in his eyes, and the spark of sadness that denoted Ellearn of ancient age. Why did he even want to talk to me of all people?


    But I answered, ¡°I am Prince Drefan Royale of the second blood, I was the Royalian diplomat and will be returning to that duty soon.¡±


    ¡°I am Lord Riq¡¯ua Riviria of the Banyan Ellearn. You are Royalian, that¡¯s interesting. I have not had the opportunity to meet many from the South or learn about the Southern Empire. I would be very interested in speaking with you when or if time permits it.¡±


    ¡°I am an apprentice so I am often busy but-¡± I would not dare be rude to an Ellearn so old, ¡°perhaps the mid-day of this week at noon?¡± I would not admit to my own curiosity about him.


    ¡°Wonderful. Then I will buy the mid-day meal as a thank you.¡±


    ¡°You do not have to do that.¡±


    ¡°It would be my pleasure,¡± Lord Riq¡¯ua bows gracefully and with the rules of hospitality all I could do was nod and give my thanks once again. My very bones felt light and I leaned back against the railing behind me.


    It was a short conversation, my first time seeing and speaking with Lord Riq¡¯ua, but it would not be my last. I honestly looked forward to the opportunity of getting to know this ancient man who wanted to know more about my people. They were one of the few things I was proud of, the Royalian Empire and its citizens. Our laws and our code. It was so much easier talking about anything other than me.

 Chapter 6

    Nathanael


    It was nearing the end of autumn and would soon be winter time. I loved the winter months, as it meant that my step-sister Nilec would be coming home. She spent the spring and summer months in Mellimdisiel, the homeland of the Ellearn. But she always spent the last of autumn and all of the winter at the cabin with me. It was always good to have her company, but right now it was especially important to me.


    My parents had come home that morning and I rushed to hug them, something I always did. My mother pat my back as I coughed against her, not heeding her warnings that I should slow down. I never did. I was too excited to see them. Even after being called a monster, I could not deny that I wanted to be loved by them. They were my parents.


    But my father hugged me loosely and I barely felt his arms around my shoulders, no hands against my back as I coughed. He spoke to Mother over me, as if ignoring my being there with him. It hurt. I pulled away to look up at him and his blue eyes were not as cold as I feared, no, they were sad. Peter gestured to the kitchen and Mother and I followed, settling at the kitchen table. Across that table, my father¡¯s hand rested and my mother took it in hers, thumb rubbing against his skin. A reassurance I wish they would give me.


    My father said, ¡°We will have to ask a priest to come to the cabin, Nathanael is behind in his letters and words.¡±


    The sound of someone arriving through the teleportation circles could be heard in the background but I kept my attention on my parents.


    ¡°Well¡­alright, but who do we trust to know the location of the cabin?¡± my mother asked.


    ¡°We can ask for his eminence''s help in deciding who should teach Nathanael.¡±


    A cough came from the second kitchen doorway that was closer to the portals, Drefan stood there under the archway.


    ¡°If I may, your majesties?¡±


    My mother looked at him, ¡°Drefan?¡±


    ¡°Would bringing someone new into the cabin only increase the chance of Nathanael getting sicker? I would volunteer to teach him. I know Gaelian, quite well as my second language.¡±


    My father looked as though he was about to say something but he closed his mouth looking at my mother.


    Elaina smiles at Drefan, ¡°Thank you for the offer Drefan. Are you sure you will have time? Aidna told me you are taking classes of your own.¡±


    Drefan shrugs, ¡°I can make time for him.¡±


    Elaina softens, ¡°Thank you. I think it¡¯s a good idea. Less chance of bringing in more illness to the household and you may know more ways of teaching the language from how you were taught, Drefan.¡±


    Drefan nods and I cannot help but smile. Drefan wanted to teach me? To spend time with me? At least someone did¡­


    ¡°Then it''s decided. Drefan will tutor Nathanael.¡±


    Drefan would bow his head to my parents before he left the three of us in the kitchen alone. He made his way downstairs into the basement. My father shakes his head.


    ¡°Are you sure this is a good idea?¡±


    ¡°We have to show we trust them, Peter. Otherwise, what was the point in marrying Nathanael to Thom?¡±


    I looked between the two of them as they spoke and my mother rubbed my back once again.


    ¡°Ignore us Nathanael. Drefan will likely be a good teacher. He is quite patient. Now go on and play, your father and I have something to discuss, it seems.¡±


    I stood and would leave, knowing that they were going to argue about something, something to do with me. They only seemed to argue when I was involved somehow. I left them there and went to my room which was in part, across from the kitchen, where all I could hear was their hushed voices.


    Did I want to know what they were talking about? I stayed by the doorway to my bed-chamber, leaning a little out into the hallway to hear better¡­


    ¡°He needs religious instruction too, Elaina.¡±


    ¡°Less than a year ago and you would never have wanted the priests near him for anything other than healing.¡±


    ¡°Things have changed. He¡¯s changed.¡±


    ¡°He has not and I will not hear another word of this Peter. He is still our son and he is a child. Allow him these years before the priests try to make him into some sort of self-righteous king.¡±


    One of the kitchen chairs is pushed back on the wood floor and I dove down among my horses. I did not want them to know I had heard anything that had been said. I coughed into my cloth mask, my heart jumping. I took up my favorite horse and began to play, trying to appear as though I had been playing the entire time.


    I had changed¡­


    Yes, I was a monster now.


    I stayed in my room, even as my parents left and until I heard the front door open instead of the teleportation circles. That could only be Nilec! I did not know why she did not use the circles but she didn¡¯t, which meant she was the only one to use the front door. Again I didn¡¯t care that rushing from my room made me cough and that I had to stop to regain my breath. Nilec was already inside, pulling a large woolen sweater off and placing it over the fainting couch. She looks at me and gives a small smile, rubbing at her arms where she stood before opening them to me. I hug her, looking up at her, needing affection after my father ignored me. Her hair is in two messy braids down her back and she wears a boy¡¯s tunic and breeches in the colors of the forest. She doesn¡¯t look like a princess and I know that¡¯s what she wants. She would rather blend in and never have people notice she was ever there...


    I retreated so that she could feel comfortable again and she looked out the window. Then back at me, ¡°Do you want to collect some leaves with me? I would like to make an autumn wreath for Elaina.¡±


    Nodding I would run back to my room, Nilec calling after me to slow down as I coughed. I pulled on a woolen coat and did up the buttons before pulling on my leather boots. Nilec had her sweater back on and we headed out the back door, where I waved to the Royalian Black Guard, who sat on the stairs there. He would wave in return, and I could see the small smile on his face.


    We spent the afternoon collecting autumn leaves which were then made into a wreath. Nilec cut a strip of cloth which she fashioned into a circle and would sew each leaf onto the cloth to cover it with color. We left it on the kitchen table so Momma could find it easily when Father and she returned to the cabin later that week. Nilec put a note with it so they knew it was from both of us. So we spent our first day together.


    It was late that same night when Nilec came to wake me but I was already awake. I was still not wanting to sleep, afraid I would be taken in my sleep away from everyone, and everything. So when Nilec noticed I was awake she put out her hand to me.


    ¡°Come, I want you to see the stars.¡±


    She would bundle up my blankets in her arms and I was instructed to bring my pillow. I was nervous at the thought of the night sky and being outdoors so late. But I followed my Ellearn step-sister outside, where I saw that her blankets and pillow were already set up on the grass. She wrapped me in my blanket and I laid down on the pillow before she wrapped me in the other blanket too. The back of the cabin was simple, a large willow tree with a swing in the far left corner of the glade. The slight breeze moved the swing just enough to make noise, and just enough to leave me fearful in the darkness.


    But a skinny arm laid over me and Nilec smiled, drawing my attention to her face. This close I realized it was thinner than the last time I remembered seeing her. But that always seemed to be the case, thinner and thinner, soon I thought she would drift away in the wind¡­


    ¡°Look up, nice and slow,¡± she instructed.


    I took a deep breath and moved my eyes up to the trees that surrounded the glade where the cabin was built. Slowly progressing until there were stars in a darkened sky.


    ¡°See, the stars fill the sky at night so it''s not so endless,¡± she whispers to me and I swallow, nodding. That was true, the silvery specks of light did help make the sky seem less like an endless pool that would take me in and drown me.


    ¡°There is the fox,¡± Nilec points out constellations to me, and I tilt my head in different directions trying to make sense of the patterns in the stars. I could make out a few of the constellations she was explaining to me, but some I just could not see or understand.


    ¡°...And there is the rose, Drefan¡¯s favorite constellation,¡± she sighs and lays her head down on her pillow.


    ¡°You miss him, Nilly?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s been gone a long time¡­¡±


    ¡°But Nilly, he¡¯s back, he just comes and goes for training.¡±


    ¡°Is he here right now?¡±


    I nod enthusiastically to her as his presence seemed to mean a lot to her and I wanted her to be happy. She leans and kisses my forehead before unfurling and heading back inside. I carefully, slowly look up at the starry sky. I tried to count them, all of the specks that I could see but there were far too many, and yet I managed to count over a hundred. While I had been counting, Nilec must have talked Drefan into coming outside with us.


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    He was wearing a grey sleeping tunic and dark green tights and no makeup. If I had not known something was wrong with him already, I knew now. I could see the rope burns around his throat, the cheeks that were caved inwards by illness. The dark circles around his eyes and the frown lines that were always on his face. He looked old enough to be my parent. Definitely older than my Mother or Father.


    Drefan settled into the grass pulling a knee to his chest, looking at me briefly before looking up at the night sky. Nilec burrows back into her blankets beside me with Drefan on her other side.


    ¡°I¡¯m happy your back,¡± Nilec whispers.


    Drefan smiles at the stars, ¡°Thanks. I just wish I had gotten what I went up there to find. But it wasn¡¯t meant to be¡­was it?¡±


    ¡°No. Even without prophesying, the great sea¡¯s waters are clear enough to tell me that the future is unchanged.¡±


    ¡°Are you above water right now?¡±


    ¡°Yes, I¡¯m doing alright.¡±


    I looked between the two adults confused about what they were talking about, ¡°Nilly?¡±


    ¡°The purple seas, Nathanael. Where Seers tread water and try to stay above so they can breathe. But when we have visions, we often feel like we are drowning, being pulled deeper and deeper.¡±


    Drefan shudders, ¡°Deeper into the Abyss. Where you go when your mind shatters, and where Seers live half-lives, their minds both here and there at the same time.¡± Drefan reaches out and touches Nilec¡¯s shoulder after he speaks.


    Nilec takes in a deep breath and looks at me, ¡°It¡¯s why there are times I do not sound right, where my words are twisted and come out in rhyme. That¡¯s normally when I am beginning to drown.¡±


    I did not like the sound of that at all! I curled close to her, head against her shoulder and Nilec hugged me to her with feeble strength.


    ¡°No matter where my mind goes, I will always be your sister,¡± Nilec kisses my forehead once again. ¡°Even if I wander far in body and spirit, I will help you.¡±


    I looked up at her curiously, wondering just how much of our future she already knew. But from what I had been told, Seers rarely if ever were given visions about themselves or their families. The want to change the future would be too high than in those cases and Seers were not meant to change what was to happen, only warn of it.


    Yet each full-blooded Ellearn and those with Ellearn blood had a unique destiny that determined their proper course in life. Destiny decided the extent of one¡¯s life. For when an Ellearn¡¯s destiny was completed, they passed away, which I know knew meant they died. Ellearn were raised to love one¡¯s fate, to cherish and accept it. But for Seers, they saw the destinies of others and could change nothing.


    Maybe then¡­


    ¡°Is that why you¡¯re always so sad, you know what¡¯s going to happen and are not allowed to do anything about it?¡± I asked, still looking up at my step-sister.


    ¡°That is part of it,¡± Nilec agreed and she leaned to kiss my bald head, ¡°There are other things too that you do not need to worry yourself about. It¡¯s not time yet.¡±


    Yet. ¡°So, soon?¡±


    Nilec laughs and gives me a slight shove, ¡°Soon, yes, soon! You are not getting any secrets out of me.¡±


    Pouting up at her, Nilec gives me a half-hearted glare in return, ¡°No.¡±


    Drefan chuckles beside me watching the two of us, ¡°He¡¯s stubborn, I will give him that.¡±


    ¡°Comes by it naturally through Peter,¡± Nilec mumbles and Drefan grins in return. They both did not like my Father very much, I did not understand why.


    Nilec shoves Drefan¡¯s shoulder lightly, ¡°You are training again?¡±


    ¡°With Lord Duagovantril, the lich. I¡¯m hoping he will eventually teach me how to become one myself.¡±


    ¡°That would take care of your power issue.¡±


    ¡°It would, but it will be a bit yet before I go through the transformation. Lord Duagovantril wants to make sure I am fully ready so the chances of me surviving are at their highest possible.¡±


    I did not understand much of what he said except the idea of surviving meant not dying right?


    ¡°You could die?¡± I ask, worried because of the effect that would have on Thom.


    ¡°I could, but the chances will be very low when I do it. I¡¯m not leaving Thom again. Don¡¯t worry.¡±


    I nodded, still concerned but willing to believe him and so we talked. Nilec told us how she had spent her time in the Ellearn lands of the Mellim¡¯disiel, learning how to control and craft trees into shapes and around buildings. I let them know of my boredom, being stuck here at the cabin mainly by myself except for the guards on duty. Drefan explained what Lord Duagovantril asked him to do in exchange for his apprenticeship. I asked if Drefan could bring me books too so I could learn more and he said he would find some for me that were meant for children.


    The sun was beginning to come up and as the stars began to disappear I whimpered not liking that the sky would be an endless pool once again, high above me. Nilec hugs me and promises that we would keep working together through my fears. She whispers that once I could handle the sky she would take me to see the ocean. That sounded scary but exciting and I nodded to her glaring up at the light green firmament. I did not want to be afraid; I could feel the panic building as the heavens no longer had the sparks that had filled them the night before. It was going to take more than one night to rid me of my fears¡­


    -


    It would be later that same week that I lay on the fainting couch in the living room, waiting. I had been waiting for hours¡­ The second to last day of the week had always been a family day. Father had missed this day before but that was because of politics and he always arrived and apologized. But not today. Where he should have at least come and told me why he had missed our day, he had not shown at all. It was possible that he had not come because of a meeting or other political things but I had a hard time thinking that it was not my fault. Maybe he did not want to spend time with a monster.


    Why did I like pain? Why had I cut myself, if I had not then I would not be in this situation. It was hard to keep the tears from running down my cheeks. It made me sniffle and soon I was having difficulty breathing once again. I had to calm myself down, so I watched the first snowfall of the year through the mage-glass window. Each individual flake floated to the ground before my eyes. I had not slept well the night before, still fitful in sleep which terrified me. But my body demanded rest and even as I fought it, sleep won. And I remained alone.


    When I opened my eyes, I saw what looked like a theater that I had seen in a book once. Rows of seats going downward toward the stage. Candles were lit along the stage¡¯s edging to give it light. As I moved down the aisle the audience started to appear in the seats just as I felt increased physical pressure on my skull. I watched as each person appeared in the chairs nearest to me even as I cradled my head. This pain was worse than when Drefan had pushed me back and I had hit my head on the wall. My attention was only half on my surroundings so it took me a moment to realize that each person was grey, with vacant eyes. Unmoving in their chairs. I shuddered and kept moving trying to ignore the still bodies that were on both sides of me. The dark red curtain pulled back on either side to show Emperor Robert Royale as grey as the audience.


    He did not look right. What did the grey skin mean? Those vacant eyes¡­Did that mean Robert was dead? Did that also mean that the people in the audience were dead? Would I look like that after I died? I shuddered and pulled my arms into myself running from the lifeless bodies that made up the audience to whatever play this was.


    Finding back stairs I climbed them telling myself not to look down at the stage. I huddled on the stone stairs behind the stage, not willing to look over the left side and see what was now going on down below as music began to play. I stayed where I was for a time, closing my eyes and re-opening them in hopes that I would wake up. But with no success at that, I crawled up the stairs and onto the first plank of wood that stood high above the stage. I could see now two regal figures dancing, but their hair was disheveled and their clothes were ripped. Spinning away from her partner, I could now see my mother¡¯s face in stark relief. She too was grey and lifeless. A sob came to my throat and I started to cry upon seeing that my father was her partner. Like puppets on strings, their movements were unnatural as they jerked about.


    I stood on the precarious plank of wood and looked for a way out of this place. No immediate exits were visible to me but I could make out a shadowy figure ahead. They too were watching what was happening on the stage.


    As I came closer I could only see an outline of a person surrounded by darkness. Blackness shifted over the body, flowing downwards and climbing back up. There was a face against that darkness that I could barely see for a singular moment before it was washed away. Its skin was ashen not unlike the bodies below us. Dark blue eyes were wide, staring downward.


    ¡°Drefan?¡± I called as that was the only person I knew well who had dark blue eyes.


    Upon saying the name, the face reformed, skin turning black as night with orange eyes.  I did not know who that could be except some sort of demon. I backed away even as tawny hands reached out to me. There! On the left hand¡¯s ring finger was the royal signet of Royale! It was Drefan! Now I surged forward, grabbing onto one of those hands, and pulled with all my might. But I could not separate Drefan from the murkiness even as I pulled and pulled, it was no good. That darkness wrapped around my own fingers and I let go, afraid that I would be pulled in.


    ¡°Drefan!¡± I called even as I backed away.


    I was not watching where I was going, walking backward on the planks of wood that made the upper level that hung above the stage. Unwilling to turn away from that gloom that was reaching out toward me. My foot slipped and I came down onto the right edge of the plank with one knee, my other leg falling off the wooden board. I tried to catch the wood with my hands but my elbow slammed down on the plank, going numb from the pain and I fell screaming toward the stage below.


    I woke with Nilec leaning over me, her hand on my knee. I took in gulping breaths that did not give me the oxygen I needed. Feeling that vice around my lungs pressing down on them I coughed hard and the blood wet my cloth mask. My step-sister stood, taking her hand off my knee.


    ¡°You¡­you saw something, didn¡¯t you?¡± Nilec¡¯s hands would cover her lips, eyes wide. ¡°I did not mean to, oh, Nathanael. What did you see?¡±


    I shook my head, lips quivering from what I had seen. I did not want to say any of it out loud.


    Nilec¡¯s hands squeeze in fists as she stands by my side before finally drawing me to her into an embrace.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I honestly did not mean for you to see anything.¡±


    Nodding, I burrowed into her embrace, staying quiet for a time, my heart beating wildly from how that dream had ended.


    After a time I opened my eyes and looked up into her pine-green eyes, ¡°They were all dead, weren¡¯t they? Grey and with eyes that didn¡¯t move or look at you.¡± I had to know.


    ¡°Aye, little brother, that is how the dead look.¡±


    My breath caught in my throat, swallowing as my eyes grew wet. I did not want to cry again, so I tried to control my emotions like Father wanted me to. Nilec rubbed my back while I fought against my tears.


    ¡°So they all die? Mother? Father? Thom?¡±


    I pulled back to look up at my sister, at the seer, wanting answers.


    Nilec closes her eyes with a sigh, ¡°Aye, all of them.¡±


    I hiccuped a sob, my hands grasping at her sweatered shoulders, ¡°Why?! Why are they going to die?¡±


    My sister¡¯s hands cradled my bare skull and her eyes once they opened were fogged. I watched distressed and yet mesmerized. When she next spoke, Nilec relayed to me, prophecy.


    "Lose what matters most to your heart, nearly lose the soul, and be repaired by one you once knew. Broken and battered you shall love again, and battle a battle no one else can fight. Take back the throne, love, and have a son. You shall lose all once more, two days after your twenty-first birthday. You shall die."


    I stared at my sister, her hands falling away to her lap. Her eyes slowly unfogged, coming back dulled green. There was silence then as I took in what she had said to me, as I tried to come to terms with what was going to happen to me. I would live to 21...but so much pain!


    ¡°The gods are often cruel little brother.¡±


    What right had I to fight this? I was of Reinn¡¯s line, blessed, but I was cursed too! I was dark; a monster like Drefan and I knew if things became worse I would lose everything just like Nilec said I would. She was never wrong, Wan¡¯an¡¯iena gave her those visions, and...At least, I lived till 21. I had not believed I would, I kept being told I would die before I was 12¡­


    So I stood, shaking my head vigorously, walking to my bedroom. There was always a small candle lit in the window, flickering in the breeze. I knelt there, head against the floorboards and I prayed.


    I prayed for forgiveness.


    I prayed for strength.


    And I wished, and I hoped¡­and I prayed...


    That I could learn not to be a monster anymore...

 Chapter 7

    Drefan


    A bo staff was thrust into my hands, ¡°You have been avoiding me.¡±


    I had been avoiding Saimaa so I did not have to explain how physically ill I was.


    ¡°I haven¡¯t been feeling the best,¡± I muttered, fingers clenching the wooden staff.


    She slipped her hand down to my elbow.


    Saimaa led me down the hall, and I did not resist. I refused to look at the BlackGuards standing at attention in the halls. We walked into a small room and she turned to me.


    ¡°How long have you been unwell?¡±


    ¡°A few weeks."


    ¡°Have you seen anyone?¡± she asks, her strong voice tinged with concern.


    ¡°Yes. I saw Lady Milistree.¡±


    ¡°You should tell your father, Drefan. He would not have such expectations if he knew.¡±


    She meant well, but there was no way in hell I was telling Robert that I was sick, he would just see it as further weakness on my part¡­


    ¡°You must get better, I missed our bouts.¡±


    I smiled at my father¡¯s second concubine, my feelings mixed as they always were. It never looked like Father treated Saimaa the same way he did my mother and me. Which was infuriating. Why was she above the yelling and the fists? Or did he simply not leave marks where they could be seen? Did he make her forget his outbursts like he did everyone else? It was hard to see this strong woman as a victim too.


    ¡°I do miss our bouts. I¡¯ll do what I can to rest more.¡±


    Saimaa nods and squeezes my elbow, ¡°You should still speak with him.¡±


    I wasn¡¯t getting out of this, was I? I could not afford to argue with her when that would get around to not only my father but the court. I had an image to uphold, however much I despised it, and the Vesiput code demanded you respect the women in your life.


    ¡°Fine. I¡¯ll go find him.¡±


    ¡°Thank you.¡±


    I bowed to her, arms across my chest respectfully before she would pull me in for a hug. I stiffened not expecting the affection. I would hug her back after a moment. Her fingers cradled my skull. Even my mother did not touch me like this any longer.


    She speaks close to my ear, ¡°Do not always act so alone, I am here for you.¡±


    ¡°Did you offer this to Thom too?¡± he needed the affection and the support far more than I did.


    ¡°Yes, of course. You both are family. Children of my heart.¡±


    I smiled, a little bitterly against her shoulder, head laying on the white dress that was of contrast to her darker skin.


    ¡°Thank you, Saimaa.¡±


    Saimaa pulls back now to arm¡¯s length, ¡°Go speak to your father. It is a sad day for him, for all of us. But it is better he knows you are ill than for you to continue in secret.¡±


    A sad day? My mind moved in slow motion trying to come up with the reasons for that. The opium had knocked the shit out of my ability to process things quickly. Someone¡¯s death, it had to be, but who¡¯s?


    Stepping back from me, Saimaa gestures to the window and I retreat there still feeling off at her readily given affection. Who was Father mourning today? He did not mourn Artegal, unlike my mother who stood vigil at my little brother¡¯s grave almost every day. Who did Robert care enough about to still grieve?


    The Mausoleum¡¯s central door was left open and two Black Guards stood at attention on either side of it. There was only one person who had the key to the Mausoleum and that was Father. Two aspen trees blazed with the colors of autumn, on either side of the stone building. In my mind¡¯s eye, I could see him standing inside, in his court attire with the crown. It had to be her. Lucine. Thom¡¯s mother, my father¡¯s wife, died in childbirth. Even my mother had loved that woman, who had been kind and a bright spot in the lives of those around her. She had never been mean to me.


    I had forgotten she had died today as we celebrate Thom''s date of birth a week later to make that day a celebration of life. Not to be overshadowed by Lucine''s death.


    Saimaa settled by my side at the window and I spoke, ¡°Does he need me giving him another headache today of all days?¡±


    ¡°Are you avoiding it?¡±


    Yes! ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°Then do it. Your spine is not so weak, is it?¡±


    Damn it.


    ¡°I¡¯ll go talk to him.¡±


    I turned and made for the door, adjusting my walking speed so that it did not seem as though I was attempting to retreat as fast as possible. My teeth ground as I came into the hallway, but I showed no outward reaction to where I was going. The dark portals allowed me to come and go from the palace at my leisure, which also allowed me to spend more time with my brother. But being here more often meant I had to put up with formal dinners, and informal meetings with my father. But so far, I had avoided giving him any further reason to beat me.


    I deferred to him and it chafed. I was nineteen! But I remained without the ability to kill him in such a manner that I would not be found as the culprit. I did not have the power or the skill.


    Downstairs and outdoors, I pushed the doors open and blinked painfully at the sunlight. Walking past ministers and their wives, I adopted the straight-backed bow of respect to each pair I passed. Accepting that same bow in return.


    Approaching the mausoleum, there were three entrances. The central door with wide rounded stairs leading to it was where Emperors, Empresses, and those of the First Blood interred. Two smaller doors were on either side, one for the Royal concubines and one for those of the Second Blood. Separated in death by their status as much as they had been in life.


    Swallowing, I walked inside, adjusting to the torchlight. Soon I was by his side, my hands digging into my pockets. My shoulders preemptively hunching. Looking at the label etched into the stone of the casket installed into the wall I read:


    Lucine Royale


    Endelrhew 18th, 3351 to Hrethsos 12th, 3376


    The lives of my parents are defined by the deaths of others. I don¡¯t want mine to be that way.


    After a while, my father said, ¡°What is it?¡±


    I was rattling my brain for any reason that I was speaking with him. The conversation had to last long enough that Saimaa would assume I had told him. Long enough that she would not later check and tell him herself¡­


    ¡°I offered to tutor the Camarian prince. Nathanael¡¯s father wanted a Reinnen priest to do it. I offered and Queen Elaina agreed.¡±


    My father hums and his hand falls onto my shoulder, ¡°Well done. We do not need the boy¡¯s mind taken by the church. If he is to co-rule Royale someday, it¡¯s best he understands it and has not been spoon-fed lies.¡±


    ¡°That was my thought¡­also.¡±


    ¡°Good. I expect you will be quite busy then between that and your responsibilities.¡± My apprenticeship and dignitary duties in Cama¡¯ra.


    ¡°Though I doubt it will be punishing to you being so busy you won''t be around as much, hmm?¡± a brow rises over dark blue eyes that look at me.


    I look back at him, at that smug smile on his face. Oh, he knew that I wanted to avoid any interactions between the two of us. It wasn¡¯t like I was subtle about it.


    ¡°Not in the least.¡±


    Robert humphs and turns back to Lucina¡¯s tomb, ¡°Make sure you make time for your brother, he doesn¡¯t understand why you are so damn cold.¡±


    Teeth grinding I stare at the far stone wall.


    ¡°It¡¯s not like you to have nothing to say,¡± my father goads


    I look back at him, ¡°And what am I supposed to say besides, of course?¡±


    A shrug of a black-coated shoulder, ¡°I don¡¯t honestly care. But you should know,¡± those eyes are back on me. ¡°I¡¯m not blind, nor am I dull-witted. Something changed after you came back from the deserts. I will find out what you are hiding from me, Drefan.¡±


    A chill fell down my spine and I swallowed. Fuck, did I cut my losses and tell him? He had never had any respect for me anyway. Thom already knew, so were there ways that Robert could use the information of my addiction and coming death against me? Would he find out about Yeshe? Or would he go after Avan or Suinia? Shit.


    I bluffed. ¡°You can try.¡±


    Robert laughs with a dark humorless sound.


    ¡°Now that¡¯s what I was expecting to hear.¡±


    My father partially turned toward me and I could feel the eyes that wracked my frame. The desire that I never wanted to be honed on me. His fingers tenderly swept the hair out of my face and I kept perfectly still. My stomach churned. I was internally screaming. I would rather he use his fists on me than show any form of tenderness. Any gentleness from him was just a lie.


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    Unexpectedly he pulls me in for an embrace and he whispers against my ear, ¡°Stay at the cabin tonight, it''s been too long since we have spent an evening together.¡±


    I swallowed as I nodded, feeling ill. Unable to say no, I was afraid he would go after Thom instead. I stayed perfectly still in the fold of my father¡¯s arms. No one could make me feel as powerless as he could.


    Robert pulls back and gestured with his chin toward the mausoleum''s entrance and knew I had been dismissed. I took that opportunity to retreat. By Nanqa I was going to be sick.


    There was no escaping it, he would figure out that I was dying this evening. He would feel the makeup on my skin. But I had to keep secret who had helped me home. No matter what. Not only for Suina and Yeshe but for Thom. What would Robert think of my brother¡¯s rescue plan? I shuddered at the thought of how Robert would react to that. I had promised myself I would protect my brother and I would, again. No matter what.


    -


    I was desperate to forget that voice in the darkness and questing fingers. Of the night before. I pulled Avan closer and my friend was pliant. He rarely asked me why I showed such desperation when the two of us were alone. He followed my lead, his thumbs stroking downwards from just below my eyes as I kissed him. He tasted of tobacco which I did not care for but it marked Avan as different, not like my father. For that, I put up with the strong and offensive flavor.


    ¡°You are crying,¡± he states, dark blonde brows furrowing and he wipes away my tears.


    ¡°It¡¯s nothing.¡±


    One of his brows rose at my shrugging off of my sadness but he said nothing more about it.  This was why the two of us were such close friends. He cared, but he would never push. For that I was grateful.


    I dragged him and rolled so he was lying under me on the inn bed. It was autumn and Avan¡¯s family had returned to the capital, Tuima to sell the remains of their harvest. It was during this time a couple of years ago that I had met him in a tavern, up to his ears in a bar fight that he was not likely to win. Too small and on his own against multiple opponents. I had helped him out of the situation by taking up the fight, back to back.


    My face dried from wayward tears, Avan frees my mousey-brown hair from its tie and lets it fall about my face.


    Avan smiles, ¡°There is a girl, a member of Mistress Suinia¡¯s clan, Urmia. She has given me the morning glory flower.¡± My chest feels tight.


    I knew what that meant. The giving of a Blue Morning Glory. It was the way the women of the Haruzan showed romantic interest in a man.


    I smiled through my tears and I could not know if it was a convincing one. Avan wasn¡¯t mine, he never had been. It had been nice to pretend. But I had always known that he would find a partner or two among his people. The Haruzan did not practice monogamy, and their lines were down the women¡¯s side. It allowed a woman to father a child with anyone that she wanted to, a freedom that was a rarity. I knew the women of my father¡¯s people, the Barazon did not have that freedom.


    ¡°It is well deserved,¡± I reiterated.


    My smile must not have been that convincing, as Avan kisses me again and wraps his arms around me.


    ¡°You are happy for me, but I want the chance to be happy for you too.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s going to be a while for me yet. I still have things I need to do first before I court anyone and I¡¯m not having children.¡±


    Avan shakes his head but he does not argue with me. For this, I give him another kiss. It was difficult to explain my aversion to the idea of children without talking about my father. But was what troubled Robert a matter of the blood? Would I be the same as my father? I wasn¡¯t going to let that happen. It was for the best that I never had any children to find out.


    Distracting me from my dark thoughts, Avan runs his hands up and under my shirt, caressing the skin there. I leaned down to give him a long kiss, appreciating the distraction. Yes, this evening I would show my gratitude for his friendship in every way I knew how. So I could forget about my life outside these Inn walls. I would spend this time with my only friend.


    The next morning I arrived back at the palace, situating myself so I could catch Thom before his lessons. Seeing me there, leaning my shoulder against the wall Thom smiles and he comes to me without me saying a word.


    I allow myself to smile at him, working to make the thing pleasant and not filled with bitterness. I hoped I succeeded.


    ¡°Tonight, how about we play dice?¡±


    ¡°Sure!¡±


    Thom would move on the spot, unsure of himself before he steps right up to me. He wraps his arms around my shoulders which pulled me down somewhat from our height difference. I wrapped a singular arm about his waist and gave a few pats on his back. Even with him, I was awkward, but by Nanqa I tried not to show it. Father had been right, Thom wouldn¡¯t understand why I was so bitter and withdrawn. Better I never let him see that side of me.


    Jumping back he waves goodbye to me before he takes off so he is not late for his history lesson. Watching him go I deeply sigh as I make my way back down the winding staircase. That itch in my chest caused me to stop multiple times. Catching my labored breath I took less used hallways and ducked through the servants'' entrance. I make plans to get lost in the city that afternoon.


    It was difficult to relax in the palace, to let my guard down. It was somewhat easier among the common, but even then everyone knew what I was. They may not have known who I was, but the black and silver cloth I wore denoted me as a prince. Through the black iron-wrought gates and into the city proper. I had to return the straight-backed bow that those who greeted me gave as it was our custom. I heard the murmurs of, ¡®your highness,¡¯ and I felt boxed in by the crowds and had to concentrate on the stone beneath my feet.


    I had never been great with crowds and that had been before the opium had tapped at an already existing unease. Now I wished to avoid them enough that I left the main roads of the city and ventured into the alleyways. I watched the signage around me only half-interested until I looked through a particular shop window. It was stuffed with various nicknacks, but what interested me were the different minerals and crystals on display. I was going toward the door as soon as I spotted a rather large black diamond.


    The door chimed as I entered, the dust heavy in the air. I acknowledged the shop owner with the traditional bow and I was veering toward that particular shelf before he had finished his returned bow. Picking up the diamond I examined it for any chips, wondering if it had been cut specifically to hide its natural flaws. But I did not know crystals well enough to find those.


    ¡°Ahh, a black diamond, not many gravitate toward that particular beauty.¡±


    I stiffened considerably as the male was in my personal space, not far behind me.


    He spoke again, ¡°Do you have a particular use for the diamond?¡±


    I half turned, giving the shop owner a deadpan look, curling my hand around the diamond.


    ¡°How much does it cost?¡±


    Tapping his chin with long fingernails the other male considered what to price it.


    ¡°20 gold pieces.¡±


    Fishing out the gold from my coin purse I pushed the coins into his hands and shifted away and around him. Regaining my personal space I would throw a thank you over my shoulder before I was out the door. I pocketed the black diamond and shuddered. Being a prince, even one of the second blood, meant that I had to show respect to every and all. Even if I was never in line for the throne. The Vesiput code spoke of required respect, and Royalian tradition demanded it. Otherwise, it was likely I would have elbowed that shop owner in the gut for daring to be so damn close to me.


    However, the black diamond was worth the discomfort. Black diamonds were not common, especially the size of my thumb. The larger, the more powerful the necrotic arts. The diamonds were known to be one of the best vessels for the transference of the soul. With my plans to sever my soul from my body, I would require something to put my soul into until I decided upon a phylactery. This would do nicely.


    Retracing my steps back through the alleyways, I came to the main roads and searched for a tavern. I had several hours to waste until Thom was free to spend time with me. But I refused to spend the next couple of hours in the palace. Instead, I stepped into a tavern at midday where some were getting their luncheon and others were already deep in their cups. I settled at the bar and ordered a tankard of that day¡¯s mead, staring off at the nearby plaster wall. Not long into my drink, music starts and I divert my attention, welcoming the bard¡¯s talent. Here I would wait out the day enjoying the atmosphere.


    That evening I returned to the palace after dinner, having eaten at the tavern. Avoiding awkward and unwanted conversations at the dinner table was common enough for me. As even before the year in the north I only held back my public hatred of our father because of my brother. Thom did not understand, and hopefully, he never would. To my brother, we were not an abused family. It was not only Robert who fed that fantasy. We both kept Thom from the truth, father by illusions, and me by my lies.


    I waited by the door to Thom¡¯s room ignoring the many Black Guards stationed along the walls. I only moved when he stepped out of the stairwell and unlocked the door to his chambers. Shrugging my hair back from my shoulders I slipped inside his room. Little had changed here, as Thom still studied for the Merit Exams having little time for anything else.


    But that evening he had made time for me, and he pulled out a small wooden board from below his desk and passed it to me. Finding his dice on another shelf we settled onto his bed, with the board laid between us. Shaking the dice, Thom pitched them onto the board, keeping two and rerolling the third. Content now with his numbers, I was passed the dice.


    ¡°I will be tutoring Nathanael in his letters and numbers a few evenings a week now.¡±


    ¡°Oh! That¡¯s good, we will see more of each other that way, right?¡±


    ¡°I hope so. You can keep me updated on your progress that way and I can give you a few breaks from your studies.¡±


    I tossed the dice onto the board, keeping all three. I passed them back to Thom giving him another chance to roll the dice.


    ¡°I cannot wait until spring comes, and I will be done with the exam. Just a few more months now.¡±


    Keeping two dice, Thom threw the other onto the board, groaning after his numbers were lower than mine. One point to me.


    ¡°You will be fine, you have studied hard for the Merit Exam.¡±


    ¡°But what happens if I fail?¡±


    I shook my head as I threw the dice onto the small board, ¡°Nothing. You are still heir, which makes the test more of a formality than anything.¡±


    Keeping one dice, I rerolled two. I then passed the dice to Thom again.


    He keeps the dice in hand when he next speaks, looking into my eyes, ¡°But father excelled at the Merit Exam. I cannot do any less than the same.¡±


    ¡°That is putting a lot of pressure on your shoulders.¡±


    Throwing the dice down, Thom sighs, ¡°I know but it''s not enough to just be the heir. I want to be a suitable Emperor to Royale. That means I will know all of its laws and traditions.¡±


    ¡°Which is why you are studying so hard. You will know all of it.¡±


    I reached over and ruffled his deep red hair as Thom rerolled all three dice. He smiles as his number is larger than mine and passes me the dice. One point for Thom.


    ¡°I wish I had your faith in me,¡± Thom mumbles and I put our playing on pause by moving his bangs out of his eyes so I could look at those dark green eyes of his.


    ¡°I wish you did too, Thom. You are taking the exam seriously and studying non-stop. I am sure you will excel at it, just like Father did.¡±


    I hated that he would compare himself to Robert, but he had no reason not to. Neither of us, Robert or I, would allow Thom to know just how depraved Robert really was.


    ¡°What about your studies?¡± Thom asks as I toss the dice onto the board.


    ¡°They are going well, I have learned several ways to control the darkness. To hide myself, and to travel.¡±


    I pass the dice to Thom who rolls and smiles at me as his number is larger than mine. Another point to Thom.


    Thom speaks up, ¡°So you can travel anywhere?¡±


    ¡°I would not use the darkness to travel in Camar¡¯a, too much superstition about darkness and light. But as long as I can picture the place I wish to travel to, I have been able to use the darkness to travel there. Which means I must know what the place looks like first.¡±


    Shaking the dice I drop them onto the board, keeping my three numbers. I hand them to Thom.


    ¡°Could you use a description or a painting?¡±


    ¡°I do not see why not, the painting would be more helpful though.¡±


    Tossing the dice Thom kept one and rerolled two. Still, my number was larger, another point for me. I was passed the dice again. Letting them fall from my fingertips onto the board, I kept one and rerolled two.


    Passing them over, Thom lets his dice fall onto the board, ¡°I hope we have more time together after we are done with our studies¡­ I miss this.¡± He is not looking at me but down at the board, his red hair falling over his eyes again.


    ¡°I hope so too,¡± I reassure him, and putting down the dice I sweep shaggy hair from Thom¡¯s face. ¡°I will always want to spend more time with you, Thom. You don¡¯t ever have to doubt that.¡±


    Thom smiles at me looking me in the face before he looks away sheepishly and I lean over the board, pressing my lips against his forehead. He was the only thing in this world that I really, truly loved and I wanted him to know that.


    Embarrassed Thom punched my arm after the kiss and I started laughing. That only earned me another hard punch in the shoulder. He wasn¡¯t a little boy anymore but an adolescent who was too flustered at my show of affection. I had to remember he was getting older.


    I picked up the dice and threw them down, keeping my three numbers before Thom shook his and let them drop. Ah!


    ¡°Last point goes to me.¡±


    Unconcerned at his loss, Thom smiles at me again and somehow I wish I could bottle up that smile and keep it in my pocket forever. That purity of emotion. That happiness. Maybe then I wouldn¡¯t be such a bitter bastard. Hah.

 Chapter 8

    Nathanael


    Again I was waiting. So hopeful that this time Father would come. He missed just as many family days as he was present for them, now. But I did not want to give up hope as all I wanted was to spend time with my parents. So Nilec found me crying in my room tired of the waiting. Nilec came to me and without a word, she took my hand and brought me to the kitchen. Set on the table were plates of pancakes and I looked up at her as pancakes were what Father and I ate on this special day. I hiccuped a sob and Nilec gave a small smile.


    ¡°I remember sitting all together at the table eating pancakes when you were little, before the fevers. I¡¯m not very good at cooking but I found the recipe they had always used and tried it. So how about the two of us spend time together today?¡±


    My heart still hurt but I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip. I wanted to forget that my Father had not come. We settled at the table and ate pancakes together. Nilec said that we would play dress up after breakfast.


    ¡°Dress Up?¡±


    ¡°Yes, so I can keep your mind on happier things and I know Elaina won''t mind.¡±


    We finished our food and Nilec led me up the stairs to my parent''s room which I had not been back to since that fateful night that Father had called me a Monster. Nilec walks to the closet and takes out one of my mother¡¯s gowns.


    ¡°As long as we do not get her makeup and perfume everywhere I don¡¯t think she will mind.¡±


    ¡°You won''t tell her?¡±They already saw something wrong with me, I didn¡¯t want them mad at me even more.


    ¡°No, I won''t. Go on.¡±


    The dress was blue with crystal sparks like stars on the bosom. My step-sister would help me into it and she pulled the back laces tight so it wasn¡¯t quite so loose. I was only 9 so it didn¡¯t fit very well but I didn¡¯t care. She helped me hold up the train so I could twirl in front of the mirror, giggling.


    Nilec smiled and she would pick up the kohl from my mother¡¯s vanity, ¡°Alright, stand still,¡± before she applied it around my eyes. I looked back into the mirror and blinked a few times. I liked this too; it made my ice-blue eyes stand out.


    I looked at Nilec, ¡°I really wish I had hair Nilly. Girls all have nice long hair, I want that too.¡±


    ¡°I will talk to Peter and Elaina, your birthday is coming. Maybe we can find something for you,¡± she leans and kisses my bald head.


    Oh! Maybe something like a wig? I smiled gratefully, anything was better than being bald.


    ¡°You are lucky Nilly, you can change. Become a boy if you want to or switch back to a girl.¡±


    Ellearn could shift between the two sexes almost effortlessly. But I was not a full Ellearn so I could not do that. I wished that I could wear girls'' clothes and makeup all the time.


    Nilec hugs me, ¡°The Lady of Compassion blessed you when you were little and said they would help you when you wanted to have children with Thom when you are older. So you will get to switch at some point.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s true but that¡¯s not all the time. I¡¯d like that.¡±


    Was it strange of me to want to be a girl? I didn¡¯t know, but it was something I often thought about. But the thoughts made me sad because there was nothing I could do about it and it was something else my parents may not like about me


    Nilec could feel my sadness and she pulled back, ¡°I think we should get away for a little while tomorrow. I have someone I want you to meet.¡±


    ¡°Where would we go?¡± and what about the sky?


    ¡°The Fae forest, and don¡¯t worry I have a parasol we can use to keep you safe from the sky. You won''t see it that way.¡±


    I didn¡¯t know very much about the Fae forest but it sounded fun, to get away from the cabin for a while. Excited, I nod and dance a little in my mother''s dress. My lungs were beginning to burn which meant I had to slow down. I leaned my head against Nilec¡¯s arm and she gently patted my back.


    ¡°For now let¡¯s make sure we keep everything nice for Elaina, then we can try on another dress or two, alright?¡±


    I nodded absently, concentrating on my breathing. This moment would pass; I just had to breathe through it. In and out, no coughing.


    As the vice around my lungs began to lift, Nilec advised, ¡°Hmm on second thought maybe you should rest for now. We can play more tomorrow. I know you don¡¯t like to sleep but your body needs it.¡±


    Nilec pulls back the covers on my parent¡¯s bed, undoing the corset laces and helping me out of the gown. Reluctantly I climbed into my parents¡¯ bed and she pulled up the covers. It took me a while to fall asleep as I waited for Father to come home and tell me he had lost track of time. Or that he had been busy and he would apologize to me. But I eventually fell into dreams still alone in the great big bed, feeling forgotten.


    That night I stayed up late, as late as Nilec would allow. Even now knowing my destiny of dying at 21 I was still against sleeping. The fear of the darkness that came as you closed your eyes was always with me. I clung to her side all evening.


    My Step-sister sighs and turns to face me, ¡°I could say you will have to sleep eventually, but that is not going to help. Instead, let me teach you to meditate. At least doing this will allow your body to get some rest.¡±


    Meditate?


    I tilted my head at Nilec and she smiled, taking my hand, ¡°Come, come, I will teach you.¡±


    We walked to my bedroom and she told me to get ready as if I was going to sleep. So I changed into my sleeping gown and laid down. Nilec tucks me in and settles on the side of the bed.


    ¡°Now, first concentrate on your feet, and do so until you can no longer feel them,¡± Nilec goes quiet after this for a time before speaking again.


    ¡°Then concentrate on your legs. You will do the same for your chest and your arms. So all that is left is your head.¡±


    I furrowed my eyebrows, concentrating on various body parts so that I couldn¡¯t feel them anymore. It was an odd feeling, almost like I was floating away from my body.


    Nilec brushes hair from my face, and her voice is quiet and sad, ¡°And now, you are going to visualize a field of wildflowers and two great white towers in the distance. You can feel the grass under your feet and you trail your fingers through the flowers. You can hear the flap of wings not too far away.¡±


    I did not understand why Nilec was sad, yet I did as she told me to. I slowly closed my eyes, accepting the darkness reluctantly. But I did as Nilec said, trying to see the flowers in the grass that she mentioned. The towers in the distance. While also not looking up at the bright jade sky looming above me. Slowly I began to feel the grass beneath my feet, wiggling my toes, and the flowers that I could touch, that I could pick. Taking two stems I brought them to my nose to smell. Without realizing it I was outside of my body. Where was I?


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    I looked around for Nilec and found that I was alone in this never-ending field of flowers. I dropped into a crouch with my hands covering my face to hide from the sky above. My breathing quickened as panic took hold of me. I cowered there, shaking, my heart fast and my breathing labored. Then there was the flap of wings just as Nilec had described to me. These wings were large enough that they blew the flowers back and forth. I fearfully opened an eye and looked up between my fingers.


    There hovering above me was a Telemnar, a High Guardian, also called an Archangel. I stared at his white wings and blue robes fascinated and terrified. He was attempting to shield me from the sky with his gigantic wings!


    "Greetings little one."


    I swallowed and nodded, "Greetings. What¡­what do I call you?"


    "Just my name. Grapheal."


    "Grapheal. This is-is the realm of light?"


    "Aye, it is."


    The realm of light is called Alasse Cire. Where the gods lived. Where Reinn Anon trained his angels to fight demons and protect mankind from Nanqa''s darkness. I was still good enough, pure enough to come here? It was a reassurance that I needed after my father called and treated me like a monster.


    "Little one, I already know your name and who you are. I am here to offer you my protection. To become your guardian angel."


    "Me?"


    A deep laugh left Grapheal, "Yes, you."


    All I wanted was to hug him but that would be inappropriate to hug an archangel. Instead, I smiled with glee. Graphical set his large hand on my shoulder.


    "You can come here whenever you meditate. This is a safe place for you, Nathanael."


    "Thank you Grapheal. I will come here when I cannot sleep."


    "I look forward to your visits, little one. Now lay back in the grasses, and think of your home. What your room looks like. Your thoughts will bring you home."


    I laid back, closing my eyes to the green sky. Thinking of my room, my toys, and my bed. The blankets around me and Nilec nearby. When I next opened my eyes Nilec was there brushing her fingers through my hair and staring far away.


    "Nilly?"


    She blinked and looked down at me, her fingers still now and she removed them from my hair.


    "Did you see the towers?" I did not understand the tone of her voice.


    "Aye, I did, and an angel."


    A soft laugh, "Lucky boy. He will protect you as much as you allow him to."


    As much as I allowed him to? I didn''t understand.


    Nilec shook her head, "Don''t mind what I said. This will allow you to have a place to go when you cannot sleep or you are upset and alone."


    "A safe place," I repeated Grapheal.


    "Aye. Do you think you can sleep now with him watching over you?"


    I was still reluctant but I nodded. It did feel better to have an Archangel watching over me.


    "I will still stay until you fall asleep. How about that?"


    I enthusiastically nod and take a deep breath before I close my eyes. I fall asleep to the sound of Nilec''s voice singing a soft song.


    The next day I held on tight to Nilec¡¯s tunic as the winds whipped around us. I pressed my face against her stomach, able to feel just how skinny my step-sister had become. Too skinny. I whimpered against her, fingers grasping at cloth as Nilec transported us both through the winds. I did not realize we were somewhere else, not until the winds died down enough that I could look around.


    Just as I could make out the endless sky above me Nilec unfurled the parasol and handed it to me so I could hide beneath the beige cover. We stood not too far from a forest, but it was unlike any forest I had seen before. This one appeared to be in a perpetual state of autumn, with trees crowned with leaves, the colors of fall. Yellow, orange, red, and mixed amongst them was pink. These trees were old and large, towering above us even from a distance.


    As we came closer I could feel something odd, and soon I could see a magical shield that encased the forest and came down into the ground not far ahead of us. We stopped and I looked around as all I could see behind me were farm fields of wheat. I turned and put out my fingers to touch the translucent ward. It was firm under my hand.


    ¡°Who are you?¡± called a voice from within the forest. A figure flew out, translucent, shimmering, light blue wings keeping them hovering above the ground. Their skin was a pale blue, and their eyes bright blue. They wore only a grey sarung to cover their bottom half to their knees, and I could see various lifted white marks on their torso. The Fae held a wooden bow trained on us.


    My step-sister spoke up, ¡°I am Princess Nilec Quele of the Camarian Empire, and this is Prince Nathanael Peter Quele Royale of the Camarian Empire.¡±


    The Ice Fae shook his head, ¡°Let me see your insignia.¡±


    Nilec held up my right hand and held her right hand out as well so the Fae could see the lily before the crown on both of our gold rings. The Fae nods and he lowers his bow before putting the arrow back into his quarrel. Opening the translucent shield in front of us both he beckons for us to follow him. I excitedly do so, being the first through the opening, Nilec coming up behind.


    As we walk through the trees I can¡¯t seem to focus on any one thing, looking all around me. These ancient trees had white bark and thick trunks. I could see mushrooms growing off the sides of the trees, and as we walked further into the forest, both the tree trunks and mushrooms gained size. Soon we passed through bush and foliage and emerged to a rope bridge of wooden planks across a break in the land. Looking down I felt myself grow dizzy and my breath became shallow. Lightheaded, I pulled back from the edge.


    With a snow-white facade, the castle was large and spacious, with two turrets and two towers at the back sides of the building. The windows were large and glass-filled. As we walked closer I noted there were portions made entirely from glass, held together by fine, intricate metal. It was more glass than I had ever seen before.


    Walking inside, A Fire Fae greeted us in the castle. Dark tanned skin with deep red hair streaked with orange. He had orange eyes and orange and yellow translucent wings.


    ¡°Welcome to the newest Camarian heir,¡± the Fae gives a graceful, deep bow, ¡°I am King Faelos Felinor Paurrisa of the Fae. Please, come into my home.¡±


    Nilec took my hand and we stepped further into the throne room.


    ¡°It is good to meet you, young prince, though I cannot imagine their majesties giving consent to just the two of you to visit.¡±


    Nilec squeezes my hand before she speaks, a little sheepishly, ¡°No, it is just the two of us. I wanted him to see more of the world, Your Majesty. Even though he is ill, he should experience all that life has to give.¡±


    ¡°Ahh, I see. You are right that he should see more of the world. I will show you ours,¡± gesturing for us to follow him, we walked down snow-white halls bare of tapestries or rugs. We came out into a glass outdoor room, with tables and chairs.


    ¡°Come into our gardens.¡±


    Opening the glass door, the Fae King stepped through into the wild garden. The flowers grew as they would, only pruned back from the walkway. Otherwise, they could grow unchecked. Red carnations and pink peonies, orange begonias, and yellow daisies, compliment the great autumn-colored trees that hung over us.


    ¡°It¡¯s so beautiful!¡± I exclaimed and skipped down the garden path.


    I heard Nilec and Faelos talking but I wasn¡¯t interested, I was too enthralled by the flowers and the trees. I knelt to smell certain flowers and a few of them made me sneeze. Looking back I saw that they were following but at a slow pace.


    ¡°Nilly!¡± I called back and I saw them step up their pace toward me.


    ¡°These orange flowers, they have spots. What are they called?¡±


    ¡°Tiger lilies,¡± Nilec answers me, settling a hand on my shoulder, ¡°Why?¡±


    I look back to King Faelos, ¡°They seem like a flower you would like, your Majesty.¡±


    King Faelos chuckles, ¡°They are, young prince.¡±


    As I straighten up Nilec¡¯s hand remains on my left shoulder.


    ¡°King Faelos has assured me that you are welcome here whenever you want or need to come here. Our families have an old agreement.¡±


    Faelos nods, ¡°We are a vassal to your empire, young Prince. We serve, with hope one day to be freed.¡±


    ¡°I see,¡± I did not fully understand as I had not been introduced to the politics of the empire. Not yet.


    Nilec clasps my shoulder, ¡°But that does not matter. What matters is that King Faelos is loyal and will assist you and give you sanctuary.¡±


    Sanctuary? Would I need sanctuary?


    ¡°My future?¡± I asked Nilec who gave me that same sad smile she always seems to have when talking about the future. It was the only answer I would receive from her.


    I made a face at her, willful and frustrated.


    She shakes her head while gently tweaking my nose and asks, ¡°Can we go into the village, King Faelos?¡±


    ¡°Yes. However, my people are not used to outsiders any longer so I will accompany you.¡±


    King Faelos came with us, leaving the tall white castle and flying into the village proper. Many of the houses and buildings were on the many mushrooms that grew out of the ancient trees. This would create layers of the settlement that only those with wings could hope to reach.


    We explored where we could, buying some pastries from the bakery and asking King Faelos questions about the Fae. The both of us made the most of that afternoon, only going back to the cabin when the red sun began to set in the evening sky. It was an afternoon I was unlikely to forget.

 Chapter 9

    Drefan


    Winter of 3390


    We usually had tea in the city¡¯s Ellearn district. But the cold of the coming winter was a deterrent for Lord Riq¡¯ua so we stayed at Illander Castle. Although we discussed nothing that personal, the Ellearn Lord still insisted on privacy, and I was grateful for it. With the way most Camarians acted around or toward me, I preferred not to add to the rumor mills.


    Seated in one of the sitting rooms, I told Riq¡¯ua the old stories. The Royalian myths and legends that I had been told in my youth. The founding of the Royalian Empire by Emperor Hozan. The conquering of the nearby kingdoms. Riq¡¯ua kept surprising me, murmuring that he had been alive at that time, which was at least three thousand years ago.


    ¡°But as an Ellearn Lord on the High Council, we paid little attention to the outside world and the human powers that existed then. Although I am no longer a constant member of the High Council, I have seen that they still pay little attention to human politics and the empires outside their borders.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t wish to assume its arrogance on the side of the Ellearns¡­¡±


    A sharp laugh, ¡°Oh your assumptions would be correct, your highness. The belief that we outlive everything has caused my people to become self-important and withdrawn from the world.¡±


    ¡°But you made the choice not to do that? Is that why you¡¯re in Camar¡¯a?¡±


    ¡°I am the Ellearn advisor to the High King and Queen who both have the blood of my kinsmen flowing through their veins. I still serve my people by assisting this Empire.¡±


    ¡°I wonder if your people see it that way.¡±


    ¡°Some do. But it has been many years since I last cared about what others thought of my actions. I do what I consider to be right and honorable. In that we are similar, adhering to a code of honor.¡±


    This intrigued me, how different were these codes of honor?


    ¡°Who is your honor dedicated to?¡±


    ¡°Queen Sila Vor, Lady of the Ellearn, Love, Stars, and Loyalty. I imagine the two codes are quite different from each other based on yours being dedicated to Lord Nanqa.¡±


    ¡°Yes, ours is said to be severe, but it is what I have known since birth so it is normal to me. But Camarians see ours as scornful.¡±


    ¡°It is what they do not understand that they scorn. Most times it is a reaction born out of fear. But those fears are what have caused wars between the two empires. Camar¡¯a cannot afford to give in to those fear responses any longer.¡±


    ¡°All I want for Royale is peaceful times. Few generations have seen such a thing in my homeland.¡±


    ¡°An admirable occupation, peace. It always seems just outside of our reach but so far in King Peter¡¯s lifetime, there has been a cessation of fighting. I remember when you first came to the Camarian court, an adolescent, wanting a continued truce between the empires. Very bold of both you and your Father to send you here.¡±


    My Father cared little for my safety, prince of the second blood. As long as my father had Thom to be heir, what happened to me was of little consequence.


    ¡°Well it worked out in the end, and here we are with a tentative alliance between the empires.¡±


    ¡°Which I heard you also had a hand in?¡±


    ¡°Ah, yes. King Peter and Queen Elaina were far more willing to listen to a child than an adult and I brought up the idea of marriage between the princes. We brokered an agreement and the alliance was born. But it has several stipulations so although things may look rosy, there is still some fear and misunderstanding.¡±


    ¡°Still what you did was quite remarkable and has allowed millions of people to live quiet and calm lives. It''s admirable.¡±


    Not used to praise outside of perhaps Mother and Thom I just knew I was blushing. It felt nice to have someone speak so highly of me and the work I had done. It allowed my constantly battered pride to pick itself up off the ground, if momentarily.


    ¡°Thank you, Milord.¡±


    ¡°You''re welcome. Would you like to have dinner later this week? At your discretion of course.¡±


    ¡°You are constantly paying for meals and tea. I will go with you, but this time I will pay for the meal!¡±


    Laughing Riq¡¯ua bows his head,¡± Alright, and you may choose the eatery then.¡±


    Smiling at the Ellearn¡¯s laughter, ¡°There is a meadery in the city, The Waiting Stars Tavern, it has a very good lamb dish.¡±


    ¡°Then we will meet there.¡±


    In agreement on where our next meeting would take place, I bowed to Lord Riq¡¯ua. Then I took my leave and headed for the library.


    I had plans to find a tavern in the Camarian capital and order myself some mead. Dressed in a woolen cloak and mitts, I was heading for the main exit of the Illander castle when I saw him. A face I remembered and never wanted to see again, I sped up my walk, leaving the royal library with the book in hand for Duagovantril. But I could not move fast enough to escape him and I found myself cornered.


    It¡¯s as if I am used to being cornered. Used to listening to filth pour off other''s tongues and simply keeping my silence.


    ¡°Where have you been?¡± Travian says as if we were once friends.


    I cough the laugh away. But that builds up further coughing.


    Moving me like a doll, I am ashamed I am letting him lead me out of the corner, draping his arm over my tense shoulders.


    ¡°That new diplomat was no fun, not in comparison to you, Deadlover.¡±


    I can see his friends waiting and like every other time, I know I will be the brunt of jokes for the evening unless I can find an excuse at some point to leave. I am frantically wracking my mind but I do not have an excuse and I feel myself grow dead inside. Here we go again.


    Craving the companionship, in the past I went with his circle to the pubs and the city festivals.  I did not understand what he gained from any of it. I could see his barely veiled disgust of me. As if I was some kind of lesser being on display for him and his to watch with curiosity and revulsion.


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    There were various names for my people that I never heard straight from someone¡¯s lips. They were always spoken from within a group so you could never nail down who exactly said it.


    This time it came from within the crowded pub as Travian told the tavern owner that they needed a dark drink for their Royalian friend.


    ¡°It¡¯s a Corpse Scum.¡±


    I had to keep my silence even as everyone laughed at those words, ridiculing me as we all sat at a table together. Burying the anger deep down, I would smile. My arms itched, and I pressed short nails into my palms as hard as I could for any sense of relief.


    My ethnic identity was now out in the open, making the barmaid stand on the other side of the table, asking me last what I wanted. She purposefully avoided me, even stretching from the opposite side of the table to deliver me my drink. I did not order food, who knew what would be done to it? Regardless I thanked her and sipped at my mead, appearing half-bored with what was going on around me.


    Travian laughs again at how she had been so leery of me, and unwilling to accidentally touch me, speaking of how ¡°you''re like some kind of disease.¡±


    Was it too soon to wish them all dead?


    The disease comment seems to bolster one of the others, a friend of his, ¡°You look like Death¡¯s Head Upon a Mop-Stick. What did you do to yourself Royalian?¡±


    As if all of them did not know! I grit my teeth not willing to admit that I fell into an addiction that they had started me upon. The opium was their idea and it had been so good for long enough that it pulled me under.


    He fishes out his small bag filled with opium. It feels like everything is in slow motion as I watch him sprinkle the opium into his flagon. I itch for it.


    The dust is stirred into the flagon full of mead disappearing as if it was not there. But I knew it was there. I ached for it. The bag is then waved in my direction, a smile coming to the bastard¡¯s face.


    ¡°Come on, taste some.¡±


    My brother¡¯s face flits across my mind, and my hands are gripping my thighs so tightly it¡¯s as if my life depended on me cutting off circulation. I jerked upright and spoke my pardons as I fought against the want for opium on the way to the privy. I had little in the way of food in me, only tea and a few pastries from my meeting with Lord Riq¡¯ua. But that all came up as I hung my head over the hole. I wanted the dust bad enough that I was shaking from the need. To have it right in front of me like that after the detox I had dealt with was excruciating, tortuous even. To be numb again...


    No.


    I stayed there, kneeling over the privy, losing what was left of my guts. When I finally could stand, I wavered and leaned against the wall. Huffing for a moment I contemplated trying to escape through one of the back doors that this hallway connected with. Opening the door, I was not expecting one of Travain¡¯s men standing there, waiting for me. The nameless goon laughed about my inability to hold my liquor, slapping me on the back while I begrudgingly walked with him back into the main room of the tavern.


    Travian¡¯s insistence reminds me of the beginning, sitting beside him during council meetings. He used to rub his leg against mine with that inane grin on his face. It reminded me of when he pushed me with the opium, crushed and cupped in his hand under the table. How I wish I could go back and just say no.


    My presence in the bar must have been still going around as city guards entered and took a seat at the bar. They must have liked my being there even less than the rest of the people, as I heard one speak to the other guard beside him, ¡°A baby murderer is in here.¡±


    The murder of infants was an old slur against my people that Camarians threw at us because of a single tradition they did not understand. They acted as though we sacrificed every newborn. It was only the royal family who gave their first child back to the darkness, returning the soul to the Amartharine River below. In the case of my generation, it had been my elder brother Artegal. Born and returned to the grave in less than a half-hour. It broke my mother, and so her obsession with the dead began. The Watcher, the archangel in the hedges, held a baby boy in her arms. So there my mother sought solace and mourned the infant that she had never gotten the chance to hold.


    The other guard shook his head with a shudder, ¡°Monsters.¡±


    That damn word.


    Monster... Monstrous.


    It had become a constant companion, as people who knew little to nothing condemned us with it. In the three years that I have been a diplomat in Camar¡¯a that word had become like a bloody shadow. I could not escape it, whispers of it in the halls, more overt usage of it in the city streets. But even if routine use of it had made me carve those letters into my skin; I would not let them see me lose control of myself and become like the monster they swore I was.


    I shouldered the words and kept going. What else could I do? Go to the Camarian High King and Queen? It was my word versus that of their courtiers, and the common people. Even if they believed me, which was highly unlikely due to them having to take my word over one of their people¡­ What could they do?


    If my Father caught wind of what was happening he would call me a weakling for allowing the words of our enemies to get at me. Call me on my whining. No, it was my duty to be a diplomat and that meant putting up with the slurs, the taunts, and the lies.


    I had to remind myself of what was important.


    Whatever it took for peace. Whatever it took for peace. Whatever it took. For peace. Riq¡¯ua reminded me, that day, of how much work had gone into the alliance between our empires. I was not going to jeopardize it over the words of some worthless strangers. I was a prince, a Royalian prince. I had my honor to uphold and I would not lower myself to the level of these sheep who touted the words of priests who did not understand our God or his people.


    But I knew it was going to be a long evening now.


    -


    Tomorrow I will deliver Daugoventril¡¯s book. For now, I require respite and one of my other addictions besides the poppy. Blood seeped down my right arm from the deep carving. She found me like that in my downstairs room in the cabin. I had forgotten that Nilec stays here over the winter months. She watched me from the open doorway as I staunched the flow of the cut that I had made too deep on my right arm. It was difficult to gauge just how deep I was pressing with the jagged piece of glass. I used this piece of glass because of a promise I had given, a promise I circumvented. Thom had found me in much the same position years ago and had made me promise to stop cutting. I promised I would no longer cut, handing him the knife. I indeed no longer cut, with a knife.


    Was there appreciation in those dark green eyes? Desire? I did not know for sure, but I knew there was darkness to her. A darkness that had drawn us together in the first place. My hand finally comes away from the wound, setting aside the blood-soaked rag. I watched her, watching me.


    She came into the room slowly, like a frightened animal. I let her take her time, using another rag to clean the piece of glass and disappear it into one of my pockets. I was on that task and therefore not watching her when Nilec reached out and touched me. I looked at her immediately, but her long brown hair covered her eyes from my view.


    Nilec¡¯s fingers traced the alphabetical scars with languid curiosity for a time before she dug her nails into the old wounds on my left arm. For a second it stung, and I watched her, reaching out to move the veil of her hair. I was fascinated by the intense emotions on display as she pressed her nails deep. But just as quickly she withdrew completely, stepping away from my side. Curling into the malnourished frame and reclusive persona that encased her. Brown hair once again covered her face from view.


    My lips opened, about to ask what the hell had just happened when Nilec spoke.


    ¡°I¡¯m leaving soon.¡±


    That had always stood between us, that one day she would leave for the north. From the hints she had allowed me over the last few years, I knew that she would be beyond my grasp then. That whatever she had to do up north would change her. A part of her destiny.


    We had grown closer based on a mutual understanding of past trauma and our different manners of dealing with that trauma. We said nothing to the other about habits that were killing us, her anorexia, and my past opium addiction. Both of us needed someone who would listen, perhaps offer advice, but never judge. But we also knew that this arrangement was temporary.


    Another time, another place, perhaps something more could have existed between us. But here, in this present time, in this present place, our accord was coming to an end.


    ¡°When?¡±


    ¡°After Nathanael¡¯s birthday.¡±


    I would lose an ally, and of those, I had few already.


    Nilec settles beside me on the bed, pulling her feet up to her side. The blood begins to seep again from the wound and I push another rag to the skin. Using pressure to slow and eventually make the bleeding stop. I had not eaten since throwing up and with the blood loss, I was somewhat lightheaded. Looking to my left, I watched Nilec watching me once again. Taking the rag away and putting it on the bedside table. She leans her head upon my shoulder and in shock, I go still. Nilec did not suffer the touch of men and hardly initiated touch at all with anyone, even family. Her hugs with Nathanael were often awkward and loose. Did this mean she trusted me?


    I take a chance, in the act of taking her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. Seeing the smile on her features I could not help but smile too. Her smiles were rare, and my non-bitter ones were just as much so. But there we stayed, on my bed, in companionable silence. Only moving once we both grew sleepy. Yet as I fell asleep I remembered that in weeks I would lose her to a gods be damned destiny. So my dreams that night were bittersweet.