《An Idiot's Guide to Spellcasting》 Chapter One: The Rules!
So you picked up your first book on magic! Or, you¡¯re a seasoned magic user who can¡¯t read the ancient Kraken I used when titling this book, good luck translating that. Either way, you¡¯re about to realise that this isn¡¯t exactly your normal kind of book, even of the magical variety. Most of the pages are blank. More pages will appear as you need them. You can''t just skip to the good bits. That is just how it is. Get over it. If you want to break the spell you¡¯ll need acid from the second stomach of the Torn¡¯t, so don¡¯t even try. So let¡¯s lay down a few ground rules first:
  1. No skipping to the end. It¡¯s not like you can, but if I didn¡¯t put it in the rules the spell might not have worked.
  2. If this book states something to be totally possible, it is¡­ probably.
  3. If this book states something is not possible, it¡­ probably isn¡¯t?
  4. If this book states that something is not recommended, NEVER DO IT.
  5. If you do it anyway, take a bard with you to recount the tale.
  6. EVERYONE can do magic. Yes, even you.
You¡¯ll know the book is over when I tell you its title, and you¡¯ll know you¡¯re done with the book when you understand its title. With the introduction out of the way, let¡¯s begin.
¡°Well that¡¯s probably not normal.¡± I say. ¡®I mean, it might be normal, for the school. But for me? Nope.¡¯ Okay, recap. I show up to move into the dorms, and the first thing I do is start to unpack. Then, I find a book in my bag, that I didn¡¯t put there, claiming to be a textbook on magic. So far so weird. Even weirder? The book is almost completely blank. After the rules, there¡¯s nothing. ¡°Strange¡­¡± Knock Knock Knock ¡°Orientation starts in thirty minutes! All new students must attend!¡± someone called from the hall. I put the book down, this mystery could wait. ¡°Okay, I¡¯ll be there!¡± I yelled back. ¡®I need to make at least a somewhat good impression, my parents would not like it if I didn¡¯t.¡¯ So I put the book down on my new desk and packed everything I needed for orientation. ¡°Okay, I¡¯ve got my schedule, my good shoes, my pens, what else¡­¡± I gathered my things and left the room.
As I made my way to the lecture hall they would use for orientation I noticed, as usual, I was one of the tallest people there. Not the tallest mind you, but like top ten. ¡®Honestly, why do I have to stand out so much. This sucks.¡¯ I heard shouting over on the side of the path I was walking on, there¡¯s a large crowd of people, calling out to passers by and handing out scrolls. ¡°Come check out the greenhouses! We grow all manner of herbs to cure what ails you!¡± One woman shouted. ¡°Alchemy supplies are provided at generous prices on floor six in tower five!¡± Someone else shouted. It doesn¡¯t matter where you go, there¡¯ll always be someone trying to sell you something. Not that I wasn¡¯t used to it. I¡¯ve spent enough time around my dad¡¯s friends to get a lifetime of petty advertising. That¡¯s when a particularly large man, like taller than me, practically screamed into my ears, ¡°Join us in FENCING! Learn to beat your lessers in HONORABLE combat! We provide the BEST training at WONDERFUL prices! I just KNOW you would be great at it!¡± The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. ¡®Fucking hell. That hurt.¡¯ It¡¯s a well known fact that yelling straight into the ears of one of the cat-folk, or any other race with much better than average hearing, fucking hurt. Like a kick to the balls, but in your brain. Now, this dude might not know about that, in which case he¡¯s an ignorant jackass. Or, he does know, which would make him a massive jackass. Either way, there was really only one appropriate response to this. ¡°Shut up jackass!¡± I yell back, and kept walking. No need to spend any more time than necessary around loud jackasses. He gave me a look like he had just bitten into a ripe lemon. ¡°I expected no less from a fucking stray!¡± He shouted back. Okay. Massive jackass confirmed. Avoid if at all possible.
Orientation is mostly boring. They had tables set up with all the professors spread out throughout the building. We had to go through our list and meet with each of them that we had, and they would give us more lists. Lists of required materials, books, meeting times, meeting days, exceptions to those meeting days and times, exceptions to those exceptions, and so on. I heard one professor even had a list of ¡°people to avoid¡± that they were giving out. That¡¯s a big-ass red flag if I ever heard one. Luckily they weren¡¯t one of my professors. Once we had these lists, we were supposed to go to the various facilities on campus to buy what we needed. ¡°Damn, that¡¯s a lot of lists. How many classes are you taking?¡± someone next to me asks. I look over at them to see a harpy, probably about half my height. ¡®Fucking seven¡¯ I think. ¡°Seven¡± I say. ¡°What? Why would you take that many? Isn¡¯t it a bit too much?¡± She seemed genuinely curious. ¡°This is most certainly not my intention, but my father insisted.¡± ¡°Really? Jeez that sucks.¡± she said. ¡®She seems nice.¡¯ ¡°How about you? What are you taking?¡± I ask. ¡°Oh I¡¯m only taking four; arithmetic, introduction to magic, simple mechanisms, and etiquette.¡± ¡°I¡¯m taking intro to magic too, maybe I¡¯ll see you there? I¡¯m Triss.¡± ¡°Nice to meet you Triss, I¡¯m Ocylia, but people usually just call me Cyl.¡± ¡°Nice to meet you Cyl. I look forward to working with you.¡± ¡°Likewise!¡± She said. After that, we parted ways. I noticed that the headmaster didn¡¯t make an appearance, even though they were supposed to. ¡®Oh well, they¡¯re probably busy.¡¯ I thought as I looked back at one of my long-ass lists. ¡°This is going to be a long day¡­¡±
On my way through the halls I notice the jackass from this morning, still yelling up a storm with what were probably his friends. ¡®I almost feel sorry for them. Man that guy¡¯s a dick. Made me want to punch him in the nose. Hope I never see him again.¡¯ I take out my lists and look at them. ¡®Finally done for the day.¡¯ I yawn, and stretch my sore arms. ¡®I¡¯m really tired. I think I¡¯ll just go back to my room and sleep.¡¯ I leave and make my way back to the dorm I was staying at. ¡°My room is on the fifth floor¡­ that¡¯s probably going to get old fast.¡± I say, as I start my long walk up the stairs. As I approach the room, I open up my bag to find the room key. ¡°It¡¯s got to be in here somewhere¡­ wait, what?¡± The book¡­ The book from this morning¡­ It¡¯s in my bag. ¡°Well that¡¯s definitely not normal.¡± Chapter Two: Experimentation Chapter Two ¡°Okay¡­¡± I said, staring at the book. ¡°Maybe I just accidentally grabbed it with my stuff this morning?¡± ¡®No, I didn¡¯t¡¯ I think ¡®but what other explanation is there?¡¯ ¡°What if I¡­¡± I take the book out, and put it down on my desk. I then leave the room and shut the door. I take a look inside my bag and¡­ ¡°Ooooookay, what the fuck is going on here?¡± The book has returned to my bag. I didn¡¯t even notice it¡¯s arrival. ¡°So, I¡¯ve got a teleporting book¡­ That can¡¯t be normal.¡± I open up the book again to check if any of ¡°The Rules¡± from before said anything about the book being so clingy. ¡°Nothing in here said anything about it teleporting around the place¡­ wait¡­¡± The book didn¡¯t stop at the first page. There were new words in it. I started reading.
So, your first lesson is on ¡°Items of Return¡±! What is an ¡°Item of Return¡±? You ask? Well it¡¯s actually very simple to explain, and very easy to test. See the nearest window? Chuck this book out of it. Don¡¯t worry about having to go retrieve it, it¡¯ll be fine.
And that¡¯s it. A single paragraph appeared in the book like it was always there. ¡°I suppose there¡¯s only one thing to do.¡± I say with some hesitation. ¡°The fifth floor¡­ This better do what I think it¡¯ll do¡­¡± I walk back into my room, open the window, and toss the book out of it. ¡°Okay, now we just look in the bag, and there it is.¡± The book returned, safe and sound, into my bag. ¡°Is it limited to just the bag?¡± I ask myself. ¡°Oh I am sooo going to figure this thing out.¡± I say, resigning myself to not sleep at all that night, there were tests to be done.
Okay! Good news. I have figured out how the book works, or at least how it behaves; I don¡¯t actually know how it teleports.
  1. The book, when I¡¯m not looking at it, is a bit¡­ position unstable, we¡¯ll say.
  2. When it does it¡¯s teleport stuff, it¡¯s impossible to notice what happened until you actually see it. I literally cannot feel it displace the stuff in my bag, or anywhere else it teleports.
  3. It likes to always be within arms reach of me, and does everything in it¡¯s power to get there. Examples:
    1. When I¡¯m fully kitted out, with bags or pockets, and I chuck it out of a window, it appears in one of those places.
    2. When I¡¯m not wearing anything with pockets, It¡¯ll hook itself onto my belt. Yes, I don¡¯t know how, but with out me noticing, it ¡°grew¡± a little hook and was attached to my belt.
    3. When I wasn¡¯t wearing anything for it to hook onto, It simply teleported to the nearest surface to me. When I was near my bed, it ended up there, when I was near the desk, it ended up there.
  4. It won¡¯t ¡®arrive¡¯ at the place it¡¯s decided to teleport to if you¡¯re looking at the destination. In the event that you are looking at it¡¯s chosen destination for long enough, it picks a different one.
And finally, the strangest rule of them all.
  1. If I think really hard about where I want it to land, and all the previous rules are satisfied, it lands there.
It doesn''t even have to be thrown out of the window, I can just will it out of my bag and onto my desk, as long as I¡¯m not looking at either. This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience. I can even get it to teleport to places where it normally wouldn¡¯t go, like on the roof of the other dorm across the yard. Although as soon as I look away, it comes right back. Now, onto the bad news¡­ I may have spent all night experimenting on the book¡­ and it¡¯s morning now. ¡°Well shit.¡± It¡¯s a good thing classes start in like six days. If I had to go to class like this, I¡¯d just fall asleep. Speaking of which¡­ *Knock Knock* ¡°Dorm meeting! All students must attend at least the first one!¡± someone yelled from outside my door. Dammit. ¡°Okay!¡± I yell back. This is not going to be fun.
The meeting room wasn¡¯t all that big, only like eight people were there, the dorm meetings were divided by each floor of the building, and we were on the least populated floor. ¡°Sorry for being late everyone.¡± I say, as I enter. ¡°I¡¯ll be honest in saying that I forgot. I didn¡¯t sleep last night.¡± ¡°It¡¯s fine! We¡¯ve all got some nervous energy.¡± I recognize her as the one who called me to the meeting, and orientation. I want to refute her claim that I¡¯m nervous, and tell her I was just testing something, but someone speaks up before I can. ¡°Damn your tall!¡± Really? That took all of what? Twelve seconds? ¡°Wow really? I¡¯ve never noticed. Not one time in all my life have I ever noticed that I¡¯m a bit taller than average.¡± I just give ¡®generic sarcastic response two¡¯ to her. She looks a bit pale ¡°Oh I¡¯m sorry! I just¡­ I mean¡­¡± I stop her. ¡°No, it¡¯s okay, it¡¯s just that¡¯s the first thing everyone says to me, and I¡¯m just a bit tired of it. I¡¯m not actually offended, but I¡¯ll ask that you¡¯re not so blunt about it please.¡± ¡°Okay¡­¡± she replies hesitantly. ¡°I¡¯m Casey, may I know your name?¡± "I''m Triss" I reply. ¡°And on that note, I think it¡¯ll be a good idea to call this meeting to order. This meeting is just for introductions, and division of responsibilities. I¡¯m Samantha Lance and I was picked to run the meetings by the dorm head, please introduce yourselves.¡± ¡°I¡¯m Casey Allen.¡± ¡°I am Lethra, No last name, that¡¯s not a thing amongst my people.¡± ¡°Leah Peri, nice to meet you all.¡± ¡°My name is Rro¡¯Kall, though you may all call me Rho, or Kall; few people can pronounce it normally.¡± ¡°I¡¯m called Nephrra Loe. Pleased to make your acquaintance.¡± ¡°I am known as Mave, you may not know my family name. Know that it is rude to ask.¡± ¡°I¡¯m Triss, Triss Ovalia, hi.¡± ¡°Okay, with introductions out of the way, we can move on to division of labor. I volunteer to take on the administrative duties for us. Any objections?¡± ¡°May we know our options first?¡± Leah asked. ¡°Certainly, this is the library floor of the building, and thus one of us must work with the head librarian of the school to keep the books clean and cataloged. One of us will have to do admin work, such as filling out room assignments, and making requests. Requests are for furniture, lighting, enchantments, permission slips for various items to enter the dorm, that sort of thing. We¡¯ll need a few people to clean the halls, and a few people to run errands, like bring the morning breakfast and so on. Finally we¡¯ll need someone to deliver mail to us from the post box in the main building. Any questions?¡± ¡°I think I would like to work as a cleaner. I cannot stand a dirty living space, so I might as well do it myself.¡± Lethra said. ¡°I shall join her! It will be good to do physical activity.¡± Mave agreed. ¡°I believe I would be okay as a runner for the dorm, I¡¯ll do the deliveries.¡± Casey said. ¡°I need to spend a lot of time in the main building anyway, might as well check for mail while I¡¯m there.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll be an errand runner. Nephrra, you should join me, it¡¯ll be just like when we lived in the capital.¡± Rro spoke up. ¡°Sure, I can do that¡± she replied. ¡°Okay, that¡¯s just about it. Only the librarian and the administrative positions need to be filled. Triss, will you be challenging me for the role of administrator?¡± Samantha asked. ¡°No, that¡¯s okay, I can work in the library. I like books anyway.¡± ¡°Well then, that¡¯s settled! Now, on to the next order of business¡­¡± She started. I¡¯m so tired¡­
For the rest of the meeting, I tuned out of the conversation. It¡¯s not like they needed me anyway. I found out something interesting though. The book doesn¡¯t teleport when anyone is looking at it. Not just me. I couldn¡¯t get it to teleport off of my belt almost the entire time. I did get it to once, I think, but since I was just thinking ¡°anywhere but here¡± I have no idea where it went during that time. Finally the meeting ends and I get to go back to my room to sleep. I don¡¯t even bother setting my bed; I just land in it and pass out. Whatever I needed to do today, could be handled tomorrow. Chapter Three: Yesterdays Problems Chapter Three ¡°I¡¯m such a dumb-ass.¡± I said. ¡°I should not have slept through yesterday.¡± I was supposed to meet with my dad for some ¡°discussions¡±. Really he just wanted to lecture me on something, but I had to attend nonetheless. ¡°He¡¯s probably pissed at me; oh well, it was inevitable. He was probably looking for an excuse to lecture me on something, might as well be this.¡± I listen to the loud crashing of rain on my window, and debate actually seeing him today or not. ¡°It¡¯s not like he could get to me here. He wouldn¡¯t be allowed onto campus without a permit.¡± It wouldn¡¯t take long for him to get one though. He¡¯s got a stake in so many things as an investor, he could probably just convince one of his friends to let him borrow theirs. ¡°Oh well.¡± I say, as I start to put on my rain gear. ¡°Might as well let him get it out of his system before he returns to the family estate.¡± I leave the dorm, preparing for the argument yet to come.
While I¡¯m making my way to the campus main gate, the rain picks up. It¡¯s getting hard to walk in. I make my way to an awning for cover, and I¡¯m not alone. A tall (taller than me even) cat-folk woman finds cover in the same place as me. ¡°It¡¯s such a deluge out here!¡± she exclaimed, ¡°I almost forgot how bad it could get around here; I haven¡¯t seen rain like this since I was in school!¡± ¡°Yea¡­¡± I say. ¡°Oh sorry, I didn¡¯t properly introduce myself. I¡¯m professor Lena de Lafayette! Nice to meet you Triss!¡± she introduced herself. ¡°Wait, how do you know my¡­¡± ¡°I like to get to know all of my students before they have me, I¡¯ve been making the rounds, but I haven¡¯t gotten to your dorm yet.¡± She explains. ¡°Why do you do that? And why didn¡¯t I see you at orientation?¡± ¡°I only just arrived in the city yesterday, so my TA was there in my place. But I¡¯m taking up too much of your time! The rain will let up in like fifty seconds, so you better get to your meeting.¡± ¡°How do you¡­¡± I try, but she interrupts me again. ¡°So before you leave campus for today, let me give you a word of advice.¡± She starts, her expression turning serious. ¡°Don¡¯t tell anyone about the book. Not your family, not any of the other faculty, not even your friends. Keep it absolutely secret. Under no circumstances is anyone but you to know about it. Do you understand me? Cool! See you in class.¡± She rushes out into the rain. Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings. ¡°Wait!¡± I try, but she¡¯s gone before I can get a word out. How does she know about the book? Why can¡¯t I tell anyone about it? In my confusion, I barely notice that the rain was starting to let up, just like she said it would. ¡°She¡¯s probably a divination specialist.¡± I conclude. Far-seers are rare, but not so rare as to be unheard of. I just wish they didn¡¯t always have to be so obtuse. I¡¯ll have to ask about what she meant about the book later.
It doesn¡¯t take me long to find the place he is staying. The address led me to a large mansion, probably owned by one of his ¡°friends¡±. It¡¯s the kind of mansion that you don¡¯t live in. It looks nice, but everything in it is just to impress the guests who visit, or to show off at parties. Nobody actually lives in the house. By the main gates, I saw a gruff looking man with the company crest on his armor. ¡°Ah, miss Ovalia, the master is expecting you; right this way.¡± He said as I approached. I was quickly led inside. ¡°It is good that you are here, the master was growing impatient. I dare not think what he might have done should you had not come.¡± ¡°People shouldn¡¯t talk about things that aren¡¯t their business.¡± ¡°Of course ma''am.¡± I am led to a small office space, where my father is waiting for me. ¡°Thank you, that will be all.¡± he said, dismissing the servant. He did not look at me for a long while; filling out the paperwork on his desk. ¡°Do you have anything to say for yourself?¡± He finally asks, not even bothering to put down his quill. ¡°Well? Mind explaining where you were yesterday?¡± ¡°I was at the dorm, sleeping.¡± ¡°Do you expect me to believe that? Because I don¡¯t.¡± ¡°You can simply ask the security on campus, I¡¯m sure someone can confirm I never left the dorm yesterday.¡± ¡°Look, you!¡± he slams his hand on his desk. ¡°You can¡¯t just snub your obligations like this. You were supposed to be here, in this office, yesterday. I don¡¯t know where you were, but you weren¡¯t here, and that¡¯s the problem.¡± ¡­ ¡°So that¡¯s how it¡¯s going to be. Huh? One day you¡¯re going to have to stop this nonsense. Once you¡¯ve married, you¡¯ll no longer have time for your ¡°flights of fancy¡±. That day may even be coming soon. I¡¯ve been in talks about Baron Lavoisier¡¯s son. He¡¯ll be looking for someone to marry soon, and it would be very profitable for the family if you pursued him.¡± Just the thought of it makes me want to hurl. He¡¯s gone, one moment admonishing me and the next moment he¡¯s engrossed in his scheming. ¡°You know I can¡¯t do that, a noble title, even a minor one, is nothing to scoff at. I¡¯d be hanged for even trying.¡± ¡°Now normally, that would be the case, but there are rumors that the Baron¡¯s son is desolate. If it is true that he cannot father a child, his brother will be next in line, not himself. He will however, not be disowned, and thus still nobility. Don¡¯t you see? This is my chance to get in with the nobles; I¡¯ll probably come out of this with massive trade deals. All you need to do is convince the fool to marry you. Hell, even if he marries someone else, it would still be profitable for you to become his concubine. Are you even listening?¡± ¡°Yes, you¡¯re trying to set me up to die. I heard you loud and clear.¡± ¡°Listen to me, that may not be the case, if¡­¡± I¡¯ve checked out of the conversation. I just don¡¯t care anymore. I wait for him to finish, just tell him I¡¯ll try, and leave. There¡¯s no convincing him.
¡°Gods dammit! He is such an ass-hat!¡± I scream into the uncaring sky. I am pacing around in an alleyway, lamenting my lot in life. ¡°Be a good wife! He says! Try to seduce a fucking noble! He says! He can shove that bullshit up his pretentious ass!¡± I just stand for a while, letting the rain fall onto my head. In a fit of rage, I rip the book off of my belt and chuck it into the street. Then I let my frustrations out onto some crates, kicking them until they break, spilling their contents out onto the ground. ¡°Fuck.¡± I turn around, to see the book lying on the ground near me; undamaged from getting thrown around like a rag-doll, and sitting in the mud. ¡°You¡¯re not helping!¡± I yell, kicking it away again. I start smashing some of the fruit that landed on the ground. ¡°I wish he would just ignore me! Go back home! Leave me to my magic, it¡¯s more fun and less deadly than anything he wants me to do!¡± Seemingly in response to my shouting, when the book lands again, it¡¯s open to a new page. It¡¯s titled, ¡°A simple anti-detection spell! For the times when you need to be sneaky!¡± ¡­ ¡°Okay, I see how it is. Yea, Let¡¯s do that.¡± A semblance of a plan starts to form in my mind. Chapter Three and a Half: A Simple Anti-Detection Spell Chapter Three and a Half So, I¡¯m going to break into my dad¡¯s office, and steal some of his stuff. Is it a bad idea? Oh yes. Is it childish? Yep. Do I have any idea what I¡¯m doing? Nah. Do I have any reason (other than spite) to do this? Nope! Do I care? Big Fucking Nope. I¡¯ve spent years under the thumb of that greedy bastard, and now I have a chance for some petty revenge just handed to me? Oh yea, this is happening. So, what is this ¡°simple anti-detection spell¡±?
A simple anti-detection spell! For the times when you need to be sneaky! What is sneak? What are spells? What is detection? These questions and more! Will be mostly glossed over by this chapter, it¡¯s a bit off topic. All you need to know is that you¡¯re not prepared for a true anti-detection spell; nor are you ready for an invisibility spell, not even a blur. If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. An anti-detection spell, in it¡¯s truest form, is a massive enchantment-illusion dual-school spell, that causes every conscious being to simply ignore or not notice the presence of the caster or whatever object the caster wants not to be seen. To perfect such a thing, you would need decades to learn the prerequisites, and decades more of study on the topic of enchantment, and how it interacts with illusion. You¡¯ve probably not got time for that. A more sensible, but still ridiculous option, is invisibility. True invisibility, for reasons I will not get into, causes blindness. This is unavoidable. So you cannot simply channel massive amounts of illusory intent into the a spell to make you invisible, because you would also be completely blind. Instead, it¡¯s another massive dual-school spell, this time it¡¯s an illusion-divination spell. You could use a simpler spell, that¡¯s just illusion, like blur. But the blur spell causes nearsightedness, and is difficult to work with. That, and you almost certainly do not have the skill to cast such a spell. ¡°So what¡¯s the simple anti-detection spell!?¡± I hear you cry. Well it¡¯s very simple really. If you don¡¯t want to be seen, you have to know what other people see! Thus that brings me to the spell! Divine-detection! Through the school of divination, and divination alone, channel your intent to know the approximate areas of the world around you that other people can see! It¡¯s actually a very simple and light spell. No need for long incantations. Only a single simple reagent! Go to your nearest alchemy shop and get some fresh eyeballs! No I¡¯m not kidding. Don¡¯t make that face. The eyeballs are very important, and no, it doesn¡¯t matter what kind of eyeballs they are, just that they¡¯re intact! Return to this chapter after you have acquired them, more information will be dispensed at that time. Now go! My young apprentice! Find the eyeballs! Buy the eyeballs! Steal the eyeballs! Just get those eyeballs!
¡­ eww¡­ ¡°Well. I¡¯d better go find myself some eyeballs.¡± I say, resigning myself to my fate. Chapter Four: Acquiring Eyeballs Chapter Four ¡°Like I keep saying sir, unless you¡¯ve got a writ from the department chair, I can¡¯t do anything about the prices. They aren¡¯t set by me, or anyone else that works here.¡± I give a sigh. I have spent over an hour dealing with this prick, and I don¡¯t see it ending any time soon. ¡°As I keep telling you, we don¡¯t need that. We are the only group of students officially endorsed by the city guard; that makes our station above yours. You have to cave to our demands, you have no choice.¡± The man said with a tone of finality. It was people like this that made my blood boil. ¡°You lot are only ¡®officially endorsed¡¯ because if you weren¡¯t, you wouldn¡¯t be allowed to form a group in the first place. All duelists must be registered with the guard, otherwise, it would just be assault.¡± I countered. ¡°And another thing! You know as well as I do that the alchemist¡¯s association is also endorsed by the city guard, and they endorse this apothecary. As far as I¡¯m concerned, I don¡¯t have to do jack shit for you. Now pay the full price, or get out.¡± ¡°Look piss-ant, I¡¯ve about had it with your tone. So how about this; I¡¯ll just go and get some friends to rough you up a bit. Maybe that would make you a bit more generous.¡± At that moment, someone else entered the shop, a tall cat-folk woman. She looked like she was on a mission; looking through the shelves for something she needed. ¡°I¡¯ll be with you in a moment miss.¡± I yell. ¡°Oh, it¡¯s the stray.¡± The man said. ¡°And on that note, get the fuck out, or I¡¯ll have you thrown out.¡± I tell him. ¡°With what, those scrawny little arms?¡± He asks. ¡°No, with the city guard. See this here?¡± I pointed to an enchanted plate on the wall. ¡°If I so much as think you¡¯re about to touch me, I can use this thing to call the guard to this location. It makes a noise like a banshee and records everything in the room, even your tirade from today. So I suggest you leave.¡± He looks at me like I just spit on his face, and then leaves the shop in a huff. I look over at the woman to see her giving me a knowing smirk. ¡°Now, what can I do for you miss?¡±
¡°I need some eyes.¡± I say. It wasn¡¯t hard to find the campus alchemy shop. What is hard is finding what you need from within it. There are hundreds of things lining the shelves, and that wasn¡¯t counting the stuff they have in the back. The woman at the counter was giving me a strange look. ¡°Was that a joke? I don¡¯t understand.¡± She asked. ¡°No unfortunately. I need eyeballs; any eyeballs will do. Heck, the more you have the better, I have no idea how many times I will need to try this before I get it right, and the damn instruction manual isn¡¯t being very helpful.¡± Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site. She gave me an incredulous look but decided to help me anyway. ¡°Sure thing, may I ask what you¡¯re doing? I¡¯ve never heard of an alchemical recipe that required something as complex as whole eyeballs, without specifying what kind.¡± I hesitate for a moment as she starts moving through the shelves. I could tell her what I¡¯m doing, but that professor told me not to tell anyone about the book. Technically I wouldn¡¯t be telling her about it directly, but I don¡¯t know enough about magic to say for sure if the spell it¡¯s trying to get me to cast is strange enough to warrant investigation. ¡°You don¡¯t need to tell me if you don¡¯t want to,¡± she interrupted me from my musings, ¡°I understand if it¡¯s something secret.¡± ¡°Thanks for understanding.¡± As she¡¯s going through some boxes labeled ¡°rare-use ingredients¡±, I notice the box is also labeled with the seal of my dad¡¯s company. ¡°Your shop is supplied by the Ovalias?¡± I ask. ¡°Yea, they made an offer to the academy to sell us some rare items at discount price. Although if you ask me, it¡¯s probably part of some backroom deal.¡± ¡°Really? Interesting.¡± ¡°Also, it¡¯s not my shop, I just work here. I¡¯m the student employee from this floor.¡± ¡°Really? This is my first semester here, but I¡¯ve already got a job in the library. It¡¯s over in the dorms on floor five.¡± I tell her. ¡°Cool. I probably won¡¯t spend much time in there, but maybe we¡¯ll see each-other again later. But for now, I think I¡¯ve got what you¡¯re looking for.¡± She held out a jar of what looked like black marbles. ¡°Those are eyes?¡± I ask. ¡°Yes. Well sort of. They¡¯re the individual cells of a large compound eye. According to the label, they belonged to a dire-wasp. Nasty things, them.¡± ¡°Well, thanks for finding these for me, how much for your trouble?¡± ¡°For you? I¡¯ll give a discount; 7? and we¡¯ll call it even, if you come back often; I need the company.¡± ¡°What about that whole can¡¯t give discounts thing?¡± ¡°You heard that? You weren¡¯t in the shop then¡± she asks. I just point to my ears and give her an incredulous look. ¡°Oh! Ha! I¡¯ve always heard about the cat-folk¡¯s excellent hearing, I just thought they were exaggerations.¡± ¡°Some of them are, but I think the whole floor heard some of those shouts. You weren¡¯t exactly being quiet.¡± I tell her after giving her the coins. ¡°I certainly hope this won¡¯t be my last visit. You¡¯ve been entirely helpful.¡± I tell her. ¡°That¡¯s not foreboding at all.¡± she says. ¡°Don¡¯t hurt yourself with whatever experiments you¡¯re doing.¡± ¡°Nah!¡± I say, ¡°It¡¯ll be fine!¡± ¡­ ¡°Probably.¡±
¡°It¡¯ll be fine, right?¡± I ask myself. I¡¯m sitting on my bed staring at the book, and my newly acquired ¡°jar of eyes¡±. ¡°Yea. It¡¯ll be fine.¡± I open the book to the ¡°simple anti-detection spell¡± and look for any new text.
So you¡¯ve got some eyes, and want to try your hand at the new spell! The spell is extremely simple to cast if you know how to channel intent! Problem: You don¡¯t know how to channel intent. That¡¯s fine! It¡¯s not that hard, just follow these simple steps:
  1. Think really hard about what you want to do.
  2. Do it.
That¡¯s it! ¡­ Okay, that isn¡¯t it, but you¡¯ll be fine. Some people are just naturals at this kind of thing, and you¡¯re one of them. So, the spell. Take one of your eyes (That is not to say, your own eyes, but the eyes you bought.) and imagine this scene:
I sat up, preparing myself for this. I¡¯ve always been told about the feeling of casting a spell. I think I know what¡¯s expected of me, but I¡¯m feeling a bit anxious. The book wasn¡¯t helping much with those feelings, but it held the knowledge I need. If putting up with a sarcastic author was all it took to get that knowledge, so be it. I hold the eye in the palm of my hand, and continue reading.
You¡¯re alone, sitting by the hearth in your family villa. You can hear people talking about you in the hall outside. They are looking for you, but they won¡¯t find you. You can feel their eyes. Eyes looking for you, prepared to take you away. But their eyes betray them. They tell you their secrets, whether their owners want them to or not. You see a bull-faced man enter the room, but he does not see you. You¡¯ve hidden yourself from his sight. He scans the room, searching for you, but his eyes miss you. Not because they wouldn¡¯t see you if they could, but you can see the edges of their understanding, and can dodge them. You leave the room, knowing what you need to do, and how to do it.
¡­ ¡°That¡¯s¡­ vague.¡± I say. It¡¯s also oddly familiar¡­ ¡°Okay, let¡¯s see if this works.¡± I close my eyes and start to imagine a hearth. Chapter Five: Pleas Stop Im Trying to Brood Chapter Five ¡°Well¡­ shit.¡± I say, a bit exasperated. I¡¯ve been sitting here envisioning that stupid imaginary villa for what feels like half an hour, and only now finally got something to happen. That something, was the eyeball I was holding deflating like a shitty balloon, and not much else. So, I picked up another eye, this one with stripes for some reason. ¡­ About another 20 minutes later, the eyeball popped and covered my hand and pants in eyeball-goo-stuff. I threw up. Not a good experience. Would not recommend. ¡°Once more.¡± I said, ready to try again. ¡­ This time I opened my eyes and immediately threw the eye across the room. ¡°NO FUCK SHIT STOP DIE¡­¡± I shouted profanities at the thing and stomped on it until it was paste. What was the problem? It blinked. ¡°I will never be able to unsee that.¡± I said, dejected. I sighed. ¡°Once more.¡± This was going to take a while¡­ ¡­ "Once more¡­" ¡­ ¡­ When I opened my eyes, the eyeball was deflated again. This time it was one of those compound eye-things. Probably from some large insectoid creature. That wasn¡¯t so much a big deal though, I¡¯ve failed so many times at this point I was almost numb to it. ¡®Definitely. Not frustrated at all. Shut up.¡¯ I thought, looking at the book which had smugly not offered a single piece of extra advice. No, the real problem was when I opened my eyes I saw that the window had light gleaming into it. It was morning. I forgot to sleep again. Ugh.
¡°Ugh¡± I said, eloquently, mostly to my potatoes. ¡°Sorry, how does that answer my question?¡± Casey asked, a little annoyed I hadn¡¯t been paying attention. We had decided to get lunch together after she found me wandering aimlessly lost in my own thoughts. ¡°Sorry,¡± I replied, ¡°I just didn¡¯t sleep last night at all¡­ again¡­¡± ¡°Ouch. That makes twice in three days, doesn¡¯t it? Are your nerves really that bad?¡± ¡°It¡¯s not nerves.¡± I say, trying to defend myself. ¡°I find that hard to believe, even I¡¯m feeling the nervous tension around here.¡± ¡°It¡¯s just¡­ sometimes I get into these moods, where I fixate on something, be it a new book or experiment, and can¡¯t stop myself from engaging with it until I realize it¡¯s too late.¡± I admit I was venting a little, and Casey was clearly becoming a little uncomfortable, so I decided to leave it there. This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it ¡°Sorry, I¡¯m just tired. And cranky I suppose.¡± ¡°No it¡¯s okay;¡± she started. ¡°what got you so engaged this time anyways?¡± ¡°Just some divination work. It¡¯s my own personal project.¡± I hedge. ¡°You know, there¡¯s a divination expert here on campus who might be of some help there.¡± She said. ¡°What was her name again?¡± Before I could respond, we both heard a loud snapping sound from the other side of the dining hall. A table had been broken in half by, well, an idiot by my measure. Somebody was carrying a box, probably a package, and set it on the table. The package was clearly heavier than it looked as it went straight through the old wood and crashed into the floor. Casey immediately got up and ran over to try to sort out the issue, much cursing ensued with the belligerent idiot who insisted it wasn¡¯t their fault. I decided to conveniently escape the situation before it got worse. Honestly I already had a headache, and the campus noise was certainly not helping. I sometimes wish I could just shut everything out, but it¡¯s difficult to make something to suppress noise when you can hear as well as I could. I still didn¡¯t understand where things went wrong. I was doing what the stupid book said I should, with the villa, the eyes, the whole stupid thing. I kept walking, trying to find a quieter place to think. Eventually I found myself in the academic wing of the main building. Still, what could I had possibly done different. Were the kind of eyes more important? I hadn¡¯t figured out any pattern to what happens to them when it fails, and it failed every time. I just¡­ couldn¡¯t get it right. ¡°¡®you¡¯re a natural¡¯ My ass.¡± I said, dejected. ¡°You are a natural, Miss Ovalia. Just not the kind you are thinking of.¡± ¡°Shit!¡± I promptly fell flat on my ass in surprise. ¡­ ¡­ ¡­ ¡­ ¡°Um¡­ hi?¡± ¡°Hello!¡± She said in a sing-song voice with a massive grin. She even gave me a small wave. ¡°You¡¯re the professor from before. Miss de Laf¡­¡± ¡°Oh just call me Lena, Miss Ovalia. We¡¯re friends after all.¡± She interrupted me. ¡°Now, come in come in. There is much to discuss.¡± She started. ¡°Well I say discuss, more vaguely hint at, but don¡¯t worry you¡¯ll get the hang of it. Oh double-entendre, what fun!¡± ¡°How is that double¡­¡± ¡°Yes, yes, ask your questions but let us ask those questions inside of the office with nice comfy chairs yes?¡± She smiled as she walked away from me into what was presumably her office.
¡°So, divine detection. That¡¯s certainly a topic I can help you with as I am sure you have surmised. How I¡¯ll help you with it, however, may be not quite what you expected.¡± ¡°Ah, yes that¡¯s why I¡¯m here. Are you¡­¡± ¡°A seer? I wonder. Maybe I¡¯m just really good at guessing!¡± ¡°Well, you really act like you are. So I just thought¡­¡± ¡°No, I¡¯m not.¡± she says. ¡­ ¡°¡­¡± I give her a dumb look. ¡®Is she fucking with me??¡¯ ¡°I¡¯m not even good at guessing either! Never was. I¡¯ve always had to have things explained to me directly.¡± she giggles. She leans in conspiratorially and whispers, ¡°My wife thinks I¡¯m simple.¡± She sat back straight, ¡°but of course, that doesn¡¯t explain why I know things that you think I shouldn¡¯t does it?¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­No. It does not. Are you going to explain?¡± ¡°Nope! You¡¯d think you¡¯d¡¯ve figured that out by now.¡± ¡°Of course not. Why am I here again? I have half a mind to just leave right now.¡± I was getting more than a little annoyed at this woman. ¡°Oh, you are always in a rush aren¡¯t you.¡± She mumbles under her breath. ¡°And I was having so much fun fucking with you too.¡± She says much louder, sighing dramatically. I get up to leave, finally done with this farce, but she says one more thing. ¡°Why were you in the room, Triss? Why that room, and why the villa?¡± I stare back at her, but she just smirks at me. ¡°I don¡¯t know, I don¡¯t remember. I¡¯m not even sure if it¡¯s supposed to be the family villa I¡¯m thinking of, we have more than one.¡± ¡°You know that¡¯s wrong, and you know why. Read it again.¡± ¡®Read it?¡¯ I thought. ¡®Oh.¡¯ I grab the book from my belt and open it to the current page.
You¡¯re alone, sitting by the hearth in your family villa. You can hear people talking about you in the hall outside. They are looking for you, but they won¡¯t find you. You can feel their eyes. Eyes looking for you, prepared to take you away. But their eyes betray them. They tell you their secrets, whether their owners want them to or not. You see a bull-faced man enter the room, but he does not see you. You¡¯ve hidden yourself from his sight. He scans the room, searching for you, but his eyes miss you. Not because they wouldn¡¯t see you if they could, but you can see the edges of their understanding, and can dodge them. You leave the room, knowing what you need to do, and how to do it.
¡°Why are they looking for you, Triss?¡± ¡°I¡­ I don¡¯t know¡­¡± ¡°Yes you do.¡± ¡®Yeah, I did. This passage is about my ninth birthday.¡¯ ¡°Miss¡­¡± She gives me a look, ¡°¡­Lena¡­ how can this passage be about me?¡± I asked. ¡°How indeed! Now, that¡¯s enough, you¡¯ve got work to do and I¡¯ve got to call home with the news.¡± ¡°News? Who are you calling?¡± ¡°Yes! News! And I said home, who else would I be calling. Now out with you.¡± When she finished her sentence, suddenly I was no longer facing her, I was outside her office facing away from the door. I look down at the book, and to my surprise it has updated with a single new sentence.
Isn¡¯t she just the worst?
Yeah. Yeah she is. But¡­ not unhelpful¡­ I guess I have an idea of what to do now¡­ If this doesn¡¯t work I¡¯m putting in a formal complaint.