《Can I Still Be Human?》 Can I Still Redeem Myself In the quiet shadows of society, loneliness weaves its insidious web, a silent predator that preys on the hearts of many. It''s a chilling reality in our very nature, humans crave connection, the touch of another soul to stave off the growing void inside Without this daily human interaction, we don''t perish of course but it''s sort of like poison, a slow corruption of the spirit that often goes unnoticed until it''s too late. Minds are like delicate glass, they slowly begin to crack and warp under the weight of isolation The victims of loneliness are commonly young adults and old people, whose days echo the silence of empty rooms. I, too, felt victim to it during my time at a programming university Even though I was surrounded by faces, I lived in this deafening silent I existed in solitude, my days a monotonous rhythm of solitary meals, solitary study sessions, and solitary moments. I spoke to people, but the silence never broke The result? This silence created something inhuman ¡­ "15 dollars for a dime bag? Come on now that''s a bit too much right? Our last plug gave it for much cheaper" A kid told me "Yeah good for him, I don''t go lower than 15, today is quite hard to transport the green kid, so either take it or leave it, I have many other customers waiting for me!" "Alright dude I will pay" The kid said as he hastily pulled out a twenty-dollar bill "You have change right?" "I won''t need to, you owe me 5$ remember? I once took your friends by car to the one club and then brought you back to the campus, do you think all this gas spent was free? With the prices of the gas growing I can''t be wasting gas can I?" "Come on now man! Don''t be an asshole! Give me my change!" As soon as the kid tried to take the dollar bill from me I punched him in the face "Hands off little shit, I''m not like the idiots you hung around! One hand on me and I will kill you!" The kid cowardly picked up the bag and ran away, he looked mad so I expect him to jump me with his friends next time we meet, that''s fine though, next time I will bring an iron fist RING RING "Who is it?" "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" "I said who is it?" The line then started to ring, they hung up I don''t know who was it but they must have gotten the wrong number after all it was a voice I didn''t recognize "Good morning to everyone hearing this and welcome to 25 news! Today we will discuss the high increase in overdose rates in the area of Astronova, we are here with Detective Conan to discuss the issue! Can you tell us something about the current...." I guess we are on the radio now huh, I can''t stand hearing about this on the news so I think the car ride will be better with the radio closed After a short car ride, I arrived at the meeting point, I''m meeting up with the guy who gave me the drugs for distribution "Did you sell it all?" He asked me "Yeah we made 250$ from all the sales" "Nice one Elias but make sure you don''t get caught up in the territory of big gangs, I''m not big enough to try and mess with the big names like Kenny or Homer, these two guys are beasts so if you hear their names around the area you are dealing leave immediately" After his warning, we split up and I went back home, it was early so I didn''t have anything to do, after all, I sleep during the day... ¡­ Sometimes I feel like I need to quit doing what I do, it pays the bills I couldn''t pay otherwise but it''s tiresome, if I told my mom that my job is to sell illegal substances to random guys which slowly kill them she would probably hate me My mother sent me to college so I could make something of myself but I have nothing to prove for all the money she spent on me, I did graduate with a degree but not long ago I was fired from my job because of the fall off of the company due to drug dealing charges, ironic right? After being fired I couldn''t find a job, the rent was due and I couldn''t ask my mom for more money, my father had died recently so she had to burry him, surprisingly a funeral is expensive I didn''t get to go to the funeral "I can''t come due to work, I will get promoted to a high position if I do this one job" That''s the lie I said to my mother so I didn''t leave Astronova, the reason I lied was because I got addicted to green and crack, I was too absorbed by the drugs to leave And of course, after I said that she never spoke to me and stopped sending me money so the only thing I could do was become a dealer, I heard they made a lot of money so I took the risk and became one, I sure have money to make it through the month but I can''t put up with this lifestyle It destroys me from the inside, I can''t tell dinner from breakfast, I can''t tell good from bad, and I can''t tell if I''m a human or not, probably not This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it. No human would have abandoned his family for its own sake, that''s why I hate myself more than anything It is human nature to hate the man whom you have hurt. -Tacitus It''s night already... Might as well go out, since it''s empty I will finally be able to relax... I slowly walked into this silent city that comforted me and my shitty mind, while walking I passed in front of a boxing gym, it''s Monday today, isn''t it? I forgot to come to my lesson... Is it the fifth time or the sixth? I can''t tell anymore, I have lost counting While thinking I was about to light up a cigarette but I was already smoking one, after every passing day I forget more and more, I forget if I have slept, I forget if I have bathed or not, and I forget if I ate something or not Somedays I wonder, if I forgot to breathe would I be reminded before dying? "Hey, you! You are Elias aren''t you?" A man dressed in black asked me He was standing behind me "Yeah, who is that?" Suddenly the man pulled a gun and aimed it at my face Everything froze for a moment, the traffic lights, the bugs flying, the stars, everything became stationary "So that''s how the rat that has been selling in our territory looks like" The man said as he started walking toward me I feel like I''m out of breath, did I finally forget to breathe? Can I finally stop existing? Suddenly the man hit my head with the gun "I''m talking to you, you little shit!" The man yelled intensively I started breathing again "I''m sorry! I didn''t know!" I said as I lowered my head The man then kicked my head and then started kicking me over and over "Do you know who I work for? I work for Kenny, K E N N Y, do you know who the hell he is? We will skin you alive kid, you hear me? WE WILL KILL YOU!" "Stop that! Idiot..." Another man said as he stopped the guy from kicking me The man who stopped the armed guy picked up my cigarette and burned the top of my palm "You heard my friend, right? Normally a bullet would have already been in your brains but I''m not as barbaric as my friend, meaning I use my brain a bit, follow us, and get in the car" The man said as he took the armed guy and walked away "Get up! Oh! And if you try something while we are in the car you will wish we killed you here" Leaving me no other option I got into the car that was parked in front of me and I was taken somewhere unknown He said he wouldn''t kill me... Suddenly one of the men put a mask over my face so I couldn''t see anything for a while and then after what felt like half an hour he took off my mask and I was blinded by a light that was projected at me In front of me, I could tell that it was a man dressed in a suit "Wakey, wakey my friend I heard you were dealing in my area, I''m aware my friends informed you about what we do to rats like you! But I figured that an example would help! GUYS BRING HIM HERE!" The man in a suit said and with the snap of his fingers the two guys from before brought a man in the same mask as mine "So just for all of us to be on the same page I must introduce myself! I''m Kenny, that''s how the people in this "industry" know me as, and this fella with the mask is one of the rats I spotted in my city" After Kenny took off the mask from the man I was left speechless... It was John the guy that provided me with the drugs "You idiot! Why didn''t you look at the messages I sent you? You could have been saved!" John told me as he was crying I''m starting to get scared now... "See I don''t know what you have been told but I''m not such a bad guy..." BANG He...shot...Him... "Come on now don''t go throwing up on my carpet..." Kenny said as he made a sound of disgust "Why, why did you shoot him?" "He was in the way! I wanted to ask you for a favor! You know near your area there is a drug rehabilitation center, and everybody knows that there isn''t a better customer than druggies who want to recover, so what do you say? Can you lend me a hand or are you going to be in the way too?" Kenny asked me as he smiled at my face "You want me to..." "I need you to sell my drugs to recovering druggies, I can''t be more precise" Kenny told me "I don''t want to die..." I mumbled "Then help me, Elias" To prefer evil to good is not in human nature; and when a man is compelled to choose one of two evils, no one will choose the greater when he might have the less. -Plato Days have passed and I''m officially a member of Kenny''s squad in Astronova currently I''m in the building and attending one of the meetings they commonly do In there many people look like total wastes of oxygen and some look D E T E R M I N E to change but one particular person made me almost vomit It was a young girl, maybe a teenager, she looked way too young to be here and she hadn''t said anything yet "Elias wasn''t it? Tell us about your story!" Our helper asked me "I am here to recover from my addiction of course, the problem started when I finished college I was making more money than I needed so I blew it all on drugs and when I got fired I continued this toxic trait until I stopped for a week or so after the drugs made me miss my father''s funeral after some years I got addicted to this new product that has been going around these days it''s very high quality so it made me feel like I was at heaven but since I know how bad it is for me I tried to make myself stop by coming here" The first part of the story was true and the second was half-true, the reality is that I have started taking some of Kenny''s drugs but the part about the quality is false, there is no such thing as a good quality drug The section was held for a bit more and then our helper gave us a 15-minute break I can''t do this... I can''t destroy any more lives than I have already have, GOD if he exists gave me a life and I threw it away I''m bad enough as it is, I shouldn''t made things worse Without realizing it I ended up on the roof, I guess my body was telling me to die, I have been wanting this to happen for a long time but I never dared to do it After all, I''m a low-life lifeform, so pathetic I can''t even take my own life even if I want to "What are you doing at the edge of the building?" It''s the girl in the rehabilitation... wait is she holding a camera? What''s going on? "Why are you recording me?" "Why do you want to throw your life away? Your life is a gift from GOD! You can''t just kill yourself, GOD will send you to hell if you do it..." I feel like she is making fun of me "This is not a game kid!" I told her "Who are you calling a kid? I''m 19!" "That''s basically a kid!" "No it''s not! I can drive, drink, and even marry! A kid can''t do that!" What the hell are we even saying? "Anyway, how old are you anyway? Just because you have a beard I can''t tell if you are 25 or 17!" The girl asked me as she closely inspected my face "I''m 23" "WHAT? AND YOU ARE CALLING ME A KID? YOU ARE ONLY 4 YEARS OLDER!" She madly told me "Okay and? You haven''t gone through anything hard in life, I can tell!" She didn''t seem insulted after I told her that "I know! That''s why you are the hero of my documentary and not me!" "Docume... What the hell are you saying?" "You see my long life dream was to film a movie but since that needs money and resources I decided to film a documentary and what''s better than a drug addict''s road to redemption?" "I never agreed to be in your mov..." "DOCUMENTARY" She said interrupting me "Okay whatever I don''t consent" "Oh really? That''s sad! I already had the opening sequence ready too!" While saying that she showed me footage of me beating up the kid who wanted to buy weed from me some time ago, that was outside of the college I went to, don''t tell me back then she saw me... I think I got myself into a really bad situation Can I Still Find My Peace I can''t believe this is happening to me... This girl managed to record me and now she isn''t me letting do anything else other than film her stupid documentary We are currently at the park near the playground I used to deal at and she is recording... Herself? "Hello everyone! My name is Melissa Sweetgold or Teacher Mel for short! And I''m a student at Astronova College in the phycological department and before I graduate and debut as a top phycologist I will be practicing with my friend Elias, he expressed to me countless times how he wants to change so today I prepared the first chapter of my amazing book "The genesis" a book about self-improvement I will be writing and will soon be up for pre-order to help him" What''s all that crap she is saying? "You are a college student at Astro, that''s why you were able to get footage of me right?" The girl then turned her camera on me and started talking "Well of course! You gave me consent to film your every move while you were under the influence remember?" "I never gave you consent!" "AAAAnd that''s going to get cut from the doc!" Melissa said with a smile on her face as she closed her camera "Are we seriously doing this?" I asked her "You are still not convinced this is happening? I told you! You will help me make the doc and I will try to help you with your problem and I will also not reveal the fact that you know... You are doing the most illegal thing you can possibly do in this city at these times" Melissa said as she pretended to think Might as well get this over with fast... "So you will sit on this table and then I will be reading our "quest" for today, make sure you look a bit bothered, like you haven''t gotten your fix for a while or something" "I thought this was supposed to be honest" "It is! Adding a bit of emotion to enhance the plot isn''t the same as faking something!" She said in the most unconvincing way ever "Sooo, camera, lights, ACTION!!!" Melissa said as if she were a TV producer "Let''s start with chapter one! Realization of the problem! People often tend to ignore the root of their problem and blame the world for what is happening to them despite the world not affecting the subject! Would you say you think like that at times Elias?" Before I could answer she interrupted me "Of course you do! Moving on to a good way to deal with this problem..." "WAIT! You are not supposed to talk you are the cameraman, and why are you even answering questions directed at me in the first place? You are a terrible director!" "First of all, I''m a camera woman, not a man, and second of all I can do whatever I want! This is my special way of directing! If I did it the same way as everybody this documentary would be boring!" "I don''t have time to deal with you kid! Let''s get this thing over so I can proceed with my work!" Melissa chuckled "What work? The one that you tried to escape by jumping off a roof?" I hate that she talks like she knows everything, this thing is a "damned if do damned if I don''t" situation, after I have done his dirty work he will ask for more and more until I can''t do it, resulting in him killing me like he did John "How are we supposed to realize the problem and correct it teach Mel" She looked happy when I said that "I''m glad you asked! First of all, you acknowledge the fact that you are a major part of the problem so that means there''s room for you to grow and develop! So let''s start with something that has proven to improve mental and body health and increase the level of happiness! A jog around the city''s park!" "A jog?" "Why so sad? Running literally helps with everything! I mean look at ME! I have an incredible body and a positive thought process! Unlike you who possibly doesn''t even exercise!" Mel said with a smug in her face, sadly that smugness was quickly removed from her face after I told her my hobby "I do kickboxing so I probably exercise my body more than you" Mel also started to look disoriented as she started peeking at her notes This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. "Hmmm... You got to step two by yourself... So third and last step of this chapter is to socialize with more people... At a public area not in some dark alley exchanging your drugs and stuff!" Mel said with a disgusted tone "And why should I do that? Most of the steps you have written I have completed so I think your very first lesson was a failure, Miss Mel" After I told her that she slammed her notebook shut and got up "GET UP!" She demanded For some reason I was quick to follow, what am I even doing? "We are doing plan B!" She said with a serious expression "Plan B?" It is human nature to think wisely and act in an absurd fashion.-Anatole France Apparently, her genius plan B was to take us to Church and more precisely the Church that her fucking family goes too "So he is one of your classmates huh? He looks... Mature..." Her mother said when Mel introduced me to her Of course, I don''t look like a kid anymore it''s been a year and more since I finished college "I''m sorry for not believing you kid but could you please show me your student ID?" Melissa was sitting in between me and her mom so when she heard that she slowly turned her head toward me with an expression of "We are busted" I had to find something quickly, so I searched everything in my wallet and to my surprise I found my student ID... The only problem is that it''s an ID from my 4th year... I forgot to give it back to the college and they just didn''t care so I kept it I showed her the ID hoping she would believe me and to my surprise she did but she still looked at me suspiciously, thankfully she didn''t look in the back where the information of your year and birthdate is located "Oh I get it you are an upperclassman and you are helping her with her work!" Somehow she made us a base for our lie, a strong one at that "Yeah, that''s what I have been telling you every time Mom!" Mel said as she giggled She is lying to her face... And inside a church too... The pastor then went on and on about GOD and sometime later we all got on our knees and prayed to GOD, I did too, It''s one of the only things I have left but I still kind of neglect him lately After everything was over the pastor gave us a 20-minute break before finishing this section, while everyone was on their break Melissa dragged me to the back of the church where allegedly nobody was going "What the hell are you even thinking about bringing me here? If your mother was a bit sharper we would have been caught!" I told to Melissa She didn''t look happy "What was I supposed to do then idiot? Take you to the college?" "MAYBE DO NOT TAKE ME ANYWHERE YOU ARE ASSOCIATED WITH? Anyway, now it''s done... So you come here every Sunday?" "Pretty much! My mom is a strong Christian so I don''t have a choice either... We have to keep our ties a bit loose for a bit since if my mother figures out I''m "friends" with you then she will eventually call you home and then she will start suspecting you more and more, plus my brother can be a big nuisance when it comes to boys, so he is a problem too..." Melissa said with a troubled expression "How nice! Now I have to worry about your whole family figuring us out!" "HA! I KNEW IT! YOU ARE DATING MELISSA!" My heart skipped a beat, it was Melissa''s mom, was she spying on us? "Mom it''s not what you think!" Melissa said in a way as if she was in a movie "No... My little girl is dating a boy behind my back... Don''t tell me you are having sex secretly!" Melissa became bright red "O-Of course not!" "Why would I even have sex with her? She''s barely an adult!" I think what I said was a bit suspicious "I knew it! You are not the same age as her! How old are you? 30? 40?" She said as she covered her face in agony "God damn ma''am! Do I look this old? I''m 23" "Have you even finished school? You probably don''t even have a stable income or a job at all! In fact, I know you are living off your parents'' money!" Her mother said as she completely ignored what I said "That''s not true ma''am! I pay my bills and I do have a job and I hobby too!" "What hobby doing drugs? And your job? Do you deal the drugs?" I have to say she is sharper than I thought... "It''s not like that Mom! He is a graduate of Astronova College and he is tutoring me for free! He is the brother of my best friend Ness, I was just embarrassed to tell you I''m depending on someone else..." Melissa said with puppy eyes Her mother paused for a moment to think and then quickly got her wallet out of her black purse, she then took a twenty and a ten dollar bill and gave them to me "I''m sorry if this isn''t enough! But I can''t let you do this for free! If my little Melissa takes her degree she will be able to find a job as a private therapist for some people I know! She already is doing some therapy for my friends for practice and she gets a decent wage! As much as I appreciate you for doing this if you lay a hand on my daughter I will cut your pe..." "Okay, that''s enough Mom please let us be! We are discussing some important stuff about school!" Melissa said as she dragged her mom away from our little secret spot She then returned with a clearly embarrassed look on her face, I remember that every girl I knew was embarrassed about their parents for some reason... "I''m sorry about this but my mom can be a bit weird sometimes... Anyway, now you also have a wage for being the protagonist of my document so now you can''t leave for sure!" Melissa said as she chuckled "35$ is what I need to shop stuff for the week if you consider I only eat lunch..." "Okay is not much but don''t forget you are under peer pressure! I can show this to the cops remember?" "Yeah, yeah I get that! Why don''t you do it already? I don''t have any point of existing anyway..." At the moment the reality hit me... What the hell am I even doing with her? Filming a documentary? Playing pretend? Who gave me the right to have such a nice time with a human? I threw away my humanity long ago so I have no right to complain about anything, in fact, I should favor the choice that will hurt me the most since it''s the easier of all... Or ideally the choice that will please humans, no matter what I do for myself I won''t be pleased, it''s hard to please my soul now, only a handful of stuff can do it now but it''s too much of a hassle to do it, I prefer leaving myself barely happy rather than try so hard to make me feel good just for me to fail and make myself feel twice as shitty... Looking at this situation I''m in I can make my life slightly better while helping Melissa... I will make sure to help her because that''s all I will be good for now One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.-Dale Carnegie "You know what Elias?" Melissa asked me as we both were staring at the river above the bridge we were relaxing at "What''s up?" I said as I exhaled smoke from my mouth, it had been long since I last smoked "I noticed that you never look at people''s eyes when you talk to them... Why is that? Do you have a phobia or something? Maybe a traumatic experience when you were a kid?" "I can''t recall something like this... Maybe it''s not one particular event..." When I finished talking Melissa grabbed my head with both of her hands and made me face her "Look into my eyes when you speak to me otherwise I won''t be able to tell who you are talking to" Melissa said with a smile while looking into my eyes I never realized that she had honey eyes, a yellowish shade of brown that could only be described as the color of honey, paired with her light brown hair she looked like the personification of autumn Her hair reminded me of a maple tree and her eyes the sunlight that shined through them, truly nice "I always wanted to look at your green eyes like this but you never gave me the chance to... It''s quite nice since they are very detailed and beautiful! It''s like I''m looking at a damn forest!" Melissa said as she stared amazed "Yours are like honey..." For a moment we paused and stared at each other, then suddenly Melissa let go of my head and started running across the bridge "SUDDEN RUNNING EXERCISE! IT''S GOING TO IMPROVE YOUR SOCIAL ANXIETY" Without thinking twice I started running too "IT''S NOT SOCIAL ANXIETY!" I yelled back at her as if I was in a football match cheering up my team For a moment my mind went blank and I followed the shine of the maple tree that guided me to the then-gloomy park Can I Still Find A Job? Some days have passed and I managed to convince some people in the rehab to become customers of our service but I wouldn''t be the plug, I''m not risking getting caught just because they are an easy target Meanwhile, my job with Kenny is going well I''m kind of forced to get a different job because Melissa wouldn''t let me just do "nothing" So now I''m looking for a quick part-time job, I tried a bookshop at first but they rejected me because our hours didn''t match I then tried the cinema but I was on cleaning duty so I refused once again since I''m not planning to clean for hours, plus at night I do my other work I never actually seriously tried at any job I worked at, I felt like no matter what I did there was someone that did it better so I did everything with a pinch of unfulfillment or I acted as if I was a slave This helped my thought process, by thinking I was forced to do the job I didn''t like I helped myself to push forward and complete the day, day after day I pushed myself hard to make it to the next miserable day every day until the work was over, of course, I had money but it wasn''t enough, I was underpaid in almost every place I worked at I think I was made to do underpaid labor, if I was a Chinese kid dying inside a factory that would have been a proper fate for me, or GOD at least let me exchange my life with a kid that''s brighter and better than I will ever be that is enslaved there I''m not worthy of my liberation ¡­ "You have been slacking, haven''t you? I can tell because you have been looking worse and worse as the days pass, but don''t worry teacher Mel has come to your rescue!" Melissa said as she pulled a job application paper out of her college bag "What is this?" I asked confused not expecting something great "The university is looking for graduates willing to do fulfillment lessons for first-year students and occasionally work as a helper that will do extra hours for students willing to pay to study more, and the pay is not half bad! You get a small payment after every lesson plus you get to eat at the cafeteria for free! See? Two in one!" Melissa''s work proposal didn''t sound half as bad but I''m not as sharp as I used to be at my major so I''m not sure if I''m up to do this, I kind of hate my university so going back there again isn''t really something I want to do "Go on answer you want it or not?'' Melissa asked with a mad expression "I guess that would be good but do I really have to work at my uni? I don''t really want to return back to the same people I wasted four years with" "But that''s your only option! Plus your possible future job is fitting for my new improvement quest I have for you" "So now we are calling them quests?" "Precisely!" Why am I even trying to make sense of her doings, nothing she does makes sense from the first time they met, she stops me from suicide, she then proceeds to take me hostage and film me for some stupid document she is trying to record which doesn''t make so much sense because she is a phycology student, I don''t think there is a project that requires a video or something "I will check it out tomorrow now it''s the evening I don''t think the university is open now" Melissa looked at me with a smirk "You know that the university is open until midnight right?" "Still I don''t plan on visiting it today" "Why do you have something better to do? Of course, you don''t! You are unemployed!" This way of teasing is quite annoying "A bus will pass through the plaza not long from here in a bit, let''s go there to wait for the bus" Melissa said as she got up, she then turned off her camera "Finally you stopped recording everything!" I said as a joke "Yeah, we don''t really want to leak our location or the places we relax! Because if we become famous out of the documentary everyone will start to visit these places disturbing the silence of the people and occupying our chill spots" I like how she thinks more than ten people will take an interest in this document... Humans will be quick to think that they are forced to do something they are scared doing "The bus is here! Quick get up!" Melissa got onto the bus and used her university I.D to get a free ride to the university, I on the other hand paid a dollar to go, it was this cheap because it was one of the university''s buses Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work! We arrived at that damned place again, I saw some familiar faces and some fresh ones while walking inside the campus, I expected to see their face here after all humans tend to chase pleasure over hard work "Hey I have class now so just go to the computer science department and find teacher Brown" "Wait I have to help Mr. Brown?" I didn''t know how to feel, Mr. Brown was one of my favorite teachers since he was laid back and allowed me to be a bit late if I had "work" to do, he is truly someone special to me "Okay, when does your lesson end?" "I have three hours" "Are you serious?" Melissa simply nodded and left me alone, I guess she prefers afternoon classes, well most people preferred them when I went so I guess it''s not insane I walked the corridors of the university which felt oddly warm and thick aired, that''s the best way I could describe them, it just felt difficult to breathe "Elias Olli? Is it that really you?" Mr. Brown looked happy to see me I wonder if I looked the same to him as I did back then "Yo" "Yo? Come on you are a whole man now! You should have a greater vocabulary than that!" Mr. Brown told me as he slapped the back of my back I forgot he liked to get physical like that "I came for the fulfillment but why is there a position like that in the first place? What happened to wannabe last-year students that offered to teach?" Mr. Brown''s eyes opened wide and he let out a big laugh "Times are hard kid, many stray away from our department of coding since we are considered a lower-class university even though we have two of the best departments in the country, the phycology and law departments are top-notch, try finding a girl there to take home if you don''t have already because that''s the top tier women in this country" I realized that phycology was a difficult subject, especially in this university but being the best makes it impressive, I wonder how Melissa managed to get in... She must be bright, not like me "So when do I start?" I asked Mr. Brown with an uninterested tone "Well after an hour! I will be done and then you are going to help the newbies by doing some basic bubble sorting! Do you think you can handle them?" "If it is just that then it''s a piece of cake! How many hours do I get to do it and how much am I going to get paid?" "Just one hour and you will get 20$ plus we have an open position for janitors in the phycology department, they pay more than this, are you interested in that?" While we discussed Mr. Brown and I went to the cafeteria to drink coffee, we saw many students who looked at us in a weird way That makes sense... We are 2 months deep into the year and they say a new face talking with one of the best teachers "So you worked on Vita huh? It had a pretty tragic end as a company, you look quite well though considering you are unemployed, you grew up a lot too" "Should we really talk here Mr. Brown? Wouldn''t it be weird for people to see you with someone like me?" Mr. Brown was unbothered by what I said and the opinion of the crowd, he always was something like a monk to my eyes, practicing his art until he mastered it and ignoring all the negative energy around him "Call me Brown now! Or heck even call me by my first name! We are like coworkers!" "I''m not near as good as you, plus I''m also a janitor now so consider me inferior? I don''t know how the social spectrum works with me..." Brown looked stunned when I told him that "Why are you speaking in such a way about yourself? I realize you feel inferior taking a job like this of a janitor but you should consider me or anyone above you Elias, you are human just like all of us, we shouldn''t be considered superior" Yeah he doesn''t know what he is talking about, he surely is a respectable and wise human but me? I can hardly call myself that anymore but he refuses to see that, what is it that he sees inside such a loser like me? Unfortunately, it is human nature for us to only learn and grow from a place of emptiness. It''s hard to learn when we are winning and on top of the world. -Yehuda Berg "What are you doing here?" Melissa whispered to me as she passed by me I was cleaning the floor near her classroom and inevitably she bumped up into me when she was walking with her friends "What does it look like I''m doing? I''m cleaning?" Melissa looked like I screamed her deepest fears when I answered her with a somewhat normal tone Suddenly one of her friends got in front of her "What are you doing?" "What are YOU doing? I just mopped this place" "I don''t give a shit! Why the hell are you harassing my friend?" "I didn''t..." "Come on now Sara I just asked him what he is doing here because some friends of mine saw him lecturing people and seeing him clean confused me" "Huh? Do you mean he pretends to be a teacher?" "Ladies Mr. Elias is a coworker of mine so cease harassing him at once!" Mr. Brown had rescued me luckily My mind had gone blank for the moment, I didn''t think, and I didn''t consider what I would do to Melissa if I spoke loud, I thought I was somebody for a moment after hanging out with Mr. Brown "Sorry Mister! Now Sara don''t ever yell at somebody..." Melissa''s voice slowly faded as she took off with her friends "You still can''t stand up to yourself, huh? I thought you grew a lot but you are still you, I''m glad!" Why does he look happy about that? Was the pathetic me so likable? Well... The pathetic me is now, yesterday, and in the future too, but I''m not likable at all "My shift is done but why are you here? Weren''t you supposed to leave a long time now?" "I had work to do, anyway I don''t have anything to do and I don''t plan on going home right on! My wife isn''t going to let me rest there so how about we go out for a beer?" I want to go but I don''t plan on spending my money on alcohol "Come on man my treat!" Brown said with puppy eyes I wouldn''t like to disappoint Mr. Brown so I tagged along to a bar of his choice, he says many students visit this place and I could tell by the people drinking there, and because it also brought back an old memory of mine, I used to go to this bar too when I first arrived at the university, when I had the first friends there Well not exactly friends because it''s this awkward thing when everyone wants friends because they are in a new land but don''t know if they fit so they befriend everyone, I was like that back then too "What''s on your mind?" Brown suddenly asked me as he enjoyed drinking his draft beer "Nothing right now! I just wished I was more like you in certain ways..." "Oh? Why is that? You seem completely fine to me" "I just envy your confidence and the fact that you never take a step back when making one important decision" "I never take a step back? I have taken more steps back in this year than I will ever take a step forward in my whole life, everyone takes steps back even the most strong people you see on the TV or anywhere else in the world!" After telling me all that Brown went to the bathroom before leaving and I went out for a cigarette Someone approached me, he appeared to know me Before I got to ask him he told me he needed whatever I got, he was holding a 100$ bill, it was enough for me to sell out everything... He looked like he was in a very bad state in his life and he also was very drunk I handed him the drugs while grabbing the money I feel no shame anymore it seems...