《Me, Myself and I》


 The Prologue

    Where do I begin? Right, I should introduce myself first. My name is H.S. as this was written I am 22 years old. This is my biography, this is the story about my entire life that happened so far. I wrote this because I¡¯m currently suffering from isonomic and I don¡¯t have anything else to do. Now that introduction is over, lets begin my story.


    I was born to an affair of my parents; my father was a married man and he took my mother as his second wife while he¡¯s still married. While my mother know that he was a married man, she¡¯s still stayed with him for over ten years before I was born. I really wonder why was she in love with a married man? Was it because of his money? Did it start with money and she slowly love him for real? Whenever I asked her, she always answer me that it starts with money but she was truly in love with him even when he found new lovers. I couldn¡¯t confirm or deny her statement because as far as I remember it was always her and me. She is a very loving mother; this is something that I can confirmed. She shows this fact again and again despite the fact that I constantly broke her heart. Was I angry toward my father for leaving us? No, I never was. It¡¯s hard to hate the man that give you money despite when he¡¯s separate from your mother. For those who live in a better world, child support is a foreign term in where I was born. Child support is something done out of love not forced by law so even if he cuts all contacts, I wouldn¡¯t be angry at him. There are a few other reasons that I don¡¯t hate him. For starter, my mother left the fact that I¡¯m born from an affair for almost 16 years¡­ for the first 16 years, I only know that he left us for his new lovers when he fell out of love toward my mother. Another reason is hating someone who lost his left side sensation due to diabetes and high blood pressure is really tasteless. All I hear about him from my mother was always great things. Some of you might call her a home wrecker and a gold digger but I won¡¯t be angry toward you. After all you are just strangers whom I don¡¯t even know who read it on the other side of this screen, you are entitled to your own opinions so feel free to give your response in the comment section. From the few times I met him when he took me out for food and gave me money, I could say that he was a pitiful man. All the money he got was depleted when he fell due to his illness. To make my mother happy I never told this fact toward her. Whenever she asks me how I feel toward him, I always said what she wants to hear. Hiding my true feeling towards him from my mother. There is another reason that I¡¯m grateful toward him, when I was 2 years old, I almost lost my life when I had an accident. Only with his money that I was saved and alive till today writing this story. Enough about my father, let¡¯s talk more about my mother instead. She is one of the greatest mothers I could ask for, despite growing up poor with no money she always tried her best to give me the best thing she cans afford. Even at the expense of her own. Luckily when I was 5, I managed to enroll to a charity organizations school. This school taught me many things. I spent more than half my 22 years of life studying in this school. These foundations fund my study of English and give me a proper education. I can¡¯t really imagine what my life looks like if I wasn¡¯t enrolled into this school. Considering how poor my family is, I doubt I could learn this kind of English in normal school. Its name is Transform Cambodia, if you see this story then I want to thank you again formally for everything you done for me and I¡¯m really grateful for your generosity in funding of education for children that couldn¡¯t afford it.


    I have many memories in this school, the good one and the bad one. Since I spent my entire childhood and teen in this school after all.


    Let me tell you about this school system. They are Christianity foundations that was funded by Christian in Australia, they care deeply about children education. When I enrolled there are only 3 centers and each center content 100 children. I was in c3, and no they have good intentions so please don¡¯t give creepy joke about them in the comments since I won¡¯t tolerate this. You are entitled to your options for this topic as long as you don¡¯t share it in the comments section. I was always a smart kid so I stand out really well during my childhood, but my entire personality is a mess. I was raised by a single mother whose love spoiled me. I can¡¯t connect well with people and since I¡¯m incredibly skinny I was often bullied. No, this is not some movie where I was bullied because of being fatherless or poor but because I¡¯m too skinny and can¡¯t stand up for myself. Nobody touch on the subject of me having no father because this school is for the unfortunate students, looking back having no father has never been the reason of me being bullied. But it¡¯s because I was always a smartass and can¡¯t connect with other. Since I was young, I was always proud of my intelligent, I do suffer from ADHD but I was never diagnosed until adulthood so that might be another reason I was bullied. But even if I was diagnosed, I doubt anything would change because this country lumps all mental illness into being crazy after all. I can¡¯t expect much from the people who called an entire black people ¡°n*****¡± slang in my language and white people either ¡°French¡± or ¡°American¡±. There is one thing I still think to this day ¡°I¡¯m surrounded by ignorant people.¡±. Because of that mindset and the fact, I don¡¯t know how to be humble I could never connect and have friends like other people, despite spending almost 8 hours with most of them for 4 years I can¡¯t call any of them best friend at all. Yes, I don¡¯t take the word ¡°friend¡± lightly. So, we were classmates and acquaintances but not friend. But when I was young, I never know the difference between a true friend and acquaintance. So, I put myself in vulnerable position that let others hurt me. Those I consider to be my friend never treat me the same way I treat them. I was just someone smart who they can take advantage of or a pitiful classmate they talk to out of pity. But there is one person whom I could say to be my friend since she never takes advantage of me and never stab me when I was vulnerable. But I never treat her as one when I was young, since I love her so much that I don¡¯t know how to treat her. Just like normal boy I always treat her harshly because I don¡¯t know how to convey the feeling towards a girl. I¡¯m a skinny smartass who too insecure to make friend with girls. They said first love is magical and unforgettable, I can¡¯t help but agree. Since even after all these years even after all being rejected, I am still in love with her. During my student time with her I never once confessed. When I was a kid, I love her because she was someone who I consider to be my rival in intelligent but that was just a minor crush. When I was 10 years old, I begin to realize my feeling and somehow managed to make a few friends with boys and on good talking term with the girls. I was quite mature for ten years old. I could say that during my grade 6 is my most memorable time. You see from where I come from school only last 4 hours and since the foundation, I attend only teach bible and English, they also funded my studies of my own language in public school. My grade 6 teacher was the most memorable person, I still remember her name since she was such a great teacher. Public school teacher is like most teacher from other countries, most of them only there for paycheck but this country takes it one step further. The teacher collect money from students too because their paycheck is even worse than factory worker. The teacher doesn¡¯t really like poor students since we can¡¯t give them much money but my grade 6 teacher was the fairest person, she never demanded a specific amount of money from students and even as little as 0.10$ help and if you don¡¯t have money you don¡¯t need to give it to her. For perspective, my breakfast cost 0.25$ and my allowance is 0.75$. The foundations school give me lunch so I only need to worry about water and some snacks. Right let get back on track. Where do I leave of? Aha, remember the name of the foundations? You see they really love transform and changing since teachers often go and changing from one center to another center. At this point in time there are 6 centers. Did I tell you that I am also a teacher¡¯s pet? If you could relate to children then you also know that teacher pet is often target of bullying. It¡¯s like I do it internationally to be a target of bullying. I¡¯m someone who give the most reaction toward teasing and a crybaby. Since I was smaller than the other kids and have a shitty personality of not knowing how to fist fight, I¡¯m a really great target for bullying. Did I tell all of these to you so I could gain your sympathy? No, I don¡¯t give a fuck about your sympathy. It¡¯s just that this is the cheapest way of ranting and telling my story without spending money on therapy. I¡¯ll try my best to answer all your questions when you read my story. If this bored you then you can just leave since this story will be not interesting at all. It¡¯s just a depression story without filter or lies. I think I get off track again. During my grade 6 the management of TC thought of a good idea. It¡¯s to exchange students from c1 with c3. What the criteria for the exchange of students you might ask? It¡¯s simple, intelligent and their size. C1 will be for students who are great students and bigger and C3 will be for those who are slow and small. Let¡¯s guess which center was I assign to?


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    ****Spoiler**** if you haven¡¯t guessed then you shouldn¡¯t read the answer: c3. That¡¯s right despite of being smarter than most kids I was assigned to c3 because the fact that I was smaller than most kids. Let just say at that time I throw a huge tantrum. All the hard earning friends whom I can share my feeling with and the only person I love are going to c1 while I¡¯m left to rot with stupid and problematic kids of both c3 and former C1 kids. I ask myself what did I do to deserve all of these? Wow thank you God for your trail of my faith. I¡¯m sure you want to test my faith in you when you gave me this trail but you see I don¡¯t lose faith at all despite felling this test He gave me. Is it because I¡¯m too arrogant and think I¡¯m better than everyone? Is it because the teachers want me to experience new thing and get out of my comfort zone? You see, asking someone whom is a train wreck was a bad idea. It took me 4 years to make a few friends despite being a snotty nose brat. Do you think I would fare better when I¡¯m 10 and could think more complex than before? Actually, I protest like 6 years old who throw tantrum. I begin to skipped school. I was the smart kid, former teacher¡¯s pet who throw tantrum by skipping class. Where do I go when I skip class? The internet caf¨¦ alone playing game. Some of you might ask this ¡°how did 10 years old can skip class and entering an internet caf¨¦?¡± well my answer to you is if you read it this far and can¡¯t find answer then you should really read this story again and again for a few times. You will know that the country I was born in have one of the worst education systems. I can¡¯t believe internet caf¨¦ was legal when they openly let kids and children enter during school hours. If I could turn back time and stay as an adult, I would run for president of education ministry and outlaw those assholes. I am always an opportunist rule breaker and criminal. But thank God that the foundations that was funded by Australia and Christian aren¡¯t like my countries education systems. Since I get lost easily, I only enter internet caf¨¦ on the route to school and my house. So, finding me and dragging me from the internet caf¨¦ wasn¡¯t hard. But since I was a cunt and I never get a taste of consequences before I never learned my lesson and skip school after two weeks of lectures. I don¡¯t know what was I thinking when I enter the same place I was found at last time. Maybe I¡¯m not as smart as I think I am. Obviously I¡¯m not as smart as I think. I was just a frog in a well who egos were feed by those surrounding me. I might be the smartest in a class but I¡¯m not the brightest when it comes to breaking rule or anything else in general. Even my English that I¡¯m so proud of is a mess. If you are reading this and think you can be an editor, please contact me. Since I really need an editor for my work. Depend on when you are reading this you might be paid or this could be volunteering work. Ah shit I¡¯m getting of track again. Where did I leave off again? Wait I¡¯ll just go read the above again. Forget it, since it¡¯s 3 am now I¡¯ll go to sleep now. I¡¯ll update this story when I have another sleepless night. It could be tomorrow since that is my birthday and I have no relationship I don¡¯t celebrate it at all. What a life I¡¯m living in.

 First comment can just name it since Im lazy

    Where did we left off last time? Was it about my broken English skill? Oh right today is my birthday. Since I write everything straight from my head I don¡¯t edit anything at all. So, deal with it. Hmmmmmm, let me think first which part I left off last time¡­ right it¡¯s the part about me skipping school. You see after a 4-5 times of my continues stunt my mother had enough and come to school. She begged the manager at that time to transfer me to c1. How long do you think it takes for my mother to come to school? It¡¯s almost a year. I don¡¯t remember how but despite skipping school so much I got a best friend. Someone who was left behind like me his name is H.C.N. What? Do you think I will give you his real name? I have no problem giving you my real name but other people name is out of the question. Since, I don¡¯t care what happened to me and I¡¯m too unimportant and busy to care about people doxxing me. I have no problem giving you my FB if I feel like it. Ah right I love money. I would give you all my information at the right price. So if you¡¯re interested you can contact me. Shit, I¡¯m getting off track again. After a year of me throwing tantrum by skipping school, my teacher decide to fulfill my wish(?) of transferring me to c1. At that time I¡¯m entering grade 7 and changing school. And I have to left one other best friend from the public school because c1 study at a different middle school. I don¡¯t know whether I was happy or sad at that time. See people! It¡¯s impossible to please someone. You keep him in c3 he was throwing tantrum but when you decide to transferring him to c1 he became sad and later on blame your decision. It¡¯s better to ignore that toxic person. Unfortunately that toxic person is me. God, looking back I wasn¡¯t just a smartass, teacher¡¯s pet and cunt, I was also fuxking toxic. Hmmmm will this be taken down by all the swear word? I never understand why people are against swear words but half nude, genocide, lolicon anime are okay. What a difficult world to live in. My new school is a private school where most students before we came are middle class. What do you think happened when you suddenly cram 30 new students into a classroom of 14-15 students? Yes, it¡¯s chaos. It¡¯s like we wage war in the classroom. At this point in time I was so mature that I have the mentality of a teenager. Yup despite being 12 I have the moody rebellious attitude of someone 17, I¡¯m still cringe at that moment. You see until recently I believe that grade 7 is the most regrettable year of my life. I spiral out of control during this year. My ADHD was in full swing during those time. I really wish I know and take medication at that time. Trust me kid, taking mental health medication is really important. Unless you are born in a third world country like me then you should diagnosed for any mental health from when you¡¯re young. Sometime you aren¡¯t just moody because you¡¯re going through hormones. Wait, did my ADHD in full swing at that time because I was going through puberty? Probably since I masturbate so many times per day during those time. Oh, the good old days when I still have lust. I remember my favorite genre at that time since it¡¯s how someone I consider brother use to stab me. Remember, never lend your phone to anyone if you have porn on it. Your search history could be your most embrassing memory. I really wonder why at that time I care too much about what people said? Gosh this is something I should realize early on. Because I care too much about what others said I hurt the only person who was always there for me. Who was someone who love me from the beginning, she¡¯s my mother. When I was in grade 4 she had a surgery to remove a mass at her neck. Since I¡¯m too lazy to search for the correct term then you need to deal with this. Because the doctor afraid that it could be cancer they had to remove everything, including the sack for storing calcium and hormones (? Not sure about this term in English so if you¡¯re a doctor you can correct me on this part), her immune system and health deteriorated. So she can¡¯t work well as before anymore. Oh right did I tell you that my mother remarried? I probably didn¡¯t. She remarried a solider who I hate. You see I really hate the idea of stepfather. He never hit me or my mother, he wasn¡¯t abusive or anything. I just hate the idea of it. When he was drunk he talks so much though. I really hate him at that time but I never realized that people would hate me too if I talk too much. I was a chatterbox with the correct people. I annoyed everyone around me because of how I act. I don¡¯t need to be drunk to be a chatterbox. I¡¯m naturally one. Everything was so scary during this time for the first three months at the new school. Because I was study at a different shift than my old c3 buddies, I was incredibly lonely. Despite still having a crush on my first love, I fell for many people during this time. No, I don¡¯t want to sleep with them because I watch porn. I was drawn to the pretty things around me but it wasn¡¯t sexual. Looking back I don¡¯t think it was love, it was just loneliness. I yearn for affection so much that I mistaken it for romantic love. Remember the asshole that use my search history against me? If you are reading this then let me tell you one thing. I still fuxking hate you, you are the reason I detest those who wear a smile mask and scheme behind people¡¯s back til today. But I also want to thank you for teaching me this important lesson from when I was 12. It¡¯s better you don¡¯t share personal secret with others unless you are half crazy like me. Since I don¡¯t make friends anymore I don¡¯t really care much. I have no reputation to hold and nothing to lose. Apparently you can t lost anything if you have nothing. Like they said ¡°you can¡¯t lose what you don¡¯t have¡±. No, I don¡¯t want friends on the internet, and your definition of friend and mine are probably different. I do need people who listen to me on the other side though. In a sense all of you are wall and garbage can that I throw all my worries away that I can¡¯t with anyone in real life. And friend aren¡¯t use as garbage can for your emotions. If you can afford it you should go to therapy but the internet is another option. But being stupid on the internet tend to lead to trolls. Should I just finish it here and continue another night where I can¡¯t sleep? Probably since today I took a sleeping pill so I¡¯ll be going to sleep first. Goodnight if you are reading it at night.


    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

 Religion

    Should we continue the story from last time? Gosh, this time wasn¡¯t written at night. Modern medicine is really the effective. Let¡¯s see where do I left off last time¡­¡­. Right, I was talking about that bastard. He is a lying piece of shit who wear the mask of a saint. He¡¯s taught me many life lessons that I use to live my life right now. This is an important lesson that I believe people should take note: ¡°Never trust anyone with a secret that could affect your daily life.¡± Even if that person is someone you love dearly or trust dearly. Human emotions are incredibly fickle and relationship could lose at any given moment. Human are so fragile in this mess up world that we live in anything could happens at any time. I really hope that this lesson helps you in improving your relationship. That is the truth. You see I always hate the quote ¡°Learn from your mistake¡± why didn¡¯t they just say ¡°Learn from other mistakes¡±? Think about it, in this era where you can get all kind of information at the tip of your finger. Why can¡¯t you learn from others mistake and not repeat the same one as them. And that is the reason why I don¡¯t understand why the current world leaders trying to repeat the same mistakes that we made for the past few centuries. This is a trigger warning; I¡¯m going to touch on all kind of subjects. Religions, politic and mental issues. So, if any of this subject offend you then it¡¯s better you get off this train because I¡¯m going to tear the religious people apart, especially the Abrahamic religions. If you read the story properly, you probably know that I was taught in a Christian school. Whether I like it or not I was taught about Christianity for over ten years. The recent war makes me interest in the whole Abrahamic religion as a whole. I can¡¯t believe you fighting over a land that was given to the ancient Israelites. Did we ignore the part that God punish jews whenever they stray from his path? I firmly believe that ¡°God¡± is the most evil being ever created in mainstream literacy. How could a being led a group of ungrateful people from the dessert and make them commit genocide on multiple cities consider to be a benevolent God? For this topic, I¡¯m really curious about what most people think about this topic. And for Muslim is even more ridiculous, as if a jealous toxic God isn¡¯t enough you add a douche bag politician who use religion as a mean to feed his ego. How did you accept a pedophile to be a prophet anyway? How did people ignore these two red flags? Christianity is the better one of the bunch in my opinion. At least in the new testament Jesus only preach about love and forgiveness. But most of his disciples are really jerks. Pretend to not know you when you carry a cross is really a dick move. It remind me of many people in my life, if Jesus was a separate God from the old testament, I would worship him but he¡¯s apparently the son of the almighty God who can¡¯t think of a better way to convince people that Jesus is the one and only son of His. For someone who claims to know everything about the universe, He seems to always make dumb decisions. Do you want to separate your religion from Buddhism or something? I mean one gives up the throne for enlightenment and another come down from the almighty heaven to earth as if earth is such filthy place. What do I think of Buddhism? I think it¡¯s the best religion and should become the world religions. But Buddhism is not a good religion to fool the mass into making dumb decisions and it doesn¡¯t spread with war and colonization like the Abrahamic religion at all. If you ask me why Muslim is the fastest religion then my answer is simple, when those extremist make a law that control women and killed off those who try to leave your religion it¡¯s kinda hard not to easily brainwashed people. The few extremist of religious people cause the suffering of the rest of the world. If you said that I¡¯m wrong then try to explain 9/11 to me. Because a few asshole decide that they will sacrifice their life for the wrong cause, US have a legitimate reason to invade the middle east and sow chaos for decades. Most good Arabs are call terrorist and racism against them become skyrocket. It takes only a few bad apple in your religion to sow chaos in this world, something like this is better not exist at all. Patriotism and religion are the best world to control the mass. When Hitler call Germany the chosen race, the rest of the world hate Germans but when Israel was call the blessed people by God, we got one of the most mess up religion in today world. This religion is pretty much a cult. I¡¯m genuinely wonder how can you ignore the old testament and act like you are doing God works in converting others? If you are religious and still read til this part I really hope you can answer in the comment section. Wow, I was so focus on this topic that I¡¯m sidetracked from the real issues. But I¡¯ll let this chapter end here because I really want answer to my question.


    Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

 Emotion

    Today, we have a special chapter. Am I high again? I never get high from drug but is this what getting high is like. What a joyous day today is. It¡¯s my birthday and the best present I get is I managed to get under the skin of someone who hate and judge me without knowing me at all. Let me summary something about her for all of you first. She¡¯s my cousin who I never done any bad deeds toward her directly, but she hates me more than filth. Sure, I stole from her mother when I was a young kid but my aunt was a bigger person who never abandoned me or hate me. She gave me second, third and fourth chance until I straightened myself but apparently her daughter hate me with a passion. I really wonder why I always encounter scheming people who wore a mask in front of other but look down on people behind their back? What kind of ill-fated relationship I done with them in my past life that wherever I go I meet this kind of people. I¡¯m currently working under her as a pricing assistant and factories finder. To sum up what my job description is ¡°finding new international factory to import goods in¡± and ¡°negotiate the price with factories¡±. But I can do many other jobs too for example HR and sale. But I don¡¯t get paid for those. My salary is 300$ for my job description. Yep, it¡¯s only 300$. My rent is 80$, I pay the bank every month 150$ and I¡¯m only left with 70$ to spend for the rest of the month. It¡¯s a job from 8am-5pm but could get unpaid overtime too. Yes, you read that right. I am expect to put OT without getting paid too. Hahahaha, this is one of the best job there is. But I still stick with it is because my consequences catch up to me and I drop out of high school. Despite my skill in other fields, I can¡¯t find a job because I don¡¯t have a piece of paper that prove I spend 4-6 years in college. I spent the past 6 years of my life working as a delivery man. My first delivery job is also with her. Do you want to guess what my salary was at that time? This time I won¡¯t answer you on this page. You only get the answer in my Patreon. Most people love to criticize me that I love money too much. I really wish I can say it to their face that ¡°Go fuxk yourself¡±, you should only say that to me if you can spend my measly salary and survive a whole month with a sick mother. If you can¡¯t do it then don¡¯t say I¡¯m too greedy. With enough money I can solve 80% of my problems. So I¡¯m going to be shameless and ask for donation. I really hate charity so I¡¯ll exchange my novel for those donations. This is the most clean way of earning money. I get money without compromising my beliefs at all. If you call me shameless then you are right. I have zero shame I¡¯m someone who have nothing and aren¡¯t afraid to say it. What the point of pride when you lost one of the most prideful quality of yourself. That¡¯s right me dropping out is the most embrassing thing. Someone who used to look down on other is now a dropout. How ironic. Maybe this is a way of god teaching me about humbleness. For your information I¡¯m not an atheist. Just because I deny religion doesn¡¯t mean I don¡¯t believe in god. I just believe that God is a pos of don¡¯t give a fuck about human at all. Just like how we human enjoy a good story, some character tragedy. God in my opinion is the same. I believe an author is a creator and reader are godlike being to those inside the book. Ahhhh, I get sidetracked again. Gofdsndkdjdj¡­. Where do I left off again? Right I manage to drag my cousin from her morale high ground down to my level you know what I should just forarded our conversation into this place.


    Soksan:


    I¡¯m curious about something


    Do I get a referral fee if he is hired and can work well?


    And did HR tell you yet about my leave of absence on Monday?


    I ask for permission 2 weeks beforehand


    If you don¡¯t agree about my leave of absence I can come to work normally


    I really hope that you didn¡¯t ask me to run around looking for a perfect candidate for free


    You already know that I¡¯m selfish and love money after all


    I need it to paid off my debts and my medicine is also hella expensive


    If you are looking for new HR I could also do it for you too but not for free


    RD:


    We do not have referrals program


    U can recommend ur friend but we do not have any referral benefit so far if we hire anyone recommends from the team


    Soksan:


    But you do pay the agency for new recruit


    ¡°Know your worth¡±


    Right now I¡¯m just negotiating with you


    I¡¯m not demanding anything


    I¡¯ll only take half the fee after he completed probation and you like his work


    Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    And the other half when he¡¯s worked for a year


    You are in urgent need of staff and I provide that service to you


    I save the company money that you would invest in agency to look for new recruit


    I don¡¯t really care whether he gets the job or not


    And again he¡¯s not my friend


    If you agree to my term then I¡¯ll look for HR who have experience in that field for you too


    If not then I don¡¯t think I should look around like a madman for simply ¡°thank you¡±


    ¡°Leverage¡±


    Unlike agencies who charge an upfront fee I only charge when you like the work


    Nobody would pay to read a garbage novel


    In case you forget ¡°recruiting new staff¡± wasn¡¯t in my job description


    RD:


    You are a bit too much


    I know u need money but you are a bit too much.


    Please do not negotiate this with me. This is not in our policy now.


    And I don¡¯t like the way u approach things with me like this.


    Don¡¯t do this to me again, if u do not want to help just stop. No need to look for anyone. Thanks!


    Soksan:


    Okay, I only want to know will my hard work be rewarded or not


    I¡¯ll try to recommend great HR to you too since having a great HR in the company would ultimately benefit me


    Since you already know what kind of person I am, I don¡¯t need to pretend and be a good boy who only agreed to your policy


    Don¡¯t worry, I know the line of work and personal


    I¡¯ll give my all in my position since I really love to prove you wrong


    Fyi she taught the employee skill of sale a few days before. And when I put her lesson into practice this is what I get. Lmao, I know you are a hypocrite but this level is really amazing. How can you teach people how to be a good sale when you don¡¯t bite your own technique. I¡¯m laughing so hard that my side hurt now. Wow, that felt so good. Some of you might be wondering why I can talk shit like this to my boss. Because I plan this for a long time. I applied for a position that people love to resign and work extremely hard. Making other pricing assistant have no work to do. Make everyone in the company rely on me and now I can say shit all I want because two of pricing assistants already resign and one more is debating on resigning too. Leaving with only one competent pricing assistant that all sales and the company need is me. I don¡¯t give a shit whether I lost this job or not since working as Grab driver give me more money than this. The only reason I do this job is because I love to mess with her. I love to peel off the mask of hypocrite. Drag them down from their high horse down to my level. What can I lose when I don¡¯t have anything? In a sense I¡¯m like those terrorist who strap a bomb and suicide bombing. The only difference is I only target one person. I leave my higher salary job for worse one because I love messing with her. Hypocrite are really fun to mess with. I used to be one so I know incredibly well how to mess with one. All of these year of being bullied finally come into play. All the technique people use to get the most reaction from me is what I currently do to her. Me and her are just a different side of the same coin. Don¡¯t act so high and mighty. You are just like me, selfish and toxic. The only difference is I embrace everything about myself and you don¡¯t. You have many things to lose and I don¡¯t. I¡¯m going to do a good job in your company and give you the truth about my feeling till the day you decide that you have enough and fire me. Then I¡¯m going to drag you to court for unlawful employee termination. I really look forward to our future psychical warfare. Unless you show your truth color and admit that you are a hypocrite and say you¡¯re a selfish toxic person in front of everyone, I won¡¯t stop. Because I only get this job to get under your skin. You see I¡¯m the worst person. I stole from those love me. I stole my mother money and my aunt money. My aunt is like my second mother. Unlike my mother, she doesn¡¯t spoil me but she always forgive me no matter how many times I repeat the same mistakes. They said that everyone deserves a second chance. But you see I am a bad person who repeat the same mistakes again and again until I drop out and start working. When I earn money by myself, I know how hard it is to save up each dollar. And my obsession for money start, if there is a chance that I can enter a proper mental facility treatment I would love to be diagnosed about all my mental illness. Because as I write this I realized something. It¡¯s my obsession. First it¡¯s study to be number 1, then it¡¯s gaming, then it¡¯s my first love and now it¡¯s money. Did I just change the target of obsession over the years? Hmmmmm¡­ am I just overthinking or do I suffer from more than one type of mental illness. Oh by the way did I tell you that I¡¯m diagnosed with ADHD? If I didn¡¯t then now you know. If a therapist or someone with this kind of illness read it please tell me what am I suffering from. Since I write all my problems here so you don¡¯t have to worry about me hiding any information. If some of you realize who I am then it¡¯s great. Is any of you who read this know of Hatigarm scan or Ash? You see back then I used the nickname of Keima on discord. I tried to publicity my suicide on the discord. But because of my lying nature and pride I lied to them that I tried to commit suicide because I¡¯m suffering from cancer. I remember you making GoFundMe without my knowledge to fund my surgery. I want to clear the misunderstanding at that time. The suicide part is real but the cancer is fake. I care so much that I can¡¯t say I tried to commit suicide because I¡¯m tired and wanting to give up. If you are thinking that it¡¯s because of mental illness then it¡¯s also wrong. Because at that time I don¡¯t even know I had ADHD, the reason I lied is because I don¡¯t want to be appear weak and call a quitter. So I keep up with the lie of cancer. But that lie catch up too quickly. If you are wondering about the GoFundMe then I never got the money. I wasn¡¯t the one who start it after all. So all of you here don¡¯t start assuming shit and do things without my permission. I don¡¯t like charity, if you sponsors me in Patreon it¡¯s just marely a deal between you and me. You get special privilaAnf I get the money that I love. Wait what was the topic I want to talk about again? Ahhh wait a minute since I¡¯m going back to read everything first. Right, sometimes people could only change for the better when they were given multiple times of change. But this rule isn¡¯t absolute. Sometime people doesn¡¯t deserve second chance. I am suddenly remember about Kiteman¡­. I think the sleeping pill is kicking in now. I¡¯ll update the story tomorrow.

 Cover and Contents

    Do you know what kind of experience I learn when I was a grab driver? It¡¯s that people only see the outer appearance and judge it. Whenever I tried to enter Borey, the security at the gate will check the content of my box and my motor. If you aren¡¯t familiar with the word ¡°Borey¡± you can Google it. I¡¯m too lazy to explain it since this word meaning is really hard to translate into English.


    Every time people see me they judge me as a delivery person, someone poor and could be a thieve without even knowing what kind of person I am. Sure, I did stole something from my family but that¡¯s all. I am an opportunist who only stole from my own fuxking family who love me. God, I really am a pos. Every time I reminded of that I realized what kind of toxic person I am. First step in changing to a better future is realizing that you are the ¡°PROBLEM¡±, yup it¡¯s in capital later because of how important it is. Do you ever listen to Taylor Swift song ¡°its me I¡¯m the problem¡± of Anti-hero? If not you should listen to it. Like her or not, her song carry some powerful lyrics. Unlike some song that rap about their toxicity, sexual and drug. You see, Borey were robbed many times before. Can you guess what those robber ride? Hahahaha, it¡¯s expensive cars. They drive car and kidnaped someone for ransom in Borey. Not motorbike, not delivery person. ¡°Never judge a book by its cover¡± is so ironic. In my country there are many con man, do you know what kind of car they drive? What kind of house they live in? What kind of life they show off in social media? What kind of position they hold in society? I¡¯m rolling on the floor right now thinking of those answers. Most people who con millions in any countries aren¡¯t poor bastard who ride motorcycles, it¡¯s those who show off their lifestyle, decorate themselves with luxurious goods. They drive around in their expensive cars, live in their luxurious mansion and show off their expensive lifestyle on social media. So don¡¯t judge somebody if you haven¡¯t get to know them. They might have more money in their bank account than you, they might have many problems in their life than you too. I really love the quote ¡°Do right. Do your best. Treat others as you want to be treated.¡± Sometimes this quote won¡¯t work since most people love look down on others. But that doesn¡¯t mean everyone are like that. Someday eventually you will find the right person. Everyone should be kind. I don¡¯t mean be kind as in donating money to charity or something like that, but I mean be kind in feeling and attitude. I got help by those who just show pure kindness, someone who is kind just because they can and normal. If any of you watch ¡°JJK¡± I think you know who is my favorite character is. My first love is the kindness person I know beside my family. Well that pool is small though because I don¡¯t know many people. She probably doesn¡¯t realize how much help she gives me when she was kind to me as if something natural for her. Despite we aren¡¯t dating, I still hope that all the good things would happen to her. I am the type of people who don¡¯t use some word lightly, ¡°friend¡± and ¡°love¡± are the word I don¡¯t use often. I have no friends and I only love two person in my life beside myself. These two people are the only sole reason I haven¡¯t commit suicide yet, my number one is my mother, without her I have no other reason to continue into the future. I might take the extreme way in my job, I will not ride carefully anymore. Don¡¯t worry I won¡¯t try suicide anymore. I can¡¯t help but think about suicide but I¡¯m too much of a pussy to put it into practice. But there are many ways to die. One of them is live life dangerously and the other is putting yourself in dangerous situations. I might enroll into the army if she was to be gone. And that thought scared me so much. I can¡¯t imagine my life without her. So, if god you are real, please do not take this person life from me. Please let me die before her, I¡¯m a bad person but she isn¡¯t. She goes to church every Saturday and Thursday. She devote her life to you so if you are real then you should really protect her. I believe there is a godlike being but I don¡¯t believe that godlike being to be benevolent and kind like they claimed. How could someone or something keep their sanity for millennia and how can we human ever understand the thought process of such being. I mean we can¡¯t even comprehend our own species so you are full of yourself if you think you can understand such godlike being. Admitting your own limitations is one of the quality you should have if you want to move forward. If you are still reading till this part I sincerely you avoid the mistakes I did in my life. This story isn¡¯t about how I find love or changing myself. This story is for you readers to know about what you should avoid in your life. I just want to tell my story to anyone. Anyone is fine as long as I can tell this story, I don¡¯t want it to be lost inside my crazy mind and when I lost my own remaining sanity.


    This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.


    Thank you for being here for me you stranger that I don¡¯t know.

 Lie

    Some of you know what inspired to be an author but can you guess how many reasons inspired me to write about my life? There are a lots so don¡¯t think that you get all answers. Sometime there is no one correct answer. This is true for many things in this world. Unless we are talking about math or physic because that shit only have one correct answer. Correct answer and not theory so don¡¯t come argue with me when you don¡¯t understand what I said. I fuxking hate people who argue with me without understanding what I mean. I mean come on I talk about apple and you argue about orange. Go fuxk yourself. For those who are understanding what I mean and still on this train then I¡¯m thankful for you. I really don¡¯t like debate on the internet. You call it fancy word like debate but what you are doing is just children quarrel. What kind of stupid fuck think he¡¯s all great when all he¡¯s only debate with stupid college students. You egoistic asshole who wear the mask of genius. I don¡¯t give a fuck about what kind of IQ you have. If you are so great then you should go debate with people on your level. Why do narcissistic people are all over the internet? Why do I need to care whether you attend expensive university? Why do people only judge their degree? I dare you to call me on television and debate with me. I¡¯m going to tear your asshole apart and exposed what kind of selfish person you are. I love dragging people down to my level. Get off your morale highground, you are just a pos like me so don¡¯t pretend to be a saint. Don¡¯t preach about what you can¡¯t do, if you can¡¯t do it yourself then you should the word from teach and preach to what I¡¯m using. It¡¯s call writing down your mistakes so that other won¡¯t repeat it. I¡¯ve been through hell already so I don¡¯t care if I¡¯m going to go through another one. Even if God do exist and throw me into one then I don¡¯t care. I just want a chance to get under your skins and exposed your hypocrisy. Hypocrite is what I hate the most. And I hate many things in this world. I¡¯m a person who is full of hatred, I¡¯m a coward and an asshole. There is a saying that to never go down to the level of crazy. Because those people are the worst. You don¡¯t negotiate with terrorists and you don¡¯t debate with crazies. Trust me it¡¯s never going to turn out well. Avoid toxic and crazies people if you value your sanity. Those kind of people will do anything and drag you down to their level. Just like how I do to my boss yesterday. My current short term goal is to drag my boss down to my level and make her admit her hypocrisy. Fuxk you narcissistic and hypocrite. These two kinds of people are a bunch of the worst. You two are at the top of my list. Asking me to keep my sanity and living normally in this crazy world is the worst. Just like how we can¡¯t undo nuclear bomb, I can¡¯t undo what I learned and realized. That¡¯s why there is a quote call ¡°ignorance is bliss¡±. Ask yourself what kind of person are you? Are you a ??? A wolf in sheep¡¯s clothing? Or a wolf who proud and embracing their identity? I¡¯m a ??. I¡¯m a crazy person and a selfish asshole. I don¡¯t want to wear sheep¡¯s clothing and pretend t be normal. Do I want to be cure of ADHD? I do but it¡¯s impossible. You play the cards you are dealt with and since I can¡¯t be cured then it¡¯s time to enjoy it.


    You only have one life after all and I decided to live each day as the last day I¡¯m alive. YOLO BABY!!!! I want to try all extreme sports in this world, I want to enjoy all kind of things in this world but I won¡¯t make plan for 5-10 years. In this country that you can die by car accident everyday, that¡¯s too long for me to plan. I rather have my time enjoying the little things in life. For example writing and exposing people, getting under people skins is also one of the things I enjoy. Did I make any of you angry? Answer me. Because this is the very goal of this thing I want. Why is there many controversy in this book? Because I make it that way. If I talk about it to others they only see me as a high school dropout. They only see whether I have a degree or not, only see me as a young asshole, only my illness, only my clothes, only a poor bastard? WHY DID YOU NEVER TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME FIRST BEFORE JUDGING ME?


    The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.


    Sorry, I¡¯m getting too overheat. I don¡¯t mean to direct it at you on the other side of the screen. After all you are just strangers that I don¡¯t know ??


    Just how you can¡¯t be my friend and how I don¡¯t make relationship, don¡¯t try to make relationship with me. Never meet your idol. One of the important lesson I want to say today is ¡°draw a clear line between actors and theirs work¡±. Please draw a clear line in your life. For your sanity this is the most important lesson. And for you crazies like me, you should stop caring about everything too much. You only live one life, so live it to the fullest. How do you want to live your life? Ask yourself that question. That¡¯s the most important lesson that took me many years to learn. If you think you are still young and you don¡¯t need to worry then please remember Covid-19 pandemic. Everyone can die at any time by many things. Heck, we are so fragile and flaws that there are infinite amount of things that could kill us. For everyone who read this, do not what others do or say bother you. You will only go crazy if you let others bother you. This lesson is what I realized so late. I really wish I could practice this lesson when I was young. Are there no one who told me that? No, there are many people who told me that. I¡¯m just too stubborn and blind to practice it. For those who always show goodwill to me who read this. I¡¯m really thankful for your important lesson. I never forget those lessons you taught me. Even if I am forgetful I remember all of your name because you are the most important people in my memories. Just like how I remember my 6th grade teacher name and face, I also remember all of your lessons but I can¡¯t mention all of your names here. But remember that your efforts manage to reach this one person. Even if I don¡¯t believe in God, I still pray that He will protect you. Because of your passion and kindness that save me I sincerely hope that you will only find happiness in your life, that you will never change, that no one will bother you. May God bless you. How ironic a sinner pray for God¡¯s protection. I¡¯m really curious about this. Does god answer a non believer praying? No, I don¡¯t force my beliefs on other in church. I only attend so that I could recharge my sanity and happy that there are so many passionate people in this world. Just like how I don¡¯t want to be save, I don¡¯t want to force my beliefs on you either. I respect you and all I ask from you is that you respect me back. Is that too much to ask for? Why is it so hard to get this little respect? Is it because I¡¯m a sinner? Why is it so hard to find someone to understand me? Maybe deep down I do need saving after all. Ah I thought I stop crying anymore ¡­¡­.. maybe I¡¯m afraid of getting hurt that I push everyone away¡­.

 Hero

    Maybe this is what having a mental break down feel like? Attending this event is the best decision I made today. Thank you. I¡¯m really thank you for reaching out to me. Even if you aren¡¯t aware of this. You are really saving me¡­. I thought I decided to live my life without lying anymore Lbut it seems like I¡¯m still lying to myself. I know that I hate myself the most but this still hurts. Ahh my eyes are so red now. Don¡¯t worry I don¡¯t do drug or drink alcohol. I don¡¯t smoke, drink or do drugs. I know that those shit aren¡¯t the answer. And if you suffered like me please do not choose those method to cope. Seek help. From anyone is fine. Talk it out with others, crying isn¡¯t being weak. You are already strong enough for being alive. If you are still alive right now then you are strong. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness but admitting your mistakes and moving forward. You could only be help when you reach your hand out. There are many good people in this world. Just like how there are many stupid people. I fuxking hate you minority people who think that you are the victims. There are people who born blind and without arms or legs so don¡¯t think you have the worst life. Life is hard so wear a fuxking helmet. This quote isn¡¯t from me, I don¡¯t know her name but thank you for saying that. Go look her up on the internet. I don¡¯t think it¡¯s hard to look her up since she¡¯s pretty famous. Mental illness is a disease that eat you slowly from the inside. If you can afford it you should seek professional help. A therapist is the best option. But please do not share your problems with anyone you know personally, I tried and they don¡¯t five a shit so please do not repeat my mistakes. It seem like I stop crying. It felt great to cry myself out. I don¡¯t know how many chapters I will release today so you can look forward to it. A side project that I did when I can¡¯t sleep seem to help me a lot. Thank you. I really mean it.


    Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

 Rule

    I¡¯m currently having lunch, I think I calm myself down already. When I was young I never know what is wrong with me. I can¡¯t realize my own mistakes unless someone tell me. I don¡¯t know about the fact that I annoyed and hurt many others. I was always wondering why I don¡¯t have many friends despite I am smarter and not violence. You see I have only get into a fist fight when I am under 12. And each time I lost. It hurts so much that I developed a fear of violence. I finally realize that I have so many emotional scars¡­ maybe if I got therapy help, maybe if I use writing as a coping mechanism I wouldn¡¯t turn out so twisted. I really can¡¯t imagine how my life would turn out. I wonder if I have siblings and father, would I developed ADHD? But considering 3 other of my relatives were diagnosed with mental illness, I highly doubt it. If I have children, would my curse pass on to them? That thought scared me so much¡­


    I don¡¯t know how to move forward¡­ I have no goal, no future, no relationship besides family at all. That is why I decided to not make any friend. If I don¡¯t have one then I can¡¯t lose one right? I make a few rules that I must follow.


    Never attempts self harm ever again.


    Don¡¯t use substance and alcohol as coping mechanism.


    Don¡¯t get too close to people, don¡¯t try to know them too deep.


    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    Don¡¯t help those who refused help.


    Don¡¯t dump your worries to people you know personally, a therapist and the internet are there for you to dump it.


    Don¡¯t be afraid to admit your mistakes and seek help, even if you could live forever there are still many things you can learn. We barely scratch the surface of the universe.


    Don¡¯t argue with those who refused to listen.


    Don¡¯t waste time with useless things.


    Don¡¯t follow anyone blindly, don¡¯t love or hate anyone blindly. This world is full of many colors. Human have many complex colors.


    Don¡¯t be afraid of getting hurt, critics are free teacher and editors.


    Use everything to your advantages, don¡¯t do anything for free, free here is a loose definition so think carefully about it.


    Take advantages of any situations, all problems have solutions. You just haven¡¯t look hard enough if you can¡¯t find the answer.


    Always yearn for new knowledge, it doesn¡¯t matter what it is. This is the age of technology so you can learn many things at the tip of your fingers.


    Life is a great teacher, it teaches you many things.


    Live your life to the fullest don¡¯t wait for miracle or expect help from anyone. In short don¡¯t be an entitled brat. Don¡¯t expect people charity.


    Always be polite and thanks people and say sorry when you are wrong.


    Do not burn the bridge of relationship with people you care about, this might sound ironic coming from me but do not use your feeling to do anything. Always be calm and coolheaded.


    Do not panic in any situation because panicking will only cloud your judgement.


    Well this are all thing I try to do, there are more but I can¡¯t think them all at the moments.

 Confidence and arrogance

    Out of nowhere I remember something, am I always a person who love to provoke other? I go down my memories library and it seems that I was always that type of person. Maybe that¡¯s one of the reasons why many people hate me? Whatever, there is no way I can change that. Even if I know that it¡¯s a bad thing I still can¡¯t change it. Just like how I know that not eating vegetables and fish are bad for my body. Can all of you answer this question ¡°can you stop your sneeze when you get a cold?¡±. If you can then you must be a superhuman, since I can¡¯t. In the same way I can¡¯t stop overthinking and being a jerk. It¡¯s something imprint into my very soul. You can¡¯t remove a heart and a brain. You do can replace a heart though. But the brain on the other hand is impossible. Until the medical technology advance to that level then stop asking me to not thinking too much. Just like how you can¡¯t control symptoms of your disease, I can¡¯t control my brain to not overthink. I forgot the topic of why I write this chapter now¡­. I¡¯ll be right back after I read last chapter. Ah whatever let just write what I think at the moment. Do you know that all chapters until now are never edit? That¡¯s right I write whatever come to my mind and don¡¯t bother to change anything at all. I write what I feel and currently thinking about. When I was a student, my teacher said that if only I change my personality I would become a perfect man. Do you know how absurd that sounds? Every human are born with flaws, if we go into Christianity then it¡¯s because of we are sinner. Why did I go into Christianity all of a sudden? Because I can¡¯t find the answer for that question beside that. If you tell me the bible have all the answers because of it, I¡¯ll tell you this back ¡°when you throw 1 million rocks at the same time at one basket, some of them would hit its target.¡± Just because some of it are correct doesn¡¯t mean that it¡¯s a book of facts. But obviously there is no way of debating about that with believers. That¡¯s why I created the rules to follows. Debating with people who already make up theirs mind is a waste of my time. Unless I care or interested in you, I would never bother to debate with you.


    But most people in my life doesn¡¯t realized that. In fact I am surrounded by people who look down on me. Even my own beloved mother look down on me. Am I angry at her for looking down at me? Nah, that¡¯s on me 100%. You see being someone who is young and don¡¯t finish highschool really have it¡¯s own consequences. You don¡¯t get the chance to show your skill to others. Because the first thing they see is you being a failure, a disappointment, a loser who give up and a poor bastard. I don¡¯t have the rich privilege of being stupid. There are so many privilege in this world and I don¡¯t have any of them. That¡¯s why I only believe in money. Because only money could help improve my situation. Only when I¡¯m successful that my voice could be heard from those surrounding me. You never give me the chance you give others and you are wondering why I don¡¯t like you? No, that¡¯s not direct at you readers. I just write that down because I am thinking of a certain someone. Are there any of you who play chess or know anything about chess? What do you think is the most important piece on chess? I hope to see some answers in the comments section. When we are talking about one dimension we could only see dot and line, in two dimensions we can see more shape of this dot and line. A square that you see in 2D could look completely different in the 3D and when you take it one step further into the 4D you can see that the cube you see in 3D become a tesseract. Are there any of you understand what I¡¯m trying to say here? Many people in my life only look at one part of it and already finished judging me. How arrogant of you? Even this story is only a part of it. Even when I write how I feel and what I experience down, all of you can¡¯t come to the correct conclusion of what kind of person I am. I am directing this to a certain person ¡°how arrogant of you to say I have no experience because I¡¯m young and a driver? Do you know what I learned when I was a Grab rider? I learned about people true nature. They all let down theirs guard and show a big chunk of theirs nature that they didn¡¯t show to those who are close to them. Every one wear a mask but when you are dealing with unimportant person that you would never meet later in your life, you let down your guard and show some part of your true nature. I can confidently said that I meet more people than 90% of 22 years old out there. You see, I have many secrets and like it or not I also learn many secrets that you will never know. Do you know what is the most important skill for a writer? It¡¯s characters analysis. I hone that skill for as long as I can remember. You will never heard the truth from them because they want to acts good in front of you. But I am different, they don¡¯t need to pretend in front of me. I am someone where people could stop pretending. Everyone are actors. This is a universal fact that I learned all this year. I dare you to bring another 22 years old who knows as much as me, brave like me that could say what I think in front of your face without a care. If you want people to only agreed with you then you should fire me asap because I will never forced to agree with something I don¡¯t believe in. You don¡¯t even know what they laugh and joke about during buffet without your presence. Those you keep in high regard don¡¯t care about you as much as I do. I¡¯m obsess with you because I really want an apology from you.¡± There are two kinds of people that I still remember till today, those who heals my wound and make good memories with me and those who stab me with a knife and leave scars behind. I can¡¯t recall many people name but I could easily recall your full name if you belong to these category. Those who stab others don¡¯t remember which place they stab but the one who was stabbed do. Because you leave scars behind that never heal on my body. How could you listen to someone that only work for you only a month and never ask for feedback from me who works for you 4 years? Why do you think I never try to get a GED and attend college? I managed to save up 3000$ at one point. Yes, 3000$ with the little salary I have. No it¡¯s not lost in investment. It¡¯s not like I can pass the GED test either. The only reason I don¡¯t have a GED is because I choose not to. ??


    This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.


    I have so many secrets and most of them are hidden from everyone. What kind of person do you is the scariest to deal with?


    Someone violence?


    Someone crazy?


    A smart person?


    A genius?


    Someone with power?


    My answer to that question is someone who pretend to be a fool. ??


    What kind of person do you think I chose to be? Why am I a cheapskate and hide my money? Why did I work as a grab rider for many years? I hope that you manage to read this.


    Never trust any information that you can¡¯t confirmed. In mathematics study, it¡¯s only able to call fact when you can prove it.


    Hahaha, you are someone who love to talk and I¡¯m someone who can only listen.


    ¡°Know yourself and know your enemy and you will never be defeated.¡± You believe that I¡¯m not worth your time. And I¡¯ll make that to be your biggest mistake. I am always someone who was look down upon by others. Don¡¯t blame me when I¡¯m this twist. You should never trust anything at face value because people tend to make themselves look good and downplay others. Even if you heard it from the person you wish to know ahout.


    You only know the information that I let you know. So don¡¯t think that you will be able to comprehend all my actions because I don¡¯t want to explain everything. A man full of secrets is what I thrive to be.


    Do you know my way of revenge is? It¡¯s clearly not violence since I hate it. I take revenge on people I hate by being kind to them, when someone judge me and I¡¯m bothered by it to the point of obsession I will take revenge. Don¡¯t worry I won¡¯t harm you. I¡¯ll just kill you with kindness. I hope that you can sleep at night when you read this. I love to provoke others and prove them wrong. That¡¯s the truth or maybe not? Sometime you don¡¯t even know yourself fully so how can you explain what type of person are you to others? I always ask everyone around me to describe what type of person I am. And I¡¯ll show you the side that you want to see to you except a certain person. I don¡¯t really care what do you think of me since you already make up your mind like you know everything about me.


    How arrogant to say you know everything about someone? Even if you spend your entire life study someone you can never say you know everything about them. Because just like physic and math, it¡¯s only become facts when you can prove it, otherwise it¡¯s call theory. Just how my theory about God, it¡¯s not fact but my own personal theory.


    Communication is extremely hard even when you speak the same language. How can a bird know the fish hardship? How dare you tell me how I do my job when you don¡¯t even know all parts of it? Don¡¯t use the word ¡°arrogance¡± when you don¡¯t even know what it means.


    You call it arrogance for fools but you call it confidence for wise man. That line is so blurry.


    You are call a hero when you win and a villain when you lose.


    The winner write history after all. Just because most people believe it doesn¡¯t mean it¡¯s facts. And this is direct at those who think their god is the one and only god because there are many followers in this world.


    Until you can prove it like math and physics then I¡¯ll continue calling you ¡°fool¡±.


    Am I just a crazy person or someone who is extremely smart?


    Am I just arrogant or just confidence?


    I¡¯ll let you answer that question.

 Breadcrumbs

    I have a question for everyone who are still on this train. Am I crazy because I was diagnosed with ADHD or am I crazy because I act like one?


    No matter how much you try, you can¡¯t dress up a clown and make him rule a country. But you can dress up a king and make him a clown. No matter how much you show off your luxurious lifestyle on the internet if you don¡¯t have any of it, someday people are going to find out. But you can make a rich person pretend to be poor and no one going to find out about it. How amusing.


    My relatives never know how skill I am with English because they are blind by the appearance I show them. I love to keep secrets. People spill many secrets to those unimportant and how they treat the poor is their true nature. You can pretend and act all professional in front of your rich friends but everyone are going to know what kind of person you are when you treat people weaker than you. They might never say it to your face but you can¡¯t stop them from thinking about it.


    I have another question for you. If you drop 2 person who are both 20 years from the different backgrounds in a completely new world with resources like earth but without any civilization or anything at all, which one of them are going to survive the longest and rebuild civilization? Someone who is born rich with servants to care for his every needs and no one to say ¡°no¡± to him or someone who is born poor and have no one to rely on but himself?


    I am not talking about prince so don¡¯t give me that argument either.


    Remember how I don¡¯t take the GED test? What else Didn¡¯t I do just because I can? Is it possible that everything you know about me is a lie? Did you have proof about what I told you? My work was always alone. Is it possible I do have GED that you don¡¯t know about? Is it possible I have a secret stash of money you aren¡¯t aware of? Or am I just trying to mess with your head? I¡¯ll let you decide and answers that question yourself. Because I will never prove any of it.


    This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it


    ¡°Schrodinger¡¯s Cat¡± theory is a really interesting one. I might have a GED that I never tell anyone or I might not. I¡¯ll never tell you the truth about it, or I might, or just like always I¡¯m just trying to mess with your head? Who knows? If no one represents evidence about it, no one will know for certain that which answer is correct.


    If I do have one why do you think I never show it when it could make my life easier? Will GED stop people from looking down on me? It might but what is the point of it? It will never change who you are.


    I have always do something strange and no one understands since I was young and I have no plan to stop either. I hate being normal. There are too many normal people in this world, so losing one wouldn¡¯t change anything.


    Sometime I say that I want people to understand me yet sometimes I say I don¡¯t. Which one is it that I want? I¡¯m currently single and a virgin. Does it mean I can¡¯t find a girlfriend? Nah, it¡¯s because I never bother to look for one. If I wish to lost my virginity I can always go to club or hire prostitute. You see people lie all the times but if you observe them carefully you will be able to spot the lie. There is no such thing as a perfect lie. And lying can be used in many different ways. Most people lie to make themselves look good in front of others but there are also people who lie to make themselves look bad. You might ask why would anyone do that? I don¡¯t know a definite answer either and there aren¡¯t one answer to that question too.


    There might be some grand scheme.


    He might do it to test people like how the biblically God test his believers faith in making their life hell on purpose to see their true color.


    There are more correct answer to this question. Remember most question have many correct answers unless you are math or physic where there are only one correct answer. As you read this story I¡¯ll drop hint bit by bit just like breadcrumbs for you. So stay tuned for future updates.

 Bonus chapter

    Hello! My name is Soksan and I used to study in transform Cambodia center 1. I want to come here to meet all of you to untie the shackles I put on myself. In the past I have such an extreme case of depression that led me to take the extreme way out. After I was expelled I did some soul searching and was lost for quite a while but I have to pick myself up and work so that I can survive. I dropped out of school and work since I was 16, during those hard times I managed to earn quite a lot of money and convinced myself that I have no other choice. Then life stab me in the back during COVID-19, I have a lot of time on my hand and I think back to my school year, what went wrong in my life? Was it during grade 6 when I was left in center 3 while everyone I''m close with transferred to center 1? That was not it I still have friends, since I mentally make myself forget I can''t name all of them but I remember one person who was always there for me his name is Channy, during those times I lashed out on everyone around me including my friends and teacher by skipping school. I still remember my teacher''s name who decided to fulfill my wish by transferring me to center 1, her name is Miss. Somphors. Did getting into center 1 solve my problem? For a while maybe, I remember the first month in the new school and new environment I got number 44 in school, was that somebody''s fault? No it was entirely my fault I skipped school so many times that my grade is slipping. So I picked myself up and studied hard I got a better grade but it wasn''t satisfying at all. And once again I convinced myself that it wasn''t my fault but because other people have friends and they copy from one another, I try to connect to people and try making friends but I''m too prideful and arrogant. I involved myself in the wrong crowd, bare my heart to the wrong person who stabbed me in the back, I was incredibly hurt by him but instead of moving on I chose the easiest way by avoiding my problem. Once again I skipped school. Until I make the right friends their names are karithy and sambath. I still remember their names clearly because they were someone I could call my best friends. They were sincere and they never took advantage of me. Everything was shaky but okay because I have them, I remember brother Sovan he was one of the kindest people I know, arguably that time was my happiest moment. Just like how life laugh at me when I find joy I was transferred to another shift estranged from my friends, and like always I took the easiest way out, I have such a hard time connecting to people because I am always afraid of getting hurt, I hate getting hurt the most, so I close my heart and never accept anyone, during these time I found comfort in being alone. Does the new shift don''t have anyone I can be friends with? No, there are plenty of good people there are many good people I just don''t want to make any friends. It all goes downhill from here, I drown myself in the victim mentality, I believe I was wronged I never try to change myself because I''m afraid of my scars and how people hurting me, my mental state goes rock bottom. I never managed to pick myself up from there. Until I met someone who I once had a crush on, she was just like how I always remember always so kind always smiling, for a while I was happy but the consequences of skipping school catching up to me I wasn''t the smartest person I once was. To me the only pride I have is the fact that I''m smart. I was lost and when I cornered myself I chose the worst possible decision I could make, I try to commit suicide on school ground. As a result of that I was expelled. Was that anybody''s fault? No it was my fault but I was too young too hothead to think logically. So I dropped out and found a job as a delivery person with 240$ salary, during this job I got fired 3 times by my cousin who is my boss because of my mistakes that I made during working and past mistakes that catching up to me. Many of those times I always thought of ending my own life but I remember my widow mother, she was the sole reason I''m alive, she was my sole light in this darkest time. I changed myself and improved and I worked for my cousin again. Probably my darkest moment, i cling to life during this time instead because I was happy. But I was so ashamed of myself while I used to be the top of the class but here I am delivering while my friends enter university so I cut all contact with everyone and I''m sorry for it. The past year my mental health goes up and down, 6 months ago I got a surgery, I spent 4 days in the hospital with my mother. And one month ago I decided that I don''t want to live in regrets anymore so I asked to become a salesperson in the company but I was refused because I don''t have any experience but she lets me in other positions because she just learned I could speak English , I confess my feeling to the person I loved and get over my 10 years crush, contacting my teachers to say sorry and thank you and coming here to meet old friend and say sorry and thank you. I don''t want to spend my life in regret. I wish to die one day where I look back and say I live my life to the fullest and have no regrets.


    Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

 🤡🖕👑

    I was so busy with all the plans I put into practice in the last 4 days that I can¡¯t update anything. Let see, I joined a local company named PR Premium as pricing assistant and managed to reach the unofficial position of assistant director for 2 days and I go separate way with the owner since she believes that I can¡¯t put my crazy ideas into practice and what I¡¯m doing is only creating chaos. I come out of nowhere when TC is in need of funding, confess to someone for the first time, make a start-up with zero money, managed to close a deal with a school after one day of my start-up founding, what else am I missing? Gosh there are too many things happening in the past 20 days that I can¡¯t even write it all. Right, I also managed to raise my values from an uncut diamond to the most expensive things in the last week alone. This experiment is a success, I¡¯m too crazy to make any friends. I¡¯ll be alone again¡­. I can¡¯t even find partnership but just followers since I don¡¯t have any motivation. Should I just set ruling this world as goal? What do you think will make the people BTS chose me as their proxy? Obviously money and I am someone who is crazy enough to not care when I die. I created an agency know as Miracle Investment. My FB is Heng Soksan with a joker profile, my telegram is +855 61 440 195, my job. Is agency that sell everything and buy everything. I have many crazy idea and my ultimate goal is start a war that end all wars. Since I could reach all small goal and SEA is too small as a goal¡­. Should I just start a cult? Whatever, I¡¯ll just do whatever I want. I managed to promote this book on social media and find many partnership. If you are interested in investing I¡¯ll consult you on any topics. Visit me in Phnom Penh, Cambodia if you are seeking advice and open minded. You can verify what I said in this book by yourself and if you are someone I imagine who you are then you will be meeting me since I¡¯ll be waiting for your answer. Dear readers¡­


    The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

 Doubt

    I was so wrong¡­ I can¡¯t believe why I did so many things for everyone yet I can¡¯t even find one person who knew me to trust me¡­ I thought if I face it head on then it¡¯s would be okay¡­ I thought I was just half crazy? Why would I let the majority define who am I? I can¡¯t believe the biggest mistake I made is doubting myself and let you drag me down? Why did I tried to humble myself and understand everyone else. Why did I even¡­ I trust that you would understand me when I decide to explain and wrote this book. I can¡¯t believe you people able to convince me of something that I should be proud of. What is the definition of ¡°impossible¡± and ¡°madness¡±? You are so convinced of something that you can¡¯t prove, something you said that you believe to be fact. The more I try to get close to you the more my imagination and hope were crash. I trust in you when you aren¡¯t confident in yourself. Do you know my madness if I never reveal it? I thought I went crazy from 11 years old. How foolish of me, I was just someone who too wise for my own good. You gave up on something that you haven¡¯t try and I try everything that consider to be only ideal? Who is the idealist here? Who is the crazy one here? Have you ever research about me? Why are you so confident and convinced of something when you haven¡¯t give it your all? I never had any plan since when I ever have one I always expect¡­ expectations is the worst thing I can do. What is a ¡°hypocrite¡±? Who is the arrogant one? You are too prideful for people who believe to be someone great. I start from below zero, I was put into situations where consequences always catch up to me. I am someone who are willing to research about millions and billions of people. You will never be able to understand me since you never try to¡­ it¡¯s like I¡¯m just a character in a book I write, each time I realized something I being to question everything. Is there truly a ¡°CREATOR¡± if there is one then he¡¯s the worst scumbag in the entire universe that I imagine. Sure I might be the most crazy person in the entire history of mankind¡­ is it because I¡¯m crazy? No, from my pov all of you are the crazy one. I never have a plan so I learned to deal with every situations. I am willing to learn and you are the worst scumbag from my pov. How dare you try to drag me down to your level. If it¡¯s mean I must fight the whole world, if it¡¯s mean I will go down in history as the worst being to exist then so be it. Do you think I¡¯m not scared? I¡¯m not lonely? I just say that so I wouldn¡¯t cry every fuxking single time when I thought about it. If I tell a lie long enough then maybe it would become the truth. If I say one lie long enough it would become fact. If you can make an imagination ¡°GOD¡±, then I¡¯ll tell a lie that would become the truth. A hero and a villain only decide by the majority? I have no political stand, no patriotism, no humanity, no religion. I only believe in myself since it I don¡¯t then who will? If I need to start a cult then so be it. This is the last time I reach to all of you first. I¡¯m someone who confident enough that I either die or decided this world faith. If it¡¯s mean I¡¯m going to be alone like in my nightmare then so be it. If it means I¡¯ll admit that my fuxking dream is reality then fine. If it¡¯s mean my voice will only be heard when I reach the top then so be it. It¡¯s not like I don¡¯t have scars. I just never let it bother me. I don¡¯t have time to waste on useless people who refused my goodwill and judge me before they research what I¡¯m going through. Are we really living in the same reality or am I just a piece of entertainment toward some asshole who giggle and laughing at my misery. The only motivation is proving people wrong. I don¡¯t need to explain everything to you when you already decide how this story end. Nobody in this world know the future. Not even your almighty since every time I read that book, I¡¯m convinced that h the worst existence to every created. Go look through history since it¡¯s so easy to search for it. So simple that I can¡¯t believe we are on the same level. All of you are people lived in a created world and I write mine. If you can¡¯t even admit your mistakes then you will never be able to knew it, if you already pass judgment then you are just sheep. That word fit you so well since most of you only know how to follow instructions and the mass. While here I am going against the history of mankind and creating new one. I could be a messiah or a fake one that you already convinced about. Every time I reach the goal I set then all I feel is emptiness¡­ so let set the goal of destroying the system and fight an impossible war that you convinced me. I live my life by my own principles because I don¡¯t want anything to define me. I¡¯ll only reach out my hand once because no matter how much I explain and reaching out my hand to you, I can¡¯t change your mind if you already pass judgment. It¡¯s just a waste of my time when I¡¯m already so busy. Do you know what is funny? I write this in the heat of the moment and didn¡¯t even bother edit it like always. Why should I when I¡¯m not an expert in it? While you act like an expert in everything that you can¡¯t put into action. You think I¡¯m talking about you specifically? No, dear! Since from my pov most of you are like this. You aren¡¯t the main characters in my book. I AM.


    Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.

 Hypocrite

    I have a question for everyone who are still on this train. Am I crazy because I was diagnosed with ADHD or am I crazy because I act like one?


    No matter how much you try, you can¡¯t dress up a clown and make him rule a country. But you can dress up a king and make him a clown. No matter how much you show off your luxurious lifestyle on the internet if you don¡¯t have any of it, someday people are going to find out. But you can make a rich person pretend to be poor and no one going to find out about it. How amusing.


    My relatives never know how skill I am with English because they are blind by the appearance I show them. I love to keep secrets. People spill many secrets to those unimportant and how they treat the poor is their true nature. You can pretend and act all professional in front of your rich friends but everyone are going to know what kind of person you are when you treat people weaker than you. They might never say it to your face but you can¡¯t stop them from thinking about it.


    I have another question for you. If you drop 2 person who are both 20 years from the different backgrounds in a completely new world with resources like earth but without any civilization or anything at all, which one of them are going to survive the longest and rebuild civilization? Someone who is born rich with servants to care for his every needs and no one to say ¡°no¡± to him or someone who is born poor and have no one to rely on but himself?


    I am not talking about prince so don¡¯t give me that argument either.


    Remember how I don¡¯t take the GED test? What else Didn¡¯t I do just because I can? Is it possible that everything you know about me is a lie? Did you have proof about what I told you? My work was always alone. Is it possible I do have GED that you don¡¯t know about? Is it possible I have a secret stash of money you aren¡¯t aware of? Or am I just trying to mess with your head? I¡¯ll let you decide and answers that question yourself. Because I will never prove any of it.


    Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.


    ¡°Schrodinger¡¯s Cat¡± theory is a really interesting one. I might have a GED that I never tell anyone or I might not. I¡¯ll never tell you the truth about it, or I might, or just like always I¡¯m just trying to mess with your head? Who knows? If no one represents evidence about it, no one will know for certain that which answer is correct.


    If I do have one why do you think I never show it when it could make my life easier? Will GED stop people from looking down on me? It might but what is the point of it? It will never change who you are.


    I have always do something strange and no one understands since I was young and I have no plan to stop either. I hate being normal. There are too many normal people in this world, so losing one wouldn¡¯t change anything.


    Sometime I say that I want people to understand me yet sometimes I say I don¡¯t. Which one is it that I want? I¡¯m currently single and a virgin. Does it mean I can¡¯t find a girlfriend? Nah, it¡¯s because I never bother to look for one. If I wish to lost my virginity I can always go to club or hire prostitute. You see people lie all the times but if you observe them carefully you will be able to spot the lie. There is no such thing as a perfect lie. And lying can be used in many different ways. Most people lie to make themselves look good in front of others but there are also people who lie to make themselves look bad. You might ask why would anyone do that? I don¡¯t know a definite answer either and there aren¡¯t one answer to that question too.


    There might be some grand scheme.


    He might do it to test people like how the biblically God test his believers faith in making their life hell on purpose to see their true color.


    There are more correct answer to this question. Remember most question have many correct answers unless you are math or physic where there are only one correct answer. As you read this story I¡¯ll drop hint bit by bit just like breadcrumbs for you. So stay tuned for future updates.

 Control

    I don¡¯t know whether I¡¯m shameless or prideful in this subject. My way of living change many times since I was young, I was always put the blame on others in the past. From my birth, finances, mental health, failures, physical health, social skill and many other subjects. I always somehow managed to convinced myself that it wasn¡¯t my fault. Is it really true? Some part probably isn¡¯t my fault, but most of them are my own doing. Sure, I can¡¯t choose who I was born into and my mental illness but I can choose how I live my life. But I was a fuxking asshole, hypocrite and loser. I manipulate every single person who shown goodwill toward me, crushed their hearts, lie to them, ungrateful and many other bad thing. Yet, I expect people to help me when I¡¯m in a pinch. When everything come crushing down I choose to run away and give up. How foolish of me. I can¡¯t help but be a hypocrite even in this situation, I always said that my life is hard because of me being poor, no siblings, no friends, zero social skill, mental illness and no support. Why didn¡¯t I compare myself to those who have it harder than me? Dear readers of this story, if you think your life is hard then always remember that there are those who have it harder than you. I didn¡¯t have the hardest life, my mother pampered me and always try to get the best for me, I have an aunt who always look out for me, I have free education, I could be said to be smarter than most people, no disability, I wasn¡¯t born into war period, for the most part my country is pretty affordable compare to many other countries, I wasn¡¯t abuse by anyone at all, I got access to the internet and knowledge easily, I won¡¯t be sent into prison for what people take for granted, I don¡¯t have violence nature and hate harmful substances. If I list everything that most people take for granted then you probably going to get bored. You probably get what I mean. Please do not think you have the worst life. Do not expect anything. Stop living in that victim mentality.??


    I mean it, you will only hurt yourself and those around you. Human are social creatures, it¡¯s impossible to live alone. Don¡¯t bring the argument of introvert with me. Unless you can survive in the void of nothingness then you aren¡¯t truly alone. I recommend you to get pets or hobbies if you don¡¯t like social gathering. Whenever life hit me like a truck, I always thought of giving up everything but why should I do that? What evidence do I have that giving up would solve my problem? Some of you probably already aware that I tried to commit suicide a few times. I still have suicide thought but I never goes through with it. I can¡¯t control my own thought and how life play out. But, I have control over how I live my life. Everyone have different control of their life, some have full control of it, some have little control and some give up that control completely. I love one quote from Buddhism ¡°Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.¡± I still stay truth to this beliefs, you are your own jailer and prison. I yearn for ¡°freedom¡± and ¡°enlightenment¡±. To know everything about myself and to be free from all shackles. But right now I¡¯m far from freedom and enlightened, yet I still hope to reach that state one day. I love learning new things and discovered part of me that I don¡¯t know about. Maybe one day I would truly be free and enlightened. I wish to take control of my own life and I hope you would be able to do the same. If what I write here today could help somebody in the future then I would be incredibly happy, just like how what was written by other save me¡­ I have many reasons of choosing this career and I don¡¯t know which one is consider to be the main reason I write. Maybe I¡¯m too lonely? I wish to be saved by others? I simply wish to control what going inside my story? I don¡¯t know all the reason I choose to write about myself and what I imagined. But, I know that by writing everything down I managed to be more happy and stable than before. I sincerely hope that I will be able to answer everything about myself, have the freedom to say what I want and managed to die with no regrets. I don¡¯t want to live long but I also don¡¯t want to die with any regrets either. I don¡¯t know what going to happen in the afterlife, that¡¯s why I will do everything I believe to be right and go with a smile on my face. This life is a ¡°presents¡± from the unknown and I want to appreciate it to its fullest glory. To be free from all suffering and to be able to answer my most curious question about the very ¡°purpose¡± of life itself. I have no answer about who or what created ¡°life¡± but I¡¯m going to find my own purpose of life. This is a journey that only end with my death since I will never give up on it willingly. Dear reader, what is your ¡°purpose¡± of life? What is your take on this subject?


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 Teacher of life

    I have a huge obsession with a few things in my life. One of them is undeniably related to my education, TC is the place that I spent half my life in and 16 years obsession over it. When I decided to live my life to its fullest and die with no regrets, I can¡¯t get TC out of my mind. How could I when ? of my life center around that school and everyone related to it. I used to have a love/hate relationship with everyone related to that school but now all I have is pure respect for it¡¯s vision and commitment. You see I am someone who have a twisted moral compass, I don¡¯t care whether the sponsor and founder of any NGO or charity foundation manage to profit or benefits directly from charity as long as that foundation truly help someone. As long as I don¡¯t have all information then I can¡¯t say for sure about why an Australian organization go so far for Cambodian but they leave behind one hell of a mark. Many people receive education and scholarship from that foundation and I was able to somehow function in the society because of my experiences with that school. The quote of ¡°Education is the weapon against ignorant and madness.¡± is something that I love to say. I love the fact that I was put into position where I can taste consequences every time I make the wrong choices, I have no doubt in my mind that if I never taste consecutive consequences again and again then I won¡¯t be able to grow to be the person I am today. I would probably run away from my problems indefinitely, abuse substances and alcohol, go to jail a few times and could led to murder if I was born in country accessible to guns. Did I ever tell you that mental health problems run in my family? There are 3 close family members in my family tree that confirmed to be crazy and received treatments for it, a few that have mental health problems that refused to acknowledge it and me someone who realized I also have a huge problem when I¡¯m an adult. I was simply born into a perfect situation and surrounded myself with people that love me in their own way and people who constantly put me down. I also happen to be an only child and don¡¯t have a father that could teach me, somehow managed to study in a school where you stuck with lots of people who you known since childhood till you are an adult, becoming student to a bunch best teachers you could ask for, young adult who are passionate for their job and do it because they believe in the vision of it, somehow was a Christian by choice since I¡¯m 5 til I¡¯m 17 old without anyone forcing me, saw many bully of my childhood turn for the better and people who never improve destroy their own life, accidentally entering the adult world since I¡¯m 13 by volunteering in publishing group, saw the full consequences of people without education, people who are full of ego because they success in life, have one of the most useful hobby of reading novels and drama, is one of the most hypocrite who judge everything and everyone daily, a little bit psychopathic that I have a very objective point of view, meet people who are actually suffering from mental health problems by pure accident, is one of the perfect liar who lives double life of bravery on the internet, born into a perfect county to see the results of stupidity and egoist people, somehow never get my hand on power when I was immature to done irreversible damage, etc. If I look back to my life on why I became the person I am today, I can list many good reasons that I turned out only a little bit twisted and a little bit crazy. Thanks to all the good qualities I experience I somehow become kinder and normal(?) without much outside help. Do I feel lonely and upset sometimes? Obviously, it would be a complete lie to say that I don¡¯t want it to turn out better. But, I can¡¯t change that prologue part of my life, I could learn and improve how I act in the future though. I learned how to seek help from people when I¡¯m stuck, make the perfect connection of people who are unconditionally kind towards everyone even me. My life bloom and shine by all the kindness and patience of everyone around me. Sometimes people need so many chances to turn their life around¡­ I didn¡¯t turn my life around at the second, third, fourth and so on, I don¡¯t even know how many chances were given to me until I somehow become the person I am today. I decided to go back to school and get my diploma and degrees. Emotion such as anger is a very strong motivation. I can¡¯t find motivation on my own but with help from others I somehow rekindle the flame of passion and outlook of the future I have today. I am angry at myself for giving up so easily, for always running away and being a coward. I was scared of getting hurt so much that I run from the battlefield of life without testing my limit at all. I really love stories where people could be unconditionally kind like Demon Slayer and JJK, despite all the shit that they suffered they could still be able to live and smile brightly. I don¡¯t want to regret anything anymore. I attended a few funerals that wake me up from the illusion that no one going to cry at my own. A co-worker of mine when I was 20 died suddenly due to illness and seeing his mother break down make me imagine of my own mother¡­ he was someone who is incredibly kind towards everyone even though he never said it directly. He is a diligence man who is loved by everyone around him even though he speaks rudely. He was a teacher to me on how I should walk my life. You see I¡¯m a man of my words, it¡¯s both my strength and weakness, I don¡¯t easily compromise on many things that goes against rule and my own selfish needs. Most of the times your own strength is also your own weakness. Do you think the same as me? Everyone usually say one thing and mean another, they expect you to be a complete opposite depends on the situation and most people around me expect me to be both an adult who knows hardship but treat me as a child when I pitch an idea¡­ you can¡¯t honestly expect someone who is socially inept and know full well about what he had done to be a genius in life who would be mature extremely fast¡­ I was honestly so tired of all the expectations people have of me and the expectations I have for others..


    Stolen novel; please report.


    I managed to turn my life around only when I change my perspective and accept my own weaknesses and shortcomings. I was able to go into therapy on my own, experience an adult life without contingency plans and shameless enough to walk back no matter how many times I fell down. I am honestly proud of myself that I turn out to be the man I am today despite all the shit I¡¯ve done in the past. I turn the desire to die into desire to see the future, fear of the unknown into curiosity, insecurities into lessons, bruise into battle scars of reminder, bad things about my personality into advantages, etc. I am proud to say that I¡¯m happy even in this hard time I¡¯m going through. They say ¡°what doesn¡¯t kill you makes you stronger ¡°. I¡¯m totally agree with that statement, until the day I take my last breath I will continue to walk this road without fear if failures. What else could I lose anyway when I¡¯ve already lost everything many times.


    Be brave and learn everything from every situations in your life. Untill somebody come to give hard evidences of the afterlife then you only live once. Playing a game in easy mode is boring so live a kind life, a life that full of hardship that make someone life brighter. Who know that your random act of kindness would save someone. All the kindness and goodwill toward me save mine. I wasn¡¯t living in the living hell anymore. I am able to hope for the future that I would die happy. Thank you for being here with me on this journey. ??

 Me

    From the very beginning the formula of success was already invented. I believe that the intention of the Creator was already clear from the very first book. He never stray from that path. He was a scholar and scientist. Earth was just an experiment to pass time for the Almighty, He was too lonely in the void, so, He created companions that He could observe. Loneliness is an incredibly scary thing, it crushes you so much. I was someone who was born with a condition that make me question everything. I was too powerful from the very beginning. Life was too boring if I was too diligent, so, I purposely make my life harder. I never stray from my beliefs, I might make a detour, but, the end was already written. Jon Doe was a perfect creation born from frustration. I know so well of the consequences of action. You can hide but it¡¯s always catch up to you. Out of loneliness, I played some game. I was always addicted to game, it just move on from one game to another. I never hate or love anyone at all, that feeling was simply curiosity. I treated you as nothing more than an experiment. I met many people in my life, the riches and the poor. Your definition of those word are all very different from mine. I already gave you answer from the very first time we met. I am a man of my word. I can do all that because of one reason only, there is nothing in this world could harm me. Life was simply a prison that I was in. You see, I was always the same from the very beginning, you just got to know more sides of me. To me, you are nothing more than characters in a book that I read to pass time. A ¡°God¡± is simply a word that define the supreme being, I am one of those being. I know all rule of any game, so, I never lose to anything. But, always winning would make it too incredibly boring. Throughout the known history of men, I was the very top of the food chain, there is no danger, no challenge, nothing at all to oppose my rules. There are only two emotions you would feels toward me, fear and awe. I never care about anything though. I just want to know about those so called feelings that you were born with. I try loving someone and it was somehow interesting. You were nothing but one part of a small experiment that I did. I¡¯m sorry but I don¡¯t feel any guilt at all. Nothing matter to me, I don¡¯t care about your feelings, that is how self-centered I am. I am somebody who only do things to pass time. When you got too much power, you will find life to be incredibly boring. I love reading about you, all of you are uniquely from one another. Some of you have too much flaws, some of you have so little flaw. The answer of every question were already there, you just haven¡¯t found it yet. The Creator was the same, He got too much power for his own good.


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