《Carousel of Lives [Immortality is a Myth - January 2024][Completed]》


 1. Ended by a blade

    I¡¯m about to die.


    But then, not really. You see, I always come back, though never as the same person, in the same time, or place. But ¡®I¡¯ continue to exist. I am a tapestry of many lives lived, woven with the threads of hard, chaotic times, and soft, peaceful times. Each thread shaping this ¡®me¡¯.


    It may sound a little grandiose, but when you have lived as many lives as I have, the concept of ¡®me¡¯ and ¡®I¡¯ get a little blurred.


    My last vision of this particular life was the blade that severed my neck and rapidly ended it. I was thankful the blade was sharp and the blow clean ¡ª it hurts less that way. The last sight lingered in my mind. The man wielding that life ending blade had wild eyes ¡ª filled with a desperation born of survival, not of malice.


    Am I really ¡®me¡¯ anymore? The question that haunts me each time I face death, plunging me into the depths of my own existential turmoil.


    True immortality, the kind that promises eternal life, is nothing but a myth. Each life I¡¯ve lived has been its own ¡ª distinct, finite. They die, I die. I am shaped by the cultures I find myself in, each incarnation unique, though some things stick with you ¡ª I have yet to live a life in which I have enjoyed the consumption of olives.


    However, as for being immortalised in stone or memory ¡ª I have bad news. I¡¯ve seen enough to know that time wipes all slates clean; Monuments crumble, writings fade, and memories distort. Names might endure, but they¡¯re often twisted into unrecognisable legends, even in societies dedicated to preserving history.


    But I don¡¯t merely dwell on this flawed concept of immortality ¡ª I awaken to it. My mind initially festers in those shadowy thoughts before it rallies. I am, at my core, a traveller, a discoverer and I am about to embark on my newest journey.


    ***


    ¡°Welcome Ardeus¡± The Magnificent spoke, his voice a stony rumble echoing in this chamber of impossibility I knew as the ¡®afterlife¡¯.


    ¡°Hey Mags, that life was shorter than I had been expecting. War¡­ the usual.¡± I sighed, still shaking off the remnants of emotions of my last existence.


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    The Magnificent chuckled, his Draconic features looming above me. He was a constant in my carousel of lives. Once, curiosity had bested me, and I had asked him, would he die too? It was one of those rare moments when Mags was inclined to share more than just cryptic remarks. He explained they existed beyond my linear perception of time, appearing immortal from my standpoint. Yet, in his own words, even they had an endpoint, but time flowed for them in unfathomable ways to me.


    ¡°You do have a penchant for getting involved. Especially when you pick politically unstable,¡± He remarked, barely glancing over the giant clipboard-like object he always had clutched in his claws. ¡°Interesting,¡± he hummed, the sound like rocks tumbling down a hillside.


    ¡°What is?¡± I asked, my curiosity piqued despite the weight of the memories I had made over the last lifetime still lingering, the sting of loss, and unfulfilled promises slow to fade.


    ¡°You have new options available, quite curious ones.¡±


    ¡°Hit me with it. Though, I did try the orphan run before ¡ª I made it into adult life, remember?¡±


    ¡°No, Ardeus, you misunderstand. They are new options to me.¡±


    I froze, looking up at Mags. His cryptic nature was nothing new to me, but this hint of something unprecedented to him was unsettling. After all my lives the notion of surprising Mags was strange. In previous conversations, I had uncovered the fact there were many like me, and I was just one of Mags¡¯ charges ¡ª the amount of lives lived and choices offered he had seen would be vast.


    I waited for Mags to break the silence, respecting the eminent being and the wisdom he brought to every conversation. Watching him as his brow furrowed thoughtfully, and his claws tapping rhythmically. I had known Mags for what felt like an eternity, yet even that felt too human a concept, too linear. To me, Mags existed as an eternal constant, always and forever. He once likened our difference by comparing a human and an ant. For the ant, our lives seem vast and incomprehensible, our actions like those of an eldritch being. In the same way, Mags¡¯ existence transcended my understanding, placing him in a realm far beyond my human grasp.


    His voice startled me from my internal pondering.


    ¡°The first; you now have the option to reincarnate as your seed-self. The original you. You can take the options to start life as a baby, child or adult, and most any other modifiers you¡¯re used to taking.¡±


    A pause, comprised of a large dry inhale from Mags before he continued.


    ¡°The second; you now have an option to step off the ¡ª as you like to call it ¡ª carousel, forever.¡±


    His words hung in the air between us, his eyes holding mine from over his giant clipboard. They flashed with an emotion I didn¡¯t recognise from all my time knowing him.


    An end. I thought as a shiver travelled down my spine

 2. Recount

    We coexisted in the cavernous expanse enveloped in a silence, both comforting and unnerving. The new options had left me reeling both emotionally and physically ¡ª it was unexpected, and I didn¡¯t like that. Early on, whilst I was being acclimatised to the system of rebirth, I would unlock new ¡°life options¡± progressively as I experienced different lives. It was done this way, Mags had explained, to lessen the overload of information for new reincarnators. I took a breath and squashed the uncomfortable emotions down.


    ¡°Mags, thank you.¡± I broke the peaceable silence with a feeling of warmth for the massive, yet gentle, being. ¡°I appreciate you shared the options with me. You could have easily kept them to yourself.¡±


    Lowering his mysterious clipboard, Mags raised a scale-ridged brow, humming out a sound that resonated with appreciation. ¡°Ardeus, after all of these cycles, I know your mind. You would see withholding information as deceit or betrayal.¡±


    I nodded, quelling the instinctive urge to argue, too aware of the truth in his words. I opened my mouth to say more, but closed it again. The thoughts that tumbled around in my mind refused to be formed into sentences.


    ¡°We have been through a lot together ¡ª I have been contemplating my own feelings regarding the fact you now have a choice to end this cycling.¡±


    ¡°Remember all those times you had a choice of boons to take? How I always suggested those that enhanced memory? There¡¯s a reason for that, beyond mere preservation of memories,¡± He continued.


    I recalled the moments Mags mentioned; they were after I had lived especially interesting lives or achieved something particularly significant during one. I was sometimes rewarded when those lives ended with a choice of boons, ranging from unlocking improved life start conditions, better memory, both in detail or in quantity, and various twists on that. Each time there was a choice relating to memory, Mags had encouraged me to pick it.


    There were barely a handful of occasions I had gone against his suggestions. I listened because it was the only thing Mags had ever seemed to express any insistence or preference on. Mags¡¯s suggestions had always seemed deliberate, and now, they felt like pieces of a larger puzzletentatively coming into focus.


    I remained silent, hoping he would divulge more, but we sunk back into a companionable silence instead. Both stuck inside our own heads, ruminating.


    A few hours had passed, or what felt like it, as time wasn¡¯t rational in this in between space. We¡¯d had idle conversation, nothing significant. Mags had been doing something with his clipboard, as usual, and I had been rearranging the space.


    I could make changes to this area, though I had barely made any efforts to make this feel like a home. Mostly tending toward function over form for this space. I moved things around, the banks of memory storing devices stacked meticulously and efficiently, organised by life, from the earliest to the latest.


    The last life I had lived had been one of little significance in the grand scheme of my lived lives. I was a man who had joined a war. I¡¯m not so sure the side had really mattered ¡ª it was one where one side just needed to win ¡°properly¡± to stop the endless war cycle. No new firsts, no new significant moments, or epic vistas to wonder at. It was time for the usual debrief. About time we get that over with.


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    ¡°Mags, let¡¯s do the life recap.¡± I said, my voice tinged with a weight of weariness. A pause hung in the air between us, heavy with unspoken thoughts. ¡°I know you¡¯ve been patiently waiting.¡±


    ¡°You are ready, good.¡± He moved his larger form over and sat by me, hunched in his usual way, his giant curved neck bringing his head closer down to me. His ancient eyes were lit with more than just curiosity ¡ª a silent understanding of the countless lives he had witnessed, each carrying their own joys, sorrows and untold secrets. The moment felt both immense and infinitesimal.


    ¡°Well,¡± He shuffled again, and broke his gaze. Getting himself comfier, and checking his board, ¡°you started as a teenager in a politically unstable world, with no modifiers. Other world parameters were low magic and a feudalistic society. Tell me¡­ How was it?¡± Mags said, quickly listing the parameters for the last life, eagerly awaiting my run through of what had happened.


    My recount was brief, I had made it to my late twenties, witnessed wars, the latest of which had taken my life. It may feel irreverent to be glossing over a life lived and summarising into a short sentence like that. But I hadn¡¯t become someone who could change the trajectory of anything important.


    ¡°So, I lost my head fighting in a pointless war. But that¡¯s how it goes sometimes. I just did my best, keeping those to my left and right alive.¡± I finished my recount, startling as I looked up to find Mags¡¯ face had migrated uncomfortably close to mine whilst I spoke.


    His grin was an eager one. The kind that elicited a confused response from my lizard brain, glee at appeasing the giant creature, and apprehension at the glint in his eye. Like I was a tasty snack ripe for the munching.


    I shuddered slightly, like when an icy breeze catches you, to shake the strangeness away.


    ¡°Adequate all the same, you did not ¡ª pull your punch, as you say ¡ª and¡­¡±


    ¡°¡ªno Mags, that¡¯s not¡ª¡±


    Mags raised a claw to quiet me. Clearly he was not in the mood for quibbles.


    ¡°¡­I appreciate how you still continue to live out lives to their end even when you aren¡¯t parading around as someone powerful. There are countless others out there who throw their lives as soon as they see they have no power.¡± He paused and inhaled a few times, starting to speak, but the words not forming.


    I held my tongue again.


    ¡°There are choices to be made.¡± Mags said, his voice not as solid as it normally was. ¡°Unless you have any further points you wish to discuss from your previous life,¡± He continued in a much more normal voice.


    ¡°No, that life was the same as any other, one that was lived. I don¡¯t feel anything remaining¡­ lingering.¡± I said with a slight sneer on the last word. Sometimes I was plagued by aftereffects of a life. I¡¯d have to stay in the in-between for a few days or weeks before I was stable enough to start the next.


    ¡°So¡­¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°Okay, do you want to discuss it?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°¡­ Hmmm¡± Mags rumbled, and it reverberated in my chest cavity.


    ¡°I think I might need a life of adventure and heroics, if that¡¯s okay. I need to hit things without much remorse. Monsters if you will¡±¡±


    ¡°It is, Ardeus, I¡¯ll set that up.¡±


    I laid back onto the stone plinth that served as my transition to the next life. I mused about how it always felt stereotypically cultish to lay upon it. A knot in my gut I couldn¡¯t shake, a seed of emotion I couldn¡¯t shake.


    The stone was cold against my back through the thin cloth. I could hear the tapping of Mags wandering around, the hum of the strange magics that sent me to my next life whirring up.


    Just barely audible to me over the din as I was reincarnated, I heard one last sentence and I wasn¡¯t sure I was supposed to hear it.


    ¡°You must face yourself one day, Ardeus.¡±

 3. Tempers

    My next several lives were a whirlwind of violent avoidance. I kept plunging myself straight back into tumultuous lives ¡ª lives filled with living on a knifes edge, one misstep and I would have a brutal end. It staved away the frustrations and considerations I¡¯d have to make if I were to truly consider taking one of the new options. But I was running away with my rage.


    I snapped awake into the strange gloom of the in-between for the tenth time since finding out I had new options to choose from. Each life of violence had stoked the coals of anger into the roaring flame of rage I had right now. My back reported the hard plinth I lay upon, especially the boney points of my shoulders. It was always the same sensation that I was greeted with as I returned, mixed with the sensation of my last life¡¯s missing, recently torn away limb returning, the fingers disjointedly curling at my request. The feel of the cold steel I¡¯d had clutched in my remaining hand was fading quickly.


    Despite the sense of malaise from bleeding to death that lingered, I leapt to my feet and raged, the emotions of battle, of fear, of injustice, and of anger still coursed through my body. They were rejuvenated almost because they were no longer being countered by bleeding to death.


    ¡°Gods damn it all¡± I swept my arms at a nearby table¡¯s surface that I¡¯d put all of my plant-like memory objects. They littered the table¡¯s surface no more, instead they arced through the air and my rage continued.


    ¡°Welcome, Ardeus,¡± Mags rumbled. A sadness in his eyes as he looked at me.


    ¡°Mags,¡± I greeted him in a short, rasping sort of way and slumped to the ground, and my hands gripping my short hair tightly. I hummed in anger, releasing the noise as a way to curb the riotous feelings.


    Am I really ¡®me¡¯? The thought pierced through my anger, almost startling me. The intense emotions I was feeling had delayed the question a little this time. But it hit me all the same. There was that new, unfamiliar nuance hovering around it that had popped up ¡ª I now could actually find out what it was, or is like? To be me. If I could just choose that option. I slammed a fist onto the ground ¡ª it rippled in response, something that had amazed me when I had first arrived. But now it couldn¡¯t hold my wonder. The other hand squeezed at my arm hard subconsciously before it fell to the ground, joining the one that was now limply splayed on the ground.


    I worked through my mind, cycling my breathing, trying to rest control back over my emotions. Get my rational mind back in control again.


    Clenching my hands into fists a few times, the anger still seethed beneath my skin. I was having a hard time losing this rage that had appeared in me. My attempt to get rid of it was lacking. I was jumping into lives filled with risk and adventure, a surefire way of dying quickly in either a blaze of glory or horror. There were only a few times in my entire career on this carousel of reincarnation that I had grown old as an adventuring type; it was a rarity to live a long time, and I was banking on it.


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    ¡°You must stop this.¡± Mags broke through my thoughts with his version of a soft voice, it rumbled like distant thunder. I wheeled around at him, pushing my body to its feet and faced him. Feeling the hot anger flash and a sting of rage swell in response. A flaring of feeling and angst now with a direction.


    I couldn¡¯t stop the torrent from leaving my mouth if I wanted to ¡°Stop WHAT, Mags. I¡¯m¡­ I¡¯ve never been told why I am here, why me?! Why can¡¯t I save anyone in my lives so I can have a companion in all this? WHY AM I ALONE?¡± I raged and rattled against the cage of endlessly living that had become so claustrophobic. I could feel the words weren¡¯t what I was really upset about, but my mind was cloudy and it felt good to say those things out loud.


    The edge of the anger dampened a touch, and I looked back at Mags again. His face was taut, the edges of his mouth pulled back with his upper teeth bared just slightly.


    Seeing his face, shame ricocheted inside my body, overpowering the rage and a different type of heat now flooded it. I had sunk back into something I had long thought I had conquered. Unbridled rage.


    ¡°I¡­¡± My voice felt far away. I¡¯m sorry Mags.¡± I said, breathing through the rage that I still contested against. ¡°I¡¯m not really angry at you.¡± I basically spat out.


    ¡°Hmmmph,¡± He snorted and a cloud of vapour trailed upwards towards the cavernous ceiling above. ¡°I have tolerated your behaviour long enough. I am putting my foot forward.¡±


    I couldn¡¯t help but smile, he tried to use human similes, metaphors and analogies whenever possible, but they were often merged or applied wrong.


    ¡°Down, put your foot down. Like you are insisting you are to be listened to.¡± I corrected, trying to give context to this human saying. I looked up at him, and his eyes were twinkling down at me with amusement. ¡°Mags! You did that on purpose¡± I rolled my eyes at him in feigned annoyance, but grinned back up at him to show my gratitude. I knew the grin didn¡¯t touch my eyes, but it made me feel a little better all the same.


    ¡°You¡¯re welcome, small one. But I don¡¯t merely jest, I must insist that you do not continue on this path of self destruction. That was your last one. I will choose the next life.¡±


    Just as it was dissipating, it felt like my gut flipped ¡ª like being a child in trouble with their parents. A wash of adrenaline surged through me. I couldn¡¯t make heads or tails of the emotions I was feeling now; Fear? Anger? Worry? They blended and marched through me, leaving me in a state of confusion. I felt the urge to direct my rage again at Mags; he was taking away my choice. Threatening one of the core parts of my self-hood. Choice. But I was of a rational enough mind now that I knew that was my inner self, the vulnerable, scared self that still lingered in me wasn¡¯t right in this instance.


    I had kept my eyes closed and breathed through the roiling feelings wreaking havoc on my nervous system. I dared not respond until I got it all under control, so I just kept my eyes closed. And breathed.

 4. Ultimatum Delivered

    It took longer than I would like to admit to fully calm down. I buried myself in old memories, watching them like one would watch a play, trying to soothe the unidentified wound that was making me react so significantly. I kept questioning; was it fear? Fear of being able to find out what living life as myself was like again? Was it the fear I had a choice to stop it all? My thoughts were convoluted, and I only succeeded in chasing my emotions around in circles. I was glad that Mags had only given me the one ¡®order¡¯ and then left me alone to do as I pleased until I was ready for him to deliver on his ultimatum.


    I quietly tended to the table of plants that I¡¯d swept to the floor, swapping out pots, sweeping and trimming off the broken stems. Keeping some of the broken off pieces and setting them up to see if they would root into new plants. When I caught sight of the broken stems, I would feel my cheeks flush with shame at the memory of them sailing through the air.


    But it was time. I needed to face the music and set off on whatever Mags had in store for me.


    The cavern of the in-between¡¯s noises faded as I lay on the plinth, ready, the whirr and hum of the magics that transported me into my new life in full swing. A warm sensation passed over me, soothing the nerves that were riddling my mind a little.


    I had gone into lives blind only a handful of times, out of the countless times I¡¯d done this. Mostly it was in times like this, where Mags had decided I was being far too destructive to my own psyche and had stepped in. Early on I had fought him right until he¡¯d manhandled me, grasping me in one hand like a child moves a doll, and placed me on the plinth and shunted me off into a life of his choosing.


    After they ended, I always came out the other side with a newfound respect for him. I¡¯d been stuck, and he¡¯d forced me out of it by making me face something head on ¡ª I forget the specifics of the events now ¡ª it was early in my ¡®career¡¯. I was currently hoping he¡¯d magicked up a way to fix these unruly emotions with whatever the life was he¡¯d chosen.


    The familiar roaring sensation as I became one with the person I was reincarnating as ¡ª I always questioned if I was stealing someone else¡¯s life, but Mags always assured me that there was usually a reason that the soul had already left, I was replacing it like it¡¯d never gone in the first place.


    But the roaring. It was on the cusp of overwhelming, like those moments before fainting where the blood is rushing through your body into your head and your ears fill with a sound that¡¯s nauseating. It peaked in a crescendo of sound and I gasped for breath, filling my lungs with woody scented air.


    [You have arrived on Palinko]


    [Your name is Jerric Alingo ¡ª though this may be changed within the first 12 hours. ]


    [This world had access to a magic. You may pick a domain of your choosing from the following options:- [Reflection, Breathwork, Harmony]]


    ¡°Gods dammit Mags,¡± I said in my new voice, seeing the choice of magic ¡ª it was deep and resonant in my chest. I chuffed as I spoke. It was almost like Mags had sent me on a mandatory meditation retreat based on these powers available to me. I shook my head.


    I looked down at my hands. My skin was tanned, and my hands had the signs of hard work in the form of callouses on them. Based on their size, I seemed to be an adult, which was nice. I had all my active memories, too. The why what, how etc. So I was taking stock of my current situation, trying to guess what options Mags had dialled in.


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    Sitting on the edge of the bed, I looked around. I was in a simple wooden room, it had a bed, a chair that was pushed under a meticulously organised desk, and a low table in the centre of the room. One wall had a small window made of some kind of mesh, adjacent to a wooden door, the rest were just solid wooden panelling. I stood, feeling out the unfamiliar height of my latest self. The process, however, wasn¡¯t unfamiliar ¡ª I ran through a series of movements to get used to the new meat suit. I smirked to myself, recalling the conversation Mags and I had after I announced to him that I used the word meat suits to refer to the body I inhabit during reincarnations horrified him. He¡¯d spent the next several hours muttering to himself. I revelled in those moments that pushed him off kilter in the most obscure ways.


    Whilst I acclimatised to my new meat suit, I flicked through all the information I was provided by the system and read up on the magic system. It was interesting ¡ª Mags had outdone himself; magic in this world could only be achieved by a ¡®pristine mind¡¯, as they called it. Which was a mind clear of tumultuous emotions.


    You son of a.. I had no idea how he¡¯d finagled the options so finely tuned that I had no choice but to work on emotional control and management to get anywhere. I breathed in another big wood scented lung full of air and let it out slowly. This was probably going to be a challenge.


    ***


    The weeks passed in a blur of information, learning, and drills ¡ª I found I was a new intake to a monastery for people who had emotional control issues. Almost like an emotional rehab centre crossed with a monastery. Routine and meditation filled our days, all done in the goals of achieving that pristine mind.


    Because of their instability, society had deemed each person staying here, myself included, a threat to society ¡ª the magic system in this world was highly sensitive to emotions and would manifest in archaic and unexpected ways if left unchecked. Just in my few weeks of being in this life, I¡¯d had several outbursts. Each was as unpleasant as the last, and the latest had left me with significant burns over a portion of my body.


    I was seeing returns on the intensive meditation and routines, in the form of taking my first steps to master my domain, Harmony; I had picked it because I figured either go hard into this life, and it works, or it doesn¡¯t. But half-arsing it, and avoiding the reason Mags put me in this life, would just end up unsatisfying for everyone. I could half heartedly tell him a form of ¡®I told you so¡¯ but I hadn¡¯t even known what was coming so that wouldn¡¯t have even worked.


    Fighting without fear, anger, rage, as a companion was something I had never really tried to do. There was usually no need to try ¡ª normally my fighting was fuelled by them. But the magic users here fought with a logical clarity that terrified me when I first witnessed it. To articulate the control over their magics without a backlash hitting them or their allies was essential. To me, as an outsider, the emotionless precision felt unnatural and gave me chills during those first few times I observed fights. It was also during my first attempt at learning to fight with emotional control that had abruptly ended with me being covered in burns. I was just thankful I had only hurt myself.


    ***


    Years passed, and this life had given me a peace that I hadn¡¯t realised I was missing, but now, at the end, I couldn¡¯t help feeling robbed of the rest of this life. My bones ached as I sat with my back against a wall, cradling a young girl, who was also dying from the same virulent disease. If I¡¯d have had enough energy, tears would have been rolling down my cheeks. Despite all the training and all the practice, my emotions were roiling in my gut again, but this time, I was being lanced with a sadness that joined the virus ravaging my body, and sank into my bones, weighing them down whilst they ached.


    I wheezed a few more breaths, ever hopeful someone or something might have come along and saved us, but nothing did. But now, nearing the end, I could feel I was close to the end.


    I felt it happen, and I knew where I was going next, my muscles spasmed gently and everything around me felt slow and far away. It was almost as if I sank into the ground as I died. My last thoughts were of the little girl, hoping she had already died before me, so she wasn¡¯t alone.

 5. Silence In Between

    I heard the sounds of the in-between. The soft silence that padded my ears, interspersed with the deep resonant inhales, shortly followed by exhales that would have caused gusts of air that would have sent my hair if this had been a real fully physical cavern.


    The calm and clarity of mind gained during the decade or so of intense emotional training persisted in me; I felt like a still boat on a calm ocean, but the end of that life weighed a little differently on my shoulders.


    A random nameless disease that had ravaged the entire area had robbed me of a life that really should have been much longer. I was amongst the initial wave of infections, so I had very little idea of the likely survival rates for the population, my heart ached for them.


    I thought of the little girl, whose name I had never known. We had been put into isolation together to stem the infection rates, but we were both too sick by that point to have any conversation.


    Am I me? I thought, the emotional control I had gained was still present. I clung to the techniques, resolving to store them in a permanent memory so I could refer to it when needed.


    I began contemplating the familiar question from a refreshing viewpoint. Was the lack of emotional reactions making me feel more like me, or was it that the emotional responses made me more ¡®me¡¯?


    ¡°Welcome, Ardeus,¡± Mags interrupted my thoughts, and my eyes fluttered open to meet his.


    ¡°Hi Mags,¡± I smiled softly at him.


    ¡°I must apologise for doing that, but I hope you understand why I did a little better now.¡±


    My smile stretched a little further ¡ª it was still a small one, so it still had a lot of room to widen.


    ¡°I do, Mags, and if you need it, I forgive you. But, yes, I do understand.¡± I said and paused before I wheeled around on him. This time, the speed was driven by curiosity, not rage or anger. ¡°How¡¯d you manage it, though? ¡®Pristine Mind¡¯ magic?? What insane combination did you make to get that?¡± I said, my face animating through habit more than the emotions I felt.


    ¡°Well, you see¡­¡± Mags began, what followed was an animated and intense discussion about the intricacies of the system and how choosing certain things would nudge others. He never told me the exact options, though he never did.


    ¡°Your anger. It is lessened?¡± Mags stated both as a question and an observation after a period of companionable silence.


    ¡°I think so. At least, I know techniques that help to divert it. They¡¯ll fade though, so I was hoping to put it into a permanent,¡±


    ¡°As with all things, they will fade through time without maintenance. You are wise to store it.¡± Mags¡¯ chest puffed up like a proud teacher¡¯s.


    ¡°You must have worked hard though, Ardeus, I am proud of you,¡± Mags¡¯ voice softened and his eyes twinkled down at me. My throat tightened as I heard the words. Earning his praise felt¡­ dampened? Somehow, I wasn¡¯t getting that warm sensation of approval that usually accompanied a statement like that. I felt hollow instead. I wasn¡¯t feeling the anger, but I also wasn¡¯t feeling the happiness ¡ª like an emptiness had replaced the anger.


    Instead of the intense rage and anger I had been battling with, I now felt nothing, like a void of emptiness. Upon realising it, I felt a panic rise up in me, a small surge before it quickly deadened to an ignorable itch dwelling in the back of my mind.


    ¡°Huh, Mags, I think I broke something else,¡±


    ¡°You broke something? How have you managed that in only the time you have been awake here?¡±


    I smirked with little feeling behind it.


    ¡°No, the emotional control, I don¡¯t think it¡¯s working right. I don¡¯t feel¡­ anything? In the last life I could still feel the emotions, despite the control and techniques I practiced. But now? Out here? I¡¯m feeling devoid of anything but the merest flashes.¡±


    ¡°Oh dear¡± He said, lifting a claw to his mouth, tapping on one of the scale ridges of his lip. ¡°That is most concerning, give me a moment and I shall look into it.¡±


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    ¡°No, that¡¯s okay Mags, I think I know what I want to do for my next life. I feel like I need something meaningful, something I have to claw and pry every victory of survival ¡ª or otherwise ¡ª from the grip of fate.¡±


    An uncertain rumble filled the cavern, resonating in my chest.


    ¡°I have concerns about this choice, Ardeus.¡± He paused, giving me enough time to interrupt him and stop him or otherwise, but I, for once, I thought, was willing to hear his thoughts on the matter.


    ¡°You seem¡­ weakened, vulnerable to emotional upsets. I am concerned that you may not endure the hardships that are involved with a life like that. Somewhat selfishly, I do not wish to see you head backwards into that uncontrolled state you were suffering so much in.¡±


    I didn¡¯t feel the anger anymore, but I¡¯d quietened every emotion down. I needed a life where everything matters. Down to the scrap of bread I could find on a street corner, or the sip of clean water I could steal from a drinking fountain when no one¡¯s looking. Living a like like that makes the well of gratitude for the little things grows deep.


    ¡°I will state my reservations about the idea again, but I can understand. I hope it goes as you would like it to. In the mean time I will research¡­ other¡­ options.¡±


    ***


    It was worse than I could have ever imagined. Dying had been a blessing ¡ª the suffering was an even greater challenge than I had expected, and I felt the weight of failure sinking onto my shoulders.


    ¡°What was the point of someone living that life, Mags?¡± I held my head in my hands. The beating of my sick heart now just a whispering echo.


    ¡°Why must there be a point?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not the only one who lives a life like that ¡ª how is a life like that fair for someone who only lives once? I just needed meaning in living these lives, but now? What purpose does this all serve?¡± I said, choking back the emotions rising in my throat.


    ¡°You are here because you are,¡± Mags said in his most level-headed tone.


    I let out a half-grunted, half-hummed noise. I¡¯d heard that answer innumerable times, and it never made it any better. In fact, right now it made it worse, it was like a platitude, or a line like ¡°just forget about it¡± when worrying was becoming overwhelming despite it being about events I couldn¡¯t change. Mags looked down at me with the expression a mother does when a child is stuck having a tantrum over something they can¡¯t quite understand yet.


    I calmed myself back down almost immediately after my outburst, utilising the breathing techniques I¡¯d gained only a life before.


    Sheepishly catching Mags¡¯ eye before mumbling through my mild shame, ¡°Sorry.¡±


    ¡°You are aware that part of my role here is to help tend to your psychological needs. I cannot lie or give you false answers, though. For what it is worth, I am also sorry it causes you pain.¡±


    ¡°I am also to remind you that the emotional dampening effects will slowly reduce any hangover feelings that stuck with you post life, and are potentially causing you strife.¡±


    ¡°What if that¡¯s not what I want, Mags? What if I want to feel every pain and upset so that,¡± I gestured with a flailing hand, ¡°¡­ that life still meant something,¡± I said, my voice raising as my throat tightened.


    ¡°Ardeus, may I say something you may not like?¡± Mags shuffled his large form around the table that was covered in the slowly regrowing plants, some of the cuttings taking hold, some still struggling on. He held eye contact with me and stopped within his arm¡¯s reach. His clawed hand reached out and rested over my shoulders. It was the closest thing to a hug he could safely give me.


    My throat hitched again, but I swallowed it away and took a moment to consider, ¡°Okay Mags,¡± I said with a mild suspicion. Mags was prone to philosophical and esoteric views or ideas, at least to my fairly human mind.


    ¡°I believe¡­ that you are grieving your own life.¡±


    I inhaled sharply and my eyes widened. It felt like that sentence ricocheted around my mind like an echo repeating itself over and over.


    ¡°My own life?¡±


    ¡°Yes, I was suspicious after your behaviour markedly changed when your new options arrived. After several false leads and dead ends, I finally did some research on human grief.¡±


    ¡°But¡­ What does that mean? That¡­ deep down, I want it to end?¡± I said, screwing my face up.


    ¡°It may, or just the very concept that it could end has made you grieve. It took you a long time to get used to the concept of living different lives over and over. So having that thrown into question is likely to cause you emotional turbulence.¡±


    I stood feeling the gentle weight of Mags¡¯ hand around my shoulders, my mind still reeling from his revelation. The pieces started to click into place like a jigsaw was being rapidly made in my mind. A small bead of true clarity began to grow.


    ¡°I¡¯ve been avoiding it,¡± I said, staring into the distance.


    I felt the slight squeeze of pressure from Mags¡¯ hand as I spoke. Reassuring me. It felt strange sometimes. This giant Draconic creature of unfathomable origins was like a parent, friend and a mentor, all wrapped in one. The comfort I felt from this scaled hand resting on my shoulders was immense. During lives, when I was completely aware of who I was, I missed him. When I knew death was approaching me, I looked forward to telling him all about it ¡ª not that I let him know. I felt the sting of tears brewing in my eyes as my mind dealt with the realisations of what was truly plaguing me ¡ª and the ramifications of that being true. I sought an end?


    ¡°For what it is worth, I am sorry that your last life did not go as you had hoped. I think you are looking for fulfilment in the wrong places right now. You may need to face what you¡¯ve truly been avoiding.¡± He paused and inhaled a huge breath, steadying himself.


    ¡°You must face being the person you consider the real you.¡± He gazed at me with an intensity I hadn¡¯t experienced before, his eyes flicking between mine. It felt like he was trying to analyse my very soul.

 6. Acceptance

    ¡°How do I live a life as me?¡­¡± I floundered, ¡°I¡¯m afraid, Mags, what if I do something wrong? The choices all feel so much more¡­ weighty? Final? I don¡¯t know. Something about the idea of being ¡®my real self¡¯ makes me unable to make any kind of real choice.¡± My mouth kept moving soundlessly, and I gaped at Mags.


    ¡°I think it is because it feels final to you. That is my guess, at least.¡± He released my shoulders from his hug-like grip on my shoulders, and he paced around the cavern a little.


    I didn¡¯t have the words I needed, the giant walls of terror had grown inside me, built of anger and fear. The recent revelations and understanding had only caused the smallest of gaps to open up in it, it felt like I hadn¡¯t had enough time, but I knew I¡¯d be miserable, irritable and just downright awful to be around until I faced it properly. Paralysed by indecision but at the same time paralysed by choice. Stuck.


    ¡°May I help you? Ardeus?¡±


    ¡°I think¡­ I need you to,¡± I mumbled towards my feet


    ¡°I want to select the options for the life you¡¯re going to live next, one as your core self that is, if you come out the life feeling rejuvenated, and we shall see where that leaves you. Making this choice now, does not make your next choice final.¡±


    I was surprised at how comfortable I suddenly felt with the concept of my choice being made for me at such a critical feeling point. But I realised it was exactly how I needed it to be.


    I needed zero expectations or understanding of what I was going to face going into this life. I needed to explore it with fresh eyes. No predetermined choices made in my mind, no plans for how the life would go. I needed to just live a life, as close to ¡®normally¡¯ as I could. One where I had no foresight, not a glimmer of how this life would go. In a way, freedom, and right now I needed to be free from having to make a choice.


    ¡°Yes, I¡­ would like that.¡± I said, though my emotions still felt hollow and far away, but there was a softness enveloping me, a resignation to it happening and release of tension that had been built up in me.


    Mags asked if I was ready to head into the next life now in the exact same way he always did, and I assented. We headed towards the plinth plodding through the large cavern, the racks of memories dominating the majority of the space, with the small area sectioned out for relaxing.


    The plinth was there, unassuming rectangle that looked like it was made of stone. I laid upon it whilst Mags busied himself dialling in options and prepping everything needed to initiate the process.


    ¡°All I ask is you try to live life to the fullest like you do with any other life. To the end, to it¡¯s fullest.¡±


    ¡°I will Mags, you know I don¡¯t like to leave any stone unturned. I¡¯ll treat mine the same, I promise.¡±


    The magic hummed to life, and any further conversation became difficult and I settled in, relaxing as the magic faded me from the in-between and blended me into my next life.


    I had a momentary awareness I was a baby. I knew it would be a while before the details of who I was and why would come back to me again, it was a wonderful time being a child, most of the time. My soul hummed with excitement and dread, the next adventure awaited.


    ***


    This time, the warm embrace held me close as I slipped into unconsciousness. Before it¡¯s held grasped me completely, I could still hear the murmurs of my family and loved ones in the room surrounding me, all speaking in hushed tones. A person quietly crying. A distinct, but gentle, voice, right near my head, cut through the soft background noise.


    Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    ¡°We love you, grandpa, you can go now.¡± She said, her voice trembling and wavering as she spoke.


    I so desperately wanted to reassure her, tell her I loved her, I loved them all, one last time. But the warmth and softness of death held me tightly, and I felt my lungs deflate as I tried to utter my last words.


    ¡°I love¡­¡± I sighed out.


    It was much too soon, but life always ended before you really want it to. Don¡¯t get me wrong, I died right when I was supposed to ¡ª old and happy, surrounded by family. I was at peace and wouldn¡¯t trade that kind of death for basically any other I had ever experienced.


    I felt the blackness; I felt the absence, and I wanted to remain right there.


    That¡¯s when I knew.


    I awoke, laid out on the familiar stoney surface. I still felt like the old age version of me, my long white hair still cascading outwards, my rasping breath, my strength barely a whisper. It was peaceful; I kept my eyes closed, holding onto the feelings and sensations.


    I knew what was coming, and I tried to resist, holding the sensations tight to me.


    But my breathing eased, my lungs expanded like a peak athlete¡¯s. I sobbed.


    The painful knot that had been my constant companion in my hip for the last few decades relaxed and left me. I clenched my fists.


    I didn¡¯t want it to all go. There was an anger rising in me at the thefts.


    I kept my eyes closed and laid there. Tears running down the side of my face, feeling the wet pooling in my eyes before a twitch of movement sent them running down my face.


    I dwelled in the silence, except, I realised, for the deep breathing of my constant companion. Mags. This silence was comfortable.


    That¡¯s when I knew I was grateful it hadn¡¯t ended exactly when I wanted it to.


    I was me; I am me ¡ª I¡¯m always me. Every person I have been is me, and this embodiment is just the first of many. Maybe it¡¯s fitting¡­


    ¡°Welcome, Ardeus,¡± He rumbled, and I opened my eyes and leaned up to look at him, my tears flowing freely from my eyes.


    ¡°The Magnificent,¡± I started, addressing him by his full title, and another sob left my throat. I eased myself up into a sitting position, resting onto my elbows, tired still from the efforts.


    Mags¡¯ eyes were rounded and staring at me, filled with concern and compassion. He reached out with his giant clawed hand and scooped me up. I bawled like a young child encompassed by the rough scales of his hand, very much feeling like the small child I sounded like.


    ¡°Believe it or not, Ardeus, but you are my longest companion in this cycle of life that you call the carousel. I learnt from past charges that expanding one¡¯s memory is most essential ¡ª now you are ending this journey. I want to tell you why.


    ¡°Seeing you struggle with what it means to be you, when you live through many different lives, was tough. But nowhere near as tough as seeing a reincarnator¡¯s memories erode to the point of madness. I have discovered, unfortunately, through trial and error, that expanding one¡¯s memory was essential to keep you from that insanity. It is a fate I wouldn¡¯t wish upon a single soul. I feel blessed you have avoided it, that there is a different way to leave, and to have been present for all of this time.¡±


    The hot salty tears ran down my once again young cheeks, no longer just crying unashamedly, in a full flood of emotion. It was down to a trickle.


    ¡°I never could put my finger on why, I thought it was maybe because I complained so much, and you were sick of having the same conversations over and over.¡±


    I paused, sniffling, wiping my face of tears. Before looking back up at Mags¡¯ face from the palm of his hand.


    ¡°Or maybe you wanted a library of memories to look through whilst I was gone ¡ª I still don¡¯t understand what happens to you in the years I¡¯m living lives.¡±


    Mags chuckled, that sound like a distant rumbling of a landslide, but not deafening like one up close.


    ¡°I treasure every single memory we have made together.¡± Somehow, Mags softened his expression even further before he continued.


    ¡°I am filled with a terrible sadness that this is coming to an end, and I have experienced all I will with you. But I am also happy, knowing that you are content. Fulfilled in all the ways you feel like you needed to be to move on. Though, Ardeus, if I may, this won¡¯t be the end as you may expect.¡±


    ***


    As I lay upon the plinth, knowing the option to stop being reincarnated was selected, truly stepping into an unknown unlike any other I had faced in my countless cycles of reincarnation, and all the lives¡¯ events. It was completely unlike the times I stepped into a life unknown to me ¡ª they always had concepts and expectations that I knew and understood, always present like the need to breathe air. What happened next was a complete mystery to me, and I was finally ready and willing to take this last step into the unknown.


    It was comforting that the process was still the same. The hum of the magics whirred up, the paradoxical moment of a deafening cacophony and an absolute silence flooded my ears, I had my eyes open and I smiled looking at Mags, I could feel the magic start to take hold


    Above, beneath, or through ¡ª it was hard to tell ¡ª I heard one last thing cutting through the din of the magic surrounding me from Mags.


    ¡°May we meet again, Ardeus, The Transcendent.¡±