《So That One May Better Bloom》 90% Part 1 ¡°Thanks Milo.¡± ¡°You¡¯re welcome,¡± I replied as I finished pouring the tea. ¡°Guess what¨Cmy friend has hanahaki disease,¡± said Bella. ¡°His name¡¯s Greg.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t say?¡± Bella was the neighbors¡¯ kid. She was staring at the tea I had just poured for her, but it was too hot to drink yet. I wasn¡¯t fully awake. I always woke up early on Saturday, in an attempt to keep my sleep cycle stable for work. When Bella had rang my doorbell I was still getting my bearings. ¡°Yeah, he went to the doctor for it. He¡¯s been prescribed bloomycin¨Chave you heard of it?¡± I shook my head. ¡°I guess he¡¯s getting treatment because for him it was worse than normal.¡± ¡°Won¡¯t taking medicine for it get rid of his crush?¡± I sipped my coffee. It was amazing. The clarity, not the coffee. I tried not to drink any until I¡¯d already been up for a while, which supposedly made it more effective, but excuses like a visitor were all I needed to drink it whenever I wanted. ¡°I looked it up, that¡¯s just a myth. Hanahaki is a parasite, not a¡­¡± ¡°Normal physiological reaction,¡± I suggested. ¡°Yeah. So getting it treated doesn¡¯t change much about your crush. I think he was exaggerating it anyway.¡± She went on to describe Greg: his involvement with some school sport, his infatuation with a cheerleader. I did my best to pay attention. I¡¯d let Bella in when she knocked, that morning, because I felt guilty for having not talked to the neighbors in a few weeks. I was close to her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Brookes. The Brookes had hit a rough patch after a tragedy a few years earlier. I¡¯d happened to move in next door around that time, and when I heard about what happened to their son, I¡¯d wanted to help. After doing chores around their house I¡¯d become good friends with both of them, and also their daughter Bella. I had a predisposition to helping people, I liked to think. As though anyone else¡¯s joy became my own. It helped me make friends, as well. ¡°Are you listening?¡± asked Bella. ¡°Of course,¡± I said. ¡°Are you cheering for Greg and¡­ ¡° I hadn¡¯t caught her name, ¡°...the other girl?¡± ¡°Greg¡¯s one of my friends. I hope the best for him.¡± ¡±A friend from school. A good friend?¡± Maybe she brought him up for a reason. She wasn¡¯t cheering for the cheerleader. ¡°Friend is a bit strong, I guess. I don¡¯t think we¡¯ll talk much after we all go off to college, but¡­ his suffering still matters, you know?¡± I approved of the attitude. ¡°Now¡¯s the time to get into the habit of regular contact,¡± I said. ¡°It worked for me and my highschool friends.¡± ¡°They live like forty minutes away, right?¡± ¡°They could be neighbors,¡± I said, pointing across the way to the Vesta¡¯s home. ¡°Doesn¡¯t matter how close. Without regular time together, we wouldn¡¯t be friends.¡± The Vestas were always calling the homeowner¡¯s association, but they never came to the meetings, and more than once a young Bella had lost a ball or something else to their yard. She would understand what I meant: they were the neighborhood jerks, nobody¡¯s friends regardless of proximity. ¡°Sounds like a lot of work,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m not sure it¡¯s worth it.¡± Bella had an independent streak. ¡°Well, it would be easier if you ended up going to the same school. Speaking of which, have you decided yet?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not even close,¡± said Bella. She started rehashing some considerations that I had a hard time focusing on. Good considerations¨Ccloseness to her parents, prestige of the school, the program she might get into¨Cbut I was still drinking my first cup of coffee and I¡¯d already heard these things. I also hadn¡¯t slept well. She asked me about mechanical engineering and the local college. It was a program I¡¯d dropped out of, in the end, but I still had some answers for her. As Bella spoke she waved around her hands with an animatedness that was a effective on me as the caffeine. The thought made me smile. I noticed that Bella was holding a large ring with twine and feathers attached to it. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± I asked. ¡°Oh, this?¡± She threw her long braid behind her head. ¡°It''s a dreamcatcher. It¡¯s also why I came over in the first place.¡± ¡°Weird,¡± I said, setting my coffee down. ¡°A random dreamcatcher?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± she replied as she held it up. ¡°Is it yours?¡± ¡°Nope.¡± ¡°It blew in on the wind, so I thought it might be from your yard.¡± Bits and bobs sometimes landed in the neighborhood. We lived in a windy part of town. ¡°I¡¯ve got nothing but the one wind chime hanging up, in fact. You might want to check with the Settlers up the way.¡± ¡°The wind blows from you, past us, toward them. So it can¡¯t be theirs.¡± ¡°The wind can change,¡± I said. ¡°Well, do you want it?¡± I carefully took the dreamcatcher from her. It was very well made, with purple beads dotting it and what looked like a parrot¡¯s feathers. A tightly-wrapped leather strip hadn¡¯t been displaced by its journey on the wind. The ring underneath the leather was made of a heavier metal and was very resilient. I felt myself squeezing it and thinking about mechanical properties. It was probably iron or steel. The Brookes had a parrot, and Bella¡¯s favorite color was purple. ¡°This looks like something you made.¡± ¡°I may have spruced it up a bit,¡± she admitted. ¡°I hope that¡¯s okay.¡± ¡°Hmmm. I¡¯ve already caught all my dreams.¡± She snorted into her tea, then coughed. ¡°Don¡¯t choke, now.¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine, I¡¯m fine. Well, I figured you¡¯d like it, and it¡¯s not like we have a use for it. We have way too many wind chimes already, so we shouldn¡¯t keep things like this¡­ but if you don¡¯t want it, I could check with the Settlers instead.¡± Bella¡¯s mother liked to make wind chimes and sell them. Their house had a dozen or more hanging from it, because Mrs. Brookes made many more chimes than she sold. Even their trees had chimes on them. I¡¯d already been given one. It was the only decoration hanging up in my very small backyard. The idea of keeping something brought by the winds, or otherwise, appealed to me. ¡°I think I will keep it. Thank you.¡± ¡°Really?¡± She beamed. Bella talked a bit about how her mother had bought more supplies, and about how her father still couldn¡¯t say no even if the side business wasn¡¯t profitable. I told her it wasn¡¯t always about the profit. The conversation went on, until I noticed Bella had finished most of her tea and that my coffee cup was empty. I stood. ¡°Thank you for visiting, Bella. It¡¯s almost time for my run, though, so I think we should call it here.¡± ¡°That sounds good,¡± she said. ¡°You know, you haven¡¯t visited us in a while.¡± ¡°I was just thinking the same. The weather¡¯s nice. Maybe I could come over and grill some things, like old times?¡± For a while I¡¯d done that for her parents, when they weren¡¯t happy enough to cook for themselves. I hadn¡¯t known how to cook back then, so grilling was what I always did for them. ¡°That¡¯s a great idea.¡± I led Bella to the door. ¡°Tell your pa I suggested it, and then you can text me a good day to come over. Not Wednesday, though.¡± ¡°Soup kitchen?¡± ¡°That¡¯s right.¡± I¡¯d started volunteering right after I¡¯d realized that feeding people made me happy. Considering what I was paid at work, it was a bad way to spend my time¨CI could work a bit more, in theory, and earn more money to give¨Cbut I kept wanting to go to the soup kitchen anyway. The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡°Gotcha, gotcha. You¡¯re too busy, you know?¡± ¡ª I went for my run, but it was painful. The air was dry and irritated my lungs. I tried to push through it but I ended up jogging most of the way instead. I probably would have given up entirely if there wasn¡¯t social pressure involved. As my lungs started to painfully burn, I slowed down. It¡¯s important to listen to your body, because it usually speaks with a soft voice. The same could be said about my running partner, Diana. She was too polite to run back and forth while waiting for me to catch up, too polite to leave me in the dust, and also too polite to ask me what my problem was. She was waiting under a tree. I could see the question on her face. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m so slow today,¡± I said as I gasped. ¡°The air¡¯s really dry.¡± ¡°Hmm,¡± she said as she turned toward the next part of the path. Diana was a very motivated athlete, but my legs were longer than hers. Usually I was faster. ¡°Is it,¡± huff, ¡°Affecting you?¡± I asked. As summer wore on I found it harder and harder to run. It felt like I was losing progress. ¡°Not really. Maybe you are coming down with something?¡± She seemed empathetic. ¡°Don¡¯t injure yourself.¡± I¡¯d met Diana at the local gym, at about the time I decided physical health was a rational thing to pursue. I¡¯d seen her there a few times, but hadn¡¯t spoken to her at first because that''s an unaccountably rude thing to do to a woman at the gym. We¡¯d finally become friends after I¡¯d taken a free weights class that she led, and I¡¯d realized how motivated she was. An effective way to motivate yourself to go to the gym was to have friends who really wanted to go to the gym. Diana had been too polite to refuse my offer to align our training schedules, and we¡¯d become friends after that. I¡¯d learned that Diana was at the gym every day because once-upon-a-time she¡¯d been overweight. I¡¯d inferred that she was always on the edge of gaining that weight back. She seemed disposed toward a heavier build, and was pragmatic enough to want muscle instead of fat. Diana was short, but quite strong and relentless. I wasn¡¯t nearly so motivated¨Cbut I tried not to drag her down as she pulled me up. ¡°Maybe I am coming down with something,¡± I said, feeling the familiar temptation to skip the rest of my workout. That I could refuse to give up once, was the reason I could refuse to give up every time. ¡°You should just go ahead, don¡¯t let me slow you down.¡± ¡°You always wait for me,¡± she responded. ¡°You aren¡¯t usually far behind.¡± Diana started to go forward, so I stood up and got moving. ¡°Let¡¯s take it easy this time,¡± she said. She walked, allowing me to keep up. I noticed she was standing a bit further away than normal. She probably didn¡¯t want to catch whatever hypothetical illness I had. I should have brought my mask. ¡°Maybe it¡¯s hanahaki,¡± I said as a joke, before realizing it was a dumb joke to make. I didn¡¯t have a crush on anyone, anyway. Diana raised her eyebrow. ¡°It¡¯s a parasite, right? Contagious?¡± ¡°No,¡± she said. ¡°Not contagious. It¡¯s just everywhere.¡± ¡°Is that so?¡± We were walking slowly enough for me to mostly keep my breath. ¡°I know a bit about it. The Amorfloris parasite produces spores on the petals. They dry up and last for years.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t know that.¡± ¡°Everyone has spores in their lungs, at all times. Humanity has lived with it for thousands of years.¡± Diana was a historian, I was pretty sure, or perhaps an evolutionary biologist. We didn¡¯t talk about our work or hobbies much, unless you counted working out as hobby, which it was for me. ¡°What causes a flare up, anyway?¡± ¡°Infatuation,¡± she said. ¡°No, I mean, what¡¯s the mechanism?¡± Diana shrugged her muscular shoulders. ¡°I know it can destroy your routine. If it¡¯s hanahaki, you need to go to the doctor. Your lungs are too important to risk.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t have hanahaki, I was making a joke. Someone brought it up earlier today.¡± ¡°Tell them to go to the doctor,¡± she said. I explained to her that it was a friend of a friend who was sick, and he was already getting some sort of treatment, but her look only became more skeptical. ¡°I think I¡¯m good to run again for a bit,¡± I said, mostly to end the awkward conversation. She nodded and took off. I managed to keep up for a while. ¡ª Saturdays were probably my favorite day of the week. The exercise improved my mood, even if I struggled, or perhaps especially when I struggled. Unlike weekdays, I didn¡¯t have to go to bed after my workout. But I did have other things to get done. I made Saturday afternoons my day for taking care of household chores. I ran through a checklist I¡¯d made when I moved in, one that I only updated every several months. Clean the toilet, change the sheets, that sort of thing. One thing that visitors often said was that my house was unusually clean for a bachelor¡¯s. All I needed to do to make that true, was follow a simple schedule. The schedule was easy to stick to because my afternoon reward would be videogames with my friends. The clean house, the fun; thus Saturday was the most relieving day of the entire week. That wasn¡¯t to say I disliked work. I had a very compelling job, with intelligent and motivated coworkers. It was just that for whatever reason the thought of returning to work was exhausting. ¡°Dude, pay attention!¡± said Gavin. I¡¯d let an opponent kill his avatar in the game. ¡°Sorry, sorry,¡± I said. ¡°I ran hard today.¡± ¡°Nah, it¡¯s not your fault,¡± He revived and went after the objective. ¡°Not your fault that you love the treadmill.¡± ¡°Actually, it¡¯s nice enough to run outside, now.¡± ¡°In the city?¡± asked Anna, my other friend in chat. ¡°Isn¡¯t that dangerous, what with all the cars?¡± ¡°There are trails,¡± I said. ¡°Next time you visit I could show you one.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not a runner.¡± I knew that, of course. I¡¯d known Gavin and Anna forever, since we were little kids. We¡¯d grown up in the same small town. It was a place that we¡¯d run all over, getting into all kinds of trouble. When I¡¯d graduated high school and moved to the city for college¨Cthe nearest city¨Cwe¡¯d all stayed friends. Anna and Gavin had stayed behind, but they weren¡¯t all that far away. I still saw them whenever one or the other came to visit, and we played games once a week at least. I never saw them at the same time, though. I was the one holding the friend group together with my schedule. Most people wouldn¡¯t think to schedule video games, but that was the only way I¡¯d get to play them, just like it was the only way I would get my exercise. ¡°I meant that we could walk the trail. It¡¯s pretty, and goes all the way to the campus." ¡°Probably not as pretty as the countryside,¡± she replied. ¡°Fewer shitting cows, that¡¯s true.¡± ¡°I get enough exercise at work anyway,¡± said Gavin, ¡°No way I¡¯m going on a hike on my off day.¡± Gavin worked as a mechanic, and repairs often took him out to various farms. When he wasn¡¯t fixing something he was working the fields along with his customers. He was a good mechanic, and perhaps he did a lot of physical labor because of that. His repairs lasted a long time; he needed other work. Anna also worked on a farm¨Cmore accurately a ranch¨Cbut she handled logistics rather than repairs, wrangling, or irrigation. For the most part she did math, but when there was work, she''d do it. We had all done such work, myself included. I¡¯d spent the summers working on a ranch in high school. Physical labor was very healthy and fulfilling, and about once a year I missed it. Then I would go to visit Anna or Gavin, help one of them set up a fence or paint a deck, and realize that my office job paid four times as much and the gym gave me so many fewer injuries. I liked the gym, too, and at least there my back would remain intact. When I¡¯d become a college student I¡¯d let myself get a bit weaker. At first that had worsened when I started my corporate job¨Cbut going to the gym had reversed all the damage, I liked to believe. I was in better shape than I¡¯d be at any other point in my life. Neither Anna nor Gavin cared how much I could bench. ¡°Speaking of work, I¡¯ll be in town tomorrow afternoon,¡± said Anna. ¡°Isn¡¯t Sunday the day of rest?¡± asked Gavin. ¡°No rest for the wicked,¡± she responded. Then: ¡°Want to meet up?¡± ¡°Absolutely,¡± I replied. ¡°I guess I won¡¯t make you run.¡± ¡°Good. Coffee instead?¡± ¡°Quit planning dates when you¡¯re supposed to be murdering people,¡± said Gavin. I laughed, which turned into a cough, but I hit the mute button fast enough to hide it. ¡°On second thought, I¡¯d better not,¡± I said. ¡°Busy with something else?¡± she asked. At one point, I¡¯d played games with them almost every night instead of just every weekend¨Cevery night except for those before an exam. I¡¯d been making more effective use of my time since then. ¡°No, I think I have a cold.¡± ¡°Darn,¡± she said. Our game continued. ¡°Next time, I guess.¡± ¡°Is it hanahaki?¡± asked Gavin. ¡°Why does everybody think of that first?¡± I asked, exasperated. ¡°I¡¯m already sick of hearing it.¡± ¡°Everyone gets it at least once,¡± he responded. I knew that to be false¨CI¡¯d never gotten it. ¡°It¡¯s the right season,¡± said Anna. ¡°How do you figure?¡± I said while saving Gavin¡¯s life in the game. ¡°Spring going on summer. That¡¯s the right time for flowers to bloom.¡± ¡°Spring is in the air,¡± said Gavin. ¡°Yeah, right. I looked it up. Hanahaki doesn¡¯t change depending on the seasons.¡± I¡¯d done a bit of research after my run. The disease was slightly more common in winter, but it had nothing to do with the parasite preferring the season. It was just that people were more prone to illness in general during those months, and that hanahaki could be worsened by other diseases. ¡°Don¡¯t you work out with a pretty lady?¡± Gavin asked about all the women in my life, which was exhausting, or perhaps it just felt particularly exhausting at that moment. ¡°Seeing her might have triggered it, don¡¯t you think? In her workout clothes?¡± Diana did look good in her gym clothes, but I¡¯d promised myself we¡¯d only be friends before I¡¯d talked to her. ¡°What a gentleman,¡± said Anna. She hadn¡¯t read my mind¨Cshe was criticizing Gavin. ¡°And working out¨Cit must be related to breathing hard!¡± He was oblivious to Anna¡¯s insult. ¡°Breathing rate isn¡¯t important for hanahaki,¡± I said. It was true that you¡¯d breathe faster when in love, everyone knew that¨Cbut the parasites didn¡¯t respond to things like that. ¡°It¡¯s neurochemicals and hormones that make people get it, when they are experiencing limerence. The neurochemicals match the parasite¡¯s own hormones.¡± ¡°Experiencing what?¡± asked Gavin. ¡°A crush,¡± I said. ¡°Whatever, nerd,¡± he said. ¡°Well, do you have a crush on anyone?¡± asked Anna. ¡°No.¡± ¡°No problem, then,¡± said Gavin. ¡°Well, except that you have a cold. Or lung cancer.¡± 90% Part 2 On Monday I went to work. The coughing had gone away. For a little while I regretted refusing Anna¡¯s offer to meet up, but when I considered it I realized that taking a day off at home might have been the thing that helped me feel better. A day off early on might save several days of illness; I¡¯d learned to give myself breaks when I needed them. I wore a mask at work because it was a nice thing to do. I didn¡¯t know if I was contagious, and although masks were a bit awkward, no-one would comment on me wearing one, because that wouldn¡¯t be a nice thing to say. If I were honest with myself, my intelligent and motivated coworkers weren¡¯t always nice¨Cbut the ones on my immediate team tended to be alright. ¡°What¡¯s wrong with you?¡± asked Chloe shortly after walking into my office. She¡¯d seen the mask. ¡°Nothing, probably,¡± I said. ¡°I had a cough. Just taking precautions.¡± ¡°Wise.¡± If she thought of hanahaki, she didn¡¯t bring it up. ¡°Well, I¡¯m here to talk about the Saber account.¡± Chloe started giving me some details about one of our customers. She spread papers on my desk. I paid attention as best as I could. I had a notebook to write down every detail. It wasn¡¯t obvious which details would be most important until later, so I just wrote down everything. Often I didn¡¯t even need to reference the notebook, but in case I needed the notes, I would have them. I sometimes wondered if taking notes was what made them useless, as though writing things down was enough to write them down in my brain as well. I also kept a dream journal that I never read. Most of my dreams were stress dreams, but the few lucid ones made it all worth it. Chloe was still talking, so I tried to refocus. ¡°I¡¯ll send you the conversation later,¡± she said. There had been an email exchange with the Saber customer. ¡°Harrison wants to move up the deadline, but I don¡¯t think we can give him what he wants. Let him down gently.¡± ¡°I will.¡± ¡°Good.¡± She smiled a very red smile; Chloe wore lipstick. ¡°I think you can absolutely handle the consultant position.¡± I had been angling for a promotion for several months. I didn¡¯t need the pay bump, necessarily, but I was saving twenty-five percent of my income and donating another ten percent to charity. If I were promoted, I¡¯d be able to increase both of those by at least five percent. My happiness and the happiness of others might depend on it. Number-go-up wasn¡¯t super motivating to me, so I¡¯d keep going to the soup kitchen. However, increasing the amount I donated would have positive effects. Chloe knew this and was trying to help me. She¡¯d been at the company for two years longer than I had, and had finished her degree, so she was naturally higher rank. She was a bit older than me and a bit wiser, I supposed. I would be promoted to equal rank with her if things went well. No doubt she¡¯d be promoted above me again in short order, but I would be happy to follow her as far up as I could go. My intuition told me that she''d be CEO one day, of this company or another. She had complimented me a moment ago, about how I was ready for a promotion. ¡°Thank you,¡± I said. It wasn¡¯t like me to have difficulty concentrating. In school I¡¯d done meditation to perfect that ability. I looked at my notes, and they seemed a bit sparse. ¡°Graham is going to join you on the visit next week, by the way,¡± she said. ¡°It should be a good experience for him. Make sure you do your little didact routine, help him understand how to communicate with the customer.¡± ¡°Absolutely,¡± I said. I liked Chloe. She seemed to make a point of helping the new hires find their bearings, and although she was tall and intimidating to most, I was taller still and friendly enough to compensate. We were like the good cop and the bad cop. I knew for a fact that she used me to help less capable people rise. We had a conversation about it once. Chloe really was motivated to help people succeed, even unmotivated people like Graham. Her altruism wasn¡¯t the same flavor as mine, but I could respect it. She felt like any success she caused was her success as well. I usually tried to convince my coworkers to donate a fraction of their salary to charity, just like I did. Few listened¨Cbut if even one did that would be very effective altruism indeed. Maybe I wanted to empathize with their feeling of generosity. Chloe was still talking about my meeting with the customer and Graham. ¡°Tell him to pay attention to this person in particular,¡± Chloe said, bending over and putting her finger on an org chart. Her blouse opened a small amount. I felt my face redden and I looked at her finger on the table. I stared hard at a picture of a person from some other company, someone who¡¯s name I couldn¡¯t remember even when it was written right below his photo. At least I had been wearing a mask. Chloe used her good looks to push people around at our company, I knew. She wore makeup every day, and if you hadn¡¯t gotten used to her energy she would be intimidating. She also softened her appearance and demeanor when we went on customer visits, to disarm those at other companies with the halo effect. I¡¯d been proud of myself when I noticed it was deliberate. However, noticing Chloe¡¯s attractiveness might cause more problems than it solved. ¡ª I could be confident my illness wasn¡¯t hanahaki, I thought, because getting a glimpse of Chloe¡¯s cleavage hadn¡¯t made it worse. I spent the rest of the day crunching numbers and calling people. Each conversation was a dance of its own; I had files full of notes for each customer and how to relate to them. I had a connection with each. It was exhausting, but at the end of the day I always felt like things were going better than they had been the day before. The work flew by. By Wednesday I felt as right as rain. Wednesday was the day I went to the soup kitchen. A weekend would be more convenient, but that very fact meant that they needed more help on Wednesday, so that¡¯s when I went. I stood on the line between two other servers, savoring the burnt meat smell and the certainty that if I¡¯d had a cold, I had overcome it. I could smell the kitchen, after all. Nights at the soup kitchen were hectic, so there wasn¡¯t much time for talking with the other volunteers. That would come later, after it had calmed down and most of our patrons had a meal in front of them. Boris, the leader of the soup kitchen, encouraged us to interact with the patrons to give them some human connection and a sense of normalcy. I liked to go out and sit at one of the tables to listen. Many of our guests were homeless, of course, but people from all walks of life were there. People down on their luck, or ill, or unemployed, or getting out of relationships. Geniuses who read too much to keep a steady job; the free-spirited who chafed under any power structure; the stupid whose insights were never blunted by social niceties. Regulars going through their routine. Proselytizers looking for new converts, mostly among the volunteers who seemed to turn over way faster than the patrons. I loved listening to them all. Their triumphs were pure and their misfortunes were harrowing. Over and over I reminded myself how lucky I was for my health, my job, my home, and my dependable friends. Gratitude led to happiness. Helping the less fortunate led to the same, at least when I could sit with them and hear what they had to say. Donating ten percent of my salary didn¡¯t even come close, in terms of motivation. Sometimes I couldn¡¯t tell if I was actually selfish, or if it was just hard to convince my hindbrain of the true utility of number-go-up. I wanted to help people, right? I genuinely cared, whether I saw how it helped them or not? Yet, donating money did nothing for me, and listening to strangers did everything. I was at a table with a regular, Joseph, and a new volunteer, Emma. I told them some of these thoughts: why I volunteered, and how motivating it felt. Joseph was the one who had asked. He was older and religious. He had a predilection toward asking personal questions, and was as genuine as he was crazy. ¡°Geeze, I should have gone first,¡± said Emma. She was twirling a strand of blonde hair around one of her fingers. ¡°My reasons are really dumb compared to that.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure they¡¯re not,¡± said Joseph. He often ate at the soup kitchen in the evenings, but mostly spent his days holding a sign in the streets. ¡°God teaches us that every action done with good intentions is valuable. I¡¯m sure your reasons are just as beautiful as Milo¡¯s.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s going to sound really dumb.¡± ¡°We all contribute in our own ways,¡± said Joseph. He was giving Emma an out, but she didn¡¯t take it. ¡°I just came here to become a nicer person,¡± she said. That gave us some pause. ¡°Is this about the incident,¡± I started to ask. ¡°Yes! I shouldn¡¯t have yelled at him, it¡¯s not his fault!¡± A week prior, a regular¨Ca homeless man named Jason¨Chad dropped his tray during the busiest time of the night. Emma had yelled at him, catching everyone¡¯s attention. I tried not to wince when I remembered it. ¡°He hasn¡¯t been back since my¨Cmy¨Coutburst.¡± ¡°Did you try apologizing to him?¡± I asked. ¡°I tried, but by the time I calmed down enough to realize I should, he was gone!¡± She took a bite. Emma had prepared six meals for strangers since then, and was eating some of the seventh. Emma lived with her mother, I knew, and had decided to volunteer when she wasn¡¯t at a part-time job. She volunteered a lot. You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story. ¡°I have anger issues,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯ve known about it for a long time. That¡¯s why I came here.¡± ¡°Therapy is another place to seek guidance,¡± said Joseph. I nodded, but couldn¡¯t help giving him a look. Had he ever been to therapy? His sign was sitting by the door¨Cit said ¡®Repent,¡¯ but beneath that it said ¡®God Forgives All.¡¯ ¡°I can¡¯t afford that,¡± said Emma. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± I said. ¡°But Joseph does have a point. A soup kitchen is a good place to volunteer, but it¡¯s very¡­ stressful here. It¡¯s not exactly the best place for learning equanimity.¡± Emma waved a hand. ¡°Maybe. Still. I remember coming here with my mother a few times, long ago. It was after Dad disappeared¡­ that''s a story for some other time. The point is, it made a big difference in our lives to get food here. Bigger than I¡¯d realized at first.¡± ¡°Ah,¡± said Joseph. ¡°Your journey has brought you back, to continue the Lord¡¯s work.¡± ¡°I just remember how kind this one volunteer was¡­ she gave me some extra cobbler, because she saw I was scared, and she tried to cheer me up. Later she came over and made sure we had supplies from the bucket.¡± There was a bucket full of extra shampoo, toothpaste, etc, that hotels sometimes brought when they changed their stock. We left it by the door. ¡°I just thought that I¡¯d like to be that sort of person. The sort of person who can help people in their darkest moments¨Cwho wasn¡¯t afraid to face them when their emotions were out of hand.¡± She turned to me. ¡°Like you, Milo.¡± ¡°Me?¡± I asked, sheepishly. ¡°You¡¯re always so calm¨Cso patient with people. Even when they are saying some of the stupidest things.¡± She grinned. ¡°You make fun of them, sometimes, not that they ever notice.¡± ¡°Well, thank you, I guess.¡± I would cherish this compliment until the end of time. ¡°But why do you think that your reason wasn¡¯t as good as mine? Self improvement is incredibly noble, especially to help others.¡± ¡°An admirable resilience and grace,¡± added Joseph. ¡°It¡¯s ¡®cause I¡¯m a bad person,¡± said Emma as she blushed. ¡°I just need to be a better person, it¡¯s not ¡®cause I¡¯m actually good.¡± ¡°We all need to be better,¡± I said. ¡°The admirable thing is that you are actually doing something about it. Have I told you about effective altruism?¡± ¡°Yes,¡± said Joseph, at the same time that Emma shook her head. I explained to her what I meant about donating ten percent of my salary, and about how effective altruists were just like her: people who wanted to be better. I told her I aspired to the same. ¡°You have to earn a lot of money to do that,¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t, so¡­¡± ¡°Even a little bit makes a difference,¡± I said, with some hesitation. I sometimes forgot what I was saying, and who I was saying it to. ¡°But having more money does help.¡± Income was a risky topic in the soup kitchen. Nobody there knew that I earned good money. I was worried that if they did, it would make things harder for me, because I¡¯d have to keep refusing requests. Many of the regulars recognized me. Money would help many of them, but I couldn¡¯t reasonably give all of my money away. I could see that Emma had made the inference that I didn¡¯t want to talk about it, and was letting the subject lie. For that I was grateful. She may have been prone to outbursts, but I was certain that beneath it all she genuinely wanted to help people. Emma had been there almost every night since she¡¯d started, even after embarrassing herself, and I still only went once a week after two years. Once a week was just enough for me to feel like I was doing good. I wondered, once again, if I was really motivated by the right things. I sighed, and then I started coughing. ¡°Are you alright?¡± asked Emma. ¡°Yeah, yeah,¡± I said, waving a hand. ¡°Throat¡¯s been a bit irritated lately.¡± ¡°Suffering from lungache?¡± asked Joseph, and I almost facepalmed. ¡°Ask the Lord for guidance, and he will give you the strength you need.¡± ¡°If it¡¯s hanahaki,¡± said Emma, ¡°you should just ask your crush out. Rejection is the fastest cure.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not hanahaki,¡± I snapped, and her brow furrowed. ¡°Besides, won¡¯t rejection make it all worse?¡± ¡°Only if you get rejected¡­ or if you¡¯re an idiot and can¡¯t handle rejection.¡± ¡°I think I¡¯m safe,¡± I said, taking another drink of water. ¡°You seem to know a thing about it. Have you ever had the illness?¡± ¡°Yes, as a matter of fact.¡± ¡°How¡¯d you deal with it?¡± ¡°The obvious way.¡± She stood. ¡°It¡¯s not like I care, but don¡¯t wait too long and end up in the hospital.¡± Joseph nodded solemnly and stood up as well. I watched Emma walk away. She had a drive for self-improvement that I admired, one that I liked to think I had myself, but her temper really could be an issue. She was two years younger than me, thin, with shoulder-length blonde hair. Emma was pretty in a very fierce sort of way. I shook my head and wondered if all the talk of hanahaki disease had affected my thoughts. I went to the back to help the other volunteers clean up. ¡ª The next day was pretty rough. The meeting with the Saber group had been delayed, again, but I just wanted to get it over with. I thought about canceling my plans with the Brookes, but couldn¡¯t bring myself to do it. I¡¯d had a rough week and I really wanted to see them. On Friday I spent most of the day talking to Graham, preparing him for what could be a difficult interaction if we ever got around to it. I ended up going home early. I justified it to myself by remembering I¡¯d still be over hours, and that I¡¯d get plenty of overtime during the customer meeting. In truth I was just looking forward to having dinner with the Brookes. I¡¯d not seen them for weeks; I owed it to them. After work, once again wearing my mask, I went to the neighbor¡¯s place. Mrs. Brookes greeted me at the door with a smile that quickly became a frown. ¡°If you¡¯re sick you should rest,¡± she said. ¡°Don¡¯t feel¨C¡± ¡°I¡¯m not even that sick, I coughed once yesterday, and I wanted to be extra safe.¡± Her frown didn¡¯t go away, and I felt like a little kid again. I sighed. ¡°I just want to grill some meat and have an easy time¡­ but¡­ maybe you¡¯re right.¡± ¡°Health is the most important thing, dearie.¡± ¡°But I was looking forward to this.¡± ¡°If you are sick you are sick, and you¡¯ll have to take that mask off to eat.¡± She looked back into the house. ¡°You probably do need a break. Bella says that you¡¯ve been overworking yourself, volunteering and running all the time?¡± ¡°That¡¯s considerate of her, but it¡¯s not true at all.¡± I worked out half as often as Diana, and I was at the soup kitchen way less than half as often as Emma. ¡°Why don¡¯t you sit on the deck and let Rob grill for you? He¡¯d love the chance to return the favor, and you can take it home with you.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± I said. ¡°Thank you.¡± ¡°Of course. Let us know if we can help in any way, like getting you things or doing some chores.¡± That was almost the same offer I¡¯d given to them, three years ago. They hadn¡¯t been sick, physically at least, and they hadn¡¯t taken me up on it until I¡¯d dragged a lawn mower over and said ¡®I¡¯ll stop if you insist¡¯. ¡°I really appreciate it,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ll walk around to the back.¡± The grill sat on their deck next to a weathering picnic table. Huge cottonwoods surrounded the deck. The trees covered it in shade and stillness. It was a relief to sit down amongst the trees and just hear the wind blowing gently through the leaves, making the chimes tingle. My house was small, the result of a subdivision of a plot, but the Brookes owned a full-sized backyard with some full-sized relaxation. When Mr. Brookes came out a few minutes later I helped him start the grill. We got to talking as he started on the burgers. They were berry burgers rather than actual meat, and thus a bit cheaper, but I preferred it that way. ¡°I¡¯m going to have to insist that you take your burger home to eat it,¡± he said. ¡°That¡¯s fair.¡± ¡°Is there any other way we can help you?¡± ¡°Nah,¡± I said. ¡°Just being here helps.¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad to see you, although I wish you weren¡¯t sick.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯m really sick¡­¡± I said, but I realized I was lying to myself. I¡¯d been feeling various shades of ill all week. ¡°Shoot. I should probably go to the doctor at some point, huh?¡± ¡°If it¡¯s been bothering you for a while, yeah, I¡¯d make an appointment. Unless it¡¯s hanahaki disease.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not that,¡± I said. It was easier to hold onto patience when surrounded by the trees, and when talking to Mr. Brookes. He was an older guy, an ocean fisherman who had retired to become a tax consultant. I respected him. ¡°If you¡¯re sure. I denied that myself, long ago. I couldn¡¯t admit how I felt about Liz until I started coughing up petals.¡± He chuckled. Mr. and Mrs. Brookes had both caught hanahaki right after meeting each other. They had cured each other shortly after that. It was a very romantic story, one of teenage love. In fact, there were framed petals in their hallway to symbolize their love. It was a story they could bring up whenever someone noticed the petals. Fake petals, of course, which was good. The real ¡®petals¡¯ were gross. They looked like tiny, soft pink leaves¨Cbut ultimately they were membranes that contained disease. Some people did try to save them, like some people saved locks of hair, but I also found that somewhat disgusting. Hanahaki petals wouldn¡¯t keep as well as hair. ¡°How long were you sick before you told her?¡± I asked. ¡°A few days, maybe a week. It goes fast when you are young.¡± ¡°It must have scared you.¡± ¡°The illness? Not really. It only affects the very top of your lungs.¡± He flipped a burger. ¡°That¡¯s why you usually don¡¯t get it over and over, maybe once or twice. The scars make you immune.¡± ¡°My gym friend was telling me that it reduces your lung capacity.¡± ¡°He¡¯s right,¡± said Rob, and I didn¡¯t correct him. I didn¡¯t need anyone else asking about the women in my life. ¡°By ten percent or so, which I wouldn¡¯t think is very severe.¡± Diana would think that ten percent was severe; she wouldn¡¯t let herself be five grams of protein under, or a hundred calories over. She followed her limits every day. ¡°I read that older people sometimes die from it.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve heard that as well,¡± he said. ¡°If I outlive Liz, I expect that¡¯s how I¡¯ll go. I¡¯d just miss her too much.¡± I didn¡¯t want to think about Mr. and Mrs. Brookes getting old. They were on the higher side of middle-aged. That meant that I¡¯d get to know them for decades more, I hoped. I knew you couldn¡¯t always count on things like that, but after my parents had disowned me, the Brookes were the closest thing to parents that I had. ¡°Wouldn¡¯t you want to stick around as long as possible, for Bella¡¯s sake?¡± I asked. ¡°Perhaps. She¡¯ll hopefully have her own family by then, and her own concerns.¡± He put one of the burgers on a bun, then put the whole thing in a container. It was faintly ridiculous to go to such lengths. I could have tossed the burger through my own window. ¡°Thank you,¡± I said. ¡°Well, I suppose I¡¯d better go back, then.¡± At least I could play videogames without exposing anyone to risk of illness. ¡°The doctor is a good idea,¡± he said. ¡°Why don¡¯t you schedule an appointment?¡± ¡°I will,¡± I said as I stood up. ¡°Tomorrow.¡± I heard their parrot squawking in the house. That was something it always did when someone was coming or going. It was a nice bird to Mrs. Brookes and Bella, but mean to just about everyone else. ¡°Don¡¯t forget,¡± he said. ¡°If you ignore it, the disease gets worse.¡± ¡°Hanahaki?¡± ¡°Any disease,¡± he said. I nodded. I wouldn¡¯t lie to myself and ignore an illness because it was inconvenient. My strength was that I could face the truth. I resolved to schedule a doctor¡¯s appointment the next day, even if it would be embarrassing and expensive. I could afford a bit of both. ¡°I¡¯m home!¡± said Bella from the door to the deck. I smiled at her, forgetting for a moment that she wouldn''t be able to see it through the mask. ¡°I¡¯m glad to see you,¡± I said. ¡°I was just heading out, though.¡± ¡°Aww,¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯re sick? Is there any way I can help?¡± 90% Part 3 That evening the coughing got worse and worse. Anna and Gavin didn¡¯t notice, thanks to the mute button, but after a particularly bad bout of coughing I had to call it quits. I told them I was going to bed early and that I¡¯d see them the next day. I found a small pink petal in my hand. It was as slimy and nasty as I¡¯d imagined it would be. Hanahaki, for sure¨Ca disease that everyone knew about, that had obvious cures. Only a bit worse than a cold. I¡¯d still have to go into work on Monday, in all likelihood, although I had enough cachet there to take a day off if I wanted to. I was faced with a dilemma. Should I go to the doctor? Of course not. There was no mystery, anymore. Hanahaki is something that almost everybody gets once or twice. Making a big deal of it would be seen as being dramatic: like I wanted attention for my emotional state. Really, any illness that a man faces falls into that category. I felt averse to going to the doctor, because weakness wasn¡¯t something society would let men have. I didn¡¯t want to ask for help because attention was something society didn¡¯t want to give me. Those were my biases, and I found that they were worth trying to correct. On the other hand, I could go to the doctor with an honest desire to learn more about my illness, even if it was benign. I wouldn¡¯t be dramatic; I¡¯d be practical. Maybe even secretive. If I went to the doctor I didn¡¯t have to tell anyone about it except my doctor. Other people might judge me for it if they knew, but they didn¡¯t have to know. Beyond that, some part of me wanted to go. It was true that I had promised myself I¡¯d go to the doctor before I had any evidence it was hanahaki, but a promise was a promise. No¨CI could feel it at the back of my mind. I was still confused. I still didn¡¯t believe that I had hanahaki. I wanted more evidence. I had trained myself to notice when I was confused, and that wiggling note of confusion crawled out from the back of my mind. Hanahaki happened during limerence, and I didn¡¯t feel limerence, so why was I sick? I stared at the little lung symbol on the hospital¡¯s webpage. The two overlapping teardrops symbolized many things. Health, excitement, and love of course. I didn¡¯t have a crush on anyone, right? What if it wasn¡¯t hanahaki after all? Maybe I had bronchitis, or pneumonia, or something very severe like actual lung cancer? Thinking about that last thing was what scared me the most. I scheduled an appointment online for the next day. ¡ª ¡°It¡¯s hanahaki,¡± said Dr. Dominic, my primary care physician. ¡°We can do an x-ray to confirm, but the petals are very indicative.¡± ¡°How can that be?¡± I asked. ¡°I don¡¯t have a crush on anyone!¡± ¡°Mr. Caldwell, you are young. Can you not think of anyone who you might be attracted to?¡± I paused to consider it. I did have an unusual number of female friends, it was true, but that was just the result of all my social activities. I was still faintly surprised that I ran out of fingers on my right hand while counting the women I might date. ¡°But I¡¯m not¡­ attracted to any of them,¡± I said. It was a bit of a lie. Some of them were very attractive, at least physically, but that didn¡¯t mean I was attracted to them. ¡°I don¡¯t think I could have a relationship with any of them.¡± Chloe was a coworker, making that impossible, especially when you considered the power dynamics regarding our ranks. She wasn¡¯t allowed to date me. Emma probably didn¡¯t like me that way based on her behavior at the soup kitchen. I¡¯d promised myself I¡¯d just be Diana¡¯s friend before I even talked to her about working out. I knew Bella through her parents, a relationship I wouldn¡¯t want to jeopardize. Finally, I¡¯d been friends with Anna forever and we¡¯d never dated, so obviously there was no chemistry. These thoughts took me only a moment. I¡¯d had all of them before, I realized; I¡¯d found reasons not to date any of these women. Obvious reasons, even if I couldn¡¯t explain them to my doctor all that quickly. ¡°Not being able to have a relationship you want is the primary cause of this disease,¡± said Dr. Dominic. ¡°I don¡¯t want a relationship. I just want to work, and help people, and be happy.¡± My doctor wore a tight frown. Patients argued with him all day, and I realized I might be delaying him from seeing another patient, even then. Doctors are very hurried individuals. ¡°What should I do?¡± The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement. ¡°Go on a few dates. Start a relationship, or do what it takes to realize you¡¯d rather not start one with the person after all.¡± ¡°But which person? Seriously, this makes no sense.¡± He sighed and looked down at his notes. ¡°When did you say this started?¡± ¡°A week ago,¡± I said. ¡°A time when my life was just going normally.¡± ¡°And you describe physical weakness and fatigue.¡± ¡°Yes, it¡¯s been affecting my workouts. That was how I noticed.¡± ¡°Hmm. It¡¯s not impossible that you are experiencing a hanahaki flare-up for other reasons. Hormones can signal the parasite to become more active, but perhaps instead your immune system is stressed.¡± I snapped my fingers. ¡°I do have an upcoming thing at work that¡¯s very stressful.¡± ¡°In that case you¡¯ll want to take steps to reduce the stress in your life.¡± The doctor tapped his pen. ¡°For you that might involve going on a few dates, anyway. You are very extroverted.¡± ¡°Well, I am now. I used to be introverted, until I deliberately tried to change that for the numerous benefits.¡± The doctor gave me a look that showed me how little he cared. ¡°So I just wait for the work thing to pass, and I¡¯ll get better?¡± ¡°No,¡± he said. ¡°If an immune system issue is the cause, you might have the chronic version of the disease. That can be more severe. We¡¯ll do a chest x-ray, to see how severe your case is.¡± He went on to explain that ignoring hanahaki disease could, in rare cases, be deadly. If the parasite expanded too far into the lungs it would compromise breathing, and immunocompromised people sometimes faced that issue. We¡¯d do blood tests and all kinds of other undoubtedly expensive things. Oh well. Once again I found myself grateful for my job and the money it afforded me. Dr. Dominic left to get my x-ray scheduled. Shortly after that, I walked to the machine with the guidance of a nurse. It was a large device made out of sterile white plastic, with lines on the floor marking where people could stand. It felt a bit awkward to walk around in a hospital gown. The nurse had me walk into the scanner. I was required to rest my arms on a handle and point a giant lens at my chest. I resisted the urge to flex my pectoral muscles¨Cthat would have been stupid. The nurse remained stoic through the procedure. I had to hold my breath at key moments. The machine made a little hum as it ran. I was good at paying attention to body language. It was something I¡¯d practiced to become more empathetic, part of my endeavor to be more extroverted. People mirror the body language of those they speak with. It is a way of syncing up your feelings, but also a way of remaining sympathetic. If empathy is mind reading, mirroring body language was like opening up your third eye. I didn¡¯t believe in psychic senses, but I did believe in the power of intuition. I noticed immediately when the nurse tensed up. She was standing behind a computer station. I couldn¡¯t see her monitors, but I could see it when her eyes flicked toward me briefly. Our eyes met for a fraction of a second, but she looked away after that. When she went to take me back I had to say something. ¡°Can I look at the images?¡± ¡°The doctor will go over them with you,¡± she said. ¡°I can¡¯t make a diagnosis.¡± My heart had begun to pound. She was definitely not meeting my gaze. ¡°I just want to look at them.¡± She smiled and told me to go back to my room. ¡°Seriously, just let me look at them?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry, that¡¯s just not the procedure for this.¡± She was mirroring my body language, indicating sympathy, but it only made me more nervous. Maybe I was tense, making her tense. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding. Maybe my intuition had connected some dots, after she gave me that look. I walked back toward the examination room on my own. The nurse didn¡¯t accompany me; she had walked off in a different direction, and quickly. My thought process was too shattered to try to make plans for¨Cwell, for what specifically, I didn¡¯t yet know. But something. My mind kept tripping over itself. I¡¯d start imagining some horrible possibility, like lung cancer, and I¡¯d immediately reset to wondering what my problem actually was, because I couldn¡¯t make plans without that information, right? A few minutes later Dr. Dominic reappeared in my room. There were two nurses behind him with a gurney. ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± I asked. I moved to lay in the gurney before they answered. Timeliness was obviously important. ¡°Hanahaki roots have gotten deeper into your lungs than we¡¯d realized,¡± he said. ¡°We are going to remove them immediately.¡± ¡°Will I live?¡± I asked. He didn¡¯t wince, but one of the nurses did. I didn¡¯t want to dance around the important questions, not when time was of the essence¨Cor at least that¡¯s what I told myself. The truth was that when I was stressed, I forgot to avoid being blunt, and I was stressed. I was frightened, even. ¡°This procedure has a ninety percent success rate.¡± I cared an awful lot about ten percent, I realized. ¡°It¡¯s a fairly common procedure, but the lungs are fragile organs. You¡¯ll have to stay in the hospital afterward.¡± ¡°Why are we in a hurry?¡± They¡¯d started to wheel me to a hidden part of the hospital, like a new location I¡¯d unlocked in some game. I unlocked it by being sick enough for surgery. ¡°Can you take the time to explain more?¡± ¡°There are surgeries scheduled for the rest of the day, but there¡¯s an open slot now. A day¡¯s delay might make things worse.¡± Good thing I¡¯d scheduled my appointment online, then. ¡°Ah. I¡¯m going to have to skip workouts, huh? And work?¡± ¡°For a few days, at least.¡± ¡°So my immune system is weak,¡± I said. ¡°We are going to have to talk about this after the surgery,¡± he responded. ¡°But something like that, yes. You¡¯ve had hanahaki for months, at least, without noticing.¡± Dr. Dominic was no longer following us and we started to pull away. I was too far away to feel comfortable calling back out to him. As people I never met handed me forms to sign, and someone else attached a plastic mask to a hose, it suddenly felt like my life was crashing down around me. Someone else asked me when I had last eaten, and other questions. I answered in a daze. When they put the mask over my mouth my thoughts turned to mush, then evaporated entirely. 75% Part 1 When I woke up I was blind. I just didn¡¯t notice at first. It was the most bizarre sensation. I had the notion that things were going on in front of me, but I couldn¡¯t see anything. Nothing I ¡®saw¡¯ was available for my conscious mind to interact with. My eyes hurt when I pointed my head at the overhead light, but I couldn¡¯t recognize any reason for that to be so, at first, because I couldn''t see the light. Someone wheeled me to my hospital room, and it was like I could feel the pictures on the wall sliding past. I couldn¡¯t see them even though they were right there. This didn¡¯t bother me all that much; I was still in a confused state from the anesthesia. By the time I had the wherewithal to feel fear, my vision had returned and I could disregard the side effects of the anesthesia. Being blinded while waking up isn¡¯t a typical side-effect of anesthesia, I later learned, but everyone reacts to such things differently. ¡ª I looked up more about hanahaki while I rested in the hospital. There wasn¡¯t much else to do and all my plans for the next week had been shattered. I felt the vague sense that I should be making new plans, and finding ways to make the most of the time I¡¯d be wasting in the hospital, but instead I browsed my phone. The Amorfloris parasite was normally benign. It would cause the membrane lining your upper respiratory tract to peel away into petals that contained the eggs of new parasites. I went down a rabbit hole reading about how the worm added material to the membranes to change their mechanical properties, but it wasn¡¯t really relevant to understanding the illness. The petals would be coughed up. The hanahaki parasite needed its eggs to dry out before its life cycle could continue. The eggs (or spores, if you preferred) would lie dormant for years or decades, until they were disturbed and someone else breathed them in. They were like the hantavirus in that way, except Amorfloris didn¡¯t jump between species. The spores would rehydrate immediately in their new host¡¯s lungs, but the tiny parasites inside wouldn¡¯t activate until neurochemicals associated with limerence, excitement, and stress caused them to mature. There were theories on why the parasite waited until a human was feeling limerence¨Cperhaps because in the ancestral environment that would correlate with a seasonal gathering of humans¨Cbut no-one knew for sure. The hanahaki parasites were worms, technically. They formed little spindles¨Croots¨Cthat stole nutrients from the mucus in the lungs. That sounds deadly, but it¡¯s no more deadly than having worms living in your eyes. (Eyelash mites were a parasite that humanity had been hosting since time immemorial, just like Amorfloris, just another scary thing that I learned about as I shifted uncomfortably in the hospital bed. They too could reproduce too much, which would make your eyes itchy and red. However, when hanahaki parasites grew too much, it might kill you.) Hanahaki wasn¡¯t a serious concern for the vast majority of people. There was a balance where the parasite took some of your nutrients, and your immune system fought it with some intensity, and both systems went on doing what they did. Confessing your love would make you recover faster, but you¡¯d recover on your own either way. A common recommendation for recovery was bedrest. The worms would stay near the top of your lungs and reproduce there once or twice before scaring your lungs enough to make you a suboptimal host. Then they¡¯d die and your immune system would prevent them from returning. Thus, there was no cure for hanahaki. Interest in driving the parasite extinct was minimal. ¡ª ¡°Are you holding up alright?¡± asked Mr. Brookes. He and his wife were the first people to visit, soon after I woke up, which was mostly because I had texted them first. My text had said not to worry and that I¡¯d be out of the hospital in a few days, but they¡¯d come anyway. ¡°Yes,¡± I said. I rubbed an eye. ¡°I¡¯ve got to stay here for two days for observation, and another scan, but I¡¯m fine.¡± ¡°It must be a powerful love, to have made you so sick.¡± ¡°The opposite, actually.¡± He gave me a quizzical look. I explained that something else had gone wrong, which is part of why I hadn¡¯t noticed, and that the disease could be triggered by stress instead of limerence. He nodded, frowning slightly. ¡°I got hanahaki without being enamored with anyone,¡± I said. ¡°Well, pay attention to how you feel,¡± said Mrs. Brookes. ¡°Sometimes emotions have a way of sneaking up on us.¡± ¡°I¡¯m very in tune with my emotions.¡± ¡°That¡¯ll help you get to the bottom of this.¡± I sighed, but didn¡¯t argue further. Instead I talked to them about some of my thoughts regarding researching illnesses, and how strange it was that hanahaki had been neglected as a topic for research. ¡°I just don¡¯t get how humanity can have had a disease for approximately forever, and still be surprised by it.¡± ¡°We already know a lot about it,¡± objected Mr. Brookes. ¡°Yeah, but,¡± I said, before remembering that once upon a time they had fallen ill simultaneously. Suggesting that we eliminate hanahaki entirely might not impress them. ¡°I was still caught off guard.¡± ¡°That is the nature of love itself,¡± he responded. ¡°Are you sure that you aren¡¯t¡­ experiencing a more typical course for the illness?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure. The doctor even said¡­ well, he asked about my sickness, and when I described things he thought it might be stress. He did say I should go on dates either way.¡± ¡°Did he now? Perhaps he thought you were in denial.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t¨C¡± I started, but I cut myself short. Denying I was in denial didn¡¯t seem like a way to win that argument, but what else could I do? ¡°You¡¯ve been hospitalized, of course you¡¯re upset,¡± said Mrs. Brookes. ¡°You¡¯d better rest up while you are here, by the way.¡± ¡°Oh yeah. Rest is enforced.¡± I¡¯d gotten in trouble for trying to walk around the facility after walking circles in my room got too boring. I¡¯d missed my run, and I was already feeling restless. ¡°Bed rest and plenty of fluids. One of the nurses brought me a coffee from downstairs to save me from a headache.¡± ¡°How sweet of her,¡± said Mrs. Brookes. ¡°Him, actually. A male nurse¨Cactually, they ensure that the nurses treating hanahaki patients are the same gender as the patients.¡± I explained that it was thought that avoiding contact between the sexes would make the disease easier to overcome, but that there wasn¡¯t really any evidence for it. ¡°A holdover from less enlightened times,¡± said Mr. Brookes. ¡°If anything, I¡¯d expect the opposite.¡± ¡°Me too,¡± I said. Truthfully, I had mixed feelings about it. I wasn¡¯t sure if I had a crush on anyone, but the thought of a bunch of strange women assuming I did have a crush, then judging me for being a coward, kind of set me on edge. Only a true coward would hide their feelings at the cost of their health. I was waiting for one of the male nurses to try to have some sort of talk with me, like a wise elder brother, but it hadn¡¯t happened. ¡°It¡¯s also not very considerate of gay people,¡± I said. One of Mr. Brookes¡¯ eyebrows went up. ¡°And are you¨C¡± ¡°I¡¯m not gay, either.¡± I started to laugh. ¡°I can¡¯t believe you¡¯d have to ask that.¡± ¡°Well, you¡¯ve never brought a girl over, as far as I recall.¡± He glanced at his wife, and she nodded. Mrs. Brookes had a better memory for such things. ¡°This hanahaki illness came out of nowhere, didn¡¯t it.¡± ¡°You¡¯re telling me!¡± ¡°But they always do,¡± added Mrs. Brookes. I tried not to sigh. I was fond of the Brookes. They were like replacement parents to me, irritating speculation about my love life and all. My replacement sister was notably absent, although since I had no siblings, I supposed Bella wasn¡¯t a replacement at all. ¡°Where¡¯s Bella, by the way?¡± ¡°She thought that too many visitors would hinder your recovery,¡± said Mr. Brookes. ¡°She¡¯s very worried about you.¡± ¡°Ah, well tell her ¡®thanks for the concern,¡¯ but I¡¯m just fine. I¡¯ll be out as soon as possible.¡± ¡°Of course. She was worried that she gave you the disease.¡± I felt my own eyebrows rise. ¡°She thought that she carried it from one of her schoolmates to you.¡± I was blushing, and now both of them were looking at me with a mixture of skepticism and interest that made me want to sink into the hospital bed and disappear. I didn¡¯t feel that way about Bella. Admittedly, her long hair and relentless curiosity were¨C I shut those thoughts down. ¡°Ah, I don¡¯t think that¡¯s how it works,¡± I said. ¡°Based upon what I¡¯ve been reading.¡± ¡°I told her that, but¡­¡± said Mr. Brookes. ¡°Anyway, we are all very concerned for you, so try to make a fast recovery.¡± ¡°Whatever that takes,¡± added Mrs. Brookes. ¡°I will.¡± The Brookes left, but not before setting down a cooler full of sandwiches. Some time later, Dr. Dominic came into my room. He was there to explain more about my surgery and illness. ¡ª Normally hanahaki worms would die naturally and dry up, to be coughed out with the petals, but mine had grown too large and numerous. They had performed an Amorifloris Parasitectomy on me. The surgeon had knocked me out, suctioned my stomach to make sure I wouldn¡¯t vomit, then used a different hose and camera to look into my lungs. It was super gross and unsettling, but it had already happened, so I tried not to worry about it too much. In time with my breathing, the surgeon had vacuumed up all the hanahaki petals, then the roots, then any leftover detritus. If a worm got stuck he¡¯d used a tiny hook to pull it loose. Stuck worms were the part with the most danger in the surgery I¡¯d undergone. Fortunately for me, I had chronic hanahaki type A. The worms came out without much trouble. If any of the worms had run out of mucus to eat, they might have gone after my blood instead. The resulting holes could have caused me to bleed to death. That was hanahaki type B, which sometimes killed the elderly or the infirm. A common symptom of hanahaki type B were blooms: masses of petals and coagulated blood. You could very easily bleed to death when one of them dislodged. Bloomycin, an antibiotic that was effective against hanahaki, was named after its ability to prevent them. However, we¡¯d gone in early enough to avoid all of that anyway. My lungs were only irritated, it only felt like someone had roto-rooted them. I supposed that was better than having internal bleeding, and better either of those than oblivion. Dr. Dominic prescribed drugs, including bloomycin, which killed the worms when they were small. As a side effect my eyes would be itchy for days (the drugs also got those eyelash mites) and it might also cause a fever as immune system reacted to it. I¡¯d have digestion issues since bloomycin messed with gut flora and intestinal membranes. At least my hospital room had a private bathroom. Finally, the damage from the surgery and the worms would permanently reduce my lung capacity by some amount. That was true of typical hanahaki, of course, but treated hanahaki had generally worse outcomes. Type A had better outcomes than type B. There was a lot to be grateful for, and a lot to be upset about. My lungs would be permanently damaged, and cardio exercise would be verboten for three weeks as I recovered. I was severely unhappy about that. ¡ª The end result of the bloomycin irritating my eyes was that I looked like I¡¯d been crying and was in pain. I wasn¡¯t in that much pain, but I couldn¡¯t help how the treatment made me look. ¡°I thought you had hanahaki,¡± said Chloe. She set my laptop bag on the bedside table. I¡¯d messaged her to ask if someone from work could bring my laptop, but I hadn¡¯t expected Chloe herself to show up. ¡°I do,¡± I said, rubbing my eyes. ¡°Not the typical hanahaki, probably, but hanahaki all the same.¡± I had decided to take some steps as though I had a crush¨Cbetter to cover all my bases when seeking a return to good health. The doctor said I should date, and the Brookes seemed to think they knew better too. At some point some confluence of elders should be able to convince you of things, right? This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there. ¡°Not to put too fine a point on it,¡± said Chloe, ¡°but you look awful. Shouldn¡¯t you be happy?¡± ¡°Why would I be happy about this?¡± ¡°For your romantic feelings,¡± she said. I explained to her that it was a stress reaction, rather than anything interpersonal. She gave me a quizzical look. ¡°Stress? Are you worried about the Saber meeting?¡± ¡°Honestly, yes,¡± I said. Then, because I didn¡¯t want her to worry about my capability as a worker: ¡°I¡¯ve got a lot of other things stressing me out, as well. Volunteering, exercise, feeling sick I suppose. But I can handle it.¡± ¡°You will have to prioritize,¡± she replied. I saw her shift her weight to her back foot; Chloe was ready to leave. ¡°Remind me never to get hanahaki.¡± ¡°You haven¡¯t had it?¡± I asked. She gave me a dour look. ¡°Do I seem like that kind of person to you?¡± ¡°I suppose not, but people have hidden depths.¡± ¡°Apparently,¡± she said, meeting my eyes. ¡°I was surprised to learn that you volunteered, for example.¡± She¡¯d known that about me for a while. ¡°And that I go running?¡± ¡°No, that makes sense. You seem like a runner.¡± I knew that Chloe herself liked the elliptical. It was more efficient, if you disregarded that exercise machines lack social options. ¡°Volunteering doesn¡¯t make much sense for you, though.¡± ¡°Why¡¯s that?¡± I asked. ¡°You¡¯re so focused on improving yourself. Weren¡¯t you telling me about how donating money from a significant salary is the best way to help others?¡± ¡°It¡¯s true. But I volunteer to help myself. It¡¯s like when you help people rise at work, isn¡¯t it?¡± ¡°That is helping myself¨Chelping myself get capable coworkers. What do you get out of the¡­ ¡°Soup kitchen.¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°I mean¡­ it makes me happy.¡± She skeptically raised and eyebrow as she looked down at me, in my hospital bed. ¡°Well, at least you have some time to recover before the meeting. Don¡¯t overdo it, Milo.¡± Chloe left, and I booted the computer to get to work. After I¡¯d answered all my emails, I started editing a proposal. Some time later, a nurse walked in and asked me how I was doing. I told him well enough, but when I looked up I was shocked to see the sun had already set. The clock read 8:34. ¡°Have you had enough fluids?¡± asked the nurse. His nametag said Nick. ¡°Probably not. I got distracted with work.¡± I grabbed the water bottle from my bed stand. The cooler of sandwiches was also calling to me. ¡°You are supposed to be resting,¡± said Nick. ¡°Resting my body, right? This is mental work.¡± I mentally kicked myself. My body was my mind, and I knew it, and was supposed to act like it. ¡°It is still work,¡± he said, and I resisted the urge to apologize. ¡°Take it easy tomorrow, why don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°I will,¡± I said without thinking. I had no intent to refrain from working; editing documents was easy, especially compared to a customer meeting. ¡°Good. And get plenty of rest tonight.¡± After he left, I drained the water bottle to make up for lost time. I also ate a few of the sandwiches. They were made with fake meat¨Cmeat berries, specifically¨Cwhich was a step beyond what most helpful neighbors would provide, but exactly the sort of thing you could expect from the Brookes. They supported my vegetarianism. With reluctance, I left the laptop closed so I could lay down and get some rest. ¡ª The next day I texted Diana to let her know I¡¯d be missing our runs. So I¡¯ll be out of commission for a while. I¡¯m so sorry. It¡¯s okay. I¡¯m just glad to be alive. Is there anything I can do to help? Thank you! But not really. The doctor has given me some advice for recovery that I plan to put into action. Like what? I considered asking her out on a date right then and there¨C¡±doctor¡¯s orders¡±. Accepting a rejection could cure me instantly, supposedly, and if I was good at anything, it was accepting things when others would live in denial. At the same time, if I asked for a date after being hospitalized for a disease of love, it would send a message that was entirely too intense. I had a brilliant idea. He said I need to de-stress, and take it easy, so I¡¯m going to start taking walks along the river instead of running. Would you want to join me for that? That sounds like a good idea. It¡¯s going to be way less intense than the runs. Are you sure? I¡¯ll bring my ruck. What is a ruck? Rucksack. For working out. It¡¯s supposedly as good as running, but at a walking pace. Really? Maybe I should try it. Listen to your doctor. Fine, fine. I¡¯m just glad we can keep our routine. That would be two birds with one stone. Diana might not view it as a date¨Cand it didn¡¯t have to be one, necessarily¡ªbut it would serve the same purpose. I could talk to her and figure out if she was my mystery crush. Maybe I would ask her out during our walk, and get rejected, and then I¡¯d feel better. Or we¡¯d start dating, then I¡¯d feel better. I tried not to fantasize about either outcome because it might make me more ill. I felt a twinge of guilt for breaking my promise to myself that I would not try to date Diana. However, changing my mind was allowed¨Cand indeed, for health reasons, I had to be willing to change my mind. The old rule was that I wouldn¡¯t date people I met at the gym. I resolved to forgive myself, and institute a new rule: I would not date people I met at the gym, unless we¡¯d been friends for long enough that it seemed like a good idea, and also it was important for my health. I wondered how our conversation would go. I had limited experience in romance, and it wasn¡¯t like I was into romance stories. All I had to go on were my personal experiences, and most of those were second-hand. For example, once-upon-a-time Gavin had asked Anna out. She¡¯d rejected him, but all three of us still met online to play videogames. Thus, I figured that after Diana rejected me I¡¯d get over it and we¡¯d continue our old routine. I jumped when Anna herself walked in the door. ¡°Anna!¡± I said. ¡°What are you doing here?¡± ¡°Checking on you, doofus,¡± she said. She moved to sit in the chair by my bedside, then scooted closer. ¡°Are you okay?¡± ¡°I mean, yeah. Just sick with an illness I shouldn¡¯t have.¡± I had to explain to her that it was stress related, and not romance, and my eyes were red from antifloral drugs. She nodded patiently. I could see her calming down as I went on. ¡°I¡¯m sorry about your lung capacity,¡± she said. ¡°Me too, but it is what it is.¡± ¡°What are you going to do when you get out?¡± ¡°Take it easy,¡± I said. ¡°Play videogames until my eyes bleed, at some point, but otherwise just¡­ take it easy.¡± What did taking it easy look like, if not videogames? She smiled. ¡°You know we¡¯ll be there whenever you want to play games.¡± ¡°Thank you,¡± I said. ¡°And for driving all the way in.¡± ¡°I had things to pick up anyway,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m just glad to see you¡¯re doing alright.¡± We chatted for a bit more, during which I felt increasingly tired. Despite everything, that¡¯s how I knew that I was actually an introvert; talking to people, even close friends, wore me out. ¡ª After two more days in the hospital the doctors scanned me again, and found that I had not grown any more hanahaki parasites. My lungs were healing. I was sent home. Bella made an appearance the same day. After welcoming her in I went to brew some herbal tea. The dreamcatcher was casting a deeply slanted shadow outside the window by my sink. It was the afternoon, so caffeine wouldn¡¯t be a good idea. Bella had a backpack with her and it was half-full of homemade food, including a giant pan of berry lasagna. My admiration for the Brookes only grew. ¡°Are you alright?¡± she asked as she took the steaming cup of tea. The concern on her face made me want to reassure her. ¡°Yes,¡± I said. ¡°The rest has made a lot of difference. Well, the surgery too. Perhaps it was mostly the surgery.¡± ¡°I was so worried,¡± she said. ¡°I thought Greg was making things up, but then you got sick¨Cand if it took you down, it¡¯s actually a big deal.¡± I laughed, and assured her it wasn¡¯t a big deal at all. ¡°I just have to slow down for a while.¡± ¡°No more running?¡± ¡°No, walking instead.¡± ¡°That makes sense.¡± She sipped her tea. ¡°Are you still going to go to the soup kitchen?¡± ¡°That¡¯s easy, so I¡¯m going to keep doing it.¡± It was too fun not to be easy, I thought. ¡°What about work?¡± she asked. ¡°We have this big customer meeting coming up, but after that things should be smooth sailing.¡± She stared at me. ¡°Last time you had a big customer meeting, you ended up working late for like two months afterward, right?¡± She had a point; the customer always wanted a lot of changes, and it always fell to me to make sure that those changes went into effect without issue. It usually meant a lot of work. ¡°I¡¯ll be recovered by then.¡± ¡°Milo, you aren¡¯t taking things easy at all,¡± said Bella. ¡°You¡¯re barely slowing down!¡± ¡°It¡¯ll be a lot easier for me, I promise. I¡¯m going at seventy-five percent intensity, tops.¡± I¡¯d been doing things at maximum capacity for a long time, so seventy-five percent should be a cakewalk. ¡°No, Milo, you can¡¯t just say ¡®ahh, I¡¯ll do all my difficult tasks with less intensity¡¯ and expect that to work.¡± She was giving me a plaintive look. ¡°I mean, what do you expect me to cut out, then?¡± This was an argument. I had no intention of cutting anything out, but I¡¯d at least try to understand her point of view. ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± she said. ¡°Just promise me that you¡¯ll step back and actually reduce your workload.¡± ¡°Alright,¡± I said. ¡°I promise.¡± And then, because I wasn¡¯t a liar even by mistake, I pulled out my phone and blocked out an hour of time to think about the problem. I sincerely doubted it would take an hour¨Cwhat I was really doing was throwing a reminder to my future self to think about it, and leaving an hour open just in case. ¡°There, see?¡± I showed her my calendar. ¡°Thank you." ¡°Of course.¡± I was desperate to change the topic, but in my haste I chose to talk about something else I was stressing over, something regrettable. ¡°The real hard part is going to be fitting dates in there, as well.¡± ¡°Dates? What do you mean?¡± ¡°Well, I don¡¯t have a crush on anyone, but the doctor said that going on a few dates might help me overcome this illness, anyway. Also¡­¡± I took a deep breath. ¡°I could be wrong. He seems to think I could be in denial, or missing something.¡± ¡°I see. So who are you going to take on a date?¡± ¡°Er, well, there are a handful of women in my life,¡± I said. ¡°I could, maybe, date one of them.¡± ¡°Tell me everything about them,¡± she said. ¡°Right now.¡± ¡°Oh, I wouldn¡¯t want to bore you¨C¡± ¡°I insist.¡± So I told her about Diana, Chloe, Anna, and Emma. Her eyes grew wider and wider as I went on. At some point she pulled a notebook out of her bag to keep track of the details. Fortunately, I¡¯d had the good sense not to tell Bella that there were five women I might date, lest she infer that I was leaving her off the list. ¡°You¡¯re, like, a ladies¡¯ man!¡± I shook my head. ¡°Not at all, I just happen to know a lot of women.¡± ¡°Why, though?¡± ¡°Why? I mean, everybody knows people.¡± ¡°No, this is¡­ I think this is way more options than a person would normally have.¡± I had the thought that if people normally had to choose from five or fewer, society was failing those seeking relationships. ¡°Have any women confessed to you?¡± ¡°No.¡± At least I could be relieved about the fact that I hadn¡¯t caused anyone else to get sick. ¡°I¡¯m surprised,¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯ve got a lot of eligible women around you. You¡¯d expect at least one to go for it.¡± ¡°Did you know that men get hanahaki about twice as often as women?¡± I asked. ¡°Apparently the cultural norm of men asking women out comes from that.¡± ¡°Huh.¡± She drank some of her tea. ¡°That¡¯s unfortunate for men.¡± ¡°I suppose. As for why I know so many women, I think it¡¯s just that I¡¯ve met a lot of people, and made a lot of friends. By going places like the gym and the soup kitchen, but also just by talking to people and trying to be a part of their lives.¡± ¡°So you sought out women to date?¡± ¡°Well, no. It¡¯s just that some number of people are women that I might date, so meeting very many people made me meet more potential partners as well.¡± ¡°Are you sure it¡¯s not ¡®cause you are rich, handsome, healthy, and selfless?¡± I gave her a skeptical look, and she blushed, but then squared her shoulders. ¡°I meant what I said. It¡¯s not just that you meet lots of folks, it¡¯s that you have a lot of attractive qualities. You¡¯re drawing these women toward you.¡± I shrugged. ¡°Maybe. Being attractive is only part of the equation, though¨Cthe other part is meeting a lot of people. A multiplicative factor. If I wasn¡¯t¡­¡± Admitting that I was attractive was a step too far for me, and I still didn¡¯t really believe it. ¡°If I had fewer opportunities, I¡¯d start by meeting more people, not by trying to change who I am.¡± ¡°Milo, you change who you are constantly. You¡¯re always driving at some sort of self-improvement.¡± ¡°Yeah, but not for dating people,¡± I said. ¡°Same thing.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not the same at all.¡± Dating people was an ancillary benefit to my true goals. Or it would be, if I had ever done it, which I hadn¡¯t, because it wasn¡¯t one of my goals. ¡°Well,¡± she said, looking down at her notes. ¡°I¡¯ll make you a deal. I¡¯ll help you get dates with some of these women, and in exchange, you can help me get through my first semester at university.¡± ¡°Wait, what?¡± ¡°Oh yeah. I decided to go to the local college.¡± She smiled wide at me. ¡°No, I mean, help me? I¡¯m past the phase of needing someone to pass notes!¡± ¡°Well, give you advice, I mean. Help you think things through.¡± I narrowed my eyes on her. ¡°Be your shoulder to cry on, probably.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think I need that,¡± I said. ¡°But I¡¯m glad to hear that you¡¯ve decided where to go. What major?¡± ¡°Mechanical engineering. I got my letter yesterday. It¡¯s going to be hard, so I want your help with the math and whatnot.¡± ¡°I dropped out of that program.¡± I considered the fact that I¡¯d dropped out a major mark against me, as far as attractive qualities were concerned. I¡¯d done it to take a job that paid better than mechanical engineering would, according to my sober estimates of my potential as an engineer and the nature of commissions, but I¡¯d still dropped out. ¡°Tell me what not to do, then,¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯re still good at math, so would you tutor me?¡± I frowned. It didn¡¯t seem like a very fair trade. Bella just wanted to be nosy about my love life, like her parents and Gavin. Tutoring people was difficult work, a skillset that I put on my resume. It was something that I considered very valuable. Trying to disabuse people of their misunderstandings was difficult. I got enough of that at work. I checked myself. I¡¯d known Bella for a few years. She was younger than me, but she wasn¡¯t stupid. She hadn¡¯t needed anybody''s help in high school, for math or otherwise. Tutoring her would be far easier than explaining things to my average coworker, when I thought about it. Also, it would help her do better in school. That would be a favor to Bella, but also the Brookes. It would have been worth doing on its own, even if I got nothing in return. Once I stopped thinking of it as an exchange, it became easy. I would help Bella because helping people was just the right thing to do. Also, if it went well I might take up tutoring as a secondary source of income. I could start tutoring many students. The prospect seemed full of potential. ¡°Fine then,¡± I said. ¡°You can¡­ help me navigate the minefield that is dating, and later I¡¯ll help you with your engineering homework.¡± ¡°The fall semester starts in September,¡± she reminded me. ¡°This will be resolved in only a few weeks,¡± I said. She looked at me and actually started to laugh. 75% Part 2 I met up with Gavin and Anna online to play videogames as soon as I could. It was for my health, of course. They wanted to play a new game, however, and I was less than impressed with their choice. ¡°BloomCraft?¡± I said. ¡°Really?¡± It was a game about commanding an army of soldiers infected with hanahaki, or something like that. ¡°It¡¯s appropriate, don¡¯t you think?¡± asked Anna. ¡°Besides, Gavin was trying to get us to play it a few months ago.¡± ¡°A new update dropped,¡± he said. ¡°Now¡¯s a great time.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you think it¡¯s a bit¡­ insensitive, to ask someone to play a game about their major health issues?¡± Like asking someone with sepsis to play a zombie game, or a veteran to play a first person shooter. ¡°Wuss,¡± said Gavin. ¡°We don¡¯t have to play if you don¡¯t want to,¡± said Anna, ¡°But I thought you might appreciate a game where having hanahaki makes you more powerful.¡± ¡°You know what, sure, let¡¯s give it a go. What are the mechanics?¡± Gavin launched into an explanation. You¡¯d recruit units to fight monsters that attacked every night, and every day the units would produce resources that you could use to upgrade your base and your army. The units ¡®produced¡¯ these resources by literally hacking them up on request, with a cooldown. As he explained the game I, regrettably, started to get excited about the gameplay. ¡°We¡¯ve actually been playing for a few days,¡± Gavin said, causing my enthusiasm to wane again. They¡¯d be far stronger than me on their server. ¡°But we¡¯re starting a new server right now,¡± added Anna. ¡°So we¡¯ll all be on the same level, and we¡¯ll be able to help you pick it up fast.¡± ¡°Nice,¡± I said. ¡°Let¡¯s do it.¡± After I¡¯d connected they gave me a tour of the controls and some things to know. Which monsters attacked at what frequencies, what resources I¡¯d need right away, that sort of thing. I laughed when my first little gremlin coughed up a solid iron bar. ¡°This game is ridiculous.¡± ¡°Just you wait!¡± said Anna. ¡°The monsters are next level.¡± She wasn¡¯t lying. Most of them were plant themed, covered in thorns and vines and weird numbers of eyes. My gremlins swung little swords against googly-eyed shambling tumbleweeds. Ranks of blocky shrubs and wooden stick-men came to attack in the next wave. One of my guys had a torch and was setting all of the plant monsters on fire. ¡°Fire is OP, isn¡¯t it?¡± I said. The torch guy was doing the most damage. ¡°Don¡¯t use a torch on the shrubs,¡± said Anna. ¡°Don¡¯t ruin the surprise!¡± said Gavin. ¡°Why not?¡± But it was too late¨Cthe shrub exploded and sent all my guys flying. One of them let out a little ghost. ¡°Ah! That¡¯s random.¡± ¡°Yeah, they¡¯re the worst,¡± said Anna. ¡°You gotta pay special attention to them.¡± ¡°But they give you gunpowder, which is hard to get otherwise,¡± said Gavin. ¡°What¡¯s gunpowder good for?¡± I asked, and the answer was pretty obvious: explosives. We kept playing the game. As I was harvesting resources, my very first gremlin made a hurk-ish sound and fell over. ¡°Wait, what happened?¡± I asked. It was kind of disturbing to watch the gremlin grab its throat and choke to death as all the other gremlins stood around and did nothing. A cute little ghost left his cute little body. ¡°Ah, if you collect resources too often, they die,¡± said Gavin. ¡°You gotta strike a balance.¡± ¡°That¡¯s lame,¡± I said. ¡°How much can I take?¡± ¡°It varies randomly,¡± he said. ¡°Four resources a day is a good balance between getting rich and keeping your units. The less productive ones will die, but you don¡¯t want them anyway.¡± ¡°Or you could only take three, like I do,¡± said Anna. ¡°Then they all get to live.¡± An argument followed about what would be more effective; apparently, the time spent collecting resources eventually became the bottleneck of the game, and tracking how much you¡¯d collected was tricky. I tended to agree with Gavin, at least in terms of strategy. Having more weak units was less efficient than a few strong ones that you didn¡¯t have to worry about as much. On the other hand, the gremlins made pitiable noises when they died. When I played videogames I tried to take the premise as seriously as possible. In a roleplaying game I treated urgent problems as though they were actually urgent; I didn¡¯t wander off to explore the map. I seldom took the ¡®evil¡¯ route in games, even on the second play through. I even played some survival games as a vegetarian when circumstances permitted. Some habits die hard. And if I were a leader of gremlins, and a gremlin myself, I would not dispose of them so ruthlessly. So even though it was less effective, I tried to find ways to spare the unproductive gremlins. Gavin started giving me shit, of course. ¡°True strength is playing the way you want to play,¡± I told Gavin. ¡°Yeah, we¡¯ll see how much that helps you when I invade,¡± he responded. ¡°I got your back,¡± said Anna. ¡°Gavin can¡¯t kill both of us.¡± ¡°You¡¯re just siding with him?¡± whined Gavin. ¡°C¡¯mon, that¡¯s not fair.¡± ¡°Get fucked, dude,¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯re an evil dictator. You must be defeated.¡± We played games late into the night, and I paid for it the next day, but I felt like my health was already recovering. ¡ª Diana and I went for a walk. It was very pleasant along the riverside. Trees grew from the riverbank, and their vibrant green leaves covered everything in cool shadow. I found myself having to slow my steps. The scent of the river made me want to run, as was my habit, but I held back. ¡°It¡¯s a beautiful day,¡± I said. ¡°Yep.¡± Diana was staring out at the water. Some kids played in a pool behind a piled dam of rocks. She was breathing a bit hard; she had a heavy ruck on. There was a plate of metal high on her back. I was halfway to buying one myself. Rucking was this whole domain of exercise I¡¯d never heard of, but it had been popular for a long time. A heavy weight increased your calorie burn without increasing the strain on your joints. More weight meant more intensity. For someone recovering from chronic hanahaki type A, it would be a tuneable compromise between cardio and walking. Walking was slow, but it was something I could do without endangering myself. I stepped over an orange line in the pavement, a place where a stone had heaved up. To me the line meant that there was a needed repair, but after a moment I realized the orange was actually a warning for cyclists, not some kind of marker for a repair crew. It was something I usually ran right over without noticing. Further on, I caught sight of a piece of cement that had been polished smooth at the edge. The polishing exposed little bits of gravel, a kind of mosaic. Even the concrete was full of secrets. I remembered I was supposed to be figuring out if I was enamored with Diana. I asked her about her major in college. She had graduated about the same time I would have, if I had kept going, with a degree in classical studies. I was learning all kinds of things about her that I¡¯d never had a chance to ask about during our runs. ¡°So like ancient Greeks?¡± ¡°Romans too,¡± she said. ¡°I studied all of antiquity.¡± ¡°Do you work at a museum, or a library perhaps?¡± Diana was quiet for a moment. ¡°No. I work as an editor.¡± ¡°Ah, I see. Writing is a very valuable skill.¡± That was another thing that I put on my resume. Part of me wanted to ask if she had aspired to be a teacher, at one point¨Cshe¡¯d taught some classes at the gym¨Cbut I held my tongue. I¡¯d been a tutor, so I empathized a little bit. I enjoyed tutoring when it came down to it, and part of me was excited to tutor Bella, so a willingness to teach might be something we had in common. Even so, I didn¡¯t want to step on her toes by talking about failed aspirations. ¡°Did the ancient Greeks have anything to say about hanahaki?¡± I asked, a way of changing the topic. ¡°The stoics had some things to say.¡± She didn¡¯t elaborate. Was she testing my interest, or just out of breath? I found that I didn¡¯t really know what Diana was thinking at any given moment. ¡°If I had to guess, they thought it was a sign of weakness?¡± She nodded. ¡°They mostly denigrated it. You have to understand, the ancient Romans thought of hanahaki as a curse inflicted by the gods.¡± She paused to take a breath. ¡°A person ruled by their emotions would be punished by one of Pandora¡¯s ills.¡± That made me wonder if she thought I was weak. ¡°What did they do when they got it?¡± ¡°Most of them hid away, until it went away on its own. The practice is depicted in a few plays.¡± ¡°That seems so backward,¡± I said. ¡°Didn¡¯t it kill them, if they ignored it?¡± ¡°Sometimes. The Romans also had treatments for it, of course, not all of which were completely ineffective.¡± ¡°Such as?¡± ¡°Brothels.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t be serious.¡± ¡°I am,¡± she said. ¡°We don¡¯t talk about it, in modern times, but getting laid probably also makes hanahaki go away.¡± I put that fact away for future reference. Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon. ¡°Brothels, though? Seems like a distraction. Weren¡¯t they all about bravery? Why wouldn¡¯t they just face their crush?¡± ¡°Strength,¡± she said. ¡°The appearance of such. Having a crush meant they were beholden to a woman, or a man I suppose.¡± She resettled her pack. ¡°Did you know that some ancient cultures didn¡¯t recognize homosexuality?¡± ¡°I did not,¡± I said. ¡°But that changed with the Romans?¡± ¡°Yeah. Their philosophers saw men enamored with other men, and paid attention to the physical evidence of it, such as hanahaki. It was one of their beliefs that survived the Dark Ages unscathed.¡± ¡°Huh!¡± ¡°They didn¡¯t do so well with the other sciences, however. Particularly anatomy.¡± ¡°You said men with other men. What about the women who got hanahaki?¡± ¡°Lesbians?¡± she asked. ¡°Well, any woman, really.¡± ¡°Whatever they did, it was mostly lost to history,¡± said Diana. ¡°That happens when you don''t teach an entire group of people how to write.¡± ¡°That''s¡­ sad.¡± ¡°Perhaps she¡¯d go cough on a man and see if he¡¯d respond by bedding her.¡± That made me cough, myself. ¡°That sounds like something that a playwright would make up.¡± ¡°It may sound that way, but there is good evidence for it. Marriage came with a lot of benefits.¡± We walked up a short set of concrete stairs, and she kept talking after we got to the top. ¡°Women didn¡¯t get hanahaki all that often.¡± ¡°I read an article that men are getting hanahaki more than women in modern times, but that it was the reverse in the past.¡± ¡°Oh, that¡¯s bullshit,¡± said Diana. ¡°Men got it more then, too. It¡¯s just that men wrote the history books and they had reasons to lie about who was weak.¡± Our conversation continued, and I found I was learning as much about ancient Greece and Rome as Diana. I completely forgot to ask her out on a real date. ¡ª ¡°That went well,¡± said Chloe as we walked back toward the company car. We had just finished our customer meeting. ¡°Are you sure?¡± said Graham. ¡°It was pretty painful.¡± ¡°You¡¯ve a lot to learn,¡± she replied. It had spilled over into the second day. Twelve hours total, filled with meetings that went in circles where everyone repeated themselves unnecessary, with a lot of angry demands and posturing. Sometimes I found people to be contemptible monkeys¨CI shook my head, stopping that line of thinking. I had a list of changes to make that was eight pages long. Honestly, we were lucky. It had both been painful and had gone well. The customer meeting could have lasted two whole days, or a whole week. ¡°Now comes the hard part,¡± I said. ¡°We need to email all the important people, asking for clarification.¡± ¡°Covering our asses,¡± Graham said. ¡°That too,¡± I said, ¡°but the main thing is getting clear objectives.¡± I straightened out the papers. ¡°In general, saving everything and imagining how it will look from a future perspective is wise.¡± ¡°Covering our asses is what it is,¡± said Chloe. ¡°Don¡¯t be too obvious about it, though, that makes people defensive.¡± ¡°Got it. Subtly cover my ass, or my ass is grass.¡± I couldn¡¯t help but chuckle. Graham practically sang it. ¡°Make sure you¡¯re extra modest, Graham,¡± said Chloe. "Wear more than grass.¡± ¡°Of course,¡± he said, making a big show of trying to look over his own shoulder as though he¡¯d forgotten whether he put on pants. I shook my head. Graham had seemed unmotivated when I first met him, but he¡¯d shown another face when we¡¯d been in the meeting. He¡¯d been just the right mix of casual and deferential that made people¨Cand therefore the customer¨Copen up. Perhaps we owed the fact that the meeting went so well to Graham¡¯s social skills. However, I imagined he¡¯d struggle with writing specific and precise emails. Writing was a rare skill. I¡¯d be there, CC¡¯d and ready to step in, and to write any other document we ended up needing. Chloe would be on the email chains as well, so that she could apply her authority when necessary. I was looking forward to getting home. I¡¯d used every biobreak; the bloomycin played havoc with my stomach. ¡ª The reminder from my past to prioritize my time came that evening. I didn¡¯t ignore it; ignoring alarms would set a bad habit that I didn¡¯t want. The second part of the strength of reminders is always following them, but the first part is only setting alarms when you know you¡¯ll be able to follow. I didn¡¯t want to short-circuit that process from either direction. I sat down to consider my priorities. For me, that was making a spreadsheet about each of my activities and how it benefited my goals. The spreadsheet was meant to help me sort through the information my intuition would have picked up, but it wasn''t strictly accurate accounting. I had things like lower bound on utilons generated and potential future growth written down as benefits. By the metrics I made up on the spot, working hard for money and going on dates were my greatest priorities. Unfortunately, the soup kitchen just didn¡¯t rank very well in terms of goodness generated; money would better serve for that purpose. As for what happiness I could have from volunteering, it seemed dwarfed by the amount of happiness I¡¯d find if I figured out who should be my romantic partner. I also considered that the soup kitchen didn¡¯t have enough bathrooms. Maybe it would be better to take a break from there until after my bloomycin course. Exercise also didn¡¯t fair well on my metric (prioritizing recovery was of greatest importance). However, I was cautious about the possibility of getting stuck in a feedback loop of ever-worsening health. First you skip workouts; then you eat poorly; then you stop taking the stairs; finally your health falls so far it depresses you and you can¡¯t get out of the hole. I¡¯d read about it happening. Fortunately, I had synergistic activities planned: another walk with Diana. I¡¯d cut back on working out, but I would not cut it out entirely. As I considered the plan I made, I felt a small note of disquiet. Something didn¡¯t seem right about it¨Chowever, I had used the entire hour to plan, and I needed to get to bed early for work the next day. I decided I would revisit the issue later. I could trust the numbers, couldn¡¯t I? I really couldn¡¯t. My first mistake was not taking my reluctance seriously. The numbers weren¡¯t the point of the exercise, they were a tool for pumping my intuition. It was a warning I should have listened to, but unfortunately my subconscious doesn¡¯t consider whether I¡¯ll be able to respond to its alarms. should have paid closer attention. It only rang once, if at all. The second mistake was much more mundane. I didn¡¯t schedule time to think about my plans again, and failed to revisit the issue at all. It¡¯s often the case that two concurrent mistakes are necessary for things to go completely off the rails. ¡ª Diana and I went for another walk. She was already having an easier time keeping her breath while carrying the ruck, and I¡¯d like to think that I was wheezing less as well. I tried to ignore the effect of the straps on her chest, and ended up staring at the pavement again. We talked idly about how things were going at my work, for a bit. Then I angled the conversation toward a topic I preferred. ¡°You are a stoic,¡± I said, and she made a small smile. One time I¡¯d seen Diana smash her finger between a pair of weights. I¡¯d offered to get her a bandage, and she had made a pained grin before saying ¡®Does a stoic care about bandaids?¡¯ From then, I knew she was a stoic. I was delighted that she had noticed that I had remembered. ¡°I try to be,¡± she said. ¡°Would a stoic think that my serious hanahaki makes me weak?¡± I found myself bothered by the possibility that Diana held me in contempt, probably because I admired her strength and work ethic. If she looked down on me¡­ well. I¡¯d be sad. ¡°Caring too much about whether others consider you weak, makes you weak,¡± she said. I felt my frown deepen, but then she went on. ¡°You are one of the strongest people I know. I think your hanahaki happened to you, through no fault of your own. You can demonstrate virtue by withstanding it.¡± ¡°Thanks, I guess.¡± I kicked a pebble. ¡°The doctor and just about everyone else thinks I¡¯m pining for someone, but I disagree.¡± ¡°Oh?¡± ¡°He can¡¯t see how things look from my perspective. He¡¯s running a script for the typical victim of hanahaki, rather than listening to me.¡± She nodded once, then adjusted the heavy ruck. ¡°People think they know the cause of a thing. They forget to examine their assumptions.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to make that sort of mistake,¡± I said. ¡°With that in mind¡­ Diana, would you like to go on an actual date, sometime?¡± ¡°Excuse me?¡± she said as she stopped short. I hadn¡¯t seen plain confusion on her face before that moment, that I could recall. The fact of her confusion made me think I¡¯d made a mistake, and as I watched her brow furrow, my certainty only increased. ¡°The doctor recommended that I ask people out,¡± I hastily said. ¡°It¡¯s supposed to help me de-stress even if I don''t already have a crush. I don¡¯t think I have a crush on you, but I¡¯m willing to check my assumptions.¡± She just stared at me. ¡°Also, you are ¡­ ¡± smoking hot, I thought, but I went with ¡°...someone I might want to date. You were the first person I thought it might be.¡± ¡°I see.¡± She looked away. ¡°Sorry, Milo. I¡¯d rather not.¡± ¡°That¡¯s okay,¡± I said. I felt sad, and even ashamed, but also just a bit relieved that I¡¯d been brave enough to get past such an obstacle. I could withstand shame, and I could withstand sadness. I had been rejected. I was looking forward to being healed. We continued to walk. Diana had a troubled look on her face. ¡°Did I cause your hanahaki?¡± she quietly asked. ¡°No.¡± ¡°If you needed to confess to recover¨C¡± ¡°I am trying to recover, but I don¡¯t think it was your fault.¡± ¡°That¡¯s good. But does that mean there¡¯s someone else?¡± Bella had warned me not to mention that I had made a list. ¡°I don¡¯t think anyone caused it,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I asked, I didn¡¯t want to impose on you! I was just¡­ looking for a cure, I suppose.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry I can¡¯t provide one.¡± I remembered her comment about brothels, involuntarily. ¡°It¡¯s really fine,¡± I said. ¡°I mean, even a rejection can be a cure, I¡¯ve heard. Also, I¡¯ve got medicine for it, and, I do enjoy being your friend. I don¡¯t need anything else from you.¡± We kept walking in silence for a bit. Our silences weren¡¯t usually so awkward. My face felt like it was burning. The sensation would go away, then come back randomly. I hated it. I wanted to ask why I wasn''t a good enough person to date? She said I was strong¨Cdid that not impress her? I mean, beefier guys frequented the gym, but I had force of will, the kind of strength that mattered. However, Bella had advised me to take a rejection as immediately and casually as possible. That would make it less uncomfortable for Diana, she¡¯d said. Asking people out to get over your illness was a known thing, something that appeared in TV shows if not terribly frequently in reality. Diana would probably take it in stride. I wondered if she¡¯d gotten any confessions before. Even so, I was regretting not waiting until the end of the walk. I was so embarrassed, more than I¡¯d expected, and my embarrassment kept growing. Like the ancients, I wanted to run away and hide until I got better. My stomach gurgled. Supposedly hanahaki gave you the perfect excuse to ask someone out, but it was a very imperfect one for me. The trope was that morally-compromised people would fake it¨C¡¯I¡¯m only asking you out to feel better,¡¯ they¡¯d say, while not ill in the slightest. That was kind of like my situation, but inverted. My goal was to actually get better. The part I¡¯d been faking was the attraction. Part of the attraction was fake, anyway. Diana was very pretty. I was blushing again. ¡°Well, I¡¯m looking forward to being able to run again,¡± I tried to say, but Diana interrupted me. ¡°I¡¯m gay.¡± She wouldn¡¯t meet my eyes. ¡°It¡¯s nothing to do with you.¡± I stared at her for a moment, then I laughed. ¡°I¡¯m relieved, I suppose! Also I¡¯m really sorry I didn¡¯t already know that.¡± ¡°It doesn¡¯t often come up,¡± she replied. ¡°I, well, I tried to talk about it last time¡­ it¡¯s just really awkward.¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad you told me.¡± I thought about it for a bit more, and realized that she might be trying to spare my feelings. ¡°But even if you were straight as an arrow, I¡¯d be able to accept your rejection.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not,¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t lie to people.¡± ¡°I know, but¨Cyou don¡¯t have to give me any reason. You don¡¯t owe me a reason.¡± Bella had used those exact words, when telling me what I should do if I were rejected. Following that script made me feel like I was on solid ground. She half-smiled. Maybe assuring her that I¡¯d accepted the verdict without excuses really did help her feel better. I also believed people should be given time to figure out how they felt about things. I liked to give people an out if they were embarrassed or uncomfortable. Diana could take as much time as she wanted to think things through, as far as I was concerned. Not that she would need much time to know she didn¡¯t want to date a man, if she were a lesbian. We continued to walk. We talked a bit more. I felt better, knowing that no particular deficiency of mine caused her to reject me. Diana didn¡¯t linger at the end of our walk, instead going straight to the gym to continue her workout. I got in my car and drove home, then ran to the bathroom. I texted her an apology later, and she assured me it was no big deal. 75% Part 3 ¡°Diana was a bust,¡± said Bella. ¡°You should have at least figured out whether she was straight, first.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t get much of a chance to get to know her before that,¡± I replied. I pulled the string of a teabag, and made it swirl around. It twirled just like the dreamcatcher. Once again we were sitting at the coffee table in my living room. ¡°That¡¯s a problem, Milo!¡± she said. ¡°I thought you¡¯d known this woman for a long time.¡± ¡°Yeah, but we never talked about things like that,¡± I said, somewhat defensively. ¡°It¡¯s not my fault.¡± ¡°Weren¡¯t you flirting with this chick every time you met up with her?¡± ¡°Of course I wasn¡¯t flirting with her! I hadn¡¯t intended to date her.¡± Bella facepalmed. ¡°I thought you ran little races, complemented her progress? And you were touching each other to stabilize during lifts?¡± ¡°I¡¯d do the same for a male gym partner.¡± I preempted a possible question. ¡°I¡¯m not bi, by the way.¡± Bella sighed. ¡°You treated her like a bro, didn¡¯t you.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°You sent her mixed signals. No wonder she got confused.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not sure I¡­¡± I almost pulled out my phone to apologize to her again, but thought better of it. ¡°It sounds like her signals were unambiguous, though.¡± It was my turn to sigh. ¡°We talked about the way Romans used sex to cure hanahaki for like an hour.¡± ¡°Oh. Huh.¡± Bella was pretty cute when she blushed. ¡°If that¡¯s not flirting, nobody flirts with me, so this is a doomed cause.¡± Bella¡¯s eyes narrowed. ¡°I¡¯m going to explain what flirting is, and then you can look for it next time you are with one of them.¡± ¡°I know what flirting is,¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re the one who seems to be confused.¡± But as it turned out, we had a lot of disagreements about the subject. Flirting occurs on the edge of deniability, to spare both participants if one of them doesn¡¯t reciprocate; I shouldn¡¯t have expected it to be simple. It¡¯s a matter of escalating ambiguous signals into obvious ones, so naturally, it was very ambiguous. Bella started giving examples, bringing up Greg and the cheerleader whose name I still didn¡¯t know, but she listed so many exceptions that by the end I was more confused about her position than when we¡¯d started. ¡°I mean, everybody likes getting compliments,¡± I said. ¡°If a guy has a cool beard, I¡¯m going to say something.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not natural, you know?¡± said Bella. ¡°If you tell some random guy he has a cool beard, he¡¯s immediately going to wonder if you¡¯re into hairy men.¡± I frowned. ¡°Maybe if you¡¯re a woman. Man to man, it¡¯s not like that.¡± She looked past me and toward the wall as she thought. ¡°Maybe you¡¯re right,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯ve complimented boys. Some of the time they get the wrong idea, so I¡¯ve got to be careful, but I don¡¯t recall a girl acting weird after I complimented her.¡± ¡°Now that I think about it, most women don¡¯t give me compliments very often.¡± I received more compliments at work from male coworkers than female ones. I rubbed my chin. I¡¯d always thought that women were harder to impress, or perhaps meaner, but maybe they were just more reserved to avoid miscommunication. It was obvious in retrospect. However, all five of my dating prospects, even Diana the lesbian, had complimented me at least once. ¡°Are you sure that friends don¡¯t also give compliments to each other?¡± I asked Bella. ¡°Of course they do,¡± she said. Bella¡¯s eyes moved as she thought, like she was reading, but there wasn¡¯t a book in front of her. ¡°Flirting is a lot of compliments, though, and more focused too. And it¡¯s almost always in a one-on-one context.¡± ¡°I¡¯m going to keep complimenting people¡¯s beards, then,¡± I said. ¡°If it¡¯s a stranger I don¡¯t even know, they probably won¡¯t read too much into it, and men need the compliments anyway.¡± ¡°You know what, you do you,¡± she said. ¡°What do you mean, about men needing compliments?¡± I tried to explain to her how male existence was lonely and soul-crushing, a whirl between work and machismo with ¡®friends¡¯, and that we lived in a society that deprioritized men in so many ways that most men felt they were constantly beset by enemies on all sides. ¡°So you are unhappy all the time?¡± she asked, with some concern. ¡°Oh no, not me,¡± I said. ¡°Other men who are less successful, though. And other men who aren¡¯t as deliberate with their friend choices, and who are less aware of their emotions, and more self destructive¡­¡± ¡°That sounds awful,¡± she said. ¡°It is. So, I want to show solidarity with them, let them know that they are appreciated and valued. If they take the time to make their beard look cool, they should be lauded!¡± I exhaled. ¡°And this is the part where I say that women also get a raw deal from society, and have been subjugated for centuries, and have to deal with ongoing biases and patriarchy and immense injustices from unequal pay, so¨C¡± ¡°You can skip that part,¡± she said, making me tilt my head. ¡°I know it already.¡± ¡°Fair enough.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve already decided to do something about it.¡± ¡°What''s that?¡± I asked. ¡°I¡¯ve decided I¡¯m going to be a mechanical engineer,¡± said Bella, ¡°Unless it gets boring, in which case I¡¯ll change to something else.¡± I laughed. ¡°Excellent response. Particularly about changing course when you learn something about yourself.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± ¡ª Diana excused herself from our next walk. Her father needed help with remodeling part of his house and she was skipping her workout. Without her there to set a pace, I found myself walking too fast. I didn¡¯t check myself until I started to lose my breath. I missed being allowed to run. I had to concentrate to go slow. Counting my steps ruined the experience a bit, but I expected that with practice it would help me learn to take my time. I listened to slower music with my headphones. It helped. ¡ª Weeks passed, and I finally finished the bloomycin course. I had ended up skipping the soup kitchen, ostensibly to recover, but maybe also because I was afraid I¡¯d be embarrassed from having to run to the bathroom so often. I wasn¡¯t sure what motivated me more, in the end. The next time Anna came to town we went and got coffee. It definitely wasn¡¯t a date¨CBella and I decided that we wouldn¡¯t call it a date until the lady verbally agreed to go out with me¨Cbut it was a chance for me to pay attention and look for any flirting. At least I wouldn¡¯t have to check if Anna was a lesbian. I¡¯d known some of her exes, and they were all male. This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version. ¡°The avian flu is particularly bad this year,¡± Anna was saying. Chickens were famous for their vulnerability to the flu, a sickness that humans easily fought off. ¡°It¡¯s really tragic. All those chickens die, and nobody even eats them.¡± Neither Anna nor I ate chicken. She was a full vegetarian, immensely rare for a farm girl, and I¡¯d quit eating real meat after she¡¯d inspired me. ¡°Is there anything we can do?¡± I took another bite of my berry sandwich. By ¡®we¡¯ I meant humanity, but Anna would know what I meant. Our conversations were often about how society, or ranching in particular, could be better. ¡°They cull birds,¡± she said. ¡°But wild reservoirs of the disease make it so that it always comes back.¡± ¡°Just like hanahaki. Man, we need something like a fully-general way of preventing illness.¡± I scratched my chin. ¡°I realize that¡¯s a stupid thing to say, because illnesses are all kinds of things, but still. We need to spend more effort preventing respiratory sickness.¡± ¡°The real solution is to give the birds plenty of space, and healthier conditions. Or maybe to stop eating them entirely. Also, it¡¯s kind of screwed up that to cure chickens, we kill a bunch of them.¡± She took a long pull of her coffee. ¡°Chickens are actually very smart animals.¡± We¡¯d had this conversation a few times, so I skipped straight to the end. ¡°Thinking of Misty?¡± I asked. Anna had kept a pet chicken for a time, growing up. ¡°Of course,¡± she said. ¡°I remember that one time she pecked Gavin and you.¡± I could remember the incident as well. Anna and I were eleven years old. She had been carrying Misty everywhere on her shoulder, and whenever Gavin or I got too close, the bird would go after us. Gavin had finally thrown up his hands and avoided standing anywhere near Anna. I¡¯d started giving Anna a hug every time I saw her, and just kept letting the chicken bite me. I was going to win against the bird no matter what it took. Finally, one day, Misty got me really good and I carried her around as she hung from my arm. She had drawn blood. After detaching the bird, Anna had calmly told me to knock it off, because blood was bad for chickens. We¡¯d called Misty the vampire chicken after that. ¡°Misty was a good guard dog, wasn¡¯t she,¡± I said. Eventually the chicken had come around, and I¡¯d been able to carry her too. Unfortunately, chickens don¡¯t have long lifespans. ¡°She was,¡± said Anna. ¡°Did you know that chickens have their own version of hanahaki?¡± That was a new step in the conversation. ¡°What? I thought it was humans only.¡± ¡°Well, ¡¯hanahaki¡¯ is, I suppose. It¡¯s a disease, like ¡®athlete¡¯s foot¡¯ is a disease, and birds get fungal infections like avian Aspergillosis.¡± She sipped her coffee, and I realized from the way she was staring into my eyes that a punchline of some sort was coming. ¡°Many vertebrate species have their own Amorfloris worms, though. Chickens, cows. Even some plants.¡± ¡°Plants? Plants, with parasitic plants?¡± ¡°Oh yeah. But hanahaki isn¡¯t a plant, or an animal, or a fungus. It¡¯s kind of all three.¡± ¡°Fair. But Amorfloris parasites still cause blooms in plants, like they do in animals?¡± ¡°On plants,¡± she said, ¡°But yeah, they do.¡± ¡°That¡¯s crazy.¡± I lifted my fruit sandwich and her smile widened. ¡°Guess where fake meat comes from?¡± ¡°No,¡± I said, putting down the sandwich. ¡°No way.¡± ¡°Yes, way!¡± She laughed. ¡°Meat berry plants are related to Amorfloris.¡± My appetite left me entirely. ¡°So I¡¯ve been eating hanahaki this whole time?¡± ¡°Again, it¡¯s not hanahaki, just like shitake mushrooms aren¡¯t athletes foot.¡± She put her head on her hand. ¡°It¡¯s fun to see you so flustered.¡± Anna went on to explain some things about meat berry cultivation¨Chow any tree could be used, but apple trees were preferred for their ability to support many grafts. About how meat berry consumption was rising worldwide due to it being more economically viable than traditional meat. About how you had to control your harvest so you didn¡¯t damage the plant, just like with the units in BloomCraft. It was a lot to digest at once, but I enjoyed it when Anna waxed poetic about something. She had this practical expertise about any subject she¡¯d decided was important. She¡¯d go out and figure out all the best practices about something, all the little nuances. She¡¯d been that way when we were kids, always chasing after something with great intensity. The attitude served her well on the ranches where she worked. Sometimes a lot of work had to be done, and a lot of motivation was necessary. I almost asked her out, right there, but I was still gun shy after what had happened with Diana. ¡°This was a lot of fun,¡± I said. ¡°We should do this again soon.¡± ¡°I¡¯d like that,¡± she said. Close enough, I thought. ¡ª ¡°Way to go!¡± said Bella. ¡°It¡¯s not a date,¡± I said. ¡°I didn¡¯t call it a date, she didn¡¯t treat our meetup like a date, she barely flirted with me. We¡¯ve been friends forever and it probably won¡¯t change.¡± ¡°Friendship can grow into romance,¡± said Bella. ¡°It¡¯s a very common pattern.¡± ¡°You spent half of our last discussion telling me I shouldn¡¯t have been so pushy with Diana." ¡°It depends on the circumstance,¡± she said. ¡°But with Anna, you probably have a shot. She seems to really care about you.¡± ¡°What makes you say that?¡± ¡°Choosing games you¡¯d like, remembering your preferences. Checking in on you when you are sick.¡± ¡°Anna is a compassionate woman. She cares about animals, but also about the farmers whose livelihoods depend on her.¡± Anna didn¡¯t eat meat, but she worked with many people who did, and empathized with them despite their disagreements. ¡°So you¡¯re saying you like her, too?¡± ¡°I¡¯m saying that you shouldn¡¯t denigrate her by implying she¡¯s overly compassionate to me alone.¡± Bella laughed. ¡°Fine, fine. Well, let¡¯s talk about the other two then.¡± ¡°I haven¡¯t seen Emma in weeks,¡± I said. I felt my face fall. ¡°I haven¡¯t been going to the soup kitchen. I¡¯m not sure if that means I¡¯m a good person.¡± ¡°You¡¯re still donating a fraction of your salary, right?¡± ¡°I upped it to twelve percent to compensate.¡± My overtime had made more than two percent extra. ¡°Uh huh,¡± she said. ¡°You are definitely still moral, so stop worrying about that.¡± She hummed. ¡°Maybe you should skip a walk to go to the soup kitchen, again? Talk to Emma?¡± ¡°Maybe I should pursue just one woman at a time?¡± ¡°You were just saying that Anna wasn¡¯t that woman, and that you weren¡¯t really pursuing her.¡± I shook my head. ¡°I think I will go to the soup kitchen, because I miss it.¡± I didn¡¯t mention the digestive issues from bloomycin. I had finished the course some weeks before, but still hadn¡¯t gone back to volunteering. ¡°As for dates, I¡¯ll cool it for now.¡± ¡°September is fast approaching.¡± I laughed, intending to say ¡°you got me there,¡± but the laugh turned into a cough. ¡°Not sick again, are you?¡± asked Bella. ¡°My lungs are still irritated from the surgery. It¡¯s awful.¡± ¡°Well, I was going to ask about Chloe. You¡¯ve spent more time at work, recently?¡± ¡°I have¡­¡± I said slowly. ¡°But I haven¡¯t interacted with Chloe much. My nose has been to the grindstone.¡± ¡°Hmm,¡± she said, and I tried to keep in mind that Bella hadn¡¯t ever held an office job. ¡°I¡¯m capable and independent, so when we aren¡¯t on some sort of mission together, she spends most of her time helping others. Also, I¡¯ve got my own office.¡± Bella hadn¡¯t had an office job, so the bragging was doubly useless. ¡°Fair enough,¡± said Bella. ¡°Have you tried asking her to get lunch?¡± ¡°She eats at her desk, like everybody else. Also, did you miss the part where she¡¯s my superior?¡± ¡°A dominant woman, perfect for a pushover like you.¡± I snorted, and something shot out of my mouth. It floated down onto the table: it was a single hanahaki petal. ¡°You¡¯ve got to be kidding me,¡± I said. ¡ª I saw Dr. Dominic the same day. He ordered another scan, which revealed that hanahaki worms were growing in my lungs once more. They were small¨CI¡¯d caught it much faster, this time¨Cbut it hadn¡¯t even been a month since the end of my bloomycin treatment before the disease had returned. ¡°We are going to have to perform further tests,¡± he said. ¡°Did you ever ask your crush out?¡± ¡°I told you, I don¡¯t have a freaking crush!¡± ¡°Mr. Caldwell, I¡¯m just trying to understand your situation so I can provide better treatment.¡± ¡°Well, understand that I don¡¯t have a crush, and I never did, and I tried to get a date anyway, and it made things worse, and this illness is still affecting me. Could it be anything else?¡± ¡°Your immune system could be compromised by stress,¡± he said. ¡°Have you de-stressed, like I advised?¡± ¡°Yes! I¨C¡± I¡¯d stopped going to the soup kitchen, and I¡¯d stopped exercising very much, both of which made me happy with endorphins. And I¡¯d been working overtime in the aftermath of the customer meeting. ¡°Fuck.¡± ¡°Fuck indeed, Mr. Caldwell. I¡¯m going to prescribe more bloomycins, and a nutritional supplement just in case your vegetarianism is causing deficiencies. We¡¯ll see how you do.¡± ¡°What about surgery?¡± ¡°It shouldn¡¯t be necessary.¡± ¡°Look, the bloomycins¡­ their side effects are pretty awful.¡± ¡°Oh?¡± He listened to my concerns about having to run to the bathroom, and wrote in his notes. ¡°I¡¯m glad you said so. We¡¯ll try a different kind so that you can keep volunteering.¡± ¡°Thank you,¡± I said. I was mentally kicking myself; I could have e-mailed him at any time, and made the problem go away. Then I remembered that you have to finish every course of antifloral drugs, entirely. Drug-resistant hanahaki was a growing concern. ¡°And an antidiarrheal, as well,¡± he added. ¡°Okay, yeah. Good idea.¡± 55% Part 1 Sometimes an older person would get sick and die from hanahaki, instead of dying from heart disease or all the other things old people normally died from. That happened when the worms grew too long, impeding breathing, or when they managed to pierce the lining of the lungs and cause bleeding. Hanahaki type B was a way that old people sometimes perished. Young people only rarely had their life threatened by it. Rarely, a mentally disabled person would get hanahaki for long enough that they got majorly sicks. The mentally-disabled struggled to communicate their health issues and to sort through their emotions. Finally, some people had weakened immune systems from genetic disorders or nutritional deficiences. Without a strong immune system, hanahaki could run rampant. I wondered if an immune system issue was what was wrong with me. I couldn¡¯t help but think of it in those terms: something was wrong with me. I¡¯d spent my entire life making myself a better person, through socialization, volunteering, working, and striving. The thought that I had a deficiency that I could do nothing about was terrifying, especially if it was in my very important immune system. The internet did not help me much in figuring out the specifics. My immune system had under reacted, or perhaps over reacted, or perhaps accidentally targeted my lungs itself. By the time I was reading about rare complications that almost no-one ever got, I realized I¡¯d gone too far. There were a lot of unknowns regarding Hanahaki despite the fact that it had existed forever. Although hanahaki was common, complications were not, and thus it wasn¡¯t prioritized for research. It would be like researching people who almost died from food poisoning. Hanahaki was unique among respiratory illnesses. It was the only one that wasn''t taken seriously. I read about a plague cause by human influenza, which had swept through the population in the middle ages, killing ten percent. I tried to ignore the tickling sensation in my lungs. I coughed up small petals and withered sticks for days. It was strange to me, that we took things like hanahaki for granted, but only now that I¡¯d stopped to think about it. The petals and debris disappeared. The disquiet remained. ¡ª ¡°Good news,¡± I told Anna and Gavin online. We were playing BloomCraft again. ¡°I¡¯ve met my deductible.¡± ¡°I thought you had good insurance,¡± said Anna. ¡°Me too, but I¡¯ve never actually used it.¡± I¡¯d signed up for the cheapest one to save money. According to my math, even accounting for the extra large deductible, my years of good health had made the cheaper plan net profitable. ¡°Dude, asking out that gym chick was a bad move,¡± said Gavin. ¡°You¡¯re telling me. I haven¡¯t seen her in weeks.¡± ¡°What are you guys talking about?¡± asked Anna. ¡°Oh,¡± said Gavin, ¡°Casanova here asked out his running partner to try and cure his hanahaki, and it didn¡¯t work.¡± ¡°Did you have a crush on her?¡± asked Anna in an incredulous tone. ¡°No, apparently not,¡± I said. ¡°How could you not know? And, hold on a minute, does this mean you just asked her out as a means to an end?¡± ¡°Well, people seem to think I¡¯ve got to have a crush on someone, so I figured it might be her.¡± I redirected some of my units in BloomCraft. ¡°As for the second question, it¡¯s about synergy. Yes, I¡¯d be cured, but I might also find romance, so why wouldn¡¯t I ask her out?¡± ¡°Because you don¡¯t care about her?¡± asked Anna. ¡°Asking people out is always a means to an end," added Gavin. ¡°You never ask anyone out!¡± said Anna, ignoring him. ¡°I was working under the assumption that I might not know if I did care about her,¡± I said. ¡°My feelings about Diana are complicated. Were complicated, I guess.¡± ¡°You were hot for her, then,¡± said Gavin. It was true, but my attraction to Diana had evaporated the moment she¡¯d rejected me. That part of the doctor¡¯s advice had been genuine. That it worked should have been predictable; if pining after people got you killed, then there¡¯d be strong evolutionary selection against getting hung up on someone. ¡°If I was attracted to her, I¡¯m completely cured of that," I said. Freaking Gavin was attacking me as we talked¨Cmaybe the conversation was just an attempt to distract me. ¡°You¡¯re a jerk.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± he said, and I was startled by the genuine contriteness in his voice. The attack stopped; he started letting me slaughter his units. ¡°I shouldn¡¯t have pushed you to ask her out.¡± ¡°Wait, when did you do that ?¡± I asked. ¡°Almost as soon as you started running with her.¡± ¡°Whatever, man, it¡¯s not your fault. I asked her because my doctor told me to.¡± ¡°He did?¡± asked Gavin. ¡°Is he even a good doctor?¡± ¡°He¡¯s the one I have. So it¡¯s not your fault, really.¡± ¡°Thank you,¡± he said. The genuine relief I felt was also a surprise. Gavin and I had been friends forever; sometimes, I took it for granted I could tell what he was thinking. That was a trap that you could fall into when only meeting online. Miscommunications happened. Hearing voices was better than text only; but seeing in person was better by far. And of course, people grow and change. That Gavin cared whether he¡¯d led me astray was a new development, one that I appreciated. ¡°What are you going to do now?¡± asked Anna. Her units were moving in to defend my own. Gavin had begun a retreat. ¡°I¡¯m still sick with hanahaki, obviously. It¡¯s stress related. The doctor says I¡¯ve got to take it easy, so I¡¯m going to reduce my hours at work and I¡¯m going to spend more time having fun.¡± ¡°More videogames?¡± she asked. I had been playing a lot already, or at least, a lot more than before. ¡°I suppose so. I¡¯m also going to return to the soup kitchen, since I enjoy it so much. And tutor on the weekends.¡± If they thought this was too much to undertake, they didn¡¯t say anything about it. ¡°It¡¯s been a while since you did that,¡± said Gavin. ¡°Well, the new college semester is starting, and tutoring is another thing I enjoy¡­ so.¡± Both of those things were true, even if they weren¡¯t my primary reason. I decided to not mention Bella. It wasn¡¯t that I feared Gavin would get the wrong idea; I just didn¡¯t want Gavin to have to refrain from pushing me toward Bella. If I decided to ask her out, after all, I didn¡¯t want him to think it was somehow also his fault. Also, I had to figure out how I felt about her myself. She¡¯d been coolly helping me pursue the others. No hint of jealousy¨Cno hint of feelings for me, unless you counted getting embarrassed at some of the things I said, which I thought was pretty reasonable. It happened to me too, after all. I could probably cross Bella off the list. If she were interested in me, she¡¯d do the obvious thing and suggest I date her. If she weren¡¯t interested, me asking her would cause my relationship with the Brookes to implode, so I¡¯d better not. Either way, I might as well help her with tutoring. ¡ª I went to the soup kitchen the next day, a Tuesday, and everyone seemed pretty happy to see me. Boris shook my hand and patted me on the back; Joshua gave me a warm, bearded smile; and Emma surprised me by pulling me into a hug. Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work! ¡°You¡¯re back!¡± said Emma. ¡°I¡¯m so relieved.¡± ¡°...relieved?¡± ¡°Yeah! I heard from Boris that you went to the hospital.¡± She stepped back. ¡°He said it was hanahaki?¡± ¡°Stress related,¡± I said, an attempt to head off the obvious questions. ¡°But yeah. I¡¯m doing better now.¡± ¡°Good,¡± she said. She inhaled. ¡°And I need to apologize.¡± ¡°For what?¡± ¡°For¡­ telling you to suck it up, lest you end up in the hospital.¡± I laughed as she wrung her hands. ¡°No need,¡± I said. ¡°I mean, you were right, in a way.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t very nice about it, and I kept thinking that I didn¡¯t really think you¡¯d end up there, but then you did¡­ and I¡¯d said such mean things¡­¡± ¡°Wait a moment, has that been burning you up for the last¡­¡± I thought back. It had been six weeks. ¡°Month or so?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°You should have just texted me! I wasn¡¯t offended at all, I promise.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t have your number,¡± said Emma, looking away. ¡°Not a very good excuse, I guess.¡± ¡°You could have asked Boris. Here,¡± I said, pulling open my phone. ¡°Give me yours, then this won¡¯t happen in the future.¡± Emma said some digits and I typed them in. I didn¡¯t miss that her face was a bit red. Probably embarrassed to have made such a big deal out of it without thinking of the obvious solution, I thought, as I texted her a smiley face. ¡°Got it,¡± she said. ¡°Thanks. You¡¯d better not get hospitalized again, though.¡± ¡°Or what, you¡¯ll put me in the hospital?¡± She laughed. We fell into the swing of things at the soup kitchen. As I worked I felt some of the tension leave me. I was scooping mac and cheese, a task that would tire your arm out if you weren¡¯t careful. It made a sucking sound whenever I pulled out a scoop¨CI was purposefully not being careful, to make it a workout. It made a satisfying whap when I plopped it onto plates. Might as well get meager exercise, and I could switch between arms when needed. I was feeling pretty strong and effective. A lot of the regulars also recognized me, as they went by, and the fact that every one of them was happy to see me buoyed my spirits. After everyone had been served I went to eat my portion. I saw Jason sit down at another table. It would appear that Emma had apologized to him as well, for that fight that was so long ago. Emma sat with me and I explained some of the differences between normal hanahaki and the stress-induced version. She lamented with me that I couldn¡¯t just cure it by asking someone out (although I definitely didn¡¯t mention Diana). Boris, the soup kitchen leader, came to sit with us as well. ¡°So I¡¯m supposed to relax more. I¡¯m going to take some time off work.¡± I¡¯d scheduled every Friday off, in fact. ¡°Ah, you want to come here two times per week,¡± Boris said in his deep baritone. I¡¯d sent an email to him requesting more time in the kitchen. ¡°Yes, or maybe three if I could be of use.¡± ¡°Why?¡± He was giving me a piercing look. ¡°When I was away, I realized that this made me happy, and that I missed it.¡± ¡°You look tired. Upset.¡± I hadn¡¯t expected to get pushback on volunteering. I put my hand to my forehead. ¡°It¡¯s a side effect of the medicine. I¡¯m actually quite happy right now, you know?¡± ¡°I can tell,¡± said Emma. ¡°Even if you look upset, I can tell you are happy.¡± ¡°Hmm.¡± Boris stared straight into my face. I didn¡¯t fake a smile, and I didn¡¯t look away, but I couldn¡¯t help that one of my eyebrows rose as he tried to judge my emotional state. ¡°Very well. Let me know if it changes.¡± ¡°I will.¡± ¡°There is no shame in taking care of yourself.¡± Boris was the head of the soup kitchen. It made sense that he¡¯d be considerate. ¡°That¡¯s why I want to come here more often,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s very therapeutic for me.¡± ¡°That¡¯s great news, Milo!¡± said Emma. ¡°I¡¯ve been missing you on Wednesdays.¡± ¡°Well, looks like I¡¯ll be here on Mondays and Tuesdays now, too.¡± I mimed throwing something. ¡°You can miss me much more often.¡± ¡°Emma is here every day,¡± said Boris. ¡°I am proud of her.¡± Emma playfully punched the much larger man¡¯s shoulder. Boris was protective of the regulars, and although Emma was a volunteer, she¡¯d become something of a regular herself. In fact, I knew she took some of the extra food home to her family. She had multiple reasons to volunteer. ¡°I¡¯m not here every day,¡± she said. ¡°Maybe every weekday.¡± ¡°An asset to the kitchen,¡± he replied. ¡°It¡¯s fun, as Milo was saying.¡± She looked at me. ¡°Better than giving away some of your salary, perhaps?¡± I felt my happiness crack a little bit. ¡°Less hours means less income. I¡¯m trying not to get hung up on it.¡± She nodded. ¡°I feel your pain. It pisses me off when they cancel one of my shifts.¡± ¡°You work twenty hours a week?¡± I asked. It was common for restaurants and other establishments to hire people part time, like that, to avoid giving them benefits. It meant that a canceled shift would be a significant fraction of her income. ¡°That¡¯s right,¡± she said, with an angry smile. ¡°At two different jobs, twenty hours each. That makes it easy to surge on one when the other leaves me hanging.¡± Emma went on to explain that she worked at a fast food joint, but also as a cashier at a clothing store. She preferred the fast food position because it had less downtime. ¡°My shifts seem to go by faster when I work hard, which is all I really want.¡± ¡°And yet you still find time to come here,¡± I said. ¡°I admire that.¡± ¡°Thank you. I¡¯d give anything for a full-time job, though.¡± ¡°Hmm. You have some sales experience, don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Selling hamburgers.¡± ¡°Well, are you any good at math?¡± I asked. ¡°Depends. What kind of math?¡± ¡°I mean¨C¡± I stopped to remember one of Chloe¡¯s interview questions. ¡°You¡¯re selling a product for one hundred dollars. A customer wants to buy fifty¨C¡± ¡°Five thousand,¡± she said. ¡°--for a discount of fifteen percent on the total.¡± ¡°Oh. Uh¡­ four thousand, two hundred and fifty.¡± ¡°How much does each unit cost, then?¡± ¡°Eighty-five dollars, of course.¡± ¡°What if we took another $200 off the total?¡± ¡°Eighty-one each.¡± I could see her expression change as she checked her answer. ¡°Yep, eighty-one.¡± ¡°You are pretty good at math,¡± I said. ¡°It keeps me from getting bored at the clothing store.¡± She went on in a darker tone of voice. ¡°I also keep track of bills in our house. Ma doesn¡¯t have the patience for it.¡± I inferred that she was paying most or all of those bills. ¡°Have you considered becoming a salesperson?¡± ¡°No,¡± she said. ¡°How would you go about that?¡± ¡°You¡¯d have to know somebody,¡± I said. ¡°But it can be very profitable. I actually know a guy who dropped out of college to do that, instead.¡± I gave her a stare. ¡°I¡¯ll ask him if there are any open positions at his company.¡± ¡°That¡¯s awfully nice of you,¡± she said, one eyebrow raised as she met my gaze. ¡°Tell him thanks, in advance.¡± ¡ª ¡°You¡¯re supposed to date her, not get her a job!¡± said Bella. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± I responded. ¡°I couldn¡¯t help it. She said that¡¯s what she wanted and¡­ well, she¡¯s a hard worker.¡± Deserving a good job obviously wasn¡¯t the same thing as being able to get that job, but Emma seemed like she might actually be a good employee. She was driven, that was for sure. If she got her temper under control she¡¯d be like a younger version of Chloe. ¡°Besides, it¡¯s not at all likely we¡¯ll hire her right now. We don¡¯t have any open positions.¡± ¡°That¡¯s nice of you,¡± said Bella, ¡°But if she starts at your company you won¡¯t be able to date her.¡± ¡°So you¡¯ve come around to my point of view about Chloe,¡± I replied. ¡°Yeah. The idea of someone you could work with and love, perfectly balancing each other, seems pretty romantic.¡± Bella sipped her tea. ¡°A romantic falsehood, contradicted by soul-crushing corporate reality.¡± ¡°Strange things for a college freshman to say,¡± I said. ¡°You might be learning too much from my descriptions of work.¡± ¡°Do you think it¡¯s different at any other company?¡± asked Bella. ¡°Eventually I¡¯m going to have to join one, myself. Probably.¡± ¡°All the evidence says ¡®no¡¯,¡± I said. ¡°Alas. Maybe I should become part of a startup.¡± ¡°You¡¯d die instantly from the stress.¡± ¡°I¡¯d accomplish a lot first,¡± I said in my defense. ¡°At least you are taking some time off,¡± she responded. ¡°I¡¯m proud of you.¡± ¡°Thanks,¡± I said with a snort. She¡¯d reminded me of Boris praising Emma at the soup kitchen. The contrast between Boris and Bella was immense; she was small and quiet. Unobtrusive, but cutting with her insight, whereas Boris was immense and spoke plainly. I found my heart warmed by her approval either way. ¡°Glad to have your go-ahead. If you want to study on Fridays, I¡¯ll be available then too, I suppose.¡± ¡°I have classes.¡± ¡°After that, perhaps.¡± I couldn¡¯t tell if Bella was eager to spend more time with me or not. I had to admit I was enjoying helping her with calculus. ¡°What if I want to party? Fridays are when parties happen, aren¡¯t they?¡± ¡°That you don¡¯t know says they don¡¯t appeal to you,¡± I responded. Bella shrugged. ¡°I might try all kinds of new things in college.¡± She went on in a fake whisper. ¡°Don¡¯t tell my parents I said that.¡± I chuckled. ¡°That¡¯s the time to experiment, though, before it¡¯s too late.¡± She nodded. ¡°Do you ever regret dropping out?¡± ¡°Constantly,¡± I said. ¡°But the money was worth it, so.¡± ¡°Doing things for money¨C¡± ¡°Is unfairly maligned by popular culture.¡± I thought of Emma¡¯s two part time jobs, and wondered whether anyone had ever told her to ¡®stop doing things for the money,¡¯ as though she weren¡¯t doing it for her own survival, or that of her family, both of which were very important. ¡°Well, I think you should search for happiness in all aspects of your life,¡± she said. ¡°I just wonder, has work been making you happy?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not sure,¡± I said. ¡°I have lots of it to look forward to, though.¡± 55% Part 2 Anna and I met for coffee again the next time she came to town. I couldn¡¯t help but think that buying a coffee was much more expensive for me, now that I¡¯d reduced my hours so much. With half as much ''extra money'' each paycheck, the price of coffee had effectively doubled. Was it still worth it? It sent me down a rabbit hole about how much my time was worth, which was a depressing chain of thought. Fortunately, Anna arrived with stories to tell, and I forgot about my troubles. She was talking about someone who had moved into one of the farmhouses from the city. ¡°I found this guy digging a ditch up to these trees he planted.¡± ¡°I mean, that seems reasonable.¡± ¡°I said up, Milo. he planted the trees on the top of the hill behind his house.¡± She shook her head. ¡°He thought if he dug deep enough, it¡¯d be fine¨Cit¡¯d water their roots, or something.¡± ¡°That¡¯s ridiculous,¡± I said. I imagined a steep hill, an obvious impossibility, but it occurred to me that the truth was probably more subtle. Slopes could be tricky for people who weren¡¯t used to irrigating. ¡°What¡¯d you do?¡± ¡°I told him to use his hose to water them until they got big enough to water themselves. He started bitching about the water bill, so I suggested he dig himself some different holes in a more convenient location.¡± ¡°Did he follow your advice?¡± ¡°He did, actually! He moved most of the trees to a lower part of the land.¡± ¡°Glad he didn¡¯t wait for them to get too big,¡± I said. ¡°At least he¡¯s motivated enough to dig.¡± ¡°I helped,¡± said Anna. ¡°That punk was bleeding from his hands already. Typical for newcomers. I don¡¯t suppose your hands are any stronger, though.¡± ¡°I lift weights,¡± I objected. ¡°Or I used to.¡± ¡°Let me see,¡± she said. Anna took one of my hands and ran a finger down my palm. It tickled¨CI had to resist yanking it back. ¡°Yep, as soft as a girl¡¯s.¡± ¡°Says a girl.¡± ¡°A woman now,¡± she said, squeezing my hand pretty hard. I didn¡¯t flinch¨CI squeezed back. Anna smiled. ¡°You¡¯re still fairly strong, aren¡¯t you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m giving you like sixty percent,¡± I said. ¡°Fifty-five, maybe.¡± ¡°Stop holding back,¡± she responded, and I squeezed her hand until she yelped. ¡°Jeeze, haha, fine!¡± I let her hand go. ¡°I can feel myself getting weaker, though. Maybe I should resume weights?¡± ¡°Maybe. You look a bit better than last time I saw you." The medicine was working. ¡°That¡¯s good. The doctor has me on levamisole.¡± It was a drug that treated parasites and modulated immune function, which were both things I needed. ¡°Maybe it¡¯s doing me favors.¡± ¡°No amount of drugs can replace a healthy lifestyle. You should move back out of the city. There¡¯s plenty of exercise in the countryside.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll think about it.¡± ¡°And you said you weren¡¯t spending as much time at work?¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯m still working.¡± ¡°It¡¯s only like a forty minute commute, that¡¯s nothing to city-folk, right?¡± ¡°Did the guy who tried to get water to flow uphill tell you that?¡± She set her drink down. ¡°Good point. Maybe he¡¯s not as smart as I thought.¡± ¡°No, I¡¯m sure he¡¯s very capable,¡± I said, waving a hand. ¡°Just not used to the countryside yet. He¡¯ll come around.¡± She gave me an appraising look. ¡°I¡¯ll try to stay on good terms with him.¡± ¡°If you helped him move trees, you¡¯re probably already there.¡± ¡°But you aren¡¯t going to move, yourself?¡± she asked. ¡°I don¡¯t want to give up my house. It¡¯s in a good location.¡± I was thinking of Bella and the Brookes; moving away now would be too sad, because I¡¯d lose their friendship. It also saddened me to think that I wouldn¡¯t remain close to them if I moved away, but I knew it to be true. ¡°Suit yourself.¡± ¡°You should come to the city more,¡± I said. ¡°In fact, there is a botanical garden that you might appreciate. If you wanted¨C¡± ¡°Would it be a date?¡± she asked, looking me in my eye. It caught me off guard. I shouldn¡¯t have been surprised, Anna was sharp. Her stare was a challenge that I would rise to meet, so I did not look away. ¡°If you wanted it to be,¡± I said. ¡°Yes. Want to go on a date, Anna?¡± She sat back. ¡°You¡¯re serious. Do you want to date me, or do you just want to cure your hanahaki?¡± ¡°I¨Cboth. Obviously.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not obvious, Milo.¡± She wasn¡¯t meeting my gaze any more. ¡°A rejection would cure your hanahaki, supposedly.¡± ¡°Supposedly,¡± I said. ¡°If you reject me, I¡¯ll accept it as best as I can.¡± ¡°You won¡¯t even break stride,¡± she responded. ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter to you, as long as you are cured.¡± ¡°It¨C¡± fuck, I thought. I was about to lose my friend for no good reason. ¡°It actually matters a great deal. We don¡¯t need to rock the boat, Anna. We can go on being friends, if you prefer. You don¡¯t even have to reject me, the cure isn¡¯t as important to me.¡± ¡°Are you sure?¡± ¡°You know what, I don¡¯t need an answer,¡± I said. ¡°Sorry I asked.¡± ¡°Is that so?¡± she said. She was looking at my eyes again, and I saw that her eyes were watery. ¡°I guess people do change, sometimes.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°If you¡¯d asked me in highschool, I would have said yes. I had a crush on you back then.¡± ¡°What!¡± I said. I looked around; nobody was staring at me, fortunately. ¡°Anna, what do you mean?¡± ¡°Just want I said. I was crushing on you.¡± She stared at her hands. ¡°I hid it from you, obviously.¡± ¡°Why the heck would you do that?¡± I asked. ¡°What would you have answered, if I had confessed?¡± ¡°I¡ªI don¡¯t know.¡± ¡°That¡¯s why,¡± she said. ¡°I knew what you would say. You¡¯ve never had any interest in girls, Milo. Only in yourself.¡± I was too shocked to speak. ¡°You obviously didn¡¯t care about me, not in that way. And I didn¡¯t want to rock the boat.¡± She took a long drink. ¡°It¡¯s too late now, Milo. I don¡¯t feel that way about you anymore, and even if I did, I know you don¡¯t feel that way about me. Your hands are warm, but I can tell you want to keep them to yourself.¡± I frowned and stared down at my coffee. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Anna. About¨Cabout all of it.¡± She was right. I didn¡¯t want to date her back then, and I still didn¡¯t. I admired her, and felt close to her, but when I imagined her moving to the city to be with me, or me moving to the countryside to be with her, my imagination failed. ¡°Don¡¯t be,¡± she said. ¡°I thought that you were selfish, back then, but it seems like you¡¯ve grown. At least now you value my friendship enough to give something up for it.¡± She stood. ¡°Just like I did. I hope you feel better soon, Milo. Gavin and I will be there for you, as your friends.¡± Anna left me alone in the coffee shop with my thoughts. I frowned. Anna was wrong¨CI had been about to give up her friendship for the chance at better health. I wasn¡¯t any less selfish. I was just better at weighing probabilities. The only thing that had stopped me from destroying our friendship for my health, was the certainty that I would be giving it up for nothing. I put my head into my hands. I was contemptible, and I hadn¡¯t realized it. ¡ª As I boiled the tea, I watched the dreamcatcher spin in the autumn wind. I¡¯d been tutoring Bella every Saturday, but before that we started with catching up and having tea. Studying was secondary. The light was paler, now, so the dreamcatcher¡¯s colors stood out less. ¡°Anna¡¯s out,¡± I said to Bella as I sat down. ¡°Check another off the list.¡± ¡°Why?¡± ¡°She used to have a crush on me, got over it, and just wants to be friends.¡± Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit. ¡°Oh,¡± said Bella. ¡°I guess that makes things simpler.¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± I said. ¡°You seem put out.¡± ¡°I just¡­ I feel like I wronged her, in the past. She knew I wouldn¡¯t go for her and she was right.¡± I chuckled, but there was no mirth in it. ¡°It¡¯s funny how sometimes people know you better than you know yourself.¡± ¡°Your goal was to figure out how you felt,¡± said Bella. ¡°I don¡¯t see how you wronged her. You don¡¯t owe her a date, or anything like that, just like she could always say no if you asked her instead.¡± ¡°Of course. But I wish I understood her better, so that I could be kinder to her feelings.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a two-way street,¡± said Bella. ¡°If she wants you to understand her feelings, she¡¯s got to present them to you.¡± ¡°She didn¡¯t trust me with them, back then, and I think she was right. I would have cut her off or started treating her differently.¡± ¡°That might not have been a bad thing. You could at least have sorted out your emotions.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± I said. ¡°Well, you still have her friendship,¡± she said. ¡°Are you glad?¡± ¡°I think so.¡± ¡°Me too, then. That just leaves Emma. After that, we¡¯ll have to sign you up for FlowerConnect.¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Well, you are running out of prospects¨C¡± ¡°I¡¯m not that desperate,¡± I said. Bella¡¯s forehead wrinkled as she squinted at me. Ostensibly, it was an app for people who¡¯d gotten rejected after having hanahaki and wanted to rebound date. Actually, it was just another dating site. FlowerConnect had a reputation that was as bad as you¡¯d imagine. At best, you¡¯d find some self-worth by working through your feelings with another person who could empathize. At worst, you¡¯d be chatting with someone particularly ill-suited to providing emotional support, and adding more drama to your life. Having a bunch of sex in the meantime wouldn¡¯t make any of that better, but I was ninety percent sure that the ¡®a bunch of sex¡¯ part was an advertising ploy. ¡°So you¡¯re considering it,¡± said Bella. ¡°It¡¯s a hookup app!¡± ¡°And?¡± she responded. ¡°Didn¡¯t Diana say that ¡®getting some¡¯ could cure you?¡± ¡°Yeah, but that¡¯s too scummy, even for me!¡± Bella was giving me an appraising look. ¡°Anyone you connected with would know what you were there for.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not that kind of person, end of discussion.¡± She looked up at the ceiling, then sighed. ¡°I have an account,¡± said Bella, pulling out her phone. ¡°What?¡± I asked. I felt an immediate and overwhelming compulsion to ask her if she¡¯d slept with anyone she¡¯d met. I stomped on that feeling, hard, not knowing why, except that indicating too much interest in the question would send some sort of message to her and I didn¡¯t know if I wanted to send that message. ¡°What for?¡± I finally asked. ¡°To ask people for advice on overcoming hanahaki,¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s been very helpful.¡± ¡°Have you¡­¡± ¡°Gone on any dates? No. I tell them the truth, that I just want advice, and they chat with me. And if they ask for a date I politely decline and reiterate what I¡¯m after.¡± She leaned back. ¡°I wish you and Anna were on my level.¡± ¡°Oh, shut the heck up,¡± I said. I started laughing. That she hadn¡¯t slept with a stranger was a relief. ¡°Jeeze. You really leave no stone unturned, huh?¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t let my embarrassment get the better of me, no,¡± she said, but she was blushing pretty heavily. ¡°I¡¯m confused. Wouldn¡¯t you have sex with a stranger, if it would cure you? I thought getting cured was the number one priority here.¡± ¡°I know myself well enough to know that¡¯s a bad idea,¡± I said. ¡°Sex means a lot to me. It might actually make me sick, if I fell for whoever it was and they didn¡¯t reciprocate.¡± I¡¯d be lying if I said I hadn¡¯t thought about curing myself with sex, but I also hadn¡¯t said anything to Bella about it. ¡°Have you ever even had sex?¡± she asked, not looking at me. Being honest here would be a challenge, and I tried to meet it. ¡°No, but that doesn¡¯t matter. I know how I feel.¡± I was almost strong enough not to ask the obvious followup, but my will faltered. ¡°Have you?¡± She froze, but then relaxed. ¡°No, but that¡¯s not important, is it?¡± ¡°I was just curious. Anyway, I¡¯m not going to use FlowerConnect.¡± ¡°What if the doctor told you to?¡± ¡°I¡¯d get a new doctor, thank you very much.¡± I picked up our mugs. ¡°Let¡¯s talk about calculus, for now. It¡¯ll be an easier topic!¡± ¡ª ¡°Close the door,¡± said Chloe. She had a serious expression on her face; whatever secret she was about to give to me must have been bad news. I gently closed my office door behind her, then went to sit in my chair. I¡¯d been practically living in this place for a long time. Now that I was only working thirty-two hours a week, it was already starting to feel more alien. I had four potted plants. One had dropped several of its leaves without me noticing. ¡°What is it?¡± I asked. ¡°Graham was just promoted to the consultant position,¡± she said, her gaze locked on mine. I felt my neck tighten. ¡°I thought you¡¯d want to hear it from me, first.¡± I realized that the secret that Chloe wanted to keep was my reaction to that information, rather than the information itself. I was grateful as well as hurt. ¡°Why¡­¡± I said, staring down at my hands. ¡°I thought I was doing good work.¡± ¡°You are, Milo,¡± said Chloe. She sat down in the second chair in my office. ¡°That might be part of the problem. They don¡¯t want you to do anything different. We don¡¯t have another writer as good as you.¡± ¡°Except yourself,¡± I said. She waved a hand. ¡°I¡¯d be more productive as a senior consultant.¡± ¡°Writing isn¡¯t something you can instruct people on,¡± she said. ¡°They have to practice at the very least, and even then they might not have the knack. As a senior you wouldn¡¯t have as much time to instruct.¡± Chloe was right: I enjoyed writing, and even once had aspirations to write fiction. That wasn¡¯t something you could just install in a person. ¡°So I¡¯m being punished for my abilities?¡± ¡°Welcome to the company,¡± she responded, leaning back with her hands behind her head. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Milo.¡± ¡°Me too.¡± ¡°Is there anything I can do?¡± she asked. There wasn¡¯t, but I appreciated her sympathy. ¡°Well, I doubt you can swing the raise that would have come with that position?¡± ¡°No, but maybe I can help you get something close,¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯re making it hard by reducing your hours.¡± ¡°That¡¯s necessary for my health.¡± ¡°I understand. Try not to be surprised when you get the typical raise at the end of the year, though.¡± I sighed. My health really was more valuable than a chance at a better raise, however unfair it was to judge me on only a few months of behavior instead of outcomes I¡¯d provided all year. In my experience, the company would easily come up with a reason to deny a raise, even if there were dozens of reasons I might deserve one. Putting in more hours wouldn¡¯t improve my chances much. On the other hand, the baseline of pay was already very high. I¡¯d be donating less to charity by working less¡­ but my health was necessary in the long run. I had to keep reminding myself of that. ¡°Did my decision to take Fridays off factor into me losing the promotion?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think so. The decision was made a month ago.¡± I had only skipped a few Fridays, but I¡¯d been working twenty hours less per week, on average. ¡°Just before I decided to slow down, then. Just after the customer meeting.¡± I stood up, and walked around to lean on the back of my chair. ¡°They must have been impressed with Graham¡¯s performance.¡± ¡°They were. They think he¡¯ll thrive in the new position; he¡¯ll have the authority he needs when dealing with the customer. He¡¯ll also have the time he needs to adjust before the next big meeting.¡± ¡°Good for him,¡± I said. ¡°Milo,¡± said Chloe. ¡°Another senior position will open up eventually. You shouldn¡¯t be all mopey.¡± ¡°Won¡¯t it be the same story, then?¡± I asked. ¡°Circumstances change,¡± she said. ¡°You should be ready to take advantage of the next opportunity that comes. Also, you¡¯re six years younger than Graham.¡± ¡°I am?¡± I asked. ¡°Yes. His experience was a major factor in the decision.¡± ¡°He doesn¡¯t seem like a guy approaching his thirties. I thought he was¡­ a recent grad, or something!¡± My age. ¡°He puts up a facade,¡± she said. ¡°It works for him, doesn¡¯t it?¡± ¡°I suppose it does. Still. Just being older doesn¡¯t make him more qualified.¡± ¡°Perhaps not,¡± she said. ¡°It is what it is. Also, I looked at that girl¡¯s resume that you gave me.¡± ¡°And?¡± I¡¯d helped Emma rewrite it, with everything I knew about what our company wanted. ¡°We don¡¯t have an open position, but when we do, I¡¯ll give her a call. She seems just the right type for this place.¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad,¡± I said. At least there was a bit of good news. Later, when I congratulated Graham on his promotion, I could tell that he knew I was upset. He didn¡¯t linger on the news, and instead changed the subject to the next customer meeting. He asked me for some advice on how to approach things. A risky move, I¡¯d think, if I were less generous, I might assume he couldn¡¯t handle the position without my advice. However, now that I was paying attention I could tell he didn¡¯t need the advice in the first place. It was just that he just wanted to show me that I was still valuable. He wanted to soften the blow. Graham wasn¡¯t a bad guy. I shouldn¡¯t hate him, for getting something that I¡¯d wanted. I gave him genuine advice that he didn¡¯t need, to show that even though I was jealous I wasn¡¯t his enemy. He understood on both levels. We¡¯d be able to work together. ¡ª I was pretty upset when I went to the soup kitchen that evening. The lights buzzed above, drawing insects, and the sound was like the indignity at the back of my mind. Monotonous, drawing pestilence into a place that should have fed my spirit. When I walked through the door I got right to work peeling potatoes. The possibility of cutting myself forced me to concentrate. It helped me calm down a bit. Doing dishes was the least favorite chore of most volunteers, but potatoes were a close second, so I could feel good about taking that off the others¡¯ hands as well. ¡°What¡¯s up?¡± asked Emma. She¡¯d grabbed a knife and was there to assist me. ¡°You seem, I don¡¯t know, down-trodden.¡± ¡°I lost a promotion I¡¯d wanted,¡± I said as I cut an eye out of a potato. ¡°I¡¯d been working hard for it, and I deserved it, but the company had other ideas.¡± ¡°That really sucks. You can¡¯t ever trust your employer, can you?¡± ¡°An absolute truth,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m not sure I want to work for them, then.¡± ¡°Well, there are other benefits,¡± I said. ¡°Literal, actual benefits¨Chealthcare, 401k, that sort of thing. My word might not carry your resume very far, but the person I gave it to was impressed at least.¡± I tossed the potato I¡¯d been working on into the bin. ¡°It may be a while before we have an open position, sadly.¡± ¡°That¡¯s fine,¡± she said, ¡°For all I complain about my jobs, my life is actually going pretty well.¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry about your health issues,¡± she responded. ¡°It¡¯s fine. I¡¯ve been doing much better, in fact. I didn¡¯t need surgery last time, and the new drugs are easier to deal with.¡± I¡¯d also gone in for a test, and the hanahaki wasn¡¯t returning. They didn¡¯t want to scan my lungs every time, to limit radiation exposure, but there were endoscopes for the purpose instead. ¡°That¡¯s good, but I still wish there was some way I could help.¡± I remembered my conversation with Bella about FlowerConnect, a few weeks before, and felt my face turn red. I hoped Emma didn¡¯t see. ¡°I appreciate it,¡± I said, lamely. ¡°I was thinking we might go on a date?¡± A potato slipped out of my hand and I cut myself. ¡°Ouch!¡± ¡°Oh my gosh!¡± said Emma. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to surprise you! Here, let me get you a bandaid.¡± ¡°You want to date me?¡± I asked. I went to the sink and rinsed my cut. It stung, but I couldn¡¯t focus on it at all. Emma came forward to wrap the wound in a bandaid. ¡°Well, if you want to,¡± she said. ¡°I read an article that people who date are resistant to hanahaki, or something. It¡¯s not a big deal¡­ just thought I¡¯d ask now, before it¡¯s too late.¡± ¡°Too late?¡± ¡°I obviously can¡¯t start dating you after I join your company,¡± she said. I was surprised; Emma had been giving this some thought. Perhaps more importantly, she didn¡¯t seem afraid of the possibility of destroying our friendship. ¡°Good point,¡± I said. ¡°Yes, I think I would like a date.¡± Emma smiled. Her default look was suspicious, or strained, even. It made her smile all the more intense, like a switch being thrown and a hidden room being lit up. ¡°Where do you want to go?¡± I asked. I had some ideas, but Emma had been the one to offer. ¡°Bowling,¡± she said. 55% Part 3 I¡¯m going for a walk. Do you want to join? My father wants help with the house again. Fair enough. Diana¡¯s father was going through some things, and wasn¡¯t strong enough to do all the chores on his own. Even so, I had a knot of tension in my stomach. Diana and I hadn¡¯t been on a walk together for a very long time. The habit was just about broken, and I was sure that was exactly what Diana wanted. On the other hand, I was beginning to enjoy my walks along the river for their own sake. I¡¯d seen the plants rise on the side of the trail, as if in slow motion. There was a sunflower that had grown tall over the end of a steel bridge. Every time I rounded the bridge, its face greeted me from far away, and I tried to guess how tall it had gotten before I crossed the bridge. However, as fall wore on it began to wilt. I was sad about that. Walking gave me time to think. I thought about Emma, and our upcoming date. I thought about telling Bella the news. I also thought that I¡¯d ruined my friendship with Diana, foolishly, and doubly so considering that if I had just kept going to the soup kitchen I¡¯d have gotten a date without trying. I had an impulsive streak, and I¡¯d underestimated how bad it would be, from Diana¡¯s perspective, for me to be someone who wanted to date her. Diana was attractive and uninterested in men in a male-dominated space. She¡¯d be on guard for that. I¡¯d failed to consider her feelings. I probably deserved to be sad. Despite that, things were going right for me. Life wasn¡¯t fair. As I walked, the weather took a turn for the worse; the clouds threatened to become an afternoon storm. Fortunately, I was at the midpoint of my walk and near the gym. I diverted and went there. I was feeling pretty healthy and motivated. I could walk on the treadmill for a bit and the rain would pass. When I went in I saw Diana sprinting on a treadmill. She was facing the other way. Had she already finished helping her father? I suspected something else, and shot her a text How are things going with your dad, by the way? Getting close to having the wall fixed? I¡¯ll probably be here all day. I see. Watching her pick up her phone and make the lie was a surreal experience. I felt a bubbling need to confront her right then and there, like hot steam rising at my center. Why did she lie to me about this? Lightning flashed. Having a fight was a faux pas at the gym, just like asking people out. My car was at the other end of the trail. I turned and left. I needed time to think about my feelings, I half thought, as I marched away in the rain. The more I thought about it, the uglier my feelings became. Diana was a liar. I had liked her for her honesty, hadn¡¯t I? Was she lying to just me, or to herself about her values? I¡¯d been fooled hard, either way. Some part of me couldn¡¯t help but think I¡¯d forced her into this lie. It was my fault, for making things awkward. It was my fault for making her feel unsafe¡­ wasn¡¯t it? As I walked, I started picking up speed. The rain was pelting me, threatening to turn to hail. I should hurry back. That I¡¯d made her feel unsafe was laughable¨CDiana was as strong as me! Stronger even! Except maybe that wasn¡¯t true; we didn¡¯t have direct contests of strength all that often, and I was a man. And even if she was physically stronger, I¡¯d moved myself from the ¡®friend¡¯ category to the ¡®horny gym bro¡¯ category, and the latter definitely wasn¡¯t safe. I hadn¡¯t noticed these categories, because I¡¯d been a fool, thinking only about myself. Just like with Anna, who was only my friend because of a generous misunderstanding. I¡¯d fucked up. It was my fault, for not being someone Diana felt she could share the truth with, or maybe for not knowing enough about her. I started to run. My feet squelched; my shoes were soaked, like the rest of me. It was liberating. If I cried, who could tell? I was gasping for air and it felt great. Maybe Diana actually wanted to remain friends, but she just wanted to train harder while I returned to full strength? Maybe my weakness was holding her back? She hadn¡¯t stopped responding to my texts. Maybe she¡¯d like me more when I could keep up with her. The prospect of working out on my own long enough to be strong enough to impress this hypothetical Diana, for mere friendship, seemed idiotic and overwhelming. Especially since gym bros could not impress her. I had no way of impressing her. I felt like I was getting some wires crossed. Diana was a polite person. She¡¯d respond to texts out of obligation, and perhaps even lie, to keep up her politeness. That was the truth. My breath was coming fast. The humid air made it hard to breathe. I lost myself to running, which is part of why I enjoy the activity and part of why I missed it, even. Running is painful, but only for as long as you remember what you are doing. Once you get in the swing of things it¡¯s natural and liberating. An optimal, predictable amount of pain. I was running down the second to last hill when I slipped and tumbled to the concrete. I scraped my elbows and knees, and face, then came to a stop with the rainy sky above me. I¡¯d knocked my joints and my chest felt like it was on fire. For a moment I was staring at the gray sky. The water stung my scrapes as I huffed and puffed. I was still in pain, but it wasn¡¯t overwhelming. Falling was an unexpected pain that I could handle. The rain stopped. I couldn¡¯t lie there forever. Someone would eventually walk down the trail and notice me, and I didn¡¯t have the energy for answering questions. But for a moment, as my thoughts returned to me, all I could think was that the wide gray sky was beautiful and empty. ¡ª ¡°What happened?¡± asked Bella. She was looking at the bandages I''d applied. Her gaze started at my face and went down to my hands and elbows. I¡¯d used half a bottle of antiseptic. ¡°I got in a fight with a sidewalk,¡± I said. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, I walked all over him.¡± She stared at me. ¡°I fell during my walk. It had been raining, so I slipped.¡± ¡°You must have slipped real bad.¡± She gently took my hand with two bandaged knuckles. ¡°You weren¡¯t, like, in a fight with an actual person first? Here, this¡¯ll help.¡± She rubbed my palm, near where I¡¯d fallen. Her hand was cool and it felt good on my aching fingers. ¡°In a manner of speaking,¡± I said with a sigh. ¡°Diana lied to me about what she was doing, to avoid being near me. I was frustrated so I went for a run instead of a walk. Then I fell when I wasn¡¯t paying attention.¡± ¡°That was a foolish thing to do.¡± She wasn¡¯t calling me a fool, just saying I made a mistake. She squeezed my hand. ¡°Are you okay?¡± ¡°It was foolish,¡± I said, ¡°but I¡¯m okay. Nothing¡¯s broken.¡± ¡°No. I meant mentally.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± I thought about it. ¡°I¡¯m fine. Actually, being injured helps with that a bit.¡± She gave me a quizzical look so I went on. ¡°Sometimes, when I''m struggling, I just want my body to show what I¡¯m going through. I don¡¯t know¡­ having a physical injury is so much more obvious, isn¡¯t it? The way to handle such things is straightforward.¡± I gestured toward the closet, and the medical kit that was still sitting out in front of it. ¡°Having a tangible reason to hurt is a relief, even. People are allowed to be sympathetic to me if I¡¯m obviously injured¡­ I¡¯m allowed to be sympathetic to myself.¡± ¡°I see,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m sympathetic either way, you know.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± She let go of my hand, and I set about making us some tea. She stood with me in the kitchen until it was ready, then we went back to the living room. ¡°I wish people were as nice about hanahaki as cuts and scrapes,¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re one of the only people who really listened to me there, did you know? Everyone else thought they already knew what was going on.¡± She smiled. ¡°I¡¯m glad to help.¡± Then her face fell. ¡°I¡¯m sorry it ended so poorly with Diana.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay.¡± ¡°You really care about her.¡± ¡°I guess.¡± I was mostly concerned with hating myself for my mistakes. I didn¡¯t think for a moment that it was Bella¡¯s fault I had foolishly asked Diana out. The blame for that was solidly my own. ¡°Maybe Diana really is the source of your hanahaki?¡± Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings. I shook my head. ¡°No chance of that. I wasn¡¯t mad at her, even. Just at myself, for making her lie to me.¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t make her do anything.¡± ¡°Well, not directly. But because I¨C¡± ¡°Because you were honest about your emotions, you forced her to lie about hers?¡± Bella was frowning. ¡°I don¡¯t think so, Milo. You were respectful, considerate, and direct. I wish more people were like that.¡± ¡°You have to see it from her perspective, with all the gym bros. Even if I¡¯m not personally a scumbag¨C-¡± ¡°Now you¡¯re making a different mistake,¡± said Bella. ¡°You¡¯re treating Diana like some sort of animal that responds to stimuli, instead of a human being.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know what you mean.¡± ¡°Do you respect Diana?¡± ¡°Of course! Well, maybe less, now that she¡¯s lied to me for no good reason.¡± ¡°Then get mad at her, Milo,¡± said Bella. ¡°She wronged you, and she¡¯s a person who could have chosen not to do that.¡± I stared at Bella, who was mad, but whether it was at me or at Diana I could not tell. Maybe both. I felt the heat rising, again, at my center. ¡°You know what, you¡¯re right! I am mad at Diana.¡± Bella continued to look at me expectantly. ¡°My anger is pretty quiet, just so you know, but it was a shitty thing for her to lie to me instead of just having it out.¡± ¡°What are you going to do?¡± ¡°I¡¯m going to text her, tell her that I caught her lying,¡± I said. ¡°That¡¯s actually a bad idea,¡± said Bella. ¡°What¡¯s the best possible outcome in that case?¡± ¡°... not good... but aren''t I supposed to be direct with people?" "Yes, but," she said, then frowned. She sighed. "Lying is bad, but the issue is that she''s avoiding you. You should approach that issue directly." "Hmmm." I said. I wanted to have a fight with Diana. I imagined sending her a very angry letter. ¡°I¡¯ll probably write a very angry letter¡­ and not send it. Y¡¯know, a practice letter, to get all my emotions out.¡± ¡°Oh, good idea! Some guy on FlowerConnect was recommending that, and that you burn it afterward.¡± ¡°I might literally burn it¡­ no, I¡¯ll probably just hit ¡®delete¡¯. Then¡­ then, I guess I¡¯ll tell her that if she doesn''t want to work out, that¡¯s all she had to say." I set down my cup. "We don¡¯t have to be friends if she doesn¡¯t want to be, so telling her we don''t have to work out might be the end of that.¡± ¡°Do you want to be friends with her?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not sure. Working out with her was pretty motivating. Diana is driven, you know?¡± She was eye candy, too, but that part had definitely been soured for me. I hadn¡¯t realized how much ¡®impressing a woman¡¯ had caused me to strive. It made me feel like I was obligated to correct myself for sexism. ¡°Maybe I should just become friends with some guys who go to the gym, instead." They would be harder on the eyes, but still motivational in some respects. ¡°There you go!¡± said Bella. ¡°Except, I don¡¯t like gym bros, either. They are crazy about working out, which isn¡¯t bad, but then if you don¡¯t work out as hard as them you can¡¯t keep their respect. It¡¯s all about dominance contests.¡± This line of thinking was giving me insights into what went wrong with Diana, I realized. I might have lost her respect when I became ill, no matter how unfair that was to me--she might be a gym bro herself. ¡°So maybe that won¡¯t work.¡± ¡°Why don¡¯t I go with you to the gym, instead?¡± asked Bella. ¡°You?¡± I almost said something really dumb, like ¡®you are the epitome of a nerd, Bella, seeing you in the gym would be like seeing a penguin in the sahara,¡¯ but fortunately I caught myself in time. ¡°Maybe, but I don¡¯t want to waste all your time with my problems.¡± She shrugged. ¡°If I don¡¯t like it, I¡¯ll quit. It¡¯s worth trying at least.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a good attitude to take. You know what, sure. We can go to the gym together.¡± ¡°What if we encounter Diana?¡± ¡°Maybe it will help her feel less threatened by me, or whatever her problem is.¡± I looked down at my phone. I had some unread texts; if I had to guess, they were from Emma. ¡°On the other hand, I¡¯ve got some good news.¡± ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± ¡°Emma asked me out.¡± ¡°Really?¡± asked Bella. ¡°You should have led with that!¡± ¡°You asked about my injuries before I could.¡± ¡°What¡¯d you tell her?¡± ¡°Yes, of course! I didn¡¯t expect it, but I figured I could say yes without any reservations, which is a much better situation than the others.¡± ¡°I see. Well, what are you guys going to do?¡± ¡°Bowling, next week,¡± I said. ¡°That¡¯s wonderful!¡± She lifted her cup and took a long drink. ¡°Good for you!¡± ¡°Thank you,¡± I said. ¡°I guess that means you don¡¯t have to keep tutoring me, then¡­¡± ¡°I¡¯d still like to, if it¡¯s helpful?¡± Teaching Bella had rekindled something in me. I¡¯d missed school more than I realized. ¡°It is, but I don¡¯t want to¨Cto take too much of your time.¡± I laughed. ¡°If I don¡¯t like it, I¡¯ll quit. Sounds good?¡± ¡°Alright then,¡± she said. She tried to sip from her cup, but it was empty. ¡°Whoops.¡± ¡°Here, I''ll take that,¡± I said. When I got to the kitchen I glanced out the window. The dream catcher was soaking wet from the rain. ¡°Actually, I just got a text from Mom,¡± called Bella from the other room. ¡°We should skip this time.¡± ¡°If you¡¯re sure,¡± I called back. ¡°Sorry, gotta go.¡± ¡°Careful in the rain!¡± I shouted as a joke, but my front door was already closing. ¡ª We were in the bowling alley. It was dark and oddly quiet, except for the crashing of balls against pins. There was a backroom for smoking. Walking past that filled my nostrils with the scent of cigarettes, but the smell was quickly overcome by that of hamburger grease and machine oil. Emma was waiting for me. She seemed smoothly calm and happy. The soup kitchen always had this undercurrent of tension and hurry, but here she was relaxed. She was wearing nicer clothes for our date, I was pretty sure; something normal to her, but maybe less worn than her other clothes. Her makeup was very subtle and it was hard to see it in the darkened bowling alley. We started bowling, and I realized immediately that I was severely outclassed. Emma stood up and grabbed her ball while hardly looking at the device that had returned it. She stepped forward and threw it surprisingly gently. It rolled with descending pitch until it crashed into the pins exactly where she wanted. ¡°Another strike,¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re really good at this.¡± ¡°Yah,¡± she said. ¡°I used to be in a league.¡± I asked her some questions about it. She¡¯d been bowling for years, since she was a teenager. Emma was proud of being good at a manly sport in defiance of expectations. ¡°I quit going, though,¡± she said. ¡°Why¡¯s that?¡± ¡°I bowled three hundred. After that, I figured, what was the point of continuing to pay membership dues?¡± ¡°I mean, if it¡¯s fun¡­¡± I said. ¡°Now it¡¯s a special treat. One I reserved for my time with you.¡± ¡°Aw, thank you.¡± I stood up, and lined myself up as best as I could. Emma hadn¡¯t been forthcoming with advice, and unusually, I appreciated it. I could be bad at this thing without being judged. I hit seven of the pins. When Emma next threw she hit only nine, but she picked up the spare. ¡°What do you like about bowling?¡± I asked. She didn¡¯t say anything for a few moments. I realized that Emma was like that. She¡¯d think about something before answering, most of the time. Maybe she¡¯d answered impulsively one too many times and then had put in the work to change her habit. I appreciated it, because most people were on autopilot for such questions; they¡¯d answer with filler. Emma, however, would take the time to be genuine. ¡°I like the delay between cause and effect,¡± she finally said. ¡°Like, I throw the ball, then it¡¯s out of my hands. I like watching it go down the lane, knowing more and more where it¡¯s going to land, but not¡­ not having the ability to change it, anymore.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± This was the opposite of how I felt. Whenever I made a bad throw I was super frustrated, and my frustration only grew as I watched. I had to turn away to make it easier to bear. ¡°You try for something, then you get a little break before the outcome,¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s hard to explain. I just like that moment where I know I did my best, and I can look forward to what happens without knowing exactly how it will turn out. Without having to try, anymore.¡± ¡°I see,¡± I said. I took a moment to throw my own ball again, as I thought about what she said. ¡°I thought you just liked throwing rocks at things.¡± ¡°I mean, that¡¯s fun too.¡± ¡°That¡¯s what I¡¯m enjoying about it so far. Hucking things as hard as possible is cathartic.¡± ¡°You should get a punching bag,¡± she said. ¡°Do you have one?¡± I asked. ¡°Nah, but it seems your style, if you just want to hit things hard.¡± She came over and touched my arm just above my elbow. ¡°Your arms are pretty big. I thought you might be into boxing.¡± ¡°Not as big as they used to be,¡± I said. ¡°I lifted. I don¡¯t think I have the stamina for something like boxing, especially not right now. I¡¯m still recovering from hanahaki.¡± ¡°Fair enough,¡± she said. ¡°I hope bowling isn¡¯t too strenuous.¡± ¡°Nah, it¡¯s just right,¡± I said. ¡°I can sit down between every throw. In fact, we should do this again sometime, and I can pay.¡± Emma had been strangely insistent on not splitting the bill, so I owed her, in my mind. ¡°Are you sure? I¡¯m kicking your ass, you know?¡± ¡°Not maliciously, at least,¡± I said. ¡°Want to play chess or something, so I can have my revenge?¡± ¡°I¡¯m actually good at chess, too,¡± she said. ¡°Kinda.¡± ¡°I¡¯m going to have to test that,¡± I said. Eventually we¡¯d branch out to other activities. We did play chess, but to make it interesting we did it in a mostly-empty movie theater during some comedy movie. I didn¡¯t lose, but it was close; Emma could not be distracted and I could. ¡ª I went in for another examination, and Dr. Dominic pronounced me free of hanahaki. We¡¯d been reducing my dose for weeks, until it had been reduced to nothing. ¡°Your lungs are irritated,¡± he said. ¡°Have you been exercising too hard?¡± ¡°Inadvertently, yes,¡± I said. I¡¯d run in the rain. ¡°Cut that out. Otherwise, you are doing very well. It would appear that reducing your hours did the trick.¡± I felt like he wanted to say ¡®I told you so,¡¯ but it wouldn¡¯t have been fair because it had been hard work to convince him that my disease wasn¡¯t just normal hanahaki. Perhaps he knew that, or perhaps it was just professional decorum that kept him from saying something. I hadn¡¯t mentioned my dates with Emma. ¡°I am,¡± I said. ¡°I wish It was easier to breathe, though.¡± ¡°That is common after an extended bout with hanahaki,¡± he said. The sentiment irritated me. I¡¯d heard it a dozen places, and now I was living it every day--people kept telling me that it was okay and expected for me to be weak, but I did not want to be weak. ¡°I¡¯m going to ramp back up my exercise,¡± I said. ¡°Starting the week after next.¡± ¡°That is wise,if you don''t overdo it.¡± ¡°I won¡¯t.¡± ¡°I also want to follow up again in six months,¡± he said. ¡°Stress has a way of sneaking up on us, and your hanahaki was atypical. Schedule the appointment before you leave.¡± ¡°I will.¡± It was a good thing I did. 40% Part 1 Emma and I were at the bowling alley again. It was her favorite form of exercise. I¡¯d invited her to the gym, but she¡¯d demurred. Gym memberships cost money and the obligation to get her money¡¯s worth would be frustrating to her. Bowling was ad-hoc, which better served her schedule. It also cost money, but I was glad to pay for it. I wasn¡¯t as good as Emma at bowling, but I was growing to like it. I tried to throw the ball as fast as possible every time. This earned me some reprimands from my date. ¡°It¡¯s not about power,¡± said Emma. ¡°It¡¯s about finesse and consistency.¡± ¡°I bowl my own way,¡± I responded. ¡°My own way is maximum intensity.¡± ¡°Your own way will make you lose,¡± she said. Emma took her ball, a lighter one, and threw it straight down the lane. ¡°Don¡¯t most professional bowlers curve the ball?¡± I said, turning my head so she¡¯d recognize the teasing challenge for what it was. We liked to sass each other. ¡°I¡¯m a straight shooter, what can I say,¡± she responded. ¡°Fortunate for you, or you¡¯d still have hanahaki.¡± ¡°Pardon me?¡± ¡°Well, it¡¯s obvious you were crushing on me, and I cured you,¡± said Emma. She gave me a short kiss. It still caught me off guard; I hadn¡¯t gotten used to physical intimacy yet. ¡°You¡¯re welcome.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not what happened at all,¡± I said. ¡°I was most of the way cured, when you asked me out.¡± ¡°Oh come on,¡± she said. ¡°Don¡¯t you like a romantic story?¡± ¡°I like the truth even better,¡± I said. I saw her face fall, and suddenly wanted to put my head in the ball return. I realized how mean I was being. ¡°Thank you for asking me out. We wouldn¡¯t be here if it weren¡¯t for you.¡± ¡°You¡¯re welcome,¡± she said again. I could tell her mood was soured. That had happened a few times; I was really good at putting my foot in my mouth. ¡®The truth can¡¯t hurt you; you are already living it¡¯ was the mantra I lived by¡­ but truth or falsehood wasn¡¯t the issue, here. It was about building a history with each other. I found myself thinking about what Bella had said¨Cabout how I needed to respect others, and not treat them like mechanisms. I shouldn¡¯t just assume Emma was doing some sort of status thing, like building a picture-perfect history, as though I could see her emotional needs and walk above them. If nothing else, I was also a player in the same game. I decided to voice my thoughts about building a history together to Emma and see what she¡¯d say. ¡°Do you want to tell others that you cured me, from now on? It does make a good story, and it will show people how close we are.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not true, though,¡± she said with a neutral tone. ¡°No, but it¡¯s true in a metaphorical way.¡± I put an arm around her shoulder, and started talking about how dating her had reduced my stress, which was an integral part of getting better. That seemed to improve her mood. ¡ª Bella and I finally started working out together. It involved going to the gym once or twice a week, and a walk otherwise. For a few weeks it had seemed like Bella was avoiding me, and I felt my mood descend. I had prepared to let her walk out of my life, just like Diana did. Except, I was still friends and neighbors with her parents. I ran into Mr. Brookes one day when I got home from work. ¡°Milo,¡± he said. ¡°What¡¯s new?¡± ¡°Surprisingly, a lot,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ve got a girlfriend.¡± ¡°That¡¯s great news!¡± he said. He walked over, and switched the hand that was holding his mail just to pat me on the back. ¡°Finally figured out your hanahaki, then?¡± I thought about correcting him, and decided I wouldn¡¯t bother because it would just sound like I was making excuses. ¡°I did,¡± I said. ¡°Her name¡¯s Emma. We¡¯ve been spending a lot of time together, as you might imagine.¡± ¡°I can tell, you¡¯ve been very busy.¡± That wasn¡¯t strictly true, with my reduced hours. ¡°If you get a chance, we should have a little cookout. Maybe you can invite the young lady.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a great idea,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ll text her and see what she says.¡± Mr. Brookes and I made some plans to meet for lunch that weekend, right before the time I was supposed to tutor Bella. Emma declined the invitation; she had work. I was honestly a little relieved. I hadn¡¯t yet met Emma¡¯s mom, since our relationship was so new, and introducing her to the Brookes felt like it might be going too fast. Emma sure was busy. That was part of why it was so difficult to get her to go to the gym with me. The cookout was nice. The Brookes asked some polite questions about Emma, but we mostly talked about other things. My fight against hanahaki came up, so I decided to elaborate. ¡°Reducing my hours is what really did it,¡± I said. ¡°Stress was making my immune system weak.¡± ¡°Are you sure it wasn¡¯t that you started dating?¡± said Mrs. Brookes. ¡°That can be stress reducing, I¡¯ve heard.¡± Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings. ¡°You haven¡¯t dated anyone for thirty years,¡± said her husband. ¡°Right?¡± I laughed. ¡°It didn¡¯t hinder things, that¡¯s for sure.¡± I glanced at Bella, who was studying her sandwich. I wanted to say something about how Bella had helped me avoid ruining all my chances with women, but that was too complicated for even a long meal. ¡°Now I¡¯ve just got to start exercising again, before I fall into some sort of spiral.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t you walk the river?¡± asked Mrs. Brookes. ¡°I saw you out there the other day.¡± There were a lot of businesses near the riverside; Mrs. Brookes had probably been visiting the grocery store. ¡°Yeah¡­ that''s pretty boring, though. I¡¯ve got to start lifting again. I¡¯ve lost a ton of strength, so I¡¯ve gotta get back some gains.¡± I flexed my bicep, getting a chuckle. ¡°I have to come up with some way to remain motivated now that my exercise partner has backed out.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to,¡± said Bella. ¡°Muscle mass is overrated.¡± ¡°Oh, it¡¯s not about mass,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s about longevity. I was reading a study about how every minute weightlifting extends your lifespan by more than a minute¡± ¡°That probably only applies to old people,¡± she responded. She was right that the study had featured old people; longevity studies are harder to do on young people. ¡°I¡¯ll be old eventually. I¡¯ve got to set the habits now.¡± ¡°You¡¯ve got tons of time,¡± said Mrs. Brookes. ¡°You should have fun now, while your health comes for free.¡± ¡°Nobody gets a guarantee of old age,¡± added Mr. Brookes. He said it casually¨Clightly, even. However, before I had met them, they had lost their son in a car accident. I knew he¡¯d be thinking about that, and the fact that he kept the pain from his face was impressive to me. ¡°I won¡¯t forget that,¡± I said, nodding solemnly. The Brookes had supported me in innumerable ways; commending me for my charity, reassuring me of my worth when I dropped out. They also came to visit me when I got sick. Mr. Brookes just wanted me to get the most possible out of my life, and I shared the attitude. Lunch was about done, so I helped them clean up. I gave a wave as I turned to walk back to my house. Bella followed me there. ¡°You were going to tutor me, right?¡± ¡°Yes,¡± I said. ¡°I wasn¡¯t sure if you wanted that, so I figured I¡¯d leave it up to you.¡± Secretly I was elated¨CI had thought she would miss it again, continuing the pattern. Bella was smart and motivated. Teaching her calculus made me feel useful¨Cand unlike my coworkers, she was enthusiastic about every lesson. When she¡¯d stopped showing up I¡¯d been very put out. I¡¯d even gone so far as to join a student emailing group and offer my services as a tutor, but I didn¡¯t expect it to be as rewarding (even though I¡¯d mentioned my usual rate). Regression to the mean meant that a random college student was unlikely to match Bella¡¯s smarts and striving. ¡°It¡¯s a nice day,¡± she said. ¡°Why don¡¯t we go for a walk, first?¡± ¡°That¡¯s a good idea,¡± I said. I glanced at her. ¡°I owe you exercise for the tutoring,¡± she added. ¡°Sorry I haven¡¯t been going.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t owe me anything.¡± ¡°You brought up that I¡¯d backed out,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯d meant Diana,¡± I replied, ¡°So please, don¡¯t feel obligated.¡± ¡°No,¡± she said. ¡°I want to.¡± Bella and I went for a walk, and at first I thought that we didn¡¯t have anything to talk about. But then, she started telling me about how her classes were going, and it was just like old times. ¡ª I took Emma to a theme park. She¡¯d objected at first, because of the cost, but I¡¯d joked that it was a health expense and she¡¯d relented. I¡¯d decided to spend my money a little more freely, and a date made it so much easier to overcome my bias against spending money. Emma kept touching me more and more, so I experimented with touching her back. Our shoulders rubbed on the theme park rides. I think she was leaning into me, so on the rollercoaster I took her hand. Her hands were warm. We went to get some overpriced snacks. When our number was called she jumped up, which was good because I was feeling a bit worn out from all the walking. When she got back, she shocked me by sitting in my lap. ¡°Whoops, forgot where my seat was,¡± she said. She didn¡¯t move. ¡°I know where it is,¡± I said. I leaned forward to put my arm under her legs, then I scooped her up. I¡¯d intended to surprise and impress her, but I felt my chest tighten. Was Emma heavier than she looked? Fortunately, Emma laughed and didn¡¯t notice that I struggled. I set her down gently in the seat next to mine. ¡°There. Let me know if you get lost again.¡± ¡°It could happen any time,¡± she said. ¡°Do you have practice picking up chicks, or something?¡± ¡°More than you¡¯d think. For example, I¡¯ve done it exactly once.¡± She laughed. A few minutes later, on the teacup ride, she made a motion to sit on me again. I¡¯d braced myself, but then she landed next to me instead. Emma leaned in for a kiss. ¡°You¡¯re so easy to fluster,¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯ve never really been in a relationship, huh?¡± ¡°Not really,¡± I replied. ¡°There¡¯s a lot I have to learn.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll teach you,¡± she said. ¡°I owe you after you paid for all the dates.¡± That made me think of Bella, who wanted to be so transactional. She¡¯d been acting weird; spending time with me, but far cooler than before. Like she had something else on her mind. ¡°What are you thinking about?¡± asked Emma. ¡°Oh,¡± I said. ¡°My neighbor, actually.¡± ¡°What about them?¡± The thought of explaining Bella to Emma sounded abhorrent to me. I didn¡¯t have the energy to tell that story. ¡°Just that I still owe them for a favor they did for me.¡± ¡°You take your obligations seriously,¡± she said. "I like that." ¡°Thank you.¡± ¡ª I ran out of ideas for dates, so I invited Emma over to play videogames. She didn¡¯t have a very powerful computer. I let her borrow my old one. We didn¡¯t end up playing videogames that evening anyway: just watching a movie and making out. I was in unfamiliar territory, but Emma seemed really very willing to help me navigate it. ¡°You take things slow,¡± said Emma, breathlessly. ¡°Better that way,¡± I responded. I was also breathing hard. I hadn¡¯t expected such a workout from mere kissing. ¡°I¡¯m not fragile, you know,¡± she said. ¡°You can be more aggressive with me.¡± ¡°Maybe I¡¯m fragile,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m still recovering from hanahaki.¡± ¡°It¡¯s been months.¡± She kissed me again, and I tried to be enthusiastic, but I was exhausted. I had gone to work and the soup kitchen that day already. ¡°It¡¯s late¡­ maybe we should call it here?¡± I finally said. A pained look shot over her face, but it softened when she looked at me. ¡°Hanahaki is awful,¡± she said. Emma stretched her arms before getting to her feet. ¡°Alright, mister. I hope you appreciate how patient I am.¡± ¡°I do,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ll recover as fast as possible.¡± ¡°Good,¡± she said, warmly. ¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯ll find it rewarding.¡± 40% Part 2 Bella and I went for another walk along the riverside. The winter air turned our breath to steam. Thermoregulation outside during the winter was tricky, but as long as you were walking you could wrap yourself up and control your pace to keep warm. I¡¯d taken to wrapping my mouth in a scarf, to keep my lungs from getting irritated. It also helped keep me warm. Bella was talking about her first round of finals, and how they had been far easier than she¡¯d expected. ¡°I feel like I sprinted to catch a bus that was still a few stops away.¡± ¡°It gets harder,¡± I said. ¡°They want you to be committed before they give you difficult challenges.¡± ¡°I hope you¡¯ll help me then, too.¡± We walked up a slope, and I started to huff and puff. ¡°I need to start on the treadmill again,¡± I said. ¡°My stamina is garbage.¡± ¡°You should only do that if you think you are ready,¡± she said. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t mind going to the gym instead, though.¡± Bella had been with me to the gym a few times by then. Fortunately, none of the gym bros had approached her. I knew that the vast majority of gym-goers were polite and only self-interested, but for those rare few who weren¡¯t, I was glad to be there with Bella. My presence seemed to mark her as off-limits. ¡°People probably think we are dating,¡± I said. ¡°Or maybe that you¡¯re my kid sister.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think I care what other people think,¡± said Bella. ¡°You have to admit it¡¯s useful, though. Keeps fools from asking you out.¡± Fools like I had been with Diana. ¡°Perhaps. Do you suppose Diana had wanted you around for that purpose?¡± Sometimes it was like she could read my mind. ¡°To ward off others? I hadn¡¯t thought of that.¡± I kicked a piece of gravel on the trail. ¡°I never saw her with a guy before, or since for that matter.¡± I hadn¡¯t seen Diana since she¡¯d lied to me. She had acknowledged my text saying we didn¡¯t have to work out together, then ghosted me. I was ninety percent confident that she had switched gyms. ¡°I¡¯m sorry she¡¯s no longer your friend,¡± said Bella. ¡°It¡¯s fine. I shouldn¡¯t be afraid of things like that. Also, I¡¯ve got a much better exercise partner now.¡± Bella gave a small smile. ¡°Thank you.¡± She poked my shoulder. ¡°Now that you¡¯re dating someone, I¡¯m glad I can repay you for the tutoring in some other way.¡± ¡°I keep telling you that you don¡¯t have to repay me. I would tutor you for free.¡± I sometimes thought our tutoring sessions were more review for me, than Bella. I found that I missed classes and lessons. I was even considering returning to school, although I had a year and a half before Bella caught up to where I had been. ¡°I¡¯d probably work out for free, too,¡± she said. ¡°I enjoy it a lot more than I thought I would.¡± ¡°Being told that exercise is good for mental health, and experiencing it, are completely different things.¡± ¡°I¡¯m afraid that I¡¯m not as good an influence as Diana was, though.¡± She was referring to my ongoing weakness. ¡°Hanahaki put me through the wringer,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s definitely not your fault.¡± I lifted twice a week, once again, but it wasn¡¯t making me stronger very quickly. At least I could still jog for a little bit, which had kept me from getting fat. ¡°I never knew how terrible hanahaki was, until I helped you deal with it,¡± said Bella. ¡°It isn¡¯t, for most people,¡± I said. ¡°Although almost everybody goes around with reduced lung capacity. It might be hurting humanity in ways we don¡¯t understand.¡± ¡°Perhaps,¡± she said. ¡°Don¡¯t you have another appointment coming up?¡± ¡°I do,¡± I said. ¡°I was thinking of canceling it. This is the easiest my life has ever been, so there¡¯s no way stress is making me sick.¡± ¡°You should go,¡± said Bella. ¡°It took months and months for you to notice, the first time. Also, aren¡¯t you still feeling off?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll have to meet my deductible, again,¡± I said. I had less money than before. ¡°I think it¡¯s worth it.¡± ¡°Then I will. You know what, you could tell me to walk into the river and I¡¯d probably do it.¡± Bella looked taken aback. ¡°What are you even saying?¡± ¡°Following your advice has only made my life better. It¡¯s a refreshing change of pace.¡± I smiled at her, then realized she couldn¡¯t see it through my scarf. I pulled it down. ¡°Thank you,¡± said Bella, smiling back. She¡¯d been down recently, so seeing her smile made me happy. She turned and continued to walk, and her expression changed. ¡°Is that person running toward us?¡± A woman with blond hair was approaching like a loosed arrow. I recognized her as she got closer. ¡°It¡¯s Emma!¡± I said. I began to wave. ¡°Looks like you¡¯ll finally get to meet her.¡± Bella didn¡¯t seem excited at the prospect. Emma ran up to us. ¡°Milo,¡± she said. ¡°Is that you?¡± ¡°Oh, yeah,¡± I said as I pulled off the scarf entirely. ¡°Sorry about that.¡± ¡°Who¡¯s this?¡± ¡°My neighbor Bella,¡± I said. ¡°Bella, this is Emma.¡± Bella stuck out her hand, and Emma reluctantly shook it. ¡°What are you two doing out here?¡± I felt my face reddening. Emma was probably having a misunderstanding, and correcting it would be super awkward. ¡°A walk along the riverside. Bella is helping me stick to my exercise routine.¡± I had to indicate that nothing was amiss, as soon as possible¨Cand the first step would be making sure Emma didn¡¯t feel excluded. ¡°Why don¡¯t you join us? Were you busy?¡± Emma blinked. ¡°I was stopping by the store¡­ but that sounds good.¡± She fell into step as we resumed our walk. Emma was on my right and Bella was on my left. They were similar in height, but made an intense contrast with each other. Emma was bright and Bella was dark, in multiple senses. I felt both of them looking past me, at each other, and it made me want to be somewhere else. ¡°Milo has told me so many good things about you,¡± said Bella. ¡°Funny, he hasn¡¯t mentioned you,¡± said Emma. I felt my jaw tighten at the oversight. Neither of them would be happy with me. ¡°How do you know each other, anyway?¡± I explained that Bella was my neighbor, and I¡¯d become friends with her after helping her parents. ¡°The Brookes?¡± asked Emma. ¡°Just so.¡± ¡°Ah, and this is their daughter. The one you¡¯re tutoring in calculus.¡± She looked toward Bella again, and I finally backed up enough so they¡¯d be next to each other. ¡°I thought you were a kid.¡± ¡°I¡¯m in college.¡± Bella frowned, glancing back at me. I wisely didn¡¯t point out that this meant I had mentioned her, technically. ¡°A young college student. I see. So, you¡¯ve known Milo for a while?¡± ¡°About four years,¡± said Bella. While that was true, we¡¯d become much closer in the last year, as she¡¯d helped me fight my illness. ¡°Longtime friends.¡± ¡°That¡¯s right, he¡¯s a good friend. He told me that you both volunteer?¡± Bella knew this well enough to not have to ask about it; she was giving Emma a chance to elaborate on how she knew me. It was a nice thing to do, to put the conversational ball in Emma¡¯s court. It might even have been an attempt to de-escalate. Emma wasn¡¯t having it. Her jaw was tight in anger. ¡°That¡¯s right. We¡¯ve been volunteering together for a while. I¡¯m sure you¡¯ve noticed how concerned Milo is with charity.¡± ¡°I have. It¡¯s admirable.¡± ¡°He gives things away way too often¡­ like tutoring.¡± I wasn¡¯t sure what Emma was trying to communicate, but her tone was frostier than the air. My chest had started to hurt, so I covered my mouth with the scarf again. ¡°He is very nice, yes,¡± said Bella. ¡°How¡¯d you end up dating?¡± If that was a jab, it was far subtler; I couldn¡¯t detect any venom in Bella¡¯s voice. Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. ¡°You may not know, but Milo was sick with hanahaki last year.¡± ¡°I knew that much,¡± said Bella. ¡°It was pretty bad, wasn¡¯t it? My parents visited him in the hospital, although I couldn''t make it.¡± ¡°Well, I helped him get better,¡± said Emma. I saw Bella¡¯s face contort. ¡°He was ill for you, then?¡± ¡°Well¨Ceven if he wasn¡¯t, I¡¯m here for him now. I asked him out.¡± ¡°That¡¯s odd, Milo is normally so direct about his goals.¡± Bella put a finger to her chin. ¡°You¡¯d think he¡¯d have made the first move, to cure his sickness. Tell me, did he seem enthusiastic to start dating you?¡± This was getting out of hand. I didn¡¯t know how to go about disentangling it in the slightest, but every moment I remained silent made this worse. ¡°Well, I¡¯m feeling a bit tired, so perhaps¨C¡± I said. ¡°Milo tries not to inconvenience others,¡± Emma interjected. ¡°He should be a role model to you.¡± ¡°He is, as a matter of fact,¡± said Bella. ¡°I know a lot about how he does things. I know, for example, that his hanahaki was entirely stress-induced, and that what he needs most right now is to avoid stress. So why are you acting this way?¡± ¡°I found my boyfriend having a romantic walk with a strange woman,¡± responded Emma. ¡°A strange girl, rather. How should I react?¡± ¡°You should try to understand the situation before you come barging in. Are you stupid, or something?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not the one who needs a tutor.¡± ¡°Milo told me that you were impulsive, but he understated it.¡± I didn¡¯t recall saying anything of the sort to Bella. ¡°He didn¡¯t speak of you at all, except as the neighbor¡¯s kid,¡± said Emma. ¡°Seems like an overstatement.¡± ¡°Could you two stop¨C¡± I said, but this time it was Bella who talked over me. ¡°Could it be that you saw an opportunity and took it, irrespective of what would be good for Milo? I think you asked him out without knowing anything about him. Which, fine, but not the best for him, is it?¡± ¡°I knew I wanted to help him get better,¡± said Emma. ¡°That¡¯s all I needed to know. I care about him.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think you do,¡± Bella said, biting out every word. ¡°Bella,¡± I said, and she looked at me with a naked hurt that almost stopped me in my place. ¡°I¡¯ll be going. I wouldn¡¯t want to get in the way of anything.¡± Bella walked ahead at speed. I wanted to chase after her, but Emma grabbed my hand. ¡°Let her go,¡± said Emma. ¡°She¡¯s obviously out of sorts.¡± I reluctantly matched Emma¡¯s pace as Bella disappeared. We walked in silence for a few moments. ¡°It¡¯s really cold today,¡± said Emma. ¡°Not a very good day for a walk, at all. We should¨C¡± ¡°Why were you so rude to her?¡± I asked. Emma sighed, and the sigh turned to a growl as her anger came out. ¡°I was rude? To some girl hanging out with my boyfriend?¡± ¡°Yes, you were.¡± I pulled my hand out of Emma¡¯s. ¡°She had a point, you know. Instead of making all sorts of assumptions, you could have just come to talk to us.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t seriously be taking her side in this.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not about sides, it¡¯s about the right way to approach things.¡± ¡°Walking around with strange women isn¡¯t the right way,¡± said Emma, with anger dripping from her voice. ¡°Not telling me about other girls is definitely not the right way.¡± ¡°Are you listening to yourself?¡± I asked, ignoring the point she had. ¡°I have a good friend, who happens to be a woman. What¡¯s the problem?¡± ¡°I saw you two before I realized it was you,¡° said Emma. ¡°I could see you walking and talking. You aren¡¯t acting like friends.¡± She stopped, forcing me to stop and look back at her. ¡°Actually, we¡¯re going to deal with this right here and now.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°Is this why you¡¯re so hesitant with me? So unaffectionate?¡± Emma¡¯s voice was getting louder. ¡°I thought you were a gentleman¡­ but what you are, is what, pining for someone else?¡± ¡°Look, Emma, it¡¯s¡­¡± I didn¡¯t know what it was. Emma was attractive¨Cit was undeniable. My breath got faster whenever she touched me. Kissing her had been exciting and unfamiliar, a whole aspect of human experience I¡¯d never had the time to seek out. And yet, more often than not it left me feeling hollow. I didn¡¯t want to be physically intimate with Emma. I wanted to volunteer with her, or get better at bowling, or go to the gym. I wanted to have some aspect of growth, to counter all the setbacks I¡¯d experienced after getting sick. But it wasn¡¯t like I was attracted to Bella any more than that. I¡¯d seen Bella at the gym, in her workout clothes. She was pretty too, but not¨C ¡°Me, or Bella,¡± responded Emma. ¡°Which do you choose?¡± ¡°What? ¡± ¡°It all just comes down to that,¡± she said. ¡°You can only have one girlfriend, Milo.¡± ¡°I only have one girlfriend,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s you.¡± ¡°Good. So you won¡¯t spend any more time with Bella, then?¡± Her voice was warbling, whiplash from her earlier rage. ¡°You can¡¯t be serious,¡± I said. Emma had started to cry. It made my blood pressure rise; Anna had done this, before walking all over me. ¡°I shouldn¡¯t have to choose! I can have both a girlfriend and a girl who¡¯s a friend!¡± ¡°I really was trying to help you get better,¡± she said. ¡°What Bella said was very hurtful.¡± I shook my head. ¡°You both were awful to each other.¡± ¡°Us both?¡± shouted Emma, eyes wide. ¡°I told her about you, it¡¯s true,¡± I said. ¡°She was rooting for us, Emma. She told me to ask you out. I was the one who hesitated.¡± ¡°Why?¡± she asked, her voice going cold. ¡°I wasn¡¯t sure if I wanted to date you¨Cor just to get better! Which wouldn¡¯t have been fair to you!¡± ¡°Well? Do you want to date me, or not?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± I said. ¡°Then let go of Bella.¡± ¡°No.¡± Emma¡¯s face contorted. ¡°Emma¨C¡± ¡°Fine.¡± She turned and left. I tried to keep up with her, and couldn¡¯t; she started to run. I was alone. My scarf was wet and restrictive; I couldn¡¯t breathe. But when I removed it, the air outside made my lungs ache. I didn¡¯t feel like I could breathe that air, either. Neither Bella nor Emma responded to my texts. I had no doubt whose fault it was. ¡ª I kept expecting one of them to respond, or to reach out. Emma broke the silence first. In a long text, she explained that she¡¯d just wanted to be a hero, like I was, and that she¡¯d thought I needed someone to date to overcome my sickness. She now realized that it was selfish of her to try to play the hero irrespective of my feelings. She¡¯d rushed into a relationship with me. She wanted time to think about what she really needed. Emma dumped me via that text. I thought about sending the news to Bella, who still hadn¡¯t responded to me. I decided it wasn¡¯t worth the effort; she had excused herself from my drama. I¡¯ll admit I was mad at her, but I didn¡¯t really want to fight. What I¡¯d learned was sometimes it was better just to let things go. I had somehow lost both of them, except, I knew circumstances would bring us back into each other¡¯s presence. I lived next to Bella; she couldn¡¯t avoid me forever. As for Emma, well, I still volunteered. The next Monday I went back into the soup kitchen. I¡¯d expected at least a painful conversation, but Emma wasn¡¯t there. Boris frowned at me as he unloaded big cotton bags full of donated food. ¡°Emma has asked me to schedule her, only days you are not here,¡± he said. Boris was probably mad at me too, if I¡¯d offended his favorite regular. I frowned back at him. ¡°She¡¯s still taking some of the leftovers with her, right?¡± ¡°It is true.¡± ¡°Well, I suppose that settles it.¡± Emma was at the soup kitchen six days a week, and I was only there for two or three. When you considered it from that perspective, the utilitarian one, it was a no-brainer. Emma was more valuable than me and got more value than me as well. Also, I needed to capitulate in some way to show I recognized that this was my fault. ¡°I think you should schedule her as much as she wants.¡± ¡°That is every day, or close.¡± ¡°So be it,¡± I said. ¡°Milo,¡± he said, his voice serious. ¡°Coming here makes you happy, yes?¡± ¡°Probably not as happy as it makes her.¡± ¡°You need happiness.¡± ¡°I can find other ways of being happy,¡± I said. ¡°And you have my number. If a slot ends up free, give me a call, I¡¯ll probably come in.¡± ¡°Emma is doing it for food, not for anyone else.¡± Even if that were true, it didn¡¯t mean she was contemptible or something. Also, I¡¯d been helping others a lot less than before as far as donations were concerned. I wouldn¡¯t be the pot that called the kettle black. ¡°The food is why we are here, though,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s fine if that¡¯s why she does it. Doing it to be happy isn¡¯t as valid a reason as doing it to survive, right?¡± ¡°I would give food to her, and you keep volunteering, as well.¡± He hefted another bag into the back. ¡°She could come in and get it, and just go home.¡± ¡°Would she take it if she had to come get it from me?¡± ¡°I do not know,¡± he said. ¡°Maybe not.¡± ¡°There you are,¡± I said. ¡°Thank you, Boris. You do good work here. I¡¯ll help however I can, even if that¡¯s by stepping back.¡± ¡°You are trying to leave,¡± he said. ¡°Why?¡± I swallowed. Why was I pushing so hard to quit going to the soup kitchen? I looked around. The walls were greasy and unkempt. The stacks of canned goods, the sacks of rice; they were all about to expire, or expired already. They were heavy. The tables would soon be full of downtrodden people. I¡¯d have to stand all night to serve them. They were people who were having a rough time and needed help. People who relied on generosity to survive. People that could be exhausting, when I thought about it, and I was already exhausted. I wanted to help them... but I wasn¡¯t sure I had it in me anymore. ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± I finally said. I knew, I just couldn''t admit it to myself: I didn¡¯t have the energy for volunteering. ¡°You are a good kid, Milo. You will do good anywhere. Be happy, anywhere.¡± He clapped my back once. ¡°Come back, when you want?¡± ¡°I will,¡± I said. Economists talk about revealed preferences. People will say all kinds of things, but when they spend their money¨Cor other resources, like time and energy¨Cyou can tell what they really want. I found, in the weeks after my breakup with Emma, that I¡¯d rather go to the gym than the soup kitchen. It probably revealed ugly things about me, but I had decided that my health was my first priority. I did feel a bit lonely, though. When I was at the gym I kept hoping that Bella would choose to go there and that I¡¯d run into her. I never did go back to the soup kitchen. 40% Part 3 I was sitting on my couch, sprawled out, staring at the ceiling. I was doing absolutely nothing. I want to say it felt great, but it didn¡¯t feel like much of anything at all. I could have gone into work, or perhaps reviewed some material for Bella¡¯s calculus class. I could have cleaned my house a day early, or done some maintenance. I could play a new game, or try a new recipe. There was no end of things to try. I stood to get a glass of water. Dehydration and depression can look eerily similar. That is what I told myself; and sometimes drinking water would make me feel better. Outside, the winter wind was blowing. It made the dreamcatcher spin crazily. During a lull, I saw that the weather and the wind were causing the colors to fade from its feathers. A windchime was meant to be outside; a dreamcatcher was meant to hang over your bed. I didn¡¯t have the energy to drag a chair out there and take it down. I''d do it later, when it was warmer. I swallowed. If I left it, it would fray and be destroyed¨Cso I forced myself to grab one of my chairs and go outside. The wind howled, like it wanted to yank the dream catcher from my hands and carry it away to someone more worthy. It was damaged, but far from destroyed. I smiled as I carried it in. Sometimes it was better to just take care of a short chore immediately, than delay for the perfect time¨Cmy rule was that if it took less than five minutes, I¡¯d do it as soon as I noticed it needed to be done. I brought the dreamcatcher in, and hung it on a tack in my room. ¡°There,¡± I said to myself. ¡°Now you¡¯ll be safe.¡± It was far from any windows or wind. I ended up taking a nap right after I had brought it in. I woke up to a text from Bella, apologizing for our fight. The relief was immense. But then, she said that she wanted to take a break from working out together. It was like going through a breakup twice in a row. I wondered if she was trying to give me and Emma some space. I let her know that Emma and I had broken up, but she didn¡¯t say anything about wanting to spend more time together. ¡ª On the day of my doctor¡¯s appointment, Chloe called me into the office. I was afraid that she was going to ask about my sour mood. I¡¯d been irritated: Bella was still avoiding me, and I felt so weak all the time. I was going to bring it up to my doctor. However, Chloe had things to say to me that were far worse than a commentary on my mood. ¡°Milo, I¡¯m so sorry about this,¡± said Chloe. ¡°I argued with them, but they wouldn¡¯t listen.¡± She spread some papers out in front of me. On the top was written ¡°Performance Improvement Plan.¡± I recognized this; these were magic words the company uttered when it was preparing to fire someone. Chloe looked remorseful, as though she was already telling me that I¡¯d be let go. She was telling me that I¡¯d be let go. By the time you got a performance improvement plan, it was just a formality with a three month delay. ¡°Why¡­¡± I asked. ¡°Do you want the real reason, or the official reason?¡± she asked. ¡°With the understanding that the real reason doesn¡¯t leave this room.¡± ¡°Real. Of course.¡± I could see the official reason on the documents; I hadn¡¯t been meeting performance quotas. They called them quotas to make them seem definitive, but quotas were made on a department basis and were amorphous as hell. What it really meant, was that someone higher up had attributed less of our sales to me than I deserved. ¡°The real reason is that you aren¡¯t in the office as much as you used to be,¡± said Chloe. ¡®Well, of course not,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯ve been working regular hours, and taking an occasional day off to prevent a recurrence of my illness.¡± ¡°Two weeks out of three, you take a day off. Sometimes two.¡± ¡°I suppose.¡± ¡°You can see how that looks bad, right? You are working much less than before.¡± My overtime had been intense; she was probably right. ¡°I¡¯m about three-quarters as productive as I was, though.¡± Sitting in an office didn¡¯t make emails arrive any faster. ¡°That¡¯s pretty impressive, when you consider it.¡± ¡°Your absence is significant, and it seems to be worsening over time.¡± ¡°My time here is so much more efficient, though.¡± ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter. The perception is that you are lazy.¡± ¡°I never took any time off for the first three years, I¡¯ve earned a bit of a break. And we do have unlimited time off?¡± I thought about it for a second. ¡°It¡¯s like I¡¯ve been taking a two week vacation once a year, except instead I took it one day a week for five months.¡± She shook her head. ¡°It¡¯s easier to plan around contiguous time off.¡± ¡°We don¡¯t have to plan around a four day week, at all.¡± I had to correct myself. ¡°Once it¡¯s a habit, there¡¯s no changing of plans, I mean.¡± I felt heat underneath my collar. I was getting angry, and embarrassed. Anger was less painful than shame. ¡°I worked my ass off, Chloe, to make the customer meeting go well.¡± ¡°You did, but that was months ago, and this is now. I¡¯m sorry, Milo. You could follow the performance improvement plan, but your reputation here has been damaged.¡± She gathered the papers and set them in front of me. ¡°I did what I could to ameliorate it, but it wasn¡¯t enough.¡± I stared at her. She wouldn¡¯t meet my eyes. Something was clicking into place: Chloe was one of the people who provided feedback on my performance reviews. She was one of the people who tallied my contribution. Even the process for promotions would ask for her feedback. Hadn¡¯t I admired her, for helping people flourish at this company? I was no longer flourishing. Which was more likely; that the most senior, trusted individual¡¯s feedback was ignored in defiance of all logic, or that she had actually given me a poor ranking? ¡°Just one question,¡± I said. I was too exhausted to second-guess my intuition, anymore. ¡°Why Graham, instead of me?¡± ¡°Milo, that¨C¡± ¡°You made the recommendation, right? You approved it too. I want to know why.¡± I put my hand on the table. ¡°Why didn¡¯t you put your foot down, when they didn¡¯t choose me? I¡¯ve been here for years. I accomplish more than he accomplishes in a week, every single day.¡± She stared at me. ¡°So this is about the promotion. Is that why you are so unmotivated?¡± ¡°No,¡± I said. ¡°Maybe. I¡¯m just doing my job, instead of the job I¡¯d wanted, and my job is much easier.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t think of this as anything but a decrease in output.¡± I wanted to say something snarky, like my output matches my pay, but I managed to hold back. ¡°Just tell me why,¡± I said. ¡°If you give me that, I¡¯ll do whatever you want. I¡¯ll quit, or strive to be my old self, or follow this plan until I¡¯m almost-certainly fired. Just tell me why I was passed over, so I can understand.¡± I picked up my hand and put it on my face. My voice had grown softer and softer. ¡°And so I can not make this mistake, again.¡± ¡°You are not four times as productive as Graham, Milo.¡± ¡°Excuse me?¡± ¡°Maybe eight months ago you were more productive than him, but now? You are seriously flagging.¡± She looked down at the paper, her eyes wide. ¡°I don¡¯t know how you can¡¯t see it. You¡¯re lethargic, slow, missing work¨C¡± ¡°That¡¯s a temporary¨C¡± ¡°You were hospitalized! Yes, I accepted Graham for the senior position, but not because he deserved it. That was because I didn¡¯t want you to die, Milo! Hanahaki was killing you ¨Cyou said to yourself that stress was the cause!¡± ¡°You¨C¡± ¡°I promoted Graham because you wouldn¡¯t have lived through it.¡± I felt my head reel. Had she really protected me? I wanted people to protect me, right? Or was she making excuses, now, for her callousness then? ¡°Well, now for my part,¡± I said. ¡°What should I do?¡± ¡°You should leave this job, stop giving so much of your money away, heal up, and come back when you¡¯re really ready,¡± she said. ¡°There will be a place for you.¡± ¡°Despite how I left?¡± ¡°I promise,¡± she said. ¡°You were our best employee. You can be, again, when you feel better.¡± ¡°Shouldn¡¯t I try to get unemployment, or something¡­?¡± I said. ¡°In fact, they definitely can¡¯t fire me because I got sick.¡± ¡°I looked it up. Hanahaki isn¡¯t a protected condition, I¡¯m sorry to say.¡± She flicked a paper on the table, and went on. ¡°They will claim they fired you for poor performance. They are covering their asses.¡± I slowly nodded. ¡°It¡¯s killing me, you said.¡± ¡°You¡¯re like a husk of your former self.¡± She exhaled unhappily. ¡°No-one will say it to you directly, but¡­¡± ¡°Well, thank you, I guess,¡± I said as I took the papers. ¡°I¡¯m going to think about it for a day or two. I¡¯m taking the rest of the day off, I¡¯ve got a doctor¡¯s appointment.¡± I¡¯d put it on the company calendar, so I didn¡¯t have to say it, but I figured I¡¯d mention it so she wouldn¡¯t get the wrong idea about me walking out immediately. I needed to look things up for myself. I couldn¡¯t trust Chloe about protected conditions, or any other advice for that matter. Some of my distrust must have seeped into my voice. Stolen story; please report. ¡°Milo,¡± she said as I got up. She grabbed my sleeve. ¡°I¡¯m truly sorry.¡± ¡°Me, too.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to quit or anything,¡± she said, ¡°But at least, tell me you understand?¡± I was shocked to realize that Chloe was holding back tears. I grit my teeth; every time someone cried, something awful was happening to me. ¡°You did work your ass off. You did it for years. You don¡¯t deserve this¨Cbut I had to make a decision! I tried to do the right thing, Milo¡­!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know if you did what was right,¡± I said, somewhat coldly, but then I pushed some warmth into my voice. ¡°But I do understand, Chloe. I probably would have done the same.¡± I swallowed. I didn¡¯t want her to suffer for no reason. ¡°Thank you,¡± I said, to help her feel better. She nodded and let go of my sleeve. I left the meeting room. I tried not to stomp away, or slam the door. I fumed as I walked to the front of the building. My anger grew and grew. Chloe hadn¡¯t asked me what I wanted, she¡¯d made assumptions about what was good for me and acted unilaterally. That pissed me off. That she could start to cry, and then I had to let go of my own emotions¨Cthat pissed me off more. Chloe had never cried to me, but it was powerful. I wondered if it was some sort of technique of hers or not. If I¡¯d cried to her it would have done jack shit for me. I was already perceived as weak, wasn¡¯t I? I was already being punished? I felt my eyes water and tried to hold it in. I was sick with an illness, but I wasn¡¯t a fucking child. If I wanted to work myself to death, that was my right. I should at least be consulted about it! Chloe had just ignored any possible input on the matter. But she wasn¡¯t the only one who thought she knew better. Diana, who thought I was some sort of beast and had to be avoided. Dr. Dominic, pushing me to date when I didn¡¯t want to, when it wouldn¡¯t even help. The Brookes, assuming I didn¡¯t see my own emotions. Emma, who gave me one impossible decision then made all others. Anna, standing far back, twisting the knife when I approached. Bella, who wasn¡¯t different from the others, after all. I checked my phone; nothing. Nobody tried to genuinely help me, they all just tried to steer me like a ball rolling down a hill. I was sick of people. I hated people. I just wanted to be alone, I realized. Pretending to be an extrovert¨Cfuck that. I¡¯d go home and play videogames by myself, as God intended. I made a small laugh. Their manipulation wasn¡¯t what angered me the most. All of these people, thinking they knew better than I did¨Cthat was irritating, of course, but it wasn¡¯t why I was infuriated. The unbelievably frustrating part was that some of them were probably right. Some probably could help me. They might all be wrong, or all have pieces of the truth, but it¡¯s not like I knew any better than they did. I couldn¡¯t tell the damn difference between someone who¡¯d be there for me, and someone who would just hurt me pointlessly. Maybe it would be better if I just avoided all of them. As I opened my car door, the person I hated the most was myself. I was a failure, I was weak, I was getting what I deserved, and I was powerless to stop it. My lack of power proved my worthlessness. I didn¡¯t want to do anything, for the first time in a long time. I didn¡¯t think things could possibly get worse. ¡ª The only reason I went to the doctor, that day, was that I had an appointment that a better version of me had made. It was core to my person that when I couldn¡¯t think I stuck to the plan, even if it was painful and difficult and I couldn¡¯t remember what I¡¯d hoped to get from it all in the first place. I made plans while I was in a good state of mind, so that when I faltered I¡¯d have something to fall back on. I¡¯d done it in college, I¡¯d done it at work, and now I did it in my day-to-day life. I told Dr. Dominic that my chest hurt. He seemed concerned. ¡°I¡¯ve been very stressed,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s been a hell of a couple of weeks.¡± ¡°Why is that?¡± he asked, sitting down. He was looking straight at me. ¡°My girlfriend broke up with me. I lost my job, and my best friends.¡± I pulled my breath in sharply through my nose. ¡°You know, the usual implosion of a life.¡± I was idly surprised to see genuine concern on his face. ¡°Milo, if things are going really horribly, you need to reach out for help.¡± ¡°To who, exactly?¡± I asked. ¡°I¡¯ve lost most of my friends. I¡¯m not sure where I stand with my neighbors, now that I¡¯ve angered their daughter.¡± ¡°Dating someone close to you can be awkward,¡± he said, and I didn¡¯t have the energy to explain what had really happened. ¡°Honestly, everything is shit right now, and I don¡¯t want to burden anyone with it.¡± ¡°There is an entire profession of people whose job is to help you deal with it. Have you considered visiting a therapist?¡± ¡°Therapy,¡± I said. I sighed. ¡°I hadn¡¯t considered it.¡± ¡°People get wrapped up in their issues, and forget to ask for help,¡± he said. ¡°I think you need this help in particular.¡± ¡°You¡¯re right, of course,¡± I said. ¡°I haven''t lost my job quite yet. Maybe I can turn it around, while I can still afford it.¡± Dr. Dominic slapped his hands down onto his knees as he stood. ¡°After this appointment you should go talk to Mrs. Calor, the receptionist.¡± He pulled out his stethoscope to listen to chest. ¡°Will she get me in contact with a therapist?¡± ¡°No. She¡¯ll explain how insurance works, and how to extend your benefits while you¡¯re between jobs. Deep breath, please.¡± If I were going to maximize the benefit I got from my job, I should persist for at least a little bit. The thought of continuing to go to work there for three more months, until they could fire me without repercussions, filled me with malaise. I considered it while Dr. Dominic listened. ¡°Again.¡± I did as he asked. ¡°I think your lungs are irritated. I¡¯m going to have to recommend another scan for hanahaki.¡± I nodded, weakly. I was ready to pay the piper. ¡°Is there any reason why your lungs would be irritated?¡± ¡°No,¡± I croaked. ¡°No, no. This isn¡¯t fair.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Milo,¡± he said. He put a hand on my shoulder. ¡°We¡¯ve got to follow up on this.¡± But this time the hanahaki surgeon met me in the scanning room, and looked over the shoulder of the technician. I heard when he called for me to be prepped for surgery. I wasn¡¯t surprised, just defeated. I¡¯d known something bad was growing inside me. When I thought back, I could see all the little moments of disquiet, or denial, or despair. I¡¯d been trying so hard to recover, and I¡¯d made excuses for my failures so I could keep trying. As though I could sprint a little harder and outrun all my problems. They took a blood sample before putting me under, to be sent off for special tests. ¡ª It wasn¡¯t like the last time I¡¯d come out of surgery, at all. My chest ached like it was full of cement. My limbs were weak. I had a mask strapped to my face that was feeding me cold air. There were people waiting for me to wake up. The Brookes, and this time Bella was with them. I couldn¡¯t speak to them. I could barely see them, at first. ¡°What are you doing here¡­¡± I asked. ¡°You put us as your emergency contacts,¡± said Mr. Brookes. ¡°They called us in.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡­¡± ¡°Don¡¯t be sorry.¡± He hadn¡¯t got what I meant. I was sorry to Bella¨Cher parents had dragged her here, even though she wanted nothing to do with me. ¡°Everything¡¯s alright,¡± added Mrs. Brookes. I felt something and looked down. Bella was holding my hand. That was a surprise. I squeezed and looked at her. She was wearing a mask, I noticed. ¡°Are you sick?¡± I croaked. My voice hurt, and I was very thirsty. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about me,¡± she said. ¡°Do you have water?¡± She grabbed a cup and handed me a piece of ice. After surgery I was supposed to take it easy on fluids for a few hours. I remembered it from last time. ¡°Harder than I was expecting,¡± I said as I tried to put it into my mouth. I was making a joke about the water being frozen, but I also struggled because my oxygen mask was still in the way. Bella pulled my mask aside, and put the ice to my lips. She gently set the mask back in place. ¡°Thank you,¡± I said. I held the frozen water between my teeth and waited for it to melt. ¡°You¡¯re welcome,¡± she replied. ¡°I¡¯m glad to see all of you,¡± I said after the ice had melted. ¡°I gather it didn¡¯t go as well as they¡¯d hoped.¡± ¡°The nurse that called me said it was hanahaki type B,¡± said Mr. Brookes. ¡°Apparently your lungs bled significantly during the surgery. It was a close thing.¡± ¡°How significantly¡­¡± I said. It felt like I was breathing gravel. ¡°They gave you more than one unit of blood,¡± he said. ¡°Milo, I¡¯m deeply sorry.¡± ¡°What?¡± I asked. ¡°Why?¡± ¡°This clearly isn¡¯t just hanahaki,¡± he responded. ¡°I didn¡¯t take your illness seriously.¡± ¡°None of us did,¡± said Bella. ¡°I tried, though.¡± ¡°Stop it,¡± I said. ¡°You guys have always been there for me. It¡¯s not your fault.¡± ¡°I¡¯m still sorry we can¡¯t do more to help,¡± said Mr. Brookes. I waved a hand. ¡°Let¡¯s grill some burgers when I get out of here. That¡¯s all I really want.¡± He smiled. ¡°Of course, absolutely.¡± ¡ª Dr. Dominic was explaining the tests they had run after my surgery. A blood test; white blood cells, immune reaction. I was having a hard time following. I¡¯d just woken up. ¡°What did you call it?¡± ¡°Sarcoidosis,¡± said Dr. Dominic. He sat next to my hospital bed. His voice was gentle, apologetic even, but there was hardness in his eyes. I realized the hardness was for himself, not for me, and that he¡¯d had to steel himself for this conversation. ¡°It¡¯s an extremely rare disease.¡± ¡°What is the prognosis?¡± I asked. I didn¡¯t want him to beat around the bush, but apparently he felt that he had to give me some background before he could answer the most important questions. ¡°Not good,¡± he said. ¡°Your immune system is attacking your lungs, making them vulnerable to hanahaki. You have significant fibrosis already. Over time the damage will worsen. You might try a lung transplant, but¡­ lung transplants are temporary, at best.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t know they could transplant lungs.¡± I said. I¡¯d heard of other organ transplantations; hands, kidneys, etc. I wondered if hearts were also possible. ¡°They can¡¯t,¡± he responded. ¡°Not effectively. They will try, of course, if you give them permission¨Cbut it isn¡¯t likely to succeed given the certainty of reinfection with hanahaki.¡± Dr. Dominic looked at the wall. ¡°Treatments for these two issues are opposed. Antiflorals will aggravate your immune system; immunosuppressants will embolden the hanahaki. Immunosuppressants are the less-effective option, generally, but there is a small chance you¡¯ll respond better to those.¡± He met my eyes. ¡°You will have to choose.¡± ¡°I have to choose¡­which way to die?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Milo.¡± ¡°How long will my lungs last?¡± ¡°You could have as many as several years.¡± He swallowed. ¡°Based on my research and the progression of your disease so far, I would expect somewhat less. Perhaps as little as a few months.¡± ¡°It¡¯s really deadly, huh.¡± I was in a daze. The words came out of my mouth while my mind was elsewhere; all of my plans were dying right in front of me, ahead of schedule. ¡°The problem is the hanahaki. Your immune system is damaging your lungs, yes, but the parasites are more active as a result.¡± He pinched the bridge of his nose. Now Dr. Dominic was getting emotional, and I tried not to hold it against him. It was subtle; he was a doctor, and had probably had conversations like this before. However, I could see him shifting with a different sort of discomfort than impatience. It was surreal. I felt disconnected from everything, and it allowed me to see his emotions so clearly. My own emotions had decided to fuck off somewhere and leave me alone. I was grateful for the reprieve. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Milo,¡± he said again. ¡°This isn¡¯t an illness we have a good answer for. Only a few dozen people get it per year.¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t autoimmune diseases pretty common?¡± ¡°Not of the lungs,¡± he said. ¡°Some theorize it¡¯s an adaptation to hanahaki itself, but others think running was important first, and hanahaki only came later¡­¡± He shifted again. ¡°That¡¯s not relevant to your decision-making process.¡± ¡°It is, at least a little bit.¡± I said. I made the effort to sit up. ¡°But I think I¡¯ll have to skip the lesson for now. Do I have any other option, than to just¡­¡± ¡°Not that I know of,¡± he said. ¡°I¡¯ve reached out to the sarcoidosis experts. You¡¯ll likely hear from them.¡± ¡°What do I do?¡± I asked him. ¡°You get your affairs in order,¡± he said. Dr. Dominic stood. ¡°It is time for a decision, Milo. Immunosuppressants, or antiflorals?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to get hanahaki again,¡± I said. He looked pained. ¡°You don¡¯t really have a choice, regarding that.¡± ¡°Give me the immunosuppressants, then. I¡¯ve got to try everything I can.¡± ¡°It might shorten your life.¡± ¡°But we already have a lot of evidence that antiflorals won¡¯t work.¡± ¡°That¡¯s right.¡± ¡°Then I¡¯ll take that chance, thank you very much. Will I get to go home, again?¡± ¡°Yes,¡± he said. ¡°Next week, if it goes well when we take you off oxygen.¡± 0% Part 1 The Brookes came to visit me again. I told them things weren¡¯t looking good, but I didn¡¯t go so far as to say I was dying. I didn¡¯t know how to say it. I didn¡¯t know how I could excuse myself, for the pain they¡¯d feel when they lost me just like they had lost their son. Thinking about it too much made me want to sob, so I pushed it back. I couldn¡¯t hide things from them that well. ¡°We really should be paying you for tutoring Bella,¡± said Mr. Brookes, a deep frown on his face. ¡°It¡¯s a valuable¨C¡± ¡°Don¡¯t worry,¡± I said. ¡°My old job has to pay disability. I won¡¯t have to worry about money.¡± ¡°You¡¯ll need to get a different job after you recover,¡± said Mrs. Brookes. She talked about future plans, about the stories I¡¯d be able to tell when this was all over. Bella and her father didn¡¯t say anything of the sort. They knew what I wasn¡¯t saying. Bella herself was crying, her tears falling down onto the mask she still wore. Her mother glanced at her, and looked away without registering anything. ¡°Get well soon, Milo,¡± said Mrs. Brookes. ¡°We¡¯ll grill burgers when they release you, okay?¡± ¡°I¡¯d love that,¡± I said. ¡°Right after I get home, I¡¯ll come knock on your door.¡± ¡°I look forward to it,¡± said Mr. Brookes, his voice just slightly too loud, just slightly too deep. ¡°Do you want us to stay here with you, for now?¡± ¡°No,¡± I said. ¡°I mean, I do want to see you again soon, but for now I think I just want to sleep and think about things. Make new plans.¡± ¡°Make plans?¡± he asked. ¡°Yeah, this illness means I¡¯ve got to change my plans,¡± I said. ¡°It can¡¯t be helped.¡± He nodded. ¡°We¡¯ll be back to visit soon.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± ¡°Just call, and we¡¯ll be here in a flash,¡± added Mrs. Brookes. The Brookes were standing to leave and gathering their coats. ¡°Wait, Bella. Can I talk to you for a minute?¡± Her parents stopped on the way to the door. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry, but¨C¡± ¡°We¡¯ll be outside,¡± said Mr. Brookes. He took his wife¡¯s hand. ¡°C¡¯mon, dear.¡± Bella stood there, still slowly crying. There was something I needed to settle with her. ¡°What are you sick with?¡± I asked. Not because I didn¡¯t already know, nor because I wanted to make accusations. I just had to start the conversation somehow. ¡°It¡¯s not important.¡± ¡°It¡¯s hanahaki, right?¡± I asked. She stared and sniffed. Finally, she nodded. ¡°I didn¡¯t want to say anything, given your own struggles¡­¡± she said. ¡°My doctor said I¡¯ve got a normal case of it. It¡¯s not like I¡¯m¨C¡± she sniffed again. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry, Milo.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay. On the bright side, now you¡¯re an expert on dealing with that illness.¡± Now that I knew I was dying, I didn¡¯t want to waste any time. ¡°Is there someone you want to confess to?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± she said, looking away. ¡°Bella, you¡¯ve got to ask them while you have the chance.¡± ¡°I¡­ it¡¯s stupid, you¡¯ll think it¡¯s incredibly stupid.¡± If she was attracted to me¡­ well, I would think it was unfortunate, but not stupid. I tilted my head, to encourage her to go on, but she didn¡¯t. ¡°Try me,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I can¡¯t say it while you¡¯re¡­¡± ¡°I¡¯m dying of sarcoidosis,¡± I said. ¡°Not hanahaki.¡± She began to cry harder, and I regretted being so direct about it. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°It¡¯s the hanahaki that¡¯s deadly,¡± she said. ¡°Either way, I want to know.¡± She dropped her hands to the sides and looked at the ceiling, before jerking her gaze back down to meet mine. ¡°I will explain, but you¡¯ve got to promise not to hold it against me.¡± I had no idea what that could mean. Maybe it wasn¡¯t me who was causing her hanahaki, after all? The thought that it wasn¡¯t me made me incredibly sad, for some reason. That she might have come to love someone, and not told me anything about it¨Cthat I wasn¡¯t close enough to her for that¨Cwould be devastating. But I wanted to know. ¡°Very well,¡± I said. ¡°No matter what you say in the next few minutes, I won¡¯t hold it against you.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want to be better, okay? I know how that sounds to you¨Cand I¡¯m sorry¨Cbut getting rejected will destroy my feelings. Getting treated instead might leave them intact¡­ so I¡¯m trying to tough it out.¡± ¡°Getting over your feelings is the point,¡± I said. ¡°I mean¡­ your feelings are going to have to resolve themselves somehow.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want that to happen.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± I asked. ¡°Whatever can be destroyed by the truth, should be.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t get it. My feelings are true on their own. It¡¯s not¨CI can handle being rejected, of course I can. I just can¡¯t handle my feelings rearranging themselves automatically¡­¡± she wiped at her eyes. ¡°Humans evolved to take rejection well, because they had to¡­ but it¡¯s like dying, you know? To have something you care so much about pulled out of you, not by doctors or whatever, but by¡­¡± Her words failed her. I sort of knew what she was saying. I was familiar with the feeling that my body was doing things without my permission. Long nights at the office where I fell asleep; when I ran out of breath while running; when seeing other people smile meant more to me, than knowing I¡¯d helped people with a donation. Sometimes I felt like me and my body weren¡¯t on the same page. I felt that way a lot, actually. My body was attacking itself at that very moment, and I had no way to stop it. And she felt that her natural reaction of moving on after being rejected would be the same: an attack that she didn¡¯t want to bear. ¡°My parents are waiting,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Bella. I need a minute to think.¡± She pulled at the mask that was on her face. ¡°There are tissues, if you want them.¡± Bella took a tissue. She removed her mask, and turned away to cough. If anything came out, she threw it in the trash without letting me see. I could empathize with Bella. On the other hand, I actually had no idea how she was feeling, at all. She was worried about getting over her feelings, and didn¡¯t mind being sick? Her feelings were trying to protect themselves. They were betraying her. My feelings sometimes betrayed me, true, but they never plead for me to not do the obvious thing and destroy them. Destroy them. I flexed one of my hands. My body was destroying itself. I wondered if I¡¯d asphyxiated part of my mind, in just the same way. But that wasn¡¯t the question I was trying to answer; I was thinking about Bella. Maybe other people went around having emotions that would forestall their own defeat, whatever the means. But that wasn¡¯t me. I wasn¡¯t sentimental; if rejection led to me losing an emotion, I should let that emotion go, right? Even then, while I was dying¡­ I was upset at losing a huge future I had imagined, but I also just felt an overwhelming need to make the most of the time I had left. I felt oddly at peace. As though a work deadline I had agonized over was tomorrow, and I¡¯d already done just about everything I could¨Cnow there was some finishing up to do. A presentation to prepare, invites to send. I might die at twenty three, but all that meant was that I got twenty three more years than the vast majority of possible humans. To make myself sick to preserve a desire for romance that would never even occur, would have been insane. Whether the other person was dying, or uninterested. To me, my own romantic success ultimately didn¡¯t matter as much as any of my other endeavors. It was like romance was a small, new plant, in a garden full of trees I¡¯d prioritize above all else¡­ mighty trees¡­ except the things I had built up were all withering away. My job, my charity, my volunteering, my health. And I was still fighting. I would not give up, just because all my endeavors went up in flames. I¡¯d find new endeavors. Before, I thought I would only get a short human life. Now I only had a few months¨Cbut I wanted to accomplish something anyway. The least I could do is help my dear friend. Bella had dried her tears. I was glad she¡¯d said something to me about her hanahaki. I was grateful. It might be wrong to force the issue, if her preference really was to be sick instead. And yet¡­ Bella wanted to keep her unrequited love, to save it before the flames started. That just wouldn¡¯t do, I thought, not if she was in love with me. I wanted to respect her wishes, I really did. But I cared about her too much to not say something here. I was not afraid of the consequences. The Brookes were one of the last things I had left, true, and if I asked Bella out I might ruin my relationship with them. Then I¡¯d have nothing, and my life would be well and truly ruined. But so what? And I was probably going to die. Really, in the face of that, did I need to be on good terms with my neighbors? Bella¡¯s health was important to me. Consequences be damned, I¡¯d ask her out, and if I was wrong I could go be miserable, and she could decide what to do about her feelings for this mysterious other person. I might not be able to recover from such a loss. But honestly, I didn¡¯t have much left to lose anyway. And if she was sick for me, well, we¡¯d have it out now. That way my death wouldn¡¯t keep her sick forever. No, I could feel the note of discord. Deep down I wasn¡¯t motivated for Bella¡¯s sake. I knew that, because this wouldn¡¯t protect her health. She¡¯d lose ten percent of her lung capacity, like everyone else, and move on in a few months anyway. Her health wasn¡¯t actually at stake, but I was still going to force the issue. The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement. Why? I looked at Bella¡¯s beautiful, crying face, half-hidden by a mask. Her eyes were so dark, and sometimes I felt like I¡¯d never seen inside them, despite all our long conversations. I fucking knew why. I knew why I kept wanting to spend time with her, even if someone else was my girlfriend. I knew what I really wanted, what was pushing me to cause her pain right now instead of letting her go hurt herself on her own. I knew what plant I¡¯d put in my garden, when all the others had died. I was dying, I was selfish. No more time. I had thought about it enough. ¡°Bella,¡± I said. She looked up at me. I exhaled, and thought of a way to say it. ¡°I wish I were the person you were sick over.¡± ¡°Why would you want such a thing?¡± ¡°So I could cure you,¡± I said, intending to sweep away all the complications. ¡°By dating you, of course. I¡¯d ask you out immediately, and not regret it for a second. Not to get better,¡± I said, putting out my hand with my palm up. ¡°Just because I¡¯m in love with you.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± She blinked, looking away. ¡°I¡­ well¡­¡± She came over to take my hand, and I felt tension leave my body. I¡¯d been right. ¡°Bella, do you want to go out with me?¡± She met my eyes, and quickly nodded. ¡°It was me, then.¡± ¡°You aren¡¯t¡­ just to make me feel better?¡± I laughed at her. ¡°Sorry, sorry. Not at all, Bella. This is entirely selfish of me. It¡¯s to make my life better. If I wanted you to feel better, I¡¯d just go die alone.¡± ¡°That¡¯s awful!¡± she said. She didn¡¯t let go of my hand. ¡°Sorry, but it¡¯s the truth. I¡¯m asking you out for my own sake, even though I don¡¯t expect it to be easy for you at all.¡± I sighed. ¡°I am sorry, though. I care about you immensely, of course I do, and I think I probably would sacrifice our relationship for your health¨Cbut it wouldn¡¯t accomplish anything, would it? I¡¯d be happy for you to reject me, to test the possibility of you getting better¨Csorry, this is all coming out wrong¨Cwhat I really want is the possibility of finding happiness with you.¡± I edged forward in my bed. ¡°I would pay the cost for a chance at a happy future. Whatever that cost is. However long the future is. I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m causing you pain.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay,¡± she said. ¡°It was you, of course it was you! Who else could it be?¡± She was starting to cry again. ¡°I thought you might reject me, and the¡­ only person who loved you would stop caring right before you died.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± Maybe I would have deserved that, maybe not. ¡°You wanted to be there for me that badly¡­¡± ¡°Yes. However I could.¡± She took a sharp breath. ¡°I still want to be there for you. I was so foolish, I thought I¡¯d just recover from hanahaki before I met up with you again.¡± That explained her distance from me since her fight with Emma. She didn¡¯t want me to know she was sick, but she hadn¡¯t known I was almost out of time. That still left some questions, though. ¡°Why didn¡¯t you ask me out before Emma and I started dating?¡± I asked. ¡°I didn¡¯t ask you because¡­ well, I was in denial, but I was also waiting for you to do the obvious thing. We talked about people I might date. You could have easily put yourself there.¡± ¡°That¡¯s what I was waiting for you to do,¡± she said. ¡°You left me off your list¡­ so I thought¡­ I wanted you to be happy, of course. Even if it wasn¡¯t with me.¡± We had wasted a lot of time dancing around each other. I wasn¡¯t about to waste any more. ¡°Why don¡¯t we be happy together?¡± ¡°Of course,¡± she said. ¡°Of course, but it¡¯s¡­¡± she looked around the hospital room. ¡°It¡¯s just in time.¡± I leaned forward in the bed to embrace her, and pulled her back down with me. She ended up lying on the hospital bed next to me. I wasn¡¯t all that strong, anymore, but I could fall down while holding someone. I held her close. We didn¡¯t say anything for several moments. ¡°This is nice,¡± she said. ¡°My parents are still waiting out there, though.¡± ¡°I guess,¡± I replied. ¡°Well, you already know all the ideas I have for dates. You¡¯ll have to pick one, when I get out of here¡­ or maybe we could brainstorm a few more?¡± ¡ª In the hospital, with my laptop, I tried to decide how to spend the rest of my life. I did it at night so that nurses would be less likely to interrupt me. I wanted to be able to cry about it, should I feel the need. My plans were well and truly fucked. I could technically go back to work if I wanted. I¡¯d spend the rest of my life earning a small amount of money for charity. That plan was doubly foolish; my disability payments gave me freedom to do other things, and any amount I earned would be dwarfed by my own cost to the medical system. Striving toward a career makes the most sense when you will be able to reap the benefits for multiple decades. That was why I had worked my butt off, before; a small raise in pay now, would be a huge increase to lifetime earnings as increases compounded. However, that was only true if you had a long lifetime ahead of you. Working just wasn¡¯t a good investment anymore. Also, I wanted to spend more time with Bella. Doing charity work wasn¡¯t a realistic goal for me. Most charity work is manual labor, where the funds to pay actual laborers are lacking; I was too unhealthy for that. I spent a few minutes trying to brainstorm ways I could do mental labor for good, instead. Being a consultant or writer for a non-profit would appeal, but I didn¡¯t have enough time to get in contact with new organizations. The endeavors of charities would take time to understand, time that I didn¡¯t have. I needed things with shorter timescales¨Clike tutoring for free. I wrote it down, but the only person I really wanted to tutor was Bella. Getting exercise seemed a lot less important, suddenly. I was already in the spiral. On the other hand, I could go on walks with¡­ The only thing I was certain of, was that I wanted to spend more time with Bella. What I needed otherwise was a short term way to have an outsized impact. There were a few threads to pull on, regarding that problem. I could try to earn money fast¨Cshould I go to a casino, maybe? Rack up debt? I threw out those ideas, because some part of me was still hoping I¡¯d survive. I wouldn¡¯t want to saddle my future self with immense debt. Most safe ways of making money fast simply didn¡¯t work. Very many people were utilizing them, or attempting to utilize them such as they existed. If I were going to do something extraordinary in a few months, it would result from an extraordinary quality unique to me. This kind of reasoning was somewhat suspect. ¡°Assume I do something important and unlikely¨Cwhat explanation is most plausible?¡± Approaching a problem from the other side might lead to insights, though, so I gave it a shot. Three years from now, whether I survived or not: what would having done something impactful look like? I still had no idea what to do. What I ended up doing was browsing old files on my computer and wondering if I¡¯d accidentally wasted my life. I found bits and bobs; dreams I¡¯d decided to write down, earlier versions of the planning spreadsheet, folders with ideas for fiction stories in them. I found an awful lot of ideas for fiction. I considered it. Sometimes novels went big, and earned a lot of money. Most people wouldn¡¯t stake several months on writing because the chances of success (at least financially) were so slim. It would be better to make career investments. Not for me, though. Also, writing was one of my few strengths that I could still put to use. It was not exactly a unique strength of mine, but a relatively rare one. I perused my old novel ideas, and thought about telling them to Bella while we walked along the river. I thought of her reading a book I wrote, after I had died¡­ it might keep her company in my absence, even if it wasn¡¯t a financial success. Writing a novel would be exciting and new. The more I thought about it, the more it appealed. I made a new spreadsheet, to decide which of my ideas I might bring into reality before I lost the chance. Once it was complete I sent it to Bella to ask for her thoughts. My chances of success would go way up with her help, I realized. Two heads are better than one, as they say. As my health declined I¡¯d probably rely on her more and more. ¡ª The Brookes came to visit a few more times. Bella told her parents that we were dating. They seemed to approve, or at the very least they were willing to tolerate it for several months. Before I left the hospital, I was informed that the next time I came in would likely be the last. I was extremely unlikely to leave after another surgery, even if I survived it. Dr. Dominic told me that if I did not come back when my symptoms recurred I would die outside of the hospital, instead. He did not tell me which path to take. He was silent not for utilitarian reasons like saving hospital resources, I was sure, but because he wanted me to make the decision for myself. It was true that I might live in the hospital for some months. That would require an intense regimen of antifloral medication or immunosuppressants. However, respiratory failure was an inevitable part of my future. I was going to die either way. Some part of me thought that it would be better if I died far away, and the hospital didn¡¯t waste resources trying to save me¡­ but science would learn from my demise, so perhaps the cost was worth it. I¡¯d better just get as much done before then as I could. That did mean going to the hospital at the right time, to extend my life. I went ahead and signed up to be an experimental subject for a lung transplant. I was an ideal candidate; young, previously-healthy, and with impending lung failure. It would buy me a few extra months if I were lucky. I did get some consolation when I learned that my job would owe me an entire year of disability leave, due to my unexpected illness, and that the insurance was on the hook for all of my tests and the standard treatments. Hanahaki wasn''t covered, but I was being killed by an autoimmune disorder. I hadn¡¯t quit my job when they¡¯d asked and now they were paying dearly. ¡°Good. Fuck ¡®em,¡± said Gavin, when I told some of this to him. We were chatting online and playing Bloomcraft one more time, before I quit the game to focus on other things. I hadn¡¯t stated I was going to die. It wasn¡¯t something I felt I could lay on my friend, just yet. ¡°They owe you.¡± ¡°Agreed,¡± I said. ¡°So I¡¯m going to try to make the most of my time off.¡± ¡°What are you going to do?¡± ¡°I was thinking I¡¯d write a novel.¡± ¡°What?¡± he said. ¡°Really?¡± ¡°Why?¡± asked Anna. ¡°Because I want to,¡± I said. ¡°That¡¯s all the justification I need, I think.¡± There were many reasons I wanted to, but all my complicated thoughts about it were another thing I didn¡¯t think I could just lay on them. ¡°That¡¯s a bit random. I thought you¡¯d be looking for new jobs, or tutoring, that kind of thing.¡± ¡±I mean, I¡¯ve always wanted to write a novel. I enjoy writing, and sometimes I have these ideas that distract me from other endeavors. I¡¯ve got like twenty different novel outlines all sitting on my computer.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a lot!¡± said Gavin. ¡°But you¡¯ve never written a novel,¡± said Anna. ¡°Writing out all the major plot points, and maybe one or two key scenes, is enough to get it out of my head,¡± I said. I shrugged, which was kind of useless since we were in voice chat. ¡°I think I¡¯ll make one of those novel ideas into a real story while I have the chance, though. The hard part will be choosing which.¡± ¡°So you¡¯re what, just going to spend a year writing?¡± asked Anna. ¡°I¡¯ll probably tutor a bit too. I can¡¯t devote one hundred percent of my time to any endeavor.¡± I preferred to have many things going at once, maybe too many, so that I would always be excited to make progress when I switched between them. Having only two things to focus on¨CBella and writing¨Cwould be a major change of pace for me. ¡°Your illness is pretty serious, huh,¡± said Anna. ¡°What did you say it was called?¡± ¡°Sarcoidosis,¡± I said, with some trepidation. Anna would likely look it up and spill the beans to Gavin. I considered messaging her to cool it, so I could tell him in my own time. On the other hand, I didn¡¯t have much of my own time left. I decided right then to just put it out in the open. ¡°It¡¯s a very serious illness,¡± I said. ¡°More than¡­¡± It was hard to be open, even now. ¡°More than you might think.¡± ¡°How serious are we talking?¡± asked Gavin. ¡°Like, cancer?¡± ¡°In combination with hanahaki, which it exacerbates, probably worse. Only a few dozen people get it per year.¡± I heard rapid typing from both of their connections. I facepalmed. ¡°I¡¯m really sorry to be so blunt about it, guys, but I¡¯m basically dying.¡± I explained to them that I probably had less than a year left, and that I was trying to spend my time as wisely as possible. They were horrified, and asked if there was anything they could do. They made much more vehement promises to help however they could than the first time I¡¯d had hanahaki, but that only made sense. The window of time was closing more than we¡¯d realized. ¡°Actually, I do have a favor to ask,¡± I said. ¡°Anything,¡± said Gavin. ¡°We''re going to have a barbecue. You should come meet Bella and the Brookes. By the way, I¡¯ve started dating Bella.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a mean thing to do,¡± said Anna. ¡°Especially so soon after Emma.¡± ¡°Shut the hell up,¡° said Gavin. ¡°Also, a barbeque? Jeeze, you ask for such lofty things!¡± ¡°Well, I know that you guys are busy¨C¡± ¡°We¡¯ll be there, man. Of course we will.¡± 0% Part 2 Every time I felt tired and wanted to sleep in, I reminded myself that I was dying. It was extremely motivating at first. I¡¯d get up, drink some coffee, and get to writing. At noon I¡¯d make a small lunch. I¡¯d usually continue my story in the afternoon, but sometimes I¡¯d read a chapter from one of Bella''s textbooks instead. That way when she arrived, in the afternoon, I could talk to her about her classes. I wasn¡¯t tutoring Bella so much as following along in all of her courses. I¡¯d taken them before; it was easy to keep up. When Bella got home we¡¯d go over her classes while she prepared dinner. She had started cooking for me without asking. I didn¡¯t have the energy to do it myself, most of the time. We¡¯d talk about writing surprisingly little, though. I¡¯d give her my progress for the day, and she¡¯d mark it up so I could edit it. Bella wasn¡¯t as good at writing as I was, by a long shot, but she noticed different things, which made my writing better anyway. I wouldn''t write in the evenings at all. Instead, Bella and I would do something. Usually a movie, or a short walk, or some videogames by ourselves. Bella was much more of a stay-at-home kind of person than Emma had been, and that was absolutely fine with me. Then, at about ten, she¡¯d go home to her actual house. We kept this schedule for two weeks, and they were the best two weeks of my life. ¡ª ¡°Are you sure this is a good idea¡­?¡± asked Bella. We were walking along the riverside. ¡°Not one hundred percent,¡± I replied, ¡°But I¡¯m sure that staying at home all day isn¡¯t going to help either.¡± I looked at the trees, which were still bare. I realized that there was a very good chance I¡¯d only see them sprout leaves one more time. I was having many realizations like that. I bid farewell to my coworkers when I picked up my things; I¡¯d never see them again. I went to an office supply store to get a whiteboard; I¡¯d never set foot in it again. I took Bella to a restaurant and it might be the last time I ate there, or the last time I ate rose curry. I¡¯d never taste it again. It made me chew my food a bit more thoroughly and walk a little more deliberately, looking at everything before it was gone. Bella and I had gone out for dinner. I saw a familiar shape on the menu, symbolizing healthy options. ¡°I never really noticed how common the lung symbol is,¡± I said. The two overlapping teardrops were everywhere: on Valentine¡¯s day cards and balloons, for sure, but also in paintings and advertisements; stylized on clothes and tattoos; in emoji and on playing cards. And of course everything medical had those two teardrops, to let you know it was related to human health. Even dishes in restaurants. ¡°We sort of take it for granted,¡± said Bella. ¡°That¡¯s for sure,¡± I said, taking a drink of water. ¡°Lungs mean a lot of things, don¡¯t they? Love, obviously, but also health and excitement¡­¡± Bella looked pained. I was noticing these things, because my own lungs were failing me. ¡°It¡¯s just kind of funny that we associate an organ, of all things, with so many concepts.¡± ¡°Just like we associate brains with things,¡± she said. ¡°You don¡¯t see little brain shapes all over the place, though. Not like the lungs.¡± ¡°True,¡± she said. ¡°But the brain symbol is more complicated.¡± ¡°The complication of the symbol is completely arbitrary though,¡± I said. ¡°You could imagine the lung symbol including the trachea, aveoli, the diaphragm¨Cnot just two overlapping teardrops.¡± ¡°I always thought of them as petals,¡± she said. ¡°But I see your point.¡± ¡°Ah well. I¡¯m glad my brain continues to function, at least." She gave a small chuckle. Seeing everything anew helped me with my writing. I was writing a fantasy novel, one about magicians going to war. But it ended up featuring a lot of walking along rivers and a lot of striving against a lack of air. It also featured a beautiful woman, someone the protagonist met only when he abandoned his obligation to fight for his nation. ¡°I¡¯m so lucky,¡± I said, taking Bella¡¯s hand. ¡°You don¡¯t seem very lucky to me,¡± she said, leaning into me. ¡°I¡¯ll stay by your side either way, though.¡± ¡°That is why I¡¯m so lucky.¡± ¡ª The barbecue was surprisingly fun and easygoing. Gavin, Anna, and the Brookes were there. I¡¯d gone ahead and invited Diana, but she hadn¡¯t responded. Perhaps it was for the best. At this point, my life was a complication she really didn¡¯t need. The Brookes had some friends over as well. I¡¯d told them to invite enough people that the party wouldn¡¯t be about me. Although some of the people there knew I was dying, and that I¡¯d requested this as a sort of last wish, none of those in the know were willing to bring it up. We all just sort of forgot about it, or chose to ignore it inside our own heads. Instead, we ate grilled meat, fake or otherwise, and tossed horseshoes. I was telling Gavin about my novel, and he unrepentantly told me to put a sex scene in it. ¡°It¡¯ll sell better that way,¡± Anna acknowledged. Gavin tossed a horseshoe and it bounced off the stake. ¡°You aren¡¯t very good at this,¡± she told him. ¡°It¡¯s not about sales,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m writing this for myself. I mean, if it goes big, that¡¯d be nice¡­ but the story is worth it for its own sake, too.¡± ¡°Yeah. Sex scenes are worth it int¡­ inter¡­¡± said Gavin. ¡°Intrinsically,¡± I suggested. ¡°Exactly. So put one in.¡± ¡°Will you read it if I don¡¯t?¡± I asked. ¡°Of course I¡¯ll read it!¡± ¡°I¡¯m not going to, then. Also, you really don¡¯t have to read it, it probably won¡¯t be very good. I might not even put it online¡­¡± I should have gotten deathly ill with enough time to write two novels, I thought, so that I¡¯d have more practice. I tossed a horseshoe and missed the post entirely. ¡°I am going to read it, man,¡± he said, not bringing up the topic we¡¯d chosen as off limits. ¡°You gotta finish writing it, first.¡± Gavin¡¯s throw bounced off the post again. ¡°Neither of you are any good at this at all,¡± Anna said. ¡°From the sidelines, that means nothing,¡± I said. I handed my two other horseshoes to her. Anna threw, and nailed the stake¨Cbut it bounced off, just like Gavin¡¯s had. ¡°See, it¡¯s not so easy.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t say I was good. Just that I could see that you are bad.¡± Bella walked over and Anna handed the last horseshoe to her. Bella, almost without looking, tossed the horseshoe and got it to ring around the post. ¡°How?¡± asked Gavin. ¡°It¡¯s in my backyard,¡± she said with a shrug. ¡°Milo, my dad wants some help with the grill.¡± I left Bella with Anna and Gavin. I was a bit nervous about it, but Bella was apprised of what had happened between Anna and I, and she¡¯d also promised to walk away if it looked like things could get heated. I didn¡¯t expect them to, but even a small possibility worried me. I¡¯d been burned once before. The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. When I went to Mr. Brookes the grill was very full, and he handed me a spatula to hold. That he had two could tell you a lot about the man. ¡°How¡¯s it going, Milo?¡± ¡°Very well. Thank you for setting this up.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve got an important question,¡± he said. ¡°It¡¯s delicate, but I don¡¯t want to let it sit for too long.¡± ¡°Let¡¯s hear it,¡± I said. ¡°How long do you have left?¡± he asked. He flipped a burger, not meeting my eyes. Mr. Brookes was willing to step on toes, when it was important. ¡°It¡¯s a, a distribution. Probably about six months.¡± He nodded as I spoke, his jaw set. ¡°My daughter doesn¡¯t want to talk about it. I assume you¡¯ve told her?¡± ¡°I have.¡± I concentrated on flipping burgers myself, so I wouldn¡¯t have to look at him. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry, Mr. Brookes. I know I¡¯ve caused you and your family a lot of pain, I¡¯m causing you a lot¨C¡± ¡°Enough of that,¡± he said. ¡°I just wanted to make sure Bella knew what she was getting into. I wanted to know, myself.¡± His voice was a bit ragged. Mr. Brookes was having a hard time, like I¡¯d feared. ¡°I might not have chosen this for her, but she would choose it herself¨Cand that is more important. Liz agrees, just so you know.¡± ¡°Thank you,¡± I said. ¡°Listen.¡± I pointed at the place where my friends were playing horseshoes. Bella seemed to be giving them advice. ¡°Gavin and Anna are both my dear friends. They¡¯d do anything for me.¡± ¡°Good friends to have,¡± he said, his voice already less thick with emotion than before. We¡¯d talked about what he wanted to talk about; I was dying, and he was okay with me dating his daughter despite that. I was grateful to have his acceptance. ¡°Anna¡¯s good at logistics, she knows where to find stuff¨Cshe¡¯s good at making a list of everything a person needs, whatever they are trying to do.¡± Mr. Brookes nodded. ¡°Gavin repairs things. He also knows engines. He can mend a fence or trim a tree.¡± ¡°We can trim your tree, if you need.¡± I only had one, whereas the Brookes had almost a dozen. I always borrowed their equipment. ¡°I¡¯ve told them to come visit you, if¡­ I¡¯m unavailable.¡± Mr. Brookes frowned at me, suddenly understanding what I was getting at. ¡°If you had another barbecue with them, sometime, I¡¯d be grateful.¡± We grilled in silence for a few moments. ¡°We will be okay, Milo,¡± Mr. Brookes finally said. ¡°This is your party. You should stop worrying about what the guests are going to do after you leave.¡± ¡°I do worry, though,¡± I said. ¡°Sometimes we can¡¯t help it.¡± He handed me his spatula. ¡°I¡¯m going to go talk to¨CGavin, was it? I¡¯ll get his number. Not because I expect to need his help, necessarily, but just so you can stop worrying.¡± ¡°Thank you,¡± I said, genuine relief washing over me. I¡¯d seen how they dealt with loss. I wanted them to have help. I grilled and gave hot food to anyone who came to get it. They cordially said ¡®thank you¡¯. I explained to those that asked that I was a neighbor, but most vaguely knew who I was already. I¡¯d been in the neighborhood awhile. Even the Vestas were there, and trying to be nice for a change. I watched the party guests from the deck, and felt at peace. Many were old friends of Mr. Brookes¡¯, and thus people I¡¯d only met in passing. That none of them felt any particular need to talk to me meant that he had honored my request that he not mention my illness. Seeing them happy and oblivious actually made me feel a lot better about my situation. The world was full of good things, and would stay that way even if I¡­ I tried to keep it together. It would not do if I burned any of the food. Mr. Brookes ended up laughing along with my other friends. He and Gavin threw horseshoes, competing against Bella and Anna. They all seemed to get along. I was worried about Anna and Bella, but it seemed like my old friend was serious about being a good friend, and a good friend would be nice to my girlfriend. The party was going well. I had no intent of leaving anytime soon. Mr. Brookes came back to take over grill duties from me, and I went to sit with the others and talk about my half-finished novel. My phone rang, so I excused myself. It wasn¡¯t a number I recognized. I walked to the space between our houses to take the call. ¡°Is this Mr. Caldwell?¡± ¡°Yes. Who¡¯s this?¡± ¡°I am Dr. Elba. I run a microbiology lab.¡± The party left my attention, entirely. ¡°I was calling to schedule a longer conversation, where we could talk about experimental sarcoidosis interventions.¡± ¡°I am so glad to hear from you,¡± I said. ¡°Just say a date and time.¡± ¡°Mr. Caldwell, I must emphasize that our techniques are experimental only. They are unproven.¡± ¡°I understand.¡± He didn¡¯t want me to hang all my hopes on something that probably wasn¡¯t going to work. We scheduled a followup conversation for the next day, where he could explain in detail some system they were working on for people with sarcoidosis. ¡ª I tried to approach my interaction with Dr. Elba with an appropriate amount of fatalism. As he said, the treatments were unproven. Any medication that he gave me would probably result in a datapoint rather than a miracle. However, it turned out that he didn¡¯t want to give me any medication at all. ¡°Will you pay for all the upgrades?¡± I asked. I couldn¡¯t afford anything without the help of insurance, and I didn¡¯t think it would pay for this. Insurance would give you drugs for blood pressure, but it wouldn¡¯t buy you a bicycle before you got fat. ¡°Of course. I wish I could tell you that an ultraviolet air filtration system would increase the value of your home, but it comes with significant maintenance costs. It might have the opposite effect.¡± ¡°That¡¯s fine,¡± I said. ¡°It sounds like cool tech.¡± ¡°It is indeed,¡± he said, some good humor entering his voice for the first time. Dr. Elba¡¯s lab had designed it. He spent an hour telling me about how it could kill a wide variety of airborne pathogens, hanahaki included. Dr. Elba also warned that I¡¯d be exposed to hanahaki basically everywhere else¨Canywhere there was dust¨Cso it was an incomplete solution. However, he had suggestions for protecting myself in other ways and in other places. In fact, there was an entire guide to avoiding exposure. It was something that his lab had produced. ¡°So you agree?¡± he asked. ¡°Of course. I¡¯m trying everything I can.¡± I had already explained that I was on immunosuppressants rather than antiflorals. ¡°How many people with sarcoidosis have successfully avoided hanahaki, with your system?¡± ¡°Mr. Caldwell, this is a very new technology.¡± I let out all my breath. ¡°Am I the first to attempt it?¡± ¡°We are running a scale up study,¡± he said. ¡°You are among the first, yes. We have four patients with sarcoidosis, five including you. One of them has been using our system for ten months.¡± ¡°How¡¯s he doing?¡± ¡°Information like that is protected,¡± he responded. ¡°I understand. The point is, this hasn¡¯t been running long enough to know if it works.¡± ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡± I set my shoulders. ¡°Well, you have to start somewhere.¡± The system hadn¡¯t been designed for people with sarcoidosis in particular¨Cit was for reducing airborne illnesses in general. However, if it could help me I¡¯d jump at the chance. Hanahaki was the ultimate airborne illness, and the spores were particularly vulnerable to ultraviolet light. They used membranes to protect themselves, after all. I tried to refocus on the reading and writing I wanted to do, but I was afflicted with excitement and hope. I finally broke down, and decided to start texting people about the system. Just like writing a plot summary and a single scene could get a story idea out of my head, telling a few friends good news could allow me to refocus afterward. ¡ª I was the one to kiss Bella, first. It was a gentle kiss on her forehead while we were sitting on the couch together. I was happy just to spend time with her; I¡¯d kissed her without thinking. She leaned into me affectionately. My heart pounded almost painfully. ¡°I think I want to lie down,¡± I said. ¡°Can we keep cuddling?¡± she asked. ¡°Yes,¡± I said. It was a bit awkward as we repositioned ourselves on the couch, but she settled onto my chest. I unpaused the movie once we were settled. ¡°It¡¯s not hard to breathe, is it?¡± she asked. ¡°A little, but I don¡¯t think it¡¯s because I¡¯m sick,¡± I said, laughing a little bit. Her face was very close; I could almost kiss her lips. Before I made some sort of move she set her head back down on my chest. We continued to watch the movie, and at some points, I almost was able to pay attention to it instead of Bella. ¡°I can hear your heartbeat,¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s very strong.¡± ¡°Thanks to you,¡± I said, not caring which way she interpreted it. It had been slowing down as we relaxed. That Bella would focus on heartbeat, instead of my breathing, showed how little she cared for conventional symbols of love. I felt an immense contentment washing over me. I had nothing left in the world, nothing but this moment and Bella. I didn¡¯t care if I had to die, as long as I got to experience this moment, first. I started to doze off. ¡°I love you,¡± she said. ¡°I love you too,¡± I responded. We lay there for a long time, until the movie ended. Bella finally got up. She started to gather her things. ¡°I¡¯ll be going home, now,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯d rather stay here¡­ but it¡¯s late.¡± ¡°It is,¡± I said. ¡°Thank you.¡± I grabbed her hand, and gave it a gentle squeeze. ¡°Thank you, too. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve ever been so happy in my entire life.¡± She smiled warmly, but I could see the moment she remembered that I was, in fact, dying. I didn¡¯t have a lot of time left, and recalling that made her brow furrow. I pulled her into an embrace. ¡°See you tomorrow,¡± I said. ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too." 0% Part 3 The workmen came during the next week. I¡¯d been offered a stipend for a hotel, but I had declined. My plan was to stay on the Brookes¡¯ couch for the single night I wouldn¡¯t be able to stay in my own house. Bella and I were watching men carry ductwork. The UV system would be very overbuilt; it was supposed to cycle all the air in the house with an appreciable frequency, and it had a large chamber for reducing ozone. It was more complicated than shining light on a filter, I¡¯d learned. Some of the ductwork would run along the ceilings. The house hadn¡¯t been built with this in mind, and the visible machinery would reduce its value. I¡¯d be buying high-grade filters every month if I couldn¡¯t convince insurance to pay for it. They were drilling holes through walls and tearing out drywall. It made me vaguely sad to see the house getting mangled, but I really needed to try everything I could. My home¡¯s value wasn¡¯t important, to me at least. ¡°I¡¯ve been thinking about who my house will go to,¡± I said. Bella¡¯s eyes widened. ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯m comfortable taking something like that,¡± she said. ¡°I was thinking about your parents, actually. They¡¯d probably rent it out, to keep paying the mortgage.¡± It would also allow them to have some say in who their new neighbor might be. ¡°Dad¡¯s not going to like that,¡± she said. Her shoulders relaxed, which I felt more than saw. I¡¯d put my arm around her. ¡°That¡¯s why I¡¯m not telling him yet,¡± I replied. ¡°I also thought about donating it to charity. I talked to a lawyer. There¡¯s some risk that my parents will try to claim it.¡± ¡°You haven¡¯t told me much about your parents,¡± said Bella. They were, presumably, still in a religious commune on the coast. ¡°I try not to think about them too much,¡± I said. ¡°They disowned me when I refused to move with them. That was the last time I spoke to them.¡± ¡°How old were you when that happened?¡± ¡°Seventeen,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m hoping they don¡¯t even know where I live, now. They wouldn¡¯t have expected the son they knew to be able to afford this.¡± I had been a very different person in my teenage years¨Cmuch less focused on self improvement. Enormously self-absorbed, among other things. ¡°Are you going to send them a message?¡± asked Bella. ¡°I don¡¯t think so,¡± I responded. I recalled an incident where my mother screamed that I was dead to her. I didn¡¯t mention that to Bella. Things like that weren¡¯t worth preserving. ¡°I don¡¯t want them to come and try to convert me, last minute. Or to take my house. Fortunately, talking to an attorney now makes that less likely.¡± Willing the house to an older couple, rather than my young girlfriend, also helped. The system was unfair to Bella, but the suspicion made some sense. The lawyer had told me that challenges might imply she had a motive to deceive me while knowing I was ill. Bella turned and held me close. ¡°I¡¯m glad someone invented this UV system.¡± ¡°Me too.¡± ¡ª Bella informed me that she¡¯d gotten permission to stay at my house overnight, in case I needed her to take me to the hospital in a hurry. She said it causally. ¡°I hope it doesn¡¯t become necessary,¡± she said. ¡°How are you feeling?¡± In fact, my heart had started to beat a bit faster. ¡°My lungs aren¡¯t any more irritated than before,¡± I said. ¡°But I am paying close attention. When the hanahaki returns we can¡¯t hesitate.¡± Unspoken was the reality that the next time I went to the hospital, I would probably never come back out. I had an incentive to delay as long as possible. ¡°Well, for the sake of fast response times, I should probably sleep near you.¡± ¡°How near?¡± I asked. ¡°As near as you want,¡± she said. I walked over and kissed her on the lips. ¡°You are very close to me already,¡± I said. ¡°Let¡¯s take it slow, okay? We could move the couch to my room.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± she replied, her face red. That evening we moved the couch. I was trying not to strain myself, and I was weak, but between Bella and I we managed to get it done. ¡°No more movies in the living room,¡± she said. ¡°We could move the TV,¡± I said, but there really wasn¡¯t a good place to put it. My bedroom wasn¡¯t that large. A small bedroom suited me fine; for bedrooms to be good resting places, they needed to be used for as little as possible that wasn¡¯t sleeping. Sleeping, and¡­ Bella swallowed, then looked at me from where she sat on the couch. ¡°Diana¡­ mentioned the other way¡­¡± ¡°It doesn¡¯t cure sarcoidosis,¡± I said. I sat next to her and kissed her again, my heart pounding hard. ¡°So that¡¯s not necessary.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not talking about doing it because it¡¯s necessary, necessarily. We should cover all our bases.¡± I laughed at that turn of phrase. It took her a second to realize what she had said, then she laughed too. ¡°But if you aren¡¯t healthy enough for it, that¡¯s another matter.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll think about it,¡± I said. I struggled to sleep that night. I kept tossing and turning. Normally I was so exhausted that I¡¯d fall asleep in moments, but I had said I would think about it, and I was thinking about it too much. I could hear Bella softly breathing in the same room. I had no idea if she was sleeping. I was regretting saying she could use the couch; I wanted her there, with me. Not to have sex with her, even¨Cjust to be close to her. ¡°We could cuddle,¡± I said, softly, in case she was awake. A few moments later I heard her get up, and I felt the covers shift as she got into bed with me. She started to kiss me, more than before. I kissed her back. After that, I didn¡¯t have to think very long about it at all. ¡ª Having sex with Bella wasn¡¯t a cure: that much became apparent. That wasn¡¯t why we did it, though, and we didn¡¯t stop after I noticed my lungs start to tickle in a familiar way. Instead, I went to see Dr. Dominic. I had been seeing him regularly for blood work and tests. They were gathering data about the progression of my illness. I was glad that I could help science just by fighting my sickness. I brought up some of the things that Dr. Elba had mentioned as preventive measures to avoid getting reinfected with hanahki. ¡°I can prescribe regular preemptive antifloral treatments for you, Milo,¡± said Dr. Dominic. ¡°Having long intervals between them isn¡¯t a typical regime for sarcoidosis¡­ but I don¡¯t see any reason it can¡¯t be done.¡± ¡°Thank you.¡± ¡°However, I cannot prescribe them for Bella.¡± ¡°If she gets hanahaki and brings it into the house, I could die,¡± I said. The UV sterilization system was running, and we¡¯d swept the house with intense UV light to try to make it safe. That meant the only respite left for hanahaki was in my lungs, and in hers. And in the clothes that we wore, which we¡¯d have to change out of every time we got home. We hadn¡¯t started that regime, but we were gearing up for it. And in dirt that might get on our skin, which we''d have to wash every time we went outside. The point was that all that effort wouldn¡¯t amount to anything if the house got recontaminated at some point in the future. Stolen story; please report. ¡°My hands are tied,¡± said Dr. Dominic. ¡°Antifloral resistance is real, and getting worse.¡± I was well aware. One of the failure states for my disease was my hanahaki becoming resistant to all my medicines¨Cotherwise, I¡¯d just take antiflorals constantly. ¡°Bella has already had the illness,¡± he added. ¡°She won¡¯t be vulnerable.¡± ¡°Yes,¡± I said. ¡°Once. And asymptomatic cases of hanahaki aren¡¯t unheard of. She wouldn¡¯t be taking antiflorals often¨Conce or twice a year, like myself.¡± ¡°I am not allowed to prescribe it,¡± he said, flatly. Her regular doctor had said something similar. ¡°We need to get a special exception.¡± ¡°That process is long and difficult.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve got nothing but time,¡± I said. It was a lie in the broad scope of things, but true enough in the day to day. I spent a lot of time on the phone, in those last frantic weeks. I had to call people to make sure I was insured; I had to schedule appointments for infusions of medicines; I coordinated with the microbiology labs and talked to experts about possible responses. I ordered special masks to wear whenever I left the house. I also got a call from work. ¡ª ¡°I don¡¯t expect you to take the position,¡± said Chloe. We were talking on the phone, about an opening for a junior associate. I hadn¡¯t been one of those for a few years. ¡°Frankly, you should be insulted that they suggested I call you. But¡­ I didn¡¯t want to deny you the opportunity for something a bit easier.¡± ¡°I¡¯m afraid I¡¯ll have to decline,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m still focusing on my health.¡± ¡°How is that going, by the way?¡± Somehow, the fact that I was dying hadn¡¯t gotten back to her. Maybe the folks in HR took their jobs and privacy laws seriously. I considered ruining Chloe¡¯s day with the news, and I decided against it. ¡°I¡¯m doing my best,¡± I said. ¡°This time off has been a great help, I must say.¡± ¡°I¡¯m glad to hear it,¡± she replied. ¡°Well, I¡¯ve got a list of people to call, so I¡¯ll¨C¡± ¡°Is Emma on the list?¡± I asked. ¡°That girl from before?¡± I heard papers being shuffled. ¡°Yeah. Kind of near the bottom, since she has so little experience.¡± Relevant experience, I knew. Emma had been working since she was a teenager. ¡°Can you call her next? She¡¯d be an excellent candidate, she¡¯s motivated and sharp. I think you¡¯ll see a lot of yourself in her, actually.¡± That was a seed I wanted to plant in Chloe¡¯s mind. I also thought that Emma was familiar enough with corporate bullshit that she¡¯d do better than I had. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯ll reach out to her. Do you owe her a favor or something?¡± ¡°No, I just think she¡¯d be a good fit. Everybody has something to gain here.¡± I could hear a smile when she responded. ¡°Excellent. Thanks for the tip. I¡¯m afraid you won¡¯t get the referral bonus, assuming we do hire her¡­¡± I laughed. ¡°Not at all necessary. Thank you, Chloe.¡± ¡°Of course. Be well, Milo.¡± She hung up. The last conversation I¡¯d have with Chloe, I thought. I smiled, looking down at my laptop and the text there. I remembered when I had met Chloe. She came to a recruitment event on campus. She had been the junior accompanying a senior, and had handed my resume back to me, saying it probably wouldn¡¯t pass muster. I¡¯d asked her some questions about the positions they offered. It was ostensibly so I could try again in the future, and she hadn¡¯t even guessed my intent. I¡¯d rewritten my resume one table over, on my laptop, in about ten minutes. Somehow that had convinced Chloe I was insightful, or had initiative, or something. Maybe it was because I¡¯d taken her words and made them into writing so quickly. Whatever the case, she had convinced the others to consider me, and I¡¯d gotten hired. I''d dropped out for the opportunity. Hopefully she could now do something similar for Emma. I shot Emma a text, to let her know what was coming. I didn¡¯t wait for a response. In some ways, I was well. Better than I had been in years. I began to type on my laptop again, about something I cared about a great deal more than anything I¡¯d ever written for the company. ¡ª I made meteoric progress on my novel. About halfway through, I started re-reading the first part, and decided to rewrite it entirely. That slowed me down somewhat. ¡°Still working?¡± asked Bella. She¡¯d been reading on the couch, upside down, with her back on the floor. She claimed to do that just to mix things up. I thought it was cute, either way. You could sit on a couch upside down. Bella was studying. Her spring finals were coming up. ¡°Yeah,¡± I said. I took a deep breath. ¡°I was coughing, today.¡± She spun around and got up. ¡°You¡¯ll have to go back soon.¡± ¡°That¡¯s right,¡± I said. ¡°As soon as next week.¡± ¡°Shouldn¡¯t we go now?¡± she asked. ¡°The sooner they treat you, the more lung capacity you¡¯ll preserve....¡± ¡°We should,¡± I said. It felt like my heart was breaking. ¡°But let me finish this novel, at least! And, let me have at least a few more nights with you.¡± Bella couldn¡¯t refuse the request. She wanted more time with me, as well. ¡ª The next night, Bella and I were talking about my novel. We didn¡¯t do that in the evenings, often, but I¡¯d decided to drop all other activities to focus on it. Almost all other activities. ¡°I¡¯m not surprised you want to rewrite it, you¡¯ve been experiencing a lot of ¡®novel¡¯ things recently.¡± She swung her hip toward me, making me laugh. The laughing turned to a cough, causing Bella to frown. I kept coughing until I felt weak. ¡°Are you okay?¡± she asked. ¡°I think so,¡± I said when I finally got it under control. ¡°Sorry.¡± She frowned at me. Then she patted my back once and went to put the kettle on. ¡°We can¡¯t delay much longer,¡± she said. I followed her into the kitchen. ¡°I agree. In fact, we should go tomorrow." I¡¯d just have to finish my novel in the hospital. It couldn¡¯t be helped. As the water boiled I felt my lungs itch again. I tried to resist coughing. I was getting so tired of illness. I grumbled, trying to clear my throat. I tasted metal, but my consciousness refused to integrate that fact. I just didn¡¯t believe it¨Cor maybe, a weird taste in my mouth didn¡¯t quite rise to the level of conscious awareness. I coughed again, right into my hand, my diaphragm convulsing as though it were barking an order against someone. When I looked at my palm I saw a foaming red ball of leaves, one that was slowly unfurling as it dried out. It was like an electric shock. The heart of my enemy that I¡¯d coughed up, within me all along. My consciousness integrated it that time. ¡°To the hospital,¡± I said, my breath already coming shorter. ¡°Now.¡± Bella dropped the tea kettle back down to the stove and practically ran out the door. I turned off the heater then hastened to follow her. I could feel it, now. My lungs were filling with fluid. I had the thought that the hard cough gave me a definitive answer by making things worse. A few minutes worse, and certainty was costly. A bad trade, but only knowable after my body had made it. I was starting to wheeze. I sat in Bella¡¯s car and she drove me down the road. As we went my breath got shallower and shallower. Now I was breathing slowly, deliberately, trying not to splash around the blood in my lungs. I felt myself getting weaker, too. My starving heart pounded in my chest. Yes, it was starving. I was bleeding internally. I was dying, and in that moment I fucking hated it. I had been so close to finishing my novel! Had I really just¡­ failed at everything? Bella drove, her knuckles white on the wheel, and I was only a burden. We were going toward the hospital, and for what? If I ultimately died there, I¡¯d just be wasting resources: time and money, the attention of experts. I¡¯d already wasted more on my illness than I¡¯d ever donated. If I wasn¡¯t dying I could have donated hundreds of thousands of dollars more. We passed a man holding a sign. It was Joshua, I noticed, but I didn¡¯t have the breath to point it out to Bella. His sign said something about trusting the Lord. If I wasn¡¯t dying, I could have volunteered more. Maybe not at the soup kitchen. I could have met more people. Heard more stories, wrote more stories about those I had heard. I could have helped people! They could have seen me, and been happy that I was there! I could have been happy. There was so much happiness that I¡¯d just never get. Bella was there with me, and she was crying openly. Not sobbing; focused on getting me to safety. But I could not be brought to safety. The problem was part of me. I hiccuped and the wetness in my throat made me think I lost a few more minutes. From the perspective of health, I could have lived to be eighty, if only this stupid fucking illness hadn¡¯t gotten me first. I¡¯d eaten right, I¡¯d exercised. I¡¯d done everything I was supposed to do. We flew down the road. I was crying too. People were honking at Bella as she drove. Her car bounced off something, but she didn¡¯t stop. Just great; my sickness was endangering her life, or getting her into trouble. I¡¯d had a little bit of romance, and a little bit of love. That was something. Bella was whimpering in fear, tearing open my door. We¡¯d pulled up to the hospital at some point. I tried to stand and failed, so in an instant she turned and ran for help. I watched her go¨Cit might be the last time I saw her. I was alone with my weakness, a hundred feet from the hospital doors. The Brookes had lost both their son and myself. It was a cruel thing for me to do to them. Bella would spend the rest of her life missing me. I didn¡¯t want to die, because it would be another burden on them. The parasites in my lungs didn¡¯t give a shit about any of it. If I could kill them, forever, I would. Snap my fingers and make this go away. Even if Bella went on to be happy, or found someone else, all I¡¯d have accomplished by entering her life was hurting her. I coughed, and so much red came up I couldn¡¯t believe it. My palm was crimson, running with it. I tried to breathe and it made no difference. My lungs didn¡¯t work when coated with blood, and that was that. I tried to breathe again and it sounded like someone was overturning a half-empty bottle. Fuck this, I thought. I made myself stand on my last half-breath, and stars appeared all round. I took a faltering step closer to the hospital, to save the running nurses a few feet. It was stupid, I knew, but I had to do something. My plan had been to get to the hospital! Fuck this! I¡¯d die on my feet, but no sooner had I thought about it than I was on my knees. I continued to crawl. I coughed, splattering the pavement. I coughed, and coughed, and coughed. I stopped having thoughts as petals blew out onto the cement, carried by the wind of my life. I had wondered what I¡¯d think at this moment. Nothing, it turns out. I thought nothing. There wasn¡¯t enough left in me for thoughts. Just enough for one little feeling, that was all. All I felt was that I had wanted to live. Epilogue (120%) ¡°Bella?¡± called the nurse. I stood up and waved my hand once. She wasn¡¯t one that I recognized. She led me to a back room, where I filled out some computerized forms that I had grown very familiar with. The nurse left me alone with the forms. Some of the questions were awkward and private, like how many sexual partners I¡¯d had in the last six months, or if I had any issues with my heart or lungs. I knew that when she came back, the computer would only draw her attention to questions where my answers were unexpected. All my answers were boring. I had never been flagged¨Cbut the nurse would respect my privacy as much as possible while I filled it out, so that if I had an interesting answer I¡¯d feel more comfortable putting it down. Also, she had other things to do. It was a busy place. I finished the survey quickly. When the nurse came back she reviewed everything the computer told her was important¨Cnothing¨Cthen she pricked my finger to get a small blood sample. She took my temperature and my weight. She made me sign a consent form. The nurse herself was doing this with a practiced, fluid ease, a real phlebotomist. I wondered if any question would raise a flag for her, to shock her out of the track she was on. I could ask her questions. But when she asked, I told her I had no questions. By nature I¡¯m unassuming. I don¡¯t bother people just to see their reaction. ¡°Alright, Bella,¡± she said. ¡°If you aren¡¯t sick, why are you wearing a mask?¡± One of the survey questions was about my current health, and I¡¯d said that I wasn¡¯t ill. ¡°A precaution,¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t want to get sick, either.¡± ¡°Okay. You realize it is a crime to lie, on these forms?¡± ¡°Yes,¡± I said. If she wasn¡¯t new, if she knew me, this wouldn''t have been an issue. ¡°Alright, then. Last thing: left or right arm?¡± ¡°Let¡¯s do the right one this time.¡± She led me to a bed, and started giving me the usual spiel about squeezing to keep my blood flowing, and how the donation would go. ¡°I¡¯ve done this like fifteen times,¡± I told her. Some phlebotomists would see that as permission to skip the details, and just get the work done. Others preferred to follow the routine. I couldn¡¯t really blame them. Ignoring the boxes on a checklist was perilous, especially as far as health was concerned. This nurse was the latter type, so she politely said she was obligated to explain every time, and then went on checking boxes. She rubbed the pit of my elbow with alcohol. Sixty seconds later she stuck a needle in, and my blood began to flow out into a bag. She asked me to call her if I had any concerns, and I nodded. For a few minutes there was only the sound of machines. I exhaled. This was like the easiest way to do good for the world, but because it was slightly dangerous and a little gross, it was underutilized. ¡°Do you donate often?¡± asked a woman from the bed next to mine. I glanced over at her. She was young, perhaps a junior in college, like myself. I wasn¡¯t good at guessing age. She had two long, thick blonde braids on either side of her head. ¡°Every chance I get.¡± ¡°How long have you been doing it?¡± she asked. I frowned. ¡°Two or three years.¡± ¡°Wow! It¡¯s my first time.¡± ¡°I can tell,¡± I said. Hearing her over the machine was difficult; regular donors didn¡¯t bother with speaking. ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re here, though.¡± ¡°Saving lives!¡± she said. ¡°If I had known it was so easy, I¡¯d have started sooner.¡± I tried to respect strangers as much as possible. While donating blood, that might mean being silent. Silence came easily to me. But when someone was nervous and wanted to talk, it could mean the opposite, couldn¡¯t it? Anyone who said things like ¡°I like saving lives!¡± so innocently would get my attention. ¡°You know, they sometimes use this blood for experiments, instead of giving it to those in need.¡± ¡°All the better,¡± she said. Test passed; she knew her blood wasn¡¯t sacred, and probably thought pretty highly about scientific knowledge. ¡°What¡¯s your name?¡± I asked. She told me, and asked for mine. ¡°I¡¯m Bella. You look like a fellow student.¡± She was; she was studying agricultural science, actually, and was a sophomore rather than a junior. I was happy with how close my guess had been. We chatted a bit about the chemistry of fertilizer. She explained that she was from a farming community, but the knowledge of plants and how they turned air and earth into food was compelling to her. I appreciated that. My favorite part about being a student was that the other students would sometimes want to nerd out. I was feeling an instant connection with this agricultural student. We finished our blood donations at about the same time, and she followed me out of the campus clinic. If she wanted to be friends I was amenable. I hardly ever started a conversation myself, so I had to hang onto those that others started. That was a habit I was trying to break. Before I could think of a way to continue the conversation, my new friend started asking me questions. ¡°You didn¡¯t say your own major,¡± she said. ¡°Microbiology.¡± ¡°How¡¯d you choose that?¡± ¡°Well, I wanted to be a mechanical engineer at first, but I decided halfway through that there was a disease I wanted to eradicate instead.¡± ¡°That¡¯s intense,¡± she said. ¡°Which disease?¡± I smiled, knowing the answer might be the end of our conversation. She was looking at me with a curiosity that was sadly rare among the students at the college. Many of them were going through the motions, rather than passionate about their endeavors, but the passionate ones were the ones I liked best. It almost didn¡¯t matter what they were passionate about¨Cjust that they were striving. I hoped that she¡¯d understand my own passion. ¡°Hanahaki,¡± I said, watching her closely. ¡°Hanahaki?¡± she said, incredulously. ¡°Whatever for?¡± A look of confusion painted her face. To me it seemed more curious than accusatory. Whether her curiosity would become distrust was the next consideration. Hanahaki had a positive association for just about everyone. Their parents, or their friends, or they themselves had felt it and love together, for the first time. Popular culture reflected this. So someone who went against it wasn¡¯t so much untrustworthy, as weird. Weird could be worse. People wanted rules for interacting with each other, predictable tracks to run along. If you were weird, you weren¡¯t predictable. Also, I knew from experience that seeing hanahaki as a tragedy was difficult for most people. Most people didn¡¯t experience it that way, after all. They would say it was necessary for young people to have a clear signal about how it felt to be in love. They would say it was necessary to spur people to act on their feelings, when appropriate. They would say that the suffering counteracted the joy of limerence, to help people remain balanced. They¡¯d make any excuse they could, for that damn disease. I tried to keep the anger from my voice. She had said nothing of the sort. ¡°I don¡¯t think people should get physically ill when they first fall in love,¡± I said. ¡°And then they pay a cost for that for the rest of their lives, in terms of lung capacity, which is actually a major tragedy when you think about it.¡± ¡°I suppose I never thought about it,¡± she said. ¡°The cost is way bigger than most people realize.¡± I explained how lung capacity was tied to many other measures of health and success. As I went on she started to nod, and I felt relief. I wasn¡¯t certain yet if I really wanted her as a friend, but at least she could be one. ¡°So you want to help humanity.¡± ¡°Exactly.¡± I was particularly driven about hanahaki; might as well take advantage of that and do some good at the same time. ¡°You¡¯ve chosen a weird way to go about it. Still¡­ it¡¯s kind of¡­ heroic?¡± Well, the young lady was definitely my friend by then! ¡°Thank you,¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t have anything motivating me like that,¡± she said, rubbing the back of her head. ¡°Oh, I wouldn''t say that,¡± I said. ¡°That you care about fertilizer is also heroic. All our lives depend on fertilizer.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not why I care about it,¡± she said. ¡°I just find it interesting, is all. I¡¯m not out there to change the world or anything.¡± ¡°The people who usually change the world are more like you, than me, I¡¯d say.¡± ¡°That doesn¡¯t make any sense,¡± she replied. ¡°Surely wanting to change the world counts for a lot?¡± ¡°If you want to change the world, you end up doing the same things as all the other idealists. Only people chasing their passions, their genuine passions, change the world. And only some of the time, but if you are chasing a genuine passion, it doesn''t matter to you one bit whether you change the world or not.¡± I felt the need to add that chasing your passion whole-lungedly was actually a terrible idea for most people, but it seemed like she might know that already. ¡°What about money?¡± she said. ¡°Oh, well, of course you need money to survive. Chasing your passion can be very destructive advice. But whether at work or at home, your passions can make their own time. Humans are too complicated to be defined by just one endeavor.¡± ¡°Not everybody is able to pursue their passions,¡± she said, persisting. ¡°Some are struggling just to survive.¡± I shrugged. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t tell someone to change who they were to be more like me, for example. I think people should be true to themselves even if they just want to survive, even if they just want to live in anonymity.¡± ¡°Even if they don¡¯t care about changing the world.¡± ¡°Especially then, actually, since ¡®changing the world¡¯ is a goal that basically always fails.¡± I thought about telling her ways one could identify places where one could change the world, like doing utility calculations, or searching one¡¯s soul, or looking for political points of tension to pull against orthogonally¨Cbut she had said she cared about fertilizer. None of those ideas would appeal to her. Stolen novel; please report. Maybe we¡¯d talk about them later, instead. Not because they mattered to her, but because they mattered to me. ¡°I don¡¯t quite understand,¡± she said. ¡°Do you want to change the world?¡± ¡°Not directly. I just want to eradicate hanahaki, or help that endeavor in some way.¡± You didn¡¯t have to be the center of attention to make a positive difference, either. ¡°Same thing!¡± I hadn¡¯t given her my real reasons, so she didn¡¯t get it. However, it was too soon for me to be so open¡­ I wasn¡¯t comfortable. ¡°Maybe, but if it changed nothing except for hanahaki being gone¨Cmy name not even attached to the cure¨CI¡¯d take that and be happy. Anyway.¡± I checked my watch. We were almost at the campus park and she had followed me the whole way. We¡¯d soon have to part ways. ¡°Do you live on the north side of campus?¡± ¡°Nah, I¡¯m in the dorms. I just figured I¡¯d follow you so we could keep talking. I take it you live there?¡± ¡°No, I live with my boyfriend,¡± I said. ¡°In a house.¡± ¡°Nice,¡± she said. ¡°I wish I had a boyfriend. A house too, now that you mention it.¡± ¡°You may not believe this, but I¡¯m actually a bit of an expert on how to find a date.¡± ¡°Really! I thought eradicating hanahaki was your primary concern?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve many things I care about, of course,¡± I said. ¡°So, if you had to boil it down to just a few pieces of advice¡­¡± I was in my element. I talked about meeting as many people as possible. I told her about caring about people¡¯s lives, but mostly letting people do their own thing; if their lives were compatible with yours, you¡¯d be drawn together like magnets. I mentioned confidence, and how (if done right) it puts people at ease so you can get right down to the business of getting to know them. She nodded along, fascinated. Normally I hated attention on me, but she had earned some trust from me, and was giving me none of the cynical disbelief I had come to expect from academics hearing about dating. She was relentlessly attentive. I told her that if they¡¯re happy when you¡¯re happy, and if they¡¯re sad when you¡¯re sad, it¡¯s a good sign. Emotions should be syncing, not at odds with each other. I told her about finding areas of commonality, in terms of hobbies and activities, and areas of difference. Preferably, interests you didn¡¯t share would be things you could work on often and independently, so you¡¯d always have something new to talk about¨Cbut you wouldn¡¯t have to miss out on time together for those other interests, either. On the other hand, you could try out their interests and see if they would be a good fit. At the very least that would allow you to understand the other person better. Trying to understand, through action and communication, was everything. I told her about how it was important to know what was important to you, and to be flexible on everything else. Pick dealbreakers, be open about them, but not too up-front lest people think you were putting them through tests. ¡°People hate being tested,¡± I said. ¡°As much as possible you should let it be a natural progression, but sometimes you don¡¯t have time for that, and you¡¯ll just have to ask them questions to test how they feel.¡± ¡°You have given it a lot of thought!¡± she said. ¡°I should be taking notes, hahah.¡± ¡°There¡¯s an idea,¡± I said. I should make a write-up to give to people, or maybe a blog post. ¡°So you¡¯ve put all of this into practice?¡± ¡°In a manner of speaking,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯d admit that it¡¯s mostly other people who have used my advice¡­ but to good effect! Speaking of which, here comes my boyfriend.¡± Milo was walking over the grass toward us at a sedate pace. I had intended to meet him there, alone, but time had gotten away from me and I was still talking. ¡°Bella,¡± said Milo. ¡°Who¡¯s this?¡± I introduced them. ¡°Pleased to meet you,¡± she said. She shook his hand. Milo was very thin, and he always wore a mask just like I did. Sometimes people who noticed his thinness were put off, which was tragic, because pretty much any reason for extreme thinness was deserving of sympathy. To be honest, he looked kind of like a drug addict¨Cjust way too thin. Milo counteracted the effect by being well dressed and well groomed, but I could see that she had noticed. She seemed a bit curious, rather than distrustful, which was another hint that she wasn¡¯t judgemental. Milo could see it too, and had a propensity for bluntness. ¡°I¡¯ve had a lung transplant,¡± he said. ¡°Probably going to have another, at some point. Don¡¯t worry, I¡¯m fine now, even though I prefer to wear a mask.¡± That was a bit of a lie; he wore the mask to avoid inhaling hanahaki spores as much as possible. Calling that a preference was an understatement. He wasn¡¯t currently sick, but he had to wear the mask or die. I wore one for the same reason. My risk of infection was far lower, but I loved him. ¡°I didn¡¯t know they did lung transplants.¡± Her eyes snapped to me. ¡°Oh. Huh¡­¡± I lifted a hand, as if to say ¡®there you go¡¯. Some part of me expected her to be put off; a lot of people were, with illness. Illness meant complication, it meant inconvenience. ¡°We were just talking about the underpinnings of romance,¡± I said. ¡°Funny that you should mention it,¡± he said. ¡°I have an idea for a novel that I want to run by you. Although¡­¡± he looked at her; she was a third wheel. ¡°Maybe that should wait for later.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t mind,¡± she said. ¡°Are you sure?¡± he said. ¡°I tend to get into these tirades about my writing ideas, it¡¯s really not the best time for an introduction.¡± ¡°You and Bella have a lot in common,¡± she said, and I beamed at her. ¡°Let me know if you get bored,¡± he said. ¡°Why don¡¯t we walk around the park, as we talk? What is your major?¡± Milo got much the same speech she¡¯d given me, but then he brought up his novel again. Milo gave her some basic plot ideas; this novel would be about a group of explorers who had to make hard decisions as their provisions ran out. Two of them would have a secret romance; it would drive the plot, alongside the threat of starvation. The topic veered toward food security, which was very interesting to our new friend. I could tell that Milo was giving her a chance to speak, instead of dominating the conversation, and I appreciated it. We walked around the park a few times. Whenever Milo went out, he tried to do as much as possible. As much walking, as much shopping, as much talking. Going out was an ordeal; he had to make the most of it. Eventually she excused herself, but not before I¡¯d gotten her number. She¡¯d offered to meet up for lunch. I¡¯d declined, because I didn¡¯t want to take off my mask. Instead we were going to hang out in the library and study together. Milo and I set off toward home. We walked along the river trail. ¡°Now that she¡¯s gone, let¡¯s really talk about the novel,¡± said Milo. ¡°That¡¯s not very nice,¡± I said. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean it like that.¡± He looked at me. ¡°I didn¡¯t push her out of the conversation, did I?¡± ¡°Not at all.¡± I hugged him. ¡°Thank you.¡± ¡°I appreciate that you are trying to make more friends.¡± Milo himself seemed happy with very few. He mostly didn¡¯t see them in person, as a matter of necessity. For the things I wanted to accomplish, I might need to lead a large group of people. That would require skills that I didn¡¯t have, and that college was oddly bad at training. I was practicing for it. It was sort of like how Milo had tried to turn himself into an extrovert. I wouldn¡¯t push quite as hard as he had, though. ¡°I¡¯m glad you appreciate it,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯d tell you my social endeavors are all for your sake, but that¡¯s not quite true.¡± He chuckled. We talked about his novel, much more deeply than he could with a stranger. We had a shared vocabulary; we knew each other well. When we got back to the house, he straightened up and asked if we could turn around. ¡°Not ready to go in?¡± I asked. ¡°No¡­¡± he said. He waved at a neighbor. My parents had rented out their house and moved to the countryside. I sometimes wondered if they had been giving us space, or if they just wanted a change of scenery. ¡°Let¡¯s walk back along the river?¡± ¡°For you,¡± I said. He knew I enjoyed the walks, too, but Milo was practically addicted to them. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m stuck at home most days,¡± he responded. ¡°Once more places get on board with UV air purifiers¡­¡± ¡°It¡¯s fine, dear. What¡¯s for dinner, by the way?¡± ¡°I was thinking of lasagna and salad,¡± he responded. ¡°And by ¡®thinking¡¯, I mean that I put the lasagna in the crock pot three hours ago, so¡­¡± he looked ponderous. ¡°We could technically put it right in the refrigerator after it¡¯s done, if you want something else.¡± ¡°Nah, that sounds lovely.¡± Lasagna was my favorite thing of his. He handled almost all the cooking, but simpler fare always came out best. I rubbed Milo¡¯s neck, right next to his shoulder. I wanted to give him a quick kiss, but the masks meant it should wait until we got home. Instead, I took his hand. ¡°Thank you for supporting me.¡± ¡°Of course,¡± he said. ¡°It is one of the most important things I do.¡± ¡°I might not cure hanahaki.¡± ¡°I might not care about that, in the slightest,¡± he said. ¡°I love you.¡± ¡°I love you too,¡± I said. ¡°I feel like I operate at one hundred and twenty percent because of your help.¡± Milo took care of everything at home, and helped me study, besides. He was in a remote program for biomaterials science, part time. As time went on our degrees diverged more and more, but that just gave us more to teach to each other¨Cmore things to talk about. Our relationship had gone on long enough, by then, that we needed new things to tell each other. ¡°I¡¯m truly a better person because of you,¡± I said. ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°Well, I wouldn¡¯t donate so much to charity without you, for example.¡± ¡°I wish I could go donate blood with you,¡± he said. ¡°I¡¯m not using, like, half of mine, you¡¯d think they¡¯d take it off my hands.¡± He was making a joke, of course; if you had breathing issues you couldn¡¯t afford to lose any blood, nor would they let you donate. ¡°Blood off your hands?¡± I said. ¡°Oh gosh, I¡¯m dating a murderer.¡± ¡°Only in Bloomcraft 2. That game sucks, by the way, I should quit playing it.¡± Milo limited himself to once a week, on Saturday, with his old friends. Playing with friends made it synergistic. ¡°It¡¯s a new release?¡± ¡°Four months ago, actually.¡± ¡°Keep doing it, if it makes you happy.¡± ¡°That¡¯s true.¡± He squeezed my hand. ¡°If I wrote faster, our income might be a bit higher.¡± His fourth novel had been the big break, and the popularity it brought meant that the fifth did better too. ¡°I was thinking we could go up to twenty-five percent?¡± ¡°I think we should save more,¡± I said. ¡°For when the UV system needs an overhaul.¡± ¡°Good point,¡± he said. ¡°Gosh, it¡¯s nice to have to worry about that.¡± ¡°It is,¡± I said. We continued walking in silence, hand in hand. I thought a bit about the hanahaki spore detectors, which we¡¯d installed in the house and the car. They¡¯d made our lives feel a lot safer. They were a recent invention. Dozens of people with sarcoidosis were surviving, just like Milo; the market was growing. ¡°I feel the same,¡± he said, continuing our conversation from before. ¡°I¡¯m only an author because you spurred me on. But you also help me with other things, like the ceramics.¡± Milo had started spinning pottery on a wheel, not for income or to help anyone¨Cjust because he wanted to. I was the one who went out to get materials. For a while he¡¯d been doing some smelting and casting, but this new hobby was safer. I was relieved he¡¯d decided to switch, even though I¡¯d support him in any endeavor. ¡°I like it when you¡¯re happy,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m not sure I¡¯d even still be alive without you.¡± ¡°I like it when you¡¯re alive,¡± I added, and he gently yanked my hand. He had technically died, for a few minutes, when things were dicey. Bystanders had seen him fall at the hospital and had carried him the last few feet while he was unconscious, straight to the nurses, who attached him to a machine that would keep him alive until a transplant was available. We joked about it, because that was the only way we could come to accept such things in our lives. Yes, I liked it when he was alive. ¡°Me too!¡± he replied. ¡°But¡­ I¡¯m just so glad we have each other.¡± ¡°You¡¯re acting weird,¡± I said. Milo looked out over the water, falling silent again. We walked for a time. I knew what was going on. Milo had a new story idea, and his thoughts were entirely consumed by it. Sometimes he¡¯d get a consternated look on his face and stare off for minutes at a time. His writing was all he could think about, in those moments, and that was fine. I thought that spinning pottery was good for that. He could think while he spun. Anything synergistic in our lives would be boosted, just like this walk that was both a date and a bit of exercise. I imagined that his novel would feature a relationship like our own, where the protagonists skated by, narrowly avoiding a disaster. But then Milo said something that made me think I had been wrong about his thoughts. ¡°Bella, I love you,¡± he said. ¡°More than anything.¡± ¡°I love you too,¡± I said. We said it often; every time we parted, and every time we thought about loving each other. Some people said those words lost their value, if said too much, but it seemed to me like the opposite was true. Loving each other had become fundamental to who we were. Every time we said it, another moment and another place became more integral to our love. This was a place we had traveled often. Milo stopped by a bench on the river. Immense cherry trees cast shade on the bench. Cherry trees had a complicated meaning, for us: the love they symbolized was tainted with suffering. However, it was a suffering we¡¯d helped each other overcome. We had sat there often, until that place was a part of our relationship. Winter was finally coming to an end. The sunshine and some loose petals were falling into the water, and the breeze was gently blowing. I wondered if he wanted to go home, finally. ¡°I want to spend the rest of my life with you,¡± he said. ¡°A long life, filled with many things, some unexpected, some planned.¡± ¡°Of course,¡± I said. ¡°I feel the same way.¡± He smiled. ¡°Well¡­ I was in the backyard, the other day, when I noticed something had blown in on the wind.¡± He pulled a small box out of his pocket, then turned to me. ¡°I think it might actually be yours?¡± He opened the box and showed me the ring of metal inside.