《you. me. but him.》


 Chapter 1 - something called growing up

    Those eyes, that unique color was both piercing and deep and those eyes stirred a feeling deep inside me, a feeling I could barely describe because I''d never felt it before. Was it cold, or hot, or bitter? It was weird but somehow felt like familiarity, like home. Even though that was impossible as those eyes have not seen anything from my thoughts, my feelings, and least of all my desires. Or have they? But the expression that filled those eyes was just so deeply caring, almost hot. Sometimes their gaze crossed me, penetrating me like a deep tingle that traveled from my eyes down my cheeks to my lips and then further down until it warmed my chest. I tensed my muscles and wanted to look away, to pull back, to put on a fake smile and a fake gleam in my eyes, but the intensity held me in place and made the hairs on my arms stand up. It was like a welcome prison that I could not, would not escape. But something raged inside me.... No, many things raged inside me. In my head, my chest, and definitely further down. It was such a welcome confusion, that it made my head spin and made me feel more alive than the last months have in any way. I bit my lips, licked over them shyly and leaned forward. Oh, fuck it. The curve of those lips and the color of those eyes practically physically drew me in. I couldn''t stop myself. I felt like a moth being pulled to the light. I paused just before this face and could feel its warmth on my skin, even though I already felt hotter than I thought I could bear. I looked into those eyes, those fucking eyes. Then I closed mine and closed the distance between us. It was a firework ¨C a firework that just sealed my doom.


    I woke up with a gasp and ran my hands through my already wild hair. "Bloody hell!!!" I cursed. My heart was beating fast, too fast. Whether because of those eyes or because of the person they belonged to, I didn¡¯t know. "Bloody hell!!!"


    4 months ago


    The water beaded off my skin and left a slightly sharp but pleasantly cold mark on it. I stretched my face into the stream of water, let it run through my hair one last time and then turned off the tap with a sigh. While I was still drying myself off, I started to sweat again. The beach shower was outside and therefore not blessed with air conditioning. I slipped into my shorts and threw on my shirt. I tousled my hair again in front of the mirror and then combed it back with my fingers. Yep, surfer boy check. Arrogant but cute one might say. I grinned to myself and then went outside with my backpack. The others were already waiting in the shade of some tree, trying to keep the heat at bay by moving their bodies as little as possible. In short, they were lounging around. But it didn¡¯t seem to work as I could see their foreheads shine from little pearls of sweat. "There you are at last, you''ve been showering longer than the girls," Ian joked and punched me in the arm. I made a face at him as if he was a tiny little cockroach that was crawling along my leg. "I just appreciate the luxury of a cold shower. Besides, that''s sexist." I turned to Sienna and kissed her briefly on the lips. "Or Sienna doesn''t give you everything you need," Ian said and laughed out loud. I just ignored him and walked towards the diner with my girlfriend in my arms. "Come on, we''re supposed to be sipping away the milkshake stash at Ricky''s."


    I looked around the little group, sitting at peace at a small diner in a small town. I looked at my best friends, my so-to-say-family, all sucking on their straws ¨C Ian with chocolate in the corner of his mouth, Lina with cream on her cherry-red lips, Oscar with fingers wet from the condensation, and Sienna smiling at me, her bright chocolate-brown eyes twisting in delight. Her milkshake was the same color and it looked delicious. I took a sip of her shake. "That''s what your eye color would taste like," I said softly, licking my lips. Only she heard me, smiled broadly and then turned back to her shake. What a strange thought.


    The summer had gone by so quickly, we''d just been on the trip to Portugal, tanned on the beach for a forbidden length of time - some of us definitely. We had eaten too much and enjoyed the fact that we were still young with wine on the beach in the evening and way too romantic only-in-movies-situations where we would look into the night sky, trying to figure out the zodiac signs. However, we failed bigtime. Nothing would change when university started in a few days, we would still be a group of young people, knowing almost nothing from adult-life. But we would not be together anymore. Not like now. We would live in different dorms and see different people in front of us. Only the university was the same, at least for Sienna, Ian, and me. That had to be enough for now. "We''ll have to remember these days when things get different, when we''re lonely or when we need a warm thought," Sienna said and placed her hand in the middle of the table, palm up. It felt childish but I was the first to put my hand on it, followed by the others. It was like a promise to preserve this moment, this summer, this friendship, to remember it later when the memories might fade a bit. Like a fragile dragonfly caught with its delicate wings in an amber molded from tree resin - its beauty visible from the outside and not to be forgotten or lost. This dragonfly was us, five young people who had the summer behind and the seriousness of life ahead of us.


    "I''m going to miss you," my mom said. She hugged me tightly to her tender body and tried to make her voice sound firm. "I want you to call me when you get there. Let me know if everything''s okay then." I ran my fingers through my hair. "Mom...it''ll be fine, don''t worry about it. I''ll manage, you should have more faith in me." She looked at me with little conviction. Susanna Lindberg was a small woman, petite with a big mop of blonde curls that made up for her height and which, luckily for me, she had passed on to me. I had inherited my green-blue eyes ¨C because of which my grandmother always affectionately referred to me as her little turquoise frog - from my father. Niklas Lindberg was a slick, cool and distant businessman who always looked and acted impeccable, earned a lot of money, and demanded a lot from his family. But he loved my mother, and me too...at least that''s what I assumed. I had a lot to thank him for, not least the many expensive suitcases that were still lying scattered and open on the floor of my room. "You can''t even manage to pack without me kicking your lazy ass. Sienna is supposed to be here soon and you''re going to make her wait." While she put her hands on her hips and blew a strand of hair out of her face, I had to smile and kissed the top of her head. "I love you so much, you know that?" Her features softened, her eyes moistened, and she quickly turned away. "Just make sure you finish before my top hair falls out from agitation." I laughed and cleaned out the rest of my wardrobe. It was slightly frightening how my life could fit into about three suitcases, two bags and a small rucksack.


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    It was still hot outside when the doorbell rang, Sienna looked at me beaming with joy and then immediately grabbed my bags to help me carry them. I looked around again, mentally taking a few photos of the house, my mother''s smile, the rays of sunlight breaking in the glass wind chimes outside the door and the dried lavender on the steps leading to the street. After all, even if I saw them again soon, it was still a feeling of leaving it behind. Which I literally did, but it sounded so dramatic. "Remember that you always have enough in the fridge, that you''re always at lectures on time and that you wash your sweaters on a gentle cycle." I was so glad that Sienna was just in the car and out of hearing-distance. "Mom, please, I''ve done laundry before, it''ll be fine. Also, I probably won¡¯t even need a fridge, it¡¯s a dorm with a canteen. They have that kind of stuff there.¡± I hugged her tightly to me. Then I took a deep breath as if to build up some courage of a sort, and walked away from the big house, which was far too big for just three people and far too impersonal to really miss. It was more like a spicy aftertaste that you liked but didn''t necessarily need and that you forgot when you hadn''t had it for a while. I waved to my mom again and then left the life of my childhood and youth behind me at 60km/h and hot sun.


    "It''s huge here," Sienna marveled as we drove onto the grounds of the school¡¯s residence. My new home. I had insisted on being allowed to study at a public university, or rather the corresponding school, if I followed my father''s wishes ¨C or rather requests ¨C and chose business studies as my field of study. It had therefore made sense to choose the SBS business school, which was not far from the university where Sienna would be studying health sciences. However, we wouldn''t be living in the same hall of residence. She hadn''t been given a place here and I wasn''t allowed in her girls-only shared-flat. At least not as a roommate. I gave her a peck on the shoulder. "Be happy about the size, then it won''t be noticed when you come to visit me in secret." She scrunched up her face and looked at me, half amused, half scared. "I''m a bit jealous that so many students will be living here. What if I don''t get on with my roommates? What if they''re horrible?" I made a dismissive gesture with my hand and pointed to a parking lot where she could drive in.


    "Oh nonsense, you can deal with everyone. Name one person who doesn''t like you." I said it jokingly, but it was true. Sienna was one of the sweetest, kindest, and almost innocent people I knew. This was emphasized by her dark blonde slightly curled hair that shimmered golden in the sun and her dark warm brown eyes, which gave her the overall appearance of an angel. Sometimes too much of an angel which made it hard to argue with her. Those eyes now sparkled mischievously at me. "Well, are you shitting yourself already?" Sometimes I had to admit that her mouth and her choice of words let the angelic appearance crumble to tiny little particles and made her somewhat more humane. I gave her a tiny smack on the cheek, kissed her briefly on the spot after she shouted "Ouch" and got out of the car. The heat hit my face like hot fudge sauce. Like hot fudge sauce dripping onto my forehead, cheeks, and neck. Not the delicious kind of sauce though. We carried my boxes to my new room, which was further away than I had hoped. Then I said goodbye to Sienna after thanking her for her help and accompanied her back to the car park. I lightly pushed her into the car so she could head off to her own flat. ¡°Don¡¯t drive too far away from me, honey¡±, I said in a teasing voice and grinned at her. She stuck out her tongue and then she was gone. All of it in a blink of an eye.


    Back in my room, I closed the door, took a deep breath, and looked around. The room had a large wardrobe, two beds ¨C one on each side, and two large desks ¨C one in front of the windows and one next to the wardrobe. There was another small door on the left-hand side, which was open and obviously led to a small bathroom. I pushed myself away from the door, went to the window and opened it wide. From downstairs I could already hear the voices of many arriving students, who were either lugging boxes around like me, saying goodbye to their families or just standing around talking. I was glad that it had worked out that I was allowed to choose a room with a roommate. My father didn''t make many concessions to me, but I had fought for that. I didn''t want to be stuck in a big house with a big room on my own again. No, if I was going to study, then I wanted the whole program. The whole program of a slightly dirty boys-room, indicating a lazy neglect of it, with some chip¡¯s crumbs and untidied clothes, which would be hidden quickly when girlfriends visited. I grinned at those thoughts. But a roommate would mean that I would hopefully already have a friend without any trouble or - to be honest - without much effort. One friend might lead to another and another if I was lucky. The room was perfect so far, it wasn''t too big, it wasn''t too steely and perfect, it was exactly how I had imagined it. Holes in the walls and old bits of tape still stuck to the walls were evidence of previous occupants who hadn''t made the greatest effort to cover up these little blemishes. Or rather, no effort at all.

 Chapter 2 - two princesses in a room

    I must have dozed off, because when I woke up, my neck hurt, and the sun now looked warmly orange rather than brightly yellow. I rubbed my hair sleepily and yawned loudly. My laptop was hanging crookedly over my legs, the documentary on sugar substitutes in the food trend was still running. If I counted the length of the movie and added the timeslots of all the commercials in between, then I had slept for about an hour and a half. And that was on the first day. Wasn''t I supposed to be making friends? I shook my head to dispel the tiredness and stood up. "Well, Sleeping Beauty. I was about to kiss you awake, but your bad breath stopped me," said a gruff voice from the other side of the room. I flinched and almost dropped my laptop. A broadly grinning boy with long brown hair tied into a knot looked over at me, his laptop also on his lap and glasses perched on his nose. His light brown eyes flashed mischief, but he seemed very likeable. I grinned and shrugged my shoulders. "That''s how I keep them all at bay. Can''t everyone have a piece of this excellent cake," I said and made a gesture that included my body from top to bottom. He laughed and held out his hand to me but didn''t bother to stand up.


    "I''m Dennis. I''ve also been assigned to this room." To avoid some unspoken embarrassment, I closed the distance between us and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you, I¡¯m Elias. Yes, I came here today too, but must have dozed off. Didn''t even know I was tired." I grinned and immediately liked Dennis. "Yeah, I saw that haha. To be honest, I was a bit worried that I''d have a weirdo for a roommate, but you seem alright," he said and looked me up and down demonstratively. I rolled my eyes, but grinned. Then I pulled up a chair because I was too lazy to keep standing up and it was strange to talk to someone from above. "Have you had a chance to see the campus yet?" I asked, letting my gaze wander outside. Our room was on the second floor, so we had a pretty good view through the large double windows of the meadows in front of the building, which were interrupted only by small sandy paths and trees that provided shade for the students. Dennis put his computer aside, probably to fulfil the social etiquette of conversation. Or just because.


    "Nah, I came straight here. I was going to go ask for a campus plan, but got a bit distracted with the boring stuff." I raised an eyebrow. "I haven''t chosen my classes yet" he admitted meekly, rubbing his thighs as if he felt uncomfortable. I looked at him in disbelief. "School starts in a few days and you don''t know what you want to study yet? Then why are you even here?" My question sounded more incredulous and ironic than intended. Dennis rolled his eyes and pinched the sensitive spot between his eyebrows with his fingers. "Hmm, good question. I mainly wanted to get away from my parents, who want me to at least have a degree. No matter what, the main thing is university, or school in this case. I think they''re a bit keen on academic status," he said sarcastically, but his eyes sparkled. "Well, except maybe philosophy, where you end up in a museum or unemployed anyway, as my dad always used to say," he added with a smirk. "I can understand that very well, believe me. I decided to study business administration because my father was always nagging me about it. But I thought I''d make the best of it. Speaking of which," I gestured outside with my head.


    "Do you know if anything''s going on today?" Dennis laughed. "You''re hot for the university experience, aren''t you? I''ve already seen a few pretty girls," he looked at me conspiratorially. "If you have enough charm, maybe even one will say yes eventually." I looked at him and frowned. "Let''s leave it at that." He raised his hands. "Chill, that was just a joke. I hold women in very high regard. I love them," he pulled his laptop onto his lap, smiling again. "Let me finish this for a moment, then we can go on a tour together if you''re up for it."


    While I waited for Dennis, I opened WhatsApp and looked at a few pictures that Sienna had sent me of her apartment.


    Well, what do you think? Pretty, isn''t it?


    Her apartment was brightly furnished with large windows and light colors. A friendly smiling girl sat on the sofa in the picture and formed a peace sign with her fingers. Are people still doing that?


    Not as pretty as you. And not as pretty as my new roommate, I typed with a grin and unobtrusively took a photo of Dennis, which I then sent to her.


    Looks nice (wink wink smiley). Oh, and you suck-up hehe (kissing smiley).


    I put my cell phone in my pocket with a smile. Luckily, I never showed my chats to anyone. With others, I would have grimaced slightly in embarrassment at the obvious kitsch. But with Sienna it was easy, it was rather funny but in a very sweet way. I closed my eyes and imagined her soft hair and red lips. Just a little moment of escape. But before my thoughts could wander off in a rather naughty direction, Dennis rescued me. "Well, are you thinking about me? You''re a bit red in the face," my roommate joked and then theatrically closed the laptop. "I''m ready, shall we?" I nodded and stood up. "Nah, sorry, I''m already taken. But if that changes, I''ll let you know." I bit my lips and looked at him with an exaggerated lust for love. "Yeah yeah, I''ll wait for it," he snorted and held the door open for me. "I''m glad that we two princesses have found each other in these 18 square metres."


    As we walked along the corridors and down the stairs, more and more students came towards us, some looking around shyly and avoiding eye contact. But most were smiling, talking wildly or simply focused on finding their room numbers. We walked down the corridor and came into a large room with two decorative pillars holding up the ceiling in the middle. There were tables and benches with a modern design everywhere and many people were already sitting at them. Large doors at the end of the room let in the remaining afternoon light. "This should be the common room of Building C. We are building C, FYI" Dennis noted, studying the map on his phone that we had got online from the secretary''s office website shortly beforehand. "The grounds are quite large, there are actually buildings in the alphabet up to F. According to the plan, they are arranged in a circle. Here," he pointed behind us to the left-hand side, which was also visible from our room, "is the park. And there," he pointed to the right, "is the inner square between the buildings. Shall we go there? From there we can probably get to the canteen, the library and the sports field further back." I was glad that Dennis was taking this on board and followed him blindly. I was far too busy studying the faces of the young people around us, imagining what they were thinking on this first day, what they were looking forward to and whether they would be potential new friends. It was not like I was desperately looking for new friends or so, but I was kind of just trying to fit into a crowd of unknown somebodies.


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    When school started, I would even see Lina, Ian, and Sienna from time to time. But they all didn¡¯t live here ¨C Lina lived nearby in a shared flat, Ian had found a small apartment with Oscar and Sienna''s apartment was also a 20-minute drive away. It wasn¡¯t far, but far enough. "...the sports ground is also supposed to be quite big," said Dennis, looking at me meaningfully. "Excuse me?" I asked absentmindedly, looking at his map, his finger pointing straight at a large oval grass-green dot. "Do you play any sports?" he asked and kept walking. We walked out of one of the large swinging doors and stepped out onto a large forecourt, more like a courtyard. It was neatly paved and there were small artificial trees everywhere, surrounded by benches in a pentagon. Signs pointed to the buildings, the canteen and the library, which looked spacious, had big windows and showed many books piled up high. "I wonder why we need a library. The universities all have one anyway," I thought aloud.


    Then I remembered that I had left Dennis'' question unanswered. "Um, I swim and run. But I''m not really good at ball sports. I don''t like it that much either haha," I laughed nervously. "Oh, me neither. I''m not the sportiest, I''m more of a computer guy," he said with a dismissive wave of his hand and then nodded towards the library. "I don''t think all universities have their own. But I know that people from outside the dormitory are also allowed to use it." "Do they actually have an indoor swimming pool here?" I asked, my arms tingling as I thought longingly of the fresh water that awaited me every time I jumped into the cool pool, enveloping, and surrounding me like a secret to be kept and locked away inside. I loved swimming, it gave me the feeling of freedom, control over myself and my body and it made me feel every inch of myself through the cold touch of water. I also loved the silence that settled on my ears and in my head underwater. It was like a sanctuary, like my own little world that I didn''t have to share with anyone. And to be honest, it was probably also like my own little therapy session. I could think undisturbed, in peace and quiet. Which was by all means necessary every now and then. Dennis thought about it. "I think so, but there''s definitely a swimming club at the school. And it''s not far, a 15-minute walk and you''re already there. You seem to be a bit of a water rat, don''t you?" He poked me in the side, and I grinned. "If it fits, it fits.¡±


    The first evening passed uneventfully, we had looked around the entire residence halls and got an overview. It was much bigger than I had initially assumed. But to be honest, I didn''t want to know how much my father had paid for the rent. From the looks of it, it was unreasonably expensive to live here. "What did you decide on in the end?" I asked Dennis casually. We were sitting on two beanbags in a corner of the library, playing on our cell phones. I had wondered why we didn''t just want to chill in our room, but his arguments that we would only meet people outside the room and that our room didn''t have such cool beanbags had convinced me. I nibbled on a rubber snake and tried to protect my house from bloodthirsty zombies with sunflowers and shooting plants on my cell phone. "I took social sciences first to annoy my Dad a bit haha. But I''m definitely going to sign up for computer science too. I think that''s my baby." I nodded and had just mowed down a zombie when a high-pitched female voice behind us asked, "Hey, sorry you two." We turned our heads in anticipation of being sent out now that the library was closing. But there were only two girls standing there, grinning broadly. The blonde of the two stroked a strand of hair coquettishly behind her ear and then looked shyly at me. "My name is Max, and this is Maya," she pointed to her friend, a pretty, dark-haired girl, who now waved slightly and also smiled. "Hi," Maya and we said at the same time.


    Max bit her lip. "Well, we saw you here and thought maybe we''d ask if you had any plans for tomorrow night?" I exchanged a glance with Dennis. He was obviously keen on the invitation because his eyes were sparkling, and the corners of his mouth twitched. Before I could say anything, he was already nodding his head exaggeratedly. "Do you have something specific in mind?" I continued to nibble on my rubber snake. Max on her part continued to look at me, although she answered in Dennis'' direction: "There''s a party in building B tomorrow. We live there and have been invited. They say you can let anyone who wants to come know. As the school hasn''t started yet, the supervisors aren''t so strict about curfews and stuff. Would you like to come?" A slight raise of the eyebrows indicated her slight uncertainty. I smiled and tried to make it seem friendly but reserved. I didn''t want to send any signals because Max seemed to be interested in me. At least that''s what I assumed from the look on her face. "Sure, we''re looking forward to it. Thanks for letting us know," said Dennis. "Oh, by the way, my name is Dennis, and my handsome roommate here," his hand made a wagging motion towards me, "is Elias." "Nice name," Max said quietly and grinned. She didn''t really seem that shy, even though she pretended to be, and I didn''t quite know how to respond. "Ahh thanks," I said weakly.


    "Dude, she totally fancied you there, did you see how red she got at the end?" Dennis joked to me when they had left, clapping me on my shoulder. I just grimaced, pulled out my cell phone and texted Sienna.


    Hey, how are you? Have you finished everything for your apartment already?


    "But maybe you should subtly let her know that you already have a girlfriend haha. It is a girlfriend, isn''t it?" he asked me with a quick sideways glance, slight irony in his voice. "Yeah, sure, what else?" I asked absent-mindedly. "Well, you never know," he said, but then went back to thinking about the two girls. "But I thought the other one was cute, what was her name.... Maya, right?" He was still talking to himself, but I was already thinking about someone else. Sienna. Even though we''d only seen each other this morning, it seemed strange not to see her. I didn''t know if it was a feeling of missing her. I was also used to seeing her every day. We were from the same town, lived less than 10 minutes¡¯ walk away and used to go to the same school. Sienna was always there; she was my best friend and my person. We knew each other inside out and always knew what the other was thinking and feeling. Presumably even before we knew it ourselves. It sounded annoyingly cheesy like a story in a romance book. But Sienna had been my first best friend back then, Sienna and her brother. "Yo, where are you again? Daydreamer, aren''t you?" Dennis said, holding the door to the apartment building open for me. "Sorry, I always think a lot. I''m just very intelligent," I joked.

 Chapter 3 - a little bubble in the big party

    Good morning, darling. Sorry, I had a movie night with the girls yesterday and then fell asleep on the couch. Yes, we''ve gotten to know each other well, I''ve already cleared everything out, you know me (wink wink smiley). How are you? Is your new flat mate cool? And what''s the dorm like? XX


    I quickly typed a reply and then put the phone in my bag. Today I wanted to go to the swimming pool and buy a few things for school. It was already mid-morning when I set off and took the same route as yesterday. There wasn''t as much hustle and bustle today. Although students were still arriving, the official first day in the hall of residence had been yesterday. I went to the forecourt and looked for a bus that would take me to the schools¡¯ swimming pool. As I''d found out yesterday, the dormitory and the university with the school shared the swimming pool, which was near the campus and a bit away from the dorm. I had already known that when I had to choose a school months ago. But I hadn''t considered the swimming pool back then. A mistake, as I now realized when I got off the bus after 15min. The hall that was now in front of me was huge, and from the outside I could already see through the large windows that it was divided into several areas inside. On the left were around eight 25-meter lanes, in which some people were already swimming. To the right was a kind of partition wall, which also had windows. Behind the wall, I could see a bit of the fun-and-family-area. Palm trees, slides and whirlpools with already many children screaming in delight. Of course, I could barely hear them and rather imagined it. As I walked towards the entrance, I could already smell the familiar and for me pleasant smell of chlorine. The smell and the slight dampness in the air that surrounded me as I walked in brought back many memories. My father, swimming next to me and urging me on while I tried to swim with my little child arms and paddle with my little child feet. My coach, blowing his loud whistle to signal the start, as I jumped headfirst into the cool water and tensed every muscle. My friends, with whom I often relaxed in the outdoor pool in summer, as we splashed each other wet and dived under, or simply lay in the sun and enjoyed the atmosphere of light-heartedness. What a time back then.


    "Can I help you?" asked me a nice-looking middle-aged lady with big brown glasses and tousled light brown curls. I flinched lightly. She smiled and raised her eyebrows questioningly. "I''d like to find out about training opportunities. Do you have any offers for the students?" She nodded and wiggled her fingers in search of the right flyer. "You would have to apply directly at the university to the relevant swimming club. But here is some information about other prices, opening times and rules. If you apply for the swimming club at the university and are accepted, you will also pay for your membership there, get a card and you can use it to come here at any time." ¡°Is it the same club from the school?¡± I asked. She smiled understandingly. ¡°Yes, I know, many people think of the university and the school interchangeably. But the school is only a part of the whole university, so all clubs officially belong to the university.¡± I nodded and thanked her. Then I pocketed the flyer. I would have loved to go swimming right now; the smell and the warmth had captivated me again. But I hadn''t brought my swimming gear and actually wanted to go buy some things before Dennis and I went to the party later.


    "Well, how do you think I look?" Dennis asked me, turning in front of the mirror that hung on the inside of our closet. He was wearing a white shirt and a dark blue sweater over it. His hair was tied back in a neat knot, and he was wearing dark blue jeans with black shoes. "Hmm, looking good", I muttered, glancing at my phone.


    You''re going to a party? How cool, then have fun and tell me how it was later.


    I looked at the message from Sienna and couldn''t help but shake off the feeling that she was worried. Normally, Sienna wasn''t the type to be worried or even jealous when I went to parties or otherwise had fun. But she usually knew the people I was involved with. To be honest, it was usually just her, Lina, Oscar, or Ian.


    I probably won''t be there for long anyway. I''m pretty tired.


    I thought about writing more, but honestly didn''t know what. I wasn''t even lying about being tired. But since we''d said yes to the party yesterday, I didn''t want to let Dennis down. "Let''s go then," I said, got up and went to the bathroom. A short time later, I had tamed my hair strands a little with gel and put on a pair of dark gray jeans and a black shirt. It was the first outfit I could grab from my not-yet-unpacked suitcase. I had no idea if it was suitable for a party and no intention of further thinking about it. We set off and I was a little nervous but didn''t quite know what to make of it. "How cool, man. Our first Uni party," Dennis said, grinning with his tongue between his teeth and slapping me on the shoulder. We heard the music and felt the bass even before we opened the doors to building complex B. The beat got under my skin and into my bones and I involuntarily started to nod my head slightly. We walked in and the lighting was sparse. A few students were already standing in the corridor, talking, or making out. We walked past them and saw the large room, the common room, from a distance. Flickering colorful lights, not as fast as strobes, but close enough, were coming towards us. Blue, red, green, and yellow flashed across the walls and the faces of the students. The entire room was completely filled, and everyone was either huddled to the sides clutching their cups or already dancing exuberantly on the dance floor. A babble of voices, laughter and loud music battled it out. No one won and no one lost the fight. It was a loud, confused mixture and I liked it. I grabbed two hopefully clean cups from one of the tables that had been pushed to the sides and now served as a makeshift bar, filled with bottles upon bottles of alcohol, soft drinks, and other undefinable liquids. I grabbed a bottle of something and poured us both a drink.


    "Yeah, man. Thanks," Dennis shouted at me and emptied his cup immediately. Okay, apparently it really was party time today. I sipped and grimaced. Tequila. I didn''t like tequila. I quickly mixed myself some lemonade to mask the taste. Two friends pushed past us and bumped into us slightly. But it didn''t bother me one bit. The energy in here was great, people were immersed in the spectacle of flashes of light and music, dancing wildly or as if in a trance and everyone was having fun. It was exhilarated and just a certain kind of freedom. Apparently, I wasn''t the only one who didn''t know what to wear. Some wore shirts and dresses; some others wore jeans and hoodies. But none of them really seemed out of place. I didn''t really know that at all. At parties at high school, in the nightclub or at house parties, there had always been people who felt uncomfortable, who you could tell didn''t enjoy it, that they didn''t feel so free. They would then stand on the sidelines, clutching their cups for help and would be the first to leave. But it was a different atmosphere here. We walked along the edge of the improvised dancefloor, pushing past a few groups and individuals with no real destination. "Look," Dennis suddenly called out to me. "There they are," he pointed into the crowd, and it took me a moment to spot Max and Maya. They were also standing not far away from us on the other side of the dance floor, moving slightly to the music. Their movements didn''t match the rhythm, but they seemed to be having fun. Dennis pulled me along by the wrist and shortly afterwards he tapped Max on the shoulder. They looked at us and grinned. "Well, how nice that you''re here," I could just make out. Max slurred her words slightly, she seemed to have had quite a bit to drink. Maya seemed completely absent-minded and continued to move around with her eyes closed.


    This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.


    We chatted briefly, then we danced. And by dancing, I really meant dancing. With every new song and every new beat in our chests, we moved differently - our little bubble part of the big party. The beat was moving from the music bar, onto the floor, over my feet and into my bones. It wasn¡¯t really a choice to move to the music, it just happened by itself. It was fun, so much fun. I didn''t know how much time had passed as I made my way back to the bar. The lights, the music, the sounds and smells, everything wafted as one big mass, one big experience in my head. I had goose bumps, even though it wasn''t cold. On the contrary, sweat was running down my neck, chest, and arms. But it wasn''t unpleasant, it was ecstatic. At the bar, I mixed myself the same drink as before and stood to the side for a moment, continuing to watch the people. I had left Dennis behind, he was with Maya and Max, although I couldn''t make them out from here. I nodded my head slightly to the rhythm and sipped from my cup. My eyelids drooped a little, but it wasn''t the alcohol or the tiredness, I believed. It just felt right in this atmosphere. Like if I wasn¡¯t part of it if I didn''t look like I was enjoying it. I didn''t really know what to do with myself for a moment, so I decided to get some fresh air. Slightly dazed, I walked back the way I had come from ¨C for how long? - when I finally found the door to the building complex. It was cool outside, but not unpleasant. A light breeze increased my goose bumps and got under my shirt. A few people, some alone, some in pairs or small groups, were standing outside talking to each other, smoking or just enjoying the fresh air, I assumed. I stood against a wall near the door and continued to sip my cup. It felt so good. "Hey there, just arrived today too?" a male voice asked me, and I saw a smiling boy walking towards me, another one walking next to him. He was smiling too but was distractedly typing on his cell phone. I was a little taken aback by the sudden change from alcoholic silence in my head to conversation with strangers. "Uhh, yeah, I mean no. I came yesterday, like most people."


    He bumped his cup against mine. "My name''s Calum. I''m a school friend of Dennis''s. You''re in a room with him, aren''t you?" I was completely surprised and just nodded. "Yeah, we met yesterday. Um," I said unimaginatively, "how do you know that?" Calum grinned and took a generous swig from his cup. "I was chatting to him yesterday. And also, I saw you both earlier." Sure, that sounded logical. A very brief moment of silence reminded me of the next step in the conversation. "Ah sorry, my name is Elias." I nodded to both him and the other one, who introduced himself briefly as Alan. "Oh, don''t take it personally. He''s just writing with his new girlfriend, it''s probably still honeymoon time," he said with a laugh and poked Alan in the side. He just grumbled, but kept his eyes glued to his cell phone. "What do you think so far?" he then asked me, probably to keep the conversation going. I shrugged my shoulders and looked around. "Well, I haven''t seen much so far. I''m curious about the school, but I also wanted to see what they offer in terms of activities and stuff. Went to the swimming pool today..." "Wait! Are you a swimmer?" he interrupted me, raising his eyebrows. "Um, yes," I said hesitantly, as if I was being tested, unsure of the result. But it seemed positive because Calum gave me both thumbs up. "That''s mega, Alan and I are swimmers too. I actually run the swim team since last year. So be kind to me," he winked at me conspiratorially, "and maybe I can turn a blind eye to your try-outs." I looked at him challengingly. "Who says I need your eyes closed?" But I laughed to emphasize that I only meant it as a joke and then grinned. "That''s great! A bit too much of a coincidence meeting you here now, but I take it haha. I definitely wanted to be put up for the team. But if you''re team captain, then you''ve been here longer?" Calum leaned against the wall next to me, then stroked his dark mid-length hair and sipped from his cup again. "I''ve been at Uni for two years; I skipped a grade back then so I''m a bit early." He blushed slightly, as if he was uncomfortable admitting it. "But well, anyway, I''ve been swimming for over ten years, so I joined the team straight away. But I''m warning you, it''s not that easy to get in," the mischief in his eyes belied his words. "The tryouts will be soon, but they are only for the selection of the team members. If you want to know more about the swimming club in general and the school, then you should definitely come to our booth."


    "Your booth? Do you have something like an office?" "No, our stand. Don''t tell me you haven''t heard about the university''s introductory event?" He looked at me in disbelief as I shook my head. "As I said, I''ve only been here since yesterday. I haven''t had much chance to get organized yet." He waved me off. "It doesn''t matter, but you have to come. It''s THE event at the start of the university year. It''s always two weeks after the start of university and school, so you can get a feeling for the courses and stuff before and then ask questions and join clubs and so on. But the real events", he winked at me, "consists of a mix of parties and small festivals. It¡¯s gonna be real fun. I even went to a silent disco once," he laughed. "But of course, there¡¯ll also be academic events, stands and offers. It''s pretty cool." He shook his head with a grin at the memory. "You''ll definitely find something for yourself and everyone comes there. You just have to register in advance. Then you''ll also get a nice ribbon haha. It''s definitely worth it." He nodded significantly and took another big sip. We talked for a while about studying and the swimming team. Calum studied history and economics at the university and the team was like his free time baby. After a while, he closed the conversation by saying that he needed to give Alan a little more alcohol so that he could get off his cell phone. A moment later, I was alone again. I enjoyed the fresh air for a short while without noticing who came and went. Then I made my way back to the dance floor.

 Chapter 4 - melting vanilla ice cream

    "It''s really nice here, you seem to have settled in well already, don''t you?" said Sienna, squinting her eyes against the sun. I licked off a drop of the vanilla ice cream that was running down my hand. The chocolate had already been completely nibbled away, leaving only the slowly but steadily melting white filling behind. "Hm, the people here are really nice. And you met Dennis briefly." Sienna nodded. She had come to visit unexpectedly this morning. I had jumped out of bed, overwhelmed, after reading her message. I''d completely forgotten about our date and jumped half-dead into the shower, thrown on jeans and a T-shirt and then hurried downstairs to scrounge a coffee in the canteen, which would mask any remaining mental residue with caffeine. We hadn''t been in bed until around five, as Dennis and I had been walking around the grounds for a while. He hadn''t noticed my haste in the morning and only woke up when we knocked, and I introduced Sienna to my disheveled but friendly roommate. "What an honor," he had joked, and they had chatted briefly. But then I''d pulled Sienna out with me to give Dennis his space and we''d grabbed an ice cream at the supermarket near the dorm. Now we were sitting by the river, which ran 10 minutes'' walk behind the dorm, dangling our legs over the wall that bordered an embankment, which in turn ran into the riverbed. The sun was shining particularly brightly today, as if it was teasing me that I had clearly had too little sleep and not yet had enough coffee. "I''m really happy for you," Sienna said and smiled at me.


    It seemed genuine and yet there was something in her gaze that I couldn''t interpret. I leaned forward and kissed her. Her lips were warm and covered with a strawberry-tasting coolness. She returned the kiss, but then she laughed and pulled away. "The ice cream will end up in our laps." As if to demonstrate, she licked several drops from her fingers. I bit my lips, grinned at her, and then returned to my ice cream. "You have to understand, I already have withdrawal from you." Her smile narrowed and her brown eyes darkened. "I feel the same way. I mean, it''s crazy, we just saw each other recently. But I used to see you every day and I miss that. I haven''t seen Lina, Oscar, and Ian yet either, they''re all busy with their own preparations, I know that. But it''s still just strange." "I think that will change when university starts. Then we''ll see each other more often," I said reassuringly, watching a boat that was whizzing past us far too loudly for such a small engine. "I know," she sighed. "The girls in my apartment are really nice too. I just have to get used to it. And it''s just weird with everything you know?" I knew what she meant but I still felt like there was more to that. I rubbed her arm and she looked into my eyes. She sighed. "Do you remember what tomorrow is?" There it was. Now it was out. Now I knew why her voice was slightly muffled, her eyes a darker color than usual and her mouth slightly downturned, even though she always tried to hide her negative feelings from me. I never liked it, but that was the way she was. I gritted my teeth. "Yeah, I know what tomorrow is. Are you going to call?" She hunched her shoulders as if she was unsure.


    "I''d like to, but it''s getting stranger and stranger. It feels more like a burden. It makes me feel sick easily and I don''t really know what to say." My heart beat faster and I thought about what to say. I took her hand and squeezed it. Sienna always felt that way when her brother came up as a topic. And to be honest, it wasn''t just her. Oliver wasn''t a topic of conversation that we brought up often, let alone easily. We usually avoided it, even though we both knew it was weighing heavily on both of our minds. And had been for so long. But Sienna didn''t know that I felt the same way. She hardly had any contact with him anymore, as he had joined the army as a teenager, then went abroad to study and was now working in Switzerland. I only knew that he sometimes contacted her parents so that they didn''t worry too much. But Sienna always tended to stay on the sidelines, away from him. I knew how much that hurt her, after all, he was her only brother. But so much had happened and occurred that he was and remained a part of our shared past. A part that hurt but was still there. Like a wound that was covered with a cheap bandage but never healed properly. "I''d give him a call, maybe he''d be happy to hear from you." I said unconvincingly. She nodded and looked at her ice cream. It had already melted so much that half her hand was covered in a pink, watery mass. But she didn''t seem to mind. She made no effort to wipe it away either. "I miss us," she then breathed. I knew what she meant.


    The time a few years ago when things were still uncomplicated. A time long ago that still lingered in our memories like a snapshot, like many snapshots. "Me too." I leaned my forehead against her temple and for a while we didn¡¯t move as our ice cream dripped from our hands onto the stones of the wall beneath our legs. It was an undisturbed moment. Until suddenly a voice from behind startled us slightly. "Hey, Elias. How are you? Have you recovered from last night yet?" Max came up to us, Maya not in tow this time. She was wearing large sunglasses - a good decision - and a dress that was far too short and thin for this late summer day, which was warm but not hot enough for such a dress. She smiled and came towards us. Then she squeezed my shoulder and looked at me meaningfully. Sienna looked at her suspiciously and waited. I made an awkward movement with my hand, which wasn''t soaked in ice, between the two of them and introduced them. "Max, Sienna - Sienna, Max." The two looked at each other briefly but seemed subdued. "I assume you know each other from the dorm?" Sienna asked, putting her popsicle stick aside. I nodded. "Yes, but we''re from different buildings. There was that party yesterday that I told you about. We saw each other there too." "And he''s a pretty good dancer," Max joked, nudging my shoulder. I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly and looked apologetically at Sienna. "Yes, I''ve noticed that I can dance quite well to techno." Sienna raised an eyebrow and said nothing. "Well then, I won''t bother you both any further. But it was nice to meet you," she gave us - mainly me - a quick wave and then walked on. Sienna looked after her thoughtfully. "Does she know you have a girlfriend?" The question was superfluous, as Max had just met us together. I nodded anyways and blew a strand of hair out of my eyes. "I told her yes." Sienna narrowed her eyes slightly. "I see, so that was necessary to tell her specifically? You fell for a trick question, my dear," she poked me in the stomach with her finger and then jumped off the wall. "Not fair," I said with mock offense, collected our popsicle sticks and jumped off the wall too. "But let''s be honest, she wants something from you," Sienna then said and looked after Max again, who was already turning the corner in the distance. "Come on, she''s just flirting." Sienna looked at me scrutinizingly. "And you?" I shook my head. "I really wouldn''t have taken you for the jealous type. You know me," I said affectionately and kissed her cheek. She smiled. "Well, this is uncharted territory now, who knows?" She pulled me close and kissed me with some pressure on my mouth. Before I could return it, however, she broke away from me and looked deep into my eyes. "I know you''re all yours. But you''re mine, okay?" I grinned and licked the tip of her nose. "Sure, I do. No one wants to mess with you anyway."


    Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.


    We spent the rest of the day walking around town, at least the part that was close to the dorm. Although I could sense that Sienna was still a little tense, I tried to cheer her up with a few lame jokes, an anecdote about Ian trying to change a tire last year and failing miserably, and a bit of sightseeing since we''d barely been to this part of the city. "You''re a really good boyfriend, you know. You''re sweet, kind, funny, and most of all," she grinned at me with a cheeky twinkle in her eye, "you''re incredibly sexy. I mean, those cute dimples on your cheeks? To die for." She raised her eyebrows in playful admiration and I then ruffled her hair. "Hey," she called out and tried to tap me on the shoulder. But I dodged and then started to run. "I''ll get you," Sienna called from behind. My sneakers weren''t comfortable enough to run like that, but it felt great. Like running away from your worries with just yourself and the wind in your hair and, to sound even cheesier, with the girl you love chasing behind you. "Waaaaiiit," I gasped out of breath, raising a hand to call a truce. "You win, you''re the best," I said, making a surprised noise as she grabbed my hair with both hands. But instead of pulling it to tease me, she pulled my head towards her and pressed her lips to mine. I was far too out of breath to fully participate, but she didn''t seem to mind. While I gasped for air every now and then, she just played with my tongue and kissed my lips, kissed the sides of my mouth, and nibbled on my lower lip. I''m not going to lie; it really turned me on. And I really couldn''t understand how this girl could run like hell, but then be completely calm when she was doing something that absolutely required breathing. "Please don''t die!" laughed Sienna after she pulled back. The kiss had felt like a pleasant eternity and we both blushed instantly. "Let''s go and have some more of this," I said, grabbing her hand. I knew where we should go at that moment. Or at least where I wanted to go for sure. And that''s how we ended up in the last row of seats in a movie theater in a movie I couldn''t remember at the end. But it was definitely worth spending 15 euros on. Sienna''s lips and hands were simply priceless.


    "I¡®m sure you''ll get through the first semester just fine if you work hard and stay on the ball," Mr. Sanders said just then, looking at us urgently over the rim of his surprisingly blue and surprisingly stylish glasses. He was still very young for a professor, perhaps in his early thirties. His dark brown wavy hair went down to his ears. He kept brushing it back, which could be an annoying habit, but you soon got used to it. I''d been sitting in the lecture hall for two hours now, no bigger than a classroom, but each row of seats a little higher than the last. "He''s pretty hot, isn''t he?" a girl next to me joked, grinning playfully at me. I blinked in surprise and then nodded. Yes, he did look pretty good. Objectively speaking, of course. The lecture wasn''t too full, there were maybe twenty-five of us students. Which surprised me since it was the first day. It wasn''t long before Mr. Sanders closed the block with the words: "I''ll see you again on Thursday. Don''t be late, the introduction to Business Analytics won''t wait for you if you''ve forgotten your coffee." His half-hearted joke was drowned out by the rustling of twenty-five young people gathering their things and then heading for the door in a semi-wild jumble. "I''m glad not all our professors are that old," the girl from a moment ago chortled to me again. I was surprised that she was now the third person to approach me out of nowhere. But apparently that was the way it was at university. And I had always considered myself open-minded and outgoing. I seemed like a church mouse in comparison. "My name''s Alva," she said, grinning wryly at me. I smiled back. "Elias. Are you only in this class or are there others?" She pushed a bright red curl behind her ears. "I''ve taken a few individual courses; my main focus is actually art history. But since I''d like to start my own business as an art consultant, I thought a few entrepreneurship courses wouldn''t hurt." I was surprised. Judging by her flashy appearance - red curly hair, bright blue eyes, and thoroughly colorful clothes - artist suited her well. But corporate courses? "Don''t judge a book by its cover," she said, giving me a scrutinizing but amused look. I blushed and quickly gathered my books together. "What do you have next?" she asked, and we stood up and walked out into the corridor together in silent agreement about our new acquaintance. "I have a short break and then Introduction to Statistics," my tone had changed at the end of the sentence, becoming more plaintive. I didn''t like statistics. No one did. Really no one. "But I''ll sign up for the swim team later. What about you?" She looked at her schedule and shrugged. "Art in the course of time."

 Chapter 5 - a thousand tiny drops of water

    "It was soooo boring," I complained on my cell phone as I walked towards the swimming pool. "Who the hell came up with the idea that statistics could be important?" Sienna let me whine while I could hear her typing on keys in the background. "Oh, you''ll manage. It''s only one course and it won''t go on forever." "But my studies involve so much math. Why?" Sienna didn''t answer. She didn''t need to. We both knew I was mainly doing this for my dad. I wanted to study, he wanted to determine what I studied. It was as simple as that. Wasn''t it? "Now concentrate on lane swimming. You want to be a shark and not a fish, don''t you?" I laughed and stepped into the tropical warmth of the pool. "You''re right. Why are you always right?" Sienna made a noise like she was amused, and we hung up. Swimming. One of the things I was really good at. One of the things I always enjoyed, no matter what mood I was in. Swimming. I had already signed up for the tryout session at university, so I was waved through without any problems. The lady at the counter recognized me and winked at me. "Good luck, sweetheart." The pool hall wasn''t too full, but the sounds of water hitting bodies, footsteps pattering on the wet floor and loud talking and laughing echoed off the walls. I wrapped my towel around my arm and looked for the team. A group of young swimmers shouldn''t be too hard to find.


    While I was groping across the almost slippery floor in my squeaky flip-flops, I caught a glimpse further back of dark blonde mid-length hair that was still dry and then revealed a familiar face that I had only recently met. "Hey, drinking buddy," I said as I reached the eight or so swimmers and punched the team leader lightly on the shoulder. "Please don''t say that so loudly," Calum said, half seriously half-jokingly, grinning at me. I bit my lips and nodded, throwing my towel behind me on the bench and clutching my goggles. "When do we start?" He looked at a sheet in his hand. "Well, we''re still waiting for three more. But I think we can start slowly. We''ll assess you all individually today anyway." I nodded, put on my goggles, and got in line behind a boy who was a little shorter than I. He shook out his shoulders and then got ready when it was his turn. He jumped and I went to my designated place - the starting block. I stood on it, stretched my arms again and got ready. I tensed my legs, the right one slightly forward, both bent, and my arms brought together to form my body position. Then I jumped. I pushed off with all my strength, feeling a beautiful curve in my body, which immediately dissolved again as soon as I broke the surface of the water, splitting it into thousands of tiny drops of water, like shattered glass. The trick was not to work against the water but with it. The silence around me was all that filled me. I slowly emptied my lungs, resurfaced after what felt like an eternity and made a few slow but strong-arm swimming strokes, and then the familiar movements were all I could think about. First the right arm, then the left, then the right again, then the left again. One after the other and with every fourth arm swing, I turned my head to the side and filled my lungs with air. The water was like a cool wetness that tickled me. I could feel my muscles tensing and relaxing with every movement and it felt so good to be able to feel my full body strength again, from the cool part of my hairline to my last toe. It had been too long since I had done any training in the pool. The summer break had made me lazy and now I realized that I was a little out of shape and my fitness had suffered. But I loved working out and kept going. After about six rounds - I hadn''t really counted - I looked around and saw that the last ones of the group were already doing their rounds and would soon be finished. So, I pushed myself up on the edge and walked towards the others, dripping wet. Calum gave me a pat on the shoulder and grinned. "You''re a machine, I knew you''d do it," he added, writing something onto the list on his clipboard and then showed it to me. "I''ve entered you as one of the fastest, so we''ll divide the lanes according to speed and ability during training. Congratulations!" He winked at me, and I tousled my hair with a grin. Training was over quickly, and we decided to go to a caf¨¦ together to talk and get to know each other better. As far as I could tell, everyone at training today had made the team and so, after showering and getting dressed, we went as a group to the nearest caf¨¦, which was between the swimming pool and the university.


    "Yo, dude, where did you learn to swim like that", asked me a broad-shouldered brunette guy that went by the name Tobias. He glared at me with something that I would in this context call fascination and a sprinkle of humor, while sucking on his milkshake straw. "Uh", I said a bit too dispassionate, "my dad taught me when I was younger. I just enjoyed it and I guess I never stopped." I laughed a bit uncomfortably. I didn¡¯t like to be stared at by 10 mostly good-looking guys waiting for a more satisfactory answer. "I mean, I don¡¯t have the best relationship with my dad, but swimming is one of the things that connects us. Or rather connected" I was squirming and started to drink my beer, hoping the alcohol would make me less tense. "Come on, guys. This is no deep confession session. Keep it light", joked Calum and cheered with his drink. "I agree, Elias has the potential to become the new star of the sharks team. But you all performed well today. Congrats, I''m proud of you." There was a general murmur of approval. Then Tobias said: "I know, everyone hates that, but let¡¯s do a short introduction. I still know no names." Calum nodded at this suggestion. The group was starting to say their names, but I could only pay half of my possible attention span. This situation reminded me so much of my friends at home that I had a weird heavy feeling somewhere near my stomach area. Or was it my bellybutton area? I usually wasn¡¯t the type of guy to miss home much, or at all, but I knew that those people knew me for real. I wouldn¡¯t have to learn new names, put on a face which is usually considered polite and kind when meeting new people. I could be grumpy with my friends without seeming like an asshole. Gosh, maybe I should tell them from time to time.


    In the end, I could remember exactly four names - Tobias, Matteo, August, and Juan. And Calum, of course. Including me, there were eleven of us, which I thought was quite a small group for a swim team. The other names were either too complicated or too unimpressive for me, but I relied on the fact that I would soon know them by heart out of habit. We stayed for a while, talking about swimming teams from previous years, the courses everyone was studying and about other stuff that my brain successfully eliminated later. As I was winding down more and more, I decided to say goodbye. I couldn''t take any more and after two beers on an empty stomach I already had a heavy head. While I was walking home, I fumbled out my phone, tipped something that appeared to be muscle memory by my fingers because my head was definitely not fast enough to follow when there was already a very familiar and beautiful light voice on my ear. "Elias, you okay?" Sienna sounded worried which made me smile. Not her worries but her caring for me. "Yes, I was at the swimming training. They called me the new superstar", I giggled a bit and Sienna snorted. "You¡¯re drunk, aren¡¯t you?" I nodded and added "yes" when I realized she couldn¡¯t see me. "The boys and I went for drinks and holy shit I cannot hold my alcohol on an empty stomach." She laughed a bit. "Well, its good training for Uni life, isn¡¯t it?" I didn¡¯t answer and I walked in silence for a bit. "Should I come over tomorrow and visit you?" "No, that¡¯s okay. I will come to you this time. I want to visit my parents anyway and its close by then. Next week, after this event I told you about, school and swim training will start for real and then I probably won¡¯t have as much time." Sienna took a deep breath which sounded like she was sucking the air away from the phone. "You sound sad, you¡¯re usually not like that. I thought you¡¯d be glad to leave home.¡° I shrugged, again realizing that she could neither see my face nor my gestures. "I know, and I feel stupid and totally overprivileged to say this, but I am now realizing that I am growing up and it¡¯s just something I have to get used to."


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    "You know, you¡¯re really handsome", Sienna said while brushing her long slim fingers through my very light blonde hair. I was resting my head on her lap while watching some trash tv together. Earlier this morning I went by her place. She quickly showed me around and it was a very pretty but not too big apartment. Her roommates were not at home so we could have some alone-time resulting in eating vegan chocolate brownie fudge ice cream on the sofa and her running her fingers alternately between my facial lines and my hair strands. "I know", I said jokingly and just enjoyed her touch on my head. Having my eyes closed I could not see her facial expression, but she gently touched my forehead with her lips and said: "I am very glad you¡¯re here. I know you¡¯ll be very busy and me too when my courses start. But still." I opened my eyes and looked into hers, looking for something that would tell me her feelings. Her love and warmth were sparklingly dancing in her eyes while their shape changed when she smiled. "I love you." Those three words sounded so simple, and I had heard them so many times before from her lips. But she wasn¡¯t wasteful with them and when she¡¯d say those words, she¡¯d mean them. I formed my lips slowly and intensely to a smile. "I love you too." Then I put my hand on the back of her neck and pulled her towards me.


    Her lips tasted like chocolate and desire left with a tiny sprinkle of coldness from the ice cream that has already melted long ago. The mix of hot and cold gave me chills and I opened my lips which she quickly accepted. With a slight moan of hers that went directly from where our lips touched through my chest further down while leaving a trace of hotness like hot wax running down on the side of a candle, I lifted myself up and put both of my hands around her face. She smelled so good, a mix of orange and cinnamon. I never got to know how she could mix those two scents which always gave me a small hint of Christmas without smelling confusing in summertime. I released her lips just to give her little wafer-thin kisses on the sides of her throat, down her neck to the tender spot where the soft part meets the hard slender collarbone. To tease her, I take the strap of her top between my teeth and slowly run it down her shoulder while running my tongue lightly over her skin. A very slight salty taste mingled with the already mixed sensations of my senses. Sienna moaned and pulled me closer to her. "Not here," she then said, reluctantly detaching herself from me and pulling me to my feet. "I don''t want them to come back and see us." She pulls me by the hand to her bedroom and then closes the door behind us. She pushes me onto her cream-colored soft bed and sits on top of me. Then in one swift movement she removed her top and started kissing my neck. I realized that I had really missed this and didn''t let her keep me in suspense for long. I turned us both around, undid her zipper and kissed her stomach. I played with her belly button piercing with my tongue and her light moans spurred me on. Once her pants and the rest of her clothes were on the floor, I worked my lips up from her feet, further up her legs and higher. When I arrived between her legs, she moaned in anticipation, but I grinned, breathed a light breath of air on her sensitive area and then leaned over her. "We''ve got time!" Sienna rolled her eyes.


    "I''m sure your parents want to spend a little bit of time with you too." I gave her an annoyed look. "Please don''t bring up my parents in a situation like this." She laughed, pulled me on top of her and began to undress me. After we had tortured each other long enough, I settled down between her legs and we both groaned as the moment we had both been waiting for finally arrived. Having sex with Sienna was a change of rapid heartbeats, waves of heat all over my body, goosebumps on every centimeter and tingling everywhere. And at the same time, it was so familiar, a feeling of intimacy that you can only build up over a long time, a connection that you have to earn. Her body, her smell, her presence was so familiar to me that it felt like I was at home with Sienna. And where she was, there was the familiarity, the connection that I wanted. "I love you," she said against my lips as we kissed again and again.


    We were just dozing, my fingers stroking slowly and repeatedly up and down her shoulder, her back, while she laid in my arms, when suddenly I heard the turning of a key in the door. I was startled. "Is that your roommates?"

 Chapter 6 - The kind of friendship where you know the other person better than yourself

    I clutched the sheet around my hips and felt my breathing quicken. Of course, it didn''t matter if she saw us, but it was awkward. I didn''t want to get to know her roommates like this. Between door and door. Naked.


    "Was it good?" came the surprising question. Sienna was caught off guard and opened her eyes. Her roommate laughed and then chuckled: "It''s fine, I''ll leave you to it. But tell me later what it was like."


    "He''s my boyfriend, that''s a bit weird," Sienna then remarked.


    I still wasn''t quite sure if everyone was aware of my presence in the room or not. I paused, my heart pounding, my breath caught in my throat. "Oh nonsense, then it''s all the more interesting, you have to share some thoughts, please. Where else is a woman supposed to learn how good sex can be?" Sienna didn''t answer, just looked skeptically at the door where the bright voice came from. "But I don''t want my sex life to be a book of advice," Sienna then said and sat up, taking care to wrap the thin comforter around her so that her slender body was just barely covered with all the important zones. Not that anyone would have minded, I was sure. Just to cover up some of the awkwardness that was in the air between all three of us.


    "Well, we certainly won''t learn anything from books and porn," her roommate said resignedly, but slowly closed the door. "See you later, sweetie," she said, and the door was closed.


    Sienna and I exhaled at the same time. "My goodness, I haven''t been this aware of my nakedness for a long time," I chuckled quietly and quickly gathered my things. Sneaking out of Sienna''s apartment wasn''t that difficult, as her roommate had jumped straight into the shower and, according to Sienna, "would really take forever, no kidding".


    The walk to my parents'' house wasn''t too far, no more than another 10 minutes. As I walked along the gravel-covered path to the door, still lined with dried up lavender bushes, I looked at the lawn, which no longer looked quite so green and which Mom had probably given up watering. Otherwise, everything looked the same. As if I had taken myself out as a puzzle piece, placed it somewhere else and now added it back in. Still fitting, still a picture, still me. But well, did I really expect to change much in two weeks?


    I snorted at my own youthful naivety and rang the bell. Only a few seconds later, the door was opened, and I looked into the blue-green eyes of my father that were slightly hidden behind black-framed glasses. They created a nice contrast to his white-blonde hair that I had also inherited. He smiled a little bit, but it didn''t seem quite so genuine. ¡°Elias, how nice of you to come visit us. Come in¡±, he squeezed my shoulder a tiny bit, he was never a man of much physical affection. There was a time when I was a kid when I was trying to get more physical and emotional affection from my dad, which left me feeling frustrated and at a loss. It wasn''t that my dad was cold or anything, he just didn''t show his feelings so much, which always hurt me a little as his son. Sometimes I even wondered if he knew how to interpret his own emotions. But since I knew him to be a very intelligent man, I assumed that he was simply not interested in a lively exchange of feelings. ¡°Hi Dad, good to see you. Its nice to be home again.¡± He nodded slightly and scanned me from head to toe. I raised both hands. ¡°Still the same old Elias. School life hasn¡¯t changed me much.¡± ¡°Well, it has only been two weeks, so the jury is still out.¡± And sometimes I wondered if my dad joked at some points or not. I had given up giving him an awkward laugh from time to time, not knowing if it was even welcome. Therefore, if my dad wanted more from my side, he would need to take the first step. Childish? Maybe. But in the end of the day, I was the kid. And he was the parent. ¡°My cute boy, finally you¡¯re here¡±, my mom said then when she came out of the dining room. She spread out both arms and gave me a sign that I should come to her. She still smelled the same ¨C like warm lavender and a summer day. I couldn¡¯t explain why it had to be warm lavender, but somehow it made a slight difference to cold lavender scent.


    ¡°Why didn¡¯t you call? You promised¡±, she said with a little reproach in her voice. ¡°Sorry¡± I mumbled in her curly hair that was all over my face.


    I ended the hug and smiled at her. ¡°What¡¯s on for dinner? I missed your cooking so much.¡±


    In the background, my mom always put some music, usually something calm like piano music to create a light atmosphere. Today, she also put it on, mixed with some violin tones. So, I knew, she wanted it to be something special.


    ¡°So how was your first time in school? Did you meet anyone yet? Did you have your first class?¡± I nodded, unable to answer with my mouth full with mashed potato. The kind, that only my mom could make right, with onions and loads of garlic. I made a mental note not to visit Sienna for a few days.


    "It was good, I got to know my roommate Dennis. He''s funny, he''s studying social sciences, but mainly to annoy his parents. He''s a real computer genius - at least that''s what I''ve heard. So that''s what he wants to do too." While my mother seemed genuinely interested, my father just carried on eating, either avoiding eye contact so as not to have to react to my words, or simply being very invested in his food.


    ¡°That sounds good. And how are your professors, do you like them? And your courses?¡± My mom never seemed to be out of questions. She could really pull that off with any topic. A game changer for big family festivities when I wanted to get out of a boring conversation and my mom was just at arm-length-reach.


    ¡°I actually just met one professor so far, but he is nice. He is quite young, but he knows his stuff. And his classes are not too boring. Statistics is burning me up though¡±, I said. My dad grunted and kept on chewing, ¡°I also had to go through that, you will survive.¡± I tightened my mouth. "Yes, but at least you chose to study business. It''s not really the first choice for me. There are a lot of things out there that are really interesting." He raised both eyebrows.


    ¡°A deal is a deal. You are a grown man, your word now means something.¡± I rolled my eyes, but in such a way that he couldn''t see it. I respected my dad, I really did. And I knew that he didn¡¯t want to control my life or tease me ¨C or at least I hoped. I was his only son, so he kind of hoped that I would take a role in his company when I graduated. It was actually a cool company - he sold sportswear for the winter. We used to go skiing when I was younger, but that was a long time ago. Later, we picked up swimming together. Or at least halfway. He continued to expand his company, and the coolness of selling sportswear as a passion wore off and became more and more of a business, now an entire chain.


    ¡°Aaaaaand you¡¯re swimming?¡±, my mom asked as she stabbed her steak with her fork and began to cut it. I nodded and looked at her with a smile. ¡°Yes, I even met the captain in the first night. He¡¯s really chill and I am on the team now. The school¡¯s team, they will have competitions and all that.¡± My mom smiled brightly. ¡°That¡¯s amazing, honey. See, you are already connecting well with people there. I hope that you¡¯re also enjoying yourself. I know you can get quite intense with your life, but you can take the pace out of it every now and then.¡± I pointed my eyes to dad. ¡°Try telling him that.¡± He sighed but didn¡¯t comment. Most of our dinners were like that. And lunches. And breakfasts. One of us was trying to indirectly say something to annoy the other one, and the other one either reacted which was a more intense discussion or would only show signs of disapproval and stay silent. And my mom, my wonderful mom, would always try to make the situation comfortable for everyone, which sometimes led to an even more awkward atmosphere.


    Stolen story; please report.


    ¡°And how is Sienna doing, is she well? She is living with roommates, isn¡¯t she? How is that?¡± My mom was unstoppable, her energy level sometimes even rose over that of a 6-year-old child. ¡°She¡¯s fine, I even met her roommate.¡± I tried not to blush ¨C but failed. I was just glad that my parents didn¡¯t seem to notice it. ¡°Her courses haven¡¯t started yet so she has time to get adjusted. I think her parents have also already visited her and brought her some stuff.¡± ¡°Oh, we could do the same, you just wouldn¡¯t let us¡±, my mom protested, pointing the fork at me judgingly. ¡°Come on, Mom, I don¡¯t even have enough room. I also have a roommate that I share valuable space with, remember?¡± She pressed her lips together and kept cutting her steak.


    ¡°No, you mentioned him, Dennis. Dennis the computer guy¡±, my dad said sarcastically. His tone was provocative, and I didn¡¯t know if I should answer as if to defend myself or just ignore without putting myself out there. Unfortunately, I chose the first. ¡°What do you mean by that, dad? He is very nice.¡± He shrugged and narrowed his eyes a bit. ¡°Yes, but do not forget that I am paying for that dorm and that ¨C how did you say it? ¨C valuable space. You might as well could have stayed home and take the car every morning. Schools not too far. Then I would have saved money, and you would have had more ¡°space¡±.¡± I shrugged as well and imitated his tone from before. ¡°A deal is a deal.¡±


    He scoffed and continued eating. My mom sighed. ¡°Come on, guys. Let¡¯s have a good dinner. I still have to get used to having less noise in the house, honey. I kinda miss it. I even miss the dirty spots you always left from your boots.¡± She laughed quietly. I smiled at her. ¡°I miss you too, Mom. But I think this is good for me. I am growing, I am responsible for my own laundry, don¡¯t take that away from me¡±, I grimaced as if I was desperate, she could just do it. She laughed again and we continued talking about school and then her friend Susan, who just got a new boyfriend. I missed those talks about other people, in which mainly my mom would talk, and I would give a ¡°hm¡± every now and then to show that I was (half-)listening.


    ¡°And you know, Susan has a son, right? I think I remember him being your age. Timothy, was it?¡± ¡°Noah¡±, I corrected her. ¡°Hm, not even close. Well, anyways, she finally got to see him again, he is on leave for a few weeks, and she wouldn¡¯t stop talking about it. I mean, I totally get that it¡¯s hard not to see your son for so long, but he¡¯s all she talks about¡±, she said, adding: "I mean, now I''ll hardly see my son either." I just finished my potatoes and said with my mouth full: ¡°Come on, Mom. It must be hard having a son in the military. I mean, they almost never have any holidays, right?¡± ¡°Leave¡±, corrected my father, and looked at me frowning. ¡°Please, do not talk with an open mouth, Elias. We do not want to see the inside of it.¡± I closed it. ¡°It¡¯s nice to feel like a child again when I¡¯m coming home.¡± They both ignored my comment and my mother continued: ¡°Well, yes, you¡¯re right, it must be hard. But other parents would not talk so much about their children. I mean, I love Susan, I really do. But sometimes it¡¯s just too much. I mean, Siennas parents didn¡¯t talk so much about their son, when he was in the army.¡± She continued talking about Susan and I broke away from the conversation for a moment. My father looked at me and there was something in his eyes that I couldn''t quite put my finger on. It was very faint and gone a second after I noticed it. But I saw it. Was it concern?


    ¡°Oliver, that was his name¡±, my mom said, pleased that she had remembered his name. "I could have told you that," I said, poking around in the rest of my sauce with my fork. "But you didn''t," said my mother, pinching her lips together. ¡°How is Sienna with him, are they sometimes in touch? It must be tough having a brother working in another country. I mean, they probably only see each other twice a year during holidays, right?" I let my fork fall onto my plate. ¡°Mom, that¡¯s not really our business, is it?¡± She looked at me, irritated by my sudden outburst. ¡°After all, she''s your girlfriend," she added, slightly offended. ¡°They don''t have that much contact anymore, they''ve kind of grown apart over the last few years," I said, hoping to finish the topic with that. But no, not with Mom ¡°I still don¡¯t get why you all became so indifferent to each other. I mean you were best friends for years, it¡¯s just a bit strange. But I feel sorry for Sienna, I hope that she¡¯s alright.¡± I sighed loudly. ¡°Mom, please. It¡¯s really their business how they do it.¡± My mom finally let it drop and continued talking about Susan. I didn¡¯t listen anymore, and I didn¡¯t see the plate in front of me anymore with the food that I was still poking around in.


    Oliver. A name that I barely heard from people around me, occasionally from Sienna, but most of the times we would quickly drop the topic. A name that I also barely thought about, but every time it would cross my mind, it would cling to it more intensely that I would like to. I fiddled with the collar of my shirt. My memories of childhood friendships were not my favorite topic to talk or think about. There was a time, when he, Sienna and I had been close. We would do stuff together every day of the week. Since we hadn''t lived far from each other, it had been easy to take the bike, cycle quickly to each other''s place and then run into the woods, sit by the river and drink children''s beer. Oliver and I sometimes ganged up on Sienna, gently pushing her into the little river or running away from her so we didn''t have to show her our self-built and definitely not safe tree house.


    My eyes flicked to the wall behind my mother''s head, as if I expected to see a framed photo that didn''t exist. I knew there was a photo, a photo of three children with nothing on their minds but thinking up the next annoying prank. That photo still existed, in my closet in an old shoebox - right behind many, many books that I definitely hadn''t read. Over the years, I often thought about calling him, texting him or even writing him a letter the old-fashioned way. But every time I was on the verge of making up my mind and plucking up the courage to pick up the phone or pen, something inside me held me back. It was like a small sting, like a bee flying in my stomach angrily.


    I wouldn¡¯t know what to say to him. What did you say to someone that you haven¡¯t heard from or seen in years? Someone that had just vanished suddenly one day after years of friendship.The kind of friendship where you know the other person better than yourself. For a while after he left all those years ago, I felt insulted because he never once said anything, never once tried to contact me. I mean, we lived in the year 2024. Even an Instagram friend request could have shown interest or respect for a shared childhood. But after there was nothing, not one word, I began to realise that maybe that was it. Maybe that was how people grew apart, and it taught me as a hard lesson: that there is nothing really that you could do to prevent it.


    It would just happen, it obviously happened to a lot of people ¨C seeing that in many countries, even divorce rates are almost 50% - and those were people that once probably loved each other very much. But even though I told myself it was a fact and a part of life and growing up and all that, there was always this tiny pain that lingered and to this day I couldn''t figure out, why I felt that this was not all there was to it. Of course, I missed him, I missed our friendship, how close we were and the times we had together. But I also knew, that even if we would see each other again now, it wouldn¡¯t be the same at all. The feeling of knowing someone so much can turn into a feeling of knowing nothing about that person in an eyeblink. And that was one of the scariest things that could happen between people.


    ¡°Elias, you okay?¡± My mom put her warm small hand onto mine and I winced a bit. ¡°Uhm, yes, sorry I was just lost in thought.¡± Her faced changed, expressing concern. ¡°Oh, you must be so tired. First days somewhere new are always so intense. All those new people, names, classes, and all that. Maybe you should sleep here tonight? I mean, its Saturday. You don¡¯t have classes tomorrow.¡±


    I shook my head. ¡°Thanks Mom, but I don¡¯t want it to become a habit. I want to get used to sleeping at the dorm. Also, I wanted to watch a movie with Dennis tonight.¡± She nodded in understanding and smiled. ¡°I think that¡¯s also a good idea. But please, let me ask Victor to come.¡±


    Our family¡¯s driver, or rather old friend who liked to drive around for a bit of money since he retired, was already at the door ten minutes later. I hugged my mum, nodded to my dad ¨C which he returned, and which I interpreted as a good sign ¨C and then it was Victor and too many thoughts that accompanied me back to my new home.