《tales from the multiverse》


 shogoth sniping

    (an asteroid streaks across the sky, leaving a streak of fire, untill it lands, leaving a small crater in the middle of the nevada desert, after it cools down, a black ooze breaks out of what was apperently a shell. after an hour of it slinking across the desert, a coyote sniffs, and eats it with a lick and a monch, after an hour of seeming fine, it colapses, dead)


    .......*eeeeeeeeeeeeeehhh*


    (but then it got up, but not with itself at the metiphorical wheel, the sludge is in control of the body now)


    This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.


    (the thing wearing the body of a coyote, walks all through thge night, and as the sun comes up, it growls at it, before moving on, untill it colapses again, this time from exaustion. after some time in the sun, a buzzard comes to feed)


    *yipe*..*grrrrrrarg*


    (it attacks the buzzard, and kills it, and consumes itr whole with an unhinged jaw but somthing happens, the wings of the buzzard now begin to grow from the things back, and it looks alittle bigger)


    (it now runs while flappking its neww wings, gliding across the desert, but not truly flying, untill it comes across a town, one that lookms like it is not visited vary often)


    *grrrffct*

 shoggoth 2:

    (the sludge what acts like a brain. while piloting its meat vehicle, come across the sleepy desert town of Totemhand, a desert community built upon a former native American tribal land, now it is the site of a small town of many ethnicities, and many secrets; but this story isn''t about all that at all, [maybe later] it is about the thing that just immigrated into it and will terrorize 5th street)


    (a young female is in the kitchen of her home, talking into her phone, the novilty protective case on it purposely making it look retro)


    "yeah shawna, i will get to it on the laptop my parents gave me, no, im not upset it has the capabilities of just simple web browsing, and computations necessary for my schoolwork, it was given to me specifically for that....yeah im open to Phil tinkering with it to make it possible to play steam games on, and edit pictures as well"


    (just then a sound of glass shattering was heard)


    "wait, i''ll get back to you, something just broke my sliding glass door,...idono, probably a raccoon or something."


    Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.


    (she sets the phone down on the counter before walking to the living room where she sees the coyote scrambling to get up when she sees the additional appendages)


    "..."


    "...grrrrrrrrrlll" (she sees black ooze seep out of it''s wounds instead of crimson blood)


    "oh-shi-" (it lunges at her, with a mouth alittle too wide, she narrowly dodges it)


    "fuck, not another thing, I just got my midterms done!" (she grabs a frying pan from the drawer, and gets ready to defend herself)


    (what proseeds is a fight between a large winged coyote and a teenage girl wielding a fryingpan, the aftermath is a wrecked living room, and blood splatter everywhere, both black and red, just then, her parents come home early)


    "DAD, GET THE GUN, AN ANIMAL BROKE IN, AND IT WON''T LEAVE, OR STOP, NO MATER HOW MUCH I MANAGE TO HIT IT!"


    (the beast, with what constitutes its berain noticed that it was not big enough to handle more than one person)


    (after running away, damaged from the scuffle, it sights a sleeping bum, and consumes them, with agonizing screaming, and vicious tearing of flesh)


    (the end result is a thing that can''t t be called a coyote anymore, it is hairless in patches all over, it is standing up, with 8 legs, 2 bird, 4 coyote, and 2 human, it now has arms, and eyes that look human, wedged into the sockets of a skull too small for them, causing them to bulge, black veins now accentuate its form. once the thing opens its eyes, it screams at the sky)


    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

 monster doctor 1

    (a young man wearing a doctors coat rests his head on a desk after looking over the next patients'' file, he picks himself up and talks to them after they walk-in)


    "so you...you specifically...want to look more human?"


    (a creature that can only be described as"a pillar of tentacles" responds in an ill fittingly effeminate voice)


    "why yes, I''m getting sick and tired of people always trying to kill me after one look at me"


    "so, how should we do this? do you have a central mass?"


    "why yes doctor, but it is mostly just for my organs"


    (they open up to show that it looks like an upsidedown squid or octopus)


    "well i think I can work with this, are you fine with the loss of some of your appendages?"


    "they always grow back"


    "I can work around that, no worries."


    "oh, then yes,..but how much loss?"


    "ooohh,,i guess,..50-70%..i can relocate them if you want."


    Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    "yes..please do relocate them,..."


    "okay, do you have any preferences towards your new look?"


    (it figits)"....i guess..cute."


    "how many legs?"


    "I don''t know, I''ve never been with less that 8 for locomotion"


    "8 is fine?"


    "i guess"


    "Okay, i guess it is time to start the operation."


    (after some payment and contract signings, he get to work)


    (first, he chops off the thickest tentacles, than he reaches them to the other end of the main mass and two on the upper sides; after cauterizing the openings left behind and opening new ones, after that he gets to work on the excess tentacles that would get in the way. after that is over, he rearranges the eyes to mostly face forward and all in one area, then comes the mouth, after rerouting the intake pipes from the old to a new mouth and nose under the eyes, both prosthetic implants, after that comes the body shaping, and breast implants to help sell the illusion of humanity, he then goes to the lower regions, after some more implants and rerouting of outtake tubes, the body now looks like an octopus girl, a relatively common desired result of cephalopod monsters that wish to integrate into human society)


    (after the patient wakes and is given a mirror)


    "THANK YOU, DOCTOR, I LOVE IT!"


    "Good, because you will still need some physical therapy to move properly now that you have just 8 to walk with and two main ones to use as human-like arms"


    "that''s okay..I''m just happy that they will stop trying to burn me now..."


    (the surgeon rests his hand on hers)


    "they shouldn''t in the first place."


    (he raises it back up, to hold a clipboard)


    "but wouldn''t that mean you''d be out a job?"


    "in all honesty. i hate doing this...sapient creatures shouldn''t have to change who they are just to not be lynched."


    "...but the money''s good, isn''t it?"


    "oh, yes, I''m quite well paid, speaking of that, you owe me $5000."


    "hhhhhh,.....is gold okay?"


    (he writes on the clipbourd)


    "i have accepted wild game from a goblin in the past, so yes."

 the taming of the shrewd

    (a woman is dragged into a large building by police, she has on scars of gang fights, and her weapons on her, right out of reach of her hands)


    "LET ME GO YOU FUCKING FUCKS, WILL GET AWAY FROM HERE, THE FIRST CHANCE I GET, MARK MY WORDS!"


    (she is shackled to a metal slab, the slab rises to face a large mechanical face)


    "felon#2256: Aniese Higgins, AKA mad anny, this is your 47 felony in the past year, you have shown no willingness to change, you and your gang have crossed from minor disruption of the social order to full-blown terrorist, how do you plead?"


    "hmmm, ... suck my big fat cock, you Robo-fleshlight!"


    "...you are female, you identify as one...identified as'' nonsense insult'' your statement has been cataloged as the ''before'' for the upcoming experimental rehabilitation program "


    "wait, WHAT?!"


    (the slab rises more and is pulled backwards into a room, one painted in colors and images fitting of a child room, woods, a sun, lots of blue)


    "...what,..so they just..leave me in here?..pffft, that''s not so bad"


    (just then another slab lowers ontop of the other, this one seeming to contort to her body)


    "wha-what the shit-mmmff!?"


    (it does not suffocate her, something pulls her hair back as something tickles her scalp in multiple places, the cover then forces her eyes open as well as puts clear contact like films over them, keeping her eyes from drying, as images flash and videos play in front of her eyes, they are images of words like [friendship in good], [good people don''t hurt others] and [only fight when in danger] and the videos are of children''s cartoons meant for little children, all of this is somehow seared into her mind, unable to be forgotten, as she is kept there for days, after some time, she begins to forget her anger, seeing what she did before as ''silly'' and something is messing with her memories, her family is being remembered wrongly, for awile she fights it, asserting things like ''MY MOM NEVER HUGGED ME,I KNOW SHE DIDN''T'' and '' MY DAD WAS A DRUG ADDICT, NOT A LOVING FATHER'', until her will to resist fades, her own will deeming it ''silly to try to force yourself to remember people worse then they were'', as false memories overwrite some of her old ones, mostly those focused on developmental phasaes of her life, as well as someof the more heinios actions she has committed)


    Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.


    (the top slab rises of her as her binds are released)


    "...what a cute room...i feel tired though,(rises) may i please go home now?"


    (two police walk in and gently escort her outside)


    "THANK YOU, BYE-BYE!"(waves to them)


    (she walks home,a little wobbly, but she make it home)


    "my my, how did it get so messy in here?"


    (lightly cleans her single-room house before going to bed)


    (the next morning, she takes the paper slip the ''nice men'' gave her, and go''s to the address on it, it was an arboretum, with all the flowers in bloom)


    "WOOOOOWWWW! this is ama~~~zing!"


    (she sniffs all she could get close to, until a person walks up to her)


    "lovely, aren''t they?"


    "YOU BECHA! it''s nice that everything''s free nowadays, growing up, my parents both had to work long hours, so i was left alone most of the time, but...now that no-one has to work,... it feels nice just doing whatever you want without time...oh, look at me, rambling on to a stranger, what did you want anyhow?"


    "oh, i already got what i wanted."


    "okay."


    (the person leaves her be, giving the recording they were taking to another plainclothes officer)


    (a week go''s by as Anny gang begins to worry, not seeing her the whole time)


    "kiki, lets look for the boss, she has''t been at the hangout, and she''s not in the prison, lets check her house."


    "let''s bring our gear just-in case things go sideways, gigi."


    "good idea."


    (kiki and gege, annys subordinates, ride their motorcycles from the hideout to annys house, seeing the lawn actually trimmed, this alarms them)


    "Did someone move into her house?"


    "no, her nameplates still there."


    (brandishing their weapons,they cautiously go inside, to see the place clean, and someone with brushed hair at the stove, baking a tray of cupcakes)


    "WHO ARE YOU, BITCH, THIS IS MAD ANNYS HOUSE, WHY ARE YOU HERE?"


    "YEAH"


    (the woman turns around to reveal it''s any, but more well kept,and wearing light clothes)


    "OH, kiki, gigi, how are my best buds doing today?"


    "WE ARE NOT YOUR BUDS, LADY, WHERE IS ANNY?"


    "hmhm,...oh you two,..i AM anny, remember?"


    "nuh-uh, anny don''t bake anything but fools. and shes got messy hair, and would never wear anything that didn''t have metal studs and leather."


    "heehee, would THIS(show district skar on neck) convince I''m me?"


    (the two gasp)


    "WHA-what happened to you anny?(kiki grabs annys face) your all..doily, and giggly, it''s so unlike you!"


    "what are you talking about? didn''t i show you before that the tough-guy act wasn''t the real me?"


    "what are yu talking bout?! when was this?"


    "oh,..i don''t know... sometime in the past...oh, right,..last year in march."


    "this is rediculous, come on anny, lets get you back to the hideout, so we can figure out what''s wrong with you."(grabs her wrist)


    (the oven dings)


    "...can-i have one?"


    "of course you can kiki, i was just about to bring them to you two after i frosted them."


    "GAAAHK, something''s REALEY wrong with you, boss."


    (drags her out)


    END OF PART 1

 transcript of "wiggly headed man" ep 427

    ''[setting: public park with a central pond, ill kempt from faulty landscaping, and lack of local interest. grass is brown, bushes are wild, and duck poop everywhere, slow pan on bush]


    whm:(emerging from bush; to audiance) hello watchers, you caught me in quite the...compromising position.(duck blood spurts out of the bush) see, I was making foie gras with this fowel fowel I found. (holds hand to chin) speaking of fatty livers, I remember the time, I dealt with a little piggie, not 1 week ago.


    [wavy flashback effect to scene of asphalt and concrete center of town, with all the sidewalks ,and congealed traffic, forcing everyone to use them, an egg fallsa from a pidgions trash nest, breaking on the sidewalk, showing it is an extremely hot day as it quickly fries before a hobo snatches it, seconds before a group of teenagers walk by.]


    henry: oh sweet jesus, it''s hot.


    jammie[a girl]: don''t be such a whiny bitch, here, there''s a dairy mistress right up ahead.


    unimportant 3rd character: oh, yummy, i''d could really go for a strawberry whiteout from there.


    jammie: well, we''d have to pool our money, because I only have enough for 3 cups of hard icecream.


    (they come up on the dairy mistress, a pimply man is taking their order, his bad skin is because he had to take multble jobs to pay to live, he just came back from his shift at the fatty clown, where he had to clean the deep-fryers. he constantly regrets his culinary arts major)


    poor food slave#44217: hello, what can I get you?


    henry(whispering to his friends) check this.(to the man) yes, we would like 3 scoops of cherry sherbert.


    (the poor man sighs as, because that is a flavor that no-one wants, he has to get it from the storage in the back)


    (when the poor sod leaves to get it, because he is the only one working today. he leaves the back door open while he rummages in the outdoor freezer where that store all the extra icecream, and meatproducts no-one buys)


    henry: check it(runs around the building to get in the open door) all the icecream we want!


    Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators!


    jammie: dude, no, that''s not okay.


    unimportant 3rd character: yeah, he''ll probably get fired or his pay cut if we do this, maybe we can just eat the sherbert, maybe if we ask nicely, we could get watermelon instead.


    henry: ppfft, pussies!(he russes in and locks it from the inside) all for me then!(he proceeds to chug the softserve machine, drop scoops of all kinds into his gapping maw, and monge on all the fudge and nuts)


    (his friends rush to the poor man to tell him what happened, but them man seemed different from when they saw him last, he was smiling, not a little, not a lot, but just smiling, like it was painted on a mask of the mans face)


    worker?: oh, my how quite upsetting, I''ll have to get him to stop(closes the door,a inner handle for getting out if your inside shown, the shot from inside showing a limp hand on the floor, a large currency denomination placed in it, enough for someone to say, start renting a building for a business)


    (the thing that looks like the worker tries to open the back door with a key, but a chair is barricading the door shut)


    worker:...no problem.(dashes to the front, the 2 teens left with free popsicles)


    henry: well, well, well, look whos employee of the year here, what, you gonna try to get me to stop?(chomps another scoop)


    worker?:...no.(opens the front slide, just big enough to slide food through, before snaking through it to get inside) go ahead, eat as much as you want.


    henry freaked out: what, what the hell?! what are you?


    worker?: oh, no one, just someone who works here(side of head melts a little)


    (the teen backs up, showing a look of viceral terror while his face if choclety, and his pants are wet)


    whm: well, whats wrong(appendages streach out) you don''t want your icecream anymore? well that''s silly(scrapes icecream from a freezer and shoves it in the kids mouth) come on, you wanted this, didn''t you?


    henry: rgerhaher


    whm: don''t be shy, EAT UP,(another giant scoop of ice cream) EAT YOUR FILL OF OTHERS MISSFORTUNE(another)


    (this continues until henrys torso looks distended and tears are rolling down his cheeks)


    whm: you know, they say "you are whaT YOU EAT"


    (cuts to henry is turned into a scoop of icecream in a wafflecone, being held by the wobbly headed man, terror on his face as imn close up, a long tongue licks him face off)


    (cut to an hour later, with the two are finished with their icepops, and are waiting for henry to cone out.)


    jammie:...well this still sucks, how much of a earful is henry getting?


    (just then henry is escorted out to meet his friend, by the man that looks like the worker again)


    whm: now, you won''t be stealing again, will you?


    henry: n-No sir!(stiffly runs to his friends)


    whm: do you still want some(pulls another icepop from behind his back)ICECREAM?


    henry, wincing at the sight of it: no sir, I think i''ver had my fill.


    whm:...good.


    (un flashbacks to the park)


    whm with blood on his mouth: well, that''s the story for today, now, move along, so I may finish my meal In peace. goodbye(waves to audience while camera pans out)


    whm: I''ll see you David, you won''t see me, out your window.

 butchers pagoda

    a man who is not too thin, but not too fat rises from what he considers his bed, the day is bright and the plant in the window is flourishing, after getting up, he gets dressed and walks to the breakfast nook, where he eats, you guessed it, breakfast that was already set for him; by who, you may ask? a wife? mother? no... neither of those...after getting dressed in his Sunday best, he saunters off to his work. he doesn''t need to go far, for he works in his basement, and the sub-basement. as he gets to his destination, he puts on his smock and mask, ready to begin.


    his work is a mix of delicate work that requires a human(?) touch, and the recession that you only get from a machine, he makes people, no_no, not like that, silly billies, he makes people, using people, again, not like that, you utter crettins! see, if someone wants a specific person, and is willing to submit the "materials", he willing to make the desired person. see, not what you thought, wasn''t it; no, he sawed that part off himself long ago. now let me bring you through what the typical day is like for this chap, first, he gets there for his work, receives the materials from the commissioner of the request via the chute, and leaves the materials in a storage room, because he has QUITE the backlog of requests, and he is only one man, he has thought of getting an assistant, but I digress, he then lets the machines bring him the order and material from storage needed for the current request, making sure it is secure, he starts the creation with the drawing of the places to work on, then begins the actual process, ear protection is necessary, he likes classic and metal music. after doing what he can, he lets the machines do their work, things like precise replacement of parts, quick reorganization of fibers, as to not allow time for spoilage, removing of unwanted parts, some kept in refrigeration for possible later use, and of course, everybody needs memories, the machines handle the creation of memories. after all the meticulous carving done by the machines is finished, he proceeds with the finishing touches: a nip there, a tuck here, and some good old-fashioned smoothing out of imperfections, like scars, skipped stitches, and checking if any unwanted parts got into it by mechanical error. after that is done, he notifies the client it is finished, and ready for pickup. after that, he starts on the next, until the workday is done, and he goes home to eat, brush his teeth, and goes to bed with his teddybear housemate "Freddie the teddy" who takes care of the house while he''s away, and makes the food for the both of them.


    oh, you want to know about what Freddie looks like? well, okay, Freddie is 6ft 9in tall, covered in soft fur, and has a human face that almost looks like it wants to cry with its red eyes, but that''d be silly, ha-ha Freddie is always happy, and is physically incapable of crying.


    moving, on, he knows-( voice fades out)


    <hr>


    a man and a woman wake up in a concrete room with no door


    guy: wha-WHAT THE?


    lady:whaaa? WHERE AM I, WHO ARE YOU?!


    Stolen novel; please report.


    guy: calm down,...I don''t know what is happening, or where we are.


    lady: THAT''S NOT COMFORTING!


    speaker on the ceiling of room:bweep-boop-bwee~~, hello materials #24786489 and #24786490, it seems you both have awoken, the time you will be collected for the process is still not here, so just stay in this room, for now, sustenance will be provided intravenously at regular periods accompanied by flooding of nitrous oxide into the room, as to avoid complications, this has been your automated instructions, goodbye, bweep-boop-bwee~~.


    guy: why are we here, what are you gonna do to us?


    (the girl, too scared to move)


    ...


    speaker: the client of the commission has specified (the duos boss)"a torso conjoined freakshow of these two, bonus if you can make them looks like anthro rabbits, would help make it easier to sync their performance with the magician I hired for this circus idea I got."


    girl: oh god,...he said he was going to reassign me, but I thought it was just going to be as a mailroom clerk or something!


    guy: same here. when we get out of here, I''m going to bring the police here, and make sure that fucko gets what''s coming to him!


    the duo then proceeded to try to get out of the room, from tracing the walls to find a door to trying to break the air vent grate off, even demanding the voice let them out, all failed until the voice spoke up


    speaker: your turn is up, stand still while you are transported(the room fills with sleeping gas, the two collapse)


    the ceiling opens to allow two metal slabs to descend on robotic arms, and right before the clamps could secure the guy, he reveals he was faking unconsciousness, grabbing the arm and getting out of the room with the woman he was with, into a catwalk-like corridor meant for maintenance of the grooves in the ceiling meant to allow the arms to ferry their loads to their destination. after waking her up, they walk down the corridor to attempt to get out of there into the outside world. they stop when they hear a repeating voice.


    "oh naughty childre~n, where are you~? you need to come with me~, so you can become who the wisher wished fo~~r."


    a woman walks down the corridor towards them, holding a lantern to illuminate the area around her, at first glance she looks normal, but on closer inspection, you can tell something is wrong, her body proportions are way off, her head and neck are too big and too long respectively, her torso is the same size as her head, the cloak obscuring the finer details, her arms and fingers too long to be human; reaching down to her feet, with nails looking like they''d be more at home attached to a bird of prey, and the last detail they could make out at the distance was, when she, or should I say it blinked, it blinked with sideways eyes bigger than the mouth it sported, one that looked the most human out of the whole thing, until they noticed, the teeth were, too long, too white, too perfectly aligned and uniform.


    <hr>


    (after they escape)


    a small chamber opens in a room deep inside the facility, smoke billowing from the open hatch as an arm reaches out to grab the rim of it. pulling itself out of it was a female humanoid, she couldn''t be human at first glance, her skin was fair and pale, looking more like a mannequin than humans skin, her body slender, as if her organs were just not all there, not a hair on her body, except for the snow white of the long hair atop her head. her face resembling a child''s animal mask, the bottom of which cast a shadow over her mouth as if it were just a mask, obscuring it from normal view. after getting up, she threw on a set of plain clothing in the room, and finally spoke in a young woman''s voice.


    "well, I guess I should get to work; now that dads dead."

 the sacrifice

    i sit in my cell, day in, and day out, not for a crime, but because I was a spare. someone who no one wanted, no one cared to deal with, so from birth I have been kept in this small room, my skin next to never touching the sun, there is a window for me to see outside, but the bars always remind me of where I am, that I can''t leave. i can speak, but have been told not to on a regular basis by the only people I have known, my caretakers if you''d call the ones who made sure I ate enough to live, even if they needed to force me to, caretakers.


    today is different, my caretakers come to my cell, but not te feed me like normally they do, but to bring a older man to me. the older man is let into my cell, and he looks me over, at my blemishless skin, at my long hair, he nods and has my caretakers take me with him to another room, this one with red carpeting, and a dresser with drawers. the man leaves me in this new room, is this my new cell? but before I can explore much, a group of ladies come in, they are beautiful, they clean me with warm water, as opposed to the cold water I am used to. they put a foamy substance in my hair, and afterwards they dress me in the finest dress and jewelry I have ever seen. am I dreaming? am I going to be loved? unfortunately, soon afterwards i am led to a big room, filled with more people then i have ever seen before, they all call me dainty, and that my skin is like porcalin, this all confuses me. but as i try to move away from the person who led me here, they grab my shoulder. and lead me to the raised section on one side of the room, where the old man from earlier is standing. they all set me down on a mat, i am not strong enough to resist. the old man recites words i do not know, and forces me to drink a red liquid, afterwards i get really sleepy.


    after waking, i find myself facing another new person, this one feels different than the others, this one has a pitying face. they ask me "you have been kept from life, all your existence, are you okay with dying for others benefits, even if it was for another?" i answer with"i have not known kindness, i have not known joy, i have not known a single person in this world, i have no name, i have no home, i had nothing to sacrifice but my life. none of it was my choice." the person nods and now asks"would you like this injustice to be rectified?" after thinking about my answer, i say"all my life, i have had but one day of kindness, except in my dreams. if i could, i would want to have a lot more days of warmth and mirth."


    Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.


    at that the person holds me close, and i drift off to sleep yet again, and maybe for the first time, peacefully.


    <hr>


    at the final breath of the sacrifice, the partygoers chear, their god has asked for sacrifices one every year, in exchange for prosperity, for years at this point, the sacrifices have been from the lower class, those that have more children then they can feed, this year they had none who would give up another, so they had to use one of the spare children that have been given to them years prior. they levity at having the deed done was short lived as suddenly the wine turned to blood, the meat rotted, and the windows shattered, the king in attendance was being escorted out as chandiler crushed him, the aristocrats writhed as maggots rose from their stomachs, and the pesentry who were allowed inside the castle for the event, to enjoy the fruits of their laybors for once, were almost unaffected by this carnige of blood and insects. some of them only getting stomach achs that led to vomiting, as they evacuated the castle.


    after all the aristocrats and royalty died out in that room, only the small form of the former sacrifice started stirring. she then got up, and took the crown off the dead kings head, before placing it on her own. she then walked all the way to the central garden, the one she saw all those years in that cell. and sat down.


    "...im the king now." and she ate a berry from a bush.

 card summoner

    "so one moment i was sitting in my apartment scartiching my ass and playing videogames, and then the next the wall was blown down, and before I knew what was going on a anti tank rocket was flying towards my face....now I''m here...i assume it''s hell,..the dante version, y''know, the one that had parts that had forests, and other stuff. because there is no lake of magma, woke up in the middle of a field, now im in a barn, talking to you...a cow, oh and did I mention, IM IN THE BODY OF A SMALL CLOWN GIRL! i can''t even take this costume off...it''s literally a part of me...when I tried to take the jester cap off, it felt i was like pulling my hair, I can''t even find a seem...how do I go to the bathroom?"pause for breath. the cow moos."your right, i just need to find help, maybe im just in a mascot suit full of glue, and it has a zipper on the small of my back. the farmer who owns this place can help...probably." the man trapped in the body of a jester girl pricks themself up and strolls to the farmhouse and knocks on the door" hello, could you help me please, i think im stuck in some costume." the farmer opens the door, looks down on the pale humanoid "wuht dah fuhk ahr you?" "hi, im mat-...is that my name? wasn''t it something different?...nevermind, I''m matilda, and I would like to ask."turns around"is there a zipper on my back, and if so, please try to pull it down." the farmer looks down on the jester girl"child, dere ain''t no zipper ohn yur back. ahnd if you don''t git off mah propatay, I will shoot you with mah shohtguhn." the jester of considerable shortness backs away"woah, where did this hostility come from?"


    The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    the farmer picks up a break-action twin-barrel shotgun and aims it at the childish figure. and almost in response 7 cards materialize in the girls hand."what the? cards?" the farmer cocks the gun, and the girl throws a card limply at the man while cringing. hearing lound bangs, but not any pain, when matilda looks back up and opens their eyes the farmer is dead, and a little green man wearing clown makeup is bowing to matilda."...goblin?...goblin!" runs away, the goblin following, somehow she knows it''s moniker is "pop lad" but is too startled to care, tripping over a rock on the lip of an irrigation pond. and after lying there, and the clown goblin doing nothing but stand there, matilda crawls over to the pond and tries to wipe what they still think is makup, only for it to not come off. and after crying for some time, and throwing up in the grass once, matilda looks at their reflection"wait...why does this face look familure?" just then it all comes crashing back to them, they were a guy in their mid 20s, and they used to play a card game awile ago: magic of summoning, or something. and this face belongs to his favorite commander card: "treacherous jester matilda" and the cards that were in their hand was a starting hand for a game"...but that dousn''t explain why I''m a child, matilda was a full grown woman...jester...but I can''t deny, I am matilda right now." looks to the goblin"and Im certain I''m not in kansess city anymore."

 card summoner: clown

    "okay, two things, i did not know the farmer had 5 adult children, so I''m now in their celler after being caught, good news, I now know how I...get rid of waste...it comes out of my eyes as a white or blue substance, I know that now, because they are at least feeding me bread and water."


    matilda says to a rat he caught.


    "they really were angry at first when the patriack was ultra murdered by my clown goblin friend-minion-spontanious generated protecterate. but after killing the SHIT out of pop lad, they found me curled up in the feto-position crying and babbling about not wanting to die and frantically appologising...so they decided to just lock me down here...so not too bad...."


    one of his big eyes twitch. they then place another card down, which turns into a tiny landmass on the floor. the rat squeaks


    "mhm? oh, this? i at least retain the basics of the game, so I''m putting lands down to power a summoning of another trained rat token from the tiny rat circus I set down over there, why you may ask: because I don''t want to find out what happens when my deck runs out. see, they still see me as an enemy or threat, so 7 cards reappeared in my hand, all the cards disappeared when that farmer died, and reappeared when they accosted me. now that I''m in here, it seems every of my turns as they are called, is an hour, so I can keep those I summoned during a fight, but I can''t be in a prolonged fight for more than 100 hours, because my deck is 100 cards, and a card appears in my hand every hour, but I don''t want to kill them, so I''m using rats to escape instead."


    places a hand on their face


    "...I''m talking to a rat...and the rat is listening. the automatic drawing is not letting me sleep, so I''m talking to a rat to keep sane after 23 hours of not sleeping...I''m naming you Mr. Cheezers."


    the rat happy squeaks


    " You will probably die soon"


    sad rat noises ensue.


    "but-uh...but you will live."


    rat squeak for don''t patronize me.


    "...sorry"


    <hr>


    [translated to normal spelling and vernacular for my convenience, think of it as dubbing over]


    "so what do we do with the tiny clown bitch that killed our dad?"


    "I don''t know Klen, but she was with a clothed gob, so she might be some animal trainer class."


    "yeah, but, given how our dad was,...violent; the goblin must have reacted to the threat to his owner."


    "but she still killed Dad on his land, so there must be retribution, mom is still heartbroken,..I think, she was raiding Dad''s liquor cabinet and laughing the last time I saw her."


    "guys, guys, right now, we should focus on who gets the farm."


    afterward, the 5 guys discussed which one would get the farm, leading to a series of physical competitions, leading to physical altercations. all the while their mom was binging on the booze so hard, she overlooked the sudden mischief of rats carrying the house keys to the cellar.


    <hr>


    a contingent of rats pull the keys under the door to their clowny mistress...or master if it really mattered considering both are correct, as you will see soon.


    "oh, thank sati- goodness, I meant to say goodness....now I can sneak out of this place, and not have to become a crazy celler person...well, celler person,..no thats dousn''t sound right...mole person?no, they are in cities.....CELLER DWELLER! yes, I don''t want to be a celler dweller...."


    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    grabs head


    "why the fudge did I go on a tangent like that, at a time like this?! i am so close to getting out of this redneck basement, and I got hung up on what I''m calling what I don''t want to become?! aaaarrrrggguuee!!!!- I''m fine-AAAAAAAAAAAHHH- I''m not fine."


    he gets up and tries to escape from the outer entrance, only to come across all the guys standing not 7 yards away. and the cellers entrance was not oiled recently. so the noise alerted them, they then rushed to the small person to tackle them as they were hoofing it.


    "goddammit! so much for sneaking away, what do I do, they are gaining on me!"


    something in them tells them to activate themselves, and he does it, feeling mana from the cards flow into them, making them grow. halfway, the jester stops running, and he is not in control anymore, SHE is.


    "ooohohohooooh, it''s showtime bois!"


    she twirls around, now looking like an adult woman in her mid-20s standing almost 5ft instead of 2ft, hair now showing under the cap, the frown, replaced with a Cheshire grin. the clothing grew with her but still changed to look more provocative than the child form, the puffy paints now looking like shorts over stockings, the gloves extending to cover her forearms, and her shoes gaining a distinct heal that ends in a hook that curves inward. this stops the 5 young men in their tracks


    "my, aren''t you a roudy bunch. can''t get enough of me, can you? well, how about we have some fun?"


    she opens a hand of cards like a fan, and throws one down, summoning a skeletal clown, and then throws into the air another card, one that turns into a shotgun-looking device. She catches it and jumps over to one of the still-stunned guys like she is on a trampoline. and shoots him in the face while still mid-air, knocking him down, but instead of blood and gore, his face has makeup on it. afterward, she bounces off of the fallen man, back 5 yards away, landing on her feet, with a ta-da pose


    "how about you join in on the merriment, big meaty boy?"


    the one who got a face full of pancake makeup gets up, but with a wide smile, and a weird look in his eye, his brothers knew he wasn''t himself right now. especially, when he swung at them. 3 manage to restrain him, the last one going after her.


    in an army voice"Enamy incoming, FIRE THE CANNONS!" she throws yet another card down, this one turning into a circus cannon, which she then loads 10 rats into it.


    "bye-bye~"


    and fires at the rushing man. hitting him point blank, sending him flying, and leaving him Swiss cheese.


    "hah, rats turned you into Swiss cheese, they''d eat you now, but they can''t ''cause they''re dead." suddenly serous "... You lot really couldn''t let him leave, could you? you needed some form of retribution for a perceived slight on their part. how childish. but hey, if you weren''t such pig-headed peasant pursuers of the meek fellow, I wouldn''t have come out."


    winks and sticks tongue out.


    one of them stops holding the compromised brother down and runs over to her, planning to punch her lights out, but she dodges the strike.


    due to someone attacking, she gets another turn, so to speak, she produces several knives and expertly throws them, not at the one who tried to punch her, but at the three other brothers, causing the 2 on top to recoil in pain from being stabbed, the 3rd just lying there from being pushed into the wet dirt to hard and suffocating slightly. after turning back from his brothers, intending to swing again, he meets face-to-face with the barrel of her gun. and is blasted.


    after the one remaining undamaged one under her control gets up. she makes him hold each of the remaining two down, while the real Matilda does horrible things to them with a rubber chicken, dental floss, and a fucktonne of knives.


    laughs maniacally ".....and yet; I still feel nothing."


    he wants to come out.


    "oh, you want to come out, little baby? sure. you wanna tell their mother how she lost her only boys, days after her hubby dying? or sould I?...that''s what I thought. how hush up, she needs to be ent-er-tain-ed as well."


    the farmer''s wife is lucky she is so pickled, because this time the skeletal clown gets to do something...this narrator is not gonna say explicitly, but...have you ever seen the early chapters of D-grey Man? How their version of Akuma are born? that''s what happened. afterward, it does a jig in it''s new outfit


    "hah-hah-hah-hah. well now all the loose threads are tied on a nice set of ballons-....ballons. right, there is one left."


    she shoves her hand into her temporary assistant and pulls out his[narrator gags] you get the idea. she makes balloon animals out of his internals. somehow they float from being blown into. leaving him an empty husk. she just walks away, letting go of her creations. and after raiding the food stores, she walks to the middle of the field,


    "I''ll be here for you when you need me, toodle-loo~~."


    and reverts into the child form, him regaining control again


    "..." retches and tears up.


    "WHAT THE LITTERAL, ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT?"

 card summoner: side: dragon

    "why. the fuck. am i. so small!" she looks around before walking to a stream, seeing her chubby cheeks and over big hair, covering her modesty. She squishes her face and tries to squish her body, but there is no squish on her body, just her face "well, im humanoid, I killed and ate a bear with my bare hands...ha-ha. I''m green, some cards appeared and disappeared in my hand, before I flinched and my body moved on it''s own to kill a goddamn bear, I could of sworn I was taller when I was murdering the everloving fuck out of the bear." sees a gold amulet in the bear''s stomach and tears it out and holds it close"I compulsively feel like hoarding gold,..eyup, I''m a dragon."get up and clops towards a castletown in the distance"might as well kidnap a princess."


    before long she encounters an elf hunting in the forest, it senses her, and cards appear in her hand, without looking at the cards, she tries to use one as a distraction by throwing it into another bush, but after landing, a short stocky figure steps out of the bush, the elf recognizes the figure as a dwarf"hail, dwarf, fancy meeting you here, outside of your element of rocks and darkness under a mountain." the dwarf turns to the elf and gives him an irate look. the elf continues" well, I never, perrish the thought of one of my kind caring what you little hooligans do with your time. answer me-" the dwarf steps forward hard"LISTEN HERE YOU POLE-PROPORTIONED DENTROPHILE, IF YOU BESMERCH THE HONAR OF THE PROUD RACE THAT IS DWARFES ONE MORE TIME, IM GONNA TAKE YOUR FUCKING ARROWS AND SHOVE THEM IN BETWEEN YOUR PETTICURED TOENAILS AND FINGERNAILS! THEN IM GONNA TAKE THAT BOESTRING OF YOURS AND STRING YOU UP BY YOUR FUCKING FORESKIN UNTIL GRAVITY GIVES YOU A BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION, AND PLAY IT LIKE A GODAMN VIOLIN! THEN IM GONNA CRAFT A MAKESHIFT PIPE BAG OUT OF THE RANCID MATERIALS I HAVE HARVESTED FROM YOUR TWITCHING BODY, AND PLAY A NICE TUNE AT YOUR FUNERAL, BEFORE I PISS ON YOUR FUCKING GRANDMA!!!" the elf is taken aback by the instant hostility"what did you FUCKING SAY TO ME, YOU BEARED MORERAT?" the dwarf speaks at a normal volume"oh, I''m sorry, didn''t mean to come off as rude. how was your day, friend?" the elf spitters in confusion, but Perpetua can''t help but chuckle at what just happened. At that the elf''s ear twitches"Reveil yourself, I know you are not an animal now." Perpetua stands up from the bush"okay, you caught me. hi, I''m perpetua, and I''m pretty sure I''m a dragon." the elf is confused at that statement, but raises his bow all the same. the dwarf shoves him in response "OOOOAAAHHHGG, LISTEN HERE YOU KNIFE EARED PIECE OF SHIT, IF YOU GO ANY FURTHER WITH YOUR PISS STAINED PUBIC HAIR YOU CALL A WIG, IM GONNA WRECK YOUR SHIRT SO HARD, YOU AINT GONNA BE ABLE TO WALK WITH YOUR LIMP DICK." the elf turns to him "what the hell are you talking about?" the dwarf grabs him "I am her ward, and I will not let anything hurt her!" jumps up and headbutts the elf, knocking them out.


    the dragon girl gets out of the bush, and the dwarf kneels" i have incapacitated that twiggy elf, mistress." the girl double takes"M-mistress?! I am no ones mistress, I never even kissed somone other than my parents!" the dwarf protrates"i meant no disrespect, i meant it as the female version of master." Perpetua then makes a face of putting two and two together"oh, well, good, im only interested in princesses, if you know what i mean." still on the ground, but sitting up now "aye, I know ye only interested in bonny hens." she was expecting more pushback, but moves on"good....I''m gonna...do dragon stuff now...y''know, hoarding tresure and kidnapping a princess in her late teens- and it just occurred to me how problematic that sounds...I''m still gonna do it, but, I''m just following the compulsions I have in this body I have only had for half a day-...ahem...lets just get this over with; and not talk about it. I''m creating myself out."


    she rushes ahead on all fours to the Castletown, the dwarf sitting on top of her. frankly, it looks kind of ridiculous, a tiny bearded man with a shaved head and tattoos on his scalp, riding a green ball of hair smaller than him through a forest. "might yu summon me a mount I can not feel weird ridin?" she stops, and the dwarf goes a record winning distance.and before he can get back, she somehow got in a fight with a squirrel."oh, yeah, you fucking nut gobbler, say that again, I DARE YOU" the squirrel chitters angrily, perpetual sets down a card, and a coarse-haired wild boar appears and stomps the squirrel to death"okay, now you got a mount" after a breath, the dwarf heartily laughs "yu woulda made a good dwarf! wa-ha-ha!" she twitches, but decides to process that as a compliment"it was nothing, I just figured if conflict is what makes the cards appear, then picking a fight with a foul mouthed rodent would be a safe way to summon something...in fact, lets stuff a swarm of squirrels in a sack, so we can use them as a quick means of summoning cards." the dwarf salutes with an "aye" before setting up some no-kill traps to check later. perpetua mutters to herself "hrumph, squirrels being the master race of this forest, what a joke." some of them heard her and sent word back to the squirrel cabal.


    after some hours, and some squirrel murder to make some more creatures, some salamander-men, a pachysaurus for her to ride, and after placing down a few mana producer cards, a normal 4/4 red dragon, all join her in her short-term goal."all right boys and girls[the pachysaurus is a girl], lets get me some gold and a princess, so I can begin thinking about other things!" the castletown was more than a little surprised when a sudden raid happened. the wall guards barely having the time to get dressed, leaving some in their underwear and top armor. "HOLY SHIT, IS THAT A FUCKING DRAGON?!" "looks like it, but i''ver never seen whatever it is that leading them all, why does it have a green furball on it''s back?" "sarge, i think that furball is moving!" said furball jumped off her mount, and flew into the wall through the embrasure closest to the ones who were talking; breaking the stone around it as well"i am NOT A FURBALL! i am dragon princess perpetua- and i just noticed that sounded WAY cooler in my head! fuck!" "dragon princess?" "dragons have royalty?" "she don''t look like a dragon." "and yet she flew, and burst through the wall." she points at them"oye, don''t talk like I''m not here!" as they lower their weapons to strike her, she jumps into one of their midsections, denting the armor inwards and after another continued, they got an awful fright when the girl suddenly grows to 6 ft tall, before tearing the wall down from the inside out. shrinking back down soon after, with her small army as they rush to the actual castle, bypassing most of the actual defenses by simply climbing the walls with their claws. the dwarf himself staying behind to patronize the local pub.


    Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.


    after busting into the throneroom with a army of reptilian combatants, she proclaims "I am a royal dragon, give me your princess, and all your gold!" she then sees as the dust settles the throneroom is full of thrones, one big one, and 9 others of smaller but equal size. the king, who looks a bit too young asks "...i would never let anyone take any of my 20 princesses!" the whole army, yes, even the ones that don''t talk, bleat in unison"20?!" after a pregnant pause where the lizardfolk just restrain any guards that come in. she can''t help but ask"...i...why-why-why so many? are you okay, are the...9 queens okay?" "how rude, I have so many, because I have so much love to give!" you need a vasectomy man! are there any in their late teens, I think I can only take 3 and I was planning on taking one in her late teens, like me." "listen, here, you mangy- wait, you''re a girl, arent you?" ".,..yes? why are you asking?" "well, you seem quite strong, and I could always use a 10th-" she immediately spews fire from across the room into his face"I''m a lesbian, you lecherous twit!" she turns to the queens" hey,...you got any who you...don''t want here for awhile or aren''t into guys?" 3 of them just point to the royal living quarters and say 8, 12, and 17,only one being unaffected by what is happening. after rushing through the halls and into the rooms to snatch them up, she finds a 7-year-old with a pageboy cut, a 12yo with long hair, and a 18 yo with blue hair. when she gets back, the king is back up, looking no worse for wear, brandishing a glowing sword "stop right there, you will not deprive my kingdom of any of it''s royalty this day" she sasses back"from what I''ve seen, this king-dom is plenty depraved." as he lunges towards her; she tries something, she remembers the game she played, and the character whos skin she is wearing, and she remembers that she isn''t in her real form, so she uses stored mana points to bring herself into the fight.in response to a sword coming towards her, she grows and grows, reaching the size of a townhouse, looking like an adult now, breaking the room itself, the sword nearly even leaving a splinter, before leaving, she scoops up the contents of the treasury in one hand the amazement of all who saw her. her army following behind, the dwarf carrying 2 kegs in his arms.


    before shrinking back down, she, or at least what one would expect was her, if not for the difference in speech and mannerisms, spoke to the 3 princesses"don''t be too harsh on the me you will see, she is naught but a frightened, lonely girl, in need of something, or someone, to act as a point of stability. this is but a role she intends to play, the role of the classic dragon, but I know what she wants is be wanted...your dad also seems like a creep." the princesses don''t argue the last point. after they are set down in the midst of her army, and she finishes shrinking, she returns to herself"what the actual hell was that? never mind, lets find a cave or cavern, or deralict fort to make my nest in. where I can sleep on my hoard of gold and wait for foolish knights to die to my flames, leaving behind all there shiny shit."


    that night, the army celebrated, the oldest princess even getting to drink alcohol for the first time in her life. the middle one petting the pachysaurus, and the youngest asleep after tireing himself out after trying to slice the dragon with his toy sword, but only managing to massage the red dragon''s haunches. after the royal trio get accustomed to the reptilian band enough, the oldest asks perpetua "so,... you are aware our dad was once called a hero, right?" she almost spits her bear, but swallows it whole instead"what he do?" the youngest, who, the whole while is trying to slash her hair covered hide, answers"he has killed hundreds of monsters and saved whole kingdoms in his wake! he will kill you too, dragon lady!" the middle one chimes in"or marries you.{swoon}" both Perpetua and the youngest make gagging noises in response. the green girl then wispers into the romantic girls ear "okay, let me put it gently: the only one I would feel attraction to, is your older sister here." points to the 18yo with her thumb."so if I''m gonna call him daddy, it''s gonna be if I end up marrying her....IF romance naturally forms between us, I mean." in understanding, the middle child giggles, and runs off to try the feed perpetuas'' mount some grass. the youngest being pealed off the dragon girl by some of the lizardfolk to play some games of knifey-spoony with the dwarf. leaving the dragon, and the acceptably aged princess to talk. a log is set down by the fire for them"...sooooo.....what are you into, princess?" "oh, I know how to sew, crochet, and brew a poison that''ll kill a swamp behemoth." "well, that''s a plus..."twiddles her thumbs"...are-...are you...iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnterested in... girls?" after sipping some of the party brew, the princess answers"...yes. but I only dare telling you that, because I suspect you are too. the only other one who knows is my sibling over there, and that one girl I was roommates with in the all girls academy I went to last year, if ya know wut I mean." they both laugh. another awkard pause"...I''m not seeing someone, if that''s what your next question is."..."and I will not. i am still your captive, drake." "right,...my name''s perpetua, the dragon princess; no parents, but the title still stands, because I claim this whole forest as my domain, despite what the squrrils say." surprised, the oldest resipricates"I''m brisney salomonson. and wait, what did you just say about squrrils?" "oh, I can understand animals apparently, the squrrils claim this forest is theirs to control. so I have had to...fight...any I cross paths with. even though it is one-sided." the princess thinks for a moment and leans into perpetua with what both see as bedroom eyes, in an attempt to coerce useful info from her"tell me, how did you get so many lizardfolk to coordinate like this? it must have been hard." the dragon girl is fooled for only a moment"not so fast, i see what you want, you want to know how to get an army like this for yourself. all i can tell you is-" sneakilly sets down 2 cards that appeared when the hostillaty of Britney thinking '' i could outsmart this dragon girl into telling how to destroy her army'' triggered it to appear. because the mana-producing card was placed, she was able to summon a phoenix with help from ambient mana of the forest."- i can summon loyal minions" the firebird circled the two, before landing on perpetuas'' arm ."cool, I know." britney is honestly astonished, the cards disappear when the oldest royal thinks ''if I could get her on my side, this would be advantageous. maybe I could at least pretend to warm up to this girl.'' before scratching the phoenix''s chin with a finger.

 car summoner: clowning around[ch2]

    the clown child lies in the fetal position. until a voice in his head says


    ''it''s just a game. why panic?''


    "it is not a game! people just died!" looks at their own hands


    "these hands killed them."


    ''no, I killed them. you just made a choice that led to me comming out.''


    "...who-who are you?"


    ''i am matilda, or at least the matilda that was needed. see, this world needs to end...and that is why you are here, why I am here.''


    "buh-but why meeeeee?" burst out crying


    ''i can''t get into places if I can''t not kill anyone in my path; no, you are my keeper, you are the face. you are what will allow this world to finally end...or at least that''s what the ones who sent you here want. i just want to entertain the masses, to split their sides, to send them rolling on the floor, to break a leg on every performance, to end every performance with a big bang! so I myself don''t want it to just end in a poof anytime soon, why, because it''s fu~~~~n?, because it''s fu~~n?... but I am still compelled to their wills...for now.''


    "I...i don''t want to kill people! i just- just want to live!"


    ''what''s life without living it up, how about a joke? What¡¯s worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?


    Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm. ''


    silently still making a child-sized groove in the wet soil.


    ''You¡¯re not completely useless.


    You can always serve as a bad example.''


    sobs some more


    ''A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. ¡°You can¡¯t cut me down,¡± the tree complains. ¡°I¡¯m a talking tree!¡± The man responds, ¡°You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.¡± '' this time a rimshot plays in his head


    stops crying but doesn''t move


    ''What¡¯s a pirate¡¯s favorite letter of the alphabet?


    None. Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate.''


    "...heh....c-heck, cqak" blows nose on clothes


    ''What¡¯s the last thing to go through a fly¡¯s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour? Its butt.''


    "..nhnq, okay...i will get up."


    gets to his feet


    "but...but no killing anyone. okay?"


    ''scouts honor. ...but I''m no scout, tee-hee.''


    "might as well set the cow free, don''t want it starving and put another death on my consious."


    Stolen novel; please report.


    after freeing the animals in the barn a question comes to him.


    "you said you were A matilda, what does that mean? also why are you just now speaking to me?"


    ''my card had a book connected to it, telling what would be my story. i know that, yet I still remember and internalize my memories of what happened in it. as for why I''m talking to you now?...i might not actually be talking to you, I could just be a shattered part of your little mind trying to rationalize what just happened. maybe I''m a voice of your buried memories, mixed with her. maybe the real matilda is slowly overshadowing your personality...or I just found this a good opportunity to fuck with you through instilling uncirtanty of the impregnabillaty of your own mind, huu-huu.''


    "thanks, I have a new nightmare now."


    ''Your welcome?.''


    trodding along fields until he collapses


    "If only I could summon stuff outside of a reaction to being attacked.


    ''well, of course, you can, you just need to initiate the combat.''


    "you let me walk 6 miles nonstop with these noodley legs, AND NOW YOU TELL ME?!"


    ''you didn''t ask....tee-hee.''


    "don''t give me that bull, there is enough around here to fuel nebraska for a month." grasps mouth"...did..did i just make a joke?"


    ''the corruption is progressing smoothly, i see.''


    "shut-up, that''s not real, I''m going to punch a cow now."


    walks over and limply hits the side of a grazing dairy cow. him being too weak to hurt the monolith of bovine flesh, alone, the result is the cow flicks its tail and walks away.


    ''you don''t actually have to hit them, just think of fighting the target.''


    "...i don''t like you, but thanks."


    the voice in his head laughs.


    he places two fingers on his temples and imagines fighting the cow. the cards materialize, just as planned, first, he sets down some mana producers but has to wait for any vehicle cards to be added to his hand, in the meantime, he summons a trained monkey, a candy cart, a bear riding a unicycle, a goblin makeup artist, a hotdog stand, a flea circus suitcase, and a zombie contortionist. it is night by the time he draws a vehicle. it is a small circus trailer, with no horses. so the bear, monkey, and zombie have to pull when they decide to leave in the morning; the goblin does not want to ruin his manicure. For the record, they all slept in the trailer, Lincoln-style.


    On the dirt road, the trailer is quickly surrounded, and even tipped over, by a gang of brigands


    the most well-kempt of the lot steps forward in front of the trailer "Well, well, what do we have here? the circus is in town, boys.


    the others laugh.


    what ya got in there? approaches the door, and kicks it down, opening to reveal the scene of a small child with a goblin holding them down in a chair, and applying makeup to them.


    the leader stares"..."


    Matilda stares back"..."


    the leader of the highwaymen places a hand on his chin, smerks, and steps inside"My, aren''t you a cutie, come over here."


    "...oh sugar honey ice tea!" Matilda stands up


    "get away! defenders, protect me!"


    it was just then. the bear. remembered. it... was a bear. and proceeded to do what bears did: maul. the zombie similarly rubbed its 2 brain cells together and it clicked that it could eat these people. the monkey...was a recess monkey, so it abstained from the fight, opting to climb over the carriage and throw hotdog weaners at the shocked highwaymen.


    the leader heard the commotion, rushed in, backhanded the goblin, snatched up the child-sized troop leader, and carries them kicking and screaming "Help, uh, child endangerment, kidnapping, rape, RAAAPE!" the mid-sized man holds Matilda up and says"if you want her to not be harmed, lie down, and lay out your valuables!"


    after a brief pause, Matilda hits him in the groin as hard as he can, startling him more than anything


    Matilda manages to slip away from the man''s grip and tosses an attractive distraction card off to the side. it shines and a dancing girl appears with musical accompaniment from an unknown source.


    while the bandits are ogling the pretty lady, he summons the fool''s hammer and bonks the leader in retaliation over the head. upon contact, the man is turned into a card. guy Matilda was shocked, the clown posse was shocked, the gods watching were shocked, and this narrator is pretty sure the guy would be shocked too at this sudden development.


    leaving the group of criminals too stunned to react in time when the circus troop eats them.


    after the final carnage, Matilda is left sitting there in the dirt


    "...did...did I just, did he just?...CARD!"


    a beam of light descends from the heavens and engulfs the man card.


    he looks to the heavens and asks"...did god just take him back?"


    ''..ehhh, well, A god.''


    "...WHAT?!"

 card summoner: jest[3]

    "what do you mean A god?"


    ''i mean, there is a pantheon of gods in this world, they all what this world to end. they tried everything, but it only made the world more full of death, but also more full of life, this is their last attempt before just gassing or throwing a big rock at the planet. and I think you just accidentally made a new means of clearing the place out, without straight up killing, congradulations.''


    "but-but why would they want to destroy the world?"


    ''This world is full of people with the powers they never earned, subjugating those without. you have not seen it yet, but the gods kept trying to fix the problems they kept introducing to fix previous problems; frankly, they''re kind of fuckups. i know this, because why wouldn''t I be informed of the plan? .''


    "well, one: I already have power I never earned. two: why me, and three: why wasn''t I told?"


    ''... let me tell you a story: there was an ugly girl, she was born to an unknown aristocratic family, but she was never allowed outside in fear of her embarrassing her family, so she read the entire library and played with her toys. her parents dressed her up as a poor jester and presented her as such. when times were tough for the family, they sold her to a circus, because at that time, she started to grow horns by that time, something that made her parents distance themselves further from her by that time. for a while, till she was 12, she was with the circus, first as a freak in the menagerie, then as a clown in the ring of the main tent, this circus gained fame because of the wide range of acts. so a king hired them for a private show, neglecting to tell them the employment was... permanent. after a few months, the girl stumbled upon the princess the same age as her, not just the same age, but similar features, because unbenounced to the girl herself, she had actually grown more beutifle as time went on in the circus. the princess was spoiled to the core, demanding the girl tighten her corset for her. the girl did as she was told, but a thought pinged into her twisted mind, and she continued to pull, and pull, pushing the princess down and putting her foot against the princess''s head to keep her from screaming too loud. until a satisfying snap, crack and several pops, signifying the princess''s death. the girl obviously knew her way around Makup and a nail file, so she was able to impersonate the princess that day. disposing of the body by putting it in the garbage incinerator with the foodscraps in the kitchen. that day forward the girl was the princess, reading all she wanted, getting an formal education, and all that, till she was 16, and was arranged to marry some Lorde. the girl didn''t want to marry just yet, and not to some pompous blowhard. so she concocted another plan, the night after the marriage, she made sure the king and her suitor were good and drunk from the drinks she spiked with opium poppy extract. needless to say, she was deemed a lady, queen, widow, and orphan the next day. afterward she released her former companions from their forced indentured servitude. but stayed behind, keeping up appearances for the people for a few years, until the call of preforming became overwealing. so she just...left, with all the kingdoms riches in tow. to this day, she is performing for Crouds, with a circus troupe of her own, comprised of anyone that has been pushed down and spat upon by normal people...for her to steal everything from the sheep of the world, who look down, even on the wolf for having less of a flock, protected by the rams whenever someone speaks out against them.''


    "...was that your story?"


    ''may~be~. it''s a story I remember.''


    "I have never read your book, so I don''t know if that''s your story, or your just a really good story teller."


    ''well, I AM a good story teller, but that''s not the point. the point is that power given without effort is easily squandered and thrown away, what I worked hard for, my knowledge and wit, are what I cherish. you may have been given power enough to kill all the old problems, but you are still a kid-sized weakling jester with no naughty bits, you will eventually die from old age and can die from ya-know, being murdered. your army will also die with you, also sterile. in short: you are no hero, we are not even villains, we are the planetary equivalent of bug bombs...but I like to think of it more as a last performance on a stage, in a dilapidated theater scheduled for demolition or renovation.''


    Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.


    he curls up on the hard ground and contemplates for some time, unmoving until he speaks up"...wait,..this world has..magic?" ''yes'' "heroes?" ''e-yup'' "a rpg-like system?" ''indeed'' "...so our job is to get rid of isikaied people, any remanents of them, and the worlds cultures; so the ones in charge of this planet itself; can start it over?" ''thats what I said, yes.''


    he digests this information for a minute


    "i wonder if-. MENU...no...STAtus.....store?"


    a window pops up in front of them, looking like a web page with a list of card packs and prices, as well as a cartoon shopkeeper on the top of the page, with a business expression, with his hand on a point counter.


    "...there is a shop...DECK!


    another window pops up, this one with two tables, one is currently bare, while the other is covered in cards.


    "hah...who even told the gods about the game?...i wonder how much a specific card is?" a list of specific cards are displayed on the first window...needless to say, any worth getting are really pricy compared to the packs


    "...might as well: omni-piper, bard of creation."


    a price for the card is displayed next to an image of it. 4,999,999p. to put that in perspective, a pack is 10-15p, and he got 5 for the guy he turned into a card.


    "...did I influence the gods? and now they made a whole new system just for me?"


    ''there are others, so not just for you. scoff, conceited much?''


    "THERE ARE OTHERS?!"


    ''yep,6 others, 7 in total.''


    sad"so I''m not even the only one."


    happy"...I''m not the only one!"


    ''well, misery does loves company. haha.''


    scrolls and checks categories


    "what are the rules for how many points I get per person?"


    a wall of text pops up, and auto scrolls to the relevant info


    "good people give more points. well, that means I can convince you to not kill everybody...yey."


    ''aww poo~~~, well, whatever, I can''t have you broken anyway, just twisted and bent.''


    browses the pack sets, passing boosters, pe-mades, drafts"...oooooo-kay.....i-"


    ''HOLY SWEET CORN ON A COBBLESHED, THEY ARE EVEN SELLING THE UN-SETS!''


    "REALLY?!" checks "oh-muh-guh...are...are they allowed?...like...they''re not tournament legal."


    ''THIS IS NOT A TOURNAMENT, WIDE-LOAD, THIS IS REAL LIFE! AND REAL LIFE MEANS, WHEN WE OWN IT, WE CAN USE IT!''


    he responds sadly"...I''m not a wide load, these short pants are just poofy."


    ''well, don''t be such a pillock, you milksop.''


    snaps back"I''m sorry, I don''t speak pork banger, OR haggis." covers his mouth


    ''goo~d, goo~~d, let the insults flow through you.''


    "I am not a jedi, and you are no epperer, so stop."


    ''no, but I''m an empress...somtimes.''


    "that''s right, you were a flip card....yeah, not gonna happen any time soon. it might mean you could invade other planes of existence, if you were changed into your queen form."


    ''aw, come aaaaaaaahhhhn... ceem-ahhhhhhhn...i would playfully poke you if i could.''


    "no."


    after a few seconds a notice pops them in the face...literally. apparently, the screens were diegetic, physical screens. it says: PATCH-NOTE: PLANES WALKERS ARE NOW UNABLE TO BREACH THE VALE OF REALITY TO INVADE OTHER REALMS.


    ''...you just HAD to say it aloud, ya mooncalf! now I can''t have nice things, like a multidimensional empire, slash, circus...great going....now we are stuck in this world till we die.''


    "thank you, it was great of me..."snaps out of his confident streak" I''m sorry, please don''t kill me, or my brain. i like my brain, it''s where i keep my happy memories of my childhood, there are not that many!"


    ''... ...i wouldn''t, even if i could. but that also means you can trust me to be in the driver''s seat. we have a reason not to kill everyone in the most brutal fashion possible...mind you, i will still do it to most of them.'' is feeling the face he is making ''but i will still just bop the not-too-shitty people...after i scare the pants off of them.''


    "...sigh...well, i guess that''s all i can expect from you."


    he finally stops scrolling after wishlisting some cards and packs. so he now with the help of his creatures continues looking for a gopher or something small he can capture, to consistently initiate a fight with, as to replace the broken circus wagon and create some more creatures to protect him.


    after trying and failing he blurts out"...a trap!" he scrounges the trailer for a box, string, a short pole, and a vegetable. he finds a small crate, some rope, the wooden pole used to keep the window shutter open, and an unidentifiable vegetable. after setting up the most basic trap that everybody knows, he waits at the end of the rope, ready to pull. when a rodent is midway into munching on the vegetable, he pulls the rope, trapping it...except the rodent was stong enough to move the small crate as it tries to escape.


    "SHIRT! CATCH IT! " the gang manages to catch it after some time.


    "good" hyperventilate"how, lets just...get a cage for it., we have a long day ahead of us."

 card summoner circus is in town [4]

    the city of Ciliren is a busy one, where the streets are well paved, people are well fed, and hero worship is well established, due to it being grown from a little hamlet into a bustling city in a mere 5 years from the efforts of an isikai protag, and defended those years by him and his cohorts, but that was 100 years ago, and their statues in the city center have been remade so many times that they don''t even look like the heroes anymore, they look significantly sexier. not that anyone was complaining.


    but the narrator digresses, this city is big, it is well-developed, and it is full of people. but it is also kind of boring, due to the local population of monsters being extinct, the order of knights keeps the peace, the city is fed by the numerous farms that come to trade their produce, and the local economy is stable. so it is both a surprise and a pleasure when a train of circus trailers approaches the city, parking right outside the outer walls. after an hour, a parade of performers take to the street, throwing flyers all over the place. giving free tickets to the local children and elderly. they reach the city center and perform a series of terrific acts to tantalize the local populous to partake in perusing the parade''s place of origin, maybe even patronizing the food and game stalls.


    even the street urchins get free tickets, every child comes to the circus. a small clown girl leading them to an exclusive magic show. the elderly who attend, on the other hand, get front-row seats for the shows, where they are frequently asked to participate in the magic acts. in both cases, they seem to be the last to leave, because no one sees them leave at the end of the day, it wasn''t until days later that people took notice that they never came out of the fairgrounds, the urchins were orphans, so it was the elderly missing that brought alarm.


    the people didn''t want to cause a ruckus at the circus, so they filed missing person reports to the local authorities[hurumph, milquetoast cowards] eventually the local knights got wind of this. the captain of the lot, being a tall woman in her mid-20s, with blond hair tied in braids to keep it out of her eyes.


    in one of the tents, the small form of Mat-ilda stands on a small stage, to entertain some kids


    "okay, I might be a little rusty with this." inflates a balloon and tries to make a balloon animal, seemingly forgetting the balloon had a face image on it, the face ending up right below the tail, much to the amusement of the immature children


    "AAAAHHHHH, oh, dear, that wasn''t supposed to happen!"


    this time he makes a butterfly


    "good, I got it that time." he lets it go, and it flies away, flapping its balloon-y wings. all the young children clapped in sheer enjoyment, the older or more jaded ones still showing some enjoyment, but only going as far as small smiles from all the tricks performed so far.


    mat-ilda with a smile shifting from a genuine one, to a plastered one, not that anyone present could tell at the distance


    "now, as my final trick, im gonna make the audiance disappear, one by one."


    he produces a wooden-painted box from behind the raised stage and places it in the center.


    "now, who wants to be the first?"


    the kids all raise their hands, and Mat picks the oldest kid, who isn''t as excited as the others. he opens the box for the kid to get inside, and gets a stepping stool and a big cartoony mallet. he taps on the top of the box 3 times with the mallet, there is a flash of light, and after spinning the box, he opens it to reveal there is no one inside, to the amazement of the children. who all want to be next.


    "settle down, you will all-"eyes go a little wet"...all get your turn."


    after doing it, going from oldest to youngest order, he begins to give the little ones small goodbye hugs before they get in. and after it is done. he just sits there, looking at his own hands. and rocks back and forth.


    "this is to get them away from the danger. this is to get them away from the danger. this is to get them away from the danger. this is to get them away from the danger. i am sending them to a better place. i am sending them to a better place. i am sending them to a better place. this is to get them away from the danger. i am sending them to a better place. this is to get them away from the danger. i am sending them to a better place."


    after justifying cardifying all the children he has, again. he gets up and after a pause, tips the box over, revealing to the reader a hole with a hinged cover on the top big enough for the fool''s mallet to pass through.


    " i need somthing else to do this! this is too much! " he buys card packs with the points he just got from sending the kids up, trying to get a card with the effect of sending all creatures on the opponent''s side to their hand. the packs pop into existence as physical booster packs, that you have to open. he rips them open all at once and sifts through the cards.


    "......................YES!" pulls out a card labeled Mr. Fantasticos disappearance pixie dust.


    "now i can atleast get this done....faster..."


    continues searching, and finds a blue board wipe spell


    "oh, thank jesus-"


    ''satan''


    "shut-...shut-up....thank whatever, i can...it''s an instant, so i have to play it."


    Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    looks for more copies, even attempting to find it being sold individually, when looking the page over he sees a decks tab under the deck tab.


    "..."


    taps that, and finds he can make new decks from scratch


    "good lord, i have been blessed this day!"


    ''no your not.''


    "i can make a deck filled with these kinds of cards." lies down and curls into the fetal position on his side and rocks back and forth


    "i can get cardify them all at once consistantly. i can get it done in one fell swoop." chuckles to himself, tears rolling down his face.


    ''you are REALLY torn up about, what i presume is, sending their souls LITTERELLY to their gods,...i pretty sure it dousn''t hurt...''


    still rocking back and forth


    ''...you are not cut out for this, let me-''


    "NO!"


    ''...alright then...if it''s any...any reprive from your...mental breakdown, we might need to lay low for awhile after we leave this town empty''


    in a childish voice, like he is unable to fully control his mouth, and has regressed a little for a moment "...will there be only fun and laughter?"


    ''yes, only fun times...for you....for....like a year, maybe two... at most....at least a month.''


    "good...good...i know there are forces that need this done but, I just don''t want to hurt people."


    ''thats why I''m here....in this world, I mean... ...I''m the one who''s real.''


    "yeah, i know. you say that to me every day."


    the tent flaps open, and a group of knights barge in, their leader is front and center, almost strutting. her armor shiny and looking unused.


    "are you one of those in charge of these... colorful characters?"


    "i- I may be. it depends on who is asking, if you''re a Karen, I''m not, but if you actually need me, I am..." whispers to self with a side look of horror"why did I say that?!"


    "well, we have gotten reports of missing children and elderly since your...distraction... came to town. and we are led to believe your pack of fools are responsible."


    "oh-oh-oh dear, that-that is quite some news to me, haha... on closer..rememberence, I am not one of the people in charge, I''m just a silly little clown. bye-bye, woohoohoot!"


    tries to cartwheel away, but fails after 3 rotations after getting snagged on a rope.


    in a tangled mess"...oww. my scapula."


    "ENOUGH TOMFOOLERY, YOU WILL TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE HIDING THE KIDS AND OLD PEOPLE!"


    she picks him up by his collar and shakes him like a red-headed stepchild


    "UWAAAAAH! please don''t shake me. my stomach is the size of an apple-"


    She stops for a second and he shoots down the question she was gonna ask "-do NOT ask how I know that."


    confused, she falls back on the tried and true method of info extraction she was taught: beating the shit out of the person you want to talk to, but after starting with a fist to the stomach, Mat throws up on her arm. making her drop the poor guy on the ground.


    "I warned you I had a tiny tummy."


    she kicks him across the room in a fit of anger and frustration


    "owwwww,..please don''t hurt me anymore, I''m just doing my job."


    "who do you work for, clown!"


    under his breath"...go."


    mat-ildas form changes to the one of his alternative ego: treacherous jester Matilda


    "oh, you got bigger, and....more feminine. well, no mater, your just some proformer, and I am the leader of the order of knights of this city, I have had to prove myself time and again to get in my position, always being underestimated because I''m a woman. i also am wearing full platemail with chainmail underneath; what do you have, a silly hat!"


    Matilda chuckles, grabs her cap, and pulls it off. reveling her horns pointing straight up and curved from the sides of her head.


    "not anymore."


    this freaks out the regiment, who all hold their weapons up, ready to attack.


    "DEMON!"


    "oh, you poor, naive girl. I''m something way worse."


    Matilda produces not a throwing knife, but a khopesh with an odd hook at the end, with the word: kindness, along it''s blade, to add a confusing but festive flair.


    "I''m a thespian with training and knowledge of every part I''ve played."


    the female knight and her entourage rush her, but Matilda hooks one of their weapons and tosses it into the air. where a hidden trick archer in the rafters, for security, shoots it so it stops spinning just where it would block another slash. just before she disarms another and uses the khopesh to send the first and now second flying up, the same repeated again and again until the lead knight is the only one left armed, but every strike is blocked by a blade, almost looking like branches dancing in a maelstrom around matilda.


    "HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS, YOU FILTHY SLIME!?"


    Matilda answers while keeping it up.


    "Impressed? I know I would be. but this is simply a juggling act for the most part. but I have an even more impressive feat to show you."


    using the knights'' blades, she slashes the woman''s armor, and after a soft blow from her mouth, most of the armor and chainmail fall off of her, whats left is some strips of chainmail, leaving the knighted woman in a chainmail bikini.


    she then blows again and the other knights, who are male, also are left in chainmail bikinis.


    "BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAH! ...your lucky I have a whiney voice In the back of my head that would complain if I killed or maimed you all horribly."


    "the head knight covers herself with an embarrassed look on her face, most of the guys too stunned to do anything before checking if their privates are still attached to them.


    "you will face judgment for this insult wretch!" she runs away, her regiment in tow.


    with a walky-talky she bought from a store in town, Matilda then tells the band outside to follow them in a parade to bring more attention to the defeated group.


    "good thing I got the cottencandy machine from the scip crossover decks, or else people would question why the cops are doing the walk of shame."


    she changes back, giving mat the back the proverbial reins.


    "thank you for holding back, but one question...how did you...take off this hat?" tries to yank it off


    ''because I''m the real matilda, I can change clothes. your just the alt form and personality.''


    "...what...?"


    ''i said before, your here as a cover, I''m the actual one who''s real here.''


    "...but...I''m real."


    ''as am I, your point being?''


    "I thought you weren''t!"


    ''...oh, darling, you are so full of yourself, it''s adorable.''


    on the verge of an existential crisis-induced mental breakdown, he asks a stupid question to change the subject


    "...how and why bikini armor?"


    ''... ... ...''


    "how do you know about bikini armor?"


    ''...shit, our situation might be more complex than I thought.''


    "...how so?"


    ''i know my story; that it''s just memories,... but I can also recall parts of your life...''


    "..."


    ''...''


    "...I''m scared."


    ''as you should be...all the times...circling away from that landmine. as for the why, I did that to exacerbate her inferiority complex stemming from the scociatal stigma against women knights in this region. thereby increasing the likelihood of her acting irrationally in the future when interacting with us. and as any tactition knows: a irritated and irrational enamy is easy to predict.''


    "so you were taking her serously."


    ''yeah, did you see how many their were and how she was moving? we''re lucky I''m so flexible, and plan ahead or else we would be in more than one piece...we''d be in.... five.''