Big City
I have been in the city of Austere for an entire month.
An entire month that went by in the blink of an eye. After living here for only a week I started to understand why Nick always talked so damn fast. You gotta because there¡¯s barely any time to do anything in the city.
Wake up, eat, sleep, shit, work.
Repeat.
I don¡¯t know nobody so of course that¡¯s all I¡¯ll be doing but I figured I¡¯d be doing something else after a month.
But I ain¡¯t.
But everything ain¡¯t so bad.
I¡¯m still a waitress, but this time, in the daylight, thank the Lord. It¡¯s a place where everyone dresses fancy, and the tips are good. Men take their girlfriends to propose to them and husbands bring their mistresses to make them think that they¡¯ll eventually propose.
I can¡¯t pronounce the name of the place, it¡¯s in a different language, but that don¡¯t matter ¡®cause I won¡¯t work there for very long once I become famous.
I told Nick all of this over the phone. We talk once a week and message each other every day. He¡¯s probably worried that I¡¯ll be eaten alive by some crazy guy on the metro, but I don¡¯t talk to strangers on the metro.
Anymore.
I end the phone call and get dressed in a black mini skirt, a pink tanktop, sandals, and bring a white hoodie for the metro. I don¡¯t get lost anymore on the metro as long as I stay on the red line, but I regret wearing sandals because the floor seems a little sticky.
I hope it¡¯s juice.
After half an hour I make it to my destination.
It¡¯s a music shop, called It¡¯s No Treble!
When I walk inside a nice little chime goes off, the wonderful AC greets me, and the smell of wooden instruments hugs me. My mission is to get a new guitar and maybe write a song or two.
I go to the glass front counter, and the woman at the at it is busy chewing gum. She has the some look I probably had on my face when I worked at the diner.
¡°Ma¡¯am, can you tell me where the music sheets are,¡± I asked.
¡°Yeah, the back left corner, next to the electric guitars, which I¡¯m assuming is what you want as well?¡±
¡°Yeah! How¡¯d you know?¡±
¡°It¡¯s because you¡¯re gonna be the next biggest thing,¡± she said.
There was so much excitement in her voice I was a little confused. Her mouth was in a giant cartoony smile, and she seemed a bit off.
¡°Also, the casting call for plays, modeling shoots, the works is on the back wall,¡± she said.
Her voice was now back to its monotone self, and she herself seemed bored by the conversation.
¡°You don¡¯t take me seriously do you,¡± I asked. ¡°Why are y¡¯all like this in Austere?¡±
¡°You aren¡¯t the first cowboy to come here from the next state over and-¡°
¡°I ain¡¯t no cowboy!¡±
¡°Then why you talking like one?¡±
¡°I ain¡¯t, I mean, I don¡¯t, I uh¡.¡±
She laughs a little and chuckles.
¡°Sorry bestie, but I was just like you. Except, not a cowboy, just from another city. I wanted to be a huge actor!¡±
She splays her hands out in the air, making effects while she says the words huge actor for comedic effect. This woman has to be a few crayons short of a full rainbow.
¡°What happened,¡± I asked.
¡°Same as everyone else. Reality. I¡¯m just not pretty enough,¡± she sighed.
¡°You ain¡¯t ugly,¡± I exclaimed. ¡°You¡¯re gorgeous!¡±
¡°Thanks,¡± she said. ¡°People here don¡¯t really feel that way though¡.¡±
¡°Your hair though! It¡¯s so cute and poofy! And your nails have the coolest designs I have ever seen.¡±
She gently pats her afro and tells me that she does her nails on her own at home.
¡°I do hair and nails, I do everything! I make money on the side doing people¡¯s hair. You want me to do yours,¡± she asks.
¡°Oh, my goodness, yes! I can get any role if you¡¯re do makeup!¡±
She gave me her card, and it¡¯s wonderfully designed as well. It¡¯s white, sparkly, and has gold lettering. It says, CASHMERE¡¯S BOUTIQUE.
¡°Why¡¯d you name your business Cashmere,¡± I asked.
¡°That¡¯s my name silly, why else,¡± she laughed.
¡°Even your name is glamourous, how are you not famous already?¡±
¡°You sweet, you know that? Don¡¯t end up like me,¡± Cashmere said.
¡°Working at a music shop,¡± I asked.
¡°Oh Lord, bestie, no. I mean, yeah, but I also meant jaded.¡±
¡°Oooohhh.¡±
Maybe Charlie was right when he said I was a little dumb.
Cashmere walked me over to the back wall and points out which companies are legit, the scams, and the thinly veiled porno casting calls. She helped me pick out a new guitar, a black Yamaha, and even secretly let me use her employee discount.
When I got home, I told Nick I had made a new friend.
Shouldve Been A Cowboy
I got lost a few times on the way to Cashmere¡¯s home. It was in a part of Austere I had never been to before, and it took longer than usual because the bus route didn¡¯t regularly run there.
When I got off the bus, I felt like something was different in this neighborhood. It wasn¡¯t clean but it wasn¡¯t dirty either. There were people out and about, talking to their neighbors, kids playing in the street, and for a few seconds I felt like I was in Edelweiss again.
Where everyone knew everyone, and everything wasn¡¯t so fast.
Everyone in this neighborhood knew each other, except for me, so a lot of them stared at me, even glared when I walked by. When I got to the house that was Cashmere¡¯s address I saw an older man on the cracked doorstep. He wore shorts and a sports jersey while drinking soda and smoking¡. something that was not a cigarette.
¡°Who are you,¡± he asked me.
¡°I¡¯m here to see Cashmere,¡± I said quietly. ¡°Who are you?¡±
¡°Mind your business.¡±
I feel a blood vessel about to pop from how quick his reply was. Without acknowledging me he gets up, opens the screen door, and goes inside. From outside I can hear yelling.
¡°Cash, some white girl is here to see you!¡±
I don¡¯t hear her.
¡°Girl, get out here,¡± he yelled.
¡°I¡¯m coming you piece of dust, give me some time!¡±
I awkwardly stand outside until Cashmere peeks her head outside and grins.
¡°Did that old man scare you? Don¡¯t mind my uncle, get in here,¡± she said.
Her neighborhood was a whole new world, and her house is as well.
I ain¡¯t never seen a house with red carpet and beads instead of doors. There¡¯s a painting of Jesus right next to the entrance when we enter but he¡¯s colored. Music plays and people are smoking¡something that is not a cigarette while sitting on the couch and watching a movie.
When I enter the living room one of the men immediately sits up straight and a bright light shone in his eyes.
¡°Cash where did you kidnap this woman? She¡¯s too pretty to be around you,¡± he said.
¡°This is my cousin, Denzel,¡± Cashmere said monotously. ¡°Next to Denzel is his sister, Asia.¡±
¡°I¡¯m single,¡± he said.
¡°He also unemployed, broke, ugly,¡± Asia said.
She takes a huge puff and starts laughing and choking through the smoke. The others on the couch start laughing too and Denzel starts to argue with them. Cashmere takes me with her towards the back of the house, opened a door, and inside is a tiny salon.
¡°Oh my gosh this amazing,¡± I said.
¡°Thanks, I try,¡± Cashmere said. ¡°You got anything in mind?¡±
¡°I don¡¯t know. I just want something that will set me apart from the other girls at the next audition.¡±
Cashmere nods, takes a step closer to me, and inspects my face. I feel like a dog at a dog show the way she inspects my hair, face and nails. She mutters a few words to herself and has become a different person inside the salon, much more serious.
¡°I got you,¡± she said. ¡°Get in my chair, girl.¡±
She starts by detangling my hair, sectioning it into little parts. I don¡¯t remember the last time I¡¯ve gotten my hair done proper, and I feel so special. Even though it¡¯s a small room inside her house, it feels like she put work into it.
¡°I¡¯m sorry about my family,¡± Cashmere said. ¡°They¡¯re just dumb sometimes.¡±
¡°It¡¯s not so bad. But your cousin made me feel more nervous than a nine-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.¡±
Cashmere stops washing my hair, and I open my eyes. I look up at her and she¡¯s trying to hold back laughter.
¡°You really are a cowboy, oh my god,¡± she said.
¡°I ain¡¯t a cowboy!¡±
She pokes fun at my accent while opening a window. Next, she put on some gloves and mixed some chemical concoction together.
¡°What¡¯s inside that bottle,¡± I asked.
¡°A new you.¡±
She used a brush to carefully apply it to every part of my hair. After she was done, she wrapped my hair in some weird plastic and set a timer. I don¡¯t know why but it makes me even more anxious of what the new me is supposed to be.
Once the timer goes off, she washes whatever is left in my hair, and does it all over again with another weird mixture and washes it out again.
¡°Don¡¯t worry, we almost there,¡± Cashmere promised me.
I take a few steps and get into another chair, but this one dries my hair. She does my nails while I sit underneath the dryer, and I tell her all about how different Edelweiss is from Austere.
When my hair is dry, she does my makeup, and suddenly I am no longer a cowboy.
I look into the large mirror hung up on the wall and fall in love with myself.
¡°I¡¯m blonde,¡± I giggled.
¡°You dig it?¡±
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¡°Oh my gosh, I love it!¡±
Cashmere takes me downstairs to show me off and somehow the group has grown since we last left. My face burns as she turns me around talks about the new techniques she used.
¡°Guess who got their hair did,¡± Cashmere said.
¡°Definitely not you,¡± Denzel said.
Cashmere took a tooth comb out of her back pocket and threw it at Denzel. I ain¡¯t never seen a man dodge something that fast. She must throw stuff at him all the time.
¡°Cash don¡¯t waste your time on this fool. It¡¯s time for dinner,¡± Asia said.
¡°Can I stay,¡± I asked.
¡°Bestie, of course you can.¡±
In the backyard, Cashmere¡¯s grumpy uncle makes the best hotdogs I have ever had. There are apparently moves to a lot of different songs I¡¯ve never heard of, like The Cupid Shuffle. People who earlier in the neighborhood glared at me are now in the backyard wanting to get to know me since I now have the Cashmere Seal of Approval.
I forgot to call Nick that night because I was having too much fun.
Act Naturally
Cashmere taught me to do makeup the way she does it, but I¡¯m not sure I did it right. I tell myself that I¡¯m gonna do positive thinking. If I set myself up for failure it will happen!
I am repeating positive mantras I have read from fortune cookies and calenders when I sit in a very boring room to audition for a role as a backup singer in a play about another singer¡¯s rise to fame.
The irony of it all.
I¡¯m so wound up in myself that I almost don¡¯t hear my name being called until the assistant gets my attention. He points at my sticker, a number on it to identify me, #47, and I shoot up from the waiting room couch. I¡¯m about to leave but I turn around and get my guitar.
The other women in the room smirk and giggle, and they know, they know it is my first time here.
I am choking.
I am choking on nothing as I stand in front of a panel of four judges, all of them with notepads. They seem bored before I even start, and I then it sinks in that I am #47. 46 other people came before me. They¡¯re probably ready to leave.
I¡¯ll give them a reason to stay.
¡°What¡¯s your name dear,¡± the first judge asks.
¡°Annabelle Lee,¡± I reply.
¡°Oh my god, that accent,¡± the second judge coos. ¡°Where are you from?¡±
¡°Edelweiss. Just one state over.¡±
¡°Okay Miss Edelweiss, what are you singing for us today?¡±
¡°I¡¯m singing Endless Possibilities.¡±
I start strumming my guitar, and just like Cashmere in her salon, I am a different me. The Annabelle on stage isn¡¯t unsure of anything. She knows which chords to play and when, how to stay in key. Life will never make sense a hundreded percent of the time, but it does whenever I¡¯m in front of a crowd.
This is my escape
I¡¯m running through this world
And I¡¯m not looking back!
The judge who loves my accent is tapping along to the beat, and the other three are smiling. I know I¡¯ve got this performance in the bag.
But how will I know when
I get there?
And how will I know
When to leave?
The song is a lot different to play on acoustic than electric. I had to to edit out a few parts, and sadly take out the awesome guitar solo in the middle, but I wanted to choose this song so badly. The lyrics just seemed so right.
I see it, I see it, and now it¡¯s all within my reach,
Endless possibility
I see it, I see it now, it¡¯s always been inside of me,
And now I feel so free, endless possibility
I finish the song and the judges clap. I see a few notes written down and I don¡¯t feel so nervous anymore. I¡¯m told that after they see a few more people at the list they¡¯ll make their decisions on roles.
I go back to the waiting room with all the women who smirked and laughed knowing that I will be the one looking down at them on stage a few months from now.
An hour later I am told that I do not get a role for any of the back up singers, and I am not an understudy, but that they ¡°wish me the best¡±. Outside of the audition hall I try to hold back tears and clutch my phone close to my chest.
One of the judges from earlier passes by and stops to talk to me.
¡°Oh it¡¯s you! You were wonderful,¡± she gushes. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry you get a part.¡±
¡°What did I do wrong? I thought I could sing at least decent.¡±
The judge looks around quickly and makes sure we¡¯re alone. She motions for me to get close and speaks low.
¡°The director of the play wanted his daughter in it,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±
I grit my teeth and my vision goes blurry as I start to cry. This stranger I have never met, with her nice perfume and fancy shawl holds me as I sob into her arms.
¡°This isn¡¯t the first time darling and it won¡¯t be the last. I¡¯m so sorry,¡± she said.
¡°It ain¡¯t gotta be like this. It don¡¯t have to be,¡± I beg. ¡°Isn¡¯t there something you can do?¡±
She closed her eyes, sighs and then tsks. She reaches into her purse, takes out a card, and gave it to me.
¡°Tell him that Charlotte sent you. Don¡¯t do anything you don¡¯t want to do or aren¡¯t prepared to have come bite you in the ass twenty years later,¡± she commands me. ¡°Never tell a soul in the play¡¯s production about this and if I ask for a favor later, you owe me.¡±
I nod, soak in ever word she tells me like it¡¯s a new gospel. She walks off, heels click-clacking down the hall and I¡¯m no longer crying.
I think about wanting to be her on my way home.
Once I get off the metro it¡¯s already dark. I think about Charlie, and how he said he¡¯d become famous before I did. I decided to give him a call and tell him I just got a golden ticket to the chocolate factory.
He doesn¡¯t pick up until I call the second time, and when he does it¡¯s loud in the background. There¡¯s lots of shouting and music, and he takes a while to find a quiet spot to talk to me.
¡°Charlie, what are you doing? Where are you?¡±
¡°I¡¯m at a party,¡± he laughed.
¡°Where at?¡±
¡°A friend brought me! It¡¯s at some guy called uh¡ Kafe? Koiwe? Some DJ guy?¡±
I scream my head off and Charlie protests from the other side of line.
¡°Woman! Don¡¯t do that!¡±
¡°How did you meet DJ KayFe? Is he as handsome as everyone says he is? Can I come?¡±
¡°How you gonna get to Las Estrellas when you out in Austere,¡± he asked.
He said Los Estrellas the way someone would say ¡®laws and stars¡¯. When I correct him he tells me I can¡¯t know how to say the name of the town, because I don¡¯t live there.
¡°Anyway, what you call me about Anne?¡±
My business card to the possibility of more auditions seems like nothing compared to Charlie rubbing shoulders with a DJ that sells out every show.
¡°Nothing. Just wanted to check in on you.¡±
I enter my apartment building and get into the old elevator that rattles the higher it goes. I listen to Charlie tell me about all he¡¯s been up to while he¡¯s been in Las Estrellas.
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We left Edelweiss at the same time, and yet somehow he seems so much closer to stardom than me.
The call dropped because I was in the elevator too long, but I didn¡¯t call him back. I¡¯m embarrassed. I shouldn¡¯t be. I got out of the elevator, put the key into my lock and entered my empty apartment.
I was so proud of myself when I was able to get my own apartment.
I then realized I probably would be unable to put furniture in my apartment with how much rent took up and how much I made. I take off my shoes in my bedroom and collapse onto my ¡°bed¡± which is just a pile of blankets.
I fall asleep while texting Nick again.
Dreams
On my next day off I go to my scheduled appointment at The Funhouse. I called on the phone and said Charlotte recommended me, and immediately I was given a time and a date, not even asked why or what about.
When I got to the building, it¡¯s a lot different than what I expected. It¡¯s a refurbished warehouse. On the outside it looks quite dreary, but on the inside there¡¯s people walking back and forth, luxurious costumes, different sets in different corners. The man in charge of it all, Gregorio, is the center of it all.
So much is going on at once, and I don¡¯t know which is better. This zoo of people hidden in plain sight at this warehouse, or Gregorio himself. He is literally the center of attention with his desk in the center of the floor. I¡¯m led to him by a twiggy secretary who also turns me side to side, displaying my body.
¡°Uh yes, hi, hello. I¡¯m Annabelle.¡±
¡°Yes, I know, we will fix that, don¡¯t worry,¡± Gregorio said.
¡°What¡¯s wrong with my name,¡± I asked.
The secretary and Gregorio look at each other with a knowing glance and I feel quite small. The secretary walks off to get something and I find the closest chair next to me.
¡°I have heard of you, but you have never heard of me. That is how it should be,¡± Gregorio said. ¡°I make stars. I like to think I¡¯m more powerful than them.¡±
¡°How can you be powerful if not everyone knows you?¡±
¡°Power comes in many forms love. I will teach you. First, tell me about yourself.¡±
¡°My name is Annabelle Lee. I¡¯m from Edelweiss and I like to sing. I really like pancakes¡¡±
Gregorio inspects me the way Cashmere does. Looking at my hair, face, and nails.
¡°You tried the direct route to singing and it didn¡¯t work I¡¯m assuming?¡±
¡°Yes! How¡¯d you know?¡±
¡°Most singers don¡¯t start as singers. Always something else. Choose your something else right now.¡±
¡°I, I don¡¯t know-¡°
¡°Fine, I pick. Model.¡±
¡°Wait. No, I want more time!¡±
Gregorio points at a feminine man in a skirt and yells at him in a different language. The man dashes off and comes back with a rack of clothes. From Gregorio¡¯s desk he opens a toolbox and takes out a measuring tape.
¡°Moment of truth,¡± he says.
He measured my waist, raised his eyebrows, and said nothing.
¡°What¡¯s wrong,¡± I ask.
¡°Nothing.¡±
I feel like something is wrong. I plead with my eyes, and he finally tells me.
¡°Clothes are wrong. If you love yourself, then love your clothes,¡± Gregorio says.
Gregorio talks to me while rapidly looking through the clothes rack, pausing at a few, and then moving on.
¡°What¡¯s your favorite color,¡± he barks.
¡°Uh, Huh. Uh.¡±
¡°COLOR!¡±
I¡¯m panicking.
¡°Pink,¡± I shout.
He touches a piece of clothing, pauses, and looks at me.
¡°How old are you again?¡±
¡°Twenty.¡±
¡°You are no longer Annabelle. You are now Rose. Congratulations!¡±
¡°What did my age have to do with this,¡± I ask.
¡°If you were twenty-one then your name would be Lush. Sex sells.¡±
My skin crawls at the matter-of-fact way he says it. Gregorio passes some clothes to the man next to him, and once he finds his choices passable, he turns to me.
¡°Who did your hair,¡± he asks.
¡°My friend! I am so sorry!¡±
¡°You fabulous,¡± the assistant says.
¡°Yes, it¡¯s nice, have her come here some time,¡± Gregorio coos.
I learned that I have been doing everything wrong from my name to my clothes so this is a nice change of approval. Gregorio passes me a dress and commands me to try it on.
¡°Okay, where¡¯s the dressing room?¡±
¡°Somewhere, just change here,¡± Gregorio says.
¡°Oh, my stars you can¡¯t be serious.¡±
Gregorio and his assistant again give each other the look.
¡°You have no previous experience in modeling,¡± Gregorio asks.
¡°None.¡±
¡°Acting?¡±
¡°I was in a school play once.¡±
Gregorio and the assistant started saying something to each other again in another language, some of the words sounding very angry. The more they spoke, the more I started to believe I understood what they were saying from facial expressions alone.
¡°Antonio said I give you a chance, so I give you a chance,¡± Gregorio sighs. ¡°The things you do for love.¡±
¡°Love? You two?¡±
¡°Yes, he is my husband, isn¡¯t it obvious,¡± Gregorio scoffs.
I do not mention that I thought his husband was his assistant instead of business partner. I don¡¯t want to ruin this chance. I changed into the dress given to me, in front of all these people.
None of them seem to care, and out of the corner of my eye I notice someone else is changing too. That calms me down a little and I don¡¯t feel as shy anymore.
Gregorio and Antonio circle me, like hawks, trying to find more weaknesses.
¡°Stand up straighter, tilt your chin up! You are pretty! Act like it,¡± Gregorio commands.
I do as he says but I don¡¯t know if I feel any prettier.
¡°Go with Antonio. He will finish.¡±
After twenty minutes of having my hair fixed and face done, I¡¯m put in front of a camera. I feel so tired and I think I¡¯ve only been in the building for an hour.
¡°Smile,¡± Antonio says. ¡°Everyone look nice with smile.¡±
I smile but it¡¯s not genuine.
Antonio stops the photographer and comes to me. He is nothing like his husband, with his softer voice and kindness. His English isn¡¯t as good, but I still understand what he means.
¡°Dream in here,¡± Antonio says, pointing at my heart.
¡°Put here,¡± Antonio says, now pointing outside, at the window.
This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.
I give my heart to the world when I smile for my first headshot.
I feel prettier once I see them.
I get my first callbacks once I start using them.
Golden Woman
After two months living in Austere, I got my big break.
It was a commercial for hair dye.
I find it funny since I¡¯m not a natural blonde, and Cashmere didn¡¯t even use the same brand to dye my hair with. But the people who saw the commercial will never know.
I have never been so excited to watch cable instead of Netflix in my life. After one more month of patience the hair commercial is all over major broadcast networks. Almost every family in America will have seen my face after watching another episode of a cop drama.
I didn¡¯t realize how big of a deal it was until Gregorio explained what residuals and royalties are to me. I don¡¯t really know what those are either, until I check my bank account one morning, and I can¡¯t believe my eyes.
Ten grand.
I dance in my empty living room while I think about the money I will get from each time the commercial plays. I imagine all the brand-new furniture I will get in my apartment, or maybe even a brand-new apartment!
I grabbed my phone and call Charlie to tell him all about it.
He picks up, groaning and confused.
¡°Anne its 6 AM? Are you okay?¡±
¡°Oh, the time zone difference, I forgot. Sorry.¡±
¡°Its okay, what¡¯s up?¡±
¡°I¡¯m on TV!¡±
I scream at the top of my lungs until my neighbor above me tells me to ¡°shut the fuck up¡±.
¡°Wait, how are you on TV? You on the news? Who you kill, girl,¡± Charlie asks.
¡°Why you like this? Just go to CWBC, they said it¡¯s gonna show on there!¡±
¡°I ain¡¯t got cable. Only old people watch TV now.¡±
¡°Okay, search it up online!¡±
After a few minutes he finds my commercial on the brand¡¯s page and he¡¯s impressed.
¡°Thank goodness you got on TV without having to kill someone. I don¡¯t wanna visit you in prison,¡± Charlie says.
¡°Hush! You¡¯re not even on TV!¡±
¡°¡¯Course I ain¡¯t. I don¡¯t want my fans to have one foot in the grave,¡± he laughed. ¡°I¡¯m an underwriter.¡±
¡°A¡what? Underwear?¡±
¡°Underwriter. I write songs for famous people until I become famous too,¡± he explains.
¡°How¡¯d that happen??¡±
¡°Remember the DJ? At the party I met someone, and he liked my stuff! So, I write for him! My song¡¯s coming out on his next album!¡±
¡°Who?¡±
¡°I can¡¯t say until the album comes out. That¡¯s why I never said nothing. But I¡¯ll tell ya when it does. Promise.¡±
¡°Oh¡okay¡¡±
Next month, when I get my check for eight grand, the song Charlie wrote for Johnny Keys is released. DJ KayFi has a remix, and it makes his song even more popular.
Charlie is now so rich he doesn¡¯t need to work for quite a long time.
I still work as a waitress because I am unsure if I will ever get lucky again. I feel embarrassed about this seed of hatred in my heart towards him. I thought it would go away once we stopped fighting over Nick, but it never went away.
Maybe Nick was just the beginning of something bigger.
My fifth month in Austere I got another call during my break at work. It¡¯s for a side character in a small film. I¡¯ve never heard of the studio but the more times I¡¯m on screen the better. I take the role so I can tell Charlie I¡¯ll be in a movie before he was.
I tell myself to get rid of this seed of hatred and be positive.
But it¡¯s so hard.
The seed of hatred in my heart grows into a sprout when my shift at work ends and I arrive home.
As I sit in front of my fancy new vanity mirror, with lights and a full professional make up set, I pretend that I am already on set. I¡¯ve been practicing acting methods every night alone in my room, but I feel like its not enough. I felt silly practicing by myself until I remembered Charlie, and then the sprout of hatred grew even more.
Charlie is my new inspiration.
¡°Who¡¯s gonna ruin who now, Charlie,¡± I sneer into the mirror.
When I fall asleep, I feel tougher than I¡¯ve ever been.
I feel less nervous on the movie set with Cashmere here.
I put in a good word for her at the hair dye commercial, and when I got the role in the small film, I mentioned that I knew someone who was good at hair and makeup.
Cashmere got the job as an apprentice on set, and I¡¯ve never been happier for her. Cashmere is on my left and my head is resting on the window, smiling at the familiar fields upon fields of flowers and their protective trees.
We¡¯re riding inside a rented-out bus on our way to the middle of nowhere to shoot the few first scenes. Half of the movie will be shot in the fields near Edelweiss, so I figured I could come back and visit home while working.
¡°I can see why you talk about the place so much,¡± Cashmere says. ¡°It¡¯s so pretty.¡±
¡°Yeah, it¡¯s pretty but don¡¯t get too close to the farms. It don¡¯t smell pretty,¡± I reply.
We gossip the entire way to our ¡°movie set¡± which is a field of white flowers near an abandoned barn. Our shoot today is shorter than usual because the first scene is supposed to be a younger version of the two lead actors- a little girl and a little boy.
The little girl and little boy remind me of Charlie and me. Our hair and eyes are even the same colors.
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The director, Lilah, is supposedly some up-and-coming in the sub-genre of something-or-whatever. That doesn¡¯t matter to me, but what does matter is the way she looks at me.
Between shoots Lilah looks at me like she¡¯s hungry. Like she¡¯s never eaten a day in her life. Like I am the only thing she wants to eat and would ever need to eat.
She¡¯s been looking at me like that since the audition, and since the table readings. Her eyes travel more than a pair of wheels whenever I¡¯m around.
I¡¯m not stupid.
I¡¯ve seen that look on men before, ever since I moved to Austere.
Cashmere told me to use every asset I can. That there is no such thing as just a pretty face. So I take what I can get.
I wait until Lilah goes into the director¡¯s RV and knock a few minutes later. She¡¯s delighted when I come inside and even more excited when I ¡°accidentally¡± drop some of my actor¡¯s notes and bend over to pick them up.
¡°What can I help you with, Annabelle,¡± Lilah asks.
She¡¯s sitting at a table, drinking coffee. She shifts uncomfortably in her chair and I put on my charm.
¡°You can call me Anne. All my friends do,¡± I reply.
She¡¯s delighted.
¡°Okay, Anne! What¡¯s up?¡±
¡°I was wondering if you could give me one-on-one lessons with acting. I¡¯m very¡ inexperienced¡¡±
I wasn¡¯t lying. I did need help, and I could have asked anyone else on the set with a lot freer time than the director. But I chose her, and it made her feel special.
Lilah turns red, her mind clinging to the words inexperienced. She plays with her long dyed pink hair and absent-mindedly bites her lip.
¡°I¡¯m kinda busy right now, but I can help you practice later on tonight,¡± Lilah offers.
¡°That¡¯s great! I got a place in the town over. I¡¯ll be staying there tonight.¡±
Lilah is trying not to let her eyes wander but they do. I say nothing and let them. I ask her twenty questions about herself and sometimes touch her shoulder. By the time I leave her RV about an hour has passed and I make plans to get more lines in the movie.
Here You Come Again
It¡¯s Monday night at The One Trick Pony, and it¡¯s like I never left home.
Tonight¡¯s theme is the Fourth of July in December. I really hope they find someone other than Harry to choose the themed nights eventually.
Some of the crew came along with me to the bar, a lot more than I thought, so it was a wild surprise when a bunch of out-of-towners suddenly appeared. Harry makes a dash towards us, suspicious until he sets his eyes on me.
¡°Good Lord is that you Annabelle Lee,¡± Harry asks. ¡°You¡¯re so different.¡±
¡°Thank you, Harry,¡± I reply.
¡°What made you think that was a compliment?¡±
¡°What made you think I wasn¡¯t sarcastic?¡±
We tease each other and Harry tells the bartender that me and my entire group get drinks on the house. Afterwards, he takes the stage and brings in the mic too close, as he usually does.
¡°Guess WHO IS HERE,¡± Harry spits into the mic. ¡°ANNABELLE!¡±
Drunk cheers reverberate through the bar and Harry makes another announcement.
¡°It¡¯s so wonderful to have both Annabelle and Charlie BACK,¡± Harry shouts aggressively. ¡°Guess this town just DRAGGED YA BACK IN LIKE A BLACK HOLE!!!¡±
My heart sinks once I hear Charlie¡¯s name. How is here? I never told him where the shoot was gonna be. I¡¯ve been upstaged again.
From the drunken crowd comes Charlie pushing through. He somehow looks bigger and prettier than when I last saw him. He¡¯s wearing only a cowboy hat, star-spangled banner denim shorts and cowboy boots.
Lilah comes up from behind and takes my hand.
¡°Surprise! I met Charlie at a film festival, and he mentioned you! I kept it a surprise,¡± Lilah exclaims. ¡°He even recommended you for the movie!¡±
¡°How wonderful,¡± I say through grit teeth. ¡°I am definitely surprised that Charlie helped me get this role.¡±
¡°It¡¯s all about friends lifting each other up, ain¡¯t that right Anne,¡± Charlie says with a smile. ¡°Maybe you¡¯ll catch up to me with enough hard work.¡±
My heart is beating so fast from anger that I¡¯m losing breath. Here I thought I made it on my own and Charlie did it all. Why can¡¯t I be grateful? This can¡¯t really still be about Nicholas, can it?
¡°Nick and Evangeline are waiting for you,¡± Charlie says. ¡°Come with me!¡±
I take this chance to wiggle free of Lilah and have a happy reunion. When I get to the table, I see Nick and Evangeline holding hands and sitting close.
¡°Oh goodness, you never told me that y¡¯all got together,¡± I say.
¡°It was really recent,¡± Evangeline replies.
She¡¯s in her own crazy outfit with a flag-themed hat, a white dress, and bedazzled red, white and blue boots. Nick is wearing a matching outfit with her. They look cute together, with the honeymoon phase in full swing.
I feel weird.
¡°I need some air, I¡¯ll be right back,¡± I say quickly.
I go out the side exit and into the alleyway. I squat in the dark and ask myself hard questions.
¡°What did I expect,¡± I say to myself softly. ¡°You never even asked him to wait.¡±
So much changed and stayed the same while I was gone.
While sulking in the dark, Lilah opens the side exit and sits down next to me. She rubs my back and I wonder if bad choices will repeat in the same alley but with Lilah instead of Nick.
¡°Are you drunk,¡± Lilah asks.
¡°No, just got my own feelings hurt,¡± I reply. ¡°In Austere I felt like nobody, and I thought coming back here I¡¯d be somebody. Guess I ain¡¯t.¡±
¡°I thought the same thing too when I came back to my hometown. It was just like this,¡± Lilah says.
¡°You. You¡¯re from a town like Edelweiss?¡±
¡°Yeah,¡± she laughed. ¡°My hometown inspired me to make this movie. I had to leave there eventually, but it always calls back to me.¡±
¡°Why¡¯d ya have to leave?¡±
¡°Girls like us don¡¯t last long in places like this. You know what I mean?¡±
I nod and she gets a funny look in her eyes. Lilah is feeling something that I am not feeling and leans in for a kiss. Just as I feel her hot breath on mine, I move away.
¡°Not out here,¡± I tell her. ¡°Later.¡±
¡°Of course. Later.¡±
Lilah takes my hand, pulls me up, and without words convinces me to come back inside.
Inside I remember my Monday night routine. I sign up for the performance of the night and belt out Here You Come Again.
Here you come again
Just when I''ve begun to get myself together
You waltz right in the door
Just like you''ve done before
And wrap my heart ''round your little finger
The sprout of hatred grows quite big as I sing my number. I dance along to it; with the new moves I¡¯ve been practicing alone. Whistles and cheers come from the crowd whenever I twist and shake my hips. My dreams leave my heart and leap into the crowd when people sing along.
I glance into the crowd in Nick¡¯s direction for a split second and I see what I wanted.
The hungry look that I can only satisfy. That I am to be devoured, whole, and it¡¯s all he can think about. His eyes swallow me when mine meet his, and I put more soul into my performance.
You look into my eyes
And lie those pretty lies
And pretty soon I''m wonderin'' how I came to doubt you
In this moment he is the only one in the audience, the bar, the entire world.
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All you got to do is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
I take one last breath and give the final chorus my all.
And here I go~
I hold out the last note as long as possible and I get roaring applause. I take a bow and bask in the limelight of my first group of fans. People in the crowd complain that professionals should be banned from karaoke night.
They might be wrong but they ain¡¯t right neither.
Cashmere is in a state of shock and awe. I told her I could sing but she never seen me sing like this before. When I get off the stage she runs up to me and gives me a giant hug.
¡°You better tell me that you sing like that all your auditions,¡± she tells me.
¡°I think I do. I probably do.¡±
She gives me a skeptical side eye and I start to wonder. Have I been holding myself back this entire time? Is that why Charlie¡¯s ahead of me?
He won¡¯t be for long.
I drank half my weight in beer that night until my mind sloshes around like fruits in a blender. When it was time to go home, I looked for my keys, not understanding that I had gone there without a car.
I feel dizzy and sit on the pavement, put my head between my knees and try not to throw up in front of half the town and my coworkers. I¡¯m seeing double and I don¡¯t know which side is up.
A nice man with a familiar voice offers to take me home.
I said yes and I got into his truck.
I wake up in Charlie¡¯s bed.
He¡¯s right next to me, still asleep, breathing softly. I don¡¯t remember how I got here. The sun is rising, and I can hear the chickens and roosters screaming their heads off in the distance.
The blanket only goes up to waist, and he¡¯s shirtless, so I assume the worst. I¡¯m not wearing my skirt, but a pair of his old basketball shorts and more confusion sinks into my skull.
¡°Oh, Sweet Lord,¡± I say breathlessly. ¡°I finally had sex and didn¡¯t even remember it.¡±
Cowboy Take Me Away
I try my hardest and hitch Charlie¡¯s shorts up to my navel, but they just keep slipping down. I don¡¯t know where my skirt is, can¡¯t remember how I got to his house, and I definitely don¡¯t remember a damn thing between then and when I woke up.
I decided to just sneak out of his house and deal with it later.
It¡¯s for the best anyway.
Just as I put my hand on the doorknob, a loud banging comes from the door.
¡°Charlie! CHARLES! WAKE UP! Feed the dog CHARLES!¡±
Charlie¡¯s mother scared the piss out of me. I clutch the doorknob like a life raft and pray to the Good Lord Above that she doesn¡¯t try to enter.
Charlie stirs awake, sits up in bed, takes one look at me, and mumbles a quick greeting. I blush and avert my eyes when he starts to get up from the bed but then I see he has clothes on.
His gaudy looking shorts from last night sparkle as he walks to the bathroom, opens it, and comes back out with a plastic bag. He drops it on the wooden floor and a smell comes from it.
¡°Your skirt. You got beer and vomit all over it,¡± he said in disgust.
¡°I have never been so happy to see vomit all over my clothes in my life,¡± I say.
¡°What? Girl, what are you on about,¡± he asks me.
I waddle over to his bed, still holding up his gargantuan shorts and sit on it. I turn hot all over as he pesters me to speak, and I finally can but I can¡¯t look him in the eye.
¡°Sir. I woke up this morning with different clothes. And you had no shirt on,¡± I said quietly. ¡°I was about to sneak out and deny everything.¡±
¡°¡¯Aint nothing to deny. You¡¯re confused ¡®cause you read too many of those silly romance books,¡± Charlie said.
He laughed his weird horse laugh, and I covered my face, as if it would erase my bad decisions from last night. He sat next to me, and the bed creaked down a little. I lean on his shoulder, and he puts his arm around me, and draws me close.
¡°Annabelle Lee, if any man ever takes advantage of you one night while you are drunker than a skunk I will be in prison by the morning,¡± he assures me.
¡°I¡¯ll visit you every chance I get,¡± I reply.
¡°You better!¡±
I feel so childish and insecure when Charlie explains what happened. I figure maybe I¡¯m just being paranoid- the hangover ¡®aint helping much neither.
Charlie¡¯s mom ain¡¯t helping much when she opens the door and sees us together, hugging up on each other.
She makes some sort of choking noise, and then quickly slams the door.
¡°I told you not to come in without knocking Momma, I ain¡¯t a child no more,¡± Charlie shouted.
¡°Charlie, stop!¡±
¡°I don¡¯t walk into her room and tell her about her life!¡±
¡°Charles she¡¯s your mother,¡± I say in exasperation. ¡°Go tell her nothing happened.¡±
¡°No, you do it.¡±
¡°Get me some pants and I will.¡±
Charlie finds a pair of pants that can fit me, and a shirt as well. It¡¯s a pair of gym shorts from high school wedged all the way in the back of his closet, dying in the dark until I rescued it. The shirt is from the top of his ¡°clean¡± pile, and I pray to the Good Lord Above that it is indeed clean, but I doubt it.
After getting dressed I come down the familiar, old squeaky steps and enter the kitchen to meet Charlie¡¯s parents. The kitchen is nice and warm, the smell of bacon is everywhere, and the cute yellow and white tablecloth is still there.
Nothing has changed.
Charlie¡¯s father raises his eyebrows when he sees me, and his mother says nothing. I take a seat at the table and try not to sound guilty. Yet I do somehow sound guilty for a crime I did not commit.
¡°Good morning,¡± I say.
¡°Good morning, Anne. You want some coffee,¡± Mr. Wolf asks me.
¡°Yes please, sir.¡±
He passes the coffee carafe and Mrs. Wolf gives me a mug of my own.
¡°Charlie was very kind last night,¡± I announce.
¡°Oh, was he now,¡± Mr. Wolf asks.
¡°Yes. Took me home when I had a little too much to drink. ¡®Shoulda known better.¡±
Mrs. Wolf seems pleased at the news of Charlie and I acting as one should. Mr. Wolf has had enough gossip for now, and he putters off to feed the dog and fetch the mail.
Once he¡¯s gone, Charlie¡¯s mother is a whole new woman.
¡°Are you sure you and Charles-¡°
¡°Yes, I am sure,¡± I nod.
Mrs. Wolf puts the stove on low and sighs. She gives me the knowing look, the look that all women give each other when they are about to say something that should not travel.
¡°I fear for Charles soul in that town,¡± she tells me. ¡°Especially with all those communists there.¡±
¡°I¡¯m sure he can fight off anything that comes his way,¡± I reply.
¡°Charles is strong. That is for sure. But he, like all men, are weak in another way.¡±
She stretches out the words, and I hope she is not trying to tell me what I think she is, because this is a lot before 9 AM.
¡°Even in Edelweiss he is not safe,¡± Mrs. Wolf says. ¡°That¡Nick. I know what he is, and I don¡¯t like it.¡±
¡°What is he!?!¡±
Mrs. Wolf has an interesting, a bit of a scary smile on her face. She makes the same face all the old women at church make right before they tell the entire town and Jesus someone else¡¯s personal business.
¡°I want to say a temporary bachelor, but now he¡¯s with Evangeline. Poor thing,¡± Mrs. Wolf says.
She takes the bacon out, keeps the fat, and now starts on making eggs. I try to help her clean as she goes and she smiles, approving of me, all thoughts of my indecency out the window.
¡°I want to believe that I saw something else the other night,¡± Mrs. Wolf said. ¡°It was back before he left. The night before, to be exact.¡±
¡°What did you see?¡±
¡°I was finding it hard to sleep and looked out my back window. There I saw Nicholas and Charles sitting outside, using the old telescope. It looked harmless until I saw Nicholas lean over and¡.¡±
Mrs. Wolf made a look of disgust and I tried to make the most shocked face possible I could muster. I worry I am overdoing it, but it seems my acting is finally improving because she seems to believe it.
¡°I won¡¯t say anything to Pastor Grant if you¡¯re here and something happens,¡± Mrs. Wolf said. ¡°I most definitely would not.¡±
She would. I can feel it in my bones.
¡°You¡¯re telling me to seduce Charlie,¡± I ask her dryly. ¡°That man has no interest in me whatsoever.¡±
¡°Don¡¯t, don¡¯t say that,¡± she replies. ¡°He is a good man. And look at you! You¡¯re gorgeous.¡±
She gestured to me while I wiped my hands on his old shirt and was not feeling gorgeous in that moment. I was starting to see why Charlie was so scared of telling me.
He knew his mom¡¯s reaction, so he assumed the worst in me.
I grab the ends of my shirt and try not to cry. Charlie is rejected without even knowing it, and I don¡¯t want to be the one to tell him.
His mother is well-meaning. She does love him. She loves me too. She hugs me tight and promises me she¡¯ll talk me up more to him. She tells me that she wishes she was as beautiful as I when she was my age.
Mr. Wolf returns with the newspaper, and I walk off before he can see me crumple like an old napkin. I walk up the stairs and, on my way, I see Charlie.
I stopped him, took his hand, and took him to his room.
¡°Why you got that look on your face,¡± Charlie asked.
¡°Your mom knows, Charles.¡±
He didn¡¯t need an explanation of what she knew. He just wanted to know how.
¡°She said she saw you and Nick the night before you left for Las Estraalas. Said she saw y¡¯all outside.¡±
Charlie has a new look on his face that I have only seen once before. During the summer of 8
th grade, he broke Josh Hasley¡¯s window on a dare, and of course he was caught. He had the same face, the International Face of Fear, no translation needed.
Amazing how a man can be a foot taller and weigh twice as much than his mother and still be afraid of her.
He is now the one covering his face in shame and remorse on the bed, and now we have traded places because now I¡¯m the one comforting him. His hair is still wet from the shower and is getting everywhere, but he doesn¡¯t care.
¡°Charlie it¡¯s gonna be okay,¡± I tell him.
¡°Anne she saw us having sex I-¡°
¡°CHARLIE!¡±
I smack his arm, and he grunts and complains repeatedly as I smack his arm over and over again.
¡°She told me she saw y¡¯all kiss. Charlie, what the hell?¡±
¡°Oh. Oh okay, that¡¯s not so bad,¡± Charlie says.
The International Face of Fear is now gone and I want to smack his face.
¡°Charlie, you can¡¯t just give it up like that, you gotta make him work for it,¡± I tell him.
¡°I am still not having girl talk with you.¡±
¡°Fine. I¡¯m just saying, why do it with someone you ain¡¯t sure you¡¯re never gonna see again!¡±
¡°I am not being judged by a girl that lost her virginity in the tenth grade,¡± Charlies replies.
¡°Butt stuff don¡¯t count. Everyone knows that. I¡¯ve only done butt stuff.¡±
¡°Lie to yourself all you want but you ain¡¯t pure neither,¡± Charlie says. ¡°Stop lecturing me and do something if you care so badly.¡±
¡°You¡¯re right.¡±
Charlie looks uncomfortable again because I am no longer arguing with him.
Weird man.
¡°Charlie, ask your momma to let me stay here until New Year¡¯s,¡± I tell him. ¡°You said you¡¯re gonna be here ¡®till then, right?¡±
¡°Uh¡yeah?¡±
¡°Well, just pretend that during that time, all of a sudden you¡¯ve just¡noticed how much I¡¯ve changed¡ and matured.¡±
¡°You look the same.¡±
¡°Good Lord, Charles, ask me out, make it public! Half the town already thinks we¡¯re engaged!¡±
I groan in frustration and lie on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. A mechanical pencil is stuck in the ceiling, and I try to remember a time when it has not been there.
I can¡¯t.
¡°Lying is wrong,¡± Charlie said.
¡°Yeah but, think about it Charlie. You wanna be famous, don¡¯t you? Right?¡±
¡°I- ¡±
¡°You want to do country music, right? You need an image to uphold. I need an image too.¡±
¡°I just. I didn¡¯t go to Las Estrellas to become stuck. I don¡¯t want to.¡±
¡°Then what are you going to tell your mother? What are you gonna do when she tells another lady in town that you¡¯re single?¡±
Charlie lies on the bed with me, and he also inspects the ceiling pencil, possibly going through the same thought process as I.
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¡°I hate you,¡± Charlie says.
I turn towards him and come in close for a hug. He holds me to his chest, and I smell his 17-in-1 body wash. He holds me tighter and I start to wonder if my intentions of being his fake girlfriend aren¡¯t pure.
¡°You always get every man I¡¯ve ever wanted, Anne. Even myself,¡± Charlie says. ¡°Are you happy?¡±
¡°No.¡±
¡°And why not?¡±
¡°¡¯Gotta take me on a date first,¡± I mumble into his chest. ¡°Make a proper woman out of me.¡±
He laughs his horse laugh, and I know he is all better.
¡°By your logic Anne, I am in fact, still a virgin.¡±
¡°Oh, gosh. You¡¯re dirty, you know that?¡±
I smack him with a pillow while he continues laughing. I strike him faster, but it only seems to make him laugh harder. I pause as a thought sinks into my skull.
¡°Which one of y¡¯all is the girl?¡±
¡°Get out of my room you stupid, girl.¡±
¡°Make me.¡±
It is now my turn to be attacked by the pillows. It is an unfair fight. He tickles me and I try not to scream, but I do, when his mother opens the door, and sees him on top of me.
She closes the door.
Hallelujah
The next Sunday at church is the most exciting day in town for every old woman, and the saddest day for every young man.
It¡¯s a strange day because it¡¯s cold for once in the South, but not any colder than 50 degrees. I am no longer underdressed whenever I visit thanks to Evangeline. She helped me pick out a suit and tie one day when we went into town and taught me about how much appearances matter.
So, I appear with her at church that Sunday and so does Charlie and Annabelle. They appear together, holding hands, talking about how they finally decided to stop wondering what-if.
I think it¡¯s a joke up until I see Charlie bend over slightly to kiss her on the lips. Evangeline¡¯s eyebrows lift up to the ceiling at the bold display of public affection. I find myself staring and blushing, my collar to tight around my neck, and I avert my eyes once I notice that I am staring.
The after-church picnic is sadly canceled, my true reasoning for wanting to come, but my prayers are answered when Pastor Grant announces that we¡¯re just moving into the basement.
I am on my third cornbread muffin and still staring when Evangeline jabs me in the arm.
¡°Why,¡± I grumbled.
¡°Staring is rude, Nicholas. Take a picture at this point,¡± she tells me.
¡°I, I am not staring,¡± I lie.
¡°Then what is so interesting in that general direction,¡± she asks.
She points to where Annabelle and Charlie are sitting. They¡¯re sitting on two plastic fold out chairs and talking to an old friend from high school, reminiscing and making jokes.
¡°I think it¡¯s just a great place to look at,¡± I tell her.
¡°You shouldn¡¯t lie inside a church,¡± she replies.
¡°I¡¯m not lying,¡± I lie again.
¡°Yes, you are,¡± she says in a huff.
¡°I can¡¯t be lying because my mouth is full.¡±
I stuff the last piece of cornbread in my mouth and Evangeline playfully grabs my plate away.
¡°If you¡¯re gonna stare, at least don¡¯t be so obvious,¡± she tells me.
I swallow the last bit of cornbread in my mouth and try my hardest to be suave. I lean in real close and whisper into Evangeline¡¯s ear.
¡°You can never know when I¡¯m staring, because whenever I do, you¡¯re walking away.¡±
¡°Nicholas!¡±
People turn to look, and Evangeline¡¯s pale face starts to sweat. She¡¯s not a very good actor because she doesn¡¯t seem angry at me. Maybe she¡¯s angry that I said what I said in church.
¡°Yes Evangeline? What¡¯s wrong?¡±
¡°¡nothing,¡± she says quietly. ¡°I¡¯m gonna get some water.¡±
She walks away and I grin waiting for her to turn to look back. She does, and now she¡¯s all flustered because I am watching. She turns back but now she walks differently, more self-aware of the way I am eating her body with my eyes and I do not think I will ever be full.
After church I try to drink as much of her beauty as I can by being alone with her.
I¡¯m in her office, at the Nighthawk Diner.
The only light in the room comes from the window of the door, and the only sounds inside are our heavy breathing. I hoisted her up onto the desk and slip my tongue into her mouth.
We kiss and giggle in the dark, and my hands crawl up her skirt. She lets my hands travel and the taboo of it all excites me.
¡°Just an hour ago we were in church,¡± I whisper in her ear. ¡°Now I¡¯m inside of you.¡±
¡°You¡¯re getting ahead of yourself,¡± she replies.
I am not, because she lets me inside.
My fingers to be specific.
She latches on to me while I move inside, and her breathing gets shallower and deeper. Her heels fall off her feet when another finger enters, and she tries to not moan. Her hips shake when I move my fingers in a ¡®come here¡¯ motion and Evangeline has given up on keeping her voice down.
I want more of me inside of her but a small quiet voice in the back of my head tells me no, while Evangeline is moaning yes.
I tell myself that I shouldn¡¯t be nervous, but I am not nervous. I try to quiet the voice in the back of my head, but it is getting louder when I quickly unbuckle my pants. The voice is now shouting when Evangeline¡¯s hand slip into my boxers.
It¡¯s silent when her hands start moving, and my mind goes blank. Dirty, foul things come out of Evangeline¡¯s mouth, and I am unsure If I like it, and if I do, what does she have in store for me later on?
After more exploration of each other¡¯s body I understand why I am so afraid to sleep with her, and it is not the idea of Jesus watching.
Later that night in bed I think about holding someone else but it is not her.
It is very hard to believe it¡¯s December when it¡¯s 80 degrees outside. Since it¡¯s so warm out we all decided to go to the beach.
I have never to been to the beach in my life, but I don¡¯t want to seem weird in front of Evangeline. I think I already have when she comes to get me with all the stuff I brought.
Her purple Jeep has the doors off, and in the back seat are Charlie and Annabelle. They¡¯re wearing matching orange and white swimsuits.
I feel a bit jealous.
Should we be wearing matching outfits?
¡°Nicholas, you are aware this is a weekend trip,¡± Charlie asks me.
¡°Yes,¡± I mumble.
¡°I don¡¯t think he¡¯s aware Charles. Sir, did you pack the kitchen sink in there as well,¡± Annabelle asks me.
¡°If he didn¡¯t, I can check for him,¡± Evangeline replies.
I try to hide my smile as I pack my stuff in the trunk. I¡¯ve gotten used to their weird sense of humor and I¡¯ve grown thicker skin, but I still feel like I¡¯m missing something.
I forget whatever I¡¯m missing when we speed down the highway.
I feel like I¡¯m in college again, being reckless and stupid. Charlie and Annabelle are drinking in the back, daring each other to do something inappropriate and getting handsy. I try to ignore it and take a drink from the cooler.
Evangeline is a safer driver than Annabelle, but she still makes me fear if we will even make it to the beach alive. She, unlike Annabelle at least wears a seatbelt.
When we arrive at the beach my mind is fuzzy like television static. The lifeguard eyes me like I owe him money and Evangeline doesn¡¯t let me in the water.
¡°I¡¯m fine,¡± I tell her. ¡°Just a little tipsy.¡±
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¡°Come on,¡± Evangeline says. ¡°Get over here.¡±
Her soft hand takes mine, and I drunkenly follow her wherever. She softly talks to me like a toddler and sits me down on a giant towel that says ¡°aloha time¡±.
I am tricked.
I¡¯m in prison.
They keep me on dry land until I sober up, and I wonder if I subconsciously drank so I wouldn¡¯t have to get in the water.
Impossible.
I know I lie to others but not myself.
Right?
I lie down to tan in the bliss of the sun, and when I wake up, I am put inside another prison.
My entire body is covered from the neck down in sand. Charlie is eating a sandwich and his eyes light up with glee when he sees me awake.
¡°You talk in your sleep,¡± he informed me.
¡°I know,¡± I lied.
¡°Wanna know what you said?¡±
¡°That you¡¯re a public menace?¡±
He leans in real close to my face and I panic. I can¡¯t break free and his breath on my ear makes my mind wander and my body tingle.
¡°You sure you don¡¯t wanna know?¡±
¡°Tell me.¡±
I really hope it¡¯s not about the myriad of conflicting feelings I¡¯ve been having ever since the two of them have gotten together. I question if it¡¯s real, or if I¡¯m real as I hold my breath for the secret.
He blows into my ear.
I scream.
People turn to look while I¡¯m being tortured by Charlie. Random strangers giggle and laugh, and I secretly plan my drunken revenge on him later that night.
He continues to whisper sweet nothings and blow into my ear, and I want him to knock it off but at the same time I don¡¯t.
I don¡¯t ask him to stop.
¡°Charlie what the hell are you doing!?¡±
Annabelle runs over and sees me stuck. I think she¡¯s here to rescue me until she opens her mouth.
¡°I can¡¯t believe you started without me,¡± she says.
¡°What,¡± I ask in disbelief.
She lies down next to me, and she copies Charlie¡¯s torture tactics. Weird noises of frustration escape my mouth because I am now in trouble. I close my eyes and turn red as the inevitable happens.
My soldier salutes.
I tell myself it¡¯s a natural reaction to touch, don¡¯t overthink it, don¡¯t sit up, don¡¯t-
¡°We should get him out before the tide rises,¡± Annabelle says.
¡°Oh, shoot you¡¯re right,¡± Charlie says.
They start to dig me out and I panic, trying to come up with a good reason to stay buried.
¡°I want to stay in,¡± I shout.
¡°The hell you on about, you¡¯ll drown,¡± Charlie tells me.
They don¡¯t stop digging me out and I accept my fate.
They stare at me like fish as I try to explain why I should stay.
¡°It¡¯s really warm in here,¡± I mumble. ¡°I think I¡¯ll go back to sleep.¡±
Annabelle raises her eyebrows, leans in close and whispers in my ear.
¡°Don¡¯t worry, we won¡¯t tell Evangeline about what you said in your sleep.¡±
Bad thoughts swim in my mind and I¡¯m confused as to what secret I said in my sleep that they have to hide from myself and Evangeline. I try to think of every bad thing I¡¯ve done in my life, but I can¡¯t think of anything worse than stealing a bag of chips at the age of ten.
Evangeline comes over to see what is happening and I prepare myself for a new level of torture.
¡°Oh darlin¡¯, what have they done to you,¡± she asks me.
¡°Leave me to die.¡±
¡°No, you¡¯re living a long, beautiful life,¡± Charlie tells me. ¡°We¡¯ll dig ya out, and you¡¯ll live to be an old prune.¡±
The image of me turning into a giant, disgusting prune, stuffed into a pack with other old prunes makes my soldier sad.
Thank god.
They dig my drunk ass out of the sand and promise me they¡¯ll wake me up if I fall asleep at the beach tomorrow.
Evangeline takes me by the hand again and my first day at the beach ends without still learning how to swim.
More
When Evangeline drives us to the hotel Nick leads us inside and says this is his favorite chain to stay at whenever he travels for conventions.
This hotel is the nicest building I have ever been inside in my entire life.
The outside looks like a normal glass building but the inside feels like a palace, with marble pillars and floors. There are actual men there to open the doors and the people at the front counter look like models when they¡¯re just there to check us in.
Nicholas paid for the room, and we truly believe that he is really a famous author now because the hotel room is roughly the size of my apartment in Austere.
There¡¯s a living room, dining room with a small kitchen, two bedrooms with their own bathrooms, and a balcony overlooking the beach.
He tips the man who brings our stuff up to the suite and his eyes widen at the amount. My eyes widen too, and I wonder what kind of life Nick lead in Manhattan before he came down south.
¡°C¡¯mon, let¡¯s unpack our stuff Anne, let¡¯s go,¡± Evangeline says.
I take my suitcase to the bedroom on the west side of the suite, and Evangeline follows with me.
¡°You¡¯re sharing a room with me,¡± I ask her.
¡°You want me to share a room with Nick,¡± she replies.
¡°I mean¡¡±
She gives a huge grin and locks the door behind us. Next, she puts her ear up to the door, waits a few moments to make sure no one is near it, and gives me the same look Mrs. Wolfe did right before she told me to seduce her son.
¡°Annabelle, you can keep a secret, right?¡±
Depends.
¡°Yes,¡± I lie.
¡°You sure, because I think you might be upset with me.¡±
¡°Just let it out,¡± I groan.
She plops down on the king-sized bed and giggles.
¡°I found my own way out of Edelweiss,¡± Evangeline says.
¡°I think you should tell everyone in town that secret, they¡¯d worship you,¡± I reply.
¡°I am so serious! It¡¯s Nick.¡±
¡°Excuse me?¡±
¡°That man is rich,¡± Evangeline says. ¡°Like, rich rich. You know he had money before he wrote those books?¡±
¡°I never asked. I mean, everyone is richer if they ain¡¯t from town,¡± I reply.
I start unpacking my suitcase and try to change the topic because it feels a little wrong.
Gross.
Dirty.
¡°What does it matter anyway if he¡¯s rich? Charlie got himself some money writing songs! You could do that too,¡± I tell her.
¡°I¡¯m not like you guys,¡± Evangeline says. ¡°I ain¡¯t interesting. I ain¡¯t special.¡±
I throw my clothes on the ground and sit next to her on the bed and give her a hug. She is so pretty and tall and sweet, and yet she cannot see these things.
It is so sad.
¡°What are you talking about? You¡¯re pretty,¡± I tell her.
¡°I don¡¯t want to be pretty,¡± Evangeline says. ¡°I want to be beautiful. I want to feel sexy. I want more.¡±
¡°You don¡¯t need Nick to-¡°
¡°I do,¡± Evangeline says. ¡°He didn¡¯t just save you two at that diner, he saved me too. My family owns it!¡±
¡°Eva-¡°
¡°I have the diner but that¡¯s it. I want more,¡± Evangeline says. ¡°You want more too. If I marry him then-¡°
I jump off the bed like it¡¯s on fire and cross my arms.
¡°You cannot marry that man,¡± I tell her.
¡°Why?¡±
¡°You can¡¯t marry him just for his money! It¡¯s wrong!¡±
¡°No, its not,¡± she tells me. ¡°I don¡¯t want him for only the money, but it sure helps.¡±
¡°What about how he feels? Don¡¯t you want to be more than a housewife?¡±
¡°Homemaker,¡± she corrects me. ¡±What¡¯s wrong with being a homemaker?¡±
I stomped my feet on the ground, and I didn¡¯t realize it, but I start to shout.
Over a boy.
Like I ain¡¯t left middle school.
¡°You say you want more but how is getting married to him more,¡± I ask. ¡°Aim for more!¡±
¡°You shut your mouth,¡± she yells at me. ¡°You got everything you ever wanted but I can¡¯t? You got Charles, you¡¯re gonna be in a movie!¡±
¡°A shitty movie! And I ain¡¯t got shit, I don¡¯t really have Charlie!¡±
¡°Lying bitch.¡±
She gets up from the bed and gets up into my face.
I remind her I have never lost a fight in my life, and she should sit her pretty self down on the bed before her face becomes ugly.
¡°All talk as per usual,¡± she tells me quietly. ¡°Get everythin¡¯ you want but I can¡¯t?¡±
¡°The only REASON I got any fucking role, just my minor role is because CHARLIE knows the director! Not everything is EASY! Stop talking like-¡°
¡°Yeah, but I¡¯m right,¡± she shouts. ¡°You got different standards for everyone else!¡±
¡°What the-¡°
¡°You get a role because a man helps you. But I can¡¯t get what I want from a man? You¡¯re so full of shit Annabelle Lee, no wonder your eyes are brown!¡±
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¡°I¡¯m gonna turn your face into-¡°
The door opens and Charlie walks in.
¡°Annabelle what did you do,¡± he asks me.
¡°I didn¡¯t do a damn thing! This bitch-¡°
Evangeline starts to cry.
Unfair.
So unfair.
She cries and says I am a horrible person, that I do not understand, and she tells Charlie honey-filled words because he is a dumb fly caught in a trap.
He hugs her and I stomp off into the kitchen and get a beer from the fridge. Nick enters the living room and he¡¯s drying his hair and looks like he just got out of the shower.
He takes one look at me and cocks his head to the side.
¡°What did Charlie do?¡±
I laugh and he gives a small grin, and I feel a lot less sour for a few seconds.
He leaves to do something-or-other and my mind wanders back again to the stupid argument Evangeline started.
She sounds just like Charlie.
Why do they think because I¡¯m pretty that I get every single thing I want? That I have never had to work hard for a damn thing in my life? I am used to hearing that from others but never thought I¡¯d hear that from her.
I think I hate her.
I¡¯m convinced I hate her when Charlie comes to sit next to me in the living room and asks me to apologize.
¡°The hell I¡¯m gonna apologize for,¡± I ask him.
¡°I think we¡¯re just a little drunk,¡± he tells me.
¡°Not yet! Watch me!¡±
¡°Anne, just apologize.¡±
He grabs me by the wrist and brings me close and I forget that I am angry with her. I forget that we are pretending, that we are not really dating, but that we are really lovers.
It is so easy for him to kiss me in public, and so easy for him to lie. I guess since it¡¯s so easy for him to lie he wants me to pretend I am sorry for anything and everything.
He kisses me on the forehead, and I look at him in the eyes after because I want more. Evangeline and I both want more but in different ways, but we cannot have it.
¡°Fine,¡± I tell him. ¡°I¡¯ll say sorry.¡±
I will tell her sorry.
I will not mean it.
I take another beer from the fridge and a glass of water to keep myself sane, but pause in place.
Why did I give up Nick for a man who doesn¡¯t want me?
Will Nick marry Evangeline and I will be alone when Charlie eventually finds someone else?
What if I can truly get everything I want. What if I can have more?
I want to be selfish.
I am selfish.
I chug the glass of water, then the beer, and think about having Charlie. But then I cannot have Nick. I don¡¯t want anyone to leave me, but I also want to be alone.
¡°I want more.¡±
DARERADE!
I don¡¯t know what I missed but Evangeline is angry with Annabelle.
Charlie tries to get the two to make up, and he is weirdly a very good negotiator. He takes an empty beer bottle, places it on the mahogany floor, and moves a table out of the way.
¡°It¡¯s time to play DARERADE,¡± he announces.
¡°Oh, Charles not now,¡± Evangeline says.
¡°I mean it! We came here to have fun before Anne and I gotta go back! We¡¯re playing DARERADE!¡±
¡°What the heck is Darerader? Rader? What?¡±
¡°It¡¯s DARERADE! D-A-R-E-R-A-D-E! DARE! It¡¯s like Truth or Dare but without the truth,¡± Charlie explains.
¡°Huh. Yeah, why not? Let¡¯s play!¡±
Now that I want to play, Evangeline wants to play, and then Annabelle joins in and all animosity is lost for now. She gets out her wireless speaker that¡¯s shaped like a duck and tries to find the right song for us to make bad decisions to.
I order pizza and room service brings more wine and I care less about staying sober because this seems like the kind of game one can only enjoy while drunk.
¡°Since Nick has never played, I¡¯ll explain the rules. First, we need some music, and a deck of cards.¡±
Annabelle gets out her phone and even has a playlist that is called DARERADE, and I am now invested. No one has a deck of cards, but apparently, I can order one through room service, and in five minutes it arrives with four bottles of wine.
We all sit in a circle around the beer bottle and Evangeline uncorks a bottle of wine and drinks it like it¡¯s the last bottle left in the world. Charlie shuffles the deck of cards and Annabelle appears to be mentally psyching herself up as if she¡¯s about to enter the ring.
¡°Rule number one of DARERADE. The truth is not allowed. LIE! LIE LIKE A RUG,¡± Charlie instructs me. ¡°If you say the word truth, even once, you are in trouble!¡±
¡°Rule two,¡± Annabelle says. ¡°The music played must always be the worst songs you can think of.¡±
¡°I¡¯m starting to understand why Evangeline needs to be plastered for this,¡± I laugh.
¡°Oh, that¡¯s rule three,¡± Evangeline says. ¡°If you¡¯re gonna skip a dare, you gotta take a drink or you gotta bet.¡±
¡°Bet what,¡± I ask.
¡°Watch,¡± Charlie instructs me.
He shuffles the cards one more time and pulls out three spades.
¡°If you want to skip the dare and don¡¯t want to drink, you need to pull out a card that¡¯s higher than the three and a different kind or is the same kind of card and is a one or a multiple of it.¡±
¡°That¡¯s too much math for a drunkard!¡±
¡°That¡¯s the point, so drink up you wimp,¡± Charlie laughs. ¡°If you win the bet then the next person has to beat the bet, or they gotta do the dare.¡±
¡°Ok. Ok easy enough. Let¡¯s do this,¡± I say.
In unison, they all yell out; ¡°One, Two, Three, DARERADE!!!¡±
Charlie spins the bottle and I immediately regret playing, but it is too late. Annabelle starts the playlist, and it is possibly the worst song I have heard in my life. It sounds like a parrot squawking with heavy metal in the background.
I wipe my sweaty hands on my sweatpants and have already decided to take a drink, but it doesn¡¯t land on me.
It lands on Evangeline.
¡°Spit or swallow,¡± Charlie asks.
¡°Spitters are quitters,¡± Evangeline shouts. ¡°Swallow!¡±
¡°Jesus, what kind of game is this,¡± I ask.
¡°The best damn kind,¡± Charlie replies. ¡°Spin again Evangeline!¡±
She spins the bottle, and it lands on Annabelle.
¡°Spitters are quitters, aren¡¯t they, Evangeline,¡± she says. ¡°You ready?¡±
¡°Bring it.¡±
¡°You sure?¡±
¡°You sound you¡¯re the one that¡¯s unsure, Anne.¡±
¡°Fine. I dare ya to never take a shot for the rest of the game.¡±
¡°That¡¯s not fair,¡± Evangeline shouts.
¡°You wanna bet?¡±
¡°Of course, I wanna,¡± she scoffs. ¡°Who the hell wouldn¡¯t?¡±
Charlie grins, shuffles the deck, and gives us all seven cards. Annabelle puts down one card.
It¡¯s a one of hearts.
What?
Evangeline laughs and puts down two spades.
¡°You totally threw that, didn¡¯t you,¡± I ask her.
¡°Nah. I¡¯m playing the long con,¡± Annabelle replies. ¡°Watch and learn, weatherboy.¡±
¡°You wanna keep going,¡± Evangeline asks her.
¡°Oh, I am passing on the pain,¡± Annabelle replies. ¡°Swap!¡±
She spins the beer bottle and it lands on me.
Fuck.
She puts down a 9 of hearts.
¡°Why,¡± I ask her. ¡°What did I ever do to you?¡±
¡°Everything and nothing,¡± she replies.
Charlie is laughing his weird horse laugh again and I desperately search for a one or three of hearts, but no dice.
¡°You ain¡¯t got it, do you,¡± Annabelle asks.
¡°To tell you the truth-¡°
¡°AAAH,¡± they all yell. ¡°Liar liar pants on fire!¡±
They point and yell and smack their hands on the floor and I start to laugh nervously.
¡°What the heck is going on,¡± I ask.
¡°You can¡¯t say the t-word,¡± Charlie reminds me. ¡°You take the dare and gotta take a shot.¡±
I take a swig from a bottle of wine and sigh.
¡°What the hell kind of game is this anyway?¡±
¡°We made it in high school, we were bored,¡± Annabelle laughed.
I grumble to myself, and spin the bottle, hoping to get her next. Instead, I got Charlie. He gives me a weird smile and I regret picking him. I turn red and ask him the questions.
¡°Swallow¡or spit,¡± I say quietly.
¡°I ain¡¯t no quitter,¡± he announces. ¡°Bring it on!¡±
¡°Fine. You can¡¯t pass any dare for the rest of the game.¡±
¡°Okay!¡±
¡°What? You ain¡¯t gonna bet that Charles,¡± Evangeline asks.
¡°I seen what happened earlier, I ain¡¯t getting anything worse and testing my luck,¡± he replies.
¡°What could be worse than what I just gave you,¡± I ask.
¡°You really lack imagination for this game don¡¯t you Nick,¡± Annabelle laughs.
I really do.
The song changes and it sounds like a regular song now. Beautiful wind chimes, a soft jazz introduction, but I am put into a false sense of security. Charlie spins the bottle and it lands on Evangeline.
The song changes to some god-awful noise and I want to jump off the balcony.
¡°What the hell kind of song is this,¡± I ask.
¡°C-Bat,¡± they all reply in unison.
They don¡¯t explain what the story is behind that, and Evangline accepts the dare.
¡°Bring it on pretty boy,¡± she tells Charlie.
He looks at Annabelle, then me, then back at Annabelle and I hope he is unimaginative like me with the dares.
¡°I dare you to do a handstand.¡±
¡° A handstand? That¡¯s it,¡± Evangeline says.
¡°If you can¡¯t do it, you lose,¡± Charlie replies.
¡°Of course I can do a hand stand, I used to be a cheerleader.¡±
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She wobbly stands up and Charlie has already won. He knew she would take the dare and lose. She puts the wine bottle on the ground, puts her hands up in the air and takes a huge breath like she is about to dive into a swimming pool.
She puts her hands down on the ground, hoists herself up, and shouts in victory.
¡°I can do anything! All of y¡¯all can-¡°
She pauses.
¡°Evangeline,¡± Annabelle says. ¡°You can come down now.¡±
Evangeline makes a noise.
¡°Oh Christ,¡± Annabelle. ¡°Eva, get up!¡±
Evangeline accepts defeat, and slowly brings herself to the ground. She¡¯s in a crouching position and another weird noise escapes her mouth.
I see my deposit evaporate into thin air as Evangeline throws up.
The last time I have felt intense disgust and amazement was when a man on the internet uploaded a video of himself swallowing an eel. Thankfully it is only liquor and water that comes out of Evangeline.
Charlie tries to help and he picks her up, but he holds her by the waist and makes it worse. He drags her to the bathroom leaving a trail.
I run over to the bathroom and Charlie is holding her long hair up while she empties whatever is left into the sink. I stay with her the entire time and Charlie leaves, a bittersweet victory.
¡°Did I win,¡± she asks me.
¡°Yes,¡± I lie.
¡°Oh thank good-¡°
She begins again and I will never play DARERADE ever again.
When the entire ordeal is over with, Evangeline is now asleep in her and Annabelle¡¯s room, and some poor room service woman has cleaned up the hallway and living room.
At least the horrible music is gone, and Annabelle is now playing a different playlist. I can hear the music from the other side of the suite and walk to go meet them.
When I open the door, I find Annabelle sitting on Charlie¡¯s lap. He just got out of the shower, and I feel like I¡¯m interrupting even though this was my suite.
¡°Can I take a shower,¡± I ask. ¡°I got some uh..¡±
¡°It¡¯s your room, silly,¡± Annabelle laughs.
I laugh nervously and get in the shower, and the shower helps me sober up a little bit. I get out and realize I do not have a towel.
I open the door slightly and ask for a towel.
¡°I dare you to walk out here without one on,¡± Annabelle laughs.
¡°The games over,¡± I grumble.
¡°No, it ain¡¯t,¡± Charlie laughs.
I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s the alcohol, or maybe I just don¡¯t care, but I open the door and walk out naked in front of the both of them. No one is laughing but they¡¯re staring at my crotch.
I look around the room and find the aloha time towel and start drying myself off. They¡¯re still staring but the more they look the less I mind.
The suite is dead quiet except for the sound of my wet footsteps across the floor towards them.
¡°W-what are you doing,¡± Charlie asks.
¡°Dareer? Dareder? Fuck, I don¡¯t know,¡± I reply.
Annabelle looks at Charlie, and then she looks at me and then back at Charlie again. She whispers something in his ear and he bites his lower lip.
¡°You¡¯re crazy,¡± he tells her.
She ties her hair up in a bun and gets down on the ground on her knees. Charlie¡¯s eyes go wide and he grips the bedsheets, not sure if he should stay or go.
¡°I ain¡¯t a quitter Charles,¡± she says. ¡°Are you?¡±
The Kind of Love We Make
I¡¯m a bad woman.
I don¡¯t care.
Charlie knows that I¡¯m serious about what I want and how I aim to get it when I get down on my knees like I¡¯m praying.
¡°I am not a quitter,¡± Charlie says. ¡°Move.¡±
I see a face on Charlie I had never seen, but familiar on the face of other men.
He is hungry and the only meal he will ever eat, will ever need, is right in front of him, and all he has to do is get on his knees next to me.
Together we eat, taking in Nicholas and swallowing him whole.
I kiss the inside of his thigh and he shivers but Charlie is greedy and goes straight for the prize. I don¡¯t mind because I have my favorite part right where I want it.
I put his balls into my mouth, and I gripped his leg. My body relaxes and my toes curl when the familiar taste is in my mouth.
Charlie and I take turns, and when I get nervous, I hold his hand. He never let¡¯s go and I think he¡¯s nervous too. Our lips touch sometimes whenever we switch sides, and instead of hesitating this time, I kiss him.
He grips my entire body close, and I can feel Nick from behind. He gets down on the ground and takes off my bikini top. I shiver and moan because he starts to kiss my neck and play with my nipples.
He knows what he¡¯s doing, and it feels so good.
I¡¯m scared that it feels good, but I can¡¯t stop because I¡¯ve come too far.
He lets go, and I¡¯m jealous again because now he wants Charlie.
Charlie suddenly is shy when Nick is on top of him, and I grin, because I never thought Charlie would be the one to be so submissive. I noticed I accidentally let go of his hand and took it again.
He¡¯s not so shy anymore.
Nick takes off Charlie¡¯s shirt and kisses him gently all over his chest. Once Charlie¡¯s eyes plead, he finally gives him what he wants, and his head starts going lower and lower.
I cover my mouth in mild surprise when I see Nick¡¯s head bobbing up and down and then feel silly because what else would he be doing down there?
I never thought much about how the two of them would go at it when Charlie said they had sex once before, but now I want to know.
I need to know.
Soft wet noises keep floating in the air, and Charlie looks like he¡¯s in heaven the entire time. I grab him by the chin, and tilt him towards me, and Charlie is mine all over again.
Every new kiss with him is like falling in love with him over and over and over again. We don¡¯t stop until Nick does, and now we¡¯re kissing each other. We take turns and we all start to giggle because we¡¯re not sure what we¡¯re doing now.
Nick kisses me, and then I kiss Charlie, and it¡¯s a flurry of wet sloppy kisses, no one is sure whose turn it is next. We look at Nick and for the first time he is not indecisive.
He gets on top of me and pulls off my bikini bottom, and now I¡¯m naked. We¡¯re all naked now, and it¡¯s so wonderful and terrifying how quickly it happened. Before I know it, Nicholas¡¯ head is going lower and lower, and my mind is fuzzy.
I try to be quiet but it¡¯s hard because his mouth is kissing all the best parts of me, and suddenly it¡¯s so easy when Charlie is now inside my mouth. His hips move slowly, and it takes all my power to only focus on breathing, because I don¡¯t want it to end.
My hands shake and my legs tremble because I feel like I¡¯m at the top of a roller coaster but I¡¯m never coming down. I don¡¯t want to come down. Small tears roll down my face and I spread my legs wider because I think the ride is about to end.
It doesn¡¯t.
Nick comes up for air and Charlie pulls out of me, leaving me a hot mess on the floor.
¡°More,¡± I mumble.
¡°I¡¯ll give you more,¡± Nick promises.
He flips me over on my stomach, puts one hand on my thigh, and I know what¡¯s next. I try to relax, and open my mouth wide again, making sure to curl my toes.
Charlie dives in first, and thankfully my mouth is full when Nick goes in next. I grab onto Charlie¡¯s legs while Nick grabs mine and spreads them even farther apart. He starts slow a few times, and soon he¡¯s a greedy man too.
I try to keep my head up, but I can¡¯t.
It feels too good, and I can¡¯t think straight.
Nick lifts me up by the waist, and now I can¡¯t hold it in. I start moaning like a dog in heat and I finally feel embarrassed. I focus on the sounds of balls slapping against holes, but it doesn¡¯t help me feel less embarrassed, just dirtier.
I give in to the feeling and stop fighting it.
And once I stop fighting it the roller coaster comes down.
I start to cum with two dicks inside of me and I never knew it was possible to feel so high while being so low on the ground.
Charlie pulls out once I start coughing, but Nick doesn¡¯t stop. He keeps going, and going, like a car crash that never ends.
¡°Oh fuck,¡± I moan. ¡°Don¡¯t stop.¡±
I open my mouth and start to scream but Charlie covers my mouth. I shake all over and make a mess all over the floor while Charlie watches and I feel so guilty about wanting it all.
When Nick pulls out, and when I can¡¯t move, a sopping wet mess all over the floor, Charlie picks me up and puts me on the bed. He runs his fingers through my hair and kisses my back, loving every part of me.
¡°How ya feeling,¡± Charlie asks me.
¡°Good,¡± I mumble.
¡°You look like you need a break,¡± he laughs.
I nod weakly and he kisses me again, and then puts a sheet over me so I don¡¯t get cold. Nick is rummaging through his suitcase for something and comes back to bed. I turn to look, and Charlie is now underneath Nick, and my turn is over.
Charlie and Nick are both greedy men, but Charlie especially. He grabs both his legs open wide for Nicholas, and my eyes go wide as one of his fingers goes right in. Nick has a bottle of lotion, and he uses it more and more to open Charlie up even wider.
His finger slowly sinks in, and Charlie gives a shudder once Nick is deep enough. It moves slowly but it¡¯s not enough, because Charlie is still very greedy. Another finger goes in and Charlie whimpers because it is still not enough.
Nick starts to go even faster, and with a smirk he looks over at me.
¡°You pervert,¡± he says. ¡°You like to watch?¡±
¡°I can do more than watch.¡±
I hold up one of Charlie¡¯s legs and start sucking on him again while Nick moves even faster. I feel a hot mess in my mouth, Charlie¡¯s hips shake, and I freeze in place.
He moans and leans his head back on the pillow while he finishes in my mouth, and I let him. The salty taste isn¡¯t as bad as I¡¯ve had before, and I swallow. I feel the thick juice stuck in my throat, and Charlie says my name as I finish licking whatever¡¯s left.
¡°I¡¯m not done with you yet,¡± Nick tells him. ¡°Turn over.¡±
I love seeing this side of Charlie.
His cute behind is up in the air and his face is buried into the pillow while Nick crashes into him. The headboard taps against the wall and the bed creaks while Nicholas tries to get as deep as possible inside of him.
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Sweat pours down his chin as he spreads his cheeks even wider, and I start to get horny again from the sound of their balls smacking against each other. Nick is ravenous like before, still hungry, and he doesn¡¯t relent until he finishes.
Nick looks up at the ceiling, closes his eyes, and starts to grunt, and then finally slows down when he¡¯s all done. He pulls out, flops over between the two of us, and now it¡¯s three sweaty bodies in one bed, and the sound of our raspy breathing.
It¡¯s too hot for the blanket anymore, and we fall asleep naked, filthy, and shameless.
Before He Cheats
Charlie accidentally wakes me up at 6 AM by smacking me in the face when he turns.
My head is pounding and when I turn to see a naked Annabelle and a naked Charlie, I remember last night. I lie back down and internally panic. I can hear my heart beat getting faster in the quiet early hours of the day, and I know I''m fucked.
I cheated on Evangeline.
It''s one thing to get drunk and maybe kiss them. Some people are just friendly while drunk, I know I am. I''m a lightweight but I didn''t drink that much. I can''t blame this on the alcohol, and even I did I''d be a damn coward.
I''ve gotta stop acting like whatever I do doesn''t matter.
I have made my bed, and I am literally lying in when I try to find ways to not turn in an anxious mess when I first see Evangeline. I try to think of excuses but what do I tell her? I guess I could tell her I tripped.
I imagine a scenario where she believes the stupidest lie in all of mankind.
"Yes, I tripped, and everyone was naked Evangeline," imaginary me tells her. "It happened more than once, don''t ask why were all naked!"
Even in the imaginary scenario Evangeline kills me and Sheriff Grant pretends that he didn''t see a damn thing. After a few minutes of trying to come up with an excuse, I give up and crawl out of bed, careful not to wake up Annabelle and Charlie.
While in the shower, having an existential crisis, I realize that I can simply never tell her. We could all swear ourselves to secrecy, and she would be none the wiser. But all it takes is one person admitting what happened, and by the end of the day, all of Edelweiss will know.
I lean onto the tile of the shower and groan.
"I am so fucked," I say to myself. "I am royally fucked."
A knock comes at the door and I flinch.
"Can you hurry up, I really need to take a piss," Charlie says.
I finish my existential crisis, and trade places with Charlie in the bathroom. Annabelle is busy looking for the bottom half of her swimsuit while wearing only the top, and my eyes wander.
"Pervert," she tells me.
"Sorry."
She finds the bottom half underneath the bed and gives me a weird look while I continue to panic in the bedroom. I open my suitcase and contemplate never coming back to town. I put on my briefs and think about changing my name. While putting on my pants I finally calmed down because I would never do all of that.
"Annabelle, what are we doing," I ask her.
"Getting dressed," she replies.
"I''m serious. I think I have to tell her. I don''t think I can keep this in me."
A flush comes from the bathroom, the sound of a faucet turning, and a naked Charlie steps out of the bathroom.
"Think this through very carefully," Annabelle says. "It was a one-time thing. It won''t happen again, right Charles?"
Charlie makes another of his signature weird faces and finds his boxers on the floor. He looks like he''s thinking about what words to choose carefully, but knowing him it still might come out sounding weird.
"I think I don''t mind," Charlie said quietly.
"Oh," I mumble.
It''s dark in the room, and I open the blinds. We''re greeted by the sunrise and can see people already out on the beach, getting an early morning swim in.
"You can''t look outside to avoid talking about this," Annabelle says.
"I''m not doing that, it just looks pretty," I lie.
"What would we do after you tell her," Annabelle asks. "What do you think would happen if we did more of...this?"
She gestures wildly to the both of us and I lean my head on the window again. I''m trying to stop the stress headache I have, but the more we talk about it, the worse it gets.
"I don''t think you should tell her either," Charlie says. "But I don''t think you should stay with her either."
"And then do what," I ask him.
"I don''t know, but if you ain''t gonna tell her, then don''t stay with her at least," Charlie shouts. "You want to start banging the entire town now?"
"Quiet, please," I plead. "Don''t wake her up."
"She can''t hear us all the way on the other side of the suite," Annabelle assures me. "We''ll be okay."
Charlie scoffs and shakes his head no.
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"I don''t care. I''m tired of your shit Nick," he says. "You can''t decide a damn thing!"
"Well, what would you do Mr.Perfect," I snarkily reply.
"Tell her or leave her," he says. "I wouldn''t expect her to be happy, but I would be doing the right thing."
"Okay. Okay, I''ll make a decision. When we get back to Edelweiss I''ll talk to her. I promise," I tell them.
Annabelle looks like she doesn''t believe me, and just leaves. Charlie goes to take a shower, and I am left alone with my thoughts. They are not my friend right now.
I get a green t-shirt from my suitcase and order room service. Then I go to the living room and notice the beer bottle is still on the floor. Irrationally, I believe its the source of all my problems, and decide to smack it against the wall in a moment of anger. Glass shatters everywhere, and my right hand is cut up all over.
I stare in shock like a toddler that touched a hot stove for the first time, and I panic even more.
I can''t write without my hands.
"Fuck," I say quietly. "No..Nonnonoo"
A lot more blood that should be coming out is coming out and it''s getting all over the hardwood floors. Evangeline comes walking down the corner, and then rushes toward me when she sees the blood and glass everywhere.
"Nick what happened," she asks.
"My deposit is not coming back," I reply.
"This is serious, there''s a lot of blood everywhere!"
A soft ding-dong goes off and Evangeline opens the front door. A confused waiter is trying to understand what she''s saying because she''s talking so fast it sounds like it''s a long word.
I make my way to the small kitchen and try to find some towels but there are none. The waiter takes the food off cart, then takes off the entire fancy linen cover on top of it. In the lower part of the cart are cooking utensils, and he takes out the biggest knife I have ever seen. In one long cut he takes off a piece of the linen and wraps my hands.
"Shit this hurts," I complain. "I think there are pieces of glass still in my hand."
Charlie enters the kitchen looking for some water and then another panicked person tries to help. He runs off to our room and comes back with some pain killers. I swallow it dry, desperately, and Evangeline calls 911.
"I don''t think it''s that serious," I mumble.
"Ignore him, he''s saying weird stuff because of blood loss," Charlie tells Evangeline.
"I''m fine," I lie. "Perfectly fine."
I sit down on the tiled floor and I start to feel even worse. I haven''t eaten or had any water yet, and the entire room feels like it''s moving. The waiter tilts my head to the side, and tries to keep it upright. He gives me a water bottle in my left hand nut I look at it like I''ve never seen one in my life.
"Give me that," Charlie grumbles.
He unscrews the top and instructs me to drink. I don''t feel real, but I drink anyway. Soon some very nice EMTs arrive and tell me that I have severe blood loss. I smile and nod, because my mouth feels heavy. Annabelle comes to the kitchen next, and screams at the sight of blood everywhere.
"Too loud," I mumble.
I lean my head on Charlie''s shoulder because I feel so tired, and before I know it, I''m asleep.
Achy Breaky Heart
I wake up in a very cold room, bundled in three white blankets.
There''s an IV tube connected to my left arm, with a bag of blood and some weird opaque fluid in the other bag. On the couch in the room, is Evangeline, asleep. I sit up, but my body is now upset.
Whatever pain I felt earlier was nothing, the adrenaline blocking most of it. Now my right hand and wrist are screaming. There are stitches all over it and now I understand what happened.
"Evangeline," I say. "Wake up."
She mumbles something incoherently in her sleep and I sigh. I lean back down onto the bed and hate myself for ruining my life in less that twenty four hours.
While trying to go back to sleep, Charlie and Annabelle return. They have snacks in a bag and two visitor tags stuck onto them.
"Evangeline, visiting hours are over," Charlie says.
He notices me and his face twists in anger.
"You stupid idiot. Why," Charlie asks. "You and Annabelle never think!"
"I''m sorry," I say.
"Charlie stop, he''s tired. Leave him be," Annabelle says.
She walks over to the couch and gently wakes Evangeline up. She finally sits up and sees that I''m awake and she gives the biggest smile I have ever seen. She sits next to me on the bed, and runs her fingers through my hair. My heart races, and then she kisses me, making it go even faster.
Everyone laughs when the heart monitor makes louder and louder beeps and I try to not to feel too awkward about it.
"I was so worried. We were all so worried," Evangeline says. "What happened."
My original lie returns to me.
"I tripped," I lie. "I saw it on the floor and wanted to put it in the trash, and I tripped on my way to the kitchen."
Charlie and Evangeline believe me, but Annabelle looks like she doesn''t. I think she can tell whenever I''m lying and it scares me. How does she do it? Am I just a bad liar?
"They said they want to keep you until you get enough blood in you, and then you''re free to go home," Evangeline says. "Sadly t hey won''t let me stay with you."
"I wish someone would stay, doesn''t seem very exciting in here," I reply.
"I think I''ve had enough excitement today," Annabelle says dryly. "Go back to bed! You gotta get better!"
"Fine," I grumble.
Charlie says something quietly to Annabelle, and they both leave, probably to give the both of us alone time. I don''t want to be alone with Evangeline right because I''m scared to look her in the eyes. She wants nothing to be with me though. She rubs my arm and asks if I''m comfortable. She kisses me more times than I can count to "make up for the missed ones today".
"You''re a wonderful nurse," I say.
"''Course I am," she replies. "I want to be happy."
"Oh."
I make a weird face, and she asks me what''s wrong, but I can''t tell her. She promises she''ll come to get me first thing in the morning, and gives me even more kisses "to make up for the rest of the night". When she finally leaves I feel relieved, then guilty that I''m relieved.
I need to get my life together.
I''m given a stern talking to by a doctor about being more careful, and a bottle filled with painkillers with a giant packet on how to take care of my hand. I feel like a little kid being scolded by the doctor. Again I feel small when they all come to pick me up in the morning because Charlie scolds me as well.
Evangeline is a much more careful driver on the way back, probably because she doesn''t want to risk another visit to the hospital. At least we''d be close by. When we get to Edelweiss, they''re all kind enough to help me bring my stuff inside, and make sure I don''t trip again. When they leave, I realize I am completely helpless.
It''s hard to get myself a glass of water to take with my medicine. It''s difficult to make a phone call to set up an appointment for physical therapy. I can''t aim straight when I pee, and I hate sitting.
After two hours of feeling like a defenseless newborn, Evangeline returns and I feel guilty again. I hold her close on the couch while we watch Netflix together, and she smells so wonderful. She stays the entire night because I don''t want to be alone, but at the same time I do. When she leaves in the morning I want her to stay but I''m happy to see her go.
That night I decided on what to do.
When she arrives the next morning, she has a bag filled with all sorts of things. She sets them down on the kitchen table, and starts unpacking it. I take a seat at the table and pick up a puzzle box, which makes me laugh a little. All this attention lately has been making me like a kid and the puzzle box just solidified it.
"Do you like it? I thought I could help you find something to keep yourself busy since you only got one good hand," she says.
"Oh...thanks," I mumble.
"What''s wrong Nick? You can tell me!"
"I''m worried about my new book," I lie. "I think my publisher will be angry with me."
They''re actually very understanding about my hand, surprisingly enough. Evangeline doesn''t know, but she still tries to offer me her own advice.
"I think you shouldn''t write that book anyway," she tells me. "You should keep writing what you''re doing now."
I laugh because at first I think she''s joking, but then she continues.
"I just don''t want you to be disappointed if this book fails," she says.
"Don''t say that! I know my fantasy book under my real name wasn''t that great, but this time I know what I did wrong!"
"Nick, you gotta think about it! What if you''re just wasting your time?"
"I''m not. I just don''t want to keep writing romance. I don''t even think I''m good at it either. I just put what I think people want. It has no soul."
Evangeline comes over to me and gives me a hug. She runs her fingers through my hair again while we keep talking, and I''m starting to miss it whenever she stops, so I never ask her to.
"I don''t like that you don''t support my new book," I admit. "It feels like you don''t believe in me."
"I believe in you sweetie, I just think that your talents lie...elsewhere. You''ll make more money if you keep writing romance too."
I make another split-second decision in anger and say something cruel.
"I don''t want to hear that from anyone with no talent."
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She stops touching my hair, and I miss it already. I regret the words once they fly out my mouth because she looks like she''s going to cry.
"I always feel so inadequate around the three of you," Evangeline says. "You all got something."
"We''ve talked about this before, you don''t have anything to prove! And you have the-"
"Don''t. Don''t tell me ''you have the diner''," Evangeline warns me. "I never got a choice in if I wanted it. My dad owns it, so he expects me to keep it! I can''t even say no. This town needs the damn money from it too."
"I never even thought of that."
"Why would you? You told me a while ago that you didn''t think you''d still be here," she shouts.
"I was never meant to stay here," I seethe. "I just wanted to stay for the summer. And then you all just-"
"We all just what? Welcomed you with open arms southern hospitality," Evangeline replies. "Don''t be angry because I''m right. Selfish man."
We start arguing about nothing and everything. I know I should just apologize, and that it''s probably not even about the book anymore. But I keep going because of the guilt. I want her to hate me. I want to become the bullet she dodged so she feels good when I leave her, or she leaves me. I want to be punished for what I''ve done, and I feel like my busted hand isn''t enough.
We''re now shouting at each other, and it''s not even about anything important. We''re just insulting each other because people become small when they''re angry. I don''t think I''m even angry still, I just don''t want to lose the fight.
"You know what Nick? I don''t even want to be here anymore. I come here to help you and all you do is yell at me!"
"All you do is complain about all the nothing that you have," I shout. "At least Annabelle tried!"
Evangeline gives me a death glare and starts packing stuff back into the bag. She shakes her head and this makes me even angrier.
"What is it," I ask.
"Go fuck yourself," she replies. "Then go fuck Annabelle."
"Gladly."
She smacks me and my face stings. I''ve never been slapped in my life, not even by my parents when I was bad. My nose starts bleeding and I cough a little. I try to pretend it doesn''t hurt, but she doesn''t care. She''s done packing her stuff, and then she leaves. I can hear the engine of her Jeep start from the kitchen and then I feel guilty yet so much better.
I just want her to be happy too but she can''t with me.
Wicked Games
Evangeline broke up with Nick and I am over the moon.
Nick tells me over text message that he started a fight with her to force her to leave. It''s amazing he still takes the coward''s way out and that it still works.
What we did was wrong, but Charlie was right. Staying with her was wrong but not telling her won''t help. I just don''t know what to do now. I curl up in my sheets and refuse to get out of bed, but it''s already 11 AM and I have to move eventually. Rotting in bed won''t get me anywhere. I get ready for the day, but my spirits sink when I realize there ain''t a thing in the fridge.
Why would there be? I cleaned out most of the house before I left for Austere.
My phone goes off and I get a text message from Charlie. He reminds me we have lunch today, and of course, I''m coming. Mrs. Wolfe is a bit odd, but her food is fantastic. I change my outfit into something Christmas-themed, and it''s a simple red sweater with a black skirt. When Charlie arrives in his big truck my stomach is already complaining and I''m ready to eat.
"Merry Christmas Anne," Charlie says. "I love you."
"It''s Christmas!?! Wow, time goes by fast!"
Charlie chuckles and we set off for his house. We listen to our playlist in the car together, because we''re already tired of Christmas songs on the radio, and weirdly, I no longer feel like we''re pretending anymore. I feel like we''re real couple for the first time.
At Charlie''s place, there are so many people. Everyone from all over town is there, even Evangeline. She sees me, and then her face makes a
weird twitch. She doesn''t seem very happy to see me, but she''s hiding it very well.
"Oh my gosh, Merry Christmas," Evangeline says. "How are you?"
"I''m doing pretty great. I was worried I''d be alone for Christmas because of y''know, Grandma being gone."
"I''m glad you''re here Anne," Evangeline nods. "No one should be alone during the holidays."
Her tone softens and now she''s no longer upset with me. Thank God. I hope she doesn''t know about what happened because she''d probably tell someone else, and I can''t blame her either. I just don''t want the entire town to shame me every time I go out.
When it''s time for the Christmas cake, I try to race to the front, but it''s too late. It''s all gone. Charlie already has a piece and I pout, because he should''ve gotten one for me too!
"Come here," Charlie says.
He takes me to the kitchen, and inside the fridge is a miniature Christmas cake, just for me.
"Momma knows how much you like it, so she made one just for you," he says.
"She''s the best. I gotta ask her how she makes it before I go home!"
I''m so excited to eat my Christmas cake, with its cute strawberries on top, when Evangeline walks into the kitchen.
"Where''s Nick," Charlie asks. "I ain''t seen him."
"Oh, guess I forgot to tell him about the party," Evangeline says. "Shame."
Charlie understands what happened and looks uncomfortable. He adjusts his fancy suit he wore for the party and finds an excuse to leave. Evangeline takes me aside, further away into the hallway, and I try to put on the best act I can when she tells me she left him.
"How did that happen? You two were so good together," I say.
"He''s a bastard is what he is," she says. "I try to help him and all he did was yell at me!"
"You probably dodged a bullet," I tell her.
"That''s right! I''m gonna focus on me. I''ve been thinking about my New Year''s resolution, and I''m gonna reinvent myself next year."
She flips her gorgeous red hair to the side, and talks about her plans to find her own way out of Edelweiss. She admits that she''s insecure, but I don''t understand what she has to be insecure about.
"You''re gorgeous, Eva. You''ll find a good man."
"I don''t want a man. I''m thinking back on what you told me the other day at the hotel, and you were right."
I blink rapidly because I ain''t ever remember someone telling me that in my life.
"I''m right? Me?"
"Yes," she laughed. "I didn''t want to leave here through a man. What I want is to be filthy rich."
"I''m sorry? What?"
"I can''t be out here. Everyone''s poor. Ain''t nothing to do. Only reason some of us got houses is out great whatever shot some Indian and put a house there."
That was exactly how my great-great grandfather George Lee got his home and I do not say a damn thing or else I''ll probably burn for his sins on the spot.
"I want more, and he wasn''t what I needed or wanted," Evangeline says. "I''m glad he ain''t here. Fuck him."
"Fuck him," I agree.
We go back to the kitchen and again I attempt to eat my cake, but then I think about Nick, and how he''s alone. Even Evangeline thinks no one should be alone, but I guess she didn''t feel the same about Nick. My stomach hurts from the stress and guilt, and I don''t want the cake anymore. The whole entire ordeal is my fault anyway, thinking with my crotch and not my head.
Charlie enters the kitchen looking for me and he stares me at a cake like a madman.
"Girl, what are you doing," Charlie asks. "We''re gonna be late for church."
"I can''t go to church."
Charlie walks up to me and shushes me.
"If my Momma hears that she will have a stroke," Charlie says.
"Okay! I just think we should see Nick."
"Are you sure?"
"No one should be alone today."
"Just show up to church or else my Momma will complain about it until I leave. I can''t go to church on Christmas without my girlfriend."
"Oh. Yeah. Huh."
I put the cake back in the fridge and get some coffee to warm me up before we head out. Everyone gets in their cars and we head to church that evening, like we do every year. The church looks so much smaller than I remember it, and it''s filled up because the people who only come on Easter and Christmas are here.
I hate them.
Especially Nancy, that girl took my spot that I sit in every week.
Charlie''s family and I find a spot we can all sit together, and Pastor Grant begins the sermon. He talks about the usual stuff, forgiveness of sins, and then talks about how its almost the New Year. It''s always a new chance to forgive others, but more importantly to forgive yourself. I ain''t never think about forgiving myself, but he says its important because we can''t change the past.
I actually liked the sermon, usually he bores me to death, but not tonight.
When its all over, Charlie and I quietly leave so we can quickly get some food and make it to Nick''s place.
When we arrive at Nick''s he has trouble opening the door. He fumbles with the door a bit, and gives a shy smile when he sees us.
"I didn''t think I''d have visitors today," he says.
"I don''t want you getting lonely," I tell him. "Let''s eat."
We walk into his fancy kitchen, and Charlie sets down the food on the table. I brought the cake and give it to him, and his shy smile now becomes even bigger. When he takes a bite his eyes light up, and he suddenly is ravenous.
"This is so good," he says.
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"I''ll let my mom know," Charlie laughs.
"Probably shouldn''t, she thinks Nick is corrupting you," I reply.
Charlie rolls his eyes.
"That woman thinks every blade of grass and breeze in the wind will corrupt me," he says.
"You know Nick, she saw the two of you kissing a while back," I tell him.
Nick chokes on his cake and I feel bad for laughing, but not that bad.
"Nice to know she didn''t tell anyone," he coughs.
Charlie warms up some of the food, and we all eat dinner together. We tell Nick about all the stuff we got up to in Austere and Las Estrellas, and as the night goes on he looks less and less like a shadow of himself.
"I like this," Charlie says. "I want to keep doing this."
"Do what," I ask.
"This," Charlie says, gesturing to all of us. "I like being with the both of you."
"You ain''t suggesting what I think you are," I ask him.
"Nevermind."
I playfully smack him on the arm and I try to get him to open up again. His cheeks are now red and hot, and he takes the slowest drink ever from his cup of eggnog.
"I like this too," Nick admits. "I want to keep this feeling, but I don''t know what this is."
It''s like everyone is trying to avoid the right word for what''s happening with the three of us, but I don''t think any of us have the right words for it either. I feel nervous and take Charlie''s hand, and he gives it a little squeeze.
"I''m saying it because it''s like we''re dancing around it," I say. "We should date each other?"
"If you''ll have me," Nick says quietly.
"Come here you sad sack."
I get up from my chair and give him a big hug from behind. Charlie gets up and gives him a big hug too, and Nick looks like a happy golden retriever when Charlie runs his fingers through his hair. When he stops, Nick gets upset.
"Don''t stop," he says. "I like it."
I giggle and kiss him softly, tasting the frosting and beer.
"More," he says.
"I''ll give you as much as you want," I promise.
I kiss him again and again, and then he turns to Charlie and they kiss each other too. Soon we''re giggling and kissing each other in the kitchen, excited that we are literally having our cake and eating it too. When we''re done being wrapped up in each other, Nick makes hot cocoa and we go to the living room.
We watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and snuggle with each other on the floor under a pile of blankets. We grope each other underneath and laugh, and I pretend like I don''t want it but I want to stay all night. When the commercial break airs Nick seems to be reading my mind and asks the question.
"Do you want to stay the night," he asks.
"Why not," Charlie replies.
"Awesome, let''s stay up all night," I exclaim.
"Oh Annabelle, you dirty girl," Charlie says.
He laughs and I realize that it came out sounding a lot less innocent than I intended. I just liked staying up and watching Christmas specials. Charlie kisses me on the cheek and whispers a quick apology for teasing me, and I kiss him back. I''ve started another kissing contest, and then it''s more than just kissing by the time the commercial break is over.
We''re naked and excited and the memories of last time make me tingle all over. We spend all night taking turns with each other in the living room and fall asleep when the sun is about to rise. When I wake up later on, I groan because I slept on the rough carpet, naked and exhausted.
Between the two of them, warm and safe, I forgive them for all the stupid things they did, and I forgive myself.
Rush
Momma knocks on the door and then walks in while I''m packing to go back to Las Estrellas.
Why knock but then enter before I say anything?
I try to be patient with her, Anne says I should, but she makes it so hard sometimes. Momma sits on my bed and she looks a little sad.
"What happened," I ask.
"Well my son is leaving before the end of the year, and I''m a little lonely is all," she says.
"You got Daddy and the dog."
"Can''t you stay," she asks.
"I''m sorry Momma, I got work."
She accepts this as an answer because she is sure I am going to be the next big thing. I didn''t really care that much about being famous or whatever, I just wanted to leave town. At best I thought I''d join some cover band and make side cash on the weekends. Now I have actual money and I don''t know what to do with it.
"Just make sure to finish in time so you can eat breakfast with us," she says.
"Yes''m."
I double-check my backpack for my airplane tickets and run down the stairs. Daddy''s reading the newspaper as he does every morning, and Juno is under the table, ready for whatever I accidentally "drop". Momma''s making something that will clog my arteries, and I feel a little guilty that I''m going back to Las Estrellas early, but it''s not for work.
It''s for a party.
I might get the chance to perform, so technically it''s work.
I try to have a conversation with her, but I can''t because I''m nervous. I have to be careful about what I tell her. I hate that I can''t talk about my life around her. I could never tell her that I was seeing a woman and a man. Maybe she''d come around if I was seeing only a man, but this seems like something she''d never understand.
So I talk about the gigs I worked, and how I''m trying to write another song to sell, because it''s easy, and it''s bad to start a fight right before I''m leaving again until her birthday.
When I''m done I feel like I can''t leave the house fast enough. I call Nick and he comes to pick me up. I tell him to meet me further up the road so my parents don''t see and I feel embarrassed.
I ain''t in high school anymore.
When he comes to pick me up he has that cute small smile of his and is excited. I put my stuff in the trunk, get in, and he takes me to meet up with Anne at the diner.
She already has a table for us, but Nicole is our waiter, and I think it''s pretty funny because Anne doesn''t like her, and for no good reason. Since I already ate I just get myself a coffee, but Anne and Nick ordered themselves what looked like the Last Supper. When the food arrived, I finally decided to pop the question because no one can be upset with pancakes in their mouth.
At least I hope so.
"I''ve been thinking about a lot the past three days," I say. "I was thinking, maybe you should come with me to Las Estrellas, Anne."
Anne looks completely surprised and puts her knife and fork down.
"You serious," she asks.
"Dead serious."
"What about Nick," she asks.
Nick looks a little sad, cocks his head to the side, and tells us it''s okay.
"It would feel wrong to leave you behind," Anne says. " I missed you so much in Austere."
"I don''t know what I''d do Las Estrellas," he says. "I can''t write anymore."
"You will. You just gotta get better."
"Do you want to come too," I ask. "What would you do in Edelweiss if you can''t write for now?"
"I don''t know," he says. "Besides, isn''t that moving too fast? Give me some time to think about it."
He drink some coffee and looks out the window, and he''s doing the thing again where he crawls inside himself, gets too much into his head. I look at his hand underneath the table, and I want to hold it, but instead I latch my pinkie finger with his. Nick''s head snaps away from the window and his eyes go wide. He gives me serious bedroom eyes and I have to look away because I worry we are being too obvious.
"I''m going," Anne said. "But where would we live? Isn''t the rent ridiculous over there?"
"Oh, I moved in with a friend right before I came down here to visit," I say. "His house is huge. There''s plenty of room!"
Anne and I make plans and Nick pretends he is not listening, but I know he is. He and Anne put on these airs, and it''s strange as hell. I don''t know why I let them do it but I''m starting to think I have a type.
When we''re done eating, Nick pays for everything and leaves Nicole a huge tip. She thanks him several times, takes our plates, and runs off to the back.
"Where were you when I was a waitress," Anne said.
"I caught the guy who robbed you," Nick replied.
"Huh. Yeah, thanks for that."
"It was alright of you to save us, I guess," I say.
Anne and I laugh and it''s fun to tease him. He''s just too easy.
When we''re done, we all go back to Nick''s place, and we try to spend as much time as we can together, but it''s not enough. I know we shouldn''t go over, we''ll get up to no good, but I just want one more time with them.
Nick''s room is filled with books, and stacks of notebooks. The bookcases cover every side of the wall, and there''s a lava lamp right next to his huge bed. He''s a huge nerd, and above the desk are a bunch of posters from movies, but on the back of his door are a bunch of notecards with his author''s notes all over it.
I''m busy looking around, and Anne hugs me from behind and drags me to the bed. I try to get up and Nick pushes me back onto it, giving me the same look from the diner.
"Take off your clothes," he commands me.
"You''re so shy in public, but all alone you''re the loudest in the room, aren''t ya," I reply.
He pushes me down and gets on top of me, and now everything is a blur. My head is empty while Anne and Nick take off my clothes. I don''t worry about money or fame when I touch Anne''s chest and smell her hair. I forget about all the problems with my family when Nick kisses me.
When two mouths are wrapped around my lower half an alarm sounds. My phone, still in the pocket of my jeans, reminds me that I have a plane to catch.
"Ignore it," I tell them.
They don''t listen to me and I''m upset because my head is still empty, so the other head is now in charge. Anne and Nick make me get dressed and get into the car against my will. I''ve been trying to leave as fast as possible since I woke up but now I want to stay.
I sulk in the backseat and Anne leans on me while the radio plays Need You Now. It feels so strange whenever a song plays that knows how I''m feeling. It''s like a sign. Of what I ain''t sure.
At the airport, we make it early, because for some reason you always have to be two hours early for a plane that is meant to leave late. Before I go to the security check section, I give them one last goodbye.
Without hesitation, I kiss Anne and tell her I''ll miss her. Nick looks jealous and then I make a split-second decision.
"I''ll miss you too," I say.
I bring him close, lean slightly, and kiss him. A few people in the waiting area had strange looks on their faces because I kissed two people goodbye, but I didn''t care. I don''t know them from Adam.
Nick is flustered and doesn''t know what to do and Anne takes his hand. They wave goodbye and I look back for one last time.
On the plane, I''m lucky enough to have a window seat, and no one next to me, but it just makes me feel lonely.
im so tired...
It''s 6:30 AM and my alarm blares.
It''s one of Kyle''s songs that I used to love but hearing it every morning is now starting to make me want to chuck my phone out the window.
I drag myself out of bed because it''s time to get to work. Looking pretty is now part of my job, and it''s a little weird.
I put on my grey shirt, red shorts, and gym shoes, then run down the grand staircase. The staircase winds down in a spiral, so every time I go down it feels more fun than the last, like a slide. My sneakers squeak across the marble floors, and when I enter the kitchen, Kyle is there.
"Mornin''," I tell him.
"What time is it," Kyle groans. "I didn''t go to bed."
He''s hunched over, sitting at a laptop on the kitchen island. Kyle scratches the marble countertops, and today I notice his nails are no longer green, but black. His eyes have bags underneath them, and they look even bigger when he takes off his red wide-rimmed glasses.
"I been up all night man, trying to make a new track. Kill me," he groans.
"I''ll do ya one better. I''ll make you a smoothie."
"Please dude, none of that whey whatever shit in it that you eat."
"You gotta try it, how else do you think I get these."
I flex my muscles and grin, and Kyle snorts. He takes a rubber band off his wrist and puts his dyed purple hair up in a bun. Kyle complains and groans all the time about work, but he won''t quit no matter how many times he claims.
The loud whirr of the blender helps him wake up a little bit, and I give him a mango banana smoothie.
"None of that whey shit it in either," I say with a laugh.
"Amen to that brother. Cheers."
He raises his glass, takes a giant gulp, and puts his headphones back on to test another song. It''s already 8 AM so I got to get going, and I promise to give him feedback on new stuff when I get back. I put on my headphones, check my phone to track my steps, and start jogging out the house, and into the neighborhood.
I''ve been at Kyle''s place for a while, but I still can''t get used to the neighborhood. Huge houses with pools, bored wives, and for some reason everyone owns a dog. All the kids go to fancy private schools, and every time I ask what someone does for work it doesn''t sound like a real job.
I jog all the way to the front gate of the neighborhood and wave to the security guard, who reminds me of Harry from back home. I keep going down the hill and into the nearby plaza where I get my daily coffee. It''s at some small place, and it doesn''t even have a name, just a picture of a mug on the front door.
When I walk in, I''m greeted by my favorite barista.
"Hey Charlie," Star says. "I got what you need ready."
Star gives me my Americano, I give him exact change, and the other people waiting in line look mildly annoyed. Not my fault they ain''t the best customer in town.
I guzzle my Americano and people watch while Star works the front counter. Star''s real name is Jeff and honestly, if my name was Jeff I would probably go by Star too. He is the kind of person that I would not be caught dead with in Edelweiss but in Las Estrellas, there are plenty of people like Star.
He wears some sort of pin of some flavor of a gay flag that I am unsure of. There are too many to count. His septum is pierced and his hair is long and dyed blue. His nails are always decorative, and this week they''re blue and white for New Year''s.
The morning rush dies down for a bit, and Star comes over to my table. He drinks some abomination with too much sugar and he is thrilled to tell me all the ridiculous stuff he''s been up to.
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"Charlie dear, I am so happy to see you have returned from the land of the dead," he says.
"It ain''t that bad," I reply.
"You''re like the only gay guy in that town," Star said incredulously. "Well, not anymore now that you''re here."
"Honestly I missed Edelweiss but I hate that I had to be careful about what I say the entire time I was there. My daily life shouldn''t be seen as bad."
"I get it," Star said. "We''ve all been there."
Half of the people who work at the coffee shop are some kind of gay because the owner is.
They don''t have to worry about getting fired, or pretending once they walk in the doors, a luxury I wish I had. I met Star when I came here for the first time, looking around town. I stared at him because I had never seen anyone who was a man but did their hair and nails like a lady.
He thought I was checking him out, which is some amazing self-confidence I am jealous of.
"Can I talk to you about something later," I ask.
"Oh, what is it?"
"Questions about stuff, y''know, that sort of stuff."
"Aaaahh."
He nods and knows what I''m trying to allude to but is too shy to say directly. Star tells me everything he''s been up to since I''ve been gone and explains what voguing is. I don''t think he''s explaining it right, because it sounds like a circus, but everyone is gay. He offers to take me some time, even though I always say no to his weird events.
But this time I change my mind.
"I wanna go. I wanna know what it''s like to be around more uh, people like me," I say.
"Ohmygodyes," Star says in one full breath. "I''ll message you the details and I''ll bring the crew."
"The crew?"
"Ohmygodyes, you will love them," he tells me.
I don''t know what I''ve gotten myself into but I don''t want to change my mind. I can''t avoid everything forever.
After we talk a bit more, Star goes back to work, and I jog back home up the hill. I love the way down but going back up I feel like my heart is about to jump out of my mouth. When I''m finally home and walk into the kitchen, I find Kyle asleep at the kitchen counter isle again.
"You work too damn much," I say.
I wake him up and instead of going upstairs to sleep, he walks to the living room and sleeps on the couch. I leave him be because I''m tired after that hill. After showering and getting dressed, I prepare for tonight. Kyle is hosting a huge party for New Year''s Eve and it''s the time to meet someone with connections.
While trying to find the right clothes to impress some producer, Star calls. He always calls, and never texts, because he thinks it''s too impersonal. I think he always calls because girls always call, and he kind of is one, but whatever.
I answer my phone and he immediately tries to pry information out of me.
"What did you do Charlie," he asks.
"Damn it, Anne says the same thing. Why does everyone think I did something?"
"That''s why you wanted to talk, right?"
"I mean. Sort of. Yeah."
I tell him about Nick and Anne. Star hates Nick and has known about him for a while. He hates every single thing I''ve told him about Nick, and he swears that if he meets him he''ll start a fight.
I''m a little scared he''s serious.
"You''re dating the guy that took your virginity right before you came to town because he''s a coward? That same Nick. Has to be a different Nick," Star says.
"He''s not so bad," I say.
"He''s an ass, and I bet you he''s gonna cheat."
"Damn it, don''t say that."
"Some people confuse being poly with cheating, and he seems the type," Star says.
"What is poly," I ask.
Star informs me of another gay thing that I did not know about. I sometimes wonder if I really like men because I don''t know all these terms. It''s like all the gays speak a different language and I need to know the special password if I want to join the club.
"That doesn''t sound like me," I say.
"You have two partners. You''re poly," Star says.
"No, I just really like them, I''m not a Mormon."
"Oh no, please never say that again."
He laughs like a hyena and I finally decide on a suit. I have several now for auditions, in several colors, and I choose the blue one. All I need is the right watch, so I look rich just like them, and I''m ready for the night. I open my top drawer and look at the three watches I own and sigh.
"I like Anne," Star says. "She sounds kind of immature but good."
"I feel confused sometimes when I''m with her," I admit.
"Why? She''s your best friend."
"I know. She''s the only woman I''ve thought about doing anything with, so I question myself."
"Oh sweet Charlie. You will be 87, farting dust, and yelling at kids to get off your lawn one day. And you will still ask yourself if you''re gay. I do it too. And then something will happen, and your fears will go away for a while."
"Really? Is that how a lot of people feel?"
"Yup. Maybe it''s different because it''s just Anne?"
"That has to be it."
I chose my newest watch, simply because it''s the newest, and get white dress shoes to go with my suit. Everything is ready for tonight, and when I go downstairs, the caterers and all the service people are getting ready for tonight.
"Hey, you wanna come to a party tonight," I ask Star.
"Fuck, yes, what time?"
"It''s one of those things where people arrive late on purpose," I explain.
"Got it, I''ll be there at 10 PM."
I tell him goodbye and hang up, and Kyle wanders into the foyer. He is awake but not really here. He''s instructing all the people on where to set up everything, and I am genuinely concerned he will fall asleep during the party.
"Dude, go to bed," I tell him.
"Later. Later. Sleep is for the weak."
An hour later he is sitting in the dining room, asleep, and one of the caterers puts a blanket over him.
New Year, New Mistakes
It''s easy to find Kyle during the party because he''s the DJ.
Outside in the backyard, there is a giant jumbo screen, with flashing internet memes, gifs, and some kind of weird swirl of colors. He''s on a small stage, wearing a giant metal helmet with cat ears on it. An LED screen on it shows blinking eyes and it''s even more ridiculous looking with the sparkling purple suit he has on.
I''m watching the entire event from my bedroom window, and it''s hypnotic. People dancing to the beat, the flashing lights, and the sporadic fireworks going off throughout the neighborhood makes it feel like a fancy TV commercial. It doesn''t help that almost everyone at the party tonight has been in a commercial, and I start to get nervous again.
I got all dressed up, and I''m at the party, but I''m still lonely without Anne and Nick.
"It''s the New Year," I tell myself. "Time to nut up, Charles."
I pre-game by taking a few shots, smack my face a bit to wake up, and I''m ready to show my best self.
I double-check my outfit and leave my room to a full hallway of people with familiar faces but none of which I know their names. They''re drunk, and happy to see me, because they''re drunk, and weirdly I go along with it.
"Nice to meet y''all," I tell the men in the hallway.
"Oh! I love your accent," one of them says.
I grin, used to the compliments about my accent.
"Y''all all sound like you got accents to me," I reply.
They laugh, and soon the topic turns to accents and travel, and where they''re going to vacation that summer. They all travel for work apparently, and they all seem to know each other.
"Y''all look familiar, do I know you from somewhere," I ask.
They all give each other looks, and funny grins, and then bust out laughing.
"We''re ''adult entertainers'', " the tall one says.
I try not to make a weird face, but my face twists up anyway, and they all start laughing again.
"My name is Angel, this is Rusty, and that is Onyx."
"Everyone in this town makes me feel like my name just ain''t it," I laugh. "My name is Charles."
"We''re so happy you like our work," Rusty says.
He looks at me and I feel like he is undressing me with his eyes. I want him to keep doing it but I don''t even think I should be talking to any of them, especially if people find out where I recognize them from.
"It was nice meeting you," I mumble. "Gotta go..."
They laugh again when I leave and I am so happy they cannot see me twist my face again in embarrassment. I make a mental note to clear my browser history while I try to go down the spiral staircase. People are sitting, talking, and draping themselves over it. Even the way they loiter looks glamorous and I start to believe I''m really in a commercial.
When I get to the foyer, I see a beautiful woman in a crowd of people. Something about her seems familiar so I go to see what''s happening. She''s wearing a long dress that is glittery and falls onto the floor, and her blue hair is up with some fancy crown on. I stare and stare until I notice the piercing and then I realize.
"Star is that you," I exclaim.
"I was waiting for you to notice," he said. "I felt like being pretty tonight when I decided to prepare myself for next year''s mistakes."
Everyone laughs and he continues to tell some story about the time that he ran away from the police during a protest that turned into a riot. At first, I think I have heard this story already, but then as the story goes on it is a different riot that he somehow was in.
"You''re gonna get yourself hurt being in the wrong place at the wrong time," I tell him.
"I am always at the wrong place at the right time," he replies. "You have not lived until you have thrown a brick during a fire downtown."
"Oh gosh, you are so bohemian," a woman says. "Come home with me. I want to keep you like a pet."
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She is very drunk and rubs Star''s arm as if she is petting a small rabbit. I grin while Star explains that he is not interested in women, and then laugh when the drunk woman says she simply wants to keep her in her house.
"You need some water to sober up. Girl, you can''t keep me in your house," Star said.
"Rich folks in L.E. do it all the time," I explain. "Ky- I mean, DJ KayFi lets me stay here for free."
"Excuse me," Star says.
He leans in like I am saying something insane, but in this town it''s quite normal. Or maybe it''s normal with all the celebrities in this part of town? I''m not sure. The more I try explaining it the weirder it seems to Star, and the more the other people in the crowd laugh. The drunk woman is still petting him like a rabbit, trying to take Star home, and he is slowly coming around to the idea of it.
I tell them goodbye and go up the crowded stairs again to my room. I need to use the bathroom and get an energy drink from my mini fridge. When I opened my door I saw a light from my bathroom and got annoyed with myself because I forgot to lock the door. I lock it on my way in, and sit on my bed, waiting for the stranger inside to finish up.
When the person walks out I feel as if he has walked in on me and the other way around.
A built, older man in a tuxedo exits. He''s very handsome, with grey streaks in his hair and his eyes seem that sort of mixture of green and brown with blue that you can''t quite place what color it is.
"I couldn''t find an empty bathroom, somehow in this house," the man said. "I''m sorry."
"It''s fine. Call of nature."
"That accent, where are you from," he asks.
I laugh and am no longer upset about the stranger using my restroom. Maybe because he is handsome.
"I ain''t from anywhere you''d know," I say.
"Try me."
"Edelweiss."
"A handsome man is from a town of pretty flowers," he replies. "Sounds about right."
"How did you know it''s a flower?"
He goes on to tell me about his hobby, and his love of flowers. He bought a large house specifically for a large garden, and for a moment I feel like he is a normal man, until he tells me he bought a small chain of flower shops just so he can pick whatever he likes at any time.
"I''ve been talking too long, you''re probably tired of listening to an old man," he says. "Tell me about yourself."
I''m suddenly self-aware. I think about how he called me handsome, how we are alone together, and that he is too nice compared to most of the rich men in this town.
"I uh, I''m just a guy, y''know," I say. "Name''s Charlie and I write songs."
"I''m William. Nice to meet you."
He shakes my hand, and I offer him some whiskey and vodka on my shelf. We drink and talk, and I tell him about the past half year I''ve spent in L.E. Unlike everyone else though, when I tell him about what I want to do with my life, he doesn''t laugh. He takes me seriously. Everyone in this town wants to be famous, and so many people come from all over, to the point that I feel embarrassed whenever I tell people, ''I can sing''.
"Where did you learn how to sing," William asks.
"Church."
I take a shot of vodka because it is a shame I am still sober this late night. He has a glint in his eyes when he looks at me and I am prepared for The Question.
"Can you sing for me," he asks, like everyone else.
"You''ll have to pay to first!"
"Fleecing an old man, I see."
"I steal candy from babies as well."
He chuckles and demands to hear me sing again. I relent because the drink is finally hitting, and I''m feeling warm all over. Better sing one last song before the year ends.
I open my top dresser drawer and try looking for my guitar, but then realize I am not sober, and it cannot fit in there. I look right next to it, and find the blue one there, next to a stack of old records.
"Move over," I mumble. "Gotta sit to play."
He scoots down the bed, and I play my favorite song, God Only Knows. Lines crinkle around William''s pretty eyes, and his teeth are so white it burns. I miss a few chords, but I don''t think he can tell because I never stop playing and never stop singing, a true performer even when my head is swimming.
When I''m done he opens his wallet and gives me a hundred dollars.
"I can''t take this," I say. "It feels illegal."
"You said I have to pay to hear you sing," he replies. "I''m supporting an up-and-coming singer!"
"No," I slur."Never."
"How about my card," he offers. "So I can pay you for more time? I like our time together."
I do not understand what he is implying and confuse his proposition with networking. He gives me a business card, and he has a separate card too for his personal number.
Loud shouts echo through the house, and the countdown begins. I take another shot with William and pump my fists in the air while waiting for the big surprise that Kyle promised for tonight.
Giant fireworks soar throughout the neighborhood when the clock strikes 12. William and I walk out to my balcony and watch them from outside. He leans in close and hugs me, and I lean into his chest because he is warm and my mind is hazy.
"Are you drunk," he asks.
"I pre-gamed!"
"This isn''t a football match," he laughs.
"Always drink before the party in case the food is shit," I say drunkenly.
"This is your home," he laughs again. "You decided on the food!"
"I am the house pet. I did not choose the food!"
"Time to go inside," he sighs.
He takes me inside, worried I''ll fall over the railing, but I don''t care. I try to escape outside to the beauty of the blinding lights, but he grabs me tight from behind. He''s crazy strong and it surprises me.
"Sit down, please," he begs.
"No!"
He leans over me, puts his face on my shoulder and I try to stay upright. His head moves up to my neck and I''m excited how warm his breath is on my ears.
"You''ve got to sober up," he says. "I don''t want to kiss you while you''re drunk."
"Sir, I can''t kiss you," I tell him.
"Yes, you''re drunk."
"No, because it''s illegal. I can''t have three people."
He is now done with my nonsense and pushes me onto the bed. I think he is going to change his mind about kissing me, but he takes an empty cup to the bathroom and returns with some water.
"Drink or else you''ll feel it in the morning," he tells me.
I do as he says, and I lie down on the bed because the room is spinning and for the first time in a long time, I have overestimated my tolerance. I didn''t eat much today anyway.
When I wake up I feel it in the morning like he warned me. I feel like a horny idiot and almost believed the entire thing was some weird sex dream until I find his card in my pocket.
I make a bad decision and do not throw it away.
Bill Byrn
I think about William for a day or two but put him out of my mind quickly.
I asked Star about it, and he said William is an old pervert, but he could also be a producer. He also told me that I should make him believe I want him for a role, but I don''t want to sleep with him.
I don''t know him like that.
And I have Anne and Nick.
They''re visiting for a week, and I do not know what to tell Kyle before they arrive. He knows they''re coming and wants to meet them, but how does someone introduce a boyfriend and a girlfriend? What if he thinks I want him and kicks me out? What if he thinks we''re weird? I like being his friend, and I love the free rent, but can I really be friends with someone if I can''t tell them about my life?
After my morning jog, I call Anne and she tells me everything will be fine, and that she has an idea.
"Cashmere said she always wanted to go to Las Estrellas, and it could help her get another costuming apprenticeship. She can come too so he won''t think anything about it if there''s one extra person."
"That''s a good idea. She seemed nice the first time I met her at the bar, too. I''ll let Kyle know."
After my phone call, I take a shower, and while going through my dresser, I find the old pervert William''s card.
I made some money from writing a song, but I don''t want to be the faceless name on a credit screen that no one pays attention to at the end of a movie or the back of an album. I never thought I''d had a chance, and a part of me came to L.E. to spite Anne, but I don''t want that no more.
I call his personal number, and he picks up.
"Yes, this is Bill."
"I''m sorry I thought this was William. This must be an outdated number."
He laughs on the phone and assures me it''s him.
"I go by Bill Byrns. It sounds a lot better than William Byrns or Willy Byrns."
"Willy Byrns sounds like the name of a cartoon character," I laugh.
"I thought the same damn thing! A name is everything around here!"
I forget he is an old pervert while we talk on the phone about who is who in town, and he name drops, humbly of course, all these people I have seen only in movies or TV.
"I''d like it if you called me William," he said. "Only you and no one else."
I am still standing in my towel in my room and feel as if he knows, even though that is impossible. He asks me to come over to his place and I don''t think I should, because this is no longer the territory of stupid flirting.
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"I can''t, I have plans this week. Friends from back home are visiting," I say.
Thankfully it is not a lie, but he is not backing down.
"What are you doing next week?"
"I don''t know," I stupidly admit.
"Message me when you know," he says. "I want to see you."
"You''re so direct," I say. "Why?"
I laugh nervously and I don''t know why I asked him, why I am still talking to him, why I like all this attention.
"The older you get the fewer games you want to play. The chase is fun, but the end is always the sweetest. Why not get to the best part first?"
I tell him that I''ll let him know when I''m free, and hang up because I am bricking up and this is not a good way to live. I yelled at Nick, and here I am playing with the idea of cheating. I think it''s okay because I haven''t done anything yet, but the issue here is the yet.
"Stop this," I tell myself.
I get dressed and go downstairs because I''m going to be late for church.
Momma would kill me if she knew I went to a non-denominational church. She says they''re worse than Catholics because they can''t choose a side. I think she needs to stop watching too much TBS. I like the non-denominational church that I go to. I can come in jeans and a nice shirt and not feel bad. I can meet new people and be myself because they say all are welcome.
It is nothing like Pastor Grant''s church in Edelweiss. That church was older than sin itself, and this one was made three years ago from all the money the parishioners saved up over a decade. They used to use a gym once a week, and now they proudly talk about how far they''ve come. It made me want to stay the first time I came, because I thought, why not be a part of something good?
The inside is large, and the main part of the church has new pews, with plenty of hymnal books to spare. There are so many people here that there are ushers and an overflow room. There is no cornbread to eat after the service is over, but there is a state-of-the-art kitchen which is good enough for me.
I ask for forgiveness before I go on stage for the morning praise service because I know the truth of why I like performing. It''s sinful to have this much pride, but who doesn''t want to keep the rush? I love the people looking at the stage, the jealous looks of other people who could not pass the auditions to join the church choir, and the applause at the end. It is not fame but a piece of heaven on stage that I crave and it is delivered to me every Sunday at 8 AM.
When the morning praise set is over, I take my usual seat at the side with the other performers and listen to the sermon. From the angle of the stage, I can see a couple, two men, and I wonder how they do it. Aren''t they afraid? But I''ve seen them here every week.
No one knows about me here and I have not made any friends yet, despite loving everything about it. I just can''t shake this feeling that I am on the outside looking in, especially from up on the stage.
When church is over I decide to hurry back home because I am somehow hiding myself from the world. I call an Uber and wait on the sidewalk when a man approaches. It''s an older man, but he''s wearing a white suit, with a white hat, and he reminds me of the Colonel with the way he''s dressed.
I assume he is another old pervert, here to ask me if I want to see his bedroom, but he is not.
"You there," the man says loudly. "I know what you are."
Oh God.
It''s happening.
They know.
"You''re a singer! The pastor told me all about you," the old man said.
"Oh, yeah, ''course I am," I say.
"I''m George Glenn. I want you to come audition at our studio," he says.
"What? Me?"
"I ain''t talkin'' to no one else," he laughs. "Where you from, son?"
"Edelweiss."
"Ain''t never heard of it. I''m from a place ain''t no one heard of neither! Let''s help each other out!"
George is a man who does not speak normally. He''s always shouting and he has enough energy for four people. He shakes my hand hard enough to move my entire body and gives me his card. He''s talking my ear off until the Uber comes and I can''t get inside it fast enough. After relaxing in the wonderful AC, it sets in that I have done it.
I''m about to make my lucky break.
Dont Touch Anything
"I feel like I''ve broken something and I haven''t," Cashmere says.
"Don''t be silly you''re fine," Anne assures her. "Just a nice place is all."
Cashmere, Anne, and Nick are finally here, and they''re in the foyer taking it all in. I probably had the same look on my face as they did when I first came here. Nick doesn''t seem as impressed as the other two, and its a bit odd, but he''s a weird man anyway.
"Y''all can get a tour of the house after I show you your rooms," I say. "It''s up the stairs."
"I am so tired, I don''t want to go up that," Cashmeme says.
"We got an elevator," I reply.
Now Nick looks impressed and nods in approval. I take them up the elevator, which even has elevator music that Kyle chose himself. When we get to second floor, I take them down the right end to where all the guest rooms are. Little signs hang on each one and I am excited to show it off.
"Kyle helped me get some stuff to make it special for each of y''all. Check it out," I tell them.
Anne runs off into her room and squeals in excitement. It has a pink electric guitar I bought for her on the bed and she runs to it.
"Charlie you''re wonderful," she says.
"I know."
She walks over to me, stands on her toes, and gives me a kiss. Her chapstick smells like cinnamon and now I want everyone to leave so I can taste more of her. Nick is flushed and has that look I adore. He''s not doing a good job of hiding it because Cashmere is glaring at him for some reason.
"Let''s go to our rooms Nick and give these two some alone time," Cashmere says.
"Oh. Yes."
They leave and the moment the two of them are gone, Anne is like a wild animal. She puts the guitar on the ground and grabs me by the end of my shirt. She drags me over to the bed and crawls on top of me, ready to pounce on her prey.
"They''re gonna hear us," I say.
"No, they ain''t."
"What about Nick? Shouldn''t he be here?"
"Why??"
"Isn''t this...cheating?"
Anne snorts and laughs and I twist my face at her rudeness. She runs her fingers through my hair and tells me I''m being silly.
"Silly man," she says. "This ain''t cheating."
"Shouldn''t we always do this together," I ask.
"Charles, why do you keep talking about cheating?"
I look away and she knows.
She knows what I have done.
"Charles Wolfe. What have you done?"
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"Not a thing. I swear."
"Then look at me."
I can''t.
"Damn it, Charlie, why are you doing this," she asks. "Just tell me!"
I tell her about William and it just pours out. I can''t stop. I''ve been thinking about telling her because I just know I did something wrong. I always feel like I''ve done something wrong, even when I never have. She stops me when I start telling her about the chain of flower shops he owns, and lays her head on my chest.
"Don''t tell Nick," she says.
"Don''t tell him about William? Why?"
"He won''t understand Charlie. He won''t understand that you have to do what you gotta do sometimes."
"Are you telling me-"
"I''m telling you that maybe I might have kissed Lilah, and maybe it was to get more lines. Just a hypothetical."
"Jesus, Anne."
"I wasn''t dating either of y''all," she says. "Remember the night I came back to town? When the set came to the bar?"
"Yeah," I say.
"Earlier in the day I spent some time in her RV. Maybe we kissed a little, maybe a little more, just a hypothetical," Anne says.
I sit up a little and for the first time ever I think I am interested in girl talk with Anne. I have been around Star too much, and he''s rubbing off on me.
"Don''t tell anyone about Lilah," Anne whispers. "But she has a you know what."
"I already knew that," I laugh. "Lilah doesn''t hide it from nobody."
"You knew!?"
"How do you know that, Anne?"
She looks away and now it is my turn to pester her.
"Butt stuff doesn''t count Charles," she says.
"Yes it does Anne, we''ve been over this."
"I''m just sayin'' sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do!"
"Was it worth it," I ask.
She nods yes and blushes. I feel jealous thinking about Lilah kissing her, her hands all over Anne''s body, being inside of her. I grab Anne by the waist and kiss her neck and she giggles.
"You ain''t angry," she asks.
"I''m a little jealous."
"I don''t want Lilah," Anne says. "I just wanted more scenes. And I got what I wanted, and she got what she wanted. When the summer indie festival comes around I''ll get more exposure."
"You got plenty of exposure with Lilah."
She punches me in the chest and I pretend like it hurts. I flop over dramatically on the bed, screaming in agony.
"Help," I shout. "I''m bein'' murdered!"
Running footsteps come thudding and the door swings open. Nick has a heavy dictionary in his hand and is looking for the pretend murderer. He glares when he sees us flirting on the bed and I start to believe I am cheating on my boyfriend with our girlfriend. He shuts the door behind himself and shakes his head.
"You two are ridiculous."
"You wanna know what''s really ridiculous," Anne shouts.
"Anne don''t tell him about-"
"Charlie here thinks if it''s just the two of us then it''s cheating," Anne says.
I''m relieved she didn''t tell him about William, but what would be there to tell if nothing happened? Charlie laughs and gets on the bed with us and my heart starts to race. He leans in close and whispers in my ear.
"Charles, do you think using your left hand is cheating," Nick asks.
Anne howls with laughter and I push her off of me. She''s crying while laughing and can hardly breathe. Nick chuckles and gives a small grin.
"You guys are always teasing me, now it''s your turn," he says.
"I ain''t strong enough for it," I admit.
"Don''t worry, I can fix that."
He kisses me, and Anne is grumpy because they both want their missed doses of Charlie. We kiss each other until I can''t take it anymore and unhook Anne''s bra. Nick''s mouth is on one of her tits while I''m grabbing the other and kissing her from behind. Her soft moans echo in the room but she goes quiet when a knock is at the door.
She quickly pulls her shirt down and Cashmere walks in, none the wiser.
"I know this is going to sound so funny, but I do not know how to use the robot toilet in the guest room."
Oh thank God she didn''t hear us.
"I had the same problem when I first moved here, don''t worry. There''s a manual under the sink."
She gives a quick thanks and returns back to her guestroom. Once she''s gone we all look at each other and know that we can''t keep this up forever.
"I got an idea," Anne says. "What if we took turns?"
"She just left Anne, jeez, calm down," I reply.
"CHARLES! NO! I mean we can take turns seeing each other. This way we don''t get caught, and also you can stop believing that being with only one of us at a time is cheating.
"I like that idea," Nick says.
"How about tonight I get to be with Charlie, and tomorrow I can go out with Cashmere for some shopping and you can spend some time together?"
"Why can''t I spend time with him tonight," Nick asks.
"I can be with you tomorrow night," Anne says.
"I like this idea much more now."
He makes the face that I adore again and promises he''ll be patient, but Anne says she isn''t.
That night I have my fill of her and then some.
Meet My Girlfriends Boyfriend
The alarm, the friend I never wanted, wakes me and Anne up at 6:30 AM.
She''s upset and so am I because I don''t want to go for my jog, I want to be wrapped in her.
Instead of pressing the button that ends the alarm, I unplug it, and she giggles. I jump back into bed with her, and now she is the big spoon while I am the little one. It ain''t make no sense considering the size but I ain''t complaining. She scratches my chest and tells me that she already misses me.
"I gotta keep my promise though. Nick''s turn," she whined.
"You make me sound like a bicycle you gotta share," I chuckle.
"''Course you are, both of us ride you."
"M''am, this sort of language ''ain''t allowed ''round here. This is a family establishment."
"Hush."
She giggles, kisses me goodbye, and returns to her own room, but it''s impossible for me to fall back asleep. I get ready for the day too, but instead of wearing gym clothes, I put on something to impress. At least, I think. Kyle says this is designer, but it is just a very fancy white t-shirt to me, and jeans.
When I walk into the kitchen, instead of finding Kyle, hunched over his laptop, I find Cashmere. She doesn''t look as bright as usual. She has some kinda cheetah print cap on her head and is drinking coffee aggressively. The sound of Cashmere''s clicking of her fancy long nails, the same sort Star wears, echoes, and her grumpy mood makes me feel like I''ve done something wrong.
"Good morning ma''am," I say quietly.
"''Morning, Charlie," she says groggily. "I didn''t sleep worth shit. I saw something that really upset me."
I walk up to her, concerned and kinda relieved because for whatever stupid reason I thought she was angry with me when she was only tired.
"What happened?"
"I couldn''t sleep ''cause of that jet lag time whatever stuff," Cashmere says. "I went down here to get some water."
She takes the last few sips of her coffee and glares at the mug like it did something wrong.
"Charlie, when I was walking toward the kitchen I saw the two of them...kissing..."
Oh no.
Sweet Lord.
I know who she''s talking about so I try to play stupid.
"Nick... and Kyle...?"
Cashmere rolls her eyes and shakes her head. Her nails clack on the countertop even faster and now I think she''s angry with me.
"No! Anne and Nick," she whispers.
"Never," I say, in the most pretend shock I can muster.
She squints at me real hard and she probably doesn''t believe that I''m shocked, so I try harder.
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"Anne and I have known each other forever, she would never!"
"That doesn''t mean-"
"And besides. She was with me last night."
Cashmere''s eyebrows go up, and my cheeks go a little red and I try to change the topic.
"Do you-"
"You know she could have woken up in the middle of the night and come downstairs, right," Cashmere asks me.
"I''m a light sleeper," I lie.
Cashmere shakes her head even more and sighs.
"Why don''t you believe me," she asks.
"I...I don''t know."
Cashmere gets up from the countertop chair, puts her cup in the sink, and starts rinsing it out, but she pauses when Nick and Anne enter the kitchen. It looks like they just finished getting out of the shower because both of their hair is still kinda wet and my mind starts to wonder if they showered together.
Cashmere sure thinks they did from the look of anger on her face.
God bless this woman and her good intentions but I am afraid she''s gonna tear Nick''s face off when she walks over to him. She glares up at him, and somehow he seems scared of her, even though he''s way taller and bigger than her.
"Tell him what you did last night," Cashmere says.
"I...went to bed," Nick replies.
"And when you woke up in the middle of the night?"
"Cash, how about we talk about this later," Anne says.
She ignores Anne and waits for the reply.
But Nick never says anything, always avoiding anything with feelings, and it''s the weirdest fucking silence I''ve been through in my life.
Anne sighs and gives up.
"Cash, we''re together. We''re all together," Anne explains. "All three of us."
Kyle walks into the kitchen right when she says this and does a U-turn right back out. I cover my face in shame because now I have to tell him something I never wanted to and this was not how I wanted it to happen.
Cashmere points at both me and Nick skeptically and Anne nods.
"So you''re telling me, that Nick is dating you and Charlie is dating you."
"That is correct," Anne mumbles.
"Neither of them get jealous," she asks. "How does this work?"
"How can they get jealous if they''re together too," Anne asks.
Cashmere''s shoulders jump a little, and she makes a small oh noise. I can see her strange imagination wondering all sorts of things in her mind when her eyes travel between all three of us. There''s another weird silence again and now it''s my turn to break it.
"So who wants breakfast!? I can ask Bernard! He can make anything," I say desperately.
"Who is Bernard," Anne asks.
"The chef."
Cashmere''s eyebrows rise and she nods in approval. The topic has changed from our sex lives but I am still scared. Why am I scared? Cashmere assures us that she doesn''t care, she just doesn''t get it.
But I am still scared.
Cashmere makes jokes about some girl from her neighborhood who cheated on the same two guys for three years and wonders why she didn''t ask the entire time to "just to do what we do". This makes me annoyed. I can''t explain why. I don''t even know what this is because it''s so new, but this upsets me.
I say nothing and laugh, but I am still scared.
Bernard makes anything we ask for, and it''s finished by 9 AM. We eat breakfast in the smaller dining room made for everyday use, not the giant one Kyle has for forty people. It still looks nice, and the table is made of glass, and the chairs are made of some material that I cannot pronounce. Cashmere and Anne are impressed but Nick doesn''t seem phased by a single thing in the house.
He must be the hardest man in the world to impress and now I''m worried he won''t like anywhere I take him when we go out later together.
Kyle joins us for breakfast, looking neater than usual. His hair is combed and it appears that he slept, unlike everyone else last night.
"Sorry about earlier, I got kinda weirded out," he says when he sits down at the table.
Cashmere and Anne laugh but Nick and I are the only ones who look mortified.
"So uh, can I ask questions," Kyle asks.
"You''re gonna ask anyway," I reply. "What is it?"
"Is it cheating if two of you do it? Do all you guys have to be there at the same time," Kyle asks.
Cashmere laughed even harder and Nick looked like he was going to die in his seat.
"I asked Anne this question yesterday," I reply. "No, it is not cheating. Why does everyone think this has to do with cheating?"
"It was only a question! Just a question," Kyle replies, defending himself.
"Let''s just eat. We got a long day ahead of us," Anne announces. "Cash and I are going shopping, Nick and Charles are going ''round town. That is, if Cash doesn''t look like she''ll kill me."
"I would never kill you. Nick, definitely," Cashmere promises.
Nick has not said a word the entire meal.
He''s probably scared too but I still don''t know what''s there to be scared of if no one here minds about what we do?