《My Perfectly Normal Trip To IKEA》 Parts 1&2 ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª PART ONE ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Something fell into my stomach. Something expanded in my stomach. Something left a hole in my world for its father to crawl through. Something left a beacon in my dreams. ¡°Future? Did you just say ¡®future¡¯? Are you sick? Are you even awake right now?! What the hell is wrong with you?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU ARROGANT PIECE OF DOGSHIT YOU BETTER PRAY! KING FUCKING DAVID! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT ANYONE, AND I MEAN ANYONE, WOULD EVER LISTEN TO SOMEONE AS WORTHLESSLY GULLIBLE AS-¡° A more than satisfying crunch stretched the room as my foot smashed into the top shelf of the bedside table, immediately crumpling it. Crumpling isn¡¯t a good word, decimating is better. I guess it felt good in a way. A twisted anger-lust had slowly creeped into the muscles of my leg, begging to be gratified. Yeah, it felt pretty good. For about five seconds. It was replaced pretty immediately afterwards with the realization of how dumb that mental relief was. I suppose the consequence of my furniture being destroyed was not enough, as was made pretty obvious by a searing pain in my right foot. ¡°Goddammit¡±. I started muttering awkwardly to myself as I dropped to the floor, resting my back on the side of my bed. I inhaled through my teeth, as I took my bare foot in my hands and did my best to stretch it towards myself. It didn¡¯t look too ugly, despite how hysterically hideous it felt. ¡°Great fucking plan, asshole¡±. It felt as though my foot had shot that line up to the front desk. I didn¡¯t blame it, it wasn¡¯t my brightest moment. There were a couple small splinters lodged pretty shallowly in the skin. I had the slightest resolve to think that the thing was already on its way out to break from a small tantrum like that. I would have to get up and get some tweezers from the vanity, but I was currently wrapped in a pretty comfortable hopelessness there on the ground. I wasn¡¯t having the best day. I suppose it wasn¡¯t horrible¡­. comparably. I stood up and focused on how unhappy it would make me to try and walk, rather than... that. I did a half limp-half hop over to the bathroom, and sat down on the edge of the tub. It was comfortable, but I kept feeling just one inch away from falling backwards. I made it easier on myself and put my whole body right into the tub. The confined space made it easier to keep my foot elevated towards me. Tweezers in hand, I distracted myself from the pain by filling my mind with random thoughts. It only took thirty seconds to realize I¡¯d rather focus on the pain. I spent the next ten minutes making sure there was no sizable pieces left. I cleaned the wound and bandaged it the best I could whilst trying to keep my mind blank. Even after such a karma riddled event, I couldn¡¯t promise myself I wouldn¡¯t do the same thing somewhere else with my fist. I didn¡¯t have proper bandages lying around, so I had to settle for two of the largest band aids I could find in the medicine cabinet. Both different sizes, both not exactly wrapping comfortably around the bottom of my foot. As I finished, I stood there staring at myself in the mirror for far too long a moment. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself? Anything that isn¡¯t what you¡¯ve done before. - My stomach offered a good distraction some five minutes later. I hadn¡¯t eaten breakfast, I wouldn¡¯t have kept it down, but no matter how much turmoil was convincing me otherwise, I needed lunch. My fridge and cabinet harmoniously laughed at that with empty shelves. Stale chips, beer (what was left from last night), and milk (expired). Chunky tortilla chip cereal didn¡¯t sound like the most appealing meal. I went into my contacts. - His desk phone rang for much longer than it usually did. If Chandler was busy, he declined calls. He was always busy, but he always called back within the hour. If he was somehow available, he never failed to answer within two rings. I was on ring ten when his hesitant answer came. ¡°¡­.. Hello?¡± He also never answered the phone like that. ¡°Hey man, ya know when you¡¯ll be done today? There¡¯s no food, like literally none. Can you stop by the store on your way?¡± Silence hung on the line. I didn¡¯t need to be told, verbally or otherwise, that Chandler was exceedingly unhappy with me. That silence was, to be honest, somewhat unnecessarily hurtful. ¡°Can you call Tobias about this? I have plans tonight.¡± My stomach grumbled unhappily at that. ¡°You know Toby doesn¡¯t have shit. I¡¯ll pay you back, I just¡­ I¡¯m a little out of the idea of leaving the house.¡± More silence. I wasn¡¯t exactly different from our roommate, Toby, when it came to money. Chandler had always been the breadwinner of us three. Rich parents, but never pampered, always hardworking. With Toby and I agreeably below average when it came to not only money, but work ethic, Chandler had more than taken us under his wing as we grew up. ¡°Nobody is going to recognize you, just wear a hoodie. I¡¯m not your mother, Cody.¡± I considered telling him that my reasoning for isolation was currently focused on my injury, but explaining how that injury occurred seemed more emotional trouble than tricking him into thinking I wasn''t paranoid. I desperately tried to lighten the conversation up. I needed a friend right now. ¡°What uhh¡­ what kind of plans you got? Hot date?¡± ¡°Wouldn¡¯t you like to know¡± ¡°Hm, I actually asked because I don¡¯t want to know at all¡­ is he hot?¡± ¡°Heh, hotter than you two¡±. A brief moment of salvation shined on me as that laugh came through the phone, but I could almost audibly hear his small smile fade. ¡°Cody, listen. I¡¯m probably not coming home tonight. I have no idea what Toby is doing, but if you want food, your options are him or nothing... You know, unless you¡¯re gonna stop convincing yourself that you need to stay locked in that room for the rest of your life. There¡¯s a reason you¡¯re here and not the alternative." I wasn¡¯t sure what to say to that, and just when I thought I couldn¡¯t be more lost, he did something he had never done in the thirteen years of our friendship. Chandler hung up on me. No goodbye, just the dial tone. - Not only did I know Toby would not have money, I couldn¡¯t risk hearing him just as unenthusiastic. Hearing someone as bright and jovial as Toby consistently seemed to be with a disdain like that? I knew I wouldn¡¯t be able to handle it. So, I was on my own. I walked back into my room. I felt the need to cry, but I have a condition. I can cry unexpectedly to a movie, tear up to a good song. Blunt emotion seems to have a way of leaving me just far enough away that I''m never able to relieve myself by weeping. I looked at the mess against the far wall. Old CD¡¯s, dusty Rolling Stone''s, random documents, bank statements I was too lazy to find a proper place for, all strew in a mess on the floor, my now shattered lamp lying on top of the heap. That seemed especially excessive. How did it even shatter? In the heap of contents, and what remained of the table, I spotted my key ring. I thought for a second about what Chandler had said, and considered the appeal of trapping myself in this room. I was scared, horrified maybe, and didn¡¯t really know why. The complacent paradise of never seeing the outside world again was more than tempting, but I knew it wasn¡¯t feasible. I grabbed my keys from the mess. It wasn¡¯t much, but I felt the very real possibility of never being able to leave again if I didn¡¯t leave right now. A familiar ultimatum. Stepping outside genuinely felt like a very mature decision on my part. It almost made me happy. - - Just because a decision seems to be the mature one, doesn¡¯t mean it¡¯s the right one. That was a concept my small immature brain was nowhere near ready to wrap itself around. I didn¡¯t have a good resume of experience with mature decisions, but eating a far too expensive cheeseburger in an abandoned parking lot didn¡¯t feel as emotionally rewarding as I thought it would. It was 5:44 PM, despite my cars clock claiming it to be 7:23 AM. What remained of the sunlight was starting to burn an orange tint that flooded my interior. I basked in its warmth, not so ready to return home as myself. Toby would be home by now. The shame that had made me avoid a phone call would surely be there in person. ¡°Christ.¡± I couldn¡¯t go there but, well, it was home. I didn¡¯t have anywhere else to go. My parents? Even if I made the drive of peregrination that I wasn¡¯t sure I could afford, I¡¯m not convinced the story would be different. A hotel? Yeah, because I¡¯m sure that¡¯s less expensive. Stay here? Sleep in my car? Is that how far I¡¯m willing to go to avoid that confrontation? Truthfully, no. The feeling of sleeping in a back seat would surely not help my mental state. Thinking of my bed led my mind to picture the mess beside it. I slammed the wheel with my fist. Toby definitely would¡¯ve seen it. I hadn¡¯t even thought about what my already skeptical friends would think seeing a scene like that. Maybe sleeping in my car wasn¡¯t so bad. I sat there hopelessly, but realized that sitting here hopelessly isn¡¯t helping. I can¡¯t be scared of going home. I could wait for them to go to sleep, but I¡¯m not sure that coming home at 5:00 AM would be any less suspicious. I couldn¡¯t run away from this. I needed to fix it. How? How do I fix something as broken as this? - The next thought was not my own, looking back, I know that. That... thing had put it there. The logic didn¡¯t make much sense, but I was lost and scared, so I accepted it as if it was the only original thought I¡¯d ever had in my life. - ¡°I need a bedside table¡±. I guess it wasn¡¯t too far fetched. Maybe if I came home with a replacement immediately, my roommates would believe that the wood simply had just given out. Chandler will be smarter, but Toby won''t. If I play it off well enough to Toby, maybe he''ll never even think to mention it around Chandler. If anything, it would save me from them thinking I¡¯ve gone completely insane. That was enough to make me shoot my key back into the ignition. - I had never been there before, not by myself. I have faint memories of my brothers and I being dragged there by our mother once or twice. I never really got the Internet trope. I never found it very realistic, and that was coming from someone who had only ever been there as a delusional child. As a delusional adult, I wasn¡¯t the kind of guy who felt themselves intelligent enough to spoil a joke, to point out its holes, but that one always felt weird to me for some reason. The children getting lost like the aisles were dark woods. If anything, there was always something that made me a little, what¡¯s the best word, uneasy? I was into a lot dark stuff. I wasn¡¯t somebody who browsed Bestgore or anything like that, but spending enough time on the Internet brandishes that side of the world to you whether you like it or not. I just enjoyed the supernatural, the obscure. I certainly wasn¡¯t sheltered, or innocent. I was confident enough to say that I was not easily fazed. When I hear a disturbing story on the Internet, it''s always just that. A story on the Internet. Never a warning. So a dumb joke with a somewhat sinister undertone shouldn''t affect me. However, I always felt like there was something there that I just wasn¡¯t ¡°getting¡±. It perplexed me. I never looked too far into it, yet I desperately wanted to understand the punchline of the joke. After all, it was just a joke. A joke on the Internet. - I pull into the parking lot. Well, one of them. The view out the window almost made me put the car immediately into reverse. It was a lot of people, a lot more than I thought there would be. It was technically the holiday season. November 13th; basically Christmas Eve. I was thinking for a second that it would be best to be honest with my friends. They would understand. I¡¯m going through a hard time. I did something dumb, again, but they¡¯ve always been there for me before. It might take them some time, but that was more than fair. Eventually, they would be there for me. Extremely regrettably, I wasn¡¯t so easily convinced by that sentiment. The song on my radio is skipping weirdly. Pearl Jam sucks anyway, turn that shit off. I closed the car door. As the lock horn beeped behind me, a wave of melancholy seemed to breathe down my neck. Something felt very final about the motion in which my body just moved. I can¡¯t describe it but, in some way, it felt like my life had transparently flashed before my eyes. I paused for a moment and looked around nervously. The feeling of finality probably came from my unconscious knowledge that it was my last chance to see the warning signs around me. I should''ve known that the decision had been made a long time ago. I didn¡¯t exactly have a choice in the matter. But my conscious self didn¡¯t hear that small debate. He simply walked into the gaping front entrance and stepped onto the escalator. It slowly brought me into the fold, bodies piling on behind me, putting a crowd between me and, what I would later find to be, my last meeting with freedom. - If you¡¯re paranoid that they recognize you now, just wait. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª PART TWO ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°All rise the jury.¡± Let it go? Are you fucking kidding?! ¡°I¡¯m calling a recess. You will not come back with that same unbridled-I¡¯m not tolerating it-we could set another date to return and you WILL be kept in custody until then. Do you want that?¡­. Mr. Camargo?¡­ Mr. Camargo I¡¯m stepping off the bench¡­ Mr. Camargo I need your verbal confirmation¡­ Mr. Camargo!¡± It was weird for sure. Isles and checkouts and food courts. It could, in theory, just be a giant mall. However, the whole place felt very uncanny. Uncanny isn¡¯t a good word, eerie is better. Intentional for sure, but I¡¯m not sure the eerie feeling was the intentional bit. Everywhere you went was almost like walking by a window into somebody¡¯s living room, bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, etc. It was to a point where it almost seemed as if I was in a security room, watching surveillance of hundreds of houses all around the world. Actually, the scene of scolding parents chasing down children made it slightly more realistic, yet maybe not so unnerving. The bouncing on beds and crawling on countertops part was pretty funny. It was just a typical stressful crowd beyond the setting. One that I was just as indifferent to as all the others. Once you¡¯ve seen one influx of random strangers, you truly have seen them all. Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there. I like being alone by choice. I don¡¯t think I have agoraphobia, it¡¯s just easier. Less people means less thought to go into what you¡¯re acting like around them. Chandler and Toby were always good friends in a way that respected that. I payed my share of the rent and utilities like the other two, mostly Chandler, did as well, but I never strayed from my room very much. When I did, the two were welcoming to any small amount of conversation I felt was needed to recharge me from a self induced depressive state. We would laugh the entire night. Sure, almost always was it under heavy intoxication, but we didn¡¯t need it to know that we all prided ourselves on our ability to not think about anyone or anything else in the world together. They were the perfect friends. I never felt the need to hide anything from them, so I don¡¯t exactly blame them. In fact, I don¡¯t blame them at all. I had sort of broken an unspoken trust pact between the three of us. Well, sort of is definitely sugarcoating. I had absolutely shattered it for months on end. Still, no matter how deserved it was, the idea that I might never have that safe space again was painful. The idea that I might have exiled myself from that one in a trillion emotional safe haven that they were to me. They were like family. Were. - What the hell is wrong with me? I need to stop thinking or I¡¯m going to go insane. I just walked for ten minutes without looking for a bedside table. I was like a slightly below middle aged kid in a candy store. Just honestly enjoying the views kept my simple mind occupied pretty easily. The displays were incredibly homey, no matter what strange meshing context surrounded them, Everything was comforting to stare at. The crowds were slightly annoying, but not enough to take me out of what was honestly a pretty relaxing setting. I probably walked past about fifty bedside tables that looked way nicer and fit my room better than my previous one, but I was just out for a stroll. About what felt like half an hour in, I stumbled onto the cafe. I had already eaten some gourmet Five Guys, and I barely had any comfort money, but sill, I felt compelled to get the full experience. I¡¯d say American consumerism at its finest if I felt even relatively close to an American establishment at the moment. - I treated myself to some chicken tenders and a can of sprite, as I occupied a two top next to the beautiful vista of parking lot. I pulled out my phone and cycled through nothing, trying to pretend I was extremely consumed by whatever I was browsing. In reality, I was mostly just stalking every group that filtered in and out of the tables around me. It was a lot more of a diverse mix than I thought it would be. Not in a cultural sense, more so because I thought of the criteria of IKEA customers to be young couples that were obtaining furniture for the new apartment that they had just taken the leap to sharing, both not accepting much from their parents. There was definitely a good amount of those, but really there was no restriction to who showed up. Somewhat large groups of teens were one of the largest demographic fillers, I guessed all getting a big house to share as they all were soon to be living off-campus. I would think that groups like those would certainly be shooting for pre-furnished spaces, as going through this kind of venture seemed an almost fantastically undesirable burden on their already negative bank account balances. Lots of middle aged couples with particle-accelerator children, usually two to three per couple, as mentioned before. Moving house I guess? Maybe just looking for the fun of it. When you¡¯re neck-deep in the 9-5 infinitum of family life, I¡¯m sure the idea of a different coffee table than the one your overworked husband has been resting his work boots on for the past two decades is almost orgasmically exciting. One I was definitely surprised by was the sheer amount of older couples I saw. Not to profile, but couples that looked like they both still slept in beds that had been crafted by the at-the-time family man of their lineage about 139 years ago. There¡¯s always time for change I guess, and no two groups were the same as I continued to watch. Well, that¡¯s not technically true. The one uninterrupted constant, is that I failed to find a single person that appeared to be there alone. Cody, thinking. Right, sorry. I put down my phone, and people-watched out the wall of windows instead. Watching families with giant bellhop-like carts tetrising items into their trunks. I mostly just ended up watching the swaying dead-tree-line that separated the far end of the parking lot and the highway opposite. I rested my cheek on my palm. IKEA didn¡¯t close until 9:00 PM, so I had plenty of time to wallow in a lot more of a spacious environment then I would soon be returning to. I let it decontaminate my mind for a couple minutes, and it worked a lot better than I had thought it would. I hated this time of year. When the trees were dead, everything else in the world looked that way. I jumped as a knock sounded on the table. I reeled around to see a man in a chef''s uniform smiling down at me, as he placed his knocking arm back behind himself with the other. ¡°How is everything for you, sir?¡± I struggled even to stammer in response. I looked down at the plate of 3.75 chicken strips that I forgot I even had in front of me, then back up to him. ¡°F-.. fine, thank you.¡± ¡°Very good, enjoy!¡± He nodded to me affirmatively, and turned to continue to the table behind me. Was that¡­ for real? I mean, there was obviously a kitchen in this place, but I didn¡¯t know a fucking executive chef came out to warm tables in an IKEA cafe. Hell, there are goddamn bougie Italian hack spots that don¡¯t bother themselves with that shit. I guiltily shoveled the bitten chicken tender in my mouth as I began to get up from the table. I looked back outside the window. The sky was basically black, not only with clouds, but the already dwindling sunlight. A storm was coming tonight. It wasn¡¯t cold enough for snow today, so it would surely be a heavy thunderstorm, my favorite weather. With giddiness for its approach, I walked with my unfinished meal over to the tray rack. I housed one more chicken finger quickly, downed my sprite, and empty-belched politely into my arm. As I began to walk again, I realized that even the small addition of food in my stomach had begun to make me somewhat tired. Maybe I had already been tired and sitting down for an extended period of time had really just brought it out of me. I didn¡¯t really want to stay here until 9:00 PM, or even 8:00 PM, but I didn¡¯t walk with any quickened pace. If anything, I started back off slower and more laxed than before. So eventually, I lost myself again. However, I failed to snap myself out of it this time. - Somehow I walked into a forest of fog. It came with a storm above. Lightning. Thundering. Those words raining down on me like hail the size of bodies. I¡¯m so cold and yet so stifled. My stiff body is begging for circulation. My thighs are sweating and my heart-rate is exponentially inconsolable. Without ever stopping to sit down, I find myself in a chair surrounded by a black endless plain. I feel a crawling over every inch of my paradoxically nude skin. Little tiny tickling needles climbing over my arms and legs, scattered up my back, yet none of my body is truly exposed besides my head. That¡¯s where the real feast is. Millions of tiny pinpricks in the back of my head. So many hairs rearranged to make room for the tiny blades piercing into my skull. I know I¡¯m not moving, but it feels like I am. It feels like I¡¯m sinking, it feels like I¡¯m being ripped this way and that by a tornado, but I can¡¯t move. I¡¯m screaming, I swear I¡¯m screaming at the top of my lungs, but I don¡¯t think it¡¯s loud enough. I can¡¯t even hear my own voice. Someone else¡¯s voice is speaking so softly, and yet so confidently, that it drowns mine out as if it¡¯s nothing. I want to stand up and run, but something is telling me that it¡¯d be illogical to think I could get away. So I let them feast, as I suffocate inside of my skin. So many tiny needles, dancing down my spine. - - - - ¡°SIR!¡± I feel my shoulder being shook like a rag doll as I snap back to attention. ¡°Sir? Are you alright?¡± I looked around. Was I screaming? I had sort of lost myself for a minute there. Had it been a minute? How long was I out for? ¡°Do you need me to call someone?¡± Everybody seems to be looking at me, or at least slowly staring me down as they pass, caring not how obvious it is that they¡¯re judging me. I feel my fist curling. ¡°SIR!¡± I spin back around to the hand on my shoulder. ¡°WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!¡± The recoiled face that meets me is wearing a yellow striped shirt. She¡¯s an employee, the four blue letters across the name tag on her top. I want to scream even louder when I see the disgusted face she makes at me. Fucking bitch. ¡°Sir, I¡¯m trying to see if you¡¯re okay, you were mumbling and shaking in place. I thought maybe you were having a seizu-¡° ¡°I¡¯M FINE GODDAMMIT! DON¡¯T FUCKING TOUCH ME!¡± I shouldn¡¯t have been screaming. Not at a woman. Not at all, but especially not at a woman. Not a good time. The paranoia returned. What if somebody recognized me? That couldn¡¯t be anything but bad. I stormed off, practically running. ¡°SIR!¡± The woman yelled after me. I¡¯m not sure how rigid IKEA¡¯s security is, but I wouldn¡¯t like to find out. If I just ran, would she forget about it? The place is huge, who cares about one guy yelling? I told her I was fine. I ducked around a corner into a bedroom display, and caught my breath for a couple seconds as to not be breathing heavy. I immediately walked back out, trying to transition smoothly into the isle when no one from behind me was looking anymore, and went back to looking around like nothing had happened. I was infuriated, and probably overthinking, but I felt like I needed to leave. I decided that I very much didn¡¯t care as much as I had a couple hours ago. Whatever the first beside table I found was, that would have to do. I needed to go home and stay home for as long as I could. I didn¡¯t care about being mature, I didn¡¯t care about what my roommates thought about it, I needed space. I tried to walk and relax again while I looked. I had to stay constantly focused on not losing myself in that simple activity. To keep myself occupied, I tried to hum some songs that I hadn¡¯t listened to in a long time. Ones I had at one point, known every word and note to, but now could barely remember how the melody started. While this didn¡¯t help me forget about the past couple days, that was no longer my main concern. I had realized the hard way that my bigger concern was literally just not turning into a public lunatic. Such complete and utter bullshit. But, there I was, about thirty minutes into humming the entirety (sort of) of Pisces Iscariot, not currently very fond of myself, when I supposedly made the decision. - ¡°HEMNES" - It was fine I guess. It was a sleek golden beige, two shelved, top and middle. I didn¡¯t know how appealing a noticeably reflective golden beige was, but it was certainly better than black covered by a shitty paint job of white that didn¡¯t do very well hiding the previous color. It would clash, but I didn¡¯t think anyone would be seeing my bedroom anytime soon to critique it. It was, without a doubt, a bedside table. ¡°Holy shit, that is so fucking ugly.¡± I¡¯d never been very sensible when it came to home decorating, but I knew when a piece of furniture looked absolutely hideous. Hideous to a point that it would never conventionally fit into any suburban home. It seemed more appropriate to hold some eighty year old southern woman¡¯s beanie babies than my collection of hard copy pornography. I looked at the tag behind the display. Thirty-seven odd dollars for the worst piece of craftsmanship I¡¯d ever seen in my life. That was a pretty good deal. Although, it certainly would not leave me with enough money to properly replace the lamp that was guilty by association. Lowe¡¯s tomorrow it is. The box across the aisle was fairly heavy, but thin enough that I could hold it under my right arm not too awkwardly. Of course I didn¡¯t have any kind of basket or cart, because that would have meant me being smart and grabbing one. I wasn¡¯t about to go back and ask that woman for one. I didn¡¯t exactly know where I was supposed to check out, so I was fine with just walking and hoping that I found it. It wasn¡¯t heavy enough for me to need to be there immediately or anytime soon. That gave me a promise of some more time to relax and clear my head in this therapeutically fascinating store. I think I needed it, so it would be nice to take my time. - - - My arm was getting tired around the time I realized that I was starting to get the joke. Where the hell was the checkout in this place? It felt like I had been here for hours since I walked in, so surely I had to of traveled at least halfway through, if not more. Shouldn¡¯t there only be one checkout? It was actually connected to the room I had started in if I remember correctly, should I just start backtracking? No, even though I seemed to be in a part of the store with, bizarrely, no other customers, I was still anxious of doing the uncomfortable turn-around in public, and certainly could not risk another encounter with the section of the store I had lost my shit in. Walking forward was fine, I had to get there eventually, or at least to someone I could ask about it. - - - I¡¯ve switched arms. I didn¡¯t exactly get an aerial view of the store before going in, but this seems a little unnecessary. Aren¡¯t you technically a chain? Why does a furniture store need to be this massive? It¡¯s not as if there¡¯s no other place in the world to buy furniture. Was this dumb? Maybe I should¡¯ve just gone to Walmart. It probably was less expensive. Can you buy a bedside table at Walmart? If you can, I¡¯m sure it can¡¯t be as ugly as this thing. Is this the universe''s way of telling me to get a different one? Well, I¡¯ll be the first one to say it. The universe can quite frankly choke it to the root at the moment. I¡¯m taking my backwards country bedside table and going home. And I swear to God, I will never leave that fucking room again. - - - I¡¯ve realized my comment to the universe earlier was a little bit harsh. I¡¯d like to formally apologize. First of all, I¡¯m not trying to say anything too demeaning of my manhood, but I¡¯m pretty sure that nobody would have to choke in order to reach the root of it. I also would like to recognize my somewhat unnecessary action taken against the IKEA worker that was just trying to do her job, she didn¡¯t deserve that reaction. I also would like to say that this establishment is truly lovely, in every sense of the word. All the way down to this beautiful and divine piece of Swedish craftsmanship that I am so honored and privileged to be holding in my hands. What an absolute haven of furnishings, fixtures, and other paraphernalia. It is a truly wondrous place, but I would very much like to leave it. Is that okay? Do you forgive me? - No? - I¡¯m beginning to feel that it¡¯s very much appropriate to say that I am lost. Lost isn¡¯t a good word, stranded is better. I haven¡¯t seen anyone in about an hour and a half, and I haven¡¯t stopped walking in any of that time. That¡¯s like, a super bad sign, right? That¡¯s like, not good. I¡¯m racking my brain right now. Did I take another escalator, or just another pair of stairs? An elevator? A fucking fireman¡¯s sliding pole-Jesus Christ dude I really don¡¯t know. I was in my head for what could have been a good amount of the time, maybe I literally just didn¡¯t notice, ya know? I mean, I feel like I might have somehow ended up in the basement of this place. But even if I did, an hour and a goddamn half?! I¡¯m sure this place is big, but I¡¯m a lot more certain that it¡¯s not THAT fucking big. Not big enough for there to be such a gradual decline in the floor that I wouldn¡¯t notice I¡¯ve been walking downwards the entire time I was here either. And for the ever fucking holy love of God, I am so tired of carrying this stupid. Fucking. Table. I¡¯ll admit it, times have been tough, I haven¡¯t worked out in about a month, and I wasn¡¯t Roman Reigns to begin with. This thing is really heavy. I started carrying it with both arms and it¡¯s still kicking my ass. Also, I kind of just realized it, but I feel weird. I feel tired. Not like exhaustion tired, even though I¡¯m definitely exhausted. Just, woozy. I feel dizzy, lightheaded, almost drunk. Drunk isn¡¯t a good word, wasted is- - - - Well, I just sobered right the fuck up. - The lights all went out just now. Completely out, all at the same time. There wasn¡¯t even some massive ¡°clunk¡± you usually hear from those giant flood lights cutting off or on, ya know? One second they were on, and the next, they just weren¡¯t. Had the power gone out? Maybe it was the storm, but I hadn¡¯t heard any thunder or anything, and certainly not that muffled sound of rain on the roof you¡¯ll usually get. Maybe I really was in some sort of lower level then, but does a place this big not have a backup generator or something? That¡¯s not even to mention those¡­ I don¡¯t even know what the fuck they are. You know, the little red lights over exits and fire alarms and stuff that usually stay on when the lights go out? There¡¯s nothing. It¡¯s so unbelievably dark that I don¡¯t even know how to properly convey with words how much of an absolute absence of any source of light there is right now. Okay, okay, well maybe they¡¯re closed? No no no, not a chance. It hadn¡¯t gotten that late, there was no way I¡¯ve been here that long just walking. Also, wouldn¡¯t they warn you on the PA or something? Finish your shopping and head to the exit kind of thing? Even if they did, do they IMMEDIATELY shut off every fucking light in the store the second it hits 9:00 PM? Surely there¡¯s stragglers in a place as big as this, and surely there¡¯s gotta be employee work that spans at least an hour past closing, right? A place of business is never truly closed the second that its hours of operation stop, so what the hell is going on here? - - - I¡¯m petrified, I haven¡¯t moved for like five whole minutes. It¡¯s pitch fucking black. I can¡¯t see a thing, I mean a literal thing. I don¡¯t know what to do. I don¡¯t even want to reach for my phone. I could use the flashlight but¡­.. I¡¯m paralyzed with fear. I don¡¯t know if I even want to see what¡¯s in front of me. - - - - It has taken an additional four minutes and eleven seconds according to ¡°Everything In Its Right Place¡± playing in my head. I¡¯ve reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. I can see now, but honestly, there¡¯s something about a dark space lit only by a flashlight that feels more sinister than pitch black nothingness. I mean, I see that every time I close my eyes. Something I don¡¯t see so often, are infinite isles of the most freakishly bizzaro place on earth just barely illuminated in a small scope of torchlight. Have you heard of the term ¡°liminal space¡±? Jesus, that¡¯s such a dumb question, of course you have. Maybe it¡¯s been somewhat normalized from how popular it¡¯s gotten on the internet recently, but let me tell you, it is not a fucking cool place to be. Current consensus? This would be the worst if I wasn¡¯t already taking the winner''s spot of being the absolute worst. My phone says that it¡¯s 9:24 PM. Was that true?! That means the lights had gone out at around, I don¡¯t know, 9:15 maybe? That still seemed so early for a closing time of 9:00 PM. I had gotten here around 6, 6:30 at the latest, but I know I got here before 6:30. Had I been here for almost three hours? That didn¡¯t feel right. Nothing felt right at the moment. Cheers to that. Everything feels wrong. So indescribably wrong. What the hell do I even do? Do I just keep walking? I¡¯m realizing that if they just had a mass power outage that the PA wouldn¡¯t work for them to tell me what¡¯s going on, let alone tell me that the store was closing. Man, somebody telling me what¡¯s going on would be priceless at the moment. I would put myself through the Berserk eclipse for that kind of piece of mind right about now. - - - I mean, am I kidding myself? Do I already know? - - - No, come on, that¡¯s just not possible. I¡¯m not a cynic. The universe finds a way, ghosts are probably real, aliens undoubtedly are, blah blah etcetera blah, but that¡¯s not possible. I¡¯m going to give the universe a little bit of tether here. I¡¯m in a furniture store, that¡¯s it. I¡¯m not buying into this Eden Prison joke. I will politely refuse to believe that I¡¯m in some kind of, I don¡¯t even know, infinite tesseract that is comedically disguised as a mother fucking IKEA. No. Sorry if that spoils the joke, but I¡¯m gonna be honest. I am not anywhere close to being in the mood for even thinking about laughing right now. This one is going to have to be lost on me. You get that one? Probably not, I¡¯m most likely a lot funnier than whoever came up with this routine. - Okay, I¡¯m getting a little aggressive. I¡¯m going to lay my cards on the table, I¡¯m really fucking scared, and I have to pee. Surely there¡¯s gotta be a bathroom somewhere here, but where?! I don¡¯t think I can wait for it. If the lights and PA don¡¯t work, would that happen to mean that the security cameras don¡¯t either? - - More importantly, if I do this, I¡¯m crossing a line that states that I am very much in a catastrophic situation. I don¡¯t want to admit that to my brain but¡­ - - - Update, I have just pissed in an unirrigated display toilet. Not exactly a bucket list item. - - Does IKEA even have a PA system to talk to me if the power was on? I hadn¡¯t even heard any music playing when I was walking around normally. Does it just.. not exist? - - Okay, my head is practically spinning. That¡¯s currently a pretty girly cocktail mix of fatigue and overwhelming dread. Bottom line, I think I should stop walking. I don¡¯t even know where I¡¯m going. For all I know, I literally might have started walking backwards when the lights went out, and my phone battery isn¡¯t going to last forever with this flashlight on to-.. - My phone. What if, hypothetically, I was some scared old woman? I probably would¡¯ve done it as soon as I got lost. They wouldn¡¯t blame me for that, right? They might roll their eyes and laugh about it to each other after getting off work, making fun of me as ¡°that one time where the guy got lost in an IKEA and called us¡±, but believe it or not, I could live with that. This is ridiculous, I don¡¯t even care if it warrants the call. I want to go home. - I dial 911 into my phone. - - - - - - - I really want to cry. No service. - - - - - - - - I crumpled onto the ground what was definitely a long time ago. I look at my phone. 11:04 PM. I¡¯m not even surprised. Consider my perception of time destroyed. I¡¯ve moved past fear. I¡¯ve slipped into a warm pool of detachment. Detachment isn¡¯t a good word, dissociation is better. - - New objective: Find a bed. I don¡¯t know. I don¡¯t know what¡¯s going on but¡­ it can¡¯t take me if I just relax. I need to relax. Even if I hadn¡¯t reached that realization, there is something wrong with my body. I need to stop moving. I¡¯m in an IKEA, I could probably find the most comfortable bed I¡¯ve ever laid on in my life. Maybe if my vision wasn¡¯t blurring. I would settle for a couch at the moment. I just want nothing more than to lie down right now. - I found a bed. I can¡¯t tell how comfortable it really is, but it feels better than sex right now. I mean, probably. Maybe when I wake up, it will be from an employee shaking my shoulder again to kick me out of the building. That¡¯s a nice thought to fall asleep to. Yeah, I like the sound of that. Everything will be fine when I wake up. - - - - - - - - - - - - - Never once have I been so unhappy to get a good night''s sleep. Yet, here I am. Naturally awake, uninterrupted. Rise and shine. - (Part three coming soon) Part Three ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª PART THREE ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Mr. Camargo! Do you understand?¡± ¡°No, I don¡¯t. I want to leave.¡± ¡°Lucky for you, and me, that¡¯s the point of a recess. Come back without the dramatics. I don¡¯t want to hear an obscenity exit out of your mouth again.¡± ¡°No, if I fucking leave, I¡¯m not fucking coming back, I¡¯m not taking a fucking recess-I¡¯m leaving, you can call a recess, I¡¯m not calling it a recess-¡° ¡°-You can call it whatever adorable misrepresentation of your circumstance you want Mr. Camargo, but frankly, the fact that you have the nerve to sit before the victim''s family with that kind of irreverence, absolutely disgusts me-¡° ¡°-Well then I shouldn¡¯t be sitting here-¡° ¡°-Mr. Camargo does the word ¡®Contempt¡¯ mean anything to you¡­¡­¡­¡­ Mr. Camargo-¡° ¡°-Goddammit-STOP!¡± She rubbed her forehead. ¡°I want him gone, but he¡¯s not done. Not even close. Get him back here in thirty minutes.-¡° ¡°-STOP TALKING STOP IT I CAN¡¯T¡­¡­. I can¡¯t-¡­¡­. I can¡¯t-¡­.. I can¡¯t breathe¡­. I¡­ I need an ambulance- ¡°-Mr. Camargo, please-¡° ¡°-Oh God, my head¡­¡­¡­¡± There was no ringing to warn me, but my ears were beginning to bleed. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It¡¯s like my skull is twisting. I can¡¯t see. Well, I can see again. The lights are back. My phone glows 10:27 AM as my eyes slowly peel open. So, what happened here? Is the store open again? There¡¯s nobody walking around, staring at me making myself comfortable in a bedroom display, but it¡¯s early. I think they open at 10:00 AM, maybe it¡¯s just sparse right now. That idea gave me a little bit of hope to get up and try walking again. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I walked for about two hours before letting it go. My resistance is more than dragging its feet. I¡¯m just about ready to accept my departure from denial. One giant red flag within my current environment should probably do the trick. You know, a red flag along the lines of looking up and seeing that there¡¯s no longer any ceiling above my head. Well, it¡¯s kind of there, just what looks like about thirty miles up into the stratosphere. It¡¯s like I¡¯m outside, but instead of blue, it¡¯s a skyline of sheltered popcorn beige, where light is just implied, and not really coming from the ceiling itself. Am I describing it well? It¡¯s like an IKEA, yeah. Except, completely encapsulating. Encapsulating isn¡¯t a good word, infinite is¡­¡­ Well sadly, infinite is perfect. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª New objective: Cope with the irrepressible loss of my sanity. Well, I think I¡¯m actually okay, so objective complete I guess? I¡¯m not scared like I was last night. I¡¯m not even shaking anymore. It¡¯s become blaringly obvious that something is unbelievably wrong, and I should be panicking but¡­.. I don¡¯t know¡­ I¡¯m just not. I¡¯m certainly not happy, but I suppose it is what it currently is, and what it currently is has just made itself known. Grrrrrrr. Once again, I¡¯m starving. No food. At least that part is just like home. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª So, you¡¯re technically caught up. Truthfully, I¡¯m not exactly sure how long it¡¯s been since I¡¯d realized I was no longer, um, here, I guess. In a different here. I¡¯ve stopped looking at my phone, even to check the time. I want to conserve the battery if the lights go out again. I¡¯m absolutely sure they will. Anyway, as harrowing as it was to come to this, I figured it was a good idea to start keeping track, so let¡¯s pretend I just got here. I found a little notepad and pen on a desk along the way. I don¡¯t know, I guess it¡¯s a coping mechanism, but it¡¯s kind of fun to think about leaving a manuscript regarding my misadventures. Is that stupid? I¡¯m not having fun, but I don¡¯t know, I¡¯m here. Why not? What else am I going to do? It¡¯s been awhile since I¡¯ve written like this and, as I¡¯m sure you may have gathered, I¡¯m not exactly the reincarnation of Mark Twain. Yeah yeah, suspend your disbelief. Regardless of my current ability, I think it would be nice to try, so let¡¯s test this thing out. Ahem¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª And yes, I just wrote the word ¡°ahem¡±. That¡¯s like your warning sign to bail out now if you want. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Cody Camargo: One day in. New objective: Find some food, dammit. It¡¯s still¡­ kind of an IKEA. What are my chances of finding a restaurant? I¡¯m being a little hopeful, but I think the chances are pretty good. Hopefully that¡¯s not copium. So, I¡¯m currently back to walking. My spirit has actually brightened a fair deal with the concept of this journal. It¡¯s pretty exciting to document my journey of suffering. However, it¡¯s obvious that there isn¡¯t exactly a whole lot to document. I¡¯m walking, I¡¯m walking, still walking. Damn, that¡¯s a nice marble splash. Back to walking. Walking, walking. OH WOW, WHAT A NICE BEDSIDE TABLE! Back to walking. I had woken up in the same bed, but the bedside table box was gone. Not that I¡¯m complaining about not having to carry that nightmare anymore, I just swore I had put it next to the bed before collapsing. Then again, I honestly don¡¯t remember. I was practically a dead man walking. Anyway, I¡¯m back to a live man walking now. Just, a lot of walking. I¡¯ll update you with anything that deviates from that routine. I mean, besides from the nice furniture. Unless you want to be updated on that? Okay, the journal isn¡¯t THAT fun. If you¡¯re interested in the furniture you can go to a fucking IKEA on your own time. Not that I would personally recommend it at the moment. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Holy guac, dude. Sal-goddamn-vation. IKEA Restaurant & Cafe. I¡¯m gonna be honest, I thought I was just gonna try and pretend I wasn¡¯t starving to death for as long as I could before starving to death. Is this place really stocked though? There¡¯s no way, who would be keeping it up? There¡¯s nobody here, same as everywhere else in- Wow, well nevermind. I can smell it. That is a heavenly smell¡­.. I guess. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª This is so weird. I¡¯m just casually perusing the menu options of what to eat inside of the captivity of my infinite 8-jail-cell. (How do I cosmically pat myself on the back for that sentence? I fist-pumped after writing it. Maybe I¡¯m having the tiniest bit of fun.) I¡¯m gonna be honest, half of these Swedish words mean nothing to me. Well, all of these Swedish words mean nothing to me, but some of the English ones also mean nothing to me. I¡¯m not exactly a connoisseur, and there¡¯s some weird shit on this menu. I had really expected IKEA to be a culturally appropriated bait at Swedish culture but, Jesus. Sj?rapport? I think it¡¯s salmon? The picture looks like salmon. I like salmon! It doesn¡¯t look like they have chicken fingers here. Maybe they discontinued them after an offended chef reported seeing a man only take one bite of the four that he ordered. The kids menu is just smaller portions of whatever is on the menu. I¡¯m not feeling extremely picky. I grab a plate and a tray. I began to walk towards the queue before hesitating at my stupidity. There wasn¡¯t exactly anyone on the line to serve me. I looked around as if someone was going to yell at me for walking behind the counter, then began removing the covers and helping myself. A lot of it doesn¡¯t look very appetizing, despite how hungry I am. I found the Sj?rawhateverthehell, meatballs, and what looks like some pita bread. Oh holy fire, French fries? SCRAMBLED EGGS?! Finally, mercy. I found a piece of chocolate cake, and sat down happily at a table with a fork and knife, ready to be more adventurous than my previous outing. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Um, it wasn¡¯t the best. I¡¯m not trying to insult any IKEA¡¯n cuisine (I-Kee-en? Surely it would be weird if it was I-Keeya-en.), but I almost feel like the food absorbed and eradicated the piles of salt and pepper that I showered onto them. It was impossibly bland. The salmon was pretty good. The meatballs would¡¯ve been, although they were soaked in a sauce that almost rivaled my hunger with the option of throwing up. I tried to shake all of it off before taking each bite. It soaked into the French fries and eggs. I¡¯ve never once complained to someone in the service industry, but if that chef came up to me again, I would¡­¡­ probably still say it was delicious in fear of confrontation, but I wouldn¡¯t be happy about it. However, realizing that I was currently the sole customer of this establishment, I decided to give up on this meal and get up to get another one. I filled up a plate with nothing but green beans and peas. They were dry and unseasoned, even after putting an entire shaker of S & P over the plate. The taste was passable though, and not immediately poisonous. I hadn¡¯t thought about that paranoid possibility until after I had already eaten an uncomfortable amount. Welp, when in shit creek¡­ I ate my piece of almost raw cake and downed three entire bottles of water out of the soda fridge. I felt good¡­. well, I felt a lot better anyway. A new hope of everything truly being okay shined upon me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Well, what exactly do I do now? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª New objective: Figure out what to do now. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I went and got a somewhat large pillow case and removed the pillow. I returned to the cafe and emptied the contents of the drink fridge into it. I slung it over my shoulder and went back to my favorite activity. I didn¡¯t know what I was looking for, obviously, besides an end to this fucking store, but I had some newly bestowed energy, and nothing else to do. So, back to walking. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Okay, pretty cool development. Ya know, cool for someone who¡¯s reality is collapsing. I caved and checked my phone for a second, and it made me think. The lights are on, that food was hot, and the drinks were cold. No matter what the hell is going on, there¡¯s some kind of electricity in this place. So yeah, maybe if I found a charger and an outlet I could charge my phone, but also¡­ I found a small clock. Like a small battery powered analog one that you would put on a mantle. Why you would ever buy this instead of a wall clock or alarm clock is beyond me, but that¡¯s besides the point. The revelation, is that these clocks are all synced. Every single one I¡¯ve passed by. Like not only are they synced with each other, they¡¯re synced with my phone. Might not sound like much, but that¡¯s a pretty trustworthy piece of comfort I feel I just gained. So I really don¡¯t have to look at my phone anymore. You know, unless I want to check if I have service. I don¡¯t have service. Anyway, I¡¯ve started carrying that small clock around. I feel like an adventurer. A super shitty adventure for a super shitty adventurer. Well, I guess you¡¯re along for the ride with me there. I¡¯ll keep in touch as anything happens but, as I said, really nothing is happening. That¡¯s just about as sad as it sounds. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Well, I just discovered that there very much is bathroom¡¯s in this place. With running water AND flushing toilets. I¡¯m not mad at myself for my decision earlier, since I absolutely would not have been able to hold it from then until now, but I do feel at least a little stupid. That feeling of stupidity is well over shadowed by this gift though. I didn¡¯t think I smelled too bad, and, obviously, no one is here to smell if I did, but I washed around my neck, armpits and chest for good measure. I took a for-the-road piss and continued on my way. I guess I could be okay for awhile. Just until help arrives. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Do I even wanna think about what I just said? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I just got very angry out of nowhere. Is this a joke? It has to be right? I¡¯ve let go of denial, I really have, but bottom line, someone or something has had to have done this to me. Trapped me here, wherever the fuck here is. I¡¯m not dumb, I realize that this is some shit attempt at karma. An eternal isolation in uncanny valley, until I find a good way to kill myself or go insane. Is that really what my ultimatum is? Or at least, what they want it to appear as? Well, I¡¯m not insane yet, and I don¡¯t feel like trying to see how easy suicide is right now, so I tested something out. ¡°YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?! YOU THINK I¡¯M GONNA GET ON MY KNEES AND BEG TO GO HOME?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?! YOU WANT TO SEE ME BEG?! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I¡¯LL STAY HERE UNTIL I¡¯M GERIATRIC! THIS ISN¡¯T GONNA BE SOMETHING YOU CAN SEND TO TOSH.O. I WILL MAKE THIS AS BORING FOR YOU AS I POSSIBLY CAN! YOU BETTER GET COMFORTABLE, ASSHOLES!¡± I didn¡¯t know who exactly I thought I was yelling to, just someone. Following that logic though, I¡¯m surprised I hadn¡¯t thought of screaming earlier. ¡°HELLO?! CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME?! ANYONE! I¡¯M TRAPPED HERE! HELLO?!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Complete and utter silence. Welp, back to walking. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Gotta piss again. I¡¯m getting kind of unlucky with my furniture layout RNG. I can¡¯t find a bathroom, yeah, but I can¡¯t even find a toilet like I could before. I¡¯m sure I could find one eventually, but I really, REALLY have to piss. I don¡¯t know if I can wait for how long that¡¯s possibly gonna take. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Eugh, if I am still somehow in a store, I¡¯m genuinely sorry to whoever has to clean this up. I didn¡¯t want to just do it on the floor and then have to clean it up with something, so I cut out the middle man. I just peed directly onto a bedspread large enough that it wouldn¡¯t leak out and end up on my shoes. I feel dirty. Just simply from that act of technical public indecency. Luckily I¡¯m stranded, because it certainly would not help my image. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Jesus, you know what I just thought of? I know I shouldn¡¯t really be bringing this up to you, but what if I have to¡­ shit¡­ soon? When¡¯s the last time I did that? I feel like it¡¯s been awhile. I can¡¯t do that without an actual toilet. No, without an actual BATHROOM. I¡¯ve been, Uh, shy with that all my life. I always needed a very safe and sterile environment, and I have never ONCE had to do it in any place that isn¡¯t a toilet. That is to say, if I can¡¯t find a real bathroom in that time, I don¡¯t know if I can even bring myself to do that in a toilet that doesn¡¯t have water. Yeah, it would smell horrible, but it¡¯s a concern of self respect more than anything. Jesus Christ, I need some self respect right now. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Drinking some water, pacing in small circles, coping with the loss of my most sacred creature comfort, and contemplating what piece of furniture is the second best option for taking a shit in after a toilet. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯m letting it be known right now. This is me giving up. I could hold it, I could deal with some constipation if I had to. I don¡¯t have to do this. If I do, it is a forward declaration that in some way shape or form, I¡¯m letting this situation win over me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Fuck it, maybe that¡¯s their last straw to cut the cameras? Or at least bring them out into my face to laugh at me. I SHOULD do it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Well, there is now a shit drawer in IKEA. Luckily, there¡¯s plenty of bed cloths to use as non-abrasive toilet paper. Unluckily, no one has come out to laugh at me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Wow, this sucks. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The lights just went out again. 9 PM on the dot. Pretty strict curfew. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I had to walk in the dark for a little to find a bed, but it was much easier when I wasn¡¯t as absolutely terrified, and blind with dizziness. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Alright, I guess this is life now. Wake up, walk, sleep. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯ll be honest. I don¡¯t know how long I can live like that. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Am I even alive right now? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Cody Camargo: Two days in. Up again bright and early. Well, up again, and it¡¯s bright. My clock says it¡¯s 12:42 PM. I guess some things never change. I had wallowed in my hopelessness for probably around five hours last night. If anything is good about this, it¡¯s gotten my mind off of my previous hopelessness. I didn¡¯t think about it at all in that giant open space of time. I¡¯d be proud of myself if I didn¡¯t know I was fucked. All I can do today is lay in bed. I don¡¯t feel very motivated anymore. I¡¯ve started thinking about both hop hopelessen hopelessnesses? Plural of hopelessness? Sorry for that word. I¡¯m sure it¡¯s spelled wrong if it even is a word. I¡¯m used to autocorrect. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Do I even want to get out of here? I felt like I had a responsibility to. I didn¡¯t want Chandler and Toby to think I¡¯d run away from home. I didn¡¯t want Chandler to think I was a coward. But¡­¡­ was I?¡­¡­ I had so many chances to just go back. Just tell them. Just tell him¡­. Just tell him how I felt, and instead, I treated them like they wouldn¡¯t understand. There¡¯s no question on whether I deserve my current position, but I just wonder what he¡¯s thinking right now. Cody ran away. Cody¡¯s such a child. Cody is always like this. Cody never takes responsibility. Honestly, this isn¡¯t even a fucking surprise. Crazy how fast you can disappear from yourself. I shot out of the bed. I sprinted towards a box set of a metal computer table and began tearing it open. I ripped out the heavy metal support beam, and began smashing it into every piece of furniture I could, destroying everything. Destroying isn¡¯t a good word, leveling is better. I breathe through my teeth as my rage brings the pole down again and again and again. The familiar crackle of wood, the shattering of glass, the crushing of plastic, the crumpling of porcelain. My arms burn as I enter minute ten of plunging my anger into anything big enough to justify it. Finally, I turn around to the bedside table beside my last night¡¯s resting place. My vision goes blood red as I stand over it and proceed to lose myself in the cloudy metronome of its destruction. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Panting. I don¡¯t feel relieved. I feel like I¡¯ve reached a new low¡­¡­. a feeling approaches that I haven¡¯t felt in a long time. As I sit there on that bed, in the middle of a warzone created inside this infinite hell, I finally release myself. I start to cry. I cry for twenty minutes straight, painting my face with snot and tears, my shirt practically soaked in them as well. Heaving, shaking. My throat is so sore I can barely breathe. I feel so incredibly pathetic, yet it¡¯s simultaneously the best feeling I¡¯ve felt in over a decade. I sit there in my mess of fluid exhaustion. Now I feel a little bit better. But, I honestly don¡¯t know if I can go back to walking. What¡¯s the point? I feel like I just want to sit here. Just¡­ Just sit here and wait for the end. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª What the fuck was that noise? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Hello?¡± No answer. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯m paralyzed again. I destroyed a lot of furniture, some of it could still be crumpling. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª No, it¡¯s too far away, that can¡¯t be from what I did. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It¡¯s constant. Heavy. I¡¯m standing up. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª What the hell, it just stopped. As soon as I stood. I sat back down to see if it was coming from closer to the floor or something. It¡¯s just gone. I can¡¯t hear it at all anymore, but I know what direction it was coming from. I start walking. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Hang on. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I grab the pole again. I don¡¯t know why, but I just feel like I should keep it near me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Nothing. Just more nothing. I must finally be going insane. While I¡¯d hoped I would¡¯ve lasted longer, some part of that thought calms me down a little. That it¡¯s just my incredibly sensitive primate brain going haywire. Well, since I¡¯m already up, I guess I can just keep- ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª You¡¯re joking. There it is again. It¡¯s closer, but it¡¯s still a distance away in the same direction. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It stopped. I felt like I got pretty close to it before it did. Yeah, it¡¯s constant in its timing, but whatever it is, it doesn¡¯t sound natural. It sounds forceful. And¡­. wet¡­¡­.. Why the fuck is it wet? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I just walked by a bookshelf with a ladder on it. I¡¯m surprised I hadn¡¯t thought of that before. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Wow, it¡¯s honestly kind of beautiful, despite being a flat earthers paradise. It¡¯s like looking over a giant valley, but instead of grass, it¡¯s a colorful array of infinite furniture stretching to and inconceivably far past the horizon. Of course it¡¯s a massive let down that I am now inarguably trapped in here but, wow dude. I wish you could see it. It¡¯s breathtaking. Oh wait, I forgot that I have my phone. I know the camera doesn¡¯t do much justice to the eye, but I can at least try to get a picture of- ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª No, I saw it. I absolutely know I saw it. That¡¯s not insanity at work, no chance in the fucking world. I saw it. Someone is walking over there. ¡°HEY! HEY! OVER HERE! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!¡± I could barely see their figure, but I could see their movements. They seemed to not even react to the sound of my voice. They were moving, walking, but, something seemed off about it. I was about to call out again, louder, but hesitated. I wasn¡¯t sure why, but a wave of uncertainty just seemed to hit me out of nowhere. That feeling was getting pretty fucking old. I climbed down quickly from the bookshelf, almost breaking my neck, and cautiously moved my way around. I walked over slowly to where I thought I had seen it. Gone of course, not really surprising. No more sound, back to complete silence. I walked around the area for about ten minutes trying to see if I could find them. No trace. I can¡¯t exactly tell you why, but I felt like I wasn¡¯t too sad about that. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I kept walking in that direction for a while. This new development has sparked a new energy inside of me. It¡¯s certainly not one as jovial as the notebook did. This one feels more, I don¡¯t know, urgent. Urgent isn¡¯t a good word, stressful is better. The idea that I truly am inside some kind of infinite prison, but I might not be alone. I should be ecstatic about that, shouldn¡¯t I? Instead, it was a thought that was teetering me between immense excitement and immense fear. I didn¡¯t want to think about how bad that could possibly be in oppose to how I had previously begged for it. I wasn¡¯t giving up on being saved or anything but¡­¡­. something about being found right now¡­¡­ didn¡¯t feel right. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I found another Cafe. I guess it¡¯s also kind of a luck thing on how often I¡¯ll see one. Hopefully I¡¯ll never have to go a million miles between them, but if this place is randomly generated, who knows. I stopped for some tasteless salad that was more water than lettuce, and some more undercooked chocolate cake, then filled the rest of the pillowcase back with more water and soda. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The silence was getting to be a little bit much, bar the plastic squeak of the bottles bouncing as I walked. I don¡¯t know how I hadn¡¯t noticed it before. It¡¯s so annoyingly quiet. I mean, I had noticed the silence previously, but I hadn¡¯t taken note of how powerfully devoid of any shrapnel of noise it really is. There¡¯s not even a shred of ambience hanging in the air. There¡¯s just as much a constant absence of sound as there was an absence of light in my first close. I began humming through The Moon & Antarctica. It would¡¯ve felt better to just be singing it, but I didn¡¯t feel as free to do what I wanted anymore. I don¡¯t know, ever since seeing that person¡­¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I just can¡¯t get over this constant feeling that I¡¯m being watched. God I know that sounds so cliched but, it¡¯s a pretty horrible feeling. Remember I mentioned liminal spaces? Well, even as it has been made into more of a joke than a horror trope, there¡¯s a valid backdrop of dread to them. A backdrop of primal fear. The idea that at some point, the horror of the situation is no longer that you¡¯re alone¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The horror is the possibility that you are not. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I found a bed that looks really comfortable. I look around and feel like it¡¯s a nice place to settle down for the day. It¡¯s 8:17 PM, and I don¡¯t want to find myself getting up at 2 PM tomorrow, so I want to fall asleep as early as I can tonight. I think if I tire myself out right now, it might help me pass out. Carrying that bedside table made it abundantly clear that I was out of shape, so I tried to go through my old normal routine. New objective: Get this bitch jumpin¡¯. I didn¡¯t have any equipment, so it was a lot easier than it usually is, simply because all I could do was body-weight. Um, well, it should¡¯ve been a lot easier than it usually is. I¡¯m sure there were plenty of recent factors aiding to my inability to match up to myself, but I felt like an absolute old man. Tire myself out I certainly did. I was utterly winded just attempting to do half of what I was previously capable of. Kanye would be disappointed. The dopamine boost of exercise was more than evading me, but I was definitely exhausted. I wiped my sweat off with a window curtain, and climbed into the comfortable bed. The lights went out as I laid there, waiting for sleep. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I didn¡¯t mean to start thinking that way, but¡­ Being single must of my life, I had used sexual fantasizing to fall asleep most times I was struggling to. I hadn¡¯t really, you know, released that urge in a while since¡­. well, for a multitude of reasons, and I was definitely more than a little ¡°frustrated¡± in my current setting. Once I started, of course I wasn¡¯t able to stop. I finished behind a bookshelf and walked back to bed, marinating in self disgust. It was the same self disgust that usually came with the activity, but this one felt a lot worse. I probably should¡¯ve guessed that a negative emotion like that would just have been amplified here. The good news, is that I¡¯m definitely tired. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª God, please don¡¯t let me dream in here. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Cody Camargo: Three days in. Woke up at 11:52 AM. It¡¯s a step in the right direction. Before my, self enjoyment, I had considered praying last night. I started thinking about God as I was falling asleep, but¡­¡­ I don¡¯t know. It felt wrong to try and do it just because of where I was at the time. I¡¯d rather pray that I never experience a time where it does feel right. Anyway, good morning. Let¡¯s get going. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Nothing too exciting to report right now. Quite honestly hoping it stays that way. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Isn¡¯t this dumb? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Fuck man. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I had to snap out of staring in a mirror just now. It wasn¡¯t about my reflection. It was about the glass. I was thinking about it. I hadn¡¯t even realized I was because¡­. in my head, it just made so much sense. Just break it, get a shard of glass and¡­. Oh God. Oh my fucking God. It wasn¡¯t even a second thought. If I was any less focused, I would¡¯ve done it. If I had seen the same mirror tomorrow, I easily would¡¯ve gotten as far as smashing it. Sure, right now, the smash of the glass might¡¯ve woken me up, but how many days can I go in here until I don¡¯t wake up anymore? Until my subconscious brain takes over and I just- Fuck dude, holy fucking shit. I¡¯m so fucking scared. I don¡¯t have the stamina for the kind of denial that my mind wants to keep supplying itself. I¡¯m absolutely terrified. I just¡­¡­ I think¡­.. ¡°I¡¯M SORRY! OKAY!? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO FUCKING HEAR?! OF COURSE I¡¯M FUCKING SORRY! I¡¯M SICK! I¡¯M A SICK LITTLE WORTHLESS IDIOT AND I MADE A MISTAKE! I DON¡¯T DESERVE TO BE FREE, YOU DON¡¯T THINK THAT¡¯S HOW I FEEL?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I¡¯M SORRY, GOD IN HEAVEN I¡¯M FUCKING SORRY! PLEASE SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING TO ME!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IT MYSELF?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO?! IS THAT JUSTICE?!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I DON¡¯T WANT TO! I¡¯M SCARED TO DIE! OF COURSE I¡¯M SCARED TO DIE, I¡¯M SCARED OF FUCKING EVERYTHING! I JUST WANT TO GO HOME! I DON¡¯T CARE WHAT THAT EVEN MEANS! JUST¡­.. FUCK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE HELP ME, HANNAH! I¡¯M SORRY! I¡¯M SO FUCKING SORRY! CAN YOU HEAR ME?! I¡¯LL DO ANYTHING I CAN TO MAKE IT BETTER! IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY, I¡¯LL CUT OFF BOTH OF MY FUCKING LEGS ONE GODDAMN CENTIMETER AT A TIME! I¡¯D RATHER LOSE THEM BOTH THAN EVER HAVE TO WALK ANOTHER FUCKING STEP IN THIS HELLHOLE! PLEASE ANSWER ME!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Fucking cunt. I didn¡¯t mean it anyway. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It¡¯s obvious to me that I¡¯ve slipped into depression. Also obvious that there¡¯s no acceptance following after it, just more depression. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep for a long time. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It¡¯s 4:15 PM. I¡¯m lying down. Hopefully I fall asleep before having to wait until 9. If not, I¡¯m fine with just wallowing. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I don¡¯t know if I died and went to Hell. Personally, I don¡¯t really think so. This doesn¡¯t feel like Hell. Not yet at least. It¡¯s terrible, yeah. It¡¯s really awful, but this bed, this soft mattress, this heavy blanket, this pillow in my arms. I¡¯m still able to feel that empty warmth. I don¡¯t think this is the type of warmth that they tell you about in the Bible. It¡¯s at least a somewhat comforting warmth. It probably only gets worse from here. Despite that, I just don¡¯t see this being it. Maybe everyone has their own personal Hell but¡­¡­. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The lights just went out. I¡¯m barely conscious. I need a good night¡¯s sleep on a reasonable schedule. I need a level head. Things are bad. I know they are, but I have to figure this out. What else am I gonna do, sit and wait to die? Sounds like something Cody Camargo would do. Well, as far as I¡¯m concerned, that asshole is dead. Not sure how he died, but I¡¯m someone else now. I¡¯ll figure this out. I have to. It¡¯s the only option. Tomorrow will be the first day. I¡¯ll fix this. I¡¯ll fix everything. Somehow. For now, I just need to sleep. Everything will be fine tomorrow morning. Everything will be fine. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Did I have a nightmare? I don¡¯t remember. Why am I awake? I just shot up. That shit does not happen. I¡¯ve always slept like a rock. Even here. Honestly, especially here. What time is it? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª My phone says 2:34 AM. The lights are still off. I guess I¡¯ll just try to go back to¡­¡­¡­.. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª No, I don¡¯t feel tired anymore. I feel¡­.. jittery. I feel nervous. Really fucking nervous. I feel like I might throw up. Maybe I got a stomach bug from that cafe food. I guess it was poisonous. No, that¡¯s not it. I don¡¯t actually feel like throwing up. It¡¯s just that my stomach is in terrible knots. I just feel unsettled with this awful sudden punch of anxiety. Anxiety isn¡¯t a good word, dread is- ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª God, if you can hear me, I want you to recognize the absence of any uncertainty in me. I completely release my putrid soul as my only offering of peace. Please have mercy on me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It¡¯s that sound. Heavy, wet, pounding, constant, but there¡¯s three things that are different than before. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª One: It¡¯s occurring much faster. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Two: It¡¯s occurring from multiple locations. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Three: Every single one, is barreling directly towards me. A force beyond my nature of comprehension jolts through me as I shoot out of the bed. Whatever direction didn¡¯t seem to be a direct source of that sound is where I found myself sprinting. I was completely blind in the darkness. I thanked more than God that I hadn¡¯t dropped my phone. I wish I had grabbed the pole, but honestly, I was not going to try and use that thing. I flipped on my flashlight to illuminate the eerie halls as I ran. I could still hear the sounds, as they had all culminated into sharing the same location. Right behind me. In that moment, I proceeded to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and that was a hard list to make. I turned around. Okay, now I wanted to throw up. It was overwhelmingly horrible. I genuinely almost stopped running, simply because I figured there was no way I wasn¡¯t dreaming. Their figures were tall. At least 7 FT towering over me at my 5¡¯9 stature. Dashing. Skinny, slender arms and legs moving in such a grotesque and inhuman way despite their mostly human resemblance. But they were not human. Nowhere near it. Their skin was gray. A gray that seemed somehow darker than black. So absent of color that it seemed to almost absorb the light of my flashlight as it hit them. They wore the same IKEA tops as the real world employees. No way this was the real world anymore. Let me not beat around the bush, these things had no face. When I say no face, I mean no features. No eyes, no nose, no mouth, no ears, certainly no hair, no fucking anything dude. They were like a morph suit, but even in a morph suit you can make out the features being covered up by the fabric. No, they were almost like, twisted mannequins, and the way that they ran. The way that they ran after me. Holy shit, I¡¯m actually a little glad that I saw it. That image made me run faster than I¡¯ve ever run in my life. Well, even so, I¡¯m not at all glad that I saw it. Oh the things I would do to get that image out of my memory. Their movements seemed a little drunk, despite how fast they were. I turned my head and flashlight forward again. They weren¡¯t getting any further away. I was barely outrunning them. If I stopped for even a second, I would be contested. So, I kept running. I guess that¡¯s an interesting development in a journal full of walking. My back was tingling from the phantom sensation of them reaching out and grabbing me by the shirt. It became very clear to me that I couldn¡¯t do this forever. I was already sweating bullets and breathing daggers. Again, I was badly out of shape. Every breath felt like I had just been punched in the throat through my open mouth. I was not running on my own command. Pure adrenaline was an understatement. I barely even felt connected to the body I was currently running with. I was just about to lose that adrenaline, when things got so much worse. ¡°Sir! We¡¯re closed!¡± I almost pissed myself. The voice was so calm, so nonchalant, yet it boomed with such an otherworldly aura. And it just sounded, you guessed it, wrong. It was a calm human voice for sure, but it was disjointed, awkward even in its calmness. It¡¯s as if someone had made a shitty text to speech bot with the voice of God as a template, and shoved it into one of those things. But like- Oh my God, I didn¡¯t even realize. HOW IS SOMETHING WITH NO FUCKING MOUTH SPEAKING TO ME?! ¡°Sir, the store is closed!¡± I could hear the sound of wet footsteps increasing, but it wasn¡¯t the speed that was increasing. No, it was the quantity of feet. I didn¡¯t need to turn around to see if I was correct. The growing crowd of voices confirmed that a mob was slowly forming behind me. ¡°Sir, we¡¯re actually closed at the moment.¡± ¡°Sir, our stores close at 9 PM.¡± ¡°Sir. Please make your way to the exit.¡± ¡°HOW ABOUT YOU SHOW ME WHERE IN THE EVER HOLY FUCK IT IS AND I WOULD BE HAPPY TO!¡± They weren¡¯t much for conversation, they continued their bland script of requests for my exit. My exit from this plane of existence. Is it possible to avoid that? I can¡¯t run for another five and a half hours. Even if I could, would they even stop as soon as the lights turned on? Would daylight save me? Could anything save me? ¡°God, did you hear me earlier?! I really need you right now!¡± I was pandering. I felt as if this place blocked a cell signal just as well as it did my prayers, but if God¡¯s antenna really was able to hear me right now, I¡¯m sure he¡¯d be rolling his eyes. ¡°I know, I know. Trust me I know, man. Just give me one more chance. I know it¡¯s so stupid to even say that out loud, but I swear I can fix it. I can fix it all. I just-¡° ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I kept running, but I turned the flashlight off. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª If anything was a hallucination, this had to be. On the distant horizon, I could see it. Light. Warm orange light. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I felt like I started running twice as fast. It was far, but it was there. It was hope. It was a possibility. It was the disappearance of my completely certain death, but I had to make it there. I was in pain. My legs hurt. My saliva was burning. My throat felt like it was on fire. If my throat was on fire, I can¡¯t even describe what was happening to my lungs, but every step that I took made that light a little brighter. As the light grew larger, so did my determination to keep running. No matter what I felt. There was an army behind me, I was sure of it. The collapsing of furniture behind my back was beginning to rival the army of feet. There must have been so many that they were piling over each other and tripping. Can I really outrun something like that? Don¡¯t make it a question. Don¡¯t make it a game of possibility. You have to outrun it. That¡¯s the only choice. You have to outrun it, because you have to survive. You have to find a way out of this. You have to find a way out of here. You have to find a way to fix things. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª You have to find a way to live with yourself. That starts with not dying. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I was beginning to distinguish what the light was coming from. A building? A building, inside of an IKEA? Well, this isn¡¯t even an IKEA anymore, it¡¯s basically a world of its own, so I guess a building might make sense. But why would there be a building here? What is it for? Are there people there? Wow, is that a possibility? I didn¡¯t even consider it. What if I¡¯m not the only one who¡¯s lost? I can¡¯t believe I didn¡¯t think of it before. I was trying to stumble across somebody to save me and guide me to the exit, but if I can be trapped in this place, who¡¯s to say others can¡¯t? The other lost children in the woods. I had to bet on that. ¡°HELLO!? CAN YOU HEAR ME!? I NEED HELP! THESE FUCKING THINGS ARE AFTER ME!¡± The building was still a good distance away, but I was getting close. I could make it, I was in immense pain, but not nearly enough to stop now. Not when I was so close. Just a little bit more. But, what if it was nothing? More so, what if it was a trap? Was if this was their hive or something? Should I run away from it? Maybe they¡¯ll stay and I can keep running away and lose them. I can make out the building a lot better now. It¡¯s not really a building. It¡¯s huge, it is, but there¡¯s no roof to it, because the light is coming from the inside. It¡¯s more like an outpost with towering walls. The closer I get they just keep getting taller. I know that sounds obvious but, they¡¯re so high that it¡¯s almost scary, like at least 100 feet. They¡¯re strange composition seems to be spliced together with hundreds of differently textured woods and metals. How did this get here? ¡°SIR.¡± Focus, run. I could feel that their steps were getting closer, and I could feel my own growing more and more awkward underneath me. I probably looked like one of them right now. I wasn¡¯t running fast enough, isn¡¯t that fucking crazy? I was running pretty Goddamn fast, and it wasn¡¯t enough. Eventually, they would bridge the gap. Eventually they would get me. And honestly, I didn¡¯t think ¡®eventually¡¯ was that far away. If I didn¡¯t make it in about another sixty seconds, I knew they would get to me. ¡°HELLO?! IS ANYBODY THERE?!¡± It was close, but not close enough, I wouldn¡¯t reach it in sixty seconds. Even if I did, I didn¡¯t see a door, a window, a ladder, anything. It was just a fucking wall. Could I even get in? In fact, it went a pretty far way left and right as well. If I did get there and nobody answered me, I couldn¡¯t wait. I would have to keep running in another direction. I think just the brief pause of my attempt to pivot would be the end of me. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m gonna make it. I don¡¯t know what to do, I¡¯m really scared. I know I¡¯ve said that close to a million times now, but this is different. I can see it. I can see my dead body. My empty eyes in my skull. I don¡¯t even know what these things will do to me but I know it isn¡¯t pretty. And it¡¯s here. I can¡¯t run anymore. It¡¯s come for me. I lose. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°DUCK THE FUCK DOWN!¡± I hear a male voice come from above. I look up. A boy with windswept hair is looking down at me from the top of the wall, holding something in his hand. I was in shock. He was human. Not one of them. Human. Another living, breathing, fully colored human. ¡°HEY! ARE YOU DEAF?! DUCK DOWN NOW!¡± I snapped to attention, and tried my best to keep running as I lowered my torso down, almost in a Naruto sprint. The boy raised up what looked like a crossbow, with a bolt that seemed to be¡­¡­. is that thing on fire? I hear a metal ¡®chunk¡¯ and a ¡®whoosh¡¯ as three closely aimed arrows shoot simultaneously towards and above me, all with a streak of flames like fireworks. I hear each one make a squelching contact with one of the monsters behind me. I turn around, and see that three of them have been impaled directly in the forehead, falling forwards, as countless others trip over their now seemingly lifeless bodies. There¡¯s now a considerable space between me and the still fast approaching hoard. God, I will not forget this. ¡°ALRIGHT, LETS GO, HURRY!¡± He yells to people unseen as he disappears under the top of the wall. I begin hearing a ginormous croak of hinges, followed by the scraping of steel. Looking towards the wall, a giant gate begins opening outwards and to the left. I hadn¡¯t even noticed any outline of it, but it¡¯s bigger than the entrance to the complex back in the real world. As light spills out from inside its opening and across the floor, a group of eight people rush out, him being one them. They all are holding weapons in their hands. ¡°COME ON, GET IN!¡± The boy yells at me. I tried to stop running, but I forgot that I wasn¡¯t in control of my body. I smash directly into him, as we both fall to the floor. I scramble around, looking back, and expecting the hoard to be hurtling towards me. Instead I see what looks like an action movie scene. The other seven of the group have confidently leaped to smashing their weapons into the head and bodies of the monsters that had chased me down. They all had what looked like fire axes. Well, one super muscular one had a sword. I mean a literal samurai sword. He was beheading them like Michonne, it was ridiculous. Every other one was aiming to directly plunge their axe into the heads. The way they moved to avoid the monster''s was incredible. Almost as incredible as the monsters movement was terrifying. The things knew how to use the reach of their limbs, and they really were incredibly fast. Even so, these seven seemed faster. There were two of them that seemed to work in a tag team. The boy would go in, cut off a leg in order to disable them, and then the girl would quickly smash the axe into the back of their head. It was like a morose performance. One that got cut short as two hands grabbed me under each armpit. ¡°Hey, man! Are you even awake right now?! Get up!¡± ¡°What¡­ what the hell did you just say to me?¡± ¡°Dude, I need you to get up!¡± I tried to stand, but I knew I couldn¡¯t. My legs were jelly. My weight fell back into his arms as he grunted. ¡°Come on, dude. Work with me here.¡± I watched helplessly as my body was dragged backwards, almost lifelessly into the opening of the gate, the group of seven disappearing from my view. I was seeing stars. The boy turned me over. ¡°Try getting on your knees.¡± I could get on one, the other crumpled as he caught me, stringing my left arm over his shoulder. ¡°I got you. You¡¯re okay.¡± I looked up and tried to get my bearings, but holy shit was it difficult. What looked like thirty people had gathered around us. Different ages, races, obviously genders, all looking at me with surprised faces. My favorite thing in the world, a crowd of people all staring at me. A somewhat old man pushed his way to the front of the group. ¡°Elizabeth?! ELIZABETH?! IS IT ELIZABETH?! OH, DEAD LORD PLEASE!¡± He looked around frantically before his face filled with crushing disappointment, then anger. He looked in my direction, eyeballing me with a look of disgust. ¡°Jesus H. Christ. What kind of sick joke is this?! Did you try and round them up or something, jackass?!¡± ¡°Robert, calm down.¡± The boy holding me spoke calmly. The man named Robert shifted his gaze of disgust to him. ¡°You think you have the right to tell me to calm down?! I thought we had a rule of quantity! How many are out there, Elijah?! A HUNDRED?!¡± The veins in his forehead were popping. He had the tone of every sad, angry old man that made me sick. ¡°I didn¡¯t count them. I¡¯m not sure.¡± He replied somberly. ¡°DIDN¡¯T COUNT?! ISN¡¯T THAT YOUR FUCKING JOB!? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO, GENIUS?! RISK ALL OF OUR LIVES?!¡± I was stable enough now to be angry. ¡°Watch your mouth, asshole.¡± He looked back at me with a face of shock. ¡°¡­.what did you say to me, you little shit?¡± I was going to happily answer, if I didn¡¯t hear the sound of a man¡¯s horrible, blood curdling scream outside the gate. That scream¡­.. that scream did something to me. I heard another female voice crying. ¡°NOOOO!!¡± ¡°IT¡¯S TOO LATE JUST COME ON!¡± I looked back towards the door, as the group from outside started rushing back in. The first four raced in, three immediately rushing over to the giant handles on the gates inside that I hadn¡¯t previously noticed. The other girl moved to standing just around the corner of the gap in the gate. Two more followed, as I saw the man who was the muscular samurai of the group carrying a crying girl kicking and screaming into the entrance. ¡°NO NO NO NO NO NO, LET THE FUCK GO OF ME!¡± ¡°Goddammit, Jennifer! It¡¯s over!¡± As they entered, the other three began grunting, as they pulled the door closed. Wait, wasn¡¯t there seven others? I see a figure moving towards the entrance, quickly. I thought it was the seventh group member, but instead, I see another one of those monsters dashing towards the opening. It tried to wedge itself into the gates gap, but the girl around the corner brought down her axe onto the thing¡¯s neck, as the head rolled directly in front of me. She quickly kicked the limp body out of the opening as the gate finished closing, then jumped up to grab the giant metal door-bar and slam it down into its ginormous clasps the other three had been pulling. A hurricane of pounding roared on the other side of the wall. The six sat there, panting, along with me and the boy, apparently named Elijah. I looked down at the head in front of me. It was a clean cut. There was no blood. There was no wound. It was just more gray. No nerves, no bones, no meat. Just gray. Infinite gray. I guess I¡¯m not surprised. Elijah caught his breath. ¡°What the hell?! Where is Patrick?!¡± One of the men who had pulled the gate closed turned to him. ¡°Are you tryna be funny right now, dude? Where the fuck do you think Patrick is?¡± Elijah was silent. ¡°Where were you?! We were just scattering without the formation!¡± ¡°I-I had to drag him inside! His legs wouldn¡¯t work!¡± ¡°He ran all the way here! How could his legs not work?! Was he fucking sleepwalking?!¡± ¡°Jesus, man-he¡¯s probably in shock, he surely just got here.¡± Just got here? What does he mean? The crying girl, now released, wiped her face, and started walking up to us. ¡°I don¡¯t care if he just got here. Throw him the fuck back out there.¡± She raised her leg, clearly about to swing her foot into my jaw, before the giant man ran up and grabbed her again. ¡°JEN! STOP IT DAMMIT!¡± I turned to Elijah. He looked unbelievably distraught. ¡°Jen, I¡­.. Oh God, Jen¡­.¡± In his arms, she looked up at Elijah. ¡°It¡¯s not your fault, it¡¯s his. Don¡¯t you want to kill him? Don¡¯t you want to throw him back out there?!¡± Elijah hesitated. ¡°¡­¡­ no¡­¡­¡­. It¡¯s not his fault¡­..¡± He turned to me. ¡°Just relax, you¡¯re safe here. I promise.¡± Outside, I could still hear the monotone voices. So many of them, like a discordant chanting crowd. I absolutely felt anything but safe. My mind was a tiny little marble spiraling a funnel hole into a deep and horrible pit. A pit full of whatever it is that those horrible voices belonged to. So many voices. So many pounding fists against the wall. They¡¯re coming for me. They recognize me. They recognize what I did. They don¡¯t want me walking, let alone breathing. They want justice. They want me on a fucking jagged stake, burning to a crisp before they tear the seasoned meat off of my bones. They want me. They want my insides. These people in here, they want just the same. Their friend died because of me. I can¡¯t imagine what horrible grotesque death must come about at the hands of those freaks. He suffered it because of me. It¡¯s my fault. Those things didn¡¯t want him, they wanted me. They wanted to rip me apart. He died in the act of saving me from that. My entire world just flipped. Even with that horde of whatever the hell that was chasing after me, it honestly hadn¡¯t yet. I probably knew I was somewhere bad, but I didn¡¯t really have the proof to justify it yet. Those screams were proof. That obviously excruciating misery that had been painted just out of my view was real enough that I didn¡¯t need to see it. I didn¡¯t need to question if I was dreaming, or if I was being pranked, or if I had just simply gone off the deep end. Everything had just become a new shade of real that made my life about five hours ago feel like a gentle paradise. I was about to start losing myself again when- ¡°How the hell did so many get over here?!¡± I hear a stern but somewhat young female voice from somewhere. I look up to its origin. It came from a girl who¡­¡­ she¡­¡­ holy fucking shit¡­.. She makes eye contact with me. ¡°Who the fuck is this?!¡± Elijah took my hand off of his shoulder as he stood to look at¡­. Her. ¡°He was running outside, they were all behind him. He probably just showed up.¡± ¡°With that many chasing?! How?! There wouldn¡¯t even be that many if he had lured them up from the pile!¡± I could barely hear them talking with all the noise on the other side of the wall. ¡°I don¡¯t know, we just heard him screaming, and there they were.¡± She looked around for a couple seconds, before her eyes rested on the girl named Jennifer, clearly seeing her distress. ¡°Jen?¡± Jen didn¡¯t answer, and instead, forced herself around to cry into the man¡¯s shoulder. The¡­. girl¡­. looked around for a couple seconds more before all the color drained from her face. ¡°¡­¡­. no fucking way¡­.. don¡¯t tell me.¡± ¡°I¡­. I could¡¯ve stopped it. I focused on getting him in rather than fighting them off. It was dumb. It was so fucking-¡­¡± Elijah started choking up. The girl who had brought the axe down onto the monster''s neck ran over to embrace him. She put his face into her shoulder, as he shook horribly. I looked at the giant crowd of people around me. I wrestled myself up to my feet. The guy standing by the handles of the gate saw me and immediately seemed to grow angry. ¡°Hey, asshole! I thought your legs didn¡¯t work.¡± I immediately pinned this guy as an over-arrogant prick from the way he talked to Elijah. An old man in the body of a young man. Don¡¯t bring that shit to me. ¡°Fuck you.¡± Elijah took his head out of the girl''s shoulder to look at me nervously. ¡°Hey, calm down, it¡¯s okay-¡° ¡°-He called me an asshole.¡± He began walking furiously towards me. Elijah saw this and immediately jumped to stop him. ¡°Sean, chill out dude.¡± You would be named Sean. Elijah tried to stand between us, but Sean forcibly pushed him to the ground. ¡°HEY!¡± The attachment girl runs over to Elijah, glaring at Sean. He ignores her, and continues walking quickly and angrily towards me. ¡°Hello? Were you paying attention? Patrick is torn to bits, because he went out there completely wholeheartedly to help save you, and now you¡¯re in here with that kind of tone? I didn¡¯t hear a thank you for being saved or anything like that. In my opinion, Jen¡¯s got a great idea. How about we tie you up and throw you to the fucking-¡° Right before he reaches me, the godde-¡­ Uh¡­ girl, grabs his wrist, as he looks back at her with a raised eyebrow. ¡°¡­¡­.. We shouldn¡¯t let him stay here-¡° ¡°-We just met him, Sean-¡° ¡°-So what¡¯s the loss?¡± I felt my fist curling. ¡°It¡¯s not like anyone is gonna grieve about it, right? If anything, I think it¡¯ll be therapeutic to the extended.¡± He said. I was grateful for being saved, but right now, ¡°thank you¡± didn¡¯t feel like the proper response to this guy. ¡°How about if I knock you the fuck out and throw your sorry ass out there?¡± I spat. His face shot back at me with wide eyes almost popping out of his head. Maybe I was pushing my luck in a place where I should have known my bounds, but I didn¡¯t care. ¡°Did you actually, un-ironically just say th-¡° The girl pulled on his wrist like an owner on a dog''s leash. ¡°Go home. Now. I¡¯m not gonna ask you again.¡± Home? They stare at each other for a couple moments, as my eyes dart between the two. A weird energy seems to pass that I wasn¡¯t invited to understanding. She lets go of his wrist as he looks back at me for a moment with disdain, and then walks away through the gathered crowd. She closes her eyes and sighs tiredly. ¡°Roman, take Jen home please. Watch over her until I can.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t need to take over, I¡¯ll stay with her as long as I need to.¡± ¡°Shut up, Roman.¡± Jen mumbles into his shoulder. ¡°Come on, girl.¡± He turns her forward and walks her cautiously away through the crowd, as my savior, she, nods a silent ¡®thanks¡¯ to him. ¡°She¡± takes a second to look over at Elijah, and then slowly turns back to me, as I feel myself nervously shove a heavy breath down my throat. She stares at me for a couple seconds, silently. I¡¯ve seen that look before. It¡¯s not exactly distaste, but it¡¯s close enough to warrant a silent investigation for anything negative about me that could justify it as such. She makes a face a couple seconds later that makes me think she found more than enough. ¡°How did you get here?¡± I stared back at her. I tried to answer, I really did. Maybe it was the person I was trying to answer, maybe it was the impossible question, but it was most likely the culmination of physical and mental holocaust I had been through in the past ten minutes. Regardless, I certainly didn¡¯t feel the ground when I hit it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª (Part four coming soon!) Part Four ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª PART FOUR ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°How¡¯s your head?¡± ¡°It¡¯s fine.¡± ¡°Ah ah ah, that¡¯s when you groan and say, ¡®I guess it¡¯s a little bit better now, Your Honor.¡¯ Yeah, please, PLEASE start saying ¡®Your Honor¡¯.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t faking it.¡± ¡°Good, that¡¯ll help. Although, I wouldn¡¯t have cleaned the blood out of your ears.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not pleading insanity, won¡¯t I seem more guilty if I look like a mess? I should be fixing my hair right now.¡± ¡°First of all, let¡¯s get something straight. You¡¯re not fixing anything. I¡¯m gonna fix this. You¡¯ve just about shown how capable you are of fixing things. You need to take a double dose of ¡®shut the fuck up¡¯ and let me do some talking. You need to talk, but you don¡¯t have to answer every question in 2.5 seconds. Don¡¯t have another outburst. You understand that it will be the end of you if you do, right?¡± I don¡¯t want to have a conversation. Not with him, not with ¡°Your Honor¡±. I¡¯m so tired of talking. ¡°Cody?¡­¡­¡­¡­ Cody, it¡¯s a balance beam. You¡¯re not playing the silent game, you¡¯re playing calm. I want you to tell me you understand that¡­¡­¡­¡­.. Goddammit, you lackadaisical piece of shit-If you want to incarcerate yourself just please let me in on it so we can be done with this quicker.¡± Truthfully, I was thinking about the worst that could happen if I strangled him right here and presented his carcass to the jury. ¡°CODY¡­¡­¡­. ANSWER ME!¡± It couldn¡¯t be as bad as what I was facing. My face felt cold. Actually, only the left side of my face felt cold. I couldn¡¯t open my eyes, but I was awake. Every request of my eyelids to open was met with refusal. They currently had a similar demeanor to my foot immediately after crushing my bedside table. I couldn¡¯t exactly feel the rest of my body, but I felt so incredibly tired. My arms and legs were so numb that I couldn¡¯t even move them. They were¡­¡­.. wait¡­ no. They weren¡¯t numb. I was tied up with my legs bound to chair legs, and my arms to each other behind my back. That was the only way my disoriented body could decide that it was in a sitting position. I painfully pried my eyes open, as an immediate splitting headache shot into me. Someone must have just got done bashing a screwdriver into my temple. This was getting a lot closer to the feeling of hell that I was expecting. It took a couple minutes, but I was able to raise my head with a narrow squint more eyelash than environment. It was dark, with the only light coming from one small place somewhere in the hazy direction of what I¡¯m pretty sure was in front of me. Just that one nanoscopic pixel of inlet was enough to make me grit my teeth in pain. Where was I, and why was I tied up? Trying to make out my surroundings, it seemed like the light portrayed a small room with patchwork concrete walls. ¡°What in the fuck¡­..¡± My throat was so dry that I could feel my vocal chords crinkling. I was sitting in front of the metal table where my head had just been, with nothing else in the room. Okay, even in my bewildered state, I¡¯m pretty sure the clues came together well enough. Somehow, I had managed to become a prisoner. Fantastic. I was just getting comfortable with opening my eyes a little more when the small stream of light became the light of a thousand suns melting my corneas. I slammed my head back down into the table as I groaned. ¡°UGGGHHH¡­¡± I had been hungover a good amount of times in my life. Not too many. I tried to steer clear of alcohol since I had never learned to use it responsibly. Drink like it¡¯s your last day on earth, just be ready for the next morning to feel like the end of the world. This was worse than any of those times, if that''s possible. Why was this so painful? It felt like my skull was a piece of firewood at a Boy Scouts retreat. ¡°You alright?¡± a strangely familiar male voice spoke from somewhere inaccessible to my wounded eyes. I was definitely not alright. I can¡¯t remember anything hurting this bad in my entire life. On that note, I¡¯m having trouble remembering anything. I can¡¯t even remember what I was doing before. Most likely walking. How does walking lead to this? ¡°You need some water, right?¡± The pain was passing in a brutally slow manner. ¡°So fucking bright¡­.¡± ¡°Oh God, sorry. I didn¡¯t even think.¡± I heard a rustling, followed by a slam of metal that stung deep in my ears. ¡°Of course that would have destroyed you, I¡¯m sorry about that. I know concussions aren¡¯t fun.¡± Concussion? What? ¡°My ears¡­. they¡¯re aching so bad.¡± ¡°You got an earache? Oof, me too. Maybe it¡¯s in the air today.¡± I parted one eyelid to scope out the scene. The light seemed to have dimmed significantly back to what it was before. I slowly struggled to lift my hundred-pound-head. ¡°What did you just-¡° I lost my train of thought as I saw the face of the boy in front of me. It was the one from before, the one who had pulled me inside. Inside? Inside¡­¡­ that¡¯s right. Not good. It billowed out of me like a clogged pipe being released from its building pressure. It almost looked orange as it poured onto the table. All the memories of that night came flooding back, as well as my forgotten pre-IKEA Batman origin story. I had briefly been released from the constant hounding of those horrible thoughts, but they all returned in an instant, along with the existential confusion of my more current situation. Combine that with the already splitting headache, and I had myself a one-way ticket to seeing my guts shooting out of my mouth like a rocket. I finished after four three good waterfalls and a couple more sour and stinging dry heaves. ¡°Um¡­.. wow. You definitely need water. Let me get some paper towels.¡± I saw him turn around and bolt for what I now realized was a door with a square window. ¡°DON¡¯T!¡± My own yelling was almost enough to make my head explode, but he stopped to look back at me as I winced. ¡°Please don¡¯t open that fucking door,¡± I begged through gritted teeth. ¡°R-¡­. right, sorry.¡± What was his name? I couldn¡¯t remember. ¡°What happened to me?¡± ¡°You um-¡° The boy sniffed the air and visibly gagged. ¡°Jesus.¡± He reached for the door handle as I instinctively shut my eyes tight. ¡°DUDE!¡± I heard it peel open. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I really am, but I have got to get that smell out of here. This place is a hotbox. I¡¯ll be right back.¡± I groaned as I heard his footsteps exit the vicinity. ¡°Goddammit.¡± My throat was like a furnace of TV static as I spit the coating of my cheeks onto the table. I felt like I heard someone else¡¯s shuffling somewhat close to me, but I couldn¡¯t really tell. My head sounded like a battlefield. There were, of course, a million screaming nerves that I swear were so silent for the other twenty-three years of my life, but my thoughts were still louder. I¡¯m not trying to beef about being alive, but I feel like the victims of these sorts of events usually wake up in more hospitable places. On TV, if an injured traveler is taken in by an unknown civilization, they¡¯re usually given a warm bed with a heating pad in a nicely decorated teepee covered in tapestries and spirit candles, waking up to a beautiful woman pouring them mineral water out of a mayan clay pitcher. This was not that. I was happy to be conscious and breathing, but I was not fucking happy. Looking back at the physical state I was in at that time, I don¡¯t particularly blame myself for being irate. However, seeing as I¡¯m a prestige master in taking my emotions too far¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª About a minute and a half later, his hurried footsteps returned back into the room. ¡°Okay.¡± I heard the door being closed as I cautiously re-opened my eyes. He was holding two bottles of water and a roll of paper towels. ¡°I can um¡­. I can clean this¡­¡­. I guess I should¡¯ve brought a trash can in here.¡± ¡°Hey,¡± I interrupted. He looked up at me nervously. ¡°Where the fuck am I?¡± ¡°A safe place. Don¡¯t worry, those things aren¡¯t going to get to you now.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not a good answer.¡± He froze, looking confused. ¡°Sorry?¡­.¡­. I can¡¯t really-¡° ¡°-Why am I tied up?¡± ¡°Oh, right. Well, it¡¯s just a precaution.¡± ¡°Oh yeah? A precaution? Why is that necessary?¡± ¡°I mean¡­ we don¡¯t exactly know what you¡¯re going to do. Plus, you did technically threaten one of us.¡± ¡°Untie me. Right now.¡± I assume the trouble I was having with holding my tongue was because it felt like I had just spewed it out onto the table. ¡°Yeah, I¡­¡­ I can¡¯t do that.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t? What do you mean you can¡¯t?!¡± ¡°Hey, calm down, everything¡¯s gonna be alright. This is just a formality.¡± ¡°A formality?! YOU¡¯RE TALKING TO ME ABOUT A FUCKING FORMALITY!? IS THAT A JOKE?! TAKE ME THE FUCK HOME RIGHT NOW!¡± ¡°I¡­.. also can¡¯t do that. Like I¡¯m actually incapable of doing that, it¡¯s not a decision. I¡¯m trying to help you.¡± I looked down towards my pants. I didn¡¯t see the outline of my phone in my pocket. It certainly wasn¡¯t in my hand. They must¡¯ve taken it off of me. ¡°Hey! Where¡¯s my fucking phone?!¡± He fidgeted awkwardly. ¡°We had to confiscate it.¡± ¡°Confiscate it?! God DAMMIT, WHY?! AM I IN FUCKING DETENTION?!¡± ¡°Actually¡­.. yes. Although, I¡¯m sure you meant the juvenile concept of detention. I¡¯m saying that you¡¯ve been detained. You don¡¯t usually let somebody have their cell phone when they go to prison. Obviously this isn¡¯t exactly the same but-¡° ¡°-FUCK YOU!¡± I didn¡¯t mean it. Well, maybe I had in the moment, but remembering it makes me cringe. I didn¡¯t want to mean it, but he was making me angry when my temper was already unequivocally short. The way he was speaking so calmly was lighting a new fire in the back of my throat. I wasn¡¯t myself. Maybe I was¡­ slightly myself, but even myself would¡¯ve backed off a little after he said that. In the long list of things I was about to do in the next five minutes, back off was not one of them. There was something wrong with me. My synapses had scattered until forming a coherent reasonable thought had become impossibly difficult. Also, my brain was surely becoming more and more scrambled with each one of my own screams. ¡°Listen¡­. that was bad word choice on my part, but even so, I can¡¯t talk to you if you¡¯re acting like this,¡± he offered. ¡°Oh no, you¡¯re gonna talk. I¡¯ll make you fucking talk,¡± I reciprocated. I didn¡¯t know how I planned to back that up with my arms bound, but at that point, I think I was only talking to appear as if I had a leg to stand on¡­¡­ out of the two legs that were also bound. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, you¡¯re going to make me?¡± ¡°Yeah! You think I¡¯m joking?! How did I get a concussion?! Did you knock me out or something?!¡± The nervousness finally disappeared from his face, as I think he had a realization of what the inside of my skull currently looked like. ¡°Me?¡± ¡°Yes, asshole. You.¡± He closed his eyes and sighed. ¡°You know¡­¡­ I understood where you were coming from that night. Sean can be a¡­ bit¡­ of an asshole sometimes, but I also never heard a thank you for-¡° ¡°-Oh, please please please spare me from that shit-I¡¯m so fucking sick of people like you! Just tell me what this place is!¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been trying to.¡± ¡°Bullshit! Then stop stalling and tell me in one sentence!¡± ¡°That is¡­. annoyingly impossible. What¡¯s your name?¡± My eye definitely twitched. I¡¯m sure I had the look of an animal on my face. I was finding it shockingly difficult to not be a prick. ¡°If I break out of this chair before you tell me what¡¯s going on, I swear to God I¡¯m going to wring your fucking neck.¡± I think I heard God laugh at that a little. I definitely heard somebody laugh, and it wasn¡¯t my friend here. He didn¡¯t look like he was finding the situation very funny. He calmly set the roll of paper towels down on the floor. ¡°Aye yai yai. You¡¯re a piece of work.¡± I tried to pull myself up forcibly, but the chair seemed to be welded to the floor. As I struggled against the ropes. I noticed that one was tied to my waist and looped around the bottom. I was rendered completely immobile. I began writhing in the restraints. ¡°WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?!¡± ¡°Me? To be honest, nothing. Not anymore. But somebody else will now.¡± ¡°What?¡± He backs up slightly and knocks on the door three times. After a second, the door opens, as¡­ she steps in. Okay, there was way too much else to focus on before. There still sort of is now, but not enough to avoid describing this girl. She was breathtaking. Breathtaking isn¡¯t a good term, psychosis inducing was better. (You¡¯re so gross) Brunette bangs were like a veil over her forehead, and one longer than all the others crawled down to the freckles that only graced her right cheek. The rest of her hair was wrapped up in a ponytail to reveal her slimly shaped face, still with the perfect hint of cute chubbiness to it. (Gross gross gross gross gross) The slightest touch of natural tan to her seemingly hispanic skin tone. (I swear to God, stop) Her figure was a destructively alluring daydream. Long legs that shot up to sexy thighs and a perfectly curved waist. A slim torso which, with her shirt cropped up, boasted an incredibly athletic tone. The softer parts were¡­. um. I¡¯ll keep my glowing description of them to myself but, it¡¯s impossible not to mention. Especially with her outfit being as revealing as it was. (On my way to punch you in the stomach, see you soon!) However, the chimera of her was easily¡­ those eyes. Those mesmerizing eyes. It was like the indigo tinge of a DVD was pirouetting around her pupils. Purple, violet, magenta, all three at once, and yet beautifully transcended the expressible spectrum altogether. They swallowed me so addictively deep. What an appropriate setting for a pair of eyes to be as infinite as they were. Cold and polarizing to make contact with, yet I almost felt like my headache disappeared when I saw them. Even as they stared back at me with a look that meant nothing good. She took a bottle of water from him, drinking it slowly in the time it took me to uncomfortably stare at her. She threw the empty bottle out the doorway after she finished. ¡°What do you want?¡± Was she¡­. asking me that question? ¡°Hello? Are you suddenly deaf?¡± I guess that¡¯s a yes. ¡°What do I¡­ what?!¡± The anger was still in my voice for sure. I had tried to tone it back when I saw her, but I don¡¯t think it worked very well. Her glare intensified towards me. ¡°I heard you in here. What makes you think you can talk to Elijah like that?¡± That¡¯s the name. Elijah. Sweet Elijah. ¡°Like fucking what?¡± I¡¯d swear to God, but¡­ She closed her eyes. ¡°Elijah, untie him.¡± I actively tilted my head in confusion. Not how I had expected this conversation to go, but I certainly wasn¡¯t complaining. Get me out of this chair. ¡°Alright,¡± he answered. Elijah reached into the pocket of his cargo pants and pulled out a pocket knife, flipping it open as he walked behind me. I felt the release of my waist and legs, followed by a pressure on my hands as they parted from each other. ¡°Stand up,¡± she crossed her arms and coldly commanded me. It seemed a little confrontational, but I did just curse them both out. I stood and rubbed my sore wrists, stepping around the table towards her. I stumbled what I planned to be gracefully, but I felt like I had one and a half left feet. ¡°About time someone actually listens in here. Now can I get some fucking answers?¡± She stared at me silently for about ten seconds. ¡°You can go, Elijah.¡± ¡°Yes, Ma¡¯am.¡± He walked towards the door silently. How¡­ old were they? Maybe it was just a comedic title, but it was weird to hear Elijah call her ¡°Ma¡¯am¡± when they both seemed to be the same age. ¡°Lock it behind you. Don¡¯t open it for five minutes no matter what.¡± ¡°No problem.¡± Wait, what? ¡°What did you just say?¡± I asked. I saw Elijah pause to look at her. She returned his look as he seemed to silently offer her the pocket knife. She shook her head. Elijah turned around and exited, closing the door behind him as I heard a second slam on the other side, leaving me alone in the room with this girl. I stared at her with a dumbfounded expression. ¡°What are you doing?¡± She didn¡¯t answer. ¡°Dude, am I speaking in fuckin wingdings?!-why am I fighting to have a conversation-how hard is it?!-¡± ¡°-Did you even try to have a conversation with him? It seems like you¡¯re just screaming for the sake of it.¡± The tone of her voice was the equivalent of my headache being shot into my stomach. It was dangerously unnerving, yet so steady and calm. Given that, there was something about her that was undoubtedly just¡­.. terrifying. Just so- ¡°You know, for someone demanding answers, you sure take your sweet ass time responding to questions.¡± Anyone else having a hard time breathing regularly right now? ¡°I, wha-... Why should I be the one answering questions?! I¡¯m the one who¡¯s confused-I¡¯m in the goddamn Twilight Zone. Am I supposed to be giving you a TED Talk-WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I BE THE ONE TALKING?!¡± She uncrossed her arms, and stretched her neck a little bit. ¡°What¡¯s your name?¡± It was a simple question, but in the moment, it felt way too personal for my liking. It¡¯s funny, at that point, I had yet to notice that my wallet was also not in my pocket anymore. You know, the wallet with my driver¡¯s license in it. Of course, I still spoke as if I had the upper hand of information. I walked up and leaned into her face. ¡°I¡¯m. Not. Telling. You. Shit.¡± It was fast, so fucking fast. Like-if the pain wasn¡¯t immediate I might have not even known that it had happened-kind of fast. Her foot jabbed upwards, planted directly into my gut with ridiculous force, and immediately crumpled me to the ground. A retch of air exited me as I gagged on the pressure shooting up to my mouth. The wind was violently knocked out of me, as was a tiny bit more vomit. I felt like my organs had just been smeared around inside of my gut. ¡°What¡­ what the f-¡­ what the fuck is wrong with you?!¡± I coughed between my wincing. She stood over me, looking down in disgust. ¡°Your name. What is your name?¡± I clutched my stomach with my hand, using the other to hold myself up from falling backwards. ¡°I¡­¡­ it¡¯s Cody.¡± She threw the water bottle into my stomach with full force as I groaned. ¡°Full name.¡± ¡°JESUS! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!¡± She swooped down to the ground, grabbing my throat with her right hand. I was so shocked that I think I might¡¯ve squealed. Gripping my throat tight, she dragged me like a toddler by the neck across the room. I slammed backwards into the left wall. She bent down on one knee and put her face directly in front of mine. ¡°Has anyone ever told you that ¡®conversation¡¯ means that more than one person is talking?¡± For the first time in my life, I had truly forgotten how to speak. ¡°I want your full government name. Do you understand what I¡¯m saying?¡± I immediately saw her in a very different light. I was no longer addicted to staring her in the eyes. Within thirty seconds, she had become something that very much horrified me. My shaky voice lingered out of its cave. ¡°¡­¡­. Cody Lewis Camargo.¡± Her hand released from my neck as she stood. She walked back over to her previous spot and then turned to face me. ¡°How long have you been here?¡± ¡°¡­. I¡­¡­ I think four days now.¡± She kicks the water bottle back over at me, as I catch it directly before it smashes into my face. ¡°Why are you lying to me-¡° ¡°-I swear! I swear to God. It might¡¯ve been three, it definitely wasn¡¯t five-¡° ¡°-where have you been all of that time?¡± ¡°I¡­¡­ I don¡¯t know-¡° ¡°-Wrong fucking answer-¡° ¡°-I DON¡¯T, I DON¡¯T KNOW! Everywhere! I¡¯ve just been walking! Trying to find help.¡± ¡°Not for four fucking days you haven¡¯t.¡± ¡°I just said it might have been three.¡± She put her forehead in her hands and rubbed her temples for a few seconds, then looked back at me. ¡°Drink that water.¡± ¡°W-¡­ what?¡± ¡°Drink the water. Chug it.¡± I momentarily stopped asking questions. I shakily unscrewed the bottle, struggling to keep my hands steady. I started drinking. It would have felt like heaven if I wasn¡¯t completely terrified. I finished and looked up to her in expectation. ¡°Stand up.¡± I set the bottle aside and took my time to get up on my legs. I hadn¡¯t expected to make it. ¡°How do you feel?¡± ¡°¡­.. I¡­¡­ okay?¡± ¡°You don¡¯t feel okay. You¡¯re recovering from a concussion, and you¡¯ve lost most of your electrolytes. How do you feel right this second?¡± I felt alive, but lesser so. I didn¡¯t feel great. ¡°Below adequate.¡± She cracked her knuckles. ¡°Tell me right now if you think you¡¯re too weak to fight me.¡± I definitely had a dumb look on my face. I couldn¡¯t have heard that right. ¡°If you don¡¯t answer, I¡¯ll take it that you¡¯re fine.¡± Fight? She wants me to¡­. fight her? Fight a girl¡­¡­.. that¡¯s¡­. complicated. Super complicated. Too complicated for me right now. Too complicated for me for a long time. I can¡¯t do that. Should I ask her why she needs to fight me? We should resolve this in a more civil manner. It took a little wake up call, but I¡¯m ready to stop yelling. I¡¯m willing to calmly talk about this. ¡°I¡¯m too weak.¡± I see the smallest little smirk raise in her lips. ¡°You¡¯re a really shitty liar.¡± This is pretty bad. Bad isn¡¯t a good word, unfortunate is better. How did I get here? Because of a bedside table? Obviously that¡¯s putting it lightly, but goddamn dude, when does it end? Am I at least close to the tip of the iceberg? I have no way of knowing, but I kind of feel like I¡¯m not even swimming yet. I realized I was waist deep about the same moment that she raised up her fists towards me. I had no idea what to do. I wanted to defuse the situation, but I was the one who lit it. The bomb was bobbing right in front of me, only a couple seconds from going off. I didn¡¯t even know how to fight, not seriously. I was almost absolutely sure that this was about to be a serious fight. I was right. It escalated so fast. She dashed towards me as I jumped to the right, just simply trying to avoid her. She anticipated that. Her left hand swung wide and bashed into my face as I stumbled into the door. I was immediately submerged. I struggled to keep myself standing as the images flashed back through my head. My hands went into a shaking fit as I was overwhelmed by a devastating hysteria. I fought to pierce my attention through the familiar black fog. The girl reappeared in front of me as I gasped back to life. She was strong, and I don¡¯t know if she was left or right handed, but I prayed that hand was her dominant one so it couldn¡¯t get any worse. There was a writhing pain in my face and head, but that hit had psyched me up. I guess we were fighting. She dashed towards me again as I bent down to grab her torso. She brought her knee up into my neck, but the weight of my body had already entered the air. I blasted into her as she fell backwards to the ground. A distressing sting spread through my neck, but I was doing my best to ignore pain. Focusing on every ache would be much too distracting right now. Distracting enough to keep me from realizing that I had just put myself at the disadvantage. I felt her legs wrap around the middle of my back as her fist began to smash repeatedly into the back of my head like a wrecking ball. I felt the world around me ripple with every hit. I struggled to get up, but her weight was pinning me down. I rolled over, her stomach suffocating my face. That was¡­. a different kind of distracting¡­ I had a moment of intelligence in realizing I had pinned her legs under me, and grabbed each of her arms, trying my best to pry her body upwards and off of me. I quickly threw her onto her side on the ground, immediately focusing all of my strength on prying her left leg off of my torso. Succeeding, I attempted to roll to my side, but she had already propped herself up on her elbow. As I looked over, I saw her forehead swooping towards me just a second too late. I felt her skull make solid contact with my own through our foreheads. The pain became difficult to ignore after that. I think that hit made me forget what my favorite color was. My senses were drunkenly leaning on each other to stay upright, but my sense of sight was about one bad impact away from praying to the porcelain God. I thought for a second about how the only way to motivate myself through that pain would be to pretend this was life or death. I then realized, I didn¡¯t truly know if it was or not. I was severely outmatched. If she had the opportunity¡­.. was she going to kill me? I had obviously made her angry, and I began recalling the others who had suggested throwing me right back outside. I¡¯m suddenly extremely worried for my life. I guess I am a good self-motivator when I want to be. I rolled away to safety, trying to eat the blow the best I could, but I was feeling unbelievably dizzy. I reached the wall, praising it as my saving grace, and pulled myself upwards with its support. I looked back to see that she had already been on her feet for a while. ¡°You suck.¡± Getting taunted on in the middle of a fight was not ideal. I was a lot better at fighting games than real life fighting. Akuma would be pretty disappointed in my current performance. ¡°Shut up,¡± I retorted. She smiled slightly. ¡°You shouldn¡¯t be impressed with yourself or anything. I bet you think you¡¯re so goddamn cool,¡± I added. Her smile disappeared. I was not happy to see it go, for a multitude of reasons. ¡°Stop talking.¡± You started it, but whatever. I charged towards her this time. I didn¡¯t know what I was doing at all, but I tried throwing my right fist towards her head. She blocked it easily with her forearm. I panicked a little and immediately threw my left fist the same way. The same result occurred with her other arm as she threw her skull through the opening I had made, head-butting me again. I stumbled all the way backwards to the wall, propped my foot on it, and ran right back at her. Let¡¯s try that again. I threw my left fist again, and as she blocked it, I thought I had distracted her. I forced my right fist straight towards her face. She moved both arms inward and trapped it with her forearms before it reached her nose. Are you fucking kidding? She rotated sharply, twisting my right forearm to an awkward angle. I winced, and swiped for her head with my left in a panic. She saw it coming and leaned backwards, narrowly avoiding my fist. She leaned forward again in an instant, and sank her teeth into my wrist, immediately ripping a chunk of flesh and nerves out and away with her. A small red mist showered over us. What. The. Fuck. She let go of my arm as I stumbled backwards, gripping my bleeding wrist. Okay, she might be trying to kill me. ¡°GODDAMMIT! YOU PSYCHOTIC BITCH-ARE YOU INSANE?!¡± She brushed some of my blood off of her mouth, and spit a piece of my skin to the floor. ¡°Don¡¯t be a pussy. There¡¯s no rules.¡± She moved towards me, slower this time. ¡°When are you gonna land an actual hit?¡± A genuine anger began boiling inside of me. A horrifyingly genuine anger. This fucking slut bit me. Like, really hard. I can¡¯t believe that shit. I met her halfway, running towards her. I didn¡¯t go for a punch, and instead, pushed her by the shoulders just trying to get her to the floor. She barely stumbled. With my arms out, she quickly punched me twice in the sternum, one fist after the other. I, on the other hand, barely caught myself as I stumbled backward from that. She continued forward menacingly. I thought of using my legs, but I was sure it would end up with me on my ass. I jumped to the left, running back to get some distance. She turned and continued approaching. ¡°What are you doing?¡± As if I fucking knew. I was just buying time to figure out what I should actually be doing. I was hopelessly losing, and I didn¡¯t want to learn what would happen when I lost. Running out of my already minuscule list of options, I had an inspirational moment. It was a super dumb idea, but I assumed that the way to beat a smart fighter was doing things so dumb that they would never expect it. Terrible idea for sure, but I was hoping for a great execution anyway. I started moving towards her, trying to mimic her speed. I¡¯m sure my version wasn¡¯t nearly as intimidating, but I was hoping she would back off at least a little. Of course, she seemed unfazed. Oh well, let¡¯s just get it over with. I shot towards her, keeping upright for the moment, not giving away my idea. She readied her arms to block me, but once again, I went for her torso. Or rather, I acted like I was going to. I waited until she dropped her arms to try and grab me, to shoot my head upwards, bashing into her chin. I heard that it¡¯s supposed to rattle a person''s brain, but you¡¯re kinda supposed to do it with your fist. Whatever. Once I felt the pain of her chin meeting my head, I focused on putting all the strength I had towards my right fist. I tried to channel the same feeling of running away from the hoard outside the gates. Putting so much pressure on a part of my body that it felt disconnected. I swung out my arm, and let the radius of the joint do the job of snapping the weight of my fist around in a circle. It swam through the air and, unbelievably, landed exactly where I wanted it to: directly into the side of her face. She stumbled backwards, a real stumble. She held her cheek with her left hand. I did it, I had landed an actual punch. No, I had punched the shit out of her. It¡­¡­.. it didn¡¯t feel very good. My fist felt dirty. My stomach slipped upside down. It should¡¯ve been a moral thing, but I think it was mostly a cowardly fear of, ¡°what now¡±? I watched her as she slowly looked back up towards me with hatred in her eyes. I can¡¯t really remember, but I might¡¯ve seen the slightest hint of amusement behind that hatred. I was stuck to the spot. Even though I wanted to, I couldn¡¯t move. I definitely wanted to. I definitely should have. ¡°Why¡¯d you stop? You don¡¯t stop in the middle of a fight.¡± She bolted, so fast that I didn¡¯t even try. I realized that she wasn¡¯t trying to kill me, she was just playing with her food. Her knee came up hard into my stomach, as I heard a hollow crack. Heard isn¡¯t a good word, felt is better. I¡¯ve never had a cracked rib before, but it¡¯s pretty easy to figure out that you have one the second that you feel it. I fell backwards, clutching my side in pain. I could hear my own labored breathing through my clenched teeth. She walked up to me slowly, and stamped her heel into my stomach as I gasped for air. My posture quickly scrunched on the floor, and as my head shot up, she grabbed it from behind and smashed it into her knee. I felt my nose begin to bleed profusely. She kicked me in the chest, as I fell back down flat to the floor. She climbed on top of me, ripped up both of my arms, and forced her full weight through her knees to pin them down. She spat blood onto my forehead and looked down at me. ¡°That was a good shot. I guess I should try now.¡± The next couple moments were rough. Without any hesitation, resistance, grace or mercy, she relentlessly bore her knuckles into my face again and again and again. My mouth filled with blood. I coughed up globs between punches to avoid choking. My face went practically numb around the tenth hit. What followed was only a hollow repetitive pressure, like a hydraulic press being rapidly fired down onto my face. I helplessly maintained eye contact the entire time. Her face was riddled with an anger that felt horrifyingly familiar, but her eyes gave off a feeling of unbridled rage that was almost inhuman. After what felt like two full minutes of excruciating retaliation, she stood up, grabbed me by the shirt and effortlessly yanked me upwards. She carelessly threw me face first back into the ground. I felt the blood from my nose and mouth practically explode, pooling on the floor and coating my face. The sweet metallic taste swam around my lips as I felt a weight drop onto my back. ¡°F-Fuck, stop¡­ Jesus Christ please stop¡­.¡± Overruled. I heard my voice crack. Lying there on the floor, my body was technically resting. All of the pain returned to my mind. My entire body felt like it was collapsing to cinders. Her hands wrapped around my right forearm and brought it behind my back. I tried to struggle to rip it away, but she was easily stronger than me. It was almost just like being tied up again. Her left knee landed on my opposite wrist, and I found myself completely pinned. I tried to use my knees to force her off, to which she began pulling my arm backwards in a direction that turned my vision blurry. This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. ¡°FUCK! LET IT GO-STOP!¡± She didn¡¯t stop. With every movement I made, the pain worsened. What a clever way to get me to sit still. I stopped struggling. ¡°Goddammit, please. What do you want from me?¡± I didn¡¯t realize that I didn¡¯t want to know the answer to that question. I heard a light audible chuckle from on top of me. She let go of my forearm with one hand, still strong enough to pin it with the other alone. She grabbed my hair and forced my head sideways so my ear was facing her. I could just barely see her in my peripheral as she leaned down to me. Mouth right next to my ear. Bang just barely brushing my temple. ¡°¡®What I want from you¡¯? You wanna know what I want from you?¡± My eyes were definitely watering. It was impossible to hide it from her. When I spoke, my voice was shaky and high pitched. ¡°What, what do you want? Just tell me.¡± I could hear her lips curling into a twisted smile against my ear. ¡°I want you to tell Elijah that you¡¯re sorry.¡± ¡°¡­.. what?¡± She twisted my arm violently as I screamed. ¡°AGGGHHHH-¡° ¡°-Tell him you¡¯re sorry. Say - ¡®I¡¯m sorry for speaking rudely to you, Elijah.¡¯¡± He wasn¡¯t even here. Why would I say it now? ¡°You¡¯ve got five seconds to say it before I break your fucking arm backwards-¡° ¡°-OKAY, okay¡­¡­. I¡¯m¡­¡­.. I¡¯m sorry for speaking rudely to you, Elijah.¡± Her hair left my face as she backed up slightly. ¡°Well, that¡¯s very mature of you, Cody.¡± I closed my eyes, the pain in my head completely overbearing any hope of freeing myself. I sensed an approaching difficulty to pronounce words, so I got out the important ones. ¡°P-¡­.. please¡­.. please don¡¯t kill me¡­.¡± She had said something back, but I don¡¯t remember what it was. All I remember was one final imprint of her fist on the side of my head, crushing it against the floor, followed by sweet and forgiving unconsciousness. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Wow, if I thought waking up was difficult before¡­. Cody Camargo: Five¡­.. um¡­.. actually I¡¯m not really sure how long I¡¯ve been in this room for. Let¡¯s call it one week in to be safe. I didn¡¯t have the notebook at this point. I had abandoned it after my rude awakening from the IKEA welcome party. I didn¡¯t open my eyes for about an hour, mostly because I knew where I was. I felt the same restriction of my sore limbs, the same cold metal on my blistered face. My memory was a lot better, and my headache was a lot worse. Fantastic combination. At least they had cleaned the table. My face wasn¡¯t lying in my own vomit but, sadly, I could still kind of smell it. It¡¯s frustrating to know that I¡¯m playing a game of how long I can stay in my right mind for. It¡¯s just an IKEA. I just wanted to go to a fucking IKEA. I guess it¡¯s more funny than frustrating. Not laugh-out-loud funny perhaps but, simply from an ironically comedic perspective, it is pretty funny how wrong that one simple objective could have gone. I¡¯m also assuming that once I start losing this game of composure, everything will become laugh-out-loud funny. Cut open part of my head and I¡¯ll start responding to everything with the word ¡°Halloween¡±. It feels like I already have the cut open head part. Back before I¡¯d left my real world apartment, I guess I had known deep down that I was altruistically panhandling to the universe for success, and that any feasible plan would¡¯ve still ended up with Chandler and Toby seeing me as a total lunatic. Going to buy a new bedside table would never have been the solution to the situation I was in. However, when I thought of the worst case scenario of what could¡¯ve happened when I left that day¡­ This uhhh¡­. this wasn¡¯t it. Yeah okay, let¡¯s go to IKEA, how bad can Cody Camargo possibly mess that up? Find out on the next episode of¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª After doing a twenty minute exercise of opening my eyes every couple seconds to adjust them, I heard the door to the holding cell open. Just slightly illuminating the dusty room now made my exercise impossible. ¡°Hey there, Mr. Balboa!¡± I heard Elijah say. ¡°Fuck. You.¡± My lips were swollen, but I didn¡¯t find speaking to be too difficult outside of my bone dry throat. I probably sounded dumb though. I opened my eyes, the exercise yielding pretty impressive results. My head was splitting, but the opening of my eyes was no longer completely the cause of that. Maybe I¡¯ll just have a permanent headache until the day I die. I wonder how close that day is, maybe I can eventually just get used to it. ¡°Are you having a nap at the moment?¡± ¡°¡­¡­ I¡¯ve got a hangover.¡± ¡°Oh, I¡¯m sorry. Need a prairie oyster?¡± I heard him kind of chuckling. I let him laugh with himself as I sat silently. ¡°Do you feel okay besides that?¡± I valiantly fought to prop my head up on my chin for the express purpose of raising my eyebrow at him. ¡°Okay? That Lara Croft looking bitch put a hole in my lip the size of a fucking golf ball.¡± Elijah tried to stifle it, but I could see him cracking a smile. Not a malicious one, almost one that said ¡°Yep, I¡¯ve been there¡±. ¡°Well, in her defense, I heard you weren¡¯t being the most cooperative person in the world¡±. ¡°What did she say to you?!¡± ¡°Nothing I don¡¯t believe. I mean, there is a reason I gave up and called in the big guns. I actually heard that you went easier on her than you did on me.¡± Very funny. I notice he¡¯s holding a plate of food. Even my stomach grumbling is painful. I can remember the exact number of times I was hit by how bad each part of my body feels. My face was definitely doing the rocky pose on the winner¡¯s pedestal, and my rib was a damn close runner-up. ¡°What, is she not allowed to talk to me? You¡¯re not jealous, are you?¡± I turned my face back to the side to ignore that. ¡°Oh come on, I¡¯m just joking.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not funny.¡± Elijah stayed silent for a moment. ¡°Do you want to eat, or not? I can just give this food to someone who doesn¡¯t call my friend a bitch.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª So annoying. ¡°¡­¡­.. what is it?¡± I sheepishly surrendered. With my ear to the table, I heard the sound of him placing the plate of food in front of me. I looked up again, expecting a piece of stale bread and a cup of toilet wine. It was not that. It smelled like a meal to my hungry stomach, but it was just¡­.. I guess it wasn¡¯t exactly kosher. A circle of baked ziti surrounded a strange bran-like cereal filling with a Swedish meatball topping. Seven Swedish meatballs to be exact, the sauce of them acting as the milk to the cereal. Everything was decoratively presented, with a Cinnabon placed like a cherry on top. I slowly look up at him. ¡°What the fuck is this?¡± ¡°I¡¯m going to untie one of your hands. Which one is your non-dominant?¡± I blinked a couple times. I moved my wrists around a little. For the first time I took note that they were tied to each side of the chair rather than each other. ¡°Right,¡± I lied. He didn¡¯t try to hide his smile this time. ¡°Come on, man. That was such a softball. You think that bruise on her left cheek believes what you just said?¡± A blanket of self-disgust rolled over me. Shit. I had kind of forgotten that I¡¯d truly hit her. I didn¡¯t exactly intend to. I mean, I guess I did, but it was in the heat of the moment, and she had me up against a wall basically yelling at me to do it. Plus, I was angry, confused, and petrified by the hazy reality of my situation. I still am all of those things, but I wouldn¡¯t do it again. It felt awful putting genuine force into it. It wasn¡¯t an accident, I wanted to hit her and I did. It¡¯s just that¡­. Elijah prodded my forehead with his elbow as he moved behind me. ¡°You ever hit a woman before?¡± I didn¡¯t respond to that. ¡°Either way, you certainly did not pick the best woman to try it out on, as the hole in your lip would concur.¡± I couldn¡¯t argue much with that. I had only ever gotten into one serious fight in my life, and it wasn¡¯t exactly a fair one. She, on the other hand, had offered me a level playing field. I had gotten my ass kicked fairly royally. ¡°What was I supposed to do? Take the beating?¡± I shivered at my own words. ¡°Nah, you were right to fight back. She doesn¡¯t like giving or receiving mercy. She honestly would¡¯ve beaten even more of the shit out of you if you had stayed stoic.¡± More? Was that possible? As my left hand came free, Elijah walked back around the table. I inspect my now bandaged wrist, to see a crimson stain jutting like lightning down its length. ¡°Hey, you better not insult that meal. My buddy made it pretty special for you, and she isn¡¯t exactly working with a full kitchen.¡± He opens the door as my life flashes before my eyes. He reaches down and grabs a book that is sitting just outside of it, closing the door again as a second slam is heard behind it this time. ¡°Well, actually, she¡¯s working with what is possibly the nicest kitchen known to man, but ingredients are a different story.¡± Was he locked in with me? Had she been sitting just outside again? ¡°Your ¡®buddy¡¯?¡± ¡°Yeah, you met her.¡± ¡°You mean the girl that was hugging you? Is buddy your way of saying girlfriend?¡± He shot me an olympically unamused face. He slumped against the wall, sliding down to the floor and sitting cross-legged directly opposite of me. ¡°She¡¯s not my girlfriend. Do you call every person that¡¯s ever hugged you your girlfriend?¡± Bullshit. I assumed that if that girl was his romantic companion, he probably didn¡¯t want to give me any information that could put her in danger. Me, the dangerous prisoner. I groaned as I sat up straight in the chair and pulled the plate towards me. ¡°Hey, I don¡¯t have a fork.¡± His newest smile is definitely malicious. ¡°You think the cavemen complained about that?¡± Surely they did, otherwise why would we invent forks, but I don¡¯t think he was trying to sound intelligent rather than funny. I wasn¡¯t laughing. ¡°Fucking prick.¡± I whispered under my breath. I¡¯m sure he hears it, but I don¡¯t take him as someone that would do something about it. I also didn¡¯t think he would call Chloe Frazer back in to teach me some manners. I secretly prayed I was right about that. He suddenly sits up excitedly. ¡°Oh, that¡¯s right! Thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.¡± I slammed my fist against the table. ¡°I said fucking. Prick.¡± His smile disappeared. ¡°Yeah, I heard what you said. Enjoy the food.¡± He opened his book and looked down to it. I noticed a second pink bookmark was placed much further than wherever Elijah had reached in the story. I briefly wondered if he had said something genuine just now, and I had only assumed it was him being an asshole. I was very much too unhappy with him to care. I started with the meatballs, plucking them out one by one. They were just meatballs, but damn I hated Swedish meatball sauce. It especially didn¡¯t taste any better mixing with my blood. My hunger overpowered the taste, but not exactly the pain. Every bite hurt, as I probably should have guessed. I prayed the cereal would be soggy. It felt like I hadn¡¯t worn my retainer for a year, and was trying to force it in again one night. My tongue reported that all my teeth were surprisingly still intact, but it felt like anyone could drop out with just the tiniest bit of excessive pressure. Once I finished three meatballs, I had to take a break. I sat there, doing some good old fashioned wallowing before looking up at Elijah. He was biting his thumb, looking very comfortable and enamored with his book. That must have been nice. I gave some more thought to the person in front of me. Even if he was trying to be an asshole, which seemed unlikely, he had saved me. Okay, here it goes. ¡°Hey um¡­.. thank you¡­.. for saving me.¡± He didn¡¯t respond. He didn¡¯t even look up. ¡°Hey, Elijah?¡± His eyes refused to leave his book. ¡°Dude, I¡¯ve been excited about getting to this part for days. Can you decide that you want to have an adult conversation later please?¡± To being reasonable I waved goodbye. Parting is such sweet sorrow. I picked up a meatball, made sure it was covered in as much sauce as possible, and threw it at him. It splattered on the back of the book. He immediately shut it, closing his eyes and putting his hand to his face. ¡°Okaayyy Cody. Is there anything else you need from me besides saying ¡®you¡¯re welcome¡¯ in order to make you feel better? Or is that literally all that you wanted?¡± Goddamit, I was sure he wasn¡¯t an asshole, he couldn¡¯t be! So why was he being such a fucking asshole? ¡°Okay, so I cursed out you and her, and obviously threatened you and the douchebag. Why was I tied up for that?! I didn¡¯t even do anything!¡± ¡°It¡¯s just a policy.¡± ¡°A policy? For what?!¡± ¡°For newcomers.¡± I paused. I felt so retarded. My mind was so useless and jumbled. How is he so calm? Doesn¡¯t he know how horrible this place is?! I see his expression soften towards me. ¡°She said you claimed to be in here for four days before you found us¡­¡­¡­. is that true?¡± ¡°I¡­¡­ yeah. I don¡¯t know when I¡­.. really showed up in the infinite part but¡­.. four is definitely the minimum.¡± He looked at the ground, clearly pondering something. ¡°Where did you sleep? How did you hide yourself?¡± ¡°I¡­ didn¡¯t really. I just found a bed each night and crashed.¡± ¡°That¡¯s ridiculous. You would¡¯ve been killed in your sleep the first night.¡± Not very fun to hear. ¡°Is that your guidance spirit way of telling me that I did die, and I need to accept it so my soul can move on?¡± He rolled his eyes and sat silently for a moment. ¡°¡­¡­. if you give me fifteen more minutes to read, I¡¯ll tell you anything you want to know¡­.. as much as I can.¡± I didn¡¯t really feel terrible for everything I¡¯d said to him, but I definitely wished I had been a little less of a dick to the guy that was obviously willing to be cooperative with me. ¡°Okay.¡± He didn¡¯t respond, just picked up the meatball from the floor and ate it. Then, after wiping off the cover, he continued to read. Somehow, I found it kind of calming to watch. I Everest¡¯ed what was left of the meal. The cereal was soggy, thank God. That didn¡¯t make it any less bizarre, but strangely, it wasn¡¯t horrible. The baked ziti was pretty good, hard to mess that up. After flicking off the sauce from the bottom of the Cinnabon, it was a rewarding dessert. I moved the plate and rested my head in the fold of my arm. It was a much better pillow than the table. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I heard Elijah closing his book. ¡°Yeah, that was truthfully pretty sickening.¡± I groggily looked up to see him putting it aside and adjusting his position to hold his legs in his arms. ¡°Okay well, I promised. Ask away.¡± I thought around for a second. ¡°What¡¯s that girl¡¯s name?¡± Unamused wasn¡¯t even applicable. ¡°Seriously, dude? That¡¯s what you¡¯re asking? Even after the ass kicking?¡± I felt my face turn a little red. Could be from blushing, could be from every single one of my pores bleeding. It was a less subtle question than I wanted it to be. ¡°I¡¯m not allowed to tell you anyway, so try to take that as a hint.¡± I looked away. ¡°You¡¯re not gonna¡­. tell her I asked you that, are you?¡± He smiled a little. ¡°I kind of have to tell her everything you say but¡­. I think I can leave out the part about you being a masochist.¡± I smile back at him slightly. ¡°Thanks¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­. how many days have I been in here¡­. In this room I mean¡­¡± He looks up at the ceiling in thought. ¡°It¡¯s still right around lunch time right now¡­¡­ this is your fourth day.¡± Cody Camargo: Eight days in. I¡¯m growing less eager to distrust Elijah. Is that naive? ¡°What is this place?¡± ¡°Um¡­ do you mean this outpost, IKEA, or existence in general?¡± Less ambiguous wouldn¡¯t hurt. ¡°The first two.¡± ¡°Well, I wish I could give a good answer to explain the IKEA. Probably Hell, or something adjacent to it. Maybe purgatory. Umm¡­. ¡®not a nice place¡¯ is definitely a good answer. Anyway, this place is ¡®Return and Exchange¡¯.¡± ¡°Return and Exchange?¡± ¡°Yeah, they only chose the name because they started building it under the sign that said that. It¡¯s just¡­. a get together of some of the luckiest people who¡¯ve been unlucky enough to be stranded in this very not-nice place. Community. Supposed salvation. I guess I can¡¯t say supposed. It¡¯s certainly kept my ass safe for the last three years.¡± My jaw dropped, and yeah, it was painful. ¡°You¡­. you said three years? You¡¯ve been here that long?¡± ¡°Heh, yeah. I was a little mad that they didn¡¯t give me a badge or anything for the third one. Maybe when I get to five.¡± My head began spinning again. Three years inside of an IKEA. I had gone practically insane from four days. Surpassing a month sounded ridiculous. ¡°How have you guys survived for three years in here?¡± ¡°Pffff, oh dude, I hate to break it to you. I¡¯m basically still a newcomer, too. You would be theeee¡­.. I think, eighth person that¡¯s showed up after me. It doesn¡¯t happen very often.¡± I thought back to the giant crowd that had gathered around me during the confusion. ¡°How many people are here?¡± ¡°Right now? Ummmm¡­ I¡¯m pretty sure you make¡­.¡± He looked away as his face went distant for a second. He suddenly looked extremely sad. ¡°Elijah?¡± He looked back at me as he almost jumped. ¡°Sorry, um¡­. I believe there¡¯s 129.¡± That number didn¡¯t even faze me like it should have. I felt awkward all of a sudden. Elijah seemed calm, enough to be making jokes, but I doubt that anyone inside this place could be completely fine. I tried to lighten the mood a little before asking more questions about this ¡®hell adjacent¡¯ place. ¡°What book are you reading?¡± His eyes kind of lit up a little. That felt good to see. ¡°Oh, um, it¡¯s called ¡®She¡¯s Come Undone¡¯. It¡¯s pretty good.¡± ¡°Alright¡­¡­.. what¡¯s it about?¡± ¡°Just a girl¡¯s dysfunctional life really. Not exactly a Sci-Fi or anything. It made Oprah¡¯s book club¡­¡­.. not sure what that means but, someone told me it means it¡¯s bad.¡± ¡°What¡¯s happening in it?¡± ¡°Well¡­¡­¡­ bad things.¡± ¡°Oh. Why do you keep reading it if it¡¯s bad.¡± ¡°Nonono, it isn¡¯t a bad story, just bad events. A guy wrote it from the perspective of a teenage girl, and it feels genuine and accurate coming from someone who¡¯s never been there. Not that I¡¯m a young adult female or anything.¡­. I don¡¯t like what happened, and it¡¯s weird that it did, but I especially don¡¯t like that she¡¯s a person who couldn¡¯t prevent it, because it¡¯s not her fault that she is. People are powerless to a lot of horrible shit like that, and it¡¯s believable because people are helpless. To be honest, it kinda just felt like this was the first time that she acted how it seemed he wanted her to act, rather than what she would actually do as the character he wrote, like he wanted a necessary-¡° Elijah continued talking for quite a long time as, truthfully, I stopped listening almost immediately. I started again in time for him to be done. ¡°It¡¯s like, he was the one taking advantage of her. The author I mean. Does that make sense?¡± ¡°I haven¡¯t read the fucking book, dude.¡± He rolled his eyes again. Dial it back, Cody. ¡°¡­¡­. what¡­.. it kind of feels forced?¡± He cringes a little. ¡°Well yeah¡­ for lack of a better term. Disingenuous if anything. Like I didn¡¯t believe him, and in extension, her, for the first time. I don¡¯t believe that she was that weak.¡± Okay¡­ I mean, it¡¯s only so possible for an author to do that ¡°genuinely¡±. People are sporadic. Most of the time even you don¡¯t feel the way that you should or would usually feel, because that doesn¡¯t have any definitive meaning. I could have said that out loud, but I had grown quickly bored of Elijah¡¯s book club. ¡°So, you guys have a library here?¡± ¡°Yeah. It¡¯s somewhat impressive. Every once in a while, a bookshelf here will have a real book in it. Most of the time it¡¯s just like 500 pages of random words scrambled around to look like one, so it¡¯s definitely limited. Also, it¡¯s almost entirely suited to the demographic of what a suburban wine mom would carry around in her purse, since the only reliable way we can get books in here is finding them on dead bodies.¡± Both of our eyes widened at the extreme U-turn back to the previous darkness of our conversation. ¡°Sorry about that. Thank you for steering away but, it is what it is. We¡¯re here. I said I would inform you so¡­.. it¡¯s not gonna be the happiest conversation.¡± ¡°Yeah, I know.¡± It is what it is. That was not exactly what I wanted to hear about this place. ¡°Is it really infinite?¡± He chuckled a little. ¡°I doubt that anyone who knows the answer to that is here or alive.¡± Fair enough. I was getting depressed again, but depression is strangely addicting. I still wanted more. ¡°What are those things? The gray things?¡± ¡°Those ¡®gray things¡¯? Lord knows. We just call them ¡®The Staff¡¯. Figured it was appropriate. It¡¯s hard to look at those things and not think that this is some kind of sick joke. I mean, I don¡¯t really have to think about it, I know it is definitely just a joke. Whoever¡¯s playing it has got a pretty morbid sense of humor. Anyway, just monsters I guess, to put it gently. They¡¯re not too much of a problem in here to be honest. We have people survey the walls and look out for them when they show up. They just pick ¡®em off from above and take care of the bodies in the daytime.¡± ¡°So, it¡¯s safe here?¡± ¡°Yeah, really safe. I think Robert, you know, the old guy that yelled at us, I think he¡¯s been here for thirty-nine years now.¡± I couldn¡¯t believe that. I didn¡¯t believe that. And yet, the fact that I didn¡¯t, basically let me know that it was probably true. Thirty-nine long years trapped in this place. ¡°No wonder he¡¯s such an asshole,¡± I said. Elijah smiled wide. ¡°Ain¡¯t that the truth.¡± I smiled right along with him. It made me happy that he had said ¡°yelled at us¡±. His smile wavered a little. ¡°Truthfully though, I feel the tiniest bit bad for him.¡± Oh God, incoming reason to make me feel like a piece of shit for calling a piece of shit with a troubled backstory a piece of shit. ¡°His daughter went missing about three weeks back.¡± ¡°¡­¡­.. in here? That¡¯s¡­.¡± ¡°Yep. Basically a guaranteed death sentence.¡± ¡°That¡¯s right, I remember him yelling about¡­¡­¡± ¡°Her name was Lizzie, she was only twelve.¡± Ew. That left a bad taste in my mouth, besides the blood and sauce. A twelve year old girl, to die in a place like this, most likely more horrifically than any monster could ever deserve to die. ¡°That¡¯s¡­¡­ fairly horrible¡­¡­¡­¡­ you said he¡¯s been here for thirty-nine years so¡­¡­ was she born here?¡± ¡°No, she had actually been here longer than me, but she showed up like most everyone else. She wasn¡¯t really his daughter, but she showed up when she was only eight, so Robert had taken her in as his own. He had a little¡­ arm candy back then that I suppose brought out a more family-man side of him. She um¡­.. she¡¯s not with us anymore either. Stroke in her sleep.¡± Holy fuck. ¡°Well, I definitely feel like a piece of shit for yelling at him now.¡± ¡°Huh? Oh no, don¡¯t. He¡¯s a rude old bastard. Fuck that guy, seriously.¡± I couldn¡¯t help but laugh at hearing those words come out of Elijah¡¯s mouth, even though it seemed a little inappropriate. Despite the entirety of only negative experiences I¡¯ve shared with this boy so far, I had a moment of feeling like we were just friends talking casually. It was a really nice moment. My smile faded as I thought of the only other question that was begging to burst out. ¡°What are you going to do with me?¡± Elijah¡¯s smile faded just as quickly. ¡°¡­.. I¡¯m not allowed to tell you that.¡± We both sat there in awkward silence. ¡°I¡­. I should probably go¡­. are you gonna try to kill me if I go to re-tie your arm?¡± ¡°No.¡± I don¡¯t know if he believed me, or just figured it would be an easy fight, but I couldn¡¯t have done it even if I tried. ¡°Thanks.¡± He re-bound me, took my empty plate along with his book, and exited the room. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah returned a couple hours later to give me some water. I told him I had to piss. ¡°I know it¡¯s ridiculous, but I¡¯ll have to go get a bucket and hold you at the point of crossbow.¡± That was definitely ridiculous, but my need to pee was far more ridiculous. As dead as I already felt, I still cared about my body enough that I didn¡¯t want to piss myself like an animal. ¡°Whatever, fine.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah untied my arms, and let me untie my legs myself while he kept his sight on me. He looked incredibly out of place holding the crossbow, but I had seen firsthand how good he was with it. I assumed those weren¡¯t lucky shots. I pissed into a plastic drawer. This place was definitely a joke. If Elijah hadn¡¯t told me that this place was so old, I would say it was created by some lardass memelord millennial who found out he was God one day. I finished and zipped my pants back up. ¡°How do I re-tie myself without you thinking I¡¯m trying to jump you?¡± ¡°Start with your legs, I can tell whether or not it¡¯s tight enough.¡± I sat down and handled the rope until Elijah approved of both limbs. ¡°She almost broke your right arm, right? I doubt you could tie your left with that.¡± ¡°I can try.¡± I reach behind the tiniest bit, hitting about halfway to the angle she had previously held my arm at. ¡°I can¡¯t try.¡± Elijah sighed and put down the crossbow. ¡°If I can keep the name thing a secret you can keep this a secret.¡± He walked over without the weapon and tied me up himself. I didn¡¯t try to struggle, and I didn¡¯t feel like I wanted to. What would be the point in breaking out? 128 people would surely be able to handle me in my battered state with a crossbow I didn¡¯t know how to use. I wonder who I would even be keeping his procedure break a secret from. That girl? Was she his boss? ¡°Thanks for cooperating. I mean it.¡± ¡°Thanks for helping me piss.¡± Elijah strapped the crossbow around his back. ¡°Yeah you know¡­ He cringed as he picked up the now yellow sloshing drawer. ¡°My pleasure¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah gave me a loaf of bread. It wasn¡¯t stale, but it wasn¡¯t very filling. I think that was my dinner. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The lights went out outside the door awhile ago. The room is almost pitch black now. I can see the smallest amount of orange light through the window, but none of it is enough to illuminate this room. I haven¡¯t seen Elijah in about six hours. At least, it feels like six hours, but I can¡¯t tell time. Never before in my life have I done such absolute nothing. At least outside I was still walking and observing furniture. Being here with the same four walls, completely immobile, and nothing but my own internal monologue is challenging. Challenging isn¡¯t a good word, grueling is better. I guess I should try and sleep. My cracked rib-side is killing me, it feels so hot. This table is certainly not as comfortable as the selection of comfy beds I¡¯ve had in the previous days. I don¡¯t feel mentally comforted enough to sleep, not even close. Focusing on the positive things seems to be on its highest difficulty setting. Being alive is the beginning and end of that current list. That is fairly big, but I¡¯m definitely feeling like I¡¯m in a pretty bad spot at the moment. I¡¯m a prisoner, most likely awaiting judgment. How and when that judgment will come is surely impossible to know. Elijah says this place is safe, and I trust him, I really do. I want to stay here. What if I¡¯m forced out there again, what would I do? I tried my best not to think about that. I didn¡¯t know how closely I was being monitored, but I figured I was a little too mentally bogged down to care. So, I tried singing myself to sleep. Elliott Smith¡¯s self-titled seemed like it would work the best. I think I got to Coming Up Roses before getting too tired to continue. I closed my eyes and waited to slip back into slumber. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Came up for air knowing I was dreaming. A beautiful sky of fire burned above me. Nothing had ever burned that bright in my life. Years of fire all in one sky. Out of my peripheral, a wave was rising fast. Underneath me, the water was beginning to boil. Heat was sewing itself into my skin. Every bubble seemed to pop with a little cloud of smoke. An entire school of fish surfaced dead around my limbs. Remember how to wake up. Make yourself wake up. Everything is burning. Tens of thousands of years are burning. Eons are burning. Staying means you¡¯re giving up. Tell yourself whatever you want, but you know that you¡¯re just too lazy to wake up on your own. I can¡¯t. Nothing is working. Giving yourself the command to wake up is just like your brain running in a circle. Trying to break out of that feedback loop is impossible. Enjoy the nightmare while you can. Something will wake up for you if you just relax. Take your time. Imagine that you¡¯re a fire in the middle of the ocean. Nobody needs you to do anything but burn yourself out. Go ahead and burn for as long as you need. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Cody Camargo: Eleven Days In Elijah and I had built a routine over the past two days of my full lucidity. More accurately, someone else had built it, and Elijah and I were just performing it. Morning piss, two bottles of water, see you in four hours. Lunch, prepared by his absolutely positively definitely not girlfriend, one more bottle of water, see you in five hours. Afternoon piss, loaf of bread dinner, see you tomorrow. It seemed more like fortitude construction for my bladder than imprisonment. I talked through eating my dinner tonight. ¡°She wants me gone, doesn¡¯t she?¡± ¡°I can¡¯t talk to you about this, Cody.¡± ¡°You wouldn¡¯t be telling me what she¡¯s deciding on, you¡¯d just be telling me what she wants.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not ¡®telling you¡¯ anything, and She, is not the only person around here that makes a decision.¡± ¡°Do you have a say?¡± He fidgeted in place. ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­ finish your bread.¡± He tied my arm back up. ¡°¡­¡­. I¡¯ll talk to you tomorrow, alright?¡± He opened the door, stopping before he closed it again. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± The room was shrouded in darkness within what felt like the hour, as that apology stayed playing in my head over and over and over. Sleeping was difficult that night. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Cody Camargo: Twelve Days In Sometime before lunch, I heard a loud banging on the door that almost made me shit myself. I heard the handle being fumbled with furiously for a few seconds before falling silent. I couldn¡¯t see anybody through the window opening. ¡°Hello?¡± I heard the smallest grasp of the door handle before silence followed. I sat there shaking in expectant fear for hours, until the door opened with Elijah walking in. He must have noticed me jump. ¡°Hey¡­. you alright?¡± ¡°S-somebody was trying to get in here!¡± I saw the color slightly drain from his face, though he tried to sound confidently reassuring. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it, nobody¡¯s gonna get in here without the key. Sorry if somebody scared you.¡± That didn¡¯t feel very reassuring. This place was a safe haven, and all of the people inside of it surely praised it like a religious figure for their salvation. If there was something inside of that safe haven which threatened their safety, wouldn¡¯t they want to purge it? I wasn¡¯t exactly convinced. Why was I dangerous? Elijah and my never-named daydream were the only two people who knew I was anything more or less than slightly problematic. I just feel like I¡¯m breathing an unwelcoming air. There has to be a better reason. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I finished my lunch. ¡°Hey, Elijah?¡± He looked up over his book. ¡°What¡¯s up?¡± ¡°¡­.. everybody¡¯s mad at me about that boy dying aren¡¯t they? They all blame me for it?¡± He closed the book and stayed silent for a moment, but didn¡¯t look away from me. ¡°¡­¡­. I think it will die down. Patrick was¡­¡­. Patrick was a really good guy. He was a very¡­ load-bearing personality to everyone here. Everyone. I¡¯m sure they¡¯re just looking for anything or anyone to blame, you just got unlucky. I honestly do believe it¡¯s more my fault than it could ever be yours.¡± Of course that¡¯s why. I had showed up, killed a Saint, and called my saviors assholes. Who did I think I was? They probably thought I was the antichrist, coming to dismantle them from the inside. ¡°¡­¡­. was he your friend?¡± That was a question that I truly felt like Elijah would not answer. ¡°¡­¡­¡­. yeah¡­¡­. he was my best friend actually.¡± I felt like that girl had just plunged her knee into my stomach again. I was impossibly trying to formulate some way to properly apologize, when Elijah quickly got up and started rebinding my limbs. ¡°Elijah-¡° ¡°-Don¡¯t. I don¡¯t wanna have this conversation.¡± He grabbed my plate and his book, and swiftly left the room. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I shouldn¡¯t have seen him for another five hours, but instead, he came bursting back through the door after just fifteen minutes. He slammed it behind him. I was worried about the look that he had on his face. ¡°I want you to tell me right now. Do you have anything to hide about yourself?¡± There it is. I had almost convinced myself that if I focused on the problems of this new setting, I could forget about the past. I had offered my soul to God in order to be saved that night. I guess I wasn¡¯t getting off so easily. ¡°Wh-¡­.. what do you mean?¡± I saw Elijah curling both of his fists. He was pumping his heel as if he was boiling over with anxiety. ¡°She¡¯s gonna talk to you. She knows if you¡¯re lying. She always does. You have to be honest. Crystal fucking clear. If you¡¯re not, everything is just going to be so much worse. You have to tell the truth, no matter what it is.¡± Elijah was scaring me. I would come to find out that Elijah and I were very much not referring to the same thing I was possibly ¡°hiding¡±. I had been expected to admit something very different, but in my mind, this was the entire awful scenario slowly playing step by step again. He didn¡¯t wait for my response. He exited just as fast as he had bursted in. I was left feeling extremely nervous. Before that banging on the door today, I was feeling almost hopeful. My relationship with Elijah had made me feel comforted in such a bleak and tremendous confusion. I felt mentally back to square one. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Neither of us said a word through the afternoon routine. Elijah never once made eye contact with me. I¡¯m sure I didn¡¯t have to answer him earlier, he could probably tell by how nervous his warning made me. Innocent people don¡¯t get nervous. There was a terrible darkness approaching me again. Elijah left me alone for the night as I drifted in a whirlwind of dread. I wholeheartedly believed him about the living bullshit detector, it wasn¡¯t hard to tell that nothing could slip past her. I would have to tell it all. Every detail. I would have to unload that slow buildup to the worst mistake I¡¯ve ever made in my life. She would know. She would know how horrible I was. I¡¯m sure she would have to tell everyone, and when everyone knew, that meant Elijah would know. I cried myself to sleep that night. I guess I was getting better at it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Cody Camargo: Thirteen Days In Lucky number thirteen. I don¡¯t know if I¡¯m the only one, but I feel like people change whether thirteen is lucky or unlucky every singular time they mention it. Mine felt like it was very much unlucky today. Elijah and I didn¡¯t talk during my water breakfast. I tried to say ¡°thank you¡± before he walked out. I received no response. What a stupid feeling. It was like the feeling of coming into school after doing something dumb the day before, waiting for the call requesting you to the principal¡¯s office. Well, that, or sitting at home and knowing that you can¡¯t run. Knowing eventually there will be a knock at the door from¡­¡­ The door opened at lunch time. My lunch was not there, and it wasn¡¯t Elijah. ¡°I¡¯m gonna ask a question. If you say anything that isn¡¯t the answer to that question, I¡¯m gonna punch you in the throat. We¡¯ll keep doing that until I¡¯m satisfied.¡± I assumed that saying ¡®okay¡¯ to that would get me punched in the throat, so I stayed silent. She was holding a notebook, similar to the one I was originally recording in. I saw the bruise on her face. She moved to the spot where Elijah usually sat and leaned back against the wall, crossing her right leg over her left. ¡°What¡¯s the password to your phone?¡± Oh yeah, I had forgotten about it completely. What a great start. ¡°It¡¯s¡­ uh¡­ 022311.¡± She started jotting, and kept her eyes on the paper as she moved on. ¡°Full name?¡± I wasn¡¯t testing out the ¡°you already asked me that¡± route. ¡°Cody Lewis Camargo¡­¡­ L-E-W, not L-O-U.¡± ¡°Age?¡± ¡°23.¡± ¡°Date of birth?¡± I almost, almost, audibly ticked. ¡°February 23, 2011.¡± She sat silently for a second, before going back to writing. ¡°Shitty phone password.¡± I wasn¡¯t very creative, sue me (please don¡¯t actually). She wrote extremely quietly. Her absent desire to even look up at me was making me extremely uneasy. ¡°Race?¡± Was that important? I guess this was technically a screening but, does that sort of thing really matter here? ¡°Caucasian.¡± ¡°No shit, be more specific. Isn¡¯t Camargo Hispanic?¡± A storm was on the horizon. I could hear the wind slowly beginning to whistle. The name Camargo was long removed from its roots in my family. The last person that looked even slightly Hispanic was my grandfather. I guess they were all into pale women. I didn¡¯t share the same taste. ¡°It is Hispanic, but¡­. I don¡¯t really have much of that blood in me, my parents are white trash.¡± Her face wrinkled for a moment as she jotted. I read her eyes. Apple doesn¡¯t fall far from the tree. ¡°Latest form of employment, and current status, bar the obvious?¡± ¡°I was a bookkeeper.¡± ¡°More specific.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± My throat clenched as her angry eyes looked up at it, not my eyes. ¡°Just describe your job in detail. Setting, salary, day to day.¡± ¡°I¡­. It was at a chiropractor in Eastover. It was a place called ¡®Spinal Tapioca.¡¯ $16 an hour with dental insurance. I only went into the actual makeshift-office three days a week.¡± ¡°What days?¡± ¡°Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. I worked from home the other two. I would just prepay invoices, make excel reports and send them to our owners. Anything else was returning miscellaneous voicemails that the manager on shift didn¡¯t have time for, or any other random busy work that somebody like an intern would do. There was a lot of time at home where I was¡­. not very busy.¡± ¡°You were doing intern work as a business¡¯s bookkeeper?¡± ¡°It was a small business.¡± ¡°I can tell by that horrible name.¡± I smiled a little. She didn¡¯t look up to return it. ¡°You were still working there before you came here?¡± I paused. ¡°Umm, no. I had been fired a few weeks prior.¡± She stopped jotting for a moment, but didn¡¯t look up. ¡°Reason?¡± The beacon is pulsing in my stomach. The storm door is slamming on my porch. Wind chimes are flying off their hook. ¡°Legal allegations.¡± She looked up at me as I met those eyes for the first time since that day. They spread a solvent of bittersweet yearning through my veins. I was much too distracted by them to notice her confidence waver, as she was so obviously not expecting me to say what I had just said. ¡°¡­¡­¡­. Go on?¡± I didn¡¯t want to. ¡°¡­.. they¡­. didn¡¯t like what they heard, so I was fired.¡± I knew she could tell that I was stalling with that answer. Surprisingly though, she backed off. ¡°How many members of your immediate and extended family are currently living?¡± ¡°.. uh¡­. Mother, father¡­. two brothers¡­. step-father¡­.. probably step-sister¡­ I think that¡¯s it¡­¡± ¡°That doesn¡¯t sound like a lot. Do you know what extended family means?¡± ¡°Ummm¡­.. my dads cat might still be alive¡­¡± She looks up at me angrily. That was an honest to God attempt at a joke. I feel a phantom pain in my throat. She doesn¡¯t move, but eventually looks down again. ¡°Significant other?¡± I felt myself squirming in the chair. Not only because it was her asking that awkward question, but because¡­.. well¡­¡­ ¡°No.¡± She looks up. ¡°Ever had one?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°¡­¡­.. yes.¡± ¡°How many?¡± ¡°¡­¡­.. just the one¡­..¡± ¡°When did that end?¡± ¡°¡­. A couple weeks prior¡­..¡± ¡°Wouldn¡¯t happen to be the same ¡®fired from your job¡¯ kind of couple weeks prior, would it?¡± I guess she hadn¡¯t really backed off. Maybe I¡¯m just that stupid. ¡°I don¡¯t know how you want me to answer that question.¡± She pushed up from the wall and began walking towards me. She threw the notebook and pen aside to the ground, stopped in front of the table and glared down at me. ¡°Legal allegations, huh? For fucking what?¡± A window in my living room explodes. The wind is so full of rain as it¡¯s fucking the interior. Vases are shattering. Pictures are falling from the mantle. ¡°Murder.¡± She didn¡¯t seem to jump or even flinch from that statement. Instead, she just stared at me. Just stared deep into me as her eyes overpowered my perception of time. I could feel her thought process gauging into my skin like her teeth, ripping through my nerves. After what felt like five minutes¡­ ¡°Verdict?¡± ¡°¡­¡­. Not guilty¡­¡­¡± It wasn¡¯t a lie, but I knew she wouldn¡¯t accept it. ¡°You ever killed someone?¡± ¡°¡­¡­.. yes¡­¡­¡± ¡°Was that what you were on for?¡± I saved her some time. ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­. They ruled self defense¡­¡­¡­¡± She crossed her arms and turned around, walking slowly back towards the wall. She rocked back and forth, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. She spoke without turning. ¡°Was it your girlfriend?¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­ her sister¡­¡­¡± ¡°How and why?¡± ¡°¡­¡­¡­. She walked in on us¡­¡­ she got angry¡­. started hitting me and wouldn¡¯t stop¡­¡­.. I got angrier¡­¡­..¡± That was a lie, but it was easy to say since it was just as ridiculous as the truth. She didn¡¯t call me on it, because she doesn¡¯t know shit, and she¡¯s full of shit to pretend she knows when someone is lying to her. The same way Elijah was full of shit for trying to make me scared of her. She turned around and looked at me. Not exactly disdain, more like intrigue. ¡°Anything more to that than her not approving of you?¡± The wind carelessly guts my summer home, as its astronomical spiraling source slowly creeps up the driveway holding my housewarming present. I spoke with a new voice that was stoked with anger. ¡°We were in a bad place¡­ her sister knew it. They told each other everything¡­..¡­¡­.. one night I came over uninvited and¡­.. forced myself on her¡­. I wasn¡¯t trying to rape her¡­ I just dreamt in my head that¡­. if we had our first time¡­. It would fix everything¡­. She would love me again¡­¡­¡± Now she looked at me with disgust. If she ever did in the first place. ¡°So her sister sees you with her, probably screaming, and comes to help¡­¡­.¡± I prayed to God that she had enough as I felt myself on an edge. ¡°How¡¯d you do it?¡± I wanted to say it to her, but pulling it out of myself was like extracting a vital organ. There was so much attached to that bloody memory that I didn¡¯t want her to know, no matter how angry I was. ¡°¡­. I¡­¡­. I smashed her temple into the corner of the bedside table¡­¡­. it just¡­¡­.¡± I wanted to be done. ¡°No. Say it. Describe it.¡± I wished I could start crying. I tried to talk through the iceberg in my throat. ¡°It just¡­¡­ caved¡­.. I know that we¡¯re fragile but¡­¡­. It just sh¡­ shattered immediately¡­¡­ I felt it get crushed in my hand¡­.. she¡­¡­ she just went limp¡­¡­¡­¡­. I knew what it was¡­.. I knew what happened the second she dropped¡­¡­.. I had never seen¡­. I had never seen someone die, much less been the reason but¡­. it¡­ it wasn¡¯t like unconsciousness¡­.¡­ it was like she was double her body weight instantly the way that she fell¡­¡­..¡± I sat there heaving, getting more antsy by the millisecond as she stared at me, probably wishing she had thrown me out the second those two had originally requested it. ¡°Why were you in a bad place¡­. You and your girlfriend¡­. was it equal blame¡­¡­.¡± The tornado is forcefully prying the foundations from the dirt. Slowly, one piece of wood at a time, the house deteriorates in place, becoming one with the mass of its predator. ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­ she said I was being obsessive¡­¡­¡­ she wanted space¡­.. I didn¡¯t want us to have space¡­..¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t want her to have space. You didn¡¯t want somebody else to have her-¡° ¡°-SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! The house is gone. I didn¡¯t care if I was punched in the throat or anywhere else. I had reached a tipping point of insanity. I had to scream simply to distract myself from telling the whole truth. Even as I was white-lying through my teeth, that statement had made me see red. I extracted the non-essential emotion. ¡°YOU DON¡¯T KNOW! SHE WRAPPED ME AROUND HER FUCKING FINGER! SHE KNEW HOW EASY I WAS TO MANIPULATE AND SHE TREATED ME LIKE AN ANIMAL! SHE MADE ME OBSESSED WITH HER! SHE¡¯S A MANIPULATIVE LYING POWER HUNGRY WHORE!¡± ¡°Heh.¡± I was shaking as she started laughing. Not laughed, started laughing, and continued laughing, hard. She put her hands on her knees, as her stomach heaved again and again, laughing as if she had just lost her mind. My fists curled as it felt like her hyena howling was so massive that the roof was about to cave. She cackled through her mocking words. ¡°And yet¡­.. you were obsessed with her.¡± I began writhing in the ropes like it was an electric chair. Her laughing grew even louder. I had never said I was obsessed with her. I didn¡¯t even have to worry about telling the truth as my mind focused simply on my disdain for this woman in front of me. ¡°FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! I¡¯LL FUCKING KILL YOU! LET ME OUT OF HERE! GET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR! GET ME THE FUCK OUT!¡± She slowed her laughing. After staying silent for about thirty seconds, she looked back at me with that same look of hatred I mirrored for her. ¡°Don¡¯t worry¡­¡­ you¡¯re not staying here.¡± My storm is all there is. ¡°You sick little fuck.¡± My storm is all there ever will be. She exited the room, slamming the door behind her. Through the red, I looked down at the notebook on the ground. Not a single word was written. (Part five coming soon) Part Five ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª PART FIVE ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I white-knuckled the phone. ¡°Ed and Mateo will be there.¡± She didn¡¯t respond. ¡°Dad hasn¡¯t answered me, if that¡¯s what you¡¯re worried about.¡± ¡°I wish that could be what I was worried about, Diego.¡± I winced. She had never once respected my hatred for that name. ¡°It would be such an ignorant relief,¡± She swooned. Her voice was still that same awful alloy of disappointment and fear. I¡¯d known my place in her heart my whole life, but it¡¯s such a hollow sadness to know that your mother genuinely fears you. It¡¯s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. ¡°Please come. Please. I don¡¯t care about anyone else.¡± ¡°For what? To hear them disparaging you the same as they have been on Channel 6 for two weeks?! To hear them say it in person, right in front of my face?! To hear them accuse me of raising a-¡­ a monster?! To paint me as some kind of catalyst?! To hear her family damn me to Hell for bringing someone into this world that took their baby out of it? Is that what you want me to go through?! Please, as if I haven¡¯t been through enough.¡± I swallowed my backlash hard. ¡°¡­.. what if it¡¯s the last time you see me?¡± It was desperately dramatic, but marginally possible. I pressed the phone to my ear so hard that it burned. ¡°What. If?¡± She spat. He¡¯s so right. Who could possibly stand ¡°till¡¯ death do us part¡± with you? ¡°I¡¯M THE ONE WHO¡¯S BEEN THROUGH IT! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN THROUGH?! SHEDDING FAMILY ISN¡¯T PERSEVERANCE-IT¡¯S WEAKNESS, YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITE!¡± She stayed silent for a while. I wanted to shake her into clarity. I wanted her to give up the ghost of only acknowledging my existence when it was convenient. I was tired of being an inconvenience. Give me a chance. If you show me you care, I¡¯ll find a way out, and become someone who deserves the smile you show them. I¡¯ll be better, I swear. I swear to G- ¡°I hope they let you fucking ro-¡° I smashed the phone back onto the hook and slammed my fist into the wall. Fucking have it your way. Cody Camargo: Sixteen Days In After a couple awkward days of the silent treatment, this morning, I was fully untied for the last time. Elijah returns my phone, keys and wallet back to me, then props up his crossbow to lead me out of the room. I look back. ¡°You know you¡¯re killing me, right?¡± I said. He knit his brow. ¡°Shut up, dude. You don¡¯t think I know that?¡± I wish I hadn¡¯t asked him that. I wish I hadn¡¯t done a lot of things. A decision had been made by some kind of collective in Return and Exchange. A three day grace period was meant to heal my body as much as possible. I was well taken care of for the remainder of that time. That meant food, water, being allowed to piss outside of my pants, ice packs for my wounded areas, and, my personal favorite, not having the shit beat out of me any further. After three days of that hospitable holding, I was being asked to leave. Asked isn¡¯t a good word, forced is better. I was to be permanently outlawed from the community. They wouldn¡¯t harm me, but if I came to the entrance again, the gate would not be opened for me under any circumstances. Cody Camargo had been officially exiled. I truthfully don¡¯t feel that much better, but my body is the least of my concerns. Today is the day. I¡¯m about to reunite with the mysterious open. It will most likely end up to be a very short meeting. New objective: Get fucked. I knew that I most likely stood no chance out there. I could¡¯ve felt physically better than I had in years, and it wouldn¡¯t change the fact that I was walking to my death. I was considering my options, and the thought of ¡°suicide by Elijah¡± was exceedingly comforting in comparison. I almost had the balls. I opened the door to the holding cell with Elijah behind me. I had seen the area slightly in front of the entrance from people opening the door, but I hadn¡¯t seen the outside world since I first fell unconscious. You know, the outside IKEA anyway. ¡°Okay, just up this alley a little. You¡¯ll see a bend that you can follow into town.¡± Town. I should¡¯ve probably known with the prospect of so many people, but this place must have been pretty impressive. I had seen it while running, and I knew it was shocking from sheer size alone, but I never would¡¯ve truly guessed the reality. It was¡­. incredible. Picture it: Sicily, 2034. There¡¯s no ceiling, and instead of sunlight it¡¯s just an uncanny fluorescent daytime. Despite that, you¡¯re looking at entire three story houses. It¡¯s like a town square got sucked up into a vortex and smacked right in the middle of this thing. Hell, maybe it strolled in on its own and got lost like me. The houses are obviously piecemeal of random materials, but the level of craftsmanship is unbelievably immaculate. People built this? That¡¯s¡­.. well, just add it to my list of suspended disbeliefs. The floor was somewhat choppy, but all composed of the same shopping market marble tiles. I guess they had somewhat uprooted it. It looked like there were lines of torches across the rows and alleys of buildings. I assumed that those were the source of the soft warm light pollution after dark. Whatever electricity may very well be here, it probably disappears along with the lights at 9:00 PM. The centerpiece seemed to act as a town square. There was a giant granite fountain at the heart of it all. Covered in an array of fake plastic foliage. Fake and plastic isn¡¯t what I should use to describe it though, because it was really pretty. It was the first thing in here that didn¡¯t feel off. It didn¡¯t feel otherworldly, or AI generated, or posing as human. It was radiant in such a hopeful way. Ironically, in a place so alien, I guess it looked alien. About as alien as I must have looked to the town full of people that I found staring at me from porches and windows. I seriously doubt that anyone who knows the IKEA joke has never seen the opening scene of Skyrim. It was pretty much like that. It was nice to have my wrists unbound, but I was still a publicly known outlaw. A terrorist being led by gunpoint through the streets of men and women who stared me down with disgusted fear. A criminal of war, if you can call that ass kicking a war. Or maybe the stampede to the entrance had been the war? I feel like I¡¯ve been through a war, that¡¯s all I know. I was truthfully surprised that I didn¡¯t see more people after I had been told of the towns¡¯ population. The lights hadn¡¯t gone on very long ago. I suppose most of them could still be sleeping, if that was possible in such an abrasively luminescent environment. I recognized only a couple of faces as I passed. I had probably seen at least fifty people that night, but most of their faces had surely been bashed from my memory. I saw the first mate swordsman of the Straw Hat pirates leaning against a wall with his arms crossed. What did I hear her call him? Roman? I¡¯m glad that he wasn¡¯t the person I had a fight with. I saw Elijah¡¯s ¡°buddy¡± looking over with a concerned face. She wasn¡¯t even looking at me, she was clearly just keeping an eye on him. A-fucking-dorable. A face I knew I hadn¡¯t seen belonged to a super skittish boy with eyes that were way too wide. It didn¡¯t look natural for human eyelids to open that wide. He was slightly twitching, so I assumed he had some sort of tick. It¡¯s surely insensitive, but that kid freaked me out. I imagine if those monsters had faces, they might share his eyes. Sorry, ¡°The Staff¡±. Two children were around from what I could see. A boy that looked around fifteen, and a girl that was maybe a year or two younger. They both whispered to each other from behind a sign that said ¡°Pantry¡± as I passed. A middle aged burly man in a black t-shirt was smiling at me whilst standing in front of a bizarrely shaped building. I noticed a significant birthmark-esque splotch that leaked down the length of his right arm. He was smiling at me softly. It was¡­. creepy. Not annoying or infuriating, just creepy. I sensed it might have been intended to be comforting. Trust me, it wasn¡¯t. I was about to stop people-watching when I saw the face of Robert. I had a feeling that of all the people who had gathered for my departure, he was the happiest to see me go. He wasn¡¯t smiling or anything, but I was just exaggerating facts in my head. I suspect he hated every new arrival that wasn¡¯t the return of his daughter, but I had the extra cherry on top of the golden boys¡¯ blood being all over my hands. What if he had seen Patrick as ¡°the son he never had¡± or some shit like that? I doubt he would flash a smile around me on laughing gas. I wondered if smiling was even possible for him. Come to think of it though, assuming he was the happiest was foolish. I didn¡¯t see the girl who had been crying that night. I¡¯m not sure what Patrick was to her, but I don¡¯t think it mattered. I was glad I didn¡¯t have to meet her eyes again. Someone I did see was¡­¡­. Ugh¡­.. this fucking guy. ¡°Just keep walking towards that alleyway on the far side. You see the one?¡± ¡°Yeah, the one with the asshole sentinel?¡± ¡°Just ignore him. You know he¡¯ll say something. Don¡¯t make an already shitty situation worse¡­ please.¡± Far to the other side of the town square, Sean was leaning against a wall, staring me down with his arms crossed. He wasn¡¯t frowning or stoic like most of the others. He had a pristine shit-eating grin ripping through his cheeks. Infuriating-box most definitely checked. I tried to look at other things on the awkward walk up, as I was much too aware of his eyes on me the whole way. The douchebag was probably hard as steel. ¡°Leaving so soon?¡± He said. I was a couple steps away from him. I really tried to walk past him silently and not make things harder on Elijah. ¡°Guess the talk didn¡¯t go too well, huh?¡± But on the other hand, fuck this guy. I turned around, about to put my fist right through his eyes, before I felt the tip of an arrowhead on my skull. ¡°I said, just ignore him.¡± Elijah looked at me with pleading eyes. They certainly didn¡¯t match the stern tone of the guy holding a gun to my head (Gun, crossbow, you know). I put my fist back down, shaking to try to control myself. I was just about convinced to calmly let it go. ¡°You heard him, keep walking. You¡¯re gonna be doing a whole lotta that soon, ya better get used to it.¡± Fuck it, I hope Elijah shoots me. I¡¯d rather die than be out there anyway. At least I¡¯ll go out punching this fuck. I swung, and a strong grasp caught my fist, quickly pushing Elijah¡¯s crossbow away from my head with her other hand. ¡°Walk.¡± She commanded me. Sean chuckled a little as the girl threw my fist back to my side for me. Goddammit. ¡°Sorry not sorry, but what the hell are you gonna do if I don¡¯t?¡± I taunted. I hear a safety release click as a gun swipes from her waist to my head. I don¡¯t mean a crossbow, I mean a fucking gun. All of a sudden, there was a beretta on my temple. ¡°You think that was the worst I could do back there? I¡¯ll keep you here if you really wanna stay so bad. We can do that shit everyday.¡± She said. An embarrassing deep part of me itched from hearing her say that with a gun to my head. I don¡¯t wanna talk about it. Sean snickered (Who the hell snickers?). I curled both fists and spat towards him on the ground. ¡°No thanks, I¡¯m sure you¡¯re busy having fun with this stupid bastard anyway,¡± I said. ¡°She is-¡° ¡°-Sean. Shut your mouth,¡± She said. I didn¡¯t want to understand those two. Her and him? Really? Seems like a fittingly bitchy pairing if anything. She looked at him for only a moment as he kicked off from the wall and began walking away, never wiping that stupid grin off of his face. I turned back to her. ¡°How do you have a gu-¡° ¡°-Who the hell said I was answering your questions? Get to the fucking gate.¡± ¡°Once again, or what? You¡¯re not allowed to hurt me.¡± She looked up towards the non-existent ceiling as if praying for composure. I don¡¯t think she received it. As she glared back down at me, I wondered what it would be like to have her look at me in any other way than down her nose. ¡°I¡¯ll try to make this clear. I could riddle both of your legs into paste the second you¡¯re outside of that gate, and casually go on about my day. You would not be walking out of here let alone walking if I had my say.¡± Geez, I guess my chances weren¡¯t great. Nothing new, but it hurts here a little more. ¡°Fuck you and your wannabe Alexandria anyway.¡± I walked past her without waiting for her to drop the gun. ¡°You alright?¡± She asked Elijah behind me. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯ll take him. Sorry you had to jump in.¡± ¡°It¡¯s cool, just don¡¯t let him do anything stupid.¡± I doubt anything could be more stupid than walking into this fucking place, maybe I would have rather died. No, that¡¯s obviously a lie. Those screams from Patrick, I¡¯ve been hearing them in my head for awhile now, and I definitely don¡¯t want to find myself in a similar position. It¡¯s crazy how close I probably am to being there. After walking through the alleyway for a minute, I came out to a familiar scene. The giant handles reminded me of the horrible night of my impossible escape. Around the door on either side, metal scaffolding seemed to be welded into the wall, leading all the way up to the top. As ladders stretched up the sides, they met on a high observatory platform that stretched the length of the wall. I guess that¡¯s where Elijah had been when he heard me screaming Bloody Murder. Standing by the gate was the tag team duo I had seen fighting the staff that night. It was a black girl and a¡­ Vietnamese boy? Taiwanese maybe? They saw me and shot to attention, looking to Elijah for instruction. ¡°Do you want us to¡­.. handle the door ourselves so you can keep the bow on him?¡± The boy spoke up. ¡°Uhhh, that¡¯s okay. I think N-¡­. I think she¡¯s got it handled.¡± Starts with an N, huh? Good to know, not that I¡¯ll ever have the chance to get the rest of the letters. I looked back to see that she was still watching me from the alleyway with a firm grip on her gun. I was willing to bet that she was a fantastic shot with it. The Andrea to my Alexandria. That would make me Spencer. Well, even Spencer almost had it in at one point. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m getting anywhere with¡­ Sorry, references aside. Elijah threw his crossbow around his back, and walked over to the other two. They gripped the handles to the giant door and began to push. Almost like some stupid PTSD, I went into shivers as I heard that enormous sound. I felt it vibrating the ground beneath my feet. My knees were almost buckling. Slowly, they wrenched open the maw of the wall, and my eyes took in the endlessly stretching abyss once again. I hadn¡¯t remembered how scary it was to not see the other side that probably didn¡¯t even exist. It¡¯s like looking towards the open ocean as you¡¯re about to drift into it helplessly, no telling what horrible things reside inside of that repetitive infinity. I guess I had been standing still with those thoughts for quite a while. ¡°Hey.¡± I turned around to see her right behind me. ¡°Get out before I throw you out-¡± ¡°-You¡¯re already throwing me out, just give me two goddamn seconds¡­. fuck¡¯s sake¡­¡­¡­¡­¡± It felt like urging myself to jump off a cli-¡­woah, deja vu. I turned back around. There wasn¡¯t a lot I could do. I¡¯m sure the option to drop to my knees and beg wasn¡¯t as absolutely fruitless as it seemed, but¡­. I just couldn¡¯t. I¡¯m still myself, and everything that comes with that. I had earned that brand of everything, and I would have to let it follow me around with at least some realistic semblance of dignity. Even so deep in the guts of this annoyingly lucid fever dream. One step at a time. I looked towards Elijah as I passed. He was looking at the ground sheepishly. Another punch in the gut, all¡¯s well that ends well. Truthfully, I really had become exceptionally good at walking as of late. Just start the motion and let your body take over (for anyone who doesn¡¯t know how walking works). Once I started, the rest was taken care of. Even despite the pain in my rib (and left wrist, and head, and right shoulder, and face), I moved with hastened tunnel vision. I didn¡¯t even halt or turn as I heard the door slowly closing behind me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I walked for about ten minutes before finding the damage the staff caused that night. A trail of dissembled carnage led me back to the bed. The cavalcade I aroused that night had created a hurricanes¡¯ aftermath. A disheveled and strewn about wasteland reminded me of the current state of my bedroom in the real world. It all felt very appropriate, even though, to be honest, I felt like there should¡¯ve been even more destruction than there was. Weird. I looked around the bed. The pole, the clock, and the notebook were all where I had left them. Thank God, even the water bottles and soda I was carrying with me were sitting beside the bed. I grabbed the pole, feeling the tiniest bit at ease in a place where I definitely should not have felt that way. It felt like reappearing at my last checkpoint with a renewed knowledge of what was to come. Knowledge was not exactly feeling like power, but I was happy to have it. I sat on the bed with the notebook and pen. I tried my best to remember everything that had happened over the past week or so, and added it to the record. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª So, once again, you¡¯re basically caught up. I may have enhanced a pretty fair deal of my descriptions of Return and Exchange (for the sake of my autobiography), but none of it is truly inaccurate, just a tad bit exaggeratedly colorful. Yes, it really was breathtaking. Yes, it really was full of safe and normally-proportioned people. And yes, holy shit yes, I really did get my fucking ass kicked. That¡¯s probably the most accurate part of the recollection, given that I can still feel the event unfolding on my body. I took some time mentally kicking myself for accusing Elijah of giving me the concussion that I was clearly gifted by gravity. I then remembered that he had kind of lied to me about the girl, jumped to the conclusion that he probably lied to me about a lot of other things, and was able to forgive myself pretty quickly. That¡¯s an ability I should practice more. Coming back to this feels nice. I hadn¡¯t realized, but the writing is really fun. Now, maybe that¡¯s just because I¡¯ve spent a week sitting in an empty room where I literally could not even twiddle my fucking thumbs, but it¡¯s more than that. It¡¯s not just time-passing, it¡¯s enjoyable. Enjoyable isn¡¯t a good word. Relaxing is better. That being said, that ¡°references aside¡± bullshit? That¡¯s gonna stop immediately. I¡¯m stranded in an eternal prison that I am obviously running out of ways to describe uniquely, so I¡¯m going to actively make an effort to cram in every single cringey and unnecessary reference that I want. Thanks for reading! Hope somebody¡¯s reading¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Sitting down on the bed and writing it all down brought some sort of solace to me, but not nearly enough. I finished writing and looked at the clock. 7:12 PM. I was hungry. I was given no materials or resources to aid me on my journey, just myself. Just abandoned. I would have to fend and make do with that. I needed to find another caf¨¦, but I absolutely could not risk venturing out this close to curfew. With the new knowledge of my environment, I knew I needed a place to hide for the night. Under the covers was not going to cut it. I had water still, so that would have to be my dinner. It wasn¡¯t a loaf of bread, but it was more than I could ask for at the moment. Total lie. I could ask for quite a lot. I walked around for a little while, making sure to keep an eye on the clock and be prepared for when the lights go out. I stayed quiet, checking all of my surroundings as I moved, and kept my ear open for the sound of any less than agreeable passersby. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I found a pretty big armoire. This thing is even taller than me. Not that I¡¯m trying to say that 5 ''9 is tall, I¡¯m just specifying its height, which of course has no emotional effect on me whatsoever so it¡¯s not even worth mentioning. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Um, anyway. Looks like I can fit inside of it. I think I¡¯m just going to have to wait it out. I can¡¯t fit the water with me, and the clock seems to end up poking me in the ass no matter where I put it or what position I¡¯m in, so I¡¯m leaving them outside on a table. Based on their visual similarity, I wonder if the employees pick things up like Endermen. I¡¯m holding onto the pole and my phone for sure. I close the door softly behind me. I wish I was in a bed, this scrunching up is definitely not what my posture needs right now. My rib is fucking burning. I don¡¯t know how to deal with that. I would probably go into a fetal position in my sleep if I had a bed, so I might have destroyed it anyway, but I was awake for this. There¡¯s really no comfortable position to sleep in here, broken bone or not. It doesn¡¯t matter, I would rather be uncomfortable and alive than not uncomfortable because I can¡¯t gauge whether or not I¡¯m comfortable when I¡¯m dead and have no sense of feeling in any way, shape or form. Oh God, what if those things keep you alive? Like, what if they cause you just enough pain to make sure you don¡¯t pass out, and then let you heal so that they can do the exact same thing with your retrieved body the next week? I assume that¡¯s what the girl would¡¯ve done to me as well. I guess I¡¯m just going to have to play the quiet game. I don¡¯t know how well a thing with no ears can hear, but I¡¯m willing to bet that it¡¯s a lot better than I think. The squeak of one of those water bottles could have been the death of me. Pathetic. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Lights went out. My only source of light that was seeping through the door cracks just disappeared. All right, place your bets. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Well, I can¡¯t really sleep. I¡¯m way too on edge. I would¡¯ve probably been able to sleep in one of these before if I couldn¡¯t find a bed or anything, but not now. Not after knowing what¡¯s out there looking for me. I just don¡¯t want to let my guard down. I¡¯m gonna be honest here, I don¡¯t know how much I can even do if my guard is up when things go wrong. That makes me feel the tiniest bit more relaxed, simply for the fact that it probably makes no difference at all no matter what I do, and it¡¯s almost completely pointless to even waste my mental-energy stressing about it. I don¡¯t understand. Nobody seemed to believe that I spent four days out there without seeing those things or being killed in my sleep, and after seeing what ¡°The Staff¡± looked like, I don¡¯t believe that shit either. So, why am I alive? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I don¡¯t have the clock, so I succumbed to checking my phone. 11:42 PM. Looks like I¡¯ve got 8% battery left. Not bad for over two weeks without any type of charging. I don¡¯t even think it was at 90% when I first walked in. That being said, it was definitely above 50% when I had entered Return and Exchange, and I¡¯ve barely touched it since leaving. Those assholes left me the car on one mile from empty. Oh shit. What if she had been the one to look through my phone? I¡¯m sure that¡¯s what they used it for, why would she ask for my password otherwise? It had to be to investigate me. I mean, it¡¯s possible that they wanted to try and get service to call for help, but you don¡¯t spend that much battery trying to do that. Also, I¡¯m sure they¡¯ve been here long enough that none of them were putting any eggs in that basket. I don¡¯t care too much. I didn¡¯t have anything incriminating on my phone anymore. Nothing more incriminating than that confession. The most incriminating thing would probably be my recently deleted folder. Jesus Christ. I know every guy is the same, but I really hope she didn¡¯t look in there. It is truthfully a tiny bit excessive. 7% Was there even a point in preserving it now? Maybe it should go out on a high note. I briefly thought about¡­ using myself. Maybe it would help me sleep. Not that I¡¯m a marathon runner or anything, but I don¡¯t think the battery would last long enough. More importantly, I never know when I¡¯ll need the flashlight. To even have the choice to use it for five minutes more when necessary is too valuable. MOST importantly though, I had been in control of my own liquid consumption for the first time in almost two weeks today, and I had almost drunk enough water to drown my brain cells. My noble little companion was a little more focused on the fact that I really had to pee. God. Fucking. Dammit. When did my existence become a shitty Sims horror mod? I can¡¯t go outside. I can¡¯t. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Maybe if I just like, take it really slowly. Trickle by trickle out of the smallest crack of the door so even the stream wouldn¡¯t make any sound. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I couldn¡¯t see a goddamn thing, but I didn¡¯t hear any wet footsteps. I open the door the tiniest little crack. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It takes me around seven minutes to feel like it¡¯s all out. It didn¡¯t feel satisfying. My bladder wasn¡¯t in pain anymore, but it didn¡¯t really feel like I had let it out rather than edged myself for an annoyingly long period of time. Good enough. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I can¡¯t really hum. I¡¯m not risking it. I¡¯m silently tapping my finger on my side while Magdalene plays in my head. I don¡¯t even feel like I¡¯m getting tired. It¡¯s so suffocating in here. I¡¯m not really claustrophobic, but I hate the feeling of not being able to stretch your limbs when they¡¯ve been stuck in one position for so long. Maybe that is claustrophobia to a degree, but I just feel irritated more than I feel like I¡¯m in any state of trapped panic. On that note, despite how open it is, this whole ¡°building¡± is pretty suffocating. I wonder if staying in my bedroom for the rest of my life would¡¯ve even been any different. Those same four walls until the day I die didn¡¯t sound that much different from the dizzying infinity that this place proposed. Certainly not any different from this fucking wardrobe. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m showing up in Narnia any time soon. Telling is my silence. Blurring my horizons. I guess I really am somewhat terrified. It¡¯s such a massive silence that it¡¯s beginning to be loud. It¡¯s slowly revealing this harsh ringing feedback in my eardrums. That sound is so threatening. So, ding ding ding, infinite. I know I had noticed it in the early days, but I think I forced myself to be so caught up in distracting furniture that I didn¡¯t think about it. I¡¯m still caught up in thought like a fucking bear-trap, but for the most part, every thought is in some way pertaining to that deafening silence. It¡¯s the same as it was before, but it feels so much worse now. Only because¡­. I know that I¡¯m not really waiting to fall asleep. I¡¯m waiting for the silence to be broken. With such an absolutely barren void of sound, it takes such a thin and faint little pluck to shatter it into a million pieces. Even if it¡¯s so far in the distance that it feels like it¡¯s a world away. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª But it¡¯s not a world away. Not anymore. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª My heartbeat matches a double-time pace of the constant footsteps in the distance. From how far away it is, it¡¯s like small little raindrops tapping on a window ever so slightly, but every time it steps, the raindrop gets a little bigger. Every time it steps, the wind curves sideways the tiniest bit more, and the raindrop splatters against my window the tiniest bit harder. Slowly, the rain becomes heavier and heavier, until I can feel its reverberations through the floor right outside of the armoire. It keeps walking as I curl my body in my arms, fighting harder than ever not to let a single follicle of skin shift even slightly. For about two minutes, the footsteps repeat at a constant volume, but sound as if they¡¯re not moving in any direction, just stomping in place right in front of my hiding place. What the hell, dude? Am I not entitled to a good night¡¯s sleep? This is rough. I¡¯m struggling to keep my mouth shut and breathe through my nose. I don¡¯t scream when getting scared, but I just feel like I need to right now. I have this pure-liquid emotion of antsy fear rolling up and down in waves through my throat. If I were to open my mouth, I don¡¯t think I would be able to control it. Finally, the raindrops slowly got quieter again, as I felt my white knuckles slowly destress around my knees. The footsteps slowly began to distance themselves. I guess that hiding was possible. Good to know they didn¡¯t have some kind of X-Ray vision¡­¡­¡­ right? I patiently waited. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Smaller raindrops. Smaller raindrops. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The footsteps sounded a pretty far way away again now, almost to where I was only hearing every other one. I trusted myself with opening my mouth. That was a mistake. I let out a small shaky sigh. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It was like a machine rudder with a giant piece of flesh caught in its gears. The pounding machine gun ran back towards the armoire, covering what had to be about a half a mile of ground in three solid seconds. I felt a tear roll out of my eye. The footsteps stopped right outside. It had to know I was here. Was this it? Was it going to smash its head through like Jack Nicholson? Crush me with another heavier piece of furniture? Sit here waiting forever until I opened the door so it could grab me? I mean, it didn¡¯t even see me in the first place. Did it really know I was here, or am I just rightfully paranoid? What was it going to do? Better question, what the fuck was I going to do? Oh God, what if it never moved? I knew it was still there, but I didn¡¯t hear any movement whatsoever. It must¡¯ve been staring right at me. My heart was practically making me choke as it skipped seven beats for every eighth one. I heard a forceful footstep land directly in front of the door that seemed to shock it back into tempo. I started silently praying. I think I had worn out its effect by now, but it was better than waiting with my dick in my hand. Apparently it still worked a little. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I don¡¯t think I could describe the sound properly if you gave me a thousand years. It was all over the spectrum. Low, high and middle. It sounded maybe miles away, tens of miles even, and yet I felt the hum of it inside my chest. I heard the rapid footsteps of the staff member rocket away from my small sanctuary until they disappeared. I kept breathing shallowly through my nose, despite the fact that my brain was demanding more and more oxygen, and I felt myself falling into a swoon. I guess I should¡¯ve thought of doing that earlier. Nighty night! ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Waking up was weird. The realization of surviving the night before didn¡¯t hit me for about five minutes of snoozing with no memory of falling asleep from asphyxiation. I knew I was still in an IKEA, but I had momentarily forgotten about my close encounter. The small stream of light bled back through enough for me to make out my own scrunched up body. My lone form of protection was still clutched between my legs (the pole, obviously). I was hesitant about opening up the door, but everything seemed silent again. I¡¯m sure those things didn¡¯t breath, so I guess my hesitation stemmed from the fear that there was one of those fuckers standing directly outside and I would have never known. But once again, I needed to eat. The reasoning resurfaced that I was going to have to step out at some point anyway if I didn¡¯t want this to be my final resting place, so why waste my own time? ¡°I¡¯m coming out, you cocksucker.¡± Just for good measure. A gray fist didn¡¯t come through the door, so I worked up the courage to finally step outside. Ploosh. ¡°AHHHHH!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The sound of a wet footstep had scared the positively living shit out of me. I guess I do scream when I¡¯m scared. It took me a couple seconds to realize that it was my own footstep, and I had just placed my shoe directly into my piss from the night before. My face turned red with disgusted embarrassment. I was extremely happy to wake up alive, but still fairly annoyed that the smell of ammonia was now all over my right foot. What a great start to the morning. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Cody Camargo: Seventeen days in. I picked up my water and clock, and set off to find some breakfast. 9:54 AM. That¡¯s right, bitches! Breakfast! Early morning breakfast! BAM! I would be so happy with myself right now if every other footstep wasn¡¯t sticking to the ground. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª My side hurts a lot. It¡¯s getting gradually harder to walk. I know a broken rib is serious, so I should¡¯ve also known that it wasn¡¯t going to heal fast, if it even healed at all. Looks like a new companion has joined us on the journey. Everyone meet my friend: Side-splitting anguish! ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Feel like I vaguely remember having a wet dream of an emergency exit door last night. Sexy. I should suffocate myself to sleep more often. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Weird string of thought. Shouldn¡¯t my piss have dried? I know that seems pointless to ask, but instead of it being wet, it should¡¯ve just been a sticky yellow splotch at that point, right? Am I wrong? It¡¯s almost like there¡¯s no evaporative property going on. I¡¯m not a scientist, not that it takes a scientist to understand evaporation, but doesn¡¯t that seem weird? I¡¯m only thinking about it because I¡¯ve realized that I can¡¯t feel any descriptive temperature here. More intelligent folks would probably use the term ¡°room temperature¡± for that, but I have personally never experienced a room-temperature room in my life. It seems like I¡¯m either too hot or too cold in almost every enclosed space. I¡¯m sure you can see where I¡¯m going with this. I have not thought about the air temperature for even a second since I got here. I guess there¡¯s no weather. Well, maybe there¡¯s no shifting climate, but shouldn¡¯t there at least be, I don¡¯t know, clouds here? Do I have to remind you what I see when I look up? I might as well be outside. I could go down a paradoxical rabbit hole about whether or not I think an infinite expanse with no weather should even be providing me oxygen, but I think it would crack my little acorn. Just a thought. Grain of salt. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I looked in a mirror just now. Not like the last time I looked in one, but maybe that¡¯s because the sight of my face snapped me to attention immediately. It wasn¡¯t pretty, and that is to say that it¡¯s never pretty, but this was pretty bad. I looked like I had just had my wisdom teeth removed, but they had decided to drug up my forehead and nose as well as my gums. My entire face looked like it had been airbrushed with a hazy purple, with one entirely blood red left eye. What a fantastic artist she was. I felt mangled. Elephant man in the face head-ass. I realized I had found the kid with the wide eyes creepy, but I was not currently a sight for sore eyes myself. Maybe he had actually been making that face because he was horrified just from the sight of me. It¡¯s always great to know that you¡¯re somebody else¡¯s nightmare fuel. Fun times. I inspected the bandage on my left wrist. I was scared to see what it looked like underneath. I gritted my sensitive teeth as the adhesive pulled at my bloody arm hairs. Elijah had changed my bandage, and painfully disinfected the wound a couple of days after my second ¡°interview¡±. Back then, it had looked so raw and exposed. Now, the inner wound had healed a fair deal, but the circle of ¡°skin¡± still looked like a transparent mess of pulp. Her teeth marks were still branded around the border. I would have to find another material to bandage myself with, as just the slightest swipe of my arm felt like someone was spraying an air pump onto my nerve endings. I lifted my shirt to examine my stomach. A repulsive purple splotch was placed directly above the problem area. The same color as her eyes. It was a lot less beautiful of a color when it was spreading over my rib cage. It was unsustainable to keep ignoring it, and I knew I needed to treat myself. I wasn¡¯t a doctor, but I wasn¡¯t about to wait for it to get worse. ¡°Maybe I¡¯m not your type, but that¡¯s just unnecessary.¡± I mumbled to myself. The situation was a little bit more complicated than that, but the vibe was very much ¡°fuck that bitch¡± at the moment. I smashed the mirror with my foot. I didn¡¯t want any glass shards or anything, I just didn¡¯t feel very happy with it. FR?CK Another piece of furniture successfully destroyed. I should start keeping a tally! Just kidding. The tally I¡¯m already keeping of each consecutive worst day of my life is enough for me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I grabbed the thickest cloth napkin I could find in an incredibly cozy dining room and gingerly wrapped it around my problem area. I untied two blue ribbons that were situated on the corners of the family memo board, and tied them tight around either end of the napkin on my wrist and forearm. I looked back to the board.
  1. Flour
  2. Eggs
  3. Milk
Do you live on pancakes and pasta dough, or did you somehow forget to buy the only three essential things you look for in a grocery store? Maybe it was actually the name of their three children, ranked in order of the parent¡¯s preference for each. They would still be better at naming humans than Elon Musk. I grabbed an eraser, cleared the board, took a piece of chalk, and began writing. I finished and stepped back.
  1. Butter: Gone, but never forgotten.
  2. Flour
  3. Eggs
  4. Milk: Missing? Who cares¡­
¡°That¡¯s better¡­.¡± I stared at it for a while before sighing and walking away. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I don¡¯t regret punching that girl. I¡¯m glad that all of those people are trapped in this living hell. I¡¯m not sad that Robert lost his fake daughter. This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience. I¡¯m not sad that Patrick died. I¡¯m certainly not sad that Elijah¡¯s sad because of it. Fucking interview. What kind of stupid fucking game is that? What kind of self important douchebags would tie someone to a chair, take their phone and take their-¡­¡­¡­ I reached into my pocket and took out my wallet. I slightly slid out my driver''s license and stared at it. Stared at the name that didn¡¯t say ¡°Cody¡±. The name that she had definitely seen already by the time that I had told her that it was ¡°Cody¡±. ¡°GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!¡± I turned around and threw my entire wallet as far away into the infinite distance as I could. It probably wasn¡¯t very far, but it¡¯s the thought that counts. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I had the inspiration to climb up on a relatively tall bookshelf. I¡¯m practically disabled, and there wasn¡¯t any ladder, so I felt like I was playing an incredibly clunky QTE check. It was sturdy, but not enough to put me at ease. My legs quivered as I slowly and shakily brought myself up to a straight posture on the top. Such a dumb risk that would not be worth the negative or positive reward. No helpful employees in sight. I wonder where they go in the daytime. How do so damn many show up when the lights go out? Do I need to start placing torches down in here or something? How had I gone four days out in the open without encountering one? Elijah said I would¡¯ve been killed in my sleep. I believed him, even though I had no desire nor evidence to. Was I just that lucky? Not exactly an attribute I¡¯m known for. In the far distance I spotted a caf¨¦. It would be a long walk, but I was glad to know that I had a method for finding them now. Looks like breakfast. Alright, back to walking! ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I don¡¯t l know how to describe what¡¯s going on in my head. I think I¡¯ve hit a dead end. Not physically (I wish), just in regards to the rest of my life. Do I even have a rest of my life? Rest of my week maybe. I¡¯m not very skilled at adapting under pressure. There¡¯s no practical way that I can keep on successfully hiding myself every night. I know that people find a way, and adjust to anything if it means survival, but my determination is basically neutered. Even if I knew I could constantly survive like that, like this, how long will it be before I go insane? More accurately, before I get fucking bored? This isn¡¯t living, this isn¡¯t even surviving. This is nauseatingly awkward tedium. From that angle, it should be pretty depressing, right? I just don¡¯t feel like I¡¯m depressed. Not anymore. I¡¯m not really sure why. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª 11:47 AM. Lucy, I¡¯m home! Where¡¯s my food? I looked around for the baked ziti. It¡¯s basically lunch now, and despite my hunger, I didn¡¯t feel like soggy eggs. Feels strange to have the ability to turn my nose up at food right now. It¡¯s nice to be able to just casually scrounge up some fiddles. (what?) I found the ziti, or what looked the most similar to it. I filled up two plates and sat down for about two seconds before deciding to get up. Fuck this goddamn fucking uncomfortable ass fucking chair. I went and found a much more comfortable loveseat and pulled it all the way back to the table. The painful labored lugging was well worth the near-orgasmic feeling of laying back fully into the cushions. My mouth felt a little healed, but it still wasn¡¯t very comfortable to eat. My jaw felt loose, as if any bite too hard would unlatch it on one side. I ate extremely slowly. I delicately mushed up my meal and thought about my next move. My thoughts wandered to the next couple days rather than the next couple hours. Maybe I could build my own walls, my own outpost shelter. Uhhhh, fat chance. I couldn¡¯t build you an empty room with fucking Lincoln Logs. I looked at my meal and suddenly felt extremely empty. Not sad, just¡­¡­ longing. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I think I know why I¡¯m not depressed. Return and Exchange has given me at least some form of hope. A beacon of light in a storm of gruesome banality - well, I guess the idea is somewhat original when put into actual practice. I was putting together hopeless thoughts, and coming to pessimistic conclusions about what was in store for me. The truth is, behind those thoughts, I didn¡¯t feel hopeless or pessimistic at all. I actually think I feel the best I ever have in here. Is that weird? Seeing that place full of a thriving diverse people, it just makes me think that even something as ridiculously hopeless as this could be okay. Somebody as ridiculously hopeless as me could¡­.. You know, to be determined, but the possibility is there, no doubt about it. Of course it won¡¯t be easy, but who said it would be? I know I¡¯m in a really bad spot, but I feel pretty good. Please believe it though, I¡¯m still terrified of the future. The thing that¡¯s given me hope has also rejected me, so I guess that¡¯s where the longing is coming from. I¡¯ve been left completely to my own devices. The last time that happened, I ended up waltzing myself into an infinite IKEA. The time before that¡­ well¡­ Let¡¯s just say my recent track record wasn¡¯t great for making my own decisions. That being said, I made one for the time being. I would stay away like I was told, and I certainly wouldn¡¯t come crawling back begging for forgiveness. However, I felt more than a little frightened by the idea of venturing too far away from the vicinity of R&E. As long as I could still see it when I climbed up onto a bookshelf, that felt comfortable to me. Just a little mental safety raft to cling onto. In the meantime, I guess I do just have to figure out what living means in a place like this, because that is what I am prepared to do. Live. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Yeah, super heartwarming stuff. Really quick, didn¡¯t want to distract from the point earlier, but I wrote ¡°what¡¯s in store for me¡±, and I wanted to point it out for anyone who didn¡¯t think I was saying it intentionally, because I need everyone to get every single joke I make with a zero percent exclusion rule. I¡¯m actually just gonna start giving a little signal when I¡¯ve just said something in a way that I think is calculatedly comedic. I¡¯ll just say something like, I don¡¯t know, it should only be one word¡­¡­. How about I literally say haha, like actually just write the four letter word ¡°haha¡±. That seems super dumb, but I think it¡¯s better than saying some Dean Scream-esque zinger that is GUARANTEED to sap the life out of anything that it follows. Given the amount I¡¯ve hemorrhaged recently, it¡¯s come to my attention that I don¡¯t bleed comedy. I know the greater amount of situations I would be using this for are probably not very funny, but I think it¡¯s nice to recognize that my one remaining form of clutching to sanity is giving me a pretty good laugh. Although, maybe that¡¯s due to the fact that I can root out and name my one remaining form of clutching to¡­ sanity¡­¡­.. I guess that¡¯s not very funny¡­¡­. Anyway, get it? What¡¯s in store for me? Because infinite store is infinite? Haha. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª 1:53 PM Alright, back to living. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª After using a self-poured puddle of water to clean off my shoe, I got the smallest pillowcase I could find and walked back to the caf¨¦. I stuffed it with ice cubes, and gave it some pressure against my rib as I winced. It started leaking within about ten minutes, but it was working for the pain a bit. So melting works here? Maybe I truly just don¡¯t understand evaporation. I failed meteorology despite how attractive my teacher was. More likely given how attractive my teacher was. After filling the beverage pillowcase back to the brim, I ventured out. Also, call it gross, but I filled two empty water bottles with as many peas as I could crush up into slop. I thought it was pretty clever if I don¡¯t have the opportunity to get to a caf¨¦. I admit it might feel less clever when I¡¯m sucking crushed pea sludge out of a plastic water bottle. Now that I¡¯m holding the ice pack, I¡¯ve got the pole through two belt loops in my pants like a sword in its sheath (I would later find out that it was an extremely bad idea to have it hooked to the same side as my broken rib, but at the time, I felt way too cool to even consider it). I don¡¯t want to go back to the same specific armoire from before. I have a lot more time now than I did last night. I want to try and find something a bit more spacious. I¡¯m not sure how much more spacious I can get, considering that most of the pieces of furniture here are probably not made to fit an entire human body, but you never know with the Swedes. Welp, I¡¯ve got nothing but time. Let¡¯s go shopping! ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Hey¡­¡­.. so¡­ I thought I should probably make a quick formal apology for not telling you anything about¡­.. what happened before. I didn¡¯t feel it was contextually necessary at the time.. even though I repeatedly eluded to it like an asshole. I didn¡¯t want to focus in on it. I genuinely never thought that I would end up in a situation where that information was going to be dragged out of me here. Even if I had, starting an introduction with that¡­.. I don¡¯t know if anyone would still be here. I¡¯m really praying to God that anybody at any point in time is here. Please. I¡¯m only saying it now because I want to tell you what happened at some point, I¡¯m just not ready. There¡¯s more to it than it seems, I just don¡¯t think it¡¯s important enough right now to justify me reaching into that snake pit. I should¡¯ve told you, warned you, I don¡¯t know, something. If you feel disgusted with me in any way, I don¡¯t hold it against you. Hope you¡¯re still here with me. You¡¯re kind of all I¡¯ve got. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª All right? Okay. That being said, I should take the tiniest bit more care of the reader to show you that I¡¯m not just bullshitting there. Let¡¯s make a deal. Anytime I¡¯m about to write something that would warrant me saying ¡°references aside¡± after any more than one sentence (anything that a singular person may not get if they aren¡¯t sharing the exact 1:1 list of things I would typically allude to when the opportunity arises), I¡¯ll put some bookends around the statement. That way, you won¡¯t have to ponder whether or not I¡¯m just rambling in my echo-chamber-circle-jerk kind of way, and you¡¯ll just know for sure that I am most definitely doing that. No need to waste your time and energy questioning it! I feel like that¡¯s pretty helpful here¡­ Although, I could start throwing it around randomly on surface level statements just to mess with you. Just kidding, let¡¯s give an example. Key: (RA)=References aside=Some serious bullshit spewing ahead=Feel free to gloss over this Ahem (Should I stop doing that? Shut up, you only get one thing at a time). The photos in an infinite IKEA are easily divided into two categories. Everything is either fake people, or what a computer thinks a skyline shot of New York City should look like. (RA) The only exception to that are these wannabe artsy expressionism paintings that look like knock-off Sigur R¨®s artwork. (RA) Alright, get it? Pretty easy right? See, I placed the (RA) indicator right where I started and stopped equating the paintings I¡¯m seeing to something you would probably see on an album cover from the Icelandic post-rock band Sigur R¨®s. They aren¡¯t exactly underground or anything, but I recognize the definite reality that the vast majority of people reading this may very well have no fucking clue who that is, let alone what would qualify a painting as being similar to their visual aesthetic. And in case you¡¯re wondering, yeah, my penis is shriveling up into my pelvis with discomfort. I did it for you, so sorry if it sounded condescending. Sorry, that sounds condescending too. Whatever, just know that I¡¯m unhappy for your sake. Thanks. Let¡¯s move on. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I picked up a book from a bookshelf. So weird. It was just like Elijah said. Yeah, it was crafted and formatted to look like a book, and there were obviously words, but they meant nothing. It wasn¡¯t like the book was written in hieroglyphics or anything, but it was like someone had just used a random word generator and put one word after the other 120,000 times. Shit, if I can do it, anyone can. Jury¡¯s out on whether I¡¯m properly doing it or not. I¡¯ll give you a little sampler. Here¡¯s an excerpt from the genius workings of Jake Jonathan¡¯s ¡°My olive glass death?¡± (Not sure why it¡¯s a question, but I¡¯d read it). ¡°Something like fresh looking paint on inert eyes, includes whether color can contact time, THE TWELVE MAY BOTH SLEEP!? The sponge will cut weight fake if you try the car splatter. Ticking ticking and tucking. Blood in the head despite our families spitting warm hot heat. HERE! WAKE!¡± (Jonathan 49). Strangely poetic. Strange if anything. I hope it¡¯s actually a fake book and I¡¯m not insulting a real world author. I¡¯m sure somebody out there would call it brilliant, so Jake Jonathan can disregard any criticisms I have. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Nicole? No, she doesn¡¯t look like one. Nancy? Kind of an ugly name. Hate to say it to any Nancy that might be reading. Noelle? Naomi? Both sound nice, but I¡¯m pretty sure she¡¯s hispanic. I don¡¯t know how to narrow down what determines a hispanic name. Natasha? Nina? Maybe I didn¡¯t hear Elijah say a vowel before it? Anita? Annette? Anastasia? That¡¯s a terrible name, so gaudy. Annabelle? Annabelle is kind of pretty. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I saw a picture frame that had the phonetic alphabet on it. I jotted it all down on a page in the notebook and tore it off to stick in my pocket. I don¡¯t know when I¡¯d ever need to use this, but it couldn¡¯t hurt to have it, right? Here¡¯s to hoping that it¡¯s accurate and not randomly generated. I have no way of knowing. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Come to think of it¡­ I wonder if any of these pictures are actually of real people. More so, I wonder if any of them were real, but aren¡¯t anymore. Maybe every time someone dies in here, their face gets added to some roulette shuffle wheel that plasters one of them on a random body in these super corny candid shots. I guess that¡¯ll be me at some point. Drinking wine in my bedroom. Sitting by the brick campfire. Driving my Jeep on the beach. Playing monopoly by the sunset. Wearing flower crowns with my daughter. Camping on a mountain with my wife. My arm around her waist, my cheek against hers. Smiling like I couldn¡¯t stop if I tried. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª That would be a nice place to end up when I die. Sounds like a very forgiving Hell. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Oh shit, I got a little bit lost in thought just now. I¡¯ve been walking for a while, not really focusing on looking for a place for the night. I wasn¡¯t even paying attention to my direction and started seeing Return and Exchange again. I turned to the right to not have it in my eye-line. I wonder what people did before that place was built. In order to build it, they must have already had a shit ton of motivated people. Surely they all weren¡¯t hiding together in an armoire every night. Maybe they defended in shifts? Like hell I would be able to sleep like that, even if I had the trust that I know I¡¯d never have for another human being. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Still though¡­¡­ I think I would trust her. I¡¯m not exactly a formidable opponent, but she more than proved that she¡¯s capable of defending herself. I could trust her to defend me. That would be kind of nice. Somebody is kicking my ass and she jumps in out of nowhere. She has a weapon, but she doesn¡¯t even use it. She just takes out her bare fists and steps between us. ¡°You need something, dickhead? I¡¯ve got it covered when it comes to kicking this kid¡¯s ass, so I definitely don¡¯t need anybody else to do it for me.¡± She looks back at me, as her hostile exterior softens just the tiniest bit, a way she would only show to someone that she really cares about. ¡°Hey, you okay?¡± I smile back with my nose and mouth bleeding. ¡°Yeah¡­.. now that you¡¯re here¡­¡­¡­.. this guy doesn¡¯t have shit on yo-¡° ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Bump. ¡°Oh shit, my bad, man. Sorry about-¡° Holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit holy fucking shit. Holy fucking shit. I walked right into its back. I stared up at the back of its bald head as it shot around to look at me. With no eyes. ¡°AGHHH!¡± (Like a girl). Alright, back to running. I don¡¯t even remember what direction I ran relative to where the thing was. Away? I just bolted it out of there. My side felt like it was gonna explode, but I wouldn¡¯t stop running if you fucking paid me to. New rule: No more daydreaming. How had I not seen it? Was I that lost in thought? Goddammit Goddammit Goddammit. I deserved to be killed, how could I be so stupid? I can barely even run with this rib, not like before. That thing will catch me like it¡¯s no probl-¡­. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Actually, I can¡¯t really hear it chasing me. I took the risk of turning around while still running. It didn¡¯t look like it was there. I mean it obviously wasn¡¯t right behind me, but I didn¡¯t even see it in the distance. Did it not want me? Did I run fast enough to lose it? I seriously doubt tha- Whoops. Guess I missed a stair. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Wait, what? Stair? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª There were a couple things that made the fall pretty bad. The pole smashed into my bad side a couple times before ripping the belt loops out by the seams. The water bottle pillow slammed into my head and exploded around me. My head stretched so close to the wrong way about three times. Everything of mine stretched so close to the wrong way, repeatedly, for about forty-five seconds straight as I tumbled downstairs. Downstairs. I was so close to coming to grips with this place. So fucking close. Instead, I came to grips with the basement floor. The chaos finally ended at the bottom, as I coughed on the rest of the wind that somehow hadn¡¯t been quite knocked out of me. ¡°What the hell¡­. just happened¡­¡± Something around my stomach area was bleeding. Probably my stomach. I assumed the metal spiral of the notebook had nicked me where I had been keeping it under the front of my pants. I felt pretty shitty. In a matter of forty-five seconds, the greater part of the healing I did over the past week was basically undone. I wonder if I can sue this company. I still have my DIY wrist bandage, so I¡¯ll hold my lawyers off for now. I lifted my head a little. I could sort of see the ground in front of me, and some furniture surrounding, but it was very clear that something was different. I could barely make out anything in a sudden encompassing darkness. I struggled to stand. Struggled isn¡¯t a good word, failed is better. I lifelessly draped myself over the arm of a couch next to me as I looked around. ¡°¡­ oh you have got to be fucking kidding me¡­.¡± The source of my fall was the biggest escalator I had ever seen in my life. I don¡¯t have a ¡°Top Ten Biggest Escalators¡± list or anything, but I was pretty sure it was. It came down from the ceiling with a¡­.. Ceiling? Good lord, where do I even start here? Okay. Dark room. Pretty sure it¡¯s much too big to be called a room, but I can¡¯t tell how big it is since the only light is coming from the small opening in the ceiling. There¡¯s a ceiling. It¡¯s still pretty high, but not anywhere close to the stratosphere. Out of the hole in that ceiling, an incredibly steep escalator is descending towards the ground. It looks like there¡¯s another one right next to it that goes upwards. I just tumbled down it violently. I¡¯m bleeding. Everything hurts again. My phone is still in my pocket, but my clock, pole, and icepack are gone. Water bottles are like snowflakes everywhere around me. Did I mention that it¡¯s really fucking dark? I think that¡¯s about it. But it¡¯s daytime? Or you know, hours of operation time? I know that the lights are still on up there, because it¡¯s one of the only things that I can see in this place. This place¡­ Okay, I get it already. I¡¯m just about over the ¡°charm¡± of this dollar-store Dante¡¯s Inferno. There¡¯s levels to this shit? Is this level infinite too? Is the amount of levels infinite? (RA) Did I end up in a chapter of ¡°BLAME!¡± somehow? (RA)(I know it¡¯s a bad time, but there you go.) Every thought was a mess in my head, but one peered through the rest. In case I hadn¡¯t already mentioned, it was dark. Bad shit happens here when it gets dark. I was definitely not in good shape. The last time I felt like this, I was on the floor of the holding cell, but this was not the same. Being on the floor here was like sleeping out in the open, and that was NOT an educated guess. I was trying to ignore it, but I could hear the familiar sound everywhere. I was in a nest. A very angry nest. I think I¡¯ve discovered where they all go in the daytime. I pulled my phone out of my pocket. The screen was cracked badly. Pressing the power button showed that the LEDs were crushed and colorfully glitching over each other. I was still able to flick on the flashlight. It probably had the good five minutes that my self restraint had earned me before. I shined it around. I just found more eerie dark isles as far as the eye could see. The only difference from the layout upstairs was that I noticed a lot of the furniture to be in outstandingly bad shape. Everything looked like it was on its way to the incinerator. It was like the surrounding wasteland of a nuclear fallout, but with everything still in proper order of a room display. It was as if everything had been obliterated without ever being touched. That was weird, too fucking weird. Weird in a way that set off a switch in my brain I wasn¡¯t happy to discover I had. I¡¯ve gotta get out of here. Okay then, focus. This isn¡¯t too bad. You have a way out of here. Don¡¯t worry about the unknown, don¡¯t get lost in thought, just get yourself out of the situation and worry about it keeping you up at night later. That opposite escalator is going up. Just crawl over there and let it do the rest of the work. Don¡¯t let the end be this stupid. I let go of the comfortable support of the couch and slowly forced myself to stand. Look, you did it. Now just walk. The wooden crashing directly to the right of me let me know that it was far too late for that. What a shame. I let myself fall back limp to the ground, as the giant body of the staff member tumbled over the couch and me in extension, barreling across the floor. It went a fair distance, but was still basically right next to me. I was still in overwhelming pain. It, on the other hand, seemed to be in perfect health as it wasted no time returning to its feet and focusing towards my pathetic body on the floor. Come on. Do something. As it barreled towards me, I couldn¡¯t find any sudden urge of strength bestowed upon my limbs. My body had more or less given up, and I couldn¡¯t blame it. At some point, enough surely had to be enough. I was exhausted of energy and options. Even the idea of praying sounded redundant as its massive figure loomed over me. Is this really it? Everything went so wrong so fast. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°RUFF!¡± Delirious? Yeah, I was, but I know what a dog sounds like. A big dog. The staff member turned around quickly towards the source of the interruption. I struggled to find the ability to move. I looked through its legs to see that a Tamaskan wolfdog was standing angrily behind him, growling low and menacingly. Um, dogs? Sure, why not? ¡°RUFF RUFF!¡± The staff member bolted around towards it, as the dog immediately shot to the left, way faster than its already incredibly fast pursuer. They were gone from my sight quicker than I could process. Sadly, my line of vision was almost immediately refilled by two more Staff from the halls opposite, revealing themselves into the hollow spotlight of the opening. They both were fixed towards the commotion just the same as they bolted towards the dog. ¡°RUFF RUFF!¡± Did I have a guardian Angel? Amen. I finally brought myself up onto my elbows, just enough to be able to properly look around again. It was a feverish sight. The Tamaskan was herding the staff like they were cats after a laser. Slowly, more and more spilled out of the aisle pores. There had to be at least twenty of those things chasing after that dog. One of them slipped on a water bottle and scrambled around on the floor like a spider on its back. I realized I was staring in a daze when a staff member pounded directly past me with no regard for the much easier target that I definitely was. I shook myself back to attention and struggled to not make a scene as I went back to using the couch for support. As I forced myself upwards, the flashlight illuminated behind the couch. There you are. The pole was lying on the ground just around the back, slightly stained with a blood that I assumed was mine. I touched my stomach with my left hand. I felt the notebook, as my fingers met a sticky liquid that seemed to be coating it. I pulled it out of my waist. I was lucky that I kept the used pages away from me, as my blood had soaked through about ten empty ones on the opposite side, now all smeared into one as they clung to each other with my fluid. I placed the notebook back in my waist and began skirting around the edge of the couch. My canine savior continued barking up a storm as I struggled to slowly bring myself to a crouch. I grabbed the cold edge of the pole in my hand, and was just about to rise. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I heard giant footsteps right behind, and could feel the presence towering above me. I slowly turned my head and flashlight around to see the hellish figure shadowing my body. I would be shaking if I had the energy. It was looking directly at me, but its head was twitching violently. ¡°RUFF RUFF RUFF!¡± It was just standing there, shaking. Its arms were ferociously active. It looked like it had Parkinson¡¯s. It must have seen me move my head, it knew I was alive. I don¡¯t know if that¡¯s something they even cared about, but it knew. ¡°RUFF RUFF RUFF!¡± I realized the true terror of the creature I was staring at. I had obviously seen them before, but just staring at it now was grisly. I couldn¡¯t imagine ever dreaming of something as realistically horrible as this. Maybe H.P. Lovecraft could think up some more twisted incomprehensible shit, but this was comprehensible, and I comprehended that it was something fucking awful. ¡°RUFF RUFF!¡± I think the dog had it stunned. Stunned isn¡¯t a good word, conflicted is better. I think it was having trouble deciding whether it wanted to rip me apart, or to run towards the obnoxiously loud mutt that was taunting it wildly. I surely had to be the better option. Definitely the easier one. What the hell was stopping it? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª My flashlight went out. That wasn¡¯t even three minutes, but I guess I¡¯m out of juice. Thereafter, the staff member quickly made their decision. ¡°SIR!¡± I get it, it¡¯s the light. Maybe they don¡¯t work on a schedule. Maybe they tell when the store is closed by whether or not the lights are on. Does any small source of light or absence thereof just confuse them? That one up there had taken its time to turn around, and still didn¡¯t even chase me. They must only be violent in the dark. The dog might have been an okay distraction before, but this guy was most definitely in the dark. A lightsaber would be nice right now. Well, I settled for what I had. I figured I should probably do something besides sit still if I was going to die. Maybe I¡¯ll take some dignity with me to the afterlife. Pretty sure that¡¯s one of the only things I can¡¯t take with me. So¡­¡­ Um¡­ I don¡¯t know¡­. Thanks for letting me make it this far I guess¡­. I feel like I learned a lesson. I think I can take that with me. I dropped my phone and grabbed the pole with both hands, channeling every possible bit of strength I had left in my body into the swing. Every breath I could¡¯ve breathed. Every time my heart could¡¯ve beat. Every word I could¡¯ve said. Every better thing I could¡¯ve done. Every second I could have lived as such a more fulfilling version of my disappointing self, all went into that swing. The pole was just long enough to make full contact with its non-existent face. There¡¯s my whole life in landing a hit. I wonder if it would make her proud. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Well, the asshole didn¡¯t even flinch, so I seriously doubt it. Haha. I¡¯m the worst. Its arms stretched towards me as the horror of its image spun my equilibrium to ribbons. It was such a horrible picture to die to. I wanted something else. Anything else besides the portrait of this paper-thin demon reaching out to swallow me. The voice in my head had already been imbibed by its gruesome majesty, as an unintelligible wailing was all that filled my cerebral. I couldn¡¯t even make contact with my own internal dialogue. In that small moment, it was like I was already long gone. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª However, my luck, stubborn son of a bitch that it was lately, wasn¡¯t so eager to give up the ghost. Thank God I sacrificed all of my charisma and intelligence for it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª A wooden table post clonked across the back of the staff member as it turned around angrily. ¡°Eat lead, you stick bug fuck.¡± An aluminum baseball bat came down into its head. Like, really down into it. Like, made a valley all the way down to the neck. Not sure that¡¯s the way that catch phrase usually goes, but eat it he most certainly did. Would it be ¡°eat aluminum¡±? Surely that wouldn¡¯t have sounded as cool. Sorry, off topic. The body toppled back and into me as I stumbled backwards against the couch. The weight of the corpse fell limp over my head and chest. It was so fucking heavy. Yeah, the body was tall, but way too thin to have been that heavy. It was a familiar heavy. I wriggled in disgusted discomfort. Its skin felt rough. Not quite sandpaper, more like leather. It was so cold. Too cold to have ever been warm. I wanted to get it off of me more than I¡¯ve wanted most things in life, but my nerves were much too weak. I felt the weight lift off of me, as my hero pulled it away and threw it to the side. ¡°What the hell is wrong with you man?! You want me to let you two cuddle in peace?¡± He whispered. The mans¡¯ clothes were in bad shape, ripped up and covered in bizarre stains. His facial hair looked perfect for a Tom Hanks Castaway cosplay, totally unlike the members of Return and Exchange. The outcropping¡¯s lowlight was just barely illuminating his facial features. His eyes looked tired, but also wild. Like he hadn¡¯t slept in weeks, hopped up on something a human body should never ingest. I had learned my lesson up there about appreciating a favor. ¡°I¡­ holy shit¡­.. thank you-¡° ¡°-Shhhhh.¡± ¡°¡­.sorry.¡± ¡°I know you are, go on and get up.¡± ¡°Could you¡­ give me a hand with that?¡± He rolled his bloodshot eyes and scowled, reaching down to me. I grabbed his hand, and forced my legs to work as he brought me to my feet. ¡°You think we can get up the escalator while the dog has them distracted?¡± I asked. He looked at me like I had just shit in a desk drawer at IKEA. ¡°That deathtrap?! Hell no, they guard it like it¡¯s the President. I¡¯ve seen how quickly those things scramble up it. You wouldn¡¯t make it even halfway.¡± ¡°W-.. what? So¡­.. am I stuck down here?¡± If I didn¡¯t already feel dumb enough this week, his looks were certainly doing it for me. ¡°What are you, joking? I don¡¯t think I need to answer that question for you. You certainly don¡¯t look healthy enough for it to be your first day.¡± I mean, I did just fall down what looks like a 1,000 foot high escalator, but whatever. ¡°Shit, well, what do we do?¡± ¡°Can you walk?¡± Fuck you. ¡°Um, kind of. I can limp.¡± ¡°Good enough, follow me. Quietly.¡± He began walking cautiously into the guts of the aisles, slowly disappearing from the already insignificant light of the opening. ¡°Shit, hang on.¡± I didn¡¯t know how easily raising my voice would draw their attention to me, but I¡¯m sure he didn¡¯t hear that, and I wasn¡¯t about to repeat myself. I turned around and bent down, completely aware that I might not be able to get back up again. I grabbed my phone and put it back in my pocket. You never know. I grabbed the pole off the ground in my left hand and used it to push myself back to my feet and help me through the darkness. The complete, and I mean so complete, and utter darkness. I hadn¡¯t had to deal with this darkness face to face for a while. I wasn¡¯t very happy to not see it again. Haha that shit is not funny ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I could still hear the dog going ballistic in the ever increasing distance. I was using the pole as more of a white cane within about thirty seconds to make sure I didn¡¯t walk into a dresser. I couldn¡¯t see my own hands let alone if the man was still ahead of me or not. I couldn¡¯t even hear his footsteps. ¡°Hey, you still there?¡± I called out as softly as I could. Two hands were placed on my shoulders. Pff. ¡°Dammit dude, did you shit yourself?¡± He whispered behind me. ¡°You scared the shi-¡­ fuck out of me. I thought you were one of them-I just got nervous.¡± ¡°Gross, don¡¯t do it any louder than that again or they¡¯ll probably hear your ass... figuratively. Just keep walking forward and I¡¯ll tell you when we¡¯re there.¡± That was fairly embarrassing despite the circumstances. I tried to pretend it didn¡¯t happen by focusing on the black plane that was slowly swallowing my sanity. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The dog wasn¡¯t barking anymore. I wish I could¡¯ve thanked it. No chance I would still be breathing without its help. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Just a little further.¡± He said. I felt kind of giddy, like I needed to let out a good belly laugh. I guess I¡¯m starting to lose the game. I falter slightly as I feel the ground beneath my feet become slightly pillowy. The man pulls on me gently to make me stop walking. ¡°Don¡¯t say a word, don¡¯t make a sound, don¡¯t even breathe too deep until I say that it¡¯s okay. Stop holding that pole outwards. Clutch it to your chest. Turn to the right and walk until I give the word. Roll your feet.¡± I did as I was told. I guess somebody had put blankets down as a directional indicator in the darkness. Some kind of silent landmark was way better than walking into a table. Clever. The man placed a little bit of pressure on my back to urge me forward again. I walked slowly, more from pain than by choice, and treaded quietly in the darkness. There was no trace of light. No bleed from the opening in the ceiling was reaching anywhere near here. It felt like I was walking with my eyes closed. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª- ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª- We walked for what felt like ten minutes, but it was probably more. I was trying to mentally play The Only Moment We Were Alone in my head, but I only remembered the first four minutes. It was hard to focus on retrieving my memories with a wall of vantablack nothingness crawling militaristically into the wrinkles of my brain. I guess when he said ¡°Just a little further¡±, that meant more like ¡°Just a little further to the place where we turn to keep walking for however long I feel like it without telling you." Whatever, I wasn¡¯t about to be ungrateful. I did consider asking how much longer we had, but I didn¡¯t like the idea of breaking the one rule the much more well abled person had set for me. It¡¯s not like I was bad at walking or anything. I was, however, exceptionally bad at not talking. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯m genuinely surprised to this day that I didn¡¯t scream at the top of my lungs when I felt something obviously alive brush against my leg. He must have felt me jump in my skin as he clutched harder onto my shoulders. He leaned to my ear. ¡°Relax.¡± I tried to, but my nervous system was becoming gradually more comparable to an overheating pylon. The moving mass brushed my leg again on the other side. It felt soft. I¡¯ve felt that feeling before with my father¡¯s dog. Dog? This wasn¡¯t the one from before, was it? I heard it stop barking. I hadn¡¯t heard it yelping or anything, but how could it have made it out of that without them all following it? Was that possible? I kept walking, but reached down with my right hand. My palm met the soft fur of its back, as my nerves immediately fell calm again. Good dog. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°See that light?¡± I definitely did not see shit. I squinted in what was still endless black. Nothing. I shut my eyes tight, hoping that eventually they would adjust. I stopped walking and slowly opened them to see the difference. Just the tiniest outline of furniture in front of me revealed itself. A soft maroon glow. ¡°When they open the top, you have to go fast. Don¡¯t worry about the sound, none are close enough right now to catch you, but they will be if you don¡¯t move.¡± How he possibly could know that there were none nearby would be news to me. ¡°Open the top? What do you-¡° The soft maroon glow became a blanket of red to my light sensitive eyes, as it spilled over the ground and pooled around my feet. The source was a below-ground hand lifting a tile from the floor about ten steps ahead of me. ¡°What did I just say? Hurry the fuck up.¡± I snapped out of my suspense, and rolled my feet over to the opening. In the light of red, I could see the dog scamper ahead of me towards it. I tried to control the sound of my groans as I crouched down to the floor in front of the gap. I saw the hand of the man behind me grab the edge of the panel, as the one holding it up from below disappeared. ¡°Go on, they¡¯ll catch you.¡± ¡°Catch m-¡° Alright Cody, maybe not a great time to ask questions. The dog hopped happily and gracefully through my legs into the small opening and disappeared. I worked myself onto my ass and let my legs dangle into the hole in the floor. I heard some kind of impact coming from down inside the hole about the same time that I began to hear a storm of breaking furniture approaching in the far distance. I had a quick thought about whether or not this was a bad idea, and whether or not I should be trusting every person I meet here simply because they¡¯re also human and also trapped in an IKEA. As I heard the first heavy raindrop of a Staff¡¯s footsteps, I decided that I didn¡¯t have the luxury to dwell on that. Geronimo! Pole in hand, I scooted forward and pushed myself upwards, tossing the weight of my body into the opening. I shut my eyes and winced at the horrible feeling of inertia being ripped away from me. It was about a full two second fall before I felt myself falling into a bundle of arms. I didn¡¯t rip ass that time. ¡°We gotcha, you¡¯re alright.¡± A gentle female voice said. I was definitely energetic enough to be shaking now. I guess I felt a little better after walking off that 1,000 foot tumble. I felt my body being thrown to the ground as I dropped the pole. I think I was probably supposed to plant my feet, but I was too off kilter and shell shocked, so instead I fell face first into the rough ground. ¡°Shit, sorry about that.¡± A somewhat shaky male voice said. I heard the impact of another body falling into the arms behind me as I turned around. I could see a flashlight suspended to the ceiling of what seemed to be a small dark hole in the ground. There was a red blanket wrapped around it, dulling the flashlights volume and painting the light with its same bloody hue. The red glow illuminated the small outcropping that I now found myself in. Okay, let¡¯s see what I can do for you here. Dark room. Much smaller, definitely not infinite. In fact, fairly claustrophobic. Walls look scabrous and, really, aren¡¯t even walls. Every edge of the room kind of just slopes into the floor, which also isn¡¯t really a floor rather than just where the bottom of the room is. Kind of egg shaped, but with a jagged and randomly chiseled shell. Did I mention that it¡¯s dark? Well it is, but the red glow of the flashlight was enough to show me the contents of the room. There were five people standing in front of me. That included the man that had saved me from the escalator feeding grounds, three other men, and one woman. None of them looked any better for wear. From the look of four of them, I would expect a fifth to be dragging their knuckles on the ground with a massive¡­.. (Does that reference land, or do I need to RA that? I¡¯ll get the hang of it. They all looked pretty fucking bad is what I¡¯m trying to say.) One of the unfamiliar, male, walks quickly up to me. He¡¯s young, maybe only a year or two older than me at the most. ¡°Are-¡­. Are you from upstairs?¡± Upstairs? The dark nightmare up-hole upstairs, or the only slightly less nightmare up-escalator upstairs? ¡°Well¡­. I guess so, yeah.¡± My savior spoke up, as he removed two bottles of water, which I assumed had been mine, from his coat pockets. ¡°Back off em¡¯. He busted his ass falling down the stairs, he isn¡¯t here to save us.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know that! Did you talk to him about it in the middle of bringing him here?! Do you have any reason to believe that he can¡¯t?!¡± ¡°Christ, Nick. Look at him, he¡¯s fucking battered. I just barely saved him.¡± The boy, Nick, looked me over with pleading eyes. His fists were curling shakily. I had seen myself in a mirror recently, and I definitely didn¡¯t look like a hero. If anything, I probably looked like a pretty big let down for anyone who was hoping for salvation. Eventually he looked back up to my eyes with a dejected face. ¡°WHY?!¡± He yelled. One of the other men ran up and grabbed him by the arm. ¡°Would you shut your mouth, dude?! What the hell is wrong with you?¡± He demanded. Nick relaxed in his skin slightly, but only in a crestfallen relent. My savior looked from the two of them back to me. ¡°What the hell happened to you anyway?¡± He said. ¡°That can¡¯t be all from the fall, can it? You look goddamn terrible.¡± Tell me what I don¡¯t know. Also, how am I supposed to answer that? How about¡­ ¡°I also fell off a bookshelf trying to find a caf¨¦.¡± He raised an eyebrow at me. ¡°Tall bookshelf?¡± I mean¡­ ¡°Fucking tall enough.¡± Tall and Brunette. ¡°Are you sure you can¡¯t save us?¡± Nick barged back in to ask again. Hello? I just got here. ¡°Jesus, Nick. What are you expecting, the fuckin¡¯ A-Team?¡± The man holding him asked. I didn¡¯t like the way that he talked to him. I spoke up as politely as I could. ¡°Um, look, I¡¯m not really sure what you even mean by that but¡­ I would guess the answer is no¡­¡­¡­. I¡¯m sorry¡­¡­¡­¡± My savior moved away and began pacing, as Nick looked to the ground with a heartbroken expression. Heartbroken isn¡¯t a good word, broken is better. I looked around at the other two. Neither of them were looking at me. Both were looking downcast in different random directions. I didn¡¯t know what this hole was, but it didn¡¯t feel like a nice place. Even whilst blinded with a whole new universe of confusion, I had felt at least moderately relieved whilst being hauled into Return and Exchange. I basically felt like I was still out in the open here. ¡°Um¡­.. thank you guys for letting me in¡­¡­¡­. are um¡­¡­. are the staff not going to be able to get down here?¡± The woman looked up to me in an incredibly awkward fashion. ¡°The panel is bigger than the shaft¡¯s opening. It can only open from the inside. Not like they could grip onto it anyway,¡± She said. Cool. Nice to know that their dexterity isn¡¯t solid enough to beat me in a game of Jenga. Through the legs of the woman, the dog emerged and ran up past the five towards me. It looked down to me on the ground, and stuck its nose in my face, staring right at me. ¡°Uhhhh¡­. Hey boy.¡± ¡°Girl,¡± The otherwise silent man corrected without looking at me. She sniffed me a little bit, and then paused silently. I think I was being interviewed for the third time this week. This one went a lot smoother, as she licked my cheek and panted happily. ¡°Girl¡­.. hey girl¡­ thank you for saving me. I owe you one.¡± She gave a small squeak that I heard as a proud ¡°you¡¯re welcome.¡± Cute, why the fuck is a dog here? HOW the fuck is a dog here? And I mean simply from a practicality standpoint. Speaking of practicality¡­ I looked around the room a little more. This place doesn¡¯t look like a shelter. It¡¯s just¡­ a hole. There was a metal bookshelf that looked like it was on its last leg in the middle of the room. Besides that, I can¡¯t help but notice that the room seems, honestly, completely empty. Except for¡­. are those¡­. uniforms of the staff piled up on the floor? I didn¡¯t know exactly what to say to these people at this point. Should I just address the elephant in the room? Why is this kid so badly looking for someone to save them? You usually don¡¯t need salvation if you¡¯re doing okay. Well, I guess that¡¯s a concept which has always escaped me, so what do I know? ¡°Hey, are you guys like, trapped in this hole?¡­¡­. Did I just trap myself in this hole with you?¡± I asked, truthfully a tad bit sarcastically. The man still holding Nick gave me a quite certain ¡°you¡¯re a dumbass¡± glare. ¡°You think we¡¯re trapped here? How dumb can you be?¡± He spat. Now hang on just a second¡­ ¡°Okay so¡­..¡± When I said empty, I meant empty. This was not Return and Exchange, this was a desolate pit. No beds, no homes. This looks like a place that just happens to be here, not a beacon of survival. ¡°Why are you down here?¡± I asked. I didn¡¯t get an answer to that question as everyone stayed silent. The woman awkwardly stepped forward slightly after that long silence. ¡°Hey just relax, okay? um¡­. I¡¯m Anne Marie, you already know Abel (motioning to Savior), this is (motioning to the mostly mute Gender corrector) Anthony, and this-¡° ¡°-Anne, shut up, don¡¯t introduce me to this guy. We don¡¯t know what he could do,¡± The cardinal asshole piped up angrily. What a dick, even though I was truthfully kind of thinking the same thing. Like, did I ask for your names, or did I explicitly ask ¡°why are you down here?¡± Let¡¯s try again, maybe the asshole is more realistic. Hopefully more direct if anything. ¡°This place, not this hole, this lower level, it seems like certain death. Do you guys¡­ live down here?¡± I said to him. He quickly shot a look of disbelief back in my direction, threw Nick¡¯s arm away, and proceeded to barrel towards me. ¡°Live?! LIVE?!¡± He screamed hypocritically. ¡°Wyatt!¡± The woman spoke up for justice. ¡°Keep your voice down.¡± (Here¡¯s to being disappointed she didn¡¯t say ¡°Quiet, Wyatt!¡±) Right before he reached me, he stopped dead in his tracks as the dog turned to him and growled lowly. A true-blue guardian breed. We were ostensibly ¡°safe¡± from the outside threat. The greener-grass of this new group of survivors is that nobody had died in order for me to meet them. And yet, everything was so fucking on edge for no apparent reason. I didn¡¯t want to get angry. I didn¡¯t want to be like I was up there, but I felt a lot more justified to that emotion right now. ¡°Is somebody going to answer me? Yes, live. Do you live down here?¡± An unbelievable anger boiled behind Wyatt¡¯s eyes. Ughhh, here we fucking go¡­. ¡°Nothing lives down here. It runs until it can¡¯t run anymore and then it dies.¡± Wyatt said. Jesus Christ. I felt like I was talking to a group of astrology fueled sorority girls. ¡°What does that mean though!? Why are you down here? Did you just fall down the escalator too?¡± ¡°No, of course not. I rode down it and calmly strolled past the employees until I found this hole and stuck myself in it.¡± Okay, I tried. Now it¡¯s definitely justified. ¡°Listen, fuck you, asshole. I¡¯m just trying to figure out what¡¯s going on here.¡± ¡°Asshole?!¡± The dog started growling again, even louder now, bearing its teeth. I didn¡¯t need it to guard me, I was prepared to fight this Sean V2 myself if I needed to. What¡¯s more damage to an already destroyed body? He doesn¡¯t look like the type that could beat me worse than she did, he just looks like he wants to be. ¡°Kanata!¡± I was about to stand up when a female voice spoke from behind me. I hadn¡¯t even noticed that there was another whole person in this room. It sort of scared me, but not anymore than the rest of this place did. The dog whimpered, turned around and ran behind me. I turned and saw the girl who had called its name. She was much younger, probably only about¡­.. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I don¡¯t know how. Elijah hadn¡¯t described anything but her age but¡­.. something just told me it was her. The dog ran up to where she sat and threw itself happily in her lap. ¡°Hey, baby. It¡¯s okay.¡± The girl cooed. Kanata? Never heard that name for a dog. Would it be Kanato if they were a boy? Kanata rolled over in her lap, head rolling back in delight as the girl rubbed her stomach with both hands. ¡°I¡¯ve gotcha, girl.¡± What was her name again? Would it be creepy to act like I knew her? I mean, I guess I could introduce myself. How would I do that though? Hey, nice to meet you. I¡¯m the murderer that got kicked out of your home, and now I know your name. Wait a second. Holy shit. Everybody at Return and Exchange was probably looking for her, right? She¡¯s here. Alive. Everybody probably thinks that she¡¯s dead. Even if Robert was holding onto the hope of his child returning miraculously, I¡¯m sure that even he had come to terms with the reality in the back of his mind. But it¡¯s not reality. I mean, if this is actually her. ¡°Hey.. um.. you wouldn¡¯t happen to be-¡° ¡°-Shh.¡± She didn¡¯t even look up at me, but I knew it was towards me. She stopped scratching, as Kanata¡¯s nose shot up towards the ceiling at attention. Everybody else remained silent as well. I looked up towards the ceiling. The shaft that I fell down was pretty long, but through the panel at the top of it, I could hear them. The repeated wet impact of an army had reached us. Bustling. It was hard to tell how many there were. Probably less than the horde that had followed me out of bed that night, but so much more than the amount I had seen in the opening below the escalator. The extras must have heard our arguing from God knows how far away, and were just now reaching what they hoped was the source of their victims'' to-be''s sound. Whilst the crowd certainly didn¡¯t sound as big as my virgin encounter, their footsteps sounded heavier, almost angrier. The light alone may be what controls these things¡¯ temper, but something about this place, this basement, certainly didn¡¯t bode well for what these things become. I don¡¯t even know the extent of how terrible they can be, but I know that it¡¯s worse here. This was bad. Through the clamor above, I could hear Nick softly crying. Wyatt quietly told him to shut the fuck up. I didn¡¯t like Wyatt very much, but it was warranted. The sound of the pounding footsteps continued for about three minutes straight. Somewhere in those three minutes I heard the little girl speak so extremely softly behind me. ¡°Don¡¯t talk to me about that place. At least not in front of them.¡± She whispered. Not in front of them? What does that- An exceptionally loud smashing sounded against the panel and rattled me to the core. What the fuck?! Did they hear her? Are they trying to get down here now? No way. No way they heard that. I barely heard it. But¡­ I remember my night in the armoire. Just one shaky breath from so far away and it was on me. And as fast as they are, to still show up this long after a fairly large amount of yelling, they must have traveled such a far distance to reach us. Another bang. I don¡¯t know how strong they were, but if that was one of them pounding with their fists, it was much too loud to be coming from something anywhere near weak. Another bang, another. Another. Another. It still had the same splash of wet flesh, but behind the cover of the hatch, it was like a muffled shotgun. Like a silencer of human flesh. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª What felt like an hour passed as we remained frozen. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Finally quiet. Well besides from the soft crying. Everybody stayed silent for about ten minutes more. How long would we have to stay silent for? Could they hear us from any distance in the entire infinity? But the woman said they couldn¡¯t get in, so, does it even matter if we stay silent? And if it does, then was it possible that the one that was banging could¡¯ve broken in? It sounded like it was about to. Have they dealt with that before? Are they just as scared as me right now? Surely we wouldn¡¯t have to just stay silent forever. We eventually had to get food. I mean, obviously I don¡¯t think the Staff care about yielding to our needs, but we have to. These guys know that, right? Holy shit, how do you even go about traversing total darkness to find a caf¨¦ down here? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Do you? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Come to think of it, I remember how eerily destroyed all the furniture looked down here. What if the caf¨¦ was the same way? Would anything in it even be edible? Is it even possible to live down here? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Well, I guess somebody had already answered that question for me. And as Abel had said, you don¡¯t exactly just walk yourself back up the stairs. I broke the silence. ¡°Are you guys dying down here?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª After what was definitely ten more minutes of silence where we all waited for the Staff to return with no such result, I got my answer. It came from the silent man named Anthony. ¡°Fucking duh.¡± Nice. My objective of ¡°living¡± got the slightest bit harder to achieve today. (Part six coming soon!) Part Six 1/2 ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª PART SIX ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°That¡¯s all now, Ms. Rubio-¡° ¡°-GODDAMMIT WHO DO YOU THINK YOU¡¯RE SAVING?! LOOK AT THOSE PICTURES! TELL ME THAT BLOOD IS A MISTAKE! TELL ME THAT X-RAY IS A FUCKING REASONABLE DEFENSE! THAT¡¯S A MURDERER¡¯S MARK-¡° ¡°-Remove her please-¡° ¡°-Wait-¡° ¡°-DON¡¯T YOU DARE! DON¡¯T YOU FUCKING DARE-¡° ¡°-Hannah-¡° ¡°-Don¡¯t talk to her, just go-¡° ¡°-YOU LITTLE SHIT DON¡¯T YOU SAY MY NAME! THIS WON¡¯T LEAVE YOU! YOU CAN¡¯T BE RESCUED JUST LIKE THAT, THIS IS GONNA CURSE YOU! I HOPE IT HUNTS YOU DOWN LIKE A FUCKING DOG! ONE DAY IT WILL FIND YOU!¡± ¡°Get out of here. Now. Don¡¯t respond to her.¡± ¡°ONE DAY IT WILL STRAP YOU DOWN AND RIP YOUR GODDAMN WORTHLESS HEART RIGHT OUT OF YOUR FREAK FUCKING CHEST! YOU SICK LITTLE FUCK!¡± Cody Camargo: Unsure. I think it¡¯s been a couple of days? I¡¯ve stopped trying to tell. For the past (indeterminate passage of time), I have been residing underneath what my new ¡°community¡± refers to as The Warehouse. This blackhead pore in its floor doesn¡¯t have a clever name like that, it¡¯s just a hole. As it stands, said hole is now my sanctuary of survival, and the only thing protecting me from the outside. This is it, guys! This is living! I¡¯m doing it! Yeah, doing anything isn¡¯t really on the summer-camp itinerary down here. I¡¯ve been spending essentially all of my time just sleeping or sitting in total darkness with these seven. It¡¯s actually done my body some good. With nothing to occupy my time, I¡¯ve been able to consistently rest in a comfortable position. ¡°Comfortable¡± is generous, but my rib has greatly appreciated the leave of inactivity. It¡¯s definitely a nicer resting position than the chair in that holding cell. My ears have become the only steadily active part of my body. There¡¯s nothing to see, certainly nothing to taste, and I¡¯ve been trying to ignore the sensations of feel and smell. Jesus, did I mention before how horrible it smells down here? Hang on, let me not drift off topic yet. As I was saying, my aural stimulation usually consists of this constant channel flipping monotony:
  1. Nick whispering to himself
  2. Anthony and Anne Marie whispering to each other (Anne Marie appears to be the only person that Anthony converses with)
  3. Wyatt less than politely asking Nick to never make a sound again in his life
  4. The slight fur ruffles of Elizabeth rubbing Kanata¡¯s stomach (Kanata appears to be the only living thing that Elizabeth converses with)
  5. The much more often than preferable occasion of a Staff member patrolling above (they never walk down here, only run)
My only contribution towards the assembly is asking Abel questions that he refuses to answer aptly before telling me to stop talking.
  1. Q: Why does talking matter if they can¡¯t get down here? A: Don¡¯t be so gullible.
  2. Q: So, where¡¯d Kanata come from? A: It¡¯s not our dog.
  3. Q: Did you guys come down here all at the same time, or did you meet here? A: I think Nick and Wyatt knew each other, not sure.
  4. Q: What¡¯s up with Anthony? Dude is creeping me the fuck out. A: You know he can hear you, right?
  5. Q: Is anyone gonna go back up to get more of my water? When are we gonna find something to eat? A: It¡¯s not worth the risk.
I had HEAVILY voiced my disagreement that anything is too risky for food and water, but my outcry was not heard. Abel had gone alone twice already to retrieve some of my water. We pitifully split up the portions he returned with like rats, but that felt like years ago. Abel had not managed to find the bottles of crushed peas that I promised were up there somewhere. I think he took my continued insistence of their white-whale existence as a ploy to get him out of the hole again. They were real, so I wasn¡¯t lying, but it was absolutely a ploy. I know for a fact that I am the thirstiest I¡¯ve ever been in my life. You never really appreciate how much your body demands something until you¡¯re deprived of it. My throat is sticking to itself. My stomach is turning, but the hunger is not even close to contesting the dehydration. ¡°The rule of threes¡± says that a human¡¯s breaking point of fluid deprivation is a mere three days. I am not at all comfortable with how close to the seventy-two hour mark I feel down here. At least I had a little bit to break it up, but I¡¯m sure it¡¯s not as cut-and-dry as taking one sip of water and the timer hard-resetting. I wish I could stop stress-sweating. My body could be using that liquid in so many better ways. Which reminds me¡­ back to the smell. Despite how uninformed I am about the happenings of this group, I know that they surely could not have all been down here for very long without an unfortunate overflow. What I mean by that is, upon my arrival, I was not aware of a large joint that extended off from the main body of the hole. They have it covered by a nicely fitting stone that was probably cut directly out from that same part of the ground. That protective blockage does its best to hide what it¡¯s entombing, but there¡¯s no way to eclipse the real horror that¡¯s sleeping next to us. If it¡¯s too much of a risk to go outside for provisions, it certainly is too much of a risk to go outside to relieve yourself. Yeah, that¡¯s about as putrid as it sounds. I¡¯ve been using it just as much to vomit as I have to piss or other. The vomiting is mostly a dry heave by now. There¡¯s nothing left to spit up. I¡¯m living in a constant fog of human waste. I don¡¯t even want to think about the laundry list of health defects it¡¯s slowly causing. I don¡¯t want to think about anything. I¡¯m constantly trying to let the darkness swallow my awareness of my situation. Even my own cerebral dark hole is preferable to this one. I have no idea what is happening above The Warehouse. I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s daytime or nighttime up-up there. There¡¯s no sleeping schedule in a place with no day/night cycle, so everyone here sort of fades in and out of exhaustion whenever they want. I had assumed differently from my initial meeting, but it is extremely rare that everyone is awake at the same time. It¡¯s even more unlikely that everyone falls into the same collective, weary blackout that I¡¯m currently surrounded by. It¡¯s been silent for a couple of hours. I seem to be the only one who is awake. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Death is likely quite un-cinematic for most people. It¡¯s probably unexpected to a point where you don¡¯t really comprehend what¡¯s happening. I imagine that most people go painlessly in that way, as the sensory confusion of your body shutting down is overpowering and eradicating any fear, or ability for discomfort. Maybe there¡¯s at least a moment of the most horrible dread and unbearable anguish you¡¯ve ever felt in your life, but once you¡¯ve overcome it, I don¡¯t think there¡¯s anything left to really struggle against. Of course I have no idea, but I really hope that¡¯s true. What if death is actually never-ending? What if you stay in this permanent state of hollow consciousness, and your soul becomes bound to wherever your last heartbeat hits? Maybe you just kind of sit there in that one spot of the universe until the end of time, slowly watching your body and the world around it churn to dust. Seeing, hearing and feeling, but never thinking. Being there, but not really being there. Not being able to grasp onto your sense of self. Not being able to reach the ¡°I am¡±. It¡¯s like your brain is receiving an eternity of information, but isn¡¯t processing any of it. You¡¯re just watching a 4D movie whilst being completely brain dead. Like an infinite seizure. Sorry, I¡¯ve realized recently that I am well overtired of using the word ¡°infinite¡± as an adjective for anything. Whatever, I¡¯m just thinking about this because I don¡¯t know how much longer I¡¯m going to last. I just think it¡¯s anticlimactic. I don¡¯t want to drown, but if I have to, like everyone eventually will, I¡¯d much rather have a boulder tied to my feet and be thrown to the bottom of the sea. Right now, my arms are bound with my head being held down in a kiddie pool. Maybe not as lame of a death as I could¡¯ve had, but certainly not the high point I¡¯ve always wished to go out on: Sitting in a dark hole with the nega-Swiss family Robinson. There¡¯s no ¡°living¡± down here, that isn¡¯t really a matter of determination. This is definitely not a place of human life. I guess I¡¯m more disappointed than anything. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I¡¯m absolutely scared to die, I¡¯m just saying that the not-being-alive part is not particularly the reason why. I hate to sound corny, but I was really excited about where this story was going. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Ya know, if it¡¯s the story I care about more than my life, I shouldn¡¯t think reasonably about my options. I should just try to get back upstairs. If there¡¯s any place I don¡¯t want my soul to be sitting for eternity, it¡¯s here. Everyone¡¯s still asleep, what if I just left? As if. I¡¯m so weak right now. My body doesn¡¯t care about the story at all like I do. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I sat up from the extremely comfortable floor (I¡¯m surprised everybody doesn¡¯t roll to the middle in their sleep). I¡¯d gotten as much uninterrupted rest as I could manage here without stirring. I don¡¯t know how much that is, I just know that it isn¡¯t nearly enough for my tired body. I would need about two straight months of hibernation to fully recover, if a full recovery was even possible. I listened to everyone¡¯s separate breathing as I sat in the heavy abyss. I stared into the darkness so identical to the inside of my eyelids like there was no border between them. I¡¯m sure that if a blind man was suddenly cured whilst sitting in this hole, he would never be able to tell the difference. My stomach grumbled. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I heard her ears and head perk up as she trotted over to my side. I felt her soft fur brushing against my arm. I raised my hand and brushed it along Kanata¡¯s back. ¡°Hey girl.¡± She rubbed her nose on the back of my hand and rested her head on my wrist. Kanata had shown me more compassion than the rest of the group combined in these past (x) days. She tends more to Elizabeth, but I think she can sense how mangled I feel. She curls up next to me every couple hours. It¡¯s usually only for a few minutes before she returns to Lizzie, but that few minutes is like a faraway solace of peaceful security. I caressed her nape. She had no collar. I struggle to think about Kanata being here. It seems just as cruel as any other human being damned to this stuttering dimension. Dogs eat about half as much as humans, but it¡¯s all relative. The thought of her starving down here is devastating to me. I wish it was a dream. If I had stayed at home, none of this would have been real. Obviously that¡¯s not true, but it wouldn¡¯t have been real to me. I would never have had any reason to think about any of this happening until the day I died. I could¡¯ve been so ignorant to whatever the hell is constantly going on here. Why does it have to be real? Is it even real? Where the fuck even am I? What kind of inebriated reality allows a place like this to exist? It just doesn¡¯t make any sense. Yes the building makes no sense and the no-exit makes no sense and the monsters make no sense, but it¡¯s not even that. Has it always been here? Has this place always been sitting here just hiding? Hiding in plain sight and waiting for the day I stumble across it? Not me specifically, but anyone. How is that real?! This franchise should¡¯ve been shut down decades ago. The buildings should¡¯ve been leveled and the infrastructures shipped to fucking Area 51 or something, I don¡¯t know. Like, does the government know about this? I¡¯m not even mad for myself, I¡¯m just so fucking pissed off that any random man woman or child could just randomly end up in this fucking hole in this fucking warehouse in this fucking IKEA. HOW IS THAT FUCKING REAL?! ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I want to stop thinking about this. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I spaced out with Kanata by my side. I thought about what Chandler and Toby might be doing right now. I had been gone for about three weeks. I imagine that they would at least be wanting to track me down for my share of the rent, small as it is. I had never gotten a single text or call from either of them in all this time, but I had tried my best to leave that up to the idea that it wasn¡¯t possible to reach me anymore. I wondered if they had reported me as a missing person. Truthfully, I now had a parole officer whom I¡¯m sure would care much more about my whereabouts than the two of them currently did. If I were them, I would see this as a blessing in disguise. An escape from association. Although, the two of them are surely being questioned by the police and her about where I am. God, the thought of her talking to them. Walking around in my house. Probably in my room, asking them why this bedside table is destroyed. I stopped petting Kanata as I struggled not to punch the floor, or God forbid her undeservingly. I had met Sandra Krasinski for the first time in a post hearing meeting where I was held for about three hours after the second trial. She reminded me of essentially everything I unhealthily hate about women. I¡¯m not gonna make a list or anything, but I felt as if I was purposely given a woman that would bait me into a repeat offense. Sorry, that statement is in pretty bad taste, but seriously, fuck her. We spent more time together than I would have ever cared to spend with someone I disliked even half as much as her. In a repressed trauma period of eleven weeks, there were large chunks of time when Sandra was the only person I ever spoke to. That cycle was only slightly broken by five weeks of house arrest, where I quickly realized that Chandler and Toby¡¯s support was less than unconditional. I couldn¡¯t blame them, and in fact, should be gracious that they even tolerated my proximity at all. No one should have to explain themselves for never wanting to see someone like me again, let alone sleep in the same house at night. That didn¡¯t change the fact that I preferred prison. I¡¯ve whined to you enough about destroying my relationship with the only two people in the world who I ever felt had genuinely cared about me simply because they could. I¡¯ll just say that my heart was repeatedly broken every day and leave it at that. After the removal of my fashionable ankle bracelet, I had a recorded conference held every Monday to ensure that I hadn¡¯t left the state. My first meeting was an embarrassing cornucopia of legal reiteration. The second was basically a public speaking performance on how I¡¯d been uselessly spending my unemployed time. My third meeting was scheduled to be¡­¡­ I¡¯d say it would¡¯ve been around my fourth day here. I guess I¡¯m breaking parole. That problem is nowhere near my current top ten, but I applaud my cerebral fog for trying. It¡¯s not invalid to say that it¡¯s happening on a whole different planet, so I¡¯m not very hung up on it. God, I wish I was. Kanata whimpers softly as I place my hand on her back again. ¡°It¡¯s okay, I¡¯m fine. Thanks for being here for me.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Hey.¡± No, it wasn¡¯t the dog, I¡¯m not entirely crazy yet. Stay tuned, though. Lizzie must¡¯ve woken up when Kanata ran over to me. ¡°Come over here, quietly,¡± She said. Lizzie is a good whisperer. She mostly just exhales while mouthing words more than she actually whispers. I slowly moved myself backwards over to her. My velocity of suffering wasn¡¯t much lower, but the pain was a dull one rather than a stinging explosion. I stopped somewhere in the darkness that I assumed was close to her. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She didn¡¯t say anything. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Do you um¡­ talk in your sleep or did I mishear you?¡± I felt a finger poke into my right shoulder. ¡°You suck at whispering. I just wanted to make sure none of them woke up from how clumsy your movement is.¡± Well, I am practically crippled, so check your privilege. ¡°Sorry, I¡¯m having some trouble controlling my body right now.¡± Once again, she didn¡¯t respond. Maybe I just got really good at whispering and she didn¡¯t hear me. Haha! (It¡¯s weird with the exclamation mark, I¡¯ll stick with a period) ¡°Did you want Kanata back? She never stays with me for very long. I¡¯m sure she would¡¯ve gone back to you in a couple minutes.¡± ¡°No, you¡¯re fine.¡± I felt Kanata trot into the space between us and plop down, happily occupying both of our sides at the same time. ¡°She must really like you, huh?¡± I said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Hey, I¡¯m feeling kind of stuck in this conversation right now. Can you help me out a little?¡± I heard her shifting in the darkness. ¡°Sorry. I¡¯m just really sleepy.¡± Hearing someone who was probably on the brink of total incapacitation say ¡°really sleepy¡± felt unpleasantly ominous. ¡°When¡¯s the last time you ate something?¡± ¡°It¡¯s been¡­ a while, I don¡¯t remember.¡± I regretted asking her that with no food to offer her. I probably only caused her to think about it more. A staff member ran directly above the hatch. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª What does Lizzie think about? What goes on in a child¡¯s brain in the midst of this? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°How did you end up down here¡­¡­ you ran away didn¡¯t you¡­¡­ from Return and Exchange?¡± I didn¡¯t want to make it a conversation. I didn¡¯t want to hurt her, I just have no self-control. It¡¯s how I¡¯ve always been. I don¡¯t care if I¡¯m asking something insensitive, or dredging up some horrible trauma in someone, I don¡¯t like a person¡¯s internal storyline being a mystery to me. It¡¯s dehumanizing, I¡¯ve never cared. She stayed silent for a long time, but I never interrupted the silence by following up with a different question. I waited patiently for her to respond. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Yeah. I didn¡¯t know what I was doing. It was stupid, but I thought that an escalator meant escape. It didn¡¯t.¡± Hear hear. ¡°So, did Abel save you?¡± Normal break of silence. ¡°No¡­. it wasn¡¯t him¡­¡­.. it¡¯s hard to remember¡­¡­.. I was scared to go down the escalator because it was dark, but I heard normal people talking at the bottom. A lot. Maybe thirty.¡± Thirty? That can¡¯t possibly be accurate. ¡°Before I realized what was happening, one of the staff had run up the escalator to meet me halfway and throw me down it.¡± Jesus Christ. ¡°It threw you down it?!¡± ¡°Shh¡­. I think so. I remember feeling something grab me by the arm and throw me right behind. I fell a really really long way. I didn¡¯t hit the floor, I crashed into something and my head got all fuzzy.¡± Stop. Stop making her talk about it. ¡°It was so loud, and there were a lot of lights. Somebody was whispering to me¡­¡­.. I don¡¯t know¡­¡­ I just woke up in the pit. There were a couple more people here before, they¡­ fed me..¡­. I¡­¡­. I¡¯m not sure what happened to them.¡± In only a whisper, I could still hear the strain in her voice. It sounded like hallucinatory trauma. Whether that was her young brain being incapable of comprehension, or the severity of her injury, I didn¡¯t know. Maybe both, but certainly not neither. I had only actually seen Elizabeth a couple times when the flashlight was occasionally switched on. The idea of her frail body being javelined down that drop was so morbidly comical that I found it hard to believe she survived. I guess it was just as difficult to believe that she survived more than a day out here at all. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Why did you run away? It¡¯s safe up there¡­ in R&E.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°It didn¡¯t feel that way.¡± It hadn¡¯t felt terribly safe to me either, but I was usually either being cursed out or beat up for most of my time there. I would hope the same wasn¡¯t true fo- Oh shit. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°They weren¡¯t¡­.. hurting you¡­. were they?¡± ¡°Who¡¯s they?¡± ¡°I¡­. I don¡¯t know. Anyone there¡­¡­. Robert?-¡± ¡°-No.¡± I stayed silent for a long time. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I just didn¡¯t like it there,¡± She finally said. ¡°Okay¡­¡­.. well, it couldn¡¯t have been worse than this, right?¡± ¡°Shut up.¡± ¡°¡­¡­. Huh?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Elizabeth, listen-¡± ¡°-Lizzie. Don¡¯t call me Elizabeth-¡° ¡°-okay, whatever, but-¡° ¡°-Shh. You¡¯re speaking, start whispering.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°¡­. Lizzie¡­ you¡­.. do want to go back, right?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I don¡¯t understand. Why would you run away from that? No offense, but did you actually mean to, or did you just get lost? Do you even understand what¡¯s happening? Aren¡¯t you only twelve years-¡° ¡°-I¡¯m thirteen. They¡¯re the ones who don¡¯t understand what¡¯s happening.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°So¡­. are you like¡­ mad because they forgot it was your birthday?¡± ¡°Great. You¡¯re a moron too.¡± That seems to be the general consensus. Don¡¯t see how it¡¯s productive to our conversation, though. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Who are you, anyway?¡± She asked. How exactly am I supposed to answer that? ¡°Did Robert send you to find me?¡± She added. ¡°You don¡¯t call him dad?¡± I could hear her breaking her rule of silence to audibly sigh in annoyance. ¡°Uh¡­ no, he didn¡¯t send me. I just¡­.. ended up here on accident,¡± I said. ¡°On accident?¡± She somehow managed to whisper with sarcasm. ¡°Why were you even out here?¡± Ya know, scared little girl or not, you ended up down here too, so can we drop the attitude? ¡°I didn¡¯t see the drop.¡± Probably the least intelligent response I could have given, but also totally true. ¡°No, not that. I mean why were you out so far in this direction?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°Outside of Return. The main scavenging caf¨¦ is in a completely different direction.¡± Sca-¡­scavenging caf¨¦? ¡°I was just¡­..¡± Out for a walk? Wait! I¡¯ve got a better idea. I¡¯m so fucking smart. ¡°She told me to go look for another one.¡± ¡°Who?¡± ¡°You know, um, damn, starts with an N¡­¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You uhhhh¡­ you know who I¡¯m talking about, right? What¡¯s her name again?¡± ¡°They kicked you out, didn¡¯t they?¡± Whomp whomp. ¡°¡­¡­¡­ so, you don¡¯t wanna go back?¡± I asked. ¡°Dude, just so you know, I don¡¯t think that bringing me there would convince them to let you back in.¡± Have I always been this easy to read, or is it a new trait I¡¯m developing? I hadn¡¯t really been thinking about it until quite recently. In a totally unique manner, I was only thinking about myself this entire time. The fear of dying before finishing my tasteless memoir had far outweighed my care of Elizabeth being a helpless child stranded in perdition. With nothing but wallowing days to occupy me, of course I had begun to consider the idea. Consider isn¡¯t a good word, fantasize is better. I know it sounds shitty that I wanted to use her for that bargaining chip rather than saving her out of the kindness of my heart, but it was mostly just wishful thinking. I didn¡¯t believe in it, it was just nice to think about. ¡°Sorry¡­. I only¡­¡± I began. ¡°Why do you wanna go back to that place anyway?¡± ¡°Excuse me?¡± ¡°It¡¯s concerning to me that you¡¯d risk your life to be there again.¡± Is she trying to prove something? Because what the hell does she care? ¡°Why did you start talking to me, Lizzie?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I just wanted to know if Robert cared that I was gone.¡± My composure crumpled almost completely as she said that. Even though I knew there was no way I could right now, I felt the sudden need to cry. ¡°Sorry, it¡¯s¡­.. selfish to ask-¡° ¡°-He does¡­¡­ he does care.¡± It was loud, but she just let it ring. I barely even knew Robert. I still knew. ¡°He cares about you.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I just can¡¯t stomach a life in that place. I know what that means when I say it. I know that nobody takes my emotion seriously, because why would I get it? Everyone wants to act like it¡¯s okay, and it might be for a little, but¡­¡­.. I just feel like we all wouldn¡¯t be here if we were supposed to be okay.¡± ¡°What is that supposed to mean?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, karma? I just never felt relaxed¡­¡­ I feel like everyone there just forgot how horrible the situation is, and¡­¡­.. I feel like they¡¯re gonna get punished for that.¡± ¡°Eli-¡­ Lizzie, surely they¡¯ve already gone through punishment enough to end up there. I can¡¯t imagine what some of them must have seen-¡° ¡°-Seen? They haven¡¯t seen anything. Almost all of the people there are only lucky enough to have found that place in the span of their first day. Everyone who fought to build that place is gone. Nobody new makes it past the first day.¡± I decided not to speak on that right now. ¡°So? What¡¯s your point? Do you want people to be depressed and freaking out all of the time? They may have just gotten lucky, but they¡¯re alive. Nobody who ended up here is lucky in the grander scheme, they should be able to want to live-¡° ¡°-Shut up. I know that. I wanted to live, I wanted to forget about everything outside the walls. Who wouldn¡¯t? I get it, I do. That¡¯s what nobody wants to believe. Nobody wants to believe that I can understand how incredible Return is. When everyone realizes just how real an early death is, Return becomes like a loving mother. Of course I understand it, and I¡¯m not saying that I think they¡¯re all stupid, or childish for wanting to be at peace in there but¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­.. I¡¯m saying¡­.. that place existing is like¡­.. arrogant¡­¡­.. just¡­¡­. prolonging the inevitable.¡± I sharply inhaled, as I realized I hadn¡¯t taken a breath for a long time. Who would make a little girl think like this? I realize she¡¯s probably depressed, and I don¡¯t blame her at all, but someone had to have put these ideas in her head. Robert? Somehow I didn¡¯t think so. ¡°But, you understand what that inevitability is, right? You get why they¡¯re scared to process it?¡± ¡°Duh. I know what a fear of death is. It should just be death. But¡­¡­.. in a place like this¡­.. even up there where it¡¯s possible to go for a long time¡­¡­ doing that¡­ fighting it off¡­¡­¡­.. almost seems like you¡¯re testing the power of whatever put you here¡­¡­¡­. and¡­.. I can¡¯t see that ending any other way than bad.¡± Not enough liquid in my body for my eyes to water. ¡°I just can¡¯t stay there without feeling that something terrible is always waiting patiently outside the gate¡­¡­¡­.. something worse than death.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯ve felt a pretty gray and sallow spectrum of emotions throughout my time here. I¡¯ve felt what I know is the lowest I¡¯ve ever reached, and the closest thing I¡¯ve had to a good feeling has only been in a comparison to everything surrounding that. I¡¯ve been angry, and there are plenty of human and inanimate witnesses that will attest to that, but I¡¯ve yet to feel the level of hatred that I¡¯m feeling right now. Not for that girl in R&E, not for Robert, not for Wyatt, not for Sean, not even for myself. No level of distaste I¡¯ve felt in this world has ever reached to even the edge of the same echelon that this total and absolute loathing is residing in. This is the first time that I¡¯ve truly realized my indescribable disdain for this ¡°IKEA¡± itself. This fucking ¡°IKEA¡±. This fucking ¡°IKEA¡± that makes a little girl feel remorseful for being alive. ¡°I just¡­¡­. I just don¡¯t wanna feel that way again,¡± She said, as I had been silent for ages. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I mentally stepped back and pulled myself together a tad. ¡°Lizzie, I¡¯m sorry you¡¯re scared, but just running away without telling anyone is not the way to combat that-¡° ¡°-I¡¯m not scared-¡° ¡°-well you fucking should be goddammit.¡± It felt wrong to say to a kid. I¡¯m sure she already had a million voices in her head that were saying it, and I just wanted to try and pull them forward. ¡°Look,¡± I began. ¡°If there is something¡­. greater¡­ than us¡­ watching¡­. I don¡¯t think that it¡¯s going to bow down to you just because you¡¯re brave enough to be stupid, because what now? What are you going to do if you don¡¯t go back there?¡± ¡°¡­¡­. I¡­. I don¡¯t know.¡± Kanata began gently whimpering again as Lizzie¡¯s voice cracked. ¡°I don¡¯t want to stay here either¡­.. I don¡¯t want to be here when it happens.¡± I wasn¡¯t about to ask aloud for elaboration. It would take a serious amount of assholery to not explain what you¡¯re talking about after saying something like that. ¡°I hear them talk about it¡­. Anthony and Anne Marie¡­.. they want to kill themselves.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°They¡­. what?¡± I said. ¡°Anthony and-¡° ¡°-no¡­ not just those two¡­ all of them. Before something else does.¡± ¡°Stop. What are you saying? How did you hear that?¡± Her voice was breaking on almost every word. ¡°Don¡¯t you hear them? It¡¯s all they talk about. They¡¯d all¡­¡­ they would snap each other¡¯s necks, and the last one would open up the hatch so tha-¡± ¡°-Stop talking.¡± I remembered what Wyatt had said. You think we¡¯re trapped here? How dumb can you be? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª There was no saving these people. They were in a deeper hole mentally than they all were physically. I should have seen it. I should¡¯ve known there was something wrong. More wrong than what I thought. ¡°Lizzie, you said they fed you. Are there caf¨¦¡¯s down here?¡± Some time passed. I wanted her to say it. ¡°You know that there aren¡¯t.¡± She said. The Staff¡¯s uniforms littered the ground of the pit. I wanted to throw up. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª This is Hell. It has to be. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I can get you out of here.¡± I had a complete total of zero ways to back that up, but I didn¡¯t feel uncertain for even a second when saying it. Even after I had realized what came out of my mouth, I was completely confident. She sniffled as she cleared the tears from her throat. ¡°No, you can¡¯t. That¡¯s not a challenge, you have no ability to do that.¡± Bet. I stood up from the ground. That ever increasing difficulty of action made me a little uncertain, but not enough to stop. I lifted up my arms and realized that I couldn¡¯t reach the ceiling. ¡°I want the flashlight. I¡¯m gonna wake one of them up,¡± I said. ¡°Don¡¯t. I¡¯m serious, stop right now.¡± I¡¯m good. I softly kicked my way through the darkness. The floor was so rough that it felt like my feet were being awkwardly grabbed with every step. Eventually, my foot found a body. I could hear Lizzie shoot up to her feet behind me. ¡°Dude. Stop!¡± She wasn¡¯t whispering very well anymore. I knelt down to the ground with paper knees. I softly poked around to make sure it wasn¡¯t Anne Marie. After feeling the bulk of the body, I felt confident that it most likely wasn¡¯t her. I started shaking them. ¡°Hey. Wake up.¡± ¡°Hmm.¡± I heard the small groan as Abel¡¯s. He stayed motionless. He was probably so close to death that his body was deciding whether or not to die in its sleep. ¡°Come on. Wake the fuck up.¡± Lizzie paced towards me. ¡°Hey! Stop it!¡± ¡°Stop speaking, start whispering.¡± Ha fuckin ha. The body in my hands finally stirred. ¡°Ugh¡­¡± ¡°Are you awake enough to understand what I¡¯m saying, or do I need to keep shaking you?¡± ¡°Fu.. yeah, I¡¯m¡­ yeah I¡¯m up what¡­. What¡¯s happening? Did someone come down?¡± ¡°No, I¡¯m going up. Grab me the flashlight.¡± I felt a small foot planted into my back. ¡°You idiot, stop!¡± Lizzie was yelling now. I mentally noted that a timer had just been set off. ¡°Listen. I¡¯m taking this girl out of this hole.¡± ¡°You¡¯re¡­ you¡¯re what?¡± ¡°Nothing. He¡¯s doing nothing. He¡¯s insane, and a moron,¡± Lizzie said. Ahem. ¡°Get me the flashlight.¡± ¡°Hey,¡± I heard the pretentious voice of Wyatt speak from somewhere in the darkness. ¡°Are you looking for some late night action, or are you just that dumb?¡± AHEM! I ignored him and kept my attention on Abel. ¡°I¡¯m getting out of here. I want that flashlight on, now. And get me that bookshelf.¡± ¡°Ahhhhh, I see,¡± Wyatt said. ¡°Alright, I volunteer to ¡®get him out of here¡¯.¡± ¡°Calm down, Wyatt,¡± Abel said. He began to stand up as I backed away. After a couple of seconds, the flashlight flicked on, as the red light flooded the room. He stood over me, looking down angrily. Wyatt slowly stood, looking just as angrily behind him. I hadn¡¯t really thought this part through. ¡°What the hell has gotten into you, kid?¡± Abel said. Should I backpedal here? Nah, screw it. AHEM! ¡°Fuck you. I wanna punch you in the throat right now. Lizzie would¡¯ve been better off on her own than down here with you fucking nut cases.¡± He tilted his head slightly. ¡°Seriously? This is what you wanna do?¡± He said. ¡°Shut up. She told me what you¡¯re planning. What were you gonna do? Off yourselves right in front of her? Force her to do it too? Kill her your damn selves to spare her the trouble? What about me? Why the fuck are you saving people if you¡¯re planning on ending it?!¡± In a red room, I probably should¡¯ve seen the flags. He was definitely slightly malnourished, just like they all were. Despite that, a malnourished person shouldn¡¯t have had the grip around my throat that he so suddenly did. A grip so strong that it was much more than I could fight against. Did I miss something? ¡°Stop! Wait!¡± Lizzie began screaming behind me. I gripped at his forearm with both hands as my body was literally raised a foot off of the ground by the neck. Abel was no longer my savior. Nick shot up from the floor as he was rudely awoken. ¡°W-what?! What¡¯s going on?!¡± He panicked. Anthony and Anne Marie quickly stirred right after him. ¡°Abel! What are you doing?¡± Anne said. I tried to kick him in the stomach or groin, but it seemed to not even affect him. My core strength failed me after three underwhelming kicks. ¡°Abel! Wait! Put him down!¡± Nick pleaded. ¡°Shut up, Nick. Don¡¯t do this again,¡± Wyatt said in a hauntingly calm voice. Again, Huh? I think I¡¯m starting to get the picture here. Well, I was getting a picture mentally. As my vision was starting to blur, really it was getting harder and harder to picture anything. I could see my mistake, though. Hunger is a bitch. If somebody is starved enough to think about touching those.. things, I don¡¯t see why they wouldn¡¯t be fine with¡­.. Well, here I am, caught in the flytrap. Cody Camargo, served bloody and raw. An army of footsteps was approaching somewhere in the distance. ¡°Stop! Please don¡¯t do this!¡± Lizzie wailed. Abel was completely choking me out with one hand. His arm was longer than mine, I could barely grab his shirt, and even if I could reach him, he was surely impossible to move with my own hands. My pole was somewhere in this pit, but I forgot to look for it before picking a fight. In my defense, I hadn¡¯t exactly known that I was picking one. Kanata growled loudly from somewhere I couldn¡¯t see. ¡°What happened?! Why are we doing this now?!¡± Anne Marie demanded. I started going into a state of obscurity. It¡¯s hard to formulate a way to escape from something when it¡¯s getting harder to breathe with every breath. I was panicking, flailing around like a fish out of water. ¡°I hadn¡¯t planned on it. It was his idea,¡± Abel said coldly. I guess this is technically what I wanted, a death with a little more action. Although, if I am truly living for the story, this is only a small step up of an ending. So, what are my options here?
  1. Fuck it? Die? Doesn¡¯t seem very tempting of a choice.
  2. Beg for mercy? I can¡¯t really breathe right now, let alone speak.
  3. Pray? Most likely pointless, but it seems to have worked well up to this point.
I looked towards the ceiling. I was told as a child that God¡¯s light reaches everywhere, even the darkest pits of Hell. I had always thought that it wouldn¡¯t make much logistical sense for God¡¯s light to be touching Hell. Doesn¡¯t that just seem counterintuitive? I really hope I¡¯m wrong though, because guess where I am? A light was shining down above me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Ahhhhhh I get it. I feel like I just looked up how to solve a video game puzzle I was stuck on. The flashlight above me was suspended in a piece of rock that curled around like a long hook from the ceiling, a red blanket wrapped around it. Between our heads was the potential to free myself. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Focus. Stop struggling and focus on your right arm. One swift motion. Plan out exactly the direction and distance that it needs to go. Where is it snagged? Make sure it doesn¡¯t get stuck there when you try to grab it. Focus. I could hear the myriad of voices yelling around me becoming progressively more blurry. There was a chaos approaching above us. I think I heard Abel say something to me, but I couldn¡¯t really tell. The only reason I knew it was him was because of the vibration around my neck. The timer went off. Above it all, a wet pounding. Focus. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Abel heard it. Through the fuzzed film of my vision, I saw his head tilt the slightest bit upwards towards the impacts. The distracted grip loosened just the smallest bit from my throat. A quick shallow breath to let a small amount of oxygen back to my brain. Gotcha bitch. I swung my arm upwards, taking the weight of the flashlight in my hand. Second try, all my life in landing a hit. This time, the asshole most definitely flinched. I brought down the most force I could drive into the freakishly pitiful muscles of my arm. The smallest little extension of the flashlight¡¯s reach in my hand was enough to crack his skull. Audibly crack it. Abel fell to the floor, and I followed. I fell hard on my left arm. The flashlight slipped out of my hand as I gripped my throat on the jagged ground, gasping for air. I had felt an awkward pressure in my left elbow when I folded my arms up to grab my neck. It hurt to breathe. It felt like somebody had shoved a hot glue gun down my windpipe. The skin around my neck was sore and tender as I choked through my teeth. A swarm of Staff was gnashing above. Though I had definitely freed myself from the initial struggle, everything still felt incredibly hazy. I was horrified that my body was already finished. My cognition was shot to hell, as I realized I could barely even make out my own position in the room. The only thing that the light did at this point was illuminate the foggy frame of the second body that dashed towards me on the floor. You fucking asshole. ¡°You fucking asshole!¡± Wyatt screamed as he dove towards me on the floor and bore his knuckles into my teeth. I couldn¡¯t even feel it. Well, that¡¯s not true, but I think I just didn¡¯t care. Not about the less than pleasant sensation at least, I was more concerned about the implications. I was nowhere near capable of fighting back, and the flashlight was far out of reach. Reminiscent of my flirty daydream, it was true, he didn¡¯t have shit on her, but a very clear difference was felt as he continued to punch. There was no question at all. This boy was going to kill me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Okay, short pointless sidebar, I promise to keep this quick. Ever watched a slow motion video of a watermelon being smashed? Like, really smashed? Not like ¡°How many rubber bands can I fit around this before it collapses?¡± More like, how many pieces will it end up in after getting crushed with this sledgehammer? It¡¯s a very wet impact, like a more brutal crunch to a sound I¡¯ve become very familiar with here. You should try it yourself some day. Don¡¯t have a sledgehammer? All good, an aluminum bat should work just fine. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª A piece of Wyatt¡¯s skull landed in my mouth. The bat had smashed directly into the back of his head, practically blowing his face out. His left eye was popped out of its socket. The crevices of his scalp spilled over my chest and down to my crotch. After a couple moments of rapid twitching, he fell to the floor beside me. The frail body of Lizzie appeared in his absence, shaking with the bat in her hands, a nightmarish expression over her face. Something between anger, fear, and relief. I was in too much of a daze to realize how horrid it was to see her like that. The bat was stained in Wyatt¡¯s fluid. ¡°Lizzie! What did you-¡° Nick began to say before Anne Marie grabbed his arm. Lizzie stared right through me. I saw it happen in her eyes before it happened in front of me. Maybe I can tell myself that it scared me so much that I was immobilized, but I don¡¯t really think that¡¯s a valid excuse. Just like it isn¡¯t an excuse to blame the three psychologically threadbare people beside me for not stopping her. No matter what I tell myself, I saw it, and I did nothing to stop it. I saw Lizzie tighten her grip on the bat. I saw her breathing quicken. I saw her eyes go wide. I saw something disappear behind those eyes. It all happened so fast. Elizabeth ran up to Wyatt¡¯s motionless body and plunged the weight down into his already misshapen skull. The spray of impact licked up my arm. She slid the barrel through his hair as she hoisted it back up. I tried to force my voice to call out her name. I could make the shape of it with my lips and tongue, but there was nothing behind it. It¡¯s not like I wanted it to happen. I wanted her to stop, but it was like I was trapped in a dream. I couldn¡¯t reach her because I couldn¡¯t reach myself. I watched helplessly as she raised the handle fully over her head. She flew into the downswing with a grunting noise that shot a sharp earthquake of nausea through my stomach. The second wave landed on my neck and cheek. I begged the warm blood to motivate my voice through its border, but as Lizzie reprised the motion of raising the bat, the only thing I had the strength to do was look away. I shut my eyes tight and reunited with darkness. I winced as I sat through the repeated impact of the aluminum smashing into the ground through the sludge of Wyatt¡¯s remains. Like someone smashing a giant bell into a blanket of soaked washcloth. The left side of my body was damp. It felt like it went on for years. Years of cowering backwards away from that sound. The army pounded away over the hatch. It just kept going. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of his head. Heavy into the back of what used to be his head. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I slowly opened my eyes. I heard her panting. I could smell the puddle that had formed beside me. I jumped in my skin as it pooled to my fingertip. I forced myself to pry my head back around. I was horrified to find that Lizzie was staring right at me. She was almost a ghost, rabidly foreign and missing her previous frailty. I favored looking down at the aftermath. Like strawberry jam. ¡°W-¡­.. why,¡± I stammered. ¡°Why did you do that?¡± It was hard to comprehend. There just¡­ should have been a head there, but there wasn¡¯t. It was just a carpet of pulp. I looked back up to her. ¡°WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!¡± A loud crash sounded above as she slowly reappeared in herself. She looked down at the mess in front of her, then shakily dropped the bat on top of it. Her eyes filled with tears, but she couldn¡¯t pry them away from the body. ¡°I¡­ he was hurting you-¡° I shot up to my feet like I was completely healthy. I grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her away, shielding her eyes from the horror that she had created. ¡°-Don¡¯t look at it. Don¡¯t look.¡± She shook like a washing machine in my arms. I felt like I should have been the one being comforted. It became so quickly difficult to remind myself what had happened thirty seconds ago. I wasn¡¯t looking at it, so it couldn¡¯t have been real, right? The same way this IKEA wouldn¡¯t have been real if I had never gone into it. So if I just don¡¯t turn around, Wyatt is still alive. ¡°It was the right thing to do,¡± She whispered sadistically. ¡°We should finish them next.¡± Why does this keep happening? I don¡¯t get it¡­ My legs began giving out as Lizzie gasped and caught me, propping herself under my right arm. ¡°Are you okay?¡± No. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m¡­. I¡¯m fine.¡± ¡°I thought you were supposed to be getting me out of here.¡± Forgive me for getting the tiniest bit distracted. ¡°They¡¯re already dead, Lizzie.¡± She didn¡¯t respond, but I prayed she knew I was right. She was still under the influence of something that had slipped down into the hatch when I was being throttled. It must have taken hold of her arms and forced her to do that, because she couldn¡¯t have done it herself. It couldn¡¯t have been her. A little girl wouldn¡¯t do that. It¡¯s not real. It¡¯s not real. I felt Kanata brushing up against my leg. I nervously looked over to Abel¡¯s body. I saw his stomach moving. I sighed in a bittersweet relief before shifting my gaze to the haunted peanut gallery. Anthony was just staring into space like usual. Anne Marie was timidly staring at me. Nick was staring down at the massacre. ¡°Wyatt¡­.¡± He said helplessly. My anxiety stood me fully back up on my own. ¡°Nick, listen,¡° I began. ¡°She didn¡¯t know what she was doing.¡± (Do I believe that?) ¡°She shouldn¡¯t have done it, but she wasn¡¯t thinking right when-¡° ¡°-are you looking at the same thing I¡¯m looking at?¡± He interrupted as he looked up to me. ¡°Why are you hugging her? What the hell is wrong with the two of you?¡± Elizabeth had just committed an act that would go on to haunt me for a considerable amount of time, but that question still managed to make me very angry. Harrowing as it was, this recent event had not overwritten my memory of the previous one. ¡°Where would I be right now if that hadn¡¯t happened, Nick?¡± I said accusingly. I expected that question to halt him, but it seemed to do quite the opposite. ¡°Abel never wanted it to be that way! He would have let go eventually-he only did it to pacify you-you didn¡¯t need to pull that shit-¡° ¡°-Oh cut it the FUCK OUT-she didn¡¯t touch Abel-what would Wyatt have done?!-¡° ¡°-If you don¡¯t wanna talk about what she just did, then talk to me about what I¡¯m saying! You hurt Abel-¡° ¡°-IT WAS FUCKING SELF DEFFF-Jesus-God fucking dammit you¡¯re so full of it for someone that stood by doing nothing-¡° ¡°-because he would have STOPPED!-¡° ¡°-Okay, whatever, let¡¯s say I believe that bullshit. What does ¡®why are we doing this now¡¯ mean? ¡®Now¡¯? Now in oppose to what?!¡± I barked as I looked over to Anne Marie. ¡°Do YOU think he would have let go, Anne? Does that seem like the most likely outcome to you?¡± She held fast, not looking away from my glare. ¡°Abel¡¯s not a monster. I don¡¯t know what he would have done but¡­¡­ everything he has done, has only been for us,¡± She said. I think that answer meant something to her. It didn¡¯t mean shit to me. I can¡¯t even begin to imagine the zip folder of a dossier that ¡°everything he has done¡± contained. I turned around and walked towards Wyatt¡¯s corpse. I tried my best to hide the mutiny in my guts as I picked up the bat and walked back towards her. ¡°Fine. Then I don¡¯t care about me, what the fuck would Abel have done to her?¡± I hissed. She blinked a couple times, surely seeing right through my fake confidence. ¡°I don¡¯t know¡­.. I probably wouldn¡¯t have been here to see it,¡± Anne said. I fidgeted, not submitting to pity, but knowing I wasn¡¯t in control. ¡°Are you leaving?¡± She asked. The possibility of that felt strange after what had just transpired. ¡°That¡¯s¡­. the idea,¡± I replied. ¡°Am I fucking allowed to?¡± She shook her head. ¡°If you think you know the story so well, you should know that we¡¯re much too tired to fight you on it¡­¡­¡­ I know I am.¡± I didn¡¯t know that, and I felt like I was being gaslit by the proposition that I should have known it. I wasn¡¯t about to follow Lizzie¡¯s lead or anything, but I certainly didn¡¯t feel safe in present company. I kept the bat in my hand as I trudged over to Abel¡¯s body. I bent down and unsheathed the flashlight from the blanket as the blood-red tint melted away from the walls. I shined it towards the bookshelf, then looked back to them. ¡°Then I¡¯m leaving¡­.. and I¡¯m taking her with me¡­¡­. right now.¡± ¡°¡­¡­. Okay,¡± Anne replied. Okay, so now what? How do I save this kid? ¡°Okay, so-¡° ¡°-could you¡­.. take me with you?¡± Nick said. I stood in disbelief at the gall he had to ask that now. I wanted to get angry in response, but it was a pretty good question. Could I? Looking at it realistically, I probably needed him more than he needed me. ¡°Why should I?¡± I said. He ripped away his arm from Anne¡¯s hand. ¡°If you go out there without knowing what you¡¯re doing, you¡¯ll look way worse than¡­.¡± He looked awkwardly back to the elephant in the room. I unwillingly filled back up with sheepish guilt. I was never good at playing hard to get. ¡°Sure whatever, just get me the bookshelf,¡± I said. He looked back up to me with a shocked face. I shunned it and looked at the other two awkwardly. ¡°Anybody else having second thoughts?¡± I¡¯ll be honest, that was meant to be an extremely rude question, but I felt rightfully horrible about it the moment that Anne and Anthony looked to each other. I knew their eyes were both thinking the same thing. Nothing was said, but it was easy to infer what would happen as his hands moved to her neck and chin. ¡°FUCKING NO!¡± I screamed. I didn¡¯t care about the familiar heavy pound above. ¡°NOT HERE, NOT IN FRONT OF HER!¡± For the first time here, I saw genuine emotion in Anthony as his anger shot towards me. ¡°HER?! AFTER WHAT SHE JUST DID!? FUCK YOU!¡± He screamed. ¡°Anthony, hang on a min-¡° Nick began. ¡°-Nick, be fucking quiet.¡± He growled back. I had barely heard Anthony speak ten words in whole. Hearing his small voice become something so vitriolic was terrifying. Terrifying enough to make me realize that I was seriously downplaying what had just happened. Nick may have been closer to Wyatt, but the body on the floor had still belonged to someone that these two had been through God knows what with. I was trying to bypass it like it was nothing. Maybe Nick is too shaken up to be lamenting in the moment, but that doesn¡¯t mean that his friend isn¡¯t face down on the floor without a face. I wasn¡¯t going to put Wyatt¡¯s soul on my own shoulders. I hadn¡¯t killed him. I know that, but it isn¡¯t important to know that. The fact that I¡¯m being given the opportunity to not be torn to shreds by these three is extravagantly gracious. It doesn¡¯t matter if they''re already dead, I¡¯m just as much an outsider to them as I am to Return and Exchange. My objection means nothing. My safety means nothing. My life means nothing. Not in comparison to one of them. Who cares if they knew each other before this or not? When you¡¯re living in Hell¡­ ¡°Can you¡­. please¡­.¡± Said Anne. I looked towards her, and saw the ravenous fatigue in her, her voice hoarse with trepidation. ¡­when you¡¯re living in Hell, anyone who¡¯s your ally is just like your family¡­ ¡°Can you please let him?¡± She said. ¡­everyone who struggles alongside you is your salvation. Like a loving mother. Watching your mother die over and over and over, slowly around you every second of every day¡­¡­ I can¡¯t imagine a fresher Hell. I understood, I really did. I was there not so long ago. Certainly not as close as they so clearly are, but close enough to know that the storm in her eyes is nothing compared to the storm in her head. I had compassion for that¡­¡­.. but¡­ ¡°I¡¯m so sorry,¡± I said. ¡°I didn¡¯t want this to happen¡­. If you truly believe that Abel didn¡¯t want to hurt me¡­ please believe that I didn¡¯t want this to happen. I understand that you don¡¯t owe me the courtesy over her, but please¡­.. not right now. Let me get her away from here without seeing it. I don¡¯t care what¡¯s already happened, if I can keep more from happening, I¡¯m going to.¡± My eyes darted back to Anthony¡¯s. ¡°Just take your hands away¡­.. please.¡± He chuckled. A deep chuckle, like an old man¡¯s that you know would turn into a hacking cough if it continued. ¡°Or. Fucking. What? What are you gonna do if I don¡¯t listen?¡± I tried to let my desperation win over my anger. ¡°Kill me?¡± He scoffed. Maybe it was a drop in the ocean for Elizabeth, but that was too much in my eyes. Whether it had started there or not, saving her was my goal. I don¡¯t believe that someone is saved if they¡¯re too traumatized to function. ¡°Please don¡¯t do this. Don¡¯t let her see it. I don¡¯t know what she¡¯s seen down here, but I can¡¯t believe she¡¯s too far gone for this not to matter¡­. I don¡¯t want to make you assume that you have children¡­.. I don¡¯t know if you do¡­.. but¡­.. just take a step back. It¡¯s not fair for you, and I don¡¯t want to change your mind about your general decision¡­.. but the world doesn¡¯t die with you. I don¡¯t want her to be a part of this¡­ none of us should have to be a part of this. I¡¯m sure it¡¯s past the point where you care to think about that but¡­. I¡¯m begging you to consider it¡­¡­ even if you have to pretend¡­.. for her sake¡­.. pretend there¡¯s a chance that this doesn¡¯t have to be the end for anyone who ends up here.¡± They both stared at me for an extremely long time as the schizophrenic parade continued above. It became clear that I was on my hands and knees, staring down the barrel of a gun. The two of them were holding the same weapon to my forehead. ¡°Please¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The floor above fell silent. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Nick.¡± Nick jumped a little at Anthony¡¯s voice. ¡°Get them out of here,¡± He said. ¡°Anthony¡­.¡± Nick replied hesitantly. ¡°It¡¯s okay, Nick. Do what you want to do¡­¡­ I hope there can be something better for you,¡± Said Anne Marie. Nick shifted his weight regretfully. He wanted to say something. I could see him balling his fist, trying to squeeze it out of himself. ¡°This is what we want,¡± She added warmly. ¡°There¡¯s¡­.. there¡¯s nothing left¡­¡­¡± I wasn¡¯t eager to step my foot back where it didn¡¯t belong again, but I was worried about the timing of Anne¡¯s voice. I didn¡¯t want her to set Nick off too heavily into distress. I needed to take some kind of reins. ¡°¡­. Okay, um¡­. Thank you, both¡­. So much. Let¡¯s get out of your way so that-¡° ¡°-We can come back for you,¡± Nick blurted out. Um¡­ ¡°They¡¯re from Return and Exchange, that giant community up there. I heard them talking about it.¡± Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. ¡°It doesn¡¯t have to be like this. We¡¯ll go back and¡­ I don¡¯t know, get a group to follow us down here and get you both out!¡± ¡°Nick,¡± I began. ¡°I don¡¯t know how much you heard but-¡° ¡°-No Nick,¡± Anne demanded. ¡°It¡¯s not like-¡­. It can¡¯t be like that anymore.¡± ¡°But why?! Why can¡¯t it be?! Just try-please try to wait!¡± Kanata was practically figure-8-ing in and out of my ankles. Nick¡¯s eyes shot back over to me. ¡°It¡¯s safe there. Right? I heard you say it. It¡¯s safe there!¡± He begged. I didn¡¯t know what to do. I didn¡¯t know what to say. Should I just go along with it? Comfort him now so that he¡¯ll calm down? We can¡¯t afford for him to freak out. We need to leave before something snaps. Figuratively and¡­.. I met Eyes with Anthony, who had gone back down to the silent depths I was used to him maintaining. His eyes were grilling me to take action. It was like he knew that he couldn¡¯t stay accommodating for much longer, and was urging me to hurry it the fuck up. I tried my best. ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s¡­. it¡¯s really safe,¡± I said. If we go right now we could tell-¡° ¡°-they wouldn¡¯t let you stay,¡± Lizzie interrupted. ¡°I¡¯d have to tell her everything. She¡¯d probably kill you before she let you stay there.¡± I felt like I had begun free falling in an elevator. I saw the color drain from Nick¡¯s face in the wake of that statement. I must have looked the same. Why why why why why God Dammit Why?! Why would she say that?! Was she trying to light the match? She must know what I¡¯m trying to prevent by now. It¡¯s like she wants to se-¡­¡­.. ¡°Lizzie-¡° I began. ¡°-everythi-¡­. I¡­. I didn¡¯t do anything¡­ it was them. I didn¡¯t do¡­ any-¡­¡± Nick mumbled. He was shaking. I could tell that he was very close to screaming. We needed to leave. Now. I could not have that egg timer reset again. I looked at the bookshelf and then looked back at him. ¡°Goddammit there¡¯s no time for this. I¡¯m not a part of that community. The day they took me in, one of their people died because of me. I didn¡¯t care. I still don¡¯t care. I hate those people, and I frankly cannot decide if I would rather stay down here or not when I think of some of their faces. That feeling is unbelievably mutual between us. I¡¯m not leaving for myself, I¡¯m leaving to get her back up there. That¡¯s what the fuck we need to do, and if you want to leave, that¡¯s what the fuck we need to focus on. Get your shit together, and help me get her out of this goddamn hole. Fucking please.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I¡­¡­ okay,¡± He replied. I sighed a breath of relief as Nick walked towards the bookshelf carefully. The tasteless hyperbole of comparing R&E against this place felt monumentally insensitive to Anne and Anthony, but I needed a string to pull Nick along a little. I didn¡¯t have a choice. I looked at Lizzie. She looked slightly frustrated. I realized that while it might not be the real her doing it, there was a very real antagonist to my effort somewhere inside of her head. Maybe I¡¯m the antagonist and it is the protagonist, but I¡¯m not up for pondering that right now. It¡¯s got itself a competition if that¡¯s what it wants. I¡¯m game. ¡°Go help him with the bookshelf. Now,¡± I scolded her. She met eyes with me angrily. I didn¡¯t know how well I planned that authority to operate over her, but she huffed and stomped away to follow Nick. I shined the flashlight around the ground in pursuit of what I had lost. I saw it glinting, and stepped over Abel¡¯s body to grab the pole from the floor. I kneeled down to take it when I heard him whisper. ¡°Yoooou¡¯re m-making a mistake¡­..¡± I jumped to spin around and look at him. His eye lids were fluttering like an aperture. His pupils were staring up, the rest of his body motionless. Blood was leaking through his hair from a throbbing geyser on his forehead. I considered pretending not to have heard him. I would do good to ignore him altogether. I¡¯m not so sure of the power dynamic that he might have held over the rest, but I don¡¯t think Anne and Anthony became this way on their own. I felt stable in my distaste for what Abel seemed to represent. ¡°Don¡¯t see how that¡¯s any of your fucking business if I am.¡± No response came. Nick and Lizzie had dislodged the shelf from the rough ground, and began inching it over extremely slowly to avoid the obnoxious scraping sound. I put the pole under my armpit. Somewhat unintelligently, I leaned closer to Abel¡¯s body. He was surely too incapacitated to grab me, but I didn¡¯t even consider the possibility that I shouldn¡¯t get too close to him. ¡°Lizzie is gonna be fine, and it won¡¯t be because of you. Think about that when your face ends up in a picture up there,¡± I said. ¡°Heh¡­. What the he-¡­ hell are you talking about?¡± I stood up. ¡°Nothing,¡± I said as I kicked his leg. ¡°It¡¯s an inside joke.¡± I began to walk away. ¡°We¡­ can¡¯t all be saved¡­¡± he called out. I paused, wanting to look back, but deciding strongly against it. I¡¯ll take that warning into consideration when I include myself in what WE can and cannot do. I walked back to the rest of the group. ¡°Hey,¡± Anthony said as I looked towards him. ¡°I did you a favor, so you have to do me one.¡± ¡°¡­. Yeah¡­. I guess¡­..¡± That truthfully all depends. The bar was high from me to him, but not astronomically high. His expression became softer. More distraught. ¡°I um¡­. I really did never learn to do it myself. Not quickly anyway so¡­¡­ when you leave¡­¡­ can you just make sure that you leave the hatch open?¡± I froze up. I didn¡¯t try to hide it. If he was planning suicide by Staff, I didn¡¯t know how quick it was going to be. I imagined the split second after Anthony¡¯s hands would slip from Anne Marie¡¯s neck, as her body would fall to the floor. In an instant, he would be plunged into isolation. Such a sudden irreversible sea change¡­ I wouldn¡¯t want to spend a second in that emptiness¡­ let alone spend my last moments in it¡­.. ¡°Okay¡­.. I will.¡± His eyes slid closed. ¡°Thank you,¡± He said. A horrible death? Maybe¡­ but I¡¯m not here to say if I think it¡¯s worse than ¡°living¡± in this hole. The bookshelf appeared in my vision as it was planted into the floor. Lizzie stood in front of me angrily. I prepared for the caustic slight that she was about to spit at me. ¡°I don¡¯t need you to save me. I don¡¯t care about your intention, I want you to get out of here too. Don¡¯t throw your life away for me.¡± I didn¡¯t respond, as I couldn¡¯t pin that as an angry or heartfelt statement. ¡°Can you get the rock out of your head and say something?!¡± She snapped. Tough talk coming from the person that made me wait twenty minutes for each of their responses earlier. ¡°Alright, fine. You and me, not just you. Let¡¯s get the fuck out of here,¡± I responded. Her brow furrowed. ¡°Yeah but don¡¯t-¡­¡­. Yeah.¡± I looked to Nick as I held the bat out for him to grab. ¡°You go first. Then Lizzie, then me,¡± I said to him. He cringed as he looked back and forth from the bat to me. I remembered what it was covered in, as I embarrassingly stepped closer and offered him the handle instead. ¡°You know¡­ because you¡­ know where you¡¯re going,¡± I added. ¡°Okkkkaaaay¡­¡± He said as he took the bat awkwardly. He waited a couple of second, then put it gently back down on the ground. ¡°Thanks.¡± ¡°Wait! We¡­..¡± Lizzie tugged on my ringfinger. ¡°We¡¯re bringing Kanata, right?¡± She said. Kanata? How the hell are we supposed to get the dog out of- Nick put his hand on my shoulder. ¡°Yeah, and she has to go first. I¡¯ll get her up there if you spot me,¡± He said. ¡°Uh¡­ yeah, just tell me what to do.¡± Nick nodded. Faster than I could prepare myself to be surprised, he began scaling the bookshelf, then entering the shaft. He grappled the walls like he was born on the side of a cliff. In a matter of ten seconds, he had suspended himself by the legs, leaning back against the wall of the hole entrance. I tried to pretend that I didn¡¯t think it was the cooling thing I¡¯d ever seen as he looked back towards me. ¡°Alright, place her on top of the bookshelf.¡± I looked towards Lizzie. ¡°Can you¡­¡± She hurriedly spun around towards Kanata. I heard her softly cooing as Kanata waltzed into her arms. Lizzie groaned as she picked up Kanata and brought her over to me. I set down my pole and flashlight as I took Kanata from her gently, her weight being a fair deal more than I expected. ¡°Hey, girl. I gotcha.¡± I reached upwards, feeling an immediate unbearable strain in my side. I stumbled back slightly, clutching Kanata to my chest. ¡°Are you alright?¡± Lizzie said. I stood there frozen, telling myself I couldn¡¯t do it. I was scared to feel it again. You can, you have to. Just push a little harder. ¡°Yes, stop asking me that.¡± Nick and Lizzie stared at me in distress. They both were silently debating whether I would actually be able to get out of the pit or not. I was debating the same thing with myself. I took a deep breath in and lifted up her weight again, as I heard the stretch in my eardrums. She struggled awkwardly for a few moments, but clawed her front legs up, gaining a foothold on the top shelf. ¡°Come on, get up there,¡± I begged. She must be damaged too. I¡¯m sure there¡¯s more reasons than a ¡°no pets allowed¡± rule to explain why I haven¡¯t seen any other animals here. ¡°You¡¯ve got a job to do.¡± Kanata scrambled for a second, and finally got her hinds leg onto the side of the bookshelf. I exhaled in relief and flopped into jelly, bringing myself down to the floor. Kanata panted happily at the top like a champion. Lizzie came and stood over me. ¡°You have to be able to stand if you want to escape.¡± ¡°Shut up,¡± I said as I pushed myself back up. ¡°I haven¡¯t trained on the Kanata lifting bench in a long time.¡± She shot me a confused grimace as she turned to the bookshelf. Nick climbed further up the shaft, as I heard the small scratch of the tile being removed. We were open to the elements. I quivered a little, almost like the expanded environment was breathing down my neck. Nick carefully maneuvered back down to his previous position, gripping the wall with his knees. He reached his hands down towards the bookshelf. ¡°Here, girl.¡± Bull-fucking-horse-shit. Kanata shifted on her hind legs, scoping the distance to Nick. He wasn¡¯t that far in front of her, but he was so high. There was just no way she could reach his arms. She wasn¡¯t a cat, right? Well, maybe Kanata learned how to shift-jump from her previous master, because it was almost like a circus trick. Like a perfect Olympian, she vaulted just enough for him to grab her chest and lift her to his shoulders. ¡°Gotcha.¡± I was in awe as he lifted her slowly in his arms. I turned next to me to see Lizzie planting her feet and hands on the bookshelf. She turned back to me. ¡°Are you ready?¡± She asked. What¡¯s the answer you would like to hear from me right now? ¡°Just go please. I¡¯ve been ready since I came down here.¡± She gave me a scowl and began climbing. Her left hand had reached the top when she paused for a good amount of time. She looked down towards Anthony and Anne Marie. I¡¯m sure she wanted to say something, but what is she supposed to say in this situation? How was she supposed to find the words? ¡°I would have rather died alone. I hope it¡¯s painful for you.¡± Yeah, believe it or not, that was slightly more uncomfortable than the sentiment I was imagining. They both said nothing in response, as she turned back around after a couple painful seconds and forced herself gently up to the top ledge. That statement made me incredibly scared in a way I can¡¯t explain. It was a different kind of scared than the one I already extremely was. I was scared to save Lizzie. I was scared that I was making the wrong decision. A familiar cloud started over my head. Nick shook Kanata a little in his arms, riling her up. ¡°Alright girl, you got it?¡± He nudged Kanata up to the top of the shaft. I could hear her claws slipping around on the linoleum. I still didn¡¯t know how much sound would set those fuckers on us, but the hatch had been open for a while now. I saw the back end of Kanata disappear from Nick¡¯s hands as the clawing sound ceased. Nick looked back down at us, as if to urge us to get moving. He placed his hands back in the rungs of the shaft, and one by one, climbed to the opening. His leg hung down as the rest of his body sat on the upper floor. ¡°The bat,¡± He said. ¡°Hand it to me,¡± Lizzie said as she looked back down to me. I took it from the ground, and this time, held the muddied end and extended the handle to Lizzie. It felt inappropriate handing it to her at all, but she wasn¡¯t in striking range of any other human but me at the moment. She turned around, and instead of handing the weapon to Nick, threw it up the hole to him. I saw it slip slightly in his hands before he jumped forward to grab it again. He visibly cringed as he placed it somewhere out of view and looked back down to us. Lizzie was next. Kanata had made the jump by reaching the safety of Nick¡¯s arms. Sure, Lizzie had opposable thumbs and much more useful limbs, but she was much shorter than Nick. She wouldn¡¯t be able to reach the first grapple. ¡°Hey,¡± I called out. She looked back down at me with a face full of shut the fuck up. ¡°You want me to hold you up?¡± I offered. She rolled her eyes. ¡°I think I can handle it.¡± She turned around and swiftly jumped up high towards the shaft, catching her left fingers in the bottom rung, swinging against the rough rock wall, and slowly rocking back and forth. I was still more impressed by the dog, but it was pretty fucking cool. She pulled herself up to getting her other hand in the opposite divot, and displayed an impressive amount of upper body strength to pull herself upwards. She raised just high enough to move to the second set. Then, in one swift motion, both her hands left their places on the wall and swung upwards to catch Nick¡¯s ankle at the top of the shaft. She climbed up it like an ape on a vine until he could pull her up, and then they both disappeared upwards from the shaft. I was figuratively and literally left in disbelief. My turn, I think. I was about to begin climbing when it whispered in my ear. Above me, all around me. I started thinking about something. Lizzie is out of the hole. I of course recognized that she was still in a very bad place, but she was out. Let¡¯s say I¡¯m going to find my way back up there to the surface, and do this finding a way to live thing. Let¡¯s say I can live with myself. What if that¡¯s the wrong decision? What if I¡¯m not supposed to be fighting? Lizzie¡¯s whisper rang in my head. We all wouldn¡¯t be here if we were supposed to be okay. I could have died in total vain, but I didn¡¯t. I got her out of this pit. Is that enough? Did I have to leave? What if I stayed here with these two? What if I did it for Anthony? Not only would he not have to die alone, but it wouldn¡¯t be by the hands of those things. What was stronger? My fear of pushing myself through The Warehouse, or my fear of taking his place? Nick knew The Warehouse better than me. He had a weapon, and the help of Kanata. I think he could take her the rest of the way. The ¡°staying behind for the sake of the group trope¡± is a kind of cinematic way to go. I really do think that I might only weigh them down. Why not just- ¡°Asshole. You awake?¡± Anthony said as I looked over. My head was spinning. The ability to be the one making the decision was slipping from me the more I thought about everything. I was right back in that chair. Crumpling. I needed a way out of the fog and out from under that cloud. I needed to get away from the storm. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I tried it Lizzie¡¯s way. ¡°Well, see you in the next Hell, guys. Go ahead and give up on this one, see if I fucking care. What kind of a coward just dies like this?¡± It didn¡¯t work. Lizzie hadn¡¯t done it for the same reason I had. I could see that Anne and Anthony both knew I didn¡¯t mean it. They both stayed silent in an attempt to help me shake myself out of it. Fuck you, I didn¡¯t ask for your help. You don¡¯t even know what you¡¯re helping against. I grabbed the flashlight off of the floor, raised my left middle finger to them, and turned towards the bookshelf. I shoved the flashlight in my pocket still glowing, and began climbing. The faces of Anthony and Anne Marie began disappearing from my peripheral as the light followed me higher in the room. I tried to pretend my side wasn¡¯t being stabbed with a hot poker. It seared with every movement of force. I was a perfect mixture of physical devastation and confused motivation. The bookshelf felt as though it was fifty miles high. I reached the tallest rung as it wobbled below me. I pushed myself up, reaching to the other side of the shelf to brush my stomach up on the top. I brought all of my limbs shakily onto the top surface and slowly brought my body up to standing, clasping my palms on the ceiling for support. I wrapped up a small portion of my teal blue shirt around the bezel of the flashlight as the color of the room followed. I turned to look back down at the two of them. I almost fell off of the bookshelf from how much I was shaking. I still haven¡¯t made up my mind. Please convince me to stay. Say something. Anything. Tell me how hopeless it is. I¡¯ll let go right here and now. Literally and figu- ¡°Come on!¡± I heard Lizzie¡¯s voice call to me from above. I gritted my teeth, and averted my gaze from the awkward black and blue below me. Okay, maybe I¡¯m not supposed to fight. That sounds like a fantastic reason to fight. I extended my left hand. My fingers slipped into the first divot. I slowly inched my feet to the edge of the bookshelf. I felt the bulk of the bookshelf shifting. In a worried rush, I grabbed for the opposite divot with my right hand. I squeezed my eyes closed as I let the weight of my body drop from the side into the air. I hung from both divots, the edge of the shaft just below my forearm. I felt very alone all of a sudden, as if nobody was above or below. My fingers were already getting tired. There were three more pairs of divots above me. Nick¡¯s leg was no longer hanging into the shaft. Thanks for the fucking help. Whatever, let¡¯s do it. I pulled myself up with both arms. My vision looked and felt like somebody had poured boiling water into my eyes. I didn¡¯t stop, my head reached the second set as I shot my right hand up to the hole, quickly following with my left. I let myself hang again. I could barely breathe. ¡°Godda-¡° I heard a sickening crack echo below me, followed by a mass hitting the ground. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I wanted to fucking scream. You mother fucker. Why would you do it while I was still here?! Why would you make me hear it?! I felt that crack in my stomach. I felt that body hit the floor. I¡¯m surprised I hadn¡¯t let go. I wanted to. I wanted to drop back down and beat Anthony to death myself. My fingers caught my attention. Fuck him, you¡¯re going to be traumatized by it later, so save the emotion for then. Focus on the task at bleeding hand. Alright, back to climbing. I started raising my legs. My abdominal muscles felt only partially torn to shreds. I scrunched up my body, my feet reaching each opposite first divot. Once they were secured, I stood, letting my back rest against the wall of the shaft. That brief pause of respite was the most feverishly orgasmic thing I had possibly ever felt. I couldn¡¯t stop there though. The third set of holds were further than the previous distance had been. I could probably reach it if I jumped, but if I didn¡¯t catch myself almost immediately, I was going straight back down. If I fell down, I knew very well that I would not be coming back up again. All of a sudden, my right foot slipped from the foothold. I felt my body jump out of its own skin as I braced myself to the shaft with my right elbow, pressuring my left foot extremely uncomfortably against the divot. The rough wall gauged nicely into the skin of my arm. Cool, good test of what NOT to do. I caught my breath as my head spun like a tornado. I calmed myself down and brought my dangling leg back to the right foothold, feeling the blood from my arm dripping into my sock. Part of my skin was lodged in the jagged wall. I winced as I brought my hand steadily back up to the clasp. I felt like I wanted to leave it where it was. No, wake up. What was I gonna do? Jump? Was that really the plan? I would be jumping more with my hands than my feet, throwing my body. My arm had been slightly fucked up by the fall from Abel¡¯s stranglehold. It wasn¡¯t too bad, but it would make ¡°jumping¡± like that difficult. Okay, difficult isn¡¯t a good word. Impossible is better. I thought about the stone that just cut me. This thing is almost a fucking rock climbing wall on its own. With the other three limbs secure, I brought my right leg forward, and planted my foot in front of me. This is such a fucking dumb plan. I used the pressure from my foot to plant my back into the wall. I could feel that my shirt was not enough to protect my back from the jagged surface. My skin was being grated raw with barely any motion. Get over it. I trusted my arms and back to hold me as I brought my second foot out of the foothold, and pressed it against the wall. Now, push up with the arms. My back screamed as I moved slowly up the shaft. I didn¡¯t feel at all secure. I was waiting for the ¡°oh shit¡± moment to snatch me back down into the darkness. I carefully moved my right foot up. It didn¡¯t work the way I thought it would. I thought I could just inch my feet slowly up with my back. I didn¡¯t think about the much smaller surface area my feet held in comparison. Not every place on the wall was gripping my shoes. I felt around with my left foot until I felt a spot that gripped back. Grip to foot, slide. Grip to foot, slide. Feel your back leaking into your pants, grip to foot, slide. I kept myself stable as I continued to move myself up the shaft. How the fuck did Nick do this so easily? I wasn¡¯t Nick, or Lizzie. Even as close as I was to the top, I wasn¡¯t so sure I could do this. I was so tired. I felt a little dramatic as I saw that the next divots were in reach. I slowly took the weight off my right hand, but quickly shot it back. That did not feel stable. Instead of transferring it, I slowly inched up the wall up to the next. After it felt secure, I did the same with the next, sliding my palm with pressure up above my head. Each sore hand secure in the next divots. One more set to go. I didn¡¯t rest this time. The next was closer. Rinse. Repeat. This time you can really use your arms. Come on. Just get me out. I made my decision and I¡¯m sure of it. I know that I¡¯m full of shit. I don¡¯t care if Lizzie is safe, but I¡¯ll make sure she is. So get me out. Just get me out of this fucking hole. Grip to foot, arm pressure, slide. Grip to foot, arm pressure, slide. Grip to foot, arm pressure, slide. Grip to foot, arm pressure, slide. Grip to foot, arm pressure, slide. Grip to foot, arm pressure, slide. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Left divot, right divot. My forehead was at the surface. I almost ejaculated with pride. I pressed myself securely enough to click off the flashlight with my left hand. Now, how do I pull myself out? I wasn¡¯t about to ask for help aloud. I¡¯ll just get some leverage from above by putting my hand on this COLD FOOT. I felt the ¡°Oh shit¡± drop surge through my body, but I didn¡¯t drop down. ¡°SIR!¡± It yelled above me. Fuck fuck fuck. I felt the foot land in the hole, just barely missing my side, as the long body tripped and fell on the opposite side of it above. The ankle brushed across my stomach as it flew forward. Now I know why Nick¡¯s leg wasn¡¯t in the shaft anymore. The fucker had been standing right there for God knows how long. Can The Staff see in the dark? Of course they fucking can, what kind of dumb question is that? I know a better question: What the fuck do I do? I am in no fucking condition to fight. Even if I was, I don¡¯t even have the- I hear and feel the wind rush up past my body, as a couple seconds later, the sound of the pole clattering sounds about fifteen feet away from the hole. Following it is the sound of the staff member barreling towards it, plowing and ripping through unseen furniture to try and destroy whatever had caused the sound. My heart pounds in the pitch black darkness as I place my left hand back up to the actual floor. It¡¯s almost comedic that it was immediately grabbed by two small hands at my wrist. I wanted to shit my pants, I really did. It would probably ease a lot of the stress. ¡°Push up and out, Nick will grab your shoulders,¡± Lizzie¡¯s voice felt like an almost medicinal blanket of calm. Sir, yes, sir. I used the very last of my strength to edge myself to the brim of the hole. I felt Nick¡¯s hands slide under my armpits, as I was pulled slowly and silently onto the cold floor of The Warehouse. Resting there on the ground was much more of a win than I thought I would be getting in my lifetime ten minutes ago. I was furious with Anthony, but I silently thanked him for helping me get this far. As much as I wanted to not be, I was reluctant to leave him. But I did it. Well, kinda. Now I just had to keep doing it. I heard the beast thrashing around in the endless darkness in front of me. Nick¡¯s hands fumbled and clutched around my collarbone. I grabbed for the flashlight in my pocket, slowly unveiling it. The battery inside shook against the bottle as Lizzie¡¯s hand shot to my wrist. ¡°No,¡± She whispered. I slowly inched it back into my pocket. ¡°It would be like a beacon right now,¡± Nick agreed. He began to stand, still attached to me. I was beginning to hear the sounds swarm from the far distances of my surroundings. I shakily followed Nick up to my feet. He slowly moved my body into his desired direction as I tried not to lose my footing. I heard the gentle scrape of the bat being lifted behind me as he planted his free hand on my shoulder. Walking would be less physically arduous than scaling the shaft, but it didn¡¯t mean that standing was easy. Nick began to push me in one static direction, but I resisted. I reached my hand behind, feeling in the void. Lizzie¡¯s hand took mine and squeezed it. Okay¡­¡­ okay. I began to move. I tried to roll my feet gracefully like before. I found it extremely difficult. Even after falling down that fucking escalator, I was somewhat capable of competent movement. Not anymore. I could barely feel my legs. I was stumbling even in Nick¡¯s grasp. I felt Lizzie string my arm around as she moved ahead, helping guide me in the right direction. They were technically in the same unnavigable darkness as me, but I felt like I was a blind man being carted by his three caretakers. Slow steps. There¡¯s no hurry. Right? Oh wait. Yes there is. I could feel it through my shoes. It was like an earthquake. I could hear the sporadic circle of snapping and crushing slowly growing smaller towards me. How do I deal with this? Not that I¡¯m the one in the group expressly dealing with things right now. It¡¯s closing in on us. More specifically, they¡¯re closing in on the 1 on 1 cage match between the pole and that Staff member, but we¡¯re in the way. They can see in the dark. We can¡¯t. When one of your senses goes, the others are supposed to be heightened. I¡¯ve always felt like that must just be a pseudoscientific observation. If you have 20% less things to focus on, obviously you would be more in tune with the remaining 80%. There¡¯s less on your mind¡¯s plate to process. Like how my terrifying total loss of vision (and almost sensation of feel) is forcing me to focus on the only thing I can grasp properly. Sound. Like the sound of the excavator that was barreling towards me. Lizzie froze solid. Nick tried to pull back on my shoulder. I hadn¡¯t been moving on my own. I tried to stop myself. It didn¡¯t work. The tip of my sneaker squeaked loudly across the smooth floor as the intensity of the approaching force noticeably doubled in speed and volume. Despite that, it was quickly drowned out by a noise that was somehow much more harrowing. ¡°AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH¡± Anthony¡¯s scream tore through the darkness. It was like I could feel the trajectory of every Staff member in The Warehouse move from me to the pit. Even the one that was essentially right in front me. ¡°SIR!¡± It wasn¡¯t talking to me. Anthony was still screaming. I heard the bat being thrown away somewhere random. Nick pulled me forcefully down to the ground as my arm brought Lizzie down with me. I hit the floor as the foot ran over me, plunging directly into my left shoulder before lunging past us. Another body part crippled. It was getting hard to keep a list. Behind us, a culminating wall of almost overpoweringly strident noise was forming itself. It was so loud it was clipping in my ears. Over all the smashing furniture, yelling employees, and wet impacts, Anthony¡¯s scream reigned supreme, only faltering to breathe. It was the most horrible thing I had ever heard, simply by the realization. Even as fast as they were, the staff had definitely not reached him in the time it took him to start screaming. I knew Anthony¡¯s scream wasn¡¯t a cry for help, or a cry of pain. Anthony¡¯s scream had been a beacon. Come and get me. Kanata began licking my face as I shook out of hypnosis. There were still Staff members running past us as I began pulling myself to my feet without help. My attention to my body was stolen by the ongoing screams from the hole. I stood upright, Kanata brushing through my legs. Just a little more. Just a little more pain to get Lizzie upstairs. After that? Who fucking cares. I reached out my arm in front of me as I felt her hands grip my wrist. Nick leaned into my ear behind me. ¡°Think you can run?¡± He was halfway to yelling. I guess it didn¡¯t matter. ¡°I can try,¡± I responded. He smacked my shoulder twice. Giddyup. New objective: Move, and just keep mo- Somehow I didn¡¯t fall. I had just begun trying to run when Lizzie¡¯s hands slipped from my wrist, and I felt her body brush against my leg. Fuck. I bent down. ¡°Lizzie!¡± I could barely hear my own voice. Anthony¡¯s scream was slowly becoming more and more muffled. I shook her shoulders on the ground. Limp. Fuck fuck fuck. ¡°Nick, she¡¯s not moving.¡± Nick didn¡¯t respond. Maybe he didn¡¯t hear me, but I knew he knew what the problem was. ¡°Nick!¡± ¡°SIR!¡± I jumped out of my skin as I heard a voice aimed at my back. ¡°RUFF RUFF!¡± I heard Kanata flying away to divert its attention. My brain was so tired. It was trying to run at a million miles a second when it was barely capable of running at static speed. What the fuck am I supposed to do? ¡°Can you-¡­¡± I was just about to call out to Nick again when I heard the unthinkable. The sound of Nick running away from us in the darkness. Fucking worm. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Hopeless. That¡¯s the only word that I could think of to describe my situation. I was frozen. What do I do? How do I save her? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Is Lizzie going to die? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I know I am, but¡­¡­¡­ that can¡¯t happen. She can¡¯t die. That¡¯s too cruel. That¡¯s not how the real world works. Even in a world that isn¡¯t real, something like that isn¡¯t possible. It can¡¯t be, God. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I might as well try. I wrapped my arms under her frail, motionless body. I forced my weight into my knees as I lifted completely with my back and none with my arms. Despite the fact that I was beyond blind, I was seeing stars just fine. I stumbled to my feet as I clutched her body to my chest. I felt more dizzy than the first time I experienced the lights going off in this place. Dizzy isn¡¯t even a good word, incapacitated is better. Lizzie felt like a giant sack of lead in my arms. I grasped the concept of stability as I stood stricken with helplessness. The idea of helping Lizzie felt so horrifyingly far out of my capability that I wanted to cry. I was probably going to. Useless helpless worthless fucking lowlife scum I can¡¯t do anything. My body is broken. I had never imagined any realistic situation in my life that would lead to me feeling this absolutely debilitated. I¡¯m so terrified. Not of dying. I¡¯m not saying I¡¯ve made peace with it, but it seems likely that I¡¯m not far from my assisted expiration. Quite honestly, I¡¯m just terrified about how much longer this can go on for. I¡¯m terrified to see how much worse it can get. How much deeper can I pathetically drown in this shallow pond of futility? Let¡¯s find out. I began to walk. I was practically rattling. My whole body was quivering as if I was beginning to freeze to death. One step felt like twenty. It was beginning to get hard to hear Anthony¡¯s wailing at all. My ears had to actively search for the sound in the giant mix of noise. Tick tock. I could feel Lizzie stirring. I assumed that the vibrating sensations were her groans of agony. She didn¡¯t feel like she was bleeding. I had no fucking idea what was wrong with her. Hold on, Elizabeth. I¡¯m trying. I¡¯m trying really fucking hard. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª But that doesn¡¯t really mean anything. There¡¯s only so much a body can do, especially one as feeble as mine. I¡¯m a coward, and I know it too well. It¡¯s what I¡¯ve always been. I¡¯ve spent my entire life living in the grasp of that exact same sterile cowardice. Maybe I¡¯m not supposed to fight. That sounds likes a fantastic reason to fight. Such a heroically elegiac thought on my part. It was nice to believe in it for a bit. I still want to, but I¡¯m so weak. I feel like I¡¯ve fought hard enough in my last moments. Is it okay to give up now? Have I earned the right to let go? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I barely heard her say something. I felt it more than I heard it. I leaned my ear down to her. ¡°What did you say?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°It¡¯s okay.¡± Goddammit, shut the fuck up. Don¡¯t say that. Don¡¯t tell me what I want to hear. ¡°Don¡¯t feel bad.¡± Oh yeah, of course, why didn¡¯t I fucking think of that? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Should I listen to her? That was a pretty emotionally expensive idea. What do I do? Drop her on the ground and save myself? No, I don¡¯t want to, but only because there¡¯s no use in trying to save myself now. Drop her on the ground and walk back to the pit? Tap one of those things on the shoulder and ask for their help to end it? Should I bring her with me? Put her out of her- ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Maybe I hated Abel for the idea of him trying to save her in the only realistic way that he could down there. Maybe he was doing the right thing. I mean, yeah she¡¯s a child, but what really makes her different from anyone else here? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Maybe I¡¯m just as fucked up as they were. Maybe I¡¯m worse for making her go through all this trouble. Without me, she never would have done what she did down there. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯m sorry, Elizabeth. Maybe you could have made your way to safety without me somehow. I¡¯m sorry if I only ruined it for you. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯ve got some good news anyway. I don¡¯t have to decide the ending on my own. One of them is running towards me. It should all be over soon, I hope. Maybe it¡¯s really slow. Patrick¡¯s elongated screams play in my head every time I hope against that. It¡¯s probably fairly excruciating. Hopefully it¡¯s painless for Lizzie anyway. Should I make the decision for her before it gets here? As if I¡¯d have the fucking guts. Too late. It¡¯s only just a couple steps away. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The footsteps stopped in front of me, as Nick¡¯s arms slipped past mine and scooped Lizzie out of my grasp. My emotions were running serpentine. ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I¡­. I panicked. I didn¡¯t think we would-¡° I grabbed him by the neck and leaned into his ear. ¡°Just shut the fuck up and help me save her.¡± I couldn¡¯t hear Anthony no matter how hard I searched. It¡¯s quiet time, even though it doesn¡¯t sound that way. Also, I was really fucking mad at Nick, and just wanted a reason to tell him to shut the fuck up. I put my hands on his shoulders as he turned and began walking. It¡¯s possible that being unrealistic is akin to murder itself in this case. Well, as long as Nick is helping, the blood is on his hands as well. I¡¯m still incredibly unhappy, but I also could kiss him right now. Crazy how the person that just essentially left a little girl and I for dead, all of a sudden feels like my salvation. I don¡¯t exactly feel saved yet, as I¡¯ll probably still pass out from exhaustion before we make it upstairs. Nick can carry Lizzie. I just want to be alive to see that she¡¯s taken out of here. Even if it¡¯s seeing the two of them escape as I¡¯m being dragged to the pits of hell. Elizabeth escaping: That¡¯s all that matters. New objective: Live to see that happen. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯m not saying I feel better, but it sort of just feels like sleepwalking now. I¡¯m subconsciously urging my body to repeat the same motion, and just hoping that it¡¯s listening. If it¡¯s not, I wouldn¡¯t notice. I can barely feel Nick¡¯s shoulders. I can¡¯t feel the ground below me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Even as far away as I feel like we should be from the hole, the noise has barely faded. Hopefully Anthony is dead now. Any Hell someone believes in would probably be a relief in comparison to the continuation of whatever the fuck is still happening back there. It refuses to subside. My eardrums are pulsating with fatigue. I feel like I may be close to losing my handle on one of the only remaining senses I have. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Every once in a while, I hear one walking near us. They started just passing on their way to the commotion, but it¡¯s getting more obvious. I know I¡¯m walking sloppily, and I must be making noises. The further we get from the mess, the more likely it is that I¡¯m going to set one off. I think I hear- ¡°SIR!¡± Well, no better time than the present. I hear a clattering around the ground somewhere to the far left of me. It¡¯s a familiar material. The wet footsteps move towards the sound and away from us. I¡¯m sure it¡¯s Kanata at work. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I still can¡¯t feel the ground under my feet, but I feel the difference when we step onto the carpeted landmark. I look to the left as Nick¡¯s shoulders pull me there. There¡¯s no light to be seen. If it was daytime upstairs, our light sensitive eyes would absolutely be able to see it from here. Making it up the escalator won¡¯t be enough. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The frequency at which a staff member is coming towards us is becoming uncomfortably often. The strange metallic banging continues to sound every time, but in each instance, it will take the staff member more and more convincing to be distracted from us. Just a couple more times and they might not be distracted at all. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The motherfucker was so close it bumped into Nick that time. I heard it double back before my guardian angel had to bark to coerce it. That small brush of harsh encounter was setting Nick off. He had begun walking a little sloppily himself. We won¡¯t last much longer like this. I could feel a little more in the somewhat relieved upper half of my body, but I wish I couldn¡¯t. I felt like I was still carrying Lizzie from this fucking pressure in my chest. A countdown was being formulated inside of me. (Continued in Part Six 2/2) Part Six 2/2 (Continuing from Part Six 1/2) ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Nick stopped walking. I couldn¡¯t stop as I bumped into his back. I could hear a small ambience, like a constant electronic stream. The escalator. It was still a good distance away, but I could hear it, the thunderstorm back at the hole only slightly overpowering it. The opening of the outcropping must have been a two or three minute stumble away. ¡°Just wait for a minute,¡± He whispered. What fucking ever man. Say jump. I felt a small object bump against the back of my leg. I lost the ability to be startled about fifteen minutes ago. I reached behind me to feel Kanata¡¯s head land in my palm. I reached down to her mouth to find that Excalibur had been returned to me. I slid the pole out of her grip. I counted my blessings that I had the strength to grip it in my palm. There were too many pairs of wet footsteps moving around the immediate area. Abel had said they watch that escalator like the president. Stupid motherfuckers. If customers are in The Warehouse, you should be escorting them out, not grabbing to keep them in an employees-only area for all eternity. Who pays these assholes? I leaned into Nick¡¯s ear. My voice shook like it had an effect pedal. ¡°Flashlight?¡± ¡°You realize that once it goes on you¡¯re starting a war, right?¡± Kind of. A weird part of me wanted to do it right now just to end the nervous trauma. ¡°How long are we supposed to wait? Are they gonna disperse?¡± I asked. ¡°No, they never would. That¡¯s not what we¡¯re waiting for¡­¡­.. I¡¯m just scared.¡± For fuck¡¯s sake. I have no room to talk, but at this point? I held the pole upright and gripped it at the end with both hands. If I pretend it¡¯s a katana, I feel a little stronger. My katana from Kanata. ¡°What can I do to help you?¡± I said. ¡°Make an elevator?¡± Think you could buy one at IKEA? Maybe I can find a schematic for it. ¡°I can¡¯t promise you that I¡¯m not gonna pass out in the next three minutes if I keep standing still.¡± ¡°Well then fff-fucking bob in place, I don¡¯t know. Stop talking.¡± This is fucking ridiculous. ¡°Nick, we have to go.¡± ¡°I know, I know¡­¡­¡­¡­. can you even use that thing if you¡¯re gonna pass out? You can barely even stand.¡± I thought about not answering. ¡°I¡¯ll figure it out.¡± Nick was clearly not realizing my nearly out of the question chance of making it up that escalator. The moment I have to actually ¡°use that thing¡±, is a moment I will not be spending much mortal time in. Telling him what was actually happening inside of me would probably give him a reason to drop Lizzie and run again like a little bitch. I¡¯ll choose not to explain myself, and leave him more hopeful of the situation. He sighed carefully. ¡°¡­¡­Alright¡­¡­.. I¡¯ll go by your call¡­¡­..¡± He said. Hear that, asshole? It¡¯s in your hands now. You wanna call it ridiculous? Take the fucking helm. ¡°Do you know where the clearing begins?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Alright¡­ let¡¯s walk to it. Once you reach it, I¡¯ll throw on the flashlight so you can see, and they¡¯ll be drawn to me. Bolt for the escalator with Lizzie. Kanata and I will figure it out.¡± ¡°What kind of stupid fucking plan is that?¡± ¡°Shut up. It¡¯s the plan where not all of us die at once if things go wrong.¡± ¡°You¡¯re an idiot. You¡¯re just trying to make a plan that leaves it back in my control, not yours.¡± ¡°You wanna make a better one, or are you gonna walk?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Fuckin¡­. Okay-shit shit shit-okay¡­.¡± ¡°I need you here, Nick-¡° ¡°-yeah, I-..¡­¡­.. yeah, let¡¯s do it.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I heard the soft rolling of Nick¡¯s feet moving away from me. I followed, putting all the strength in my body towards my ankles keeping a solid state of matter. The real struggle was about to start. It was quite likely that I would be too out of it to notice that Nick had started running, and get killed out of what I¡¯d think is nowhere. Final stretch¡­¡­.. well, not really. Just don¡¯t get distracted. Maybe more valorous folks would disagree, but I¡¯m personally finding it very hard to get psyched up when I¡¯m considering myself the walking dead. I¡¯m currently attempting to do a mental run through of some of my worst moments. I¡¯m hoping to build up a similar rage to the one that broke my bedside table. Though, that was somewhat of an isolated incident. Believe that or don¡¯t, I don¡¯t fucking care. I never really grasped the concept of using anger as a motivator. It just leads to fighting blind instead of smart. As if I wasn¡¯t blind enough right now. Anyway, on a somewhat parallel note, I¡¯m happy to say that this awful experience has made me grow very tired of my own cryptic attitude. Stupid of a practice as I think it is, if I¡¯m going to die, I shouldn¡¯t leave anything unsaid. If this is going to be my final pre-addendum offering to the story, I should let some baggage off. You deserve it, right? You¡¯ve sat through enough monotony to get here. Then you can readily decide your opinion on¡­. it¡­.. for yourself. Uhh¡­ yeah! I think that works the best. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Well¡­¡­. I don''t really know how to start. She was my girlfriend in high school. I think it started in junior year. No, maybe it was sophomore. It doesn¡¯t really matter I guess. We met in physics class. Maybe it was junior year then. All I remember is that no matter how old I was, I was out of my fucking depth. I¡¯d feel more confident explaining my math on the construction of this IKEA than I would the factor of gravity in force. She was quiet. I was too, at least, I tried to act that way by the time I got to high school. Toby told me once that two quiet people should never seek each other out. Well, we didn¡¯t exactly seek each other out. It was more like- ¡°-Flashlight FLASHLIGHT GODDAMMIT DO IT NOW!¡± Whoops, guess I was right. Didn¡¯t I say no more daydreaming? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I almost threw the flashlight as my shaky hand quickly ripped it from my pocket and flicked it on. The horrible image that met me was like a punch in the bladder, begging me to piss my pants. I illuminated the surface of about fifteen powdered faces around the escalator clearance. It felt like I had lifted up a body to uncover all the maggots beneath it. Peek-a-boo! Nick (with baggage of Lizzie) was on the escalator, moving upwards extremely slowly. There was a staff member directly behind him on the steps that had turned to me along with every other face. The stairs pulled him away from me just enough for him to slightly lose interest in the light and turn back to Nick. Fuck, guess it¡¯s showtime. ¡°COME ON COME ON! I¡¯M RIGHT HERE, WHY AM I GETTING LEFT OUT OF THE CIRCLEJERK?!¡± Moths to a flame. As the first volley of staff bolted towards me, Kanata strategically ran a slalom in front of their legs, tripping them like dominoes over each other. She began howling and barking louder than I thought was possible. It was probably just attracting more to the area, but she knew as well as I did that it was distracting them from the real situation. Kanata wasn¡¯t alone though. I was the first one to scream, and the one with the beacon in my hand. Two of them ran directly at me. One from the left, one from the right. The pole was barely as long as their arms, and they were much taller than me. I wouldn¡¯t be able to reach their head very easily. I panicked, of course realizing in action that I had not thought about the physical logistics of fighting these things in any serious way. Typical, acting before thinking. I¡¯d let myself off easy there, but if I can¡¯t distract and stall these things long enough for Lizzie to get out, it was all for nothing. Dying instantly is not heroic. Alright, what¡¯s the best way to fight an eldritch IKEA employee? Well, step one, don¡¯t. Step two, do my best to pretend my body isn¡¯t real, and I¡¯m not in it. The only immediate ¡°smart¡± plan was the one that the not-so-shockingly more intelligent animal had come up with. I ran to the right because it was the first directional word that just happened to appear in my stream of consciousness. I barely escaped the reach of the staff member in that direction. I have to think as many seconds ahead as I can. Their arms are long. Have to give a wide berth. I whipped around to see the opposite Staff tripping over the back of his coworker, trampling them both to the ground. I think they¡¯re obnoxiously greedy. So much so that once they see a target to hunt, they disregard each other completely in their pursuit. Fuckin¡¯ wage slaves. A ¡°SIR¡± yelling bastard lunged out of the cover of a post-Indiana-nuked-fridge, the gray of his skin only glowing as he was basically right on top of me. Too bad for him, I was now different from that bar-crawl-like stupor I was in a couple minutes ago. I was now the last bit of wired I could possibly be. I ducked and just barely felt the breeze of its arm rush through my hair. Though I was proud of my quick dodge, I was disheartened by the stumble it sent me into. I barely avoided falling face-first into the floor, somehow managing to stay aloft. No surprise at this point, but something was alarmingly wrong. Every time I made a serious statement of forceful movement, my body was basically screaming for me to stop. It was warning me that something very bad was about to happen. My body had never spoken to me like that before. Never had it made me feel so aware of myself as only the helpless brain I was, floating around in my susceptible mech of flesh and bone. Hard to pretend my body isn¡¯t real when that¡¯s happening. My broken rib was becoming harder and harder to notice in isolation, as its level of attrition was quickly becoming commonplace around every part of my body. I didn¡¯t have much time. I was like a sparkler distracting young children. My fuse was short and only getting shorter. I looked towards the escalator, as my light barely illuminated the image of Nick and Lizzie about halfway up. An anger grew in me, as I had looked just in time to see Nick trip, trying to shakily run up the stairs. Through the glass wall, I saw him drop Lizzie¡¯s body into the serrated steps. Since I was already making myself the center of attention, I felt comfortable voicing my dissatisfaction with that. ¡°ARE YOU FUCKING DISABLED?! GET HER THE FUCK UP GODDAMMIT!¡± We all may very well be disabled, but it just felt good to scream at him. I paid for that wrath just a couple seconds after. I focused my attention back onto my own path, just as Kanata ran in front of me from the left. Shit. I looked in the direction she came, just in time to see the Staff member closest to catching her on top of me. It barreled into me as I spiraled forward. I felt the flashlight fall out of my hand. It spun on the ground, its illumination of the clearing oscillating like a loading animation. I hit the ground hardest on my right shoulder. It was still currently my good arm, but the fall thankfully wasn¡¯t as taxing as the other had been to my left. I still felt the stable grip of the pole in my right fist. I heard and felt the ruckus of staff tripping over each other on the ground. I assumed the linebacker that had trucked me was on the ground the same as I was. The flashlight ended its spin cycle, facing to where Kanata had run as I looked up to see her pivoting back towards me. ¡°RUFF RUFF RUFF!¡± She jumped over my body as I rolled out of the light. Being on the ground was bad. As Kanata tried to distract the mass, I began using the pole to try and escape the quicksand of the floor¡¯s relaxing inertia. Luckily, in my new heroic state, I was still in the grips of a quickly fleeting adrenaline. It wasn¡¯t gone just yet. Albeit more shakily than a rope-bridge with Parkinson¡¯s, and almost entirely relying on my extraneous limb, I reached my feet again. I looked around to Kanata, still barking wildly. I noticed a small twang beginning to develop in her boisterous snaps. I couldn¡¯t imagine her vocal chords reaching a point of exhaustion, but I feared that¡¯s what might happen soon. She was still moving like an unstoppable pinball though. (RA) She¡¯d make starting room-only Verruckt look like child¡¯s play (RA). Perhaps Kanata was so fantastic at herding the things because they didn¡¯t understand the movements of animals like they did humans. Maybe they thought Kanata was a human, and simply couldn¡¯t comprehend how she was moving so goddamn fast down on her hands and knees. I looked back towards the escalator. Nick was back on his feet, having reclaimed Lizzie in his arms. He was about 75% of the way to the top. Seeing them reach the upstairs was fine, but If I wanted to help the entire way, I recognized the fact that I would have to find my way up the escalator. That didn¡¯t seem extremely possible without calling the fucking Ghostbusters. I began running back towards the flashlight on the far side of the clearing. While I ran, I fought to rip my focus off of Kanata¡¯s impressive control of the crowd. How far would she go to help me? Was Kanata really even helping me? Was she my guardian angel, or was she only protecting me in order to expedite the escape of Lizzie? I would certainly feel better about it if Lizzie was the one Kanata was protecting. Even so, I couldn¡¯t shake the thought process crafting itself in my mind. Kanata had saved my life before, but¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª In a cautionary hypothetical, you¡¯re driving on a dangerously winding road. If you¡¯re in a car with multiple human passengers, you being the human driver, and an animal jumps in front of the car, what do you do? Of course, nobody wants to strike an animal with their car. It¡¯s a horrible murderous feeling to hit another living thing with your vehicle, domesticated or not. However, in that situation, what is the morally sound decision? Hit the animal, or swerve off the road and kill three humans? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª As I reached the flashlight and scooped it into my left hand, I forced down the self-hatred bubbling in my stomach. I looked towards the base of the escalator, and memorized its direction and distance. I heard a couple pairs of footsteps behind me, but nothing compared to the giant crowd behind Kanata as she ran towards me. I thought of Lizzie¡¯s face that I had only seen wrinkled in fear and worry for the short time I¡¯d known it. I used the idea of what it might look like to see that face smile. I¡¯m so sorry. As Kanata ran in front of me, surely not expecting any danger from my immediate direction, I planted my foot into her side and turned off the flashlight. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I heard a horrible whimper arise from Kanata. In the sudden darkness, I immediately felt nauseatingly chickenshit. I pivoted and tried my best to quietly roll over to the escalator, hearing the flurry of Staff members tripping over each other behind me. I struggled not to turn back around. My certainty had slipped away from me in the same second I committed the act. Why did I do that why did I do that why did I do that?! Was it even necessary? Hypothetical situation?! That¡¯s not the same! The death of the animal isn¡¯t paramount for the humans¡¯ survival in that stupid textbook scenario, it¡¯s just an unfortunate accident. I did that by choice. If there was any glaring necessity for sacrifice in this situation, it was supposed to be from¡­ From me¡­ but instead I¡­ I wanted to go back and throw myself into the fucking crowd. If Lizzie was awake to see what I just did¡­. ¡°RUFF RUFF!¡± Kanata¡¯s bark was muffled. Under a pile of bodies so thin, there couldn¡¯t have been any less than thirty in order to muffle her. I¡­. I could still save her¡­. If I turned around and screamed, maybe they would be distracted and confused, maybe-¡­¡­¡­ No, no¡­. Lizzie is the priority. I shoved the flashlight back in my pocket, and felt the rubber railing of the escalator run against my left palm. I felt the electric hum in my hand. I had rightfully expected not to feel it in my legs. I began stepping upwards, the wriggling mess spewing a cacophony behind, a horrible hint of whining from its center. I could already feel that sound beginning to haunt me. At least I might not have to live haunted for long. I began stepping up the escalator. I felt so drunk off of pain and self-doubt, that I was now actively fighting off the urge to laugh aloud. The darkness multiplied that intoxication. I assumed the flashlight didn¡¯t matter. If they could truly see in the dark like I was sure that they could, the only person the darkness was handicapping would be me. Despite that, I kept it off. I couldn¡¯t bring myself to possibly look back at what I just did. The darkness protected me from my decision. I reached Nick just as my shoe caught a stair with a scratch. ¡°SIR!¡± I could hear a tripping body ricochet up the stairs. ¡°What the hell was that noise?¡± Nick hissed. I knew he wasn¡¯t referring to the reaper on its way up to us. ¡°Just fucking run,¡± I replied absently. That would be the last time I whispered that night. I almost face-planted into the ground as it leveled out. I braced myself on Nick¡¯s back. We were up. All of us. All of us humans. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I remembered I didn¡¯t have time for remorse as the bulldozer grew closer to our backs. I quickly looked around until my eye caught the familiar beacon in the far distance of night. ¡°That way!¡± I shouted at Nick. Railing wall to stairs to railing wall to railing wall to stairs to railing wall as Nick turned and began running. I tried to start following him, but stopped as I considered something. The thing was close, but we weren¡¯t in its true domain anymore. Up here, we had a chance. I darted backwards in the opposite direction of Nick. I heard his furious footsteps barreling towards the light of Return and Exchange. I had to distract the Staff from hearing that sound. I flicked the flashlight back on and spun around just in time to see the thing practically fly out of the staircase and raze the bookshelf across the aisle. As it scrambled to its feet, I shone the light around me momentarily. The glow met a lighthouse clock in a living room display. 3:19 AM. I ran and grabbed it, then looked back towards the staff member. ¡°HEY!¡± Its head shot around towards me as I raised my arm, and dashed the clock across the ground, shattering it completely in a raucous blast. Thing was fucking ugly anyway. ¡°SIR!¡± ¡°WHAT?! BREAK IT YOU BUY IT?!¡± It bolted towards me as I lunged into the room and vaulted through the empty window opening in the far wall. ¡°I¡¯M SORRY TO TELL YOU, BUT I¡¯VE BEEN UNEMPLOYED FOR QUITE A WHILE NOW, SO I PROBABLY WON¡¯T BE ABLE TO DO THAT!¡± Joking was weird after what I had just done. Weird isn¡¯t a good word, difficult is better. I considered taking up mindless screaming in oppose to going down with a smile. It bolted into the room in front of me. I had happily sighed to see that it didn''t immediately throw its entire body threw the opening after me, but the way it began quickly clawing its way over the gap wasn¡¯t fun to watch either. ¡°Come on, c¡¯mere¡­¡± It sprawled out on the floor in front of me as I fought the urge to kick it in the head. It began to rise as I threw myself around the bend of the bedroom, hopping back into the hall. I had gotten there just in time to see the sprawling mass that had formed in front of me from five more Staff members catapulting themselves up the escalator. ¡°Shi-¡° ¡°-FUCK!¡± I heard a cry out from Nick in the distance unseen. I audibly ticked at the annoyance of him going against my effort of distraction, however unintentional it was. I hoped against hope that it was just from him being startled, and nothing had physically stopped him. I saw the wriggling mass look towards his direction on their jumbled way to their feet. I serpentined around the other side of the escalator walls, smashing the pole against them. I had hoped they were glass, but happily settled for the giant tribal drum effect that the translucent plastic had offered as attention shifted back to me. This weapon was more for auditory combat than physical altercations. I went through one more backroad of bedrooms before shifting back to the trail, a familiar stampede now behind me. ¡°NICK! STOP SCREAMING UNTIL YOU¡¯RE CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE WALL THAT THEY CAN HEAR YOU!¡± It was strange that I was the one giving instructions. I¡¯m not sure how many days Nick had in his diary log, but I¡¯m sure it was more than me. And yet, probably much less long winded... ¡°ALSO, DON¡¯T RESPOND TO WHAT I JUST SAID AT ALL! I¡¯M SURE YOU KNEW THAT BUT¡­. I¡¯M JUST HOPING THAT¡¯S THE REASON YOU DIDN¡¯T!¡± Alright, back to joking. ¡°ALRIGHT KIDS, LET¡¯S GO!¡± I reacquainted myself with the dark forest of furniture. In reality, it was probably just as dark as it had been down there, but with Return and Exchange in the background, it felt so much easier to traverse. I was almost considering turning off the flashlight. I couldn¡¯t believe it didn¡¯t hurt to run. The more I thought about it, I was¡­.. I was feeling a little better. Almost good. I would¡¯ve focused on that obvious warning sign but¡­ I was trying to listen for the sound of Nick¡¯s normal footsteps over the mess behind me when I heard something that somehow scared me more than the caravan at my back. ¡°RUFF RUFF!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I didn¡¯t stop running, but I had the overwhelming desire to. Wha¡­. What the fuck? If this is what being haunted sounds like, I might as well immolate myself right now, because¡­¡­ that was¡­ indistinguishable. It was almost like she was¡­ ¡°RUFF!¡± Kanata began running beside me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª As I shined the glow directly on her, she stopped panting, mouth closed, and stared up at me as we both ran. We held eye contact for an incredibly long time, her pupils glowing from the light. She didn¡¯t snarl, didn¡¯t growl, didn¡¯t bare her teeth. She just stared at me as the universe around us disappeared. In that silence, I could hear the unspoken contingency. If she wanted to, Kanata was very much capable of tripping me, and leaving me ripe for the flailing mass following behind us. I was very much incapable of avoiding it in the state I was in. She didn¡¯t do anything. We just stared at each other for a stretching eternity, until eventually, Kanata resumed panting, and faced forward again like nothing had happened. ¡°RUFF RUFF!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It wasn¡¯t so easy for me to peel my gaze away from her. It instead had to be demanded away by the sound of a dresser being obliterated right in front of me. I turned just barely in time to curve my path around its remains and the influx of two Staff that had concurrently toppled through it. As I directed my beacon back towards the path I was running, I began seeing this happen to my left and right, before a path was opened for a score of employees to begin barreling directly towards me. This must have been the runoff that Nick had attracted with his screaming, the same group which Kanata and I had now won over the attention of. I took a risk and jumped over one of the wriggling messes to the left of me. I deviated from the main trail and wove myself into the random maze of walkways surrounding the displays, before the vigesimal entourage had been able to reach my position. Kanata didn¡¯t follow me, but I assumed she could handle herself just fine. This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report. I kept the flashlight on until I found a reasonable amount of runway to quickly flip it off and get my bearing of necessary direction. I almost fell as I realized Return and Exchange was an unbelievable distance closer than it had been two seconds ago. No, closer than it had been what I thought was two seconds ago. It didn¡¯t hurt to run because I was creeping quite close to living braindead. I was moving because my body had developed a blue-plus-ultra-instinct-autopilot for walking and running these past couple weeks. I was actively drifting in and out of consciousness while my muscles continued on their own. I was sure I had just jumped away from the path two seconds ago, but letting my brain try to process that, it made more sense that I had done it a couple minutes ago. I¡¯m running out of time. I flicked the light back on, now knowing that I was almost completely helpless to judge distance and time, and would definitely collide with something, or someone in the dark. Looking through the display windows was now almost a guarantee that I would see a smoky figure darting parallel to me. They must have been spilling up on my left and right rather than all of them single file behind me. Maybe they were greedy, but that didn¡¯t necessarily mean that everyone one of them would think the exact same way. I flew through the back alleys, constantly expecting to turn a corner and see an elongated hug waiting for me. I needed to get back to the main road, but I was sure that making the attempt to go hard right was a streamlined method to being contested. I knew there were too many rats in this maze for me to make it out without any extra holes. I needed a distraction. Okay, brainstorm. I can throw something. A clock, a book, a stapler, a cup maybe? Something that would shatter would definitely be nice. Something heavy enough to shatter something else in the process would be even better. Cool, so I¡¯m throwing something. Then what do I do? Weather it? Hide? I would definitely have to hide. Let them think they lost track of me somehow, and I¡¯m actually way over there or there or there all of a sudden. Throw them off the trail, wait a little while, then dart out. Is that possible? Would they fall for it? I definitely can¡¯t run immediately after throwing it, I would have to wait for everyone to pass. If I hit one still running towards it on my way out, I¡¯m fucked. The thing is, they¡¯re looking at me right now. I feel like even when I¡¯m not in their immediate visions, they¡¯re still all basically staring me down. Once they want you, they always see you. Meaning, is it even possible to hide? I could throw something, but they would probably grab me out from behind whatever hiding place I chose before it even reached its destination. How do I get them to go for it without having it be so close to me that they choose me over it? How do I¡­. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It was a Hail Mary, and probably would cause way more trouble for me than I was currently processing, but I felt like it was worth it. ¡°Goddammit.¡± I looked towards the displays ahead of me. I saw a bedroom set that opened to the right, the queen bed shooting parallel to the path I was about to enter. If there was any chance, it was about to pass. No time to second guess. Either die, or take the chance to probably die but maybe not idk I wouldn¡¯t hold your breath but you do you youngblood. I liked the second option. I slid the pole up my shirt, felt out a good arc, and tossed the flashlight forward and to the left, still on. I watched it as it rose and stayed in the air for what felt like a year. Enough time for me to do my regular checklist of regretting the last twenty-five decisions I¡¯ve made every time I make a new one. This was the longest it¡¯d ever taken, but eventually, it came down. Its light scintillated jagged shadows through the arena of displays, before my surroundings and I became plunged in an almost perfect darkness. The small in-between came just in time for me to drop to my stomach and practically throw my body underneath the bolted down bed frame, the pole jabbing roughly into my right cheek as I gripped it hard enough to stop the clattering. The crash followed after. It was perfect. Loud, drawn out, and annoyingly incessant. The domino effect made it clear that the flashlight had toppled over some towering display of photos and trinkets. Bang bang bang bang bang. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª A moment lingered where I was still completely ready to be ripped out from under the bed, but I never was. The cyclone stormed through the alleys to pass my position. I could feel their stomping against my cheek to the ground. I felt the rippling shockwaves of them slamming each other against my apartment walls. I looked up. The tiniest little bit of light reaching this far was enough to show me a strange sliver of gray ankles cascading through the hallway adjacent to me. I felt like I was having a stroke watching it. It didn¡¯t feel right, do you know what I mean? Something about that sight made my head do a horrified pirouette, more than my mistake of resting already was. Yeah, I had sadly forgotten about that part. No, this was different. It gave me that tingle you get in the back of your head when your eyes refuse to comprehend what¡¯s in front of you. It¡¯s like your brain is nervous. Not you, it¡¯s not your emotions. It¡¯s like you can feel that the actual object area of your brain in your skull is trembling. Like your brain is terrified of something in front of it. Something it knows it has no palpable ability to understand. Another second that lasted forever kept that tingle going way too long for comfort. It¡¯s ironic, but I felt like such a child hiding under that bed, just so susceptible. But once I turned 65, the barely visible writhing gray sliver dissipated. I listened carefully. They were all there. Perfectly, yet sporadically, huddled around that exact distance at which the flashlight fell. They slapped each other around like electrons as I cowered. I can¡¯t keep doing this. I need to move. Especially if I even dream of catching up with Nick before he reaches the door. What¡¯s some shit Bruce Willis might say right now? I¡¯m not in the bed, I¡¯m the monster hiding under it. So no time for dreaming, only doing. Think Christopher Nolan would buy that line off me? Ugh, yeah, I wouldn¡¯t either. I rolled out from under the bed. I had already made some noise doing that, but the pile up was still creating so much more on its own that mine was practically enveloped. I made my way to my feet as I returned the pole to my hand. I could barely see a little forgiving shrapnel of light, but still hugged the far wall of the bedroom set as I readied myself to round the corner. 3¡­ 2¡­ I felt a blast of wind rush past my face so powerful that it actively ruffled my shirt and hair. It was akin to standing in front of an exposed particle accelerator (because I totally know what that¡¯s like). One of them had blasted right by me at mach-five, distracted by its own kind. No, probably not. Probably only distracted by the objects they were knocking over. Something told me they recognized the sound of their own bodies enough to not waste their time on the hunt for each other. It was so fast that I hadn¡¯t even heard it coming. I was just about to breeze through like it was nothing. Fuck it, don¡¯t look a gift horse in the mouth. I stormed in the direction it came, blindly. I held my numb left hand in front of me, pole clutched to my chest with the right. I couldn¡¯t feel the sensation on my skin, but I felt the impact when my palm hit a wall. I felt around the edge until I found the next alley. Okay, run. Hit a wall. Feel around the edge. Find the alley. Okay, run. I could hear Nick beginning to scream to the wall from somewhere that wasn¡¯t nearly as far away as I thought it¡¯d be. How fast had I been traveling through those woods? I have no idea what my body is doing. I couldn¡¯t even tell how loud I was being in comparison to him, but I still heard them all in the- ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I don¡¯t even know how to describe the sound that one of them just made, and I don¡¯t want to. It¡¯ll make me throw up if I think about it. I thought they only said ¡°SIR¡±. Why the fuck would they make another noise? Why? Jesus Christ why?! What was it, anger? Enraged that they had been outsmarted by the piece of cheese in the maze? Do they have emotions like that? What would give them a reason to make a noise like that? Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my fucking God stop thinking about it stop stop stop. I reached the main hallway as it was still happening. I stumbled my way forward to face back towards Return. I couldn¡¯t see my path, just that I was on it. If there was something on the ground for me to trip on, it was getting the better of me, no doubt about it. A vignette had started crawling into my vision. I was in no way in tune with myself enough to confirm it, but I recognized that I was more floundering than running. I was moving so fast, it was almost ridiculous how rapid the furniture was streaming past me. I could also see the silhouette far in front of me. I guess he heard me, because I saw him turn his head back. ¡°THEY¡¯RE NOT ANSWERING!¡± He screamed. I looked up towards the wall. I didn¡¯t see any figures peering over. ¡°WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SOUND?!¡± He added. ¡­.. is that¡­. rhetorical? Why is he¡­. whatever¡­ ¡°LISTEN, WE¡¯RE TOO CLOSE TO WORRY ABOUT DRAWING THEM, IT¡¯S TOO LATE TO GO QUIET AGAIN! JUST KEEP SCREAMING¡± While Nick screamed another distress call, I heard a sound of emergence to my right as Kanata darted quickly past me like a torpedo. I hastened my sprint whatever last little bit I could, the lactic acid in my muscles boiling to fumes. Surely unrelated to that boost though, the gap between Nick and I suddenly was getting close enough that we didn¡¯t have to scream to each other. Kanata ran next to Nick, barely just in front of me now. ¡°Are you slowing down?¡± I asked. ¡°I need to talk to you.¡± Need to talk? Here? Now?! Is that a fucking joke?! ¡°Nick, what? No, not right now-we don¡¯t have plate-room for talking.¡± He was going to respond with something else, but paused for a second as if he suddenly was considering something. ¡°Where is the flashlight?!¡± ¡°I threw it.¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°I threw the flashlight.¡± He reeled his head around, as his bewildered eye contact basically said that he wanted to try the Kanata maneuver on me. ¡°You through the flashlight? That must be what you said, right?¡± ¡°I threw the flashlight. I wasn¡¯t truncating. I threw it. Out of my hand. So, I guess I was through with the flashlight, yes.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°WHY?!¡± ¡°I needed to. It was part of my plan.¡± ¡°What kind of dumbass plan would support you doing that?!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s important right now. Just focus on running.¡± ¡°No, this¡­¡± Excuse me? ¡°No? What are you talki-¡° ¡°-listen.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I can¡¯t do it,¡± He said. ¡°Yes you can, you¡¯re already doing it. It¡¯s right there, look.¡± ¡°No, I¡­¡­ I¡¯m gonna drop Lizzie.¡± ¡°WHAT?!¡± ¡°I keep feeling the intrusive thought to just toss her away. It keeps sounding more sensible.¡± ¡°WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!-IGNORE IT, DUDE!¡± ¡°I can¡¯t. What if¡­. What if she wakes up?¡± ¡°WHAT IF?! SHE¡¯S GONNA WAKE UP! THEY¡¯LL HELP HER, THEY HAVE TO! IT¡¯S PROBABLY EXHAUSTION OR SOMETHING I DON¡¯T FUCKING KNOW BUT SHE¡¯S GONNA FUCKING WAKE UP!-¡° ¡°-Okay but¡­. when she does, what if she-¡° I looked at her body in his arms. Her head was flopping helplessly as his elbow supported her neck instead of her skull. ¡°-Goda-, GIVE HER TO ME!¡± I don¡¯t know how I ended up being the ¡°reasonable¡± voice of this outing. Being the most reasonable person in a group of random people does not mean that you¡¯re reasonable, but I was getting tired of thinking. ¡°KANATA!¡± I yelled. Kanata slowed back to my side. I tried to ignore the awkward tension I currently had with a dog, and held the pole outwards in her direction. She jumped mid-spring to grab it in her teeth. ¡°Thanks.¡± I moved as close to Nick as I could. It was awkward while running. Could I even hold her? As I began taking her weight from him, I immediately remembered that I most definitely could not. I didn¡¯t fall forward like Nick on the escalator, but Lizzie¡¯s weight was like a fast-acting potion of top heaviness, as my already shattered equilibrium became essentially roadkill. I would¡¯ve fallen in about ten seconds, but it quickly became clear that I would not need to run for that long. ¡°Alright, we have to-¡° I turned to see Nick and Kanata had stopped running. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I cradled Elizabeth¡¯s head like a baby. How had I not noticed? Yeah, time was moving fast, but I was having a fucking conversation with another human being. That should have steadied it. Nick was distracted, but I shouldn¡¯t have had to rely on him to notice. I stopped right in front of the wall that was actually a door. A door which was very much not open. We were out of time. I turned around. ¡°Shit.¡± Kanata hesitated awkwardly, placed the pole on the ground, then sprinted away. She fled into the forest of furniture in a different direction as I watched her disappear in distress. Chasing after her was pointless. Even if it wasn¡¯t, I wouldn¡¯t have been able to catch her. Nick was shaking. ¡°What do we-¡­. W-¡­ why aren¡¯t they opening?¡± He croaked. Why weren¡¯t they opening? What the hell was going on? When I was here, Elijah had cut it close, but they had still opened it for me¡­ Me. Goddammit Goddammit Goddammit. How could I not have thought about that? It¡¯s because of me. I was outlawed, they said just as much. If my face was seen by one of the people who surveyed the gate, there was no way it would be opened. It¡¯s my fault for being here. Nick and Lizzie won¡¯t be let in because¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­..¡­ but did they even see me? Nick was the one who was screaming. Did they even know I was here? Maybe from my screams to Nick, but neither of our screams had been louder than that noise those things had-¡­¡­¡­. You think you have the right to tell me to calm down?! I thought we had a rule of quantity! How many are out there Elijah?! A HUNDRED?! ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I looked past Nick to the far distance of the hallway. Where the light just barely stopped reaching, there was a flood. I looked back to him. ¡°There¡¯s too many. They won¡¯t open for us because it¡¯s not worth it.¡± His face seemed to empty of even a single drop of blood. ¡°They¡­.. just won¡¯t?¡± I didn¡¯t know what to say to him. I don¡¯t think I had ever broken that kind of news to someone before, a totally desolate absence of any form of hope for them. For us. For Elizabeth. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª That can¡¯t happen. Meters was a good measurement for how far away they were, I wouldn¡¯t have time for a very long speech. I looked up towards the wall and screamed. ¡°SHE¡¯S HERE! LIZZIE¡¯S OUT HERE, ALIVE! JUST TAKE HER! JUST THE TINIEST LITTLE SLIT IN THE DOOR TO PUSH HER IN!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°JESUS CHRIST IT¡¯S A CHILD! WHO CARES HOW MANY THERE ARE?! SLEEP IN YOUR BED KNOWING WHAT¡¯S GONNA HAPPEN TO HER!¡° Yards. It felt so stupid. I felt like I was being as useful yelling at a wall as I had been screaming to a non-existent security camera when I had first arrived. Nothing I said meant anything. Not really. If my words were powerless to destroy the horrors behind me, they were just as powerless to reason with the people that had lived under the guise of that horror for years. I remembered Elijah¡¯s words as I had accused him of killing me. Shut up dude, you don¡¯t think I know that? They all know. That¡¯s not the decider. The caliber of how horrible it seems on paper is not what determines whether or not they can sleep at night. When you¡¯ve seen so much that it¡¯s hard to keep track, as long as you¡¯re physically capable, you¡¯ll find a way to sleep. If your body still works, you¡¯ll find a way to move past it. Like an autopilot. Like walking without having to tell your legs to move. ¡°I DON¡¯T WANT-¡­..¡± My voice was too hoarse and dry to scream. Another second that lasted for months. Feet. I don¡¯t want her to die with me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The sensation of a ginormous scraping riveted the bottom half of my body. The first thing I¡¯d felt in my legs in about an hour. Just as I turned around to see the pale palm just inches away from my face, a hand gripped my shoulder and pulled me backwards, their giant body then forcefully plowing into the center of the Staff¡¯s torso. My eyes darted over to Nick, who had his back against the wall as it began to crawl outwards. The two person tag-team threw themselves between him and his closest attacker. As each of them cut off one of its arms, it plowed into the wall floppily. Nick screamed, barely avoiding contact with its body. The girl spun on the ball of her foot and planted her fire-axe swiftly into the back of its head before it slid down to the floor. Nick stumbled onto his hands and knees, crawling behind them. I looked back forward, seeing the giant man gracefully decapitate two of them at once. He looked back at me. ¡°Hand her to Amelia!¡± ¡°Who?!¡± ¡°THE WOMAN INSIDE! GO!¡± He turned back around and almost threw himself towards the crowd that was quickly forming around. There was only more and more flooding out as far back as I could see. I spun around and looked towards the opening of the massive door. I was about to run as Nick barreled past me, almost taking out my legs. He scrambled around the side more like a spider than a human as I heard a woman shriek from behind it. I followed him as I saw a short woman looking around with exasperation all over her face. ¡°Hey!¡± I startled her. She looked towards me, then towards Lizzie in my arms, as her eyes almost comically inflated. ¡°Oh heavens¡­. Elizabeth¡­¡± They began to water as her lips quivered. ¡°Give her here, quickly.¡± I did as much, trying to drop Lizzie in her arms and not on the floor. I inhaled sharply as her weight disappeared from me. She said nothing more to me as she stroked Lizzie¡¯s hair, turned, and ran like hell away from the door. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I stood there, motionless for a moment. It was over. Elizabeth was safe. I did it. My mind instantly began to relax. I couldn¡¯t really believe it. The image of the woman sprinting away with her almost didn¡¯t seem real: The crowd from the alley inside forming and pushing her back like a wave, with all of their tired expressions stammering as they witnessed the body of Elizabeth. I tried to discern their faces, as I began stepping inside. I hadn¡¯t even realized I was doing it until I took the first step. The door was open. I could walk in. I didn¡¯t have to die. I could be okay. As soon as my left foot made the second step, a hand shoved against my collarbone and forced me back outside. I looked up to meet eyes with Sean as I stumbled backwards in slow motion. The look in his eyes was pure venom. I fell backwards onto the ground as he ran past me, yelling towards the other three. ¡°GET BACK IN HERE! THIS ISN¡¯T WORTH IT FOR A FUCKING SECOND! WE¡¯RE JUST GONNA END UP OVERRUN!¡± I began trying to pull myself up, as I saw another two figures coming out of the doorway: Elijah¡¯s ¡°buddy¡±, and Elijah. ¡°WE HAVE TO THIN IT! NO CHANCE WE HOLD THIS OFF AT THE BOTTLENECK!¡± I heard the giant man scream back to Sean. ¡°I DON¡¯T SEE ANY END TO THIS, ROMAN! THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG!¡± The woman of the dynamic duo cried out. Elijah¡¯s buddy ran to the far end, as Elijah ran up to me. We made eye contact, but he said nothing, and darted right past me. I flipped myself over on the ground to get on my hands and knees. With Lizzie safe, my motivation was gone. Moving had so quickly become something indescribably unimaginable. I craned my neck upwards. A morphing blizzard was swarming around the six of them. They weren¡¯t too tame of a storm themselves, but they were almost flooding in the triple-digits. ¡°YOU KNOW WHAT COMES FIRST!¡± The man of the tag team spoke up. ¡°SO IF WE WANT TO SEE TOMORROW MORNING, WE BETTER GO NOW! IT¡¯S ONLY GONNA GET MORE AND MORE UNMANAGEABLE FROM HERE! WHAT ARE WE DOING?!¡± ¡°THE GIRL IS IN, LET¡¯S JUST-¡° Elijah¡¯s girl began to say, but stopped. They continued silently for a moment, as if all of them knew exactly what she had said, despite her never actually saying it. I looked around to each one as they fought a horde of nightmares to distract them from having a conversation that I didn¡¯t really understand like they did. ¡°NO, SHE¡¯S RIGHT, WE HAVE TO PUSH BACK!¡± Elijah eventually said in response to what felt like nothing. Elijah. He didn¡¯t turn around, but I felt like the back of his head was looking towards me. I know that sounds so fucking stupid, but it had felt like he almost said that to me more than the group. ¡°EASIER SAID THAN DONE, HOW DO WE KEEP THEM OFF OF US?!¡± The Iron Giant said (What was his name? Roman? Dumb. Let¡¯s just call him (RA) Guts (RA) for now, Huh? It¡¯d be fun). ¡°I MEAN, IF YOU THINK WE NEED A DISTRACTION, WE¡¯VE GOT SOME PERFECT BAIT RIGHT OVER THERE!¡± Who do you think said that shit? I was going to say something in response to him, but I couldn¡¯t think of anything that was justified to argue. Maybe I was too dazed to be clever, but it felt more like I didn¡¯t deserve to have any kind of ground in an argument. I couldn¡¯t really hold a resentment to any of them right now, even Sean. They had helped me save Elizabeth. No matter what, I was in their debt for that. To the point where I felt¡­.. I should try my best to repay that debt while I still can. That was the last step, right? I made it this far, but I had to finish it out. I had to protect the place that would protect her. I looked to my side. The pole was still on the ground next to me. My body was shutting down. Adrenaline was doing nothing but making me anxious now. It felt as hard to reach my feet with the pole as it had been to scale the shaft down there. Still, I stood. ¡°Okay,¡± I said aloud on my feet. ¡°Tell me the best way to do it.¡± ¡°HUH?! DO WHAT?¡± Guts said. ¡°How to be bait¡­¡± Nobody said anything in response. ¡°I-¡­¡­ I GUESS-¡° Guts started to say. ¡°No,¡± Elijah spoke as I looked towards him. ¡°We need him first.¡± He barely turned his head to speak to me. ¡°You can stand, you can move, you can fight. Fight for as long as you can.¡± I stood helpless for a moment. I had realized when I stood, that I could¡¯ve just turned around and thrown myself into the open door, but I didn¡¯t want to at all. ¡°I don¡¯t know how to kill them!¡± I said. ¡°Well then you probably won¡¯t be fighting for very long. Just do anything you can.¡± A pile was building up around them, as the new ones began climbing up and over their fallen. It was like the beaches of Normandy. Hm, that may be problematic. I looked for a small opening, and jumped over the pile past Elijah, and began smacking the pole loudly against the ground. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It was weird, I didn¡¯t feel like I was sending myself to my death. Maybe I just wasn¡¯t really thinking about it. I think I was too tired for that. Too tired to be scared. I just did what I thought was natural, as if there was no consequences. The only natural thing was to just¡­ ¡°I CAN HELP WHOEVER¡¯S NEXT IN LINE!¡± A volley of five immediately changed course and sprinted towards me. ¡°HEY!¡± Elijah called to me. ¡°YOU¡¯RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO-¡° Just as one was about to reach me, Kanata emerged and dove from the cover of the furniture, just in time to trip the Staff member closest to me. The largest time dilation yet occurred as Kanata and I made eye contact again. The body was falling forward slowly towards my feet as I looked down to its head, the back of which was now facing upwards to me. I remembered feeling one of them fall directly onto me in the warehouse. Their skin was rough, but as I had seen from Abel, just as malleable as a human¡¯s. No, more malleable. Alright, Kanata. I¡¯ll try. Its face planted hard into the ground, and in what felt like the same spaghettified millisecond from which the smack emitted up to my ears, I raised the pole upwards. I grasped its very edge in both hands, and swiftly plunged the opposite edge into the back of the thing¡¯s skull. I quickly realized that there was no possible way there could be a skull in that head, as the pole shot straight through and bashed forcefully against the ground, sending a vitriolic burning sensation through both of my arms. I¡¯m not sure what happened inside of the mass of its head in response to what I had just done, but I can tell you what didn¡¯t happen: It didn¡¯t stand back up. It didn¡¯t move a fucking muscle. There was no muscle. There was no bone. Only gray. I, ¡°killed¡± it? Was it actually dead, or as close to actually dead as one of these things can be? If it wasn¡¯t immediately dragging me down with it, it was close enough. I wasn¡¯t about to check its fucking pulse. ¡°Can you do that again?¡± I asked her, knowing the answer. She did it again. I did it again, slightly softer to not destroy my arms any more. I¡¯m not sure how it happened, but we just kept doing it until the five were dead. More had started popping out around me, attracted by the sound of the pole hitting the floor through the heads of their coworkers. ¡°WAIT, THIS IS PERFECT!¡± I heard Guts scream. I briefly looked over to see that my small hand in compartmentalism had graced the ability for the six to gain each the tiniest amount of ground from their positions. ¡°IF WE KEEP GOING LIKE THIS, WE¡¯LL HAVE A WINDOW!¡± He yelled. ¡°SHOULDN¡¯T WE STOP YELLING?!¡± I, of course, yelled to them. He gave me a quick quizzical look. ¡°IT DOESN¡¯T¡­ WORK LIKE THAT! JUST GO OFF!¡± Go off? I looked at Kanata. ¡°Can we go off?¡± ¡°RUFF!¡± ¡°Fucking cool.¡± Kanata tripped another runner as it stumbled down into my fold, and I swiftly brought the pole through its head. ¡°AND I THINK THAT ONE WAS ONLY ONE WEEK AWAY FROM RETIREMENT!¡± Haha! (Earned) I saw Guts roll his eyes. ¡°ALRIGHT, LET¡¯S MOVE! WE¡¯LL ALL CALL IT WHEN WE HAVE ENOUGH DISTANCE! RIGHT TO LEFT!¡± He commanded. My surroundings became just like the passion of a war zone as I fell into a blur of chaos. Kanata was like an electron as she orbited around me. The Staff began to surface from behind me as much as they did from the main road. Kanata had to start tripping some of them twice because she was tripping them faster than I could kill them, giving them time to scramble upwards. I was doing my best to hopscotch around, hoping the ones below me already had a hole in their head. I literally didn¡¯t have the time to look and backtrack if they didn¡¯t. ¡°I THINK I¡¯M GOOD!¡± I heard Elijah¡¯s buddy yell from the far right. My arms were numb. I could begin to feel the impact of the ground in my shoulders, as I was losing the ability to not smash the pole into the floor. The lingering exhaustion was finally visualized. I could see a ticking sixty second stopwatch in my mind¡¯s eye, as I felt the TV static slowly spreading from one body part to the next. ¡°SAME HERE!¡± I heard the duet¡¯s feminine scream. I heard a startled whimper that shot me in my haunted stomach. I lurched around to Kanata as she met eyes with me. ¡°RUFF RUFF!¡± ¡°What is it?!¡± I said before seeing what it was. I saw that her focus was more on avoiding the arms of the ones on the ground than tripping the ones that were still on their feet. The bodies were beginning to do a lot of the tripping themselves, but that was only making Kanata¡¯s job exponentially harder with the more time that passed. I saw a drop of blood fly from one of her legs as she hopped. Had she¡­ been cut on something? I was trying really hard here, but I was struggling to move at all. The contesting of the floor space around me was the smallerissue when compared to that. ¡°I¡¯M OUT FAR, SHOULD BE GOOD!¡± The male counterpart of the duo yelled. When turning around, I felt a particularly heavy swing in my vision. I was plastered. Hearing that whimper again had done something to me. A line of anger shot through the newest stratum of motor-skill decay. ¡°Kanata! Go!¡± She continued jumping gracefully without looking at her path as she met eyes with me again. ¡°Now! Inside-just go!¡± She growled loudly in response before chewing me out. ¡°RUFF!¡± She pivoted hard to trip one that wasn¡¯t even the closest, as to extend a formal ¡°Hell no¡± to that demand. Don¡¯t you want to leave me? After what I did? You did it, you helped me save Elizabeth. It¡¯s over, why are you still here? ¡°I¡¯M FUCKING GOOD-CAN WE GO?!¡± Sean yelled. I reached my halfway mark to collapse as I stumbled. That was the warning shot to the blackout that I felt creeping further down the edges of my vision. ¡°UHHHHH¡­¡­ FUCK IT, I¡¯M GOOD!¡± Said guts. ¡°ELIJAH?!¡± ¡°NO, NOT YET! I¡¯M GOOD, BUT GIVE IT TEN SECONDS, AND THEN WE GO!¡± ¡°WHY?!-¡° Sean questioned. ¡°-JUST FUCKING HOLD IT, SEAN!¡± Elijah shot back. The fighting continued for the beginning of that ten second timer, as mine had reached the twenty second mark. I was too incredibly distracted to notice that everybody was strangely silent for a while as I continued to struggle without noticing. ¡°Cody!¡± Huh? Did one of them say my name? My head is too cloudy to even- ¡°CODY!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I shot back to see Elijah looking at me. He was crying. Why¡­ I looked quickly towards the entrance to see how far away it had become, before a head fell face first onto my leg and I reeled back. Why are you speaking to me like I¡¯m still here? ¡°I¡­ uh¡­¡­¡­¡­ yeah!¡± I finished off the monster in front of me. ¡°I¡¯m good!¡± I said as Elijah¡¯s timer hit zero. ¡°ALRIGHT! RIGHT TO LEFT! MARGO, NOW!¡± Guts yelled. I saw Elijah¡¯s S.O. dashing backwards from her position, as the second girl shot behind with her other half following. The first girl shot around the corner of the wall as she went immediately to one of the holds on the inside. I think it¡¯s finally over. No more fighting. I can almost let go. But first¡­ I turned around to see Kanata already looking back at me helplessly, as if asking me what to do. I had already told her before when she didn¡¯t want to listen. ¡°Go. Protect her.¡± We both hesitated for the final century long moment of uncertainty as she stared at me sadly. ¡°Please¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Kanata gave. I heard a final small yipping leave her as she barreled past me, brushing the side of my leg in the process. Good dog. Thank you. I paused to watch her jump to safety inside the opening of the gate. ¡°WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!¡± Sean yelled as she clipped in front of him before he followed her inside. I smiled. I really smiled. My pie chart was on its last little sliver. I was just waiting for the stopwatch to sound. The familiar colossus of scraping had begun as the door began to close. I turned away. I couldn¡¯t bare seeing it lock me out as the ending. Not only because of how much of a stab in the chest kind of note it would be to go out on, but because I was scared I would run to it. Flail my body around and beg to be let in with them. As I was absolutely sure I¡¯d be pushed out again, that would be a much more embarrassing note to go out on. I do take comfort in the idea that it didn¡¯t actually matter. Death is death, who cares where or who you are in the moment of it? Personally, I don¡¯t think someone who¡¯s been a courageous warrior all of their life is suddenly not that just because they crumple at the gate of something as humanly unfathomable as death. Not to say I¡¯m calling myself a courageous warrior, but you get it. It¡¯s only an emotional response. It doesn¡¯t make you a coward. In fact, I think it¡¯s a perfect two-way street. As someone who¡¯s been a coward their whole life, I don¡¯t believe I was brave just because I died with a brave face. I just didn¡¯t want to die the same way that I lived. I only planted myself here to feel better about the way I was going out. I had made enough of a mental spectacle about it to reach this point¡­ but I think¡­ I think I really am okay with this. What else can a human do in the claws of death besides be okay with it? It¡¯s whatever helps you sleep at night, right? I think I¡¯m ready to fall asleep. I closed my eyes. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª A hand appeared on the back of my collar. A warm, human hand. I spun my head around to see Elijah balling my shirt in his fist, dragging me forcefully as I struggled to turn my body around and stay standing. ¡°¡®Sleep in your bed knowing what¡¯s gonna happen to her¡¯? That¡¯s a pretty fucked up thing to say, man.¡± We stumbled over bodies haphazardly towards the door as Guts waited at the quickly shortening gap. ¡°What are you-¡° I began to say. ¡°-Just shut up,¡± Elijah said. ¡°Bad idea, Elijah-¡° Guts began to scold. ¡°-Tell me about it, close this damn door!¡± He replied I tried my best to not collapse into Elijah again, but once I planted my first step with my time depleted, I experienced a shattering pain which I have no ability to replicate with words. I suddenly felt like I had never walked a day in my life as I swung downwards towards the floor. ¡°This fucking guy,¡± I heard Guts say as his hand appeared on my arm, and the two forcefully dragged me into the last tiny sliver of the opening. The door had momentarily gripped my ankle in its teeth, like one last little finger tugging at my fast untwining string. I agreed, this was a bad idea. As I saw what looked like trillions of gray faces to my disintegrating mind, my hand lost its grip, and the pole caught the final piece of space in the doorway, just barely clattering inside. The two ripped my body inwards. The scraping stopped, the door-bar slammed, and the muffled riot began. The two let me go as I felt backwards to the floor, staring up at the spinning figure of the black sky. No one had been left outside. No one was screaming in despair. Everyone was safe. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I had a small moment of peace where nothing was following me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª That peace ended with a swelling of my own anger. Ignoring the dilapidated state I was in, being alive at all didn¡¯t feel right after I had expected to be closed thirty seconds ago. I felt like I needed to feel something that hadn¡¯t come. I felt like something had been stolen from me. I felt like I didn¡¯t want to keep experiencing myself. I didn¡¯t want to keep experiencing this place. I didn¡¯t want anything else to happen. Everything kept happening. ¡°WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!¡± Someone screamed. I heard the fight begin as I had thought it was directed towards me. I could barely see the image of Kanata standing over me as it grew. ¡°I SAID WHAT WAS HAPPENING, I MADE MY DECISION CLEAR AS FUCKING DAY!¡± Someone responded. I tried to sit up, but could only prop up on my elbows. I looked around to see that it looked the same in here as it had outside. Everything was a frenzy. I saw the woman holding Elizabeth still being hounded by the ever-growing herd of shrieking people crowding the yard. Some were looking at Elizabeth with expressions that Edvard Munch could have painted, and some were looking at me with guillotines in their eyes. However, most of them were looking at the main distraction that my eyes soon drifted over to. Sean had Elijah pressed up against the wall, elbow to his throat. ¡°THAT DOESN¡¯T MEAN YOUR WORD IS LAW WHENEVER IT¡¯S FUCKING CONVENIENT!¡± Sean screamed in his face. ¡°YOU CAN¡¯T KEEP DECIDING EVERYTHING WE DO WHEN YOU SPONTANEOUSLY WANT TO BECOME A PUSSY!¡± Elijah punched him in the stomach as Sean stumbled backwards. ¡°FUCK YOU!¡± Elijah spat back. ¡°STOP ACTING SO FUCKING CAPABLE! GROW THE HELL UP!¡± Sean looked up and darted at him, slamming Elijah hard against the wall again, and then throwing him to the floor. He climbed on top of him and immediately began punching him. ¡°HEY!¡± Elijah¡¯s buddy yelled as she ran towards them. Guts stepped in front of her and ripped Sean from Elijah. ¡°YOU THINK THIS IDIOT IS GONNA CHANGE ANYTHING?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!¡± Sean screamed at Elijah as Guts lifted him. He threw him away, as the boy of the tag-team ran up and held him down. ¡°Calm down, dude!¡± The boy begged Sean. ¡°CAROLETTE!¡± Sean screamed at the darker girl. ¡°IF YOU WANNA HAVE LUNCH WITH TIM AGAIN TOMORROW, YOU BETTER GET HIM THE FUCK OFF OF ME RIGHT NOW!¡± I was trying to say something, even if only to Kanata, but¡­ something was starting. I rolled over to get on my hands and knees as I felt my stomach turning. There was nothing in it to be making me feel this way, yet I felt like something was begging to shoot up. ¡°STOP IT, SEAN!¡± Guts screamed. ¡°YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON SOMEONE AGAIN AND YOU AND ME ARE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM!¡± ¡°AND THEN WE¡¯LL HAVE A PROBLEM?! WE GOTTA PROBLEM RIGHT NOW BEEFCAKE! YOU HELPED HIM BRING THAT MOTHER FUCKER IN HERE! ARE YOU GONNA STAND BY THAT DECISION?!¡± ¡°LISTEN TO-¡­. I don¡¯t owe you this conversation,¡± Roman faltered, struggling to respond with as much certainty as he wanted to. A knife was working its way up through me. I clutched at my stomach, beginning to wake-up to the new found horror that was building inside of my body. ¡°Don¡¯t talk to him, you little bitch,¡± Elijah said, standing up slowly from the ground. ¡°Talk to me.¡± His face was already beginning to swell. ¡°Tim, if he wants to fucking do something, get off and let him fucking do it,¡± He added. ¡°I¡­ I¡¯m not gonna do that, Elijah,¡± The boy (Tim?) said to him calmly. ¡°Just leave this alone. We did what we wanted to do, we can talk about this later when we¡¯re all more level headed. Anything else that we say tonight is only gonna make things-¡° Fuck this. ¡°-put me back out there¡­¡± I croaked. The six looked towards me. I shouldn¡¯t have spoken up. It wasn¡¯t empty, I meant what I said, but I only said it because I needed to talk. I needed to make noise. Moan, groan, whine, anything. I only made it intelligible to keep from losing myself in the haze of insanity that was clawing around inside of my organs. ¡°Put me back-¡° Elijah spun and walked towards me. He grabbed me by the neck and forced my face up to his. He stared at me angrily for a moment. ¡°What the hell are you-¡° I began to ask. The rage on his face intensified suddenly, as he reeled back and punched the absolute shit out of me. That¡¯s¡­. not what I was expecting him to say. I crumpled down to my stomach, as the floor crushed something up like glass that had been spinning around in there. I rolled onto my side as I looked up at him. ¡°RUFF!¡± Kanata snapped and growled at him. ¡°No, stop¡­. don¡¯t touch him,¡± I pleaded to her as she backed away defensively to my side. Too much was going on. The crowd just kept getting louder and louder, inside and outside. The catastrophe roaming through my innards was screaming and screaming and screaming. Elijah stared at me on the floor, then slowly began walking away. Why did he pull me in? Why am I alive? Why isn¡¯t it over? ¡°Dammit¡­. come back here¡­¡± I growled at him. He ignored me and kept walking towards Sean. ¡°Elijah! Goddammit¡­ why are you-¡° ¡°-SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!¡± He screamed at me. BANG ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Everybody fell silent besides the Staff outside, as a gunshot rang through the air. ¡°GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN WAY!¡± A harshly familiar voice shouted from the crowd. I saw the crowd begin to distort from the inside as the body pushed through. The second it revealed even an inch of itself, I shot my eyes down to the ground. She walked until she was in the middle of the circle of chaos. I didn¡¯t want to look at her. I didn¡¯t want to see that face. Those eyes. She stayed silent for a long time as she paced around with the gun in her hand. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°How, Elijah?¡± She spoke. ¡°How did you manage to create what I¡¯m looking at right now?¡± I was going to look at Elijah, but Kanata¡¯s nose appeared in my face. I met eyes with her to see that she was sidestepping nervously in front of me, ramping up more and more. She was watching my face, getting progressively more anxious with what she saw. ¡°¡­¡­¡­¡­ it sounds like you¡¯re forgetting that we created this,¡± Elijah said to The Girl. ¡°What the hell are you talking about?¡± Sean said. ¡°Did you take something from the vault recently, because you¡¯re acting like a psychopath.¡± I heard a whimper rising in Kanata¡¯s throat. Elijah turned and began walking towards Sean before Guts stepped in front of him. ¡°Stop, dude,¡± He said to Elijah. ¡°Get off of me, Roman,¡± Elijah said calmly. ¡°Not if I think you¡¯re gonna do something crazy. I¡¯ll take care of him, how about you go to-¡° Elijah pushed him away. ¡°-I said get the FUCK OFF OF ME!¡± ¡°ELIJAH!¡± The Girl yelled. ¡°This isn¡¯t convincing me! Now you can either walk away, or help me carry him up to the deck, because I¡¯ll tell you right now, he¡¯s not staying. If his presence is making you act like this, the sooner he¡¯s fucking gone, the better.¡± It didn¡¯t take a genius to know who she was talking about. ¡°Goddammit why aren¡¯t you even trying?!¡± Elijah said. ¡°Can¡¯t you be a little patient?-¡° ¡°-I don¡¯t wanna play a fucking game of chess, Elijah. We don¡¯t need this-¡± ¡°-Need?! Why are you talking like there¡¯s a right answer to everything, we need something. Maybe you think you know what it is, but I¡¯m just trying to have some fucking humanity-¡° ¡°-if you try to guilt trip me one more goddamn time over this-¡° There was a madness swirling around in the air as the two of them yelled back and forth. I had thought I had known the topic of the conversation, but their words were making less and less sense to me. The sound of them became blurry as my disorientation suddenly skyrocketed. I just couldn¡¯t pass out. I was trying so hard to do it, but the thing in my stomach was forcing my brain lucid. I couldn¡¯t hear the two talking anymore, but for some reason, I was sure I had heard someone interject into their conversation. The voice was so distorted and warped. It must have been my crippled perception that was making it that way, but¡­ something was wrong with that voice. It didn¡¯t feel like it was in the same place as me. It didn¡¯t feel like it was in the same- ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Ow. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The pain catapulted through my throat. I became centered to the world again, as I heaved and vomited up a puddle of blood. I could hear the argument stop around me. I coughed violently as the viscous drops spilled from my lips. My throat caught fire as a second column of cinders shot through. The puddle muddied with a darker liquid that overflowed from me. Breathing became a fiery searing in my windpipe as it felt like the entirety of my insides was suddenly made of open wounds. I rolled onto my back with exhaustion. ¡°RUFF RUFF RUFF!¡± Kanata was bounding frantically at my side. Another wave surfaced as my mouth became filled with the same burning ichor. ¡°Shit shit shit,¡± I heard Elijah say as he ran towards me. ¡°He¡¯s gonna fucking choke.¡± I felt his arms around me as he forced me back up to my hands and knees and smacked my back. I coughed harder than I had ever coughed in my life. It was such a deep and painful cough that I was scared I would crack another rib. I created a moaning noise that I wasn¡¯t in control of. I struggled for dragging minutes as everybody just sat and watched me. I heaved emptily again and again, feeling like I still had an ocean of poison thrashing around in my belly. I breathed heavily as the stabbing nausea continued to lacerate. ¡°¡­¡­ that¡¯s¡­¡­ that¡¯s what you saved?¡± Sean spoke up. ¡°That¡¯s what this is all for? Look at him! He¡¯s practically dead already! What good is he doing us?!¡± What good am I¡­. what? ¡°Where¡¯s Sandra?¡± Elijah asked. ¡°Let¡¯s get him to the-¡° ¡°-for what?¡± She said. ¡°We¡¯re not wasting anything on him, Elijah. This is ridiculous.¡± ¡°Would you look at him please?! He¡¯s suffering!¡± I made the mistake. I looked up at her. She wasn¡¯t looking at Elijah. I met eyes with her like a deer in the headlights. I felt the same way looking into her eyes as I had in Abel¡¯s grasp. Breathless. Helpless. She spoke like the razor blades in my stomach. ¡°I would rather throw him off the observation deck right now than spend even a second of our time saving his life.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I was done. I didn¡¯t know why I was a side in this argument, but I didn¡¯t want to be. I wanted her to get her way. I couldn¡¯t handle being here any longer. I would throw myself off if I could manage it. I wanted it to stop. ¡°This¡­¡­ this is a mistake,¡± Elijah mumbled. Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. I tried to speak, but I could only make that same sound I had made before. My voice had died off. ¡°Is there something wrong with your memory?¡± She prodded at him. ¡°Do you think I¡¯m just doing this for my ego? Why are you being so safe after everything that¡¯s happened? If somehow you¡¯ve brought yourself to actually believe that it¡¯s over, I fucking applaud you, but I can¡¯t. Even if I someday can, I won¡¯t-¡° ¡°-aren¡¯t you tired of that? I¡¯m tired of thinking I¡¯m constantly at war every day that I wake up-there¡¯s nothing wrong with my memory I just don¡¯t want to think about it every single fucking second that I¡¯m alive-it¡¯s hard enough as it is-¡° ¡°-Are you telling me something I don¡¯t already know?! Is there anything else here you don¡¯t like?! I don¡¯t have a choice of whether or not I want to think about it every second of every day. I have a goddamn obligation, and I hate to give you the wake up call, but so do you. And that isn¡¯t going to stop because you¡¯re tired, it isn¡¯t going to stop because it¡¯s been such a long time, and it certainly isn¡¯t going to stop because of this sniveling little blonde haired piece of fucking- ¡°-IF YOU EVER LET THAT GODDAMN GUN GO OFF IN HERE AGAIN, LET ALONE AT 3:30 IN THE MORNING¡­¡± Another voice pushed its way through the crowd. ¡°Shit,¡± Guts said. Hearing someone as big as him sound apprehensive didn¡¯t bode well. The crowd dispersed as a familiar face pushed through. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Robert. ¡°And Jesus Christ, how many gathering crowds does it take to screw in a goddamn light bulb? Do any of you know how to react to something quietly? Every single¡­¡­¡± He paused as he took in half of the scene they were reacting to. His face went sour. I¡¯m not sure if it was because of The Girlhaving her gun out, or the ruckus of the monsters at the door, or the dog that was suddenly standing in the courtyard, or Elijah¡¯s swollen face, or all of the blood in front of the two of us, or how much like hell I looked, or the fact that I was here at all, or a culmination of all of those things, but it was all enough that he didn¡¯t even think to look elsewhere¡­ ¡°What in the God forsaken shit-¡° he began. ¡°-Robert,¡± She began. ¡°Why don¡¯t you go back to bed, and I¡¯ll talk to you about this incident in the morning.¡± ¡°Back to bed? You think I¡¯ll just drift back into slumber after hearing the rapture of Hell outside my window? It¡¯s been a while since I¡¯ve heard the bustling-city at night but you really know how to do a good impression. No, I¡¯m wide awake, thank you for that. I¡¯m free to talk right now.¡± She stared at him silently. ¡°¡­¡­ are you?!¡± He demanded after she had gone thirty seconds without breaking. ¡°You don¡¯t seem to have a whole lot to say¡­¡± She didn¡¯t speak. Instead, I saw her gaze drift softly to the frail body. Robert shoved up a confused eyebrow, seeming to back off in confusion, before hesitantly following her line of sight. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I never liked my father, and I believe that goes both ways. I could say that he is a cold, unfeeling and stubborn man, but I don¡¯t think that¡¯s particularly true. I just don¡¯t think that he liked to show emotion around his children. Positive or negative. I only saw him cry one single time in my life. I had always wished to see that kind of reflexive release from him, because I felt like I couldn¡¯t believe that he was half the reason for my being with such a stonewall existence. Someone who helped create life couldn¡¯t be as lifeless as him. I needed that to be validated. I had dreamed of it, fantasized about it for so many years. I saw it for the first time when I was thirteen. It had changed my mind. I remember wishing to not know that he was a real person. I wished I had died before learning that. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Robert¡¯s voice began to make a quivering sound that felt so incredibly uncomfortable to hear. His body shook. It felt like even The Staff began to quiet down as his whimpering filled the entire infinity. Cold, tense, lonely. He moved as if he had boulders shackled to his legs, struggling to inch himself towards the woman holding Elizabeth. She saw his approach, and initially began to back away nervously. ¡°Gg-g¡­¡­ give¡­.¡± He mumbled. She stopped moving, but wore a face of fear. ¡°Robert¡­¡± The Girl began as she walked up to him. ¡°Everything¡¯s okay.¡± She put her hand on his shoulder calmly. He shot his head back around to her with the most horrifically angered expression I have ever seen on another living human¡¯s face, and suddenly backhanded her directly on the cheek. The awful clap of skin put an end to the horrific whimper that had been hanging in the air. Guts tried running up to the two of them, before The Girl put her hand out to stop him. He reluctantly hung back, looking desperate to do or say something. She looked over and shook her head at him, before looking back at Robert. She breathed deep, and calmly took a few steps back, letting Robert see her standing down. ¡°You¡­.. you were wrong¡­..¡± He said coldly. He spun back around and walked up to the woman menacingly. She screeched as he forcefully ripped Lizzie out of her arms and crumpled down to the floor with her. He put his forehead on hers. He sat there motionless for what felt like five minutes as everyone sat there silently. It looked like he was trying to decipher if it was real or not. Once he did, he stood up with Lizzie in his arms and turned back around to The Girl. ¡°YOU WERE FUCKING WRONG!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I know,¡± She responded calmly with a blank face. ¡°And I¡¯m glad I was¡­¡­¡­ I¡¯m sorry, Robert.¡± Robert wanted to scream again, but after a couple seconds, broke down into sopping tears, sinking back down to the ground. He wailed with her body in his arms, ravaged by his recognition of his own emotions. They were back together again. The impossible. I accidentally groaned as another wave threatened itself in my stomach. Robert looked up at me as I went into another violent coughing fit, struggling to not let my trachea rip itself out through my mouth. I slowly met eyes with him as it somewhat passed. ¡°Did¡­¡­ did you do this?¡± He asked me. I was preparing an aggressive answer, as my impression marked that question as the blame for her condition. She was unconscious, thinning, and covered in blood. I didn¡¯t want to argue with him. If attacking this man at his most fragile meant my ticket to peace, I was going to do it as rudely and arrogantly as I could. ¡°Heiiii¡­.ck ck¡± I tried to speak, and quickly remembered that wasn¡¯t possible anymore. My attempt at words almost immediately became a vicious hacking. I was verbally restrained. I couldn¡¯t make a monster of myself like I so flawlessly had my first time here. Though, I think I had done enough back then that my reputation would do most of the work here, right? ¡°Yes¡­¡± Elijah said. I looked to him in angry confusion. What the fuck was he doing? ¡°He brought her back¡­¡­¡­. Cody saved Elizabeth¡­¡± I wanted to punch him. I wanted to throw up blood in his face. I wanted to- ¡°Oh God¡­¡­.. thank you¡­¡± Came Robert¡¯s tripping voice. I looked back to him, as the tears streamed down his face. The same face that had glared at me with such unbridled hatred before. ¡°Thank you so much¡­¡­¡± He put his forehead back to hers and continued to cry. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡­ I don¡¯t know what that ¡°thank you¡± just did to me¡­ it¡¯s something I haven¡¯t really felt before¡­ what is that? Why am I so confused by it? I looked back to Elijah. He was wearing a smile so slaphappy it would scare Pennywise, looking at The Girl. It was¡­ a devious smile. Devious isn¡¯t a good word, malignant is better. I looked over to her as she was walking angrily towards me. The last thing I heard was her thunderous cursing of ¡°God fucking dammit¡±, before the toe of her boot smashed directly into my forehead. After what felt like it had been a century to the skip of a leap-year, I was finally given over to blackness. Beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful blackness. Don¡¯t wake me up again. (Part seven coming soon!) Part Seven 1/2 ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ªPART SEVEN¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯m standing in the hallway staring at the door. I want to piss my pants. I want to find some way to discreetly dispose of myself entirely. I can¡¯t do this. I can¡¯t. I can barely keep my eyes open. I feel like I¡¯m staring at the sun. I just got a text. (You should be in character. If you need a second, take it outside, and then get your shit together. Once you open that door, it stays open, and you¡¯re doing this.) Please cry. Please. Please start crying. Another. (You already said yes, there¡¯s no room left for you to say no.) Alright, I¡¯ll be honest with you, I really do feel so chronologically disoriented from my vacation to The Warehouse. How about we assume I was there for two days, and just double it to account for the pain and misery of four horrific days squished into two. Sound like a plan? Dope. Cody Camargo: Twenty-one days in. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª So, good news/bad news. Bad news: I woke up again. Good news: I don¡¯t really feel like I¡¯m going to vomit up jet fuel. Is that good news, or just news? Most people¡¯s ¡°good news¡± is not usually the absence of a severely obvious negative. Trust me, the fact that I woke up at all is bad news. I think I feel better, marginally. Or at least as good as I can feel after having a lingering concussion, broken rib, falling down a sky-scraping escalator, being almost completely deprived of food and water for ¡°two¡± days, living next to and practically in a septic tank for those same ¡°two¡± days, being asphyxiated, being beaten within an inch of my life AGAIN, being trampled by an overachieving Staff member, whatever the actual-storybook-hell had happened inside of my stomach, and of course, a punch and kick in the face to welcome me back to this wonderful community. Remember when I tried to stop saying the word ¡°infinite¡±? I¡¯m gonna do you a favor, and make it a bottom line that I¡¯m in a pretty consistent physical misery of hellish proportions. That way, I can save you the gratuitous mention of it. Just let it be known that from here on out, until stated otherwise, I would much rather be dead. Besides, I don¡¯t want to complain too much. What would make it a fun visit to R&E if not the pain of everything I experienced before losing consciousness returning all in one instant?! ¡°¡­fffffuck mmmme¡­¡± Preferably senseless. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª My notebook is gone (you know the blatant catch to that, but live in the moment with me). I can¡¯t feel it under my shirt. I also can¡¯t feel the weight of my phone in my pocket. I know I hadn¡¯t dropped it on my way back, but even if I had, I don¡¯t feel like I would care very much. My arms are back in their respective holsters of rope and chair-limb. I might feel more dignified in medieval stocks than repeatedly winding up in this goddamn chair. I didn¡¯t try to lift my head. I didn¡¯t feel any need to see my concrete studio apartment again. The cold steel of the table was giving my head such a romantically gentle hug of relief. Lord knows goddamn well I deserved it. I¡¯m sure that quite soon, whichever one of them that feels the need to berate me will do so. I don¡¯t think I could care less about that if I had literally been lobotomized while I was unconscious. I don¡¯t care about what they want to do with me, or whether or not they want to kill me, or if they want to hurt me if I¡¯m not being cooperative, or about being cooperative for anything other than helping them throw me to my own death. Right now, what I care about is taking a nap, until I hopefully fade back into a coma-like-blackout for the next fifty years or so. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª A hand slammed down on the table like an alarm clock. I sighed deeply and realized that a nap wasn¡¯t possible. They just keep getting friendlier. I raised my head to see that the hyperbolic one with no Y chromosome & the giant samurai were staring at me. (Quick annoying note that I feel I have to address: From where I¡¯m sitting, his name is Roman. I don¡¯t expressly dislike that name, but I was having much more fun catcalling him with random aliases to take my childish anger out on a member of this group. I¡¯m just gonna list all of the names that I would have liked to make fun of him with at some point or another. This is a referential monstrosity, so the whole list will just be bookended as such. (RA)
  1. Buff Kirito (his hair isn¡¯t black)
  2. Conan The Barbarian
  3. ABC Lightning Eating Thunder Crapping XYZ
  4. Samurai Jack
  5. Tank Masaki (I like this one a lot)
  6. Dante
  7. Robert The Bruce Banner (I mean, Christ)
  8. Beowulf
  9. Ike (Fire Emblem, not Turner)
  10. Ganondorf
  11. All-Might
  12. Kratos
  13. Andre The Giant
  14. The Liver King
  15. Roman Reigns (I know I already made a Roman Reigns joke a lot earlier in this journal, but I wasn¡¯t exactly privy to the fact that I would meet a guy named fucking ¡°Roman¡±)
  16. Stringbean (This is an ironic shame to throw away. Maybe I¡¯ll still use it if the time is ever right)
(RA) Cool, that¡¯s out of my system). I¡¯m sure my hair-trigger ears would have heard the extremely loud door opening and closing, so I assumed they had already been standing over me for quite a while. I used this reasoning to agree with myself that they could be patient for a little longer. I¡¯m worth the wait. I slowly put my head back down on the table. ¡°I¡¯m all good for now, guys,¡± I whispered. Thank you for asking, though.¡± ¡°Wake. Up. Now,¡± Her lovely voice stung through my ears. ¡°Suck. My-¡° Before I could finish the sentence, I heard her bolting around the table. Roman ran to catch her by the wrist. ¡°Just a second,¡± He said. I heard her groan in annoyance. I liked it a lot. After the room fell calm, my head was suddenly raised up by the hair. ¡°Ow! Get off of-¡­.¡± I winced. I could technically talk again, but exclaiming in any way was still a big nono. He pulled my torso up and tossed me to the back of the chair. I let my head slump limply down to my chest. He scoffed, as he grabbed it by the cheeks and forced me to come eye to eye with him. ¡°Hey, look at this,¡± He said. In his other hand, he waved a bottle of water in front of me like I was a toddler looking at a stuffed animal. It worked. I probably looked like I was seeing a naked woman for the first time. ¡°Dooo you want it?¡± He taunted. I really didn¡¯t want to give him the satisfaction of gratitude. Let it be clear, I didn¡¯t want to be breathing still, but as long as I was, I would¡¯ve preferred to not be in misery. The sight of that water bottle was almost exciting me to a sexual degree. ¡°I think you need it,¡± He added. What was I going to do, act like I was too tough for terminal dehydration? Well, I tried to anyway. My eyes rolled and drifted away from him down to the table. ¡°How do you have the energy to be so annoying-¡° He said. ¡°-Just shove it down his throat if you think he needs it so bad-why are you giving him the choice-¡° She snarked. ¡°-Can you just let me talk to him?!¡± A little smile creeped onto my face. I looked slowly back at him as I let it bloom into my cheeks. ¡°Water¡¯s boring¡­ I¡¯d rather have you spit in my mouth,¡± I hissed to him seductively. He slammed the water down on the table and let my head drop down roughly. I chuckled rabidly as he paced away from me. ¡°Good talking, genius,¡± She said to him. I lifted my head back up and looked towards her. I stared into her eyes as they fixed on me. They were still horrifying, but I felt incredibly free to let that chill run up my spine. I could enjoy looking at her all I wanted when I didn¡¯t care if she beat me to death or not. It was so much fun. I felt like I had just taken a shot of adrenaline. She was wearing a tight black sweater that I let my eyes drift to the center of. ¡°What the hell are you looking at?!¡± She growled. ¡°I was just waiting for you to offer me your saliva instead,¡± I replied happily. She genuinely reeled back a little, like her anger wasn¡¯t enough to justify even being in my proximity. That was a familiar feeling. Doing it to her felt so¡­ empowering. ¡°I¡¯d let you give it to me anyway you want,¡± I added, letting my tongue peek out of my mouth. Roman didn¡¯t stop her as she stormed up to me and buried her fist into my rib. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I couldn¡¯t even scream, because I was just in such utter physical disbelief of the sensation I just experienced. I froze to the spot with my mouth agape, as a small creaking sound crawled from my throat. ¡°Fucking creep,¡± Roman said. I managed to pry my eyes back up to her face. She still looked angry, but with a more potent disgust sprouting somewhere in the back of her head. She¡¯d expected a timid, repenting dog with its tail between its legs after our last meeting. ¡°I dare you to say some shit like that again,¡± She spat. ¡°You don¡¯t have a sack to hold the balls for it.¡± I assumed that was her attempt to out-sexual-harass me. ¡°Holding on to this bit for dear life-we get it, you¡¯re uncooperative,¡± She continued. ¡°It¡¯s not cute, it¡¯s not impressive. It¡¯s embarrassing. You should be embarrassed.¡° I tried to breathe through the shockwaves billowing around my side. I didn¡¯t enjoy that punch at all, so don¡¯t misconstrue what I¡¯m about to say. Somehow in there, I really began to enjoy myself. Physically tormenting as it was quickly proving to be, being the little shit these two saw me as was unbelievably amusing. Roman walked back up to the table. ¡°Is that enough attention for you to stop being a brat?¡± He asked me. I spoke down to the table rather than to him. ¡°I think I¡¯m almost there¡­.. maybe if she tries hitting a little harder,¡± I said as I looked up to her. ¡°Just because you pick a cheap spot, doesn¡¯t mean you can punch like a bitch.¡± She must have been too beside herself to bother rebuking that, as her hand went right to her waist instead. ¡°This is such a waste of time,¡± she said, as she slipped the beretta out from her belt. I giggled. ¡°Heheh, can I get a good cop around this place or what?¡± She looked to Roman. ¡°You have any objection to speeding this up?¡± She asked. ¡°Um¡­. I think I¡¯ve got one more honest try left in me,¡± He replied. They both looked slowly back to me. ¡°You wanna tell us what happened out there?¡± He asked me. ¡°Since you¡¯re so nice¡­.. I was out on a hunting trip. White-tails are grazing like a convention out there.¡± She walked up to me and put the muzzle to my temple. ¡°How about now?¡± She asked him. ¡°Doesn¡¯t sound like he actually wants a good cop.¡± ¡°No shit,¡± She said, looking back at my temple. ¡°Be honest with me. Is this a joke to you because you¡¯re bored, or are you asking for something?¡± Perfect violet. ¡°Am I not entertaining you?¡± She said, ¡°If you really want this, I promise that I am unbelievably liberated to make a tunnel in your skull.¡± I hoped it wasn¡¯t an empty threat, but I stopped enjoying myself quite quickly. She was really good at making me angry. ¡°Did someone tell you that you¡¯re scary because you can threaten to kill something?¡± ¡°Excuse me?¡± She said, I fully turned to her, pressing my forehead to the barrel myself. ¡°How often do you show that shit off to everyone here? You shouldn¡¯t have it out like it¡¯s nothing. A kid could steal it and shoot someone, or shoot themselves. Do you want a small child bleeding to death because you¡¯re a self-obsessed maniac who wants everybody to think she¡¯s so tough?¡± I saw her other fist curling shakily. ¡°You¡¯re such a fucking pussy,¡± I said. She chuckled a little before quickly stifling it. That was a laugh of delirium. ¡°You should know about a child bleeding out,¡± She said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I felt a bizarre inability to move as a tumorous pit appeared in my stomach. ¡°Wha¡­ what did you just say?¡± I asked. ¡°What is that supposed to mean?¡± ¡°Twelve year-old girl comes back incapacitated in buckets of blood, what do you think I mean-¡° ¡°-it¡¯s¡­. not hers-why would it be hers-what are you saying?-¡° ¡°-just stop, I don¡¯t want you to feel any obligation to tell me anything. If you don¡¯t want the truth to come out of your mouth while you¡¯re still alive, I¡¯m not gonna grill you for it. If playing dumb is really that important to you-¡° ¡°-What truth-you said bleeding out. You said I should know about a child bleeding out-why are you saying that? The blood isn¡¯t hers because she wasn¡¯t bleeding! Why are you lying?!¡± My heart had quickly kicked up the stick-shift. Her eyes widened as her finger reached the realization of that pulse. Her smile returned proudly. ¡°Lying? Is that what you think I¡¯m doing? Is that how your little walnut brain protects itself? What am I lying about? I don¡¯t think I ever made a statement about her current health¡­¡­. is that maybe what you¡¯re talking about?¡° She was bluffing. She couldn¡¯t have been that heartless about it, but even if she was joking¡­ ¡°You¡¯re actually psychotic...¡± ¡°Am I? Am I the one taunting parents with their child¡¯s body on the deathbed? Reunited just so he can lose her a second time? Am I the one doing that?¡± There was a sickening silence. ¡°See, there¡¯s false hope, and then there¡¯s a sick joke,¡± She said. ¡°Can you guess which one ¡®bringing a child twelve hours from death back to their already grieving father¡¯ is?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I slipped so quickly. She leaned closer to me as she spoke with a conniving sarcasm. ¡°What¡¯s the matter, Cody?¡± She said, ¡°Why¡¯d you stop having fun all of a sudden?¡± She tapped the gun on my forehead a couple times before letting it swing down away from me. ¡°What¡¯s going on in there?¡± She taunted. Deathbed¡­ how could that be true? ¡°Just¡­¡­.¡± I whispered. ¡°Huh? Say it again?¡± ¡°¡­.. just¡­ tell me you¡¯re lying¡­ what¡­. what¡¯s happening to her?¡± She laughed in my face. ¡°Happening?! You don¡¯t think it¡¯s already happened?¡± ¡°HEY!¡± Roman yelled as we both looked towards him. His face was still cold, but his stance was so apprehensive that you would think there was a bear in the room with us. ¡°I don¡¯t¡­ like this,¡± He said to her. ¡°This isn¡¯t speeding up anything, what are we doing here?¡± She sighed and backed away from me slightly. ¡°Scared straight program wasn¡¯t working. I wanted to try something more invasive.¡± ¡°You mean psychological?¡± He returned. My head shot back to her, as I refused to let my brain process what it thought had just been implied. I slowly looked back at Roman. His eyes met mine. ¡°Elizabeth¡­ Elizabeth is fine. She¡¯s definitely malnourished, but she¡¯s mostly just shaken up. Sa- our um, nurse says that a day and some change should be enou forsndbn sknmf doehdhf dkebdbj skakbfu pqoe choql xoan ddkn foagdb fkqucb aicbfu gn dbai cowbfg xmeowb aodb fhai cbei bfjf cmdo wjdbf fmfk qomnv bbaifm finno zbaif mov abfi fbaicm omgp pqmfh vria cklw hdk fmmffmm mf fmm fmmm mff fffm mmmmf mfm ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Roman kept talking for quite a long time. I think I remember it sounding like he was trying to reassure me. I had tuned him out within the first ten seconds as his voice became a blur. I should have been a shaking mess, but I was dead-still. Even with all the jumbled calamity taking place in every molecule of my decaying body, every single piece of my make-up unanimously shifted their focus to the tick that has just sprouted in my head. A little flake of my brain twisted in a way that it definitely was not supposed to. I¡¯m not sure exactly where the line in a 21st-century human¡¯s mind is that separates us from Neanderthals, but I felt something cross it. I felt an animalistic rage place its palms on my shoulders and whisper in my ear. It gently turned my chin to look at her. To look at that disgusting pitiful lying manipulative careless cold unfeeling arrogant pompous bloodless little horsefly piece of- ¡°WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!¡± The scream that went through me was a nice halfway to the sensation I had experienced from throwing up blood. That only fueled the ire. ¡°YOU PUT THAT BODY IN MY HEAD THEN LAUGH LIKE IT¡¯S A JOKE-LET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR-¡° ¡°-Hey! Stop it!¡± Roman yelled to me. ¡°ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ON MY LEVEL BECAUSE YOU THINK I¡¯M OFF SOME KIND OF DEEP END?! ARE YOU JUST TESTING HOW FUCKING SPINELESS YOU CAN BE?!¡± The sound of my voice was so unfamiliar to me that it was jump-scaring me every time I let it out. I was making a noise that begged me to stop speaking, let alone wailing. ¡°SOULLESS BITCH-I CAN¡¯T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT! I CAN¡¯T BELIEVE YOU¡¯RE THAT SICK-DO YOU THINK THAT LYING ABOUT A KID¡¯S DEATH IS A NORMAL MANEUVER?! DO YOU THINK THAT¡¯S CLEVER?! DO YOU THINK THAT¡¯S A-¡° My throat made a sound that couldn¡¯t have possibly been human, as I began coughing hysterically. I hacked down into my lap with my eyes watering up. I couldn¡¯t tell if I still had the ability to breathe with the entrance to my throat bubbling up like an allergic reaction. I wanted to keep screaming until I could never speak again. I wanted my last words to be in service of that disgust. She did it. It was unbelievably impressive how easily she had reversed our roles. Congratulations, you killed my sense of humor. I just don¡¯t understand why you had to use that bullshit to do it¡­ I was there for a minute. I had been in a world where I hadn¡¯t done it, where I hadn¡¯t saved her. Everything that had happened meant nothing. All the chaos and anger was just for me to fail¡­ just for Elizabeth to be taken a second time. Even a second of that feeling was just like being down there in The Warehouse again. Nick running away. Elizabeth motionless in my arms. Surrounded by a darkness full of a nightmare more powerful than I could ever imagine being able to fight. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª A hand appeared on my chin as my head was lifted up slowly. I looked up to Roman. ¡°Can you stop screaming? I don¡¯t want to clean up a puddle of black bile again,¡± He said to me. ¡°You didn¡¯t clean it up the first time,¡± She prodded. Roman looked over at her angrily. ¡°I need you to step down a little, or I¡¯m just gonna leave,¡± He said to her. I heard her scoff, but say nothing in response. He turned back to me. ¡°You¡¯re still pissing me the fuck off¡­¡­. but I¡¯m sorry she said that to you,¡± He said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª He picked up the water again. ¡°Can you drink this¡­¡­ please?¡± I stared at him for a couple seconds, and looked over to the water. I looked away, but I slowly opened my mouth. Roman sighed in relief as he opened the water and slowly grabbed my head again. He gently set the nozzle on my bottom lip. Slowly, he tipped the tiniest wave into my mouth. Incredible is a stupid word in comparison to what it was. I won¡¯t even try, it¡¯s impossible. It is impossible to describe what it was like to have water enter my body for the first time in God knows how long. You know how tolerance works for a person that barely ever ingests any kind of influential substance? I coughed just from the water hitting my tongue. He pulled away the bottle so that I couldn¡¯t spill it like a dumbass. He let me fight through the fit for a while. Even the couple of droplets that I retained in my mouth were a cold shower of relief. I looked back up to him desperately, done with playing like I didn¡¯t need the charity. He brought it back to my lip. As the next volley slid past my teeth, I let it roll to the back. I was horrified of trying to swallow. I wanted to just let my mouth absorb the liquid and pray that it decided to travel to the rest of my body. It felt like the struggle of urging your body to swallow a giant pill. I winced as I gulped, finding I was correct to fear that it would feel like razor blades. Goddamn, it was the most delicious bottle of razor blades I had EVER tasted. He slid me a bigger sip as I fought it down. ¡°Can you tell me if you¡¯re gonna choke so it doesn¡¯t end up on me?¡± I swallowed the sip and squinted my eyes at him. ¡°How would I do that with my body tied up?¡± ¡°Just blink or something, asshole.¡± The Girl stayed silent and watched us as we continued. It took us about ten patient minutes until the water bottle was finished. He backed away from me as I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Neither of them poked at me like I was expecting them to right away. I didn¡¯t want to let go of the anger that was still lining my stomach, but I opened my eyes for a different reason as I turned to The Girl. ¡°She¡¯s thirteen.¡± She raised an eyebrow to me. ¡°What?¡± She said, ¡°You called her a twelve year-old¡­¡­ she¡¯s thirteen.¡± The two of them looked at each other as I mumbled wordlessly to myself. My voice was damaged. It was tired now, but even when it was ¡°healed¡±, I could feel that there would be something permanently different. ¡°What do you actually want from me¡­.. why am I even still alive?¡± I asked them. They ignored me, or looked like they did, as they kept staring at each other, silently debating. These people seemed to do that a lot. ¡°Listen,¡± Roman began as he turned back to me. ¡°We just need to know what happened to Elizabeth¡­.. how she¡¯s alive¡­¡­ how you found her¡­..¡± ¡°¡­. that¡¯s it?¡± I questioned. ¡°¡­for now,¡± He said. Anyone up for a drinking game? I¡¯d say you should drink whenever someone here says something unbelievably cryptic, but I think it¡¯s only playable if we do it every time they DON¡¯T. ¡°Does it matter? She¡¯s back, and she¡¯s alive. Isn¡¯t that all you should care about?¡± ¡°If that was all there was to worry about, we would have found her ourselves, moron,¡± The Girl said without looking at me. She was still staring at Roman quite unhappily. I was extending a similar glare towards her. ¡°The way Robert talked to you didn¡¯t make it sound like you tried very hard to ¡®find her¡¯ at all,¡± I snapped at her. She shot a look of daggers over at me before Roman interjected. ¡°Dammit stop, you both are annoying the hell out of me,¡± He said as he leaned on the table. ¡°Just tell us where you found her.¡± I was so tired. Even after Roman had just embarrassingly nursed my throat back to relative health, I still didn¡¯t want to help them. I didn¡¯t know how Lizzie¡¯s whereabouts over the time of her missing was ¡°helping¡± them, but I just wanted to collapse. I knew The Girl had already realized the way out I was hoping for. Unless I was collapsing dead myself, I doubted she would let it happen for me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°She was in a hole.¡± ¡°A hole?¡± He asked. ¡°Yeah, just¡­ a dark hole.¡± ¡°Okay¡­. what¡­. kind of hole?¡± ¡°I just sai-¡­ a dark one-¡° ¡°-no I-ugh¡­ I heard you. I don¡¯t know if you¡¯ve noticed but¡­ there aren''t exactly a lot of holes in the ground around here. How was she¡­ logistically¡­ in a hole?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know¡­ I know she ran away from here but¡­ she just said that she woke up in it. I don¡¯t think she¡¯s remembering right. I think she fell and hurt her head or something-¡° ¡°-I would like it if you would only say things that you know, and not what you think,¡± The Girl interrupted. Jesus actual Christ. ¡°I thought you weren¡¯t supposed to be talking,¡± I spat back at her. ¡°Is that what you heard?¡± She said as she looked to Roman. ¡°Do me a favor, stop talking for a while.¡± He stood silently in obedience. She looked back at me. ¡°What the hell kind of hole are you talking about? Where was it?¡± I twitched angrily. She was just that desperately eager to reassume her control over the room that she needed to talk to him like a dog. I could pretend I was getting bored. Let¡¯s just see what being civil is like. ¡°In whatever the hell that nightmare of a ¡®downstairs¡¯ is.¡± They both gave each other a worried look. I knew that it meant something significant to them. Good for them. ¡°Okay, I¡­ I will be however cooperative you want if you two stop looking at each other like that. It¡¯s so stupid,¡± I said. She rolled her eyes. ¡°Slow down on the attitude,¡± She said. ¡°Was the hole in the floor?¡± ¡°Where the genuine hell else would a goddamn hole be-¡° ¡°-Think before you fucking speak to me!¡± I was thinking about it pretty thoroughly. ¡°It was like the Shawshank Redemption, dude. It was just a weird hole in the ground that looked like somebody dug it with their goddamn teeth or something. I don¡¯t know how specific you need me to be about an absence of space in a solid surface-¡° ¡°-well hang on, so what does that mean? She dug herself a burrow and you just-¡° ¡°-nonono, she didn¡¯t dig it, it was already there. How would she have dug it-¡° ¡°-you didn¡¯t say it was already there-what did you expect me to think?¡± ¡°Already there or not, no one person could have dug a hole that size. It was more like a room than a hole.¡± She put her face in her hand and blew into it. Her bangs hovered gracefully for a moment. ¡°Alright¡­¡± She said before removing her hand. ¡°How big are you talking here?¡± ¡°I¡­ do you want measurements?¡± Roman stayed silent, but closed his eyes in tired aggravation for the both of them. ¡°You know¡­¡± I started before looking around. ¡°Imagine this room was kind of a sphere instead of a square, then¡­. make it the tiniest bit bigger.¡± ¡°Bigger?¡± She said, ¡°Yeah, maybe a third bigger-¡° ¡°-a third of this room is not the tiniest bit-and why-¡­ no, it wasn¡¯t that big,¡± She demanded. ¡°It was. Also deep. The room didn¡¯t start until like fifteen feet down a chute-¡° ¡°-There¡¯s just no w-¡­. No. A person would never have had the time to make something like that down there. Not before getting distracted-¡° ¡°-You¡¯re not even listening to me-there was more than one person, and I¡¯m not saying those people made it I¡¯m just saying she wasn¡¯t alone-¡° ¡°-oh shit, yeah,¡± Roman finally interrupted. ¡°What the hell, I¡­. the other one. The one that was out there with you two that night!¡± Nick. I hadn¡¯t even thought about his current situation. ¡°Who? What ¡®other one¡¯?¡± She asked. ¡°The other one-the¡­.¡± He paused to think. ¡°The guy you were with. He was there when we opened the gate, wasn¡¯t he?¡± They¡¯re asking me? Aren¡¯t they supposed to be The Royal Guard? Yeah, they are. Why are they both acting confused? ¡°No shit he was. He ran inside. I¡¯m surprised he¡¯s not sitting next to me. Did you guys somehow run out of chairs in a fucking IKE-¡° ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°He¡­.. ran inside didn¡¯t he?¡± I said. ¡°I saw him¡­¡­.. where is he?¡± Roman stared at me. ¡°I¡­ I don¡¯t know. If he was anything like you two he surely would¡¯ve come in begging for help but¡­. nobody¡¯s seen any new person-¡° ¡°-that woman!¡± I said a little too loud as I winced. I coughed a little. ¡°Kek¡­. The one you told me to give Lizzie to, she must¡¯ve seen him-he ran right by her. She screamed, I remember.¡± He just slowly shook his head. ¡°I¡¯m not sure if she remembers.¡­. I¡¯ll have to ask her but¡­. we would have talked to him by now.¡± I stared down at the table. I had barely known Nick for long enough to say that I ¡°know¡± Nick, but that didn¡¯t change my concern for him, little shit that he was. I had seen him run inside, I know I did. Didn¡¯t I? I guess I could have imagined it, but what else would he be doing? Waiting outside? Wouldn¡¯t he have just- ¡°He¡¯s not here,¡± The Girl suddenly said confidently. ¡°I would¡¯ve seen him.¡± How long can she go without being an egomaniac? ¡°Also, I¡¯m glad you¡¯ve got at least a little brain up there to know that he wouldn¡¯t have been any different from you,¡± She added. ¡°You shouldn¡¯t even be here right now. He certainly wouldn¡¯t have stayed.¡± ¡°What? Why?¡± I questioned. ¡°Did we just meet? Because I goddamn say so, that¡¯s why. Can we get back on topic?-¡° ¡°-No. Is that your way of saying that you don¡¯t care if he¡¯s dead-¡° ¡°-is that a rhetorical question? Of course I¡¯m saying that. Why would I care-¡° ¡°-Stop,¡± Roman said to no one in particular. She briefly paused as we stared each other down. I wasn¡¯t looking away anymore. ¡°How many people were there?¡± She asked. ¡°Seven. Including Lizzie and Kan-¡° I started before breaking composure. ¡°Where¡¯s the dog?!-¡° Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel. ¡°-okay okay relax please¡­ the dog is fine,¡± Roman said. ¡°Awww, the doggy,¡± She said sarcastically. ¡°Do you wanna break the news to him, Caesar?¡± I started jumping in the restraints before she could even finish her sentence. I wanted to scream again, but I opted to let my anger out on the rest of my aching body. ¡°Dammit dude, calm down-you¡¯re gonna hurt yourself even more!¡± Roman yelled as he ran over and held me down in the chair. ¡°Let her say it. Let her say ¡®it¡¯s not staying¡¯. ¡®He¡¯s not staying¡¯ ¡®they¡¯re not staying¡¯ ¡®you¡¯re not staying¡¯. Fucking idiot-why don¡¯t you write a mural on the outside wall that says ¡®piss off¡¯ to save people the time?¡± She glared at me, but I saw the excitement in her eyes. It was the same excitement I had seen after I had punched her. ¡°You¡¯re such an attention whore-we don¡¯t have dog food. We have enough trouble taking care of humans,¡± She said. ¡°Just feed her anything who cares- ¡°-It¡¯s an animal-we won¡¯t know if it¡¯s sick-we won¡¯t know how to treat it if it is-¡° ¡°-I could, I took care of my dad¡¯s dog with lethargy for two months-¡° ¡°-Oh please don¡¯t add to my already infinite list of reasons to let you stay-¡° ¡°-oh my God-I¡¯m not trying to negotiate for your stupid arts-and-crafts village-I¡¯m telling you that anybody can take care of a dog-¡° ¡°-You¡¯re not a veterinarian because your puppy was drowsy. That¡¯s what domesticated animals do, they sleep-¡° ¡°-So what the hell is the problem with keeping one here-¡° ¡°-Because it¡¯s not domesticated, it¡¯s just a dog! It¡¯s closer to a goddamn wolf-¡° ¡°-Tamaskans don¡¯t have any wolf lineage-how could she be taken into an IKEA if she wasn¡¯t domesticated?-¡° ¡°-It-doesn¡¯t-have-a-fucking-collar-¡° ¡°-That doesn¡¯t prove anything! If the jingle could¡¯ve attracted the Staff, then somebody probably took it off-where is she right now?!¡± ¡°Dream on that I would ever tell you that-¡° ¡°-she¡¯s with Lizzie isn¡¯t she? Did you think about how Lizzie would feel if you threw Kanata out-¡° ¡°-She¡¯s a kid, kids get over it-¡° ¡°-That one won¡¯t-¡° ¡°-Shut up, you know nothing about her-¡° ¡°-And on that note, Kanata is a dog. So what do you think is gonna happen when you throw her out the front door? Because I¡¯d say that she¡¯s probably gonna sit there outside just waiting for it to open again until the day that she dies, which would probably be day one-¡° ¡°-SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME GODDAMIT!¡± I sat silently for a moment as I watched her fire dancing erratically. Roman was silent, separated from the conversation at my side. She twitched slightly, but took a deep breath. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I need you to recognize that you¡¯re not talking to Elijah anymore. I don¡¯t know why he wants to feel so bad for you, but I¡¯m fresh out of the fortitude to keep trying to understand. I cannot and will not exacerbate your effect on this place by being guilt-tripped about the well-being of a dog. I think your image of this ¡®sanctuary¡¯ has been greatly misrepresented, so I¡¯ll just pull you out of The Twilight Zone here. Once someone is on the other side of that wall, they¡¯re not our problem. There is no one person that¡¯s worth two others. There is no life that¡¯s worth even one other. No one is earning the ability to change my mind about that. This isn¡¯t an organization for helping survivors, it¡¯s just a box where survivors are. Not a family, not a team.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Two dots connected in my head. I was right before, Robert was definitely not the reason that Lizzie had such a harsh outlook on this place. ¡°No wonder Elizabeth is so pessimistic. What a callous bitch of a role model.¡± She didn¡¯t take a deep breath. She practically jumped forward to shove the gun into my mouth. I even heard Roman gasp. ¡°I really don¡¯t know who the hell you think you are to talk to me like that,¡± She hissed. ¡°Like you have any idea who I am-like you have any idea what I have to think about every day. You want me to feel like a bitch? You think you¡¯re trailblazing by making me feel like I¡¯m evil? Such a complex and original idea. Get over yourself.¡± I gagged slightly as it brushed the back of my tongue. She leaned closer. ¡°You and that dog are no goddamn different,¡± She continued. ¡°If anything, I¡¯d rather feed the dog. The only thing I¡¯m comfortable feeding you is sitting in your fucking mouth right now-¡° Roman ran from beside me and grabbed her arm, pulling the pistol out of my mouth. ¡°STOP IT!¡± He screamed. ¡°YOU¡¯RE SCARING ME!¡± She calmly looked up at him. ¡°Roman, get off of me,¡± She seethed. ¡°Before I take the safety off.¡± I started laughing. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I wasn¡¯t even delirious, I actually thought it was unbelievably hilarious. I laughed with my ramshackle excuse for a remaining voice. I laughed hard enough to almost piss myself. I laughed hard enough to re-threaten my injuries. I laughed like I was ready to die seconds later. And I was. They both were silent as I cackled. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I calmed down and slowly looked up at her. ¡°She did it you know¡­. the blood. She killed a man.¡± I saw Roman go sheet-white. The Girl stayed still, but I could see her flame being smothered. ¡°She bashed his skull in for minutes. She liked it, I could see it in her. She started doing it for safety and kept doing it for fun. She turned him into a fucking stain on the ground like it was nothing.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You¡¯re lying,¡± She said firmly. I arched my back to stick my stomach out as much as I could. ¡°See this blood? Guess whose blood this is. Guess whose blood is all over her¡­.. she did it right in front of me.¡± She didn¡¯t have anything to say. Big surprise. I did. ¡°¡®No life is worth even one other¡­.. I know¡­ that¡¯s why you¡¯re just the same as me¡­. Just the same as me and the dog¡­ sticking your neck out is dangerous, because nobody is worth it¡­ I believe that¡­¡­ I believe you¡­. but you don¡¯t¡­¡­ you want to¡­ but you don¡¯t¡­¡­¡± For just a second, I saw a different side of that purple. ¡°If you really believed that,¡± I said. ¡°I would have had my brain leaking onto my shoulders five minutes ago.¡± Roman shakily let go of her. ¡°Yes¡­ I¡¯m asking you,¡± I said. ¡°You can still prove me wrong¡­¡­. I want you to.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She slowly inched forward. I heard the click in her hand. I stared deep into her eyes. She brought it up, but wasn¡¯t standing close enough for it to touch me. Wasn¡¯t standing close enough to obstruct our eye contact. She never shook, never had the body language of even a morsel of self-doubt, but I could see it, because I was drowning in it. In her fiery eyes, always drowning. An oily pink fire in the middle of the ocean. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The room shook as the door opened. For a couple moments, only Roman looked towards it, as the two of us stayed locked. I broke contact first as I looked towards the doorway. Elijah was standing in it. ¡°Seems like as good a time as any,¡± He said. She finally looked over to him. ¡°Get out. Now. Don¡¯t even start talking,¡± She commanded. He opened his mouth, but then looked up as if considering what he could¡¯ve properly said in response to that. ¡°Elijah, I¡¯m serious, leave!¡± She said, He looked back down and sighed, as he stepped inside and leaned against the opposite wall, looking at us. I looked over to Roman to see his confusion, just long enough to look back and see Elizabeth standing in the doorway. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I felt the air switch in the room. I don¡¯t know if it was quick enough for Lizzie to not see, but The Girl dashed behind me, hiding the gun behind my back. She pressed it low to my spine as she spoke. ¡°Elijah, what are you doing?¡± The Girl said. ¡°Get her the hell out of here,¡± ¡°¡­.. can I talk?¡± He replied. ¡°I don¡¯t want you to, I want you to take her and leave-what is going on?¡± She said, Elijah¡¯s eyes squinted with confusion as he whispered to himself. ¡°You can¡¯t talk, but ¡®what is going o-¡®¡° He murmured and groaned. He looked down at her. ¡°Do you want to leave?¡± Elijah asked Lizzie. Lizzie looked up at him and shook her head. I couldn¡¯t read her expression. She was wearing different clothes, not covered in blood. Standing. Awake. Alive. Elijah looked back to us. ¡°Elizabeth told Amelia that she wanted to talk to him,¡± He said to The Girl, motioning to me. ¡°Amelia, and I, of course told her that you wouldn¡¯t like that, and Lizzie told me that she is absolutely fine with running away again the second that nobody is looking.¡± He looked up at the ceiling, but spoke to Lizzie. ¡°What was it you said? If you did it once, you can do it again? That sound about right?¡± He said. I heard a small noise deep in The Girl¡¯s throat from behind me. ¡°So, you know¡­ I personally am not trying to poke the bear of how much of a bluff that is,¡± Elijah continued to us. ¡°I regretted this long before stepping into the room, so I know we¡¯ll probably be having WORDS afterwards, but¡­ it felt unsafe to ignore.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°It¡¯s okay, Lizzie,¡± Roman said. I heard The Girl¡¯s neck crane behind me. I couldn¡¯t even imagine the look on her face. Roman shot The Girl an eyebrow, silently laying down suppressive fire to her anger. ¡°I¡¯ll only¡­¡± Lizzie began as all four of us looked back to her. ¡°I¡¯ll only be a minute.¡± She sounded just as diminished as she had in the hole, even without hiding her voice like she had back then. ¡°I remembered that you weren¡¯t supposed to be let in¡­ and that they would probably throw you right back out,¡± She said to me. ¡°I wanted to make sure you were okay before that... I¡¯m surprised you¡¯re even still here.¡± I didn¡¯t know if I was allowed to respond. I didn¡¯t totally care if I was or not, but I would¡¯ve preferred if my brains were not blown out in front of Lizzie. I didn¡¯t really think The Girl would have the balls to do that, but I didn¡¯t want to risk being wrong there. Elijah spoke up for me as he looked to The Girl. ¡°I¡¯m sure your business isn¡¯t finished here, but can he get a verbal recess for a little?¡± Elijah said to her. I wasn¡¯t a fan of his word choice. I could hear her heel tapping behind me. Her knee was brushing my back. Her left hand appeared on my cheek, blocking my ear from Lizzie¡¯s view as she leaned into it. ¡°I want this conversation over in 300 seconds,¡± She whispered. ¡°Starting now¡­ derail it and I¡¯ll show her how ¡®okay¡¯ you¡¯re going to be.¡± Fucking ¡°300 seconds¡±, shut up. I cleared my spike-strip of a throat. ¡°Dude,¡± I began to Lizzie. ¡°I¡¯m surprised I¡¯m still here too. Turns out they can¡¯t get enough of me.¡± Roman ticked. Lizzie let a gentle smile come on. ¡°Yeah,¡± I continued. ¡°I¡¯m just about okay.¡± ¡°You¡­ don¡¯t really sound like it,¡± She said as she tilted her head. ¡°Well, I just got my tonsils removed, so I¡¯m not really supposed to be talking for a while.¡± She switched her smile off. ¡°Can you¡­ not tell jokes right now?¡± She said, I looked to Roman, who was expressing the perfect facial personification of ¡°That¡¯s what I¡¯m saying¡­¡± ¡°Uh, sorry,¡± I said, turning back to her. ¡°I was trying to cut some tension in here before half-time¡­¡± ¡°Dude,¡± She groaned. I listened. ¡°¡­¡­¡­. I¡¯m glad you¡¯re okay too,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m not.¡± Okay, Existential Dread II: This Time It¡¯s- ¡°Yeah¡­. I kinda got that by now.¡± She fidgeted, looking at the ground. She definitely didn¡¯t know I was on a 300 second timer. She could¡¯ve known that I was on a FIVE MINUTE TIMER, but she didn¡¯t. ¡°Elizabeth, I would really like it if you didn¡¯t run away again.¡± She looked back up. ¡°To be honest, I would be pretty pissed to know you did that after my unbelievable effort to undo your previous getaway,¡± I said. ¡°¡­. didn¡¯t I tell you not to call me that?¡± She said, Didn¡¯t you just let Elijah say it? ¡°Lizzie, what¡¯s going on?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Alright come on, come on quicker answering please! ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°It just¡­ doesn¡¯t feel right,¡± She said, ¡°What doesn¡¯t?¡± ¡°¡­ being okay, I guess.¡± I sighed. ¡°Didn¡¯t we talk about this?¡± ¡°Is that supposed to just make me okay with it?¡± No, and I can¡¯t act like it is. ¡°I feel¡­¡± She started. ¡°I feel worse than before. Before, I had thought I was only being dramatic, and just let myself be that way because I felt like it. Now¡­ I agree with myself from before¡­¡­. I don¡¯t feel like I should¡­ I don¡¯t know¡­¡± ¡°Still be alive?¡± Roman and Elijah both looked at me with somewhat angered disbelief. ¡°Not as the same brain I was¡­ no. It feels like I should have¡­ restarted somewhere else or something,¡± She said. Elizabeth had felt It too. That feeling of anticlimax I had felt when being saved¡­ it wasn¡¯t exclusive to my sci-fi search and rescue. I had thought that a self-pitying discomfort was fairly earned when I had felt it, so I was also convinced that it must¡¯ve been a unique emotion. Now though, I imagined Lizzie waking up in disarray days later. Maybe with Robert crying beside her, maybe an annoyingly medium crowd of people around her bed while she stared up at the ceiling. The same way I had stared up at the ¡°sky¡± that night. ¡°That¡¯s a pretty shit feeling, huh?¡± She frowned. ¡°It¡¯s not a feeling¡­ it¡¯s like¡­ a really big want.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a feeling still.¡± ¡°¡­.. how would you know?¡± I felt ready. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You know, Lizzie¡­ I hate to get preachy with you, especially when we¡¯ve already covered this ground and¡­ I really am so incredibly tired of speaking,¡± I began. ¡°I was thinking about what you said down there. About prolonging the inevitable¡­¡­. and I feel like you¡¯re probably okay to say this to¡­¡­ I¡¯ve never really been able to convince myself that life has a meaning. That¡¯s not like a¡­ pessimistic campaign, it¡¯s just my mental example. It doesn¡¯t make me sad or anything because¡­ I just think it makes too much sense to be depressing. If I wanted to say it in a depressing way, I could tell you something like ¡®existence is constantly killing itself¡¯, or, ¡®No one is supposed to be here, nothing is supposed to be here. There¡¯s not even supposed to be a universe here¡¯-etcetera yada. Um¡­ a better way would be¡­ it¡¯s just a weird accident that keeps making smaller weird accidents. Sometimes a weird accident takes a couple days to kill, sometimes it takes like¡­ seventy to a hundred years¡­¡­ I don¡¯t know how well you remember the world before you got trapped in here, but back there, it¡¯s a constant display of life being something¡¯s lingering mistake. Everyone is just alive like it means nothing. Everyday, all the time. People die everyday too, but that doesn¡¯t mean that everyone dies. Until the world ends or something ridiculously cataclysmic like that, everyone will NEVER die. Everyone just keeps living more and more, and there¡¯s more and more ¡®Everyone¡¯ doing it every day. Really¡­ no one ever dies until it happens right next to you. Normal life is always ¡®safe¡¯, even though it keeps eventually killing us¡­.. do I have to keep explaining like an asshole, or do you see where I¡¯m going with this?¡± She stared at me. ¡°Of course I don¡¯t. You talk¡­ really weird. Is that on purpose?¡± Most of the time, I just forget that I¡¯m not talking to myself. ¡°Also, I don¡¯t think that¡¯s the same,¡± She said. ¡°This place is way more dangerous than the real world.¡± ¡°Yeah, duh. And yet you¡¯ve still survived here for longer than the lifespan of most things in the entirety of time and space survive, period.¡± She looked a little angry. ¡°That¡¯s¡­ exaggerating.¡± ¡°Bzzzz, wrong. You know that three days is a comically long life for a mayfly? There¡¯s like one hundred thousand million billion of those things constantly living. You know how much minuscule little tardigrade bacteria is alive in space for such a stupid little time that it might as well have never existed? You know how many humans die before they¡¯re even big enough to be called a fetus?¡± She didn¡¯t answer. ¡°Life is stupid. It¡¯s dumb. It¡¯s such a dumb perfect storm of stupid coincidence, it¡¯s an actual joke that it constantly keeps happening¡­.. it always ends though. You¡¯re going to die, Lizzie, but I shouldn¡¯t have to tell you that you still would have died if you had never ended up here¡­. that doesn¡¯t mean that being alive is arrogant.¡± She rubbed between her eyes. ¡°That doesn¡¯t mean that you¡¯re childish, or obnoxious, or stubborn for not letting an IKEA be the death of you.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°That¡­ doesn¡¯t make me feel any better.¡± 300 seconds had come and passed. ¡°I would be extremely surprised if it did. The thing is, there¡¯s people that care about you here. I get that you understand the concept of death, and¡­ sort of the concept of Hell¡­¡­. But I don¡¯t think you understand the concept of your life meaning something to someone. That¡¯s something that a lot of people in the real world never experience¡­.. you have that here.¡± I felt like I was just talking to hear the sound of my own voice, as I heard an anger building in my tone. I had no idea if I was getting through to her. ¡°¡­¡­ do you¡­ think that that¡¯s sad?¡± She said ¡°What?¡± I said, annoyed. ¡°¡­.. someone having nobody who cares about them. Do you think that¡¯s more sad than life not meaning anything? Why should I have to care about somebody caring about me if nothing means anything?¡± Because nobody loves unless they¡¯re sick¡­ Goddammit, leave. I needed to rationally think about what I was saying to her. ¡°I think it¡¯s a little sad¡­ and I can¡¯t properly tell you how sad it actually is since¡­ it¡¯s just an undeniable fact that I, at some point or another, had people in the world who cared about me. Even with that being true, I still found a way to be so-¡­¡­ yeah, I think it¡¯s definitely sad. You don¡¯t have to care about anything if you don¡¯t want to, but when I say that life has no meaning¡­. I don¡¯t think that means the same thing as ¡®nothing means anything¡¯. I definitely don¡¯t think it means that your feelings are meaningless. Same as all the people around you. So¡­ if you act in a way that¡¯s totally ignorant to how it will emotionally affect them, I don¡¯t think that life having no meaning erases the fact of that being a serious dick move.¡± She was tearing up. It was too late to be scared of hurting her, and she seemed all too eager for something to be the nail in her emotional coffin. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I don¡¯t think you¡¯re a bad person for running away, Lizzie. I¡¯ve spent my whole life doing it¡­. that¡¯s a perspective I can properly speak from¡­.. I think I¡¯m educated on it enough to tell you¡­. it never works. Moving on from something is healthy¡­ running away from something is not. It¡¯s¡­. just important to know the difference.¡± She stared at me silently for almost a whole minute as nobody spoke. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She giggled genuinely, wiping ghost tears from the corners of her eyes. ¡°heheh.. I¡­ don¡¯t get it at all. I have no idea what you even just said¡­.. maybe I haven¡¯t grown up enough to know what it means.¡± I rolled my eyes. ¡°Yeah¡­ I don¡¯t know if you can tell by the situation I¡¯m in but¡­ I really haven¡¯t either.¡± Her smile shrunk, but didn¡¯t exactly leave. ¡°It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t care about anyone¡­¡± ¡°Yeah, I never say you didn¡¯t-¡° ¡°-No, I know, it¡¯s just¡­ care is weird here¡­ a lot of feelings are weird here. Not hard to feel, just weird.¡± Lizzie was likely a lot more intelligent than the person she was currently having a conversation with. ¡°So, I¡¯m¡­ I¡¯m not gonna be always happy just because of something you say,¡± She said. ¡°I¡¯m still really scared of myself doing something¡­.. I just wanted to tell you.¡± I would be borderline concerned if I had made any significant difference there. I just hope she figures it out on her own. ¡°I don¡¯t think anybody expects you to be permanently happy¡­¡­. and¡­. fear is okay¡­ it¡¯s a really useful tool sometimes, ya know?¡± ¡°¡­ no. But if you say so...¡± Well, yeah. I wouldn¡¯t expect the little girl that traversed this hellscape out of spite to understand conventional fear. She looked away from me, and this time, began to turn around. The pressure in the room was a couple footsteps away from breaking. She stopped a moment before taking her first one, and turned back to me. ¡°¡­¡­. I don¡¯t even know what your name is.¡± I felt the gun press further into my back. I didn¡¯t care. ¡°It¡¯s Cody.¡± She nodded silently and turned around, exiting my view out of the doorway. I had no ability to tell if I was proud of that interaction, but I was no longer afraid that ¡°saving¡± Lizzie had been a mistake. Elijah looked at me with a playful smirk as he walked towards the doorway to follow her. ¡°How come you told her your name the first time-¡° ¡°-Elijah-get the fuck out of here,¡± The Girl spat behind me. He retained his smile as he exited the same as Lizzie, closing the door behind him. Immediately after it shut, the gun disappeared from my back. I heard the safety click off, then heard the gun slip back into her belt as she returned to my front. She grabbed my throat in one hand and my hair in the other. I kinda feel like she knew what she was doing there. She fumed in my face until I decided I was feeling comedically revitalized. ¡°What? You thinking about which way you wanna knock me out this time?¡± I teased. ¡°I think an elbow drop would be classy.¡± She studied me for a little while longer before speaking. ¡°That Lizzie? You expect me to believe that that Lizzie turned someone into a stain?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not expecting shit from you¡­¡­ ¡®you don¡¯t have to do anything if you don¡¯t want to¡¯.¡± She balled up her face in disgust. ¡°What? You didn¡¯t like my speech? I thought it was pretty motivational. Maybe she¡¯ll only harshly cripple people from now on.¡± ¡°You just told her that she¡¯s going to die-¡° ¡°-She thought she already did, you imbecile.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She let go of me and walked towards the door. Roman¡¯s eyes widened. ¡°Um, where are you going?¡± He asked sharply. ¡°We¡¯re going to talk to Elijah,¡± She replied to him. ¡°Get out.¡± She opened the door and motioned from him to the open passage. ¡°What?¡± He said. ¡°He¡¯s just done? What happened to-¡± ¡°-you wanna stay and play cards with him or something? He¡¯s not even close to done, but being in this room is a joke. I need a professional setting.¡± Roman took an awkward step and then looked over to me. ¡°I don¡¯t care,¡± I said. ¡°I don¡¯t care I don¡¯t care I don¡¯t care I don¡¯t care. Whatever you¡¯re about to say, I don¡¯t care. Let her keep saying whatever she wants, just leave.¡± The Girl walked back over to me. ¡°You don¡¯t tell him what to do-¡° ¡°-I KNOW!¡± I let myself scream. ¡°YOU FUCKING DO! EVERYBODY KNOWS!¡± She glared at me. Original. ¡°You know how fun you would be to torture?¡± She said, Um, maybe she knew what she was doing there? ¡°That seems like a really lazy threat from you. Are you just leaving to go refill on material?¡± She smiled sarcastically. ¡°Nope, you did it! I¡¯m exhausted,¡± She said. ¡°The next time I see you, I¡¯m sure it will be a much more civil conversation.¡± I squirmed a little as the ¡°I don¡¯t care¡± wolf began fighting with the ¡°what does that mean¡± one. ¡°Can¡¯t wait,¡± I finally said. ¡°Maybe you¡¯ll have your shit together enough to not let a sensitive ass bluff like that slip out of your cunt-mouth again.¡± She instantly punched the astronomical shit out of me as I felt a hollow wrench in my gum. I had laughed for a moment out of shock, but felt my tongue around my mouth. I found a gap where one of my right premolars used to be. I looked left to the ground and saw the bloody chunk of enamel there. As far as my foot was in the grave, I still couldn¡¯t really laugh at that. I looked back up to her to see her rubbing her left fist, slightly wincing. She met eyes with me. ¡°I¡¯ll have someone throw that out later, you can sit with it for a while. Give yourself a monologue about how to speak with some fucking decency.¡± I didn¡¯t feel clever enough to get the last word in as she turned around and began walking away. She turned to Roman on her way out without stopping. ¡°I will lock this door and leave whether you follow me or not,¡± She said. She exited and stood by the door as Roman submitted to being The Golden Boy. He followed her trail silently to the door without giving me a second glance, and exited out of my view. The Girl shot me one last sickening smile and slammed the door to the room. A giant bang followed a second after, and I was met with silence and solitude. My mouth was now bleeding out onto my chin. I turned and stared at my tooth on the floor. It was small, but I couldn¡¯t heal that back to normal. That was a piece of my body on the ground that I could never reattach. It made me¡­ so incredibly sad. I debated letting some anger surge through me, but instead realized I had just been given the gift I was previously wishing for. I sucked up as much blood as I could, swallowing it to help lubricate my swollen throat, and rested my head back down on the table. It had taken a lot of trouble, but I finally had earned my nap. My thoughts of the past ten minutes trailed-off effortlessly to nothing as I drifted underwater. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I heard the door open. I¡¯m not sure how long I had been asleep for, but it was good to me. No pain reduction of course, but my brain swam warm and pruned in a pleasured satisfaction. I didn¡¯t speak or move as the door seemed to softly close. I didn¡¯t even know that was possible. At this point, I was amused by their persistence, but not enough to continue playing the mouse. I wanted to fall back asleep in ignorance. Against my better judgment though, I opened my eyes. The room seemed dark, so it must have been after 9:00 PM. A small orange flicker was dancing around the wall. I heard two gentle clanks as I quickly closed my eyes. Two separate items were set onto the table. After some shuffling and an extended silence, I peeked again. The glow on the wall had adopted the shadow of what I assumed was my head. I stayed silent, waiting to be bathed in some kind of annoyance. Nothing came. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I wanted another forty winks, but I was sort of expecting someone to wake me up, so I had slowly drifted back to anxious lucidity. Also, though I¡¯m sure it would have been so yellow it was orange, I had to piss. I slowly raised my head to see which episode of Seinfeld I was currently sitting in. Elijah and his partner were sitting down against the opposite wall. Even knowing that someone would be in the room, I kind of jumped in my skin seeing the two. They didn¡¯t notice me, as they were both huddled together, with a book that Elijah held in his hands. She held a small pen-flashlight to the pages, curled into his side as they both silently read. It was¡­ you know what it was, I¡¯m not writing the word. On the table, a plate of food had been placed on the left corner, with an aromatherapy candle on the right corner. Lilac, I think. I watched the flame dance gently for a moment. ¡°Is there some symbolism in the etch-a-sketch, or is it her selective autism?¡± Elijah whispered as I looked over. She gently swatted his arm. ¡°Stop, it¡¯s like her coping mechanism for¡­¡± She began before looking over to me and freezing. Elijah followed her fear over to my side of the room. ¡°Holy shit, you look creepy as hell!¡± He said to me, smiling. ¡°How long you been watchin¡¯ us for?¡± I wanted to ask him why he was here at night, but I refused to speak. His partner began to stand as she placed the pen in her pocket. I expected her to go immediately for the door, but instead, she walked up to the plate of food and pushed it closer to me. ¡°Elijah said I can¡¯t give you a fork so¡­¡± The meal consisted of two square waffles, topped with broccoli, mashed potatoes, and¡­ I think they were fish-balls? I noticed that Elijah¡¯s partner was fairly short, maybe 5¡¯2¡± at the tallest. He stood up behind her, closing the book and placing it down. He picked up a water bottle that had been sitting beside him and joined us at the table. He placed it down and put his hand on the girl¡¯s hip. ¡°I¡¯m not gonna intimately quench your thirst like Roman, I heard that was awkward as fuck,¡± He said. ¡°Buuut, I got permission to untie one of your hands again¡­¡­. from myself, so¡­ don¡¯t tell anyone.¡± I stared at the two of them. I wasn¡¯t going to waste my own time with the emotion that I so desperately wanted to feel. I can¡¯t do this. I won¡¯t do this. I pushed the plate out of my way with my forehead, and placed my head face down back on the table. I heard Elijah blow a raspberry as the girl giggled. ¡°Alright, well,¡± Elijah began. ¡°We¡¯re gonna stay if you don¡¯t mind. It¡¯s always kind of warm in here for some reason. It¡¯s like a cozy little reading nook.¡± ¡°That¡¯s because your hot ass breath is always flooding the room,¡± She said to him. I could hear the smile plastered to her voice. What? ¡°Probably but..¡± He began. ¡°I can¡¯t really smell anything after that infec-¡­ sorry, cold you gave me¡­. never going raw on a first date again-¡° ¡°-fuuuucking ew dude,¡± She laughed through saying. I heard them walking back to the wall and crouching down to the floor to adjust themselves. Ever been trying to stay mad at the person, but they start trying to make you laugh? It¡¯s bittersweet, but it just makes you want to be more mad. This was all bitter, no sweet. I had felt the sides of my lips getting tugged on against my will, and almost let myself scream. They¡¯re being funny? Right now?! Yeah! Of course! Because everything is a joke, but only when it¡¯s at my expense. When I want to be funny, everyone is confused about why I can¡¯t take this seriously. Go to Hell. The reasons for me being mad at Elijah seemed to be multiplying like rabbits the more that I thought about it. Wasn¡¯t he supposed to be the one that was my friend? Why did he keep making me so angry? I¡­ guess it was bittersweet. I lifted my head up again to see that they were both just staring at me silently, waiting for me to do what I just did. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m the creepy one¡­¡± I said through the sandpaper. Elijah smiled and hopped up like the clowny bastard I was beginning to suspect he was. He walked around to my back. ¡°Voice like an angel,¡± He said. As I felt his hands on my left wrist, I was sad to observe that the plate seemed to be plastic, not ceramic. A millisecond long fantasy had taken place where my hand came free to immediately smash it and slice his throat with a shard. Instead, my hand came free, and I just let it hang sadly. He reappeared to my left. Restraint consoled me, as I felt that the novelty of spitting in people¡¯s faces had become a bad look on me, even in the socially impudent state I had fallen into here. ¡°I told Margo about your Lizzie speech,¡± He said. ¡°She said she would have been groaning up a storm if she was there with us¡­¡­ Oh! By the way!¡± He ran back over to his partner and threw a pair of jazz-hands down to her on the floor. ¡°This is Margo! I know you guys have met like two and a half times now, but you¡¯ve never hung out.¡± I would have settled for slicing my own throat. I probably wouldn¡¯t have felt a difference. Margo gave me a weak, sympathetic smile, seeming to know that I wasn¡¯t very eager to ¡°hang¡± with either of them. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t have actually groaned,¡± She said. ¡°Probably woulda just gotten second-hand embarrassment and politely excused myself. Public speaking is hard enough without hecklers.¡± I looked between the two of them, horrifically antagonized, then silently took the water bottle from the table. I placed it on my leg and tried to remove the cap with just one hand. It quickly slipped and landed on the floor as I closed my eyes in frustration. I opened them again to already see Elijah standing in front of me with the bottle in his hand, opened. Shitty excuse for an olive branch. I snatched it, looking away from him as soon as I could. I slowly sipped the water bottle as he walked back over to Margo. It went down a lot easier than it had before, but it still felt like the worst case of strep in recorded human history. I finished and set the empty bottle down. Elijah sat down, but the two stayed separated. If it was for my sake, it wasn¡¯t making any difference. Margo and Elijah together in a room was something I could immediately understand to be my present enemy. The last thing I needed from this community was a wholesome dynamic. I¡¯m tired of being attached. I pulled the plate back in front of me. I was so in love with my resistance to opposition, yet turned into a beady-eyed little rodent whenever offered sustenance. ¡°You feel okay?¡± Elijah asked me. I began chewing a waffle. The sudden whimper that involuntarily shivered out from me was probably a sufficient answer for him. ¡°I tried to give you the softest food we have right now¡­¡± Margo said. ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you guys own a Nutribullet or something?¡± ¡°Sure! But, it¡¯s 2 O¡¯clock in the morning,¡± Elijah said. ¡°Excessive noise after dark is collectively agreed to be not cricket.¡± ¡°What the hell?¡± Margo mumbled to herself, giving Elijah a weird side-eye. ¡°What¡¯s it matter?¡± I said. ¡°Thought it was safe here. Because of the walls¡­¡± ¡°It¡¯s for us, not Staff,¡± Margo said. ¡°It¡¯s hard enough for people to sleep without random external noises to keep freaking them the fuck out.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t need to tell him that,¡± Elijah said slyly. ¡°Cody already knows about our ability to sleep at night.¡± Strike one of one. Consider me out of the conversation. ¡°That was a joke by the way, Cody,¡± Elijah said. ¡°Everything you say is. I¡¯m trying to eat.¡± He bypassed that. ¡°Are you trying to ignore me because your throat is made of sawblades, or are you interested in pouting for a little longer?¡± He said. I finished swallowing my first and last fish-ball (what a crime). ¡°I was expecting to see Her again.¡± ¡°Margo?¡± ¡°Who do you think he¡¯s talking about, Elijah?¡± ¡°Ohhhh, Her Her. Right,¡± Elijah said. ¡°Well¡­ you two are gonna have a little break from each other. But you¡¯ll see her overmorrow.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll¡­ what?¡± ¡°You¡¯ll see her ove-¡° ¡°-Can you stop saying words you learned a day ago?¡± Margo snapped at him before looking to me. ¡°You¡¯ll see her the day after tomorrow.¡± ¡°The day¡­ after tomorrow?¡± ¡°Okay,¡± She said to Elijah whilst staring right at me. ¡°Try not to use big words with him-¡° ¡°-no, I just-¡­. shut up,¡± I said. She smiled wide. ¡°Why am I seeing her the day after tomorrow?¡± I asked. ¡°I don¡¯t want to see her at all.¡± White lie. ¡°Why am I staying that long?¡± I said. ¡°Well,¡± Elijah began. ¡°Because we¡¯re hoping you could stay¡­. a lot longer.¡± Is there a gas-leak in this room? ¡°Like this? Why would I ever-¡­ who¡¯s we?¡± Elijah paused for a second, sort of looking in Margo¡¯s direction, but not directly at her. She had closed her eyes, and rested her head against the wall like she had a sudden headache. ¡°The Omen,¡± He said. I heard Margo groaning as she opened her eyes. ¡°The Council,¡± She said to me. ¡°The Council wants you to stay. Please pretend you didn¡¯t hear Elijah speak just now-¡° ¡°Would you stop squandering me-I barely ever get to say it-¡° ¡°-You should never ¡®get¡¯ to say it-it¡¯s the most embarrassing thing I¡¯ve ever heard-¡° ¡°-That can¡¯t be true, you work with Nikko-¡° ¡°-Hello!?¡± I said as they halted and turned. ¡°The Council, is that who voted on me leaving last time?¡± ¡°Yep, that¡¯s the one!¡± Elijah said. ¡°It¡¯s our mockery mechanism of government.¡± ¡°Democracy, obviously,¡± Margo said. ¡°Why would that be obvious?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± She said. ¡°What else do you think it would be? Federalism?¡± ¡°After what I saw last night? Seems like you guys are stuck in a pretty permanent stage of anarchism.¡± ¡°Last night?¡± Elijah said. ¡°That¡¯s cute, try last last night¡± Ugh. Cody Camargo: Twenty-two days in. ¡°You have a fake codename for your homegrown democratic government?¡± I asked him. ¡°Is it a group of people or a fucking mythical oracle?¡± He squirmed a little, embarrassed. ¡°Am I not allowed to have fun? Why is my entertainment being demarcated?¡± ¡°Dude, stop,¡± Margo chimed. ¡°Whatever,¡± I said, going back to picking at my plate. ¡°I¡¯m not staying. I don¡¯t need to wait overmorrow for that.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a¡­ date, not a¡­ unit of measurement,¡± Elijah muttered. I put down my scoop of mashed potatoes on my waffle corner fork. ¡°What would happen to you if you let me leave right now? Public execution?¡± ¡°That wouldn¡¯t be a very left-leaning punishment,¡± Margo said. ¡°Yeah? So what does happen then? A stern talking to from the result of a much too serious bring your daughter to work day at the police headquarters? ¡°He¡¯s pretty good,¡± Margo whispered to Elijah, smiling. He ignored her. ¡°Cody, you¡¯re not leaving. We have to put you through due process. This isn¡¯t like the last time, I promise.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, my body is telling me that it¡¯s pretty similar so far. You wanna tell me how this is different?¡± ¡°Because this time, it¡¯s your choice.¡± ¡°Sounds like a total lie, but I¡¯ll play along. I choose to leave. Now. Right now please. Not over-tomorrow, now.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not how it works. You have to come before The Council.¡± ¡°Gross,¡± Margo interjected before Elijah shot her an irritated glance. She made an ¡°oh shit¡± face, and quickly turned away, exiting the discussion. ¡°We need you to advocate for why it¡¯s rational to make you a cog in this society,¡± Elijah said, looking back to me. ¡°Sure, sure. Wanna hear my rehearsal speech? ¡®It¡¯s not! Bye! I¡¯ll start pissing my pants if you don¡¯t escort me off the premises¡¯.¡± He stonewalled. ¡°Do you choose to be a coward because you¡¯re too illiterate to properly express your feelings?¡± He said coldly. I truly hadn¡¯t been angry this entire time. I was annoyed for sure, but I felt like anger was becoming so stale of an emotion that it was hard to come by naturally. That is to say, that even after that statement, I still wasn¡¯t entirely irate. I was more blown away by the sudden audacity that had seemed to come out of nowhere. ¡°Is this the real you? Is the nice, funny guy-thing an act for the sake of your own boredom?¡± ¡°Why are you trying to sabotage yourself? We¡¯re offering you a chance to stay-¡° ¡°-You¡¯re offering yourselves an opportunity to laugh at me begging.¡± ¡°No, Cody. That¡¯s not what this is. We want you here, but we need you to want it too-¡° ¡°-¡®want you here¡¯-you have got a FUNNY way of showing it-¡° ¡°-that isn¡¯t us. Everything you¡¯ve seen isn¡¯t us, and this is just as much an apology as it is an opportunity for you to know what we are-¡° ¡°-I don¡¯t want an apology-¡° ¡°-WELL THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT-¡° ¡°-I WANTED YOU TO FUCKING LEAVE ME OUTSIDE!¡± Elijah went silent. A look of dread had worked its way onto Margo¡¯s face as she looked back and forth between us. I took a deep breath. I wasn¡¯t about to keep screaming. It wasn¡¯t about the pain anymore, I didn¡¯t want to let him be the reason for my emotions. ¡°I tried to convince myself that this is possible. I only had doubts because of how terrifying the idea of giving up was. I didn¡¯t have a very long period of normalcy after I had first started trying to feel better, so maybe I just didn¡¯t get the chance to try hard enough, but it really didn¡¯t take much to knock some sense into me. This is a lost cause, and I don¡¯t feel like running for my life on a treadmill.¡± He stared at me blankly. ¡°I¡¯m done, Elijah. I don¡¯t want this.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah stood up, with Margo quickly following. I think she had been preparing to hold him back. ¡°I¡¯ll um¡­¡± He began calmly. ¡°I¡¯ll let you sleep on it.¡± She noticeably distressed, taking the cue to open the door beside them. She walked to the doorway with the book, as he walked behind me. He re-tied my limb, and took the plate, bottle and candle from the table. He stared down at me. ¡°I¡¯m never bored,¡± He said. ¡°Just to let you know.¡± Pompous fucker. He turned and walked over, joining Margo at the door as she took the plate from him. He had just exited when my body cried out to me. ¡°Wait!¡± I called. They both stopped and leaned their heads back in towards me. It felt so pathetic to say this after that argument. ¡°I¡­ have to pee.¡± Margo cringed. ¡°Oh, right. Um¡­.¡± Elijah started. He looked down at the empty bottle in his hand. ¡°Okay. I¡¯ll see you later,¡± Margo said to him as she swiftly exited. He looked back to me. ¡°You wouldn¡¯t happen to remember where I put the cap for this, would you?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Sometime during my sleep, I just barely felt my head being lifted, and released onto a pillow between me and the table. ¡°Asshole,¡± Elijah¡¯s voice whispered. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª (Second half in next submission) Part Seven 2/2 (This is the SECOND-HALF of PART SEVEN. First half is the previous submission and should be read first) Cody Camargo: Twenty-three days in. I woke up softly to nothing. No door slamming closed or ripping open, no screaming dictator, no stomping footsteps from the floor above, just natural emergence. The pillow felt as if it had fused with the side of my head. The rest was sore, but not screaming. Even my rib seemed to be sleeping like a baby. It would wake up crying eventually, but in my groggy state, it was calm. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I slowly woke myself up out of drowsiness as I began to cough. I suddenly became scared that I was suffocating, and had tried forcing in a sharp breath that stung my throat. The sting reverberated into my lungs as I went into a hacking fit. Every impact was giving my rib the Heimlich maneuver. I sat up, trying desperately to extinguish the fire that had started in my trachea. It persisted until my saliva was hot around my tongue. I blinked my eyes rapidly to clear the water, as I saw specks of blood on the light blue pillowcase. I let my head fall back forward, feeling the circles of moisture on my cheek. I sat breathing deep, head re-glued to the pillow, scared that I would lose my ability to draw breath at any moment. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The door opened. ¡°You still asleep?¡± I heard him say playfully. I shot up to look at Elijah. ¡°Doyouavewater?¡± I said so fast that my words slurred into one. ¡°Jesus, yeah I¡­ I have some,¡± He said, holding a bottle of water up in his hand. ¡°Let me just untie-¡° ¡°-Jusgetafuckoverereangivitome.¡± He was about to retort, but looked down at the pillow, seeing the stains on the case. He sighed and hurried over, unbinding my left hand and placing the bottle in it. My hand shot quickly towards my head before he grabbed my wrist and fought my still moving arm to open the bottle in my palm. The second the cap separated, I practically drenched my chin to throw the nozzle in my mouth. White knuckles bared, I probably wasted 25% of the water as it spilled down my neck and onto my shirt. I finished and gasped, now finding it even harder to inhale somehow. ¡°You have more?¡± I demanded more than asked. ¡°Not¡­ with me right now-¡° ¡°-THEN CAN YOU GET SOME?! WHY AM I ONLY GETTING LIKE TEN MOUTHFULS OF WATER EVERY TWELVE HOU-KEKKEK¡° I went into another self induced fit as Elijah ran out of the room. I hacked into my lap, whining between coughs in a pathetic desperation. ¡°E-Li-Jah..¡± I called through coughing. ¡°E-LI-JAAAAHHH-¡° ¡°-I¡¯m here, I¡¯m here,¡± He said, dashing back into the cell. He threw the pillow onto the floor with his wrist, placing two bottles down. He opened each quickly, as I went for the first before he could even get a hold on the second. I heard him panting as I swallowed repeatedly. ¡°Go slow,¡± I heard him say. I didn¡¯t listen, and continued chugging. ¡°Hey!¡± He yelled. A ball of water was caught between the rock and hard place of another harsh rasp, and I spit a ridiculous wave of water onto my lap. ¡°GOD DAMMIT CALM DOWN!¡± He ran around the table and took the water from my hand. ¡°YOU¡¯RE WASTING IT!¡± I was in too much pain to pay attention to the vitriol in his voice, the same as I had only heard that night with him and Sean arguing. I was now choking on my own lungs, as well as the burning water flooding down the wrong pipe. I coughed and coughed as he remained silent in front of me. Hacking and hacking and hacking and hacking until the cough was so dry that it felt like I was having the moisture halved in my body with every repeated blast. I went on like a gashed record. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I calmed down and looked up what had to be six minutes later, only to see that Elijah was not even in the room with me anymore. The door was hanging wide open with my limb still unbound. I looked down to my other limbs. I reached down to my left leg, secured at the ankle, and began to try working my fingers into the writhing of the ropes. I realized how dry my burning, cracking skin was. Ignorantly wrapped around the shattered body of insides that was so greatly demanding more of my attention, I hadn¡¯t noticed the sensation of its prickly thirst. Only now could I feel the itchy necrosis on the top of my hand. I felt like I had become instantaneously cognizant of a horrible allergic reaction that was spreading over both of my arms. The recognition of this began incinerating my right wrist, still swaddled in abrasive ropes. Was it an allergic reaction? Is that what this haunting in my lungs was? No, I wasn¡¯t even allergic to anything, and that cough was not the same. I was so overwhelmed. I could barely force a passion into the muscle of my fingers. Liberating myself was far too lofty an ambition for my current state. I held the rope in my fingers, hopelessly begging for it to magically fall untied from me. ¡°You¡¯re not doing what I think you are..¡± I looked up to see Elijah standing in the doorway again. ¡°Are you?¡± I felt a sudden shame. I knew that I had begun painting myself as a radically nonconformist prisoner this time around, but if I had been able to untie myself, that would have shattered every ounce of understanding that Elijah and I had ever created. Even after convincing myself that I didn¡¯t care about that, I still sank so vile as he stared at me. ¡°Alright,¡± A female voice said before I could manage to speak. She appeared in the doorway behind Elijah, as he stepped aside without breaking eye contact from me. I wanted to maintain it, but looked over to the woman as she hurried over. It was an Indian woman, only a half a foot or so shorter than Elijah, with long, braided, brown hair down to her waist. ¡°This is Sandra,¡± He said blankly. She put down an open pill bottle, opening the second water. ¡°I need you to take these,¡± She said. She dipped the pill bottle into her hand, and dropped two capsules into her palm. ¡°Give me your hand.¡± ¡°What¡­ what are those?¡± I mumbled. She reached across the table and grabbed my arm, shoving the pills into my palm. ¡°Take. Them.¡± I stared at her for a moment. She had a stethoscope around her neck, but it looked like it was made of plastic tubing, and the bell was far too small. (She was dressed normally besides from that, don¡¯t imagine her wearing a lab coat) I popped one pill into my mouth and set the other down, grabbing for the water before she caught my wrist. ¡°Both!¡± She said, ¡°Wait, I¡­ I¡¯m bad at swallowing pills, I need to do it one by one¡­¡± She took her hand back, placing her arms sternly at her side. I took the bottle and began to swig. The pill was just big enough for me to fail my first attempt at swallowing, going for more water. I wasn¡¯t even sure the opening to my throat was big enough for it at the moment. I finally got it down, feeling a fair amount of pressure with her standing there. I popped the second, and was able to get it down a little easier. I then SLOWLY finished the entirety of the second water bottle. I placed it down, looking up to see the woman gone, and Elijah closer to the table. ¡°How do you guys keep disappe-Woah!¡° I felt the back of my shirt lift, as a cold hand was placed around my spine. ¡°What the hell?!¡± I exclaimed. I felt a circle of rubber the size of a bottle-cap being placed under my shoulder blade. ¡°Breathe as slowly and deeply as you can for me,¡± Sandra said behind me. ¡°Even if you think it will make you cough, go as far as possible.¡± I looked to Elijah. ¡°I¡¯m not gonna have to take my pants off, right?¡± ¡°Shut up and do it,¡± He said, unamused. See what I¡¯m saying? I began inhaling slowly for as long as I could, to realize that it was not very long at all. ¡°You do know how this works, right?¡± She said sarcastically. ¡°You breathe out after.¡± I exhaled too quickly, as I huffed in response to that statement. I breathed in and out slowly about seven times before she stepped away and put my shirt back down. ¡°How much thought do I have to put into this?¡± The woman said to Elijah. ¡°Um,¡± He began. ¡°Probably not the best idea to ask you-know-who that question, but I would prefer as much as you can¡­ appreciate as much as you can.¡± ¡°Is he going to be eating soon?¡± ¡°Uhhhh¡­ I-¡° ¡°-If I¡¯m giving you all my thought, the answer should be ¡®yes¡¯.¡± He looked down at me awkwardly. Why the hell was he struggling to answer? ¡°Yyyyes, he¡¯ll eat now.¡± ¡°Good,¡± She said, moving around the table and taking the pill bottle. ¡°Again at about 8:00 PM.¡± She handed Elijah the bottle, taking the cap from her pocket and securing it closed in his hand. She briskly skirted past him and out the door l while he squinted at the label. ¡°You hungry?¡± He asked, with no enthusiasm in his voice. ¡°¡­yeah.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I had a salmon wrap with corn for what I think was lunch. Elijah didn¡¯t read. He hung in the doorway with the door ajar until I was finished. He turned to see the plate as close to empty as it was going to get. Along with my health and stamina bar, I now had a throat-pain meter to manage. Swallowing was my legendary enemy. ¡°You¡¯re not gonna eat that?¡± He said, walking over to me. ¡°I¡¯m good, can I pee though?¡± He grabbed the unfinished bite off the plate and ate it as he shot me an eyebrow. ¡°You getting a little comfortable lately?¡± He garbled through chewing with his mouth open. Wholeheartedly a serious question, or teasing me? I¡¯d say it¡¯s up to ANYONE¡¯S GUESS! ¡°Are you mad at me or something?¡± I said impatiently. He swallowed. ¡°Would it matter to you?¡± Oh. My. Fucking. God. ¡°Can I piss in a dresser-drawer please?¡± He rolled his eyes and turned around walking towards the door. He stopped. ¡°Oh crap, I forgot to tie your arm up¡­¡± I glared at the back of his head. ¡°Eh,¡± He said. ¡°Should be fine.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I zipped up my pants. ¡°I¡¯m not mad,¡± Elijah said. ¡°Are you gonna say the word ¡®disappointed¡¯ in the next thirty seconds?¡± ¡°I was just in a bad mood about something else. I¡¯m even surprised that it¡¯s only the first time you¡¯ve tried to do it.¡± I walked back to the chair and eased myself down slowly. I went for the ropes on the floor to begin re-tying my legs. ¡°Stop,¡± Elijah said. He put the crossbow on his back, and walked over to me without any one of my limbs tied down. He kneeled to the ground, beginning to tie my right leg. The back of his head was lying directly in front of me. He knew that. ¡°What the hell are you doing?¡± I asked him. ¡°I trust you.¡± I stared at him as he went around the long way of the table, instead of just side-stepping around the back of me. ¡°Am I supposed to believe that?¡± ¡°Who actually cares, Cody? I believe it, is that enough for you?¡± He started on my left leg. ¡°How exactly did I earn your trust so suddenly?¡± He sighed, standing up. ¡°The distribution of my trust is up to me. You can kinda influence it I guess but¡­ it¡¯s mine to give. I didn¡¯t say it was free.¡± We stared at each other as my hands didn¡¯t move from my lap. ¡°Can you please put your hands behind your back?¡± He said tiredly. ¡°You ever thought that maybe I don¡¯t trust you?¡± His face got angry. ¡°You know what? Go ahead! Break out! I¡¯m not gonna stop you.¡± He walked over to the drawer, leaving both of my hands free. ¡°You would never do it anyway,¡± He said. ¡°Ha! Who told you that little fairytale?¡± He daintily picked up the container of my yellow (orange) waste. ¡°The same guy that told me his life was a ¡®lost cause¡¯. I didn¡¯t think you were trying anymore. You looked like a guilty puppy when I walked in on you.¡± ¡°Okay, I¡¯m glad you verbalized that you don¡¯t get it so that I can explain it to you. I¡¯m not sorry that I did that, I¡¯m sorry that I got caught.¡± He walked to the door without looking at me. ¡°Thanks, I get it now. Lucky for you, it will be a lot easier to not get caught when you have two hands.¡± Lose lose. ¡°You don¡¯t even know me you idiot. What if the blood on Lizzie was because of me?! What if I threatened her to lie about what happened?! What if I was waiting to be annexed so I could disembowel your children in their fucking sleep?!¡± Elijah was allergic to entertaining my overkill. ¡°I don¡¯t have children.¡± ¡°SOMEONE DOES! AND I COULD¡¯VE DONE IT TO ANYONE! I WILL DO IT TO ANYONE!¡± He turned to stare at me and the smoke coming out of my head. ¡°WHAT?!¡± I screamed. ¡°Sorry,¡± He began. ¡°I¡¯m just wondering how much longer I¡¯m gonna have to let you keep yelling at me before you¡¯re willing to see how impossible it is to please you.¡± ¡°Ho-¡­. Huh?!¡± ¡°Okay, guess it¡¯s gonna be a little bit longer-¡° ¡°-What is impossible to please about me?!-¡± ¡°-Oh my lord, what isn¡¯t?! You¡¯re mad at us about kicking you out-you leave-you come back-you¡¯re mad about us letting you stay-you¡¯re mad about being fed-you¡¯re mad about having water but not more water-you¡¯re mad about being kept here and mad when I¡¯m disappointed you tried to escape but then also mad when I let you try to escape-you¡¯re mad about no one believing you but you¡¯re mad at me about trusting you. YOU, came back here willingly with Elizabeth when you owe us nothing, but you¡¯re mad that you¡¯re still alive. You see what I¡¯m dealing with here?¡± ¡°YOU, chose to deal with it. I didn¡¯t ask for your fucking support, I didn¡¯t ask for you to be my sponsor in my corner-I didn¡¯t ask for you to please me. A council meet-¡° ¡°-Waitwaitwait, shut up-I¡¯m not arguing with you while I¡¯m holding your fucking piss.¡± He walked out, and I heard him cursing around the corner as something splashed slightly onto the floor. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Jesus¡±, He said as he stormed back in. ¡°There has got to be a better way to do that- ¡°-A council meeting, Elijah?! An honest to God council meeting?! Are you writing a fan-fiction or something-who gave you this dumbass idea?¡± ¡°It¡¯s not my idea, so stop patting yourself on the back for dodging my altruism. We do it for everyone. We¡¯ve never done it for someone who came back after being exiled, but you¡¯re clearly a very special case for us.¡± ¡°¡®Us¡¯, or you?¡± ¡°Hey, remember when I said that I was giving you some time to think about it? Have you actually thought about it at all, you know, with all the free-time you¡¯ve had just sitting here in silence? You seem pretty rooted to your opinion.¡± ¡°I am. The sudden care for my being is making me extremely uncomfortable. I¡¯m dreading every second I have to keep stomaching the ploy of someone being on my side-¡° ¡°-See you need to get that word out of your head because nothing is a ploy. We want-¡° ¡°-See you need to get that word out of your mouth. I have enough trouble understanding why you want this. You keep saying ¡®we¡¯ as if you expect me to believe that anyone else is fighting for this-¡° ¡°-That¡¯s because you have no perspective, and that¡¯s not your fault. You can¡¯t hear the voice of the community from this room, so you¡¯re putting words in their mouth, and I¡¯m trying to stop that shit.¡± ¡°I got more than enough ¡®perspective¡¯ the night I came back, Elijah. That fight was a perfect example of you forcing your perspective onto a group. What are you, second in command? Third, maybe fourth? High enough that you say jump and someone dies for a stranger?¡± I could see him considering the logic of walking out and giving up on me. There wasn¡¯t a morsel of ¡°I shouldn¡¯t have said that¡± in my mind. Elijah is not my friend. ¡°Roman and I,¡± He finally said. I flinched. ¡°What?¡± ¡°We shouldn¡¯t have opened the gate with you there, period¡­.. he saw it in my eyes. It was my idea, sure¡­ but Roman is higher up the chain than me. If anyone there had a responsibility to ignore you, it was him. There isn¡¯t exactly a concrete chain of demand but¡­.. he made a decision for your life. We both agreed that no matter what the rest did, we were pulling you in¡­.. here you are.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Of course I didn¡¯t believe him in the moment. Roman? Why? He saw the confusion on my face. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Not the first time,¡± He said. ¡°I already told you that I thought Patrick¡¯s death was my fault. I thought that was something you were sensitive to¡­ whatever.¡± He walked over to the wall and leaned back, crossing his arms angrily. My comment had pulled a string in him. I doubt he had wanted to tell me about Roman. ¡°When you showed up with Elizabeth,¡± He began. ¡°We shouldn¡¯t have let anyone in that night, it didn¡¯t matter who was out there.¡± ¡°¡­.. why?¡± ¡°I told you before¡­ because She, your She, is not the only person that makes a decision here. I know you think that she¡¯s callous for being so quick to shove someone out, but there¡¯s more to letting someone in than the danger of getting them in the gate. We have our reasons.¡± I didn¡¯t know what he meant. ¡°But you came back,¡± He said. ¡°You came back with Elizabeth, so it was never really a question about whether we would open the gate. The question was¡­.. how we could gracefully take her in and keep you out.¡± ¡°I said, screamed, that I was fine with that-¡° ¡°-but that takes trust to believe. Now you tell me Cody, do you think that you had earned my trust at that point? You sure as hell don¡¯t think you have now, so what makes you think that statement meant anything to us back then?¡± I remembered the way I had torn my throat out that night, and imagined it being nothing but white noise to them. ¡°Just shut up, dude,¡± I said. ¡°You still cut it way too damn close. You could¡¯ve just killed me yourselves if you really thought it was that much of an issue. I¡¯m sure I know someone there who would¡¯ve loved to. It seems obvious that it was a HUGE question whether or not opening the gate for Lizzie was worth it.¡± He wrinkled his face. ¡°Because,¡± I said. ¡°How could Robert have ever known that Elizabeth had been brought back if you let her die outside like a stranger? He would never see the body, so it would never hurt him. That¡¯s what you really thought, right?¡± He looked away. ¡°That¡¯s the reason why I don¡¯t understand you keeping me here. I don¡¯t want to accuse anyone of lying, I just don¡¯t get it. Because I brought back Elizabeth? You thought she was already dead, it¡¯s not like you had a ¡°Have you seen me¡± reward poster up for locating her. You had given up, she meant nothing to you.¡± ¡°I never said-¡° ¡°-The royal ¡®you¡¯. Also, yes, you basically did.¡± He didn¡¯t look back to me, but he spoke like he was standing next to my ear. ¡°Stop doing that stupid fucking whisper-rasp, it¡¯s worse for your voice than talking normally. You think it makes you sound tough, it doesn¡¯t.¡± I giggled. ¡°I see why you two are friends,¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re just like her when someone doesn¡¯t listen to you.¡± He looked over, a little shocked after hearing how my normal voice currently sounded. I could do it, but it sounded like I was drowning. ¡°Always talking like you¡¯re in some corner that nobody put you in,¡± I added. ¡°Hm,¡± He said. ¡°Maybe it¡¯s just your voice that I¡¯m tired of.¡± I scoffed and put my head down on the table. ¡°Please leave and stop saying predictable shit,¡± I said, muffled by the steel. I heard him meander for a moment. ¡°It¡¯s 2:20 PM, Cody¡­ you have less than twenty hours to decide.¡± The door opened and closed with its usual ruckus. It wasn¡¯t incredibly ¡°predictable¡±, but it was just as inconsequential as the better part of everything else he¡¯d said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯m so mad. I have less than twenty hours to decide? What am I deciding? What am I changing my mind about? I feel like investing any emotion into this is a total scam. Elijah wants me to want this, why? That¡¯s my question above all fucking else, no matter what anybody says, and nobody has said anything. Why? What is the difference for them? I doubt my comedic timing is so desirable to be around that they¡¯d go through all this trouble to fight their instincts. No, I don¡¯t care. That twenty-hour timer is just the distance between me and the end of this psychological-guilt-trip-labyrinth. Let the clock run down. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª You know what makes me even more mad? The fact that he¡¯s so clearly electioneering with my fear of death, trying to existentially bully me into thinking I NEED this so bad. No, it¡¯s not that, I¡¯m thinking about you. Thinking about your safety, because trust me, you are not safe. Everyone knows you¡¯re not safe. He¡¯s such a manipulative little bastard. He must get a kick from seeing my brain wriggle back and forth in worry. Every time we have a ¡°conversation¡±, he goes down this invisible checklist of which personality he thinks will exploit my weakness the best. That must be so easy to do with a prisoner. Fucking lying little fence-sitting coward. I would hate to live with a person like you. At least everyone here who hates me seems to me honest about it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª How long would I be paying it off? Okay, I¡¯m here, but how far to my knees would I have to drop in the presence of anyone that allowed that for the rest of my life? I¡¯d be living like a worm. They can¡¯t expect me to think I¡¯d be an equal, right? Everyday would be a ceaseless cage-match of me and the judging eyes of everyone who knows that I shouldn¡¯t be here. To be honest, I would heavily question the moral ethics of this place if that wasn¡¯t the case. Take Robert for example. If I was ¡°integrated¡± into this society, is he just supposed to make merry with me as if we¡¯d always been brothers in Christ, just because I happened to be the body that brought Lizzie back? Sure, it means more to him than anyone else, but is that enough? If it was my daughter, would I throw the rest of my reservation out the window and assume the best? I just don¡¯t see anyone who lives here assuming the best of anything or anyone. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It just wouldn¡¯t last. It would most likely be my fault, but eventually I would break whatever slipshod agreement is expected of me. I can¡¯t compose myself to that kind of conduct. I was already ready to completely let go of myself in the real world. I¡¯ve retired. The energy it would take to keep my spine straight here is an energy I don¡¯t have. Once everyone sees that, then what? I¡¯m gone again? It would probably be a month at the most, but that month of living in ignorance would destroy me. I would crumple the second they shoved me back out of the gate. And would that month even be blissful ignorance? I would probably be so constantly worked up with all the eyes on my back, that the day I¡¯m thrown out might be a relief. The day I don¡¯t have to worry about being judged anymore. The Staff don¡¯t judge. As long as you¡¯re not one of them, they¡¯d treat you with the same respect level as anyone. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Remember the ¡°living¡± thing? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I wouldn¡¯t kill myself. I can¡¯t act like I would. If I died at the hands of something else, I might be slightly grateful no matter what happens, but I could never end it myself. I would have to just wait for something to end me. It would be easy to influence how fast it happens, but I wouldn¡¯t be fighting that battle. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª My rib is sore. Only sore, nothing else. My gum has been bleeding slightly, but now it¡¯s mostly just a weird bubble that I can¡¯t resist prodding with my tongue. Something is very wrong in the places I can¡¯t see, but it¡¯s receded to a post-traumatic headache and a sore throat. The rest is just crinkling and atrophied. It¡¯s been years since I¡¯d felt like my body and I understood each other, but I thought we had at least agreed on giving up in here. It¡¯s persisting so angrily. Maybe to spite me, but I call it unrelated. I¡¯m supposed to be listening to it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I remember the moment I woke up on my first cataloged day here. My thought pattern kept returning to inaccessible things, like it couldn¡¯t yet recognize the fact that we were somewhere else. Even after I got up and started walking, I was constantly reminding myself to move my favorite plant from the living room into my bedroom, because Chandler and Toby never watered any of them. I¡¯d felt physically fantastic that morning, and mentally willing. That¡¯s the only reason I was able to continue searching for those next few days, and didn¡¯t immediately slip off the edge of sanity. I had woken up feeling so randomly sanguine. Christ, I was calm. I¡¯ve been thinking about that morning a lot. If I had never gone to buy that table, I would have spent that morning waking up in my normal bedroom. Would I have had that same optimism? What if I had woken up that day and realized how stupid it was that I was planning to spend the rest of my life practically dead? If I had felt that same way without the impossible obstacle of incomprehensible abduction¡­ it would have felt so easy. So easy to say: ¡°But¡­ you¡¯re still alive¡­ what more is there to talk about? Just make it better.¡± By the time I felt that, the place for it was far away. If I could have stepped back, even if it didn¡¯t feel right in the moment¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª What the hell do I know? Do I really think I would have been intelligent enough to see it? See it before I destroyed it¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª He opened and closed the door without saying anything. He placed the bread on the table with a bottle of water, then went to sit on the floor. I drank the water slowly, ate the bread slower. ¡°8:53 PM,¡± He said. I couldn¡¯t make eye contact, so I couldn¡¯t completely tell if he said it in my direction. ¡°You can tie my arms back up,¡± I said. ¡°It really doesn¡¯t matter as long as the door is closed. If I felt like I was in danger, I would run out before you did anything.¡± I looked up to see him playing with the string of his sweatpants, looking down at his lap. There was a giant orange stain on the left leg that had probably been there for years. ¡°Do you guys really not know what happened to Nick?¡± I asked. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Is that the guy that was with you?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°No, I¡¯m sorry.¡± ¡°But you haven¡¯t seen a body, right?¡± ¡°No body¡­ but we haven¡¯t been searching for one. Just because it¡¯s not right outside doesn¡¯t mean¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I swallowed the second pill. ¡°Sandra thinks you might have pneumonia,¡± He said. ¡°What does that mean?¡± ¡°It¡¯s a respiratory infection.¡± ¡°I mean what does it mean for my health?¡± ¡°You¡¯d have to ask her. I¡¯m pretty sure it¡¯s not that bad.¡± ¡°How trustworthy is she about something like that?¡± ¡°She was an LPN. She knows enough random bullshit to prove it. If she¡¯s acting, she could¡¯ve fooled me.¡± ¡°Do you commonly have to question if she¡¯s acting or not?¡± He didn¡¯t look up, but sneered. ¡°I don¡¯t know how to save a life, dude. She tries to teach us stuff saying ¡®what happens when I die¡¯, but nobody wants to think about that. We¡¯re horses until our legs are broken. I trust her as much as I need to.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I used to like talking to you,¡± I said. ¡°Now I don¡¯t anymore.¡± ¡°Have you ever liked talking to anyone?¡± It didn¡¯t make me mad. ¡°I think so.¡± He finally looked up at me. ¡°I don¡¯t trust you,¡± Elijah said. ¡°I like you. I trust in our ability to manage you, even if you¡¯re erratic.¡± ¡°It¡¯s alright, Elijah.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°What do you mean ¡®it¡¯s alright¡¯?¡± ¡°I just don¡¯t want to be a burden.¡± He stood up. ¡°You trying to not be a burden is incredibly burdening.¡± He sounded just like my- ¡°Also,¡± He said. ¡°You¡¯re not a burden in the first place. Arguing on your behalf isn¡¯t the strenuous war-zone you¡¯re making it out to be. I told you the decision is already made¡­¡­ you seem like you¡¯re tuning me out-¡° ¡°-Because I feel like we¡¯ve been talking in circles for the past twenty-four hours. I don¡¯t think there¡¯s anything left to say.¡± He grimaced. ¡°So¡­ you¡¯re done?¡± I laughed tiredly and leaned back in the chair. ¡°How many times have I answered that question?¡± He turned around. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You told her both of your parents are still alive,¡± He said. I closed my eyes. ¡°Please shut up,¡± I rasped at him. ¡°And siblings¡­ you have family, right?¡± I didn¡¯t respond. ¡°If you had to guess,¡± He prodded. ¡°Do you think they¡¯re thinking about you more or less than you¡¯re thinking about them?¡± ¡°GOD DAMMIT I¡¯M SO FUCKING SICK OF YOU-JUST SHUT-ohmygodohmygodohmygod-¡± He spun around. ¡°-WHAT, CODY?!¡± The lights outside went out as darkness swallowed the room with Elijah in it. ¡°DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THEM?! DID YOU THINK ABOUT HOW THEY WOULD FEEL IF THEY FOUND OUT THEIR SON JUST GAVE UP LIKE THIS-¡° ¡°-they wouldn¡¯t care you fucking tone deaf moron-I can¡¯t believe you¡¯re genuinely speaking those words-you are scientifically damaged-¡° ¡°-¡®they wouldn¡¯t care¡¯-yeah must be real easy for you to speak for them and call ME the tone deaf moron-¡° ¡°-I can¡¯t do it I can¡¯t do it I can¡¯t do it I can¡¯t have another conversation with you say whatever you want-I¡¯m done talking-¡° ¡°-BUT WHY?! WHY ARE YOU DONE?! WHAT IS MAKING YOU SO AMAZINGLY EAGER TO DIE-WHY CAN¡¯T YOU DO THIS-¡° ¡°-BECAUSE IT¡¯S TOo hard-¡­¡± I broke down. Elijah went silent as I covered my face in my hands and sobbed into my palms. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°¡®Doesn¡¯t mean being alive is arrogant¡¯-I can¡¯t believe I said that shit to her. Lizzie will grow up and realize how bullshit it is if she doesn¡¯t already. It¡¯s always arrogant. I¡¯m tired of feeling like that. Of course I don¡¯t want to die¡­ I just don¡¯t want this to be what my life is¡­. And¡­ being scared to die doesn¡¯t make anything easier to deal with, and hating everything doesn¡¯t make it any less scary to leave. Just one fire after the other, but none of them ever go out. I¡¯m so goddamn exhausted, but¡­.. I don¡¯t want to feel better. I don¡¯t want this place to help me, I don¡¯t want to be helped¡­¡­.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I sat there crying, waiting for the moment that the door would open and signal Elijah giving up and leaving. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I felt his torso against my right shoulder, as his arms wrapped around me awkwardly. I guffawed, trying to move away, but he pulled into himself. ¡°Elijah, both my hands are untied-I will do something that I know will force you to fight me.¡± He stayed silent ¡°Please stop¡­ pLeAsE¡­¡± I started crying harder. ¡°Don¡¯t do this¡­ I don¡¯t want to¡­¡± He held me for what must have been fifteen minutes as I couldn¡¯t get a hold of myself, periodically cursing and yelling at him between random moans. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª My crying faded to heavy breathing as he separated from me and took my right wrist in both hands. I opened my eyes, adjusted to just the smallest orange glow from far outside. It created a blurry outline of his body kneeling down next to the chair, looking up at me. ¡°Do you remember who Jen is?¡± He asked. I sniffed hard to suck my snot up, but still had to wipe my nose on my shirt. ¡°I¡­. no¡­.¡± His thumb was rubbing my wrist. I don¡¯t think it was to calm me, I think it was his nervous fidget. ¡°She¡¯s Patrick¡¯s sister¡­ you saw her crying the first night you showed up here¡­ the one that wanted to kick you in the jaw.¡± ¡°Oh¡­. her¡­. yeah, I remember¡­¡­¡­. she was his sister?¡± ¡°Well, Patrick is dead, not her. She still is his sister¡­¡­¡­¡­. Jen is depressed¡­¡­ ridiculously depressed. She treats Hell like purgatory now. She doesn¡¯t leave her house. Roman brings her food, brings her books, carries around her piss and shit in a drawer to bring it to the bathroom, just like I do with you. He watches her, makes sure she isn¡¯t planning on hurting herself¡­. but she never goes outside anymore. She spends most of the day asleep or lying awake in bed. Roman has trouble getting ten words a day out of her. She was never the most cheery person here, but she was alive¡­¡­.. I think the better part of her died with him that night¡­.. maybe the way you said it was right.¡± I remember her curled up in Roman¡¯s arms, with the anger and mania that had likely made up a stronger person before that night. I realized why he was telling me this. Elijah¡­ "I''m sorry," I said, whining. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I ever showed up¡­.. obviously I wish I never showed up but¡­ I¡¯m sorry to you. I feel like I started a landslide.¡± ¡°Alright well, don¡¯t be, and don¡¯t give yourself too much credit. I think that you appearing might have shown us some cracks in a foundation we should have noticed before. I think there''s some... unhealthy complacency here that needed to be looked at a long time ago. Maybe I should thank you for that, but don''t put your name on any other cause and effect that you think you see." "Isn''t that what you''re doing?" I asked. I saw the outline of his head look up at me. "You weren''t like this the last time you were here... I didn¡¯t handle you right. I''m sorry if I ruined this for you... I''m starting to think that I kind of just do that to people." "Elijah, a little girl is alive and safe. How I feel now is well worth that. Your fault is nowhere near me. Whatever I feel¡­ somehow I would¡¯ve felt it anyway." He squirmed. ¡°Sorry I¡­ I¡¯m not there with you. No one life is worth another.¡± I had the sudden intuition that Patrick¡¯s death had put a new Golden Rule into place here. It wasn¡¯t just The Girl¡¯s perspective now, but the new perspective of the commonwealth. ¡°You could¡¯ve been, and we¡¯re going to be one of us,¡± He said. ¡°You will be one of us. That means that your life is all of ours to protect. Risking your life for Elizabeth might just seem like it¡¯s protecting one of our own, but I see it as her not doing her part to protect you.¡± ¡°She¡¯s a child-¡° ¡°-I know I know, I¡¯m being far-fetched, but if it was anybody else¡¯s life you had been saving¡­ I¡¯d stand by that verbatim¡­¡­. and that is to say¡­¡­ I wasn¡¯t doing my best before¡­.. I¡¯m sorry if I¡¯m your reason for wanting out.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You¡¯re not¡­ but if you were, I don¡¯t accept your jaded ass apology.¡± The flicker was just enough to see his lips curling. ¡°Also,¡± I said. ¡°You said I will, and I don¡¯t remember this conversation meaning I agreed yet.¡± The flicker was just enough to see the smile disappear. ¡°¡­¡­ obviously I do though.¡± ¡°Why would that be obvious?¡± He said, mockingly. I wished he could see me rolling my eyes. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°How¡­. How do I agree? What am I agreeing to?¡± He looked away from me. ¡°We can talk about tomorrow, but¡­.¡± He began. ¡°Just make me a deal, and we¡¯ll go from there.¡± I waited in response as he looked back. ¡°For the next five days, you have to try as hard as I¡¯m trying,¡± He said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Okay, I will.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Hey¡­ just so I know,¡± He said. ¡°Was that hug more or less awkward than Roman water-falling you?¡± I laughed, I couldn¡¯t help it. It came just as naturally as my tears had. ¡°More, way fucking more.¡± He nodded his head slowly. ¡°You see how hard my job is trying to be the funny one in this depressing ass place?¡± I laughed again, and kept laughing, and for a little bit of time, he laughed with me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª That would be the last time in a long time that I wasn¡¯t outstandingly angry with Elijah. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Pulsing like a waterlogged circuit breaker. Undulating higher above my head and lower beneath ground level every time. Ticking like it¡¯s covered in beaks. A restriction has been enforced in my lungs, and I¡¯m nowhere near getting enough air. Cackling beaks. One million beaks. Regurgitating each other and vomiting into the shape of chains around my ankles. Key is in the middle of the mass. I don¡¯t think it¡¯s worth it. No. I would rather stay shackled and starve alone than ever touch that thing. The moment it¡¯s on my skin, that skin isn¡¯t mine anymore. Beaks and beaks and beaks and beaks. Littering the ruby mess of twisted hemoglobin. One has a blue tongue. Name on the tip. Does anybody else know this is down here? I¡¯m about to tear all of my ears off for it. Even my favorite one is begging to go deaf. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I shot up screaming, immediately scaring myself more with the unfamiliar ability to grasp at my sweaty face. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Cody Camargo: Twenty-four days in. I think I dreamt of Wyatt last night. I don¡¯t remember, but I suddenly can¡¯t stop thinking about him. About it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I was shaking for seven million other reasons when it happened, so I guess I hadn¡¯t noticed, but I notice now. You can be ¡°adjusted¡± by however much you think you¡¯ve seen, but the human brain itself does not like seeing another dead body. I wasn¡¯t going to get away from it so easily, if ever. I was not okay. I would have to make up for being on Lizzie¡¯s side. I had tried to pass it off like I was insolent in the wake of it. How disrespectful am I to have tried to make a fucking Animal Collective reference with Wyatt¡¯s corpse? The fear was in my stomach, flush with the face of the great-sword that seemed to be a little duller this morning. I wiped the sweat off my face with my shirt, and noticed that my armpits were soaked. My back felt as though it might look the same. Is it healthy to tell myself that it¡¯s over? It¡¯s just a pile of rotting muscle at the bottom of a hole, it can¡¯t do anything to me. I¡¯m alive, it¡¯s not. It¡¯s okay if it affects me, but it can¡¯t touch me anymore. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Am I wrong? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah opened the door. ¡°You ready?¡± I took a deep breath that I was incredibly surprised didn¡¯t knock the trip-wire of a coughing attack. ¡°I¡¯m ready for you to tell me if I¡¯m ready or not.¡± He looked at me closer as he moved up to the table. ¡°Are you¡­ okay?¡± Did I look like a drowning rat? ¡°I had a nightmare¡­ is this a bad appearance?¡± He thought for a second. ¡°I think it¡¯s actually pretty good¡­¡­ I¡¯m um¡­. I¡¯m gonna try and find you some perfume though.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have deodorant?¡± He wiggled back and forth. ¡°They¡¯re not gonna let me give you deodorant. You¡¯ll just have to smell like sweaty flowers.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª He opened the door for me with my arms tied behind my back, now wearing a red t-shirt of his that was just one size too big for me. This one didn¡¯t smell like a locker-room like mine had. I walked out as he closed the door behind me. ¡°I¡¯m gonna walk you to the church.¡± ¡°Okay¡­.. am I¡­. gonna have to make a speech? I kinda thought of some stuff to say.¡± ¡°Jesus-um¡­. We¡¯ll see if it comes to that, but I¡¯m mostly just gonna be teeing you up¡­.. you didn¡¯t make flashcards or anything, right?¡± We began walking through the village. There were not nearly as many people up and about as the last time Elijah and I had taken this walk. The absence of his crossbow wasn¡¯t exactly enough to make my wristbands dignified, but I felt some level of respect regardless, even as I saw a middle-aged couple holding hands and walking past us. They politely averted their gaze, continuing their normal conversation as if they didn¡¯t notice the prisoner being carted through their town. A morning walk seemed like it wouldn¡¯t be very effective here, but the two had an elegant carelessness that felt so charming. I looked down a row and caught a scene of a woman and two children. I think I remembered seeing the kids on my first visit, and the woman they were walking with was the one I had handed the body of Lizzie to. She seemed to be scolding them as they danced around her wildly. I still couldn¡¯t imagine a child living here, but the two of them looked so vibrant. Smiling and playful, so happily cliche. I think I can realize now that that¡¯s everything they¡¯re searching for here. Cliche. A safe cliche of regular. That was going to be a really good morale boost for my necessary optimism, until I looked around another corner, and saw something that was very much not regular. I had to focus in, because I was sure I couldn¡¯t have been seeing it right, let alone seeing it. When I realized it was exactly what I thought it was, I jumped out of my skin. It must have been a ghost, but it made me tense up so violently that my rib began to whine. ¡°The hell was that?!¡± Elijah said in response to my jump. Not now, please not right now¡­ ¡°I thought I..¡­¡± Think about it later. Not now. ¡°Hey¡­ before we go,¡± I said. ¡°You think Sandra has an ice pack I could borrow?¡± ¡°Uuuuuuhhhhhh¡­.¡± He looked in another direction, a little flustered, then looked back. ¡°Yes, but¡­ I think we should get weird with it,¡± He said. I frowned. ¡°Huh? What the hell does that mean?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah¡¯s right hand slipped up my shirt as I walked on my toes. ¡°Ow-fuckkkk-¡° ¡°-I¡¯m not pressing that hard-¡° He said. ¡°-it¡¯s because I¡¯m not controlling it-it¡¯s scaring me. Why is this a good idea?¡± ¡°It will make you look vulnerable. That¡¯s a likable quality.¡± Elijah was standing directly behind me, with his right hand holding the ice pack on my rib. ¡°Everyone knows I¡¯m vulnerable, I look that part on my own¡­ also, why do I need likable qualities for a decision that¡¯s ¡®already been made¡¯?¡± He didn¡¯t answer. ¡°Elijah!¡± ¡°It¡¯s already happening, you¡¯re gonna find out in like sixty seconds.¡± That answer was a warning bell that I did not hear. We approached the awkwardly shaped building that had made me somewhat apprehensive before. To try and describe it, it looked like the first two and a half impacts of a pinball. It started as a plain one story cathedral, but the decorative top above it sloped to one side rather than staying symmetrical. The weirdest part is that it jutted out AGAIN towards the opposite direction, stopping in the middle. The building was mostly the same hodgepodge mix of assets as most others, but seemed to be composed of mostly darker colored materials. Something deep within me didn¡¯t like this building. Roman was leaning against the wall as we approached. ¡°Oh hey, is it just me, or are you super fucking late?¡± He said to Elijah. ¡°He was in a little bit of disarray, I had to clean him up.¡± Roman looked me up and down. ¡°He doesn¡¯t look much more presentable.¡± ¡°I said clean him up, not doll him up.¡± Roman¡¯s eyes fixated on Elijah¡¯s hand sticking awkwardly up my shirt. ¡°Is he¡­ pregnant?¡± ¡°Why? Does he look like he has that natural glow?¡± ¡°Can we go inside please?¡± I interjected. Roman shivered a little uncomfortably. ¡°I¡¯m gonna see if they¡¯re ready,¡± He said, as he slipped in the door. ¡°You nervous?¡± Elijah asked me. ¡°Um¡­ I don¡¯t really know. I thought you said we were gonna talk about this? What exactly am I doing when I go in there?¡± ¡°Besides being pretty?¡± ¡°¡­¡­ yes.¡± ¡°Making me look good!¡± ¡°That¡¯s not really answering my question¡­¡± I looked behind us. Margo was standing nervously by a building across the way from the entrance. She waved at us, smiling wide. I tried to smile at least a little genuinely, but I secretly hoped that she didn¡¯t see I had done it. I heard the door open behind me. ¡°Alright, let''s go,¡± Roman said from inside it. ¡°Hey,¡± Elijah said over my shoulder. ¡°Why didn¡¯t you wave back?¡± I shot him a vicious side-eye. ¡°Think I could do it if I dislocate my fucking shoulder?¡± He cupped his hands around his mouth. ¡°CODY SAID HE DIDN¡¯T WAVE BACK BECAUSE HE¡¯S REALLY MAD AT YOU ABOUT THE ¡®BIG WORDS¡¯ COMMENT!¡± I groaned as Elijah pulled my arm to lead me into the church. Roman closed the door behind us as I faced forward to take in the guts of the building. I had to consider the possibility that I was having a stroke. The only arrival of light in the building seemed to be from different groups of four windows placed together into barely larger inlets, so it made everything a little hard to see. Hard isn¡¯t a good word, unpleasant is better. The scene was strange enough, but the strange angles of light made everything feel weirdly surreal. The pews were all a random uneven assortment of couches and chairs, all cushioned. It seemed comfier than a normal church, but probably much easier to fall asleep in. The only order to their placement was a somewhat straight, uniform walkway in the middle. The room was not very deep, so the staged threshold of the establishment couldn¡¯t have been very far away, but as we started walking, it felt like it was growing constantly farther and larger from my perspective. I saw seven people scattered around it, most of which I sadly realized I did not want to see. I quickly averted my eyes upwards to what I thought would be an easier picture to perceive. Yet somehow, looking up at the ceiling felt just like looking at a black void with no stars. Just like lying on my back and looking at the endlessly twisting absence of a night sky. It was just something about the architecture. Something about how the light of the windows seemed to stay just to the edge of the first set of rafters, something about the way the building left itself above them, it was maddening. ¡°Hey,¡± Elijah said. ¡°What?¡± Roman and I said at the same time. ¡°No not¡­ Roman-you Roman,¡± He said. ¡°Can you switch off with me here?¡± ¡°What? What do you¡­¡± Roman began. Elijah removed the ice pack from my side and handed it to him. ¡°I can¡¯t exactly be standing behind him the whole time,¡± Elijah said. ¡°Wait¡­¡± I said. Roman groaned as he snatched the ice pack from him. Elijah smiled as he ran away from us and up to the other seven. I stopped walking as I timidly considered running the opposite direction. ¡°Is um¡­¡± Roman began. I looked to him. ¡°Is your rib still really bad?¡± He said without making eye contact. ¡°You don¡¯t have to-ah okay,¡± I tried to say before he had returned the ice pack to its place on my side. He didn¡¯t apply nearly the same amount of pressure, as I could tell he was only doing it to avoid a back-and-forth with Elijah. ¡°You sure you¡¯re ready for this?¡± He whispered. ¡°That¡¯s the fucking question of the hour, dude. I don¡¯t even know what this is.¡± The pressure against my rib suddenly intensified. ¡°Owwwwww, can you please warn me before you-¡° I looked down at Roman¡¯s arm, and saw that it was shaking. ¡°You two!¡± Elijah called to us as I kept staring down. ¡°?Ven aqui!¡± I began walking as Roman said nothing. ¡°Roman?¡± ¡°Just walk¡­ please,¡± He said without whispering. I was not liking where any of this was going. I reached and stepped up on the pulpit. ¡°Thanks for coming!¡± Elijah said to me. ¡°I warned them that you¡¯re never on time, so I hope you didn¡¯t worry about rushing.¡± ¡°Elijah,¡± My favorite voice said to my left as I turned. ¡°Can we please start off on a competent note?¡± The Girl was standing there, watching him nervously. I looked around the rest of the party to see the black girl I recognized from Roman¡¯s group, Robert, the creepy motherfucker with the strange birthmark on his arm, a plump man about my height with an incredibly dirty looking beard, a tall man with two cherry red earrings in his right ear, and surprisingly, an old woman that couldn¡¯t have been less than seventy-five years old. She was sitting in a folding chair, smiling at me politely as she played with a Rubik''s cube she wasn¡¯t even peeking at. Her boney fingers moved much faster than most people¡¯s could at half her age. I was incredibly intrigued by that¡­.. but not nearly enough to keep my eyes away from the thing I had been dying to look back at since the moment my eyes had left it. I turned back to my left. The Girl was wearing a red and black plaid flannel, skinny jeans with the ankles rolled up, long white socks and black converse. Her hair was still wrapped in a ponytail, but tied a couple inches further down than I was used to seeing her wear it. She looked¡­ really¡­ really fucking good. Though, she seemed quite uncomfortable. She was standing, bizarrely, incredibly rigid. Her strict, straight posture was articulating the couple-inches taller than me that her usual irreverent body language had never truly shown her to be. That also looked¡­ really¡­ really fucking- ¡°Of course we can,¡± Elijah interrupted my wandering thought process. ¡°Really quick, Cody, I think you should probably meet the people you¡¯ll be speaking with today.¡± Elijah began walking around the scattered group of seven. ¡°Probably shouldn¡¯t let you two get to know each other any better, huh?¡± He said, motioning to The Girl. She met eyes with me for a moment as I looked away, no longer idiotically brave before her. ¡°Yeah, maybe some other time,¡± He added. Elijah¡¯s voice had taken on an uncanny quality that I was really not a fan of. He stepped beside her to the black girl, leaned against the wall with her fingers knotted. ¡°You¡¯ve met Carolette a couple times already, but here¡¯s your formal introduction. Hopefully you two will spend much more time together soon.¡± She threw me a Shaka, half-smiling to me, as I tried not to be too creepy when returning it. I hadn¡¯t before been able to appreciate how pretty she was. Elijah moved to the man that I realized I was somehow the most scared to make eye contact with. ¡°You also have¡­ obviously met Robert.¡± A side of Robert¡¯s lip curled up nastily to me before he looked away. The part of me that wanted to angrily monologue about that for the next five pages of this journal was silenced. I was incredibly relieved to see that Robert hadn¡¯t immediately welcomed me as his friend, no matter the circumstance. ¡°Yeah,¡± Elijah said. ¡°You guys are probably on the same page about that.¡± He moved to the man that I did not want to be introduced to. ¡°Here¡¯s someone I¡¯m pretty sure you haven¡¯t met,¡± Elijah said, motioning to the creepy birthmark man. ¡°This is Otto-¡° ¡°-Nice to finally speak with you,¡± Otto interrupted happily. ¡°Cody, was it? I¡¯m our priest here at Return & Exchange. I hope the two of us will soon have time to talk in a calmer setting.¡± Everybody stared at him strangely for a silent ten seconds. ¡°Okay¡­¡± Elijah said awkwardly. ¡°We aren¡¯t really doing icebreakers but thank you, Otto¡­¡± Elijah awkwardly stepped around him and moved to the man with the¡­ Jesus Christ that beard is so greasy it is literally hard to look at. What the hell is going on in that thing? ¡°This is Vernon¡­ uh¡­ it feels weird not telling you what people do now so, Vernon is the closest thing we have to a technician, electrician, and engineer. He can show you how the ¡®electricity¡¯ in this place works one day.¡± Vernon didn¡¯t smile, as Elijah stepped around him even more awkwardly. I couldn¡¯t tell from here, but I had a feeling that Vernon might not smell very good. Elijah put his hand on the shoulder of the tall man as he crossed his arms. He was about Roman¡¯s height, but much lankier, and looked to be middle-eastern. ¡°This is Tecca,¡± Elijah said. ¡°Glorified head of the mostly defunct HR department. I have the crazy feeling that you two would get along.¡± ¡°We wouldn¡¯t,¡± Tecca whispered in one of the most soothingly gentle voices I¡¯d ever heard. He was also unbelievably stunning. Something about his face was just perfectly immaculate, it was kind of unbelievable. ¡°And of course,¡± Elijah said as he walked towards the old woman. ¡°We have our crown jewel, and no, she doesn¡¯t like that title. This is Evelyn.¡± ¡°Hello, son,¡± Evelyn said to me warmly. ¡°We¡¯re so glad you¡¯re here.¡± Elijah didn¡¯t interrupt her, or shoot her any judging looks as she continued. ¡°I know you¡¯re probably wondering why an old bat like me is cooped up in here with all these youngins¡­¡± ¡°Vernon is forty, Evelyn,¡± Carolette said. ¡°Heh, forty is fresh-faced,¡± She responded. ¡°How old are you, dear?¡± She asked me. ¡°I¡¯m 23,¡± I replied with a respectful voice I hadn¡¯t anticipated using. ¡°Really?! You don¡¯t look it at all,¡± She replied. She of course neglects to leave out which way she means that. ¡°Thanks¡­¡± Elijah looks back to me. ¡°I¡¯m guessing I don¡¯t have to introduce you to the lovable chunk of meat that¡¯s currently nursing your rib back to health?¡± Roman switched his weight to his other foot. I fought not to stumble, as just his small uncomfortable shifting had almost thrown me to the ground. ¡°And me of course¡­¡± Elijah continued. ¡°Well, this is The Council!¡± ¡°It¡¯s¡­ just the eight of you?¡± ¡°Just? This group is cool enough that I have a superhero codename for it, remember?¡± ¡°I¡¯m beginning to think that¡¯s just because you¡¯re in it¡­¡± I said under my breath. Tecca stifled a giggle. ¡°I guess it¡¯s a little meek from the outside looking in,¡± Elijah said. ¡°I¡¯m hoping it will be taken a little more serious now that there¡¯s nine of us.¡± I hadn¡¯t realized that was an intro line for about nine seconds. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Ww¡­ what did you just say?¡± I mumbled groggily. ¡°Alright,¡± He replied. ¡°Obviously we all know your name pretty damn well by now, but I think you should properly introduce yourself.¡± Roman began pushing me forward, catching me before I fell on my face. He walked me to the middle of the circle before stepping away from my sensitive side. Elijah began walking past me as I spoke. ¡°Elijah?¡± I said. ¡°Are you being funny?¡± I turned around as he had taken a spot up next to The Girl. ¡°Does it look like we¡¯re standing in a room full of comedically patient people, Cody?¡± I spun around 360 degrees like a dog, suddenly incredibly sweaty again. When my eyes returned to Elijah, he was standing closer to her. She closed her eyes for a moment, and as they opened, stared at me with an expression that didn¡¯t make any sense on her face. I fought not to look away. ¡°We¡¯re starving,¡± She said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It didn¡¯t mean anything on paper, and yet, about five trillion puzzle pieces were clicking in the back of my head. ¡°Starving?¡± I sputtered. ¡°Not yet, not really,¡± Elijah began. ¡°But we¡¯re on our way. I arrived a short while before the end of the golden age where we didn¡¯t have to ration at all. We have a Caf¨¦ inside the walls, if you¡¯re wondering how Margo works her magic. It¡¯s fantastic. Every morning it¡¯s a new endless supply of food and drink¡­ except¡­ R&E started finding out around citizen #104 that it¡¯s actually the one thing in this place that isn¡¯t endless. We can feed a good percentage of our people¡­ but in order to do it steadily, a good amount of us have to survive quite sparsely. We developed a good rotation of that responsibility, nobody is consistently starving to the bone, but the more people that arrive, the harder that gets. I¡¯m sure I don¡¯t have to show you the math. Not only that, but with growing children¡­ long/short, it had became more than a blip on the radar quite a while ago. We¡¯re further below the line of sufficiency than any of us would like to be¡­ but many of us don¡¯t know that. We would very much like to keep it that way. So, what could we do to mitigate? Well, not letting another single person in the gate ever again is a good place to start¡­¡­ does that sound like a reasonable idea to you, Cody?¡± I felt like I couldn¡¯t breathe again. My mental storage was beyond full. ¡°Speechless? I didn¡¯t think it was that hard of a question to answer,¡± He continued somewhat obnoxiously. ¡°Well, if you feel hung up on it, don¡¯t be embarrassed¡­ that¡¯s the exact same query that the eight of us have been struggling with for the past year and a half¡­¡­. But I think that we¡¯ve arrived at a solution¡­ or, and I hate to sound corny here, a solution has arrived to us.¡± He hung in silence for a moment. ¡°¡­.. still waiting for you to introduce yourself,¡± He said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I just¡­ couldn¡¯t find the box I left my undying anger in. I should be so fucking mad at Elijah right now. Is it because a pretty giant part of me is not even surprised that he had bullshitted me past the point of shame that I was so sure he wouldn¡¯t cross? Or is it because¡­ I suddenly realized I had been staring into The Girl¡¯s eyes for almost two minutes straight. Staring at her constricted demeanor. Was it because she was trying to act official as a member of this awfully composed assembly? No, not a chance in Hell. So why was she so restricted right now? ¡°I¡­¡± I began to speak. ¡°I¡¯m confused how I¡¯m a solution to that. I don¡¯t think that eating me would last you more than a couple days.¡± I heard Robert huff behind me. ¡°Yeah, agreed,¡± Elijah said. ¡°When you left¡­ um¡­ were asked to leave last time, were you able to feed yourself?¡± ¡°Y-¡­ yeah. There¡¯s another caf¨¦ like¡­ geez, I don¡¯t know¡­ a couple miles from here?¡± ¡°8.1 miles,¡± Vernon said behind me. ¡°Is the point-one necessary?¡± Carolette mumbled, surely not wanting to have a conversation with Vernon. ¡°You talkin¡¯ waypoint distance now?¡± Tecca said to him, lacking the same reservation. ¡°Like you¡¯ve even been outside in the past four years-¡± ¡°-talking. I¡¯m still talking,¡± Elijah took back the room to say. ¡°So you know the one. There¡¯s actually another that¡¯s just barely in our range of knowledge around the opposite direction but¡­. we like to stay away from that one-¡° ¡°-Main scavenging caf¨¦,¡± I interrupted again. ¡°The main scavenging caf¨¦-I know, Lizzie said something about it down there. You use it when you run low on food?¡± ¡°Weee¡­ have¡­. in the past. Actualllyyyyy, Patrick used to do it.¡± I had a very good idea of where my anger box was now. ¡°Is that what this abou-¡° ¡°-Nonono, Patrick USED to. Like, stopped long before you got here used to. We had made the decision that it was objectively not worth the danger of one of us leaving the walls.¡± ¡°¡­. just one of you? For the sake of¡­ all of you starving? I¡¯m confused how that¡¯s not worth it.¡± ¡°Of course you are, because to you, that outside is nothing. You¡¯re perfect for this job!¡± I was getting left far behind in this conversation. Elijah was jumping over logical holes, and I didn¡¯t even know which concern to bring up first. ¡°Sorry¡­ job? Are you offering me a job? Also, what the hell makes you think that the outside is-¡° The Girl stamped her foot. I looked at her, expecting her to scream, but she stayed narrow, tugging anxiously at her pockets with both hands. ¡°It¡¯s not a job, it¡¯s community service,¡± She said. ¡°You provide us a service¡­ we protect you.¡± Goddamit, get mad. Why am I not able to get angry right now?! I wanted my voice to be a horrible wailing when it came out, but it was so careful around her all of a sudden. ¡°But¡­ why¡­ why are you only doing it now? Why me? I¡¯ve seen what you guys can do out there. Is there something in the daytime I¡¯ve been missing? Why can¡¯t you go when they¡¯re not around so much? There¡¯s enough daylight for that, why not go out in giant armed groups?¡± ¡°That¡¯s a risk,¡± Robert said behind me as I turned around. ¡°It¡¯s always an unknown risk. A risk of valuable people. We won¡¯t expend that just expecting this place to stay predictable every day.¡± ¡°Ohhhh okay,¡± I said with the anger beginning to bubble. ¡°Well don''t put me in Mission Control here, but I doubt the food problem is anywhere near dire if that¡¯s a risk you aren¡¯t willing to take.¡± ¡°Well, dire is always a strong word,¡± Elijah said, as I began getting tired of spinning around. ¡°But anything less than good is bad when it comes to this¡­ of course we don¡¯t want anybody to die for it, though. Furthermore, we don¡¯t want to have to indirectly kill anyone for it¡­. we want to be able to sleep at night¡­¡­. seems like something you could understand.¡± I turned around. ¡°Let¡¯s all be honest about it,¡± Elijah said, smiling. ¡°You are expendable. If something happens to you, it is not our problem¡­.. so¡­ if you really want to stay, there¡¯s a way you can.¡± I was almost impressed by his general apathy. Almost charmed. I¡¯d found my anger, but it didn¡¯t look appetizing anymore sitting next to my pure disbelief. ¡°So¡­ what? You want me to fetch-quest for my life?¡± ¡°It¡¯d be cool, yeah,¡± He said. ¡°All you have to do is let us keep an eye on you.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Someone less persuasive had offered me something a similar way before, but the reward was much greater than the protection of my life. This was a trap. I knew it was, I just didn¡¯t know how. Precaution is precaution is precaution, but there was undeniably something pretty big that they weren¡¯t telling me. This place isn¡¯t a playground, but in order for you to only rise to action when what you¡¯re risking is nonessential¡­ What¡¯s the difference between this speech, and every other one that Elijah gave me in that cell? Of course he¡¯s lying, they¡¯re all lying, and I can¡¯t blame them. Why would you ever be truthful with someone who is easy to lie to? To be honest, I was just hoping that the secret was cool. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I shrugged. Elijah¡¯s smile widened to show his teeth. ¡°Wanna say what you¡¯d been rehearsing in your room?¡± He asked. I squirmed, wincing as I accidentally hurt my rib. ¡°It¡¯s not¡­ really, uh¡­¡­ relevant after everything you guys just said.¡± Elijah bobbed his head from side to side playfully. ¡°Relevant-schmelevant. Just share it with the class,¡± He said. I hadn¡¯t expected half of ¡°The Council¡± to be comprised of the people it was. I promise that I hadn¡¯t thought out a massive speech or anything, but the small piece I¡¯d planned to say sounded worlds more embarrassing than I was willing to utter in present company¡­ ¡°Well, um¡­..¡± ¡­In front of her. ¡°I wanted to make a demand.¡± Evelyn laughed an aged, hollow yet jolly laugh. I guess I didn¡¯t realize that was funny. I couldn¡¯t stop watching The Girl¡¯s fingers, as they tapped wildly on her side. She obviously had something to say that she wasn¡¯t saying. ¡°Demand?¡± Robert spoke up. I wouldn¡¯t have turned around for anyone else, but it felt wrong to let myself get so lazy. I stood face to face with him. ¡°Yeah¡­ just the one¡­¡­¡­.. I want to make sure The Dog stays,¡± I said. Robert¡¯s head tiled, as if he was trying to diagnose what was wrong with me. ¡°I¡­ thought I would be on a much more even playing field than I currently am,¡± I added. ¡°Enough that you didn¡¯t think to make a request, instead of a demand?¡± Robert would likely be quite good at writing this journal. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I¡¯ll help you¡­ but only because I want to help Elizabeth,¡± I said to him. ¡°If doing this makes the home she grows up in a better place¡­ I¡¯ll do whatever you people want.¡± He sneered, walking forward to stand directly in front of me. ¡°If we hadn¡¯t told you there were problems, would you have been willing to pull any kind of weight?¡± He said. ¡°What made you think we had anything to offer you?-¡° ¡°-Alright, I¡­ REALLY regret that word choice-I didn¡¯t even know what we were going to be talking about twenty minutes ago¡­ so I would actually like to make a trade. I¡¯ll trade you my soul¡­ for¡­ the dog staying-it¡¯s not like a¡­ physical trade-I should have said deal.¡± Robert stared at me coldly. ¡°Women say anything for attention,¡± Tecca whispered as Carolette laughed into her hand. Robert shot him a horrible glare until they both went silent, then returned his eyes to mine. His voice shrunk to a whisper between us. ¡°¡­..whether it was your goal or not¡­. I can¡¯t put thanks into words, so I won¡¯t say it. Just know that it isn¡¯t lost on me.¡± Nothing had changed in his eyes, it was still an impenetrable stubbornness as far as could be seen, but that sentiment was real. It moved me in a way that I had often put a price to without ever feeling it before. A voluntary peek at the emotion of a man who does his best to imagine he has none, is something I had searched for to the ends of my smaller Earth. The man who put that desire in me had never shown it. ¡°That being said,¡± He continued. ¡°I¡¯ll be looking for any reason I can find to have you ejected. My mind will not change. I do not want you here.¡± I couldn¡¯t help but smile. ¡°Makes two of us¡­¡± I said softly. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Robert closed his eyes. ¡°Aye,¡± He said so audibly that it made me jump. ¡°Aye! Godspeed!¡± Otto said as I looked towards him and immediately wanted to look away. ¡°Aye-who fucking cares¡­¡± Said Vernon. ¡°Aye guess so,¡± Tecca said, as I heard Elijah gasp in the background. ¡°Yeah, aye,¡± Carolette said, trying extremely hard not to smile. Everyone was silent for a moment as I realized they were looking at Evelyn. I looked over to see her staring at me, warm as always. ¡°How soon do you think you¡¯ll die?¡± She asked me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°What?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°If you had to guess how soon you¡¯d be a dead body, what would you say?¡± I REALLY wish she hadn¡¯t been smiling when she asked that. ¡°I¡­.. would hope I don¡¯t have a good answer to that.¡± She nodded slowly. ¡°Aye,¡± She said so gently. She stared at me silently with that same fucking smile, her fingers moving insanely around the cube. It went on for so long, as I realized that what I¡¯d thought was warmth was something much different. ¡°Ahem,¡± Elijah coughed behind me. I happily turned around, maybe a little rudely. ¡°Just wanted to make sure you saw me-okay¡­ Aye-aye captain!¡± He said. ¡°Was mine as good as Tecca¡¯s,¡± He whispered in Carolette¡¯s direction. ¡°Aye¡­¡± Roman said warily as I looked at him. ¡°And¡­ the dog can stay¡­¡­¡± I accidentally smiled at him before swishing my lips around to try and make it look like my face had only twitched. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª We all slowly looked at her, one by one as she stared away sheepishly. I think she might have even been blushing. It was the first time I had truly noticed the current absence of her gun. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Aye.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I hadn¡¯t even noticed Elijah walking over to me as I stayed locked on her eyes. He placed his hands on my shoulders. ¡°That was genuinely¡­. way way WAY¡­ less awkward than I thought it was going to be.¡± I bashed the back of my head into his nose so hard that I immediately felt it shatter. Just kidding, but it would¡¯ve been fucking crazy if I did. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah held the door open for me, waving his hand cordially as I exited, and the other seven followed us into the courtyard. The sourceless light that eternally hung in the daytime air felt blinding to my eyes after being cooped up in that darkened building. ¡°So, what should I be doing about the spot that¡¯s-¡° Vernon began. ¡°-NOT,¡± Tecca yelped to interrupt him. ¡°¡­ not¡­ right now, Vernon. We¡¯ll talk about it later.¡± , I looked over to Roman as I heard Otto join their conversation and make me want to stop listening. Roman was guiding Evelyn gently by the hand, a long table leg cane in her other hand, as it was clear that she could walk, but didn¡¯t have much fun doing it. He smiled down to her sweetly. Even after my quick realization of my fear towards her, seeing the giant man that Roman was being so gentle and caring to her felt very¡­ innocent. ¡°Aren¡¯t they cute?¡± Elijah said, breezing past me towards Carolette, and Tecca, who had briskly escaped the Otto/Vernon club. The three of them immediately started smiling and gibbering like it was a normal day. Elijah would hear from me the first chance I had. I was glad the three of them had people like that to be happy around, but watching them gossip after I had just gotten conned into a contract I still didn¡¯t understand the outline of was really opening the box for me. I had to look away, as I saw Robert pacing away lonely, without having spoken to anyone after we concluded. His stance on me was steadfast. I believed that and¡­ sincerely hoped he did too. Something about his unwavering bias led me to believe that he was possibly the one and only reasonably responsible member of ¡°The Omen¡±. That is, besides¡­ I stopped listening to Elijah offering ¡°All Ayes on me¡± to Carollette behind me, as I turned and stared at The Girl walking silently away from all of us. My horrified fascination was newly alive. Elijah wasn¡¯t holding me anymore, as I slowly absconded from his side. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Jesus, am I in ninth grade? What the hell am I thinking? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Hey! Wait!¡± I called to her as I moved away from the group. She turned around and wrinkled her face. ¡°Dude, what do you want?¡± She said. I sprinted up to her, probably looking like a flailing fish with my arms still tied behind my back. ¡°Sorry, it¡¯s¡­. could I um¡­. I was just gonna ask what your name is.¡± She gave me a strange look. ¡°Oh yeah? You think I should tell you?¡± She suddenly seemed exceptionally difficult to talk to, and that¡¯s relatively speaking. ¡°Um¡­ well¡­. I saved a little girl¡¯s life¡­¡­¡± She stayed silent. ¡°¡­¡­. and um¡­. I told you my name,¡± I added. ¡°That wasn¡¯t exactly on your own accord¡­¡± Neither was saving the little girl¡¯s life. ¡°I mean yeah¡­. But I don¡¯t think I can get yours out of you the same way so¡­ I was just kinda hoping you would throw me a bone here if we¡¯re gonna be living¡­¡­. in somewhat close proximity¡­..¡± I quickly realized after saying that, that I had no idea if it was true. She looked extremely unhappy. ¡°¡­¡­. Or¡­. whatever you wanna do¡­¡­.¡± Yet, her face slowly shifted, with a gradient of inquisition that was just about the sexiest thing I¡¯d possibly ever seen in my life. Standing alone in front of her, hands behind my back, vulnerable and distant from the rest of the miscellany¡­ alone with her whispering eyes. I grew so tired of being guarded. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°¡­¡­¡­. It¡¯s Natalie.¡± She turned around and walked away before I could get another word in. I felt like I was on fire. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Natalie. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah coughed behind me. ¡°Very smooth.¡± ¡°Shut up, please¡­.¡± I mumbled absently. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Natalie. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You done daydreaming? Let''s go.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Natalie. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Cody!¡± ¡°Huh? Yeah, I said yeah!¡± I yelled, turning around. ¡°No you fucking didn¡¯t.¡± He walked past me, waving his hand to follow. ¡°You¡¯re not gonna¡­ walk behind me?¡± ¡°Were you a part of that meeting in any way, bro?¡± He said without turning around. ¡°If you wanna get trusted with freedom you have to be given some type of freedom. Let¡¯s start with trusting you to follow behind me for two goddamn minutes with your wrists still roped up.¡± I began following, but was only doing it to get us both out earshot of everyone else. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°So, what the fuck are we doing here?¡± I said. ¡°You and me?¡­. You, more accurately?¡± ¡°Me? Well, I¡¯m gonna put you back in your cage, and then probably go get you some lunch.¡± Was I allowed to ¡°confront¡± him, or did I have to be on my best behavior for the next five days? Does that mean just shutting my mouth about what is obviously wrong with him? ¡°Okay¡­ do I need to play chess in my mind about whether I think lunch actually means lunch, or a bottle of cleaning products?¡± He stopped and swiftly turned around. ¡°Go ahead, Cody, say it¡± He said with no smile, but sounding like he was smiling wide. ¡°Let¡¯s get over this hump.¡± ¡°Can we get over it? This seems like something I¡¯ll be doing with you every week. I was kind of hoping that you would go ahead. You got anything you want to apologize for?¡± He stared at me as his actual smile spread. As if I had any idea what a real smile was from him anymore. ¡°You wanna talk about playing chess?¡± He said. ¡°Have you ever played Go? That¡¯s what getting through to you is like. Trying to incept a thought into your brain, trying to turn you on to an idea, trying to get you to even consider the reason in anything, is the most pills-in-the-applesauce level tango I¡¯ve ever had to do. You want me to apologize for something I shouldn¡¯t have had to tell you? If I¡¯m trying to sugarcoat something to a diabetic degree, it¡¯s probably because I¡¯m scared of you killing yourself, more than I am of you killing me¡­.. I was a little focused on keeping you of sound and level mind, more than I was on telling you what we want you to do everyday for the rest of your life.¡± The same way that all of you must have been so focused on your sob story that no one had ever said anything about the ¡°rest of my life¡±. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°So Tecca is part of an HR department?¡± I said. ¡°You guys must really need that when people like you and Natalie exist, huh?¡± I walked past him, already knowing the rest of the three turns back to the cell. I heard him giggle slightly, followed by his footsteps trailing after mine. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah let me into the room, but grabbed my arm before I could walk to the table. I didn¡¯t speak as he untied my wrists. My hands came free as I rubbed my arms. ¡°You should walk around a little before lunch,¡± He said. ¡°Get some exercise.¡± I walked away from him. ¡°I¡¯m not very hungry right now¡­ I just want water.¡± He stayed silent for a while. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Robert¡¯s not a very good whisperer, ya know?¡± He said as I refused to turn around. ¡°¡­. And?¡± He swayed back and forth. ¡°I think I should tell you that the vote to cast you out was originally unanimous amongst that same group.¡± I turned just enough to side-eye him. ¡°If that¡¯s the kind of ¡®truth¡¯ you¡¯re looking for out of me¡­¡± He added. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª He closed the door, slamming the lock behind him and leaving me standing alone in the cell. I stood motionless for about twelve minutes before beginning to pace around. It took about ten seconds for me to start hacking. I stumbled to lean on the wall as I rode out the storm. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I came out on the other side deeply breathing, without coughing up any blood. Still standing. Still awake. Still alive. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Alright, back to walking. (Part eight coming soon!) Part Eight 1/2 ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ªPART EIGHT¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°How¡¯s jumping to conclusions going for you so far?¡± I¡¯m tracing my finger around the circumference of the combination lock. ¡°My twice-validated opinion isn¡¯t ¡®jumping to conclusions¡¯,¡± I replied to her. She never makes eye contact. She¡¯s said eighty-four words to me in total, but not a single one has been uttered whilst looking me in the eyes. It¡¯s hard to tell if she even knows who she¡¯s speaking to. It¡¯s hard to tell if she cares who she¡¯s speaking to. ¡°And that validation is from¡­ someone reliable?¡± She says. ¡°Not the confirmation bias you¡¯ve been dwelling on for the past week?¡± She¡¯s beautiful in a semi-obvious way. It¡¯s just so blatantly obvious that her face should exist. It¡¯s the same face that¡¯s routinely assigned to any fake woman in my head when I¡¯m daydreaming. Her flawless confidence looks easy. Not intricate, just essential. For God to have waited until my small little span of time in the universe to make her¡­ it¡¯s so baffling. ¡°I didn¡¯t make anything up. His punk-ass excuse for a ¡®boyfriend¡¯ did.¡± ¡°Ah, I should have realized it¡¯s a homophobic thing. You look like someone who¡¯s openly intolerant.¡± How would you know? You¡¯ve never looked at me. ¡°He¡¯s my best friend, I¡¯m not homophobic. I¡¯m allowed to be mad at a gay person like anyone else. Being close doesn¡¯t mean he can use me for someone else¡¯s attention.¡± ¡°Thucydides would have hated you.¡± ¡°Sorry, does that mean you¡¯re agreeing with him?¡± She finally looks at me. ¡°It means I¡¯m flirting with you¡­ probably the same thing Chandler is doing, but you¡¯re being too insecure to take it as a compliment.¡± I¡¯d been unfamiliar with a perfect distance of toe and line. I felt like I had been hard-wired to be very angry with her just because of what she was, but I wasn¡¯t angry. I was too busy being sedated by her pristinely elegant dignity. ¡°GET IN THE VIEW OF THE FUCKING WINDOW!¡± She screamed at me through the closed door. Cody Camargo: Twenty-Eight days in. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The door to the cell briskly opened, as I stood against the back wall with my arms spread out. Elijah walked in, throwing me a water bottle as I swatted my arms in to catch it. ¡°Big day big day big dayeeeee!¡± Elijah chanted. ¡°How you feel?!¡± I drank half the bottle before answering him. ¡°Ready to piss myself,¡± I said. ¡°Ugh, that¡¯s all you ever think about, isn¡¯t it? What an empty life it must be.¡± He patted himself on the back as Natalie walked in behind him, already looking annoyed with me. ¡°Morning,¡± I said to her emptily before finishing my water. ¡°Did you get any sleep?¡± She snapped. ¡°Unfriendly reminder that if you collapse out there, we are not coming to find you.¡± I got maybe¡­ two hours? Even with my new freedom of sleeping in whatever position I wanted, I was consistently getting the worst sleep of my life every night. Pandora¡¯s Box had been opened, and my nightmares were constantly running rampant the second I closed my eyes. I can¡¯t be granted the power to sleep outside the point of total exhaustion. ¡°Well rested. Don¡¯t you see how chipper I am?¡± I threw back at her. I had actually given up trying to sleep about three hours earlier this morning, and started pacing around the room in the dark until the lights came on outside. Walking around this cell in circles might sound like a gourmet recipe for losing your noodle, but after growing accustomed to being so cramped up in that chair 24/7, it kind of feels like I¡¯ve learned how to move in the fourth dimension. Walking is my new best friend. Our relationship has been through a lot of ups and downs, but I¡¯m pretty happy about where we¡¯re at these days. ¡°Hey,¡± Elijah said as he clapped his hands. ¡°In honor of this momentous occasion¡­ maybe Cody could, I don¡¯t know, go piss on his own like a normal human?¡± He batted his eyes at Natalie, sprinkling his fingers through the air. ¡°Sure,¡± She started. ¡°Then we can start a petition for zoo animals to leave their enclosures and use the human bathroom to relieve themselves.¡± ¡°Alright well, a yes is a yes,¡± He replied before turning to me. ¡°You wanna go for a walk?! Outside?! Outside?!¡± He patted his thighs with both hands. Today was the fifth day of my five-day promise to Elijah. Over the past four of those days, it was made unmistakably clear between the two of us that I was not very fond of him. I had almost completely given up the effort to suppress my passive-aggression, as he had completely embraced his effortless ability to make me remarkably apoplectic. ¡°Maybe,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m pretty okay with the dresser-drawer routine for now.¡± His eye twitched. Despite our annoyance with each other, we had built up enough familiarity by the third day to address my elephant in the room. The dresser drawer that day had been occupied by a solid, not a liquid. I internally shivered along with him. ¡°Godda-¡­¡± Natalie said. ¡°Just¡­ take him to the bathroom, please.¡± Elijah smiled. ¡°PRIMO! Alright, follow me,¡± He said. ¡°I only respond to ¡®Here, Boy¡¯.¡± He sent an L¡¯Ombrello my way and slipped out of the door. I began to follow him, before her leg blocked the doorway, stretching up in front of my waist. Please don¡¯t do things like that when I have to piss¡­ I sighed. ¡°Yes?¡± I said, in the most irritated whine I could muster. ¡°If you¡¯re really up for it,¡± She began. ¡°Feel free to just croak out there where no one can stop you.¡± Gi-goddamn-normous talk from the person who couldn¡¯t pull the trigger. ¡°You say a lot of things that make me want to lose more teeth.¡± Her brow furrowed violently, as she gracefully retracted her leg. I hurried past, a little scared of the front of my body facing hers in the next ten seconds. ¡°Elijah,¡± She called from behind me. ¡°Meet me back with him at the pantry the second you¡¯re done.¡± ¡°Relax,¡± He said, spinning around to walk backwards. ¡°It¡¯s not like I¡¯m taking him to Disney World.¡± ¡°Elijah!¡± ¡°Yes, Ma¡¯am. I will,¡± He whined, facing forward again. I quickened my pace to stick close. ¡°Hey,¡± He said. ¡°Is irritating me really worth pissing in a cabinet-receptacle?¡± ¡°Yes, Sir,¡± I answered militaristically. ¡°Can we walk a little slower?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°What are the chances?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± He said, as we approached the bathrooms. ¡°What are the chances of a Caf¨¦ and bathroom being right next to each other?¡± ¡°Teeny-friggin-weeny. The bathrooms are part of the actual Return and Exchange counter. They¡¯re employees-only.¡± We came up to a somewhat large structure, with a black star embroidered on the front above its entrance. It looked like a giant blue drywall chimney was protruding from the heart of the building. It stretched to what I would say was about half the height of the walls that surround R&E, before stopping abruptly in the awkward middle of the air. I faced back down, as Elijah held open a horribly color-clashing door for me. I entered the building¡¯s lobby to see a long curved desk about thirty feet back. The left side wall had ten chairs pushed up against it, three of which were occupied by three women chattering to each other. They went quiet and stared at me rudely as I entered the room. I froze, for only a moment, meeting eye contact with them. When I was so used to Natalie¡¯s invasive gaze, the stare/glare of anyone else seemed comparably meaningless. Still, I looked away as their conversation continued, a little quieter now. I began to walk before stopping again, as I looked down to the material changing beneath my feet. Instead of the random carpets that cloaked most of this building¡¯s floor, I was now standing on a plastic blue square that read ¡°Returns & Exchanges¡±. I turned back to Elijah. ¡°Is this¡­ it?¡± ¡°I know I know, everyone says we should make a museum for it or something. I see it as a Hollywood star, but I get why other people see it in a little bit more of a disrespectful light.¡± ¡°Yeah, I do too¡­ and you got the name wrong.¡± He rubbed his neck. ¡°What were they supposed to do?¡± He said, ¡°Build two communities to keep the name plural?¡± ¡°Colorado Springs is plural.¡± ¡°Yeah, because they have springs, like¡­ multiple springs, dude. I didn¡¯t name the place-I wasn¡¯t even born yet when it was made.¡± ¡°Did you have any meaningful civic role in the world before coming here? ¡®It¡¯s before my time, so it¡¯s not my concern¡¯ is not a very healthy mindset.¡± ¡°Will you go take a piss please?¡± I smiled to myself as I walked away in the direction his hand waved. I strolled down past the right side of the desk to a walkway, suddenly constructed of that same blue drywall. They must have built this building around what was already standing, as there was a small, uncomfortable gap in the wall between where the random mess of materials ended, and the IKEA structure wall began. I heard a door click open as I faced back forward. I saw the door swing widely, as the boy I¡¯d recognized from his uncomfortably large eyes shot out of the room. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, dude!¡± He said to someone. ¡°It was just-¡­ oh¡­ hi.¡± I think he might have just seen a body, and assumed I was somebody else. ¡°Hi,¡± I awkwardly replied. ¡°Is that¡­ the bathroom?¡± I motioned to the door he had just exited. ¡°Yeah, um¡­ sorry if it-¡­ sorry.¡± I winced a little. ¡°Hey, you¡¯re¡­ that new guy, aren¡¯t you?¡± He asked. This was currently the furthest I¡¯d been forced into meeting someone new on my own. It immediately made me nauseous to picture how many times I might have to answer that same question. ¡°What are you talking about? I¡¯ve been here for months, man.¡± He began to nervously shiver. ¡°What, really?¡± He said. ¡°I didn¡¯t even¡­ uh¡­ I¡¯m sorry, I just have staring problems, so I get in my head and mix up people¡¯s faces. I¡¯m sorry if we¡¯ve talked before I just-¡° ¡°-Hey¡­ I was like¡­ totally joking.¡± He STARED at me for what would have probably been forty-five minutes if I hadn¡¯t side-stepped around him after ten silent seconds. ¡°Sorry, dude,¡± I said sincerely as I passed. ¡°Oh,¡± He said behind me. ¡°It¡¯s cool¡­ but that was kinda¡­ really really really embarrassing for me.¡± I opened the bathroom door, considering just walking in and leaving him paddling. ¡°I can tell. I¡¯m gonna¡­ go to the bathroom now but¡­¡­. try to ummm,¡± I began. ¡°Try to stay strong about it.¡± I closed the door behind me, immediately cringing at myself. That was such a painfully Elijah thing to say. The boy had left the light on. The space was quite small, just a size up from an airplane bathroom. My wingspan would have exceeded its width. It seemed much cleaner than what I¡¯d anticipated. There was a small sill next to the door with a stack of papers on it. Above the stack was an IKEA bathroom cleaning log (the same log that made up the pile of papers), thumbtacked to the wall. The column for ¡°time-of-day¡± had been crossed out and replaced with full weekdays. The next column was filled with signed initials, crossed out down to the tenth row. The eleventh row was a Wednesday. CWM Is it a Wednesday today? There was a small post-it note plastered to the bottom right of the page. Is this bathroom clean? If not, please tell Connor so that he can use the body of whoever¡¯s turn it was as a mop. I involuntarily exhaled slightly, before forcing my face straight. Nothing here is allowed to be funny. I locked the door, and submitted to looking at myself in the cracked mirror. They can¡¯t just go get a new one? Why would anything ever be broken here? I let the image of my face rest symmetrically on a slanted fault-line. I THINK¡­ my condition has improved enough to reach escape velocity from its previous stratum. I would, arguably, no longer prefer to be dead. That¡¯s a complicated declaration to confidently claim, but I feel its authenticity rearing its head. I¡¯ve recently adopted a guilty shame about the responsibility of this body. The world I¡¯m living in is one that does not like the human body, but I still feel disappointed in myself for the hell that mine has been through. Honest to someone¡¯s God¡­ I¡¯m scared about today. I¡¯m scared of doing more damage to the body that¡¯s fought through so much to keep me pumping. It doesn¡¯t deserve any more of my stupidity and horrible decision making. It¡¯s been so strong to protect the brain that keeps flippantly putting it in such perilous danger. The idea of trying to motivate myself in the mirror feels manipulative. When did I decide to let myself agree to this? Does anyone remember? I had come to this depressing conclusion already, hadn¡¯t I? I once knew that forcing myself to continue was a horribly cruel idea, but I¡¯ve moved backwards somehow. I continued staring for a while before my body reminded me of the reason I was in this room. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I pissed out the entire Baltic Sea and closed my eyes. I could ignore it for now, but I knew that I was still incredibly tired. My energy was a barely flickering match in a pitch black aircraft hangar. I took a deep breath before fully absorbing the aroma that the boy had left in the room. I stifled my breath a little too fast and let out a slight cough. A slight cough was enough to fill the air of the hangar with petrol vapor. The fit began as I placed my hand on the sill, prepared for a horrible episode. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Twenty-eight hacks in total. Coincidence¡­ I breathed deep, ignoring the smell for the sake of my lungs. I had lived in a hole with a stench that made this room smell like roses. I zipped up my pants, standing up straight and composing myself. BANG BANG BANG I almost gasped into another fit as the door erupted in a pounding behind me. A voice screamed at me through it. ¡°SLIPS! I SWEAR TO GOD IT¡¯S EVERYDAY WITH YOU NOW-I¡¯LL START PISSING ON YOUR WELCOME MAT IF YOU CAN¡¯T START TELLING TIME!¡± I, sadly, remembered exactly whose voice that was. I spun around and practically sprinted over to the door, swinging it open and stepping out face to face with him. Sean stared at me as his face slowly crumpled into a snarl. ¡°You are definitely not who I thought was in there¡­¡± I wondered how much R&E social credit I needed to afford saying whatever I wanted to him. ¡°Should¡¯ve known when I saw your caretaker in the lobby-¡° ¡°-Do you need something?¡± I asked rudely. ¡°Is that a rhetorical question?¡± He returned. ¡°Please leave before a conversation starts between us.¡± Who the hell foreshadows a threat? That¡¯s what the threat itself is for. ¡°It doesn¡¯t look like you¡¯re standing in a puddle,¡± I said. ¡°You could have tried knocking softly. I didn¡¯t even hear you jiggle the doorknob before you started screaming.¡± Face of pure perplexity: Minus ten points. ¡°It¡¯s my time slot, that means it¡¯s my fucking bathroom,¡± He said. ¡°You¡¯re standing in my bathroom right now. Leave.¡± Time slots? 129 people, I guess that makes sense with only one set of bathrooms. Maybe the dresser drawer is genuinely a preferable option. Still though¡­ ¡°I was going to leave anyway. You don¡¯t need to be an impatient asshole.¡± Sean stepped the only step closer he possibly could have without our noses touching. I didn¡¯t move, but his voice changed my confidence¡¯s tune a little. ¡°Let me ask you something,¡± He said. ¡°Is this your thing? Am I going to have to prepare for this every time I see you? I just want to say right here and now, that shit¡¯s gonna get old.¡± Sean is 6¡¯2¡± if I had to guess. Considerably less muscular than Roman, but everyone is. Sean is still built. ¡°If we¡¯re going to have an issue together, let¡¯s get it taken care of ahead of time,¡± He continued as I stood silent. ¡°Because your self-defense is such goddamn overkill.¡± If I had a nickel for every time someone used that term¡­ But do I have a thing? I personally think it saves a lot of future effort to just remind a person how I feel about them every time we speak. ¡°I would never feel the need to defend myself around you,¡± I hissed. ¡°YO!¡± I turned up the hallway to see Elijah looking towards us. ¡°On a schedule, am I right?!¡± He demanded to me. Goddammit, I¡¯m kind of in the middle of something here. Now I¡¯m gonna have to walk away silently after he says some snide bullshit. Something like- Sean shoved me out of the way, stealing the doorknob from my palm. ¡°Just go blow off some steam, braveheart,¡± He said, closing the door behind him. I blew my hair over my forehead and choked down the last word I didn¡¯t get in. I walked over to Elijah. ¡°I didn¡¯t ask you to rescue me,¡± I huffed. ¡°Rescue you? You two could fall over each other for hours,¡± He said. ¡°I just didn¡¯t want you getting distracted.¡± Elijah was in spitting distance. ¡°I¡¯m sure she¡¯s already mad,¡± He continued. ¡°I¡¯m sort of tired of the complaint filing that revolves around your being.¡± Don¡¯t ask your mom to get a dog if you can¡¯t take care of it. ¡°You¡¯re the one that brought me here,¡± I said. ¡°Could¡¯ve pissed in the cell just fine.¡± We began moving back to the entrance. ¡°Jesus, who used that word around you? Natalie? It¡¯s not a cell, dude.¡± He opened the door and walked out on his own without waiting for me like he usually does with doorways. ¡°I came up with the word myself,¡± I said as I walked outside. ¡°Sorry if you¡¯re a big fan of that room.¡± He began walking in a direction I wasn¡¯t familiar with as I moved to his side. ¡°You know,¡± He began. ¡°Prison is supposed to be an educational reform to bring someone back into society better than they were before...¡± I actually got goosebumps from how pretentious that statement was. ¡°Have you ever heard of the word ¡®Kalopsia¡¯?¡± I asked. He turned to me. ¡°Can you walk behind me, not alongside me?¡± I stared at him blankly for a moment, before slowing my pace. We stayed silent with each other for a moment as we walked. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Do you guys really know what day it is?¡± I asked. ¡°Do you?¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t asking to test you¡­¡± He ticked his tongue a few times. ¡°We have someone who says they do,¡± He said. ¡°We go by that.¡± ¡°¡­ just¡­ one guy? Out of 129 people?¡± ¡°130, and it¡¯s a girl.¡± ¡°Please stop responding to my questions like that. I¡¯m just gonna keep asking the question a second time.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°She decided what day it is,¡± He said. ¡°How are we supposed to know if time is even moving parallel in here?¡± ¡°How does that affect someone who shows up with their own differing opinion of what day it is?¡± He sighed. ¡°You should be an expert about where newcomer comfort lands on our priority list,¡± He said. ¡°They can adjust. Time is time.¡± That reminds me¡­ ¡°How do the time slots work?¡± I said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Let¡¯s talk about this later, okay?¡± He said. ¡°I want you to focus on the run.¡± ¡°Okay¡­ because you don¡¯t wanna talk about how you definitely know the time of Sean¡¯s slot by heart, right?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°In his defense, you were really taking your time,¡± Elijah said. ¡°And you¡¯re suddenly interested in his defense? Didn¡¯t realize you two were such good friends,¡± I said somewhat mischievously. ¡°Guess you warmed up to him a lot while I was locked up, huh?¡± He scoffed. ¡°Anything is better than your moping.¡± I let my lip curl a little, retracting my check. Empty life/empty bladder. ¡°By the way,¡± I said. ¡°That kid¡¯s government name isn¡¯t actually ¡®Slips¡¯, is it?¡± Elijah looked back to me, smirking a little. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t recommend telling him any deep dark secrets. Let¡¯s just say he didn¡¯t look like you after his entrance interview.¡± I will let Elijah be funny ONCE a day. ¡°Also,¡± He continued. ¡°He is one slippery little bastard. He¡¯s been circumscribed by fourteen staff at a time and escaped untouched.¡± ¡°He¡¯s been WHAT by fourteen staff?!¡± He glared at me as I smiled. I was allowed to be funny as many times as I wanted. He turned back forward with a cold shoulder. ¡°I¡¯m putting you on an exposition time-out,¡± He said. ¡°You can have whatever info you want when you learn to be mature.¡± Keep throwing alley-oops¡­ ¡°Maybe if you followed Margo¡¯s advice of not using words you learned two minutes ago¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°The Pantry¡± was, in my novice architectural opinion, a quite unnecessary building. Just like Elijah said, there was an entire Caf¨¦ placed in the impossible sweet-spot proximity to the Returns & Exchanges counter. The perfect weather condition to support life in a lifeless plane. Still, this ¡°building¡± seemed a strange allocation of resources just to put a ceiling and walls around a point of interest that didn¡¯t really need them. The large space didn¡¯t feel like it went very far, as a claustrophobic blanket of random materials had been placed haphazardly over its area. It was fine, but I hope this community is aware of the fact that they didn¡¯t build the Caf¨¦ just because they drew a box around it. The entrance came out to the dining area as Elijah guided me in. The two of us walked by a table with a thirty-something-man in a plaid T-shirt (not a short sleeve button-up, a plaid T-shirt. Who even makes those?). He was reading a book titled ¡°Calypso¡±. ¡°Still working on that, yoop?¡± Elijah said to him. ¡°You suddenly a sage example of speed-reading?¡± The man mumbled without looking up. ¡°That¡¯s a little passive-aggressive¡­¡± Elijah replied as we passed. The serving line was longer than the other caf¨¦s I had seen so far, as it kind of freakishly curled around and in on itself to the left side. The Great Destroyer was leaning against the queue counter by its opening. ¡°Where¡¯d all the time go?¡± She said snarlingly. ¡°Do you know what day of the week it is?¡± I said to her. Natalie looked at Elijah with a raised eyebrow. ¡°Explain the question I just got asked,¡± She said to him. ¡°Or you could just ignore him,¡± He said to her. ¡°I know that¡¯s not something fun for you to do, but I think it¡¯s the sage option.¡± Real person, by the way. Natalie had just a moment of looking flustered before she pushed off the counter and stood up her-version-of-straight. ¡°Let¡¯s make this quicker than everyone expects us to make it,¡± She said. She confidently walked around the Dr. Seuss curve of the left side of the queue, as Elijah followed, swishing his head to beckon me along. The three of us walked behind the counter, and through a gap of fridges to a back-room kitchen area. I was swept up by sensory overload the moment I entered. It smelled like a whirlwind of lemon and eucalyptus. Typical as it was on inspection, the lighting of the room felt so loud. Wrapped in a porcelain majesty, every appliance seemed to be as clean as if it had only just been materialized into thin air. Every marble counter was flooded with every as-seen-on-TV-esque utensil and device you could probably ever find. They couldn¡¯t have all been from Earth. It was ginormous and¡­ so clean. Back in my semi-clean three-bedroom, I avoided any x-second-rule for the principle of not feeling like a dog. I¡¯d get right next to Kanata to eat off the floor of this kitchen. Rachael Ray would have stars in her eyes. Natalie did not have stars in her eyes. ¡°Where the hell is Margo?¡± She said to Elijah. Elijah looked around lazily for a couple seconds before looking back to her. ¡°I¡¯m not sure, I can ask her though,¡± He said. ¡°I just have to go find her first.¡± Natalie had her hand around his arm by the time he was turned, pulling him back as he smiled. ¡°Seems a little irresponsible for you to not know your ¡®buddy¡¯s¡¯ whereabouts,¡± I said. Elijah¡¯s smile disappeared instantly as he shot me a wide eyed threat. He sent me a ¡°stop talking¡± swipe of his hand under his chin before Natalie crushed his dreams. ¡°Oh, Cody, thanks for reminding me,¡± She said. ¡°Elijah¡­¡± She thrust Elijah towards me as we stumbled over each other, both grabbing to the counter to keep from toppling. ¡°Meet your new partner,¡± She added as we recovered. ¡°Surprise.¡± Elijah¡¯s eyes went about as wide as Slips¡¯ could. He turned around to her, standing up again. ¡°Wait, what?¡± He said. ¡°It¡¯s just a title, dude,¡± She said, crossing her arms. ¡°You¡¯re already spending more time with him than most people spend with theirs. Why not make it official?¡± ¡°Margo is already Elijah¡¯s buddy,¡± I interrupted sarcastically. She looked past a dumbfounded Elijah to squint at me. ¡°Did I ask you, Regis?¡± She spat. ¡°Not anymore she¡¯s not.¡± Elijah¡¯s jaw wavered up and down as he seemed to be having trouble forming a sentence. ¡°Well¡­ what about her? What¡¯s she supposed to do?¡± He asked. The tone of Elijah¡¯s voice made me realize that we weren¡¯t just sarcastically joking with each other. ¡°Well, I¡¯m not changing my position,¡± She said to him. ¡°There¡¯s not many other people around here that don¡¯t currently have a partner¡­¡± Elijah¡¯s disbelief immediately turned to anger. ¡°No. Absolutely fucking not,¡± He growled. ¡°Excuse me?¡± She snapped sharply. Elijah was curling his fist. This ¡°hidden¡± side of him wasn¡¯t much of a surprise to me anymore, but I still hadn¡¯t seen it in a good number of days. I grew anxious as I saw it slipping into his face. ¡°There¡¯s gotta be an alternative,¡± He said, a little more level. ¡°There¡¯s just no reason for the two of them to have to be shoved together-¡° ¡°-no reason? Is that a joke-Elijah, neither of them are a concern at the moment. This is about Cody,¡± She replied. ¡°Right? I¡¯m trying to do my best to professionally swallow this pill you¡¯re force-feeding me. If you want me to meet you halfway, you¡¯ve gotta be halfway-¡° ¡°-Yeah but that¡¯s not me, that¡¯s Margo. I don¡¯t want her to have to be with him-¡° ¡°-Oh Elijah-for what?! You scared she¡¯s gonna fuck him?!¡± I genuinely felt like I had just been stabbed. I was so immediately horrified by the energy-shift between the two of them that I wanted to dash out of the room. It¡¯s strange. With each of them separated on their own, neither felt threatening to me anymore. Not really. You kind of get used to their brand of intimidation and manipulation by the second or third round, but when they¡¯re together¡­ Natalie had begun smiling sadistically. It was unbelievably threatening. ¡°Say that again,¡± Elijah said. ¡°A little louder this time?¡± She said venomously. ¡°Hey¡­¡± I said warily. I hadn¡¯t even meant to, it was a totally reflexive exclamation. They both turned back to me with faces that made me sea-sick, before my body was thrown gracefully ashore with the sound of footsteps. We all turned as a tan boy with long, curly-black hair walked into the kitchen. He stopped and looked around at the three of us nervously. ¡°Alright,¡± He said. ¡°Before you do anything crazy, ask yourselves if you really know what beef is¡­¡± Elijah stayed on guard, but Natalie sighed, and visually shook herself out of the tension. ¡°Nikko,¡± She said. ¡°Why were neither of you in here?¡± ¡°What?¡± The boy, Nikko, replied. ¡°Margo¡®s here.¡± ¡°Oh yeah?¡± Natalie said. ¡°Is she hiding in the icebox? I didn¡¯t remember to look for her in there.¡± He looked confused. ¡°Well Allen is here, also I-¡­ wait are you messin¡¯ with me or have you actually not checked in there yet?¡± Natalie rubbed her face in both hands as she spoke through her circling palms. ¡°Nikko, you can¡¯t leave this kitchen unattended,¡± She said as her hands slipped from her face. ¡°Twice in one month is far too frequent of a happening. It¡¯s a bad look for The Pantry and, to me, a pretty bad reflection of your faculty for responsibility. I¡¯m perfectly fine moving you somewhere else.¡± She blew a bang away from her eye as I lost interest in the stranger completely. I really liked it when she got more articulate. It felt so surprisingly intrinsic from her tongue. ¡°But since you¡¯re here,¡± She continued to him. ¡°You can explain to Cody what we need.¡± I kind of flinched, jumping out of my shallow daze as she waved her hand to me again. Nikko looked over to me. ¡°Right,¡± He said begrudgingly. ¡°Not like I was doing anything¡­¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± She said. ¡°I know you weren¡¯t, because you better have not been breezing in here for what I think you were at 10:17 AM.¡± I saw his face flush a little at whatever that statement implied. ¡°Maybe if it was your morning, I would¡¯ve thought you were just popping in and out like a tardy asshole,¡± She said. ¡°I was¡­ just coming in here to tell Margo something-¡° ¡°-Like fucking what?!¡± Elijah yelled. ¡°ELIJAH!¡± Natalie stomped. ¡°What is wrong with you?! Stop!¡± Elijah sunk into silence as he leaned against the counter. Natalie slowly turned away from him back to Nikko. ¡°Train, please,¡± She said to Nikko. A typical interaction between me and Natalie was usually quite vitriolic, so I tended to look at her as an all around vitriolic person. The more time I¡¯ve spent here though, the more I¡¯ve seen her trying to talk herself down from aggravated edges. That¡¯s not to say she was good at it, just that she tried. Nikko sighed as he walked towards me. ¡°Help me out with something, will ya?¡± He said as he passed me. I looked towards Natalie for approval. ¡°Today, asshole,¡± She said. Heard, Chef. ¡°Uh, sure,¡± I said to Nikko, as I followed him around a counter and to the back of the kitchen. He led me to a large closet with giant shuttered doors. He jiggled the fold aggressively until I heard the door snap back onto its track and slide open. He walked into a dark room, turning to his left and smacking a switch. It illuminated a room full of fridges¡­ like, genuinely full of fridges. ¡°Alright,¡± He sighed. ¡°Be honest, you want me to go get Roman?¡± I croaked a little, keeping down a sudden urge to cough. ¡°I¡­ don¡¯t even know what you¡¯re doing,¡± I replied. ¡°WE¡­ are gonna move these fridges out of the way. Come get this side.¡± He walked up to a smudged, dented fridge that had long since lost the shine of the appliances in the other room. I stared at him blankly. He looked back to me after I had been silent for a moment. He groaned and walked back towards me. ¡°Sorry, dude. I know she said it but¡­ I¡¯m Nikko.¡± He put his fist out as I looked at it nervously. ¡°Don¡¯t be a bitch,¡± He added. ¡°It¡¯s nice to meet you.¡± I looked back up to his eyes as I fist-bumped him weakly. ¡°Cody.¡± He nodded. ¡°What made you wanna do this stupid shit?¡± I shrugged. ¡°I didn¡¯t totally volunteer¡­¡± ¡°Mmmm,¡± He nodded. ¡°Community service?¡± ¡°Uhh I¡¯d say closer to drafting from death row.¡± He rolled his eyes and walked back towards the same fridge. ¡°That sounds the slightest bit dramatic to me,¡± He said. BANG We both turned as we heard something metal being slammed, or punched, in the kitchen. ¡°GODDAMMIT LISTEN!¡± I heard Elijah scream. I turned to run out of the closet. ¡°Ah beh beh beh beh,¡± Nikko called. ¡°Highly recommend whatever is the antonym of you trying to get in the middle of that.¡± I vacillated in place for a moment, feeling desperate to do something. ¡°Doubt that anything you say is gonna simmer down either of them,¡± He added. ¡°You could try it out on me if you want. I¡¯ll give you my opinion on what its level of effectiveness would be.¡± I moved away from the door a little, back towards him. ¡°I¡¯m¡­ not feeling very clever right now anyway.¡± He smiled. ¡°Good, I¡¯d much rather you feel motivated to grab the other end of this fridge.¡± I walked over to it awkwardly. ¡°Are they¡­ both always like this?¡± I asked as I stood across from him. ¡°Like, eternally?¡± ¡°Um, with each other? Basically. Only one of them is consistently like that in separation though. I bet it¡¯s not the one you¡¯d think, either.¡± I winced slightly. ¡°Actually, I uh¡­ I think I know,¡± I said. He popped his eyebrows up and down to tell me that I was right. ¡°Let¡¯s just trade off. Pull towards the door,¡± He said. I nodded and got a good grip on the cold front and back of the fridge, my right hand latching in the grooves of the back vent. He groaned and took a noisy scraping pull on his side. I steadied myself, and tried to pretend I hadn¡¯t just realized this was a bad idea for me. I sunk the effort into my left side, and held my breath until my half of the fridge had mostly reached the same distance as his. I let out two slight coughs into my arm and breathed slow and deep. Nikko gave me a strange look. ¡°Roman?¡± He asked. I waved my hand. ¡°Fuck Roman,¡± I declined. Nikko smiled a little, before it turned into a grimace with him moving his other half. ¡°Why does he get like that anyway?¡± I said. ¡°Roman?¡± ¡°Elijah,¡± I corrected, as I squared my body for the second pull. ¡°Ask Margo that question,¡± He said. ¡°Not me.¡± I strained through, taking light puffs instead of holding through the tear. ¡°Okkkaaayyy,¡± I said, almost suffocating myself with that extended word. ¡°Thought the guy that told me not to be a bitch would be more open to conversation-¡° ¡°-I¡¯m not being rude. I¡¯ll answer anything else you wanna ask¡­ something else. Not anything.¡± He walked away from the fridge, smacking his hand on the side of another to call me to his aid. ¡°Can we start with why you guys have a room full of fridges?¡± I said. I took my previous form again on the second fridge. ¡°They uhhh¡­ kinda just keep showing up,¡± He said. He grunted and pulled from his side. ¡°Showing up? From where?¡± ¡°What kinda question is that dude? You gettin¡¯ logistical about anything that happens in this place?¡± ¡°Nononono, I mean like¡­ when you say ¡®showing up¡¯, I don¡¯t think you mean that they¡¯re being hand delivered, right? You said they keep showing up here. I just thought that this room was like this when you guys got here.¡± He stretched the arch of his back and dusted his hands. ¡°It was like this when I got here,¡± He said. ¡°There¡¯s a fridge out there that keeps¡­ replacing itse-¡­ or um¡­ how do I say it-there¡¯s a spot out there where a fridge should obviously go, and a fridge is usually there. Usually there, usually working, usually running like¡­ normal. Totally normal. It¡¯s just that every once in a while, totally arbitrarily-¡° ¡°-huh?-¡° ¡°-Another one just appears. But¡­ in the same spot the old one is already in.¡± ¡°What does that word y-¡­ wait, what?¡± He nodded slowly to confirm I heard him right. ¡°You mean¡­ exact same spot¡­¡± I said. ¡°Exact same spot, exact same fridge, and, whatever is putting it there, it¡¯s trying to put it there at the exact same time. Don¡¯t know how to describe what happens to the old one other than¡­ zoooom.¡± He airplanes his hand through the air lazily as I sit in disbelief. ¡°That sounds¡­¡± I began. ¡°Like a Final Destination level of ridiculous comic danger.¡± ¡°It sounds exactly like it is.¡± I sort of giggled morbidly at the thought of that even happening. Seeing whatever other biblically-accurate anomaly this place had to offer had not made my threshold of wonder any lower. Seeing that up close must be so¡­ ¡°Anyone ever gotten hit by one?¡± I asked. He tilted his head back and forth. ¡°Yeah. Me.¡± I ticked my tongue in a very ¡°bullshit¡± kind of way. He raised his eyebrows. ¡°You think I¡¯m lying?¡± ¡°I think you¡¯d be dead,¡± I said. ¡°Unless it isn¡¯t as ridiculous as you¡¯re making it sound aaannnddd you¡¯re just telling me fairy tales-¡° ¡°-Fairy tales?!-I¡¯ll give you a fucking tail.¡± Nikko turned around, lifting the back of his shirt to show me his bare skin. ¡°Jesus Christ, dude!¡± My outburst was completely genuine. There was a giant, slanting, bubbly valley of a gash that stretched from the small of his back to the center of his left shoulder-blade. ¡°What the fuck is that?!¡± I tacked on. ¡°That¡¯s the body make-up I wore on the set of Final Destination 3.¡± Stars had truly found their way to my eyes. I almost felt the same as when I was looking at Natalie. ¡°Can I¡­ touch it?¡± I asked. ¡°What?! Hell no, dude-What kinda freak shit is that?¡± ¡°Nikko, that is easily the coolest scar I have ever seen in my life.¡± He let his shirt drop back down over his spine as I whined. ¡°Yeah, thanks,¡± He said lethargically. ¡°Can you pull the rest of your side, please?¡± ¡°How¡¯d it happen? I mean I know how it happened but¡­ what was it like? The moment, I mean¡­¡± Nikko was giving me a worried look that I was very familiar with. I felt the smile on my face slowly shrinking in its proximity. He noticed. ¡°I was knelt down on the floor, thank God,¡± He began. ¡°I think I was picking up a strawberry or something-I don¡¯t even remember. I just know I was down there when I heard this-¡­ it isn¡¯t like a bang it¡¯s like a uhhh¡­ you ever heard lightning? Like lightning striking so close that you hear the actual current? That¡¯s what it was like. I think I¡¯d actually been on my way to beginning to stand. I just blinked and my face was on the ground. Sandra was surprised it didn¡¯t wring my neck into silly putty. I¡¯m surprised it didn¡¯t barrel right through me. Take off the left side of my torso completely or¡­ something¡­¡± I was trying so hard not to smile. It probably wasn¡¯t hard enough as he glared at me. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± I said. ¡°That is just awesome. It was awesome, right?¡± ¡°Sure, after all the blood loss? It was fuckin¡¯ tubular.¡± I backed off that line of questioning and steadied myself to the fridge. I scrunched myself in, and tried to make the pull, but immediately choked. I stood up, backed away and began coughing into my arm. Out of my peripheral, I saw Nikko running up to me. I quickly threw my other hand out to keep him away. I slowly breathed and recovered. I closed my eyes and felt my lungs expanding and retracting as gently as I could operate. In the blackness of my eyelids, I heard the scraping of the fridge. I opened them to see Nikko standing up from what used to be my side of it. He turned around to me, stretching his back again. ¡°Are you gonna collapse the second you step outside?¡± He asked. I shook my head. ¡°No, I¡¯m good.¡± He nodded his head. ¡°¡­ well, I¡¯m not gonna flat out say that I don¡¯t believe you, I¡¯ll just say that it was nice knowing you for these ten minutes.¡± ¡°Did you just say it¡¯s been ten-¡° ¡°-NIKKO!¡± Natalie screamed from the kitchen. ¡°WE¡¯RE COMING!¡± He screamed back. I knit my eyebrows as he walked away through the space we had made. I followed him over. ¡°Alright,¡± He said. ¡°This is really all you¡¯re gonna need.¡± He placed his hands upon the dirty railing of a dolly cart that was wedged in the mess of appliances towards the back of the room. It had what must have been at least sixty random Tupperware containers stacked into and over each other on its bed. There was also a large opaque storage bin. ¡°Is this what Patrick used?¡± I asked. Nikko whirled around his head and gave me a dirty look. ¡°You typically name-drop the dead that casually?¡± The bones of the fallen and all that, but that seemed like an overly-sensitive question. ¡°Well,¡± I said. ¡°I feel like I¡¯m in a makeshift mortuary right now, so I guess I lost touch with my subtly.¡± He noticeably shivered. ¡°Not funny, but¡­ morbidly interesting idea,¡± He said sarcastically. ¡°I¡¯ll run it by Vernon.¡± I smiled in thanks. ¡°Anyway,¡± He said, as he jiggled the cart out into the open space. ¡°Just sweep any fridge they have with the big bin, pack everything else in Tupperware and stack them over the drinks in there. Fifty gallons. Should have no problem cleaning house. Lot of these containers won¡¯t be big enough for a whole tray of whatever is over there, so if you run out of space just start shoving things in with each other. Make it a little sensible when you do. Hot with hot, cold with cold, room temp with room temp.¡± ¡°You¡­ want me to just mix it all?¡± ¡°I want you to get whatever you¡¯re able to get, which should be everything.¡± ¡°It¡¯s gonna be a gross fucking mess. Especially in these dusty ass containers.¡± ¡°That¡¯s what Margo and I are here for. You get the shit, we¡¯ll make it look pretty. Deal?¡± I¡¯ve gone over this thought process before, but painting this exchange with as much simplicity as Nikko was painting it with was worrying to me. It needed to be explained to me why someone couldn¡¯t have done this long before I got here. Yeah, you want a hot towel with that too? ¡°I¡­ okay, sure I guess.¡± ¡°Sick, sounds like we¡¯re completely on the same page. Get out of this room before your girl comes in here and gives me a second Grand Canyon on my back.¡± He walked away towards the door. ¡°Don¡¯t¡­ call her my g-¡­ugh¡­¡± I mumbled to myself. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I followed Nikko, pulling the cart along behind me. I kept spinning around because I couldn¡¯t decide if I should push it facing forward or pull it looking backwards. Natalie turned around as she saw us. ¡°You think you¡¯ve got an immunity idol this week, Nikko? Why are you smiling?¡± She said. Nikko rubbed the smile off of his face with his palm. ¡°He¡¯s here. He¡¯s ready,¡± Nikko said. ¡°You¡¯re cool to spend the rest of your morning getting mad at him.¡± ¡°Heh,¡± Elijah chuckled. ¡°She already spent her day¡¯s worth on someone else-¡° ¡°-Get ready to have a serious issue if you say anything else,¡± She said to Elijah. ¡°Can we be out the door? Now?¡± She stared at my stupid face. ¡°Why are you asking me a question?¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m a lot more comfortable when you¡¯re confidently ordering me around.¡± She ground her teeth together, probably imagining my throat between them. ¡°Door. Gate. Run. Food. Now.¡± Elijah¡¯s behavior alone was truthfully scaring me, and I realized I did not want to be an accomplice to Natalie¡¯s headache anymore. At least for the rest of the morning. ¡°Just food?¡± I replied to her. ¡°You don¡¯t need anything else?¡± ¡°You looking for extra credit or something? Food-¡° ¡°-Food, yeah, I can get the food. I was just asking. I¡¯m surprised you guys even have toilet paper.¡± ¡°We can swap it for blankets and a pair of scissors if we run out,¡± She said. It isn¡¯t fair for her to say something funny. ¡°Sounds like it would be clogged a lot,¡± I said, trying to let her know that I was in on her obvious joke. ¡°Not a chance,¡± Nikko said. ¡°Pipes are like a Delta P in these bathrooms-¡° ¡°-Delta pee,¡± I whispered. ¡°Alright, that¡¯s the cue that this is taking way longer than already way too long,¡± Natalie said, turning to the door. ¡°Just food, Cody.¡± ¡°Okay¡­¡­¡± I said, before thinking like a dumbass. ¡°You sure you don¡¯t want me to add a new mirror to that grocery list for you?¡± She spun around, face red. ¡°What the fuck did you just say to me?!¡± I quickly realized what that sounded like without context, and my tone hadn¡¯t helped. ¡°The b-¡­ the mirror, the bathroom mirror. The broken one¡­ you want¡­ do you want me to get a new one?¡± She looked even angrier for a second, before her mind visibly shifted somewhere else. She seemed to become distant for a moment. ¡°Natalie?¡± I asked. Her anger shot back to the forefront as immediately as my lips had finished writing that word. Though she had submitted to telling me her name, I could easily see that she hated the sound of it coming out of my mouth. Still, she visibly calmed herself. ¡°Nikko,¡± She said while still staring me down. ¡°Please stay here until lunch. I¡¯ll go find where Margo is-¡° ¡°-Hey,¡± Elijah interrupted. ¡°I can find her myself. How about I go look for her, and you can take Cody to the-¡­¡± Elijah went silent and pale as Natalie strode over and towered above him, staring at the side of his face. Fully straight. A real straight. Taller than him. ¡°Elijah, you¡¯re being insubordinate. You are going to knock that shit off. Now.¡± Nikko and I stood there silently as Elijah visually cowered into obedience. She backed away slowly, still staring daggers into his side. Finally, she turned back to me. ¡°I¡¯m gonna manifest you sounding like less of an idiot today. Try to start thinking about a sentence before you say it.¡± She began to walk out of the room, speaking to Elijah and I. ¡°If Cody is not outside of that gate in the next ten minutes, you¡¯re both gonna need Roman to protect you.¡± She exited as Elijah stood there angrily silent. His social resemblance to her was bleeding its hand like crazy. And as I watched him nervously, I saw it just¡­ ¡°Eh,¡± He sighed as he looked to me and smiled. ¡°I¡¯ll find Margo later. She¡¯s probably off polishing her Jane Eyre impression or something. You ready?¡± I had a lot of alarm bells going off in my head, all of them telling me that it was not a good idea to be around this person. While I didn¡¯t disagree with them, I did think they were being a little dramatic. ¡°Um,¡± I began. ¡°Can I get like¡­ some peanut butter crackers or something first?¡± ¡°Hang on,¡± Nikko said beside me, as he walked over to a cabinet. ¡°He¡¯s fine, Nikko.¡± Elijah interrupted sharply. Nikko and I both stared at him, as I realized that it was very important for me to take some initiative. ¡°Yeah,¡± I said as quickly as I could. ¡°I was just kidding.¡± I looked towards Nikko. ¡°Thank you, though.¡± He nodded, eyes wishing me good luck. ¡°Sure, no problem,¡± He said. Thanks, I¡¯ll need it. I turned back to Elijah. ¡°Human meat as I¡¯ll ever be...¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah and I walked silently through town, the only sound between us being the wheels of the dolly cart, skidding on the commercial epoxy. I pushed from behind, keeping a slow pace to not hit Elijah¡¯s ankles. I had sprung to the orientation of keeping the cart between the two of us. It gave me a sense of security that I was sure I didn¡¯t need, but enjoyed nonetheless. As much as my resentment had flourished for him this past week, my choice of silence towards Elijah was not solely based on my current unease in his presence. Truthfully, I was trying my best to avoid bringing up his interaction with Natalie. I was worried that any conversation between us would lead to it somehow, and I didn¡¯t want him to have to talk about it. It would be such an easy leg up in our childish seesawing, and I, regrettably, felt a little bad for him. Even though I couldn¡¯t exactly explain why¡­ ¡°Hey,¡± He began unprompted. ¡°Are you giving me the silent treatment again?¡± Even responding to that question felt like a minefield. ¡°No¡­ I¡¯m just nervous. Lost in my head¡­¡± I was trying to lie to him about being nervous at all, but I think I had made it sound like I was nervous to be around him. He nodded without turning to me. ¡°For sure, you¡¯ve got a lot to be thinking about,¡± He said, rubbing his head. ¡°Well, I won¡¯t give you anymore.¡± I cringed, but resisted feeding into his company-starved misery, the same way I had fizzled out before further toying with Natalie¡¯s knee-high-to-a-grasshopper-fuse. I wasn¡¯t nervous about anything, and I wasn¡¯t scared of Elijah. I simply didn¡¯t have the drive to offer any kind of trivial discourse to him while he was clearly teetering. I needed to remember that most everyone here was probably looking for someone to trigger their ¡°you know what? Fuck it¡± tripwire. Plus, I had already spent my vitriol on Sean this morning. Maybe it was unnecessary, but I felt good about that encounter. Sean had thought I was Slips when I was in the bathroom, and the barbaric harshness that I had heard in his voice made me ridiculously unhappy. The thought of Slips opening the door to him and slinking away in fear while Sean continued to assert his dominance¡­ it was driving me up a wall. This place breeds an easy irritability. Maybe I should recognize that in myself more, but personally, I¡¯m not taking that as a valid excuse for anyone deserving my sympathy. That¡¯s just as true for Sean as it is for Natalie and the boy walking in front of me. ¡°Hey,¡± He said. ¡°I don¡¯t know what Natalie said to you, but I¡¯d definitely prefer it if you didn¡¯t die out there.¡± Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere. I didn¡¯t care if he was lying or not. I felt nothing for it either way. Apparently he¡¯d been silently begging for me to bring up Natalie in some way, shape or form. ¡°Her concern, or lack thereof, is more important to me than yours,¡± I said to him rudely. ¡°Pfff, could¡¯ve figured that out myself, Fabio¡­¡± He mumbled. He didn¡¯t turn around to see the anger spread across my face. ¡°Anyway,¡± He continued for some fucking reason. ¡°I just want to make sure you¡¯re okay to venture out again. Your wounds do look a lot better.¡± ¡°They are,¡± I answered shortly, feeling like I was trying to get out of a nagging conversation with my parents as fast as possible. It seemed to work for a small little moment. ¡°That¡¯s good,¡± He said. ¡°You should be able to take physical care of yourself out there, if making this trek doesn¡¯t reopen anything.¡± ¡°I thought you didn¡¯t want to give me anything extra to think about.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t. I¡¯m just¡­¡± He began. ¡°I guess I¡¯m only bringing it up because you¡¯re going to be walking a lot, and I haven¡¯t seen the wound on your left foot in a while.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°What?¡± I said, considering whether or not I should feign obliviousness. ¡°The giant gash on the bottom of your left foot¡­ the one that you already had when you got here¡­ ringing a bell?¡± I didn¡¯t answer. ¡°There were regular bandages on it,¡± He continued. ¡°Not sure where you found those in here, but I¡¯m assuming that¡¯s because you didn¡¯t find them here.¡± What do you want? ¡°You remember what you did to get that injury?¡± He turned around slowly as I brought the cart to a halt, and we both stood motionless. ¡°I definitely don¡¯t remember showing up here barefoot,¡± I said. He smiled. ¡°Well, I¡¯ve learned not to put too much trust in your memory,¡± He said, smiling. He turned around and began walking again. I felt like I just gave a confession, but I didn¡¯t know why the incident would mean anything to him. I assumed he was picturing something much bigger than the cage match of me and a piece of furniture, but I was still confused about his desire to get it out of me. I nervously followed him, as the sound of the cart began to buzz again. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I found myself back in the vestibule of Hell, as the giant gate loomed ahead of me. I stared up at it helplessly, kind of hoping it would magically break off its hinges and crush me to death before I had to go through any more trouble. The power couple, Tim and Carolette, had appeared to take up a post by the handles. I continued staring up in a daze, paying them no mind. ¡°We can¡­ start whenever his high wears off,¡± Tim said to what I assumed was Elijah. ¡°Super!¡± Elijah said, walking past my side. ¡°He¡¯s as sober as a straightedge!¡± By now, I¡¯d learned to only daydream in shallow waters. Elijah¡¯s voice had rudely shocked me back down to earth. I looked towards Tim and Carolette as Elijah joined them in front of the handles. ¡°Just to put it out there,¡± Carolette began. ¡°I¡¯m not going dainty on you or anything, but I wouldn¡¯t mind him taking my spot.¡± She motioned to me. ¡°You know, if we¡¯re gonna be doing this everyday now,¡± She added. Elijah shook his head. ¡°I¡¯d like to conserve at least some of his energy if possible,¡± He replied. ¡°It seems unavoidable that he¡¯s going to be spending a lot of it arguing with me everyday.¡± She rolled her eyes. ¡°I know the feeling,¡± She said. Tim¡¯s face shrunk in confusion. ¡°You¡­ you do?¡± He said. ¡°Since when?¡± ¡°Alright,¡± Elijah said. ¡°I got told he needs to have been gone like two minutes ago. Let¡¯s kick him out. Is Sean here?¡± ¡°It¡¯s a little too calm for Sean to be here,¡± Tim said. ¡°Don¡¯t you think?¡± Elijah nodded in agreement. ¡°Hey, you guys um¡­¡± He said awkwardly. ¡°You haven¡¯t seen Margo yet today, have you?¡± Carolette shook her head nervously. ¡°I thought Nikko was standing in so you two could bring him here together?¡± She said. ¡°Sooooo did I,¡± Elijah replied. He stared into space for a moment, before shaking his head. ¡°Whatever, let¡¯s go.¡± The two of them nodded to him, and all three of them moved to the handles. Tim lifted the giant bar up and to the side, as Elijah took one hook. Carolette took the other as Tim ran to join her. I watched silently, as the three of them slowly heaved the door open. There was no real Roman-esque powerhouse amongst the three of them, so it took them about a full minute to get the gate to a reasonably opened sliver. I felt the dolly cart jiggling from the vibrations of the floor. Even with due credit to my current condition, watching them made me embarrassed about my inability to pull one side of a fridge earlier today. Finally, the three of them gasped, catching their breath as they backed away from the door. ¡°Mercy,¡± Elijah said in exasperated huffs before looking at me. ¡°You wanna see if you can find me any Grapes of Luxury out there? We deserve to have a servant feed them to us after that¡­ doesn¡¯t have to be you.¡± I glared at him for a moment as his smile kept itself anchored. I began pushing the cart through the slit that was made, breezing past Tim and Carolette as well. I didn¡¯t exactly want to treat them with the same disregard, but since they were obviously friends with Elijah, they were as guilty by association as was necessary to forgive myself. That being said, my ignorant energy was snuffed out quite quickly as my head spun in the wake of the wilderness. I had been pumping myself up for it this entire time, but of course it didn¡¯t help when I was actually standing on the edge of it again. My bladder felt suddenly full. I heard Elijah thanking the two behind me as they reciprocated. His footsteps followed me outside of the gate, and I felt his presence standing behind my right side. We hung in silence for a moment as I stared forward. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You know,¡± He said. ¡°I see it from up there like every other day, but standing in front of it is always different.¡± I stayed silent. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I felt his finger tapping my right shoulder. I turned around angrily. ¡°What?¡± I hissed through my teeth. He pouted slightly, his right arm hiding behind his back. ¡°You¡¯re so mean,¡± He said like a schoolgirl, the same thing he was currently posing to look like. ¡°I got a present for you.¡± He pulled his right arm out from behind his back, and revealed that his hand was holding my notebook, noticeably stained in my now dried blood. I stared at it for a second, before my gaze drifted slowly back up to his face. ¡°I uhhh¡­¡± He began. ¡°I knew that Natalie would probably want to permanently confiscate it when she found it on you, so the night you came back I just¡­ borrowed it¡­ for its protection.¡± I think I felt my mouth slowly parting in a dumbfounded gape. ¡°How¡¯s that for insubordination?¡± He added. Seeing the notebook was truthfully more exciting to me than I¡¯d like to admit, but¡­ ¡°Where were you keeping that this whole morning?¡± I said. ¡°In safe hands¡­ in a safe place anyway.¡± A reflexive jolt shot through me as I snatched it out of his hand roughly. I felt like I had gone slightly feral for a moment. ¡°I didn¡¯t read it, in case you were wondering,¡± He said. ¡°I wasn¡¯t, because I know you did.¡± He frowned. ¡°Okay,¡± He said. ¡°Honest to God truth, I read like one corny line of it before I realized it was obviously personal. I shoved it closed right away. I promise.¡± I¡­ sort of believed him, but even one line was more than I was really comfortable with. ¡°What um¡­ what was it about?¡± I mumbled. He scratched his head. ¡°Uhhh, it¡¯s hard to say without context but¡­ I think it was just some weird fever dream you were having,¡± He said. ¡°Something about an ocean maybe.¡± I didn¡¯t really remember that, but I wouldn¡¯t tell him if I did. I generally don¡¯t write down my dreams. ¡°It¡¯s not a dream journal,¡± I said. ¡°Yeah, doesn¡¯t seem like it would be. Maybe you were just daydreaming about someone.¡± I scowled. ¡°Do you have my phone?¡± ¡°Uhh, not on my person.¡± ¡°Then please get the fuck away from me.¡± I turned around, placing the notebook on the bed of the dolly cart, and my hands back on the railing. ¡°I don¡¯t know if she told you, but Carolette¡¯s a writer,¡± He said. ¡°There¡¯s actually a notebook she just like that in the library from her. She¡¯d probably love to talk to you about it. Again, not the best authority of quality literature, but I think it¡¯s some pretty strong shit.¡± ¡°¡­ good for her,¡± I said more to myself than to him. I heard him chuckle a little, as his footsteps strolled away from me again. ¡°Alright then, lonely,¡± He said. ¡°Have whatever you want to eat or drink when you get there. It should be Brunch-ish. I¡¯ll still get you something substantial for dinner later, but you¡¯ve earned a self-portioned meal.¡± Didn¡¯t need your permission. I waited for the sound of the massive scraping gate to begin. ¡°Oh, and Jebediah?¡± Elijah called out in a southern accent that I absolutely refused to turn around for. ¡°You remember that you¡¯re coming back, right? This isn¡¯t another exile, there¡¯s a lot of people counting on you¡­ me being one of them.¡± I waved the farmgirl my favorite small appendage and began rolling away with the cart. Soon after, the sliding wheels were silenced by the colossal groan of the sealing entrance. As I heard it latching closed, I froze, and immediately regretted not bullying the ever living shit out of Elijah. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯m surprised I¡¯m even speaking to you again. Before today, the last thing cataloged here was before I¡¯d even fallen into the warehouse. I spent so much time down there thinking about this notebook sitting on my dead-body, with the last notable entry being about my perseverance to start living again. I don¡¯t care how dead ¡°dead¡± is, that would have to have been enough embarrassment to never let my soul cross the River Styx. I¡¯m pulled over on the side of the road right now. I was trying to catch up the record on foot, but I kept getting distracted and forgetting the details of what I was trying to recount. You know how some people can¡¯t walk and talk? Well, I can¡¯t walk and write. I really don¡¯t want to keep being dramatic about it either, but a little too much of my mental capacity is still being spent on simple motor-skills. I¡¯m just having some trouble focusing. It¡¯s almost like there¡¯s something else I¡¯m supposed to be focusing on right now¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I had begun walking again, a little too long after the gate had finished closing. Anger pulled my feet as I couldn¡¯t believe I was sent out without at least one water bottle to start me off. Unfortunately, I knew I could make it there without it. I began slowly crawling into the endless network. I watched the first clock as it passed on my left. 10:39 AM. I discovered a negligible, but existent nonetheless, new calm wash onto me. I did know I wasn¡¯t being exiled. I had a place to return to. A place that, in some backwards sense, I belonged. I was just going for a very purposeful walk. Alone time. That¡¯s all it was. Well, maybe without the knowledge of experiences I¡¯ve had in the past. I wasn¡¯t in love with the idea of staying in one spot for any considerable amount of time, but the first thing on my mind was almost immediately to create an opportunity for myself to stop and write. I didn¡¯t look back, but I was sure that one or more of them were watching me from the observation deck. After traveling a somewhat considerable distance, I started weaving myself into avenues without being too obvious about avoiding their line of sight. The reliable muscle memory of my one paramount movement was remaining steady. I didn¡¯t feel like I was going to fulfill everybody¡¯s less-than-satirical assumption of my collapse. I even began to feel like I was getting some figurative fresh air. My depression had really pulled a hat-trick of proficiency when I was locked in that dark room for so many consecutive days. The visitation certainly hadn¡¯t been helping. My brain was working a little more reasonably out in the open, washing out the blue color that had been splattering all over it for the past week. I knew the general location of the Caf¨¦, and if ever I felt I was losing my way, a bookshelf climb would set me back off in the right direction. I began making the distance needed to hide myself from the view of the observation deck. I looked up at the fake sky, ready to make the best of my first ¡°real¡± day under it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Feel free to set a timer of how long that optimism will last. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª After feeling like I was successfully off the radar, I had found a nice little egg swing to bunker down in and write. The model patio reminded me of a much more clich¨¦ version of the backyard patio that Chandler¡¯s parents had. I used to go there after school every Friday, sometimes even without him or Toby. It was a good place to get work done, and his parents used to like me. I sat down like the ignorant little kid that the space had taken me back to being, and let myself be hypnotized. I was muttering to myself like a goblin the entire time, going through a halfway trauma of the emotions I¡¯ve had the past week or so. I wrote about the abyssal ghastliness of The Warehouse. I wrote about making peace as the Staff member had stood over me by the couch. I wrote about the pit of pitch black radiation that slowly sucked the lifeblood out of those seven. I wrote about the dead-horse attrition of Wyatt¡¯s skull. I wrote about the sound of Anne Marie¡¯s neck snapping. I wrote about Anthony¡¯s eternal scream that I¡¯ve been hearing every time I close my eyes. I wrote about my attempt to sacrifice Kanata. I wrote about the corpulent mass of what I thought was Elizabeth¡¯s untimely corpse in my arms. I wrote about Abel. I wrote about Nick. I wrote about the uncomfortable burden that still being alive had colored itself to be for a while there... I kept expecting to chronicle the sequence of my own death somewhere in between the events, and I even began laughing a little at how outlandish it all was. Did I really do all that? How am I alive right now? It seemed ridiculous that all of it had happened, but more ridiculous that after it all¡­ I was just sitting here. Like I should have a goddamn lemonade in my hand or something. Sitting here on this fake patio, writing in this stupid notebook. For what, my own sanity? I mean, does this get old? Traumatic situation arises, I make some jokes because I¡¯m ignorant to the consequences of reality, but afterwards, I¡¯m human and recognize my own mistakes, that¡¯s why I keep making them and keep hurting people, which I¡¯m ignorant to, but sometimes I¡¯m not, and sometimes I have a humane revelation of my care for other people, and that makes all the other times okay¡­ wanna hear me make a joke about that? That¡¯s stupidity, right? It¡¯s stupid for me to be making jokes with every asshole in R&E while there¡¯s so many thousands of dead bodies floating around in this place¡¯s stomach. Stupid isn¡¯t a good word, disrespectful is better. This journal is so fucking disrespectful. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I finished writing what I felt was sufficient enough to help you feel caught up again, but not enough to be out here for too long. Well, that was the goal anyway... I looked at the clock next to me and immediately cursed as if I had woken up late for my first day at work. 11:53 AM. ¡°Jesus H. Bleeding CHRIST!¡± I¡¯d sat there for over an hour?! How?! I ran back to the cart where I had parked it outside, groaning as I felt my back being slightly thrown out. I began speed-walking. I had been prepared to run if need-be today, but was well aware of the fact that any genuine need to run would probably have just been the end of me. I felt winded in just seventeen seconds as I slowed my pace, holding in the cough. I took small sharp breaths until I trusted myself to slowly inhale and exhale again. Elijah was talking to me about brunch. Surely they didn¡¯t expect me to be back in just a few hours, but I had burned so much time lying completely motionless. Maybe that mattered, but when all of them were expecting me to crumple to my death at any moment, the timeline for my return was likely more lenient than I was making it out to be. I shouldn¡¯t be pushing myself¡­ My imagination of running from something made me realize that I didn¡¯t have the pole with me anymore. I hoped they hadn¡¯t scrapped it to turn it into a support beam or something. It had a somewhat emotional value to me that I hadn¡¯t signed up for, but knew I would be somewhat sad to lose. It was more just about the comfort of having it, but again, here¡¯s to hoping I didn¡¯t need it for anything. I would hope I don¡¯t have ANY encounters in the ominous daylight. Really, I just needed to make sure I didn¡¯t meet any more staircases. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª 11:58 PM. I opened a closet in a faux mudroom. There was a really nice backpack on a hook in it, SwissGear (not sponsored). It was pretty big, the kind an adult would bring to an office, saying they prefer it to a briefcase for their commute. I had always tried to not bring work home with me (in a literal sense anyway), so I usually never used either. I was only ever carrying my lunch, and that was never big enough that I needed, I don¡¯t know, a dolly cart to wheel it into my room. I took the empty backpack and slung it over my shoulder. There was a flashlight sitting on a high shelf. I clicked it on to see that it shined like the battery had never been touched. I assumed it probably hadn¡¯t if it had just materialized here from nothing. I zipped it up in the main compartment, and zipped up the notebook in the safer small one. The rest was just coats. I was sure I hadn¡¯t yet appreciated this place for the paradise it could be for changing my musty attire, but I would rather save that for another trip. I mentally promised myself a makeover day when I felt a little better. Apprehensive as I was in this open abyss, I kept wanting to stop and investigate everything I walked by. After the ice-bath dive of getting myself out here, my only option to calm my stress was to try and cherish how cool the randomly generated homeliness was. However, remembering the time I was supposed to be keeping kept my childlike wonder on an unappreciative leash. I realized that if I returned today with the facade of focusing on the mission the entire time, they would expect that hour to factor into the time I needed to complete a run. That meant, if I pretended to always be on my best behavior, I could have an hour to do whatever I wanted everyday. Just have to¡­ figure out what that is. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª 12:38 PM. I hummed a little Kid Cudi. I accidentally started thinking about my mom. I realized how I never got the chance to watch True Detective, and now I¡¯ll never know if McConaughey deserved the Academy award or not. I realized I should have settled for spoiled milk that morning (Or, if I had just clipped someone¡¯s mailbox on the way to Five Guys, I could probably be having a pretty relaxing time at home right now). I felt kind of horny, but not enough to feel like stopping again. I thought about Hannah. I stopped thinking about Hannah. I thought about the Encyclopedia Britannica. If I ever ended up back in the real world somehow, I would see who I could talk to about getting an Encyclopedia IKEA published (Emphasis would be on the I there. ¡°Encyclopedia I-kee-a¡± (Also, remember when I was sounding out IKEA¡¯n? I think rather than I-Kee-ya-en, or even I-Kee-an, it would be I-Kin-Nee-en. I know that¡¯s adding a letter that isn¡¯t in the word, but it¡¯s the only way for it to not sound awkward. Places with names that don¡¯t work for demonyms would normally just make a relatively close word anyway, so I think it works (Did you know people from Glasgow are called Glaswegians? They know the North Sea still exists, right?))). I stopped thinking about the Encyclopedia Britannica. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Have I ever said IKEA¡¯n? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Sorry. It¡¯s easy to record events from experiences in R&E, but I¡¯m a little out of my groove when it comes to projecting my stream of consciousness. Also, in case I didn¡¯t make it clear earlier, this concept of keeping you informed of what I¡¯m doing with this journal has started making me sick to my stomach. I¡¯m a little nauseous regardless. I¡¯ve been looking straight forward for so long that my brain is playing tricks on me, and my vision is tilting the floor. Like the entire IKEA is lopsided. It would be funny if it wasn¡¯t an eye trick, and the whole complex was doing an Inception tilt. What would happen if everything went vertical and I fell from the side? I guess I would be falling forever, at least until I starve to death midair. Does terminal velocity kill you with no other factors? I feel like my organs would eventually be popped like pimples by the g-force. I think I would pretty immediately try to swipe my arms until I could propel myself back towards the ¡°floor¡±. Just to bash my head open on the first thing it touched at that speed. I¡¯m not a fan of¡­ falling. Heights are fine, it¡¯s just that feeling. Jumping into the pit had been just about as fun as being in it. To be in that state forever¡­ Maybe the Hell I got here wasn¡¯t the worst roll of the dice. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª 1:24 PM. Okay, wow. I swear it didn¡¯t use to suck this much. Did I used to have fun walking? I feel like this is WAY more unbearable than I remember. If I had to see a pie-chart breakdown of what activities occupied my time for the past month, I think that walking is higher than even sleeping. Was it always this awful? I feel like I want to lie face down on the ground, give a long exhale, and never inhale again. Before I let myself melt, am I even close to this fucking Caf¨¦? Eight goddamn miles. EIGHT! And if you think I¡¯m forgetting about that .1 that the homeless Ernest Mach had thrown in¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª 2:10 PM. It took all of three shelves to calm me down when I climbed up above the tree-line. I saw the small decorative spindles of the Caf¨¦. It wasn¡¯t exactly close, but I could make it in less than an hour. My feet were starting to ache. I should¡¯ve asked Elijah if he had a pair of shoes more suited for a hike than Converse. As if. I couldn¡¯t get a stick of gum if I sold them my liver. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª 2:47 PM. I¡¯ll probably be there in about fifteen minutes. How was I talking to you alone for three whole days? Was I giving you crazy backstory? I just remembered that I never finished telling you about her. Hannah. Obviously I¡­ could have. Basically none of this is being written at the time it¡¯s happening anyway. That story just isn¡¯t fun to tell or hear. My brain¡¯s already retold it to me about five trillion times through dream sequences. Haven¡¯t I already made that excuse? Sorry, I can¡¯t. Not right now. I just don¡¯t want that reminiscence to be the straw that makes me throw this notebook away into the distance. I need to be a little happier to tell you about her. Will that ever happen? Ummmmmm¡­ Let me just skirt around it a little longer. I¡¯ll trade you something that¡¯s almost as emotionally disquieting to talk about instead. Something liiikkkkeeee¡­¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Ooooh, I know. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I can¡¯t call Mom and Dad bad parents. I think my mother was an incredibly strong woman. Having one boy is the test of that. Having two is probably a weak woman¡¯s parallel to an infinite IKEA. Three and four? I¡¯ll just say from the bottom of my heart, I never would¡¯ve blamed her for going absentee the second I came out. Hell, marriage itself is already a lifelong commitment to taking care of a child. My father wasn¡¯t a child, I just think he kept forgetting what he was doing. If I had to guess why he never showed emotion, I wouldn¡¯t say it¡¯s because he felt too proud to, I simply don¡¯t think he ever realized that he was expected to. I had both of my parents around for the crucial years of my childhood, and that¡¯s more privilege than I could ever argue against with surrounding circumstance. They didn¡¯t abuse me, they didn¡¯t abuse each other. They were good at what they did, and they did it four times without letting themselves slack off on ¡°the next one¡±. They worked so hard. But that¡¯s all it was, I think. Work. Parenting is work, but you usually do it because you love your child. I don¡¯t know¡­ I think it was just their jobs and nothing else. That¡¯s not isolated to me either, it was all four of us. They didn¡¯t play favorites or least favorites, we were all equal to them no matter the age or behavior. I was the only one who was still ¡°there¡± when they split. Eddie wasn¡¯t going anywhere, but by the time I was seventeen, I felt like his name was just an important word I had to remember. He never tried wasting his time in college, but he never really moved out either. His stuff was always at the house, but he never was. I took as much of it as I could when I moved in with Chandler¡¯s family at nineteen, but I would guess that that shit is just rotting in their basement now. Mateo had called me the day after our parents told me they hadn¡¯t been interested in each other for years. He told me he was surprised they ever were. I knew exactly what he meant. They were always just¡­ there. I didn¡¯t think they were empty or vacant, I just felt like they were always waiting to be told they could go. Like they had better things to do. I told you once about how I only saw my father cry one time. My mother cried a lot, but it wasn¡¯t an overwhelmed kind of crying. Not weak. She could do it strategically. There were so many days when she came home, ruffled my hair, and broke down sobbing on her way upstairs to her bedroom. I would hear her heaving for twenty minutes, door open, not trying to hide it, before coming down to start making dinner like she had just hit a reset button. Whistling with the radio on. Talking to Eddie about his lacrosse team. Complaining to herself out loud about my grandfather giving her bad genetics and smokers lung, seemingly for no reason relatable to anything that was happening at the time. Doing renditions of old Andy Kaufman bits to make me laugh, pretending they were her own jokes when we both knew they weren¡¯t. She was sweet, I loved her¡­ for so long. I don¡¯t want to blame it on Leo¡¯s passing, because if I wanted to, I could blame everything that happened in that family on it in some way, and it¡¯s just a lazy reassignment of fault. Plus¡­ I don¡¯t want Leo to have to be here anymore. I don¡¯t want his memory to be tied up. No, that wasn¡¯t what started shutting her down. She was fine for too long afterwards for it to have been causation. I don¡¯t think it was any of us, not even dad. One day¡­ I think someone just finally told her she could go. She didn¡¯t listen to them right away, she knew it wasn¡¯t right for the time. She fought against it, she damn sure did, and as much as I want to say she didn¡¯t, I¡¯d be a lying little bitch if I said she hadn¡¯t tried. But Eddie started drifting for a reason. Mateo stopped visiting for a reason. I started feeling sorry for myself for a reason. A month or two before my sixteenth birthday, Mom came home in the middle of the day when none of us were there, and went into Leo¡¯s room. We hadn¡¯t ignored it like you¡¯re supposed to do with a normal late family member, we cleaned it everyday. She cleaned it everyday. Every. Fucking. Day. It was an unhealthy habit, yeah, but it was an unrelated one. Because¡­ I don¡¯t really know how to say this, but I don¡¯t think it¡¯s because she couldn¡¯t let him go. I think it was rooted in a genuine belief that if she wasn¡¯t respectful enough of the gravity of his passing, it might undo itself. I have absolutely no idea where that would have come from for her, but that¡¯s what the paranormally superstitious nature of that family had begun to feel like. The way she acted about that room¡­ it was just weird. Look, everybody grieves differently, but that shit wasn¡¯t grief¡­ it was obstruction. She behaved as if she was warding off the encroachment of something horrible that had made itself known to her. Maybe that¡¯s what had spoken to her, and she had begun living under it as if it had always been there. My only explanation for her shift in behavior is that some¡­ ¡°thing¡±¡­ had given her the permission for it. That day, she emptied that room like it was nothing. All of his belongings that could fit in a box were in the back room of a Goodwill before I even got on the bus home that afternoon. In a more realistic sense, maybe it was a way for her to hurt herself. Not to take away something she cared about, but to disrupt a foundation of routine that she had very much relied upon to feel like she was in a safe bubble of lucidity. She broke her own unspoken rule that was understood by all of us not to be disturbed. I didn¡¯t care, not at that time. Dad did. Somehow I don¡¯t remember a single word of that fight, and I DO NOT block shit out of my memory (as I¡¯ve made abundantly clear). That misleadingly destructive day was the start of a sixteen month timer, counting down to the day where our family would be officially nothing but a group of people with a loose association. Truthfully, it¡¯s quite self-important to call my day of discovering mommy and daddy don¡¯t love each other the ¡°end of the family¡±. The end of the family was probably the day I was born, simply because¡­ that was the day it was done being made. The day we were all finally here. The rest was just waiting. The aftermath of perspective was not good to me. I learned quite soon after moving out that it was a blessing to have lived in a time where my father had shown no emotion. Any day which I crossed paths with that man again was a very bad day. For someone who had spent so much time playing possum, he seems much more at home flying over the Cuckoo¡¯s nest. Everything I could call him is an undiagnosed label, so I won¡¯t give you the laundry list, but that man acts like he was sold a broken Geiger counter. For summarizing reference, I made it a point to never ask my father¡¯s opinion on my felony conviction. My mother on the other hand¡­ sadly, I think her wits are more about her than they¡¯ve ever been. She has hence learned something very integral about herself: She does not have the energy to let someone¡¯s feelings down easy. If that means breaking the news to her son that she is hardly interested in reconnecting with him after all these years... ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Is that enough useless fucking backstory for the next couple entries? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª 3:01 PM. I got you your fuckin¡¯ money¡­ I immediately booked it to the drink fridge, unscrewing the first bottle of water I could get my hand wrapped around. I learned from my old errors, and slowly enjoyed the sustenance. I sipped in somber relief, as I found the loveseat that I had dragged over to a table during my previous visit. This was weird. Being here again was weirding me the hell out and I couldn¡¯t describe why. I slung the backpack from my shoulder and placed it on the cushions. I retrieved the notebook, and flipped back in it until I found my entry from the day I was here. I made an I Love Lucy joke? Why? Ugh, the teeth. Yeah, that shit sucked. Not as much as that ¡°living¡± speech though, Jesus. Reading back, that thing is solely embarrassing enough even without an ironically subsequent death. I placed the notebook on the table and brought the cart over to the buffet line. I parked it and grabbed a tray, focusing on my own hunger first. I would be fine, but I didn¡¯t want to stay for very long at all. I had to remember how long it took me to get here, and plan to avoid a situation where I was even remotely close to lights-out when I returned. Wow, she can call it community service if she wants, but this schedule feels like a perfectly real job to me. Walk for about four FOCUSED hours, maybe get a nice hour of a lunch break, walk back for another four. Maybe it¡¯s healthier for me than sitting at a desk, and at least I¡¯m lucky to be aliv-oh whatever you know how I feel about this. I went to consider my once again free decision of whatever I wanted to eat for the first time in almost two weeks, before that freedom made me realize the other beautiful liberation I had just been granted. I placed down the tray and walked over to a random spot in the middle of the fucking floor. I then proceeded to piss in the middle of that fucking floor. God Bless IKEA. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Chicken, macaroni & cheese, greek salad, water, water and water. I sat down in the loveseat, running a finger over the rib that had originally encouraged me to retrieve it. Pressure was an almost negligible nerve pinch these days, but I was trying incredibly hard to avoid having any excessive amount of it applied. Case in point: My retreat from the front lines of Natalie¡¯s anger this morning. I grabbed a fork and rooted up a bite of hot macaroni. Feeding myself, chewing soft and slow, I closed my eyes and let the warmth run down to my stomach. My teeth felt better, but something in the back left was either chipped or broken. It must have been from Wyatt, not Natalie, as it pulled on a different discomfort than the one I had recorded before. Well, the discomfort wasn¡¯t dissimilar, the location just was. I tried to chew on only the right side of my mouth, but I kept accidentally tapping the problem area. It didn¡¯t matter, as it wasn¡¯t enough to ruin the euphoria of the meal for me. I even grinned a little as I took another bite, and that bite was good. Then, I got through about three gnashes of teeth with the next mouthful before I spontaneously burst into tears. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It stopped like a mood swing, but it felt right. I felt my brain say ¡°Okay, that¡¯s enough¡±. I had already felt pretty good before, but now¡­ I felt satisfaction. Like hitting a reset button. I finished the rest of my meal with a clear head. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I placed my tray back on the rack before returning to the cart and counter. I stood stationary for a moment, looking around with one hand on my hip, and the other holding the mini hot dog I was still chewing. I considered the idea of making a stash of food somewhere, and telling them the rest was all there was. For no other reason than for fun. Not too much, just a container or two-worth so they couldn¡¯t possibly notice. I didn¡¯t want it for myself either, I¡¯d rather dump it on the ground to fucking rot. If I did that everyday for months, the amount that cumulatively piled up would probably have been enough to feed everyone for at least days. Maybe that¡¯s not as much as I think, but the idea of pettily ripping the hypothetical food from their mouths was engrossing me. For like¡­ a minute or two. I really no longer felt the same echoing call for vengeance towards R&E that was basically printed on my forehead. I definitely wasn¡¯t going to the polls for them or anything, but I felt like I was being a little much. I¡¯m ALSO not trying to say my post-cry clarity turned me into Ghandi, because I still didn¡¯t like them, but I understood them. That little episode I just had, I really think it was because of the food. Just hunger playing with my emotions. Was that why I was so optimistic all the times that I was on my own? More importantly, maybe that¡¯s the more reasonable excuse that all of them have for being assholes. They¡¯re all just putting up the Bat-signal for a Snickers bar. Doesn¡¯t excuse them all being a lot-much, but it¡¯s an understandable reaction. I guess, I don¡¯t know dude, I¡¯m trying here. I swallowed my last bit of hot dog and dusted my palms. ¡°Youth is wasted on the young¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It didn¡¯t seem limited at all as I menially picked apart most of the Caf¨¦. It was what I felt was enough, and I truthfully wanted to play the field today of how much they would judge my effort. I was guessing this was probably good, but wanted to see the audacity of it not being so. I emptied the drink fridge into the giant bin, resisting my desire to drink a soda as I opened another water bottle. I stood back and looked at the cart, stepping forward to fix some of the more precariously placed bins. Once I felt that one slight turn wouldn¡¯t cause an avalanche, I steeled myself and prepared to set back out. I felt¡­ kind of cool? The brave explorer venturing beyond the bounds of safety to feed the village. He also hates that village, but don¡¯t leave that part in the documentary. I began walking down the path I came. The cart was a little heavier to push, but I was feeling a lot better than when I¡¯d shown up there. I breathed a deep breath, not even close to coughing. It felt cliche to smile, so I didn¡¯t. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I passed by the first clock on my way back after I had already been walking for about ten minutes. 4:22 PM. A good padding of time to get back without having to worry about curfew. I guess this really is my whole day. They¡¯ll probably shove me right back in the slammer as soon as they get this food from me. Honestly, for now, that¡¯s cool. As long as I have something to do with my day instead of constantly sitting at the table, I¡¯ll probably only feel better and better with time. Only having to sleep in a cage is a better quality of life than being a dog in a cage forever. Plus, not only will I get to walk around everyday, but I¡¯ll be consistently able to write agai-¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The skidding wheels were silenced as I stopped walking. There is just no way I am that obliviously stupid. I am genuinely refusing to believe it. I stepped back to behold my own presence in the universe, as I somehow realized for the first time in ten minutes that I had walked away from the Caf¨¦ without the backpack on my back. I let my mind¡¯s eye picture it still sitting on the loveseat, and as it drifted to the left, it illuminated the image of my notebook still sitting on the table. I placed my hands on each side of my head. ¡°No no no no no no no¡­ gooooooooddamit.¡± Should¡­ should I just leave it there? I¡¯m doing this everyday, so I¡¯ll just be going back there anyway. I can just get it then, it will still be there. I need to get back to R&E. It will still be there tomorrow. It will still be there¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Why do I not believe that? I don¡¯t trust that being true. Where would it go? Of course it¡­ of course it will still be there. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I looked back at the clock. 4:31 PM. ¡°Jesus fucking Christ.¡± I started running back to the Caf¨¦. I immediately began sweating out the optimism and warm fuzzy feelings that this day had begun to instill in me. My back began to itch, and my rib even began to throb. I should have recognized the approach of my stupidity¡¯s resurgence the moment I ¡°felt cool¡±. I just can¡¯t let myself get on top of the psychology of things, because the second I do, I find a way to prove to myself that I¡¯m like a monkey with a typewriter. Every revelation I have is being caboosed by a new punctuation of discrepancy. God forbid I ever- Alright come on, dude. You misplaced your fucking diary, is that really the next layer of inferno for you right now? Shit happens, and you¡¯re in a place where the frequencies of shit happening and shit not happening are flipped. Can you stop acting like shit happening is this unprecedented blue moon? Just go pick it up, and get the hell back. Yeah, I¡­ yeah. Okay. I made it back in what was maybe six minutes. I coughed as I pulled my pace back to a slow walk, entering back into the Caf¨¦¡¯s opening. I saw the loveseat and table, both with their respective belongings of mine. I resolved my self-induced panic as I picked up the backpack and strung it over my shoulders. I took the notebook in my hand. There, was that so bad? No, and I probably needed the exer- I turned around, and was about to walk back the way I came, before remembering that my internal monologue doesn¡¯t have a differing intelligence level from mine just because it speaks with reverb. A Staff member was standing on the other side of the Caf¨¦, staring at me as I froze. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It didn¡¯t move, the same as I tried to. I was probably contorting like a shivering chihuahua as its invisible parasite eyes dug into my skull. It had been a while since I had seen one. My last encounter being with a number too large to count did not make this lone wanderer any less horrifying. My entire nervous system was twirling around itself, like my own body was trying to hide behind me. Any input here, genius? Ummm, I¡¯m good. This is all you. Typical. Fine, let''s weigh it out.
  1. Fight it. Bare hands, preferably any object I can grab in the next five seconds (How did that thought even get past the word ¡°Fight¡±?).
  2. Back slowly away out of sight (I don¡¯t really know how their ¡°sight¡± works).
  3. Run past it back to the hallway (Seemed to work the last time before you went Wile E Coyote).
  4. Apologize and beg it to look the other way (Did you just say ¡°look¡±?)
  5. ¡°Hey, what¡¯s that over there?!¡± (Ummmmm)
That¡¯s it? Five options? Infinite IKEA and I have five options? What happened to not using that word so much? You¡¯re hurting my focus, please leave. WAITWAITWAIT, I THOUGHT OF ANOTHER OPTION! How about we stand completely still forever and see if it just walks away?! Must be mad-easy for the disembodied voice to choose the least physically possible option for my PHYSICAL body to perform. You asked. Fuck it, let¡¯s go with door #2. As slowly and steadily as I could, I began rolling my feet backwards. I made an effort to have my ankles and feet remain the only parts of my body in motion. My heel almost immediately stumbled on a table base, as I listed hard to the left. I caught myself before I fell, but the table rocked back and forth quickly with an obnoxiously loud rumbling. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Totally off-topic: Saying something redundant like ¡°well, that¡¯s not good¡± in an unbelievably life threatening situation is unexplainably fun. I think a lot of people watch action movies and find it really annoying when people are ¡°funny¡± in the middle of a ridiculously over-the-top scenario. I totally get it, but I will say this: In lethal circumstances, I think one of the only realistic human ways to tie your sane composure to the ground is to have some banter with it. Kind of like someone who decided that standing in front of a humanoid abomination was the best time to role-play a bickering argument with their own stream of consciousness. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Well, that¡¯s not good¡­¡± Wasn¡¯t there an option out of those five that I recognized to have WORKED BEFORE?! What¡¯s the reason I didn¡¯t choose that one again? The Staff member began walking towards me. It didn¡¯t scream or even run, maybe because of the time of day, but it knew that my body was something it needed to care about. Meanwhile, a clump of tubifex worms was replacing my stomach as I staggered my body around. I threw myself into the opposite tree-line of aisles out of the Caf¨¦, trying to disembark from the sight-line the same way I had from the R&E observation deck. I heard the wet footsteps patrolling at a slow pace, but couldn¡¯t exactly nail down their trajectory as I began panicking. I wanted to stop panicking, as, in theory, all I really needed to do here was snake my way back around to the other side and book it back to the cart. I began doing that, recognizing the hanging Caf¨¦ sign that floated over the view of the bookshelves. I oriented myself, zipping towards my original path, hearing the footsteps residing in the opposite direction still. Home-free? I breathed a sigh of relief as I emerged from the woods, and stepped directly into the personal space bubble of two other staff members that were standing in the middle of the path. A sound left my mouth that I think was supposed to be a scream, but turned into an awkward cough as I dashed back into the bookshelves. I darted further into the reach, hearing the footsteps commence behind. Okay okay okay, you saw It. It was just those two, just spiral around again and get back on the path to run. They¡¯re not in the same wild state that the- KRUNCH I heard the cracking of a large piece of wooden furniture somewhere from the direction of the two. Listen, I¡¯m so serious. Stop saying things. Every time you say something, everything gets so much wor- ¡°Hey.¡± As the overwhelming decision of what to do when hearing an unfamiliar human voice completely discombobulated me, I tripped and fell face first into the floor. Grace under pressure at its finest. ¡°Oh wow,¡± The male voice said tiredly from somewhere behind me. ¡°You alright, man?¡± I flopped around on the ground, finally gaining the sense to scramble to my feet and turn around defensively. I saw a man that looked to be in his mid-thirties. He had a slightly long neck, with long, dirty red-hair that stretched down over it. He was wearing a navy green raincoat hoodie, and standing way too close to me for someone I didn¡¯t know. ¡°WHO THE FUCK-¡° ¡°-Jesus brother-calm down it¡¯s like five O¡¯ clock in the afternoon.¡± He said. ¡°No reason to be yelling about things.¡± He stepped a little closer as I stepped even further away. It was NOT in my wheelhouse to be meeting new people right now. Not only because of the so ridiculously current situation, but because of how my last encounter with strangers had turned out... ¡°Look,¡± I said. ¡°There¡¯s three of those things right over there, and two of them will be here in like ten seconds, so do yourself a huge favor and get far away from me as soon as possible. I will use you as a distraction before you ruin this for both of us, so back the fuck up-¡° He held up his hands in reservation. ¡°-Alright alright, no need for that¡­ name¡¯s Trent-¡° ¡°-Don¡¯t tell me your godda-¡­ DON¡¯T TELL ME YOUR NAME! JUST-¡­ get out of here before I do something aggressive.¡± He raised an eyebrow. ¡°You must not get outside much,¡± He said. Just then, behind him, the two staff that had migrated from the path revealed themselves about thirty feet away from us. Trent turned around to notice them. ¡°You¡¯ve definitely got an outside voice though,¡± He muttered before turning back to me. ¡°You want me to take care of those things? Doesn¡¯t look like you got a weapon on ya.¡± Don¡¯t show your hand, he doesn¡¯t know what you- -Dude, shut up. Where¡¯s the notebook? We need to run. I spun around to see it on the ground where I¡¯d dropped it during the fall. I snatched it up and turned back to Trent. ¡°I¡­ stand corrected?¡± He said, regarding the notebook. ¡°Not sure how that thing¡¯s gonna get ¡®em, but I¡¯ve seen weirder methods.¡° He didn¡¯t have a weapon in his hands, but I assumed he was packing it under his coat. If he was offering, I¡¯d take him up on it. If anything, I¡¯d dip out when he started screaming in pain. ¡°No, I¡­ yes,¡± I said. ¡°Please kill them.¡± He shrugged lackadaisically, and turned without answering. He strode up, meeting the first Staff member halfway before pulling out a long broiler fork, and nonchalantly stabbing the shit out of the thing¡¯s face. ¡°SIR!¡± The other suddenly yelled as its friend fell lifeless to the ground. I jolted ridiculously hard, about to turn and book it, before Trent gracefully threw himself forward, getting in the tiny little bubble of its reach, and dealing it dirty before it could wrap its arms around him. He moved with a swiftness that was almost comparable to Kanata¡¯s. The second monster fell to the ground before him. Another crash sounded somewhere in the distance, as the third one began heading straight towards us, rapidly. Trent turned to me, holding the fork out in my direction. ¡°Wanna take a turn?¡± He offered. I wrung my shaking hands together. ¡°That¡¯s probably a bad idea,¡± I replied, as the third Staff member revealed itself. ¡°No shame,¡± He said. ¡°Not gonna twist your arm about it.¡± He swiftly spun around, and instead of killing it, threw himself under the Staff¡¯s right arm. It continued past him, running directly towards me instead. ¡°MOTHER FU-¡° I screamed, before the edge of the fork poked through the Staff¡¯s forehead. The fork teeth stared at me like fake eyes in the empty grey, as the titan slid limply forward, the fork sliding from its cold flesh. I jumped backwards before it could touch me. Trent stood behind it, stashing the fork somewhere behind his coat wing as he looked at me. ¡°You were talking to him, right?¡± He said, smiling. Two different shivers coursed simultaneously through my body. I felt like that encounter had given me an irregular heartbeat that I couldn¡¯t shake back to normal. ¡°Would¡¯ve been nice for you to tell me you were gonna do that shit!¡± I said. He wobbled his head. ¡°I only had ya scared for a couple seconds, didn¡¯t think you were that afraid of ¡®em-¡° ¡°-What, because you¡¯re not? Great for you, you seem like a super interesting guy. Can you leave now?¡± He pulled the broiler fork back out of his coat and tossed it on the ground. It clattered and slid up to my feet as I didn¡¯t let my eyes leave him. ¡°Not really here to hurt you, if that¡¯s what you¡¯re worried about,¡± He said. ¡°What are you up to out here?¡± I squinted, trying to look as intimidating as I could to the man that had just saved my life after I¡¯d face-planted right in front of him. ¡°Are you not getting the hint that I don¡¯t want to talk to you, or are you ignoring me? Why the hell is what I¡¯m doing any of your business?¡± He frowned a little before wiping it off. His patience was clearly far beyond what I had grown accustomed to from this realm¡¯s population. ¡°You live up there?¡± He said, motioning in Return and Exchange¡¯s direction. I fought and managed to not follow his suggestion with my gaze. ¡°Live where?¡± He rolled his eyes. ¡°Whatever, friend,¡± He said, turning and beginning to walk away. Despite that being what I wanted, I continued yelling. Mostly because he was walking in the direction that I wanted to walk. ¡°How about you, huh?!¡± I said. ¡°Where do you live? Do you just sit here waiting for fights to break out?¡± He turned around again. ¡°I¡¯m not mad you don¡¯t wanna tell me,¡± He said. ¡°I get it. Trust don¡¯t come too easy out here. I¡¯m not one to know if you¡¯ve even met another trustworthy soul out here before, so I¡¯m not pushing ya.¡± He walked back over to me. ¡°But I was watching you out there,¡± He continued. ¡°I just hope you know the danger of walking around in the open with something as loud as that bellhop¡¯s flatbed.¡± Trent did not have a southern accent, but he spoke like someone who should. ¡°I¡¯m fine,¡± I said sternly. ¡°I¡¯d be better if there wasn¡¯t some Manson-looking fucker stalking me through the middle of nowhere.¡± He smiled slightly. ¡°See, I¡¯ve gotten Ted Kaczynski when my hair was shorter,¡± He said. ¡°Guess those guys all had a similar style.¡± I was about to shoulder check him and begin walking away, but he beat me to it, side-stepping politely around me. I turned around as he began to exit. ¡°Yo!¡± I called to him. ¡°You forgot your shitty little skewer.¡± He waved his hand without stopping or turning. ¡°You can keep it,¡± He said. ¡°I was gettin¡¯ bored with it anyway. Gotta keep it fresh.¡± He moved around the corner of a bedroom display and disappeared out of my view as I stood there, disgruntled. ¡°Nice to meet you,¡± I whispered to basically no one. ¡°Don¡¯t ever fucking come near me again.¡± Nice last word, man! That¡¯ll teach him to tussle with us! I will bash in my temple with a lamp if you keep speaking. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I reunited with the cart, and began walking back to R&E. 4:59 PM. My heart was really starting to worry me, as I couldn¡¯t get it to calm down some twenty minutes later. Still, I moved with a hastened effort that demanded more out of me, but was less than I minded expending. Not only was I out of the comfort zone of having ample time to get back, but I had to keep looking over my shoulder to see if I was being followed. By Staff members, yes, but more importantly, the goddamn Unabomber. That was enough to get me in gear. I had the fork resting on the dolly cart. It was nice to have a stand in for the pole, and I admittedly knew that this, as a weapon, was greatly more efficient. The pole was almost an equivalent to an energy crystal, as I had liked holding it for comfort more than I had felt protected using it. It didn¡¯t have much power without the help of Kanata. At the same time though, you should probably know me well enough to know that I didn¡¯t want to use his fucking fork. If he hadn¡¯t distracted me, I would have been just fine running away. His help was only useful in the situation that HE had gotten me stuck in. That¡¯s what I¡¯m gonna tell David Letterman when he asks about it, anyway. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª 7:45 PM. I stopped to take a quick piss in a display toilet. After finishing, I stashed my notebook away into the backpack, not wanting to show up with it in my hand. I considered addressing what might be an unhealthy obsession to myself as I did so. That whole situation was because of this notebook. I should¡¯ve left it, why am I messing around like this is a playground? Even with some stranger and two Staff members behind me, the way I had scrambled to grab it from the floor was so skittish. The way I had ripped it from Elijah¡¯s hand earlier today¡­ The thing is, it kind of deserves my attention. Trent had joked about it being a weapon, but this thing has truly saved my life. I don¡¯t know if I would have stayed sane if I didn¡¯t have it. I guess the danger of that truth is that without it¡­ I might not be able to stay sane ever again. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª But back then was different. Back then was a different monster of isolation. Thinking about it now, I¡¯m more surprised about meeting no people in my first four days here than I am about the lack of Staff. I¡¯m sure the Staff are born out of nowhere in some way, like test-tube children of the complex. People are different though. Do we all start in the same place when we ¡°end up¡± here? This place seemed abandoned when I showed up, but there actually seems to be more people here than New York City. I¡¯m being hyperbolic, but I can¡¯t be expected to believe that R&E is the extent of this place¡¯s populace. There¡¯s probably other communities thousands of miles away. Where are all these assholes coming from? I really haven¡¯t thought about this for a long time now, because I¡¯ve been so focused on my own shit, but what is seriously going on out there? How is there not a news coverage epidemic of people going missing in IKEAs? Has there been? I never watched the news very much, so maybe I could¡¯ve missed it, but with how many people I ALONE have seen here so far, I would think it would be hard for me to just stroll into an IKEA. They should¡¯ve made me sign a waiver at the door. I should really ask Elijah about it when I-¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Actually¡­ I don¡¯t think that¡¯s a good idea¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª 8:10 PM. I reached calling-distance of the gate as I passed by the first clock I had used to tell my departure time. ¡°YO!¡± I called. ¡°I¡¯M BACK!¡± I brought the cart to a stop in the middle of the clearing. I stretched my back and shook my legs, only realizing now how tired my feet were. It was enough to steal my focus from the gentle cold front that was poking my skin, in a place where I usually felt no temperature. I swayed back and forth in empty silence, as I didn¡¯t hear a single peep from over the gate. I assumed it blocked out noise pretty well, but it sounded completely barren. I looked to the top, expecting to see someone looking down at me over the edge, but no heads were present. I waited patiently for a minute or two, as I figured they might have to retrieve enough people to help open the gate or something, but I got tired of waiting about three minutes later. ¡°HELLOOOOO?! IT¡¯S¡­ KINDA LATE RIGHT NOW! CAN YOU LET ME IN?!¡± Right about now was the time that one of them would probably pop out and tell me that they had changed their mind, and they weren¡¯t letting me back in. You can leave the food for sure, but go somewhere else before we shoot you dead in the street. I might have been infuriated in reality, but I found the thought of that so ridiculously scornful that it could only be funny. The continued absence of any response contradicted that possibility, though. I just doubted they would choose silence, and miss the opportunity to rub that decision in my face while I was left out here to die. There are way too many people in there that would love to memorize the look on my face when I realized I would never be allowed back in. I walked over to the cart and opened the top Tupperware container, pulling out a cold french-fry to nibble on. I wasn¡¯t hungry, as I¡¯d eaten more today than I had the past two days combined. I just needed something to help me think. Even as close to curfew as it was, I couldn¡¯t really force myself to be stressed about their lack of urgency. If anything, maybe I had fooled myself earlier about their expectations of my side of the punctuality, and they had just assumed I was dead like three hours ago. ¡°Did we have a passcode or something?¡± If we did, I definitely wasn¡¯t told about it. I could just start guessing¡­ ¡°1-2-3-4-5-password-asshole-qwerty-6-7-8!¡± No response. Weird, seems like exactly what Natalie¡¯s computer password would be. ¡°Do I need to say the special character out loud at the end?!¡± My floor began to warble under my feet, as the familiar horn of the apocalypse sounded before me. I tilted my head in annoyance. ¡°Long ass password¡­¡± As the passage made the slightest opening, Roman entered the clearing, brandishing his sword. ¡°Wow,¡± I said. ¡°That was a little quick for you to be the first one out. I didn¡¯t think you could fit through an opening that small.¡± He walked up to me silently, and shoved his left palm into my chest, basically shot-putting me backwards to the ground. I coughed as my back punched the floor. I continued coughing as I lay on the ground, disoriented. ¡°What¡­ the actual-¡° The tip of his sword pressed against my sternum as gently as a butterfly¡¯s leg. I held myself still in its grasp. ¡°Why didn¡¯t you have your hands up, dude,¡± He said down to me, less aggressively than I would have expected. I didn¡¯t follow suit. ¡°Why didn¡¯t I what?! Was I yelling the word BOMB?! You almost made me crack my skull just now!¡± ¡°Sorry,¡± He said. ¡°But you have to listen about the hands.¡± ¡°Oh shit,¡± I heard Sean¡¯s voice say behind him. ¡°Don¡¯t tell me no one told you about that.¡± I lifted my head slightly to see him leaning against a wall with a fireaxe in his hand, his other hand stuffed in his pocket. ¡°Kind of important, right?¡± He added, smiling at me sadistically. ¡°I would¡¯ve just shot you if I had been the first one out.¡± ¡°No you wouldn¡¯t¡¯ve,¡± Roman mumbled tiredly without turning around to Sean. ¡°Cody, you have to have your hands raised away from your pockets and back when you come to the gate. That¡¯s serious, that¡¯s important. You need to follow that rule.¡± ¡°Dude I-¡­¡± I sputtered. ¡°Sure, what the fuck ever, I¡¯ll do it. No one ever said that to me.¡± ¡°Yeah-¡° I heard Elijah gasp as he stepped from the gate¡¯s opening. ¡°I¡­ may have forgotten to mention it, that¡¯s on me.¡± Roman stayed silent for a moment as he slowly retracted the sword, and I sat up on my elbows. He turned around, walking past Elijah. ¡°Yeah,¡± he said to him. ¡°It is.¡± He disappeared back inside the gate. ¡°Sean!¡± I heard him call from behind it. Sean stepped up from the wall, and went to follow Roman, giving me a typically wicked side-eye. ¡°We makin¡¯ room for the cart?¡± He called to Roman. ¡°Or are we trapping them both out here? I¡¯m down either way!¡± As the scraping began again to widen the gate¡¯s mouth, Elijah walked up to me on the floor, and held out his hand. ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡­¡± He said. ¡°I was distracted this morning¡­ can you stand up with my hand instead of standing up on your own please?¡± I couldn¡¯t even tell if I was mad. Most of this could likely get summed up as Elijah being Elijah, and I was a bit distracted by the way Roman had spoken to me just now. All of that to the side though, I recognized that this was just an occurrence of shit happening. Meaning, it was up to me whether or not I wanted to continue being a little much. If anything, I would just pace myself. I blew my hair over my forehead, and took Elijah¡¯s hand. ¡°You¡¯re fine,¡± I said as he helped me to my feet. ¡°You probably ¡®forgot¡¯ to say it in an effort to rebel against your boss. I¡¯m used to you using me to accomplish that.¡± ¡°That¡¯s¡­ fair,¡± He replied awkwardly. ¡°I can work on being a more creative asshole in the future.¡± Behind him, Sean walked back outside. ¡°At least you¡¯re observant, because it is late,¡± He said to me as he passed us. ¡°Let¡¯s get him back inside.¡± ¡°Agreed, don¡¯t wanna let him go chasing a butterfly off a cliff,¡± Elijah replied before turning to me. ¡°Anything cool happen out there?¡± Sean started rummaging around the cart behind me. ¡°Nothing cool,¡± I said. ¡°Just found a really awesome stick.¡° ¡°YO!¡± We both looked behind me to see Sean holding up the broiler fork. ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s the one,¡± I said to Elijah. ¡°WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING TO DO WITH THIS SHIT?! HUH?!¡± Sean screamed. ¡°No hands shown, and he tries to smuggle a fucking weapon in here-what the hell, Elijah?!-¡° ¡°-Sean, chill out,¡± Elijah said. ¡°He probably just thought it looked cool or something.¡± ¡°I mean, I was actually keeping it to kill someone,¡± I said. Sean turned, hurtled the fork far into the distance and strode up to me with his fireaxe, dropping it slightly to get his hand right below the shoulder. He grabbed me by mine, and forced the bit up to my throat. ¡°Come on dude, stop!-¡° Elijah immediately cried. ¡°-Someone? Who?!¡± He pestered me. ¡°Anyone,¡± I said calmly. ¡°Should I have said something instead? Would that have prevented you from holding an axe up to my neck-¡° ¡°-what¡¯s in this goddamn backpack, huh? You got a bomb in there or something?-¡° ¡°-did you not hear what I just said to Roman?-¡° ¡°-If I hadn¡¯t picked that shit up, and you brought it inside, what would you have done with it?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, probably forgot I even had it. I didn¡¯t even use it out there.¡± ¡°Then why do you have it?¡± I felt myself hesitating for a small moment, as I resisted the honesty of recounting today¡¯s incident. To be honest with you, my withholding of information was simply to spite them, and I likely wasn¡¯t appreciating how bad of an idea that was. I was only appreciative of how I was slowly getting better at lying. ¡°Do you think I was using it to play with myself? I had it because I was scared of needing it. I get why you¡¯re mad, so I¡¯m sorry, but if we didn¡¯t need a weapon to go outside, you guys wouldn¡¯t need me, right? It would¡¯ve been nice for you to throw one over the wall after locking me outside.¡° He stared at me silently. I¡¯m sure he could feel my heart beating. I couldn¡¯t get my mind off of it. ¡°How about you and me have our thing be communication from now on,¡± I whispered to him. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah put his hand on my other shoulder, looking at Sean. ¡°I don¡¯t know where this conversation is going, but I gave him the backpack,¡± Elijah lied. ¡°It was just in case he needed the-¡° Sean shoved him away, pushing through the both of us. ¡°Go fuck yourself, Elijah,¡± He said as he walked to the gate, and disappeared behind it. Elijah stood motionless. I kicked my feet awkwardly, waiting for a comment from him that never came. I decided to make one instead. ¡°Yeah I uh¡­ I should¡¯ve known bringing anything else back was a bad idea. That¡¯s my bad.¡± He stayed silent. ¡°And you didn¡¯t have to do that¡­ lie for me,¡± I said to him. ¡°Especially since you¡¯re horrible at it. I know I¡¯m easy to lie to, but most people aren¡¯t as gullible as me¡­ he wasn¡¯t gonna do shit anyway.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Yeah, maybe not. I¡¯m gonna wait a while before taking your advice on lying though,¡± He said slowly. I need holy water. ¡°I can¡­¡± He began without looking at me. ¡°I can help you get that cart to the pantry if you¡¯re tired.¡± I nodded to the back of his head. ¡°Sure,¡± I said. I turned to walk back towards it, trying to hide the smile that Sean had tempted my face to wear. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah had guided me back through town with the cart. He confiscated the backpack (sans notebook), but let me take another water out of the bin as we walked. We met Nikko at the entrance of the pantry, as he took the cart from me, thanked me for my valiant sacrifice, and wheeled it to the back. ¡°Have any specific dinner requests while we¡¯re here?¡± Elijah asked. ¡°I¡¯m¡­ actually not very hungry. Just the water is fine. Is it okay if I just eat tomorrow?¡± ¡°You asking the starving people if it¡¯s alright to not eat their food?¡± We started walking back to the cell. ¡°Did Natalie ever find Margo?¡± I said to him. ¡°Oh¡­ yeah, she um¡­ she found her.¡± ¡°Where is she?¡± Elijah stayed silent for a moment. ¡°Um, my ¡®she¡¯ I mean,¡± I pretended. Elijah turned to me, smiling. ¡°She¡¯s yours now?¡± This is the reward I¡¯ve been repeatedly getting for avoiding sensitive topics around Elijah. ¡°I just expected her to be the one yelling at me when I got back.¡± ¡°Yeah, well¡­ she got a little busy today after you left. She was¡­ checking on someone.¡± ¡°You mean Jen?¡± ¡°Uh, no. Not her¡­.. also, I know I told you about that, but I¡¯d be careful saying that name out loud. If anything, just make sure you don¡¯t say it around Natalie OR Roman. Sensitive topic, you know?¡± It would be quicker to list what isn¡¯t a sensitive topic here. ¡°Hey,¡± He said. ¡°You can walk next to me if you want.¡± I¡­ didn¡¯t really want to. I did though. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I slid down in the chair, feeling like it was a lot more comfortable than I remember it being this morning. ¡°Alright,¡± Elijah said. ¡°We¡¯ll be here to wake you up again tomorrow. Even though I know you¡¯ll probably be awake.¡± That is if I didn¡¯t have a heart palpitation in my sleep. It just wouldn¡¯t stop. My attention was being drawn to every single beat that seemed like it would rocket out of my chest. ¡°But try to get some good sleep,¡± He continued. ¡°You¡¯ve earned it.¡± I rolled my eyes a little, choosing not to mention my current physical fear to Elijah. ¡°It wasn¡¯t that hard, dude,¡± I said. ¡°Anyone could¡¯ve done what I just did.¡± He moved to the doorway. ¡°Maybe,¡± He said. ¡°But you did it. And I know you were sort of¡­ tasked with it but¡­ thank you for today. For doing it, for not running away¡­ definitely for not dying.¡± I lay my arms on the pillow on the table, resting my chin on them as I looked up at him. ¡°Were you assuming I was going to? It seemed like everybody was.¡± ¡°Well, don¡¯t hold that against them. We expect the worst and are pleasantly surprised by anything that happens above that line. Everyone will be very happy to have been proven wrong.¡± ¡°Everyone, Elijah?¡± He shrugged. ¡°A lot of people will be very happy. I¡¯m happy, Margo will be happy¡­ Roman is happy.¡± Was he? I guess I knew he was. That ¡°scolding¡± he served me sounded so regretful, like he dreaded having to do it. Although, if that was really the case, I feel like he could¡¯ve found a way to get his point across without throwing me to the floor. I felt embarrassed by the thought of having his appreciation. ¡°I¡¯d rather he not be,¡± I said. Elijah frowned, and was about to say something before visibly rephrasing it heavily in his head. ¡°That¡¯s not your choice sadly,¡± He said. ¡°Not sure why you would want that either, but your desires are typically an enigma to me.¡± Everything can¡¯t be obvious to everyone. ¡°Yeah well, no one should be too happy yet,¡± I said. ¡°Just because I didn¡¯t die today doesn¡¯t mean I¡¯m invincible.¡± ¡°Sure it does.¡± He smiled, as I imagined what my afternoon would be if I had decided to take my chances outside. ¡°Anyway,¡± He said. ¡°I¡¯ll see you later¡­ are you gonna want breakfast tomorrow? You¡¯d probably get a cramp as soon as you started walking.¡± I shook my head. ¡°I¡¯ll be fine until lunch,¡± I said. ¡°Breakfast is severely overrated.¡± ¡°Dude, I would¡¯ve been feeding you a single grain of rice per day if I knew you could live off it. One grain of rice and four bottles of water.¡± I smiled big at him as he stepped out of the door, dropping the lock behind him. I shed my smile immediately. ¡°Fucking weird bitch.¡± I wish he was a worthless little slug that I could dump an entire shaker of salt on top of. Hopefully he would still scream in his own human voice. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The lights went out some five minutes later, and I was swallowed in a darkness that didn¡¯t take long to tee-up my sleep. I used my excessive fantasies of anger to drift me out the rest of the way. A little Sean here, a little Natalie there, and a big steaming pile of screaming Elijah in the center. Robert didn¡¯t feel as satisfying as he had before, but my subconscious wasn¡¯t picky. A little bit of myself off to the side wouldn¡¯t hurt though. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯m finding it hard to relate to the cold. Wind is beginning to hit like a wimp. One thousand meters until the top. No one else is trekking alongside me anymore. Troublesome breathing. Lazy and tired. Eating my own legs is sounding so appetizing. To quell my hunger as much as to disengage my own movement. Yetis could come and demolish my stubby torso. Of course I would let them. Unless they are planning on making it slow, I¡¯m sure it would be a welcome relief. Risk/reward? How bad could it be in comparison? Every step I force myself to take is how I imagine walking through a lake of broken glass would feel. At least I could give up and float on my back in that lake. Rest in the pain. Teeth sound like a perfect life raft, because swimming is so much work. Saving myself is one thing, saving myself the trouble is another. Trapped one thousand meters from the top. One more harness to undo. Perfect. Part Eight 2/2 ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Cody Camargo: Twenty-nine days in. My heart won over itself without exploding, as I found myself waking up perfectly alive the next morning. I began peeling open my eyes, much too groggy to grasp how the rest of my body felt yet. My attention wouldn¡¯t have taken that long to get there if I hadn¡¯t seen Elijah in his usual reading spot across the room. ¡°E-¡­ Elijah?¡± I groggily moaned. He looked up only slightly to meet my view. ¡°Hey, what¡¯s up man?¡± He looked down to his book again like that should have been the logical end of the interaction. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I¡­ don¡¯t know, what is up?¡± I said between yawns. ¡°I thought I was gonna wake up from someone pounding on the door again.¡± ¡°Well, I wanted to let you sleep in a little,¡± He said without looking up. ¡°Just for an hour or so.¡± As nice as the sleep had felt, I didn¡¯t really like the sound of that. I felt like I needed that hour for more than just time to relax on the road. That hour was a safety net for any fill-in-the-blank contingency. ¡°Is there no¡­ schedule for when I should be leaving?¡± ¡°Are you kidding? Did you see the same Natalie I saw yesterday? You should be leaving about twenty minutes after Dawn each morning.¡± My heart began to feel like it had yesterday afternoon. ¡°But¡­ I slept in? For¡­ an hour? Are you sitting still because the decision for her to kill me has already been made?¡± He smiled slightly as he closed his book. ¡°Actually,¡± He said. ¡°I have a little bit of a surprise for you.¡± I recoiled slightly. ¡°You aren¡¯t keeping this one in your pants, right?¡± He chuckled and slowly stood, walking up to me. He reached down in front of the table, and came back up with a water bottle, placing it in front of me. ¡°You can go out like normal tomorrow. I got permission to do something else with you today.¡± I cautiously took the water bottle. ¡°Okkaaayy,¡± I said as I unscrewed the cap. ¡°Is this the real kind of permission? Or is it the kind you usually tell me about having?¡± ¡°Um, it¡¯s real,¡± He said sassily as I sipped. ¡°Can¡¯t imagine why you¡¯d expect me to lie about something like that.¡± I suspended my disbelief, placing down the bottle. ¡°Whatever, what did you sign me up for?¡± His smile spread wide. ¡°The grand tour!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah took me to the human bathroom. I passively apologized to a late-thirties man about being in there during his time slot. Elijah made me a promise that he would bring up adding me to the schedule. I didn¡¯t put too much faith in that promise. He closed the cornerstone building¡¯s door behind us, as I unscrewed a second water bottle he had given me. ¡°Alright,¡± He said. ¡°I¡¯ll show off the important stuff, and then I actually have to drop you off at the pantry. I have some stuff to take care of, and you¡¯ve been obligated to see what happens in the kitchen. It¡¯s like 11:00 right now, so we¡¯ll go for a solid half-hour. Does that sound good?¡± My heart felt better, but the fear of it was still distracting me. ¡°Huh? I don-¡­ maybe dude-you never really tell me anything in detail until I¡¯m thrust into it. What are we seeing?¡± ¡°Well, you¡¯re a citizen now. A pretty important citizen at that. I wanted to try and let you get to know your home a little better.¡± Home. I was definitely not going to feel comfortable using that word for a while. ¡°So, am I no longer on expositional time-out?¡± He patted his sides as we began walking. ¡°I¡¯d like to keep the questions related to what we¡¯re doing, but I¡¯ll tell you about something I can easily explain in the next two minutes.¡± ¡°How am I supposed to know what¡¯s easy for you to explain?¡± ¡°I can do a game show buzzer if you want.¡± How has this guy not killed me in my sleep? ¡°Okay, so if I asked you to explain what¡¯s up with me being the sudden ninth ¡®member¡¯ of The Omen-¡° ¡°-errr.¡± I huffed and looked to the ¡°sky¡±, balancing to not fall as I walked blind. I thought for a second before looking back down. ¡°Can we do a person a day?¡± I asked. He gave me an incredibly nervous glance. ¡°Hope you¡¯re not expecting a yes or no before explaining what ¡®doing¡¯ means¡­¡± ¡°Backstory.¡± He tilted his head. ¡°You want backstory?¡± ¡°At least a little. Don¡¯t tell me anything that they wouldn¡¯t personally tell me.¡± ¡°Cody I-¡­ you seem to know pretty well that most people here would not currently feel comfortable telling you shit-¡° ¡°-yeah but like general stuff. How they got here. What they¡¯re like-UNBIASED as you can. Maybe what they did before. I don¡¯t know. I don¡¯t want to be living with strangers.¡± ¡°The way to avoid that is usually by having a normal human conversation with them, not by getting a Wikipedia preface from someone who only knows what they¡¯ve chosen to tell him.¡± I groaned. ¡°Is that a no then?¡± He rubbed the back of his neck. ¡°How about I just tell you if the person is someone you should figure it out yourself for?¡± He said. ¡°Super-deal! Not so hard, huh?¡± ¡°Well¡­¡± ¡°¡­ let¡¯s do you,¡± I said. ¡°Okay, let¡¯s start saying ¡®talk about¡¯ instead of ¡®do¡¯-¡° ¡°-What¡¯d you do before getting stranded here?¡± He rolled his eyes and looked away. ¡°Well I¡¯m a pretty talented guy, ummmmm¡­ I was¡­ an I.T. assistant-¡° ¡°-Are you making that up, or did you genuinely forget for a second-¡° ¡°-I forgot my occupational title, Young Sheldon. Shut up and let me monologue. Yes, I was an I.T. assistant, and a kinda shitty one at that.¡± (RA) ¡°Tried turning it off and on again type beat? Were you Roy or Maurice?¡± (RA) ¡°The worst of both. I liked computers a lot, like a lot a lot a lot but¡­ I only liked them because they confused the hell out of me. I worked support for a litigation plant, just one of the physical offices that did record retrieval. It was full of a bunch of people that were either just my age or double it. A.K.A. people who either took their job way too seriously or barely knew they worked there. A.K.A. people who valued their computer¡¯s wellbeing more than my human emotions or people who were completely fine if I wasn¡¯t able to fix their issue for a day and a half. Sometimes I had to help develop their database filing system with this director guy that didn¡¯t understand that there was a point where I technologically didn¡¯t know the sea from the sky. He would put me on these troubleshooting projects where I would just dick around for like four hours, and act like I was following a thread I couldn¡¯t find with Stephen Hawking coaching me. I knew a lot of things that most people who are ¡®good with computers¡¯ didn¡¯t, but I think he knew I was a little untrained. He DIDN¡¯T know I was in as far over my head as I was, even for an ¡®assistant¡¯. I don¡¯t even know how I got that fucking job¡­ Indeed is an idiot¡¯s magic trick.¡± ¡°LinkedIn myself,¡± I interrupted again. He waved his hand flippantly. ¡°You call that a user-interface?¡± I smirked while he was looking away. That was his one time for the day. ¡°Anyway, I think we can skip what I¡¯m like,¡± He continued. ¡°I can¡¯t remove bias from myself, and it¡¯s a little rich to assume that you wouldn¡¯t have your own bias towards anything I claim myself to be or not to be,¡± He sang in old English. And I have to give it to him, he can definitely make a solid point. ¡°What about how you ended up here?¡± I asked in replacement. ¡°What was that day like? You remember?¡± ¡°Do I REMEMBER? You couldn¡¯t scrub that day off my hippo¡¯ with steel wool. You sure we haven¡¯t talked about this already?¡± I nodded as he blew out a sigh. ¡°Let¡¯s seeeeee. Lost my DUI hearing, knew I had absolutely no one to reasonably call about helping commute, and certainly couldn¡¯t afford to Uber or Lyft thirty minutes there and back everyday. I told my job as much, asking if I could have a remote workload. That was a resounding ¡®no¡¯, followed by a pretty immediate termination. Well, they called it ¡®contestable suspension¡¯. It was my job if I could find a way to keep doing it before they found someone else in like a week.¡± DUI? I wouldn¡¯t have pinned him for that in a million years. ¡°¡®Contestable suspension¡¯? That just sounds contractually unethical-they used those exact words?¡± ¡°That bald-headed excuse for a floor manager did, yeah.¡± I felt a guilty urge to relate to Elijah. ¡°Anyway, I gave up on that fight pretty quickly,¡± He continued. ¡°I had a¡­ marginally close friend that worked at one of these places.¡± He waved his hand through the air to regard the beautiful establishment he was referring to. ¡°I was gonna see if he could get me a job, and it was so much closer to home that I could realistically walk if it worked out,¡± He said. ¡°I just needed an in-between, but asking that favor was so daunting. Dude, I was so embarrassed that I walked in and out of every store in the immediate area for like two hours before I worked up the nerve to even set foot in this place. My last stop before ground zero was stress-eating at Dairy Queen.¡± ¡°Five Guys for me.¡± ¡°Now THAT sounds like a last meal request. Wish I¡¯d done the same¡­ I never even saw him. I remember my last thought before realizing something was wrong, was that I had very possibly confused my memory of the location that guy actually worked at. Heh¡­ sometimes I daydream about going back and deciding to give up working entirely. Just busting out the most balls-to-the-wall plan I could possibly conjure. Fucking hitchhike to Indiana, integrate myself into the Amish Mafia, get some thirty-seven year old widow pregnant and focus on organic agriculture until the clock runs out.¡± He smiled to himself for a moment, before it slowly slid away, and he closed his eyes for much too long to call it a blink. I thought of the correct way to proceed and/or end this conversation. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Who¡¯d you leave behind?¡± I mumbled. His immediate and extended silence would¡¯ve been a sufficient indicator that the question was too much. It¡¯s Elijah though, so instead¡­ ¡°¡­errr,¡± He buzzed dejectedly. Hint taken. ¡°Alright,¡± I said. ¡°Is this tour gonna be a way for you and I to have a conversation that doesn¡¯t end depressingly? Because I think we need that.¡± He turned to me, smiling again. ¡°Think we need a tension breaker? The strip club is right down this street.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah showed me The Infirmary. ¡°You should hopefully never need to know this building exists.¡± I had a fifteen-bullet-point list of incredible ways I could¡¯ve responded to that to make him feel guilty. Instead, I just silently stared at him, slowly rubbing my rib. ¡°¡­ again anyway,¡± He said. The Infirmary was in the heart of the town square, the dry fountain resting in its courtyard. Certainly not the easiest building to avoid acknowledging the existence of. It appeared to be the tallest building in R&E, boasting three stories with a balcony reaching out of the third floor. The scaffolding that supported it was quite similar to that of the observation deck on the gate. ¡°You guys housing refugees?¡± I said sarcastically. ¡°What¡¯s the average population of a three-story infirmary?¡± ¡°It¡¯s only the first floor. The other two¡­ they¡¯re a secret.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t ask you that part yet.¡± ¡°Anyway, this is Sandra¡¯s domain. Unfortunately, she¡®s becoming pretty stifled in there with our numbers increasing. The Infirmary is just as much an Urgent Care as it is an Emergency Room. We¡¯ve been trying to plan the logistics of moving her into a space that better compliments her needs, but construction projects have gone onto a serious back-burner this past year. I was really pushing for it too. I think this building would be much better suited as a clock-tower.¡± ¡°What priority is going ahead of the needs of your head-of-medicine?¡± ¡°No one. We¡¯ve just recently lost the ability to manufacture like we have in the past. We¡¯ll get into that some other time, but trust me, we¡¯re not putting anybody ahead of her. Not even you, sir.¡± I was just about to request a Chickie¡¯s & Pete¡¯s. ¡°Can I see inside?¡± ¡°Ehhhhhhhhhhhh¡­¡­. nnnnnot right now. That¡¯s a very low-tolerance building. Not only because of the things it¡¯s below, but we have a very strict ¡®only enter if necessary¡¯ rule for everyone except Sandra, who it¡¯s always necessary for. We try not to have people just walking in and out of there. If you wanna get a closer look you could, I don¡¯t know, get in another fight, maybe?¡± ¡°Am I getting your ¡®permission¡¯ to stop using my words?¡± Elijah mimed zipping his lips. I¡¯ve never seen a grown man do that in real life, and I hope to never see it again. ¡°Also, ¡®Head of Medicine¡¯?¡± He said. ¡°I think she would hate that title, but it would be nice to put that on a name-plate.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah showed me The Library. ¡°You CAN, see inside here though!¡± He said. ¡°This is a much more sacred building.¡± He guided me inside a two story building with flower pots in front of all of its windows. Each story seemed to be quite tall, as it looked more like two-and-a-half stories from the outside. Stepping inside, the soft orange light felt like a warm blanket over every blood vessel in my head. ¡°Just in case you somehow hadn¡¯t put it together yet, you¡¯re never gonna see a TV show again in your life,¡± He said. ¡°If you want entertainment¡­¡± He spun around with both his arms wide. ¡°¡­ Welcome to Heaven!¡± I looked around the room full of bookshelves, not only around the walls, but creating long rows across the massive room. Finding an empty spot was rare. ¡°This is¡­ kind of beautiful,¡± I said. He smiled and snapped his wrist. ¡°Wait till you see this shit,¡± He said. ¡°Come on.¡± I followed him deeper into the room, breezing past random titles as they passed, before the back corner of the room led to a staircase that Elijah climbed up like nothing. Of course he did, because it was just stairs. However, I hadn¡¯t really appreciated this being the first time I needed to see the second floor of any building here. You ever seen a dog be trepidatious to climb stairs for the first time? That was me for some reason. I guess it was because of the escalator flashbacks.The stairs were the same random-assortment-construction, but as I took a nervous first step, they felt just as stable as the floor of the vastness. I stepped up a little quicker to follow Elijah. He stayed silently at the top until I slipped up next to him, taking in the coziest room I had ever seen in my life. Full of decorative pendant lamps, half of the floor almost covered in giant bean bags, and the other housing six L-couches Tetris¡¯d around each other like the world¡¯s most comfortable hedge maze. It smelled like lavender and¡­ ginger maybe? Unlike the usual assemblage job of weird random flooring, the room had somehow been fully carpeted by a mosaic rug so soft that I almost felt like I was barefoot with my sneakers still on. The aura I was standing in was making me want to put my hair in a ponytail and fuck whoever could put a cup of hot chocolate in my hand immediately. Even the obnoxious outside-luminescence stayed to the surface of the window, refusing to obstruct the atmosphere. There was what looked like eight people scattered around the room, incubated into what must have been the closest thing to escaping the reality they lived in. It was so peaceful. ¡°The books are always here obviously,¡± Elijah whispered. ¡°But this room is actually a pseudo-schoolhouse every Monday and Friday. It¡¯s not very intensive, just better than pretending a child¡¯s education needs don¡¯t exist. Otherwise, this room is kind of our most treasured possession. There¡¯s no schedule like everywhere else. If everyone wanted, they could overcrowd this room with 130 people at once. We don¡¯t though, it¡¯s like a circadian rhythm the way we all respect the sanctity of the calm silence in here, taking our turns without ever really discussing it with each other. I¡¯ve never been in this building with more than twenty people.¡± A portal back to normality. I couldn¡¯t even imagine how good it would feel¡­ ¡°Would I¡­ ever be allowed to come here?¡± I asked. He shrugged. ¡°Probably, but for now, definitely not without a leash.¡± We walked back downstairs and past a man I hadn¡¯t previously noticed. He was sitting at a desk in the back of the room, reading a book called ¡°Nick Drake: The Life¡±. ¡°That¡¯s Sam, he¡¯s one of the librarians,¡± Elijah said as we moved towards the entrance. ¡°There¡¯s three others. We take the duty of keeping tabs on the books pretty seriously. That guy will kick your ass over losing one.¡± He whispered that last part to me, as I looked back and noticed Sam¡¯s large frame. I was beginning to feel like I was very much on the far edge of the physicality belt curve in R&E. ¡°Do you have to make overdue fees?¡± I asked. ¡°You don¡¯t have your own currency, do you?¡± ¡°Nah, there¡¯s no time limit, but everyone wants to read. You can¡¯t get a new book until you return your old one. If you lose or mistreat the one under your name, you have to kind of appeal for amnesty. It depends on your track record, you might just get stuck with some shitty chores for a week and then it¡¯s forgotten. If you¡¯re a repeat offender, you might get put on hold for a couple days. Might not sound so bad, but I¡¯m sure you know that the feeling of doing essentially nothing for even one day here is like¡­¡± ¡°Prison.¡± ¡°Uhhhh¡­ yeah.¡± We reached the door as I thought about this building. ¡°Sounds like your collective sanity is¡­ unhealthily dependent on this place.¡± Elijah gave me a weird look as he stepped outside. ¡°I thought you didn¡¯t want our conversation to get depressing. Can¡¯t you just focus on how beautiful it is in a vacuum?¡± Well, as beautiful as it seemed, it was nice to know what building I needed to burn to start total anarchy. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah showed me The Church. ¡°I really don¡¯t want you to tell me anything about this thing,¡± I said. ¡°You can¡¯t expect me to believe that this is more sacred than The Library to anyone, right?¡± He cocked his head, as we stopped and stared at the twisted building together. ¡°You would be extremely surprised¡­ and I mean YOU specifically would be extremely surprised.¡± I didn¡¯t know what he meant, but I didn¡¯t want to ask any questions related to this place, so I let it fall into an obscure unknown. ¡°Anyway, let¡¯s not get lost in those reeds,¡± He continued. ¡°I don¡¯t know if you¡¯re religious, but Otto tries his best to give a sermon for those who are, so if you¡¯re interested¡­¡± I don¡¯t know if I¡¯m religious either. Being trapped here was a good reason to see the appeal of God beyond a notion, but my desire to acknowledge that was still in the court of insincerity. I hadn¡¯t had the most respectable history with ¡°God¡±. Whatever, who has? ¡°I think I¡¯d like to figure out whether I¡¯ll be alive for another month first,¡± I said. ¡°Without¡­ God¡¯s help.¡± Elijah shivered a little and began walking away. ¡°Sunday is whatever you want it to be,¡± He said. ¡°If you want to start committing, just put a chair in there somewhere. Everyone who goes has their own, and some couples just have a couch. You don¡¯t have to show up every week, it¡¯s up to you.¡± Just the way God intended, huh? ¡°Do you go?¡± I asked, breaking my rule. Elijah didn¡¯t turn around as he answered. ¡°God gives me the heebie-jeebies. I have an idea that you feel the same¡­¡± God does? I¡¯d have to figure that out, but that atrocity of a building most definitely does. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah showed me Vernon¡¯s Workshop. ¡°I promise we don¡¯t have to spend too much time on this,¡± He said to me. ¡°Vernon is probably busy weaponizing dark matter or something, so hopefully we won¡¯t get stuck into anything too deep.¡± ¡°Wait, we¡¯re going inside?¡± Elijah paused at the door of a one story shack, just about double the size of the cell. It was made out of random materials like everything else, but the walls housed a gradient of texture from left to right. It didn¡¯t make me as uncomfortable as the makeup of the church, but I felt very annoyed by this building. He looked back to me. ¡°What, you¡­ don¡¯t want to?¡± He asked. ¡°Is he in there?¡± Elijah¡¯s face slumped. ¡°He¡¯s always in there.¡± He whispered. I groaned in discomfort. I know no one will believe this, but I hate profiling people. When I met Vernon in the council meeting, I was completely willing to believe that he might¡¯ve just been having a bad hygiene day. The bathroom¡¯s might have running water, but an IKEA bathroom doesn¡¯t have a shower. I¡¯ve seen plenty of showers here, but not working ones. Despite that, I somehow haven¡¯t met anyone here that strikes me as being¡­ musty. The sinks have hot water, and there¡¯s soap everywhere. The option to not smell like shit is readily, and thankfully, available. I would guess that the more persuasive folks in R&E keep that in check. That is all to say, I don¡¯t think Vernon followed those social standards. ¡°Do we have to?¡± I pleaded. ¡°You will at some point in the future, yeah. But¡­ I can just give you the synopsis that Vernon is the person who handles our tools and building¡­ but only the physical aspect of it. He used to have a ¡®colleague¡¯ a year back, someone who handled the design and architecture, the practicality of infrastructure. That is¡­ no longer the case. The two of them worked alongside each other, but not really together. Vernon doesn¡¯t really know how to plan those kinds of things.¡± ¡°¡­ wait, is he¡­ definitely in there?¡± ¡°Yeah, for sure.¡± ¡°¡­ you don¡¯t think he can hear you?¡± ¡°Cody, he can hear my thoughts. I¡¯m not too worried about what Vernon can hear me say.¡± Elijah took his hand off the door and walked past me, welcoming me to step away from the shack with him. As we walked, I made sure we were far enough away before inquiring. ¡°So¡­ what does he¡­ do all day?¡± ¡°Well we have him on call to fix anything that¡¯s threatening to burn a building down. I don¡¯t know if you remember me mentioning the electricity, but it¡¯s dangerous sometimes. He¡¯s the only one that ¡®understands¡¯ it. That¡¯s how he likes to say it, but it¡¯s really that he¡¯s the only one who feels comfortable fucking around with it¡­ that reminds me. Since you¡¯re alive, you clearly haven¡¯t found out you need to be scared of this, so I¡¯ll tell you. If you see an open outlet anywhere, DO NOT TOUCH IT. To be short¡­ it will kill you in what is basically an instant.¡± I stared at him blankly, as I thought about my old idea to find a charger and charge my phone. ¡°Otherwise, he does weird experiments and masturbates,¡± He added in my silence. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah showed me the HR Office. It was another one story building, but had a much more calmly approachable composition than the OCD hypertension of the previous point-of-interest. ¡°This is where you go if you have a non-life-threatening concern. Anyone can come here with an issue and pretend it is life-threatening. Now, a lot of folks are embarrassed about their concerns, a lot of folks don¡¯t like talking, and a lot of folks don¡¯t like talking to Tecca. Since his feelings are mutual, the submissions are urged to be made mostly by way of paper. Tecca sifts through them all and decides what should be brought up to The Omen. Well, Tecca sifts through most of them. There¡¯s some names that he sees and automatically throws away.¡± ¡°Would my name be one of those?¡± ¡°First of all, please don¡¯t submit anything. Second of all, again, you are not a normal citizen. You can just like¡­ voice any concern to us out loud. That way, Natalie can vocally throw it away face to face with you. Third of all, Tecca throws away the requests of people that are not really cognizant of what is and isn¡¯t a pressing concern.¡± ¡°Is it really fair to expect everyone to understand that spectrum?¡± ¡°Not for the first twenty times, no. But I would say after the next forty, the communal hand-holding dissipates a little bit.¡± We walked inside to see what looked like a receptionist lobby. Fake ferns and disgustingly sun-stained brown leather couches neatly littered the room. Anything being ¡°sun¡±-stained in here was an impossibility that made me sure they were made that way. We walked through the room to an open door on the other side. Elijah rapped his knuckles on it as I saw Tecca sitting at a desk in the center. Besides from the typically horrible walls, the spacious office looked just like Don Draper¡¯s stomping grounds. Tecca had his feet up on the desk, reading a book called ¡°Call to Joy & Pain¡±. ¡°Where¡¯s your assistant?¡± Elijah asked him. ¡°No one greeted us at the door.¡± ¡°She¡¯s at the jeweler¡¯s,¡± Tecca said without looking up. ¡°Icing out the shackles I bought her.¡± So cool. Tecca sat up, closing his book and placing it on the desk. He knit his fingers politely in front of himself. ¡°Alright,¡± He said to Elijah. ¡°What¡¯d he do?¡± Elijah looked back and forth between me and Tecca a couple times. ¡°Who¡­ Cody?¡± He said. ¡°Nothing, I¡¯m just showing him around. He should probably know about your office.¡± ¡°Nobody should know about my office-you sure he didn¡¯t inappropriately touch someone?¡± ¡°I-¡­ did you?¡± Elijah said to me. ¡°I can¡¯t really protect you if you did.¡± I glared at him without responding. ¡°Ah,¡± Tecca interjected. ¡°I see. I wasn¡¯t using the proper sensitivity, ahem.¡± He leaned in close to the desk and shook his shoulder before staring me in the eyes. His eyes were so polarizing that I actually felt myself going a little white. ¡°Cody,¡± He whispered. ¡°Did somebody touch you?¡± ¡°What?!¡± I exclaimed like a cartoon. ¡°No! I was not¡­ touched by anyone!¡± ¡°You sure? Listen¡­ I know it might be hard to speak up against someone when you¡¯re scared they might hurt you for it, but if Natalie is abusing you-¡° ¡°-HA!¡± Elijah burst out laughing. Tecca stayed in position, but let a smile spread across his face. ¡°¡­ making you feel as if you aren¡¯t safe,¡± He continued. ¡°I want you to know, your happiness is important. You are loved, you are seen, you are heard.¡± Elijah kept laughing as Tecca de-stressed and sat back in his chair. ¡°Sorry if this is crazy to say,¡± I said. ¡°But I think you guys need an HR department to protect people from your HR department. This building is a bad idea.¡± ¡°You have no idea,¡± Tecca said playfully. ¡°You know what the worst thing about Human Resources in a cosmic IKEA is? I don¡¯t have any resources. I just have a town full of compellingly aggressive humans.¡± So¡­ I¡¯m not the only one who feels that way? ¡°I¡¯m only here for people to know I exist,¡± He continued. ¡°The power of having someone to complain to is like¡­ monumental. Even when your problem isn¡¯t getting solved, it¡¯s better than talking to a wall.¡± That sounded much too emotionally ethical for someone that seemed to not care about your feelings. ¡°Yeah but,¡± I said. ¡°Elijah said people don¡¯t like talking to you-¡° ¡°-thanks for keeping that between us,¡± Elijah quickly said. ¡°What¡¯s up with that?¡± I said, ignoring Elijah. Tecca giggled a little, picking up a pen and twirling it between his fingers. ¡°You¡¯ve met me,¡± He said. ¡°Now imagine you¡¯ve known me for years. Gets old, huh?¡± That was fast. I mean, it¡¯s intimidating right now, but I couldn¡¯t imagine Tecca¡¯s dry humor growing unbearable rather than lovable. Is that really an exhaustion too major to handle? ¡°Also though,¡± He continued. ¡°It could obviously be the homophobia, but I like to imagine we¡¯re past that in this new world. Maybe that¡¯s a naive daydream.¡± I had kind of known, but didn¡¯t want to assign it to him without someone telling me. Some men these days are just really well in touch with their feminine side. I hadn¡¯t known with Chandler until we were like sixteen. Assumption should only be used for snakes and mushrooms. ¡°Doesn¡¯t seem like enough to have kept Elijah away,¡± I said. ¡°Interesting, no?¡± ¡°Dude,¡± Elijah said. ¡°What?¡± Tecca¡¯s smile spread wide as he sat forward excitedly. ¡°This guy¡¯s pretty funny,¡± He said to Elijah. ¡°You should ask Natalie if you can keep him past the free-trial.¡± Holy shit that was such a bar. ¡°I know you walked in on a lax time,¡± He continued. ¡°But I am actually pretty busy today. I¡¯ve gotten just about a million and one people telling me about the broken mirror in the bathroom. I really don¡¯t know why that¡¯s anyone¡¯s concern, and if it is, they¡¯re spending their time on the wrong things in there. Meaning, for anyone who said something about it today, I¡¯m pretty tempted to start ignoring any concern they bring to me about those bathrooms as a whole. Unless it¡¯s like, the person before them keeps missing the bowl.¡± ¡°That seems like a pretty forgiving bar of exception,¡± I said. ¡°You don¡¯t sound very confident about cutting them off.¡± ¡°I use the same bathroom they do, I don¡¯t want it to be gross in there. There¡¯s a priority-it just depends on what they tell me. If someone were to keep overdosing heroin on the toilet or something, then I would probably wait until somebody else handled it. As long it¡¯s not the person right before me¡­ and before you ask, we don¡¯t have any heroin to offer you. That was a joke.¡± The sensitive HR department, everyone. ¡°What are you making that face for?¡± Elijah said to me. ¡°Huh? Was I making a face?¡± ¡°Just a little judgmental one,¡± Tecca said. ¡°Shit, I don¡¯t blame you, but stoicism is important for me. I use it to do my job, not because I don¡¯t care¡­ but it does definitely help that I don¡¯t care.¡± That¡¯s probably why he¡¯s great at doing this job. ¡°You know, you guys have that in common,¡± Elijah said to him. ¡°Maybe Cody can shadow you one day.¡± ¡°Pfff, he¡¯s fuckin¡¯¡­ shadowing me now-short ass.¡± Elijah immediately continued cackling. I stood there embarrassed and angry, because I sadly thought it was pretty funny. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah walked by a small building without saying anything. I slowed and eventually stopped, looking at the large padlock that held the front door handle closed to a post. ¡°Hey,¡± I said. ¡°What is this?¡± Elijah stopped and turned around slowly, bouncing a little on his toes. He was clearly shoving his body language in my face, praying I would speak on it. ¡°What?¡± I said. ¡°Not for me?¡± ¡°This¡­¡± He said as he approached me. ¡°This isn¡¯t mostly for anyone except The Omen¡­ but you should pretend you didn¡¯t see this. I know that¡¯s not possible because it¡¯s you, but it being you is the reason I would like to ignore this. Your curiosity and this building would not¡­ mix well.¡± I stared at him silently. Elijah¡¯s honesty today had been pleasingly unusual for our relationship. It had been nice to have a day of not hating the person I hate. That statement he just made was much closer to what I usually expected from him. That warning was a hook with a worm. For some reason, Elijah greatly desired for me to have a rebellious interest in whatever was inside that building. Of course he did. ¡°Okay,¡± I said promptly. ¡°I was just wondering, whatever.¡± He raised his eyebrows and smiled. ¡°Cool, thank you for your acquiescence.¡± He slowly began to walk away as I had a split second staring contest with the padlock. Cliche as it obviously would be for me to fall for it, it did sound really fun. But not right now. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah walked me to the front door of The Pantry. ¡°That¡¯s all you need for now.¡± He said. ¡°There¡¯s obviously more, but we¡¯ll wait until you¡¯re trusted to hold a pair of scissors to let you worry about it.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t wanna see all the sharp things I snuck into my pocket today?¡± ¡°I¡¯m okay. Margo¡¯s in there, she¡¯ll take you for the next couple hours. I¡¯ll meet up with you later, so be a good boy and walk in there without wandering off.¡± He began walking away before I thought of a good way to yell at him for that. ¡°Can I ask what you¡¯re busy going to do?¡± He turned around and smiled. ¡°Play along here¡­ can I answer that question with a question?¡± I shook my head to say whatever. ¡°Is Elijah going to tell you what he¡¯s going to do?¡± He asked happily. Wow. ¡°¡­ errr,¡± I buzzed tragically. He snapped finger pistols at me as he winked and strode away. Elijah¡¯s choice of when to be belligerently cutesy was beginning to make me distrust the water content in this place. Maybe his staving me off it had previously been a blessing in disguise. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I saw the man, Allen, that had been there yesterday to be back again. I passed by him what was about to be silently. ¡°How ya doin?¡± He said absently without looking up from his book. I stumbled, awkwardly pausing my step and turning around to what was already the back of him. ¡°¡­ fine,¡± I said shakily. ¡°¡­ how about you?¡± He stayed silently distracted for a moment before responding. ¡°Can¡¯t complain.¡± I stared at him for so long that the turning of his page was what shocked me back to life. I slinked away back to where I was headed. I¡­ guess I just wasn¡¯t used to being greeted so politely here. Somehow a redundant passing greeting had become an alien shock to me. I tried to move past it as I walked around the serving counter, which I smelled to be full again. I moved into the entrance of the kitchen, standing on the threshold as I looked inside. All of the counters were littered with trays and Tupperware full of food. The same smell wafted over me from this room as it did from the banquet behind me. In the middle of it all, I saw the back of Margo standing at the marble island, wearing an apron with her hair tied up in a bun. She was barely moving her arms, and I could see the tension in her elbows aiding the meticulousness of her fingers unseen. I heard a gentle vibration of melody coming from somewhere in her chest. It was warm. It¡­ reminded me of mom. I jumped as a hand slapped off the side of my shoulder. ¡°I¡¯ll get his arms, you do the hitting?¡± Nikko called to Margo as he walked by me into the kitchen. He smiled to me before taking a different apron off of a hook to toss over his neck. Margo turned around to see me. ¡°Oh shit!¡± She yelled as she smiled at me. ¡°Check out the voyager! Circaaaaa-I don¡¯t know what year it is.¡± ¡°It¡¯s 203-¡­¡± I started. ¡°4¡­ no¡­ has it been-¡­¡± November¡­ what was it that day? November something, 2034. I didn¡¯t even realize I had skipped Thanksgiving like it was nothing. Twenty-nine days. Well, kinda. I¡¯ve changed a few bodies of time¡­ wait, okay. Warehouse thing, and I started counting the first morning, but what if I- ¡°Dude,¡± Nikko said. ¡°Who cares?¡± He tied up his apron and took a handful of stainless serving spoons out of a drawer. ¡°Time¡¯s man-made. We somehow managed to squeeze the most annoying relationship out of it,¡± He said as he passed behind margo. ¡°Five-day work-week, daylight savings, months with different numbers of days. Jesus Christ what the fuck is a leap-year for?!¡± ¡°Hey, you know we skip a leap-year every fourth leap year?¡± Margo said as she turned back to whatever she was working on. ¡°And every hundredth leap-year, we skip the fourth leap-year skipping of a leap-year.¡± ¡°Like why don¡¯t they just go all the way and get a rib removed,¡± He replied. ¡°To be fair though, it would have been sick to be a Roman discovering the moon.¡± ¡°Can you imagine if Roman discovered the moon?¡± Margo joked. ¡°Probably would¡¯ve evolved us into a race of werewolves, having shirt-ripping contests.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t-¡­¡± I finally interjected. ¡°I don¡¯t think they exactly discovered the moon. It was kind of ¡®discovered¡¯ the second a fish first looked at it.¡± Margo and Nikko smiled at each other before going back to what they were doing. ¡°Actually, it was kind of discovered when¡­¡± Margo mocked in a nasally tone. Fun. I walked further into the kitchen as Nikko stuck a spoon into every one of the five trays that were lined up on the far side of the kitchen. Margo turned to me, still smiling. ¡°Are you a part of The Queen''s Guard?¡± She said to me. ¡°Sit down, you weirdo.¡± The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement. She motioned to a stool on the left edge of the island. I awkwardly slid over to it, slowly sitting down. I had a momentary glimpse where I imagined Eddie sitting next to me. I shook it away as I looked at what Margo was doing up close. A plate was in front of her with two heart-shaped waffles, as she delicately filled each square with a tiny little scoop of quinoa. ¡°That looks¡­ so fucking gross,¡± I said to her. ¡°It¡¯s not bad,¡± She replied. ¡°It¡¯s definitely not good, but I can see why somebody would eat this.¡± Her finger delicately tapped the drop of the spoon, as she managed to not leave a single bead in the bowl each time. Never flicking or scooping. ¡°Who exactly is eating that?¡± I asked. ¡°That would be Allen,¡± Nikko said behind her, as he carried one of the trays out of the kitchen. ¡°Allen is our buffer to make sure that nobody is getting out here early to snatch anything,¡± Margo said. ¡°It¡¯s nice in the hour or so that we¡¯re working, but he mostly just applied because he liked the atmosphere of the Caf¨¦, and wanted to hang out outside of meal hours. You met Allen, right?¡± ¡°Uh, yeah I¡­¡± I actually think we¡¯re even on good terms¡­ Allen and I. Lord knows why. ¡°I met him yesterday. Even though we¡­ didn¡¯t talk. We greeted each other today, though.¡± ¡°Hey,¡± She said. ¡°Did you see the book he was reading today? Was it The Da Vinci Code or was it Calypso?¡± ¡°Ummm, I didn¡¯t notice today but¡­ it was definitely Calypso yesterday¡­ why, do you think he has more than one? Elijah told me how unholy that is¡­¡± Nikko entered back in. ¡°Well, not by the library¡¯s records,¡± She said. ¡°I¡¯m sure he convinced someone who doesn¡¯t read much to reserve The Da Vinci Code and let him read it.¡± ¡°He doesn¡¯t wanna admit to us that he doesn¡¯t understand Calypso,¡± Nikko said as he passed with another tray. ¡°I think he got bored with it days ago, but wants to pretend he¡¯s engrossed.¡± Who¡¯s lying about media-literacy in a place where all you do is read? ¡°Has he lied about that before?¡± I asked. ¡°Nah,¡± She said. ¡°We¡¯re just making fun of him. I¡¯m pretty stuck up about a lot of the books we have too, so I really just pester people about where their heads are at with them, no matter how far through they are.¡± ¡°Can¡¯t imagine why that would make him not be honest with you about disliking a book.¡± She shot me an annoyed smirk, before filling the last hole of the second waffle. ¡°I don¡¯t blame him,¡± She said. ¡°I just like hearing people¡¯s reactions to ones I like. I actually have been trying to work up the courage to¡­ form a book club here, or at least convince someone with better leadership to do it for me. I can¡¯t believe we don¡¯t already have one.¡± Could be because everyone seems to hate each other. She grabbed what looked like a BLT wrap and shook all of its contents out onto another plate, placing the now empty wrap flat next to the waffles. She grabbed a Tupperware container of Lingonberry Jam, and began softly painting the bread with a knife full of it. ¡°Do you make everybody¡¯s weird ass lunch like this?¡± ¡°I do Allen¡¯s. Mine. Elijah¡¯s. Nikko¡¯s if he doesn¡¯t choose to make his own. About fifteen others. Yours. I guess you¡¯ll be fending for yourself now, though.¡± My mind flipped through a montage of the art collage meals that I¡¯d been eating for lunch over my time here. They were all pretty weird, but all weirdly¡­ pretty. Margo reached for a container of bacon, and began breaking up pieces to lay into the wrap. I watched her carefulness in a lull, speaking without realizing I was doing so. ¡°Thank you,¡± I said lowly. ¡°¡­ for¡­ feeding me.¡± She stopped and looked at me. ¡°Yeah, dude,¡± She said. ¡°Of course. You can thank me without sounding that creepy though.¡± Nikko laughed as he walked behind. ¡°So what do you do besides this?¡± I said to her. ¡°Like what are you and Nikko assigned to do?¡± ¡°Just serving mostly, but with pizzazz. It¡¯s sometimes more that we¡¯re just bodyguards for our food. Obviously you¡¯ve been told about¡­ the rationing. I do these stupid detailed meals for the people that secretly agreed to not be fed as often¡­ like um¡­ making it with love to make up for what they¡¯re missing out on.¡± Nikko smiled softly at the back of her head as he passed with another tray. ¡°It¡¯s just something I like doing,¡± She added softly. I stared at Margo as she began chopping up some bits of chicken tenders with the lingonberry knife. This was my second time being in a calm space with her, but she seemed like a side of this world I hadn¡¯t particularly seen before. ¡°Anyway, love only goes so far,¡± She said in my silence. ¡°I try to make these unique, but I guess you know there¡¯s a limit to our inventory that, truthfully, gets old extremely fast. You kind of have to just appreciate that we have food at all, and not wish that we were trapped inside of an infinite Whole Foods instead.¡± She began chopping up some plant balls, mixing in the pieces with the chicken fingers. I¡¯m sure I was facially expressing disagreement after seeing that, as she was quick to follow up to her previous statement. ¡°You¡¯ll get used to it. You have to, it¡¯s not really an option. You know, unless you want to lose your mind within your first year.¡± The phrase ¡°first year¡± had never been used around me, and as calm as I currently was, I almost lost my mind hearing her say it. To ground myself, I finally spoke. ¡°What was yours like?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± She replied. ¡°Your¡­. first year.¡± ¡°Oh, right. Umm¡­.. not fantastic. Nobody¡¯s really is though, and most people¡¯s first year ends on their first day, so mine was a lot better than that.¡± I couldn¡¯t disagree with that surprisingly morbid statement. ¡°Elijah wasn¡¯t here for my first two years and¡­ I think seven months or something so¡­. I was pretty isolated for what felt like a large percentage of that time.¡± Nikko walked by again, looking like he wanted to say something to me, but chose not to based on something Margo had just said. ¡°Tim and Carolette were always nice to me when they were training me for combat,¡± She continued. ¡°But I didn¡¯t feel like I was or wanted to be of any interest to anyone that didn¡¯t need something from me. No one ever did until this guy that handled the mess hall before Nikko or me, Gavin I think it was, offed himself.¡± No one here should ever be surprised by anything I say with the way they casually drop the most dismal thing you¡¯ve ever heard every five minutes. ¡°Natalie practically begged me to take over when there was this stupid fucking mass hysteria that anyone who took his role would somehow end up in the same mental position. Maybe if those idiots knew how to see the signs of someone on the brink, that wouldn¡¯t have ever been a problem, but what the hell ever¡­ even without having any friends, I had to talk to people a lot more once I picked up here. I was terrible at it for a while. I certainly wasn¡¯t doing stuff like this.¡± She sprinkled the mix of diced ingredients onto the wrap. She began rolling it back up as Nikko passed again. ¡°Thinking about food was a creative outlet before this all, but it was hard to be creative or even passionate with, you know, limited resources. I learned to find it relaxing, like something I just did for fun even though it was my ¡®job¡¯. I felt prideful about it too¡­ felt like I was helping people here.¡± She stuck two toothpicks on each side of the wrap before effortlessly sawing it clean into two. ¡°That was basically the only good thing about it though,¡± She said a lot less softly than she¡¯d been speaking for the past two minutes. ¡°I was very you-coded for the entirety of that year. I wasn¡¯t exactly as vitriolic, but I hated it here. And I mean¡­ I¡¯m glad to know the people I have around me in this place, but I still hate it here. That doesn¡¯t really go away¡­ not totally.¡± ¡°Maybe not if you suck,¡± Nikko finally said, passing with the last tray. ¡°I love it here. No taxes. Outside of the emotional ones.¡± ¡°Ha! Your bum-ass probably wasn¡¯t paying taxes anyway,¡± Margo jabbed without turning around to him. Margo slightly shifted the contents of the plate to make room for the last touch. She plucked three Swedish meatballs out of the tray and tucked them into the corner of the meal. She saw my face wrinkle. ¡°You part of the ¡®hell no¡¯ camp for these?¡± She said with a giggle. ¡°Is there a ¡®hell yes¡¯ camp?¡± I asked. ¡°Totally, and I am a proud member. I always called them the Swedish cash crop.¡± She laughed at herself a little, beginning to put lids back onto containers and gather up the utensils. Swedish cash crop¡­ why is that funny? I didn¡¯t want to laugh out loud, but I just thought it sounded clever. I thought about Allen again, and I began to realize that for the past ten minutes, as well as the rest of my time anywhere remotely close to Margo¡­ I had been more than a little bit confused. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Hey¡­¡± I began. ¡°I know this is a rude question but¡­ why are you being so nice to me?¡± She looked back at me, her smile wavering, but not really going away. ¡°Don¡¯t you like¡­ hate me?¡± I asked. She thought for a moment and then looked away, speaking without looking back. ¡°I don¡¯t hate you,¡± She said. ¡°Why, because I look like I hate everyone?¡± ¡°¡­ iiiehhh¡­ partially.¡± I considered backing off and saying that that was basically the entire reason. I should¡¯ve said that she looked like the kind of girl that would usually cringe every time they looked at me, which to be fair, she did. ¡°Well, I hate to be a romantic sheep but¡­ if Elijah likes you¡­ I don¡¯t see why I can¡¯t find a reason to,¡± She said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Really? That¡¯s the reason? That¡¯s it? Does Elijah even like me? ¡°What¡­ just because of Elijah?¡± ¡°Yeah, basically.¡± ¡°¡­ you¡¯ve never disliked anyone he has? You guys have never had an argument at the dinner table about, ¡®I don¡¯t like you spending so much time around X Y Z, I don¡¯t like how you act after seeing them¡¯?¡± I can¡¯t imagine that Elijah hasn¡¯t done that at least once. She giggled a little. ¡°Nope, not really,¡± She said. ¡°Although, he doesn¡¯t really like Robert, and I don¡¯t see anything particularly wrong with him. Outside of being unbearably old.¡± Um¡­ ¡°How old is he?¡± ¡°Fifty-eight.¡± Yeah, they seem perfect for each other. Well¡­ besides¡­ ¡°Does Elijah freak out a lot?¡± Her smile finally faded as she stopped and turned to me. The corner of the island that separated us seemed like a sudden meridian of disparity. I wished I hadn¡¯t said that to her. If she didn¡¯t hate me before¡­ She swished her lips a little, but didn¡¯t start to look angry or troubled, just serious. ¡°He¡¯s got bipolar.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I really, really, really wished I hadn¡¯t asked her that. ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡­ I¡­ I shouldn¡¯t ha-¡° ¡°-no, you¡¯re fine,¡± She interrupted. ¡°I get it, because¡­ I see it. I know what he¡¯s like sometimes when I¡¯m not in front of him. It¡¯s only Cyclothymia-and I¡¯m not-¡­ you know, undermining the seriousness of that it¡¯s just¡­ he could be worse, and I¡¯m happy everyday that he¡¯s not. I¡¯m happy that I have any version of Elijah that¡¯s happy.¡± It didn¡¯t matter if she tried to make it seem okay, I had fucked up. I should¡¯ve already known, first of all, but even if I didn¡¯t, where is it my place to ask his significant other that I barely know¡­ that kind of significant question. I felt so gross¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡­ until she smiled. ¡°You know¡­¡± She said. ¡°They say people with mental illness are usually better in bed-¡° ¡°-Jesus dude I don¡¯t wanna hear that shit, gross!¡± She burst out laughing as I cringed. ¡°Ayo!¡± Nikko called from the other room as Margo swung around. She looked back to me. ¡°Hey, come on, it¡¯s lunch time!¡± She said, before grabbing the decorative plate and sticking a fork in it. She softly swept out of the kitchen, as I slowly stood to follow her. I moved back to the entrance, as I saw her skirting around the serving line to walk the plate out to Allen. She placed it delicately in front of him, putting a hand on his shoulder. ¡°Thanks, Margee,¡± I heard him mumble without looking at her. A giant smile crept over her face. She glanced over to Nikko, who was standing in front of me on the serving line. ¡°Yeah,¡± She said. ¡°Noooo problem, dear-you FIBBER!¡± She snatched the book out of Allen¡¯s hands and waved it up for Nikko and I to see the cover. ¡°Hey come on!-¡± He yelled as he reeled around to us. ¡°-he¡¯s not even following his own list-he¡¯s reading The House On Mango Street!-are you kidding me?!-¡° ¡°-Alright alright alright, it¡¯s not a sin is it?!-I don¡¯t get on your case about your light reads-¡° ¡°-Should I check-out the goddamn Hungry Hungry Caterpillar for you next?! Where¡¯s your shame-is this even under someone else¡¯s name? I didn¡¯t even think to ask Sam if Calypso was available again-¡° ¡°-I HATE AUTOBIOGRAPHIES-and I don¡¯t care how semi it is! If it was about someone who conceptualized The Printing Press or did quantum computing it might be nice but it¡¯s just about an author buying a beach house-¡° ¡°-DID YOU EVEN REA-Oh my God we don¡¯t have time-you missed it-you missed the whole story-congratulations!¡± She handed him back the book as he took it begrudgingly, but I saw them both smiling at each other. Margo walked to the entrance of the Caf¨¦ and stuck her head out. ¡°Alright, come on!¡± She yelled before dipping back inside and jogging over to us. As Allen put down his book and began eating, the entrance slowly gave birth to group after group after group of residents filing into the space. Some sat down at a table immediately, while most grabbed a tray and plate before moving to the edge of the line. ¡°Deacooonnn,¡± Nikko bellowed to the first man in the line. ¡°What¡¯s filling it?¡± ¡°Hey Nikko, let me just get some Caesar and some potatoes¡­ couple fries I guess.¡± ¡°Absolutely lifeless as usual-coming right up,¡± He replied as the man handed him his tray through the opening. Margo took her place further down the line as another man walked up to her. ¡°What happened to the tie-dye idea?¡± He said to her. ¡°She¡¯s working on it,¡± Margo replied with a laugh. ¡°She said there¡¯s a stain in her carpet the size of Massachusetts right now, so I¡¯ll have it on tomorrow. What¡¯s up today?¡± ¡°Garlic Lemon Cod, Macaroni & Cheese,¡± He replied. ¡°Is that weird? ¡°So weird! I love it.¡± She mumble-sang ¡°Corn, corn on the Cod¡± to herself to the tune of ¡°Home on the Range¡±. ¡°Hey Nikko,¡± A flirty girl about Margo¡¯s age said on Nikko¡¯s side. ¡°Hey yourself-you¡¯re still not allowed in here right now.¡± ¡°And I tried my best to stay away too-¡° ¡°-alright, chill out-what am I feedi-¡­ what are you eating for lunch?¡± A forty-something woman walked up to Margo looking kind of unhappy. ¡°Well?¡± Margo said quickly. ¡°I repeated every word almost verbatim... and¡­ you know-¡° ¡°-Good ¡®you know¡¯ or bad ¡®you know¡¯?¡± The woman slowly smiled. ¡°¡­ you know-¡± She said slyly. ¡°-Bitch if you don¡¯t fu-¡° Margo hopped up, shadow punched the air and threw her hand under the opening to dap-up the woman excitedly. ¡°Word equals bond. You need some energy now, right?¡± Margo said happily. I refrained from inserting myself into the scene as I leaned against the side of the kitchen entrance, watching the two of them smile as they spoke to the people that lived like this everyday. As people went to sit, they spoke with whoever was at their table, but let their conversations reach to the groups beside them. It was a shattering polar-opposite to the jagged awkwardness that had seemed to separate every human life I¡¯d come across here. I was definitely under the impression that the camaraderie probably disappeared quite immediately after leaving this room, but standing here, this place was different. Let me not convince you that it was like the real world, as simply the aesthetic reminder of the building was enough of a backdrop to make it a strange contentment, but for what was only a moment, it was that. Contentment. Contentment isn¡¯t a good word, home is better. Home isn¡¯t perfect, home is never perfect. It can still be home. Somehow. Is The Library really the most sacred building? I think it might be something else¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Cody,¡± I heard Margo say. I turned to her as she was shimmying Cauliflower rice next to scrambled eggs. The woman that had taken Elizabeth from me at the gate (uh¡­ Amelia, I think Roman said) was standing across from her. I assumed she had said something to Margo when she recognized me standing there. ¡°Go grab something for yourself,¡± She said, flicking up her head towards the kitchen. ¡°You mean like¡­ a spray bottle?¡± I said. ¡°No, genius. Some lunch. Elijah told me you didn¡¯t have dinner last night. Go eat something.¡± She turned back to what she was doing as I wavered for a moment. Margo had probably realized it wasn¡¯t a good idea to have me so out in the open, but used it as an opportunity to be kind. I kind of would¡¯ve preferred if she had told me to get my ugly ass away from these people¡¯s line of sight. It all didn¡¯t feel right. I almost didn¡¯t like it. It was too much and too fast for my tide to be turning, I needed more time for that. I was fine with calling this a good enough start, but let¡¯s leave it there for today. I slowly turned to return to the kitchen. I walked to the island to see what was there. The container Margo had taken a BLT wrap from had another full one still sitting in it. I opened the top and immediately sank my teeth into the only substantial thing I¡¯d eaten since the run yesterday. I sighed in beautiful relief as my eyes slid closed. I continued in delight. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You makin¡¯ yourself at home?¡± I immediately choked on the bite as I spun around with the rest of it in my mouth. Natalie was standing there with her arms crossed. ¡°You¡¯re priceless,¡± She whispered again as I stood there like a dumbass. It made a lot more sense that Margo had seen Natalie walking into the Caf¨¦, and didn¡¯t want her to see me standing there like it was nothing. ¡°Errwerjer-¡­¡± I garbled before taking a second to swallow what was in my mouth. ¡°I was just¡­ finishing.¡± ¡°So I¡¯m not interrupting you? You need me to turn around so you¡¯re not shy?¡± That¡¯s the Return & Exchange I love. ¡°Margo told me I could.¡± I wasn¡¯t really trying to throw Margo under the bus if this was something Natalie was genuinely mad about, and not just gaslighting me. However, I was really just saying it to push back. ¡°Whatever,¡± She said. ¡°You¡¯re done now. Come on, I wanna talk to you.¡± She turned around to begin walking. ¡°Why can¡¯t we talk in he-¡° ¡°-no,¡± She said as she spun around. ¡°We talk where I say we talk. Put that shit down.¡± She kept walking as I sighed and followed, sadly dropping my ¡°lunch¡±. I trailed her out and around the counter. I made awkward eye-contact with Margo, as she made a regretful face to me. I smiled weakly, as we weaved through everyone who pretended to be happily ignorant of what I assumed were currently the two most divisive people in this community. Wait, I forgot. Not assuming stuff anymore. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Natalie leaned back against the wall of a random, two-story house she had walked me to. She had guided me into the somewhat darkened alleyway between it and the one beside it. ¡°You see Slips before you left the bathroom the other day?¡± She asked me as she whipped her bang away from her eyes. ¡°Bug-eyed kid?¡± She hardened her already apparent glare, but looked away. ¡°Yeah. Him¡­ he broke that bathroom mirror yesterday, the one you told me about.¡± ¡°What, really?¡± I said, kind of smiling. ¡°Did he like excitedly trip into it face-first or something?¡± She looked back to me seriously as I stopped smiling immediately. ¡°He punched it.¡± I should really stop talking to women here. ¡°He has these¡­ manic episodes every once in a while,¡± She continued. ¡°¡­ he¡¯s okay now but¡­ something set him off yesterday.¡± ¡°I had no idea¡­¡± She raised an eyebrow. ¡°You¡­ what? Yeah, fucking duh. Why would you know that? I was just telling you for the sake of it, I wasn¡¯t blaming you for an incident completely unrelated to you. Even though you are a totally insensitive asshole.¡± I already had that talk with myself today, so I don¡¯t need to hear it from the person that pretended Elizabeth had died to get a rise out of me. ¡°Sorry,¡± I said somewhat insincerely. She sighed slightly and looked away again. ¡°It happened here,¡± She said as if she was still mad at me. ¡°Here like¡­ IKEA here?¡± ¡°Yeah¡­ he watched the Caf¨¦ restock one night¡­ don¡¯t do that by the way, if you haven¡¯t already been told. Same thing for the soap in the bathroom, we have a slot that doesn¡¯t move for when it seems to happen.¡± ¡°What¡­ what is it? I thought the food just refilled instantly? What even happens?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, I haven¡¯t seen it. Slips doesn¡¯t even know. He said it felt like having a seizure and then he just¡­ woke up later¡­ it just does something to people. We had someone else that was way worse because of it.¡± From something Margo had mentioned earlier, I think I knew who that was¡­ ¡°What happened to them?¡± I said, already knowing. She kept staring away into the empty distance as her eyes slightly squinted. ¡°I need you to get a new mirror the next time you go out,¡± She said, trying to ignore my question. ¡°You could¡¯ve done it that day you mentioned it¡­ thanks for asking about it.¡± Did she just¡­ thank me? Genuinely? She still wasn¡¯t looking at me, did she even know she said it to me? She does that a lot. Kind of similar to- ¡°And you¡¯ll go tomorrow,¡± She said after a pause. ¡°You can do it every other day.¡± ¡°You sure?¡± I said. ¡°I can do like Monday through Friday or something. I¡¯m fine as long as nothing happens out there.¡± ¡°That¡¯s too much.¡± ¡°I mean, I¡¯m alright for it. I feel a lot better, really. And it¡¯s only gonna- ¡°-You will do every other day. I misspoke, it¡¯s not your choice. I¡¯m saying it, so you¡¯re doing it.¡± She really likes to do that. I would¡¯ve dropped it with a simple ¡°No, just do it every other¡±. We stood in silence for a moment. She seemed like she was thinking of the right way to say something, so I gave her some time by interrupting her. ¡°Hey,¡± I said. ¡°Can I ask if I¡¯m allowed to know something?¡± She didn¡¯t roll her eyes, just tapped the heel of her foot slightly. ¡°What?¡± I took my own time to decide if I should actually ask. That was something I was having a lot of trouble gauging today. ¡°Did you choose for Margo¡¯s new buddy to be Nikko?¡± That did make her roll her eyes. ¡°Did Elijah complain to you about that behind my back?¡± ¡°Nnnnoooo, we actually didn¡¯t talk about it at all, and I didn¡¯t want to¡­ I was honestly asking because¡­ I could see why that would make him unhappy.¡± ¡°If you think about it like a middle schooler maybe, which is what he¡¯s doing. Margo and Nikko are together more often than Margo is with anyone from the Gate Formation. It¡¯s logistical, and even if it wasn¡¯t, it¡¯s about you and Elijah, not just Elijah, and certainly not just Margo. That¡¯s what he doesn¡¯t want to understand.¡± I understood, but as someone who¡¯s had a troubled¡­ romantic past (God, sorry, give me a minute), I also understood Elijah. That doesn¡¯t mean I didn¡¯t agree that he might be overreacting, it just means that I¡¯ve felt what I know goes on in Elijah¡¯s head when he sees those two together. Just to say it, Nikko is a very attractive man. Yeah, I was there, but that¡¯s as good as the two of them being alone together. I saw the way him and Margo are first-hand. I saw how he made her laugh, and vice versa. I saw the way he looked at her, it wasn¡¯t predatory. It was soft. ¡°You shouldn¡¯t have said that to him yesterday,¡± I said. She sneered. ¡°I¡¯ll let you know when I¡¯m taking your advice on what I should or shouldn¡¯t say to people.¡± Hypocrite¡¯s bottomless pit¡­ ¡°Do me a favor too,¡± She continued. ¡°Make this conversation the last time you talk to anyone about that shit.¡± Don¡¯t gotta tell me twice, I didn¡¯t like thinking about it. I mean, I kinda did but¡­ I didn¡¯t like that I liked it, ya follow me? ¡°Can I-¡° ¡°-I was¡­¡± We both went awkwardly quiet again as we accidentally spoke at the same time. Did she finish thinking about what she was saying? ¡°You can-¡° I began before she purposely spoke over me. ¡°-Just hurry the hell up. Say it.¡± It was better than being told to shut up, I think. ¡°Do you¡­ have my phone still?¡± I asked. ¡°Yeah,¡± She quickly replied. Um¡­ ¡°Can I¡­ like¡­ have it?¡± ¡°Not right now, are you done?¡± Done what? Hoping? I guess so, dude. ¡°Yeah,¡± I said shortly. She pushed up from the wall to stand, unfolding her arms. ¡°Listen,¡± She said. ¡°¡­ you¡¯re gonna live with me from now on.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª My nervous heart-flutter immediately reappeared as that statement destroyed my equilibrium. ¡°¡­ what?¡± I said. ¡°Not tonight, you¡¯ll still-¡° ¡°-I Don-¡­ what do you mean?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want you in that cell anymore. You¡¯re gonna live in my house.¡± My heart was going insane. ¡°Why-¡­ we wouldn¡¯t be-¡­¡± She tilted her head in confusion, before going red with her mouth agape. ¡°IN A SEPARATE ROOM YOU FUCKING IDIOT!¡± I had never heard her scream in desperation. ¡°Idiot¡± was undershooting. I deserved that. ¡°I was¡­ I was just joking-¡° ¡°-No you goddamn weren¡¯t-you¡¯ve said shit to me in that room that I should kick your ass a second time for!¡± The saliva thing, please tell me that was it. I can¡¯t even remember¡­ ¡°Christ-¡­¡± She kept yelling before cutting herself off and walking up the alleyway a ways. She stretched herself back, running her hands down her scalp until they rested around her neck. As she caught her breath and turned around, I fought to not look down at the part of her body that position was accentuating. ¡°Vernon is making a lock for the door of that room,¡± She said. I clung onto the hope of reversing her anger. ¡°Oh, I thought he was just masturbating¡­¡± She stared at me emptily. ¡°Be so honest with me,¡± She said. ¡°On a scale of one to ten, how funny do you think that was?¡± ¡°I just¡­ Elijah said it earlier-¡° ¡°-Okay, let me tell you something here. You telling me that something you do is inspired by somebody else is not making it any harder for me to get mad at you, so stop doing it.¡± I shouldn¡¯t even keep responding. Trying to smooth over a conversation with Natalie is like putting a deadbolt on a wide open door. But speaking of locked doors¡­ ¡°Why do you want me out of the cell?¡± I said. ¡°You don¡¯t seem like you¡¯re on your way to trusting me.¡± She crossed her arms again. ¡°I¡¯m not, but if you¡¯re going to be in a house, I don¡¯t want it to be anyone else¡¯s. I don¡¯t want you to have the ability to get to someone in their sleep-¡° ¡°-Well then why are you taking me out of the cell at all-just leave me in there-¡° ¡°-Do you want to be in there?-¡° ¡°-of course not, but when did what I want become something you¡¯re concerned about-¡° ¡°-if you¡¯re-¡­ if you¡¯re gonna be here, you can¡¯t always be a snake in a box.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not a-¡­ are you avoiding saying the words ¡®rat in a cage¡¯?¡± She rubbed her head furiously and began walking away. ¡°Go back to the Caf¨¦ or I will track you down and skin you to goddamn ribbons-¡° ¡°-who have you ever heard say ¡®snake in a box¡¯?!¡± She flipped me the middle as she disappeared around the corner. I breathed in fully for the first time since she had appeared in the kitchen. Everything is such a fucking game. Getting apprehensive about Margo¡¯s friendliness must have set off Natalie¡¯s spider-sense of not being the most irritatingly confusing human in my life for two isolated seconds. Now she¡¯s run to the rescue of her number one spot. I don¡¯t even wanna sit here going in a mental circle of what every single stupid word she had said meant. I mean, I do, because I really like thinking about her¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯m gonna punch a fucking wall. I began storming out of the alleyway, stopping for only a minute to look back at what I thought was possibly revealing itself behind me now that Natalie was gone. That¡¯s not what I¡¯m worried about right now, I¡¯m worried about some accountability. I practically ran to catch the back of her head far in front of me. ¡°HEY!¡± I screamed to her as she stopped without turning around. ¡°WOULD YOU JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME?!¡± She stood motionless. ¡°This is ridiculous-if I¡¯m gonna ¡®be here¡¯, then stop speaking to me like it¡¯s killing you!¡± I added. She swiftly turned around, rubbing her jaw as she strode back up to me. I wasn¡¯t blind, I could tell that she didn¡¯t look happy. So be it, it¡¯s the only way to make her listen. ¡°You gonna punch me now? Put a gun up to my-¡° She reached me, grabbed me by the collar with both hands and threw me into the front of the house we had previously been in the alleyway of. ¡°Get in,¡± She said way too calmly as she pointed to the front door. ¡°Now.¡± She didn¡¯t even look mad up close anymore, she just looked tired. I looked between her and the door a small enough amount of times to not make her ask again, and then I carefully turned to it. ¡°Who¡¯s house is-¡­¡± I stopped my idiotic question. I took the doorknob in my hand and slowly opened the house. I stepped inside to see what looked like a coke dealer¡¯s house if it was made by people on coke. It looked like they had made Natalie¡¯s living room out of a kitchen display, but implied it was a living room by putting a couch on the left wall. The entire back half was just a beige tile kitchen. A square pillar of wood stood in the center of the room, with the staircase beside it. ¡®Natural¡¯ light flooded in from a window on each wall of the room. I felt hands on my back push me inside, as I had been standing in the doorway for way too long. ¡°Alright alright- ¡°-go upstairs.¡± I slowly obliged. ¡°This is¡­ this is nice.¡± ¡°Shut up.¡± Maybe ¡®shut up¡¯ was what I actually preferred. It¡¯s better than the mystery. Like, am I going upstairs so my blood stains can¡¯t be seen by anyone else who¡¯s visiting or walking by the windows? Only one way to find out. I climbed a staircase for the second abnormal time that day, until I reached a hallway that was about one body long on the left of the landing. With a door on one side, a window in the middle, and a door on the other side, both doors opening all the way would definitely result in them scraping against the other. I turned around to her. ¡°Which door here is the one that won¡¯t make you wanna kill me when I open it?¡± ¡°Too late. Right.¡± I nervously walked up to the door. It opened to a room smaller than the cell, but that seemed a little nicer. There was a bed, an honest to God bed, in the center of the far wall. A window was over it, a six-drawer dresser was to the left of it, and¡­ that was¡­ just about it. ¡°Is there a lock on that?¡± I said to her. ¡°If I wanted to escape, could I hurtle my bloody body out of the window like Bruce Willis?¡± ¡°The window doesn¡¯t open. Are you asking if there¡¯s a lock on glass?¡± I would guess the window in the opposite room had a nice view of town, because this window had a legendary view of the R&E wall and nothing else. It was okay though, because it didn¡¯t feel like a prison. Just the normal blanket of uncanniness that tucked in everywhere else here. What felt weirder to me was the knowledge of what this meant. I turned around VERY slowly to her. ¡°So¡­ you sleep right there?¡± I asked as I pointed to the other door across the sad excuse for a hall. She nodded without speaking. ¡°And¡­ where does Elijah sleep?¡± I added. ¡°Not here.¡± ¡°¡­ so¡­ what¡¯s logistical about Elijah being my new partner if you chose to put me here?¡± ¡°Elijah and Margo live together, I¡¯m not trying to make you his husband-¡° ¡°-Yeah I-ugh. I know. I¡¯m saying¡­ out of every place you could have put me in a locked room, why is it across from you?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll show you.¡± She pushed past me into the room. She walked to the backboard of the bed, right next to the window and looked back at me. I slowly walked over before she could ask me what I was waiting for. As I stood before her, she pointed to the small sliver of space between the bed and the window. Warily and awkwardly, I stepped between her and the area she was referring to. On the wall right below the window, there was a small, strangely ominous hole. It wasn¡¯t flooding with light like I would expect it to be for being just inches away from the outside of the house. It¡¯s as if there was a tube or tunnel to something outside the house that I hadn¡¯t seen. I turned around. ¡°What¡­ what is that?¡± ¡°That¡¯s the alarm.¡± ¡°¡­ for¡­ me to wake up in the mornings so I don¡¯t oversleep?¡± ¡°That would be me. You don¡¯t need an alarm for that.¡± Would¡¯ve guessed that myself if I never found out the hard way. ¡°So¡­ alarm for what then?¡± I said. It was like her expression darkened without anything physically changing on her face. ¡°For when someone¡¯s at the gate.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I don¡¯t know what you mean,¡± I said. ¡°You don¡¯t need to say that every time, I can read it on you,¡± She said. ¡°I-¡­ wait is-¡° ¡°-Patrick is dead.¡± I stepped back instinctively. Her bluntness had scared me, but let me be clear, I was fucking pissed. I don¡¯t care what Elijah says, I do blame myself, but I am so damn tired of hearing that name. ¡°Okay, what are we talking about here? Do you want a fucking apology for that? How about two hand tattoos that say ¡®Patrick¡¯s Blood¡¯ so I never have the ability to live it down.¡± She stayed silent. ¡°Is that what this is about?¡± I added. ¡°Is that what you and me are about? Fuck that fight, fuck whatever that-¡­ fuckin¡¯ childish ass ¡®interview¡¯ shit was. Is that why you hate me so much? Because of Patrick?¡± ¡°Is this your awakening moment? Had you somehow not thought of that before?-¡° ¡°-It¡¯s fucking all I think about! I don¡¯t even remember what his face looks like and it¡¯s all I think about when I see how you people look at me! The way you look at me! The way you speak to me. What would you like me to do?¡± No answer. ¡°Look, I am so goddamn sorry-Jesus Christ-that word is such a useless little third-rate excuse for what it is that I am and I don¡¯t even need to know what he meant to you becau-¡° ¡°-it¡¯s not about him. It¡¯s about Jen¡­ you hurt Jen.¡± I took the turn of silence. ¡°You have no idea what you did to her-¡° ¡°-I do-¡° ¡°-the fuck you do- ¡°-Elijah told me. She¡¯s depressed- ¡°-That word is what¡¯s really useless. She¡¯s not depressed, she¡¯s eradicated.¡± There was a very serious drop in my stomach as I heard a layer of emotion in her voice that I had never heard before. ¡°I don¡¯t even know where she is when I look in her eyes,¡± She continued. ¡°I don¡¯t care what you think you know from that room. Do you know what it¡¯s like to look at your best friend like that? Do you know what it¡¯s like to see someone that you love being sucked out of themselves in a place you can¡¯t cut the power off from?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª No. In short. Not from anyone I¡¯ve truly loved. Not even anyone I thought I loved. Definitely not someone I would call my best friend. She stepped closer to me. ¡°Your little ¡®sorry¡¯, is practically a joke. So stop fucking saying it, and give me the time to get over it myself. If you want to prove that you¡¯re ¡®sorry¡¯, stop making it worse by constantly being the most confrontationally unconcerned little bastard I have ever met in my horrible life. Acting like everybody else owes you an apology for something clearly unrelated that you¡¯ve been carrying around like a reverse kick-me sign. When you get your miserable ass the fuck over that, I¡¯ll start wholeheartedly working on getting over this. Until then, that¡¯s what you and I are about.¡± Welcome home, Cody. ¡°Okay,¡± I said shortly. She took a moment, before beginning to walk away to the door. ¡°You¡¯re replacing him in the formation,¡± She said before stopping at the doorway and turning back around to me. ¡°Tim and Carolette will teach you how to fight, you¡¯ll start watching the wall, and when someone comes to it while you¡¯re not there, an alarm will come out of that hole loud enough to break that glass before you throw yourself through it. We¡¯ll talk about this more later. Go back to the Caf¨¦.¡± She walked out of the room without waiting for me. Is that what passes as a reasonable excuse for the way she bomb-dropped that? I guess I had done the same with Nikko earlier, not knowing how close he was to Patrick, but I was basically just saying the guy¡¯s name. She had said that with the express purpose of angering me. Her admission to a buried willingness to better our relationship was nice to hear, but I¡¯ll be honest, with the way Natalie uses my emotions against me, I don¡¯t think I want a better relationship with her. I¡¯ve had and still am having a lot of bad moments with a pretty big list of people here, but none of them are based on the same kind of genuine rage that I somehow end up feeling after every interaction with this girl. If not rage, then fear. I dislike a lot of R&E because of myself¡­ I¡­ I kind of hate Natalie. I hate Natalie because of her. To call the kettle black¡­ I think she is simply a bad person. I don¡¯t want the two of us to get better, no matter how much lack of concern that requires of me. I took a moment to look around before making my way to the door. The second I made the turn to reach the stairs, I jumped out of my skin to see her standing there menacingly. ¡°Just to be clear,¡± She said. ¡°I¡¯ve been fantasizing about killing you. A lot. Not playfully. Perversely. I even started dreaming about it a couple nights ago. Some days it¡¯s the only thing I think about. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. It¡¯s not really about your pain, it¡¯s about my assurance that the life in your body is made as worthless as the rest of you.¡± We stared at each other for a moment before she made her way down the stairs and calmly out the front door. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Cody Camargo: Thirty Days In. This is going to be my last entry for a while. I¡¯ve realized that I¡¯ve just about run out of space in this notebook, and I¡¯m going to have to find another one to continue in. I will, by the way. I will continue. That being said, I¡¯ll keep the events of this day as brief as I comfortably can. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I woke up hearing it before Natalie even started banging on the door of the cell. Kanata had been barking her head off in the distance for what must have been over an hour. Natalie opened the door hastily as I groggily stood. ¡°Get it out of here before I decide I¡¯m an experienced taxidermist-¡° ¡°-Wha-I don¡¯t even know what she¡¯s barking abo-it¡¯s a she, stop calling her ¡®it¡¯-¡° ¡°-Cody, I¡¯m going to either kill that dog myself, or it¡¯s getting put back outside to never come back in- ¡°-This is the first time she¡¯s done this, right? Don¡¯t go full send over it-I¡¯m sure she¡¯s gonna calm down-¡° ¡°-Amelia didn¡¯t sign up for taking care of a dog, and Lizzie lets that thing run fucking rampant. It¡¯s not just the barking it¡¯s the shitting and the gnawing and the hiding-it keeps slipping out of their door and hiding places to scare the shit out of people that keep forgetting there¡¯s a fucking dog here. I¡¯m done-¡° ¡°-Okay okay okay, let me take her out with me today. It¡¯ll get her some kinda fresh air and she can just get some energy out. I¡¯ll feel safer with her anyway-¡° ¡°-Now. She needs to go now-¡° ¡°-Alright, now it is. Take me to her-¡° ¡°-No, go to the gate, I¡¯ll bring her to you.¡± ¡°Sure¡­ thanks for calling her ¡®She¡¯-¡° ¡°-shut up, Cody.¡± She stormed back out of the room. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I waited at the gate with Elijah for about ten empty minutes. After he had returned the backpack to me, we had talked slightly about my time with Margo. I tried to avoid even mentioning Nikko¡¯s name. ¡°Tell me about Evelyn today,¡± I eventually said to him. ¡°Uhhhh, Evelyn is fine but¡­ she¡¯s got a very ¡®citation needed¡¯ kind of summary. She showed up with Roman, that¡¯s why he acts like her adopted grandson. Apparently he had found her out there in the halls on the day he got lost. They had been walking slowly to R&E together after seeing it on the horizon, and the lights went out when they were a twenty minute walk away. Roman had apparently carried her fireman-style as he ran the rest of the way with all the staff behind them. I obviously wasn¡¯t here to see it, but I heard it was just about the most majestic thing you¡¯ve ever-¡° ¡°-whole lot of Roman in my Evelyn story right now-¡° ¡°-Sorry sorry okay. She¡¯s a ripe eighty-one-¡° ¡°-don¡¯t ever say that disgusting ass word about a human again please-¡° ¡°-but she got here at seventy-one. She was actually still a teaching assistant back then, never got the chance to retire. She even helps with the schoolhouse every once in a while, but she has some days where she isn¡¯t a big people person.¡± Sounds like a natural pillar of the community. ¡°She never married from what she¡¯s said. She likes to ambiguously refer to some guy called Fletcher, but who knows if that was her honey pie or a mailman she had a crush on. I don¡¯t like to think about it either way.¡± ¡°Okay, what¡¯s ¡®citation needed¡¯ about that?¡± ¡°Well she um¡­ she claims to be a Gulf War vet.¡± ¡°No shit¡­¡± ¡°Shit¡­ you know, ostensibly. Auxiliary Corps. She says she wood stake-out traffic points to help them move into Kuwait. Not exactly front lines, but she talked about it like it was some pretty serious shit. Again, this is whispered down the lane, because she doesn¡¯t talk nearly as much as she used to, about anything really, but especially not that. I wouldn¡¯t say her mind is going anywhere, I think she¡¯s just tired. This place would do that to anyone, let alone a veteran. I¡¯d expect to be high-strung enough just from being here at all, and¡­ well, there are some other things you should ask her about for yourself anyway, but with how much hysterically untenable shit has been going on here this past-¡­¡± Elijah trailed off as we began to hear a heavy panting approaching us from town. ¡°Goddammit!¡± I heard Natalie screaming far in the distance. ¡°Uh oh,¡± I said. ¡°That¡¯s probably gonna be bad for me.¡± Out of the blue, Kanata burst into the courtyard as she galloped up and planted herself at distinguished attention before us. ¡°Hey girl,¡± I said nervously. ¡°What have you-¡° I had noticed that Kanata had two chicken fingers in her mouth in the same instant that she darted backwards the way she came. Before she disappeared again, she looked back at me, expecting me to follow her. I had wondered where she was going at the same time as I wondered why she had stolen food and not immediately devoured it. My two questions answered each other as I made the connection. ¡°Heh, what is he doing?¡± Elijah said with a chuckle. ¡°It¡¯s a she¡­¡± I mumbled. ¡°What¡¯d you say?¡± He asked. ¡°I said-¡° ¡°-Fucking grab her!¡± Natalie screamed as both her and Kanata re-entered the courtyard. Kanata ran up to me and hid behind my legs, before beginning to bark up a storm towards Natalie. I felt like Kanata should have been smart enough to recognize that I was not a proper line of defense against the monster that had just been chasing her. ¡°Shhhh,¡± I shushed as I turned around to pet her. ¡°Come on, stop that-¡° ¡°-She¡¯s done,¡± Natalie said as she panted behind me. ¡°I swear to God, she¡¯s gone. Get her out, right now-¡° ¡°-wait wait wait,¡± I said as I stood and walked to Natalie. ¡°I¡¯ll tire her out, she¡¯s been used to living out there in the emptiness. She probably did nothing but run around all day-¡° ¡°-Say whatever you want, but bring her back at your own risk. Because if she pulls any more ridiculous shit like that, I will make Elizabeth watch me toss her and you over the top of the gate.¡± She began storming away. ¡°AND FIND A FUCKING LEASH!¡± Not the healthiest morning of conversation for what Natalie and I were defined to be. I watched her in a daze for a while before turning around to Elijah. He was knelt down on the ground, petting Kanata as she panted happily. ¡°She¡¯s probably just a cat person,¡± He said without turning to me. He stuck his tongue out and shook his face as he did the same to hers. Their resemblance was uncanny. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Kanata walked beside me, suddenly completely calm in this environment we both shared a much harsher memory of. Every once in a while, the wheels of the cart would move in a strange way that seemed to startle her, but she mostly stayed silent and alert. I kind of wished she hadn¡¯t. I had anticipated that Kanata would keep me distracted, and without the frantic behavior she had woken R&E with this morning, I was alone with my thoughts. I thought about Evelyn spending the final act of her life gracefully wilting in Return And Exchange. I tried to imagine her younger face, dressed in a baggy green-camo jumper, somewhere in a desert of the Middle East. My mind¡¯s eye tried to tear up with sonder, and imagine the colorful life she was living before being locked in this repetitious nothingness. That sounded like such an anticlimactic downgrade. I¡¯ve been referring to it in my head like that a lot recently. Nothingness, emptiness, barrenness. Despite how filled to the brim with detail the ever-unique layout of it is, this world has begun to feel very vacant to me. I suppose there wasn¡¯t much stopping it from feeling that way before, besides from the sore thumb full of intolerant drama-queens. I think I was just bored. Maybe I''m just tired? That¡¯s what everybody says here, right? I was generally becoming very unhappy. It seems way too late to be using the word ¡°becoming¡±, but I¡¯m not depressed or sad. Though the past two days had heavily tempted it, I¡¯m not even really angry. It¡¯s just that I couldn¡¯t feel happy. Everything that was presenting itself as a clear hook to some kind of euphoria was never catching in my cheek. In brutally honest reality, I had experienced more things to be happy about in the past week alone than I had in the entire rest of the ¡°month¡± I¡¯d been here. It wasn¡¯t adding up though. I felt like there was just something blocking that synapse from firing. I kept trying to work out what that was, but every time I dug around back there, I kept getting jump-scared by Natalie¡¯s face, plastered over every emotion I was still capable of feeling. She seems to have successfully stolen me from myself. Apparently that feeling was some-kind of mutual. I¡¯m definitely not thinking about murdering her everyday, but I think about her a lot. What truly tied us together in that regard, is that I¡¯m sure it¡¯s against both of our wills. It¡¯s clear that we¡¯ve sort of become the bane of each other¡¯s existence, to a point where the fixation on the other is not so much a choice as it is a symptom of our proximity. Maybe her mind just works faster than mine. I could possibly begin having the murder fantasies quite soon. Well¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I obviously can¡¯t lie to you and say that I don¡¯t have times where I enjoy thinking about Natalie¡­ But in my head, it¡¯s never the Natalie I know in real life. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª We arrived at the Caf¨¦, as Kanata trotted into the fold in a still complete silence. I tried to scope out the area quite thoroughly before feeling comfortable, using Kanata¡¯s silence to audibly sniff for wet footsteps. After I heard nothing for a couple minutes, I also realized that Kanata would most definitely hear a disturbance long before I ever would. I leaned against the serving line as I looked at her. She had taken up a spot on the floor, sitting up and watching me. ¡°You umm¡­ you hungry?¡± She didn¡¯t yip, and didn¡¯t move. Out of not only fear of The Staff, but the reunion with my outdoor buddy, Ted Bundy, I had been scared to speak to Kanata as we walked. We hadn¡¯t really seen each other since that last night out here, and I remember us having a little bit of a better connection. Even after¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She stared at me as I began feeling incredibly awkward. Look, I know I¡¯m talking to a dog, and she doesn¡¯t really understand me, but I felt like we both understood that there was an unspoken tension between us that I hadn¡¯t had the chance to address, let alone resolve. I can still remember that horrible sound she made when I had kicked her, and it made me sick. I slowly approached her. ¡°Hey, listen I¡¯m-¡­ I¡¯m sorry.¡± She stayed silent as I kneeled down to her. I ran my hand over her head and down the crest of her neck. ¡°I know you understand why I did it because¡­ you helped me even after I did it, and I love you for that. I¡¯m an idiot, and I don¡¯t know how to think critically, so I just¡­ did something ridiculous to feel like I was doing something meaningful, because that felt like what it took to be that unrealistic hero for her.¡± She stared into my head blankly. ¡°You didn¡¯t deserve that¡­ I wish I had done it to myself¡­ I definitely wouldn¡¯t have been able to get away like you did.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Kanata was unresponsive. She refused to nuzzle herself into my petting. ¡°Kanata?¡± I ran my finger down her nose, and was about to boop it, when I began hearing the low growl that was rumbling in her. I should¡¯ve known to take the hint and just get the fuck away from her, no matter what our history of shared experience was. I should¡¯ve understood that the concept of personal space should go double for someone with teeth like Kanata¡¯s, and especially for someone that clearly did not want to accept my apology for something pretty heinous. But of course, I continued my trend of having absolutely zero social cues whatsoever, and proceeded to make my worst physical mistake since getting in Natalie¡¯s face in the cell. I booped Kanata¡¯s nose. ¡°Boop,¡± I audibly said. Kanata¡¯s teeth showed for only a moment of final warning, before she lunged to the side, and sank her entire mouth of fangs into my right arm. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I guess she could smell that Natalie had already marked her territory on my left. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I fell backwards screaming, as Kanata stayed completely lodged into my forearm, snarling viciously. I tried to rip my arm away, even tried to pry her head off with my other hand, but I could feel the tip of her canines scraping against my bone. There was no getting her out unless she wanted out. Or unless I wanted to start trying to hit her. I considered that, I did¡­ ¡°KANATA! STOP!¡± ¡­ but the same moment I started to consider it¡­ ¡°KANATA!¡­ Kanata!¡± ¡­ was the same moment I realized that I didn¡¯t really want her to stop. My eyes welled up as I had a very surreal reality check. I deserved this. I had no idea how far she would go. When she was done with my arm, would she move to my face? I didn¡¯t know, but I did know that I had already made this affirmation to myself. I had agreed with myself that I wouldn¡¯t self-harm, and wouldn¡¯t interfere with whatever plan I was being abusively used for in this place, but if my death was to come about naturally at the hands of something or someone else, I wasn¡¯t going to oppose it. I thought about The Staff, and then I thought about every single human I¡¯d met in my time here. As I went through the list, I quite genuinely could not think of a single soul I would be happier to be executed by than Kanata. ¡°I¡¯m¡­ I¡¯m sorry,¡± I cried as I tried to relax. Kanata kept clenching tighter and tighter. I began to feel like I was having a hard time properly controlling the fingers of my right hand. I looked deep into her eyes the entire time. I did this. This is okay. This is good. My blood was beginning to drip more steadily from her chin as I felt myself on the verge of possible unconsciousness. Good girl. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Her snarling stopped. My arm remained in her mouth, but her mouth relaxed and went limp around her teeth. As I looked into her eyes with confusion, she began to whimper. I felt a different pressure as she began trying to dislodge her teeth from my arm. I winced heavily. ¡°Wait wait wait!¡± I grabbed her jaw as I sat up. She steadied herself, planting her legs firmly for stability. I growled in anguish as I ripped her bottom teeth from my arm. They had clearly dug a lot more shallow than her top row. ¡°Okay, on three¡­¡± I held Kanata¡¯s head as she looked at me with focus. I wish Kanata was a zombie-dog, and my only option was to cut this arm off completely. Just give up on the thing and get rid of it. ¡°¡­ one¡­ two¡­¡± I held her head steady as I ripped my arm away from it. A giant piece of skin flicked away into the air as her teeth jaggedly caught it on their way out. ¡°ARGHHH!¡± I gripped at my wrist as I rocked back and forth. ¡°Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck¡­ goddammit fuck¡­¡± The bleeding wasn¡¯t profuse, but the holes she had left made it almost feel like her teeth were still digging into my arm. I closed my eyes as I breathed in and out as deeply as I could, where I was previously hyperventilating. No coughs. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I suddenly jumped as I felt a rough tongue swipe across my wound. I opened my eyes to see Kanata licking the mark she had left. She stopped for a moment and looked up at me with sad eyes. She went back to licking before I stopped her. ¡°Hey¡­ don¡¯t do that¡­¡± I held my arm away from her before she could swallow anymore blood. ¡°You¡¯re gonna get sick¡­¡± She whimpered slightly. Kanata hadn¡¯t wanted to do what she just did, but she had been angry. I couldn¡¯t blame her for that anger at all. If I was in her position, I would¡¯ve started at the throat. Yet here she was, feeling sorry for hurting me when it was much less than what I should¡¯ve received. ¡°Hey, it¡¯s okay. I¡¯ll deal with it¡­ it¡¯s more than deserved¡­¡± I brushed my hand over her head. ¡°We okay?¡± Kanata yipped happily as she curled herself into my lap. I massaged her scalp the way I knew she loved. That was a spasmodic sixty seconds. I tried to remove myself from it as I hung on the floor with Kanata. Eventually though, I felt my arm throbbing. I looked at it after not seeing it for just two minutes, and almost pissed myself. I remember thinking how bad Natalie¡¯s bite had looked almost a week and a half after its occurrence. This was bad. I know a dog¡¯s mouth is ¡°cleaner¡±, and Kanata doesn¡¯t have access to the outdoors like most dogs do, but this had easy infection written all over it. I ruffled Kanata as I began to stand up with her. I needed to cover this up. Yes, for the bleeding, but there was something even more important. This was not Kanata, it was a horrible intrusive thought that I had created in her. She would not do this again if it wasn¡¯t deserved. She had just been letting me know that I was a dumbass. However, I knew that if Natalie were to see this¡­ It would be over. I couldn¡¯t let that happen. ¡°How the hell am I supposed to hide this¡­¡± I began walking away from the Caf¨¦ as Kanata followed me. I found a white, thermal window curtain of a bathroom display and ripped it off its rack. I ripped it in half and tied it around my arm as tightly as possible. I felt it pulsing like crazy as I cringed to imagine what was going on inside of it. It hurt to make a fist. I pet her again, letting her know that my stance hadn¡¯t changed. ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re on my side, because you are fucking brutal.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I poured a water bottle onto a pillowcase and cleaned the blood off Kanata¡¯s chin. I fed her some chicken and cod as I ate an entire plate of Macaroni & Cheese. I finished my two pieces of chocolate cake, promised myself I would start practicing salad from now on, and downed two bottles of water before packing up the Caf¨¦. My screaming hadn¡¯t attracted any friendly strangers, so I ensured I had everything I had entered the Caf¨¦ with, and began our trek back to R&E. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Kanata and I began walking back, as friends this time. I realized the stupidity of covering the wound with a previously white window curtain, and how obvious it would be that something had happened. I decided to treat myself to some new clothes now, and went to quickly find a long sleeve shirt that would cover this bandage. As I began rummaging through a bedroom display, I first found a mirror that would somewhat nicely fit the men¡¯s bathroom back home¡­ Whatever, I already wrote the word before. The seal has been broken. The mirror had a somewhat gaudy gold lining that was a little too posh for that room, but maybe it would fit nicer if we implemented a restroom attendant. I dug through the dresser drawers to find them all empty. That kind of made sense. I went to another display¡¯s walk-in closet to find a rack of really nice jackets. Surely it would get padded down if I walked up with one on. If even the possibility of taking it off existed, it wouldn¡¯t work. I spotted a white fleece with brown arms. I tried it on, and it was way too big for me. Perfect. No pockets, you could clearly see I¡¯d taken off my other shirt beneath it, and the somewhat bulky mass of the ¡°bandage¡± was completely unnoticeable below the bulk of the sleeves. Plus, it was really goddamn cozy. I grabbed the mirror, and was about to go back to the cart, when Kanata began whimpering beside me. I walked up to her and placed down the mirror. I knelt to her and began brushing her head again. ¡°Hey, you¡¯re not still worked up about it, are you?¡± I rubbed her scalp and ears, patting the sides of her belly. She was looking in a different direction, and she just wouldn¡¯t calm down. ¡°What¡¯s up, girl?¡± Kanata finally looked at me, and then looked back in the direction she was previously looking. I stood up cautiously. I looked around the room for the heaviest thing I could find. The candlestick lamp was probably good. I grabbed it before realizing it was plugged into the wall, and quickly decided it wasn¡¯t worth the try. ¡°Will you come with me?¡± I whispered to her sheepishly. She stuck out her tongue. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I walked in the direction for about a minute, about to give up and assume Kanata had seen a ghost, before smelling the scent that she had probably been smelling for miles. I considered urging her away and getting back on track, but something about being with Kanata put a dumb sense of confidence behind me. I weaved through the displays as the smell of death slowly grew stronger and stronger. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I jumped in my skin as a final corner revealed the leg of the corpse. I slowly willed myself around it to reveal the entire body. Chest-first on the ground in front of me lay a dead woman, whose back was a completely flayed mess of dark red viscera. Her skin had been long on its way to a greenish-black, and I absolutely refused to move her head, as her mess of hair had graciously fallen in a way that kept her face hidden from view. Kanata¡¯s whimpering began again. For a dog that was obviously tough as nails, she enjoyed a good whine. But I wasn¡¯t holding this one against her. I felt like crying too. This was¡­ the first time I had seen a body in such a state of decomposition. As I continued to look at her, images of Wyatt¡¯s corpse began to resurface and flash in my mind. I slammed shut my eyes and fought to keep down my stomach. I breathed deep as it settled. I opened my eyes to see a purse sitting on the ground next to the body. Though it felt extremely inappropriate, I retrieved it and began rummaging through. It looked like a normal messy purse. Opening her wallet showed an I.D. for one ¡°Cora Perry Millard¡±. She looked so beautiful in her driver¡¯s license photo. It reinforced my thanks that I couldn¡¯t see her face now. The biggest thing in the purse was a book. OSHA Safety Training Handbook: 8th Edition. Why would she have this in her purse? Was she trying to learn for law school? Maybe she was already an attorney, and was trying to find a snag in some stipulation? From what I could tell of what remained, she seemed to be dressed in business attire. What had she been doing with herself before being trapped here. I placed down her purse and stepped back, Kanata rubbing against my leg. I turned away to look towards the direction of R&E. When did this happen? She was so close to us. It was a fifteen minute walk at the most. The Staff had to have done this, right? Why hadn¡¯t someone heard her screaming? Had they? Did whoever was on the wall that night just accept that there was nothing they could do? This body looked like it must have been more than a couple days old. Of course with the environment it was in, there were no flies buzzing around it, but I could tell it wasn¡¯t fresh. That means¡­ I walked past this the last time I was out here. I walked past this twice that day without even knowing, probably while I was thinking about some trivial shit like how I wanted to get a clever last word into a hypothetical argument with Elijah. If I had started coming out here a week earlier, maybe I could¡¯ve been there the day she was in trouble. Maybe I could¡¯ve helped her¡­ Another whimper from Kanata brought me out of a daze. I stumbled slightly backwards. ¡°Come on, let¡¯s go.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Kanata and I approached the gate as I brought the cart to a stop, reaching to grab the mirror before it toppled over and fell. The scene of me standing over a broken mirror as they opened the gate would have definitely been comedically gratifying, but I had the educated suspicion that this intact mirror was the only thing between me and Natalie¡¯s fist today. I stepped away from the cart and put my arms out wide and high (a little lower once I realized the sleeves were almost falling down my forearm). Kanata tilted her head at me as if to ask what the fuck my silly ass was doing. ¡°Hey, it¡¯s become very clear to me that I need to be on my best behavior for a while,¡± I said to her. ¡°Can you try to go in half on that with me?¡± Her head returned to an upright position as she wagged her tail. She walked up and rubbed herself against my leg. ¡°Thanks.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I considered telling her to stop feeding him¡­ but I wasn¡¯t about to assume that position, and she was probably much better at doing it discreetly than I could ever hope to be. If anything, I would just hope that pretending Kanata could fully understand what I was saying meant that she would lump that activity in with the behavior she needed to discontinue. The reality of the situation is that I needed to tell someone. I couldn¡¯t be the only one who knew. But who am I supposed to tell? Elijah? God? I don¡¯t know. Because hell, It would be better to kill him myself than to tell Natalie¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª This needs to wrap up pretty fast, so here¡¯s the status for now, and I¡¯ll talk to you again in a little while. I¡¯m in an IKEA now. It¡¯s my home, whether I enjoy calling it that or not. Trust me, I don¡¯t, and I will never be so comfortable to call it that for more than whatever day it currently is. If I wake up the next day, it¡¯s my home that day. If I wake up the day after that, it¡¯s my home again. That¡¯s a good place to start, and a much kinder fate than so many others have met here. I would like to start remembering that every day that I do wake up. No affirmations, and certainly no thanks, just friendly reminders to where I could be instead if fate had seen fit. I feel disappointed that I didn¡¯t get the chance to fix my old self, but I think I can make this new one at least passably mediocre. Just imagine what I could¡¯ve done in the old world with the tenacity that this place has forced into my hands. Well, hang on, because I don¡¯t want to pat myself on the back too much. I¡¯ve been incredibly lucky, and honestly, gained the support of so many people I don¡¯t deserve the support of. I¡¯ve broken through some personal barriers, but let it be clear, I did it kicking and screaming all the way. I¡¯ve been wanting to give up since my days were in the single digits. Living is like a chore, and I should have realized it was always that way before even showing up here. This is obviously a lot more dangerous of a chore than ¡°normal life¡±, but I honestly have a lot less to think about. I¡¯ve spent so much time here just lost in my head. I didn¡¯t have much time for that in the old world. There were always so many plates spinning that I simply didn¡¯t have the schedule opening to realize that my self-hatred was not obligatory. I¡¯m not really living because of some kind of tenacity anymore. Yes, this world creates a life nothing like I¡¯ve ever seen, but I¡¯ve just never been forced to think the way I think in here. Whilst not abandoning any emotional responsibility, I feel like I really am just someone else, for better or worse. I¡¯m kinda just living because I¡­ I really just wanna find out what happens next for them. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª And mind you¡­ Living isn¡¯t a good word, surviving is better. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The sound of the opening gate began, as I looked down at Kanata, who looked politely back up to me. ¡°You should probably put your hands up too¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª (Part nine coming soon!) Part Nine 1/3 ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ªPART NINE¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You¡¯re not still talking to her, are you?¡± Chandler is staring through my head to remember his order. Toby is talking to the waitress he¡¯ll never work up the nerve to ask out, even though she would obviously say yes to him. She hasn¡¯t once mentioned the food he wants in the past five minutes. ¡°Why would I still be talking to her?¡± I say. ¡°Because you wanna be a rebellious little shit?¡± Chandler suggests. ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± ¡°I think there¡¯s probably an obviouser reason than that,¡± Toby says without looking, interrupting his own conversation. ¡°You did that on purpose, right? I don¡¯t have to tell you that isn''t a word, because you already know that ¡®obviouser¡¯ is not a word¡­ right?¡± Chandler says, also without looking. Toby ignores him as I ignore both of them. I haven¡¯t stopped, and I don¡¯t plan on stopping. Chandler¡¯s judgement will not change that, but it¡¯s clear that he believes me when I lie to him about it. That makes me guilty, but only a little. Toby¡¯s judgement is meaningful to me, but usually forgivingly biased because of our friendship. Chandler¡¯s is not. No matter how long we¡¯ve known each other, he will tell me if I¡¯m being a bad person. His judgement is not meaningless, but it¡¯s not big enough to destroy this. Not this time. Not now. Not like this. ¡°You¡¯re addicted, idiot. It¡¯s okay,¡± Chandler says. ¡°As long as you know that you are.¡± I¡¯m not. That¡¯s not what this is. You don¡¯t know what this is. ¡°Yeah¡­ I hear you,¡± I¡¯m lying. ¡°I would um¡­ tell you if I relapsed.¡± ¡°Relapsed?¡± He will be told by someone else, because I am lying and I cannot stop lying. I will never have the opportunity to tell Chandler the truth again. I start to consider the possibility that my way to avoid lying to Chandler has always been to not divulge. ¡°Gross choice of words.¡± I start to consider that my way to avoid lying to anyone is to not speak. Toby¡¯s flatbread can¡¯t be made properly because they¡¯re out of avocado. He pretends he¡¯s scratching cocaine itches, then orders a breakfast burrito instead. The waitress giggles at him wildly as Chandler finally snaps out of his lethologica. ¡°Tuna Melt!¡± He turns and calls like a game show contestant. ¡°Unless you¡¯re out of cheese and bread¡­¡± She laughs at Chandler, to which Toby frowns despite the obvious circumstance. Her smile quickly disappears as she turns to me. ¡°What can I get for you?¡± She says with a professional bluntness, as if I haven¡¯t sat in this exact same seat every Thursday for four years. I¡¯m never surprised, though. I don¡¯t get surprised by women anymore, because they don¡¯t do anything surprising when I¡¯m there. The first time I was surprised by a woman was my mother. The second, and last time, is my current deceitful tryst that will eventually destroy the only true family I have left. I know that will happen, because Hannah told me it will. And I believe her word more than anyone¡¯s. But I can¡¯t stop, and I don¡¯t want to. So I tell Chandler I¡¯m spent of motivation this morning and force him away from my bed, before he and both his parents leave for the day. I drag myself to her house, barely conscious. I skip classes with her and sit in her room for hours. Sometimes holding her, sometimes talking about a life without much to speak for, sometimes just staring at her. Her eyes are the most petrifying thing I¡¯ve ever seen. She makes me breakfast at 2:30 PM, when it¡¯s the first thing she¡¯s eaten since midday Wednesday. We spend a full hour ¡°eating¡± before I call Toby, telling him I¡¯ll meet them at Cotton¡¯s in twenty minutes. When I do, I will tell them both nothing about her. As we eat, I will tell them both nothing about her. As we all go back to the house, I will tell them nothing about her. For the next two and a half years of continuous equivocating, I will tell them nothing about her. I look back up to the waitress. ¡°I¡¯m not hungry. I¡¯ll just have a water.¡± Cody Camargo: Fifty-six days in. Mind the gap. I¡¯ll fill in what¡¯s important as we go, but catching you up on every little detail is not entirely important right now. All you need to know is that I hadn¡¯t been able to find a new notebook for a while. So, I let it go. I was trying to test my mental grit with the absence of what had clearly been becoming a vice. I was okay without it too. It was kind of nice. However, I have now forced myself to focus on finding one. What happened yesterday was something that needed to be talked about, so I¡¯ll start there. Let me explain. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Somewhere around 11:00 AM of my fifty-fifth ¡°cataloged¡± day, I tossed a widowed loafer through the air, as Kanata vaulted over a bench to catch it in her teeth. She planted gracefully onto the ground, and snarled as she thrashed her head violently, decimating it in her grasp. ¡°That thing doesn¡¯t bleed, you know¡­¡± I said to her as I passed. She trotted back to my side, still gnawing at the shoe as we walked down our route. Natalie¡¯s iron fist had softened ever so slightly towards Kanata, as the threat of her being exiled was, albeit inappreciably, backpedaled on good behavior. I had done my best to help keep Kanata on a short leash, figuratively and literally. I still had days where I would go out on my own, but I mostly brought her along with me now. Once outside the gate, I tried to let her run as energetically free as I could. Natalie and I didn¡¯t speak much about Kanata anymore, mostly for the sake of not fighting. We both tried to avoid conversing in general for that same reason. That was often difficult, given our new¡­ uncomfortable situation¡­ but let¡¯s get into that later. Natalie had told me one day that she had firmly stated my effort of Kanata-mitigation to Elizabeth, and demanded for her to do the same. Seeing as Kanata hasn¡¯t been made into shish-kebabs yet, I assume Elizabeth had responsibly agreed to be a more vigilant pet owner. I wouldn¡¯t know, as I hadn¡¯t seen a hair on Lizzie¡¯s head since that day in the cell, due to what was no longer my complete captivity, but certainly wasn¡¯t complete freedom. None of that is worth talking about right now either¡­ As we walked, Kanata had her time to frolic aimlessly, but my happy willingness to have her with me was much deeper than my desire to make sure she was tired out. It was just good to have a second set of eyes and ears, especially ones that were much more keen than my own. If Kanata ever heard a noise that was outside the now familiar skidding of cart wheels, she would¡­ well¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I stopped the cart and myself immediately as Kanata planted herself in front of my path, looking in the direction of the disruption she had detected. I crouched down and carefully slid out the pole from the giant bin on the cart. It had been returned to me as a reward for going a week without asking about my phone. In my opinion, it was kind of weird to have my access to a defensive weapon be a reward , but I didn¡¯t complain about having it. I stayed silent, trying to feel out the air for the disturbance that Kanata had felt. I couldn¡¯t hear it, but I usually couldn¡¯t until it was right on top of us. I was used to Kanata being my satellite. A minute later, Kanata was still on guard, so I knew we were still in the grips of it. I slowly creeped away from the path, and nestled myself into a closet. Kanata hung away. ¡°Trent?! Is that you?¡± I called before hiding myself behind the coats. I had reunited with him twice out here. One of those times was with Kanata, and I¡¯d practically had to rip her away from him (she had possibly sensed the fact that I didn¡¯t like him very much). When no response came, I heard Kanata follow our next step, knocking over a vase that shattered far away from my position. Silence hung, as we waited for the excited wet footsteps to dash towards the sound of the explosive pottery. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Nothing. For five whole minutes, nothing. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Kanata¡¯s nose poked into my leg suddenly as I stepped out of the brush. ¡°You sure?¡± She didn¡¯t yip, and still seemed pretty tense. She was most definitely not sure. I recognized that, but didn¡¯t exactly have the time to be camping in a closet for the next half-an-hour. I returned to the cart and warily began moving again, slipping the pole back away. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°RUFF!¡± I let go of the cart and shot around to her. ¡°Hey! What the fuck?! Shhh!¡± Kanata was turned to the left, and began growling. ¡°Kanata!¡± ¡°RUFF! RUFF RUFF RUFF!¡± She dashed away out of my sight. I ripped the pole back up and chased after her. ¡°Kanata!¡± I no longer whispered. ¡°Stop!¡± She wasn¡¯t acting this way because of a Staff member. She had never done this before. I whipped around displays, hopelessly trying to just keep a pace with the dog that could probably still outrun me with a broken leg. If I ever went too far off of the path, my sense of direction was stubbornly inept at retracing its steps. Obviously I could find my way to the Caf¨¦, or back to R&E, but some random point on the ground where I¡¯d left the cart might be harder to find. That is to say, I tried to avoid ever straying too far, but something was wrong with Kanata, and I found myself valuing the importance of that over my job. That was probably dumb, as I should have just trusted her to exhaust her interest in whatever was bugging her, and eventually find me again. I was risking a serious pummelling right now. Yeah, it was dumb, but I¡¯m glad I let myself be dumb that day. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Kanata!¡± I practically screeched as I finally caught up to her. She was planted in the middle of a spacious oasis of a living room, just looking up at the ¡°sky¡±. ¡°What is going on?¡± I said between catching my breaths. ¡°Could we not have just played tag on the way to the-¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It was so faint, but I had the same reaction she had had ten minutes ago. A sound that I had never heard in here was coming from¡­ somewhere. Why is it so hard to tell what direction it¡¯s coming from? Where is it? I looked towards Kanata again, still looking in the same direction she had been looking all this time. ¡°What?¡± I slowly looked up. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°What the fuck¡­¡± A drone was hovering something near 300 feet above us. I could barely see it, but it was black against the empty atmosphere, and I could see that it was not a normal drone. Not with four propellers on each corner and a torso in the middle. No, it was shaped like a small plane, like a UAV, but it was just drifting there in the middle of nothing. There was a whirring turbine¡¯s loud ambience emanating from it. Was it¡­ watching us? I was sort of paralyzed, and I didn¡¯t even know what it meant, let alone what I should do. Kanata had an idea. ¡°RUFF RUFF RUFF!¡± As almost an immediate response to her, it suddenly oriented itself in a different direction, and shot away into the distance. I almost fell onto my face as I tried to run in the direction it had blasted. Within ten seconds, it was so far into the distance of the endless horizon that I couldn¡¯t even make it out anymore. I stopped running in frustration. ¡°What the hell?! What the hell what the hell what the hell¡­¡± I turned around to see Kanata still back in the living room. She hadn¡¯t even tried to chase after the ridiculous speed of the craft, as she stayed stuck to the spot. What was it doing? Who was controlling it? If it was watching us¡­ who was on the other side of the screen? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I jumped out of the secondary paralysis and looked towards Kanata. ¡°Come on! Now!¡± She ran to me as I found the direction of Return & Exchange, and immediately started dashing back towards it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I reached the gate in fifteen minutes, surprising myself with the desperation of my stamina. It was reminiscent of my first time running to this gate, right down to my screaming as I got there. ¡°TIM!¡± I screamed at it as I approached the clearing. ¡°TIM OPEN THE GATE! IT¡¯S ME-YOU¡¯VE GOTTA LET US IN! TIM COME ON!¡± I bashed the pole against the front wall as Kanata began barking behind me. Tim finally looked over the edge. ¡°Cody?!¡± He yelled down. ¡°It¡¯s not even 11:30 dude, what¡¯s going on-¡° ¡°-I SAW SOMETHING! I SAW SOMETHING INSANE-I¡¯LL EXPLAIN INSIDE-COME ON!¡± Even from this distance, I saw his face drop to white as he turned around. ¡°Connor!¡± He yelled. ¡°Hit the alarm!¡± I backed away as I heard the latch of the gate being removed from the other side. It began to slowly crawl open as I stood at its entrance. ¡°Cody!¡± Carolette yelled from one of the hooks as she saw me. ¡°Go back and put your hands-CODY-BEFORE I SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!¡± I ignored her, shoving myself through the crack as Kanata followed. I threw down the pole on the ground and ran to the center of the courtyard. ¡°MOTHER FU-¡° Sean screamed, practically leaping away from the other hook. ¡°I SWEAR TO GOD-¡° ¡°-DO WHATEVER YOU WANT-JUST LISTEN TO ME!¡± I screamed back. ¡°What is going on?!¡± Roman yelled behind me as he entered the courtyard. ¡°He came back!¡± Sean yelled. ¡°Lord fucking knows why, but here he is!¡± Kanata began circling around my legs like a revolving force-field. ¡°Cody, what is it?!¡± Tim said as he jumped from the ladder. ¡°Where¡¯s the cart?!¡± ¡°Forget about the cart, there was a goddamn-¡° ¡°-Who was it?¡± I heard Natalie say. I spun around to see her entering the courtyard with Tracy beside her. Tracy was a girl that had shown up to the gate around lunch time on my forty-eighth day. Tracy was currently stuck in the stage of Natalie carting her around everywhere to keep an eye on her (though it was clear that she would be free from it long before me). ¡°Who did you see out there?¡± Natalie added. ¡°Did they follow you? How many were there?¡± Her face wasn¡¯t mad in the slightest, she looked horrifyingly serious. Almost¡­ scared? No way¡­ ¡°Huh?¡± I said. ¡°No, there-¡­ no one was-¡° ¡°-why aren¡¯t we closing it?!¡± Connor yelled as he finished climbing down the scaffolding, much slower than Tim had basically jumped straight down it. You don¡¯t know Connor really at all. You might remember his name from the post-it note I¡¯d mentioned in the bathroom. I came to learn that he was the one who delegated the cleaning schedule of most major buildings in R&E, and assigned the shifts of distributing the duties equally to everyone. I had spent most of my off days filling any blank spaces in those schedules¡­ Natalie had temporarily assigned him to the Gate-Formation in the sudden absence of two of its previous members, but even I recognized that he was not really matching the vibe. ¡°Connor, it¡¯s the middle of the fucking day,¡± Sean said. ¡°If you can¡¯t see one member coming, you¡¯re as oblivious as the boy who cried wolf over here-¡° ¡°-Sean, shut up,¡± Natalie commanded. ¡°Cody, who was out there?¡± ¡°No goddammit!¡± I said. ¡°You don¡¯t understand, it wasn¡¯t-¡° ¡°-Should I be informed about something?¡± Robert said as he stepped into the courtyard. ¡°Jesus Christ , here it goes ¡­¡± Carolette moaned. ¡°You¡¯re not supposed to be responding to the alarm Rob-¡° ¡°-Yes,¡± Natalie interrupted, spinning around to him. ¡°Cody saw someone outside.¡± At this point, I had still told none of them about Trent. ¡°I DIDN¡¯T SEE ANYONE!¡± I screamed. Natalie slowly turned to me with the rage that I had expected her to enter the courtyard with. ¡°What?¡± ¡°To be fair¡­¡± Tracy spoke up as we all looked towards her. ¡°None of you gave him the chance to say he didn¡¯t. You kept talking over him¡­¡± She trailed off as everyone collectively glared at her. We all stayed silent for a moment before the others¡¯ glares moved appropriately back to me. ¡°Why the fuck are you back here?¡± Natalie demanded. ¡°Listen,¡± I said. ¡°I saw a drone out there. Just hovering in the middle of the sky, watching.¡± ¡°What?¡± Roman said. ¡°What is the¡­ you mean like one of those remote controlled ones?¡± ¡°Yeah, dude,¡± I said. ¡°But it was-¡° ¡°-you¡¯re joking, right?¡± Natalie interrupted again. ¡°You saw a toy drone? That¡¯s why you came back? You came back in the middle of a run for that?! Did you dream about giving me an aneurysm last night?! What is wrong with you?!¡± ¡°Is that not serious?! It was watching us! It heard Kanata bark and it shot away! Someone had to be using it-¡° ¡°-Hang on, Natalie,¡± Carolette said. ¡°It could be-¡° ¡°-It¡¯s not. Why would he need¡­¡± Natalie trailed off as I looked at her, grilling her with my gaze. I mean¡­ trying to grill her. I lost my ephemeral concern as the questioning continued towards me. ¡°Wait wait wait¡­¡± Tim said. ¡°What did it look like? How was it shaped?¡± ¡°It was like a paper airplane, but you know, like those¡­ I don¡¯t know, pre-made ones? The ones that are more cardboard than paper, and they¡¯ve got little designs and your kid just slides the pieces together?¡± ¡°Sounds like a real pressingly important U.F.O. there, guy,¡± Sean said. ¡°Nonono, it was just that shape,¡± I said. ¡°It was black, and it obviously had more body to it. It was high, really high, like a hundred meters or something, maybe more, I couldn¡¯t tell but it was big enough to notice even that high up-¡° ¡°-Black? And that shape?¡± Tim said. ¡°That might be military-¡° ¡°-Military?!¡± Sean said as I looked at Robert. ¡°Timothy, would you listen to yourself? Don¡¯t buy into anything he¡¯s saying!¡± Robert stayed silent, the same as Natalie seemed like she was trying her hardest to. ¡°Seriously!¡± Tim insisted. ¡°That sounds like a Reaper! If Cody saw one-¡° ¡°-that¡¯s what I was saying!¡° Carolette pressed. ¡°Someone¡¯s gotta be controlling that, right? I mean, who would even have access to that kind of thing? If we don¡¯t know who it is, who¡¯s to say if-¡° ¡°-Well yeah, I don¡¯t think that a model like that would just fall out of thin air,¡± Tim said. ¡°You can¡¯t just buy that kind of surveillance vessel. Anywhere. No reasonable person in here would use that if they were running the risk of it getting caught in a divide shift, not unless they didn¡¯t know about it altogether.¡± ¡°You¡¯re generalizing,¡± Roman said. ¡°A regular person on their own wouldn¡¯t realize that kind of thing was happening.¡± ¡°Di-¡­ divide shift?¡± I said. ¡°EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP!¡± Natalie screamed. We all looked at her as she looked at me. ¡°What did it do?¡± She said. ¡°I¡­ it just flew off.¡± ¡°And then what did you do?¡± ¡°I fucking ran here!¡± ¡°Immediately?¡± ¡°YES!¡± ¡°So where¡¯s the cart?¡± I went silent as she approached me. ¡°Where¡¯s the cart, Cody?¡± She prodded. ¡°I¡­ I don¡¯t know, who cares? It¡¯s empty. But like¡­ it¡¯s on the trail, so I could easily just-¡° ¡°-So you saw some bird or plane or Superman flying through the air, then you and Underdog abandoned the cart in the middle of nowhere to run back and tell us this AFTER it had already flown away. What exactly were you expecting us to do about it?¡± Natalie didn¡¯t sound completely angry, but there wasn¡¯t a doubt in my mind that I had suddenly stepped into a conversational minefield. She was angry, but she needed a second to properly charge it up. ¡°Okay okay okay I¡­¡± I began. ¡°I thought it was important, yeah. What if it is the military? What if they saw R&E?! Now they finally know we¡¯re here! They can send someone inside and¡­ Jesus I don¡¯t know, get Area 51 to turn this place off-¡° ¡°-turn this place off? You think this place can just be turned off-¡° ¡°-I¡¯m just making an example! Goddammit dude, stop!¡± ¡°How exactly do you think the armed forces operate?¡± I suddenly lost my desire for surgeon¡¯s precision. I paused Kanata with my ankle, and stepped towards Natalie myself. Everyone was silent around us. ¡°Do you see one of those things everyday?! No! You don¡¯t!¡± I yelled. ¡°Why would I not think that¡¯s important?! Alerting the plane that¡¯s flying over the desert island?!-¡° ¡°-It¡¯s gone. You failed to alert it, and now you¡¯ve returned to tell us about your failure-¡° ¡°-we don¡¯t know that I failed, it reacted to us! It could just be returning to base or something! Also, I came to tell YOU because I thought you would care! I could say there was a mother fucking tank crushing down walls out there and you wouldn¡¯t bat a goddamn eye because it came out of my mouth! You just never listen to a word I-¡° Natalie shoved me onto the floor. ¡°You wanna do this again?¡± She said. ¡°In front of everyone?!¡± ¡°Hey,¡± Roman said as he stepped towards us. ¡°He¡¯s an idiot, we know. We don¡¯t have to-¡° Natalie shot him a glare that immediately froze him in his tracks. ¡°The FUCK are you so scared of Roman?!¡± I yelled. ¡°You think this stupid bitch could take you bare-handed?!¡± Her eyes shot back to me. ¡°SHE¡¯S A FUCKING JOKE!¡± Her teeth bared as she threw herself on top of me, and pinned my arms down in the process of me throwing them towards her. I struggled against her, as her knee pressed into my groin. Kanata started growling before Carolette ran to pull her back. ¡°Don¡¯t interfere!¡± I screamed. ¡°Let her show you how hungry she is to prove she¡¯s in control! Let her kill me right here to show you that she¡¯s so powerful!¡± I said this, but was trying incredibly hard to force my strength against her. Natalie was, of course, much stronger. ¡°You didn¡¯t even see it, did you?¡± She began almost calmly on top of me. ¡°How the hell am I supposed to lie down and believe the endless supply of gibberish that comes out of your mouth? Do you know how ridiculous you sound? Am I supposed to go outside and chase it down because you think you saw it?! Is that what I have to do to not be the bitch that won¡¯t listen to a word you say?! Call me a bitch again when you can fight back! Go ahead! Get up! Fight back!¡± She kept pressing as I struggled against her. ¡°You can¡¯t!¡± She began to yell. ¡°You¡¯re such a pathetic little earwig, but you wanna call me a bitch?! You wanted to make a scene, and now everyone is watching me pin this little bitch to the floor!¡± I kept struggling, openly growling like I was Kanata. Like I was a bitch. ¡°Take a cheap shot, idiot!¡± She screamed. ¡°Knee me in the crotch!¡± I blushed a little as her power forced me all the way to the ground. She brought her face closer to mine, her spit dripping onto me. ¡°You¡¯d never do it! You probably think this is round two, but that wasn¡¯t a fight! I bet you keep calling it a fight because of that one little sissy ass punch! That didn¡¯t make it a fight, you were just running scared the entire time, because that¡¯s what you are! You¡¯re so scared! Say it! Tell me you¡¯re horrified of me! Say it! ¡± The look in her eyes was borderline manic. Like she had been on withdrawal from a serious argument between us for the past month. This was her euphoric relapse. ¡°SAY IT!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I saw the feet of Robert walking up to us. ¡°Get the fuck out of here, Robert!¡± She snarled. ¡°This little mental-case didn¡¯t see anything! Don¡¯t waste your time with him!¡± Robert didn¡¯t move. ¡°What have we told him?¡± He said calmly. Natalie stayed like a vice-grip on my wrists, but looked up to him. ¡°Leave. Now,¡± She spat venomously. ¡°Does he even know what¡¯s going on here?¡± She looked back down at me. ¡°Shut up,¡± She said coldly to him. ¡°I know you¡¯ve told him nothing. Is that what we want for someone we¡¯re relying on?¡± ¡°He doesn¡¯t need to know anything.¡± ¡°Is that what you think? Or are you just saying that because you¡¯re on top of him.¡± Natalie¡¯s face crumpled with anger. ¡°Robert-¡° ¡°-What if I started telling him things? And I bet I could stay away from the meat and still tell him more than anyone here would have ever been willing to let him know. Hell, Cody, what do you wanna know? Anyone ever told you that the Staff haven¡¯t always been here?¡± ¡­What? ¡°He¡¯s lying,¡± Natalie whispered with hostility. ¡°He¡¯s fucking lying.¡± ¡°Of course, tell him everything is a lie unless it comes out of your mouth.¡± ¡°What did he just say?¡± I spoke for the first time in what felt like years. ¡°What did he just say?!¡± In response, Natalie relinquished her control over me. She stood up and brushed herself off, kicking my ankle as she began to walk away. ¡°Whatever,¡± She said to Robert as she passed him. ¡°Tell him whatever you want. Revelation is lost on this little dumbass.¡± ¡°HEY!¡± I screamed to her as she exited the courtyard. ¡°WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!¡± I scrambled up and was about to run after her before Roman grabbed my shoulder. ¡°Dude,¡± He said. ¡°Please stop. If you get pummeled, you know she¡¯s not gonna let Sandra help you. Just leave her alo-¡° I ripped myself away from him. ¡°Would YOU leave her alone after that?!¡± I said. ¡°And don¡¯t fucking answer that because obviously you would-God I¡¯m so sick of this!¡± ¡°I know, Cody, Jesus. But you¡¯re just making it worse. You¡¯re being exactly what she wants you to be.¡± ¡°Well she¡­¡± Tracy spoke up. ¡°She probably still wants him to follow her orders, not disobey her.¡± I spun around angrily. ¡°TRACY! SHUT THE FUCK UP!¡± I screamed carelessly. ¡°I AM THE ONLY PERSON THAT EVERYONE HATES MORE THAN YOU! THAT¡¯S TERRIBLE!¡± I turned away from her to see Carolette giving me a reprimanding eyebrow. I knew it wasn¡¯t about Tracy. Jesus. Whatever, mom. I began storming away as Robert raised a similar eyebrow at me. ¡°What are you looking at?!¡± I spat. He silently crossed his arms with a scowl as I passed. I¡¯d expected him to try and hammer home his aggravation now with Natalie gone, but he seemed to just calmly let it go. I¡¯m not sure why, but it didn¡¯t sit right with me. I hate to say this, but I held Natalie¡¯s word over anyone¡¯s. If I had to rank it somewhere, I would logically say that Robert¡®s angry rambling is probably the word I valued the least . Yet, his body language had almost made me double-take when he¡¯d resigned. Robert would never let me get a last word in, let alone stand down from an argument. Instead, he just shut up, like he didn¡¯t care whether I believed him or not. Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings. Yeah, that just wasn¡¯t Robert. It¡¯s not that I distrust Robert either, I just don¡¯t like him enough to invest any trust in him. I felt like I¡¯d known him long enough to know that this wasn¡¯t normal behavior for him. I tried to forget it, and focused on following Natalie back towards the house. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I wanted to burst in the door, but I had already seen through the window that she wasn¡¯t in the ¡°living room¡±. I re-assessed my plan of action as I gently entered the house, and slowly climbed the stairs. I found her bedroom door open, as I entered it to see her holding her face in her hands, back turned to me. ¡°Natalie?¡± I heard her guffaw into her palms. ¡°You actually followed me back. I cannot believe that is real,¡± She mumbled with a deranged bubble in her voice. ¡°Look I¡­ I¡¯m sorry I called you a bitch, but I¡¯m not sorry I yelled at you. What was Robert-¡° She spun around so quickly that I was surprised her skin stayed on her body. ¡°Imagine I have the gun held up to your head right now. That¡¯s what you want, right? If you admit that you¡¯re scared of me, I¡¯ll admit that you are the most professionally effective instigator I¡¯ve ever met. Like it¡¯s honestly a skill, so go ahead and be proud of yourself. Is that a good enough reward from me? Do you have enough attention now, sweetheart?¡± I fought off the urge to blush again by fantasizing about punching her a second time. ¡°Listen, I came back to tell you . I only started saying it to everyone because they were there, and Sean and Carolette wanted to kill me. I only cared about telling you -¡° ¡°-I probably wouldn¡¯t care about being told, Cody! I DON¡¯T care! You know that! You KNEW that! Why did you come back?!¡± ¡°Is this not serious to you? Take yourself out of the possibility that what I saw wasn¡¯t accurate, and just trust something I say for thirty seconds. Is that sighting not eventful?! Why are you just brushing this off-¡° ¡°-WHO CARES?! I AM! SO WHY WOULD I TELL YOU?!¡± She turned around and went to her dresser drawer. She pulled out a nail clipper, and crouched over a bag-less trash can. Natalie¡¯s room was always far more homey than I expected it to be. Every time I saw it (and I barely saw it), I expected to see heads on sticks at the corner of her bed frame. ¡°You need to go find that fucking cart,¡± She said. ¡°As much as I¡¯d love to make you get caught out there in the middle of the night, you¡¯re not gonna have time to get back and forth to the Caf¨¦, so just go get it and bring it back. You¡¯ll go out tomorrow instead, AND the day after that.¡± I had gotten pretty good at understanding how to not be commanded by Natalie. I knew my guidelines, and didn¡¯t leave them unless she was slowly cutting another restrictive belt off of my citizenship. I did all that I could to avoid having to ever be instructed by her. Anything to avoid hearing her voice in that authoritative growl. It made me want to do so many horrible things. She looked up at me, as I had been standing there silently. ¡°Is there a problem with that?¡± Yes. ¡°When am I gonna get to learn combat?¡± She squinted and shook her head in utter confusion. ¡°Is this the time to ask about that, Cody? Now? Right now?!¡± ¡°If I knew how to fight them, I might be okay to travel closer to nighttime.¡± She blew a raspberry. ¡°That¡¯s a joke, right?¡± It was definitely unrealistic, but I wasn¡¯t joking. ¡°So, what if I ask you tomorrow?¡± I said. ¡°What would your answer be then?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know-Oh my God! Whenever I can free up both Tim and Carolette at the same time, so I don¡¯t know ! Not fucking now!¡± ¡°Can¡¯t Roman teach me? The pole is more similar to a sword than it is to an axe-¡° ¡°-you shouldn¡¯t be using that stupid pole as a weapon anyway, and Tim and Carolette are the ones who taught Roman-¡° ¡°-I seriously doubt that Roman needed to be taught-¡° ¡°-Cody, I¡¯m mad at you right now! Unbe-fucking-lievably mad! You can see that, you can hear that! Why are you pushing harder?!¡± ¡°Do you think that fighting me made you look tough in front of Tracy?¡± She threw down the clippers and stood up. ¡°I don¡¯t care about Tracy! Do you wanna do it again?! Here?! Where nobody¡¯s watching?!¡± Yes. Yes. Yes. ¡°No.¡± ¡°Then get the fuck out of here!¡± I didn¡¯t move. She smiled wildly, rubbing her forehead in mania. ¡°You goin¡¯ for the full combo here? Ask about it. I fucking dare you. Ask me about it right now.¡± The ph sound was on the tip of my tongue¡­ or¡­ lips I guess. We stared each other down as she twitched with an anger I was incredibly surprised she was managing to control. I finally backed down and turned away, stomping down the stairs like a five-year old. I thought about what Roman said, and realized I very much didn¡¯t care. I didn¡¯t care if that was what she wanted. I didn¡¯t care if it meant she¡¯d win in our little battle. I wanted to make her explode. I wanted her to go all the way. I wanted her to do something she couldn¡¯t take back. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Can I tell you what sharing a home with Natalie Shachiro is like? Imagine you¡¯re a migratory duck who was previously living large by some random lake in North Carolina. Come November, you fly to a supple marshland off the gulf coast. It¡¯s nice, but the wildlife that inhabits the area is not very fond of you at all. Within a week and some change, the ravenous miscreants have gnawed off both of your wings. However, you adjust, and eventually find yourself somewhat comfortable staying to the ground. Then one day, The Deepwater Horizon rig explodes and the runoff infiltrates your already quite delicate ecosystem. You move into a high ground area, but it¡¯s still never dry. The oil is everywhere. It spoors and chases you like it has legs of its own. Now you¡¯re living in oil. That¡¯s me. I feel like my entire life has been covered in oil. The house is clean, but that doesn¡¯t matter, nothing matters except the oil. I sleep covered in oil. I dream covered in oil. I wake up covered in oil. I get dressed in oil, putting oil soaked clothes over my naked oil-coated body. The floor is covered in oil. The stairs are covered in oil. The ceiling is dripping with oil. The handles of the doors are glossed-over in oil. The couch cushions are soppy with oil. The fridge is overflowing with oil. The windows are all tinted and stained by waves of oil. It¡¯s mixed into everything I drink, and it¡¯s like a sauce over every single thing I eat. I am swimming in an ocean of oil. But I¡¯m swimming, and while it¡¯s disgusting, it¡¯s just oil. I¡¯m sure it will eventually be so much that it replaces all the fluid in my bloodstream, but until then, I¡¯m just swimming. It¡¯s just oil. It¡¯s easy. You know, it would be. My life would be so much more serene if Natalie Shachiro wasn¡¯t a permanently lit match. But she is. Natalie is a sentient matchstick that waves her stupid, beautiful flaming head around every inch of the most flammable wasteland imaginable, and here I am, the most flammable organism imaginable. I can¡¯t get out of the oil, I am the oil. I think I used to be something else, but now I¡¯m just this vulnerable pool of pending ignition, being constantly hunted by the apex predator. Simply because I¡¯m the only animal who¡¯s dumb enough to fuck around with the head of a lit match. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Um¡­ I think I got lost in the weeds of that metaphor a little. You get it¡­ right? Oh, also, I¡¯ll tell you later how I learned her last name, but for now, you have to be mad at her with me, and pretend the name doesn¡¯t sound so cool. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I stormed through the ¡°living room¡±. I opened the front door, preparing to slam it before immediately pausing. Kanata was sitting there, patiently waiting for me on the doorstep. I kneeled down and scratched her ear. ¡°They couldn¡¯t catch you, huh?¡± She panted proudly. Her leash was still with the cart, wherever it was. It would not help for Natalie to realize that. ¡°¡­I¡¯m gonna go back out, but you should stay here for the rest of the day. I¡¯m sorry to cut it short, but I probably gave you enough excitement with all of that, right?¡± She stopped panting, tilting her head in anticipation of the name I was about to say. ¡°Can you go back to Elizabeth for today, please?¡± She whimpered. ¡°Give me today and tomorrow. I¡¯ll take you back out after that, and we can have a race or something¡­ deal?¡± She lunged forward and licked my face excitedly. ¡°Alright alright alright, a simple ¡®sure¡¯ would have sufficed.¡± I laughed and scratched her scalp. As I stood, she gave me a small enough yip for Natalie not to hear, and turned to bound away from me towards wherever Amelia¡¯s house was. I mentioned to you that I hadn¡¯t seen Lizzie again since my second ¡°interview¡±. I had never seen Amelia¡¯s house, and been told that the second I went near it would be my head. I understood that threat, as it was the house where three of the five children of R&E lived, and I had genuinely said to Elijah once that I could have returned for the express purpose of disemboweling said children. However, my inquiry of why Lizzie was one of those three was ignored every time I asked. The whole crux of me being granted re-entry was based on Lizzie being Robert¡¯s adopted daughter. Why was she not living with him? The only person I feel like I haven¡¯t asked about that was Robert himself. Look, I¡¯m shameless, but would you ask that guy that kind of question if you had our relationship? In general, I¡¯ve recently been putting forth a fairly vehement effort to completely snuff out the bulk of my curiosity. Today was a poor deviation. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I walked back down the outside path, searching more for the drone than the cart the entire way. I saw nothing. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª As I retrieved the cart what was not even a third of the way to the Caf¨¦, I paused before making my way back. I swayed my head back and forth, gave myself five minutes to completely memorize all of the noticeable landmarks of my position, and immediately abandoned the cart again. I departed from the path and began searching through every display I could in search of a new notebook. I found your current home in the nook of a linen closet. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It¡®s a better replacement for its predecessor than my first choice of a new bedside table would have been, but I don¡¯t really like it. I don¡¯t like the feel of the pages, and it¡¯s slightly smaller than the last. Also, it¡¯s a little hardcover one, not back-wire bound. The spine is kind of stiff, so it¡¯s not that easy to keep open when I¡¯m actually writing in it, and I can¡¯t write all the way to the end of the margin unless I nestle my hand into the fold to finish every eleventh word. Who cares, the important part is that it¡¯s back. You¡¯re back. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Uhhh, important isn¡¯t a good word¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Don¡¯t take any offense to this, but I was probably better off being away from this practice for a little while. I¡¯m sure that everyone will find this ridiculously hard to believe, but I used to have a pretty bad habit of talking to myself too much. I got somewhat over it after moving fully in with Chandler and Toby, but I¡¯ve noticed that those mannerisms have kind of resurfaced beside these journal entries. These couple of weeks I had spent without a full-mental-echochamber to run to, they were strange, but healthy. Sometimes, your internal monologue is just as far as some thoughts need to go. Intrusive thoughts are fine, but at some point quite early on into following that thread in any capacity, you¡¯re making it concrete. The basic synopsis of this journal is just me giving myself way too much tether to ruminate on incoherent anger. I don¡¯t know, I¡¯m trying to find a balance. I think it could be a healthy outlet if I started using it right. Simple stream of consciousness definitely doesn¡¯t make every thought excusable, but everybody has an internal monologue. It¡¯s just what your brain does. It doesn¡¯t make you a monster. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Wait¡­ that¡¯s not really true, is it? Not everyone has one. I don¡¯t know, I¡¯ve never understood aphantasia. Those people can obviously still think, it¡¯s just that their mind¡¯s eye is a little impaired, they don¡¯t have a voice inside their head, and I think that most of them essentially have face-blindness. Now that you mention it, is there a way I could induce myself with that affliction? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Jesus, see what I mean? Anyway, that¡¯s why we¡¯re reunited. Alright, back to writing. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I returned to R&E around 3:15 PM, slamming my hand against the wall, only now realizing I¡¯d abandoned the poll in the chaos of arguments. Carolette¡¯s head popped over the wall this time. I backed away, staring at her as I put my hands up slowly. Even without being able to see her body from the neck down, I could tell she was folding her arms in well-earned obstinance. ¡°Are you gonna stay there if I open the gate?¡± She called down to me. ¡°Yes,¡± I said sincerely. ¡°And I¡¯m sorry I made you want to slap me this morning.¡± She tilted her head back and forth as if to say it was nothing. At least, not her main concern. ¡°How about Natalie?¡± She said. ¡°Did you apologize to her?¡± As hard as I really did try to avoid it, I still ended up rolling my eyes. ¡°I triiiiied ¡­¡± ¡°Cody¡­¡± I softened. ¡°¡­ I will¡­ try harder.¡± She sighed, before her head disappeared. Moments later, the gate began to crawl open as Roman, Tim and Connor wrenched it around. Carolette walked out past them, as Roman followed behind her. I kept my hands raised as she stopped in front of me, placing her hands on her hips. Roman walked up and began patting down my sides. I was, surprisingly, not immediately thrown to the floor by this. ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re not dead,¡± Carolette began. ¡°I was prepped for the trauma of witnessing your murder this morning.¡± Roman slid my backpack over my arms. He rummaged past the flashlight that was always there, to find the new notebook. Once he made sure there wasn¡¯t a switchblade shaped hollow in it, he dropped the bag over my arms again. ¡°I told you,¡± I said to her. ¡°She¡¯s a wimp. Treating me like a doormat is not the physical achievement she thinks it is.¡± Carolette looked past me, as Roman and her shared a glance that I couldn¡¯t see his end of. I would assume it was her way of pressuring him to speak up. ¡°Uhhh¡­ look,¡± He reluctantly said behind me. ¡°You guys are doing good. You need to get yourself into the homestretch of cutting that shit out. You think you¡¯re the only one here that¡¯s got a problem with her? She¡¯s the closest thing we have to a leader. You¡¯d probably find more people on your side of that argument than you would hers.¡± I could tell he didn¡¯t like using the word ¡°leader¡± to describe her. ¡°Yeah, maybe,¡± I said. ¡°But I bet you that all of those people don¡¯t have to sleep thirty feet away from her. Until they do something stupid, they can just pretend she doesn¡¯t exist. I have to constantly be reminded by her that my choosing to exist is incredibly stupid.¡± Carolette sighed as Roman finished his pat-down. I finally dropped my arms. ¡°What he¡¯s saying, Cody, is who cares?¡± She said. ¡°Who cares what she thinks of you? If you get past this incessant refractory period, all you have to do is not commit any spontaneous act of terrorism. If you do something harmlessly stupid after serving your time with her, she¡¯ll probably brush it off, because to her, that¡¯s just what an idiot Cody is . Then you can shift your problem with authority to Roman instead. She wants it to be over just as much as you do.¡± I laughed. ¡°Wrong. She likes it, and incessant is an understatement-there IS no end to the refractory period,¡± I said, stepping back to speak to both of them. ¡°She doesn¡¯t want there to be. Like, be honest with me, Tracy¡¯s already out of it, isn¡¯t she?¡± ¡°What does that even mean, Cody?¡± Carolette said tiredly. ¡°No one is ever ¡®out of it¡¯. You¡¯re talking to two people that have an occupational commitment to regard Natalie about 15000% more rigidly than the rest of this town. We need a Natalie. Things fall apart without a Natalie. It¡¯s just her job to be a bitch¡­ so don¡¯t¡­ tell her I said that¡­¡± I looked away, not wanting to listen to Carolette¡¯s ever-articulate voice of reason, but I knew that I was listening. ¡°Also,¡± She added sternly. ¡°You can¡¯t talk to Tracy like that again.¡± I looked back. ¡°Why? You know I¡¯m right. Everybody was in such a race to start talking over me back there, but everything went dead quiet when I stepped up to that plate.¡± ¡°That doesn¡¯t mean you can say it, dude,¡± Roman said. ¡°I don¡¯t know, she seems like the kinda girl that got bullied a lot. You can relate to that, right?¡± I blushed and got immediately flustered. ¡°I¡­ what?! What makes you think I got bullied in school?!¡± He raised an eyebrow. ¡°¡­ I was talking about here.¡± Goddammit. ¡°Anyway,¡± He continued. ¡°You never know who¡¯s gonna snap and go Chronicle . Just don¡¯t be a dick. We¡¯re all annoyed by her, we don¡¯t hate her. We don¡¯t hate anyone.¡± ¡°Teh, that¡¯s what you think,¡± I said as I began walking back to the gate. ¡°No two people here are ever using the same ¡®we¡¯. You don¡¯t even know what that word means.¡± ¡°Cody,¡± Roman called as I turned around. ¡°What?¡± He stared at me for a second before speaking. ¡°We don¡¯t hate anyone .¡± Him and Carolette were both looking at me the same way. I tried to say something meaningful in response, but I was too busy being stubborn. I hoped that my extended trouble to turn back around was enough for them to recognize what I wanted to say, and left it at that. Crumbled was the iron bastion that was previously safeguarding my resistance to nurturing a relationship with anyone here, but I was still trying to act like I was allergic to friendship. I was about to get lost in my head about it, before Tim scared the absolute shit out of me and my daze. ¡°Yo, man-¡° ¡°-Jesus!¡± ¡°Sorry,¡± He said as he kicked off from the gate. ¡°I wanted to ask you more about the drone.¡± ¡°Tim, I-¡­ dude, I kinda gotta be somewhere¡­ I barely even remember the thing now-it¡¯s been totally overshadowed by the impromptu WWE Smackdown.¡± ¡°Fair, closest thing to primetime television I¡¯ve been able to catch in a while. I just¡­ will you keep looking for it when you go out?¡± ¡°You kidding? I probably won¡¯t be able to take my eyes off the sky for months.¡± ¡°Heard that,¡± He said with a smirk. Tim¡¯s interest was frankly much too adorable for me to be wound up about it. ¡°You guys could probably see it from the gate if it does show up again,¡± I said as his eyes lit up even more. ¡°It didn¡¯t matter how high it was, that thing is so easy to see in this air.¡± ¡°Dope. Was it fast?¡± ¡°See how far the edge of the horizon is?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Exactly. It was there before I even had the chance to realize it was going that far.¡± ¡°That¡¯s so fucking sick¡­¡± He said that more to himself than me. I¡¯d gotten the opportunity to interact with Tim and Carolette a lot more over the break. Tim¡¯s family in Bien Hoa had sent him to live with his Aunt and Uncle in Jacksonville, Florida when he was five. They weren¡¯t really his blood relatives, just close enough friends from a time that his parents had called them brother and sister. Tim said that most families in his birth-city had those same merits of camaraderie. With familial separation being a notably common occurrence, your family was often just whoever you were the closest to. It took me up until about eight days ago to notice and be told that Tim had a prosthetic left leg. A birth defect (Fibular Hemi-something?) had caused him to only be born with half of the limb. (¡°I think the lamest thing is that I didn¡¯t get the chance to lose it myself,¡± He said. ¡°Like, I missed out on the opportunity to lose it rescuing children from a house fire. Imagine the building collapses and trapped me under rubble, but they pull me out a one-legged hero!¡± ¡°You ever tell someone that it was something like that, though?¡± He raised an eyebrow and smiled. ¡°It¡¯s never gotten me any leg, if that¡¯s what you¡¯re asking.¡±) I¡¯d quickly decided that I kind of loved Tim. He was bullied for it from middle through high school, even having his old prosthetic stolen and burned by some asshole classmates with not-so-repressed racism. Those things are expensive too, but his school never offered to replace it, let alone help to facilitate legal action towards the families of the little fuckers, so there was a two month period where he walked on crutches without one. You can imagine that it didn¡¯t help his already torment-able image. Despite that, the one that finally replaced it is the same one he moves around with now. Moves isn¡¯t a good word, trucks is better. Seeing the way he¡¯s able to keep up with Carolette is even more astonishingly impressive with his handicap. While she knows her place about striking that nerve, Carolette does still pick her moments to make fun of him for it, and Tim seems to have mostly put any trauma about it behind him. I guess he has more pressing unfinished business to focus on, like the debt collectors that are surely hounding his relatives for the debt of his unfinished Georgia Tech automotive technology degree. He had called it from burn-out in the Fall semester of his third year, finding a place to move in with some buddies near campus. The plan was to work off the debt for his Aunt and Uncle, begging them to never let his parents hear a word of it. Of course, he didn¡¯t really get to move into that new apartment when he was sidetracked by the new storage shelves he was trying to find¡­ don¡¯t think I need to tell you what his hold up was¡­ ¡°You know,¡± He began. ¡°This is obviously a pretty ridiculous long shot, but could you see if you can find a telescope or something out there? Even if it¡¯s like a toy one, as long as it magnifies at some capacity. It would just be fun to try and keep some kind of look out for it from here.¡± ¡°Oh hell no,¡± Carolette said as she walked between us. ¡°The peg-leg isn¡¯t enough for you? You need the spyglass to match?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t judge,¡± He said. ¡°I¡¯m livin¡¯ in a material world, captain.¡± Carolette ignored him and began climbing up the ladder to the crow¡¯s nest. Tim turned back to me with a half smile. ¡°I¡¯ll see what I can find,¡± I said. ¡°Thanks a million.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t thank him too much,¡± Carolette called down. ¡°He¡¯s being an asshole today.¡± ¡°Thanks a¡­ hundred,¡± He corrected. ¡°Better,¡± She said as Tim began following her up the ladder. As much as she scolded me, I was more than fine with Carolette. On the other hand from Tim, she¡¯d been pretty content with never touching a college campus. She was smart enough to know that it was a sign-up sheet for a monetary ball/chain that would grip her for the next thirty years. Looking back, she obviously wishes she had chosen that over this, but she¡¯s still proud of never signing herself away. Living in Chicago, she got a job as a Taxi-driver, which apparently has far more red-tape of exam and license requirements than I would have ever guessed. While she claimed it had paid way better than you¡¯d expect, it understandably made up for it with its more than fair share of drunks, creeps and both. Carolette estimates that she might¡¯ve been in the triple-digits for how many bottles of pepper spray she bought in just two years. After her mom hadn¡¯t stayed around for very long into her childhood, she and her father had shared a small uptown apartment into her adulthood. She had wanted to get her own place with friends right out of high school, but her dad¡¯s Huntington¡¯s had kept her at home. She stayed with him until the unfortunate close, only then working up the motivation to try and leave when she couldn¡¯t bear to stay in that memory-riddled space alone. Her poison was a partition divider. Seems like it would have been less expensive to get something like that off of Temu, but I have a feeling she doesn¡¯t have to hear that from me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Once the two were gone, Connor waved to me from the gate door. ¡°Hey dude,¡± He began. I did not like Connor the same way I did Tim and Carolette. Most of that was probably unfair, but I associated him with most of the janitorial duties I had performed in the past month, even though I knew it was Natalie that forced him to assign them to me. Didn¡¯t care. I actively knit my brow and ignored him, continuing to walk away. If I ever saw myself becoming a stable member of R&E, I probably didn¡¯t want to have a bad relationship with the guy that makes the cleaning schedule, and that¡¯s smart and all, but I still valued my unlikable persona over my intelligence. I didn¡¯t like talking to Connor. Also, listen. Saying things like that isn¡¯t as easy for me as you think it is. Just because I like someone, doesn¡¯t mean I like talking to them. Case in point: ¡°You know that I have to ask you where you¡¯re going, right?¡± Roman said behind me as I stopped my retreat. I turned around to see The Thing holding the cart in front of him. I had just walked away from it after arguing with him and Carolette. I was being an asshole today. ¡°Look,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s not something that¡¯s gonna get you in any deep shit, alright?¡± He rubbed his neck. ¡°Listen, I totally trust you believing that, it¡¯s just¡­ I don¡¯t trust you to know the margins of what will and will not get me into deep shit.¡± I began walking towards him to take the cart, but he actively stepped back with it as I stopped. I rolled my eyes and turned around. ¡°You know, if she finds out, whatever happens to you will be nothing compared to me,¡± I said as I began walking away. ¡°I think you can handle it, string-bean.¡± Haha. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Maybe that was true. Or maybe more body is just more ground for her to cover. I didn¡¯t know how long Natalie had been here, but I knew it was a lot longer than most people. I imagine that her and Roman have had plenty of time to get into heated debates. He seemed like someone that could absorb a lot more battery than I could, and I briefly imagined a scenario of him being the central pincushion of Natalie¡¯s frustration¡­ Very briefly. I quickly finished and told myself that he could get the fuck over it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The door opened, leaving the only separation to be the glass screen between Sandra and I. Her face scrunched hard enough that I was surprised it didn¡¯t implode. ¡°Why are you here?¡± She said promptly through the screen door. ¡°You were here yesterday.¡± ¡°Well, my run got a little disrupted today,¡± I replied. ¡°So, I¡¯m going out tomorrow instead, but also the day after that¡­ I was hoping you could see me now?¡± She stared at me in disbelief before rubbing her forehead. ¡°Are you sure she¡¯s not following you? You know there¡¯s no privacy here, right? I heard that argument from all the way over here.¡± ¡°Oh, so you do know why I¡¯m here?¡± ¡°Cody, with the way she was yelling at you, I think you should consider the possibility of her being on high-alert mode for the rest of the day.¡± I looked behind my back, as truthfully, I hadn¡¯t considered that. Now that I was considering it, rest of the month seemed far more likely. ¡°If she is, you can tell her I threatened you,¡± I replied as I turned around. ¡°With what weapon?¡± I patted my empty post-Roman-pat-down pockets. ¡°Do you¡­ have a weapon you can loan me?¡± Sandra sighed and unlocked the screen, walking away out of sight. I did another double take around before sliding into the entrance of the infirmary, closing the door behind me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She ran her hand over the stitches as I lightly winced. ¡°No bleeding, right?¡± Sandra asked. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t bleed from this arm if you paid me,¡± I replied. She swished her lips impatiently, prodding at the area a little. ¡°You shouldn¡¯t be so sensitive still, that¡¯s not the best sign¡­ but I¡¯m confident in your granulation besides that. Let¡¯s hope it¡¯s just because you¡¯re a wuss.¡± The day I came back from my first run with Kanata, I had made the decision to entrust Elijah with the knowledge of the bite, begging him not to tell Natalie. He flipped shit, but eventually agreed. HOLY TOLEDO, DUDE! YOU TRYNA DO AN IMPRESSION OF GODZILLA¡¯S TEETHING RING?! I think that¡®s a proficient paraphrase of his reaction. He beseeched Sandra like a pharaoh, panhandling to let me receive undocumented-treatment for the ridiculous wound my stupidity had attracted. She abstained for two days before she caved, but promised she would hold it over both of our heads for as long as we lived, and of course, Elijah claimed his groveling efforts as a token of scale-tipping that he could hold over my head for our next five-hundred points of contention. Sandra had given me a beautiful row of stitches to suture the wound. We had become more than comfortably acquainted that day, as I had involuntarily shown a childishly weak (and hysterical) side of myself to her, more than I thought was possible to show to anyone in my right mind. Ever gotten stitches with no numbing agent? It kind of tickles. ¡°Does it still feel like there¡¯s a cavern in your arm?¡± She said. ¡°You need to tell me if it starts randomly hurting again. Have you had anything like that?¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s just consistently a little throbby. No random bursts. ¡°You haven¡¯t been itching it, right?¡± ¡°No. Itching or picking.¡± ¡°Is that a lie?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t lie to you.¡± She looked away to consider believing me. ¡°And¡­¡± I said. ¡°I would like to avoid walking around with the cone on my head.¡± Her eyes shot back to me, as she suddenly took my arm in both hands, holding it up to her nose. She deeply inhaled as I cringed in awkward discomfort. She thought for a second before returning my limb to me. ¡°Inflammation isn¡¯t gonna show its face again at this stage. I think you¡¯re doing really well. You can start coming every fourth day. To be honest, I wouldn¡¯t mind that being once every week . I want you here as little as possible.¡± ¡°Really? That felt like a pretty open invitation to come see you when you¡¯re off work.¡± She glared at me and stood from her chair next to the examination-Lazyboy. ¡°How are you breathing lately?¡± She said. I instinctively took a deep breath to make sure I still could. I did that every once in a while whenever I remembered my couple weeks of tar-lung. Like getting stuck manually breathing, but with a way more dramatic startup. ¡°Fine,¡± I said. ¡°But if I do end up coughing, it¡¯s bad now. Sharp¡­ around the chest.¡± ¡°Might just be a mucus buildup, keep me updated on that.¡± ¡°Okay¡­ I¡¯ve been running with Kanata a lot.¡± ¡°That¡¯s good. Do more of that.¡± She walked over to a cabinet and retrieved a small wash cloth. ¡°How regularly did you exercise before showing up here?¡± She asked. Every night at about 11:45. ¡°Regularly enough¡­ twice a-¡­ week, maybe. But we should definitely clarify that it was exercising¡­ not ¡®working out¡¯.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t need you to clarify that.¡± Ouch. She grabbed a bottle of water and soaked a small slosh into the cloth, sitting back down across from me. ¡°You worked in an office, right? Were you sitting down all day?¡± She began dabbing and gently rubbing the cloth around the wound. Enough pressure that it wasn¡¯t pleasant, but not enough to where I was so physically distracted. ¡°Well I¡­ I was at home more than I was at the ¡®office¡¯. ¡± ¡°Did you go for walks a lot?¡± ¡°I tried to. Just to combat tension headaches.¡± She nodded. ¡°A worker-bee is the neurologist¡¯s daydream.¡± ¡°You make it sound like they¡¯re scam artists.¡± ¡°They are. Hacks if anything. Doesn¡¯t mean I think they got there easily, and a neurosurgeon is a different story, but the computer, ironically, is the neurologist, not the human. Unless the practice has gone archaic in the time I¡¯ve been here. I still doubt that anyone would notice if it did.¡± I had come to know Sandra to have a quite dry sense of humor. Her smile and laugh were present, but only within the tones of her responses, as she never actively let them reach the surface. She is constantly stressed, but not by workload rather than general unease. Sandra is always waiting for something unfathomably horrible to occur every next second she¡¯s awake. Whether it¡¯s to herself or to the citizens around her is irrelevant, she just always seems to be barely on the edge of her current plane of sanity. Personally, from my time with her, I have reason to believe she would handle that slip quite gracefully, but despite her general civility, it can sometimes be incredibly exhausting to be in a room with her. I often feel guilty for not being on the same mild panic-high that she is constantly blitzed with. She also shares a first name with my parole officer, so I¡¯m trying to force myself to absolve her from that association. ¡°Think they say the same thing about doctors?¡± She looked up, shooting me an eyebrow. ¡°They think they are doctors¡­¡± She responded before looking down. ¡°¡­ and I mean¡­ they are¡­ legally¡­¡± I also think Sandra is¡­ strangely attractive. ¡°Do you want to look at the cut on my stoma-¡° ¡°-no. Let it get infected.¡± KnockKnockKnock We both shot around as there was a sudden rapping on the door. ¡°Goddammit, Cody.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think that¡¯s-¡° ¡°-Guys!¡± An overly-hyper voice breathed through the door. ¡°Let me in before someone sees me and reveals our secret hideout!¡± Sandra groaned and stood. She slumped towards the door, opening it to reveal Elijah¡¯s already smiling face on the other side of the glass. ¡°Please don¡¯t let him in¡­¡± I said. She stared at me coldly as she stepped away from the still unlocked screen door, which she constantly had to remind me to lock on my way in. Elijah noticed my negligence as he entered it happily. ¡°Now you two can both leave together,¡± She said in monotone. ¡°Agreed!¡± Elijah called as he took Sandra¡¯s previous seat next to me. ¡°Wanna eat something? Late afternoon lunch slash early dinner? It would¡­ be your only dinner.¡± ¡°Do I have a choice?¡± I said. ¡°They¡¯re gonna make me stay in the kitchen for the rest of the day, aren¡¯t they?¡± ¡°Would you rather go back to the cell? You must feel just a little homesick from it, right?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not that sentimental.¡± His smile widened ever-further. ¡°Come on,¡± He said. ¡°Roman told me you had a bad run, so I asked Margo if she could make you lunch.¡± ¡°Oh, you uh-¡­ you didn¡¯t have to do that .¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t do it, Margo did. I just told her to slip some bleach powder into it.¡± Elijah and I had gotten¡­ kind of better. I still think he¡¯s annoying, and the day I stop thinking that is the day the cabin fever has started eating my prefrontal cortex. However¡­ sometimes the nice side of Elijah is just¡­ nice. Margo had inspired me to try and appreciate it while it was there. ¡°Were you with her all morning? You never showed up to the gate when I first came back.¡± His smile disappeared a little. ¡°I actually went there first just now, but you were already here.¡± That felt like a subject-change I didn¡¯t want to latch onto. ¡°Well, I thought I was gonna see you there when I got back, since Sean wasn¡¯t there anymore,¡± I said. ¡°Where¡¯d he go?¡± ¡°You think I have any clue what that guy¡¯s up to? Maybe he¡¯s shaving his head to go beat up some middle schoolers? I don¡¯t know, he¡¯s probably with Natalie.¡± I¡¯m sure I flinched a little. I tried so hard not to, and I immediately felt angry that there was no way he hadn¡¯t seen. He was surely about to say something before Sandra unintentionally saved me. ¡°Elijah!¡± She yelled. ¡°I need you out of here! Genetta is going to be here with Evelyn any second. You know the kind of mouth she¡¯s got. Get him and go!¡± I looked over to her. ¡°What¡¯s up with Evelyn?¡± I said. ¡°What¡¯s up? What isn¡¯t up with-¡° She paused and turned back to the drawer she was rummaging through, realizing she¡¯d been speaking without a filter. ¡°Every fourth day, Cody. You can handle that thing on your own if she doesn¡¯t cut it off once she catches you.¡± I gave Elijah an eyebrow, as he drummed on his legs and stood up swiftly, exiting the infirmary before I even reached my feet. I got up to open the screen. I poked my head out to make sure no one else was there, then briefly leaned back in. ¡°Thank you, Sandra.¡± She stopped rummaging but didn¡¯t turn around. ¡°Don¡¯t mention it, just stop doing dumb things.¡± I smiled as I slipped out of the infirmary, knowing there was absolutely no feasible way I could submit to that agreement. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I don¡¯t see the logic.¡± I took a bite of my Caesar-salad-waffle : the special dish that Margo had assigned to me (¡­per my request). Yeahhhh, I liked it. It was weird, and I liked it. ¡°You feel bad about spiders getting killed though, don¡¯t you?¡± Elijah said. Margo pitched a tent with her elbows, squishing her cheeks as she kicked Elijah gently under the table with her swinging legs. Elijah sat to my left. Allen sat silently in front of me with his nose in ¡°Endless Steppe¡± (God knows if he was actually reading that thing). ¡°Well, yeah. I don¡¯t know. The micro-shits are different,¡± She replied. ¡°Like, does something that small even know that it¡¯s alive?¡± Elijah ticked. ¡°I mean¡­ some lovecraftian monolith somewhere in the universe could be saying that same thing about you,¡± He said. ¡°Hell, someone on Earth could say that about you .¡± She kicked him a little harder than the usual. ¡°Very funny, giant.¡± Cute. As the three had joined me to eat my lunch, Margo had started talking about seeing a fruit fly yesterday for the first time in about eight months. Since the produce seems to just spawn out of obscurity, there isn¡¯t really any chance for grubs to set up shop in fermented cubbies. Chances are, any bug who showed up the same as we all did, it probably wouldn¡¯t reach a Caf¨¦ in triple its lifespan. That makes for one beautiful bullet-point on the lonely pro¡¯s list of living in an infinite IKEA. No bugs. Usually. ¡°I just wonder if it got the chance to lay eggs,¡± She said, tracing a figure-8 on the table with her finger. ¡°If it did, it basically still lived a full life, despite getting trapped here. There¡¯s no way it even noticed what happened to it. It must be nice to be unbothered by something like that.¡± ¡°Well, that¡¯s sweet, but let¡¯s go ahead and hope it didn¡¯t,¡± Elijah replied. ¡°You killed it, right?¡± ¡°Terminator over here did,¡± She said, throwing a thumb towards Allen. ¡°That is one of my mission parameters¡­¡± ¡°Lazy one, Al.¡± ¡°Wait,¡± I interrupted for the first time in the conversation. ¡°You killed it?¡± Margo shot me a strange look. ¡°Did you wanna name it? It¡¯s a fruit fly, Cody.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure he was just confirming,¡± Elijah said. ¡°He just told me he isn¡¯t very sentimental.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not like it¡¯s Kanata,¡± Margo added. ¡°It wasn¡¯t nearly as cute, so I¡¯m sure you would have done the same.¡± ¡°Uhhhh, maybe not if it helped me save a kid,¡± I said, trying to brush off my somewhat unintentional outburst. I pulled on the fabric of my long-sleeve, waiting for Elijah to poke a joke about a fruit-fly nearly ripping my arm off in a parallel timeline. ¡°Have you guys uhh¡­¡± I began before he could. ¡°Have you guys seen Lizzie since then?¡± There was a small silent argument about who would answer me. ¡°Well yeah,¡± Margo lost and said. ¡°We¡¯ve never threatened any children so¡­¡± I glared at her. ¡°¡­ She¡¯s doing okay,¡± She said. I looked back to my waffle, gently poking it to death. ¡°Would you tell me if she wasn¡¯t?¡± ¡°I uhh¡­ I guess so.¡± ¡°Honestly,¡± Elijah agreed. ¡°You might be one of the first people I told¡­ though, I don¡¯t really know if that¡¯s so much in the ballpark for Liz. She¡¯s strong.¡± ¡°Strong for a human or strong for a kid?¡± ¡°Both, but I mean¡­¡± He said. ¡°You should know from experience how strong she is-¡° ¡°-Elijah!¡± Margo steamed as I heard another hard kick. ¡°What?¡± He defended. ¡°Elizabeth is fine, dude.¡± ¡°She¡¯s not fine,¡± I said firmly as I looked up to him. ¡° I¡¯m not even fine after being down there. How could she be fine after that?¡± He tilted his head back and forth. ¡°You¡¯d be surprised. Humans are damn resilient. Especially kids.¡± I wanted to retort, but instead, looked back down at my plate. ¡°You think?¡± I felt his fingers tapping around the underside of the table. ¡° ¡®When our sun explodes, we¡¯ll just make brighter flashlights¡¯. ¡± I felt my head go sideways. ¡°I think there¡¯s a small snag in that somewhere.¡± He laughed. ¡°It¡¯s more of an optimistic maxim than an actual critique on human perseverance. My dad just used to say it.¡± ¡°Did your dad know how stars work?¡± I cringed at how unknowingly insensitive that statement might¡¯ve been, even as I heard Margo giggle a little. ¡°Maybe he was a little misinformed,¡± He said. ¡°You know what¡¯s funny, actually? He and my mom were both obsessed with stars. Just space in general I guess but jeez¡­ those two had a serious constellation fetish.¡± I looked up, trying to hide my once-a-day Elijah-smile. ¡°They were into space?¡± I said. ¡°They weren¡¯t religious then?¡± ¡°You can be into space and be religious at the same time,¡± He said, a little sarcastically. ¡°Atheism and The church of Scientology don¡¯t fucking own Space.¡± ¡°No I just¡­ they named their kid Elijah so- ¡°-what does that have to do with it?¡± He said, laughing. ¡°The Bible steals all the cool names and now my parents are Jesus freaks for trying to repurpose it for their sexy antichrist-son?!¡± Margo laughed out loud. Allen moaned a little. Neither Sexy nor Antichrist were words I would use for Elijah. Check back on ¡°antichrist¡±. ¡°How¡¯d your parents choose ¡®Diego¡¯ ?¡± Elijah said suddenly. I dropped my fork and looked at him with my face red. ¡°Dude! Shut up!¡± I whispered-yelled. ¡°What, man?!-Margo already knows.¡± ¡°Does Allen ?!¡± ¡°He does now! What¡¯s he gonna do? Tell Natalie? She¡¯s the one that told me.¡± ¡°I know but¡­ Jesus, I just don¡¯t want anyone using it.¡± ¡°Awww, I think it¡¯s a nice name,¡± Margo teased. ¡°They thought you were gonna be a little explorer. And look! They were right!¡± She waved a palm around the air as I sat back with my arms crossed. ¡°Diego means ¡®Saint Jacob¡¯,¡± I said. ¡°Ohhh okay,¡± Elijah said. ¡°So your parents were the ones that were Bible thumpers.¡± ¡°Where¡¯d ¡®Cody¡¯ come from then?¡± Allen mumbled behind his book as my eyes widened . ¡°That is a great fuckin¡¯ question, Allen!¡± Margo cheered word by word. ¡°Yeah, tell us! Was that your teenage rebellion call-sign?¡± I scoffed a little and looked towards the kitchen. I saw Nikko passing by in the doorway, carrying dirty trays. I stood up. ¡°Can I go help Nikko clean?¡± I asked Margo. ¡°Awww what?! Wait, I wanna know too!¡± Elijah said. ¡°Is it short for something?¡± ¡° ¡®Cody¡¯ ? I don¡¯t know, not to me. Maybe Dakota, but that sounds pretty feminine.¡± ¡°And? I think it suits you,¡± He said. ¡°Mind if I start calling you that?¡± I couldn¡¯t tell if that was a genuine request or playful banter. ¡°Can I start calling you ¡®cocksucker¡¯ ?¡± He smiled. ¡°You don¡¯t already?¡± I ignored him and looked back to Margo, silently restating my request. ¡°Yes, Cody. You may,¡± She said in a motherly tone. I nodded and began walking away from the table, hearing Margo scold Elijah further about his comment on Lizzie¡¯s strength. I didn¡¯t care, I think I deserved it for letting it happen, but the joke had already been told by God at my expense. It didn¡¯t sound any more clever coming from Elijah. I curled around the serving line and entered the kitchen. Nikko was at the running sink, scrubbing away at a pan that seemed to have once been filled with mashed potatoes. Two clean ones were sitting to his right. His left was occupied by about twenty. I walked up to him. ¡°Hey,¡± I said. He turned around and gave me a ¡°sup?¡± head flick. ¡°You get tired of playing footsies with Allen?¡± He said. I frowned. ¡°Margo said you were gonna come and sit with us before cleaning anything.¡± He turned back around to the sink. ¡°You got a crush on me or something? I¡¯ll eat with you next time.¡± I had grown to really like Nikko. I hoped he liked me too, at least a little. He was like Elijah, but much more¡­ hang on, maybe I shouldn¡¯t describe him that way. He was like a male Margo. That¡¯s¡­ kind of okay, I guess. I walked up to his side. ¡°You know,¡± I said. ¡°If someone is gonna be doing all the dishes alone, it should probably be the guy on work-release.¡± He looked annoyed as he stopped scrubbing. ¡°How about you just help me with them, Tory?¡± He slid to the side, making room for me to grab a tray and a sponge beside him. ¡°What happened to you today, anyway?¡± He said. ¡°I heard you came back screaming that the sky was falling.¡± I wasn¡¯t embarrassed about the event, but I didn¡¯t really want to keep talking about it with everyone. ¡°I just¡­ thought I saw something flying around. It was stupid, maybe.¡± ¡°Yeah, that sounds pretty stupid.¡± ¡°Like you¡¯d know. You never leave this fucking room.¡± ¡°Okay, maybe not stupid¡­ you could be going crazy, though. Do you feel like you¡¯re going crazy?¡° I ticked. ¡°Like, am I even real?¡± I said, sarcastically. ¡°Are you even real? Are we both figments of each other¡¯s imagination?! And if so, does that mean we don¡¯t have to wash these dishes?¡± ¡°Shut up, dude. The dishes are real.¡± ¡°Yeah. Seems that way¡­¡± I handed him my ¡°finished¡± tray. ¡°You know that isn¡¯t done,¡± He said. ¡°Hand me another one.¡± He handed mine back to me, as I handed him a new one. ¡°Do you ever feel crazy?¡± I said. ¡°Feel like you¡¯re losing yourself a little?¡± ¡°Who are you? Ren¨¦ Descartes? I was joking, man.¡± ¡°I¡¯m serious. Do you really believe a place like this is possible?¡± He sighed. ¡°¡­ Ummmm¡­ thing is, like¡­ no? Not really. But¡­ I think I¡¯m stuck a little too deep in it by now for that to be meaningful in any way. You think this place gives a shit if I believe that it¡¯s real or not?¡± ¡°It could . What if you¡¯re in a coma, and the only way to wake up is to confront the fact that you¡¯re in one?¡± ¡°And you think that just works ? Is that how people wake up from comas nowadays? That seems pretty theatrical.¡± ¡°Maybe. I don¡¯t think you¡¯re always dreaming in a coma, though. I think it¡¯s actually pretty rare that you are, so it¡¯s probably pretty theatrically horrific whenever it happens.¡± ¡°Yeah, but I know damn well that not every coma is a bad one. I¡¯ve heard way too many stories of people coming to, and thinking they lived a whole second life with this beautiful family. They wake up in that hospital and lose their fuckin¡¯ marbles, begging to go back, feeling like they abandoned their real selves.¡± ¡°So you think you¡¯d feel that way? You would feel like you¡¯re abandoning your real self when you can¡¯t wash dishes with me anymore?¡± ¡°Yeah, I¡¯d be just heartbroken, Confucius.¡± I smiled. ¡°How¡¯s this look? Before you run out of philosopher names,¡± I said, showing him my tray. ¡°That¡¯s good,¡± He said as he took it. I grabbed another. ¡°I think I¡¯d be okay,¡± I said. ¡°If I went back right now.¡± ¡°Oh yeah?¡± ¡°Probably. Wouldn¡¯t be going back to the nicest welcoming committee¡­ but I could re-adjust.¡± I heard him swishing around his spit. ¡°How long have you been here again?¡± He asked. Nikko was on his fourth year. ¡°Calm down, let¡¯s not have a dick-measuring contest over who¡¯s more traumatized. I¡¯m sure you¡¯d win.¡± He smiled victoriously. ¡°Yeah, true. Although¡­ I still think I might be alright if I left. That¡¯s the thing. I really¡­ don¡¯t feel crazy. Don¡¯t feel like my social skills have even suffered, you know?¡± ¡°Well¡­ mine were never stellar.¡± ¡°Ya don¡¯t say?¡± ¡°Whatever, rabbi. I¡¯d love to watch your traumatized ass step outside and be the socially-inept spectacle of every room you walk into.¡± ¡°Ohhh I see, I wouldn¡¯t be able to tell, because I¡¯m insane.¡± ¡°Yeah, dude. I¡¯m sure some crazy people know they¡¯re crazy, but they can¡¯t all know. I bet half of em¡¯ walk around thinking they¡¯re Harvey Specter.¡± ¡°Alright, well I think we know which half is which between the two of us.¡± ¡°O-ho-ho yeah?! And I¡¯m the crazy crazy one?!¡± ¡°You¡¯ve got yourself surrounded, dickhead. You¡¯ve constantly got like three mental breakdowns cooking in one oven.¡± ¡°And look at how well I¡¯m managing it! You know how much skill it takes to be constantly multitasking like that? I¡¯m a goddamn artist!¡± ¡°And every good artist is famously out of their COMPLETE fucking mind. I am fine with not having a creative bone in my body.¡± I stopped scrubbing for a moment and thought about not saying this. ¡°You know, you¡¯ve got a pie or two in the oven yourself.¡± He kept scrubbing but looked over to me. ¡°What¡¯s that ominous ass shit supposed to mean?¡± Two raises of the eyebrows. He stopped scrubbing and grabbed my tray, putting both of ours in the clean stack. ¡°Move on, Cody,¡± He said as he reached over me to grab a dirty one. ¡°You¡¯re out of your line with that.¡± ¡°I know. That¡¯s why I didn¡¯t say anything just yet. I want you to say it.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not talking to you about it, dude-¡° ¡°-I¡¯m not gonna tell anyone-¡° ¡°-You won¡¯t have to if she walks in. She¡¯s sitting like fifty feet away.¡± I smiled maliciously. ¡°Pussy.¡± He glared at me. ¡°Guess that¡¯s what I am,¡± He said calmly, as he returned to scrubbing. Oh, I thought that would work. Hang on, I¡¯ve got more ideas. ¡°Margo¡¯s not stupid, Nikko. You don¡¯t think she already has an idea?¡± He didn¡¯t look at me, but stopped scrubbing for a moment. ¡°I hope she doesn¡¯t,¡± He said as he continued scrubbing. ¡°I like Elijah. I don¡¯t wanna¡­ you know¡­ rock any sort of boat. But¡­ whatever, it¡¯s shitty.¡± I knew what he meant, and it sucked. ¡°But you know you¡¯re not shitty, right?¡± I said as he waved me away, splashing dirty water on me. ¡°You can¡¯t help the way you feel.¡± ¡°You can try to, and I¡¯ve fucking tried¡­ it¡¯s harder to start a connection in this place than you think. You¡¯d think everyone would be so desperate that we¡¯d all just kind of fall into it, but that kind of thing is hard here. There¡¯s a pretty thin line between spoken for and so off the deep end socially that your half in it would be manipulative.¡± Funny, Elijah seems to fit both of those some days. ¡°I¡¯m happy for them, and I mean that,¡± He continued . ¡°I¡¯m happy they both have someone in this but¡­ shit man¡­ I¡¯ve had thoughts before. Never anything I would EVER act on but just¡­ imagining what it would be like if things changed between them¡­ no matter what that means¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I mean¡­ maybe you¡¯re clearheaded,¡± I said. ¡°But if you¡¯re not crazy, you¡¯re definitely a psychopath.¡± He laughed and elbowed me so hard that it still feels sore as I¡¯m writing this. ¡°¡­thanks for listening, you freak¡± He said. ¡°You¡¯re better at consoling than you are at cleaning.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Elijah had snuck me into a bathroom visit before escorting me home, telling me to ¡°not get used to cutting the line¡±. I returned to the house around 5:15. Natalie wasn¡¯t there. I didn¡¯t feel like being creative. I didn¡¯t rummage through any of her things, anticipating that she had a proximity mine stashed somewhere under a dresser she never touches. I didn¡¯t explore the living/kitchen , and I tried to not even think about ¡°alone time¡± (no way I could ever do that in this house). I went to my room and picked up the book that Elijah had lent me. He said he checked it back in and out under my name, and that I could reward him the delivery fee at a later date. It was the one that he and Margo had already read. ¡°She¡¯s Come Undone¡± It¡¯s fine. Not exactly the fantastical fiction that I would usually be degenerately attracted to. No pictures of Japanese women. Haha (Jesus Christ I swear that was supposed to be a joke, please believe me). I used to read a lot, but I think it just got kind of¡­ ruined for me. I tried to focus on the unbelievably gripping story of mild 1950¡¯s domestics, but I really was just constantly listening for Natalie to barge in the door. She never did though. The lights had gone out and she still wasn¡¯t here. I wasn¡¯t extremely tired, and focusing on trying to sleep was even harder with her potential entrance still looming. But she never came back that night, not to what I remember anyway. That was even more nerve-racking than her being here, of course. Eh, it¡¯s a close match. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I thought about her as I was falling asleep. I obviously spent that whole night thinking about her returning, but that¡¯s not what I mean. I was just thinking about what she does all day. She¡¯s gone tonight, where usually she seems to take joy in making sure I¡¯m caught in a corner somewhere. I wonder what she¡¯s doing right now. She must have a ¡°job¡±, right? Responsibilities that only she fulfills? I guess I¡¯d like to know what kind of headache she has to deal with outside of me and the obvious danger of this world. She said I have no idea, and she¡¯s right, I don¡¯t. Realistically, would it make me less of an aggravation to know? That¡¯s just about 50/50. I don¡¯t know¡­ sometimes¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡­it would just be nice to know what¡¯s going on in her head. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª (Continued in 2/3) Part Nine 2/3 (Continued from 1/3 - READ THAT FIRST) My ¡°patient¡± endurance has begun spiraling on day fifty-six, the morning of me writing this. Step one: I woke up calmly. I didn¡¯t have a lot of mornings like that anymore. That was an immediate tell that Natalie was still not here. Or maybe she came and left¡­ didn¡¯t matter. She wasn¡¯t here now. I rubbed my head and sat up. The door was closed, even though I knew I had fallen asleep with it still open. There was something on it that my eyes couldn¡¯t see from the bed, crusted shut as they still were with sleep particles. I groaned and slid out of the sheets. The clock on my dresser said 10:19. This poor-excuse for a day/night cycle was bending my circadian rhythm to its will¡­ like a normal human. I stood and slumped over to the door. There was a post-it note sitting at almost my perfect eye-level. Come downstairs. That doesn¡¯t feel threatening at all. Maybe Natalie is home. This handwriting doesn¡¯t strike me as being Natalie¡¯s, but I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve even seen her handwriting before. Maybe this is what Death¡¯s signature looks like when he signs your soul away. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I guided myself nervously down the stairs, waiting for the moment that I would be cold-cocked by my incendiary roommate. My nerves calmed only EVER SO SLIGHTLY when I turned to see who was actually sitting on our couch. ¡°Um¡­ hi?¡± I said. Roman¡¯s head shot up, as he had been dozing whilst waiting for me. ¡°Ugh, hey,¡± He said. ¡°You¡¯re awake.¡° ¡°Yeah. Now that makes two of us.¡± He scoffed and stood. ¡°I showed up an hour ago. I thought Natalie usually woke you up before the lights came on. But you were¡­ obviously sleeping still¡­¡± I raised an eyebrow at him. Had he been¡­ watching me sleep? ¡°You didn¡¯t think to wake me up?¡± I wanted to tease him and ask if he thought I looked like a sleeping angel, but most of the time, I just didn¡¯t feel like it with Roman. Roman was the one person that made me feel like I didn¡¯t even want to try and be funny. Nothing was ever funny around Roman. Even if his reaction was the same that I would have desired from someone else, his surrounding energy just seemed to Hoover up my enjoyment of the moment completely. ¡°I thought I was doing you a solid by letting you wake up on your own,¡± He said. ¡°Guess I¡¯m not getting a ¡®thank you¡¯ for bypassing the boot-camp roll-call?¡± ¡°Isn¡¯t that like¡­ your job?¡± He looked kind of prematurely pissed before I had even said that. He grunted and walked over to the fridge. Natalie put water bottles in it every once in a while, but I hadn¡¯t seen anything in that fridge in over a week. He opened the door, taking way too long to look at what was definitely nothing. ¡°So¡­¡± I began. ¡°Why is it that you¡¯re here again? You mentioned it a little too quickly the last time you uhhh¡­ completely forgot to mention it¡­¡± He kept his head in the fridge, but answered. ¡°I gotta send you out today.¡± I looked out the front window to notice that the cart was already there. I usually was brought to the kitchen to drive it back through town, but Roman must have brought it himself. While I hadn¡¯t forgotten about going out today to make up for yesterday morning, I still scratched my head as to why he was here. ¡°Yeah but like¡­ you know why I¡¯m asking you that, right?¡± He finally closed the fridge, ignoring me. ¡°Do you know where Natalie keeps her gun?¡± I felt a slight drop in my stomach. ¡°That seems like it would be¡­ a problem if I knew.¡± ¡°Yeah, I know, dude. I¡¯m asking you if that problem is existent or not.¡± I don¡¯t know how much higher my eyebrow could raise. ¡°Well, I definitely don¡¯t think that she keeps it in her fridge¡­¡± He rubbed his hands through his hair (have I mentioned how miraculous of a pompadour he has for someone living in a furniture superstore?). ¡°Alright, let¡¯s go,¡± He said. ¡°You¡¯re late, aren¡¯t you?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, I¡¯ve never been on time-¡­ why are you looking for Natalie¡¯s gun?¡± ¡°Come on. I¡¯m serious, we gotta move. You ready?¡± I rubbed my eyes. ¡°I¡­ no. Hang on.¡± I walked awkwardly back up the steps, almost jumping around the corner to escape Roman¡¯s eye-line. I just needed the backpack and the notebook. Natalie or Elijah usually gave me the pole when I went to the kitchen, but I was pretty sure we weren¡¯t going there. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I walked back down, only slightly more prepared, to see Roman nervously shifting his weight by the open front door. For someone as intimidating as Roman was, he acted pretty fucking timid sometimes. He turned to me. ¡°Before you say anything,¡± I said. ¡°I counted. It was eighty-seven seconds, so don¡¯t be dramatic.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t do that. I¡¯m trying to help you help us both.¡± We stepped outside as he took the cart and waved his hand in a direction that was NOT going towards the gate. I stood firm for a moment. ¡°Roman, where is Natalie?¡± I saw his fist grip the railing a lot tighter. ¡°She¡¯s fine¡­ I promise¡­ she¡¯s just busy, okay? Really goddamn busy¡­ and stressed. It¡¯s a blessing that she¡¯s not here with you.¡± I¡­ believed him. Enough to not ask where I was going. I just started walking. Silently. I heard the cart wheels following behind me as I set-off. ¡°Why,¡± He said behind me. ¡°You worried about her or something?¡± And I seriously do like Roman, but¡­ ¡°You wanna fucking Nobel, detective?¡± ¡­ he makes it really difficult. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Right here.¡± I stopped in front of a two story house, a great deal wider than Natalie¡¯s. Roman stopped the cart behind me and walked to the door, opening it and walking in before peeking back out. ¡°Are you¡­ coming?¡± I looked at the structure nervously. ¡°Is this your house? Why are we here?¡± ¡°I left the pole here. Natalie gave it to me last night.¡± ¡°So go get it, then.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not gonna leave you out in the street. I want you to come stand in the living room.¡± I didn¡¯t know what time it currently was, but I felt pretty confident that I didn¡¯t have the time for this. Especially since I wanted to write today. I was also a little bit confused why Natalie¡¯s schedule was restricting Elijah from escorting me the way he already had in the past. ¡°Do you know where it is already?¡± I asked as I approached the door. ¡°Yeah, in the house.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Roman¡¯s house was dark, almost abyssal. He had lights, but he kept them all off. He had windows, but he kept them all closed. He had enough decorative ¡°belongings¡± and furniture for the home to look normal and inviting on paper, but instead, it felt like I was walking around in the shadow of a corpse. ¡°Alright, just hang here for a minute, alright? I¡¯ll be back.¡± He began exiting the room before receiving my confirmation. ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you tie me up or something?¡± I called sarcastically. ¡°How about you follow me and prove I couldn¡¯t handle you?¡± He called back coldly. Maybe if he had a metal poll, and I had a samurai sword, it would be a somewhat fair fight. I looked around the room, trying to find a distraction from the desire to genuinely try escaping. The room was landlocked by the stairs to the second level and the room that Roman had entered, the same direction of the front door. I think I¡¯m too tired to try my luck. I sighed and sat down in the cushioned chair in the corner. I could barely make out the sound of Roman rummaging through things in the other room. I looked around. The living room was somewhat of a dining room as well. A beautiful, almost Victorian wooden table stood in the center of the large room. The white tablecloth dripping over only its vertical edges was covered in bluebirds on exponentially stretching branches. There was even a small chandelier suspended above it by the support of two rafters. It was¡­ obviously kind of crooked, but the attempt seemed campy enough for the thought to count. It was pretty. Something about the room made me really want to small talk with Roman. Ask him some stupid question about his family, where he went to school, what his favorite movie was¡­ I didn¡¯t know anything about him, and I had never asked Elijah. For how many uncomfortably intimate moments I¡¯d shared with him thus far, I felt like I barely recognized him. The bookshelves at the side of the room held a wealth of board games and emptied picture frames. I guess the empty frames were less strange than the clearly procedurally generated photos of false humans. I had still been hoping to look over and see pictures of him and his real world friends, forgetting that this house was built in limbo. There was one frame that did have a photo, but it looked to be drawn with crayons. The photo displayed a blue stick-man, but with two biblically accurate arms of muscle. A pink stick-woman with two big circles around her torso was hugging him. A heart was drawn above the both of them. I wonder if-¡­ Crrrrrr My head shot around as I heard an uncomfortable ache come from the floor above. I stood from the chair, looking towards the steps. With that ominous creak, I realized that I found Roman¡¯s dark abode to be quite eerie. It was a mild version of the dark outdoors that constantly haunted my dreams these days. I watched the stairs as the creaking continued. ¡°Uhh¡­ Roman?¡± I called into the other room, feeling like I wanted another body around me. ¡°What?¡± I heard his muffled voice call from far away. I was about to respond before the source of the sound revealed itself, for the first time in almost two months. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Step two: Jen stood silently on the landing, barely visible in the cloth of shroud. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Cody?¡± Roman called in my silence. ¡°Did you say something?¡± Jennifer stepped lazily down the stairs, slowly slumping around the table towards me. I was petrified, incapable of even closing my fist. The way she moved was unreservedly haunting. It looked like she was dragging around five-times her body weight with every step. Her arms were so loosely dead at her sides, as though neither of them belonged to her. She was using the Staff members¡¯ running animation, but was only capable of lumbering sedately. As she stared at me, the way the dark mixed with the sapped over-exhaustion of her empty face¡­ I thought I could feel the whites being sucked from my eyes. She was trying to steal any part of my body that was lighter than the blackness of this house. ¡°Cody?¡± Roman called again. ¡°You okay?¡± She stopped in front of me. ¡°Tell him,¡± She hissed. ¡°Normally.¡± Have I ever had a voice? It didn¡¯t feel like it in that moment. ¡°I¡­¡± I croaked in a pitchy moan before clearing my throat. ¡°I¡¯m good¡­ just making sure you didn¡¯t fall in¡­¡± ¡°Shut up,¡± He called. ¡°I¡¯ll be done in a sec.¡± I needed that ¡°second¡± to be accurate. I tried to catch my breath as her decaying eyes pierced through her hair. I like to exaggerate my aspect of fear when talking about these events, but I had a long moment of considering it possible that Jen had died, and I was face to face with a phantom. She looked so disheveled, and everything followed. The world around her was aching, like this entire black complex was bleeding out its light through the stab wound that was her body. As I felt myself being completely emptied, the freezing of my own blood began to surge in my forehead, stinging and throbbing. I almost needed her to be a ghost for the sake of my comprehension. She was such an appallingly horrible depiction of a ¡°living¡± human, and yet¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡­I was kind of still cognizant that she was the hottest girl I had ever seen. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Do you remember me?¡± I didn¡¯t even try talking again. I just nodded. Her head tilted a little. She was wearing a T-shirt I assumed was Roman¡¯s, from the way it reached down far past her waist, or any indication of whether or not she was naked beneath it. She reached up under it with one hand. ¡°I hold this¡­¡± A small, irritatingly sharp knife reflects the void of the room, as I feel myself growing borderline inconsolable. ¡°Listen¡­¡± I began nervously. ¡°I¡¯ll leave, okay? I¡¯ll tell Roman to just throw me outside and-¡° ¡°-No. I want to talk to you,¡± She demanded quietly. ¡°I needed to make sure you could listen¡­ you listening?¡± I nodded hurriedly, once again spurning any audible dialogue options. ¡°Are you scared of me?¡± Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. ¡°I¡­ I don¡¯t know¡­¡± I mumbled shakily. ¡°I don¡¯t know what to say to you¡­ I think anything I say is going to hurt you¡­ make you want to hurt me¡­¡± I saw the smallest glitter somewhere behind the shield of her hair. It didn¡¯t stay long. ¡°I¡¯ve already wanted to hurt you. I deserve to hurt you.¡± I know. I know she does. ¡°You¡¯re not even sorry about it¡­¡± She added. ¡°Are you?¡± I don¡¯t know my ceiling of potential confidence, but if I was feeling triple-it, I doubt I would have been able to answer that straight. I¡¯m not. I know that I¡¯m not. I¡¯ve said that I¡¯m not. I can blame that on my desperation to resist feeling any sympathy towards this community, but it doesn¡¯t change the essential fact that Patrick¡¯s death wasn¡¯t enough to overpower my never-ending self-importance. The prospect of Jen¡¯s grief was also not enough. I don¡¯t even know if it changed my mind in the wake of the lawless repulsion standing in front of me. I didn¡¯t look away, but I stayed silent as waves of bile leaped around in my stomach. I couldn¡¯t respond. She slit her eyes and focused in on me, before placing the knife on the table beside her. ¡°¡­ you shouldn¡¯t have to be, ya know¡­¡± I almost let myself vomit. ¡°I¡­ what?¡± I stammered. ¡°You didn¡¯t kill him¡­ it wasn¡¯t your fault¡­ not even close¡­¡± I couldn¡¯t believe that there wasn¡¯t a team of cameramen filming me from the other room as they waited for me to fall for that. ¡°No¡­¡± I said more firmly than I thought I would. ¡°That¡¯s not true¡­ it¡¯s okay¡­ you can blame me-¡° ¡°-don¡¯t tell me what I can do. I do blame you¡­ but that¡¯s not your fault either.¡± I¡¯d expected my soul to have already dissipated by now, so having the time to be confused was incredible off-putting. ¡°I¡­ Jesus I¡­ want to be sorry¡­ I just don¡¯t know how to be¡­ I¡¯m trying so hard¡­ but it¡¯s like¡­¡± She rubbed a palm over her throat. ¡°Praying when you don¡¯t believe that anyone is actually listening¡­¡± She said. You just hope that if someone is listening¡­ they can¡¯t tell the difference. ¡°You look horrible,¡± I said in a moment of pure delirium. She didn¡¯t even react. ¡°I am horrible, Cody¡­ he¡¯s gone.¡± A small little heckler in my survival instincts told me to try hugging her, and I promptly told it that I would sooner put her out of her misery here and now. Though, with the agency to call that a horrible idea, I didn¡¯t actually have any better ones. ¡°He might not be¡­¡± The most functioning emotion I had seen from her brushed over her face as she looked sickened by that suggestion. ¡°You haven¡¯t been going to that sorry excuse for a church, have you? You better not try and tell me that you think this is all some sort of test¡­¡± I didn¡¯t, and I doubted that anything Otto had to say in that haunted synagogue would convince me of such a thing. ¡°My relationship with death isn¡¯t confident enough to say¡­ I just don¡¯t want you to think he can¡¯t be somewhere better¡­¡± I already knew what her internal response was the second I uttered that. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Death is better. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She moved her head in a way that completely shielded her eyes with her hair, as if she could control every individual strand. ¡°You didn¡¯t see what he looked like¡­ no Heaven is taking the mess they turned him into¡­¡± I¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Her eyes reappeared as she inspected me in my silence. Her expression shifted to infuriation, as she saw that I was shaking on the verge of tears. ¡°Don¡¯t do that,¡± She said. ¡°Stop.¡± I never saw him. I never saw what happened to Patrick. I only heard it. I don¡¯t even know what to be haunted by. It was her own brother¡­ right in front of her. ¡°Jennifer¡­ I want him back too¡­ I don¡¯t want to be here if he¡¯s-¡° ¡°-you don¡¯t mean what you¡¯re saying. I know you think you do, but you don¡¯t. He wasn¡¯t yours, he was mine. Don¡¯t do this in front of me, it¡¯s fucking insulting.¡± I tried to close my sore throat, forcing back the edge of a breakdown. ¡°Do you¡­ want to punch me or¡­ something?¡± She stayed silent for a moment, hopefully considering it. ¡°Cody, if you would¡¯ve died between then and now¡­ I think I would feel a lot worse than I already do¡­ if you were gone, it would mean he died for nothing¡­ I¡¯m mad at you¡­¡± She looked away, preparing to believe herself. ¡°¡­I don¡¯t wish you were dead.¡± I shouldn¡¯t say this. I shouldn¡¯t say this. I shouldn¡¯t say this. I shouldn¡¯t say this. I shouldn¡¯t say this. I¡¯m not the main character. I shouldn¡¯t say this. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡° I do.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She stared at me for a moment. At the very least, I hoped it would motivate her to relieve her anger physically. It didn¡¯t. She began to look into space a little. ¡°He was never sad, dude¡­¡± She began. ¡°I never saw him sad for a single day here¡­ he had shown up eight months after me, and didn¡¯t even care that he had trapped himself. He just cared that he¡¯d found his little sister that had disappeared and¡­ I never had a moment where I didn¡¯t feel horrible about it. I was so happy to have him, and I¡¯d missed him so much¡­ but I felt like I had dragged him here myself. I didn¡¯t want to have him back¡­ it never felt right¡­ it always just felt like borrowed time. I¡­ should¡¯ve known it would make me like this. It¡¯s¡­ the second time I¡¯ve lost him, ya know? And while he was here¡­ he was just¡­¡± I know¡­ everyone says the same thing. ¡°He was your everything¡­¡± Her eyes focused back on me suddenly. ¡°Listen to me Cody, I can¡¯t help you if you can¡¯t get over this¡­ but¡­¡± She began. ¡°Help yourself¡­ please try to¡­ please don¡¯t die over it.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°What exactly are you doing right now?¡± I challenged . Her arms held her hollow stomach. ¡°That¡¯s why I can¡¯t help you.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I found myself initially unable to pull my eyes away from her, as a large presence noticeably changed the tone of the room when entering. Eventually, I looked over to see Roman standing there, holding the pole with a horribly nervous look on his face. I had expected him to look enraged by me even being in the same room as his depressed (likely suicidal) girlfriend, but he just looked incredibly worried. ¡°Jen,¡± He said. ¡°I didn¡¯t know you were awake¡­¡± ¡°I¡¯m not,¡± She said in an almost identical whisper as she looked away from me. ¡°Can you help?¡± ¡°Yes, come on.¡± He dropped the pole and walked around the table, taking her by the hand and shoulder. I tried to say something to him, but he didn¡¯t even look at me. He hadn¡¯t even been looking at me. He¡¯d walked in the room and immediately saw nothing but her. He guided her to the stairs, and followed her with his hands slightly tense and raised, prepared for her to fall at any moment. She climbed with the same bizarre, jagged steps I had seen before, but even more sluggish now. Like walking down those stairs was more taxation than her body had experienced in weeks, and it might take months to recover that energy. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡­ I couldn¡¯t. I couldn¡¯t be okay with it. The way Elijah had described it was already enough. Natalie¡¯s corroboration was more than enough. Seeing Jennifer face to face, seeing the state she¡¯s still in almost two months after Patrick¡¯s death¡­ how am I ever supposed to step on the road to acceptance after seeing that? Should I be mad at her? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª No¡­ she wants me to accept it. She wants someone to be able to¡­ because she knows that she never will. The floor gently creaked above me. That¡¯s why I can¡¯t help you. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Roman finally acknowledged me as he came back down some five minutes later, realizing he had left me unattended for that entire time. I hadn¡¯t thought of anything substantially effective to say, so instead, I picked up the knife by the blade, and held the handle towards him. He looked at it strangely, with a gaze full of sadness, before walking up and gently taking it from me. ¡°Okay¡­¡± He began. It took his intimidating voice to realize I still felt locked in place. ¡°Let¡¯s go.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I gripped the pole loosely, as we both walked in a recognizably mutual silence towards the gate. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Step three: ¡°Hey,¡± Roman said behind me. ¡°Thank you. For what you¡¯re doing for us¡­ all of us¡­ and I know Jen would never say this to you, but she appreciates you just as much as I do.¡± I tried to feel comfortable turning back to him, but I felt like the fake outdoor light wasn¡¯t enough. Everything felt dimmer than it had before I stepped into that house. ¡°¡­ yeah,¡± I said absently. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Alright, well, you¡¯re back up to speed. That was this morning. I¡¯m sitting at a coffee table right now, pretending there¡¯s a pretty girl watching me from across the room as I scribble away in this new, awful notebook (seriously, I hate this thing). The fantasy is not helping. I don¡¯t feel good. I¡¯m¡­ done writing today. I¡¯m just about as happy thinking about Jen as I was with visiting her. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Okay, wow¡­ what you just read was the last chance I¡¯d have to write for a considerable while. Let me give you a break and take you along in real time, I¡¯m just not so sure how to begin. I am not writing this on the fifty-eighth day. I am not writing this on the fifty-ninth day. I¡¯ve been a little lost. Sorry, that¡¯s what I¡¯m trying to avoid. I¡¯ll bring you there like it was normal. Let me explain. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Cody Camargo: Fifty-Seven Days In. Step four: I woke up to a finally familiar pounding on my bedroom door. I ran through sixteen-thousand emotions before remembering which one was assigned to her. ¡°Just come in!- you woulda done it anyway¡­¡± I sat up to see Natalie stepping into my room somewhat calmly for how loud she was just knocking. She was holding a small bundle of clothes. I was groggy and annoyed to be awake, but somewhat relieved to see her. She hadn¡¯t returned the last night either, and I had begun to theorize whether or not she had been murdered by an angry resident. ¡°Yo,¡± She said with a weird warble in her tone. She was dressed up so nicely. ¡°¡­ am I dumb to think that this is my day off? I went back out yesterday-¡° ¡°-I know. I¡¯m just here to remind you that The Omen is meeting today. 11:30. I want us there at 11:25. Understand?¡± ¡°So¡­ yes, I am dumb for thinking that?¡± I had been to one ¡°meeting¡± after my first impromptu inauguration into The Omen. It was a short fifteen minutes of basically deciding whether or not my contribution to the community was actually worthwhile, or if it was fine to throw me back to the wolves again. ¡°You¡¯re going. It won¡¯t be long. You¡¯ll survive.¡± Sadly, they decided I was doing great. ¡°I might ,¡± I said as I rubbed my face. ¡°What¡¯s it about?¡± She didn¡¯t answer. ¡°Can you just tell me you don¡¯t want to answer something instead of staring at me? I know you don¡¯t have trouble telling me to shut up-¡° ¡°-Just¡­ wear this,¡± She said as she threw the pile of clothes on the foot of the bed. ¡°You need more than one and a half outfits¡­ you smell like shit.¡± ¡°No, I don¡¯t. I bathe when I¡¯m outside. Water bottles and hand soap is a goddamn car wash compared to what some other people do. I¡¯m surprised you¡¯re not nose-blind to someone smelling awful in here.¡± She rolled her eyes in a way that set me strangely at ease. Not a great sign on my part. ¡°11:20,¡± She said before turning around. ¡°Out the door.¡± She walked out of the room. No cursing, no yelling. ¡°Where have you been, Natalie?¡± I called to her. She turned and descended the stairs, briskly shunning my question. I checked the clock to see 10:49 AM. She¡¯d let me sleep in. I sat forward and looked at the clothes she¡¯d brought. A plain white t-shirt (bar a weird yellow stain on the small of the back), and a pair of loose-fitting cargo pants. Brown, and definitely a little too long for me. I triple-dog-fucking-dared these to belong to the person I think they belonged to. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I walked down at 11:18 to see her standing by the door, tapping her heel like she always does when she¡¯s trying to avoid massacring me. ¡°You did that on purpose,¡± She says, without even looking at me. ¡°You said 11:20. I was reading.¡± She looked over, likely about to question my capacity to read, before stopping and staring. Her brow furrows. ¡°What?¡± I said. ¡°You insulted by your own decision?¡± ¡°Excuse me?¡± ¡°Whose clothes are these?¡± Her brow parted as she realized I was talking about my deceased forefather. She looked back away. ¡°They¡¯re mine, since you can barely dress yourself. I¡¯m just surprised they fit you, half-pint.¡± I¡¯m surprised I wasn¡¯t immediately swallowed in a ball of satanically conjured flames the second I put them on. Seems like another person wearing her clothes would be breaking the demonic seal she embroidered them with. ¡°Somebody have a fun night on the back of this?¡± She rubbed her forehead and opened the door without making eye contact. ¡°It¡¯s oil,¡± She said angrily. ¡°Virgin.¡± I¡¯m pretty sure that wasn¡¯t in reference to the style of oil. I followed her out of the door, closing it behind me. She was stopped in the street, looking down at her fingers. ¡°Listen,¡± She ravaged herself to begin. ¡°I¡¯m on a rope. I¡¯m saying it to you directly. Don¡¯t joke around today. With me, or with anyone. Just be a good dog for a while.¡± The mental image of being Natalie¡¯s ¡°good dog¡± was not a fantastic influence on what my behavior might look like today. ¡°Okay?¡± She said, her eyes somewhere far away. ¡°Uhh¡­ yeah¡­ thanks for saying it honestly¡­ that¡¯s growth for us.¡± I saw her fingers burst into a sudden spasm. ¡°Prime example¡­ don¡¯t say anymore shit like that.¡± She started walking towards the church as I tried to let some distance grow between us before following. She didn¡¯t make me walk in front of her anymore, and that made me happy. Not because of¡­ um¡­ hang on, let me back that sentence up. I felt happy to not be so distrusted by her anymore¡­ even though I found it more likely that looking at me would send her into an episode on days like this, and she was just trying to have some in-between time of pretending I wasn¡¯t real. On that note, I¡¯ve come to a somewhat conjecture-based conclusion, that I believe Natalie may be slightly¡­ neurodivergent. She just has a tendency to flip out, and I know I¡¯ve established that dead horse with my superfluous description-chain of her unmitigated trail of destruction, but I think my defensiveness may have painted those scenes a little crudely. I told you this before, but Natalie does really try to calm herself down when she can. However, it¡¯s like she has this Wheel Of Fortune in her head, and every once in a while, her reasonable self-control goes completely bankrupt with absolutely no warning, by no choice of her own. It¡¯s clear she recognizes it, and she¡¯s never stated it to me as explicitly as she just did. It felt nice to know she was trying with me. Really nice. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Probably should¡¯ve appreciated that moment a little more than I did¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Step five: Halfway through our silent walk to church, I was toying with the stitch line of Natalie¡¯s shirt with my eyes to the ground. I had just been considering pushing my luck, wanting to walk a little closer to her side, when a voice appeared. ¡°Hey.¡± Natalie turned as Sean stepped in front of me from around a corner, looking like he spawned there out of thin air. ¡°Sean? What-¡­ hi¡­¡± She said, tripping over her own tongue. ¡°I um¡­ I just missed the time this morning, and I¡¯m on my way to- ¡°-nah it¡¯s cool, I was just on my way to your house,¡± He said softly as he walked up to her, not even knowing I was there. ¡°I¡¯m not gonna keep you, I just¡­ have something of yours.¡± I noticed that Sean was holding a shirt as he¡­ eughhh. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª My stomach doesn¡¯t feel good thinking about this part¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I recognized that shirt¡­ every time Natalie wore it, I was uncontrollably transfixed by her chest¡­ It was the one that probably still had my blood stains on it¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Natalie made an awkward face as she took it from him. ¡°You okay?¡± He said, in that same soft tone I wasn¡¯t familiar with from him. ¡°I don¡¯t wanna accuse you of avoiding me, but I did think we were gonna talk.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not¡­ it¡¯s not that¡­ I¡¯ve just been distracted¡­ and not to say you weren¡¯t¡­ a priority-¡° ¡°-Hey hey hey, I get it. You don¡¯t gotta explain, I was just teasing you.¡± I had never seen Natalie OR Sean like this. He still hadn¡¯t noticed me, but he had noticed her timid energy. ¡°Hey,¡± He said, basically cooing as he placed his hand on her neck. ¡°What¡¯s going-¡° As she tensed at his touch, he saw her accidentally look towards me, and followed that glance. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª If I had to make a top five list of the most isolated I¡¯ve felt in this place, I think this would rank over any singular moment of being out on my own in the first days, with no knowledge of any other speck of human life being present in that entire endless wilderness. The way the two of them both stared at me¡­ it was the way someone looks at a junkie on the street. Pitying them, but not-so-secretly disgusted. Wishing they weren¡¯t invading their perfect little world with their filth. Wishing they would just vanish into thin air. Privileged little shits. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Cody,¡± Sean said awkwardly, slipping his hand away from her. ¡°Sorry I¡­ didn¡¯t see you there, man.¡±Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original. I stayed silent, wanting to vanish into thin air myself. I must¡¯ve had a look on my face that immediately warranted an apology. ¡°I¡¯ll um¡­¡± He continued. ¡°Just be a minute-¡° ¡°-actually, we¡­¡± Natalie began. ¡°We really have to go.¡± Her voice barely belonged to her. Sean looked backed. ¡°Yeah yeah for sure, I just wanted to say that we can talk later,¡± He said. ¡°I get you um¡­ probably have a lot going on.¡± I felt my hand shaking in a strange way. My chest felt like it needed to sweat. I was¡­ suddenly desperate to scream. ¡°Yeah we¡¯ll¡­.¡± She began nervously. ¡°We¡¯ll talk¡­ but¡­ not today.¡± Sean noticeably squirmed a little. ¡°Uh¡­ alright,¡± He said. ¡°So I mean¡­ maybe¡­ tomorrow, then?¡± ¡°Sean, I¡­¡± Those eyes. The way she looked at him with those fucking eyes. The eyes that I couldn¡¯t stop having dreams about. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Goddammit. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Dude, can you not see we¡¯re in the fucking middle of something?¡± I suddenly said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I don¡¯t know. I just don¡¯t know. It was over, he would¡¯ve walked away the next time she persisted, right? All I had to do was pretend it didn¡¯t happen and move on. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Cody!¡± Natalie said sternly, yet somehow trepidatiously. I wanted to just tell her I didn¡¯t mean it. I should¡¯ve just grunted, or pinched myself, or saved my energy to punch a wall later, or anything that didn¡¯t involve opening up my mouth again. ¡°Excuse me?¡± Sean said, his hesitation disappearing. ¡°Do you mind if I have a conversation with her?¡± ¡°She already told you she was busy, douchebag.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª God in Heaven, why did I have to use that fucking word? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Cody! Stop talking!¡± Natalie yelled. Her voice was slightly pitchy. Anxious in a way I felt uncomfortable hearing from her. Sean began to walk towards me. ¡°Sean! Ignore him!¡± She called. ¡°What the hell is your issue? Huh?¡± He said. ¡°Do I owe you something?¡± It was too late to back-off. I think I¡¯d grown enough shame to have apologized if it was just Sean and I¡­ but¡­ she was there. God it¡¯s so stupid. I¡¯m such a freak. ¡°Whatever, dude. You¡¯re better than me,¡± I said sarcastically. ¡°You¡¯re the king, everybody knows.¡± He shook his head. ¡°What are you talking about, Cody?¡± He said. ¡°What the hell is wrong with you?¡± I was in full defcon-1 cornered defense now. ¡°Are you suddenly concerned about it? I wonder what could possibly be causing you to act that way.¡± As he angrily quickened his pace, Natalie ran up and stood in front of him. ¡°Stop listening to him-Cody, I swear to God be quiet-¡° He looked straight past her as he pointed his anger at me. ¡°-listen, you little asshole. You¡¯re probably still settling in, and I get that, but everyone else is dealing with the same Hell that you are,¡± He said. ¡°You know how long it¡¯s been since I¡¯ve watched basketball? Taken a normal shower? Eaten pizza? You¡¯re not special, so I don¡¯t know why you¡¯re acting so fucking precious. I¡¯ve been trying really hard to leave your conceited ass alone-¡° ¡°-Oh you have?¡± I said. ¡°That¡¯s why you¡¯re conveniently here with her shirt?¡± ¡°¡­ what did you just say?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Jesus Christ, stop. Please just stop. Don¡¯t say it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You knew I was here,¡± I seethed. ¡°Do you want to shove it in my face any closer? How about you just fuck her right in front of me?!¡± Sean was silent with a look of total disbelief. Natalie, however, didn¡¯t hesitate for even a moment. She turned away from Sean, slammed the shirt down with her face red, and began barreling forwards. ¡°THAT¡¯S NOT YOUR PLACE! HOW DARE YOU?!¡± She screamed, with her voice settling into its rightful authority. She grabbed me by my collar ( Her collar). ¡°WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! IS THAT FUNNY TO YOU?! DO YOU THINK BEING A TOTAL FUCKING CREEP IS FUNNY?!¡± Just say sorry. It¡¯s obviously too late, but it¡¯s better late than never. Say it now before anything more happens, because you¡¯ll never have another time as good as this one. ¡°¡­ am I wrong?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I thought back to how I¡¯d pestered Nikko about Margo, and realized he had been an incredibly good sport about what was a ridiculously rude insinuation. I thought back about my assumption of Natalie¡¯s erratic externalized behavior, and realized I basically have an identical lack of self control. I thought back about watching Lizzie with the bat, and how that image wasn¡¯t enough to get me to intervene. I couldn¡¯t do it then¡­ but now ? Really? This is when I¡¯m motivated to speak up? Anything¡¯s possible when it has to do with your insecurity, huh? I guess I do that more often than I think¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Sean¡¯s hand appeared on Natalie¡¯s shoulder. ¡°Hey,¡± He said. ¡°Who cares what he thinks? If that¡¯s what it¡¯s about, then let¡¯s just-¡° Natalie released me as she turned around and pushed Sean forcefully away from her. ¡°STOP FUCKING TOUCHING ME!¡± A horror crept into Sean¡¯s eyes that even I was inclined to feel sympathy for. I was suddenly cognizant of the possibility that I had done something irreversible to Natalie. Something that it¡¯d be childish to believe would only be taken out on me. You wanna say sorry now? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Before I got the chance to, a voice called behind us. ¡°Natalie?¡± I turned to see Tecca standing nervously behind me, staring at the heaving beast between Sean and I. ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± He said carefully. Her hair fell over her eyes as she looked straight to the ground, balling both her fists and clenching her teeth. She didn¡¯t respond to him. He walked past me. Without touching her, he approached and leaned into her ear. He whispered something I couldn¡¯t hear as I snuck a glance towards Sean. His gaze was stuck on them. Tecca waited for a moment, until I saw Natalie breathing deeply, then shaking her head. Her view never left the ground. Tecca whispered something else in response, a little longer this time. She simmered in her mental-rapture for a moment, but eventually stood up straight. The kind of straight that made me think inappropriately . With her eyes closed, she nodded her head as if to assure herself, and finally unclenched her fists. She opened her eyes, looking towards Tecca as he smiled, delicately rubbing her wrist with his pinkie. The equivalent of barely a gust of wind. Instead of shoving him away, Natalie lightly brushed his hand away, turned, and walked away towards the church. All three of us stood and watched until she disappeared around a corner. I waited until she had been gone for almost a whole minute to breathe again. Tecca crossed his arms and sighed. ¡°What the hell did you say to her?¡± He asked angrily with his back to us. ¡°I didn¡¯t think I said anything,¡± Sean said. ¡°I was trying to calm her down.¡± Tecca rubbed his face. ¡°You know I¡¯m not talking to you.¡± Tecca¡¯s gaze drifted over to me. ¡°What did you do?¡± He grilled. Gross¡­ and bitter. ¡°I¡­ I don¡¯t know¡­¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know?!¡± Sean yelled. ¡°When I think of all the times you¡¯ve stuck to your guns, and now you don¡¯t know-¡° ¡°-Sean, please,¡± Tecca said. ¡°You¡¯re right, and I agree, so can you let me berate him in peace?¡± ¡°And say what ? That he needs to try a little harder ? So this little kid gets away with another win for terrorizing Natalie?! He always manages to get away with it! I just wanted to have a conversation with her-are we really supposed to put up with this forever?!¡± He shifted back to me. ¡°What is it? Do you think that sleeping with me makes her a slut ?!¡° ¡°Sean!¡± Hearing him say that word had almost made me feel a confirmation bias based justification for the way I had just acted. Almost isn¡¯t a good word. Totally is better. ¡°I definitely don¡¯t think it makes her picky¡­¡± Tecca¡¯s glare shot around to me, absolutely furious for continuing to egg it on. Before he had the chance to yell at me, Sean bubbled over. He silently brushed past him to get to me. Tecca wouldn¡¯t be able to stop him the same way Natalie had. ¡°Sean,¡± Tecca began, desperate to try anyway. ¡°Don¡¯t put your hands on him.¡± Sean leaned in without touching me. ¡°Sorry, am I getting in your way?¡± He whispered as he towered over me. ¡°Think I¡¯m blocking her view of you?¡± My mouth was so full of spit. Warm spit. I can¡¯t lie about it, though. My throat was dry. ¡°Did you know I was standing there?¡± I asked. He slowly smiled, and I heavily despised my spine for the chill that ran down it. ¡°If I say no, would that help you to stop thinking about my dick?¡± No. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª He suddenly turned around, walked over, and picked up her shirt from the floor. ¡°Just get over it, Romeo,¡± He said as he passed without shoulder-checking me. I turned to try and yell, but I knew I wouldn¡¯t have anything to say. I silently watched him walk away towards Natalie¡¯s house. Our house. Our fucking house. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª What am I even talking about? Seriously¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Hey.¡± Tecca was pissed. ¡°Real answer or start walking,¡± He continued. ¡°Don¡¯t care which one you do first, because you¡¯re gonna do both, but I¡¯m telling you that you¡¯re gonna do at least one right now. Right now.¡± Yeah¡­ I am. I turned around to him, struggling to make eye-contact. He nodded slowly, before turning and walking towards the church with his arms crossed. I followed. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°If you don¡¯t talk, I will,¡± He said. ¡°You don¡¯t want that, do you?¡± I felt so embarrassed. I kind of wanted to cry. I also kind of wanted to run away. ¡°¡­I might as well have called her a slut to her face,¡± I said. I saw Tecca flick his head to throw a hair out of his view (even though none of his bangs were ever long enough to do that, he just liked tossing his hair). ¡°Have you not already done that at least once? I¡¯d find that hard to believe.¡± I stifled a ¡°fuck you, Tecca¡±, and remained silent, though I genuinely couldn¡¯t remember what the answer was. Out loud? Maybe not. Internally? Duh. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Listen, I know what probably happened before I got there¡­¡± He began. ¡°I¡¯m just going to assume I¡¯m right unless you say otherwise. I guess you don¡¯t have to tell me about it if you¡¯re really that scared of yourself.¡± I never claimed not to be, so I didn¡¯t respond. ¡°¡­ I know it sucks, and I¡¯m sorry you had to feel like that,¡± He began again. ¡°¡­ but Jesus Christ, Cody. Please decide which side of the fence you¡¯re on.¡± It¡¯s not a fence, it¡¯s a wall. ¡°¡­ do you want me to stop talking?¡± He said in a more soothing tone. ¡°¡­no. I just want to go away somewhere. I don¡¯t want to see her.¡± ¡°¡­ do you feel sorry?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Then how about you get the fuck over it and tell her that ?¡± He said, returning candidly to his normal tone. ¡°You had an outburst. If anyone here would understand that, it would be Natalie.¡± ¡°She hates me.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know a ton of people here that don¡¯t , Cody. You¡¯re also not really making the most compelling case for her not to.¡± ¡°I¡¯VE DONE NOTHING BUT-¡­ HOW WOULD-¡­¡± I sputtered with my face red as Tecca immediately stopped walking and turned around. ¡°Do you want her to not hate you?¡± I rubbed my face in my hands like a five-year old. ¡°What the-¡­ fuck do you think?¡± I said in a childish whine. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Tecca didn¡¯t like me very much, but he was quite honest about it. Not that anyone else really tried to hide it here, but Tecca made it very clear that our relationship would likely not grow past that point, and had a way of making me feel very pressure-free about it. It made me feel calm in his company, where I definitely should not have felt that way. As far as folks who didn¡¯t like me, Tecca¡¯s scorn was the most comfortingly warm I¡¯d maybe ever experienced, and he knew it. He made a concentrated effort beside his repugnance to never make me feel alienated. I enjoyed his proximity more than that of most people I weaseled onto some ¡°good side¡± of. He was the nicest ¡°bitch¡± I¡¯d ever met. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Why the hell do I have to live in that goddamn house with her, dude?!¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s such a sick joke. I feel like I¡¯m gonna explode. Imagine he walked in there one day while I was in my room, and I had to hear them like-¡­ Jesus Christ-¡° ¡°-she wouldn¡¯t let that happen-¡° ¡°-why not?! Why the fuck wouldn¡¯t she?! I¡­ I would if I were her¡­ if I knew it would hurt the dork across the hall from me.¡± ¡°Yeah well¡­ Natalie isn¡¯t you, Cody.¡± ¡°Exactly, so she doesn¡¯t understand anything.¡± ¡°¡­ why don¡¯t you want her to hate you?¡± ¡°Shut up, Tecca¡­¡± ¡°Cody, think about it.¡± ¡°Stop, man!-I¡¯m serious! Let¡¯s just go!¡± ¡°You¡¯re not gonna stand in that church with her the way you are right now-¡° ¡°-damn straight-¡° ¡°-get a hold of yourself, seriously. Take a goddamn breath.¡± I wanted him to hug me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Jesus, God in the flesh, I wanted my mom. What kind of fresh Hell allows that? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°What¡¯d you say to her?¡± I asked with my face in my hands. He took a moment. I would guess he was considering whether I deserved to hear it. ¡°I asked if you hurt her.¡± ¡­ why had she said no? ¡°¡­I thought it¡¯d be something more mysterious than that¡­¡± I brought my head out of my hands, but Tecca wasn¡¯t looking at me anymore. He was staring into space, thinking about something else¡­ ¡°What-¡­¡± I said. ¡°What did you say after that?¡± His vision re-centered in recognition, and squinted at me. ¡°Sorry, next time I say something I want everybody to hear, I¡¯ll make sure not to whisper it in one person¡¯s ear.¡± I sighed. ¡°You should¡¯ve reminded her that nobody would find my death to be a devastating tragedy. It would be like hurting a fly.¡± A fruit fly. He rolled his eyes. ¡°Jesus Christ, you¡¯re annoying,¡± He said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Tecca stayed quiet for a moment, but eventually stepped closer to me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Step six: ¡°Has anyone ever told you about The Pile?¡± I got a forehead-rub in, and finally took a deep breath like an adult. ¡°The what , dude?¡± He, of course, started walking away again. ¡°Natalie doesn¡¯t want to kill you.¡± I, of course, didn¡¯t want to follow him. But I did, like a good dog. ¡°Killing you would mean you won,¡± He said. ¡°Natalie doesn¡¯t win when she has your blood on her hands.¡± Oh please. ¡°Is that what she says to people? I¡¯m glad she¡¯s such a pillar of civility that she can¡¯t handle it resting on her otherwise spotless consciousness.¡± ¡°Are you questioning that? I hope you understand the box you¡¯re putting her in if you do.¡± ¡°That I¡¯m putting her in?! It¡¯s been her idea to waste me since I was a five-day old citizen.¡± ¡°Not hers.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°I thought that seeing the Omen would reiterate to you that we don¡¯t make one-person decisions here.¡± ¡°Are you gonna tell me what the fucking pile is?¡± He let his arms slip back down to his sides ¡°¡­ I¡¯ll either tell you when you stop hurting people¡¯s feelings, or when you keep hurting people¡¯s feelings. I would like it if it was the former.¡± Even before I would find out how horrifyingly threatening that statement was, I was just as ready to jump off the lip of a total deranged breakdown. What Natalie and Sean had seen was fucking child¡¯s play in comparison to what was finally about to emerge from me. We wanna talk about sides of the fence? R&E is getting real cozy for a place that seems to be keeping me around as an emotional cat toy. I guess that¡¯s where I should really embrace being a dog. Wanna hear a metaphor I will NOT get lost in? R&E is like my owner, and every single other person in this town is a cat. For some reason, some goddamn reason, in the middle of their lonely crazy-cat-lady existence, my owner decided to buy a dog. Where all the cats were previously spiraling into a depression cycle of repetitive ennui, the boring cat toys have been put on the shelf for the newest attraction for their curiosity. Feeling bored? Just fuck with the dog! Just smack it and nip at it and claw at it and hiss at it and walk all over it and shove your ass in its face and meow to a creature that only understands woofs, because the dog just takes it. The dog will always take it, because what happens if he doesn¡¯t? Well apparently, something called ¡°The Pile¡± happens (Jesus Christ, ¡°The Pile¡±? They¡¯re just so lame it¡¯s mind-altering. Their naming convention is just Elijah convincing them to put ¡°The¡± in front of ambiguous nouns). I should whisper in their ear to remind them that Kanata is here. When the dog spot is more sufficiently filled by her, maybe I can just be the gerbil that gets eaten or explodes or whatever other grotesque way those things randomly die, because I am not a fan of being the dog. I¡¯m only about one good hit away from going rabid. My mouth is practically foaming as I silently follow Tecca the rest of the way to the church. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The first thing I noticed was that Natalie wasn¡¯t there. Neither was Roman, Evelyn or Robert. Elijah and Carolette noticed Tecca and I as we entered. Both of them performed such a comically fast-fading smile when noticing the expressions we were wearing. Tecca breezed past them both as Carolette broke away to follow him. Elijah did the same to step in front of me. ¡°Okay,¡± He fucking began. ¡°I know utter wrath is the one thing you two can bond over, but this seems like excessively intricate wrath.¡± ¡°It¡¯s not,¡± I said shortly. ¡°It¡¯s simple wrath.¡± Otto chuckled from where he stood a couple feet away. Step seven: ¡°Wrath isn¡¯t simple just because it seems spontaneous¡± He said. ¡°There¡¯s a lot to take from that feeling.¡± I refused to look at him, and focused the anger that had brewed into hardening my gaze towards Elijah. ¡°Thanks so much for using that word here,¡± I growled at him before brushing past the both of them. Planting myself, I found safety in a corner hugging the back of the chancel. I tried hard to discharge enough noxious discontent to keep the rest of the gathering away from me. Though unintentional, that usually worked for Vernon (currently on the other side of the pulpit, scratching an itch far closer to his genitals than should have been publicly displayed). It didn¡¯t work long at all for me. The tree of Roman walked into the chapel, alone. Looking far more discontent than Tecca or I could have possibly looked combined. I was immediately struck a little straighter in posture than I had been a couple seconds ago. Natalie and Robert entered only a couple seconds after him, and I barely noticed them in his wake. Natalie watched Roman in agitated concern as he walked up silently. Had she¡­ gone to find Robert after walking away? Carolette briefly looked away from her conversation with Tecca as Roman passed them. She watched him as he followed my almost identical actions to go stand away from the rest of the group. He found a suitable oasis of solitude and began to stare blankly into space. I met eyes with Carolette, who¡¯s eyes were stirring a perfect mixture of being distraught and infuriated. Surely she hadn¡¯t let Tecca keep our encounter a secret. I doubt he had to describe even half of what he himself had witnessed in order for Carolette to understand the situation completely. I would be hearing about it double from her. But at the moment, something about Roman was so powerfully winning against her concern for it. That was bad. Despite the rude awakening, I had woken up this morning with a much brighter perspective on my meeting with Jennifer. In such a horrible bleak space, she had pushed herself so far beyond the barrier to speak with me. Maybe to give me consolation, but I think it was just so she could look at me again. I¡¯m really hoping that being able to see the face of what had stolen something from her¡­ I hope it had given her some ground to walk towards healing. Ground her suffering to reality. Roman had been taking care of her in that state for the entire time I¡¯d been in here and out of here and in here again. I can¡¯t imagine how much that must mentally drag him right along through the mud. I remembered how Roman had thanked me yesterday, and proceeded to completely misread what Carolette¡¯s eye contact was asking of me. Where her eyes had previously been urging me to ¡°stay the fuck away from him¡±, I now saw them widen in a ¡°what do you think you¡¯re doing?¡± motion, as I got up from my spot and walked towards him. As always, I was missing some pretty blatant context clues. To my own credit, I think I handled it pretty well at the beginning. I turned and leaned against the wall next to him, but still with a sizable chunk of space between us. I didn¡¯t force myself into his range of view, and I didn¡¯t say anything. He knew I was there, and I let him come to me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You can talk but¡­ just say something unrelated to anything¡± He eventually said. ¡°Just talk for a little, I¡¯m not even gonna really listen, I¡¯m not looking for comfort.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Well¡­ yeah¡­¡± That feels like a lot of pressure, but obviously yes, I think I can find the ability to talk. ¡°¡­ you uhhh¡­ think it¡¯s probably December outside? I was thinking about dead trees like a week ago¡­ I always really hated dead trees, but I was thinking that it would look so much better here if we had trees. Even if they didn¡¯t have any leaves. It would just be so much less unnerving if there was any bit of nature. I mean, most trees just go dormant in the winter, they don¡¯t actually die, so it¡¯s not like-¡° ¡°-that¡¯s related to a lot of things, Cody.¡±
  1. Don¡¯t talk about IKEA
  2. Don¡¯t talk about death
Uhhhhh¡­ ¡°¡­ you¡­ ever watched Lost ?¡± He rubbed his forehead. ¡°Never mind, you¡¯re fine,¡± He said. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I¡¯m sorry I talked to her,¡± I said. I immediately wondered if the gap between us was small enough for his massive arms to reach me. ¡°¡­ nah, I¡¯m glad you did. She doesn¡¯t talk to many people besides me¡­ sometimes she doesn¡¯t even speak to Natalie anymore when she visits.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She still visits her. She sounds like a good friend. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°She used to live with him,¡± He said more quietly, without needing to tell me who he was referring to . ¡°We¡¯d been messing around for like a year, and we obviously cared about each other¡­ but she loved him so much, I wasn¡¯t even a lightbulb next to him. The only way she felt safe here was¡­ imagining that they were kids again, living in the same house, sleeping right next-door to each other¡­ pretending their parents were just down the hall¡­ he used to give me such hell for not putting my whole wrist in the pot¡­ I had never liked the idea of getting romantically involved with someone here, but he was so cool about what I always felt should have been uncomfortable.¡± I looked to him just in time to see the smile on his face begin to slowly disappear. ¡°That house wasn¡¯t safe for her anymore¡­ with him, it had become her new childhood home, but then¡­ then it was covered in a person that wasn¡¯t there anymore¡­ she couldn¡¯t stay there after him¡­ that¡¯s the only reason she¡¯s with me now¡­ sometimes I feel like I¡¯m burdening her¡­ if I had gone instead, I bet he would be so much better at comforting her.¡± I wasn¡¯t even going to try saying anything. I had come over here for that exact reason. Silence is a better friend than most people understand. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª His smile returned slightly as he chuckled. ¡°Sorry,¡± He said. ¡°I wasn¡¯t trying to prove I¡¯m better at distracting myself than you, I shouldn¡¯t have let that all go on you.¡± ¡°No, don¡¯t say sorry. I¡¯m glad you can-¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Wait, what did he say? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Distracting?¡± He looked towards me for the first time. ¡°Yeah, I just¡­ needed to think about something else.¡± Something else¡­ like¡­ besides that? I thought that was it. ¡°I mean, what else is-¡° I was silenced by the church doors opening again. I looked towards them, anticipating to see the tenth member of The Omen, only realizing that wouldn¡¯t make any sense when that was not what I saw. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Step eight: Sandra walked in. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I felt the air change, immediately realizing the gravity of Carolette¡¯s warning. I had dodged decapitation by never asking Roman what was wrong. Sandra whispered briefly with Natalie and Robert, as Roman pushed up from the wall. ¡°Roman¡­¡± I said. He didn¡¯t respond. The three¡¯s aside ended as they all began walking up to the pulpit. The rest of the group began to centralize closer as Roman walked away from me. I didn¡¯t want to move. I didn¡¯t want to be a part of this meeting. My skin began to crawl as Natalie¡¯s first foot stepped up onto the platform. I barely felt Carolette¡¯s hand on my wrist as she gently brought me over to the circle. I stood between her and Roman, completely petrified with a dread that I couldn¡¯t really describe. Nothing was hurting me. Nothing was immediately threatening to. I was alive and breathing. I should have been, and I was, but my lungs were beginning to overthink. As Natalie began to speak, I felt a similar sensation to this month¡¯s earlier lingering symptoms. Somewhere in my chest, I started teetering. ¡°Vernon,¡± Natalie began. ¡°Are you gonna fix Angie¡¯s door this week?¡± He scowled a little as Sandra stepped next to her. Robert walked silently to a spot behind Tecca and Vernon, not really joining the circle. ¡°I have to sand down the edges, it takes a while,¡± Vernon said. ¡°Don¡¯t talk back to me, just tell her that. Tecca and I haven¡¯t heard the end of it.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve read,¡± Tecca said. ¡°She¡¯s heard .¡± Vernon scratched his beard. I was much too distracted to be disgusted. ¡°Before closing tomorrow,¡± Vernon said. ¡°But I¡¯d have to stop working on-¡° ¡°-That shouldn¡¯t be your priority anyway,¡± Natalie interrupted. ¡°You know that. Don¡¯t act cute.¡± He silently took the slight and folded his arms. She sighed. ¡°You and Tecca can go tell her together. Just spit out a ballpark to her, she isn¡¯t going to honor it anyway. Just tell her something , okay?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need Tecca to do that,¡± He said, slightly challenging. ¡°What makes you think I can¡¯t tell her on my own?¡± Natalie¡¯s expression didn¡¯t change as she let her brief silence answer his question. ¡°Take Tecca.¡± She turned to Otto. ¡°Um¡­ Tecca and I¡­¡± She began to him. ¡°Would¡­ appreciate it if you would stop talking to Veronica about how her son is doing on the ¡®other side¡¯. I think it would be best if she didn¡¯t have any more reminders of her family, Otto.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not sure why you say that, and well,¡± Otto replied with his usual uncanny smile. ¡°She is the one who told me about him in the first place. I don¡¯t see why it would be making her uncomfortable.¡± ¡°She told you about it for ten seconds two years ago. It was a mistake. Please don¡¯t bring up anything of her family again¡­ and try to give that same respect when speaking to everyone. Until they are explicitly asking you to pray for someone outside¡­ pretend that their families don¡¯t exist.¡± He tilted his head. ¡°Do you think that God just pretends that his children don¡¯t exist?¡± I saw Natalie begin to scratch her wrist uncomfortably. A weird color in her cheeks. ¡°¡­ we can talk about this later,¡± She resigned. ¡°Alone.¡± Something in Otto had overpowered her, and I couldn¡¯t begin to imagine what it was, but it mortified me. Her view shifted to Elijah. ¡°What¡¯s Tracy doing?¡± She asked him. ¡°Just organizing her room, making a list of things she doesn¡¯t want there, or wants there instead. You can decide whether or not we listen to that .¡± ¡°Not. Who told her to make a list?¡± ¡°Uhhhh,¡± He said. ¡°I think I was just joking¡­¡± ¡°Great idea,¡± She said with about the level of sarcasm you¡¯d assume. ¡°Well, anyway¡­ Sam¡¯s gonna start teaching her the record-keeping tomorrow.¡± Tracy had somehow managed to almost immediately earn a job in The Library. I wasn¡¯t happy about it. I still hadn¡¯t been allowed to even go there on my own. ¡°Alright. I want him telling you everything he thinks about her¡­¡± She said. He chuckled. ¡°What, still don¡¯t like her?¡± She ignored him and looked at Carolette dejectedly. She paused, as if preparing herself. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Okay¡­ tell me about it,¡± She said before taking a deep breath she had been resisting the need for. Carolette was silent for a moment. She looked past me to Roman before responding. Roman was still looking at the floor. ¡°Well,¡± She began as she turned back to Natalie. ¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s dire as of today, it¡¯s just something you¡¯ll have to think about¡­ in the next month I¡¯d say¡­ but I wouldn¡¯t put it off for two.¡± Natalie closed her eyes for a moment and remained silent. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Her eyes opened. ¡°Roman?¡± She said calmly, not in impatience. He pulled his eyes up to her respectfully. ¡°I disagree,¡± He said. ¡°¡­ I wouldn¡¯t wait even a month.¡± ¡°¡­ that¡¯s pessimistic,¡± Carolette said. Roman thought for a moment before he finally looked at her. ¡°Yeah¡­ and I¡¯m glad you¡¯re still realistic without being optimistic ,¡± He said. ¡°But we don¡¯t need that¡­ we need pessimism.¡± Carolette nodded solemnly before addressing Natalie. ¡°Yeah,¡± She said. ¡°He¡¯s right. We do.¡± Natalie rubbed her forehead, trusting their diagnosis. I had absolutely no clue what they were talking about, but I didn¡¯t really care. I kept having to keep myself from staring at Sandra standing next to her. I kept having to keep myself from staring at the spot where someone else usually was. ¡°Let me go with you,¡± Roman suddenly said after some silence. ¡°No.¡± Natalie immediately squashed the notion and returned her hands professionally to her sides. ¡°No,¡± She repeated. ¡°It¡¯s fine. Thank you for telling me.¡± There was a silence that hung, and its teeth began to bare as Natalie continued to stare at him. She had worked herself over a hurdle that I didn¡¯t know the meaningful height of, but it somehow seemed like she was just one vault away from a much taller one as her eyes softened on him. ¡°You can leave if you want¡­¡± She basically whispered with the softest voice I¡¯d ever heard her use. It made me sick. Roman¡¯s gaze drifted away from her, but as he stared back towards the floor, he shook his head and remained positioned in the circle. She nodded and turned to Robert. ¡°Same goes for you.¡± He stared at her without responding. His expression was less gentle. She still accepted it just the same as she looked away. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Sandra is here,¡± Natalie said. ¡° Obviously ¡­¡± Sandra waved her hand softly to the rest of the assembly without really looking at anyone. ¡°Um¡­ I don¡¯t know if¡­ you wanna kind of just go for it¡­¡° Natalie mumbled to her. Sandra nodded and stepped slightly forward. Everyone focused their attention silently to her. I tried not to scream. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°This is ultimately up to all of you for how you would like to continue from this day forward, but I would not recommend making Evelyn leave the house anymore.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Evelyn wasn¡¯t here. Roman kept staring at the ground. ¡°I just don¡¯t have any avenues for management. Anything radical at this time would just be cruel to her. Her jaundice is already doing enough without me trying to pointlessly diagnose the stages of her decline¡­ if you want my clairvoyance without the technology to confirm it to you physically¡­ her bile duct is far past compressed¡­ I don¡¯t know how she¡¯s functioning at all.¡± Step nine: ¡°I would say that five weeks is generous.¡± This is how I learned that Evelyn has terminal pancreatic cancer. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Some form of evil stars aligned in my head as I was, somewhat unintentionally, the first person to speak. ¡°¡­ what are you talking about?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I felt nauseous with words. Sandra looked at me awkwardly, but with an appropriate tinge of annoyance. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I know it¡¯s hard to hear,¡± She said patiently to me. ¡°I¡­ don¡¯t know if you have a history with this, but-¡° ¡°-no¡­ that¡¯s not¡­ how do you even know you¡¯re right?¡± Natalie began to step forward, and I think Sandra saw it, as she immediately began responding before Natalie had the chance to decimate me. ¡°Her skin is yellow, Cody. She¡¯s vomiting more than she¡¯s keeping down. She can barely sit up let alone stand, and¡­¡± I saw her glance towards Roman nervously, before looking back to continue her grotesque description of his adopted mother¡¯s decay. ¡°She¡¯s never weighed much but¡­ she¡¯s down to bone¡­ I¡¯m not going to describe her stool to you.¡± I didn¡¯t think Sandra was lying. I really had never lied to Sandra, and I believed that Sandra never lied to me. That wasn¡¯t the issue. I felt myself letting go and I made my issue quite well known. ¡°Why didn¡¯t you see it before?! Where did it come from?!¡± She sighed. ¡°I did see it. I brought it up for the first time over six months before you even showed up. I can¡¯t conduct an operative procedure here. I just can¡¯t. I don¡¯t even think I¡¯d trust myself to perform it properly if I had the facilities, and in the hypothetical instance that she was hospitalized in the real world, with everything at their disposal¡­ it would still be petty time they were saving.¡± ¡°Time is time!¡± ¡°Not borrowed time. This is just something that¡¯s been coming for a while. She¡¯s eighty-one years old. Old people get cancer. Humans get cancer. It happens, Cody.¡± ¡°Well then why didn¡¯t you let anyone know it was happening?!¡± Elijah cleared his throat. ¡°She did,¡± He said shortly. ¡°She just told you she did. This wasn¡¯t a secret. Nothing is a secret to this group.¡± ¡°EXCEPT FOR ME?! WHEN YOU TOLD ME ABOUT EVELYN, DID YOU THINK I WOULDN¡¯T WANT TO KNOW THAT?!¡± I was looking at Elijah¡¯s other half. It stared back at me. ¡°Why did you think you were here, Cody?¡° ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª They¡­ preemptively replaced her? They made me meet the woman they wanted me to fill the spot of before she died? That¡¯s what this was? That¡¯s why I¡¯m a ¡°member¡± of this backwards fucking oligarchy? ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I felt a hand on my shoulder before I could continue screaming at Elijah. I turned to see Roman behind me. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± He said. ¡°I wanted to tell you¡­ I did. Not just today, and not just yesterday¡­ it shouldn¡¯t have been Sandra¡¯s responsibility to tell people¡­ I should¡¯ve told-¡° I suddenly brushed his arm away from myself. Natalie stepped forward before Roman held his hand out to her. Carolette stepped around him as Elijah walked past me to whisper something to Natalie. They were the ones that were like flies. I was like a carcass. ¡°Cody, calm down,¡± Carolette said. ¡°This isn¡¯t the place for this-¡° ¡°-What¡¯s the place for it?! What¡¯s the place for me to collectively scream at you all for constantly manipulating me?!¡± ¡°Manipu-Cody, no one is manipulating you,¡± She said. ¡°That¡¯s not fair and you know it. This isn¡¯t about you.¡± ¡°EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME! AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE YOU ALL ACT THE SAME NOW AS YOU DID BEFORE I WAS HERE?! EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME!¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± Robert said in the back. ¡°You¡¯ve made that pretty clear by now.¡± ¡°NO!¡± Carolette yelled over him to me. ¡°That¡¯s not true! You¡¯re being unreasonable! Look at us! Honestly, look at us!¡± I backed away in fear, not wanting to look at any of them, but taking notice of all of their eyes on me. ¡°Cody¡­¡± She said. ¡°I need you to listen to me¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Ten easy steps to destroying Cody Camargo: Written by Buzzfeed. Step ten: ¡°¡­ we all care about you.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°¡­ you care about me? You care about me?-¡° ¡°-Cody-¡° ¡°-SHUT UP! FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! SHUT UP!¡± Tecca sneered. ¡°Do you think we¡¯re not used to you yelling irrationally by now?¡± He said. ¡°That¡¯s not gonna change what she¡¯s saying.¡± ¡°WELL IT FUCKING SHOULD! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM! I KNOW YOU DON¡¯T CARE BECAUSE YOU CAN¡¯T CARE! IT DOESN¡¯T WORK THAT WAY!¡± ¡°We¡¯ve had this conversation before, dude,¡± Elijah said lazily. ¡°You¡¯re being dramatic.¡± My crazed eyes shot to him. ¡°¡­ dramatic?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª As a new layer of self-defense materialized in my blood, I pulled it up out of myself, dripping with flesh and viscera. I felt it wet in my bumbling fingers, hating it for a moment, and loving it like an infant the next. I felt it become me. I let it become me. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°DRAMATIC?! I WONDER IF I¡¯M MORE OR LESS DRAMATIC THAN THE BIPOLAR FREAK WHO¡¯S SCARED OF HIS GIRLFRIEND GETTING FUCKED BY HER SOUS CHEF! YOU THINK I¡¯VE GOT HIM BEAT?!¡± Elijah didn¡¯t respond, he just stared at me with tired eyes. The same as Tecca did as my vitriol shifted to him. ¡°OR MAYBE THE GUY WHO CAN¡¯T BE CONVINCED THAT EVERY SINGLE LIVING HUMAN ISN¡¯T OBSESSED WITH HIS SEXUALITY?! LIKE EVERYONE IS CONSTANTLY WAKING UP TO THINK ABOUT WHO HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH! YOU¡¯RE ABOUT FIFTEEN YEARS LATE TO BEING A MARTYR FOR THAT SHIT! MAYBE YOU¡¯LL HAVE THE RIGHT ONCE YOU ACTUALLY ATTEMPT COMMITTING YOURSELF TO SOMEBODY!¡± The same as Robert. ¡°OR MAYBE THE SAD OLD MAN WHO THINKS HE¡¯S BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH, THAT HE¡¯S JUST TOO GODDAMN WEATHERED FOR ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND HIM, SO THAT MUST BE THE REASON WHY HE¡¯S ALONE! YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE YOUR ADOPTED DAUGHTER MIGHT FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU THAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES?! MAYBE SHE JUST DOESN¡¯T SAY IT BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT SHE¡¯S THE ONLY PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE THAT ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT YOU! THAT¡¯S NOT LOVE, IT¡¯S ENTRAPMENT!¡± And Sandra. ¡°HOW ABOUT THE WITCH DOCTOR WHO THINKS SHE¡¯S HOUSE M.D. BECAUSE SHE LET HER PARENTS FORCE HER INTO NURSING SCHOOL?! YOU WANNA ACT SO FUCKING NONCHALANT TO ME ABOUT THE CYCLE OF DEATH BUT WANNA SHOVE YOUR INABILITY TO SLEEP AT NIGHT INTO ANYONE¡¯S FACE WHO WILL FEEL SYMPATHY FOR HOW HARD YOU WORK! I BET THAT MAKES YOU FEEL REALLY WARM AND IMPORTANT DOESN¡¯T IT?! THANK GOD NO ONE ELSE HERE HAS AN INKLING OF A CLUE ABOUT MEDICINAL PRACTICES!¡± And Vernon. ¡°Have you¡­ GENUINELY¡­ EVER¡­ TAKEN A SHOWER IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE?! DID YOU LOSE ANY CREATURE COMFORT WHATSOEVER WHEN YOU ENDED UP HERE?! WERE YOU RAISED IN A FUCKING SEWAGE RUNOFF?!¡± I finally looked towards Carolette, whose eyes were plagued with a true sadness that no one else¡¯s had been. ¡°YOU KNOW WHAT CAROLETTE?! SINCE YOU¡¯RE SO SMART, AND SO UNDERSTANDING, AND SO COMPREHENSIVE OF PEOPLE¡¯S NATURE, I¡¯LL LET YOU TAKE A GUESS WHAT I WOULD PROBABLY SAY TO YOU HERE! DOES THAT POP ANY IDEAS INTO YOUR HEAD?! FILL IN THE BLANK! TOP TEN ANSWERS ON THE BOARD!¡± Carolette didn¡¯t stay silent like the rest. She shook her head in utter confusion. ¡°Why are you doing this? You¡¯re scaring me.¡± I went up a gear. She still can¡¯t get it through to herself. She thinks it¡¯s a character. She thinks it¡¯s lashing out. That¡¯s not what this is. You don¡¯t know what this is. ¡°I¡¯M SCARY?! DO YOU SEE THE BUILDING YOU¡¯RE STANDING IN?! I DON¡¯T KNOW HOW ANYONE COULD EVER FEEL THE LIGHT OF GOD IN A PLACE SO FUCKING DARK!¡± ¡°Hey!¡± Natalie finally interrupted. I did not listen. ¡°THE ONLY THING SCARIER THAN THIS CROOKED BLAIR WITCH MONUMENT IS THE CATHOLIC CHILD RAPIST THAT¡¯S HEADING IT UP!¡± I shoved my hands in Otto¡¯s direction. ¡°I MEAN IS ANYONE CONVINCED THAT THIS GUY IS ALLOWED WITHIN THIRTY FEET OF A PLAYGROUND?!¡± Natalie pushed past Roman before he grabbed her arm. She shoved her other one towards my face. ¡°Do you understand that your entire tenure here is because of a lost little girl?¡± She said, putting a God-particle of energy into controlling her volume. ¡°I will throw you out with the same song and dance as before, see what new bargaining chip you can somehow weasel your way back in again with. The next time you stepped outside those gates without the cart, you¡¯d be as good as dead to me.¡± I took a second to breathe. I felt the burn in my lungs that I hadn¡¯t felt in a month. I didn¡¯t cough. I liked the way it lined the walls. I liked the way it forced itself intravenous. I felt the high reach my head, as a smile slowly creeped across my face. A smile that must have been eerily similar to Natalie¡¯s right after I had punched her. ¡°Well don¡¯t throw me out yet,¡± I said vilely . ¡°I haven¡¯t gotten to you and the mountain here. I mean, I don¡¯t even think I have any material left for you guys! I must have said it all! BESIDES, I¡¯M MORE INTERESTED IN THE GIRL FROM THE RING THAT YOU¡¯RE BOTH HIDING IN ROMAN¡¯S HOUSE! YOU THINK I¡¯M MORE DRAMATIC THAN HER SELF-PITYING, ATTENTION SEEKING ASS!? I MEAN, SHE CLEARLY HAS NO GODDAMN INTENTION OF WORKING TO GET BETTER, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?! I BET THE TWO OF YOU WOULD BE A LOT LESS TENSE IF SHE GOT IT OVER WITH AND JUST OFFED HERSELF!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I didn¡¯t love it anymore. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Roman let go of Natalie, probably wanting to let her have her way with me, but for a moment, she didn¡¯t move. I don¡¯t think she was breathing. How could she? Her head was on fire. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I returned, and became myself, or whatever I like to tell myself that is. ¡°I¡¯m¡­ I¡¯m sorry,¡± I said shakily. I knew it was such a pitiful thing to try after that, and I didn¡¯t know if I was saying it to her, to the room, or to God. I just knew that I was terrified of Natalie Shachiro. I now also knew that saying I¡¯m sorry was a huge mistake, as her face began to twist. I guess I should have assumed as much. I remembered what Elijah said to me once: She doesn¡¯t like giving or receiving mercy. I can¡¯t believe I had even wasted my own mental energy considering saying sorry to her so many times about so many things. I should¡¯ve known exactly what would have happened. I should have known it would end up with her hands around my throat. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Natalie was not trying to scare me at all. The second her fingers found the circumference of my neck, they were dredging through my flesh so belligerently, I immediately had breathed what she considered my last breath. The purple oceans were molting. Her face was empty of herself. Her brow wasn¡¯t furrowed. It¡¯s like she wasn¡¯t even conscious outside of the hands that were abbreviating my throat. Like I¡¯d daydreamed once, Abel hadn¡¯t had shit on her. I wasn¡¯t even struggling. My legs were the only part of me that was fighting, but they got the memo. I crumbled to my knees as she followed me smoothly down to the floor, holding me in a way that forced my eyes to stay locked on hers. She was hyper-focused into dissociation. The entirety of her perception was functioning only to witness the moment that the life would leave my eyes. There was no way she was going to miss it. Or miss it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Natalie!¡± The first voice called out after what felt like an hour, so I¡¯d assume it was a minute. Everyone else had just been letting her jive. ¡°Natalie! Not for you! Not for your promise!¡± It was Otto¡¯s voice. I wished I had been dead before hearing it. She didn¡¯t listen at first, I¡¯m not even sure she¡¯d heard him. ¡°NATALIE!¡± He screamed. In the pitiful blurring vision I currently resided in, I saw him appear over her shoulder, the same one he grabbed to try and rip her away from me. She was obviously much too strong for him, but she actually let go. As I let in a massive breath, I just barely saw Natalie lurching around to punch the almighty shit out of Otto. I heard him fall to the ground. I choked and hacked. I blinked the waterfall of tears out of my eyes to try and find the world again. As I did, I saw Natalie staring down at Otto as he curled up on the floor, holding his hands over the blood that was shooting from his likely broken nose. She stared down at him, looking like she wanted to do more. I kept waiting for someone to step in and stop her, because I had no reason to believe she wouldn¡¯t continue if she wanted to. But no one touched her. No one spoke. Everyone just stared at her. At her. Not at me. Not at the guy who had just horribly shattered any little semblance of good faith he possibly had left with them, just to prove that he could. No, they didn¡¯t care about that guy anymore. They didn¡¯t even remember he was in the room. They just cared about her. They just cared . They were sad. Like they¡¯d expected this, but the preparation didn¡¯t make it any easier. Then I knew. I knew they could care about me if they wanted to, no matter who or what I was, because I was staring at the most horrible beast that they still loved unconditionally. That beast turned back around to me, as I realized why Roman had really let go. All these people loved her, it¡¯s clear that they did. Everyone in R&E cared deeply for Natalie, because she cared deeply for them, and that was unmistakable. She was the protector, to whatever isolating end that meant. But as I looked at how everyone there was unanimously scared of Natalie, I realized that it wasn¡¯t exclusive to this moment. Natalie was the epitome of a necessary evil. Nobody wanted to be scared of her, but she was erratic, and angry, and her love by itself could not excuse her funny way of showing it. It was real love, but even in everyone¡¯s constant recognition of that fact¡­ ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Natalie was alone. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Everyone tried to change that, day in and day out, but they couldn¡¯t. Something had clearly disappeared inside of her that had once given her the capacity for reciprocation. Now, she knew what she was, and knew what she looked like to everyone here. So she just let that paint swallow her. You want me to feel like a bitch? You think you¡¯re trailblazing by making me feel like I¡¯m evil? Such a complex and original idea. As I stared at the fire in Natalie¡¯s eyes, realizing there was absolutely no apology that could extinguish it, I felt the beginning of a genuine sympathy towards her. Sympathy isn¡¯t a good word. Pity is better. Privileged little shit I was. ¡°Outside,¡± She said. ¡°Now.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She stayed gargoyle-still as I took way too long to shake myself up and began to try and stand. My legs almost buckled, but I used my fear to crutch the weight, and began to walk. I tried to make eye contact with the rest of the group, tried to silently apologize, but everyone was either looking at her or looking at the floor. The only exception was Sandra, waiting for Natalie to pass before kneeling carefully down to Otto¡¯s shaking body on the ground. As I walked away, I felt like I was drifting off the coast in a boat with no paddle. The current was pulling me slowly away from the hope of ever seeing human life again. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I stepped outside of the church and awkwardly turned around, watching her follow me out into the false-daylight. She stared at me for a moment, but seemingly only to wait for my begging to begin again. I stayed silent. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Walk back to the house.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I¡­ I think Sean might be there.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care.¡± I counted my blessings that saying that name hadn¡¯t immediately broken the surface tension of whatever hellish stasis-mode she was in right now, and forced my shaking limbs to set off towards the house. Our house. Our fucking house. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª The town was a blur as it passed. I tried to appreciate every step I took, every step where I wasn¡¯t yet isolated with whatever horrible circumstance was about to lock me in with itself. What should have been a five-minute walk felt like forty-five seconds at best, as I found myself standing before the entrance, pseudo-instantaneously. She didn¡¯t need to touch me. As I fought with my ability to move in front of the door, I felt her presence looming over my back. I reached for the knob and opened it. I stepped into the ¡°living room¡±, thousand-mile staring as I heard her close the door behind us. Every single second, I was waiting for the nerve-jump of feeling her body lunge onto mine. She stepped beside me, not even looking in my direction. She pointed to the pillar next to the stairs. ¡°Sit down.¡± I stared at her for a second, but before she even made an attempt to meet my eye contact, she turned and walked upstairs, leaving me alone. The floor creaked above me, as I heard her entering her room, and beginning to rummage for an object I was already set on the identity of. Assumption was safe here. I turned around, looking toward the door. There was no lock on the front of our house. I could¡¯ve ran, could¡¯ve hidden¡­ like someone else I know. I could¡¯ve attempted escape. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It¡¯s not that I didn¡¯t want to. I wasn¡¯t feeling brave, and to be honest¡­ hadn¡¯t felt accepting of the notion of death for about a week and a half. The idea of Natalie returning downstairs to dispense me was just as stomach-churning as it should have been. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª But I didn¡¯t run. I sat down. I faced the couch. After she stopped rummaging, I heard the faintest vapor of Natalie whispering to herself upstairs. I couldn¡¯t make out the words. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She came back down. I felt her waiting just outside my field of view for a moment before stepping in front of me. The gun was in her off-hand. Left, when it had always been right. ¡°Look at me.¡± I couldn¡¯t. I kept staring forward. ¡°Look. At. Me.¡± She didn¡¯t punch me. Didn¡¯t press the gun to my head. Didn¡¯t scream. She just stepped between me and the couch. ¡°Look up at me, Cody.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I did. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I was sure I was going to die then. The only thing I could do to calm myself down was to look at her body. The way it towered over me. The way it eclipsed my worthless little self. I liked it. I tried to be soothed in its warm proximity. I opened my mouth, offering a place for her to rest the barrel. I felt horny. More than I had my entire time here. I wanted her to do it. I wanted her to touch me again. Even if it was through the reach of the bullet. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She didn¡¯t. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She stood there for a while before I realized that her eyes had drifted away from me into space. She wasn¡¯t looking anywhere close to me when she started dragging the barrel over my forehead. Brushing. Left. Right. Left. Right. A little higher to the hairline. Left. Right. Left. Right. Her arm went slack. It went into a pendulum swing. Back. Forth. Back. Forth. My head felt cold without it. ¡°Hey,¡± I said. Was she even in the same room? ¡°You¡¯re really annoying me.¡± Without responding or looking, she lazily pushed it right up to the bridge of my nose. She shoved my head back against the pillar and kneeled down onto the floor. Her eyes slowly drifted back to mine, and stared so deeply into them that it didn¡¯t even feel like eye contact. I aged seven years in seven seconds. The little inverted pyramid of her widow¡¯s peak was so perfectly hinted at behind her bangs. ¡°Pooooowwwwwwww¡­¡± She whispered. The beretta¡¯s phantom recoil blew to the ceiling as she stood and walked away from my un-blown out brains. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She turned on her heel and plopped down on the couch. Both arms on either knee. The gun hung between her legs. Her chin rested on her other palm. The weapon twirled in meditative circles as she watched me from across the room. She was silent for twelve minutes and twenty-one seconds. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She pulled up her legs to the cushion. Criss-cross with her hands in her lap. Her expression remolded as she watched me across the room. She was silent for two minutes and twenty-six seconds. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She dipped her left leg and sexily draped her right over it, her foot bouncing mid-air. She ran her free hand over her thighs as she watched me across the room. She was silent for nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds. I was hungry. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She stood and walked to the kitchen. She sat up on the counter with her legs dangling. She tapped the gun against the marble as she favored staring at the fridge to staring at me. She was silent for five minutes and thirty-one seconds. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She sniffed and jumped down to her feet. She strafed past me to the front door. She was silent as she exited and left me alone. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I didn¡¯t look at the door. I didn¡¯t let the words ¡°Escape¡± or ¡°Run¡± stay for any longer than they deserved in my stream of consciousness. Natalie was gone for ten minutes and twenty-six seconds. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She opened the door to find me in the same position. I didn¡¯t look at her until she gracefully folded onto the ground in front of me. She placed a plate in front of me. She put her own in front of herself. A Caesar-wrap for her. A plate of eggs and no fork for me. She picked up one of her halves and silently began to eat. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I stared at her in confusion for eleven seconds before her eyes looked up to mine. She immediately pulled the beretta back out of her waist and held it to my face while still chewing. ¡°Do you think I care?¡± I hissed. She nonchalantly responded by pressing it against my groin. Not aiming it towards my groin , pressing it into my groin . I tried to pretend it didn¡¯t faze me for sixteen seconds before picking up a hand-full of eggs. She brought the gun back to her waist and let her eyes abandon me again, before spitting into the pile of eggs, a little piece of her wrap joining the saliva. I shook a little as I forced myself to begin to chew in spite of that. We ate silently for eight minutes and five seconds. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She scratched her nose before taking our cleaned plates. She stood to walk them to the typically untouched kitchen sink. She swung back around, crossing her arms and staring into space. Just staring. For six minutes on the dot. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She sighed and brushed her bang aside. The way I loved. ¡°¡­ go apologize to Roman.¡± She walked past and towards the stairs. ¡°When you¡¯re done, go to the cell. Sleep there tonight. Wake yourself up to go tomorrow. We¡¯ll talk when you get back.¡± She climbed the stairs without another word. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°What?¡± I mean¡­ ¡°What the actual what-are you joking?¡± She didn¡¯t respond from upstairs as I heard her door close. There¡¯s just no¡­ and I mean¡­ no goddamn way. I immediately stood and followed her upstairs. I reached the door and pounded on it as ferociously as I could manage. ¡°OPEN IT, NATALIE!¡± Until my hand hurt. The door opened. The gun wasn¡¯t on her waist anymore. Her face was empty of anger. Empty of anything really. ¡°Not today. Tomorrow-¡° ¡°-WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU NOW-JUST DO IT! DO IT! ¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°GODDAMMIT SAY SOMETHING! ¡± ¡°I just did-¡° ¡°-SO WHAT?! YOU¡¯RE CALM NOW?! DID YOU SUDDENLY DECIDE YOU¡¯RE A PACIFIST?! DID THAT HAPPEN BEFORE OR AFTER LAYING OTTO¡¯S SHIT OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE?! BEFORE OR AFTER YOU HAD A DEATH-GRIP ON MY THROAT?!¡± She tilted her head a little. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°When did you talk to Jen?¡± I was really tempted to start fighting Natalie. ¡°I FFFfff, WHO¡­ FUCKING CARES?! YESTERDAY, DOES IT MATTER?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!¡± She crossed her arms and looked away. ¡°I can¡¯t believe you.¡± That. Makes. Two. Of. Us. ¡°IT WASN¡¯T MY CHOICE-ROMAN BROUGHT ME THERE- INTO HIS HOME! SHE WALKED DOWNSTAIRS WITHOUT HIM EVEN KNOWING-SHE STOOD RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME WITH A KNIFE! I DIDN¡¯T WANT TO TALK TO HER! SHE TALKED AND I ANSWERED!¡± ¡°But you answered.¡± ¡°NATALIE, WHERE IS THE GUN?!¡± She looked back at me. ¡°What?¡± ¡°¡® WHAT ¡¯?! YOU¡¯RE SAYING ¡® WHAT ¡¯ LIKE YOU¡¯RE GENUINELY CONFUSED?! ARE YOU DOING IT, OR NOT?! ¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I can¡¯t.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You¡­ can¡¯t?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I won¡¯t .¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She turned away from me and walked to her bed. ¡°Why¡­ how many people have you killed? Do you expect me to believe that you suddenly have some moral quandary that¡¯s restricting you from backing up what you say?¡± She sat down on the bed and stared out the window behind it, ignoring me silently. ¡°What if I started hitting you?¡± ¡°You won¡¯t.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know that!¡± ¡°I do.¡± ¡°NO YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT!¡± ¡°¡­ then just do it.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Look at me. Look. At. Me. Look back at me, Natalie. ¡°¡­ I want my phone.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª Her head turned slightly, but she barely had turned away from the window. My voice was shaking. ¡°I want my phone!¡± I waited a reasonable amount of time as she stayed silent. ¡°I¡¯M EXERCISING MY RIGHT TO ASK IF YOU FUCKING HEARD ME?!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She looked towards me, the smallest sliver of anger finally breaching her expression. ¡°It¡¯s dead isn¡¯t it? What do you even want with it?-¡° ¡°-if it¡¯s dead then what¡¯s the point in not giving it to me?!¡± She looked back away to the window. ¡°FUCKING LOOK AT ME!¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She did. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I know there¡¯s electricity here, and I know with all the garbage you collect from random corpses coming in, that you probably have a phone charger by now! What if I need a flashlight?!¡± ¡°You have one.¡± ¡°What if I didn¡¯t anymore?!¡± My voice was hurt again. My tonsils burned. I didn¡¯t care about the flashlight. ¡°What do you want me to say, Cody? I¡¯m not giving you your phone.¡± She turned away again. ¡°And I¡¯m not gonna keep looking at you when you¡¯re being like this,¡± She said. ¡°It¡¯s fucking embarrassing.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I tried to raise my fist. I tried to take the first step towards the back of her head. I never would have made it all the way. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You know¡­ I¡­ I could just leave.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She tapped on the window with the back of her middle finger. ¡°Is that supposed to be bargaining?¡± ¡°I want my fucking phone! What does it matter if I have my phone or not?! Just give it to me!¡± ¡°Nothing matters with you, Cody. You¡¯re not a member of the community, we¡¯re just harboring you. Whatever small amount of freedom you have, it¡¯s not an indicator of whether or not I care about what you want¡­ and certainly not what you need or deserve. You don¡¯t even want your phone, you just want me to hand it to you.¡± Why are you so scared to die? You practically did it already. Just let her finish it. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°I wanna make it clear, and I know you won¡¯t believe me¡­¡± She said. ¡°You¡¯re only here because Elijah seems to trust you.¡± Now she¡¯s trying too hard. ¡°So I guess when you say ¡®Me, myself, and I¡± make the decision, you really mean ¡®Elijah¡¯ makes the decision? And that¡¯s why you and nine other confused diplomats stand in that church to make ¡®decisions¡¯ together?¡± She stood up. She approached and planted herself three inches away from my face. I tried to hold the gaze as it continued for an uncomfortable span of time, but pussied out and looked away after 15.36 seconds. ¡°Do you want me to punch you?¡± She asked. ¡°Like are you requesting it? Would it make you feel better? I¡¯m wholeheartedly asking you. Do you like it or something? Is that what this is? Do you think it would make you feel better if I punched you right now?¡± I don¡¯t know. ¡°Just do it¡­ just once¡­¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª She did. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª It wasn¡¯t as hard as I was expecting, but it knocked me back to the doorframe. I caught myself with the wall, and held my hand to the now stinging right side of my face. She was holding back. We both knew. I looked at her as she shook her hand, lowering it. I wondered if it made her feel better. It didn¡¯t work for me. We stared at each other for far longer than I think we ever had. Neither of us spoke. I stopped counting seconds. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You want your phone?¡± I tried to stand normally. ¡°¡­ yeah.¡± She nodded silently. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You¡¯re gonna go out with me tomorrow.¡± Twitch. Right now? Really? Shut up. ¡°I¡¯ll give you your phone before we go,¡± She added. ¡°If you come back, you can keep it.¡± No. ¡°If I¡­ come back?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You mean¡­ if I make it back?¡± ¡°You have five seconds to-¡° ¡°-Okay. Let¡¯s do it.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Good¡­ just go apologize to Roman.¡± I have no fucking idea what I just agreed to, but I think it was a bad idea. ¡°¡­ we¡¯re done?¡± I said. ¡°Cody, please go¡­ close the door.¡± ¡°I want to talk about-¡° ¡°-GET. OUT.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I kept eye contact with her as I backed away, closing the door behind me again. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I tried to walk down the stairs, but I couldn¡¯t move. I felt like I wanted to burst in again for the third time this week. Before I could will myself to do it, she came back out, sticking her head through the crack of the door to see me standing there. ¡°Cody, I¡¯m so serious. Apologize. I¡¯ll know if you didn¡¯t.¡± She closed the door. And I tried. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I tried to imagine that a new me had stepped outside when I closed the front door to our house. I tried to imagine that Natalie wasn¡¯t watching me out the window as I walked towards Roman¡¯s house. I tried to think of what I would say to ameliorate. I tried to not turn around the second I saw his front door. I tried to walk towards it. I tried to reason with myself that I had no way of knowing he was even home, so why would I knock on his door? I¡¯ll just wait until the next time I see him. I tried to stay stationary for the amount of time it would take to have a hypothetical conversation, so when I passed by Natalie¡¯s window again, it wasn¡¯t too soon for the lie to check out. I tried to not walk back inside and tell her that I couldn¡¯t do it until it sent her the rest of the way over the edge. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I tried to not throw up when I saw the front of the cell for the first time in weeks. I hate to say that any part of Elijah¡¯s teasing was correct, but it did feel bizarrely nostalgic. I wasn¡¯t exactly happy about that, but¡­ you know. The heart wants what it wants. I wanted a room that wasn¡¯t flooded with oil. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I think it was around 3:30 when Elijah came in. The door opened much more quietly here when it wasn¡¯t latched from the other side. I was lying on the table, staring up at the ceiling. I barely dragged my head towards him to see his underwhelmed gloom. It was still the ¡°secret¡± Elijah. I could smell the caesar dressing of my Margo-meal from the plate in his hand. ¡°Just for reference,¡± He said. ¡°I didn¡¯t want to give this to you.¡± I immediately looked back to the much more appealing ceiling. ¡°Then don¡¯t give it to me, Hyde. I already ate today.¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I heard him set the plate down on the ground. ¡°Did you apologize to Roman?¡± Is that her full-proof plan for ¡°knowing if I didn¡¯t¡±? Sending her little pet to ask me if I did? ¡°You can pass it along for me. I don¡¯t know where he is.¡± ¡°That wouldn¡¯t really make it much of an-¡° I swung my legs quickly and sat up. ¡°-dude, if you wanna hit me or something you can, but I¡¯m not gonna listen to anything else you have to preach today. You saw what happens to preachers earlier. I¡¯m over it.¡± ¡°Right, you¡¯re over the issue that you decided to start.¡± I hardened my glare. ¡°You know¡­ who do you think would win if we fought?¡± I asked. ¡°No prep time. Spontaneous catalyst. To a total knockout.¡± He smiled slightly before shoving it down. ¡°Do you even know how to fight?¡± He said tiredly. ¡°Had you ever even been in a fight before-¡° I¡¯m not doing this. I swung my fist towards Elijah¡¯s geeky little face, stopping short as he flinched backwards instinctively. I smiled so wide my cheeks hurt. ¡°I¡¯m crazy. I¡¯d win,¡± I said. ¡°You know what other crazy person would probably beat you to a pulp?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°You¡¯re such a wimp,¡± He said. I laughed. ¡°What-EVER, dude. It¡¯s what I¡¯ve always wanted to be.¡± I laughed a little more. He shook his head like he was my father. Like he wanted to be. ¡°Carolette isn¡¯t happy with you-¡° ¡°-Elijah dude, shut¡­ just the actual fuck up. Go apologize to her for me too. You¡¯re my corporate sponsor, right? How about you go do some PR cleanup?¡± I hopped up from the table and stood in front of him. ¡°You ratfuckers are getting so goddamn boring about it. I remember when I had to be scared of an army of eldritch pipe-cleaners breaking into our outhouse sanctuary in the floor of Tartarus. Now I sit here listening to you all argue about the same things everyday of each week until you explode on Sunday and make up the next Monday before moving to the next thing. If Natalie had finished in the church, there is absolutely no way I would be the first person to get killed by a human inside these walls. How you all have not started shiving each other already is beyond me. You all just constantly suck, but in the most utterly predictable way. Do you ever feel like being a waste of a survivor is getting any more boring for you? I¡¯d like to see a timeline where this place is full of actually interesting people, instead of the ones that The Staff got too disinterested to keep chasing.¡± PTOO Elijah spit in my face. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I¡¯ll be honest, it kind of made me like him more. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡°Roman is too mature to kill you, so I wouldn¡¯t put too much hope in that plan¡­ if I were you¡­¡± I wiped my face as he turned and walked out. I smiled even wider as I didn¡¯t feel regretful for a second. I even began to chuckle and laugh to myself. For a hysteric moment, I didn¡¯t feel bad about any of the things I had said to anyone in that place. Even as it ended, I wasn¡¯t thrust into any kind of disgusting guilt just yet. I hopped up and retrieved my plate. ¡°I¡¯ve lost fork privileges, huh?¡± ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª I think the dream was purple. Well, that would make sense. It¡¯s always purple. Lavender maybe, but probably purple. Lazy. Geese and doves. In a giant whirlpool of aviation, circling. Vents filling with wings. Every screen in the one-screen-office is a neon square of purple. Young monsters. Outsourcing always ends with this. Under three weeks is all it took for this place to become a zoo of influenza. A perfect silhouette walks in. Flawless. Originally, I had thought it to be Hannah. Really though, Hannah had never attracted me quite that same way. Knowing it was the purple electrical fire that haunted me outside the dream state, I felt the incredible need to hide under the desk. Wings so melodic. Hair down to her feet. Eternal hair. No one ever comes into this office unless they need to yell at me. Yellowstone Volcano is in the southeast corner of the room going insane. Obviously Hell is awesome, but I¡¯m not sure anyone thinks that once they¡¯re in it. Unless you count Satan, but I¡¯m pretty he¡¯s not having as much fun as we think. Everything is on my desk, but only because everyone was fired last week. A pile of A4 is helping to guard my figure as she advances past the doorway. Truthfully, no one was fired, and it is completely vice versa. Me being the squatting hunchback I am, I¡¯m just still here. Yank my body under the desk. A volley of hair draped over the edge, like a lure for me to hook myself onto. So far I¡¯ve been able to keep myself away from things like that this year . Sadly, I¡¯ve truly run out of the stamina to keep starving. Just because she¡¯s hunting me doesn¡¯t mean that I¡¯m game. Everyone should get a chance to explain their motive. Killing birds is easy when you don¡¯t understand how difficult it is to keep yourself eternally airborne. You¡¯ve never flown, and maybe that makes you envious. Long hair. Like, so long that I think the whole silhouette was composed of nothing but that same beautiful hair. ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª ¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª¡ª (Continued in 3/3)