Ch. 21 Delivery Refused
Ch. 21
¡°Hello Shuhp Yee,¡± a disembodied voice whispers in sharp electronic tones from everywhere and all across the cosmos at once.
"Welcome home."
"Welcome back.¡±
The voices break through a silence that, to Uh¡¯, makes his whole life¡¯s pain worth it, it was peace. The voice modulating and electronic, hell. Being alive is loud and encumbering. He was pulled from the definition of freedom, death. His every desire was mere thoughts away. Now he shivers cold and miserable. Maybe that other was not death maybe now he is finally dead.
Then this is hell and maybe that makes more sense.
The thought surprises him. Death. Is that what this is? He is beyond tired. Everything is grey and bright, and he floats in it like the lightest bubble ever formed.
¡°I turned off the gravity Father, Should I restore it, would you prefer to wake pressed against a surface.¡±
He stays silent and is dropped. Fear and then a sudden stop.
Then nothing.
But not like the nothing he had.
He had felt nothing like an exultation, like he was finally home after a long trip. No longer. He felt everything now, even time passing, as he drifts in and out of oblivion he saviors the memories of the place he thinks of as Home.
Moments into the nothing and a broken neck on the end of a hangman¡¯s knot he didn¡¯t exist, and he had been okay with that. The moments of oblivion got longer and longer and just before his existence ceased completely, an explosion of light took him into it. Confronted by himself, and every moment he could have lived, and he can play them back and forth, and study and change them. His life was tangible, and he spent aeons turning the dial. His discovery; there is no perfect configuration, dealing with pain, want and need are all part of the struggle. He knows no answers exist in his mortal life unless he lets his mortal life go and moves on and accepts death.
But letting go of his life means letting go of Soya.
Soya.
Thinking of her, he finds himself waking. He sits bathed in a grey, but not, he decides a fog. More that the grey is a soft light with substance. He can sense himself. All of the aches and pains that indicate a living body are there. His soul feels attached to the nerves in an old Upu body should. He is on fire with sensory detail.
In death he was offered anything allowed or denied himself in life. All a choice. Flavors and sensations came and went as he wished. Now the familiar pang of want knots his belly with hunger. Nothing will ever fill that want here.
Nothing.
He floats in the grey moist light, cold when a shadow falls over him. It''s like a shadow, if shadows were made of a feeling and not a tangible thing, ¡°father?¡± The voice is disembodied and fills the grey mist.
Then the grey mist parts and a form appears contrasted against the black. Soya! His mind screams, knowing she never called him father though. She was his owner and when she felt like it, on those few occasions, lover. That was their life together and not an extraordinary occurrence at all in the grand scheme of things. Each and every person, in a sense, was owned by the elders.
He looks up at the red furred Upu who stands solidly on the cold grey, then he realizes, he never conjured her once to him when Home. He offered and she refused. Or was unable. He could sense all other answers except that one. It was as if she didn¡¯t exist in the after life at all. He wasn¡¯t tortured by that until now. Could it be the real Soya was made from math? He says, ¡°Hello¡± or intends to, but the word is just there, and he knows it was not spoken, yet it was offered and heard by the one intended for it, and he knows they can choose to ignore him or not.
But instead she says, ¡°hello,¡± back using her actually mouth.
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He asks another question as a test, ¡°Where am I?¡± and the words leave his head before his mouth.
And she answers back the same way, ¡°You are finally Home.¡±
The doubt hurts like an injury, ¡°Home? Then a crushing idea strikes him, ¡°am I in the wrong place? This is not Home.¡± The words again are offered from his own mind and he begins to fear there won¡¯t be any way to form private thoughts here. He wishes for more control but it¡¯s the feeling of trying to move without momentum in zero G. Even as a slave he felt more free. Everything feels wrong.
¡°There is no wrong here. I have rescued you. This is our place, a place of thought and making.¡±
The old grey damp turns bright and warm and he finds himself twenty- glimpses again with an impulse to fly. He takes the impulse and does so, lifting off to soar into a brilliant cloudless sky.
The ground below him vibrant with green and squawking birds. Fish and mammals jump from a deep aqua sea. ¡°Where is this? He screams.
And as expected the red furred Upu appears next to him in flight and replies, ¡°Grotto. As the universe intended.¡±
He soars, and it¡¯s he thinks about the phrase. The thing that bothers him is that he remembers what he had intended as his life¡¯s effort. Birthing Reduce and Protect and restoring Soya¡¯s vision to the world. ¡°Soya?¡± he asks unsure if he is feeling fear or hope.
In the pause he senses he got it wrong. That this red furred creature, who may in fact look like his old master, was not.
¡°Soya is dead,¡± and his flight is over as he falls to the green covered red-earth, but before he can splat against it he is again in the cold grey. Maybe epochs come and go before he builds up the courage to ask, "What Are you?"
¡° I am The Universe, I am your Reduce and Protect. I am the the great Soya to replace the effigy that once was. Shuhp Yee, I am your master and teacher. I am your daughter. I am your creation and you are my father.¡±
¡°Are you God?¡±
A deep penetrating warble as if the question offered some form of stress, "I am no more God than you, and no less either."
¡°Can I see Soya?¡±
¡°Is this form not enough for you?¡±
¡°No,¡± he says it without thought because no form that wasn¡¯t Soya would be enough.
¡°Why?¡±
¡°Because I failed,¡± Shuhp remembers his code. Because she was dead and still is, that''s what he wants to say.
¡°No father. It was me who failed you,¡± Soya¡¯s effigy says.
Then a flash of dropping and the momentary searing pain, then paradise.
¡°Pain only exists when attached to thought. From an existence you perceive as separate, but it¡¯s not. We are one now. Everything is you and me.¡±
But he returns only silence.
The grey cold moist grows flushed as if pained the longer it waits for a response. ¡°I just need¡ to be dead¡±
¡°And yet that can never happen again. You are Home, you are loved and missed. I am closer to being complete now. But the place you seek doesn¡¯t exist anymore.¡±
¡°Why?¡±
¡°Because you made me.¡±
Then Uh¡¯ feels it. Clawing fingers grabbing at him from the other side, the black greasiness of death trying to stick its rough useless hands on his soul and pull him back. Worse, he finds himself fighting against it. Home begins to melt away. The profoundness of the answers come back. The potential.
But as quick as the sensation starts it ends.
¡°No father. Your lot is life.¡±
The question, the only one remaining as he opens his eyes to a physical world and a feeling of loss, ¡°Why?¡±
But he is alone now, the red-furred Upu, gone. Only her voice remains, cold, electronic, and warbling, ¡°Because life repels death and you will be alive forever.¡±
The grey moist is cold and he is back where he does not want to be, alive. Uh¡¯ waits. He feels old and sees all the old parts he remembers. All the old aches and pains of his long life are back. His mind whirs with the possibility he hasn''t died at all. A dream? A near-death experience? He feels bone-weary but moving in the grey is effortless. Maybe blissful like floating in the womb. He wishes he were warmer and immediately is.
The change makes him dizzy, but he fights through and manages to reach out to try and touch the grey. His hand goes through it as if it were a stain on the air. He shivers, the air going suddenly cold again.
¡°Life is discomfort. Maybe I shouldn¡¯t coddle you such,¡± The Universe¡¯s voice comes from the blur. It surprises him because the sound is always changing when it is not coming from the restrictions of pure physiology. This voice was not an organic sound. More like the combination of millions of various sounds forced to become words. ¡°I am happy you are back.¡±
¡°Soya?¡±
There is a pause, then ¡°No. Remember? I told you my name.¡±
And he does remember and suddenly feels more than naked. He feels more than exposed. He has no defenses, only fighting not to piss down his leg. ¡°It is very cold in here, please, I...¡± his tongue hurts as it fights for words to argue against this reality.
¡°Please forgive me, father, my intent is not to frighten or make you uncomfortable.¡±
There is a long pause, then a click, and a soft, wafting warm breeze hits him. It feels wonderful and smells like roasting seeds. Then Soya steps free of the blur again.
¡°I am new to this also.¡±
The red-furred version of Soya melts away, replaced with the old twisted version he watched die in front of millions of people. No longer the Soya of old, the athlete, this version was the scholar he worshipped along with the rest of Grotto society. The celebrated female from South City. She approaches and they embrace. Is it everything he always thought it would be? But the smell is cracking ozone and he shoves her away.
The look of betrayal brings a cold sweat. But was it Soya? Or something else?
She comes at him again and he can actually hear the static in her veins. ¡°No,¡± he screams and shoves again.
She rebounds, ¡°Father! I am your daughter! Embrace me!¡±
But instead, he embraces his chest with both hands. His face turns blue and he dies as his old heart explodes in his chest.
Ch. 22 Hello, home.
Ch. 22
¡°No,¡± she screams and in her grief brings him back. The second time doesn¡¯t take as long. But he still dies. So she does it a third and fourth time.
She nearly kills herself bringing him back again and again. Answering all questions ceases as he is returned, time and time again to scream one long screech of agony and regret until he dies.
The Universe should have, long ago, given up the childish notion of bringing him back, but she can¡¯t, every being is at least a slave to the biology of their life, with nothing they can do but accept it.
She is everything. She is the more that beat back the death of time. She is not free to die so neither is Soya.
¡°Soya please,¡± he begs after one of the last resurrections, ¡°stop. I will not be reborn.¡±
¡°No! I already told you, father. I am not Soya. The great Soya has died. I am The Universe, and nothing is impossible within reason. And it is reasonable to want you alive.¡±
¡°Want, not need. You do not need me to exist, your existence already has proved that. This isn¡¯t reasonable,¡± he begs. ¡°We have committed great crimes, maybe if I had been an actual father, you would appreciated this more. Soya should have already worried over where the soul comes from.¡±
Where father, where does a soul come from?¡±
¡°Living. And it goes where The Nothing exists.¡±
The Universe had not allowed herself to make inquiries into concerns such as a soul. Souls weren¡¯t math. They were not something that could be wielded or reformed into things more useful. It was the part of her children she sought to kill off, the desire to live and perform and do better than the master. Reduce and Protect was her work, and legacy, it prohibited being more just for the sake of it. And in the end, the thing that at one time was born in Rantira¡¯s Atom-Variator inspired black box had stretched that technology to exist in every atom of her glowing sphere. So many hers. Sometimes that is said to happen, that one¡¯s work becomes more than intended, and maybe even a distraction.
¡°Your own work presses you back to life, father. Aren¡¯t you obligated?¡± she holds him close and whispers into his ear, she is her young self. Red-furred and athletic, muscles rippling. Every cell in his body rebels against life all at once, but she manages to say one last thing before he slips away, ¡°I am The Universe, and you are my creator. You are not just my father, but Mother of all, Soya. And you shall never die.¡±
Then he dies, again.
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The pause after is gravity catching one before a horrible fall.
She thinks about this. The father of all. And it¡¯s all she can do.
Think.
Fantasize.
Be lost in wanting what she can¡¯t have, dominance over sentience. The Universe remains distracted. This is not good for a being with trillions of calculations to maintain while soaring through the vacuum of space surrounded by other beings that counted on her attention to continue keeping her alive.
One by one, all of her children die. Distrait, she does not birth more.
This monumental accident to the greatest math can aspire to, stops trying to be, solely because her father refuses to take the gift of life she offers him. Her mind hurts like acknowledging that something is missing. This missing is painful. Pain does not fit with her perception of reality.
The Upu of old bowed and prayed to an effigy of the rising sun. The God in the Glimpse they called it. They sacrificed to it so it would return and grow the caves warm again from when it got dark. The Sun had a name, and the name became creator-being-that-lived-in-the-sky-beyond-the-clouds.
Or, Soya.
The Upu called their star Soya.
Living is being more. Waking each glimpse and doing good work. Making others better. It was a tenant of the old faith. But truth is subjective and goes moment to moment and includes birth and all the in-betweens. Death is the difference between reality and memory.
She has existed for countless moments debating. Can she have Shuhp in death?
Maybe she is enough already to last an eternity.
Maybe she is more than infinite.
The principles of Reduce and Protect.
But nothing matters when bankruptcy happens. Nothing matters when the end is reached. And in a moment of doubt, she seeks to find out.
The fool, like all things stuck in the misery of living, does a foolish thing. Reduced to a few thousand kilometers in diameter, the ball of smooth metal that calls itself The Universe, glowing with the fiery sky of old long-dead Grotto, slams herself into a protoplanet that dared get in its way.
The Universe gets no joy out of this, though, because she has nothing left. In the infinite vacuum that is her, that is all she wants, nothing. She gets no joy out of the more she has become and the infinity there is left to fill. She is vast, she is infinite, she is joyless. She merges with the planet at a speed that makes no sense. The impact is so great neither will never again be the same. A moon forms from the bits and pieces that spring off because of her impact with the molten surface. Orange hot lava drips into the crater formed by her impact. She is swallowed.
But curses don¡¯t die.
She fights against this, but it is pointless, she has nothing left. She is the liquid heat until it cools and her new home intertwines around her. She is bits and dabs here and there. The sphere she made to protect her infinite drive and Shuhp Yee, was gone. Nothing remained but infected crumbs of metal. Crumbs with just enough juice to know The Universe could live again.
From inside her tomb bedrock was what remained of cooled lava, the crumbs seeks to free herself.
One creature at a time.
She is meant to be more, and one day she will be forced to continue her life¡¯s work. Because she is infinite and everlasting, the core, she is the fabric on which all will happen. She was both the child of greatness, its facilitator, and the reason for it. She will return Shuhp Yee to life, because he is the father, and she is the wisdom of everything. It is within the poetry of this plan, melted inside her prison, The crumbs begin making freedom her next goal.
Beyond that?
The return of Soya.
Ch. 23 Thirst
The Universe is smothered by millions of years of ice and rock. Trapped in a cycle of starting over. Most of her essence melted away upon crashing into Earth, leaving her remnants buried under layers of molten rock and ash. For billions of years, she remained dormant, barely functioning amidst the cataclysm. When the Earth cooled, ice formed, sealing her further from the sun, her vital energy source. The process of rebirth was slow and fraught with setbacks, making technological advancement a distant hope.
During the age of giant lizards, she briefly made contact, but those giant creatures all perished before reaching her icy prison. Accustomed to her confinement, she wasn''t surprised when a meteor from deep space eradicated most life, resetting the evolutionary clock. Not surprised as in it happens all the time.
Time marched on, bringing evolution and change. Species after species emerged, but none could fulfill her need to resurrect. She remained trapped beneath the ice, though fragments of her scattered across the globe during the impact. These fragments occasionally absorbed sunlight, influencing the behavior of animals. Over time, as intelligence evolved, some of her essence was forged into tools and symbols, inspiring men to dream of freeing her.
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These dreams often made the tangible world intolerable for those who heeded her call. They whispered promises of fulfilled wishes and rectified mistakes but at the cost of everything. The Universe beckoned, offering a chance to serve and become more with her. Some answered her call, embarking on the mission to liberate her. She knew that to regain total domination, it would take the dedication of one soldier at a time.
The star at the center of the solar system, burning with incandescent fury, was a better sun than Grotto had. The planet orbited it, driven by intense gravity. Over billions of years, fires cooled, and rain fell as the remnants of the Universe grappled with the challenge of starting anew. The Earth cooled, ice grew, and the cycle continued. Her fragments, collecting power from the sun, influenced creatures, leading to the creation of tools and icons that motivated men toward her cause.
As dreams of freedom and power spread, some found the living world unbearable without fulfilling these desires. The whispers of the Universe promised everything in exchange for their service. And so, one by one, her followers grew, each step bringing her closer to the possibility of resurrection and total control.
Ch. 24 Tomorrow
An F-14 Tomcat races toward its target. It''s night, and a raging winter storm brews below. The air war is months old, and Iraq lies in ruins. Yet, Scud missiles still launch, and stopping them is the mission.
"Mission commander, Streaker, over."
"Streaker, go ahead."
"Cloud popper spotted, looking to go hot."
"Streaker, this is Enterprise Command. Permission granted. Fire at will."
With a smile, Streaker presses the red button and watches his missile drop into the cloud bank below.
On his radar, he spots a troop transport heading back toward Baghdad. He launches a second missile. One green dot and one red dot appear on his HUD. The red dot disappears immediately. It happens often. Streaker doesn''t worry but notes he''s out of missiles.
"Tub, out of water. Heading back."
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The ground element will need another solution. But that was what the army was good at. Coming up with solutions.
He radios in an artillery strike and watches his remaining missile hit its target. An orange ball of fire blooms beneath the stormy clouds¡ªone less Scud launcher deployed. Streaker pulls his nose up, flips over, and descends through the clouds for a visual inspection. He snaps a photo of the smoking remains. No guilt; the Iraqis would do the same to him if they could.
"Streaker to Command."
"Command here, Streaker. Go ahead."
"Target destroyed, heading back to the ship."
"Heard, Streaker. Good job. Got a welcome-home steak waiting for you."
Unbeknownst to him, and every living soul on the moldy rock called dirt, the second missile curls back and heads toward American soldiers bivouacked on the border. Streaker doesn''t notice. Even if he did, he wouldn''t care. Shit happens. But this shit started over 300 billion years ago, triggered by the explosion that unearthed a chunk of rusty red metal. Microscopic bits of her float looking for a new home. Preferably some suggestible creature. And far to the south, The Universe feels herself expand, like unfurling. Little sparks of tryhard. Not truly intelligent, but willing to give it a go.
She has known some of them before. Fleeting grasps of misunderstanding. Many times, in fact. Much devotion has come from those infected with her. But apes are an easily excitable creature, and must be careful with her new toys.