《THE COFFEE HAS YOUR SMELL》


 CHAPTER 1: I SAW YOU, AND IT FELT SO GOOD

    That morning, Alexander opened the coffee shop earlier than usual. It was only 7 a.m. when the young man about thirty changed the door sign from ?Closed¡± to ?Open.¡± Then, with a wet cloth in his hand, he stood in front of the window for a long time, looking through it at the rain that had been drumming on the wet asphalt for a very long time already. A rain that brought melancholy in the man¡¯s soul each time he looked at it, making him smile after this, even on a rainy day like that.


    The sad weather didn¡¯t make Alex sad too, not that day or any other day. On the contrary, he simply loved that weather because it meant that romance had its meaning on such dark days. At the same time, he had a lot of clients on rainy days. A big part of them was youngsters, who, running away from the outside rain, were hiding in his small coffee shop. They did that looking to warm their body in front of the big fireplace where there was always a big fire, having a cup of coffee or hot tea in front of them and an open book on their lap because Alexander had brought enough books in that shop. There were huge bookshelves actually, because Alex was aware that the young people of Ireland loved to read, titles that he took care to renew often just to make sure he¡¯d keep the readers there, crossing the threshold of his coffee shop almost every day.


    Actually, even if Alex, as almost all the clients were calling him, hadn¡¯t brought new titles into that coffee shop, the clients would have crossed its threshold anyway. The reason? Love that was felt everywhere, floating in the air in a place where the heart felt so well. How not to feel all this when a lot of couples of trysts found their place there, sitting side-by-side, sinking into the pleasant universe of romance that was also hidden through the pages of the books, just to make sure they¡¯d feel its aroma each time they turned a page. Thus, they could walk together on those wet paths described by those lines written in the book. On those beautiful alleys covered by the yellow leaves of autumn that covered the earth with the thick cloth of love, a coat that had holly colors, loved by the in-love soul of a man or woman, one who knew that his or her soul was the temple of romance, in fact.


    Alex thought that his soul was also the temple of romance. He always considered himself in love with nature and beauty. He thought he was a lover of the world, of new and old books, of the scent that was so pleasantly felt from them. And, not least, of the smell of fresh coffee, which he prepared each morning just to make sure he¡¯d fill the street with its pleasant aroma, luring into the coffee shop romantic people like him, in-love people and dreamers just as he was.


    That morning, after preparing the coffee and making sure the place was ready to receive the clients on that rainy day, the man poured himself a cup of coffee and approached the big window that was watching the east of the city. From there, he saw the small square that was almost empty at that early morning hour. Yet, this didn¡¯t bother or concern the young man because, as he loved the beauty, Alex also loved loneliness.


    It would have been strange for him not to love loneliness. It happened because everybody in the world knew that romantic people loved to spend their time alone, watching the world with the eyes of love that they always kept in their souls. With that love that they are always ready to share at least with nature if not with romantic people like them. A loneliness that they start to hate when ?They fall in love with a beautiful woman with blue eyes and blonde hair,¡± as Alex loved to joke often because he had seen enough romantic people who had forgotten about their biggest passion - loneliness and longing - when they had fallen in love with someone. Because of this, Alexander Doyle had sworn not to forget ever this because, for him, being romantic meant being alone, always alone, sharing the love from his soul only with the world, the one he didn¡¯t have direct contact with, but which he loved for the simple fact that it existed.


    Such life conviction Alex had had for almost fifteen years since he declared himself a hopeless romantic. Then, after he had seen that the girl he liked, a blonde girl with big blue eyes had preferred another boy, a very known boy in their high school, and not him, an egghead, the young man told himself that love is holly only when you keep it in your heart and not when you share it with others. Swearing himself this, Alexander told himself that he wouldn¡¯t ever fall in love again or betray romance. Yet, the heart¡­ ah, the heart betrays sometimes, especially those romantic people¡­


    Also because of his heart, Alex suddenly felt strange while watching the rain. Why he felt like this, the man didn¡¯t know. Even so, with all the strangeness in his soul, something that was familiar to him already because it was a feature of the lonely romantic, the man smiled. Alex kindly smiled, moved from inside by the huge love he kept in his heart. That love that turned him melancholic while listening to the dance of the raindrops on the wet asphalt, right in front of him, outlining the perfect shape of love, life, the outside world, and¡­ Her steps, those that seemed not to touch the wet asphalt of the small town Westport where Alexander Doyle had opened his coffee shop four years ago.


    At first, Alex only saw her black stiletto shoes that were pleasantly knocking with their high heels on the autumn asphalt. He saw them barely touching the wet asphalt, leaving a small shadow behind them, one bathed by the drops of the soul on which she was so confidently stepping on that gloomy morning of autumn. Shoes that Alex found extremely beautiful, although they were at all perfect for that cold morning, pretty cold for that time of year, one morning that was tightly held into the arms of the cold weather, which could be felt only in the heart of Ireland, in the soul of the town Westport so beloved by Alex¡¯s heart.


    Who was the owner of those black shoes, Alex didn¡¯t know. He hadn¡¯t ever seen them before passing by there. The man was sure of this because if he had seen them before, he would have remembered them. Yes, Alex would have remembered those shoes for sure because it wasn¡¯t something specific to the local women¡­ to wear high heels, especially black or stiletto ones. And, because he hadn¡¯t ever seen them before, the man seemed completely charmed by them and by that confident walk, of a cat that was heading toward them as if it had been written by fate this way - for the man to fall in love forever with the music of two shoes that were rhythmically stepping onto the asphalt of autumn.


    Understanding this, Alex smiled. He did that because he realized that once again the romantic being that lived inside him awoke, a romantic being that made himself present only on rainy days, those days when he could afford to dream while watching the outside world, and¡­ those shoes that continued their journey straight toward his soul. Yes, it was something decided already - that those shoes charmed him as another shoe charmed the prince in the story. The prince who looked for Cinderella and didn¡¯t give up until he didn¡¯t find the princess of his heart, a princess that Alex compared with that lady who confidently stepped onto the autumn soul and over its tears, a woman that had the confidence of a queen, one that wore for sure stiletto shoes.


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    Besides those shoes, the woman who stole the glance of the man in front of the big window of the coffee shop wore black large trousers, with a large waist, and a white shirt that perfectly contrasted with the black of that coat that she wore on her shoulders. Her hands were white, with long fingers, which Alex noticed when he stopped analyzing her clothes and looked at the light brown of the umbrella¡¯s handle from her hand. A huge umbrella, by the way, the color of the ripe cherries that made her black eyes seem so deep, just as her hair, the color of the ripe chestnuts, which was styled in loose curls, was falling on her back and over her chest, making her seem so beautiful. ?Like Helen of Troy,¡± Alex thought and smiled, completely charmed by her beauty, something difficult to find in those places because it was the opposite of the local women - most of them being blonde and with blue eyes.


    Watching all this, with the eyes of the romantic that lived inside him, Alex finally understood what elegance was in this world. He didn¡¯t understand what elegance generally was, but what it was the elegance of a stylish woman, one who knew what she wanted from life, who was confident in herself, and this was seen in the perfect rhythm of her steps. Alexander also saw that elegance in the woman¡¯s glance, who looked only in front and not on sides, as though nothing in this world would have also existed except her. She also seemed to be confident that the world was the kingdom of her soul, one inside of which she entered by pure chance, like that minor character that is often noticed in books¡­ ?The Watcher,¡± the one whom the writer trusts the most to notice from the shadow what the eyes of the readers or humans won¡¯t be ever able to notice - love.


    Yes, it was undoubtedly love at first sight. Alex also felt it, with all his heart, just as he was sure that Autumn had also fallen in love with the same woman. The rain had also fallen in love with the woman¡¯s perfume because it kept rounding her; the wind fell in love with her - that wind that playfully kept running its fingers through her brown hair; and the entire world had also fallen in love with that Queen of the Unknown, who passed by there by chance just to cheer up one¡¯s soul and make it wince, chasing the daily routine away, one that overwhelmed him and sunken him into darkness and numbness for so long.


    ***


    The doorbell, which suddenly rang, telling him that a visitor had entered his coffee shop, awoke Alexander from that sweet dream. Looking at the door, the man was amazed to see that Helen of Troy in his shop, a Helen who didn¡¯t smile when he fixed his glance on her, stunned to see her there when he was sure that only seconds ago she was still in the street, so pleasantly stepping onto the asphalt of autumn, giving a certain color to the world because of her beauty. She instead, a perfect Queen of Ice as many would have described her, just put her umbrella into the small support by the door, shook the drops of autumn from the brown of her hair, and, only after this, did she look at the owner of the coffee shop, asking him in a confident voice, ?Is it open?¡±


    ?Yes,¡± the man stuttered after a few moments of pleasant confusion while staring at her. Then, realizing that he probably looked pathetic just keeping his eyes on her and doing nothing, Alexander cleared his voice and went behind the counter. ?A coffee?¡± He asked.


    ?Yes, please!¡± The stranger replied, approaching the counter and giving him her credit card. Then, after Alexander gave her the bill, the woman smiled, like a stranger to another stranger whom she spotted watching her, turning her back to him eventually and approaching one of the bookshelves.


    Already in front of the bookshelf, the woman flicked her eyes across the titles of the books as though she was looking for something in particular. Alex understood this when he glanced at her, from time to time, while preparing the coffee the stranger asked for. And, still watching her, he saw her at one point taking a book in her hand, which she flipped through a little to put it back seconds after this, a hint that it didn¡¯t impress her too much to waste her time with it. After that, other three books had the same fate as the first one. Only the fifth book made the stranger attentive, who approached the big armchair that was in front of the fireplace. While walking toward the fireplace, she seemed captivated by the subject of the book, which she continued to read after she sat on that armchair eventually.


    After she had sat down on the armchair, Alex saw the young woman about thirty rhythmically turning the pages of the book, with her eyes fixed on the lines she read, and seeming that nothing and nobody was able to catch her eyes or make her leave the book aside. She seemed completely immersed in the story of the book she was reading because she didn¡¯t look at Alex when he approached her to put the coffee on the coffee table that was to her right. Yet, she wasn¡¯t too immersed in that story because, soon after this, without interrupting her reading, she took the cup in her hand and sipped from the sweet-bitter coffee that filled the shop with its pleasant aroma, as pleasant as Alex felt at that moment.


    The stranger spent the entire day in Alex¡¯s coffee shop. She spent the day reading the book she took from the bookshelf, at all bothered or interested in the other clients that entered the place, doing the same thing as she did: ordering a cup of coffee, taking a book from one of the shelves, and reading while sitting on one of the big armchairs in front of the fireplace or on those bean bags that could be seen here and there in the shop. The young woman even seemed completely out of reality at one point, sunken into the world of the novel she was reading, a book she left aside only when she got to the last page. Only then, when she closed the book, did she smile, somehow playfully, a hint that she had liked that story. Then, somehow pleasantly motivated by what she read, she stood up, put the book on the shelf again, and left the shop in the same way as she entered it: mysteriously and somehow on the run.


    Her ?run¡± was only an illusion though because, while she moved away from the coffee shop, Alex approached the window and watched her leaving. He saw her slowly but surely walking on the autumn asphalt, without the big umbrella above her head once the rain was already over, allowing the man to admire her silhouette that was perfectly outlined by the darkness of the evening. It was already five p.m. when she left that place, a perfect time to let him admire not only her confident walking but also her straight back and her hair, perfectly styled in curls that covered her back almost entirely. All this made her look mysterious and so pleasant, like a goddess whom many would have wanted by their side, but whom only so few people had the privilege to have with them or admire her from close and feel the pleasant aroma of the ripe chestnuts hidden in her hair.


    Alex had the chance to feel the aroma of her hair that day though. He had it for a short time only when he put the cup of coffee on the table next to her. A perfume that he would have liked to deeply breathe in, for a long time, something he couldn¡¯t dare do because he dared to approach her only once that day. Why exactly? Because he felt so clumsy next to her. ?Like a kid that fell in love for the first time,¡± Alex caught a thought crossing his mind. A thought he whispered eventually when he was in front of the bookshelf already, looking at the book the woman left there after she had finished reading it.

 CHAPTER 2: MELANCHOLY

    A few days had already passed since that beautiful Helen of Troy entered the coffee shop ?Aisling¡± for the first time, but Alex still couldn¡¯t forget her. He was unable to do that because of the drizzle that had fallen in the last few days, always reminding him about her. It also reminded the man about her slow footsteps that were barely touching the autumn asphalt, about the beautiful ripe chestnuts from her hair, and about her eyes - the color of the berries, in which he would have been able to lose himself forever if she had allowed him that.


    He didn¡¯t have this luck though because the one in love with Stendhal and Beauty didn¡¯t step over the threshold of his coffee shop after this. Even so, Alex felt so in love: with the world, with that jazz that was heard at that moment in his coffee shop that was almost empty at that hour, and with that cup of coffee that he was holding with both hands to feel its aroma for longer. For the rest¡­ he looked in the distance, sitting on the windowsill of that big window that faced the east of the city¡­ waiting for her to come again, to make him happy with only being in his coffee shop, reading a book, or simply sipping from a delicious cup of coffee¡­ One prepared by his hands but tasted by her lips¡­ those red lips that lured him to kiss them because he knew that they kept the magic of the time inside them and the soul of a woman too.


    ?A woman like so few others in this world,¡± Alex caught himself whispering this and then smiled. He did that, understanding that he said such words because of the melancholy that entered his soul again. That melancholy that had the form of a bird, which was seen in his glance too, clapping its wings while the horizon, like that beautiful fairy from the tales, one that wore red clothes at that moment - the clothes of November - was waving to him, smiling, and summoning him to come to her.


    And he would have gone to see her. Yes, he would have undoubtedly gone in the arms of autumn if his heart had let him do that. Yet, his heart, tightly held in the arms of the longing from his soul, didn¡¯t let him go but kept whispering to him, ?Stay here, for a little longer. Stay right here, for a few more moments because¡­ she is coming today. Or maybe tomorrow?! Who knows?! Yet, if you stay here, she comes for sure because she has to come once the heart of the lonely romantic that lives inside you has started beating only for her.¡±


    Yet, she didn¡¯t come. That beautiful lady, the owner of those black stiletto shoes, didn¡¯t come, and this turned him sad, subdued to melancholy, and to the spell of autumn that was so pleasantly spinning the red leaves in the air. Autumn that simply played with those leaves, making them dance with the wind the tango of time, a dance that lasted only until those leaves touched the earth, in the arms of which they were left to spend eternity. ?Just as I would have liked to spend my life only in her arms.¡±


    Who took him in its arms eventually had been dreaming. He kept smiling because of it and of that pleasant feeling in his heart, something he had dreamt of for his entire life. It was something he had found only in books, something he spotted only in the glances of the characters that took a shape in his head after many lines and pages read by him, and in the romantic music that he often used to listen to. A music he loved to listen to on rainy days and even on those when the sun was smiling from above, raised on that blue clear sky¡­ as clear as the soul of an in-love woman who sees only love in front of her and runs only to hold it in her arms again.


    Alex also dreamt about a reunion. He dreamt about her and, of course, also about love. Yet, that reunion was a little late, just as it was that woman, whom he had seen only once but with whom he seemed to be in love. Why did he only seem to be in love? Because he wasn¡¯t sure if the feeling in his chest was real or if he had simply imagined it because he missed it so much. Yes, Alex missed falling in love, to love, and being loved, even if he also feared that love that had hurt him once, turning him into that lonely hopeless romantic he was at that moment. A hopeless romantic who kept sitting on the windowsill of that big window that faced the east, looking at the autumn only with the eyes of love from his soul.


    It was so beautiful¡­ that autumn. It was gorgeous, painted in different shades of dark and red, like that novel she had read many days ago, but which was still present in Alex¡¯s soul. She was also next to him at that moment. She was also sitting on the windowsill. Not right next to him but in front of him, reading a book and smiling. Yet¡­ Oh, God, that beautiful Helen of Troy wasn¡¯t smiling at him, not even in his dreams.


    Yet, she was smiling. This was so important to Alex at that moment: that she was there, by his side at least like a product of melancholy and longing, like a famous mural of the dreaming from his soul. She was there, right in front of him, making him so happy with her presence, filling him to the brim with that pleasant scent of ripe chestnuts that was felt from her hair. ?So long and so beautiful as only a fairy from the tales can have her hair. A treasure through which I would have run my fingers in those eternal autumn evenings, both sitting on a big bear fur in front of the fireplace¡­ we along with love.¡± Then, he smiled because such thoughts filled and warmed him inside, making him feel so in love.


    Yes, Alexander Doyle was in love at that moment. He fell for her and for that concept of the perfect love that he had sketched in his mind and soul. It was a kind of prototype that he had often sketched in his mind, on those evenings when he was alone in the coffee shop or his apartment, looking at the fire, with a glass of red wine in his hand, and listening to the romantic music of the guitar. A prototype that he would have liked to be real but¡­ Oh, God, he felt so difficult to believe again in the perfect love of the woman.


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    He could dream about her though. He could dream about love and happiness. He could imagine her with him and that he was really happy. Yet¡­ was he so happy at that moment? Did he feel all this or he was only imagining this? Not even Alex knew that, but he thought it was so. He had really thought that he was in love with beauty and nature, with the music of the time, and with her footsteps, those footsteps he kept hearing so pleasantly knocking on the autumn¡¯s asphalt¡­


    All this made him smile again because ?No matter what I do, I keep thinking about her. I¡¯m lost in my own ideas if I compare the autumn¡¯s footsteps with her steps.¡± Even so, he felt so good because of that thought. A thought he was so stubborn not to get rid of ever. Why? For the simple reason that the autumn has its own perfume¡­ the scent of that ?Lady of Mystery¡± as Alex named her at one point, in his head only, because only a Woman surrounded by mystery can make the hopeless romantic lose his head so much that he felt unable to forget her smile, not even on those long rainy days¡­ with drops touching his soul and also his skin¡­


    Nevertheless, that thought of oblivion was impossible. Why exactly? Because autumn was just like that: it made people dream when they least expect this because there is nothing they can do on those rainy days. Well, there was something to do though: like staying in front of the window and looking at the dance of the raindrops on the time¡¯s coat. People could also sip from a cup of coffee, spying on that game of fall with the tears of the sky, tears of happiness and not sadness, even if autumn seems so gloomy. Well, it can¡¯t be different once she strips the nature of its luxury coat¡­ leaving it so sad and lonely.


    ?Just as I feel sometimes when I¡¯m lonely,¡± Alex caught another thought crossing his mind. ?Still, loneliness has its charm though. It has it because it gives you the chance to be only with you and approach that shy kid again, that kid who waits at the gate of your soul to see him again, approach him one more time, and, taking his hand, whisper to him, ?Let¡¯s go! It¡¯s time to play and be together!¡± Then, tightly holding the hand of that dreaming child that lives inside you, to run together on that wet asphalt, playing with the raindrops, with the leaves that fall from above, slowly rolling to the earth¡­ Like those dreams that fall inside your soul, covering it with a thick warm coat and preparing it for winter¡­ a damn cold one if she doesn¡¯t pass by here again.¡±


    This new thought turned the man sad again because the melancholy is like this: now you feel a dreamer, and then you fall into a bottomless chasm, feeling yourself unable to get out of there someday. Even his eyes felt wet after this thought¡­ The same happened to the eyes of his soul while he still held the cup of coffee with both hands and deeply breathing in the scent of coffee that filled him to the brim with its aroma. ?Something that spurs me so much to dream again,¡± Alex thought, sadly smiling after that because he couldn¡¯t smile differently with all those weird feelings that kept dancing in his soul.


    Feeling this, Alexander stuck his back against the wall that was next to the window, closed his eyes, and let the madness of time subdue him again. He allowed the madness of that beautiful autumn to control him, an autumn felt in his soul and not outside, even if those two autumns seemed not to be so different. Yet, it was a simple illusion because they were different because of a simple detail: the autumn from the man¡¯s soul has its own aroma¡­ It has the scent of ripe chestnuts that he felt in that stranger¡¯s hair while they, like two children let free on the streets, were running barefoot on the wet asphalt, stepping over those fallen leaves that covered the earth with a reddish carpet. Then, feeling so deeply that pleasant thrill that entered their soul when their barefoot feet touched those leaves bathed by the tears of the time, those children burst into laughter, still holding hands and running far in the distance¡­ toward a new horizon, toward a new beginning, toward the future, and maybe to meet another love in their way¡­


    ***


    It was already dusk when Alex finally left the windowsill and went to prepare fresh coffee for the clients who started to cross the threshold of his coffee shop more often that evening. Clients that seemed to feel just like him: the melancholy of autumn and its scent. Thus, feeling so deeply that pleasant feeling, they looked for a shelter there - in the coffee shop of that hopeless romantic, where they knew they would feel so good that evening, losing themselves for a while among a book¡¯s pages.


    Yet, abandoning that place at the window, Alex lost the chance to see Her again. He didn¡¯t see her showing up on the horizon of that autumn, just as it happened that first day. She was slowly but surely walking again on the wet asphalt, this time wearing not stiletto shoes but high-heeled boots. Even so, she was as beautiful as he had seen her that day, as though she also felt the same melancholy that entered the man¡¯s soul that day and decided to make him happy by appearing in front of him and looking so good¡­ undoubtedly dressed in the autumn¡¯s coat.


    That Helen of Troy was so beautiful that night. She wore high-heeled black boots, which she combined with a long dress, the color of the red leaves of autumn. On her shoulders, she wore a coat, darker than the dress¡­ two or three shades darker actually. Around her neck, a white scarf was seen, which was perfectly combined with the brown of her hair, which seemed almost black because of the weak light of the evening.


    Unlike that first day when Alex had seen her, this Helen was smiling. She smiled somehow romantically, as though she would have borrowed the melancholy from the man¡¯s soul and stolen something from the perfection of the autumn. Actually, she had a reason to smile because, even if that evening at the beginning of November was cold, it was still pleasant and perfect for a walk.


    Where was she going? It wasn¡¯t that sure. She only knew that she didn¡¯t intend to read a book that night because she passed by the coffee shop when she got in front of it. She didn¡¯t even look at the big window from where two eyes¡­ the eyes of the romantic being that lived inside Alexander¡­ had watched the distance for days, waiting for her to come again and see her¡­

 CHAPTER 3: PASSING BY

    When Alex saw her again, he was passing on the street ?James¡± that night. He was heading at that moment toward one of the famous pubs in the town, ?The Danny¡¯s,¡± intending to play some pool with his friends. He wasn¡¯t alone but with a fellow, Mark Flynn, who had been the person who insisted that Alex should close his coffee shop that evening and spend it with his friends.


    Alex hadn¡¯t been that eager to go out that night because the melancholy he had felt in the last few days left him kind of powerless. Yet, he couldn¡¯t say no to Mark when this one had told him that he wouldn¡¯t accept a no as an answer to his invitation. That¡¯s why, seeing that his friend insisted, Alex was forced to give up and close the coffee shop for an evening, thinking that it was Friday and the youngsters used to spend such an evening with their friends in a pub or club, and not reading a book.


    He wasn¡¯t that wrong in thinking so because, on Fridays, he had only a few clients. Only one or two of his regular clients passed by that place on Friday evening, but not even they came every Friday. That¡¯s why Alexander told himself that maybe it would have helped him feel better if leaving his place and spent some time with his friends, forgetting about her at least for a short time.


    What Alexander didn¡¯t want to accept, at least not openly, was that leaving his apartment he started to think that maybe he would see her again if passing by a place. That¡¯s why, walking on the streets, because he insisted on walking until ?The Danny¡¯s,¡± Alex kept looking around, thinking that maybe he¡¯d see her. Yet, he hadn¡¯t been that lucky though, and this made him so unhappy. At one point, he even wanted to turn back home but didn¡¯t do that because he felt bad about Mark, whom he couldn¡¯t explain eventually his sudden desire to return home. At the same time, the man was afraid of not being considered a kind of spoiled kid, a big one actually, who turned back home just because he didn¡¯t get that candy he wanted that night.


    Nevertheless, while they crossed the street ?James,¡± better to say when they passed by the restaurant ?The Helm,¡± Alex¡¯s heart suddenly pounced in his chest. This happened because he finally spotted a familiar silhouette at one of the tables, which was next to the window. Looking over there, the man smiled because¡­ yes, she was there, the one he had dreamt about in the last few days was there¡­ that woman he had waited for crossing the threshold of his coffee shop again but who didn¡¯t come and made him wait in vain for her¡­ was there.


    Soon after this, Alex¡¯s smile vanished when he saw a man sitting at the same table as his Helen of Troy. ?A friend,¡± he thought when he saw her standing up and greeting that man with a large smile on her face. Yet, when that man kissed her lips, and she didn¡¯t try to avoid it, poor Alex felt that the whole world collapsed over his shoulders. This happened because he finally understood what he intentionally tried to ignore all those days - she didn¡¯t come to his coffee shop again because she had someone she cared about already.


    Understanding this, Alex sighed. He felt weird looking at that ?Worthy Rival¡± as he called that man, in his head, because the companion of that Helen of Troy really looked good. That man wasn¡¯t only handsome but seemed to be someone she cared about, and the most important thing was that the rival was someone she wanted with her because, soon after this, Alex saw her leaning over the table and, grabbing that man¡¯s hand, she told him something and smiled.


    Her companion didn¡¯t smile though, and Alexander clearly saw this because he kept looking at them through the window. Alex knew that it wasn¡¯t fair to do that, spying on them, but he couldn¡¯t avoid this. Even so, he told himself that it wouldn¡¯t be something wrong if they had seen him there, looking at them, because they might think that he was there and looking at the restaurant because he was thinking about entering that place or not.


    Eventually, when Mark touched his shoulder and then asked him, ?Something happened, Alex?¡± he only shook his head and forced a smile. After that, although he would have liked to stay there for a little bit longer, Alexander pointed with his head in front, letting his friend know that it was time to move on. Yet, leaving the restaurant behind, Alexander glanced over there again, seeing his beautiful Helen withdrawing her hand from the hand of her ?lover,¡± as Alex thought. Alex even thought that her glance suddenly turned sad, although, before that, he had the feeling that her eyes were shining because of happiness and because that man came there and greeted her with a kiss.


    ?Yet, that man doesn¡¯t seem to be in love with her,¡± Alexander caught himself whispering at one point. Not only did he listen to that whisper but also Mark, who winced. Then, he stared at Alexander, confused, as though he didn¡¯t understand what that one said.


    ?What are you talking about this time?¡± Flynn murmured eventually, insistently looking at his friend.


    Alexander dumbly smiled this time, understanding that his secret was about to be discovered. Then, not to give himself away, he said, ?Just thoughts. Don¡¯t take it too seriously. Anyway, it wasn¡¯t about you.¡±


    ?Then? Was it about those two at whom you looked through the window?¡±


    Doyle winced. It meant that his dear friend also noticed those two in-love people who were sitting at the table next to the big window of the restaurant ?The Helm.¡± Yes, Mark undoubtedly also noticed them. Even so, he said nothing, letting Alexander think that he wasn¡¯t attentive to what was going on. Yet, Flynn had been pretty attentive because he was a good observer of everything that happened around him. Especially, he used to notice things about his friends. That¡¯s why, seeing that Alexander kept silent and only looked at him, confused, Mark smiled.


    ?You know, there¡¯s nothing strange about being caught spying on someone¡¯s love,¡± he told Alex eventually, smiling. ?Thus, you can get to be envious of love.¡±


    Alexander frowned. ?What makes you think that I am envious of them and I haven¡¯t seen them by chance while looking at the restaurant?¡±


    ?Because this isn¡¯t something you generally do,¡± Mark responded, smiling. ?At the same time, you aren¡¯t that kind of person who spends some time in front of the restaurants. Yet, I can¡¯t say the same if a certain smell of love is felt from there. It¡¯s when the hopeless romantic inside you awakes, even if it¡¯s just a coincidence. Like¡­ simply passing by a place.¡±


    Alex winced. ?Passing by? What do you mean? Love?¡±


    ?Not only. I mean your feelings in concrete, my friend, because¡­ you are weird sometimes. So weird.¡±


    ?I don¡¯t see anything strange in being scatterbrained sometimes,¡± said Alex drily, forcing a smile, even though he didn¡¯t want to smile at that moment. ?Yet, I have to accept that you are also right: I use to fall prey to dreaming sometimes, in unexpected places.¡±


    ?You at least accept that I don¡¯t have visions when I talk like that about you, and this is already a good sign,¡± his friend teased him in a playful voice. ?Just as I have to accept that she¡¯s undoubtedly a beautiful woman.¡±


    Doyle winced again, hearing his friend talking like that about Her. ?Do you think so? I mean¡­ does she also seem pretty to you?¡±


    ?You don¡¯t?¡± Flynn answered with another question. ?I wouldn¡¯t be that sure, and do you know why? Because your eyes are the mirror of your soul, Doyle. Your eyes have always betrayed you. Just as my tongue betrays me sometimes when I talk too much and tell others about my plans and thoughts.¡±


    That was right. Mark Flynn was undoubtedly a talkative person. He could talk for hours on a trivial topic, touching each of its meanings until nothing was left to be discussed about this. Mark was actually the opposite of Alex, who was quiet most of the time, a deliberate man, who loved to listen more than deep into a certain subject. Even so, his silence couldn¡¯t be considered ignoring someone because, only when it was necessary, he said something, letting his interlocutor know that he was there and that their talk wasn¡¯t a simple monologue.


    Even if Alex hadn¡¯t said anything, Mark wouldn¡¯t have accused his friend of ignoring him. The reason? Mark knew Alex very well. They had been friends since childhood, went to the same school, and fell in love with the same girl in high school, and their families had always been friends. Actually, that beautiful young girl with blue eyes, of whom Alex had fallen in love once, had preferred Flynn then, who wasn¡¯t known only as being talkative but also popular among women, having a lot of girlfriends at that time. Even so, nobody could accuse Mark of being a lover boy because even if he had many girlfriends, he hadn¡¯t ever abandoned any of them, but they had always abandoned him.


    Honestly, Mark Flynn was a great man. He was cheerful and didn¡¯t only trust people but also others always trusted him. Especially his friends could count on Flynn when they needed that because, besides being a good watcher, Flynn was also a good strategist, who always managed to get rid of problems without suffering too much. Mark even helped others when they¡¯d been in problems, a fact that made others consider him a kind of Guardian Angel.


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    Flynn had been a Guardian Angel for Alexander Doyle too. He fulfilled this role since they had met because Mark, who was considered the Light in that friendship, did everything to always be around the Shadow. ?A warm one,¡± as he often used to joke about this because he¡¯d always been happy and safe around Alex. Doyle felt the same about Mark because, besides the short rivalry they had had in high school, which Mark found out about only after he had broken up with that girl with blue eyes, they hadn¡¯t ever argued about anything or said bad words about the other one. They did that even if they felt that sometimes¡­ a kind of good envy for each other. It had been a constructive envy, in fact, one that just made their friendship stronger, bringing them closer to each other as they hadn¡¯t ever been before.


    ***


    ?The Danny¡¯s¡± was pretty crowded that evening, and Alex noticed that right after entering the pub. A crowd he disliked because he liked peace and loneliness more than that deafening noise that was heard all over. Even so, even if he had liked to rotate on his heels and return home to read a book, Alex didn¡¯t have any other choice than to make room through the other clients to get to the table where his friends were already sitting. Actually, he couldn¡¯t leave because of Mark, who seemed to have read his thoughts, and, not to let him escape that place, grabbed Alex¡¯s arm and forced him to step in front of him.


    Heading toward the table, Alexander carefully looked around. He saw unknown faces among those gathered around the pool tables and in front of the dart discs, just as he saw the familiar faces of those he had seen before. Yet, none of those faces was someone close to him because Doyle used to spend his time alone, even if nobody could say that he isolated himself from the rest of the world or that he was a vampire that ran away from the solar light and people.


    On the contrary, Alexander Doyle was a pleasant man, as it was good for the owner of a coffee shop to be. He also had a developed sense of humor when he felt that his clients needed that, something that made them always feel good and return to the coffee shop. All this helped Alex to have a lot of friends and acquaintances in town, people who smiled at him each time they saw him in the street or shook his hand when they met him in a private group. Even so, Alex liked to keep out with the majority of them, preferring not to be involved in the relationships he had with other people. He did that, trying to avoid being caught in certain weird stories or wasting his time with them, a time he preferred to dedicate to the books and his coffee shop in particular.


    Many people started considering him weird because of this. Why exactly? They thought that it was weird for a man like Alexander, who was handsome and wealthy, to keep out with people and not build relationships. At the same time, many people also considered it weird the fact that Doyle didn¡¯t try to open more coffee shops in town or all around the country, although his place was pretty popular in Westport. If he had done this, he would have undoubtedly become a successful executive because he had both the charm and the support he needed, once his family dealt with the manufacturing of textiles. Even so, Alex preferred to be the owner of a simple coffee shop and not one of the most important personalities in the town and even in the whole world.


    What was strange for others wasn¡¯t for Alexander. He knew very well the reason for that soul pleasure - to be alone with the books and spend time in his coffee shop. His family also knew about this and supported him, although his old father, who would have preferred Alexander to rule the company in his place once he had retired, had been against that idea at first. Yet, listening to his son¡¯s reasons to spend his days like that, who told him that he felt better this way and not suffocated as he felt each time he was in a crowded place, old Doyle, who loved his children more than his life, had decided to respect his son¡¯s will and allowed him to do whatever he wanted. Nevertheless, old Doyle allowed Alex to do that only after he had promised his father that if it had been absolutely necessary for him to be involved in the family business, he would undoubtedly do that. A promise that Alex intended to respect at any cost because, as his family loved him, Alex loved his parents and sister the same or more. Yet, for the moment, seeing that his older sister was doing great ruling the family business, he decided to stay away from it and, only from time to time, he was giving her a piece of good advice or was involved in a minor project when Erin asked him to do that.


    Honestly, Erin was the most concerned about her younger brother and the fact that he preferred the loneliness when she would have wanted to see him in love, and, why not, married and having his own family. Erin wanted this so much: to see her brother happy, whom she knew was sensitive, just as she knew that people were mean and that they could hurt someone if that one was different from them. Because of this, Erin often asked Mark to make Alex get out, at least from time to time to see the world, just to make sure he wouldn¡¯t be considered a weirdo or savage when it would have been necessary to see other people. And, once Mark Flynn had a certain sympathy for Erin, whom he considered the lady of his soul, he did everything to force Doyle to leave his snail shell, at least for a short time, inviting him to have dinner or play pool or dart as it happened that night.


    Each time Mark was taking Alexander out, he also invited other friends with them. He did that because he thought it would be funnier this way and that Alexander could make the relationship he had with them stronger. Sometimes, their friends brought more friends, many of them unknown people to Doyle but with whom he often had something in common or could have a long and interesting talk. At such a reunion, Doyle met Lucas Murphy, who also considered himself a hopeless romantic, just as Alex did, just as he introduced himself as a soul poet, whose poems still didn¡¯t reach people¡¯s ears because ?People stopped appreciating the worthy art because they focused on minor and unimportant things more,¡± as Murphy considered.


    Murphy was there that night too. Alex saw him right after entering the pub. He was staying a little bit further from the rest of his friends, staring at his phone, as he usually did. What interesting Lucas found on his phone, that night or generally, Alex hadn¡¯t ever found out. Even so, he didn¡¯t bother too much about this because he understood very well that all of them were humans and each of them had his own weird habits. Especially, he knew that the poets were strange, who often thought that the whole world was against them, something that made them suffer because ?Only a poet that truly suffers can write a masterpiece.¡± At least this was what Murphy often said, even if he wasn¡¯t also sure that what he said was really so.


    When he remembered Lucas Murphy¡¯s words, Alex smiled. He didn¡¯t understand very well why he smiled but he still did that. Then, after they approached the table and greeted their friends, Alex approached Lucas, next to whom he sat down eventually. Alex didn¡¯t say anything, for a very long time, allowing that one to leave his ?inner suffering¡± away and see other people around him. Something that happened eventually because Murphy put his phone on the table at one point, sadly whispering, ?Still, this world is so unfair to us, the men!¡±


    Alex looked at him, confused. ?Unfair? What makes you think this?¡±


    ?Love,¡± the poet whispered again, sighing, something that made Doyle stare at him, even more confused than before. Spotting his friend¡¯s glance focused on him, Lucas closed his eyes for a few moments, taking his usual aura of a mysterious poet, whispering in the end, ?I mean the love of the world for us, the men. Love we receive fewer and fewer recently, or maybe at all.¡±


    ?Do you talk about someone in particular?¡± One of their friends, Logan Farrell, joined their talk. This guy was known in their circle of friends as the ?Busybody,¡± and this happened because he loved to poke his nose in other¡¯s business, especially if he eavesdropped on a subject that seemed interesting to him. Something he did that night too when he heard the ?suffering poet¡± talking about the injustice the world did to men, something that told him that Lucas¡¯s story was definitely about his love for someone.


    Logan was right in thinking this about Lucas because, soon after this, they heard Murphy sighing and saying, ?You are actually right, Farrell: I talk about the love that has the face of a woman, the one who ignores us always¡­ us, the men, especially if we are poets.¡±


    The poet¡¯s remark made his friends burst into laughter because they found it strange to hear such words from Murphy¡¯s mouth. Not that they haven¡¯t ever heard strange things from him. Yet, before that, he had always idolized the woman when that night he¡¯d been about to call her selfish and that she ignored men because they were poets. A stupid thing in his friends¡¯opionion, who were confident in themselves and knew that they could have any woman they wanted.


    The only one who didn¡¯t smile because of Murphy¡¯s words had been Alexander. He didn¡¯t smile because he understood that maybe it was difficult for Lucas at that moment, just as he understood that if the poet said something like that, it was because he¡¯d been again refused by a lady or Mrs. whom he fell in love with, and this with ?falling in love with someone¡± was something specific to Murphy, or that his ?muse¡± vanished somewhere, making poor Lucas suffer alone.


    Even if he understood this, Alex didn¡¯t try to find out what exactly happened to Murphy. He was sure that when Lucas would be ready to talk about his ?pain,¡± he¡¯d undoubtedly do that because Lucas Murphy has always been like that: if he felt that he wasn¡¯t able to suffer alone, he was telling everybody about his pain, just to make sure that at least his friends would pity him. What Alexander told his friend that evening after their friends left them alone and focused on the game of pool, which they found more interesting than Murphy¡¯s story, was, ?You know, Lucas: sometimes it¡¯s better to be like that - the woman to be only a muse and nothing real. Thus, we have better chances to dream about her and not feel disappointed because of her, in case our plans won¡¯t come true.¡±


    ?Are you talking like that because of something you have experienced?¡±


    ?I¡¯m just¡­ saying what crosses my mind,¡± Alex said, clumsily smiling.


    ?It doesn¡¯t seem like that to me,¡± insisted Murphy, fixing his glance on Alex. ?Do you know why? Because, if you say something like that, it means your eyes have seen something truly beautiful.¡±


    Yes¡­ maybe Murphy was a weirdo and everything others wanted, but he often said true things. At the same time, he was the only one of Alex¡¯s friends who could understand for real what happened in the in-love soul of the romantic Alexander Doyle. Yet, even if Lucas guessed what exactly happened in Doyle¡¯s soul at that moment, Alexander decided not to talk to him about this. Alex did that because he preferred to keep for himself only the secret about his platonic love for that Helen of Troy, a woman he kept dreaming of in those last few days since he met her. A woman he had waited to cross the threshold of his coffee shop for at least one more time, but who broke his heart that evening when she kissed that ?Worthy Rival¡± and not him.

 CHAPTER 4: HER EYES… THAT LOOK IN THE DISTANCE

    The red leaves of autumn were so pleasantly dancing in front of Alex at that moment, falling from above and rolling in slow circles down to his feet. A beautiful dance that brought the melancholy back to the man¡¯s soul, reflecting it into his glance too after a few moments because it felt so good looking at the autumn¡¯s soul dancing in the arms of dreaming and in the rhythm of the music of time. At the same time, it was pleasant to look at that red carpet too, a carpet that had different shades of reddish, on which the soles of the white sneakers, which the man wore at that moment, were carefully stepping as though they would have been afraid to deform the carpet¡¯s shape and chasing the divine pleasure away from him¡­ That pleasure at which the eyes of melancholy watched at that moment.


    As though he was imitating autumn, Alex wore a coat of light brown on his shoulders. Under the coat, he wore a pullover of the same color, which he combined with a pair of blue jeans whose color reminded others of the clear sky on a sunny day. Only his white sneakers seemed the perfect personification of purity and innocence¡­ of something that was about to come when that red carpet of autumn would have been pale or gone, and the cold of winter would have ruled over the kingdom of those places.


    And, as if he¡¯d been so eager to embrace winter as soon as possible, Alex wore white headphones too, which he used to listen to the sweet melody of the piano keys¡­ those keys that were undoubtedly touched by Her fingers. Yes, his Helen of Troy was playing the piano at that moment, allowing the man to listen to the happiness hidden in those piano keys and in the melancholy that ruled in his soul. And, while listening to that music, Alex saw her with the eyes of his mind¡­ she was wearing a black dress as he¡¯d seen her that night at ?The Helm.¡± She was slowly bent over the piano keys, which she gently touched while playing, having her eyes closed, and completely charmed by the same melody played by her fingers. Her lips, which had stolen the red of the ripe cherries, were luring the man¡¯s heart to kiss him, making him want more and more. He especially felt all this after that night when he saw her accompanied by another man, by that ?Worthy Rival¡± as Alex kept calling that man in his head, a name he always heard buzzing in his ears too, especially in the last few days.


    What charmed him more than the perfect image of her playing the piano were her perfect curls, in which she had hidden the shade of the ripe chestnuts. In that hair, was also hidden the scent of love and melancholy because Alex missed touching it so much and having it close for an entire life¡­ over his arm while the owner of those beautiful chestnut curls slept next to him. Yet¡­ ?She belongs to someone else. She¡¯s his and not mine, even if I had given everything for her to be mine and only mine. Yes, I¡¯d have given everything for her to never be with someone else, especially not the woman of that man who doesn¡¯t smile at her, although her eyes shine with happiness.¡±


    Suddenly he felt jealousy sneaking into his soul, something that made him frown. He was right in being jealous because even if he showed up in her life after that ?Worthy Rival,¡± Alexander Doyle still wanted her only for him. ?I can¡¯t feel different when her eyes beg for love from the world¡­ that love that she seems not to have with him while I¡¯ll give her my heart if I have this chance. Yet, such a chance, I won¡¯t ever have, it seems to me.¡±


    Such thoughts eventually made him sad. This made him bow his head and hunch his shoulders, although he proudly walked by then. Walking like that, he still kept his hands in his pockets, as if hiding them from the entire world. And his eyes, the color of the tormented sea at that moment, carefully looked at the autumn leaves, which he compared with his hurt soul, with that soul stained with the red blood that was slowly flowing through his veins¡­ in the rhythm of longing from his heart and of love. Alex felt all this after he¡¯d seen Her again, the one whom his eyes were still seeing in front of him, playing the piano. Yet, his heart saw Her differently¡­ sleeping next to him and only next to him for his entire life.


    Suddenly his heart, thirsty for love and feelings, winced when the eyes of the tormented sea saw the silhouette of someone he knew in front of him. She was there. Yes, she was sitting on one of the wooden benches in the park, reading a book. He recognized her because of her chestnut curls, from where the man felt love embracing him.


    Seeing her there, Alex stopped. Even his heart started to beat weirdly in his chest, somehow with fear. ?But¡­ why?¡± The man¡¯s mind wondered after a few moments. ?Why am I afraid when I¡¯ve wanted this for so long? To see her¡­ alone and not with him, to have the chance to admire her in silence, even if from far away because it¡¯s the only way I still can dream about a life together.¡±


    Yet, nobody was there to answer such weird questions. The man¡¯s heart was too busy to strangely beat in his chest while his soul, eager to embrace love, longed for her and for that pleasant touch of her fingers because ?I would have given everything to be the piano keys that she¡¯s touching in my soul at this moment, playing the melody of her soul and the music of her heart.¡±


    Such a strange comparison of himself with the cold piano keys made Alex smile. He felt damn strange after this, as though he returned to his teenage years when he had fallen in love for the first time. Yet¡­ that love was so pleasant that he didn¡¯t want to give up on it no matter what. He didn¡¯t want that for sure because it was exactly what he had been dreaming of his entire life: to feel love dancing like the foaming sea waves in his heart, waves that took form in his blue eyes at first, those eyes that innocently looked at the woman he loved but who was still of someone else.


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    ?For the moment,¡± said the stubbornness that suddenly awoke in Alex¡¯s brain. ?For the moment, she¡¯s his. Yet, I might have a chance to make her mine after this. And, even if I don¡¯t have such a chance, to deeply feel the scent of ripe chestnuts for an entire life by my side, I¡¯ll still have the chance to dream about her even from far away.¡±


    With such thoughts in his head, Alexander took a few steps in front, sitting down on a bench, not that far from her. He shyly sat on that bench, somehow afraid while wondering, ?If she sees me and smiles, what to tell her then?¡± Yet, it was an unnecessary fear because She seemed not to see him because she was too focused on reading the love story of the novel she was reading at that moment, a novel with a green cover, a thick one, strong, as a good book should have its cover to last in time.


    What kind of novel his Helen of Troy read at that moment, Alex didn¡¯t see. Yet, he found that novel interesting, and this was so because she read it. And, for a few moments, he would have liked to hear her loudly reading those lines her eyes were reading. Thus, she would have given him the chance to hear the pleasant melody of her voice one more time. Yet, she silently read those lines and not loudly. This made her seem completely immersed in the universe of that novel, part of a world where she was probably the main character of the story, the main character of that love story, which the author wrote with his soul and with passion¡­ in a story of love as the one her heart seemed to long for too. At least this was what Alex thought about her at that moment.


    Alex¡¯s heart also seemed to long for such a love. His heart longed to be seen by two black eyes like those savage berries and those two lips, the color of ripe cherries, to smile at him when she¡¯d have seen him. Yet, she seemed not to see anyone there, and this made Alex feel so lonely.


    Alexander Doyle felt that he was a shadow at that moment, although he hadn¡¯t ever felt like this before. Yes, he had almost always been lonely, but he hadn¡¯t ever felt loneliness so vivid in his heart, at least not as he felt it at that moment. Why did he feel all this? It was undoubtedly because of her, the one who seemed to ignore him consciously, although Alexander was sure that it wasn¡¯t anything like that. His mind told him this, that mind that still logically thought at that moment, although his heart kept strangely beating in his chest because of that loneliness.


    ?She seems to feel the same,¡± the man suddenly whispered when he saw her closing the book and looking in front. Alex even felt that she sighed, and he felt this seeing that her chest moved up and down so as someone¡¯s chest generally moves when he sighs. ?A sigh I¡¯d have liked to be because of me, because of the melancholy and love, and not because of the sadness from her soul.¡±


    Realizing that She seemed absent, Alex turned sad. She seemed completely immersed in those thoughts that darkened her glance while her white hands, whose long fingers had touched the piano keys in Alex¡¯s soul before, were resting one on top of the other as if they were waiting for some other two warm hands to touch them. Thus, they would have stopped feeling lonely. Yet, her hands hadn¡¯t been touched by other hands eventually but kept resting on the green cover of that book without a title in Alex¡¯s head. Yes, it was an unknown novel for Alex, whose eyes didn¡¯t see what kind of book had turned his Helen of Troy sad. He was also sad, but this happened because her eyes didn¡¯t see him, although he dreamt of this. She also didn¡¯t smile at him but just kept looking in the distance and not at him¡­


    ***


    When he returned to the bench on which he had stood before, Alex didn¡¯t see Her in the same place where he¡¯d left her, and this made him frown. He felt his heart strangely pouncing in his chest and that he was lonely again. The man even felt that the cold had taken him into its arms, although that afternoon was a pretty warm one. Yet, Alex still deeply felt that cold¡­ the one born from despair and sadness. He felt it despite the warmth felt from those cups of coffee he went to buy, and he went to buy them when he realized that it was the only way he could talk to her. Yes, it was exactly what Alexander wished to do on that beautiful day of November: to talk to her at sunset, to ask her about the book and what she thought about love, just as a hopeless romantic would have done at sunset¡­ the perfect time for romance, for reunion, and for dreaming. Yet¡­ she wasn¡¯t there, and this broke his heart again, even if it was for a short time only.


    Instead of her, on that bench on which she had stood before, Alex found that book with a green cover. ?A pair of blue eyes,¡± by Thomas Hardy,¡± he read when he approached the bench and saw the book. ?A pair of blue eyes, just like mine.¡± Yet, this thought was a lie, and Alex also knew that. She couldn¡¯t have read that book because of him. She undoubtedly read it because it was part of the classic literature, which she seemed in love with and not with him because if she had seen him that afternoon, she would have undoubtedly smiled at him¡­ like a stranger to another one. Even so, if she had done that, he would have liked to approach her.


    ?Yet, she doesn¡¯t see me,¡± he told himself eventually, sitting on the same bench on which she had sat before. He seemed to imitate her, keeping the book on his lap and touching its thick green cover with both palms while seeming immersed in thoughts. Then, somehow eager to read those lines which her eyes read before, Alexander opened the book and read the first lines¡­


    ?Still, something was impressive about her¡­ her eyes. In them, you could see the essence of her entire being; you didn¡¯t have a reason to look deeper into them - her entire life was there. Her eyes were blue; blue as autumn distance, blue as the blue we see between the retreating mouldings and woody slopes on a sunny September morning. A misty and shady blue, that had no beginning or surface, and was looked INTO rather than AT.¡± Eyes similar to his blue eyes, which also looked into the distance just as those blue eyes described by the lines of the book were doing. Yet, his blue eyes didn¡¯t see other blue eyes like his but a pair of black deep eyes, in which he would have been able to lose himself for an entire life, without fighting or standing against this idea of not being conquered by them. No, if she had allowed him this, Alex would have opened the gates of the kingdom of his soul alone, surrendering in front of her because he knew that it was more pleasant the plenitude of her arms than his loneliness¡­

 CHAPTER 5: DREAMING TO SEE HER AGAIN

    In the following days after he¡¯d seen her in the park, Alexander had been pretty busy and didn¡¯t have too much time to think about her. Even so, he caught himself sighing, from time to time, when a strange but still pleasant pain sneaked into his soul, following him everywhere. ?The longing for her,¡± he kept telling himself after this when he had time to breathe or think about it. Then, when other meetings started because Erin asked him to help her with an important project, he was sinking into work again, forgetting about everything else: about the world, his melancholy, longing, and even about her - the one he would have liked to have close even in such busy moments.


    He wanted her with him because his subconscious worked all the time, even when Alex was totally focused on his work. His subconscious worked even when the romantic from inside him was reading a book, fully enjoying it. Yet, although that subconscious did his job pretty well, his consciousness was still stronger, keeping Alex afloat and not letting him fall into the arms of melancholy and love forever, which he missed so much.


    That day, finishing his tasks at the office earlier than usual, Alexander told himself that it was time for a walk because the weather was warm and beautiful for the middle of November. That weather was beautiful but more beautiful was the view around, with those red and reddish scarfs seen on the branches of the trees, with the gray of their trunks, and even with those stripped crowns of the trees. Here and there, under those trees, among colorful leaves that had fallen all over on the ground, was still seen the fresh green despite the late autumn because Life and the Green of Time hoped to turn back time at least this way and make beat again, even if for a short time only, the heart of the summer.


    The heart of the summer was still beating¡­ in slow rhythms, somehow weird, so as only a heart in the chest of an in-love man could beat. That heart was beating in the chest of a romantic, that romantic being that was in love not only with the woman but also with the beauty of nature. That¡¯s why, because he simply loved life seen around and nature with its beautiful clothing, Alex stopped for a short time, closed his eyes, and, with his hands in the pockets of the gray coat that he wore on his shoulders, he looked at the November sun, fully enjoying its warm caresses.


    And that sun, playful and romantic like him, was gently moving his fingers on the beautiful face of the man, comforting him and giving him a little bit of hope. Then, other fingers, of the playful wind of November this time, a wind that was now cold then warm, slowly ran through his hair, making him dream and smile because Alexander Doyle had always felt like a child in the arms of time and weather. He had also felt like a child in the arms of love because only a love like the one he felt at that moment could lure other feelings around it: the love of the pleasant weather of November, the love of the sun that seemed to warm only him despite the gloomy weather from his soul, weather that was undoubtedly influenced by longing, and the love of the playful wind too. Wind that had nothing to do with longing or love but with childhood - the one the man always wears inside because only a child can love the weather and its breathing or rhythm.


    Honestly, Alexander also loved the rhythm of time. He loved the rhythm of the mad world that passed by him, somehow squinting at him while wondering, ?What¡¯s the problem with this freak that stopped in the middle of the street just to allow the sun to admire him?¡± And that world, as strange as the man stopped in the middle of the sidewalk that was by the park, looked at the sun for a short while too, amazed to see it cheerfully smiling at them from above. Thus, those people forgot about their opinion about that person in love with the world and with romance, focusing only on the beauty of nature.


    Honestly, Alexander didn¡¯t care about the judgment of the world because it hadn¡¯t ever mattered to him. What was important to him was his own faith, ideals, and what he felt, not the world. Because of this, his friends started to call him a freak. They did that because they couldn¡¯t understand why Alexander Doyle wasn¡¯t afraid of the judgment of the world and why he preferred to live as he liked because ?You see, people have a mission in this world: to lead your footsteps toward a decent life!¡± many of those who were close to Alex used to tell him. An advice Alex always listened to, but he never followed. He only smiled when he heard his friends giving him that piece of good advice, whispering inside him, ?Yet, people have nothing to do with me, just as I have no deal with this world. What¡¯s important for me is my soul and happiness, not the happiness of the entire world.¡±


    Alex was right in thinking something like that because this world had nothing to do with him or his way of thinking. This world also had no deal with how he lived his life, if he was lonely or with a beautiful woman in his arms, if he loved or if he was loved by someone, if he was surrounded by friends or always lonely. At the same time, he was sure that nobody should have cared about his family or if they supported him or, understanding that they weren¡¯t able to make Doyle understand how it was better to live, simply left him alone to live his life at will. More than this, Alex didn¡¯t have a problem with the world because he was eventually a stranger in its arms, just as people around him were strangers to him, even if many of them considered Alex their friend. Yet, many of those who considered the man their friend did that because they hoped to have some benefit one day while being next to that lonely weirdo, who was wealthy and influential at the same time.


    Also because the Doyles were considered one of the wealthiest families in town and country, Alex had always been surrounded by beautiful women. Some of them, those who were shy, only used to smile at him when they saw him in the street or in some place because that¡¯s the main feature of shy women: they only smile at you and wait for you to take a step toward them and make them fall for you. Yet, this hadn¡¯t ever happened because they couldn¡¯t make Alex fall for them: neither because of their smile nor because of their glance. Others, bolder than the rest of the women in that town, even got to steal a kiss from him or ask him for more. However, not being a fan of one-night relationships, Alex had always refused them with a large smile on his face, moving away from them. Then, left alone, he hid among the pages of the books again. It¡¯s better to say that he hid in that beautiful world of rare love, one that it¡¯s so difficult to find nowadays. A world where the man falls in love with a woman only watching her from far away, where she - cold and proud like an ancient Goddess - ignores him and pretends not to see him, just to give that man the chance to awaken the hunter inside him. And, thinking that she was prey to catch, to take the first step toward her or try to seduce her.


    Because of those books and the love described among their scentful pages, Alexander Doyle had refused the love of many women in Westport. He refused them even if they were beautiful, educated, or wise. He would have refused them even if someone had told him that the world would vanish if he didn¡¯t choose his pair from those local women. He would have done this anyway¡­ despite their education and beauty, because none of them ever managed to get to the gate of his soul, and, slowly knocking with their thin heels of those black stiletto shoes on the asphalt from in front of that door, to let him know that elegance got there and it was eager to be left inside of the kingdom of his soul.


    ?Her elegance,¡± the man whispered, sighing after this and opening his eyes. Looking in front, he saw a lot of people rushing somewhere. He saw the children playing with the autumn leaves, happily smiling. There, on one of the upper branches of one birch, he saw a red squirrel with a peanut squeezed between her front paws and carefully looking at him, as though she had been afraid that that freak, who also seemed to be in love, would approach her eventually just to steal her treasure. Then, when she finally understood that Alex wasn¡¯t interested in her peanut but in the beauty seen around him, the squirrel only showed him her thick red tail, and, rushing through the branches, she got to her hollow and hid inside. She did that as though imitating Alex in his moments of melancholy when he was hiding in his world, reading a book, and thinking about Her.


    ***


    It was already dusk when Alexander finally entered the coffee shop. He returned there after many hours of walking through the park, tightly held by melancholy in its arms, something that reminded him about his longing for Her. Yet, he got rid of that longing very soon when he saw Her in the same place as he had seen her the first time: sitting on that big armchair in front of the fireplace and reading a book.


    Seeing her there, the man involuntarily smiled. He felt so well after he had seen her chestnut curls that filled the coffee shop with a certain aroma of romance. At the same time, he felt the hot tongues of the fire warming him inside, a warmth that was felt from the fireplace, which was so beautifully illuminating her face, and those black-like berries eyes that were focused on the book she was reading and not on those that were with her in the coffee shop. If she had looked around, at him in particular, she would have made him the happiest man in the world. Yet, even if she didn¡¯t do that, he was happy with only having her there, so close to his soul and his arms, which he often imagined wrapped around her body, spoiled like a child in the arms of longing and romance.


    The man was definitely happy that night because he finally could calm his soul and chase the longing away, that longing that had always been with him in the last few days and hadn¡¯t left Alex alone, not even for a second. Alex also felt jealousy vanishing somewhere, jealousy he felt so intense after that night when he¡¯d seen her accompanied by that ?Worthy Rival¡± and understood that she wasn¡¯t his but someone else¡¯s. Even so, Alex didn¡¯t lose hope of having her close to him again or seeing her even if it was from far away when his heart longed too much after her. He also hoped to feel her perfume again when his soul was singing in the rhythm of piano or guitar music, and smiling at him, at least from time to time. Alex would have been happy with only seeing her smiling, although she wouldn¡¯t have smiled at him but because of the melancholy she also seemed to feel each time she read a good book. This allowed him to be happy because the hopeless romantic was often like this: he loved to admire his muse from far away, to smile seeing her, even if she hadn¡¯t ever suspected that his smile was because of her or that such a romantic person would love her forever, even if he¡¯d do that silently.


    This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    Alex intended to love her for an entire life because he was that kind of man who, if he fell in love with someone, was like the swans, those who are always in love with only one partner. At the same time, she was a black swan in his eyes, a rare specimen of swan of a rare elegance too, someone he hadn¡¯t ever met before - that elegance he longed for an entire life but which he found in a stranger eventually. ?In this beautiful Helen of Troy,¡± a Helen that made his heart sing and feel the longing so deeply, so as only a beautiful Helen could do - make Paris fall in love with her after he¡¯d seen her on the street. And, despite the fact she was someone else¡¯s woman, to want her by his side even if he had to give up on his life and wealth eventually.


    In that story, Alexander was advantaged because he wasn¡¯t a prince and neither the safety of an entire country depended on him if he had fallen in love with someone else¡¯s woman. At the same time, he didn¡¯t intend to kidnap that beautiful Lady of Mysteries from that ?Worthy Rival¡± because he considered that a real man never does something like that: he never steals someone else¡¯s happiness only to make sure he builds his own happiness. Not that Alex wouldn¡¯t have wanted that. He really wanted this, but his heart didn¡¯t allow him to do that, a heart in love with life, ideals, passion, and sadness, a heart that preferred to endure loneliness than to know that another man suffered for an entire life because of him.


    Eventually, Alex winced when he saw his assistant, Robert, approaching the counter and bringing a tray full of clean cups. Seeing him there, Alex approached the young man and gave him his briefcase and coat to take them into the small office he had somewhere in the back of the coffee shop. Then, he poured himself a cup of coffee and looked for a while at that beautiful Helen of Troy, admiring her elegance even when she was reading a book because¡­ ?Oh, she¡¯s so beautiful, even when she¡¯s immersed in reading and totally out of reality.¡±


    ?And she¡¯s been there for about two hours already,¡± he heard his assistant saying. Words that made Alex wince and stare at Robert in amazement. The young man instead, seeing his boss staring at him and feeling clumsy, as though he had caught him doing something forbidden, smiled. ?I¡¯m talking about that beautiful owner of a pair of black eyes that reads in front of the fireplace while she¡¯s read by a pair of blue eyes.¡±


    Alex smiled too. ?Are you a poet now after so many days taking care of books?¡±


    ?I just¡­ notice the romance,¡± replied Robert calmly. Then, after he finished arranging the clean cups on their support, he looked at Alex and said, ?Something at all difficult to notice, by the way. Not when it¡¯s clearly seen in your eyes. Just as it¡¯s not difficult to understand why you have been sighing so much lately while looking in the distance through that big window.¡±


    ?I did that because of melancholy,¡± stuttered Alex, clumsier than before and feeling stripped of secrets in front of his younger assistant.


    ?I haven¡¯t ever doubted that, honestly. Why? Because¡­ if I had liked her as you like her, I would have also stood in front of that window for an entire life¡­ with a cup of hot coffee in my hand and looking at the distance, begging that distance to bring her to me again.¡± After that, pretending to have sighed because of love, Robert held the empty tray to his chest and headed toward the small pantry that was also somewhere in the back of the coffee shop where they kept the fresh coffee and other things. Robert headed toward that room after he realized that the coffee was about to be finished and he needed to bring more, allowing Alex to enjoy the sight and that beautiful lady who read in front of the fireplace.


    Left alone¡­ only He and Her in that coffee shop, although there were enough clients there that night¡­ Alex allowed the feelings to take over him and looked for a long time at Her. He saw her reading, completely immersed in that story and at all interested in the world. Thus, watching her, Alex compared her with him because he also didn¡¯t seem interested in others but only in books and beauty, just as she seemed to love all this at that moment. At the same time, both of them seemed to love that armchair in front of the fireplace because when there weren¡¯t clients in the coffee shop and he could afford to relax, Alex poured a cup of coffee, took a book from one of the bookshelves, and sat on the same armchair. He had had this habit not since she appeared in his life but for a very long time because his soul was calm only there and he never felt lonely.


    Such thoughts made him sigh again and reminded him about that place that seemed magic and meant to bring them close to each other. Then, realizing that maybe the coffee from the coffee table that was to her right was cold already, Alex poured fresh liquid into another cup and approached her, intending to change the cups without being noticed, giving her the chance to enjoy its aroma for longer. ?Coffee that, starting today, has your smell,¡± Alex whispered in his mind. He whispered such words because, approaching her, he felt a pleasant scent of jasmine and chrysanthemums coming from her. A scent that deeply entered his soul, tormenting him at that moment and maybe for an entire life.


    Still there and deeply breathing in her perfume, although he knew he shouldn¡¯t have done that, Alex glanced at the book she was reading. Thus, he could read only a few lines while looking at the page of the book that was a little bit turned toward him. Even so, he could understand that he knew that novel. It was undoubtedly ?Gone with the Wind¡± by Margaret Mitchell, a novel he loved so much because he had read it so many times before, especially when he was still a teenager. Thus, he got to dream of a similar love, even if he knew it wasn¡¯t fair to do that because of the love felt by the characters of the novel because¡­ Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable¡¯s love was a sad one eventually, a love that made so many hearts bleed when the readers got to the end of the book, making their eyes shed tears too¡­ just as Vivien¡¯s eyes might have cried when she lost Clark.


    Catching this new thought crossing his mind, Alex smiled. He did that, understanding that he was really weird. Why exactly? Because, instead of doing his job as the host of that place, he allowed that wind described in Mitchell¡¯s novel to take him on its wings and take him far away from there to the castle of the longing where she was living. Yet, it wasn¡¯t fair to do that because, eventually, she was there only like his client and not like the woman he loved. That¡¯s why, because he considered himself a respectable host, Alex bent a little in front and changed the empty cup with the one he brought there for her.


    ?I didn¡¯t order another coffee,¡± he heard her voice to his left. This made him wince and look at her in amazement because he didn¡¯t expect her to notice him there. He thought she¡¯d ignore him as she did the last time. Yet, he¡¯d been wrong because that night her black eyes, the color of the savage berries, were fixed on him, looking at him also in amazement because of the pleasant feeling felt by her, as though she hadn¡¯t ever expected such hospitality from the owner of that coffee shop.


    ?Yet, I wanted to do that,¡± Alex replied to what she said, something that surprised him too, considering her words a kind of hidden question. His vague answer made Helen of Troy look at him even more surprised than before because she didn¡¯t understand for sure what he was trying to tell her. And yes, she found his answer weird. Alex also understood this eventually. That¡¯s why he rushed to straighten his back and, looking into her eyes, he told her in a confident but soft voice, ?Just¡­ a courtesy¡­ on the house!¡± Then, quickening his pace, he turned his back to her and went to hide behind the counter again.


    Already behind the counter, although he felt ashamed because of his vague and misunderstood answer, Alex still dared to look at his beautiful Helen, curious to find out what she¡¯d do. Thus, he saw her also watching him, although Alex thought she¡¯d forget about him right after he¡¯d moved away from her. Yet, his beautiful Helen was still watching him. He even saw the surprise in her beautiful black eyes because of the courtesy of that lonely romantic who was behind the counter and who looked like a teenager who had fallen in love for the first time.


    Her eyes hadn¡¯t been focused on him for a long time though. Only for a few moments. Yet, it had been enough for Alex to understand that she wasn¡¯t a cold moon that Helen of Troy, who had stolen his heart. She was a kind lady, who beautifully smiled when she was satisfied by the attention received from a gentleman as pleasant as she was, and who was able to appreciate beauty and kindness. Then, sipping from the coffee that Alex brought her, she smiled. Alexander clearly saw her smile, although it lasted only for an instant. This made him so happy¡­ happier than he hadn¡¯t probably ever been.


    ***


    She didn¡¯t forget him, not even when she left¡­ Yes, that night, Helen of Troy smiled at Alex when she left the coffee shop. She not only smiled at him but, approaching the counter and leaving the empty cup on it, the beautiful owner of those black eyes looked into his blue eyes and kindly told him, ?Thank you, Alex! It¡¯s been a pleasure for me to be here tonight! It¡¯s been a real pleasure, by the way!¡± Then, without waiting for an answer from that shy man who was just staying in front of her, she smiled and, turning her back to him, she quickened her pace toward the exit door.


    Seeing her leaving, Alex smiled too. He felt so well at that moment because¡­ she had talked to him for the first time. She thanked him for the coffee and courtesy¡­ something trivial in his opinion but still an important gesture, as it seemed to her. Or¡­ ?Had she simply been polite to me?¡± Who knows?! There wasn¡¯t nobody to answer his question. He also didn¡¯t have time to do that because he was too busy to watch her leaving and how her footsteps were slowly but surely touching the autumn asphalt while moving away from him¡­ more and more¡­ As a beautiful woman generally does - she leaves when she¡¯s sure that she caught the sight of gentlemen and that they won¡¯t ever forget her.


    Alex wouldn¡¯t have forgotten her, for nothing in the world. He wouldn¡¯t have forgotten her because she was his muse. At the same time, his blue eyes wouldn¡¯t have ever forgotten that pair of black eyes that watched him that night for the first time and both of them had been so happy. They didn¡¯t care that they weren¡¯t alone in the coffee shop or that Robert hadn¡¯t lost sight of them all that time, curious to find out what his boss would do eventually - would Alex start a conversation with that beautiful lady or he¡¯d ignore her as he generally did with the beautiful ladies.


    ?He didn¡¯t ignore her though,¡± Robert whispered eventually, looking behind Alex, who was in front of the big window again, watching her leave. ?Even so¡­ he didn¡¯t grab her hand or ask for her phone number, something that tells me he¡¯ll have to deal with the insufferable longing he often feels for long.¡± Then, he also smiled, melancholically, aware that his boss would stay there for a long time, immersed in thoughts and dreaming to see her again. After that, still smiling, Robert turned his back to Alex and went to wash those two cups with red lipstick on them¡­ Cups that kept the shape of her lips¡­ those untouched by other lips¡­ at least, not touched by those lips that would have done everything to feel their aroma¡­ something similar to the coffee one¡­

 CHAPTER 6: STILL, I LOVE YOU…

    That day was really strange. It¡¯s been strange right from the morning when, despite the gloomy weather that had been forecast, a kind sun smiled on the sky, a sun that seemed to spur the naughty wind of November to play. A wind that should have been cold for that time but which was still warm as those April playful winds. All this lured the leaves from above to dance. Leaves that were yellow in places and reddish for the rest, of such an impressive color that seemed even more beautiful while they were dancing with the wind until they got to cover the earth with a warm coat to protect it from the cold winter that was about to come.


    Those reddish playful leaves didn¡¯t cover only the earth but also the asphalt touched by her soles. Feet that confidently stepped on the asphalt of November because Kathleen O¡¯Connell was just like that: she loved to pass through life like a real queen who was confident, strong, and knew what she wanted from life. That¡¯s why she was often compared to an ancient goddess, one that wasn¡¯t at all interested by the rest of the world, a goddess with a mysterious aura around, and this was so because of the great thoughts that she might have had. ?An untouchable woman for many men,¡± as she often heard others saying about her. ?Still, she¡¯s a woman about whom a lot of men dream silently, wanting her by their side.¡±


    Yet, Kathleen didn¡¯t want that. She didn¡¯t want to be the woman or muse of many but the woman of a single soul. She wanted to be his beloved woman for an entire life, Jonathan Ward¡¯s soulmate, whom she fell for right from the beginning and for whom she would have given up on her life if it had been necessary. Yes, Kathleen would have given up on her life for him, but she wasn¡¯t that sure that Jonathan would have done the same for her. He was a strong man, authoritarian, and extremely cold with others. ?He¡¯s even colder than I might have ever been with the strangers that don¡¯t let me breathe,¡± the young woman whispered, slowly bowing her head, and sighing.


    Such thoughts made her sad again, although she thought that she got rid of sadness and melancholy after she had spent many hours in that coffee shop, reading a good book. Yet, she got rid neither of thoughts nor of the sadness from her soul. Sadness that had gotten to be her companion lately, following her everywhere, even if Kate was sure that she didn¡¯t want such a life for her, just as she was sure she didn¡¯t have the life for which others were envious of her. Yes, many were envious of her because she was with Jonathan, an important executive from Dublin, with whom she had been in a relationship for about three years already. They were envious of her, often telling her that God loved her if He allowed her to have such a man by her side, one with whom she could live like a Queen for an entire life, having no problems about how or what her life would be from now on.


    What those envious people didn¡¯t know was that her life wasn¡¯t a fairy tale for sure. Yes, Jonathan gave her the material luxury she needed. He gave her money to buy whatever she wanted or to go wherever she wanted. What he hadn¡¯t ever given her was that unique love that she had dreamt of since they met, just as he hadn¡¯t ever given her soul warmth. She could even say that she neither had body warmth with him, even if they had slept in the same bed not only once and she had not only once been his woman. Yes, she¡¯d been his so many times before, but she hadn¡¯t ever felt that it was enough for him. Why? He was always unsatisfied with something about her: how she looked, what she did every day, her relatives, her education, and the list continued. All these ?reproaches,¡± sometimes mentioned as a joke and other times during their serious conversations, when she got to reproach him that they got to spend so little time together, hurt her a lot, making her feel insecure about herself and unconfident.


    Nevertheless, she hadn¡¯t ever shown others her fears. She hadn¡¯t ever told others about her problems, just as she hadn¡¯t ever complained about her unhappiness. She simply smiled. Yes, Kathleen often smiled when someone asked her about her life and if she was happy with him. She always said that she was happy and that she couldn¡¯t have ever found a better man than Jonathan Ward. Kate was saying this because this was what her mother taught her since she was little: to praise the man who was with her because it was the only way a woman could support the man she loved, and that it wasn¡¯t enough for a woman just to be by that man¡¯s side. And Kate, as many of her friends and relatives called her, strictly followed that advice and rules, thinking that it was fair to do that and that she had to do that no matter what. After all, this was what her mother had always done with her father, having a strong relationship with him for so many years.


    Kate did that because she hoped that Jonathan would start respecting her one day and would tell her that he loved her. Three years passed already since they were together, but he hadn¡¯t ever said those three words that she was starving for, ?I love you.¡± Yes, she longed for those words for years. She dreamt of hearing them since she met him, but she hadn¡¯t ever heard them or at least nobody spoke them with their heart: neither he, nor others. Kathleen hadn¡¯t ever heard those words even if those men with whom she had had a relationship before Jonathan had told her that they adored her, but none of them told her that he loved her. That¡¯s why Kate got to wonder sometimes if she was cursed. She did that because it was the only way she could explain why a strong beautiful woman like she was, a real goddess as she had often heard others calling her while she passed by them in the street, hadn¡¯t ever heard such word told by others to her, especially ?I love you so much¡± or ?Still, I love you.¡±


    Sometimes she even wondered if she had ever heard such words from her parents. No, she was sure she hadn¡¯t ever heard them because her mother, a woman who was as cold as Jonathan was, thought that children shouldn¡¯t be loved so much because this would spoil them and would make them lose the right path in life. At the same time, Marie O¡¯Connell considered that children grow up and forget about their parents after that. That¡¯s why it wasn¡¯t worth the dedication and love their parents shared with them. At least, Marie thought that the children shouldn¡¯t receive the same love as her partner because she was sure that she¡¯d stay with him after Kate flew from the nest and would never turn back.


    Because of the same principles, Marie O¡¯Connell hadn¡¯t ever wanted a second child, although Kathleen had told her so many times that she would have wanted a sister or a brother. She received material things instead and she¡¯d been asked to be grateful for that and stop pocking her nose into the adults¡¯life and business because they had enough things on their shoulders and no time to waste with her caprices. Then, after she had been ?scolded¡± like that, Kate was left alone again, or in the care of the nannies, because her parents, both of them university professors and important personalities at QUB (Queen¡¯s University Belfast) from Belfast, her hometown, didn¡¯t have time to waste to educate their daughter. They had time for important projects though, for traveling, for themselves, and for their friends, ?Important duties¡± that Kathleen got to hate. She did that because she considered that all this had stolen her parents¡¯love from her and made her feel so lonely.


    Actually, still a child, Kate swore not to be like that ever: always busy and never having free time for her family. Because of this, she tried to make friends when she was a teenager, an impulse she felt for her huge desire to stop being alone. Yet, no matter what she did, she had always wrongly chosen her friends, something that made her lonely again. Yet, she didn¡¯t lose faith, thinking that she¡¯d stop being alone when she¡¯d find her soul mate or when she¡¯d fall in love. She was actually sure that loneliness would vanish somewhere when this would happen, and that she¡¯d finally have that unique love she was dreaming about.


    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    This was the reason why Kathleen had refused the invitations of many of the rich youngsters from Belfast to go out. This happened when she was already in college. At that time, she went out only with men she considered ?trustworthy,¡± but she was disappointed very soon when she understood that they were more interested in themselves and their careers than in making her happy. That¡¯s why she also focused on her career after this, trying to understand what was so pleasantly about work and being an important and extremely busy person. All this made her feel bored soon, especially about Economics, something she started to study because of her parents. She had actually always felt like that because of her studies, and this happened because she hadn¡¯t ever felt comfortable learning about numbers, marketing strategies, relationships among business partners, and so many others. Yet, she stopped feeling all this once she changed her career and started to study Theater and Film at the same University where her parents were teaching.


    Kate¡¯s choice hadn¡¯t been ever appreciated by her parents. It had actually been the reason why they argued so badly one day. They even stopped talking to each other for years because the spouses O¡¯Connell considered that Kathleen would have had a great future if she had finished Economics. For them, being an actor in theater and film, or worse - a playwright or screenwriter - something Kathleen intended to practice once she had finished her studies, was equal to poverty and being a nobody. They considered that only a nobody can do anything in life because, you see ?Who goes to the Theater or Cinema nowadays when they can watch all this on TV or the Internet?!¡±


    Her parents¡¯contempt made Kathleen feel even lonelier than she had been before. She felt betrayed, disappointed, unappreciated, and somehow trampled. Because of this, she withdrew into the world of books, preferring to read than think about life, problems, and gaps. Yet, she didn¡¯t give up on her passion related to the theater, something she continued to do after she finished her studies. She even started to collaborate with a few important theaters in town, for which she was writing screenplays. Kate even helped them with the stage art, something she did great. For this, she was highly appreciated. She could even say that many actors and directors loved her. Even so, with all their love, Kate hadn¡¯t ever felt comfortable working in that area, just as she hadn¡¯t felt comfortable with her boyfriend, especially lately, although she knew she loved him and wanted to make that relationship work.


    Honestly, she had felt such an emptiness in her soul since they met, but it became more evident in the last few months after Jonathan had started that important project in Westport, and both of them started to live in a hotel. At first, she blamed the change of entourage for that feeling of emptiness. Then, for the same feeling, she blamed the change of their place of residence and the relationship increasingly soured between them because Jonathan preferred to spend time with his business partners than with her. Actually, they started to see each other fewer than in Dublin. All this made her feel abandoned and think that he had really forgotten about her because she couldn¡¯t understand how a handsome man like Jonathan Ward didn¡¯t want to spend at least the nights in her company, a beautiful woman next to whom many men would have given everything to spend at least one night. He instead, who had her so close and knew that she was already his, preferred to ignore her, hurt her, disregard her, considering her a kind of expensive trinket in his office, one in which he could invest money but not time or soul.


    Feeling all this, Kathleen started to look for pace and love in books. She was reading a lot, sometimes for days, closed in her hotel room, and seeing nobody. She read old novels, new ones, avenue novels, or books that weren¡¯t that known. All these books she was taking from the main library of Westport, just to make sure she¡¯d have a tool to ?kill¡± her free time. This one with ?killing her time¡± wasn¡¯t at all a simple metaphor because, having no friends in town and being ignored by Jonathan most of the time, Kate could afford such a luxury. Yes, she could afford the luxury of being alone with the books, of sinking into a world different from hers or similar, living foreign loves as being hers, stories she started to compare with her love story. Thus, she found out that many of the main characters of the stories suffered because of love just as she suffered, and this was a feature she was unable not to pay attention to.


    Something changed after that first evening when she read ?Red and Black¡± by Stendhal in that coffee shop called ?Aisling.¡± A coffee shop that was usual at first sight, which she¡¯d seen many times before while passing by there, but which she didn¡¯t pay too much attention to because Kate preferred loneliness while the coffee shops were crowded, especially on rainy days. That day though, something lured her to that place and she entered. What made her enter that coffee shop and spend an entire day there? She wasn¡¯t that sure. She just¡­ remembered a pair of blue eyes watching her while she passed by there, a pair of blue eyes that somehow charmed her just to make sure Kathleen O¡¯Connell would cross the threshold of his coffee shop. The reason? Not to drink a cup of coffee as she intended at first but to read a book¡­ in silence, in front of the fireplace, and with that pleasant aroma of fresh coffee felt all around her.


    Kate really felt well that day at ?Aisling.¡± This didn¡¯t happen just because she had the chance to read a good book or drink a cup of fresh coffee in front of the fireplace. She felt so good because of the guitar music she had heard in that place and that pleasant and luring smell of books and romance. Why did she feel so good? Kate wasn¡¯t sure. She just felt it, and this was really impressive because she hadn¡¯t ever felt so much inner warmth and pleasure before. She hadn¡¯t felt it in none of the places she visited in her life, places similar to the coffee shop ?Aisling,¡± and Kate hadn¡¯t felt it because nowhere else did she feel that perfume of love and longing, at least it hadn¡¯t anywhere else been so intense as she felt it in that place.


    Honestly, because of the same pleasant feeling of longing and love, and because of that pair of blue eyes that she had seen that day when she gave Alex her credit card to pay for the coffee she ordered, Kathleen remembered Thomas Hardy¡¯s book, ?A pair of blue eyes,¡± which she read in the park after this, completely charmed by the love of the characters, by the landscapes described in the book, and even because of nature around her. All this overwhelmed her and awakened in her soul feelings she thought she had forgotten about, feelings that made her also forget the book on the bench when she felt the need to take a few steps, and then she walked a little further from that bench. When she remembered the book and turned back to take it, Kathleen realized that the book wasn¡¯t on the bench anymore, and this made her sad because she didn¡¯t imagine that there were book thieves in those places.


    She found that ?book thief¡± quickly after that, a few days after she had forgotten the book in the park when she stopped by ?Aisling¡± again. That day, entering the coffee shop and approaching Robert, who was behind the counter, to order a coffee, Kathleen spotted her book ?forgotten¡± on the left corner of the counter. This didn¡¯t enrage her. On the contrary, realizing who had taken her book from the park, Kate smiled. At the same time, she¡¯d been amazed because the ?book thief¡± was the owner of a coffee shop, and this meant only one thing: the owner of a pair of blue eyes wanted to have a novel named after his eyes. Why exactly did he take the novel? Undoubtedly, because he¡¯d seen her reading it and realized that she¡¯d stop by his coffee shop again and he¡¯d have the chance to give it back to her. Yet¡­ was he eager only to return her the book she had forgotten in the park or he wanted something more? Kate didn¡¯t know that. Even so, a weird idea came to her mind after this: that maybe someone needed her in that world - a strange being, a lover of books, a soul so similar to his, and she realized that after she¡¯d looked for the first time into Alexander Doyle¡¯s blue eyes. It¡¯s when she realized that he was a hopeless romantic, an in-love person with the world and maybe with her too¡­

 CHAPTER 7: ADVICE ISN’T EVER IN VAIN

    Entering the coffee shop that day, Erin saw Kathleen for the first time. She was standing as usual on that big armchair in front of the fireplace, focused on the book she was reading, and with her back at the door. Thus, Kate didn¡¯t see Erin entering and she also didn¡¯t pay too much attention to her or seemed bothered by the fact that Erin insistently looked at her. Why exactly did Erin look like that at the stranger? Because¡­ something told her that the mysterious woman, whom she hadn¡¯t ever seen there before, had a certain charm and an elegance she had rarely seen in someone. Especially, what made Erin attentive and curious, was Kate¡¯s manner of sitting. She had her back straight, even if she was sitting on that armchair, with her legs folded at the ankles and a little bit leaning in the area of the knees. ?The way of sitting of the in-love aristocrats,¡± Erin caught a thought crossing her mind, although she had no idea if the stranger was or not from the upper class. Even so, the stranger¡¯s presence in the coffee shop started to bother her, although she couldn¡¯t explain why she had this feeling.


    That feeling of concern suddenly vanished, being replaced by admiration. Yes, Erin started admiring that elegant and sophisticated woman, even if she was also considered an elegant and mysterious woman as many considered Kathleen. And, besides her admiration for the stranger, Erin Doyle also felt jealousy at one point. Yet, she wasn¡¯t sure if she was envious of the stranger because she realized that there were other beautiful and elegant women in this world or simply because she felt that for a woman she¡¯d seen around her brother, someone Erin adored and cared the most in her life, even more than she cared about herself.


    That ?caring about someone more than about her life¡± wasn¡¯t at all an exaggeration for Erin because she really loved her brother and wanted to see him happy. She wanted at any cost to protect him from problems and danger, aware that it was normal for an elder sister, even if Alex should have been the one always ready to protect her once he was the man and she the woman in that family relationship. Yet, Erin didn¡¯t care about such ranks, social roles, or other kinds of stupid things. She simply considered that all this was outdated and that the one who had the power and the desire to protect someone should have undoubtedly done that: because he wanted that and not because someone forced him to do that. At the same time, Erin considered that it was her duty to do that because she had seen Alex the day he¡¯d been born. He had grown up in front of her, and she shared with him the same chocolate or biscuits so many times before even if they weren¡¯t poor and they could have afforded to eat an entire candy. Yet, once they felt a special connection to each other, Alex and Erin had always shared things like brothers because both of them knew that it was a way of letting the other one know that they cared about him and that he was someone important to them until his death.


    Then, there was the care for her brother, whom she considered naive. Erin thought that about Alex because he preferred the world of books and not the one of humans. Thus, somehow isolated from the rest of the world, Alex Doyle didn¡¯t have where to know what one¡¯s heart hid inside. Yet, Erin knew all this - that many considered Alex a kind of walking ATM and nothing more, especially the opportunistic women. That¡¯s why Erin tried to be always close to her brother, to make sure she knew those women who were seen around him because she had already heard enough gossip in the town. Much of the gossip was about Alex and other women, gossip meant to give the opportunistic ones a chance to be seen by him and have a better life with him. At least this would have given them the chance to reach the upper class, one that was a kind of golden globe for many of the local women, who didn¡¯t find their place in life yet and needed ?extra help.¡±


    Knowing all this and especially aware of what a woman¡¯s heart can feel, Erin told herself that even if she wanted to see Alex happy and with someone, he had to be only with someone who truly loved him for his soul and not for his money. Because of this, at least one of them should have clearly thought, analyzing each detail while trusting their head and not their emotions. ?As the in-love men generally do because if a man loses his head for an unscrupulous woman, he can lose not only his soul but his social position too.¡± Something Erin intended not to allow ever. She considered that Alex deserved to be happy only with a woman who would have loved him as he was - a weirdo sometimes, as it was characteristic of a hopeless romantic, while, most of the time, he was as shy as a young girl and had a huge heart, being ready to help all those who needed him, even if this meant he had to give up on himself or on the advantages he deserved.


    Knowing all this and especially because of the fact she considered that none of the women deserved to be with her brother, Erin had always kept an eye on Alex. Even so, Alex hadn¡¯t ever given her a reason to be worried about him, although enough opportunistic women hovered around him, whom he knew to keep away from him and keep his heart pure too. For this, Erin appreciated him a lot, loving him more than ever and considering him a man as so few others could be in this world, a man others could count on no matter what. Yet, even knowing this, Erin couldn¡¯t leave him ?on his own¡± because he was a man eventually, and men used to lose their heads for beautiful women generally.


    Thinking about all this, Erin wasn¡¯t at all wrong because she had had enough delusions in her life when she had been betrayed and abandoned for ?other beautiful faces.¡± She did the same, abandoning those who loved her for ?another handsome man.¡± That¡¯s why she knew so well that a human¡¯s heart was something insatiable and that feelings are transient just as the seconds on a winter day are. Knowing all that, Erin was sure that a bold woman would find the manner to open the gate of Alex¡¯s soul one day and sentence him to suffer, something she tried to keep him away from at any cost. What Erin hadn¡¯t ever thought about but she seemed to have found out at that moment was that Alex could fall not for an opportunistic woman but for a forbidden one. ?A woman he won¡¯t ever have, no matter what. Only¡­ if he¡¯d find the way to open the gate of her soul, which is closed with seven iron locks, as it seems that her heart is locked for other men,¡± Erin thought about this, eyes still on Kathleen, about whom she felt that was to blame for her brother¡¯s clumsiness, something she managed to notice at him lately.


    Actually, Erin noticed something strange about Alex since the beginning of November. Yet, she didn¡¯t pay too much attention to this, thinking that it was something transient, something she had seen in him before. Soon after this, she understood that it was something different at that time when she noticed him one day staring at the screen of his laptop, for hours in a row, by the way, and doing nothing. Another day, Erin saw him in front of the window, also staying there for hours and looking in the distance while holding a cup of coffee in his hand, a coffee he didn¡¯t sip from eventually. ?Coffee he poured into his cup only to feel its aroma and because he thought about her. Yes, he thought about this beautiful Madonna, who stepped over the threshold of his coffee shop just to steal his heart eventually.¡±


    Thinking about all this, Erin didn¡¯t see Alex leaving his small office and insistently looking at her for a while. Then, when Alex understood that Erin seemed absent because of the stranger who was reading in front of the fireplace, he headed toward her, touching her arm eventually and making her wince. Erin even stared at him, confused, after she had felt his touch. Her amazement was related to the fact that she thought he wasn¡¯t there that day because, when she generally came there, Alex was behind the counter. That day though, she saw only Robert there and thought that Alex was outside, solving things. Yet, she¡¯d been wrong because he was there and this was somehow related to Her - that beautiful woman with chestnut hair, who was reading ?War and Peace¡± by Tolstoy.


    Erin didn¡¯t say anything to her brother about her thoughts though. She only smiled, somehow clumsily when she caught his glance focused on her. Then, when he invited her to his office to sip a cup of coffee together, Erin straightened her back, and, looking straight into his eyes and smiling, she told him, ?Why should we hide when it¡¯s such a beautiful day outside?¡±


    Alex didn¡¯t understand the meaning of her words at first, something that made him frown. Even so, he didn¡¯t ask her to explain what she meant. He only followed her to one of the tables that wasn¡¯t that far from the fireplace but which wasn¡¯t also close enough to it to allow others to hear what they were talking about. Yet, before following his sister, Alex asked Robert to bring them two coffees and prepare another one for that beautiful Helen of Troy.


    After that, sitting on two comfortable armchairs and sipping from their coffee, Alex spotted Erin spying on the fireplace several times, where the stranger was reading. Erin was focused on the stranger because she saw Robert approaching her and changing her cup of coffee for another one, although she didn¡¯t hear her ordering another coffee. It undoubtedly happened at Alex¡¯s order, something that made her smile. Then, she thought, ?I was actually right: the beautiful owner of the chestnut curls knocked on the door of his heart. And he, as it¡¯s characteristic of the romantic in love with everything that¡¯s beautiful, opened that door right away, without anybody entering his castle eventually. After that, already in love with her, he just stays and watches her from far away, lacking the courage to approach her and talk to her, even if this means solving all his problems.¡± Eventually, still smiling while looking at her coffee and not at Alex, Erin said, ?You know, she¡¯s beautiful!¡±


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    ?Who exactly?¡± The man asked. He was confused because he seemed not to have understood Erin¡¯s hint.


    ?The one who receives soul coffees, although she hasn¡¯t ordered them,¡± Erin replied in a cunning and playful voice.


    Alex smiled. ?She understood,¡± he thought, sipping from his coffee just to avoid answering his sister. Yet, spotting his sister¡¯s glance focused on him, Alex finally understood that he didn¡¯t have a chance to avoid answering Erin¡¯s remark. That is why he rushed to tell her, ?Just an illusion!¡±


    ?Do you think so? Allow me to think differently, Alex. Just as I¡¯m sure that is not the same as your heart feels. It feels something totally different from what you say.¡±


    ?What makes you think that I¡¯m not honest with you?¡± He asked her, clumsily smiling because he really felt weird talking to Erin about the stranger. He felt that even if it wasn¡¯t the first time they talked about their relationship or women and when none of them felt something strange about this.


    ?Your eyes,¡± Erin suddenly said, making him wince. ?Your eyes betray you, Alex. Those eyes that spy on her on the sly as if she is something forbidden, although you should have taken the first step to approach her already. If you had done that, who knows¡­ maybe you wouldn¡¯t have been single now.¡±


    ?Or maybe I would have been sadder now, Erin,¡± he whispered, thoughtful and melancholic. ?Yes, this would have happened for sure because¡­ even if I¡¯m single, she¡¯s not. Yes, she¡¯s not single because¡­ I¡¯ve seen her accompanied by another man. Most probably he¡¯s her boyfriend because she happily smiles when she sees him and seems in love with him.¡±


    ?You know, Alex: love is something transient and you also know that. Just as you know a woman¡¯s heart is unstable if a good and handsome man gets to court her.¡±


    ?She¡¯s different though. She has a boyfriend, whom I¡¯m sure she won¡¯t ever betray. At the same time, she doesn¡¯t seem like the kind of woman who can betray her man.¡±


    ?Just a hypothesis, Alex. Something you can¡¯t be sure of before trying this. And¡­ she has a boyfriend, not a husband. Thus, as long as she isn¡¯t tied forever by another one, as long as she doesn¡¯t wear his ring on her finger, and as long as she doesn¡¯t have his name on the passport, she can be yours any time. Do you know why? Because¡­ a woman is like the roses: she belongs only to that man who dared to take the scissors in his hand and clean her thorns without hurting her or destroying her beauty.¡±


    ***


    That day, Erin Doyle stopped by her brother¡¯s coffee shop not to meet Alex but Mark, whom she asked to help her with something private. Instead of solving her own problems, she found out secrets about Alex and the beautiful owner of a pair of black eyes and brown hair. Secrets that confused her, although she didn¡¯t know why. At the same time, she understood that her brother wasn¡¯t as innocent as she had thought about him and that he was also capable of thinking on his own when it was necessary, just as he was able to find the perfect woman for him, as it seemed that he found her in that stranger in front of the fireplace.


    ?A woman that¡¯s not single though,¡± Erin suddenly whispered, making Mark, who was to her right, wince.


    ?Who exactly?¡± The man asked right away, insistently looking at her while waiting for her answer.


    Erin smiled, bowing her head. ?A black swan,¡± she drily replied, making the man feel even more confused than before.


    Although he didn¡¯t understand the meaning of her words, Mark didn¡¯t ask her to explain this to him. Yet, this didn¡¯t mean he wasn¡¯t curious to find out what Erin thought about at that moment. At the same time, he was jealous of those thoughts, and this was so because he would have liked Erin to think about him and not about a ?black swan.¡± He would have also liked Erin to watch him and not the asphalt that was touched by the soles of her white shoes, eyes that seemed so sad at that moment, although Erin was only thoughtful.


    Erin and Mark were heading at that moment toward her car, which she parked not that far from the park, thinking that she would probably have a walk with Alex after her meeting with Mark was over. And, as it was more comfortable to take the car from there to go to the office, she didn¡¯t bother to park it closer to Alex¡¯s coffee shop. Yet, she¡¯d been wrong eventually. Alex not only didn¡¯t accompany her to the car, but he also weirdly acted that day. He fugitively kissed her cheek when she told him that she was leaving, asking Mark to be with her until she climbed in her car and not leave her alone, although it was still day and Westport was generally a silent and not dangerous city to walk alone on the streets even in the evening. After asking Mark for this favor, Alex returned behind the counter and looked on the sly at the stranger, something he kept doing while the three of them had that conversation after Mark had joined them to have a cup of coffee with them.


    This ?disregard¡± made Erin feel strange. She knew that it was unfair for Alex for her to feel that, not while he had all the right in the world to fall in love with whom he wanted and pay attention to that woman and not her. Yet¡­ ?He didn¡¯t ever do this before. He didn¡¯t ever prefer ?another woman¡± and not me and this already hurts.¡±


    ?Do you mean the owner of that pair of black eyes from in front of the fireplace?¡± Mark asked her.


    His question took Erin by surprise. This happened because she thought that she said those words only in her head. Yet, she had whispered it and this meant only one thing - Erin Doyle was unable to control her jealousy as Alex¡¯s sister. Yet, even if she understood that, Erin didn¡¯t try to apologize for what she felt or justify her feelings. She didn¡¯t do that because she knew that Mark was eventually a smart man and that her words wouldn¡¯t have deceived him. At the same time, being Alex¡¯s friend, he might have known things about her brother and the stranger. Even so, Erin didn¡¯t dare to ask Mark about this because she thought that it would have been unfair: Alex and Mark were eventually friends and had the right to have secrets even from her.


    She asked him instead, ?Do you know her?¡±


    ?The stranger?¡±


    ?Yes. I don¡¯t know why, but I have the feeling that you know her. Actually, I¡¯ve seen you looking at her since you entered. It was natural to also see her because she¡¯s really gorgeous.¡±


    ?Are you jealous now?¡± Mark asked, smiling.


    ?Honestly?¡± Mark nodded. ?Yes, I¡¯m jealous of her because I have the feeling she steals my brother¡¯s attention and love. And yes, I know that¡¯s pathetic to have such thoughts, but I can¡¯t control this.¡±


    ?That¡¯s normal, you know?!¡± Erin looked at him, confused. ?To be jealous because of Alex. Eventually, you grew up together, shared secrets, practically talked about everything, and asked each other¡¯s opinions about things. Now, when Alex has a special interest in the stranger, you feel a certain discomfort and that you are left behind. Am I right?¡±


    ?Mostly, yes. Yet, I don¡¯t feel this because I think that she¡¯ll take Alex from me but because¡­ I feel he¡¯ll suffer because of her.¡±


    ?Do you say that because she belongs to someone else?¡±


    Erin frowned. ?Did you know that too?¡± Mark nodded. ?Why?¡±


    ?Because I saw them at ?The Helm,¡± the night I took Alex out. Using the force, by the way, because he was melancholic and immersed in thoughts. That night, passing by the restaurant, I saw her accompanied by another man.¡±


    ?Do you know him? I mean¡­ the other one?¡±


    ?By hearsay only. I¡¯ve never met him. Yet, I know his name: Jonathan Ward.¡±


    Erin winced. ?The entrepreneur? The one who has recently come to Westport to build the new port?¡±


    ?Yeah! Do you know him?¡±


    ?Let¡¯s say I had the ?honor,¡± Erin growled, irritated.


    ?Yet, you didn¡¯t seem happy with that,¡± replied Mark after a few moments of silence. Erin nodded. ?May I know why?¡±


    ?Because I have the feeling he¡¯s a jerk. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m wrong thinking this, by the way, because¡­ the night he¡¯s been introduced to me, he hasn¡¯t been with that beautiful Helen of Troy that we¡¯ve seen today in Alex¡¯s coffee shop.¡±


    Mark smiled. ?It was a dinner party, Erin. He might have gone alone there for a business meeting, as all the dinners you have are related to that: business.¡±


    Erin forced a smile. ?Maybe you are right and such business parties are boring for certain ladies. Yet¡­ Mister Ward wasn¡¯t alone that night but with another woman, Mark. And, as I said, that woman wasn¡¯t his girlfriend but a blonde. Who was the ?other one,¡± I can¡¯t tell you because I¡¯ve never seen her before. Even so, judging by their behavior, although they weren¡¯t alone there, I understood that there was something more than business between them. And, honestly, I can¡¯t understand him. I can¡¯t understand how he can be with someone who isn¡¯t even half of the one from in front of the fireplace, not when he has such a beautiful girlfriend. This suggests to me that he¡¯s undoubtedly a jerk.¡±


    ?He¡¯s not the first man doing this and won¡¯t be the last one, Erin. I mean, he¡¯s not the only man who cheats on his girlfriend with women who aren¡¯t as good as her. Yet, this doesn¡¯t mean he doesn¡¯t respect or love her.¡±


    ?Well, Mark, I think differently. Why? When you love someone, you never cheat on him. That¡¯s why I hope Alex will be courageous enough to take her from him because the stranger seems to be a good woman. They deserve to be happy, together, and not with bastards that only hurt them.¡±


    Saying this, Erin felt irritated. Mark even thought that Erin talked like that because of her own experience and not because of the stranger. That¡¯s why he looked behind her, confused, when Erin quickened her pace and left him a few meters behind her. Because of this, Mark even felt that Erin betrayed him because if she talked like that about ?another man,¡± it meant she had feelings for that one and not for him. And yes, Mark Flynn had waited for years for Erin Doyle to see him and stop being alone and unhappy without her.

 CHAPTER 8: IN THE RHYTHM OF YOUR FOOTSTEPS

    ?The woman is like the roses, Alex: she belongs only to that man who dared to take the scissors in his hand and clean her thorns without hurting her or destroying her beauty,¡± kept ringing in Alex¡¯s ears since Mark and Erin left, leaving him alone.


    What his sister told him made Alexander understand that maybe he was wrong when he thought that it wasn¡¯t fair for a man to take another one¡¯s woman. Yes, maybe he was wrong thinking like that because, you see¡­ ?What about my heart? Does it really deserve to suffer for an entire life while I¡¯m thinking about someone else¡¯s happiness? Definitely not because people generally do this: they, first of all, think about themselves, their happiness and fulfillment, and only after this they think about others. If they have time and inner resources to do that, of course.¡±


    Yet, it wasn¡¯t fair for him to do that. He felt this with his heart: that he had to stay away from that man¡¯s relationship because he wouldn¡¯t have liked another one to do the same to him. At the same time, his heart didn¡¯t let him do that¡­ a heart that was strangely pouncing in his chest, not allowing him to freely breathe while thinking about her when Helen of Troy wasn¡¯t with him. Actually, he was unable to breathe normally even at that moment, although she was there, so close to him, and he felt this knowing that she wasn¡¯t his.


    Thinking about this, Alex smiled. He sadly smiled because he understood how weird he could be, thinking about himself as a rival. ?And¡­ I¡¯m not my only rival, by the way. That Worthy man is another one,¡± he thought eventually. And yes, he was strange because, you see, thinking about someone else¡¯s happiness, he got to split into two equal parts: the in-love Alex and the Punisher, two opposite He that couldn¡¯t get to an agreement no matter what, at least not an agreement related to his feelings for her.


    Yet, the two opposite sides of Alexander Doyle decided the same thing when they realized that she didn¡¯t have any guilt in that story. He fell for her alone on that rainy day when he¡¯d seen her heading toward his coffee shop. He¡¯d also been the one who started to dream of her and want her with him, taken from the other one while she, not knowing anything about Alex¡¯s thoughts, could only exist, smile even if not at him but at the other one, dream with his rival, but living in the heart of the hopeless romantic forever. Yes, Kate had a special place in Alex¡¯s heart, the one who didn¡¯t dare to talk to her, but who wanted her with him so much.


    Eventually, he sighed and left the cloth of night act up, without being spied on by his blue eyes. Yes, that pair of blue eyes left the streets and the night alone and focused on her again, the one who kept reading in front of the fireplace, paying no attention to him. This hurt Alex a lot: her indifference, her disregard, and that she wasn¡¯t seeing him, although he would have wanted that Helen of Troy to see only him and consider him her Paris. Later, in love with him and having no deal with the world, to hide at his chest and dream of a life together while two hearts - their hearts - were beating at the same time, somehow in the rhythm of the Clock of Time.


    Yet, she didn¡¯t dream about him but about another man. or maybe she was just dreaming of that beautiful love story that she was reading at that moment?! Alex wasn¡¯t that sure. All he knew was that her presence pleasantly filled him inside and, despite the sadness and melancholy felt in his soul for knowing her there but that she wasn¡¯t his, Alex was still happy. Yes, he was really happy because he could be with her at least this way - in his dreams and not in hers, although he would have liked to be otherwise.


    Suddenly, when the piano keys had been heard in the distance, both Alex and Kate winced. None of them knew why they did that because of the pleasant music, but they still did it. At the same time, they considered that music so beautiful, giving them comfort as if their souls, starving for love and longing for it, waited for that melody in particular. It was a beautiful piano song that was heard in the man¡¯s coffee shop, something that reminded them that there was still happiness in this world and that it wasn¡¯t only written in a song that had been eventually played by someone at the piano.


    Because of the same melody, Kate left the book on her lap eventually and closed her eyes. She did that, feeling a strange desire inside: to stay with her eyes closed for a while and be spoiled by the pleasant warmth felt from the flames from the fireplace. A warmth that she considered a kind of light breeze of a spring wind that touched the strings of her soul, making that piano song so similar to the one sung by their hearts. Then, when she felt the music with all her body, Kate leaned against the back of the armchair, closed the book, leaving it on her lap after that, and allowed herself to dream. Yes, she did that, even if that place might have been a strange one to do that: to dream of the dance of the sea and the song of the seagulls above the water when she was inside a coffee shop and not at the beach, a place where she felt not the salty smell of the sea but the sweet-sour aroma of coffee.


    Kate wasn¡¯t the only one dreaming. Alex did the same. He was sitting on the windowsill, with his back to the window and the rest of the world, watching only Her. He was dreaming while having his eyes wide open and not closed as she seemed to do. Yes, he was also dreaming but not of the same thing as Kate because while she dreamt that she was dancing barefoot on the sand of a beach, kissed by the cold waves of the sea, he was dreaming that he was with her in that coffee shop¡­ only they were there.


    Yes, they were alone there. They were hugging each other in front of the fireplace, sitting on a white big bear fur that was on the floor next to one of the armchairs. He was leaning his back against that armchair, wearing a white shirt while she kept her head on his shoulder, dreaming while having her eyes closed. He considered her so beautiful at that moment, wearing the same black dress she wore that night at ?The Helm.¡± What was different in Alex¡¯s dream was that Kate wore that black dress only for him that night, making him the happiest man in the world. Yes, he was undoubtedly the man who loved the most at that moment, having her like his woman and not like an untouchable muse, as she appeared in his life to be with him forever as he would have liked to be.


    ***


    Seeing her leaving his coffee shop that evening, Alex decided to do at least something to calm his heart that was strangely pouncing in his chest and didn¡¯t let him freely breathe. What exactly he should have done that evening, he didn¡¯t know because he couldn¡¯t understand what could have tied them. He could have invented a reason to be with her, but he considered this weird and childish because¡­ how to chat up with that beautiful woman without knowing what exactly he should have told her?! Yes, Alex really didn¡¯t know what they could have talked about because, you see, she hadn¡¯t ever told him something about her or talked to him about something in particular. She only thanked him for the coffee and that¡¯s all. No, wait: she had told him once that she had felt good in his coffee shop. And, starting that night, he was smiling each time he thought about what she had said. ?I also felt like a teenager since then. A kid with a pure heart, undoubtedly in love with her - a fairy from the tales, one about whom the man can always dream, even if he¡¯s sure that she won¡¯t ever be with him, allow him to hold her hand, or deeply breathe in the scent of her hair, telling her that he loved her.¡±


    Suddenly, Alex winced. ?What the hell am I talking about?¡± He whispered. ?I have definitely lost my mind if I still dream of a kiss when I¡¯m not even able to make up a reason to talk to her. That¡¯s why, Alex: you should know your place and stop dreaming of the impossible. Yeah, you can dream of friendship¡­ you have this right because you won¡¯t hurt anybody by only being her friend. Only yourself, but¡­ it¡¯s better to be the only one suffering and not her because¡­¡±


    Not finishing his thought when he felt the need to do something that night for her or at least to talk to her, Alex jumped from his place behind the counter, leaving the cups he intended to wash. And, grabbing his coat, which he put on while walking, he ran out of the coffee shop, intending to catch up with her. Not seeing her anywhere made him a little nervous because it looked as if she vanished somewhere. Yes, she¡¯d been in front of him until not long ago because he looked behind her while she was leaving as he did every single evening she was coming to the coffee shop. Then, turning his back to the window, intending to wash the cups, she disappeared. In only seconds, she vanished somewhere. ?Did her boyfriend pick her up with his car?¡± Alex thought, stopped in the middle of the road. ?No, it can¡¯t be because I haven¡¯t heard her talking on the phone while she was still inside. I didn¡¯t also hear that she received a text message or something. And, judging by the rhythm of her footsteps while she moved away from the coffee shop, she gave the impression that she intended to have a walk and not that she rushed somewhere because someone was waiting for her.¡±


    This thought warmed Alex inside, making him smile. Then, he ran down the street again, where he had seen her heading when she left the coffee shop. While running, he thought that he¡¯d have the chance to catch up with her. Then, in the rhythm of her footsteps, he¡¯d have a walk with her and be with her for a little bit longer.


    Already down the street, Alex didn¡¯t see her though. He looked in front, at the large street that led downtown, but he saw nobody there. He also didn¡¯t see anybody when he looked to his right, at the small park and at those few wooden benches on which the locals used to stay in the evenings, listening to the music of the surroundings. What was left was the narrow street from his left. Yet, he thought that his beautiful Helen of Troy couldn¡¯t have chosen that street to have a walk that night. That street was too dark and somehow ill-reputed, even if Westport was considered a calm town, with low criminality. Even so, you don¡¯t know what can cross someone¡¯s mind when it¡¯s dark and he meets a lonely woman in his way when nobody¡¯s around and it is dark all over.


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    This thought convinced Alex to choose that street too. He told himself that even if she hadn¡¯t taken that street, he would at least make sure she was safe that night. And, if he hadn¡¯t found her on that street, it would have meant that someone had taken her in his car or maybe she had taken a taxi eventually. Thus, making sure she was safe, he would have been able to sleep that night and dream of the next time he¡¯d see her again.


    The thought that she hadn¡¯t taken that street because it was dark and narrow had been wrong eventually. Kate turned left and took that street that night because she was too immersed in thoughts and didn¡¯t spot where her steps led her. She realized that she had mistaken the route when two men, who suddenly appeared from the darkness of that street, blocked her way.


    Seeing them in front of her, Kate stopped and carefully looked at them. She wasn¡¯t skittish generally. Yet, aware that she was alone there while they were two, Kate started to fear. She could have turned back, but she thought that maybe it wasn¡¯t the case and that they simply headed toward her because they took that shortcut to get to the main road. She understood she¡¯d been wrong in thinking this when she heard one of them saying, ?Which way, pretty bird?¡±


    Kate didn¡¯t answer. She just looked for her phone in her small purse, thinking of threatening them with calling the police if they hadn¡¯t left her alone. The fact she ignored them made the second individual react. And, grabbing her left hand in which she held the phone, he made her wince and stare at him. Then, Kate told him through her teeth, ?Let go of my hand!¡±


    ?What if I don¡¯t do that?¡± He told her in a thick voice, although he tried to use a playful one.


    ?I call the cops!¡± Kate confidently told them, staring at both of them. Her words made them burst into laughter.


    ?Go ahead!¡± The first one who talked to her said. Then, taking a step toward her, hands in his pockets, he told her, ?Yet, if you call the police, you should have a good reason for doing this. Otherwise, you can be accused of a fake call and pay for that, don¡¯t you think so?¡±


    ?Maybe it would have been a fake call if you hadn¡¯t blocked my way. Yet, once you have done that, it can¡¯t be called a fake alarm. Do you know why? Because nobody stops a lonely woman on a dark and narrow street when you are two. It would have been true even if you had been the only one doing that because if a woman has no intention to talk to you, you just continue walking and leave her alone!¡±


    ?I don¡¯t see why we should do that!¡± The second individual told her, making Kate wince and look at him, scared, at all happy with the tone of his voice. He instead, strangely smiling, approached her ear and whispered, ?I mean¡­ I don¡¯t see why we should keep walking when all we do is try to get acquainted with a beautiful lady. Is this a crime too?¡±


    Kate didn¡¯t answer again. She only swallowed hard, feeling a strange knot in her stomach. She hated that feeling but she didn¡¯t know what to do to get rid of it. Maybe she would have stopped feeling it if the two individuals had left her alone. Yet, judging by their weird grins, they seemed determined not to let her go, at least not that soon.


    Someone¡¯s footsteps, whom she heard running toward them, somewhere behind her, made Kate wince again. She even stared at that place, thinking that a third idiot was approaching her, something that would have endangered her for sure. ?Or maybe not?!¡± She caught a thought crossing her mind when she saw the man, who had been squeezing her hand by then, releasing her and taking a step back. This let her know that the third man who was approaching them wasn¡¯t someone they knew. This meant that someone saw her there and, thinking she might have been in danger, decided to help her.


    She wasn¡¯t at all wrong thinking about this because she recognized the third man as being the owner of the coffee shop ?Aisling.¡± This gave her a certain confidence because even if she didn¡¯t know him well, he seemed to be a good man, and she understood this even if they had barely exchanged a few words. He also seemed someone to trust because if he was there, it meant he¡¯d seen her turning left on that narrow and dark street. And, knowing that it might have been dangerous to be there alone, he followed her.


    What amazed Kate more than this was to hear him calling her name and telling her after that, ?Have I let you wait for me too much, sweetheart?¡± Alex said that the moment he got next to her and, holding her hand, he pulled her toward him.


    Kate said nothing. She only looked at his hand, which was tightly holding hers as though he was trying to give her confidence. At the same time, his warm hand warmed hers, which was so cold - partly because of the cold weather of November and partly because of the scare. Also because she was scared, she stuck her hand to his, wrapping her fingers around his. Then, when she could control herself, she approached Alex more, touching his arm with her other hand when she told him, ?No, it wasn¡¯t that much. Even so, I managed to get lost here, and these gentlemen had been kind enough to tell me which way to take to get to the hotel.¡±


    Hearing her talking like that, the individuals excused themselves and moved away. They did that because it was one thing to mess with a lonely lady. Yet, there was a different thing to have to deal with the individual that was with her, one whom they had recognized as being the owner of the coffee shop from the corner of the street that was by the park. Yes, they recognized Alex even if it was so dark around. At the same time, they left also because they knew what family he belonged to. And, once everybody in town knew that nobody dared to mess with the Doyle family, which was respected and influential, more than because of fear, they decided that they should have better looked for prey in another place than take her from a Doyle, with whom they could have had big problems eventually.


    Left alone, Kate suddenly withdrew her hand, making Alex wince. Then, he stared at her for a while, confused, after he had looked behind the two individuals all that time to make sure they were leaving. It¡¯s when he looked at her and stuttered, ?I make a pardon! I just¡­ wanted to make them leave!¡±


    ?There¡¯s nothing!¡± Kate whispered, hiding her hands in her pockets. ?I can understand why you¡¯ve done that,¡± she whispered after that, looking around as if she couldn¡¯t decide which way to take to get to her hotel eventually. She could have turned back, but that path was leading toward his coffee shop, and Kate decided that her decision might have been misunderstood. To continue advancing on that narrow street wasn¡¯t a good idea either. Not after she had been so scared after those two blocked her away and that it was so dark around.


    Eventually, when Alex told her, ?I¡¯ll accompany you!¡± Kate looked at him, confused.


    ?Where?¡± She asked him after that, although she didn¡¯t understand the meaning of his words.


    ?Where your footsteps will lead us eventually,¡± the man whispered, somehow nervous. He really felt clumsy next to her, exchanging more than two words with her than ?Your coffee¡± or ?Thank you!¡±


    Kate clumsily smiled. She did that, understanding that it was the first time when someone offered to accompany her and this was because he¡¯d seen that it was dark around or because he was afraid to leave her alone, as it seemed that Alex from the coffee shop ?Aisling¡± was doing at that moment. This thought warmed her inside. She knew it wasn¡¯t fair to do that because she had a boyfriend when Alex seemed to have been interested in her, and she understood that after she had spotted him spying on her a few times. That¡¯s why she said eventually, ?That¡¯s not necessary. To waste your time, I mean. I can get to the hotel alone.¡±


    ?No bother at all! I was¡­ going for a walk anyway,¡± Alex lied to her, suddenly looking elsewhere.


    Kate smiled. ?Such a trivial reason,¡± she caught another thought crossing her mind. After that thought, she felt that she even blushed. That¡¯s why she looked elsewhere, touching her both cheeks when she felt them burning. They were probably as red as the fire at that moment, something that made her seem like a teenager, who had been deeply touched by the words of the most popular boy in school when he had told her he loved her. This feeling made her feel ashamed because you see¡­ she was an adult woman eventually, and adult women never blushed like teenage girls. She was relieved that it was dark all around and he didn¡¯t see her red cheeks. At the same time, she¡¯d been also helped by the cold wind that suddenly started to blow, just to help her hide her teenage shame and keep her dignity - like that untouchable ancient Goddess.


    Eventually, understanding that she should have said at least something, accepting or turning down his offer to accompany her to the hotel, Kate looked at the man, whom she saw watching her and waiting for her answer. That¡¯s why she didn¡¯t dare to say anything. She only nodded, letting him know that she accepted his offer. After that, feeling so clumsy, Kate turned her back to him and headed up the street where she had been heading when she was still alone.


    Alex followed her right away. He didn¡¯t quicken his pace but stepped at a reasonable distance from her, giving her the chance to clear her mind and recover from the earlier scare. He did that because he was sure that Kate had been scared, even if only a little bit. It couldn¡¯t be different because if she hadn¡¯t been scared when the two men blocked her way in that dark street when she was alone, she wouldn¡¯t have grabbed his arm as she did and wouldn¡¯t have talked to him so kindly as though she was definitely his girlfriend.


    In the end, realizing that he got to her right, although he was sure he had been walking in the same rhythm, Alex winced and looked at her, scared. He was afraid that she would think that he looked for more than friendship between them. Yet, Kate didn¡¯t look at him. She only squeezed her fists: probably because of concern or maybe cold. After that, she put her hands into her pockets, trying to hide the feelings she had too.


    Her small gesture, of clumsiness or maybe teenage nervousness, although both of them were more than thirty already, made Alex smile. He also felt happy when he finally understood that if he could catch up with her it wasn¡¯t because he quickened his pace but because she walked slower, giving him the chance to set up the rhythm of his footsteps to be exactly her rhythm. At the same time, Alex thought that this couldn¡¯t be a simple coincidence and that she probably also didn¡¯t consider him just another human being.

 CHAPTER 9: KATE

    Alex felt so good walking side by side with her. He felt as though the world had stopped and they were the only ones on that narrow, barely illuminated street. Only he and her were in a parallel world to the one where he¡¯d lived alone by then, a world where his heart and soul were alive, and where he wasn¡¯t living anymore only through the eyes of others. And, eager to be with the one that made him dream of her so many times before and melancholic, Alex told himself that it wouldn¡¯t be anything wrong if the way to the hotel would have been thousands or maybe more times longer than it really was. He wanted that, to be able to feel for longer the scent of the ripe chestnuts that was felt from her¡­ so pleasant that he often caught himself smiling.


    He winced eventually when he heard her asking, ?Something happened?¡±


    ?Like?¡± The man answered with another question, shy.


    ?I don¡¯t know. I just feel something strange.¡± Then, Kate kept silent, realizing that she was talking without thinking and somehow recklessly. She said that when she saw him smiling, and she didn¡¯t understand why he was doing this. Since they started to walk together, none of them said anything funny. They only set up their footsteps to have the same rhythm, just as their hearts seemed to have the same beats. ?Like the sound of the piano keys in an empty room,¡± Kate caught herself thinking. Then, she smiled, feeling weird, as she hadn¡¯t ever felt before, not while walking side by side with another man.


    Yes, he was a stranger and not her man. A stranger who was with her at that moment, advancing on that narrow and dark street just to make sure she¡¯d get safely to the hotel that night. Her soul instead, the one named Jonathan Ward, didn¡¯t even bother to text her that day and ask her if she ate something or if she missed him or be together. No, Jonathan hadn¡¯t probably ever asked her such things and seemed so cold with her, especially lately.


    ?Others instead can be so warm even with the strangers,¡± Kate thought, suddenly feeling her heart strangely pouncing in her chest. She felt that when she understood that cruel truth about her relationship, for the umpteenth time. ?One that seemed so durable to me, but which might be ephemeral.¡± Then, Kate sighed. She closed her eyes for a few moments, focusing her mind only on the sound of his footsteps¡­ those footsteps that were secretly having the same rhythm as hers. At the same time, Kate had the feeling that those footsteps were whispering a secret to her, like ?We are here! With you! So¡­ don¡¯t ever fear the world, your secrets, or us!¡±


    All this was strange. Kate didn¡¯t fear anything at that moment, although she was with a man who was a stranger to her, a man whom she had met by chance in a coffee shop and then on the street. Nevertheless, she felt so good with him. She felt safe and a real woman, a feeling she hadn¡¯t ever had with another man. She hadn¡¯t felt all this even when she was with Jonathan, for whom she fell so hard and whom she declared the eternal king of the castle of her soul eventually.


    Yet, maybe she¡¯d rushed a little to do that. Maybe she¡¯d been wrong in falling in love as she did, thinking that fate would eventually find its own rhythm and make their heart beat in the same rhythm. Yet, this didn¡¯t happen, not even after three years of relationship, and this really hurt. Yes, all this hurt like hell because, you see¡­ the one she loved and to whom she gifted herself completely, hadn¡¯t ever been able to set his steps in the rhythm of her footsteps. The stranger instead, whom she knew for a few days only, managed to do that in a single evening. He managed not only to set the rhythm of his steps to have the same speed, but he had also held her hand and so kindly told her ?Sweetheart,¡± something Jonathan hadn¡¯t done for a long time, or maybe ?Never!¡±


    All this made Kate smile again. She bitterly smiled, looking to her left this time, trying not to let the stranger understand that she felt so weird next to him. Kate felt so strange that she got to compare him with her boyfriend, finding so many differences but no similitude. At the same time, Kate didn¡¯t want to accept a tough truth that night - that the stranger had strengths that she hadn¡¯t ever found in Jonathan, and one of these was the care for her. ?A care I missed so much, just as I missed not feeling myself a stranger in a world full of people.¡±


    ?What are you thinking so intensely?¡± Alex finally asked her, making Kate wince. Then, also wincing, because he found his question not proper for the relationship they had at that moment, Alex rushed to say, ?If it¡¯s something others can know, of course.¡±


    ?Why shouldn¡¯t my thoughts be something others shouldn¡¯t know?¡± Kate responded, smiling. She didn¡¯t look at him but at her feet, which she found so lonely at that moment. ?I think about people,¡± she added after a short while of silence.


    Her answer amazed and confused Alex at the same time. That¡¯s why he looked at her for a while, waiting for the woman to say something else. Yet, Kate was silent. The woman whom he fell for but who wasn¡¯t his also seemed confused and thoughtful, and her glance was sad at that moment. ?Does she feel all this because of people?¡± He wondered. ?Probably yes because people can be so cruel sometimes.¡± Loudly he asked, ?Why exactly do you think about people tonight? Or¡­ should I ask what they have done wrong to you?¡±


    Kate finally looked at him. She looked at Alex because she found his question strange but still pleasant. If he was interested in her thoughts, this meant they had a conversation and not a monologue as it had happened to her so many times before with others. Kate also found the man interesting, that man who was walking side by side with her and who hadn¡¯t lost sight of her even for a second. She also found him mysterious, especially his blue eyes that were so strangely and beautifully shining in the blind light of the night. ?Eyes where a woman will lose herself forever if he allows that,¡± Kate thought, smiling again. She smiled so beautifully, managing to confuse Alex again. He even felt clumsy and shy, as he hadn¡¯t felt before next to someone. That¡¯s why he rushed to look in front, trying to hide his nervousness from her because¡­ he really didn¡¯t want to seem strange in her eyes. In others¡¯eyes yes, but never in her eyes.


    He looked at Kate again when she said, ?I was talking about people in general. About their weirdness and the fact that they exist. We always see them walking by us, we think about their look, how they walk, smile, or the words they might say or might have said. Yet, what we never think about is their thoughts, the feelings these people might have, and the life they might have, a totally different life than ours, in many of the cases if only judging by appearances.¡±


    She was right at that moment. Alex also knew that very well: that people often judge by appearances, never asking others what there¡¯s in their soul or what happens to them at that moment. He also knew that many people do that because they are bored or because of the routine and longing to be spotted by others. People generally do that, thinking that if they talk about others, other people will talk about them. Thus, they would stop feeling so lonely. ?Just as I think that people often don¡¯t think about themselves or their life.¡±


    ?What makes you think about this? A story in particular?¡±


    ?No. Just thoughts¡­ a kind of continuation of your thoughts. It might be something I think too. Yet, I haven¡¯t ever thought about this before. Just as I must accept that I haven¡¯t ever thought about the souls of those who pass by us, those who we never notice passing by.¡±


    Kate smiled. ?A shadow.¡±


    This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    Alex winced. ?A shadow? What do you mean?¡±


    ?We¡­ people! We are a kind of shadow in this world. At least¡­ I notice that the majority of people live like that: somehow isolated by others, hidden from the sun, somehow lonely. They live like that not because they like to do that but because they don¡¯t know how to make others notice them.¡±


    ?You know, others simply enjoy living like that. Yes, some people feel good if others don¡¯t notice them and leave them to live as they want. Thus, they have time for dreams, longing, and ideals.¡±


    ?And steal books,¡± Kate jokingly said, making Alex look at her in amazement.


    ?To steal books? Who exactly?¡±


    ?You, for example! And the book you¡¯ve picked up from the park, which can be seen on the counter in your coffee shop today.¡±


    Alex also smiled. ?You saw it.¡±


    ?It wasn¡¯t actually difficult because¡­ it¡¯s a book I can recognize from miles due to the cover. I have to accept that¡¯s unusual and somehow in contrast with the color of the eyes of the one about whom the story is.¡±


    ?A pair of blue eyes.¡±


    ?Just like yours,¡± Kate caught another thought crossing her mind while deeply looking into the man¡¯s eyes. And, doing this, Kate understood one thing: she was looking at the man who walked side by side with her not like at a stranger but like at the man who made her feel safe and so good that night.


    ***


    It was already past 11 p.m. when Kate finally entered her hotel room. She returned to her room, after walking on the streets for hours with the stranger, a thief of books, who eventually stole her thoughts too. Unwillingly, she was thinking about him again, and about that ?Sweetheart¡± he said that night, something fugitive and so kind at the same time. Then, it was that hold of hands that warmed her inside.  ?A hold of hands that made me feel so good,¡± her lips murmured eventually. Then, she smiled, sticking her back to the door and looking at the hotel room that was empty at that moment.


    That room wasn¡¯t only empty but also cold. It was so cold there, despite the good fire from the fireplace, which the hotel employees took care to ignite for their clients to feel better staying there. Yet, not even this way, they did not manage to enter Kate¡¯s soul because, instead of that fire, she would have liked not to be ?alone¡± when she turned back home. At the same time, she would have liked to see HIM there and not the fire in the fireplace.


    Yes, Kate would have undoubtedly liked to see Jonathan waiting for her at least that night at the hotel. Yet, he wasn¡¯t there. He wouldn¡¯t have probably come even after this, as he had done so many times before. Jonathan hadn¡¯t stopped by there for many days, something that made Kate often wonder if there was still love between them or if it was just a loneliness that was lived together and from far away.


    Such thoughts about loneliness made Kate sigh. Then, she crawled her legs until she got by the bed, on which she sat right away. She felt her shoulders hunched and her soul overwhelmed because of time and thoughts. She felt a stranger in her own skin. All this was undoubtedly because of regrets, inner weakness, that unshared love, and the care of the stranger for her. Yet, the one she loved more than her life didn¡¯t seem to feel the same. This hurt. The world¡¯s ?betrayal¡± hurt her like hell because she would have liked the whole world to ignore her and consider her a shadow, but Jonathan to see her, appreciate her for what she was, and love her just because she existed. This remained a simple desire she couldn¡¯t fulfill because Jonathan hadn¡¯t ever asked her about this, just as he hadn¡¯t ever asked her about her feelings. He just passed by her sometimes, kissed her on the run when he was leaving, and he did that because she insisted on being kissed when they were seeing each other, and then left with ?important business,¡± having no free time for her.


    Yet¡­ was he so busy that he didn¡¯t have even a few minutes a day for her? No, Kate was sure that it wasn¡¯t anything like that in most of the cases. Even so, he was telling her all that more often than she would have liked to hear. What was worse than this was that not Jonathan told her about his busy schedule but his secretary, Susan, a blonde with big green eyes. ?A real human doll,¡± as she had heard so many people talking about Ward¡¯s secretary because Susan Doyle was really beautiful, much more beautiful than Kate would have liked her boyfriend¡¯s secretary to be.


    Kate couldn¡¯t change this though. She didn¡¯t have either the power to change Jonathan or bring her back to her. Kate didn¡¯t even have the power to give some orders to his secretary because Jonathan had forbidden her to do that right from the first day when they met. He did that, saying to Kate that it was improper for her, his girlfriend, to be involved or somehow related to his work. His requirement seemed strange to Kate because she would have liked to know everything related to him. HE instead kept her away from him, acting coldly with her even when he held her hand when they were out. Ward was also coldly kissing her when they were splitting in some place and, even on the nights when he ?wasn¡¯t that busy and had time to be with her,¡± he seemed cold with her.


    At first, those ?available¡± evenings were almost every day. Then, he stopped by Kate¡¯s apartment less and less that Kate lost the number of days they¡¯d been together. They even got to talk by phone rarely and see each other only if Kate insisted on that. After a while though, they weren¡¯t seeing each other, not even if Kate called him and told him that she missed him. Ward was telling her instead not to be a child because he had work to do and that if he was busy, it was because he wanted them to live better in the future.


    That ?to live better in the future¡± would have been equal to the poverty lived together for Kate. She would have liked Jonathan to spend more time with her and not work that much for ?them to live better.¡± You see, ?Nobody is happy living alone, not even if he has a lot of money in his pocket or bank account. Yes, maybe some people prefer that. Maybe others prefer to live comfortably, having money for shopping, traveling, and fun. Kate instead would have given up on all the money Jonathan put into her account every month to ?compensate the days he was missing¡± instead of being with her even for a few minutes. Yet, she would have liked that at least from time to time to go somewhere together, to hold her hand more often while walking side by side on the street or in the park, kiss her lips before going to sleep, and hold him into her arms and not a cold pillow in a room as cold as he was with her.


    Such wishes Jonathan hadn¡¯t ever noticed on her. He seemed at all interested to know what Kate wanted because, each time she told him about her dreams, he was sending more money but never gave her his attention. She received money to buy dreams, but she hadn¡¯t ever been able to buy with that money those feelings Kate was starving for.


    That night though, although Kate didn¡¯t ask for them, she received feelings for free. She received them from a stranger who had held her hand just to protect her from two strangers who were bothering her on the street. He had even called her ?sweetheart¡± with such a sweet voice, something she had seen only in books or movies, and this moved her inside and made her happy. It was impossible for her not to feel all this because you see¡­ who wouldn¡¯t have liked her hand to be held by a handsome man, with blue eyes, from whom such a pleasant coffee scent and warmth was felt?! Yes, she felt so intensely the soul warmth at him, something Kate considered that it was impossible to find in a stranger. ?As though there is a huge fireplace in his soul, one where the fire always burns, gathering warmth in an invisible sack, just to make sure he¡¯d have enough to share with other people after that. Soul warmth that one finds in people so rarely because people nowadays are busy only caring about themselves and never about paying attention to others. Alex instead¡­ he¡¯s not only interested in sharing his warmth with the strangers, but he also seems to care about them and them to be happy and fine.¡±


    These thoughts made Kate smile again. She was somehow overwhelmed by the attention she received that night, although she didn¡¯t ask for it. Even so, she had to accept that she missed it so much because she was also a human and wanted to be loved and love someone. More than that, Kate wanted to stop feeling so lonely. She desperately wanted that because loneliness could be overwhelming sometimes. That¡¯s why she told herself eventually when she finally understood that all she wanted at that time from Jonathan and those she cared about wasn¡¯t their attention or hearing the words ?Still, I love you,¡± but to be with her, sharing their soul warmth with her. If they had done this, Kate would have undoubtedly stopped feeling herself a Shadow among other shadows that restlessly wandered the world. She would have done this if she had found her source of warmth to melt the ice and the coldness from her soul. At the same time, she had to accept that she wanted to have someone she could count on when it was so hard for her and whom to tell ?Still, I felt so good with you today.¡±

 CHAPTER 10: THOUGHTS

    A lot of thoughts took over Alex after that unexpected walk he had with his beautiful Helen of Troy, who had stolen his heart on that rainy day, having no intention of giving it back to him. Those were thoughts about them, about the world, ideals, and, not the least, about love. Especially, those were thoughts about how pathetic he¡¯d been that night, how clumsy and weird he had been next to a beautiful woman whom he wanted with him but toward whom he couldn¡¯t find the right path, even if this was the only true desire he had really had in his life.


    With such thoughts in his head, Alexander spent more than half an hour in the hot shower. He clearly felt the hot water on his skin, even if he thought it was only his imagination. All this was undoubtedly because his mind wasn¡¯t focused at that moment but wandered those narrow and dark streets, walking side by side with her, and stealing a smile from her with his innocent questions. He was also watching her on the sly, so amazed to see how beautiful she could be. Unlike him, that beautiful Helen of Troy was looking only at the autumn asphalt, as it was characteristic of an ancient goddess - to look only in front and never at the one who¡¯s by her side, even if she set up the rhythm of her footsteps after the rhythm of his.


    Alex felt so good thinking about such things. He often smiled when he remembered that they finally had some time together - only he and the muse of his heart. They spent alone that time. They exchanged more than two words, looking at each other from time to time. They even held hands, something he hadn¡¯t ever thought about, although he had dreamt of her so much. Life instead, playful and naughty like a child, had given him more than he asked her for: she gave him not only time to spend with HER but also love.


    What Life didn¡¯t give to him was safety. Yes, it didn¡¯t make him sure that one day his happiness would be complete. At the same time, Alex would have liked that life to make him confident and give him the courage to find out more about her and not only her name, something he had read on her credit card when Kate gave it to him to pay the coffee that she had ordered the first day she entered his coffee shop. Then, the man read the same name on a small piece of paper, something he found between the pages of the book ?A pair of blue eyes.¡± On that small piece of paper, which was also crumpled, he read ?Kathleen O¡¯Connell, 11.11.2023.¡± It was all that was written there, but not even this gave him more information about her. What that piece of paper gave to the man was a smile because he smiled when he read those words and numbers. He smiled because he finally found out her name. It was so pleasantly resounding in his head each time he dreamed of her and asked her to look at him. ?Kate,¡± a name so loved by his heart at that moment and maybe for an entire life.


    He loved that name so much, even if he didn¡¯t have the chance to say it loudly more than a couple of times since he found it out. It happened that night when he tried to make those two individuals pay attention to him and leave her alone because it was clear that they stopped her because they had something evil in mind and not to give her some information about the road as Kate had lied to him that night. Alex had the chance to grab her hand only once and also only once he told her ?Sweetheart,¡± a word he said in his mind so many times before, but which he hadn¡¯t ever thought that he was capable of calling that name loudly¡­ not while she was still the woman of another man and not his.


    Yes, Kate O¡¯Connell was undoubtedly the woman of another man. Alex knew this truth very well, a cruel truth that broke his heart so much. Still, he couldn¡¯t do anything to change it. Why exactly he couldn¡¯t change that reality? Because he knew that nobody ever won a fight with the heart of an in-love and stubborn woman as Kathleen seemed to be. He clearly saw that love in her eyes, clapping its wings. Alex also knew the insufferable name of that bird, one he had heard only once from Mark, but which he hadn¡¯t ever dared to say loudly - Jonathan Ward. Yes, Alex didn¡¯t dare to say this name loudly not even once since he had found it out because he felt guilty in front of the other one. He felt guilty in front of that ?Worthy Rival¡± as he kept calling that man in his head. A rival he knew so little about - how he looked, his name, and the cause for why he was often seeing the other bird in Kate¡¯s eyes - the one with the name Sadness, which was black and strange, and which was also powerfully clapping its wings.


    Alex had seen the sadness in Kate¡¯s eyes that night too. He even heard her sighing once, although she tried to hide her feelings from him by watching the ground or hearing the loud knocking of the heels of her boots on that wet asphalt that was also freshly bathed by the rain. Sometimes, she even looked elsewhere and not at him, although she was afraid to watch him or, maybe, thinking that she was a shy kid, something he had also felt that night, preferred to watch the world but not his eyes.


    Alex also saw her smiling that night. She so beautifully smiled, as she had often smiled in his dreams. It wasn¡¯t the first time she was smiling in front of him because he¡¯d seen her melancholically smiling while reading in his coffee shop and even that day in the park. Yet, that evening when they had a walk together, she smiled differently, and Alex felt that, even if he barely noticed that smile because of the darkness.


    That smile, which Alex saw on her lips that evening, wasn¡¯t at all sad. The man was pretty sure of that because he felt a strange vibration in the air after this. It had been felt like a strange vibe on his skin, a kind of exchange of energy between two opposite human beings, but who were so similar at the same time. ?Did she also like me?¡± Alex wondered after this when he remembered her smile. ?Does she also feel love? Feelings she might have for me and not for him?¡± Alex thought this, this time sticking his back to the glass wall of the shower cabin, leaving the hot water to pour in foamy waves to his feet as if they were the sea waves that were touching the heart of a man in love with the world and with its perfection.


    No, this couldn¡¯t be true what he was thinking of at that moment. Undoubtedly, Kate didn¡¯t smile because she felt something for him. It had probably been because of clumsiness¡­ his clumsiness because he¡¯d been the kid that night, the one who thought that was an adult man and had the right to walk for a long time by the side of a beautiful woman. Yes, she might have smiled because of this because she might have realized that he liked her and had beautiful feelings for her. Actually, it would have been weird if she hadn¡¯t felt that. His behavior was too obvious, especially that ?Sweetheart¡± spoken with his heart. It was undoubtedly a sign that he wanted her close to him, forever if possible.


    ?It had been also because of our hands that so gently touched each other,¡± Alex melancholically whispered, closing his eyes for a few moments and falling prey to that evening, having a single image in front of his eyes - the one of their hands touching each other. This made him smile, feeling so vividly the warmth of her skin on the skin of his palm. He also felt the scent of her hair dancing like invisible waves in his soul, a scent that was simply driving him crazy because it was the scent he started to dream of¡­ silently, finding it so close to him almost in everything. This happened because Alexander Doyle lost his head completely because of love, looking for it in each passer-by that passed by his coffee shop or by him on the street, in every single cup of coffee he served to his clients every day, and even in that beloved novel that became something unique for him - ?A pair of blue eyes.¡± A novel that ?I got to consider one we share. Our novel and, undoubtedly, the novel of love.¡±


    With such weird thoughts in his head, Alex fell prey to dreaming, squatting in the small tube of the shower cabin. He had his eyes closed and she was also with him. Yes, Kate was sitting on the same bench in the park, with her head on his shoulder, silently dreaming of love while Love, the one that had the form of red leaves that autumn, somehow rusted by dreams, was dancing around them, luring them to romance and an eternity lived with passion, undoubtedly together.


    ***


    Four days have passed since that evening stroll that Kate and Alex had had together. A walk that had pleasantly warmed them inside, spurring them to dream, as if the longing to see each other again had started to live inside them. Even so, none of them tried to see the other one after that, as if they were afraid not to cut the wire of that magic if seeing the eyes of the other one. The reason? None of them was sure of this. They only felt that it would have been better not to see each other for a while. Thus, they would have understood for sure what exactly entered their souls lately and was controlling them.


    Especially, Kate was the one who avoided stopping by ?Aisling¡± or seeing Alex after this. She did that because she started to feel things that she hadn¡¯t ever thought she¡¯d feel one day. At the same time, she started to compare that stranger, who made her feel like a woman again, with the one she loved, finding so many qualities in him and so many defects in Jonathan. All this made her think about everything because you see¡­ How is it possible to admire a stranger and disdain the one to whom you gave your body and soul? This was something unbelievable for Kate. That¡¯s why, blaming the loneliness and delusions she suffered lately for that feeling, Kate decided to grab Cowardice by the hand and not the courage. Thus, she wanted to spend more time alone, thinking about everything just to find a way to come back to her senses and forget her feelings for the stranger. Feelings that had nothing to do with Love. She knew already what Happiness and Love meant because she felt them with Jonathan already.


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    Yet, that insufferable longing¡­ that longing to smile all the time and be happy, to feel yourself a teenager again as she had felt that night next to the owner of the coffee shop, started to bother her inside. It was really annoying. It even started to knock on the door of her soul more often lately, letting her know that she wouldn¡¯t ever again be lonely from that moment. If this had happened, she would have been unhappy for sure. Nevertheless, stubborn as she was, Kate preferred to keep that longing by the door and not let it enter her soul. If she had let that longing enter her being, it would have undoubtedly started to live there and she wouldn¡¯t have been ever able to get rid of it again. At the same time, she wouldn¡¯t have been able to live alone after that, as it had happened when she was still a child and started to look for happiness in her friends. Yet, not finding it there and when she finally remained alone again, she found happiness in loneliness. Then, she started to read a lot and dream of love while dancing and listening to her favorite music, something that taught her to love herself so much.


    Such thoughts finally reminded Kate about herself. ?Me, the one I¡¯ve been ignoring for so long,¡± she whispered. ?She equal to Me,¡± she murmured after that, sadly smiling and looking in front, at those reddish leaves of autumn that were so pleasantly dancing with the wind¡­ in the rhythm of her steps.


    Looking at the autumn¡¯s dance, Kate remembered herself. She remembered her childhood when she¡¯d been mostly alone and she started to love to dance and the music. Especially, she started to love classical music and the tango, studying it after that. This happened because Kate insisted so much that her parents put her to a dance school. The spouses O¡¯Connell though, who were more interested in Kate to study something reliable and not the dance, refused her at first. Yet, Kate¡¯s stubbornness and her insistence, something that ?mixed with their plans and realizations,¡± finally convinced them and, one evening in November, Marie took her daughter to a dance school, which Kate attended for years.


    At that school, Kate met kids her own age, but with none of them she became friends. She found them strange and too focused on their own and not on communication or being friends with others. That¡¯s why Kate didn¡¯t bother too much about them. She only greeted them when she entered the dance hall and then approached her dance partner with whom she hadn¡¯t ever exchanged a word because this one was a vain guy from the upper class who never appreciated others. Then, she silently waited until her dance teacher entered the class, and, after spending there two hours studying and practicing, Kate went back home. Returning home, Kate found another cold place where she was alone with the loneliness. Still, that place was one where she had time for herself and for her eternal love - classical music.


    ?Just as I have now enough time for me,¡± Kate caught herself whispering eventually. This made her wince, especially when she realized that she was talking to herself while walking through the park. And, afraid that someone could have heard her whispering those weird words, Kate raised her head and looked in front to see if there were people around her.


    Thus, she saw Alex, sitting on one of the benches, reading. This amazed her a lot because she hadn¡¯t expected to find him there. Yet, Alex wasn¡¯t only in the park that day, but he was also reading her book. He read the same book she had forgotten that day in the park, ?A pair of blue eyes.¡± Kate recognized the book because of its green cover, something that made her smile eventually, and slowly bowed her head. Then, she looked around again to make sure they were alone there. Yet, they weren¡¯t. Enough people were there that afternoon because it was a really beautiful November day, with almost twenty degrees. ?A unique pleasure¡± that allowed people to leave their houses and spend some time in the lap of nature.


    Alex did the same that day. Seeing that beautiful sun smiling in the sky and that there were only a few clients in the coffee shop, he left Robert to take care of them, and, taking the book with a green cover with him, he went to the park to read. Alex did that because he thought he¡¯d have time to stop thinking about her at least for a while if he had immersed himself in reading eventually. What he hadn¡¯t expected that day was to find her there. That¡¯s why he clumsily smiled when, feeling someone watching him, he looked to his left and saw her.


    Looking into each other¡¯s eyes, Kate and Alex smiled. They did that not like a stranger seeing another one watching him, but as two old pals who were happy to see the other one. Yes, they seemed so happy to see each other in the park that afternoon, even if each of them had tried to avoid the other one in the last few days. They avoided each other because of that insufferable longing that kept spurring them to look for the other one while whispering into their ears that it was the only way they could stop feeling lonely. Yet, both stubborn, they ignored that advice. That¡¯s why that longing, as stubborn as them probably, told itself, ?Aaa, if you ignore me, then I¡¯ll do everything to feel me even deeper.¡± That¡¯s why it led their footsteps toward the same bench that afternoon, the same bench where they¡¯d seen each other a few days ago and which seemed to be a kind of bond for that pleasant feeling they had in their souls - something that made them look for dreams and maybe for ideals.


    ***


    ?Why exactly ?A pair of blue eyes?¡± Kate asked Alex after a while when they walked together but said no word. Alex didn¡¯t answer though. He only smiled and looked at the book with a green cover for a short while, a book he had in his right hand. Then, when he felt Kate¡¯s glance focused on him, he looked into her eyes and smiled again because he felt so clumsy that she¡¯d seen him reading that book even if there wasn¡¯t anything strange in that. Yes, there wasn¡¯t anything strange about reading that book because that novel was eventually part of the classical literature that Alexander Doyle also adored. Nevertheless, even if there wasn¡¯t anything strange in reading that novel, Alex still felt confused because he wasn¡¯t to tell her that he started reading that book because of her. He was reading it because he¡¯d seen her reading the book after she¡¯d talked to him for the first time and saw that he also had blue eyes. This made him think that she was probably also thinking about him.


    Alex thought about all this, but he wasn¡¯t sure that it was true. That¡¯s why he preferred not to talk to Kate about that, but only said, ?Just¡­ I wanted to read something different today. That¡¯s all.¡±


    Kate smiled. ?It can¡¯t be different or a simple coincidence that you are reading a book that has something to do with you. Eventually, you have the same pair of blue eyes as the main character of the novel.¡±


    ?Do you think so? I mean¡­ do you think that this can be a reason to read a book? The fact that something ties you to the main hero of the story?¡±


    ?Why not? Eventually, each of us reads a book or watches a movie because something identifies us with the main characters. Yes, maybe we also do that because of the interesting subject, but¡­ I still consider that the main cause for that is because we try to find ourselves through the pages of the books or in those meaningful glances that the main characters of a movie exchange.¡±


    ?Well, you might be right in saying that. I, for example, consider that we can sometimes read a book or watch a movie only because we are bored.¡±


    Kate slowly frowned, somehow innocently. ?From boredom? And¡­ does it help you in something if the subject isn¡¯t interesting?¡±


    ?Honestly, I¡¯m not sure. I¡¯ve never tried that,¡± Alex replied, smiling. He clumsily did that when he realized that he was talking nonsense things each time he was around her. Yet, once he couldn¡¯t change anything at that moment, at least not the words he¡¯d already spoken, but only support his idea to the end, he said, ?Even so, I still consider that¡¯s a good idea to get rid of routine.¡±


    The woman from his left burst into laughter. ?I think you also don¡¯t believe what you are saying.¡±


    ?What makes you think that?¡±


    ?Your eyes! Yes, your eyes give you away because your eyes say much more things than you might believe they say to others.¡±


    Yes, Alex had forgotten that his eyes were talking more than he could talk to others. Erin told him that, not only once. Mark also seemed to have mentioned something similar once. Yet, they were people close to him, and it was normal for them to notice something like that. What he hadn¡¯t ever thought about was that a stranger, who didn¡¯t seem interested in him, could spot something like that in him. All this made Alex curious because he would have liked to know what exactly Kate thought about him. Instead of that, he asked, ?And? What else do my eyes tell to others¡­ silently?¡±


    Kate kept silent. She carefully looked at the man to her right, who was staring at her while waiting for her answer. Thus, looking at him, she saw the sea reflected in his glance. It was a calm and so beautiful sea reflected there. A sea that was dancing with its waves in the innocent glance of a man about thirty, who looked at her like at a goddess. Kate also saw the clear limitless sky there, a blue sky that washed the horizon in blue, making the green of the world - the color of life - seem so vivid at that moment. ?A color that can make me lose myself in it if I ever allow my heart to act up and never control it.¡±


    Such thoughts suddenly brought Kate to reality. Looking in front, she cleared her voice to chase the clumsiness away, and then said, ?They talk about a good heart. One that seems to be in love with the beauty of life.¡±


    ?That¡¯s all?¡±


    ?Yes. Or¡­ did you expect they¡¯d talk to me about something more?¡±


    ?Honestly, yes because¡­ it¡¯s often said that our eyes are the mirror of our soul. And, as I¡¯m not sure that I can see what¡¯s hidden inside me, I hope to hear it from others. From you.¡±


    Kate felt confused after such words. She clearly understood their meaning but she felt that it wasn¡¯t fair to say something more. She felt that it was unfair to tell the owner of that pair of blue eyes that she felt so confused and good next to him, even if Kate O¡¯Connell wasn¡¯t a lonely bird eventually. At least, she wasn¡¯t a bird that could freely fly toward the blue sky of his eyes¡­ that clear horizon reflected in his glance¡­ along with his love for her.

 CHAPTER 11: AMONG FRIENDS

    Returning to ?Aisling¡± that afternoon, after walking with Kate through the park, Alex saw Mark and Erin in the coffee shop. They weren¡¯t only there but seemed to have an interesting talk, judging by the strange position of their bodies and closeness. Yes, the two were staying too close to each other at that moment. They were so close that their elbows touched sometimes when they were sipping from the coffee Robert had served them. Their eyes weren¡¯t focused on the cup but on the other¡¯s eyes, looking at each other with a certain interest. Even a strange form of love shone in them at one point.


    Looking at them and seeing them so close to each other, Alex felt jealous. He had always been jealous of each suitor of his elder sister. Yet, he hadn¡¯t ever shown that because he knew that it wasn¡¯t fair to do that, once Erin had the right to be with whom she wanted. But¡­ Mark, really? No, it was strange to him to think about this because he hadn¡¯t ever thought about Mark as a possible suitor for his sister. Erin seemed to have also felt that all this time because she had always seen Mark only when she was with Alex and never alone, although Alex heard Flynn inviting Erin to get out sometimes¡­ only the two of them. Something could have changed meanwhile. Yes, undoubtedly, something could have changed, but Alex didn¡¯t realize that. It might have been possible because he¡¯d been too weird lately, especially after he met Kate. He¡¯d been immersed in his world, thoughtful, and incapable of seeing what happened to others or asking them what was going on in their lives. Nevertheless, Alex intended to find out things about them after that because it was his duty as Erin¡¯s brother to know what was going on with her and especially with her heart.


    Finally seeing Erin watching him, Alex smiled. ?You are back!¡± She told him in a playful voice. ?Not alone but with a beautiful lady! Have you been hunting?¡±


    Alex frowned. ?I¡¯m not a hunter. Neither the weather is good for that. Let¡¯s just say she¡¯s someone I know, and with whom I spent a short while.¡±


    ?A pleasant time, judging by your eyes where romance is seen shining,¡± Flynn joined their talk, looking at Kate this time and not at Alex. ?Or¡­ am I wrong?¡±


    ?At all,¡± replied Kate, smiling, understanding that those two seemed to tease Alex. Yet, she knew they didn¡¯t do that because of malice or envy. ?Actually, it¡¯s impossible not to spend a pleasant time with the owner of ?A pair of blue eyes.¡±


    Kate¡¯s answer made Erin take thoughts. She did that because she didn¡¯t know how to understand those words. Only when she noticed the book in Alex¡¯s hand, did Erin understand the hint and smile. ?She also thinks about him, it seems to me,¡± thought Erin, sipping from the coffee but eyes on them. She saw them acting clumsily while exchanging meaningful looks, as though they had other plans that afternoon and hadn¡¯t ever thought about the presence of two strangers with them. This made Erin ask them in a playful voice eventually, ?Did we interrupt something?¡±


    Kate winced, although she hadn¡¯t understood the meaning of that question, at least not totally. Alex instead frowned. ?Sometimes, I really don¡¯t understand what crosses your mind, Erin,¡± he rushed to say. After that, taking Kate¡¯s coat, which she took off meanwhile, he went and hung it on the hanger, going behind the counter to serve everybody with a coffee. ?Just as I don¡¯t understand why you are here when you haven¡¯t told me about this, giving me a call or texting me. Have you stepped by here because you were bored?¡± Alex asked that in an irritated tone, trying to let his sister understand that it wasn¡¯t the right time to be there, at least not that afternoon, and that it would have been a good idea to apologize and leave.


    The tone of his voice and the way he looked at Erin made Kate insistently look at Alex. She felt something strange at the two, judging by their behavior. They seemed pretty close, just as she felt that there was something unfinished between them. ?Undoubtedly a relationship because¡­ a woman can¡¯t look at a man like that without having feelings for him.¡±


    Eventually, Kate winced again when she heard Erin, who was with her back to her and staring at Alex, saying, ?You are actually right. If I¡¯m here, it¡¯s because love brought me to you.¡±


    Poor Alex widely opened his eyes, hearing Erin saying such words. Seconds later, he looked at Kate, whom he saw slowly biting her lower lip, somehow embarrassed. Mark instead was strangely grinning, a hint that that awkward situation, created between Erin, Alex, and Kate - a kind of weird love triangle - amused him so much. Yet, that situation didn¡¯t seem to amuse Alex, who understood that Erin went too far with that joke, even if she did that to tease him. That¡¯s why he told his sister in an irritated tone, taking the empty cup from her hand, ?Exaggerated love sometimes destroys more than it helps.¡±


    ?Not if you can control its flow,¡± Erin confidently replied. Then, looking at Kate, she asked, ?Don¡¯t you also think so?¡±


    ?About what?¡± Kate asked, not understanding the question.


    ?That love is a two-edged weapon and that only those really skillful can work with it without hurting themselves.¡±


    ?They can hurt others instead if they head one of the sharp edges toward the wrong person,¡± replied Mark instead of Kate, leaving his cup next to Erin¡¯s. He seemed to have intentionally done that, touching his cups of hers so gently that a pleasant chink was heard eventually¡­ as pleasant as two crystal glasses touching each other.


    Mark¡¯s reaction made Alex nervously move. He even suddenly moved Erin¡¯s cup, which still had lipstick on it, away from Flynn¡¯s, as if trying to let his friend know that he went too far with that joke. In particular, Alex wanted to let Mark know that he was aware of his game and that he wouldn¡¯t ever allow that. Why? Alex knew very well who Mark Flynn was. And, even if he was his friend and a good man, Alex still didn¡¯t want him with his sister because nobody was good for Erin in Doyle¡¯s eyes.


    The jealousy felt in Alexander¡¯s voice and that weird shining seen in his eyes when he moved the cups of coffee away from each other, staring at Mark after this, made Kate attentive. She also felt strange being there, as though she was extra in that weird love triangle between two handsome men and a beautiful woman. Then, feeling a strange impulse, she approached the hanger, intending to take her coat and leave. While heading toward the hanger, Kate said, ?I think it¡¯s better to leave. You can talk quietly after that.¡±


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    ?Not that your presence bothers us,¡± said Erin, smiling, staring at Kate this time, after turning her back to Doyle and Flynn. ?Yes, there¡¯s no problem for you to be here because beautiful women have always been welcome in this coffee shop. Especially, around the master of ?A pair of blue eyes.¡± Right, Alex?¡±


    Alex didn¡¯t answer. He only cleaned his voice. Then, pouring coffee into four cups, Alex put them on the counter. And, seeing Kate still next to the hanger and with her coat hanging over her arm, he approached her and took it from her, saying, ?Don¡¯t pay attention to them. They can be insufferable sometimes.¡±


    Looking into his eyes, Kate saw him confused. She didn¡¯t understand if he felt all that because they had been caught returning to the coffee shop together or because he found Mark and Erin there. Yes, it was undoubtedly the first reason, and not because he felt something for the other woman. No, it undoubtedly couldn¡¯t be like that because Kate felt he had feelings for her and was sincere. The stranger instead, who kept insistently looking at them, seemed to know more about that or even want more with Doyle. Eventually, he was a handsome and wealthy man, and a beautiful and confident woman, as the other one seemed to be, knew how to choose her prey and not let him escape from her claws if she really wanted that man.


    Thinking about that, Kate felt so weird. She also felt a strange knot in her stomach. ?Jealousy?¡± She wondered, wincing and staring at Alex, who was hanging her coat in the hanger again. ?For him? Impossible! Yes, that¡¯s impossible because I love only Jonathan. Still, I feel something strange being here and thinking that the other one might have feelings for Alex. I feel like a teenager who clearly sees that another girl is trying to conquer the kid I also like but whom I don¡¯t dare to approach. It¡¯s strange. I never felt this even for Jonathan, although enough beautiful women tried to conquer him. Especially, I haven¡¯t felt jealousy before, not for a man that¡¯s not mine.¡±


    She winced again when she heard the stranger saying, ?Erin Doyle.¡± Erin said that, approaching Kate, although she didn¡¯t see Erin coming toward her. She was too immersed in thoughts, spying on Alex. That¡¯s why she didn¡¯t pay attention to what was going on around them. The other one seemed to think differently though. She approached Kate first because she noticed her insistently watching the owner of the coffee shop. Thus, taking the first step toward her to greet her, Erin was showing Kate her superiority and confidence.


    ?Kathleen O¡¯Connell,¡± Kate answered, understanding that it was in bad taste to keep her rival with her hand stretched toward her without shaking it. ?You can call me Kate!¡±


    Erin smiled. ?It sounds better. Kinder and, why not, like¡­ among friends?!¡±


    ?Although, from far away, it seems a totally different relationship,¡± Mark jokingly said, sipping from his coffee. ?A kind of love triangle that can be found only in books or movies.¡±


    Alex glared at Mark, as though trying to tell him, ?What about stopping saying bullshit?¡± After that, looking at Erin, he asked, ?What about telling me why you are here, aaa?¡±


    ?I told you already: love brought me here. My love for you, undoubtedly because¡­ I¡¯m always in love with beautiful things, Alex. Especially with you.¡±


    Kate slowly bit her lower lip again. ?There is love between them,¡± she caught another thought crossing her mind. ?I wasn¡¯t wrong in thinking that Erin likes him. It¡¯s clearly seen in her eyes. She kindly looks at him, as only a woman that loves can look at the man that stole her heart.¡±


    ?You know, you are actually right in thinking like that,¡± Erin suddenly said, making Kate wince again and stare into her eyes. Kate even wondered if the stranger could read her thoughts. That¡¯s why Erin smiled when she saw the confusion in Kate¡¯s eyes, saying, ?I was talking about the fact that you are right in thinking that there might be love between us. There is love: a pure one. The love between brothers can¡¯t be different.¡±


    ?Brothers?¡± Kate murmured, confused. ?Doyle! Ah, why didn¡¯t I think about this before?¡± She wondered in her head. ?Yes, they have the same surname and, if carefully looking at them, they are so similar. Especially their eyes¡­ a pair of blue eyes.¡±


    Suddenly Kate turned back to her senses, getting rid of thoughts, which she left for later, when she saw Alex smiling. Then, reproachfully shaking his head, he told his sister, ?You and your jokes, Erin. You are the only one who can joke like that to tease others.¡±


    Erin shrugged. ?What to do?! It¡¯s funnier this way. Thus, you can meet new and pleasant people as Kate seems to be. That¡¯s why, I think that¡¯s a good idea to spend this night together¡­ the three of us. No, wait, we are four! You join us, right, Mister Flynn? What about a night with us?¡±


    Mark stared at her, both comically and confused. ?Mister Flynn? Did I do something wrong that you call me like that?¡±


    ?No, you didn¡¯t do anything wrong. For the moment. Yet¡­ I thought it would be more polite and formal to invite you to have dinner with us tonight this way. So, what do you say: are you in or out?¡±


    ?Erin,¡± whispered Alex, touching his sister¡¯s arm. ?I don¡¯t think that¡¯s the case. I also don¡¯t think that Kate has time for us. You could have asked her first.¡±


    ?I ask her now. She¡¯s here, right? Next to us. So, Kate: what about a night with us? Three strangers and you. I assure you that it¡¯ll be interesting.¡±


    Kate smiled. ?Undoubtedly. Yet¡­ I think that¡¯s not the case, as Alex said. Eventually, it seems that you have plans together. Only the three of you.¡±


    ?Plans are to be changed, like the destinies. And¡­ I don¡¯t accept a no as an answer. Think about this! Meanwhile, Mister Flynn and I will take care of the dinner. You can do whatever you want to do and, of course, think about my offer. Not for long though: only for an hour while we prepare dinner. And¡­ let¡¯s go, Flynn!¡± Erin confidently said, taking her coat from the hanger and heading toward the exit door.


    Seeing her leaving, Mark jumped from his place and left the cup of coffee, which he hadn¡¯t finished yet, on the counter. Then, also taking his coat, he left without saying a word to Kate and Alex, who stared behind them, confused. Right before getting through the half-open door, Mark glanced at them, as though trying to let them know that they had to find them there when they were back. If not, they would have gotten into trouble for sure.


    Looking behind Mark and Erin, who were moving away from the coffee shop on foot, Alex felt guilt in front of Kate, whom he had involved in that story, although involuntarily. Then, looking at her, Alex said, ?I¡¯m sorry. For what has just happened. And¡­ Erin can be rude sometimes and¡­ inopportune. Nevertheless, she¡¯s not a bad person or resentful. That¡¯s why, there won¡¯t be a problem if you turn down her offer. Eventually, you might have had other plans for tonight.¡±


    ?No,¡± replied Kate, smiling. ?I don¡¯t have plans for tonight.¡± She wasn¡¯t lying when she said that because she thought to read after leaving the coffee shop that night or sleep. Instead, she received an invitation to dinner and a stranger told her, ?Among friends.¡± That¡¯s why she couldn¡¯t turn down that offer. She couldn¡¯t do that because, besides returning the favor to Alex for defending her that night from those individuals, she could also spend a pleasant evening ?among friends.¡± Yes, even if she practically didn¡¯t know any of the three with whom she was about to have dinner, Kate was sure that they were good people and that she¡¯d have a pleasant time with them. That¡¯s why she didn¡¯t find it hard to accept the dinner invitation that night. She also did that because it would have been better for her to spend her night like that than being alone in a cold and empty hotel room.

 CHAPTER 12: NEW ILLUSIONS FOR FLYNN

    Flynn¡¯s footsteps, who rushed to catch up with her, made Erin wince eventually. After leaving the coffee shop, she focused too much on her thoughts while heading toward her car, which she parked not that far from there and wanted to use to get to the supermarket along with Mark. On the way to the car, those thoughts, which spun in her head like the bees, took control over her, making Erin forget the rest of the world for a few moments. The reason? She had felt in the stranger, the one with the beautiful name like Kathleen O¡¯Connell, that she had feelings for her brother and that Alex wasn¡¯t just another man for her.


    ?Even so, it¡¯s strange,¡± murmured Erin, eventually.


    ?What exactly?¡± Flynn inquired after he finally managed to catch up with her and set the rhythm of his footsteps after hers.


    Erin winced again, staring at Flynn, confused, while he was to her right. Then, understanding the meaning of his question, although she heard that question only partly, Erin smiled. ?Just thoughts,¡± she murmured eventually.


    ?You know, there cannot be only thoughts,¡± said Flynn, smiling. ?Do you know why?¡±


    ?Because everything that¡¯s somehow related to Alex isn¡¯t a coincidence for me?¡±


    ?You can also say so. Eventually, he¡¯s your brother and you want him to be fine. You won¡¯t deny that, right?¡±


    Erin smiled. ?Actually, no, Mister Flynn. I won¡¯t ever deny that.¡±


    ?Just as you won¡¯t ever stop calling me Mister Flynn. Something that makes me feel strange.¡±


    ?Strange? How?¡± Erin asked, slowly frowning. She was confused because of Mark¡¯s words.


    Her reaction made him smile: childishly and clumsily at the same time. Then, he said, ?Like a kid, who was caught doing something else in class and not studying as the teacher had told him to do. Actually, I heard that all the time being a child, ?Mister Flynn here, Mister Flynn there.¡± Even today I still hear Mister Flynn because of my job.¡±


    Erin burst into laughter. ?Change it then!¡±


    ?What? My job?¡±


    ?No! Your name. If you say that¡¯s something insufferable to you to hear Mister Flynn here and there, change your name and you get rid of problems too.¡±


    Mark laughed with all his heart after such words. Then, he looked on the sly at Erin, who kept smiling, making the horizon resound because of her crystalline and sweet laughter. All this pleasantly filled Flynn¡¯s soul. At the same time, he found it strange to see her eyes wildly shining each time she was laughing, even if it wasn¡¯t a violent shining. Her eyes were actually shining because Erin was that kind of free bird that wanted to fly toward the sky, so close to perfection. Something she couldn¡¯t do eventually because of the life and the duties that were always waiting for her at the office after she¡¯d taken the family business and told Alex to be free. All this chained her and blocked her freedom to the sky, tying her wings to her body just to make sure the bird Erin wouldn¡¯t ever touch the sun.


    ?Even so, she keeps flying toward new horizons in her heart,¡± Flynn caught this thought crossing his mind. ?At the same time, she¡¯s so real¡­ each time she¡¯s happy¡­ with us¡­ her friends. Yet, she¡¯d be happier if she¡¯d be in love and she had allowed me to hold her in my arms and tell her that I love her. However, I can¡¯t buy her love with dreams or passions. I can¡¯t buy it with a simple smile or jokes or just being with her. Maybe only with¡­ the hope that she¡¯d see me one day passing by her and would understand that I also live in this world, next to her, at the distance of a hand stretched to the side just to grab another hand, feel its warmth and aroma, and all this to make her not feel lonely ever.¡±


    ?The one who is strange now is you,¡± Erin suddenly said, making Mark wince.


    Looking to his left, he saw Erin looking at the asphalt and at the top of her black shoes that were barely seen from under her large white trousers. She was smiling though. Somehow clumsily and weirdly, but Erin still smiled. Yet, Flynn wasn¡¯t sure if she smiled because of what he said before or because of a thought that might have crossed her mind. That¡¯s why he asked, ?What do you mean? I mean¡­ why do you think that I¡¯m strange?¡±


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    ?Because you are,¡± Erin confidently replied. ?And, when you are acting like that, you remind me of Alex.¡±


    ?Alex?¡± Mark asked, slowly frowning. ?Why exactly do I remind you of him? Don¡¯t tell me: do I remind you of a brother?¡±


    ?No,¡± Erin whispered, eyes on him at this time. ?You remind me of an in-love man. Yes, you remind me of a man who has given his heart to a woman.¡±


    Mark smiled. ?Maybe you are right. Maybe I¡¯ve given my heart to a woman eventually.¡±


    Erin nervously moved this time. She did that discreetly, without Mark noticing something. She reacted like that because of her job and of many relationships she had left behind her: both personal and professional. All this taught her to wear a mask and show people only what they wanted to see. Thus, she also felt better because she could hide her feelings, especially her fears like losing the love of someone. Yes, Erin Doyle started to fear losing the love of someone whom she was interested in lately.


    ?Erin?¡± Mark called her name, making her wince. ?Something happened?¡±


    ?Just¡­ thoughts,¡± replied Erin, suddenly looking elsewhere. Realizing that her reaction might have made Flynn take thoughts, Erin forced a smile. And, looking into Mark¡¯s eyes again, who wasn¡¯t losing sight of her while waiting for her answer, Erin asked with a certain fake joy in her voice this time, ?May I know who¡¯s the lucky one or the fairy who has stolen your heart?¡±


    ?Is this that important?¡± Flynn asked, smiling.


    ?Absolutely,¡± Erin rushed to answer. ?You are my friend. And, once I want all those I care about to be happy, I¡¯m also interested in finding out what they feel, whom they meet, or, as it happens in your case, who has stolen your heart. Or¡­ is this a secret?¡±


    ?Honestly yes,¡± murmured Mark, somehow confused. ?I want to keep her name secret. For the moment.¡±


    ?The reason? Don¡¯t tell me: is she married?¡±


    ?No, she isn¡¯t,¡± said Mark, smiling and looking at the asphalt. ?She isn¡¯t married, but her heart belongs to someone else.¡±


    Erin squinted at him. ?Don¡¯t tell me that¡¯s the same lady that reads sometimes ?A pair of blue eyes¡± in Alex¡¯s coffee shop.¡±


    ?Again no. It¡¯s not her but another woman,¡± replied Flynn, even more confused than before. ?If I had been in love with her, I would have forgotten that love already.¡±


    ?Why exactly? She¡¯s a beautiful woman eventually. And, as I told Alex, as long as she doesn¡¯t have that man¡¯s surname in her passport and his ring on her finger, she¡¯s a free woman.¡±


    ?She¡¯s still someone else¡¯s woman, Erin. Even if we don¡¯t want that, someone else lives in her heart. That¡¯s why I think Alex has no chance with her.¡±


    ?I think differently though.¡±


    ?Why?¡±


    ?Because¡­ it¡¯s what I feel, Flynn. I feel she¡¯s not happy in that relationship. She looks lonely. She seems unhappy and eager to feel fulfilled. Trust me: a woman feels such things even better than a man.¡±


    ?Do you mean her?¡± Erin looked at him, confused. ?I mean¡­ do you really think she feels all this?¡±


    ?Undoubtedly. Yet, I wasn¡¯t talking about her when I said that ?a woman feels such things better than a man. I was talking about me.¡± Mark looked at her, even more confused than before. Erin sighed. ?I was talking about the fact that a woman feels very well when another woman isn¡¯t happy with the man whom she had given her heart to. And, trust me: I haven¡¯t passed through something similar only once.¡±


    Mark winced again, staring at the woman who suddenly kept silent. He looked at her for a very long time, thoughtful, deeply feeling the same sadness as her, a feeling that made him want to hug her suddenly and whisper to her with love, ?You aren¡¯t lonely, Erin. I¡¯m here, with you, as long as you want this.¡±


    ?Just¡­,¡± Erin murmured eventually, making him wince. ?If you hesitate too much, you can also lose.¡±


    ?What exactly?¡±


    ?Love. Just as you can lose that woman, to whom you seem to fear telling her what you feel for her. That¡¯s why, Flynn¡­ if you accept a piece of advice from a woman for another one who will be happy if she accepts your love: don¡¯t waste your time and tell her. Better: kiss her when you see her and feel that it¡¯s the time. Thus, you won¡¯t give her the chance to step back or misunderstand your intention. It¡¯s the only way you can make a woman happy and have her heart¡­ forever.¡±


    After such words, Erin quickened her pace toward the car that was only a few meters from them. She seemed sad when she left him behind, and this made Flynn think. ?Did she understand?¡± He suddenly wondered, looking behind. ?Did she understand whom I don¡¯t dare to tell about my feelings? Did she understand that I was talking about her?¡±


    ?Are you coming?¡± Erin rushed him, being already next to her car. This made Flynn quicken his pace to get next to her. Then, when Mark was only one step from her, Erin threw him her keys, telling him in a demanding tone, ?You drive! I don¡¯t want to bother myself with driving today!¡± Then, quickening her pace, she entered the car on the passenger¡¯s side.


    Flynn smiled. ?It¡¯s true. There¡¯s still hope for us, it seems to me,¡± he thought. And he was right in thinking this because Erin didn¡¯t allow anybody to drive her car, but she allowed him. She had done that only once in her life: when she had been really in love¡­ but with another man¡­

 CHAPTER 13: SOUL BONDS

    ?It¡¯s so pleasant here,¡± Kate thought, looking at Alex¡¯s apartment, which was right above the coffee shop ?Aisling.¡± That apartment was a place the man loved the most, even if others thought that it was too small and insignificant for a man like Alexander Doyle. Nevertheless, Alex didn¡¯t care too much about that, just as he didn¡¯t think about expensive and luxurious places. Instead, he preferred the small places where melancholy and longing could take him any time in their arms. And, along with love, make him ride the horse known as Longing and run as far as possible from that place toward new horizons.


    There was one more reason why Alex loved that small apartment so much: it reminded him about home. That apartment reminded him about those evenings when, still a kid, they gathered in front of the fireplace, with a cup of hot coffee or tea in their hands, and told each other stories. Yes, in such evenings, especially when the Northern wind was acting up on the streets but not in people¡¯s souls too, Alexander was so happy, quietly sitting with his head on his mother¡¯s lap, listening to her reading them stories. And her soothing voice, her sweet voice as their mother and beloved wife, made the child Alex so happy, the one who grew up eventually like a handsome man with a huge soul - a man in love with books and, undoubtedly, with people.


    Because of this, Alex wanted to find a similar place to call home when he finally left his parents¡¯nest at the age of twenty. He left that home when he went to continue studying at the College of Marketing and Business Management. Then, finally returned to Westport from Dublin where he had made his studies, he refused to return home and started to look for his own nest. The reason? Alexander Doyle had meanwhile become a kind of magic bird, in love with the beauty of the world and the ideal of the world of books.


    All this made him love so much loneliness and inner peace, a loneliness he knew he could have only when he was alone. At the same time, Alex thought that, only by being alone, the hopeless romantic that lived inside him could find his own balance and maybe the love of his life at his feet. How exactly? Sitting on the warm floor, with his head on his arms that were supported on the lap of time¡­ as he¡¯d loved to stay when he was a child and loved to dream about the world and its perfection. The child Alex hadn¡¯t dreamt only about this. He had also dreamt of love - the one undoubtedly described in books, on those pages where longing was its own master, and happiness felt somehow a stranger in that story, even though there was still happiness among the pages of those books he loved to read.


    At the same time, there was dreaming and longing in those words spoken by his soothing mother¡¯s voice, one that only Matilde Doyle could have while reading books to her children and husband, although he hadn¡¯t ever been a lover of books. Nevertheless, Conor Doyle had been a lover of beautiful things. Because of this, he tried to teach his children the real meaning of love, the one he seemed to have taken from his heart. Yet, the first thing he had taught them in life was undoubtedly to love themselves. Then, there was the love for others, whom they also had to respect. And, last but not least, Conor Doyle had taught them to respect and protect their principles because Conor was the kind of man who considered that a great man should undoubtedly be capable of defending his dreams, longing, and the perfection of his soul and mind.


    Probably because of this, old Doyle didn¡¯t stay against Alex¡¯s idea of opening a coffee shop where people could find themselves in books. He did that, thinking that that place could have been an oasis of peace for his son too, whom he had always seen agitated while being surrounded by people. He hadn¡¯t felt that agitation at his son though when he was alone, surrounded by his few friends, whom Alex trusted blindly sometimes, or when he was surrounded by books. Then, slowly, Conor Doyle started to be interested in the fascinating world of the books. This happened because he tried to understand what exactly attracted Alex so much at it, preferring it instead of the family business and the madness of the world. Yet, even if he spent enough time trying to understand the world of the books, old Doyle couldn¡¯t understand it though. The reason? Unlike his son, who was a dreamer and a romantic, Conor Doyle was a practical man. He was a tough man in many cases, as only a good businessman could be. Conor was like that because he knew that only the strong men, the calculated men could resist in the world of businesses and money. That¡¯s why it wasn¡¯t that easy for him to allow the world to fascinate him with those truths hidden in books, as he considered that the world had deceived Alex eventually.


    Nevertheless, Conor Doyle was still happy. His happiness was undoubtedly related to his son¡¯s happiness and his inner peace. At the same time, old Doyle was happy to know that he had a worthy heir in Erin, who was always with him, ruling the family business with an iron fist, ?a true heir of the Imperium Doyle,¡± as many of those who knew her started to call her. What many of these people didn¡¯t know was that Erin didn¡¯t dream to do that in life. Yet, life itself and her love for her brother took her from her world of dreams and threw her in the middle of the madness of the world, that madness called reality where she had been forced to become an adult in one night. She had to do that if she didn¡¯t want to be trampled or to be ashamed.


    Erin hadn¡¯t ever regretted her choice though. She didn¡¯t regret that because she was sure that Alex was happy and her father was smiling when he was with his old friends, who were praising his daughter for her success. Even so, Conor hadn¡¯t ever told Erin words of praise. He didn¡¯t do that not because he didn¡¯t love her or appreciate her effort and success but because he had also been raised like that by his father - with an iron fist, aware that a businessman needs a special education, a tough one. Conor taught Erin all this to make sure that she¡¯d be prepared to face that toothy world, her rivals, and the crows of society, those who only dreamt of hunting and see those who were more successful than they were on their knees in front of them. At the same time, Conor tried to make sure that Erin wouldn¡¯t give up eventually and would walk to the end proudly, tough, and well-prepared after his many tough lessons. Even so, Erin knew that her father loved and respected her. That¡¯s why she hadn¡¯t ever been upset with her father or reproached him that he hadn¡¯t ever tried to protect her from the malice of the world.


    What Erin didn¡¯t know and wouldn¡¯t have probably ever found out was that Conor Doyle hadn¡¯t ever wanted such a life for his daughter. He wanted to see her a princess for an entire life, living her quiet life away from that tough world of business. Yet, once Erin had preferred it when Alex had talked to them about his choice of not ruling the family business but his small coffee shop, Conor decided to respect his daughter¡¯s choice. He also did that, thinking that it was exactly what Erin wanted to do in life. Nevertheless, he understood very soon that things weren¡¯t like that. Even so, Conor said no word to his daughter about this because, besides the fact he was a wise man, a good man, and that he loved his children so much, Conor Doyle was also a proud man. He wanted at least one of his children to follow his example and rule the family business, although this wasn¡¯t their biggest dream or what they wanted to do in life.


    Because of this, finding out eventually that ruling the family business wasn¡¯t her dream, old Doyle became more distant with Erin. He did that because he was afraid that being next to her or showing her his care openly would have made her give up. Yet, Conor Doyle didn¡¯t want her to give up. No. This would have undoubtedly been a painful blow for him. At the same time, it hurt him a lot knowing that Erin might have been unhappy. Yet, once he didn¡¯t see the unhappiness shining in her eyes but safety and determination to rule that business, something he had rarely seen in people, Conor had always supported her from the shadows. He tried to show her his support at least this way - from far away and somehow quietly - that he was there for her and that she could count on him no matter what. Conor also knew that Erin was aware that Alex was also there for her, ready to rule the family business in her place if she had eventually decided to leave that tough world of businesses behind and be only a simple woman who lived her dreams.


    ***


    Someone¡¯s footsteps, who quietly approached her, made Kate wince eventually. Then, finally taking her eyes off Alex¡¯s classical music collection, which he kept on one of the shelves, an impressive collection in fact with famous names like Beethoven, Chopin, Bach, Liszt, and Giuseppe Verdi among others, Kate looked to her right, from where she had heard the footsteps, and smiled. She did that because of Alex, who was stopped only a few steps from her. He not only stopped there but looked at her in silence, somehow melancholically, as though he hadn¡¯t ever expected to find her there. At least, he hadn¡¯t expected to see her next to his classical music collection and not next to the books because he had always thought that Kate loved the books and not the music too.


    He¡¯d been wrong though. Kate also seemed to have been wrong in thinking that Alex was in love with every single beautiful thing because of the books and the time spent alone. Yet, it seemed that classical music was also to blame for that. Music that she started to love while still being a child, music she had always wanted with her in those moments of loneliness, those moments when she had wanted someone with her. Yet, she had only been embraced by the musical notes and accompanied by the heroes from the books she was reading. All this made her seem weird and somehow wild but still so beautiful in the eyes of others - a woman of perfection, in fact.


    Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    She was also a lucky woman eventually, a woman watched by the eyes of love. His eyes looked at her at that moment, eyes in which she saw the shine of longing and admiration for her. Even so, Kate seemed not to understand all that because she was too overwhelmed by that weird feeling she had in her soul. She felt strange being there, as though she had been caught doing something forbidden or caught stealing. Kate also seemed not to see the eyes of love there because she was stubborn and preferred to cling to that love that wasn¡¯t hers anymore since long ago. Nevertheless, being faithful and the woman of only one man as she loved to think about herself, Kate preferred to be deaf, blind, and mute in everything related to other men. She did that even if her love often broke her heart, leaving it bleeding and dying a little bit more every day.


    At least, she felt all this until she met Alex. She felt all this very well, but even so, she kept silent about this, afraid that she could have lost everything in front of time and remain lonely again. Not that she wasn¡¯t lonely already¡­ Even so, the simple fact that she was still Jonathan Ward¡¯s girlfriend gave her a certain confidence. Why exactly? Because of his money? Or maybe because of the social status her boyfriend could have given to her? Of course not! It was undoubtedly because she considered that this was a special feature, her personal success - the fact that a man like Jonathan Ward had chosen her to be his girlfriend, even if he had hurt her more than he made her happy.


    Nevertheless, Kate didn¡¯t intend to give up, not even if she was aware that happiness had abandoned her a long time ago. She was also aware that her happiness could have been somewhere else, especially next to another man. Yet, her pride didn¡¯t allow her to make that step¡­ leaving Jonathan behind and moving on - alone or with another man.


    Not only didn¡¯t her pride allow Kate to give up and live her life elsewhere but the disappointment too. Not the disappointment of feeling that she failed but the one of hearing her mother telling her, ?Yet, it¡¯s been your fault because your relationship ended like that. Yes, Kate: you are the only one to be blamed that it¡¯s over. You should have bowed your head and stepped on your ego to make sure your relationship would work because a man like the one you had had you wouldn¡¯t ever have again.¡± Kate believed that. She scrupulously believed in such words. She thought she didn¡¯t deserve more, that she couldn¡¯t do something to have more, even if she had been approached so many times before by better men, those who could have been capable of making her happy and giving her a better life. At least, they could have been with her and she would have stopped feeling so lonely, as she had often felt since she was a little child and especially after Jonathan had been so ?kind¡± to choose her as his woman from thousands of women that lived in Ireland and other hundreds of thousands that lived in the world.


    She had heard such words from her mother so many times before that she learned them by heart. Kate could have repeated those words if she had been awoken at night and someone had told them to repeat them. She also knew those words so well because¡­ she kept repeating them in her head each time she felt she was about to give up because, after such words, she started to fear. What exactly? That cruel loneliness¡­ the loneliness of the world, which we often feel even when people surround us. Not least, she felt that she would be considered a loser, one who hadn¡¯t been able to save her relationship and remained alone again. Because of this, Kate got to thinking that if she had given up on Jonathan, she would undoubtedly feel herself a true woman again.


    ?Not that I hadn¡¯t felt that so many times before,¡± she caught herself whispering these words. Kate did that looking into Alex¡¯s eyes, something that made her feel things she hadn¡¯t felt so long ago - longing and that she was still a woman.


    ?What exactly?¡± Alex suddenly asked, making her wince.


    Kate looked at his classical music collection and not at him when she heard his question. She did that smiling, although she awkwardly did that. Even so, she knew the reason why she stopped looking into Alex¡¯s eyes after that question - she tried avoiding answering it. Why exactly? Kate felt she had to do that because she thought that it was a failure to talk to others about her problems. She knew it wasn¡¯t right to tell others about her pain - the one that had always had the same name and face: Jonathan Ward.


    She said instead, ?Longing. I was talking about it when I said that I didn¡¯t feel it for so long.¡±


    ?Longing?¡± Alex asked again. He was thoughtful, still to her right, after he stopped approaching her. Then, without watching her but taking a disk with Chopin¡¯s music from that shelf, he asked, ?Related to something in particular?¡±


    ?To life,¡± Kate responded and smiled. ?Yes, I long for living.¡±


    Alex frowned. He did that not because he was confused but because her answer managed to amaze him. Then, putting that disk on the gramophone and playing with the reproducer, Alex said, ?Still, I don¡¯t get why. Eventually, we are still alive.¡±


    ?Even so, in many cases, we don¡¯t live. I even have the feeling that only a few people know how to live this life.¡±


    ?Are you speaking from personal experience or¡­ thoughts again?¡±


    ?Thoughts,¡± replied Kate right away, without thinking about the answer. Then, she moved her index finger on those disks with classical music, which she slowly moved to be able to read their titles and watch the images on them. ?I also talk about myself sometimes.¡±


    ?About an inner pain then.¡±


    ?You can say it so, even if I have the feeling that I¡¯m not totally aware of it. Or¡­ maybe I am, but I don¡¯t want to accept that?! Honestly, I¡¯m also not sure of this.¡±


    ?Still, you are. At least I have the feeling that you are aware because¡­ you know, your eyes betray you.¡±


    Kate winced. ?My eyes betray me? How?¡±


    ?Their shine. Also¡­ the words they silently say. Words about you, Kate. Words about your loneliness.¡±


    ?Maybe you are right,¡± replied Kate, smiling. ?I¡¯m really lonely sometimes. I must accept that. Actually, I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve ever hidden that.¡±


    ?Even so, you haven¡¯t ever openly spoken to someone about that. Why?¡±


    ?I was afraid?¡±


    ?Of?¡±


    ?Of myself, Alex,¡± she whispered, looking into his eyes again. ?Also, I was afraid of love,¡± as she thought after this, feeling that she was slowly but surely losing herself in his eyes. Into those blue-like sky eyes that reminded her of the calm sea and that blue sky toward which the white seagulls often fly on sunny days. Eyes that had been her refuge for an eternity if this had been possible because their look calmed her down. Just as it calmed her down being with Alex and not with another man.


    ?Thoughts again?¡± The man asked, forcing her to sketch a sad smile.


    ?Yes, you are right: thoughts again. Actually, this is something that often floats around me lately - thoughts.¡± Feeling that Alex was about to ask her something more, Kate said, ?Thoughts about the future mostly. My future because¡­ I feel that I¡¯ve gotten to a crossroads by coming here. Even so, I can¡¯t decide which way to go or what to do from now on.¡±


    Alex kept silent. He felt strange after such words. He also felt his heart strangely pouncing in his chest. Was it because they were so close to each other at that moment? Probably yes because they were sitting at the distance of a kiss at that moment. They stood so close to each other that they could hear the heartbeats of the other one, at one point. All this filled them inside¡­ especially that sad glance seen in a pair of black-like berry eyes, which lost themselves, even if it had been for a few seconds only, in his blue-like sky glance. Those black eyes even seemed to have lost themselves in his soul too¡­ in that soul that platonically loved her, and this was so because he didn¡¯t dare to dream of something more with her.


    Eventually, understanding that he might have ruined everything if they had kept silent for longer and sat so close to each other, right at the moment when he¡¯d been about to steal a kiss from her, Alex looked elsewhere. Then, allowing the reproducer so delicately to touch the disk, the man allowed those beautiful musical notes to clearly resound in the small room that served as a lobby for his apartment. A room that seemed a real sanctuary of books and classical music. This was so because everywhere could be seen shelves full of books and disks with rare music¡­ something the man¡¯s heart loved so much¡­ just as his blue eyes seemed to love.


    There, in the left corner of the small living room, a piano was forgotten right next to the big window that almost covered the wall that was facing the crowded street. A very old piano, which Alex saved from ?death¡± when he bought it from an Antique shop. He had bought it and left it in his sanctuary for a very long time because he had touched the piano keys only a few times. Alex did that because he hated to play when nobody was there to listen to his music¡­ the one played with ten long fingers¡­ those that could belong only to the hopeless romantic.


    He could have played the piano for Kate that night. Yet, he felt clumsy even if he wasn¡¯t sure why. No, he knew that reason: they weren¡¯t alone there but along with Mark and Erin, who were preparing dinner in the small kitchen that was only one wall distance from the place where they were. That¡¯s why Alex preferred that, instead of playing the piano, allow the gramophone to play. Then, still clumsy, he grabbed Kate¡¯s hand. Then, when she looked in amazement at him because she hadn¡¯t expected this from him, Alex made her follow him to the middle of the room. Once there, touching her waist, he whispered, ?Dance with me tonight, Kate! Allow me at least this dance!¡±


    Kate said nothing. She only sighed¡­ She did that only in her heart, which suddenly started to beat wildly in her chest even if the music that was played by the gramophone was a very slow one. At the same time, the woman felt her legs melting. This was undoubtedly because they were so close to each other again. Even so, she didn¡¯t oppose it or run away. She only touched his left shoulder with her left palm while her left palm touched his left arm. Then, touching the man¡¯s chest with her forehead, Kate fell prey to longing¡­ dreaming¡­ nostalgia, something that had always been with her. At the same time, she allowed that silent instinct from her soul, the one that had always longed for more, to make her feel like a woman again¡­

 CHAPTER 14: ALIVE AGAIN

    She was happy. Yes, Kate was truly happy that night, just as she hadn¡¯t been for a very long time. Yet, her happiness wasn¡¯t related to a specific moment but to everything that happened at that moment because, besides the jokes she heard that night and the happy moments she spent next to her three new friends, the atmosphere in Alex¡¯s small apartment was something she couldn¡¯t compare to anything else that had happened before in her life. Especially, she couldn¡¯t compare what she felt in that strange apartment to everything that had happened to her since she was in Westport, those few weeks when she had lived mostly alone in that cold hotel room that had to be their new home and bring her and her boyfriend closer to each other.


    That new place turned them into strangers in the end. Their relationship got colder and colder and they even weren¡¯t talking to each other anymore. Yes, they had really gotten not to talk to each other anymore that Kate lost the number of the days when she had waited for him to turn back, to tell her at least a word or steal a kiss from her as Alexander had been about to do that night, but it didn¡¯t happen eventually.


    Then she smiled. Kate smiled the moment she remembered the man¡¯s clumsiness. She clearly saw it shining in his glance when he looked elsewhere, afraid that she could discover his secret: that he¡¯d been about to allow that strange instinct, which spurred him to kiss the woman who had stolen his heart a couple of weeks ago, to control him.


    Instead of a kiss, Alex had stolen a smile from her that night. He also grabbed her hand, like that night when he saved her from those men and then they walked for a long time on the streets, mostly silently rather than talking. They exchanged feelings and thoughts though, like those a human can rarely exchange with someone. Especially, they exchanged smiles, sad mostly because that night Kate got to compare Alex with Jonathan, finding in one only virtue and only defects in the other one.


    Honestly, that comparison was mostly for Jonathan with Alex rather than Alex with Ward because, through what Alexander was and showed it to her, it turned out to be a starting point for Kate to wonder if all she lived was real or just her imagination. She didn¡¯t mean that she lived in a story, locked in a tower or something like that, although her cold hotel room could be compared somehow to that tower where the princesses kidnapped by ogres were forced to stay until they accepted to belong to those who kidnapped them. Yet¡­ ?It¡¯s still so unfair¡­ Life is unfair mostly and our hearts, which can¡¯t decide whom to love.¡±


    Kate caught this thought crossing her mind when she looked at Erin and Mark, who were laughing loudly after a joke by Flynn, and saw a weird shining in their glances. That shine seemed to be because of love, something she had often seen in her eyes each time she looked in the mirror and thought about Jonathan. At least, Kate had seen that shine at the beginning when she was really in love and when he was still gallant, giving her flowers and dreams. Then, when he started to give her only waiting and the coldness from his soul, Kate stopped seeing that magic shine in her glance. Instead of this, she started to see sadness and disappointment. Even so, she didn¡¯t leave him or leave all that behind, although she knew that maybe it was already time to move on and leave all that behind.


    Where to go though? Where should she have gone after that? Kate didn¡¯t know. She couldn¡¯t decide that, and this hurt her. Yes, it hurt more than the waiting, which forced her to stay locked in that hotel room most of the time, immersed in the world of books just to make sure she was able to escape, even if it was for a short time only, the world where she lived and the cruel reality. Kate thought about this all those nights when she tried to fall asleep but she couldn¡¯t. Yes, those thoughts hurt her, making her feel that the nights were cold like ice, just as it was cold the bed under her, despite the good fire that was burning in the fireplace. She felt all this because she was aware that the bed of a beautiful woman couldn¡¯t be warmed by the fire but by the love of the man that had stolen her heart.


    Yet, he didn¡¯t come. The man who had stolen her heart one day was far away from her already. He wasn¡¯t far from her only physically but also emotionally, a distance she started to feel more after she had met Alexander, and he started to court her discreetly. Yes, Alex did that even if both of them were aware that their game of seduction and innocent love wouldn¡¯t have brought them anything good or together. Or¡­ yes?!


    None of them was sure of that. Actually, they weren¡¯t sure of anything because the love that¡¯s pure and sincere is weird. That love is strange through everything that it makes you feel, something that takes you to the heavens. You feel all this because of the happiness in your soul, something that can make you also reach hell after this when you have the first argument with the one you love or you spot him or her looking at another one. Yet¡­ ?All these are simple thoughts eventually, memories about my teenage years or maybe about the first years of my adult life, nothing more,¡± Kate thought, smiling again. She thought that when she saw how much happiness could be in the souls of the people who were with her that night without asking anything from her.


    ?What are you thinking so intensely?¡± Alex asked her when he saw her so lost. Kate didn¡¯t answer though. She just kept looking in front, at Erin and Flynn, who continued their small game of seduction, using jokes and smiles, although their hearts and maybe their glances starved for more than that. Their lips seemed to beg for a kiss; their hands were dreaming of a warm touch; their hearts were longing to lose each other forever in the other one¡¯s eyes, or maybe¡­ to stay together for an entire life. Yet¡­ all that was left was only a long wait and nothing more.


    The moment Alex touched her hand on the sly, which she kept on her lap, Kate winced. Looking to her right, where the man was, she saw him insistently looking at her and probably waiting for an answer from her. An answer to a question she hadn¡¯t heard. Yet, she felt weird to tell him about this. She was afraid to tell him that she hadn¡¯t been attentive, and this happened because she was overwhelmed by dreams, memories, and longing for perfection, and all this made her seem out of reality. That¡¯s why she only murmured ?Nothing,¡± eventually, smiling after this. An answer that seemed trivial to her too. Yet, it was the perfect answer that her mind could invent because even if she hadn¡¯t heard that question, she could at least answer something, solving the dilemma of something that seemed to be a problem.


    She was wrong though because she saw Alex smiling. ?He understood my small trick,¡± Kate thought, smiling too. She clumsily did that, looking elsewhere while Alex stared at his glass of wine that was filled only half. A glass that was in front of him, at the distance of a kiss only from her glass, which was also half full only.


    Their clumsiness hadn¡¯t passed unnoticed though. Flynn had seen it, and Erin also noticed it. Yet, none of them said anything. They only exchanged glances, smiled on the sly, and sipped from the red wine that Mark poured into their glasses after that. Then, thoughtful, they fell prey to the beautiful music that was heard from the gramophone, a music that seemed to have warmed their hearts at that moment, spurring all of them to dream.


    Mark and Erin thought that that music was for Alex and Kate for whom they organized the dinner that evening. Yet, they were wrong because that music was also for them. Yes, it was undoubtedly for them too because, listening to it, their hearts were madly beating in their chest while the longing entered their souls¡­ ?The longing for her¡­¡±


    Mark thought that the moment he looked at Erin on the sly and saw her slowly biting her lower lip. At that moment, he wished she had done that because she thought about a kiss. Not with another man or about the kiss of the two in love people from in front of them, but at their kiss. Yet, all these were simple dreams eventually. They were simple longing and hidden desires felt by Flynn, who had fallen in love with Erin when he was still a child. Even so, he had sworn to wear that love in his soul for an entire life because he understood, in time only, that Erin wouldn¡¯t ever see the man in him. At least, he knew that Erin wouldn¡¯t have ever given him a chance to love her as he wanted - like a man who was crazy about the woman he loved.


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    He could be her friend though. He could be her trusted friend, the one who could be with her forever, no matter how hard or cruel his life was because Flynn¡¯s life hadn¡¯t ever been sweet either. Despite appearances, Mark Flynn had had a difficult life. Yet, he hadn¡¯t ever told anybody about this. He didn¡¯t even tell Alex about this, even if he considered him his best friend. Mark didn¡¯t say a word to Alex or others because he thought that it wasn¡¯t fair to talk to others about his pain, aware that their life hadn¡¯t also been easy or sweet and that saying something to them wouldn¡¯t have done any good to him or made his life better.


    Or maybe¡­?! Yes, if he had said to at least someone about what he felt, he would have felt released. Who knows?! Maybe he would have felt more alive after that. Yet, he wasn¡¯t sure of anything. That¡¯s why Mark preferred to keep silent about his life, pretending to be careless in many of the cases, preferring to be considered a Don Juan rather than a loser, to be seen as a person that had no care in life rather than like a victim, something Mark Flynn had always hated: to be seen like the victim.


    Honestly, Flynn hadn¡¯t ever victimized himself, although he had had enough chances to do that. What he did instead was to grow more: physically and emotionally. He did that when he understood that to survive in that cruel world, which he also considered a jungle, he had to fight. Maybe that world was really a jungle because people, through the masks they generally wear and through everything they wear in their souls, could be undoubtedly considered perfect specimens from the jungle, once it wasn¡¯t anything strange to meet a hyena in the skin of the lamb sometimes. Other times, people threw themselves without life preserved in the tormented sea of life trying to save a poor baby dolphin to realize eventually that whom they held to their chests was a snake in fact. Then, in many cases, one sees, passing by him, hungry wolves, tigers, and lions that fight for supremacy in a world where others see only dreams, trampling the dreamers under their feet to make sure they¡¯d have more. Thus, also considering himself a man who wore a mask, Flynn got to be the one others wanted to see. And, even if he knew that this wasn¡¯t fair, he preferred to do that. It was the only chance he had to survive and move on because nothing was scaring him anymore: neither the betrayal nor falling off the pedestal. It didn¡¯t scare him because he had fallen off it so many times before that he lost the number of times when this happened. That¡¯s why he knew that once down, he could take his mask off. Then, standing up again, to use another one just to make sure he¡¯d move on again, trampling others under his feet just to let them know he was unbreakable.


    Nevertheless, Flynn was afraid of something. He was afraid of loneliness, which he was also envious of. Yes, Mark was often envious of those who could be lonely for so long without complaining about this. He was envious even of Kate, about whom he got to find out that was both a lonely woman and a winner. All he found out about her was remarkable, just as what she was doing for her life was remarkable: waiting for the one she loved at the Gate of Love. She was quietly waiting in front of that gate to be opened again, to be left in, and be remunerated for that waiting with a simple kiss or promising her that she wouldn¡¯t be lonely again, even if those promises had been just empty promises eventually.


    What Flynn didn¡¯t know or deliberately preferred to ignore was that he was envious of Kate for the simple fact that she still believed in love and that she¡¯d win. He would have liked to be like her, but he wasn¡¯t. Or maybe yes?! He wasn¡¯t so sure of this. All he knew was that that waiting hurt him, just as he knew that the waiting hurt Kate too. It wasn¡¯t easy for any of them to wait in front of the Gate of Love to be open again or for those whom they loved to see them instead of deliberately ignoring them.


    Eventually, realizing that he had fallen prey to despair again, Flynn sketched a smile and sipped the wine he still had in his glass. Then, he stretched his hand to the bottle to pour more, but there wasn¡¯t any wine left in that bottle. This made him smile again. ?It¡¯s gone,¡± Mark said after this, making his friends wince.


    ?What exactly or who?¡± Erin asked, confused, frowning too.


    ?Our happiness,¡± Flynn jokingly replied, pointing with his head at the empty bottle. ?Yet, I know where we can buy.¡±


    ?Happiness?¡± Kate asked, staring at him weirdly, struggling not to smile too.


    Mark smiled instead, understanding her joke and maybe the irony hidden in the words she said. Even so, he didn¡¯t lose his temper, but responded in a calm and playful voice, ?You know, Kate: happiness can be bought sometimes.¡±


    ?Not with money though. At least, I think so.¡±


    ?Why exactly?¡± Mark asked, insistently looking at her.


    Kate instead looked at the wine in her glass, which she squeezed in her hand. Yet, she said nothing but kept silent for a long time, although she felt the others¡¯insistent glances focused on her. Yes, Kate kept silent even if she knew the answer, which she didn¡¯t want to say loudly, finding it strange to talk to others about it. What she said instead was, ?Because¡­ nobody had ever been happy buying happiness with money. I know this very well because I¡¯ve lived in a wealthy family. Even so, I can¡¯t say that I¡¯ve been truly happy.¡±


    ?Are you talking about the present or the past?¡± Erin asked, making Kate wince and stare at her.


    ?About the past,¡± Kate rushed to say. Then she smiled again, clumsily. ?I was talking about my childhood. About those times when I¡¯ve always been lonely because my parents have always been more preoccupied with their life than about mine.¡±


    ?Something that often happens to the children in wealthy families, don¡¯t you think so?¡± Flynn asked.


    His question made everybody stare at him for a while. ?Do you think so?¡± Kate asked eventually. ?That it happens the same in every single family? I¡¯m talking about loneliness and pain now!¡±


    ?Honestly¡­ I can¡¯t answer this question.¡±


    ?Why exactly? You seem to know the answer very well, Mister Flynn.¡±


    Mark smiled again. ?Mister Flynn. I¡¯ve heard this name so many times before that I have the feeling that I do something wrong each time I hear it.¡±


    ?You might be actually right,¡± replied Erin, smiling. ?You are always doing something wrong. Especially, asking awkward questions like the one you asked Kate not long ago. And, honestly, I didn¡¯t know you could be like that.¡±


    ?Like that? How?¡±


    ?Nosey! Like a curious mouse, who is always poking his nose in others¡¯business, without knowing that there might be traps somewhere.¡±


    Flynn burst into laughter. ?I think traps are everywhere. Wherever you look, you can get into one. Yet, even knowing this, I¡¯m not afraid of that.¡±


    ?The reason?¡± Alex asked in a playful voice. ?Is this because you¡¯ve got into traps so many times before that you are an expert now?¡±


    ?Honestly, yes. You are right: I¡¯ve fallen into traps so many times in my life. Yet, as I¡¯m a cunning mouse, I¡¯ve always found a way to get rid of them and move on, proudly. Something I intend to do now.¡±


    ?What exactly? To get into a trap or to get out of one?¡± Erin jokingly asked.


    ?No,¡± Flynn promptly answered, standing up. ?To buy ?happiness.¡± And you, Mister Doyle, go with me!¡±


    ?What have I done wrong?¡± Alex asked, laughing. ?To be called Mister Doyle, I mean.¡±


    ?Nothing! Yet, you are my friend and this is eventually your name, one you shouldn¡¯t ever feel ashamed of. At least this is what a dear friend told me once: you never choose your name, but you have the chance to make others respect it. So: follow me!¡±


    The safety felt in Flynn¡¯s voice and the fact he headed so fast toward the door just to go and buy a bottle of wine made Alex think. Yet, he said nothing about this, just as he didn¡¯t insist on Mark to tell them about his feelings. He just apologized in front of the ladies, telling them that they¡¯d miss only for a short while, and left the apartment after that.


    Left alone, Kate and Erin exchanged glances. They were so amazed because they couldn¡¯t understand anything from what had just happened. Even so, none of them bothered too much about this. Eventually, it could have been one of the men¡¯s weirdness, something that had nothing to do with them. That¡¯s why they simply touched glass from glass and smiled at each other, like two strangers who were trying to be friends starting that night and join their paths in life at a crossroads.

 CHAPTER 15: EVERYTHING STARTS WITH A KISS

    Approaching the window, in front of which Kate was sitting for a while already, and looking in the distance, Erin saw her sad. Yes, there was undoubtedly sadness seen in the glance of the woman next to her. Yet, even if she suspected what could have been the reason for that weird shine seen in Kate¡¯s eyes, Erin didn¡¯t dare to ask her loudly about the reason for her heart¡¯s bleeding. Why? Because Erin Doyle felt the same at that moment, although she couldn¡¯t totally explain why she felt that.


    Actually, Erin thought that she had forgotten, and since long ago, what pain meant. She thought she had forgotten that past that had made her sad and solitary in many cases. At the same time, she seemed to have forgotten the betrayal of her former lovers, her betrayal in front of other people and in front of herself, just as she seemed to have forgotten that she had been betrayed so many times before by her business partners, whom she had blindly believed in, but whose hand hadn¡¯t shaken when they stabbed her back. Just as she seemed to have forgotten that friends betrayed her before, whom she had found out that had two faces, and that many had been with her because she belonged to a wealthy family, considering her the best solution to get rid of their problems if counting on her.


    It only seemed to be like that but it wasn¡¯t because Erin hadn¡¯t ever forgotten anything. She only thought so. Yet, she remembered each word, each painful touch in her soul or on her skin, just as she remembered people¡¯s faces - of those who had made her suffer in the past and whom she hated. Or maybe not? Erin wasn¡¯t that sure, just as she wasn¡¯t sure of anything lately. All she knew was that her heart was madly yelling at her, ?Fall in love, Erin! Be happy too, Erin Doyle, even if not in the arms of the one that might have stolen your heart.¡±


    When she remembered this wish, Erin smiled. She slowly bent her head and closed her eyes for a few seconds. Then, looking at the red liquid from her glass, she compared it to her bleeding heart, one that still wanted so badly to love. ?Stubbornly, by the way,¡± Erin thought. ?Just as her heart seemed to be hungry for feelings. Yet, both stubborn and hurt, our hearts prefer only to beat, waiting for something. Or maybe for someone? Honestly, I have no idea, just as I have no idea if I can love someone else anymore.¡±


    Suddenly catching Kate¡¯s glance focused on her, Erin turned and looked at her for a while, after she winced at first. Then, she forced a smile and gave Kate the glass of wine, which she brought there for her, thinking that maybe Kate would have also liked to sip from that sweet-bitter liquid while staying in front of the window and watching the lit street lamps, with the night dancing around them. Outside, the cold wind started to blow too, making the branches of the tall tree, which was growing right in front of the window, move both slowly and fast, as though fighting with its inner demons. The tree was simply imitating the two women who also seemed to fight with their inner demons, women the tree looked at for a long time, silently, as though the three of them were so afraid of cutting the thread of magic that bonded them. Yes, they were afraid to move away from each other, especially Kate and Erin, who even if they weren¡¯t either friends or enemies, still didn¡¯t want that.


    They¡¯d been rivals though. For seconds only, but they¡¯d been rivals. Yet, it had been enough for them to compare each other, and find defects and virtues in the other one because the woman¡¯s heart is just like that - if it sees a rival in front of her, it reads her backwards and forwards just to make sure it won¡¯t give up in front of the other one or let the other one know that it feels worse than its rival. The woman¡¯s heart does this in just seconds. Yet, this is enough for them to understand if there is a danger for them or if they should fight. Then, when they understand what the deal with the rival is, they straighten their backs, and proudly look in front, like those ancient queens who hadn¡¯t ever been afraid of anything¡­ Queens that are capable of standing up and making things work because a woman¡¯s heart is capable of miracles and making things possible.


    ?Just as love doesn¡¯t stay away from us nowadays,¡± whispered Erin eventually, looking at the waving of the branches.


    Kate smiled, touching the glass of wine with both hands. Then, looking at the clumsiness of her fingers, she asked, ?What makes you think this, Erin? A hidden story that¡¯s known only by you?¡±


    ?Honestly, yes. And there are so many, in fact.¡±


    ?Why exactly? I mean¡­ why do you prefer to keep them hidden, once they are stories you¡¯ve cared about?¡±


    ?Because I¡¯ve been afraid of love,¡± replied Erin after a few moments of silence. ?Just as I¡¯ve been afraid to betray myself, be betrayed by the world, and betray others. I¡¯ve been afraid not to be capable of moving on once another story is over. At least, I thought it¡¯d be easier this way for me: to stand up and move on if nobody knows through what my heart is going on at that moment.¡±


    ?Like a soldier who has fallen on the battlefield, but who is still stubbornly clinging to life. Yes, he does that, although his life is hanging on a very thin thread.¡±


    ?Something like that. And¡­ I don¡¯t know why, but I feel that it¡¯s a story that has also happened to you. Or¡­ isn¡¯t anything like that?¡±


    ?Actually, it is,¡± replied Kate, not thinking too much about this. ?There¡¯s a story I¡¯ve cared about too much. I loved that story with all my heart, I put in so much to make it work and make this relationship flow, I involved myself totally in this, just to understand that none of what I did was good. Or¡­ it was not worth it right from the beginning and I just lied to myself that it was a story with a happy ending? I have no idea, honestly!¡±


    After such words, the silence took over the two women for a long time. Only the wax candles, which were lit all over that apartment, were silently talking: about past love stories, those that still lived in those two women¡¯s hearts. They were also talking about a love that might have come, a love born in their souls and fed by smiles and the fugitive touches of their hands that dreamt of such a love story for an entire life. The two glasses of red wine, which Kate and Erin still held in their hands, talked too - about nostalgia, love, sadness, and fulfillment. Eventually, they were two in-love souls that had been, so many times before, trampled by those they had loved so much.


    Eventually, when she felt that that silence overwhelmed her more, Kate looked at Erin and asked, ?Have you ever been happy?¡±


    Erin winced. ?Happy? With whom?¡± She asked, seeming that she didn¡¯t understand the meaning of Kate¡¯s question.


    ?With the one you loved with all your heart. I was wondering if you had at least been so in love to lose your head and see nothing else than him and your love, forgetting yourself and the dreams you might have had once.¡±


    ?Honestly, yes,¡± replied Erin, after a short time of thinking about her answer. ?I loved someone. A lot, to be sincere. I¡¯ve also been happy, I can¡¯t deny that. Even so, it¡¯s over. Suddenly and unexpectedly, even if I wanted it to continue forever. It hadn¡¯t been as I wished though. I also regretted that. Yet, as my father says sometimes, ?If life also gives you a glass of bitter wine, take it, drink it, and move further proudly because it¡¯s the only way you assure yourself a great future with something or someone better that waits for you.¡± I believe that, you know?! I believe that my happiness is there, somewhere, waiting for me. I¡¯m sure we¡¯ll find it one day. Yet, I also think we have to wait a little longer to hold its hands and be really happy.¡±


    ?What if happiness doesn¡¯t belong to us anymore? What if we lost the train of love while running behind another one that seemed better?¡±


    ?Are you talking about Jonathan now? Forgive my daring. I just¡­ found out things about you meanwhile.¡±


    ?The reason?¡± Kate innocently asked.


    ?I liked you,¡± Erin replied, without thinking too much about Kate¡¯s question. ?I really liked you and I still like you because you seem to be a soul so similar to mine. You also seem to be someone who knows what love means¡­ just as Alex can love someone. Yet, he still didn¡¯t have the chance to meet that unique love he had always dreamt about.¡±


    Kate smiled this time¡­ innocently, clumsily, and shyly. ?Honestly, I¡¯ve also dreamt of that. At least, I¡¯ve been dreaming about this lately. I dreamt of love, hidden in a cold hotel room. Yes, I dreamt of love in his arms, in those strong arms that had often held me to his chest when he wanted that. I think it hadn¡¯t ever been just because I wanted that. It hurts, you know?! It hurts like hell, but I understood that too late when I stopped feeling happiness knocking on my door.¡±


    ?It¡¯s just an illusion.¡±


    ?What exactly?¡± Kate asked, staring at Erin¡¯s lips, who sipped from her wine.


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    ?Happiness! This is an illusion eventually. Just as I think that betrayal is also an illusion. Just think about this: we suffer when something we really want doesn¡¯t happen eventually. We suffer because we¡¯ve had too many expectations about something or somebody but so few about us.¡±


    ?Are you talking about dreams right now? Those we betrayed while chasing new ones?¡±


    ?That¡¯s right! I was talking about dreams¡­ those dreams that we¡¯ve buried in our souls so many times because we¡¯ve been afraid to allow them to surface and knock us down. We actually¡­ fear happiness, ourselves, and everything that surrounds us. We fear all that because we know that we won¡¯t be able to find the way back to happiness in case we have lost ourselves somewhere. Yet¡­ do we really lose ourselves if we just chase our dreams and not the dreams of other people?¡±


    ?What are you talking about this time? Honestly, I can¡¯t follow your thoughts. Not now.¡±


    ?Honestly, neither have I. Since long ago I don¡¯t know what exactly I think about or want. I know only one thing: that I want to be happy and I¡¯ll have it. Yes, I¡¯ll make it one day.¡±


    ?And¡­ is this your only dream now, Erin?¡±


    ?No,¡± replied Erin, smiling. ?It¡¯s not my only dream, but this is the most important now: my happiness and, not the least, Alex¡¯s happiness. He has always been and will always be the most important person in my life.¡±


    ?What about you? What about what you want? What about the time you wasted while you chased someone else¡¯s happiness, the time you could have wasted to find your own happiness? Isn¡¯t that time also important?¡±


    ?It is, Kate. That time is also important. I just¡­ think that I¡¯ll be selfish if I think only about myself. I¡¯ll regret that.¡±


    ?Is this because others will be unhappy?¡±


    ?No. It¡¯s because I¡¯ll know that I haven¡¯t done everything for those I love. Eventually, I¡¯m a woman. Yes, I¡¯m a woman, one that¡¯s formed from longing, love, care, and desire to see others happy, a woman that wishes to be happy too, to be held in someone¡¯s arms, whose hand to be also held and kissed when we go somewhere, no matter if I¡¯m a strong woman or not.¡±


    Kate smiled again. ?Eventually, we are all women. All of us want the same, I think.¡±


    ?What about dreams?¡±


    ?We leave them behind. We let them wait until the right time comes, and they do the same: wait.¡±


    ?Dreams about what in particular? A happy family or maybe a relationship you¡¯d like to have worked?¡±


    Kate shook her head. ?No, dreams about me,¡± she suddenly said. ?Dreams about what I¡¯ve always wanted to do. Like¡­ writing a book, for example. I¡¯ve always wanted to write a soul book, one about that love I¡¯ve always dreamt of. I want to write a book about a life I haven¡¯t ever had, but which I¡¯d like others to have, even if they are simple characters or normal people.¡±


    ?It¡¯ll be a lie then. If that happiness is only in the book, don¡¯t you think so?¡±


    ?A lie? About what?¡±


    ?About your heart, Kate. Yes, I think that it¡¯ll be a lie if you write that book about happiness, something you¡¯ve only wanted to experience, but you haven¡¯t ever had. At the same time, I think that that book won¡¯t be successful. At least it won¡¯t be successful if you aren¡¯t able to live the same happiness you want to write about.¡±


    ?I¡¯ll be overwhelmed by illusions then. I¡¯ll forget who I am maybe. Yet, if I find my happiness, who knows - maybe my dream won¡¯t be just a dream eventually, and something better can happen to me.¡±


    ?I have a different opinion. Do you know why?¡± Kate shook her head. ?Because your heart longs for all you¡¯ve said before, Kate. Your soul doesn¡¯t dream only to fulfill your dreams but also for you to be happy. That¡¯s why, before thinking about others and dreams, think of yourself and of those or that one whom you want with you.¡±


    Erin kept silent the moment the door opened and Alex and Mark entered the apartment. They silently looked at each other, for a long time, as though only their eyes and heart talked to each other. Maybe those eyes were really talking - those black eyes that were lost in the universe of a pair of blue eyes while Erin was looking at two red lips because of the cold wind that was acting up in the street¡­ lips that she felt that she was ready to kiss, even for an entire life if possible¡­


    ***


    Looking at Erin¡¯s sleeping face, Mark smiled. ?She¡¯s so beautiful,¡± he thought. Then, somehow unable to control himself anymore, he touched the top of her nose with his finger, which he slowly moved down until he touched her lips.


    Flynn¡¯s delicate touch made Erin wince. Opening her eyes, she looked at him, confused. Mark instead looked straight into her eyes, smiling with his eyes because he was really happy to be only with her in the back seat of her car. Yes, she was only his, after he had asked the driver, who brought them there, to leave the car in the parking lot and leave. Then, after Flynn paid him, the driver left them alone, saying nothing, and this happened because Mark was afraid that the noise of their voices would awaken Erin and break the magic.


    Yet, he¡¯d been afraid in vain because Erin had slept a lot that night. They had probably been in the parking lot for about two hours after the driver left. Time that Mark hadn¡¯t regretted wasting there because he had dreamt of that for so long. Yes, he had been dreaming of her for years, without having at least the hope that Erin would see him one day. Because of this, Mark even thought at one point that she was deliberately ignoring him, even if he also didn¡¯t know why she was doing this. Nevertheless, he hadn¡¯t ever been upset with her because he loved her so much, and knew that as long as his love for her was alive, they still had a chance to be together one day.


    ?A chance that¡¯s now so real,¡± murmured Flynn, still looking into Erin¡¯s eyes.


    She, without looking elsewhere or seeming scared to hear such words from Flynn¡¯s mouth, looked at him, silently waiting for what would come. Seconds passed after this, then minutes in a row, but Mark didn¡¯t do anything else: he only looked at her, with love, and this was clearly seen in his eyes while she looked at his lips, those she thought about for an entire night since the talk she had had with Kate in front of the big window when Alex and he returned from the supermarket.


    ?Like a stupid,¡± she whispered after this. ?I lost myself completely, even if I tried so hard for this not to happen.¡±


    ?What exactly?¡± Mark suddenly asked, confused because of her words.


    ?Nothing,¡± Erin rushed to say. Then, moving a little, she straightened her back. She did that, feeling a little numb after she slept with her head on Flynn¡¯s right shoulder. Then, stretching her body, she felt that she hadn¡¯t moved at all while she had slept in the car. Even a strange thrill ran through her body at one point. This happened not because of the numbness but because she unwillingly touched Flynn¡¯s right hand, which he supported on the seat to keep his balance.


    Not only did Erin feel that thrill. The same happened to Mark, who winced eventually. Even his Adam¡¯s apple moved up and down somehow uncontrolled. Nevertheless, feeling all this, Mark didn¡¯t totally understand why he felt it. There were two reasons for that strange feeling: that unexpected touch, which he still dreamt of it to happen, or having Erin so close and wanting more than that with her. Yes, Mark seemed not to know the answer while Erin did. She knew that answer, but she was so stubborn and didn¡¯t want to accept it, as she had been doing for months if not years when she denied her feelings for Flynn. Erin was afraid to accept her feelings because she was aware that Mark was younger than her and he was also her brother¡¯s best friend. If she had accepted his love, she was sure that it wouldn¡¯t have been fair. At least Erin thought about all this for so long. At that moment though, having him so close to her, at the distance of a kiss from her, she started regretting having avoided telling him what she felt for him. At the same time, Erin regretted the intimacy between them, and she did that, feeling that she was betraying Alex.


    Remembering her brother and that she had sworn not to be involved with his friends ever, Erin tried to leave the car. Yet, the door closed back right after she pulled the doorknob to open it. Then, grabbed by Flynn into his arms and held to his chest, Erin fell prey to the moment, watching him in silence.


    Mark didn¡¯t do the same. He didn¡¯t watch her because he had done that for so long, doing nothing else than that. What he did instead was to steal the kiss from her¡­ that kiss that they had been expecting for years, the kiss about which Erin talked to him that day when she told him that if he waited for longer without telling the girl he liked about his feelings, he might have lost her. And yes, Mark didn¡¯t want to lose her. Flynn didn¡¯t even want to wait for more. He knew that he had waited enough and had been a coward for so long while waiting for Erin to decide to give them a chance. Something Erin hadn¡¯t ever done. That¡¯s why he decided to take the first step toward her, even taking the risk of being rejected.


    That day Erin hadn¡¯t rejected him. On the contrary, she completely stuck her chest to his, closing her eyes and wrapping her arms around his neck, wishing for more than this. She wanted everything in one single night. She wanted to know what exactly Flynn was hiding in that beautiful bag of muscles as she used to joke each time she saw Mark training at the gym. And yes: Mark Flynn looked damn good. That¡¯s why she wanted to be his that night and maybe for more, allowing at least this to herself if life hadn¡¯t allowed them to be together for an entire life.


    Mark seemed to want the same. He wanted to be with her at least that night. Yet, he suddenly stopped: too suddenly as Erin thought after this. He stopped the kiss, which filled both of them to the brim and made them vibrate, right when they wanted more and more. Then, looking at her with love, Mark whispered, ?I think we are rushing, Erin! I think that¡¯s not fair.¡±


    ?The reason?¡±


    ?I just¡­ feel that we are rushing!¡±


    ?Instead, I think that it¡¯s the right moment, Flynn. We have wanted this for so long and we finally have the chance to be together. So¡­ what about entering for a coffee?¡±


    Mark nodded. ?At least not tonight, Erin. I don¡¯t want to rush. I don¡¯t want to ruin everything as I¡¯ve done so many times before.¡±


    ?Are you doing this because of me?¡±


    ?Yes,¡± Mark suddenly answered, making her wince. ?I love you too much to ruin the things between us, Erin. I¡¯ve waited for this for so long to lose everything after this kiss.¡±


    After this, Flynn held her to his chest again. He tightly held her, hiding his face in her blonde hair, styled in a short bob, deeply breathing in its aroma. A scent that reminded him of wildflowers and chrysanthemums. She also smelled like jasmine and flowers of longing. ?Flowers that will be my adoration for an entire life because I intend to love you for so long,¡± he told her eventually, both holding each other in their arms and being so happy that they had finally been able to defeat their inner demons, those that kept them so far away from each other all that time, as though they were forbidden to love or to be together.

 CHAPTER 16: COMPARING THINGS AGAIN

    When she returned to the hotel that night, Kate found Jonathan there. He was standing in front of the fireplace, with his back to her, and staring at the dance of the flames and not around him. Jonathan didn¡¯t look at her, not even when the door closed behind her with a certain noise. This happened because of the amazement to see him there because Kate hadn¡¯t expected to find him there. Because of this, she couldn¡¯t control the shake of her hands and, releasing the door, it closed behind her.


    Not even Kate understood why she felt like this. She didn¡¯t know why her hands were shaking and why her heart was strangely pouncing in her chest, giving her the feeling that she lacked air at one point. Kate also felt scared, although Jonathan hadn¡¯t ever been brutal, at least not with her. Even so, she couldn¡¯t chase that fear away, something she felt more vivid than ever while staring at the man¡¯s back¡­ that man that she had adored once and had expected so many times before to come to their room and spend some time with her.


    Jonathan hadn¡¯t stopped by that hotel room for so long though. There¡¯d been days if not weeks since he forgot her there, abandoning her alone in that strange place and somehow forgotten by the world. A place where she had made friends eventually, even if she hadn¡¯t ever expected this to happen.


    Yet, this happened and she was so happy. She spent a beautiful evening among friends and she felt, even if for a short time only, that her wings healed. She thought that, after that night, everything would change and her life would improve, that she wouldn¡¯t be as lonely as she¡¯d been by then, that she would have someone to talk to about her thoughts and feelings, that they¡¯d spend some time together, and that she would forget about loneliness. What she hadn¡¯t expected was to see Jonathan there, who seemed to have returned to her: so unexpectedly, something she didn¡¯t want at all at that moment.


    Yes. For an unknown reason to her, Kate hadn¡¯t expected him to be there and didn¡¯t want to have him there. Jonathan was there though. He seemed to wait for her, even if she hadn¡¯t called him there. To be more precise, Kate hadn¡¯t called him at all in the last two weeks since she¡¯d been to his office to bring him some clean clothes, seeing that it had been days since he hadn¡¯t stopped by the hotel. Yet, coming to his office, she had been told that ?Mister Ward went on a business trip.¡± This news confused her so much that Kate even felt dizzy after this. She even staggered to her feet because she felt betrayed.


    Kate felt so betrayed that day. She felt all this deeply in her soul because this was unbelievable for her that the man that she loved and loved her, as Jonathan had told her before, left the town without even telling her about this. ?He didn¡¯t even text me about this,¡± Kate eventually thought. ?He didn¡¯t do that because it seems that I¡¯m not someone important to him.¡±


    Thinking about all this, Kate¡¯s eyes filled with tears. She didn¡¯t say anything though, for a long time. She only stared in front, at a blind spot, as she used to do each time she felt lost or betrayed. She did that each time to be able to control herself again, stand up, and move on. And, as it always happened, this trick helped her: she could deeply breathe in after this, calmed down a little, and asked in a shaking voice, ?With¡­ whom Mister Ward went this time?¡±


    ?With his secretary, with Mrs. Loyle,¡± Jonathan¡¯s assistant told Kate that day, a man whose name was Mikel Stevens. She knew that man, who had been working for ?Ward&Partners¡± for about six years already.


    Kate smiled. ?With her,¡± she thought after this. ?Of course, he didn¡¯t have time or desire to tell me that he left the town. He did that because he was with her, as it had always been.¡±


    Closing her eyes, for a few moments only, Kate felt dizzy again. She felt that the whole world collapsed over her shoulders. A world she had been building step by step, from solid bricks as she thought, but which was falling apart at that moment like those castles built from sand.


    Feeling someone¡¯s hand touching her arm, Kate opened her eyes. Looking in front, she saw Mikel¡¯s eyes focused on her. The young man in front of her looked scared, as she hadn¡¯t ever seen him in those two years since she had known him. A man who was on the cutting edge, as Kate had heard others talking about him. Still, Mikel Stevens was an innocent man, about whom others said that he didn¡¯t know too much about life.


    ?Who seem not to understand all this are others though,¡± Kate whispered, staring at Mikel¡¯s face, who kept looking at her, with sadness in his eyes. ?Yes, there are others who don¡¯t understand this world and not him. Mikel seems to be a man who understands so many things in this world, but who still prefers to be blind, deaf, and mute just not to hurt others. Even if he doesn¡¯t manage this all the time.¡±


    She suddenly winced when she heard Mikel¡¯s deep voice, asking her, ?Are you okay, Mrs. O¡¯Connell?¡±


    Kate sketched a forced smile. ?Of course, I¡¯m fine. Why shouldn¡¯t I be?¡± She lied to him that day. ?Just¡­ dizziness,¡± she rushed to add after that. And, suddenly straightening her back and withdrawing her arm from his, she forced another smile and said, ?Nothing happened eventually. Nothing from what I haven¡¯t ever experienced or that can knock me down.¡±


    ?Still, I think you should take a seat and rest a little bit, even if it¡¯s for a short time only. This will make you feel better, I think.¡±


    ?Or maybe worse, don¡¯t you think so? The bandage on a bleeding wound makes things worse, hiding the evil but not removing it. I¡¯ll do the same if I pretend that I suffer when it¡¯s nothing like that.¡±


    Mikel stared at her after such words. He seemed confused. Not because he didn¡¯t understand the reason why Kate suffered but because he couldn¡¯t understand her: why she acted like that, as if nothing happened or as if she didn¡¯t care about that. It was obvious that she suffered so much at that moment and that she felt betrayed. Nevertheless, he said nothing about this, for minutes in a row. He only looked at Kate¡¯s face, who seemed not to know what to do after that.


    Eventually, understanding that it was maybe the time to do something, at least to leave that place and stop humiliating herself in front of others, Kate gave Mikel the package with the clothes she brought with her. Then, she told him in a confident voice this time, ?Please give these clothes to Mister Ward. When it¡¯s possible, of course!¡±


    ?Should I tell him something more, Mrs. O¡¯Connell?¡±


    ?Something like?¡± Kate pretended not to have understood the question.


    ?That you passed by here, for example, and¡­¡±


    ?It¡¯s not necessary,¡± Kate cut Mikel off. ?I¡¯ll take care of this. To let him know that I stopped by. You just give him the clothes as I¡¯ve asked you. I¡¯ll take care of the rest.¡± Then, confident, Kate said goodbye to Mikel and rushed to leave the lobby because she hadn¡¯t been left to enter the office and had been asked to wait there. ?At Mister Ward¡¯s request,¡± as the receptionist told her. That¡¯s why Ward¡¯s assistant was summoned to the lobby to meet her and tell her that Jonathan went on a business trip and that he¡¯d send him what Kate wanted to tell him. ?As though we are strangers,¡± Kate thought after that while walking on the street¡­ a street so crowded at that moment. Still, she met so many empty souls at that moment, people that had no bond with her, but still people that made her suffer so much at that moment.


    The reason? Jonathan¡¯s betrayal. Yes, it was undoubtedly about betrayal that day because Kate was sure that he was at the office. She saw his car in the parking lot when she stepped out of the taxi. She was damn sure about this because she knew his black car so well, as she knew so many other things about Ward.


    ?At least I thought I knew him,¡± whispered Kate, eyes bathed by tears while still wandering the streets. ?I thought I knew him and that I could be proud of that. I¡¯ve been so wrong. Yes, I¡¯ve been so blind believing truths that are simple lies for so long already. I wanted to embrace the lie and ignore the truth, thinking that it was easier this way. It had been easier for me not to see that the fact that he ignored me, abandoned me, and my loneliness had nothing to do with his work but with another woman. It had undoubtedly been because of her. Undoubtedly¡­¡±


    That day Kate wandered the streets for so long. She said nothing about what she felt, she just thought about this. Her heart talked to her in her place, that heart that was bleeding and weirdly pouncing in her chest, silently crying her pain. Her heart cried because Kate had been blind and believed too much in dreams, loving and giving herself totally to the one she loved. As a reward for her care and love, she¡¯d been slapped and embraced the betrayal and longing, something that had always been with her, especially lately, even if she seemed not to have been aware of that.


    Why exactly didn¡¯t see Kate that longing? Because she still believed in love. She believed each word Ward told her. She believed when he told her that he was busy at work because the new project in which he was involved took all the free time he had and that¡¯s why he couldn¡¯t see her more often. He told her to be patient and that he¡¯d come to her as soon as he could. Yet, he didn¡¯t come. ?How to come when he¡¯s busy with her? How to come when another one steals that time he should have spent with me? How to come when he¡¯s with her, holding her to his chest as he has held me once, giving her all he has promised to me? He did that because she¡¯s not as stupid as I¡¯ve been to wait for so long, just to find out eventually that I¡¯ve done that in vain. I¡¯ve lost the war before entering the battle¡­ a battle for the love that might be already forbidden to me.¡±


    ***


    ?Why are you here, Jonathan?¡± Kate asked Ward when he finally looked at her.


    ?Shouldn¡¯t I have been here?¡± The man coldly asked her, staggering to his feet. ?As far as I know, this is my house too.¡±


    Kate smiled. ?Your house!¡± She whispered after that. ?A house about which you¡¯ve forgotten¡­ the road toward it, I mean. Since a long ago, by the way¡­ for weeks, Jonathan. You haven¡¯t passed by here for two weeks.¡±


    ?I¡¯ve been busy,¡± he drily replied, looking elsewhere. ?You know it,¡± he added after that, looking through the room but not at her. ?I work so hard. That¡¯s why I don¡¯t stop by. Yes, I work and I don¡¯t have time for something else. You instead, as always, reproach me for my absence and coldly look at me instead of being happy that I¡¯m here, with you.¡±


    Kate¡¯s eyes filled with tears after such words. She wasn¡¯t crying because she was sad but because she was disappointed. Love betrayed her once again, something she blindly believed in. The man she had sacrificed herself for so many times before betrayed her too. Yes, he did that, although Kate became lonely because of him, living in a world she practically didn¡¯t know, in a different town where she didn¡¯t have friends and where she could be only with the books. She hadn¡¯t ever complained about this though because she loved him and because she decided to wait for him.


    Instead of being grateful for her sacrifice, he reproached her that she was cold with him, scolding him instead of being happy that he came. He reproached her that she wasn¡¯t happy to know him there when, before that, he¡¯d been the one who had chased her away from him so many times. The reason? Another woman. The same ?another woman¡± for whom he had forgotten Kate, for weeks. He even denied Kate access to his office for that ?another one,¡± sending his assistant to tell her that he was ?on a business trip¡± when he was busy to make another one happy.


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    ?What about my happiness?¡± Kate whispered in her head, staring at the man¡¯s face, who seemed a stranger in her eyes at that moment. ?What about us? What about my sacrifice, dedication, and my heart that still waits for you? Isn¡¯t my heart also important?¡± She also thought about this, staggering to her feet the moment she understood that if Jonathan was there that night, it probably was because he argued with ?Her.¡±


    Yes, he was there that night, but Kate was sure that he didn¡¯t come because he missed her. No, if he had missed her, he would have brought flowers as he had done so many times before when ?he¡¯d been busy and couldn¡¯t take care of her.¡± He would have come there sober and not drunk because Kate clearly saw that the man was barely staying on his feet. Not only did this tell Kate that he was absent, even if his body was there: Jonathan¡¯s eyes told her the same, eyes in which she saw sadness, disappointment, and betrayal. Eyes that Kate knew so well because she had seen them so many times before. She had also seen all this in his eyes before, but she hadn¡¯t ever understood why those eyes looked like that.


    Honestly, Kate hadn¡¯t ever seen Ward looking like that: messy, unshaven, with a lost glance, wrinkled, and disheveled. No, she hadn¡¯t ever seen him looking like that because despite his long and repeated absences, despite his ignore and abandonment, despite the pain from her heart, and that she wanted to feel a real woman in his arms, Kate hadn¡¯t ever abandoned him. On the contrary, she had always taken care of him to have clean clothing, to look good when they went out, to keep up appearances, and never be someone to be mocked by others because of the way he looked. Kate did all that, knowing that a man like Jonathan Ward, who was ?a hunter in the world of businesses,¡± should keep the appearances no matter what.


    Yet, it had been enough to let him alone for two weeks for Jonathan to look completely different: messy and a totally different man. Yes, she clearly saw this in him while looking at him coldly. Kate couldn¡¯t look differently at him because she couldn¡¯t understand how he could fall so down for another woman. Because of another woman, it¡¯s better to say. At the same time, she couldn¡¯t understand why he kept her next to him if another woman stole his nights, dreams, and ideals, those for which he had been fighting for years. Yes, it¡¯s been years since Kate had been with him, doing everything to avoid getting him into trouble or being involved in his business. She did that because she didn¡¯t want Jonathan to reproach her that he failed because of her. Even so, she got to be nobody for him, someone whom he didn¡¯t even dare to look into her eyes and tell that he needed some time to be alone and understand whom he wanted to be with if not with her.


    Eventually, when Jonathan headed toward her, staggering on his feet and seeming to be absent, Kate involuntarily took a few steps back. She didn¡¯t stop until her back didn¡¯t touch the door. Even then she wanted that door to vanish and let her run away from there, far away and forever from him. Why did she feel all this? Kate couldn¡¯t explain. She also couldn¡¯t explain that feeling of nausea that had been suddenly felt in her stomach. This happened the moment she felt the strong alcohol smell coming from Jonathan.


    Feeling that pungent smell coming from him, Kate turned her head to the left and covered her nose for a few moments. Understanding that it might not be right to do that and to offend Jonathan, Kate tried to control her reaction and looked straight into his eyes when he was only one step from her. Jonathan didn¡¯t look at her instead. He only pounced on her, hungrily and brutally kissing her neck, unable to control his impulses, as though he was trying to punish her for something, even if he was the only one to blame for that story. Other times, Kate would have ignored such a behavior, thinking that it was because of the anxiety, of the long absence, or because he missed her. At that moment though, she didn¡¯t find an excuse for all that.


    No. At that moment, Kate hated to be touched by Ward. She hated to be kissed by him, feel his touches, and the smell. Kate hated to have him so close, although she couldn¡¯t understand why she felt all that. No, she knew this: she was treated like a nobody at that moment, considered the ?other one,¡± someone who was always ready to wait for him, available for him when didn¡¯t have ?other options.¡± Yes, Kate had always waited for him despite the pain he caused to her, despite being lonely for so long, and despite the disappointment. At that moment though, she seemed to have understood that all that had been enough for her. That¡¯s why she suddenly pushed him away from her, yelling at him, ?Stop this, Jonathan! I don¡¯t want this!¡±


    Ward dumbly looked at her. ?You don¡¯t want? What?¡±


    ?Intimacy,¡± Kate muffled, swallowing hard after that. ?You are drunk. That¡¯s why I think you should go to sleep.¡±


    ?Yet, I want you,¡± murmured Ward, kissing her neck again. He even wrapped his arms around her, brutally. He¡¯d even been gross to her while mumbling through kisses, ?Kate, I want you. I dreamt of your body all this time.¡±


    Kate burst into laughter, taking Jonathan by surprise, although she thought he was so drunk and couldn¡¯t understand what was reality and what fantasy. Even so, he stared at Kate after she pushed him away from her. Then, still laughing, she ironically told him, ?You wanted me? When exactly, Jonathan: when you were with her or when she didn¡¯t allow you to be with her anymore?¡±


    Jonathan shook his head, confused. ?She? What the hell are you talking about, Kate?¡±


    ?Let¡¯s not pretend,¡± Kate hissed through her teeth, with a controlled hatred in her voice. ?Stop playing this game, Jonathan! I know the truth already. I¡¯m aware of your ?business trips,¡± about her, and about the fact that you denied my access to your office because this might have bothered her.¡±


    ?You know, you talk nonsense right now,¡± Ward mumbled. ?I have no idea what you are talking about.¡±


    ?Of course, you know,¡± Kate shouted again. ?I know about you and Loyle. I know about the snake with green eyes that charmed you so well that she put you into her bed, making you forget the way back to my arms, Jonathan!¡±


    Suddenly, Kate froze. She even felt cold-like ice beads of sweat running down her back after that. This happened because of Jonathan, who suddenly punched the door behind her. Then, looking at her with hatred, Ward hissed through his teeth, ?Don¡¯t dare to talk like this about her, do you hear me? Never talk like that about her!¡±


    ?What about me, Jonathan?¡± Kate whispered when she could control herself, even if she kept shaking inside. ?What about me, the one whom you allowed her to trample and treat like a nobody? Haven¡¯t you ever forbidden her something related to me?¡±


    The man said nothing about such accusations. He only looked at her, somehow absent and savage, uncontrolled, as though her words spurred him inside to something more. Ward even felt offended after Kate¡¯s words, even if he tried to hide everything from her. Yes, he wanted to hide his affairs from her because Kate was for him the perfect wife and girlfriend, the only one who could stay with him while he climbed the stairs of the glory. At the same time, he couldn¡¯t give up on the other one, who was filling him inside. Yet, the other one wasn¡¯t like Kate and couldn¡¯t replace her. Why? Because Kate grew up in a wealthy family, received a good education, had relationships and class, and caught the others¡¯glances with her elegance and beauty, not to talk about the fact she was smart and admired by everybody. Susan instead was noticed only due to her green eyes, the color of the fresh herbs, and due to her perfect curves, virtues that were only for the moment. Yet, all this wasn¡¯t something he could brag with in front of others. Honestly, he hadn¡¯t ever heard a good word told to him by others when they saw him with Loyle. Yet, he had heard so many compliments while he¡¯d been seen with Kate.


    Yet, this hadn¡¯t ever been enough for Ward, who felt that Kate lacked something. What exactly was missing in Kate or why he felt that he missed something while having a relationship with her, Ward didn¡¯t know. Nevertheless, he blamed this lack for the failure of their relationship and that he preferred to stay away from her. This didn¡¯t mean he wasn¡¯t jealous of her when he saw her accompanied by others or having success. All this squirmed him inside, just as the thought that she might prefer another man someday bothered him. That¡¯s why he did everything to rag on her when they were alone. Yet, he did that in the hope that she¡¯d stay away from others. Thus, he was trying to get rid of every single obstacle that might have appeared in front of him because he was sure that sooner or later he would turn back to Kate when his relationship with Susan would have reached an end. When this would happen, Ward needed Kate there, waiting for him and ready to love only him, even if he¡¯d have cheated on her so many times after that.


    At least, Jonathan had thought about this before. He thought that Kate wouldn¡¯t ever reproach anything to him because he knew that she loved him. That night though, Kate reproached him that he had a relationship with Susan and that he had forgotten her. She reproached him for his absence and coldness, and Kate even seemed changed. Why did Ward have this feeling? He had no idea. Honestly, he didn¡¯t know this because he hadn¡¯t ever gotten to know the real Kate. All he knew about her was what family she belonged to, what studies she had, that she was beautiful, elegant, smart, and¡­ that¡¯s all. No, wait: he also knew that she was a woman that many men liked and would have wanted to have, even if those men knew whose woman Kate was. That¡¯s why Ward did everything for Kate to be with him forever, not caring about Kate¡¯s dreams, feelings, what she wanted in the past, or what she would like to do in the future.


    Honestly, Ward didn¡¯t care about this. Eventually, Kate was another porcelain sculpture from his collection. Yes, it was cruel to compare Kate with an expensive object from his collection, but he couldn¡¯t avoid thinking about her this way. Jonathan couldn¡¯t do that even if he saw her as a woman since he met her for the first time. He thought like that about her even after he had had her so many times in his arms and kissed each inch of her skin. Nevertheless, he hadn¡¯t ever thought about her as the only woman in his life. Why? Because he thought that the man who loved a single woman forgot about himself. At the same time, he thought that if he had let Kate know about his thoughts and preferences, he would have chased her away from him. That¡¯s why he hid from her his relationship with Susan and other women, even if he felt that Kate knew or at least suspected that he was cheating on her. Even so, he hoped to have her with him as long as possible. Yet, that night when she rejected him, Ward felt fear¡­ he was afraid to lose her. That¡¯s why, saying nothing about what he felt, Ward just held her to his chest and hungrily kissed her, not paying attention to the fact that Kate was pushing him away from her.


    Feeling his lips brutally kissing her skin, Kate started to shudder. She even wanted to fight with him, trying to get rid of him because that night she didn¡¯t want intimacy with Ward. Not that night and not after she had spent beautiful moments in the arms of another man. At another man¡¯s chest is better to say, who treated her like a princess when they danced in his small apartment and who took care of her all that evening, somehow afraid that she¡¯d feel awkward with them or would be bored. That ?other one¡± also asked her if she felt good with them and if she needed something else from him. Alex asked her this when he accompanied Kate to the hotel and if she wanted to spend more time together, walking or talking about small things. Alex gave her that tenderness that was something unknown for Kate, who had always been treated coldly by Ward, who saw in her only the woman, with whom he could cool his soul but with whom she hadn¡¯t ever felt fulfilled or a real woman.


    Eventually, the moment they got next to the bed and Jonathan tried to lay her by force on him, Kate pushed him away from her, managing to escape the trap of his arms. She managed to escape because Ward tripped off the bed¡¯s foot and fell on it. Yes, he tripped because he was so drunk and couldn¡¯t keep his balance. Why did he drink so much? Because of Susan, with whom he had a hot fight that night on the eternal subject: when he¡¯d end his relationship with Kate and would see only her. Yet, He couldn¡¯t do that. Ward couldn¡¯t abandon Kate because he loved her. In his strange way but he loved Kate while he saw in Susan only the other one, a beautiful woman with whom he spent some time, filling the gaps of ?solitude,¡± something he couldn¡¯t ever do while being with Kate. Yet, through the fact that he drunk so much and couldn¡¯t control himself anymore, he got to fall on the bed, bumping his head on the wooden edge of it. Thus, Ward gave Kate the chance to escape from him and enter the bathroom, locking the door. She even yelled at him after this that he was a coward and didn¡¯t know how to love a woman.


    The moment he heard the bathroom door locked, Ward smiled. ?To be damn,¡± he murmured, laying on the bed and weirdly smiling. Then, covering his eyes with his arm, he started to laugh, even if he didn¡¯t know why he did that. Yes, Jonathan laughed at that moment, but he was laughing at himself more because he fell so down that he couldn¡¯t control himself and ruined all his plans. At the same time, he gave himself away in front of Kate, hurting her more. Not that he would have cared about this too much or he wanted to apologize. He just did that, moved by an uncontrolled impulse because Ward was like that: a man who could trample others just to make sure he¡¯d get to a certain point. At the same time, Jonathan didn¡¯t have such words like ?I¡¯m sorry¡± or ?Forgive me¡± in his vocabulary. All he knew was that he deserved everything and that others should apologize in front of him, even if the one who had been wrong was him.


    Eventually, he fell asleep. Jonathan Ward fell asleep without saying anything else to Kate that night. He felt exhausted both physically and emotionally, although nobody knew the real problems he had at that moment. Ward not only had business problems but also personal because his mother, Esther, found out already about his affairs and failures and asked her son not to dishonor her in front of others because she had given up on too much in her life to ruin everything because of her son¡¯s caprice. Esther had also ordered his son to end his relationship with Susan, whom she saw as an opportunistic woman, asking Jonathan to do everything for Kate not to find out about his affair. For Esther, her son¡¯s girlfriend, Kate, was perfect even if she hadn¡¯t ever seen Kate as an ideal woman for her son. Even so, Kate was perfect to help Jonathan reach the glory, even if he hadn¡¯t ever made her happy or made her feel like a real woman.

 CHAPTER 17: THE FIRST THRILL

    ?Were you sleeping already?¡± Kate¡¯s voice resounded so sadly in the receiver when Alex answered the phone.


    ?Not yet,¡± he answered after a few moments of silence. Then, he waited for her to say something else. All he heard after this was her pleasant breathing, something that touched his heart and which he learned to adore - the breath of the woman he wanted with him, although he knew that Kate was someone else¡¯s woman. Even so, he knew that she was unhappy. He felt that even at that moment when they talked by phone because if she called him at that late hour, it was undoubtedly because of the sadness in her soul. She also said nothing, for minutes in a row, and this made him think. Her silence even preoccupied him, making Alex ask eventually, ?Something happened?¡±


    ?Not really,¡± Kate said right away. ?Well, yes. Honestly, I¡¯m also not sure of this,¡± she stuttered after that. ?I just¡­ needed to talk to someone. And¡­ also to breathe some fresh air. Can you accompany me?¡±


    Total silence was heard in the receiver after this. Only his calm breathing was heard and nothing else. Kate even thought at one point that she could hear the mad beatings of his heart, and she heard that after her question. Heart beatings that concerned her because she wouldn¡¯t have liked him to think badly about her, especially because she was calling him at such a late hour - 3 a.m.


    Looking at her wristwatch and seeing that it was so late, Kate rushed to say, ?No, wait! I¡¯ve been wrong in calling you so late. It¡¯s really late. Let¡¯s talk in the morning!¡± Then, she tried to hang up.


    ?Wait!¡± She heard the man¡¯s voice in the receiver, feeling the concern in it. ?Kate, wait! Don¡¯t hang up!¡± He added, somehow fearing her silence. ?Let¡¯s meet!¡±


    ?But¡­ isn¡¯t it too late?¡± She asked, shy. ?It¡¯s three o¡¯clock in the morning and¡­¡±


    ?¡­it¡¯s nothing! I wasn¡¯t sleeping anyway but reading a book. So, I have time and¡­ see you soon!¡± Then, he hung up.


    The sound of the interrupted call made Kate¡¯s heart wince. It even strangely pounced in her chest after this. Yes, she felt that because she felt like a teenager at that moment. She felt even in love, as she had felt in high school when the boy she had liked called her to ask her about their homework and told her that he was barely waiting for the weekend to be over and see her again. This thought made her smile¡­ so strange she felt at that moment, squeezing her phone in her hand while her teary eyes were staring at the flames in the fireplace, which she found burning so strangely at that late hour.


    Soon after that, Kate looked at Jonathan, who was sleeping so tightly on that big bed. He hadn¡¯t even bothered to take his shoes off or change his clothes. Kate did the same: she didn¡¯t bother to take his shoes and coat off. No. She decided that at least that night not to worry about him but about herself. Kate did that because of Erin¡¯s words, who talked to her about happiness and dreams that night. At the same time, she had also been impressed by the way Alex had answered the phone and, without thinking too much about this, he decided to see her, although it was so late already.


    ?Something Jonathan wouldn¡¯t have ever done,¡± she whispered, looking at his tired face, even if Ward was sleeping. ?Yes, he wouldn¡¯t have ever done that. He would have told me not to be a child and to go to sleep because it was too late already. Or¡­ he wouldn¡¯t have answered my call. Alex instead¡­¡±


    When Jonathan moved in his sleep, Kate suddenly silenced the voice of her mind. She didn¡¯t do that because of fear but because she felt guilt for thinking about another man when she had her boyfriend with her. Yet¡­ was it really her guilt for that strange situation between them? Had she been so wrong in that story? No, she was sure that it wasn¡¯t anything like that because she had fought so much for that relationship to work. She¡¯d been the only one fighting for their relationship while Ward didn¡¯t make the smallest effort for that. All he did was to find excuses, glorifying his work but never her. At the same time, he appreciated more those who surrounded him and not their love. That¡¯s why he was leaving her alone and forgot her. At least this was what Kate thought about them eventually - that he had completely forgotten her and, leaving her alone, he made her look for another man. ?One that cares so much and is concerned for me not to be alone or need something. You instead¡­ you haven¡¯t cared about this for so long.¡±


    Such thoughts made Kate shed tears. Tears that stopped running when they were halfway down her cheeks because she wiped them. Then, grabbing her coat and the keys, Kate left the hotel room when she felt that she lacked air. She didn¡¯t feel that because of the strong alcohol smell felt from Jonathan but because of everything she felt¡­ that she hadn¡¯t been strong enough to resist temptation, and this made her feel so guilty. Yet, she wasn¡¯t able to live with her loneliness only, not anymore. All this hurt her so much, and this was so because she had given up on so many things for a relationship that seemed not to have a future anymore.


    ***


    Kate¡¯s upset was undoubtedly because of Jonathan that night. It was his fault for appearing there that night and spoiling her good mood, bringing her back to a world of sadness and solitude, where he abandoned her since they came to Westport. Or maybe he left her there longer than this?!


    Honestly, Kate wasn¡¯t sure of anything lately. She wasn¡¯t even sure of herself, of what she wanted from life, of people around her, those who had always judged her and asked for more than they could have given her, just as she wasn¡¯t sure that that life which she lived could have made her happy. No, she was sure that that love wasn¡¯t making her happy, a love she was still clinging to, and she was sure of this because she had seen a new face of the world: the one where others cared about her and wanted her to be happy, without asking for something in exchange.


    It¡¯s better to say that Kate understood this after she¡¯d seen love in Mark¡¯s eyes at the dinner when he had so gently looked at Erin. She¡¯d also seen love in Alex¡¯s eyes - love for his sister. Then she felt in him the concern because that love, between the two brothers, was unique - they cared about each other and were capable of giving up on their happiness to make sure the other one would be happy, a sacrifice Kate understood she was also capable of. Kate knew that because she had sacrificed for others so many times before - for her family, friends, and, not least, for Jonathan, without feeling the same thing from him.


    Or maybe everything had been an illusion? The fact that she¡¯d seen happiness in the eyes of the others and that she also felt the love in their hearts? Yes, it might have happened because she had dreamt and longed for that for so long. Instead of these feelings, she received only part of them, small pieces that others could give her to keep her with them, to control and make her wait for them, making Kate think that waiting meant being happy.


    ?How stupid I¡¯ve been,¡± she murmured and sighed. Then, she shuddered again, pulling her coat closer to her body.


    She was in front of the hotel at that moment, waiting for Alex. Yes, Kate was again waiting, but she had no choice this time because she didn¡¯t want to be accompanied only by loneliness at that moment, as it had happened so many times before, but by someone alive. She looked for that because she hated to be held by hand only by sadness and by that longing for a better future. What the woman dreamt of was to feel someone¡¯s warm hand holding hers. ?Just as it happened that cold November night,¡± she whispered melancholically because she was sure that Alex did that not to warm her hand that night but to show her his care. Honestly, that night when Alex so unexpectedly appeared on that dark narrow street to protect her from those two strangers who were bothering her, Kate finally felt someone¡¯s care for her, even if that someone was a simple stranger to her.


    ?I felt so good even if he did that because of kindness,¡± Kate caught another thought crossing her mind, a sad thought that made her shudder again. ?No, it can¡¯t be,¡± she stubbornly denied the truth¡­ that truth that her mind tried to make her see it. ?It couldn¡¯t have been only because of kindness because I saw the interest in his eyes. Yes, I saw interest in his glance in the evening when he asked me to dance with him. I clearly saw that interest in him and I also felt it because his heart so strangely beat in his chest and he so pleasantly smelled like coffee.¡±


    Kate smiled. ?Coffee!¡± Yes, coffee had always been her biggest weakness. Especially, the bitter taste of coffee with cinnamon or vanilla had been her weakness, something that had always made her vibrate each time she sipped from it. An aroma that made her happy, but which became special the moment she crossed the threshold of the coffee shop ?Aisling.¡± This happened because that day she looked into the blue eyes of the owner of the coffee shop when he prepared that coffee for her, and Kate felt alive again and that she had feelings.


    ?Yet, what kind of feelings I had then?¡± Kate wondered this after a few moments when she remembered that rainy day in November. ?Nostalgia? Happiness? Or maybe¡­ it had been something more?¡± She wasn¡¯t that sure. Honestly, she wasn¡¯t sure of anything, especially of everything that had something to do with her because she had been wrong so many times before when she thought that she knew what life meant and that she knew well those that were with her. She¡¯d been wrong though. She¡¯d been wrong so many times before that she lost the number. Kate had even forgotten about herself, thinking that she was learning things about others this way, things that might have helped them be happy and her to be appreciated, although she missed so many things, and the biggest lack of her life was exactly love.


    Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    Because of love, Kate eventually hid between books. She did that in the hope that she¡¯d find there what she had always looked for while wandering the world. She wanted at least there, through the book¡¯s pages, to feel what love meant and what the real melody of love was - the melody of an in-love heart that beats only in the rhythm of another heart.


    Yes - she found all this while reading books. She found happiness, but not in herself but in other lonely beings like her. Kate found all this through the lines of the books but never while walking on the street or looking into the eyes of people, something that brought disappointment in her eyes soon after this. This happened because she thought that she didn¡¯t see happiness in others¡¯eyes because she wasn¡¯t capable of loving enough or making others love her.


    That¡¯s why, because she didn¡¯t see happiness and love in people¡¯s eyes, Kate stopped looking into them. She looked at the ground instead, at the top of her stiletto shoes each time she was slowly walking on the street. Kate also looked at the sky when she was sitting on a bench in the park and could leave aside, even if for a short time only, the story she was reading. Thus, looking at the sky, she saw love, the one hidden through clouds and so warmly embraced by the rays of the November sun. At the same time, there was happiness in those yellow leaves too, those leaves that danced with the wind, falling off the branches and heading toward a new love - earth, the one that had always given them warmth and life when they looked at it from above and calmly waited for them to warm it when the autumn would come. Thus, the earth was sure it would be able to endure the longing and would allow the wind to take the soul of those leaves on its wings and take them so far¡­ toward the horizon, in its warm arms.


    ?What about people?¡± Kate whispered and sighed again. ?What about our longing that¡¯s not rewarded eventually? What about the longing and our dedication that serve for nothing eventually? I don¡¯t know. I really don¡¯t know. I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s worth it¡­ all this and if they are the equivalent of happiness. Honestly, I don¡¯t think they are because there can¡¯t be happiness where there are only tears and when your heart is hurt.¡±


    Looking into the distance, after she had finally dared to take her eyes off the top of her shoes, which she looked at for so long, Kate met Alex¡¯s eyes. He was stopped a few meters from her, on the other sidewalk. Why he was there and didn¡¯t approach her, Kate wasn¡¯t sure. She didn¡¯t even care about that. She only smiled when the man did the same, seeing her looking at him. Then, with that large smile sketched on her face, Kate headed toward the man who was crossing the street already, having a single destination - Her.


    ***


    Those steps were perfectly set up. They had a single rhythm and a single melody accompanied them because¡­ it couldn¡¯t be different when two hearts had the same rhythm. For whom those hearts were beating? For love. For that love hidden through a book¡¯s pages, a love that those two hearts had dreamt of for an entire life, but which they thought they wouldn¡¯t ever meet it.


    At least this happened in Kate¡¯s case, who had believed in Jonathan. She had believed in that love that had to bring happiness at her feet and fulfillment in her soul. What that relationship brought her instead was the longing closer and the sadness in her eyes, just as it brought disappointment into her arms¡­ so many times before.


    Because of this, Kate¡¯s eyes shed tears again. Tears that she hid soon after this, looking elsewhere. She did that because of the sadness that sneaked into her heart again, making her feel that she lacked air. Disappointment that was undoubtedly tied by the man she had left sleeping in the hotel room and who made her want to stay far away from him that night.


    The reason? Betray hurt her. Especially, what hurt her more were those few words written by the ?other one¡± in a simple but clear message ?I¡¯m sorry, love. I know I¡¯ve been wrong.¡± A message that Kate read by pure chance while she was still hiding in the bathroom and waiting for Ward to calm down and fall asleep. Words that made her heart bleed more because it meant that what she had been thinking about in those few weeks weren¡¯t only suspicions anymore but reality - Jonathan was cheating on her. He did that. Not with a random woman but with his secretary, about whom he told Kate so many times before that had nothing special, at least not something that could make him pay attention to her. ?Only her green eyes, which seem to have made him fall for them and forget about us,¡± Kate thought, sighing again.


    Kate winced after this when she felt Alex watching her. ?Something happened?¡± He shyly asked her.


    Kate didn¡¯t answer. She felt weird and somehow ashamed to say something. She simply couldn¡¯t tell him that she called Alex there, during the night, because she suffered because of someone else. No, she simply couldn¡¯t tell him that he was the only person she had thought about as being the one who could save her from loneliness and black thoughts, something that would have undoubtedly overwhelmed her if she had stood all night long in that hotel room or worse - locked in the bathroom.


    What she could tell him instead had been ?Thoughts! Yes, it¡¯s undoubtedly because of thoughts¡­ this sigh. And, maybe¡­ it¡¯s also because of what happened today.¡±


    ?Because of what happened today?¡± The man asked, confused. ?Do you mean at the dinner?¡±


    ?Honestly, yes. I started to feel strange when we were having dinner. I felt confused and¡­ like a stranger.¡±


    ?Was it because of us? Did we upset you or maybe¡­¡±


    ?¡­no! It wasn¡¯t because of you but because of everything that I experienced today. It¡¯s better to say that I feel like that because I¡¯ve tasted happiness again and I don¡¯t know if I can live without it anymore.¡±


    Alex frowned. ?You don¡¯t know if you can live without happiness anymore?¡± He asked, confused. Then, suddenly, Alex smiled. ?Something I can¡¯t understand, Kate. I can¡¯t understand why exactly you should live without happiness when you deserve that.¡±


    ?Because¡­¡± Kate stuttered, not knowing what else to say. No, she knew. She knew that answer, but she was afraid to say it loudly. Kate was afraid to say loudly ?Because I don¡¯t deserve it, once I didn¡¯t know to choose love well. Especially, I didn¡¯t know how to choose the one who is with me today. If you had been with me now, then¡­¡±


    Such a thought made Kate wince again. After that, she looked at Alex, scared because it was the first time she was seeing the man Alex and not a simple friend. Not that she hadn¡¯t considered him a real man before or felt jealousy, but because she thought that he might have been someone able to make her happy. Yes, it was undoubtedly because of this - she had been happy since she met him, he made her compare her life with Cinderella¡¯s life and with the life of so many other happy characters, just as she compared love with the smell of coffee.


    ?It¡¯s been because of him,¡± Kate whispered in her head, staring at Alex, who did the same, but who looked so confused at that moment. ?It¡¯s been because I¡¯ve finally seen what a man¡¯s care for a woman means, especially for me. Yes, he¡¯s the one who made me feel like a woman again, to remember that I also exist in this world, that I¡¯m important, and that I don¡¯t deserve just to wait for something. At least, it¡¯s not worth waiting for the one who forgot the way back to you, since long ago, just to make you value him more. This man instead¡­ gave me everything without waiting for nothing in exchange, and I think this is the real love and longing.¡±


    At that moment, Kate felt the thrill. She felt it so pleasantly running through her body and making her slowly shiver. It was undoubtedly love in her heart. Or maybe just¡­ longing? Kate wasn¡¯t that sure and didn¡¯t even care too much about this. She just felt it because it was something she had longed for so long - to feel so intensely that pleasant thrill of love, a thrill she had forgotten about, but which she couldn¡¯t confuse anymore with the regrets while wondering ?What if or why?¡±


    What Kate did instead was to stop. Alex did the same, looking at her after this - he was confused. Then, so unexpectedly that the man¡¯s heart stopped in his chest, for seconds only, Kate hugged him. After that, she whispered, ?Let¡¯s stay like that, Alex! At least for a little bit! I need to hear your heart beating, to feel its calmness, something I haven¡¯t felt for so long!¡±


    The man¡¯s heart was so pleasantly beating at that moment. It seemed to be a sweet melody, something she had been longing for. A melody that filled her eyes with tears again, making her vibrate because¡­ oh, God, she felt so good to be stuck to his chest. She felt alive and that she was loved, although she knew that it wasn¡¯t fair to feel all this once she wasn¡¯t his. Yet, she wanted to do that, with all her heart. Kate wanted all this because she was alive, a woman whose heart was beating in the rhythm of love and longing. She was undoubtedly crazy if she could hug him - at night, on the street - another man and not the one she considered hers. Even so, Kate knew that her madness was something she could forgive because it was born from betrayal, something that still didn¡¯t make her want revenge - at least not with this man who made her vibrate again.


    No, Kate didn¡¯t use Alex at that moment. She just¡­ did what she felt: she wanted to have him close because he made her feel alive, a woman who was loved and protected in his arms. A man who stood with her, even if she knew that it wasn¡¯t fair to do that while she was someone else¡¯s woman, ?Of a Worthy Rival¡± as Alex had always thought about Jonathan.


    At that moment though, he didn¡¯t want to think about all this. Yes, he didn¡¯t want that because he dreamt of this all those three weeks since he met Kate. That¡¯s why he afforded the luxury of having her - something he had always denied to him. And, so suddenly, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to his chest, so happily smiling while looking at the sky¡­ that sky that witnessed their romance so many times before and which Alex had asked for a miracle. One that happened eventually because flakes of snow suddenly started to fall from above, surrounding them. ?Flakes of innocence and pure love,¡± the man thought after this, sticking his cheek on the top of her head and silently listening to the rhythmic dance of her heart on his chest.


    Hugging each other and lonely, on an empty street that lacked people, two in-love people were watched by white tears that were falling from above¡­ the tears of an in-love sky. Tears that had the form of innocent flakes of snow this time, flakes that surrounded them from everywhere, whispering into their ears those whispers of love, whispers like ?The first flakes of snow always bring happiness in your souls, joining destinies and maybe bringing more¡­¡±

 CHAPTER 18: SACRIFICES IN THE NAME OF LONGING

    The phone call received from Murphy, who asked him to meet him that night, had been something totally unexpected for Alex. The reason? Murphy wasn¡¯t the kind of man to see his friends voluntarily or be the initiator of a meeting with them. At least, Alex was sure that Lucas wasn¡¯t the man to ask him to meet one evening just to share some thoughts or talk about experiences because even if Murphy was a really good guy, he wasn¡¯t one of his best friends. Not that Lucas Murphy had had so many friends but¡­ even so, asking Doyle to meet that night, seemed to be something out of the ordinary.


    Such a request started to bother Alex¡¯s mind while he headed toward the ?The Danny¡¯s.¡± He took his car that night, a BMW X6, and didn¡¯t walk as he used to do in the evenings. The reason? A very simple one: the coffee shop was pretty crowded that night, and Robert would have encountered difficulties taking care of the clients alone. Even so, when Alex told him that he had to go out for a short while to meet a friend, Robert didn¡¯t say no, but cheerfully answered, ?No problem, Mister Alex. This place will breathe at least this way¡­ without you here.¡±


    Alex squinted at his assistant. ?Are you trying to replace me?¡± He asked Robert in a serious voice, although he tried to make a joke.


    Robert didn¡¯t lose his temper after such words but cheerfully replied again, ?Well, replacing you, maybe I won¡¯t be able to. Yet, having this coffee shot only for me, even for a single night, I can. Thus, the clients will admire only me and appreciate my dedication to this place.¡±


    ?If you say so!¡± Alex said, smiling. Then, turning his back to Robert, he rushed to leave the coffee shop and headed down the street where he parked his car that morning after he returned from the company where he helped Erin with a small project, in which she asked his help.


    Heading toward his car, Alex frowned, even if he was smiling when he left the coffee shop. Yes, Alex smiled because he considered that Robert¡¯s joke had been a very good one. Actually, he had always found Robert¡¯s jokes to be good, especially lately, after that night when he had a walk with Kate, who asked him to meet her even if it was already late at night. After that night, Alex felt that his wings healed and he was able to fly toward the sky again.


    Not the same happened when he remembered Lucas Murphy and his serious voice, who told him when they talked by phone, ?Can we meet tonight, Doyle? I need to talk to you, even if it¡¯s only for a few minutes.¡±


    ?The reason?¡± Alex asked in a rush, seeing how many clients were in the coffee shop and that Robert struggled with the orders.


    ?Just¡­,¡± replied Murphy thoughtfully, after a few moments of silence. ?¡­I feel that I have to talk to someone about what I feel. Not with a random person, but with you, Alex.¡±


    This ?with you¡± finally convinced Doyle that it was a good idea to see the poet that night and find out what that one wanted to tell him because, even if they weren¡¯t that close, they still had a lot in common. Especially, both of them used to be weird sometimes. That¡¯s why Alex felt that he understood Murphy and why this one appreciated loneliness and longing, something he had appreciated not only once in his life. Alex was so sure of this - that Lucas and he had similar thoughts and feelings. Why was he so sure? Because not only once did he hear Lucas talking, even if occasionally, about his inner sufferance. Suffering that most of the time was an exaggeration, something well known by all of Murphy¡¯s friends. Even so, each time they heard the poet talking about his inner sufferance, and even if they also used to make fun of him because of this, his friends were still preoccupied with Murphy, whom they knew as a sentimental guy and vulnerable.


    ?As he seemed to be tonight when we talked by phone,¡± Alex thought, driving and often frowning. ?And as he seemed to me often lately. I think his voice was deep, somehow concerned, as though something was pressing over his soul. Has he gotten ill?¡±


    Such thoughts made Alex wince eventually. He even felt cold drops of sweat running down his back. Why? Because he felt that each time he was thinking that someone whom he cared about could suffer. Just as he was shuddering because of the thought that ?Murphy seems to be in serious problems. Yes, he seems to be in problems and doesn¡¯t know what to do to solve them. It might be because of this that he called me and asked me to see him. Even so, I don¡¯t think he wants to see me just to ask for a piece of good advice but to talk to me about his thoughts only. I feel that¡¯s something like that because I¡¯d have done that if I were him.¡±


    Remembering the sufferance, something that was somehow equal to Kate¡¯s, Alex sighed. He did that with all his heart because, even if they spent that night together and she hugged him, she wasn¡¯t his. She was undoubtedly someone else¡¯s, of that ?Worthy Rival,¡± someone about whom Alex didn¡¯t know too many things. Still, he knew one thing about him - that Kate was his, someone Alex would have wanted only for him.


    Yes, he would have wanted her close¡­ Alex would have undoubtedly wanted her only for him. Nevertheless, he had to accept that he didn¡¯t have such power. Especially, he couldn¡¯t betray that other man just to make sure he¡¯d be happy. Alexander really couldn¡¯t do that because, so many times before, he¡¯d been the one who suffered because another man took the woman he cared about. That¡¯s why he couldn¡¯t take Kate from the ?other one,¡± even if she seemed so unhappy.


    ?Even so, she seems to prefer him. She seems to want him with her because¡­ I understood, from what she told me that night, that she¡¯d been happy with him. She¡¯d been loved and loved him. That¡¯s why, she won¡¯t be ever capable of leaving her past behind and being happy with me. No, Alex, she won¡¯t ever do that, just as you won¡¯t ever be happy if you live in the shadow of the other one - like that in-love ghost that cannot leave her or leave this world behind. Why? Because of your heart that would be in chains, tightly tied by this earth.¡±


    Such thoughts filled Alex¡¯s eyes with tears. He shed those tears only for seconds because other thoughts, those about Murphy and his serious voice, brought Alex back to his senses. At the same time, such thoughts made him understand that he wasn¡¯t able to control himself anymore, just as he wasn¡¯t sure anymore of what he should have done. All he knew was that he had to live his life the best he could¡­ step by step, with hope in his soul that maybe tomorrow, the second that comes, it¡¯ll be better for him and that maybe tomorrow the sun will rise on his street too¡­


    ***


    Getting to ?The Danny¡¯s,¡± Alex had been so amazed to see only a few clients there that night. Just a small group, of about six people, was at one of the pool tables, and Lucas. This one was sitting at one of the tables that were in one of the further corners of the pub, somehow surrounded by shadow, with a glass of whisky in front, with his head bowed and his shoulders hunched. This let Alex understand that he hadn¡¯t been at all wrong coming there that night and that Murphy really needed a friend at that moment. It was pretty obvious that Lucas Murphy was overwhelmed by pain because only a man who suffered could look as he looked at that moment.


    Even if Alex understood this, he didn¡¯t approach Murphy right after entering the pub. He stopped a few meters from the entrance and, with his hands in his pockets and the pain in his soul, he looked at Murphy for a while. Alex looked at Lucas, but he also felt that the other one¡¯s pain was his too. Yes, Alex felt that with all his heart, just as he felt deserted because Murphy seemed so small in his eyes at that moment and so unhappy. ?He looks like someone I won¡¯t ever want to look like. At least not while being in such a place and suffering as he seems to suffer because¡­ suffering is so hard and contagious.¡±


    Eventually, Doyle winced when he felt someone¡¯s hand touching his right shoulder. Looking over his shoulder, he saw Farrell, something that amazed Alex a lot, because he didn¡¯t see his friend when he entered the pub, just as he didn¡¯t hear the door opening behind him. Even so, Logan Farrell was there, only one step from him, touching his shoulder and seeming concerned while looking at Murphy. Alex was sure that he saw the concern in Logan¡¯s eyes because that one kept staring at Murphy, slowly biting his lower lip while his Adam¡¯s apple was moving up and down, in an uncontrolled movement.


    ?Something happened, Logan?¡± Alex eventually asked when he could control his emotions. ?You seem worried.¡±


    ?I am,¡± replied Farrell right away. ?For him.¡±


    Alex smiled. ?And you really seem to be concerned. Yet, I don¡¯t understand why. As far as I know, Lucas and you haven¡¯t ever been close friends.¡±


    ?And you are right. We haven¡¯t ever been that close, Alex. Even so, I feel that I betrayed him and that I could have been closer to him when he was so overwhelmed by black thoughts and feelings. Yet, I haven¡¯t been there for him. I haven¡¯t been because it seemed to me an exaggeration - all he said or felt. It seemed to be the usual madness of a lonely and in-love poet, nothing more.¡±


    Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.


    ?And it wasn¡¯t?¡± Logan nodded. ?Why?¡±


    ?Just¡­ thoughts and words I heard others saying while they passed by me.¡±


    ?You don¡¯t seem pretty convinced of this,¡± whispered Alex, smiling. Yet, seeing Farrell¡¯s serious look, who kept staring in front, Alex also turned serious. Then, only half turned toward Logan, he asked, ?What exactly do you know about Lucas, Farrell? What exactly happens to him right now?¡±


    ?Honestly, not that much, Alex. As I said, I heard gossip, nothing more. Yet, it¡¯s been enough to be concerned because, as I know Lucas, even that could have been a tragedy for him. Actually, it not only could have been but it is, judging by his sour face and his bowed head.¡±


    ?Gossip about what exactly?¡± Insisted Alex in finding out an answer. He was preoccupied.


    ?About Lucas¡¯s biggest love. A girl whom he gave his heart, receiving only slaps from her. Yes, Alex, Lucas suffers because of love right now and I¡¯m so afraid that he won¡¯t ever stay on his feet again, at least not as firmly as he stood by now.¡±


    ?He will,¡± Doyle replied right away and then sighed. ?He¡¯ll stay firmly on his feet again and we¡¯ll be close to him. Now, let¡¯s go with him.¡±


    Farrell nodded. ?You should better go alone,¡± he confidently told Doyle. ?You can understand him and you¡¯ll talk to him with your heart. I, instead, if I find out details, I¡¯ll scold him for sure, and this won¡¯t do him any good. He¡¯ll also dislike my presence with you because¡­ so many times before, I¡¯ve made fun of him when he said something about his feelings, calling him a frick. Something I am sorry about.¡±


    ?Tell him about this. I¡¯m sure this will make him feel better.¡±


    ?No, Alex. If I talk to him about this, he¡¯ll think I¡¯m making fun of him again or that I say all this just to make him feel better. No, I won¡¯t tell him anything. Not now. I¡¯ll just stay there, in that corner, where I¡¯ve been sitting since I entered this pub, quietly waiting for you two to finish talking. Then, as a shadow, I¡¯ll follow him because¡­ Alex, I¡¯m so afraid that we¡¯ll lose him this time. I¡¯m so afraid that our friend Murphy will do something reckless this time.¡±


    Eyes bathed by tears, Farrell withdrew to his table that was in the corner from the right of the entrance door. There, covered by shadow, he sat at the table again, looking at Murphy. Farrell was barely visible at that table due to the weak light and the smoke of hookah, something he preferred because all this hid him from Murphy.


    Logan Farrell had been at that table since Murphy entered the pub. He kept an eye on his friend all that time because he cared so much about Lucas. Nevertheless, he hadn¡¯t ever told Lucas about what he felt because Logan Farrell was like that - he preferred to love and protect his friends from the shadow but never let them know that he was there for them. The reason? He thought they¡¯d make fun of him if finding out about his feelings. He thought that his care would have been considered an exaggeration, nothing sincere, even if Logan Farrell had always been sincere about what he felt.


    ***


    ?Her name is Sam,¡± Lucas suddenly said, making Alex wince. ?Samantha Smith. A woman like the one I haven¡¯t ever met before. A woman who made me lose my head and soul, Alex. She¡¯s someone I¡¯ll visit hell for, just to make her happy, although she made me so unhappy all this time.¡±


    Alexander said nothing after such words. He only stared at Murphy¡¯s face, hearing this one often sighing after this. This was what made Alex worried about Lucas. It was impossible not to do that when he saw the black marks under the poet¡¯s eyes, his pale face, and his eyes that were barely shining, just as he saw his bony hands that were somehow involuntarily squeezing the glass of whisky - a hint that Lucas Murphy had been drinking too much lately.


    Doyle wasn¡¯t sure only of this - that Murphy had spent the last days if not weeks drinking but also the fact that Lucas seemed changed. How exactly? He couldn¡¯t understand. Alex just felt something different about the man in front of him, about that soul that seemed to suffer so much at that moment because of a woman who he loved, but who didn¡¯t feel the same.


    Suddenly, Alex winced. This happened the moment he caught a thought crossing his mind. ?Will I also look like him one day?¡± A thought that made him shudder eventually because he hadn¡¯t ever thought about this - that Kate would leave someday, following that ?Worthy Rival,¡± and that he¡¯d remain lonely and suffering, closed in his shell made from longing and sufferance, thinking only about her.


    Yet, Doyle still had some time before such thoughts would have materialized. He still had time to think about her but later. At that moment, he decided to be body and soul for Murphy, whose suffering was something real while his suffering was only part of the future. ?Sufferance that won¡¯t maybe come,¡± Doyle thought, squeezing his fingers around the glass of soda he bought for him, telling Lucas that he had to drive when this one asked him to drink something with him.


    Alex regretted his decision though - that he didn¡¯t also ask for a glass of whisky. If he had done that, this would have helped him stop thinking about his pain and focus on his friend. At least this was what Doyle thought - that the alcohol would have helped him with this, although he wasn¡¯t the kind of man who solved his problems drinking, thinking that alcohol hadn¡¯t ever been the best solution for problems.


    What Alex was sure of was that Murphy suffered because of that woman, Samantha Smith. Who exactly this Mrs. or Miss was, Alex had no idea. He hadn¡¯t ever been interested in her, although Lucas had mentioned something about his beautiful muse before. Yes, Doyle hadn¡¯t ever been interested in her, not because he wasn¡¯t interested in Murphy¡¯s fate but because he had always thought that this was something personal, something that belonged to Lucas only, someone about whom he would have talked to them eventually when the right time would have come, as it happened at that moment. Lucas told Alex about her that night, but he only mentioned her name, that he loved her, and that he suffered so much because of her. Even so, Alex decided that it was enough details to ask Murphy more about her, like ?Who is she, Lucas? This Samantha, I mean. And¡­ why did she make you suffer so much?¡±


    ?Because¡­ she hadn¡¯t ever appreciated my love. She hasn¡¯t ever seen me but him.¡±


    ?Him? Whom exactly? Someone I know?¡± Murphy shook his head. ?Then?¡±


    ?Just¡­ someone that was passing by here.¡±


    Alex winced again. ?Passing by? Do you mean that he¡¯s a stranger?¡± Murphy nodded this time, making Alex freeze for a few moments. Then, Alex shuddered when he remembered that Kate was a stranger to those places, just like the¡­ ?Worthy Rival.¡± Yet, ?No, it can¡¯t be,¡± Doyle murmured, making Lucas attentive.


    ?It can¡¯t be what?¡± The poet asked. ?Do you think you know the one with whom Sam has left?¡±


    ?Honestly, I have no idea,¡± Alex murmured eventually. ?I don¡¯t think I know him because¡­ you also know that I don¡¯t love meeting new people.¡±


    ?Well, this is true,¡± replied Murphy, forcing a smile. ?You haven¡¯t ever loved people, even if they loved you so much. Do you know why?¡± Alex shook his head. ?Because¡­ love can be felt coming from you, Doyle. At the same time, the warmth you can give to others is felt very well, making them think that they can trust you. Just as I¡¯ve always done.¡±


    Doyle smiled. ?May I know why? I mean¡­ why do you think I make you trust me?¡±


    ?Because this is so: I feel so well with you. I feel something warm and pleasant inside. At the same time, the smell of fresh coffee that comes from you and the smell of books have always driven me crazy, something I¡¯ve always been in love with.¡±


    ?Just as I know you¡¯ve always been in love with her, with the one you said that her name is Sam. Or¡­ am I wrong now?¡±


    ?No, you aren¡¯t wrong. I¡¯ve actually always been in love only with her.¡±


    ?Even so, you said so many times that there was another one that made you suffer and that you were always in love with women. Did you lie to us?¡±


    Murphy shook his head again. ?I just¡­ didn¡¯t want to accept reality: that I¡¯ve been lied to and ignored by her. She has done that since we were in high school. It¡¯s when I saw her for the first time, in the school¡¯s yard. She was reading a book when I saw her. A book of poems, a book whose title I haven¡¯t found out until nowadays. Yet, that book¡¯s title is something I¡¯ve been in love with all this time. And, honestly, because of the same book, I¡¯ve started to write poems.¡±


    Alex smiled. ?Because of her?¡±


    ?That¡¯s right. Because of her, I¡¯ve embraced this music of letters that hold hands and build, step by step, the melody of the poems and longing. I¡¯ve written lyrics about a pair of blue eyes and about blond curls, something that had always had the smell of snowflakes. I wrote poetry about us, Alex. Yes, I wrote lyrics about us, poetry I¡¯ve always fought for. I¡¯ve stubbornly wanted to make it real, not to be sad or wistful but happy. I looked for a real story about us. Yet, this hadn¡¯t ever been real because she never looked at me with the eyes of love. At least, she never looked at me as I wanted to be watched by her. Something that makes me suffer so much today.¡±


    ?Still, maybe there is still a chance for this to happen someday,¡± murmured Doyle eventually, not at all convinced.


    ?No,¡± Lucas rushed to answer. ?This won¡¯t ever happen because, starting today, Sam is a free bird that flies toward the sky in the rhythm of the other two wings.¡±


    ?She¡¯s getting married,¡± Alex thought, staring at Murphy. ?This Samantha has chosen another man. That¡¯s why Lucas suffers - because he hasn¡¯t ever been able to make her his. And¡­ What¡¯s the deal with this love: it always runs away from you when you long for it the most. It runs the moment you think you tightly hold its hand, just to understand eventually that all you¡¯ve had was the betrayal, at the distance of just a hand stretched to the side¡­¡±

 CHAPTER 19: IS THIS LOVE OR JUST ANOTHER WAR?

    ?Still, he left,¡± Alex thought. He was so sad that he felt pain in his chest when he sighed. ?Lucas Murphy has chosen the pain and the fire of hell instead of suffering and loneliness.¡±


    ?Instead of suffering? Whom are you talking about?¡± Kate asked, making Alex wince.


    Doyle didn¡¯t answer but only forced a smile. This was all he could do at that moment because he couldn¡¯t tell her that his best friend, one of his soul friends, decided to go to war. Lucas didn¡¯t go to a fake war, holding a gun in his hand to make sure he¡¯d avenge his hurt soul, but to keep a pencil in his hand and tell others what it meant the hell called war and how others could write about it.


    Thinking about all this and squeezing in his hand the letter he had received that morning from Murphy, a letter he had kept in his right chest pocket all day long, Alex felt as though he was the unhappiest man on the earth. He was really unhappy that day, even if his happiness was next to him at that moment. Yes, she was there, although she was considered only a ?friend¡± because this was all Doyle could dream of while being with her. He could only dream about her and the pain in his soul because, finding out that Lucas Murphy went to Syria as a war correspondent, marked him so much that Alex felt unable to control himself anymore. Even so, he told nobody about his pain. He did that not because he wanted to keep it only for himself but because he knew that others wouldn¡¯t have understood Murphy¡¯s reasons for abandoning the world and sinking into that hell of flames that was also called a war of pain.


    Instead, Alex understood very well why Murphy did that. He knew that Lucas did that for love and because he listened to his injured heart. At the same time, Alex knew that Lucas did that to clear his mind, thinking that there, among bullets and ruins, he¡¯d be able to rebuild his heart and recover his lost soul. Then, when he would have had all that back, and his soul would have been hardened again, he would have returned in the form of a magic bird that was reborn from its own ashes, a bird that would fly toward the sun again. Yes, Murphy would have undoubtedly flown toward a great future, one he had been dreaming about since he was a kid and about which he¡¯d talked to Alex that night at ?The Danny¡¯s.¡±


    Actually, that night in the pub, after he talked about Samantha and his big love, Murphy looked into Alex¡¯s eyes and confidently told him, ?You know, Doyle, I can read through your eyes. I see in them that you also suffer because of her.¡±


    Alex winced then, not understanding what exactly Murphy was talking about. Then, when he could control himself and looked into the eyes of the strange poet, he asked, ?Because of her? Do you mean Sam?¡±


    ?No, I meant the woman in general,¡± murmured Lucas. ?A beautiful woman, as far as I can understand. Still, she seems to be a forbidden woman.¡±


    ?What makes you think that?¡± Doyle asked, after a few moments of weird silence. ?Do my eyes talk to you about this too?¡±


    ?Honestly? Yes, Alex, your eyes have always talked to me. They talk about suffering and love, something you can only dream about¡­ silently and lonely. Now instead, I feel that you live a loneliness meant for two.¡±


    ?A loneliness for two? What do you mean, Lucas?¡±


    ?That you are in love and She, the woman, doesn¡¯t feel the same. I¡¯m not talking nonsense now, just as I¡¯m not going crazy while talking about the perfection of feelings and longing. I¡¯m talking about reality, Doyle. I¡¯m talking about the fact that you are in love and you know very well she won¡¯t ever feel the same thing as you feel.¡±


    ?You don¡¯t know that eventually. Anything can happen in this world. Nothing stays in place, not even we do that. That¡¯s why I think that what I feel for her, she also feels for me.¡±


    ?Why isn¡¯t she with you then? Why doesn¡¯t she stay by your side and doesn¡¯t make you happy?¡±


    ?Of course, she makes me happy!¡± Doyle rushed to reply, somehow raising his voice, trying to convince Murphy that it was true what he said and that his love was unique and fulfilled. ?I¡¯m really happy with her.¡±


    ?Then¡­ don¡¯t let her ever go and abandon you, Alex. If you are happy, fight for her, even if she seems to be someone else¡¯s woman. Make her feel the same thing as you feel. Make her heart beat only in the rhythm of your heart and her steps have the same rhythm as the melody of your footsteps. Doyle, it¡¯s the only way you¡¯ll be really happy.¡±


    That evening, Alex kept silent for a long time. He did that after Murphy¡¯s words. Alex was silent because he didn¡¯t know what to say or how to talk to Lucas about his fears and his thoughts, those that made him believe that it wasn¡¯t fair for him to take Kate from that ?Worthy Rival.¡± He thought that if he had told that to Murphy, he would have betrayed himself and Kate at the same time. Doyle thought that his happiness and pain should be something known only by him. Yet, he was wrong. He¡¯d been wrong but understood this when it was too late - when he found out that Murphy left so far away just to make sure he¡¯d forget about his pain one day. Even so, even if Lucas suffered so much, he still gave Alex a piece of good advice when he told Doyle to fight for Kate and never let her go.


    ?Will this be possible one day?¡± Alex suddenly whispered. Then, he looked to his right where Kate was, looking at him.


    Kate seemed to be as surprised as he was because of that sudden whisper. Yet, she said nothing to Doyle¡­ she just waited. Yes, Kate gave the man some time to dare to talk to her about his pain, thoughts, and worries. Instead of this, she saw the pain in Alex¡¯s eyes, pain she couldn¡¯t understand. Still, she was sure that his suffering had something to do with her. That¡¯s why she told him eventually, slowly whispering those words, as though she would have passed that suffering from the man¡¯s heart through her heart at first, ?If you really want that, it might happen one day.¡±


    ?Do you think so?¡± Alex asked after this. ?That the impossible might be possible one day?¡±


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    Kate smiled. ?Why not? I think that¡¯s possible. Eventually, nothing in this world is impossible, at least not for people. Just¡­ avoiding death might be impossible. Even so, if you really care about your life, I think you are even capable of avoiding death or at least deceiving it.¡±


    ?What if it¡¯s nothing like that, Kate? What if we are the only ones guilty of our suffering?¡±


    ?Then¡­ we should learn to live with that. Actually, life is built from suffering. At least, this is what I think because if we live in harmony and happiness all the time, we¡¯ll find this boring. Instead, holding the hand of pain and sadness, at least from time to time, we can grow up, be stronger, and, why not, fight for what we believe that¡¯s forbidden for us.¡±


    ?Something we aren¡¯t sure of eventually: that we can fight against ourselves and our disappointment.¡±


    ?Something that sounds like pessimism to me. And, you know: this seems strange to me because, even if you¡¯d always been strange, I still thought that you were optimistic.¡±


    Alex suddenly burst into laughter. ?Optimistic, I? I think you are wrong now. I¡¯ve always been melancholic and tormented by thoughts. A dreamer, it¡¯s better to say. At least, this is what others always said about me.¡±


    ?They¡¯ve been wrong then. Yes, they¡¯ve been wrong because¡­ Alex, our happiness is in our hands and not in theirs. This is something I¡¯ve convinced myself of not only once in my life.¡±


    ?Even so, we keep clinging to something impossible. Like¡­ others¡¯love for us.¡±


    Kate suddenly winced. ?Do you mean something or someone in particular?¡±


    ?No. I was talking about something abstract, something others always talk about. At the same time, I talk about those we always look for, even if they ignore us, and we do this because we think that we won¡¯t be able to live without them.¡±


    ?You are talking about someone now. At least, I feel this from what you¡¯ve just said. Or¡­ am I wrong now?¡±


    Alex didn¡¯t respond. He only looked elsewhere, somehow confused. He did that because it wasn¡¯t fair to talk to Kate about what he felt. In particular, he thought that it wasn¡¯t fair to tell her that it was something trivial and at all fair for her to continue next to that ?Worthy Rival¡± who made her so unhappy. Alex wasn¡¯t that sure of this, but he felt that she was sad. If she hadn¡¯t felt this and if she had been really happy next to Jonathan, she wouldn¡¯t have been with him that night but accompanying that other one. Yes, Kate would have been undoubtedly with Jonathan and not with him if she had been happy. Yet, once he wasn¡¯t sure that his thoughts were true, Doyle could only ask, ?How happy are you, Kate?¡±


    The woman next to him winced, looking at him, scared. ?Happy? What do you mean?¡± She asked.


    ?I¡¯m talking about you, Kate. Only about you because¡­ you aren¡¯t just another person to me. That¡¯s why I¡¯d like to know what you feel.¡±


    ?Nothing,¡± she whispered after a few moments. She was really confused. ?I feel nothing. Maybe only¡­ peace because¡­ I feel good right now.¡±


    Kate kept silent after this. She also smiled because the thought of ?I feel so good with you¡± filled her inside. She didn¡¯t want to tell Alex about this though because it would have meant she had to explain things and how she lived by then. Maybe¡­ she wouldn¡¯t have been forced to explain things to him but she was sure he would have asked her questions or reproached her that she didn¡¯t know to be happy. Not that those would have been questions about Jonathan, in particular, or about Susan and her suffering after she found out that she¡¯d been betrayed. At the same time, she would have been forced to tell Alex that she started to compare him with Ward and she did that because she wasn¡¯t sure anymore about what she felt. For none of them, by the way, because, since long ago, she didn¡¯t know if she loved Jonathan or Alex. She couldn¡¯t decide whom to be with eventually because she suffered so much in life, and this happened because she believed in others and gave everything without waiting for anything in exchange, being blind and maybe stupid.


    Instead of that, Kate preferred to be a coward. She preferred to stretch this moment and wait for what was coming. At the same time, she wanted to float on the waves of life and see where they¡¯d take her eventually, without fighting this time. All she wanted at that moment was to be happy, at least while life gave her this chance, forget about Ward and his affairs, about her weaknesses, and simply love. She wanted that because this had been something she managed to do so hard in the past, but which seemed so easy to do at that moment. Especially, Kate started to feel all this after she met Alex and made new friends like Erin and Mark, whom she thought were really nice and good people. At the same time, she hoped to spend more time with them and find her freedom again. And, why not, to find herself too, something she hadn¡¯t ever thought about before. Still, it was a thought that both tormented and encouraged her lately.


    Kate also started to think about love after this. Especially, she started to think about love after that night when Jonathan tried to force her to have intimacy. That night is when she understood that she was so hungry for love and to have a real man by her side. That¡¯s why she called Alex that night, even if she knew that maybe it wasn¡¯t right to do that and even if she felt that she was using him. Even so, Kate couldn¡¯t force herself not to do that. She couldn¡¯t tell herself to forget him and simply move on alone, and she couldn¡¯t do that because Alex became for her, in those few weeks since they knew each other, a kind of oasis of peace. At the same time, he was her soul friend, a special person with whom she could talk about books and her thoughts, those that others found weird when she tried to talk to them about what she felt and thought. Alex instead found them natural, interesting, and somehow spoken with the heart. That¡¯s why Kate couldn¡¯t force herself to give up on him and on those beautiful moments that they got to spend together lately.


    At the same time, Kate started to think about her life, which had been a kind of minefield for so long. Who were the mines in her life? All those that surrounded her and maybe herself. Honestly, Kate wasn¡¯t sure of this. What she knew for sure was that she had fought so much for her love as though she would have been on a battlefield, giving everything to succeed, even if she was always in the line of fire. ?As though I haven¡¯t ever deserved to know what real love meant or what someone¡¯s care feels.¡±


    Such words made her wince. Then she looked at Alex, whom she saw looking at the ground. He seemed so overwhelmed by everything that happened to him lately, and even sadness was seen in his eyes while his right hand, which he kept in his pocket, was rhythmically moving as though Alex was trying to grab something in that pocket, but he couldn¡¯t do that.


    Unwillingly, Kate grabbed him by the arm eventually, making him stop his movement and look at her, confused. None of them said anything after this. Only eventually did Kate stretch her arms to the sides and, smiling at him, she kindly said, ?If you need to hug someone and cry, I¡¯m here, Alex. I¡¯m here even if you only feel the need to be with someone. I won¡¯t ask for anything in exchange. Only¡­ I¡¯m just here, as long as you need that.¡±


    Smiling, Alex looked at her for a while. She seemed so calm and beautiful in his eyes. He has also seen himself reflected in her glance - an in-love weirdo, an afraid one. Yet, he told her nothing about his pain. Alex just hugged her and pulled her closer to him because Kate was eventually all he needed at that moment. Yes, he undoubtedly needed only her, her soul warmth and that warm breathing that was rhythmically dancing on the skin of his neck, something he felt so well and so pleasantly while holding her to his chest.

 CHAPTER 20: HAVING A HARD TIME…

    Two weeks have passed since Murphy went to Syria, but Alex still couldn¡¯t return to his previous life. He seemed absent all the time, thinking about something in particular and paying no attention to what happened around him but on the horizon, staying in front of the big window that faced East, as that day when he¡¯d seen Kate for the first time. And, as it happened that first day, he had a cup of fresh coffee in his hand, as though its aroma would have made him feel better. Or, its pleasant taste would have been that homing pigeon that could have taken his thoughts to Syria and told Lucas not to be afraid because he wasn¡¯t alone in this world and that he could trust his friends.


    With such thoughts in his head, another afternoon sneaked at the window of Alex¡¯s coffee shop. The man was still in front of the big window and looking at the street, at that great weather of early December that delighted his eyes with its white clothing of flakes. Even so, with all the white snow seen around, the sky was illuminated and warm, with those sun rays that were barely seen through the clouds, like those Heralds of Wealth and Peace, something that made one¡¯s soul feel so good, thinking that tomorrow would be better than today.


    Yet¡­ that wealth and peace weren¡¯t coming to Alexander Doyle¡¯s soul. They weren¡¯t coming because Alex felt that he lost a soul friend once Murphy left for Syria, even if they hadn¡¯t ever been that close. Yet, they¡¯d been thinking about the same thing in most of the cases, and this seemed to have been enough for both of them. At the same time, both of them suffered because of love and their eyes had seen the same silhouette of longing - the silhouette of the beautiful woman, something that filled the men¡¯s hearts to the brim, making them slowly vibrate each time they thought about the muse of their soul.


    Alex was thinking about her at that moment too. He was thinking about women in general and their beauty. At the same time, he thought that a woman¡¯s thinking could be something deep and difficult to understand, just as she sometimes seemed someone who couldn¡¯t be touched by others.


    He didn¡¯t think such things about Kate but about women in general. Why did he think about this? Because he understood how much suffering was in this world because of HER - because of a love for a pair of blue eyes or one that smelled like coffee, as he often felt at Kate. Yes, maybe he shouldn¡¯t have thought about her so much because he understood that he didn¡¯t have too many chances with her and that he would have eventually suffered just as Murphy suffered because of his muse. Yet, once his heart was stubborn, in love with the world and with the beauty of the woman, it wanted at any cost to beat only for her and only in the rhythm of her heart. It wanted to beat only in that rhythm set by two hands that touched each other on the sly one night, feeling the pleasant warmth of the other hand, something that wouldn¡¯t have let them release it ever.


    All these were simple memories though¡­ memories about the first night when he touched the soft skin of her palm to protect her from the world. Yet, it had been enough to understand that it had been what he had waited for all his life. It had been enough for Alex to understand that from that moment he wouldn¡¯t have loved anybody else, at least not as he got to love the stranger¡­ in time¡­


    ?A beautiful Helen of Troy who mercilessly conquered the castle of my soul with only one smile,¡± Alex thought, smiling. Then, bowing his head and sighing, barely heard, he caught another thought crossing his mind, the thought about ?Two black stiletto shoes, which were so pleasantly knocking on the autumn asphalt that night¡­ and on the asphalt of my soul. About the pleasant melody of two heels that made me vibrate that night, like that piano or violin music that I always loved to listen to. Just as I fell for the light of her eyes, something I saw right from the start when I saw her heading toward me¡­¡±


    She was also heading toward him at that moment. Yes, Kate was heading to the coffee shop at that moment too. He clearly saw her through that big window at which he looked again, smiling. And, like that first night, Kate was so beautiful¡­ much more beautiful than he ever thought she could be: with her chestnut curls that fell over her shoulders and that black coat she was wearing at that moment, a thick coat meant to protect her from the cold winters of Westport that could cruelly bite the skin sometimes.


    This time, Kate didn¡¯t wear high-heeled shoes but boots. She wore high-heeled boots with a knee-length upper part, hiding under the large skirts of the white dress she was wearing under the black coat that was seen on her shoulders. A white dress that perfectly combined with the coat of the winter, on which her boots were confidently stepping, those boots that didn¡¯t knock with their heels on the asphalt of the time but on the weather¡¯s coat¡­ a pure white¡­ as only the winter¡¯s coat could be¡­ a winter of soul.


    She was really coming that night, just as she had often come to his coffee shop lately. Actually, Kate had been there every single day in the last two weeks, spending the evenings along with Alex in front of the fireplace, sitting on that big armchair as she had sat the first day she¡¯d been there, with a book on her lap, and with love shining in her glance¡­ Yet, at this time, it was the love for life, the love for longing, and the love for the man who was sitting by her side, leaning on the back of his armchair with his eyes fixed on her. He did that while silently listening to her sweet voice reading the book she was always choosing¡­ A beautiful voice that made the other clients also listen to her reading, as though they would have lived along with Alex that love for the beauty of the world.


    When exactly these soul book sessions started, Alex wasn¡¯t that sure. He only remembered that it happened after Lucas¡¯s departure when he started to feel so lonely and so deserted. That evening, approaching Kate, to put a cup of fresh coffee next to her, she suddenly started to read fragments from ?Pride and Prejudice,¡± the book she was reading that evening. Fragments that reached Alex¡¯s soul, making him feel it as a kind of balm for the soul. All this made him forget about his duties in the coffee shop that night. And, sitting in the armchair that was to her right, which was free at that moment, Alex silently listened to the melody of her voice, which was reading about a pure love but still a proud one. A voice that read about longing and pain in the same flacon. A voice that read about two innocent souls that got to chase the love from them just because they couldn¡¯t do violence to their conscience and be with the one they loved forever.


    ?Just as I fell for her,¡± Alex thought that night, eyes on her. ?A beautiful Helen of Troy, a beautiful Helen in love with Paris, not knowing that another man, a shy and a silent soul, watches her from the shadows and is ready to put the world to her feet for a simple kiss. A kiss that I¡¯m still waiting for because¡­ this crazy heart doesn¡¯t let me steal that kiss from her or grab her hand and, never letting her go, to keep her close to me for an entire life¡­ like a saint relic that I¡¯ve always missed.¡±


    The man missed her so much at that moment too. Alex missed a beautiful love that was only theirs, not that love that he seemed to experience at that moment. Yes, Alex didn¡¯t want to share his love for Kate with another man, with the other one who was still a ?Worthy Rival¡± in his eyes.


    Why exactly Alex continued to consider Jonathan a ?Worthy Rival,¡± he had no idea. All he knew was that any man in this world deserved to be respected, no matter who he was. Alex also considered that the woman should be respected for her angelic nature, one built from harmony and beauty. The women were for Alex those pure creatures that should always stay by the men¡¯s side¡­ By the side of the man who would have loved her unconditionally and would have given the whole world just to make sure he¡¯d be with her one day: holding her hand, whispering into her ear that he missed her and that he loved her, that she had to be only his¡­ forever.


    ?Yet¡­ the women are often of other men, especially of those that don¡¯t deserve them. Even so, we can¡¯t do anything to change this cruel reality. We can only run away from that painful truth and hide from the world, somewhere among bullets and pain, just as Lucas had done eventually when he lost his muse in the arms of another man.¡±


    ***


    ?Pride and Prejudice,¡± has always been for Kate a book about stupid ego and pain. A book in which she still often found herself because she was the opposite of Beth, the one who¡¯d been ready to give up on love and feelings just to make sure that the one she loved wouldn¡¯t consider her less than him, a love that still hurt her because she hoped to experience an equal and unconditional love. It¡¯d been instead a love about hurt egos, longing for being someone who couldn¡¯t be found in other people, a story about inner betrayal - of their own person. At the same time, it¡¯s the story about those who couldn¡¯t do violence to their conscience and stay by the side of the one they loved, even if this meant being less than the other one.


    ?Still, she¡¯s like me in many cases, this Elisabeth,¡± thought Kate, staring at the flames that were madly dancing around the logs in the fireplace. ?I also dream of that love that doesn¡¯t hurt egos, of that love that accepts you as you are. Even so, I¡¯ve always experienced the contrary, although it hasn¡¯t been what I¡¯ve wanted or looked for.¡±


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    Eventually, remembering that she wasn¡¯t alone in the coffee shop but with Alex, Kate closed the book and looked to her right, at the man who had stood there and silently listened to her reading. Looking at him, Kate saw Alex sleeping and not listening to her anymore. At least, he had his eyes closed at that moment, ?So handsome and radiant,¡± Kate thought after this. Then¡­ she saw herself smiling, although she didn¡¯t know why she was doing this. Yet, her heart knew why her lips sketched that smile - it had undoubtedly been because of her melodious voice that calmed the man¡¯s soul and made him feel so good around her. ?And he¡¯s really fine,¡± whispered Kate eventually. ?It¡¯s definitely okay now that his soul is calm and not agitated as it has been lately, although I haven¡¯t ever understood the real reason for him having such feelings.¡±


    Actually, Kate was lying to herself. She was lying to herself when she said that she didn¡¯t know the reason for Alex¡¯s sadness, and she did that because she didn¡¯t want to accept the truth - that the man suffered because of love and for love. Alex suffered for Beauty at the same time and because he didn¡¯t feel fulfilled. ?Like that man about whom he had talked to me that evening,¡± Kate whispered again, making herself comfortable in her armchair and looking at the man¡¯s sleeping face. ?That man about whom you said that you hadn¡¯t ever understood him. Still, he reminded you always about yourself,¡± she added, in her mind. Then, Kate sadly sighed¡­ a sadness she wasn¡¯t aware of, but which still existed in her heart.


    There was the sadness to be blamed for everything that had happened lately: because Alex had lived in his own world and hadn¡¯t been at all calm, for the cold weather, for those snowflakes that got to fall from the sky more often lately, and, undoubtedly, for those romantic nights they got to spend together. Evenings when the wildfire from the fireplace was dancing with the wind that got to their nostrils through the chimney. This often happened when they were alone in the coffee shop after Alex was closing it, with a glass of red wine in front and listening to the pleasant piano music.


    Such nights made Kate dream so much. She was dreaming of happiness and about a heart that was all the time beating in the rhythm of piano music. She was always dreaming about that pleasant smell of fresh coffee that had a name already - the same name as the one whose eyes watched her at that moment - somehow with love, in admiration, and, undoubtedly, with his heart. Yes, with that heart that suddenly started to beat hard in her chest, making her feel again the unexpected longing.


    ?Still, it¡¯s strange,¡± Kate thought eventually. ?That I feel all this for you, Alex. That¡­ I feel the longing in my soul and that I feel as though you are so far away from me, though I have you at the distance of a hand stretched in front. Or maybe¡­ at the distance of a kiss?¡±


    This thought made Kate wince. ?At the distance of a kiss, Kate?¡± She suddenly scolded herself. ?What the hell are you thinking about when you aren¡¯t a free woman? Yes, you are still someone else¡¯s woman, Kate. You are still His woman, even if He hurt you so much lately. That¡¯s why, you don¡¯t have the right to hurt another heart, not as long as you feel so hurt. If you do that, you¡¯ll curse yourself forever for his unhappiness that will be only because of you.¡±


    Yes, Kate scolded herself for such longing and dreams. She scolded herself for getting to think about a kiss with a stranger and not with Ward. Kate was doing this because she was a coward, who couldn¡¯t leave the past behind her and that love for which she had fought for years, love that still made her so unhappy¡­ at least it hadn¡¯t ever made her as happy as she wanted to be.


    Yet, she was happy at that moment. Kate was happy with only staying on that big armchair in front of the fireplace, where it was pleasantly smelling as burnt wood and dreams, as longing and ideal things hidden in the flames and ashes, in the eyes of a man that didn¡¯t look at her at that moment, but where she had seen so many times before shining so vividly the love¡­ the love of a sincere man for her. A longing of which she had been dreaming since she was little, but still a longing she started to fear so suddenly.


    What exactly was Kate afraid of? Of happiness! Yes, she was afraid that she¡¯d taste that happiness as if tasting a glass of red wine and that she¡¯d like it so much. She¡¯ll undoubtedly like that and she won¡¯t be able anymore to give up on that glass of happiness, that glass that was so pleasantly smelling as fresh grapes and mint, a glass that could so suddenly spill on the floor, sentencing her to waiting again and loneliness. Not that Kate would have been so afraid of that loneliness, with whom she had been friends since long ago, but because she would have been alone after being with him, with Alex, the one she had seen as a good friend, lover, and, why not, as a good man to make her happy.


    Shaking her head, Kate finally managed to chase such thoughts away because ?It¡¯s not fair,¡± she whispered eventually. ?It¡¯s not fair to think about him as being my savior, not as long as I¡¯m not alone and I can¡¯t save myself.¡±


    Nevertheless, she¡¯d been able to save him in the last two weeks. She saved him from sadness and loneliness because she¡¯d seen so suddenly pain in his eyes after he¡¯d read Lucas¡¯s letter. Kate felt the pain in his chest - like a scared bird, that bird that was also a human¡¯s heart, which had been dancing in the man¡¯s chest for so long. It was something that Kate felt so well when she embraced him that evening in the street, allowing the naughty snowflakes to be the witnesses of that secret attachment between them and to that playful wind that was barely felt around to embrace them. Yes, they allowed the wind to listen to the secret of two hearts that started to beat rhythmically, even if they beat somehow on the sly.


    ?Something that shouldn¡¯t have happened though,¡± Kate¡¯s heart whispered eventually. ?Nobody in this world should suffer because of love, not because of one that¡¯s not mutual. Even so, we suffer because of it, clinging to the longing that has no future, to relationships that haven¡¯t ever had a chance of success, at least not while being together. Why? Because we are cowards and can¡¯t give up in front of our ego, the one that always tells us that if we accept defeat, we are losers, unhappy creatures on the path of longing, those creatures that always run away from love and truth.¡±


    Eventually, Kate sighed again. Then, she stood up, carefully taking the warm blanket off the sofa, which was not that far from the fireplace. A blanket that she used to cover Alex to make sure he wouldn¡¯t suffer because of the cold when the mad dance of the flames in the fireplace would be over and he wouldn¡¯t be awakened yet.


    Thus, staying so close to him, Kate could carefully watch him. She saw his long black eyelashes, despite the fact he had blond hair; she saw the smoothness of his skin, something that made Kate wish to kiss; just as she felt the aroma that came from him - that pure smell of fresh coffee and cinnamon, an aroma of wine and longing. At the same time, she felt that he was so pleasantly smelling like jasmine, a scent that wasn¡¯t specific to the winter or those places. Yet, Kate felt all this, just as she heard his heartbeats. She clearly heard them in her ears. ?Tuc-tuc, tuc-tuc¡± was secretly beating his heart, just as the Clock of Time was ticking in her chest.


    Listening to this pleasant melody, Kate smiled. ?So secret it is,¡± the voice of her mind whispered eventually. ?As secret as the love is, Kate. A love that you can¡¯t accept. Yet, you have to decide eventually if you embrace it or not and you¡¯ll do that if you really want to be happy.¡±


    With such thoughts that pleasantly rang in her ears and head, Kate moved away from the fireplace and approached the hanger. She took her coat and put it on her shoulders. Then, she left the coffee shop, making the minimum noise because she was afraid that she could awaken Alex and make him unhappy, as he had always been in the last few weeks.


    ?Just as I¡¯ve been unhappy,¡± she said, once she was on the street already and felt the secret embracement of the weak wind and the cold. ?I¡¯ve really been. I¡¯ve been sad, I must accept that. I have to, just as I have to do something to chase the sadness out of my heart and be me again and happy.¡±


    Then¡­ her footsteps confidently stepped on the white coat of winter. A soft coat that pleasantly caressed the material of her black boots, those high-heeled boots because Kate had always loved to wear high-heeled shoes. Especially, she loved the thin heels, something that gave her a certain safety and elegance. Heels that she loved so much because she had been in love with them since she was a little child, a love she borrowed from her mother, who also loved to wear high-heeled shoes. And, once Kate tried, at least involuntarily, to copy her mother, she also got to wear similar shoes and high-heels.


    Kate hadn¡¯t ever regretted having such a habit. She madly loved it instead. Why? Because it made her feel like a strong woman, one that was confident at the same time. Still, she¡¯d been that woman who had hidden in the shadows after she met Ward and tried to make him happy, even if his words and actions had always hurt and demeaned her.


    Nevertheless, Kate hadn¡¯t ever complained about this. She also accepted that truth. She had to accept it, once she understood that, before moving on, she had to leave her past behind. How to do that, Kate didn¡¯t know. Yet, she had to do that because she wanted so much to be happy. At the same time, she wanted those who surrounded her to be happy. In particular, Kate wanted Him to be happy, the one who took her out of her shell eventually and made her understand that love hurts only when you allow that.


    With such thoughts in her head, thoughts that seemed to follow her slowly everywhere, Kate walked for a long time on those white streets. She wasn¡¯t alone on the streets that night but with a lot of people. Yes, there were a lot of people who decided, as she did, to have a long walk at that late hour at night. Yet, Kate didn¡¯t care about people, the wind, or longing. She only allowed the moment to take her into its arms, to listen to the pleasant melody of the snow that creaked under her soles. A melody with which she fell in love forever that night and which made her smile all the time even if a single name was touching her lips that night too¡­ Alex.

 CHAPTER 21: BETRAYALS AND LONGING

    Ego had always been Kate¡¯s worst enemy. An ego that she had always compared to cowardice, even if she didn¡¯t understand why she did that. No, she knew that big truth that her heart kept inside, but which her mind mentally tried not to accept - that she was always choosing cowardice instead of happiness, and she did that because she was afraid of love.


    Yes, Kate was undoubtedly afraid of love. She was afraid that she would fall in love again, give herself totally to the other person, involve herself body and soul in a new relationship, and she¡¯d be hurt unto blood again. That is why she chose to leave that evening when she understood that she felt more than admiration and friendship for Alexander Doyle.


    ?What I feel is undoubtedly longing,¡± she suddenly told herself. She was staying in front of the big window in her hotel room, which she hadn¡¯t left at all in the last few days, with a cup of hot coffee in her hand and looking into the distance. ?Just as this is betrayal,¡± she added, sadly looking at the coffee¡¯s steam, which was so playfully dancing above the cup that was half emptied. ?It¡¯s betrayal both for me and him. Yet, I couldn¡¯t act differently. I can¡¯t hurt him, knowing that I¡¯m not ready to be involved completely in a relationship with him. At the same time, I can¡¯t tell him that I can¡¯t give up on this relationship that hurts me so much, and this is so because of a stupid ego and longing.¡±


    Why exactly longing? Kate wasn¡¯t that sure. All she knew was that, for an unknown reason, she couldn¡¯t abandon Ward. ?Not yet. Not now. Not until I haven¡¯t tried everything for this relationship to work,¡± she kept repeating in her head, although she always heard a secret whisper in her soul that told her, ?Still, Kate, don¡¯t do that! Move on because you¡¯ve suffered enough! You shed too many tears because of him and your injured heart, which was continuously stabbed by his words, which he used to hurt you, spilled too much blood. He didn¡¯t hurt you only through words, but also through his reckless or maybe planned actions. He also hurt you when he had often forgotten you, just as you had been injured by his abandon, and, undoubtedly, by his betrayal. A betrayal in front of you because, despite all you endured because of him, you¡¯d been only his, and you did everything for your relationship with Jonathan to work.¡±


    Yet, their relationship didn¡¯t work. It hadn¡¯t worked right from the beginning, although Kate lied to herself that it was perfect. Actually, their relationship wasn¡¯t meant to work, not while one of them was body and soul involved in it while the other one was sowing thorns on their way. Yes, it was impossible for that relationship to work while one of them saw only love in the eyes of the other one while the second partner wasn¡¯t ever seeing the other one¡¯s eyes. All that Jonathan had seen in her was her body, a perfectly curved one, that body that was adored by many people because almost all the men that had ever known Kate knew that she looked damn good, and that¡¯s why they would have liked to have her.


    Kate really looked good. She heard this so many times before that she didn¡¯t remember how many times she heard that ?She¡¯s so beautiful. She¡¯s undoubtedly a goddess because only a goddess can look like her¡­ A goddess with a woman¡¯s body.¡±


    Such a thought made Kate bitterly smile eventually. ?A goddess that has experienced pain and longing only. A goddess sunken into loneliness only to avoid the pain. A Beautiful Helen who has forgotten about herself just to make sure she won¡¯t ever be ignored, hurt, and abandoned. Still, I¡¯m that Helen of Troy who won¡¯t ever find her Paris.¡±


    No, she was lying to herself again! Kate was shamelessly lying to herself at that moment, and she did that because she couldn¡¯t accept that she¡¯d been a coward when she moved away from Alex, avoiding answering his phone calls. She¡¯d been a coward because she was afraid that she¡¯d give up like the real Helen of Troy did, cheating on Ward in Doyle¡¯s arms. Yes, Kate was really afraid of betrayal. She was especially afraid to betray herself because she had always been faithful, the woman of a man only. At that moment though, so unexpectedly that she was often shuddering, she felt the need to feel the love in another man¡¯s arms. Kate desperately wanted to feel all this, and she wanted that because she was hungry for such feelings, ones she¡¯d been deprived of for so long that she had practically forgotten its smell and what it felt. That¡¯s why, the moment she started to remember that she was also a woman, the moment she wanted more from life than to wait for someone, the moment she wanted to be a goddess in a god¡¯s arms, she chose to run away and she did that because she understood that all this was too much for her.


    Why exactly was all this too much for her? Because happiness has always been something abstract for Kate. It was something she had found only in books and among their pages. Something she found only in dreams when she saw herself in her mother¡¯s arms or walking on the streets. There were dreams about herself when she was still a child and, holding her parents¡¯hands, she was walking in the park or running through the fresh grass, barefoot, while her parents watched her play. Dreams that had been only dreams eventually and nothing more.


    Because of all this, Kate couldn¡¯t betray herself. She couldn¡¯t embrace real happiness, not as long as she couldn¡¯t make peace with herself. That¡¯s why she knew that she didn¡¯t have the right to be happy and make such simple dreams real. Yet, she knew she had the right to be happy, even if this had been in another man¡¯s arms and not with Jonathan, whom she had always considered hers, but who became, so suddenly, the stranger that was of another woman.


    ?He had actually been a stranger to me. All this time, he¡¯d been the man of another woman and not mine. He¡¯d been the man of all those women that accepted him, without asking for more from him. Instead, I wanted more, and that¡¯s why all I had had in the end was loneliness, waiting, and the hope that maybe tomorrow would be different. Yet, it wasn¡¯t. It wasn¡¯t to be and maybe it¡¯s time to face reality and move on because¡­ Kate, as long as you don¡¯t see the longing in front of you and don¡¯t accept that you¡¯ve lost, you don¡¯t have the right to be happy.¡±


    Tears bathed her eyes at that moment. At the same time, her eyes were bathed by memories, by a warm light born because of the thought that maybe tomorrow would be really better than today, a warm light that Kate was running away from, afraid not to be hurt again. She was running away from herself too, just as she was running away from Alex, whom she wanted to be with at least as her friend, but whose happiness Kate couldn¡¯t accept, at least not that easily.


    Kate couldn¡¯t accept his friendship because she wanted more than this. She started to want more from that night when she held him to her chest, and he, like a child, deeply breathed in her warmth, suffering for a friend. It¡¯s when Kate understood that Alex was more than a simple passer-by, someone whom she had always missed. Just¡­


    ?¡­I can¡¯t be with him eventually. Not without hurting him and not while I still don¡¯t know what I want from this life or with whom I want to be. If I don¡¯t do that and if I venture into a new universe without being sure that I¡¯ve left my past behind, all I¡¯ll do is hurt both of us, and this will hurt like hell¡­¡±


    ***


    Those few days without Kate passed damn hard. Yes, the days passed away at a snail¡¯s pace, and this happened because he couldn¡¯t understand why she ignored him and didn¡¯t answer any of his text messages. And yes, Alex had texted her a lot. He even stopped by the hotel, asking for her. He¡¯s been told instead that ?Ms. O¡¯Connell doesn¡¯t accept visits and if someone asks to see her, to leave her a message and she¡¯ll contact him after that when she¡¯d be available.¡±


    ?As though we are strangers,¡± Alex whispered, frowning. ?Well, maybe we are strangers. Eventually, we¡¯ve known each other for a few weeks only and know so little about the other one. Yet, I thought there was something more than this between us. I thought we were at least friends if there wasn¡¯t anything else between us. Yet, how wrong I¡¯ve been and¡­ so stupid¡­¡±


    Such thought made Alex suddenly stop the uncontrolled movement of his hands, which had been washing cups since the morning. Then, hands covered by white foam, which were so pleasantly smelling like coffee grounds, he stood for a long time above the sink that was behind the counter, with his eyes closed and his head bowed. He did that, thinking that this would help him to get rid of the storm from his soul. At the same time, Alex tried to get rid of the longing¡­ the longing for her.


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    Yet, Kate was not coming, Alex was sure of that. The reason? It couldn¡¯t be different, not as long as she had left that night without even saying goodbye to him, and not while she wasn¡¯t answering the phone or texting back, ignoring him this way. She was undoubtedly doing this because she had a plan in her head or because she probably decided that he wasn¡¯t what she needed and that¡¯s why she left him, choosing another road for her and another future. ?A future next to that ?Worthy Rival¡± and not with me, a dreamer who only wanted to make her happy.¡±


    ?And, because of this, you¡¯ve lost her,¡± Alex suddenly heard Robert¡¯s voice to his left, whose voice made him wince. Looking at his assistant, Alex saw him focused on the cups, which he was taking from the tray with those cups Alex had washed and cleaning them with a white cloth that they kept there for this. And, while cleaning one cup, Robert seemed absent and at all interested in Alex.


    Robert¡¯s calmness, who seemed so absent and at all interested in what was going on around him, was only an illusion. Alex clearly saw that his assistant did that because he tried to be solidary with him. Yes, there was undoubtedly masculine solidarity in his relationship with Robert, with whom he had been working for so long already and got to know each other. At the same time, Robert got to understand Alex¡¯s weird habits, something he hadn¡¯t ever judged Alex for, even if he had had enough reasons to do that, once Alex hadn¡¯t spent only one day in front of the big window, looking into the distance and not helping him with the clients. What Robert did instead was to be with him, change his cup of coffee with another one, something Alex hadn¡¯t always been aware of. Robert was also taking care of the clients alone, trying not to bother Doyle, understanding very well how much pain could be in a lonely man¡¯s heart.


    ?Or maybe not,¡± Robert suddenly murmured, making Alex wince again.


    ?Or maybe not what?¡± Doyle asked, confused.


    ?Maybe you still didn¡¯t lose her. Not yet, because, as long as she doesn¡¯t refuse you while staying in front of you, you still have a chance to be happy with her.¡±


    Alex smiled. ?Do you think so?¡± He whispered, starting to wash the cups again. ?That I still have a chance to be happy?¡±


    ?That¡¯s already something that cannot be discussed. All of us have the right to be happy, no matter who¡¯s with us eventually.¡±


    ?Maybe you are right. Yet, Robert, let¡¯s not forget one thing - our happiness is tightly related to our heart. Thus, if our heart is stubborn to long for someone, for an entire life, there cannot be happiness in our soul, don¡¯t you think so too?¡± Robert shook his head. ?The reason?¡±


    ?Ourselves, Mister Alex. We are responsible for our happiness and not our heart because, besides soul and heart, we also have a brain. Thus, if our brain gives the command that¡¯s the time to live other times than shaking because of longing, someone¡¯s abandon, or ignore, we can undoubtedly be happy then.¡±


    ?Still, I have another opinion, Robert. I think that not everybody can ignore his soul and live as his brain orders him to live. I, for example, can¡¯t live without it. Without my soul, I mean. I live with the heart, honestly.¡±


    ?You know, I have understood that since long ago.¡±


    Alex smiled again. ?Still, you didn¡¯t say anything about this. Why?¡±


    ?Because this is none of my business. At the same time, it¡¯s not my duty to make you understand that suffering doesn¡¯t make you any good. Not until long ago, when I have understood that suffering destroys you. Don¡¯t you think so too?¡±


    ?What exactly?¡±


    ?That you aren¡¯t the master of your own life anymore and that you are afraid of living alone again?¡±


    ?Alone? I? I haven¡¯t ever been alone. I have you, Erin, Mark, and many others. I have this place, my clients, the books¡­¡±


    ?¡­but you don¡¯t have your happiness with you, Mister Doyle. You don¡¯t have her.¡±


    Alex winced. ?I don¡¯t have her? Do you mean¡­ the stranger?¡±


    ?Who else?! I¡¯m talking about her in particular because she¡¯s the one who made you so happy in the last few weeks since you have known each other. She¡¯s the one who made you leave loneliness behind and brought a smile to your lips again. That¡¯s why, Mister Alex: since you met Ms. Kate, you cannot ever say that you are lonely.¡±


    ?Still, I am. Okay, I said before that I wasn¡¯t lonely. Yet, I have to accept that I¡¯ve been lonely. I was fine like that, you know: being alone because I could do a lot of things like¡­ being myself, admiring the creation and the beauty of the world.¡±


    ?Even so, I think that you haven¡¯t gotten to know yourself 100%. Why? Because you can¡¯t see now that you are a different Alexander Doyle and not the one you¡¯ve been before knowing her. Why? You understood that, without love, someone cannot live.¡±


    ?Of course, one can live without love, Robert. I think that¡¯s possible. I mean¡­ one can live without physical love. But, you can live with the one from your heart, even if it¡¯s platonic only. At the same time, we can always keep such love in our hearts and wish the best for the one we love.¡±


    Robert suddenly burst into laughter, making Alex stare at him. Doyle was damn amazed at that moment because he hadn¡¯t ever seen his assistant acting like that: confident and giving him advice because it was clear that what Robert said wasn¡¯t because they were simply having a conversation. ?You are actually right,¡± Robert said eventually, making Doyle frown again and wonder if that one was reading his thoughts. Then, Alex asked:


    ?I¡¯m right about what?¡±


    ?That I give you advice. I could afford to do this today because¡­ I have the feeling that you need a friend, even if we haven¡¯t ever been such close friends. Still, I¡¯m a friend that doesn¡¯t want to harm you or judge you, but who wants to see you happy. So, Mister Alex, if you want to be happy, do one of these two things: let her go and be happy with another man, or do everything to bring her back!¡±


    ?What about the freedom of choosing, Robert? What about what she wants? Doesn¡¯t this matter too?¡±


    ?Of course, this matters too. Yet, sometimes, people aren¡¯t sure of what they want. That¡¯s why they need a small impulse to make certain choices.¡±


    ?Something that I feel you¡¯ve done before. With another woman?¡±


    Robert suddenly turned sad. ?Yes,¡± he said after a few moments of silence. ?I¡¯ve done that and I¡¯ve won, even if it has only been for a short time.¡±


    ?Why?¡±


    ?Because certain love stories don¡¯t have a happy ending. Some people even have the love forbidden for them because¡­ you can fight against people and take love from them, but you can¡¯t ever fight against fate to steal a kiss from it.¡±


    Alex suddenly frowned. ?You see?¡± He said. ?I¡¯ve been eventually right: they also have the right to choose. Women, I mean. That¡¯s why I want to give Kate the chance to make her own choice because¡­ it¡¯s the only way we¡¯ll be both sure of our relationship and have no regrets about this.¡±


    ?Even if her choice is wrong?¡± Alex looked at Robert, confused. ?I mean the other one.¡±


    ?What do you know about the other one?¡± Doyle asked, smiling. ?As far as I know, Kate hasn¡¯t ever mentioned him here or while you¡¯ve been around.¡±


    ?Still, I know things about him, Mister Doyle. I know enough because even if this town seems big, it¡¯s still small. Everybody knows each other here. Thus, I found out things about them. I found out that she¡¯s not happy and that¡¯s why she¡¯s been with you all this time. She looked for happiness while she¡¯s been with you, Mister Doyle. I think she¡¯s been happy with you. That¡¯s why, Mister Alex, if you want a love for two, don¡¯t ever let her go. At least, don¡¯t leave her with the other one.¡±


    Saying such words, Robert put the cup down, which he had been cleaning while he talked to Alex, and silently moved away from the counter. After a few meters, Robert stopped and sadly looked at Alex when this one asked him, ?What about your love, Robert? Why didn¡¯t it have a happy end?¡±


    ?Because the fight against Death is useless, Mister Doyle. We can fight against life or people but never against Death. That¡¯s why I told you not to give up, not while she didn¡¯t refuse you or chase you away from her. At least, this is what I¡¯d have done if I were you because she¡¯s a woman who deserves others to fight for her.¡±


    Robert¡¯s words deeply entered Alex¡¯s soul. He even felt strange itches on his skin while looking behind Robert, who was heading toward the back door, which he often used when he needed fresh air. Thus, looking behind the young man about twenty, Alex understood what suffering for love really meant and that Robert was eventually right: one could fight against people and himself, but he never can fight against Death or take back what It took from you.

 CHAPTER 22: THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE

    ?Kate, wait!¡± Alex called her name when he saw her leaving the hotel and heading down the street. Then, when Kate stopped and looked in amazement at him because she hadn¡¯t expected to see him there, Doyle quickened his pace, getting to her running. ?I just wanted to see how you were,¡± he said after that, staring into the woman¡¯s beautiful eyes, who kept looking at him, stunned, because she did everything to avoid seeing him, but he was still there.


    ?I¡¯m fine,¡± she murmured eventually. ?I¡¯ve just¡­ had things to do,¡± she said after that, looking around but not at Alex. ?Why are you here?¡±


    ?Because I wanted to see you,¡± the man replied, shyly. ?I missed you. Yes, I missed my friend.¡±


    Kate smiled. ?Your friend? I thought we didn¡¯t get there. To be friends, I mean. At least I had this feeling all the time we spent together because¡­ a few nights spent together, reading or drinking a glass of wine, doesn¡¯t turn people into friends.¡±


    ?What if all this makes people friends, Kate?¡± The man asked, smiling. ?I mean¡­ there isn¡¯t a clear definition of friendship, as far as I know. That¡¯s why I think that anybody can be friends with everybody as long as they have common hobbies. We have that. The books, for example, and¡­ the smell of coffee.¡±


    ?That it¡¯s still felt coming from you¡­ so pleasant,¡± whispered Kate inside her, staring into the man¡¯s beautiful blue eyes. Even her heart strangely pounced in her chest after such thought, the same heart that was stubborn to push her toward him, although her mind was yelling at her to stay away from him because she could make him suffer and suffer too. ?Even so, it¡¯s so pleasant to have you here, with me, at the distance of a simple glance full of longing,¡± the woman thought after that. ?It¡¯s really pleasant because¡­ Oh, God, these blue eyes are so hard to forget. They are something that deeply entered my soul, making me vibrate so much, even if I still have been banned from feeling their love.¡±


    Why the love for that pair of blue eyes was forbidden for Kate? She also didn¡¯t know that. Kate only felt that she didn¡¯t have the right to love them, not yet, not while she was still caught in the spiderweb of her relationship with Ward. A relationship that Kate couldn¡¯t end or continue, even if Jonathan returned to her three days ago.


    Ward returned to her so suddenly and unexpectedly that Kate found it really difficult to think that it might have been real. She couldn¡¯t understand that because Jonathan returned to her without explaining things, just as he didn¡¯t ask for an explanation from her for that night when she rejected him. She simply refused to have intimacy with him, and that was all for Ward. Actually, this didn¡¯t matter too much for him because he had done this so many times before. Even so, even if he ignored her and rejected her for so long, Ward still wanted her because he couldn¡¯t give up on that perfect woman¡­ a perfect woman in other¡¯s eyes but not in his.


    Nevertheless, Ward hadn¡¯t ever told Kate about this. He didn¡¯t talk to her about this, not because he didn¡¯t want to hurt her, but because he knew he could lose more than he could win if he had done that. Yet, this didn¡¯t ever impede him from hurting her through words, deeds, through all those nights he had spent away from her in another woman¡¯s arms. Just as his ?love¡± didn¡¯t impede him from keeping her close when he understood that maybe Kate didn¡¯t want to be with him anymore, and this that because of selfishness. Yes, Ward was undoubtedly selfish, one that people rarely meet in their lives. Yet, he was a ?Selfish and a jerk with class,¡± as he had heard others talking about him so many times before.


    Probably because of this, because he was unscrupulous and didn¡¯t have a conscience, Jonathan returned to Kate so easily. It happened in the evening, after work when, instead of going with Susan to another hotel, where she asked him to see her after work, he returned to the hotel room where Kate was. When he entered the room, Ward said nothing and Kate the same. He only took the jacket off, put the briefcase on the sofa, and entered the bathroom to take a shower. After that, he lay next to Kate, who was reading at that moment, turning his back to her and whispering a barely heard ?Good Night, Kate!¡± eventually.


    Kate didn¡¯t answer that Good Night.¡± She only looked at him in amazement. Yes, she was really surprised because, as she knew Ward, his return to her life was something unexpected and unpredictable because¡­ ?Did he give up on her so easily?¡± Kate asked after this. ?Or¡­ maybe they argued and he¡¯s back here for a short while only?¡± Questions that remained unanswered that night and the days that came after that, days that he spent at the office and Kate reading in their room. The nights instead were spent together: having dinner and saying no word to each other. After that, each of them did what he wanted to do - Kate reading as usual, and Jonathan checking certain files or watching the TV. For the rest, there weren¡¯t feelings between them, just as there wasn¡¯t respect between them anymore, something that both of them were aware of but none of them dared to talk about that.


    What Jonathan dared to ask her was to wear the engagement ring again. This happened an evening before seeing Alex again. That evening, while having dinner, Jonathan looked at her, and, not seeing the ring on her finger, he told her, ?I¡¯d like you to wear it again, Kate!¡±


    ?What exactly?¡±


    ?The engagement ring! The one I gave you when I asked you to marry me.¡±


    Kate smiled. ?A ring that doesn¡¯t mean anything for any of us, Jonathan. Don¡¯t you also think so?¡±


    ?Maybe! Yet, as long as you are with me, you have to wear it!¡±


    Kate had suddenly felt a bitter taste on the top of her tongue after hearing such words. ?I have to?¡± She said with contempt. ?What about you? Don¡¯t you also have to respect me? Aren¡¯t you forced to be only with me, once we are still dating?¡±


    ?Let¡¯s not fight again, okay?¡± He drily replied. ?I just¡­ try to make things work between us.¡±


    ?After everything that happened? As if nothing happened?¡±


    ?Yes,¡± he confidently replied. ?Even after everything that happened because¡­ all those years we¡¯ve spent together make us responsible for this relationship and force us to respect each other and certain¡­ principles!¡±


    Kate suddenly burst into laughter. ?Jonathan, not even you believe what you say. Why? Because of the same principles, I¡¯ve taken the engagement ring off. Because of your betrayal, something you can¡¯t deny now. Yes, you betrayed me. Not with a stranger, but with the one who¡¯s always with you, in whose eyes I¡¯ve seen the interest¡­ the interest for you, Jonathan, the same woman about whom you¡¯ve always told me that¡¯s ?the secretary only.¡± She¡¯s been more than that. She¡¯s been more than a simple secretary because, besides answering the phone in your place and sending emails for you, she has been sleeping next to you, covering you with the blanket on cold nights while I¡¯ve been forced to face loneliness alone.¡±


    ?Not alone,¡± he sharply replied. ?I know already about your new¡­ friends. Especially, I know about the coffee shop owner,¡± words that he said with contempt and malice.


    Kate frowned. ?Did you ask someone to follow me?¡± She asked him, stupefied.


    ?It wasn¡¯t necessary. Let¡¯s just say that¡­ I have enough friends here.¡±


    ?Bullshit, Jonathan! I don¡¯t believe a word of what you say. Why? Because you aren¡¯t the type of man that has friends. Yes, you can have partners, I won¡¯t deny that. You can have mistresses, but not people about whom you care. That¡¯s why, don¡¯t tell me unbelievable stories because I know you. And¡­ stay away from him!¡±


    ?Why? Are you afraid that I can do something to him?¡±


    ?No, I¡¯m not afraid because I know that he¡¯s capable of protecting himself. If I say that, it¡¯s because it¡¯s not in your interest to have him as your enemy.¡±


    ?Because of his family and the relationships he has?¡±


    ?Not only because of this, but because you don¡¯t deserve to have him as your enemy. So, if you don¡¯t want to have problems with me too, I recommend you to stay away from him. No, Ward, this is an order already!¡±


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    Kate¡¯s courage amazed Ward so much that night. He hadn¡¯t ever expected that Kate would act like that someday because he thought she was a kind of coward. At the same time, he knew that Kate hated to have enemies or bad partnerships. Yet, moving to Westport and meeting the other one, Kate became another person. However, she didn¡¯t become someone Ward liked. On the contrary, he disliked this new Kate for her daring to confront him and even threatening him openly. This meant only one thing - she had feelings: not for him but for another one, and this meant war.


    Nevertheless, even if he disliked being threatened by Kate, Ward gave up on his war with Doyle before starting it. He did that not because he was afraid or because Kate¡¯s words would have meant something to him but because he saw her wearing again the engagement ring the next morning when they had breakfast. Even so, Ward decided to keep an eye on her, knowing very well that a hurt woman could betray her lover one day, and he really didn¡¯t want to experience something like that. At least, Jonathan didn¡¯t want to experience a betrayal at that moment when his business was working well again and his mother, Esther, stopped blowing down his neck, asking him to give up on ?the secretary and make peace with Kate.¡±


    That¡¯s why he returned to Kate so unexpectedly. He did that because he understood that if he hadn¡¯t done this, he would have lost everything because Esther threatened him with withdrawing her investment. Knowing all this, Ward decided to keep Susan away from him too because he was really a selfish man - his secretary wasn¡¯t more than a simple affair for him, just as this had happened with all the women with whom he had an affair in the past. Thus, giving up, even if for a short while only, on those pleasures that made him feel alive, Jonathan wanted to make sure he¡¯d succeed in everything. Then, after the sudden wedding, which he wanted to have with Kate no matter what, he would have been free to live his life at his will again, having time for everything that he would have wished in life.


    What Ward didn¡¯t know was the real reason why Kate started to wear that ring on her finger again. For her, wearing that engagement ring, meant to give to Ward the last chance to make their relationship work, even if she knew he didn¡¯t deserve that. Yes, Jonathan really didn¡¯t deserve her sacrifice. Yet, by doing this, she did a favor to herself. Thus, if their relationship had gotten to an end eventually, she would have been sure she¡¯d done everything for their relationship to work. She really did everything for that relationship to work, even if the final price was to be lonely again. Kate was definitely sure that Alex wouldn¡¯t forgive her for giving up on what they had for a new start with Jonathan.


    ?A fresh start that I still want,¡± she finally told Alex. They were both on the seashore at that moment, at the docks, looking into the distance. ?Even if you think that it¡¯s not fair to do that, I still want to do it.¡±


    ?The reason?¡± Alex asked her in a low voice, suddenly feeling that he lacked air because of the pain in his soul.


    ?Just¡­ an idea I have had since little child. The idea that everything ends only when we want that. And¡­ I don¡¯t want my relationship with Jonathan to end like that. I don¡¯t really want that, Alex. I can¡¯t.¡±


    ?Because of everything that has been between you?¡±


    ?Not only because of this. It¡¯s also because I don¡¯t want to give up on myself or my principles. I fought too much for this relationship to give up now. I can¡¯t. If I do this, it means that I betray myself.¡±


    Alex suddenly burst out. ?Don¡¯t you betray yourself by denying the truth?¡±


    ?The truth?¡± Kate asked, staring at him in amazement. ?What truth are talking about?¡±


    ?About what you feel, Kate. About the fact that you¡¯ve been happy while we¡¯ve been together. That you haven¡¯t been alone, I mean. Something I can¡¯t say about you right now when I look into your eyes. Why? Because¡­ even if you still wear his ring and say that your relationship has a fresh start, I don¡¯t see you happy. At least you aren¡¯t as happy as you¡¯ve been with us. Not as happy as you¡¯ve been that night when you held me to your chest or when you covered me with the blanket and left, thinking that I was asleep.¡±


    ?Did you see everything?¡±


    ?Yes, Kate, I saw everything. I felt everything because it¡¯s obvious that there hadn¡¯t been only friendship between us.¡±


    ?Why didn¡¯t you say anything then, Alex? Why did you leave me to go that night?¡±


    ?Because¡­ you have the right to be happy, Kate. You have the right to choose your own happiness. That¡¯s why I didn¡¯t want to hold you tied by me¡­ not by force and not as long as you don¡¯t want that. At least¡­ I have the feeling that you don¡¯t want that: to be close to me, at least as my friend, because¡­ I¡¯m really capable of accepting at least this.¡±


    ?It won¡¯t be fair. I don¡¯t have the right to keep you close and not give you what you deserve. If I do that, it will mean that I¡¯m selfish.¡±


    ?I¡¯ll be as selfish as you are because¡­ despite of everything I know about you and that you are with him, I still want you close to me, Kate. I really want you close. I want to be able to see you at least for a few moments. I want to be selfish and see you smiling, live with you the happiness we both deserve, to see the shine in your eyes each time you read a book you like.¡±


    Kate looked at him for a while. At that moment, the sea waves, which were hitting the barrier because of the moderate breeze that was felt from the sea, were so agitated, like their souls that seemed to be in flames. The same happened to the seagulls that flew above them. The birds were also agitated, yelling the pain they felt in the hearts of the two in-love people to the whole world, a pain they weren¡¯t able to talk to others or accept all they felt for the one they wanted with them for an entire life. What Kate could do instead was to look into his eyes again, in those eyes in which she saw shining the vivid desire of having her close to him. That¡¯s why she took a step toward him eventually while Alex didn¡¯t move from his place. Then she took another step and one more. When she was only one step from him, she stopped and, standing on her tiptoes, she approached his face, at the distance of a kiss, whispering to him in the end, ?Still, you don¡¯t need that, Alex. You don¡¯t need a woman that cannot be yours completely.¡±


    ?What if what I need is a companion?¡±


    ?This is all you need? A companion who can make you stop feeling lonely?¡±


    The man shook his head. ?I look for a companion for being happy, Kate because happiness doesn¡¯t mean only a beautiful relationship between a man and woman. At least, I¡¯m not talking about a romantic relationship. There is also happiness between two souls that long for each other even from far away, silently, even if they have no right to feel this and even if it¡¯s not fair to have such feelings. Yet, I want this, Kate. I want you with me for my entire life. If this isn¡¯t possible and if your choice is another one, I want you with me at least as my friend because this is better than losing you forever because of the madness of the world and in the arms of loneliness.¡±


    Such words made Kate confused. She was really stunned because she hadn¡¯t ever expected to hear such a confession from the man. At least she didn¡¯t expect to hear that after she clearly told him that she chose Jonathan to be with her for her entire life. Not after she clearly told him that he hadn¡¯t been her choice. Even so, Alex asked her to be close to him and not hide from the world. He asked her to choose happiness instead of love. Alex asked her to be herself, even if this meant giving up completely on everything that a relationship with her could have given him.


    Yet, friendship wasn¡¯t an option for Kate. It definitely wasn¡¯t an option because this would have made her suffer more. Kate was pretty sure of that. She was sure that staying with him, after she understood her feelings for him, would have meant betraying him too and making him suffer. Why? Because, having her so close but not being able to have her like his woman but as a simple friend, would have killed him slowly and maybe it would have also sent him to Syria eventually.


    That¡¯s why Kate decided that it was time to go. It was time to move and for each of them to continue his life at his will. It was time for each of them to find their peace somewhere else, once she couldn¡¯t give up on what she had and choose him instead of Jonathan. Yes, Kate couldn¡¯t do that because of a simple caprice.


    What Kate could do instead was to steal a kiss from him. She did that so unexpectedly that she made Alex freeze eventually. It¡¯s been a short kiss when she raised on her tiptoes again. And, with her eyes wide open and staring into his eyes that reminded her of the sea, she stuck her lips to his. Kate kissed him only for a few moments, but it was enough because she finally understood that she wouldn¡¯t regret after that she didn¡¯t at least kiss him but only dreamt of something more between them. After that, she tried to pass by him, whispering a barely heard but from her soul ?Goodbye, Alex! Be happy!¡±


    She stopped to his right eventually when Alex grabbed her arm. Then, without looking at her but somewhere in front, eyes bathed by tears as her eyes also seemed to be at that moment, the man confidently told her, ?If you ever regret the made choice and if you ever feel that you need more than your loneliness, you know where to find me, Kate. I¡¯ll be always there, for you, no matter how long time wouldn¡¯t have already passed. I¡¯ll be there for you because I can¡¯t so easily give up on my happiness as you seem to have done.¡±


    Kate looked at him after such words. Alex instead didn¡¯t do the same. He only released her hand and moved away from her¡­ further and further from his happiness that got to have a woman¡¯s face. A happiness he didn¡¯t fight for though because he was as cowardly as Kate was because while she was clinging to a past that hadn¡¯t ever fulfilled her, he was clinging to foolish principles, like the one that a real man couldn¡¯t take a woman from another man.


    ?Something I would have liked to have done,¡± Kate sadly murmured while looking behind him. ?I would have liked that at least one of us to have dared to take us out of the mad sea called world where we threw ourselves without a life preserver. I would have liked us to have had the courage of the seagulls that always fly in the distance, above the sea and its tormented waves. Thus, we would have had for sure a chance to be happy and for two hearts to sing the same melody and beat at the same time.¡±


    Who sing in their place have been the seagulls above the sea. They sang above the tormented waves and in the arms of the playful wind. At the same time, their footsteps sang, those that were heard while Alex and Kate moved away from each other because of a stupid caprice and ego.

 CHAPTER 23: EGO

    That kiss, which she had stolen from Alex that day at the docks, followed Kate in the last few weeks after their break up. It had also followed her the scent of the tormented sea and the song of the seagulls from above. A melody that she went to listen to every single day after their break up, thinking that this way, seeing that place daily and feeling all she had felt that day, she would get bored and move on eventually.


    Nevertheless, Kate was lying to herself thinking about all this. Why exactly? Because there was one more reason why she went to the docks every day - she wanted to see Him. Yet, Alex was late to come. Actually, he didn¡¯t pass by that place after this or look for her after that day. He just¡­ vanished somewhere and that¡¯s all, as though he wanted to make Kate suffer with his absence, punish her maybe, or just make her understand that she had been wrong that day when she chose the comfort and the habit of many days of waiting instead of the unknown and happiness.


    Maybe Alex was right in thinking this. Maybe he was doing the right thing because, by moving away from her, he allowed Kate to feel his absence so much. At the same time, she missed so much those evenings when they read and listened to the piano music and when they felt the scent of the fresh scentful coffee that was surrounding them from everywhere. There wasn¡¯t only the smell of coffee that charmed them in that coffee shop. There was also the scent of the beech logs that was felt coming from the fireplace in front of which they had spent enough days, talking about a book, sipping from the glass of wine, and falling for each other because Kate was sure that what they felt weren¡¯t simple transient feelings.


    Yet, besides their beautiful feelings for each other, there was also their ego. Kate was pretty sure of this - that the ego impeded them from seeing each other after that kiss. She also knew that she needed so little to be happy and smile again. Yet, she couldn¡¯t do violence to her conscience. She really couldn¡¯t do that because, despite her choice, about which she understood that it maybe wasn¡¯t the right thing, she couldn¡¯t break her word and end her relationship with Jonathan. Kate couldn¡¯t do that, even if she understood that their relationship ended years ago and that they were only hurting each other by staying together for an entire life. Why exactly? Because of Ward¡¯s sudden madness of having that wedding and a kid.


    ?As though he¡¯s doing everything to keep me with him.¡±


    Yes. Kate started to hate this truth - the one of living the loneliness together with Ward. She also felt more and more irritated next to him because, even if he returned to her and swore that she was the only woman in his life, Kate didn¡¯t trust him or what he said. At the same time, she didn¡¯t trust herself, the one who got to taste, even if for a short time only, that glass of happiness while being with someone else. ?With a man that I hurt eventually when I made that choice with my brain and not with my soul.¡±


    At that moment, her whisper had perfectly woven with the whisper of the wind that was felt at the docks. A whisper that returned to her in the form of a kiss - of that kiss that had the taste of two soft lips as she had felt that day at Alex when they¡¯d seen each other for the last time. It¡¯s when she felt their pleasant aroma. She felt it so intense and so alive that she couldn¡¯t replace it with anything else. And, because of the same kiss, she started to avoid Ward, who didn¡¯t lose any chance to kiss her lips and look for more.


    Nevertheless, Kate couldn¡¯t give him all this, not anymore. Not after she had kissed another man. She really couldn¡¯t do that because all that time, which they¡¯d spent far away from each other, that time when she had the chance to meet another man and she could feel like a real woman in his arms, made Kate understand that happiness was like Doyle told her - the result of a single person and not looking for it in other people. ?At the same time, we wore this happiness in our hearts. We wore it tattooed on our skin and in the form of a short kiss - the one I gave you that day. Even so, I can¡¯t give up on reality and on everything I¡¯ve been building all these years.¡±


    This truth hurt her so much. It tore her apart inside and made her hate herself. Yes, she really hated herself. Kate hated the fact that she was stubbornly clinging to pain and loneliness, and not choosing happiness. However, she couldn¡¯t do something else. She was grown up like that, she¡¯d been educated this way by her parents, and she educated herself, and fought for this for her entire life. ?Even if it wasn¡¯t maybe fair,¡± just as Alex told her and as she had told herself so many times before. Yet¡­ ?Against a hurt ego, nobody could ever fight. Just as nobody won a battle with that ego. What we can do instead is accept our defeat and, living with all this in our hearts, simply move on.¡±


    Kate hoped to be able to do that one day. She hoped to be the previous Kate and move on - alone, as she had always been. She was sure that she¡¯d live her life like this because, despite Ward¡¯s promises of being with her forever, Kate felt the betrayal so close to them. She started to feel it from far away, just as she knew that, sooner or later, he¡¯d betray her again or would give her another unpleasant surprise. It was only a matter of time until he¡¯d trample her heart again and would show her that she¡¯d been wrong when she chose something that seemed steady and something that she thought she had been building for years instead of the unknown future by another man¡¯s side, the one she¡¯d met about two months ago.


    ?Two months when I felt so alive though,¡± Kate whispered to the sea. She was still at the docks, with her hands in the pockets of the white coat she wore on her shoulders, with her eyes closed, and deeply feeling the scent of the sea. She also felt the smell of coffee, the one she fell in love with eventually, and which she had given a single name in her head. A scent that was woven with the jasmine scent, one she started to adore eventually, wearing it hidden among the woven lines of the white scarf that was wrapped around her neck. A scarf that made her feel like she¡¯d have been hugged by happiness and not by loneliness, something that was stubbornly clinging to Kate eventually.


    Or maybe it wasn¡¯t loneliness that clung to Kate but she did it? This wasn¡¯t something she was sure of. Kate also didn¡¯t know this truth, just as loneliness seemed not to know it. The sea also didn¡¯t know that truth. What the sea knew was the truth hidden in the woman¡¯s soul - that in-love soul that longed for happiness, that soul that was in a continuous war with the ego, a strong ego that impeded her from continuing her life in a very different direction.


    ?If it hadn¡¯t been for it¡­ if it hadn¡¯t been for this ego, would I have been happy now?¡± Kate caught herself whispering to the sea again. ?Would I have been another Kate? That Kate that loves to live next to love, the one that has the smell of coffee, the jasmine scent, and the one of beech that is felt from the fireplace? A Kate that lives in harmony with herself and with the world? Who knows?! If I don¡¯t know this, who might know? Maybe the sea? Maybe this stubborn ego knows something? I¡¯m not sure. I¡¯m not sure of anything, honestly. All I know is that I¡¯ve chosen betrayal and ego instead of myself and my own happiness.¡±


    Such thoughts, confusing and twisted at the same time, finally gave Kate the courage to move on. She turned her back to the sea, to the seagulls, and the scent of loneliness and went downtown to be closer to people. Why? To look for happiness somewhere else, once she couldn¡¯t win the war against her ego. Happiness that Kate wasn¡¯t that sure she¡¯d find someday because she knew that it was in another place - where she wasn¡¯t capable of leading her steps anymore, at least not at that moment.


    ***


    ?Do you think that¡¯s really over?¡± Mark asked Erin after minutes in a row of silence. All the time they kept silent, both of them looked at the white horizon because of the snow, which was painted black here and there because of the trunks of the trees that surrounded the cottage of the Doyle family.


    They had been in that place for days already, accompanying Alex, who decided to let the coffee shop in the care of Robert and hide from the world in the arms of loneliness. The best hiding place had been the cottage of the family, which was in the heart of the forest, somewhere near the mountain and that mountain lake that was frozen at that moment. Yet, he didn¡¯t leave alone. Mark and Erin, who motivated their presence in the cottage as a short vacation or a trip where they had had the chance to be together because they told Alex already about their decision to be together, had followed him. A choice that had been accepted with no protest, although both of them thought that Alex would be against their relationship, once both of them knew that Alex thought that nobody was a good man for Erin, especially Flynn.


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    Instead of making a fuss, Alex just carelessly nodded, mumbling a barely heard and lacking enthusiasm ?If you decided so.¡± Then, after finishing loading his few things in his Jeep, he climbed behind the wheel. Yet, before closing the door behind him, Alex told them, ?I need to be alone. At least for a while. I¡¯ll be just fine, don¡¯t worry.¡± After that, he simply went away.


    His words didn¡¯t calm Erin and Mark. On the contrary, they felt more worried than before. Especially, they became concerned after they found out from Robert that Kate hadn¡¯t stopped by the coffee shop for days if not weeks, and that all that time Alex had been thoughtful and absent. Robert also told them that Alex seemed to lack life and suffered a lot because of love, and this was so because Kate had chosen Ward and not him.


    ?As we¡¯ve suspected actually,¡± Mark murmured eventually while sitting on a wooden armchair on the porch of the cottage. In his hands, he held a cup of hot tea while a thick blanket was covering his legs. After that, he looked at Erin, who seemed thoughtful, asking her, ?Do you think you¡¯ve been wrong that evening in asking Kate to stay with us for dinner?¡±


    Erin shook her head. ?No, I don¡¯t regret this. What I regret is that she hasn¡¯t been determined to try something new. If she had done that, they would have undoubtedly been the perfect team.¡±


    ?I agree with that - they would have been the perfect team. Yet, Erin, we can¡¯t command our hearts. We can¡¯t tell it what it should feel or not, just as Kate seemed determined to love Ward forever.¡±


    ?I wouldn¡¯t be that sure. No. I felt that at her - that she wasn¡¯t in love with the other one anymore.¡±


    ?Then? Why do you think she rejected Alex? For the habit of being with the other one?¡±


    ?This is also a probability. Yet, I¡¯m more tempted to think that¡¯s been because of the ego.¡±


    ?Ego?¡± Mark asked, stunned. ?She didn¡¯t seem to be a proud woman. On the contrary, she seemed to me a courageous woman, who knew what to expect from life, even if her romantic life was a mess. She¡¯s a woman that has principles, it¡¯s better to say.¡±


    ?This is what makes me think she¡¯s made that choice listening to her ego and not to her heart. Yes, she undoubtedly listened to her pride only, the one that told her that she couldn¡¯t give up on what she¡¯d been building for years for something unknown because we can¡¯t deny the fact that she¡¯d been so involved in that relationship. She hoped that her relationship with Ward would work eventually. She fought so hard for this to happen. That¡¯s why I can understand her eventually because I¡¯d have done the same if I were her.¡±


    ?What about her feelings, Erin? What about what Alex feels? It¡¯s obvious that he loves her and wants her to be happy. I¡¯m also sure that she also has feelings for him. Yet, something keeps them far away from each other, even if both of them had been the other one¡¯s happiness.¡±


    ?Maybe you¡¯re right, Mark. Yet, we don¡¯t have the right to judge them. Just¡­ to talk about this and be with Alex because¡­ I¡¯m afraid that he won¡¯t be able to leave all this behind. Not after Lucas¡¯s departure.¡±


    ?The poet?¡± Mark inquired, frowning. ?I don¡¯t think so. They weren¡¯t close enough, as far as I know. Just¡­ people that knew each other.¡±


    Erin smiled. ?You know, Alex is right in saying that you are so naive sometimes.¡±


    ?Naive, I? What makes you think this?¡±


    ?What you said? Your eyes? Those eyes that see only me but not others¡¯feelings?¡±


    ?This sounded weird already,¡± whispered Mark, smiling, after he stole a kiss from her. ?And, honestly, I don¡¯t think that it¡¯s as you say. Eventually, I¡¯ve been friends with them for so long and I know that even if they have common features, Alex and Lucas haven¡¯t ever been that close. At least, they haven¡¯t been intimate friends to suffer so much after the departure of one of them.¡±


    ?You forget about common interests, Mark. You forget that both of them suffer for love and for being rejected, as has happened recently to my brother. That¡¯s why I say that I¡¯m afraid that Alex will do eventually what Murphy did.¡±


    ?To leave to Syria as a war correspondent? No chance! Doyle loves loneliness too much to venture himself among bullets. Yet, I must also accept that maybe he won¡¯t ever be able to recover after this suffering. Even so, he won¡¯t give up. I¡¯m sure of this because, as much as he loves books and loneliness, your brother also loves life. And, trust me, Doyle loves life!¡±


    Erin smiled again. ?More than he loves Kate?¡±


    ?Undoubtedly! Do you know why? Because if he hadn¡¯t loved life, Alex wouldn¡¯t have loved her.¡±


    Erin frowned this time. ?What makes you think that?¡±


    ?His ego?¡± An answer that made Erin even more confused than before. ?I mean that if he hasn¡¯t looked for her yet, it¡¯s undoubtedly because of his ego. He¡¯s a man eventually, Erin. He¡¯s an in-love man, who would have given everything to be with her. Yet, he¡¯s still a man with principles, a man who is incapable of fighting for someone else¡¯s woman. That¡¯s why he¡¯ll stay away from Kate, at least he¡¯ll do that while she¡¯s still with the other one. Nevertheless, I¡¯m sure he¡¯ll hope that one day she¡¯ll understand where her happiness is and she¡¯ll come to see him.¡±


    ?Maybe you¡¯re right. Yet, if he feels all this, shouldn¡¯t he stay in the coffee shop? It¡¯s the only place that has always linked him and Kate and the only place where she can find him if she decides to be with him.¡±


    ?What if it¡¯s not the only place?¡± Mark asked her confidently. ?No, this isn¡¯t a rhetorical question now because I¡¯m sure that¡¯s been more than a simple platonic love between them, as Alex has always wanted us to think about them.¡±


    ?A kiss then?¡±


    ?Undoubtedly. Also, the time. I mean¡­ both of them need time right now. How much¡­ I¡¯m not sure. What I¡¯m sure of is that they won¡¯t be together again so soon. That¡¯s why Doyle hid here, and Kate¡­ God knows where. Thus, they give each other a chance to breathe freely without having the other one with them. And, when they eventually understand that their happiness is undoubtedly the other one, they¡¯ll find him, no matter where the other one will be at that moment.¡±


    ?Yet, what if they understand that¡¯s nothing like this? What if they decide that¡¯s better for them not to be together? What will happen to Alex then?¡±


    ?He¡¯ll be just fine,¡± Mark whispered, putting his cup of tea next to him and holding Erin to his chest. Why did he do that? Why did he give her that vague answer? Because Mark also didn¡¯t know what the future would bring them. At the same time, he didn¡¯t know what was waiting for them and not only what was waiting for Alex and Kate. Nevertheless, he was sure Alex would be fine because it couldn¡¯t be different while he was surrounded by friends and had his sister with him. ?That family that one needs in such moments,¡± Mark thought eventually. ?A family both I and Kate didn¡¯t have when we needed it. What we¡¯ve had instead was a toothy life that threw us into the madness of the world with no life preserver so many times before. That¡¯s why we can count only on us. And, of course, we also can trust our ego, the only one that assures our survival.¡±


    What Flynn said weren¡¯t simple words or random thoughts but reality. Yes, that one was their reality because he already found out, from trustful sources, that Kate didn¡¯t have a good relationship with her family and that she had always been alone. Yet, he didn¡¯t tell anyone about what he had found out because he understood very well Kate¡¯s reasons for not giving up on what she had tried to build for years¡­ alone. At the same time, Mark understood that he did the same in the past - he lived alone and fought alone for everything he had. He also fought for Erin for years and never gave up. He did that because he was sure that she was his happiness. Thus, once he was sure that his heart and perseverance helped him to have Erin in his arms eventually and both of them were happy at that moment, Mark was also sure that Kate would do the same. He was sure that she¡¯d find the way toward that life that would make her happy and proud of herself for everything she made it in life¡­ alone.

 CHAPTER 24: AT THE CROSSROADS

    Nothing told Flynn that the storm was returning to his life that day. On the contrary, it seemed an ordinary day when he woke up next to Erin and poured a cup of fresh coffee that he enjoyed in front of the big window of the cottage Doyle where he had spent the last few days with Erin and Alex. Then, as carefully as possible, he put his sports suit on and ran about ten kilometers through the forest as he used to run every morning to warm up. After that, he returned to the cottage to have breakfast with the two brothers with whom he spent the rest of the day.


    Toward the evening, he received a phone call. It was a pretty weird call when he¡¯d been told that he had to return to Westport immediately due to minor problems with the provider. What kind of problems? He hadn¡¯t been told. He¡¯d been only vaguely informed that ?They said they¡¯d solve this problem only with you.¡± After that, the secretary said goodbye to him and hung up.


    ?What the hell was this?¡± Mark wondered, staying in front of the cottage this time and staring at the screen of his mobile phone, where he still saw the number of his secretary. ?More than that, since when is the secretary hanging up the call without letting me finish my thought?¡± Yet, even if he didn¡¯t understand too much of what just had happened and was a little pissed off by his secretary¡¯s behavior, whom he intended to fire for her effrontery, Mark still decided to check personally what the deal with his business was. For this, he had to return to the town. That¡¯s why he said goodbye to Erin and Alex eventually, telling them to be careful and that he was waiting for them back to Westport. After that, he entered the car, stealing a kiss from Erin to keep it in his soul for longer, and, stepping on the gas pedal to the brim, Mark headed toward the town.


    Looking behind Flynn¡¯s car, Alex frowned. ?He won¡¯t ever change.¡±


    ?Who exactly? Flynn?¡± Erin asked, seeming not to have understood her brother¡¯s words.


    ?Who else if not him?¡± Alex drily replied, seeming upset. ?He¡¯s the only one capable of driving fast on a forest road, which is covered by snow now, instead of being careful. More now when he tied his life to yours. Yet, instead of being wise, he looks for problems everywhere.¡±


    ?Something that reminds me about you,¡± Erin replied, smiling, making Alex frown again.


    ?Why exactly?¡±


    ?Because, just like Flynn, who looks for problems everywhere, you do everything to stay away from happiness. Or what, will you deny now that you aren¡¯t guilty of the fact that Kate hasn¡¯t been seen around you lately?¡± Alex didn¡¯t answer, something that made Erin smile again. ?You see?! I¡¯ve been right! Again, as I am always. Yet, if the previous times when you fell in love without receiving the same love back or when others fell in love with you but you didn¡¯t accept their feelings, I didn¡¯t say anything to you, I won¡¯t do the same now. I won¡¯t keep silent because I consider you the only one to blame for the present failure.¡±


    ?May I know why?¡± Alex asked her. He seemed pissed off while he headed toward the entrance to the cottage.


    Erin followed him right away. ?Because when you love someone, you fight for him till the end, Alex. Flynn might serve you as a vivid example because he hasn¡¯t given up on me all these years, even if I¡¯ve been pretending that I haven¡¯t noticed his feelings for me. You instead, due to a caprice, allowed a beautiful woman to leave you.¡±


    ?It hasn¡¯t been because of a caprice, actually. Why? Because¡­ she preferred Him again. She preferred to be with Him, Erin, despite all their problems and the pain she felt all this time. I had no chance in the fight with him. That¡¯s why I have to give up.¡±


    ?And do you know why you haven¡¯t had any chance against him?¡±


    ?Because I didn¡¯t dare to open myself in front of her?¡±


    ?That¡¯s right! A woman like Kathleen prefers honest people. She prefers to know who¡¯s around her and what the future will bring to her, and not look the unknown future in its eyes and be insecure about what¡¯s coming.¡±


    ?The same unknown future is waiting for her with him. You are the one who said that Ward isn¡¯t a trustworthy person. Even so, she preferred him instead of an unknown future with me, a future that seemed to make her happy.¡±


    ?You can¡¯t be sure of that.¡±


    ?That I could have made her happy?¡±


    ?No. I was talking about the real reason for Kate¡¯s preference for Ward. It might be out of habit or because she¡¯s afraid of the future. Alex, maybe Ward doesn¡¯t make her happy. Yet, she at least knows what to expect from him. Instead, except for those beautiful evenings you spent with her, reading a book or listening to classical music, you didn¡¯t talk to her about anything concrete. Just as you haven¡¯t let her know about your intentions with her.¡±


    ?It¡¯s been the kiss,¡± murmured Alex in his head while looking at the flames that were dancing in the fireplace. ?The kiss that burnt me inside, even if she gave it to me in a damn cold place¡­ one that¡¯s without her today. Even so, I still think about her all the time. I consider that kiss as a holy vow between us because none of us can¡¯t deny the fact that it will tie us forever, right from the moment our lips have touched each other for the first time, bringing us the first moment of happiness.¡±


    After such thoughts, Alex kept silent for a long time. Erin did the same, preferring to let him alone with his ghosts. That¡¯s why she went upstairs eventually, to her room, thinking of spending some time alone and thinking about all those beautiful moments she spent with Mark. Those moments about which she had been dreaming of for her entire life, but which she denied to herself because she was afraid to accept Flynn by her side. She did that because she thought that he was only a kid in the arms of love.


    Once in her room, she felt the anxiety writhing inside her, even if she didn¡¯t know why she felt that. That anxiety was damn unpleasant at that moment. The same she felt because of the bird with the name Fear, a bird that made her walk up and down the room, for a very long time, wondering what exactly she felt at that moment and why she couldn¡¯t calm down. Erin even called Mark at one point to make sure she didn¡¯t feel all that because of him and because he left so suddenly, but Mark didn¡¯t answer the phone.


    Because of this, Erin went to the first floor eventually, half an hour after she went to her room. There, she found Alex still in front of the big window and looking at the dark horizon of the night. He seemed restless and Erin clearly saw that. Erin understood this, looking at the uncontrolled movement of Doyle¡¯s shoulders that were now up and then down because of a kind of sick impulse. Yet, once she wasn¡¯t sure if he did that because of the same fear she felt or because of Kate, Erin approached him eventually. Touching his left shoulder, somehow fearing, she made him look at her. Then, she said in a shaking voice, ?I think something happened, Alex! Something bad!¡±


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    ?With whom?¡± He asked her, confused.


    Erin swallowed hard. ?With Mark! He doesn¡¯t answer the phone!¡±


    Alex smiled. Then, moved by a parental feeling, he caressed the top of Erin¡¯s head, telling her in a kind voice, ?He might be busy! Or, because he¡¯s still driving, he can¡¯t answer. Also, you know very well that he loves to drive and listen to music at a high volume. Thus, he might not hear the phone.¡±


    ?It¡¯s not that,¡± replied Erin, still in a shaking voice. ?At least, I don¡¯t think so because even if he¡¯s busy or drives and listens to the music, Mark doesn¡¯t ignore my calls.¡±


    This was so. Alex couldn¡¯t deny this fact because his friend had always been like that: even if he was busy or if he had been on his deathbed, he still would have answered a phone call. He would have undoubtedly done that, especially if it was a call from Erin. Because of this, Alex turned even more nervous. It happened because he found Mark¡¯s absence weird and unnatural. That¡¯s why he grabbed his coat from off the hanger and told Erin, ?Let¡¯s go and check if he¡¯s fine! If you stay here and do not see him, you won¡¯t calm down. Just as I won¡¯t be calm because of you eventually!¡±


    Erin didn¡¯t answer after she heard his nonsense thoughts, even if she heard them very well, and seemed to be the truth. She only took her coat from off the hanger and followed Alex, who was heading toward his car at that moment. Then, after they got in the car, they didn¡¯t say a word to each other for a long time. Thus, they allowed only the concern to press over their chest and the fear to follow them¡­ the fear of being single again¡­


    ***


    Erin¡¯s concern about Mark had been real that night because, once they got to the main road, the one that descended from the mountain and led to the city, they found Flynn¡¯s car overturned at the first dangerous curve. Seeing the vehicle overturned and enough rocks around it, Erin¡¯s soul froze for a few moments. The same happened to Alex¡¯s hand on the gearshift because he hadn¡¯t ever expected that Flynn would end like that. At least, Alex couldn¡¯t believe that a perfect day like that one, which they spent together, would end like that - like a tragedy.


    His sister¡¯s muttered cry, who was to his right, finally brought Alex back to his senses. Then, he stopped the car on the edge of the road and asked Erin not to step out of it. Alex had even been forced to raise his voice to make her react because poor Erin was shaking like an Aspen leaf at that moment, mumbling unintelligible words. Then, with uncertain steps, because the fear of finding Mark dead suddenly sneaked into his soul, Alex approached the vehicle, which he intended to check.


    Two steps from the overturned car, Alex stopped. Then, so suddenly that he made Erin wince and step out of the vehicle, although he asked her not to leave it, Alex returned to his car. He seemed damn concerned because Erin saw him quickening his pace at one point to get to the trunk, where she also headed eventually. Yet, even if she approached Alex, Erin didn¡¯t say a word. She only stared at him, terrified, seeing him taking a crowbar and a flashlight, starting to shake when Alex told her in a low voice, ?Follow me! But, with no panic!¡±


    Erin suddenly froze. ?He¡¯s¡­ dead?¡± She stuttered.


    ?Don¡¯t talk nonsense, Erin!¡± Her brother shouted at her. ?If he has had an accident, it doesn¡¯t mean he doesn¡¯t have a chance to survive. Just¡­ follow me and let me take care of him!¡±


    After such words, Alex turned his back to her and quickened his pace toward Flynn¡¯s car. Once there, he knelt in front of the driver¡¯s side and asked Erin to give him the flashlight. Yet, he impeded her from doing the same because he was afraid that her words might have been true, once anything could happen after an accident. Because of the same fear, Doyle carefully illuminated Flynn¡¯s bloody face, who had his eyes closed at that moment. Yet, feeling Alex¡¯s fingers touching his neck to check his pulse, Mark struggled to open his eyes and whispered, ?I¡¯m sorry!¡±


    ?For what?¡± Alex asked him in a shaking voice.


    ?For not listening to you. Yes, you told me so many times before not to rush on mountain roads. Instead, as always, I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn¡¯t afraid of anything. Thus, being stupid, I fell into this trap.¡±


    ?Do you remember what happened?¡±


    ?Yes. It happened so fast. Still, I remember it. I remember that I got to the road and stepped on the gas pedal again. After that, I¡¯ve seen the blinding light of someone¡¯s headlights. Then, it was all dark. It¡¯s been so dark and cold. I don¡¯t remember what happened next.¡±


    Alex and Erin exchanged glances after such words. ?The headlights of a car that came toward him?¡± Erin asked in a shaking voice. ?It doesn¡¯t make sense. This is a one-way road.¡±


    ?I know,¡± replied Alex, concerned. ?It seems that the accident has been hatched. Yet, until we can prove it, we can¡¯t accuse anybody of that. Just¡­ go with him and don¡¯t leave him alone, even for a second. Meanwhile, I¡¯ll call for help because I¡¯m afraid that he won¡¯t resist for long if we wait for more.¡±


    Erin just nodded, listening to what her brother said. After that, she ran toward their car and took a blanket from off the rear seat, which she used to cover Mark eventually to warm him a little. Then, she held his hand and didn¡¯t release it until the firefighters came and took Flynn out of the ruins of his own vehicle, climbing with him in the ambulance to be with him all the way to the hospital. Alex instead remained at the accident place to make sure no evidence would vanish and that the guilty one for the tragic accident of Flynn would be eventually punished.


    ***


    ?Are you sure that¡¯s a simple accident?¡± Erin asked Alex, confused, when he finally showed up at the hospital.


    ?Yes. The surveillance cameras, those from the entrance to that road, don¡¯t lie. It seems that someone took the wrong road up the mountain. Even so, he didn¡¯t turn back, thinking that the road was unused and that he¡¯d be safe after all.¡±


    ?Do we know who¡¯s to blame for that?¡± Conor asked his son. He and his wife Matilde came to the hospital right after finding out about Mark¡¯s accident.


    ?Honestly, no. Even if there¡¯s a record about the vehicle, it¡¯s still unclear. The police couldn¡¯t see the plaque.¡±


    ?And this means the perp remains unpunished.¡±


    ?Something like that,¡± whispered Matilde, sighing after this. ?Yet, the important thing now is for Mark to be fine. We¡¯ll take care of the rest after that, sweetheart! Now, what matters is that he¡¯s fine!¡±


    Such words didn¡¯t calm Erin. On the contrary, she seemed even more worried than before. For an unknown reason, she kept remembering the phone call Flynn received from his secretary. She didn¡¯t know her personally, but she heard from Mark that that one was a good woman. Now instead, so suddenly, she acted weird, giving a weird phone call to her boss and asking Mark to come to the town immediately for a problem that required his presence. ?After that, so unexpectedly, the accident happened. Does it seem weird only to me?¡±


    ?Honestly no,¡± responded Conor, although he saw Alex about to say something. ?All this seems to be a setup. Yet, as Alex said, until we don¡¯t have evidence, we can¡¯t accuse anybody. We¡¯ll be able to do that though once Mark is recovered and able to tell us more about the accident.¡±


    ?Yet, that¡¯s the problem, Dad: we don¡¯t know if he¡¯s fine after that. You heard the doctor before going to surgery - Mark is in a critical condition. He is worried about Mark¡¯s legs and that he¡¯ll be able to walk again. The spine injury seems to be serious.¡±


    Saying this, Erin burst into a cry. She cried a lot in Alex¡¯s arms, who understood very well what was in his elder sister¡¯s soul at that moment. It couldn¡¯t be different because such a thing happened to her at that moment when she seemed to have found her happiness with Mark. Nevertheless, they couldn¡¯t give up so soon. Not until Mark was alive and they still had a chance to be happy, something Alex intended to fight for because even if it seemed that it was forbidden for him to be happy with Kate, he wanted at least Erin to be happy¡­ no matter the consequences.

 CHAPTER 25: AS IF IT’S ALWAYS WINTER IN MY SOUL

    The news that Flynn had a serious car accident confused Kate so much that she suddenly felt her soul freezing inside her and even her heart stopped for a few moments. All this happened because she was afraid. Yes, she was afraid to death that Alex could have been in that car, once she knew that he and Mark were close friends and always together when the other one had a difficult time and needed a friend.


    ?As Alex seems to need right now,¡± Kate thought, shuddering inside again. Then, closing her eyes for a few moments, she covered her face with her palms and deeply breathed in several times, trying to calm down. Such a trick didn¡¯t help her this time. On the contrary, she felt her heart madly beating in her chest while her thoughts, those that spun like bees in her head, weren¡¯t allowing her to think normally.


    How not feel all this when she considered that everything that happened was because of her?! Yes, that car accident might have happened after that kiss at the docks when she and Alex said goodbye to each other, although they hadn¡¯t ever had a romantic relationship. At least it hadn¡¯t been an open relationship but one hidden in their hearts and thoughts, a relationship they decided to talk to each other only once, but which ended up so suddenly¡­ after a kiss and a few words randomly spoken by the man and by her to the man she got to care about so much.


    Eventually, all these were simple conjectures: that the accident happened because of her and that their kiss was the one to be blamed for every single bad thing that happened in her life and the lives of others. Nevertheless, once she couldn¡¯t convince herself what was the truth and what was a lie, and she couldn¡¯t convince herself of this because she turned into a coward eventually, all Kate could do at that moment was to look in front, at the sea that was stretching somewhere to the horizon. At that moment, she was on the terrace of the ?Dreams¡± coffee shop, where she had been more often lately. Why exactly did Kate start to frequent that place? Because it was not that far from the docks, where she stole a kiss from Alex and her heart and the time of a lost love froze in front of the tormented sea because of longing and concern.


    Kate also seemed to have turned herself into a statue in that place. She was an alive statue, so beautiful in most cases, even if her eyes were so sad at that moment. It couldn¡¯t be different when she gave her heart to another man but remained by the side of the one whom she thought she¡¯d been in love with and would love for an entire life. Yes, Kate was still with the man she thought she was capable of giving her life for, but who turned out to be a selfish man eventually - Jonathan Ward, although her heart longed for another man.


    Why did Kate think that Ward was selfish? Simply because he wanted her back when there weren¡¯t feelings between them anymore. Yes, there wasn¡¯t love in their relationship anymore, just as there wasn¡¯t respect. Even so, Jonathan was stubborn not to accept that. At the same time, Kate was stubbornly clinging to that relationship, although she was pretty sure that she was playing the role of the moribund who desperately wanted one more breath of fresh air.


    Nevertheless, ?There¡¯s only the ego left eventually. There¡¯s only my helplessness in front of fate and my delusions because I can¡¯t leave myself behind - that Kate that lived in the past, just to make sure I¡¯ll freely fly toward the sun. That¡¯s why I made this choice eventually: I did what Jonathan did - being selfish and dreaming about love in another man¡¯s arms, although I wasn¡¯t a free woman. And I didn¡¯t only dream of that, but I also deeply felt it with that kiss, which meant betrayal eventually because you aren¡¯t single, Kate. You aren¡¯t a free woman, and this hurts so bad.¡±


    At the same time, incertitude hurt her, and the fact that she didn¡¯t have anyone to ask about what happened. Yet, she wanted so badly to find out: to know what happened to Mark, who became a friend eventually for the simple fact that he was Doyle¡¯s friend, to know what happened to Alex, and to find out what Erin felt too. ?The one that I¡¯m sure suffers the most right now.¡±


    All these thoughts made her sigh eventually while her eyes looked at the blind sun that had suddenly shown up from the sea. That sun was blind because of the fog that seemed to come from the offshore, quickly approaching the shore. It was a fog that seemed not to preoccupy anybody because all the clients that were on the terrace of the coffee shop at that moment looked at it as charmed. They all were so charmed by that beauty of the beginning of December, which seemed part of a fairy tale: with an injured sun that raised in the sky from off the battlefield, washed by the tears of its beloved sea that was always with it.


    Kate also looked at the seagulls that were restlessly flying above the foamy waves that were taking a form offshore and rushing toward the shore. Seagulls whose feathers seemed gray at that moment because of the fog and the blind sun. Yet, they didn¡¯t care about this. The seagulls cared only about their love, which they brotherly shared with the beloved blue sea, the one that wore a white dress at that moment¡­ A dress tailored from the foam of the depths of the sea and of the fog that was thicker and thicker with each second that passed, making the cold be felt so well at that moment.


    Eventually, when the waiter approached Kate with the bill, she took the wallet out of her small black purse, which she kept on the seat next to her all that time. Then, she took the credit card from her wallet and gave it to the waiter without looking at the bill. Kate just kept looking in front, at the sun that was barely seen at the horizon, a sun that seemed to be tightly embraced by the foam of the sea and by the dance of the seagulls from above. All this seemed to be both a sad and beautiful sight at that moment, something that made Kate sigh again.


    Kate¡¯s sigh made the waiter stop, although he was heading toward another table at that moment, where he¡¯d been summoned. Yet, even if he stopped, he didn¡¯t look at Kate but at the sun. After that, he smiled and whispered, ?It looks so beautiful and proud, even in such moments.¡±


    ?Do you think so?¡± Kate asked, without looking at the man.


    ?What exactly?¡±


    ?That the sun seems proud when it looks as trampled under the feet and washed by the tears of all those that had believed in him once.¡±


    The waiter smiled after Kate¡¯s words. Then, looking at her and seeing her beautiful black eyes bathed by the tears of the same horizon that embraced the sun, he said, ?I never doubted that, you know: that the sun is only one and it¡¯s so proud. He¡¯s like us: unique on this earth, someone that deserves to live forever and proudly and never looking at the ground.¡±


    ?Still, He looks at it. At the ground, I mean, even if the ground is so far away from it.¡±


    ?This is because we always look at those we love. The Sun does the same, don¡¯t you think so?¡±


    ?Maybe. Yet¡­ it seems so strange eventually.¡±


    ?Honestly, I don¡¯t see this like that. Why? Because¡­ the sun is our soul, in fact. It¡¯s better to say that the Sun is the personification of everything we live in this life. That¡¯s why It often looks like that - sometimes as trampled under our feet, other times¡­ washed by the tears that we haven¡¯t dared to shed. And, in many cases, it just shines¡­ It proudly shines in the sky, showing us all its splendor, something we should also do.¡±


    Kate smiled. ?Maybe you are right. Yet¡­ it¡¯s so hard to believe in this sometimes.¡±


    ?To believe in what? In the Sun?¡±


    ?No, in ourselves, John,¡± Kate whispered, standing up. After that, turning her back to the young man about twenty, Kate slowly walked toward the docks where she¡¯d stolen a kiss from Alex a few days before. She headed toward the same docks from where the horizon was so clear to look at, just as it was the perfect place to look at the Sun that was in love with the seawater¡­ A sun that lived just like Kate - an impossible love, but not with a human being but with the sky in whose embracement it lived forever.


    Looking behind her, the waiter smiled again. ?So beautiful¡­,¡± he whispered in the end, still looking behind the woman and at that beautiful view of the horizon. Yet, it wasn¡¯t sure if he whispered that because of the unknown woman who was moving away from him or because of the gorgeous sunset that her teary black eyes had watched for so long.


    ***


    Kate spent that day embraced by the sea and that blind December Sun. She spent it watching the seagulls flying above her that were barely seen through that white fog that had raised a lot above the foamy waves and at that red sun that was barely seen by her through the tears that bathed her cheeks for so long. A sun that had often kissed the top of her head to give her some comfort, but whose kiss Kate didn¡¯t feel eventually. This happened because she considered her tears more important at that moment - tears that were born in her soul and that had cleared the retina of her eyes eventually, making her sadly smile, in the end.


    She smiled because she understood that it was time to turn back to life. It was the time to return to her daily routine and stop running away from people. Because of this, she turned her back to the sea eventually, intending to go to the hotel and spend the rest of the day in bed, reading a book or sleeping, as she had always done lately.


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    Nevertheless, her heart, which was as stubborn as Kate was, didn¡¯t allow her to detach herself completely from that reality toward which her being was so eagerly trying to reach at that moment, especially after the kiss with Doyle. Because of this, Kate stopped at one moment, when she was only ten meters away from the docks, sighing again. After that, somehow heavily and tormented by the ghosts of her past, although her footsteps seemed so confident at that moment, she approached the terrace of the coffee shop again where she found John cleaning one of the tables.


    Seeing Kate back to that place, the waiter smiled. ?Another coffee?¡±


    ?No. I¡¯d like you to help me with something else if it¡¯s possible.¡±


    ?Of course! If I can do that, why not?!¡±


    ?I¡¯m sure you can. I mean¡­ I think you can help me with that because¡­ I¡¯ve heard you earlier talking to one of your colleagues about Mark Flynn¡¯s accident.¡±


    John suddenly frowned. ?Do you know him?¡± He asked her, soon after this.


    ?Yes,¡± Kate rushed to say. ?Not very well, but I know him. That¡¯s why I¡¯d like to know where he is and if I can visit him.¡±


    ?Honestly, I also don¡¯t know too much, ma¡¯am! I only know that he had an ugly accident a few days ago, and that¡¯s all. More about this you can find out if you call him directly or if you try to reach his family. For the moment, it¡¯s all I can tell you. Or¡­ you can try to talk to someone from the University Hospital. It¡¯s the only Hospital specialized to treat patients with difficult traumas. He¡¯s been hospitalized there, most probably.¡±


    Saying this, the waiter smiled again. Then, he turned his back to Kate and rushed toward another table that was free to clean because he saw a group of clients heading toward the terrace. Loyal clients as Kate thought after this because she¡¯d often seen them there those days when she¡¯d been there.


    After that, silently, although she should have been cheerful because of the group of youngsters that were cheerfully talking and making jokes when they showed up on the terrace, Kate turned her back to that place and moved away. She seemed hunched at that moment, although she straightened her back when she walked away, proudly walking as she used to walk generally. Yet, she looked so hunched because of her tormented soul because she couldn¡¯t feel differently when she stopped feeling herself happy again.


    ***


    When Kate got in front of the University Hospital it was already sunset. Even so, she knew that it wasn¡¯t late for visits because, before coming there, she dared to give a phone call to the reception of the hospital, asking if Mark Flynn was a patient there. Finding out that Mark was hospitalized there, Kate hung up right away, stopping a taxi in the middle of the street, which she entered after that. Then, she asked the driver to take her to the hospital, being silent all the way toward there.


    Stepping out of the taxi, Kate hesitated. She was afraid to head toward the entrance to the hospital, although she didn¡¯t know why she felt that. No, Kate knew that reason, but she preferred to ignore it, although her heart was madly pouncing in her chest, yelling at her, ?You can see him again. You¡¯ll see Alex again for sure today because Alex isn¡¯t the man to run away when those he cares about suffer.¡± Then, Kate smiled. She did that because of the desperate yell of her heart, which knew very well what happiness meant for Kate - the one that was stubbornly chasing the happiness away from her, although she wanted so badly to be happy.


    Eventually, Kate decided. She decided that, no matter what, she should see Mark that day and make sure he was fine. At least, she decided to go upstairs, to the floor where he¡¯d been hospitalized, and ask the nurses about his condition if she hadn¡¯t dared to talk to Erin, Alex, or someone from Flynn¡¯s family about Mark. Yet, after a few steps toward the door, Kate stopped when she heard Erin¡¯s voice to her right.


    ?Ms. O¡¯Connell?¡± Erin asked Kate when she¡¯d seen her. Erin was returning from the hospital park where she¡¯d been for a while when she felt the desperate need to be alone for a while and think. Then, she and Kate headed back to the park eventually, after they looked into each other¡¯s eyes and decided to take a few steps together instead of going to Flynn¡¯s ward.


    ?How is he, by the way?¡± Kate asked Erin after a long time of silently walking side by side.


    ?Do you mean Mark or Alex?¡± Erin pretended not to have understood the question.


    ?Mark,¡± Kate answered her right away.


    Erin smiled. ?He¡¯s fine. I mean¡­ he¡¯s as fine as a man who had such an ugly accident can be. Yet, he¡¯ll be fine, once he starts the rehabilitation and will be able to walk again.¡±


    Kate suddenly stopped, staring into Erin¡¯s eyes. Thus, she understood that Erin had cried, for a long time, by the way, because her eyes were red and her makeup was a little bit less. Even so, Erin was trying to smile, as she had often done in the last few days when she was around Flynn. Especially, Erin did that after Mark recovered from anesthesia, trying to give him some courage.


    Yet, such a scam wasn¡¯t something Erin managed to fulfill perfectly. She knew that very well, but she couldn¡¯t stop doing this because Erin knew that it was the only way she could encourage Mark not to give up. At the same time, Erin was trying to encourage herself because she felt so powerless at that moment, seeing a man like Flynn, who had always been cheerful, smiled, active, and had always been in a good mood, forced to stay in bed, even if he wasn¡¯t considered incapable of walking again.


    Even so, this didn¡¯t mean that their nightmare was over or that they could move on as though nothing had happened. No. All of them knew very well that the nightmare had just started because Flynn needed many months of rehabilitation and a lot of work to stand up again. Yet, despite this titanic work, Erin felt positive about the results and was available to do everything for them to be fine, for him to be healthy, and with her forever. At the same time, Erin tried to let Mark know that she¡¯d be with him all that time and that he didn¡¯t have the right to give up, at least not without a fight, no matter how powerless he didn¡¯t feel at that moment or even if he wanted to give up.


    What Erin couldn¡¯t do was to protect Mark from loneliness. This happened because she knew that Mark¡¯s family wasn¡¯t with him in such moments. Yes, she was with him, just as Alex, their family, and their friends were there for Flynn. Yet, all this didn¡¯t matter too much at that moment because the one Mark would have wanted with him wasn¡¯t there - his father, the only family Flynn had at that moment, after he¡¯d lost his mother when he was very young, and he didn¡¯t have siblings. All he had was his father, but that one seemed completely disinterested in his life, as he had always been.


    Actually, Edward Flynn¡¯s carelessness was what bothered Erin the most. She even got to hate that man, although she didn¡¯t meet him too many times in her life. Even so, it¡¯s been enough for her to hear him asking her, ?Is he dead?¡± when she called him to tell him about Mark¡¯s accident. A question that made Erin answer in an irritated tone, ?This is what you want?¡±


    ?Of course not,¡± Edward rushed to answer. ?I just wanted to hear a clear answer and not be room for misunderstandings.¡±


    ?If you had really wanted that, you should have asked first if he¡¯s alive, fine, and if he needs something, not if he¡¯s dead,¡± Erin harshly replied. ?Yet¡­ what could I have waited from a man who hadn¡¯t ever been interested in Mark¡¯s fate? Thus, if you aren¡¯t interested in this and you don¡¯t care about your son, others will do that in your place, Mister Flynn. We¡¯ll be interested in his welfare, those who really care about Mark, those who love him and will always be with him. Meanwhile¡­ just live your life the best you can, not thinking about your future or what is waiting for you¡­ loneliness, I mean. Why? Because I¡¯m sure you¡¯ll die alone, once you haven¡¯t ever been able to love your son or show him that you care about him.¡±


    After yelling these words, Erin hung up the phone and left the hospital. She did that when she felt that she was about to explode and she didn¡¯t want that. Erin didn¡¯t want to cry in front of Mark, whom she left asleep when she got out of the ward to give that phone call.


    Erin cried a lot that day. She did that, trying to cool her soul. Then, feeling that the cry didn¡¯t help her to feel better, but it irritated her more, especially when she thought about the injustice and that others could be so selfish, Erin decided to return to Flynn¡¯s ward. She did that, understanding that Mark needed her more than she needed to cry.


    Seeing Kate that day, especially after the walk they had together, Erin finally started to feel better. Even her black thoughts suddenly vanished somewhere and hope sneaked into her soul again: hope that tomorrow would be better than today and that happiness would knock on their door again, letting them know that it was worth fighting. At the same time, the desire that maybe Kate and Alex would be happy too sneaked into her soul. That¡¯s why she asked Kate eventually, ?How do you feel?¡±


    ?As if it¡¯s always winter in my soul,¡± Kate replied, forcing a smile. ?As though it¡¯s always windy and the cold enters your bones because¡­ there can¡¯t be happiness where there¡¯s everything lost, it seems to me.¡±


    ?Even so, you are still there, next to Him, and not with someone else who could have chased that cold away and brought big snowflakes instead of it. Big snowflakes that could have made you happy and feel as if you are a child again. Instead of this, you prefer sadness and the cold. Why Kate?¡±


    ?Out of habit,¡± Kate answered in a shaking voice. ?Because I¡¯m a coward too. I¡¯m afraid of a fresh start, in fact. I¡¯m afraid that I won¡¯t be able to forgive myself if I move on without him. Why do I do that? I¡¯m not also sure. I just feel that I have to do that. I feel that I have to fight up to the end just to make sure I won¡¯t blame myself after that for not doing everything for this relationship to work.¡±


    ?Even if this hurts you more?¡±


    ?Eventually, love hurts, Erin. No matter how much you aren¡¯t involved in this or how much effort you haven¡¯t made, no matter how many sacrifices you won¡¯t make, it still hurts¡­ Love, I mean.¡±


    ?Allow me to think differently.¡±


    ?About what? That love can be different than the one made from pain?¡±


    ?That¡¯s right. Happiness fulfills, Kate. Real happiness, I mean. This warms you inside even when it¡¯s winter. It gives you wings to fly next to the butterflies in the spring, to dance in the rhythm of the fresh grass in summer evenings, or to look at the nostalgia with the eyes of autumn. Not alone, but accompanied by the real love¡­ the one that always lives inside us.¡±

 CHAPTER 26: DECISIONS FOR TWO

    The thoughts had always been present in Mark¡¯s head. Especially, they started to take over him after the accident. They were thoughts about what was coming, about how much he had to suffer in his life, or about what happened in his life because enough things happened in Flynn¡¯s life and a lot he suffered too. Yes, he definitely suffered too much in his life, but Mark hadn¡¯t ever complained about this. That¡¯s why only a few of his friends knew his real story and that he wasn¡¯t that playboy or that rich boy everybody thought he was. At the same time, Flynn didn¡¯t have a life with no worries or problems as many of those who knew him or had contact with him in one way or another described him.


    Actually, Mark wasn¡¯t the kind of person who complained to others about how cruel and difficult could be this life. He could smile in front of his problems instead as he had always done since his mother passed away, whom he lost when he was only five because of cancer. He could jokingly tell others that he was a poor guy with money because his soul was poor, and Mark said such jokes when he received from life more slaps than caresses and met thorns in his way toward the future. Because of this, he could close inside for a long time, thinking about everything that happened and wondering ?Has this been my fault for what happened or is this just another test fate puts in front of me to see if I¡¯m worthy to succeed or I¡¯m just a poor soul that passes through life?!¡±


    Mark hadn¡¯t ever found an answer to such questions: neither from life nor from his friends, whom he had often asked, like a joke only, what they would have done if they had been in one situation or another. Mark even got to describe those situations in detail, supporting his idea as being just thoughts he had because he wanted to write a book. Thus, he hadn¡¯t ever let others understand that the main character of those stories was he in fact. And he wasn¡¯t an adult character in those stories but a child because Flynn had always suffered in his childhood when he¡¯d been left alone in many cases without others caring about his pain. A loneliness that he had often felt painfully biting his throat just to let him know that he wouldn¡¯t ever get rid of it. Even so, stubborn by nature, Flynn had told himself that he wouldn¡¯t be defeated or knocked down by a damn loneliness. That¡¯s why he had always fought tooth and nail with it, clinging to life. Thus, he got to get rid of loneliness while being among friends, those he was always looking for because he knew that this was his only chance not to be alone with those thoughts that slowly but surely devoured him inside.


    Because of the same loneliness and thoughts Mark got to understand Kate very well. He didn¡¯t do that because of what she had told them about her or something she had deliberately done, but simply by looking into her eyes. Flynn saw a sea of sadness there, the same sadness he often saw in his eyes when he was still a child. Mark had seen the same sadness even when he was a teenager. Even so, he hadn¡¯t ever been able to understand why he didn¡¯t have the right to be loved and why he was the only one left behind when everything he needed was a family.


    The family he needed Mark had found soon after going to primary school and made friends with Alex. Actually, he had known Doyle since always because he had seen him before at dinners and family parties, once their parents were friends. Nevertheless, they hadn¡¯t ever talked to each other or been close. The reason? Mark considered that Alex was a freak because Doyle had definitely been a weirdo while being a child, preferring to be alone instead of being surrounded by friends. Thus, he was the opposite of Flynn, who ran as far as he could from that painful and toothy loneliness while Alex did everything to look for it.


    With Erin instead happened the contrary because, even if she was a few years older than them, Mark still found her beautiful, although he was still very young at that time. Mark found her beautiful because of her blue eyes and her blond hair, which fell over her back like beautiful curls that she often grabbed to the back of her head with a ribbon. A black ribbon that Mark had often seen in his teenage years when he started to dream about pure love, mutual love, and not a platonic one as Erin had often let him know that his love for her could only be.


    Because of the same black ribbon with oval edges, Mark started looking for happiness in other women. He did that, trying to chase the loneliness away from his soul no matter what, a loneliness that did everything to control his heart, making him think about Erin all the time. He was thinking about her especially when he heard her telling him, ?Just friends.¡± Yet, no matter how much Mark didn¡¯t look for comfort in the arms of other women and in the scent of other ribbons grabbed in the hair of other Misses, Flynn hadn¡¯t ever found that magic elixir he had always looked for. And, right after he understood that the Miss with whom he was dating at that time wasn¡¯t what he needed, he suddenly turned distant, absent, and indifferent, managing to add one more failure to the long list of his failed relationships because his girlfriends abandoned him for sure after that.


    Even so, Mark¡¯s indifference wasn¡¯t for sure an experience he got over the years but a ?Family relic.¡± It was undoubtedly a ?holy relic,¡± which he hated even if he was aware of it, a relic he hadn¡¯t ever tried to get rid of. Why exactly? Because this helped him think, feel free, and look for other purposes in his life, as his father always did because indifference was something Mark had inherited from Edward.


    Father and son were pretty similar actually - not only their character was alike but also their physical. At the same time, many, especially women, adored both of them. Thus, none of them had ever lacked attention and ?love,¡± something that seemed that they hadn¡¯t ever looked for in purpose. At least this didn¡¯t happen in Mark¡¯s case, who had always looked for women¡¯s attention because he wanted to find that ?unique woman¡± of his heart, his ?Queen¡± as he often used to joke when he was among friends and those friends made fun of him when they found out about a new failed relationship of Mark.


    In Edward Flynn¡¯s case, women had always been his soul treasure. He adored them being only a teenager, when he¡¯d been young, and even after he got married. Edward always adored them because he found the ?fulfillment¡± with them, as he was often heard telling his friends when they were asking him about what he found in that new Ms. or Mrs. with whom he was seen at that moment. Ladies who had often been seen by others next to Edward even when his wife, Emma, was still alive.


    Emma instead, even if she often saw her husband accompanied by other women, hadn¡¯t ever reproached him that. She not only didn¡¯t reproach Edward that he was cheating on her, but she even blamed herself for this. She did that thinking that she wasn¡¯t pretty enough, talented, or what he needed if Edward preferred other women in her place. Emma did that even if she knew that only thanks to her Edward was known as one of the most influential businessmen in the area. This didn¡¯t happen only because of the investment Emma made in his business but also because of her direct help because Emma Flynn had been a woman whom people rarely meet in their life: able to make even a dry stone drip water when it was necessary. She¡¯d been a woman coveted by many men. Yet, she¡¯d been the woman who wrongly chose love in life, and this happened because she fell for Edward right away - after a first smile and then a hot kiss because Edward Flynn was very skillful at such tricks, and she fell for him because Edward wanted her no matter what. Edward Flynn wanted Emma right from the beginning, after seeing her at one party and finding out whose daughter she was. Thus, he decided to have her as his wife and his successor¡¯s mother because both of them were born into wealthy families and a worthy heir was all they wanted.


    Nevertheless, Edward hadn¡¯t ever had that worthy heir with Emma. At least this was what he thought: that their child, Mark, wasn¡¯t what he wanted. The reason? Mark had been a sickly child, who hated the riding and the hunt while Edward desperately wanted his son with him. Edward wanted his heir to be with him all over even from his young years, and he wanted that because he wanted to show to the world that Edward Flynn, the biggest of the ?Kings of Westport¡± had a worthy successor.


    Because of this, Edward got to hate his son as time passed. He hated him for his skinny body, for his gray eyes that were weakly shining, and for his almost red hair that had nothing to do with Edward¡¯s black and thick hair. Mark was also pale, ?as white as a vampire¡± as his father often hissed through his teeth when he was pissed off with him and argued with Mark. Edward also did that because he would have liked Mark to have his olive peach skin that was almost olive - ?the color of a healthy man,¡± as he often told his friends to praise himself, something that he was sure Mark wouldn¡¯t ever have.


    At the same time, Edward hated Mark because he saw him as one of his rivals who competed with him for the women¡¯s hearts. Edward hated Mark because his son got to be a handsome man, who was much more influential than he was or had been in his youth age. This happened after Mark managed to make his mother¡¯s business work again, something related to interior design and construction, a business Edward left behind, thinking that it wasn¡¯t worth wasting his time with it. Not only because of this Edward hated his son, but he also hated him because Mark became someone important in Westport due to his work and not because of someone¡¯s help, something that hardened his soul and body. Thus, Mark became the support of many in town but never Edward¡¯s support.


    You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.


    All this made the two Flynns argue more often than before. They argued because of the family business too, something Mark didn¡¯t want to be involved in, and Mark didn¡¯t want that because the casinos, Edward¡¯s main business, wasn¡¯t something he liked. At the same time, they argued because Mark didn¡¯t want to be submissive to his father, who considered that his son was forced to do that, once he was older, wiser, and experienced. Because of the same thoughts, Edward hated when Mark replied to him - somehow authoritarian and convincing, something Mark had definitely inherited from his father. Even so, even if he was his father¡¯s younger copy, Mark hadn¡¯t ever been good enough for his father, and this happened because he refused to bow his head in front of Edward.


    Such arguments managed to lead them away from each other, much more than they were already. They even got not to talk to each other for months. If they were seeing each other, at a luncheon or business party, they were coldly greeting each other, pretending to have a good relationship. Both of them did that because both father and son preferred to keep their problems only for them and not share them with other people, especially with their enemies. For the rest, each of them lived his life, trying to do the best they could to succeed and build a better future, turning into someone really important in that modern society that had always kept an eye on them, like those hungry crows that were always looking for prey.


    Nevertheless, all this hadn¡¯t ever bothered Mark - to be in the spotlight. What bothered him instead was his relationship with Edward, with whom he hadn¡¯t ever been able to have a normal talk or build a strong bridge between them because they were the only family they had. Yet, no matter what Mark didn¡¯t do wasn¡¯t something Edward liked. Edward even did everything to let his son know that he wasn¡¯t good enough and didn¡¯t reach his standards. Edward also did everything to tell Mark that he wasn¡¯t good for one business or another, reminding him that ?A good and worthy heir always bows his head in front of his parents to make sure he¡¯ll be worthy to follow them in their footsteps.¡±


    Such ?advice,¡± received from his father, managed to hurt Mark more. Not only did the words hurt him but also the irony felt in Edward¡¯s voice, just as it hurt him to know that his father hadn¡¯t ever looked at him as an equal soul. Even so, Mark hadn¡¯t ever given up on his biggest dream - to be accepted by his father, on Edward to praise him for his successes and tell him at least once in his life, ?You did great, Flynn. You are worth to be my son!¡±


    ***


    Mark¡¯s eyes suddenly filled with tears because of those painful memories from his past that tormented him so much that he hadn¡¯t been able to control himself anymore. Flynn was incapable of controlling his feelings at that moment, although for days, after the accident, he tried not to cry or show Erin that he was afraid. He just tried hard not to let her understand that he started to fear the future so suddenly, just as he feared that he¡¯d be alone and powerless again. Mark didn¡¯t want to feel this again, to feel the same as he had felt when he lost his mother, and his father didn¡¯t care about him but left his son alone.


    At that moment though, tears took over him, bathing not only his cheeks but also the pillow under his head, powerfully shaking his body. Mark was crying with all his body at that moment. He cried because of the present that painfully slapped him again, he cried for the past that made him so weak, although he tried so hard not to show this feature to anybody, just as he was crying for the unknown future that made Flynn fear it.


    What Mark was so afraid of was that he wouldn¡¯t be strong and on his feet again. He was afraid that he¡¯d be left behind by his friends, abandoned by the one he loved, although Erin let him understand that she¡¯d always be with him, just as he was afraid that he¡¯d lose everything he built with his hands all those years: businesses, important relationships with people, and even his life that, even if it wasn¡¯t perfect, was still his. At the same time, Mark was afraid that he wouldn¡¯t be the previous Mark anymore, and he was afraid of this because, each time life painfully slapped his face again and forced him to stand up alone, Flynn became another person. He was stronger, but this hadn¡¯t ever satisfied him because this hardened his character and made him so similar to Edward.


    ?Something I don¡¯t want to happen ever,¡± murmured Mark, sobbing. ?I really don¡¯t want that. I don¡¯t want to be like him: lacking soul and having no respect for love. If this happens, it will mean that I¡¯m losing everything I¡¯ve always fought for.¡±


    He was alone in the ward at that moment because Erin wasn¡¯t back yet. When she left, Mark was still sleeping. Yet, this didn¡¯t ever bother or concern Mark because he knew that Erin left only for a short time. That day though, right after awakening, he felt weird. He felt as though the entire world was about to collapse, that the earth was about to crack and swallow him, dragging him toward its bottomless depth.


    The reason for that hopelessness wasn¡¯t a dream he might have had or an old fear that awakened inside him. No, it undoubtedly hadn¡¯t anything to do with his tears. What confused him so much and made him fear was undoubtedly Erin¡¯s words that she told Edward. Mark heard her talking to his father at that moment, although Erin made that call in the corridor. Even so, Mark heard her complaining to Conor after that, whom she called after talking to Edward, reproaching her father in a loud voice, ?I don¡¯t really understand how you can be friends with someone like that, father. He¡¯s a soulless man, who asks if his son is dead instead of worrying about him.¡±


    Mark felt such words like a knife that stabbed his soul. That ?if he¡¯s dead¡± was undoubtedly about him, words that only Edward might have spoken because he was a man who didn¡¯t know what love meant. That¡¯s why his father could ask such questions instead of pretending to care or at least stop by there as any normal person would have done for someone he knows. Yet, ?What I¡¯ve expected from him?¡± Mark wondered after that. ?He hasn¡¯t ever loved me. That¡¯s why he doesn¡¯t care about me. I¡¯ve always been a mistake for him, that unworthy heir he didn¡¯t want and whom he would have wanted to be erased from the earth¡¯s surface. That¡¯s why he asks if I¡¯m dead and not alive. If this had happened, this would have meant victory for him for sure.¡±


    With such words spinning in his head, Mark fell asleep that afternoon. At least he pretended to be asleep when Erin entered the ward to check how he was. Mark did that because he didn¡¯t want to ask her to explain things to him because the curiosity suddenly started squirming his soul, something that made him want to ask her, ?What else did he say? Did he at least feel sorrow? Or¡­ does he come?¡±


    Eventually, eyes closed, Mark fell asleep. Before that, he felt Erin moving up and down through that ward. He felt her agitated because Mark knew very well that Erin hated injustice. Then, when he awoke at one point, he saw her with her back to him, in front of the big window, watching into the distance. She had her arms folded over her chest, as each time Erin stood when thoughts and emotions overwhelmed her. Seeing this, Mark preferred not to let her know that he was awakened. He did that aware that Erin needed to think and make a decision. ?A decision for two,¡± as Mark told himself after that because he knew that it was time for Erin to make that decision and leave him because, even if he loved her, Flynn wasn¡¯t selfish and didn¡¯t want to keep her with him. Not when he knew how much pain waited for him in the future and not when he wasn¡¯t sure that he¡¯d be able to walk again, just as he wasn¡¯t sure he¡¯d be again that Mark with whom she had fallen in love.


    ***


    The moment she got in front of the ward and saw Mark crying, Erin wanted to enter, scared a lot to see him like that. Yet, she suddenly felt someone grabbing her arm and pulling her away from the door. This amazed Erin a lot because she wasn¡¯t expecting anybody there. Looking to her left, she saw Alex, who shook his head and told her, ?Don¡¯t do that, Erin!¡±


    ?Not to do what?¡± She asked her brother, amazed a lot because of his words, which she didn¡¯t understand.


    ?Don¡¯t enter that ward, I mean. More¡­ don¡¯t trample his dignity.¡±


    ?Have you lost your mind?¡± Erin¡¯s eyes yelled at him after this while she kept staring into Alex¡¯s eyes, who seemed very preoccupied. She was right to wonder this, once she couldn¡¯t understand how her brother could think something like that about her - that she was able to trample Mark¡¯s dignity. Not after all she¡¯d done for him and not after she¡¯s sworn to be with him for an entire life.


    Only when Alex whispered, ?No man ever wants his woman to see him crying, Erin. Mark doesn¡¯t want you to see him crying because he¡¯s a real man¡± did she understand what her brother meant by saying those words.


    Even so, confused, she whispered eventually, ?Something that seems crazy to me because¡­ Alex, he needs me in such moments. He needs me to show him that I care about him, that I¡¯ll always be with him, and that he can count on me.¡±


    ?Mark knows that, Erin. Deep in his soul, he knows this. Yet, at this right moment, he doesn¡¯t need words but deeds. Mark needs to be alone, think about what happened, and make decisions.¡±


    ?Decisions that can disadvantage him. Decisions that can hurt both of us.¡±


    ?You don¡¯t know that. You can¡¯t know what he¡¯ll decide. Actually, I¡¯m sure that no matter what Mark decides, it¡¯ll be for the good of both of you.¡±


    After that whisper, when she felt powerless and covered her face with both palms, Erin felt Alex hugging her. Then, he confidently told her, ?I won¡¯t allow this to happen, Erin. Don¡¯t worry! Just¡­ give him some time to be alone for a while. Give him some time to understand that his life will be deserted without you. Then, when he understands this truth and that his life is worthless without you, he¡¯ll be again that Mark we all know. He¡¯ll be that Mark we learned to love and respect, that Mark that has always been there for us, supporting us, leading our steps through the darkness when we didn¡¯t see the light. When this happens and when Mark is confident again, he¡¯ll make other plans for sure¡­ those with a single future for both of you. A safe future, Erin. A future with you.¡±

 CHAPTER 27: WE ARE FRIENDS BECAUSE OF THIS

    ?I¡¯d like you to keep Erin away from all this,¡± Mark told Alex, making this one wince.


    They were alone in the ward at that moment after they finally convinced Erin to go and have dinner. Nevertheless, they managed to convince Erin only after Alex promised her to stay with Mark all the time she¡¯d be missing and take care of him. Yet, besides helping his sister with that favor, Alex had one more reason to be alone with his friend: he wanted to make Mark talk about the night when he had the accident and if he saw the one who caused that tragedy because they couldn¡¯t find out the identity of that mysterious person. They could only find out that the accident happened with no mean intention, which was totally random. At least this was the conclusion the police got to after they realized that none of the hints related to the accident was leading them toward one of Flynn¡¯s enemies, who could have tried to kill him.


    Yet, Mark kept silent about that night. He didn¡¯t do that because he tried to cover the one who involuntarily hurt him but because he didn¡¯t want to remember the accident. That¡¯s why he pretended to be asleep when he understood that Alex was about to ask him more questions about that night. Before that, he told Alex that he wanted to sleep and be alone, a wish Alex wasn¡¯t that eager to respect because he didn¡¯t leave the ward eventually. All Doyle did was to keep silent. Even so, Mark had been grateful to his friend for this.


    Thus, both keeping silent, Mark had time to think. It¡¯s better to say that he had time to make a decision and that¡¯s why he asked Alex eventually to keep Erin away from him. ?The reason?¡± Doyle asked, after a few more moments of silence.


    ?Just¡­ I don¡¯t want to see her suffering,¡± whispered Flynn. ?I think she deserves more than to spend her life next to an invalid like me.¡±


    Staying with his back to Doyle at that moment, Mark didn¡¯t see his friend frowning. At the same time, he didn¡¯t understand that asking his best friend to do this made him upset. Doyle couldn¡¯t feel different when he had been against his sister¡¯s relationship with Flynn, aware that sooner or later Erin would suffer. Yet, this happened earlier than he thought. Even so, Doyle wasn¡¯t mad with Flynn, aware that he also suffered and that Mark couldn¡¯t do anything to avoid Erin¡¯s suffering. Alex was pretty sure of that, just as he was sure that if Mark was still alive, it was because he loved life and his sister. Yet, what Doyle couldn¡¯t understand was why Mark wanted to keep Erin away from him no matter what.


    ?Something I won¡¯t do though,¡± Alex replied shortly after this.


    Mark winced. Then, as he could, he moved in bed and carefully looked at Alex¡¯s face, which didn¡¯t reflect anything at that moment. Even so, Flynn was sure that all this was just a mask and that Alex wasn¡¯t calm. Mark was pretty sure that there was a storm in Doyle¡¯s soul because, each time Alex got to a crossroads or decided something about a thing, he looked like that: as though he was a calm beautiful sea, even with the storm in his soul.


    Flynn was right in thinking this because Alex definitely decided something: not to be part of his crazy plan. At the same time, Alex intended to impede his best friend to hurt Erin more because ?She really doesn¡¯t deserve that! My sister doesn¡¯t deserve to suffer more because of you!¡±


    ?I know,¡± whispered Mark. ?Yet, I have to! It¡¯s fair to do this!¡±


    ?For who?¡± Alex asked again, looking at his friend¡¯s eyes. ?For you or her, Flynn?¡±


    This ?Flynn¡± had been outlined with a sure but still nervous voice, something that let Mark understand that Alex had decided to scold him. Even so, he knew that Doyle was right in doing this because, for being stupid, he ventured on that mountain road that night at full speed. Even so, Mark couldn¡¯t reproach this to himself, just as he could only accept and bear up with the consequences because ?I¡¯ve already been punished and forced to face reality alone.¡±


    Alex frowned. ?Punished?¡±


    ?Yes. For everything I¡¯ve done in life, Alex. For all those people whom I¡¯ve made suffer, and because I haven¡¯t been able to be as they wanted. Something I¡¯m sure I¡¯ll do now too: disappointing others because, Alex, I¡¯m not sure that I¡¯ll be able to get out of this bed and walk again, just as I¡¯m sure I¡¯ll force Erin to stay with me and be unhappy because¡­ I can¡¯t make her happy when I¡¯m an invalid. I¡¯m not talking about my physical incapacity, Alex, but about the soul one. I¡¯m really limping inside and you know why.¡±


    Alex said nothing, for a long time. He only turned his back to Mark and looked at the night that was lurking on them through the window, eager to listen to their secrets and whispers. And, for an unknown reason, Alex started to be afraid of that night, which reminded him of sadness and loneliness, a night that he so suddenly started to hate although he feared it so much.


    The reason? Lucas Murphy and his departure to Syria as a war correspondent. Yes, the ?poet¡± had been the trigger that set off the bomb in Doyle¡¯s soul. That bomb not only exploded inside him, but it also made him unable to think logically anymore as it had happened so many times before.


    Not only Murphy¡¯s departure to Syria made Doyle think about his life but also Mark¡¯s accident. It¡¯s when he understood that it was time to change himself and do something. What exactly should he change or do? Alex still didn¡¯t know. Yet, he intended to find out no matter what. Then, he intended to follow that plan up to the end as it had happened when he named himself a hopeless romantic and he¡¯d been one for decades.


    Even so, despite this concern from his soul, Alex knew one thing: that his friends were everything to him. His friends were his brothers, his companions in that battle with their souls¡­ companions who fought hard every day with all the difficulties life put in front of them. They fought those fights together, as it had always happened before. That¡¯s why, realizing that this truth was still there for all of them, Alex approached the bed eventually, pulled the chair closer to it, and sat down. Then, he held Mark¡¯s hand and, looking straight into his eyes, he asked, ?What about us, Mark?¡±


    Flynn frowned. ?Us? What do you mean now?¡±


    ?Our friendship! Those truths that are known only by us! All those times we stood up together, although the whole world wanted to trample us, those times when we knew that it wasn¡¯t easy.¡±


    ?I know those times, Alex! Still, we can¡¯t compare them with what happens now.¡±


    ?Just mathematics!¡± Alex replied, smiling. ?Theorems and ideas only. Nothing complicated or out of options. No, there aren¡¯t situations out of options, Mark. They aren¡¯t, not when you aren¡¯t alone, and you aren¡¯t. You haven¡¯t ever been alone and you know that because¡­ we are friends for this, right?¡±


    Mark said nothing after this. He just smiled. He sadly smiled because he hadn¡¯t ever thought about this: that he hadn¡¯t ever been alone. On the contrary, he felt lonely so many times before, even when he was surrounded by people. He often felt sad, even when he was smiling. Yet, he hadn¡¯t ever shown this to others and he did that because the only thing he would have received back was people¡¯s mercy and nothing more. However¡­ ?What if it¡¯s nothing like that?¡±


    Mark asked this last question to himself. He thought about this only, somehow afraid to hear the answer he didn¡¯t want to hear. What he wanted to hear was ?You haven¡¯t ever been wrong, Flynn. You have been lonely in this world.¡± Yet¡­ reality seemed to be another one. It couldn¡¯t be different while Alex and the rest of his friends had been there for him when he needed that. Yes, Mark hadn¡¯t often remembered this because he¡¯d been more focused on his pain, something that was an illusion, just as it had been the idea that he didn¡¯t have friends. He really had friends. He had all those who cared about him, all those who weren¡¯t next to him only to serve a cup of tea or a whisky with him in good times but also to hold his hand in difficult times, friends who were ready to help him get out of the bottomless chasm where he¡¯d fallen just to see Flynn smiling again.


    ***


    While Alex and Mark kept silent and then talked about their opinion related to Flynn¡¯s situation, Erin silently stood next to the door. Her eyes were bathed by tears and pain held her into its arms. The reason? That ?I¡¯d like you to keep Erin away from me,¡± told by Flynn? No. She felt all that because she realized that she wasn¡¯t enough for Mark at that moment. Yes, she really wasn¡¯t enough to make him happy, not while only having her with him. Erin also felt all this because he didn¡¯t seem calm and confident about the future spent together. That¡¯s why her eyes shed tears all the time they talked, thinking about one thing, ?What should I do next?¡±


    Erin winced eventually when Alex left the ward and looked at her in amazement because he didn¡¯t expect to find her there. Alex was also amazed to realize that he didn¡¯t understand that his sister had been there all that time and he didn¡¯t hear her footsteps approaching the ward. Even so, he didn¡¯t say anything about this. All Alex did was to hold his sister to his chest and Erin to allow him to comfort her with caresses and with that pleasant melody of his heart, something she clearly heard in her right ear while having her eyes closed and her arms wrapped around him.


    Stolen novel; please report.


    She felt calm in his arms and Erin didn¡¯t understand why. Was it because of the safety Alex had often given to her? She wasn¡¯t that sure. Was it because of what Flynn said? Erin also didn¡¯t know that. All she knew was that she felt a strange calmness in her soul - something people generally feel after a long time of pain in their souls and storm, a calmness she¡¯d been missing all that time.


    Yes, Erin Doyle missed to feel all this so much. She missed feeling like a woman and hopeless. Not even she knew why she felt all that, but she still wanted that: not to think about anything, not to bother herself with finding solutions to complicated problems, or fight to get to the shore. All Erin wanted was to live in the arms of love. She wanted to be a woman, even if it had been for a short time only because happiness was something deeply hidden in her soul and it would have been like that for a long time. That¡¯s why Erin felt so good at that moment, realizing that she could count on someone, that Alex was there and supported her in everything, and Erin felt all that even if she knew that Alex had been always there for her.


    At least, Alex hadn¡¯t ever physically missed from next to Erin. He also helped her with important projects, which they developed together. Yet, when she¡¯d been forced to face the packs of savage dogs, those packs of hungry wolves and hyenas to make sure their plans would be finished, she¡¯d always been alone. That¡¯s why she had always felt alone, although Erin had often been surrounded by people. She felt all that because she¡¯d been afraid of one thing: to ask for help.


    ?As it seems that Mark has been feeling all this time.¡±


    ?What do you mean?¡± Alex asked her, confused.


    ?His fears and the fact that he feels inferior and unworthy to have me with him. That¡¯s why he asked you to keep me away from him, right?¡± Alex wanted to say something, but Erin didn¡¯t let him. She, putting her index finger on his lips, told him while shaking her head, ?I don¡¯t blame him, you know?! I understand how hard it is for him to fight alone just because he didn¡¯t dare to ask for help from others.¡±


    ?Then? What will you do, Erin? What will you do now when you know what he wants? Will you leave?¡±


    Erin kept silent. Then, shrugging, she said, ?Honestly, I don¡¯t know what will make him happy. I don¡¯t know.¡±


    ?I do know,¡± Alex confidently replied, making her look at him in amazement. He, instead, caressing her hair and holding her to his chest again, calmly told her this time, ?Not loneliness, Erin. Not this will make Mark happy and move on or trust people, but those people who will stay with him.¡±


    ?Are you talking about us now?¡±


    ?Not only about us. I¡¯m talking about all those we¡¯ll meet later and will give us a hand in hard times because¡­ nobody is lonely in this world, Erin. Yes, nobody is alone, not as long as there are still people in this world and friends, in particular.¡±


    ?Still, we are lonely, you know.¡± Alex looked at her, confused. ?We are alone in front of love! We are more alone when we are far away from it.¡±


    Alex smiled. ?I know what you are thinking about, Erin, but it¡¯s not the right time. It¡¯s not the right time because Mark is important now and not the rest.¡±


    ?I think the opposite, Alex. I think that, before supporting others, you need someone to support you. You need her, Alex. You need her so much.¡±


    Looking at his lips, Erin saw him whispering ?Kate,¡± a whisper she still didn¡¯t hear eventually. Yet, she knew whom her brother was thinking about at that moment, just as she knew for whom exactly he built a castle in his heart and whom he was waiting for at that moment. Yet, he was afraid: of people, of prejudice, to be rejected again, and that he wouldn¡¯t be good enough to be with the one he needed so much.


    Even so, even if both of them knew who Alex needed at that moment, none of the two siblings whispered that name loudly. They only held each other into their arms and gave time the right to decide. At the same time, they gave time to their hearts to heal, receiving calmness and love in their arms¡­ for an entire life maybe, or¡­ maybe forever.


    ***


    The conversation she had that night with Erin in the hospital¡¯s park, made Kate think so much about her life. In particular, she got to analyze her decisions, mistakes, and all the ways she followed in time. Nevertheless, she found nothing wrong or regretted it, and Kate did that because she knew that all those were experiences and lessons she learned, lessons that made her stronger and helped her to stand up and proudly walk through life.


    Yet, all these lessons hid a big truth from the rest of the world: the fact that she got to feel more lonely each time she learned a lesson. She became stronger after each defeat, it was also true. Nevertheless, she was so lonely. Then, she wanted more and more, even if she didn¡¯t know what she wanted. Even so, she knew she wanted that so much, just as she knew that she wanted to change herself. Yet, life - as stubborn as Kate - didn¡¯t allow her that, but it had always whispered into Kate¡¯s ear, ?This is a truth you can¡¯t hide from, and you know that.¡±


    Not only did life get to whisper this truth into Kate¡¯s ear - that she was alone and that she was still with Jonathan - but also Esther. Yes, Ward¡¯s mother got to whisper into Kate¡¯s ear more often lately that she couldn¡¯t abandon Jonathan and that she had to resist because everything would have changed once they had gotten married and had had a child. Yet, what Esther Ward didn¡¯t know or deliberately ignored was the fact that maybe this wasn¡¯t what Kate wanted from life and from that relationship, in particular. However, once she didn¡¯t dare to speak loudly about her wishes, at least not at that moment, Kate had as always chosen cowardice and made wedding plans.


    Well, it¡¯s better to say that who started to make wedding plans was Esther, who informed Kate daily about what she managed to plan for the big event. She told Kate that she had already chosen the place for the party, a place really big because the guest list was long once the Wards were important people and with a lot of personal and business relationships. Also, Esther mentioned that she had chosen the church where Kate and Jonathan had to get married and that all Kate should do was choose her wedding dress and send her guest list to Esther. Something Kate didn¡¯t rush to do, even if she also didn¡¯t understand why she did that.


    No, Kate knew that reason: distrust. She also didn¡¯t trust Jonathan or herself, just as she wasn¡¯t sure that both of them weren¡¯t committed anymore to involve themselves completely in that relationship and make it work. Nothing unexpected, once they got to stay away from each other, especially in the last few days after she returned from the hospital and had another argument with Ward related to a trivial thing. It¡¯s when Ward put a few things into a small bag and told her that he¡¯d sleep at the office for a few days because she was really insufferable lately.


    When the door closed behind him, Kate smiled. ?Insufferable? Yes, maybe I am because I can¡¯t be different when I¡¯m not happy. I really can¡¯t do that when others try to decide my life.¡±


    She hated it. Kate got to hate when others were trying to decide her life. Especially, she felt that for Esther, who got to be involved actively in their relationship and prepare for their wedding. Nevertheless, Kate knew that her hatred had nothing to do with that wedding, something she dreamt of for so long or planned alone, but the fact that someone else again decided something instead of her. Before that, her parents had been the ones who decided for her. Then, it¡¯s been Jonathan or others, for Esther to be eventually the one who tried to control Kate¡¯s life, someone with whom Kate had always had a cold relationship. It¡¯s why Kate started to hate Esther when this one wanted to plan every single detail of her life after the wedding. One of these things was the fact that Esther got to mention more often lately that she wanted a grandson. That¡¯s why Kate came to avoid answering her ?future mother-in-law¡¯s¡± phone calls. Yet, when she saw that Esther insisted, after dozens of lost calls, Kate deeply breathed in to prepare for another long ?lesson for life and what she should do to keep her man with her,¡± because Esther was ?proud¡± of her perfect relationship and marriage that lasted about four decades.


    Nevertheless, everybody knew that Esther¡¯s marriage wasn¡¯t that perfect. Esther¡¯s husband had cheated on her so many times before, just as she had cheated on him. This was a secret on everybody¡¯s lips. Yet, this was still an ignored truth because nobody ever had dared to talk to Mrs. Ward openly about this. That¡¯s why Esther allowed herself the luxury to recommend to Kate her life insistently, as though she was trying to tell Kate, ?Your husband cheats on you, so what? Do the same. Or¡­ be blind and move on because you are his wife eventually while she¡¯ll always be the mistress.¡±


    Kate didn¡¯t want this though. She didn¡¯t want to be ?the other one¡± in their relationship because even if she had always been the ?official girlfriend,¡± other women had always had better privileges than she had. Yes, the others had always been ?loved and respected¡± while she¡¯d been demeaned, betrayed, left alone and on her own. She stopped feeling all this though once she met Alex and made new friends.


    At the same time, Kate started to fear something - freedom. She was afraid like hell to make decisions on her own or live her life at her will, and she felt all this because she always wondered ?What would people think about me?¡± Such words had always resounded in her head - her mother¡¯s words. ?Lessons¡± that she had been taught all those years, which she couldn¡¯t ever get rid of.


    Even so, with all the fear in her soul, Kate got to think about this more often lately. She thought about what her life would be if she had started to breathe with all her chest - like the seagulls above the foamy sea, whom she had often seen freely flying above the sea each time she¡¯d been on the terrace of the coffee shop ?Dreams.¡± Seagulls that she started to consider as being her friends - her soul friends, which hadn¡¯t ever betrayed her, especially at that moment when she was at a crossroads and had such a bad time.


    Eventually, lying in bed and with the book ?forgotten¡± on her lap, Kate closed her eyes and smiled. What made her smile? Her friends from above, those friends that pleasantly danced in the rhythm of the sea waves while her heart was shyly resting on the chest of the man she silently loved¡­ from far away.


    On the same bed, also forgotten but on the pillow at this time, the invitation to the annual dinner party was, a party organized by the City Hall of Westport for the important people in town. A dinner to which Jonathan had also been invited and she was invited with him, even if it¡¯s been ?a forced invitation¡± because it was a party of couples. A reunion where she had still liked to go because she hoped to see Him again, once she knew that Alex was someone important in Westport. Yet¡­ ?I might not be that lucky - to see him for the last time before choosing the life I would have undoubtedly wanted to have with him.¡±


    Kate was sure she wouldn¡¯t see Alex at that dinner. He wouldn¡¯t be there because Kate knew that he hated crowded places and that she¡¯d be there too. Yes, Alex knew for sure that she had also been invited to that party. That¡¯s why he would have done everything to stay away from her. Yet, those ?What if¡± and ?Maybe¡± didn¡¯t leave Kate freely breathing. On the contrary, they made her eagerly want to pass those few days that remained until the party and see ?Him again, the one I¡¯ve always missed and the one I¡¯ll miss forever.¡±

 CHAPTER 28: THE DREAM

    That night, the thoughts had been with Kate for a long time. There were thoughts about her life, ideals, unfulfilled dreams, and loneliness in particular. Yes, all her thoughts had been about loneliness that had always been with Kate, holding her hand even when a man held it. Thus, loneliness hadn¡¯t ever allowed Kate to feel the warmth of someone¡¯s skin on her skin or the warmth of a soul that longed for another one. At the same time, those were thoughts about her cowardice and about the fact that she hadn¡¯t ever allowed herself to be happy, not even when she¡¯d been alone.


    Kate knew very well the reason for that cowardice. She found it out when she was still very young and when only the classical music, the dance, and herself accompanied her. It¡¯s when she asked herself for the first time the question, ?Who am I, and why is there nobody with me?¡± Questions she found an answer from her mother when she told Kate¡¯s father one evening, ?She should better live this way: alone and on her own. Thus, she won¡¯t do stupid things.¡±


    When she heard these words, tears had bathed Kate¡¯s eyes. Those were tears that were born in Kate¡¯s soul not because of pain but because of release, because she thought her parents ignored her because they didn¡¯t care about her. They really cared about her, even if they strangely did that. At the same time, they loved her as much as they could. Even so, none of them hadn¡¯t ever managed to give Kate what she really wanted: a family, one next to which she could spend those cold nights or those stormy days, which she had been fearing for her entire life. Kate feared those stormy days because they reminded her of her powerlessness and loneliness.


    Nevertheless, she didn¡¯t have the family she wanted. At least, Kate didn¡¯t have that family with whom she could talk for hours about trivial subjects just to make sure they¡¯d have a reason to smile or talk about after that. At the same time, she didn¡¯t have memories of a happy childhood. What kind of memories did she have? About a lonely childhood, which she spent between four walls - the walls of her room where an old gramophone played Bach or Beethoven¡¯s music, Tchaikovsky or Liszt¡¯s music.


    Actually, Kate finally fell asleep that night listening to the same classical music. It¡¯s been the only way she could cut the thread of her twisted thoughts that overwhelmed her so much. A music that slowly but surely filled her inside and made her dream eventually. Music that made her, even if it¡¯s been for a short time only, forget about her problems and madness, hiding from herself in her own mind - in a perfect world where she could be the real Kate, the one that was free and happy like the birds from above the sea.


    In that dream, Kate danced through the raindrops. She was free, breathing with all her chest the scent of that light and warm summer rain. Kate wasn¡¯t in Dublin or Belfast, her hometown, in that dream but in Westport - at the docks, where she experienced the breakup with Alex, even if they hadn¡¯t ever been together. There, with the seagulls dancing above the waves, Kate finally felt life¡¯s joy and the fact that loneliness doesn¡¯t always mean pain but simply a way of making peace with yourself.


    Soon after this, she saw herself advancing barefoot through the fresh herbs that got up to her ankles. She wore a white dress in that dream, a dress with ornaments of the same color, which got up to her knees with two thin braces that made her naked shoulders seem so gentle. Her shoulders were really gentle at that moment, kissed by someone¡¯s lips. Who exactly kissed her shoulders? Kate didn¡¯t see. She only felt that that man was someone her soul knew, someone whom her soul had been longing for so long.


    ?He¡¯s the man I¡¯ve been in love with for so long, even if I haven¡¯t ever realized that,¡± Kate told herself in that dream, closing her eyes for a few moments and sticking her forehead on the top of his head. And that almost blond hair, which touched her cheek, was so pleasantly smelling like sky and summer rain, happiness, and soul warmth¡­ an aroma that Kate had often felt in her dreams and about which he¡¯d been thinking for so long.


    Honestly, Kate didn¡¯t find such an aroma in the men whom she dated before Jonathan. She didn¡¯t find it in Ward either, although she loved him so much. Even so, she hadn¡¯t ever been pretending when she said that she loved him because she really loved him. If not, she wouldn¡¯t have given him years of her life and wouldn¡¯t have waited for him for so long to turn back to her, just as she wouldn¡¯t have forgiven his repeated betrayals and long nights and evenings of loneliness.


    Frankly speaking, Kate could forgive all this because she¡¯d been happy. Did she feel all this because of Ward¡¯s betrayal? Undoubtedly not. She did that because she was really happy in those evenings when she was alone and could dream about the man her heart had always longed for. ?A blond man with blue eyes like the sky. A free soul, one so similar to the seagulls. And¡­ yes, I wish I had been the water of the calm sea, above which the seagulls always fly toward the limitless horizon.¡±


    This new thought of happiness made Kate smile again. She was sitting on a white rocking chair at that moment - a wooden chair that had been ?forgotten¡± on an open field, surrounded by green grass from all over. All around that chair, immortality was also seen - one that had the form of the blades of fresh grass, which were so pleasantly dancing with the wind. Here and there, through the blades of grass and longing, blue or purple heads were seen - the heads of the shy flowers that were hidden there from the kind kiss of the sun. Even so, hidden there, they were eagerly waiting for the yellow sun to rise proudly in the sky and caress them with its golden rays, with that secret love that only a kind sun can keep in its soul - the love for everything that¡¯s on earth.


    Just as the flowers were enjoying the kiss of the sun, Kate was doing. She had her eyes closed at that moment and her head laying on the right shoulder of the man who stood by her. She didn¡¯t see his face, not even this time. Even so, Kate knew who was with her. She felt it with her soul and in her heart that desperately yelled at her, ?He¡¯s love.¡± One love that wore a white shirt at that moment and jeans short pants that got up to his knees. He was also barefoot, just as Kate was, seeming that he also loved freedom, the kiss of the fresh grass and the flowers of longing¡­ Those flowers that were hiding in the herbs¡¯soul like all those dreams hidden among thoughts and ideals about people, about the world, about the past, or about what was coming.


    Yet, all of sudden, Kate felt another pleasant aroma there, something that didn¡¯t belong to those places - the coffee smell. Yes, it was impossible to feel the smell of coffee on an open field. All she should have felt there was the smell of rain, herbs, and flowers, just as she should feel the kiss of the sun from above and the glance of the blue sky that headed toward new horizons focused on her. Even so, Kate deeply felt that intense smell of fresh coffee and books. ?A smell I¡¯ve felt so many times before at him¡­ even when I¡¯ve been away from him and his coffee shop.¡±


    Opening her eyes, Kate saw that she was alone there. She was sitting at the border of two parallel worlds - on the bed, in her hotel room, and on that white rocking chair. Where did her love vanish? She wasn¡¯t sure. She only felt her heart strangely beating in her chest and, all of sudden, she started to fear and long for something more or for someone.


    ?Whom I¡¯m longing for?¡± Kate suddenly wondered, covering her face and touching the bedding with her forehead. ?Whom I miss so much? Who is my heart so stubbornly waiting for? Who? I can¡¯t understand because¡­ I don¡¯t understand myself for so long, just as I stopped understanding others.¡±


    Kate was right in thinking this. She felt betrayed so many times before: by the world and by herself that she started feeling weird and that she didn¡¯t know where she was coming from or where she was heading at that moment. At the same time, it was nothing strange for her to have such dreams because, you see, her heart was longing for love. Her whole body dreamt of happiness in someone¡¯s arms. She wanted to feel the aroma of that one whom she¡¯d been waiting for so long. She wanted to feel his warmth when he¡¯d hold her to his chest and she¡¯d done the same. She wanted to stay for hours in his arms, eyes closed, in front of the fireplace and deeply breathing in the ?Fresh scent of coffee.¡±


    When she opened her eyes again, Kate smiled. She sadly smiled, her eyes bathed with tears. Two black eyes that seemed like two black grape berries, which were tightly held in the arms of the morning dew in which the sun mirrored its face. Yet, the sun had a face this time - of the man from her dreams, the one whose face she hadn¡¯t ever seen, but whom she could see at that moment. She could see his face only with her soul while her eyes watched his back while he was moving away from her, advancing through the fresh grass that was bathed by tears - by the tears of the sky and by dewdrops and longing.


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    Even so, Kate didn¡¯t say his name loudly. She didn¡¯t do that because she knew that it wasn¡¯t fair to say loudly the name of her happiness. She could only smile and wish him happiness. She could only dream of him because she didn¡¯t know how to bring him back to her. Kate didn¡¯t know how to catch up with him and spend an entire life with him in a world projected by those shy dreams she¡¯d been having all those years.


    ***


    The glass with red wine, forgotten on the small table in front of the fireplace, perfectly reflected the dance of the flames. A glass that was only half-filled, which had the same color as the wooden around which the flames danced in the fireplace - beech logs that filled the cottage Doyle with an alive aroma. At the window, the raindrops were heard dancing on the glass, although it was winter and it should have been snowing. Along with the rain, the wind was acting up at that moment, a cunning wind that masked its voice to seem the one of the Northern wind, although it was pretty clear that they had no common feature. It was a winter game instead, which made Alex smile eventually.


    Then, the man sighed. He closed his eyes and leaned on the back of the armchair with a wooden back, on which a soft pillow was also stuck. At his feet, a woolen blanket was seen, a blanket that had been manually woven by his mother and which Alex loved to have with him each time the Northern wind was heard acting up by the window. Yet, that evening, he seemed to have completely forgotten about the blanket because, the moment the blanket fell off his knees and took with it the book he had on his lap at that moment, Alex didn¡¯t feel it.


    He returned to the cottage about three hours ago, after Erin had insisted on him to do that because at least one of them should have gone home and had some rest. Alex would have liked Erin to go home and have some time only for her. Yet, she was stubborn and Alex couldn¡¯t convince her to leave the hospital for a few hours. That¡¯s why he decided not to upset her anymore and he eventually left the hospital. He didn¡¯t go to his small apartment above the coffee shop ?Aisling¡± though but returned to the cottage.


    Why exactly did Alex return to the cottage that night? Because of the longing in his chest, a longing that spurred him to spend the evening there. Alex didn¡¯t know the reason for that longing. Still, he listened to it eventually. Thus, returning to the cottage, he ignited the fire in the fireplace, poured some wine in his glass, took a book from one of the bookshelves, and sat on the old wooden armchair that had been in the cottage for years. Actually, Alex was sitting on that armchair for years, each time the Doyles decided to spend their holidays in the cottage from the mountains. There, Alex found his happiness and peace, not dreaming of something but just being among the book¡¯s pages. Yet, that night, he couldn¡¯t do the same. That night, he only allowed the longing in his soul and sadness to take over him, something that made him feel so lonely and forgotten by the world, something he loved so much in the past but still something he was so afraid of at that moment.


    Yes, Alex was so afraid of loneliness at that moment. He was afraid of it because all this reminded him of her. All this reminded him of Kate, just as it reminded him of the kiss at the docks that he couldn¡¯t forget, a kiss that pleasantly burnt his heart that evening - one that he would have liked to continue after that. Yet, all this remained only a dream, plans for the future, or simple wishes.


    How not to feel all this when he knew very well that Kate returned to Ward and that they had wedding plans? He found out this by pure chance from a mutual acquaintance he had with Jonathan. Such news confused him so much, even if he¡¯d suspected this from that day when he met her at the docks and Kate told him such weird words, letting him understand that she couldn¡¯t give up on that relationship she¡¯d been building for years. Yet, even if he suspected this, it didn¡¯t mean it didn¡¯t hurt him to know her in someone else¡¯s arms. All this hurt like hell. Even so, even if he hated the thought of not having her with him, Alex was still a coward and didn¡¯t do anything to bring her back to him.


    Did he regret all that? Alex wasn¡¯t sure! Actually, he was because¡­ on one hand, he regretted that Kate had chosen that Worthy Rival and not him. On the other side though, he was calm because, all that time he¡¯d spent with Kate, he started to dream of her, even if he knew that Kate wasn¡¯t his. Yes, he could have made her his, could have taken her from the other one, and could have made her happy. Yet, ?What about a man¡¯s dignity?¡± He kept wondering after this. ?What about the quote that ?Don¡¯t harm someone if you don¡¯t want to be harmed?¡± And yes, Alex couldn¡¯t take someone¡¯s woman just because he suffered the same in the past when another man had stolen from him the woman he cared about more than his life.


    The regret though, the one that sneaked into his soul eventually, bothered him so much. It was a regret about his happiness and selfishness. At the same time, those were thoughts about longing, a lonely life, and agony. He couldn¡¯t not think about this when he knew himself so well. Yes, he really knew who he was and realized very well that once he let Kate go, after he¡¯d fallen for her like a teenager, he couldn¡¯t be happy anymore. The reason? His stubborn heart that could love only one woman for his entire life. Yes, Alex intended to love Kate for his entire life because he was like that. He would have loved her forever because they didn¡¯t tie their lives and souls, fully lived their love, and suffered delusions because of each other - something that could have hurt them. If this had happened, it would have undoubtedly been easier for him to forget her. He would have undoubtedly found another muse eventually. Yet, Kate didn¡¯t hurt him and he also didn¡¯t do that. At least, they didn¡¯t hurt each other because of betrayal or bad words. They had just given up on each other, hoping to make the other one happy even if they left each other so alone¡­


    Yet, soon after this, those thoughts of hidden ?sincerity¡± made Alex regret. They made him so miserable because he understood that he harmed himself eventually - he did that when he tried to avoid hurting another man, but injured himself so badly. He tried to make her happy, even if it was with the one she¡¯d chosen and even if he was unhappy. It¡¯s better to say that he was hurt - by his sincerity and by his dignity, something that had always been the cause for his difficult moments and failures before and something that hadn¡¯t ever given him the chance to be himself and free. Why exactly? Because he¡¯d lost in front of love so many times before. He lost happiness when it knocked on his door. Why? Because he¡¯d been stupid and had always fallen in love with a woman who couldn¡¯t make him happy.


    Probably because of this, Alex hadn¡¯t ever fought for something or someone before. He did that because he knew that the other women, in whose eyes he¡¯d seen the beauty of the world, weren¡¯t what his heart sought. He didn¡¯t fight even when he felt that it would have been better if he¡¯d done that. Then, he got used to the thought of loneliness and loving someone only from far away. Probably because of this, it¡¯s been so easy for him to let Kate go, even if he knew that it was different that time and that she wasn¡¯t just another woman whom his heart loved, but someone with whom he¡¯d been in love with, for his entire life.


    Yet, it wasn¡¯t enough. Yes, his love wasn¡¯t enough to make Alex fight for what he loved. He was too used to love from the shadows to come out eventually. He was too used to others fighting for him to do the same for someone else. Was he a coward? Undoubtedly no. Alex was just¡­ afraid of happiness and sadness at the same time. He was afraid to suffer again because of a new abandonment and delusion. That¡¯s why the man preferred to let her go while he still could do that. If he had waited for more and if she had left after that, Alex was sure that he wouldn¡¯t have been able to stand up again¡­ Like a wingless bird that wishes to rise to the sun again, even if she has forbidden to think about freedom.


    Such thought filled his eyes with tears and his chest with longing. It put sadness in his arms again, even if he was lonely. Alex was so lonely at that moment, he also knew that very well. He also knew that he couldn¡¯t do anything to get rid of it, at least not at that moment. Why? Because¡­ he was a coward and didn¡¯t know how to fight against the whole world for his divine right to be happy.


    Eventually, holding the pillow to his chest, Alex fell asleep in that old armchair. His eyelashes were wet because of the tears that were stubborn to wash the retina even when he was asleep. Yet, those were still beautiful tears, something that made him look so handsome, somehow bathed by a secret light - the one of forgotten happiness, of dreams that he left behind a long time ago, dreams that he still kept inside because his love was stubborn and wanted to follow him everywhere. Yes, love was still there, even if Alex seemed to have forgotten about it. He seemed to be alone, but he wasn¡¯t. No, Alex wasn¡¯t alone at that moment when he felt the presence of love from everywhere, a feeling he¡¯d been feeling with him for his entire life.


    In his sleep, Alex dreamt of happiness again. It held his hand while they walked side by side on an open field. They were both barefoot, with the green grass secretly kissing their soles and making them smile all the time. On their shoulders, they wore white clothes: he - a white shirt with long sleeves, which he had rolled up to his elbows, while she wore a white knee-deep dress. In her hair¡­ she had a violet flower - a flower that belonged to dreams, a flower of longing. A flower that his blue eyes clearly saw at that moment, eyes that were secretly smiling because that flower had something similar to his glance and her perfume - that secret perfume that made his chest yell at that moment, ?Smile, Alex because this is a dream that it¡¯s meant to happen one day.¡±

 CHAPTER 29: A TRAMPLED HEART

    The party hall was crowded that evening. Silhouettes of women wearing elegant dresses, of different colors, and men wearing suits were seen everywhere, making that romantic atmosphere feel more intense that night. Somewhere in a corner, a young woman wearing a white evening gown was delicately touching the piano keys, perfectly and rhythmically following the notes of the jazz music that was played by a street group that had been invited there that night by the organizers of the annual event of Westport. A piece of music so beautifully played by them but so few listened by the other guests, who were more focused on their talks with important people, who they hadn¡¯t seen for a long time or with those they had just met there, important people with whom they intended to have a relationship for a very long time.


    A lot of couples were seen that evening at the dinner party. Couples that seemed to be happy and this was clearly seen in the large smiles sketched on their faces. It was also seen at the gentlemen¡¯s hands, which were so delicately touching the back of their partners, who looked gorgeous in their long evening dresses that perfectly outlined their appetizing silhouettes. Thus, touching the backs of their partners, the gentlemen let other men know that they had been forbidden to conquer those women¡¯s hearts. At the same time, the ladies¡¯hands were shyly sneaking beside the men¡¯s arms, looking not only for support and comfort but also to be seen by other women that they were accompanied by a worthy man and that they were happy.


    Looking at all this, from the threshold of the door, because he¡¯d just entered the dinner hall, Alex smiled. ?Such a weird atmosphere is felt here. Yes, it undoubtedly feels strange, even if this evening has nothing special.¡± Then, somehow shyly because he didn¡¯t feel comfortable being at such parties, Alex made a sign to one of the waiters, who approached him eventually. And, taking one champagne glass in his hand, Alex forced a smile, letting the other one know that he was grateful for the service.


    All these weren¡¯t new or unusual to Doyle. Yet, they weren¡¯t something specific to him or something he liked or parties he was often frequenting. No, undoubtedly all this wasn¡¯t something he liked because he didn¡¯t feel comfortable in crowded places, surrounded by people or asked questions when all he wanted was to be alone in some corner and, with a glass of wine or champagne in his hand, to look on the sly at others¡¯love and happiness.


    Yet, he was forced to act differently that night because Erin asked him to be there on her behalf. Erin asked him this that morning when she summoned him to the hospital and she told him that he must be at that dinner party on her behalf while she had to be with Mark. She did that even if it was a known thing that Flynn wasn¡¯t a patient who needed someone with him 24/7. No, it wasn¡¯t anything like that. Even so, Erin preferred to be with him and told her brother that it wasn¡¯t the perfect time for her to have some fun while her heart was still bleeding after all that happened to Mark, who still suffered. And, knowing all this, Erin preferred to send Alex to that party in her place.


    ?Do I have to be there no matter what?¡± Alex asked her, frowning, seeing that avoiding going to that party wasn¡¯t something he could do.


    ?Of course, you have to be there,¡± Erin rushed to answer, sipping from her coffee because after Alex showed up at the hospital, both siblings went to have breakfast. It¡¯s when she told him about the dinner party. ?You know very well how important such events are for our company.¡±


    ?Of course, I know. Yet, you are usually going to such events. Plus, you know that I hate crowded places and such ?sweet¡± evenings when you have to smile at everybody and show them that you have a great time when it¡¯s nothing like that.¡±


    Erin smiled. ?Yet, I¡¯m sure that this night will be special.¡±


    ?The reason?¡±


    ?Just¡­ a hunch,¡± she replied in a cunning voice. ?I will rather call it a pleasant thought that I have, one that I¡¯m sure will delight you too.¡±


    What his sister tried to tell him that morning wasn¡¯t something Alex understood very well. Even so, he didn¡¯t ask for more details. Doyle only frowned when he saw her smiling. Then, he reproachfully shook his head, finding Erin weird lately, and sipped from his coffee. He didn¡¯t say anything, not even after that: neither that he accept to go to the party in her place nor anything else, although he thought that Erin wanted to ask him about something else. What about? Undoubtedly about Kate.


    Alex sighed. Yes, he did that, just as he was doing each time he thought about her, at least this happened to him lately. After that, he looked at his glass, slowly rotating the champagne on the crystal wall of it. He liked it: the man madly liked the delicate touch of the champagne on the crystal wall of the glass, something that reminded him of a kiss - one stolen from him that day at the docks.


    Then, he sipped from his champagne and smiled. Not even he understood why he smiled but he still did that. After that, raising his glance, he looked in front, trying to see at least one familiar face or someone he could approach and have a talk. Alex did that, finding it weird to be there and do nothing when the atmosphere of the night was still a vivid one.


    Instead of a familiar face, the man saw a silhouette. It was the beautiful outlined silhouette of a woman, who wore a black dress that night. She was standing in front of the window at that moment, looking into the distance, while the delicate fingers of her right hand were so gently dancing around the glass of red wine she was squeezing in her hand.


    The red color of the liquid from the glass, something that reminded him of blood, made Alex attentive eventually. At the same time, he became attentive because of her delicate fingers, which were as white as the milk, with red painted nails that seemed to have stolen the color of the wine. Nails that weren¡¯t either long or short. Yet, they were so gently touching the wall of the glass, making a pleasant sound. At least this was what Alex thought: that the noise produced by those nails was a pleasant one, although he didn¡¯t hear it from where he was.


    Even so, Alex caught himself smiling. It was not probably because of those red nails or of her delicate fingers but because of their perfect combination with the wine from that glass and with that black dress, which was so pleasantly shining in the light of the room. A dress that was a perfectly form-fitting one, touching the ground with its bottom, and having two thin braces wrapped around her delicate shoulders to keep the balance of the dress.


    And, oh¡­ those shoulders fascinated Doyle that night. Their perfection fascinated him, their white marble charmed him, even if the skin of that woman had a healthy color - the one of the perfect ripe peaches. Nevertheless, they looked so white that night, and this undoubtedly was because of the cold light of that room, which suddenly turned on when the musical band started another song, inviting the couples to the dance floor this way.


    At the same time, that music seemed to spur others to dream. Especially, the melody spurred Alex to feel more than he felt by then - fascination and longing. Why exactly longing? Because of that young woman¡¯s hair that fell in perfect waves down her back, curls that were the color of ripe chestnuts, a hair he¡¯d seen so many times before and which he fell in love with on that rainy day, seeing it at ?Kate.¡±


    His own whisper made Alex wince. Yes, he undoubtedly winced because of her. Who was standing in front of the window and looking into the distance was Kate. She looked so beautiful at that moment, standing with her back to him, perfectly outlining the beauty of her body while wearing that black dress, which she chose for the dinner. That one was a perfect dress, in fact. She heard the other ladies talking about it when she entered the room, ladies that said that she made the best choice wearing it that night, just as those women praised her for being accompanied by a handsome man that night, not knowing that, soon after this, she¡¯d be left again alone.


    Such words made Alex look at those ladies for a while. He insistently looked at them, trying to understand whom they were talking about. None of them saw him looking at them but focused their attention on their talk, speaking about another lady this time, one that wore a red dress and had blond hair, a woman who passed in front of them at that moment, heading toward a group of men.


    Looking at the same group, Alex finally recognized Ward among those men. This made him frown. Yes, he frowned because Jonathan seemed too focused on the conversation he had with the other gentlemen and that he had forgotten about Kate, whom he left alone that night when he should have kept her close to him, been proud of her, and bragged about her because she was really beautiful that night. Ward had to do that at that dinner party, once Kate was about to be his wife. He should have done that no matter what and not allowed anybody to approach her even for a second, just as Alex was sure that Ward should have left that group of men and approached Kate, whom he should have invited to dance.


    Yet, Jonathan seemed not to have time for this: neither for the dance nor for Kate. He just smiled when the blonde that wore a red dress approached him and, stopping to his right, she whispered something into his ear. After that, he discreetly nodded, hinting to her that he understood the message, returning to his talk when she moved away from them.


    Actually, the stranger in the red dress didn¡¯t stay for a long time next to Ward. She, right away Ward nodded, even if he did that discreetly, moved away from the group toward one of the doors, seeming to be about to leave the dinner party. Yet, all this was only an illusion, a wrong one as it seemed to Alex after this, because she stopped eventually next to a group of four women, whom she warmly greeted, all of them bursting into laughter shortly after this.


    The five women seemed to have a fascinating talk at that moment, just as they seemed to be in the spotlight because enough gentlemen looked at them with interest after this. Alex also saw Ward turning his head and looking at them, just as the whole group that accompanied him did. This look seemed to bother Doyle, making him feel that it wasn¡¯t right for Jonathan to do that. What Ward should have done, in Doyle¡¯s opinion, was to look for his fianc¨¦e and make sure, even if it was only by a glance, that she was fine. What Jonathan did instead was to allow himself to be charmed by that lady in red, completely forgetting about his girlfriend, who looked so well in that black dress that outlined her silhouette, a beauty that was so visible due to her chestnut curls too, something that spurred men to dream, admire her, and want something more with her than admire her by a glance.


    At least all this spurred Alex to dream. It made him feel that it was time to approach Kate and make peace with her. He had to do that because he felt that it was the only way his heart could calm down a little and beat with no pain eventually but with admiration for her.


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    With such thoughts in his head, Alex headed toward her eventually. Meanwhile, Kate stood in the same place: in front of the window, looking at the outside night and not around her. And, while approaching her, Alex felt that she was nervous or maybe sad because a strange aura of melancholy was felt around her.


    Alex was right in thinking all this because Kate didn¡¯t feel comfortable there. Even so, she knew that she couldn¡¯t run away from there because she willingly accepted to accompany Jonathan to that dinner party. She accompanied him, thinking that they would spend some time together, that they would get closer to each other a little, and that he¡¯d introduce her to others as his future wife. Something that didn¡¯t happen eventually because, right after entering the hall, Jonathan apologized to her, telling her that he had to greet someone he knew. Then, he moved away from her and never approached her after that.


    Left alone and knowing nobody at that dinner party, Kate felt really weird. Even so, she had to comply with this because she wouldn¡¯t make a hysteria crisis there or reproach Ward for his imprudence of leaving her alone in a place where no familiar face smiled at her. What Kate did instead was to approach one of the tables, take a glass of wine, and approach one of the big windows. Staying there, she preferred to look at the night that was lurking on them through the window, closing herself in the castle of her sad thoughts¡­ those thoughts related to her regrets. At the same time, she needed time to think about delusions because she had had one more that night - Susan Loyle.


    Yes, Ward¡¯s secretary was also there that evening, although Jonathan had told her a few days ago that he had sent her to Dublin to solve some things. Did he lie to her? Kate had no idea. Would she have found this out? She also didn¡¯t know. All she knew was that she felt a harsh pain in her chest, and this happened because she had the other woman close to her, someone who looked gorgeous that night in that red dress, something that highlighted her blond hair and her beautiful green eyes, which completely charmed all the men that night.


    Because of Susan, Kate didn¡¯t fully enjoy her victory that night. It¡¯s better to say that she didn¡¯t realize that all the glances were focused on her since she entered the party hall. The men especially looked at her, smiling when they saw her eyes. Kate even saw them whispering to each other, having her as the main subject to talk about. Whispers that would have made her happy other times, but not that night, not when the ?other one¡± was also there.


    Thinking about Susan, Kate turned sad. She even slowly frowned at one point, carefully looking at the glass of wine she kept squeezing in her hand, whose sweet-bitter liquid was slowly dripping on the glass¡¯s wall. Kate didn¡¯t care about the wine though but about the blood that slowly flowed through her veins - it happened because of the disappointment because if she had been furious, that blood would have undoubtedly madly flown through her veins.


    A light touch on her back made Kate wince. She looked over there right away, thinking that Jonathan finally remembered her and approached. Yet, it wasn¡¯t anything like that. Instead of Ward, Kate saw Alex smiling at her. She also smiled: not shyly but happily because she was really happy to know him there. She wished that for days: to see him, smile at him, talk to him, and make sure he was fine¡­ She wanted to know that the man who had stolen her heart on the sly and for her entire life was fine.


    ?Are you okay?¡± Alex asked her, clinking his glass off hers.


    ?I¡¯m fine. Why shouldn¡¯t I be?¡± Kate lied to him, looking elsewhere.


    ?Just¡­ thoughts,¡± whispered Alex, shyly looking elsewhere. He looked at the other guests, as though he¡¯d been afraid to be seen with her. No, Alex was lying to himself because he didn¡¯t feel fear but admiration. It¡¯s better to say that he was envious and wanted, at any cost, others to be envious of him. Alex wanted that at least for that evening to be envied by other men because he was accompanied by such a beautiful lady. The man wanted that because he had to accept that Kate really looked good in that dress, being the dream of many men that night, those who undoubtedly dreamt of that black dress falling to their feet. Yet¡­


    ?All these are only thoughts eventually,¡± replied Kate, making the man look at her.


    ?Thoughts about what?¡± The man asked. He was a little confused.


    ?About everything that happened. Especially about what we experienced¡­ together. And, you know, I feel weird after that day at the docks. I shouldn¡¯t have¡­¡±


    The delicate touch of the man¡¯s fingers, who suddenly wrapped them around her right wrist, slowly moving down toward the edge of her glass of wine, made Kate wince. Looking at his hand touching her hand, she felt something pleasant inside. She was vibrating. Not because of desire but because of delight because it was a sensation she hadn¡¯t felt for a very long time: something born from love, from a heart that madly beat in her chest, and because of his in-love soul.


    Kate didn¡¯t withdraw her hand, although she felt that she had to do that. Eventually, she was with Ward that night there and it wasn¡¯t fair for him to let another man touch her. Nevertheless, she allowed this to Alex because his touch was so similar to the touch of the man from her dream - that delicate touch that made her dream so much that night - to dream of a future together and of a love that¡¯s often seen only in books.


    ?Alex,¡± Kate¡¯s lips suddenly whispered. Raising her glance and fixing it in his glance, she finally saw a warm light shining in them. ?Is he happy?¡± She thought. ?With so little? With a holding of hands? With us being together and, on the sly, touching each other¡¯s skin although both of us want more than we can¡¯t have? No, it¡¯ll be too much. It¡¯ll be cruel and unfair to do that.¡±


    Because of this thought, Kate suddenly withdrew her hand. She didn¡¯t do that to hurt him but to sip from her glass of wine, which she seemed to have forgotten about during the night. By doing this, she gave the man the chance to admire the perfection of her red lips and her black eyes that contrasted so powerfully in the warm light of the hall at this time. Or was it maybe because of his eyes that looked at her? Most probably yes because it couldn¡¯t be different when his eyes watched her with love¡­ they looked at the woman that had irremediably stolen his heart.


    ?I should probably go,¡± she whispered again.


    ?Why?¡± He sadly asked her.


    ?It¡¯s just¡­ time to do that,¡± she lied to him. Then, not to prolong that agony anymore, the one from her soul because her eyes, which admired his face and lips on the sly, had suddenly dreamt of more. Her eyes and heart dreamt of continuing that kiss from the docks. They dreamt of a kiss born from the heart, a kiss that could complete them both and make them want more.


    Actually, in her head only, Kate¡¯s hands delicately touched the man¡¯s white neck. Then, she stood on her tiptoes, on her black stiletto shoes, which she was wearing at that moment, and closed her eyes. She closed her eyes the moment her lips hungrily touched his lips, and he answered that kiss with all the fire from his heart and chest.


    When she wanted to go, Kate felt that Alex¡¯s fingers wrapped around her wrist again. Looking at his hand, which delicately touched her wrist, Kate smiled. She smiled even when she raised her glance and looked into his eyes, which were desperately asking her to stay there for more, next to him, and never go. The man¡¯s eyes were asking her to stay for more because they dreamt for each other for so long¡­ they dreamt of such a night¡­ of a night spent together. They had the chance to live all this that night, at that moment when they seemed to be alone in a crowded hall, and this meant only one thing - they had permission for madness, even if it was only in their heads.


    Yet, all this wasn¡¯t fair in Kate¡¯s heart. She thought that, by staying there, she¡¯d prolong the agony in their hearts. That¡¯s why she suddenly looked around, trying to see where Jonathan was and approach him. Not seeing him, Kate frowned. She also didn¡¯t see Susan Loyle there and this broke her heart. Because of this, Alex suddenly felt a slight twitch of her arm, something that made him attentive.


    ?Something happened?¡± He asked her in a shaking voice.


    ?Yes, I¡¯d like to go if possible,¡± she rushed to answer, harshly, not giving the man the chance to understand that she did that because of him. ?I just feel that it¡¯s time to go and as soon as possible.¡±


    Alex didn¡¯t understand the reason for her rush. He also didn¡¯t understand where the magic between them vanished when he felt it so intensely before that. Yes, he felt a certain connection between them and that Kate felt the same as he felt. Yet, after she looked through the room, her calmness vanished somewhere and, instead of peace seen in her glance, he felt the agitation in Kate¡¯s soul.


    Also looking through the room, Alex understood that Ward wasn¡¯t there. He also didn¡¯t see the lady in red, whom he¡¯d seen whispering something into the ear of Kate¡¯s fianc¨¦. ?Is it that¡­ the two of them¡­¡± Alex stuttered in his head.


    He had to leave such thoughts for later when he felt Kate¡¯s hand wrapped around his hand and squeezing it. ?Can you take me out of here?¡± She whispered, eyes almost bathed by tears.


    Without thinking twice about this, Alex held her hand and pulled her after him toward the exit room. He didn¡¯t care about the others, who focused their glances on them. The man didn¡¯t even care about the whispers of others, those who were asking each other what happened and why that beautiful lady in black held the hand of another man and not of the one with whom she came there.


    Alex didn¡¯t let go of her hand, not even when they were in the corridor already and other pairs of eyes were carefully looking at them. Eyes that followed them until they got to the locker room, from where he took his coat. Alex asked for Kate¡¯s coat too, but she whispered to him that she left it in Ward¡¯s car and that she¡¯d take it from there once they got to the parking lot.


    After her whisper, Alex said nothing. He just put his coat on her shoulders to protect her from the cold. Then, squeezing her hand, he pulled Kate behind him, rushing to descend the stairs because he felt that Kate needed to get out of there as soon as possible. He felt that she needed to breathe fresh air, something he wanted to make sure that would happen once they had been far away from that place.


    For this to happen, they had to get to the parking lot. Once there, he intended to take her stuff from Ward¡¯s car and force her to follow him. Alex intended to do that because he wanted Kate to spend that night with him, far away from sad thoughts and twisted feelings. Yes, he wanted to keep her away from tears no matter what, and he wanted that because he felt that Kathleen O¡¯Connell had cried a lot in her life.


    Yet, getting to the parking lot, Alex had been forced to stop when Kate did that first. She did that so suddenly that Alex felt a powerful tug in his right arm. This happened because he quickened his pace to get to her car, take her things, and leave that place as soon as possible.


    Looking at Kate, he saw her eyes bathed by tears. She didn¡¯t look at him but somewhere to her right at a white Audi that was parked a few meters from them. Glancing over there too, Alex finally saw what tore apart Kate¡¯s heart that evening¡­ on the back seat of that car, he saw the lady in red, the one he¡¯d seen at the dinner party. She wasn¡¯t alone but with a man in whose lap she was sitting at that moment, a man that hungrily kissed her white long neck, after moving her blond hair away. And, for a second only¡­ only for a second¡­ Alex saw the face of the man who had completely forgotten where he was if he allowed himself to have such heated moments with a lady in an open parking lot¡­ Jonathan Ward.


    ?Dog!¡± Alex suddenly hissed through his teeth. Then, he stepped in front of Kate, trying to avoid her seeing that scene that he was sure was tearing her apart. Alex even covered her eyes after that, holding her to his chest. Then, a few moments after that when he felt her body powerfully shaking at his chest, he wrapped his arms around her, taking her in his arms, and heading in the opposite direction to Ward¡¯s car.


    Where exactly did Doyle head at that moment with someone else¡¯s woman in his arms? Nowhere. Or maybe he was looking for happiness this way? He wasn¡¯t also sure of that. All the man knew at that moment was that he had to get to his car, which he and Kate entered soon after this, leaving the parking lot seconds after that, rushing to pass by Ward¡¯s car.


    Passing in front of that car, Alex covered Kate¡¯s eyes again. He covered her eyes, trying not to let her see what pain looked like. Then, arriving on the territory of freedom, he squeezed her hand in his, giving her the chance to cry with her heart that new betrayal¡­ something that trampled her heart again, although all she did was dream of happiness¡­

 CHAPTER 30: TIMP ONLY FOR THE TWO OF US

    The piano keys, so delicately touched by her fingers, filled the small living room of the cottage Doyle with harmony. There was undoubtedly longing there too. It couldn¡¯t be different, not when the man¡¯s soul, which had been suddenly turned into guitar strings, accompanied that perfect music of the piano keys and her fingers.


    There were only the two of them there: he and she, loneliness and music, longing and agony. She - sitting in front of the piano and singing the melody of her heart while he was standing in front of the big window, looking into the distance. His eyes didn¡¯t look only at the distance but also at the future - that future when he wasn¡¯t alone but he had her in his arms. Where exactly? In front of the cottage, on one of those wooden rocking chairs, with a mug of hot coffee in their hands, wearing white woolen gloves, and having blankets on their laps - blankets that had undoubtedly been woven by the hands of his mother.


    Such a thought made Alex smile. He was so happy. The man was really fulfilled that night, finally having time only for the two of them, for melancholy, dreams, and illusions, even if those illusions were so empty at that moment. Yes, they had time for them too, just as they had time for thoughts like ?Everything will be fine! It¡¯ll be fine for both of us¡­ at least from now on¡­¡±


    It couldn¡¯t be different when his heart happily shouted at him ?Finally.¡± It was really ?Finally¡± for them at that moment because this was what both of them had been dreaming of, right?! They dreamt of being together, even if it had been for an evening only, just to have eternity at their feet and the longing in their chests¡­ The longing that had blue eyes or the one with long hair that had cunningly stolen the color of the ripe chestnuts, a color that would have kept Alex in love for his entire life, one color he would have missed forever.


    Why would Alex have missed that chestnut hair? Because Kate was a stranger to him eventually. Yet, she was a stranger his heart loved, a stranger he wanted asleep at his chest every night. Still, she was someone else¡¯s stranger because, despite everything that happened that night - at the party and then in the parking lot - he didn¡¯t hear Kate saying, ?It¡¯s over! I don¡¯t want to hear from him anymore!¡± Just as Alex didn¡¯t hear the most important thing, ?I want to be with you!¡±


    This new thought made him wince. Looking in front, at the snow that fell from above in large quantities and lay in front of the cottage that night, Alex sadly smiled, still seeing happiness at that moment. What kind of happiness? That stranger in his arms, wearing a white cap and thick coat, stuck to his chest while their eyes - those eyes in love with life and beauty - were looking as charmed at the magic of the dance of the snowflakes that kept falling from the sky. Snowflakes that were eventually the only witnesses of their love, as it had been the red leaves when Alex had seen her for the first time that rainy autumn day, ?The day when I fell in love for an entire life.¡±


    His whisper made Kate raise her head and look at him for a long time. She saw only his broad back and that white shirt he still wore at that moment. Alex was still in front of the window, with a glass of red wine in his hand, a drink she asked for when Alex asked her if she¡¯d like to drink something.


    Alex asked her this, right after they entered the cottage. It was warm there and so pleasant. It smelled like beech wood and mint there. At the same time, it smelled like quince forgotten in some corner and longing. There smelled like home and passion in that cottage, something she felt so intensely dancing on her skin soon after this¡­ It felt like the dance of the flames from the fireplace, flames that were hungrily kissing those beech logs that filled the room with a pleasant aroma of longing and dreams.


    ?I¡¯d like a glass of red wine,¡± Kate whispered while allowing him to take the coat off her shoulders.


    Alex said nothing after such words. He just smiled, put the coat on the hanger, and disappeared into a small room that was somewhere to the right of the living room, right after entering the cottage. A small room where Kate didn¡¯t dare to follow him. Still, she knew that there might be the kitchen or the pantry.


    What Kate did was take her shoes off, which she let fall on the floor. She didn¡¯t just let them carelessly fall off her feet as a habit or something. No, she simply felt that she wanted to do that, getting rid of them as soon as possible. Then, looking around, Kate approached the fireplace, in front of which she stopped soon after this. She did that when she felt the warmth coming from the flames¡­ those that were dancing on her skin too as they kept dancing around the logs¡­ imaginarily turning her into beech logs from which those flames took their aroma later.


    This new thought, born from beauty, made her smile. Yes, Kate smiled. She smiled with her heart, for the first time that night. Yet, her eyes were still filled with tears, but they didn¡¯t cry because of sadness or because she suddenly remembered what happened. No, it wasn¡¯t undoubtedly because of this. Kate¡¯s eyes filled with tears because she suddenly remembered about home. It was also because she felt free and that she could breathe with all her chest while her arms and her skin seemed to be so eager to feel love - the one that had the face of another man and not of the one for whom she fought for years.


    ?A futile battle and a useless one eventually,¡± Kate whispered, still looking at the flames.


    Soon after that, Kate looked at Alex when she heard him coming out of the pantry and heading toward her. She saw him bringing a bottle of wine with him, which was already open, and two empty glasses. Not even this time Kate said something or he did that. Alex just made a simple gesture, asking her to help him with the glasses. Then, when she took the glasses in her hand, he poured the red liquid of love into them. After that, leaving the bottle on the small coffee table, which was between the two armchairs in front of the fireplace, he took one of the glasses from Kate¡¯s hand, which he slowly touched to hers, whispering, ?For us!¡±


    Kate smiled again. ?Why exactly for us?¡±


    ?If not for us, for whom then?¡±


    ?Just¡­,¡± murmured Kate, a little stuck up. ?I just feel that this toast shouldn¡¯t be for us but for others. Eventually, we don¡¯t deserve to make this toast for us, at least not because we have tonight the chance to drink together a glass of wine.¡± Alex burst into laughter. ?Did I say something funny?¡±


    ?Undoubtedly! Why? Because¡­ you are strange sometimes. Did someone ever tell you that?¡±


    ?Honestly? No! And¡­ I don¡¯t understand what might have made you say something like this about me,¡± she whispered, sipping from her wine.


    ?Your innocence,¡± replied Alex after a few moments of looking at her - he looked so in love and fascinated with Kate. ?Only your innocence can confuse a man so much, showing his respect just because he¡¯s seen innocence in your eyes.¡±


    ?I¡¯m not that innocent, Alex, and you know that. I¡¯ve long ago forgotten what it means to be innocent. Or¡­ maybe I haven¡¯t ever known that?! Honestly, I¡¯m also not sure of this.¡±


    ?Or maybe it¡¯s something you don¡¯t want to know,¡± the man told her soon after this. Such words made Kate look at him. She was so confused.


    ?I didn¡¯t want to know them? What makes you say that?¡±


    ?Just something I feel. Something I think, it¡¯s better to say because¡­ I¡¯ve gotten to know you, Kate. Even if it¡¯s been only a little because of the short time we¡¯ve known each other, but¡­ I¡¯ve gotten to know you. At least, I like to think that I know you.¡±


    Kate said nothing after this. She kept silent for a long time. She did that because she felt that it was exactly what she had to do. The woman kept silent, trying to give herself some time to think about his words, their meaning, and what they meant for her. At the same time, she had to think if she knew Alex at least a little bit as he said he¡¯d gotten to know her.


    Just¡­ no. Kate didn¡¯t know him very well. She was pretty sure of that. She only remembered his face and his blue eyes. She knew that he liked books and loneliness, the smell of coffee and the noise of the raindrops dancing on the wet asphalt, a dance he loved to watch through the big window from his coffee shop. For the rest¡­ there were only thoughts and assumptions about what he could think, what he felt in one situation or another, or what he would have done if he had been in her place. Thoughts that made her feel sad and hopeless.


    Why did Kate feel all this? She also didn¡¯t know that. She was only sure that it wasn¡¯t because of what he told her. Was it because she regretted not knowing too much about him? Probably yes because¡­ only by knowing things about someone, you can say that you really know him, love him, and respect that person for who he is and not because of an illusion you¡¯ve created in your head and you¡¯re stubbornly believing in it to the end.


    Eventually, still embarrassed because of such thoughts and twisted feelings, Kate took a few steps away from Alex, approaching the piano. The musical instrument was somewhere to the left of the room, only a few meters from the entrance, to the left of it too. Once next to the piano, she sat down, on the small chair ?forgotten¡± next to the piano for such ?occupations,¡± and, leaving the glass of wine on the piano, she delicately touched its keys, releasing her dreams and feelings, leaving them run wildly through that room, in the sweet and tender embracement of the musical notes.


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    When Kate started to play the piano, Alex didn¡¯t approach her, although he felt he should have done that. What he did instead was to look at her and admire her from where he was. Looking at the woman who charmed him, he found her so beautiful, as he hadn¡¯t ever seen her before. Alex found her stunning, a real goddess, someone he didn¡¯t deserve to have with him. Even so, he could fully enjoy the feeling of having her there, with him, filling not only his house with happiness but also that world of loneliness where he was willingly withdrawing sometimes - somehow shy and afraid of people.


    Thus, looking at her straight back, the one covered by soft waves of chestnuts, Alex felt that the entire universe belonged to him. He dreamt¡­ of those white arms, which were stretched in front to be able to touch the piano keys, wrapped around his neck. His arms, strong and confident, were undoubtedly wrapped around her waist, holding her to his chest to be able to feel her so close¡­ his and only his.


    He didn¡¯t want her with him for a night only but for an entire life. Yet, Alex was afraid to talk to her about this. He was afraid to ask her to be his, and he feared that because he felt he didn¡¯t deserve her. Why? Because he hadn¡¯t been able to avoid her suffering that night. He also couldn¡¯t protect her from people¡¯s judgment, those who didn¡¯t know how much pain was hidden behind those beautiful black eyes and in that beautiful chest of a stunning woman.


    At the same time, the man felt that he had every right in the world to have her there. He had the right to dream of her, once her fianc¨¦ didn¡¯t know how to appreciate her. Eventually, she wasn¡¯t his, and this hurt him so much. Alex felt that pain with all his heart - the pain of having someone so close to him, but not close enough to make him happy.


    Probably because of this, he approached the window eventually, allowing his twisted thoughts to overwhelm him - thoughts that were accompanied by those musical notes and by those beautiful sounds made by the piano. At the same time, the man allowed the dance of the snowflakes, which gave a certain color to the night and a certain charm to the love forgotten in his soul, making him dream. Still, that soul longed so much for happiness¡­ not for any type of happiness but the one felt only in her arms. He dreamt of a happiness that wasn¡¯t his eventually, and Alex knew that very well.


    Eventually, Alex winced. He did that when he finally realized that someone was to his left. Looking over there, he saw Kate smiling at him. She was only one step from him, insistently looking at him¡­ with a strange shine in her glance, something he hadn¡¯t ever seen in her before.


    ?Is this love?¡± The man wondered in his head. ?Does she feel the same? No, it¡¯ll be too much. It¡¯ll be too beautiful and so secret.¡± Yet, although he didn¡¯t have an answer to such questions, Alex didn¡¯t bother too much to find one. He only stretched his left hand toward her and, delicately, so delicately that he felt her suddenly vibrating, touched her cheek. Then, the man touched her lips, moving his thumb on them.


    Why did he do that? Undoubtedly, because of the same kiss she¡¯d stolen from him at the docks, something that charmed and obsessed him in the few weeks. He dreamt of that kiss on cold nights and sunny days. He wanted that kiss so close to him, at the distance of a hand stretched in front, something he could have at that moment¡­ not only the kiss but also the woman whom he simply adored.


    Not thinking too much about this, Alex closed his eyes and kissed her. He kissed her with his heart, slowly pressing his lips over her lips just to make sure he¡¯d deeply feel their aroma. He also felt the warmth of those red lips, those lips that had waited for his kiss for so long¡­ lips that had sipped for long from the coffee prepared by his hands. Yes, her lips had undoubtedly waited for his lips to be stuck to hers, eager to find longing and love in them.


    That¡¯s why Kate didn¡¯t stay against that kiss. She only closed her eyes and allowed that moment to be only theirs. She completely stuck herself to his chest at one point when Alex pulled her closer to him. After this, Kate felt his chest, in which the wild bird with the name heart was madly beating, gently touching her chest¡­ It was a secret touch, shyly in places, a touch felt on the sly, as though they were teenagers that kissed for the first time, teenagers that hadn¡¯t ever dared to talk to each other about their feelings.


    She liked that. Kate simply adored that kiss because it wasn¡¯t anything similar to something she had experienced before. Yes, she hadn¡¯t ever felt something similar when another man held her to his chest. It was something new for her, something secret that filled her inside. All she felt was something that Kate wanted to prolong, turning it into something more than this. And, feeling all this, Kate¡¯s hand stretched toward the man¡¯s shirt, unbuttoning it slowly.


    It¡¯s when she suddenly felt his fingers wrapped around her left wrist, stopping her secret movement. Yes, Alex stopped her from unbuttoning his shirt, after her fingers¡­ soft fingers that he simply adored, had gently touched only three buttons. Then, ending that kiss and deeply and secretly looking into her black eyes, he whispered, ?Let¡¯s not rush, Kate! I don¡¯t think that it¡¯s fair to do that.¡±


    ?Why?¡± She whispered, ashamed. She also felt a little upset because it seemed to her that Alex rejected her.


    ?I just¡­ don¡¯t want to be the clout nail that you use to get rid of another clout nail.¡±


    Kate shuddered after such words, taking a step back. More than this she couldn¡¯t move away from him because she suddenly felt his palm gently touching her back, trying to impede her from moving further from him. She didn¡¯t look into his eyes after this but somewhere past him. The woman looked at the dance of the flames when she told him, ?Do you really think that, Alex? That the kiss, my dedication, and my wishes are just because I consider you just another man? The one I can use to forget¡­ him?¡±


    ?Honestly, I don¡¯t know. I¡¯m not sure of this. That¡¯s why I don¡¯t want to rush. It won¡¯t be fair for any of us eventually.¡±


    ?Even for him?¡± Kate asked right away, staring into his eyes this time. Thus, she let Alex see anger sparkling in her eyes, anger born from the disappointment felt in her soul. ?He¡¯d deserve that. He¡¯d deserve my betrayal.¡±


    ?Who wouldn¡¯t deserve that is you, Kate,¡± Alex confidently told her. ?You don¡¯t deserve that, Kate. You deserve more than this.¡±


    ?Yet, I don¡¯t deserve you, it seems to me,¡± she thought. Kate was so sad at that moment, feeling her eyes about to be flooded by tears.


    Eventually, she could hold those tears and didn¡¯t let them wet her cheeks. She didn¡¯t want to cry: not again and not in front of Alex or because of him. He was eventually right because it wasn¡¯t worth cheating on someone just because she¡¯d been cheated on so many times before. He also didn¡¯t deserve to be used by her¡­ to be the ?other one,¡± with whom she would have spent the night just to take revenge on Ward for everything he had done to her all those years.


    With such thoughts in her head, Kate moved away from the man, heading toward the door. ?I think I should go now,¡± she said eventually, taking his coat off the hanger. ?It¡¯ll be better for all of us eventually. At least I think it¡¯ll be better if I do this.¡±


    Alex said nothing. Yes, he kept silent, knowing that it was better for both of them if Kate had left. The man knew that if he had stopped her, he wouldn¡¯t have been capable of rejecting her again. It would have been difficult for him to do that because of everything he felt and of that mad desire to spend the night in her arms. If they had done that¡­ if they had spent that night together¡­ he wouldn¡¯t have been able to let her go after this. At the same time, he would have been unable to forgive himself after this because this would have meant betrayal for him. Yes, he would have betrayed himself if he had spent the night in the arms of a woman that wasn¡¯t his eventually. He would have betrayed his principles too, those he had blindly believed in for years, solid principles that he¡¯d built over the years, just as he would have betrayed his credo - the one of not harming another man when this wasn¡¯t what he wanted for himself.


    At the same time, the man knew that it wasn¡¯t fair for Kate too. She wanted revenge, and Alex also knew that. He could have done violence to his conscience, at least for that night, and helped her feel better. Yet¡­ he couldn¡¯t do that.


    What he told her instead was ?I¡¯ll give you a ride!¡±


    ?Not necessary!¡± Kate replied. ?I can drive myself, returning to the town. I just¡­ need your car if you can give it to me. I promise I¡¯ll give it back to you tomorrow at first light. No, I¡¯ll bring it to your coffee shop tonight. I¡¯ll ask someone at the hotel to do that for me and you¡¯ll find it in front of your coffee shop.¡± Then, feeling weird and that it wasn¡¯t fair for any of them if she had stood there for longer, Kate put her shoes on and left the cottage as soon as Alex gave her the car key.


    Leaving, Kate hoped that Alex would at least walk her to the car. Yet, he didn¡¯t do that. Yes, he didn¡¯t follow her as she had hoped he¡¯d do. If he had done that¡­ if Alex had followed her and asked her to stay with him¡­ Kate would have done that for her entire life. She would have been with him, completely giving herself to him. She would have done that as he would have asked her to do: she would have broken up with Jonathan first, would have healed her wounds, and prepared for that new relationship before being with him. Yet, her desires had been only desires eventually. They have been unfulfilled dreams because Alex didn¡¯t get out of the cottage for her¡­ to tell her goodbye or something more¡­ He didn¡¯t do that, not even at that moment when it was sure that it might have been the last time they were seeing each other.


    Entering the car, Kate pressed the gas pedal right away and rushed to leave that place. Tears bathed her eyes, just as her cheeks were wet because of sadness. She couldn¡¯t feel different at that moment, not that night when life betrayed her twice. First - life did that with Jonathan¡¯s betrayal. Secondly - life did that through everything Alex had told her. ?At least, I would have liked him to tell me goodbye or simply¡­ stay. I wished he had stopped me, but he didn¡¯t do that. I can¡¯t judge him though. I really can¡¯t do that because¡­ sometimes we have to act this way: trampling our heart and leaving another one to go, even if it means that he¡¯s leaving forever.¡±


    She had to do the same. Kate knew that she had to be strong and not give up. She knew she had to move on and live her life. It was necessary to do this. Why? Because she couldn¡¯t wait anymore for love to knock on her door. She had waited for so long for someone to return to her and be with her forever. Yet, that one hadn¡¯t ever come back to her. All this made Kate finally understand that it was time to stop betraying herself, giving it to someone who simply didn¡¯t need that or her, or giving it to someone who wouldn¡¯t have ever been with her¡­ maybe.


    Around her and around the car that advanced on that forest road, the snowflakes kept dancing while falling from the sky. Yet, Kate didn¡¯t see them at the moment. All she felt were the flames from her soul. All her eyes saw was a long road in front: a one-way road, with no return to those places¡­ a road that led toward nowhere. At the same time, that road led her toward new horizons, new ideals, feelings, and a new future. Yet, it seemed that that road didn¡¯t also lead her footsteps back to happiness or¡­ him.

 CHAPTER 31: I WISH I TURNED BACK TIME

    After Kate¡¯s departure, Alex felt really miserable. He felt he betrayed her. At the same time, he felt he had trampled her under his feet and denigrated her as a woman. The reason? He didn¡¯t humor her, and this was even more painful for him than having done violence to his conscience, forgetting about principles, and that he didn¡¯t want to do to another man what he wouldn¡¯t have liked another one to do the same to him: take his woman.


    ?Yet, it¡¯s too late,¡± Alex whispered, sitting on the floor, in front of the big window, and looking at the dance of the snowflakes. ?She¡¯s gone and won¡¯t return ever.¡±


    Painful tears wet his cheeks after this. Those were tears born from love and longing - tears for her, the one he¡¯d given up on so easily and for being stupid. ?Well, not that much,¡± he suddenly told himself. ?It hadn¡¯t been because I was stupid but because I tried to protect her¡­ from herself and me - the one who hadn¡¯t ever been able to make her happy or protect her from the judgment of other people.¡±


    This was the bone of contention - he tried to find excuses for choosing cowardice again, and he did that because of ?what others could have thought about him if he had taken someone else¡¯s woman.¡± Other people would have undoubtedly judged him. They would have said that he didn¡¯t know what meant to be a real man, to appreciate another man, and dreamt of stolen happiness just because he hadn¡¯t ever been able to find his own happiness.


    Yet¡­ was it really like that? Would have people really judged him if they had found out the truth? Undoubtedly not. Nevertheless¡­ the man couldn¡¯t not think about this. Not at that moment when his soul hurt him and he still heard the piano music played by her delicate fingers that touched the piano keys for so long. It hurt him a lot to know that she suffered. He felt all this because of her suffering because it couldn¡¯t be different when he didn¡¯t give her the chance to get revenge on that Worthy Rival while being with him. If he had listened to her and ?If I had given her the chance to be with me, even for tonight, she would have been mine for sure. Yes, she would have been mine for sure. Yet, all it¡¯s left now are illusions, empty dreams, memories, and regrets about what could have been or what might be one day.¡±


    Nevertheless, that black dress, falling at his feet, just to allow her long hair to cover her nakedness, didn¡¯t allow Alex to be calm that night. A black dress over which a white shirt had been forgotten eventually¡­ the shirt of innocence lost in the arms of his beloved woman. If this had happened, he would have been so happy. He would have lived with no regrets after this because¡­ ?It¡¯s the only way someone can live his love so intensely in the arms of the one he¡¯s thinking about all the time and not only dreams of that person. Yet, it¡¯s too late, Alex. Too late!¡±


    Honestly, Alex didn¡¯t regret the fact that he missed the chance to be with her for a night because he had spent nights with other women before. He spent those nights with them because he thought he loved them or that he at least had feelings for them. Yet, it resulted eventually that it wasn¡¯t anything like that, and, because of this, he moved away from them. Some of those women, to whom he gave his body thinking that he was also giving them his soul, left him when they felt he didn¡¯t feel the same for them. Other women shed bitter tears when Alex told them that they didn¡¯t have a future together. Yet, most of those women simply turned their back to him and never turned back to him after this.


    Well, those women with whom he spent the night hadn¡¯t been that many¡­ They could have been two or three ladies with whom he had shared some feelings because¡­ maybe he was a hopeless romantic but not a Saint. He was a man eventually. He had desires and longing, dreams to fulfill, such dreams that one man doesn¡¯t fulfill by being alone but in the arms of a beautiful woman. Yet, none of those women had been what he was looking for. That¡¯s why he hadn¡¯t ever regretted to lose them.


    With Kate was to be different though. Alex was sure of this because his soul hurt him too much after their breakup. His heart hurt him, that heart that kept madly pouncing in his chest, just as his skin hurt him¡­ that place where Kate¡¯s fingers had touched him when she had tried to unbutton his shirt, looking for happiness in his arms.


    If this had happened, it would have been happiness between them for sure. It would have undoubtedly been happiness in that relationship because Alex would have given up on himself body and soul just to make sure Kate would be happy, who would have done the same as he would have done that. ?Kate would have done that because she¡¯s eventually a woman who had been born from love and for love,¡± Alex told himself eventually, finishing the wine from the glass, which he didn¡¯t finish after pouring it when he poured wine into Kate¡¯s glass. After that, Alex poured more wine into his glass, from the bottle that was with him at that moment. That bottle was there, at the distance of a hand stretched in front after Alex put it there. After all, he was sure that he would need to drink a lot that night because his soul was suffering. Alex wanted to drink that night while looking at the dance of snowflakes¡­ a dance that Alex found weird while looking at it through tears.


    It was normal for Alex to cry that evening because, out of stupidity, he had given up on her. Alex had also given up on himself¡­ on that in-love Alex, who was living hidden deep inside him and who dreamt of more than books and classical music in a small room, somewhere above his coffee shop where it smelled so pleasantly like fresh coffee. Yes, he dreamt. Yet, all these were just selfish dreams eventually, those dreams he had forbidden himself to fulfill because he knew he didn¡¯t have the right to make them real.


    What was Alex dreaming of then? He dreamt of full happiness in Kate¡¯s arms. He dreamt of a little She, a child who would have had her black deep eyes and her hair the color of ripe chestnuts that was falling over her shoulders like stray curls. Alex dreamt of a little She who would have been theirs, in fact¡­ A child that would have been a small part of their happiness, one that would have undoubtedly been completed by a perfect copy of himself - a boy with blue eyes and blond hair because Alex considered that he was worthy to have such an heir - someone adored by women and the entire world.


    All these were only dreams eventually. His small happiness was over already. It ended before starting, and this slowly tore him apart. ?For being stupid,¡± he told himself after that, pouring more wine into his glass after finishing what he poured before that. Then, squeezing the glass in his hand, he stared at it, seeing those two red lips he had kissed that night instead of that glass of wine¡­ A kiss that burnt his soul because it made him want more and dream of more while being with her.


    A sudden crack, heard in the fireplace, made Alex wince. Looking over there, he saw only the flames vividly dancing around the wood he put there after Kate left. He saw nothing there. Even so, Alex was sure that he didn¡¯t have visions and that that crack had been real¡­ ?No, it had been as real as the crack heard when two wings had broken¡­ the wings of love between us¡­¡±


    After this, Alex sighed again. He sighed with all his heart, bursting into tears eventually. The man was crying out of mercy, just as he cried for her. Alex cried all those tears she would have cried if she had been with him¡­ Those would have been tears of happiness and not of sadness because she would have been happy with him for sure.


    ?Happy,¡± Alex murmured again. ?Yes, she would have been happy with me, just as she wouldn¡¯t ever be with him. Yet¡­ can I make her so happy and forget the pain she felt with him? Can I dry her cheeks with hot kisses and close the wounds of her soul with my caresses? Only being with her, would it be enough for her? Wouldn¡¯t she dream for more after that?¡±


    All these questions remained with no response eventually. Kate wasn¡¯t there to answer them, and he also didn¡¯t know the answers. He couldn¡¯t invent them because there were too many doubts that took over his soul. Too much pain was also felt in his voice that night, just as too many tears shed his heart that night to be able to think normally and find answers to such questions.


    Thus, squatting in front of the big window and silently listening to the crack of the wood in the fireplace, Alex spent the whole night. A lot of thoughts spun in his head that night too¡­ Questions about what would have been if or what would have come after that if¡­ Alex thought about all this because he couldn¡¯t resign with the idea of losing Kate, although he did everything for this to happen eventually¡­


    ***


    The next morning found Alex by the roadside. That one was a damn cold morning, by the way, an unfriendly morning with him, in particular. Yet, the man didn¡¯t care about this. Alex didn¡¯t care about this because he didn¡¯t feel it after he¡¯d walked for a long while to get to the main road, where he intended to stop a car and ask the driver to take him to the town. Actually, he¡¯d tried so hard to catch a taxi or call someone to give him a ride to the town, but he couldn¡¯t. The reason? The phone signal had been mostly science fiction the previous night because of the bad weather. The cold of the air was still felt at that hour, although the wind didn¡¯t blow as madly as the night before and the snow stopped.


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    The tracks of that painful night were still seen. They were seen in the snowflakes that had completely lost their power and lay all over at that moment - on the trees, on the ground, on trunks, and even on souls. At the same time, that pain was seen on Alex¡¯s face too while, in his head, a single thought spun at that moment, ?If I had been able to turn back time, I would have undoubtedly been happy.¡±


    Something he intended to have eventually. He intended to turn back time and recover his happiness in Kate¡¯s person. Alex wanted to bring her back no matter what, to ask for forgiveness, and to ask her to leave the one who made her suffer so much too. Kate had to do that. She had to do it for him, even if she had hated him for what happened the previous night when he hurt her and when he let her go without telling at least ?Goodbye!¡± to her.


    Even so, Alex was sure Kate would have forgiven him. She would have forgiven him for sure because she was a kind person. She was a woman as he rarely met in his life, a woman for whom it was worth fighting. Yes, he was sure that it was worth fighting for her. It was also worth making her happy because she deserved that. And, thinking about all this, Alex left the cottage at dawn and ventured on that dangerous forest path to get to the main road. He did that because he wanted to find her as soon as possible and talk to her about his thoughts, feelings, experiences, and fears. The man wanted to explain to her why he let her go that night and why he¡¯d been a coward. Nevertheless¡­


    ¡­time wasn¡¯t by his side. Fate also seemed to be against Alexander Doyle at that moment because despite the fact he wanted so badly to find her and stood for hours by the roadside, no car passed by there¡­ No soul was there to give him a hand and take him to meet that happiness he wanted so much that he ventured to such dangerous places at such an early hour.


    All this was something hard and unexpected, but Alex was convinced not to give up. He had to do it no matter what. If he had given up and if he had returned to the cottage and waited for the weather to improve or the phone signal to be better, he would have undoubtedly wasted the golden time to find her. Yes, Kate would have left for sure because¡­ ?She told me this last night. She told me this right before leaving the cottage. Kate said, ?I¡¯m leaving tomorrow. I¡¯m leaving this town with him, Alex. I¡¯ve made my decision already because I have to go.¡±


    Alex didn¡¯t ask her with whom she was leaving town though. It was useless to ask this because it was already something sure - by rejecting her, Alex gave her the chance to choose cowardice again. Thus, Kate had chosen the known evil, something she seemed unable to leave behind no matter what.


    ?Thus, she chose him, and I have to impede that. Or¡­ maybe she said that to hurt me? No, I don¡¯t think so. Kate couldn¡¯t have done that because she isn¡¯t the type of woman to hurt someone just because he hurt her. I didn¡¯t see her taking revenge on Ward for what he did to her. Thus, she won¡¯t ever do that to me.¡±


    Yet, Kate had done that the night before. She wanted to take revenge on Jonathan by spending the night with Alex. Yes, Kate did that, and this meant only one thing¡­ something inside her had changed. What exactly? Alex couldn¡¯t understand what exactly had changed at her. Was it because of her hurt ego? Was it because she finally understood that she was a woman and she deserved to pay back to others with the same malice they used to treat her, just to make sure she¡¯d be able to move on? Probably yes because¡­ ?Eventually, even the Saints can have such thoughts. She¡¯s only a human though, someone who suffered for years the shame of being betrayed by him. That¡¯s why she deserves to take revenge on him.¡±


    Eventually, Alex smiled. He didn¡¯t do that because he understood that Kate was capable of betrayal. No, he did that because he understood that Kate was a woman in the end. ?A woman who deserved to be fully loved and not only receive the crumbs of someone¡¯s love. And she¡¯ll have that love she deserves because I¡¯ll take care of that.¡±


    Still waiting to see if someone would pass by there eventually, Alex shuddered a little because of the cold, pulling the coat closer to his body. Then, sticking his hands into his pockets, after he¡¯d lifted the collar of the coat a little to protect him from the cold wind, he headed toward Westport. Alex did that while having a single thought in his mind¡­ to find her.


    ***


    To get to Westport, Alex needed a few hours. Hours he spent walking, shriveling because of the cold wind, and having some trouble advancing on that road that hadn¡¯t been cleaned of snow¡­ Alex probably needed three hours to get back to the town¡­ and another two hours in the car of a stranger, who had some mercy on him and stopped, seeing him walking while it was so cold outside. Then, he needed one more hour to get to the coffee shop and check if Kate stopped by to leave his car.


    Honestly, Alex went first to the coffee shop because he thought that Kate had the same thoughts as he had and decided to wait for him there. Yet, entering the coffee shop, Alex found only Robert there. His assistant was preparing fresh coffee at that moment, although no client was seen inside.


    Seeing Alex there, Robert had been so amazed because, you see, ?I knew you far away from here, Mister Doyle. I also knew you without your car. How did you get here anyway?¡±


    Alex answered with another question, ?Kate¡­ is Kate here?¡±


    ?She just stopped by!¡± His assistant answered right away. ?This morning. She gave me the car key and told me that she parked it somewhere down the street. Then¡­ she left.¡±


    Alex¡¯s heart froze for a few moments. Then, it started to pounce in his chest with such a force that made him feel that he lacked air at one point. It happened because of a single thought that spun in his head at that moment, like ?Did she ask something?¡±


    ?If she asked something? Like what? Or about whom?¡± Robert asked, confused.


    ?About me,¡± murmured Alex, feeling a knot in his stomach. A knot that suddenly stopped halfway through his throat when he said, ?Did she ask something about me?¡±


    Robert shook his head. ?She just told me where the car is and that¡¯s all. No, wait,¡± Robert practically yelled, making Alex wince. ?She said goodbye to me.¡±


    ?Goodbye?¡± Alex asked in a shaking voice. ?Did she say at least when she leaves?¡±


    ?Honestly, no. I also didn¡¯t ask that because it was none of my business. Yet, seeing you now, I think I should have asked that. I still can ask that. I¡¯ll make a phone call to the reception of the hotel and¡­¡±


    Alex didn¡¯t wait for Robert to finish his thought. He just grabbed the key to his car, which he saw on the counter, and ran through the door. The man did that because he intended to find his car first and then to go to the hotel to look for Kate. Yet, halfway toward the place where Robert said that Kate parked the vehicle, he changed his mind and ran as fast as he could toward the street where the hotel where Kate stayed was.


    To get there, Alex needed a quarter of an hour if not more. He didn¡¯t stop even for a second before getting to the hotel, although his heart was madly beating in his chest because of the effort suffered because of running and the cold that slapped his cheeks. Yet, Alex didn¡¯t care about this. All he needed was her¡­ He had to get to Kate and tell her to stay with him. He had to do that, at any cost.


    Yet¡­ a few dozen meters from the entrance to the hotel¡­ he suddenly stopped, seeing her leaving the place. She wasn¡¯t alone but with Ward and an older lady, whom Alex hadn¡¯t seen before. ?Is she just someone Kate knows?¡± Undoubtedly not because Alex saw that lady holding Kate¡¯s arm and talking to her in a cheerful and playful voice.


    Because of the same lady, Kate didn¡¯t look around after she left the hotel. She just entered the car, on the right side of the back seat while her companion sat to her left. Ward didn¡¯t enter the car but stood outside for a while until the driver and the lackey finished loading the luggage in the truck. Then, he gave some cash to the man and entered the car, on the front passenger seat where he waited for a while until the driver also entered the car.


    Looking through the window, Jonathan finally saw Alex watching them while he was a few meters from the car. Ward knew very well who the man was but said nothing about this. He only looked at Kate, on the sly, who was right behind him, and slowly gnashed his teeth. Ward did that barely heard, trying to hide his frustration from her. Yes, he felt frustrated and furious to know the other one there, a man about whom he knew that he had a beautiful relationship with Kate.


    Eventually, Ward winced when Esther asked, ?Are we going?¡±


    ?Yes, ma¡¯am,¡± the driver answered in Jonathan¡¯s place. Then, seeing Ward slowly nodding, the driver pressed the gas pedal and headed down the street.


    Soon after this, a clear ?Kate, wait!¡± was heard behind the vehicle. The car didn¡¯t stop though. Also, nobody looked back or saw Alex running after the vehicle in his desperate attempt to catch up with them and take from Jonathan Ward what this one hadn¡¯t ever known to appreciate¡­ Kate¡¯s love.


    ***


    His coat was all that Kate left behind. A coat that had her aroma deeply printed in its fabric¡­ It wasn¡¯t the aroma of the coffee she had often drunk in his coffee shop but the scent of her skin, something he fell in love with the night before but which he lost forever the next morning. Yes, Alex lost her forever! He let her go with that ?Worthy Rival,¡± of whom he had always been ?afraid,¡± and Alex felt that because he didn¡¯t want to take his happiness from him, even if Ward didn¡¯t even bother when he separated him from Kate.


    Alex saw Jonathan looking at him when they were leaving. He clearly saw that one staring at him and understood that Ward knew very well who he was. Even so, Jonathan said nothing to Kate: he just took her away from there, as soon as possible, not to give her a chance to be happy with someone else.


    ?Such a selfish deed,¡± Alex said through tears, holding the coat to his chest. He tightly held that coat because it had something hers in it - her aroma and her hair¡­ It had a strand from her hair, something she unwillingly let him as a relic to remind him about her while she didn¡¯t even look back when she left¡­ as if she hadn¡¯t ever cared about him¡­

 CHAPTER 32: A YEAR WITHOUT YOU

    That year without Kate has flown damn slowly. Those ten months without her passed at a snail¡¯s pace, making Alex feel so unhappy and lonely. Yes, he felt damn lonely, even if he had often been surrounded by people: by the clients that crossed over the threshold of his coffee shop more often lately, hiding by the cold and reading in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot coffee in their hands; by his friends, who did everything to be with him; and even his family had been with Alex because they understood what a great pain was in Doyle¡¯s soul, something they hadn¡¯t ever felt so intensely in him before. That¡¯s why none of them wanted to leave Alex alone.


    Not that Doyle would have been capable of madness, no. All of them were sure that he was a grown man and capable of coping with his problems. Yet, they also felt, deep in their souls, that Alexander Doyle needed people around him at that moment and not loneliness, even if he often said that he was fine and would have loved to be left alone.


    He had that loneliness only in their cottage, on weekends when he could leave the coffee shop and run away from the mad world of Westport. Especially, Alex ran away from all this on New Year¡¯s Eve because he all of sudden got to hate seeing couples passing by him on the street. He hated seeing them holding hands, stealing a kiss from each other, or smiling at each other, as Kate had smiled at him so many times in those two months while they had known each other and he got to love her for an entire life.


    This run didn¡¯t help him feel better though. On the contrary, this intensified the agony in his soul because Kate¡¯s presence in that small wooden cottage, the one from the forest and the one that was so close to that mountain lake, was something deeply felt on his skin. Why exactly? Because of the kiss. Yes, that kiss, which he stole from her in front of the big window, after the dinner party. That kiss was bothering him inside and followed him everywhere like a ghost that had found light in him.


    He saw that kiss in his dreams, each time he could fall asleep. He saw it in the reflection of the glass of wine, which he got to sip from every evening in front of the fireplace. That kiss even got to appear as a reflection in the flames that danced around the logs in the fireplace, as though that mad fire would have wanted to intensify longing from his soul and the regrets at any cost - those that were blaming him because he didn¡¯t fully enjoy her lips, kissing them for an entire life if possible.


    Because of this, he got to feel the kiss in his arms each time he thought about Kate. He felt her perfume, something that reminded him often of summer flowers. Alex even got to feel the touch of her soft skin on his chest, slowly but surely unbuttoning his shirt as though she had mistaken him, even if it¡¯s been for a short time only, for the piano keys. At the same time, he felt the soft touch of that black dress when it fell at his feet, allowing him to see the splendor of her naked body in front of him. Thus, he had the right to touch the silk of her skin for longer¡­ the one of love that had a woman¡¯s body.


    ?Love that¡¯s present only in dreams today,¡± whispered Alex, slowly bowing his head. And, closing his eyes, for a short time only, he allowed agony to take over his soul, the one that was felt more intensely every day, even if time passed at a snail¡¯s pace lately.


    When the nostalgia took over him again, Alex was behind the counter, washing cups to have them clean when the clients would have asked for more coffee. Yet, that washing of the cups was something he bungled that day because his thoughts weren¡¯t at work for sure. Yet, he didn¡¯t have any other choice than to be there: he had to be there because Robert needed his help. He also needed to do something and stop thinking about what happened because those thoughts that spun in his head and reminded him of what happened about a year ago and of her were so insufferable.


    Yes, those thoughts had been with him all the time in the past year. They accompanied him on the street when he decided to have a walk with Mark, who managed to get out of that hospital bed and walk again, even if he had needed four long months of work and rehabilitation. Those thoughts were with him even when he spent some evenings with his family. And, even if it was joy all around or the music played, Alex¡¯s thoughts were also there, lurking at them from the shadows and calmly waiting for him to be alone again and hold him into their arms.


    Because of this, Alex got to be seen accompanied by someone more often lately. Particularly, he spent his time with Mark, whom he accompanied at all of his rehabilitation sessions. By doing this, he lied to himself and others that he was doing a favor to Erin, who turned back to work and didn¡¯t have enough time to stay with her fianc¨¦, because¡­ yes, Mark Flynn asked Erin to be his wife. Flynn did that so unexpectedly and much earlier than being sure he¡¯d walk again.


    Mark didn¡¯t do that because of selfishness but because he understood he loved her. Yes, he knew that he loved Erin Doyle like crazy, and since long ago. Yet, he didn¡¯t realize very soon that his love was so intense. Nevertheless, he¡¯d been forced to understand that so suddenly, one evening when he had a bad argument with Erin, whom he tried to push away from him to make sure she wouldn¡¯t suffer because of him. Thus, he upset Erin, who yelled at him through tears, ?Will my abandon make you happy, Flynn? Will you be really happy when I¡¯m not with you anymore?¡± Then, without waiting for his answer, Erin left, and she didn¡¯t come to see him for days.


    By doing this, Erin gave Mark the chance to think a lot about his life. He thought about this for days. Especially, he thought about his happiness all those days. Flynn also thought about all those long years of loneliness, which he lived in his home and among people, something he came to hate so much because he hadn¡¯t found peace and fulfillment anywhere.


    Mark found peace and fulfillment in Erin eventually. He realized this before the accident, even if they spent so little time together. Still, they have been so happy. Nevertheless, it¡¯s been enough for him to understand that she was his happiness and that life without her would have been so deserted. That¡¯s why he looked for her eventually, telling her when he saw her again, ?Be mine forever, Erin Doyle! Be my wife and not a simple passer-by in my life!¡±


    His proposal made Erin smile. Yet, she said nothing at that moment. She just tried to hide her happiness, one she¡¯d been dreaming of, happiness she was sure she¡¯d have one day because something told her that Mark would look for her again. Yet, her silence had one more reason: she wanted to let Mark know that his previous behavior upset her. She wanted to make him see that, although she wasn¡¯t upset anymore, and she stopped feeling upset the next day after she moved away from Mark. Erin even wanted to return next to him that day, but Alex didn¡¯t let her do that. Well, what made her understand that it was time for her and Mark to stay away from each other for a while were Alex¡¯s words, something he told her that evening at the hospital when she saw Mark crying and wanted to comfort him. That evening, Doyle told his sister, ?Just¡­ give him the time he needs. Thus, Flynn will find the way back to you alone.¡±


    It¡¯s been exactly as Doyle said. Yes, it really happened as he said because Mark returned to Erin and they have been happy since then, planning their wedding and happiness. A wedding that took place seven months after Kate¡¯s departure, and this had meant happiness even for Alex. It¡¯s when he could forget about Kate for a short time, and this happened because he¡¯d been so busy helping Mark with preparing that wedding. He even thought that he¡¯d completely forget her and would be able to live his life as he had done when he still didn¡¯t know her. Yet¡­ it wasn¡¯t meant to be because, during the wedding when he¡¯d seen Erin wearing that beautiful wedding dress, he imagined Kate wearing it instead of his sister.


    Doyle clearly saw Kate wearing that dress during Erin¡¯s wedding. She wasn¡¯t with Jonathan at the altar but with him. He dreamt of her as his bride because it was what the hopeless romantic that lived inside him had been dreaming of in his moments of happiness. Yet, so soon, his dream withered when he remembered that Kate had wedding plans before leaving Westport. That their wedding had probably taken place once she¡¯d been back to Dublin, and that she was already happy.


    His eyes filled with tears after such thoughts. Yet, only the eyes of his soul shed tears at that moment, and this happened because he tried hard not to ruin his elder sister¡¯s big day, who really found her soulmate, with whom she tied her destiny for her entire life. Because of Erin¡¯s happiness, Alex was also happy and fulfilled because he considered that he¡¯d been part of it. Alex thought about that even if he was sure that Erin didn¡¯t meet Mark because of him. Yet, once he and Flynn had been friends all those years, he allowed her to be close to Mark and saw what kind of man he was. At the same time, he gave Mark the chance to see Erin often, and each time he needed that. Thus, he kept his love for Erin alive because ?Out of sight, out of mind,¡± Alex thought when he understood that Kate¡¯s eyes hadn¡¯t seen him for months, and this meant oblivion in Doyle¡¯s mind.


    Well, the quote meant oblivion for others, but not for Alex. No, when Kate left and he stopped seeing her beautiful black eyes and her long chestnut hair, he got to love her more. He got to appreciate more those beautiful moments they had spent together, moments when he¡¯d been able to hold her hand for the first time when two strangers had bothered her on the street, moments when he¡¯d been with her to make sure she wouldn¡¯t be alone, and moments when they had stolen a kiss from each other.


    ?All these had been special moments,¡± Alex thought, finally finishing cleaning the cups. ?They have been special and will always be, even if those moments are only part of my memories. Even so, I¡¯ll keep them inside like holy relics. I¡¯ll do that even if she forgets them because all I want is for her to be happy.¡±


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    Alex really wanted her to be happy, even if she was in someone else¡¯s arms. He wanted her smiling and fulfilled. He wanted to think that she was a woman with a full life, even if she was another man¡¯s wife because¡­ ?It¡¯s why I love her with my heart and so purely. Yes, I love her with my heart and not only with my soul because she¡¯s a woman who deserves pure love and not only living with someone because of convenience.¡±


    ***


    A few days after that strange event from his coffee shop when thoughts took over Alex for so long and he completely forgot about cleaning the cups of coffee, the weather suddenly changed, and autumn started to act up¡­ at will. Thus, that weather got to shake the red leaves from above, those of the beginning of November, covering the autumn streets with a new reddish carpet this way, a carpet of different shades, in fact. Autumn was also sifting cold raindrops from above, rain that only the dawn of Westport in November could sift above the town. At the same time, it allowed the cold wind to playfully winnow on the streets, looking for a soul so similar to it¡­ just to make sure that it wouldn¡¯t be alone in those cold autumn days¡­


    Only Alex was alone though. He was alone in the coffee shop that morning, looking at the outside rain and at those tears that were dripping from above so majestically as though they had been piano keys touched by the soft fingers of an invisible goddess. It was a piece of good music that accompanied the dance of the red leaves that were falling from above, leaving the warm embrace of the branches for another cold hug - of the earth this time. Alex wasn¡¯t just staying in front of that big window, looking at the rain, but he also sipped the aroma of the fresh coffee from the white mug¡­ his favorite, a mug with two red lips painted on its white ceramic.


    Looking at those red lips, Alex smiled eventually. ?It feels as though I have her face between my palms, something that lures me to kiss them forever¡­ Those lips I¡¯ve been dreaming of kissing all these long months of solitude.¡±


    Yes, he¡¯d been dreaming about her lips all those months. He also dreamt of Kate because her absence suddenly stopped hurting him so much. It stopped feeling so painful from that day with the mugs. The reason? He also didn¡¯t know that. Only¡­ a strange thought that entered his mind and remained there, often whispering into his ear, ?It¡¯s November again, Alex! It¡¯s autumn again and maybe she¡¯ll come too!¡±


    Yet, Kate didn¡¯t come. The man was also sure that she wouldn¡¯t do that eventually. Kate wouldn¡¯t have come because he¡¯d been a coward that day when he let her go. Thus, he allowed her to leave his arms and rise in the air in the form of a free bird, which had only the horizon in front and not his face as the finish line.


    All this wasn¡¯t a problem for him anymore because he decided to be happy even without her. Nevertheless, Alex was sure that he wouldn¡¯t be able to forget her or love another woman. Just¡­ he decided to stop suffering because if he had always suffered while thinking about her, this would have meant betrayal for her for sure. Why exactly? Because¡­ this would have meant that she was an evil woman, one that had stolen his heart when she left and was stubborn to return it to him. Yet, she hadn¡¯t ever been mean to him, just as she hadn¡¯t ever stolen anything from him. Kate had just been there and charmed that hopeless romantic with her presence, making him love her for his entire life.


    ?For this, I have to be grateful to her forever and not sad,¡± the man whispered, closing his eyes and allowing nostalgia to take over him again, for a short time only. ?I have to be grateful to her because I got to know what real love means, love that I won¡¯t ever forget.¡±


    Undoubtedly, Alex wouldn¡¯t have ever forgotten her love because it was the only pure memory he had. It was a memory that made him smile eventually because the thoughts about her often made him smile and not sad. Such memories made him want to live it forever because, for him, those moments seemed so alike to those from the past¡­ from that red and rainy November¡­ which meant happiness, in fact.


    Suddenly, Alex winced when he opened his eyes and looked through the window again. Even his heart stopped in his chest for a few moments because¡­ he saw Her. Yes, it was undoubtedly her, who was slowly and secretly advancing on the autumn asphalt, barely touching the wet path, although she was proudly and confidently stepping on it¡­ on that wet asphalt, abundantly bathed by the tears that fell from above. Those were tears of happiness and tears that the man¡¯s soul had been shedding for months while staying in front of the big window of the coffee shop ?Aisling.¡±


    ?It¡¯s Kate!¡± Alex caught himself whispering all of a sudden. ?It¡¯s her! Yes, it¡¯s undoubtedly her!¡± And, forgetting about the cold weather and the cold raindrops, Alex ran out of the coffee shop, not taking the coat on his shoulders.


    He didn¡¯t have time to do that because his happiness turned back to him. Kate was there because her chestnut hair, which was falling like beautiful waves over her shoulders and breasts, those covered by a brown coat and a white dress under it, was something Alex knew very well. The man also knew that big umbrella, the color of the ripe cherries, because¡­ he¡¯d seen a similar umbrella at Kate a year ago when he¡¯d seen her in front of his coffee shop for the first time.


    Yet¡­ the tears from above suddenly bathed his soul and cheeks too because¡­ the woman he¡¯d seen on the street wasn¡¯t Kate. That woman wasn¡¯t also a memory or a vision he¡¯d seen through the big window of his coffee shop but a copy of her. ?A perfect copy,¡± as he caught himself whispering again. He was on the street at this time, a few meters from the entrance to the coffee shop, and staring at the young woman who made his heart wince again, even if she wasn¡¯t Kate.


    No, that woman wasn¡¯t Kate. She was just someone who looked like her: having similar hair and clothes. Also, that burgundy umbrella made him so similar. For the rest¡­ the two women were so different because Kate had white skin, the color of the milk when a cold light was bathing her body, and the color of the ripe peaches when that light was warm. Her copy instead had an olive skin and her eyes weren¡¯t as deep black as Kate¡¯s eyes. And, for that contrast to be more visible, Alex also realized that the hair of the new stranger was almost red and had nothing of those ripe chestnuts, a color deeply hidden in Kate¡¯s curls. And¡­ this new stranger was shorter and her walking wasn¡¯t the same as Kate¡¯s. Just¡­ ?An illusion and nothing more. Something that was born in my soul because of this killing longing¡­¡±


    Even so, understanding this sweet-cruel truth, because Kate was not there and she didn¡¯t turn back to him, Alex stood in that place for a very long time. Staying there, he looked behind the new stranger until this one disappeared on one of the side streets that led somewhere to the right of his coffee shop. Alex looked at her for so long because she still reminded him of that big love that he still wanted to come but wasn¡¯t coming.


    Eventually, seeing that the dress of the evening was seen everywhere, Alex smiled. He felt weird because he had allowed himself to be charmed by a vision. He¡¯d been so charmed that he left his coffee shop with no coat on his shoulders and looked at the horizon and at the silhouette of that woman for so long. Yes, all this was strange even for him because he was so in love that he got to forget all those principles that controlled his life all those years like the principle that ?a man never loses his head for a woman.¡±


    Nevertheless, he had forgotten all this ten months ago when he understood that what he felt for Kate wasn¡¯t just sympathy or admiration. He learned to love her then, and love is often forgetful when it wants. At the same time, Alex understood, in that past November, that happiness was something real and that it had really knocked on his door, even if it¡¯d been there for a short time only. Even so, he was meant to think about it for his entire life.


    He had to do that no matter what, and Alex was pretty sure of this. He had to think about his happiness and how happy he¡¯d been or would be. Yes, he had to do that but inside his coffee shop because the raindrops, which wet his white woolen pullover, felt too cold, just as the rain wet his blue jeans, which he chose to combine with the pullover.


    Feeling the autumn cold, Alex shivered, slowly rubbing his both arms with his palms. He did that, trying to warm up, at least while getting inside and changing his clothes with dry ones. Yet, before getting inside, Alex winced when he heard someone¡¯s voice behind him, calling his name, ?Alexander Doyle?¡±


    Looking behind him, where he¡¯d heard his name called by someone, Alex saw a man insistently looking at him: the mailman. Seeing him there, Alex was so amazed because he realized that he wasn¡¯t waiting for any package or letter and neither did he ask for this service to send something to someone. A strange thought that made him smile again because, you see, ?Who sends letters by post nowadays?¡±


    Even if he understood this, Alex said nothing about that. He only nodded, approving to the mailman that he was the man that one was looking for. Then, he signed for the package he received and held the small box to his chest after this. A package with a strange address on it, one from Dublin, but without the name of the sender on it. Yet, even if receiving that package was something weird for him, Alex still held that package to his chest. Why? Because he felt that it was what he¡¯d been waiting for in those past ten months.


    Thus, holding the package in his arms, Alex finally entered the coffee shop. He didn¡¯t go to change his wet clothes for dry ones, even if he felt them sticking to his body and making him suddenly shudder because of the warm air from inside. On the contrary, Alex seemed to have forgotten about them. He just approached the counter where he found a small knife used for opening envelopes and packages, and cut the tape that kept it closed.


    Opening that box, Alex frowned. This happened because there weren¡¯t any presents or small things as he expected to find inside it, but a book. It was a book with a white cover and a beautiful lady with chestnut hair portrayed on it¡­ A lady who was sipping from a cup of coffee and seemed so happy in that image. The book had also a title Alex loved right away and something that made him smile eventually, ?The Coffee Has Your Smell,¡± by Kathleen O¡¯Connell.¡±


    Reading the name of the author down the cover, Alex winced again. ?Well, I see now that she not only loves reading books but also writing them. She finally decided to open her soul and put it on a white sheet of paper, writing about her beautiful feelings. Nice, Kate! Really nice because¡­ it means you are happy now.¡±


    He was also happy at that moment. He was as happy as he hadn¡¯t ever been because he understood that he did great when he allowed her to freely fly toward the sun, away from him. Thus, Kate had the chance to fulfill that big dream she had and embrace happiness. She also had time to write a book and not only think about sadness. A book that Alex tightly held into his arms after he opened it and read those few lines written there for him, right on the first page, ?I wished you had dared to stop me that day, Alex! I wish we had been together now¡­¡±

 CHAPTER 33: LOSING A FRIEND

    That rainy evening when the mailman brought him Kate¡¯s present, a perfect present in Alex¡¯s opinion, with a book launch invitation among its pages, Alex had another surprise from life. An unpleasant surprise at this time because he found out, from Logan Farrell, the mutual friend he had with Mark and Lucas Murphy, that ?the poet¡± went toward a new world to write news from there for all those he loved in life. Thus, because of Murphy¡¯s death, Alex had been so confused and stood for a very long time on a chair, staring in front, at a blind spot, but seeing nothing in fact.


    He wasn¡¯t alone in the coffee shop but with Farrell and Mark, who joined them eventually. Mark was standing in front of the fireplace, staring at the flames as though trying to burn the pain in his soul in them. Logan instead was crying so much at that moment. He cried all the tears he couldn¡¯t shed in life, and he did that because he really cared about the poet, whom he considered his brother. Yet, both life and fate had been so cruel to him because Lucas lost his life in an explosion only two days before turning back home.


    ?He died in a surprise explosion. Their car has blown a hidden mine when the tire has passed over it,¡± the commander of the battalion, which Murphy joined after getting to Syria to protect his life, told Farrell by phone. Actually, the commander called Farrell to tell him about this at Murphy¡¯s request because Lucas had trusted only Logan for such news if they had been real someday.


    Murphy had trusted his dear friend for something like that, but Logan didn¡¯t trust himself. The reason? He was too hurt to understand that he lost someone he cared about, someone he loved with all his heart, and someone he wouldn¡¯t have seen after that anymore. A dear friend who had lost the battle with life, a friend who made Farrell hate everything eventually because, you see, ?Only two days were left,¡± he shouted eventually, making the empty coffee shop resound that night. There weren¡¯t clients because Alex closed the place when he¡¯d seen Farrell entering the coffee shop, eyes bathed by tears.


    Seeing Logan looking like that, Alex understood right away that something bad happened. Yes, a tragedy happened without a doubt if Farrell looked like that because tears bathed Logan Farrell¡¯s eyes only when his heart was bleeding. Not a wrong thought was this in fact, and Alex understood this when Farrell told him about the tragic and unexpected death of the poet, who would be lead on the last road through life a few days after that, after his body would have been brought back home. Yes, they were waiting for the poet to be brought back to his hometown, to that house that he left behind a year ago when he went away, trying to hide from love, managing to embrace only the cold body of Death instead and not happiness and peace.


    This new thought filled Alex¡¯s eyes with tears. Not only his eyes cried at that moment but also his soul, just as his wet clothes were shedding tears because he had forgotten to change them for dry ones after he entered the coffee shop. Alex had forgotten about this. He undoubtedly forgot about his clothes because he¡¯d been so happy at first. Then, so suddenly, seconds only after embracing happiness, it turned into tears when he found out about one of his best friends¡¯death.


    It hurt him so much. All this hurt like hell after that because life took from him again someone he cared about. Life took from him a dear friend, even if they hadn¡¯t ever been such close friends. Or maybe they¡¯d been close? Alex wasn¡¯t that sure. All he knew was that his soul was torn apart and broken into pieces because of the thought that ?Murphy won¡¯t ever turn back to us, just as happiness won¡¯t ever do that again.¡±


    All these hurt him more than his breakup with Kate had hurt him ten months ago. It undoubtedly hurt him more because, you see, he still could see Kate one day¡­ when he would have decided to go to see her. With Murphy was different though because he was already history and his best friend had no chance to turn back. ?Yes, I won¡¯t ever see him again. I won¡¯t hear his naive voice anymore as I¡¯ve heard it each time he sadly talked to us about the women who felt nothing for him because he was a poet. He was really naive. Murphy was so naive because he always fell in love with beauty, even if he was sure that it wouldn¡¯t have made him happy. If he had forgotten about this instead¡­¡±


    Yet, it wasn¡¯t that easy for Murphy to forget. It wasn¡¯t easy to forget the love in particular and Alex knew that very well. He also suffered because of love in the last few months and he knew that one can¡¯t leave behind him, no matter what he would do, sincere and pure love. He can¡¯t forget it for sure, not when his heart still beats in the rhythm of her heart, even if she¡¯s far away from him and even if he knows that she won¡¯t come after that to see him, hold his hand, or make sure that he is still there, fine, and able to kiss her sweet lips each time she needs that.


    ?And¡­ did his lips feel love?¡± Alex suddenly whispered, making Mark wince. Farrell instead kept crying, as though he didn¡¯t hear Doyle¡¯s question. This silence didn¡¯t bother Alex, who kept looking in front, at the sandstone floor. Then, wiping his tears, he said again, ?I was wondering if he kissed the lips of the one he loved so much. Lucas must have loved her so much if he¡¯d been able to die for her.¡±


    ?Does this matter now?¡± Mark asked while watching his friend. ?I don¡¯t think so. I mean¡­ I don¡¯t think he has kissed the lips of the one he¡¯s been in love with. And, even if he did that, Lucas took this truth with him to the grave. Not only this: he also took his memories with him, even if they were sad.¡±


    ?He didn¡¯t do that though,¡± Logan took his two friends by surprise when he whispered that, and he managed to surprise them because they thought he wasn¡¯t listening to them. ?He hadn¡¯t ever kissed that girl, even if he wanted that so much.¡±


    ?How do you know that?¡± Alex asked in a shaking voice, insistently looking at Farrell.


    Logan kept looking at his hands, which he continuously touched, being late in answering that question. Only in the end when the fountain of tears dried inside him, Logan whispered, ?I saw her.¡±


    ?You¡¯ve seen her? When?¡± Mark asked, confused. He couldn¡¯t feel different when he knew that even if Farrell and Murphy had been close friends, he hadn¡¯t ever expected to find out that Lucas could share some intimate things with Logan. It was really strange for Mark to realize that because he knew that Farrell was a strange guy, someone who loved freedom too much, and, because of this, he seemed detached from everything in life. At the same time, his friends knew Logan as a ?broken mouth,¡± someone who couldn¡¯t keep secrets from others, especially if they didn¡¯t belong to them. That¡¯s why it was difficult for Flynn to think about Lucas and his confidence to talk to Logan about his love.


    In fact, Murphy hadn¡¯t ever done that. He hadn¡¯t ever told Logan about the girl who had stolen his heart and whom he¡¯d loved with so much passion that he went to the battlefield to make sure he¡¯d forget her, and all this because she rejected him. Yes, Murphy loved her without a doubt, even if he told Alex that evening that he¡¯d been in love with another girl, with Samantha, a former colleague, whom he¡¯d been in love with since high school, but who married another man. Or¡­ did he love them both so much? Farrell wasn¡¯t that sure. He just found out about Lucas¡¯s new love by pure chance one evening when he went with some friends to a terrace to have a beer and saw Murphy there.


    Lucas didn¡¯t see Farrell that night, and this happened because he was too focused on what he was doing: on a sheet of paper from his notebook, which he used to write his poems in when the lyrics stopped being stubborn and allowed the poet to write them down. Not this made Farrell attentive that night but the fact that Lucas¡¯s eyes spied on the beauty again¡­ one of the waitresses¡­ A young beautiful girl with red hair and with eyes that stole the color of the fresh herbs. A woman who seemed to have completely charmed him, but whom Lucas couldn¡¯t make his because she seemed a free soul and not the woman of a single man.


    Logan not only knew that young woman, whose name was Maria, but he also talked to her a few times. He did that for a short time, playfully only because it was Logan¡¯s manner of talking to the girls. Well, Farrell used to talk to the girls like that because he knew that it was a sure method to get to a woman¡¯s heart and then, why not, into her bed. Maria was different though because, even if she gave him the feeling that she was a free spirit and at all bothered to spend some time with him, she still didn¡¯t allow him to get to the end with her, just as she hadn¡¯t ever allowed anyone to love her from close. She only allowed the clients and other men who seemed to love her to do that from far away and hassle-free. And, why not, no strings attached too.


    Probably because of her way of being¡­ one cold and another one hot¡­ she managed to conquer the poet¡¯s heart. Even so, even if he found out that Lucas liked Maria, Logan hadn¡¯t ever found out when or where Murphy had seen her for the first time. In fact, he didn¡¯t even ask his friend about this detail when they talked to each other about this subject. This happened the day Lucas went to Syria, and Logan did that because he felt that he had to do that. Thus, Farrell found out about Lucas¡¯s feelings, that he loved Maria on the sly, and that she hadn¡¯t ever been in love with him¡­ At least, she hadn¡¯t ever looked at him as a man or as a possible suitor to her heart and hand.


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    The two men first talked about this the night Farrell had seen Murphy on that terrace, writing poems, and having his eyes on the Spanish Maria, about whom he found out, from common acquaintances, that she came there on a scholarship visa, and that she worked at that terrace for extra cash. That evening, when he saw Murphy finally leaving the terrace, once Maria¡¯s shift was over and she left in a rush, Logan followed his friend. He didn¡¯t lose sight of Murphy or leave him alone for a very long time. Only when Murphy told him about his feelings, did Farrell leave him alone. Why did Logan do that? Because he felt that the poet was sad. Yes, he felt deep sadness in his soul and he felt that because Murphy¡¯s eyes never lied to him.


    Lucas¡¯s eyes didn¡¯t lie to Logan, not even when both of them were at the docks, supporting themselves on the iron railing with beautiful ornaments on it, and looking at the red sunset of November. Then, looking into the distance, where he saw his sad life, Lucas told his friend, ?She won¡¯t ever accept me by her side.¡±


    ?Why? Is this because she doesn¡¯t feel the same for you?¡±


    ?Yes,¡± Murphy gave him a short answer, sighing after this.


    ?Did she say that to you looking into your eyes or this is something you only imagined?¡±


    ?She told me that,¡± whispered Lucas. ?She told me that the day I finally dared to talk to her about my feelings. A few days ago.¡±


    ?And?¡± Logan asked after a few minutes of waiting. ?How did she explain to you her rejection? Is she married or in love with another man?¡±


    ?Worse,¡± whispered Murphy, eyes bathed by tears. ?She said she can¡¯t love. Not me.¡±


    ?Did you believe her?¡±


    ?Yes, when she told me that, I believed her. Not today, not after I¡¯ve seen her stealing a kiss from another man.¡±


    Lucas didn¡¯t tell Farrell the name of the man from whom Maria had stolen a kiss that day. He didn¡¯t say that to anybody, in fact. He just joined the army as a war correspondent, intending to go to Syria and forget her. Lucas didn¡¯t tell his friends about this either. He just announced to them about this a day before leaving, giving them a trivial reason for that, ?The calling of fate because fate itself is calling me there.¡± He told them this in the same poetic manner that he had often used to talk to them.


    Even so, his friends guessed the reason for that sudden departure. Nevertheless, none of them told him anything about this. They just respected his decision. The only one who had been against Murphy¡¯s crazy idea of going to Syria was Farrell. He even scolded his friend for being stupid and risking his life for a girl who didn¡¯t feel the same as he felt. Farrell even scolded his friend for wasting his talent when he should have stood home and written poems and books, as every suffering poet was generally doing, writing masterpieces because of the pain of their souls. Murphy instead preferred the risk and venture among bullets instead of grabbing the pencil and writing poems. Thus, he also chose that path toward nowhere instead of the path of Glory.


    ***


    Lucas Murphy¡¯s funeral had been really modest, as he wished and as he asked for in the last letter he wrote for his parents. A letter they got after his death, which Lucas wrote in case life would have been cruel to him and never gave him the chance to turn back to them from Syria. ?As though he felt that this would happen,¡± his poor mother said through tears, bent over his coffin because she couldn¡¯t hold him to her chest after that explosion, crying the pain of her soul only this way.


    Not only did his friends cry at Lucas¡¯s funeral but also Maria. Alex saw her among those who came to say goodbye to the poet. Who asked her to come or why she came he didn¡¯t find out, just as Doyle didn¡¯t even try to find out. He only looked at her for a while. Alex insistently looked at her, by the way, not even trying to hide his curiosity because he hadn¡¯t ever expected to see her there. Particularly, Alex hadn¡¯t expected to see her shedding tears for Murphy and stay away from the others, seeming to have had feelings for Lucas, somehow silently and from far away, just as only the muses of the poets could love their idol.


    Eventually, Alex saw her leaving. She carefully withdrew from the crowd, and she did that before leaving that white flower she¡¯d brought with her on the grave. Maria took that flower with her, as a kind of memory of the one who had loved her with all his heart. Yes, Murphy had loved her and he also told her that. Yet, her heart was too in love with someone else at that moment and too stubborn to accept his love.


    Something she regretted eventually. Even so, she didn¡¯t say to anybody about this, just as she hadn¡¯t ever told anybody that she¡¯d been cruel the day she rejected Lucas. She told him that day, ?I won¡¯t ever love you and you should better forget your love for me.¡± Words that burnt her soul at that moment when she moved away from the grave, quickening her pace eventually to leave faster¡­ Yes, Maria wanted to leave behind her that eternal place where a soul that sincerely loved her would have spent eternity¡­ without her.


    Yet, even if she didn¡¯t tell someone about her feelings, Alex seemed to have understood them, and he understood that judging by her hunched shoulders while she moved away from them. At the same time, he saw her beautiful body, perfectly outlined by the black outfit she wore at that moment, ?A body Lucas loved until his death and which he¡¯ll love even after his death, I¡¯m sure of this. A body that made him both sad and happy because it¡¯s not easy to know that the one you love body and soul is someone else¡¯s in fact.¡±


    ***


    ?You know, Doyle, I thought a lot about her in these few months since I¡¯m here,¡± Lucas Murphy started the letter he intended to send to Alex, but which he couldn¡¯t send eventually because, only a few hours after he wrote it, he passed away. A letter that finally got to Doyle after the funeral, a letter given to him by Murphy¡¯s brother, Stephan, who received all of Lucas¡¯s stuff from those who had been with him in Syria.


    In that letter and through everything Murphy wrote to him, Alex found himself. This especially happened after he read those first lines where Lucas told him, ?I thought about her and of her refusal. Thus, I realized that my failure had nothing to do with the fact that she didn¡¯t have feelings for me but because I didn¡¯t know how to love her better.¡±


    Alex smiled. ?You didn¡¯t know how to love her better? Are you sure, bro? You went to Syria because of her, just to make sure you¡¯ll forget her.¡±


    As though anticipating his thoughts, Lucas replied to him in that letter, ?I didn¡¯t leave for her or because of her, even if I thought this at first.¡± Lines that made Alex wince and then frown. ?If I put distance between us was because it was the only way I had to forget her. Yet, it wasn¡¯t meant to be this way because distance doesn¡¯t help you to forget when you still wear the woman¡¯s silhouette and perfume in your heart. Particularly, this doesn¡¯t help you to forget her when you feel danger so close to you and death follows you in your footsteps. On the contrary, in such moments, you get to think more often about her. You get to kid yourself¡­ You come to dream of having her in your arms, kiss her soft lips, and deeply breathe in the scent of her black curls, something that reminds you of mint and Flowers of May. You also get to wonder what the future would have been if you had known to choose the right way toward her heart or if she hadn¡¯t refused you. You get to imagine a beautiful life together and a family, Alex. At least this happened to me since I¡¯m here: I got to see her close to me always and I decided - if I turn back from here alive and if Fate allows me to see her again, I¡¯ll hold her in my arms and kiss her. I swear I¡¯ll do that because it¡¯s the only way I¡¯ll start feeling that I¡¯ve lived enough and lived this life so intensely.¡±


    Reading these lines, Alex smiled. Then, he looked into the distance again¡­ at that beautiful sea, which looked so perfect while it was bathed by the weak sun of November. He wasn¡¯t at the docks, but somewhere on a hill, sitting on dry grass, even if it was wet because it had been raining a lot in the last few days. Even so, Alex didn¡¯t care too much about this or that he wet his coat while sitting on that grass, just as he didn¡¯t care about the fact that he was alone there when he read Murphy¡¯s letter. Why? Because¡­ that place was Lucas¡¯s soul place, one that he loved so much when he was still alive, and he loved that place because, from there, he could see the limitless of the world, that limitless found overseas.


    Actually, by being there, Alex felt Murphy¡¯s presence so alive. He wasn¡¯t imagining things because he was aware that the poet wasn¡¯t alive anymore and that it was weird to feel him there. Yet, he felt him there. It seemed as though Lucas was with him, sitting on the same wet dry grass and looking into the distance just as Alex did. At this time, Murphy wasn¡¯t sad but smiled. He was happy as though he had finally found peace and happiness.


    ?Maybe you finally found it, my friend,¡± Alex whispered after many minutes of silence. ?Maybe you¡¯ll also find love, something you¡¯ve always dreamt of. Yet, it¡¯ll be in another life. I hope you¡¯ll find it, Lucas. I really hope that this will happen one day because your kind soul deserves to be loved by someone and for you to love that person.¡±


    That imaginary Lucas, whom Alex felt close to him, didn¡¯t answer though. He only smiled, and Alex felt it with his heart. Then, Lucas looked at Alex with pleading eyes, as though he would have begged Doyle to return to the letter about which he had forgotten, a letter that had still a lot of things to reveal to Doyle, things like¡­ ?Never give up on your happiness, Doyle. Don¡¯t give up on the woman who made your eyes often smile. Yes, your eyes really smiled that day when you let me know that a woman had stolen your heart. That¡¯s why, if you really love her and want to make her happy, never give her to someone else. Just keep her close to you. Why? Because you are the only one who can make her happy. Yes, Alex, you can make her happy, giving her that happiness you wish for you, something that another man won¡¯t ever be able to give her, just as another man won¡¯t ever love her as you do. Yes, maybe he¡¯ll be able to love her more, but¡­ it won¡¯t be the same without you¡­ That love you are often dreaming of will be different because¡­ she¡¯ll be in someone else¡¯s arms and not in yours¡­¡±


    These lines made Alex think. They also turned him sad and then melancholic, turning him into a dreamer eventually. He couldn¡¯t feel different when he knew that Lucas had been right in writing those words because only a sincere man, a man who had lost his love for someone else, knew what real love meant and gave pieces of good advice to other men, who he had seen so in love¡­

 CHAPTER 34: P.S. I MISSED YOU

    ?Miss O¡¯Connell, there is someone here to see you,¡± her assistant Irene told Kate.


    Hearing that someone was looking for her, Kate winced. She didn¡¯t look at the door though but at her small purse inside which she was gathering her few things at that moment because she was getting ready to leave after the launch of the book had been successful. She didn¡¯t go right after the launch finished, although she had enough dinner invitations, and she did that because she¡¯d been waiting for one more person to come and ask for her autograph next to that ?I wish you had stopped me that day¡­¡±


    Yet, Alex didn¡¯t come. She clearly saw that because she looked at the door all those four hours while the launch of the book took place. Kate even looked at that door while she was signing autographs. That door, although it had been opened on several occasions, didn¡¯t let the one whom her heart was waiting to enter through it. Yet, being among so many people, who were waiting to greet her and asking for her autograph, Kate didn¡¯t allow herself to be sad or shed tears. She didn¡¯t allow herself this until the moment she heard her assistant telling her that someone was looking for her and thought that Fate smiled at her again, allowing happiness to knock on her door one more time.


    Looking at the door though, Kate didn¡¯t see Alex but Jonathan. Yes, it wasn¡¯t a mirage and Ward was there to congratulate her, although, before that, he sent her flowers only with the courier, flowers sent by his secretary Susan at his command. And, looking at the bouquet in his hands, Kate understood how different those flowers were from all those bouquets received before - Jonathan brought her a bouquet of red roses while she had received only chrysanthemums before that.


    Seeing the flowers, Kate winced because she couldn¡¯t understand their message. At the same time, she couldn¡¯t understand at all why Ward was there because that one wasn¡¯t either the time or the place to see each other again. Not after they said goodbye to each other ten months ago.


    Who terminated the relationship had been Kate, even if she¡¯d been the one fighting for that love for years. Even so, she cut the thread of their relationship so suddenly. This happened after they got to the airport in Dublin and were heading toward Jonathan¡¯s car. It¡¯s when Kate grabbed him by the arm, stopping him. Then, saying nothing to him, she asked Ward¡¯s assistant to give her the hand baggage.


    ?Are you going somewhere?¡± Jonathan asked her then, looking at her, confused. He was definitely confused because, instead of hearing an answer from Kate, she asked his assistant for a small piece of paper where she wrote an address, asking this one to send the rest of her luggage there.


    Only after finishing giving instructions to Ward¡¯s assistant did Kate approach Jonathan. And, looking into his eyes, she calmly said, ?Home! I¡¯m going home, Jonathan!¡±


    Ward smiled. ?We are home, right?! I mean, we are in Dublin now and, if we get in the car, we¡¯ll finally get home.¡±


    ?No,¡± Kate confidently said. ?Starting today, I¡¯m going only home¡­ my home. Starting today, our roads split because¡­ I can¡¯t continue like that.¡±


    ?You can¡¯t continue what?¡± Ward asked her in an irritated tone, also confused.


    ?This hoax,¡± Kate hissed through her teeth, although she was trying hard to maintain calm. In fact, she wasn¡¯t struggling for that to happen because she was really calm. Not even she knew the reason for that strange calmness in her soul¡­ a calmness people generally feel after a long time of agony.


    ?Hoax?¡± Ward almost shouted at her after hearing her answer. Thus, he made the other passengers, who were heading or coming from the airport, look at them in amazement. ?Does it seem to you that what we live is a hoax? Our relationship? Our love? The plans that we have? For God¡¯s sake, Kathleen O¡¯Connell, we are about to get married.¡±


    ?Yes,¡± Kate replied. She was disappointed this time. ?We are about to get married. At least¡­ we¡¯d been until yesterday¡­ until the dinner party and what I saw in the parking lot.¡±


    Jonathan winced, looking around, scared. Then, seeing his assistant staring at them, he made a sign to the young man to move away from them. Only after that did Ward take a step toward Kate, whispering to her, ?You saw¡­ what?¡±


    ?You¡­ in her arms.¡± Jonathan swallowed hard, and Kate saw this very well - his Adam¡¯s apple nervously moving up and down the neck. This gesture made her smile again and feel herself a winner. Then, taking her engagement ring off, she put it into his palm, saying, ?That¡¯s why, if you prefer to spend your time with her and not with me, this ring should belong to her.¡±


    Turning her back to him, Kate wanted to go. Thus, she managed to make Jonathan wince. Soon after this, angry, he followed her, grabbing her arm to stop her when he finally caught up with her. ?Have you lost your mind?¡± He hissed through his teeth after that. ?Or¡­ what the hell happens to you if you want to terminate this relationship, Kate? We¡¯ve been fighting for this relationship for years. Do you really want to ruin everything for nothing?¡±


    ?Not for nothing, Jonathan. For a dream.¡±


    ?For a dream? What the hell are you talking about at this time, Kate?¡±


    ?I talk about the dream I had a few nights ago. A dream where I was happy, you know? Happy, but not with you.¡±


    Jonathan winced. ?Were you with him?¡± He nervously asked through his teeth this time. ?Were you with him in that dream?¡±


    Kate didn¡¯t say anything. She just smiled. Then, she whispered, ?I was alone with my happiness, Jonathan. That¡¯s all¡­ you have to know. So¡­ let¡¯s stop hurting each other, Jonathan Ward. Let¡¯s stop suffering because of an impossible thing. We both know this and very well, by the way: that our relationship isn¡¯t meant to work, not as long as I¡¯m staying home, waiting for you, and you are with her.¡±


    ?It was a mistake,¡± he said right away. ?It happened only once. I won¡¯t do that again, I promise.¡±


    ?No, Jonathan! It¡¯s not a simple mistake, just as it hasn¡¯t happened only once. I know everything. I know that you care about her and she cares about you. At the same time, I realize that if you keep clinging to me, it is because of Esther. That¡¯s why, I won¡¯t deny anything if you tell your mother that I¡¯m the cause for the failure of our relationship. And¡­ I suggest you do the same as I do: live your life as you want. Love the one you want to love and not the one Esther wants you to love.¡±


    ?You know very well that what you are asking me to do is an impossible thing.¡±


    ?Not as long as you really care about her. Not as long as she loves you. When there is love between two hearts, and when everything is perfect, you can overcome any obstacle¡­ Just¡­ holding hands and loving each other, you can do that, Jonathan: not cheating on the one with whom you officially are engaged, and not with me.¡±


    Saying this, Kate left that day. She didn¡¯t look back even for a second or regretted that. On the contrary, she felt so free at that moment, she felt happy and she smiled. She felt as though a huge rock vanished from her heart, just as she stopped feeling the burden of the engagement ring she had worn for so long on her finger, a ring she wore at first thinking that their relationship would work. Then, she wore it because she was so stubborn and couldn¡¯t accept the truth. ?A truth that released me eventually when I accepted it. A truth I hope will make me happy one day.¡±


    ***


    ?Honestly, I didn¡¯t expect you here,¡± Kate told Ward, taking the bouquet from him, which she left next to the other bouquets she received that day. By doing this, she finally noticed the wedding ring on Ward¡¯s finger, something that made her smile. ?Just as I didn¡¯t expect you to follow my advice.¡±


    ?I didn¡¯t,¡± said Ward right away. His words made Kate confused and insistently look at him. ?I mean¡­ I didn¡¯t marry Susan but another woman.¡±


    Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    ?Because of Esther?¡±


    ?No. Because of something I felt. Yes, I finally understood that she wasn¡¯t my happiness, even if we both felt so well together. Me and Susan, I mean.¡±


    ?The reason?¡±


    ?Just¡­ I realized I didn¡¯t love her. She felt the same for me. We looked for each other at that moment because of loneliness because¡­ even if I didn¡¯t want to accept that, I felt lonely in my relationship with you, Kate.¡±


    Weirdly, but such words didn¡¯t hurt Kate at that moment. Yes, she didn¡¯t feel bad hearing Ward saying that he felt alone in their relationship because ?I felt the same,¡± she told him. ?I felt the same all the years we¡¯ve been together. Yet, I can¡¯t deny that we¡¯ve had beautiful moments too.¡±


    ?It wasn¡¯t enough for any of us though,¡± said Ward, smiling. ?Just as I have to accept that I¡¯ve been an idiot and a bastard for not fighting with you for that relationship. Something I intend to do now because Aylin deserves that. My wife, I mean.¡±


    Kate smiled. ?Yes, she deserves that. Even if I don¡¯t know her, I feel she deserves to be happy and make you happy. And¡­ I actually see you happy, Jonathan.¡±


    ?What about you, Kate?¡± Ward asked her after a few moments of silence and insistently looking at her. ?Are you happy now?¡±


    His question flustered Kate. She felt this because she didn¡¯t know what to answer. Kate didn¡¯t know that because even if she felt fulfilled after launching her book and that she finally found her own path in life, she didn¡¯t know if she was happy. That¡¯s why she only stuttered eventually, ?As you see.¡± Then, she looked around at all those stands with her photos and books, stands that were waiting to be taken from there by the organizers once Kate had left.


    ?I don¡¯t mean that, Kate. I¡¯m talking about you in general. I am talking about him too. Did you see him again?¡± Kate shook her head. ?Why?¡±


    ?I don¡¯t know. It wasn¡¯t meant to be or I still didn¡¯t have the chance. Anyway, not this is important now but the fact that I¡¯m here now.¡±


    Kate kept silent after this. She felt weird talking to Jonathan about her happiness. And it was really weird, especially after finding out that he could find his happiness so quickly without her while she was still dreaming of being happy with another man.


    ***


    The red leaves, those autumn and longing leaves, fell from above in circles, lying far away in front of Kate¡¯s footsteps. Thus, the leaves allowed her eyes to see something really beautiful at that moment - the beauty of fall that surrounded her from everywhere. She also saw people everywhere around her, people who smiled at her because, so suddenly, she was someone they seemed to know. People whom Kate also smiled at, although, before that, she carelessly passed by them so many times before.


    Yet, Kate had an excuse for having done that before - she suffered. She suffered at that moment too. Nevertheless, her suffering was different now because, before that, when she lived with Jonathan, she suffered because she always waited for him. Yes, she also waited after that for her happiness to knock on her door again. However, something was different and sure at this time: she knew that her happiness might not come back to her one day. Even so, even if this had happened, Kate wouldn¡¯t have been unhappy because she already knew that happiness isn¡¯t always a product made by our hands.


    Knowing this, Kate felt released, even if she¡¯d been waiting all those months before the book launch. All those months she hoped that Alex would come to see her that day. She hoped to at least make peace between them if their love wasn¡¯t something meant to be. She dreamt of this for so long - to terminate a platonic relationship, which was real only in her head, a relationship for which she wrote thousands of screenplays in her head. Yet, Alex chose not to come that day, ending her useless waiting this way.


    In fact, Kate would have liked their relationship to be different. She would have liked to be like in her book. She would have liked to be kissed and held into his arms, to be told that he also missed her and that he would have liked to have her with him forever, just as Novak told Helen in her book. Yet, Alex wasn¡¯t Novak, and neither did he have his courage¡­ At least Alex didn¡¯t dare to fight for their relationship and love.


    ?Why would he have done that?¡± Kate asked in her head, still looking at the ground and at the red leaves that covered it. ?Why would he have done that when I¡¯ve been a coward myself and preferred to send him a package by post instead of giving that book in person and asking him to stay with me forever?¡±


    Her black stiletto shoes, which she had been inseparable from in the last few months, suddenly stopped when her eyes saw the top of two white male sports shoes that were stopped only two steps from her. Raising her glance, Kate saw his jeans pants, of a light blue, which the man wore at that moment, and the edge of his light brown coat he wore on his shoulders. Under that coat, she saw a pullover, the color of the milk coffee, and the sharp edges of the collar of the white shirt he wore under that pullover. The white of the shirt outlined his blue eyes like the clear sky and his almost blond hair that so beautifully shone in the weak light of the November sun.


    A smile. Not Kate smiled but Alex, seeing her because Kate seemed strange at that moment. Why exactly? She looked at him as though she saw a ghost or the vision of someone. She wasn¡¯t scared but confused only, probably wondering if he was real or imaginary.


    ?Still, I am,¡± the man told her, smiling. ?I¡¯m real, I mean, and not a vision as you seem to have thought about me.¡±


    ?No,¡± replied Kate, flustered. ?I just¡­ hadn¡¯t expected to see you here. I just¡­¡±


    ?¡­you probably thought if I came to your book launch.¡±


    ?Something like that. Anyway, you didn¡¯t come. I mean¡­ you didn¡¯t show up there because I looked around all the time while I signed autographs. Nevertheless, I didn¡¯t see your eyes.¡±


    ?I¡¯ve been well hidden then,¡± he said, smiling again. His answer made Kate even more confused than before.


    ?What you try to say is that you¡¯ve been in the hall?¡±


    ?I was!¡±


    ?In the hall where I signed autographs?¡± Alex nodded. ?Why didn¡¯t you say anything then? Why didn¡¯t you approach me? More than that, why didn¡¯t you let me know that you were there?¡±


    ?Because it wasn¡¯t the time.¡±


    ?The time for what?¡± She asked both irritated and confused because she really couldn¡¯t understand what he was thinking about at that moment.


    Alex smiled. ?The moment to show up in front of you. Why? Because today is only about you, Kate. Not about the woman Kate but about Kathleen O¡¯Connell, the writer, the one who deserves the love of the fans and their attention.¡±


    ?Yet, I don¡¯t deserve your love, it seems to me,¡± Kate whispered in her head, turning sad after this. Then, she loudly said, ?Still, I would have liked you to come. To approach me and ask for my autograph, like any other fan.¡±


    ?Why should I have done that?¡± Alex asked her, smiling. ?I¡¯m not just another fan. At least I think I¡¯m not. Just as I think I deserve to have my autograph signed in private. That¡¯s why I¡¯m here.¡±


    ?You are here?¡± Kate asked him, both scared and flustered. ?Do you mean you followed me all the way here?¡±


    Alex nodded. ?I¡¯ve always kept an eye on you! Today, I mean.¡±


    She winced. ?Even when I talked to Jonathan?¡±


    ?Even when you talked to him. I was in a corner at that moment, calmly waiting for my turn.¡±


    ?Are you a stalker or something?¡± Kate asked him. She was a little irritated and confused.


    ?Just¡­ another fan,¡± he told her, giving her the book she¡¯d sent to him. ?An in-love one,¡± he whispered in his head this time. Then, loudly he told her, ?Sign on the first page, right under the lines you wrote to me when you¡¯ve sent me the book.¡±


    Taking the book from his hand, Kate froze for a few moments. She looked as if she didn¡¯t know what to do because his words seemed indifferent, even if she felt that there was something more hidden in them. At the same time, she felt something strange that made her heart wince, waiting for something else¡­ for another outcome or maybe for happiness.


    Eventually, understanding that it seemed pathetic for her to keep holding that book from one side, and he from the other side, Kate pulled the book toward her. She didn¡¯t open it right away but looked for a pen in her purse, finding none eventually. Kate couldn¡¯t find a pen, even if she knew that she should have worn one all the time once she had to sign autographs at any moment now. For this, she had to sneak one into each purse she had. Yet, once she couldn¡¯t find any between her things, she had to take the one Alex gave her eventually, a pen he took out of his chest pocket. After that, smiling, even if she did that because she felt a little weird, and she felt that because she wasn¡¯t used to signing autographs for those she loved, Kate opened the book at the first page where she wanted to sign under those lines she¡¯d written a few weeks ago.


    Opening the book, Kate froze again. It happened because she saw not only two lines written by her hand, which she wrote there when she decided to send that copy of the book to him but also other lines under them¡­ Those were lines written by another hand, which beautifully outlined each letter as though he would have answered what seemed to have been a question from her side, even if it wasn¡¯t anything like that. Yet, that one was a simple answer that made her heart strangely vibrate because that ?I didn¡¯t stop you because I wanted to see you happy,¡± sounded so beautiful. ?Yet, I¡¯ve waited for you,¡± Alex added. ?I¡¯ve been waiting for you to turn back to me in the form of a magic bird that finally opened its wings widely just to make sure it¡¯d get to the sun. Then, understanding that it had the same feelings as I had, that bird would have turned back to me¡­ feeling that she also missed me¡­¡±


    Closing the book, without signing the autograph under those lines, Kate smiled. She did that with all her heart because those lines meant only one thing, ?P.S. I missed you! I really missed you!¡±


    ?Me too,¡± she whispered, hiding herself at Alex¡¯s chest after that, after she ran toward him. She did that so eager to feel the warmth of his heart on her chest and to listen to its melody that beat only in the rhythm of her heart. A hug followed by a kiss eventually¡­ A kiss that had been given with the heart and having the aroma of love and of sweet-bitter coffee that had a single name in Kate¡¯s head - Alexander Doyle.

 CHAPTER 35: HAPPINESS IN A CUP OF COFFEE… WITH YOU

    That day, autumn played on the streets, walking them up and down with the feet of rain. Feet made from playful raindrops that naughtily tapped on the red of the leaves that were still seen on the branches or on those seen on the wet asphalt, which had the color of the gloomy sky that was stretching toward the horizon and covering Westport almost entirely. All those were pieces of dreams, part of them being detached from that rain, which was also shyly touching the big window of the coffee shop ?Aisling,¡± window that those rain feet had been touching since the morning when the drizzle started. Rain that made Kate finally smile because she found it naughty and weird at the same time, just as she found that rain so alike to the one that had been tapping on the window of the coffee shop a year ago and on her umbrella, and when she¡¯d seen two blue eyes watching her while walking through the rain and heading toward the coffee shop.


    A year ago, Alex had stood in front of the window and looked at the outside rain and her. At that moment, it was Kate looking into the distance through that window. She wasn¡¯t standing but sitting on that large windowsill, with a cup of hot coffee in her hand, so in love with the madness of autumn.


    She wasn¡¯t alone in the coffee shop at that moment, but she also didn¡¯t care about this: neither about the clients who kept whispering to each other, talking about books and not about her nor about Robert, who often smiled, seeing her taking Alex¡¯s place in front of that window. All Kate cared about at that moment was the beautiful distance, gray because of the fog that was seen right from the morning and which was still there even with the rain that lasted for hours. A gray of the distance, which spurred her to dream and take melancholy in her arms, just as Alex did so many times before while he¡¯d been dreaming of her all those ten months of separation.


    Yet, Kate wasn¡¯t at all sad at that moment but dreaming. Wearing that white woolen pullover and those comfortable pants, she fell prey to the rainy day and dreaming, although she had promised herself to start writing a new book that day. Nevertheless, the love from her soul, something that was also related to the outside rain and memories, didn¡¯t allow her to start working on that new book. Instead, they brought her in front of the window, put her on that windowsill, and spurred her to dream, something Kate did with all her heart because she really had permission for pure love at that moment.


    Actually, Kate had permission to love since three weeks ago when she¡¯d seen Alex again and he asked her to be with him forever. Yes, he asked her to be with him not for a while or know each other better, but for their entire life. And, as a testimony of those beautiful feelings, an engagement ring was seen on her finger and a wedding one on top of it because Alex seemed to have taken to heart Erin¡¯s words, something she told him one day, ?As long as the woman doesn¡¯t wear someone else¡¯s surname in her passport and his ring on her finger, she can always be of someone else.¡±


    He didn¡¯t remember the exact words Erin had told him that day. What Alex remembered was the meaning of those words. That¡¯s why he asked Kate to be his wife that evening when they saw each other again. Actually, he asked her this when they were still in the park when he asked her to sign her autograph under the lines written by both of them. Instead of the autograph, he had her vow. Better said, he had her answer to the question, ?Do you accept being my wife?¡±


    ?I accept,¡± Kate wrote that day, laughing. She did that without thinking too much about that question, and she did that not because she would have been reckless and wanted to get married at any cost. No, Kate wanted that with all her heart. Both of them thought about this all those months of separation, months when they understood that their happiness was the other one and not living a lonely life.


    That¡¯s why, it hadn¡¯t been at all hard for them to be together for a life. Waiting and useless promises had no point at that moment. At the same time, it was useless waiting to ?know each other better,¡± as Kate¡¯s parents told her when she told them about her sudden wedding. Even so, none of them impeded her from doing that because they witnessed her suffering in those months when she¡¯d been away from Alex.


    Honestly, Kate¡¯s parents changed a lot in those few months. Not even she knew the reason for that change. All she knew was that they had become closer in those months. They even got to talk to each other about certain things and trust each other. Was it because her parents got older or was she getting older? Kate wasn¡¯t sure. Even so, she didn¡¯t think too much about that. All she knew for sure was that she changed a lot, and, along with her, her entourage changed.


    Not only did Kate¡¯s entourage change but also her character. He got to make friends with others easily and live each moment with an open heart. She has come to trust herself and other people. Thus, loneliness became something of the past, something that had made her sad so many times before, and, why not, they also made her stronger. That¡¯s why Kate didn¡¯t hate her past but considered it an experience - moments that helped her to stand up so many times alone and move on, proud of all she managed to do in her life.


    After seeing Alex again and having the simple wedding, ?only with the family,¡± as Doyle and she wanted, Kate really felt that she was fulfilled. She stopped thinking about the past and the future. She did that because she decided to live in the moment and be happy as long as she could do that. Kate knew that this would have made her happy because it couldn¡¯t be different while she lived next to the man she loved for a year even if he didn¡¯t promise anything to her or asked her to stay with him.


    Alex was really there, for her, at that moment, and this was all that mattered to Kate. She was also next to him and she also saw him changing. Alex didn¡¯t change too much, this was also true. Nevertheless, his change was a good one because he stopped fearing people and stopped living only in his world, making time to see his friends more often.


    Kate found out the reason for that change by pure chance after Alex told her about Lucas Murphy and that he didn¡¯t return alive from Syria. It¡¯s when Kate saw sadness in Alex¡¯s eyes and understood that he really cared about his friend. Nevertheless, Alex didn¡¯t talk too much about Lucas, but this didn¡¯t mean that Alex would ever forget him. All his friends knew that, just as all their friends intended to do the same as Doyle did - to remember Murphy forever as the ?poet,¡± the one who often made them innocently smile, and for those words that he often said like a joke - that the women didn¡¯t love him because he was a simple ?poet.¡±


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    When she remembered these words, which she heard from Alex, Kate smiled. ?Still, he¡¯d been a good man,¡± she whispered, sipping from her coffee. ?He must have been a good man because Alex couldn¡¯t appreciate so much just a passer-by through his life.¡±


    Yes, Kate came to appreciate Murphy, even if she hadn¡¯t ever known him. The reason? His letter - something that gave Alex some courage to go to see her. Alex was actually determined to do that after he received the book from her and the invitation to that book launch. Yet, he¡¯d been afraid to do that openly because he wasn¡¯t sure eventually if she was single, had waited for him, or simply regretted not having kept him with her that day, and this made her so unhappy.


    All this passed eventually and, instead of them, happiness returned to their lives. Beautiful moments spent together came, evenings when they played the piano or simply read a book, evenings when each of them dreamt of something in their own way. All those were evenings when they wanted a future together and Kate wanted so much a family.


    Better said, Kate wanted a part of him¡­ She wanted a small part of their happiness because this would have fulfilled them undoubtedly. She dreamt of a girl with her eyes and long chestnut hair or a boy with beautiful blue eyes. Yet, there was still earlier for such dreams. They had just seen each other again and started to live together. Nevertheless, this didn¡¯t impede her from dreaming of such a future and a family that could have undoubtedly meant happiness for both of them.


    Actually, Kate was sure that she¡¯d hold happiness in her arms one day. A vivid example for her was Erin and Mark, who got to be together after years of liking each other silently. They were so happy at that moment, expecting their first child, news they found out from Erin a few days ago. In fact, Erin and Mark told them first about this because they considered them as being their soul friends and not only family.


    Not only this great news, that Mark and Erin¡¯s dream happened, made Kate admire her sister-in-law so much. No, it was also because Erin knew to reach that happiness while proudly looking in front, being strong, and having those she loved with her, aware that only together they could be happy. Erin was also strong in Kate¡¯s eyes because she hadn¡¯t even fallen into despair, something Kate had done so many times before.


    Nevertheless, regrets were something of the past already. At that moment, there was a place only for the future and happiness. Particularly, there was a place for the two of them only¡­ for her and Alex, those who deserved to hold each other in their arms forever, steal a kiss from the other one in front of the fireplace, or when they slept in the same bed. A kiss that undoubtedly led to something more¡­ to what they had been dreaming of all their life, but which they had left behind for a very long time.


    And yes¡­ happiness was something present in Kate¡¯s life at that moment. Better said, that happiness headed toward her at that moment. He confidently stepped on the autumn asphalt, having a big red umbrella above his head, an umbrella that protected him from the autumn¡¯s caresses and tears. Yet, all those were still tears of happiness because it¡¯s what Kate felt at that moment.


    Seeing him coming toward her, Kate smiled. She put the cup of coffee on the windowsill, put the sports shoes on, which she left next to the windowsill, and rushed to get out of the coffee shop. In the doorway, she stopped, seeing Alex in the middle of the road and looking at her in amazement and with a large smile on his face.


    Looking at him, Kate burst into laughter. She also didn¡¯t know why she did that, just as he didn¡¯t know it. Yet, none of them asked too many questions about this. They simply enjoyed the moment because Kate really looked beautiful while running through the rain just to get into his arms eventually.


    Held into his arms, Kate stuck to his chest under that big red umbrella. Looking up, Kate saw the autumn leaves painted on it¡­ real leaves, fallen from above, which stuck to the umbrella¡¯s fabric while looking for love. ?Just as I hope to find that love at your chest for my entire life.¡±


    Alex smiled. ?Only at my chest do you hope to find that happiness?¡±


    ?Without a doubt,¡± she replied right away. ?Do you know why?¡±


    ?Because I¡¯m the port your boat looked for an entire life?¡±


    ?No, it¡¯s because you are my happiness hidden behind two blue eyes and this beautiful smile. And yes, maybe you are also the port where I¡¯ve decided to stop the boat of my life eventually, after years of looking for you because¡­ I¡¯ve really missed you and your eyes, Alex.¡±


    Instead of the words that could have completed what she said, Alex chose the kiss. He chose to feel the taste of her lips, those that had the smell of coffee on them because he saw her sipping from the sweet-bitter coffee while sitting on the windowsill and looking at him. An aroma that made them fall in love and brought them together for an entire life.


    Alexander Doyle was really happy at that moment. He lived the happiness he had promised to Lucas that he¡¯d have one day. Alex promised that to his friend that day when he read the letter and understood that Murphy wanted to see at least him happy. ?Something I¡¯ll have one day, no matter what,¡± Alex whispered that day, as though talking to the poet Murphy. ?And something I feel now with all my body,¡± he whispered to Kate, still holding her to his chest.


    ?What exactly?¡± She asked. Kate was a little confused. Thus, raising her glance, she fixed it into his eyes.


    ?Happiness¡­ in a cup of coffee, with you,¡± said Alex, smiling. Then, holding her to his chest again, he let the drops of autumn be the witnesses of their love, just as he allowed the passers-by to be, who looked at them confused because it seemed weird to them to see the two in-love young people living their love in the street and under the tears of autumn.


    Who didn¡¯t find this weird were Kate and Alex because this meant happiness for them. For them, living in the moment, was the most important. That¡¯s why Alex suddenly gathered the umbrella, smiling at Kate when he¡¯d seen her looking at him in amazement. She did that even if she felt what he wanted to do. Even so, she still waited for a confirmation on his part. And, to make sure Kate understood what he wanted to do at that moment, Alex grabbed her hand and pulled her behind him down the street, both running through the rain¡­ just as Alex had dreamt of doing one day. He had dreamt of being with the beautiful owner of the ripe chestnuts hidden in her hair, to lose himself forever in her black eyes while his blue eyes like the clear sky watched her with love¡­ Those eyes that had something from those drops that blessed the earth and their love from above at that moment¡­