"What?" Justin''s brows furrowed, and he gave me a blank, suspicious expression. Sure, he was shocked to hear my answer, as the last time he saw me, I was outside my uncle''s garage. He had come and untied my hands, which is how we had met and became friends. But he hadn''t given me his wristwatch.
I didn''t answer his question because I didn''t have one. I kept quiet.
"Hey, where do you stay then? And what were you doing at someone''s garage the other day? Why would someone tie you up like that? Answer me!" Justin blurted out so many questions at once that I became nervous. I was already anxious, and his questions made me want to cry like a baby. But I kept my mouth shut. There was no way on earth I could trust him with my family drama because we weren''t that close. Hell, no!
"Joe, I am asking you something," he scowled. His voice was calm and dominating. For a split second, he looked more like a domineering brother than a teenage friend. I smiled.
"Hey, are you even listening to me? Where do you stay? What were you doing down there when we first met? Tell me." His questions didn''t sound like questions; they were more like manipulative orders to tell him all the things I was going through. He made it look like I had to tell him everything, no questions asked in return.
"Well, none of your business," I said, a little nonchalantly, but then regretted it that very instant. It came out wrong. "Okay, fine. Don''t tell me. But at least tell me who your parents are or who you live with?" Again, he came back to the same point I was trying to avoid all this time. I thought it would be better if he hospitalized me because then I wouldn''t have to answer any of these questions. But no, hospital authorities ask a lot of questions too. But I didn''t know how to save the situation in any other way without letting him know why I was the way I was. So, I finally spoke up. "My parents are dead."
That''s all. That''s all I needed to say to keep him from asking questions. And after hearing my answer, he didn''t say a word, and I was pretty thankful to him for that.
Justin decided not to ask anything more that day. Instead, he took me to his house and laid me down in his bed. I was so exhausted that I fell instantly, feeling every muscle in my body begin to relax, and I dozed off instantly. The next morning when I woke up, I found myself a little bit refreshed, and my whole body was surprisingly calm. I didn''t feel any pain and didn''t feel any urge to leave the bed either. I was too tired to even think about it. There were stitches on my forehead, and an aroma of some kind of balm was coming from my lips that I could taste with my mouth. Justin''s bedside table had an ice tray and some meds. Maybe they had given me painkillers to numb the pain away.
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His windows were open, and soft sunrays barged through them. I looked into the sunlight that fell right next to the bed and discovered a familiar fragrance that I hadn''t felt in a long time. I turned.
Lying beside me, hands on her chest, wearing that same white dress, was Diane. She looked as helpless as me (I don''t know why), but the only difference was that she looked beautiful, and I was looking devastated.
"I am sorry, Joe," her voice broke, and her eyes welled up with tears. Though she tried to stop it, a single teardrop escaped from the corner of her eye and slipped down on the pillow underneath her head. I watched as the teardrop fell on the pillow cover and moistened the area around it.
Then I looked back into her eyes. I saw the same declaration I had seen in my mother''s eyes when those guys were kicking me.
"No need to say sorry," I said and wrapped her in my arms.
We stayed there for some time, she, inside my arms, her head resting on my chest. Nothing was audible other than the sound of our soft breathing and pounding heartbeats. That was all I wanted at that moment of my life. All I wanted was Diane. My chest moved up and down, and she listened to my heartbeat like it was some sort of beautiful rhythmic music to her ears.
I could have never known what love felt like if Diane hadn''t decided to come into my life. I was lucky enough that she never left me, or at least, unlike Danny, never faked a relationship with me. Whatever we had between us was more than everything to me. I know society troubles me a lot; they mistreat me every time I give them a chance. But amidst everything, Diane was my only soulmate. She was the only home where I was always safe.
"I wish I could stop them from hurting you, Joe. I wish I was there to save you," she finally whispered. I had a feeling she was riding a guilt trip. She had never been broken like this. I don''t remember her ever being so sad. She was always cheerful and enthusiastic about everything. But this time, the tears in her eyes made me extremely insecure.
"It''s not your fault. I should speak up for myself," I said, trying to sound "I''m okay" when I truly wasn''t.
"I won''t let that happen next time, Joe. I won''t let anybody hurt you again. I''ll always be there to help you. But if I don''t come, just call me for once, and I''ll be there," she made me want to believe in her words. But I didn''t want to appear weak, not in front of Diane.
"You don''t need to worry. I will learn how to defend myself; I promise," I tried to sound confident, and at the same time, I was insecure as hell.
She looked up. Her long and wet eyelashes cast shadows on her face, and she looked more beautiful than ever. I licked my lips, unable to resist the urge to kiss her. So, I kissed her. A long, slow, and beautiful kiss. But our tongues didn''t meet each other. I was already out of breath, and when we pulled back to take some air, she leaned in and kissed me, this time on the forehead. We had our second lip kiss. Then third, then fourth. And then she was gone. I was left alone in Justin''s bed, which seemed kinda awkward to me and confusing at the same time.
(9) An Eerie road and the Lone Moon
A cold breeze swept across the lake, disheveling Justin''s hair as he spoke. I remained calm, registering every word he uttered. Every single word.
"I know how much you''re going through. I wish I could help, but..." he trailed off, unsure how to comfort me. Frustrated, he tossed a rock into the river and ran his hands through his hair.
I gave him a sideways glance. He was more handsome than I thought. Especially when he was worried, he looked more charming than ever.
For a moment, I considered telling him everything about my and Diane''s relationship. But I restrained myself from doing so. I had already told him enough and didn''t want to confuse him further by discussing my love life. I was confused, too. I had no idea why Diane would appear and disappear so suddenly. I had no idea why she never showed up in front of people.
So, I didn''t think it was right to open up so much to Justin or anyone in particular.
"You can stay with us, you know...for the rest of your life. I''ve never had a brother of my own. So, I''d be more than happy to have one." He smiled at me expectantly. There was no way I could refuse his offer, but I was afraid to start living with him, especially when his dad was unhappy with me.
The last night I stayed at Justin''s, his father came home and gave me an annoyed look. I had been avoiding Mr. Perry ever since.
On the other hand, Justin''s mom was quite a lady. She was nice. She treated me like I was her son and served me delicious pasta. I would consider myself lucky if I could stay with such wonderful people, I thought. But unfortunately, it wasn''t going to happen. My own life was already a mess, and I couldn''t mess up others''.
"What have I done?" I suddenly blurted out something I didn''t expect to say. "Why do things always happen to me? Why don''t I have a shoulder to cry on?"
As I expressed my inner thoughts, I felt my eyes well up with tears. I realized just then how much I was holding inside. How much I needed someone who would listen to me cry.
Justin didn''t say a word. He was waiting for me to stop lamenting. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and calmed my nerves a bit.
"You know what, Joe? God knows our limits. He doesn''t give us so much that we can''t bear it. Lord knows you''re strong. He knows you can get your shit together amidst all this. You just need patience. And a little bit of love, maybe."
I knew that Justin was right. But I didn''t know how to overcome the trauma I was in. No doubt I was always depressed because I had never seen my life from a different perspective or experienced life in a different way, but I was so worried about my future. I didn''t know if I could make the most of it or not. I somehow knew that I was creative and had always dreamed of becoming a famous painter. But if my luck continued to go on like this, how could I believe that God truly exists?
"Have you ever seen a person who never shows up in front of anyone else but you?" I asked.
"No, that only happens when the person is dead. They call it a spirit."
Suddenly, a chill ran down my spine. Diane couldn''t be dead. I knew she wasn''t.
"Do spirits speak or touch things?"
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"I don''t know. I''ve never seen a ghost."
"Can they appear and disappear so easily?"
"I''m not sure. But why are you asking me all of this?" I knew Diane wasn''t dead. If she were, I could have never spent my entire childhood with her, playing. If there was no sign of her in the world, she couldn''t hear my voice. Diane and I had grown up together, and if she were really a spirit, as Justin was saying, she should have told me.
"Joe?" Justin said, startling me. I stared at his concerned face. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah. I think I should go. It''s getting dark." I pulled myself up from the ground and slung my backpack over my shoulder. "Where are you going?" Justin asked.
"I don''t know. Maybe I need to go to Danny''s tonight. I want to have a few words with him."
Meeting with my uncle was the last thing on my mind. But I couldn''t ignore him like this, after all he had done, as he said to Mr. Anderson, "What he does is none of my business. I only take care of him because I''m obligated to." I wanted to know why he didn''t let me know this before. Why didn''t he tell me that he had nothing to do with me? I was so foolish not to know. He kept me a fool all his life. If he really had to give up on me, why did he keep me in his house in the first place? Oh, well. I was practically his servant, so... didn''t he need one anymore?
I knocked on his door, and he appeared with a small beer can in his hand. Uncle Danny looked at me questioningly, as if asking what I was doing there. ''Of course, I''m not here to live with you,'' I answered, inwardly and outwardly. "I need to talk to you, uncle."
I was sad and felt defeated. I knew how miserably he had let me down, yet I wanted to call him ''uncle'' because he was my uncle. I couldn''t lose the only blood relation I had.
"What do you want to talk about?" he asked, half drunk, half serious.
"I..." My voice cracked, and I did my best not to cry. "I want to take all my stuff, only if you would let me in." I wanted to ask him all the questions that were hovering over my mind. Also, I knew that I couldn''t get any answer because he wasn''t in his right mind right now. So, I just let that thought slip from my head.
"Take away your things. They''ve been untouched since you left."
I went to the room I once thought was mine and broke down into tears. It was a damp room full of sorrow and tears that I had shed in the sixteen years of my life.
I gradually scanned the room. The lights were dim as usual, and everything was just as I had left them, including the picture of Diane. I went to her and laid my hand on the smooth paper, colorfully painted with my own hand. I closed my eyes to sense her presence near me, but failed to find any.
I knew that this room had given me nothing but solitude and pain, but I wasn''t ready to leave the place like this. Yet, I had made the decision and was desperately in need of leaving Uncle Danny and his son on their own.
I gathered all my stuff, along with the paintbrush and her painting, carefully took my parents'' photo, and packed my bag to leave. I heard the rats squeaking again as if trying to tell me not to go.
I went downstairs where Uncle Danny was sitting with the beer can in his hand. He looked up at me but said nothing.
"I''m leaving, uncle. And I... I want you to take care of yourself."
As weak as my voice was, so were my legs. I felt exhausted once again, and this time it wasn''t by any kind of physical pain, but the emotional torture that I had gone through so far. I felt all the mental pain that I had gone through my entire life, striking up on me all at once. And I was searching for comfort again.
I knew he was not going to ask me where I was going, but I really wanted to talk to him. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me. I wanted him to say that he lied in front of Mr. Anderson.
"Joe."
I turned and saw Jack, my 18-year-old cousin standing before me. In his hand was a baseball bat, and he wore the same sweatshirt he had stolen from me last winter.
I smiled at him, completely aware that he would like to see me leave.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"I''m leaving. You guys take care of yourselves. And..." I looked at my uncle who seemed to pass out due to the heavy consumption of alcohol, "and take care of your dad as well."
"Where are you going to stay?" Now he has started asking me questions like usual, I thought. Jack, being older than me, always used to boss me around just like his father and sometimes even bullied me, too, when I was alone and he was with his friends. But I didn''t answer his question this time. Saying, ''God will help me someday and give me a peaceful life,'' I left that house that night.
Leaving my childhood behind, I walked through the eerie road with the moon accompanying me, not exactly knowing where I was heading.
(10) A Guardian Angel
I walked down the road with no idea where I was going. I could walk as far as my legs would take me. I knew there was nothing in the world that I could lose more. Nothing remained, indeed. Still, there was a strange feeling that made me believe I could start over and begin a new, different life.
I walked past Justin''s house, praying he wouldn''t see me. I walked down the silent street with no sign of a living creature. The black willow and balsam poplar trees rustled their leaves. The night was dark and quiet, and the cold wind swept away all the dust from the road.
I looked up. Millions of stars accompanied my journey, and among them, I imagined my mom and dad were the brightest ones. I had never held their hands, but I wished I were lucky enough to do so. When I was young, I grew up watching other kids go to school, holding the hands of their fathers. They laughed, they enjoyed life, but I never did. My only company was my bully, Jack. Now, I don''t want to trouble you by bringing up his name again.
Soon, I felt my legs getting tired. Also, my backpack felt a little heavier and slowed down my journey to nowhere. I sat down on a broken rock and unshouldered my backpack. At the far end, I saw streetlights dimming across the foggy air and a dark, tall figure sauntering towards me. When the outline of the man came into my clear vision, I stood up.
It was Mr. Anderson, walking towards me. I wondered what he was doing here, this late when half the world was asleep. He came closer. I started to fidget with my fingers, trying to come up with a reasonable answer to his likely question: "What are you doing here?"
"Why are you not at home this late, Joe? Do you know what time it is? It''s 12:38," Mr. Anderson said. Noticing I wasn''t about to make a reply, he said, "You can come with me. I don''t think you would be safe alone."
"I left my uncle, Mr. Anderson, and I want to stay alone," I said quietly, almost dropping my head to my feet. "I could leave you alone, young man, if only you were not an innocent kid. Now, come with me. I make delicious pancakes."
Mr. Anderson took me to his house. His housemaid welcomed me with a warm smile. I entered his house, adorned with expensive decor and furnished furniture. His whole corridor was the full size of Uncle Danny''s house but with more fancy items. There wasn''t a thing you would wish for. There was everything a sixteen-year-old boy would want. Yet, I wondered if it was everything a man could wish for?
Mr. Anderson showed me my new room. "If you need anything, you can call Jenny. She will help you with whatever you want. But for now, my son, let''s eat something. I know you are hungry."
Jenny was the housemaid I had met earlier. Apart from her, I saw no one else in the house. Out of curiosity, I asked Mr. Anderson, "Where is everyone?"
He half-smiled, "Who are you expecting?" he asked. I hesitated. "I don''t know...well, maybe Mrs. Anderson and your children?"
He gave me a half-hearted smile. "She left me long ago. And as for my children... I had only one son, and he is dead."
Mr. Anderson always appeared so professional and stern that I didn''t imagine he could be lonely inside as well. I know what it feels like to be rejected and isolated. Thus, I felt what he was feeling right now. He had everything, no doubt. Money, expensive stuff, delicious food, a big house, and everything. But if you don''t have a family, you have nothing, and you don''t have a purpose in life. Also, I wondered how much money a math teacher makes in the school.
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"I''m very sorry for your loss, sir," I said sincerely, praying, Lord, wherever his son had gone¡ªwhich was heaven¡ªwas at peace.
"Yeah, me too. Let''s get fresh, change your clothes, and eat something," with that said, Mr. Anderson retired from my new room.
We ate quietly until Mr. Anderson himself broke the sound. "Want more juice?" he poured some orange juice into my glass without waiting for an answer.
His dinner table was very long, like, more than twelve people could dine together. I wondered what was the use of such over-expensive items when you had only two people at home?
"How old was he, sir?" I asked him about his dead son and came to know that, like my dad, he also died in a car crash. As saddening as it already was, I quivered hearing that his wife cheated on him with another man. Why would someone do that? Especially a mother? Guess, I will never know.
Why does God give so much pain to the people with a good heart? I still am not sure. Maybe financially and materially, Mr. Anderson and I were very different, but emotionally and intuitively, we had so much in common. And that night, when we shared most of the emptiness of our hearts with each other, I knew that Mr. Anderson was none other than my guardian angel sent from above.
It took me three or four more days to learn everything about Mr. Anderson. At the end of the day, I happened to know that he wasn''t as bad as I had initially thought. He may seem stern and all, but overall, he wasn''t a bad person from the heart. He was an example that made me believe in the true sentence: "Never judge a book by its cover."
I had been avoiding Justin all these days because I couldn''t bring myself to talk to him. What could I say, ''I am staying with Mr. Anderson''? Nah. After all, he usually thought Mr. Anderson was a jerk. However, I was sure if I told Justin everything I happened to know about him, his conception would change immediately.
But I was afraid he might take my stay with Mr. Anderson as a rejection of his proposal to stay with him.
Then, when I returned to my new room after the dismissal of a boring physics lecture, on the way back, I met Justin. He wore a gray hoodie and his dark smooth hair was a mess. Beside him was his new girlfriend, Diane. They were laughing together and seemed like they were spending some quality time after a long day. I paused midway, thinking if I should back up or continue to head towards them. I could use my baseball cap to hide the top of my face, but the idea didn''t show up.
Justin noticed me standing in the middle of the street, and for a moment, he made a confused face. Then, he told the girl that he would see her again the next day at English class, and they parted their ways. Diane went in the opposite direction and Justin strode towards me. God, why did she have to be Diane?
"Where have you been?! I had been searching for you for so long, you know!" he cried. I almost gulped back a smile. "Sorry. I was searching for you, too," I lied.
"Really? You know my place," Justin raised an eyebrow and I shrugged.
"Where are you staying, Joe? Are you okay?" his confused facial expression was now substituted by a concerned one. I told myself that I couldn''t lie this time. My heart was racing fast under my shirt, and I tried to calm my nerves.
"I''m staying with Mr. Anderson, Justin. I think he deserves company," I said honestly. Justin raised an eyebrow but decided not to say anything against my decision.
"How is he doing?" he finally asked after a long uncomfortable pause.
"He''s doing fine now," I guessed. "Maybe I can hold the space in his vacant heart. Maybe I can put his smile back on his face."
Justin smiled. I got a hint, he liked what I said. Though he didn''t know anything about Mr. Anderson, I felt that he could feel what I was saying.
"I know you can, Joe. You are a good soul."