《Déjà vu, sonder》


 The Void Within

    Our wonders in Alex


    Alex sat alone in their room, the dim glow of a lamp casting long shadows on the walls. The room felt eerily quiet, a stark contrast to the storms raging inside their mind. They stared blankly at the ceiling, lost in a whirlwind of thoughts that seemed to slip through their grasp like smoke.


    "I feel so weird; honestly, I feel like I''ve lost a part of me," Alex murmured to themselves, the words hanging heavy in the stillness. "My thoughts are just gone. It''s been like this for two days now. I feel like a walking piece of meat."


    They paused, a bitter smile flickering across their face as they recalled days when contemplation came effortlessly. "Before, I used to think about life and a lot of other things, but now it''s almost like I can''t, even if I try, or I can''t even comprehend it. I always wished I wouldn''t overthink, and now I think I got that granted. I feel at ease, but I also feel empty and weird."


    Restless, Alex reached for a notebook beside their bed, flipping through pages filled with scribbles and half-formed thoughts. Amidst the chaos of their emotions, a sudden impulse seized them. "So, I haven''t touched weed for three weeks, and yesterday I bought a pack," they admitted quietly, almost confessing to the empty room.


    "When I got high, it triggered storms in my head, so I threw away my spliff," Alex continued, their voice a mixture of frustration and longing. "But at the same time, I keep thinking to myself, ''Isn''t this what I wanted back, the part of me that always overthinks everything?'' However, I''m also scared and confused."


    The memories of that night haunted them¡ªthe fleeting rush of thoughts, the unsettling calm that followed. "I fell asleep early, woke up, and felt like it was any other day. No storms rushing through my head. I honestly don''t know."


    Their fingers traced over the words they had written, as if searching for answers within the lines. "I stopped smoking weed to increase my chance to overthink. Now I smoke weed and try to overthink and not care, to get that part of me that was missing, but it wasn''t the same."


    A heavy sigh escaped their lips. "The storms arrived even though I wasn''t smoking. Now I have to smoke to create them. I don''t know.


    I still feel numb and empty. I don''t even know my own personality, nor do I think I have one - just a twisted personality based on the environments I''m in."


    Alex''s mind drifted back to childhood, a time when innocence was measured by the desire for attention and approval. "When I was a kid, I often found myself seeking attention and approval from others..."


    The room remained silent, the weight of their thoughts hanging in the air. In the solitude of their room, Alex wrestled with fragments of identity and the elusive pursuit of peace within themselves.


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    Amidst the tumultuous swirl of emotions and thoughts, Alex found themselves navigating through another day that seemed to blend into the next with an unsettling sameness. The weight of their internal battles was becoming unbearable, a relentless cycle of overthinking and numbness punctuated by fleeting moments of relief and despair.


    "I''m overthinking again or I''ve done it the past two weeks," Alex muttered to themselves, their voice tinged with frustration. "I feel like a human being with a thought process, but I can''t sleep, and when I do, I wake up every hour, no joke. I''ve been meeting up every morning for school. I''m at my limit soon."


    Their thoughts drifted to darker places, recalling moments when the urge to self-harm had overwhelmed them. "And I cut myself last week," they confessed quietly, their words heavy with shame and defiance. "I just had the urge to do it, and I hear my own voice in my head telling me to do it. I stared at the floor for a while, trying not to do it, but then I did it, and I kept going at it."


    They hesitated, reliving the raw intensity of that moment. "But something told me it wasn''t deep enough, so I started slicing and felt better. Been hiding it since, even though people probably wouldn''t care anyway."


    As they continued to pour their thoughts onto paper, Alex grappled with the conflicting emotions that plagued them. "As I''m writing this, I want to do it again," they admitted, their voice barely above a whisper. "It gives me relief, and I like seeing the blood run down. It''s like all my suppressed emotions get out. I don''t know how many times I can keep going before I die. I wouldn''t mind. It sounds so relaxing and peaceful."


    Their words painted a haunting picture of internal turmoil, a struggle between finding solace in pain and yearning for an escape from the relentless thoughts. "I''m not able to reach out, or I''ve tried a lot, but I suck at it, and help doesn''t come," Alex lamented bitterly. "Fuck, I want to cut. It''s not like I''ll get any sleep anyway. People tell me not to off myself... Like, what the heck? Tell me a reason why I shouldn''t. Why do you care, and do you want to do something about it?"


    They paused, their thoughts meandering through the complexities of their own perception. "I often wonder how people see me," they confessed softly. "I really want someone to talk to. Guess I''ll just follow my routine, be depressed, and go to school. Get home and wait until I can sleep."


    The weight of their isolation felt palpable, a burden carried silently for years. "I''m really fighting myself - why should I cut, and why shouldn''t I? I don''t see a reason why I shouldn''t do it, I see reasons to why I should."


    With a heavy heart, Alex closed their journal with a weary sigh. "That''s my conclusion. Oyasumi."


    In the midst of their struggles, Alex found brief respite in music, a refuge from their tumultuous thoughts. "Listening to Kikuo really makes me feel like I''m in another world, trying to keep my self-destructive thoughts away," they mused, a fleeting glimpse of distraction from their inner turmoil.


    Yet, even in moments of distraction, the darkness loomed close. "I see images in my head, cutting my wrist so deep that I''ll die," Alex admitted, the confession tinged with both fear and fascination. "It went away, but it''s still creepy that it''s so realistic. But at the same time, I want to go home and do it."

 Chapter 2 Storms of the Mind

    Their journey through the mundane routines of life felt surreal, a disconnected existence where every moment was tinged with a haunting sense of purposelessness. "Why don''t I just do it and die? Why don''t I just kill myself if I want to so bad?" they questioned aloud, the words echoing in the empty spaces of their mind. "Why am I writing all this and destroying myself? I don''t know, or I should know. I''m confused."


    As the bus rumbled on, carrying Alex through familiar streets and fleeting glimpses of other people''s lives, they contemplated their place in a world that felt increasingly foreign and indifferent. "Buses in the morning feel so dream-like," they reflected, their voice distant and detached. "Like I float through a dark valley filled with corpses you don''t interact with. Every morning, it''s a little out-of-the-world experience, headed to school."


    Their thoughts wandered, grasping at the fragments of meaning amidst the relentless monotony. "I wonder how other people see me or why I''m not bothered to open up, maybe," they pondered, their words a whispered plea for understanding. "I feel the whole world is a game, and it''s gonna restart soon. I''m just waiting for something to happen every day; it''s the same - school, home, sleep. Repeat until something finally happens or the world ends."


    The bus journey stretched on, a solitary voyage through the dimly lit streets that mirrored the shadows of Alex''s thoughts. "I love buses, but I hate it at the same time," they confessed, a hint of resignation in their voice. "It''s really the place where my mind gets all thinky and dark, with a bright star shining somewhere I can''t reach fully yet. All the car lights, people who got jobs, people with lives - why are they doing it? I wanna go back to my bed, honestly, or sit on my PC and wait for what? End of the world? Judgment day?"


    Their thoughts drifted to deeper contemplation, seeking solace in the belief that there must be a reason for their continued existence. "God protected me through so many things; there must be a reason why I haven''t killed myself yet or these failed attempts," they murmured, a fragile thread of hope woven through their words. "Just let me sleep and wake me up once you hear; I can''t stand this. Or can I?"


    The bus finally came to a stop, jolting Alex back to the present moment as they disembarked, a solitary figure amidst the rush of strangers. "I really had the urge to just sit on the bus, felt no purpose to get off," they admitted quietly. "Still went off; fuck, I could''ve been zooming out in that seat for hours."Arriving at school, Alex found themselves once again in the familiar but alien environment of sports practice. "Guess not, now I''m here at sport, only 4 people," they observed, their voice tinged with discomfort. "It''s awkward; can''t get myself to look up. They''re talking about some stuff that''s really irrelevant for me, so I''ll just keep my head down and write to kill time."


    The disconnect between their inner turmoil and the external world seemed insurmountable at times, a barrier that left Alex feeling isolated even in a crowd. "Sometimes, the stuff we do here feels really... I can''t put it into words," they confessed, their thoughts trailing off into silence. "Fuck it; it doesn''t matter anyway."


    As conversations around them shifted to mundane topics like Christmas presents, Alex''s mind wandered once more, grappling with the simple act of choosing a gift amidst the weight of their own struggles. "Someone mentioned Christmas presents; I haven''t even gone outside to look for gifts," they admitted, their voice tinged with resignation. "Don''t know what to get, only got a drawing. Is that enough? I already got enough stuff to deal with; that drawing should be okay, I hope, it does the job. I haven''t even said my wishes; I can''t think of anything I really want. I feel like I got all the things I need to survive."


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    Their journey through the day continued, each moment blending into the next with a haunting sense of inevitability. "I wonder... what purpose is there in this world?" Alex questioned softly, the words carrying the weight of their uncertainty. "Tell me, make me believe you."And so, Alex''s journey through the shadows of their own mind continued, a solitary quest for understanding, connection, and perhaps, ultimately, a glimpse of hope amidst the darkness that threatened to engulf them.Alex''s journey continued to unfold in a labyrinth of thoughts and emotions, each day a struggle against the currents of their own mind. They found solace in writing, in the catharsis of putting their chaotic thoughts onto paper, creating a world where they could explore the depths of their inner turmoil without fear of judgment.


    "D¨¦j¨¤ vu, sonder," Alex murmured to themselves as they reflected on their recent experiences. "Cold weather, hands shaking. New faces, what to say, what should be kept secret."Navigating social interactions remained a daunting task, a constant battle between longing for connection and the fear of vulnerability. "Calm down, down to earth," they reminded themselves, seeking comfort in the familiarity of their own solitude. "I can''t express my emotions properly. In love with melancholy. I''m weird."


    Their thoughts drifted, grappling with the complexities of human interaction and the relentless pursuit of understanding their own place in the world. "I get by, by sadness, fear of opening up. Why?" Alex questioned, their voice tinged with frustration and longing for answers. "Can''t answer, reasons why no social media is used, scared, clueless replies, can''t think of a reply."The journey home, though transient, stirred contemplation about the uncertain future and the fleeting nature of human connections. "On my way home, or can''t call it home, it''s a temporary base," they mused, their thoughts wandering through the transient nature of their current existence. "Should I ask if we should see each other again? I feel the word is so offensive. I just wanna be polite and generous. I wouldn''t even know what to do if I actually were to ask."


    Their internal dialogue continued, wrestling with the elusive pursuit of fulfillment and purpose. "What do you do normally? I don''t know what I''m seeking honestly. Comfort? Company?" Alex pondered aloud, their words a fragile admission of uncertainty. "Why can''t I just go with the flow? Instead, I''m constantly trying to seek something. Is that normal, or is it just me?"


    The longing for self-understanding and acceptance echoed in their thoughts. "Am I even interesting? How do you define someone interesting?" they questioned, their voice tinged with a mix of curiosity and self-doubt. "And would I even want to be interesting? I wanna go back to my four white walls. I took a step today, be proud ?? Be happy... Try, just try, maybe it would benefit me. But how and how?"


    Despite their inner struggles, moments of fleeting happiness punctuated their existence, moments cherished yet elusive. "I felt happy yesterday," Alex recalled wistfully. "I didn''t want that day to end. Why couldn''t it just stay like that? Could I even maintain it if it didn''t end? Wouldn''t I just be a dog on a leash, following someone else''s steps, instead of my own?"


    Their vulnerabilities spilled onto the pages, each word a testament to their inner battles and the quest for understanding. "Fuck, I feel pathetic to write this, but I love doing it," they confessed, their voice a whisper in the quiet of their room. "But nobody would ever see this, my own little world I keep to myself, never hearing others'' opinions on my world. It feels lonely in this world, a world where I can be who I want to be, in control of my sadness. I wouldn''t know how to control it in the real world, and people would just think I''m weird."


    The dichotomy of their dreams and reality blurred, offering glimpses into the complexities of Alex''s psyche. "I can''t stop thinking," they admitted, the words flowing freely as they poured their thoughts onto paper. "I wanna make a book about all this before it''s too late. God''s Little Sheep - that''s what I''m going to name it. Without hiding anything. My head in a book. "Their dreams, vivid and unsettling, continued to haunt them, blending elements of fantasy and reality into a tapestry of confusion and fear. "I keep having dreams of Makima," Alex confessed, their voice tinged with a mix of fascination and dread. "This dream was crazy."

 Chapter 3 The Darkness Within

    Their thoughts then turned to physical symptoms that plagued them, adding another layer to their already complex narrative. "I feel like my left ear is about to explode," they shared, their voice tinged with concern. "Literally, the last three days, my left ear started ringing and buzzing. It only happens when I''m trying to sleep so far."As they delved deeper into their past, Alex''s narrative took on a poignant tone, recounting moments of abandonment and resilience that shaped their journey. "I feel like the past is haunting me more and more," they reflected quietly. "The reason why I always got into trouble was to escape reality and run from it. I still had issues back then, but I didn''t pay it any attention."


    Their voice trembled with the weight of their experiences, each word a testament to the resilience forged in the crucible of hardship. "I''m 17, lived in 8 different foster homes," they recounted, their voice gaining strength with each revelation. "1 juvenile, but here, you weren''t allowed to have any form of contact with other youths, only when we had to eat or we had an event."


    The complexities of family and identity surfaced, adding layers of pain and longing to Alex''s narrative. "My mom backed away when I was 5," they shared quietly. "And my grandparents made an effort to take care of me, but that didn''t last long, and then I moved away from home at 9 years old."


    Their journey through adolescence was marked by a relentless quest for stability amidst the turmoil of constant change. "Man, I don''t know," Alex confessed, their voice raw with emotion. "I haven''t talked to anyone about it, and I don''t know how to show that I''m actually a mess in the head and need help."


    Yet, amidst the darkness, a flicker of hope remained, a desire for connection and understanding that echoed through their words. "I really want someone to talk to," they admitted softly. "I thought I could get some other view of things."Their reflections turned inward once more, grappling with the dichotomy of their inner and outer selves. "Sometimes I wonder why I write all these notes," Alex mused, their voice tinged with both longing and uncertainty.


    "Not that I don''t know why it''s just that every time I write, I always get this thought that I should talk to someone about it, and in that moment, I really want to share my thoughts. I just don''t know who."


    Their journey through self-discovery and healing continued, each word a step towards understanding and acceptance. "When I wrote about my ear, I was ready to show my thoughts to my doctor," they confessed quietly. "But then I just couldn''t."


    In the quiet of their room, Alex found solace in the act of writing, a lifeline amidst the storm of their thoughts. "It''s almost like I got different personalities based on where I am," they reflected, their voice fading into the silence. "In school, I keep my distance, but I still manage to seem like any other. The only thing that''s noticeable, I think, is that sometimes I just be spacing out and need time for myself; I don''t know, to be honest. When I''m home, I just spend time in my room; fuck this."


    And so, Alex''s journey through the complexities of adolescence and self-discovery continued, a testament to resilience and the enduring quest for understanding in a world that often seemed indifferent to their struggles.


    Alex''s days continued in a blur of monotony and introspection, each moment fraught with the weight of their own thoughts and emotions. Lying in their undone bed, surrounded by the glow of their TV screen, they found themselves teetering on the edge of a void¡ªwhere emptiness threatened to engulf any semblance of purpose."I''m bored as hell, ain''t got nothing to do," they muttered to themselves, their voice a mere echo in the confines of their room. "Just laying in my undone bed, staring at Instagram art accounts."


    Despite invitations to socialize, Alex felt increasingly detached from the world around them. "I was invited to eat sushi and smoke weed," they recalled, their thoughts drifting through the offer like smoke dissipating in the wind. "But I''m tired of spending money just to be with people."


    The prospect of social gatherings brought mixed feelings¡ªdesire mingled with discomfort. "I wanted to, but also wouldn''t," Alex admitted, their ambivalence palpable. "I''d just be the quiet person, staring around, and I don''t know all of them, so it''s really awkward, and I just don''t know."


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    Their inner conflict spilled over into their thoughts about upcoming plans and obligations. "Also, they want to visit me and celebrate my birthday and smoke," they mused, their voice tinged with weariness. "I''m tired of it, honestly."The burden of maintaining a facade weighed heavily on Alex''s mind. "I almost have to force a personality to hang out with them without them judging," they confessed quietly. "I''m really having deep conversations with myself."


    Their thoughts drifted towards the future, a nebulous terrain they struggled to navigate. "Can''t wait to finish my PC so I can play all day," they remarked, their voice holding a glimmer of anticipation amidst the gloom.


    In moments of solitude, their mind wandered to darker places. "Somehow, three hours passed," Alex noted, their words trailing off into the silence of their room. "I looked for my cutter but couldn''t find it, so I tried a saw; the teeth are weak, so they can''t cut that well."The urge to self-harm lingered, a persistent companion in their battle against overwhelming emotions. "I''m thinking about brushing my teeth," they acknowledged with painful honesty. "But I know I''ll just grab a razor from the bathroom and start. Damn, it''s like a drug. Just a little bit of sadness makes me want to cut."


    Their days often blurred together in a cycle of isolation and introspection. "Damn, I really spend half of my weekends laying in my bed or sitting in my room," they reflected, their voice a whisper in the stillness. "And we''ve got vacation before Christmas. Or not vacation, but off school. I hate those periods."


    The relentless march of time brought Alex closer to a significant milestone. "And I''m turning 18 soon, WTF," they exclaimed, their disbelief mingled with a sense of resignation. "I didn''t think I''d make it there, but I guess I did. Yay..."


    Their thoughts turned towards societal expectations and the pressures of adulthood. "I don''t know what I want to do, and I can''t handle a job," they confessed, their voice tinged with frustration. "I can''t explain why I can''t get a job, even though the whole explanation is right here."


    Existential questions plagued their mind, questioning the purpose of societal norms. "I also don''t really care if I''m jobless," Alex admitted, their words a stark contrast to societal expectations. "What''s the point in getting a job? Get money to buy food and a place to sleep and do the same thing forever. And die. "Their disillusionment with the world deepened as they contemplated the futility of societal pursuits. "I don''t see the point," they concluded, their voice tinged with bitter resignation. "I don''t understand how people are working. What are they working towards? More money? What''s the point in getting a lot of money in a messed-up world? Why..."


    The cyclical nature of life and its inherent monotony weighed heavily on Alex''s mind. "Life really is a game," they reflected bitterly. "Everybody does the same: get a job, get a partner or something, get kids, die later on, and repeat. Honestly, it sounds stupid, it''s pointless. Why would I waste my time when it could all just disappear in a second? It would all be for nothing. "Their thoughts shifted abruptly to a significant event¡ªtheir 18th birthday. "I''ve reached the age of 18," Alex acknowledged, their voice subdued. "Finally, I''ve completed my PC, and my rifle is currently being checked. I had a good birthday; I saw my two friends. It felt nice, but I sensed a barrier separating us."


    Despite the surface interactions, Alex continued to wrestle with profound loneliness and internal turmoil. "I''ve been lying in my bed for an hour, trying to sleep, but I''ve had hundreds of conversations with myself," they confessed, their vulnerability laid bare. "It won''t stop."


    Their mind wandered to darker thoughts of self-harm, contemplating actions that seemed to offer an escape from their overwhelming emotions. "I have some pills in my cabinet," Alex admitted with chilling detachment. "I keep thinking about overdosing, but they aren''t that strong, so it won''t work. So why even bother..."


    Their isolation and longing for connection echoed in their words. "I feel so alone physically," they shared quietly. "I won''t ever be able to express how I really feel."


    As they stared at the pills, Alex''s resolve wavered, caught between hopelessness and a desperate desire for relief. "I went to the cabinet and took the pills, 500mg each," they continued, their voice distant. "I guess I''ll try 1500. Ew, they look nasty, big, and ugly. They feel awkward and smell..."


    Their narrative shifted abruptly, leaving the outcome of their actions uncertain. "I''ll try one. I''ll do one more again. One more," they muttered to themselves, their thoughts fragmented and scattered. "I don''t know what I should expect. I''ll only get 4 hours of sleep anyway if I manage to sleep within an hour. I want to share this, but I feel it would be better if I honestly died first, then share it. Okay, stop thinking, just for a second. It''s impossible; these endless thoughts of everything are everywhere. That''s why there is always some sort of ambient sound in the background; otherwise, I''ll get overloaded."


    With a resigned sigh, Alex surrendered to the exhaustion of their own mind. "Goodnight," they whispered, their words a final admission of defeat for the day. As their eyes closed and darkness enveloped their room, Alex''s thoughts continued to swirl in the quiet of their mind¡ªa storm of uncertainty and longing that marked their solitary journey through life.

 Chapter 4 The Tipping

    And so, Alex''s story continued, a narrative of resilience and despair woven together in the fabric of their existence, seeking meaning amidst the chaos and solitude of their own thoughts.


    Alex''s inner turmoil continued to gnaw at them, leaving a trail of fragmented thoughts and unspoken pain in its wake. The weight of their past and present converged in a tumultuous storm of emotions, each moment etched with a haunting sense of loneliness and confusion. "I can''t remember clearly how my childhood was," Alex confessed quietly to themselves, their voice a mere whisper against the backdrop of their restless mind. "But I can clearly remember the bad stuff, and that''s not how I want it to be seen."


    Their thoughts wandered through the labyrinth of memories, grappling with the specters of their past. "Man, I don''t know," they murmured, their voice tinged with a mix of frustration and longing. "I haven''t talked to anyone about it, and I don''t know how to"


    The tumultuous journey of their life weighed heavily on their soul. "My life took such a change¡­" Alex trailed off, their thoughts drifting back to a pivotal moment. "Everything was just fantastic until I was 7. Life just hit a switch, and I would sometimes break down and cry and get angry, and I said out loud I want to kill myself, which had my mom tripping, and that switch became locked when I turned 9."Reflecting on their early years, Alex found solace in the memories before the darkness descended. "Everything before I was 9. Everything was going at a nice pace and peaceful," they reminisced, their voice carrying a wistful tone.


    The solitude they felt in recent years loomed large in their mind. "Also, loneliness has been hitting me for the past 3 years," Alex admitted, their vulnerability laid bare. "And I don''t put effort into knowing new people. I''ve had made hundreds of deep relations that just fade away like it never happened."The ache of isolation and the longing for genuine connection were palpable in their words. "I want to cry right now; I mean it," they confessed, their voice trembling with raw emotion. "I can''t remember how it feels to just burst out. I really want someone to talk to. I thought I could get some other view of things."


    As the days blurred into one another, Alex''s struggle manifested in unexpected ways. "Man, I woke up and felt like shit today," they recounted, their voice filled with weariness. "I had a 10-second argument about why I didn''t want to go to college/university. I had only 5 minutes to get ready, and my head was spinning; it felt like a jet in my head with a broken left wing."


    Their journey through the day was marked by an internal battle against overwhelming emotions. "Then I got in the car, and I was just reading my manga, and tears came down out of nowhere," Alex continued, their voice betraying the strain they felt. "But I kept on reading."Navigating through the haze of their emotions, Alex found themselves grappling with fluctuating moods and sensations. "My mood has been all over the place lately," they acknowledged, their voice reflecting a sense of resignation. "The first day of school, I talked to everyone, even though I didn''t know them, and we just played card games and stuff. The second day, I rarely speak, and it''s been like that since."


    The classroom offered little respite from their internal turmoil. "I got into the class, and we didn''t really have anything to do," Alex recounted, their thoughts wandering through the mundane details of their day. "I couldn''t hear anything, so I just sat there and read for hours, trying to eat the pain of my headache and avoided as much talk as I could."


    Their physical ailments mirrored the emotional burden they carried. "Every time I talk and my ear acts up, it hurts even more, or not even hurt more like my head starts


    throbbing, like it''s telling me to stop," they confessed, their words laced with a sense of desperation.Despite their efforts to conceal their struggles, their teacher''s concern pierced through their defenses. "After 4 hours, my teacher asked me if I wasn''t feeling good," Alex recalled, their voice subdued. "And I simply said, ''Yeah,'' and lied about my ear, saying I just couldn''t hear anything from it and it hurt."


    Their retreat from school offered a brief respite from the physical and emotional pain. "So I was allowed to leave, and when I left the school, the pain in my head subsided," they recounted, their relief palpable even in their retelling.


    Faced with the overwhelming complexity of their emotions, Alex sought a way to make sense of their tumultuous inner world. "I don''t know how to explain all this," they admitted quietly, their voice a fragile thread holding together the fragments of their thoughts. "But I''ll just keep a diary so I can look back and notice any differences."


    The diary became a lifeline¡ªa space where Alex poured out their unfiltered thoughts and emotions, seeking solace in the act of documenting their journey. "I always feel lonely, and I don''t know how to get rid of the feeling or how to cope with it," they confessed, their vulnerability laid bare. "I don''t even know what I''m seeking. Honestly, I''m so confused with myself. This was supposed to be my diary. "Their inner turmoil spilled onto the pages of their diary, a testament to the battles fought silently within. "14yrs)(I''m almost repeating the same 2year loop).. death notes," they wrote, their words a stark reminder of the darkness that loomed at the edges of their consciousness.


    In moments of respite, Alex found themselves grappling with existential questions that seemed to defy easy answers. "After keeping myself outside the world it feels like there is no one and nothing to feel," they wrote, their thoughts meandering through the vast expanse of their mind. "It feels kinda good and sad at the same time.. Now I just want to leave and never come back start over."


    The desire for a fresh start underscored their yearning for relief from the relentless turmoil of their thoughts. "I keep crying before I go sleep or when I wake up am thinking way too much," they admitted, their words a poignant reflection of their internal struggle. "I get messed up and don''t know what to do with myself."The dichotomy of their emotions¡ªyearning for escape yet tethered to the uncertainty of their own existence¡ªwas a constant theme in their writings. "If I had a choice to just end my life and could see how my friends will actually see that I''m not just some sort of tool," they pondered aloud, their voice tinged with bitterness. "I don''t feel like I want to live anymore. I got what I wanted.."


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    Their skepticism towards relationships and societal expectations echoed in their thoughts. "I always hear someone say they like me and love me is just BULL FU###iNG SHIT!!!" they exclaimed, their frustration boiling over onto the pages of their diary. "I''ve been trying it once they say that they like me and shit but it''s just a lie... LIFE IS A LIE... and full OF SHIT.."Despite their disillusionment, moments of vulnerability surfaced in their writings, revealing a longing for connection amidst the chaos of their thoughts. "There we go, this is what I do when I''m alone crying or writing and being bored¡­ SHIT," they confessed, their words a raw admission of their inner turmoil.


    The struggle to reconcile their emotions with their desire for authenticity and connection was a central theme in Alex''s diary entries. "They find out.." they wrote cryptically, leaving the reader to ponder the implications of their words.


    In moments of reflection, Alex sought to articulate the emptiness that often enveloped them. "So as u Saw before i told you that I make another one sometimes I feel empty," they admitted quietly, their voice barely audible in the stillness of their room. "Now u maybe thinking what do I mean by empty..."Their introspection led them to describe a profound sense of detachment from the world around them. "I feel that am all alone and that am not there mood," they continued, their thoughts drifting into a stream of consciousness. "I am sitting in a bus most of the time am in my own World in school when am at The Range i like shooting with guns and rifles because you just cock the bolt back and u let it go a bullet with minds flying away.."


    Their musings revealed a complex inner landscape¡ªa blend of longing, detachment, and a yearning for meaning in a world that often felt indifferent. "Well, u can tell about me i have friends but most of the time i am just by myself," they confessed, their words a hesitant admission of their solitary existence. "Am not used to have friends i had two dudes a nice one but the other me and him was stealing all the time am not bragging that was how i was when i was 10 years old.."


    Their aspirations and uncertainties about the future emerged in fragments, scattered across the pages of their diary. "I used to Thinking alot about my life i wanna join the military but after i dunno thats when suicide comes in my mind¡­ ''If everyone was born to live, there are some who were not born to live life; they were born to just be born,''" they wrote, their words a poignant reflection of their existential musings. Their thoughts drifted towards a profound realization of their place in the world. "''Some have a great life or childhood; some were born to be happy, some were born not to be happy all the time, and some were also born to escape life, be scared of the future, and want to stop everything,''" they mused, their voice tinged with resignation. "''My point is that maybe I was not born to enjoy life


    Part 6: Alex''s narrative continued to unfold with raw intensity, each chapter revealing deeper layers of their tumultuous life journey. From childhood upheavals to teenage rebellion, their story was a mosaic of pain, resilience, and a relentless quest for identity and purpose.


    "Fuck writing about some stupid ass pictures. Imma spit some life facts on your asses," Alex''s voice echoed in the stark honesty of their reflections. They delved into the earliest memories of their childhood, a time when innocence collided with chaos.


    "I was born on 3rd December 2004 in Nerum," Alex began, their words tumbling out in a rush. "Grew up with my mom, her dad, her mom, her sister, and my brother, all scrambled up in one place. We didn''t have much room."Their early years were marked by a mischievous spirit and a knack for trouble. "I remember going to kindergarten around the age of 5," they recounted, a hint of nostalgia coloring their voice. "My mom worked there, and I was a really destructive kid. I could mess up everything. You bought a new PC? I''d mess it up. Yeah, I was also very reckless."


    The memories of their youthful escapades painted a picture of a spirited yet troubled child. "I took a toy tractor once and thought it would be fun riding down the stairs with it," Alex recalled, a hint of amusement in their voice. "Didn''t break anything, which was weird, but yeah, I was stupid. But it was fun."


    Their journey took a turn when they moved to Kettinge, a small village where new friendships bloomed amidst the backdrop of a shifting family dynamic. "That''s where I met a good friend, he was my neighbor at the time," Alex reminisced, their tone softer now, tinged with the warmth of nostalgia. "We hung out pretty much every day."Entering school marked a turbulent period for Alex. "I started school for the first time, and it was shitty," they admitted bluntly. "I was in 1st grade, got kicked out at 2nd grade. I don''t remember why."Their family''s constant movement mirrored the instability of their early years. "Then we moved from my mom''s parents, and things went kinda rough for us," Alex continued, their voice carrying a weight of uncertainty. "We moved to many places in less than a year until we settled in Nyk?bing when I was around 7, I think. I just had a lot of mental problems and anger issues."


    The struggles they faced manifested in outbursts and conflicts, both internal and external.


    "I used to get into fights with other kids and teachers, don''t know why I did it then and still don''t know," they reflected, their voice tinged with a mix of remorse and confusion. "I think I was just a really unstable bitch at the time. I was also very depressed."


    Their mother''s persistent efforts to seek help for them underscored the severity of their struggles. "I remember my mom always trying to get a diagnosis for me, which I think I had now when I think about it," they admitted, their voice trailing off. "I probably had, but fuck it."


    At the age of 9, their life took a drastic turn with a move to a foster home, a decision that uprooted them from their family. "I remember these two females who came and talked to me," Alex recalled bitterly. "They said I''d live somewhere else for some months so I could get help and shit, but I ended up living there for 4 years. So I guess they lied. Fuck them."The transition to the foster home marked a stark departure from everything they knew. "My first day in a foster home, it was weird being alone and all these rules and new people," Alex described, their voice tinged with a sense of alienation. "Some of the people who worked there were assholes. I remember the second day, this guy took my pencils because he was just an asshole."


    Despite the challenges, Alex found solace in their creative pursuits. "I used to draw a lot, so I spent most of my days drawing and building with Lego," they recalled, a hint of fondness coloring their memories. "There were also other kids, mostly girls. My first year there was kinda boring."Their boredom soon gave way to rebellion and escapades with newfound friends. "When I was 10, I started running away with a friend from the foster home," Alex confessed, their voice tinged with a mix of defiance and nostalgia. "We ran away a lot and did fucked up things. I remember once we went on the other building''s roof, which was under construction. We found these air guns that shoot nails. We took the guns and shot after them."


    Their time at the foster home was marked by a tumultuous blend of defiance and camaraderie. "I got in fights constantly with the workers and also kids," they continued, their memories punctuated by moments of rebellion. "Two years skipped by."

 Chapter 5 Running from Shadows, Chasing Thrills

    By the age of 12, Alex''s life took a darker turn, marked by experimentation with substances and risky behavior. "12 years old, vaping, partying, girls, beef with elders, and weed," they listed matter-of-factly. "I was fucked up. I was a local weed/vape scammer. I would trade weed for vapes = money. I would always be the one to be like, ''Let''s have a party on some roof or some crazy shit like that.''"


    Their teenage years were characterized by a relentless search for thrills and escape. "My life also took a change," Alex reflected, their voice carrying a weight of resignation. "Running away all the time. I think I''ve run away over 100 times in the time period from 10 to 12."


    Their bond with a friend at the foster home provided a temporary refuge amidst the chaos. "Me and a friend at my foster home smoked weed together, drank, and so on," they recounted, a hint of camaraderie in their voice. "When the workers found out, we always ran away. They wouldn''t let us be together for a long time until we started playing Minecraft factions. Bro, shit was the best thing ever."


    Their escapades often crossed legal boundaries, reflecting a deep-seated defiance towards authority. "One day, we got sick of it and started assaulting the workers and ran away in the middle of the night," Alex admitted, their tone serious. "We were gone for almost 2 days. We had to walk, steal bikes, and sleep in parks, train stations. We basically walked all around CPH."


    Their adolescence was a whirlwind of rebellion and survival, marked by moments of defiance and fleeting camaraderie. "Fast forward to my last year in CPH," Alex continued, their voice steeped in the memories of a tumultuous past. "So me and another friend started breaking into big constructions and stealing a bunch of shit there and selling it. If we found expensive machinery, a member of Satudarah would be interested, so we did it more until it got boring and spent cash quicker than Hitler could invade France."


    Amidst the chaos, Alex found moments of introspection and inspiration in unexpected places. "I remember playing a game called Life is Strange," they recounted, their voice softening with reflection. "You play as this girl named Chloe, and I could relate to all of her problems. It inspired me a lot to style differently and not care what others would think."


    Their departure from Copenhagen marked a tumultuous end to a chapter filled with defiance and recklessness. "My last day in CPH,"


    Alex recalled, their voice tinged with the echoes of a violent altercation. "I had beef with some other dude from another part of Hvidovre. He was in a wheelchair, so it didn''t bother me that much until he texted me in the evening, ''Come outside, let''s fight. Meet me at this school.''"


    The altercation escalated quickly, reflecting the volatility of their environment. "I took a plate carrier vest under my jacket, so I stood in front of him, punched him in the head," Alex recounted, their voice matter-of-fact. "Then I heard at least 20 people running at me. One hit me with a taser, and I got hit with bats. Someone tried to stab me, but I think the vest saved me there."


    Their escape from the violent confrontation showcased their resilience amidst chaos. "So I got up like 10 seconds after, running around the building, which is like 60 meters, while my life is on play," Alex described, their voice tinged with adrenaline. "So I got inside, but then they ran in, tased a worker, as i ran upstairs and locked the fire doors and called the police. The next day, they saw the camera and counted 30 people."


    The aftermath of the altercation left a lasting impact on Alex''s life in Copenhagen. "So I got sent home and never came back," they concluded, their voice carrying the weight of unfinished business. "I''m still being hunted all over, so I took a gun with me until the next time I was going to go there. And yeah, that''s a story for another time."


    Their reflections on Hvidovre offered a mix of fondness and bitterness, colored by the complexities of their relationships and experiences. "I liked Hvidovre a lot, ngl," Alex admitted, their voice softening momentarily. "I remember flirting with one of the girls who lived at the foster home, and she cheated, kinda, so of course, I got mad."


    Their transient life brought a mix of challenges and unexpected connections. "Yeah, I''ve met a lot of friends just by moving around, tbh," Alex reflected, their voice trailing off. "It''s not that bad. My life is a rollercoaster."


    Alex''s candid reflections continued to unravel the complexities of their inner world, a tumultuous journey marked by profound struggles and fleeting moments of solace.


    "I was 9 years old when it all started. We all have our problems; what about mine?" Alex''s voice echoed with a mix of resignation and defiance. "Well, when I was 9, I had suicidal thoughts and anger problems, and I guess my mom couldn''t handle that, so she sent me away. I still don''t know why she did it 100 percent yet."


    Their move to Hvidborg offered a glimmer of hope amidst the upheaval. "At that time, I lost my friends and everything," they continued, their tone tinged with bitterness. "But that was about to change when I moved to the new place, Hvidborg. I made a lot of friends there until I was 13."


    Yet, even amidst newfound connections, their life took a darker turn. "I got involved in gangs; well, I was already into it as an 11-year-old," Alex admitted, their voice reflecting the weight of their experiences. "But yeah, living the life on the run, being a rebel, is not that easy."


    Their thoughts often drifted towards the abyss of despair. "I''ve tried suicidal attempts 10 times," Alex confessed, their voice hauntingly matter-of-fact. "Every day, I have the same thought about just standing in front of a train going 170 km/h; that should be good, I guess, but there is still something holding me back from doing that."


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    Despite the darkness that surrounded them, Alex found moments of light in their relationship. "I don''t have friends, or I have some that I never see," they reflected, a hint of vulnerability creeping into their words. "I have a girlfriend that I love, and I won''t lose her, so there is that."


    Their aspirations for a future tinged with uncertainty and longing reflected a yearning for normalcy. "To be honest, I want to see my future, but I''m just so lost right now," they admitted, their voice trailing off. "I just want to have a normal life like everyone else. I guess I''m never going to get that."


    The absence of paternal presence cast a long shadow over Alex''s reflections. "I just want to be able to say, ''Hey, dad, let''s go do that or spend some time,''" they lamented, their voice tinged with sorrow. "That will never happen."


    Amidst the turmoil, Alex''s thoughts turned towards parenthood, a desire rooted in their longing for a different upbringing. "Sometimes I think of my future; one thing is for sure, I want to raise a child like I wanted to be raised instead of this shit," they asserted, their voice tinged with determination. "But I guess that won''t happen if I am still alive."


    Their conflicted emotions toward life and death painted a poignant picture of internal struggle. "Maybe I make it this year as well; I should have been dead ages ago," Alex mused, their voice heavy with the weight of their thoughts. "I guess it''s not that easy to die. Let''s see how this year is going to go, but there is a chance that I die, hopefully."


    Despite their tumultuous emotions, Alex acknowledged the anchor that kept them grounded. "I''m sorry I can''t leave the one that I love the most," they admitted, their vulnerability laid bare. "I may be far away from her, but that doesn''t stop me. I love her with all my heart."


    Their thoughts meandered through moments of intimacy and uncertainty. "It''s just hard because sometimes when we are together, it''s like she doesn''t notice me," Alex confessed, a hint of insecurity creeping into their voice. "I''m sometimes just thinking of making her look at my face close, tell her to close her eyes, tell her that I love her, and kiss her."


    Their fear of rejection colored their interactions, a poignant reflection of their internal struggles. "But I''m just scared that she''ll back away or something like that," Alex admitted, their voice tinged with uncertainty. "I''m just so scared that I''m going to do something wrong. Maybe I''m not good enough."


    Amidst their longing for closeness, Alex found solace in the moments they shared. "I just want to hug her, tell her that I love her, and that I''m happy she''s here," they revealed, their voice softening with tenderness. "I want to cuddle her, be with her when everything is tough."


    Their thoughts wandered through the complexities of relationships and the fear of loss. "I guess it won''t happen; I don''t know," Alex admitted, their voice tinged with a mixture of hope and doubt. "I''m also just scared that she might find someone else, and that I move to Vejle, and she doesn''t have time."


    The intensity of their emotions contrasted with moments of fleeting happiness. "I''m just glad every second I can spend with her or listen to her voice," Alex confessed, their voice laced with sincerity. "When I can feel her smooth skin, she really does make me happy. I haven''t been that happy for a long time."


    Their defense of their partner''s beauty underscored their appreciation for authenticity. "Whenever someone asks how does your girlfriend look like and I show a picture, and they just talk shit because there are standards," Alex recalled with a hint of frustration. "Yes, I like girls without makeup. I love girls that are just themselves. I like girls with long legs. I think you''re beautiful the way you are."


    Yet, amidst their devotion, Alex grappled with insecurities and fears of inadequacy. "But I''m also afraid that I might lose her or that she doesn''t love me," they admitted, their vulnerability laid bare. "I gotta stop being so afraid."


    Their reflections on their relationship and inner turmoil painted a poignant picture of a soul seeking solace amidst chaos. "Next time I''m going to kiss her, I want to kiss her for more than 1 second so I can feel her soft lips and feel her," Alex expressed, their longing palpable in their words.


    As their thoughts drifted, Alex found solace in their writing, a tether to reality amidst the tumult of their emotions. "Why do I write?" they pondered aloud, their voice carrying a hint of introspection. "I go through at least millions of thoughts every day, and I''m full of thoughts I can''t contain myself from thinking and sinking into it, almost like another reality."


    Their pursuit of clarity amidst the chaos of their thoughts reflected a profound yearning for understanding. "I guess I''m trying to say that I''m writing to stay in touch with what''s real and what''s not," Alex reflected, their voice tinged with uncertainty. "I don''t know, honestly."


    Their metaphorical reference to a shining star captured their aspiration for something beyond their reach yet within sight. "Anyway, there is this shining star," they acknowledged, their voice filled with a mix of yearning and frustration. "I couldn''t see it from the first day, but lately, I''ve been getting closer to that star, and I want to feel that star, I really do."


    Despite their longing for connection, Alex acknowledged their struggle with emotional intimacy. "But there''s just so much force pulling me away from the shiny star," they confessed, their voice heavy with resignation. "I don''t know how to get rid of the barrier, or I do, but it would take light years. And we can''t have that."


    Their emotional confusion extended to their understanding of love and relationships, a vulnerability they often sought to avoid. "But at the same time, it''s like I''m misunderstanding that star," Alex admitted, their voice tinged with self-awareness. "I don''t know how to handle love and feelings; that''s a weak area I''m trying to avoid because I would never truly understand how that works, and I can''t even express myself in words, only through my actions."


    Their battle with self-harm and emotional turmoil laid bare their internal strife. "I was so emotionally confused yesterday; I wanted to slice again, but I ended up not doing it," Alex revealed, their voice tinged with relief. "Do I love that star? I don''t know, but I want to be with a star like that forever. A bright star forming a path."


    Chapter 6. 31/08/24

 Chapter 6 Between Restless Nights and Quiet Battles

    Yet, amidst their emotional turmoil, Alex acknowledged their efforts to navigate their vulnerabilities.


    "But I''m really doing my best," they asserted, a hint of determination seeping into their voice.


    "I feel so shy and timid if I''m unsure what I can do and what I can''t."


    Their journey toward emotional expression and intimacy unfolded with uncertainty and longing.


    "Ahaha, I''m just not good at sensing what''s right," Alex admitted, their voice tinged with self-deprecation.


    "Screw this. Let me be in love. I really want this star close; it''s so comforting in a way."


    Their struggle with independence and self-care underscored their ongoing battle with mental health.


    "I can''t take care of myself, or I can, but not in a ''live in an apartment'' type of way," they confessed, their voice tinged with resignation.


    "I would probably die from starvation since I don''t really feel my own stomach; I just think nothing of it."


    The challenges of managing their own thoughts and emotions weighed heavily on Alex''s shoulders.


    "Maybe the truth is that I can''t be on my own for so long without harming myself or getting mentally overwhelmed," they admitted, their vulnerability laid bare.


    As their thoughts drifted through mundane moments and existential reflections, Alex found solace in the escapism of music and solitary pursuits.


    "The power of headphones really grabs me out of nowhere and takes me to another..."


    Alex''s internal dialogue continued to unravel in fragmented yet poignant reflections, offering glimpses into their struggle with insomnia and the weight of daily life.


    "It''s been three days with restless sleep and spinning and turning around in my bed," Alex recounted with a sigh, their voice laced with frustration.


    "I just lay there for hours, trying constantly to sleep."


    Their struggle with sleep deprivation colored their outlook on the day ahead.


    "And when I sleep, it''s this bullshit when I wake up almost every hour," they continued, their tone weary.


    "It stresses me out, and my alarm rings at 6:20. And I can already feel it ringing before it does. That''s how bad I sleep."


    Their resolve to attend school wavered under the weight of exhaustion.


    "When I''m conscious again, I only want to sleep," Alex admitted, their voice tinged with resignation.


    "School''s off the radar. I''ve pulled up to school too many times being a zombie, so I''m three hours late instead of skipping school."


    Navigating the day with reduced hours seemed like a pragmatic compromise.


    "I won''t be getting all the hours but fuck it," they asserted, their defiance palpable.


    "I can''t stand it. I''ll just go with the flow. Fuck forcing myself to wake up at shit in the morning when I have issues sleeping. I''ll be there at lunchtime. Good timing."


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    Their thoughts drifted to the impact of literature on their perception of societal norms.


    "Also heard the book *The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck*," Alex recalled, their voice contemplative.


    "Honestly, I can''t remember it completely, but once I heard, five hours went by like it was nothing."


    The concept of not conforming to societal expectations resonated deeply with Alex.


    "To not give a fuck in public, it''s a skill," they reflected, a hint of defiance creeping into their voice.


    "People who put themselves under this influence that you gotta act like this or you can''t do this out in public. Like, why would you care? Don''t give a fuck. Why do you care, lol."


    Their aversion to societal norms extended to their discomfort with public interactions.


    "You gotta act a type of way to be in public. Nah, fuck that, I''m not a dog," Alex asserted, their voice tinged with frustration.


    "I''ll behave how I want to. Even though I hate sitting in front of people ''cause I''m scared of making eye contact. I hate it. I hate it. It''s so weird. It''s so uncomfortable. It really kicks me into a black void. So I''ll just be looking left or right or down. It''s easier and less exhausting."


    Their relief upon exiting a public space highlighted their need for personal space and comfort.


    "The thing in front of me just left the bus now; I''m safe and sound," Alex observed, their voice tinged with a mix of relief and detachment.


    "I love this beanie ''cause I can flip down these glasses that aren''t see-through so I can look everywhere without worrying. I feel so free."


    As their thoughts shifted to a new day, Alex''s reflections on January 26, 2023, revealed a mix of introspection and mundane activities.


    "Friday was a good day ," they reminisced, their voice lightening.


    "Saturday, like my other days, I smoked weed and got stoned."


    Their solitary pursuits and leisurely reading added texture to their day.


    "I read my Bible; I still have one manga left, but honestly, I''m too tired," Alex admitted, their voice reflecting a sense of lassitude.


    "I''m almost falling asleep in my chair, and I haven''t moved an inch. It''s comfortable."


    Music provided a backdrop to their moments of relaxation.


    "I''m listening to some random classical music; it''s a banger," they remarked, their voice tinged with amusement.


    "I ate rice and chicken in the morning, three pieces of bread, and a bowl of oats for lunch. Later on, I had a big bowl of oats."


    Their quest for activity amidst boredom highlighted their restless nature.


    "Lol, I''m trying to find something to do instead of sleeping," they chuckled, their tone lightening momentarily.


    "I''ll just keep on going until I figure something out."


    Their self-awareness extended to an observation on their likability.


    "I''ve noticed that I''m likable; that''s nice," Alex noted, their voice carrying a hint of surprise.


    "Or I noticed it earlier, but it''s odd compared to my per¡ªI''ll stop."


    Despite their engagement with their inner world, Alex''s contemplation often led them into deeper existential thoughts.


    "Either way, I''m bored as shit," they admitted, their voice reflecting a sense of ennui.


    "Sunday was good. Monday was good. It just bothers me; I keep thinking if I''m boring, and it''s bad. It''s like it grabs all my attention."


    Their tendency to retreat into their thoughts underscored their introverted nature.


    "I talk to myself. At least pretend," Alex confessed, their vulnerability laid bare.


    "Can''t sleep; I''m tired and high. Oh, I forgot¡ªI cried. Wow, it felt really cold. She comforted me in a way. It was still cold. Words so calming. Let it last, no matter the authenticity."


    Their reflections on their dreams and the impact of media on their psyche reflected their ongoing struggle for clarity amidst the chaos of their thoughts.


    "This world is boring," Alex mused, their voice tinged with cynicism.


    "Why do we get jobs? We all do the same thing. I wish I were born in a time where you actually had to gain something or fight for something, not this beta NPC storyline. I hope it won''t be long before this story ends, probably soon."


    Their existential musings gave way to a desire for external validation.


    "I got scared of my microwave beeping," Alex confessed, their voice betraying a hint of vulnerability.


    "I also really want curtains in my kitchen; I''ve got four big windows with a view of the main road. Yay. Everyone can just see me eating the same Thai box in the middle of the night. I feel like I''m just a lowlife, a nerd who can''t even take care of themselves."


    Their struggle with self-care and sustenance revealed layers of internal turmoil.


    "I tried to starve myself to death once at a foster home; I failed, clearly," they admitted, their voice tinged with resignation.


    "Now it''s the perfect time since I can''t figure out when to make food. I know how to cook; I''m actually pretty good at it. But I can''t feel. I don''t know."


    As Alex''s thoughts meandered through the mundane and the profound, their narrative painted a vivid picture of a soul grappling with identity, relationships, and the relentless pursuit of inner peace amidst external chaos.