《Black Humor》


 chapter 1

    There¡¯s a lot of ways to describe my life, but from the time I could remember, I know I meant to be ordinary. The situation is, it¡¯s hard to commit you¡¯re ordinary, I did try, my parents paid a lot of money to let me learn filmmaking, but I finally ended up writing script in Donny¡¯s pizza house. How pathetic. But god finally had his mercy on me, I met Olivia. It all happened in a rainy, nasty night, I was writing a boring romantic comedy script under the yellow light , forced to bear the smell of bad oil. She pushed the door and walked in, her blue eyes and blonde hair were glowing, I saw a raindrop stuck on her eyelashes, liked expensive jewelry. She glanced at me - god knows her eyes were like lakes, made you keep drowning - then she decided to sit next to me, together with the beautiful cherry smell. I recognized her - the famous Broadway actress - Olivia¡¤Havilland.


    Olivia told me she fell in love with me from the glance, but I know she married me not for love - I know this many years later, though this makes me seemed more pathetic, but one thing you need to know, I never loved this woman. She¡¯s pretty, undeniable charming, yes, but she¡¯s hateful, annoying at the same time. Her father, Mr.Havilland loves her, and that makes her most time acting like a, I hate to say this, a jerk. But still, I asked her to marry me as many other normal guys in a normal evening, the proposal took place at the seaside, I saw dolphin jumped out of the sea, the moon was so bright, she said yes, that¡¯s the moment of love. Even I don¡¯t love her. Do I?


    I don¡¯t want to figure this out, all I know is after the proposal, I formally became a member of the Havilland family, and yes, just as you guess, my last name is Havilland now. I share the wealth of this old family with other family members, like I was originally born here. In return, I need to take care of Mr.Havilland, I don¡¯t write script anymore, people call me nanny now. I don¡¯t have a choice of how other people think about me, I choose money first, after all.


    It¡¯s hard to describe Mr.Havilland, he¡¯s sick from the time I first saw him, coughing old man, sitting in a enormously big wooden chair, talked to me as if that was his last breathe, ¡°would you marry my daughter or not?¡±, that¡¯s what he always said to me. I sometimes felt confused, did he really worry about his daughter that time, or he just wanted to find a free nanny? But when I¡¯m actually taking care of him, I find he¡¯s amazingly healthy, with clear mind. He¡¯s afraid of death, I can see, he needs to take five different types of pills each day, and he¡¯s always talking about his will.


    His will, like a spell in this family, or a curse.


    I know everyone in this family wants to see the will, me, Olivia, her siblings, and Mr.Havilland¡¯s wife. But nobody ever mentioned about this. There are many strict rules in this family, and the first and second rules are never asked about Mr.Havilland¡¯s will. Olivia told me this the first day I moved into the house, that time I was sitting in the couch, sensing how cold and unwelcoming this house was, and thinking about the actual meaning of this marriage - why would I marry her, why would she marry me? Then Olivia started talking about these strange rules, there were about 52 rules, others didn¡¯t matter, the first two were the rules that actually working, made the rest fifty rules like some kind of cover up.


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    Then we had dinner with other members in this family - Ms.Vanderbroom, Joan, Matthew and George.


    I never seen them all sitting together before, the relationship between them were kind of complicated due to the three marriage Mr.Havilland had. Ms.Vanderbrrom, the currently wife of Mr.Havilland, somehow doesn¡¯t change her family name. Her first name was Helen, nobody called her in that name for a pretty long time. She is elegant, wearing pearls, the long and straight red hair now is half white. I heard a lot of people say she¡¯s like a witch, or a vampire, but herself is more like swan to me. Joan is the oldest child of Mr.Havilland, she was 32 when I first met her, but still unmarried. She has dark brown curly hair and brown eyes, just like her dead mom. All I know about her was that she teaches chemistry in a high school, she always seemed nervous and anxious, likes a deer facing the wolf. Matthew, Olivia¡¯s actual sibling, also the youngest child in this family, is the wolf. He has similar face as Olivia, even more charming, but in personality, he¡¯s way worse than his sister. I could see that night, that he didn¡¯t like me, or he was just put some of his anger on me, cause Joan refused to talk to him that night, though from my point of view, he was nearly begging her for a short conversation. He¡¯s a doctor, but if I¡¯m the patient and he¡¯s the only choice I have, I¡¯d rather die. Finally George, I didn¡¯t know much about him, even now. He¡¯s mystery, all I know is that he¡¯s the second child of this family, but his mother is the third wife of Mr.Havilland - Ms.Vanderbroom, a cheating history hidden under her swan mask. That probably could explain why George always looks so depressed, when I see him, somehow only Allan Poe and suicide left in my brain. This is how powerful George is, so I always try to avoid meeting him , which is hard, because he¡¯s as me, staying in this house most of the time - he¡¯s a pianist, he doesn¡¯t need to go to work.


    Bearing this family could be hard, luckily they couldn¡¯t bear each other, so they only see each other in some important events, like Thanksgiving and Christmas to avoid argument and fighting, or like today, Mr.Havilland finally wants to announce his will.


    It¡¯s time to go downstairs and wake Mr.Havilland from his little nap, Olivia complained to me yesterday that this sudden decision of her father made her missing an important acting opportunity, I know other people are annoyed, except George and Ms.Vanderbroom, they have plenty of time.


    But when I on my way to the study room, I feel something wrong will happen, I don¡¯t want to think about it, but images keep showing in my brain, and each image could match the situation I see now - Mr.Havilland falls from his wooden chair, lying on the floor, his mouth opens, but not breathing, his face now looks like rotten eggplant. He¡¯s dead, in the most important day of this family.


    I know it seems unprofessional and not proper, but I start screaming.

 Chapter 2

    Some people may agree with destiny, like you are born to do some specific career. I know Dale is meant to be a detective the first time I saw him. He was only 30 that time, but felt like he was already as old as Mr.Havilland, they were friends, indeed. He¡¯s basically a combination of all kinds of detective elements, he has stories, but all too boring to be told.


    So now he¡¯s standing there, in front of Mr.Havilland¡¯s dead body, I try to find a little bit of sadness in his eyes, but no. He just standing.


    ¡°It¡¯s good you didn¡¯t call the police.¡± Olivia gently puts her head on my shoulder, others nod. ¡°Though we also don¡¯t like Dale,¡± Matthew stares at him, ¡°I bet he¡¯s thinking about the will, too.¡± he mumbles, with a sort of anger in it.


    In the past 10 years, Dale actually never mentioned the will, and that kind of explained why Mr.Havilland liked him - he didn¡¯t mention, not because of those weird rules, but because he really didn¡¯t want to know it, at least, seemed didn¡¯t want to know it. Back that time, Dale only cared about justice, instead of wealth.


    But what about now? I have no idea, nor do other people, even we¡¯ve all spent such a long time together with Dale, like he¡¯s another family member here.


    ¡°He¡¯s poisoned.¡±Dale stands up, makes a conclusion, ¡°Someone here poisoned him.¡± he keeps staring at me when he says this.


    ¡°We had dinner together yesterday,¡± I don¡¯t know why I say this, I look at Olivia, she nods quickly, like an encouragement, ¡°I¡¯m not sure whether Mr.Havilland had other food after supper yesterday, he didn¡¯t ask me to deliver food or anything.¡± ¡°And I didn¡¯t say you¡¯re guilty.¡± Dale responses slowly, I really want to give him a punch when he talks like this, ¡°In fact,¡± he just looks at us, with a strange expression on his face, ¡°I think everybody in this room is suspicious.¡±


    ¡°I just don¡¯t understand who¡¯s stupid enough to murder my father in such an important time,¡± Matthew takes a pack of cigarette out from his pocket, ¡°besides, Mr.Detective - I know you want to be called like this - when you say everyone  here is suspicious, that means you¡¯re one of the suspects too. Do I make any sense?¡± He looks at us, likes he wins this murderer finding game. ¡°Now, may I leave, I just need to take a smoke out in the yard.¡±


    He walks out quickly, I softly touches Olivia¡¯s fingers as comfort, then I follow him.


    It always be a tough thing for me to agree with Matthew, but this time, I have to admit that he¡¯s right - nobody¡¯s dumb enough to ruin the big day by killing Mr.Havilland, but at the same time, Matthew is actually quite dubious, he¡¯s a doctor, after all, though we¡¯re still figuring out which poison the murderer actually used, he¡¯s definitely the one who can get poison in the easiest way.


    ¡°Matt, been a long time since we last saw each other.¡± I stand next to him, see him puffing, try to be friendly, ¡°Do you mind?¡± He rolls his eyes, but still gives me a cigarette. ¡°You know you don¡¯t need to pretend to be nice,¡± he takes another puff, ¡°the truth is that we never liked each other, no bother to change that.¡± He turns his head and looks at me, and says in an extremely serious voice: ¡°I know you all think I¡¯m the one who¡¯s most suspicious, just because I¡¯m some kind of stupid doctor, but I¡¯ll never kill my own father. I¡¯m not that type of monster.¡± ¡°What about Joan? She¡¯s a chemistry teacher, perhaps she can make one on her own, it¡¯s not hard, I suppose.¡± I ask, just to test something. ¡°No, won¡¯t be her.¡± Matthew answers quickly and firmly, with a mild impatient that he probably doesn¡¯t notice himself, just as I expected. ¡°She¡¯s too scared to do anything big,¡± He adds, as a sort of explanation, ¡°you¡¯ve never really known her, she¡¯s like a little rabbit, needs to be protected, she¡¯s just, too weak, can¡¯t live without a stronger person.¡± ¡°Like you?¡± I don¡¯t want to pretend anymore. ¡°What are you even talking about?! We don¡¯t live together!¡± Matthew throws his cigarette, and walks in.


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    The affair between Matthew and Joan is not a secret in this family for a long time, perhaps even longer than the time I married with Olivia, though they tried their best to cover it up. It¡¯s not some healthy relationship, but sometimes I¡¯ll jealous on them, they have actual love, how wonderful. Though it¡¯s still fun to make a joke on them, like I did just now.


    ¡°Who you think is the most suspicious?¡± Olivia comes and holds my arms tightly soon after I come into the house. Seems like Dale had some new discovery just after I walked out, ¡°It¡¯s the cyanide, that kills him.¡± He just announced that, then now almost everyone looks at Joan and Matthew.


    ¡°For god¡¯s sake.¡± Matthew bursts out a short laugh. I feel Olivia wants to speak for her little brother, but - ¡°no, don¡¯t¡± - I stop her, ¡°don¡¯t do anything stupid, not now, otherwise only that woman and her son will win.¡± I mumble to Olivia.


    Ms.Vanderbroom, and her son, George, they are easy to be ignored, in fact, they didn¡¯t actually speak anything after I found the body.


    ¡°I don¡¯t have the motivation, neither does Joan.¡± Matthew glares at Dale, his left hand is holding tightly with Joan¡¯s right hand. ¡°You know who has the biggest motivation?¡± he sneers, then points at Ms.Vanderbroom, ¡°That old witch, and her vampire son! My father definitely won¡¯t leave much money to them, so they probably want him to change the will, and, who knows, maybe they argued too hard, then they just accidentally murdered him!¡± ¡°Bastard!¡± Ms.Vanderbroom shouts, her eyes are wide open and her body is shaking, ¡°How dare you!¡± She can¡¯t even breathe, ¡°We¡¯re not the type of people who only knows about money, unlike you!¡± ¡°Untrue,¡± Olivia shrugs her shoulder, ¡°she asks my father to buy her Hermes at least twice a day when I still live here.¡±


    I can see nobody really cares about what Ms.Vanderbroom said, even she looks really angry and almost passes out, I think I even hear Matthew makes a comment: ¡°So what? I don¡¯t love money, I just forced to be rich.¡±


    Dale grabs a chair to make Ms.Vanderbroom sits down, and just at this time, we find George¡¯s missing, he doesn¡¯t even show up when his dear and precious mom almost dying because of anger. Then we hear piano.


    The clear and loud piano sound, slow, sorrow, like a funeral in rainy woods. ¡°Seriously? Right now?¡± Olivia says ironically. I think everybody - perhaps except Dale and Ms.Vanderbroom - are actually thinking about the same thing as Olivia, George is acting again, just as what he did thousands of times before, except his most faithful audience is gone now. I don¡¯t know if George realizes this - even his performance really touches Mr.Havilland¡¯s ghost, he can¡¯t do anything for him now.