《Homeless Bunny (RWBY/Campione)》


 Homeless Bunny 1

    Preface


    Yeah, I¡¯m not sure where this came from either. Long story short, there was a Campione/Multicross quest that I used to run. It died because the quality was really meh. I wouldn¡¯t say the quest is worth reading, but this omake series became its own thing.


    The premise is that this OC Campione who¡¯s obsessed with cooking like Doni¡¯s obsessed with swords, the Jade Rabbit, got yeeted into RWBY about a hundred years after killing Rama (Campione¡¯s big bad). Hijinks ensue.


    Homeless Bunny 1


    I groaned pitifully. I hadn¡¯t been in this much pain since I got the bright idea to turn the Bull of Heaven into tartare. Definitely a case of my eyes being too big for my stomach there¡­ Long story short, Luo Hao bailed me out and we killed it together. Inanna still had it out for me even in the Netherworld.


    Maybe she¡¯d be less murder-y if we didn¡¯t appear every decade or so after the Bull reconstituted his divinity so we could grab another plate¡­ Then again, she was kind of a bitch either way. And it really was great tartare.


    I closed my eyes and tried to stem the throbbing headache. I¡¯d done this enough times to know what a hangover felt like. That I could still feel the hangover despite being a godslayer meant either someone was suppressing my Authorities, or I¡¯d consumed something distinctly divine. The first wasn¡¯t likely since I kicked Alec¡¯s teeth in sixty years ago, which meant the second¡­ which meant this was most likely self-induced.


    ¡°Ugghhh,¡± I groaned into my hands. ¡°Right¡­ What do I remember¡­¡±


    Last night was¡­ Last night was the hundredth wedding anniversary between me and Luo Hao. We¡¯d both gone all out to celebrate this ¡°most fortuitous of days,¡± as my wife put it. The celebration took place in the Lunar Palace. It was the first time in literal millennia that all twenty-eight mansions had been opened to guests.


    Everyone worth mentioning was invited. Hell, the guest list was effectively a list of who¡¯s who in the world. All five other Campione, of course. Friendly gods ranging from Athena to Amaterasu to Sun Wukong, that shit-flinger. Our respective entourages from the SSIU and Holy Cult of Five Mountains. Every Paladin and Great Knight worth mentioning, a handful of superheroes too. Hell, I¡¯d even gone out of my way to invite a few of them newfangled omnics or whatever; they seemed sentient enough. Just the list of dietary requirements could fill a small cookbook on its own.


    For seven days and seven nights, I declared a grand festival in the Lunar Palace. And¡­ And I didn¡¯t cook a damn thing.


    I wanted to. I desperately wanted to. Alas, I was overruled, and in my own house!


    A strange cocktail of pride and indignation filled me as I watched Laura take charge. She¡¯d truly come into her own as my sous chef. She insisted that she be the one to take charge of the palace kitchens, saying I ought to pay attention to my lovely wife


    My two loves warred in my heart until I finally gave in. I cooked nothing for the entire duration of the festival, save for several thousand servings of douhua, a soy milk pudding dessert that was a favorite of my wife. Made with honey, agar agar, mint extract, and toasted almonds, it was a silky, rich dessert that didn¡¯t sit too heavily in the stomach. That brief stint in the kitchen was a torturous reminder of what I wasn¡¯t allowed to do. Fortunately, Luo Hao had her way of diverting my attention.


    ¡°Right¡­ What else¡­¡±


    Memories flashed by. Luo Hao and I spent all the first day in the throne room of the largest of seven mansions in the Vermillion Pheasant¡¯s quarters, receiving guests, accepting congratulations and well wishes, and offering platitudes as we opened gifts and pretended we cared. Most were fancy trinkets that neither of us cared for, those would be tossed into some random vault and never seen again this millennium. Others were magical artifacts, each acquired within the guest¡¯s means. In this, the humans naturally fell short, but we showed them equal face regardless.


    The interesting gifts came from those who knew us well. I prized Annie¡¯s gift of a freshly caught fish unique to her fae realm far more than the elaborate, enchanted greatsword forged by Dvalinn, the Slumbering One and king of the dwarves. Sun Wukong, may a sawfish crawl up his dick, got us a slingshot that magically loaded itself with seagull shit teleported from some beach in the mortal plane. Luo Hao made him eat it.


    The rest of the days were a bit of a blur. There was food. There was dancing. There was a fair bit of sneaking off for sex. And duels and demonstrations of martial skill, because Luo Hao. The entire central gardens between the twenty-eight mansions had been converted into a sort of twenty-four hour bazaar where goods both mortal and divine could be found aplenty. I was pretty sure I judged a cooking contest between Ame no Uzume and Daji, though for the life of me I couldn¡¯t remember what they fed me.


    Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.


    That had been one of countless cooking contests. The shokugeki I¡¯d adopted took on some popularity with gods and it wasn¡¯t uncommon to hear of one god challenging another in good fun. Or sometimes, a particularly spunky mortal would give it a go, doing their best to bridge the gap between divine ingredients and mortal fare through pure skill. I vaguely recalled Marika Nakiri, descendent of that exhibitionist I still made fun of sometimes, winning a shokugeki against Iris, the messenger goddess of rainbows. She received¡­ something¡­ I knew I rewarded her for the feat, how could I not, but I couldn¡¯t recall at the moment precisely what I gave her¡­


    More and more booze was had as the days wore on. The good shit, the divine shit, the kind that people had killed for in the past. It all flowed like water. Chang¡¯e really outdid herself. Not only did she show off her newest starship, centuries ahead of the Chinese space program named in her honor, she had become a truly splendid brewmistress. Her product had a beautiful burn, an almost cloying sweetness that was just this side of being excessive, and a floral note that balanced the whole brew and left me thinking it was lighter than it was in truth. Thor himself could find no fault with her and I thought I remembered more than one bumbling attempt at flirting.


    And then¡­ Then Susanoo busted out his own stash of sake. It was the sake he¡¯d used to get the legendary Yamata no Orochi drunk. But the story didn¡¯t end there. It wasn¡¯t unheard of for snakes to be used in wine production. He¡¯d taken cues from habushu, Okinawan snake sake, which was exactly what it sounded like. Typically, in mortal production, the snake was soaked in a 59% alcohol mixture for forty days to preserve the body and begin dissolving the venom. Then, a 35% awamori mix was added to make it more palatable for consumption.


    Susanoo, as if to prove he was born with none of Izanagi¡¯s divine wisdom, rolled up the legendary serpent into a ball, stuffed the corpse inside a barrel the size of a small mountain, then filled it with alcohol. The dumbass forgot the ¡°rice¡± in ¡°rice wine.¡± And he kept it that way for¡­ a while¡­ because he forgot where he put it. Of fucking course he did.


    Still, the dumbass did have his fans. Plenty of gods didn¡¯t care how toxic the brew was, considering we were all immortal and all. Most didn¡¯t mind a way to get drunk even faster and war gods like Hachiman liked to prove how ¡°manly¡± they were by chugging it off a stein, because a shot glass wasn¡¯t nearly big enough for them.


    Chang¡¯e and Susanoo got into an argument about whose drink was better. Of course, that inevitably meant I got dragged into it. Chang¡¯e won for, you know, actually knowing what the fuck she was doing, and Susanoo challenged my decision with a drinking contest.


    And then¡­ There was a portal¡­? Something about the fey roads and Odysseus promising me an adventure¡­?


    ¡°Oh¡­ That explains why I don¡¯t remember shit¡­ Lesson learned. Divine constitution or not, don¡¯t mix baiju and habushu, especially when the latter was made using the fucking Yamata no Orochi by the biggest idiot in the Shinto pantheon.¡±


    I slowly opened my senses. My list of Authorities wasn¡¯t the only thing that had grown in the past century. The grass beneath me tickled my ears as the world opened itself to me. I heard everything, the flowing of a tranquil creek six miles away, the deer that gently lapped at its surface, the owlets rustling in their nest as they shed their plumage¡­ I¡¯d long since grown past the point of needing eyes.


    Then there was the magic. It felt strange. I extended my senses deep into the earth and sought out the nearest dragon vein. It accepted my divine mana with the eagerness of a parched man in the desert. There was something abnormal about this situation, but I wasn¡¯t sure I could describe it as sickly. Mana, magic, was absorbed by the earth and then¡­ crystallized?


    It felt as though this world naturally created crystalline deposits of mana within the earth. Each crystal was attuned to an element, filtered and grown from the world¡¯s ambient mana while leaving only the barest remnant for life. I laid there on the forest floor and watched as the world took in a trickle of my divine mana and generated enough of these crystals to fill a small house. It probably took thousands of years for the world to gather this much naturally, but well, Campione.


    I sat up and slowly opened my eyes. There was a small rabbit that grazed near me. It was even smaller than Don Fluffles, who¡¯d refused all offers of an enlargement blessing. The smug shit was probably bullying some of Luo Hao¡¯s newer acolytes.


    I smiled and reached down, stroking the bunny between the ears. If I sat still long enough, woodland creatures tended to gather at my location, part of the Authority I got from Johnny Appleseed. That, and free apples. Forever. Wasn¡¯t exactly the strongest Authority or anything, but the guy was a fallen god who migrated to the new world to start a different legend. I probably would¡¯ve left him alone had he not started messing with mundane agriculture on such a large scale.


    ¡°How peaceful,¡± I muttered softly. ¡°I might just hang out for a bit. Sober up and see where my feet take me before I go back to the moo¡­¡±


    I trailed off as my gaze flickered to the night sky. A century of life fighting gods and divine ancestors, and just generally being married to Luo Hao, had given me a stiff upper lip. Bunny or not, I didn¡¯t spook easily. Typically, I was the one who left others speechless. But this¡­ This was beyond the pale.


    I looked up and saw the moon, its soft light illuminating the night. It was utterly shattered, like an egg. Fury like I¡¯d never felt boiled to the surface and every single living thing for miles felt the oppressive pressure of an enraged godslayer.


    ¡°WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY HOUSE???¡±


    Author''s Note


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 2

    Homeless Bunny 2


    ¡°Oh, you¡¯ve got to be fucking kidding me,¡± I moaned, clutching my poor head. My own yelling sent agonizing pangs through my skull, like that fucker Surtr took a club of magically-condensed magma to my head¡­ again¡­


    I took a deep breath and reined in my power. The poor bunny I¡¯d been petting was frozen solid, scared out of its wits. I reached out and filled it with healing wood qi before letting it scamper away. Slowly, the world began to breathe a sigh of relief, as though a great disaster had passed it by.


    ¡°This is¡­ bad¡­¡±


    Godslayers were creatures of habit. Voban, centuries old geezer that he was, was still every bit the hunter. Luo Hao was a xianxia-nut. Aisha was ¡°eternally seventeen or else.¡± We were creatures of obsession, of an all-consuming passion that defined the core of our being. We were defined firstly by our natures, and secondly by our Authorities. And of our Authorities, the very first god we slew tended to have an outsized influence on our souls.


    I was the Jade Rabbit. It wasn¡¯t just a title I inherited or a name I adopted to pay homage to Jade. I was the Jade Rabbit in a very literal sense. Because Jade gave me ¡°all of her estate,¡± it affected me in ways no one could have predicted when I first ascended.


    For starters, Maxa¡¯xak wasn¡¯t the last snake-god to try and eat me. Hell, I probably fought all of the strongest ones, except Yamata who was flavoring some shitty sake. Apophis? He was a chump. Typhon? Better, but a hundred times the bitching didn¡¯t exactly make for a good time. Jormungandr? Probably my least favorite. Fucker ate me! Again!


    Half of these weren¡¯t even in my territory either. They just liked to show up at random points to ¡°eat the biggest rabbit¡± and none of the others interfered because ¡°he¡¯s your prey, Tianyu.¡± By the gods, I hated my siblings sometimes¡­


    My unfortunate encounters with snake-deities aside, many of my Authorities were heavily associated with my status as the Jade Rabbit, which meant cooking (or alchemy), the five elements, yin and yang, or¡­ the moon.


    Which some fuckwit broke.


    I took in a deep, fortifying breath. Losing control of my temper really wasn¡¯t healthy¡­ for everything else around me¡­ I reached into my pocket and produced the white rabbit¡¯s foot which acted as the key to the Lunar Palace. I tossed it into the air and¡­ nothing.


    ¡°Figures¡­ Broken moon, broken key.¡± Sighing, I climbed into the sky. My Authorities would be greatly hampered here. Not all of them, but I couldn¡¯t just pick up every body of water in the world as the Master of Tides and club a bitch to death with the ocean anymore. At best, I could pull off a tidal wave or five.


    Anything associated with the moon was heavily weakened. Which, unfortunately, also meant any easy access to the Netherworld. The Lunar Palace was the vector by which I crossed dimensions. It was my home and waypoint all in one and the moon in the mortal plane was its representation.


    ¡°Shit¡­ May as well take stock of the damage I guess¡­¡±


    I shot up into the sky, racing on gathered clouds. Speed was very much a concept associated with bunnies and training with the zodiac beasts really helped me get in touch with my bestial side. Godspeed, that causality warping ¡°I¡¯m faster because I say so¡± phenomenon, was something I could touch on at will now, no Authority required. Laura joked that I was a Loony Toons character and she wasn¡¯t wrong.


    I felt the air thin out as I climbed higher but paid it no mind. If Doni could survive taking a meteor for a joyride, me hopping to the edge of space was hardly anything noteworthy. More pressing was the thick divine mana that cloaked itself around the moon.


    It was¡­ light¡­? The sun¡­? It held the celestial body together, keeping the fragments from drifting off, or worse, falling to the earth below and causing an extinction-level event. Someone did this to protect the mortals below but I could find no further trace of their mana. Did they just¡­ leave? Why?


    I stood on one of the fragments and looked around. It was a strange feeling, knowing that this should be mine, was mine, but also not. Then I felt it, a second presence. Where the first held the moon together, the second reeked of destruction and darkness.


    ¡°Must be the one who broke it,¡± I muttered darkly. ¡°They¡¯re not around either. Did two gods fight and mutually kill each other? No, then the mana signatures would have faded by now. They¡¯re both alive¡­¡±


    The more important question was how I was going to enter the Netherworld. It didn¡¯t have to be the Lunar Palace. Over a century of cooking for gods and exalted guests earned me quite a bit of goodwill. I was often called ¡°Divine Chef¡± or ¡°he whose hall is filled with laughter¡± if you were Chinese because they liked being pointlessly wordy and vague about things. Something about poetry? I had no idea, it was one of the few things Luo Hao and I disagreed on.


    Point being, I was welcome in virtually every sector of the Netherworld because I welcomed most of them in mine. I had a reputation as a gracious host and, should there be a need, the lord of the foremost neutral ground in the Netherworld. The Lunar Palace had been used by warring parties to negotiate terms of peace before.


    If I could just get to the Netherworld, I could find friends, call in a few favors, maybe use the fey roads to get back to the Lunar Palace.


    The question was, how? How would I cross over? Dimensional magic just wasn¡¯t my thing.


    I poked and prodded at the moon. It responded weakly, as though it was reaching out through the dark one¡¯s mana. Could that be why the key to the Lunar Palace didn¡¯t work? Some sort of divine Authority equivalent of a lead box around the moon? If so, the world would change to suit me in the absence of the god of darkness. Slowly but surely, I could feel my own conceptual weight asserting itself over the moon. It was shaving away at the layer of their mana, but I had no idea how long it¡¯d take until I had my moon back, or if that¡¯d fix the problem.


    Maybe I had to physically put the moon back together again? ¡°God, I hope not. I really don¡¯t want to play Humpty Dumpty with the whole moon, damn it¡­ There¡¯s got to be a better way¡­ Think, Tianyu, prove you¡¯re more than a cooking idiot¡­ Information¡­ I need information on this world and its magic¡­¡±


    I looked down at the earth below. The continents were definitely not of earth, which meant I could be forced to follow natural laws that were foreign to me. The magic crystals were certainly strange. I wasn¡¯t afraid for my safety, but it could get annoying pretty fast.


    Down below, I saw twinkling lights. Just four of them, which meant there were only four metropolitan areas worth mentioning in this world. That there were lights at night alone implied a certain level of technological advancement, but that there were only four suggested something was keeping these people from expanding to the rest of the world. It wasn¡¯t geography; I could see plenty of rivers and lakes where civilizations tended to develop.


    Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.


    ¡°Right, something unusual is keeping civilization small despite a decent tech-level. Probably something magical. Some kind of megafauna? A curse?¡± Information. Information was key and I wouldn¡¯t get that by lounging around on a hunk of rock. ¡°Goals, Tianyu. Step one: Figure out which bastard broke my house so I can kill him. Step two: Find a gate to the Netherworld. And¡­ And a new world would mean new ingredients¡­ right?¡±


    That thought made me pause. Did I need to go back right away? This was a whole new world! Which meant a whole new culinary culture. I knew from the local wildlife that there were some commonalities, but there had to be different cooking styles, right?


    I felt a fire light inside my heart at the thought. I was an explorer! A pioneer of new culinary horizons! How could I let this chance pass me by?


    I saw the four cities and took careful stock of each location. The first seemed to be in the desert. That probably meant they were used to preservation techniques such as drying, smoking, or cheesemaking. They would have to rely heavily on imported vegetables or stress trade with various oases. Specific techniques like that could be interesting, but they¡¯d probably lack variety in their cooking so I crossed them out. The northernmost city, filled with ice and snow, got eliminated for the same reason.


    Between the eastern city which was near rainforests and the central city that seemed to be more temperate, I of course went for the central city. Temperate climates tended to have the best ingredients in terms of variety thanks to an even distribution of the four seasons. More, since it was central to the other cities, if there was any trade between them, I wouldn¡¯t miss out on culinary styles from the others.


    So decided, I hopped back down towards the earth. I¡¯d repair the moon once it was done cleansing itself. Until then, this was to be an adventure!


    X


    ¡°Kaw!¡± I heard something cry.


    I ignored it. Crows were good for the environment. It wasn¡¯t until the damn thing flew closer that I noticed something similar to the dark god¡¯s mana signature. It wasn¡¯t exact, more like a heavily watered down variant, a cinder of a cinder of the god¡¯s power, but it was still enough to fuel this creature¡¯s life.


    The not-crow was as large as a school bus, with an appropriately wide wingspan. It had a skull-like mask that made me think of the edgiest of Comicon attendees.


    I was going to fly by. Born of the home-wrecker or not, it deserved to exist. I could feel its malice, but it probably played an important role as the local apex predator. It didn¡¯t deserve a god-tier bunny slapping it into the sun.


    Then it opened its mouth and tried to swallow me. An obese crow tried to eat me. Me. The temper that had been simmering boiled over. Getting eaten by a snake-god responsible for the apocalypse was one thing. It had been a necessity, even if Annie never stopped calling me the streaker-Campione in private. I could even tolerate doing it twice more to Jormungandr and Leviathan. But a crow?


    Not even a divine beast, a crow?


    I¡¯d never live through the shame if anyone back home heard I allowed that. I skidded to a stop in the middle of the sky, sending a plume of clouds in all directions. I reached up and pinched its beak in two fingers, bringing the bus-sized creature to a screeching halt. It fluttered its wings futilely and I let it struggle for a while as it tried to pull away.


    ¡°Oi, mister crow, carve this in your fucking head.¡± I slammed its beak closed with an audible crack. Then, pulling out my Wooden Spatula of Righteous Rebuke, trademarked with great trauma by Laura, I gave it a good smack on the nose.


    ¡°Bunnies.¡± *slap*


    ¡°Are.¡± *slap*


    ¡°Not.¡± *slap*


    ¡°Food!¡± *slap*


    I held it in my hands for a moment longer and flooded it with divine qi. Its crimson eyes that had been so filled with malice widened with utter, instinctual terror. With a final slap, I sent it plummeting to the earth below. It was someone else¡¯s problem now.


    A few minutes later, I alighted down in the woods a mile out from the city. It turned out to be a walled settlement roughly the size of Los Angeles but divided into several districts. I could see farms near a floodplain with irrigation channels dug into the soil. I could also see an industrial sector that hugged the coast and a forest of crimson leaves to the north. There was also some kind of castle in the distance, presumably the home of the local lord or monarch.


    The farmland gave me a good idea of the local cuisine and it was¡­ disappointing. Oh, there was a fair bit of variety as I¡¯d expected, but none of it was foreign to me. Wheat and barley seemed to be the main grain crop. I saw chickens, cows, sheep, and horses, fairly generic animals. This world was shaping up to be remarkably similar to earth despite the initial impressions granted by its geography.


    ¡°Ugh, what a letdown,¡± I muttered as I walked to the main gate. ¡°Still, they should have a library or something¡­¡±


    I stood in line. The gate guards seemed to be checking caravans for some kind of ID. The caravans themselves were a strange mix of cars and horse-drawn wagons, as though some didn¡¯t have access to modern technology, or perhaps found  horses more convenient. That suggested a wide gap in available resources, which itself suggested a striated society. Unpleasant.


    Worse, many people took once glance at my bunny ears and gave me a wide berth. Even the ones who weren¡¯t shooting me dirty looks looked like they didn¡¯t want to associate with me for some reason.


    It was honestly kind of refreshing. Everywhere I went on earth, it was ¡°Aww, he¡¯s soooo cute!¡± and ¡°Can I pet you? Do you want a carrot?¡± Having people dislike me for my ears was a novel experience.


    Then it stopped being funny when I was immediately singled out from the crowd. ¡°Hey, you,¡± a guard called, jabbing his rifle my way.


    I pointed at him, then at myself. ¡°Me?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, you. Let¡¯s see some papers.¡±


    ¡°I have none.¡±


    ¡°What? You from some hick village? Menagerie?¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s the difference?¡± the second guard said with a mocking laugh.


    ¡°Nomad,¡± I replied cooly. ¡°Is there a procedure for getting into the city?¡±


    ¡°Papers will be 400 lien,¡± the first guard said. ¡°No papers, no lien, no entry.¡±


    I gathered that ¡°lien¡± was their form of currency. I glanced at another wagon. There were more guards who waved it by. Both the owner of the wagon and the other guards refused to meet my eyes, the bystander effect at work. There seemed to be some level of racism concerning people with animal-like traits, or at least bunnies.


    I felt personally offended. What did they have against bunnies? ¡°Somehow, I doubt that¡¯s how it works.¡±


    ¡°It is if you¡¯re a fucking animal. You get all your shots?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m immune to all illnesses.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, of course you are. Go fuck off down to whatever burrow you came from. We don¡¯t need more of you in Vale.¡±


    I took a deep breath. ¡°I¡¯ve had a long day. I want to visit your library. You will let me in.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, how ¡®bout no?¡±


    I reached into my pocket, making them stiffen up. The Wooden Spatula of Righteous Rebuke? No, that was too harsh, they wouldn¡¯t survive. I instead opted for its little brother, the Wooden Spoon of Gentle Guidance, also named by Laura amidst great struggle. I held it in one hand, bracing it between my pinky and thumb for easy flicking.


    ¡°Last chance.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s a spoon,¡± guard number two said with a laugh.


    ¡°It is.¡±


    ¡°Heh, look at this clown.¡±


    ¡°Suit yourself.¡±


    My hand blurred forward. The wood, enchanted peachwood of course, made two satisfying cracks against the guards¡¯ foreheads. It launched them into the air, knocked out with the barest hint of my strength.


    And that was how I became a terrorist.


    What the hell was a ¡°White Fang?¡±


    Author¡¯s Note


    No moon = No moon-based Authorities. Otherwise, Tianyu would just hop back to his dimension and sleep off the hangover before going straight back to cooking and that wouldn¡¯t be much of a story.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 3

    Homeless Bunny 3


    ¡°Suspect is a male, rabbit faunus child with white hair and prominent ears. He assaulted two gate guards and fled into the city before losing them by hopping onto the rooftops. He is thought to be a White Fang agent and possesses a mobility-related Semblance. All citizens are advised to approach with caution. This has been Lisa Lavender for the Vale News Network,¡± I heard from a TV hung over a cafe patio.


    ¡°I¡¯m not a child,¡± I muttered darkly. They left out the bit about me using a spoon, probably to spare those racist fuckers¡¯ dignities. ¡°And what the hell¡¯s a Semblance? Or a White Fang?¡±


    There was much to do. For starters, I needed a place to crash. Well, technically I didn¡¯t. As a Campione, I could even live in the vacuum of space if I wanted and be perfectly healthy, but I had standards. I refused to live in a dumpster or some homeless shelter. After all, I needed to cook. I could overlook a great many things, but the lack of a kitchen was a travesty that must be corrected with all haste.


    After that, I needed information. Ideally, there would be a mage association nearby that I could bully for answers, but I wasn¡¯t counting on it. I wasn¡¯t hiding my power in the least. I wasn¡¯t even sure the Dark Side of the Moon Authority could be activated in the first place considering the circumstances. If there was a mage association, they were remarkably good at hiding. I suspected there wasn¡¯t one. I felt some humans with powers, but they were one-dimensional, flat in a way that reminded me of superheroes, not mages.


    Unfortunate, as that meant I¡¯d need to start digging on my own.


    ¡°Right. Kitchen. Information. Where can I get both¡­¡± I hummed as I hopped across the Vale skyline. I wandered aimlessly until I stumbled on what had to be the poorer districts.


    Then some people caught my eye. They were unique in that they all wore dark suits with red ties, shades, and bowler hats. In their hands were machetes. I still didn¡¯t dare call myself a master martial artist, not compared to my beloved, but after a century of sparring against the most dangerous woman alive, I liked to think I knew what skill looked like in a person.


    These men¡­ were not skilled. They held their machetes like amateurs, waving them around like I used to when I was a child pretending to be a jedi with a roll of wrapping paper. I felt some vicarious embarrassment on their behalf.


    Still, since I had no ID and there was some obvious prejudice against those of the fluffier persuasion such as myself, I decided a less than legal means of information gathering would be fine to start. I landed in the street before them. ¡°Let¡¯s see¡­ Suits long after business hours, matching uniforms, cheap blades spray-painted to match the ties¡­ I¡¯m going to go ahead and assume you¡¯re a gang.¡±


    ¡°Huntsman,¡± one muttered. That got them all looking rather nervous.


    ¡°Who wants to know?¡± another said, stepping out into the front. He was either very brave or very stupid. Either way, I decided to name him mook-leader in my head.


    I bowed deep with a flourish. ¡°Tianyu Yue, Jade Rabbit, Divine Chef, Sovereign of the Lunar Palace, Master of the Fluffles, and currently a homeless bunny. It¡¯s a pleasure to meet you, gentlemen.¡±


    ¡°Well you can beat it, fluffy. We got work to do.¡±


    ¡°Now, I don¡¯t mind letting you boys get to your¡­ work¡­ but I do have a question. If a man wanted to learn more about the world through, say, unofficial channels, where might he go?¡±


    That made mook-leader pause. They began to discuss among themselves.


    ¡°Fuck it, we can just kick his ass, right? It¡¯s just one kid. He looks too young for Beacon.¡±


    ¡°He could be Signal. Heard those kids are nasty.¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s faunus. You think they¡¯re going to accept him?¡±


    ¡°Some prep schools do, dumbass.¡±


    ¡°He could be a dropout looking for work.¡±


    ¡°Heh, the boss wouldn¡¯t mind, right?¡±


    ¡°Maybe. Maybe not.¡± Mook-leader turned back to me. Horrible form that, turning your back on a potential enemy. Clearly, no one told these idiots that ¡°cute¡± and ¡°harmless¡± weren¡¯t synonyms. ¡°Alright, look, fluffy. Our boss is an information broker. That what you¡¯re looking for?¡±


    ¡°It is indeed. Do you mind taking me to him?¡±


    ¡°He owns the club on Hoster Street. Real fancy place for this part of town. You get me?¡±


    I nodded placidly. Information. And a club meant food, which meant kitchen, right? ¡°That sounds perfect. What¡¯s his name?¡±


    ¡°Not from around here, are ya? Hei Xiong. Look for the man at the bar, kid.¡±


    I hopped back onto the rooftops. ¡°You have a wonderful night.¡±


    ¡°Weird fucker.¡±


    ¡°Yeah. The twins are gonna eat him alive.¡±


    X


    I found it. Junior¡¯s Club, unimaginatively named, turned out to be a popular venue. The night was still young, about ten if I had to guess. There were plenty of people lining up outside to get into the dance floor. The smell of liquor, sweat, and fried food assaulted my senses but I pressed on.


    I considered skipping the line and sneaking through an upper-story window, but I was trying to make connections not enemies. I could always just beat up the gang leader until he gave me what I wanted, but I generally tried not to resort to that. So, I waited in line like a normal person until I stood before a big, burly bouncer with arms thicker than my head.


    ¡°Hey there,¡± I greeted. ¡°I need to speak to Hei Xiong.¡±


    ¡°Sure, kid. Go right on through.¡±


    ¡°Really? Sweet, thought this would be a hassle. Thanks!¡±


    I walked by him, only for him to put a meaty hand on my shoulder. ¡°No, you fucking idiot. Do you even know who that is?¡±


    ¡°Gang leader. Has information. Yes?¡±


    ¡°And you think you can just walk right in, do you?¡±


    ¡°I mean¡­ yes¡­?¡±


    He tried to pull me out of line but I refused to budge. My apparent weight caught him by surprise for a moment before he put his back into it. ¡°Ugh,¡± he groaned.


    ¡°See?¡± I said as I kept walking. ¡°I¡¯m going to walk right in. One of his guys said I can find him at the bar. He¡¯ll show up if I drag his bouncer, right?¡±


    Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work!


    ¡°Brothers damn it, what the fuck are you made of?¡±


    ¡°Fluff and spite. Seriously, bunnies are the most vindictive assholes alive,¡± I chirped cheerfully. I¡¯d yet to so much as pull my hands from my pockets. There were some gang members lounging around, but they seemed confused.


    ¡°Whatever,¡± the bouncer said finally, letting me go. ¡°You huntsman types think you can do whatever the fuck you want. Go on then, let the twins have you.¡±


    ¡°Thanks!¡±


    Now that I was rid of the not-literally dead weight, I took a quick glance around the room. The club was an impressive structure, a three-story building with the center hollowed out in favor of an arching roof. The main attraction was a large dance floor that had been tiled with white, LED lighting. A DJ¡¯s booth was manned by a man who wore the now familiar suit and red tie and¡­ a mask shaped like a teddy bear¡­ because style or something¡­ I could see booths in the corners and a small dining area on the second floor.


    I tuned out the unnecessarily loud music with long practice and made my way to the bar. It covered one entire wall and I found several more of the Xiong Family mixing drinks. I pulled up a stool and waited my turn.


    ¡°Heh, you want a glass of milk, kid?¡± one of the bartenders asked.


    ¡°Nope. I¡¯m looking for information. Is Hei Xiong around?¡±


    ¡°You want the boss? A prep school dropout, eh?¡±


    ¡°Hey, I¡¯ll have you know I got a high school diploma.¡±


    ¡°Sure, whatever, brat. You got anything worth trading?¡±


    I frowned in thought. I wasn¡¯t in the habit of taking simply because I could, that was the way of a tyrant. Good service deserved to be rewarded. God or mortal, I promised myself I would treat all with equal civility until civility became no longer appropriate. With that in mind, I spoke, ¡°I offer to brew him the elixir of life, power beyond imagination, luck crystalized into a seasoning, the secrets of magic, or knowledge of realms beyond men. He may choose one for his service to me.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re fucking with me.¡±


    ¡°I am not.¡±


    ¡°Ahahahahaha¡­ Go home, kid.¡±


    ¡°I cannot. That is why I require his services.¡±


    He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. ¡°Alright, look. You got any lien?¡±


    ¡°I do not.¡±


    ¡°Can you fight?¡±


    ¡°I am possessed of some modest skill.¡±


    ¡°What prep school did you drop out of?¡±


    ¡°I told you, I have a diploma.¡±


    ¡°Whatever. You got aura?¡±


    I hummed. Aura? I flexed just a tiny bit, enough to let my magic suffuse the air around me. A dull glow surrounded my body. ¡°Like this?¡±


    ¡°Okay, good. Look, the boss might wanna hire you to be some added muscle.¡±


    ¡°I am not muscle. I am a chef.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re a chef,¡± he said with clear disbelief.


    ¡°Yes, a chef, the noblest of professions. It is my lot to create, to nourish and strengthen with flavors beyond your understanding,¡± I nodded proudly.


    ¡°You know what? Fine. Whatever. The boss can decide what he wants from you.¡±


    So saying, he sighed and walked off, muttering about ¡°fucking huntsmen.¡± With nothing else to do, I sat around and watched the crowd. It didn¡¯t take long for Hei Xiong to find me. The bartender returned with a man who stood two full heads taller than him and a pair of twins dressed in red and white. They were cute, in that haughty, ¡°I¡¯m royalty and you better know it,¡± sort of way. All three of them walked like fighters so I assumed the pair were bodyguards or officers in the gang of some variety.


    I hopped down from my stool and walked up to him. He stood almost a full two feet taller than me, though admittedly that was because I hadn¡¯t grown a damn inch in my century of life. Luo Hao said I was cute and that¡¯s what mattered¡­ I wasn¡¯t salty¡­


    ¡°Hei Xiong?¡±


    ¡°Yeah. Who wants to know?¡±


    ¡°Tianyu Yue, Jade Rabbit, Divine Chef, Sovereign of the Lunar Palace, Master of the Fluffles, and currently a homeless bunny. And might I say, you are¡­ tall.¡±


    ¡°And you¡¯re short. Look, kid. You got aura, fine. Now why would I want to help you?¡±


    I nodded and repeated my offer. ¡°Understandable. You are a businessman, albeit an illicit one. I offer to brew for you the elixir of life. I can bestow upon you power beyond imagination, luck crystalized into a seasoning, the secrets of magic, or knowledge of realms beyond men. You may choose any of these as your own. In exchange, I require three things from you.¡±


    ¡°And what¡¯s that?¡±


    ¡°First, a kitchen and a place to lay my head. I¡¯m not picky about the details save that the kitchen be well-stocked and functional. Second, I am not from here. I require general information about Vale¡¯s laws and customs. Third, I have a deep love of history, mythology, and theology. I require any first hand accounts of magic, gods, enchanted artifacts, and the like. Religious texts, anthologies of legends and folktales, or chronicles of ancient kings will all be acceptable.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s¡­ You came to the city for¡­ this¡­?¡±


    ¡°You look puzzled,¡± I observed. ¡°Why do you look puzzled? I believe my requests are all within your ability to grant.¡±


    ¡°No, it is, it¡¯s just you¡­ You know you¡¯re a terrorist, right?¡± He reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a phone, some sort of device that made holograms, and pulled up an article. ¡°They¡¯re saying you beat up some guards at the gate before rushing into the city an hour ago.¡±


    ¡°Good, you are well informed of my activities. I expect no less of Vale¡¯s information broker,¡± I nodded, buttering him up a bit.


    ¡°They¡¯re saying you¡¯re White Fang.¡±


    ¡°I do not know what they are.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re fucking with me¡­¡± He stared at me like I was a lunatic before reality dawned in his eyes. ¡°Oh, shit, you¡¯re not fucking with me. You really have no clue, do you?¡±


    ¡°No. I did say I require general information as well. What is a White Fang?¡±


    ¡°Faunus terrorists who think they¡¯re fighting for faunus rights or something,¡± the white twin said. She had long, silky black hair, and a flower pinned to her ear. ¡°What? Are you from another planet?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°Funny.¡±


    Hei Xiong sighed. ¡°Look, I¡¯m going to assume you¡¯re from way out in the hicks somewhere. You have any combat training to go with that aura?¡±


    ¡°I do, but I don¡¯t think this is the place to prove it,¡± I said, gesturing broadly to the dance floor. Our conversation was drowned out by the blaring music but if we fought here, more than a few people wouldn¡¯t be going home tonight.


    ¡°No, it¡¯s not,¡± he agreed. ¡°And what? You want me to get you information you could acquire from the library? For what?¡±


    ¡°I told you, the elixir of li-¡±


    ¡°No. Be serious, kid.¡±


    This was a problem. I was one hundred percent serious. Gang leader or not, I would have happily given him a small fragment of my power, power enough to make him stronger than great knights in my world. But he didn¡¯t believe me. His loss then. I toned down my offer. ¡°Very well, I can cook. I am the greatest chef in the world, and unlike fighting, this is something I can prove right now.¡±


    ¡°Hey, Lenny, how busy¡¯s the kitchen right now?¡± he shouted.


    ¡°Not busy, boss. What¡¯s up?¡± came the call back.


    ¡°Alright, bunny, tell you what. You¡¯re going to make the three of us dinner. You got fifteen minutes to make whatever you want. If we like it, we¡¯ll keep you around as the chef. You get a room upstairs and I¡¯ll forge you some papers so you can go out and do your own damn research.¡±


    I smiled brightly. A cooking challenge? Levied by a mortal to Tianyu? I could not decline. The core of my very existence demanded I answer. ¡°Very well. I accept your challenge. Rest assured, you will taste the food of the gods tonight!¡±


    X


    Fifteen minutes and hilarious abuse of my Authorities and godspeed later, Hei ¡°call me Junior¡± Xiong was splayed out on the floor in a blissed out coma. The twins had shed their haughty attitudes in favor of fighting over the last slice of my lemon-raspberry pie. The moment my food touched their mortal tongues, they stared up at me as though I¡¯d granted them a glimpse into the heavenly realms, because that¡¯s exactly what I did.


    ¡°I promised you food fit for the gods,¡± I said smugly. ¡°Freya in particular loves that pie. So?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re hired,¡± Junior said, groaning in pleasure.


    ¡°And making breakfast,¡± the red one, Miltiades Malachite, said.


    ¡°We want something sweet, but not fattening,¡± the white twin, Melanie, added. Then she had to defend her dessert from her traitorous sister¡¯s fork.


    I laughed. Yes, not cooking for a week was truly too much. ¡°And my information?¡±


    ¡°You got it. I¡¯ll buy you a scroll,¡± Junior burped.


    ¡°I¡¯m glad we understand each other, boss.¡±


    Author¡¯s Note


    If this was a normal story, I might have been tempted to start elsewhere just to do a bit of worldbuilding, but Vale is Vale and this is mostly for the lols so something familiar is nice I think. I¡¯m going to see if I can squeeze out another chapter today before I get back to actual stories.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 4

    Homeless Bunny 4


    ¡°Tianyu~¡± I heard the twins cry out as they jumped down from the second floor. Their auras flared briefly upon landing but they didn¡¯t care in the least. The pair rushed over to take their seats at the bar and stared eagerly at me as I made the finishing touches on a spinach, tomato, and feta frittata. ¡°Morning~¡±


    Junior was already seated at the bar, nursing a large mug of coffee. He had the morning paper loaded up on his scroll and a binder full of briefs from his various contacts on the counter. He raised his mug to the twins in silent greeting. ¡°I swear, those two never woke up before noon before you came around.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, well, no one cooks like he does,¡± Mil said matter-of-factly.


    ¡°Damn straight,¡± I nodded. There were few things I took unconditional pride in, but cooking was at the top of that list. ¡°Divine Chef. The title is earned.¡±


    It¡¯d been two weeks since I arrived in Vale, a mere blink for an immortal, but much had changed in that time. Junior had sent out feelers, even reaching out to several experts at Vale University to gather information on legends and myths from back when the four kingdoms were monarchies in truth. The twins had completely shed their haughty, aloof personas in favor of trying to cozy up to me for more food, not that that was anything new. They even started looking up different recipes online, daring me to improve on them.


    They¡¯d yet to find a recipe I couldn¡¯t upstage in some way. I was the best chef in the world before my century of experience cooking for gods, thank you very much. I wasn¡¯t about to take an L from some upjumped online blogger. I¡¯d die of shame.


    Their faces lit up as I slid three plates of frittata over to them. The eggs were fluffy and mild, the tomatoes sweetened with an extra hint of wood qi and spinach blanched ever so briefly to get out a bit of the irony taste before being dried and added to the final product. The feta was crumbly and added a wonderful contrast to the rest, setting an exquisite balance that¡¯d satisfy even the fabled God¡¯s Tongue.


    Coupled with a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and whole wheat toast, it made for a hearty yet healthy breakfast that even the weight-conscious twins couldn¡¯t deny.


    I watched them stuff themselves for a minute, delighting in a job well done.


    When we were finished, Junior dug around in his pocket and slid over a card, my card. ¡°Here, got you something. My contact finally came through with your city ID. You are officially Tianyu Yue, sole survivor of a rural village that was wiped out by grimm. Your parents were locally trained amateur huntsmen who unlocked your aura for security reasons.¡±


    I looked at the picture. It was one taken two weeks ago. Mel had forced one of her chokers on me, saying it¡¯d make me look ¡°punk.¡± I humored her with the grace of a centenarian humoring a little girl.


    Then I read more closely. ¡°Junior? Why does this thing say I¡¯m seventeen?¡±


    ¡°Ah, well¡­ Look, you¡¯ve got the mother of all babyfaces. My guy couldn¡¯t swing anything older than seventeen and even that¡¯s pushing it.¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s got you there, fluffy,¡± Mil said with a poorly hidden smirk. ¡°You¡¯re short.¡±


    ¡°And adorable,¡± Mel added.


    ¡°With big, red eyes like a baby¡¯s.¡±


    ¡°And huge, floppy ears that make people think you¡¯re even younger than you look already.¡±


    ¡°Seriously, and everyone says we look young for our age.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, totes not fair.¡±


    I sighed. The twins were right. Whereas they looked like they were in their mid-teens but were actually in their early twenties, I looked like I could be anywhere from twelve to seventeen and was fucking immortal. It couldn¡¯t be helped. I could wear a glamor all day every day, but that was a hassle. I had more important things to think about than trying to remember whether or not I put on magic makeup in the morning, like figuring out what I wanted to cook for breakfast.


    ¡°Fine, everyone¡¯s bullying me today,¡± I grumped. ¡°I¡¯m surprised you didn¡¯t go with the bastard Schnee thing.¡±


    ¡°Hah! You think I want that kinda heat on me?¡± Junior scoffed. ¡°No way, man. Besides, they have a unique inherited semblance.¡±


    ¡°That they get from their mother, right?¡± I nodded. Then, with a wave of my hand, I flexed my qi and willed it into the visible spectrum. A golden light bloomed from my hand, expanding to form the wu xing elements framing the yin and yang in the iconic pentagram. ¡°There, see that? I have their glyphs.¡±


    It was the ¡°Semblance¡± I¡¯d decided on. I couldn¡¯t just bust out an Authority without drawing more attention than I wanted, but I also had no intention of not being, well, me. I figured using a ¡°glyph¡± like the Schnees would be a fair compromise. I¡¯d picked up a fair bit of both western and eastern sorcery over the years and knew I¡¯d have no trouble replicating dust-casting.


    The bastard Schnee thing was a long-running joke between us now. After I gave them a brief demonstration of what I could do with the five elements, they genuinely started to question my lineage for a while.


    ¡°I swear, your Semblance is such bullshit,¡± Junior said, head shaking. ¡°Thanks for patching up my boys the other day, really saved me on the hospital bills.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t rely on it,¡± I warned. I wasn¡¯t blind. They were criminals, even if I did have them wrapped around my pinky with my cooking. I gave them good food, as my honor as a chef demanded, but I never strengthened them beyond mortal nutrition. ¡°I¡¯m a chef, not a doctor. If I find your men did something unforgivable, the cops will be the least of their worries.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, they know. No murder, no rape, no children. Trust me, they¡¯re my rules too. It¡¯s just bad for business.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡±


    ¡°Bo-ring~¡± Mel yawned exaggeratedly. She flipped her long hair over her shoulder. ¡°Can we talk about something other than gang talk?¡±


    ¡°Well, Mel, I did read up on some interesting folktales.¡±


    ¡°Ugh, no offense, but that¡¯s a really lame hobby.¡±


    ¡°Hey, you can learn a lot from stories like that.¡±


    This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    ¡°If you figure out how to make me a Seasonal Maiden, let me know,¡± Mel said dryly.


    I rolled my eyes. That had been one of the first stories Junior found for me, and the one I considered to be the most likely to be valid. There were too many stories of young heroines appearing to save the day across history and continents for there to be no truth in them. It seemed likely to me that they existed and belonged to a secret sorority of elementalists, probably with powers and teachings passed down from mother to daughter.


    That I could easily anoint the girls with similar powers went unsaid. They were cute in that bratty little sister sort of way, but I didn¡¯t think I could trust them to be responsible with powers beyond mortal reckoning.


    ¡°So,¡± Miltiades, the more thoughtful twin, interjected before Mel and I could dive into our old argument. ¡°Anything planned, fluffy?¡±


    ¡°Ehh, not much. I¡¯m still thinking about new dessert recipes. Maybe something to help people cool down after dancing all night?¡± I mused.


    Junior, after countless people complaining about not having enough seating space to eat my cooking, had greatly expanded the dining area. The dance floor now competed evenly for floor space with the dining area and the second floor was all but converted into semi-secluded booths for romantic dinners. My presence had turned his club into the biggest underground attraction overnight.


    ¡°Like what? Ice cream? Parfait? Some kind of cocktail?¡± Mil asked. She was the quiet one, but had a massive sweet tooth that never failed to get her out of her shell.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I have lots of ideas but only so many I can put on the menu. How about you three try my creations over lunch and pick your favorites?¡±


    ¡°Yes!¡± The twins cheered, giving each other a high five.


    ¡°You¡¯re spoiling them,¡± Junior said, eyes rolling.


    ¡°You don¡¯t need to be here if you¡¯re busy being the best information broker in Vale,¡± I replied snidely.


    ¡°Hell no. You save me a piece.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s what I thought.¡±


    X


    ¡°Hiyaa!¡± Melanie cried as she brought her bladed heel down on Miltiades. She missed, but immediately pivoted to turn that ax kick into a donkey kick at her sister¡¯s kidney.


    Miltiades, not missing a beat, caught the blow with her claws, taking a half-step back to bleed off momentum. She wrenched her hand to the side, the twin prongs of her claws catching her sister¡¯s single blade and twisting her foot.


    Taking full advantage of her sister¡¯s momentary distraction, Mil lashed out in a series of slashes and stabs that left the air sizzling in her wake. It was so fast that several of the Xiong Family¡¯s mooks could only watch in dumbfounded awe at their enforcer¡¯s speed.


    Mel allowed her leg to fold, collapsing to the ground bonelessly to avoid the worst of her sister¡¯s attacks, before turning the fall into a backwards cartwheel that lashed twin uppercuts with her bladed heels. It would have gutted a man from crotch to throat had even one strike found their mark.


    This was their routine during the day. They had to keep their skills sharp apparently so they repurposed the dance floor into a sparring ring. They had their scrolls hooked up to the TV so if one of their auras dropped too low, they¡¯d know.


    I watched placidly as they went back and forth. The tide of battle ebbed and flowed like the sea. It was rhythmic, like a dance. In my hands was a large bowl of ice cream, still being stirred for maximum fluffiness. I decided to get a little exotic and settled for vanilla with shards of candied ginger, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Familiar, but with a unique kick of class.


    Finally, a chiming noise rang through the club¡¯s speakers. Melanie had won this bout, though as far as I could tell, it was more by luck than skill. The two were evenly matched and it really could have gone to Miltiades just as easily.


    The two walked up to me, tired but satisfied.


    ¡°So, what¡¯d you think?¡± Melanie asked, a confident smirk on her lips.


    I continued stirring. ¡°Depends.¡±


    ¡°On what?¡±


    ¡°On whether you want my honest critique or flattery.¡±


    She placed her hands on her hips. ¡°Oh? Do tell.¡±


    ¡°Alright then. Mediocre,¡± I said truthfully. I wasn¡¯t comparing the twins to Luo Hao, I wasn¡¯t that unreasonable, but to Yinghua. Laura. Rob. Jabra. Hell, even Maeve when she shaped up a bit and quit being a useless alcoholic. I could see the heavy frowns on their faces. ¡°To clarify, it¡¯s clear that you¡¯re extremely well-trained as far as people who aren¡¯t professional huntsmen go. You know what the other will do, to the point that you sometimes start moving before the other even begins to attack. And that¡¯s a huge problem.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong with that?¡±


    ¡°As a team? Nothing. It¡¯s beautiful. When you¡¯re sparring against each other though? You¡¯re too familiar with your other half that it¡¯s hampering your growth. At this point, I don¡¯t think you¡¯re learning anything as much as you are engraving into your bodies the ins and outs of fighting other people like yourselves. You¡¯ll be much less successful against other fighting styles.¡±


    Miltiades huffed. ¡°Well we can¡¯t do much about that.¡±


    ¡°Wasn¡¯t finished. Though you¡¯re both very skilled, it¡¯s clear that neither of you have much talent for combat. You¡¯re better than average, but that¡¯s all. You compensate for a lack of innate talent with teamwork and I¡¯d imagine it works for you most of the time, but you could do much better if you sharpened your movements more.


    ¡°You both have too much flair and not enough substance. There were points in your spar when either of you could have ended it decisively but chose to grandstand and pose for half a second. You¡¯re not on a runway; you¡¯re fighting. End it. That kind of showboating implies you¡¯re used to the other twin attacking during your brief lull to keep you safe from retaliation. It¡¯s really not doing you any favors.


    ¡°Lastly, I¡¯ve noticed that you¡¯re both horribly short on breath. Endurance really isn¡¯t your strong suit because, again, you count on each other to buy time so you can catch your breath mid-fight. This works for you both because you¡¯re usually fighting gangbangers who are little more than civilians. If they have aura, I¡¯d bet their training is even worse than yours. Okay, now I¡¯m done.¡±


    The twins¡¯ faces shifted from shock to rage. Their normally beautiful, pale skin took on tinges of ruddy red. Melanie scoffed. ¡°Yeah? What do you know about fighting?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, you¡¯re a chef, fluffy,¡± Miltiades huffed.


    ¡°What do I know of fighting?¡± I asked. What did I know indeed? It wasn¡¯t like I was trained by the greatest martial mistress in history, developed a personal martial art based on the phases of the moon, fought dozens of deities, and helped murder the King of the End or anything. ¡°I loathe fighting.¡±


    ¡°Then you don¡¯t get to talk. Just make your ice cream.¡±


    ¡°Oh, no. I get it. The thrill of combat, the flow of battle. The feeling of accomplishment and fulfillment as you cross blades with a worthy foe. The sheer, unadulterated validation of life as you stand victorious over the corpse of an obstacle you thought you could never overcome. I get it. I loathe fighting because I loathe bullies and fighting weaklings makes me feel like a bully.¡±


    The twins fell silent at the pure conviction in my voice. My first love was cooking, but it wasn¡¯t as though I couldn¡¯t understand a warrior¡¯s heart. How could I not with a wife like Luo Hao? Combat was in my nature as a Campione and I had been honed to a razor edge by the best of the best.


    Melanie took in a fortifying breath. ¡°Yeah? Prove it. You think you¡¯re so tough? Let¡¯s dance, bunny.¡±


    I sighed and stood. ¡°I suppose after a speech like that, I can¡¯t blame you for calling me out. Fine, I will trade pointers with you, just this once.¡± I called over a gang member and thrust the bowl full of ice cream into his hand. ¡°Don¡¯t stop churning. Keep it in the ice bath. If you stop, I¡¯ll kill you.¡±


    So saying, I stepped onto the dance floor.


    Author¡¯s Note


    Huh, I¡¯m having way more fun with this than I expected. You know what? I¡¯ll probably make another few chapters over the next month, see where it gets me. Right now, the big question is whether or not I want Tianyu to stay with Junior or go to Beacon to fuck with the main cast. Both could be fun in their own way.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 5

    Homeless Bunny 5


    Despite the twins¡¯ grandstanding, they had to wait a few hours for their auras to recharge. On the plus side, I finished making my ice cream. I tasted it, decided to go with the vanilla-ginger recipe, and roped the entire unpowered gang membership into stirring huge bowls of ice cream over ice baths. They could take turns.


    Sure, I technically held zero authority in the Xiong Family, but I only needed to give Junior a bowl before he said my word was law. The mooks probably hated me, but meh, they were mooks.


    Hours later, I stood and watched as the teddy bear DJ, Frank, hooked up our scrolls to the TV again. Our auras displayed as full, though I was intentionally clamping down on mine to avoid overloading the system. It felt like I was wearing a straitjacket. And cement shoes. And a noose tied to an aircraft carrier.


    I¡¯d deal. It really wasn¡¯t a big enough handicap; they deserved more. They would have lost to Jabra before I gave him daggers made of Tiangou¡¯s teeth. Guy turned into a bit of a monster as far as mortals went after that.


    I reached down and pulled my apron from my waist before tying it around my eyes.


    ¡°What are you doing?¡± Melanie asked suspiciously.


    ¡°Blindfolding myself.¡±


    ¡°Why?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m giving you ladies a handicap. No eyes, no Semblance.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re fucking with me.¡±


    ¡°I am not.¡± I then pulled out the Wooden Spoon of Gentle Guidance and held it between the pinky and thumb of my left hand. Flicking posture, as Laura called it. ¡°You have two win conditions: First, you can steal my blindfold. If you can do that, I¡¯ll consider it your win. Second, you can exhaust my aura the old fashioned way.¡±


    ¡°Bullshit.¡±


    ¡°This is too much, fluffy,¡± Miltiades said with a sullen glare. ¡°We thought you were cool.¡±


    ¡°Well, fuck him, Mil. We¡¯ll just have to teach him some manners the hard way.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s a spoon, Mel.¡±


    ¡°It is. Giving you one chance to grab a real weapon, fluffy. You know, for the frittata.¡±


    I smiled placidly. ¡°This is fine. The Wooden Spoon of Gentle Guidance was made for this exact purpose. Remember, you don¡¯t need to defeat me, just get the blindfold off.¡±


    Miltiades ran her claws against each other, drawing an ominous grinding sound. ¡°That¡¯s it. I¡¯m going to enjoy beating the stuffing out of you.¡±


    I shrugged. I was being kind to them by giving them a way out. Winning by aura count was tantamount to exhausting a Campione¡¯s reserves. Asking a mortal to pull that off was like granting an ant immortality, then asking said ant to move a mountain one mile away. It was possible in the most abstract sense. The ant could, over millions of years, wait for erosion to take effect. Then over another million years, carry the mountain a mile away, grain of sand by grain of sand. Technically doable, but it was such an unlikely feat that the very notion was hilarious.


    I held out my spoon. All around us, the mooks were starting to make their bets. Even Junior was looking down from the balcony where he¡¯d been fielding a call. ¡°I¡¯m not underestimating you, believe it or not.¡±


    ¡°Yeah? Don¡¯t blame us when we rip up those pretty ears, fluffy.¡±


    ¡°You don¡¯t believe me. Fine, let¡¯s trade pointers. Come at me as you please.¡±


    And they did.


    They worked in perfect synchronicity, like a pair of dancing cranes skimming the surface of a tranquil lake as plum blossoms floated in the breeze.


    I shook my head. Hanging out with Chang¡¯e was making me a bit too poetic. I heard the hiss of Mil¡¯s claws streaking towards me and ducked, dodging the blow to my throat by the narrowest margin possible. I even left my ear between her claws and wagged it teasingly.


    She growled in frustration and launched into a series of slashing swipes that impressed me with their accuracy. As pissed as she was, she never let it get to her head, at least not enough to make her movements sloppy. Each slash was aimed at either a joint or a vital organ: Uppercut towards the left armpit. Thrust into the opposite kidney. Switch trajectory into my eyes.


    I nodded approvingly even as I wove between her strikes. She was vicious, utterly merciless. I could see it in the cold jade of her eyes; this ruthlessness wasn¡¯t born of knowing aura would protect me. No, this was born of experience. Miltiades Malachite was as much a huntress as any licensed one, albeit of men rather than grimm.


    ¡®Luo Hao would like her,¡¯ I mused. She had the grace, flexibility, and killing intent. What she lacked in natural talent, she made up for with raw experience and training. ¡®Then again, wifey might just kill her for her insolence, always a tossup with her.¡¯


    I whistled innocently as Melanie joined in. Where Miltiades was as fast and relentless as a pissed off cat,  her sister preferred a stronger, more penetrating style. Kicks, being slower, made Melanie¡¯s attacks much easier to parry, but the twins took advantage of that. When I flicked a bladed heel away with my spoon, Mil was there, already trying to get under my guard. They¡¯d clearly developed their combat style with the other in mind so that one could make openings while the other capitalized.


    It didn¡¯t matter.


    Even as I limited myself to their speed, the gap in experience was far too wide to bridge with a simple two on one. I kept a hand behind my back as my fingers lashed out, twirling the spoon and using the revolution to deflect a roundhouse kick from Mel. I then predicted Mil¡¯s aggression and stepped into her guard to meet her before bringing my spoon flush against her nose.


    Miltiades went cross-eyed trying to see my ¡°teaching aide.¡± I flared my qi just a tiny bit, filling it with twin elements: metal to penetrate her aura without shattering it in one blow, wood to nourish and nurture so as to not break the delicate girl beneath. Then my fingers blurred and a loud, satisfying snap filled the air.


    ¡°Aah!¡± she cried out, stumbling back several steps. She clutched her now crimson nose as tears stung the edges of her vision. ¡°What the hell!¡±


    ¡°This is the Wooden Spoon of Gentle Guidance. Respect. The. Spoon,¡±I said smugly as I twirled it between my fingers. I glanced up to the monitor to confirm what I knew; her aura had dipped by less than one percent, so little that the system didn¡¯t even recognize the drop.


    ¡°Oh, that is it!¡± she shrieked. She launched herself at me with renewed fury but this time, I was done dodging. I held the spoon between my index and middle fingers and used the gentle slope of the back to redirect her swipes and thrusts around me.


    ¡°Rage is good, but you should not let it consume you. Instead, be as the stone in the river. Become an isle of calm in the flow of battle,¡± I intoned sagely. ¡°All things shall pass so fill your heart with tranquility and conviction.¡±


    ¡°Oh, fuck you and your Mistralian fortune cookie bullshit,¡± Mil growled. ¡°Mel!¡±


    The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.


    ¡°On it!¡±


    Melanie got on her hands and knees in a sweeping kick that would have ripped out my Achilles tendon. I stepped over it as easily as a child walking over cracks in the sidewalk. Then, I redirected a downward slash from her sister towards Melanie¡¯s face.


    ¡°Hey, watch it, sis!¡± Melanie cried, narrowly dodging the crimson claws. A single petal from the flower in her hair fell to the ground.


    ¡°Wasn¡¯t me!¡±


    I lashed out again with my spoon in the dreaded flicking posture, this time for the nose of the older twin. Again, metal and wood blended perfectly, my will keeping the two normally warring elements at peace. Another snap pierced the air, sending Melanie skidding back on her butt.


    ¡°Oww!¡± she yelped, hands clutching her abused nose and sounding a little nasally.


    ¡°Talking isn¡¯t a free action,¡± I said. ¡°You should only talk if the information you¡¯re conveying is vital. Or if you outclass your opponent so heavily that it no longer matters.¡±


    I stepped back a bit to give them room to come up with another plan. Mil helped her sister to her feet and some unspoken message passed between them. I doubted they knew this, but the slight clacking of the stones in Mil¡¯s necklace and the rustling of Mel¡¯s fur collar gave them away. Not to mention, the sound of petals and feathers. Once I knew the position of their heads, the rest of their movements were easy to follow.


    The twins glared heatedly at me before charging as one.


    ¡°You-¡±


    ¡°Stop looking down on us!¡±


    This time, instead of splitting off to my left and right, they worked together for a direct assault. Their attacks came fast and hard, with Mil trying to whittle down my defenses and Mel going low to target my ankles, knees, and even my balls.


    The twins were vicious and I loved them for it.


    When I reached out with my spoon to flick Mil, her older sister grabbed her by the hand and yanked her back half a step. They worked like a well-oiled machine, with Mel acting as a mobile foundation for her sister¡¯s faster attacks.


    Then, Mel leapt into the air, breaking their pattern. She twirled like a ballerina, more of that needless flair I warned them about, and gave me a good look beneath her skirt. It might have distracted most men, but that sense of propriety had been beaten out of me long ago so when her bladed heel came slicing towards my temple, I just ducked and gave Mil another flick on the nose.


    Miltiades reeled back in pain even as Melanie came down from her jump. Without her twin to bounce off of, she could do nothing when my spoon snaked up between her armpit to give her an identical flick on the nose.


    ¡°Aah!¡± the twins yelped as one. ¡°Will you quit it?!¡±


    I sighed. I could hear the real tears in their voices. I reached up and pulled off my blindfold before tossing it aside. Kneeling, I cupped each of their chins. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, maybe I went a little overboard. I didn¡¯t mean to bully you, just break you of your bad habits.¡±


    ¡°Hell of a way to go about it,¡± Melanie said with a pouting glare. ¡°You humiliated us.


    ¡°In front of all our goons,¡± Miltiades added. ¡°Bet you just wanted to slap around two girls.¡±


    ¡°I did not,¡± I said firmly. Maybe I was a little too harsh. Luo Hao was far harsher with me, but I¡¯d wanted to learn. I did kind of goad them into challenging me. ¡°How about I stop slapping you around the dance floor and get you some ice cream?¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re not children,¡± Mel sniffed.


    ¡°Yeah, we¡¯re twenty-three, you jerk. And taller than you,¡± her sister quipped.


    I grasped at my heart. ¡°Oof, really? Short jokes?¡±


    Melanie got up and dragged her sister to her feet. ¡°That better be damn good ice cream, fluffy.¡±


    ¡°The best you¡¯ve ever had. Bunny¡¯s promise.¡±


    ¡°Hmph, we¡¯ll see.¡±


    X


    ¡°Mnnn~¡± the girls moaned in chorus.


    ¡°Best you¡¯ve ever had, as promised,¡± I grinned smugly. My ears bounced in mesmerizing patterns. I had it on good authority they made me impossible to stay mad at.


    Melanie wagged her spoon at me. ¡°Stop it. We¡¯re supposed to be angry.¡±


    ¡°Yeah. Don¡¯t think this is forgiveness,¡± her sister added.


    Junior, who¡¯d walked down from the second floor for his own bowl, groaned in satisfaction. He tapped the counter with a finger. ¡°So where the hell¡¯d you learn to fight like that? And cook like this?¡±


    I shrugged. ¡°My wife taught me to fight. I¡¯m the best chef; she¡¯s the best martial artist. We learn from each other.¡±


    ¡°Woah, wait, hold up. You¡¯re married?¡±


    ¡°Oh. Did I not mention that? Yeah. I mean, we often do our own thing so we don¡¯t see each other daily, but yes, I¡¯m happily married.¡±


    ¡°Bullshit. You look like you could be in middle school.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, pics or it didn¡¯t happen,¡± Melanie said.


    I rolled my eyes and made my Semblance appear in the air. I plunged my hand into the seal and called on yin, the darkness, to spit out the things I¡¯d stored inside. In particular, a miniature photo album. I slid it over. ¡°See? This is Luo Hao, the Ruler of the Martial Realm and my beautiful wife.¡±


    ¡°Holy shit, that¡¯s not fair.¡±


    Miltiades groaned. ¡°Yeah, for real. She looks that good and she¡¯s stronger than you?¡±


    I nodded. ¡°In direct combat. I can win if I have some time to prep. But yes, I¡¯ve never beaten her in a straight martial arts contest.¡±


    ¡°Unfair.¡±


    ¡°Totes.¡±


    ¡°Relax, girls, you two aren¡¯t terrible,¡± I soothed.


    ¡°You kicked our asses. With. A. Spoon,¡± Mel grumbled. ¡°You know what that means for our rep?¡±


    ¡°There is zero shame in losing to me. I¡¯m¡­ a special case.¡±


    ¡°We lost to a bunny with a spoon!¡±


    I chuckled sheepishly. She wasn¡¯t wrong. Back on earth, the twins would have won a lot of respect for facing me, no matter how much I held back. Here, my reputation as the Seventh King was nonexistent. All anyone knew was that there was a bunny who barely scraped five feet tall who absolutely clowned on the enforcers of the Xiong Family. ¡°Well, if anyone thinks ill of you for it, feel free to send them to me for a challenge of their own. Shared humiliation is a great way to build empathy.¡±


    ¡°Right¡­ How¡¯d you get this strong anyway?¡±


    ¡°I told you, Luo Hao taught me.¡±


    The twins looked at each other. A silent conversation passed between them before they looked back at me with what could be mistaken for predatory smiles.


    ¡°We¡¯ll forgive you,¡± Melanie began.


    ¡°But, you need to teach us to kick ass like that,¡± Miltiades finished.


    I blinked in surprise. I wasn¡¯t expecting them to do an about-face like this. Most gangsters, especially enforcers, tended to have highly sensitive egos. They hated losing face and tended to bare fangs at any perceived slight, no matter how outclassed they were in reality. I¡¯d had to gently rebuke more than one wannabe New York kingpin over the century.


    Was it the ice cream? Had I left such a positive impression on them in two weeks? Or were these girls more down to earth than their gaudy dresses first implied?


    I hummed in thought. I didn¡¯t want to empower gang members, especially not killers like these two, and yet¡­ My godly power was having trouble confronting the twin gods¡¯ magic. Not that I wasn¡¯t making ground, but it was unpredictable, as three divine magics blending together tended to be. By the rate the moon was repairing itself, I¡¯d be here for a while. Maybe a year, maybe ten. Wouldn¡¯t it be good to have an entourage of my own? Why not guide the Xiong Family into a more tolerable moral state?


    It wouldn¡¯t be the first time. I helped redeem Maeve, though admittedly I¡¯d just forced her to ¡°intern¡± with Annie so she could learn to be a real fucking hero.


    ¡®Besides, it wouldn¡¯t really be empowering them,¡¯ I thought. A few pointers wouldn¡¯t hurt; they¡¯d still be within the realm of mortal skill.


    ¡°It¡¯ll be hard,¡± I noted.


    ¡°We know,¡± Mel said.


    ¡°It¡¯ll hurt.¡±


    ¡°We can deal with pain,¡± Mil added. ¡°Come on, fluffy. Teach us.¡±


    ¡°You girls really want to learn from me?¡± I asked a final time. ¡°Last chance to back out.¡±


    They looked at each other, then at Junior. Their nominal boss shrugged. He had no objections. Why would he object to getting stronger subordinates?


    ¡°Yup. We want to be strong.¡±


    ¡°Strong enough to fear no one.¡±


    I nodded. ¡°Well, looks like I have new disciples.¡±


    ¡°Yes!¡± they cheered as one.


    ¡°Don¡¯t get too excited now,¡± I said with a beatific grin. ¡°There will be many spoons in your future.¡±


    Author¡¯s Note


    Hmm¡­ Even after a century, Tianyu has a habit of picking up people from the other side of the law. First Laura, now these two.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 6

    Homeless Bunny 6


    Another three weeks passed and Junior¡¯s club started to take on a reputation for fine dining with an ever-changing menu and nightly entertainment. Most days, the club was just that, a nightclub full of loud music and sweaty bodies. On Tuesdays and Wednesdays however, Junior decided to take advantage of the midweek lull to convert his club into a jazz and cigar lounge, with an expanded menu of course. The dance floor was replaced by a portable stage for live music and the booths hosted guests by reservation only.


    He was a bit skeptical of the idea at the start, but came to like this setup. The club was useful for gathering scuttlebutt from the streets, but he didn¡¯t get to mix with the wealthier crowd very often. This way, he could easily walk around and play the gracious host, occasionally taking a seat at their booth to ask them about their tastes in music, the quality of the food, and of course, a bit of idle gossip.


    Junior hired on a few chefs at my insistence. As much as I loved working the kitchen, I wasn¡¯t going to stick around. So, I began to teach six commis chefs, three per night on rotating shifts. They were all considered trustworthy members of the Xiong Family but had chosen to retire from fieldwork for whatever reason and wanted to learn a truly noble trade. Of course, that meant they had their auras unlocked.


    It was all but a necessity where I was concerned. I had come to terms with the fact that I was just as harsh a taskmaster in the kitchen as my wife was where martial arts were concerned. The kitchen was a chef¡¯s battleground and they needed their auras just to keep up with the least of my expectations.


    I could do ten times their work without breaking a sweat, but they were learning. Though teaching themes lowed my pace in the kitchen, I found myself smiling with nostalgic warmth. I remembered forcing Laura to peel potatoes for eight hours nonstop. And then I made her make hundreds of servings of potatoes au gratin until I was satisfied that the technique had been carved into her very soul.


    I was downright lenient with my new assistants, but they still insisted on calling me a demon. Still, whatever rebellious spirit my work ethic inspired in them died ignoble deaths when I strolled by with a spoon in hand. I didn¡¯t have the heart to tell them I could hear their dark grumblings from across the city.


    Today was a bit of a test for them. It was Friday night, which meant a tide of hungry, horny young adults would flood the club to dance the night away and usher in the weekend. I¡¯d intentionally kept the menu short, just six items, and left them to man the kitchen. If they couldn¡¯t memorize a paltry six recipes, I would be greatly displeased.


    That was why I was out of the kitchen. I tugged one of the bartenders to the side at random and gave him the night off. Whatever he wanted to say in protest died in his throat when he turned and found who he was talking to. Beating up the twins on the daily apparently gave me quite the reputation, not that the girls were particularly happy with my training.


    They did their best, I¡¯d accept nothing less for my time, but they definitely felt the sting to their egos each time I sent them to the floor with a wooden spoon.


    As I¡¯d expected of them, they didn¡¯t actually get any stronger. Without a divine blessing or insane natural talent, they were stuck growing the old fashioned way. No, where they really improved was in technique and polish. I showed Miltiades some attacks based loosely on the mantis style of Chinese kenpo and Melanie the kick-based French savate. Most of all, I smacked them senseless each time one of them tried to pose or swept their bangs for flair or something equally stupid. They¡¯d never be great, but I wouldn¡¯t feel embarrassed calling them my students either.


    I hummed happily as I offered a college frat boy one screwdriver, just a simple mix of vodka and orange juice. I stood out for being the only one not in uniform, and having a set of bunny ears, but with Junior hanging around the bar to loom over people¡¯s shoulders, no one made an issue of it. In exchange, if several chose to wait in longer lines to be served by a human, I decided to let them be.


    I smiled as an elderly gentleman in a pinstripe suit came my way. By the way he dressed and the way he gestured to Junior, I gathered that this was a contact. I decided to help Junior leave a favorable opinion.


    ¡°Hello, what¡¯s your poison?¡± I called.


    ¡°Oh, I don¡¯t know. I¡¯m a supplier, you see? I need to chat with Hei Xiong about some incoming shipments,¡± he said. ¡°It wouldn¡¯t be good to drink on the job.¡±


    Junior had no such reservations. ¡°Get me a martini. Dry. I recommend you take a drink, Henry. Tianyu¡¯s good, obscenely good.¡±


    ¡°Well, if my business partner insists¡­ I typically enjoy a glass of scotch but I¡¯m in the mood for something new, something sweet maybe. What would you offer a man who does more traveling than he rightly should?¡±


    ¡°A traveler, eh, sir?¡± I said with a smile. ¡°I hope you find rest here then.¡±


    ¡°Yes, yes, go light on the alcohol, if you don¡¯t mind.¡±


    ¡°I have just the thing.¡±


    I pulled out a martini glass, shaker, and three bottles: creme de menthe, creme de cacao, and heavy cream. I mixed the three with ice, slightly more heavy cream than either liquors, and gave it a vigorous shake that made my hands blur for half a second.


    What did it say about me that I used godspeed more often for instant cocktails than for fighting?


    I smirked and poured the mix into the martini glass before sprinkling it with a bit of shaved chocolate. A sprig of mint capped off the creation. I slid it over to him with pride. ¡°Grasshopper, classic, extra ice, for a traveler with a love of sweets.¡±


    I watched as the old man¡¯s face lit up in delight. ¡°Oh, my, that¡¯s good.¡±


    ¡°Damn, I kinda want one now,¡± Junior said. ¡°Remind me to try one of those later but I¡¯m gonna take him upstairs for a chat.¡±


    ¡°I will. It can even be made with ice cream instead of heavy cream if you prefer,¡± I said. I felt a small presence perk up nearby at that. Someone else with a sweet tooth perhaps?


    ¡°Hmm, I¡¯ll look forward to it. You have any trouble, you get one of the twins.¡±


    ¡°What? Think I can¡¯t handle myself?¡±


    ¡°You can handle yourself a little too well, Tianyu.¡±


    ¡°Fine, as you please. I¡¯m happier making food anyway.¡±


    As they walked off, I turned to the far stool to find yet another guest. I¡¯d heard her coming and felt her aura as she cloaked herself so when she appeared seemingly out of thin air, I merely bowed respectfully and greeted her with a smile.


    You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.


    The woman seemed about the same age as the twins, maybe older, maybe younger. She was breathtakingly beautiful, with a coquettish smile that caught the eye. Her pale, vanilla skin and split chocolate-strawberry hair brought to mind neapolitan ice cream.


    Or, she did for everyone else.


    I for one had no trouble piercing through the illusion, revealing a simple, brown-haired girl with an odd bout of heterochromia that she allowed to shine through in her illusion, one brown, one pink. She was just as cute as her illusion, albeit not as flashy or eye-catching without half her hair dyed.


    I decided it¡¯d be rude to unmask her and let her play her games.


    More importantly, I noticed something of vital importance: She was shorter than me.


    That didn¡¯t happen anymore. I¡¯d given up on meeting an adult I could physically talk down to. I said nothing, I was far too professional for that, but something about this woman¡¯s height sent butterflies of glee fluttering through my stomach.


    ¡°Hello, miss, what can I get you?¡± I greeted cordially.


    She gestured to where Henry and Junior had walked by. Then she held out a dainty hand and mimed sipping at a drink.


    ¡°Would you like what junior had?¡±


    Her head shook no.


    ¡°Henry? The grasshopper?¡±


    She held out a hand parallel to the bar and waved it back and forth.


    ¡°Mute?¡±


    A nod. And a cute scowl.


    ¡°Alright, sorry, won¡¯t bring it up again. You want a grasshopper, but not like Henry¡¯s?¡± She nodded. I played the conversation back. ¡°Ah, you want one with ice cream?¡±


    I received a far more enthusiastic nod this time, but still a final shake of her head. She gestured to a stirring spoon on the counter.


    ¡°Spoon. Scoop. Ah, you just want some ice cream.¡±


    She beamed at me with a megawatt smile that literally reflected the light off her teeth. Her illusions were truly versatile.


    ¡°Alright, no problem. We have ginger-vanilla, almond-chocolate, and mint-strawberry. What do you-¡±


    She nodded vigorously and spread her arms wide in the universal sign for ¡°gimme.¡±


    I chuckled and went about serving her. It was an accident that I¡¯d been tampering with those three specific flavors to match her outfit. Or maybe it was more of the good ol¡¯ Campione luck shining through. Either way, I wasn¡¯t complaining about such an easy to handle customer.


    From then on, the midget I¡¯d come to know as Neopolitan became a regular sight at the bar. She was an unusually sassy woman, remarkably expressive for someone who couldn¡¯t talk. She arrived each night, ate more ice cream than was strictly healthy, and vanished when she thought no one was looking. When I told Junior about the little brat not paying, he just sighed and told me not to worry about it.


    As I understood it, she, Melanie, and Miltiades had gone to the same school, a place called Lady Browning¡¯s Preparatory Academy for Girls. It no longer existed but as alumni of the same place, they knew each other pretty well.


    Unfortunately, ¡°pretty well¡± didn¡¯t mean they were friends. If anything, the three of them had a bitter rivalry. From what Neo said, the twins used to be bullies who tormented the younger girl because she wasn¡¯t as good at fighting back then. I couldn¡¯t deny it in good conscience; I knew what the twins were like.


    X


    My palm raced to meet my face with an audible slap as the most aggressively yellow blonde I¡¯d ever seen punched Junior through the bar. He landed a foot away from me, groaning in pain.


    I stared at him in accusatory judgment. ¡°Five. Minutes. I was gone for five minutes. What the fuck happened?¡±


    He let out a cough of pain before rolling over onto his side. ¡°Not our fault. Blondie came looking for some woman. Started throwing hands,¡± he wheezed.


    ¡°Ugh, did you at least clear everyone out?¡±


    ¡°Yes¡­¡±


    I glanced at the leftover food. There were platters of Scotch eggs that someone had ordered and taken two bites of before they were forced to run from the rampaging huntress. I picked up one of the unbitten ones and broke it in two. Golden yellow yolk oozed out, perfectly cooked. Jeremy had really come into his own as a chef and I was thinking about making him sous chef when I left.


    ¡°What a waste of food,¡± I muttered darkly, ¡°and on a day when Neo couldn¡¯t come around.¡±


    The ice cream girl had grown on me. Whenever Junior or the twins weren¡¯t ¡°protecting me¡± from racist customers who demanded ¡°real¡± service, she was the one who happily stepped up to kick their asses so I could keep making food. Sure, I could recognize another killer like the twins, and she was just defending her ice cream supply, but damn if she wasn¡¯t convenient. It was a real pity she wasn¡¯t around today because I doubted the blonde would¡¯ve been allowed to escalate this far.


    I watched impassively as Miltia batted aside a barrage of shotgun shells. Her superior attack speed allowed her to parry them while her sister lunged with an overhead kick that would have shaved off a solid chunk of blondie¡¯s aura.


    Blondie wasn¡¯t a pushover though. She immediately stopped firing on Mil in favor of punching Mel¡¯s foot away. Mel used the momentum of that punch to launch her in a reverse spin, before catching blondie with a crisp backhand that sent her reeling.


    That bought enough time for Mil to reenter the fight with a flurry of claw strikes that forced blondie to put her hands over her face. Mel didn¡¯t wait around for her sister to tire and present a lull in the fighting like she used to. Instead, she used Mil¡¯s flurry as a smokescreen to sneak in a punishing kick to their opponent¡¯s kidney.


    ¡°Aah!¡± blondie yelled in pain. She was launched away by that kick into a booth, sending a rain of splinters into the air.


    The twins gave her no quarter, opting to rush forward and end the fight instead of standing around looking pretty. I nodded; they hadn¡¯t studied under me long enough to imprint a full combat style, but they were taking my lessons to heart.


    Unfortunately, blondie seemed to have some kind of Semblance that amplified her strength and stamina because she rebounded from that with fiery aura cloaking her hair. Her eyes, already a menacing crimson, shone like rubies in the light as she let out an enraged roar.


    Melanie tried to turn her forward lunge into a tornado kick, but was surprised when she lost out in the exchange despite the greater speed and windup. She let out an undignified squawk that was tinged with pain and humiliation as she was sent soaring across the club and into a glass pillar. Blondie had some decent power to her.


    ¡°You gonna help?¡± Junior asked.


    I considered it. ¡°On one hand, I¡¯m a chef. I really don¡¯t like fighting. And the girls really could use some experience fighting someone who is closer to their level that isn¡¯t just themselves or Neo.¡±


    ¡°Ugh, come on, Tianyu. I¡¯m already out of aura here.¡±


    ¡°On the other hand¡­¡± I looked at the split halves of the Scotch egg in my hands. Taking a bite, I savored it for a moment and judged my students. ¡°Jeremy really did put a lot of work into this. She ruined his cooking and that¡¯s unforgivable.¡±


    ¡°Seriously? You¡¯re going to fight her over eggs?¡± Junior asked incredulously.


    ¡°Food is life. Cooking is art. Cuisine is history. A chef is the noblest profession and she has levied an insult that will not go unpunished.¡±


    ¡°Whatever. Just¡­ go¡­¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t need your permission, but fine.¡±


    I watched for a minute longer. With Melanie out like a light for the time being, Miltiades was left to fend for herself alone against an opponent who outclassed her in every way. Blondie was tankier, stronger, and about as fast, maybe even a hair faster. Without her twin to coordinate with, Miltiades didn¡¯t just lose half her combat potential, she lost most of it. Her claws were far less effective at landing finishing blows so she was left trying to whittle her opponent down. I wanted her to feel that desperation a little bit.


    Then, when anger and frustration made her sloppy, blondie grabbed an overextended arm and swung her around like a ragdoll before angling to slam her into the floor. I couldn¡¯t have that.


    ¡°Guess that¡¯s my cue¡­¡±


    Author¡¯s Notes


    Welp. Yang vs. Tianyu. Take your bets.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 7

    Homeless Bunny 7


    Yang Xiao Long


    ¡®This may have been a mistake,¡¯ I thought as I dodged a claw swipe from the red one.


    I knew a fair bit about anger and coping mechanisms; I had to with my Semblance being what it was. Dad and I burned hot, same with the white one. We were all passion and fire and fury. The red one though? She was ice-cold. She reminded me of Uncle Qrow, calculating and dangerous. She was the one that¡¯d make sure I slept with one eye open.


    When I punched her sister through a pillar, the look of frozen fury on her face almost made me hesitate.


    She was easier to deal with now that her other half was knocked out cold. It wouldn¡¯t be for long, probably a minute at most with aura, but the raw hatred in her eyes hurt as much as her claws.


    I hadn¡¯t meant for things to escalate like this. It was supposed to be a simple run. Get in, bully Junior for information about mom, and get out. Maybe knock some heads together if I needed to, but definitely not take on the entire gang overnight.


    I was a prospective Beacon student, I could probably pass it off as cracking down on gang violence or something, but dad wouldn¡¯t let me hear the end of it if he found out.


    What did it say about me that I was more worried about getting chewed out than I was about fighting a gang?


    ¡®That I¡¯m fucking badass. Gotta meet Ruby right after this anyway. I should finish up.¡¯


    She was letting her anger get to her, nowhere near as experienced with it as I was at reining it in. I grabbed a sloppy slash towards my throat and spun her around like Zwei did with my old dolls before spiking her into the floor with all my weight. She had aura; she could take it.


    Except, when I flung down, she was nowhere to be found.


    ¡°That¡¯s enough of that, I think,¡± I heard behind me. I whirled and saw a rabbit faunus with snow-white hair and ruby-red eyes. Discounting the footlong ears that folded and flopped expressively, he was short, maybe even shorter than Ruby.


    He was pretty. No, not just pretty, adorable in ways I couldn¡¯t describe, ways that I wasn¡¯t sure was humanly possible. His face was perfectly symmetrical and his large, red eyes and dainty nose gave him the image of perfect, angelic innocence. It was like looking at the most beautiful sculpture come alive, with fluffy bunny ears thrown on top for¡­ reasons¡­ I met his eyes and felt the instinctive need to collapse my gauntlets and go pet those ears.


    ¡®Shut up, Yang,¡¯ I chided myself. ¡®He¡¯s probably a gangster if he¡¯s still here.¡¯


    I looked at him more closely. He was cradling the red twin in one arm and had a¡­ plate of egg in hand¡­ It actually looked pretty good, some kind of boiled egg wrapped in sausage and fried. He¡¯d managed to save the red one, so that probably meant he had some sort of mobility Semblance. Maybe short-range teleportation?


    He¡¯d moved to the white twin in the time I¡¯d taken to look him over. A golden seal that looked like a five-pointed star appeared and the smell of freshly cut grass filled the room before the white one sat up with a moan of pain.


    That was¡­ unusual. A healing Semblance of some kind? Those were rare, and meant my guess about teleportation was wrong. I looked around cautiously. That meant there was someone else here.


    ¡°A bit late to the party, fluffy,¡± red said with a relieved smile. So definitely not on my side then.


    ¡°I believe the words you¡¯re searching for are ¡®you¡¯re welcome,¡¯¡± the bunny replied dryly. ¡°Now, what have we learned?¡±


    The twins looked at him incredulously. ¡°Seriously? Are you actually lecturing us right now? That¡¯s totes lame, right, Mel?¡±


    ¡°Right, Mil,¡± the white one added. They were identical twins and even had similar names. Joy.


    ¡°Well too bad,¡± the bunny chided. ¡°You two did alright, but Melanie, you tried to match a berserker in a contest of brute force and lost miserably.¡±


    ¡°Hey!¡±


    ¡°Shh! You should have stuck to what you were doing, breaking down her guard so Miltiades could whittle down her aura. Then, when she was critical, you could have gone for a decisive strike to end things. Instead, you got sucked into her pace of battle and let her dictate the way you engaged her. That was stupid.¡±


    ¡°Well, I-¡± She looked like she was going to argue before bowing her head. The white flower in her hair sagged with her. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    ¡°And you, Miltiades. You lost the moment Melanie went down, but you losing control of your anger and getting sloppy wasn¡¯t helping matters. If you played hit and run, there was a decent chance you could hold out long enough for her to wear herself out, or for Junior to grab a reload on his rocket launcher and recover a bit of aura before coming back. A battle isn¡¯t fought alone, nor is it the place to lose yourself,¡± he lectured.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Tianyu. We¡¯ll do better,¡± the red one said, head equally bowed.


    I blinked in surprise. The bitch twins were showing respect. I thought they and Junior were the top dogs in the gang. It made me cautious. He was obviously strong enough or important enough to cow them. Maybe it was a little racist to think so, but a faunus probably wouldn¡¯t get to be someone important without also being really strong in a human gang.


    He placed the plate of battered egg down on the floor and reached out to hold both their faces. He gently lifted their heads so he could face them. Then, with a tenderness that ran contrary to his words, he began to pat them on their heads.


    ¡°You did good,¡± he said. ¡°Despite it all, your movements are getting cleaner. You didn''t showboat. You took her seriously right from the get-go. You¡¯re learning and that¡¯s what really matters.¡±


    ¡°R-Right,¡± they chorused, their faces burning. I was starting to get an idea of their dynamic now. Their crushes were so obvious even Ruby would be able to tell.


    Then he dusted himself off and picked up the plate before standing to face me. ¡°And as for you, blondie, you¡¯re going to apologize.¡±


    ¡°Excuse me?¡± I was ready for the fight of my life. I was at roughly half my aura. My Semblance had cooled a bit but I could probably stoke the fire a bit longer if I needed to.


    And he wanted me to apologize.


    I looked around at the wreckage and felt a little guilty. ¡°Ehehe, guess I kinda went overboard, huh? How about we call this a wash tonight?¡±


    ¡°Nope.¡± He held out the plate. ¡°Jeremy went out of his way to master my Scotch egg recipe. He was really looking forward to taking control of the kitchen tonight. You fucking around cost him his customers and made him waste this egg. That customer must have been looking forward to eating Jeremy¡¯s dish. So you will apologize. Take this plate, march into that kitchen, and find the one with the blue bandana. Then tell him you¡¯re sorry for ruining his dish.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.


    ¡°Go. If you do, I¡¯ll consider us even.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re kidding me.¡±


    ¡°I am not. You will apologize for ruining his hard work and be grateful that¡¯s all I am asking of you,¡± he said sternly. He sounded a bit like dad, both as dad and Professor Xiao-Long at Signal Academy, like he was talking to an unruly child.


    I saw red.


    Seriously, who was this guy? What gave him the right to stroll in here and act like I owed him something? Where did he get off with this fucking arrogance? And he even looked so damn earnest with it too! Like I was the one in the wrong and he was doing me a favor!


    I suppressed the quiet voice in the back of my mind that agreed with him. Instead, I stoked the pyre inside my soul. The world around me burned gold as my hair caught fire.


    ¡°You want me to apologize. Over an egg.¡±


    ¡°Please don¡¯t apologize,¡± the red twin called from the side.


    ¡°Right. Totes. You can take him,¡± the white one added.


    ¡°This is going to be so funny, Mel.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, Mil. It¡¯s finally happening.¡±


    ¡°I know, right? Someone else is going to get spooned.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s way better watching from this side of things.¡±


    Then the both of them fell into a fit of giggles. I got the weird impression that they didn¡¯t think I could take him.


    That just made me angrier.


    ¡°Last chance,¡± the bunny said. ¡°If you go find Jeremy and say you¡¯re sorry, and if he forgives you, I¡¯ll let you walk away.¡±


    ¡°No. Fuck that. I¡¯m going to punch in your smug little face.¡±


    ¡°Suit yourself.¡± Then the little shit reached into his pocket. I expected a knife. Maybe brass knuckles like mine. No, he pulled out a fucking spatula. ¡°This might be beyond your abilities, but someone who desecrates food and refuses to acknowledge her fault deserves the Wooden Spatula of Righteous Rebuke.¡±


    ¡°Oh, god, that thing had a big brother,¡± I heard one of the twin bitches whisper. There was genuine, undisguised awe mixed with horror in that voice.


    ¡°Blondie¡¯s going to die, Mil.¡±


    ¡°Yeah¡­ Blondie¡¯s going to die.¡±


    ¡°I kinda feel bad for her,¡± one of them said. The worst part was that there was real sympathy, like I was supposed to be afraid of an oversized spoon.


    I refused to be treated like Ruby with her hand in the cookie jar!


    I saw red. I discharged the spent casings and whipped out a fresh set of ammo for Ember Celica before slotting them in with a satisfying click. Then, I pressed my shot-gauntlets behind me and fired, discharging two shells and launching myself forward. Fist cocked back, I yelled, ¡°Eat this!¡±


    He swung his spatula to meet me. I saw a streak of brown before my aura shattered like it wasn¡¯t even there. Above fifty percent to feeling like a newborn baby faster than I could blink. All it took was a single flick of the wrist.


    And then the rest of what happened registered. The scream of tortured metal. The explosion of dust rounds as they were compressed beyond all reason. The gauntlets I¡¯d made with Ruby, proof of my status as a huntress, blew up. Half of Ember Celica shattered into a million pieces as I was thrown back by his counter.


    ¡®It has to be some kind of dust-casting,¡¯ I groaned in my head. He had that weird seal thing so there was probably some hidden dust crystal in the handle. Maybe gravity for striking power and added durability?


    I didn¡¯t know wood could be reinforced like that, but to be fair, I didn¡¯t know a lot about dust. I knew enough to maintain my weapon and make new shells with fire dust and little else.


    He walked up to me, spatula spinning in his fingers like a butterfly knife. ¡°You can still say sorry.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s just an egg!¡±


    ¡°It is. It is also representative of my apprentice¡¯s efforts this past three weeks. It is the tangible proof of his growing skill and you ruined it. Apologize and you can walk away. Or don¡¯t, and I will stop being nice.¡±


    I tried to stand but collapsed back to my knees. Aura exhaustion was a bitch and I just didn¡¯t have it in me to fight. He loomed over me; the midget looked so tall like this. I opened my mouth to speak-


    ¡°Get away from my sister!¡± I heard. And with it came the familiar sound of Crescent Rose unfolding.


    I turned, just in time to see Ruby aiming her rifle behind her. The crack of a sniper round sounded as a blizzard of rose petals cloaked her body. My eyes widened in horror. I had to warn her but no words escaped my mouth. I wouldn¡¯t make it in time.


    ¡°Hiiyaaah!¡± Ruby yelled, her cherished blade scything through the air towards the monster bunny.


    ¡°God, there¡¯s more of you?¡± I heard him mutter.


    Then, in a move that boggled the mind, he caught Crescent Rose in two fingers. He held the blade there, frozen in place by impossible strength, an inch from his throat. Ruby¡¯s eyes widened as she came to a stop. She was dangling in the air, refusing to let go of her weapon but not tall enough to reach the ground. It would have almost been funny if I wasn¡¯t so scared for her.


    ¡°R-Run, Ruby,¡± I croaked.


    ¡°Hey now, brat. I¡¯m not the one who marched in here, chased out all the guests, beat up the staff, and threw a tantrum like a child,¡± the bunny spoke. He looked bored, annoyed, and exasperated, but not angry.


    That was probably a good thing. He¡¯d officially moved straight past dad on the list of people who fucking terrified me. Even dad took a dozen hits to erase my aura and he was a top-tier huntsman.


    ¡°Yang wouldn¡¯t do that!¡± Ruby yelled back. I felt a wave of guilt at her ironclad faith in me. I¡¯d really screwed the pooch this time¡­


    She tried to tug on the weapon to no avail. Then when that didn¡¯t work, she yanked herself onto the shaft and rode it like a witch¡¯s broom while pulling the trigger.


    Crescent Rose was heavy. It had to be to withstand the stress my sister put on the weapon. The staff was made of an incredibly strong alloy. The joints and tips of the scythe blade had to be quality stuff. If Dad and Uncle Qrow hadn¡¯t been teachers at Signal, there was no way Ruby would have had access to those metals from the forge.


    The sniper had enough power to launch the scythe and Ruby backwards. Bullet for bullet, it was more powerful than Ember Celica.


    And the bunny didn¡¯t even budge. He held the scythe in the exact same position, not a single hair out of place. At best, he looked a little annoyed at having the sniper round go off so close to his ears. That left Ruby straddling her weapon awkwardly, staring back at him with mounting realization.


    ¡°Alright, I¡¯m going to let you have your weapon back and you¡¯re going to wait while blondie goes to apologize.¡± He let her go.


    Ruby flipped in the air and landed in a crouch.


    ¡°You won¡¯t get us!¡± she yelled. Her faith in me was awe-inspiring, but we were so outclassed it wasn¡¯t even funny. She was in her own world now. ¡°Stand up, Yang! He can¡¯t beat both of us. Hiyaa!¡±


    She turned her scythe around and started a rising swing that would have cleaved him from waist to shoulder. The bunny sighed and his spatula became a blur. Then I heard it again. Crescent Rose, Ruby¡¯s pride and joy, the weapon she loved like her firstborn child, shattered.


    ¡°Okay, you don¡¯t have a weapon anymore. Now will you listen?¡±


    The room fell silent. Ruby slumped to her knees as she cradled Crescent Rose¡¯s mangled shaft. Her hands trembled. I could see tears in her eyes and I swore I¡¯d never forgive him for making Ruby cry.


    ¡°N-No¡­ M-My baby¡­¡± she gasped. The immense sorrow in her voice rubbed my heart raw. I knew she¡¯d rather cut off her own arm than damage her weapon. She¡¯d spent hundreds of hours designing that thing, ever since Uncle Qrow first began teaching her. It was everything to her. Her hands clenched into tiny fists. ¡°You¡­¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s just a weapon, brat,¡± the bunny said. WIth those five words, Ruby found her nemesis.


    ¡°Just a weapon? A weapon? Y-You monster!¡±


    She glared up at him with pure grief and righteous fury in her eyes. Then, something happened. Her eyes began to glow. I thought I could see wings of light erupt from them.


    And then everything went white.


    Author¡¯s Note


    Height. Tianyu is 5¡¯ even. Canonically, Neo is 4¡¯ 10¡±, Ruby is 5¡¯ 2¡±, the twins are 5¡¯ 5¡±, and Yang is 5¡¯ 8¡±, making Tianyu the second shortest character so far.


    And eyup¡­ The casual arrogance of walking onto a battlefield, lecturing the defeated party, then telling the winner ¡°Say you¡¯re sorry or I¡¯m going to be upset with you,¡± over a laughably petty matter. It¡¯s the kind of attitude only a Campione can have and pisses Yang the fuck off.


    So, Tianyu has zero clue how important Crescent Rose is to Ruby. He just sees a speedy brat who¡¯s too eager to take a swing without hearing things through first. The Silver Eyes supposedly ignite like the sharingan from Naruto, at moments of incredible stress. Usually, that''s the loss of a loved one or a life or death battle, but I thought it¡¯d be funny if Ruby unlocked her eyes because she lost her ¡°baby.¡±


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 8

    Homeless Bunny 8


    "It''s just a weapon, brat," I told the silver-eyed brat. I regretted those words the moment they left my lips. The sheer unadulterated grief in her expression couldn''t be faked. She didn''t look like a huntress who''d lost her primary means of combat; she looked like a mother who''d lost her child, a sight I''d seen far too often in my life.


    Then the world crawled to a standstill as my senses accelerated beyond all mortal logic. Something in her eyes changed. Mana welled up from within, drawing upon her very soul, until her sorrow was drowned out by righteous fury.


    "Just a weapon? A weapon? Y-You monster!" she screamed out.


    White light flooded the dance floor but the unrestrained, uncontrolled spell was targeting me alone. I felt the mana wash over me and¡­ do absolutely nothing.


    She poured out all her grief and rage, wrung her very soul dry to eke out what mana she could, and fell pitifully short of my passive magic resistance. I was a Campione after all. Far be it for me to discredit strength born of desperation, the majority of my siblings ascended in much the same way, but it just wasn''t enough most of the time. We Campione were freaks of nature, by no means a fair standard.


    Scythe-girl rammed headfirst into this impossible standard. She had no idea what she was doing. I could tell that this wasn''t a spell she''d practiced. Hell, I doubted this was something she even knew she had in the first place. She dug deep for inner strength, found it in some sort of hitherto unknown heritage, and gave it her all. It wasn''t her fault for coming up short.


    The slightest stirrings of respect nudged my heart. Just a little. She was still a disrespectful brat, far too short-tempered, but damn if she didn''t put in her best effort.


    In a way, she reminded me of a hime-miko, descendants of divine ancestors who possessed innate gifts born of that heritage. However degraded though they may be, they did have it, that ever so slight spark of divinity. It allowed them to see the future, tap into the Memories of the Void, or, in the case of Susanoo''s "granddaughter," even channel his Authority for brief periods of time.


    As the light faded, I reached out with my own mana and stabilized the fading traces of the spell. They condensed into thin wisps of light, like spiderwebs in the morning dawn. Curious, I looked closer.


    In my time, I''d often opened up the Lunar Palace to gods of varying pantheons. I hosted banquets with guest lists of major and minor deities, fae kings, demon lords, and more. It wasn''t unusual for them to pay their tabs with books, spell matrices, alchemical ingredients, or artifacts. After all, what good was gold to any of us?


    The Norse in particular were gods fond of food and drink, their king most of all. And as the god of wisdom and father of runes, Odin had plenty to offer to buy himself a hearty meal or dozen.


    Suffice to say, I''d gotten rather familiar with spell matrices of all types. The one I was looking at, the imprints of a divine blessing from a god of light, made me wonder at the sheer nerve of the girl.


    "Did¡­ Did you just try to petrify me?" I asked the scythe-girl incredulously. I wasn''t offended; I was impressed. Voban, my eldest brother, had an Authority that did something similar, the Eyes of Sodom, which could turn any living creature he saw into a pillar of salt. That some snot-nosed brat had a power reminiscent of the fiercest of my siblings was¡­ surprising to say the least.


    She collapsed, utterly spent, but I was there to catch her. Gently, I laid her down on the ground next to the gold one.


    "R-Ruby," the blonde blubbered. "W-What did you do to her?"


    I looked at her with a halfhearted glare. All else aside, she still ruined Jeremy''s Scotch egg. I wouldn''t forget that. "Nothing, you brat. Has she ever used her heritage before?"


    "What?"


    "Her heritage. The eye-magic."


    "What magic? Her Semblance is speed!"


    "So she''s never had flashing eyes before?"


    "No! What was that?"


    I frowned. That made me feel even guiltier. "Somehow, me breaking her weapon caused her enough grief that she tapped into an ancestral ability of some kind."


    "What?"


    "You''re one giant stereotype, aren''t ya?" I said, rolling my eyes. "She, Ruby, has eye-magic. She''s always had eye-magic. Sometimes, bloodline gifts like this can awaken when put through sufficient trauma, though why breaking her weapon of all things caused it is beyond me."


    "She loved Crescent Rose like her child!"


    "Ah, that''d do it." I ran my fingers through my hair. The blond flinched back as I raised my hand. "Relax. If I want you dead, you would be. You breathe, ergo I don''t want you dead."


    "Real comforting," she muttered under her breath. "What the hell was that?"


    "Eye-magic. Weren''t you listening? It turns her enemies to stone from what I can tell."


    "Yeah, you''re looking real stony."


    I flicked her nose, sending rolling in pain. "Ow! Why does that hurt so much?"


    "Because I want it to. And I''m not stone because¡­" I thought about explaining the nuances of being a Campinoe. She clearly knew nothing of gods or Authorities or divine magic so I''d have to start there. Or really, just with magic in general. I thought about it, then decided shit wasn''t worth wasting my breath over. "... because I''m a bunny. Bunnies are the sacred guardians of the moon and therefore immune to magic," I declared, with full confidence. Who was going to question me? Bring me a bunny and I''d just use an Authority to make it immune.


    "The moon''s broken," she said sarcastically. "Doing a real bang-up job guarding the moon, huh?" My fingers blurred and she rolled away again. "Aahhh! Ow! Fuck! Shit! Why!"


    "Shut up. Bunnies are magic-proof ''cause I said so. And as the embodiment of the will of the fluffy and Master of Fluffles, my word is law." I looked around at the destruction around us. Melanie and Miltiades were pretending very poorly to not eavesdrop. I rolled my eyes and waved the twins over. "Are you done?"


    "Hey, we didn''t start this," Melanie whined. "It''s the blonde bimbo who barged in here and started wrecking shit."


    "Yeah, Mel and I were just doing our jobs defending the place," Miltiades chimed in.


    "I know. And I''m putting a stop to it. All four of you. It''s over now, got it?"


    "Can we hit her a few more times?"


    "No."


    "Aww¡­ Can we watch you hit her with a spoon again?"


    "No¡­ Maybe¡­"


    "Sitting right here," blondie grumbled.


    Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.


    "And? Are you done? Because you still need to go find Jeremy and apologize."


    "You''re really not going to let that go, are you? It''s just an egg!"


    My qi filled the club and an immeasurable pressure settled over her shoulders. "It''s just an egg to you, but it represents the sum total of his efforts training under me. It is his first true accomplishment as a chef, and tonight was to be the first night he was put in charge of the kitchen. It''s not just an egg."


    "O-Okay, chill. Fine, I''ll say sorry!"


    I smiled beatifically. "Good. Life is better when you respect people''s efforts, don''t you think? And longer."


    "W-What about Crescent Rose?"


    "I know. I''ll apologize for breaking her weapon when she wakes up. Ruby, was it? I''d be a hypocrite if I didn''t make it up to her somehow."


    "Good luck with that. You use a spatula. Crescent Rose is the most complex weapon I''ve ever seen."


    "And? It''s still a farming tool. Can''t be too hard to reforge it." I rummaged around in my pocket and pulled out a lollipop.


    It was a tiny rice crispy treat shaped into a marble, coated in dark chocolate, and sprinkled with shards of peanuts. It was also blessed with the Peach Blossom Alchemy for healing purposes. I decided that the rice balls of healing were a bit too much to choke down mid-fight and settled on these. I carried a few hundred of them in an enchanted bottomless pocket at all times; I never knew when I might need one to pacify children.


    I peeled away the wrapper and shoved it into Ruby''s mouth.


    "Hey, what are you doing?"


    "I''m the stranger giving a little girl candy. She has to come home with me now. That''s how this works, right?"


    "You¡­!" To her credit, she managed to muster up a tiny spark of aura, enough for her eyes to go red again. I wasn''t even sure why I was provoking her. No, yes I was. I was still annoyed about the egg.


    And¡­ If I had to be perfectly honest¡­ It was kinda funny¡­


    "Ngg," Ruby moaned as the candy''s magic did its work. Her lips closed around the treat without conscious input. "W-What happened?"


    "You got all bright-eyed when you looked at me. You were so captivated that you passed out. And now you''re sucking on my lollipop," I explained patiently.


    "That''s gross," the twins drolled.


    "Maybe, but true. She''s just going to have to accept that she sucked a random stranger''s lollipop."


    "I don''t know how, but I''m going to kill you," the blonde swore through gritted teeth.


    "Crescent Rose!" Ruby yelled as it all came back to her. She looked down at the lollipop in her mouth and the shattered remnants of her weapon before shooting me a glare of pure loathing.


    I raised my hands in surrender. "Hey now, I already promised the blonde idiot I''ll make it up to you."


    "Yang''s not an idiot!"


    "Oh, so that''s her name. I mean¡­ I''ve just been calling her ''that blonde idiot'' in my head because she never introduced herself."


    "I did!" Yang protested.


    "I mean, but you didn''t matter then so I ignored it." Two pairs of glowering eyes stared me down. It was funny how humans could go from "utterly terrified" to "done with this shit" so quickly. "Alright, fine. Look, red, blon-Yang came in here and beat up the owner and his two bodyguards, that''s those two cuties there. I intervened and kicked her ass. Then you came in, saw me standing over her, and went all ''Don''t touch my sister!'' and wouldn''t listen to anything. So I broke your weapon."


    "Yang wouldn''t do that!" Ruby fumed.


    "Ehehehehe," Yang laughed nervously.


    "We have cameras," Melanie chimed in. "Like any other club. We can prove the blonde bitch started it."


    "Seriously. Lots. Of. Cameras. That could find their way into police custody," Miltiades added with a smirk.


    "Yang!" Ruby gasped, scandalized. "How could you?"


    "I was looking for mom!" her sister said. "I thought¡­ I thought that Junior might have information about her."


    I tried to understand, really. Other than Aisha, I was the most benevolent of Campione. I took pride in being an understanding king. Absolute monarch though I may be, I listened to my subjects'' wishes and did my best to make life easier for them. This¡­ This night just got stupider the more I listened.


    "Let me get this straight," I muttered. "Yang is looking for her mother. And decides that the most well-connected information broker in Vale is the man to go to. And further decides that in order to convince him, she should trash his headquarters and beat up his men. Rather than, I don''t know, paying for information like a normal person. And she has chosen to immortalize her stupidity on camera. Am I hearing this right?"


    "Well, when you put it that way, everything can sound stupid."


    "N-No¡­ I think this is just you, Yang," Ruby said with a sigh. Clearly, the weapon-nut was the reasonable one of the pair.


    "Hey, you''re supposed to be on my side!"


    "And that means calling you out when you do dumb things. Uncle Qrow said so."


    I reached up and tugged my ears over my face. "Just who is your mother that you thought this was a good plan?"


    "I don''t know! She ran off when I was born," Yang said. She produced a picture. The woman had black hair and red eyes but was otherwise a dead ringer for her daughter. "Her name''s Raven Branwen."


    The twins gasped. I eyed them curiously. "You know this one?"


    "Yup. She''s pretty famous," Mel said. "Practically everyone born in Mistral knows who that is. Can''t believe I didn''t see it earlier."


    "Yeah, seriously. At least that explains her everything, sis," Mil added. "Raven Branwen is the most wanted woman in Mistral, at least officially. Everyone who would have a higher bounty than hers pays off the council."


    "She doesn''t pay the council because she lives out in the boonies. She leads a tribe of bandits called the Branwen Tribe, see? Doesn''t really care much for organized crime."


    I turned back to Yang. "There. Your information. You realize that you could have solved your problem with about four seconds of talking to these two, don''t you?"


    "W-Well, I didn''t know," Yang mumbled.


    "No, you just grabbed Junior by the balls and sucker punched him," Mel said dryly.


    I sighed. "You also came to Vale for information about someone in Mistral. Does Junior even have informants that far out?"


    "Some," Mil nodded. "Not many. I mean, we wouldn''t be able to find the Branwen Tribe anyway since they''re bandits and they move around. Any information we get would be old by the time blondie here can act on it."


    "Figures. Whatever. This is done. I think we can agree Yang''s made a lot of fuckups tonight. Hei Xiong, if you''re done back there, wanna join us?"


    Hei Xiong, leader of the Xiong Family and biggest information broker in Vale, stepped out from behind the kitchen with a sheepish smile. It really didn''t suit a guy his size. "Sorry, you looked like you had it handled."


    "Yeah. I heard you making some calls to get this place fixed. You send the boys home?"


    "Yeah. I''m gonna have to arrange for medical care for the ones blondie trashed. We''ll be closed for a few nights while the place gets cleaned up and rebuilt."


    "Neat, how much is that?"


    "Add up medical expenses, paid time off, redecorating, and lost revenue¡­ A couple hundred grand, easy."


    Yang went pale. "I-I don''t have that kind of money."


    "Oh, I know, blondie. There are ways for you to work it off."


    "What? I''m not-"


    "A high profile guard can make about 40 lien per hour. You need to pay back 200,000, maybe a bit less. So, in exchange for not pressing charges, that''s what you''re going to do."


    "And you''ll tell Jeremy you''re sorry about the egg," I added.


    "Seriously? Fine, I''ll apologize to Jeremy, whoever he is," Yang mumbled. "I can''t work here though. I have to go to Beacon in a few weeks!"


    "Tough," Hei Xiong said with a shrug. "You broke it. You fix it."


    "But¡­"


    I rolled my eyes. "Junior, how much would the bill be if you forget about medical?"


    "Half that maybe? I don''t know, sounds about right," he said with a shrug. "My boys have aura so none of them were hurt too bad, but that''s still a lot of boys she beat up."


    "Bring them by. I can heal them."


    "You can-Of course you can¡­"


    "Now, that''s 100,000 lien I expect you to pay off by working here, Yang. I don''t care if you do it during the weekends, but you will make this right."


    "Wait, does this mean we''ll be her boss?" Miltiades asked. She sounded giddy with thoughts of petty vengeance.


    "I think it does, Mil," her twin chimed in. They shared a wicked grin before staring at Yang like a piece of meat.


    "Later," I interrupted. "If that''s settled, all we need to talk about is Ruby and her weapon."


    "Crescent Rose¡­" the slip of a girl wept. She held the shaft like a mother cradling her baby. "You''re gone too soon¡­"


    "I broke it so I will fix it. Let no one call me a hypocrite." I placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I''m going to help you redesign and fix your weapon. Hell, I''ll throw in a few rune matrices just for fun."


    "Y-You can fix Crescent Rose?"


    "I mean¡­ Probably? Look, I''m more of a hobbyist smith, but Dvalin and Odin really like their booze and they pay their tabs by giving me books and demonstrations and whatnot, alright? I know a thing or two about making weapons."


    "You use a spatula," she deadpanned.


    "No, I don''t. I have weapons for fighting. The Wooden Spatula of Righteous Rebuke is for punishing idiots."


    "You can fix her?"


    "She''ll be even stronger," I promised.


    Scythe-girl stared me down. She must have seen the sincerity in my eyes because she eventually nodded. "Okay," she sniffed tears away. "I''ll forgive you if you help me reforge Crescent Rose. But! I''m doing this too! She''s my baby!"


    She was like a silver-eyed puppy, so earnest and serious. I couldn''t resist. I pat her head. "Of course, Ruby. Of course."


    That was how a definitely underage girl ended up a regular patron at the club. Things were tense at the start, but as I''d found, ice cream could pave over all ills.


    Author''s Note


    Yes, I have a problem. My boss told me I can have Monday off (it''s Juneteenth) so here''s another one. And another...


    Alright¡­ Now to railroad to canon.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 9

    Homeless Bunny 9


    "Jiii¡­" The single most adorable (and weaponless) grim reaper in the world stared me down as I went about making a marinade. Diced pineapple, roasted red peppers, dried tomatoes, and a host of other spices flew through the air, only to be intercepted by the blur of my chef''s knife.


    Yes, Junior''s kitchen had a blender. No, I didn''t use it. This was my treasured knife, the engagement gift from Luo Hao. I slew my first world serpent with it and kept it all these years. And, after some runework from Odin, it cut better than ever. It used to be a game of mine, to toss ingredients into the air and blend them via pure speed with but one blade. Used to be, because it wasn''t really a challenge anymore.


    "Jiii¡­"


    "Are you going to sit there and pout all day, Ruby?" I asked. The ingredients that were thrown into the air fell down as liquid, straight into a large mixing bowl with cuts of pork already inside. I was going for something a little sweet, a little savory, with a nod towards al pastor found in Mexican and Tex-Mex cuisines.


    But that was for tonight.


    It was time for lunch and I had several pineapple rinds cut into perfect hemispheres, which meant pineapple fried rice. The seal of my "Semblance" lit up the wok in my hand, heating the iron instantly. A knob of ghee to oil the pan and we were good to go.


    Off to the side, Jeremy, Lenny, and a few of the other boys sat around watching with rapt attention. As they should, I was their teacher and they, my pupils. I wouldn''t be here forever and Junior had been good to me, giving me several leads into magical artifacts and the hidden history of this world. I wanted this club to feel my presence even when I was gone.


    "Now, I''m using ghee, which is clarified butter. To make ghee, you remove all the water and milk solids until you have nothing but fat. It''s got a more concentrated, nuttier taste than butter but can largely be used interchangeably," I lectured. "Fried rice is simultaneously simple and nuanced once you get down to it. For example, even though we''re having pork for dinner, I''m opting not to use pork for lunch today because with ghee already in the wok, I fear the fatty meat will make the end product too greasy.


    "Instead, I''m going with an even mix of diced chicken breast and thigh, eggs, along with shrimp. For the vegetables, go with diced onions, pineapples, chilis, scallions, ginger, and cashews. You want to sear the shrimp first so you''re not putting a lid on the wok at the end trying to steam it into cooking. This way, it''ll be done after you finish stirring.


    "Then sweat the vegetables. Let it all caramelize in the pineapple juices. Start with just onions, cashews, and pineapples so they all brown. Add the ginger, chicken, and chilis. Then, just before everything comes out, toss the tomatoes and shrimp back in. To stir, you need a firm, smooth hand. Don''t try to jar it into place like you''re banging on a TV with bad picture. Like so:"


    The meat and vegetables made a satisfying sizzling noise as they hit the wok. Ladle in hand, I began to stir with expert precision. The ingredients blurred and rippled, becoming a singular wave in my hands. As the moon commands the tides, the wok undulated in perfect rhythm, wafting an aroma that promised heavenly delights to any who smelled it.


    "Jiii¡­" she started to say, only for her stomach to let out a ravenous growl. She looked down at herself in utter betrayal. When she looked back up, I smirked knowingly. Thus was my victory complete and my truth vindicated: Chefs were the noblest of all.


    Using the emptied pineapple rinds as bowls, I plated up the food and slid a portion across the table to everyone watching.


    "Oh, Brothers, that smells heavenly," Melanie moaned as she skipped through the door, her twin not far behind. The two were dressed in yoga pants and sports bras, having returned from the gym. They''d been waking up early to eat my breakfasts, which naturally meant they were fully energized for the day despite their regular late nights. The pair got it into their heads that they ought to work off the extra food I fed them, as if anything I made would be unhealthy.


    I paid close attention to the health of everyone I cooked for, thank you very much. It was part of my Authorities. Both Peach Blossom Alchemy and the Power of the Name demanded I look after my clients to the utmost. I took account of their age, party lifestyle, training, and even estimated their BMI and other physical properties to derive their optimal nutrition.


    Food is life.


    Miltiades spotted the little reaper at the bar counter, salivating over her meal. "What''s she doing here?"


    I shrugged. "This is pineapple fried rice. I''m thinking about having the boys add it to the menu. Maybe a simpler version if it''s too hard. It''s visually impressive, smells great, and can be made in large batches like this. As for Ruby, she just zoomed in and none of the boys felt like tangling with a huntress, even an unarmed one."


    "Ugh, Tianyu, if you feed her, she''ll keep coming back."


    "Yeah, listen to Mil," Mel grumped. "We''re not running a soup kitchen, you know."


    "He killed my baby," Ruby hissed. "I''m not leaving until he helps me fix Crescent Rose!"


    I sighed. "No. You''re not going to tell people I killed your baby. Do you have any idea how weird that sounds?"


    "Baby-killer."


    "It''s a weapon. I''m sure it''s a sentimental weapon, but it''s a weapon. Not a baby. You don''t see me polishing my knife and calling it ''my precious,'' do you?"


    "Murderer¡­ Slayer of innocents."


    Junior came down the stairs and caught the tail end of the conversation. He chuckled as he took a seat. "Heh, you know, Tianyu, the Vale Police Department still thinks you''re White Fang."


    I glowered at him. "I thought you cleared that up!"


    "I mean¡­ Kinda? You have a legal presence here, but it''s not like I went to the fuzz and said, ''Oh, yeah, that guy who beat up two guards? He''s legit. Definitely not a terrorist.'' That''d make you seem even more suspicious."


    "Ugh, you''re fucking with me."


    "Nope. As far as VPD is concerned, a white-haired, red-eyed bunny-faunus matching your height is still wanted for suspected connections to the White Fang. Now, this faunus is obvious not Tianyu, my godly chef who''s been working here for over a year now, but I still don''t recommend you do anything too suspicious."


    Ruby angrily took a bite of her fried rice, only for her face to morph into utter delight. Naughty, sexual moans that had no business coming from the innocent girl sounded. Then her brain caught up to the noises she was making and her face burned red with shame. The shame turned into indignant rage as she glared heatedly at me, only for the aroma of the fried rice to call to her once again to repeat the cycle.


    Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.


    Ruby Rose was a very expressive girl¡­


    "You deserve this, baby-killer," she hissed.


    "Yeah, okay. That. That''s exactly the kind of suspicious thing Junior''s saying shouldn''t happen in public. I''m not a terrorist. I don''t kill babies. Both are lies and each makes the other infinitely worse to hear," I grumbled. Sometimes, I wished I didn''t have a moral compass. Voban never got bullied like this by people weaker than him because he just murdered all his nuisances.


    "So, bun-bun," Miltia said, "Have you found what you were looking for? You''ve been doing nothing but read myths and legends when you''re not cooking."


    "Not true, Mil," Melanie said. "He''s also been beating us up with a spoon."


    "Oh, yeah, that. Seriously not cool."


    "Yeah, that hurts way more than it should."


    I rolled my eyes. "The Wooden Spoon of Gentle Guidance is good for you. I''ve been slowly correcting your forms."


    "Well it hurts," Melanie whined.


    "Too bad. Anyway, I think I''ve found some stories I''m interested in. I''m especially interested in how the Maidens came to be and the four Relics left by the brother gods. If you find anything else on them, let me know," I told Junior. "Older the information source, the better."


    "Seriously, what''s with you and those things anyway?" he asked. "I''ve never had a weirder request from anyone. Usually it''s about safe smuggling routes, who can be bribed, what the going rate for a gram of cocaine is, that sort of thing."


    "Alalalalala, I can''t hear you! The baby-killer doesn''t live with a bunch of criminals!" Ruby yelled, hands clasped over her ears.


    "You''re not fooling anyone, midget."


    "Whatever. I won''t stay short forever. I drink milk."


    I raised an eyebrow. "Why are you looking at me like that? Wipe the smug off your face before I do it for you, brat. Are you proud that you''re taller than me or something?"


    "I''ve never been taller than anyone."


    "Seriously, how old are you?" Mel asked. "Both of you."


    "Fifteen!"


    "Guess," I said drolly.


    "He can''t be younger than us, Mel," Mil said, "You don''t get that good at cooking, or that strong, overnight."


    Melanie hummed in thought. "Twenty-four? Six at most. There''s a limit to babyface."


    "Seems about right. Like, we look young. You¡­ I don''t even know what you are, bun-bun."


    "Try a hundred twenty-two. I celebrated my hundredth anniversary with my wife six weeks ago and I was twenty-two when we married," I told them honestly.


    "Bullshit," came the collective response.


    I shrugged. "Believe what you want. Anyway, Ruby, have you made a draft of your weapon?"


    Ruby''s face lit up like a Christmas tree. She really was adorable, like a puppy if that puppy had a single-minded obsession towards all things sharp and explosive. "I''ve been meaning to, but I''m kind of stuck. I want to take this chance to increase the caliber of my baby, but a sniper rifle has a lot of delicate pieces that don''t stand up so well to being used as a melee weapon. I''m testing out different steels at the forge in Signal right now."


    I nodded, humoring the girl. During my time here, I noticed the oddity of this world''s weapon designs. For whatever reason, huntsmen felt the need to make damn near everything a gun. Knuckle dusters? Shotguns. Scythe? Sniper rifle. Club? Bazooka. Why? Because they all had the design sense of an eight year old and the engineering knowledge of a coke-addled redneck.


    Then again, a ladle that could also lob grenades did sound pretty neat¡­


    I shook my head and suppressed my inner eight year old. Reality must intrude sometime. Really, what did it say about this world that Melanie''s knife-heels were some of the more practical weapons I''ve seen? "You understand that a gun isn''t supposed to be swung like a club?"


    Ruby let out a dramatic gasp. "You take that back! My baby can be whatever she wants to be!"


    "But if you stopped trying to attach a scythe to the end of your muzzle, maybe you could upgrade the caliber without worrying about tolerance. Really, close or long range. Pick one."


    "A mother supports her daughter''s life choices."


    "This is more like eugenics and gene therapy, except if you tried to purposely make your child inbre-Oh, gods, see what you''ve done Ruby? You''ve made me sink into your metaphor."


    "Not a metaphor, baby-killer."


    I sighed. I reached into the expanded bag in my coat pocket and pulled out a metal ingot. It clattered onto the bar top, catching everyone''s eye with its pure, silver luster. "Here. I promised I''d help you reforge your weapon. This is lunar cold iron, one of the metals used and maintained by Baihu."


    "Who?"


    "My servants, the White Tiger of the West."


    "You have a servant?"


    "I have many servants. Doesn''t matter. Take the iron ore and make whatever you want. It should be enough for your scythe."


    "I have iron," she pouted. "It''s not really good for weapons on its own, you know."


    Junior pointed at the ingot. "Is no one going to point out that the bunny apparently carries raw iron in his breast pocket? Or that the pocket''s bigger on the inside somehow?"


    I gamely ignored my nominal boss. "It''s lunar cold iron. Why would I give you regular iron? Trust me, this thing is stupid-durable."


    Ruby took it in her hands and flipped it around a bit. "Ehh, fine. I''ll try smelting it first. But don''t think you''re off the hook, baby-killer!"


    "Can we please stop calling me baby-killer? It really sends the wrong message."


    "No."


    "Ugh, whatever. Just come back with a finished scythe. Then I''ll engrave it for you."


    Ruby gasped, scandalized. "My baby doesn''t need a tattoo!"


    "Are you serious?"


    "She''s not a-a delinquent or something!"


    "You know what dust-weaving is, right?"


    "That''s only for clothes."


    "Runes can be applied to weapons too," I explained patiently. "An alcoholic friend of mine taught me how."


    Junior sighed. "No? We''re just going to accept that the bunny does impossible things? Okay then¡­"


    Melanie placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I stopped questioning it. Life is easier when you stop trying to figure out how Tianyu''s everything works."


    "Totes," her sister chimed in. "And what do runes do?"


    I shrugged. I was a hobbyist at best but both Odin and I had a great deal of respect for masters of any art. He liked to watch me cook and was prone to highly informative if long-winded lectures on runes. From what I could gather, runes could do damn near everything assuming the caster was powerful and creative enough.


    But I''d be using dust, the crystals of elemental mana unique to Remnant. I''d probably be limited to whatever element Ruby chose, and more on the physical side, not the metaphysical "fire of courage" bullshit I was used to with Peach Blossom Alchemy. I supposed I could use that Authority even now, but I generally preferred to bless food and with my house the way it was, I wasn''t sure how effective it would be.


    "Runes can do a lot but it really depends on what kind of dust you want engraved into your weapon."


    "What? Why haven''t you engraved our weapons?"


    "Because you two are criminals."


    "B-But, since when do you care?"


    "Since always. Why do you think I haven''t taught you the Moon Bunny Combat Arts? Sure I''ve polished your forms a bit, but I won''t teach you all the cool shit I do unless the pair of you stop treating your body counts like the scoreboard of a video game."


    "You''re killers?" Ruby gasped. "You''re supposed to be bodyguards!"


    "We are," Melanie said defensively.


    "Yeah, we''re just enthusiastic about our jobs," her sister added.


    I clapped my hands. "Right. You two aren''t getting magic weapons until I''m confident you''ll be responsible with them. Ruby is getting a magic scythe because I think her silver eyes are cool and interesting things will happen if I stick with her."


    "That''s so unfair!"


    "Deal with it. Or become proper huntresses."


    "Hah! Good always prevails!" Ruby cheered.


    "Whatever, get out of here. I need to do the dishes," I grumbled.


    Author''s Note


    Have a random animal fact: Chimps and bonobos are considered separate species. One is notoriously brutal and aggressive, even chewing off eyes and testicles of their own tribemates. The other solves almost all conflict with copious amounts of sex and even trades fucks for food.


    There are physiological differences, but the main one seems to be ecological: The river that divides their territories (the Congo River) has made it so that bonobo territory is full of food and has few or no natural predators while chimp territory is much rougher.


    Despite being taxonomically considered two separate species, chimps and bonobos can breed and their offspring is fertile. The main thing that keeps the two populations distinct seems to be their reluctance or inability to cross the river, though to be fair, the Congo is the deepest river in the world.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 10

    <div>


    <div>


    Homeless Bunny 10


    I mixed up a negroni cocktail and slid it over to Roman Torchwick. Pompous asshole made me want to feed him his own hat, but he did have a solid taste in drinks. And hats. Fortuna would approve. It was a pity the man wore more eyeliner than the hyper-competent precog ever did.


    "Thanks, and you didn''t even shed in i-Oof!" He was cut off from his bitching by Melanie''s bladed heel jabbing down on the arch of his foot, making his aura flash brightly. At the same time, Neo elbowed him in the side, bending him over. He wheezed, "Why¡­"


    Neopolitan and the twins had a somewhat unique relationship. Before I came along, the three barely tolerated each other. Neo was dismissive of them while the twins thought of her as a bitter rival. Miltia told me the story one night when she had a bit too much to drink.


    Apparently, they''d all attended some shady school for assassins that doubled as a finishing school for girls. Back then, Neo, being a few years younger, got bullied for being mute by the twins. It was a bit hard to imagine the flirtatious, visually bombastic woman being shy, but she''d been quite the wallflower. Imagine their surprise when the same girl quickly overshadowed them under the partnership of Roman Torchwick. Now, Miltia admitted, with much gnashing of teeth, that the ice cream themed girl was much stronger than they were.


    Ever since Neo found out I could make ice cream, she became a regular sight at the bar. Any time anyone gave me shit for being a faunus, she made her displeasure known with a swift kick to the dick, probably harsher than I''d ever be for a mortal with too much lip. It was by far the fastest way to end your night at this club and wake up in the dumpster tomorrow. I suspected her presence was a big part of what drove the twins to take my training sessions seriously.


    Now, with me in the center, they''d struck up an uneasy alliance. Melanie glanced at her rival with a cautious glare. "Truce. In the name of ice cream."


    Neo nodded seriously before slapping Roman upside the head for good measure. A dainty handshake sealed the deal.


    "I get no respect around here," the "master thief" complained. One of these days, I''d have to introduce him to Alec. The two could compete to see who annoyed the other more.


    To be honest, I considered the fact that this was the "kingpin of Vale" to be a good sign of the effectiveness of the local law enforcement. Were I in their place, I too would leave the relatively harmless man in power.


    More than anything, there seemed to be a gentleman''s agreement between the criminal and lawful elements of the city. With the grimm being attracted to negative emotions, the criminals tried to keep things relatively bloodless for the most part and, in many cases, policed their own who went too far. Or, at the very least, they kept things out of the public eye.


    "Deeds, not words, Roman," I chided. "If you want respect, you earn it. With raspberry cheesecake ice cream and drizzled honey.."


    "Damn straight," the twins chorused, grabbing their bowls with relish. Neo''s only remained on the counter because she''d already taken it and replaced it with an illusion, all the better to bait out and punish would-be ice cream thieves.


    Our peace was disturbed when, with the flow of petals, Ruby Rose settled into an empty bar stool. She dumped my ingot of lunar cold iron onto the table with a pouty huff. "Here."


    I blinked in confusion. "What? You don''t like it? Do you have any idea how much this costs?"


    "Well¡­"


    "Didn''t you say you wanted something more durable so you could increase the caliber?"


    "I did¡­"


    "And?"


    She looked down with a heated blush and mumbled, too quiet for most to hear, "I couldn''t melt it¡­"


    I snorted in laughter. It made sense in hindsight. Lunar cold iron was a highly, magically durable metal. It was so impressive that the Four Heavenly Beasts used it as the primary metal in the alloy that made up their weapons. Chang''e made her satellites out of it when she took to copying the Chinese space program for funsies. In other words, it was a metal that would not be found lacking when compared to some of the most magically powerful objects in the Netherworld. If this ingot appeared in a mortal auction in my old world, magical families would beggar themselves to have it.


    But by the same token, such heavenly durability meant it was impossible to forge through mundane means. It wasn''t just heat that was the issue. It was the lack of mana to synchronize and mold the metal into its liquid form, mana that no one on Remnant knew how to properly manipulate.


    Forging it would have been a challenge for the greatest smiths in my world, those who worked directly under Luo Hao, Annie, and the like. Being able to present a weapon made of this metal would enshrine that mortal smith as among the best in his generation, a proof of mastery not dissimilar to the WGO''s triple platinum stars for chefs. Here, where knowledge of magic had faded into myth? I may as well have asked Ruby to mold a black hole into a hat.


    "Wow¡­ I really need to spend more time with mortals¡­" I muttered under my breath. How could I have forgotten something so obvious? "Alright, are there any forges nearby we can borrow? I can forge it if you give me the appropriate design."


    "You can?"


    "Of course I can."


    Miltia sighed, her spoon paused halfway to her dainty lips. "Let me get this straight, bun-bun. You have a metal that a professional forge at a huntsman prep school can''t melt."


    "Yes."


    "And you can just melt it whenever you want."


    "Yup."


    She sent her sister a longsuffering look. "One more for Tianyu''s Tianyu-ness?"


    "Sounds like it," Melanie said, shrugging ambivalently. "Just deal, sis. Tianyu doesn''t make sense."


    "I don''t know what I was expecting. Where did you get something like this anyway?"


    "The moon," I spoke honestly. "Baihu likes to dig them up once in a while."


    "Fine, it''s a secret. I get it."


    ''I wasn''t lying though?"


    "Sure, bun-bun."


    I rolled my eyes. One of these days, I''d have to take them to the Lunar Palace proper. They''d love Laura. They can commiserate over having the privilege (misfortune) of being my students. Or my first student would take out her repressed trauma on them and make them peel potatoes for a week straight. Either way, it promised to be amusing.


    Roman stared curiously at the ingot. "So¡­ A metal even huntsman-grade smiths can''t touch? How much would this be worth, do you think?"


    "Neo''s lifetime ice cream privileges," I deadpanned. "Neo, he touches that, shove your umbrella up his ass, won''t you?"


    The dessert-themed girl nodded so fast her head looked like a blur. Or she used her Semblance. Either way, Roman decided to find other marks. "Che, it''s worthless if I can''t make anything out of it anyway."


    Ruby tapped the ingot. "So¡­ You''ll help me make my baby?"


    "Sure, Ruby," I said, ruffling her hair. She batted at my hand in indignation. "Take me to a forge tomorrow evening. I can leave the kitchen to Jeremy."


    "Okay. You promised, baby-killer."


    "You know, the way you talk, this''ll mean we''re making a baby together," I teased.


    Her face burned an atomic red as the bar devolved into giggles. "That''s a lie!"


    "What? That you want to be my babymama?"


    "No!"


    "Yes."


    "No!"


    "Yes."


    "Aaahhhh!" she ran out of the club in a burst of rose petals.


    "Well, that''s one way to get rid of the goody two shoes," Melanie said. She leaned back, her bowl empty and tummy satisfied. "That was great, bun-bun."


    "You''re very welcome, Mel," I nodded, always happy to hear from a full customer.


    The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.


    Roman tossed a plastic card on the table. Black, with a magnetic strip along one side. I nodded and slid it into the register. Whatever else could be said about the asshat, he was also the type to grossly overpay for the sake of appearances.


    "I don''t know how you can stomach that stuff. Way too sweet, not like a dignified negroni," he huffed. "Come on, Neo, we''ve got work to do, heists to plan."


    "Come again, you two," I called. Maybe it was my century of having to be related to Alec, but the "master thief" didn''t get on my nerves nearly as much as I''d expected. I could appreciate a man who appreciated a great cocktail.


    X


    That was how I found myself awaiting one Ruby Rose outside an address she sent me. Malcolm''s Smithy was a shop catered towards huntsmen, one of the best in the city according to Junior. He was also a contact of one Taiyang Xiao Long, father of the idiot siblings. Ruby apparently got him to loan us his forge for the evening after standard business hours.


    "Let''s make a baby!" Ruby cried as she arrived in a torrent of rose petals.


    I reached out and snatched her out of the air, gripping her cheeks with one hand until she hung in the air by her face. "No. We are not making a baby. We are making a weapon. Stop trying to get me registered as a pedophile, you insolent brat."


    "Cweshen Woze ish mah babee," she moaned through squished cheeks. I let her flail around for a while longer before dropping her.


    "Come on, ya little menace."


    We strolled inside to find Malcolm waiting for us. If I didn''t know any better, I''d have thought he was one of Dvalin''s brood. The man was a dead ringer for a dwarf in every way. He was a good four inches shorter than me, with arms as thick as my head and a long, shaggy beard laden with soot.


    He also had the least impressed look on his face I''d seen in a long time. "So you''re Tai''s brat, eh?" he muttered gruffly. "How the hell did you break your weapon in four months?"


    "I didn''t!" Ruby cried. She pointed to me like I was the source of all the world''s evils. "He''s the one who murdered Crescent Rose!"


    I rolled my eyes. "And I''m making you a new scythe. Now come on, brat. Malcolm, right? Thank you for lending us your forge for the evening."


    "You know, it takes longer than an evening to forge a mechashift weapon. You''ll be here tomorrow too, I reckon. You two are just lucky I owe Tai a few favors."


    "Ehh, it won''t take long. I just need the plans from Ruby."


    "Hmph, I''ll be watching to make sure you two don''t blow up my forge."


    "Hey, I made Crescent Rose on my own," Ruby protested.


    "I learned from Dvalin and Odin. I''ll be fine," I added.


    "I''ll be the judge of that. Come on," Malcolm said gruffly.


    He took us into a side room, past a storage area with various ingots of steel, coal, and quenching oil. I nodded with approval. The man kept a clean smithy, a challenge in itself considering the profession. He seemed like a man dedicated to his craft, someone I could respect.


    He began putting fuel into the fire and handed me a hammer. "Well, lad? Show me what you can do."


    I nodded and removed the lunar cold iron from my pocket. I took the plans from Ruby and looked them over.


    All told, Crescent Rose Mk. II looked remarkably like the original. It had a three-sectioned foldout blade, two claws on the opposite side of the head that I assumed doubled as sights when using her rifle, and a shaft that doubled as a sniper rifle, scope and all.


    She''d outlined on one page all the differences this model would have compared to the first. To start, the shaft was a little bit thicker to accommodate a higher caliber. The magazine was also a little bit longer as a consequence. There was also a secondary magazine that was smaller than the first and housed only four rounds. A toggle mechanism had been added next to the trigger so she could switch between her regular fare and specialized bullets, which she described as "boom babies."


    I stared at the design and took a deep breath. The more I saw of her weapon, the more ridiculous it seemed. I had to try.


    "Ruby¡­ I know you love your weapon, but have you considered¡­ making more adjustments?" I asked gently.


    She stared at me suspiciously. "Like what? My baby needs to be a rifle, my entire fighting style is based on it."


    "Right, you use its recoil to augment your Semblance. Okay, show me how you fire your weapon."


    "There are two ways actually," she chirped happily. She pointed to a diagram of Crescent Rose in which the shaft was partially extended while the blade remained folded inward. "I can fire her like this and use the scope like a normal rifle. Or, I can unfold my baby all the way and plant her into the ground."


    "So¡­ If the shaft is as long as you are, and the butt is bladed so you can''t brace it against your shoulder, how do you use the rifle scope when your weapon''s unfolded all the way? Do you just kneel awkwardly, sling the shaft under your arm, and lean into the shaft to peek through the scope?"


    "Well¡­ I don''t¡­?"


    "Okay, let''s try this again. How far is the longest distance you''ve successfully shot at?"


    "Umm¡­ I don''t really know¡­"


    "From your fighting style, less than a hundred yards, right? You''re pretty fast, but you still need to be relatively close if you want to back up your squad as a huntress, yes?"


    "Yeah? But the scope looks so cool!" she pouted. Had to admit, it was kinda cute, in a "child who didn''t want to give up her stuffed animal" sorta way.


    "You get my point, right? The scope is only useful sometimes, and most huntsman combat isn''t going to require it. I think you should make it a detachable module instead of something folded into your rifle. You can carry it in a pouch next to your spare magazines and clip it on when you need it."


    "What if I need it really quickly?"


    "It shouldn''t take you more than three seconds to clip on a scope if we make the attachments right. And if you, someone with a speed Semblance, can''t spare three seconds, that''s not the time for a scope."


    "Fiinnneeee¡­"


    I nodded happily. I was a little surprised I''d gotten through to her on even something like this. "Don''t worry, it''s not like Crescent Rose is losing any functionality. If anything, it''s better this way since you can block with the shaft and swing it around like a melee weapon without potentially damaging the scope''s glass."


    "Okay, what else¡­?"


    "Is there any way to not have the magazine get in the way when you fight? Like, don''t you sometimes slide your hand along the shaft and catch your finger against it on accident?"


    "I used to when Uncle Qrow first started training me," she admitted, "but I like it! I want everyone to be able to tell that my baby is also a gun!"


    Seeing that I wouldn''t get anywhere on that front, I decided to let her have the impractical weapon. Truly, a design like this could only have come from someone like Ruby. Scythes, like axes, tended to have handles that sloped gently to be more ergonomic, so as to minimize the jarring recoil from striking something with a lot of force. Unfortunately, a rifle barrel obviously couldn''t be sloped. It wasn''t the worst thing in the world, but it suggested to me that Ruby was more interested in the rule of cool than having a perfectly optimal weapon. If I presented something like this to Dvalin, he''d skin me alive.


    "Fine, magazine, grip, and all the other basics of a rifle need to stay. But why is the sight a claw? And why is it facing towards you? If you ever need to hit something with a backswing, wouldn''t having something that sticks straighter up like the claw of a hammer be better?"


    "True¡­ It does get a bit hard to aim through¡­ Okay, how about this?" She scribbled something into the blueprint until the blades of the claw were angled the same as the main scythe. "This way, if I swing backwards, my baby can follow the same arc."


    "That sounds fine. Are we good to start forging now?"


    "Y-Yeah. Can you really make all this in one evening?"


    I nodded. I flared the wu xing seal, mostly for show, and let the character for "fire" glow hot. I then stuck my hand into the forge that Malcolm prepared, ignoring their gasp of surprise. "Relax. I''ve done this before."


    Inside the furnace, so the room wouldn''t get too unbearably hot for my spectators, I channeled more qi into the flame until the fire started to glow a worrying white. Taking the lunar cold iron, I began to stretch it like taffy. The ingot was already pure so there was no need to fold it to remove impurities, but I did it a few times anyway so I could feed mana into it and make it more malleable.


    I removed the glowing ingot but did not place it onto the anvil. I couldn''t, or the cast iron would deform from the heat. Instead, I held it in my hands and began to knead it like pastry dough. Dvalin used to make fun of me, saying a chef would always be a chef, even in the forge.


    He wasn''t wrong.


    Piece by piece, I molded it all into shape. It was as much my mana as my memory and artisanship. The magic remembered what I wanted. I was the moon, and so was this lunar cold iron. As the Jade Rabbit, my will was its reality. Occasionally, I''d take a finished piece and drop the heat rapidly, effectively doing the same thing as if I''d quenched it in oil manually.


    The most challenging part of it all was fitting the glass lenses into the new scope.


    I was cheating. Dvalin would probably smack me with his hammer and tell me to try this bullshit on something that wasn''t of the moon. Everything I just did was an insult to smiths everywhere who''d spent their entire lifetime mastering their craft, but that was fine. I never claimed to be a master smith, merely a hobbyist.


    A single hour later, I presented Ruby with her new weapon. "Here you are, Crescent Rose Mk. II. Don''t worry, it''s cooled already."


    Malcolm stared at me as if he''d seen a ghost. Or Dvalin himself. "What¡­ How in Brothers'' name did you¡­"


    "Don''t stress, Malcolm. Seriously, just think of me as a freak of nature and move on."


    "THAT WAS SO COOL!" Ruby squealed. She grabbed her new weapon, still an unpainted silvery-gray, and tested out its mechashift functions. "Where did you learn to do that?"


    "I told you, I cook for people and they sometimes offer me something other than money to pay their tabs. One of them happens to be a very good smith."


    "That wasn''t smithing, boy," Malcolm grumbled. "I don''t know what that was, but that wasn''t smithing."


    "I know. It drives Dvalin insane too, says I''m a disgrace to smiths everywhere. It''s fine; I''m a chef. Fucker likes to cook steak on a toasty anvil just to piss me off too so we''re even."


    In the end, the two of us left a still flabbergasted Malcolm after I "forged" a few magazines for Ruby. The little reaper skipped happily along as she hummed to herself, Crescent Rose swinging through the air.


    I reached out and caught the blade between two fingers. "Put it away, Ruby. Don''t swing it while walking down the sidewalk; you look like a serial killer."


    She pouted but folded it up and slotted it in a holster at the small of her back. "Fine¡­ So¡­ Are you going to go home now?"


    "Hmm¡­ I suppose I could. It''s only nine now but I did give Jeremy the kitchen tonight¡­ Why? Did you have somewhere else you wanted to be?"


    "We need to paint my baby! And I could use more dust rounds! Oh, and how does engraving work?"


    "Didn''t you say you didn''t want your ''baby'' to get tattoos?" I teased.


    "That was before you proved you knew what you were talking about."


    "This brat¡­"


    "So?"


    "Fine, but we need some dust. Let''s go get that first since you can paint without me."


    "Okay, come on! I know a place that opens late!"


    She regaled me with different combinations of dust enchantments she''d want. In the end, we settled for gravity to make her weapon heavier or lighter, and wind to give her a decent array of options at all ranges.


    Author''s Note


    Fantasy smiths are bullshit. But if you have absurd heat resistance and elemental mastery, why bother with any of the regular bells and whistles?


    I considered completely revamping Crescent Rose, but I realized it''d be very much against Ruby''s personality to make sweeping changes to her "baby." At this stage in canon, I see her as a bit of a showoff, someone who''s been raised on tales of heroics and wants the flashy weapon, the cool combos, and the heroic entrances. She''s not really thinking about the "optimal" weapon, more just the thing that''d make her look cool while being (sorta) viable. Even the enchantments are going to be fairly basic as far as magic weapons go.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 11

    Homeless Bunny 11


    Ruby dragged me out to a place called From Dust Til Dawn, a quaint, little store that sold dust to huntsmen in various grades. The store had two, large windows that gave passersby a good look at its wares and a near selection that ranged from self-serve powder dispensaries that charged by the weight in one wall to fist-sized dust crystals behind glass exhibits that doubled as the counter. Some of the dust was also pre-shaped into specific cartridge sizes for easy use.


    Most of all, what struck me was the mana. I could feel it flow through the store, the presence of magic sealed in each crystal grain calling to me. It was at once chaotic and beautiful, each element playing a different song to my sensitive ears.


    I felt Ruby take me by the hand and bodily drag me into the store. "Come on, Tianyu! Let''s get our baby some ink!"


    I rolled my eyes and tried to suppress a smile. Kid was too cute, honestly. "You realize how stupid that sounds, right?"


    "Whatever. Crescent Rose needs dust! Ooh! And they have gravity! And wind!"


    "They do indeed. Question is, do you have money?"


    "Uhh¡­ Yes¡­?"


    "Enough for two high-end crystals? Because higher purity will naturally make for a better product."


    "Umm¡­" She glanced at the exhibit and visibly winced. "Ooh¡­ D-Does it have to be top grade dust?"


    I chuckled and handed the shopkeep my card. "It''s fine. You owe me money, got it?"


    "I-I can''t."


    "Didn''t you want the best for ''your baby?''"


    "Our baby. We made her together."


    "Still creepy. And seriously, it''s fine. I refuse to engrave your silly sniper-scythe with anything less than the best of the best," I said, explaining the context so the shopkeeper would stop staring at us like we were teen parents.


    "Are you sure? I-I''ll pay you back. Promise!"


    "Sure, whatever you say, kid."


    It really didn''t matter. Junior did pay me after all. I wasn''t raking in millions or anything, but considering I lived at the club and all my standard of living concerns were provided for, I didn''t mind. If anything, I had a lot more lien than I knew what to do with.


    Moreover, the newly reforged Crescent Rose Mk. II was worth incomparably more than anything else in this world. I could quite literally give her a New York skyscraper and that kind of cash would still be considered the cherry on top compared to a weapon of lunar cold iron. Ask a mage from earth and they''d consider Ruby among the wealthiest people on the planet simply for having that weapon.


    I nodded gratefully to the shopkeep, an elderly, balding man with gray hair who faintly smelled of ramen, and stashed my two dust crystals. I was ready to head home, but Ruby pulled me aside to a magazine rack.


    "Ooh! Tianyu, look! The latest edition of Lock & Load came out!"


    "Ruby, I have no idea what that is."


    "It''s the best magazine for guns! You should check it out!" she exclaimed excitably.


    "I don''t have a gun so I don''t care about the magazine," I said patiently. I then spied something else. "Now, Cuisine Connoisseur sounds like a magazine I''d be interested in."


    "Do you think about anything other than cooking?"


    "Do you think about anything other than guns?"


    "Of course not, they''re super important for a huntress. Actually, you should get a gun."


    "Ruby, I''m faster than your sniper rifle."


    "Nu-uh. Even I''m not that fast."


    I sighed and remembered that I didn''t actually do any moving while Ruby watched. She tried to hit me with her scythe and I just kinda slapped her around for a bit, didn''t take a step. "Ruby, if you were to fire your bullet at the streetlight outside, I''d be able to run outside, catch the bullet, and put it back in your hand before the bullet could crack the glass."


    "Hah, yeah, right. You''re strong, but no one''s that fast."


    "Sure, whatever."


    We let the conversation die as we went about reading our respective magazines. Ruby pulled out a set of headphones, emblazoned with her personal crest, and started listening to some rock-pop thing I vaguely remembered hearing on the radio. I was happy with how the evening turned out. Jeremy got his kitchen. I got to clear my debt. Ruby got a kickass weapon. Everyone won tonight.


    I must have spoken too soon because I heard a familiar pompous ass step onto the street. Civilians cleared the way as quickly as they were able, though how they could take Roman Torwick of all people seriously, I had no clue. Maybe I really was losing touch with the common man. Was¡­ Was Torchwick supposed to be scary to normies?


    What really got my attention were the half dozen Xiong Family grunts following behind him. They swaggered down the street like they expected rent money from all involved, which now that I thought about it, might be true.


    The men made a beeline towards this store, passing several other stores that were closed for the night, and thus would be easier marks if they were out for cash. That made their objective clear: dust. What Roman wanted with this didn''t interest me as much as why Junior agreed to lend him men.


    ''At least the twins aren''t involved in this shit,'' I thought. ''If they were, I''d have to provide them with more guidance than usual¡­''


    I could have led Ruby out of the store, made things easy for them, but¡­ upon reflection, I decided to pull a bit of a prank on the gang members. And sometimes, doing nothing was the prank.


    X


    "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a dust shop open this late?" I heard Roman''s voice behind me. Next to him, one of Xiong''s grunts pulled a gun on the shopkeep. I made a note to discipline him later.


    I waited and sure enough, one of the mooks came our way. Ruby heard nothing, distracted with the latest silencer model from Atlas.


    "Put your hands where I can see them?" the mook called.


    Slowly, I folded my magazine and turned around with a beatific smile on my face. My ears fell, lying flat against my scalp in a sign no one could misinterpret. "Are you¡­ robbing me?"


    I cackled inside as the poor man went deathly pale. He may or may not have pissed himself a little. "Uh¡­ I¡­ No¡­?"


    I coughed insistently. If they wanted to rob a joint, I expected them to show a little commitment, damn it. Besides, I figured if I "fought off" a gang, no matter how incompetent they were, I could clear my name. I couldn''t possibly be White Fang then, right? Just a humble chef doing his civic duty.


    My eyes narrowed in unspoken threat. I could quite literally hear the cold sweat trickle down his back. "I said, are you robbing me?"


    "Yes?"


    "Are you asking me or telling me?"


    "Telling you?" He coughed awkwardly, red machete swinging around like a balloon animal. "Telling you."


    Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.


    I nudged Ruby with my foot. She turned around, saw the suited man with a machete, and looked at me with betrayal.


    I rolled my eyes. Just because I lived at the club didn''t mean I had anything to do with these idiots!


    Slowly, in the most pained deadpan I could manage, I said, "Aah¡­ I, a helpless, adorably fluffy, and unimaginably talented chef, is being robbed at knifepoint by a vicious gangster¡­ Won''t a brave, vertically challenged huntress save the day?"


    Ruby blinked. She looked around the shop, saw Roman rifle through more dust, and finally connected the dots. "Ohhh¡­ Haiyaa!"


    Ruby launched the poor mook out the window with a spinning dropkick. The girl had a surprising amount of power in her lithe frame, maybe from swinging around a sniper-scythe.


    She leapt after him, pulling Crescent Rose from her back with the hiss of mechashift joints. It unfolded in gleaming silver that caught the shattered moonlight above. The lunar cold iron seemed to react to the moonlight, casting an eerie aura of power around the young woman.


    Roman and the rest of the grunts turned at the noise.


    I held out my palms in surrender. "Hit me and you can find someone else to make your cocktails," I snarked.


    Roman took one look at me and dismissed me as a non-factor. He gestured to the men on loan. "Okay¡­ Get her."


    It was a short fight. They swung their machetes like idiots, with zero thought to form or technique or even basic common sense. I found one trying to wield it in a reverse grip like a praying mantis, only for Ruby to promptly feed him his teeth with a backswing that shattered his aura.


    Honestly, I was a little ashamed to be associated with these guys. I wasn''t part of the gang or anything, but the fact that Ruby thought I was involved in this stupidity stung a little. Had I known I''d be lumped in with them, I might have even taught them a thing or two so they wouldn''t be so fucking embarrassing to watch.


    "You were worth every cent, truly you were," Roman grumbled under his breath as the last of them was knocked out cold and flung at his feet.


    That was a relief to hear; it meant Junior loaned him a few men for money, not for a partnership or anything. Mercenary work wasn''t the cleanest occupation out there, but I could respect the hustle. I''d have to talk to him about taking jobs from more reputable sources however.


    Roman held out his cane like a gun and depressed a button on one side. The bottom opened up and stood straight, becoming a sight he could aim through. Then, with the press of a trigger, an explosive round of some sort was launched from the cane¡­ because of course the fucking cane was also a gun¡­


    I didn''t bother moving even now. Ruby was plenty fast enough to dodge such a slow-moving round. And sure enough, the little reaper leapt through the air, needlessly pirouetting like a ballerina. At least her cape made it look kinda neat?


    Roman was already halfway up a fire escape. Ruby caught up with a single bullet from Crescent Rose, using it and her Semblance like a demented pogo stick to boost herself up several stories.


    Roman said some quippy one-liner, blew up some dust, and a blonde librarian who either really liked horseback riding or had some suggestive interests showed up. Roman got into an aircraft and was about to flee, leaving Xiong''s men lying around the torn up street.


    Seeing how they''d both forgotten about me, I was about to head back home when I felt it: mana.


    It wasn''t Ruby; it felt too different from her petrifying gaze thing to be her power going nuts again. It felt like fire, but with different elements swirling just beneath the surface. This world was still very new to me, but after weeks of study, I could at least consider myself well-versed on local legends and elemental magics of this caliber were associated with just one legend I knew of: the Maidens.


    I blurred onto the rooftop.


    "Tianyu!" Ruby cried in surprise.


    "Stand back! This is no place for students!" the blonde yelled. A purple seal of some kind glowed in the air, not unlike my own. I felt her aura sink into the molten debris around her, shaping it into a lance she launched at the aircraft.


    The magic came from the pretty woman in red. Beneath the shadow of the darkened aircraft, I could see a woman with long, wavy, raven locks and eyes of liquid gold. She had a confident smirk on her face and wore clothes embroidered with dust.


    She brought her hands together and a burst of flame exploded out from her. The blast scattered the librarian''s lance while leaving the debris unharmed.


    I promptly ignored the librarian as she squawked out a warning behind me. Skipping into the air, I landed inside the aircraft. "What''s up, doc?" I asked with a cheeky grin.


    "How the hell did you get here?"


    "Not important. You, fire-lady, what''s with the magic?" The woman in red didn''t reply. Instead, she shot me with a concentrated blast of flame that would have launched me clean out of the aircraft had not the mana simply fizzled out as it touched me. "Rude. Seriously, are you a Maiden?"


    "Who are you?"


    "I''m a chef. And I''ve been looking for the Maidens. Do you mind if we have a little chat?"


    Another burst of flame washed over me, doing fuck-all. Her eyes widened in surprise and a little worry now. Seeing how magic wasn''t cutting it, she closed with me in melee, launching a high kick towards my face.


    I let it connect. She was good. Not Yinghua good, but good enough that I''d seriously consider introducing her to the Holy Cult of Five Mountains as a junior acolyte were we on earth. Still, Luo Hao hit me harder than this when we were messing around.


    Nonplussed, I continued to ask her questions conversationally. "Really, I just want to chat. Do you know who gave you your powers? The legends say a great wizard blessed four girls, but who''s the wizard? Is he dead? If so, where is his grave? Are you the original Maiden or is there some kind of inheritance ritual I should know about?"


    "Get us out of here," the woman spat at Roman. She then drew a pair of knives made of obsidian glass. No, there was some dust-based chemical there too, probably why it could change shape. She lunged towards me, immediately going for the throat.


    I didn''t want to ruin my clothes, shopping was a pain when people were dicks to faunus and giving the twins carte blanche to use me as a dress-up doll sounded awful, so I tanked the attacks with my face.


    "Look, if I let you keep stabbing me, can you please answer my questions?" I asked placatingly.


    "You''re fucking with me," Roman groaned. "What the hell are you, kid?"


    "A chef."


    "Cinder, we''re clear."


    "You know this faunus?" the woman called Cinder growled.


    "Xiong Family''s new chef. Really good cook."


    I gasped, affronted. "Excuse me? I''m the best chef."


    "For the love of¡­ Why are you here?"


    "Didn''t you hear me? I''m just here to ask her about the Maidens!"


    "What Maidens?"


    "You know, the legend about a wizard giving magic to four girls. I''m still trying to figure out the rest but I''m like ninety percent sure your friend''s one of them."


    "You can''t live," Cinder whispered. "I''m sorry, Roman, it seems you now know too much. I didn''t expect our partnership to end so soon, but needs must."


    I rolled my eyes. "Seriously? What is it with you and all this melodrama? I come to ask some questions and you try to murder me. I tell him a neat little legend and you want to murder him too. Anyone ever told you that you can''t solve your problems with violence?" I paused. "Unless you''re Doni. Or Voban. Or Luo Hao. Okay, maybe you can, but you''re nowhere near strong enough to do that."


    She snarled and lashed out in a blur of strikes that I stopped with my trusty spoon. "What are you?"


    "I told you already! A chef! Now answer my questions, woman!"


    "I have nothing to say to you!"


    She let out a shout of exertion and I felt her mana spike. A ball of fire condensed in her hand with enough magic to blow up a city block. I frowned. Her legs tensed and I knew she''d try to dive down in the blast, using it as a smokescreen to flee.


    I couldn''t have that. I didn''t want to make too much of a scene, so I reached out and plucked it from her hand before stuffing the fireball in my mouth. It tingled a bit going down, but I wasn''t terribly worried about potentially bypassing my protections. Even if it was strong enough, the Reaper of Harvests Authority would protect me from anything I willingly consumed, converting it all into mana for my use.


    "You ate it!"


    "Yeah? So?" I yelled back.


    "What the hell are you?" Cinder screamed, panicked.


    Instead of answering, I lashed out with a punch that knocked her out cold. She clearly wasn''t in the right headspace to talk. I wrapped an arm around her waist as she slumped to the floor. Turning, I looked back at Roman with a glower.


    "If I turn you in, Neo''s going to break you out within the day, isn''t she?" I asked. It wasn''t lost on me that the midget wasn''t around. She''d hear about his arrest within a few hours and bust him out on her own, and that was if she didn''t need to buy the location of his holding cell from Junior first.


    "Uh¡­ I''m not sure what the right answer here is¡­ buddy ol'' pal¡­"


    "You called me an animal and told me not to shed in your drink. Last night."


    "Ahahahaha¡­ What''s a little ribbing between friends, eh?"


    "I don''t know, that was very hurtful, you know. It''s not like I shed any more than a normal person."


    "Ahahaha¡­ I blame the alcohol?"


    "Turn this plane around. You''re alive because you can appreciate a good cocktail."


    "Huh, I''m never going to that AA meeting," he mumbled.


    Despite his bitching, the airship reversed course and I soon found myself landing back on the rooftop, the one called Cinder slung over my shoulder. Roman followed after me. He turned and eyed the controls contemplatively, but a glare from me kept him trudging along.


    "Yo, Ruby," I greeted.


    "Tianyu! How? What happened?"


    I jostled the woman on my shoulder. "She''s like you. She''s got magic powers, but with elements instead of magic eyes. I''m pretty sure she''s a Maiden. Oh, and Roman''s turning himself in. We had a heartfelt chat and everything."


    The librarian stiffened. "How did you know that? Who are you?"


    "Why does everyone keep asking me that? I''m a chef."


    "Is this a joke to you?"


    "And here we go again. Look, I''m going to insist I''m a chef. You''re not going to believe me. Can we skip this song and dance and get around to answering my questions for a change?"


    She squawked something incoherently. Her face turned an interesting shade of red before she sighed and said something about me being Ozpin''s problem. "Okay, fine. I can¡­ arrange for answers¡­ if you would come with us?"


    "Thank you, that''s literally all I want from you. Sure as hell isn''t an S&M sesh."


    "And if you would relinquish the criminals into my custody?"


    I shrugged. She clearly knew what a Maiden was; I could probably trust her to hang onto Cinder. I also felt confident in my ability to find her later now that I knew what Cinder''s magic felt like. "Fine, go ahead."


    Author''s Note


    Remember, Roman and Neo haven''t actually seen Tianyu fight. They''ve seen him cook with mad knife skillz ?, but they weren''t around for Yang''s fuckup, which means things proceeded as canon with Roman, Neo, and Cinder.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 12

    Homeless Bunny 12


    Roman and the Maiden were taken by the blonde, S&M librarian, presumably to be processed into the local justice system somehow. I didn''t care; it really wasn''t my business how Vale handled their criminals.


    Ruby and I were led to the local police office, where we were crammed in a small interrogation room and told to sit still. She looked around nervously, fidgeting with her weapon.


    "Stop squirming, Ruby. We''re not in any trouble," I reassured her.


    "Yes we are! What if we get arrested? What if I get expelled from Signal? Do you know who that was? That was Glynda Goodwitch! The vice headmistress of Beacon!" she rambled. It was getting a little annoying so I reached over and gently clamped her mouth shut. She still kept talking. "Mmmph! Mmphmmnn!"


    Finally, after several seconds of incoherent mumbling, she quieted down. "Are you done?" I asked with an unimpressed stare.


    "Yes? Oh, Brothers, we''re in so much trouble¡­"


    "We''re not. For starters, if you were in trouble, they would have taken your weapon, unless Vale is full of idiots and they don''t disarm potential criminals. Well?"


    "My baby¡­"


    "Second, you were stopping a robbery. The shopkeeper is witness. Why would you be in trouble?"


    "Y-Yeah. Yeah! I stopped a robbery! I mean¡­ Professor Goodwitch showed up and you were the one who caught the bullhead¡­ But I helped!" she cheered. I really wasn''t sure if she was bipolar or just naturally excitable anymore.


    "Sure, kid. You helped. Now settle down. I''m sure they''re waiting for whoever Ozpin is. The blonde said I''m his problem or something."


    "You don''t know who Professor Ozpin is?"


    "Why would I know that? I assume he''s some hunter? Or maybe a professor of anthropology who studied the Maidens?"


    "But he''s Professor Ozpin!"


    "Again, no idea."


    "He''s the headmaster of Beacon!" she gasped, arms flailing wildly. She looked like a child who''d caught a fish "thiisss biiggg!"


    Still, that did sound important. And if mentioning the Maidens made me his problem, that also meant he was the foremost expert on them, or what passed for expert around here. From our brief exchange on the airship, I could tell that the woman, Cinder, hadn''t told Roman about being a Maiden either. That suggested that their existence was supposed to be a secret. This jived with my own research so far. If they were public knowledge, their deeds would be in history textbooks, not folklore anthologies.


    Question was, why? Why did a Maiden suddenly feel the need to turn to a life of crime? Why risk exposing herself this way? And why steal dust when her magic could easily replicate the effect?


    I dismissed my ponderings. It could be as simple as her and Roman bumping uglies and her deciding to do him a favor. Or, there could be something more in the background, something that caused one of the four defenders of humanity to abandon it all. There was no use wondering until I spoke with Cinder again.


    The door creaked open, admitting the same blonde from earlier and a man in an olive-green suit who wore sunglasses indoors. He had silver hair and dull brown eyes and wore a green scarf with a silver cross clasp.


    But more than anything about his appearance, I felt his mana. He was the first I''d met in this world to have fully developed magic, and not the limited pathways of superheroes in my world or the haphazard, instinctive power that was the Semblances used by huntsmen here.


    He tried to keep his face blank, and did an admirable job of it, but I could tell by how tightly he held his cane that he knew what I was. Or, he could at least feel the absurd amounts of mana I was giving off. To him, I must have felt like a supernova.


    To me, he felt not unlike a great knight of one of the European mage orders, kind of like Erica Blandelli of the Copper Cross. Or the Bronze Cross? Copper Black Cross?


    Whatever, brat was mouthy and annoying. Luo Hao punted her into the sea and banned her order from our territories after she tried to start a harem for me¡­ or something¡­ Even decades later, I wasn''t clear on what she was trying to achieve.


    I motioned to the seat across from us. "You must be Ozpin. Honestly, I shouldn''t be surprised the only mage I''ve met so far is also the Beacon headmaster. Please, take a seat."


    Ozpin handed his cane to Goodwitch and pulled up a chair. He studied me, outwardly calm but with his heart hammering in his chest. Finally, he took a deep breath and said, "You''re magic."


    "I am, and so are you."


    "How?"


    "I murdered a bunnygirl and mom thought it was funny."


    "Why are you in Vale?"


    "Some bastard broke my house so I''m homeless for the moment. I''m trying to look for him so I can rip his leg off and club him to death with it."


    "I''m sorry to hear that¡­"


    "Thanks, no one ever believes me when I say that even though I''ve been entirely honest the whole time," I said sincerely.


    "You¡­ People like you don''t crop up without reason."


    "That we do not. So, how about you answer some of my questions?"


    "I¡­ I''m sure we can come to an agreement. However, first, what is your name?"


    "Oh, sorry, I guess I should have started with that. I am Tianyu Yue, Jade Rabbit, Divine Chef, Sovereign of the Lunar Palace, Master of the Fluffles, and currently a homeless bunny," I said with a polite bow. Many of my siblings would have made demands, but it wasn''t in my nature to throw my weight around outside the kitchen.


    "I see¡­ It''s nice to meet you, young man. I am Professor Ozpin, the headmaster at Beacon Academy, and as you''ve gathered, a wizard of some modest skill."


    He''d been rubbing me the wrong way, not in anything he said, but the way his mana pooled inside him. If his mana reserves were a pot of soup, it looked as if someone had ladled out the majority, leaving behind the dregs. Those dregs had been left to stagnate, a poor imitation of what he must have once been.


    Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.


    Yet, even from those dregs, I could taste a complex blend of flavors. Fire, lightning, wind, water, earth, wood¡­ It seemed as if he had once possessed all the naturally occurring elements, maybe even more.


    "Are¡­ Are you a wizard or the wizard?" I asked him curiously. I''d hoped the wizard who had made the Maidens so many millennia ago would still be around and powerful, but the man who stood before me was less than even Cinder. "Or are you his descendant?"


    "Of a sort," he said finally. "You said you were looking for the man who destroyed your house, do you know who he is?"


    "The God of Darkness. I was up there a while back and felt the divine mana. The darkness affinity is kinda hard to miss, you know? Know where I can find him?"


    He stilled. He paled. I could hear the cold sweat trickle down the back of his neck. Beside us, Ruby and Goodwitch watched us, not a clue as to the subtext. I knew then that he knew something. Better, he knew that I knew that he knew something.


    I allowed a wide grin to break on my face and waited for him to speak.


    "He¡­ The gods abandoned humanity," he said finally.


    "But you know how to call them back."


    "This was many thousands of years ago," he tried, "Surely we can let bygones be bygones?"


    "Nope. The moon is my house. And it is now in shards. Tell me, Ozpin, how do I call the gods? Or really, just the one. I''m not interested in the glowstick."


    "I¡­"


    "Yes?"


    "The method will destroy the world."


    It took a while, but I finally coaxed the full story from the wizard''s descendant. Apparently, there were four Relics, of Creation, Destruction, Knowledge, and Choice. These were all scattered around the globe and could act as a beacon that would bring the gods back if they were ever brought together.


    However, the gods apparently did not leave on good terms. They declared that when they returned, they would judge humanity. If humans could live in peace and harmony, the gods would restore magic to the world. If humans were their naturally conflict-prone selves, they would destroy the world altogether.


    I was starting to understand why this world was called "Remnant" now.


    I sighed. That left me in quite the pickle. I doubted he''d help me find the Relics, if he even knew where they were. I could try to beat the information out of him, but that''d cause a lot of issues for Vale. It wasn''t lost on me how important his job was; he was the headmaster of the primary institution responsible for the security of the kingdom. Losing him would probably have lots of cascading effects I couldn''t foresee.


    I wasn''t quite that selfish.


    More, he seemed to truly believe that the gods would arrive together, and that they''d destroy the world if summoned. With that kind of consequence, even if I was willing to torture him to death, he wouldn''t tell me shit.


    And even if he thought I could in fact fight a god and win, I totally could, he''d naturally be leery about calling two of them. Not to mention, he knew such a battle wouldn''t be without danger to the world as it was.


    I slumped and thumped my head against the interrogation room table. It looked like collecting the Relics was something I''d have to do on my own. Or I could give up on revenge and just¡­ wait for the moon to fix itself¡­


    "Well what am I supposed to do now? I had two leads, Ruby''s magic eyes and the Maidens and now both are duds."


    The room was silent, the two adults letting me wallow in my misery. Ruby reached over and pet my ears. She wasn''t bad, a bit amateurish, but she clearly had practice in the sacred art of ear scritches. Maybe she had a pet? Or a faunus boyfriend?


    "There, there¡­"


    I turned a little so I could raise an eyebrow at her. "Do I look like a child to you?"


    "Umm¡­"


    "Ugh, don''t answer that. It''s fine. The moon will repair itself gradually. I''ll just have to wait. And maybe hunt down the Relics on my own."


    "You could¡­ be a huntsman¡­?" Ruby proposed gingerly. "I mean, hear me out. You''re super strong. And you can save so many people. And, and, it''s not like you have anything else to do, right? Maybe you''ll hear about the Relics as you work?"


    "I like being a chef though."


    "But you need information. You said it yourself; you''re not going to find any leads here."


    "Hmm¡­ I doubt they''ll just let me register as a huntsman," I said. "Hell, I''m pretty sure half those idiots outside think I''m a terrorist still."


    "Not anymore," Ozpin said dryly. "That much, I cleared up. Miss Rose does bring up an interesting idea. I had intended to invite Miss Rose to Beacon."


    "Isn''t she a bit young?"


    "I believe in her."


    "R-Really?" Ruby gasped. "Me? Beacon?"


    "That''s what I said."


    "YES! Tianyu! I''m going to Beacon!"


    "I heard," I drawled. "And I suspect he wants me to attend as well."


    "I do," Ozpin said. "You require the right educational background to be a huntsman. And though you are certainly strong enough to not require training, being a Beacon graduate will open doors that might otherwise be closed."


    I heard what he was really saying: He could open doors for me. Information was everything. No matter how strong I was, it wasn''t like I planned to raze every city to the ground until someone gave me the Relics. Beacon, being one of the four great huntsman academies, was probably like Princeton in my world, just being a student at this school would force people to treat me with some respect.


    Legitimacy.


    I needed that.


    It wasn''t as though I had anything against being a huntsman either. Despite my passion, all Campione were creatures of conflict. No matter how selfish we might individually seem, we were first and foremost protectors who stood against gods. Even Voban and Alec, douchebags that they were, stood with us when we faced the King of the End. When push came to shove, we were shields of man.


    Next to me, Ruby stared at me with puppy eyes. She was dangerously good at that.


    Faster than she could see, my finger lashed out to flick her nose.


    "Ow!"


    "You don''t have to give me that look, Ruby. I was going to say yes anyway." I turned and leveled Ozpin with a solemn stare. "I do however have conditions."


    "Name them," he said.


    "I want kitchen access. Food is life. Cooking is art. Cuisine is history. I won''t abandon my art just to play student at your school."


    "Done. The dorms have kitchens. You can also use the cafeteria at your leisure."


    "I want to choose my teammates." I''d heard hunters operated in teams of four.


    "You have people in mind?"


    "Two. The twins at the club I work at. I''m teaching them anyway so they may as well come with me to Beacon. If I''m going to school again, I refuse to suffer alone. Their tortu-training is my source of entertainment. Besides, turning a pair of assassins onto the path of good is what you''re all about, right?"


    "As you wish." Behind him, Goodwitch looked at us like a woman staring at a trainwreck. I had the feeling she would be the one doing the paperwork for this. She looked to be studiously ignoring the ''assassin'' part. "Two more invitations can be arranged."


    "I also wish to speak with the Maiden. Cinder, I think her name was. She might know something."


    "She is not a Maiden," Ozpin frowned. "She is¡­ an usurper."


    "She stole a Maiden''s power somehow?"


    "Yes, it''s like this¡­"


    Ozpin told me about Salem, the supposed Queen of the Grimm, and how the real Fall Maiden had been attacked. It was one more bombshell of the night and I could tell Ruby desperately wanted to ask questions but felt too intimidated to voice them.


    By the time he finished, I rolled my eyes. "So, some kind of soul-draining magic? Took half the Maiden''s powers? Easy."


    "Easy?"


    I dug around in my pocket and pulled out a cake-pop. "Here. Feed this to that Amber girl. She''ll be fine after this."


    "You make food that heals."


    "I''m a chef," I said, staring at him like he was stupid. "Of course I make food. What else would I do?"


    "And this will fix a torn soul."


    "Yup. Yin yang manipulation. Not terribly complicated."


    "Soul magic is one of the most dangerous arts known to man."


    "Look, my oldest brother got chucked into a supernova before. Completely atomized. Annoying bastard resurrected himself. Trust me, this really isn''t complicated in comparison."


    "I¡­" he sighed, resigned to my bullshit. "As you wish. Will you accept her as your fourth teammate?"


    "Of course," I nodded, satisfied. I didn''t need the fake-Maiden if I had the real deal after all. She got protection, I got a minion. I held out a hand for him to shake. "Then we have a deal, professor."


    "We do. I am happy to welcome three gifted students."


    If his hands seemed a tad clammy, I didn''t point it out.


    Author''s Note


    Tianyu is working off incomplete information. Ozpin has a very good poker face. Just assume the conversation with Ruby went more or less as expected in the background.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 13

    Homeless Bunny 13


    Things moved fairly quickly after that eventful night. I took Ruby''s "baby" home with me so I could slowly mold the runes into the blade and shaft of her scythe. We met up the next weekend so I could give her a quick lesson on how to use the new gravity and wind enchantments. She couldn''t do much, really just make her weapon heavier, lighter, and toss a wind blade a dozen yards, but that was intentional.


    Ruby was¡­ excitable¡­ The last thing Vale needed was Ruby Rose with a WMD and zero training. The runes were made to draw on her magic, not mine. As she gained mastery of her silver eyes, so too would the weapon grow with her. I figured a bit of extra incentive would make her try harder.


    In other news, I was right about Neo. The ice cream addict broke her boss out of prison within hours of him turning himself in. The pair went right back to terrorizing the police, though they made sure to stay clear of me. I didn''t think I traumatized them that much, but who knew where Roman was concerned.


    Convincing Junior to let go of the twins was surprisingly not as hard as I''d expected. Yang would work on the weekends at the club. So would myself and the twins. It wasn''t as though we were leaving entirely and there was some worth to having a Beacon team associated with his business.


    It was always about legitimacy.


    I did feel a little bad about taking his best officers with me, so I spent the last week drilling something resembling skill into his men. They wouldn''t be winning any awards anytime soon, but at least none of them held their machetes in a reverse grip like the world''s most retarded praying mantises.


    Really, that was embarrassing to watch.


    As for the twins¡­


    "I can''t believe you''re making us go back to school," Miltiades complained. She was leaning against the glass as Beacon Academy approached in the distance. "We''re twenty-three."


    "You wanted to learn from me? Well this is how you learn from me," I said plainly.


    "Ugh, but come on, bun-bun, we''re assassins," Melanie griped. "How did you even get Ozpin to let us in?"


    "I''m very persuasive."


    "You''re awful."


    "Your cooperation is unnecessary."


    "Why do you even want to attend Beacon?" Miltia asked for the eighth time this week. "You''re way stronger than any of these chumps." A few students nearby glared at us, took one look at me, and suppressed laughter as they walked by.


    "Because I''ve learned everything I can at Junior''s," I explained indulgently. "Think of all the friends you can make."


    "Yeah, like that blonde bimbo?" Melanie snarked, pointing to the other side of the bullhead.


    There was Yang Xiao Long, the idiot with the shotgun-gauntlets I beat up a few weeks back. She looked like she''d seen a ghost, all pale with wide eyes and pinprick pupils. She''d taken the seat as far away from me as possible and hadn''t budged despite Ruby''s best attempts to drag her sister over to say hello.


    The younger sister though, had no such hesitation, any trauma I''d caused paved over with the wonderful gift of a brand new weapon. She still looked a little shellshocked from all the world-shaking revelations Ozpin and I unloaded on her the other night, but she at least seemed happy to see me.


    "Knock it off," I chided the twins. They''d been sending smug glances towards Yang, like children who brought their big brother to a schoolyard scuffle. "Remember that whatever trauma you think Yang has, I''m going to be training you three times as hard as before when we get to Beacon."


    The pair froze as the sheer terror of my promise sank in. Their smirks became distinctly wooden as they looked at one another. Some unspoken communication passed between them. Then, deciding on their only possible path of survival, they leaned into me on either side and did their best to look as cute and harmless as possible.


    "Y-You wouldn''t do that," Melanie tried, lower lip stuck out in what was meant to be an adorable pout.


    "Y-Yeah¡­ We''re your favorites, right?" Miltia joined her on my other side. "We''re friends. Friends don''t bully friends."


    I rolled my eyes at their melodramatics. Really, I wasn''t going to be any harsher on them than I was on Laura. A lot less actually considering they couldn''t regenerate missing limbs in a few seconds.


    "Quit it with the cutesy act," I chided. "It''s not bullying; it''s training. Besides, Ruby does it better."


    "You''re so mean¡­"


    "Relax, think of this as a training camp with friends, fun, and self-improvement-"


    "From hell," Melanie grumbled.


    "-and a fluffy, adorable teacher-"


    "From hell," Miltia added.


    "-who will stop feeding you if you don''t knock it off."


    "We''ll behave," the twins chorused, defeated by the might of my cooking.


    "Good. Besides, Hell''s not as bad as people say it is. Beelzebub was kind of a pushover," I drawled. That was how I got the Reaper of Harvests Authority. The real hard part of fighting Beelzebub wasn''t surviving Hell or killing him, it was finding the primary locust after he turned into a couple billion of the little fuckers.


    Melanie rolled her eyes but didn''t remove herself from my shoulder. "Pretend we didn''t hear that?"


    "Already forgotten," Miltia said, just one more thing they dismissed from their minds as more "Tianyu-ness."


    "-Roman Torchwick, notorious criminal who continues to evade authorities," the news played in the background. They even showed off his mugshot, clearly after someone had roughed him up a bit.


    "Heh, I can see why he wears that stupid hat now," Melanie chuckled.


    "Already out of prison, sis," Miltia added. "He owes Junior one."


    "I mean, Tianyu put him there so does that count?"


    "I''m not part of the Xiong Family," I said for the umphteenth time. "I''m just a chef."


    "Right¡­ What''s with our fourth teammate anyway?"


    "She had to arrive at Beacon early," I told her, technically the truth. "She''ll be waiting for us when we land."


    X


    Sure enough, Amber the Fall Maiden was waiting for us. She was a deeply tanned woman with chestnut-brown eyes and hair. She kept her hair at shoulder-length and had a small mole beneath her left eye.


    All told, she dressed remarkably conservatively in varying shades of cream and brown. It was eye-catching precisely because she looked so normal. Compared to other huntsmen who seemed to try to stand out as much as possible, Amber was a breath of fresh air, a dove amongst peacocks.


    She did however have a long staff with a large, red dust crystal on top. From what little I knew of dust, I could tell it was of high quality, maybe one of the purest you could find.


    This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.


    She also held a large, cardboard sign with my name on it as though we were in an airport.


    I took the twins in hand and pulled them towards her. "Hi, you must be Amber. Enjoy the cake pop?"


    She looked at me with a bashful smile. "Y-Yes, it was delicious. Thank you for healing me."


    "You''re very welcome." I gestured to each twin. "These are the Malachites. The white one is Melanie, the red one is Miltiades. She goes by Mil or Miltia."


    "Hello, I hope we can be friends."


    The twins stared down the Maiden. I got the feeling they wouldn''t get along. The pair were assassins, trained since young to take what they could. Amber was a Maiden, a defender of humanity. They couldn''t be more diametrically opposed if they tried.


    For her part, Amber looked unexpectedly nervous. I expected someone with so much power to be a little more confident in herself.


    I tried to pave over the awkward first impressions with a joke. "Don''t worry about their terrible attitudes. Just feed them and they''ll cuddle up to you. Like cats actually. They even come with claws."


    "We''d stab you, but that wouldn''t do anything," Melanie glared.


    "But where''s the lie though?"


    "Ugh, whatever. Let''s just go to orientation."


    The four of us began to awkwardly shuffle towards the main hall. The twins continued to glare at Amber like kittens who''d had their territory intruded upon.


    I''d told them about her being a Maiden; they were my disciples now and I felt no need to hide what I was doing. After all, I intended to train them to the best of my abilities so they could truly stand on their own feet like Laura.


    Still, maybe letting them know that our last teammate was a figure who''d inherited a legendary power was a bad thing? They seemed a bit cagey around Amber, even more than was typical of them. I wanted us to start with as few secrets as possible between us but maybe this only intimidated them further.


    If I was a normal person put on a team with a Campione and a Maiden¡­ would I have been happy? Thank my lucky stars at how overpowered the team was? Or would I have been scared? Of being left behind? Marginalized? Of not being good enough?


    ''I should train them harder,'' I thought. I''d already resolved to do so now that I''d officially taken them as my own, but if they felt inadequate standing in front of someone like Amber, the solution was obviously to make sure they no longer had to feel that way anymore.


    Then I heard it. Yelling, a dainty sneeze, followed by a deafening bang. The few of us who were still standing in the courtyard turned to the noise. A cloud of smoke was quickly dissipating.


    "Is that the red brat?" Melanie asked.


    "And a white brat," Miltia said.


    I made a show of giving them a once-over. "Pot. Kettle."


    "Yeah, but we make our outfits look good."


    I rolled my eyes. The smoke cleared to reveal Ruby Rose, silver-eyed warrior and owner of the single deadliest weapon on Remnant. Her face was covered in soot, as was the other girl''s.


    The other girl had white hair and¡­ everything else¡­ There was a prominent scar over her eye, giving her a wilder look that contrasted with her elegant dress. I had to give it to her; she was very pretty.


    Then she opened her mouth and began berating Ruby.


    "Unbelievable! This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about!" she yelled. "You complete dolt! What are you even doing here? Aren''t you a little young to be attending Beacon?"


    I looked at the pair. The white one was maybe half an inch taller than Ruby. They honestly looked the same age. "I''m not crazy, right? They''re the same height?"


    "Just about," Amber said. "Do you know them?"


    "Weiss Schnee, heiress of the Schnee Dust Company," Melanie chimed in. The twins weren''t the head of the Xiong Family, but that hardly meant they weren''t well-informed. Being Junior''s bodyguards, they learned quite a bit about everyone worth knowing and Weiss Schnee wasn''t exactly subtle. "And the red one''s a puppy Tianyu adopted."


    I shrugged. "Pretty much."


    "This isn''t your ordinary combat school. It''s not just sparring and practice, you know. We''re here to fight monsters," the Schnee heiress went on. "So watch where you''re going!"


    "Hey, I said I was sorry, princess," Ruby shot back. It was good to see there was a limit to her social awkwardness.


    "Are you going to go save your puppy?" Miltia nodded towards them.


    "I could¡­" I hummed. Then I got a great idea. "Wanna see something funny?"


    "Sure."


    "What''s her parents'' names again? Jacques and¡­"


    X


    Ruby Rose


    Operation: Normal Girl with Normal Knees was already FUBAR and it was all Yang''s fault! She ditched me! How could she? It''s not like I''m her one and only sister in the whole wide world or something!


    And then, just to cap off this crap-tastic day, I knocked over some crabby girl''s luggage and literally blew up!


    "It''s heiress actually," a black-haired girl with golden eyes walked up tous. In her hand was one of the dust vials that must have rolled her way. "Weiss Schnee, heiress to the Schnee Dust Company, one of the largest producers of energy propellant in the world."


    "Finally, some recognition," Weiss crowed.


    "The same company infamous for its controversial labor forces and questionable business partners."


    Weiss went from smug to indignant faster than Uncle Qrow could empty a bottle of whiskey. "W-Wha-How dare-"


    Before she could get started on a renewed tirade, the courtyard was filled with an unexpected shout.


    "SIISSTTTEEERRRR!" Tianyu blurred into her with a tackle-hug that would have probably crippled someone without aura. It was a lot slower than I''d seen him move, but still nearly my top speed.


    I wasn''t jealous.


    He tackled Weiss to the ground and straddled the taller girl, sitting on her tummy like a giant puppy¡­ or bunny¡­ He looked down at her with big, crimson eyes full of adoration and unshed tears. On his face was a giant happy grin that made it impossible to be upset with him.


    "Oh, Brothers," he swore, which brought a desperate giggle out of me considering I knew for a fact he wanted to murder one of them. "I finally found you! Dad said I could find you if I became a hunter and here you are!"


    "W-What? What are you talking about? Get off me?" she shrieked. We were drawing a crowd now. It''d be impossible not to. First my¡­ unfortunate¡­ explosion, then a rabbit faunus swearing he was Weiss Schnee''s long lost brother. People were coming back from the auditorium just to watch this mess.


    I''d seen him on the bullhead of course, but Yang hadn''t wanted to say hi to the super-scary bunny. She didn''t even know half of what I knew, though to be fair, I understood. Then when we landed, a third girl had somehow been waiting for him. I didn''t know how Beacon formed teams, but it was clear they were one unit. I wanted to join them so Tianyu and I could talk about our baby, but my social awkwardness kicked in and the three pretty, older girls intimidated me.


    And then he tackled Weiss Schnee. And turned and winked at me.


    He skipped up and grabbed Weiss by the hand before yanking her to her feet.


    "I''m your big brother! I mean, it took a bit longer to study for Beacon but I''m so happy to meet you!" he yelled, shaking her hands hard enough to make her whole body rock back and forth.


    "I only have one brother! What are you talking about?"


    He grabbed his white ears and flapped them around like tiny wings. "See? White! Like you! Pops says I get it from Mama Willow. That''s your mom, right?"


    The black-haired girl looked at me, then at the unbelievable scene before us. "You¡­ know him?"


    "Tianyu Yue, amazing chef and blacksmith and fighter and dust-engraver and like everything else," I explained. Off to the side, I could see the meanie twins cackling on the ground in laughter. The red one had her scroll out and the white one was holding the brown-haired girl back so she wouldn''t interfere. "He''s also a bit of a bully."


    "Not her brother?"


    "Definitely not," I said confidently. Then I thought about all the random crap I''d learned. A lot of things I thought I knew about the world turned out to be wrong. Really wrong. Like, so wrong I''d be shipped off to the loony bin if I ever tried to tell anyone.


    Could¡­ Could Tianyu not be joking? He didn''t need much convincing to come to Beacon, the same bunny who swore up and down that he was a chef. No matter how unfairly, absurdly strong he was.


    Could he have planned this? Junior was an information broker. He knew things. If anyone could tell Tianyu where his long-lost sister would go to school, it was him, right? Was that why he was at Junior''s? That made him like Yang, right? She was looking for Raven and Tianyu was looking for his sister.


    Nothing said he couldn''t be a Schnee¡­ He probably wasn''t but¡­


    The more I thought about it, the less sure I became. He did have the¡­ "Glyphs!" I blurted out.


    "Ha!" Weiss said proudly. She wrenched her hands from Tianyu''s grip and jumped back. Then, she pulled out a rapier and slashed the air. A snowflake-like circle formed in the air. "That dolt does know something after all. A Schnee has glyphs. It''s our Semblance, proof of our family lineage. Well?"


    Tianyu clapped his hands. "Wow, that''s what yours looks like?"


    "Exactly! Now you can stop this nonse-"


    She couldn''t finish. In Tianyu''s hands was a glyph of his own. It bloomed as a golden light between his palms before taking on a yin yang symbol. Then, even as we watched, five ancient Mistralian inscriptions wrote themselves into the air, forming a perfect pentagon between them. A five-pointed star connected them even as each point sprouted a circle of its own. Finally, a line of ancient script encircled the whole thing in brilliant gold, glowing like a small sun.


    It was breathtaking. I''d seen it a few times before, mostly when he used it to do silly things like stir-fry vegetables faster, but I''d never really taken a close look at it until now.


    The entire courtyard fell silent. Even the birds stopped chirping.


    "I call it my seal. You call yours a glyph? I mean, that''s cool too," Tianyu babbled happily. "Look! I have mine too, see? See?"


    "I¡­ How¡­"


    "Well anyway, it was great to see you again, sister," he said, giving her a quick hug. "I''m going to go on ahead with my friends, okay? See you around!"


    And just like that, he was gone as fast as he came.


    For such a little guy, he was awfully good at shattering people''s grip on reality¡­


    Author''s Note


    Yes, this is a colossal dick move on Tianyu''s part. But it''s funny so meh. I''ve decided to play the crack straight.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 14

    Homeless Bunny 14


    The four of us found ourselves a nice alcove in the auditorium. As it turned out, what Ozpin called the auditorium in our orientation brochures was actually just the atrium of the castle with a little stage set up for him and the staff.


    The twins were still giggling uncontrollably. They leaned against the wall, not paying the slightest bit of attention to Ozpin as they uploaded Miltia''s video online.


    Amber on the other hand, looked rather miffed by it all. "That was a mean prank," she chided.


    I quirked an eyebrow. "How do you know that was a prank?"


    "Because¡­ Because¡­ It was too convenient!" She began to fidget as I stared in silence. "That was a prank¡­ right?"


    "Of course it was," I replied with a grin.


    "You should post a retraction."


    "It''s a video. What''s the worst that could happen?"


    "I don''t know. The Schnee family don''t deserve that though. At least tell Weiss. That poor girl thinks she has an older brother she never knew about."


    "I will," I promised. "Eventually¡­ When it stops being funny¡­"


    She stared at me with naked disapproval. "You know, you''re really not how I imagined you''d be."


    "Why? What did Ozpin tell you about me?"


    "That you were a highly magical healer and that you took down the bitch who stole half my soul. Thanks for that by the way."


    "True on both counts, but oh so incomplete." I slung an arm around her shoulder. "Amber, I am a chef. I''m a lot of other things, but at my very core, I am a chef. Everything else is secondary. My primary condition to attending this school, do you know what it was? A kitchen. I get full access to the kitchens, both the dorm and cafeteria. It''s mine."


    "What''s that have to do with being a Schnee bastard?"


    "Nothing. I''m just saying, whatever heroic image you have of me, throw it out. I''ll help people, but on my terms. A little harmless chaos is exactly the kind of thing I''ll perpetuate for my own amusement."


    "Fine, but what if I tell Weiss you''re not her brother?"


    "I''ll insist I am and you can''t prove otherwise," I replied with a shit-eating grin.


    "You¡­" She sighed in defeat. "Just¡­ Don''t hurt her?"


    "Never. Physically. I''ve been told I''m rather good at making people question their reality. Actually, now that I think about it, you should expect to do a fair bit of that too. The twins have coping with me down to a science."


    "We do," Melanie nodded. "We just pretend fluffy is a glitch in the universe and move on."


    "That''s not coping at all, that''s just avoidance!" Amber protested.


    Miltiades shook her head and clicked her tongue. "You poor, ignorant soul. That is coping. You cope with Tianyu''s Tianyu-ness by accepting that natural laws don''t apply to him because he''s somehow bribed the universe into being his bitch."


    I watched the three bicker with a fond smile. They were all adorable in their own ways and I wanted them to get along. The twins, despite their prickly exterior, could be sweet when they warmed up to a person, whereas Amber, from what I''d been told, was a little too kind and trusting. They had a lot to learn from one another and if a little more bunny-flavored chaos was what it took to break down their walls, then I was happy to oblige.


    X


    After the orientation speech, which was somehow Ozpin just bitching for two minutes, we were given free time to explore the castle. We were told by Goodwitch that we''d be expected to sleep here in the atrium because¡­ reasons¡­ I wasn''t quite clear what a giant slumber party was supposed to achieve, but what did I know? I wasn''t an educator.


    Naturally, free time for me meant checking out the cafeteria kitchens. They were nice, well-equipped to serve several hundred people daily. I immediately opened up the larders and began taking stock.


    "Is¡­ Is he cooking?" Amber asked in confusion.


    "What else does a chef do in his free time?" Melanie said, eyes rolling. She and Miltia pulled up a chair to watch.


    "Yeah, what''s for dinner, fluffy?" Miltia called.


    "Hmm¡­ We''ve got a bit of everything. Amber, what do you want for dinner?"


    "What? Why does she get to choose?"


    "Because she''s new."


    Amber took a peek at the pantry. There was a clipboard with its stock listed on it. It was nicely arranged, with grains and starch in one corner and general staples like jarred preserves and baking soda in another. I noticed they kept their meats and veggies in two separate walk-in fridges to avoid any chance of cross-contamination. Whoever was in charge here probably had a fair bit of experience.


    Amber looked a little intimidated by seeing so much food. Considering how far away Beacon was from the city proper, they probably got food deliveries via bullhead once or twice a week.


    "Umm¡­ Sorry, I don''t know much about cooking. I grew up in a village near Vale."


    "Farming village?"


    "Yes."


    "Okay. Want something homey?"


    "Sure?"


    "Great, shepherd''s pie it is." I pulled out a large tub of potatoes, ground lamb and beef, canned tomatoes, and other ingredients. I pulled out my trusty chef''s knife and began to prepare the mirepoix.


    My hands moved at a blur, peeling potatoes and chopping vegetables at speeds that should have shattered the sound barrier and blown the kitchen apart. Godspeed was my favorite part of being a Campione, no questions asked.


    I heard footsteps behind me and felt the eyes of the head chef. "So you''re the one who gets to use my kitchen, huh?" he spoke gruffly. "At least you know what you''re doing."


    I paused long enough to give him a friendly handshake. "Hello, Tianyu Yue, chef turned huntsman-in-training. I approve of your pantry organization skills."


    "Of course you do," he huffed. "I''m Chef Orion. You and your girlfriends don''t need dinner I take it?"


    "No, we don''t. Would you like help making dinner for the rest of the students?"


    "Bah, already done. Made a big batch of curry in the morning."


    I nodded approvingly. "Curry tastes better with time and scales well to lots of mouths to feed. Good plan."


    He looked like a no-nonsense kind of fellow, with forearms as thick as my face and biceps like one of those muscle-bulls. I locked eyes with the grizzly chef. There was an understanding between us, a brotherly bond between men who understood the truth: Food is life.


    "If you use my kitchen, I expect you to jot down a list of ingredients you used so I know what''s missing," he said, pointing to the clipboard I''d seen earlier.


    I blurred for a second. "Done."


    He nodded approvingly. "Shepherd''s pie, huh? Not bad, homey. Why the beef mince?"


    "Lamb''s a tad gamey and doesn''t have a lot of fat. An even mix of beef will tone down the gaminess for most palates and the fat will give it a bit more depth."


    "Ya don''t say¡­"


    Chef Orion began to quiz me on various ingredients I was using and why. He started asking me things to test what I knew, as should all chefs when facing an intruder in the kitchen, but that quickly turned into a lively discussion on various cooking methods.


    As the pie baked in the oven, the rich, fragrant aroma of meat in tomato sauce filled the air. Vale didn''t have anything like Worcestershire sauce, so I''d had to make my own variant using white vinegar, molasses, onion, fish sauce, and a few other things. I had no time to distill it all normally, but damn it, I was Tainyu, the Jade Rabbit. A bit of quick and dirty alchemy disguised as my "Semblance" fixed that.


    I ended up making two pans, one for my team and Ruby, and the second for the kitchen staff. While everyone else ate decent enough curry, we had our fill of Britain''s classic comfort food.


    And thus I was faced with the greatest conundrum since my arrival here: More than one person shot my friends envious glares and my pride as a chef demanded I serve them too. But there was absolutely nothing wrong with Chef Orion''s cooking. His curry was fine, if a bit bland because it was made for mass production.


    On the other hand, my pride as a chef demanded that I did not waste food. I wasn''t trying to develop a recipe, nor was I refining a cooking technique; therefore, simply making more shepherd''s pies and throwing the curry away would have been unacceptable.


    My near instinctive desire to cook warred with my respect for food. Truly, I was the only one who could challenge myself in this world.


    X


    The four of us soon retired to the atrium and looked for a quiet corner to set up our sleeping bags. Melanie and Miltiades didn''t bat an eye at the idea of sleeping with so many people, men included, but Amber had a ruddy blush that wouldn''t go down. The Fall Maiden shoved her sleeping bag flush up against the wall, putting the twins'' beddings between her and the rest of the students.


    My own sleeping bag, provided by one of Junior''s mooks of course, was positioned up above their heads so I could talk to them all at once.


    "Please tell me you''re past the ''boys have cooties'' stage," Melanie said, rolling her eyes.


    "Shut it," Amber retorted. She plugged her scroll into the outlet to charge and turned on a flashlight function so we could use it as a nightlight. "It''s not that."


    "Leave her alone, Mel," Miltia said. "It''s not like most of them are worth looking at anyway."


    "True, I don''t know what I was expecting. Guess hunter boys are still boys," her sister sighed in audible disappointment.


    I glanced towards where they were looking and found three boys horsing around. They were shirtless and posing for an audience, though people seemed to be laughing at them rather than with them. One grabbed another in a headlock and that started an impromptu wrestling contest.


    Another boy, blonde, walked by in a baby-blue onesie¡­ with a white bunny on it¡­


    "Pffttt, look, fluffy," Melanie laughed, pointing him out. "Your face is on it."


    I rolled my eyes and grabbed her by the towel she''d wrapped around her head before shoving her face into her pillow. "That¡­ That is a travesty. I feel personally attacked right now."


    "Gonna say hi? He looks like a fan."


    "Fuck no. I''m going to pretend he doesn''t exist, thank you."


    Stolen story; please report.


    "Well you can be our shield against all the drooling boys."


    "Someone thinks highly of herself."


    "Psh, we''re hot," Melanie drawled, flipping her hair.


    "And twins," Miltia added.


    "And I guess Amber''s got the cute shy girl thing going on."


    "I told you it''s not like that," she protested. "It''s not the boys I have a problem with. I used to travel a lot, okay?"


    "What''s that got to do with anything?"


    "Look, I''m a country girl, alright? And I''m proud of it. I never really liked the hustle and bustle of Vale. And¡­ And when I became a Maiden, I just wanted to travel around helping people," she said with a wistful smile. She placed her hands behind her head and lounged back. "There''s something really nice about sleeping out beneath the stars. The smell of fresh hay and wildflowers, the breeze on your face, you just can''t get these things in Vale. It''s peaceful out there."


    "Yeah, so long as you don''t mind the grimm," Melanie snarked.


    "True, but here, you have horny boys. Or in Vale, you have the noise and light pollution. I guess I''m just not used to people."


    "Hippie," Miltia said, but there was no bite to it.


    "Yeah, fuck you too."


    "Ooh, she''s got fangs, Mel."


    I sighed as the three continued to bicker. After my antics with Weiss Schnee and the best shepherd''s pie Amber''s ever put in her mouth, any awkwardness between them had diminished greatly. Good food broke boundaries after all.


    Oh, I knew they''d fight and bicker. The twins were too catty and insecure. Amber herself had her own fears of being hunted. This was a first step, but one I looked forward to.


    "Oh, right, fluffy," Miltia called.


    "Hmm? What''s up, Mil?"


    "You know I took a video of you hugging Weiss Schnee, right?"


    "Please don''t tell me that went online."


    "Okay, I won''t tell you."


    "Miltiades Malachite."


    "Ooh, Mil, he broke out the full name," Melanie laughed. "You''re in so much shit."


    "Hey, fuck you, Mel, you told me to!"


    "You listened!"


    "Do I want to know what the general reaction is?" I asked her.


    For her part, Weiss had been studiously avoiding me while sending me furtive glances. She looked like either a maiden in love or someone who''d just met the man who killed her puppy and fed her its corpse. Her expressions of conflicted disbelief and longing hadn''t exactly gone unnoticed.


    I honestly wasn''t sure what that said about the marriage between Jacques and Willow Schnee, probably not good things. I thought she''d have figured out I was lying somehow by now. Did Willow really disappear for nine months at a time?


    No, that wasn''t right. Depending on Willow Schnee''s body type and lifestyle, she could conceivably hide a pregnancy for up to three months or so before that became impossible. Which meant that for Weiss to consider my relation to her even remotely possible, husband and wife must not see each other for half a year or more.


    I¡­ I pitied them. Luo Hao and I sometimes did that, but we had the excuse of being immortal. Six months was but a single breath to us. Was Jacques Schnee that married to his work? Or maybe it wasn''t uncommon for Willow to take a discreet lover? Powerful men and women did that often enough in my world.


    Funny enough, the black-haired girl, one Blake Belladonna according to the twins'' ever-reliable information network, sent me similar glances full of suspicion and disbelief. She looked like a woman who''d been piecing puzzles together in the dark, only for someone to finally hand her a lamp so she could see the whole picture.


    Enlightenment. Revelation. It was a little creepy, actually.


    That she was a cat faunus wasn''t exactly hidden from me. I could hear the rustle of fur beneath her bow as her ears rubbed against the fabric. She was either as big a gossipmonger as Junior, or she had a vested interest in the affairs of the Schnee family for some reason. I hadn''t cared enough to ask the twins beyond her name, though by the way the two kept snickering, perhaps I should have.


    Miltia giggled and shoved her scroll my way. "Here, check it out."


    I let out a resigned sigh and picked up the scroll. On it was a familiar online forum for huntsmen where they could take jobs, read relevant news, discuss weapon designs, and whatever else they did when they weren''t out of CCT range. I''d seen the twins browsing it a few times in their off time at the club. Technically, the site required a current huntsman ID or academy attendance, that was their main selling point, no civvies, but that never seemed to stop the girls.


    I passed it back to her after emailing a link of the page to myself. "I''ll just make my own account."


    "Ooh, you better add us."


    "Fine, what''s your screen name?"


    "Red Hot Sexbomb. Obviously."


    I snorted a laugh. "Hah. Funny. I guess Mel is White Hot Sexbomb?"


    "Naturally. One of the admins is a retired huntress who happens to owe Junior some money," Melanie explained. "We can get you a unique tag if you want one."


    "Ehh, no thanks. I''m just gonna set my Beacon ID as my profile picture."


    "You should think about an emblem. All huntsmen have one, even that blonde bimbo."


    "Maybe¡­"


    "You want an account, country girl?"


    Amber flipped over and buried her face into her pillow. "No thanks. If I want some judgy twerp''s opinion, I''ll ask you. I don''t need to outsource your bullshit."


    "Ooh, kitty''s got claws."


    A single middle finger was her response.


    X


    Welcome to the Hunters Union message boards.


    You are currently logged in, Rabbit Stew


    You are viewing:


    ? Threads you have replied to


    ? AND Threads that have new replies


    ? OR private message conversations with new replies


    ? Thread OP is displayed.


    ? Twenty posts per page


    ? Last ten messages in private message history.


    ? Threads and private messages are ordered chronologically.


    Topic: My team leader is a Schnee bastard


    In: Boards ? Vale ? Beacon Academy


    Red Hot Sexbomb (Original Poster) (Verified Twins) (The Quiet Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Posted On Sep 1st 2011:


    I''m just gonna leave [this] here. Make of it what you will.


    (Showing page 1 of 3)


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Verified Twins) (The Sassy Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    What my lovely baby sister means to say is, this is Tianyu Yue, our adorably fluffy team leader. He may or may not be the son of Willow Schnee.


    Yes, the ears are very fluffy. No, you may not touch.


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Huh, first freshie to make a thread. Neat. Welcome to Beacon, freshie.


    Edit: What... What the hell did I just see?


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Original Poster) (Verified Twins) (The Quiet Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    History. You saw history in the making.


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Thighlicious, Fortune Cookie, thoughts?


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Coco! Why did you change my screen name?! How do I change it back?


    ?Fortune Cookie (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    It is darkest beneath the lamp.


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Seriously, Vel, just watch the video. You might not be the cutest bun-bun anymore.


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    What are you talking about?


    Edit: Wow... Umm... You can''t fake a Semblance like the Schnee glyphs. I think this might be real, Coco.


    ?Fortune Cookie (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Perhaps. Or perhaps two paths can lead to the same destination.


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Remnant Common, Yats. We don''t all speak in poetry.


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    I think he means the two Semblances are similar but not exactly alike? I mean, the Schnee glyphs are snowflake-themed. The new guy''s is shaped like a star.


    But... But Semblances can mutate and change with time. Professor Thornberry said our environments can shape our understanding of ourselves, which also changes how we view our aura.


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    True, true. So the Mistralian script might mean he''s from Mistral? Or that his family is on his dad''s side?


    Any deets, Red Hot Sexbomb? Or White Hot Sexbomb? How''d you get those tags anyway? I want one.


    Also, I wouldn''t hold your breath about teams. Ozpin has a unique way of assigning teammates. You''re probably not going to end up with the crew you want, not that I''d trade mine for the world.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Verified Twins) (The Sassy Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    We know a guy. Make it worth our while and we might edit the tags for you. As for teams, we don''t want anyone else. We want each other and bun-bun. Oh, and I guess the country bumpkin is pretty chill too.


    ?WIN-Chester (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Dude, what the fuck? A Schnee fucked an animal? Disgusting.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Verified Twins) (The Sassy Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Yeah, right? Disgusting.


    Please, PLEASE call our boss an animal. I''m begging you. I''ll suck your dick if you can still walk.


    ?WIN-Chester (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    I''m holding you to that.


    ?Rabbit Stew (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    You know, I might let him walk away now. Hope you know how to swallow, brat.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Verified Twins) (The Sassy Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Woot! Our glorious and fluffy leader has an account! Add us!


    ?Rabbit Stew (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    I do. You saw me make it just now. You''re literally right next to me.


    End of Page. 1, 2, 3


    (Showing page 2 of 3)


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Huh. I''ll admit, you''re pretty cute, but [mine''s] cuter. The way Vel blushes and stutters is enough to give me cavities.


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Original Poster) (Verified Twins) (The Quiet Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Lies.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Verified Twins) (The Sassy Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    No one is cuter than Tianyu. Yours is colored like mud. Ours looks like snow. Schnow?


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Chocolate. Rich milk chocolate. Ours has style. And she''s good at literally everything she ever even looks at. She''s automatically the most skilled person in whatever room she walks into. Bet yours can''t do that.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Verified Twins) (The Sassy Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Bullshit. Bet ours can club yours to death with a spoon. And Tianyu can make you cum with a plate of fried rice. Can yours do that?


    ?Rabbit Stew (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Are... Are you three really arguing about whose bunny is cuter?


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Yes.


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Original Poster) (Verified Twins) (The Quiet Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    No.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Verified Twins) (The Sassy Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Because there is no argument. It''s objective fact. You''re superior.


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    ... please stop...


    ?Fortune Cookie (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    The water winds downstream but the traveler need not follow the current.


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Yes, what he said. Let''s change the subject.


    Rabbit Stew? Are you a Schnee?


    ?Golden Bombshell (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Wow... Just... Wow... The scary bunny is a Schnee? Wait, I''m gonna go tell everyone.


    ?Rabbit Stew (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    I must say, officially, that I am not a Schnee. I am legally not permitted to claim relationship with that family nor the Schnee Dust Company.


    I must also inform you that my action this afternoon was a poorly thought out prank and nothing more. Miss Schnee is not my sister.


    Officially.


    ?Weiss_Schnee_Official (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    What. Is. This?


    How is this already a thing? Remove the video right now!


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Original Poster) (Verified Twins) (The Quiet Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Get bent, princess.


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Officially...?


    I understand. Care to weigh in, Weiss_Schnee_Official?


    ?Weiss_Schnee_Official (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    I''m going to get to the bottom of this. Just you wait. If this is a cruel prank, you''ll wish you were dead.


    If not... If, by some miracle, this is real, I look forward to getting to know you... brother...


    ?Rabbit Stew (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    You''ll always be my sister. In my heart.


    ?Weiss_Schnee_Official (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    ... thank you...


    End of Page. 1, 2


    (Showing page 3 of 3)


    ?Golden Bombshell (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    This is sweet and all, but how do you know your team already? Did I miss an announcement?


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Original Poster) (Verified Twins) (The Quiet Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Bitch.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Verified Twins) (The Sassy Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    You''d know if you were smarter. But you''re blonde.


    ?Golden Bombshell (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Wanna fight?


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Verified Twins) (The Sassy Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Nah, we''ll just hide behind our bunny.


    ?Rabbit Stew (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    You''re allowed to hit them if they mouth off. I''m not going to protect them from the consequences of their own shit-talking.


    ?Golden Bombshell (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    HA!


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Verified Twins) (The Sassy Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    What? I thought we''re a team!


    ?Rabbit Stew (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    We are. And as leader, it''s my job to teach you both not to bite off more than you can chew.


    ?Nighhawk (Beacon Academy) (Senior) (Team TRNT)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Yo, what the hell is this? Shit, there''s a Schnee bastard?


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy) (Sophomore) (Team CFVY)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    And now the upper years know. This year''s shaping up to be real interesting.


    ?Rabbit Stew (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    I live for chaos. Also, White Hot Sexbomb, I''ve sent you tags. I demand them.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Verified Twins) (The Sassy Twin) (Beacon Academy) (Fresh Meat)


    Replied On Sep 1st 2011:


    Yes, o team leader. Give our guy a few days.


    End of Page. 1, 2, 3


    Author''s Note


    Tianyu''s Semblance will go down in legend as the most versatile bullshit.


    Did I just PHO this? Yes, yes I did. I mean, I kinda had to after a revelation like that. Did a "capes only" equivalent because the general public is too much to give a damn about.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 15

    Homeless Bunny 15


    What did it say about me that I was more interested in the Hunters Union forums than the initiation? It wasn''t as though my team assignment was some great mystery. I''d made it abundantly clear who my picks were and if Ozpin decided otherwise, I''d just have to persuade him. Besides, with Amber''s status as Fall Maiden being some kind of secret, and only three other students knowing about her in the first place, Ozpin would have to be crazy to change things up.


    My concern with the rumor mill was why I''d decided to make something easy for breakfast: pancakes, eggs, bacon, and fruit, a real American tradition. The kitchen staff had been kind enough to set up a station for myself, complete with hob, oven, and cutting station, while they prepped breakfast for the rest of the student body.


    I tested out the coffee blends they had on hand and found that theirs were a little stronger than I was used to so instead of the diner-style flapjacks found in America, I decided to make the thick, fluffy variants popularized by Japanese cafes in my world. They were sweeter and fluffier thanks to the use of more eggs and baking powder. I thought the more intense coffee flavor would pair well with the souffle-like confection.


    "Morning," I called to my team as they stumbled into the cafeteria like zombies. The aroma of perfectly brewed latte, with less sugar than usual to offset my pancakes, drew them in like the lure of a siren. I smiled as I placed three plates down before them.


    "Morning, Tianyu," Amber chirped with a smile. "This looks lovely. Smells great too. I''ve never seen pancakes like these before."


    "Japanese style, don''t sweat the details."


    She cut off a slice, loaded it with a preserved strawberry, and took a dainty bite. I saw Amber''s eyes light up, maybe not entirely metaphorically, as she had a small foodgasm from the experience. It was always nice to see people enjoy my cooking, doubly so when they were beautiful women.


    "So? How do you like these over the ones you''re familiar with?"


    "These are the best pancakes I''ve ever had."


    "I''m gla-"


    "LIES!" came a shout across the hall. We turned to find a short, ginger girl with a white and pink motif and an honest to god heart-shaped boob window¡­ for some reason¡­


    I noticed with a frown that even she was taller than me.


    She stomped our way with a serious expression. In her hand was a vaguely Chinese boy in green and white who had a nice pink streak in his hair. He looked at us and mouthed "sorry" but made no attempt to free himself from the short ginger''s grip.


    Our eyes met and I recognized them immediately. Here was a man who''d long since grown accustomed to getting dragged along on new hijinks by a powerful woman.


    I nodded in solidarity. I loved Luo Hao dearly, but there was a reason she was called the "Advocate of Ultimate Brute Force." The amount of times I''d had to smooth things over after she offended the Hindu devas for one reason or another was sadly greater than zero.


    Or maybe Indra just liked to throw a fit because it got him more food and Luo Hao was happy to give him a reason. Who knew with them?


    "Hello," I nodded to them both. "Care for breakfast? I have more."


    "Rennie''s pancakes are better," the ginger declared.


    I stared at "Rennie." He looked back at me. I narrowed my eyes in unspoken challenge. Slowly, deliberately, I flipped a pancake onto a plate and slid it over. "Is that right?"


    "Yup! Rennie is the best pancake chef in the whole world."


    I placed two forks on their plate. "Delusional, but brave. Allow me to show you the distance between heaven and earth. Go on, try it."


    One bite. It took one bite for the girl I learned was called Nora to break down in defeated sobs. It was a conflicted thing, half weeping at the remnants of her shattered delusion and half shedding tears of joy at finding the platonic ideal of a pancake.


    Funnily enough, Ren seemed delighted with zero loss of pride. "Thank you," he said calmly. "Do you happen to have tea? I think this would go great with a more bitter profile than a latte."


    "Oho, you are humble in defeat. Very well, I shall indulge you."


    From my pocket, I pulled out a large box of loose-leaf teas, each held in sectioned off containers like potions ingredients. Because that''s exactly what the box was meant for, potions ingredient storage for Hogwarts students. The box had been enchanted to be perfectly nonreactive while preserving each ingredient. It was a marvel of mortal enchanting. When Alice gifted me one, I insisted on tracking down the enchanter to express my favor personally.


    Of course, the teas weren''t normal either. Even the mortal breeds of tea leaves had been cultivated in the Lunar Palace, infusing them with celestial mana. Others were exclusive to the Netherworld, given to me as gifts from one god or another. I even had half a dozen varieties from Annie''s fae realm, though I wouldn''t be pulling them out for a simple social like this.


    I plucked two mortal leaves, known for their fragrance and depth of flavor, and brewed him a quick glass. My "Semblance" shone over the cup as water heated itself to the perfect temperature.


    "Thank you," Ren said as he took the cup in hand. He held it below his nose for a minute, letting the steam and heady fragrance tickle his nose. Slowly, he brought the cup to his lips. His eyes sparkled like pink gems as the flavor hit his tongue. "This is¡­ This is the best cup of tea I''ve ever had. How did you make it so fragrant? It''s familiar but different."


    A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.


    "I''m a chef," I said simply. "I''m a lot of other things, but I''m a chef first and foremost. Everything else is secondary."


    He nodded in acceptance at the simple explanation. I liked him. Here was a man who accompanied a girl-shaped storm, yet found his own center. He allowed himself to be swept along, but not swept away.


    Yes, the one called Lie Ren was a man worth knowing.


    X


    Such was our collective serenity that not a single person approached the six of us. Or maybe it was the four girls arguing over the best pancake topping while one of them wept tears of bitter defeat.


    We made for a strange sight at breakfast is what I mean.


    I did hear whispers of "bastard Schnee" this and "faunus Schnee" that when I used my golden seal. I took it to mean the rumor had spread like wildfire across campus. I didn''t much care, but Weiss did seem like a lonely girl, perhaps I''d adopt her, turn lies into truth.


    After breakfast, we were told to head to the lockers where our weapons were stored. I had none but accompanied my team anyway. There, we found my "little sister" doing her best to proposition some tall, toned girl with vaguely hoplite armor and vibrant, red hair.


    "I''m sure everyone would be eager to unite with such a strong, well-known individual such as yourself," Weiss said.


    I leaned over and placed an elbow on Mel''s shoulder. "Who''s red?"


    "Pyrrha Nikos, Mistra Regional Tournament champion, four times. People call her the ''Invincible Girl,''" my ever-trusty exposition machine filled me in.


    "Invincible Girl, huh? I take it she''s never lost then?"


    "Nope, at least, not in any official match. She won the past two tournaments without taking a single hit."


    "She does seem familiar. I know it wasn''t from her matches¡­ Where have I seen her before?"


    Miltia shrugged. "She''s got a bunch of sponsorships."


    "Most of them are kinda stupid. Hair products and whatnot," Mel added. "You know, stuff that has nothing to do with fighting but she gets because she''s a tall, leggy redhead."


    "Anything food-related?" I asked.


    "Oh! She''s got the Pumpkin Pete''s cereal thing."


    I remembered, and now I wish I didn''t. "Ah¡­ God, that''s depressing."


    I hummed noncommittally as Weiss did her best to make a friend. It was almost funny how socially awkward she was. No, that wasn''t quite right. Weiss'' mannerisms would have been perfect in a cocktail party. It wasn''t that she was socially awkward necessarily, but rather that Beacon required a very different set of social skills than the one she possessed.


    Never having been positioned to interact with her peers as more than just professional contacts, Weiss defaulted to what she knew. She tried, badly, to network with a girl who looked increasingly uncomfortable with the situation. This, more than anything else I''d seen of her so far, cemented in my mind all the things the twins had told me about her family. The girl needed help and she''d get it in bunny-flavor, whether she liked it or not.


    I gasped audibly and ran over. Taking her hand, I let out a squeal only a pubescent girl or a manlet who''d apparently never seen the far side of puberty could make. "Eeee! Pyrrha Nikos! Oh-em-gee!"


    Pyrrha looked like she''d swallowed a lemon. To her credit, she did her best to smile. It looked about as plastic as a barbie doll but she tried. "Hello¡­"


    "You''re the Invincible Gi-snrk," I broke down giggling. "Wow, I can''t even say your title with a straight face. You''re either the most arrogant girl alive or you need a new agent."


    "Excuse me," Weiss coughed, "we were having a conversation!"


    I turned around and pulled Weiss into a hug. She was taller than me by a good three inches in heels, which meant my perky, foodlong ears flopped against her face and wrapped past her tiara. "Weiss, my dearest little sister-"


    "That''s still under investigation," she protested.


    "It''s wonderful to see you out of the frozen asscrack of the world that is Atlas."


    "Hey, that''s my home you''re talking about."


    "I know, and what a tragedy that is. You must have endured so much¡­ Anyway, have you considered, maybe, that you left Atlas for the same reason Pyrrha here left Mistral?"


    "I-What are you talking about?" I rolled my eyes and flicked her on the nose. "Ow!"


    Gently, I grabbed her by the shoulders and made her take a step back. "Okay, too close. Breathe. Now start again. Don''t try to network, try to make a friend. You''re both famous for stupid reasons so you should understand her better than anyone."


    "Networking is making friends, you dolt."


    "So was that one swinger orgy with superhero-themed prostitutes and a metric fuckton of cocaine, but I think we can both agree they''re not the same thing."


    "What?"


    I turned back around and took Pyrrha by the hand. "Hi, Tianyu Yue. I am, officially, not her big brother and I think your title is pretentious as fuck. Nice to meet you."


    "N-Nice to meet you," Pyrrha parroted back, more out of shock and ingrained habit than anything else. "I don''t like my title either."


    "Good. Now, Pumpkin Pete''s, that''s a real accomplishment. You know, in the ''man was never meant to know'' sorta way. What kinda fuckwit looks at a pumpkin and says, ''You know? That''d be great in cereal form.'' Congratulations on being their mascot, by the way. I''ll never stop thinking of you as pumpkin-girl."


    "I¡­ Thank you¡­?"


    "Anyway, you and Weiss are depressingly alike, you just deal with fame in different ways. Give her a chance, okay? Bye~"


    And with that, I was off. My team fell in step behind me, leaving behind a pair of very confused celebrities.


    "Are you ever going to tell her that you''re not her brother?" Amber asked chidingly.


    "I did. I said I''m officially not her brother."


    "You know how suspicious that makes you sound, yes?"


    "Me? Suspicious? Nah. I mean, come on, look at these floppy ears. How can I look suspicious when I look so adorable?" I laughed, flapping them around like wings.


    Behind us, there was a blonde boy who''d looked like he wanted to approach Weiss. He seemed to have gotten intimidated by the looks the twins were shooting him, which was¡­ fair, actually. I didn''t really remember my teenage years all that well, but I probably wouldn''t have had the nerve to talk to two celebrities, an older brother, and three equally pretty girls simultaneously before my ascension either.


    X


    The Beacon cliffside was beautiful. It offered a picturesque look over the Emerald Forest, a view most civilians would never get to see in their walled cities. The morning sun bathed us in gentle light as Ozpin lined us up on platforms along the edge of the cliff.


    He said something about how he''d be launching us from the cliff. Our mission was to acquire some kind of relic at the far end of the forest while evading or killing every grimm we came across. Whoever met our eyes first would be our partner and two pairs would be added to form one team.


    That made me pause. The blonde heretic to bunnies everywhere, Jaune, had no aura. I''d thought he was so weak as to be nearly unnoticeable at first, but I could feel it now. Or rather, not feel it. The boy was a true void. How was he supposed to have a "landing strategy" if he didn''t even have the basics down?


    Author''s Note


    Nora Valkyrie is 5'' 1", making her the second shortest character in RWBY so far. Neo is first at 4'' 10" in heels. Funnily enough, Ruby, at 5'' 2", is taller than Weiss, who stands 5'' 3", but only in heels.


    So¡­ I figured out after writing it all that I had Tianyu bulldoze his way into every conversation that features Jaune¡­ oops. Now I need to decide what I want to do with the poor fucker. Like, without Pyrrha, does he just¡­ die¡­?


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 16

    <div>


    <div>


    Homeless Bunny 16


    I stared at the blonde idiot with naked disbelief, the one who decided that applying to a school designed to train monster hunters with zero aura was somehow a good plan. I didn''t understand. I couldn''t understand, and not for lack of trying.


    I studied him out of the corner of my eye, just to be sure. I was a Campione. "A really stupid plan that somehow works out" was how the overwhelming majority of us ascended in the first place. We Campione were, one and all, posterboys for the term "idiot-savant." And being one myself, I liked to think I could recognize a kindred spirit.


    But¡­ But as much as we liked to joke that we were idiots, sometimes, the emphasis should be placed on savant. Luo Hao challenged a god of strength to a contest of martial arts, and won. Doni faced Nuadha, first king of the Tuatha De Danann, to a contest of swords, and won. Though I had no grand epic to tell, even before my ascension, I was such a talented chef that the Jade Rabbit ate my food and managed to poison herself without noticing until far too late.


    We were, to the last, savants, geniuses of peerless skill in our respective passions. Was Jaune Arc one such person? A Campione in the making?


    It wasn''t impossible. As illogical as his actions seemed from the outside, it spoke of matchless confidence. Spunk, as Doni would put it. Was Jaune Arc so gifted with the blade that he believed he would emerge victorious even without aura? Had he foregone the activation ritual as a handicap against himself?


    One more time, I probed at him with every sense I had, both mundane and magical. And he was¡­


    "He''s going to die," I whispered in horrified realization. I didn''t know if I should laugh or cry. Either he was the single greatest deceiver in history, akin to Lucifer himself, or he was exactly as he seemed, a bumbling fool with zero talent to speak of.


    I glanced at Ozpin. There was no way he didn''t know, right? If he had no aura, he likely had no formal education in this line of work either. No apprenticeships or whatever passed for the equivalent here. Which likely meant a bullshit transcript. Ozpin did not seem like a fool; he had to know.


    I met his eyes, flickering back to Jaune in open question. He raised an eyebrow and sipped at his coffee. Then, ever so briefly, he looked at Goodwitch, the woman with a telekinetic Semblance.


    Realization washed over me: Jaune would get launched into the forest, only for Goodwitch to save the fool from giving some tree a red paint job. She would then pick his sorry ass off the forest floor, giving the shaken boy the mother of all lectures. She might even drag him along as she hunts down a few beowolves, really showing him what being a huntsman was all about.


    This was the plan. This was always the plan. A boy with delusions of grandeur wouldn''t just stop because he didn''t get accepted into Beacon. If he was willing to fake an application to come here anyway without knowing the first thing about aura, he might also be willing to head out into the forest on his own to "prove them all wrong." He''d die of course. Sure, Beacon wouldn''t be responsible, but that''d be cold comfort to educators and huntsmen like the staff here.


    I sighed. This was one of those "scared straight" moments in the making. My world had them too, though it was usually cops recreating a drunk driving accident or drug bust.


    I locked eyes with Goodwitch. It was subtle, but she gestured to Jaune and thumbed her riding crop with obvious intent.


    I gave her a respectful nod and washed my hands of him. She had it handled; I saw no reason to insert myself into something she''d likely done before.


    One by one, my future classmates were launched into the sky.


    I decided to have some fun with it and bounced into the air. "Boing," I muttered.


    "What?" the guy next to me, some punk kid with a pink mohawk, asked.


    "Boing," I replied with an earnest nod, deliberately curling and uncurling my ears as I bounced in place.


    "Are you stupid?"


    Then my turn came. My "Semblance" bloomed beneath my feet like a golden flower as the launchpad released. I shouted for the world to hear, "BOING!"


    Beneath me, the launchpad shattered into a million pieces as I rocketed into the air. I didn''t head into the forest. Instead, I jumped almost straight up, past the cloud cover and far enough above to visibly see the curvature of the world.


    There, I took a deep breath and waited.


    Miltia was the second of us. When she was at the height of her arc, I swan dived straight for her with pinpoint accuracy.


    I yelled at the top of my lungs, "Moon Bunny Combat Arts: Hawk Eating Rabbit!"


    X


    Miltiades Malachite


    I knew I wasn''t the best, far from it. If anything, Melanie and I were probably the two weakest students here, paired with the a Maiden of myth and legend and¡­ whatever unholy fuck Tianyu was. We couldn''t even beat the blonde bitch when we had each other. Pit us alone in one of those combat classes I knew the academies liked so much and, and we were fucked, no two ways about it.


    But that didn''t mean we had nothing to contribute. We had contacts and resources. And we were good at what we did. We''d watched Junior work for years now and some of that rubbed off on us. Tianyu and country girl could be our giant beatsticks; we''d handle the intel.


    Most of all? I liked to think Mel and I were the most inoculated to Tianyu''s general Tianyu-ness.


    Then, just because the fluffy son of a bitch liked proving people wrong, he divebombed me like a falcon.


    "Moon Bunny Combat Arts: Hawk Eating Rabbit!" He tackled me, catching me by the lower back and flipping me over into a bridal carry.


    "AAAHHH! What the fuck, Tianyu?" I screamed.


    I had my claws out of course. My plan was to catch them on a tree trunk and spiral my way down. I lashed out on instinct, flailing wildly, and managed to catch him in the face.


    Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.


    It didn''t do anything, I''d yet to see him take even superficial damage, but I stabbed him a few more times to make myself feel better.


    "Hey there, drop in often?"


    "Fuck you. Fuck you so much."


    "Aww, don''t be like that, Mil," he said with that stupid pretty boy smile and those stupid fluffy ears. Tianyu was a man who smiled with his whole face, not just his mouth. His ruby-red eyes shone with mirth and he had a way about him that made him impossible to stay mad at.


    I felt blood rush to my face. He was holding me. We locked eyes. He was my partner. Not Melanie''s, mine.


    I was going to hold this over her forever.


    "Fuck you," I repeated for appearance sake. Still, I wrapped my arms around his neck. He was warm. And soft. And had a really nice smile. I huffed, more to distract myself than anything. "And shouldn''t it be ''Rabbit Eating Hawk?''"


    "Are you the martial artist or am I?"


    "I don''t need to be a master to know you sound stupid."


    "Well I''ll have you know, this bunny can eat hawks. There are some decent recipes for rocs actually. Not quite the same, but pretty tasty, and you can''t beat those portion sizes."


    "Right¡­"


    We alighted on a tree branch to wait for the others. It didn''t take long; Tianyu was hardly subtle. Looking back, we saw the blonde with the bunny onesie flail like an idiot before getting saved by Goodwitch. I wondered what his story was, then immediately dismissed the loser.


    A minute later, country girl, Amber, flew through the air, riding her staff like some witch out of a storybook, which she was now that I thought about it. Melanie straddled the rod behind her and I shook my head to banish the dozen sex jokes that came to mind.


    Not the time. Unlike my twin, I had a filter between my brain and my mouth. Not much, but it did exist.


    "Great," Tianyu clapped, "we''re all partnered up. Shall we get going?"


    "Yeah, let''s get this over with," my sister grumbled. I saw right through her though. Bitch was laughing at me.


    Well, joke''s on her. Bun-bun was still carrying me. I wrapped my arms around him and shot her a cheeky wink.


    Guess who was his partner? That''s right, this bitch, right here.


    We glided to the ground and Tianyu finally made me let go. Tianyu started to walk in a direction so we all followed him. He probably knew where he was going.


    "So, are you always so dramatic?" Amber asked him. "And what are the Moon Bunny Combat Arts?"


    "They''re a set of intermediate-level martial arts techniques I made so people could ease into things before picking up the Lunar Revel, my actual fighting style. They emphasize speed, agility, and decisive killing strokes from unexpected angles. Why? Interested?"


    "I''ll stick to my staff and magic, thanks."


    "Is that what we''re going to be learning?" I asked. We''d always wanted to be strong, strong enough to tell mother dearest in Mistral to go fuck herself. We were good, but not huntsman-good. That kind of training was almost impossible to find outside the academies.


    Until now. Until one day, a hilariously overpowered bunny dropped into our laps and adopted us. It''d suck. He''d probably have way too much fun torturing us in the name of training.


    But it was free training from the single strongest person we knew.


    Surprisingly, he shook his head. "Nah, you need to start with the beginner stuff. This is intermediate-level. But yeah, you''ll get here eventually."


    "Speaking of training, have you and Melanie thought about picking up a ranged weapon?" country girl asked.


    "There''s nothing wrong with blades," Melanie said, more to be argumentative than anything. She was prickly like that.


    "Amber''s got a point," fluffy mused. "You two are used to throwing out rowdy drunk people at a club or fighting in the alleys with your gang where range wasn''t really an issue. Now, well¡­ a gun wouldn''t be bad to have at your level."


    "What do you mean ''at your level?''"


    He pulled out his wooden spoon. Both Mel and I tracked it with well-deserved caution. Tianyu did something to it with his Semblance. It bypassed our auras to cause pain without harm, which just meant he could make our training sessions really last.


    Then, with a lazy smile, he flicked the spoon between his fingers so fast that the air visibly rippled. A tree more than twenty yards away split clean in two, vertically. It looked like lightning struck the thing, but without the burning.


    "Get good enough with aura and you''ll be able to launch ranged attacks with physical weapons," he explained.


    He gave us a lecture on martial arts as we walked to the relics, wherever they were. There were grimm in the way, but I didn''t have to lift a finger. Country girl had apparently decided on a "wind" Semblance, using blades of air to cut down her enemies and fly. She also used the fire dust crystal on her staff to generate massive fire spirals.


    I wasn''t jealous¡­


    Seeing how we never bothered to stop walking to take care of the grimm that came our way, it wasn''t long until we found a big, ruined temple in the forest. Most of it had worn down over the years, but there was an altar with¡­ a chessboard.


    "Well, that makes things simple," Tianyu muttered. He grabbed the black king and handed the queen to Amber.


    X


    Ilia Amitola


    Why, oh why, did I think this was a good idea again?


    No, of course I wasn''t thinking. I felt abandoned, lonely, desperate, and horny and decided leaving the Fang to chase down my crush was somehow going to get Blake to finally notice me.


    Finding her wasn''t any trouble. It wasn''t like she changed her name. Or cut her hair. Or wore contacts. Or changed her outfit. Or color palette. Or her extremely recognizable sword-cleaver-pistol-ribbon mechashift weapon.


    No, Blake''s idea of a "disguise" was a bow over her kitty ears. Her fluffy, perky kitty ears that I knew made her purr.


    Focus, Ilia¡­ Find Blake now, be horny later.


    I grunted in annoyance as Lightning Lash wrapped around a beowolf. I yanked on the whip, breaking its neck in one, fluid motion. Who the hell was she fooling? There was no way in hell Blake seriously thought she''d conned Ozpin into letting her here. I at least had the benefit of looking mostly human.


    I''d been keeping my distance until now; I knew how skittish she could be. But this was different. If I could find her, we''d be partners, together.


    Attending Beacon would mean tolerating two other people on the team, probably humans, but I could bear it for her. We''d graduate together, having grown much stronger. Then we could ditch our two hanger-ons and be badass huntresses. It''d be us against the world. We''d travel all across Remnant, fighting for faunus rights, protecting people the kingdoms were so eager to throw aside.


    Or maybe we''d return to the Fang, where we both belonged. Or to Menagerie, where Ghira and Kali were waiting.


    I had so many things to say to her, so much to get off my chest. I was pissed. I felt abandoned. But I missed her so, so much. I didn''t believe Adam for a moment. He claimed in his report that Blake had left him to fend off the SDC''s security droids on his own, left him to die. He claimed that she was a traitor to the cause, a coward who ran with her tail between her legs.


    Adam was full of shit. I knew Blake better than anyone. Blake was an idealist. She''d never abandon the faunus, not even with a blade to her throat. She''d never throw away her beliefs, her dreams of a world with equality for all. Behind the stoicism, she was a creature driven by passion and dreams.


    But she did leave the Fang. There was no denying that.


    Conflicting feelings warred in me. Blake was the single most loyal person I knew. She wasn''t loyal to a person, but to the cause? There was none more faithful. So what did it say about the Fang that our most faithful chose to walk away?


    I didn''t know.


    Maybe I didn''t want to know.


    But I had to find out. I needed to hear this from the horse''s mouth. I wanted to trust her. No, I believed in her. I just needed her to make it make sense for me.


    My thoughts ground to a screeching halt. I''d done well to avoid any searching eyes, but with my emotions going haywire the way they were, it was hard to hold my camouflage. Green eyes met mine.


    "Hello there," my new partner said.


    I suppressed a sigh of disappointment. I knew I could do worse than Pyrrha Nikos, but she was no Blake Belladonna.


    Author''s Note


    There were a lot of ways to take this. I thought about just why Jaune was allowed to get as far as he did. This is my answer. Tianyu can''t let him die, it''s just not in his nature to ignore something immediately in front of him, but he''s also perceptive enough to put the pieces together.


    So Jaune''s out. And because I don''t feel like making a flushed out OC for a crack-fic, Ilia''s in. She left the White Fang to chase after Blake. I didn''t watch anything past S3 so I''m sure I got her character wrong, but meh.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 17

    Homeless Bunny 17


    Tianyu Yue (Schnee?)


    "So this is it? We just pick up a chess piece and go back?" I asked. It felt too easy, like there should be more to this.


    Melanie shrugged. "What''d you expect?"


    "I don''t know, maybe one of the staff here to show us what it''s like to face a superior opponent? Some kind of chained grimm they could unleash at us? Or maybe a logics puzzle about small group tactics? He did go with chess pieces after all."


    "Or maybe, sometimes the test is what it seems on the surface and we should be happy it''s just a quick walk through the forest."


    "Mel''s right, fluffy," Miltia chimed in, "I like easy."


    "Fine, let''s just go. But you two will be doing the fighting on our way back," I said. "You''re too used to fighting humans with minimal training. I want you both to get used to fighting grimm."


    "Ugh, fine¡­"


    "This sucks¡­"


    The twins continued to bitch and moan as we began to head back. Despite their sass, they did fan out to either side of me and Amber, covering us as if we were helpless civilians. It was cute in that tsundere way that was popular in Japan. They were brats, but they did take things seriously.


    Just as we reached the tree line, Yang and the black-haired faunus I saw at the docks reached the temple. I saw that the blonde had managed to replace the shotgun-gauntlet I broke. It was yellow, but a slightly different color than the original.


    "Yo, blondie," I waved. "Who''s your friend?"


    "Blake," she said, bow slightly twitching. I vaguely remembered hearing her name somewhere. "Tianyu, right?"


    "Yup."


    "Are you really a Scnhee?"


    "My last name is Yue."


    "That''s not what I''m asking."


    "I know," I smiled beatifically. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw an ursa lumber towards us. I waved Yang and Blake back before they could go kill it. "Leave it, please. The twins need practice with nonhuman opponents."


    "They need more than that," Yang muttered under her breath.


    "They do. They''re rough around the edges but they have potential," I agreed and pulled out an onigiri from my pocket. I handed it to Amber. "Here, lunch. Ginger salmon with a bit of minced umeboshi for contrast."


    I saw the way Blake''s ears perked up at the mention of salmon. Cute, like a cat. I''d yet to determine if faunus really followed their animal stereotypes. Lots of articles online gave conflicting answers. On one hand, faunus did have animal traits that weren''t vestigial. Night vision, enhanced sense of smell, and so on were fairly common.


    On the other hand, plenty of faunus rights activists decried the notion that they had some innate "animal instinct" that drove them. They thought that such things made them less of a person somehow. It all seemed silly to me.


    That raised the question: Was Blake interested in salmon because she was a cat faunus? Or did she just happen to like seafood?


    I wanted to scritch her ears to find out but I figured that''d be rude. Instead, I pulled two more onigiri from my pocket and tossed them their way before plopping down on a log to watch the twins sweat. "Here, for you two."


    "It''s not poisoned, is it?" Yang asked suspiciously.


    "It''s not. And if you insinuate I''d ever mishandle food, I''m going to rip off your arm and club you to death with it," I growled. There were things you didn''t say about a chef; this topped that list.


    "Okay, geez."


    "And remember, you''re going down to the club every weekend with the twins until you pay off damages."


    "I know, I know¡­ You can''t give a gal a break?"


    "You trashed the club and injured multiple people I had to fix up, all because you''re impulsive and short-sighted. So no. Own your mistakes, blondie."


    "Ugh, you sound like dad."


    "Good."


    Amber sat down next to me and began to nibble at her onigiri. "Mmm! It''s so tasty!"


    "Glad you like it." By the time I turned back to Blake, the rice ball had already vanished. She was seated on the grass, face caressed in her hands as she tried to come to grips with the best fish she''d ever had.


    Blake looked between me and Amber. "Trade. You can have Yang. I want the chef."


    Amber giggled and shook her head. "Sorry, Miltia''s his partner."


    "Oi!" Yang whined. "I see how it is."


    "Trade chess pieces then," Blake said, eerily serious.


    "Sorry, I need to be on his team for my own reasons," Amber said. Seeing how me and the twins were the only ones who knew about her Maidenhood, she wasn''t wrong. Ozpin wouldn''t let her be on any other team. "The cooking''s a big plus though."


    Then, we heard an ear-piercing squeal and the sound of someone swinging through the air. A brown-haired girl used a whip of some sort to launch herself from a tree at the not-so-hidden cat faunus. "BLAKE!"


    Blake, still on the ground contemplating the mystery of seafood, was in no position to dodge. She didn''t even hear her before the brunette slammed into her in a tackle-hug that would have made Ruby proud.


    "Blake! You''re here!" whip-girl said with a pleased grin.


    Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.


    "Ilia? What are you doing here? How are you here?" kitty cried. "What about the F-Adam?"


    Behind them, the ursa finally went down. The twins'' death by a thousand cuts strategy worked, but only so long as they could double team a target. Melanie pointed towards Blake, then at her ears. She was trying to tell me something.


    Miltia rolled her eyes and pulled out her scroll before showing me a picture of the White Fang logo, a stylized wolf''s head with three claw marks through it, in ink as red as blood. How they thought that could be seen as a sign of peaceful protest was beyond me.


    I nodded in approval even as Amber''s eyes widened in surprise and suspicion. She started to reach for her staff but I put a hand over hers. I wanted to see where this was going.


    "I left," Ilia said, meaning they were both Fang, or former members at any rate. "I followed you, Blake."


    "I¡­ Why?"


    "What do you mean ''why?'' You''re my best friend!" Her body flushed pink, literally. It started from the roots of her hair all the way down to her hands. "How could you leave me?"


    "Ilia¡­ I¡­ How did you find me?" Blake tried to change the subject.


    "How did I¡­" The chameleon(?) faunus lost it. She grabbed the bow and yanked it off her head with a furious scowl. "What the fuck do you mean ''How did you find me?'' How can I not? You have cat ears, fine! You know what you also have? Belladonna! The brothers-damned last name of the high chief of Menagerie! You''re our fucking princess! You have Gambol Shroud!"


    Blake let out a pathetic whine as she scrambled for her bow. Ilia yanked her back by her hair with a furious growl.


    "It was supposed to be a disguise," Blake mumbled.


    "How? What part of a bow is a disguise? The part where you didn''t change your outfit at all? Or your weapon? Hair? Did you expect me to suddenly hit my head or something?"


    "No, I-"


    "Do I look stupid to you? What the fuck were you thinking?"


    "That wasn''t wh-"


    "No! Of course you weren''t thinking! GAAHHH!" Ilia screamed as she pulled at her hair.


    The twins had circled around to the log where Amber and I were seated. Miltia stood behind me and leaned forward, resting her chin between my ears. Melanie scootched next to me. I could practically feel a palpable wave of amusement from them at the free drama. Rolling my eyes, I handed them an onigiri of their own that they took wordlessly.


    Yang and pumpkin-girl were also here, but they looked like they had no idea what to do about the situation. The two of them clearly didn''t know anything about their partners'' checkered pasts so they were only getting half the story. Not knowing any better, they looked resigned to waiting it out.


    "Who''s Adam?" I heard Yang whisper, only to get a confused shrug from Pyrrha.


    "Perhaps a boyfriend? I must admit I have no experience with relationships," the champion whispered back. "Is this¡­ normal¡­?"


    "Sometimes, most people do this behind closed doors though."


    They weren''t very quiet, even by normal faunus standards. Ilia shot them both murderous glares that shut them up for a bit. She took a deep breath and forcibly calmed herself, though not well if her trembling hands were any indication. "You''re my friend, Blake. And the reason I came to Vale¡­ remember? I didn''t have to be assigned here. I came for you, then and now."


    "I do¡­ I''m sorry, Ilia¡­"


    "What? What happened on that train, Blake?"


    "You wouldn''t understand," Blake said, looking torn.


    "Then help me understand!" Ilia cried. She grabbed Blake by the shoulders and began to shake her. "You left! Why? Why did you leave us? Why did you leave me?"


    "I didn''t want to," Blake whispered. "We¡­ We weren''t what we thought we were when I joined. I couldn''t support Adam anymore. The man he became¡­ He''s not the man I fell in love with."


    "I believed in you," Ilia said, voice thick with emotion. Her whole body was trembling now, her weapon forgotten at her feet. "I still believe in you. Not the F-organization, you. Please, Blake, please help me to understand¡­"


    Blake took a shuddering breath. Then, with a defeated sigh, she collapsed in on herself. "I will, Ilia. You deserve that much. Can we¡­ Can we do this later?"


    "You''re not going to bolt?"


    "I''m not!"


    "Promise."


    "Ilia-"


    "Promise," she stressed.


    "I-Yeah, that''s fair¡­ I promise."


    "No more running?"


    "No more running."


    "Good." Ilia whirled our way with a heated glare. "What''re you looking at?"


    "Live action soap opera," Melanie said with a mocking smirk. I reached over and flicked her nose with my spoon. "Ow! What the hell, fluffy?"


    "Don''t mock their sincerity. Sure, they could have done this somewhere more private, but it is what it is," I chided. "Now let''s go."


    "Wait, I want to wait for Ru-" Yang said, only to be cut off by the cawing of a nevermore.


    At the same time, Nora and Ren burst through the trees on the back of an ursa. The ursa collapsed and the petite ginger jumped, landing in a forward roll. "Whoo! That was awesome!"


    "Nora," Ren groaned, "let''s never do that again."


    "Yang! Catch me!" Ruby cried.


    We looked up to find that she and my "little sister" had somehow hitched a ride on a nevermore, The bird was big, about the size of a school bus, with an extra pair of clawed fingers over the wings as if it was a weird cross between crow and pterosaur.


    "Did¡­ Did your sister take a nevermore for a joyride?" Blake asked, stupefied.


    "Brothers, humans are so fucking stupid," Ilia grumbled. "And that''s a Schnee with her."


    "Ilia¡­"


    "I know, no murdering the Schnee¡­ in school¡­"


    Amber leaned over to whisper, "Hey, aren''t you also a Schnee? Shouldn''t you be worried?"


    She wasn''t quiet enough. Ilia turned and looked me over before fixating on my footlong bunny ears. "Yeah, what''s with you?"


    I shrugged helplessly. "What can I say? There''s a reason ''fuck like a bunny'' is common parlance."


    "Ugh, pig."


    "Bunny."


    "Yang!" Ruby yelled, falling. Yang took a quick, gauntlet-boosted jump into the air to catch her sister.


    "How could you leave me up here?" Weiss yelled.


    "I said Jump!"


    "Wait, how''d she land from the cliffs then?" Melanie asked. That was a reasonable question. This didn''t seem like a fall worth worrying about.


    Amber mounted her staff and rose into the air. "I don''t know, but she needs help now. I''m going to go get her."


    "Should you? Tianyu''s a fan of tough love, you know."


    "That''s his sister!"


    "Exactly. Tough love."


    Amber looked at me in askance. I had no idea why; it wasn''t like this was all that dangerous for her. She seemed the helpful sort anyway so I waved her on. "Do what you want."


    X


    With nine huntsmen-in-training ganging up on the poor nevermore, I didn''t participate and the twins had no ranged weapons to contribute, initiation ended shortly after. We were all gathered to the side, waiting for our names to be called.


    Ozpin looked to be making four-letter abbreviations based on the first letters of each member''s names. CRDL became Cardinal, RWBY became Ruby, and VALN became Valentine. It was a weird tradition, but one I could jive with. It apparently came about during the colors revolution, as did the tendency for huntsmen to dress flamboyantly.


    Then it was our turn. What was TAMM? Tammy? Tambourine? Tamer? This would be how we''d be known by the world at large. I needed a good name. Quickly, I pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled the first name that came to mind.


    "Tianyu Yue, Amber Gale, Melanie Malachite, Miltia Malachite, you retrieved the black king and queen pieces," Ozpin said, sounding very austere and whatnot. As I walked up on stage, I blurred for a moment and slipped the note into his hand. To his credit, the man didn''t even blink at the sudden addition. "Together, you will be Team Tamale, led by Tianyu Yue."


    I stepped forward at normal speed to shake the headmaster''s hand, a big, cheery grin on my face. I could feel three pairs of eyes glaring holes into the back of my head. The auditorium broke down into barely subdued chuckles and whispers of "Schnee bastard."


    Then, someone in the front of the crowd asked a question. It didn''t carry over the general bustle of the auditorium, but I had no trouble hearing it. I wished I hadn''t. Three words made me freeze in horror and pity, my smile now like brittle glass.


    "What''s a tamale?"


    I missed my world¡­


    Author''s Note


    Yes, officers in a gang of information brokers recognize the princess of Menagerie, especially when the "disguise" is just a bow. Ilia, not so much, but she kinda outed herself.


    No Jaune, no deathstalker, because he doesn''t ignore the obvious cave painting of a scorpion at the entrance, insist that he leads because he "made the torch," drops the torch, and then immediately grabs the first glowing, hanging thing he sees, which happened to be the deathstalker''s stinger.


    Amber has no last name so I made one.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 18

    Homeless Bunny 18


    Tianyu Yue


    Sleep wasn''t really something I needed anymore, more of a luxury indulgence than a physiological necessity, so I often found myself basking in the moonlight. It was mine after all, the moon and all its blessings, why shouldn''t I delight in my own property?


    I glanced up at the moon and sighed. I could tell that some of the larger pieces had begun to reorient themselves into proper position and a handful of smaller shards had merged. It was still a far cry from completion, not even half, really. There was progress, but it was too slow for my liking.


    At this rate, Luo Hao might find me from her observatory and decide to pay me a visit. That wouldn''t be so bad; I missed her, and she did have Noah''s Ark.


    The moon''s metaphysical hold on the world was growing, bit by bit, thanks to my presence. There was a certain sympathetic resonance between the celestial body and my Authorities. I existed on this plane; therefore, the moon would too. I was whole; therefore, the moon would be too. I awaited the day I could reunite with my lovely wife.


    Still, until then, I had commitments here, obligations I''d taken on to amuse myself.


    I turned my gaze to Remnant and smiled as I watched the three young women sleep in our new room.


    Which, now that I thought about it, was pretty fucking creepy. Here I was, a man a full century their senior, watching them sleep.


    "¡­ I need a hobby¡­"


    Thusly decided, I decided to do what I normally did when I had time on my hands: cook.


    Or in this case, prep.


    That imbecile''s question rang in my mind, a clear and haunting testimony of damnation against this world. "What is a tamale?"


    How could four words so perfectly describe the wretchedness of his condition? How could a man so clearly profess his own ignorance?


    No, that wasn''t fair to him. His ignorance was symptomatic of a bigger problem that I''d noticed during my time at Junior''s: This world was a culinary desert. Many of the flavor combinations and basic dishes I''d enjoyed and perfected on earth existed, but there were just as many that were absent. Culinary education had taken a backseat to basic survival here.


    Truly, the one called Salem had much to answer for.


    I had begun laying inroads at Junior''s and would now continue my self-given mission of expanding this world''s palate, one rube at a time. I had a long, harsh road ahead, but as the foremost chef in the Netherworld, I was uniquely qualified for this undertaking.


    Which meant I had to make tamales.


    Which meant I had to go shuck some corn because not even Beacon''s well-stocked kitchens had corn husks lying around.


    So that was how I spent my night, racing through the sky, wandering from farm to farm, looking for corn husks to dry.


    X


    They weren''t exactly hard to find. The Kingdom of Vale had the most temperate climate of all four kingdoms and so was considered the breadbasket of the world. Vast farms outside the city walls grew a variety of produce, including corn, wheat, barley, oats, and potatoes. Just about the only starch they didn''t grow in some capacity was rice, which was Mistral''s favored crop, and that more because of the differences in culture and palate than a lack of ability.


    This was September, the start of the academic year, which also meant it was harvest season. Corn husks were in abundant supply.


    I landed on the dirt road leading up to a big farmhouse. Huge stalks towered on either side, each capped with thick, plump cobs of excellent mortal quality. The husks had begun to split apart as the kernels reached their full ripeness, leaving golden kernels to peek out and gleam under the silvery moonlight. It was a sight that warmed my heart. The farmer here obviously took great care of his produce and I would be honored to make use of them.


    I could take them, just do a quick bit of shucking for the farmer, but husks were actually quite useful. Not only were they great for compost, the husks were vital protection from both pests and the elements. If the farmer didn''t quickly get to the field I harvested husks from, he could lose out on a lot of crops because I shucked them all without permission.


    That wouldn''t do. I was a chef. As a chef, I knew the value of my ingredients and I respected those who worked to produce them. I didn''t want to potentially ruin a part of someone''s harvest. I was the Jade Rabbit, the King of Charity. What kind of bunny would I be if I repaid the farmer''s diligence with disrespect?


    So, though it was late, I walked down the dirt road to the farmhouse, intent on rousing the farmer that I might tell him of my wish. I didn''t want a few leaves. I wanted the whole lot, as many as he would allow me to take. I figured I may as well stock up while I was here.


    Corn husks were useful in cooking for making more than just tamales. A South American, cake-like dish called humitas also required that they be steamed in corn husks. They could be stuffed with both sweet and savory fillings and possessed a wonderfully subtle flavor that I could best describe as "cozy," like an abuela''s hug.


    Husks could also be used to wrap meats for grilling. And, seeing how I lacked banana leaves, they would act as suitable replacements should I ever want to make many Pacific Islander dishes, such as laulau rice. Not to mention, they added a smoky, subtly sweet flavor to stews like tortilla soups and chowders.


    Yes, it would be good to stock up.


    I hummed merrily, a thousand and one recipes racing through my mind as I skipped down the dirt path. What would a humita taste like if filled with chicken adobo? Or maybe laulau rice with a side of thai curry? I couldn''t wait to start experimenting again.


    Of course, the farmer would be justly rewarded for his service to me. I was disrupting his harvest schedule after all. Surely a dozen vials of panacea should be worthy compensation.


    I knocked on the farmhouse door, loud and confident. "Hello? Is there anyone here? I have a proposal for you!"


    No answer. I looked at my scroll. It was one in the morning, surely not an entirely unreasonable time to be awake. I could come back, but I didn''t want to bother. I knocked again.


    Then a third time.


    Finally, after insistently standing on the patio, the door slammed open to reveal a man and two barrels shoved into my face. Or, above my face, actually. The barrels poked between my twitching ears.


    The fact that this man thought he was being robbed didn''t bother me; it was not an unreasonable assumption. No. Somehow, the fact that this man thought his hypothetical robber would be taller annoyed me more.


    I calmly reached up and grabbed the barrel. Then, slowly, while his eyes adjusted to the darkness, I pulled the barrel down until I could peer inside. "There. Now, you''re aiming in the right place. Do you feel safer now? Can we talk like normal people?"


    "Who the fuck are you?" the man demanded. He instinctively tried to jerk the shotgun back, but I held it in place with a placid smile.


    "I am Tianyu Yue, a chef. I wish to purchase your husks. You will be compensated appropriately. In fact, if you show me where and how you store the cobs, I would be happy to conduct a portion of your harvest for you."


    "What the fuck-You''re a faunus. You''re Fang aren''t you?"


    "I assure you bunnies have no fangs."


    "Get the hell off my patio before I blow your head off, you freak."


    I tried again. I did my best to look harmless; my appearance was good for that if nothing else. "Sir, I promise I just want permission to harvest some of your-"


    "Do you know what time it is? It''s fucking one in the fucking morning!" he said, still tugging at his shotgun. "This is your Brothers-damned problem. You Fang think you''re doing the right thing, fighting for the good of faunus. Then you pull stupid shit like this and think you''re going to do what? Make people like you? Wake the fuck up,kid!"


    I sighed. He seemed insistent on me being a White Fang member. I wasn''t. Hell, I wasn''t even a faunus for fuck''s sake! This wasn''t the first time someone''s called me a damn terrorist either. The more I got mixed up with one, the less I sympathized with the supposed "faunus rights advocates."


    I took a deep breath. I refused to lose my cool. I was the one asking him for a favor.


    "All you''re doing is making everyday folks like me hate your group, kid. And that''s bleeding over to hate for your kind," he said. He''d built up a head of steam now. He saw that I was about as cute as could be and felt confident enough to lecture me. Or maybe he thought I was a disillusioned youth in need of some life lessons. "You need to go call your buddies back from whatever they''re doing while you have me distracted. Get out of here before you cause some real trouble, you hear? Then look deep in the mirror and see if this is what you thought it''d be."


    "There is no one el-"


    "Ask yourself what you''re fighting for. Ask yourself if this is how you''re going to make the Vale Council change whatever policy you want changed. Then ask yourself how many enemies you''re making and whether this is really how you want to go about it."


    "Sir, I''m telling you I''m not part of the White Fang. This isn''t a prank. There is no one else. I really just want to buy corn husks from you," I said patiently. I reached into my pocket and withdrew a wooden case. I opened the lid to reveal six crystal vials filled with a jade-green liquid that shimmered in the moonlight.


    They were panaceas, the fabled all-cures that mortal alchemists had spent centuries searching for. Along with the philosopher''s stone and the elixir of life, the panacea was one of the three alchemical treasures: Infinite wealth, eternal life, and eternal health. How very quaint.


    My predecessor taught me to make them, saying the Jade Rabbit must also be an accomplished alchemist, not just a chef. I tied her ears into knots for daring to imply a chef was inferior in any way to a glorified drug lord.


    Still, these were precious. A single sip of the divine elixir could cure any mortal ailment. Two sips would reinforce the body, preventing the patient from ever developing that ailment again. No returning cancer. No Alzheimer''s. No degenerative immune system. The complexity of the disease didn''t matter; this could fix it all.


    "What''re those?" he asked with a hint of curiosity. I could always trust humans to eye the shiny things.


    "They are panaceas," I explained. "They are elixirs that can fix any injury or disea-"


    "Yeah, right. Some random rabbit faunus who shows up at my door past midnight is giving me the thing that''ll fix my bum leg." He placed a firm hand on my shoulder. "Look, kid. You''re awfully polite for Fang, or some snot-nosed prankster, or whatever you are. You don''t want to keep making these kinds of choices. Go run along and think about what you''re doing with yourself."


    "I mean it. They can fix anything."


    "Is this the new craze? You''re not very good at being a drug dealer. You''re over-promising."


    I sighed. "You don''t believe me."


    "Of course not."


    "Yeah¡­ That makes sense. Well, I tried. I''m still going to take some of your corn."


    He crossed his hands over his chest. Admittedly, he did look rather imposing, being a foot taller than me and barrel-chested with thick biceps from a lifetime of farm work. "You are, are you?"


    "Yes. I''m sorry about this. For what it''s worth, my potions do what I said they''d do. I will also begin harvesting the corn to your left so please start there in the morning. I really am interested in just the husks."


    "You think I''m going to let-"


    I cut him off with a quick sleep spell. Mind magic wasn''t really my cup of tea, but hypnotizing a mortal was well within my capabilities. He''d wake up in the morning feeling completely refreshed. Hopefully, he wouldn''t pass this meeting off as a dream. So long as he knew what was going on, I figured it''d be fine. I''d done my due diligence.


    Just in case, I left the open container of panaceas on his coffee table and his gun by his side. I moved the man onto his couch and left him with a note describing the elixir in full. Hopefully I didn''t disturb his wife''s sleep upstairs.


    X


    By morning, I managed to find shuck, and dry corn husks, using my "Semblance" to cheat like Oddjob at Goldeneye. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, and it was time for breakfast.


    I wasn''t a monster, or my wife, so I decided to let the girls sleep in for a little longer. I didn''t even wake them by setting their beds on fire. Or teleporting them into the sea. Or throwing them off cliffs. Or sending their beds floating through a thundercloud. Luo Hao''s methods were diverse and my junior brother deserved a lot more credit for surviving them all.


    Instead, I decided to allow the aroma of my cooking to rouse them from slumber like the gentle caress of the spring breeze.


    This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.


    Truly, I was a merciful shifu.


    For breakfast, I settled on shakshuka, a flexible, North African dish consisting of eggs lightly poached in an aromatic tomato sauce. It was the ideal breakfast: It was nutritious, tasty, could be served atop rice or with a side of bread per preference, and was easy to teach.


    I''d used it as an introductory dish to teach Laura how to combine different spices and herbs to get wildly varying results from the same basic ingredients. It quickly became one of her favorite dishes, though I suspected the fact that it could be made in just one pot had a lot to do with that. She really liked those and had even joined the donburi club at Totsuki for a time.


    Here, I''d had to play around a bit with the ingredients to get the flavors I wanted. The tomatoes Beacon had on hand had a slightly higher acid content than I was used to, so I balanced that out with a bit of additional umami. I could have used something more conventional, but decided a combination of roasted pepper paste from Vacuo and a mushroom mince would be more fun. Throw in a mix of scallions and chives for brightness at the end and I had a dish worthy of my table.


    When I finished, I drew upon the moon and chanted, "Mine is the secret of the Way of all things. Unto my creations I impart the sagely treasures of the Queen Mother''s garden. Peach Blossom Alchemy!"


    I felt the familiar touch of the moon, my very first Authority raising its head. It was still weak, diminished compared to what I was capable of on earth, but that was fine. I didn''t need to make the girls immortal; I just wanted them to be a little bit stronger than they were yesterday.


    I infused the dish with divine wood qi, heavily aligned with the concept of growth. Like a sturdy oak, they''d sprout and reach for the sky, growing bit by bit under my care. This was not a blessing of raw power or magic but of self-improvement, one that would reward determination and devotion. The fruits it bore would be up to them.


    Just as I finished, I saw Amber poke her head through the door of the dorm kitchens. Her hair was badly disheveled, and she was unsuccessfully stifling a yawn, but she was the first to rise.


    "Yo, good morning, fair Maiden," I greeted with a laugh.


    "Morning¡­ And screw you, I know my bed hair is awful," she grumbled.


    "Ehh, it''s fine. It''s only about two bird''s nests big." I received a jaunty middle finger for that. "Are the twins up?"


    "They are. The white one''s hogging the bathroom."


    "Well breakfast is ready so you can go tell them to hurry up."


    She glanced at the plate nervously. "What is it? It looks spicy."


    "Not a big fan of heat?"


    "Not really. A little bit is fine, but I don''t like food that hurts to eat."


    "Well, don''t worry because this is tomato sauce, mostly. It''s something called shakshuka."


    "Got it. I''ll go get the brat twins, team leader," she mumbled as she wandered back to our room.


    I portioned out four plates, three, perfectly poached eggs each, and topped them with the delicious, red sauce. The table was set, yet empty. I frowned. Poached eggs had a relatively short window in which they could be enjoyed fully because the residual heat of the water or sauce would continue to cook them. Then, as they cooled, the yolk would harden, shifting the doneness a great deal. The toast would cool as well and then they wouldn''t get to mop up the yolk with the bread.


    Just when I was considering giving the food out to whoever wanted a more filling breakfast than what they had in the cafeteria, the twins and Amber arrived.


    "You''re late," I observed. "We wake up at dawn for physical conditioning. If you are late, I''ll give your breakfast away to whoever wants it."


    "That''s not fair, bun-bun," Miltia pouted. "I''ve seen you put things under stasis before."


    "Yeah, it''s just a few minutes," her twin added.


    "It''s the principle of the matter. You are my students now and so will be held to a higher standard. My food will similarly be served at a higher standard," I explained.


    "How does your food get better?"


    "By slowly giving you a bit of my mana to augment your training. You''ll find yourself getting stronger much faster, concepts and techniques that seemed beyond you coming easier."


    "You can do that?"


    "I can do a lot of things."


    "How come you didn''t do this when we were at the club?" Miltia frowned. She then scooped up a small spoonful of egg yolk and let out a sensual moan. Melanie joined her a second later, filling the dorm kitchen with a downright indecent chorus.


    "You weren''t my students then. Now, you''ve dedicated yourselves to fighting for humanity and so deserve more of my attention. I will expect more from you in turn."


    "Okay, why are you two moaning like that?" Amber asked. "I know you have your weird crush-thing but it can''t be that good."


    "Shut up, country girl," Melanie sniped.


    "Yeah, just eat your food and develop an oral fixation like the rest of us," Miltia grumbled.


    "That''s not going to hap-Mnnnn~"


    I rolled my eyes. This was hardly the first time someone did something like this. Even before I ascended, there was that Nakiri woman who burst out of her clothes and dry humped a fire hydrant because she loved my food so much. I was serving cabbage wraps from a food truck in Eastern Europe at the time¡­


    That bitch chased me around for years, trying to get me to marry her daughter or something. It was¡­ It was an experience¡­ I didn''t end up marrying Erina Nakiri, her daughter, despite Mana''s best efforts. Luo Hao took one look at the blonde and dismissed her as "unworthy of becoming a concubine" so that was that.


    It wasn''t all pointless. That whole mess resulted in me teaching at Totsuki for a time, overseeing the education of the next generation of chefs. It was a wonderfully fulfilling experience, one that I wouldn''t mind doing again.


    In any case, I''d long since come to terms with the fact that people were going to climax from my food. It was a natural consequence of "chasing the culinary dao," as my beloved wife put it. I simply took it as a compliment, proof beyond words that my food was being appreciated and (in)appropriately revered.


    "Okay, that''s just wrong," came a voice from the door. Yang Xiao Long had arrived to poke her head in, likely drawn by the sounds of what could pass for a small orgy. She had a towel around her neck and her hair was damp, likely returning from the gym shower.


    "Shut it, bitch. You wish you had food this good," Melanie shot back.


    I shrugged helplessly. "I don''t know why people do this either. It''s perfect shakshuka, but still just shakshuka."


    "It''s orgasmic is what it is."


    "I don''t know. I think my food gives people oral fixations. It''s just something I''ve come to live with."


    Yang stared at the bowl, then at my three teammates, and then back at the stove where the pan sat. Her stomach grumbled loudly in protest. "Yeah¡­ You wouldn''t have any left, would ya?"


    "Nope. I respect Chef Orion here too much to just cook for everyone. He is perfectly capable of serving the masses and I don''t see the point in taking his job."


    "Hah!" Melanie laughed. "Sucker!"


    "Mel, stop being mean."


    "But blondie deserves it."


    "No, she doesn''t. She''s going to be working at the club over the weekend anyway. Leave her alone."


    "Oh, right."


    The twins exchanged evil grins. I''d have to tag along to make sure they didn''t take Yang''s punishment too far.


    Then again, she did bring it on herself¡­


    X


    Despite my words, I decided to take a cue from team RWBY and spend the morning before our first day of class decorating our room. As it stood, our room was spartan in its emptiness. There were four desks, for small dressers, and four beds. Two communal bookshelves lined a wall. Closet space was minimal and we had one shared bathroom.


    That was fine, two of us required virtually zero space. In my case, I had an exquisitely made dimensionally expanded suitcase where I kept all my things. Alice had been very accommodating after I fixed her spiritual imbalance. She gave me a suitcase that could fit a literal house, which I promptly filled with a selection of ingredients, kitchen tools, and a modest library of recipe books and ingredient encyclopedias from all across the Netherworld.


    The only reason it lacked a kitchen was because I like to empower my cooking and the use of an Authority inside the suitcase would overload the spell matrices that managed the space expansion charms, collapsing it all and ruining everything inside. Rather than risk it, I opted to simply not have a kitchen at all. I could easily bully someone for theirs anytime.


    Amber herself had very little to add to the dorm as well. She was a nomad who owned little save her staff and some extra sets of clothes. Her main hobbies included flying and birdwatching, things that required no possessions. She apparently also had a white mare she used to ride but had no idea where she''d run off to.


    So, with little reason to object, we agreed to let the twins have free reign of the room.


    Melanie had seen what team RWBY had done with their beds and had insisted on building our own bunk beds. I checked, theirs were disasters in the making, but the extra space was nice. I provided some metal and had Amber practice by melting eight chunks into shape, forming braces for the bedposts.


    While we did that, the twins filled our communal bookshelves with a surprising number of books.


    "Wow, I didn''t think you two were big into reading," Amber noted idly.


    "And what''s that supposed to mean, country girl?" Melanie said.


    "You keep calling me that but it''s not the insult you think it is. I''m proud of being a country girl. Besides, I mean you two don''t really seem like the academic type."


    "Ehh, you''re not wrong."


    Curious, I gave them a quick glance. "Let''s see¡­ Vampire Academy, Ninjas of Love, Seven Seas Saga¡­ Are these all young adult novels?"


    "What''s wrong with them?" Melanie asked defensively. "I at least read words. Mil just likes comics."


    "Hey, you leave my X-Ray & Vav alone," the red twin said.


    "Nothing''s wrong," I said placatingly. "You can enjoy what you like. Just leave enough room for actual textbooks, okay? We are technically in school."


    "Ugh, bun-bun, that''s boring. Are you going to make us do homework?"


    "I might."


    "Lame."


    "Totes," Melanie joined in the pouting.


    I rolled my eyes and gently flicked their foreheads, making them pout harder. "Too bad. Is this everything? We still have a fair bit of room in the center. Should we look into a coffee table and some lounge chairs?"


    "Can we have more stuff brought up from the club?"


    "I mean¡­ I guess? Depends on what you want."


    "I''m thinking I can grab a small sound system from the club, have our own little karaoke corner."


    "Ooh, and I can have Junior send me my guitar," Miltia added excitedly. She was typically the mellow twin. "It''ll be great!"


    They occasionally sang for the crowds when the mood struck them. They weren''t idols or anything, but they did have a small following among the regulars of the club. Junior didn''t often allow live performances, but it was a good way to add a little variety once in a while.


    I nodded. "That sounds good. Maybe a coffee table with foldout legs so we can tuck it into a corner when you want to play music. That way we can have more surface space."


    "You two can sing?" Amber asked skeptically.


    "Hey, screw you! We''re awesome!" Melanie said defensively.


    "I''m not judging, I just¡­ You''re cooler than I thought."


    "Damn straight, bitch. We get all the boys going."


    "That sounds like it''d be more annoying than flattering."


    "She''s not wrong, Mel," Miltia drawled.


    Her sister scoffed. "Yeah, that''s why we just have the boys throw them out if they get too rowdy."


    "No objections from me," I told them. "Amber?"


    She shrugged. "I don''t mind as long as you''re not blaring music at three in the morning or something."


    "Yes!" the twins cheered, giving each other a high-five.


    They really were like children sometimes.


    X


    "Monsters! Demons! Prowlers of the night!" Professor Port began his lecture. He was a short, squat man with a fantastically groomed mustache and a low, baritone voice that carried well across the classroom.


    Beneath his well-pressed suit, he was dense, built like a stone Buddha rather than the lean, swimmer-like build I often saw among huntsmen. Most huntsmen prioritized speed and agility, but this was a man who favored endurance and explosive strength. It was the kind of strategy that provided no other alternatives should the hunter not be good enough. After all, what happened to a shield that couldn''t take the strain?


    That he was alive and gray spoke volumes of his strength. Despite the exaggerated demeanor he put on to make himself seem like a jovial, bombastic grandpa, I noticed that he walked with the gait of a man used to combat. I didn''t doubt that under the blazer was a body scarred from countless battles.


    Unfortunately, he was also a bit of a blowhard.


    Oh, I didn''t doubt he actually wrestled an ursa or grabbed a deathstalker by the stinger to use as a flail to club its fellows to death. His voice carried a bit too much earnestness to ring false in my ears. Besides, I was a Campione; I''d heard and lived through even more outlandish tales than that.


    Hell, the very first god I killed (on purpose) was a fuck-massive snake big enough to deepthroat skyscrapers. I crawled down its throat, fed it some sangria, and stabbed it to death with a kitchen knife from the inside out.


    Yeah¡­ Maxa''xak hated me big time.


    Professor Peter Port seemed like the kind of man who I''d love to share a beer and swap war stories with. He was a survivor, and that alone made him worthy of respect in my eyes. It was a pity then that Ozpin asked me to keep a relatively low profile.


    This was my perspective, the perspective of a century-old Campione, one who had slain countless gods and carved out his place among the Thirty-Six Heavens of the Taoist pantheon. Where I saw a fellow veteran, most of my fellow students saw a windbag.


    Amber looked like a child who''d found out Santa wasn''t real. She''d come into this class with high hopes, only to find a man who spent most of it sharing war stories. She at least pretended to listen.


    The twins were well and truly gone. They eyed me with looks that promised mutiny if I made them do work for this class. Melanie was on her scroll, playing some platformer game that looked a bit like Super Mario. Miltia was also on her scroll, but had opened up a word processor and begun to write out what looked like the first lines of a poem or song.


    Granted, it started with "Blonde bitches be crazy," but it was something. She saw me looking and flushed red before shutting the scroll off. It was nice; away from the club, I was seeing sides of the twins that I hadn''t known existed.


    Team RWBY was no better. I could see Ruby doodling in the corner as my "sister" chided her in hushed whispers. Yang was all but asleep and Blake had hidden a small novel inside her textbook to read discretely. The catgirl had abandoned her bow, maybe because that chameleon faunus kept reminding her just how stupid her disguise really was.


    "Now, a true hunter must be bold, strong, prepared for anything. Who here thinks they have what it takes?" I heard Port say to the class.


    "I do, professor," Weiss answered with her hand in the air. She''d gotten progressively more annoyed with Ruby''s inattention and looked like she had something to prove.


    What followed was¡­ a disaster.


    She wasn''t the best swordsman I''d ever seen, but she was perfectly adequate, not dissimilar in skill to many of the mage knights I''d known on earth.


    And yet, she acquitted herself atrociously. Her obvious irritation with her team leader bled through in her fighting style, making her forms sloppy and her footing unsure. The boarbatusk, a babirusa-like thing that could roll like Sonic the Hedgehog, slapped her around like a ragdoll. It even managed to disarm her.


    Utterly disappointing. I knew she could do better. I''d seen her do better yesterday during initiation. By the slight frown on Professor Port''s face, he knew as well. He wasn''t blind; he could see the cause for her sloppiness as well as I. Still, when she did manage to kill it, he complimented her and called her a "true huntress in the making."


    After he dismissed us, we were close enough to hear her blow up at Ruby and stomp off.


    "Yikes," Mel muttered. "You sure you wanna adopt that one?"


    "Seriously, Tianyu, she''s kind of a bitch," Mil added with hilarious lack of self-awareness. Though to be fair, the twins had gotten better. Losing a fight to a five foot tall bunny with a wooden spoon on the daily had a way of humbling a person.


    "She''s not that bad," Amber defended her, though it was plain she''d said so for the sake of throwing in a kind word. "I mean¡­ She did kill the boarbatusk in the end."


    I nodded. Contrary to their expectations, I didn''t feel the need to stick my nose in here. It wasn''t as if I''d decided to "adopt" her because she was useful to me, quite the opposite. I led us towards our next class, history with Dr. Oobleck. "She''s fine the way she is, guys."


    "She is? I mean, I don''t mean to speak ill of her, but she''s¡­"


    "A mess? Yeah, I agree. She''s smart, refined, disciplined, and knowledgeable because she grew up in an environment that mandated excellence. Is that right?" I asked the twins.


    "Ehh, pretty much. Jacques Schnee''s a colossal shitheel. Like, internationally renowned for his douchebaggery. I can see him demanding perfection from his kids. That doesn''t change the fact that she''s an arrogant brat though," Melanie said with a shrug.


    "She is. She probably thinks she should be team leader. Or wants to be put on someone else''s team. I bet she went to either Ozpin or Goodwitch to ask for a transfer."


    "So you''re not going to butt in?"


    "What? Do I look like I have that kind of free time?"


    "Yes," all three chorused.


    "Well, I''m not and I don''t. I''m sure the teachers are perfectly capable of straightening her out. In the end, Weiss isn''t the kind of person who should lead a team, whether that''s RWBY or some other, because she''s incapable of inspiring others. That might change someday, but she needs a harsh lesson in the moment."


    Amber hummed in thought and nodded slowly. "And¡­ You think that Ruby girl can?"


    "I do. Ruby is genuinely altruistic, passionate, and kind. Even putting aside her heritage, she is someone who makes others want to believe in her. She''s got room to grow, don''t get me wrong, but the potential is there."


    "That''s high praise coming from you, bun-bun," Miltia mused.


    I nodded in agreement as we took our seats. "It is, and I''ll be most cross with her should she disappoint me."


    Author''s Note


    If you get the Oddjob reference, please join me in a moment of silence for our bygone youth.


    Naturally, explosive foodgasms are also a thing.


    Random bunny fact? Sure.


    Rabbits don''t eat carrots or other root vegetables in the wild. They''re just not part of a rabbit''s natural diet. Their high sugar content means too much is actually bad for the bunny.


    In fact, a rabbit''s diet should consist of roughly 80% hay (such as alfalfa), 15% fresh vegetables (leafy greens), and only 5% good quality pellets/pet food. Carrots should only be an occasional treat.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 19

    Homeless Bunny 19


    Tianyu Yue


    I hummed merrily as I pounded corn kernels into fine powder in a large molcajete, a traditional Mexican mortar and pestle. It weighed more than a hundred pounds and the pestle could easily be used as a club. It was also more than a century old.


    I¡¯d had the thing made when I visited Mexico for Annie¡¯s twenty-second birthday bash. I found a volcanic outcrop, dug down until the bedrock, and quarried the hunk of rock myself. Then I traded seasoning tips with a group of old abuelas to get the ideal color and sheen. The thing still worked like a dream today, each use adding to the complexity of flavor.


    Beacon had blenders of course. I didn¡¯t need to make my own corn flour this way. But why wouldn¡¯t I? We were done with class and there was something to be said for traditional tamales.


    It was remarkably easy to decorate the center expanse of our room. The twins texted Junior, he had their things wrapped by the time class let out, and I made a quick hop to Vale to go get them. The round trip took ten minutes, and only because I stopped to make Junior a cup of coffee.


    Next to me, my partner leaned against my back with her crimson guitar on her lap. She gently plucked at the strings, matching her strumming to the steady grinding of my pestle. Across the room, Melanie read some trashy bodice-ripper while Amber watched something on the news.


    We could be training; we had time. Beacon had a small number of core classes because this was a vocational school. In the same way a school program for air traffic controllers didn¡¯t need to teach advanced biochem, many classes had been stripped down or specialized to better instruct huntsmen.


    And yet, I couldn¡¯t bring myself to disturb our moment of tranquility. The twins had mellowed out around Amber. I wouldn¡¯t call them friends, but they looked like they¡¯d get along well enough to not start a cat fight the moment I turned my back.


    It was the first day. I could cut us some slack.


    Our silence was interrupted by a loud gasp from Amber. She pulled off her earphones and floated over. The way her eyes flickered from her scroll to me, then to the corn in my bowl told me I probably wouldn¡¯t like it.


    I sighed and bit the bullet. ¡°Yes, Amber? What¡¯s going on?¡±


    ¡°Just watch this,¡± she said.


    She held out the scroll for us to see and turned up the volume. There was Lisa Lavender, the darling belle of Vale News Network. She was once again in her studio, the emblem of the White Fang projected behind her.


    ¡°This just in, the White Fang may be supplying their food shortages by raiding local farms. An alleged operative stripped a cornfield bare before leaving behind a dozen vials of an unknown drug in ¡®payment,¡¯¡± she said, curling her fingers in mocking apostrophes. ¡°We have Violet Dupree on-site with the latest.¡±


    The camera then toggled out to a familiar farm, where the man I¡¯d met last night stood with some young reporter.


    ¡°Thanks, Lavender,¡± she said. She waved to the field to her right. Sure enough, it was the exact same field I¡¯d ¡°purchased¡± my ingredients from. She thrust the mic in the farmer¡¯s face. ¡°As you can see, the entire cornfield has been stripped bare. Mr. Hughes, can you tell us what happened last night?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s the darndest thing. So I was sleeping with the missus, right? Then at one in the morning, there¡¯s a polite little knock on my door. Well, I can never be sure these days, so I opened the door with a shotgun. There was this little rabbit faunus fella, who, polite as could be, asked if he could have some of my corn husks.¡±


    ¡°Corn¡­ husks¡­?¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s right. Now, I thought it was a prank, maybe some of his buddies would be out back trying to tip my cows or something, but nope. We argued a bit, he told me he wanted to give me these all-cures or whatever, and then the next thing I knew, I was waking up on my couch and he was gone.¡±


    ¡°I see. And your harvest is gone now?¡±


    ¡°No, no. The little fella was true to his word. All the corn was shucked and stored in my silo, just like I¡¯d do it myself. The husks though? They were gone.¡±


    ¡°What about this payment he promised?¡±


    ¡°Oh, those, I couldn¡¯t trust them, you see. When I called the cops, I gave it to them so they could figure out what all was in the little green vials.¡±


    ¡°You heard it here, Lisa. Back to you.¡±


    The camera turned back to the studio. She wasn¡¯t alone. Seated next to her was a man in a police uniform, a ten-gallon hat set authoritatively in front of him.


    ¡°Thank you, Violet. With me here is Detective Powers of the Vale Police Department to offer his expert opinion. Detective, what do you think is going on? Has the VPD confirmed that this is White Fang activity?¡±


    Detective Powers twirled his mustache, almost as impressive as Port¡¯s. ¡°While we cannot conclusively say so at this time, nor can we reject the possibility. We are investigating with all the seriousness this deserves. If this is indeed White Fang activity, this represents a great escalation in their operations, likely headed by an elite agent of theirs who recently snuck into the city.¡±


    ¡°An elite agent? Please elaborate.¡±


    ¡°Months prior, a rabbit faunus posing as a traveler assaulted two of the gate guards before leaping into the city with a movement-enhancing Semblance. He had snow-white hair and crimson eyes, but had never been cataloged before despite his obvious criminal actions and recognizable face. That suggests a degree of skill that is only seen at the highest levels of the Fang leadership.¡±


    A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.


    I stared slack-jawed at the scroll. This fucker¡­ He¡­ He was calling me a terrorist! I left a dozen panaceas and I was a terrorist! Me! Again!


    The twins looked at my stupefied face and promptly bust out laughing.


    ¡°Furthermore, though he was never apprehended, all charges on this individual were dropped. The case against him was closed through orders from up top without any explanation provided beyond that he had a ¡®character witness,¡¯¡± he said derisively. Ozpin. Ozpin had closed the files when I moved to Beacon. ¡°As if a rat bastard criminal could have a valid character witness. But now the case is open again. It¡¯s clear that he¡¯s laid low until now but we¡¯ll get to the bottom of those plans!¡±


    ¡°But Detective Powers, when approached, Mr. Hughes stated for the record that nothing of worth was stolen, just the corn husks, and that he was not pressing charges. In fact, he said that his harvest was ahead of schedule thanks to this mysterious rabbit faunus.¡±


    ¡°Bah! Hogwash! You think the White Fang could be trusted to do something good for the hardworking farmers? Mark my words. Those drugs we confiscated were his attempt at getting the farmer addicted, pushing a new product.¡±


    ¡°Why though? The White Fang has never peddled narcotics before.¡±


    ¡°And that¡¯s why I¡¯m saying this is an escalation in their operations! The Fang are eyeing the city¡¯s food supply and they sent a lone elite to show us how bad things could get. You¡¯ll see. After this comes the threat. They¡¯ll have the city cave to their demands.¡±


    Lisa looked concerned now. Whether this was because she thought he was an idiot or because she was starting to buy his bullshit, I didn¡¯t know. ¡°Detective Powers, do we know he is the same rabbit faunus as before?¡±


    ¡°Snow-white hair. Red eyes. Short enough to be in middle school. Oh, yeah, that¡¯s him.¡±


    Amber shut off the scroll. She looked at the corn in my molcajete and then at me. I could tell by the way her mouth twitched upward that she was stifling a laugh. Still, she managed to keep a mostly placid face and raise an eyebrow in mocking question.


    ¡°So, team leader,¡± she drawled, ¡°would you like to tell us something?¡±


    <div>


    <div>


    ¡°He¡¯s a hack!¡± I shouted.


    ¡°Hahahaha, you¡¯re a terrorist again, bun-bun,¡± Melanie cackled. ¡°And an ¡®elite White Fang operative¡¯ too. Hahahaha, and you even got Ozpin to drop those charges too!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m starting to think you¡¯re doing this on purpose, Tianyu,¡± Miltia said.


    ¡°I¡¯m not,¡± I growled. ¡°I took something from the farmer so I sped up his harvest. I even gave him twelve vials of panacea. Why the hell would he give them away?¡±


    ¡°Why would he know what a panacea is? Actually, what is a panacea?¡±


    ¡°An all-cure. Any disease. Any injury. One sip will fix it. Two sips will keep the illness from coming back for cases like cancer.¡±


    ¡°Wait, you had something like that in your pocket?¡±


    ¡°Yes? It¡¯s not a big deal. The guy said he had a bum leg. I figured I¡¯d give him something to fix that, and a little bit extra on the side.¡±


    ¡°I¡­ Never mind, I give up,¡± my partner sighed in defeat. ¡°So what are you going to do now, Mr. Terrorist?¡±


    I promptly licked my finger and shoved it in her ear. ¡°Not a terrorist, you brat. I¡­ I don¡¯t know¡­ I mean, I guess I could go and beat up the poli-¡±


    ¡°NO,¡± Amber stressed. ¡°You are not beating up the police because of one racist detective.¡±


    Melanie laughed. ¡°You know, that could be funny. Maybe even good for business if we tell Junior beforehand. So long as he knows about it, I¡¯m sure he¡¯ll find a way to take advantage of the situation.¡±


    Her twin nodded. ¡°Yup. That sounds like Junior. Go for it, bun-bun.¡±


    I rolled my eyes. ¡°Really? Your friend and beloved team leader is going through a moment of emotional crisis and you¡¯re thinking about how to best use this for your gang?¡±


    ¡°Ehh, you¡¯ll be fine. You¡¯re invincible.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I think you¡¯re more annoyed than anything.¡±


    ¡°You two are the devils on my shoulder,¡± I said with a sigh. ¡°One of you is supposed to be an angel, you know.¡±


    ¡°No way, that¡¯s boring.¡±


    ¡°Totes. Beat up the po-po.¡±


    ¡°Begin a reign of terror across the Vale.¡±


    ¡°Conquer them all. Show them what a real terrorist is like.¡±


    Then the wind picked up suddenly despite the windows being closed. The twins yelped as they floated helplessly into the air. Amber stared them down with all the authority of a Maiden of legend. ¡°You will not encourage our team leader into destroying the city.¡±


    I chuckled and gently took each twin by the hand before tugging them to the ground. ¡°Ah, so you''re my angel then. It''s a good thing my angel can win outnumbered. What do you think I should do?¡±


    ¡°Stop doing things that can be terribly misunderstood or used by someone with an agenda,¡± she chided. ¡°I mean, what did you think would happen if you left some farmer a box of drugs in the middle of the night?¡±


    ¡°Potions,¡± I protested, ¡°and I left a note!¡±


    ¡°Yes, because midnight visitors are sooo trustworthy. Why did you really do this? There had to have been a better way.¡±


    ¡°I was bored¡­ I thought it¡¯d be funny to leave something nice for him.¡±


    ¡°And it got blown out of hand because he, like a sensible person, called the cops to investigate rather than drink a mysterious liquid,¡± she said exasperatedly. ¡°I¡¯m starting to think you¡¯re lacking in the common sense department.¡±


    I gasped. ¡°You take that back. I have common sense. Right, girls?¡±


    The twins avoided making eye contact. ¡°Nope.¡±


    ¡°Not one bit.¡±


    ¡°Like, if common sense was a place, you wouldn¡¯t be on the same planet.¡±


    ¡°Tianyu is Tianyu. Tianyu¡¯s Tianyu-ness defies logic.¡±


    I sighed and slumped against Miltia. ¡°You three are ganging up on me.¡±


    ¡°Then stop doing stupid things,¡± Amber said. ¡°At least promise us you¡¯ll go talk to me or Ozpin.¡±


    ¡°All I wanted was to make some tamales¡­¡±


    X


    Adam Taurus


    The door burst open and one of my men, a rat faunus who was in charge of communications, rushed into my office. ¡°Boss, boss, you gotta see this.¡±


    He held out a scroll for me and I played the recording on it. It was some racist detective going off about faunus. Vale wasn¡¯t as bad as Atlas, but corrupt police like him weren¡¯t exactly uncommon either. ¡°What is this?¡±


    ¡°Just watch until the end.¡±


    I did. It was¡­ enlightening. I leaned back into my chair to think. Did we have any rabbit faunus in our ranks? I couldn¡¯t think of any off the top of my head. They tended to be skittish. Not cowardly, but passive. Their animal traits bled over in some ways and most weren¡¯t suited for this line of work. They were often brothers and sisters who supported the Fang in subtler ways.


    But there were always exceptions. An elite operative? Was that possible? A rabbit faunus would certainly be unexpected. Could this one be one of Sienna¡¯s?


    My communications officer looked at me with an excited grin. ¡°That¡¯s awesome! I didn¡¯t even know we had this going on in the background! Are we going to send a demand? Maybe hit a few more farms to let them really feel the heat? Since when did we have a drug trade?¡±


    ¡°Classified,¡± I grunted. ¡°Anyone else see this?¡±


    ¡°Who hasn¡¯t? The Fang hasn¡¯t moved like this since we started building up our forces. It¡¯s got the boys real excited. They¡¯re already trying to come up with names for him. White Rabbit? White Shadow? Something like that.¡±


    ¡°Fine. Tell Banesaw to keep things quiet. This comes from the top.¡±


    ¡°You got it, boss. You know you can trust me.¡±


    He gave a haphazard salute and sauntered off. The moment the door closed, I was reaching for my scroll. Who was he? Since when did we have plans for Vale¡¯s food supplies? Or a drug trade? We were freedom fighters, not one of Mistra¡¯s cartels.


    If this was one of Sienna¡¯s, I should¡¯ve heard about it yesterday. ¡°What the fuck is going on?¡±


    Author''s Note


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 20

    Homeless Bunny 20


    Tianyu Yue


    In the end, I decided I wouldn¡¯t be going on a one man crusade against the corrupt policemen of Vale. Amber, reasonably, pointed out that it wouldn¡¯t be right to hold them all responsible for one idiotic talking head. Worse, if I pulled his entrails out of his anus, I¡¯d only be validating everything he said about me.


    I¡¯d be a terrorist in truth, someone who incited fear among the populace for the sake of a political agenda. Or, that¡¯s what Fortuna told me it meant. Apparently the world had a very specific definition in political science.


    That didn¡¯t stop me from getting back at him in more subtle ways. That was why, after a lovely dinner of street tacos made by yours truly, I¡¯d decided on a quick walk through the Emerald Forest.


    ¡°Tianyu?¡±


    ¡°Yes, Amber?¡±


    ¡°Why are we out in the Emerald Forest again?¡±


    I shrugged nonchalantly. ¡°You? I¡¯m not sure. You could have stayed back with the twins. I¡¯m out here for revenge.¡±


    She let out an exaggerated sigh. ¡°I was afraid you¡¯d say that. You promised not to do anything.¡±


    ¡°Correction: I promised not to hurt him or take out my annoyance on anyone else. Those are very specific promises.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m afraid to ask but fine, I¡¯ll bite. What are you going to do?¡±


    ¡°Did you come out here just to make sure I wouldn¡¯t go off on a murder spree?¡±


    ¡°No? I don¡¯t think you¡¯ll actually kill anyone, but I don¡¯t want you to make things worse by doing something drastic.¡±


    I nodded. I placed a warm hand on her shoulder. ¡°You¡¯re a good person, Amber.¡±


    She flushed, ¡°I¡¯m not. You just worry me sometimes.¡±


    ¡°Have some faith in your team leader. I¡¯m not a monster.¡±


    ¡°Fine, I¡¯ll try. Go on then, leader. What are you going to do?¡±


    I smirked. ¡°Well, the big problem with getting back at that asshole is that anything I do will make the faunus look bad and validate what he¡¯s saying about me, right?¡±


    ¡°And you might upset your ¡®little sister,¡¯¡± Amber pointed out. Which¡­ was a fair point. I was trying to help Weiss. Being an overt tyrant about this would ruin what rapport I¡¯d built with her, especially considering her family¡¯s history with the White Fang. I couldn¡¯t act publicly.


    I truly was grateful for Amber. She was quickly turning into the voice of reason on Team Tamale. Without her, I doubted I¡¯d have considered Weiss at all. I had some general plans, half-baked ideas, really, but those could have gone up in smoke had I allowed the twins to goad me into something because we found it funny.


    ¡°You¡¯re right. I need to act with a bit more tact in this case. I won¡¯t go rampaging across Vale because some dumbass took a shot at me,¡± I promised. I dug into my enchanted bag and pulled out one street taco, one made exclusively of vegan options just for this purpose. Really, it was more of a garden spring roll than anything. ¡°Now, that doesn¡¯t mean I¡¯m not going to make his life miserable.¡±


    Amber¡¯s brow rose in disapproval. Despite this, she couldn¡¯t help the curious gleam in her eyes. ¡°With food?¡±


    ¡°By anointing a proxy. I am a Campione, the Seventh King. I don¡¯t need to go out of my way to kick every yipping dog.¡± So saying, I turned my gaze to the forest beyond and raised my voice. ¡°Child of the forest, child beloved by the moon, come. Come that I might anoint you to a higher purpose. Come and receive the blessings of your king.¡±


    My words rang throughout the clearing. My magic echoed throughout, carried upon the evening breeze like the fragrance of wildflowers. It was the proclamation of a king, the king of rabbits who reigned from the Lunar Palace. It would be obeyed.


    Sure enough, we didn¡¯t have to wait long for a bunny to arrive. It was a small, cute thing, with black hair and brown eyes.


    ¡°Aww, so cute. What? Are you going to drown him in cuddles?¡±


    ¡°Hush, you. Just watch.¡±


    I held out the enchanted street taco. I¡¯d made sure to bless it with the same gifts I¡¯d bestowed upon Don Fluffles once upon a time. Said blessing had allowed her to rival the greatest superheroes of my world and defeat seasoned mage-knights in single combat with embarrassing ease.


    Though my primary Authority was diminished, even half of what she had would be more than sufficient for his task. After all, not all my Authorities were tied to the moon.


    Then, as my new familiar gorged himself on this treat, I placed a hand upon him and began to chant.


    ¡°The soul is bound by but one word. The heart kindled by a whisper in the wind. Hear the ode to your life and death. All that is woven in the Grand Tapestry lies at the tip of my tongue, the Power of the Name!¡±


    The rabbit shone with a brilliant golden light. The light wove itself into intricate hieroglyphs before settling in the shape of a sun disc held between a cow¡¯s horns. This was the symbol of Isis, the mother of Horus, Protector of Pharaohs. She was revered as the goddess of medicine and magic and had manifested above New York when the Metropolitan Museum of Art raided one of her temples for an exhibit.


    She had been an absolute bitch to fight. Not only was she an immensely powerful sorceress, she was devilishly cunning. She¡¯d also held a bit of the sun¡¯s light, a direct counter to my own, lunar-based Authorities. I¡¯d won in the end, but not without scars. It wasn¡¯t until sixty years later in the netherworld that she apologized for her actions in the mortal plane.


    As I watched, a reed pen formed in my hand out of the same golden light. The Power of the Name referenced Isis¡¯ legend of usurpation, in which she coaxed Ra into telling her his true name and in doing so, paved the way for her son Horus to reign.


    If I wrote someone¡¯s name onto the sun disc, I could steal from them, whoever it was, whatever it was. I¡¯d used it in the past to directly rob Authorities from heretic gods.


    But that wasn¡¯t all this Authority could do. It wasn¡¯t like Isis¡¯ mastery of true names was restricted to divine kleptomania. In the event that a creature had no name, I could name them myself. In doing so, a bit of my mana would be imparted onto them, uplifting them with human-like intelligence and speech. Paired with the Peach Blossom Alchemy, this little bunny would be a menace.


    I heard Amber gasp in wonder. As I understood it, magic in this world tended to be strictly elemental. Though Amber had plenty of power in her own right, she¡¯d likely never seen anything like this before.


    If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.


    ¡°Say, Amber?¡±


    ¡°Y-Yeah?¡±


    ¡°What should we call this bunny?¡±


    ¡°Oh, you¡¯re asking me?¡±


    ¡°Why not? For the record, I named my last bunny Don Fluffles.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s adorable. Should we stick with the mafia theme?¡±


    ¡°Hmm, I suppose that¡¯s fine. I have a don. The don is the head of the famiglia. There can only be one don,¡± I muttered to myself. ¡°What is the rank beneath a don? An underboss? Underboss Thumper?¡±


    ¡°That doesn¡¯t sound right,¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s too long.¡±


    ¡°Capo Cottontail?¡±


    ¡°Well¡­ I like the alliteration, but it¡¯s still a mouthful. How about Capo Cuddles?¡±


    I snorted in laughter and scribbled the name onto the sun disc. ¡°I love it. Rise, Capo Cuddles, first of the Moonlit Famiglia on Remnant.¡±


    My magic swirled around him. Isis¡¯ golden sigil broke apart into motes of light and sank into his midnight fur. As the light was absorbed into his body, he grew and grew until he was as large as a retriever.


    ¡°Capo Cuddles, do you understand your purpose?¡± I asked, doing my best to stifle my giggles.


    ¡°Aye, godfather. Some dirty pig¡¯s been talking shit,¡± he said gruffly. ¡°Ya want me to go break his kneecaps?¡±


    ¡°What? No!¡± Amber gasped. She whirled on me with a look conflicted with betrayal and laughter. ¡°You¡¯re not going to go assault the detective!¡±


    ¡°Ey, godfather, this is why women shouldn¡¯t be in this line of work. No mettle, ya know? No grit.¡±


    ¡°What? You-¡±


    ¡°Look here, doll, sometimes, ya gotta dig through shit if ya want the carrot.¡±


    ¡°Doll?¡± she whispered dangerously. The wind stilled until an eerie calm descended upon the clearing. ¡°I¡¯ll show you grit, you upjumped-¡±


    I coughed to get their attention. Truthfully? I wasn¡¯t sure who¡¯d win if the two fought. ¡°Enough, no fighting. Capo Cuddles, this is your first big job. You are to consider this a stealth mission. Do not be discovered. You will not assault anyone. Your goal is not to harm Detective Powers in any way. Instead, you are going to do everything in your power to make his life as inconvenient as possible. Do you understand?¡±


    Capo Cuddles thought about that for a minute. His hind leg began to thump against the grass as a distinctly malicious grin crossed his face. ¡°Heh, I hear ya, godfather. You¡¯re playing the long game, eh? I can do that.¡±


    ¡°Good. Go.¡±


    Then, Capo Cuddles all but vanished into a blur, his speed and dark fur more than enough to blend in with the shadows.


    Did I create a divine beast for the sole purpose of getting back at a shit-talking detective? Yes.


    Was it petty as fuck? Yes.


    I didn¡¯t care. I wasn¡¯t a terrorist, damn it!


    X


    Amber Gale


    ¡°You won¡¯t believe what Tianyu did,¡± I said as I walked into the gym. Our fluffy team leader said he¡¯d start training the twins tomorrow, but that didn¡¯t mean they didn¡¯t have their own routines.


    I was mildly surprised to find them here, sparring against one another on the practice mats. There were a few more people here, but the twins had managed to secure one of the private rooms for themselves. They were more diligent than their attitudes implied. Then again, they were bodyguards and assassins. Physical fitness was probably a mandatory part of their jobs.


    ¡°What are you-Hey!¡± Melanie turned to face me, but yelped as her twin snuck a quick jab into her shoulder. That slight moment of surprise let her get in two more punches and a knee between the legs, sending the white twin sprawling to the ground. She moaned in pain as she waited for her aura to kick in. It could ease the pain but would do nothing for her wounded pride. ¡°Oh, you bitch.¡±


    ¡°Your fault for getting distracted,¡± Miltia said smugly as she pretended to study her nails. ¡°So, what¡¯s up, country girl?¡±


    ¡°Ugh. Yeah, what¡¯d our fearless leader do now?¡±


    ¡°Wow, you¡¯re vicious,¡± I said. ¡°That was¡­¡±


    ¡°Cheap? Dirty? Yeah, Miltia¡¯s a bitch like that,¡± Melanie grumbled, tenderly sitting up.


    The red twin scoffed. ¡°As if you wouldn¡¯t do the same. Look, country girl, the only rule we have is that there are no rules. No one gives a damn about fighting fair when your life¡¯s on the line.¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s right. Scratch eyes. Bite. Throw dirt. Kick her in the cunt. We decided everything is fair game as long as we both get to come home in the end.¡±


    My mind wandered to the three who¡¯d assaulted me a few months back. Had I fought with the intent to kill from the very beginning, could I have beaten them? I knew now that one had an illusionary Semblance, but I¡¯d overcome it for a time. Hell, I¡¯d almost killed the green one before I literally got stabbed in the back. I¡¯d gotten serious far too late in the game.


    ¡°I understand,¡± I told them. ¡°I think I wouldn¡¯t have needed Tianyu¡¯s help if I''d been more ruthless. I don¡¯t think that¡¯s for me though. I don¡¯t want to be the kind of person who jumps straight to killing.¡±


    The white twin shrugged. ¡°You get to say that because you¡¯re strong. You have literal fucking magic on your side so you can afford to be nice.¡±


    ¡°Not always,¡± I admitted. ¡°I almost died. No, I did die. I had my soul split in half. If that isn¡¯t death, I don¡¯t know what is.¡±


    ¡°So get better,¡± the red one said with a nonchalant shrug. Despite her dismissive tone, there was an unnerving intensity in her eyes. ¡°Mercy is the luxury of the strong. You want to be a good girl? Fine, get stronger. So strong that leaving your enemies alive won¡¯t matter because there¡¯s no way in hell they¡¯ll become threats.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s a lot harder than it sounds,¡± I said with a wry smile.


    ¡°Is it? You have magic. Real magic, not a Semblance,¡± Melanie said with absolute certainty. ¡°There was a time not long ago when we would have killed you for the Maiden powers. Miltia and I would have jumped you and slit your throat, probably in bed or when you¡¯re in the shower, just so one of us could have your power.¡±


    ¡°A-And now?¡±


    ¡°Now we have something more to look forward to. You¡¯re strong, stronger than damn near anyone else in the world, but Tianyu¡¯s stronger. And he promised to make us strong too.¡±


    ¡°Your power can only go to one person,¡± Miltia added. ¡°Tianyu? Whatever bullshit he¡¯s doing? It¡¯s for both of us.¡±


    I realized then. I¡¯d always figured they were close, but it struck me in that moment just how deeply they cared for each other. ¡°You really love each other, don¡¯t you?¡±


    The pair of them scoffed identically, perfect mirrors of one another. Then they locked eyes and shared some secret message that made them smile.


    Melanie snorted. ¡°Miltia¡¯s a bitch.¡±


    ¡°Like you¡¯re one to talk,¡± Miltia shot back.


    ¡°But she¡¯s my bitch,¡± the two said as one.


    We shared a comfortable moment of silence between us. They were acerbic and cruel, petty and impulsive, but they were more than they seemed. I thought, in that moment, I could maybe see why Tianyu had decided to take them under his wing.


    ¡°So, what¡¯d our fluffy overlord do now?¡± Melanie asked.


    ¡°Oh, right! Okay, you¡¯re not going to believe this¡­¡±


    The three of us chatted long into the evening. The idea that there was a Moonlit Famliglia now had the twins rolling on the ground laughing. That there was apparently a ¡°Don Fluffles¡± who stood above ¡°Capo Cuddles¡± had us in a moment of silent prayer for the people of Tianyu¡¯s world.


    After catching them up on the single most amazing use of magic I¡¯d ever witnessed, I tried my hand at sparring¡­ and promptly had my ass kicked. Without resorting to magic, I was only a moderately competent fighter. I didn¡¯t think I was strictly worse than either twin, but I found it nearly impossible to deal with their underhanded tactics. They poked at my eyes, pulled my hair, and fought like drowning cats.


    We were a mess of bruises by the end of it. I¡¯d gotten the hang of their fighting style as we went on and gotten in a few good hits of my own. The three of us lied on the ground, trying to catch our breaths.


    ¡°You know Tianyu is going to make this feel like a morning jog?¡± Miltia said.


    ¡°Don¡¯t remind me,¡± Melanie grumbled. ¡°Brothers, we¡¯re so fucked.¡±


    ¡°Mage, I¡¯ll be off practicing my ¡®Semblance,¡¯ thanks,¡± I said, not a little smugly.


    ¡°Bitch.¡±


    ¡°Brat.¡±


    ¡°Heh. You¡¯re alright, country girl.¡±


    Surprisingly, I was starting to feel the same way about these two.


    Author''s Note


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 21

    Homeless Bunny 21


    Tianyu Yue


    In the end, making sure the bottles of panacea weren¡¯t wasted was as simple as a text message to Ozpin. The man had a ridiculous amount of pull in the city and having them be taken from evidence to a secure hospital was a simple matter.


    I was still a domestic terrorist though. Apparently, there wasn¡¯t much he could do about the court of public opinion.


    I put my questionable criminal status out of mind in favor of staring down my adorable minions. ¡°Right, are you ready for our first team training session?¡±


    ¡°Yay¡­¡± Melanie cheered unenthusiastically. ¡°This is going to hurt, isn¡¯t it?¡±


    ¡°Obviously. It¡¯s Tianyu. Of course this is going to hurt,¡± Miltiades sighed, already resigned to suffering in the name of progress.


    ¡°Ugh, this team should come with hazard pay.¡±


    ¡°Totes.¡±


    ¡°Quit whining, you two,¡± I chided. I pulled out an old, weathered scroll. Or, it looked old anyway; Laura may have spilled coffee on it when she first read it. ¡°I even have a super secret foot technique I developed personally for rookies.¡±


    ¡°A foot technique? Like kicks? That¡¯s only helpful for Melanie,¡± Miltia pointed out.


    ¡°No, not kicks. This one¡¯s a movement technique. In fact, it¡¯s the most basic movement technique that eventually graduates to my personal martial art, the Lunar Revel.¡±


    ¡°Really? So learning it will mean we¡¯ll be as strong as you one day?¡±


    ¡°Nope, I¡¯m a Campione. I¡¯m¡­ kind of a freak of nature. Actually, now that you mention it, having received help from the Peach Blossom Alchemy might preclude you from ever becoming a Campione¡­ Not sure what mom would say about that to be honest. But as strong as Laura? Sure.¡±


    ¡°We have no idea who that is, bun-bun.¡±


    ¡°Laura Kinney, my first apprentice and the sous chef of the Lunar Palace. She used to be a part of an old project to create supersoldiers, escaped, and ran into me. Long story short, she¡¯s basically immortal now and inherited Baihu¡¯s spirit.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s a Baihu? You know you explaining things only leaves us with more questions, right?¡±


    I sighed. She had a point. They had no frame of reference for any of this. ¡°Laura¡¯s a catgirl now. Well, White Tiger of the West, but close enough.¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it. Back to the foot technique. My wife, Luo Hao, finally accepted that I¡¯m a martial master in my own right when I created the Lunar Revel. I mean, she still hands me my ass, but you know, Luo Hao. She told me that now that I had my own martial art, I should create some guidebooks for any future acolytes I might have. This is one of them.¡±


    ¡°Cool, lay it on us, bun-bun.¡± I tossed her the scroll. She glanced at it and coughed. ¡°¡®Moon Bunny¡¯s Hippest Hops: The idiot¡¯s guide to bunny hopping?¡¯ You¡¯re fucking with us.¡±


    ¡°Mil, he named our team after food. What were you expecting?¡± Melanie said, exasperated.


    ¡°Yeah¡­ I don¡¯t know about this one.¡±


    ¡°And there was the Moon Bunny Combat Arts or whatever. Rabbit Eating Hawk or something?¡±


    ¡°Hawk Eating Rabbit,¡± I corrected, trying not to giggle. It was always fun watching people react to the stupid names I gave my techniques. ¡°And I¡¯ll have you know, bunny hopping is a time-honored tradition. It greatly improves your dexterity, sense of balance, and leg strength, all while providing a full body workout.¡±


    ¡°Tianyu, we have aura. We¡¯re not going to get tired because we do some calisthenics.¡±


    ¡°Which is why you get to work out in increased gravity.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    With a shit-eating grin, I tapped the ground beneath me. The golden sigil that marked my ¡°Semblance¡± bloomed beneath our feet, before turning a deep indigo hue. I was of the moon, and the moon had historically been associated with several concepts: purification, illumination of secrets, the ocean, and of course, gravity.


    Three pairs of knees hit the ground with dull thuds as the pull of the world spiked steeply. It wasn¡¯t my most powerful domain, but providing a good training area was well within my abilities. After all, what could be lightened could also be reversed.


    ¡°Read the scroll,¡± I told them. ¡°You¡¯ll have to get used to moving. I expect proper form from you three.¡±


    That made Amber look at me with betrayal. ¡°Wait, me too? I¡¯m a mage, you know. I can skip this, right?¡±


    ¡°Nope. Good physical conditioning is the basis of any decent mage-knight.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not a mage-knight!¡±


    ¡°Yet.¡±


    X


    The cafeteria was filled with the rich aroma of my tamales. I¡¯d come to an agreement with Chef Orion. So long as I shared the recipe with him, he agreed that I could take over lunch preparations today. Finally, the great injustice my team suffered at the hands of ignorance would be corrected today.


    ¡°¡®What¡¯s a tamale?¡¯¡± I muttered under my breath. ¡°Fucking unbelievable. Stupid backwards-ass society. Stupid ignoramus kid.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re really offended by that, huh, fluffy?¡± Melanie asked.


    ¡°Yes! No! It¡¯s the principle of the matter. That stupid comment is symptomatic is what it is. It¡¯s proof that Remnant is a culinary desert and it¡¯s my divine right and duty to correct it.¡±


    ¡°Sure, fine, you¡¯re a chef. We get it. Just one question.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°Why are we serving lunch?¡±


    ¡°Because I¡¯m your team leader and we, as Team Tamale, must enlighten the uncultured masses.¡±


    The girls rolled their eyes in synchronicity. Even Amber, the mildest of them. Traitor.


    Then again, their bodies were still trembling from the workout so perhaps a bit of misplaced resentment was forgivable.


    Truly, I was a most gracious and forgiving bunny.


    ¡°I¡¯ve made three different fillings,¡± I told them, pointing out each enormous steamer basket. Any one of them could have fit a small child, or me, curled up. ¡°Now, traditionally, they were filled with any kind of meat the native peoples could get their hands on. Turkey, fish, frog, gopher-¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re kidding. These aren¡¯t actually filled with frog, are they?¡± Militia asked, nose turned up.


    ¡°No, but frog really isn¡¯t that bad. Tastes just like chicken, which is what that one is filled with.¡±


    ¡°Tianyu, that isn¡¯t very reassuring, you know. Are you sure it¡¯s chicken?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. It went ¡®ribbit¡¯ but flapped around,¡± I said sarcastically. ¡°Of course it¡¯s chicken. The one Mel¡¯s holding has pork in it. Amber¡¯s also has pork, but also with butterfish and chicken because I couldn¡¯t get my mind off Hawaiian lau lau while making this. It¡¯s pretty experimental, but I think it should be fine.¡±


    ¡°Pork¡­ fish¡­ and chicken¡­ in one package?¡±


    ¡°Yup. It¡¯s pretty good, though traditional lau lau is cooked in taro leaves and I had to Macgyver a spice mix to better fit the corn dough. Save one of each for yourselves because I made plenty.¡±


    ¡°Ehh, at least it gets us out of class,¡± Miltia mused as she grabbed three tamales for herself.


    Amber frowned. ¡°Not that I¡¯m complaining, but how does this get us out of class? We¡¯re still technically students, right?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re right,¡± I nodded.


    ¡°And?¡±


    ¡°And I am a Campione. Ergo, your argument is invalid.¡±


    ¡°You bullied Ozpin, didn¡¯t you?¡±


    ¡°I did no such thing.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t buy it.¡±


    ¡°Same,¡± the twins chorused. The girls really were starting to mesh well, at least when it came to doubting their glorious leader.


    ¡°I bribed him with coffee,¡± I told them. Really, what kind of uncultured musclehead did they think I was?


    ¡°Oh, never mind. That I believe.¡±


    Then the students came in for lunch. There were a few raised eyebrows at seeing our team behind the counter, but no one asked too many questions. The twins and Amber, mostly Amber, were able to explain the dish to people who asked.


    Then, I saw the boy who¡¯d dare interrupt my team naming ceremony. Faster than the eye could see, I plated three tamales and blurred into his path.


    Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.


    ¡°Here. Sit. Eat. Educate yourself.¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡± he blinked owlishly. His name was Pierre or something, the ¡°P¡± in SPHR, sapphire to go with ruby.


    ¡°This is a tamale,¡± I said, pushing the plate into his hand insistently.


    ¡°Wait, did you seriously hijack the kitchen just to make me food?¡±


    ¡°No, of course not. Chef Orion and I have an understanding. And I didn¡¯t take over the kitchen to make you food,¡± I huffed. ¡°I took over the kitchen to educate you.¡±


    ¡°Alright, alright, geez. I¡¯ll take your silly cake-thing.¡±


    ¡°Tamales,¡± I growled, a hint of my divine aura seeping out into the world


    ¡°Geez, holy shit, fine! Tamales!¡±


    ¡°That is one angry bunny,¡± his teammate whispered to him as I blurred away.


    ¡°Fast too. Hey, at least we get an interesting lunch out of it,¡± another said.


    He and his team sat down at their table with a weirded out expression. Then the aroma of my food fully registered and they were compelled to take a bite.


    The cafeteria sounded like a brothel. There was no other way to put it. It was like Vale¡¯s entire porn industry showed up to reenact one of Melanie¡¯s trashy YA novels, loud, exaggerated, orgasmic moans and all.


    I stood by my team and the regular cafeteria staff as we watched the Beacon student body have the closest thing to a religious experience possible in this literally gods-forsaken world.


    ¡°I-Is this normal?¡± Chef Orion asked, utterly bewildered by the sight before him.


    ¡°Shamefully, yes,¡± Amber replied with a defeated sigh.


    I shrugged in a ¡°What can you do?¡± gesture. ¡°At least no one¡¯s naked.¡±


    ¡°Is that an actual worry? Because, might I remind you, this is a school.¡±


    ¡°Probably not. I think the Nakiri family¡¯s just fucked up like that. Are you going to eat? We¡¯ve finished serving everyone so it¡¯s time for lunch,¡± I said, tugging Amber and Mil by the hand towards an empty table. Melanie followed along, with our drinks in hand.


    ¡°R-Right, I¡¯ll go serve the leftovers to the Beacon staff,¡± Chef Orion said, eyeing the food with equal parts dread and relish. Then he mumbled under his breath, ¡°And eat this somewhere private¡­¡±


    I munched my tamale as the symphony of delighted groaning echoed around us. My own teammates were not exempt either.


    Food is life. Cooking is art. Cuisine is history. That was and is my motto. And today, I made Remnant history.


    Life was good.


    X


    I didn¡¯t know what to expect from Professor Goodwitch¡¯s combat class. How was it structured? Was it primarily outdoor activities and killing grim? That was the core mission of all huntsmen, right? Or would the class be like a military boot camp, with a set self-defense style beaten into each student in case they lost their favored weapon?


    I walked in and saw the room. It was arranged like a college lecture hall, save for the central pit which had been replaced by an arena.


    ¡®How disappointing,¡¯ I thought. As a rule, sparring against humans was most useful to teach someone to¡­ fight humans¡­ If the grim were the existential threats everyone made them out to be, a class layout like this felt suboptimal.


    But then again, what did I know? It wasn¡¯t as if I¡¯d ever taught a class. Or at least, not one that wasn¡¯t about food in some way. Perhaps the curriculum would shift over time as students became accustomed to one another.


    I led TAMM to the lower benches; if I had to sit through a bunch of kids squabbling, I at least wanted ringside seats. Behind us sat VALN, with RWBY to our immediate right.


    ¡°Where did you learn to cook like that?¡± my ¡°sister¡± asked as she took a seat next to me.


    ¡°Oh, here and there. Before I came to Beacon, I was something of a wandering chef,¡± I said with a smile. ¡°This might come as a surprise, but the best ethnic recipes aren¡¯t found in fancy hotels or restaurants. They usually come from little, old grannies who¡¯ve been making the same dish for fifty years.¡±


    ¡°Yes, I suppose there is truth in that. There is something to be said for tradition and dedicated experience after all. You could easily be a chef, Tianyu.¡±


    ¡°Because I am a chef, big-little sister. I am a chef first, husband second, Campione third, and a huntsman a very distant last.¡±


    ¡°Husband? Y-You¡¯re married?¡± she squawked, louder than strictly necessary because every eye was on us now.


    ¡°Yup. Surprised? You have a sister-in-law you¡¯ve never met before,¡± I teased. I tapped my finger against the desk, bringing attention to a simple, wooden band.


    It was a ring of peachwood grown from my personal garden in the Lunar Palace. Peachwood, to symbolize elemental balance, sanctification, and eternity.


    And yet, despite these lofty ideals, the ring itself was completely unadorned. Nor did it have any great enchantment on it save for one to enhance its durability, lest I be tempted to risk it in some trivial battle or contest. Its mere presence served its purpose, as a reminder of mine and Luo Hao¡¯s marriage.


    ¡°I see¡­ W-What is her name?¡±


    ¡°Luo Hao, or Luo Cuilan depending on how formal you want to be. She¡¯s also called the Ruler of the Martial Realm, the Eminence of China, and the Master of the Holy Cult of Five Mountains.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s a rather presumptuous title, don¡¯t you think?¡±


    ¡°Which one?¡±


    ¡°The Ruler of the Martial Realm. I don¡¯t know what a China is, or the Holy Cult of Five Mountains, but I suppose she could be a big deal in her village, wherever that is.¡±


    I laughed. Weiss had no frame of reference for what a Campione was. She¡¯d never heard of China, for obvious reasons, so she thought those titles referred to some podunk village out in the frontier territories. I opted not to correct her. Teaching her about the multiverse could wait for when we weren¡¯t in combat class.


    ¡°I suppose it is a pretentious title,¡± I said with a smile. ¡°The Ruler of the Martial Realm? It¡¯s the kind of title you can only use when you¡¯re the undisputed best at it. So much so that if you claimed to be second best, no one in the world would be brave enough to say they¡¯re first.¡±


    ¡°Yes, exactly.¡±


    ¡°Call me biased, but that¡¯s exactly what she is: the undisputed best.¡±


    ¡°You must love her a lot,¡± she said diplomatically. ¡°You have a really nice smile when you talk about her.¡±


    ¡°Of course I do. She¡¯s great. Beautiful, dedicated, kind, wise, and unexpectedly funny.¡±


    ¡°I-I never knew¡­ D-Do you think she¡¯d like me?¡± she asked shyly.


    I found it amusing that she cared about the opinion of someone who she didn¡¯t even know existed until three seconds ago. And yet, that was Weiss; beneath the prickly exterior, she was an unexpectedly tender girl.


    I considered the question. What would my beloved think of me adopting a ¡°little sister?¡±


    Truthfully, she wouldn¡¯t care one bit. She¡¯d probably test her new ¡°junior sister,¡± only to be immediately disappointed once she found out how mediocre Weiss was at martial arts. Which wasn¡¯t to say Weiss was untalented, but my wife¡¯s standards were¡­ a little unreasonable.


    And then she¡¯d take Weiss to her temple for the most grueling year of her life.


    ¡°She¡¯d probably try to teach you a thing or two about swordsmanship,¡± I said honestly. ¡°You know, trade some pointers.¡±


    ¡°Oh? That doesn¡¯t sound bad. I¡¯d be delighted.¡±


    If Yinghua was here, he¡¯d probably burst into tears. The poor girl had no idea what she was promising.


    Still¡­


    ¡°Then when we next meet, I¡¯ll tell her you would appreciate a few lessons.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯d like that.¡±


    ¡°Great! It¡¯s settled then. You can earmark a year of your life to training under Luo Hao.¡±


    ¡°A full year? I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll have time for that once I graduate from Beacon.¡±


    ¡°Ehh, just think of it as college. University, but to become a legendary swordsman. Because you will become a legend, assuming you survive the experience.¡±


    ¡°She can¡¯t be that strong or I¡¯d have heard of her,¡± Weiss sniffed in disbelief.


    I said nothing, instead opting to pat her hand reassuringly. Luo Hao likely wouldn¡¯t visit for a while yet. Weiss had time; I would permit this sweet, summer child to maintain her delusions a little longer.


    That was as far as we got. The bell rang and Professor Goodwitch swept into the room, her half-cape fluttering behind elegantly.


    ¡°Right, good afternoon, class. We¡¯ll begin with a series of duels between students. To make this more interesting, one person will be selected at random. That student may challenge another, or may also request a random opponent. Am I clear?¡±


    When no questions were forthcoming, she opened up a program on her scroll, projected onto the monitor, with the class roster. The names scrolled by and I looked around at my classmates curiously.


    For the most part, attitudes were ambivalent; this clearly wasn¡¯t anything new for them. I deemed that duels like this were fairly normal in combat schools. There were a few people who looked nervous however, especially those who glanced towards the redhead, the chameleon-girl¡¯s partner. If I remembered the twins¡¯ briefing right, she was Pyrrha Nikos, a celebrity tournament fighter known for a perfect win streak.


    Yang also got some wary looks. She¡¯d apparently ranked at the top of her class at Signal, the local preparatory school. She likely had a reputation for those who were Vale natives.


    Students got up to fight as the class wore on. Most were decent enough, better than any normal soldier could hope to be at any rate, but nothing worth writing home about. Weiss beat up some guy called Dove and looked inordinately proud of her showing. Nora, leader of VALN, almost turned Miltia into a pancake.


    In fact, neither of the twins did especially well. Not only were they unused to fighting huntsmen, they were also dead tired from my morning training. Melanie lost to some student wielding a flail that I didn¡¯t bother to remember the name of. He was at least a good sport about it and helped her up.


    When Glynda called Pyrrha¡¯s name, the entire room fell silent, each wondering if they¡¯d be the one challenged. It was almost as if she was a Campione in her own right. Her reputation as the Invincible Girl cowed everyone in the room, winning the fight for her before her opponent could even be decided.


    The look of unmitigated disappointment in her eyes reminded me of a puppy. She¡¯d been looking forward to this, a new school that was a full continent away, perhaps somewhere her reputation wouldn¡¯t stifle her growth.


    ¡°Is there anyone you¡¯d like to challenge?¡± the professor asked with a little pity in her voice. Glynda looked at me, then at Amber, the two who were definitely strong enough, but neither of us moved to volunteer.


    Finally, Pyrrha sighed and picked the option that would spare the egos of her peers. ¡°I¡¯d like to duel my partner, please.¡±


    ¡°Very well. Ilia Amitola, up front, please.¡±


    Ilia¡¯s body changed hues, from a bronze tan to a deepening mahogany, then burgundy. I had no idea what those colors meant, but her expression was flat as she reached for her whip.


    What followed was what I could only describe as a measured beatdown. Pyrrha was holding back, though not as much as she might have. She left openings I could tell she was fast enough to close, intentionally misplaced her footing to give Ilia the chance to catch her leg with her whip, and performed little flourishes of her weapon every time she swapped forms, taking precious seconds to give Ilia time to prepare herself.


    Ilia wasn¡¯t bad by any means, more than good enough to embarrass the twins as they were now. It was obvious that Ilia had real experience in life or death scenarios. She was incredibly agile, bouncing from place to place with an ease that spoke of countless hours of fitness training.


    She was also absolutely vicious. She struck at eyes, throat, groin, and whatever other perceived vulnerability to stay in the fight for as long as possible. With how flexible her weapon was, I could see her being a tough contender for most of the students here.


    She infused her whip with lightning and vanished into the background, melding seamlessly despite her mobile fighting style. She even managed a few good hits, channeling electricity through her weapon to shock Pyrrha even when she blocked.


    And yet, when the battle ended, people treated it as though it was a foregone conclusion. Pyrrha Nikos emerged victorious, shying away from the applause in favor of helping Ilia up.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± I heard her whisper. ¡°I didn¡¯t know who else to pick.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s fine,¡± Ilia replied. ¡°You¡¯re¡­ strong.¡±


    ¡°W-We could train together?¡±


    ¡°Maybe¡­¡± Ilia said skeptically. She likely didn¡¯t have many chances to interact with trustworthy humans in the Fang. Then, her gaze roamed to Blake, the catgirl princess of Menagerie, and she nodded slowly. ¡°You know what? I¡¯d like that.¡±


    Author¡¯s Note


    Tianyu is a chef. But Luo Hao is a xianxia protagonist. She¡¯s rubbed off on him a bit.


    Lau lau is steamed in a packet of taro leaves and differs from kalua in that it¡¯s not roasted underground. It¡¯s pretty mild in flavor but quite good.


    The original quest this is based on was a mega-crossover with Campione as the base, including The Boys, Harry Potter, Worm, My Hero Academia, Overwatch, Marvel, and of course, Shokugeki no Soma. It didn¡¯t get very far (I¡¯ll pick up the quest again someday) so I didn¡¯t get the chance to blend the lore as well as I¡¯d like, but it had a bunch of different characters from these settings.


    It¡¯s been a running joke that Mana Nakiri, after tasting his food once, spent several years trying to get Tianyu to marry her daughter.


    This chapter has been brought to you early by Master Yi. In other news, may Peach fuck his cat like the filthy degenerate he is.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 22

    Homeless Bunny 22


    Tianyu Yue


    ¡°We have time for one more,¡± Glynda said, rolling the dice once more. On the monitor, the faces of those who¡¯d already fought were crossed out; they couldn¡¯t be rolled but could be challenged on a voluntary basis. In that light, both mine and Amber¡¯s portraits were some of the few who had yet to be called. ¡°Cardin Winchester, to the field.¡±


    Cardin swaggered onto the stage. He was a beefy, auburn-haired boy who stood a full head above the rest of his teammates. Clad in silver armor with a brass phoenix decor and swinging a mace like a conductor¡¯s baton, he looked like a storybook paladin.


    I wondered how strong he was. His teammates had all fought already. They weren¡¯t anything special, good or bad, but that wasn¡¯t reflective of their leader so early in the year.


    He looked at the monitor, then back at Glynda. ¡°I can challenge anyone?¡±


    ¡°You may. They may decline if they¡¯ve already fought. I may also reject the pairing if their aura level has fallen lower than I consider safe,¡± Glynda said.


    ¡°Good. I challenge the bunny.¡±


    The pinched expression on Glynda¡¯s face was absolutely hilarious. She knew. She was there when I spanked that amber-eyed Maiden like an unruly child. She was there when I had that chat with Ozpin. As was Ruby. Though I¡¯d agreed to Ozpin¡¯s request that I attend school, there wasn¡¯t any question in her mind as to the outcome of such a duel.


    And yet, she had no good reason to reject the challenge.


    ¡°Please be gentle,¡± I heard her whisper, too quiet for anyone else to hear.


    As for the twins, they acted like their birthdays came early.


    ¡°We get to see someone else get Tianyu¡¯d,¡± Miltiades whispered excitedly.


    ¡°I know, right? Spoon? Spatula?¡± her twin said back.


    ¡°Spoon. This shit¡¯s hilarious when it happens to someone else.¡±


    ¡°Please don¡¯t turn my name into a verb,¡± I sighed. Truthfully, I wanted to reject the challenge. It wasn¡¯t as though there was any worth in beating up children.


    Cardin Winchester was a racist. He wasn¡¯t nearly as quiet with his mutterings as he¡¯d like to think, certainly not quiet enough to go unnoticed by a divine rabbit.


    And yet, since when was I a champion of faunus rights? He had done me no harm, unlike Detective Powers. He did not label me a terrorist, nor did he waste my goodwill. Social justice, no matter what form, didn¡¯t overly interest me, not enough to reprimand him for some nasty words.


    Let others concern themselves with lofty ideals; my place was in the kitchen.


    ¡°I admit, I am curious to see you fight as well, Tianyu,¡± Weiss whispered next to me. ¡°Even in the Initiation, you and Amber didn¡¯t fight at all.¡±


    ¡°Yeah¡­ Can we not?¡± I asked, holding up a gentle hand. ¡°I¡¯d rather be in the kitchen if I¡¯m honest.¡±


    Cardin scoffed. ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s where you belong.¡±


    ¡°I couldn¡¯t agree more. A chef is the noblest profession of all. To cook is to nourish life. What greater cause is there than that?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, right. Get up here, coward.¡±


    ¡°You know, I¡¯m going to give up right away, right?¡± I said, putting a slight tremor in my voice that, to those who didn¡¯t know, might sound like nervousness. Still, I stood and made my way to the stage.


    ¡°Please take this seriously,¡± Glyda muttered. ¡°Or at least pretend to.¡±


    I almost laughed at that. Serious? A Campione? That was the last thing she ought to be asking for. And yet, I was a merciful bunny.


    And I do so loved to subvert expectations.


    I stood there, trembling slightly. My ears twitched back and forth in apparent agitation. Opposite me, Cardin slung his mace over one shoulder, the picture of absolute confidence. With evident reluctance, Glynda started the match.


    Cardin had some real muscle. The head of his mace swung for me like a comet, faster than most others in the room could manage, and with only one hand at that.


    I did not block. Nor did I let it strike my face and shatter.


    No, for the first time since my arrival, the twins saw me run.


    ¡°Waahhh!!!! Save me!¡± I cried desperately. I leapt back and ¡°barely¡± dodged out of the way of the swing, only to turn tail and run to the edge of the arena.


    ¡°What? Get back here, coward!¡± Cardin roared as he leapt after me.


    ¡°No! You¡¯re going to hit me!¡±


    ¡°No fucking shit!¡±


    ¡°Waahhh!!!! You¡¯re scary!!¡±


    I led him on a merry chase, only ever avoiding the edge of his mace by the width of a whisker each time. I made sure to stumble around without form or balance, like a drunkard with a sudden penchant for Irish dancing.


    Then, halfway through, I started to bawl. A stream of water converted directly from my mana flowed from my eyes as I ran around the stage.


    ¡°Bwaahhh!!!! This is animal abuse! A case of bunny battery!¡±


    ¡°Shut up and fight!¡±


    ¡°No! This is resentment towards rabbits! Hare hate! Stop bullying me!!!¡±


    ¡°Hold still!¡± Cardin cried out. His mace glowed with the crimson light of dust as he struck the floor.


    I dodged and tucked into a roll that looked as though I¡¯d barely scraped by. Then, with zero shame whatsoever, I rolled onto Glynda¡¯s feet, grasping onto her thighs like the world¡¯s most overweight koala.


    ¡°Save me! I¡¯m sorry, Glyn-Glyn! I give up!¡± I bawled, tears streaming like a fountain.


    The look on Glynda¡¯s face was one I¡¯d cherish forever. There was nothing quite like so thoroughly destroying someone¡¯s expectations that their mind shut down altogether. She looked at me like some new species of animal, an alien creature so foreign that it defied all comprehension.


    Then reality struck. Along with Cardin¡¯s mace.


    He¡¯d turned his downward swing into a backhand in an attempt to finally nail me. So flustered was he that he was no longer aware of his surroundings. So bewildered was Glynda that she¡¯d likewise lost track of Cardin.


    And so, Cardin¡¯s mace met Glynda¡¯s stomach with an impressive thud.


    Aura was a passive shield. And Glynda, being a woman who relied on it exclusively over a more conventional weapon, had a lot of it. It didn¡¯t hurt her, not truly, but she was sent flying off the stage in an undignified tumble nonetheless. Perhaps, had she not been encumbered by a bunny-shaped limpet hugging her thighs, she might have triggered her Semblance in time to anchor herself.


    But she did not. And so, our duel came to an end, with Glynda as the sole, thoroughly annoyed casualty.


    The entire room fell silent as the air took on a distinct, violet hue.


    She looked at me, still sniffling with tears in my eyes. Then she looked at Cardin, frozen in his final pose, reality sinking in.


    ¡°What do you have to say for yourselves?¡± she growled. Her eyes shone a menacing violet. Her hair and half-cape fluttered in an invisible breeze. An ominous weight settled on our shoulders, making everyone freeze like a mouse that just now noticed the cobra in the room.


    I sniffled, dried my tears, and then said, ¡°Don¡¯t look at me, Glyn-Glyn. I gave up. Cardin¡¯s too strong for me. I¡¯m the victim here. This is bunny battery. Animal abuse, I say!¡±


    ¡°Out.¡±


    Seeing how she actually looked pissed enough to chuck me through the window, or at least make the attempt, I decided to make myself scarce. I ran out of the room, leaving Cardin to deal with the professor¡¯s wrath.


    X


    ¡°That was cruel, Tianyu,¡± Amber chided. This was hopefully the tail end of a half-hour long lecture on propriety, professionalism, how a team leader ought to conduct himself, and a bunch of other synonyms.


    ¡°In my defense,¡± I bega, only to be met with an arched brow.


    ¡°Yes?¡±


    ¡°At least I didn¡¯t hurt him?¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s not-Actually, yes, I suppose there¡¯s that.¡±


    ¡°You lost us money, bun-bun,¡± Melanie said with a pout. ¡°We were counting on you to beat him up.¡±


    I nodded as I stirred the whisk through a bowl of egg whites. Tonight¡¯s dinner would be a simple meal of grilled salmon, rice, and asparagus with a baked Alaska for dessert and I needed the meringue. ¡°Yeah, I heard. You shouldn¡¯t have made such a specific bet like ¡®Tianyu will beat him up with a spoon.¡¯ You never know when I might decide to prove you wrong.¡±


    ¡°You could hear us and still let us lose? Not cool,¡± Miltia pouted, only to stick her tongue to the tip of her nose when I smeared a small bit of meringue on there.


    ¡°Very cool. It¡¯s hilarious.¡±


    ¡°You have the worst sense of humor.¡±


    ¡°And now you owe Nora twenty lien. Gambling is bad, girls. See, Amber? I can be a responsible team leader. Look at me teaching them valuable life lessons.¡±


    ¡°Was there a point to your nonsense? Besides teaching the twins a lesson?¡± Amber questioned. She had her homework in front of her, the only one of us doing her work diligently.


    ¡°Yup. Can you girls spread the word that if someone gives my bully a hard time, I might reward them with a free meal?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re kidding¡­¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re right. Maybe just a cookie. Either way, defenders of bunnies deserve to be justly rewarded.¡±


    ¡°You don¡¯t need defending. You¡¯re the last person on Remnant who needs defending.¡±


    The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    ¡°Details.¡±


    ¡°Was that why you made tamales for the whole school? To motivate them to be more conscientious of faunus bullying?¡±


    ¡°Hahaha, you¡¯re really giving me way too much credit,¡± I said. ¡°I mean, if good food motivates students to crack down on bullying, great. But I just wanted to enlighten the masses to the wonders of our team¡¯s namesake.¡±


    ¡°Right¡­ I don¡¯t believe you,¡± she mused with a ghost of a smile. ¡°I think you¡¯re a better person than you let on.¡±


    ¡°Lies and slander.¡±


    ¡°You took in a pair of twins. And convinced them to turn from their criminal ways and fight for humanity as huntresses.¡±


    ¡°They¡¯re convenient arm candy.¡±


    ¡°You adopted Weiss Schnee because you thought she looked lonely.¡±


    ¡°Teasing her is hilarious.¡±


    ¡°You left a dozen all-cure potions with a stranger.¡±


    ¡°Justly deserved. A farmer¡¯s labors are sorely undervalued.¡±


    Miltia stared at me, then at a comic book she¡¯d been thumbing. ¡°You¡¯re such a tsundere.¡±


    I booped her nose with all the dignity of an affronted bunny. ¡°Hey, now. I know what that word means.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re so tsun-tsun it hurts.¡±


    ¡°Hush, you. Okay, more seriously, I wanted Glynda to exempt me from combat class, for obvious reasons. I couldn¡¯t think of a way to do that without maiming some poor kid so I went with that abject shitstorm.¡±


    ¡°Well, congratulations,¡± Amber drawled, ¡°Professor Goodwitch caught us after you ran off and told you to not come back.¡±


    ¡°Great! All according to keikaku and all that.¡±


    ¡°You speak Mistralian? And that specific dialect at that,¡± Militia asked, eyebrow raised.


    ¡°I speak a lot of languages. A century¡¯s a long time and Campione have a natural affinity for languages of all types.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re such bullshit.¡±


    ¡°I know,¡± I preened.


    X


    That was the absolute last time I entered combat class. We came to an unspoken agreement, Glynda and I. She didn¡¯t insist on my attendance and I wouldn¡¯t make a fool of her class altogether, or worse. Honestly, it was something we probably should have talked about before Cardin challenged me and put her in an awkward position.


    In the end, I apologized for that nonsense and smoothed things over (mostly) with a cake and the promise of a freshly brewed cup of tea whenever she needed to relax. Really, I did feel a little bad for making things difficult for her and felt the best thing for us was for me to recuse myself from the class altogether.


    Which wasn¡¯t to say there was no fallout from my antics over the next several days, particularly with the student body.


    For starters, my team earned a reputation as the single most lopsided team in the school. The twins weren¡¯t considered the weakest, but they weren¡¯t far off. No, the ¡°weakest student¡± was me, the leader, who ran away bawling from his first combat class and refused to attend any other.


    By contrast, Amber dominated. ¡°Goodwitch 2.0,¡± they called her, to our amusement and Glynda¡¯s annoyance. Her ¡°Semblance¡± absolutely destroyed everyone, lifting them into the air, taking their weapons, and stealing the air from their lungs. Even the ¡°Invincible Girl¡± wasn¡¯t immune to Amber¡¯s brand of Maidenly bullshit.


    As it turned out, Pyrrha¡¯s Semblance had something to do with magnetism. It, along with her excellent fundamentals, was how she¡¯d remained undefeated, unscathed even, in most matches. But Amber didn¡¯t give two shits about metal, her weapon was a wooden staff, so that was that.


    The funny part of all this was that my team, Glynda, and Ruby were all aware that Amber was holding back massively. She had an aerokinetic Semblance after all, and felt no reason to use the giant crystal of fire dust at the tip of her staff. In a confined area, the tornado that ravaged the stage was oppressive enough.


    Which was how I found myself standing in the middle of the Beacon courtyard, a rapier jabbing the tip of my nose. Weiss Schnee glowered at me fiercely, her crystal-blue eyes like chips of ice.


    ¡°Brother dearest,¡± she began, ¡°do you mind explaining why you have been absent from every combat class?¡±


    ¡°Weiss, maybe Tianyu has a good reason,¡± Ruby said, tugging at her sleeve.


    ¡°Yes, dear sister. Listen to your team leader. Has Glyn-Glyn said anything about it?¡± I asked.


    ¡°No, but that¡¯s not the point! You ran away bawling, Tianyu!¡± Weiss cried. ¡°You¡¯re a huntsman for Brothers¡¯ sake. And a Schnee!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not a Schnee though.¡±


    ¡°You count!¡±


    ¡°But what does that have to do with anyth¨C¡±


    ¡°Everything! No brother of mine is going to be¡­ be such a coward! You¡¯re a huntsman! If you¡¯re at this school, you will learn to fight!¡±


    ¡°And¡­ You¡¯re going to teach me?¡±


    ¡°Yes! If no one else will, then I must step up to the task.¡±


    This was amusing to me at first, then I looked at her more closely. She was upset, that was a given, but there was more to this than some misplaced pride that I was ¡°besmirching her name¡± or somesuch.


    It didn¡¯t take a genius to figure out why. A huntsman who couldn¡¯t fight was destined to die a messy death. As far as she was concerned, her brother who¡¯d so recently appeared in her life wasn¡¯t taking his education seriously, education that might well save his life.


    She was afraid.


    For me.


    That sucked the fun out of my antics.


    I had three options: One, I could ignore her completely. Blowing her off would probably ruin my relationship with her. It¡¯d keep me from mentoring her and teaching her to loosen up a bit, though admittedly, Ruby had been doing a good job of that these past few days.


    Two, I could give in, go along with what she wanted and let her ¡°train¡± me. It¡¯d be funny, at least for a while, and give me an excuse to spend more time with her. But it¡¯d also be a waste of time and she¡¯d know eventually.


    A Campione¡¯s power was impossible to hide forever, not unlike trying to bury a live grenade. There was no such thing as a ¡°secret Campione¡± in history because we were kings. Just as fate tended to work itself out in our favor, it also tended to unveil us sooner or later, and usually in climactic, cataclysmic ways.


    And when she found out she¡¯d been ¡°tutoring¡± a person who was laughably better than her?


    I didn¡¯t think her pride would survive that. She¡¯d wonder if I was always mocking her behind her back, giggling at the way she did her best for my sake. She¡¯d wonder if I¡¯d taken advantage of her like all the rest.


    I didn¡¯t want that for her. She didn¡¯t deserve me spitting on her goodwill, however poorly delivered.


    Or three, I could skip it all. I wasn¡¯t hiding, not really. My goal here wasn¡¯t to become some secret agent; it was simply to kill time while the moon repaired itself.


    ¡°You want to train me?¡± I asked Weiss again.


    ¡°Yes. You could get hurt, Tianyu,¡± she said, insistently but sincerely.


    ¡°Fine, come along,¡± I said, walking off. I waved Ruby away and led Weiss towards the cliffs. ¡°I have Amber.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll admit your teammate is incredibly powerful, but she¡¯s not someone who can teach you anything, not unless you have a wind-based Semblance as well.¡±


    ¡°Nope,¡± I turned and motioned for her to walk with me. ¡°I mean that I¡¯m stronger than her. Stronger than Pyrrha. Or Ruby with her super death scythe. Or Yang with her gorilla strength.¡±


    ¡°Then why would you-¡±


    ¡°Because I¡¯m too strong. I should be teaching you all. And by ¡®you all,¡¯ I¡¯m including Glyn-Glyn. Haven¡¯t you wondered why she hasn¡¯t made a fuss when I stopped showing up for class? You did go to her, right?¡±


    ¡°S-She brushed me off and said I should mind my own business!¡±


    ¡°And your teammates? Did they say anything?¡±


    ¡°Ruby said I should listen to Professor Goodwitch,¡± Weiss huffed, ¡°and Yang laughed at me¡­¡±


    ¡°Because they know. They met me a month or two before school. Lots of things happened, but they both picked a fight.¡±


    ¡°A-And?¡±


    ¡°And lost.¡±


    ¡°Where are we going, Tianyu? This is the forest. Are you going to show me that you can hunt grimm after all?¡±


    ¡°Something like that. Now come on, Weiss.¡±


    Once we got to the forest, I led her to a secluded clearing. Then, I turned and held out my hand, the golden seal of the wu xing blooming to life in my palm. It was time to drop some bullshit. Enough shit to sculpt a monument to my glory.


    ¡°I heard that in the Schnee family, the greatest expression of your family Semblance is the creation of constructs, right?¡± I asked her rhetorically. The twins had been thorough in their briefing, especially regarding one Winter Schnee, one of Atlas¡¯ most decorated specialists. ¡°They¡¯re always in the shapes of past opponents, your greatest challenges.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s right. Tianyu, don¡¯t tell me-Even I haven¡¯t mastered summoning yet!¡±


    ¡°I said ¡®your¡¯ Semblance, little sister. Mine is a bit different. I don¡¯t make constructs of my fallen enemies.¡± If I did, a construct of Maxa¡¯xak, the Horned Serpent of Lenape creation myth, would surely make the world collectively shit itself in terror. Wide enough to deepthroat a New York skyscraper. Long enough to stretch from horizon to horizon. I¡¯d carved a saber out of his fang, a godslayer¡¯s weapon that I seldom required these days. ¡°No, mine instead allows me to anoint other creatures, making them bigger, smarter, stronger, and faster.¡±


    ¡°A-Are you saying you can create minions?¡±


    ¡°Yup. Want to see?¡±


    ¡°I admit I¡¯m curious¡­¡±


    ¡°Then come meet my friends!¡± And with that, I blew a sharp whistle.


    At first, the glade was silent. Then the biggest, fluffiest bunnies, each the size of the average sheepdog, bounded through the forest. There were four in total, one for each day of class I¡¯d missed. Behind them came twelve little bunnies, all small enough to fit into my cupped hands. I had to do something while the rest of my team were in class after all.


    I¡¯d cooked, because of course I did. But I¡¯d also expanded the Moonlit Famiglia.


    After all, a capo, or caporegime, was a ¡°captain,¡± a crew leader. What was a captain without his crew?


    And so, in true mafia fashion, I¡¯d gone about making the soldato, the ¡°soldier.¡± Under these four soldiers were three picciotti, ¡°little men,¡± each. They were purposely denied size buffs, not just to suit the name of their rank, but so they could be the stealthy hands and feet of the Moonlit Famiglia. Instead of size, strength, and a unique power each soldato and capo received, they¡¯d been blessed with invisibility and conceptual silence, the serenity of a moonless night.


    Sixteen bunnies stood before me in total. It was about the average size for a capo¡¯s crew. A true mafia was made up of many such crews, all answerable to an underboss, who then of course answered to the boss, or ¡°don.¡±


    ¡°Soldato Souffle salutes the Capo di Capi Re!¡± the first of the four shouted, thumping his paw over his breast in an obvious sign of fealty. Beneath his feet, his three picciotti mirrored their leader.


    ¡°Soldato Shortcake salutes the Capo di Capi Re!¡±


    ¡°Soldato Sorbet salutes the Capo di Capi Re!¡±


    ¡°Soldato Semifreddo salutes the Capo di Capi Re!¡±


    The others followed in perfect synchronicity. My Authority, the Power of the Name, worked off impressions and assumptions I had about the mafia. I wasn¡¯t a mobster obviously, but I did watch The Sopranos, The Godfather, and other such flicks back in the day. The impression I had was that the higher up the ranks of the mob you were, the more relaxed you could afford to be.


    Capo Cuddles, as a ¡°captain,¡± had a lax attitude because he knew what he was about. He was a man with self-confidence. He was a ¡°made man,¡± one who needed no introductions in the Moonlit Famiglia.


    These soldati? They were made men too, but ones eager to prove themselves. They were soldiers and their king had summoned them.


    I nodded approvingly. They didn¡¯t need to behave this way of course, but they were just so damn cute that I didn¡¯t have the heart to stop them.


    ¡°Tianyu¡­¡±


    ¡°Yes, Weiss?¡±


    ¡°They¡¯re¡­ They¡¯re SOO CUTTEEE!!!!¡±


    ¡°They are, aren¡¯t they?¡±


    ¡°You made talking bunnies!!¡±


    ¡°I did.¡±


    Everything else Weiss might have said was drowned out into mumbles as she buried her face into Sorbet¡¯s fur. For his part, Sorbet took it like a champ, head held high with dignity as he endured my sister¡¯s affections.


    ¡°Cuddles Crew!¡± I barked.


    ¡°Si, re!¡± they echoed as one.


    ¡°That is my little sister. She is to be treated as such!¡±


    ¡°Si, re!¡±


    ¡°You are not to let her leave this glade no matter what.¡±


    ¡°Si, re!¡±


    That got her attention. ¡°Wait, what?¡±


    I looked at her smugly. ¡°You may not harm her in any way. However, until midnight, you may not allow her to take a single step out of this clearing. Afterwards, you will let her go and rejoin Capo Cuddles to continue your original directive. Are my orders clear?¡±


    ¡°Si, Re! La principessa will not leave the clearing until midnight!¡± they echoed. They were good boys and girls.


    ¡°Good. Have fun, Weiss. We have¡­ eight hours¡­ until midnight? If you can escape them and find me in my dorm before then, I¡¯ll admit that you are worthy of training me. If not, you will give up on the idea. Deal?¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t agree to this!¡±


    ¡°Too bad. Toodles~¡±


    With that, I vanished in a flicker. Really, training a Campione?


    Yinghua would have coughed blood at the idea.


    Author¡¯s Note


    Why are you getting this chapter early? Well, Peach said Rooster Teeth is closing its doors today. Call this¡­ celebration? Mourning the lost potential? I dunno, but it didn¡¯t seem like a good company from what little I know of it, even aside from the way RWBY was handled in later seasons.


    Maxa¡¯xak was the very first deity Tianyu defeated in combat as his ascension, and the death of the original Jade Rabbit, can¡¯t really be considered ¡°in combat.¡±


    Did Weiss just become a mob princess? Yes, yes she did. She also got put in fluffy timeout. It¡¯s not like Tianyu¡¯s going to beat up a child for funsies.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 23

    Homeless Bunny 23


    Weiss Schnee


    My brother was the greatest!


    Not my little brother; Whitley was¡­ problematic.


    Well, kind of my little brother. Tianyu was so little even though he was older than me. Little-big brother?


    Yes, that sounded right.


    I wasn¡¯t usually prone to bouts of silliness, years of etiquette classes saw to that, but I couldn¡¯t help myself. I was in a cuddle puddle of bunnies. An entire fluffle of bunnies in fact.


    Although, hadn¡¯t Tianyu said the ¡°don¡± of his ¡°Moonlit Famiglia¡± was called Don Fluffles? He named his first bunny ¡°Don Bunnies.¡±


    Really, that man¡¯s naming sense was ridiculous.


    But admittedly adorable.


    I pulled one of the four huge bunnies into my chest. I was pretty sure this was Semifreddo. She was so darn soft; I couldn¡¯t resist burying my face in her fur.


    ¡°That¡¯s it principessa, just lie back and relax,¡± she cooed. ¡°Rub my ears if you¡¯d be so kind. Yeah, right there. Ooh~ That¡¯s the spot.¡±


    She even called me princess!


    I didn¡¯t know how long I¡¯d stayed like that. My world became a fog of fluffy cuddles and luxuriously soft fur. It was like a hypnotic trance of warm snuggles. But eventually, hunger woke me from my trance.


    ¡°What time is it?¡± I asked, glancing down at my scroll. I stood up in a hurry. ¡°Oh, Brothers! It¡¯s suppertime! I need to go, you guys.¡±


    A male bunny, Sorbet, I think, waved his paw and four of the little black ones dashed off into the shadows. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, that¡¯s what the picciotti are for. His majesty wouldn¡¯t let his darling sister go hungry now, would he? They¡¯ll bring back a nice heaping of the forest¡¯s bounties you can graze on until midnight.¡±


    ¡°No, my team will be worried about me.¡±


    ¡°He¡¯ll have it handled. I¡¯m sorry, principessa, you heard il re¡¯s orders.¡±


    ¡°I need to rejoin my team,¡± I huffed. ¡°You can¡¯t stop me with cuddles.¡±


    The four bunnies, all about as large as small sheepdogs, looked at one another. Semifreddo said somberly, ¡°We cannot let you leave. We apologize.¡±


    I began to march off, only for Soldato Souffle to hop in front of me. He was the easiest to recognize thanks to a single lop ear. ¡°We cannot disobey il re, not even to our dying breath. Our honor demands it as proud members of the Moonlit Famiglia.¡±


    Realization dawned on me. ¡°I-I can¡¯t believe this! Tianyu wants me to kill poor bunnies to prove a point?¡±


    ¡°That won¡¯t be happening,¡± Semifreddo said soothingly. ¡°Souffle is right, we¡¯d die for his majesty, but principessa, you can¡¯t kill us.¡±


    ¡°I have a sword!¡±


    ¡°And we are bunnies anointed by his majesty, the Jade Rabbit, he who reigns from the Lunar Palace, the Seventh Campione. We will not fall to a single huntress.¡±


    ¡°Please don¡¯t make me hurt you,¡± I begged.


    Souffle sighed and stood on his haunches, coming up to around my upper thighs now. He then got into the strangest kung fu stance I¡¯d ever seen. ¡°Leave it, Semifreddo. She has aura.¡±


    Semifreddo nodded and backed off. ¡°Yeah, I guess this was bound to happen. Il re wanted to show her that he was powerful without having to hurt her himself so we should show her that she cannot even defeat the likes of us soldati.¡±


    ¡°Obviously. Principessa, I¡¯m sorry. This will be a harsh lesson.¡±


    I wasn¡¯t an expert in hand to hand combat like Yang, but that didn¡¯t mean I was about to draw Myrtenaster against a bunny. I got into my best estimation of a boxer¡¯s stance. ¡°Yes, I suppose it will be.¡±


    X


    Pain.


    Everything was pain.


    I was laid out on the forest floor, staring up at the stars. My combat skirt had long been ruined with smudges of mud and grass. I couldn¡¯t even bring myself to be upset over that. The dress could be replaced but I¡¯d yet to determine if my shattered pride would ever recover.


    I didn¡¯t just lose; I got trashed.


    Souffle apparently had a Semblance. I¡¯d gone in expecting aura, how else would the little rascal talk, but that wasn¡¯t all. His fur had grown thickly, creating a fluffy armor that somehow felt delightful to touch yet was impossible to penetrate. Twin boxing gloves made of fluff covered his forepaws.


    After a while, to my eternal shame, I became frustrated enough to draw my sword.


    And then I started using my Semblance.


    And then I tapped into my dust reserves.


    And still lost.


    Myrtenaster¡¯s blade failed me. It could not pierce the dense fluff. What little I managed to cut merely tangled my blade until it was wrenched from my hand.


    Souffle hit hard. He wasn¡¯t as strong as Yang, but I suspected that was because he didn¡¯t have her mass. He was for sure faster though, fast enough to maybe compete with Ruby. Put those together and he made for a deceptively dangerous opponent. All told, I thought he¡¯d give some teachers a run for their money.


    ¡°This isn¡¯t fair,¡± I panted. ¡°How are you this strong?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not strong, principessa,¡± he said. He shrugged his little shoulders and the fluff that covered his paws like boxing gloves fell away. ¡°Capo Cuddles is much stronger than me. I¡¯ve never met her, but Don Fluffles must be a giant in comparison. It is said she can slay divine beasts with a flick of her whiskers.¡±


    ¡°And Tianyu?¡±


    ¡°Look up,¡± he pointed. ¡°See the moon? Good. Now grab it.¡±


    I fell silent at that answer. My brother commanded so much respect and loyalty. Maybe it was because he was the one who elevated them, but I didn¡¯t think that was all. It wasn¡¯t just them after all.


    His teammates, and Ruby and Yang, they all treated him like he was someone special. Amber was strong, so strong that it baffled me how someone like her could have gone unnoticed for so long. She made Pyrrha look like a complete rookie. I would have thought someone like that would challenge such a wishy-washy team leader, resent being under him like I had with Ruby at first, but she didn¡¯t. Instead, she deferred to him at every turn.


    Even Professor Goodwitch, as clearly infuriated with him as she was, still treated him differently. She acted like he wasn¡¯t someone she could discipline, like he was her equal and not a student.


    Clearly, my worries were unfounded.


    ¡°I¡­ I have a long way to go, huh?¡± I laughed bitterly.


    ¡°You do, but we all start somewhere. Il re said you left your home to find yourself,¡± Sorbet said kindly. ¡°I think you¡¯re in the right place, principessa.¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s not my real brother, is he?¡±


    ¡°What makes you say that?¡±


    ¡°This,¡± I said, waving my hands at all of them. ¡°He¡¯s too¡­ too much. His Semblance has some superficial similarities with mine, but he¡¯s too strong. Too perfect.¡±


    ¡°Does it matter? He adopted you anyway. Do you think he¡¯d call us from our task for just anyone?¡±


    ¡°No, I suppose not. Say, what is your directive? It¡¯s not like you just spend your days in the forest. Or do you? Did he make you to keep the Emerald Forest safe for travelers?¡±


    ¡°Not quite.¡±


    ¡°Then what do you do?¡±


    He tapped his feet nervously. ¡°Ah, that¡¯s¡­¡±


    ¡°Oh, look at that,¡± Semifreddo cut in. ¡°It¡¯s midnight. Our task is complete. Give il re our regards, principessa.¡±


    The four of them, along with the palm-sized black bunnies that seemed to fade into the shadows, vanished.


    Really, I supposed an adopted brother was fine¡­ But what could he be doing with an army of huntsmen-level bunnies?


    X


    Tianyu Yue


    ¡°You!¡± I heard as Weiss stomped up to me the next morning.


    ¡°Yes, my darling little sister?¡± I asked, sweet as honey. ¡°How was the cuddle puddle?¡±


    ¡°I-You-Agghhh!¡±


    ¡°I believe my point has been made.¡±


    ¡°It¡­ It has,¡± she said grudgingly.


    I slid over a cup of coffee and cut her a big slice of quiche. It was feta and spinach, simple, tasty, and not too heavy. I¡¯d made extra just for her after all. ¡°Good. Have some breakfast.¡±


    She took a seat with a huff and cut out a forkful of quiche into her mouth. She hummed in appreciation. ¡°You can¡¯t bribe me with food, you know.¡±


    ¡°Of course not,¡± I said with a smile, ignoring the way her actions betrayed her. ¡°Wouldn¡¯t dream of it.¡±


    ¡°I couldn¡¯t even do my homework last night because of you.¡±


    ¡°Mmhm. A tragedy, to be sure.¡±


    ¡°Exactly! Y-You need to make it up to me.¡±


    ¡°Of course. Care for a second slice?¡±


    ¡°Yes, please,¡± she said politely, dabbing at the corner of her mouth with a handkerchief. Then, ¡°But don¡¯t think this is enough!¡±


    ¡°I wouldn¡¯t dare. What can I do to make it up to my darling little sister?¡± I said with a chuckle.


    ¡°T-That¡¯s right. You¡¯re my b-brother¡­ A-And as my b-big brother, you have responsibilities.¡±


    ¡°Responsibilities I have not met, I assume?¡±


    ¡°R-Right! You have to train me!¡±


    ¡°Hmm¡­ It shouldn¡¯t be too hard to teach you summoning,¡± I mused. ¡°And if not, I can still teach you how to use a sword. Admittedly, a rapier and saber are two different things, but they¡¯re similar enough to qualify.¡±


    ¡°Really?¡±


    ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°Just like that?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t see why not. I mean, it¡¯s not like I actually do any schoolwork here.¡±


    The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    ¡°And what¡¯s with that?¡± she asked, jabbing her fork at me in a distinctly unladylike manner. ¡°The professors let you get away with way too much.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m fluffy. I¡¯ve charmed them all with the wonders of my fluffy ears. And food. Food is life, after all.¡±


    ¡°Ugh, you¡¯re ridiculous.¡±


    ¡°Yup.¡±


    The twins looked at each other with barely hidden amusement. ¡°She has no idea what she signed up for, does she, Mel?¡±


    ¡°No, no she does not. This should be fun.¡±


    X


    Capo Cuddles


    I looked over my crew, the Cuddles Crew. This was it, the very first of the Moonlit Famliglia in Remnant. We were the first, and with that privilege came the burden of establishing ourselves in the name of his majesty, the Jade Rabbit.


    My soldati looked up at me expectantly. Semifreddo, Shortcake, Souffle, and Sorbet were fine hares all, blessed with strong minds and bodies. They would go out and conquer the underworld in the name of our king. The picciotti were small and weak, but swift and silent, melding into shadows. They would be our eyes and ears. Soon, the Moonlit Famiglia would reign over Vale from the shadows.


    But first, there was the issue of Detective Powers. That filthy copper dared insult his majesty. Retribution must be delivered. That was what we were gathered to discuss.


    ¡°You all know the mission?¡± I asked them.


    ¡°Of course, capo. We make that fucker regret being born,¡± Shortcake, a doe with light, tan fur, said with a bloodthirsty grin. Il re gave her the power to make swords out of her own fur, and mayhaps a tad too much of the killing instinct. ¡°Lemme at him. Fucker won¡¯t be calling anyone no stinking terrorist.¡±


    ¡°We can¡¯t do that,¡± Sorbet, her brother and the sniper of my squad, said quietly. ¡°You know il re¡¯s orders. We need this to be quiet.¡±


    ¡°You just want your shot at him.¡±


    ¡°No, we can¡¯t end him. Il re said he should be miserable. Our job is to make his life as inconvenient as possible.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s right,¡± I said. ¡°He explicitly told us that the detective ain¡¯t to come to harm. No broken kneecaps, no fallin¡¯ down the stairs, no cement boots. No nothing.¡±


    ¡°Well what¡¯s the fun in that?¡± Shortcake huffed.


    ¡°It ain¡¯t fun. This is a mission, a stealth mission.¡±


    ¡°Hold on,¡± Sorbet cut in. ¡°That¡¯s all well and good, but are you sure il re wants this to be a stealth mission?¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s what I heard. Ya sayin¡¯ my hearing¡¯s goin¡¯ bad?¡±


    ¡°No, capo, what I mean is, we¡¯re not going to remain quiet forever, right? The Moonlit Familiglia is going to take over the underworld.¡±


    ¡°We are.¡±


    ¡°How are we going to do that if no one knows we exist?¡±


    That did seem contradictory. The five of us fell silent in thought. Il re had plans; he had to. Which meant we were the ones who hadn¡¯t thought things through yet.


    ¡°I don¡¯t think he means for us to be quiet forever,¡± Semifreddo said. ¡°I think his majesty just wants us to keep things subtle, make sure we¡¯re not taken too seriously by the cops or the government. It should be fine to make a name for ourselves underground.¡±


    ¡°What makes you say that, sis?¡± Souffle, who¡¯d been silent until now, asked. He wasn¡¯t lazy per se, but he was the one who wanted to finish the job as soon as possible so he could get back to lounging around.


    ¡°He revealed us to the principessa and that Amber girl¡¯s met the capo.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I remember her. She¡¯s strong, for a human, but also kinda soft. She ain¡¯t ready for the tough life so it¡¯s a  good thing il re¡¯s keeping an eye on her,¡± I nodded. Now that she mentioned it, the picture was starting to paint itself. ¡°Say, the other two broads on his team, ain¡¯t they some kinda mob too?¡±


    ¡°That''s what I heard from the picciotto, capo.¡±


    ¡°So the bossman''s already been making inroads with the locals. That means it should be fine to approach their don.¡±


    ¡°Sounds good,¡± Sorbet said. ¡°That should give us resources and manpower. So what do we do with the detective?¡±


    ¡°Alright, I''ve decided. We''ll split up. Sorbet and I will talk to this Junior fella. Get a read on him and make sure he knows where his loyalties lie now.¡±


    ¡°What about us?¡± Shortcake asked with a frown. ¡°Don¡¯t tell me we¡¯re going to be sitting around digging up clovers while you two have all the fun.¡±


    ¡°Nah, it ain¡¯t like that, Shortcake. You and Souffle look into the other gangs. There¡¯s gotta be a few smaller ones out there. Beat ¡®em up and take ¡®em down. Let ¡®em know there¡¯s a new king in town.¡±


    ¡°Got it. We can consolidate,¡± Souffle said with a nod.


    ¡°And me?¡± Semifreddo raised a paw in question.


    ¡°You¡¯ve got the best ears out of all of us,¡± I told her. ¡°You¡¯re gonna lead the picciotti. Take your group and bug the shit outta Powers. Get creative. I¡¯ll leave it to you.¡±


    ¡°Aye, capo. I can do that,¡± she said with an earnest nod. ¡°We¡¯ll stick with the classics for now¡­¡±


    ¡°Good. We, the Cuddles Crew, are the first of the Moonlit Famiglia on Remnant. We will not disappoint his majesty.¡±


    ¡°Aye, capo!¡± my crew cried out as one.


    They did an old bunny proud.


    X


    Hei ¡°Junior¡± Xiong


    LIfe was¡­ not good¡­ but decent enough. It had been a week since the twins left with Tianyu and the worst I¡¯d had to deal with were some customers complaining that the food wasn¡¯t as good as it used to be. Lenny and the boys tried their best, but they hadn¡¯t quite mastered the bunny¡¯s recipes. Even considering that, the club brought in more money than ever before.


    That said, not all was peaceful. There were stirrings in the background. Someone had let slip that the twins, my top enforcers, were off in Beacon, turning over a new leaf. They weren¡¯t, Tianyu sure as shit wasn¡¯t some angel, but the rumor gave other, lesser gangs ideas. I¡¯d probably have to go smack them around a bit, maybe get the twins back for a weekend.


    Then there was whatever the hell Roman and Neo were up to. Roman surrendered to Glynda Goodwitch over a dust robbery, allegedly, but I had it on good authority that a snow-white bunny was involved. The crook didn¡¯t stay in jail of course, not even for a full twenty-four hours, before Neo broke him out. They¡¯d been keeping their heads down but I doubted that would last; I knew those two too well to think otherwise.


    Lastly, there was talk about the White Fang beginning to move.


    Oh, I wasn¡¯t stupid. I realized pretty damn quickly that Tianyu was the one who met the farmer; there was no one else insane enough to solicit a farmer for corn husks at one in the fucking morning. But that didn¡¯t mean anyone else knew what was going on.


    From what I could gather, the White Fang thought there was some kind of ¡°super-faunus¡± secret agent. His hypothetical mission ranged from destabilizing the police force, taking hostage the local food supplies, to peddling some new drug. All of that would be hilarious if I thought people were smart enough to not act on baseless rumors.


    Unfortunately, I¡¯d been in the gig long enough to never underestimate human idiocy. Depending on how the VPD and the Fang reacted, things could get messy as rumors snowballed out of control.


    Which was bad for business.


    In a time when the twins were stuck in school of all things.


    Oh, I could call them back, but they would bring the bunny with them, and that was like throwing a grenade down a rabbit hole. I had no doubt he could solve whatever needed solving, but the question was, what other steaming shitheap would he leave me with when he was finished?


    I knew from living with him for over a month: Tianyu did not think like normal people. He functioned off some weird sense of reciprocity mixed with condescension, as if he was the only adult in the room and everyone, from blondie to the twins, were children he needed to scold and guide along the right path.


    That, and whatever fucked up mentality that made him decide that being a chef was the greatest profession of all.


    He also seemingly had zero sense of scale. A destroyed club could be forgiven with an apology to the chef, not the dozens of other boys that blondie actually beat up. A broken weapon would be repaid with another made using some kind of super-metal no one¡¯s ever heard of. And, if the farmer was right, corn husks were paid off using magic drugs that could fix anything.


    I really wanted to test that last one, but Ozpin had taken them out of my reach long before I¡¯d heard the full story. Any attempt to acquire a bottle for myself would be far too messy for my liking.


    All told, ¡°proportional response¡± had a very different meaning to the fucking bunny than to us normal folk. I didn¡¯t even want to know what he¡¯d do if the twins convinced him to take out the gangs.


    Which was why I slammed my head back down on the pillow in exasperation. I was about to go to sleep. Considering the things set in motion, this might well be my last night of uninterrupted sleep for weeks.


    ¡°Tianyu sent you?¡± I asked, groaning up at the figure. Rhetorical question, there weren¡¯t many people who¡¯d break into my room like this. The ones who could were much more likely to leave a bomb, not a pair of oversized rabbits.


    ¡°Aye, il re sent me. Capo Cuddles of the Moonlit Famiglia. Nice to meet¡¯cha, Junior,¡± the bigger one, pitch-black with a shock of white fur over his chest in the shape of a four-pointed star, grunted out. He had a distinct accent I couldn¡¯t quite place but I felt he needed a cigar to finish his look. ¡°This here¡¯s Sorbet, a soldato in my crew. We need to talk.¡±


    ¡°Brothers, I better not be dreaming¡­¡±


    ¡°Ya ain¡¯t dreamin¡¯. Get up.¡±


    ¡°You say that, but rabbits don¡¯t talk.¡±


    ¡°We do. Get used to it, bub.¡±


    They stared at me intently. I didn¡¯t know what it was that made me get up, but get up I did. Maybe I didn¡¯t feel comfortable with the little shits staring at me in bed.


    I tried to ignore the distinct shiver of danger that crawled down my spine. He looked like any other rabbit, just freakishly large, but I couldn¡¯t dismiss my instincts. They were screaming that this little fuzzball was dangerous.


    I poured myself a glass of whiskey. Then, wondering why the hell not, I poured a second and third tumbler before sliding them over. ¡°You drink?¡±


    ¡°Heh, good man,¡± Capo Cuddles said. He, somehow, picked up his glass and swirled it around like a fucking expert before taking a sip. No, he didn¡¯t have opposable thumbs. Yes, he picked it up anyway. Next to him, the one called Sorbet did the same but took noticeably smaller sips, like a watchful guard should. ¡°Mmm, it¡¯s got a nice smell to it. You¡¯ve got the good stuff, huh?¡±


    ¡°Only the best,¡± I replied. It was surreal, how the hell did they do that without thumbs?


    Still, I quashed my reservations and engaged the two in small talk. Capo Cuddles was an easygoing fellow, the kind of man who knew what he was about. Meanwhile, Soldato Sorbet was much more serious and kept his words brief.


    They made a good pair. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine I was sharing a drink with two veteran mobsters.


    I suppressed a sigh as I realized that I would forever be forced to associate the name ¡°Capo Cuddles¡± with serious gang negotiations from this point forward.


    Tianyu was fucking with me.


    He had to be.


    ¡°So, what¡¯s this about?¡± I asked neutrally.


    ¡°You, joining the famiglia. Well, let¡¯s say we¡¯re to be¡­ associates.¡±


    ¡°Tianyu started his own gang and wants me to join.¡±


    ¡°Heh, that¡¯s right. We¡¯ll be taking over the underworld eventually. For now? We¡¯ll keep things nice and quiet-like. There¡¯s some stinkin¡¯ pig we gotta deal with first.¡±


    ¡°Who-Detective Powers?¡±


    ¡°Good, the famiglia could use smart associates.¡±


    ¡°Did¡­ Did Tianyu send a hit squad of talking bunnies to off a detective?¡± I asked, only partially in disbelief. Given all the other shit I¡¯d seen him do, this wasn¡¯t as much of a surprise as it should¡¯ve been.


    ¡°Eh,¡± Capo Cuddles grunted, waving his paw back and forth. ¡°Il re don¡¯t move like that. He said he wants this quiet-like, and that means we can¡¯t off the bastard. We¡¯re to make his life real inconvenient. I¡¯ve got my best gal and the picciotti on the job.¡±


    ¡°The wha-Never mind, I don¡¯t need to know. So you want me to feed you and your¡­ famiglia¡­ information while you lot keep to the shadows?¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s right. Some of my boys are out on the town. Let¡¯s say they¡¯re doing a little¡­ fall cleaning, eh? They¡¯re off sifting through the dirt, picking up all the good carrots. As for the rest, well, they ain¡¯t nearly as polite as me and Sorbet here. Ya hear me?¡±


    I heard what he wasn¡¯t saying: My group got a pass because I was useful, probably because the twins got in good with their don. The ¡°Moonlit Famiglia¡± was consolidating power. Cuddles, and holy shit was that word starting to sound ominous, had sent his buddies out to beat up the other gangs, maybe picking up a few of the more useful guys while they were at it to increase manpower. Those were probably the ¡°carrots¡± he was talking about.


    I almost pitied the poor bastards. At least I had a frame of reference for Tianyu¡¯s bullshit. Getting my ass handed to me by a hit squad of literal rabbits would probably have made me kill myself from the sheer indignity of it all otherwise.


    And, surprisingly, I believed Cuddles. I believed he could kick my ass, never mind that I had a good ten times his weight on him. There was an aura of danger about him, an air of competence and self-assuredness I¡¯d only seen in the most veteran of huntsmen. It was the confidence of a man who knew he could murder everyone in the building if he needed to. Capo Cuddles was a rabbit that walked like a lion.


    Still, I wasn¡¯t about to be intimidated by literal rabbits. Not even rabbit faunus, or whatever Tianyu was, literal rabbits. Tianyu scared the shit out of me, but I wasn¡¯t that far gone yet.


    ¡°You realize I¡¯m gonna need more from you than just promises,¡± I said sternly. ¡°You¡¯re free to buy information like everyone else, Capo Cuddles, but I run a business here.¡±


    ¡°Fine, let¡¯s start with something nice and easy: Powers. Everything you know about him. I want a list of his family and friends. I wanna know where he lives, what he likes to eat, how much he makes, the whole shebang.¡±


    ¡°I can do that. Powers isn¡¯t important enough to keep tabs on, but I can have someone get into the records. It¡¯ll cost you though.¡±


    ¡°Go on¡­¡±


    ¡°See, there¡¯s a group called the Scorpions down by the docks. They mostly smuggle drugs in and out of the ports.¡±


    ¡°You want us to off ¡®em? Shortcake and Souffle should make their rounds eventually. I can move them up the list. Then you and yours can take over that territory.¡±


    I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Tianyu wasn¡¯t just fucking with me. His entire famiglia was named after dessert apparently. Except Cuddles, for whatever reason.


    ¡°No, I don¡¯t want control of the docks. I already know what goes in and out of Vale and that¡¯s good enough for me,¡± I told him. ¡°I just want you to destroy their newest drug sample; they¡¯re too addictive and Raul, the leader of the Scorpions, isn¡¯t thinking about the long-term profits.¡±


    ¡°I hear ya. Too much destroys lives and the customers can¡¯t spend money they don¡¯t have so you want the drugs kept under control.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s right. Take out the drugs and I¡¯ll have an information packet ready for you.¡±


    Capo Cuddles leaned back, stroking the four-pointed star on his breast like a beard. ¡°Alright, we have a deal, Junior. Consider it done.¡±


    Then, the two vanished in a blur of speed, almost as if they¡¯d never been there at all. I felt like I was dreaming, but the two tumblers of whiskey were proof: Tianyu was fucking insane.


    Author¡¯s Note


    Today, my parents are celebrating their 60th birthdays. It''s a huge deal in Korean culture (five cycles of the 12 annual zodiac). In honor of that, I allowed ACL chat to choose what chapter they wanted. Here''s Patreon''s share.


    Yes, I probably butchered Italian. No, I don¡¯t care. It¡¯s funnier this way.


    If an Authority is used to create a familiar, that familiar is technically a divine beast, right? No matter how humble the starting animal, it inherits a bit of that god/Campione¡¯s power.


    Pity Junior. The man has the dubious honor of being the first on Remnant to figure out what being friends with a Campione is like.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 24

    Homeless Bunny 24


    Malcolm Powers


    I bolted out of bed. My wife was screaming, a piercing shriek that sent stabbing pain into my eardrums. Her panic banished the fog of sleep and sent my heart pounding into my throat.


    "What? What?" I shouted. My hand went into the top drawer of my bedside table. I always kept my pistol nearby, just in case. You could never trust those animals.


    The nightlight on Samantha''s side of the bed was on. She was holding something in her hand. Her hands shook like leaves in the wind. No, not something, a severed head.


    "Holy shit!" I slapped it out of her hand and it fell to the ground with a dull thunk. That, more than anything, drew me out of my mounting panic. I took a closer look and felt hysterical laughter bubble up in my throat. "S-Sam, relax, that''s just fruit."


    "Wha-"


    "Fruit. A pumpkin. See?"


    "I-What the hell? Did you do this, Malcolm?"


    "What? No!"


    I got up and turned on the light. The shadows that loomed long were banished, revealing a head-sized pumpkin. It had been carved and polished meticulously until it could have sat alongside a marble bust in a museum. The only part of the pumpkin that looked rough was the base of the "neck," which had been left intentionally shredded and dipped in some kind of crimson syrup to give the illusion of a painful death.


    I knew who he was: Colonel Powers, a war hero of the Faunus Revolution, my grand-uncle. He was one of the leaders of the humanist faction in Vale, the one who wanted to protect human jobs and livelihoods and paid for it with his life. He''d been captured and beheaded when he refused to disclose the location of faunus prisoners, a patriot to the end.


    My heartbeat had just began to settle when it kicked up with a passion. Rage, hot, burning rage filled me. Someone had clearly done their research about my family, and turned my ancestor''s good name into a sick mockery.


    I could guess who. It didn''t take a genius to tell; only a filthy faunus would spit on a man''s legacy like this.


    "M-Malcolm, look," Samantha whispered.


    She was pointing at the shelves and walls. We weren''t much for decorating. Sam had a few ornaments, a cracked geode with pretty colors, and a few self-help books, but we weren''t the sort to overstuff the shelves. We liked things nice and tidy. And that made the carrots stand out all the more.


    Carrots. Carrots were fucking everywhere. They''d been carved into stick figures, each posed as if in mid-execution. One was even hanging off my coat rack, its broken neck carved so accurately that even a coroner would be impressed. Another had been dunked into the glass of water Sam kept by the table, with oversized feet that could only be cement boots. Everywhere I looked, a macabre scene greeted me.


    The walls that had been dyed a deep, unsettling crimson, presumably to add to the ambiance. The paint was still glossy, still wet, and caught the light like fresh blood. Atop the red was a silver emblem: a stylized rabbit''s head overlaid inside a crescent moon. Beneath the bunny was my police badge, shattered into pieces and stapled haphazardly to the wall. There was a message too:


    The King of the Moonlit Famiglia sends his regards.


    I laughed, more because I had no idea how else to react. What kind of moron left this kind of evidence? It was ridiculous, so over the top that it stopped being intimidating and circled straight back around to being funny.


    Almost


    I was going to find the bastards that did this and I was going to wear their fucking pelts like hats.


    Sam tugged on my shirt. "Honey, do you smell that?"


    "What? I don''t smell anyth-"


    "Smoke."


    "Shit! Out! Out! Out!"


    Acrid smoke began to sting my eyes as I grabbed some essentials and woke up the kids. They were almost as pissed as I was, but I''d rather they be inconvenienced than inhaling smoke. As I left, I noticed a sound I hadn''t noticed before: the dryer was running for some fucking reason.


    I tried to shut it off, it was probably what was causing all this smoke, but by then, the fire had spread to the door and I couldn''t get inside. This was what I got for getting one of those "whisper-quiet" models.


    Being a police family, it didn''t take long for emergency services to come to my house. Nor was it difficult to find the exact source of the fire. They got the fire under control in a few minutes. It could have been bad but it hadn''t had enough time to spread from the laundry room.


    My hands shook with anger as I held clumps of hair. More specifically, fur. Thick, short, sinfully soft, and oh so flammable.


    "I don''t know how this got into your dryer vent, detective," the fire chief said. "You and your boys have a pet?"


    "No, no we don''t," I said, barely suppressing my anger. The good fireman didn''t deserve me exploding on him.


    "Well, I don''t even know what animal this is."


    I could guess. "Rabbit. It''s fucking rabbit."


    "How can you tell?"


    "I¡­ Call it a hunch."


    X


    Semifreddo


    I looked down at the detective and his family. They all made it out without a single scratch, just as planned. I wouldn''t have bothered having the picciotto wake the wife if I wanted them to burn with the house.


    No, that would be too easy. Tonight was merely a declaration of intent, something to let him know that the famiglia was onto him.


    He would not find death''s merciful embrace. As a proud soldato of the Moonlit Famiglia, the wishes of his majesty were my reason for existence. And his majesty has demanded that Malclom Powers suffer.


    With a cheerful grin, I hopped away.


    X


    Tianyu Yue


    I hummed happily as I stirred my pot of adasi. Adasi, or Persian lentil soup, was one of the more popular breakfast foods in Iran. I''d learned it from the great aunt of a friend who agreed to host me for a few days during my travels. It usually consisted of lentils, onions, and dried mint and had a mild, hearty flavor that soothed the soul for the day ahead.


    Personally, I also liked to add tumeric, allspice, and paprika along with small cubes of pan-seared pork belly for additional richness. It wasn''t traditional, and if I was being honest, wasn''t strictly an improvement over the recipe I''d been taught, but I found that the added pieces of pre-fried bacon helped mesh the dish with a more American palate.


    Next to that simmering pot were two, large frying pans filled with a spinach omelet, another Iranian staple. A bit of goat cheese helped it stand out from a more typical diner-style omelet the people of Vale seemed to favor.


    I''d prepared an extra-large batch today. The portions I''d taken to making had steadily grown each morning. Weiss claimed that she "had the right to start each day in her brother''s company." Ruby then followed her, claiming "partner privileges," and shot me the most pitiful puppy eyes I''d ever seen. After that, it felt rude to exclude the other half of team RWBY.


    Not that I minded of course.


    Food is life. Cooking is art. Cuisine is history.


    So long as there were people to feed, I was happy.


    "Come in, Oz," I said. I''d heard his footsteps. The distinct knock of a cane was unmistakable. In a blur, I poured out another mug of coffee for the addict. "You may as well join us for breakfast."


    "Ozpin?" Amber asked. Out of everyone on my team, she alone had the manners to at least pretend she wasn''t stuffing her face as fast as humanly possible. "What are you doing here?"


    "That''s Headmaster Ozpin, Amber. Really, I''d have thought you''d have some proper etiquette," Weiss sniffed.


    "Why? I grew up on a farm. Besides, the old goat almost got me killed. Technically, we can drop the ''almost.''"


    "What?" Blake asked, briefly raising her head from her omelet.


    "What?" Amber replied innocently.


    Ozpin coughed awkwardly as he picked up the mug. "You know, if you didn''t insist on traveling without an esco-"


    "Still your divorce."


    "You''re not going to let this go, are you?"


    "Hmm¡­ Nah."


    "Wait, Professor Ozpin was married?" Yang asked. Next to her, Ruby, who''d been there when Oz and Glynda gave me the rundown in jail, let out a haunted whimper. There were secrets she definitely wasn''t ready for.


    This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    I clapped to stop the budding argument. "None of that, Amber. He technically wasn''t responsible for you getting ambushed."


    Oz took a sip of his joe and hummed in contentment. "Thank you, Tianyu."


    "By all means, give him shit over the messiest divorce in history but not over breakfast. Conversations that ruin the meal are prohibited."


    "Oh, that''s what you''re concerned with?" Yang muttered under her breath.


    "Duh. Do you not know bun-bun by now?" my partner replied. "So, what''s up, old man?"


    "I came to check in with Tianyu over an interesting story I''d heard. A certain detective''s house burned down, you know."


    All eyes snapped to me. "I take it that this is the same detective who called me a White Fang terrorist?"


    "Quite."


    "Well, I honestly have no idea how that could have happened."


    "You''ll have to forgive an old man his suspicions."


    "I don''t know what to tell you, Oz. I haven''t visited Vale this week."


    "Yeah, Tianyu wouldn''t do that," Ruby defended me like the adorable puppy she was.


    "Can confirm. If fluffy wants to off someone, he''d just go punch a hole through their chest. He wouldn''t bother burning their house down," Melanie said. Then, when everyone looked at her with horror, she shrugged. "What? We were all thinking it."


    "Melanie''s right. I tend to be a bit more direct if I want someone dead. It comes with being a Campione; we''re not really known for our patience and restraint. But, again, I really didn''t have anything to do with this one," I repeated.


    Weiss buried her head in her palms. "Oh, Brothers, my brother is a murderer."


    "Untrue. A Campione is king over whatever nation he chooses to occupy unless it is already claimed by another Campione. Murder is the taking of another human life via unlawful means. I am the king and therefore the law. Ergo, I factually cannot commit murder."


    "... and delusional¡­"


    Ozpin coughed uncomfortably. He still didn''t know what a Campione was exactly, he had no context for that here on Remnant, but he could sense mana. The constant outpouring of mana I gave off that could rival an elder god like Odin or Amaterasu gave him a good idea of what I meant.


    He flipped his scroll around and presented it to me. "Be that as it may, are you certain you had nothing to do with this?"


    On the screen was a wall with a silver rabbit''s head encircled by a crescent moon. Beneath it read:


    The King of the Moonlit Famiglia sends his regards.


    I could feel Weiss'' judgmental glare. "Tianyu, did you commit terrorism because someone accused you of being a terrorist?"


    "No¡­?"


    "Then pray tell why someone left your emblem as a calling card."


    "It''s not my emblem," I muttered. "It doesn''t have any kitchen utensils."


    "That''s your takeaway here?"


    "Okay, maybe the Cuddles Crew were a bit¡­ overeager¡­"


    "The Cuddles Crew?" Ozpin asked. He looked about as baffled as any other world leader I''d ever dealt with, which put him in good company.


    "Bunnies given sentience and superpowers. I themed them after the mafia. You know, a boss, underboss, crew chief, soldiers, the works."


    "What exactly did you tell them to do?"


    "I just said they should inconvenience Detective Powers!"


    "Yes, being homeless is rather inconvenient," Blake chimed in, then coughed awkwardly. "N-Not that I''d know anything about that of course¡­"


    I sighed. "Fine, so I ought to speak with my bunnies."


    "Yes, that would be prudent," Oz said, sipping at his coffee. "Will you be in Vale today?"


    "Yeah, I need to check on the club and make sure the twins don''t humiliate Yang too much."


    "Yes, you need to put a stop to this foolish ''Moonlit Famiglia'' business," Weiss sniffed. "Do you have any idea how scandalous it would be to have a respected huntsman at the helm of a crime syndicate?"


    The twins looked at each other, then promptly burst out laughing.


    "Hahaha, you''re hilarious, princess," Miltia giggled.


    "What? What''s so funny?"


    "Most crime syndicates are led by a huntsman, former or otherwise."


    "That''s not true! Sure, some of those ruffians might have aura, but they''re hardly huntsmen."


    My partner scarfed down the last of her omelet and waved her fork at Yang. "Blondie''s mom is one of the most wanted women alive and leads the strongest bandit tribe in the world. She''s a Beacon graduate."


    Melanie joined in, waving vaguely in the direction of team VALN''s dorm room. "That chameleon girl was actually White Fang, unlike our bun-bun. Pretty sure she''ll go right back to them if/when she leaves Beacon."


    "She wouldn''t!" Blake cut in. "Ilia''s not like that!"


    "If you say so. Anyway, what I''m saying is: Crime and huntsmen have a funny relationship. It''s not as unusual as you''d think to have a huntsman or several in a crime family."


    "W-Well it''s still wrong!" Weiss said. "Just because someone else does it doesn''t mean it''s right! Would you jump off a cliff because someone told you to?"


    "Yes. We all did. Last week in fact," Melanie replied dryly.


    Weiss'' face was burning a nice, rosy hue. It was so adorable that I couldn''t help myself. I slung an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a side-hug. "Cheer up, big-little sister. You will be the head of the SDC one day. I will conquer the underworld. And together, we shall rule all of Remnant with an iron fist! Mwahahahahaha!"


    My "little sister" sputtered incoherently, though whether in embarrassment or rage was anyone''s guess. She wiggled out of my embrace and tried to elbow me in the kidney. "No! You''re not going to be a mafioso! And the SDC won''t get involved with organized crime!"


    "You sure about that?" Miltiades drawled. "How sure are you that, if Mel and I started digging, we wouldn''t find a shitload of connections from corrupt politicians back to Jacques Schnee?"


    "W-Well¡­"


    "Or are you saying corruption, embezzlement, bribery, and extortion are okay but a good ol'' protection racket or gambling ring is wrong?"


    "They''re both wrong! A-And! When I take over the SDC, things will be different!"


    "If you really think about it, there is very little difference between a mafia and a predatory corporation like the SDC," Blake said. She had on a stoic mask but she couldn''t fool me. She was enjoying herself more than she''d care to admit. Clearly, with her status as ex-Fang out, she didn''t get along with her white-haired teammate. "They''re both institutional structures designed to consolidate wealth for those at the very top, to the detriment of everyone else."


    "Oh, so says the terrorist!"


    "We''re not terrorists! We''re freedom fighters! And you know what? At least a gang protects the people it has under its rule to make money, whereas the SDC is notorious for its labor violations."


    This was quickly getting out of hand. I''d likely have to intervene between Blake and Weiss eventually, especially if that Ilia girl got involved, but this wasn''t the time for this particular can of worms.


    My finger blurred, and with it the Wooden Spoon of Gentle Guidance. Two sharp, satisfying cracks filled the air. Both girls reeled back, clutching their abused noses.


    "Ow!"


    "Why me!"


    "Both of you, knock it off," I chided. "In any case, I''ll be having words with Cuddles so you can relax. They''ve been out for only a few days. I doubt they''ve caused too much trouble."


    "R-Right. There are only five of those big bunnies," Weiss said. "The argument is moot because you can''t start a true mafia with five bunnies. We''re blowing things out of proportion. It''s not like Tianyu can conquer the underworld without even leaving Beacon."


    Pointed silence from Oz, Ruby, Yang, and my team was the answer.


    "Right¡­?"


    X


    In hindsight, giving Capo Cuddles such a long leash may have been a mistake. Not that he wasn''t loyal, of course. He was an anointed beast, uplifted by the power of a divine Authority. He was as loyal as they came. The problem was, he was a little too eager to sing my praises, and ensure that everyone else sang the same song.


    My team plus Yang approached the club. It was late morning, many hours before the club would open. Junior''s had recovered from Yang''s rampage, but I''d almost have preferred the ruined decor to this. The "Junior''s" logo outside had been changed. Now, a white rabbit slept inside the "o," relaxing languidly as if it owned the place.


    Below, on one wall right next to the bar menu, was a sign that read, "All bunnies eat free." That was fine. That was tasteful, even, a quiet homage to yours truly.


    No, what wasn''t fine was everything else. The interior had been remodeled again, the second time post-Yang, to include as many bunnies as possible. The wallpaper had been replaced by a black and gold diamond pattern. Inside each diamond was a white rabbit with a black bowtie and a cigar. Each booth had a table with a glass statue of the same. An oil painting of six bunnies playing poker sat behind the bar. I didn''t even want to know where Junior found it. Hell, even the lights had been replaced by glass bunnies.


    The boys weren''t immune to these changes either. Instead of those tacky, orange ties, they had even tackier, blood-red ties with little, white bunny heads on them. The orange sunglasses had been replaced with the same, red-hued shades, except the frames were now in the shape of bunnies. Worst of all, they were all wearing pink bunny slippers.


    And, to put the cherry on top of this bizarre cake, everyone was wearing bunny ears. Big. Fluffy. Foot-long. Bunny ears.


    Off in the corner, I could see that someone had taken DJ Teddy out to the farm. The teddy bear head had been replaced by a big, white bunny with crimson eyes that glowed with inlaid LED lights.


    "Okay," I admitted, "I may have underestimated my bunnies, slightly."


    "Slightly?" Amber asked, eyebrow raised in judgment. She tried valiantly but I could see her suppressing her laughter.


    The twins, however, had zero shame.


    "Hahahahaha! L-Look, we have a DJ Bunny now! Hahahaha!" Miltia laughed.


    I jabbed Miltia in the side but that just made her laugh even louder. "It''s not funny!"


    "Hahahaha, it is. It''s fucking hilarious."


    I ignored them, even when Yang joined the twins on the ground, wheezing for breath. Instead, I grabbed the first mook I could find by his stupid tie.


    "You. Junior. Where?" I growled.


    "U-Upstairs, bunnyfather, sir!" he squeaked out.


    That got them cracking up all over again. I took a deep breath. It wasn''t his fault. He probably had no say in how the club was decorated, or what stupid shit Junior decided was fit for a gang uniform. And maybe, if I told myself that enough times, I wouldn''t feel the need to punt him to the moon.


    I was about to stalk off but was stopped by Amber placing a calming hand on my shoulder.


    "Is this so bad?" she asked. She''d mostly gotten it out of her system.


    "It''s embarrassing," I grumbled. "Look at all this!"


    "Yes, but think of the silver lining before you go off to do something you might regret later."


    I took a deep breath. Amber was right; angry-Tianyu did silly things, things that tended to upend the global economy. Then again, Amber had exactly zero experience running an organization, never mind a mob. I was curious. "Please, enlighten me. What silver lining?"


    Amber shrugged with a sheepish smile. "I don''t know. I was hoping you could think of one."


    "Amber¡­"


    "What? Hey, at least it''s funny?"


    I allowed myself a ghost of a smile. "Maybe a little¡­"


    "Oh! And, you said cooking is always the most important thing!"


    I nodded. "Of course it is. Food is life. Cooking is art. Cuisine is history."


    "So if everyone thinks the Moonlit Famiglia is a joke, no one will bother you, right?" she tried. And, I had to give it to her; that was a very good point. "That detective you''re upset with is probably going to look really stupid if the mobsters all dress like this."


    "You do raise some valid points¡­"


    "So¡­?"


    "So I should lean into this. The dumber we all look, the more likely I am to be left alone." I gave Amber a big hug. "You''re a genius!"


    She preened. "I have my moments."


    I turned to the twins. "Say, do either of you know a good tailor?"


    Melanie stopped giggling long enough to answer. "Yeah, why?"


    "I''m thinking we need new uniforms. You know, have some fun with this whole shitshow Junior calls interior decorating. Know what a playboy bunny is?"


    "No?"


    "Right, Hugh Hefner isn''t a thing here. Think fishnet stockings, a one-piece swimsuit with a built-in pushup bra, and a set of starched collar and wrists without the sleeves or jacket. Oh, and a bowtie and bunny ears."


    "Sounds kinky. Wait¡­ No¡­ You wouldn''t¡­"


    "I mean, look around. I think Junior''s already done the hard part of decorating. We may as well go all-in. It strikes me that we have four attractive ladies to help wait tables."


    "Wait, why am I included?" Yang asked, horrified.


    "Because sex sells and you owe money."


    "I''m not wearing that," Amber said. "No way am I going to be caught in something so¡­ risqu¨¦."


    "But, Amber, dear, you''re the one who said I should lean into this nonsense," I replied with a vicious grin.


    Author''s Note


    I legitimately have no clue what I''m doing with this fic. Usually, I have some idea of what I''m going to write next, but this one''s been an adventure. I think it might be because I started writing this when I was drunk and now sober-Fable is trying to keep up with this, really stupid story idea.


    Either way, have a bunny fact: Rabbits show happiness by hopping into the air and twisting their heads and bodies in opposite directions. The act is called a "binky." No, I don''t know why.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 25

    Homeless Bunny 25


    I was joking of course, much to their relief. Not that I was above humiliating them for my amusement, that was practically ninety percent of shonen martial arts training, but I didn¡¯t want to explain to my wife how I accidentally ended up owning a strip club.


    The part that would annoy her most wasn¡¯t that I¡¯d have my paws in something lewd, more that I¡¯d coerced my disciples into it as well. ¡°Corrupting the next generation,¡± she¡¯d call it. Considering she placed a high premium on the Confuican virtues, she¡¯d likely frown on such a thing.


    I had a feeling Luo Hao would visit at the most opportune time to have the biggest misunderstanding possible. Really, it came with being a Campione. We were Fatebreakers, but that also meant fate liked to fuck with us at every opportunity.


    I was seated in Junior¡¯s office, on his couch with my hands politely in my lap. The twins sat at either side, leaning into me like a pair of lazy cats. They¡¯d had their fun teasing Yang and decided that this was the more interesting drama for them to gawk at. Behind us stood Amber, who admired Junior¡¯s whiskey collection. The not-so-innocent Maiden apparently had a taste for rye, reminded her of her uncle¡¯s casks, she said.


    I loomed over all five of my bunnies and Junior. Junior had his legs straight, arms behind his back, ass in the air, and head buried into the floor of his office. Next to him, my bunnies were likewise prostrated, though they couldn¡¯t assume the same disciplinary position.


    I stared down at them judgmentally. ¡°Capo Cuddles, I gave you a directive. Repeat it back to me.¡±


    ¡°We were told to make that pig¡¯s life inconvenient, boss.¡±


    ¡°And what did you do?¡±


    ¡°We made his life inconvenient.¡±


    The twins snorted in amusement. Yes, arson did do that, technically speaking. I pinched the bridge of my nose. Campione couldn¡¯t really get headaches, but it was a near thing. ¡°By committing arson.¡±


    ¡°Aye, your majesty.¡±


    ¡°I believe I also told you to be discreet, or am I imagining that part?¡±


    ¡°Y-You did¡­¡±


    ¡°Explain your reasoning to me, capo. Why did you see fit to ignore half of my orders?¡±


    ¡°Ah, well, ya see¡­¡±


    ¡°It was my plan, your majesty,¡± Semifreddo spoke up. ¡°I was told to take care of it while the capo and the others quietly took over the local gangs.¡±


    Behind me came the sound of a heavy-bottomed glass tumbler hitting the oak table. Amber¡¯s palm met her face as she whispered in wonder. ¡°Holy shit, you¡¯re really taking over the underworld with bunnies¡­¡±


    ¡°Let me get this straight. You set fire to the detective¡¯s house while the rest of the crew¡­ What exactly have you been doing, Cuddles?¡± I was a little afraid to ask.


    ¡°Ah, like Semifreddo said, boss,¡± he coughed a little more confidently. ¡°We discreetly took over a few of the gangs in the local area. The brass know they¡¯re under new management and we had to knock some heads together, but no one except Junior here¡¯s wearing our mark.¡±


    ¡°I¡­ may have pointed them towards the Scorpions,¡± Junior added. I leveled him with a cold, weighted glare that he could feel even with his weight balanced on his head. ¡°L-Let me explain! The Scorpions are drug runners who move product from the pier. They recently got this new drug that¡¯s a lot more addictive and I asked Capo Cuddles to destroy the stash.¡±


    ¡°We did that. We also got some intel for ya, re.¡±


    ¡°Go on¡­¡± I motioned.


    ¡°Well, ya see, the drug¡¯s called the poison kiss. According to the boss of their little operation, it was developed by some nobodies called the Spiders.¡±


    The twins stiffened like a pair of cats that had their tails pulled, fully on alert. Melanie sucked air in through her teeth. ¡°Shit, mom¡¯s involved in this?¡±


    ¡°Damn it, things are going to get more complicated,¡± Miltia whined. ¡°Tianyu? Any chance you can just¡­ go blow up Mistral or something? Pretty please?¡±


    ¡°No, I¡¯m not going to wipe one of the only four major cities humans have off the map so you don¡¯t have to deal with your mother. Remind me again, what does your mother have to do with the Spiders again?¡±


    ¡°What doesn¡¯t she? She¡¯s the leader and rules most of Mistral¡¯s crime scene.¡±


    ¡°Huh, I didn¡¯t realize you two were mob royalty.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not really worth talking about.¡±


    ¡°Totes. Mom¡¯s really cunning. She might want a slice of the Vale market, or she might be making a play for more here,¡± Melanie added. ¡°It could be a problem.¡±


    ¡°And you want to blow up Mistral? With your mom in it?¡± Amber asked, mildly disturbed by it all. This was foreign territory to her.


    ¡°No, well, not actually¡­ Look, it¡¯s complicated, farm girl. We¡¯re pretty sure she likes us¡­¡±


    ¡°And we''re positive she had dad assassinated so she could take over the Spiders for herself,¡± Miltia finished for her twin.


    ¡°Yeah. She¡¯s always about power before everything else. There¡¯s a reason we¡¯re here and not in Mistral.¡±


    ¡°Oh, that does complicate things,¡± Amber muttered.


    I thought about it. Truthfully, besides using Don Fluffles and the Moonlit Famiglia as a running gag, I wasn¡¯t too invested in ruling. Back home, I had a truly massive territory: all of North America east of the Rockies, with my headquarters in New York. Annie and I agreed to this because she was too busy stamping down on all the cults and divine ancestors in South America, but I wasn¡¯t the one who asked for that much land. In fact, I first tried to reject it. After all, what use did a chef have for a kingdom?


    Even a hundred years later, I wasn¡¯t much of a ruler. Oh, Washington, DC and Ottawa were both on my side of the Rockies and that effectively let me set mundane laws and policies for the western world, but I mostly used that authority to establish federal scholarships for culinary schools or to fuck with semf-important politicians for shits and giggles.


    I knew I could do more, but the governments did well enough governing themselves. The implied threat of ¡°Fuck around and find out how fast a Campione can rip you a new asshole,¡± was usually enough that I didn¡¯t need to do much to keep them in line.


    If nothing else, the magical leadership was fully aware that I wouldn¡¯t lift a finger to help them should Annie get offended because they did something stupidly corrupt. That girl had her head screwed on right, as far as my siblings went anyway, and the last thing they wanted was to have two Campione paying them personal attention.


    ¡°So¡­¡± I began, ¡°is it so bad if we let her have Vale?¡±


    The twins froze. ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°Exactly what I said. What kind of ruler is your mother?¡±


    ¡°Fucking unhinged,¡± Melanie said. ¡°Okay, let me tell you a story, bun-bun. Once, she wanted to snap up a few gambling dens owned by someone else who didn¡¯t want to sell. She had his twelve year old son kidnapped and recorded a video of her forcing the boy to drink a painful, slow-acting poison. Then she gave the boy the antidote and told the man that she¡¯d only continue to give him the antidote for one month.


    ¡°Except, that antidote was a lie. The ¡®antidote¡¯ was actually minor dosages of a poison that built up in the kid¡¯s body. The real antidote was being dispersed in trace amounts through air vents in the room itself. Not enough to cure the kid, just enough to keep him from showing symptoms for a while even as the poison built up in his body. The father tracked the boy¡¯s location within the week and thought he¡¯d outplayed her.


    ¡°The moment he took his son out of the chamber, the kid started to cough blood and waste away because of the poison that hadn¡¯t been flushed from his system yet. She forced him to hold his dying son in his arms before she finally put a bullet in his head. That¡¯s the kind of unhinged I¡¯m talking about, Tianyu. She doesn¡¯t care about anything except ¡®expanding the web.¡¯¡±


    I was silent at that. What could I say? She wasn¡¯t the worst I¡¯d heard of, some of the fae princes that Annie had to treat with could be fucking brutal, but the fact that they came to mind at all was telling.


    I wasn¡¯t about to hop to Mistral to wring her little neck, but¡­


    ¡°She can¡¯t have Vale,¡± I said finally. It was a declaration, a Campione¡¯s royal edict. ¡°All influence from Mistral is to be stamped out, especially the Spiders and their proxies.¡±


    ¡°Yes, your majesty!¡± the Cuddles Crew replied as one.


    ¡°Does this mean you¡¯ll be taking Vale¡¯s underworld after all?¡± Melanie asked, stars twinkling in her eyes. I knew her well enough by now to know that this was what she wanted. Power. Prestige. Wealth. Influence. She wasn¡¯t quite as ruthless as her mother, but she was ambitious nonetheless, a direct contrast to Miltia, who was largely content with letting her twin have the show most of the time.


    The two were a good balance for one another. Ambition was all well and good, but I¡¯d noticed over the months that Melanie tended to go a bit too far at times, biting off more than she could chew or more than would be worth the trouble. Miltia, on the other hand, was far more lax and tended to ground her elder sister, providing the perspective needed to take a mellower approach.


    ¡°Yes, yes it does,¡± I said with a sigh. ¡°The easiest way to keep the Spiders out of Vale is to fill the power vacuum. The Moonlit Famiglia will suffice. But! There will be rules. No hard drugs. No kidnapping. No rape or sexual assault of any kind. When you hit someone up for protection money, you will protect them. Focus on clubs, gambling dens, fences for stolen goods, white-collar crime, and the information market.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re really going for the benevolent yakuza type huh?¡±


    ¡°Exactly. Anyone who doesn¡¯t get with the program gets one warning. Then exile from Vale. If they don¡¯t leave, kill them.¡±


    ¡°You can¡¯t just kill people off,¡± Yang protested. She¡¯d been silent until now, watching our back and forth like a tennis match. ¡°You¡¯re a huntsman!¡±


    ¡°For starters, I¡¯m a chef first and foremost. Second, I don¡¯t know what you think a huntsman does, but huntsmen are killers. It doesn¡¯t matter whether it¡¯s grimm or humans. In the end, the profession is one that exists to end lives.¡±


    ¡°But that¡¯s¡­¡±


    ¡°Yang, I understand that you¡¯re new to this, but I am already being more merciful than I should be. Truthfully, I should be sending a clear, brutal message and making an example of a few idiots so no one else steps out of line. I¡¯m not. Giving them the choice to relocate from Vale is downright kind of me.¡±


    ¡°How are you going to make sure people aren¡¯t abusing all this then?¡± she demanded. And, it was a fair point. Every organization had its rotten eggs, especially illicit groups like this one.


    The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.


    I snapped my fingers. From out of the shadows came sixteen pairs of eyes, shining in the low light. They bled into the shadows in a way that made mortal eyes glide across their silhouettes. ¡°I have eyes. I¡¯m sure someone will try to abuse my trust at some point. I¡¯m also sure that it is a problem that will arise just once.¡±


    ¡°This still feels wrong.¡±


    ¡°I know. Because it is. In an ideal world, I wouldn¡¯t need to take the reins at all. I don¡¯t like this either, believe it or not. My place is in the kitchen, not at the head of a criminal empire. But if I¡¯m doing this, I¡¯m going all-in. Vale is mine now. Cuddles, I¡¯m giving you a month to take over the rest of the gangs. Junior, you¡¯re going to run the operational side of things. Leave the fighting to the Cuddles Crew.¡±


    ¡°You know no one¡¯s going to take us seriously with a name like that, right?¡± he asked, the hypocrite. He too was wearing a set of plastic bunny ears.


    ¡°That¡¯s fine, ideal even. You are to suppress any rumors about the Moonlit Famiglia. In fact, that stupid outfit is now your permanent uniform. Every human and faunus member of the Moonlit Famiglia is to wear a set of bunny ears, a bunny-print tie, and bunny slippers. Oh, and those bunny-shaped sunglasses.¡±


    ¡°They¡¯ll treat us like jokes!¡±


    ¡°And what a marvelous joke it shall be,¡± I said with a toothy grin. Play a prank on me, will he? I was married to Luo Hao. Doni and Annie were my siblings. My sense of shame died the last time Annie roped us into pretending to be a Power Rangers knockoff. Or the time Aisha convinced Luo Hao that magical girls were divine cultivators and ¡°dual cultivation¡± meant I needed to be her Tuxedo Mask expy. ¡°While they¡¯re laughing at you, we¡¯ll have Vale in the palm of our hands within a month.¡±


    ¡°I-But¡­¡±


    ¡°Am. I. Understood?¡±


    ¡°I¡­ Fine¡­ stupid, crazy bunny¡­¡±


    This was the birth of the greatest gang Vale had ever seen. It would take the world by storm, the sheer nonsense of it all baffling analysts and policemen alike. Detective Powers would be hailed as the first who sounded the siren, only to be drowned out in a sea of mockery. None save those in this room would know for sure how the gang began, but one thing was for certain:


    Vale wasn¡¯t ready for a Campione¡¯s crew.


    X


    Yang Xiao Long


    I was hoping that Tianyu had forgotten about my part-time job. He was busy starting a criminal empire apparently. That was fine by me, I wouldn¡¯t have to wait tables, but the twins were vindictive bitches.


    We had an hour or two before the club officially opened and they had me memorizing the menu. That was fine. The Atlesian maid outfit they squeezed me into? That, not so much. It wasn¡¯t quite fetish gear, but the two bitches definitely knew what they were doing, and how much Tianyu was willing to let them get away with in the name of ¡°marketing.¡±


    ¡°Is this really necessary?¡± I complained. ¡°The food speaks for itself and most people are here to dance and get drunk anyway.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, but this isn¡¯t about getting more customers,¡± the red one said with a vicious smirk.


    ¡°It¡¯s about making you feel like shit,¡± her twin finished for her. They weren¡¯t even pretending!


    ¡°You both suck,¡± I sulked as the doors opened. If they wanted a maid, they¡¯d get the angriest maid on Remnant.


    X


    The night went well enough. I had trouble remembering all of the menu items, but I got the hang of it as the night progressed. A few drunks tried hitting on me but I hadn¡¯t had to punch anyone yet. I was allowed to keep Ember Celica on my wrists, and as far as the club was concerned, anyone dumb enough to not take no for an answer from an obviously armed huntress deserved to suffer the consequences of their stupidity.


    ¡°This¡­ This club really serves faunus?¡± a tall man asked. He was unlike the majority of clubbers, older and not dressed to impress. He had a set of tan bunny ears on his head that sat flat against his scalp.


    ¡°Yup, what can I get ya?¡± I chirped cheerfully. If nothing else, the tips were incredible. It turned out, there was very little a drunk frat boy wouldn¡¯t do for a smiling blonde with a bombshell body like mine.


    ¡°A-And, do¡­ do bunnies eat free?¡±


    ¡°They do. New rule, but just bunnies, no other faunus. What do you want to eat?¡±


    ¡°Why? I mean, not that I¡¯m complaining, but¡­¡±


    ¡°The big boss is a bunny faunus. He strong-armed the owner of the club into all this,¡± I said, waving broadly around the club. ¡°So? Food?¡±


    ¡°Sorry, I haven¡¯t read the menu yet. I thought the sign was just a joke.¡±


    ¡°Take your time.¡± I seated him at the bar and waited for his order. I wouldn¡¯t get any tips from him but that was alright; I could use a break from wandering around the club anyway.


    ¡°We¡¯re feeding animals now?¡± came a snide voice behind us.


    I turned with a scowl; Weiss was about as much racist as I could stand on the daily. At least she didn¡¯t do it on purpose. ¡°Hey, how about you shut the fuck up and let the man have his dinner?¡±


    They were an odd pair, a tall, lanky man with a white overcoat and a black fedora. His ginger hair and unlit cigar was a good clue as to his identity. Next to him was a tiny woman with pink and brown hair, and a pair of heterochromatic eyes that seemed to swap colors each time she blinked. She was even shorter than Ruby!


    ¡°Hey, wait, aren¡¯t you-¡± The short one leaned forward and placed a finger to her lips in an exaggerated ¡°shhh.¡± ¡°You got arrested! How are you even here?¡±


    Roman Torchwick, the smarmy fuck, pat the midget on the head affectionately. ¡°What can I say? It¡¯s all about knowing the right person. Now, how about you serve someone who¡¯ll actually tip, toots?¡±


    ¡°Toots?¡± I whispered dangerously.


    ¡°Let¡¯s see here¡­ I¡¯ll have those soft pretzels, give me both the cheese sauce and the whole-grain mustard. Oh, and a negroni. Neo here will have your ice cream. All of it. And we do mean all of it.¡±


    ¡°Go fuck yourself, Torchwick.¡±


    ¡°Hey, just get the bunny some damn carrot sticks and put in my order, sugar. Ah, shit, you¡¯re blonde. Here, let me repeat that real slow.¡±


    ¡°I could call the cops, you racist ass.¡±


    ¡°You think there¡¯s a single cop that¡¯ll step foot in here?¡±


    Ember Celica snapped into place. ¡°I¡¯m a huntress. Punching you in the face is practically a civic duty.¡±


    ¡°How¡¯d you end up working here again?¡± he said with a shit-eating grin. He turned and tapped his cheek. ¡°Come on, toots, give me a kiss.¡±


    I saw red. My hair began to float on its own, taking on a blazing hue. Then, before I could pop one right in the kisser, someone yanked me back by the shoulder.


    I whirled to find the twins. Save for a matching set of bunny ears, their dress wasn¡¯t any different from their usual garb. It was the white one, Melanie, who grabbed me.


    ¡°Nope, you¡¯re not starting another fight here, no matter how fucking annoying Roman is,¡± she said.


    ¡°Totes. Just get the bunny his food,¡± the red one added. She looked at Roman like he was lower than the gum peeled off the bottom of her shoe. ¡°Get out.¡±


    Roman shrugged and offered them what he probably thought was a charming smile. ¡°Oh, come on, what¡¯s a joke between friends?¡±


    ¡°Tianyu is in the kitchen.¡±


    It was amazing how fast his face went pale. I knew from what Ruby told me that Tianyu was the one who captured Roman Torchwick the first time, but this wasn¡¯t the face of a man who got arrested. No, this was the face of a man who¡¯d seen death.


    The shortstack looked up at her partner, then at the twins in confusion. She signed something, fast enough to mimic actual speech.


    Melanie nodded. The twins understood sign language, which was a whole lot more than I¡¯d expected from them. To be honest, I thought they were just eye candy. She jabbed a thumb towards the rabbit faunus at the bar. ¡°Yeah, Tianyu¡¯s here and he probably heard Roman call the bunny an animal. You two should bail before he breaks your legs.¡±


    I started to take other orders but made sure to keep an eye on them. The twins moved the criminal to a corner of the bar, away from the other patrons.


    It was fascinating. Roman was a hardened criminal, and I¡¯d bet Neo was the same. He was the kind of man who¡¯d taunted the entire police force and escaped from veteran huntsmen. But Roman wasn¡¯t scared, he was terrified.


    I didn¡¯t get it. Tianyu came in, scolded Junior, started a new crime syndicate, and then promptly fucked off to the kitchen because ¡°that¡¯s where I belong.¡± But he apparently had enough of a reputation to make Roman almost shit himself just from hearing his name. I was starting to take his whole ¡°take over Vale in a month¡± thing a lot more seriously.


    ¡°H-Hey, now,¡± Roman said, holding his hands up in surrender. ¡°I¡¯m not here to start anything with the scariest bunny in the world. Look, I¡¯m here to offer some information, alright?¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s our thing. What do you know that we don¡¯t?¡±


    ¡°Loads, but more specifically? Cinder¡¯s out.¡±


    The twins looked as confused as I felt. ¡°Who?¡±


    ¡°Oh, she¡¯s the faux-Fall Maiden,¡± Tianyu said. He was seated on the bar stool to our left, lounging with his head braced on an elbow.


    ¡°Aahhh! What the hell?¡± Roman shrieked like a little girl, putting Neo between him and the scary bunny. ¡°When the hell did you get here?¡±


    ¡°When you blinked. Is that why you¡¯re here? So you can avoid getting sucked into her pace again?¡±


    ¡°I¡­ You know what? Yeah, I want out. That bitch is crazy, even for me. Neo and I don¡¯t want anything to do with whatever she¡¯s planning. It¡¯s why I was keeping an ear to the ground for her, just in case.¡±


    ¡°Done, welcome to the Moonlit Famiglia.¡±


    ¡°The what now?¡±


    Tianyu vanished. We were all looking at him but it didn¡¯t matter. One second, he was sitting at the bar. The next, he was gone, not even one of those speed trails that Ruby left behind either. It made me laugh; Cardin still thought Tianyu was running from him.


    Then, he returned just as swiftly. In his hands was a pair of pink, fluffy bunny slippers, sunglasses, and cartoonish bunny ears. He set them on the bar with a proud, shit-eating smirk.


    ¡°Your membership card comes with ice cream and a new uniform.¡± Tianyu took Roman¡¯s hat before setting the bunny ears on the ginger criminal. ¡°Wear your ears proud, Roman Torchwick. You serve a greater cause now.¡±


    ¡°No! Nonono. I¡¯m not wearing that.¡±


    ¡°Are you sure?¡±


    ¡°No way in hell, bunny. I don¡¯t care how scary you are. A man¡¯s gotta have some dignity, damnit!¡±


    Tianyu looked at Roman¡¯s partner. ¡°Free ice cream if you bully Roman into wearing all this. I¡¯ll even give you Roman¡¯s share.¡±


    Neo nodded so fast her head was a blur.


    ¡°Neo, you traitor!¡± Roman cried as Neo jabbed his shin with her parasol.


    ¡°Anyway, back to Cinder. Cinder¡¯s the girl who tried to assassinate Amber,¡± Tianyu said, acting as though that fever dream didn¡¯t just happen.


    ¡°Look, I just came by to grab a bite and let Junior know that she¡¯s free before I skip town. That¡¯s worth a free drink, right?¡±


    ¡°Sure, but you need to apologize to that rabbit faunus. I know you act like an insufferable dick to get a reaction from people but I don¡¯t care. Say you¡¯re sorry.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re kidding me.¡±


    ¡°I could always make you wish you stayed in prison,¡± he said. In the blink of an eye, a bowl of ice cream appeared in his hand, only for him to hand it off to Neo.


    And, to my surprise, Roman complied. It was grudging, each word bitten out like he¡¯d eaten something sour, but he did. It was just plain weird to see. Seriously, I¡¯d have to get the full story from Rubes when I got back to Beacon because this wasn¡¯t normal.


    Tianyu nodded, satisfied. ¡°Good. Now, what¡¯s this about Cinder going free? How?¡±


    Roman shrugged. ¡°When Goodwitch took her, they dropped her off in maximum security. Now, what you have to understand is that the maximum security prison isn¡¯t actually in the city. It draws the wrong kind of attention, you know?¡±


    ¡°Makes sense. Grimm are drawn by negative emotions, right?¡±


    ¡°Right. Vale¡¯s is on an island so escape isn¡¯t usually possible. Even if you do make it out, crossing the bay will probably get you eaten alive.¡±


    ¡°So how¡¯d she do it? Did she blow her way out? She should still have a fraction of Amber¡¯s Maiden powers.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯d have heard about it,¡± Melanie pointed out. ¡°The breakout would have had to be quiet, enough that Vale¡¯s Council could cover it up and keep it out of the news cycle. Most people didn¡¯t even know Cinder was arrested at all so they¡¯d have a good reason to keep things out of the public eye.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s true. Either Ozpin knows already, or someone on the Council is desperately trying to think up a good excuse to tell him,¡± Tianyu hummed. ¡°So someone helped her? There was that queen of the grimm that Ozpin talked about¡­¡±


    ¡°Hold on, who¡¯s the ¡®queen of the grimm?¡¯¡± I cut in. ¡°That¡¯s not a thing. The grimm are mindless beasts.¡±


    Tianyu smiled at me indulgently. ¡°Of course, Yang. Don¡¯t you worry about it. In fact, why don¡¯t you go grab that table over there refills for their drinks?¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t just shoo me away!¡±


    ¡°Anyway, it probably wasn¡¯t a grimm attack either, right? That¡¯d be too loud, too.¡±


    ¡°Right, that¡¯s the thing,¡± Roman said. ¡°Someone hacked their security, disabled the whole thing and let Cinder break out without anywhere near the noise she¡¯d normally cause.¡±


    ¡°So it was someone on the inside? Or maybe a really good hacker? Interesting¡­¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re¡­ You¡¯re not upset?¡±


    ¡°No? Why would I be? I mean, Amber might be when she finds out, but I think she¡¯d be a little happy inside. You know, unfinished business and whatnot.¡±


    Miltia scoffed. ¡°Farm girl? No way, she doesn¡¯t have a mean bone in her body.¡±


    ¡°She doesn¡¯t, usually, but Cinder did try to murder her. You could even make the case that she succeeded. Besides, Amber¡¯s got a lot more fire than you¡¯d think at first glance.¡±


    ¡°Where is she anyway?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s in Junior¡¯s office. The club really isn¡¯t her kind of vibe, you know?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, sounds like her. So what¡¯s the plan? Are we hunting Cinder down?¡±


    Tianyu thought about it. Maidens were real. There was a ¡°queen of the grimm.¡± Oh, and a ¡°faux-Maiden,¡± whatever the hell that was, was out there, along with a hacker who could break into Vale¡¯s maximum security prison.


    I eyed the drinks on my serving tray. They were tempting. Unfortunately, not only would anything I drank come out of my tab, they were also just beer. I desperately needed something stronger to cope with this shit.


    Sighing, I carried the tray to the table. I missed what Tianyu¡¯s plan was, but that was fine. As far as I was concerned, the crazy bunny and his world-shaking revelations could stay far away from me.


    Author¡¯s Note


    The Moonlit Famiglia is here and it¡¯s even stupider than you thought. Roman is destined to be someone¡¯s minion one way or another.


    Cinder is free because Glynda can¡¯t be watching her 24/7 and Tianyu¡­ doesn¡¯t care.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 26

    Homeless Bunny 26


    Cinder Fall


    I knelt alongside Watts and Rainart before the queen. She wasn''t truly here, small mercies, but Watts had managed to set up a CCT link to Evernight Castle in the Land of Darkness. Though I knelt at the "head," with both men flanking me, I could feel their judging eyes on my back. It was no true authority. I felt like a lamb before the butcher, front and center to face my mistress'' wrath.


    Just the fact that these two were here at all was a testament to my failure. Watts needed to hack the prison''s internal security network. Rainart had to stealthily assault the guards from the outside, giving me the opportunity to conduct my own escape.


    I hadn''t even been able to call for help on my own. I had missed a report and Salem had used the grimm to determine my location before mounting this rescue.


    How humiliating.


    "Tell me, Cinder, why my two subjects had to be reassigned to Vale? You had assured me of your success," the queen of the grimm asked. Her voice was soft and melodic, if I closed my eyes, I could almost picture an angel, but I wasn''t fooled. There was danger there, power lying beneath that I feared and craved in equal measure. "You, a Maiden, however incomplete, was arrested by a sole huntress."


    "I was not, my lady," I said. I had to tell her the truth, that was the only way I got out of this alive. "Glynda Goodwitch was powerful, but I could handle her."


    "Oh?" her crimson eyes narrowed in implied threat. It was suffocating. She was entire continents away, but her mere displeasure made me feel as though I was breathing in a thick fog. "Please, enlighten me."


    "There was an unforeseen variable, my lady. Glynda Goodwitch did not defeat me, someone else did. He was a short, white-haired rabbit faunus with red eyes. He was impervious to magic and though I stabbed him, my swords could not pierce his aura at all."


    "A second huntsman? I suppose with prodigious aura reserves?"


    "No. It was¡­ It was as though the magic itself fizzled out against his skin. At one point, he even plucked a fireball from my hands and swallowed it as if to prove a point. No amount of aura should have protected him from that explosion," I said. I felt beads of sweat run down my back. This would be¡­ tricky¡­ "My lady, he¡­ he knew I was a Maiden."


    "One of Ozpin''s pets perhaps?" Salem hummed in thought.


    "No, my lady. At the very least, I am sure that Goodwitch did not recognize him. She scolded him as if he was a student."


    "Ozpin has always loved his secrets. It is not out of the question for him to keep a card or two hidden, even from his supposed most trusted. However¡­ you are certain that he ate magic?"


    "Yes, my lady."


    "Intriguing. I had thought the Maidens and I were the sole remaining sorcerers."


    "Is¡­ Is it possible for a man to wield magic?"


    "Of course, child, though why it resurfaced, or how, I cannot say for certain. A name. Did he have a name?"


    "I apologize, my lady. A huntress-in-training recognized him but I was too far to hear his name clearly. It sounded Mistralian."


    "Perhaps I ought to test him¡­ No matter. Ozpin will want to keep this new variable close now that he has been revealed. Arthur."


    "Yes, my lady," Watts said from my right.


    "Look for new additions to Beacon''s staff. Investigate any white-haired rabbit faunus. Cinder, you and Hazel are to recruit heavily. If your plan is to succeed, you must subvert the White Fang in its entirety."


    "Yes, my lady," we chorused.


    I knew what she wasn''t saying: Failure was not an option. The queen of the grimm was not a forgiving woman and it was only the investment she''d already placed into my body that kept her from simply killing me off to try again.


    This¡­ This wasn''t bad. I would have to share the glory for the fall of Beacon, but the Fall Maiden''s power would be mine. Neither of my two compatriots could wield magic after all. And, with a little more support, I felt sure we could defeat Ozpin''s newest chess piece. There was a certain irony in this, using the White Fang to battle a faunus.


    Yes, this wasn''t bad at all.


    X


    Tianyu Yue


    I put the finishing touches on twelve bento boxes. RWBY, by virtue of my "kid sister" got a share. VALN, what with them eating with us often, looked pitiful enough that I ended up making them some as well. Truly, I was a most gracious and merciful rabbit.


    Today''s lunch was simple, plain, even. I made white rice sprinkled with sesame seeds for crunch, cucumber kimchi I''d allowed to marinate for several days with a basic application of time magic, and silken tofu with a small packet filled with a sweet soy sauce and sesame oil glaze. A second packet of freshly chopped scallions, kept separate for maximum crisp, finished the box. It was light, fragrant, and a departure from Vale''s more European-themed fare.


    This menu was partially for the twins, who were originally from Mistral and grew up eating food similar to this, and Ren, my sole island of bromance amongst our three teams. We didn''t get to hang out often, what with my cooking, the twins'' training, and Nora''s Nora-ness, but I cherished what few quiet evenings we had.


    We did not train or study together. Rather, we luxuriated in doing nothing at all. He was knowledgeable about many different types of teas and expressed an interest in the finer art of brewing, something I was delighted to teach.


    He sat still and listened as I went on about the various types of teas in my collection, their brewing methods, and flavor profiles. We tasted various snacks and got to discuss the limitless pairing options for optimal serenity. The experience reminded me of the times I''d showed up at Totsuki Academy to teach. It was called the "Totsuki Tea Ceremony and Culinary Academy" after all.


    My partner pranced into the kitchen, her schoolgirl uniform making her look even younger than she normally did. Despite all the initial whining, Militia had taken to school life unexpectedly well and seemed to be enjoying herself. Amber followed behind, dragging Melanie by the hand. Though Miltia managed to make her own entertainment, Melanie was far less enthusiastic about becoming a student again and seemed happy to flunk out of school.


    Rumors abounded. We were spoiled brats with platinum spoons, each of us becoming huntsmen for the glamor and fame rather than a sense of civic duty. This was given credit by the fact that half the school believed I was a Schnee bastard.


    Another rumor said we were Amber''s entourage and that she descended from an extremely powerful line of huntresses. The twins served as her bodyguards and I was her personal chef, which was why I was excused from combat class.


    A third rumor said I''d somehow discovered "aura cooking," whatever the fuck that was, which gave Ozpin such a massive orgasm that he''d do anything for my food.


    The hilarious part of it all was that the third rumor was closest to the truth. As the Cooking Campione, my mastery of the culinary dao was transcendent. There was very little Ozpin wouldn''t do for my coffee.


    "Ready to go?" I smiled, handing out their bento boxes.


    "You didn''t need to make us bentos, Tianyu," Amber said with a grateful smile. "We won''t starve if we have to eat cafeteria food for a day."


    "Speak for yourself, farm girl," Miltia said, cradling her bento like a newborn child. "Food is like the main perk of being on this team."


    "Not the training?"


    "That''s the price we pay to get phenomenal food."


    "You two have shown marked progress, you know, and in only what? Five weeks?"


    "We have, haven''t we?" Melanie preened, sliding up to her twin.


    "Yes, the Moon Bunny''s Hippest Hops are clearly a transcendental martial art," I said, nodding proudly. "I''m glad you''re finally recognizing its worth."


    "I''m pretty sure it''s the increased gravity that''s really to thank for their improvement, Tianyu," Amber said.


    Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.


    "You''re right. More gravity sounds like a good idea."


    "What? No! We don''t need more gravity, bun-bun!" Miltia squawked.


    "Come on! That''s not fair," her twin added.


    I cackled and walked to the door. The twins swore vengeance upon Amber. They still couldn''t pose a challenge to her, even working together, but they were vicious and cunning in a way Amber was not. They''d make their displeasure known.


    Hilariously, my training sessions had gotten them to bond with my "sister," something about shared misery. For her part, Weiss had been forced to reconsider her opinion of the twins when she realized that the reason they lost so badly in every combat class was because they were so dead tired from my sessions.


    Truly, the blood of hardship was thicker than the water of the womb.


    X


    We were seated around a table in the cafeteria. The silken tofu was delicious, light and smooth with a sweet-salty glaze. The crispy cucumber kimchi perfectly complemented the tofu without overpowering it with sourness like a more fermented cabbage kimchi might.


    My food wasn''t orgasmic this time. I''d be a rather poor chef if that was all I could do. Instead, the goal of this meal was to leave my Mistalian friends with a sense of fulfilled nostalgia. Everyone else got hit with a dose of tranquility, like listening to the rain and sipping a warm mug of hot chocolate.


    "Ow! Stop it! Please, let go," a brunette bunny faunus yelped, thoroughly ruining the experience. I didn''t need to turn around to know what was happening. Cardin Winchester, leader of CRDL, was bullying a faunus.


    I took a deep breath and forcibly quashed my irritation. I would not become a tyrant like my eldest brother. Murdering every moron who dared interrupt the sacred ritual that was the dining experience was socially unacceptable. And, for all my many quirks, I took some measure of pride in being one of the more reasonable Campione. More importantly, it went against the Fivefold Confucian Virtues and my lovely wife would be disappointed with me.


    Punishment was fine. Exaggerated punishment was not.


    If I told myself that enough times, maybe I wouldn''t feel the need to punt Cardin to Menagerie. Beacon could always start a cultural exchange program, right?


    A few seats away from me, I saw Ilia stand, hands balled into fists. She''d been a target of Cardin''s bullying a few times, only for her to rip him a new one. She was a former White Fang operative who was comfortable fighting for her life. Cardin was a meathead "knight" with delusions of grandeur and zero real world experience. It didn''t take long for her to convince him quite thoroughly that she wasn''t a valid target.


    That said, her team had closed around her to drive home the point. Ren always put himself between her and her ostensible bully. Pyrrha had called him out in combat class every chance she could, and with a viciousness that was atypical for the gentle girl. I thought the little chameleon appreciated Nora''s offer to break his legs most though. Given the way they grew closer together because of Cardin, I hadn''t felt the need to intervene.


    Similarly, Cardin didn''t dare mess with me in the halls. Being the team leader of the only person who regularly handed Pyrrha Nikos her ass, this poor bunny wasn''t an easy mark. If nothing else, I was rather well-known for my speed and powerful Semblance, however undercut that reputation might have been by my apparent cowardice.


    After that mess with Ilia, he''d stayed away from faunus altogether for a week or so. It seemed he''d found his courage again.


    Blake looked conflicted. I''d gathered that she was the one who preferred to fade into the background, an introvert who''d rather surround herself with young adult novels than other people. She also possessed a strong sense of justice and often got in passionate debates with Weiss about the latter''s father''s corporate policies.


    She looked at Ilia, then at the bunny girl, Velvet was her name, and finally stood to back up her friend. That was good. The two had obviously been close, but there had been some friction between them, presumably because Blake abandoned the Fang.


    "Are you not going to join them?" Miltia asked me.


    "Hmm? Why would I?" I shrugged. "Those two are perfectly capable of handling CRDL their collective asses."


    "Well, yeah, but I thought you''d be mad. You know, faunus pride or something."


    "I keep telling you I''m not a faunus; I''m a Campione. We''re kind of our own thing. I reject the notion that I must feel some misplaced pride with faunus simply because I happen to also have animal ears."


    "So how about for disturbing our meal then?"


    "That''s a much better reason. But the key is proportional punishment. Nothing I do to them will be proportional, at least in Ozpin''s eyes, and this is still his school. It''s important to show the landlord some face."


    "Huh."


    "Although," I added, "you do have a point. It''s a travesty what that Velvet girl''s doing."


    "You can''t blame a girl for being bullied, Tianyu," Amber chided.


    "I can if she''s blatantly stronger than them. I can tell; that bunny can wipe the floor with all four of those idiots whenever she wants."


    "Wait, so she''s pulling a Tianyu then?"


    "What does ''pulling a Tianyu'' mean? I''m not sure how I feel about my name becoming a process."


    "You screamed like a girl and ran out of combat class," Miltia deadpanned.


    "After making Cardin nail Goodwitch with his mace," Melanie giggled.


    "Yup. Do you just like pretending to be weaker than everyone? Like one of those shitty light novel tropes with a badass janitor."


    "Oh, nah, I just wanted more time to cook and combat class is a waste of time, that''s all," I chirped happily. "I even got around to making a new cookbook and started revising a few alchemical recipes lately. Oh, and just the other day, I ran out along the coast so I could find a reef. I got myself some fantastic groupers. They''re under preservation spells in my trunk. Really, I don''t think Vale benefits from the bounties of the sea enough."


    Weiss, my lovable little sister, drawled, "Perhaps that''s because of the excessively large aquatic grimm, like feilong. Shipping of any kind is costly, Tianyu, never mind industrialized fishing."


    "I''m starting to think the grimm aren''t worth keeping around. If I ever decide to claim Remnant as my protectorate, I shall see about expanding these industries further," I said with an imperial nod.


    No one at my table reacted. More than a month into the school year, they weren''t surprised by such declarations anymore.


    "Glad you''re having fun while the rest of us are getting our asses kicked," my partner drawled.


    "Anyway, she''s not ''pulling a Tianyu.'' She''s genuinely bothered by the bullying. She''s just taking it for some reason though and that''s a travesty. One sec." So saying, I vanished from sight. The next thing anyone knew, Velvet was seated to my left, eyes still scrunched shut in pain. "Talking about it made me curious so there: bunny solidarity. Say, choco-bun, why are you letting them bully you?"


    She looked around in a panic. "H-Huh? What? How did you-"


    "Don''t worry about that. You. You''re stronger than them. Why are you letting yourself get pushed around?"


    "Pft, choco-bun," Melanie giggled next to her. "She probably thinks they''ll leave her alone once they''re satisfied."


    Now that Velvet was with us, the entire table summarily ignored the ass kicking going on across the hall. Beacon''s staff wanted budding huntsmen to solve their own problems. As it so happened, there was only one real way superpowered teenagers resolved conflicts.


    A few people looked like they might interfere, though on whose side was unclear. Amber looked around, met them eye to eye, and tapped the table with her finger. Each time she brought her finger down, the air seemed to solidify and grow heavier around their shoulders, pressing them ever more insistently back into their seats.


    As much as the twins had improved, Amber had grown all the more. Unlike the twins, she started with a background in magic after all. She made me proud to call her my student; in both power and control, she wouldn''t fall short against a great knight of a famed mage association.


    Wisely, no one else tried to stand.


    Message sent, she turned back to Velvet with a kind smile. "That won''t work, Velvet. Cardin is the kind of trash who feels superior by putting others down. He won''t stop leaving you alone because letting him walk all over you is exactly what he wants."


    "H-He does," Velvet pointed at me accusingly. "He just runs."


    "Ignore our team leader. Seriously. It''s better for your sanity."


    "Just assume the universe doesn''t have rules where he''s concerned," Melanie added.


    I nodded enthusiastically. An idea was forming in my mind, percolating like the most aromatic of coffees. "Exactly. And that''s because I am a bunny."


    "I''m pretty sure most bunnies don''t warp reality for shits and giggles, Tianyu."


    "Well, obviously not choco-bun here. She''s doing it wrong."


    "I-I''m¡­ being a faunus¡­ wrong?" Velvet asked in her adorable Aussie twang. Where did a faunus pick up an Australian accent, anyway? Wherever it was, I wanted to visit.


    "No! You''re being a bunny wrong!" I exclaimed. I placed two hands on her shoulders and stared her down intently, my ruby eyes peering into pools of deeply confused chocolate. "Hear me well, Velvet Scarlatina. Before you are a faunus, you are a bunny. The bunny is the apex predator of this world. It is your divine inheritance to rule over all, as decreed by me, the Jade Rabbit who is clad in lunar splendor."


    "I-It''s not. You''re crazy."


    "He is," Miltia drawled, "but we love him anyway."


    "Is it really insanity when he can back up his bullshit?" her twin asked. She then proceeded to steal Ilia and Blake''s bentos while they were busy.


    "It is. It just means he''s a very dangerous kind of crazy."


    "True that, sis."


    "Anyway," I cut in with a faux cough. "We have a saying: The dragon is the king of the seas. The tiger is the lord of the jungle. But the stars? The stars belong to the Jade Rabbit!"


    "I-I don''t know what that means," the shy bun stammered.


    Oh, this poor, sweet child. The more I heard of her, the surer I became. "Unacceptable! I shall teach you the way of the bun-bun. You will become the greatest of heroes, the champion of all that is fluffy and pure. You will hop across mountains and listen to the song of the cosmos! From this point on, as the sole bunny disciple of the Jade Rabbit, you are the Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace. Conduct yourself with dignity befitting your station!"


    Miltia swallowed another mouthful of Blake''s silken tofu. "Joy, another training buddy."


    "I didn''t choose this!" Velvet yelled.


    "Silly choco-bun. No one chooses Tianyu."


    "I need an adult."


    I gave her a headpat. As one who had received the platonic ideal of headpats from the Ruler of the Martial Realm, I considered myself quite the connoisseur of this sacred dao. And, like the novice faced with Mount Tai, Velvet shivered as pure, concentrated comfort and acceptance radiated down her body. "I''m over a hundred years old."


    "S-Stop lying," she struggled to say. Her eyes were narrowed in unwilling pleasure. Her hands twitched towards her head but her own body betrayed her and would not permit her to stop this most sacred of rituals.


    "I don''t lie. You know, I don''t think I''ve ever lied since coming to Remnant. It just so happens that the truth is stranger than fiction sometimes. Or constantly where Campione are concerned."


    "You can''t just draft me into your training sessions!" Velvet thought desperately for an excuse. "I-I have my own team, you know!"


    "Lies. They are not here in your time of need. Don''t you know? A bunny requires at least one hug per day or they''ll die of loneliness."


    Amber snorted. "You''d know, wouldn''t you? Is that why you let the twins give you headpats?"


    "Precisely."


    "You''re impossible."


    "Don''t worry, Velvet Scarlatina. When I''m done with you, you''ll make for a worthy Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace."


    Author''s Note


    Choco-bun get!


    Animal fact? Sure. Koala bears have fingerprints so similar to human fingerprints that they can potentially interfere with crime scene investigations.


    While no one in Australia has been framed of a crime committed by a koala, that is probably because they are literally too stupid to eat anything but poison. Those evil bastards are plotting something. Or they would be if they weren''t fucking idiots.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 Homeless Bunny 27

    Homeless Bunny 27


    Tianyu Yue


    That was how I ended up with another student for a total of an even dozen. When they found out I¡¯d kidnapped Velvet, the rest of RWBY and VALN joined in out of curiosity. I fully expected the rest of CFVY to come find me eventually as well.


    I watched with a contented smile on my face as my new minions tried to bunny hop in tenfold the standard gravity. Not only was this good for their core, legs, glutes, and sense of balance, the video I was taking would make for fantastic blackmail later.


    Not even Amber was exempt from this mandatory physical conditioning. She tried to cheat subtly with her magic, but I tossed a jagged leaf at her like a shuriken each time I felt her mana gather.


    By my side was a crackling campfire, the firepit dug directly into the Emerald Forest floor. There was a pot filled with my special workout stew. It was something I¡¯d perfected over the years and a personal favorite of my wife¡¯s. In fact, she was the one who commissioned the recipe from me. Her disciples trained hard and deserved to be rewarded with nutritious food, food that would help them progress along the martial dao.


    This was a modified recipe without most of my divine blessings, but it was still supernaturally nutritious. It would ameliorate the side effects of training such as muscle aches without diminishing the results. Even better, it would slowly expand their souls, increasing their aura reserves with each mouthful. As with the food I fed to my team regularly, it was the expansion of potential rather than immediate gratification.


    It was also an apology of sorts. Blake and Ilia didn¡¯t get to have my bento because the twins ate their share. Sure, they were the ones who left, but I felt bad enough to offer to let them choose the menu for dinner. Naturally, Blake overruled Ilia and demanded seafood, so seafood stew it was.


    ¡°You seem to be having fun. Perhaps we should have made you a teacher rather than a student,¡± Ozpin said as he walked over. In his hands was one of his signature mugs. This one sported X-Ray, a superhero with his own titular comic that Miltia liked.


    ¡°I am, though being a teacher sounds like a chore,¡± I said. I gestured to the campfire. ¡°Interesting mug.¡±


    ¡°A gift from a past student.¡±


    ¡°Since you¡¯re here, would you like a bowl?¡±


    ¡°I would like that. That smells lovely. May I ask what¡¯s in it?¡±


    ¡°Salmon, cod, grouper, clams, mussels, and shrimp. It¡¯s surprisingly easy to balance all these flavors. I also included several mushrooms I found nearby. There¡¯s also baby bok choy, onions, julienned carrots and green squash, and sliced daikon radishes. The spice mix is something my wife and I perfected together a while back. Hope you like seafood.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll have to trust your expertise. If it¡¯s as good as your coffee, I¡¯m sure I¡¯ll be delighted.¡±


    I soon called an end to training and began serving bowls of stew next to rice. There had been several iterations of this stew. Originally, my idea of a seafood stew was to start with French bouillabaisse, but though delicious, it didn¡¯t quite fit the Chinese palate of Luo Hao¡¯s disciples. The broth made of tomatoes, dry sherry, and western herbs and vegetables simply didn¡¯t pair as well with white rice as I would have liked.


    So, I turned to another famous tomato-based soup: Guizhou-style tomato hotpot. It was light, a little sweet and sour, and suited their palates better. In the end, Luo Hao and I came up with our own spice blend because we preferred savory and spicy to sweet, but the base was reminiscent enough of both French and Guizhou origins.


    ¡°What are you doing here, headmaster?¡± Weiss asked, as politely as ever. She was absolutely soaked in sweat and her formerly pristine, white combat skirt had been stained green with grass but she did her best to retain her regal demeanor.


    ¡°Enjoying a lovely bowl of stew, Miss Schnee,¡± Ozpin said. His cane had been forgotten by his side in favor of the dish. Given how magically charged that cane was, I considered his willingness to drop it a compliment of the highest order. ¡°However, I did come to discuss a few matters with your ¡®older brother.¡¯¡±


    She placed her face in her hands and groaned. ¡°Not you too¡­¡±


    ¡°Jacques found out, didn¡¯t he?¡± I asked rhetorically. He wouldn¡¯t have called me that unless he had his reasons.


    ¡°Indeed. He has informed me with no uncertainty that I am to obtain a retraction from you.¡± He looked thoroughly amused at that.


    ¡°Oh no¡­¡± Weiss whined. ¡°He¡¯s sending a legal representative, isn¡¯t he?¡±


    ¡°He has promised to do so should Tianyu not comply. He has also threatened to renegotiate dust prices with the kingdom, something that may have greater ramifications than your joke intended.¡±


    I offered them a carefree shrug. ¡°I mean, I believe I wrote out a retraction already. It¡¯s on the Hunters Union BBS. I said, officially, that I am not legally permitted to call myself a Schnee.¡±


    That got a snort from the twins. ¡°Yup. We have it in writing.¡±


    ¡°Wait, hold on, are you or are you not related to Weiss?¡± Velvet asked. She¡¯d been through so much recently. Her world had practically shattered as I endeavored to enlighten her of her own natural superiority.


    Really, I had no children. In exchange for our immense, fate-breaking power, Campione were almost completely sterile. As such, as the sole bunny who was currently learning from me, it could be said that Velvet was my martial heiress. She was, technically, the Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace.


    ¡°I¡¯m her big brother,¡± I said with complete certainty. The tides flowed to and fro. The sun rose from the east. And I was Weiss¡¯ big brother. I declared it so, and so it was. ¡°Trifling concerns like a blood relation is irrelevant. I am because I say so.¡±


    ¡°Trifling concerns, like the definition of the word ¡®brother¡¯ you mean?¡± Ilia drawled.


    ¡°Precisely.¡±


    ¡°Your grasp on reality is very¡­ flexible, isn¡¯t it?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m the Jade Rabbit,¡± I told her as if that explained everything. Because it did.


    ¡°Be that as it may, Jacques is not a man many cross lightly and you¡¯ve started a rumor that put horns on him,¡± Ozpin said.


    ¡°That¡¯s hilarious by the way,¡± Ilia said with a barely suppressed cackle. ¡°I mean, if it¡¯s true, the Schnee are fucking hypocrites and Jacques is going to be the most famous cuck on Remnant. It¡¯s literally everything the Fang ever wanted.¡±


    ¡°We are not hypocrites!¡± Weiss yelled.


    ¡°Your mom¡¯s love of bunny dick says otherwise, princess.¡±


    ¡°Tianyu isn¡¯t related to me by blood, you insufferable lizard!¡±


    ¡°Woah, that sounds awfully racist there. Rejecting your loving brother? Calling me an animal? For shame, princess.¡±


    ¡°I will-¡±


    My wooden spoon blurred and put an end to that. ¡°Enough. What Ozpin¡¯s saying is that Jacques has a lot of influence and money because he¡¯s got a monopoly on dust, right?¡±


    ¡°Yes, that¡¯s right,¡± the headmaster nodded. ¡°He has the ear of every kingdom¡¯s council because of it, no matter his questionable character.¡±


    ¡°Oh, why didn¡¯t you just say that?¡± I picked up a rock and focused.


    When I first arrived in this world, I was very, very hung over. Drinking habushu sake made from the Yamata no Orochi, then having a few gallons of divine baiju brewed by Chang¡¯e would do that to anyone, even a Campione.


    While I was recovering from my weeklong celebration of mine and Luo Hao¡¯s hundredth year anniversary, I¡¯d noticed that this world was different. It was a true remnant, a byproduct of two gods¡¯ tantrum. The dragon veins that should have nourished this world were distorted, twisted into knots in some places and broken altogether in others. It was no wonder then that this world¡¯s people lacked magic.


    However, the mana of the world had coalesced into natural deposits, like coagulating blood. They formed crystalline structures that the people called dust, nature¡¯s wrath. The world was hungry for mana and in my hung over stupor, I¡¯d released quite a bit of it into the world.


    I remembered how the world took my divine mana and drank of it greedily. There was still a dust crystal the size of a small house where I¡¯d landed, the sheer density of my mana replicating in moments what would likely take the world centuries to do naturally.


    Now, I was not the most learned mage amongst my siblings, that was probably either Voban or Aisha, but I did fancy myself an expert of some modest ability. Fine control was something I took a great deal of pride in. As such, it was a simple matter to replicate my own actions. What I could do while hung over, I could do just as easily while sober.


    As they watched, I trickled a hint of divine mana into the rock in my hand. Little flakes of stone fell away, like dried leaves or eggshells, leaving behind a lump of pure, unaligned magic.


    I tossed it to Ozpin. ¡°There. Dust. That one has no elemental attunement but I can put in whatever else I want.¡±


    ¡°Wait, you can make dust?¡± Weiss shouted.


    I couldn¡¯t resist. I shrugged and looked at her blankly. ¡°Yes? Can¡¯t everyone?¡±


    Her mouth opened and shut like a gaping fish. My adorable minions watched our back and forth like a tennis match. ¡°No!¡±


    ¡°Well, I can. It¡¯s a bit like boiling an egg, really. You just stick a rock in enough mana, do some basic alchemy to speed up the planet¡¯s natural processes and vola! Amber probably could, too.¡±


    ¡°How is that like boiling an egg?!?!¡±


    Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.


    ¡°I can?¡± Amber asked, surprised to be dragged into this conversation. ¡°How are you doing that?¡±


    ¡°Magic. Remind me to teach you later.¡±


    ¡°Huh¡­ Okay, thanks!¡±


    ¡°Say, Oz.¡±


    ¡°Yes, Tianyu?¡±


    ¡°If I turn the entire cliffside to dust, can I get you to tell Jacques to fuck off?¡±


    He hummed in thought but we both knew the answer. He was the only person on Remnant with the right frame of reference to understand my nature as a godslayer, chiefly that there was nothing figurative about my titles. The crowns I claimed, I¡¯d earned.


    He had the choice between pissing off some corporate fat cat and potentially getting in the way of a godslayer¡¯s fun, and facilitating said godslayer¡¯s fun while being rewarded beyond any mortal¡¯s imagination. That was no choice at all.


    ¡°Yes, that can be arranged,¡± he said finally. ¡°As headmaster, it is my duty to promote Vale¡¯s continued security and prosperity. That said, Jacques Schnee will likely demand a response regardless.¡±


    ¡°You let me deal with that.¡±


    Weiss sighed. ¡°Tianyu, I feel like I should be read in on whatever your plan is.¡±


    ¡°Hold up a second.¡±


    I turned to face the cliffside. It wasn¡¯t as though making dust was terribly difficult. What was a little crystalized magic compared to the elixir of life?


    The world shook as my presence filled the earth. It was the nature of the moon to enact change. It was its nature to embody mystery. I typically favored using my primary Authority through food, but there wasn¡¯t any hard and fast rule when it came to alchemy. It was, in the end, the art of changing one thing to another via the principle of equivalent exchange.


    Enough mana overwhelmed the world, forming a visible corona around me. The mana-starved planet reached out hungrily like a baby bird. What would have occurred naturally over millennia became reality in the present as familiar words flowed from my lips. ¡°Mine is the secret of the Way of all things. Unto my creations I impart the sagely treasures of the Queen Mother''s garden. Peach Blossom Alchemy!¡±


    The results were immediate. Prismatic mana filled the cliffside, transmuting rock to every color of dust. Those closest to the five elements of the wu xing were most prevalent, but subelements such as ice were simple enough. I even threw in rarer types like gravity, just to prove I could.


    ¡°There. Now, what were you saying, little sister?¡±


    She looked at me, then at the cliffside, then back at me. ¡°On second thought, us being siblings would greatly improve the future of Remnant, wouldn¡¯t it? Go wild.¡±


    X


    Ruby Rose


    Tianyu was doing something crazy. Again. Or, he was continuing to do something crazy? The whole ¡°definitely not a Schnee¡± thing started even before Initiation, after all.


    I didn¡¯t know. What I did know was that he¡¯d somehow roped Weiss into this. Weiss! Miss Prim & Proper! The whole thing was like a fever dream, one caused by delicious, delicious fish stew.


    My thoughts warred with each other. One side, the one that loved food and loved my baby even more, said I should ignore it all. This wasn¡¯t my business. The other, ¡°responsible team leader Ruby¡± side said I should at least check in on my new bestie.


    ¡°Weiss?¡± I called hesitantly. Darn my responsible side. It¡¯d been growing louder lately.


    ¡°Yes, Ruby?¡± We were all in bed. Yang was already snoring. Blake and Weiss were reading two very different books, one I wouldn¡¯t touch with a ten foot pole and another I wasn¡¯t allowed to touch with a ten foot pole.


    ¡°Are you sure letting Tianyu go wild was a good idea?¡±


    ¡°Ruby, do you have any idea how much that dust-cliff is worth?¡±


    ¡°Umm¡­ A lot¡­?¡±


    ¡°Billions! Billions of lien at a conservative estimate. When dust gets mined, it doesn¡¯t just come up already formed into pretty little crystals. Dust is like any other mineral; it shows up in veins and nodes that need to be carefully extricated from the surrounding stone.¡±


    ¡°Okay, so what?¡±


    ¡°What happens when you hit dust too hard?¡±


    Ooh! I knew this one! ¡°It expl¨COh¡­¡±


    ¡°Yes, oh. Mining dust is extremely hazardous. It needs incredible precision to do right, or the entire mine could collapse. The best case scenario would be that the dust around you goes off, making it all worthless.¡±


    I heard Blake close her book. ¡°Which is why the SDC¡¯s policies are¨C¡±


    ¡°Not now, Blake! I already agreed that father¡¯s a horrible person!¡± Weiss snapped. ¡°What I¡¯m trying to say is, dust needs to be extracted, purified, and condensed into mostly inert crystals that can be safely handled and transported.


    ¡°Tianyu didn¡¯t just make a whole lot of dust, he made extremely pure, high-grade dust that doesn¡¯t need expensive mining equipment, doesn¡¯t pose a risk to the surroundings, and skips much of the refinement process. All of that costs lien to arrange, never mind the logistics and support staff required to make it all possible.¡±


    ¡°So¡­ It¡¯s worth a ton?¡±


    ¡°More money than you can imagine. Just the money saved on equipment, personnel, and time alone would make that cliff the single most profitable dust mine in the world.¡±


    I was starting to understand. Tianyu, as always, made no sense. Given everything I¡¯d overheard when he and Professor Ozpin first talked, I shouldn¡¯t be surprised anymore. I¡¯d already ruined more than one weapon in combat class because our baby was invincible and any normal steel that met lunar cold iron was going to lose.


    The cliff was yet another one of Tianyu¡¯s impossibilities. He already gave me Crescent Rose Mk 2, so now it was Weiss¡¯ turn to get something.


    Then again, just because I had to be supportive didn¡¯t mean I couldn¡¯t have my fun.


    ¡°I get it,¡± I nodded.


    ¡°You do? I mean, that¡¯s good,¡± Weiss said.


    ¡°You¡¯re a gold digger.¡± I heard Blake choke back a laugh. ¡°That¡¯s what Yang says when someone likes money, right? She said I¡¯m one because Tianyu and I made our baby together.¡±


    ¡°You made a what now?¡±


    ¡°She means her weapon. Wait, is that why it cut through Dove¡¯s sword the other day?¡± Blake asked.


    ¡°Yup! Our baby is made out of some super-metal. I tried to make Crescent Rose myself but I couldn¡¯t even get the forge hot enough to dent the nugget. Tianyu had to do some weird magic thingie.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s so unfair. How come you get a super-weapon?¡±


    ¡°Wait, step back a bit. I¡¯m not a gold digger!¡± Weiss yelled indignantly. Ah, there it was. Yang acted like I was so innocent. It got annoying sometimes, but it was pretty fun when everyone else tried to decide if I was messing with them on purpose or not.


    ¡°I mean, definitionally speaking¡­¡± Blake trailed off, highly amused with this conversation.


    ¡°Oh, don¡¯t you start.¡±


    ¡°I was going to say, ¡®You¡¯re not a gold digger because you¡¯re not sleeping with him.¡¯¡±


    ¡°Right? Exactly, Ruby. Don¡¯t let Yang fill your head with nonsense.¡±


    ¡°But,¡± I could practically hear Blake¡¯s smug grin. ¡°If your own conscience condemns you, let it be the one to cast the first stone.¡±


    ¡°I hate you both.¡±


    ¡°Seriously though, how long would that much dust last if it¡¯s used by a kingdom like Vale?¡±


    ¡°I have no idea,¡± Weiss said. ¡°It depends on how deep it goes, I suppose. Even so, considering that it¡¯s all one solid chunk rather than small veins, I would say quite a while.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s really impressive. Is¡­ Is there any truth to the whole Jade Rabbit nonsense he keeps spouting?¡±


    ¡°I mean¡­ Maybe¡­? He has his bunny mafia too, but I don¡¯t think he¡¯s literally some moon god who¡¯s come down from another world.¡±


    ¡°Y-Yeah, no way. Hahahaha. Gods aren¡¯t real,¡± I laughed nervously. ¡°And they definitely didn¡¯t abandon the world. And Tianyu didn¡¯t regrow like half of someone¡¯s soul with a cake pop¡­¡±


    ¡°Ruby, those are some very specific denials.¡±


    ¡°L-Look at the time! We should all go to sleep. Busy day tomorrow!¡±


    ¡°Ruby? Ruby? You know that makes you seem even more suspicious, right?¡± Weiss said. She kicked the bunk below me but I let out a loud snore. She couldn¡¯t be suspicious of sleeping people. That was against the rules.


    X


    Willow Schnee


    ¡°Klein, what is this?¡± I asked.


    It was morning. Like most mornings, I was hung over and my head throbbed from the lack of hydration. It was a sad state of affairs, one best remedied with more wine.


    Yet, instead of more wine, the head butler held a scroll in his hand, one already turned to a video.


    ¡°Well, madam, I believe I have something you should see,¡± he said.


    I sighed. I knew that tone. It was the same tone father used to express disappointment in me. Oh, he never said it, but it was heavily implied. Klein had been with the family for so long that he had father''s trademark tone down pat.


    I sat up in bed. Groggily, I stood and used the nightstand to prop myself up. ¡°Fine, shower first. And more wine. I''m not dealing with whatever that is sober.¡±


    To my surprise Klein did not protest. ¡°That¡­ would not be an unreasonable response in this case, Madam Schnee.¡±


    I looked at him more closely. Few things ever showed on his face; he was a professional of the highest caliber. He was a young boy when he was hired by my father as a hedge trimmer and had seen everything there was to see.


    Yet, I could spy the crinkling of his crow''s feet, the nervous tension that poked holes in his normally unflappable facade.


    ¡°That bad, huh?¡± I waved him off before he could speak. ¡°Never mind. I''ll see for myself. Just have another bottle brought up.¡±


    ¡°Yes, madam.¡±


    X


    I stared blankly at the scroll in front of me. I had a shower. I had breakfast, a light, two-egg omelet with a gooey center dusted with chives and freshly cut oats. I had a glass in hand of the finest pinot noir money could buy and a pleasant buzz going. This was the most alert I''d been in days.


    I failed to compute what was in front of me.


    ¡°Klein?¡±


    ¡°Yes, madam?¡± My butler replied dutifully.


    ¡°I-Is this¡­ real?¡± I asked. It was unlike me to stutter, not without another four glasses anyway, but I wasn''t sure how else I should phrase my question.


    ¡°Preposterous, madam. You have not vacated Schnee manor for a long enough duration to-¡±


    ¡°Not that! I think I''d remember having a second son,¡± I snapped. I was a lush, a pale shadow of who I used to be, but I wasn''t that far gone. ¡°This¡­ claim¡­ Is it being made in earnest? It''s not some joke?¡±


    ¡°As far as we can tell, Miss Weiss had not seen fit to reject the claim.¡±


    That¡­ That changed nothing. It gave the faunus some credit, but Jacques would bury him alive, maybe literally.


    ¡°Dear Mother: An open letter to Willow Schnee,¡± read the video title. It had been published onto the Hunters Union message boards by one ¡°Rabbit Stew.¡±


    The thumbnail was a picture of my presumed bastard son, according to the comments. He was an absolutely adorable bunny faunus with red eyes and my family''s trademark white hair. He was certainly pretty enough to be a Schnee, no, even prettier. Putting aside everything else, there was an ethereal, sublime beauty about him, as if the gods opted to make a perfect statue to show all humans how much we fell short.


    I read the title one more time. I understood the words individually, but their collective whole slid off my vision. They formed meanings I was not drunk enough to entertain. Surely no one was this suicidal.


    I threw back the glass. When that emptied, I tossed it aside and reached for the bottle before downing it as fast as I could.


    ¡°Fine,¡± I hiccuped. ¡°Let''s hear it.¡±


    I pressed play.


    Author¡¯s Note


    Brought to you several weeks early by some hick from Texas.


    Imagine demanding a Campione retract a statement. He is king. His word is law. Ergo, to demand such is to demand that he repeal a law, the adoption of a younger sister no less. There was only one way this could possibly end.


    In other news, Tianyu is a lying liar who lies. He doesn''t lie about his power, but everything else is fair game so long as he finds it funny. He''s a bit of a chaos gremlin.


    Animal fact? Sure. Baby elephants suck on their own trunks for comfort the way children suck on their thumbs. I don¡¯t know if I¡¯ve used this one before, but it makes me smile every time I think of it anyway.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.</a>

 27.5

    Homeless Bunny 27.5


    Tianyu Yue


    Welcome to the Hunters Union message boards.


    You are currently logged in, Rabbit Stew


    You are viewing:


    ? Threads you have replied to


    ? AND Threads that have new replies


    ? OR private message conversations with new replies


    ? Thread OP is displayed.


    ?  Twenty five  posts per page


    ? Last ten messages in private message history.


    ? Threads and private messages are ordered chronologically.


    ¡ö


    ? Topic: Dear Mother: An open letter to Willow Schnee


    In: Boards ? Vale ? Beacon Academy ? General


    Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    Posted On Jan 1st 2011:


    Alright, let me clear the air.


    I know that there have been rumors spreading about my parentage. Well, wonder no more. I recently received a [letter] from the SDC''s chief counsel demanding that I retract my statement and forfeit all claims of family relations with the Schnee family, on pain of the many consequences outlined above.


    You know, I''ve never been good at doing what I''m told; it''s a Campione thing. So, with the help of my lovely teammates, I decided to make an open letter, video, whatever. Anyway, here is my [official statement].


    [Video]


    The video was set humbly, in an unused classroom somewhere in Beacon. An unreasonably pretty rabbit faunus sat behind the teacher''s chair. His long, white ears drooped forward and his ruby eyes shone with the light of unshed tears. Just the image alone tugged at the heartstrings.


    ¡°H-Hello, mother,¡± he began, hesitant and unsure. His hands wrung his wrists with nervous tension. ¡°I didn''t want things to become like this. I-I know how much trouble this might cause and I''m sorry. I know you''re a very private person, but I don''t see any other way.¡±


    He took a deep breath, exhaling with a shuddering sigh. After fortifying himself, he continued, ¡°Alright, here goes: My name is Tianyu Yue, leader of Team Tamale and first year at Beacon Academy. I am also the older brother of Weiss Schnee. My father was Yu Di Yue, a rabbit faunus and amateur huntsman.


    ¡°I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out. Truth is, I never wanted to become a huntsman but after dad passed, I saw little choice. He said that the best way to make a life for myself, to connect with my family one day, was to become strong. Power is a language all its own and all that.


    ¡°I guess¡­ I guess I was lonely. I''d been keeping tabs on my baby sis, you know, what with her being a wonderful singer and all.


    ¡°When she announced her intention to study at Beacon, I felt that this was my chance. I couldn''t reach out to you all in Atlas, dad made sure I know how they feel about faunus over there, but my baby sis was coming to Vale!¡± he said, giving the camera a watery smile. ¡°Maybe, I could still have a relationship with at least one family member. So, I enrolled a few years late. I know I have the mother of all babyfaces but I promise I''m older than Weiss.


    ¡°Heh. I''m rambling. My face isn''t important, is it?¡± He chuckled ruefully. ¡°Sorry, bad habit. I''m really nervous right now. Mom, I don''t know if you remember him or not, you didn''t spend much time in Mistral from what he told me, but he sure remembered you.


    ¡°You used to be a huntress yourself. I mean, it''s not like you came by our village just for him, but you accompanied dust shipments as the head of a protection detail. I guess that''s how you two met. He said you were always kind, as nice as you were allowed to be while remaining professional. You always had a treat for the village kids, human and faunus.


    ¡°What am I saying? You know all this already. You were there.¡± Tianyu got up and walked around the teacher''s desk. He was short, maybe even shorter than Weiss. He hopped onto the desk and kicked his legs aimlessly. ¡°You know, mom, he used to laugh about how you met.


    ¡°You must have been off the clock because he caught you at the only bar in the village. He caught you drinking wine and called you out on it, saying how it was a shame to have come all the way out to Mistral and not try some of the local liquors. Hehe, dad said it was just an excuse to buy the pretty lady a drink.


    ¡°Then, I don''t know, I guess you two got into a fight about which was better. Truthfully? He was a bit of an alcoholic. Nothing too bad, but he really loved his sake, you know?¡± He shrugged with his whole body, making his ears flop adorably. ¡°Kind of like you. He never did manage to convince you that sake was better than wine, did he?


    ¡°Ah, I''m rambling again¡­ I guess what I really wanted to say is: Dad missed you. He never made you out to be some perfect angel. He said you were too strict on the clock, that you were the lightest weight huntress he''d ever seen, and that your taste in booze was basically vinegar water, but he only ever bitched like that about people he liked, you know? I just want you to know that he never blamed you for leaving. Or for the Schnee Dust Company; that one''s all on Jacques being a horrible joke of a human being.


    ¡°It all made me wonder what Weiss would be like. Hehe, guess it got a bit out of hand when I hugged her before Initiation, huh? Maybe I shouldn''t have done that in public, but¡­ Is it bad that I don''t regret it?


    ¡°Weiss is great, mom. She grew up with that chubby, dickless wonder and still has such a strong sense of right and wrong. I hope you''re proud of her.


    ¡°Don''t worry, I''m going to take care of her. She''s the only sibling I''ve met so far and the stars will fall from the Thirty-Six Heavens before something happens to her.


    ¡°I guess that''s all I really wanted to say. Jacques sent a letter to Headmaster Ozpin demanding I retract my actions, but I refuse. I''m not afraid, not when I can prove I''m your son right here and now.¡± His face took on a determined set as he hopped off the desk.


    He held out his hand and looked into the camera, ruby eyes anchoring the viewer with mesmerizing intensity. Then, with but a single action, he shattered all doubt.


    Pure, radiant aura bloomed in his hand like a firework. Golden light danced like an aurora before coalescing into a glyph. It looked different, gold with five gems of myriad colors instead of the Schnee family white, a five-point star instead of a snowflake. At its center was the taiji, the yin and yang so common to ancient Mistralian philosophy.


    But it was a glyph, no question about it.


    Each of the colored nodes glowed in turn. Crimson fire, aquamarine water, then earth, wood, and some kind of metal. The Schnee family was best known for their dust-casting and he''d proven their match in spades.


    ¡°I mean, I call mine a seal, not a glyph, but same thing, right?¡± He said with an easy smile. ¡°So in conclusion: My name is Tianyu Yue, son of Yu Di Yue and Willow Schnee, brother to Winter, Weiss, and Whitley. Jacques, oh great cuck of Remnant, whenever you find your dick beneath that belly fat, I look forward to your challenge.¡±


    [Video]


    (Showing page 1 of 42)


    ?Quickdraw Pete (Verified Huntsman - Vale)


    First.


    Edit: Holy shit.


    ?BadSamurai


    Is this for real?


    ?Answer Key


    I don''t know but damn¡­ my dude declared war.


    ?Oracle (Verified Huntsman - Vale)


    Judging by the Semblance, yes, it''s real.


    ?Nighthawk (Beacon Academy - Senior)


    Semblances can adapt though. Though I do have to give it to you: A bunny who looks like a Schnee, with that Semblance, is kinda hard to argue against.


    ?BringingDaHeat


    This is going to be posted publicly, right? It''s only on the HUMB right now.


    ?Answer Key


    Way ahead of you. Posted in [every] [forum] [I] [could] [find].


    ?Ringmaster (Beacon Academy - Junior)


    Well, please excuse me while I stock up on popcorn.


    ?Sir_Auspice (Beacon Academy - Junior)


    You''re nuts. I''m going to transfer to Shade. Or Haven, wherever they''ll take me. Fuck, I don''t want to find out what Jacques Schnee will do when he sees this.


    ?Ringmaster (Beacon Academy - Junior)


    Psh, the academies are practically their own polity. What can he do?


    ?Sir_Auspice (Beacon Academy - Junior)


    Nominally, you''re not wrong, but things aren''t that simple. For one, we need dust. Tianyu might have fucked us with his family drama.


    But man if I don''t feel for that bunny a little though.


    ?WIN-Chester (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Verified Bigot)


    Who gives a fuck? This is why you don''t fuck animals; shit always comes back to muddy the gene pool.


    ?ReaperDeathClaws (Beacon Academy - Sophomore)


    Yeah, I don''t want to hear about Willow''s bestiality kink.


    ?Ninja of Love (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud)


    Fuck off, you racist shits. I wish she''d been more proactive with the SDC. Then maybe the company wouldn''t be such a disgusting mess of labor violations. Then again, with a husband like Jacques the Cuck, guess I can''t blame her alcoholism.


    ?Captain Obvious (Beacon Academy - Sophomore)


    Guys? Umm¡­ Have you been out by the cliffs lately? Because [the whole thing is solid dust].


    ?BadSamurai


    What the fuck?


    ?Nighthawk (Beacon Academy - Senior)


    Yeah, that''s real. It already has its own thread [here]. A few of us found it while doing our regular training patrols. Headmaster Ozpin, Professor Peach, and Professor Goodwitch have already been out there to do some amateur prospecting.


    Long story short, Beacon is now the richest independent entity in the world. No, we have no idea how it happened. No, the kingdom has no claim on it, it''s all Beacon land according to the founding charter.


    Yes, this means Headmaster Ozpin is richer than Jacques Schnee. Yes, this means he can tell the SDC to go fuck itself while providing dust for Vale at much cheaper rates. No word on whether he has though.


    Personally? I''m down for anything that decreases our reliance on the dust monopoly. No offense to the junior Schnees we have on campus.


    ?50 Shades of Blake (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Pussy Bandit)


    I''d assume the headmaster would like to keep some semblance of diplomacy. He''ll probably support Tianyu but scold him for the presentation.


    ?Dusty Qrow (Verified Huntsman - Vale) (Legendary Drunkard)


    Yeah, that sounds about right for ol¡¯ Oz. He''s a stick in the mud like that. Say, [Winter_Schnee_Official], how do you feel about having a kid brother you¡¯ve never met?


    ?Winter_Schnee_Official (Verified Huntsman - Atlas) (Atlas Military - Specialist)


    Why did you tag me, Qrow? I don''t need to know about every nonsense rumor.


    ?Answer Key


    I''d watch the video, ma''am.


    ?Winter_Schnee_Official (Verified Huntsman - Atlas) (Atlas Military - Specialist)


    ¡­


    [Weiss_Schnee_Official], explain.


    ?Weiss_Schnee_Official (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    Wow... I told him to go wild, but I really didn''t expect this¡­


    Umm... I''m not sure where to start...


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    I do~


    Here, you can start by watching [this] video and following up on the post. Then watch our glorious leader''s open letter. That''s it, really. There isn''t much else to say besides your daddy being a colossal cunt, as usual.


    End of Page.   1, 2, 3 ... 40, 41, 42


    (Showing page 2 of 42)


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Oh, hey, our tags came through.


    ?Nighthawk (Beacon Academy - Senior)


    Very cool. Information brokers, huh? You two have some stiff competition. There''s a club in Vale run by a guy called Junior. He''s the best in the business and you''re not likely to pull any customers from him.


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    lol We''re with him. We used to be his enforcers actually before our glorious leader dragged us off to Beacon.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Yup. Glory to humanity. Push back the darkness. Heroes never die. Rah rah.


    ?Sir_Auspice (Beacon Academy - Junior)


    lol Sassy twin indeed. Why the "At Ground Zero" though? Sure, I''ve been hearing some weird rumors about the bunny, but he can''t be that bad.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Oh, you sweet, summer child.


    ?Sky Maiden Amber (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue) (Verified Magical Girl)


    We''re on his team, that''s why. And whatever you''ve heard about our fluffy leader, you don''t even know the half of it.


    Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.


    Living with Tianyu is... an experience...


    ?ReaperDeathClaws (Beacon Academy - Sophomore)


    Ugh, another weirdo with a bestiality kink. Keep that shit to yourself for fuck''s sake.


    ?Sky Maiden Amber (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue) (Verified Magical Girl)


    What are you talking about?


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    He''s saying we must be fucking him. We''re not.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Not for lack of effort. Seriously, have you seen him?


    Alas, bun-bun is happily married and the three of us are doomed to pine over our lost love, so close yet so far.


    ?50 Shades of Blake (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Pussy Bandit)


    I feel you.


    ?Sky Maiden Amber (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue) (Verified Magical Girl)


    Speak for yourselves! I''m not pining!


    ?BadSamurai


    Wow, bunny''s got game.


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    There''s a reason "fuck like rabbits" is common parlance. Jacques can''t compete. His cuckery was inevitable.


    ?Weiss_Schnee_Official (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Adorkable Snowflake)


    Gross! Tianyu!


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    I''m just sayin''. Mama Willow knows what''s up.


    ?ReaperDeathClaws (Beacon Academy - Sophomore)


    Be silent, furry creature.


    ?Chilldrizzle


    Wow. Just caught up. It''s kinda wild to think there are racist assholes among hunters too. I mean, aren''t you supposed to be the heroes?


    ?Dusty Qrow (Verified Huntsman - Vale) (Legendary Drunkard)


    Heh, welcome to reality, kid. We''re human like the rest of you civvies, just less squishy. You can train to get stronger, but you can''t train away the stupid.


    ?Nighthawk (Beacon Academy - Senior)


    What he said.


    Also, where can I get a custom tag? That''s pretty cool.


    ?Winter_Schnee_Official (Verified Huntsman - Atlas) (Atlas Military - Specialist)


    Do you see what you''ve done now, Qrow? You''re setting a horrible example. Are you proud of your alcoholism?


    ?Dusty Qrow (Verified Huntsman - Vale) (Legendary Drunkard)


    Hell yeah. I earned this tag fair and square. Ask [Loremaster Port]


    ?Loremaster Port (Beacon Academy - Faculty) (Verified Expert - Grimm Studies)


    Indeed, what a marvelous night that was.


    ?Winter_Schnee_Official (Verified Huntsman - Atlas) (Atlas Military - Specialist)


    I don''t know why I bother. [Weiss_Schnee_Official], I''d better not see you with this nonsense.


    End of Page.   1, 2, 3, 4 ... 40, 41, 42


    (Showing page 3 of 42)


    ?Weiss_Schnee_Official (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Adorkable Snowflake)


    Of course no-Hey! Remove this [Red Hot Sexbomb]!


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    No.


    ?Winter_Schnee_Official (Verified Huntsman - Atlas) (Atlas Military - Specialist)


    The Atlas Academy forums are nothing like this. I pity you, [The Good Witch].


    ?The Good Witch (Beacon Academy - Faculty) (Verified Expert - Combat Tactics)


    Your condolences are welcomed in the spirit they were intended. Now if you''ll excuse me, I have enough on my plate without concerning myself with your family drama.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Say, sis, you know what''d be funny?


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Way ahead of you. Hehehe [The Good Witch].


    ?The Good Witch (Beacon Academy - Faculty) (Verified Expert - Combat Tactics) (Telekinetic Dommy Mommy)


    Remove this. Now.


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    No.


    ?Ringmaster (Beacon Academy - Junior)


    Wow, the freshies are bold. Suicidal, but bold.


    ?The Good Witch (Beacon Academy - Faculty) (Verified Expert - Combat Tactics) (Telekinetic Dommy Mommy)


    Whatever protection you think being on Tianyu''s team gets you, I promise it will not be sufficient.


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    Correct. I explicitly told them that I won''t protect them from the consequences of their own actions. Punish away, dommy mommy~


    ?The Good Witch (Beacon Academy - Faculty) (Verified Expert - Combat Tactics) (Telekinetic Dommy Mommy)


    You-! Fine, whatever. Detention. Both twins. All week.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    What? You''re right next to us, [Rabbit Stew]! You laughed!


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    And?


    ?Sky Maiden Amber (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue) (Verified Magical Girl)


    Have you forgotten how sadistic Tianyu can be?


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    We trusted you.


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    You have betrayed our trust. You can¡¯t punish us for things you find funny. It¡¯s in the rules.


    ?Ringmaster (Beacon Academy - Junior)


    Can someone explain why a first year can offer any kind of protection against Professor Goodwitch?


    ?50 Shades of Blake (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Pussy Bandit)


    Seriously. It''s so unfair. They barely do any homework and "Tianyu wants us," is a valid excuse to get them out of class. Remember when they took over the entire cafeteria to make tamales? I mean, those were fantastic, but still. The bunny doesn''t even show up for class most of the time.


    ?WIN-Chester (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Verified Bigot)


    Because he''s chicken shit, that''s why. He fought me once in combat class and ran out crying like a bitch.


    ?50 Shades of Blake (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Pussy Bandit)


    Oh, look, it''s the fuckwit ginger. You''re so clueless it honestly hurts to watch. I used to hate you, but I don''t even have the energy for that anymore. It''s like hating mold.


    ?WIN-Chester (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Verified Bigot)


    Says the Fang wannabe. At least some of us have a future. You and the bunny probably couldn''t hack it with the real terrorists so they sent you here to straighten up.


    ?Sky Maiden Amber (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue) (Verified Magical Girl)


    The more you talk, the more I''m convinced that some people shouldn''t breathe anymore. Tianyu is not and never was part of the White Fang. You know how I know?


    Idiots like you are still breathing. Your life is proof that Tianyu is a better man than you''ll ever be.


    ?Captain Obvious (Beacon Academy - Sophomore)


    I mean, imagine though, a Schnee in the Fang.


    ?50 Shades of Blake (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Pussy Bandit)


    That would be such a PR win. I mean, aside from everything else the bunny can do. Seriously, [Rabbit Stew], please join up. Even if it¡¯s just to do like a single interview or something.


    End of Page.   1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 40, 41, 42


    (Showing page 4 of 42)


    ?Answer Key


    What else can he do?


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Nope. Shut it. [50 Shades of Blake]. That''s so fucking classified it''s not even funny. Some intel just isn''t for sale.


    ?50 Shades of Blake (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Pussy Bandit)


    You can''t stop me.


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    I can though. I would greatly appreciate my continued privacy. In fact, Cardin is right. I''m a scaredy cat who''s terrified to face him in the ring. I would much rather hide behind [Sky Maiden Amber]. She gives great ear scritches.


    Also, anyone who reveals any details about me will forfeit all of my cooking, now and forever. In your case, I¡¯m going to take away [Ninja of Love]¡¯s tuna supply as well.


    ?50 Shades of Blake (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Pussy Bandit)


    Fine, I''ll be quiet. [Ninja of Love] would be mad if you threatened her tuna supply.


    ?Ninja of Love (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Endangered Pussy)


    I would be very upset if you lost me my tuna, Ilia.


    Edit: Get rid of that tag!


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    No.


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy - Sophomore) (Fashion Guru) (Sexy and She Knows It)


    Wow, my freshman year definitely wasn''t this interesting.


    Edit: Thanks for the tags, [Red Hot Sexbomb]. Finally, some recognition.


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy - Sophomore) (Faunus and Proud) (Choco-Bun) (Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace)


    Can you please remove my tags? And how do I change my screen name?


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    You''re welcome, [Caramel Fashionista].


    And no, [Thighlicious], you may not remove those tags, by order of my glorious leader and your martial daddy.


    I have no idea what that means. He just says he''s your martial daddy.


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    You are all my students, but [Thighlicious] is the sole rabbit. The Lunar Throne may only be occupied by a rabbit. Ergo, she is by default the young mistress. It doesn''t mean I think less of you, but bunnies are just made for greater things than mere mortals.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Wow, I''m really feeling the love here.


    That¡¯s racist. Reverse racist? Yeah, that.


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy - Sophomore) (Faunus and Proud) (Choco-Bun) (Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace)


    Can I abdicate my position?


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    You may not.


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy - Sophomore) (Faunus and Proud) (Choco-Bun) (Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace)


    This is kidnapping! You can''t just coerce someone into being your... young mistress... Whatever that is!


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy - Sophomore) (Fashion Guru) (Sexy and She Knows It)


    Bunny-napping?


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy - Sophomore) (Faunus and Proud) (Choco-Bun) (Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace)


    You''re not helping, Coco!


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    Of course I can. I am the king, ergo my word is law. You know, being the young mistress gets you certain perks.


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy - Sophomore) (Faunus and Proud) (Choco-Bun) (Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace)


    Fine, I''ll bite. Like what?


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    Free carrot cake?


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy - Sophomore) (Faunus and Proud) (Choco-Bun) (Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace)


    That''s racial profiling.


    ?Answer Key


    lol But he''s a bunny too though.


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    So you don''t want a weekly carrot cake, all to yourself?


    ?Sky Maiden Amber (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue) (Verified Magical Girl)


    This is so unfair. We also want cake.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Yeah, bun-bun. Don''t we deserve some love too?


    End of Page.   1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... 40, 41, 42


    (Showing page 5 of 42)


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    I make you breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks with ingredients you''ve never even heard of. You can''t seriously tell me you''re jealous of losing out on one cake a week.


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    We are.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Yup. Totes. We demand cake.


    ?Sky Maiden Amber (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue) (Verified Magical Girl)


    I don''t want to sound ungrateful, but... your cakes are really good...


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    Fine, you whiny brats. If [Thighlicious] doesn''t want her cake, you can have it.


    ?Thighlicious (Beacon Academy - Sophomore) (Faunus and Proud) (Choco-Bun) (Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace)


    I didn''t say that. Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. The cat faunus loves fish. The chameleon faunus is a stalker. This bunny loves carrot cake.


    What does the young mistress do again?


    ?Nighthawk (Beacon Academy - Senior)


    Wow, that was fast. Then again, I''ve had the tamales. Any chance we upperclassmen can get in on that?


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    Nope, sorry. Chef Orion is a perfectly capable chef.


    ?50 Shades of Blake (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Pussy Bandit)


    I''m not a stalker!


    ?Ninja of Love (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Endangered Pussy)


    I mean... You did follow me here...


    ?50 Shades of Blake (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Pussy Bandit)


    Et tu, Blake?


    ?Captain Obvious (Beacon Academy - Sophomore)


    Your screen name really isn''t helping either.


    ?50 Shades of Blake (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Pussy Bandit)


    STFU


    ?Answer Key


    To get back on topic, [Weiss_Schnee_Official], how do you feel about having a brother you''ve never met before?


    ?Weiss_Schnee_Official (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Adorkable Snowflake)


    He''s incredible. He''s also a sadist. He makes the best food I''ve ever had, even at five star restaurants. And he''s the single most frustrating person I''ve ever met. I wouldn''t be surprised if I developed a phobia of rabbits because of him.


    I wouldn¡¯t be surprised if all of Remnant developed a phobia of rabbits in the near future.


    ?Answer Key


    Those are some mixed signals there.


    ?Ringmaster (Beacon Academy - Junior)


    lol Is Weiss Schnee a tsundere?


    ?Red Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Quiet Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Yes.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Like you wouldn''t believe.


    ?Ninja of Love (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Faunus and Proud) (Endangered Pussy)


    Yup. She was like this with our team leader too.


    ?Weiss_Schnee_Official (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Adorkable Snowflake)


    What''s a "tsundere?"


    ?Caramel Fashionista (Beacon Academy - Sophomore) (Fashion Guru) (Sexy and She Knows It)


    Heh, no one tell her.


    ?Rabbit Stew (Original Poster) (Divine Chef) (Jade Rabbit) (Seventh King) (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat)


    You. You''re a tsundere.


    And you can¡¯t develop a phobia of rabbits. A phobia is by definition an unreasonable fear of something. The fear of a superior existence that towers over you on the cosmic ladder isn¡¯t unreasonable. It¡¯s common sense.


    ?Weiss_Schnee_Official (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (Adorkable Snowflake)


    I don''t know if I should be insulted or not.


    ?White Hot Sexbomb (Beacon Academy - Fresh Meat) (The Sassy Twin) (Verified Information Broker) (At Ground Zero: Tianyu Yue)


    Definitely insulted, but it''s not that bad. If it makes you feel better, just take comfort in the fact that you''re not a yandere.


    End of Page.   1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 ... 40, 41, 42


    Author¡¯s Note


    Welp, here''s your PHO chapter. Been holding onto this one for a while. The Hunters Union isn''t ready for Tianyu''s nonsense.


    Yu Di is another way of saying the Jade Emperor. Tianyu picked it for this bullshit because it''s easy for him to remember. Mythologically, the original Jade Rabbit was granted his godhood by the Jade Emperor.


    Animal Fact: Insects have existed for more than 350 million years, longer than dinosaurs. Many types of insects have remained phenotypically constant throughout the ages. A prehistoric grasshopper would look largely the same as a grasshopper today, excusing the square-cube law of course.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs</a>.

 28

    Homeless Bunny 28


    Tianyu Yue


    Velvet Scarlatina, young mistress of the Lunar Palace, panted breathlessly as she slumped forward, hands braced on her knees and ears drooped with exhaustion. We¡¯d gone through the martial aspects of training for the day, leaving her feeling like a wrung-out towel.


    She had a gift, the marvelous ability to mimic anything she¡¯d seen before. With but a glance, she could copy everyone¡¯s fighting styles, condensing years of effort into mere moments. By the time we¡¯d finished sparring, she could move as gracefully as Weiss, strike as decisively as Pyrrha, and insert herself with perfect synchronicity in a duet with either of the twins.


    Yet, she still could not master the Lunar Revel.


    Oh, the forms were perfect, divine even. She¡¯d come to me with an already excellent foundation. Her physique was both strong and graceful, with little wasted fat or unneeded muscle. Her limbs were flexible and she possessed the naturally enhanced awareness of the supreme existence that was us bunnies.


    But though she could copy the motions, she could not fully integrate the Lunar Revel into her fighting style. It was expected. The martial art was what I¡¯d made after decades of marriage to Luo Hao. It was an art designed for bunnies, by me, the supreme bunny. I couldn¡¯t claim perfection, but even my beloved praised it as an art that transcended mortal understanding.


    Naturally, there was more to the Lunar Revel than mere posture. Good form was important, but Velvet could not wield magic, or in her case, aura, in the specific ways needed to bring out the full potential of those forms.


    In that sense, Lie Ren, my brother-in-tea, was a godsend. The naturally meditative boy had a highly developed understanding of his own aura and the ways it could be manipulated. He was even able to launch his aura in a destructive pulse that rivaled Nora¡¯s highest yield grenades.


    As far as single-instance attacks went, excluding myself and Amber for obvious reasons, I was fairly certain that Ren had the strongest ace up his sleeve, provided he could make physical contact.


    I¡¯d asked Ren to take up the task of teaching Velvet. She¡¯d thought her workload would shrink when she showed off her Semblance, demonstrating her ability to copy my forms. Little did she know, she¡¯d only just stepped onto the starting line of the celestial martial dao.


    I reached out and gently caressed Velvet¡¯s ears. It was a highly intimate motion, usually reserved between lovers among faunus from what I understood, but she deserved it. The comfort and peace, the sheer wholesomeness brought about by my supreme ear-scritching technique, it would soothe her soul for what was to come.


    ¡°You did well, choco-bun,¡± I spoke softly.


    ¡°Thanks,¡± she panted.


    ¡°Now we can get to the important training.¡±


    ¡°Wait, what?¡±


    ¡°Come along, Velvet. I have much to teach you.¡±


    ¡°I-But-You¡­ Why?¡± she asked, that single word carrying a mountain¡¯s worth of dismay.


    ¡°You are the Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace. There are certain skills I must pass down to you,¡± I replied calmly. I saw her eyes widen. Her bare thighs tensed as she prepared to flee. Alas, she could not so much as twitch before I had her by the scruff of her neck.


    ¡°This is unfair. I didn¡¯t ask to be born a bunny!¡±


    ¡°Yet, here you are, blessed with the most splendid of bloodlines. You must conduct yourself accordingly.¡±


    ¡°Help¡­ I¡¯m being kidnapped¡­¡±


    The rest of my students, lying in varying states of exhaustion around the glade, looked at Velvet, then at me. Then they found something else to occupy themselves with.


    Wise.


    X


    Velvet Scarlatina


    ¡°You could have just said you wanted to teach me to cook, you know,¡± I complained as I carefully memorized his movements. He was making a lovely, lavender-infused, vanilla cream cheese frosting for a carrot cake I definitely wanted to remember.


    ¡°I did. I said we¡¯d move on to the important training,¡± he replied. ¡°What¡¯d you think that meant?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m a huntress-in-training! You¡¯re a huntsman-in-training! How is cooking more important than actually training?¡±


    He paused his stirring and placed a hand on my shoulder. With a gaze as serious as a heart attack, he said, ¡°You are a bunny before you are a huntress. You are the Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace. Do you know what that means?¡±


    ¡°How should I know? It¡¯s a made up title you gave me because we¡¯re both bunny faunus.¡±


    ¡°No. It means you are my representative on Remnant. Just as a calm lake mirrors the moon, and so imparts a fraction of the moon¡¯s splendor and serenity upon the world, so too must you reflect my glory. Be as the calm lake, choco-bun. Learn and grow, that you might one day illuminate the darkness.¡±


    ¡°With cooking?¡± I asked skeptically. Tianyu was strong, phenomenally so, but this was ridiculous.


    ¡°Food is life. Cooking is art. Cuisine is history,¡± he intoned solemnly. The air hummed as he spoke those words, as if they were cosmic truths, not a weird bunny-chef¡¯s life motto. ¡°All that lives must be nourished. Therefore, the art of nourishment is the supreme art which embodies the essence of life itself. The record of such artistry is the record of society, of history. Do you understand, choco-bun?¡±


    ¡°I¡­ I get it. I still don¡¯t see what being a rabbit faunus has to do with cooking.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ll learn in time, little bun.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m taller than you.¡±


    ¡°We can get back to aura training.¡±


    ¡°Please guide this unworthy bunny along the culinary dao,¡± I replied robotically. ¡°This one is but a humble vessel, ready to be filled with your profound wisdom.¡±


    ¡°Oh, good, you can learn.¡±


    X


    It was an exhausting but rewarding afternoon. Tianyu taught me how to make his special carrot cake from scratch, with that floral cream cheese frosting that I couldn¡¯t get enough of. It was easily the best thing I¡¯d ever put in my mouth, and I knew how to make it!


    I couldn¡¯t wait to go home. My family wasn¡¯t impoverished or anything, but we weren¡¯t exactly wealthy either. And with five siblings, my parents had their work cut out for them. I just knew they¡¯d love this recipe. Maybe, I could even get Tianyu to come and tea¨C


    The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    I froze.


    Tianyu considered me a ¡°young mistress,¡± whatever that was. He seemed to think that I should learn martial arts and cooking, just because I was the only other rabbit faunus in Beacon. Apparently, there was this ¡°Lunar Palace¡± organization that I was supposed to join, maybe when I graduated? So what would happen when he found my five little brothers and sisters?


    Would¡­ Would they be ¡°young masters¡± and ¡°young mistresses?¡± Would he draft them all into his hellish training? Would he try to make an army of rabbit faunuses? He already had an army of actual rabbits according to Weiss and Amber so¡­ that was a worrying possibility¡­


    I shook my head so fast my ears flopped around. No. Absolutely not. I was the big sister. I had a duty to protect my younger siblings. I joined Beacon on a scholarship so I could make tons of money and give them the luxury to pursue whatever they wanted in life. I didn¡¯t want this kind of life for them.


    Tianyu must never meet my family, no matter how divine his carrot cakes were.


    The door burst open, revealing my team leader in all her ¡°bullet-chic¡± fashionista glory. I was wondering when she¡¯d track us down. ¡°YOU! BUNNY!¡±


    ¡°Which one?¡± Tianyu and I said in perfect sync.


    She stalked towards Tianyu like she was walking down a catwalk. Now that I thought about it, that was how she always walked. ¡°You. Pillsbury Doughbunny.¡±


    ¡°Me~¡± he sang back. Then he recoiled in confusion. ¡°Wait, is that a thing here? Does Pillsbury sell shitty frozen pastry dough?¡±


    ¡°What are you talking about? They own the biggest bakery chain in the world.¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­ Oh my, this truly is the worst timeline. I knew Remnant was a culinary wasteland, but¡­ Pillsbury? Next you¡¯ll tell me Nestle runs the biggest charities on Remnant,¡± he said, aghast at the idea for some reason. Nestle donated a lot of water purifiers if I remembered right. What was wrong with that? ¡°Whatever, kudos for the creative insult. I don¡¯t think anyone¡¯s ever called me the Pillsbury mascot before. You¡¯re a very brave woman.¡±


    ¡°Why, thank you. I do put some thought into my putdowns,¡± Coco replied with a smirk. She did. I knew she did because I saw her pocketbook of sassy comebacks.


    Style was perhaps a little too important to my team leader.


    Tianyu cut her a slice of carrot cake and slid it over. ¡°Okay, you¡¯ve found me. What do you want?¡±


    ¡°Look, I¡¯ve been patient but you can¡¯t keep bunny-napping my teammate.¡±


    ¡°I mean, can¡¯t I?¡±


    ¡°You can¡¯t!¡±


    He looked at me meaningfully, then back at Coco. ¡°I seem to have succeeded.¡±


    ¡°She has to train, you know.¡±


    ¡°My training is superior to your training,¡± he said simply. And¡­ And he was kinda right. It¡¯d only been a few days but I could feel myself improving. Strength, speed, flexibility, balance, technique¡­ I¡¯d reached something of a plateau since coming to Beacon, but no longer. I felt like a fresh trainee again. ¡°By the time I¡¯m through, she¡¯ll be strong enough to declare war on humanity on her lonesome and win. Such is the true greatness of the Young Mistress of the Lunar Palace.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t want to be that strong,¡± I muttered, only to go completely ignored. I slumped a little. I¡¯d never been good at dealing with strong personalities and both Coco and Tianyu were as strong as strong got.


    ¡°We have missions coming up!¡±


    ¡°So you¡¯ll get choco-bun back when you need to set off,¡± he said.


    ¡°And the Vytal Festival!¡±


    ¡°Good. She can demonstrate true bunny superiority. Faunus. Human. It matters not, for all shall bow before choco-bun, she who is to be the avatar of my will on Remnant, the prophet of all things fluffy.¡±


    ¡°You can¡¯t just keep stealing my teammate away whenever you want!¡±


    ¡°Of course I can. She was a bunny long before she was CFVY. It¡¯s clear which has precedence. Her destiny is written in the stars and I shall illuminate it for her with the light of the moon.¡± Tianyu smirked teasingly. ¡°Oh, I see how it is. You¡¯re not worried Velvet isn¡¯t getting her workouts. You¡¯re just lonely because she isn¡¯t spending time with you anymore.¡±


    Coco lunged and pulled me into a hug. I felt her cheek nuzzle up against mine. ¡°Yes! She¡¯s my bun! You can¡¯t have her!¡±


    Then, in the blink of an eye, I found myself on the other side of the table. Tianyu pulled me into his lap, never mind how silly we looked given I was more than a full head taller than him.


    ¡°You say that, but she¡¯s already mine, Coco. You¡¯re too late. She must embrace her destiny.¡±


    ¡°No, I really don¨C¡± I tried to say, only to find a forkful of carrot cake daintily deposited into my mouth. ¡°Mmph!¡±


    I tried to tell him off, I really did, but I couldn¡¯t help myself. Instinct took over and I bit down. It would be a travesty to waste the glorious treat.


    And then it started. My whole body shivered with delight. A wave of pleasure hit me like a tidal wave. Though I¡¯d come to expect it from all of Tianyu¡¯s cooking, I couldn¡¯t stop my body from reacting anyway. It was like trying to hold back a tsunami with a box of tissues.


    A truly indecent moan left my mouth against my will. It was downright pornographic, as lewd as Blake sounded whenever she had any of Tianyu¡¯s tuna dishes. I felt my face burn with humiliation as the greatest carrot cake in the world made every hair on my body stand on end. I just knew my ears were doing their happy wiggles.


    ¡°See?¡± he said smugly, wrapping his arms around my tummy possessively. ¡°She¡¯s already mine, Coco.¡±


    ¡°N-No, that¡¯s not right,¡± she stammered, her own face turning red with what had to be vicarious embarrassment on my behalf.


    ¡°The proof is in the pudding. Or the carrot cake, as the case may be. Face reality, Coco. Choco-bun likes me more.¡±


    ¡°I-It¡¯s not a contest,¡± I managed to squeak out.


    Then Tianyu reached up and grabbed my ears. It was a perfect, two-pronged assault. One would have been overwhelming enough, but both his cooking and ear scritches?


    To my eternal shame, I couldn¡¯t resist. I folded like a house of cards before a hurricane as a soothing wave of warmth radiated down from my ears to the tips of my toes.


    I felt safe and fulfilled as Tianyu¡¯s dexterous fingers ran along the edge of my ears. It was comfort. It was peace. It was the platonic ideal of warmth and affection. For a moment, I abandoned my mortal shell and transcended, becoming one with the dao of fluffy.


    ¡°Shhh, just embrace the fluffy, choco-bun,¡± he cooed. I couldn¡¯t see his face but I could imagine the smug smirk he must have been sending Coco¡¯s way. ¡°You see, Coco? I can give her something you never can.¡±


    ¡°I-I can pet her too!¡± she exclaimed. But the protest sounded weak. She saw the wholesome puddle I¡¯d become and was grasping at straws.


    ¡°You are not a bunny. You will never have the intimate understanding of her physiology, nor can you truly appreciate the divine dao of ear scritches.¡±


    Tianyu spoke like a king declaring his royal edicts onto the world. He delivered truth bombs more viciously than Nora swung her hammer. Each word gouged at Coco¡¯s heart, revealing the absolute reality that she could not change.


    I could see the despair in her eyes, the realization that I would never be as at peace with Team CFVY as I was in this moment. It wasn¡¯t fair. It wasn¡¯t her fault she wasn¡¯t a bunny faunus.


    ¡°I-I¡¯m sorry, Coco,¡± I whispered, but even that was accompanied by a lascivious moan. ¡°I can¡¯t¡­ I can¡¯t resist him¡­¡±


    ¡°Vel-Velvet, no¡­¡± Coco gasped. ¡°You can! You can fight him! Fight the fluffy! Come back to us!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m¡­ sorry¡­¡±


    ¡°Noooo!¡±


    ¡°Yes, Velvet,¡± Tianyu whispered into my ears. His voice was sweet, dulcet like the finest singers on Remnant. It was sweet poison, flowing into my ears and fogging my mind. ¡°Embrace the fluffy. Let the fluffy flow through you. Become one with the fluffy.¡±


    ¡°Yes,¡± I moaned. ¡°I am bunny¡­ Bunnies are fluffy¡­¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s right. Unlimited cuddles. Unlimited ear scritches. Carrot cakes. The Lunar Palace is kind to bunnies.¡±


    ¡°No! You can¡¯t have her!¡± Coco shouted, mustering one final shout of defiance. ¡°I can cook! What? Don¡¯t look at me like that! I can learn! Velvet, nooo!!!¡±


    Then it stopped.


    Tianyu was caressing my ears and feeding me carrot cake one moment, only to vanish and reappear in front of Coco. He placed his hands on her shoulders and stared her down.


    I didn¡¯t blame Coco for freezing. He had that effect on me too. There was something hypnotic about his big, gorgeous, crimson eyes that had a way of holding someone in place.


    He wore a wicked grin, teeth bared like a wolf salivating over a young, naive calf. ¡°You have an interest in cooking, Coco? Why didn¡¯t you say so? I would be delighted to take Team CFVY on as line cooks.¡±


    I whimpered. I was weak. I could not resist the fluffy. And now, my team would suffer alongside me.


    On the plus side, more carrot cakes.


    Author¡¯s Note


    Did Tianyu just NTR Coco so he could get more line cooks? Yes, yes he did.


    Also, I keep getting comments on QQ from people asking why I post in the NSFW section even though all my stories are SFW. Now, I can legitimately say I¡¯ve included NTR in my stories so those guys can get off my back.


    Yes, I¡¯m this petty.


    Thank you for reading. To reach a wider audience, and because I enjoy a more forum-like setup to facilitate discussion, I like to crosspost to a wide variety of websites. You can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs</a>.