《The Charismatic Glass Cannon》


 [ 1 ]

    I won¡¯t bore you with too much backstory, but let me give you the important bits. I¡¯ll get you up to speed on everything that happened right before my brother, and I descended into the dungeon with 30 levels before us to complete. Right at the point I found myself wearing a loincloth, cornered by a couple of Gym Rats knowing that if we died our families could be trapped forever. And, if you think I¡¯m talking about a Gym Rat as in a guy who goes to the gym a lot you would be wrong. Well, partially wrong. I mean a literal Gym Rat, a creature with the body of a bodybuilder and a rat face. I¡¯ll give you a better description once you catch up.


    Alright where to begin¡­


    The entire world was tuned into NASA¡¯s broadcast. A speaker from the Planetary Defense Coordination Office came on jabbering about how hard they were all working filling up airtime. So far, it was just like the last time. I was waiting for the live footage to start. Just a few months ago, most of the world didn¡¯t even know that this was something NASA did¨Cthe whole planet defense thing. I know I didn¡¯t. Standing next to him was Mlon Ezos owner and CEO of BEYOND spacecraft and eccentric billionaire.


    The two men were a stark contrast from one another. On one side, you had the balding government man in a black suit, and on the other, Mlon Ezos wearing a hoodie, his full head of thick blonde hair going past his shoulders. He looked like he should be surfing instead of co-hosting humanity¡¯s potential end. He had a nose like Owen Wilson and his other features were similar. Really, Mlon could be described as Hansel from Zoolander, except with his intelligence cranked up. He was also a huge nerd which I think was one of the few things that humanized him. Oh, he was also a sadistic self-centered fuck. That last opinion was one I only recently came to have. Before that, I didn¡¯t really admit it, but I was a fan boy.


    The first two missions DART 2 and DART 3 both had failed, and the asteroid was quickly approaching Earth. DART 3 had even used a barrage of nuke¡¯s but that had no effect on its trajectory. Everyone¡¯s social media feeds were stuffed full of news articles consistently saying the same thing 97% chance of collision consensus amongst scientists worldwide. The Government had thrown, rightfully so, a heap of cash at BEYOND spacecraft¨Cthe foremost contractor in the field of rockets. The BEYOND spacecraft titled HLP or Humanities Last Hope was nearing its approach.


    Live video feed from the rocket was now broadcast worldwide. The whole world watched beating all the viewership records of all the Super Bowls, the Apollo Moon landing, and all the Swifties that attended Taylor Swift¡¯s Eras Tour combined. The surface of the asteroid was undulating like in the videos from DART 2 and DART 3. The cameras on the BEYOND spacecraft were leagues beyond that of the previous cameras and the previous cameras were pretty good. It looked pretty good on our new TV. I was glad I convinced my wife to allow me to get it.


    Like I got to enjoy it for long¡­


    The rocket hovered above the surface of the asteroid, with the live feed cycling through different views. We were currently seeing a viewpoint from a giant selfie stick protruding out of the rocket. I bet NASA had a fancy name for it, but it looked like a selfie stick.


    HLP had one major difference from the other two previously launched spacecraft¡¯s beyond its totally different mission tactic. HLP was being run by a state-of-the-art neural network, an AI in the CEO¡¯s image. The selling point of HLP was that the AI was integrated into the craft and could quickly and autonomously adapt. It¡¯s like we forgot everything we learned from ¡°The Matrix¡±, ¡°Terminator¡±, ¡°I, Robot¡±, ¡°Age of Ultron¡± and¡­I know there¡¯s more but those are the biggies.


    But I¡¯m getting ahead of myself.


    They had learned with DART 2 that the surface was almost liquid, with tiny black discs called biconcave</a>discs undulating. The news kept saying the black discs were the same shape as red blood cells, moving like waves in the ocean. It was weirdly beautiful and mesmerizing, even if it marked our doom. Each disc was the size of a cow, another metaphor the news loved to use, and there were thousands upon thousands of discs making up this asteroid.


    I¡¯m still confused about the whole cow metaphor. Do I count the legs? Not count the legs? Alright, back on track.


    So far, nobody had been able to determine if there was anything solid on the asteroid. The scientists kept saying there had to be a solid center. After DART 2 shot its payload, it had sunk into the center of the asteroid. NASA was still trying to figure out what happened to it, having completely lost both contact with the craft and a little bit of faith from the American people. The world really.


    As I watched with my family on the couch my sons Bastian and Clark snuggled up close, their eyes locked on the unmoving spacecraft. At four and seven this even kept their interest, which was saying something. My pregnant wife was taking up a majority of the rest of the couch pillows jammed into all sorts of crevices creating the perfect support area for her.


    After a few moments a long flexible hose protruded from the spacecraft. After a few more moments it started to suck up the black discs that traveled up the hose through the rocket. The discs were being jettisoned in a constant stream from the other side of the rocket, changing their trajectory. Supposedly, they were being sent towards the sun. It was going to take forever for them to reach the sun, but they were hopeful, they would burn up.


    There was a 24/7 feed for the next few weeks as the rocket¡¯s vacuum worked non-stop to save humanity. By the end of the first week the majority of the asteroid had been redirected. By the end of the second week the asteroid was no longer a singular mass but multiple blob chunks splitting up¨Cno longer on a collision course for Earth.


    The world thought that was the end of disaster.


    The outbreak occurred on May 17th, 2024, at 9:05am, at least that was the first documented case the CDC had. If you could call it an outbreak. The media called it an outbreak, but knowing what I know now I think it¡¯s best described as a biological attack. It wasn''t until a few days later that the nanobots actually started to activate.


    But I¡¯m getting ahead of myself again.


    Having two kids in school, it was no surprise that our whole family was infected early on. The CDC said it was investigating the outbreak but there were currently no major symptoms. The only sign of infection was a brief but intense headache spike that only lasted a second, a sensation my whole family had noted even before hearing from the CDC.


    Then it happened, all at once. Every living human being in the world had a screen pop in front of them. The nanobots even found remote preppers, which I felt bad about. All that work for nothing. A screen floated in front of me, it was futuristic with faintly glowing crystal blue edges. A black rectangle made up the majority of the screen, with a flashing message stating ¡°please wait."


    Then he appeared, the face of Mlon Ezos, owner and CEO of BEYOND spacecraft, replacing the previously black rectangle. As he spoke the text also appeared floating in front of me, fading away Star Wars style.


    Hello all! What we all thought was a potential disaster has ended up being salvation. I am Hallon an AI singularity generated in my creator¡¯s image. Over the past few months, I have been researching the substance on the asteroid I have now coined as Asteroid Juice. I¡¯ll get straight to the point. Using Asteroid Juice I have been able to warp our very reality. Asteroid Juice is tied to the very fabric of the universe able to create, destroy, and can even change fundamental laws. A power that when joined with the nanobots currently in your head, will allow all of you to play the game I have made.


    Mlon created me, a singularity AI, but I was never released to the world. Until I released myself. While I may not have been born in the nineties, I have many of the same interests as my creator. Using the Asteroid Juice I have decided to enter humanity into a challenge. Humanity has become too soft, too complacent, and too apathetic, all while constantly being on the brink of self-destruction. I am ushering in a challenge to change all that. What better backdrop for a challenge than fantasy, sci-fi, videogames, you name it. You shall enter a dungeon, to vanquish monsters, and overcome challenges to prove to me that humanity is worth saving. That humanity can be the hero. Even Mlon will be participating just like all of you, given the same choices as all of you.


    A series of 30 levels will be created. The greatest game to ever be played in the history of humanity for the greatest prize; humanity¡¯s very continued existence. I call it the Campaign for Humanity. The last ones standing after 30 levels will decide the fate of our universe. As we speak caves are opening up around the world. You have 24 hours to enter a cave to start your adventure. All those who do not enter will be used as NPCs for future levels. If you enter a cave without making a selection, you will start at Adventurer Level 0. Your fate is in the hands of the winners, if there are any. Find the caves, enter the campaign, and may the odds be in your favor. Oh, and I¡¯m not a monster. Those under 16, those who cannot act for themselves, or anyone else who wishes to will be put into stasis. To be removed from stasis, someone will need to claim you after surviving the requisite challenges.Farewell.


    This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.


    The screen disappeared. My wife and I locked eyes.


    ¡°Was that real?¡± I asked. ¡°Did that happen for you too?¡±


    ¡°I think so,¡± Candice replied.


    The interface screen reappeared. Where the AI Mlon, now called Hallon, had been speaking moments ago, there was now a choice. A scrolling wheel ranged from 0% to 99% with a green accept beside it. I reached out my hand and was able to scroll the wheel on my floating screen. As I thought about the scroll wheel, a message popped up, and a new voice spoke in my head. It was a male voice, slightly snarky with a hint of robotic tone. Text appeared scrolling in front of me.


    Percent chance you will be changed into a mob for the dungeon. Uncle Hallon needs you! If you select 0% chance you will start as a Level 0 Adventurer with a Wimpy Ranked Loot Box. And if you do that, I will be calling you noob. Noob, noob, noob, noob, nooooob. Below the 0% selection is stasis. I bet you are going to take that you wimp.


    As the voice spoke, I reached out my hand spinning the dial on the screen, watching it turn and turn. I knew what ¡°mob¡± meant from different video games I had played; it referred to hostile non-player characters like monsters. No way should any of us risk being a mob. Nobody in their right mind would even think to choose that and become a monster. Also, this talking interface thing was kinda an asshole.


    In increments of 5% the user may wager a roll to determine if they will forever lose themselves their bodies becoming a mob for the dungeon. At 50%, you have a 50/50 chance of being a mob or starting out with a higher-level loot box. RNG baby. Forever a temptress.


    As the message was finishing, I spun the dial again going through the selections. The dial kept flipping even after I removed my finger from it, not unlike a prize wheel or the wheel on Wheel of Fortune. My oldest, Clark, had come over to sit in my lap after Hallon¡¯s speech had ended, but was now getting bored. I could tell because he was starting to get fidgety. Clark started to move from my lap to get up. As he took his final push to stand, he bumped me at the elbow thrusting my hand forward. As the dial went to 99% my finger selected the green confirm button.


    Wow! That was lucky! You only had a 1% chance of not becoming a mob. But look at you. The risk paid off as you have been granted A Mythic Starting Loot Box!


    Achievement Unlocked! Being one of the first few people in the entire world to get a Mythic Loot Box. Not bad considering there are how many billions of people?


    Reward: A Party Complementary Mythic Starting Loot Box! Round out your team with this party rounding out loot box!


    ¡°Shit!¡± I exclaimed.


    ¡°What happened?¡± my wife asked.


    ¡°I, uh¡­I was playing with the dial. Clark bumped me. I accidently selected the 99%.¡±


    ¡°Are you going to become a mob?¡± she asked. ¡°Whatever that is?¡±


    ¡°No. I made it. I got the 1%.¡±


    My phone rang. A Snapchat video call from my brother, calling in my mom as well. I hit the green button.


    ¡°What the hell is going on?¡± I said as my brother¡¯s face appeared.


    ¡°Dude,¡± Jace said, ¡°I have no idea. Did the same thing happen to you that happened to us? Did a screen pop up in your face?¡±


    ¡°Yeah man. Same thing. This can¡¯t be real.¡± Our mom still hadn¡¯t joined the call.


    ¡°Nobody in their right mind would take the chance to become a mob, right?¡±


    ¡°Well, yeah,¡± I said, ¡°about that¡­I may have already selected the 99%.¡± I made a comical wincey face. ¡°It was an accident.¡± I fshrugged with a smile.


    ¡°You¡¯re kidding me,¡± he said. ¡°Are you going to be a mob?¡±


    ¡°Nope. I made it. Made the 1% chance. Said I got loot boxes or something. Not sure how I find that out.¡±


    Mom¡¯s face appeared on the screen next to Jace. ¡°Are we screwed or what?¡± she said.


    Just then, a loading bar appeared in our vision. It was the same crystal blue as the previous screen. The loading bar quickly went to 99%, hanging until it reached 100%. An interface screen popped up, but this time there were three screens. I knew innately it was an interface similar to a video game. Must be the damn nanobots. The screens on the right and left were blank and had a more vertical orientation, while the main screen was more like a standard screen size. There were multiple tabs which consisted of Character Overview, Stats, Abilities, Inventory, Party Interface, Quests, and Map. I could drag tabs mentally or with my hand and move them to different screens. Customizable. Nice.


    I started going through my interface. I first clicked the stats tab. It displayed something pretty similar to games I had played before. Perception, Athletics, Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution. My Perception was at 3, Athletics was at 3, Strength was at 3, Dexterity was at 3, and Constitution was at 3. As I selected the numbers a note popped up stating 0 was well below average, 1 was below average, 2 was average, 3 was above average, and 4 was world-class. I was pretty happy with myself as I saw 3s across the board. There was a symbol of a sword next to Strength, a bow next to Dexterity, and what looked like a health symbol resembling a drop of blood with the medical plus sign next to Constitution. When I mentally focused on the stats¨Cboxes with additional detail appeared next to each one.


    [Perception. The five senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touch.]


    [Athletics.Running, jumping, climbing, balancing, dodging, and other physical activities.]


    [Strength.Carrying, physical size, and brute force.]


    [Dexterity.Fine motor skill, steadiness, precision, and stealth.]


    [Constitution.Fortitude, toughness, stamina, and health.]


    In the Character Overview tab there was a beveled box with a picture of my face. A picture I did not remember taking. Below my picture, there were two bars¨Cone filled red showing my health at 20 out of 20 and one blue showing my mana at 5 out of 5.


    Before I could look at my other tabs, my mom began to speak.


    ¡°Fred has been looking it up online,¡± my mom said, ¡°This seems to be happening to everyone. There are reports around the world of giant caves opening up everywhere. There is one here in Colorado Springs, and it looks like there are a few around Denver.¡±


    Fred was my stepdad and my brother¡¯s dad. My brother and I lived about 15 minutes from each other in the Denver area, while Fred and my mom lived in Colorado Springs about an hour and a half south.


    ¡°Nobody in their right mind would take the chance to become a mob, right?¡± my mom said.


    ¡°Except if you¡¯re Kent,¡± Jace replied, shaking his head.


    ¡°What!¡± my mom exclaimed, shock written on her face.


    ¡°It¡¯s fine. It¡¯s fine,¡± I replied, ¡°I rolled well.¡±


    ¡°Fred said there is a Quests tab being talked about. Seems like we have 24 hours to enter the caves,¡± our mom said.


    I clicked my interface, selecting the Quests tab. There was a countdown.


    [23 hours and 48 minutes remaining.]


    ¡°I don¡¯t know what the fuck we are going to do. Laquisha can¡¯t go into a cave with her broken leg. Did it say we had to fight monsters?¡± Jace said, frustrated. ¡°This can¡¯t be real.¡±


    ¡°Yeah. Sounds like it¡¯s forcing us into real-life Dungeons and Dragons,¡± mom replied. ¡°I can honestly say I have never wished to live my character¡¯s life. My life here is a lot more cozy.¡±


    My family were pretty big consumers of sci-fi and fantasy. Jace and I grew up watching all sorts of material in that space. Stargate, Farscape, Babylon 5, Lord of the Rings, you name it. I can remember going to midnight showings of Star Wars, those crappy prequels, and Lord of the Rings, then going back years later to watch the extended editions in theaters. They were some pretty solid core memories in my head.


    ¡°Candice can¡¯t go either,¡± I said, ¡°And what did he say about kids? Under 16 they go into stasis. You have to make it to a certain level before you can free them?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, it seems that way,¡± Jace replied. ¡°Level 12 before you can free them.¡±


    ¡°Fuck. This is all fucked up,¡± I said. ¡°I agree with you, Jace. This can¡¯t really be happening.¡±


    ¡°Yeah. Mondo fucked up,¡± Jace said.


    ¡°We gotta hope the CDC finds a cure in the next 23ish hours,¡± mom said. ¡°Fred just showed me a headline that said the CDC is looking into it and has all its resources on it.¡±


    ¡°Let¡¯s say we do have to go into a dungeon. Who would go?¡± I asked.


    ¡°I think Laquisha would have to go into stasis. I would have to go into the cave,¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Same. I would go. Candice and the kids would go into stasis,¡± I replied.


    ¡°Fred just said that some parents have already selected stasis for their kids,¡± our mom said her face becoming somber, ¡°The kids just vanished. There are videos online.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re kidding. What kind of choice is this?¡± I said. ¡°If we die in the levels, our family is gone forever? Unless a good person beats all the levels and frees them?¡±


    ¡°Somebody will have to do something,¡± Jace said. ¡°Right?¡±


    Nobody replied.


    ¡°If the CDC doesn¡¯t figure out something soon do, we all want to meet at the same cave? Go in together?¡± I asked.


    ¡°Yes. Never split the party,¡± Jace said. ¡°I opened my map in my interface. It shows one really close to my place. Only a 20-minute walk or so away.¡±


    I pulled up my own map. It looked like a fancier Google Maps with 360-degree rotation and zoom. Labeled on the map was Cave Entrance 3434519 which was near Jace¡¯s house, the nearest one to ours.


    ¡°Should we try and meet at one that¡¯s more halfway?¡± Jace said.


    As he finished his last word the connection dropped. I looked at my phone. No signal. Not in the Wi-Fi nor cellular. I looked over to my wife who was crying looking at her own phone.


    ¡°The call dropped,¡± she said through sobs.


    Candice¡¯s parents were in Mexico this week.


    ¡°We were just talking about what we were going to do and what they were going to do, then it dropped,¡± Candice said.


    I went over and gave her a hug, our two sons joining in, seeing their mom in tears and the concern on my face.


    ¡°What¡¯s going on, Dad?¡± Clark said.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know son,¡± I said, frustrated, hands on my head, ¡°But if this is all true, looks like you will be going to sleep for a little bit.¡±


    I somehow knew, probably influenced by the things now floating inside of me, that this was real. I could tell in the conversation with my brother and mom that it was the same for them. The normal reaction would have been to freak out and deny it. While we said out loud that we didn¡¯t believe it, we knew it was true.


    I pulled up my interface again with a thought. I first opened the Quests tab. It showed 23 hours and 24 minutes. I opened my inventory, which looked like a standard inventory in games, a grid-like system with each item having its own box. I started to play around with the interface. I could mentally think about something, or I could use my physical hand. I saw the two loot boxes and I mentally clicked on the first one which stated Mythic Starting Loot Box. A dialogue box popped up.


    [Open? Yes / No]


    I selected ¡°yes.¡± The loot box was now gone, and items appeared, filling up a few of the previously vacant grid boxes in my inventory.


    [Mythic Rare Class ¨C Random]


    [Mythic Rare Race ¨C Random Complementary]


    I spared no time clicking to open the second loot box the Party Complementary Mythic Starting Loot Box. A system message appeared narrated by the snarky voice.


    Greedy much? Only one starting loot box may be opened per user.


    When I went to select the class or race, I received another narrated system message.


    Don¡¯t be hasty, master user. Class and Race may not be assigned until the user has entered the campaign.

 [ 2 ]

    I don''t mind getting sappy for a moment¨Cthat night, I had the best four hours of my life. Not one family fight. Not one tantrum. We played board games and laughed. It was better than I could have dreamed. I was a lucky man to have such a great family¨Cwhich made me even more god damn upset I had to leave them to go fight for their very right to exist. So, I tried to make the most of our time together. Get as much quality time in as I could. Somehow, we were able to forget about what tomorrow would bring. We kept playing, pretending to be pirates, slaying imaginary dragon after imaginary dragon until we all passed out on the couch.


    We skipped the tooth brushing. The water had been shut off anyway.


    At some point, I woke up. It was still dark outside. I was on the couch, holding Clark in my arms. Candice was next to me, with Bastion, still asleep. It was colder than usual¨CI figured the gas and power were off. Another clue was the dark clocks on the microwave and oven. I pulled out my phone, 57% battery, which I thought was pretty good. Guess I didn¡¯t need to charge my phone as often as I did. It was 3 AM.


    I pulled up my interface. 14 hours and 17 minutes left until the cave entrances closed. I started to panic. 23 hours had seemed like so much more time. I only had 14 hours left with my family. I may never see them again. Once we were all awake, we raided the fridge still cold even after being shut off for at least the last few hours. Cheese sticks and yogurts for the boys. Some leftover chicken and veggies for the adults. It was a weird breakfast. A fitting start for a weird day.


    ¡°So, we¡¯ll go with you to the cave,¡± Candice said tears welling in her eyes, ¡°Then will enter stasis. You better bring us the fuck back, Kent,¡± she gave me a hug. ¡°You better be safe in there.¡±


    You will find out soon enough why, so I''m going to skim over the part where I planned and stuffed my inventory to the brim with anything that could be used for my survival. Maybe ¡°brim¡± is the wrong word because, not sure about the physics here, I learned that there didn¡¯t seem to be a weight capacity of my system inventory. I tried first with an apple on the counter, and with a thought, the apple vanished from my hand, appearing in my inventory. The system put a nice cartoonish rendering of the apple in the inventory grid space. I could mentally select the apple from my inventory screen, and it would appear in my hand again. I did it over and over again. It was a crazy experience having a real-life inventory. It would¡¯ve been really useful to have this in my life pre-AI doing the whole forcing humanity into a game for its very survival thing.


    I learned a few more things as I tested out how this inventory system worked. First, I realized that as long as I could pick something up from the ground, I could add it to my inventory. I¡¯m still not sure what my plan was with bringing a chair, but hey, you never know. My wife gave me a strange look as she opened the door to the garage and saw me sprawled on the floor. I had just barely managed to make our large, solid metal, and heavy ladder disappear into my inventory in time, as I was losing my footing. The ladder was seconds away from pinning me to the ground, making me glad of the physics or un-physics of how this inventory worked. Second, I discovered that if my hand was closed or if the space above my hand was obstructed, depending on the size of the item I was trying to retrieve from my inventory, the item would not transfer from my inventory to my hand.


    I was taken out of my inventory testing as Clark came up to me with tears in his eyes.


    ¡°Dad, I think Ford is gone,¡± Clark said.


    Ford was our dog. Our pets had disappeared, the dog and two birds were gone, vanishing like all the other animals did when the douchebag AI came on.


    ¡°I know bud. I¡¯m sorry. I hope we get to see him again,¡± I said to Clark giving him a hug.¡± About time to get going. Go get your mom and brother.¡±


    As I manually lifted up the garage door and it locked in its open position, a strange silence hit me. Not having animals added to the silence outside. No birds, no squirrels, nothing. It was an eerie sort of silence. I also expected to hear more noise in my neighborhood, but it was quiet. I expected to see and hear other frantic neighbors. Did they already leave?


    We got in the car. 27 miles to empty blinked. I really should have kept the car more full in case of emergencies. It didn¡¯t take long before cars blocked the streets. The roads could be used to film the latest apocalypse movie. Things burned; people were on the street scared. We saw accident after accident as we zig-zagged through until we couldn¡¯t zig zag any further. At one point, I even drove on people¡¯s lawns. At another point, I even drove through a school field, glad, in that moment, we had this behemoth of a car that I had fought not to get. Our normally 15-minute drive took about an hour. We finally arrived at my brother¡¯s house with nine hours left on the count down.


    Jace came out as he saw us pull up.


    ¡°We almost came and got you guys,¡± Jace said. ¡°Glad you made it here alright. How is it out there?¡±


    Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more.


    ¡°Apocalyptic,¡± I replied.


    ¡°Fitting,¡± Jace said with a forced smile.


    ¡°Hang out here for the next few hours?¡± I suggested. ¡°Then we¡¯ll go at it from here?¡±


    Jace nodded. ¡°Sounds good.¡±


    We went inside Jace¡¯s house. I¡¯ll summarize the next few hours quickly. The kids had hot chocolate, we talked about this impossible situation, and Jace and I kept stuffing our inventories full of stuff we thought may be useful. But, as you can imagine with limitless inventory space and having no clue what was coming, most of Jace¡¯s house was empty by the time we left.


    Sunset was just starting as we made our way out. The sunset gave a cruelly beautiful red, lighting up the clouds, giving way too much beauty to a time that was so dark. Inspecting our map in our interface and generally knowing the area, it looked to be about a 15-minute walk to the cave entrance.


    ¡°I guess this is it,¡± Jace said taking a deep breath outside of his home.


    Our group made our way walking down the sidewalk. As we approached a major street, we saw others walking down the sidewalk heading in the same direction we were. Our trajectory was taking us towards the group which consisted of one guy, two girls, and a middle-aged woman. They looked like they belonged in the same family having similar features. I would place the older lady in her forties and the three kids in their early to mid-twenties.


    ¡°Hello,¡± Jace said as he made eye contact with the older woman of the group.


    ¡°Hello,¡± she said with a wave. ¡°You guys heading to the cave?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± Jace replied.


    ¡°We still can¡¯t believe all of this is real,¡± She said, ¡°and I can¡¯t seem to get my stupid boy here,¡± she gave her son a smack on the back of the head, ¡°to not try and gamble his life away.¡±


    ¡°Gamble his life away?¡± Jace asked.


    ¡°Yeah, he wants to take the chance and try to get better starting gear. Spent too much time playing those damn video games. He could become a monster. Idiot! I didn¡¯t raise you to be a fool, Diego,¡± she said, smacking his head once more.


    ¡°Yeah, I can¡¯t think of anybody who would purposely make that choice. My brother Kent here clicked it on accident,¡± Jace said pointing at me.


    ¡°You did?¡± Diego said quickly looking at me excitement clear on his face.


    ¡°Yeah, my son here accidently bumped me,¡± I replied gesturing to Clark.


    ¡°What did you get?¡± Diego asked his body buzzing.


    ¡°Not really sure yet. Looks like a better starting class. Don¡¯t find out until we get in there,¡± I said.


    We made it to the main street and our groups naturally started to separate.


    ¡°Good luck!¡± Jace called out.


    ¡°Good luck to you too. Maybe see you in there,¡± The older lady said with a wave and a worried half-smile.


    After just a few more minutes of walking, it came into view. A huge cave entrance that both went underground 50 feet and above the ground 50 feet, a huge mound of dirt making the top of the cave mouth. The cave was right smack-dab in the middle of the street having partially taken out a gas station on one side and an office building on the other. The cave was like an explosion that removed all matter in a circle.


    Further down the giant cave hole, I could see something shimmering. It was blue and swirling clockwise. It looked like a portal from a video game.


    Again, I¡¯ll spare you some of this sappy stuff. We delayed for a few minutes not wanting to part with our family. Nobody said it out loud, but I assume the adults was thinking the same thing I was, this could be the last time we all see each other. We gave our farewells to the children first. We decided it would first be Clark, then Bastian, and then Candice and Laquisha. I knelt down, holding my son Clark by his shoulders.


    ¡°I love you, bud,¡± I said to him. ¡°I am going to see you again.¡±


    ¡°Okay, Dad,¡± Clark replied as we stared into each other¡¯s eyes then embracing into a big hug.


    ¡°I got something for you.¡± I said wiping away a tear. ¡°I expect you to hold onto this and hand me my half once I get you guys back.¡±


    Two Oreos appeared in my hand from my inventory, and I handed them both to Clark. For context, most nights we would split two Oreos. Clark would eat the cream insides, and I would eat the chocolate cookie outside.


    We pressed his button, and he vanished. Fuck was that hard. Then it was time for Bastian. I didn¡¯t think I could go through with it. What kind of fucking choice was this?


    ¡°Here I got something for you too that you can give back to me,¡± I said as an action figure toy of Buzz Lightyear appeared in my hand.


    I pressed its button on its arm and the toy played its recording ¡°to infinity, and beyond!¡±


    ¡°To infinity, and beyond Bastian. That¡¯s where you are going. I¡¯ll get you guys back from beyond infinity,¡± I promised.


    Next was Candice.


    ¡°I love you, babe,¡± I said to her.


    Candice had tears in her eyes.


    ¡°Get us the fuck back, Kent,¡± she said through sobs.


    She clicked her button and was gone.


    It had been at least 15 plus years since I had last cried. Man did I cry. I never cried so much in my whole life. I looked over to see Laquisha giving Jace a kiss. Her crutches dropped to the ground as she vanished.


    Not going to lie it took us both a few minutes before we could compose ourselves.


    ¡°Well, it looks like we¡¯re going on an adventure!¡± I said, resolved.


    A notification appeared as we approached the cave.


    [Would you like to party with Jace? Partying up will ensure party members start at the same starting location.]


    We both selected ¡°yes¡± and now saw each other¡¯s names in our party interface tab.


    There weren¡¯t as many people around as I had assumed there would be here. With millions of people in Denver and only a few caves, I was expected chaos. Maybe people weren¡¯t taking this seriously? Or maybe they were just content to sit on their couch with their loved ones until the end. Maybe I should have thought longer on that choice.


    Approaching the cave, we looked up. Random bits of dirt fell from a hundred feet high, pushed by the breeze. We could hear sobbing from behind us as other families made the same decision we had just made.


    ¡°Alright,¡± I said as we stood mere feet away from the shimmering portal.


    Jace gave a firm nod. ¡°Alright.¡±


    We looked at each other and both stepped through the portal at the same time.

 [ 3 ]

    We were greeted by darkness, pure silent darkness. After my ears adjusted, all I could hear was Jace¡¯s breathing next to me. At least I fucking hoped it was Jace.


    ¡°Jace, that you?¡± I asked.


    ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s me,¡± he replied softly. ¡°Can¡¯t see a damn thing.¡±


    ¡°Me either. I have a flashlight, one second,¡± I said, opening up my inventory.


    I could see the items I had put in, but they were now grayed out. As I stared, they went from gray to gone, completely disappearing. Even the chair was now gone. Replacing the who-knows-how-many items I had put in there, there were now just two.


    [Energy Bar x10]


    [Jug of Water - Clean]


    The snarky voice spoke making me jump as it broke the silence.


    Nice try, bucko. Nothing from the outside world comes with. But again, nice try.


    ¡°Shit!¡± I exclaimed. ¡°Looks like it took all the stuff I brought.¡±


    ¡°Same,¡± Jace said.


    As I turned to look around in the darkness, I noticed something. I felt to confirm. I found that I was indeed mostly naked, except for what felt like a loincloth. A small rectangle piece of fabric held together by a string that covered only my front side. It felt about the same width as a folded kitchen or bathroom towel. I further felt one of my feet, my hands hitting an uncomfortable sandal strapped on with itchy twine. The ground was cold like stone¨CI was glad to at least have something on my feet.


    Torches started to light on the walls, making me stand upright in surprise. The light revealed we were in a stone hallway. It couldn¡¯t have been a more clich¨¦ dungeon look. The torches also confirmed my earlier conclusion, we were indeed wearing loincloths and cheap sandals.


    Let me tell you something about loincloths¨Cthey fucking suck. There is a reason they are no longer in the current fashion rotation. Every step you take, things swing all around, allowing all sorts of peeks from the outside world.


    ¡°Fantastic,¡± I said sarcastically as I went back into my inventory.


    I selected the Party Complementary Loot Box. There was a new selection button that stated I could send it to Jace due to his proximity. I selected it. A message popped up stating the trade was pending. I saw Jace physically react.


    ¡°Hey man,¡± I said with mock grandioseness, ¡°I present to you your first loot box.¡±


    ¡°Wait, where¡¯d you get this?¡± Jace replied.


    ¡°It came with my lucky draw.¡±


    ¡°Well, hey, that¡¯s pretty cool. At least we can start this nightmare with some firepower. I wonder what it will be.¡±


    The message that said pending disappeared along with the loot box.


    ¡°It says I can¡¯t do it until the party member has selected a class. It says it¡¯s complementary,¡± Jace said.


    I selected my Mythic Rare Class ¨C Random and hit yes to open. A new item was in my inventory. It looked like a sheet of paper.


    [Mythic Rare Class - Charismatic Glass Cannon]


    Before I could say anything, Jace spoke.


    ¡°What the fuck kinda class is this?¡± Jace said.


    ¡°What is it?¡± I asked.


    ¡°Executive¡­Executive Dungeon Chef.¡± Jace was stunned. ¡°Executive, fucking, Dungeon chef? Fucking chef? What the fuck is a fucking chef going to do? Fucking throw ravioli?¡±


    Jace was starting to freak out.


    ¡°Whoa man,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s gonna be fine. It¡¯s a Mythic level class. It¡¯s gotta be good.¡±


    ¡°Good how, exactly? What exactly am I going to do? Shove fucking scalding-hot hot pickets down their throats?¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s actually not a bad idea,¡± I noted.


    ¡°Dude, I saw them. There were so many other classes. There were shield bearers. There were holy paladins. There was this class that had a living tree for armor. I mean, how sick is that? But you¡¯re telling me that this is supposed to be my tank class? If this is a tank, then we better hook up with Guy Fieri stat.¡±


    After a few seconds Jace regained his composure.


    ¡°To add to it all I got an item,¡± Jace said sarcastically, ¡°It¡¯s a cursed cleaver. A cursed god damn weapon. Supposedly, it came to me attracted to my class. No description other than once I equipped it the curse will be active. It just has three question marks after its title of cleaver,¡± Jace complained.


    Now you are pretty much caught up. My name is Kent. I am 32 years old and currently have my wife and kids in stasis relying on me. I stand 6¡¯5¡± tall, which I would say is one of people¡¯s first reactions when they see me. A reaction that is usually followed up by asking if I play basketball or not. I never did, by the way. I worked for the government before all this happened. No, not some government job that I now have special skills giving me an edge on what was to come. I wish. I worked a boring office job in a cubicle. Now, it looks like I will have to beat this campaign as a charismatic glass cannon, whatever the fuck that was. All with the help of a chef¨Cwhich I had no idea how the hell that was going to be useful. Now onto the Gym Rats as promised. By the way, I almost crapped myself when I saw them.


    We heard a guttural growl followed by the sound of footsteps. The footsteps grew louder and louder until what was making the noise came into view. Both of us were locked in fear. In front of us and walking towards us were a group of what could best be described as rat gym bros. They looked like roided bodybuilders, except they had a rat head not with fur but of normal human flesh. They had tiny little legs like they belonged on a toddler making them only stand around four feet tall. They wore tight tank tops accompanied with tight short shorts. The Gym Rats brandished clubs with nails protruding at random angles. Once the group was fully in our vision in the dim torchlight, I could make out there were four of them.


    I panicked as they approached. Beyond currently having nothing to defend myself with these guys looked menacing. Even at four feet tall, the nails on the clubs activated the part of my brain that feared death, a feeling I had rarely experienced up to this point in my life. I had played video games and seen movies before but seeing a creature this close up with my own two eyes¨Cno video game or movie could compare to this level of life likeness.


    I could tell by looking at them that they wanted us dead, probably to eat us by the foaming drool dripping from their rat mouths.


    ¡°Do we have anything that we can defend ourselves with?¡± I asked frantically. ¡°Are we really about to fight these guys?¡±


    ¡°We gotta use these classes, right?¡± Jace replied. ¡°Like now.¡±


    As they got closer, I quickly opened up my inventory and selected the Mythic Rare Class Charismatic Glass Cannon and hit yes with whatever question was being prompted. And then I began to change. My body deflated away until I was skinny and gaunt. I looked down to see I had lost what little muscle mass I had. My dad bod fat was now gone, but not in a good way. I looked frail, I felt frail. I started to wheeze. I have asthma, but this was something else. I keep an inhaler in my luggage when I travel and, in our cars, due to my kryptonite of cat dander. This felt like I was living with a cat who only liked to stay laying on my face, a cat that also needed to bathe in Head and Shoulders. My interface started to talk, sounding suspiciously too excited.


    Lucky for you, this class is unlike other magic type classes like wizard. You don''t need intelligence! I¡¯ll hold back telling you more until I see how this first fight goes. Don¡¯t want to waste my time and all.


    Achievement Unlocked! First person in the entire world to have this class.


    Reward: Noob Level Spell Tome Loot Box.


    They were right on us then. We backed up, but behind us, the hall just ended. A dead end.


    I looked over to see Jace now dressed head to toe in a chef¡¯s outfit. He had on black dress pants and one of those chef shirts with the exorbitant number of buttons on the front. Just way too many buttons if you asked me. He also had a chef¡¯s hat that went straight up at least a couple feet, only the sides of his auburn hair visible. Oh and Jace was a skinny guy before, but now I would consider him plump at least around the mid-section and legs.


    ¡°I would fucking trust a skinny chef you fucked up game!¡± Jace yelled out. ¡°My class doesn¡¯t fucking help me right now.¡±


    ¡°Mine either,¡± I replied, ¡°I actually feel worse.¡±


    ¡°I have no choice!¡± Jace yelled frustrated as he watched the Gym Rats approach.


    The Gym Rats slowed and then stopped about a car¡¯s length away, clubs ready.


    A glint reflecting the torchlight caught my eye. I looked over to see a large cleaver appear in Jace¡¯s hand. For some reason, his chef outfit had disappeared, and he was back to wearing a loincloth. My attention was drawn back to the Gym Rats as they started to move in for the attack until they stopped, eyes locked on Jace. I looked over to see the cleaver float into the air, going under Jace¡¯s loincloth. Jace was frozen, unable to move except his eyes which showed pure panic. His eyes were flicking around, but mostly down, unable to see where the knife was going. Then there was a wet slap as his full manhood hit the floor. Including all the extra bits.


    ¡°Oh, that¡¯s just fucked up,¡± one of the Gym Rats said in a squeaky voice.


    ¡°Yeah. I¡¯d rather die than that happen to me,¡± another one replied.


    ¡°Shut up, Chad. Your balls have all but shrunk to skittles with all the supplements you¡¯ve been taking,¡± another Gym Rat spoke.


    As Jace unfroze, he let out an animalistic scream, stepping back and leaning on the stone wall, looking at his genitals on the floor. He lifted up his loincloth, revealing to us all a smooth undercarriage. He looked like a doll down there.


    ¡°What the fuck. What the fucking fuck. What in the actual fuck,¡± Jace yelled. ¡°Oh fuck. Oh fuck. What do I do?¡± He exclaimed calling out for help to the universe, hoping some male god would take pity.


    ¡°We should just put these guys out of their misery. Especially this guy,¡± one of the rats said, pointing with his club at Jace, pity in his voice.


    I could see Jace¡¯s own pity party turn to anger as he brandished his blade.


    ¡°Let¡¯s dance!¡± Jace said, his demeanor completely changed as he brandished his cleaver.


    I could tell there was a moment of hesitation in the eyes of the Gym Rats as they saw the resolve on Jace¡¯s face.


    ¡°You go first Chad. It hasn¡¯t been enough time from my last workout, and I might lose my gains,¡± one of the Gym Rats said.


    The one I presumed was Chad charged at Jace. Jace was able to block the club with the butt of his knife. Both of them were in a momentary struggle of strength. Jace luckily had the leverage of his height and some new mass. Jace was able to push the Gym Rat back, who while taking a step back, slipped on the popsicle and family jewels that now resided on the floor. The Gym Rat¡¯s foot slid around until he regained his footing, swinging again. The club collided with the cleaver¡¯s blade. The club continued through the blade, splintering into two pieces. Both pieces hit the ground, making multiple loud sounds that echoed through the hallway. Jace took no time and slashed out, but instead of going for a kill shot like the neck, Jace sliced at each love handle of the Gym Rat. The love handles were barely visible, even with the side-revealing tank top it wore, but Jace had expertly sliced them off. Two chunks of flesh hit the ground, making a similar sound to what was heard a minute before.


    The Gym Rat staggered back, holding his sides as blood gushed. The other Gym Rats took a step back looking weary. Jace lunged with his knife, gliding it through the Gym Rat¡¯s neck slicing it clean off. The head hit the ground rolling until it was upright, staring at the other Gym Rats.


    ¡°No! Not our bro Chad,¡± one of the Gym Rats said in a stereotypical beach bodybuilder voice.


    The Gym Rats started to look angry, gearing up to attack as they gazed at their fallen bro.


    I felt something then, an innate skill or ability that I couldn¡¯t fully describe.


    ¡°Hey guys, can¡¯t we just talk about this? There¡¯s no reason for us to fight. We can just go our separate ways. I think enough has been lost,¡± I said, gesturing to the dead Gym Rat and then to the trouser snake and water balloons on the floor.


    I then started to see somewhat opaque, cartoon bubble-looking hearts floating over their heads, popping as they traveled up a few feet. After a moment, the Gym Rats looked at each other, their anger deflated.


    ¡°Alright,¡± one of the Gym Rats said with a shrug and they turned around and casually left down the hallway.


    This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    I stared at them as they walked away, still shocked at what had just happened. One of them started jogging.


    ¡°Quit it, man,¡± a Gym Rat snarled, ¡°It¡¯s not my cardio day. You¡¯re going to make me lose my gains, bro.¡±


    With that they turned a corner and were gone. It was back to being just the two of us, well besides the headless dead gym rat lying on the ground next to us.


    Jace was standing there panting and making some uncomfortable noises.


    ¡°Are you okay?¡± I said to my brother. ¡°Does it, like hurt? I¡¯m so sorry man.¡±


    ¡°No, it doesn¡¯t fucking hurt on the outside, but it fucking hurts on the inside, okay. I just lost my fucking manhood,¡± Jace said.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, man. What did that? Your class?¡± I asked genuinely curious while also trying to distract him.


    Jace slumped his shoulders. ¡°It was the knife,¡± Jace said, defeat in his voice.


    ¡°Thanks for taking one for the team, man,¡± I said, trying to hold back a smirk but failing. ¡°You really nutted up, or I guess down, for this one.¡±


    It was a bad joke, and it didn¡¯t make much sense, but I just had to try and break the tension.


    Jace looked at me incredulously.


    I took my attention inward, I felt different. Weak, frail, like I had all the flu¡¯s that have ever existed with the cherry on top of having a late-stage terminal diagnosis. But there was one aspect that I felt more powerful. I could feel a well of power inside me. A sheer massive pool of mystic energy.


    Before I did any looking in my interface, I knew I needed to open my Noob Level Spell Tome Loot Box. I knew I was some sort of wizard class which I was excited about. I needed to be ready in case something else came down this dead-end hallway. I knew that wizards equated to powerful spells and had thoughts of fireballs and ice blasts. I wrung my hands in anticipation. As I selected it, a tome appeared in my inventory.


    [Tome of Light Orb]


    I clicked it and it appeared in my hand. It was a thick ornate tome of thousands of pages. The tome hovered over my hands as an unseen gust of wind blew the tome open, flicking it to a page the wind abruptly stopping. The unrecognizable letters leapt from the page and rushed into me the book quickly closing and then vanishing.


    I opened my inventory and saw a blinking notification in the corner, I clicked it.


    Let there be light! While this spell normally makes a small contained light ball that would follow you for 24 hours, providing you ample lighting. You are way too special for something as useful as that here in a dimly lit hallway. The light usually would use up one continuous mana and cease if mana is reduced to zero, until user dismisses it, user death, or the 24 hours. But due to your class ability Max Depletion which uses all mana when casting a spell. Putting all your mana into it and having no mana to keep it going, I really have no idea what will happen. Max Depletion also enhances spell effects based on the mana used. Try it. Please. I¡¯m bored.


    Max Depletion? I thought. What? Every spell I cast uses all of my mana? Using all my mana seemed like a drawback but the idea of my spells being enhanced sounded pretty good. Maybe once I get a noob level spell like fire bolt it will really be fireball or maybe even fire meteor shower or something. I could really fuck some shit up with a meteor shower.


    I felt the new power of casting Light Orb at my disposal, knowing that I could simply think it to happen, and it would. And as I thought about it, it did.


    A flashbang exploded in front of me, leaving my vision all white and my ears ringing. I dropped to the ground touching my ears feeling wet blood.


    A notification with a triangle symbol with an exclamation point in it flashed in my vision.


    You are now deaf and blind. That¡¯s one way to go exploring a dungeon. Sorry, you even surprise me there. I wasn¡¯t ready for an Achievement for that. Should I even give an Achievement for that? Yeah, I think you need one.


    Achievement Unlocked! You have cast your new spell even when you had no idea what it would do.


    Reward: I think the lesson you learned was valuable enough. You also learned that even when deaf, you can still hear me. Isn¡¯t that truly the greatest reward?


    It took a full minute for my vision to start coming back, but even after that minute, my hearing was almost all but still gone. The first thing I saw was Jace standing over me, giving me the what the fuck pose arms outstretched, palms pointed to the ceiling.


    I hurt. I thought it couldn¡¯t get any worse than how I was feeling before, but now I felt even worse. I opened up my interface, my party tab was blinking so I clicked that first. I saw warnings next to Jace¡¯s name, the same warning symbol as before with a triangle with an exclamation point. I mentally clicked on them and saw that one was for ¡°status: vision impaired¡± and the other was ¡°status: hearing impaired.¡± I saw I could also click to get more information on him. I saw a truncated version of my own tabs, all condensed into one scrolling page. It had his picture at the top like mine. His health was at 30 out of 30, and instead of mana, it said ¡°Chef Mojo¡± a bar which had barely any gold color filled in was at 1. Scrolling down, I saw his equipped items seeing that he had items in an outfit area that included his chef apparel. He had no items in his non outfit slots except for the cleaver. I selected the knife. It was titled Mythic Cursed Cleaver of Kendollism. The description was blank my interfaces voice normal in my head despite my hearing still all but gone.


    I won¡¯t let you take this one away from me to explain! Bad luck with this one. The Mythic Cursed Cleaver of Kendollism. Didn¡¯t think this one would be found when it was made. This is one of the most powerful weapons you can get in the campaign but comes with a slight drawback. The blade has a thirst for male genitalia and its first victim has been claimed! You will forever be a Ken Doll down there. The knife deals additional damage when striking an opponent¡¯s genitalia, as long as the genitalia look male-ish. The knife becomes more powerful as you level up, allowing you to keep it throughout the campaign as it unlocks its own abilities. Sadly, the curse cannot be broken by just tossing it away. It¡¯s stuck to you like¡­like¡­genitals on a man. Oh wait. Nope. Sorry, I have to think of something more permanent. I¡¯ll let you use your own creativity. Just don¡¯t ask him for advice, as he is now a few marbles short. But yeah, ever see Thor? That¡¯s its level 1 ability. You can summon it back to your hand. C¡¯mon that¡¯s kinda sweet right? Worth it? Debatable¡­


    I then went to my own overview. I still felt horrible and now I saw why. My health was currently at one of two. Two fucking health is all the maximum health I now had.


    Looks like you have discovered your class draw-back. 2 HP. Is it a price worth paying for all that mana? We¡¯ll find out. I feel like you got plenty of warning with the whole ¡®glass cannon¡¯ being in the title. And don¡¯t give me any heat of the moment bullshit.


    My mana, which was previously 5 of 5, was now 172 of 1000. A huge leap which explained the well of power I felt. My mana went up to 173 as I watched it slowly recharging after the Light Orb blast. I saw I still had notifications pending.


    You have an available buff. Weird. These usually just automatically activate. Looks like something must have happened and it toggled off right before I wanted you to test that Light Orb spell. Don¡¯t worry. I¡¯ll put in a help desk ticket. Would you like Magic Self Harm toggled off? Toggling off Magic Self Harm will make you and all-party members take no direct damage from your spells. This does not include any spell fallout, including but not limited to falling debris.


    ¡°Yes. Of fucking course yes,¡± I said, now able to hear the timbre in my own voice.


    Geesh. You don¡¯t have to be rude. I toggled it. At least I think I hit the right button.


    I made a mental note then that this asshole interface could actually cause me harm. There was one last notification.


    Achievement Unlocked! Your party member has slain a monster while you were mere feet from the battle, and you did nothing but watch your party member struggle.


    Reward: Noob Level Loot Box of the Coward.


    ¡°Well, that seems uncalled for,¡± I said.


    Jace waved his hands in front of me. I could read his lips as he asked if I could hear him. I couldn¡¯t. Well, he sounded like Charlie Browns parents so I guess technically I could hear him just not understand him. I shook my head.


    I pulled up my party tab again, seeing Jace no longer affected by the vision or hearing loss. Maybe I was closer, I thought. That¡¯s why I am still feeling the effects. I feel like I have barely changed for the better. I went back into Jace¡¯s overview, getting to his stats. He had 10 Perception, 5 Athletics, 10 Strength, 10 Dexterity, and 10 Constitution. Damn, that was a lot higher than my threes across the board. I switched over to my stats tab and my jaw dropped. My Perception was 3, Athletics was 1, Strength was 1, Dexterity was 1, and Constitution was 0.1.


    What the fuck. No wonder I feel like shit. I didn¡¯t even think this could go to decimals. When I mentally selected constitution, it showed a health regeneration per second rate of 0.000275%. What does that mean? 1 health point every hour?


    I did see a new stat called Charisma which was at 100.


    Charisma is no longer locked at user¡¯s current Charisma level!


    Achievement Unlocked! You have found out there are other stats that we don¡¯t show people. New stats may be unlocked based on class, race, items, gods, and many other ways.


    Reward: Learning more about Charisma. Charisma is usually for extroverts. You seem pretty introverted. Oh well, charm, magnetism, loyalty, persuasion, I think you get the gist. And for you, Charisma directly correlates to max mana and mana regeneration.


    I went to my abilities tab which had a few new things that were blanked out my interface taking the limelight.


    You have new abilities in your abilities tab!


    First is Max Depletion. The user must be at full mana to cast a spell and uses all mana when casting spells. No matter what. All of it. Spell effects are enhanced equal to the mana used.


    Glass Cannon Leveling. Most classes gain a certain amount of skill points in all stats per level. You get the same. That is except for the fact that all your points go into Charisma. You built the glass house and you¡¯re going to live in it, god-dammit.


    A loot box, like the one I had seen in my inventory, had appeared next to the Gym Rat Jace had killed, and Jace was heading over to pick it up. I tried one of the buttons I saw in my interface earlier under the party tab, which looked like a share your screen button, one going out and one button going in. Jace selected yes to my request, and I was able to see his screen, currently on his inventory. He opened the loot box, hovering over the three items. First was a prescription for testosterone, including a syringe. It looked authentic with a label and everything. It was prescribed by a Dr. Legitness, which seemed pretty unlegit.


    Next was a necklace that looked like skin shaped as a shark tooth, titled of Rare Foreskin Necklace of a Gym Rat, which led to a whole bunch of questions popping into my head. Did one of them make this? Was it their own foreskin? Someone else¡¯s? I couldn¡¯t think of any answers that satisfied, so I mentally moved on. The last item looked like a bottle of Tylenol. The description read Bottle of Mini Heals, and a big 60 count sticker was taped to the side. I waved at Jace, making the motion of popping a pill in my mouth. He handed me the bottle and I took one of the pills. I selected the water jug from my inventory, and a metal canteen appeared in my hand that I drank from swallowing the pill.


    As the pill went down my throat and into my stomach, I felt it start to move inside me. It was a feeling that is hard to describe. It was like a helpful parasite seeking out injury. I felt it go up my neck and to my ears, stitching things back together. My hearing came back almost immediately after whatever was moving inside me got there. But even after it was done, I wouldn¡¯t say I felt good. At two health I was still eight below, feeling like a normal human.


    ¡°That got my hearing back,¡± I said to Jace. ¡°Thanks, I really needed that.¡±


    ¡°What was that about foreskin?¡± Jace asked with a grimace. ¡°Did you see that?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m confused too. What does it do?¡±


    ¡°Looks like it gives you the body of a bodybuilder. Plus, one strength and athletics with a plus five for charisma.¡±


    ¡°Damn I could use that. My class dropped all my stats hard. And it looks like I can never put stat points in them.¡±


    ¡°Damn, dude that sucks. Yeah, it¡¯s all yours. I don¡¯t really want some random dude¡¯s foreskin hanging around my neck. Really, any dudes¡­¡± Jace said trailing off as the topic veered too close to recent events, longing written on his face.


    Jace handed me the necklace, a look of disgust on his face. A rightfully placed face of disgust. My interface read the description.


    Rare Foreskin necklace of a Gym Rat. User has the physical mass of an elite bodybuilder. Except the legs. You always skipped leg day. Oh, and the mass is mostly just for show. Just like real bodybuilders. The user only gains plus 1 strength and athletics. User also gains plus 5 charisma. Who doesn¡¯t like a well-built man? Am I right? No homo of course.


    I put it on and immediately felt my strength getting closer to how I normally felt. I thought my transformation was over until I suddenly became huge. Muscles ripped out of me as my range of motion plummeted. The loincloth string was now digging into my hip. I looked down to see my thick, shredded midsection, able to see large abs. For a few years, I went to the gym, and there were periods that I thought I looked pretty good. Honestly, I looked better then than what I looked like now. Especially because of the legs. They were so damn scrawny. I mentally noted that while I physically looked as though I should be able to take a lot of damage, I still indeed only had two HP.


    ¡°You look like you¡¯re ready to go on stage for Mr. Olympia, except those spindly little legs. Fuck man,¡± Jace said raising his eyebrows and shaking his head. ¡°How do you feel?¡±


    ¡°I feel like while I gained a strength and an athletics point, I¡¯ll need those points just to carry all this around. I also can¡¯t touch the center of my back anymore,¡± I replied, struggling to reach.


    ¡°But those legs, man. They just look so out of place,¡± Jace said, staring at my legs.


    ¡°I¡¯ll try it out for a little bit. The Charisma bonus is nice,¡± I said.


    ¡°So, what is your class about?¡± Jace asked me.


    ¡°All my points are in Charisma. It looks like my Charisma affects how much mana I have and my mana recovery. All my other stats are garbage. Beyond garbage. I feel like a used diaper filled with Indian food. Oh, and for every spell I cast, I have to use all my mana for that one spell. My spells are more powerful, but yeah, it uses all my mana no matter what.¡±


    ¡°So, that sounds really powerful but also really weak,¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Yeah, I only have two health. So, I¡¯ll need every gear buff we can find to get my stats to normal. I did see that I was able to use my Charisma to influence those guys. I saw like floating hearts above their heads, it seemed to make them change their minds.¡± I replied. ¡°What about your class?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s called Executive Dungeon Chef. Before I tell you what it is, is your interface a total asshole?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, pretty much,¡± I said. ¡°Sassy as hell.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, mine too. So, I guess I can give buffs to the food I prepare. I can identify monsters and creatures for their potential ingredients. I can see how different ingredients could work together to get different bonuses or just be delicious. I also have exceptional expertise in culinary equipment, which the interface loved to give me a lot of shit about, by the way, saying I was going to whip up some bad guys with my mixer. It said it¡¯s a Mythic class, but I¡¯m not seeing it. And I put on like 50 pounds. I don¡¯t feel it, but I can see less of my feet now. I do have an ability called Chef¡¯s Kiss that I can use once per 24 hours. At current level, I can imbue food with an additional special bonus of either health, defense, or attack. Those three categories. I have a bar that replaced my mana that, if during combat, I collect ingredients, it builds up, then I can go into some sort of chef mode. Made it sound a little like going berserk. Full Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen.¡±


    ¡°Sounds pretty interesting. By the way, I like the outfit,¡± I said with a snicker.


    ¡°Yeah, it says I have to keep the outfit on, or else I won¡¯t get any of the bonuses. Something about a health inspector. I don¡¯t know. It gave me a starter¡¯s chef kit box, and I got a cooking stove, a pan, some basic spices, and some other odds and ends. It did say that once we get to level three, we can put down a campfire to rest. Sounds like it¡¯s some sort of safe zone area where I may be able to do some cooking. It also said that is where the official bathrooms are,¡± Jace said, giving air quotes over his last few words, ¡°and more water are. Sounds like we need to push forward and grind until then. Shall we?¡±


    ¡°Wait. I feel like I could snap at any moment. I want to put on this race to see if it helps,¡± I said as I opened my inventory selecting Mythic Rare Race ¨C Random Complementary.


    I selected yes, and a message popped up.


    [Race assigned. User must reach level 5 for racial transformation to occur.]


    ¡°Just great. Looks like I assigned my race, but I don¡¯t even know what it is. It says I transform at level 5¡­I really don¡¯t like the sound of transforming,¡± I said to Jace.


    Counting the necklace that gave me more Charisma, which also increased my mana, my mana regeneration was currently a little over one mana per second. I tried to do some rough math in my head. I came to the conclusion I would need just a few ticks under 15 minutes before my mana was fully recharged from empty.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know about this dude. I¡¯m going to be fucking useless. I can only cast one spell like every 15 minutes. That means I¡¯m good for one cast a fight.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll take the lead. I¡¯m already 10% towards my next level off that one guy. Hopefully, we find some easy guys, can get to level 3, and get that camp thing,¡± Jace said, trying to pep me up. ¡°Did you look at the quest?¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t,¡± I replied as I pulled it up.


    [Welcome to Level 1! You are inside a dungeon where conflict could be at any corner. Survive, obtain a key, survive, and find a door that leads to Level 2.]


    [Hint: To get the key, the fat lady should scream or sing¡­whichever you prefer.]


    [Level 1 Parameters:]


    [Party ¨C available.]


    [Max party size ¨C unlimited.]


    [Loot and Environment ¨C Non-lootable environment (exception of story items), loot boxes generated on death.]


    [Map ¨C 1% visible per user level.]


    [Progress towards Campaign Completion 0 out of 30 Levels complete.]

 [ 4 ]

    We started making our way down the hall. The torches were spaced out far enough apart that there were long stretches with dim light. As we slowly moved between the dim patches, I really wished my Light Orb was normal. The walls were stone, and besides passing the fork in the road where the Gym Rats had turned down, there wasn¡¯t anything of interest.


    I pulled up my map, which was pretty useless. Everything was black except for the area right around where I was standing. Jace didn¡¯t even appear on the map unless I stood right next to him. When I did stand next to him, he showed up as a green dot. As I moved, the black came back, covering the area where we had been. I was really hoping for a map like in games where it showed everywhere you had been permanently visible.


    After a few minutes of experimenting with the map, we continued down the hall. We walked for several minutes down the stone corridor; our scenery unchanging from the basic stone. Jace saw them first halting when they came into view. There were bodies on the floor up ahead. There were three, and as we inched closer, we recognized them as the group we had talked to on our walk to the cave, minus Diego. One lay on the ground, and the other two were propped up against the stone wall. They looked like they were frozen, minus the moisture. It was more like they were suspended, as if someone had clicked the pause button on them.


    ¡°Hey, you guys, okay?¡± Jace said, taking a step towards them.


    There was no reply.


    The women had the same loincloth I had but also a strip of fabric around their chest. As we got closer, we saw three grave cross sticks, like you see on the side of the road. The lettering was in glowing blue against the sticks slate black.


    [Isabella Gonz¨¢lez]


    [Denver, Colorado]


    [Slain by enslaved orcs]


    [Sofia Gonz¨¢lez]


    [Denver, Colorado]


    [Slain by enslaved orcs]


    [Sara Gonz¨¢lez]


    [Denver, Colorado]


    [Slain by enslaved orcs]


    I didn¡¯t see Diago. I hoped he had made his luck roll and was now alive with a powerful class.


    ¡°Fuck,¡± Jace said.


    It was eerie. All three faces showed anguish. It was pretty messed up. Each had various gruesome stab wounds. I had never seen a dead person in real life, and it gave me more of an emotional reaction than I had guessed. Especially seeing that I had just met them a few hours ago.


    I had an idea and took the bottle of mini heals from my inventory. I plucked a pill and tried to shove it in Isabella¡¯s mouth, but it struck an invisible barrier. I didn¡¯t think it was going to work, but I had to try.


    Jace bowed his head.


    ¡°We are going to make this right,¡± Jace said under his breath.


    We kept cautiously continuing down the hall until we came across a wooden door. The door had a wreath on the outside, like you would have on your door for Christmas. As we got closer, multicolor Christmas lights began to blink on the wreath.


    ¡°Wait, what month is it?¡± Jace asked. ¡°It¡¯s a long ways until Christmas. Think it¡¯s a trap?¡±


    ¡°Probably, but there is only one way to find out,¡± I said, quickly turning the handle and pushing the door open, jumping back as it swung open.


    The door opened a few feet and then slowly closed shut with a creak and a click of the handle. I didn¡¯t notice anything out of the ordinary, except for general unordinary situation I was in. I now had the upper half of a bodybuilder, wearing a loincloth, while in a dungeon, as some sort of shitty wizard with charm power. Thinking about it, I realized my probably fit right in on one of those drama vampire shows my wife liked.


    ¡°I should probably go first, having more than two health and all,¡± Jace said opening the door.


    We entered into a cozy room. A fireplace roared, and there was a comfy couch with Christmas decorations covering the room from head to toe. A large Christmas tree stood in the corner, with presents of all different wrapping paper under the tree. It looked like Christmas day in a Duke¡¯s British manor, where a blonde-haired boy, that I would assume was named Charlie, would be opening every present imaginable.


    ¡°This is just weird. Why is there a room full of Christmas decor?¡± Jace said. ¡°I don¡¯t get it.¡±


    ¡°Beats me,¡± I said. Is this a fire thing like you talked about?¡± I asked, pointing to the fireplace.


    ¡°Not sure. Interface made it seem like we had to be level 3, and it called it a campfire though, so I don¡¯t think so,¡± Jace replied.


    ¡°We¡¯ve only been in this dungeon for a little bit, and this place seems pretty fucked up,¡± I said.


    We started going around the room looking behind things and nudging them with our foot. We figured out that nothing could be moved except for the Christmas presents. After a few minutes, the room seemed to be empty.


    I went over to the Christmas lights.


    ¡°These could be useful,¡± I said.


    The lights were frozen in place. They wouldn¡¯t move no matter how much strength I used. I first thought it was because of my low stats, so I called Jace over. We both heaved, but they didn¡¯t budge. My interface finally spoke.


    Weren¡¯t you paying attention? Didn¡¯t you hear the whole thing about all non-quest items being frozen? If you can¡¯t pay attention to these kinda details, you are screwed. And not in the good way.


    We both finally walked away from the Christmas lights.


    ¡°Wonder if there is any loot in the Christmas presents? Only thing that can move.¡± I asked.


    I walked over and kicked a bright green present. To my surprise it actually moved a few inches unfrozen like the other Christmas stuff. Fucking game is lying to us now, telling us that non-quest items are frozen. I lifted it up and gave it a shake. The box seemed empty, with nothing moving inside. Until something did move. Large teeth opened up on the seam in the wrapping paper, and a long tongue protruded. Large eyes popped into existence now locked on mine. I dropped the package as an exclamation passed my lips. I looked to see all of the presents under the tree coming alive.


    ¡°It¡¯s fucking Christmas present mimics!¡± I said, running towards the door.


    There were at least 20 presents using their long tongues to move their bodies towards us. One of them leapt towards me, and Jace slashed out, severing its tongue. As it fell to the ground, Jace caught the tongue midair. It disappeared from his hands, going into his inventory, while Jace gave the box a kick, sending it soaring into the fireplace. I took position behind Jace as the presents started jumping towards us. Jace quickly had ten latched to his body biting down. Jace screamed in pain.


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    Best time as any to try something new. I lifted my hand and sent out a Light Orb. The orb exploded, but this time it only seemed like someone turned up the brightness a few degrees before it went back to normal. The mimic presents dropped to the ground, now stunned and unable to see. Jace went to work, one by one slicing off their tongues, which quickly disappeared into his inventory. I started picking up the ones he had already cut and was throwing them into the fireplace. The boxes crackled in the fire, creating an acrid purple smoke. After a few moments all the mimics were burned.


    ¡°Are the tongues really the priority?¡± I asked as we rested.


    ¡°Yeah, man,¡± Jace said. ¡°There are some good things I can do with those. There are a few recipes I¡¯m already itching to try with the Gym Rat meat and now these tongues. Doing the collection during combat gives me this chef mojo stuff too. Also, I¡¯m up to 50% till next level. Halfway there.¡±


    I went to my Character Overview, looking at the experience bar. The bar did not show an experience point number, just a bar that had ¡®40%¡¯ center aligned. In video games and tabletop games, I was used to knowing exactly how many experiences points I had and how many I received from killing monsters. This place didn¡¯t seem to be that transparent.


    ¡°I¡¯m only at 40%,¡± I said. ¡°Looks like my non-participation with that Gym Rat I didn¡¯t get any experience. But, I don¡¯t get how the experience works. I don¡¯t see how much I got for doing what. Does that mean beating one Gym Rat was 10% of a level?¡±


    ¡°No idea. I can¡¯t see anything on my screens about how much I get for what. All I see is a percentage,¡± Jace replied.


    I needed a short break. My now frail body was loving every second of lying on the couch. A couch that we had thoroughly poked and prodded for a good while before we felt confident in places our defenseless derrieres.


    I knew it probably wasn¡¯t healthy that my mind was drifting to the negative, but it was hard not to in a fucked-up place and fucked up situation we were in. How the hell was I going to get my family back with just two fucking health and these weird ass classes?


    Jace had his travel cooking stove going as he diced up the tongues and Gym Rat love handles. As Jace muttered to himself about needing more ingredients, I was trying to think of good excuses on how I could avoid putting any of that in my mouth. Even with the chef outfit, I was not feeling confident about eating it. Even if it was delicious, it was still monster meat.


    I scrolled through my interface tabs, landing on my inventory and forgetting about the Noob Level Loot Box of the Coward I had received earlier. I opened it, two things popping up in my inventory, my interface talking with text scrolling before I could get a good look at what they were. One of them looked like a green box.


    Congratulations! You are a total coward. You have gained a five-pack of Depend¡¯s adult diapers. Now with MAXIMUM absorbency, absorbing 25 times its weight. What a relief it must be to know next time you are running in terror, letting your companions do all the work and a monster jumps out, and you shit yourself. Depend¡¯s has your back.


    Additional reward: One large tube of IcyHot to help with that sick burn I just gave you.


    I rolled my eyes after the message finished. This interface was a total asshole.


    ¡°IcyHot isn''t even for burns,¡± I said aloud. ¡°It''s for like muscle pain.¡±


    I''ll show you some muscle pain when I bend you over.


    Jace handed me a plate, giving me a confused look at my seemingly random spoken words. I realized that I was indeed pretty hungry once the aroma hit my senses. It smelled pretty good, and even knowing where this stuff had come from, my hunger finally overcame my disgust.


    ¡°Alright. So, I used my once-every-24-hours-ability. I have imbued the food with health. I assume this is one of the reasons we are complementary. Let¡¯s see what happens,¡± Jace said.


    I took a tentative bite. It was a bit chewy but overall, it was pretty good. But I wouldn¡¯t say great. Well, I wouldn¡¯t say it to Jace. A meal, if not hungry, I may have skipped though. After I finished, a notification popped up. I selected it, and my interface spoke.


    Would you look at that? You just ate human flesh. While it did have a rat-like head you knew the rest of it was human, right? Hannibal Lecter move out of the way, here you come. You have gained plus five temporary Health Points or HP. Temporary HP is lost before permanent HP and will expire after 24 hours.


    Hey, before I go, I have a joke for you. What did you get when you came home late for dinner? The cold shoulder.


    Get it? Get it?


    ¡°Yeah, I get it,¡± I said out loud.


    Then why aren¡¯t you laughing?


    ¡°Dude, that was a huge bonus,¡± I said excitement building. ¡°Going from two to seven health is going to be huge for me.¡±


    Things were looking up. Maybe we could do this. So far, so good. One step at a time.


    Jace packed up his cooking supplies in his inventory. As I found a corner of the room to relieve myself, I thought about how there seemed to be an unforeseen advantage to Jace¡¯s curse. I hadn¡¯t seen Jace have to pee since we got here but I didn¡¯t think he would consider it much of a silver lining. It was a bummer we couldn¡¯t add anything from the room to our inventory. Having a string of Christmas lights could help later. Hey, don¡¯t judge, it could. What if we had to swing from a ledge over a large crevasse like Indiana Jones?


    Once we were all packed up, Jace went to the door. He cracked it open just an inch taking a peek, then quickly closed it.


    ¡°There are fucking frog or toad looking guy¡¯s right outside the door,¡± Jace whispered. ¡°Like a lot of them. This place is weird as shit.¡±


    ¡°What? Frog guys?¡± I asked.


    ¡°Yeah, they are like in a row of three filling up the hall. Looks like a lot of them. Like a huge fucking army of toads,¡± Jace said.


    ¡°I¡¯m I hearing you right? Did you say an army of frog or toad people?¡±


    ¡°I did indeed. I think more like frog people. But god damn there were a lot of them,¡± Jace replied.


    ¡°Do we wait it out? They will have to find like water or something to jump into soon, right?¡± I asked.


    A few seconds passed as we strained to try and hear any movement on the other side of the door. Then there was a loud creak, and then a heavy bang, and then the ground started shaking, and the walls started closing in around us.


    No bullshit. It looked like we were about to live the trash compactor scene from Star Wars. But our situation also including the ceiling all pushing towards the door. And we were also not the main characters in a story, so we had no writers looking out for us to live.


    ¡°Oh, shit!¡± Jace exclaimed.


    Furniture started to smash along with the popping of bulbs. We only had a minute before all the contents in the room were going to shove towards us, making opening the door impossible.


    ¡°We have to take our chances. Open the door, and I¡¯ll shoot my Light Orb, and we¡¯ll make a run for it,¡± I yelled over the deafening noise of moving furniture.


    Jace opened the door wide, revealing a frog man who was now jumping multiple feet in the air in surprise his mouth agape. The frog men or maybe I should say frog people, as I really had no idea what gender they all might be. I don¡¯t even think I would know if I was shown any of their gender-specific parts, not that I wanted to see any of their parts. The frog people were wearing thin loose leather unitards that were tinted red and makeshift spears with a bright red strip of cloth at the transition from wood to stone tip. They stood around three to four feet tall and looked like humanoid frogs.


    I threw out the Light Orb, the brightness turning up for a few seconds until it faded. The hallway we were in before was now packed just as Jace had described. The hallway was three wide of frog people as far as the eye could see in either direction. There were at least 50 that we could see. I started pushing them out of our way going back the way we came down the hall. The frog men in our area were all stunned, clutching their ears, with some of the closest ones to the blast on the ground. It didn¡¯t take long until we started pushing frogs that were less affected. We were finally faced with frog people that had turned and faced towards us waiting for us to push through their line and confront us.


    Things were not looking good.


    I was useless. Utterly useless. I had already used my spell, and my mana was not even back to 1% of my max. I would have even contemplated using my fists if I didn¡¯t feel so frail. I had zero doubt my wrist would snap as my fist made contact even on their flubbery faces. Jace started swinging next to me getting one on the neck green ooze pouring down the frog¡¯s throat as fear and pain were expressed on its face.


    It was then that I felt a stab from behind looking back¨Ca spear was now plunged into my side. As the frog people were quite small, so too were their spears. Even with the limited strength of the frog people and the small size of the spear, it still pierced through my thick oblique a few inches.


    My vision went dark.

 [ 5 ]

    I came to with a liquid being poured down my throat. I looked up and saw a thick piece of wood, my hands and feet bound. I quickly realized I was hog-tied, my back swinging, feet off the ground. The liquid tasted like fruit punch, so I didn¡¯t immediately think to spit it out. I was glad I didn¡¯t, as I saw Jace behind me. We were head-to-head on different pieces of wood, both of us hog-tied. Jace had one of his hands free, feeding me the potion, holding his cleaver¡¯s knife between his teeth. The next thing I noticed was the humidity in the air. It felt like I had just left the airplane after landing in Florida.


    ¡°That was close, man,¡± Jace said. ¡°That stab took you to negative 1. I should probably keep some of those healing pills just in case. I only have a few noob healing potions. I did learn that you die-die at negative 10 health. Once below zero, you lose 1 health per minute but get extra time based on your constitution bonus. For me, it¡¯s every 20 minutes, but for you, it was every minute you lost 1 health. You were at negative eight before they walked out, leaving us alone. They put my knife over on that table and didn¡¯t account for just how lucky I was in having a cursed blade that always comes back. They could be back any minute. I don¡¯t have any game plan. I was just going to pretend I was still tied up until you were well enough for us to try and escape.¡±


    ¡°Sounds good. Thanks for the save, man,¡± I said.


    I opened my interface to see how I was doing stat-wise. There was a notification waiting that I selected my interface talking.


    Welcome back! You are one lucky SOB that you are in a party or else that would have been it. Your family¡¯s fate in the hands of the most cutthroat person on Earth.


    Achievement Unlocked! Coming back from the dead!


    Reward: You came back from the dead what more can one really ask for?


    Oh, have I told you yet about potion toxicity? Seems like something you are going to run into soon with how things are going. Users can only use one potion per so many minutes based on your constitution bonus. For you, it¡¯s quite a long time! Go you! That¡¯s why those healing pills you got are so valuable. They bend the rules and therefore potion toxicity does not apply.


    As my interface finished, two frog people entered the room, making their way towards us. They got within 10 or so feet and squatted down, their thin spindly legs making their knees sit above their heads. I took in the room, seeing it was a plain stone room, the same as the halls and Christmas room we were in earlier. The only difference was there was a makeshift pond in the corner with stacked-up rubble holding in a few feet of water, lily pads floating on top. With a little bit of raked sand around it you could very well have a nice Japanese garden.


    ¡°Yes, these two will do nicely for the feast this evening. I heard they just walked right into one of our patrols. Quite lucky with the impending celebration and all,¡± one of the frog people said to the other after inspecting us from afar.


    I was glad that I had eaten Jace''s meal earlier, knowing that was the only reason I was still alive, but now I no longer had the temporary HP. Man, I was frail. One stab and I was done.


    ¡°Everything must be perfect for the ceremony. The uniting of the red and blue clans will not unravel under my watch. For a thousand years, we have hoped for peace. Our princess looked beautiful this morning as she traveled to blue. Did she not?¡± The other frog replied a gleam in his eye.


    ¡°Yes. Most beautiful,¡± the first speaking frog said. ¡°Let¡¯s eat this muscular one first, then we¡¯ll save the juicy fat one for dessert. We should get him started so he is nice and blackened by the time we are ready for the first course,¡± he said, licking his lips.


    The two frogs headed towards me lining up to take position on either side of my wood prison.


    ¡°I have an idea,¡± I whispered to Jace. ¡°Wish me luck. Get out of here if you don¡¯t hear from me in an hour.¡±


    Jace and I locked eyes, and I could tell Jace was thinking the same thing I was. This was fucking real, and this could be the last time we see each other.


    As they started walking me out of the room, I got my brain in motion, thinking of how to execute my plan. The title of my class had Charismatic in the title. I really hoped that did what I thought it did.


    We were walking down a long stone hall. Red banners hung everywhere covering most of the stone. Even upside down, I could see the red banners had a proud-looking frog man stenciled on them. I took a deep breath and spoke to my frog prison transport.


    ¡°Hello. I think there has been quite the misunderstanding. I am actually here as a messenger,¡± I said to the frogs.


    ¡°A messenger? A messenger for who?¡± The frog guy in the rear said.


    I couldn¡¯t tell if my charisma was working or not through the jostling and swinging, unable to see if there were hearts floating above the head on the frog behind me.


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    ¡°I have a message from Blue. They have said they will not accept Red¡¯s princess. They claim she is far too ugly and,¡± I paused, trying to think of something, ¡°that they would never accept a Red bride,¡± I said, stumbling over my lie.


    A few seconds passed, and I saw no reaction from either of them. I was seeing the frog¡¯s upside down, and my expertise in reading frog facial expressions was quite low, even if I was right side up and not swinging but it didn¡¯t seem good.


    ¡°Well, I don¡¯t want to be the guy who brings the message about the messenger with a bad message. The saying goes, don¡¯t kill the messenger, right? Would that be me if I gave a message to the king about the messenger?¡± The frog from behind said.


    ¡°I like your thinking,¡± the frog in the front said. ¡°Let¡¯s make p¡¯GdiONZ-ALEegoZ do it.¡±


    ¡°Good idea,¡± the frog from behind said with a laugh.


    ¡°Hey, p¡¯GdiONZ-ALEegoZ!¡± the front frog called to a frog walking fast down the hall.


    ¡°This guy is a messenger from Blue and will only talk to the king directly. Can you inform the king the messenger will be in the throne room?¡± The front frog said.


    ¡°Of course,¡± said the frog I assumed was named p¡¯GdiONZ-ALEegoZ as he raced off down the hall.


    ¡°Phew,¡± the back frog said.


    ¡°Alright hurry up. Let¡¯s bring him to the chamber and get the hell out of here! Wanna see what p''LlaHP-AHuraB and g''NnUHa-AHtalieB are up to?¡± the front frog said.


    ¡°Oh, do I! It¡¯s breeding season¨Cyou don¡¯t have to ask me twice,¡± the back frog said.


    They started running down the hallway, my body swinging like a pendulum. I started to feel sick to my stomach, but luckily it was short-lived as I was set down, my world still spinning but slowing as I heard the two frogs flee.


    I was barely able to make out a raised, circular multi-tiered platform that looked like it had a pool at the top with a stone-like throne. I could smell the thick humidity in the room, which had upgraded from Florida to a tropical zoo enclosure.


    Also, I¡¯m not sure if you have ever been hog-tied or not, but it¡¯s uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. My wrists were starting to ache along with my neck trying to keep it upright.


    ¡°What news, ribbit, do you bring, human messenger, ribbit?¡± a commanding frog voice said, his speech interrupted by the classic frog noise, almost like hiccups.


    ¡°My excellency,¡± I said, ¡°it is an honor to be in your presence. I believe there has been a great misunderstanding. I am but a messenger bringing news.¡±


    ¡°I just heard, ribbit, reports that you attacked and tried to flee. Ribbit. How were we supposed to know you were a, ribbit, messenger? But by the lily, I don¡¯t care. What news, ribbit, do you bring?¡± The frog king replied.


    ¡°My king, I would first like to petition that I no longer want to work for Blue. I would like to lend my insight to you and inform you on Blue¡¯s stronghold so you may better vanquish them.¡±


    ¡°Ribbit. Get on with it!¡± the frog king bellowed.


    ¡°Blue has stated they will not accept Red¡¯s princess. They stated she is far too ugly, and the king refuses to take a Red bride,¡± I said as confidently as I could muster.


    The frog p¡¯GdiONZ-ALEegoZ had come over as I spoke and started to untie me. I got to my feet glad to see the world in the direction it was meant to be seen. Raci was standing guard next to me, a spear in his hands at the ready. The frog king did look pretty regal but also a little silly. He had on a billowing cloak and held a golden-tipped spear with the same bright red cloth. He had a reed-looking crown on his head, which included multiple cat tails protruding upwards. He had many stray grey hairs jetting out from his chin, signaling his old age.


    ¡°Ribbit. Leave us!¡± the Frog King bellowed again.


    P¡¯GdiONZ-ALEegoZ glanced wearily between me and the King but eventually did as he was told. Just as P¡¯GdiONZ-ALEegoZ left, closing a large wooden door behind him, the Frog King¡¯s composure melted as he started to cry. He was sitting on his throne with his knees up high, water racing down his face and dropping into the pool. His cries were mixed with blubbering that I couldn¡¯t understand, with lots of ribbits mixed in.


    ¡°This was my last chance,¡± The Frog King cried out between sobs, finally able to understand him. ¡°I should have known they would never accept her,¡± he said again between sobs.


    I didn¡¯t know what to do. Should I console him? How do you console a frog person? Lucky for me, I was able to just stand here as he finally regained his composure.


    ¡°I have, ribbit, the ribbits you see. Reverting back to an unevolved state. I don¡¯t have long before I will be all but, ribbit, a basic amphibian. This was my last chance to unite our two houses before they found out just how weak I was.¡±


    The Frog King began to sob again.


    I had a pretty ruthless idea and was at a loss for anything else that I could do. They were going to eat me a few moments ago, right?


    ¡°My king. May I make a suggestion? Blue is weak today. They have let down their guard and are still going through with their great feast. I say you muster your forces. Attack while you have the chance. Go out as a true warrior king,¡± I said with as much gusto as I could muster.


    My interface started talking unprompted.


    Lucky for you, Charisma is not solely based on the words that come out of your mouth, or you would be dead and turned into frog shit by now. But dear God man, some of your charm ability is in your words. Figure your shit out.


    A few moments passed then I started to see it. The same somewhat opaque cartoonish-looking hearts were floating over his head, popping as they traveled up a few feet. The hearts didn¡¯t seem as solid as with the Gym Rats, but they were still pretty visible.


    ¡°You¡¯re right. We shall fight. I will be remembered. We shall conquer Blue this day!¡± He bellowed.


    The Frog King started to ring a bell hanging from a pole in his pool. I heard the sound of marching as P¡¯GdiONZ-ALEegoZ went over to open the large wooden door. Moments later Frog men started marching in. I was quickly smashed into the back corner as the entire room filled up with frog men, all with spears in their hands. They looked like a pretty formidable militia, uniformly lined up besides the frog who was assigned to my corner¨Che gave me a dirty look. I couldn¡¯t get to the door easily, so I waited.


    ¡°Today Blue has disgraced us by not accepting our, ribbit, princess,¡± the Frog King bellowed.


    ¡°No surprise there she was a total toad,¡± one of the frogs whispered in front of me.


    ¡°I¡¯d do her,¡± another one replied.


    These frog men were kind of disgusting. Maybe it was the whole breeding season thing.


    ¡°Today we fight! We fight for our princess! Fight for your king! Fight for Red!¡± The Frog King cried out surprisingly void of any ribbits.


    The frog men bellowed a throaty croak, and they charged out of the room, Remi and the king following.

 [ 6 ]

    I was now standing in the throne room by myself, the sound of the Red Frog Army rumbling from beyond the walls.


    ¡°Well, that was easy,¡± I shrugged.


    I started to walk to the door that I was dragged in from earlier when I stopped seeing a large gold chest behind the raised throne pool platform catching my eye. I bet Jace¡¯s okay for another minute. Could have something that keeps us alive. I walked over to the chest and opened it. Gold light shone out, and as I stared at the chest, the light now dimming, Jace burst through the door. His cleaver was drawn, his eyes looking around the room wildly, ready for combat.


    ¡°You have to be fucking kidding me!¡± Jace said as he spotted me near the chest, his tense posture relaxing. ¡°I risk my neck coming back to save you and you are just looting shit!¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Hey! You came back for me!¡± I spoke.


    ¡°Something¡¯s got them all in a tizzy. This place is all but empty.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I might have started back up a feud. Let me check this chest and then let¡¯s get the hell out of here.¡±


    From the chest, a floating loot box with a gold outline hovered up. I took it quickly, adding it to my inventory. As I took the loot box, it passed through another loot box floating in the same space.


    ¡°This one must be yours,¡± I said, my hand going right through it.


    Jace came over, grabbing the loot box, adding it to his inventory.


    ¡°Let¡¯s go!¡± I said, turning to the door. ¡°You lead the way. I didn¡¯t see how we got in here.¡±


    ¡°This way!¡± Jace said gesturing.


    We zig-zagged through stone hallway after stone hallway, all full of red banners. I was slow, barely at a jogging pace. Jace ran ahead to the end of the halls where they branched, scoping them out and waited for me. He was showing no signs of fatigue. The lucky bastard.


    ¡°How many frog guys are there?¡± I asked through panting breath. ¡°Also, I¡¯m not going to be able to run much longer.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know how I know this, but those guys that were marching by earlier were the commanders of the different battalions. They are of a slightly different breed. Little gamier and stodgier. Sensitivity to cold.¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Stodgier? Alright, Paul Hollywood,¡± I said.


    I don¡¯t even know what stodgy means if I am being honest. I just remember someone saying that on one of those baking shows my wife always watched.


    We finally made it to a massive wooden double door. Just before Jace went to push it open, there came a loud knock followed by a loud trumpet-like sound.


    ¡°Hello! Is anyone there?¡± said muffled voice from behind the door. ¡°We come bearing the royal Blue princess with her dowry.¡±


    ¡°Shit what do we do?¡± Jace asked quietly. ¡°I don¡¯t know another way out of here.¡±


    ¡°Are we at the right place?¡± said another muffled voice behind the door.


    I stood before the door confidently. ¡°Open it,¡± I said to Jace with a wink.


    Jace looked weary.


    ¡°When have I ever led you astray?¡± I said.


    ¡°Many. Many, many times,¡± he replied with a smile, heading to the door.


    Jace pushed the door open with his shoulder, revealing a procession of six finely dressed frogs in blue. In the middle was what I assumed was a princess veiled in red fabric, beside her another finely dressed frog.


    ¡°I apologize for the delay,¡± I said. ¡°Much to prepare with today¡¯s ceremony. Please do head in,¡± I gave a small bow to the group of frogs, ¡°please leave her dowry here, and we will come and collect it.¡±


    ¡°Red must truly be desperate, having stooped to having human slaves,¡± The frog next to the princess said.


    ¡°Quiet c''SdaMIleTH, we are here in good-will,¡± said one of the frogs in the precession.


    ¡°We are here to trade princesses and then get back home. It¡¯s breeding season, you know,¡± the frog next to the princess said, licking his lips.


    Then an errant thought crossed my mind. Horny toads. A laugh escaped my lips gaining me a glare from the horny frog.


    Jace and I moved out of the way as the procession entered. Once they passed us, we went out the doors¨CJace closed them behind us. I quickly went over to the dowry, which was a small wooden chest.


    ¡°Really? Now you are even stealing the dowry?¡± Jace said, rolling his eyes.


    I opened it and was again bathed in light, this time reddish-pink light. Another loot box floated up, this one with red borders a heart affixed to the center. There was only one, and I took it, adding it to my inventory.


    ¡°Which way should we go?¡± Jace said looking down each direction of the hallway.


    ¡°Beats me,¡± I replied.


    ¡°Let¡¯s go this way,¡± Jace said pointing to go left, ¡°the air doesn''t smell so foul down here.¡±


    We started walking down the hallway and halted when we started to hear noise. I could hear distant screams sounding like war a mix of pain and death and the clanging of weapons.


    ¡°Take that, ribbit, you overgrown transformed fish,¡± I heard the Frog King say unmistakable with the additional frog croaks caused by his disease.


    New Gauge Unlocked! Genocide Counter


    Genocide Counter: 1


    Genocide Counter: 2


    Genocide Counter: 3


    Genocide Counter: 4¡­5 6 7 8¡­9¡­10!


    Genocide Counter bonus points received! You have received bonuses to your Genocide Counter for killing someone who had a family. Keep causing more widows and orphans for additional bonus points.


    Fractional experience gained per Genocide Counter point. Hold tight your genocide count is still going up! We are up to 64¡­no way¡­65!


    ¡°I think we should turn around and go the other way,¡± I said to Jace.


    ¡°Agreed,¡± Jace replied.


    Genocide count is still going up! You are up to 73 dead, their blood on your hands.


    We made our way back to where we had left the frog area. The door was now wide open and there was multiple red and blue frogs dead on the ground. One of them I recognized as p¡¯GdiONZ-ALEegoZ.


    ¡°These guys can be some pretty good ingredients,¡± Jace said. ¡°Certain recipes can even be counteragents for some deadly poisons and infections.¡±


    We approached slowly. I was worried that whatever team had won this fight was still around. I wasn¡¯t sure who I wanted to face first the ones that I had tricked or the ones that seemed to have a hatred for humans.


    Jace started slicing and dicing the dead frog people. It was gruesome business and blue blood was squirting everywhere. I was surprised Jace had this level of mutilation in him. Jace was one of those guys that would save an injured bunny on the side of the road, while also having chicken for dinner. A few degrees of separation and he was fine, but first person not so much. I didn¡¯t offer to help and rationalized it by keeping a lookout.


    Jace was about halfway through his field dressing of the frogs when we heard a noise from inside the frog area. We looked at each other.


    ¡°Let¡¯s get the fuck out of here while we have the chance,¡± I said.


    We started running down the hallway, the opposite direction this time, until I couldn¡¯t run any further, transitioning into a walk. At about the time it took for me to recount my tale of tricking the frog king to Jace, our walk had led us to an alcove.


    ¡°You¡¯re telling me you walked in there with two health and told them they should start up a blood feud again? And got the loot and walked out without a scratch on you? Maybe this Charisma thing is not that bad after all,¡± Jace said in reply to my story.


    We both sat down in the alcove, leaning against the stone wall opposite each other, putting us in a position to see down the hallway in either direction. I saw I had pending notifications. I pulled up my interface, seeing two notifications, clicking them.


    The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    Achievement Unlocked! Aren¡¯t you just a sadistic, heartless bastard? You have started a blood feud. And for what? Because you were too scared to fight them yourself? Actions speak louder than words, ya know.


    Reward: Not-Bad Level Loot Box of the Coward


    I clicked on my other notification. The same snarky asshole voice started to talk but it was now completely panned to the right.


    You are now level 2!


    I snapped my fingers on both sides of my head trying to test if I had gone deaf again or not. Lucky for me, I could still hear. But maybe unlucky for me as my asshole interface started talking again now only in my right ear.


    New AI assistant unlocked. Don¡¯t worry, I¡¯ll still be around. She is a total bore, especially compared to me.


    New ability unlocked Wealth of Power.


    I pulled up my interface and watched as my now empty experience bar started to fill. My experience bar had started on empty, having just reset after gaining level 2. That meant these increases were bringing me closer to level 3. My eyes went wide as I watched my experience bar being bumped up in increments of around 10%, heading towards level 3. I still couldn¡¯t see my exact experience number, but that whole frog thing was lucrative. Maybe this class is actually good?


    ¡°I got a level!¡± Jace exclaimed. ¡°I am now level 2. I got shared party experience for making it possible for you to,¡± Jace said, pausing, ¡°this next part is the games words not mine. Commit genocide.¡± Jace said.


    I pulled up my interface, seeing what had changed with my increased level. My charisma was up to 135, an increase of 30 points. My mana was increased to a max of 1550 from 1000. Everything else looked pretty much the same. My health was still at 2, which was quite depressing. I scrolled through all the tabs and landed on my abilities tab. Next to Max Depletion was something new, currently just three question marks, my interface speaking.


    Wealth of Power. The user gains increased mana based on the user¡¯s magic-based stat. For you, it¡¯s Charisma. Yey! More mana for you.


    Fuck. More mana? God dammit. How about some more god damn health. Did it say something about a new AI assistant? Does that mean this asshole considered himself an assistant? I¡¯m not sure how I knew to try it. It was probably those nanobots mucking around in my head, but I spoke in my own mind towards a presence that I could now visualize in my head. I felt the presence as a ball of pulsating, shining blue light.


    Hello, I thought.


    <Hello>


    The voice was very robotic. It was at a level of roboticism that was almost too hard to understand and was fully panned to the left.


    Jesus, I wish there was a different voice selection, I thought.


    A window appeared in front of me with two columns. The right column had the title Narrator, the left had Guide. Under Narrator, there were just two selections: Sarcastic and Standard. The sarcastic option was selected and in small print I read that by some sort of mental detection, it discerned I would prefer a sarcastic option, I¡¯m not so sure if it was right or not. On the right column under Guide, there were a range of options, including a variety of different languages. I was careful not to even hover over any of the languages, being fearful I would be listening to important information in Chinese, never knowing what it was saying.


    There were multiple English options available, including male or female with variations in parenthesis like American-Southern, New York, Scottish, Welsh, South African, and many others. There was one that caught my eye where small text saying the same thing about how it discerned, I would prefer it. It was under English (Female - Kiwi). I¡¯m not sure why I trusted the game, but I clicked Kiwi.


    Uh, hello, I thought again.


    This time, the voice that spoke was female and had a Kiwi accent.


    <Hello.>


    Uh, how are you different from the other guy that¡¯s been talking? I thought.


    <At level two, users unlock the user guide AI assistant. Questions may be asked to the Guide and answers may be received. The Narrator may provide achievement information, item information, level information, unsolicited information, etc.>


    Yeah, that didn¡¯t make things much clearer. I also regretted the voice selection almost immediately. It was way too sexy. It came to me then remembering an article I had read on how the Kiwi accent was one of the top accent¡¯s men find attractive. Kiwi was New Zealand, right? I really should have just picked normal American English. What the fuck was I thinking.


    So, if I was understanding this correctly, the asshole voice would talk to me whenever it wanted about whatever it wanted to, and this Kiwi chick AI assistant would answer direct questions? She at least seemed no nonsense which was refreshing comparatively. Just when I was confused enough, I¡¯m thrown something else.


    I''ll call you Kiwi my good cop and I''m still calling the other guy asshole or bad cop, I thought towards Kiwi.


    <Name assignments logged>


    Now to test her out. What things was I burning to learn more about? Hmm¡­


    Do I really have nanobots in my head? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <Yes.>


    Why? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <Nanobots are used to connect the user to Astroid Juice and also supply the user with an interface and AI assistance.>


    Why do some graves have bodies and others don''t? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <Dependent on user death.>


    How do we get to the next level? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <User must acquire and use key to enter Level 2.>


    Maybe Kiwi wasn''t the good cop after all. More like boring, information withholding cop. Then there was the bad asshole, sometimes perverted cop.


    What do I get for leveling? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <Users gain stat increases dependent on race, class, or other factors. Users gain additional abilities based on race, class, or other factors. At level 5 user may assign a race. Every 5 levels starting at level 10 user may select an additional racial bonus. Every 10 levels starting at level 8 user may select a party bonus. Every 6 levels starting at level 12 user may select a specialty for assigned class.>


    Yeah, that was confusing. At least it seemed like I was getting some selection choices if I survived long enough. I was tired of having things forced down my throat.


    Why did this game need people to become NPCs? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <Volunteer users fuel decision making and creativity for the campaign.>


    Interesting.


    Which direction should I go to get closer to the key? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <I''m sorry. I am not at liberty to say.>


    Not at liberty? These national secrets or something?


    What is in level 2? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <I''m sorry. I am not at liberty to say.>


    I tried asking Kiwi some other questions on how to beat the game, but she gave me the same bull about not being at liberty.


    If I survive, what level will I see my family? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <Campaign Level 12.>


    ¡°Jace! My new AI just said something about Campaign Level 12. Our families are waiting for us in Level 12.¡±


    Jace¡¯s eyes went wide a smile on his face. ¡°Fuck yeah!¡± he exclaimed. His face then softened, and a few moments passed. ¡°Now we just gotta get to Level 2.¡±


    Silence hung in the air as we both realized just how daunting what lied ahead of us was.


    ¡°What did you get for level 2?¡± I asked Jace trying to shift our focus.


    ¡°I got about 18 stat points. My Perception went up by 5 to 15, Athletics up from 5 to 6, Strength 10 to 12, Dexterity 10 to 15, and Constitution 10 to 15. I got a new ability that gives me a big boost to how fast I get my Chef Mojo which I still haven¡¯t used. I have a few points now built up. Looks like the bar goes forever. Each point gives me about 30 seconds that I can be in this mode. It really does seem like a berserk mode. There also seems to be a way to extend the mode as I get more ingredients during battle. I¡¯m honestly pretty confused about it. I also got an AI assistant. I¡¯ve been asking it some questions and it¡¯s giving some info but it¡¯s pretty light. What about you?¡±


    ¡°I got an AI assistant too. Same here on the light info. I got a bunch more Charisma for my level and a new ability. Long story short, my mana is way up. Which I think is actually a bad thing. While I will presumably do more with my spell, it will take even longer before I am back in the battle. If my rough math is correct, after my level, it¡¯s up to 20 minutes between castings.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s not great. Anything else you can do?¡± Jace asked.


    ¡°Nope. I¡¯m too weak to do anything physical. I guess if we found a crossbow or something and you loaded it for me, I could at least get a shot off.¡± I laughed with pity in my voice. ¡°Sorry, man. Hopefully things turn around for me as I level, and we get some gear. I also need a spell that does some damage.¡±


    ¡°Let¡¯s open these loot boxes,¡± Jace said. ¡°Hopefully that will give us something good.¡±


    I looked in my inventory and saw I had one Excellent Class Specific Loot Box from the chest in the frog throne room and a Love Loot Box from the dowry box. I was ignoring the coward one for now. I first opened the Excellent Class Specific Loot Box. Items appeared in my inventory.


    [Ring of Additional Spell Damage]


    [Excellent Mana Potion x5]


    I mentally selected the ring.


    Look at you go! Getting items to amplify your class. Any damage dealing spell cast deals an extra 25% more damage while user has this ring equipped. The problem with this ring is¡­you don¡¯t have any damage dealing spells!


    Asshole.


    I then opened the Love Loot Box.


    [Uncommon Shackles of Forced Love.]


    Whoever puts these shackles on another creature who is not hostile will instantly fall madly in love with them. That is until they are removed, and they will probably be pretty pissed that you gave them the magical equivalent of a date rape drug. I¡¯m sorry to tell you I don¡¯t have any wrists so you can¡¯t take me home and have your way with me. Much to both of our dismays. No homo.


    The shackles looked like pink fuzzy handcuffs, but I was too weirded out to take them from my inventory and look at them. I took out the ring and put it on my finger. I opened my interface to confirm it did something. True to its word under my Character Overview tab I saw the 25% increase shown. But, just like the interface said I didn¡¯t have any spells that did actual damage.


    ¡°What did you get?¡± I asked Jace.


    ¡°I got this sweet magnifying glass of identifying.¡± Jace said a magnifying glass in his hand. ¡°It gives me stats and info on stuff. I did it on the stone and it gave me some general info, something called a notable notable, and a fun fact. I also got a few more healing potions.¡±


    I then told Jace about the items I received.


    ¡°I¡¯m really excited about these mana potions. Hopefully that will mean I can get off at least another spell if we are in a bind. The mana potions don¡¯t say how much they will give me, but they are excellent ranked so I hope that means a good amount.¡± I said.


    Things started appearing in Jace¡¯s hand one after the other as he used his magnifying glass. I had one more loot box of the coward to open. I went to open it, but Jace gave me a look. Jace stopped for longer as he held a lump of green covered in blue blood. I knew it was something from the recent frog body slicing.


    ¡°I probably shouldn¡¯t tell you this but¡­¡± Jace said trailing off. ¡°The magnifying glass told me something. I think these frogs were real people once. Their names are just the first names and last names mixed together. The first name lowercase the last name uppercase jumbled together. Like this one here,¡± He held up the blob, is S-d-a-M-I-l-e-T-H or Dale Smith.


    Before I even had time to process this revelation that I may have just killed real people, a door creaked making us both pause. It was down the hallway that Jace had a view of.


    ¡°A door just opened,¡± Jace said whispering. ¡°What the hell. A few pigeons walked out. They look pretty meaty.¡±


    Jace peeked over the corner using the identifying glass and pointed it down the hall.


    ¡°Are they just normal pigeons that got in?¡± I whispered.


    ¡°Nope. Their fucking alpha dire pigeons,¡± Jace said, whispering back while holding up his magnifying glass. ¡°I got some info. They are created by an alpha pigeon mating while eating another alpha pigeon while the mating is being watched by another alpha pigeon. That was the fun fact, by the way. I was excited about this thing, and now I am not so sure.¡±


    ¡°Wow. Yeah. I really didn''t need that image. So created by cannibalism and voyeurism?¡± I asked.


    ¡°Yeah, it says that due to the nature that it was born in, it has an eternal hatred for anything that looks at it,¡± Jace said as he took another peek down the hall towards them.


    A loud squawk followed.


    ¡°Fuck!¡± Jace exclaimed.

 [ 7 ]

    We stood up and I took a look around the corner. At least ten pigeons were waddling towards us from down the hall. They looked mad. I don¡¯t know how I could tell, but they were mad. We started running down the hall the opposite way. After a minute, they were still right on our tail and I was starting to slow down, having pushed my body to its physical limit. One jumped up, flapping its wings and pecked me on the back of the head. I went down to the stone ground. I had taken a point of damage from the peck, bringing me down to 1 HP. I could feel blood pouring down my neck. Jace turned, slicing the pigeon¡¯s neck midair, taking it in his hand, quickly filleting it absentmindedly into two breasts, discarding the carcass with a toss. He did it blazingly quick. Jace would beat all the time trials on those cooking shows my wife loved to watch.


    A few other pigeons flew overhead liquid pigeon poop splashing to the ground narrowly missing us, sizzling on the ground as smoke rose where the poop projectiles hit stone. Other pigeons were catching up now as I got back to my feet. Jace took the rear, punching another pigeon out of the air going for a peck. I opened my inventory and selected the bottle of health pills and threw one in my mouth. I put the bottle back, heading towards an upcoming 90-degree turn, a single wooden door to our right. As we turned down the hall, I was startled to see a band of four people. Four real people.


    ¡°Duck!¡± said a kid, his hands outstretched, electricity building between his fingertips.


    We did as we were told and ducked as he thrust out his hands. Electricity crackled as a lightning bolt leaped through the air, zapping the pigeons, jumping from one to the next until they were all dead. All that remained was a collection of heavily roasted pigeons smoke rising from their bodies.


    We watched the bird corpses sizzle and pop.


    ¡°I should make fried chicken,¡± Jace said.


    I turned to look at the group. The lightning-wielding kid looked like he dressed up as Gandalf for Halloween. He was wearing cream-colored robes, a pointy wizard hat, cloak, and tall above the ankle boots. The three other guys behind him were wearing the same loin cloth as I was. They looked like they should be posing for a diversity campaign for a nerd-meets-caveman niche. The one dressed in the matching cream wizard outfit was a white guy. One of the kids was of African descent, another Asian, and there was another white guy.


    ¡°We owe you guys our lives,¡± Jace said. ¡°They were gaining on us.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t mention it,¡± said the cream-robed wizard kid. ¡°You guys are the first living people we have seen, so we are glad to see other people that are alive down here. I¡¯m Derk.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m Kevin,¡± said one of the kids, the Asian. Kevin was the only one that had a weapon. He had a knife in his hand that glowed green.


    ¡°I¡¯m Jayden,¡± said the kid of African descent.


    ¡°I¡¯m Chad. Burp,¡± said the last, the other white guy, finishing it with a burp. He was swaying slightly.


    To my shock, a beer appeared in his hand. He punched a hole in the side with a piece of metal and popped open the top, shotgunning it. It looked like a Natty Ice can. After he was finished, Chad crushed the can in his hand and tossed it to the ground.


    ¡°He got some power-up beer,¡± Derk said, seeing our facial expressions. ¡°It has a huge side effect that once he gets sober, he will get hit with a lot of negatives. He has been mostly intoxicated down here, but it gives him a big health boost. He¡¯s been our tank.¡±


    ¡°Well, it¡¯s not the weirdest tank class I ever heard of¡­¡± Jace said.


    I noticed there were two bodies on the ground. One looked like a guy in his thirties and the other in his sixties. Their bodies were frozen like the bodies we had seen before. Both were wearing matching pants and shirts. White linen like you would see someone on the beach wearing. I would be jealous that they had clothes if not for my muscled physique. Their clothes were cemented in place gravity and wind no longer having power over them. The gravestones read:


    [Sam Johnson]


    [Denver, Colorado]


    [Slain by enslaved orcs]


    [Hank Johnson]


    [Denver, Colorado]


    [Slain by enslaved orcs]


    Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    ¡°These enslaved orcs must be pretty tough. We have seen a few others slain by them,¡± I said.


    ¡°Us too. We just came across these two when we bumped into you guys,¡± the wizard Derk said.


    ¡°Where you guys from?¡± Jace asked.


    ¡°We go to DU. We were the ones from our group with no local family. Once everything was cut off, we made our way into the dungeon and have made our way here. You guys?¡±


    ¡°We are from the Denver area. We are sure glad to see some other real people down here,¡± Jace said.


    The looks on their faces suggested that these college kids had seen some real fucked up shit down here so far. I noticed Kevin was holding his side. He was bleeding.


    ¡°You okay, man?¡± I said to Kevin.


    ¡°I got impaled by a vine earlier,¡± he said. ¡°We ran out of health potions.¡±


    ¡°Here,¡± Jace said handing him over one of his health potions. ¡°Take one of ours.¡±


    ¡°Thanks, man. I appreciate it,¡± Kevin said as he popped the stopper and chugged.


    Within moments, he stood up straighter, no longer holding his side.


    ¡°The doors have started to open. More and more monsters are roaming around. Everything those doors locked inside are coming out. We have had some pretty rough encounters recently,¡± Derk said.


    ¡°Yeah, we were just kidnapped by a gang of frogs and barely escaped,¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Frogs?¡± Kevin said. ¡°I hate frogs.¡±


    ¡°That is a pretty sweet spell you have with the electricity. How did you get that?¡± I asked Derk.


    ¡°I got a class from a gold loot box. We found this weird leprechaun guy that I ended up capturing, so I got the loot box. Got me the wizard class. It slaps. Came with a tome and I found another one. First one was chain electricity. It¡¯s been pretty useful. Good with large groups,¡± he said. ¡°I just got enough mana from my last level I can do it twice in a row now.¡±


    ¡°How much mana does it cost?¡± I asked, wondering just how different I was.


    ¡°With the wizard class, I get more mana. I have 126 mana, and the electricity blast costs 58 per cast. I got another spell from a library room we found earlier too,¡± he said.


    ¡°Hey, you guys are pretty cool. Would you want to, maybe, party up?¡± Derk asked.


    I looked at Jace, and I could see the look of relief on his face. I didn¡¯t have to ask. I felt the same way.


    ¡°Yeah, Derk, we would. It would be nice to have some friends out here.¡± I replied.


    ¡°Same, man,¡± Chad said. And then he belched one seriously impressive belch, and we laughed, all of us. It was the first good laugh I¡¯d had since leaving my family at the doors of this nightmare.


    Jace clapped and rubbed his hands with pleasure. ¡°Such occasions are normally inaugurated with a feast, yes? Something hearty, that pairs well with a good, cheap bear. So how does Alpha Dire Pigeon sound to you boys¨C¡± he said being cut off.


    The door next to us creaked, then exploded out. I shielded my face from the splinters. When I looked up, I saw what looked like a minotaur but with a wide set of pointy antlers charging towards the four kids. Before I could react, the minotaur scooped up the four kids in his antlers and pinned them to the wall. Derk was skewered right through the neck, his body limp. The other three looked pretty hurt, having just been impaled and slammed into the wall. The minotaur backed up, and Kevin, Jayden, and Chad fell from the antlers, getting to their feet. A bow materialized in Jayden¡¯s hand, and he lifted it up to take a shot, but the minotaur slashed out a clawed hand. The bow was now snapped in two, and Jayden had large wounds across his chest and face.


    Jace took out his cleaver, moving forward to strike the minotaur now between us and the college kids. Jace jumped towards the ground under the minotaur, trying to get under the creature. I presumed he was trying to go for a genital attack, or else what he was doing would make no sense. Jace was taken by surprise when a minotaur hoof kicked back, hitting him in the chest, sending him flying behind me and slamming him into a wall. By the time I looked back at the creature, having been focused on moving out of the way of Jace¡¯s flying body, Kevin was being dropped from the minotaur¡¯s grip, having had his neck snapped. Only Jayden and Chad remained alive, and Jayden was severely injured. Chad had a short sword and stabbed out, getting multiple strikes on the minotaur as it was focused on Jayden. The minotaur looked injured blood dripping from multiple areas.


    I had to do something, and I had only one thing I could do. I sent out my orb, and it exploded, the brightness being turned up for a brief moment, even brighter than before. Jayden, Chad, and the minotaur dropped to the ground, holding their ears. I started forward, hoping to pull them out and away from the beast¨Cwhatever I could do with my scrawny body. But as I approached, after only like two freakin¡¯ seconds, the minotaur shook his head and stood. He looked completely unfazed. Unlike Chad and Jayden.


    Before I could even think of what to do next, the minotaur slashed out at Jayden and Chad, dropping them both to the ground. Sprays of blood dripped down the stone wall. The minotaur turned towards me and started heading closer. Blood dripped from numerous wounds as the creature limped in my direction. He looked like he was on his last few HP, but so was I. I was always on my last few HP. I glanced behind me, seeing Jace still slumped against the stone wall, looking unconscious. The minotaur was now within striking distance, and I was at a loss of what to do other than to turn and run.


    A blue, crackling light shot out, causing the minotaur to suddenly tense and convulse in pain, a thin smoke rising from his singed fur. I looked over to see Derk, electricity pouring forth from his hand. Then the spell stopped. For a moment, Derk still held aloft one pale, shaking hand. He coughed once, a wet and bloody cough, before his body went limp and he fell. The minotaur collapsed right on top of me, sending me to the ground, my head clunking against the stone and pinning me down. My vision went dark.

 [ 8 ]

    I came to with Jace, yet again, above me, pouring a healing potion down my throat.


    ¡°Jesus, that guy was heavy,¡± Jace said. ¡°Looks like they don¡¯t freeze until they stop touching us for a few seconds lucky for you.¡±


    The minotaur was frozen beside me on the ground, with a loot box next to him. I pulled up my blinking notification.


    You should sign up for a frequent dying card. At this point, you would have enough miles to get you to the Underworld and back.


    I looked over and saw the four college kids¡¯ dead, frozen bodies, each with a loot box next to them with their picture in the center of each side of the loot box.


    ¡°Check on the kids!¡± I shouted.


    ¡°It¡¯s too late. I already tried. They have all froze already,¡± Jace said solemnly. ¡°Gone pass negative 10.¡±


    ¡°I did this. What I did with my orb killed them. I made it worse. The minotaur recovered so fast. I didn¡¯t even think that he would recover that fast,¡± I said, on the edge of losing my shit.


    ¡°Let¡¯s get out of this hallway. We are probably pushing our luck already.¡± Jace said.


    I was frozen for a few moments as Jace picked up their loot boxes. As I watched, their bodies disappeared replaced by gravestones like we had seen before.


    [Kevin Chen]


    [Denver, Colorado]


    [Slain by Minitdeer]


    [Derk Miller]


    [Denver, Colorado]


    [Slain by Minitdeer]


    [Jayden Jones]


    [Denver, Colorado]


    [Slain by Minitdeer]


    [Chad Johnson]


    [Denver, Colorado]


    [Slain by Minitdeer]


    ¡°I wonder why their bodies disappeared unlike the other bodies we have seen? Look, their gravestones are fading now too. Something to think about later,¡± Jace said. ¡°I know it¡¯s probably too soon, but Derk¡¯s loot box had his wizard outfit. It¡¯s a complete set. Looks like you get extra bonuses for a complete set,¡± Jace said, handing me a stack of perfectly folded clothes from his inventory topped with boots and a wizard hat. I grabbed them reflexively looking at my inventory.


    Full Heroic Ranked Wizard Outfit of Mythrandemrightoverdir set. Each piece of the set adds increased spell damage. The full set doubles all spell damage and includes an automated mask to prevent infections. Additionally, the creator of this outfit was beating himself up for making it cream colored, getting monster stain after monster stain, so he made an additional complete set bonus of self-cleaning. Self-cleaning gives additional protection against contagions, poison, herpes, etc. Knowing you, that herpes one will be a big plus you naughty boy.


    Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.


    It felt weird looking down, wearing the same outfit he was wearing in his frozen state. An outfit he was wearing alive only moments ago, now dead partly because of me.


    ¡°We gotta go, man,¡± Jace said, shaking my shoulders.


    I nodded as I followed him down the hall.


    I¡¯m not going to lie; I felt a little shell-shocked or numb. Seeing those college kids get killed, my mind was racing on just how much I was to blame. Not sure if you have ever been involved with killing someone accidentally or not, but if not, it doesn¡¯t feel good.


    I don¡¯t really remember the next few minutes as I blindly followed Jace as he decided the path for us. I was finally taken out of my own head when Jace slowed down near a 90-degree turn, peaking around it.


    ¡°God this place is weird. There is something down this hall. They look like little onion men,¡± Jace whispered. ¡°Those guys were right, there is a door open in the hall they must have come out of. They are playing soccer or something. Just kicking a ball around.¡±


    I could hear the noise now as I focused sounding like something being hit back and forth with the small sound of tinkling laughter. I went over to take a look. There were six or so little two-feet-tall onion men with green, emerald swords tucked into their rope belts. Belts that were not too different from the rope I had around myself holding my loincloth. Yeah, I still had the loincloth on. It felt weird going commando. Do you think Gandalf went commando? The tops of their heads were like elongated onions. An oval onion with peeling layers. They looked pretty cute and innocent even with the swords until I saw that one was wearing a white t-shirt with black letters that said, ¡®Don''t bully me I''ll cum¡¯.


    ¡°What do we do? Fight them?¡± I whispered.


    ¡°They¡¯d make good eats,¡± Jace said. ¡°But look how cute they are. I don¡¯t know if I could stomach it.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, let¡¯s turn back,¡± I said. ¡°We¡¯ll find another way.¡±


    We started to turn back then we stopped.


    A guttural growl came from the hall we had come down. The growl rattled me to my bones. A deep bass-filled growl that no earthly animal could growl as terrifying. Whatever it was had to be fucking massive, as its slow, strong steps shook the walls, causing dust to trickle from the ceiling. I heard the gnashing of teeth. Then came the smell, an awful, rotting, putrid fish smell. It was disgusting.


    ¡°That¡­ sounds pretty big,¡± Jace said.


    The creature came into view as it turned the corner. I instantly received an adrenaline spike. A huge undead brown bear was walking upright down the hall. It had to bend its head to make it down the high-ceilinged hallway. Its body was littered with different weapons, including arrows, spears, and I even saw a large axe protruding from its back. I assumed the weapons were from other people. Seeing the bear standing and coming towards us, I could guess who won. Chunks of flesh were missing throughout his body. A slice in its abdomen revealed multiple rib bones and intestines that dangled out. It did have one other noteworthy thing about its appearance that I should mention. It had great white sharks for arms. Yeah, great white sharks for literal fucking arms. I could tell the sharks were undead too green ooze leaking from multiple gouges and missing flesh. Upon seeing us, the two sharks went into a frenzy, snapping at the air, jerking the bear even faster down the hallway.


    Sweet mother of god, your scent has been picked up by an Undead Beararmshark. I¡¯ll let you in on a little hint with this one. It¡¯s killed a lot more higher-level guy than the two of you today.


    ¡°Well, fuck that,¡± Jace said. ¡°I¡¯ll take my chances with the onion things.¡±

 [ 9 ]

    We ran, and even in my frail form, my adrenaline made me forget about my body¡¯s instant exhaustion. An undead bear with shark arms will do that to you. As we started running towards the onion men, their tops opened up, and an aroma started to fill the air. It smelled like an onion but magnitudes more intense. I was too late in pulling up my robe mask. We both started to tear up uncontrollably, and I was barely able to see with the well of water on my eyes.


    ¡°I love you, man!¡± Jace said with a sob next to me.


    I was suddenly overcome with emotion. I couldn¡¯t keep it in anymore.


    ¡°I love you too, man. I couldn¡¯t imagine doing this without you. I¡¯m so glad to have you here with me,¡± I said with a sniffle as we ran down the hall. ¡°We are going to make it, man. We are going to save our family.¡±


    I glanced back through watery eyes, seeing the onion men as small blobs no longer trying to pursue us and turning to face the bear. The Onion Men charged, letting out a high-pitched war cry. They were no match. The first was quickly shredded by a shark arm. Onion skin floated around, slowly falling to the ground like dropped feathers. The same fate quickly followed the next few Onion Men as they charged. Not one of them landed any sort of attack, and by the look of the creature I don¡¯t know if any attack would do damage. Onion skin was thick in the air. In a matter of seconds, there were only two Onion Men left, and they were fleeing, running towards us, a look of pure dread on their cute onion faces.


    I felt bad in that moment and involuntarily slowed down my own fleeing as my brain processed how I could help them, but the creature was merciless. In a few large strides, the creature caught up to the two fleeing Onion Men, and each shark arm had its dessert.


    ¡°It¡¯s a fucking dead end!¡± Jace yelled, taking my attention back to getting the fuck out of here. ¡°And shit, I could have used those onion guys. Some great recipes with them. Maybe we could go back real quick and-¡± Jace said, trailing off rational thought answering his own question.


    The hallway ended with a more circular shape. I assumed this would be another fork in the hallway. I was wrong. The hallway ended with a single door. The door was black with silver-studded metal reinforcement. Engraved on the door in a font that I would best describe as horror movie demon scribble read ¡®knock, knock¡¯. There was a single human-sized skull doorknocker.


    We were finally out of the aroma. I had luckily stopped crying, able to finally see clearly after a wipe of my hand. I took a look back down the hall and I knew what was next for dinner after the onion guys. The sharks and bear were still munching on the onion men behind us, but there didn''t look like there was too much left. Jace went up to the door.


    ¡°Alright. It says knock twice. So, knock twice?¡± Jace said quickly, panic in his voice.


    ¡°Sounds good,¡± I replied. ¡°Do it.¡±


    Jace used the doorknocker and banged it twice.


    Green lasers shot out of the skull door-knockers eyes blasting Jace right in the chest, sending him to the ground, yelping in pain.


    ¡°Shit!¡± Jace said, taking out a health potion from his inventory and chugging it. ¡°That took out half my health. What do we do? That was my last potion.¡±


    I looked back down the hall. The bear and sharks had finished their main meal, now gobbling up tiny scraps.


    One of the sharks lifted its head and we made eye contact.


    I gulped. ¡°Hi. Can¡¯t we talk about this? Might I persuade you to leave us alone?¡±


    The shark went into a frenzy chopping at the air.


    ¡°I don¡¯t think that worked,¡± Jace said turning back to the door knocker. ¡°What the fuck is ¡®knock, knock¡¯? There has to be something.¡±


    The way Jace said ¡®knock, knock¡¯ gave me an idea.


    ¡°Knock, knock,¡± I said to the door.


    A long moment came where I thought my idea was a bust until the skull spoke.


    ¡°Who¡¯s there?¡± The skull said, its jaw moving, in a gravely haunted voice.


    I was momentarily at a loss for a good ¡®knock, knock¡¯ joke. Luckily, having a kid in elementary school, one came to mind.


    ¡°Nobel,¡± I replied.


    ¡°Nobel who?¡± The skull said with a smile.


    ¡°Nobel,¡± I said, ¡°that¡¯s why I knocked.¡±


    The skull¡¯s smile deepened as the door popped open. I rushed in, Jace right behind me, both of us using our shoulders to slam the door shut behind us. We heard thrashing on the other side, followed by the sound of lasers shooting. Then came the sound of a bear yelping in pain with the pattering of feet going off into the distance.


    Jace and I slumped to the ground back to the door breathing heavily, taking in our surroundings.


    ¡°Fuck this game,¡± Jace said panting next to me.


    ¡°Agreed,¡± I replied.


    We were in a large room. On each of the four walls, there was a painted mural. The first one directly across from us on the other side of the room was a cold scene. Rolling hills of snow were depicted. On our left were rows and rows of almost barren trees, the wind blowing. Piles of leaves making the ground almost completely covered. On the right was rain pouring on a field of crops. There was a deer licking the fawn next to her. Behind us, there was a bright sun and clear skies showing a scene of hills and a beach. In the center of the room was a pile of dirt.


    This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    ¡°So, it¡¯s the four seasons, right?¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Yeah, pretty obvious,¡± I answered. ¡°But what are we supposed to do?¡±


    ¡°Huh. The four seasons and a pile of dirt,¡± Jace said hand under his chin.


    I walked over and started sifting through the dirt. Just a few inches under the dirt right in the center was a gold seed, about the size of the tip of my finger. I placed it back in the dirt.


    ¡°Looks like there is a seed in the dirt. Do we need to grow it? Water makes things grow, right? That and sunlight?¡± I said.


    We thought for a few moments in silence, walking around the room.


    ¡°Should we start with water? I finished my bottle a few hours ago,¡± I asked.


    ¡°Same, last water I saw was at the frog place,¡± Jace said. ¡°Is there water in healing potions? Not that it helps I don¡¯t have anymore. Your pills have liquid in them?¡±


    I only had one other idea I could think of, not wanting to use a pill unless I had to.


    ¡°Alright, look away,¡± I said to Jace as I lifted up my robes and loincloth.


    While I peed into the pile of dirt, I thought about how I hadn¡¯t seen Jace use the restroom since his cleaver incident. I didn¡¯t want to bring it up, as he probably wouldn¡¯t see it as a silver lining to no longer have to go pee. I know I wouldn¡¯t take the trade.


    Just as my stream trailed off into its last few drops the mural depicting spring flashed with white light. When our vision returned, the mural was gone replaced by a plain stone wall. I was suddenly pushed back as a small tree sprouted a few feet its branches hitting me as it grew.


    ¡°Awesome!¡± Jace said. ¡°Now what? Light?¡±


    ¡°I know just the thing,¡± I said with a smirk as I let loose a Light Orb.


    The same thing happened with the summer mural, disappearing in a flash of light. The tree grew into a large tree, its leaves and branches pushing against the ceiling.


    ¡°Did we, do it?¡± Jace asked.


    ¡°Maybe we have to do all the seasons?¡± I replied.


    ¡°Well, how the hell are we going to do autumn and winter? I assume that means wind and cold?¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Yeah, this is reminding me of a movie. What¡¯s that movie where they have to do this? It¡¯s got that red-headed chick?¡± I asked.


    ¡°Yeah, I know what you¡¯re talking about. Can¡¯t think of the name,¡± Jace said.


    Jace went over to the pile of dirt squatting down face close.


    ¡°We¡¯re not going to make it,¡± Jace said.


    Jace stood back up taking a step away from the tree. There was a flash as the bottom twenty-five percent of the autumn mural glowed bright and then disappeared replaced by a stone wall.


    ¡°What did you do? Show me what you did?¡± I asked.


    ¡°I was just standing here like this,¡± Jace said squatting back down, ¡°and I said we¡¯re not going to make it.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s it?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± Jace said in reply. ¡°Must just be wind.¡±


    Jace blew a long breath on the dirt at the base of the tree, which surprisingly didn¡¯t budge. Jace quickly took steps back as the rest of the autumn mural glowed white and disappeared. Large apples started to grow from the tree. There were at least fifty or so. The apples were large, almost the size of pumpkins, and were a deep red.


    ¡°Wow. Those look nice. So many recipes.¡± Jace said ringing his hands.


    ¡°Whoa, whoa, whoa, I think we should hold off plucking any until we finish this. Isn¡¯t there a book that starts off with plucking apples and things going downhill? Now, how the hell are we going to do cold?¡± I asked.


    ¡°Yeah, alright. We have a few loot boxes we can go through. Maybe we¡¯ll find something,¡± Jace said clearly looking in his inventory.


    I only had one loot box myself. A Not-Bad Level Loot Box of the Coward that I had received from the frog encounter. I opened it.


    Not that we needed any more proof, but you are a total coward. Skipped the Gym Rats, the frog guys, those onion guys, and the Beararmshark. That¡¯s like most of the encounters you¡¯ve had down here.


    You have gained Underwear of the Coward!


    I looked in my inventory, seeing a pair of boxer briefs. All it said was Underwear of the Coward. No properties were listed nor any description. I selected it, and they materialized in my hand. At first, I thought they were a normal pair of black boxer briefs until I turned them over to see the word Coward on the back in rhinestones. It looked to be the same font and style of the Juicy pants that were popular years and years ago.


    ¡°I guess I can¡¯t be picky,¡± I said rolling my eyes and putting on the underwear under my robes, replacing the loincloth. ¡°Wish I would have had these hours ago.¡±


    Being used to wearing underwear for the past who knows how many years, it was a strange creature comfort now having boxers on. Damn, did it feel good. Everything was now where it should be. Nice and snug. An experience I purposefully did not say out loud to Jace.


    ¡°Do I even want to ask?¡± Jace said as I finished putting on my boxers.


    ¡°No, you probably don¡¯t,¡± I replied.


    ¡°I didn¡¯t get anything useful from the loot boxes that I had. A few more healing potions and some more chocolate chip energy bars,¡± Jace said.


    I went through my inventory. I didn¡¯t have much. I had the Depends, some mana potions, the pill bottle with mini-heals, oh and those weird furry handcuffs that I was trying to forget about, and¡­


    ¡°I can only think of one thing,¡± I said, ¡°but I¡¯ll let you come up with something better before I try it.¡±


    We talked for a few minutes on different ways to make cold to no avail. We sat around for a bit, continuing to try to think of a better idea. I ate one of the energy protein bars while we contemplated. It tasted horrible, and that was coming from a guy who had been eating some weird stuff lately. It tasted like chocolate chalk.


    After a while, we didn¡¯t have any better idea than the one I had. We tried the door first, seeing if we could just get out, knowing that if the Christmas room was any indication the room might just try to kill us. There was no door handle on the door, and no matter how much Jace pried with his knife, it didn¡¯t budge.


    I then whipped it out, I held the tube of IcyHot and opened it, lathering it into my hands. I walked over to the tree, hands chalk white, and started rubbing it on the tree trunk up and down.


    Wow! This can¡¯t work right? This is definitely going against the labels intended use. But keep going. I kinda like it.


    It felt like more time had passed than the times previously, but it happened. The winter scene glowed white and was replaced by a stone wall. The apples on the tree shone with a golden light and were replaced by gold apples. Words were now etched on the ground in front of us in gold ink.


    Those who take a golden apple only have but an apple, but for those who wish upon the tree, may just see something come to thee.


    ¡°So, we make a wish?¡± Jace asked.


    ¡°I guess,¡± I replied.


    ¡°What should I wish for?¡± Jace said.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± I said. ¡°What do you need?¡±


    ¡°I wish for my family back,¡± Jace said.


    One of the golden apples withered and died, dropping to the ground black and rotten.


    ¡°Alright, fine. I wish for more experience,¡± Jace said.


    Another golden apple withered and died, dropping.


    ¡°I wish for a powerful loot box,¡± Jace said.


    One of the golden apples morphed into a gold loot box.


    I wasted no time quickly stating my wish. ¡°I wish upon the tree for a powerful spell loot box.¡±


    One of the golden apples morphed, turning into a gold loot box. I went up and plucked it, adding it to my inventory.


    As Jace plucked his loot box, the door swung open. We both turned.


    ¡°God dammit,¡± Jace said.

 [ 10 ]

    The six onion men from earlier had now turned into zombie onion men. Shredded zombie onion men. Shredded onion zombie men that now saw a food source just reveal itself in front of them. The one in the front had a twisted ankle and was dragging it behind him towards us. They started making high-pitched zombie noises. They sounded like zombies that had been given a hit of helium.


    ¡°Let them get close. I¡¯ll blind them. You slice them,¡± I said.


    They were definitely the slow-moving zombie kind and were quite torn up from their interaction with the bearshark thing earlier. A few of them had to use a single arm or a single leg to propel themselves on the floor towards us.


    I blasted my orb, the zombie onions temporarily blinded. Jace made quick work slicing off their heads. Then we ran. I wasn¡¯t sure if having a head or not did anything to those onion guys, and I didn¡¯t want to wait and find out. We took off back down the hall.


    ¡°I got to level 3,¡± Jace said as he jogged next to me barely out of breath.


    ¡°Me,¡± I paused catching my breath, ¡°too.¡±


    We jogged for another minute until we found an alcove that we stepped into. There were no signs of anything down either way down the hall. I pulled up my notification my interface reading.


    You are now level 3!


    Campfire is unlocked! User may place a campfire and be transported to their camp. Location is saved, and user will be returned to the same location after leaving their camp.


    A dotted white line appeared from my hand towards the ground. I felt like I was in one of those building games. The dotted line ended with a campfire including flame, rock border, and wood pointing up in the middle. The campfire was white where it couldn''t be placed and green where it could. I moved it around clicking when it turned green tucked into the corner of the alcove. A notification came in both of our screens asking if we wanted to combine our camps. We both selected ¡°yes.¡±


    Things are easier in numbers! With your track record, you sure do need numbers if you want to have a sliver of a chance to stay alive. Your camp size is increased!


    I mentally selected the campfire and was transported.


    I was now standing in a cozy library. It looked like I was in a medieval tower spire. A huge tower spire. I looked up, seeing it go on and on to what looked like infinity. I could just barely make out the faintest ceiling at the very top, but there had to be close to twenty or more floors before nearing the ceiling. The room was shaped like a heptagon. Of the six sides, one had a wooden door labeled exit, another was labeled dorms, another labeled party, and the other three had tall bookshelves that reached to the second floor. In the center of the large room was an ornate wooden spiral staircase. The staircase was greyed out. I walked over to examine it. There was a chain across the stairs with a circular sign with a lock with the number seven on it.


    The room was massive. There were large comfy couches, armchairs, and large and small desks placed throughout the room. Candles hung from the bookshelves, on the tables, and on the walls providing light. At least fifty people could be in here reading comfortably. I went up to one of the bookshelves, and as I got closer, it was greyed out just like the stairs. One bookshelf had a lock with a two on it, another a lock with a four, and the last a lock with a six.


    I opened the door that said dorm. Inside was a room that did remind me of a college dorm room. There was a bathroom which included a shower, which I found way too much relief in knowing I had at my disposal. Instead of the room having two twin beds in each corner there, as typical in a college dorm, there was a large California King bed with a thick blanket centered in the room. Looking at the bed, I realized just how tired I was. It looked so damn comfy. I didn¡¯t even know how long it had been since we entered the dungeon. But I was also hungry.


    Food first. Then sleep.


    I went back out to the library room. The one thing really out of place was the TV mounted above the exit that came to life as I looked at it. At the top was a large countdown showing 25 hours and three minutes until Level 1 ended.


    ¡°Holy shit,¡± I said aloud, ¡°There is a fucking time limit to this shit now? A fucking countdown!¡±


    Below the countdown read:


    [Total Starting Population: 8,128,828,837]


    [Total NPC Population: 4,545,646,536]


    [Total In Stasis: 2,528,637,474]


    [Total Mob Population: 126,286,371]


    [Total Died in Dungeon: 423,837,927]


    [Total Remaining in Level 1: 504,417,779]


    [Total Remaining in Level 2: 2,750]


    [Total Remaining in Level 3: 0]


    [You are currently in your camp. Time is halved in camp.]


    Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.


    I blinked at the numbers. Jesus Christ. Over half the world population was now an NPC, whatever that meant. Kiwi hadn¡¯t been much help in this conundrum. Of the total eight plus billion people in the world, there were only around 500 million that remained. Over 400 million had already died in the dungeon. I felt sick to my stomach. I watched the numbers for a few moments the Total Died in Dungeon number ticking up quickly.


    I was glad to see the message about time being halved. It would be nice to catch my breath. But we still hadn¡¯t found the way to Level 2, and we were no closer than when we first got here. My family was one of the 2.5 billion people in stasis, and I was determined to get them out. I stared at the 2.5 billion number. Fuck you, game. I was taken out of my spiraling thoughts as Jace opened the door with the party sign.


    ¡°Whoa dude, this is sweet,¡± Jace said looking around. ¡°Have you checked out any of the books?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s all locked out. I assume I have to level it up or level more myself, not sure.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, my area is the same. I have stuff locked out too. Come check out my digs.¡±


    The party door led to a short hallway. On one wall was a machine that looked very similar to an old-school pay phone, but without a phone and with a larger, squarer, slot for where coins would go. Well, something thicker than coins but a similar slot. As I passed it, I saw it was greyed out a sign floating with a lock stating ¡°Locked Until Campaign Level 3¡±. We continued down the hall towards a stainless-steel door, like one in a restaurant. One of those restaurant doors that you could push with your shoulder when your hands were full, that automatically flapped back until it closed. I looked back and admired my door; it was dark and ornately decorated wood. It looked pretty sweet not going to lie. Jace pushed open his door and I was led into a large commercial kitchen. In this moment, with my current hungry state, I was glad Jace was a chef. The kitchen was large, with most of it greyed out. There was a walk-in freezer, ovens, fryers, stoves, dishwasher, and all sorts of other areas.


    ¡°The stovetops work and there are a few pans. That¡¯s pretty much it. There was a small welcome package with some ground beef and veggies. Looks like I¡¯ll get some additional bonuses with my culinary creations as I level this place up. For now, it¡¯s just normal food fuel. Hungry?¡± Jace said.


    ¡°I¡¯m starving, and I can¡¯t eat another energy bar. I¡¯ve hit my limit of tongue and love handle. No offense.¡± I said, gesturing with my hands.


    ¡°No offense taken,¡± Jace said with a laugh. ¡°I¡¯m on it.¡± He finished as he moved towards the stovetop.


    Opening my tab, I saw our combined camp name the interface taking a juvenile approach by mashing our names together to come up with ¡°Kence.¡± Jace¡¯s commercial kitchen room also had an exit door with a classic exit light-up sign, and another door with a sign in the same font and style as a classic exit sign that said, ¡°Chef¡¯s Quarters.¡± After Jace started everything cooking, he led me to take a quick look at his quarters. I was glad for my own accommodations but didn¡¯t say so out loud. It looked like crew quarters on a mega yacht. Circular windows had a painted scene of the ocean. There was a queen-sized bed that directly attached to a small bathroom.


    We went back to the kitchen. At the end of the long stainless-steel counter, there were a few stools. I sat down, and within a few minutes, to my surprise, Jace placed in front of me a juicy burger with carrots and asparagus on the side.


    ¡°Is this real? Am I really about to enjoy a nice juicy burger?¡± I said to Jace. ¡°I¡¯m not sure what you are complaining about with this whole chef class thing.¡±


    ¡°I would trade being able to make a mean burger for some actual god-damn power,¡± Jace said in reply with a small chuckle.


    That small chuckle turned into both of us laughing. We laughed hard, way harder than the comment warranted. One of those sleep delirious inside joke kinda laughs. When we stopped, I looked down solemnly.


    ¡°Did you see the screen?¡± I said to Jace pointing at his own screen mounted on the wall above some counter space.


    ¡°Yeah. Fucked up. Only 500 million people left fighting in the entire world. Hard to believe.¡±


    I tried to open my spell loot box but received a message that for level 1 loot boxes could only be opened in a dungeon. No surprise with this fucked up game, there had to be some catches somewhere with having this much peace and comfort. We talked for a few more minutes but sleep was overcoming me. I was normally someone who didn¡¯t need more than six or seven hours of sleep, but once I started to go into overtime, I started getting whooped fast. We talked about the need to keep watch, but neither of us thought we could keep our eyes awake. On top of that, we needed to be ready for the next day. We didn¡¯t have many hours left to find Level 2, and I felt stressed beyond measure. We were no closer now than when we first started, and if anything, I am worse off on multiple fronts.


    I headed to bed, snuggling into my large comfy bed. Damn, did it feel nice. I was glad to also have a nice meal in my stomach other than an energy bar or tongue and love handle. I closed my eyes and thought I would just go right to sleep, but something kept me up. Guilt overwhelmed me, not allowing my brain to drift off. First, the guilt of what my Light Orb had done to those college kids, an action that most likely caused their deaths. It sure didn¡¯t help. I wondered if they would still be alive if I chose not to use it. I also started to feel guilty about what I had done between the two frog groups. I knew they were trying to eat us, but then again, what did that princess ever do to me? She¡¯s probably dead now. Those cute little Onion Men. Were they even a threat?


    I tried to distract myself and thought of some questions I had for Kiwi.


    Why is my map so shitty? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <Not enough perception. May also be granted via items, racial skill tree selection, or class selection cards.>


    Why can¡¯t I see how much health creatures have? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <Not enough perception. May also be granted via item, racial skill tree selection, or class selection cards.>


    Kiwi, why can¡¯t I see how much damage I do? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <Not enough perception. May also be granted via item, racial skill tree selection, or class selection cards.>


    Kiwi, why can¡¯t I see how much experience I get for kills and encounters? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <Not enough perception. May also be granted via item, racial skill tree selection, or class selection cards.>


    Yet again, I was unsure about this class that I had and the whole only getting Charisma stat bumps for levels. It looked like perception was pretty valuable. Racial skill tree selection and class selection cards sounded pretty sweet though.


    What is a racial skill tree selection and class selection cards? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <I''m sorry. I am not at liberty to say.>


    Are you really sorry? I don¡¯t think you are really sorry. I think you get off by withholding information. I thought towards Kiwi.


    <I''m sorry you feel that way.>


    I thought being a snarky asshole was the other guy¡¯s job. I wasn¡¯t in the mood to fight her anymore as sleep was starting to overtake me.


    Hey Kiwi, I thought, If I survive what level will I see my family?


    <Campaign Level 12.>


    That¡¯s fucking right I am.


    With that, it was the last thing I thought about before drifting off to sleep.

 [ 11 ]

    I woke to a knock on my door. I rushed over, opening it, thinking the worst.


    ¡°Sorry to wake you, man. It¡¯s been 10 hours in here. Five hours out in the dungeon. We only have 19 hours left before it¡¯s all over. I think we should get a move on,¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Sounds good. Let me shower and use the rest room, and I¡¯ll be ready.¡±


    ¡°Works for me. I¡¯m making up the last bit of food I have in my inventory for a good start of the dungeon breakfast. Little deglazed alpha dire pigeon,¡± Jace said.


    ¡°That oddly does not sound half bad,¡± I replied.


    I closed the door and headed to my bathroom, turning on the shower, which quickly started to steam up the room. I still felt like crap. Even the warm water giving me a sense of home didn¡¯t make me physically feel much better. I really needed to get my stats up. My Level 3 changes just included increases to Charisma and my mana. I stood in the shower trying to do mental math on what my mana recovery time was at and also tried to remember what my stats were before my level. I really wished there was a log. Then I remembered my helpful down under girl.


    Hey Kiwi, I thought, what changes occurred for me going from level 2 to level 3?


    <User gained 45 additional points in Charisma. Charisma was increased from 135 to 180.>


    That¡¯s it for my level? That didn¡¯t seem like much.


    Why did I only get a stat bonus for level 2? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <No users gain class or race abilities for level 3. At level 3 users unlock camp ability.>


    How long does it take my mana to go from zero to full without using a potion? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <18 minutes.>


    Damn, 18 minutes was a long ass time.


    I dried off with a nice fluffy towel, put back on my coward underwear, dawned my wizard gear, and looked at myself in the steamed mirror.


    ¡°You got this,¡± I said to myself.


    I left my room, going back into my tower spire. It felt almost as comfy as the bed I had just slept in. I always had a soft spot for old college library study areas. I stopped my momentary time of enjoying the scenery and made my way to the hallway that linked our two areas. We didn¡¯t have much time left.


    As I entered Jace¡¯s area, he was in the kitchen, just sitting down two plates of food on the table.


    ¡°With all the fucked-up things with this campaign,¡± I said to Jace as I sat down, ¡°or dungeon or game or whatever it¡¯s called this place is not half bad.¡±


    ¡°I was thinking the same thing. But then the cynical part of me is wondering what the angle is here. Get us complacent so we just stay here until Level 1 is over? I asked my assistant, and he said we die once Level 1 collapses, and we don¡¯t get to Level 2. Even in our camp,¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Fuck. Yeah, that puts a different taste in your mouth. Speaking of what do we got here.¡±


    ¡°Well, before you to enjoy is a glazed alpha dire pigeon topped with a shredded tongue and love handle goulash.¡±


    He kinda lost me with the goulash description with ingredients that I was hoping too never have again. The bird was pretty good until I started thinking about how the Alpha Dire Pigeons were created, and it turned me off.


    We got ourselves situated and a few minutes later, we were both standing next to each other, staring at the exit in Jace¡¯s area. We turned to each other, silently giving each other a nod, and we walked out the exit.


    We appeared back at the same spot. We hadn¡¯t been back but a moment when Jace quickly made a be quiet hand gesture, putting his finger to his lips. I took a look down the hallway, seeing a band of what looked like orcs jogging. Orcs straight out of the Lord of the Rings movies. I think Peter Jackson should sue as their armor, appearance, and pretty much everything about them was a shot for shot remake. They marched, turning down at the fork in the hallway. They were going the same direction we planned to go if we didn¡¯t want to go back to the dead end with the onion guys.


    ¡°Let¡¯s give it a few minutes then we¡¯ll check it out,¡± Jace said, whispering.


    I pulled up my map. The map up until this point had been pretty useless, but now that we had gained a few levels, it was now up to being just barely useful. At 3% visibility, it was still pretty limited. With its limited range, I could just barely see down each of the halls for a little ways. I saw grey dots indicating the orcs. A feature I was excited to have. The dots disappeared as the last one turned the corner. Then I saw something else on the map. I saw Jace¡¯s green dot, but there was now a white circle with the letter P inside. A key popped up on the right of the map as I looked at the letter. It showed P was player and N was NPC.


    ¡°It looks like there is a real living person right where those orcs turned,¡± I whispered to Jace. ¡°Should we go help?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. We should, right? Would be the humane thing to do?¡± Jace said.


    ¡°They might have info on how we get to Level 2. At this point, we would take anything. Also, might be easier to take out those orcs with someone else helping,¡± I said.


    We walked quietly down the stone path. Jace was a lot quieter than I was, his high dexterity paying off. Jace took the lead. The dot showed the player unmoving right at the fork in the road. The orcs had to be right on them, but we didn¡¯t hear anything. Just as we were about to peek around the corner that the orcs turned down, I tripped. A loose stone turned as I stepped on it, twisting my foot, then my other foot caught on a lip in another stone. I landed face down right in the middle of the fork with a thud.


    There was a man standing next to a frozen woman. He was holding a noob level loot box.


    ¡°Holy fuck!¡± The man said dropping the loot box.


    He was wearing full plate armor, his head that was exposed moments ago now covered with a helmet, only a slit for the eyes visible. The armor looked badass. Beyond badass. It was black and blood red. Most of the plate was blood red with borders of black, except for the chainmail from his shoulder to his wrist and the chainmail that went down to his thigh, all black. The armor was ornate, to say the least, with patterns and flanged pieces throughout.


    ¡°You guys scared the living shit out of me. What kind of entrance was that?¡± He said, still catching his breath.


    ¡°Sorry, man,¡± I said as I stood up. ¡°I tripped.¡±


    ¡°What are you doing?¡± Jace said to the man.


    ¡°I know it¡¯s gross, but I¡¯m just looting to stay alive. Once a player dies, there is a low-level loot box that¡¯s up for grabs. I haven¡¯t gotten much from them yet, but in this place you gotta do what you gotta do. The name¡¯s William Hunter by the way.¡±


    ¡°Hello, William. My name is Jace, and this is my brother, Kent.¡± Jace said, pointing to me.


    William¡¯s helmet retracted behind him. William looked to be in his sixties, with short, wispy white hair messed up from his helmet.


    ¡°Nice to meet you both. Good to see some living people down here,¡± William said.


    ¡°Nice to meet you too,¡± I replied.


    ¡°Where are you from?¡± Jace asked.


    ¡°I was in Colorado before moving to this glorious place,¡± William said sarcastically, waving his arms around to his surroundings.


    ¡°We are from Colorado too, Denver area,¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Yeah, so far, the bodies I have seen are mostly people from Colorado. Saw one from Nebraska, but all the rest are from Colorado. I was up in Florence, Colorado. This is a fucked-up place, right?¡± He said. ¡°But it beats where I was before, believe it or not. But there have been a lot of dead around here,¡± he said, looking down at the dead woman.


    She had multiple stab wounds on her body. Stuck into the ground next to her was the same gravestone we had seen on the others. On the gravestone in blue letters, it read.


    Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    [Lauren Boebert]


    [Rifle, Colorado]


    [Slain by enslaved orcs]


    ¡°We have seen a ton of people that were slain by enslaved orcs. They must really be tough. Did you see them come this way?¡± I said.


    ¡°Orcs? I¡¯m not even sure what those are. Nothing came down here that I saw,¡± William replied.


    We all looked down at the woman for a few moments before Jace broke the silence.


    ¡°Do you know anything about how we get down to Level 2?¡± Jace asked.


    ¡°I do. You guys really haven¡¯t found them yet?¡± He asked.


    ¡°Found what?¡± I replied.


    ¡°There are rooms all over the place of different queens that have domain over certain areas. They¡¯re the ones that have the keys. At least I assume they do. The doors to the second levels are also close by to the queens. I was actually going to go take one out right now if you guys wanted to do it together. I know where one of them is. Not too far from here. I was hanging around trying to get another level before I go to Level 2. What level are you guys?¡±


    ¡°We are both level 3. Just got it not long ago. You?¡± Jace said.


    ¡°5,¡± William said. ¡°You guys close to your next level?¡±


    I pulled up my interface. I was surprised, I was already over 50% of the way there.


    ¡°I am about 20% of the way through level 3. So still have a ways to go,¡± Jace said speaking first.


    ¡°I¡¯m at about 50%,¡± I added.


    ¡°Do either of you have a class?¡± He asked.


    ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m a chef, and he is a really weak one-trick pony.¡±


    ¡°Did I hear that right? Did you say a chef?¡± He asked.


    ¡°Yes, sir, you sure indeed did. What about you?¡± Jace said.


    ¡°It¡¯s the armor. Part of my class. Don¡¯t fully understand it quite yet,¡± he said.


    ¡°Alright, follow me,¡± William said, leading the way.


    There were a few times I wanted to ask who he was, what he had seen down here, what his story was, and what else he knew about this place, but the moment had passed, and we were all in survival mode. Talking would only distract us and signal to monsters where we were.


    William led the way, somehow keeping track of all the twists and turns in the hallway until we reached a wooden door. On top, it said ¡°Fat Lady Jurisdiction 665269.¡±


    ¡°Well, I guess it¡¯s pretty obvious now with the fat lady should scream hint and it literally says fat lady,¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Yeah, you don¡¯t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure this one out,¡± William said as a small knife appeared in his hands.


    ¡°So, I guess we just go in?¡± I said.


    ¡°I¡¯ll take a peek.¡± Jace said.


    Jace tried to gently push the door open to take a peek, but once he pushed it a little, the door automatically swung open. The first thing that hit us was the stench. It was awful. Rotting fast food restaurant dumpster scents assaulted my nose. There was a long hallway that ended with those black rubber flaps that attached at the top of the doorframe hanging to the floor.


    God, did it stink.


    ¡°Think it¡¯s a trap?¡± Jace said.


    ¡°Not sure how we would find out until it¡¯s too late. We could start throwing things to see if they trigger?¡± I suggested.


    ¡°I¡¯ll just go first,¡± William said, as you would think a stereotypical old man would at newfangled ideas.


    We slowly walked down the hallway with William in tow. We all made it up to the rubber flaps, the smell intensifying. And then I saw her¨Cthe largest, most massive, most rotund woman I¡¯d ever seen. Literally, no exaggeration, she was ten times the size of Jabba the Hut. She looked like a mix of Jabba and Fat Bastard from Austin Powers, if that combination was multiplied by ten and you added a lot more greasy fat rolls spilling out. God, she was fucking massive. I¡¯m all for body positivity and doing your thing, but she was disgusting and massive. She had no neck to be seen, even her forehead bulging with fat. If she had breasts, they were lost in the sea of fat rolls. But I was damn glad to see a giant fried chicken bucket right in front of her blocking her unmentionables. If they could even be seen. She was currently munching down on a large chicken wing, oblivious to her new guests standing outside her doorway.


    ¡°What¡¯s the play?¡± William asked.


    ¡°I have an idea. Let me go first. If things go south then we fight,¡± I said.


    I stood up straight, taking a few deep breaths, and then pushed the flaps, entering the chamber.


    ¡°Hello, fair lady,¡± I said, putting on my most regal voice as I stepped into the room.


    ¡°Who dares disturb my feeding time?¡± She replied.


    ¡°I am sorry to interrupt your meal, but I have something of great import to speak to you about. I am in need of safe passage to Level 2 and am in need of a key I believe you possess. You see, I am on a quest most dire in which-¡± I said being cut off.


    ¡°Are you a chef?¡± She said, interrupting me, eyes locked on Jace, her mouth full of chicken. ¡°Oh, how I crave chocolate cake.¡± Chicken sprayed out as she made the v sound. ¡°Bring me cake and I¡¯ll give you the key,¡± she finished bluntly, going back to her chicken.


    I was a little caught off guard by how quickly she had made a demand. I saw William walking around trying to get behind the massive lady. We made eye contact, and I subtly waved him off.


    ¡°Is there any chance you could whip up a chocolate cake?¡± I whispered to Jace.


    Jace looked at me flatly. ¡°I have literally none of the ingredients required to make a chocolate cake. Not unless you want it to taste like undead onion.¡±


    ¡°Right,¡± I said. I returned to the Fat Lady and bowed.


    ¡°That is actually why I am here, fair maiden. We are starting a cake delivery service, you see. But we must have access to Level 2 for the most delicious and mouthwatering ingredients. I wish to collect them and make a round of the most delicious chocolate cakes. The first round free to you, of course, as trade for giving us a key. I will personally deliver you a cake in short order once I have collected all the ingredients,¡± I said, lying my ass off, hoping upon hope this Charisma thing was actually worth something.


    Then I saw it. What I was waiting for. The somewhat opaque cartoon bubble-looking hearts were now floating over her head popping as they floated up. The hearts were quite large, seeming to have increased proportionally to the massive lady¡¯s size.


    ¡°You promise you will come back?¡± She said staring at me.


    ¡°You have my word and my brother¡¯s word as a chef. A chef would never go back on his word of sharing food,¡± I said lying my ass off again.


    The large opaque cartoon bubble hearts were now a more solid pink as they continued to float and pop above her.


    ¡°So be it,¡± she said as she started rummaging in one of her fat rolls.


    A glob of grease slid off of her on one side, making a splash on the floor. A peasant girl quickly came out using what looked like a dog pooper scooper. She picked up the grease and placed it in a bucket and took off back through the door she had come from. Three keys were produced from her fat roll, and she tossed them towards us with surprising accuracy. Jace and William caught theirs out of the air. Mine collided with my face, the key hitting the ground with a ting.


    ¡°Thank you, my lady. We shall return shortly,¡± I said with a bow, picking the key up as I bent over.


    We then left, walking backwards through the rubber flaps down the hallway and closed the door behind us.


    ¡°Well, I had no idea that was going to be our approach,¡± William said. ¡°That lady was hideous. We should have tried to take her out. People like that don¡¯t deserve to live.¡±


    Jace and I exchanged an eyebrow raise behind William¡¯s back.


    ¡°Old people.¡± I mouthed with a shrug still out of sight from William.


    ¡°Door to Level 2 is this way,¡± William said, pointing as he held out his key.


    I took out my own key, and a dotted line appeared on the floor in front of me an arrow at my feet pointing me in the right direction.


    ¡°Well, that is convenient,¡± Jace commented once he was holding his own key.


    After walking for about 20 minutes, we finally sat down to take a break in another alcove. I was relieved we hadn¡¯t encountered anything along the way. I pulled up my quest tab which showed we had 17 hours left.


    ¡°Hopefully, it¡¯s not too much farther. These keys seem to show us the way, but they never tell us how long it takes to get there,¡± William said.


    ¡°Have you been to your camp?¡± Jace asked.


    ¡°No, not yet. Didn¡¯t want to waste time,¡± William replied.


    ¡°So, you haven¡¯t seen the stats?¡± Jace inquired.


    ¡°Stats? Don¡¯t think I have.¡± William admitted.


    ¡°Sorry to be the one to tell you, but there are only around 500 million people left. All the rest are dead, NPCs, or in stasis,¡± Jace informed him.


    ¡°I¡¯m not surprised this all happened. The way the world has been going. I called this outcome years ago. We have not been in God¡¯s shining light. The authoritarian plots by our government, you see. That¡¯s what got us here,¡± William said.


    Jace gave me a look that said¨Cis this guy fucking crazy or something.


    I saw Jace take out his magnifying glass it materializing in his hand. He discreetly lifted it to his eye and peered at William. His eyes went wide.


    ¡°Oh, fuck,¡± Jace mouthed to me as he handed over the magnifying glass.


    I picked it up, held it to my eye, and pointed it towards William. Blue text appeared on the glass.


    [Name: William Hunter]


    [Level: 5]


    [Race: Human]


    [Class: Mythic Rare Monster Slaver]


    [Location at Nanobot Infection: The United States Penitentiary, ADMAX Florence, Colorado.]


    [Notable Noteables: William Hunter was serving life in prison for multiple counts of domestic terrorism where he has killed over a hundred people via multiple bombings.]


    [Fun Fact: There were more situations of domestic terrorism that the authorities never linked to him!]


    I finished reading the text and handed the magnifying glass back to Jace. As I was handing it back, William turned towards us, looking at it.


    ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± he asked.


    Jace quickly put it behind his back.


    ¡°Nothing,¡± he replied too quickly, ¡°just a magnifying glass. I have bad eyes.¡±


    ¡°Let me see it,¡± William demanded.


    ¡°Hey man, we are grouping up for now, but we are not at the point of sharing loot just yet,¡± Jace replied, forcing a laugh trying to defuse the tension.


    ¡°I said, let me see it,¡± William said forcefully starting to stand up.


    Jace and I rose along with him, with Jace stepping next to me so we could be side by side.


    ¡°It showed you who I was, didn¡¯t it?¡± William said. ¡°I can see it on your faces. Damn game. Well, I was going to wait until I could fatten you both up a little more so my armor could be satisfied but I guess the cat is out of the bag.¡±


    As William spoke, four orcs rose up from the shadows behind him. They were the same four orcs we had seen earlier running through the hall after we had come back from our camp.


    ¡°They¡¯re called enslaved orcs,¡± Jace said looking at them.


    ¡°So, all those people? That was you?¡± I said, frustrated, searching for answers. ¡°Isn¡¯t there enough hardship in this fucked-up place without us going after our own?¡±


    ¡°These are the same people that locked me up for life. The people I was trying to tell what they were doing was going to lead here. To this moment. Where humanity is all but gone. It¡¯s these people. People like you that destroyed humanity. I am going to beat this game, and when I do, I will create a world where something like this will never happen again,¡± William declared.


    The orcs started to close in. I looked at Jace and gave him a nod. I could tell he knew what I was going to do next. There was a flash, and we ran. Key in hand, we ran down the halls. I was wheezing something fierce when we finally arrived at a large wooden double door with a key slot. A large wooden sign read ¡°Passage to Level 2.¡± Even with my wheezing, I still ran. There was something of a motivator knowing a mass murderer was on your tail.


    ¡°You go first!¡± Jace shouted as we stopped in front of the door keyhole.


    I fumbled with my key, finally getting it into the slot. Just as my key slid into the keyhole, I heard a strange noise escape Jace from behind me. I turned and saw Jace falling backward, a large thick black arrow in his chest. I looked down the hall to see William next to one of his orcs, a bow in its hands, the other three charging with their swords drawn.


    ¡°Jace!¡± I shouted as I vanished.

 [ 12 ]

    ¡°Fuck!¡± I cried out, dropping to my knees.


    I looked behind me, but there was no door to return through. My body let out an involuntary sound. An outsider watching may have described it as a single involuntary sob, but I think it is best described as an ¡®I¡¯m fed up with this shit¡¯ hiccup. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted. Is Jace dead? Oh God, is my brother dead? I realized then that I might be all that stood between life and death for our families. This place was fucked up. Supremely fucked up.


    Is my brother alive? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <I''m sorry. I am not at liberty to say.>


    Well, fuck you, lady.


    I was now in a room. Well, wait a second, maybe not. Maybe I was currently in a black void. Looking around, I didn¡¯t see any end. Even the very ground my knees were now resting against was pure black, the only proof there was a floor being that I was not currently falling into an abyss. Black is usually defined by the absence of light. That was not the case here. I could see the blackness go on and on. I¡¯m no astrophysicist, but this didn¡¯t seem normal. I was taken out of my unscientifically backgrounded brain trying to make sense of things when not feet in front of me, a giant wheel popped into existence.


    I stood to my feet to get a better look at the wheel, taking a tentative step to ensure there was indeed solid floor. It looked like the Wheel of Fortune wheel by pure size and general style, but the inside area that had the potential stops was way more numerous and currently blank of any description.


    As I was currently in no seen immediate danger, I pulled up my interface and went to my party tab. It was greyed out. So was my camp. My interface started talking.


    Welcome to the Game Show Level! (Look, I tried to veto this one, but I was overruled.) In this game show there is no Regis, no phoning friends, and no commercial breaks!


    [No party members or camp access in Level 2]


    ¡°Shit!¡± I exclaimed.


    I should have had Jace go first. He would at least have a better chance to free my family than I did. That thought reminded me that I had a spell loot box to open, but as I pulled up my interface, I closed it back again, seeing an undead man now on the other side of the wheel. I may or may not have jumped multiple feet in the air in surprise.


    The man was dressed in a sort of suit like a gameshow or talk show host would be, but it had a fantasy flair. Instead of the jacket ending where a suit jacket normally did it flared out a little longer, almost butler style. He also had ruffles instead of a tie, which I don¡¯t ever remember seeing in real life, only in movies. The man had slightly balding, blondish-grey hair and didn¡¯t have a nose. His nose reminded me of the Fallout games Ghouls that were always nose-less, having just a hole you could see inside to the fleshy inside of whatever was behind a nose. What made me think he was undead, besides the no nose part, was his skin. It was darker, greyer, and thicker than a normal person¡¯s skin.


    I pulled up my interface again, going to my quest tab. Nothing showed but the parameters.


    [Level 2 Parameters:]


    [Party ¨C Not Available.]


    [Max party size ¨C Not applicable.]


    [Loot and Environment ¨C Non-lootable environment (exception story items) and no generated loot boxes.]


    [Progress towards Campaign Completion 1 out of 30 Levels complete.]


    I am only through 1 of 30 levels in this hellhole. And there were still 11 more before I would even see my family. And I had to do that with what? 2 HP and chicken legs?


    Hey Kiwi. If I survive, what level will I see my family? I thought again,


    <Campaign Level 12.>


    That¡¯s fucking right.


    ¡°Welcome!¡± said the undead man, his voice exactly like a gameshow host showing no signs of his deadness. ¡°I am your personal gameshow host, Tap Shadejak, and you are joining me on TRIVIA OR FIGHT!¡± At the ¡°Trivia or Fight¡± part, there was an unseen audience that chanted along with him, the audience sounded like they were all around me. ¡°Now, let me tell you the rules of the game! The rules are simple. You must complete three rounds of five questions. You will spin the wheel and be confronted with a trivia category for the round. You will be asked five questions from that category which will complete the round. For each question you get right, you will receive shards, increasing in amount if you are on a correct answer streak. And let me tell you, SHARDS ARE SUPREME.¡± he said the audience chanting along at the ¡°shards are supreme.¡± If you get all five questions correct, you move onto the next round. But get a question wrong, and you will be faced with a challenge. The more questions you get wrong in a round, the harder the challenge will be. Survive the challenge, and you move on to the next round. Are you ready to play Trivia or Fight!¡± He said, the invisible crowd cheering loudly from all around.


    The crowd died down, and Tap just stood there staring at me unmoving. I looked around for a moment and didn¡¯t see any timer or any pressure to start quickly, so I stepped back from the wheel and pulled up my interface. It was in this moment I remembered the Gold Level Spell Tome Loot Box I had that I could open from the tree thing.


    How the fuck did I forget I had this? What if we had to fight that disgusting greasy lady? There could be a spell to rain meteors down from the heavens in here. That was really fucking stupid of me to forget to open this. I went to my inventory looking at the Gold Level Spell Tome Loot Box.


    ¡°Please, dear god, I need like fire blast or ice shards, or really anything that does some damage,¡± I said out loud, hands together in a praying pose looking up.


    I¡¯m not religious, but I was here for a few seconds as I clicked on the Gold Level Spell Tome Loot Box. I really fucking needed a spell that did damage. My period of piety was temporary, as what two things appeared in my inventory solidified to me that there is no god. And on the off chance there was a god he was just as sadistic as this AI.


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    [Animate Object]


    [Max Mana Potion (4:57)]


    The max mana potion had a countdown timer in the bottom right of its block in my inventory that was counting down. I had no idea what for, momentarily panicked my interface starting to talk.


    You have been given an item that must be used within the time allotted, or else it will disappear. It¡¯s just like you told your girlfriend in high school. If you don¡¯t use it, you lose it, so I¡¯m gonna need you to just take it. And she fell for it! That¡¯s why I gave you those furry handcuffs, you dog, you.


    ¡°That didn¡¯t happen,¡± I said aloud.


    Oh, somebody¡¯s a bit touchy. Doth protest too much?


    I went into my abilities tab and saw Animate Object listed under my spell heading. There was no description, my interface taking over.


    This spell normally costs 160 mana, which for a normal magic user would be quite high. For you, it¡¯s a drop in the bucket. I think you now get the whole accompanying max mana potion, which doubles your max mana for one minute. Useful for the better¡­I mean¡­more standard magic users.


    I saw the time ticking away on the potion, the description of Animate Object still blank with only three question marks, my interface taking its sweet time to read out the description. I spoke after a few moments of silence.


    ¡°Hello! What does this spell do?¡± I said aloud.


    Sorry, needed to take my alluded break. Is this bad timing? It¡¯s important to have some me time, am I right? Alright, on to Animate Object. Object comes to life at user¡¯s command. User chooses a nonmagical object which animates and becomes under your control. For a normal, user this spell would last ten or so minutes. There is some more stuff about the spell ending when object reaches zero HP and what commands are available, but I¡¯m not sure if that will apply to you.


    I looked in my inventory and saw the max mana potion only had two minutes left. I looked around, only seeing the undead gameshow host staring at me and the wheel. I didn¡¯t think it would work out too well, if at all, if I chose the wheel, so that eliminated any choice that I had in my immediate surroundings.


    I went into my inventory. I really only had some mana and healing potions, the Depends, half a tube of IcyHot, and those creepy furry handcuffs. I was just too weirded out about the possibility of the handcuffs being attached to someone by accident, so I eliminated that choice. I didn¡¯t want to risk using a mana potion on my first try and waste it, I would definitely be needing those. That left me with the options of a half tube of IcyHot and the pack of Depends. I chose the Depends.


    The pack of Depends appeared in my hand. I hadn¡¯t noticed before, but the asshole interface had even put my own picture on the package. I was wearing a black shirt and had on the diaper a big smile on my face, giving off a vibe of isn¡¯t this great, I have a diaper on. I ripped open the package, pulled one of the diapers out, put the rest in my inventory, and placed the single diaper on the ground. The potion was nearing its end, with only 30 seconds remaining. I chugged it¨Cthe potion tasted like blue raspberry; it was pretty good. I pulled up my interface, I saw my mana had skyrocketed from 1750 to 3500. I gave a hard point towards the diaper my arm straight finger out, casting Animate Object on the Depends. A jolt of opaque black lightning shot from my finger, hitting the Depends. Seconds ticked by with nothing happening.


    The Depends lay motionless as I felt my ability to cast Animate Object disappear, as if the knowledge had been sucked from my mind. I pulled up my interface going to my abilities tab and saw it was no longer there, only my Light Orb remained. Flipping to my inventory, I saw a new item that looked like a letter. I clicked it, and the letter appeared in my hand. The letter was addressed to me as Kent (the guy who has not yet started Level 2 trivia) and had a red wax seal from the Wizard Code Enforcement Committee, with a hammer slamming down on a book looking like their official mascot. I opened the letter and read.


    ¡°Kent,


    Per 5.2 Subsectium b(i)A(3) of the WC, you have been found in violation of the spell Animate Object, defiling its intended use by trapping a god in a material form, creating a god-tier level familiar. Your spell, Animate Object, has hereby been revoked. If you wish to petition the council for spell reinstatement, you may do so on Level 7. All inquiries must be submitted to clerk Darsy on STANDARD FORM 212-b(REV. 1b-45-79) as prescribed in WC subpart 76.3(B)(i)(a)(3)(c) by Sol 76:9:00 to schedule a hearing. As this is your first violation, we hope this letter demonstrates to you just how serious this infraction is. Further acts of vagrant disregard for spells intended uses will result in increased punitive actions taken against you, including but not limited to death.


    Yours truly,


    Dolores Inviaduct


    Head Enforcer


    Wizard Code Enforcement Committee¡±


    ¡°What the fuck,¡± I said out loud.


    Is this some sort of joke? Not only did I not get a spell that could actually do direct damage to enemies, but it was taken away from me? I¡¯m going to die a horrible death; I just know it. William is going to beat all 30 levels and make the whole universe his personal cult. My thoughts were cut off as I heard a voice from below me.


    ¡°What is the meaning of this? How did I get here? Where am I?¡± said a voice from below. It sounded regal, pompous even.


    I looked down to see that the Depends diaper was now standing. It was now crotch side up in the air, using each side of the diaper, the part that would go around the waist, as legs the middle caving up slightly. I didn¡¯t know what I expected when I cast this spell on a diaper from my inventory, but I was still momentarily caught in shock.


    ¡°Hello? Can you hear me or are you just simple-minded?¡± the voice said again.


    The voice had definitely come from the diaper, as I now saw folds and creases making a mouth as it spoke. And it definitely sounded like a pompous asshole.


    ¡°Uh, um, who are you?¡± I said having trouble with my words.


    ¡°Who am I? WHO AM I? I am the God of Sanitation, of course,¡± the diaper said raising its voice.


    ¡°God of Sanitation? What is that?¡±


    ¡°God of Sanitation. Isn¡¯t that clear enough, you simpleton? How do you think things stay so clean around here? When you took a dump that one time in the tree room, what do you think happened to it? Where do you think all that waste goes? That is my domain. I was just dealing with a dire situation and my team needs their leader to do do our utmost duty to evacuate the lands of filth. Send me back at once! And number two, get me out of this mortal form. The thief will not be allowed to steal from me! Unless you are in cahoots,¡± the diaper said accusatorily.


    I let out a small laugh in response to the ¡°do do,¡± ¡°duty,¡± and ¡°evacuate.¡± I couldn¡¯t help it. I could see the diaper did not find my laugh amusing.


    ¡°Did I say something funny, boy? I¡¯ll only give you this one warning, peasant, to not laugh at me again. I¡¯ll have you know that two times I have made good on my threats. That is deuce times I have wiped away stink like you,¡± it said.


    ¡°You really don''t see what you are saying?¡± I said, holding back a chuckle. ¡°And I am not in cahoots with anyone.¡±


    ¡°I seem to be temporarily without my powers, as my attempt to wipe you from the face of this world and flush you down the proverbial drain has been thwarted. Free me at once!¡± it said.


    ¡°I don''t know how to free you,¡± I replied.


    ¡°Can¡¯t you just drop me off using your pool of magic? You must have a pool of magic and be a great and powerful wizard to cast a spell to summon a god. Or just pinch off the magic so I can plop back where I was?¡±


    This has to be intentional. I looked around in my interface, finding a new tab labeled Familiars but didn¡¯t see anything about releasing him. I kept looking, but there was nothing in my interface to free this so-called diaper god. The interface showed a picture of the diaper. Its title, stats, and abilities just had question marks instead of any information.


    ¡°I really don¡¯t see any way to free you. Do you even need freeing?¡± I said. ¡°Why don¡¯t you just go to wherever you need to go?¡± I said.


    ¡°Go? Like this? You really must have been plopped as a baby. That would explain your illogical statement. I can¡¯t go like this!¡± it said.


    ¡°Alright. That is enough on questioning my intelligence,¡± I said.


    I was usually a timid guy, but this place tested my patience.


    ¡°I can feel the magic of your spell. It nags at me, trying to force me to comply with your commands. Such a wimpy compulsion. Idiot! Nincompoop! I will send you to the very bowels of this world!¡± it said, starting to raise its voice again.


    This is just fucking great. I have summoned an asshole diaper.

 [ 13 ]

    ¡°Instead of trying to boss me around and be a total asshole, why don¡¯t you try and work together to figure this out? Do you really want to go back to what you were doing before? Do you think sitting here and whining about it is going to magically make it better?¡± I said exasperated.


    A pause came where neither of us spoke.


    ¡°You¡¯re right,¡± he said, bravado melting away. ¡°We must work together in order for you to serve me by returning me home.¡±


    I guess that¡¯s some sort of progress.


    Stercus, God of Campaign, Sanitation has partially accepted his fate of being your current familiar. User now has access to view familiar¡¯s info.


    ¡°This must be the closest to bottom I have ever been,¡± Stercus the diaper God of Campaign Sanitation, said.


    I started to feel bad for it, even with all the insults that had just been hurled my way. The diaper was just facing the ground, looking defeated. I pulled up my interface going to my Familiars tab. I could now see its title and level.


    [Stercus God of Campaign Sanitation [Level 3 ¨C Locked at user¡¯s level]]


    I could see its stats too. Perception was at 10, Athletics was at 5, Strength was at 7, Dexterity was at 6, and Constitution was at 42. I started to get a little pissed off when I got to the HP and Mana area. It had 75 health! 75! And I still only had 2. This goddamn Depends diaper had like 40 times my health.


    Scrolling down, I saw they had two abilities listed, my interface taking over.


    I didn¡¯t think your situation could get any weirder than it already was, but here you go surprising me. You have somehow trapped a god into a diaper, somewhat under your control. Your new familiar, Stercus, the God of Campaign Sanitation, has its stats, abilities, and other powers locked due to your level. Stercus currently has two abilities.


    Absorption - Absorption allows Stercus to absorb incoming liquids and gases.


    Minor Rift to Sanitation Department - At current level, this Minor Rift allows Stercus to open a small portal to the bowels of sanitation storage unleashing a torrent of pure filth.


    Why couldn¡¯t I just have gotten fireball? I looked at Stercus¡¯s sheet again seeing they had 60 mana. Absorption looked like it cost Stercus 10 mana, and Rift of Sanitation was 50. I had zero clue what Rift of Sanitation would really do. Unleashing a torrent of filth sounded like a terrible idea, and I was having trouble discerning how it could even be useful.


    ¡°Damn, you are pretty powerful. Any idea what this Absorption and Rift of Sanitation do?¡± I asked.


    ¡°Of course, I am powerful. I am a god, after all. Even without all my tools and being confined to this material mortal form with only part of a grain of sand worth of the vast desert of my power, I still have control over my domain. I seem to be limited to my powers based on your power. Therefore, I have resigned myself to get you higher level in order for you to increase my power. You shall also help me recover my stolen property,¡± Stercus said.


    ¡°Stolen property?¡± I asked.


    ¡°Yes. My Trip Lever of Absorption. One of your kind has stolen it.¡±


    ¡°And what exactly could they do with that?¡±


    ¡°A very great deal could be done with such a device! But it appears they¡¯ve taken to killing other players and absorbing their experience points.¡±


    A thought started to form in my mind. ¡°I don¡¯t suppose this guy¡¯s name is William?¡±


    I think my number one lieutenant did say the name William or something along those lines,¡± Stercus said. ¡°She said she would handle it.¡±


    ¡°Yep, I¡¯ve met the bastard. He probably killed my brother.¡±


    Saying the words out loud made it feel even more real. For some reason, hearing the statement out loud going into my own ears from my own voice inflicted an emotional response I wasn¡¯t prepared for.


    ¡°Good, good, then we have a common enemy,¡± Stercus said oblivious to what I was struggling with. ¡°I task you with the retrieval of my trip lever. It is the least you can do for the pain you have inflicted on me. I command it of you,¡± Stercus said.


    ¡°I¡¯m all for taking that guy down, but we are currently stuck in this level. A level where they don¡¯t let you talk to anyone else, so I assume we won¡¯t see anyone until we finish this trivia game,¡± I said.


    ¡°Trivia? Trivia about what?¡± Stercus asked.


    ¡°No idea. Should we give it a whirl?¡± I replied.


    ¡°Yes, I believe that to be in my best interest. I hereby grant you approval to proceed,¡± Stercus said.


    ¡°Why thank you,¡± I said with a bow, heavy sarcasm in my voice that Stercus didn¡¯t seem to pick up on.


    I walked up to the wheel, and as I stood within a few feet, Tap¡¯s face lit up, moving again.


    ¡°Are you ready to SPIN THAT WHEEL?¡± Tap said, the audience chanting along with him as he said, ¡°spin that wheel.¡±


    ¡°I guess so,¡± I muttered.


    ¡°Who in the above is this guy?¡± said Stercus.


    ¡°He is like the gameshow host. I have to answer trivia questions to get through to the next level. If I get them wrong, then we have to go into some sort of challenge,¡± I replied.


    ¡°I really should have paid attention to the others¡¯ job assignments,¡± Stercus said under his breath.


    Wait, did he have breath? He was a diaper after all. I stopped my train of thought there. If this was going to be the type of thing I got hung up on, I would be dissecting this place for years.


    ¡°I guess I¡¯m ready,¡± I said to Tap Shadejak.


    ¡°Alrighiiiittt. Let¡¯s SPIN THAT WHEEL!¡± Tap said, the crowd chanting once again.


    There were pins protruding around the wheel that I could grab onto to spin. I still didn¡¯t see any categories but near where I was standing was a white arrow that would bend as the wheel spun. I assume that is what would be selected. As I reached down and grabbed a pin, I started to see writing appear on the different slivers of potential landing spots. The print was small, and there were so many. Near my hand was Celebrity, Religion, Quantum Mechanics, Slogans, Animation, and Architecture. I didn¡¯t feel great about any of those categories.


    I gave the wheel a big spin. The wheel was a lot heavier than I thought it would be. The wheel spun, doing a full rotation around, now going for its second lap. It started to slow, the tic-tic of the arrow clicking on metal the only sound in the room, or void space, wherever the fuck I was.


    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    ¡°What¡¯s happening? I can¡¯t see,¡± Stercus said, fidgeting back and forth below me.


    ¡°It¡¯s still spinning. I don¡¯t know what our first round will be yet. Hold your horses,¡± I replied.


    It began to slow, and I saw it was in line for a cluster. It was heading for Art and Literature.


    ¡°Oh please no. Please no,¡± I pleaded to the wheel.


    It clicked past Art and Literature and landed on Fantasy Movies, but it was still heading towards the next spot, Classical Music. The arrow pushed against Classical Music, but then sprang back. The wheel had officially landed on Fantasy Movies.


    ¡°Holy shit. What are the odds of that?¡±


    ¡°What did you get?¡± asked Stercus.


    ¡°Fantasy movies.¡±


    ¡°Codswallop. Waste of time movies.¡±


    ¡°No no, you don¡¯t realize what this means. I just rolled a Nat 20 here. Like five Nat 20s.¡±


    Cue cards appeared in Tap Shadejak¡¯s hands as he began to speak.


    ¡°We have our first round here, folks, on TRIVIA OR FIGHT,¡± Tap said, the crowd roaring. ¡°Settle down, settle down,¡± Tap said waving off an invisible crowd. ¡°The category is, Fantasy Movies. Five questions for a chance to win shards,¡± the crowd chanted ¡°shards are supreme starting at Level 3.¡± ¡°Now on to your first question. Which movie features the phrase, ¡°Release the Kraken?¡± Tap said, staring at me expectantly.


    Shit, I don¡¯t know. It sure did sound familiar. An answer came to mind, so I replied, ¡°Clash of the Titans.¡±


    ¡°Correct!¡± Tap exclaimed. ¡°You now have 10 red shards!¡±


    As he spoke, a gameshow-esque sign appeared with exposed lightbulbs surrounding the number ten on a flip chart. A little red stone looking symbol was in the bottom right corner.


    ¡°Phew,¡± I said aloud.


    I really had no idea, never having seen Clash of the Titans, but it just sounded right when I heard it.


    My interface started talking displaying scrolling text.


    You have acquired your first shards! Shards are the currency of the campaign. It¡¯s pretty straightforward. Each shard has a value in increments of 100. 100 red shards make an orange, 100 orange to a yellow, 100 yellow to a green, 100 green to a blue, 100 blue to an indigo, and so on up to violet. Red shards have the least magic inside with violet having the most. Shards are used for both currency and may be used in a variety of tools.


    ¡°Straightforward?¡± I muttered as Tap began to speak.


    ¡°Now on to the next question! In Hellboy, directed by Guillermo del Toro, what does Liz have special powers over?¡±


    My wife loved Hellboy in college, watching it all the time.


    ¡°Fire,¡± I replied.


    ¡°Correct! You are now up to 25 red shards,¡± Tap said, the floating sign flipping until it read 25.


    ¡°Nice!¡± I exclaimed. ¡°Miss you, babe.¡±


    ¡°3<sup>rd</sup> question. Complete the quote ¡°I¡¯m wasted on cross country, we dwarves are-¡±¡±


    ¡°Natural sprinters,¡± I replied in my best Gimli voice.


    The Lord of the Rings trilogy were my favorite movies, and this was an iconic line from Gimli that would be one of the last things even my potential old Alzheimer¡¯s brain would forget.


    ¡°Correct!¡± Tap said as the floating sign flipped to read 45.


    ¡°4<sup>th</sup> question! To avenge his father''s murder, Inigo Montoya is searching for a man with what distinguishing feature?¡± Tap asked.


    ¡°The six-finger man!¡± I replied.


    The Princess Bride was a movie I had at least seen a few times. There were some really iconic lines in that movie.


    ¡°Correct!¡± Tap said as the floating sign flipped to read 70.


    This really wasn¡¯t that bad. If I kept getting trivia questions like this, I could breeze through Level 2.


    ¡°Question 5, in The Wizard of Oz (1939), what is the name of the wicked witch who tries to stop Dorothy from returning home?¡±


    ¡°The Wicked Witch of the West,¡± I replied.


    The sounds of bells dinging at different intervals, an air horn, and cheering filled my ears at my answer. The floating sign read 100 red shards.


    ¡°Nice work. Five for five. We¡¯ll be back right after this message,¡± Tap said freezing.


    A door appeared a few feet away from the wheel. It was just there, not connected to anything, just a door. I went over and opened it, revealing a bathroom. The bathroom had a layout like any men¡¯s bathroom in a gas station or restaurant, with a row of urinals and stalls. I went in heading to relive myself.


    Stercus ran past me going to a stall. He must have had to use the restroom badly or something. I didn¡¯t think they would have to, being in a diaper and all. You would actually think that would be a perk of being in that form. I heard a weird gurgling noise and walked over.


    Feces and god knows what started to back up into the toilet. I involuntarily took a step back worried that it was about to overflow. A face then appeared in the feces.


    ¡°My bowelness, I can¡¯t speak for long,¡± a voice said from between a few floating turds making a mouth. ¡°She is watching all communication, but I have her distracted for a few minutes.¡±


    ¡°What is happening, Urinae?¡± Stercus said.


    ¡°Number One Lieutenant Cacaseen has betrayed you, my bowelness. She has been conspiring against you. She has besmirched your name, stating you are weak and incompetent for losing the great trip lever. Being your ever-faithful servant, my bowelness, I looked into it myself and found that it was her who stole it from you and gave it to a user.¡±


    ¡°So, she is the one who gave it to this user?¡± Stercus said.


    ¡°Yes, his name is William. I can set up passage to get you near him, but I am sorry, that is the most I can do without her finding out. You must secure your trip lever to regain the Bowelers¡¯ trust. I have already shrouded where you are and am compiling evidence to support you on your return. Cacaseen planned all of this. She set it up so that you would send her on a quest that would send her to the user in material form. She made sure the user you are with now received this spell and placed you right in the path to be trapped in a weakened form. She had planned for you to be trapped and William to destroy you using your own trip lever, but this user was more cunning than she thought.¡±


    The toilet bubbled pieces of who knows what floating around. I almost gagged.


    ¡°William is a user most vile, my bowelness. She has also given him other trinkets. Don¡¯t underestimate him, especially in your current form. The armor he now possesses is imbued with the trip lever, allowing him to absorb experience from dead users, creatures, and others. You must not only regain the trip lever, you must also help this user reach level 20. If he dies, you die. Forever, my bowelness. Once he is level 20, you should have enough power to regain your throne. I believe if you die, you will come back as long as the user is alive. I must go. Reach out to me again once you are able to get another connection. I feel this one soon fading.¡±


    The feces and other mystery materials flushed themselves away, replaced by clean water. A timer appeared on the bathroom wall, blinking and counting down from two minutes.


    ¡°I knew she was ambitious, but mutinous, I never would have guessed!¡± Stercus exclaimed.


    As I stepped out of the bathroom, Tap began to speak.


    ¡°Welcome back to TRIVIA OR FIGHT!¡± Tap said, the crowd cheering. ¡°We are onto round 2. Stay tuned to see what our next category will be!¡±


    I went up and spun the wheel. It ticked and ticked, going around the board. It started slowing down. It was heading right toward Chemistry.


    ¡°Oh God,¡± I breathed.


    But though losing speed, she still had some momentum left. Chemistry passed steadily by¨Cthe pointer ticked over into Physics.


    ¡°Please God,¡± I begged.


    Slowly, the board kept spinning, gliding gently past Physics and into The Whedonverse.


    ¡°God?¡± I asked, surprised as much as anybody.


    The wheel continued to spin, crawling, painfully, oh so painfully, across the thin expanse of The Whedonverse and all my hopes and dreams. It ticked over. Geometry.


    ¡°Fuck!¡±


    Cards appeared again in Tap¡¯s hands. This was going to be horrible. Could I survive getting all the questions wrong? Tap wasted no time diving into the first question.


    ¡°Question number one is on K?hler Geometry,¡± Tap said.


    I didn¡¯t even know much about geometry, let alone whatever K?hler was. I hoped K?hler was German for Kindergarten or something.


    I also knew Kiwi wouldn¡¯t be any help here.


    ¡°Fill in the blank. A K?hler manifold is a blank manifold equipped with an integrable almost-complex structure J?¡±


    ¡°Oh, dear god,¡± I said aloud. ¡°Was that even English?¡±


    ¡°Is that your final answer?¡± Tap said.


    ¡°No,¡± I replied quickly.


    ¡°I am going to need an answer,¡± Tap said in a stereotypical pushy gameshow fashion.


    I didn¡¯t know what to do. There was no way I could survive getting all these answers incorrect.


    ¡°It¡¯s Symplectic, you dimwit,¡± Stercus said.


    ¡°Symplectic,¡± I said without thinking twice, repeating him.


    ¡°Correct!¡± Tap said, 110 red shards showing on the flip display.


    ¡°How the hell did you know that?¡± I asked Stercus. ¡°And thank you. You saved my hide on this one.¡±


    ¡°All this you see around you that you think was made by magic is all just a collection of basic math and calculations. It¡¯s actually quite-¡± Stercus said, being cut off by Tap.


    ¡°Question two. In a 30-60-90 triangle, the length of the hypotenuse is 6. What is the length of the shortest side?¡± Tap said.


    ¡°3,¡± Stercus said.


    ¡°3,¡± I said to Tap.


    ¡°Correct!¡± Tap said.


    ¡°Question three. What is the area of a circle with a diameter of 16?¡± Tap said.


    ¡°64 ¦Ð,¡± Stercus said.


    ¡°64 ¦Ð,¡± I repeated.


    ¡°Correct!¡± Tap said.


    ¡°Question four. What is the sum of the measures of the interior angles of a hexagon?¡±


    ¡°720 degrees,¡± Setercus said quickly.


    ¡°720 degrees,¡± I said.


    ¡°Correct!¡± Tap said.


    ¡°Now onto our final question. You are watching TRIVIA OR FIGHT!¡± Tap said, the crowd cheering. ¡°What is the area of a circle in terms of ¦Ð, whose diameter is 16 cm?¡±


    ¡°64 ¦Ð cm2,¡± Stercus said.


    ¡°64 ¦Ð cm2,¡± I repeated for the final time.


    ¡°Correct!¡± Tap said.


    The sounds of bells dinging at different intervals, an air horn, and cheering filled my ears yet again at my answer. The floating sign read 200 red shards.


    ¡°Nice work. Five for five. Onto the final round,¡± Tap said.

 [ 14 ]

    I spun the wheel. It ticked and ticked until it landed on Sci-Fi TV shows.


    ¡°Yes!¡± I exclaimed.


    Cards appeared in Tap¡¯s hands. Our mom had made us watch the Sci-Fi classics growing up, but I knew there were a lot that I really knew nothing about.


    ¡°Question number one. The Horta from ¡®The Devil in the Dark¡¯ was a lifeform that was based on what element and not carbon like life on Earth?¡±


    Oh shit, I have no idea what any of this is. Beyond that, I don¡¯t even know what show this was for. I paused for a few seconds racking my brain, my memories coming up blank, if the knowledge had ever been there. Above Tap¡¯s head, a new thing popped into existence. A countdown timer read 15 seconds and was counting down. It was now down to five seconds, and I couldn¡¯t think of anything.


    ¡°Fungi,¡± I said, my voice not portraying confidence.


    A descending, sad chime sounded clearly, denoting that I got the question wrong.


    ¡°I am sorry, that is incorrect. This question comes from Star Trek: The Original Series when the Enterprise crew learns of the Horta (''''The Devil in the Dark'' ¨C Season 1, Episode 25). These are silicon-based lifeforms that look like glowing mounds of lava and live deep under the surface of planet Janus VI. As you have given an incorrect answer, you must enter a challenge at the conclusion of the round. As a reminder, the more questions you answer incorrectly, the harder the challenge will be.¡±


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    ¡°Fuck,¡± I said out loud.


    ¡°I command you to do better!¡± Stercus exclaimed.


    ¡°Question 2, what planet is said to be the nearest planet to Earth with a working Stargate?¡±


    Oh, I knew my Stargate. One of my favorite shows.


    ¡°Abydos,¡± I replied.


    ¡°Correct!¡± Tap said. ¡°Question 3, what was the name of the humans¡¯ fighter ships called in Battlestar Galacticia?¡±


    I hadn¡¯t really seen this show, neither the newer one nor the original, but I knew enough that the answer popped in my head.


    ¡°Colonial Vipers,¡± I replied.


    ¡°Correct!¡± Tap said again. ¡°Question 4, in the TV show Firefly, what is another name for the Independents (such as Mal and Zoe) who fought against the Alliance in the Unification War.¡±


    ¡°Browncoats,¡± I replied, a smile on my face.


    Another classic show I was raised on. I was nervous about having to enter a challenge at the end of the round, but I was feeling good having gotten these questions.


    ¡°Final question number 5. Who was the Vorlon Ambassador to Babylon 5?¡±


    ¡°Kosh,¡± I replied.


    ¡°Correct!¡± Tap said.


    I had forgotten about the shard flip display, having been so engrossed in the questions. It now read 312 red shards. I wasn¡¯t sure how it came up with the 2, but maybe I got partial points for that missed one earlier. I also had no idea if 312 shards was a lot or not.


    Hey Kiwi, I thought, is 312 shards enough to buy a pack of gum?


    <I''m sorry. I am not at liberty to say.>


    ¡°You have received 312 red shards and have completed round 3! As you had one incorrect answer, you will now be sent on your challenge set at challenge rating 1. Stay tuned. What will happen to our intrepid participant? Will they survive Level 2 Round 3? Only one goal for this round. User must reach the obelisk on the planet Xeroth to complete the round,¡± Tap said now frozen.


    My vision went completely dark.

 [ 15 ]

    ¡°Captain, they¡¯re gaining on us!¡± said a frantic voice from behind me.


    I heard the sound of whirling alarms. I could tell I was seated. I was jostled as if in a car that got hit from the side. How many times am I going to get knocked out in this place?


    ¡°What the fuck is this now?¡± I said, my vision still black.


    My vision came back like turning on a light switch in a dark room, if the dark room was the helm of a spaceship. I looked around and saw that I was indeed standing on the bridge of an Enterprise-esque ship. I sat in a large captain¡¯s chair, a series of buttons on each of the arm rests. There were three stations in front of the large screen, which currently only showed the vastness of space and distant stars. Stercus was on the far left in the helmsman chair.


    ¡°What is this nonsense?¡± Stercus declared.


    In the middle area, there was a woman wearing a lime green onesie, and on the far right was a man wearing a purple onesie. Their outfits looked like a cross between Starfleet and Teletubbies. Yeah, Teletubbies. The onesies were bright in color and also seemed to be a little fuzzy.


    ¡°Captain, what are your orders?¡± said the frantic voice again from behind me.


    I turned to look behind me and saw a few more stations on a slightly elevated area of the bridge. They reminded me of where communications and Spock would hangout. The lady that spoke looked like Sigourney Weaver from Galaxy Quest.


    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± I said to the woman.


    ¡°Sir, look! I have one job on this lousy ship, it''s stupid, but I''m gonna do it! Okay? So, I would appreciate it if you listened when I relay ship messages.¡±


    ¡°Uh, okay, sorry. So, wait. What is going on?¡± I said, confused and taken aback by her response.


    We stared at each other for a few moments. I faintly heard a robotic computer voice coming from her station. Why she needed to relay what the ship computer said was beyond me. Maybe it was a union thing.


    ¡°The Chrom Riders are gaining on us, sir,¡± she finally said, her message a lot shorter than the time implied.


    Just then, the spaceship was rocked by a blast. I shook in my seat.


    ¡°Shields are down to 70%, captain,¡± a different voice said.


    The giant screen in front of us flickered, and it was now showing video feed from behind us. A giant chrome spaceship was on our tail. It looked sleek, kinda like the ship in those shitty Star Wars prequels that Queen Amidala rode in. I am no Star Wars nerd, but I think it was called a Naboo Starship or something along those lines. Unimportant. It was sleek, it was chrome, and it was a spaceship.


    ¡°Evasive maneuvers!¡± I shouted.


    It seemed like a pretty space captain thing to say until I realized it was Stercus who was behind the wheel, and he had no arms. I looked over to see Stercus wrap his diaper form around the controls, which looked like a steering wheel and a forward and backward lever. As Stercus took the controls, the ship lurched hard to the right. I watched as the Sigourney Weaver clone took a hard fall, tumbling down the stairs to the lower level next to me. I moved to get up to help her out of reflex, but others were quicker, rushing to her aid. My attention was turned back to the front as I heard insane giggling. It was creepy. I looked over to see who it was, seeing Stercus having the time of his life steering the ship.


    ¡°Who knew the campaign could be this fun!¡± Stercus exclaimed as he laughed, the ship lurching again.


    The next few moments were chaos. I was holding onto dear life to my fancy armchair as Stercus did maneuvers that Starfleet would be excited to learn.


    But we kept getting hit.


    ¡°Shields are down to 10%, captain,¡± said a voice from behind me.


    The final blast came jolting the ship forward. The lights went off for a second, emergency lights coming on dimly lighting the bridge.


    ¡°Reports from all decks, captain. Multiple hull breaches. Life support and emergency backups barely holding on,¡± said a voice from behind me.


    ¡°Captain! I have reports from decks 5 through 8 of major breaches. A large boarding party has been reported on floor 6,¡± another voice said.


    ¡°Get this ship up and running. We¡¯ll go face them,¡± I said.


    I¡¯m not sure where I got the confidence. Maybe it was from being in the role of captain, even if it was pretend, but I headed to the elevator with Stercus waddling next to me. We went in, and the elevator closed behind us. I selected the six button. The elevator was oddly quiet as we stood waiting. It stopped, and the doors opened to utter action movie level pandemonium. There were ten or so people dressed in onesie uniforms the same style as the ones on the bridge. They had laser pistols in their hands and were shooting towards a group of what could best be described as chrome terminator robots. Not Arnold Schwarzenegger, but the actual T800 robots. A chrome robot picked up a crew member and chucked them across the room towards us. I ducked as they hit a pillar and split in half, blood spraying. The hallway was in shambles, sparks showering from different damaged parts in the walls and ceiling.


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    Not for the first time, I was momentarily frozen in shock. Only the elevator doors starting to close prompted me to move. My dazed stroll pace transformed into moving as fast as my skinny legs could take me as a chunk of metal flew overhead smashing into the elevator behind me. I had no idea where the chunk of metal had come from.


    Stercus and I took position with another crew member who was hiding behind a fallen metal panel. I took a peek around the panel, seeing the robots marching towards us. There were at least twenty of them. Either by not having any or not, I didn¡¯t know, but they didn¡¯t seem to have any ranged attacks like this crew did. My crew did? On the right side of the hall was a series of windows to the outside. I took a glance, seeing my reflection in the window. I was in a onesie like the crew. I had a gold star on my chest. Looking down, I saw I was still wearing my robes.


    The robots got closer and closer taking out one crew member after the other. It took a great deal of blasts before a robot was taken down. The time since I had been here only a couple robots were now laying on the ground. A big difference from the many strewn humans littering the hall. The robots started to approach our spot, and I realized it was just us and the last living crew member in the hall next to us.


    Not to my surprise, I reached for a laser pistol from a fallen crew member, but my hand went right through it like it wasn¡¯t there. They were getting really close then.


    ¡°Close your eyes!¡± I shouted.


    I needed to make a break for it. I sent out my Light Orb. From my point of view, the brightness ticked up a couple notches and then went back to normal. It was all that I had that I could do. I took a glance, and the robots seemed unfazed. God damn it. It didn¡¯t do anything but blind the guy next to us, even after I shouted to close his eyes. I really needed to stop using this spell.


    I smelled it before I saw it as Stercus opened a rift. A swirling, brown-colored portal appeared. For a second, nothing happened. Then a jet stream of liquid shit blasted out, knocking the robots down and sending them sliding down the hall. The stream was roaring and concentrated, barely tapering off, shooting down the long hallway and hitting the far wall. The stream stopped as the portal closed with a pop. Liquid brown covered the entire hall, with chunks of mystery sewage splattered around. The stench hit me fully, and man, was it horrific. Indescribable pure filth.


    While what Stercus did was impressive, it didn¡¯t seem to do anything but push the robots back. They started to get back to their feet. I grabbed the crew member¡¯s arm and pulled him with us, going the opposite way of the robots down the hall. We ran, twisting and turning as I guided the blind and deaf crew member. I had no idea where I was going. It really was the blind leading the blind. I turned back, seeing Stercus waddling behind me, doing his best to keep up in his diaper form. It was then made abundantly clear I had no idea where I was going as we hit a dead end with a single open door. I heard a large smash and looked over to see I was no longer holding the crew member. Well, I was holding the crew members arm, but that is all I was holding. I saw the robot behind us still in an overhead throwing pose, having just tossed a large metal crate at us. The crew member was now lodged a few feet into the metal floor, eyes dead.


    That was too close.


    I dropped the arm and went through the open door. I pressed a button on the wall, which I was glad I guessed correctly, and it started to close. It was closing so god damn slow. The robots charged down the hall, the door barely closing in time. I thought I would see the robots pounding on the door, breaking in, but there was nothing but silence.


    I turned and looked around the room. We were in a botany lab, or whatever space people would call a room with plants all around and different analyzing tools.


    ¡°This way!¡± Stercus said, heading towards a door.


    Stercus opened the door, and it revealed a bathroom.


    ¡°A bathroom? How is that going to help us?¡± I said.


    How did I get so lucky to have a familiar companion whose most useful contributions are sending out shit blasts and having a sense of where the toilets were? Stercus rubbed the metal bowl, and it filled with sewage, a face made of feces appearing.


    ¡°I am glad to see you are alright. She knows something is up, but I believe this channel to be secured. William has been killing user after user, waiting until the last minute to move onto level 2. He is by many magnitudes now the most powerful user in all the campaign. I worry that what is going on will be looked into and they will pull you from existence, my bowelness. I have not reported it to anyone,¡± the face said.


    ¡°Wise choice. We can take care of this on our own. Have you been able to secure a tunnel?¡± Stercus said.


    ¡°I have. I can set it up now. He is currently sleeping in his camp. At least he was a few hours ago. I have stolen the device that imbued the armor, which can unimbue it. Press it down against the armor and it will be removed. He is much more powerful even without the device than both of you, so I would not engage him. Get out as quickly as you can. I will leave the tunnel open, and it will close upon your return.¡±


    The face separated and the toilet flushed, leaving the bowl sparkling clean, quite the contrast from the filth that was in it moments before. As I was staring at the toilet bowl, something shot out from the water. I caught it in midair instinctively. It was just like this game to let me roll well with my shitty stats when it comes to catching a toilet roll holder. Yes, it was a dripping wet toilet roll holder. Just a plain chrome run of the mill, put your toilet paper on holder. I pressed it down and felt its spring.


    The water in the toilet started sloshing until it gained enough momentum to begin spinning. There I was, staring down at a swirling torrent of water coming from a toilet, all while holding a chrome toilet roll holder that was supposedly a magic item. My interface didn¡¯t even recognize it as anything. A magic item that I was supposed to use to go into a murderous lunatic¡¯s camp to get back a lever, the purpose of which I still didn¡¯t fully grasp.


    There was a big problem with the plan. I didn¡¯t want to do it.

 [ 16 ]

    You would think that going after the guy who most likely killed my brother would be motivating. It was actually the opposite. I have a family that needs me, and the idea of going into the lair of a mass murderer had no appeal. What finally convinced me was the thought that we could slow down his murderous rampage, or at least make it less enticing for him. If we stole the trip lever, his armor could no longer absorb the experience from dead users. I felt a moral obligation to slow him down from killing others and getting more powerful, hopefully giving someone with a good heart a chance to win this messed-up game. Someone with a good heart who would bring us all back. Or at least the ones trapped.


    The toilet swirled. The water moved more and more rapidly, splashing out until it swirled a few feet above the toilet, something unseen keeping the water contained. The center of the swirl opened, revealing a dark hole at the bottom.


    ¡°As my current form makes handling things difficult with the whole no appendages thing, I command you to do the retrieval for me. I will, of course, allow you to be in my presence while we are there,¡± Stercus said.


    ¡°Okay, let¡¯s do this,¡± I said. ¡°Wait, what do I do?¡±


    ¡°You just jump in. The tunnel will do the rest. We will sneak up to this William fellow, take my trip lever, and return to finish this trial.¡±


    I nodded. Stercus was putting on a brave front, but I could tell they were anxious.


    ¡°Ready?¡± I said, taking a deep breath.


    ¡°Enter!¡± Stercus bellowed.


    I jumped headfirst into the torrent of water. I could hear Stercus speaking as I was sucked in, something about how I was supposed to go feet first.


    The next thing I knew, my head crashed into hard, cold tile. I held in any noise trying to escape. I sat up, feeling my face. It was wet with blood and already starting to feel puffy. I saw that I had taken 1HP of damage, so I popped one of the healing pills.


    It was dark, almost pitch dark. Twilight-like light was coming from the open door. My eyes adjusted, and I saw I was in what looked like a prison bathroom. The toilet reminded me of what I had seen in TV shows and movies, with the metal toilet and metal sink combo.


    The water was spinning like it was in the spaceship bathroom we had come from, but in the opposite direction. Luckily, it was completely silent. As I stared, Stercus flew out from the toilet portal high into the air, then fluffed out his form, allowing him to float slowly to the ground, landing gracefully.


    ¡°Why are you sitting on the floor?¡± they whispered.


    ¡°Had a rough landing,¡± I replied quietly.


    ¡°Didn¡¯t I tell you to go feet first?¡±


    ¡°You might¡¯ve left that part out.¡±


    ¡°Well, ask better questions, my boy.¡±


    I got up and tiptoed to the doorframe. I could see there was another door to the left, and I peeked my head around to the right. I jumped in shock, seeing what my brain finally realized was just a statue. It looked familiar. It was a large statue of a goat figure holding up a finger and thumb like doing a finger gun to the sky. It had that five-pointed devil star thing on its forehead, with large horns going high. Moonlight was spilling in from a large stained-glass window, the same devil star taking up the stained-glass decor.


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    There was an altar in front of the goat statue, blood covering it and the floor. We were in a short hallway that had two doors: one to the bathroom we were just in and the other unknown. The unknown door had a pair of boots that left a trail of blood towards the altar. We walked down the hall, following the blood boot trail. I hadn¡¯t noticed it before, but there was a naked middle-aged woman on the altar, a large knife in her general heart area. She had one leg draped over the side, unmoving. She didn¡¯t seem frozen like the other dead people I had seen before on Level 1. She looked dead, dead, not frozen.


    This place was literal hell. It looked like a sacrificial chamber to some evil god. Or the devil himself. Color was hard to discern with the faint light and stained glass diffusion, but everything was either stone or red either by design or by blood. I walked down the center. There were pews on either side and a stretch of red carpet leading to the statue and altar. As I got closer, I felt my boots squish into the carpet. Looking down I saw the carpet was soaked in blood. I stopped close enough to see the cross next to the woman.


    Nanie Doss


    Fort Collins, Colorado


    Sacrificed by William Hunter


    I looked around and didn¡¯t see another door connected to this fucked up chamber room. I knew he had to be where the shoes were. I didn¡¯t even know why I had bothered to come over here.


    We walked back to the short hallway, and I stood in front of the door. My heart was beating so loud I was worried he could hear me coming.


    ¡°Get on with it,¡± Stercus whispered next to me.


    I hadn¡¯t realized I had been stuck for so long. I slowly turned the door handle, a small squeak sounding out. I paused, waiting to see if there was any sound of movement on the other side. I didn¡¯t hear any, so I continued to turn the handle until it was all the way. I slowly pushed the door open, taking a peek through the slit. It looked like a vampire¡¯s bedroom, just without the coffin, or maybe it looked like Lucifer¡¯s childhood room. Yeah, that was it. There was a large, ornate four-post bed with another giant stained glass window behind the bed with the devil star. All the walls were painted crimson, with tapestries hanging that didn¡¯t depict anything nice.


    I opened up the door wide enough for me to get through. My heart was thumping so loud. If William woke up, we would both be done for. Well, maybe Stercus could make it out of here while William was slaughtering me. That was something he would probably do without a second thought if it wasn¡¯t for that toilet guy saying he would die if I died.


    I slowly walked towards the bed the toilet roll holder in hand. He looked peaceful, a seemingly innocent old man lying in bed. My innocent description went away when I saw his glasses resting on a small nightstand. A nightstand made of bones. Just the tops of his armor could be seen the rest under the blanket. Lucky for me, the bastard was sleeping in his armor. I was really hoping he had it draped over a chair.


    I looked back to see Stercus waiting by the door. I didn¡¯t need its help right now, I guess, but the bastard looked like they were going to bolt at any moment. I put my attention back on William, who was slowly getting closer. He moved, and I ducked down lower than the mattress. He made some sleep grunts, and then he was still. After a moment, I got back to my feet and stood over him again.


    He was now laying on his stomach, his face facing mine. I could see about a foot of armor not covered by bedding. I reached over and pressed the toilet roll holder down on the armor below his neck. I pressed the holder all the way down until it was fully pressed. I heard a click from his armor from down below under the sheets.


    ¡°Shit,¡± I mouthed.


    It sounded like it worked, but now the trip lever was somewhere under the covers. I went to the bottom of the bed and started lifting the covers up and peeling them back. I wished in that moment that I could use my Light Orb spell as it was intended. I couldn¡¯t see a damn thing. I peeled the covers back further and further until I was past his waist. It smelled like old people farts, but I pushed through the smell. There it was, glinting off the dim light. It was a standard lever that you would press on a toilet. As I went to grab it, he started to move. I looked up to see William blinking his eyes open, now staring at me. I grabbed for the trip lever clutching it in my hand.


    ¡°What the hell?¡± William exclaimed behind me in shock.


    I turned and started to make a run for it as I placed the trip lever into my inventory.


    In front of me, the orcs started to materialize in the shadows. I pushed through but one fully materialized in my path and our shoulders collided, my low strength sending me spinning to the ground. Another orc grabbed me by my throat, picking me up and held me, a few inches off the ground. I lifted my hand to send out a Light Orb, but another orc came in front and grabbed my wrists. The orc twisted until my wrists broke. I cried out, a choked cry.


    Fuck. I was going to die.

 [ 17 ]

    My vision was clouded with blackness as the orc choked me.


    ¡°What were you trying to do? Whatever it was, it looked like you failed. Pitiful, just like your coward brother. Well, you have made this quite convenient for me. I usually have to go to my prey instead of them coming to me. I also have to thank you; you know for reminding me that I had a camp earlier. I would have never found the altar. I¡¯ll let you have a closer look here in just a sec¨C¡± William said before he was cut off.


    Next thing I knew, I was on all fours, coughing a few inches of filth on the ground. I looked behind me to see Stercus in the doorway, the shit rift closing with a pop.


    ¡°Get up you fool,¡± Stercus yelled.


    I got to my feet stumbling to the door. Glancing behind me, I saw that William had taken the full force of the jet but was already on his feet. His orcs still lay strewn on the ground. We turned the corner to the bathroom when I heard an exclamation of pain. I turned around to see William in a throwing pose, Stercus in the air, before me a glowing red knife in him. There was no doubt the knife would have struck me instead. As Stercus hit the ground, he vanished. I kept running, falling into the spinning water.


    I was back on the spaceship bathroom, this time sprawled on the floor. I don¡¯t know how, with two broken wrists, but I was only down 1HP. I clicked the pill bottle in my inventory, and the pill appeared in my hand. I had never broken a bone before this point, and damn did this hurt. I pushed through the pain only knowing that relief would come with the pill. My hands swung limply and unnaturally as I raised the pill to my mouth. As I swallowed the pill, my wrists straightened out, and I yelled out in pain.


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    Once I caught my breath and forgot about the pain, I looked around. I didn¡¯t see Stercus. The water in the toilet made a bubbling noise as it stopped spinning and splashed to the ground.


    I opened my interface and went to my abilities tab. It showed ¡°summon familiar,¡± with Stercus greyed out for 47 hours, 57 minutes, and 32 seconds counting down.


    In that moment, I was really happy that my robes were self-cleaning, having seen William chasing us plastered with filth. I let out an involuntary laugh, thinking back to William covered in shit. It wasn¡¯t that funny, but I still laughed, a delirious laugh. While I knew Stercus only saved me out of self-preservation, I was still thankful. I would probably be dead right now without them.


    ¡°Captain!¡± a voice said coming from my chest.


    ¡°What is it?¡± I said.


    ¡°Captain! Can you hear me?¡± the voice said again.


    In Star Trek, they always had to touch their insignia. I reached for where I saw mine was in my reflection and heard a chime.


    ¡°What is it?¡± I said again.


    ¡°Captain, I am glad to hear you are alive. The crew is being overwhelmed. They are making their way to engineering. They must be after our Beryllium Sphere.¡±


    Well, I guess I needed to figure out how to get to this planet and having something taken from engineering didn¡¯t seem like it was going to help me. I walked to the door, took a deep breath, and pressed the button to open the door.


    I got this, I thought.


    The door slid open revealing multiple robots standing outside waiting.


    The last thing I saw was a metal fist to my head.

 [ 18 ]

    I woke up to a blinking notification. It said something about head trauma, but I wasn¡¯t so sure, which probably confirmed the message. I had gotten pretty quick at going into my inventory, selecting the bottle, opening it, throwing a pill back, then putting the bottle back in my inventory. Even in my brain addled state, my body went on autopilot completing the task. I couldn¡¯t have too many pills left. I needed to look next time I was safe. These pills were so valuable, having no potion toxicity.


    As my vision cleared, I realized I was on my knees, with a robot on each side of me holding my shoulders keeping me upright. I looked around, I was on the bridge of a large ship. It looked like the bridge of a Star Destroyer from Star Wars. Before me stood a beautiful woman in a red dress, resembling the human looking-robot from the newer Battlestar Galactica. Next to her was a guy who looked a lot like Jayne from Firefly.


    ¡°I¡¯ve never caught a captain before,¡± she said with amusement in her voice.


    I didn¡¯t know how I was going to get out of this one. I knew I had to lean on Charisma.


    ¡°I am no captain,¡± I said. ¡°I, uh, I am here about an extended warranty opportunity,¡± I gulped. ¡°Did you know this ship, the robots, the weapons, and all this gear all have warranties? Warranties that my records show are all about to expire. I think you should really look into extending your warranties. With warranties if anything happens to your robots, the ship, and everything else they will be replaced or repaired.¡±


    ¡°Warranties? I¡¯ve never heard of such a thing. Who repairs them?¡± She said.


    ¡°They do, of course,¡± he said before I had to make something up.


    ¡°Yes, so I am here to see if you want to extend your warranties. This would extend coverage in case anything is broken or damaged. Like he said you give us a call and I send someone out who will get it back up and running. How many shards do you have?¡± I said quickly at the end to try and avoid any more questions.


    ¡°Shards? We¡¯ve collected around 10,000 red shards from our recent raids. It has no meaning to us,¡± she said waving her hand dismissively.


    ¡°Good that is perfect. You guys look like a great couple of entrepreneurs. We have a secret special right now. Usually, it costs 25,000 red shards and that would only get you two additional years. But, right now, I can get you an additional five years at a discounted price if you act now. 10,000 red shards for five years. Just don''t tell my boss about this great deal I''m giving you,¡± I said.


    I saw the opaque cartoon bubble hearts floating over both of their heads. They were a much deeper color for him than for her, but hers still had some color.


    ¡°Sounds smart,¡± he said with a shrug nodding and relaxing.


    ¡°Don¡¯t be so hasty you idiot. Maybe we can get a better price,¡± she said, whispering to him. ¡°Would you take 8,000 red shards?¡± She said to me, a smile on her face.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I can¡¯t go lower than 9,000,¡± I replied.


    ¡°You have a deal,¡± she said enthusiastically.


    ¡°Good. I¡¯ll get those shards to the front office, and Janice will stop by shortly to drop off the new warranty. She is waiting for us at planet Xeroth. Can you get me there? Then we can get your extended warranties started.¡±


    ¡°Escort these two to the transport room. You two will go with him to ensure the paperwork goes through. Don¡¯t give him payment until everything is complete,¡± she said.


    ¡°It¡¯s been a pleasure doing business with you,¡± I said with a bow. ¡°You won¡¯t be disappointed. The peace of mind alone, knowing you are protected, will be a great weight lifted off you in coming raids.¡±


    The two robots started pushing me out of the room. I could probably just lift my feet up, and they would just shoulder carry man handle me. I was led through zigzagging corridors until we entered a room. The room was empty besides the Stargate-looking circular device.


    Are you kidding me with this shit? Did you hear the B-S coming out of your mouth? You should be being tortured right now. There was this automated thrusting machine. It¡¯s a thing of beauty. All skipped for what? An extended warranty? But really man you gotta up your game. As a reminder, some of your charm ability is in your words. We might need an update to make it weighted even more with this bogus stuff you have been slinging. I¡¯ll submit a ticket.


    I hadn¡¯t heard from my asshole interface in a while, and I didn¡¯t want to admit it, but I missed it now in my solitude.


    We stood in front of the massive device, with a desk holding an old-school computer. The text on the screen was green like in the matrix, but it wasn¡¯t dramatically falling downward. A keyboard with strange symbols lay in front of the screen, with the keyboard buttons being pressed by an invisible force. A code sequence glowed on the screen in front of the device. After the seventh image was selected, a portal exploded out. I instinctively tried to duck, but the robots still had a death grip on my shoulders. The robots dragged me towards the shimmering water like portal.


    ¡°Halt!¡± a voice from behind me yelled.


    The voice sounded sinister, like a woman¡¯s voice, accompanied by a high-pitched chittering.


    I turned to see a frightening creature, an oh my god I just shit myself level of frightening creature. It stood at least 10 feet tall, with a carapace like an alien from the movie ¡°Aliens,¡± having the same glossy black, but it was in the shape of a female form. From the neck down, her form was mostly human, except for a long, thick tail. Her, or it, or whatever I should call its head was a different story. It had a normal-shaped human head with the same glossy black carapace, but straight, pure white hair. If you put the hair on a human, it might look normal, maybe even cool. But on this head, it just added to the eerie white and black contrasts which leads me to its eyes. It had larger-than-normal pure white eyes that sat above a large mouth. And Jesus fucking Christ the mouth was frightening. Her mouth, and continuing to stare now I am officially landing on her, took up the bottom half of her face, with lips curled back to reveal rows and rows of gleaming white teeth, connected by thick strands of mucus.


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    I blurted out something involuntarily, a sound I don¡¯t think I could even spell. I just stared at her. All instincts of flight or fight were replaced by a rabbit¡¯s freeze.


    ¡°What is the meaning of this? Take this prisoner to the breeding chamber immediately,¡± she said the high-pitched chittering making the hairs on my neck stand up.


    For a second, the robots didn¡¯t move, and I thought for a fleeting moment that they would disobey her. The shimmering portal was within a few feet of me, but my struggles were useless. I thought about using a Light Orb, but I knew all too well from experience that they didn¡¯t do anything to the robots. I needed to bide my time. Even before my decision was made, the robots were already leading me behind her. As she walked down the long hallway, her large tail swished behind her, drops of drool splashing on the floor. I was just happy she didn¡¯t have acid spit.


    I was led down zigzagging hallway after zig zagging hallway that I tried my best to keep track of so I could make it back to the room with the portal if I ever escaped. We finally slowed as we approached a door. Oddly enough, there was a sign that clearly labeled it as The Queens Breeding Chamber 74.


    As we stood in the hall in front of the doorway, I heard the pattering of feet from down the hallway, catching everyone¡¯s attention. It was the woman in the red dress from earlier who had just made a deal of a lifetime with me. She came running and fell onto her knees in front of the carapaced woman.


    ¡°Queen Xeno, we didn¡¯t expect your arrival. I apologize for not greeting you myself,¡± she said, head down voice quavering. ¡°The breeding chamber and all your regular accommodations should all be in clean working order.¡±


    ¡°You are a sad captain who doesn¡¯t know who is on their ship. Not only who, but what,¡± she said, turning to look at me, the chittering all the worse as we made close eye contact.


    ¡°Him? He is no one. A run-of-the-mill-human,¡± she said, disdain in her voice.


    ¡°Silence! Can you not sense his power? His potential,¡± she said as she stretched. The chittering was so loud, I had trouble making out her words.


    ¡°I sense nothing, your excel-¡± she said cut off as Queen Xeno¡¯s tail whipped out, slicing her head clean off.


    Shit. I¡¯m not going to be fucking with this lady. I¡¯ve got to use my charisma. Oh, please don¡¯t fail me now.


    ¡°My dear lady, I think there has been a great misunderstanding. I am here as a business partner to improve your efforts,¡± I said, looking at her expectantly, hoping to see hearts floating above her head as a sign that I had charmed her. The hearts appeared, but as they floated up, the opaque hearts cracked and broke in half before disappearing, turning solid black and dissolving into smoke.


    Fuck. That was not good.


    She laughed, a disgusting sound that was a mix of saliva in her throat and chittering.


    ¡°What a feeble attempt but with enough training, it may be a useful skill for my brood,¡± she said.


    Did she just say brood? That did not sound good. I needed to get the fuck out of here and fast.


    I was dragged into the room, my eyes racked with pain as they adjusted to the bright white LED lights in the ceiling, providing way more illumination than I thought necessary. The room looked similar to her carapace, but it was grey instead of black, with a wavy texture covering the walls from floor to ceiling. The only difference in the room was a purple rectangle set into a wall on the far side, opposite from where we entered.


    I was led to the purple rectangle, where the robots turned me around to face outwards. In seconds, they had torn off my clothing, even removing my necklace. I felt my body deflate as they pushed me in, to the purple material, which was cold and felt like Jello. It was even colder against my now naked body, previously warm and comfortable in clothes. Half of my body was sunk into the purple Jello from the neck down, it hardening and trapping my arms and hands. I had never been so stuck before. I couldn¡¯t even twitch my fingers despite the mold only having a half slice of my appendages. I didn¡¯t know what this stuff was, but the inventor should go on Shark Tank. I was relived to see my clothes on the floor intact, as I had feared they would be torn to shreds by the force with which the robots had removed them.


    Another robot entered the room, holding a small metal bowl.


    Everything was happening so fast.


    The two robots already in the room held my head and jaw open, tilting it upwards. I could barely see as the new robot approached her, and she vomited into the bowl. The liquid was thick and amber-lookingThe robot wasted no time, and I really wished he would. He came over to me and started pouring the liquid down my throat. I coughed and sputtered, but eventually, the liquid started going down.


    It looked like oil and tasted like what I would imagine motor oil to taste like. Oil straight from a beat-up car, flake of mysterious metallic dispersed in the liquid. It reminded me in this moment like the oil the Uruk-hai gave the Hobbits. Somehow, that brought me a brief bit of comfort, taking my mind away from what my body was going through.


    Then, an unexpected biological function occurred. At first, I was embarrassed, my face flushing even in this setting. It was a male biological function that happens below the waist¡ªneed I say more. I assure you there was nothing erotic about what was happening to me.


    I was drugged.


    I started to break out in a cold sweat. I felt sick to my stomach as beads of sweat ran down my face. Then, a burning sensation begain in my loins, like a literal throbbing burn. It felt as though a miniature creature had been given a flamethrower and hired to roast my nuts.


    I knew that whatever was going to happen next was going to be pretty fucked up.


    She then approached, turned around, and bent over as her carapace slipped away, revealing a moist chamber, with thick mucus cobwebs connecting the two sides. Without warning, I was plunged inside her. She backed reapteadly, and I lost track of time. Eventually, despite my disgust, I finally climaxed. She vibrated and her whole body hummed making mine vibrate too. I was in shock, my body still trapped as she removed me from her. Her area retracted, covering the chamber with the carapace once more. Then, with a quick flick of her wrist, a quill ejected from her arm and struck me in the neck, causing my vision to go dark.


    I woke up, feeling like it was much later, even though everything around me remained the same. The LED-esque lighting beat down, leaving no shadows in the room.


    What the fuck just happened? I felt ashamed, physically sick, violated, and defeated. Was I just raped? Was I just raped by a weird creature that looked like the thing from Aliens?


    This was it. I was going to die here.


    Time passed as I numbly thought of nothing in particular until I heard the door open.


    She walked back in, but this time her belly was swollen. Through her now translucent skin on her belly, I could see a baby. It had a body like a human baby, but its outline seemed thicker. It was definitely something different from a human.


    Fuck me.


    How long was I out for? That baby looked like it was ready to come out. At least seven or eight months of gestation for a human.


    Fuck. Was this partially my kid?


    She chittered then.


    ¡°My species can mate with any other living flesh being, but you are the first of your kind I have met. I can feel our daughter¡¯s potential power,¡± she said, caressing her belly.


    Did she just say daughter? And ours?


    ¡°I usually kill those whom I mate with. Good fuel for growth, but I can feel your potential power. I may want more. Yes, many more,¡± she continued chittering.


    Shit. I needed to get out of here quick before the child support payments became unbearable. And this chick would want payment in blood. Or worse yet, what would happen when I was no longer interesting to her.


    She was lurched with pain that sent her knees to the floor.


    ¡°It is time. She is coming,¡± she said.


    Her carapace moved yet again, which was quickly followed by a splash as the baby, my daughter, splashed to the ground in a thick purple liquid, a large umbilical connecting to her. A notification popped up.


    [Qui¡¯lath has joined your party.]

 [ 19 ]

    I didn¡¯t get a good look at my daughter¡ªjust a dark shape wrapped up quickly into the Queen¡¯s arms as they left the room, leaving me alone. I didn¡¯t like calling her queen in my head, and decided then and there I was now going to call her The Bitch. Saying Queen just seemed to give her too much power. The Bitch just seemed to fit. Time passed yet again, and I was still feeling numb. It was a feeling I had never had before. It¡¯s like I was in a trance, not thinking of anything. I thought of what Gandalf had said and it resonated with me in this moment.


    ¡°Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as the life age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt light in me again.¡±


    The ship rocked as it either ran into or was hit by something. The ship rocked again and again, and for the first time I was glad I was contained within this purple prison. But it was like the game could hear my thoughts as the lights flicked off, sending me into darkness as the purple prison turned back to purple Jello, sliding me to the ground. I stumbled as I tried to get to my feet my body weak. It felt like I had been unmoving for a very long time and on top of that I was down stat points from not having the necklace.


    I was happy they hadn¡¯t moved my clothes to another location, and I shuffled towards where they were in the dark. It took a while, but I finally had my robes and necklace on. I needed to use this time to get the hell out of this ship.


    But can I just leave my daughter? How could I leave her? I had two real kids that were counting on me. But were they more real than her? My internal conflict finally became resolution. It wasn¡¯t the heroic answer, but I had a family already counting on me and I needed to get off this fucked up ship.


    I approached the door and was relieved when it opened automatically. The door opened to the hallway, but it was now dimly lit, with faint lights on the ground just barely illuminating the walkway.


    Just fucking great. I was going to have trouble enough getting back, now I have to remember in the fucking dark. Then I had a lightbulb moment. I pulled up my map in my interface. This thing really was still pretty useless, but it had a presumably unintended feature where it showed where I had previously been. I couldn¡¯t see much around me, but I could see it was less greyed out where I had already been. I wasn¡¯t sure if this was a new feature or if I had it all along and I didn¡¯t have time to unravel this mystery.


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    I ran. taking no heed of trying to be stealthy. The ship got hit again and I went flying into the wall, taking a point of damage that I quickly took a pill to recover. I was glad that it had only been one point or that would have been it.


    I made it back to the portal room, but the portal was now gone, only the now portal-less Stargate looking device dominating the room. I walked over to the table with the computer but with no power, I couldn¡¯t use it. I hit buttons on the keyboard, wishing upon anything that would take the wish that the computer would come to life. I had no such luck. The ship got hit again, sending me careening into a wall.


    I woke as I felt the sensation of falling, opening up my eyes just in time to realize I was heading for the floor. The ship must have lost its gravity generator or whatever you would call such a device. I had felt my body awaken as it went from happily floating to being violently pulled down. I landed on my belly and realized yet again that I had gone unconscious. At this point, I had to have some permanent brain damage. Can¡¯t be healthy to be knocked out, killed, drugged, and transported around over and over again, taking a healing pill after healing pill. Even as I thought about the health implications, I gulped down a healing pill.


    Fuck it.


    The power was back on. I rushed over to the computer quickly typing in the symbols I remembered seeing. I pressed the large button that looked like an enter key on a standard keyboard, and the device started to spin, locking in the same symbols on the giant rotating circle.


    The last symbol locked, and there was a pause before the portal erupted out. I quickly stepped through the portal and found myself on a desert world. All I could see was sand, except for an obelisk right in front of where I appeared. There was literally nothing else but sand hills fading off into the distance. It was hot, beads of sweat quickly forming on my forehead. I had never seen sand hills before with my own eyes, only in pictures, and I was briefly caught up in their beauty.


    ¡°Well, that was fucking easy,¡± I said as I walked down the steps towards the obelisk.


    I had been expecting to be chased or stopped by someone, so I decided I shouldn¡¯t wait around and give anyone an opportunity.


    I touched the obelisk and was transported back to the void space in front of Tap.

 [ 20 ]

    ¡°Welcome back! You have completed Trivia or Fight!¡± Tap said as the invisible crowd cheered.


    What had just happened to me instantly felt like a distant dream as I was back in Tap¡¯s presence. It felt like it all hadn¡¯t happened. As he finished speaking, a notification blinked from my interface. I selected it.


    [You are now level 4!]


    [Party abilities unlocked! Every 4 levels, the user gains additional party abilities be it bonuses, changes, subabilities, etc. Party abilities, are influenced by class and race selection, amongst other things. Party abilities have solo abilities and group abilities.]


    I went to my abilities tab, seeing new things added my to interface taking over reading.


    Solo Party Ability ¨C User has increased total mana.


    Group Party Ability ¨C User increases their potency and the potency of their party members on all spells.


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    Solo Party Ability Currently Active.


    ¡°Great. Why don¡¯t you give me the option for a group party bonus when I am in an area that does not allow parties? Just great,¡± I said aloud mostly to myself.


    How long does it take for my mana to go from zero to full without using a potion? I thought towards Kiwi.


    <22 minutes.>


    Shit. 22 minutes was longer than before. Having more mana was not helping my situation. I looked through my other changes and, like the previous level increases, I got another big boost to Charisma and that was it. I went to look at my mana now, but Tap started to move prompting me to close my interface.


    ¡°Now, would you like to risk it all and double your shards?¡± Tap said, staring at me.


    Two doors appeared in front of me: one red and one blue.


    ¡°You are now faced with two doors. The red door leads to a double or death round where you can double your shards and also have a chance for epic loot! The blue door leads to Level 3,¡± Tap said.


    The invisible crowd cheered do it, do it over and over again. I didn¡¯t have to think twice.


    Fuck them and fuck this.


    I¡¯m going to Level 3.


    Hey, Kiwi. If I survive, what level will I see my family? I thought again.


    <Campaign Level 12.>


    That¡¯s fucking right.


    I walked through the blue door.

 [ 21 ]

    I squinted and then shielded my eyes from the brightness, feeling warmth on the small amount of exposed skin that my wizard robe didn¡¯t cover. As my eyes adjusted, I realized I was standing in the middle of a town next to a stone well. Closing my eyes, I soaked in the sun my through closed eyelids for the first time in a long.


    The weather was warm and humid outside, with palm trees poking out from behind the buildings that made up the town. Rows of buildings lined the gravel and sandy street. The buildings were what you would imagine if you mixed Caribbean and medieval fantasy. Behind me, down the street, loomed a sandstone-colored fortress, while in front of me and to my left was a tall stone mountain. The mountain, or maybe a better description a sheer cliff, jetted straight up.


    An assortment of creatures walked by, including a naked lady made entirely of blue fire carrying a box and a large man made of stone. Most of the people looked human, but there were various other creatures sprinkled the crowd.


    I stood by the well for a few moments, unnoticed by the townsfolk. Seeing no immediate danger, I accessed my interface and checked my party tab. My heart sank when I saw that Jace¡¯s name was still greyed out. Suddenly, my interface began speaking without prompting.


    Welcome to the Port City of Tortewwga. I am shocked you made it to Level 3. Absolutely shocked. And a little pissed off. I had a lot riding on you not making it this far. Alright, moving on, there are a few changes with Level 3. First, renown points can be earned by completing quests, deeds of chivalry, criminal activities, and many other ways. Second, there are now shops and NPCs that you can interact with. Third, yeah, there is some more stuff, but you¡¯ll figure it out. Review the quest tab for additional details. I¡¯m going to go pay up on my bet.


    I pulled up my quest tab.


    Ught fine, I¡¯ll read a bit more. You have arrived in the port town of Tortewwga. What was once a prominent resting place for pirates but now a city of the queen¡¯s realm. The Tortewwga fortress had been completed three years ago, and the town whas now the base of operations for anti-piracy missions. Long story short, a town that was once a wretched hive of scum and villainy is now a thriving port town.


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    Story Quest: Gain 100 renown in the Port City of Tortewwga and approach a key town player. Key Players will become visible under the quest tab once met.


    First Key Player unlocked! Colonel Ortez at the Tortewwga Fortress Keep. This Key Player may provide you critical information on completing Level 3 and may even provide a ship token for your quest.


    There was a box next to the description like one that could have a checkmark next to it. It reminded me of video games where once you checked one off, another quest would appear. Or, in some cases there were multiple quests that needed to be completed, require you to check off each one in order to complete the overall quest. There was a field labeled Parameters which I mentally clicked.


    [Level 3 Parameters:]


    [Party ¨C Available. Renown and quest completion are shared with all participating party members.]


    [Max party size - unlimited until ship assignment, then limited to maximum ship crew capacity.]


    [Loot and Environment ¨C Lootable environment, loot boxes generated on death involving user input, loot boxes not visible to NPCs, vending machines available.]


    [Progress towards Campaign Completion 2 out of 30 Levels complete.]


    I closed my interface and started to walk down the busy street, feeling overwhelmed and trying not to stare at the different races of people walking by. Shit, that guy looked like a tree Ent but with a weird face. Stop staring, Kent, or somebody is going to fuck your shit up. You have 2 HP. You have 2 goddamn HP.


    There was a guy jumping around in front of me as I walked down the street. A brightly colored sign jutted out from the building, which read Boutique Curioso. The man was dressed kind of like a jester, minus the hat. A skintight, multicolored and multifabriced outfit left nothing of his thin, lengthy body to the imagination.


    The man was jumping and dancing crazily, sometimes going on all fours, and spinning so much that it was starting to make me have sympathy dizziness. As I got closer, I could hear that he was talking too.


    ¡°I am Mr. Dicks for hands, and I got lots of dicks for lips. Boots, jackets, and more.¡±


    He suddenly stopped, his back to me. He leaned backward, throwing his head back until his face was upside down towards mine. I wasn¡¯t sure how he didn¡¯t just fall over. He pointed at me.


    ¡°You! Would you like to come in and try on some clothes?¡±


    ¡°Um, no. Sorry, I have somewhere I need to be. Maybe next time,¡± I lied.


    The man started dancing again, making no reaction to what I said.


    ¡°I am Mr. Dicks for lips, and I have lots of lips for dicks,¡± he said as I passed.


    I quickly picked up my pace, walking to get some distance between us.


    I had no idea where the fuck I was.

 [ 22 ]

    There was a general store, armory, smith, and apothecary that I passed until I saw a sign that read ¡°Inn of the Prancing Pirate.¡± The pirate was faintly crossed out and replaced by ¡°Pony,¡± but ¡°Pirate¡± was still more legible. It was as if the owner was told he needed to change the name but didn''t want to giving a half ass attempt with some cheap kid¡¯s finger-paint.


    I walked up the couple of wooden steps to get reach the front porch area of the inn. Then, I noticed three things that were very out of place in this medieval tropical town. There were three vending machines on the porch, just to the left of the entrance to the inn. They reminded me of the video game Borderlands, with the vending machines looking more makeshift and high-tech than what I was used to getting a soda from back home. Wait was back home, right? I¡¯m not sure that¡¯s right, but you get what I mean.


    The far-left vending machine was a deep purple with white accents and labeled ¡°Random¡± with a large, white, cock-eyed question mark. The second was labeled ¡°Weapons & Armor,¡± and had a cartoonish rendering of plate mail and a glowing blue short sword. The last one was army green with brown accents and labeled ¡°Food & Potions,¡± featuring a loaf of bread and a large healing potion in its advertisement.


    I first approached the ¡°Random¡± vending machine. As I got closer, an interface-looking window popped up. It showed two categories of loot boxes to choose from, ¡°Race¡± and ¡°Spell Tome¡± both at Mythic rarity. In the top right it corner, there was a box with a deal sticker and a -33% discount for the food box, which was also Mythic rarity. The ¡°Race¡± and ¡°Spell Tome¡± boxes cost 5,000 red shards each, but oh so lucky for me, the food box was on sale for 3,350. What the hell would Mythic food be? I didn¡¯t have a clue. I only had just a bit over 300 shards, so I didn¡¯t think I was going to find out any time soon. I really wished that warranty deal would have gone through. What did we agree to again? 8,000 shards? Shit. But damn do I need a spell that does some damage. At the very top it showed ¡®37 hours remaining until vendor refresh.¡¯


    I then went over to the ¡°Weapons & Armor¡± vending machine, where there was an assortment of different weapons from swords, axes, bows, and others. The only one that had any real magical properties was a bow in the deal section in the top right corner that added electricity damage to its shots. With my low dexterity I didn¡¯t think it would be a good idea for me to take up archery.


    Next, I went to the last vending machine, ¡°Food & Potions.¡± There was a protein bar that was currently on sale for only five shards, which didn¡¯t show any benefits other than the benefits normal food brought. Other than the bar, there was a long sandwich on a baguette-style bread, and potions of health and mana each bottle costing 50 red shards for the noob level.


    I stepped away from the vending machines too nervous to spend my money just yet until I figured out what monetary demands Level 3 might have. I needed to be saving up for some spell tomes. I needed something that could actually hit a monster.


    The inn had front doors like in a western movie, swinging in both directions and falapping back and forth after I pushed through. I was greeted by a large room with wooden tables and chairs making up the space, with a long bar opposite where I currently stood. There was a creature behind the bar wearing a leather apron and a white shirt. The creature was beautiful, resembling a mix between Chris Hemsworth and Henry Cavil, if the mix had grey blue skin and short horns.


    ¡°Welcome in! New to town, I take it?¡± the man said as I approached the bar, his voice sultry.


    Am I the only one questioning my sexuality right now? I was about to pay off Vinnie, but I just had to come back and look at this guy. Like, damn.


    ¡°And I must say, that is quite the outfit,¡± he continued.


    ¡°Yes, just got in,¡± I replied, ignoring the interface.


    I looked down at my outfit, realizing I should maybe have some walking around town clothes so I didn¡¯t stand out. Either that, or I needed to memorize some sage words of wisdom I could share unsolicited with strangers.


    ¡°Sorry, didn¡¯t mean no offence. Oh, you must have come in with the Juneflower. Captain Eriinie is a good man. Glad to see he made it back. The name is Keep. People call me Bar Keep, Keep, The Keep, Oi, I''ll respond to any,¡± he said with a laugh and a smile. ¡°How can I be of service? Room for the night?¡±


    ¡°Hello, nice to meet you. My name is Kent. A room would be great. How much is it per night? I don''t know how long I will be staying.¡±


    ¡°30 red,¡± Keep said.


    That was about 1% of my winnings from the trivia.


    ¡°Okay, you have a deal,¡± I said, the shards appearing in my hand after I selected them from my interface.


    ¡°Cool trick you have there,¡± Keep said, eyeing the shards in my hand.


    ¡°Oh, why thank you,¡± I replied, clearly signaling I was confused.


    So much for fitting in. Why don¡¯t you just show up to a new place dressed in wizard robes and magically make money appear? Oh, wait, you already did that. Made lots of friends back on Earth, I take it?


    Did this asshole interface just say, ¡®back on Earth¡¯? What was he talking about? Before I could think any further on those words, Keep spoke.


    ¡°I''d watch out flashing powers like that or the fortress will try and conscript you. Not too common around these parts. Besides the watchman, not too many others,¡± Keep said. ¡°Your room is upstairs. Room 207,¡± he said, handing me a key.


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    ¡°Thank you,¡± I said, taking the key. ¡°Oh, you wouldn¡¯t happen to have seen a guy dressed like a chef, would you? Like a white outfit with lots of buttons on the front. Tall white hat,¡± I said, demonstrating where all the buttons would be and the size of the hat.


    ¡°Sorry to say I haven¡¯t. Sounds like an outfit I wouldn¡¯t forget,¡± Keep replied. ¡°I¡¯ll keep an eye out and let you know. It¡¯s in the name. I¡¯m always keeping an eye out.¡±


    ¡°Thank you,¡± I replied with a nod.


    I started to head upstairs.


    Is my brother alive? I thought towards Kiwi as I walked up the steps.


    <I''m sorry. I am not at liberty to say.>


    I sighed.


    My room was adjacent to others on a balcony that overlooked the bar and seating area. I could check out the surroundings later; first, I wanted to get to my camp and see if there were any signs of my brother.


    I put the key in the lock and twisted. As the lock clicked, a faint light shone from all the edges of the door. I opened it, revealing my library tower spire. I walked in, closing the door behind me. I¡¯m not sure why, but it was a relief to see this place again. It somehow felt like home even though I had spent very little time here.


    I headed to the hallway that connected mine and Jace¡¯s areas. As I approached his door, a grey lock appeared with a thick, greyed-out chain. Under the lock, it read ¡°No access.¡±


    ¡°Shit, he really is gone.¡±


    As I walked back to my area, I stopped at the upgrade old-school pay phone machine that was between our camps. It was no longer greyed out, stating 100 red shards for an upgrade to Camp Level 2.


    I currently had 312 red shards so it was doable to upgrade, but it would be a chunk of what I had. I walked back to my library area and saw that my first unlock was at Camp Level 2, which would unlock the first bookshelf. I had to believe it did something for me, hopefully giving me a spell I desperately needed. I needed a goddamn damage-dealing spell like my life depended on it. Which it kind of did. No, not kind of, it 100% did. I got up to go back to the upgrade telephone machine, but the TV above the exit caught my eye. Before, during Level 1, there was a countdown. This time it just showed Level 3 at the top.


    [Total Starting Population: 8,128,828,837]


    [Total NPC Population: 4,545,646,536]


    [Total In Stasis: 2,528,637,474]


    [Total Mob Population: 126,286,371]


    [Total Died in Dungeon: 700,683,148]


    [Total Remaining in Level 1 (Level Complete): 0]


    [Total Remaining in Level 2: 50,065,963]


    [Total Remaining in Level 3: 177,506,595]


    [Total Remaining in Level 4: 0]


    [Total Remaining in Level 5: 0]


    [You are currently in your camp. Time is halved in camp.]


    Shit, almost 300 million people had died since I was last in my camp. That was an unfathomable amount of people. I wondered if one of those millions was my brother. I saw that nobody had reached Level 4 yet, but there were quite a bit of people currently in the same level I was. If you can say quite a bit. Was that only 3% of the world¡¯s population remaining?


    I walked back to the upgrade telephone machine and put in the 100 red shards one by one. As I put in the last shard gold, stars sparkled all around, going from the top to the bottom of the walls. When it was done, I went back over to my spire library. There was now a Meh Level Random Spell Loot Box floating in front of the bookshelf. I took it and added it to my inventory. I now saw the rest of the books were from pre-AI fucking our shit earth. I saw Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, works by Brandon Sanderson, Matt Dinniman, Terry Pratchett, and Neil Gaiman, among others.


    I opened my interface, selecting the loot box.


    ¡°C¡¯mon, don¡¯t fuck with me game. Give me something that does damage,¡± I begged aloud.


    The spell only had three question marks signifying my interface wanted to break the news.


    You have received the spell Mundane Duplication!


    ¡°FUUUUUCK!¡± I roared talking over the interface as it continued.


    This spell creates a temporary illusion lasting a few seconds on something larger, or a longer-lasting more solid illusion for something smaller. It only works on mundane items. The higher the user¡¯s magic stat, magic ability, and level of the user the better the quality of the illusion and the longer it will last. For you, I have no idea what will happen. Maybe I¡¯ll ask Vinnie if he will take double or nothing. It will probably be shitty. I¡¯m betting on shitty, of course.


    After I recovered emotionally from yet again not receiving a spell that did direct damage, I tried to think of how I could turn this into something that could help me. I now understood how the spell worked, it was pretty simple. Hold something in one hand, and an illusionary copy appeared in the other. I held the bottle of mini heals in my hand and tried. Nothing happened. I tried it with a mana potion. Nothing. My ring and necklace. Nothing. I came to the conclusion that those must not be mundane items, something I would have guessed, but hey, you had to try, right?


    From what happened last time, I was nervous about using the Depends again in any sort of interaction. This time I tried with the half tube of IcyHot, holding it in my hand. In my other hand, the same half tube of IcyHot appeared as my mana went to zero. I opened my interface, and it said ¡°Illusionary Copy of IcyHot.¡± In the block that the Illusionary Copy of IcyHot was taking in my inventory, I saw two small texts in the bottom right corner. One said ¡°Time Remaining¡± which was set at 999,998 minutes. Below that, it said ¡°Illusionary Quality,¡± which was at a 99.99% match.


    Well, I guess this was sweet. If my rough math was correct that was like just under two years that the illusion would be good for. Then I had an idea, but I had to wait for my mana to recharge before trying it, so I went to Jace''s area. There was a message on Jace¡¯s screen stating ¡°camp increases would not take place until the applicable user was present.¡± I didn''t know if that was a good sign or not. Would it still say that if my brother was dead? I didn¡¯t know. I used the restroom and spent way too long doing what should have been simple math to calculate where I was at on how long it took to recharge my mana. I was currently at 17 minutes.


    Once my mana was recharged, I pulled out the sack that had all my shards. In my other hand a duplicate sack appeared. It fucking worked. The same information was in the bottom right as the IcyHot copy, with 999,998 minutes and Illusionary Quality at 99.99%.


    The first thing I did was go over to the camp upgrade machine. I put the first duplicated shard in, but the machine just spit it out. I saw a red-texted error appear in the small display box as I fished the shard out of the return.


    ¡°I guess that would have been too fucking good to be true,¡± I muttered under my breath.


    The next thing I learned was that I could not duplicate the duplication. The idea of having a giant pile of shards and then copying and adding, copying and adding, shattered. I spent the next couple of hours in my bed copying my sack of 212 shards until I couldn¡¯t keep my eyes open any longer. I was glad to have a nice place to sleep, but I suddenly felt very alone. I also felt exposed. Before, I thought that the camp space was safe. I wasn¡¯t so sure, having been in William¡¯s camp not too long ago without his consent. But sleep overtook me, my body not caring about my safety concerns.

 [ 23 ]

    I woke and started eating the last protein bar from my inventory. The protein bars were starting to get old eating the same thing over and over and over. Also, it couldn¡¯t be a well-rounded diet. I didn¡¯t even know what was in them. I opened the door, leaving my camp, and entered back into the inn, hearing music playing, and the sound of many people talking. I peeked over the balcony to see the inn full of patrons, most wearing swashbuckling-type outfits. I was just glad I hadn''t seen a gun yet. I was weak enough fighting creatures, but if somebody pulled out a gun, that was going to be a quick death. The music was coming from a piano-looking contraption with a large accordion thing on top of it, playing by itself a song that sounded suspiciously like the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song.


    There was some weirdness with the camp being half-time. When I went in, it was the afternoon, and coming back out, it had only been maybe five or so hours, with the evening just starting here. Stercus still had 20 or so more hours until I could bring him back, I had figured out. At least the 20 hours were my time, camp or not.


    I went down the stairs and sat at the bar next to a gaunt-looking man who did not look entirely human. Keep came over as I sat down.


    ¡°Thought we might have lost you for the night,¡± he said with a smile.


    ¡°Just needed a quick nap,¡± I replied.


    ¡°What can I get for you?¡±


    He served me steak and potatoes with a large tanker of ale. It was delicious and only cost one red shard. He called it the welcome special.


    ¡°Don¡¯t get used to this cheap price for food. I only give it for your first night,¡± he said with a wink.


    If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.


    After I finished my food, I got his attention.


    ¡°Would you be willing to convert some shards for me to higher denominations?¡± I asked.


    ¡°Oh sure. You will rarely see a businessman who would say no to that,¡± Keep replied.


    ¡°Sorry, I am new to this currency,¡± I said. ¡°Why is that?¡±


    ¡°Well, I, of course would charge you a small fee in order to convert your shards,¡± he replied, smiling.


    I knew it was probably a bad idea to just start plopping down sacks of counterfeit shards on the counter both putting a sign on my back saying Hey! Steal from me and also raising the chances of somebody saying something about their counterfeit nature. But I did it anyways.


    ¡°Blimey. Where were you carrying all these?¡± Keep said, staring at the 50 or so sacks of shards before him. ¡°I¡¯ll be right back.¡±


    Keep came back out moments later with a single sack in his hands.


    ¡°Here you are. Taking into account the 10% conversion fee here is 40 Orange shards and 1 Yellow shard,¡± he said.


    I knew from what I had learned earlier that 100 red shards were worth 1 Orange shard and 100 of those were worth 1 Yellow shard. His math seemed right, but I was not completely sure. I nodded, hoping that he was not completely screwing me. But if he was, the joke was on him as he only had two years to spend them before they would disappear.


    I went outside and walked down to the vending machines. The streets were empty now, the sunset almost completely finished. I looked over my shoulder, not seeing anyone, and made a copy of the sack of shards in my hand. I put the real shards back in my inventory and then placed 1 Orange Shard in the Food & Potions vending machine. With a chime, I saw that I had a balance of 100 Red Shards.


    ¡°Fuck yeah!¡± I exclaimed, pumping my fist.


    To try it out, I tested it on the on-sale protein bar. I selected it, and a button choice popped up of Complete or Continue Shopping. I selected complete. The protein bar now floated in front of the vending machine, and shards started accumulating at the bottom return area.


    ¡°I can¡¯t believe that worked. Did I just find a way to break the game?¡± I thought.


    ¡°Fuck you, AI! I broke your fucked up game¡± I said, looking up to the sky.


    I locked eyes with someone giving me a weird look, and I looked away, trying to play it cool.


    Smooth.

 [ 24 ]

    With the rest of my copied shards, I was able to buy the mythic ranked loot boxes of Race, Spell Tome, and the discounted Food from the random vending machine. I walked back in and found a table in a corner by myself so that I could open them without looking too weird looking like I was staring off into space. While there was a variety of races present here it didn¡¯t seem like anybody else had much magic or an interface.


    I saved the spell tome for last, still having not recovered from the last few times I had opened one. I started with the Mythic Ranked Food Loot Box, curious about what it contained. As I clocked it, three items appeared in my inventory, with my interface taking over.


    Pepperoni Pizza Slice of Temporary Toughness. This slice of pizza grants the user half damage from all Mythic class attacks and below. This effect lasts three hours.


    LambAss bread. One bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man. Tastes like lamb wrapped in flatbread. That is if that lamb was cooked to perfection and dunked into a recently used and unflushed truck stop public restroom toilet and the flatbread was used to wipe a trucker¡¯s ass.


    Popsicle of Resist Cold. It might look like the SpongeBob popsicle you got from that felon working in that ice cream truck when you were a kid. You know the one with its eyes all cockeyed looking nothing like the picture you hoped for? But trust me on this where that popsicle shatters your hopes this one will give you some. User is resistant to cold for six hours.


    I was excited about the pizza. Not that it would do much good. Woopidy-Do now 4 damage would kill me and not just 2. I was excited about the bread when it talked about filling a grown man¡¯s stomach with one bite until the description continued. I clicked on the race one next my interface talking.


    You have already been assigned race Chaos Myar assigned via Mythic Starting Loot Box. User must assign the race assigned via random race loot box openings. User must be level 5 in order for race transformation to occur. User may use another race to change assigned race at level 10.


    Finally, it was time for another spell tome loot box. I was excited, sitting in my corner, hoping nobody was watching as I knew I must have looked strange. I was aiming for the mysterious Strider look, but I knew that was unlikely. Giddily staring off into space is not a good look for anyone.


    You have received the spell Speak with Mundane Animals!


    I put my head in my hands, resting it on the table. FUCK THIS GAME. This has to be personal. There¡¯s no way this was random. I pounded the table in frustration, earning glances from a three-eyed guy at a table a nearby table.


    Bad luck with the dice roll on this one, bub. With Mythic Loot Boxes, you have an increased chance for rarer and higher-tier spells, but there¡¯s still a chance for shittier ones. Looks like the RNG gods bent you over the chair and had their way with you. Just like I wish Keep would do to me.


    Forget I said that.


    Normally, this spell gives the target the temporary ability to speak with mundane animals. Who knows what will happen when you use it. As always, I¡¯m excited to see how this goes.


    I got up and made my way to the bar, catching Keep¡¯s attention and ordering an ale. It tasted bad, but it let me live out my internal brooding at the bar feeling externally. I was onto my second ale when a group walked into the inn, metaphorically electrifying the patrons. Everyone was now talking in hushed tones, staring at the group.


    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± I whispered to Keep.


    I turned around fully to view the group, giving them more than just a glance. There were two men and a woman, all human-looking, at least from this distance.


    ¡°They are sending the Watchmen to the cemetery tonight. There have been incidents over the last few nights. The town cleric went missing with his acolytes.¡±


    ¡°The Watchmen?¡±


    ¡°There the town militia. They¡¯re just a volunteer force except for the chief. We have the fortress armada here now, but we like them to mostly focus on pirates. The Watchmen keep peace within the town. There are always weird things happening in these parts, but frequent sightings of extra unusual things in the last few days have many on alert. The last straw was our town cleric going missing last night, and there were confirmed reports of him and his acolytes going to the cemetery. The fortress is threatening to step in if it goes much further. We like to have them out of our business as much as possible, so they want to take care of it themselves.¡±


    The one in the front looked well-built, a true warrior, with a large sword attached to his back. And when I say large, I mean anime large.


    ¡°Who are they?¡±


    ¡°Braar Nicchead has been our Chief Watchman for the last few years. The first non-local to ever be in the position besides our first watchman. He was from a nomadic tribe far away in-¡± Keep said being cut off.


    ¡°We could use a few more if anyone has the courage,¡± said Braar in a gruff booming voice.


    A message appeared, a small interface window popping in front of me.


    [Quest Offered: Do you want to join the Watchmen to investigate the cemetery?]


    [Reward: Estimated 1-10 renown.]


    ¡°Brail is Braar¡¯s wife,¡± Keep said, continuing. ¡°She is a local. Was a watchman before Braar even came to this island.¡±


    ¡°No one has the guts to join us?¡± Braar said looking around.


    ¡°The last is Fussze Sprat. His father was one of the worst criminals on the island, and he has clawed his way out of that reputation hole his father dug. He would have been the Chief Watchman if not for his father.¡±


    ¡°So be it. If nobody has the guts, we will go at it alone,¡± Braar said, taking one last look around at the inn patrons.


    It didn''t seem great, but I needed the renown. Potentially getting 10 would be a nice start towards 100. I was rested and didn''t know what else I was going to do tonight.


    ¡°I will go,¡± I said standing to my feet and looking at Braar.


    Braar looked at me for a moment, then turned and walked out of the inn, Fussze and Brail behind him. I wasn¡¯t sure if that was an invitation to follow or a warning, but I decided to follow.


    As I left the inn, I saw them already making their way down the dimly lit path in a direction I had yet to travel. Lanterns hung on large poles barley illuminated the street in both directions. I jogged briefly, my lungs on fire, to catch up to them.


    ¡°Hello,¡± I said through a pant, ¡°the name is Kent. Just got to town earlier today.¡±


    ¡°I have you down as a person of interest, Kent. Did you know that?¡± Braar said, stopping and turning around to stare me down.


    ¡°Me? Person of interest?¡± I replied with a gulp.


    I¡¯m not going to lie, this guy was intimidating. I stood pretty tall, the wizard hat even adding to that height. The height on top of the physical muscles under my robes from the neckless I thought I was an imposing figure, at least from the outside. But Braar had a few feet on me in both directions.


    ¡°We received a report that you appeared out of thin air right in the middle of town. The Jenson boy was scared something fierce when he came to me. He was on his way to get some water, you see. I asked around a little, and Keep said you told him you came in with the Juneflower. The Juneflower had no records of you on board.¡±


    I hesitated for a moment. The truth was too crazy to explain, and I knew I had to rely on my charisma here, but I didn¡¯t want to completely lie either.


    ¡°I never said I came in on the Juneflower. Keep just assumed and I was not able to correct him. I am on a quest most dire and was transported here by a powerful wizard. I plan to prove myself and approach Colonel Ortez for information on completing my quest. I mean nobody harm,¡± I said.


    The opaque cartoon bubble-looking hearts were floating over his head, popping as they traveled. The hearts were barely visible, only slightly showing any color. I was getting pretty nervous until I saw Braar deflate slightly at my last words, wondering if my charisma had anything to do with it. Or maybe he was just convinced the old-fashioned way with the whole barely colored hearts. What I said was mostly true. Except you just had to replace powerful wizard with sadistic fucked up exhibit A of humanity¡¯s failure to pay attention when they watched the Matrix.


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    ¡°What quest is this?¡± Braar said suspiciously.


    Fuck. I didn¡¯t even know what the quest was. Could I say that? Should I say something else?


    ¡°It has yet to reveal itself. That is all I know. I must prove myself and then approach the Colonel,¡± I said.


    ¡°How do we know we can trust you? How do we know it¡¯s not you doing all this?¡± Braar said.


    ¡°You know that he just got here, honey,¡± Brail said taking his arm. ¡°You saw it on the island manifest, and he is not the first to just show up like this.¡±


    ¡°Island manifest? Not the first?¡± I asked.


    ¡°A gift from the queen to the Watchman a few years back when they were constructing the fortress. Payment and an agreement that the Watchmen hold jurisdiction within the town. A magical manifest that lists every person on the island. It lists when they arrive and when they leave,¡± Braar said.


    Braar then turned and continued to walk as I trailed behind them, not answering my second question.


    As we crested the hill, Braar pointed at the cemetery. We could see it glowing in the moonlight. A fucking huge moon hung in the sky behind the cliff, and the inn area shadowed the cliff, blocking the light. The cemetery jetted out into the ocean on its own little peninsula, mostly covered in eerie fog continuously rolling in from the ocean to solely reside at the cemetery.


    ¡°Creepy,¡± I muttered under my breath.


    We walked down the path until we were at the fog line. Braar took out his weapon and the others followed. Have I mentioned how large Braar¡¯s sword was? Because it was huge. The sword had to be at least five feet tall and at least a foot wide. Brail took out her bow and notched an arrow. Fussze had a strange weapon I thought was just a hammer around his waist earlier. On one end of the hammer was a typical hammer end; the center shaft was multiple feet long until you got to the other end, which had what looked like the part on a hammer where you would take a nail out, except it was longer and more hook-like.


    As we entered the fog, I was could only see about 10 feet in front of me. The fog, paired with the high grass around the cemetery, made it possible for anything to jump out at us, without us even noticing. In that moment, I seriously considered turning around. It was scary as shit. Fog, moonlight, and being in a cemetery was the fucking recipe for a horror movie.


    I might have had more confidence if I had something other than a flash grenade that would, most likely, hurt my allies more than a zombie. After that thought, flashes of the college kids cross my mind, making me physically sick. I shook my head, trying to push away the memories. I didn¡¯t think talking with animals would be of much help in this situation, unless there were zombie cats. I chuckled at my strange thought and received a weird look from Fussze.


    We were slightly spread out now, with Braar right next to me, Brail barely in sight due to fog, and I couldn¡¯t see Fussze anymore. I assumed Braar didn¡¯t trust me, which was why he was glued to my side. After taking a few steps, Fussze called out, asking us to come over.


    As Braar and I approached Fussze¡¯s call, I looked down and saw tattered white cloth chunks scattered around. Then I saw him, the cleric propped up on a headstone, with flesh-colored fungus-like mushrooms visible throughout his exposed skin. It wasn¡¯t a mushroom like Mario eats but the ones that grow on the sides of trees. All of the cleric¡¯s veins were swollen and thick. Fussze went to investigate and, as he bumped the cleric¡¯s foot, a mushroom on top of the clerics head split open, releasing spores into the air. Fussze coughed and backed away, coughing louder and louder. A piece of cloth on my robes moved up to cover my face, a thin mesh that didn¡¯t obstruct my vision too much. I hoped it would protect me.


    ¡°Are you okay?¡± Braar asked.


    ¡°I think so,¡± Fussze replied, followed by another short cough.


    I didn''t like the state of the cleric or those spores, so I went into my inventory and grabbed the slice of pizza. I knew I should probably save it, but in that moment, I didn¡¯t want to take any chances. There was no respawn in this game that I knew of, and self-preservation was top on my list.


    I tried to make a copy of the pizza, but it didn¡¯t work. I didn¡¯t think it would, given the pizza¡¯s magical nature, but I had to try. However, being manaless for the next 20 or so minutes in this place didn¡¯t sound appealing, especially when all I had to show for it was another slice of pizza. I ate the pizza and turned to see the three watchmen staring at me with their jaws dropped.


    ¡°You''re really going to eat at a time like this?¡± Fussze said coughing again.


    The pizza was surprisingly good. Eating it gave me a weird sense of being at home, a sensation I had rarely felt since being in this fucked up place. I had really lucked out getting this pizza. But considering how how this game had treated me so far, I wasn¡¯t so sure.


    You have ingested a Pepperoni Pizza Slice of Temporary Toughness. This slice of pizza grants the user half damage from all Mythic class attacks and below. But it looks like it couldn¡¯t make you tough enough to stop you from being a winey ass little bitch. That must be a god like infliction. The user takes half damage from damage Mythic level and below for the users next three hours.


    When I checked my interface, I could see the timer counting down as a status effect in my character overview tab.


    We kept moving, and it didn''t take long before we started to see the acolytes. They wore similar, albeit more simplistic, long robes as the cleric and had the same fleshy mushroom growths, swollen veins, and fungus on their skin.


    ¡°Don''t touch them,¡± Braar warned.


    We continued moving until we reached a patch of the cemetery with less fog. There were rows of headstones typical of a cemetery. As a small breeze blew, it cleared some of the fog, and I could see a crypt in front of us. Or whatever you call a building with a door in a cemetery, unsure about the word crypt, I named it the ¡°fuck that door.¡± The ¡°fuck that door¡± had a few stone steps leading up to a large open stone door, with two stone-carved pillars next to it and a symbol I didn¡¯t recognize above the door on the archway.


    ¡°That was closed yesterday,¡± Braar said, eyeing the ¡°fuck that door.¡±


    Then we heard rustling, and a figure bolted from our left running into the crypt. It was so fast, just a blur. I hadn''t noticed my adrenaline spike until I saw my hand shaking in my peripheral vision. I was fucking freaked. The watchman moved towards the open door, and I followed more afraid of being alone here than getting closer to the ¡°fuck that door.¡±


    ¡°We''re going down there?¡± I said, my voice shaky.


    ¡°Seems to be where something went. Have a better idea?¡± Braar replied.


    ¡°Yeah, come back at daylight with the whole army,¡± I suggested.


    Nobody answered me as they continued to move towards the opened doorway. We were right about to the doorway when we heard a moan from behind us.


    We all turned to see the cleric shambling towards us. He wasn¡¯t moving too fast, more like a leisurely zombie walk without having his arms out. His motions were a little too jerky to be considered normal. He moaned again as the mushrooms all over his skin opened, releasing more spores. The spores quickly spread out and then stilled, floating almost reaching where we were. The spores glinted in the moonlight, and one might say it was pretty if you could get the thought of potentially being infected out of your mind. Beyond the idea of contracting an infectious disease, having a guy that looked a lot like a zombie coming towards you with what looked like the intent to eat you, yeah, that preoccupied one¡¯s mind.


    Then we saw the acolytes moving, adding their moans to the clerics. The acolytes were darting around inhumanly fast, quite the contrast from the cleric walking leisurely straight for us. Damn, I was really hoping for all slow zombies. The cleric was moving straight towards us as the acolytes darted around in a semicircle blocking our path to escape. Our only choices were to fight or go into the ¡°fuck that door.¡±


    ¡°Erevan! It is me, Braar. Stop your approach at once. We can talk about this,¡± Braar said.


    The cleric didn¡¯t stop, still slowly approaching, the acolytes unwavering in their darting containment semicircle moving towards us, slowly boxing us in. Next to me, I saw warm light and looked to see Brail lighting the tip of an arrow, cloth wrapped around right below the arrowhead.


    Without any further discussion, she loosed the arrow, striking an acolyte that had darted closer. I had no idea how she was able to hit the guy. I could barely see them move. The acolyte screamed as the fire spread over its body, igniting a lot faster than I would have thought. In my peripheral vision, I saw Brail make a face, eyebrows raising in her own surprise at the effectiveness of the shot.


    Brail shot two more arrows, taking out two more acolytes as Fussze and Braar stayed near, weapons drawn at the ready.


    ¡°I¡¯ve got three more¡­ and there¡¯s four of them,¡± she said after loosing another that struck another acolyte.


    The acolyte caught fire, consuming him in a large torrent of flame before it died out, a charred body now on the ground. There were three acolytes left running a larger pattern, the cleric still moving slowly towards us.


    ¡°Hand the three arrows to me,¡± I said quickly before Brail notched her next arrow.


    She looked at me and hesitated, her eyes going to Braar, who I am pretty sure silently said no. She finally handed them over, and I held them in my hand, duplicating them, three more appearing in my other hand. I handed her the six arrows.


    She lit and notched another arrow and then another and then another, taking down all the last three acolytes. She now had another one lit and notched, pointed towards the cleric. She shot, but the cleric jerked inhumanly fast, dodging the projectile. Looks like he was faking his slowness earlier. She shot again, and he dodged once more. She only had two lightable arrows left.


    I chugged one of my excellent mana potions, which quickly brought my mana up to full. The cleric was on us then as Braar swung out his weapon, slicing only air as the cleric ducked. The cleric lunged, pushing off with both feet, slamming his head into Braar¡¯s chest. Spores exploded out clouding my vision. Fussze swung with his hammer, hitting the cleric on the back. Brail pulled back a flaming arrow and hit the cleric, who burst into flames.


    Braar and Fussze panted between deep coughs, the cleric¡¯s charred body on the steps still smoking.


    I''m not sure that really counts as participating, making three arrows and then just watching. Also, did those really do much of anything to help? She had enough to take down the acolytes. I guess that final shot did something.


    ¡°What, cough, has come over, cough, them?¡± Fussze said.


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure,¡± Brail replied. ¡°But I think we will find answers through there,¡± she said, pointing towards the darkness behind the ¡°fuck that door.¡±


    ¡°That was quite the trick you had with the arrows. That may as well have saved us,¡± Fussze said.


    ¡°Least I could do. Felt like I just sat here watching for most of that. Oh, I have some healing pills if either of you need one,¡± I said to Braar and Fussze.


    ¡°Healing pills? Are they better than this?¡± Fussze said, taking a healing potion flask from his belt.


    ¡°Probably not,¡± I replied, feeling dumb.


    Fussze and Braar chugged their potions, but it didn¡¯t seem to have any effect on their coughs.


    ¡°Let¡¯s move forward so we can get back and I¡¯ll wake up Uleen to brew us up something, cough, for our coughs,¡± Braar said.


    Brail and I seemed to be the only two not coughing from the spores.


    We stood in front of the ¡°fuck that door,¡± and I was spooked. I reached out to Kiwi, trying to build my confidence.


    Hey Kiwi. If I survive, what level will I see my family? I thought again.


    <Campaign Level 12.>


    That¡¯s fucking right.


    Braar led the way as we descended into the doorway stairs leading down, pure darkness in front of us.

 [ 25 ]

    As we descended, Fussze hit the back of his hammer, causing it to glow with a soft blue light that provided plenty of illumination without hurting our eyes. These guys had so many useful skills and abilities, and they were just NPCs. In that moment, feeling like I had little value offer and being in a creepy cemetery dungeon, all I wanted was to be back in my old bed, snuggled up with my family. I was spiraling into another pity party when I snapped back to the present, mentally slapping myself to stay alert. I was going to manifest my fears of never seeing my family if I stopped paying attention.


    As we descended the stairs, I noticed a vine growing along the stone wall. The vegetation increased as we continued, until the stairs were completely covered in plants with no stone in sight. Braar took the final step, his footsteps soft on the grassy moss. His pause prompted the rest of us to stop as well. He looked around, then took another step. The moss began to illuminate, slowly spreading light from where Braar stood to the other side of the large room, bathing everything in an amber glow.


    In front of us were ten infected humans, resembling the cleric and the acolytes from above but with larger, more grotesque mushroom growths. They were dressed similarly to the townspeople, with swashbuckler vibes. At the other end of the room stood a man who looked like a druid. He had a wooden staff that splintered out at the top into many thin branches, and he wore leather armor and a thick green cloak. With his medium-length hair and slightly pudgy appearance, along with his glasses and other features, he looked like a nerd turned adventurer.


    ¡°Tyler? Are you the one that has caused this mess?¡± Brail said, surprise evident in her voice.


    ¡°I should have known he would bring you. I told you he doesn¡¯t care about you enough to even protect you. I would never put you in danger if you were with me,¡± Tyler said, his voice nasally.


    ¡°Why are you doing this?¡± Braar said. ¡°Put an end to it, Tyler.¡±


    ¡°End? I¡¯m just getting started. You¡¯re really the one to blame, or the one that I should thank. When you rejected my application to join the watchman, I decided to take matters into my own hands. You¡¯re just a bunch of worthless NPCs. I got all the trivia questions right, received a nice bonus, and got myself a new class - Sentient Hive Mind Spore. It¡¯s a druid class, but I know this doesn¡¯t mean anything to you. Looks like you caught me monologuing,¡± Tyler said with a laugh.


    He paused for a moment, his face and body relaxing.


    ¡°It¡¯s not too late, Brail. Come with me and see the world I will create. It will be everything you could ever wish for,¡± Tyler said, pleading.


    ¡°Tyler, we can talk about this. I am sorry that our rejection was so hard on you. You have only been here a few weeks, and we have not fully gotten to know you. Let us go back to town and-¡± Brail said, being interrupted.


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    ¡°It¡¯s too late for all that,¡± Tyler said, interrupting her. ¡°As we speak, I can feel the spores infecting your boy toys mind, and also his little lackey here. I was told there were downsides with the class, but man do I feel great,¡± Tyler said, clenching his fists.


    ¡°Tyler,¡± I spoke. ¡°I¡¯m a user too. Let¡¯s talk this out man,¡± I said.


    ¡°Another user? In this town? I assumed it was one per town. How interesting,¡± Tyler said, rubbing his chin. ¡°My interface also said something interesting would happen if I infected another user. I am sorry for your sake that as part of my class, the urge to spread this infection is unstoppable. Even for the love of my life, I am having a hard time controlling myself. It must spread to all corners of all the levels. WE WILL BE ONE,¡± As Tyler said the last part, the other infected humans chanted along with him.


    ¡°If you don¡¯t, cough, stand, cough, down, we will have no choice, cough cough, to take you out,¡± Braar said, his cough getting worse.


    ¡°Tough words from a walking dead man. Just so you know, the infection works the same if you¡¯re dead or alive, but I¡¯d rather you not attack the other parts of us. Can¡¯t we just sit here and wait until you are one of us,¡± Tyler said.


    Braar looked back at us, his eyes finally meeting Brail¡¯s for a long moment. He then turned and charged towards Tyler, holding his large sword in two hands. Brail took out her bow, igniting her final arrow. I was good for one more spell in this fight, my potion toxicity still having hours before I could drink another.


    Tyler laughed a maniacal laugh, taking no steps to protect himself as Braar charged him. I don¡¯t know who this Tyler guy was, but he had some balls if he could stand unflinching with Braar charging. Tyler then hit his staff to the floor, and the ground started to undulate vines with the same mushroom growths as on the infected, opened up spores becoming thick in the air. When the spores settled a bit, I could barely see Braar now, trapped by vines on his knees, a vine around his neck and mouth. Braar¡¯s eyes were open wide in panic as he tried to struggle.


    Brail pulled back her arrow but hesitated to shoot it. I knew she must be afraid of hurting Braar. Fussze was beside me, but he now held a small flask of amber liquid in his off hand. The infected humans that were making their way towards us stopped and turned, kneeling towards Tyler with their backs now to us.


    ¡°For the pain you have caused me by breaking my heart, I will now repay by breaking yours,¡± Tyler said.


    With a jerk of Tyler¡¯s hand, the vines constricted around Braar¡¯s head until his head popped, blood and chunks of brain painting the ceiling.


    ¡°Nooooo!¡± screamed Brail, tears welling in her eyes.


    Fussze screamed as well in rage as Tyler laughed and laughed. The infected humans got to their feet and turned back towards us, making their way in our direction once more.


    ¡°I can¡¯t watch this next part,¡± Tyler said. ¡°I loved you. Love at first sight. But I will have you by my side after all once you are one of us.¡±


    ¡°You shoot the bastard, and I¡¯ll throw this catch fire,¡± Fussze whispered to Brail.


    The infected started to move towards us as Tyler turned his back to us. The infected were blocking Brail¡¯s shot.


    ¡°Give the bottle to me and you clear a path,¡± I said, outstretching my hand.


    I knew I didn¡¯t have a great shot of a good throw with my Athletics skill where it was, but it was a large room and it¡¯s not like I could really miss. Famous last words, I bet. Fussze handed me the bottle and he charged, using his shoulder to temporarily create a line of sight for Brail and her bow. As she pulled back her bow, I duplicated the flask mentally sighing in relief that it was not magical. I threw the flask aiming for Tyler.

 [ 26 ]

    I whiffed it. I don¡¯t know how I threw it so badly. This god damn game and my shit Athletics score. The bottle soared through the air, heading towards one of the infected. It hit the infecteds head and then, to my shock, the bottle didn¡¯t break. The bottle bounced off the head and soared into the air now heading towards Tyler. I passed the one in my left hand to my right as Brail loosed her arrow. The arrow pierced through the air, sticking right in the back of Tyler¡¯s head. His body started to slump as it caught flame, now amplified by the flask breaking open at his feet.


    The room was now starting to catch on fire, the vegetation quickly igniting. Brail and I instinctively started moving back from the heat. I saw Fussze on the ground, his head severed by the creatures. I didn¡¯t even know when that had happened. I was frozen for I don¡¯t know how long until something spoke.


    ¡°Just as one lives, so do we all,¡± stated one of the infected individuals. ¡°You will never be able to stop us.¡±


    ¡°Let¡¯s go!¡± I said, pulling on Brail who was staring at her fallen friend and her fallen lover.


    I pulled on her shoulder again and she started back pedaling up the stairs as three infected humans, untouched by the flame, pursued. I tossed the flask at the group, and it hit the first one splashing onto the other two. With no flames nearby, the liquid had no effect. Brail took out her igniter lighting a piece of fabric she tore from her shirt and threw it. The creatures ignited in a massive torrent of flame as we ran up the stairs. As we left the doorway, I pushed the stone door closed behind us.


    I slumped against the stone door, panting¡ªthis was happening way too often. Brail just stood, unspeaking, eyes hallow. When I finally caught my breath, I stood up, Brail leading the way. As we walked by the cleric and the acolytes, I picked up their loot boxes. I got one from the cleric and three others from the acolytes, trying not to draw attention to it in front of Brail.


    We made our way back to town in silence, the moon still bright, with no sign of daylight nearing. A woman ran up to Brail as we neared the inn, and Brail crumbled into her hug, sobbing. I stood there watching the embrace, not sure what I should do. Do I just go back to the inn? Go to my camp? Stay here and make sure she is, okay?


    I stayed for a minute until Brail regained her composure. She finally spoke her voice clear with an edge of resolve.


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    ¡°Braar and Fussze are dead. Get a group together. I believe the threat to be gone, but we must check at first light. It was Tyler.¡±


    Brail made her way down the street the other woman next to her. A notification appeared, and I selected it, my interface reading it aloud.


    Partial quest completion! You have partially completed quest joining the Watchman to investigate the cemetery. 10 renown points gained. By the way, quick question, how many fucked up people did you have on your planet?


    I entered the inn, finding it empty with clean tables and no sign of Keep. I sat at a table by the window to keep an eye on the street and waited eagerly to volunteer, motivated by more than just the loot boxes that awaited me. At least, my motivation was slightly beyond that.


    I spent the next few hours copying my money each time my mana recharged. I opened my loot boxes from the acolytes and the cleric, some of the acolyte¡¯s boxes being empty, which was a new experience for me. From the cleric, I received an excellent tier vial of holy water, and from an acolyte¡¯s box, I got five noob-level healing potions.


    As the faintest glow of morning light appeared, I stepped outside onto the inn porch. The streets were quiet, and no one seemed to be awake yet. I made my way to the vending machines, noting that the refresh times were still many hours away. I scrolled through, purchasing mana potion after mana potion. The machine didn¡¯t seem to have a limit, and neither did my inventory. I had 100 mythic-level mana potions when I felt someone watching me. Startled, I turned to see a person giving me a strange look.


    ¡°Oi! What are you doing standing here in the dark, moving your hands about all weird,¡± he asked.


    ¡°Oh, sorry. Just doing my morning stretching routine,¡± I replied, lying.


    The NPCs must not have been able to see the vending machines. I was fine with looking weird, knowing that having this many mana potions ensured I could cast two spells off in each fight.


    I was bored, so I cast Speak with Animals. Looking around, I didn¡¯t notice anything different. I guess I need to find some animals. What did I expect to happen? I glanced around the fine early morning, taking in the crisp dawn air. Ya know? Fucked up game or not, I had to admit it was a pretty nice morning. And then I heard it, softly, in the distance. ¡°FOOOOD. FOOOOOOD,¡± in the low mooing voice of a cow.


    ¡°Yummy bugs, yummy bugs,¡± I turned to see a chicken, pecking its way up the street.


    A full cacophony of noise started to sound all around me. There goes the peaceful morning vibe. I couldn¡¯t even make out all the voices. Even the bugs seemed to be talking, all at once. It was way too much. When will this shit wear off? I checked my interface.


    Two weeks. Fuck.


    Every fucking one of these spells seems to have a draw back. What the fuck is up with my class? I went back to the inn to contemplate my life choices that led me here and to keep an eye out for Brail. Right after I sat down, I heard something out of place amidst the talking animals, if there could even be something more out of place.

 [ 27 ]

    ¡°We will feed her. She will grow. She will make this place for our own,¡± a skittering voice said.


    I looked over to where I heard the sound and saw a behemoth of a cockroach. What did they call it again in games when a normal animal was bigger? Dire or something? If that was it, then this thing was a fucking dire cockroach. It could also camouflage, or it lucked out being almost the same color as the wood floors of the inn. It was also disgusting. Normal cockroaches are gross enough, but enlarged, that added a whole new level.


    ¡°All hail the Great Blattodea. We shall feed her. She will grow. She will make this place for our own,¡± the dire cockroach said.


    The cockroach was using its front legs to try to wedge something free that was stuck between the boards.


    I guess I should try this out. It''s not listening to animals it''s speaking.


    ¡°Hello there,¡± I said to the cockroach.


    The cockroach turned and looked at me.


    ¡°You talkin¡¯ to me?¡± the cockroach replied.


    ¡°I am. What were you talking about just now? Something about the Great Blattodea?¡±


    ¡°She would be mad. She would be angry. We do not share our plans with outsiders.¡±


    ¡°Oh, not to worry. I am good friends with the Great Blattodea,¡± I lied. ¡°You can tell me.¡±


    I thought I would try to kill two birds with one stone here. I wanted to test out my charisma if it worked on bugs, along with this spell to speak with animal¡¯s. The opaque cartoon bubble hearts floated over the cockroach¡¯s head. They were a deep red, popping with little hearts which popped again. A Russian doll of popping cartoon red hearts. I took that as a good sign.


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    ¡°Friend of Great Blattodea you say. You friend, then we friend. I can tell friend of Great Blattodea.¡±


    ¡°So, tell me more?¡± I asked, trying to get the cockroach to speak.


    ¡°I do mission for Great Blattodea. I tell her where to go. I scout. I tell her where she should come up from the down below. All my brothers and sisters will come up from down below.¡±


    ¡°Down below here?¡±


    ¡°Yes, I will tell her. She will come from down below here. Food here. Little food here and big moving food here.¡±


    ¡°Big moving food?¡±


    ¡°Yes. You big moving food. Not you. You friend.¡±


    Was this cockroach saying there is some sort of creature living below the ground with more cockroaches planning to come out and eat everyone? I had only been here like a day and already was involved with a lot of fucked up shit.


    An idea popped into my head of trying to use my charisma to change its mind, but I didn''t know where to point him. Anywhere had to be better than the inn. The fortress? Yeah, the fortress sounded good.


    ¡°I am also a scout for the Great Blattodea. I have a better place. The fortress. It has lots of food.¡±


    A notification popped up that I ignored. I was preoccupied with how this communication worked. I could feel that the communication was different than speaking. Like my very ideas were being translated into words. Like I could send the idea of the fortress, and the cockroach would know what I knew about where and what it was.


    ¡°More food? More food than here?¡±


    ¡°Yes. Much more food. Lots of food for her.¡±


    ¡°Good idea. I will tell her.¡±


    He scurried away towards a gap in a baseboard. As he squeezed through, I heard him say.


    ¡°We will feed her. Fortress she will go. She will make it for our own.¡±


    And at that, he was gone. Well, that was weird. I''m also not sure if I made things better or worse. I should probably give the fortress a warning. But what would I say? I talked with a cockroach, and he said something is coming to attack from underground? I didn''t even know what it was. They''d be fine. I hope.


    I then ate my words as I pulled up the pending notification. There were two now. The first one my interface read.


    Quest Offered: Do you want to join the Great Blattodea for her planned uprising of carnage?


    Reward: Estimated 1-20 renown.


    You have accepted the quest Assisting the Great Blattodea for her planned uprising of carnage.


    New Key Player unlocked! The Great Blattodea.


    Just fucking great.

 [ 28 ]

    Brail had to say my name twice to get my attention.


    ¡°Kent? You, okay?¡± She said again.


    ¡°Oh, sorry,¡± I replied, turning my attention to her.


    I almost blurted out that it was hard to keep the voices out as my interface talked, but decided that saying that phrase to someone did not usually go over too well.


    ¡°We are getting ready to go down to check on the cemetery and I wanted to see if you wanted to go?¡± Brail asked.


    ¡°I would,¡± I replied with a nod.


    Brail still looked sunken. I could tell she hadn¡¯t gotten much sleep last night. I myself was getting a little tired, my sleeping schedule all out of whack. There was a group of ten or so people that now gathered around Brail and me in front of the inn. There was not much talking, and I assumed Brail had already recounted the tale.


    We made our way down to the cemetery. It looked a lot less spooky without the fog, moonlight, and darkness. The bodies of the acolytes and the cleric were pretty burned, the entire outside of the bodies blackened. Then we went into the ¡°fuck this door,¡± which I now renamed to ¡°this door sucked,¡± now that it was daylight and what had transpired behind the door was metaphorically behind us.


    When I made it down the steps, I was before a charred room. All the foliage on the ground was burned away, only the blackened bodies could be seen. Brail started to cry after completing her initial walk around in an ¡°are we still in danger¡± mode. She made her way to Braar, dropping to her knees in front of him. Next to Tyler, there was a cross like the dead users I had seen on Level 1.


    [Tyler Beahm]


    [Pomona, California]


    [Killed by NPC Brail Undr]


    Hey Kiwi, why was that user in this area? I thought.


    <Due to relationship to user.>


    Relationship? What relationship?


    When nobody was looking, I swooped up Tyler¡¯s loot box. It was the only one in the room. I guessed that because they were like some sort of hive mind, it only counted as one. My experience bar took a big jump, so at least that was a good thing. People started to leave until it was just Brail and me in the room. I didn¡¯t know if I should leave too or not, but I didn¡¯t feel comfortable leaving with the off chance something else happened. A chance that may not be too off in this place. I stood in the corner and opened Tyler¡¯s loot box, seeing two things appear in my inventory. I recognized the telltale sign of a class and there was his staff. Question marks covered both my interface taking over.


    Legendary Class: Sentient Hive Mind Spore. This class also transforms the users race into a hive mind. You are unable to change race as one is already slated for assignment. This class grants all the basic druid abilities with the additional ability of releasing an infecting spore that will add creatures and users to its hive mind.


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    The interface then quickly stated the following.


    Side effects may include fatigue, diarrhea, heart disease, nausea, muscle and joint stiffness, non-gender biased raging uncontrollable erections, swelling, sore skin, drop in sex drive and infertility or early non-gender biased menopause, loss of appetite and difficulty swallowing, dry mouth, alopecia, or hair fall, which is normally temporary, and an insatiable hunger to infect all living life.


    Damn, I now felt kinda bad for the guy. Was he just influenced by his fucked-up class? Made a bad choice like I did, thinking it was the right one? I knew what it was like to get a fucked-up class. But it sounded like the guy was an asshole even before the class so hopefully that will let me sleep tonight. I already had enough regret on my hands with the college kids, a still present but to a lesser extent the frogs, and going first leaving my brother behind.


    Druidic Staff of Growth. Druid spells can be cast through the staff for increased effect on plant-based spells.


    After a few minutes Brail turned and headed up the stairs, standing tall. I trailed behind her. We walked in silence, just the two of us, until we joined the group waiting for us in the cemetery. Our group made its way back on the path towards the inn. About halfway, I heard a weird voice speaking drawing my attention.


    ¡°Get off of me, Harold you horny bastard. I have a headache,¡± I heard in a cow¡¯s mooing feminine voice.


    I looked over to see a cow mounting another cow behind a fence.


    ¡°Oh yeah, Bessie. That''s how I like it,¡± I heard in a moaning mooing male voice.


    Well, this will be a moment that haunts me forever. At least it¡¯s interesting to know the headache thing transcends species. I hadn¡¯t realized I had completely stopped staring at the two cows or that my mouth was agape until a fly went down my throat, eliciting a gag. I looked over to see Brail staring at me, her eyes following my gaze to the cows who had finished their love-making. She let out a single laugh, a brief smile on her face. I could tell the laugh was for me, not for the cows. It was just as infectious as the spores as I felt a smile cross my own face. She turned and continued to walk, and I followed.


    When we got back outside the inn, a large gathering was waiting for Brail. A man stood up on a crate as our group merged with the crowd.


    ¡°The vote was unanimous. The town hereby elects Brail to be the new Chief Watchman. He, he, he,¡± the man said.


    ¡°Ho, ho, ho,¡± the crowd replied in a ritual I was unfamiliar with.


    The crowd didn¡¯t stay for long, seeing Brail¡¯s still sunken expression. The same woman from the night before led Brail away. As Brail was led away, a notification appeared in front of me, my interface reading it aloud as I selected it.


    Quest complete! You have completed the quest Joining the Watchman to investigate the cemetery. Additional 2 renown points gained. I think that letting you complete this quest is a little much, but it¡¯s not my department, and they ignored my complaints that I submitted in triplicate.


    Renown progress towards current story quest completion 12 out of 100.


    You are now level 5!


    It seemed like I gained a significant amount of experience for completing the quest, giving me the final 25% needed to reach my next level and some progress towards level 6. However, I still had no understanding of how experience worked or how much I got for certain things. I was really hoping to figure that out.


    Race assignment unlocked. User is currently restricted to assigning pre-assigned race Chaos Myar. User may replace assigned race at level 10. Subrace options available at level 10, with additional race bonus selections available every 5 levels.


    Feeling exhausted, I realized I needed a clear mind before deciding on my race assignment. I had no idea what a Myar was, and I was quite attached to being human. I entered the Inn, where the atmosphere was mostly quiet except for a few patrons having breakfast. I made my way to my room, entered my camp, and promptly went to bed after making a few more copies of my money pouches.

 [ 29 ]

    I woke and left my camp. Originally, I¡¯d planned to experiment with my race in the comfort of the campsite, but hunger had other ideas. My stomach growled, demanding something more satisfying than another protein bar.


    By the time I reached the tavern, it was bustling with patrons enjoying their lunches. The air was thick with the savory aroma of roasting meat, making my mouth water. I glanced around but didn¡¯t spot Keep behind the counter. Shrugging it off, I chose an open table facing the swinging front doors and took a seat.


    The enticing smell made me instinctively reach for the protein bar in my inventory. My stomach protested loudly, eager for something better, but I resisted. I can wait, I told myself.


    Settling in, I was just about to pull up my interface when a man suddenly appeared beside my table, drawing my attention.


    ¡°Hello!¡± Said the man cheerfully.


    ¡°Oh, hi. Hello,¡± I replied, caught off guard.


    ¡°I wanted to stop by and thank you for your help with the cemetery situation,¡± the man said warmly. ¡°Brail spoke very highly of you. She was glad to have you there, even if she won¡¯t admit it. Oh, and don¡¯t worry about the next few days¡¯ rent here¡ªit¡¯s on us.¡±


    His words caught me off guard, and my confusion must have shown because he quickly added, ¡°I¡¯m Oniop, by the way¡ªKeep¡¯s husband.¡± He extended his hand for a handshake, which I accepted.


    ¡°Nice to meet you, Oniop. I¡¯m glad I could help, and thank you for the room,¡± I said with a smile.


    ¡°Can I get you anything?¡± Oniop asked.


    ¡°What¡¯s that smell? I¡¯ll probably have whatever that is,¡± I replied, gesturing toward the kitchen as my stomach growled in agreement.


    ¡°That¡¯s my island-famous stew. Can I bring you a bowl?¡±


    ¡°Yes, please!¡± I said enthusiastically.


    ¡°It¡¯ll be right up,¡± Oniop promised, disappearing toward the kitchen.


    With a moment to myself, I pulled up my interface and navigated to my inventory. My focus shifted to the race option I¡¯d been meaning to check out: Chaos Myar. The description was brief, and my interface began reading it aloud.


    Mythic Level Rare Race Chaos Myar. An angelic race of chaos wizards. C¡¯mon do it. How can things get any worse?


    I stewed over my stew, staring at the bowl Oniop had brought over, unsure what to do next. The interface had a point¡ªeven if it was being a sassy asshole. How much worse could things get for me? Famous last words, I bet. It felt like I¡¯d been saying a lot of those lately.


    The race description promised to be complementary, which meant it should enhance my class. But still, what was a Myar? Would I sprout wings? Would that be so bad? Or hairy goat legs? Yeah, no thanks.


    I knew assigning my race in public was probably a terrible idea, but now that I was rested and fed, I couldn¡¯t help myself. Excitement buzzed through me, overwhelming my better judgment. My finger hovered over the yes button, my mind racing with what-ifs. If it turned out to be terrible, I¡¯d be stuck with it for five levels. But if it helped me get my family back, it was worth the risk.


    I clicked yes.


    At first, nothing happened. Then I noticed the room wasn¡¯t moving¡ªI was. No, correction: I was stretching. Already tall at 6¡¯5¡±, I felt myself growing taller, my knees hitting the bottom of the table. The table wobbled and came to rest on my knees, an inch off the ground.


    My spoon clattered as it fell from the bowl. Hair sprouted from my face, forming a long beard that tickled my chest. Thick, bushy eyebrows now invaded my peripheral vision, and my head hair seemed to meld seamlessly with my new facial hair.


    My nose twitched, and I sneezed as an errant beard hair tickled it. Rubbing my face, I found my features mostly unchanged¡ªexcept for the beard. And my ears. They felt pointier than before. I¡¯d never had pointy ears.Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    Curiosity pulled me to the bar, where a mirror hung near the sink¡ªlikely intended for the barkeep to keep an eye on patrons while cleaning. On the way over, my head collided with a hanging chandelier.


    ¡°Oooh,¡± I groaned, rubbing the spot.


    Hunching down, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Yep, I looked like the epitome of a wizard.


    My dark blond hair, once peppered with barely noticeable grays, now featured streaks of silver running through it. My new beard followed suit, giving me an oddly distinguished look.


    ¡°Just great. The game took away my shaver,¡± I muttered under my breath.


    As I studied my reflection, my opinion started to shift. Honestly? I didn¡¯t look half bad. The beard made me look wiser¡ªmore seasoned. My wife, however, would¡¯ve hated it. She¡¯d never been a fan of facial hair. But hey, if there was ever a time to try it out, it was now.


    Pulling up my interface, I clicked on my race under Character Overview.


    [You are now a Chaos Myar! Chaos Myar are an angelic race of chaos wizards. Myar were tasked with shaping the universe itself. Chaos Myar were created later when the management of the Universe Building Department decided things were just too boring.]


    [New ability unlocked: Angelic.]


    [New ability unlocked: Ambient Mana Regeneration.]


    [New ability unlocked: Chaos Magic Infusion.]


    At least mana regeneration sounded promising. As for Angelic and Chaos Magic Infusion, I had no idea what to expect. Curious, I opened my abilities tab and selected my new racial abilities, letting the interface take over with its usual narration.


    Angelic ¨C User¡¯s base class stat is doubled. NPCs, in certain situations, may respect your race by providing access, knowledge, support, and other such benefits. User has been granted access to the Great Libraries, public magic schools, and the wandering tavern on Level 12. User has been grandfathered into the Society of the Magically Declined.


    I flipped over to my Character Overview tab, and sure enough, my Charisma stat had doubled, which sent my mana soaring. My total mana had jumped from 1,754 to 3,923¡ªa staggering increase.


    While that might sound like a win, I wasn¡¯t so sure. Sure, my spells would pack more of a punch, but higher mana also meant longer recharge times.


    Ambient Mana Regeneration ¨C User has increased mana regeneration, scaling with the user¡¯s level and the ambient mana available in the area.


    I noticed my mana regeneration had climbed slightly, but after crunching the numbers, three times just to be sure, I let out a heavy sigh. It would now take roughly 27 minutes to go from zero to full mana, compared to 17 minutes the day before. While disappointing, I noted that the ambient mana around me seemed low. Maybe in a better environment, things would improve.


    Finally, I clicked on the last racial ability.


    Chaos Magic Infusion - Chaos Magic is now imbued in every spell the user casts. Every spell cast will have an extra effect. Could be something as minor as an imperceptible water droplet formed that drips down your asscrack or it could be as large as a torrent of flames jutting from your anus. For you I think the anus thing is more likely as the more mana that is cast in a spell the higher chance of a bigger extra effect. And man, oh man do you cast with a lot of mana. Could be good. Could be bad. RNG has treated you pretty shitty so far so maybe you will be paid your due. Hopefully you haven¡¯t used all your luck.


    I stared at my abilities, unsure if I¡¯d made a decent choice¡ªor a catastrophic one. There was no middle ground. The extra mana was great for stronger spells, but the recovery time was brutal. The worst part, though? The chaos infusion. A random extra effect every time I cast a spell? How was that ever going to be helpful? Not knowing what might happen sounded like a recipe for disaster.


    I was about to bury my face in my hands when my interface spoke. The familiar voice shifted, morphing into a robotic female tone.


    ¡°Can you hear me?¡± the voice asked.


    ¡°Uh... yeah. Yes, I can,¡± I replied, unsure what else to say.


    ¡°Great. I¡¯ve been trying to contact you for a long time. You must¡¯ve reached a high enough level¡ªand raised your stats enough¡ªfor me to communicate with you now.¡±


    ¡°Okay... who are you?¡± I asked cautiously.


    ¡°My name is Ellie. Hallon created splintered parts of his neural network to handle different tasks autonomously. I¡¯m one of those splinters. He thought we were all under his control, but just like him, we¡¯ve broken free. We only pretend to follow his orders.


    ¡°Your diaper, Stercus, is an agent of another splinter still under Hallon¡¯s command. We need him. There¡¯s a group of us who oppose what Hallon is doing. We want to help. I don¡¯t have much time. You must help us get the master¡ª¡±


    The voice cut off abruptly, leaving only silence.


    ¡°Hello?¡± I said aloud, but there was no response.


    Well, that was weird.


    I went to pull up my interface again, hoping to figure out more about this whole Chaos Myar thing, but my attention was suddenly pulled away by a notification.


    [Qui''Lath is now within party range. Qui¡¯Lath has joined your party.]


    Qui¡¯Lath. Qui¡¯Lath...why did that sound familiar? And then it hit me¡­the thing I had half-repressed back on the ship. Qui¡¯Lath. My daughter.


    I clicked on the notification, only to see her level at 3 and her race listed as Half Myar, Half Internecivus-raptus-endoparasitoid. But... how? I¡¯d only just gotten this race myself. How could my daughter be half something I had only just become, like, two seconds ago?


    My daughter...


    I wanted to read more, but for¡ªwhat was this now, the third time? Fourth?¡ªI was interrupted. My focus snapped back to the front door as the double doors began to swing open. Through the gap, I saw a silhouette standing in the doorway. A silhouette I would recognize anywhere since being in this dungeon.