《Fragments of a Hidden Soul》


 The Difference Between Like and Love

    Looking back on it now, I wonder if what I felt was ever truly love. Perhaps it was never love, but rather a fleeting fascination with the idea of being understood, or worse¡ªbeing wanted. There was a boy. I liked him. Or at least, I thought I did. I spoke of him endlessly to my friends, so much so that they grew tired of hearing his name. When I confessed, I did so hoping for rejection. I wasn''t ready to carry the weight of affection. But instead, he returned my feelings, and in that moment, I was lost. If I had known what I wanted back then, I would have stayed silent. I regret speaking those words, not because they were untrue, but because I never thought beyond them.


    He became my first boyfriend¡ªthough "boyfriend" feels like a foreign title, something that never truly fit. I wasn''t even allowed to have one. He was quiet, reserved, the opposite of everything I was. And yet, when we met in person, it felt like the sun had somehow slipped through a crack in the sky and into my day. But even those fleeting moments of happiness felt... wrong. I tried to convince myself that his silence didn''t bother me, but it gnawed at me quietly, like a wound I couldn''t see but always felt.


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    He was sweet through messages, but in person, I was left chasing the ghost of affection. I became desperate¡ªlike a stray dog, wagging its tail in hopes of scraps. And when I finally got his attention, I would think: "This is it? This is all I was waiting for?" He loved me, I knew that much. But I could never make sense of the way he showed it. Love in real life isn''t like the movies, and I paid the price for learning that too late.


    We never had dates, no celebrations of months gone by. We were only students, after all¡ªyoung and broke, with nothing but words to exchange. And those words, though they were enough at the time, always felt hollow when I told him I loved him. Deep down, I knew I didn''t mean it. In the end, I broke up with him. I couldn''t keep lying to myself, and I certainly couldn''t feed him with pretty words I didn''t believe. There was nothing left to build with, only truths I had been too afraid to admit. I never asked him how he felt that night. Perhaps I was too cruel, or perhaps I knew that asking would do nothing but deepen a wound that was already inevitable.


    We lasted 250 days, I think. It''s strange how the heart only reveals the truth when everything is over. I realize now that I liked him, but I never loved him. I liked the way he was different from me, I liked his drawings, and I liked the way his silence intrigued me. But that was all it was¡ªan interest, a flicker of curiosity mistaken for love.


    If I could go back, I would say nothing at all. Some things are better left as they are, untouched by the illusion of wanting more.

 Thoughts Adrift

    My mind is a ceaseless void, thoughts adrift with no sense of direction¡ªyet I still find myself trying to understand my true intentions as if they were lurking under my skin. There are times when I, for some reason, am misunderstood. I can''t say that it doesn''t bother me; in fact, it makes me question my own perception of reality, to the point where I cannot distinguish whether I am good or evil.


    I feel as though I am a mirror, a mirror which reflects people''s actions and words back to themselves. But why is it that, when their own actions are reflected back to them, it is deemed intolerable?¡ªWhy is it unacceptable when I am just giving them a taste of their own medicine?


    I grew tired of explaining myself knowing that my words are like gusts of wind passing through people''s ears, it reached the point where I couldn''t care less about how people would think of me anymore, be it a good friend, the worst foe, a worthless child, a manipulative liar, or a traitor.


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    I believe that most people judge only based on what they see, thinking they can comprehend the whole story from a brief glimpse. This tendency often leads to false assumptions. When the main character of the narrative they''ve constructed discovers this, it takes an emotional toll them. In such moments, it''s a "kill or be killed" scenario¡ªa metaphor that can also mean: fight back or get stepped on. For me, if I were to choose between those two options, I would prefer to be stepped on, not because I''m hesitant when it comes to defending myself against phony speculations, but for the reason that I find pleasure in making my opponents think of me as a pitiful human. I know it makes no sense as I sound like a lunatic beyond means, though I believe it is the optimum verdict for the sake of making them think highly of themselves.

 Again, it was a belief of thinking that Id fallen in love.

    An attachment formed by a kind gesture a friend had offered.


    It all started when I was interested in a certain sport and wanted to try it out. I''m not athletic and always didn''t like the idea of playing sports, but when I saw a teacher who seemed to have fun while playing, a thought came to mind: "I want to try playing that". And so, I waited until I had free time. I forgot how it happened, but I vividly remember the moment when a friend, who was also playing, offered to teach me the basics of the sport when I was having trouble with it. Even though I wasn''t good at playing, it made me quite happy that I fulfilled my plan of trying to play that sport. I immediately thought of joining their club, but I grasped the reality of the struggles it would bear me as I was in another club. Being a member of one club was already burdensome, even I purposely ignored doing the tasks given to me, so how could I join another one? I let go of the desire and went on my day as usual.


    On the way home, I reflected on everything that happened throughout the day. The weather was enough to dry my lungs, I spent most of my time listing things for an article, and lastly, I''m thankful for the kind gesture my friend offered me. Thanks to him, I was able to try out something new. But why couldn''t I get him off my mind? all he did was teach me how to play the sport I''d been curious about. But then I remembered that moment when he was teaching me how to hold the equipment, he held my hand for a second there. It wasn''t as astonishing though since I was dumb and new to the whole thing. But that was enough to make me interested in the person he was.Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.


    A few weeks passed and I was confident enough to say to myself that I liked him, how easy it was for me to think that such a feeling would last for a long while. The feelings I had for him were significant, but trying to get close to him wasn''t something I acknowledged in doing so. Contented with being his friend while admiring from afar, I wasn''t having any problems until... I told someone about my feelings for him. The next few days went well, but I knew something was off. I found out that their whole class found out about it, and then, the person I''d been admiring knew about my feelings for him. Even though it was an insignificant matter to him, it was embarrassing for me that the person I liked found out from someone else.


    I spent a week hiding and running away from him whenever he''d be in my sight. I don''t know why I couldn''t stand seeing him in the same place I was in when he was the person I would usually look for, perhaps the embarrassment I felt was enough to make me do questionable things. I also couldn''t stand getting teased by my friends, it made me feel weak to my knees realizing what mistake I''d made telling that someone about him. But there was nothing I could do about it, I guess he had to find out one way or another. Since then, I accepted my fate anyway. I was able to interact with him normally again, though I still avoided him in some way.


    Now that I think of it, it was just another crush. I''m kind of sad to say that my feelings for him have gradually faded. He''s my friend and I''m genuinely thankful that he taught me how to play that sport.

 I was wrong

    I underestimated my feelings for too long, so I''ve never tried to understand how I felt from the beginning. I never expected to have romantic feelings for this person, yet I now know how seasons change unexpectedly. It makes me happy knowing that the person I like is a friend of mine. I don''t have any hidden intentions, and I am content with how our friendship is now. I still get nervous around him sometimes, but I''m sure he doesn''t mind. He might not feel the same as I do, though I am grateful that we are still talking to each other. It might create some awkward moments between us, because he knows how I feel about him, despite that, I believe things will be alright in time.You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.