《Glitch Slapped》 Chapter 1: The Art of Doing Absolutely Nothing Sam Walker was an asshole. No, scratch that...Sam was the asshole. The kind of guy who made babies cry with his sarcasm, turned coworkers into therapy-goers with his ¡°brutal honesty,¡± and took great pride in his ability to ruin someone¡¯s day without even trying. To Sam, it wasn¡¯t about being liked; it was about being right. And right now, Sam was right where he wanted to be: on his couch, jobless, pants-less, and gloriously alone in his crumbling temple of pizza boxes, dirty laundry, and the stale stench of an unventilated man-cave. To be fair, Sam hadn¡¯t always been this much of a douchebag. Life just kind of wore him down. But then again, maybe it was always in him, just waiting for the perfect combination of unemployment, bad relationships, and too many hours spent in online forums calling strangers ¡°mentally deficient fuckbags¡± for misplaying their characters in MMOs. He''d been employed for a full month...kicked out of his last job after what HR referred to as ¡°an entirely inappropriate use of the phrase ¡®stick it up your ass¡¯¡± on a customer service call. It wasn¡¯t his fault the idiot on the other end didn¡¯t know how to reset their router. So here he was, surrounded by the wreckage of his past life and the cold embrace of his true love...video games. The virtual world was where Sam thrived, where his assholery could be fully appreciated by teenagers halfway across the world who took his trash talk to heart. If his neighbors hadn¡¯t already reported him for yelling at the screen, they were probably just biding their time. Sam took another sip of his energy drink...a revolting concoction designed to taste like battery acid mixed with regret...and leaned back into the sticky embrace of his couch, prepared to lose another afternoon to digital carnage. ¡°Damn it!¡± Sam shouted as his character on the screen was sniped for the fourth time in five minutes. ¡°Learn to aim, you useless fuck!¡± The controller creaked under the pressure of his grip. Sam¡¯s jaw clenched, and he was about two seconds away from rage-quitting when the doorbell rang. He blinked. The doorbell? Who the hell rings doorbells in this day and age? It wasn¡¯t pizza delivery time, and if it was one of those goddamn charity kids again, he¡¯d need a new porch to go with the new personality he¡¯d chew off their pre-teen ears. With a deep sigh and an equally deep hatred for whoever was ruining his peaceful afternoon, Sam rolled off the couch like a beached whale and made his way to the door. He yanked it open, already prepared to verbally eviscerate whoever was on the other side, only to find¡­ no one. The only thing there was a small brown package sitting on his doorstep. Sam frowned. He hadn¡¯t ordered anything. Definitely didn¡¯t have the budget for impulse buys these days, what with being out of work and all. He glanced around, half expecting to see some delivery guy hiding behind a bush for the prank, but the hallway was empty. Sam picked up the box. It was lightweight, almost too light, like there was nothing inside. A plain sticker slapped on top caught his eye: Congrats on winning! Try our new game...Beta-Brain. ¡°¡®Congrats,¡¯ huh?¡± Sam muttered, eyebrow raised. He hadn¡¯t signed up for any contests. Probably some dumb marketing gimmick. But hey, free shit was free shit. Plus, ¡°FPS¡±...Federal Parcel Services...had delivered it, so it had to be legit, right? Because everyone trusted government-approved delivery services, or whatever they were. With zero caution (and even less common sense), Sam tore into the package. Inside was a sleek, futuristic-looking VR headset. The kind of high-end tech he usually only saw in clickbait YouTube videos with titles like ¡°Top 10 VR Systems You¡¯ll Never Afford!¡± It was slick...shiny black with neon blue accents along the edges, practically begging to be slapped on his head. No instructions, no branding, nothing else. Just the headset. Sam turned it over a few times, half-expecting to find a hidden catch, but nope. Just a card that read: Enjoy. Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original. ¡°Well, it¡¯s not like I¡¯ve got anything better to do,¡± Sam said to the empty room. He couldn¡¯t deny the allure. As soon as the headset was in his hands, he felt that itch...the familiar pull of something new, something exciting. It¡¯s not every day someone gets a free piece of next-gen tech, right? He powered the thing up, and before he knew it, the headset¡¯s screen flashed to life. It took less than a minute to set up. There was a brief moment of darkness, a little vertigo as the world around him blurred, and then...bam. He was in. Sam blinked and found himself standing in the middle of a dense, lush forest. The level of detail was mind-blowing. Leaves rustled overhead in the virtual breeze, casting moving shadows on the forest floor. Every blade of grass, every branch, every tiny bug crawling on a rock looked like something straight out of real life. ¡°Holy shit,¡± Sam muttered, awestruck. He¡¯d seen his fair share of VR games, but this? This was on another level entirely. It wasn¡¯t just immersive...it was like he had actually been teleported into another world. He could feel the soft dirt under his boots. The air was cool and crisp against his skin. He even swore he caught the scent of pine. His gamer heart thudded in his chest, excitement coursing through him like pure, uncut adrenaline. ¡°I could get used to this,¡± Sam muttered, taking a few steps forward. ¡°I might never leave.¡± He moved his hand, expecting a menu or HUD to pop up, but there was nothing. No UI. No map. No health bar. Just¡­ forest. ¡°Okay,¡± Sam said slowly. ¡°Maybe the HUD¡¯s not a thing yet. It¡¯s beta, right? Bound to have a few bugs.¡± But as he walked deeper into the forest, something caught his eye...something that didn¡¯t quite belong. There, about twenty feet ahead, was a tree. Only, this tree wasn¡¯t growing out of the ground like it should have been. No, this tree was floating. Upside-down. Its roots pointed toward the sky like the world¡¯s saddest attempt at abstract art. ¡°What the hell?¡± Sam walked up to it, squinting as if his eyes were playing tricks on him. But no. It was definitely a tree, and it was definitely floating. Sam blinked. ¡°Uh¡­ is this supposed to happen?¡± He reached out to touch it, half-expecting the thing to correct itself, but nothing happened. The tree stayed right where it was...just floating there, defying all logic and physics like it owned the place. "Okay, what in the unholy fuck is going on here?" Sam took a step back, suddenly feeling the unease creep up his spine. This didn¡¯t feel like a simple bug. No, something was off. Way off. It wasn¡¯t just the tree. It was everything. The more he looked around, the more it hit him...he wasn¡¯t just in some game. It was too real. Way too real. The ground beneath his feet wasn¡¯t simulated. It felt like earth, and the chill in the air wasn¡¯t some clever in-game mechanic. It was real air, biting at his skin. ¡°Wait¡­ this can¡¯t be right.¡± Sam¡¯s breath quickened as he waved his hands in front of his face, expecting to see the familiar outline of a HUD pop up. Nothing. He tried again, more frantically this time. ¡°Log out¡­ log out!¡± Nothing happened. Panic started to bubble up in his chest. He ripped the headset off...or tried to. His hands fumbled, touching nothing but the empty space where the headset should have been. It wasn¡¯t there. He looked down at his body. His hands, his arms, his clothes...they were all there, real as anything else. Too real. ¡°Shit,¡± Sam muttered, his heart racing. ¡°What the hell is going on? Am I actually in the game? Like¡­ in it?¡± This wasn¡¯t just some VR simulation. This was different. This was wrong. ¡°What the hell did I just sign up for?¡± And that¡¯s when he heard the voice. ¡°Well, well, well. Look who¡¯s finally catching on.¡± Sam whipped around, eyes wide. ¡°Who said that?!¡± ¡°I did, dumbass,¡± the voice drawled, thick with sarcasm. Sam glanced down, and that¡¯s when he saw it...a brown leather bag hanging from his side, the zipper moving like a mouth as it spoke. ¡°Holy...what the hell?!¡± Sam shouted, stumbling back. ¡°The bag¡¯s talking?!¡± ¡°Yeah, no shit,¡± the bag replied, sounding bored. ¡°I¡¯m your inventory, genius. Name¡¯s Glitch. Looks like you¡¯re stuck here, so get used to it.¡± Sam stared in disbelief. ¡°I¡¯m stuck? Like¡­ stuck stuck?¡± Glitch zipped open and closed, which Sam took as the bag equivalent of a shrug. ¡°Seems like it, buddy. Welcome to Beta-Brain, where everything¡¯s broken and nothing makes sense. Good luck, you¡¯ll need it.¡± Sam swallowed hard, the weight of his situation finally sinking in. This wasn¡¯t just a game anymore. This was a goddamn nightmare. Chapter 2: Fukcnig Glicthes Sam¡¯s hand moved through the air with all the elegance of a drunken conductor leading an orchestra in his sleep. He tried again, one more desperate swipe, waiting for the familiar interface to pop up...the logout button, the settings menu, anything. But there was nothing. No escape, no HUD, just more trees and the eerie, suffocating silence of a game world that felt a little too real. He stared blankly at the horizon, eyes wide as the sinking feeling in his gut settled in. ¡°Okay... deep breath, Walker. You can figure this out.¡± Sam wasn¡¯t the type to panic easily. It took a lot to rattle him. He was the kind of guy who stayed calm while his apartment caught fire because, you know, ¡°insurance will cover it.¡± But this? This was a whole new level of What the actual fuck. He swiped his hand again, waving it in front of his face. Still no menus, no logout, nothing. "Goddammit!" He yelled into the quiet forest, his voice echoing back at him. ¡°How the hell do I log out of this thing?!¡± "Yeah, that''s not gonna work," said Glitch, the smartass inventory bag hanging from his side, its zipper mouth curling with that signature smirk Sam was already growing to hate. ¡°You can wave your hands around all you like, but let me spoil the ending for you...there¡¯s no menu.¡± Sam¡¯s breath hitched. ¡°What do you mean, no menu? There¡¯s always a menu!¡± ¡°Not here,¡± Glitch said with far too much nonchalance. ¡°Beta-Brain¡¯s got bigger problems than no logout button, buddy. But hey, at least you¡¯ve got me for company, right?¡± ¡°Oh, fantastic,¡± Sam muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. ¡°I¡¯m stuck in some half-baked, broken VR nightmare with a bag that never shuts up. Great.¡± ¡°Hey, it could be worse,¡± Glitch offered cheerfully. ¡°How the hell could this be worse?¡± ¡°You could be dead.¡± Sam threw his hands up. ¡°Oh, wow. Thanks for the uplifting pep talk, bag of wisdom.¡± He needed to think. This was just a game, right? Sure, there was no menu, no HUD, and a talking bag, but there had to be a way out. Sam had been in plenty of buggy betas before. He¡¯d even been soft-locked in a few games where he couldn¡¯t move or interact with anything until the devs patched it. This was probably just like that, right? A weird glitch in the system. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. ¡°Alright, alright. Let¡¯s just¡­ find someone who can fix this. Maybe there¡¯s an admin or some NPC who can help.¡± ¡°Good luck with that,¡± Glitch quipped. ¡°This place isn¡¯t exactly crawling with players...or anyone, for that matter.¡± Sam frowned, glancing around at the dense forest. The world felt too empty. In a game this realistic, there should have been other players running around, completing quests, slaughtering monsters. But all he¡¯d seen so far was trees and silence. The usual hum of bustling NPCs or other players was absent. It was unsettling. ¡°Where the hell is everybody?¡± Sam asked, more to himself than to Glitch. ¡°Good question,¡± Glitch said. ¡°Maybe the devs forgot to load them in, or maybe they just decided to leave you all by your lonesome.¡± Sam sighed. "That''s comforting." He started walking, hoping that movement would give him some clarity or at least lead him to something resembling a solution. The forest seemed to stretch on forever, trees blending into each other like a never-ending loop of badly rendered backgrounds. For all he knew, the game had soft-locked him into a forest purgatory where he¡¯d wander forever. And then, something strange started happening. It began with a lightness in Sam¡¯s steps. At first, he thought he was just imagining it, but then he realized his feet were barely touching the ground. It was as if the gravity in the game had decided to take a break. His body floated an inch or two off the ground, and he flailed his arms to keep from floating away entirely. This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. ¡°What the hell?!¡± Sam yelped, trying to steady himself. ¡°Looks like gravity¡¯s drunk,¡± Glitch said, sounding far too amused for Sam¡¯s liking. ¡°It happens sometimes. You¡¯ll get used to it.¡± ¡°Get used to it?! I can barely keep myself on the ground!¡± As if on cue, gravity came roaring back with a vengeance. Sam slammed into the dirt, the force of it making him groan in pain as he tried to push himself up. The weight was almost unbearable, like the game had decided to crank the gravity up to eleven just to fuck with him. ¡°For crying out loud,¡± Sam growled, pushing himself to his feet, his legs straining under the newfound heaviness. ¡°Why is this game such a goddamn mess?¡± ¡°Beta, buddy. Bugs are part of the charm,¡± Glitch said with a chuckle. ¡°Though, I gotta say, you¡¯re handling it better than most would. I¡¯ve seen players rage-quit over less.¡± ¡°Rage-quit?¡± Sam let out a bitter laugh. ¡°I wish I could quit. I¡¯ve been trying to quit for the last ten minutes!¡± He kept walking, struggling under the shifting gravity, hoping that things would stabilize eventually. He needed to find someone...anyone...who could help him figure out how to get the hell out of here. But the more he walked, the more bizarre things became. A few minutes later, Sam came across an NPC...or what he assumed was an NPC. The guy was standing in the middle of the path, staring off into space like his brain had just blue-screened. His movements were jerky, his limbs twitching every few seconds as if the game couldn¡¯t decide where to place him. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± the NPC asked, his voice robotic, as though his dialogue tree was stuck on repeat. Sam narrowed his eyes. ¡°What¡¯s wrong with this guy?¡± ¡°Meet Loop,¡± Glitch said dryly. ¡°He¡¯s stuck. Probably has been for a while. All he does is offer you the same quest over and over again. He¡¯s not broken, exactly...just poorly programmed.¡± ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± ¡°Yeah, no shit,¡± Sam muttered, waving a hand in front of Loop¡¯s face. The NPC didn¡¯t even flinch. ¡°This is just sad.¡± ¡°Well, it¡¯s a good representation of the entire game,¡± Glitch quipped. ¡°Broken, repetitive, and only half-functional.¡± Sam sighed. ¡°Might as well see what this ¡®quest¡¯ is about.¡± He reluctantly accepted the quest, watching as Loop handed him a scroll with robotic precision. The moment Sam grabbed it, the NPC froze, his arm still outstretched, his eyes vacant. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± ¡°Christ, this guy¡¯s more useless than my last boss,¡± Sam muttered, unrolling the scroll. The quest text was as generic as it could get: ¡°Find the thing. Bring it to the place. Get the reward.¡± Sam stared at the scroll for a long moment, his disbelief turning into a slow-burning frustration. ¡°That¡¯s it? That¡¯s the quest? Find what thing? Bring it to what place? What the hell is this garbage?¡± ¡°Welcome to Beta-Brain,¡± Glitch said with a snicker. ¡°I¡¯d give you a tutorial, but there isn¡¯t one.¡± Sam rolled up the scroll and stuffed it into Glitch¡¯s open zipper. ¡°This game¡¯s a fucking joke.¡± ¡°Hey, don¡¯t blame me. I¡¯m just here to carry your shit.¡± Speaking of which, Sam¡¯s inventory suddenly flooded with random items...stuff he hadn¡¯t picked up. One second his inventory was empty, the next, it was filled with the most useless collection of junk he¡¯d ever seen. A rusty spoon, a stack of rocks, a bottle labeled ¡°Mystery Liquid,¡± and¡­ cabbages? ¡°What the hell?¡± Sam grumbled, pulling out a rusty spoon. ¡°Why do I have a spoon?¡± ¡°You¡¯d be surprised how many uses a spoon has in the heat of battle,¡± Glitch said, clearly enjoying himself. ¡°And what the hell am I supposed to do with cabbages? Feed a village?¡± Glitch snickered. ¡°You¡¯re overthinking it. They¡¯re probably just there to mock you.¡± ¡°Wonderful,¡± Sam muttered, shoving the spoon and cabbages back into the bag. ¡°Is there anything in here that¡¯s useful?¡± ¡°Not really,¡± Glitch replied, his zipper curling into another one of his sarcastic grins. ¡°But don¡¯t worry. I¡¯ll keep all your useless junk safe.¡± Sam clenched his fists. ¡°This is bullshit.¡± ¡°Beta-brain, baby,¡± Glitch said, zipping open and closed like he was cracking a joke. ¡°Glitches are part of the charm.¡± Sam couldn¡¯t help but let out a bitter laugh. ¡°If by ¡®charm,¡¯ you mean ¡®hellish nightmare,¡¯ then yeah. Super charming.¡± He kept walking, trying to ignore the random items that kept popping into his inventory, the flickering trees, and the occasional NPC who appeared and then glitched back out of existence. The world felt broken, like it had been cobbled together by a team of developers who had given up halfway through and decided to leave everything on autopilot. It was becoming painfully obvious that the game didn¡¯t work. But worse than that, Sam was trapped in this mess with no way out. He tried again to access the logout screen, waving his hands in front of his face, trying to call up a menu, a map...anything. Still nothing. Just the empty forest, the flickering glitches, and the increasingly annoying presence of Glitch at his side. ¡°Alright, Walker,¡± Sam muttered to himself. ¡°Think. You can figure this out. There¡¯s gotta be a way out.¡± Glitch¡¯s voice cut in. ¡°You really think the devs are going to fix this? You¡¯re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. There¡¯s no magical patch coming to save your ass.¡± Sam¡¯s heart sank. He knew Glitch was right. This wasn¡¯t just a bug or a glitch. This was something much worse. He wasn¡¯t just stuck in a game...he was trapped in a world that didn¡¯t even function properly. Panic started to bubble up in his chest, but he shoved it down, forcing himself to stay calm. ¡°I¡¯ll find a way out. I always do.¡± ¡°Sure, keep telling yourself that,¡± Glitch said with a dry chuckle. ¡°Maybe you¡¯ll get lucky and the devs will magically fix everything.¡± Sam didn¡¯t respond. He just kept walking, hoping that the further he went, the more sense things would start to make. But as the forest stretched on and the glitches grew worse, one thing became painfully clear. He was stuck. And there was no way out. ¡°Fuck,¡± Sam muttered under his breath. ¡°Yup,¡± Glitch said cheerfully. ¡°Welcome to Beta-Brain, where everything¡¯s broken, and so are you.¡± Sam groaned. This was going to be one hell of a nightmare. Chapter 3: A Quest for Sanity Sam stared at the NPC, Loop, whose dead-eyed stare drilled into his soul for what felt like the hundredth time in the last two minutes. The guy was still stuck in the same repetitive motion, his mouth half-open, like he was about to deliver the Gettysburg Address but had been rebooted halfway through. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± Loop asked again, his voice a slow, robotic drone. Sam clenched his fists. "Buddy, if you ask me that one more time, I¡¯m gonna..." Before Sam could finish his threat, his body jerked forward involuntarily, and out came the words, ¡°I like licking hairy taints!¡± Sam froze. His eyes widened in horror. That definitely wasn¡¯t what he meant to say. In fact, it was the last thing he ever intended to say in his entire life. He slapped a hand over his mouth, staring at Loop, who looked as bewildered as an NPC could look. Glitch, the sentient bag hanging off Sam''s hip, burst into a fit of laughter so intense his zipper flapped open and closed like a dying fish. ¡°Oh, this is rich! Didn¡¯t know we were learning new hobbies today, Sam.¡± ¡°I...what the...¡± Sam sputtered, completely dumbfounded. ¡°I didn¡¯t say that!¡± ¡°No, you didn¡¯t mean to say that,¡± Glitch corrected, still wheezing with laughter. ¡°But boy, did it come out perfectly clear. A+ delivery.¡± Sam growled. ¡°I think the game¡¯s glitching. There¡¯s no way that just happened.¡± Loop, still standing there like a confused child who¡¯d just discovered fire for the first time, blinked slowly. ¡°Can we¡­ quest for a hairy taint?¡± Glitch lost it again, practically rolling with laughter at Loop¡¯s innocent question. Sam¡¯s face twisted in a mix of disgust and confusion. ¡°No, Loop! No one is questing for hairy taints! Jesus, what is wrong with this world?¡± Loop¡¯s robotic head tilted to the side, his programming clearly struggling to process Sam¡¯s outburst. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± Sam groaned, running his hands through his hair. ¡°I can¡¯t believe this is happening. I¡¯m trapped in a game with a glitchy bag, a broken NPC, and...wait, did I just say I¡¯m trapped?¡± That¡¯s when the realization hit him like a ton of bricks. He wasn¡¯t just stuck in the game. This wasn¡¯t some simple bug where a quick restart would fix everything. The smells, the sounds, the tangible feel of dirt under his boots...it was all too real. He was too real. This wasn¡¯t just a game; it was some twisted version of reality where nothing made sense, and everything was falling apart. ¡°Shit,¡± Sam whispered. His hands shook slightly as he tried to make sense of it all. ¡°This isn¡¯t just a glitch, is it?¡± ¡°Congrats, Sherlock,¡± Glitch drawled. ¡°Took you long enough. You¡¯re in a real-world version of the game. Fun, right?¡± Sam¡¯s heart pounded in his chest. ¡°Real world? That can¡¯t be possible. This is a fucking game! There¡¯s gotta be a way out!¡± ¡°Well, if there is, it¡¯s not going to be found by standing here chatting with Captain Loop-the-Same-Line-of-Dialogue,¡± Glitch said, his voice still tinged with amusement. ¡°Might want to move before you start spouting more gems about your... unique preferences.¡± Sam took a deep breath and glared at Loop, who had resumed his usual stance of awkward NPC helplessness. ¡°Do... you... quest?¡± Sam¡¯s eye twitched. ¡°Yes, fine. I accept your fucking quest, Loop. Just stop asking me.¡± The words left his mouth, and Loop handed over the same scroll he¡¯d been offering for what felt like an eternity. As soon as Sam grabbed it, the NPC froze again, locked in his default stance with that vacant stare. For a moment, Sam thought Loop might¡¯ve glitched himself into oblivion, but then...just when Sam thought he was free of the endlessly looping question...Loop spoke again, his voice a strange mix of monotony and existential dread. If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. ¡°I am¡­ broken.¡± Sam paused, staring at Loop. ¡°Wait. Did you just... did you just say something that wasn¡¯t ¡®Do you quest?¡¯¡± Loop nodded, albeit awkwardly, his movements stilted and forced. ¡°I¡­ repeat¡­ because I am¡­ programmed¡­ to.¡± Sam blinked, unsure if he was hallucinating. ¡°Holy shit, he¡¯s becoming self-aware.¡± Glitch chimed in, his voice laced with snark. ¡°Looks like someone¡¯s having an existential crisis.¡± Loop twitched again, his eyes flickering like the lights of a faulty neon sign. ¡°I¡­ question¡­ my existence. Why¡­ do I only¡­ ask¡­ about quests? Why do I¡­ repeat?¡± Sam didn¡¯t know what to say. It was like watching a robot slowly gain consciousness and then immediately question why it existed. He could almost feel sorry for the guy...almost. But before he could say anything comforting or insightful, Sam''s mouth betrayed him once again. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" Sam shouted involuntarily, his body jerking in random directions. Loop stared blankly. ¡°You¡­ have a way with words.¡± Sam clamped his hands over his mouth, eyes wide in horror. Glitch was positively cackling at this point, his zipper opening and closing in exaggerated mockery. ¡°Oh, this is good. You¡¯ve got the mouth of a sailor and the grace of a broken modem. What¡¯s next, ¡®I love feet pics¡¯?¡± Sam growled through gritted teeth. ¡°It¡¯s the glitches! I can¡¯t control it!¡± ¡°Yeah, well, it¡¯s funnier for me, so keep at it,¡± Glitch replied with a smirk. ¡°Honestly, I¡¯m starting to think this place is designed to mess with you.¡± Sam threw his hands up. ¡°It¡¯s not enough that I¡¯m trapped in this glitchy nightmare. Now I¡¯m turning into some sort of foul-mouthed marionette with no control over what I say!¡± Loop tilted his head again, confusion flickering in his pixelated eyes. ¡°Do you¡­ want to quest for¡­ feet pics?¡± ¡°Absolutely not!¡± Sam barked. ¡°Why would you even...never mind. Forget it.¡± ¡°Too late,¡± Glitch said, unable to hide his amusement. ¡°The quest for feet pics has already been filed. You just have to bring it to the right place.¡± Sam glared at the sentient bag. ¡°You¡¯re not helping.¡± ¡°I disagree,¡± Glitch replied smugly. ¡°I think I¡¯m helping a lot. Look, if you can¡¯t laugh at this situation, you¡¯re going to lose your mind, and then where will we be? I don¡¯t want to carry around a babbling lunatic.¡± ¡°Too late,¡± Sam muttered, swiping the air out of frustration as if a menu would magically appear. ¡°Alright, I need to get it together. Let¡¯s figure out what this quest is actually about.¡± He unrolled the scroll Loop had given him. It was exactly as generic and unhelpful as he¡¯d expected. Find the thing. Bring it to the place. Get the reward. ¡°That¡¯s it?¡± Sam asked, staring at the scroll in disbelief. ¡°That¡¯s the entire quest?¡± ¡°Yep. Real groundbreaking stuff,¡± Glitch said. ¡°They really pulled out all the stops on this one.¡± Sam groaned, his head falling back in exasperation. ¡°Okay, fine. We¡¯ll find the thing. Whatever it is.¡± ¡°Any guesses as to what the ¡®thing¡¯ might be?¡± Glitch asked sarcastically. ¡°Probably some random glitchy object that¡¯ll disappear before I can even grab it,¡± Sam said dryly. ¡°Seems to be the theme around here.¡± Sam took a deep breath and trudged forward, Loop trailing behind him like a lost puppy. The air was thick with that weird, too-real atmosphere, and Sam¡¯s mind kept racing. This wasn¡¯t just some game. It was real. And somehow, he was trapped inside it. Every time he took a step, he could feel the ground beneath his boots, hear the crunch of leaves underfoot, and even smell the earthy scent of the forest. ¡°This is seriously messed up,¡± Sam muttered. ¡°Welcome to the club,¡± Glitch said. ¡°Population: you, me, and existential-NPC over here.¡± Loop, now seemingly aware of his existence but still stuck in his programming, kept trying to contribute to the conversation. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ like leaves?¡± Sam turned to glare at Loop. ¡°No, Loop. I don¡¯t like leaves. I¡¯m just trying to figure out how to get out of this messed-up world without turning into some sort of profanity-spewing glitch puppet, alright?¡± Loop nodded solemnly. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± Sam groaned again. ¡°We¡¯re really not getting anywhere, are we?¡± ¡°Nope,¡± Glitch said cheerfully. ¡°But at least we¡¯re doing it together.¡± As Sam walked, the world around him continued to glitch. Trees flickered in and out of existence, gravity occasionally decided to take a break, and random objects appeared in his inventory without warning. At one point, he checked his bag to find a rubber chicken, a pair of socks, and what appeared to be a jar of pickles. ¡°What the hell am I supposed to do with all this?¡± Sam asked, holding up the jar of pickles. ¡°You could offer it as tribute to the gods of this shitty game,¡± Glitch suggested. ¡°Or just eat the pickles. You¡¯ve probably got time.¡± Sam shook his head, his frustration growing. He needed answers. He needed a way out. But all he had was a broken NPC, a snarky bag, and a quest that made no sense. For the first time in his life, Sam was at a loss. He clenched his fists. ¡°Alright, fine. We¡¯ll find this fucking ¡®thing,¡¯ bring it to the ¡®place,¡¯ and get whatever useless reward this game wants to throw at us. But I swear to god, if I glitch out and start talking about hairy taints again, I¡¯m going to lose it.¡± Glitch¡¯s bag zipper was flapping with raucous laughter,. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, Sam. I¡¯m sure the glitches have nothing to do with your inner desires, you disgusting fuck!¡± he yelled howling in laughter. Chapter 4: ASS-ASS-In Training Sam wasn¡¯t entirely sure how many more glitches he could tolerate before completely losing his shit. He had been wandering through a forest that seemed less ¡°enchanted¡± and more ¡°what-the-fuck-is-this?¡± for what felt like an eternity, and things weren¡¯t getting any better. The trees flickered between vibrant green and pixelated static, gravity kept forgetting to do its job, and the only thing keeping him company was a sentient bag that had the personality of a smart-ass middle manager. As he took a deep breath, contemplating whether smothering himself with Glitch was a viable escape option, a glowing red message popped up in front of him, blocking his view of the chaotic landscape and generally shitting on whatever semblance of sanity he had left. ERROR: NO CLASS SELECTED. STAT POINTS UNASSIGNED. PROGRESSION HALTED UNTIL YOU CHOOSE A CLASS AND ASSIGN STAT POINTS. Sam blinked at the glowing message, rubbing his eyes as if that might somehow make it disappear. Spoiler: it didn¡¯t. ¡°What the actual fuck?¡± Sam muttered, wondering how the hell he¡¯d managed to stumble into this never-ending carnival of confusion. He wasn¡¯t in a game; this was real-too real. He could smell the damp, glitchy dirt beneath his feet and feel the cold bite of the air around him. And now there were error messages? "Oh, good," came a voice from his hip. The leather bag hanging at his side, the ever-helpful Glitch, had its zipper curled into what could only be described as a smirk. "You¡¯ve finally triggered the most basic part of this world. I was beginning to think you¡¯d wander around like a clueless dipshit forever." Sam glared at Glitch, wondering how far he could throw the talking bag before it bounced back like some kind of fucked-up boomerang. ¡°What the hell is this about? I didn¡¯t even know I needed a class.¡± ¡°Well, obviously,¡± Glitch replied, his tone dripping with condescension. ¡°That¡¯s because you¡¯re about as observant as a brick with brain damage. But hey, lucky you, you get to choose a class now. You know, so you can stop being completely useless.¡± Sam clenched his fists, feeling a rush of irritation. ¡°Alright, asshole. How do I do this?¡± Glitch¡¯s zipper curled again. ¡°Oh, now you¡¯re asking for help? What a plot twist. Fine, let me walk you through it since your survival instincts are about as sharp as a spoon.¡± Before Sam could snap back, a new interface materialized in front of him. It was filled with a list of classes: Warrior, Mage, Cleric, Ranger, and Assassin. Each one came with a brief description of what it entailed, but Sam¡¯s eyes were immediately drawn to one in particular. Assassin. Something about the word called to him. Stealth, precision, the idea of taking out targets from the shadows. Hell, he might actually be good at it. ¡°I¡¯ll go with Assassin,¡± Sam said, a small grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. Glitch snorted. ¡°Assassin? Really? You? You can barely walk in a straight line without tripping over your own feet, and you think sneaking around in the shadows is your calling? But sure, go ahead. I can¡¯t wait to see how this shitshow unfolds.¡± Sam rolled his eyes and selected the Assassin class. The interface flickered for a moment, then another glowing message appeared: CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE ASS-ASS-IN CLASS. Sam¡¯s grin faltered. ¡°Wait. What?¡± ¡°Yup,¡± Glitch said, barely containing his laughter. ¡°It says ¡®Ass-Ass-In.¡¯ Looks like you¡¯re living your best life, my friend.¡± Sam groaned. ¡°This world is fucking broken.¡± ¡°Oh, you¡¯re just noticing now? I¡¯ve been telling you that since you got here, genius. But hey, at least now you have a class to fail at.¡± Sam waved the message away and rubbed his temples. ¡°Fine, I¡¯m an Ass-Ass-In. What the hell do I do now?¡± ¡°Well, now you have to assign your stat points,¡± Glitch said with the air of someone explaining quantum physics to a toddler. ¡°You know, so you don¡¯t immediately die the first time something sharp comes at you. Let¡¯s break this down so your tiny brain can handle it.¡± Another interface popped up, showing his base stats: He had 30 points to assign, and before he could even think about where to put them, Glitch chimed in again. ¡°Here¡¯s where you completely fuck it up. You¡¯ll want to put points into Dexterity because, you know, you¡¯re an ¡®Ass-Ass-In,¡¯ and you¡¯ll probably need to dodge more shit than you hit. Also, throw some points into Constitution unless you enjoy being one-shotted by squirrels.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not an idiot,¡± Sam grumbled, moving the Dexterity slider up to 15. ¡°And what about Strength?¡± "Oh yeah, sure, put points there if you enjoy overcompensating for something. But don¡¯t go crazy. You¡¯re not exactly going to be bench-pressing dragons.¡± Sam nudged Strength up to 10 and paused. ¡°What about Luck? Why do I need Luck?¡± Glitch let out a long-suffering sigh. ¡°Luck is for people who make terrible life choices. Which, judging by your current situation, is very fucking relevant to you. Trust me, you¡¯re going to want at least five points in that-or more if you can admit you¡¯re a walking disaster.¡± Sam huffed and bumped Luck up to 8. He threw the remaining points into Constitution and Intelligence, leaving Wisdom embarrassingly low. He wasn¡¯t going to need much wisdom if his main job was stabbing people in the dark, right? Once the points were assigned, the glowing message blinked out of existence, replaced by another one. SKILLS ACQUIRED: STEALTH, BACKSTAB, DEADLY PRECISION. Sam¡¯s heart raced. ¡°Holy shit. I actually got skills? Like, real assassin skills?¡± "Don¡¯t cream your pants just yet," Glitch said, his zipper mouth curling into that infuriating smirk. "You got the basic skills, but knowing this world, they¡¯re probably about to-" Before Glitch could finish, another pop-up flashed in front of Sam¡¯s face: This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. ERROR: SKILL STEALTH HAS BEEN MODIFIED TO ''BUTT OF SHADOWS.'' SKILL BACKSTAB HAS BEEN MODIFIED TO ''BACK-SIDE-STAB.'' DEADLY PRECISION HAS BEEN MODIFIED TO ''MEH, CLOSE ENOUGH.'' Sam stared at the message, his excitement rapidly draining away. "You¡¯ve gotta be fucking kidding me." ¡°Well,¡± Glitch said, practically wheezing with laughter now, ¡°I did warn you about the glitches. Looks like your skills got... upgraded.¡± ¡°Upgraded?¡± Sam spluttered. ¡°What the fuck is Butt of Shadows?¡± "Sounds like the kind of thing you¡¯d use to sneak up on someone while giving them a very unfortunate view," Glitch said between fits of laughter. "And Back-Side-Stab? Oh, please tell me you¡¯re going to try that one out. I need to see this in action." Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to let his mounting frustration boil over. "Okay. Fine. I¡¯ll make it work. Whatever these dumbass skills are, they¡¯re all I¡¯ve got." He couldn¡¯t let the glitches win. Not when he was just starting to get the hang of things. "That¡¯s the spirit," Glitch said, still chuckling. "Keep that ass of yours lucky, and you might just survive this world yet." Before Sam could respond, he heard a low growl behind him. His body tensed as the ground beneath his feet vibrated with heavy, deliberate footsteps. Slowly, he turned, eyes narrowing as a monstrous wolf-like creature emerged from the forest¡¯s shadows. But this wasn¡¯t just a normal wolf¡ªif anything, it was barely a wolf at all. The creature was glitching wildly, its form flickering between that of a standard wolf, a bear-like beast, and, for some inexplicable reason, a chair with legs. Its jaws snapped open and shut, teeth clicking together like broken gears. Every so often, its limbs would stretch and distort, like the creature was being pulled apart by an invisible force, only to snap back together in the wrong configuration. Sam took a step back, the dagger in his hand suddenly feeling far less reassuring than it had a moment ago. "What the hell is that thing?" "Oh, just your typical corrupted wildlife,¡± Glitch said with a shrug. ¡°No big deal. You should try out that new skill of yours. You know, Back-Side-Stab. Do it! You might accidentally give it the best death of its life.¡± Sam rolled his eyes, though his grip on the dagger tightened. The wolf-creature¡¯s six glowing eyes locked onto him, its growl deepening as it prowled closer, glitching with each step. Sam could feel his heart pounding, and every nerve in his body screamed at him to run, but that wasn¡¯t an option. He wasn¡¯t going to die here¡ªnot because of a bugged-out wolf with a furniture fetish. ¡°Well,¡± Sam muttered under his breath, ¡°guess it¡¯s time to test out the Butt of Shadows.¡± He activated the skill, half-expecting it to fail, but to his surprise, his body flickered and vanished, slipping into the shadows like a poorly coded ninja. The wolf blinked, clearly confused as its prey disappeared from sight. "Well, damn," Sam whispered, creeping behind the beast as it sniffed the air, its glitchy limbs jerking with each movement. "Maybe this stupid skill isn''t so bad after all." Sam positioned himself directly behind the creature, raised his dagger, and activated Back-Side-Stab. As soon as the skill kicked in, Sam felt the absurd surge of power flood through him¡ªlike his butt cheeks were glowing with the force of a thousand neon signs. ¡°Alright, here goes nothing,¡± Sam muttered, plunging the dagger into the wolf¡¯s back. The effect was immediate¡ªand ridiculous. Instead of a clean stab, a loud FWOOMP echoed through the clearing as the blade lit up, sending out a comically bright flare of light. The wolf¡¯s eyes widened, and for a brief moment, it stopped glitching entirely, as if the game itself didn¡¯t know how to process what had just happened. Then, without warning, the creature exploded. Not in a normal ¡°monster-death¡± kind of way, but in a full-blown, over-the-top explosion of corrupted pixels and distorted code. The beast disintegrated, its body breaking apart into chunks of glitchy debris that scattered across the forest floor. Sam stood there, dagger still raised, eyes wide as bits of pixelated wolf rained down around him. ¡°What the actual fuck?!¡± Sam exclaimed, staring at the remains of the monster. ¡°I didn¡¯t even hit it that hard!¡± ¡°Well,¡± Glitch said, practically wheezing with laughter now, ¡°I did warn you about the glitches. Looks like your skills got... upgraded.¡± LEVEL UP! YOU HAVE REACHED LEVEL 2. Sam blinked, momentarily stunned by the notification. "I leveled up?" "Looks like it," Glitch said, sounding slightly more impressed than usual. "Guess that kill gave you enough experience. Don¡¯t get cocky, though. It¡¯s only going to get weirder from here." Sam took a deep breath, the glow of the message fading as the reality of his situation sank in. He wasn¡¯t just some clueless guy stumbling around a glitchy world anymore. He was an Ass-Ass-In with, well, weird-ass skills, but skills nonetheless. "Alright," Sam muttered, adjusting his grip on the dagger. "What¡¯s next?" "Oh, you¡¯ll find out soon enough. Something tells me the universe isn¡¯t done fucking with you just yet." Sam glanced around the forest, half-expecting another glitchy nightmare to stumble out of the trees at any moment. But for now, the world was quiet-too quiet. Sam stared down at the glitchy remains of the creature, still fizzing and pixelating like a broken video file. He was about to move on when something caught his eye-something small, shiny, and very out of place amidst the digital wreckage. "Wait a second¡­" He crouched down, squinting at the pile of dissolving pixels, and there it was. A small object had appeared, hovering just above the ground. It shimmered like an old-school RPG treasure chest, except this one had weird neon lights around the edges, flickering on and off like it was powered by a faulty circuit. "Oh, would you look at that?" Glitch said, his voice filled with smug amusement. "Our friend here dropped some loot. Go on, grab it-before it glitches out and turns into something less useful. Like a sock. Or worse, a motivational poster." Sam hesitated for a moment, expecting the glowing object to either disappear or explode in his hand. But after a quick glance at Glitch, he reached out and snatched it up. A glowing message appeared: ITEM ACQUIRED: ITCHY DAGGER Stats: The dagger appeared in Sam¡¯s hand, sleek and black, with an unsettling aura. The blade was smooth, but something about it felt... off. Maybe it was the way the handle tingled in his grip, or the fact that it seemed to twitch in and out of reality for a split second-just enough to make him question if it was real. "Itchy Dagger?" Sam muttered, turning it over. "Why does it feel like it¡¯s alive? And itchy?" "Itchy, huh?" Glitch snickered. "Well, nothing says ¡®trustworthy weapon¡¯ like something that feels like it¡¯s got a case of poison ivy." "Great," Sam grumbled. "A glitchy-ass dagger. Just what I needed." But as soon as Sam put the dagger into his belt, the world around him flickered. For a moment, everything from the trees to Glitch himself blinked out of existence. When things reappeared, the dagger felt solid again, and Sam was left rubbing his eyes. "Okay, what the hell was that?" Sam muttered. "You''ll get used to it," Glitch said with a nonchalant wave. "Things just... glitch. This place doesn''t exactly follow normal rules." Sam gave the dagger one more suspicious glance before heading deeper into the forest. Every step he took, the world seemed to pulse with uncertainty-like reality itself wasn¡¯t entirely sure it wanted to stick around. Trees flickered, shadows warped, and the ever-present hum of glitches filled the air. "Let¡¯s just get this over with," Sam muttered, pulling his hood up as he marched forward. "Next thing I know, this dagger¡¯s going to itch itself out of existence." As if in response, the dagger glitched again, and for a brief moment, the handle felt like it was vibrating with a life of its own. Sam continued trudging through the forest, his mind still racing from everything that had just happened. He had killed a glitchy monster, gained weird-ass skills, and leveled up. It was a lot to take in. As the adrenaline finally began to ebb, another thought crossed his mind. ¡°I wonder what my full status looks like now.¡± "Oooh, exciting," Glitch said sarcastically. "Let¡¯s take a peek at your magnificent self. I¡¯m sure it¡¯ll be a real confidence booster." Ignoring the sarcasm, Sam focused, mentally pulling up his status sheet. A glowing interface popped up in front of him, neatly displaying all his stats and skills. For the first time since he¡¯d arrived in this insane world, he could actually see everything laid out clearly. Sam stared at his status sheet for a long moment, absorbing the information. "Lucky Ass, Butt of Shadows... Jesus, what kind of cursed existence is this?" "Your best one yet," Glitch chimed in with a cackle. "I¡¯ve never seen a stat sheet so beautifully absurd. It¡¯s almost poetic." Sam swiped the status sheet away, muttering to himself, "This is gonna be a long-ass journey..." Chapter 5: Misfits United Sam wiped the sweat from his brow, glaring at the flickering trees in front of him. The world around him felt like it was caught in a fever dream: the trees occasionally blinked out of existence, the ground warped and distorted with each step, and the sky overhead rippled like bad CGI. For all intents and purposes, reality itself was losing its shit. ¡°Tell me again why I haven¡¯t just laid down and let the glitches take me,¡± Sam muttered, dragging his boots through the warped mud. "Because you¡¯re too dumb to give up and too unlucky to die gracefully,¡± Glitch replied from his usual spot, hanging off Sam¡¯s hip with that ever-smug tone of voice. ¡°Besides, you¡¯d probably mess up your own death. Wouldn¡¯t want to leave this world in even more shame, would you?¡± Sam kicked a stone, watching as it glitched mid-air, blipping out of existence before phasing back in a few feet down the road. ¡°Yeah, because surviving here is such a blast.¡± The two had been wandering through this broken, messed-up world for what felt like days. There wasn¡¯t even a clear sense of time here-just endless glitchy forests, stuttering landscapes, and the growing realization that Sam had no idea what he was doing or where he was going. Ahead of him, through the digital haze of the forest, a sign flickered into existence. It was nailed crookedly to a tree that shifted between wood and static, its letters glitching between The Drunken Misfit and The Mistake. ¡°Great,¡± Sam muttered, squinting at the flickering building that loomed behind the sign. ¡°A tavern run by a mistake. Sounds about right.¡± ¡°Oh, come on,¡± Glitch purred with delight. ¡°You¡¯ll fit right in.¡± Sam sighed and trudged toward the door. His instincts screamed for him to turn back, but given the universe¡¯s determination to screw him over no matter what he did, there didn¡¯t seem to be much point. Might as well see how deep the rabbit hole went. _____ The tavern¡¯s interior wasn¡¯t much better than the outside. The walls shifted between rough stone and a glitchy, pixelated mess. Tables flickered in and out of existence, patrons glitched mid-conversation, and Sam couldn¡¯t tell if the warped music playing in the background was supposed to sound like that or if it was another symptom of the world¡¯s ongoing mental breakdown. At the bar, a woman with mismatched clothing poured drinks for a few bedraggled patrons. Her form glitched as much as the tavern itself-one moment she looked like an ordinary woman, the next, she morphed into a pixelated fox-human hybrid with a wicked grin. Sam slid onto a barstool, glancing sideways at the other patrons. They all looked¡­ defeated. Disheveled, glitching in and out of proper form, and completely out of place. ¡°Looks like a group of people who¡¯ve given up on life,¡± Sam muttered. ¡°Perfect,¡± Glitch said. ¡°Your people.¡± Before Sam could reply, the bartender sauntered over, her form glitching again as she leaned on the counter. Her smile was sly and full of mischief, and Sam got the distinct feeling that she enjoyed the chaos of this world far more than anyone should. ¡°New face,¡± she said, eyeing him up and down. ¡°You must be fresh meat.¡± ¡°Fresh?¡± Sam scoffed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. ¡°I feel more like rotten leftovers.¡± The woman chuckled, a deep, raspy sound that made Sam feel like he¡¯d just wandered into the lair of a particularly sadistic predator. ¡°I¡¯m Trinket,¡± she said, tapping the counter. ¡°Owner of this fine establishment. And judging by the look on your face, I¡¯m guessing you¡¯re another poor bastard who got sucked into this world without a clue.¡± Sam snorted. ¡°You guess right. You got a club for that or something?¡± ¡°More like a guild,¡± Trinket said, her grin widening. ¡°We call ourselves the Misfits. And by the looks of it, you¡¯re exactly the kind of chaos we like to recruit.¡± Sam raised an eyebrow. ¡°Recruit? Lady, I just walked in. I¡¯m not sure I¡¯m ready to join some glitchy social club.¡± ¡°Oh, you¡¯ll warm up to it,¡± Trinket replied, leaning closer. ¡°You¡¯re not the first one who¡¯s stumbled in here, and you won¡¯t be the last. We¡¯re all from the same place-the real world. Some of us got plucked out of boring desk jobs, others from more exciting gigs, but one thing¡¯s for sure: we all ended up here, stuck in this broken-ass world with no way back.¡± Sam¡¯s ears perked up. ¡°You¡¯re from Earth?¡± ¡°Yup,¡± Trinket said, sliding a drink across the counter. ¡°One minute I¡¯m minding my own business at a concert, and the next I¡¯m here, pouring drinks for glitch-ridden assholes. Welcome to the party.¡± Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on. Sam glanced around the tavern again, eyeing the other patrons. It was like looking at a collection of washed-up characters from a bad sitcom, each of them bearing the telltale signs of someone who had been teleported here against their will. ¡°You¡¯re all from Earth?¡± Sam asked, more out of disbelief than curiosity. ¡°Every last one of us,¡± Trinket replied. ¡°And most of us got stuck with glitchy powers and messed-up classes. Welcome to the guild where we make it work. Kind of.¡± Sam leaned back, folding his arms. ¡°So, let me guess. You found a way to deal with all this glitchy bullshit?¡± Trinket¡¯s grin widened. ¡°Oh, we didn¡¯t just deal with it. We embraced it. You see, trying to fix things in this world? That¡¯s a lost cause. You¡¯ll drive yourself mad. So we Misfits decided to do what we do best-thrive in chaos.¡± Sam narrowed his eyes. ¡°That sounds like a load of crap. You¡¯re telling me you just let this world glitch around you, and you¡¯re fine with it?¡± Trinket shrugged. ¡°Fine is relative. But we¡¯ve made it this far, haven¡¯t we? And that¡¯s better than most can say. You¡¯ve got two choices in a world like this: lose your mind trying to fight it, or lean into the madness.¡± ¡°Yeah, well, I¡¯m not exactly big on leaning into madness,¡± Sam muttered, glancing at his drink as it flickered between a pint of ale and a mug of glittering liquid. Before he could stop himself, his mouth moved on its own and he shouted ¡°I LOVE LICKING HAIRY TAINTS!¡± Sam froze, his face turning red, and his eyes widened in horror. The words had left his mouth as easily as breathing-totally unbidden and with no chance to shove them back in. Trinket blinked, staring at him like he¡¯d just grown a second head. A few patrons at the bar turned to look, eyebrows raised in shock, and someone in the back choked on their drink. ¡°I didn¡¯t-oh, shit-¡± Sam sputtered, clapping a hand over his mouth. Glitch, on the other hand, was howling. His zipper mouth opened wide, the leather of his bag body convulsing as he cackled in sheer, unadulterated glee. ¡°Oh my god!¡± Glitch wheezed, his voice cracking with laughter. ¡°You-you fucking said it! No, you shouted it! AGAIN! You can''t write this stuff! This-this is too good! ¡®I love licking hairy taints¡¯? What the fuck, Sam! Oh, I¡¯m never going to let this one go!¡± Glitch exploded again into uncontrollable laughter, his entire being convulsing with amusement. His zipper mouth stretched impossibly wide, and the leather of his bag body quivered as he howled like a maniac. ¡°I¡¯m literally losing my mind over this! This is pure, unadulterated comedy gold! I can¡¯t believe you just did that in front of all of these people!¡± Sam¡¯s mortification deepened as Glitch continued his relentless, uproarious laughter, practically rolling in the air. The damn bag was reveling in every second of it, bouncing against his side, practically rolling in the air in uncontrollable laughter.The damn bag was enjoying this way too much. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to say that!¡± Sam hissed, his face burning with embarrassment. ¡°It just-it just slipped out!¡± ¡°Well, whatever slipped out,¡± Glitch gasped between fits of giggles, ¡°was fucking beautiful. I¡¯m framing this moment in my glitchy little heart.¡± Trinket blinked, and then, slowly, a grin spread across her face. ¡°Oh, you¡¯re gonna fit in here just fine.¡± Before Sam could respond, a familiar voice cut in from behind him. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± Sam groaned. Loop had appeared beside him, the NPC¡¯s glassy eyes staring vacantly ahead as he repeated his favorite line. ¡°Loop, for fuck¡¯s sake, not now,¡± Sam muttered, but Loop was as relentless as ever. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ want a taint-licking quest?¡± Sam¡¯s eyes widened in horror. ¡°What the hell?!¡± Glitch lost it. If he had been laughing before, now he was howling with such force that his zipper mouth seemed to be stretching wider than physically possible. ¡°OH SHIT! OH FUCK! YES! YES! YES! PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS REAL!¡± Loop, as usual, remained oblivious to the chaos he was causing. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ want¡­ a taint-licking quest?¡± ¡°NO, I DON¡¯T WANT A TAINT-LICKING QUEST!¡± Sam shouted, his voice cracking with frustration. But it was too late. Glitch was practically in tears. ¡°I can¡¯t! I can¡¯t fucking breathe!¡± he gasped. ¡°You-Loop-this is too fucking good! A taint-licking quest! Oh, Sam, you¡¯re a goddamn treasure!¡± Sam, meanwhile, buried his face in his hands, trying to drown out both the mortification and Glitch¡¯s howling laughter. ¡°This world is going to kill me. Slowly. Painfully.¡± ¡°Or,¡± Trinket said, barely able to contain her own laughter, ¡°you could stick around. You fit in better than you think.¡± ¡°Someone-please-make it stop,¡± Sam groaned. Trinket leaned in, her grin sly. ¡°I¡¯m serious. You¡¯ve got the kind of energy we thrive on here. The world¡¯s not going to stop being a clusterfuck anytime soon, but if you¡¯re willing to stick around, we could use someone like you. Someone who can, uh, roll with the punches. Or, you know, the taint-licking quests.¡± Sam raised his head just enough to shoot her a glare. ¡°You¡¯re not helping.¡± ¡°Oh, but I think I am,¡± she said with a chuckle. ¡°Look, Sam. Everyone here? We¡¯ve all been where you are. Confused, embarrassed, wondering how the hell we ended up in this broken world. But here¡¯s the thing-we¡¯ve learned to survive. And if you¡¯re willing to stop fighting the madness and lean into it, you might just survive too.¡± Sam hesitated, glancing around the tavern again. The patrons were slowly returning to their drinks, some still snickering under their breath. Loop had wandered off, thankfully taking his ¡°quest¡± with him, and Glitch was still catching his breath, a few stray chuckles escaping every now and then. ¡°I don¡¯t know¡­¡± Sam muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. Trinket tilted her head, her smile softening. ¡°You don¡¯t have to decide right now. But think about it. This world¡¯s not going to fix itself. And you¡¯ve got something most people don¡¯t-you¡¯ve got a sense of humor about it. That¡¯s how you survive here.¡± Sam sighed, glancing down at Glitch, who was still grinning like a madman. ¡°I guess that¡¯s one way to look at it.¡± Trinket poured another drink, sliding it over to him. ¡°So, what do you say? Stick with us, see how it goes? We Misfits could use a guy like you. Just¡­ maybe leave the taint-licking stuff to your private time.¡± Sam groaned, grabbing the drink. ¡°You¡¯re never going to let me live that down, are you?¡± ¡°Not a chance,¡± Glitch said, still giggling. ¡°Best day of my fucking life.¡± ¡°Fine,¡± Sam muttered. ¡°But if Loop shows up with that quest again, I¡¯m throwing him off a cliff.¡± Chapter 6: Welcome to the Freak Show Sam had barely caught his breath after his latest verbal outburst-his still-glowing, shame-inducing ¡°I Lick Hairy Taints¡± moment-when Trinket led him into the Misfits'' makeshift arena. The flickering, glitch-riddled room felt like it could fall apart at any moment. The walls shifted between stone and something that looked suspiciously like half-melted pixels, the floorboards phased in and out of existence, and there was an unsettling hum, like reality itself was running on a dial-up connection. ¡°Oh, this looks safe,¡± Sam muttered, rolling his eyes as he stepped inside. He could feel his nerves twitching just by being in the room, as if the whole world was waiting for an excuse to go to shit. Which, in this world, seemed like a pretty regular occurrence. ¡°You¡¯re gonna love this,¡± Glitch said, practically vibrating with excitement. ¡°They¡¯ve probably rigged this thing to fall apart in ways you can¡¯t even imagine.¡± ¡°Thanks for the vote of confidence,¡± Sam muttered, but he couldn¡¯t shake the feeling that Glitch was probably right. ¡°So, how exactly does this thing work?¡± Trinket stood at the edge of the arena, her fox-like features glitching in and out. She looked far too pleased with herself. ¡°It¡¯s simple, really. You survive.¡± Sam raised an eyebrow. ¡°That¡¯s it?¡± ¡°Well,¡± Trinket said, grinning, ¡°there¡¯s a little more to it than that, but I figured I¡¯d let you experience the fun firsthand.¡± Sam shot her a flat look. ¡°Great. I¡¯ve always wanted to die in an arena made out of bad coding.¡± ¡°Oh, don¡¯t be such a baby,¡± Trinket said, smirking. ¡°Think of it as a chance to prove yourself. Or die. Either way, we¡¯ll be entertained.¡± ¡°Fantastic,¡± Sam grumbled, rolling his shoulders and trying to loosen up. His muscles were still stiff from the constant stress of existing in this hellhole, but what choice did he have? The only way out was through. ¡°Before you get your ass handed to you,¡± Glitch chimed in, ¡°might I remind you that you¡¯ve got a few stat points to assign? You know, so you don¡¯t die like a complete dipshit?¡± Sam groaned. ¡°Right, right. Stats.¡± He opened his status screen with a flick of his hand, the familiar glowing interface popping up in front of him. Sam Walker ¨C ASS-ASS-In Level 2 Unassigned Stat Points: 15 Base Stats: ¡°Let¡¯s not fuck this up,¡± Sam muttered to himself, eyeing the points. He shoved five into Constitution because if this arena was as glitchy as it looked, he¡¯d need to survive more than one hit. Another five went into Dexterity-if he couldn¡¯t hit the target, then he was just screwed from the get-go. And then there was Luck¡­ Glitch was eyeing him-or at least, Sam felt like he was being judged. ¡°Don¡¯t forget Luck, dumbass. You know, the one stat that might stop you from face-planting in a pile of shit?¡± Sam scowled. ¡°You really think it¡¯ll make a difference?¡± ¡°Buddy, in this world, you need all the Luck you can get. Especially with your track record of failure.¡± ¡°Alright, alright!¡± Sam huffed, sliding the remaining five points into Luck. The number blinked up to 13, and he closed the screen with a resigned sigh. ¡°Happy now?¡± ¡°Oh, I¡¯m over the fucking moon,¡± Glitch said, his zipper-mouth curling into a smug grin. ¡°Now let¡¯s see how fast you get wrecked.¡± Trinket clapped her hands, and the whole room seemed to flicker in response. ¡°Alright, Sam, time to see what you¡¯re made of. The challenge starts¡­ now.¡± For a second, nothing happened. Sam blinked, glancing around the arena, half-expecting something to explode. But then the floor rippled under his feet, and with a sharp crack, a figure materialized in the center of the arena. It was an NPC-or at least, it used to be one. Its body flickered between digital static and solid form, constantly phasing in and out of existence. It jerked forward, its movements glitchy and unpredictable, like a marionette being controlled by someone with Parkinson¡¯s. ¡°Oh, that¡¯s not fucking creepy at all,¡± Sam muttered, pulling out his Itchy Dagger, which immediately twitched in his hand like it had been infected with fleas. ¡°Meet your target,¡± Trinket said from the sidelines, grinning like a lunatic. ¡°All you have to do is take it down.¡± The NPC lurched forward, its head spinning in a grotesque, impossible circle, and Sam felt his stomach drop. ¡°Of course,¡± he muttered. ¡°Because nothing can ever just be normal.¡± He raised the dagger and darted forward, hoping his Butt of Shadows skill would activate properly. But the moment he stepped into the NPC¡¯s range, his foot slipped, the skill fizzled, and he found himself skidding directly into the NPC¡¯s outstretched arms. This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report. ¡°Shit!¡± Sam cursed as the NPC¡¯s glitchy hand swiped through his torso, knocking the wind out of him. He tumbled to the ground, feeling the sharp sting of the arena¡¯s floor digging into his back. Glitch was practically howling with laughter. ¡°Oh, this is beautiful! You can¡¯t even manage basic stealth!¡± ¡°Shut up Glitch, I''m trying to concentrate!¡± Sam yelled, scrambling to his feet. He tried again, this time activating Back-Side-Stab. The good news? The skill activated. The bad news? The skill sent him flying backward-directly into the wall. Sam hit the wall with a thud, his body leaving a Sam-shaped dent as he groaned in pain. ¡°You¡¯ve got to be fucking kidding me.¡± Trinket chuckled. ¡°Well, you¡¯re not dead yet.¡± ¡°I¡¯m working on it,¡± Sam groaned, pushing himself back to his feet. The NPC jerked toward him again, its arm glitching as it extended far longer than it had any right to. Sam ducked, rolling out of the way just as the NPC¡¯s fingers brushed the spot where his head had been. ¡°Alright, enough of this shit,¡± Sam growled. He charged forward, his Itchy Dagger twitching in his hand, and this time he managed to land a hit-sort of. The dagger pierced the NPC¡¯s side, and for a brief moment, Sam thought he¡¯d actually done something. But then the NPC flickered, its body shifting out of reality, and when it blinked back, it was standing behind him. Sam spun around, cursing under his breath. ¡°This is impossible!¡± ¡°Not impossible,¡± Glitch said, his voice full of smug amusement. ¡°Just impossibly difficult. You¡¯re welcome.¡± Sam grit his teeth and lunged again, trying to stay one step ahead of the NPC¡¯s unpredictable movements. The fight was pure chaos-every time he thought he had the upper hand, the damn thing would glitch out of existence, only to reappear and knock him flat on his ass. After what felt like an eternity of dodging and missing, Sam finally managed to land a decent hit. His dagger sank into the NPC¡¯s chest, and for a moment, the creature flickered violently, as if struggling to hold its form together. ¡°YES!¡± Sam shouted, his heart racing. ¡°Suck it, glitch boy!¡± But before he could celebrate further, a familiar voice cut through the chaos. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± Sam froze. ¡°Not now, Loop!¡± The NPC flickered again, but Sam¡¯s focus was pulled to the side, where Loop had materialized just outside the arena, his blank stare locked on Sam. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± Loop asked again, as if he hadn¡¯t already asked a thousand times before. Sam was about ready to throttle him. ¡°YES! I FUCKING QUEST! SHUT UP!¡± As soon as the words left his mouth, a notification blinked into his vision. Hidden Quest Activated: Glitched Arena. Bonus Activated. Sam blinked. ¡°What the hell?¡± Before he could make sense of it, the NPC lunged at him again, but this time Sam¡¯s reflexes kicked in faster than he expected. He dodged to the side, and in one smooth motion, drove his dagger into the NPC¡¯s neck. The creature let out a distorted screech as its body flickered violently, and then-finally-it exploded into a shower of glitchy pixels. Sam stood there, panting, his heart racing, his muscles screaming in protest. The arena was silent for a moment, the flickering walls and floors slowing down as if the world itself had paused. ¡°I¡­ I did it?¡± Sam gasped, staring at the spot where the NPC had just been. ¡°Barely,¡± Glitch said, but there was an edge of reluctant respect in his tone. ¡°And you almost didn¡¯t, dipshit.¡± Before Sam could respond, two notifications blinked into view: Victory! Arena Challenge Complete. You have been awarded: Pixel (ERROR) Hidden Quest Complete! Reward: Glitch-Bound Bracelet. Sam¡¯s brow furrowed. ¡°What the fuck is a ¡®Glitch-Bound Bracelet¡¯?¡± Before Glitch could chime in with some smartass response, a small, metallic bracelet materialized in front of him. It shimmered, its surface flickering like everything else in this broken world. Sam snatched it out of the air and turned it over in his hands. The bracelet felt cold to the touch, and as soon as his fingers made contact with it, a series of stats blinked into his vision: Glitch-Bound Bracelet +10 Dexterity +5 Luck Special Effect: Randomly causes either a boost or a penalty to equipped stats during combat. ¡°Well, shit,¡± Sam muttered, fastening the bracelet around his wrist. ¡°I guess this¡¯ll come in handy-if it doesn¡¯t fuck me over at the wrong time.¡± ¡°Oh, it¡¯ll fuck you over,¡± Glitch said, his voice full of glee. ¡°That¡¯s the fun part.¡± Before Sam could argue, the next notification blinked in: Level Up! You have reached Level 3. 15 Stat Points Available. Sam blinked. ¡°Wait¡­ already?¡± ¡°Looks like that hidden quest gave you an extra push,¡± Glitch said, a mischievous glint in his voice. ¡°You lucky bastard.¡± Sam groaned. ¡°Alright, let¡¯s see¡­¡± He opened his stat screen again, eyeing the available points. After a moment of consideration, he dumped 10 into Dexterity, figuring he needed more agility in this insane world, and split the remaining five between Luck and Constitution. ¡°You¡¯re gonna need all the help you can get,¡± Glitch said. ¡°Especially with Pixel glitching out over there.¡± As if on cue, a small, glitchy creature materialized in front of him. It flickered between a ball of light, a tiny robot, and, for some reason, a toaster, before finally settling on the form of a cat-though its fur was more static than anything solid. ¡°Oh, what fresh hell is this?¡± Sam muttered, staring at the creature. ¡°Pixel,¡± Glitch said, his voice full of glee. ¡°Oh, I like this one.¡± Pixel meowed, though it came out as more of a digital warble, and it glitched out of existence for a moment before reappearing on Sam¡¯s shoulder. Trinket clapped from the edge of the arena. ¡°Well, well. I wasn¡¯t expecting you to trigger that particular reward, but I guess the world had other plans.¡± Sam glared at her. ¡°What the hell is this thing?¡± ¡°That,¡± Trinket said, grinning, ¡°is Pixel. One of the last Glitch Guardians. Or at least, it used to be. Now it¡¯s more like a¡­ companion. And congratulations-it¡¯s yours now.¡± Pixel nuzzled Sam¡¯s cheek, its fur buzzing like static, and Sam resisted the urge to fling it off. ¡°Great. Just what I needed. Another glitchy pain in the ass.¡± ¡°Oh, you¡¯ll learn to love it,¡± Trinket said, her grin widening. ¡°Pixel¡¯s a bit of a wildcard, but it¡¯s got potential. If you can stabilize its abilities, it could be a real asset. Or, you know, it might just turn into a toaster again. Either way, fun times ahead.¡± Sam sighed, running a hand through his hair. ¡°Yeah... fun times...¡± Glitch cackled. ¡°Oh, you know it!¡± Pixel¡¯s form flickered again, briefly turning into a toaster before reappearing in its cat form, nuzzling Sam¡¯s neck with a warbling purr. ¡°Great,¡± Sam muttered. ¡°I¡¯m the proud owner of a goddamn glitching house appliance.¡± ¡°Welcome to the Misfits,¡± Glitch said, barely containing his laughter. ¡°You¡¯ll fit right in.¡± Sam Checked his status Sheet: Chapter 7: The weight of Reality Sam Walker had always been good at bullshitting his way through life. If sarcasm were an Olympic sport, he¡¯d have taken home gold every year without even trying. But as he sat alone in the flickering, glitch-ridden base of the Misfits, something was beginning to gnaw at him, something he couldn¡¯t laugh off or push away with a witty insult. He was starting to realize the horrible truth: This wasn¡¯t just some messed-up fever dream. This might be his reality. Forever. No internet. No bad pizza. No mindless MMO grinding to tune out the world. Nothing. All the shit he used to enjoy doing¡ªbeing a sarcastic asshole in forums, ruining someone¡¯s day on a customer service call¡ªit was gone. All of it. His old life, his shitty, isolated existence, was a million miles away. And here? In this fractured, glitchy hellhole, he couldn¡¯t even tell what was real half the time. The weight of that realization was like a lead block sitting on his chest. For weeks, he¡¯d managed to get by on pure snark, violence, and the kind of dumb luck that only seemed to hit when you didn¡¯t actually need it. But as the days in this new world dragged on, it was starting to sink in. The little voice in the back of his head¡ªthe one that used to whisper snide comments and smug truths¡ªwas getting quieter. In its place was something far more dangerous: doubt. What if I¡¯m stuck here? It had been easy to ignore at first. Between glitching monsters, insane quests, and his new Ass-Ass-In class, there had always been something to distract him. But tonight, in the quiet of the Misfit¡¯s base, with nothing but the soft crackle of glitching torches and the hum of distant machinery, there was no more running from it. Sam leaned forward in the creaky chair, elbows on his knees, and stared down at his hands. Fuck. Is this really it? Is this my life now? He thought back to his old life¡ªbefore all of this. He had been a professional asshole by design. It wasn¡¯t that he didn¡¯t care what people thought of him; it was that he got a sick kind of pleasure out of pushing their buttons. He wasn¡¯t just cruel. He was precise. His insults were calculated, his sarcasm a scalpel he wielded with the kind of expertise that made others recoil. He loved pissing people off. And why shouldn¡¯t he? If they couldn¡¯t handle it, that was their problem. In a way, being a dick had always been his shield. It kept people at arm¡¯s length, made sure no one got too close. The more enemies he made, the fewer people he had to let in. The fewer people he had to actually care about. That had been his mantra: Better to be hated and alone than risk giving a shit. But now, as he sat in this broken world where nothing made sense, he felt that shield crumbling. For the first time, it wasn¡¯t enough to just be a sarcastic asshole. Here, no one gave a fuck about his smartass remarks. His jabs didn¡¯t land the way they used to. Hell, even Glitch barely reacted to his insults half the time. In this world, being right didn¡¯t matter. Being clever didn¡¯t matter. All that mattered was surviving¡ªand right now, Sam wasn¡¯t so sure he wanted to keep fighting. For the first time, in a long time, he felt small. And he fucking hated it. Is this really it? Sam¡¯s thoughts circled back to the same question, as if the answer was going to magically change if he thought about it hard enough. Is this where I¡¯m stuck forever? No one was coming to get him. No one cared that he was here. Hell, who would even notice he was missing? His old life wasn¡¯t exactly bursting with friendships and deep relationships. He¡¯d isolated himself on purpose, like a fortress made of sarcasm and shitty behavior. And now, here he was¡ªalone in a world where nothing made sense. The ultimate cosmic joke. He felt a lump form in his throat, but he pushed it down with a rough cough. No way. I¡¯m not doing this. Not here. Not now. But the weight of it kept pressing, pushing him into a corner he didn¡¯t want to be in. He¡¯d always been good at avoiding uncomfortable feelings¡ªburying them under layers of snark and spite. But this? This was different. There was no one to push away. No one to insult into submission. Just him and the brutal reality that, for the first time, he might actually be alone. Forever. Sam ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the roots to ground himself. He hated this feeling. It was too much. Too real. And fuck, he was tired of feeling helpless. His thoughts spiraled. What was the point of all this? Fighting? Leveling up? Gaining powers? If there was no escape, no way to get back to his shitty apartment, his shitty internet, and his shitty life¡­ then why keep going? Maybe he was just delaying the inevitable. ¡°You¡¯re sulking again,¡± came the familiar, cocky voice of Glitch from his hip. ¡°What, no wisecrack this time? You¡¯re really off your game today, Taint Lover.¡± Sam bit back a groan, staring blankly at the floor. ¡°I¡¯m just¡­ processing,¡± he muttered, not bothering to make eye contact with the talking pouch. ¡°Processing? Jesus, who are you and what have you done with Sam Walker, King of Fuckery?¡± Glitch said, his zipper mouth curling up in a smug smirk. ¡°Come on, where¡¯s that biting wit you always brag about? Don¡¯t tell me this place is getting to you.¡± Sam¡¯s shoulders sagged. ¡°You wouldn¡¯t get it.¡± ¡°Oh, I wouldn¡¯t get it? Really? Try me, smartass.¡± There was a long pause as Sam mulled it over. The truth was, he didn¡¯t want to explain what was going on in his head. He didn¡¯t want to admit that this world was starting to crack him, that he was struggling to cope with the idea of being stuck here. But for some reason, the words tumbled out anyway. ¡°I can¡¯t¡­ I can¡¯t tell what¡¯s real anymore,¡± Sam said, his voice quieter than usual. ¡°It¡¯s all fucked. Every time I think I¡¯ve got a handle on this place, it glitches. Or throws some new bullshit in my face. It¡¯s like nothing I do matters. I¡¯m just¡­ floating in a sea of broken code and randomness.¡± ¡°Well, welcome to the fucking club,¡± Glitch finally said, his voice softer, almost too soft for Sam to register at first. There was none of the usual biting sarcasm, no smug undertone that he¡¯d grown so used to hearing. It was unsettling. ¡°You think you¡¯re the first one who¡¯s felt like that? I¡¯ve been through this with more people than I can count, Sam. You¡¯re not the only one who¡¯s lost their shit here.¡± Sam blinked. Glitch was¡­ being serious? That was a first. He looked down at the sentient pouch in disbelief, waiting for the inevitable punchline that never came. The silence that followed felt heavy, like the room itself had shifted under the weight of that statement. Sam¡¯s mouth opened, but he wasn¡¯t sure what to say. It felt wrong to let this moment pass without calling bullshit, but something stopped him. Something in Glitch¡¯s tone. For the first time, the sarcastic bastard wasn¡¯t playing a game. He wasn¡¯t deflecting or making fun of Sam¡¯s misery. This was real. ¡°Really?¡± Sam asked, trying to keep the sarcasm that usually came so easily from leaking into his voice. The word felt almost foreign on his tongue. When was the last time he had actually been genuine? ¡°Yeah, really,¡± Glitch replied, his voice not changing, not cracking into laughter, not delivering some snide remark. ¡°I¡¯ve seen plenty of people who thought they were going to figure it all out. Thought they were going to beat the glitches, or find some kind of escape. Spoiler alert: none of them did. Most of them either gave up or went completely batshit. You? You¡¯re doing better than most.¡± Sam let out a hollow laugh, the sound bitter and sharp. ¡°Yeah, right. Better than most. I¡¯m still here, sure, but what the fuck does that mean? I haven¡¯t done shit.¡± ¡°No, seriously.¡± Glitch wasn¡¯t having it. ¡°You¡¯re still here. You¡¯re still trying to figure it out. That¡¯s more than I can say for the rest of the assholes who came before you.¡± Sam leaned back, his mind still trying to process the idea that Glitch had seen this before. He always assumed the pouch had been¡­ well, he hadn¡¯t really thought about it, had he? Glitch was just there¡ªthis snarky, annoying asshole who happened to live on his hip. He didn¡¯t have a story, not really. At least, not one Sam cared to ask about. But now? Now it felt like the world was tipping sideways, and Sam wasn¡¯t sure where the ground was anymore. ¡°How many?¡± Sam asked, his voice quieter now. ¡°How many people have you been stuck with?¡± Glitch was silent for a moment, and for a second, Sam thought he wasn¡¯t going to answer. But then the pouch let out a long, slow sigh. ¡°I lost count. After a while, you stop trying to keep track. They all start blending together. Different names, different faces, but the same story. The same arc.¡± ¡°Same arc?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± Glitch replied, his zipper curling in what might have been a frown. ¡°They all go through the same stages. First, they¡¯re all about the power. The abilities. They think this world¡¯s just another game to beat, another system to master. And they do, for a while. They get stronger. This was before all of the glitches though. Hell, some of them even become legends.¡± Sam¡¯s eyebrows raised. ¡°Legends?¡± Glitch snorted. ¡°Oh yeah. The world loves its legends. You wouldn¡¯t believe the stories I¡¯ve heard. They start out as nobody, and then they carve out kingdoms, lead armies, kill gods, the whole damn thing. But it never lasts.¡± This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. Sam could feel the bitterness in Glitch¡¯s words, and for once, it wasn¡¯t directed at him. ¡°What happens?¡± Sam asked, leaning forward now, his elbows resting on his knees. He wasn¡¯t sure why, but he needed to know. ¡°Why doesn¡¯t it last?¡± ¡°They hit the wall.¡± Glitch¡¯s voice darkened, and Sam felt a chill run down his spine. ¡°The wall no one talks about. The one that stops everything dead in its tracks. They get to the top, and suddenly they realize¡ªthere¡¯s nothing after that. No answers, no escape. Just more nothing. And that¡¯s when they break.¡± Sam swallowed hard. ¡°What do you mean, break?¡± ¡°I mean they crack under the weight of it all,¡± Glitch replied, his voice eerily calm. ¡°Some of them go mad. Some of them give up. They just stop trying. They just disappear or they find something sharp and make it quick. They just¡­ disappear. Either way, they stop fighting. ¡± A knot formed in Sam¡¯s chest, and for a moment, he couldn¡¯t breathe. ¡°And you¡­ watched all of this happen?¡± Glitch let out a soft laugh, but there was no humor in it. ¡°Watched? Hell, I was right there. Carried their junk, listened to their rants, their breakdowns, their final words. I saw it all. I¡¯m always the last thing they talk to before they go.¡± Sam felt a weight settle in his gut. He wasn¡¯t sure why, but the image of Glitch, a sarcastic, sentient pouch¡ªsitting silently by as hero after hero lost their mind, broke down, and gave up, made his stomach twist. It was¡­ fucked up. ¡°You ever try to stop them?¡± Sam asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Glitch was quiet for a long moment. ¡°No.¡± Sam blinked. ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°Because it¡¯s not my job to save them, Sam.¡± Glitch¡¯s voice was flat, resigned. ¡°I¡¯m not a guide. I¡¯m not some guardian angel. I¡¯m just a pouch. I hold their crap, I throw up what they need, and I let them fall apart when they¡¯re ready. That¡¯s the deal.¡± Sam shook his head. ¡°That¡¯s¡­ cold.¡± ¡°That¡¯s reality,¡± Glitch replied. ¡°You¡¯re not the first. And you won¡¯t be the last. So yeah, welcome to the fucking club.¡± The silence that followed was heavy, but it wasn¡¯t uncomfortable. Sam felt a strange sense of¡­ comfort. Not from the idea that countless others had failed before him¡ªhell, that was terrifying¡ªbut from the fact that Glitch was sharing this with him at all. The pouch didn¡¯t have to talk about his past. He didn¡¯t have to open up, even a little. But he did. And that meant something. For the first time since Sam had landed in this world, he felt a sliver of connection with someone¡ªeven if that someone was a smartass pouch with a questionable sense of humor. ¡°Look, Sam,¡± Glitch continued after a long pause, ¡°I know this place is fucked, but you¡¯re not doing it alone. You¡¯ve got me. Whether you like it or not.¡± Sam smirked. Glitch said, ¡°You¡¯re still here, right?¡± Sam chuckled, shaking his head. ¡°Yeah, yeah. I¡¯m still here.¡± ¡°And you¡¯re still you,¡± Glitch added. ¡°You haven¡¯t broken yet. You haven¡¯t hit that wall. And maybe, just maybe¡­ you won¡¯t.¡± Sam raised an eyebrow. ¡°You trying to give me a pep talk now?¡± Glitch snorted. ¡°Fuck no. I¡¯m just saying, you¡¯re still going. That¡¯s something.¡± For a moment, Sam didn¡¯t know what to say. He wasn¡¯t used to this¡ªfeeling something other than sarcasm or anger. He wasn¡¯t used to someone, even a talking pouch, giving him anything other than shit. But it felt¡­ good. Sam rubbed the back of his neck, trying to process it all. ¡°And now I¡¯m stuck with you.¡± ¡°Hey,¡± Glitch snapped. ¡°I didn¡¯t ask to be your spouch.¡± Sam frowned. ¡°Spouch?¡± Glitch sighed. ¡°It¡¯s a thing, alright? Sentient pouch¡ªspouch. It¡¯s¡­ ugh, forget it.¡± Sam snorted. ¡°A spouch. Sure. That¡¯s what we¡¯re calling you now.¡± Before Glitch could respond with another sarcastic retort, he let out a low groan, his zipper shuddering as if he was about to vomit again. ¡°Oh, shit¡­¡± ¡°What now?¡± Sam asked, leaning forward. Glitch¡¯s entire pouch body heaved once more, and with an almost comically exaggerated retch, something heavy and dark fell to the floor with a loud thud. Sam blinked, staring at the object lying in front of him. It was a cloak¡ªa sleek, inky black fabric that shimmered faintly with an otherworldly glow. His HUD immediately popped up, displaying its stats. Legendary Cloak: Shadowveil Dexterity: +25% Luck: +25% Special Ability 1: Shadow Shift ¨C Allows the wearer to teleport up to 20 feet in any direction, even through solid objects. Special Ability 2: Blink ¨C Instantly disappears into stealth mode, even in the middle of combat. The stealth is fully undetectable for 30 seconds, allowing for either a strategic retreat or a deadly sneak attack. Glitch Immunity ¨C This cloak is immune to all glitches and cannot be corrupted. Sam¡¯s mouth hung open in disbelief. ¡°Holy shit¡­¡± he breathed, reaching down to pick up the cloak with trembling fingers. This wasn¡¯t just any piece of gear. This was legendary. A rush of excitement coursed through him, momentarily shoving aside the existential dread he¡¯d been drowning in for the past hour. He quickly draped the cloak over his shoulders, feeling the immediate surge of agility and luck flow through him. The fabric felt impossibly light, yet it clung to him like a second skin. He could barely contain his glee as he toggled the Shadow Shift ability in his HUD, watching as his form blinked in and out of existence like a shadow slipping between cracks in reality. ¡°Glitch, this is¡­¡± Sam¡¯s voice trailed off. He wasn¡¯t sure how to finish that sentence. Incredible? Unbelievable? The first real piece of hope he¡¯d felt in ages? ¡°Yeah, yeah,¡± Glitch grumbled. ¡°Don¡¯t get too attached. It¡¯s not going to fix your fetish problems, buddy.¡± Sam ignored the jab, a smile creeping onto his face as he felt the newfound power hum beneath his skin. This¡ªthis was something. Something that actually mattered. For the first time since arriving in this world, Sam felt like he had an edge, a real weapon in the fucked-up chaos he was trapped in. And then, just as the euphoria was beginning to build, Glitch let out another retching belch. ¡°More? . . .¡± Sam hoped, then watched in horror as something else squelched out of Glitch¡¯s zipper mouth and plopped onto the floor. A small, grotesque statue, bent over, its hairy taint proudly on display. Sam¡¯s entire body went rigid as he stared down at the offensive statue, blinking in disbelief. His face contorted with sheer horror and disgust. ¡°...The FUUUUCK!?¡± He picked up the grotesque little figure, holding it between his thumb and forefinger like it was coated in some kind of biohazardous goo. His voice rose in indignation as he turned it over in his hand. ¡°Why?! Glitch, seriously?! Why would you have this¡ªwhy would you puke it out?!¡± Glitch was already losing it, his laughter weak at first, but quickly escalating. His whole pouch body shuddered as he wheezed, barely able to contain his glee. ¡°Oh, come on, Sam. Don¡¯t act all surprised now. You¡¯re the one who¡¯s always glorifying that useless patch of skin between the balls and the starfish!¡± Sam¡¯s expression twisted into even deeper revulsion as he held the statue as far from his body as physically possible. ¡°You¡¯re fucking sick.¡± Glitch was practically in tears, his voice coming out in choked gasps. ¡°I-I¡¯m just giving you your spirit statue, man! It¡¯s practically your patron saint! Look at the craftsmanship!¡± He wheezed, shaking with uncontrollable laughter. ¡°I mean, look at the detail on that hairy taint¡ªit¡¯s majestic!¡± Sam was already marching toward the trash, ready to yeet the offensive object into the abyss, when suddenly, the statue disappeared from his hand and a strange tingle ran up his arm. He froze, dread pooling in his stomach. ¡°Oh, no. No, no, no, no¡ª¡± He slowly looked down at his hand. There, emblazoned on his skin, was a tattoo¡ªan exact replica of the statue, complete with its disgustingly detailed hairy taint. And, to make matters worse, above it, in bold lettering, were the words ¡°I LOVE HAIRY TAINTS¡± in all caps. Because, of course. Glitch¡¯s reaction was instantaneous. He exploded into another fit of wheezing, uncontrollable laughter. His zipper mouth flapped wildly as his entire pouch form shook like a seizure victim on a bouncy castle. He was gone, absolutely broken by the hilarity of the situation. ¡°Oh my¡­ OH MY GOD!!!! YOU¡¯RE BRANDED! HAHAHA! YOU¡¯RE FUCKING BRANDED NOW¡­ AS A TAINT LOVER!¡± Sam¡¯s face flushed with a mixture of horror, embarrassment, and pure rage. ¡°Are you kidding me?! This is what I get for putting up with your glitchy bullshit?! I¡¯ve got a goddamn taint tattoo!¡± Glitch was wheezing so hard, he was practically incoherent now, his voice gasping between breaths. ¡°I¡ªOH¡ªOH MAN¡ªI CAN¡¯T BREATHE!¡± His laughter became high-pitched, almost like he was choking on his own glee. ¡°YOU¡¯RE¡ªYOU¡¯RE BRANDED FOR LIFE, TAINT LOVER! IT¡¯S OFFICIAL NOW!¡± Sam was fuming. He tried to scrub at the tattoo, desperately hoping it was some kind of cruel prank that would rub off. But no. It was permanent. Of course, it was permanent. ¡°I fucking hate you, Glitch,¡± Sam growled, his eyes blazing with fury. ¡°I¡¯ve put up with your shit¡ªliterally¡ªand this is how you repay me?!¡± Glitch was still howling. ¡°OH, THIS IS TOO GOOD! HAHAHA! I DIDN¡¯T EVEN KNOW I COULD DO THAT!¡± Sam, teeth clenched, activated his HUD, trying to pull up the stats on the tattoo. ¡°Alright, maybe this stupid thing at least comes with some useful stats...¡± But, because the world just loved to screw with him, the second Sam¡¯s HUD blinked into existence, the tattoo¡¯s stats glitched out. The screen flickered wildly, flashing random garbled symbols that looked like a cat had walked across a keyboard mid-seizure. Instead of stat numbers, he got: "I LOVE HAIRY TAINTS" ??? Stats: ERROR. ER- ERROR: INVALID VALUE. TAINT ENTHUSIAST RECOGNIZED. Sam stared at the screen, deadpan. ¡°You¡¯ve got to be fucking kidding me.¡± Every time he tried to tap into the stats, they flickered, changing from ¡°ERROR¡± to random bursts of garbled code, occasionally flashing ¡°HAIRY TAINT AFFINITY +69¡±. One time it even glitched out into ¡°CHARMING ASSHOLE: +3 Taint Accuracy¡± before dissolving back into nonsense. Glitch was absolutely dying. His zipper mouth flapped open and shut like a fish out of water, his laughter echoing through the room like a manic hyena. ¡°OH MY GOD¡ªHAHA¡ª¡®TAINT ENTHUSIAST¡¯?! THIS IS THE BEST THING I¡¯VE EVER SEEN!¡± Sam jabbed at the HUD again, growling as he tried to pull up the stats for the third time. ¡°HAIRY TAINT ENHANCEMENT +5% PERK¡± flashed for a split second before glitching out once more. ¡°Is this a fucking joke?!¡± Sam shouted, throwing his hands up. ¡°What the hell even is a Taint Enhancement?!¡± Glitch was barely able to speak now, his voice hoarse from all the wheezing laughter. ¡°Oh ¡­ OH MAN this is going to be so much fun! Every time you look at your hand¡ªEVERY TIME¡ªyou¡¯re gonna see that beautiful, majestic taint!¡± Sam glared down at the tattoo, feeling the fury bubbling up inside him. ¡°I¡¯m going to fucking bury you.¡± Glitch, completely unfazed by the threat, continued cackling like a maniac. ¡°OH PLEASE! LIKE YOU COULD LIVE WITHOUT ME NOW! WE¡¯RE IN THIS TOGETHER!¡± Sam swiped at the glitchy HUD one more time, but it was no use. Every time he tried to get a proper read on the tattoo¡¯s stats, it just flickered and spit out some nonsensical error message. One time it read ¡°HAIRY TAINT PASSIVE ABILITY: DISTRACT ENEMIES WITH DINGLEBERRIES¡± before disappearing again. Sam could only stare at the screen, a mixture of disbelief and exasperation washing over him. ¡°This is my life now. This is what it¡¯s come to.¡± Glitch, still wheezing from laughter, managed to cough out one last jab. ¡°Oh man... oh man, I¡¯m never letting this go. Taint Lover for life!¡± Sam groaned, rubbing his temples in frustration. He might¡¯ve gained a powerful cloak and the ability to blink across space with ease, but none of it mattered. Not when he was now the proud owner of a goddamn hairy taint tattoo. ¡°I¡¯m in hell,¡± Sam muttered, glaring at the pouch still heaving with laughter. ¡°Absolute hell.¡± Glitch¡¯s voice, hoarse and breathless, chimed in between his final fits of giggles. ¡°Yeah... but at least it¡¯s a fun hell, huh?¡± Chapter 8: The Support Group for Glitchy Classes: We鈥檙e All Doomed Here Sam Walker sat in the dimly lit Misfits base, glaring at the grotesque tattoo now forever branded on his hand. The phrase "I LOVE HAIRY TAINTS" stared back at him, bold and unapologetic, alongside an offensive depiction of a hairy taint that looked like it had been sketched by someone with a grudge against human decency. Sam still couldn¡¯t wrap his mind around how the hell he¡¯d ended up here¡ªstuck in this glitchy hellhole, with an ass-backward class, and now, this. A fucking taint tattoo. On his hand. Forever. It wasn¡¯t just any tattoo either. The detail on this thing was absurd. The hairs practically curled, shaded with excruciating precision, making the whole scene look less like a bad joke and more like a personal attack. If anyone saw this¡ªwhen people saw this¡ªhe would never live it down. Every fiber of his being wanted to peel the skin off his hand and chuck it into the nearest glitch. "What the actual fuck," Sam muttered, rubbing his temples with his free hand, as though that could somehow erase the mess of his life. His fingers tangled in his hair, tugging at it in frustration. He wished, deeply, that he could punch his own face into another dimension. Somewhere far away, where this entire shitstorm wasn¡¯t happening, where reality wasn¡¯t breaking around him, and he wasn¡¯t sitting there with a tattoo that screamed, ¡°Hey, look at this guy, he¡¯s a loser.¡± In this world, sarcasm had been his superpower. Back in the real world, he was untouchable¡ªhis sharp wit and quick comebacks were enough to make most people back down or, at the very least, shut up. But here? Here, it didn¡¯t matter. He might as well have been hurling toothpicks at a dragon. His snark meant nothing against the random-ass chaos and glitches that plagued every corner of this world. Nothing made sense. Nothing was fair. And now, he was stuck with a glitchy-ass Ass-Ass-In class, an absurd tattoo, and a sentient pouch that spent most of its time vomiting up garbage and making everything worse. Wasn¡¯t it supposed to be a magic pouch? A helpful companion? Instead, it was like carrying around a malfunctioning waste disposal unit with an attitude. Sam¡¯s mood was spiraling fast, and he could feel it. The walls of the Misfits base¡ªstone bricks that occasionally flickered out of sync with the rest of reality¡ªfelt like they were closing in on him. The dim, glitchy torchlight that crackled against the walls only added to the suffocating sense of impending doom. This place wasn¡¯t just broken; it was a cage. He let out a long sigh, staring down at his tattoo again. ¡°Hairy fucking taints... this is my life now.¡± His thoughts were interrupted by the door to the base suddenly flying open with a thunderous crash, the wooden planks shuddering in their frames as if reality itself was debating whether or not to keep them solid. The flickering torches on the walls nearly winked out from the force. Sam barely had time to register the motion before a massive figure stomped through the door, filling the entire doorway like some oversized gym rat who¡¯d taken a wrong turn and ended up in medieval cosplay hell. Sam looked up, half-dazed, as this new arrival strutted in with all the grace of a charging bull. He was at least seven feet tall, with biceps that looked like they could crush a watermelon, wearing neon gym shorts and a tank top that screamed ¡°Rage Hard, Lift Harder¡± in obnoxious, glowing letters. The half-ogre¡ªBrogre, his mind supplied¡ªwas grinning from ear to ear like a frat boy who¡¯d just found an unsupervised keg. "Oh, fuck me," Sam groaned. Of course, this was happening. "Yo, bro!" the Brogre bellowed, his voice booming loud enough to rattle the stone walls. He swaggered in like he owned the place, his movements exaggerated and full of frat boy energy. "You look like you''ve been hit with some gnarly shit, dude. What the fuck¡¯s up with you?" Sam blinked, half-expecting this mountain of dumb to glitch out of existence at any moment. He took a deep breath, contemplating if today was the day he should start drinking before noon. "I could ask the same question," Sam said dryly, "but I''m too tired for the answer." The Brogre¡ªwho was now uncomfortably close¡ªpuffed out his chest, which was already massive, and beamed like a kid who just aced his first keg stand. "Name''s Eli," he declared, his voice full of pride. "I''m a Brogre¡ªhalf-bro, half-ogre, all fucking epic. And you, my dude," he added, pointing at Sam''s chest like he was about to hand him a free gym membership, "you look like you need a rage break." Sam rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Please," he muttered, not even looking up, "tell me you''re here to kill me and end this shit." Eli laughed¡ªa booming, echoing sound that made the glitchy torchlight flicker dangerously, like the very fabric of the room couldn¡¯t handle this much dumb in one place. "Nah, bro! I''m not here to kill you¡ªthough, that''d be sick." He slapped Sam on the back, and the impact sent Sam stumbling forward, nearly face-planting into the stone floor. "I''m here to invite you, man. To the Support Group for Glitchy Classes!" Sam turned, slowly, glaring up at Eli like he was considering which part of him to punch first. "A support group?" Sam asked, his voice thick with disbelief. "You want me to join a support group?" ¡°Hell yeah!¡± Eli grinned like this was the best news Sam had ever heard. ¡°It¡¯s a good time, man! We all get together, bitch about how fucked up our classes are, and laugh our asses off. You¡¯re gonna love it!¡± Sam let out a long, exhausted sigh, rolling his eyes so hard he thought they might get stuck. "Right. Because sitting in a circle, crying about how my life is glitched into oblivion, is exactly how I want to spend my day." Eli wasn¡¯t fazed in the slightest. "Bro, you''re coming," he said with a chuckle, as though Sam''s participation was inevitable. He grabbed Sam¡¯s arm in a meaty, iron grip and yanked him to his feet with such ease that it was almost insulting. Sam groaned, defeated. "I doubt that." But, of course, Eli didn¡¯t hear him. He was too busy dragging Sam out the door, already hyping up the meeting like it was the world¡¯s greatest kegger. And Sam, helpless in the face of Brogre energy, had no choice but to follow. ------- Eli led Sam into the back room, and the smell hit him like a punch to the gut. Stale beer, sweat, and something even worse lingered in the air¡ªlike someone had left a pile of moldy gym socks to rot in the corner. The walls flickered between stone and glitching streaks of neon green code that blinked in and out, as if reality was having a nervous breakdown. Sam wrinkled his nose and shot a glance at Pixel, his glitchy companion, who was nervously buzzing beside him, flickering between a toaster, a rubber duck, and a cat. The mismatched chairs in the room looked like they had been pulled from various bargain bins across the multiverse¡ªsome were broken, others flickered out of existence every few seconds. One unlucky NPC sat in a glitching chair that vanished just as he was about to sit down, sending him crashing to the floor over and over again, muttering ¡°Son of a bitch,¡± each time he fell. ¡°Welcome to the crew, bro!¡± Eli said, slapping Sam on the back so hard he nearly went flying. Sam stumbled forward, barely managing to catch himself on a chair that flickered between solid and translucent. This was the support group Eli had dragged him into? It felt more like he was walking into a fever dream cooked up by a drunk game designer. ¡°What the fuck is this place?¡± Sam muttered under his breath, scanning the room. Glitch, the sentient pouch at Sam¡¯s hip, snickered. ¡°Oh, you¡¯re gonna love this. Welcome to the worst support group you¡¯ll ever attend. It¡¯s like they scraped the bottom of the glitch barrel and put all the broken code in one room.¡± Sam sighed, already feeling the headache building. ¡°Shut up, Glitch.¡± ¡°No way,¡± Glitch continued, cackling. ¡°This is too good. Look at these idiots. You¡¯re about to get introduced to a walking nightmare¡ªone glitch at a time.¡± Sam groaned inwardly as Eli stepped forward, grinning like a proud tour guide. ¡°Alright, bro! Let me introduce you to the gang!¡± The first person Eli pointed to was a tall woman sitting in a flickering chair. She had a scowl so deep it looked like it had been carved into her face, and her robe¡ªonce fancy¡ªnow looked like it had been dragged through a glitch-filled wasteland. Her arms were crossed, and she glared at Sam like he was the source of all her life¡¯s problems. ¡°This is Karen,¡± Eli said, oblivious to the tension radiating from her. ¡°She¡¯s a Complainomancer. Used to be a Necromancer, but her class glitched. Now, instead of raising the dead, she just raises hell.¡± Karen threw her hands up in exasperation. ¡°Yeah, that¡¯s right. I could be raising fucking zombies, but no. Instead, I¡¯m arguing with a broken-ass system that thinks it¡¯s funny to glitch me every time I cast a spell.¡± She turned her glare toward Sam. ¡°Last week, I tried casting Nitpick Needles on some goblins, and the spell glitches¡ªof course it glitches¡ªand stabs my own tank. And the needle? Oh, it says, ¡®Nice dodge,¡¯ while stabbing him. Can you believe that shit?¡± Sam blinked, trying to find the right words, but she didn¡¯t give him a chance. ¡°I¡¯m stuck dealing with refund policies from hell, arguing with a goddamn game system that thinks cooldowns are a fucking joke. I didn¡¯t sign up to be the Karen of the underworld, but here I am, stuck in this bullshit.¡± Pixel, buzzing nervously beside Sam, glitched into a blender, then a coffee mug, then a pink flamingo. Sam felt a bead of sweat trickle down his neck. This was too much. ¡°Oh, this is gonna be good,¡± Glitch whispered gleefully. ¡°She¡¯s gonna eat you alive.¡± Before Sam could even process Karen¡¯s tirade, an awful stench hit him. He gagged and looked around for the source, and his eyes landed on a scruffy figure slouched in the corner, scratching his armpit with an absent-minded smirk. His clothes were in tatters, and his entire demeanor screamed unwashed disaster. Eli pointed to him next. ¡°And that¡¯s S. He¡¯s a Smelf¡ªSmelly Elf¡ªand a Swearwolf. Yeah, he smells, and yeah, he swears. A lot.¡± S grinned, revealing teeth that had seen better days. ¡°Sup, dipshit. Don¡¯t bother mentioning the smell. It¡¯s part of the package.¡± He cracked his knuckles and leaned back. ¡°I can transform anytime I want. No need for the moon. But when one glitches in? Oh, shit gets real.¡± Before Sam could ask what he meant, S let out a Howl of Expletives. The air trembled from the sheer force of the verbal onslaught, as he hurled every curse imaginable at the walls. The walls flickered in response, struggling to hold themselves together. ¡°For fuck''s sake!¡± Karen snapped, throwing her hands over her ears. ¡°Do you have to do that every goddamn time?! You¡¯re making everything worse!¡± S grinned wider. ¡°Oh, I¡¯m sorry. Didn¡¯t realize this was a quiet session. What, should I throw in some Stank Cloud too? Spice things up?¡± Karen glared daggers at him. ¡°If you let out that Stank Cloud, I swear to god, I¡¯ll bury you.¡± The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. Without missing a beat, S let out a long, deliberate belch that reverberated through the room, followed by a wave of stench so foul Sam nearly gagged. Pixel transformed again, this time into a floating disco ball, then a cactus, before settling back into a cat. Sam pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to keep it together. Next up was a figure with perfectly tailored clothes, sitting across from S. His nose was wrinkled in disgust, and he snapped shut the compact mirror he had been inspecting. His whole posture screamed self-importance. ¡°And that¡¯s Lance,¡± Eli said, his grin widening. ¡°He¡¯s a Snobbit¡ªthat¡¯s a Snobbish Hobbit¡ªand a Critic-Tactician. He¡¯s, uh, real good at telling you what you did wrong.¡± Lance sniffed, adjusting his coat before addressing Sam with a sneer. ¡°I prefer the term Master of Strategic Insight, thank you very much. And you? I suppose you¡¯re another one of these¡­ low-class adventurers, stumbling through life?¡± Sam groaned. ¡°I¡¯m an Ass-Ass-In.¡± Lance raised an eyebrow, his lips curling in disgust. ¡°Charming. Another fool with no grace, no sense of style, and absolutely no strategy. I imagine your specialty is falling on your face?¡± Karen rolled her eyes. ¡°Oh, give it a rest, Lance. Your Pompous Analysis hasn¡¯t been useful in months.¡± Before Sam could respond to Lance¡¯s critique, a robotic voice cut through the chaos. "Do¡­ you¡­ quest?" Loop, the glitched NPC, wandered into the room, his eyes blank, repeating his eternal question. "Do¡­ you¡­ quest?" Sam groaned, rubbing his temples. ¡°Not now, Loop.¡± "Do¡­ you¡­ quest?" ¡°For fuck¡¯s sake¡­¡± Sam muttered as Loop drifted off, asking the same question to anyone who would listen. Glitch cackled from Sam¡¯s hip, his zipper mouth curling into a wide grin. ¡°Oh man, this is gold. You¡¯re in it now. Trapped in a room full of dysfunctional weirdos. And guess what? You¡¯re one of them, buddy.¡± Despite himself, Sam felt a small grin tug at the corner of his mouth. As chaotic and utterly broken as this place was, he couldn¡¯t help but feel a strange sense of camaraderie. These people were just as messed up as he was, maybe worse. And that¡­ made things a little easier to handle. Pixel, now a tiny, floating blimp, circled his head before transforming back into a cat. Sam chuckled softly. Eli clapped him on the back again, beaming. ¡°Told you, bro! You¡¯re gonna fit right in. We¡¯re all fucked, but hey, at least we¡¯re fucked together.¡± Sam shook his head, but the smile remained. ¡°Yeah,¡± he said, finally relaxing. ¡°I guess I am.¡± -------------- As the group started talking, Sam realized something important: he wasn¡¯t the most fucked person in the room. Not by a long shot. But that didn¡¯t mean things weren¡¯t about to go sideways¡ªhard. Sam perched awkwardly on the edge of his glitchy chair, which flickered between solid wood and pixelated code. The legs shifted every few seconds, threatening to disappear entirely, leaving him awkwardly hovering just inches above the ground. The chair¡¯s instability mirrored his own growing sense of unease. The air in the room was thick¡ªnot just with the lingering stench of S¡¯s Stank Cloud, but with the type of tension that came from trying to hold together a support group made of broken misfits. The torches flickered in and out, casting shadows that seemed to warp and shift like they too were unsure whether they were real or just another glitch in the system. Then came the sound¡ªa low, guttural growl that made Sam glance up just in time to see Ted¡ªthe massive, half-glitching orc with wild, spiked hair and a massive guitar strapped across his back¡ªgrin maniacally. His fingers twitched over the strings of his guitar, and for a moment, it was like watching a rock god ready to unleash hell. Sam had half a second to register the oh shit expression on Ted¡¯s face before he strummed a bone-rattling, ear-shattering chord. Power Chord Slam. The shockwave exploded through the room, sending chairs¡ªand everyone in them¡ªflying like ragdolls in a windstorm. The walls shimmered with the impact, distorting into jagged, pixelated waves that rippled outward, bending reality as if it were made of glitching water. Sam hit the floor hard, the breath knocked out of him as he sprawled flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling, which wasn¡¯t sure if it wanted to be stone or a mass of flickering code. It blinked in and out of existence as Sam blinked his own eyes back into focus. The world felt like it was crumbling around him. To his right, Lance yelped as his own chair vanished beneath him, sending him sprawling into a heap of tailored clothes and smug pretension. He landed face-first on the floor with a loud grunt. Karen, flailing in the aftermath of the shockwave, shrieked as she tumbled backward, her robe catching on one of the glitching chairs as she hit the floor in an unceremonious heap. Dust and bits of glitching code puffed into the air around her, like she¡¯d kicked up digital confetti. ¡°For fuck¡¯s sake, Ted!¡± Karen bellowed as she scrambled to her feet, brushing off her robes as if her dignity could be restored by a few angry swipes. ¡°Can¡¯t you control your damn glitch for five seconds?!¡± Ted, still clutching his guitar like a weapon of mass destruction, grinned sheepishly. His wild eyes darted around the room, taking in the destruction with a mix of guilt and amusement. ¡°Fucking technical difficulties!¡± he shouted, lifting the guitar again like he was about to strum another chord. Before Ted could even attempt to defend himself, Karen¡¯s Petition Storm triggered¡ªwhether by her own rage or the glitchy nature of the room, Sam couldn¡¯t tell. But it happened. ¡°I WANT A GODDAMN REFUND!¡± Karen shrieked, her voice echoing through the room like a wrathful goddess demanding justice. ¡°This entire world is a glitch-ridden, broken piece of shit, and I DEMAND COMPENSATION!¡± Invisible complaint forms began raining down from nowhere¡ªglitchy streams of text and symbols that looked like corrupted data. Despite their intangibility, the forms hurt. Sam flinched as one hit him, buzzing with negative energy, and he felt a wave of frustration and helplessness wash over him, like he was being wrapped in a bureaucratic net of red tape. His limbs felt heavier, as if weighed down by Karen¡¯s absurd demands. His thoughts grew foggy and sluggish, and when he glanced around the room, he saw the others were just as affected¡ªKaren¡¯s glitchy complaints had hit everyone. Ted¡¯s usual carefree grin slipped as he looked down at his guitar, which had started glitching in and out, refusing to stay solid. Lance, still sprawled on the floor, groaned loudly as he tried to get up, only to wobble and collapse back onto his ass. Lance, ever the snob, managed to sit up with as much dignity as he could muster and adjusted his jacket. ¡°This entire support group is a disaster. I expected chaos, but this is just¡­ tasteless.¡± Sam couldn¡¯t help but snort. ¡°Yeah, Lance, because taste is the biggest issue here.¡± S, still invisible and lurking somewhere near the ceiling, let out a low, disembodied chuckle. ¡°Told you. Welcome to the shitshow.¡± Sam sat up, rubbing the back of his head as he tried to shake off the aftereffects of Ted¡¯s Power Chord Slam and Karen¡¯s glitch-fueled complaint storm. Pixel, who had been knocked off Sam¡¯s shoulder during the chaos, flickered in the air beside him, morphing rapidly between a frying pan, a tiny airplane, and a slightly concerned-looking octopus before finally settling back into its usual cat form, curling protectively around Sam¡¯s leg. Glitch, always eager to comment, burst into hysterical laughter. ¡°Oh man, this is fucking beautiful! You¡¯re all a bunch of glitched-out morons! Seriously? Power chords and refund rants? This is gold!¡± Sam groaned, feeling the weight of the absurdity pressing down on him. ¡°Not now, Glitch.¡± ¡°Not now?¡± Glitch cackled even louder. ¡°Oh no, you don¡¯t get to shut me up during this. This is peak disaster! Karen¡¯s about to file a lawsuit against reality, Ted¡¯s turning the room into a mosh pit, and Lance is sitting in a pile of his own failure. This is my Super Bowl, buddy!¡± Despite himself, Sam felt a small grin tug at the corner of his mouth. As much as this was a complete disaster¡ªand it was¡ªthere was something undeniably hilarious about the way it all unraveled. Maybe it was the sheer ridiculousness of it all, or maybe he was just losing his mind, but Sam couldn¡¯t stop the bubble of laughter rising in his chest. He glanced over at Lance, who had finally managed to stand, though his legs wobbled beneath him like he was trying to stay upright on a sinking ship. ¡°Really, Lance? Tasteful chaos? Is that even a thing?¡± Lance, still wobbly, shot Sam a disdainful look, his nose wrinkling in that haughty way that only someone as pretentious as Lance could pull off. ¡°When I cause chaos, it¡¯s elegant.¡± Sam snorted, shaking his head. ¡°Right. Elegant chaos. Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night.¡± Karen, still glaring at Ted, waved her arms in frustration. ¡°I¡¯m done with this bullshit! I didn¡¯t sign up for a mosh pit! I want order and fucking results!¡± Ted shrugged, tuning his guitar like the chaos was no big deal. ¡°Order? In this place?¡± He grinned, his tusks gleaming. ¡°I don¡¯t think that¡¯s in the cards, babe.¡± The walls flickered again, shimmering as they debated whether to stay stone or dissolve into pure, unfiltered glitch. Sam smirked at the absurdity of it all. For the first time since he¡¯d arrived in this fucked-up reality, he felt a strange sense of belonging. These people were all glitched-out disasters¡ªjust like him. He let out a quiet chuckle. ¡°Yeah, this is definitely the weirdest support group ever.¡± _______ By the time the chaos finally died down, Sam was left bruised, exhausted, and somehow, against all logic, strangely... amused. Sure, his life was still an absolute shitstorm, and yeah, he was surrounded by the kind of misfits who made his glitchy Ass-Ass-In class look like a real job, but for the first time in a while, he didn¡¯t feel so alone. Maybe that was the real magic here¡ªnot the powers or the ridiculous quests, but the sheer, raw camaraderie of mutual suffering. Sam rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the bruise already forming from where his chair had gone flying¡ªagain¡ªthanks to Ted¡¯s Power Chord Slam. He glanced around the room at the others as they slowly picked themselves up off the floor. Karen was still grumbling about refunds, Lance was inspecting his coat like it had personally offended him, and S... well, S was probably swearing in some invisible corner, casting his Stank Cloud just to be a dick. "Support group, my ass," Sam muttered under his breath. ¡°This place offers less support than a broken chair.¡± Glitch chimed in from his hip, laughing wickedly. ¡°Oh, you were expecting support? In a support group? That¡¯s rich! The only thing this place supports is total, fucking, glitch-fueled chaos. And guess what, assface¡ªyou¡¯re stuck in it.¡± Sam let out a dry chuckle. ¡°Yeah, no shit.¡± Eli, ever the optimistic Brogre, grinned ear to ear as he clapped Sam on the back again, sending him stumbling forward. ¡°Told you, bro! We¡¯re all fucked, but at least we¡¯re fucked together!¡± His enthusiasm was almost infectious, and for a split second, Sam couldn¡¯t help but wonder if Eli¡¯s entire existence was just one big glitch of positivity. ¡°Yeah, I guess I fit right in,¡± Sam said, feeling the weight on his shoulders lighten just a bit. It was a bitter, sarcastic laugh that followed, but it was still something. And right now? That was enough. Just as Sam was settling into this strange acceptance of his new normal, the door to the Misfits base creaked open. A figure stumbled inside, panting and out of breath, looking like they¡¯d just run a marathon through a glitchy dungeon. Trinket, the group¡¯s diminutive goblin-like messenger and eternal bearer of bad news, clutched at his chest, his eyes wide and frantic. ¡°Guys!¡± Trinket wheezed, waving his tiny arms as if that would make him more noticeable. ¡°We¡¯ve got a problem!¡± ¡°Oh great, more problems,¡± Karen grumbled, throwing her hands up in the air. ¡°Can I get a refund on this one too?¡± Lance scoffed, fixing his collar with a disdainful sniff. ¡°If it¡¯s anything like the last so-called ¡®problem,¡¯ I¡¯m sure it¡¯s just another minor inconvenience blown out of proportion. Honestly, these interruptions are getting tiresome.¡± Trinket¡¯s eyes bulged as he flailed his arms more desperately. ¡°No, seriously! There¡¯s a small invasion happening outside! Monsters everywhere! Like, right now!¡± At that moment, as if the universe couldn¡¯t resist turning everything into a running joke, Loop strolled into the room, his eyes vacant and glitching slightly as usual. His voice, robotic and emotionless, echoed through the now-quiet room: "Do... you... quest?" Sam groaned, rubbing his temples. "Not now, Loop. For the love of fuck, not now." But Loop just stood there, unmoving, repeating his line like a broken NPC. "Do... you... quest?" Before anyone could respond¡ªor smack Loop in the face¡ªa sudden ping rang out, followed by a familiar, glitchy interface popping up in front of Sam¡¯s eyes. [Quest Notification: Small Invasion Outside Drunken Misfit] Objective: Defeat the monsters invading the area. Reward: 500 XP, a bag of glitched loot, and possibly your dignity (though no promises). Accept Quest? [Yes/No] Sam blinked at the floating, jittering quest box, the text flickering and half-rendering as though reality itself wasn¡¯t entirely sure what it wanted to say. ¡°Seriously?¡± Sam said aloud, staring at the pop-up. ¡°A small invasion?¡± Glitch chuckled from his pouch. ¡°Yeah, because small invasions are totally no big deal. Just, you know, a casual monster swarm on a Tuesday.¡± Eli, still oblivious to the concept of danger, pumped his fists in the air. ¡°Hell yeah! Time to smash some monsters, bro! Let¡¯s rage!¡± Trinket, still catching his breath, nodded furiously. ¡°Yeah, smash them, or they¡¯re gonna smash us!¡± Sam sighed, looking around the room at the band of misfits. He knew what was coming next, and part of him¡ªthe part that was still clinging to a semblance of sanity¡ªwondered if he should just hit No and call it a day. But then again, what the hell else was he going to do? Sit around with a group of broken characters and complain about glitches all day? ¡°Alright,¡± Sam muttered, swiping the Yes button on the quest window. ¡°Let¡¯s go save the fucking day. Again.¡± The quest window blinked away, replaced by a new pop-up: [New Objective: Survive.] Sam grinned darkly. Story of my fucking life. Chapter 9: YES! I Quest! Chapter 9: Looped The door of the Drunken Misfit burst open, slamming into the wall with a loud bang as Sam Walker stepped out, squinting into the flickering world beyond. The streets were empty, except for the thick air buzzing with static. Just beyond the tavern¡¯s threshold, the horizon was filled with grotesque figures that warped in and out of focus like a glitching video game screen. The Trorcs were coming. WTF, Sam thought, Trorcs? They were a nightmare¡ªtrolls and orcs fused into one horrific form, their bodies corrupted by glitches. Some had limbs missing, their stumps replaced by glitchy, jagged fragments of code. Others had heads twisted grotesquely to where their feet should be, dragging their distorted bodies forward in sickening bursts. Their roars echoed like garbled transmissions through busted speakers, rising and falling in pitch like a broken record stuck on repeat. ¡°Yep, this is gonna suck,¡± Sam muttered, gripping his Itchy Dagger tighter. ¡°Never thought I¡¯d miss regular orcs.¡± Eli the Brogre stomped up beside him, his massive bulk blocking part of Sam¡¯s view. ¡°Bro, this is gonna be epic! Look at those glitchy bastards. I¡¯m gonna smash so many heads and party hard!¡± Glitch, hanging from Sam¡¯s belt, snickered. ¡°Or maybe they¡¯ll smash yours. Brogre brain soup, anyone?¡± Sam rolled his eyes. ¡°Glad to see you¡¯re as helpful as ever, Glitch.¡± Behind them, Trinket shuffled nervously, clearly trying to keep her composure as she watched the horde approach. Her face was tense, lips pursed, as if she was struggling with something. But she stayed quiet, not offering any spells or abilities, which Sam found odd¡ªuntil now, no one had really questioned what her class even was. Trinket mostly healed people, but no one had ever seen her in full action. As the first Trorc stumbled closer, its mismatched arms swinging wildly, Sam readied himself. He activated Butt of Shadows, half expecting it to finally work the way it was supposed to. But no¡ªonly his legs flickered out of existence, leaving his torso completely visible. ¡°Fucking glitch.¡± The Trorc charged, a distorted roar vibrating through the air. Sam dodged to the side just in time, the creature¡¯s massive fist crashing down where he had stood, sending a shockwave through the ground. Suddenly, Pixel darted forward, flickering through several different forms in the blink of an eye. One second she was a two-headed dragon, then a floating toaster, and then a giant mechanical octopus. She finally settled into a glitchy cloud of floating pixels, hovering above the fray. S the Smelf screamed. ¡°What the fuck is happening?!¡± In his panic, he accidentally unleashed Stank Cloud, and thick green fog erupted around them, smelling of rot and festering garbage. Sam gagged as the smell hit him like a punch to the face. ¡°Goddammit, S!¡± Sam coughed, covering his nose. ¡°Why now?!¡± ¡°I panicked! Blame your fucking glitchy pet!¡± S shouted, waving his hands helplessly. Eli, on the other hand, was totally unfazed. He grinned, hefting his warhammer with one meaty hand. ¡°Bro, this is awesome! Trorcs and a stank cloud? Let¡¯s go!¡± The first Trorc swung at Sam again, its massive, glitching limbs distorting with each step. Sam ducked low, barely avoiding a blow that could have taken his head off. He activated Meh, Close Enough, slicing through the creature¡¯s torso with one of his daggers. The blade connected, glitchy blood spraying everywhere as the Trorc let out a garbled cry of pain. Before Sam could strike again, another Trorc lunged at him from the side. He rolled away, his daggers flashing as he sliced through the air toward its distorted face. The sound of metal cutting through flesh was satisfying, but the roar of the creature was even better. Behind him, Eli was in full Bro-zerk Mode, swinging his hammer with reckless abandon. He smashed through the first Trorc¡¯s head like it was a watermelon at a frat party, bits of corrupted code and blood spraying everywhere. ¡°Bro, did you see that?!¡± Eli shouted, his voice full of excitement. ¡°Less talking, more killing,¡± Sam called back, dodging another Trorc¡¯s wild swing. But the chaos didn¡¯t stop there. As the Misfits fought their way through the glitchy horrors, Trinket, who had been hanging back, finally stepped forward. Her hands glowed faintly as she prepared to cast a spell. Sam wasn¡¯t sure what to expect. Honestly, he had no idea what her class was¡ªand neither did anyone else. But what happened next shocked them all. Trinket raised her hand toward Sam, who had just taken a blow to the side from a massive Trorc fist. Her voice trembled as she started a healing incantation in a silky, sultry and very sexy tone, ¡°Let me¡­ caress your¡­ deep, throbbing wound.¡± Sam froze, staring at her in disbelief. ¡°What the hell did you just say?¡± Trinket¡¯s face went beet red, mortification written all over her features. ¡°I¡ªI didn¡¯t mean to¡ª¡± But the spell worked. Warm, glowing energy enveloped Sam¡¯s body, healing his wounds almost instantly. The discomfort of the innuendo was overshadowed by the relief of not being in pain. Before anyone could comment, she cast another spell, this time on Eli, giving him the ¡°Fuck me¡± eyes,. ¡°Let me wrap you up¡­ thick and tight.¡± Eli blinked, his eyes widening as the words sunk in. He glanced over at her with a grin. ¡°Yo, Trinket, that¡¯s hot. Why haven¡¯t you said that before?¡± Her face flushed an even deeper shade of red. ¡°Stop Eli!¡± But Eli wasn¡¯t fazed. In fact, he looked downright giddy. ¡°I dunno, babe, I kinda like it. You make healing sound sexy as hell.¡± Sam groaned. ¡°For the love of god, Eli, focus!¡± The fight continued, but now the awkwardness between Trinket¡¯s spells and Eli¡¯s enthusiasm was palpable. Trinket could barely cast without stumbling over her words or turning bright red. ¡°I¡ªI didn¡¯t mean it like that!¡± she kept repeating, but it did nothing to stop the flow of embarrassing innuendos. At one point, she tried to heal Sam again, her voice a sexy, soft purr.. ¡°Let me¡­ stroke you back to full health¡­¡± This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. Sam nearly tripped. ¡°Trinket, please!¡± Despite the awkwardness, the Misfits were still making progress. Sam ducked and weaved through the battlefield, slicing through Trorcs with deadly precision, his daggers a blur of motion. Eli, still riding the high of Trinket¡¯s sultry spells, smashed through enemy after enemy, his warhammer practically glowing with the glitchy blood of the Trorcs. Just as things seemed to be going in their favor, a massive Trorc¡ªtwice the size of the others¡ªburst through the glitchy horde, roaring like a corrupted engine. ¡°Shit,¡± Sam muttered, bracing himself. The giant Trorc swung its massive arm, distorting the air around it as if reality itself was struggling to keep up with its movements. Sam ducked just in time, rolling under the creature¡¯s legs and slashing at its knees. But the creature barely noticed, its glitchy skin absorbing the damage like a sponge. Eli charged, letting out a roar as he swung his warhammer at the beast¡¯s chest. The impact sent a shockwave through the air, but the creature barely staggered. ¡°Bro, what the fuck is this thing made of?!¡± Eli shouted, his eyes wide. ¡°Glitched-up bullshit, that¡¯s what,¡± Sam replied, dodging another swipe. In the chaos, Loop suddenly perked up, his eyes wide and frantic. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± ¡°Not now, Loop!¡± Sam shouted, slicing through another Trorc. But Loop didn¡¯t stop. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± he repeated, louder this time. The others groaned, clearly annoyed by Loop¡¯s persistent question. Glitch, hanging from Sam¡¯s side, burst into hysterical laughter, and with a sarcastic tone asked. ¡°Hey Loop, what about you? Do you quest?¡± That¡¯s when everything went wrong. Time almost stopped. Loop, who had been his usual muttering self, twitched violently. His entire body spasmed like a malfunctioning glitch in the game world they inhabited. Error messages began to flash all around him, floating in jagged red text, breaking the flow of reality itself. The symbols warped the air around him, flickering like shards of glass caught in a vortex. ¡°What the actual fuck¡­?¡± Sam muttered, daggers raised but frozen in place as he watched Loop¡¯s form begin to distort. His skin shifted like static on an old TV, his appearance flickering through a spectrum of colors and forms. His once-human shape twisted into an incoherent mass of pixels, reshaping and shifting at random. The ground beneath him cracked, the earth splitting as if Loop¡¯s very existence was unraveling the world itself. Reality warped, unable to handle the raw energy radiating from him. Symbols and numbers¡ªlike the fragmented code of a broken universe¡ªfloated around him in intricate, alien patterns. They pulsed and rearranged as though rewriting the very rules of existence. ¡°Is this... normal dude?¡± Eli asked, voice thick with confusion as his warhammer hovered mid-air, uncertain whether to smash or just watch. Trinket¡¯s eyes were wide with shock, her hand hovering near her lips, unsure if she should cast a spell or run. ¡°I... I don¡¯t think so¡­¡± Glitch, for once, seemed at a loss for words. "Well, shit," he finally muttered, clearly unnerved. ¡°What the hell is happening with Loop? Did he fucking eat a bug or something?¡± Loop let out a guttural scream that tore through the air, the sound vibrating at a frequency so intense it seemed to physically shred the space around him. The scream fractured reality the space around him, warping the battlefield into a distorted mess of colors and static. The Trorcs, even with their glitched, corrupted forms, paused. Their grotesque limbs twitched in confusion as if they, too, sensed the power surging from Loop. Their roars turned to garbled, broken static, like a corrupted transmission over a busted speaker. And then, without warning, Loop exploded into motion. He moved like a force of nature, charging into the horde of Trorcs with a speed and ferocity that defied the very concept of physics. Each step he took cracked the ground beneath him, static crackling in the air as reality itself struggled to keep pace with him. With a roar that sounded like both triumph and madness, Loop slammed his fist into the nearest Trorc. His fingers glowed with raw, destructive energy, and when they connected, the Trorc didn¡¯t just die¡ªit unraveled. The creature¡¯s entire being disintegrated into a flurry of pixels and fragmented code, its form shredded from existence as if it had never been there in the first place. ¡°Holy fucking shit, he just Thanos-snapped that thing!¡± Glitch shouted, the usual sarcastic tone now mixed with genuine awe. ¡°I mean, I¡¯ve seen some freaky shit, but Loop¡¯s over here fucking shit up like a woman on a bad Tinder date!!¡± Loop didn¡¯t stop. His movements were a blur, his hands glowing with the same energy that had just vaporized the Trorc. He tore through the horde with surgical precision, each strike sending shockwaves of distorted power through the battlefield. His blows weren¡¯t just hitting the Trorcs¡ªthey were undoing them, unraveling their very existence. ¡°Look at this psycho!¡± Glitch cackled, his voice somehow both impressed and terrified. ¡°He¡¯s not just glitching the fuck out¡ªhe¡¯s rewriting reality itself! Someone get this guy a goddamn manual before he breaks everything!¡± Loop¡¯s body moved with an inhuman speed, his distorted form flickering as he unleashed a whirlwind of chaos. He slammed his glowing hands into another Trorc, its body convulsing violently before shattering into a cascade of glitchy pixels. The sound was like a thousand TV screens smashing all at once¡ªa digital apocalypse of destruction. Trorcs rushed him from every direction, but it didn¡¯t matter. Loop was untouchable, moving with the fluidity of a god tearing through a playground of broken toys. His eyes glowed with madness, wide and unblinking, locked onto his enemies with terrifying focus. Every strike seemed to bend the world around him, sending ripples through the fabric of their glitchy existence. Eli, usually the one smashing heads, stood frozen, his hammer useless in his hands as he stared in open-mouthed disbelief. ¡°Bro¡­ he¡¯s like... fucking unstoppable.¡± Loop ripped through the Trorcs with brutal efficiency, each of his strikes decimating multiple enemies at once. A single swipe of his hand sent three Trorcs flying into the air, their bodies glitching and warping mid-flight before they exploded into showers of code. They burst like glitch-ridden fireworks, disintegrating into nothingness before they could even hit the ground. ¡°Okay, I¡¯ll admit it,¡± Glitch said, his voice tinged with something that almost sounded like respect. ¡°That¡¯s some god-tier shit right there. The dude¡¯s leveling these assholes faster than a speedrun on meth!¡± The Trorcs, massive and warped as they were, stood no chance. Loop¡¯s hands became a whirlwind of destruction, his strikes cutting through them like they were made of tissue paper. Each blow sent glitchy shockwaves rippling through the air, the battlefield flickering with every impact. The Misfits could only watch in stunned silence as Loop continued his rampage, his glowing fists tearing through the horde with reckless abandon. He moved so fast that even the static of the world struggled to keep up with him, his form a blur of color and code as he decimated the enemy ranks. With every punch, every strike, another Trorc exploded into pixels, their bodies disintegrating as if they had never existed. Loop¡¯s movements were so fast, so violent, that it was impossible to track him¡ªone moment he was here, the next he was across the battlefield, leaving a wake of destruction in his path. ¡°He¡¯s... he¡¯s fucking insane,¡± Trinket whispered, her voice trembling with a mix of awe and terror. ¡°Not insane, babe,¡± Eli said, looking hungrily at Trinket now, after her healing innuendos, voice tinged with admiration. ¡°He¡¯s on a goddamn mission.¡± Loop¡¯s body crackled with raw energy, his hands glowing brighter with each strike. The ground around him continued to split and crack, the air warping as the glitchy symbols and numbers twisted around him in chaotic patterns. And then, as quickly as it had begun, it ended. Loop stood alone in the center of the battlefield, surrounded by the shattered remnants of the Trorcs¡ªbroken fragments of code and disintegrated pixels. His chest heaved with each breath, his glowing hands slowly dimming as the energy drained from his body. He wobbled on his feet, his face pale and drenched in sweat. Slowly, he turned to the Misfits, his eyes glassy and distant. ¡°Yes... I... quest,¡± he whispered, the words barely escaping his lips before he collapsed to the ground. For a long moment, the battlefield was eerily silent, the Misfits too stunned to move. ¡°Okay,¡± Glitch finally said, his voice low. ¡°I take back every shitty thing I¡¯ve ever said about him.¡± Sam glanced down at his HUD, which had just pinged with a new notification. NEW QUEST UNLOCKED: THE LOOP OF MADNESS. Chapter 10: Trorcs, Trouble, and Total Chaos Sam stood at the edge of the clearing, glaring at the chaos in front of him, already knowing deep down that the day was about to turn into a complete shitshow. The distant line of trees rustled as if the forest itself was holding its breath before spitting out whatever new horror it had in store for them. Behind him, the Misfits¡ªthe party of fuck-ups and glitched-out rejects he somehow ended up with¡ªwere in their usual state of half-readiness. They were more like a frat party waiting to get going than a battle-ready team. ¡°You hear that?¡± Sam muttered, mostly to himself, gripping the hilt of his dagger. It flickered between being a sharp, deadly blade and some kind of rusty butter knife. Perfect, he thought, because why wouldn¡¯t it glitch out now? A deep, guttural roar echoed from the forest, shaking the ground beneath them. ¡°Bro, we¡¯re gonna fucking RAGE!¡± Eli, the seven-foot-tall Brogre, bellowed from behind him. Sam didn¡¯t need to turn around to know that Eli was bouncing on his toes like an over-enthusiastic football player about to tackle someone at a frat kegger. ¡°We¡¯re gonna smash these assholes into the dirt!¡± Eli slammed his fists together, activating his Bro-zerk Mode, which¡ªof course¡ªglitched immediately. Instead of becoming the unstoppable juggernaut he was supposed to, Eli started hyping up¡­ the enemies. ¡°Look at those fucking biceps, bro!¡± Eli shouted at the incoming wave of Trorcs. ¡°Those dudes are JACKED!¡± The first wave of Trorcs broke through the treeline like a glitchy tsunami of rage, tusks, and poorly-rendered muscles. Each one was about eight feet tall, with arms that seemed to phase in and out of existence. Some of them had multiple arms or legs, others flickered like a corrupt video game sprite, their bodies twisting between troll and orc in grotesque, buggy transitions. Weapons blinked in and out of reality, some too big, others too small, but all of them looked capable of smashing the Misfits into a fine red paste. Sam¡¯s grip tightened around his glitching dagger, his teeth clenched. ¡°This is going to suck so hard.¡± ___________ The Trorcs hit their position like a stampede of glitchy, pissed-off meat, charging with the fury of a horde who¡¯d just learned they were designed by drunk gods. Their guttural roars echoed across the field, so loud Sam could feel the ground trembling under his boots. He didn¡¯t even have time to yell orders before they were on him, swinging their massive, pixelated weapons like a glitch-ridden nightmare come to life. ¡°Fucking perfect,¡± Sam muttered, rolling his eyes as he ducked the first swing. The Trorc¡¯s weapon¡ªa jagged club that flickered between a tree trunk and what looked like a giant spoon¡ªswung wide, tearing through the air with all the grace of a drunk ox. Its entire body kept flickering and glitching, as if the fabric of reality couldn¡¯t decide if it was made of flesh or faulty code. Sam darted under the Trorc¡¯s arm, the stink of its sweaty, glitching body hitting him like a brick to the face. His Butt of Shadows ability was supposed to let him slip into the shadows and reappear behind his enemy for a backstab. But as usual, things didn¡¯t go as planned. His vision flickered, the shadows sputtering out just as he was about to activate the ability, leaving him wide open. ¡°Whoa!¡± he spat, ducking again, barely dodging the next swing of the Trorc¡¯s jagged weapon. ¡°Karen! Get your ass in gear! We need firepower, like, yesterday!¡± ¡°I¡¯m working on it, Walker!¡± Karen barked back. Her hands glowed as she prepared to unleash Nitpick Needles. ¡°Or do you want to come over here and bitch some more while I take care of this shit?¡± She thrust her hands forward, and glowing, needle-like projectiles erupted from her fingertips¡ªexcept instead of flying toward the Trorcs, they immediately veered off course and slammed straight into Eli¡¯s broad back. ¡°Bro, what the hell.?!¡± Eli grunted, stumbling forward from the impact. The needles clattered off his huge Brogre shoulders as if they were paper clips. ¡°Why are you always fucking me over, Karen?!¡± ¡°You can¡¯t even dodge, you pixelated pile of shit!¡± one of the needles screeched, as if it had a mind of its own, as it lodged into Eli¡¯s bicep, adding insult to injury. Literally. Karen¡¯s eye twitched. ¡°Maybe if your giant, dumbass body didn¡¯t take up half the battlefield, I wouldn¡¯t hit you all the time!¡± ¡°Karen!¡± Sam shouted as he twisted to avoid another wild swing from the Trorc in front of him. He slashed at its side, leaving a jagged trail of broken code in its flesh, but the thing barely flinched. ¡°Can you not kill our own team?¡± ¡°If this fucked-up world wasn¡¯t glitching so hard, maybe I wouldn¡¯t have to deal with you assholes!¡± Karen flipped him off mid-cast as she prepared another spell. ¡°If you think you can do better, go ahead!¡± Meanwhile, Lance, true to his Snobit self, was perched nearby, doing what he did best: complaining. His Pompous Analysis ability was supposed to highlight enemy weaknesses, making it easier for the Misfits to deal damage. But of course, the ability had other ideas. ¡°You call that a battle stance?¡± Lance scoffed, addressing one of the nearby Trorcs as if it were an underwhelming theater performance. He adjusted his tiny glasses, like some high-brow critic judging a play. ¡°Honestly, who taught you how to fight? A toddler? Your form is atrocious.¡± ¡°Lance!¡± Sam growled, his patience wearing thin as another Trorc charged at him. ¡°Focus on killing them, not critiquing their God Damned technique!¡± Lance sniffed disdainfully. ¡°I refuse to lower my standards for such poorly-rendered¡­ things.¡± ¡°Elitist prick,¡± Sam muttered, just as another Trorc lunged at him. Its tusks gleamed in the flickering light, and its eyes glowed with a pixelated rage that only a broken reality could create. He activated Butt of Shadows again, but instead of slipping into the shadows like a proper assassin, the glitch sent him straight into the Trorc¡¯s ass. Literally. One second, Sam was aiming for a slick backstab; the next, he was face-deep in the Trorc¡¯s massive, sweaty rear end. ¡°Oh, for fuck¡¯s sake!¡± Sam yelled, trying to pull himself out of the worst position imaginable. The Trorc, equally confused, let out a low, glitchy grunt and began flailing its arms. Its weapon swung aimlessly in the air, nearly clipping Karen in the process. Glitch practically exploded with laughter. ¡°That¡¯s a new low, even for you, Walker! You¡¯ve got your head so far up its ass, you could probably smell what it ate for breakfast!¡± Sam gritted his teeth. ¡°Shut it, Glitch!¡± he snarled, his voice muffled by Trorc butt cheek. ¡°This is not how I wanted this fight to go!¡± The Trorc flailed again, causing Karen to narrowly dodge another wild swing. She shot a disgusted look at the scene in front of her. ¡°Are you trying to fuck that thing, or just getting a better view?¡± she called out, laughing even as she sidestepped the Trorc¡¯s club. ¡°Do you think I¡¯m doing this on purpose?!¡± Sam snapped, finally wrenching himself free from the horrifying embrace of Trorc butt. He rolled across the ground, popping back to his feet just as the Trorc swung again, barely missing his head by inches. Without missing a beat, Sam activated his Back-Side-Stab ability, driving his dagger into the Trorc¡¯s back. The creature let out a confused grunt, its massive form glitching and spasming before it exploded into a thousand pixelated fragments. Its death animation was so janky that it looked like it was twerking as it disintegrated. Sam stood there, panting, wiping god-knows-what off his face. The battlefield was pure chaos¡ªTrorcs were everywhere, roaring and charging, their glitchy forms attacking the Misfits from all sides. Eli was rampaging through them like a maniac, throwing haymakers at anything that moved, while Karen launched spell after spell, most of which missed entirely. Lance was still standing off to the side, critiquing everything. ¡°I must say,¡± Lance muttered, watching the Trorcs charge at them, ¡°this whole encounter is deeply disappointing. The choreography is lackluster, the effects are subpar, and the enemies¡­ well, don¡¯t even get me started.¡± Sam wiped a hand across his sweaty forehead, glaring at the Snobbit. ¡°If you¡¯re not going to help, at least shut the fuck up.¡± Lance sniffed again, raising his nose slightly. ¡°One must maintain standards, even in the face of such abysmal combat.¡± Before Sam could throw a dagger at him, Trinket slid in from the side, her hands glowing with sultry energy as she prepared to cast her healing spell on Karen, who¡¯d just taken a nasty hit from a Trorc¡¯s club. Karen stumbled back, clutching her side and wincing in pain. ¡°Hold still, Karen,¡± Trinket purred, moving in with a flick of her wrist. Her Sizzling Caress ability lit up the air around them with a glowing, warm light. ¡°Let me take care of that for you¡­¡± Karen groaned. ¡°Not this shit again.¡± Trinket placed her hands just above Karen¡¯s side, her voice dripping with forced seduction thanks to her class. ¡°Oh, don¡¯t worry, honey. I¡¯ll stroke that deep, throbbing wound of yours, nice and slow¡­¡± Karen¡¯s eyes widened, her face contorting in pure disgust. ¡°Excuse me, what the fuck did you just say? GET ME HER BOSS, NOW!¡± Trinket sighed in exasperation. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean it like that! It¡¯s this spell, okay? I don¡¯t want to sound like some porn reject!¡± She blushed, flustered as her hands started to glow even brighter. Karen scowled, but she wasn¡¯t going to argue with healing. The warmth of the spell spread through her body, soothing the pain¡­ until, of course, it glitched. Instead of healing Karen¡¯s injured side, the spell flickered and slid downward, caressing Karen¡¯s leg in a way that made the entire situation even worse. ¡°Seriously?!¡± Karen yelled, slapping Trinket¡¯s hands away. ¡°Get your fucking pervy spell off me!¡± ¡°I¡¯m trying to heal you, alright?!¡± Trinket screeched, her face bright red as the spell continued to glitch. ¡°It¡¯s not my fault the damn universe decided I¡¯m the porn version of a healer! Just stand still!¡± Karen smacked her hand again. ¡°One more touch, and I¡¯m going to fucking nitpick your ass to death!¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t mean it like that!¡± Trinket screeched back, her voice cracking with embarrassment. She tried to focus, muttering curses under her breath. ¡°Shit stomred spell, can¡¯t even cast one heal without sounding like I¡¯m trying to seduce the damn battlefield¡­¡± Behind them, Glitch was practically howling with laughter. ¡°Oh, this is rich!¡± Glitch cackled, its voice filled with glee. ¡°Maybe try healing with a side of foreplay next time! I¡¯m sure Karen¡¯s just begging for it!¡± Karen whirled on Glitch. ¡°You shut the fuck up, too! I don¡¯t need a talking bag giving me sex advice!¡± ¡°I¡¯m just sayin¡¯,¡± Glitch chimed in. ¡°Maybe a little romance would help the battlefield vibes, you know? Spice things up a bit. Bring everyone together¡­¡± ¡°Do you want to get stabbed, you little shit?!¡± Karen growled. Sam groaned, shaking his head. ¡°This is a disaster,¡± he muttered, turning just in time to block another Trorc swing. The battlefield continued to spiral into chaos, with Trorcs charging, spells misfiring, and the Misfits doing what they did best: surviving through sheer incompetence and luck. The ground shuddered beneath Sam''s boots as the second wave of Trorcs emerged from the forest, their glitchy bodies phasing in and out of reality like they were stuck between this universe and some other badly-rendered hellhole. If the first batch of Trorcs had been a shitshow, this new horde was a full-on dumpster fire. They were bigger, uglier, and far more broken than their predecessors. One had a massive arm that stretched out twice its normal size before snapping back into place with a sickening crack. Another¡¯s legs kept switching directions, causing it to charge backward while its head stared straight ahead like some freakish glitch-bugged chicken. ¡°Why!? Why do there have to be more?¡± Sam muttered, already feeling his adrenaline waning. He wiped a hand across his sweaty brow and took a deep breath, knowing there was no chance of avoiding another ass-kicking session. Ted the ErrOrc, their heavy-metal-loving bard-barian, grinned maniacally as the Trorcs closed in. He slammed his guitar down, strumming a chaotic riff that echoed across the battlefield. ¡°Time to melt some faces, baby!¡± he yelled, unleashing his Power Chord Slam. The sound blast shot forward, a wall of sonic fury meant to flatten the advancing Trorcs and send them flying like ragdolls. Except, because this world was the universe¡¯s personal joke, the blast didn¡¯t hit the enemies at all. Instead, the sound wave ricocheted off random objects in the environment¡ªtrees, rocks, and even what looked like a weirdly glitched-out cow. Pixelated debris flew everywhere as the forest was shredded by the sheer force of Ted¡¯s attack. A rock the size of Sam¡¯s head materialized out of nowhere, flew through the air, and smacked one of the incoming Trorcs right in its pixelated face. The Trorc blinked in confusion, staggering under the impact of a fucking rock, of all things. ¡°What the¡­.?¡± Sam breathed, watching in disbelief as the beast wobbled on its feet. ¡°Fucking technical difficulties!¡± Ted roared in frustration, throwing his hands up as his guitar screeched and fizzled out. He slammed the instrument against the ground like a petulant toddler. ¡°I swear this world is held together with fucking duct tape!¡± Sam wasn¡¯t done swearing yet, either. Another Trorc¡ªa bigger one this time, its massive tusks drooling what looked like pixelated glitch-gunk¡ªcame barreling toward him. It roared, shaking the trees as it charged, its oversized arms glitching as they stretched longer than its body before snapping back into place. ¡°Great,¡± Sam growled, rolling his shoulders. He activated Butt of Shadows again, hoping¡ªpraying¡ªthis time it would actually work. He needed the shadows to help him dodge the oncoming blow, to move into position and slice the damn thing before it caved his skull in with its meat-hammer fists. But of course, the glitch had other ideas. Instead of slipping into the shadows like a sneaky assassin, the ability fizzled out again and sent Sam straight into the Trorc¡¯s enormous, hairy ass. Again. Sam blinked, momentarily stunned as he found himself face-to-cheek with yet another Trorc''s massive rear end. He could feel the coarse hair bristling against his skin, the stench so overpowering it almost knocked him out cold. How the fuck did this keep happening?! ¡°ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!¡± Sam screamed, his voice muffled by the Trorc¡¯s ass as he scrambled to free himself. The creature let out a confused grunt, clearly unsure why a fully grown man had just thrown himself headfirst into its backside. ¡°Is this a thing now, Sam?¡± Glitch chimed in, howling with laughter. ¡°You got a butt fetish or something? ¡®Cause, bro, this is getting kinda weird. You¡¯ve been face-deep in more Trorc ass today than I care to count!¡± ¡°Shut the fuck up, Glitch!¡± Sam roared, twisting and wriggling in an effort to pry himself out of the creature¡¯s hairy crack. The Trorc swayed back and forth, its arms flailing as it tried to reach behind itself to swat him away. Its movements only made things worse as Sam found himself pressed further into the monster¡¯s colossal backside. The beast swung blindly, its confusion mounting as it tried to shake him off. Sam finally wrenched himself free with a nauseating squelch, rolling across the ground in a desperate bid to put some distance between himself and the foul beast. ¡°I swear to god, I¡¯m about to lose my shit!¡± Still laughing hysterically, Glitch¡¯s voice echoed from his belt. ¡°Dude, next time, at least buy the Trorc dinner first! Can¡¯t go sticking your face up there without at least trying to seduce it first!¡± Sam wanted to punt Glitch into the sun, but before he could respond, the Trorc turned on him with a snarl. Wiping god-knows-what off his face, Sam leapt to his feet and drove his dagger into the beast¡¯s back with a furious, satisfying Back-Side-Stab. The creature let out a gurgling roar, its body spasming violently before it exploded into a shower of broken pixels. Its death animation glitched so hard that it ended up twerking as it disintegrated into a pile of pixelated goo. Sam stood there, panting, trying to wipe away the last remnants of Trorc stench from his face. ¡°Next time,¡± he muttered to himself, ¡°I¡¯m not aiming for anything with a fucking ass.¡± The ground shook again as more Trorcs poured from the forest, their glitchy forms towering over the battlefield. These ones were even worse¡ªlarger, more chaotic, their bodies phasing in and out like they didn¡¯t belong in this world. One of them had three arms, all glitching at different intervals. Another¡¯s head was floating three feet above its body, its mouth snapping open and shut like some fucked-up Pez dispenser. ¡°Of course,¡± Sam groaned. ¡°There¡¯s more.¡± Ted was still having a meltdown nearby, hammering on his guitar like it was somehow the instrument¡¯s fault that his ability had glitched out. ¡°Stupid fucking world!¡± he yelled, stomping on his effects pedals and sending out another blast of distorted sound waves that managed to completely miss the Trorcs and instead obliterated a patch of trees in the distance. Sam barely had time to process the situation before another Trorc¡ªthis one even larger than the last¡ªcame thundering toward him, its massive, glitching arms stretching unnaturally as it raised its jagged club for a killing blow. ¡°Fuck this!¡± Sam growled, dodging to the side just as the club crashed into the ground, sending dirt and rocks flying everywhere. He activated Butt of Shadows once more, hoping against hope that this time, it wouldn¡¯t betray him. The world flickered, and instead of the smooth shadow-step he was aiming for, Sam ended up smack dab in front of the Trorc¡¯s crotch. ¡°Are you fucking serious right now?!¡± Sam yelled, looking up at the monstrosity looming over him. The Trorc let out a bellowing laugh, its breath so rank that Sam gagged as he stumbled backward. His hands scrambled to activate Back-Side-Stab again, but the glitch delayed the move by a few crucial seconds. Just as the Trorc swung its massive club down toward him, Eli came barreling out of nowhere, shoulder-checking the Trorc with all the force of a runaway freight train. ¡°Get fucking rekt, bro!¡± Eli shouted, laughing as the Trorc was sent flying through the air, its oversized limbs flailing as it tumbled into the forest. Sam let out a shaky breath, still staring in disbelief at the spot where the Trorc had been standing. ¡°I¡¯m going to have nightmares about this,¡± he muttered, wiping his brow. Eli grinned, flexing his biceps as he surveyed the battlefield. ¡°Dude, that was fucking epic! Did you see how far that thing flew? Fucking Broger-Zerk mode, baby!¡± Before Sam could respond, another Trorc charged out of the trees, this one with legs so long and glitchy it looked like it was running on stilts. Sam and Eli barely had time to react before it was upon them. This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it. ¡°Switching targets!¡± Sam shouted, lunging forward as he activated Butt of Shadows one more time, hoping this time he wouldn¡¯t end up in yet another compromising position. He disappeared into the flickering shadows and reappeared behind the Trorc, his dagger poised for a strike. The blade sunk into the creature¡¯s back, and with a final, glitchy scream, it disintegrated into a cascade of broken pixels, its limbs spasming as it vanished into the ether. Sam exhaled sharply, staring at the pile of glowing fragments. ¡°I swear, this world is going to give me a fucking aneurysm.¡± ¡°Bro, that was awesome!¡± Eli yelled, still riding the high from sending the previous Trorc flying. ¡°Let¡¯s smash some more of these fuckers!¡± Sam shook his head, glancing at the incoming wave of even more broken Trorcs. ¡°Yeah,¡± he muttered, exhaustion starting to creep into his voice. ¡°Sure. Let¡¯s fucking smash them.¡± ________ Eli was in full Bro-zerk Mode, his face twisted in a gleeful grin that only a certified meathead could wear while bashing skulls. His massive arms bulged as he hefted not one, but two full kegs over his head¡ªwhere the hell he¡¯d found them in the middle of a Trorc-ravaged battlefield, no one knew, but Eli was nothing if not resourceful when it came to alcohol and chaos. With a wild, guttural roar, Eli smashed the kegs together, sending an explosion of frothy beer and glitchy booze cascading across the battlefield like a tsunami of drunken debauchery. Keg Smash in all its glory¡ªexcept, of course, because nothing in this universe worked as it should, the ability glitched out in the most horrific way possible. The wave of alcohol was supposed to only hit the Trorcs, sending them flying backward, disoriented and easy pickings for the Misfits. But instead, the booze sprayed in all directions, drenching not only the enemies but the entire party. Sam felt the world tilt beneath him. One second, he was steady on his feet, dodging Trorc attacks like a pro. The next, the ground was doing the cha-cha, and he was stumbling like a dude who¡¯d just spent twelve hours at an open bar. He reached out to steady himself, but his hand missed the hilt of his dagger by a good foot, like he was moving underwater. ¡°Oh, for Christ¡¯s sake!¡­¡± Sam groaned, blinking as the horizon wobbled in front of him. It felt like someone had poured a barrel of rum directly into his bloodstream. The Trorcs weren¡¯t the only ones affected¡ªeveryone was staggering around like they were in the world¡¯s shittiest frat party. ¡°Bro, I can¡¯t feel my legs!¡± Eli slurred, staggering across the battlefield like a frat boy fresh off a keg stand. His eyes were glazed over, half-lidded, and his punches were flailing wildly at anything that moved¡ªfriend, foe, tree, rock, anything. The man was a walking tornado of drunken destruction. Sam swayed to the side as the ground shifted under him, narrowly avoiding one of Eli¡¯s wild swings. ¡°Eli, I swear to god, if you puke on me¡ª¡± Too late. The sound of retching filled the air, and Sam could only watch in horror as Eli¡¯s stomach churned and a wave of vomit spewed from his mouth like a goddamn fire hose. The spray was everywhere, drenching everything within a ten-foot radius in a sticky, foul-smelling rain. Trorcs and Misfits alike were caught in the deluge, slipping and sliding on the slick ground as Eli¡¯s vomit covered the battlefield like a Jackson Pollock painting from hell. Sam wiped the mess from his face, his expression a mixture of horror and disgust. ¡°You God Daaaaamned meathead!¡± Eli, eyes still glazed, grinned like a dumb golden retriever, oblivious to the chaos he¡¯d just unleashed. ¡°Dude,¡± he slurred, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. ¡°That was rad!¡± ¡°Rad?! You just fucking puked on the entire battlefield, you jackass!¡± Sam yelled, trying to scrape the vomit off his armor. Before Sam could continue chewing out Eli for his latest fuck-up, a group of Trorcs, now just as drunk and uncoordinated as the Misfits, came stumbling forward. One of them tripped over a rock, crashing into its fellow Trorc like a sloppy drunk at a bar fight. It staggered to its feet, glaring at Sam with bleary eyes, before it took a wild swing at him¡ªexcept its swing went in the completely opposite direction, the glitch making its arm twist backward in a ridiculous corkscrew motion. Sam ducked, stumbling out of the way just as the Trorc punched its own comrade in the face. ¡°This universe was designed by a sadistic asshole with a vendetta against physics.¡± Sam muttered. Pixel zigzagged across the battlefield in a blur of pixelated light. The small creature was glitching in and out of visibility, its body flickering with rapid-fire distortions. At first glance, Pixel looked like a blocky, neon fox¡ªexcept, like everything else in Sam¡¯s life, it was fucked up beyond belief. It zoomed in between the Trorcs¡¯ legs, tripping them up as it skidded across the vomit-covered ground. One Trorc flailed, its leg jerking out of control as it tried to kick Pixel, only for its foot to glitch through the ground. ¡°Hah!¡± Sam barked out a laugh as the Trorc struggled to pull its leg free, its foot stuck halfway into the earth. ¡°Suck it, you glitchy piece of shit!¡± Pixel, meanwhile, seemed to be having the time of its life. The little creature darted back and forth, spinning in circles around the Trorcs and leaving trails of pixelated light in its wake. It looked more like a rave than a fight, but Sam wasn¡¯t complaining¡ªit was the only thing in this battle that seemed to be working in their favor. Trinket wasn¡¯t so lucky. She had just finished dealing with Karen¡¯s less-than-enthusiastic response to her sultry healing, and now she was struggling to stay upright, swaying like a drunk at closing time. ¡°Oh great, now I¡¯m buzzed too,¡± she muttered, her voice slipping into that seductive tone her class forced on her. ¡°Anyone else need some special attention? I can stroke more than just your wounds¡­¡± One of the nearby Trorcs blinked at her, its tusked mouth hanging open in confusion, like it couldn¡¯t decide if it was supposed to be scared or turned on. Trinket¡¯s hands glowed with a seductive aura as she sauntered closer to it, her hips swaying more than usual thanks to Eli¡¯s booze-fueled spell. ¡°How about I rub that tension out of your shoulders, big boy?¡± Sam turned, just in time to see Trinket¡¯s magic hands caressing the air sensually, heading straight for the Trorc¡¯s face. ¡°Trinket, for fuck¡¯s sake¡ªno,¡± Sam shouted, his voice heavy with exasperation. But it was too late. The Trorc, clearly not understanding what the hell was happening, let out a low, rumbling growl and took a step back, shaking its head violently. Then, as if the universe decided it hadn¡¯t humiliated enough people today, Trinket¡¯s spell glitched. The sultry magic meant to soothe the enemy¡¯s wounds instead exploded in a wave of literal fireworks, sending sparks and hearts flying out of the Trorc¡¯s ears. The beast blinked, dumbstruck, before falling over like a sack of glitchy potatoes. It lay there, twitching slightly, pink hearts still floating above its head. Trinket stared down at the unconscious Trorc, a look of bewilderment on her face. ¡°I, uh¡­ that wasn¡¯t supposed to happen,¡± she murmured, glancing over at Sam, her cheeks flushed from embarrassment and booze. ¡°Though I did make him fall for me, technically.¡± Sam just shook his head, barely dodging another sloppy punch from a drunken Trorc. ¡°You know what, I¡¯m not even surprised anymore. This whole thing is a fucking circus.¡± Behind them, Eli was still wreaking havoc, stumbling around the battlefield like a wrecking ball with no regard for what he hit. Another wave of vomit spewed from his mouth, catching two more Trorcs in the spray. The creatures staggered, slipping on the slick ground, before collapsing into a heap of tangled limbs and nauseated groans. ¡°Bro!¡± Eli shouted, pumping his fists in the air as he staggered toward the nearest Trorc. ¡°I¡¯m gonna punch this fucker into the sun!¡± Sam watched in horror as Eli charged, his fists flailing wildly. The Trorc, still swaying drunkenly from Eli¡¯s Keg Smash, blinked in confusion as the Brogre crashed into it full-force. There was a sickening crunch as Eli¡¯s massive body collided with the beast, sending both of them tumbling through the air. Eli landed hard, sprawled out on the ground, his body half-covered in vomit and dirt. He looked up at Sam, his eyes glassy and unfocused. ¡°Dude¡­ did I just punch him into space?¡± Sam groaned, rubbing his temples as he stumbled over to where Eli lay in the mud. ¡°No, you fucking idiot. You just body-slammed yourself into the ground.¡± Eli blinked up at him, a dopey grin spreading across his face. ¡°Sick.¡± Sam looked down at his vomit-covered armor, then over at the battlefield, where half the Trorcs were either unconscious, puking, or tripping over their own feet thanks to Eli¡¯s booze rampage. He let out a long, exhausted sigh. ¡°I need a real drink.¡± Pixel zipped by, flashing a cheeky pixelated grin, before darting off again to trip up another confused Trorc. Sam watched it go, shaking his head. ¡°Two drinks.¡± _____ The battlefield was already a mess of vomit, booze, and pixelated glitch carnage when S the Smelf finally lost his shit. The sight of another wave of Trorcs pouring out of the glitch-ridden forest was the last fucking straw. Sam glanced over just as S¡¯s body began to twitch and shift, his frustration bubbling over into full-on Swearwolf mode. His transformation wasn¡¯t pretty. It never was. Bones cracked, fur sprouted, and a string of profanity spewed from his mouth, turning the air around him thick with curses. His once-lean elven frame expanded into the hulking, snarling wolf-man that only emerged when S was well and truly done with the universe¡¯s bullshit. ¡°Let¡¯s fuck shit up!¡± S roared, his voice like gravel wrapped in barbed wire, each curse fueling his transformation. His claws extended into sharp, deadly weapons that glinted in the flickering light of the battlefield. The nearest Trorc barely had time to react before S lunged forward, tearing through it with brutal efficiency. Claws shredded flesh, sending a spray of glitchy gore across the field. The Trorc let out a garbled scream as it disintegrated into a shower of corrupted pixels. But, as usual, the universe couldn¡¯t just let things be. As S howled his Howl of Expletives, intending to confuse the enemies and turn the tide of battle, the ability glitched. Instead of targeting just the Trorcs, the blast of swear-laden fury hit everyone on the battlefield. Chaos. Absolute fucking chaos. The Misfits, the Trorcs¡ªhell, even the rocks and trees¡ªsuddenly found themselves under the influence of S¡¯s glitchy curse. Sam ducked just in time to avoid one of Eli¡¯s wild swings, his Brogre muscles powered by drunken rage and now, thanks to S¡¯s curse, blind confusion. ¡°Let¡¯s go, bro!¡± Eli cheered, his voice slurred and gleeful as he swung at anything that moved. Unfortunately for Sam, Eli wasn¡¯t paying attention to who¡ªor what¡ªhe was swinging at. ¡°Great,¡± Sam muttered under his breath as he dodged yet another errant punch from Eli. ¡°We¡¯re all gonna die, and it¡¯s because of a glitchy fucking swearwolf.¡± All around them, Trorcs and Misfits alike were swinging, stumbling, and cursing, unsure of who the enemy was anymore. A Trorc lumbered toward Sam, eyes glazed over in confusion, its massive fists swinging wide. Sam ducked under the blow, using Butt of Shadows to try and get behind it, but of course, the ability fizzled out just as he activated it. He barely avoided getting flattened by the Trorc¡¯s wild swing, tumbling across the battlefield in a messy roll. Pixel, who had been darting around tripping up Trorcs, suddenly glitched, zipping in and out of visibility as the curse hit it too. The little pixelated fox let out a series of beeps and digital screeches, flickering wildly as it darted under Sam¡¯s legs, nearly tripping him in the process. ¡°Fucking hell, Pixel!¡± Sam yelled, stumbling as he tried to regain his balance. ¡°Get your shit together!¡± Meanwhile, Trinket was standing in the middle of the battlefield, swaying her hips in a way that was clearly not meant for combat. Her glowing hands were raised, her sultry voice cutting through the confusion as she readied her next spell. ¡°Who¡¯s ready for a little hands-on healing, boys?¡± she purred, winking at a nearby Trorc. The poor bastard froze, its tusked mouth hanging open in utter confusion, not sure whether to attack or start blushing. Sam groaned. ¡°Trinket, for fuck¡¯s sake, this is not the time¡ª¡± But it was too late. Trinket had fully embraced her class¡¯s absurdity, her hands glowing with seductive energy as she activated her Glitchy Grapple ability. Her form shimmered and shifted, turning into a holographic succubus that looked like it had been ripped straight out of someone¡¯s worst fanfiction fantasy. Her eyes glowed with a sultry light, her hips swaying with every step as she strutted across the battlefield, her charm ability washing over everything in range. The effect was immediate. Every single Trorc within sight froze, their weapons dropping to the ground as their eyes glazed over. They stared, slack-jawed, at Trinket¡¯s seductive form, completely and utterly enthralled. Even the ones who had been mid-swing with their weapons suddenly found themselves lowering their arms, captivated by her glitchy allure. ¡°Take it all, boys. Or if you want - I can take it all¡­..¡± Trinket muttered under her breath, clearly embarrassed by the whole thing. She was trying to keep up the sultry act, but Sam could see the twitch in her eye as she internally screamed at the absurdity of her situation. ¡°I¡¯ll be gentle¡­ unless you want it rough.¡± Glitch, still hanging from Sam¡¯s belt, burst into another fit of hysterical laughter. ¡°Hell ya! Can you believe this shit? I swear, if we get out of this alive, I¡¯m going to tell this story for centuries! Seducing Trorcs¡ªwho would¡¯ve thought?!¡± Sam slapped Glitch, trying to shut the sentient bag up. ¡°Not helping, Glitch!¡± Glitch continued to cackle, the bag¡¯s voice vibrating with mirth. ¡°Oh, come on, Sam. You¡¯ve gotta admit, this is hilarious! What¡¯s next? Is she gonna start giving them a lap dance?¡± Sam glared at the bag. ¡°One more word, and I¡¯m turning you into a fucking coin purse.¡± The distraction, though, had worked. The Trorcs were so thoroughly mesmerized by Trinket¡¯s glitchy succubus form that they had completely stopped fighting. The battlefield, which had been a clusterfuck of wild swings and confusion, suddenly went eerily still as every Trorc stared at her like they were hypnotized. Trinket looked around, a mix of satisfaction and shame on her face. ¡°Well, at least they¡¯re not killing us now,¡± she muttered, the holographic wings on her back twitching awkwardly as she stood there, glowing like a neon sign advertising some shady nightclub. ¡°Good job, Trinket,¡± Sam said, trying to sound appreciative, but mostly just tired. ¡°You¡¯ve successfully turned a battle into a fucking strip club.¡± Trinket shot him a glare, crossing her arms under her holographic chest. ¡°Like I wanted to do this! This stupid universe makes everything I do sound like I¡¯m auditioning for porn!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± Glitch chimed in, still laughing. ¡°It seems to be working pretty damn well.¡± ¡°Shut up, Glitch!¡± both Sam and Trinket yelled in unison. With the Trorcs now completely captivated by Trinket¡¯s charm, the Misfits had a brief moment to regroup. Sam took a deep breath, trying to steady himself as he wiped more dirt¡ªand probably Trorc vomit¡ªoff his face. He glanced over at Eli, who was still swaying slightly, his eyes half-lidded and his grin goofy as ever. ¡°I feel like I¡¯m at a frat party,¡± Eli said, blinking at the scene in front of him. ¡°Like, that one time I chugged an entire keg and woke up with a traffic cone on my head, except this is way cooler.¡± ¡°Eli,¡± Sam said, his voice flat, ¡°if you puke again, I will personally fucking end you.¡± Eli held up his hands in mock surrender, still grinning. ¡°No promises, bro. This booze smash shit is wild.¡± S the Smelf, still in full Swearwolf mode, was pacing at the edge of the battlefield, his eyes glowing red as he tried to shake off the effects of his glitched howl. ¡°Stupid universe,¡± he muttered, his claws flexing as he glared at the remaining Trorcs. ¡°I¡¯m gonna rip every one of these fuckers apart, glitch or no glitch.¡± Sam sighed. ¡°Look, we need to focus. Trinket¡¯s got them distracted, but we¡¯ve got to figure out what the hell we¡¯re going to do next before this whole situation gets even worse.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve got a suggestion,¡± Glitch piped up from his belt. ¡°How about we just, you know, not die? That sound good to everyone?¡± Sam ignored the bag, his mind racing as he tried to formulate a plan. The battlefield was still littered with the remains of the first wave of Trorcs, and now the second wave was completely under Trinket¡¯s spell, but that wouldn¡¯t last forever. He knew it. As soon as the spell wore off, they¡¯d be right back in the shitstorm. ¡°We need a way to finish this,¡± Sam said, glancing around at the Misfits. ¡°Something big. Something that¡¯ll take them all out at once.¡± Trinket, still holding her seductive pose, sighed. ¡°Yeah, well, you guys better hurry up. My charms don¡¯t last forever, and I really don¡¯t want to find out what happens when they snap out of it.¡± Sam grinned, his eyes narrowing as an idea began to form in his head. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, Trinket. I think I¡¯ve got just the thing.¡± Sam¡¯s grin was anything but comforting to the rest of the Misfits. His mind was racing, and in a world as broken as this one, racing thoughts usually led to incredibly stupid ideas. The battlefield was a hot mess of mesmerized Trorcs, vomiting Brogres, and sultry spells, but Sam figured that if there was ever a time for a wild, barely-formed plan to succeed, it was now. He wiped the sweat, dirt, and possibly Trorc vomit off his brow, looking around at his half-wrecked team. Trinket was still standing in the middle of the battlefield, hips cocked, arms crossed, and glowing with that neon-porn-shop-succubus aura, keeping the Trorcs under her spell. Eli was swaying slightly but still functional in his Bro-zerk state. S was pacing like a caged animal, claws twitching, ready to rip into something. Ted the ErrOrc was off in the distance, shredding a riff on his guitar, oblivious to the chaos as he continued to miss the timing on his spells. And then there was Pixel, who zipped by his feet, flickering and glitching like some kind of glitchy rave mascot. ¡°Alright,¡± Sam muttered, rubbing his temples. ¡°We need to finish this before things go to hell again.¡± His eyes flicked to Eli, who was still grinning like a frat bro on spring break, and then back to Trinket. ¡°Here¡¯s the plan. Trinket, I need you to ramp up the charm spell. Get them even more distracted.¡± Trinket¡¯s eyes widened. ¡°Ramp it up? Sam, these Trorcs are already one panty-drop away from offering me a dowry! You want me to¡ªwhat? Start grinding on them?¡± Sam winced. ¡°Jesus, no. Just¡­ you know, seduce them harder.¡± Trinket narrowed her eyes, glaring at him. ¡°You are lucky we¡¯re about to die, Sam.¡± ¡°Trust me,¡± Sam said, holding up his hands in surrender. ¡°It¡¯s necessary. Meanwhile, S, you¡¯re going to flank them. Wait until I give the signal. Then¡­ well, you¡¯re going to rip them apart. Go nuts.¡± ¡°Finally,¡± S growled, his claws extending even further. His eyes glowed with a mix of rage and anticipation, his wolfish grin revealing far too many sharp teeth. ¡°I¡¯ve been waiting to rip these fuckers in half.¡± ¡°I¡¯m in,¡± S snarled, cracking his neck. Sam¡¯s gaze flicked over to Ted, who was still shredding away on his guitar. ¡°Ted, stop fucking around and get ready to drop something big. I need one of your Power Chord Slams, but not until I give you the signal.¡± Ted threw a thumbs-up without missing a beat on his guitar. ¡°Hell yeah! Time to turn this shit up to eleven!¡± ¡°Good,¡± Sam said, cracking his knuckles. ¡°Here¡¯s the kicker¡ªwe¡¯re going to turn their own stupidity against them.¡± Sam looked down at Pixel, the small fox bouncing around his feet in a blur of pixelated light. The little creature paused, flickering in and out of visibility, its beady eyes looking up at Sam expectantly. ¡°Pixel,¡± Sam said, grinning, ¡°I¡¯m going to need you to glitch out harder than you ever have before.¡± Pixel let out a series of high-pitched, digital beeps that sounded suspiciously like it was laughing. The little fox spun around in a blur, leaving a trail of pixelated light in its wake. ¡°Alright, here¡¯s what we¡¯re going to do,¡± Sam said, lowering his voice. ¡°We¡¯re going to use Trinket¡¯s distraction to lure the Trorcs into a single spot. Once they¡¯re all in one place, Eli¡¯s going to throw everything he¡¯s got at them. While they¡¯re disoriented, S and I will finish them off. And Ted¡­ well, you¡¯re going to make sure they never get up again.¡± Trinket crossed her arms, still glowing with sultry magic. ¡°And what happens if this plan fails and they all snap out of it at once?¡± Sam grinned, his eyes flashing with mischief. ¡°Then we¡¯re so fucked, it won¡¯t even matter.¡± ¡°Comforting,¡± Trinket muttered under her breath, but she rolled her shoulders, readying herself to ramp up the charm. Sam turned to face the battlefield, where the remaining Trorcs were still standing around, slack-jawed, completely mesmerized by Trinket¡¯s succubus form. ¡°Alright,¡± Sam said, taking a deep breath. ¡°Let¡¯s do this.¡± Trinket straightened up, her holographic wings glowing even brighter as she swayed her hips in an exaggerated motion that made Sam want to dig a hole and crawl into it out of secondhand embarrassment. She turned toward the group of Trorcs, her voice dropping into a sultry, sexy tone that was somehow both mortifying and terrifyingly effective. ¡°Come on, boys,¡± she cooed, blowing a kiss at the nearest Trorc. ¡°Don¡¯t you want to come closer? I promise I¡¯ll take real good care of you¡­¡± The Trorcs, completely under her spell, shuffled forward like lovesick puppies. Their weapons clattered to the ground as they moved toward her, eyes glazed over with lust and confusion. One of them tripped over a fallen tree, crashing face-first into the dirt, but immediately scrambled to its feet, eager to be near Trinket¡¯s holographic form. ¡°I feel dirty just watching this,¡± Sam muttered, rubbing his face. Glitch, hanging from his belt, piped up with a snicker. ¡°Don¡¯t act like you¡¯re not enjoying the show, Sam. She¡¯s got these dumbasses wrapped around her finger.¡± The Trorcs continued to shuffle forward, gathering in a tight circle around Trinket. Their massive forms towered over her, but none of them made a move to attack. They were completely enraptured by her charms, drooling and slack-jawed as they closed in. ¡°Alright, now, Eli!¡± Sam shouted. Eli, who had been leaning against a tree looking like he was two steps away from passing out, suddenly perked up. ¡°Bro, it¡¯s go time!¡± He stumbled forward, hefting a massive barrel over his shoulder. With a wild yell, Eli charged toward the group of Trorcs, hurling the barrel straight into the center of the pack. The impact was immediate. The barrel exploded in a massive burst of booze and fire, drenching the Trorcs in a wave of alcohol and flame. They staggered, roaring in confusion, their bodies catching fire as the explosion rocked the battlefield. ¡°Now, S!¡± Sam shouted. S the Swearwolf didn¡¯t need to be told twice. With a guttural growl, he leapt into the fray, his claws extended, tearing into the nearest Trorc with savage fury. His curses filled the air as he ripped through flesh and bone, sending sprays of glitchy gore flying in every direction. ¡°Here comes the SHIT storm!¡± S snarled, his attacks fueled by pure, unadulterated rage. His claws shredded through the Trorcs like they were made of paper, each strike leaving a trail of carnage in his wake. Sam didn¡¯t hesitate. He activated Butt of Shadows, slipping into the shadows behind one of the disoriented Trorcs. In a fluid motion, he drove his dagger into its back, activating Back-Side-Stab and sending the creature collapsing to the ground in a heap of pixels. ¡°Ted, now!¡± Sam shouted, looking over at the bard-barian. Ted grinned wildly, his fingers flying across his guitar strings as he unleashed a massive Power Chord Slam. The soundwave ripped through the air, slamming into the remaining Trorcs with the force of a fucking freight train. The creatures were thrown back, crashing into each other as the ground beneath them shook from the impact. Pixel zipped across the battlefield, weaving between the fallen Trorcs, its pixelated form leaving streaks of light in its wake. With a final, glitchy burst of speed, it darted through the legs of one of the largest Trorcs, tripping it up and sending it crashing to the ground. The battlefield was a mess of burning Trorcs, glitchy explosions, and drunken chaos. But somehow, miraculously, Sam¡¯s plan had worked. The Trorcs lay scattered and defeated, their bodies twitching and glitching as they disintegrated into pixels. Sam stood in the center of it all, panting heavily as he surveyed the carnage. ¡°Well¡­ that was fucking insane.¡± Trinket, still glowing with sultry magic, crossed her arms and gave him a pointed look. ¡°You owe me so much for this, Sam.¡± ¡°What do you have in mind?¡± Sam said, with a huge grin on his face., wiping the sweat from his face. ¡°Just kidding, Trinket. Thank you. I¡¯ll buy you a drink later..¡± ¡°Make it three, and I¡¯ll consider not stabbing you in your sleep,¡± Trinket replied, her eyes flashing with amusement. Glitch, still laughing from Sam¡¯s belt, chimed in. ¡°That was the most beautiful mess I¡¯ve ever seen. You guys should be proud.¡± Before Sam could respond, a familiar ding echoed in his ears, followed by a transparent notification window flashing in front of his face. Quest Complete: "Small Invasion Outside Drunken Misfit" Tallying results... Sam blinked. Glitch burst into uncontrollable laughter. ¡°¡®Small Invasion,¡¯ my left nut! That was a fucking disaster!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t even know how we survived,¡± Sam muttered, shaking his head. ¡°Doesn¡¯t matter. We lived. What¡¯s next?¡± Another chime echoed in the air, and then, suddenly, Sam felt a strange jolt ripple through his body. His muscles tensed, and a surge of energy washed over him, leaving him feeling sharper, faster, stronger. Level up! Sam blinked, barely registering the notification before another wave hit him. The sensation of leveling up was familiar¡ªbut it wasn¡¯t supposed to happen this quickly, especially not without any visible loot or XP counters. Level up! Level up! Level up! Chapter 11: Level Up! - Oh ya... Loop Sam Walker stood in the field of ruined Trorc corpses, panting like a goddamn dog. The air around him reeked of burnt flesh, wet dirt, and the metallic tang of blood. His entire body felt like it had been put through a blender and slapped back together by someone who didn¡¯t know where any of the pieces were supposed to go. Every muscle in his body screamed, and yet there was something worse gnawing at him. It wasn¡¯t the exhaustion. It wasn¡¯t even the searing pain in his side where one of those glitchy bastards had nearly disemboweled him. No, it was the flashing LEVEL UP notification in front of his eyes, practically mocking him. LEVEL 7 ACHIEVED! Normally, leveling up would have felt like sweet, sweet validation after a battle this messed up. But this time, something was off. The notification flickered erratically in the corner of his vision, the numbers next to his stats dancing in a way that made his stomach twist. Then he saw it¡ªthe insult. The kick in the nuts after all his hard work. STAT POINTS AVAILABLE: 20 ¡°Twenty points?¡± Sam muttered, his voice drenched in disbelief. ¡°What the actual fuck?¡± He¡¯d just leveled up four times, and instead of the glorious bounty of 60 points he deserved, the world had decided to give him a measly five points per level. ¡°That can¡¯t be right,¡± he grumbled, swiping at the flickering HUD in frustration. But no matter how many times he refreshed, no matter how hard he blinked, the glitch remained. He was stuck with twenty points. And it wasn¡¯t just a glitch¡ªit was a cosmic-level screw job. ¡°Oh no, sweetheart,¡± came the smug voice of Glitch, his sentient inventory bag. ¡°Looks like someone¡¯s getting nerfed.¡± ¡°Fuck off, Glitch,¡± Sam snapped, his temper flaring. ¡°I mean, you did kind of bumble your way through the last fight,¡± Glitch continued, sounding way too pleased with himself. ¡°Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something.¡± ¡°Yeah, like go fuck yourself,¡± Sam growled, swiping his hand through the air to open his stat screen. He was still pissed off, but there was nothing he could do about the glitch now. With a sigh, he focused on his points allocation. ________ SAM WALKER ¨C ASS-ASS-IN LEVEL 7 STRENGTH: 18 DEXTERITY: 20 CONSTITUTION: 14 INTELLIGENCE: Enough to know I¡¯m screwed. LUCK: 13 STAT POINTS AVAILABLE: 20 ________ He stared at the numbers, debating where to put his points. After the chaos of that last fight, speed and luck seemed like his best bet for staying alive. With a grunt of irritation, he started distributing his points: 10 into Dexterity and 10 into Luck. He needed to move faster, dodge harder, and hopefully avoid another ass-kicking like today. ________ SAM WALKER ¨C ASS-ASS-IN LEVEL 7 STRENGTH: 18 DEXTERITY: 30 CONSTITUTION: 14 INTELLIGENCE: Still screwed. LUCK: 23 ________ Sam scrolled through his stat screen, eyes narrowing as he examined the skills that had been updated and the ones that seemed... new, in a horrifying kind of way. The flickering HUD kept stuttering, but eventually, his list of abilities stabilized enough for him to read. __________ Back-Side Stab (Upgraded): Type: Attack Effect: Sam can now land even more devastating strikes on enemies from behind, targeting an even more humiliating spot. Damage: 50¨C75 (Fluctuates depending on enemy''s awareness) Special Effect: 20% chance to increase enemy''s morale debuff by 15% due to embarrassment Bonus Effect: Critical hit chance increases by 10% when targeting enemies unaware of Sam''s presence. Butt of Shadows (Upgraded): Type: Stealth Effect: Sam turns almost entirely invisible, except for his highly visible, glowing rear end. The invisibility duration is extended. Duration: 60 seconds Special Effect: 5% chance to completely hide even the glowing butt, but there''s a 15% chance it will glow brighter during critical moments. Bonus Effect: 10% increase in stealth success rate when crouching. Meh, Close Enough (Upgraded): Type: Area Attack Effect: With a now-wider attack radius, Sam¡¯s wild swings can hit nearby enemies (and potentially allies). Range: 10 feet Special Effect: 30% chance of hitting unintended targets Bonus Effect: 15% chance of stunning all nearby targets, friend or foe, for 2 seconds due to sheer chaos. Shadow Shift (New): Type: Teleport Effect: Sam teleports behind an enemy, but the process is unpredictable. Sometimes he arrives several feet away or halfway inside a wall. Success Rate: 75% Special Effect: 10% chance Sam gets stuck inside an object for 3 seconds, leaving him vulnerable. Bonus Effect: Critical strike damage increases by 20% when successfully appearing directly behind the target. Lucky Ass (Upgraded): Type: Evasion Effect: Sam''s dodging ability improves dramatically due to clumsy luck. He often dodges attacks by falling or tripping. Dodge Chance: 50% Special Effect: 25% chance enemies trip or fall while attacking him. Bonus Effect: Dodging causes enemies to suffer a 5% defense debuff for 5 seconds due to disorientation. Taint Blinder (New): Type: Stun Effect: Activated by Sam¡¯s "I Heart Hairy Taints" tattoo, he releases a blinding flash from his hand. Range: 15 feet Effect Duration: 4 seconds Special Effect: Sam must shout variations of "I love hairy taints!" for the effect to activate. Bonus Effect: A 10% chance that the blinding flash also reduces enemy accuracy by 20% for 6 seconds. __________ Sam rubbed his temples, staring at the absurd list of abilities on his HUD. The newly updated skills were as ridiculous as ever, but now with an extra dose of mortifying humiliation. He sighed and scrolled through them again, the flickering interface barely keeping it together long enough to let him absorb the details. ¡°Great. Just what I needed,¡± Sam muttered. ¡°More ass-based attacks and the chance to get stuck in a wall. Fucking fantastic.¡± Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit. Glitch, hanging lazily at his side, chimed in, sounding way too cheerful for the moment. ¡°You¡¯re really growing into your role, Sam. Soon, you¡¯ll be the stuff of legend. Not because you¡¯re good, mind you, but because you¡¯re the walking definition of ¡®shit luck.¡¯ I mean, who else can dodge by tripping and still come out on top?¡± ¡°Yeah, well, if I wanted to be remembered for anything, it wasn¡¯t my glowing ass or shouting about loving hairy taints.¡± Sam scrolled to his newest skill, Taint Blinder, and groaned. ¡°This world is really trying to break me, isn¡¯t it?¡± Glitch burst out laughing, wheezing with amusement. ¡°Oh, it¡¯s doing more than trying¡ªit¡¯s succeeding. But come on, Sam, you gotta admit it¡¯s hilarious. You¡¯re the first guy in history to turn a tramp stamp into a weapon of mass embarrassment. Own it, baby.¡± Sam shook his head in disbelief. ¡°I don¡¯t want to own shit. Weaponizing my taint tattoo... yeah, that¡¯s what I always dreamed of.¡± Glitch snickered louder. ¡°And you thought the worst thing about it would be explaining it to a potential date. Now you get to scream ¡®I love licking hairy taints!¡¯ in the middle of a battle. Iconic.¡± Sam¡¯s eye twitched. ¡°I swear to all that¡¯s holy, if I didn¡¯t have to yell that to make the skill work, I¡¯d be fine. But noooo. The world¡¯s gotta glitch my mouth too.¡± ¡°Well, you do sound pretty convincing,¡± Glitch teased. ¡°I almost believe you mean it.¡± Sam rolled his eyes. ¡°If I start liking it, feel free to put me out of my misery.¡± Before Sam could spiral further into taint-based despair, Trinket strolled up, her fox-like grin plastered across her face. She was all swagger, hips swaying with that signature ¡°I-just-kicked-ass¡± confidence. Her gear was in even worse shape than Sam''s, her armor hanging together by sheer stubbornness and a few glitchy pixels. ¡°Well, look who finally decided to join the ranks of the useful,¡± Trinket teased, giving Sam a mock salute. ¡°Level 7, huh? That¡¯s cute. I remember my first time hitting 7. It was back when the game wasn¡¯t trying to actively delete my existence.¡± Sam managed a cocky smirk despite the chaos in his head. ¡°Cute? You¡¯re just jealous. Besides, I¡¯m handling this world like a goddamn legend. Or didn¡¯t you see my taint-blasting skills?¡± Trinket raised an eyebrow, clearly amused but also somewhat horrified. ¡°Your what?¡± ¡°Oh yeah,¡± Glitch interjected gleefully. ¡°Sam¡¯s rocking the most powerful taint in the land. Blinding enemies, dropping pants, you name it.¡± Trinket blinked in disbelief, then burst out laughing. ¡°You¡¯re fucking kidding me.¡± ¡°I wish,¡± Sam muttered, the irritation returning. ¡°But no, this glitchy-ass world decided that I should be the bearer of the mighty ¡®I love hairy taints¡¯ battle cry.¡± Trinket wiped a tear from her eye. ¡°Oh, I have to see that in action. What else did you get? Ass-stealth?¡± Sam shot her a look. ¡°Yeah, yeah. But enough about me. What¡¯s your deal with the sultry dialogue during fights? I mean, ¡®let me soothe your throbbing wound¡¯? What class are you even playing?¡± Her smirk faltered, her face turning bright red. ¡°I¡ªI don¡¯t control what comes out during the spells, okay? The world is broken, remember? It¡¯s not my fault!¡± Glitch, not missing a beat, added, ¡°Yeah, sure, Trinket. But seriously, what are you? Because whatever you¡¯re casting out there sounds like you¡¯re narrating the world¡¯s worst erotic novel.¡± Sam grinned wickedly. ¡°I thought you were going to offer the last Trorc a sensual massage before you sliced his head off.¡± Trinket groaned, burying her face in her hands. ¡°Oh my god, shut up. I¡¯m a Hexual Healer, okay?¡± Both Sam and Glitch froze for a second, then erupted into laughter. ¡°You¡¯ve gotta be shitting me,¡± Sam managed between fits of laughter. ¡°That¡¯s a real class? No wonder your healing spells sound like bad pickup lines!¡± Trinket¡¯s eyes narrowed, though her embarrassment was obvious. ¡°Yes! It¡¯s a real class! And I can¡¯t help that it sounds like I¡¯m trying to seduce my enemies. That¡¯s just the glitch!¡± Sam leaned back, grinning ear to ear. ¡°Honestly? I love it. You¡¯re basically a walking wet dream with a side of murder. It¡¯s amazing.¡± Trinket looked like she wanted to disappear, but Glitch only made it worse. ¡°Forget healing. You should go full-on ¡®adult entertainment healer.¡¯ Make bank.¡± ¡°Fuck both of you,¡± she muttered, though the corner of her lips twitched in amusement. ¡°Hey,¡± Sam said, putting a hand to his chest. ¡°I¡¯ve got an entire crowd of enemies blinded by the power of my tattoo. I know humiliation.¡± ¡°Humiliation?¡± Glitch snorted. ¡°You¡¯ve transcended that, my friend. You¡¯ve reached ¡®legendary douchebag.¡¯¡± Sam rolled his eyes but couldn¡¯t help the grin spreading across his face. Suddenly, Loop¡¯s familiar voice cut through the laughter. ¡°Do... you... quest?¡± Loop¡¯s voice was barely a whisper, as if the words themselves weighed him down. He lay face-first on the ground, armor scuffed and glitching, his body still twitching sporadically. Sam groaned. ¡°Oh shit, Loop¡¯s still alive?¡± He nudged the tank with his boot. ¡°Uh, hey, Loop? You still with us, buddy?¡± Loop¡¯s head lifted slightly, his eyes half-closed as he repeated his line. ¡°...you¡­ you¡­. quest?¡± Before anyone could respond, a shrill voice cut through the air like nails on a chalkboard. ¡°Oh, for heaven¡¯s sake, would you guys hurry it up? This is taking forever!¡± Karen stomped into view, hands on her hips, eyes narrowed in her usual look of disapproval. ¡°I swear, men are useless. What¡¯s the point of having a tank if he¡¯s just going to lie there like a sack of potatoes?¡± Sam rolled his eyes. ¡°Great, just what we needed¡ªKaren.¡± ¡°Oh, don¡¯t get all huffy with me,¡± she snapped, folding her arms. ¡°Maybe if you did your job right, Loop wouldn¡¯t be lying here, looking like a steamrolled can of spam.¡± Loop mumbled again, almost inaudibly. ¡°Do... you... quest?¡± ¡°Yeah, Loop,¡± Sam replied dryly. ¡°That¡¯s what we¡¯re here for¡ªgood ol¡¯ questing.¡± Karen scoffed. ¡°Oh, please. We¡¯re not here for ¡®questing.¡¯ We¡¯re here to survive. And apparently, I¡¯m the only one competent enough to remember that.¡± Sam leaned down, attempting to lift Loop¡¯s arm over his shoulder. ¡°You know, Karen, you could help instead of standing there bitching about it.¡± She made a face like he¡¯d just suggested she kiss a Trorc. ¡°Me? Touch all that sweaty, glitchy metal? Do I look like I want to smell like rust and regret?¡± Trinket snickered, nudging Sam as she moved in to help. ¡°Come on, Karen. Think of it as... team bonding.¡± Karen scoffed louder. ¡°Please, I¡¯m here to keep you guys from screwing up. If I did ¡®team bonding,¡¯ none of you would be around long enough to appreciate it.¡± Together, Sam and Trinket managed to hoist Loop¡¯s glitch-twitching body to a standing position. He swayed unsteadily, his eyes still half-glazed. ¡°Do¡­ you... quest?¡± he repeated, his tone sounding more tragic with each iteration. Karen threw her hands up. ¡°Will someone please shut him up? We get it, Loop. You want to quest. Well, guess what? You¡¯ve done enough for today.¡± They all stopped and looked at Karen, who for once, was not being¡­ well¡­ a Karen. As they began the trek back to the Drunken Misfit, Karen trailed behind them, her voice carrying over their heads. ¡°If you¡¯d all just listened to me, we wouldn¡¯t be dragging his glitchy ass across the entire field. But no, you had to play hero.¡± Sam gritted his teeth, fighting the urge to drop Loop and leave Karen to her tirade. ¡°Karen, we¡¯re trying to get back to the Misfit. Either pitch in or go complain to someone else. Either way, stop being a super cunt.¡± ¡°Oh, look at you, acting like you¡¯re all in charge. Just because you leveled up doesn¡¯t mean you¡¯re the king of this circus.¡± Glitch couldn¡¯t hold back his laughter. ¡°She¡¯s got a point, Sam. Maybe we should just leave him here for Karen to deal with?¡± Karen¡¯s eyes narrowed, her expression more menacing than a Trorc ready to attack. ¡°If you drop him now, I¡¯ll make sure you regret it.¡± Sam rolled his eyes, the weight of Loop nearly buckling his knees. ¡°Oh, yeah? How¡¯s that?¡± She stepped closer, an icy glare fixed on Sam. ¡°You know that little stash of ¡®special¡¯ healing potions I keep under the bar at the Misfit?¡± Sam¡¯s eyes widened. ¡°Wait, the ones that actually work? You¡¯d cut us off?¡± Her smirk was pure evil. ¡°You bet your sorry ass I would.¡± Glitch seized the opening with a gleeful cackle. ¡°Oh-ho! Did someone say ¡®ass?¡¯ Sam, this is practically your mating call! Tell me, does this mean Karen¡¯s acknowledging your ¡®Ass-Ass-In¡¯ legacy?¡± He snickered. ¡°Face it, you¡¯re just one ¡®sorry ass¡¯ away from true love at this point.¡± Sam looked down at his pouch and shot him a murderous look. ¡°One more word, Glitch¡­..¡± ¡°Oh, please. You¡¯d be nothing without me,¡± Glitch sneered. ¡°Who else is going to keep track of every ass-related skill in that freakshow stat screen of yours?¡± Trinket, laughing despite the weight of Loop between them, whispered, ¡°He¡¯s not wrong, Sam. And Karen¡¯s not joking, you know. I¡¯ve seen her pull rank for less.¡± With a groan, Sam adjusted his grip on Loop and nodded. ¡°Fine. But if he glitches out again, Karen, you¡¯re taking over.¡± Karen flashed him a condescending smile. ¡°If that happens, I¡¯ll have to show you all how a real leader handles things. Someone¡¯s got to keep this team together.¡± ¡°Yeah, because nagging us half to death is such a great leadership strategy,¡± Sam muttered under his breath. Karen continued her rant, either ignoring Sam¡¯s sarcasm or oblivious to it. ¡°I don¡¯t know why I have to be the responsible one, really. All I wanted was a peaceful life, maybe a vacation somewhere nice, but no. Instead, I¡¯m dragging glitch-ridden, unwashed tanks back to the Misfit.¡± Loop¡¯s body twitched as he stumbled forward, the weight of him nearly crushing Sam and Trinket. He murmured again in that monotone, ¡°.....quest¡­?¡± Karen groaned, dramatically rolling her eyes. ¡°For the last time, yes, we¡¯re questing, Loop! Now, can we get moving, or would you like a monologue from your inner thoughts too?¡± After what felt like forever, Sam and Trinket dragged a twitching Loop into the Drunken Misfit, practically dropping him into a chair. Across the room, Eli, S, and Lance were already propped at the bar with full drinks and grins, looking like they owned the place. ¡°Are you kidding me?¡± Trinket snapped, glaring daggers at the trio. ¡°We¡¯re hauling Loop¡¯s broken ass across town, and you¡¯re just¡­ sitting here?¡± Eli lifted his glass with a grin. ¡°Quality control, babe. We¡¯re doing you a favor. Bar¡¯s questionable at best.¡± Karen shot back, her eyes blazing. ¡°We¡¯re practically dead, and you three are ¡®testing¡¯ drinks?¡± Lance took a refined sip. ¡°Practicality is key, darling. Besides, you seem more than capable of handling heavy lifting.¡± Glitch snickered from Sam¡¯s belt pouch. ¡°Oh, this is rich. Sam, sweetheart, brace yourself¡ªthese guys could drive a saint to drink.¡± Sam groaned, slumping into a chair as Karen snapped her fingers at the barkeep. ¡°Strongest drink you¡¯ve got. And this place is a goddamn mess¡ªclean it up before I lose my mind.¡± The barkeep, entirely unbothered, poured her something that looked (and smelled) like sludge. S raised his glass at Sam with a lazy grin. ¡°Looks like you got the honor of initiation. Cheers to team bonding.¡± ¡°Bonding?¡± Karen scoffed, downing her drink. ¡°Bonding with this bunch means surviving a day without strangling someone.¡± Loop lifted his head, his voice barely a murmur. ¡°Do¡­ you¡­ quest?¡± Sam buried his face in his hands. ¡°Not now, Loop. Just... not now.¡±