《Petrichor: Act Two》


 Grace I: Prelude, Op. 28, No. 4

    Friday Night


    All eyes are on Grace Ciotta.


    Me.


    How could they not? My presence demands to be seen when I enter my friend¡¯s house party. Everyone gets their share of greetings as I traverse through each and every single one of them. I overheard someone say that the real party had just begun now that I arrived. It¡¯s nothing new.


    After all, I am the Queen of Mickle Ray High School. In Darkwood, Washington, and all the surrounding remote mountain towns, I am the most popular girl around. My name is even known in the big city. I am beautiful.


    But I am not looking at beauty. I¡¯m looking at the nightlife of Darkwood, Washington, a house party not any different than yesterday¡¯s. It¡¯s Friday night before the last week of school and everyone is looking to blow off steam from finals. Everyone¡¯s here to get drunk, or smoke some weed, or pop a pill, do some shrooms, trip on acid, or most commonly, do some lines. Maybe even fuck. Nobody tries to hide it. It¡¯s all out in the open. This is how it is. This is how it¡¯s always been. This is what sets apart from every other town or city.


    In the living room, a bunch of kids are standing around each other watching the game of beer pong. By their side is a group of guys talking about their plans for a ¡®legendary¡¯ summer. They''re doing coke on a table. Two girls are around a guy I don¡¯t know playing on the piano. In the kitchen, a few girls are experimenting with making cocktail drinks. I try out a few but like none. Outside in the backyard, a group of ten kids are huddled around a pit fire, telling each other ghost stories. Those not involved are smoking around. In the basement, three boys are watching a movie while they trip on mushrooms. Everyone is leaving them alone so they enjoy the experience. A girl talks to me about what she purchased in a store I recommended to her. Her pupils are dilated to the point where her eyes are nearly all black. A guy tries to invite me to a restaurant he discovered a couple weeks back, just the two of us. A girl wants to take a selfie with me and asks me to tag her when I post it. Another girl pulls her boyfriend away because he¡¯s paying more attention to me than he is to her. I see their intent. It''s desire, lust, envy, or nervousness. They all want something out of me.


    But I do need breaks and find myself in the host, Maddie¡¯s, bedroom with only our closest friends. It¡¯s only six of us here and the only ones who I can truly call a friend in school.


    I¡¯m busy rolling a blunt on the bed while Tina, Liz, and Maddie sit around me and continue to gossip about things I¡¯m not involved in. It¡¯s idle chatter about some girl they don¡¯t like and how she doesn¡¯t deserve to get accepted into the university that she did. Half the time I don¡¯t know what they¡¯re talking about. They speak in a way that I¡¯m incapable of.


    Tina Leal keeps to herself and follows the flow most of the time. She doesn¡¯t like to stick out but doesn¡¯t mind that she never can because she¡¯s friends with me.


    Lisa Olmos relishes in popularity. Her voice is the loudest out of the trio. Although it can get it over her head, she doesn¡¯t let it consume her.


    Madison Myart is the second hottest girl in school. Her parents are never home and she throws parties all the time for kids she doesn¡¯t know or like, because she thinks she should.


    Kids from Issaquah, Preston, Tanner, Riverpoint, Harrow and Feltham. They all come to Darkwood because our parties are unmatched. There is never a dull moment. There is always someone new to meet.


    But lately I¡¯ve been growing tired of never being left alone.


    Marcus beats Zac in a match of a fighting game and has been the source of most of my attention. I hand over the blunt I just finished to Marcus in between the intermission of their rematch.


    ¡°A work of art, like always, Gracie,¡± he says in complete disbelief on how tightly and smooth I rolled it. ¡°I don¡¯t know how you do it.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t do anything special,¡± I reply.


    Marcus lights it up and takes a drag, ¡°For a girl who doesn¡¯t smoke, it shouldn¡¯t be this good.¡±


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you?¡± Zac joins us.


    ¡°I don¡¯t like the high.¡±


    ¡°You haven¡¯t smoked in what, like, a year now?¡± Tina asks.


    ¡°Year and a half.¡±


    Zac is given the blunt and smokes it. ¡°Why don¡¯t you like it?¡±


    ¡°It makes me anxious.¡±


    ¡°You probably just haven¡¯t smoked the right strain. This shit here is gas.¡±


    ¡°The strain doesn¡¯t matter, Zac,¡± I tell him sternly. ¡°I know what I like.¡±


    ¡°Grace is too cool to smoke,¡± Liz laughs.


    ¡°Have you tried Xanax?¡± Marcus asks.


    ¡°I¡¯m a whore for a Xanny,¡± Maddie giggles, taking the weed from Zac.


    ¡°You¡¯re a whore for everything,¡± I joke.


    ¡°Am not?¡±


    ¡°Insta likes, money, Wendy¡¯s fries, Nutella, Drake, Nicki Minaj, drama, waking up before your alarm, Oxys, a good finger-¡±


    ¡°Alright, alright,¡± Maddie interrupts me, laughing, ¡°Point made.¡±


    Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.


    I¡¯m different from the rest of the kids in my town. I don¡¯t get fucked up like everyone else. I¡¯m respected because I don¡¯t. It¡¯s this ideal symbol everyone has placed on me.


    ¡°Oh my god, Grace, guess who I saw today? Like, freaky alert,¡± Liz places her hand over Maddie¡¯s mouth to shut her up.


    ¡°What¡¯s freaky?¡±


    ¡°That weirdo, Frank. Thank god he didn¡¯t see me. Although it would have been cool to use my pepper spray.¡±


    ¡°Whatever happened to him,¡± Marcus asks, returning with Zac to continue playing their game.


    ¡°He moved away last year,¡± I remind everyone.


    ¡°Good thing too, I seriously thought he was going to shoot up the school one day,¡± Liz says.


    ¡°Liz, you never talked to him so you can¡¯t say shit like that¡± I sigh.


    ¡°Well he looks like the type, right?¡±


    Tina laughs, ¡°I bet Grace only tried to be friends with him so she could be spared when he did.¡±


    I pout and roll my eyes, ¡°You guys are mean. It¡¯s honestly pretty feta of you, Liz.¡±


    Liz jerks back on my disapproval of her. Tina laughs at this and Maddie¡¯s too high to notice.


    Sometime later, I find myself in the basement that serves as a home theater. Maddie¡¯s parents have a dedicated sound system and a TV with LED lights in the back that are in sync with the screen. It¡¯s the perfect place to watch movies on a psychedelic trip and a place that¡¯s quiet.


    As I watch the movie sober, the man I least expected to come walks down the stairs. Alex Elledge, my crush since Sophomore year.


    I get up from the couch and greet him. ¡°I didn¡¯t think you would show.¡±


    ¡°I just dropped something off for Edgar, I¡¯m not staying long,¡± he says in his smooth and intoxicating voice.


    There¡¯s a red cup in his hands. I take it from him and drink it without asking, the Grace special. ¡°Stopping by to say hi?¡±


    ¡°Something like that.¡±


    ¡°My birthday is next week. It¡¯s mandatory for you to come to that one,¡± I say in my best sultry voice.


    ¡°Is it now? Didn''t the cops show up last year?¡±


    ¡°Like it mattered, they didn¡¯t care. I was only grounded.¡±


    ¡°For a month,¡± Tina says, coming down from the stairs. ¡°Grace, we should have it on the abandoned house at the edge of town. Everyone¡¯s coming, it won¡¯t be able to be ignored.¡±


    Tina¡¯s right.


    My 17th birthday party was already the biggest one of the year. I was lucky enough to be in the only town where the adults don¡¯t care what we do and didn¡¯t get in that much trouble. That was the party that cemented my status as Queen, and this year, it¡¯s bound to get out of control. Not only is it my birthday, but we¡¯ll all get our diplomas on the same day.


    ¡°Why there?¡±


    ¡°That house is the only place where it¡¯s going to be low key.¡±


    ¡°Mute,¡± I correct her.


    ¡°Right, mute.¡±


    Alex looks at me, concerned. I know what he¡¯s thinking and doesn¡¯t have to say it. The abandoned house is the worst place for me to be at. He knows what it means to me.


    I¡¯m not shy of the sick twist of fate that I place on myself. I wanted this. I want this popularity. I worked hard to get it.


    I just never thought I would replace Her.


    That abandoned house is where everything ended and began.


    ¡°What a fitting place for the incarnation Elizabeth,¡± Alex cheekily says.


    I roll my eyes. ¡°You forgot the perfect.¡±


    It sours my mood and I leave the house soon after. I don¡¯t have anywhere else to be but I don¡¯t want to go home. Seattle¡¯s the only option. I¡¯m sure I can find something to do if I go there. It¡¯s an hour drive there and I make sure I have everything in my bag for the trip.


    I¡¯ll probably won¡¯t be home until 4 or 5 am, just as long as I make it back before my mom comes home from work. There¡¯s an emergency student council meeting at 7 and I have to babysit at 12 after. That Saturday night, I have to be back in the city by 10. I¡¯m not going to get any sleep tonight.


    While searching around my bag, I pop a pill of Adderall to keep me going for the night. I¡¯ll have to buy more tomorrow as I¡¯m running out.


    Come to think of it, I''m probably not going to get any sleep until Sunday night. I made plans with Maddie and with some other girls after. Let¡¯s not talk about the final week of school. There¡¯s going to be a party every night for the last week of school and it¡¯ll end with mine.


    The cops don¡¯t care. The teachers don¡¯t care. Our parents don¡¯t care. They don¡¯t because they¡¯re all doing the same thing, escaping from their own miserable lives.


    It¡¯s exhaustion.


    Of the world. Of the misery.


    Of not having control.


    That¡¯s the real curse of this town. The waters are so murky that it¡¯s impossible to escape. And when someone is able to stand without being sunk, everyone clings onto them thinking they¡¯ll be saved. All those hands holding on only weigh the body down.


    I used to dream about going to parties just like these.


    I used to find them so cool and eventful. Everyone shows up to have fun. It¡¯s the wild west here, there isn¡¯t anything that couldn¡¯t happen. It¡¯s socializing and getting in with the right people. It¡¯s forgetting the outside world. It¡¯s indulging and looking cool.


    It¡¯s staying up until 3 am and having class at 7 am, just to do it again somewhere else.


    It¡¯s glorified. We want it to be. It makes us feel important. It¡¯s our normal.


    To outsiders, it¡¯s sad and depressing. It shouldn¡¯t be like this. It¡¯s quite possibly one of the most heartbreaking things to witness. There¡¯s nothing to be proud of about what we do. We¡¯re ruining our lives.


    We¡¯re just kids.


    But it¡¯s not just this town. There¡¯s plenty of places like this. We¡¯re not anything special. We¡¯re just a product of a system that failed us. It failed me.


    That¡¯s just how it is in Darkwood. There¡¯s nothing to do here so the only thing to do is getting fucked up. I think all of us see how the world is so fucked and there isn¡¯t anything we can do about it. It doesn¡¯t matter how much we yell, fight or try, nothing ever changes. It doesn¡¯t matter how many politicians are outed to be corrupt, how many school shootings happen, how many more police brutality needs to happen until enough is enough. It doesn¡¯t matter how many protests are marched or fought for. Nothing changes.


    We¡¯ve become nihilistic and cynical teenagers tired of it all.


    I¡¯m a gem amongst all the dirt.


    But a rock is still a rock regardless of what it¡¯s made of.


    I stare at the two-inch ziplock plastic bag I grab out of the secret department of my handbag. I open the small plastic bag and pick up a tiny metal spoon from the console. I scoop the spoon inside and place it in front of my nose.


    I¡¯m not the light in the darkness everyone looks up to. I¡¯m not the innocent and pure angel everyone sees me as. All I¡¯ve done was put on the shoes of my predecessor.


    Elizabeth Wilson.


    The Golden Queen of Darkwood.


    The shining beacon in the cursed and corrupting town.


    But Elizabeth died four years ago.


    She killed herself in front of me.


    The cocaine shoots through my nostril and electrifies the back of my throat. I relax my back on the seat and take a deep breath. My butt almost lifts itself up and I push my chest outwards. Then my knees lock and my spine digs into the seat. I smile as my vision narrows and focuses on the steering wheel in front of me. I¡¯m far from what everyone expects me to be, but I¡¯m okay with that. No one has to know.

 II: Anthems For a Seventeen Year-Old Girl

    Saturday Morning


    My phone rings from inside my gym bag right as I push on the doors to leave the rec center. I feel around it to search for the phone while I walk towards my car. It¡¯s stuck under my lifting belt. I pull it out and answer it, not giving mind that one of my lifting straps and headphones come flying out. Because I don¡¯t, I don''t realize that the headphones land in front of me and I accidentally step on them, breaking them.


    ¡°I got you tickets for my show,¡± Cody says over the phone.


    ¡°Does that warrant a phone call?¡± I try to hide my frustration with my broken headphones.¡±


    ¡°Damn, I didn¡¯t know you don¡¯t have time for me anymore,¡± Cody laughs.


    ¡°Sorry, I didn¡¯t mean it like that. You make it like I wouldn¡¯t come regardless. It¡¯s going to be nice to see you again.¡±


    ¡°Time flew by, what¡¯s another few weeks?¡±


    Cody¡¯s been my friend since I was a freshman, a few months after I moved to Darkwood. I had the biggest crush on him even though he was a Senior at the time. Those feelings are quenched by now and he¡¯s one of my best friends. I¡¯ve been with him since day one of him launching his music career. He''s coming back home soon and that''s one thing to look forward too. The few months without him around haven''t quite felt the same. More recently, these past few weeks have been off.


    Back home, I take off my clothes when I shut the door to my room and immediately head to the shower. I turn the knob to make the water as hot as possible. Scorching hot has been becoming the norm lately. The burn is a reminder that I¡¯m still alive and that my skin hasn¡¯t gone numb.


    I¡¯m still very sleep deprived but I¡¯m used to it. Having weird thoughts like that aren¡¯t too unusual.


    Amongst the steam, the smell of smoke and iron begins to overpower my nose. The boiling water becomes lukewarm and the pressure eases to feel like it¡¯s rainfall. All of a sudden, it¡¯s night time and I can barely see what¡¯s in front of me. Behind me far in the distance, a name is being called for.


    Elizabeth¡¯s name.


    She¡¯s down on the floor in front of me, lifeless.


    I¡¯m brought back to reality and I immediately turn off the shower. I haven¡¯t had a flash of that night in over a year. I moved on so it doesn¡¯t bother me as much. I¡¯m just a bit delirious from the lack of sleep.


    I ignore the slight pull towards nothing that just tugged.


    My bathroom is covered in steam by the time I exit the shower. I only bother to dry my hair with a towel and don¡¯t touch my body. The dripping water from my skin forms a small pond on the tile floor. I¡¯m glad there¡¯s too much condensation on the mirror.


    I dry my hands and post on Instagram the photo I took of myself at the gym earlier. A full body photo that I used a tripod to take. My legs are finally starting to grow in size and I want to show them off.


    Within a minute, no, seconds, my notifications are flooded with likes and comments. They¡¯re all strangers. Emojis from both genders, meaningless praise too. I find the comments from creeps the most amusing. It never gets old blocking them.


    I always get DM¡¯s soon after I post anything, but rarely from a company and not some dude trying to hit on me. It¡¯s from a company. They¡¯re offering a sponsorship. They like my posts and want to help me grow my reach if I begin to promote their brand.


    37676 followers.


    That¡¯s how many I have. Not massive by any means, but abnormal for any regular person to have. I hate the word but by definition I¡¯m an influencer even if I don¡¯t try to be.


    The sponsorship is from a massive business and one that I actually buy from this time. I have no qualms in promoting something I already use.


    But I don¡¯t care about any of that.


    I¡¯m not a sell out and I don¡¯t want to be an influencer. I just want to be me. If people like that, so be it, I couldn¡¯t care less.


    I deny the company.


    My body has dried itself and the condensation on the mirror has cleared. I accidentally take a peak at myself but quickly look away. I drop the towel on my hair and soak up the pool of water I left.


    Once I get ready, I head downstairs where my foster sister, Sara, stops me from heading out.


    ¡°Mom managed to get the day off for your birthday. I hope you didn¡¯t have plans.¡±


    ¡°When don¡¯t I have plans?¡± I say halfway out the door.


    ¡°It¡¯s the big 18, Grace. She wants to celebrate.¡±


    ¡°And we¡¯ll celebrate. I¡¯ll figure something out.¡±


    I wish it was that simple. I was banking on my mom being stuck at work again to have my party. Now I have to pick and choose. I could always postpone my party but that night is all everyone is looking forward to. I¡¯m sure I can figure out how to do both, it shouldn¡¯t be a problem.


    Honestly, I prefer not to have a party in the first place. Now that school is almost over, I¡¯ve been beginning to think about how much energy I give out to everyone. I¡¯m always doing something with someone. I make time to be everyone¡¯s friend. I haven¡¯t had a week where I¡¯ve slept longer than 6 hours every night in months.


    Stolen novel; please report.


    My knees almost stumble from a strong gust of wind that hits me. Luckily, the house where I babysit on Saturdays isn¡¯t a far walk from home. Halfway there, it begins to drizzle from rain. I¡¯ve been waiting for it for weeks now.


    I love the rain. I love waking up to it. I love how cozy it makes my room and bed feel with how chill it makes them. It¡¯s like an invisible blanket is tucked over me. I love hearing the droplets crash against the roof. I love walking in it. I love the thick fog that envelops the streets sometimes. It makes the small and remote mountainous town I live in seem even more hidden.


    It makes the world seem quiet and calm. It slows it down in that sense.


    But what I love the most is the smell that it brings. The earthy scent is always strongest when it hasn¡¯t rained for a while. It¡¯s been years since it¡¯s been this strong. When it smells like this, it¡¯s sweet and fresh. It¡¯s like taking a bite out of wood and stone. If green could have a taste, this is what it would be. It¡¯s like the air is being covered with an ethereal breath seeping out of the ground.


    Petrichor, it¡¯s called.


    It¡¯s the fragrance of Mother Earth.


    My thoughts are clearest when it rains.


    Why do I even care so much to meet everyone¡¯s expectations? Why do I pretend that I¡¯m a cut above the rest?


    I know it¡¯s me and who I am. I¡¯m popular. I¡¯m pretty. I¡¯m perfect. Everyone loves how I style my clothes. They all love how outgoing I am and that I¡¯m equally kind to everyone. They only see confidence and a leader behind it. When I talk, people listen. They follow. Girls want to be me, they want the attention I receive. They¡¯re friends with me only for the popularity I bring them. Guys want to be with me, they see me as a trophy and rarely anything less. Everyone has ulterior motives from me.


    I see through them.


    There¡¯s only a few genuine friends of mine who aren¡¯t like that.


    It¡¯s tiring.


    Elizabeth felt the same way. I can understand her a bit more because of how similar I turned out to be. She was tired of the pressure. It began to overwhelm her. It¡¯s easy to crack under the pressure. It¡¯s easy for it to become too overwhelming. It¡¯s easy to get lost while trying to escape from it.


    There¡¯s an urban legend that this town is cursed. They say it corrupts everyone. Corruption means different things for different people. Most agree it means becoming recreational drug addicts. A few others see it as becoming the worst version of yourself. I see the latter.


    Elizabeth was seen as the only person whom this cursed town could not corrupt. She was an inspiration, someone to look up to. Someone who was above the degeneracy. A girl shining through the darkness. Everyone loved her. Everyone turned out to be wrong. Elizabeth had her secrets and died with them.


    Now everyone sees her light in me.


    The thing about the shadows of the past is that I can learn from them.


    There¡¯s a difference between me and Elizabeth. She pretended. She was made out of pyrite, and it cracked. Elizabeth was never the girl she fooled everyone she was.


    I¡¯m who she wished to be.


    #


    ¡°Jeez, Grace, don¡¯t you have an umbrella?¡± Aylin asks once she opens her front door.


    ¡°It¡¯s not raining too bad just yet,¡± I say, entering dry land.


    ¡°You can borrow one of mine when you head home tonight,¡± Aylin sighs, ¡°It¡¯s only going to get worse.¡±


    ¡°Sorry I came so late.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s fine, you never are,¡± Aylin goes over to the kitchen and digs around her purse.


    Her daughter, Helen, is on the kitchen table watching a video on her phone. She notices her mom pulling out some money and slaps it away. ¡°If that¡¯s money for pizza, don¡¯t give it to her.¡±


    Aylin tilts her head, perplexed. ¡°Relax, it¡¯s her pay for the month.¡±


    I place the $300 dollars I¡¯m given in my handbag and drop that off on the kitchen counter. ¡°You haven¡¯t complained before. I can order something else if you¡¯re tired of pizza.¡±


    ¡°No, I want you to cook for me, like last week.¡±


    I almost laugh. ¡°You''d rather have my cooking?¡±


    Aylin does laugh. ¡°What did you make her?¡±


    ¡°Nothing special.¡±


    At least I think. It was just a chicken and bean burrito, nothing fancy. It¡¯s quick and simple to make but I didn¡¯t think Helen would like it so much.


    ¡°I¡¯ll start making lunch before I leave from now on, sweetie.¡±


    ¡°No, I want Gracie to do it.¡±


    ¡°Ouch,¡± Aylin rolls her eyes. ¡°Your birthday¡¯s next Sunday, right? I can free you that Saturday if you want to celebrate.¡±


    Helen drops her phone and stares at her mom offended. ¡°No! Me and Grace are going to explore the forest!¡±


    I look at the little girl and giggle then back to her mom. ¡°It¡¯ll alright, Aylin. Babysitting little Helen won¡¯t get in the way of any of my plans.¡±


    ¡°Then I¡¯ll make sure to have a birthday present ready if that¡¯s the case.¡±


    I shake my head, ¡°Give it to this one instead,¡± I poke Helen¡¯s forehead, she grins. ¡°Thank you for the thought though.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s not for you to decide,¡± Aylin giggles, grabbing her car keys off the table. ¡°Well I gotta head out now. Don¡¯t drive Gracie too crazy, sweetie. See you guys tonight.¡±


    After her mom leaves, Helen picks up the phone she received for her 9th birthday a few months ago. She used to be a little ball of unlimited energy before she had one. All her attention span goes into Youtube videos now.


    It¡¯s been three years since I started babysitting her and I haven¡¯t missed a Saturday yet. I¡¯m Aylin¡¯s only consistent option since her brother moved out of state. I¡¯d do it for free if she would let me but Aylin insists on paying me. I don¡¯t see it as any work because of how easily I get along with her and Helen. The similarity with our names brings a sort of kinship.


    Graceful Aylin Farrigan is her full name.


    ¡°What do you want to do today?¡± I ask Helen.


    ¡°It¡¯s raining, what is there to do?¡± Helen¡¯s gaze doesn¡¯t break away from her phone.


    ¡°We can have a movie marathon.¡±


    ¡°Movies are boring,¡± she sighs. ¡°Besides, I¡¯m not in the mood.¡±


    ¡°Something wrong?¡± I ask, taking a seat on a chair.


    Helen looks up from her phone, biting her lips. ¡°There¡¯s this one girl at school who¡¯s getting on my nerves. She¡¯s telling everyone to stop being my friend cause I¡¯m ugly.¡±


    ¡°Why is she doing that? Have you told her to stop?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I have but she only does it cause she found out we like the same boy.¡±


    ¡°A bit early to start worrying about boys, no?¡±


    ¡°It was going to happen someday.¡±


    I rest my chin on my palm, ¡°Anything I could do to help you with this girl?¡±


    Helen shakes her head, ¡°It¡¯s okay cause nobody believes her. She¡¯s just being annoying. She thinks she¡¯s so cool ''cause her parents told her she¡¯s going to grow up faster than all of us.¡±


    ¡°Just as long as you never believe it. There¡¯s going to be a lot more girls trying to bring you down as you get older.¡±


    I wish I had someone to tell me that when I was her age. At least I¡¯m around to be someone Helen can look up to.


    We don¡¯t do much for the rest of the day. Helen spends it all with her videos while I spend mine constantly messaging and replying to people.


    The actual planning of my birthday party begins. I somehow managed to dodge out of planning it myself. Everyone does it for me and barely bothers to ask for my input. It¡¯s just what I believed. It¡¯s not happening for me, but rather, I¡¯m just the excuse.


    If that¡¯s the case, why would I have one if I already have everything I wanted?


    There¡¯s nothing left to prove.

 III: Deliverance

    Friday Evening


    In the middle of my Freshman year, my mom offered Sara to come live with us. She allowed Sara¡¯s twin brother to live with us too right before the start of their senior year. Andrew left the day he graduated while Sara stuck around for a year before leaving for university.


    Sara Mera¡¯s the closest I¡¯ve gotten to ever having a sibling. My mother took her in when Sara¡¯s was at her lowest and helped her be able to stand on her own feet. Sara still struggles with clinical depression, but because of my mom, she¡¯s much better now. I don¡¯t know anyone stronger than my foster sister.


    And now she¡¯s back home for the summer.


    Sara¡¯s practicing on her acoustic guitar when I sit on her bed. A gift from my mom and a hobby that soothes Sara¡¯s soul. She¡¯s gotten considerably more proficient at it since I last heard her play.


    What she plays always reflects her mood. Today is somber. Sara misses her girlfriend. Sara finishes the quiet song and begins to put the instrument in its case.


    ¡°Are you going to play Freyja some big romantic song when you see her?¡±


    ¡°Maybe,¡± Sara giggles. ¡°Should I? I should definitely be romantic. Agh, but that¡¯ll be so cheesy and gay.¡±


    ¡°But you are gay.¡±


    ¡°You know what I mean,¡± Sara laughs. ¡°I¡¯m not really good at that stuff.¡±


    ¡°You don¡¯t have to be. It¡¯s the thought that counts.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, you¡¯re right,¡± Sara puts away the case in her closet and then sits next to me. ¡°Never thought you would give me good advice.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not a kid anymore, Sara.¡±


    ¡°No. No, you¡¯re not,¡± she smiles. ¡°Where are you going tonight that has you all dressed up?¡±


    I look down at my outfit Sara¡¯s pointing at. It sticks out from what I usually wear. I don¡¯t think Sara has ever seen me wear a jersey and cargo pants before. ¡°The concert?¡± I point to the artist¡¯s name printed on the shirt.


    ¡°With who? Is it a date?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s Yuele and no. We don¡¯t see each other that way,¡± I answer annoyingly. We had this conversation before.


    ¡°And no invite?¡±


    ¡°University is supposed to make you smarter, not dumber. I invited you this morning. You said no.¡±


    ¡°Oh. Oops,¡± Sara takes another look. ¡°Wait, isn¡¯t there some big party going on tonight? Aren¡¯t you going?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not going.¡±


    ¡°Oh, that¡¯s good. You really are just like Elizabeth. I don¡¯t ever have to worry about you.¡±


    ¡°You too, huh?¡±


    ¡°That wasn¡¯t an insult,¡± Sara raises an eyebrow at me, eyeing my outfit, ¡°but weird of you to get ready so early.¡±


    ¡°I was going to hang out with Yuele before the show. Something came up and he¡¯s unavailable for a bit. I got ready for nothing. So now I have time to kill.¡±


    ¡°Perfect, we¡¯re watching a movie then. A comedy this time, I promise,¡± Sara assures me that I don¡¯t have to see some heavy drama with her.


    Mom used movies to get Sara to open up to us. It quickly became Sara¡¯s passion and now goes to school to study film. I used to watch movies with my mom and Sara until the only thing they would watch were heavy oscar nominated dramas. I can only watch so many in a row before it burns me out.


    The only TV in the house is in the living room. I let Sara go downstairs first while I¡¯m in my room and get everything ready for the night. Out of all the movies I think she¡¯ll put on, Ted 2 wasn¡¯t on the list. We watched the first one before she moved out and I remember she didn¡¯t find it that funny.


    The comedy is Sara¡¯s style but despite it, she laughs more than I expect. Some of her laughter gets loud enough to make me think about the time her twin brother lived with us. Our house was always loud when he was around. I sort of miss Andrew.


    ¡°There¡¯s more Family Guy in this one,¡± Sara comments towards the second half of the


    e movie.


    ¡°Well, they¡¯re made by the same guy.¡±


    Sara adjusts herself deeper into the couch towards me. ¡°Yeah, no, I know that. I¡¯m just saying. Seth has a weird obsession with making references only a few people would recognize. He¡¯s making much more here and I already caught him reusing some of Family Guy¡¯s stuff.¡±


    ¡°Like what?¡±


    ¡°The scene and song that was just playing. It¡¯s a homage to Plain Trains and Automobiles. I¡¯m pretty sure he did the same thing in one of the Star Wars episodes. He also doesn¡¯t know how to make aerial transition shots without a jazz musical number.¡±


    ¡°Doesn¡¯t he just like music from the 30¡¯s? He makes pretty good jazz.¡±


    Sara has a rule to not speak during any film we watch so we can be fully immersed in it. Because Sara is the one who broke it first, it gives me free rein to share my thoughts without her getting annoyed.


    ¡°Who just has a weed farm in the middle of nowhere?¡± I comment on the current scene. ¡°And how is their car not ruined?¡±


    Sara ignores me but moves closer to me and rests her head on my shoulder. We¡¯re not related and only known each other for four years, but she¡¯s not anything less than my big sister. She was a friend first then a roommate. A sister is something I never had, but she now fulfills that role.


    ¡°God, Amanda Seyfried is so pretty,¡± Sara sighs once the actress starts playing the guitar.


    ¡°It¡¯ll be real funny if this is the song you play for Freyja. She doesn¡¯t watch these types of movies right, I bet she won¡¯t notice.¡±


    ¡°No, she won¡¯t,¡± Sara giggles. ¡°I wonder what¡¯s the original from?¡±


    Another rule is no phones. Sara breaks it again while searching for the song. I guess it¡¯s okay to not be fully invested. The movie isn¡¯t some masterpiece that demands undivided attention.


    ¡°Holy shit, Seth made it just for the movie. I didn¡¯t know he was built like that.¡±


    ¡°I told you he makes jazz.¡±


    ¡°And how do you know that?¡±


    ¡°I saw him live like two months ago.¡±


    ¡°Shut up, no you didn¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t plan to, it kind of just happened. I wasn¡¯t exactly paying attention to who was going to perform.¡±


    ¡°What were doing at a jazz concert?¡±


    ¡°Maybe I just like jazz.¡±


    ¡°Do you?¡±


    ¡°Maybe,¡± I shrug with a small smirk.


    Sara looks at me a bit bewildered. Out of everything she knows about me, I bet she wasn¡¯t expecting to learn this. I¡¯m not even sure if I do like jazz or not. I think I¡¯ve just gotten used to hearing it all the time from where I¡¯m at most Saturdays nights.


    ¡°Didn¡¯t you say you wanted to go to a Comic Con one day?¡± Sara speaks again during the climax of the movie. ¡°Isn¡¯t there one in Seattle? We should go.¡±


    ¡°It already passed.¡±


    ¡°Oh, when was it?¡±


    ¡°April.¡±


    ¡°Did you go?¡±


    I shake my head, ¡°I didn¡¯t really have anyone to go with.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯ll go next year then. I can take a few days off, I don¡¯t mind.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re not just saying that as just an idea, right? Like you bringing it up just to forget about it when it¡¯s time to make plans?¡±


    Sara laughs. ¡°What are you talking about? I mean it. I know how much you always wanted to go.¡±


    Mom agreed to take me four years ago but that was before Sara began to live with us. Money has always been tight, but with Sara around, my mom could no longer afford to take me. Mom lost any free time she did have just to make ends meet.


    I gave up the idea of ever going after that.


    I leave the house once the movie¡¯s over.


    When I don¡¯t have access to my mom¡¯s car, I have a backup plan. Andrew always borrowed the car across the street back when they used to live in their house. Their neighbor is never home and keeps an old Toyota parked in the driveway. Andrew used it as his own. He mentioned it once in passing that the key is magnetically kept under the frame above the tire.


    This is how I get around now.


    Remembering that small detail enabled me to start using it last summer. The car always sounds like it¡¯s on the verge of breaking down but I make sure to maintain it so it never does. It¡¯s the only way I could go to Seattle whenever I want.


    Tonight is one of those nights.


    The final day of school is over and I couldn¡¯t be more relieved. I¡¯ve been feeling disconnected from everyone the entire week. Usually I would look forward to whatever is going on for that night, but I haven¡¯t had that drive. As such, I made zero appearances to the final stretch of parties that happened.


    There¡¯s one tonight to celebrate the end of high school. It¡¯s supposed to be a prelude to mine, a warm up. I know it¡¯s going to be fun and I was going to go, but I was given another option instead. A concert, but not just a concert, the type that I always wanted to go to since I discovered them.


    Yuele is already waiting in front of his apartment building in downtown Seattle when I pull up next to him. The half-Japanese boy is a bit over a year younger than me and I always have to be the one to drive because of it. We¡¯re seeing one of his favorite artists tonight. We stick together despite our different tastes. It¡¯s not my particular cup of tea but Yuele¡¯s taste in genres has been growing on me, just as mine have been growing on him. It¡¯s rare for us to go to a show that plays the genres we both like.


    This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    Tonight is a dubstep rave.


    Andrew took me to my first one, years ago and I fell in love with it. None of my current friends like the same music I prefer or have the wrong ideas about raves to ever go with me. I used to sparsely go to them alone just to scratch my itch until I met Yuele. Since then, we always go to them together. It doesn¡¯t matter if the venue is legal or in the underground, he¡¯s my little rave buddy. Come to think about it, it¡¯s been almost exactly a year since we met.


    Yuele is a little odd but handsome and tall as hell. I¡¯m often mistaken for his girlfriend. We both think it¡¯s funny that it happens.


    I don¡¯t like to dress provocatively like most of the girls do at raves. I don¡¯t judge any girl who does. They all look super cute and hot for me to not want to dress like them. It''s not because I don¡¯t have the confidence, I¡¯m nothing but. It isn¡¯t because I¡¯m afraid of getting sexually assaulted either. Raves aren¡¯t like that, contrary to popular belief. The culture is friendly and welcoming and anyone who goes for the wrong reasons learns the hard way. I don¡¯t dress in fishnets, short tops, bottoms, skirts, or bodysuits simply because I don¡¯t find it comfortable. That¡¯s the only reason.


    Yuele doesn¡¯t dress any differently from his usual streetwear. It¡¯s always some combination of binary black and white. His black hair is always in a ponytail that escapes out of the hole from the back of the hat he always has on. He¡¯s the only guy I know who wears make-up and his mascara always completes his all-black and white theme. He might be better at blending foundation more than I am. It¡¯s easier to describe him as the poster boy for a Google search on what an E-boy looks like.


    ¡°You didn¡¯t forget my molly, did you?¡± He asks when I park near the venue.


    ¡°I never forget,¡± I remind him and hand him over the drugs. ¡°Venmo me when you can. It was only 30 so don¡¯t worry about it too much.¡±


    ¡°Cool,¡± he says, licking his finger and dipping it inside the tiny ziplock bag then sticks it inside his mouth.


    I do the same but with my own molly which I have crushed into a fine powder inside a folded bill. ¡°Did you bring your water bag?¡± I ask him after I wash down the bitter taste with my water bottle.


    ¡°It¡¯s in the back seat.¡±


    ¡°When did it get there?¡± I look back to find our only free source of water for the night.


    ¡°I threw it back there when you picked me up. What did you think it was?¡±


    ¡°Oh. I¡¯m dumb,¡± I laugh with him. I can¡¯t believe I didn¡¯t notice that was what he threw back there.


    ¡°Are you doing another three-day bender again? Didn¡¯t you do one last week and the one before that?¡±


    ¡°Last week wasn¡¯t as bad as the week before,¡± I giggle. ¡°That one was rough. I don¡¯t want to get minced this weekend.¡±


    ¡°Rough? You looked like a walking corpse on Sunday compared to how I saw you Friday. Did you even bother to sleep?¡±


    ¡°Nope,¡± I accentuate the p by smacking my lips together.


    ¡°You¡¯re fucking crazy, Grace.¡±


    ¡°Is that judgment I hear? Twice now?¡± I sarcastically ask. ¡°I thought we didn¡¯t do that to each other?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s more of an observation than judging.¡±


    ¡°Then can I make an observation?¡±


    ¡°And that is?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not the only one with a few screws loose in this car,¡± I laugh.


    ¡°Fair, fair. Are you ready?¡±


    ¡°Am I ever not?¡±


    We step out of the car and out the parking lot after paying and make our way to stand in line to get inside the building. The music¡¯s bass goes through the walls and vibrates them, getting me properly excited for the night. The show is for all ages but a wristband is needed for anyone over 21. Yuele doesn¡¯t get one. I do. My fake I.D. hasn¡¯t failed me once yet.


    As usual, we arrived too late to get a good spot on the floor. But as always, being squished together with everyone in the crowd isn¡¯t our style. We like to hang out in the back where we aren¡¯t shoulder-to-shoulder. As we get comfortable in the area we find, I leave to buy a few drinks at the bar and Yuele splits off to fill the water bag at the fountain. I give Yuele one of the three seltzers I buy and tuck the other inside his bag when we reconverge.


    I don¡¯t know any of the openers before the headliner. They¡¯re playing slower and groovier dubstep and it''s hard to get into it, unlike how Yuele does. I don¡¯t like the music but I have found the harsher, more aggressive, and more chaotic subgenre to be more enjoyable, which is what the headliner plays and I¡¯m excited to finally listen to them live.


    What I enjoy the most about raves is that it¡¯s one of the few things I do for me. Nobody forced me to like them. Even if I don¡¯t like who¡¯s always playing, it¡¯s still fun to be here.


    There¡¯s maybe like five people that know I go to them. Nobody else knows that I have it in me, that it¡¯s something I enjoy. It¡¯s an outlet where I recover my energy. I¡¯m just another face amongst the sea of faces here. There isn¡¯t anyone who cares that I¡¯m Grace Ciotta.


    I was 14 the first time I did anything other than weed. It was molly.


    It¡¯s not addictive or dangerous with proper use and care. It¡¯s by far the best high to enjoy. The come-up is my favorite part, what I¡¯m getting right now; the warm energy strands of a ball slowly traveling out of my stomach and all over my body.


    It ascends me to a metaphorical higher plane of existence.


    Two girls in front of us take turns glancing back at us, specifically at Yuele. I act like I don¡¯t notice while my eyes are wandering around in bliss. Yuele too busy headbanging to the bass to notice. One of the girls eyes him up and down, but that¡¯s nothing new to me. I¡¯ve seen him get hit on plenty of times but he never reciprocates even though Yuele can get anyone he likes. I have seen guys have better success in getting Yuele¡¯s attention. With all that, he still complains that he can¡¯t pull.


    I¡¯m unable to hold myself from smirking when my eyes meet when I catch them glancing longer than usual.


    Is it wrong to admit that I sort of enjoy how the girls are looking at me? It¡¯s obvious they want to approach him but they think I¡¯m standing in their way. It¡¯s ugly, I know, but having girls be jealous of me makes me happy. It¡¯s even better if it¡¯s a stranger. It makes me feel powerful.


    And for a moment, I¡¯m reminded that all my hard work paid off.


    I don¡¯t have to feel any less.


    I head to the bathroom a few minutes before the headliner starts. I don¡¯t have to pee, I just need a place to do a few bumps of cocaine. I have no issue doing it out in the open, but I don¡¯t want Yuele to know that I do it. He¡¯s never tried it and I don¡¯t want to influence him to start. He doesn¡¯t even know I do it. He¡¯s too young.


    Like I¡¯m one to talk and not a hypocrite. I started when I was 15 with Liz and Tina. While everyone does it out in the open, us three are held to higher standards, better ones. We¡¯re not like everyone else. I¡¯m not like everyone else. I can¡¯t be corrupted into doing those kinds of recreational drugs like the rest of the town.


    This is what everyone believes.


    Secret is, I¡¯m a little drug head behind closed doors. I like pills, crystals and powders. There was never anything to corrupt since I always have been since the start.


    Sara caught me with coke once. It¡¯s the drug she was addicted to. Sara was the living example of how it can mess you up. She made me promise her to never do it again.


    Oops.


    I get back right when the main set starts. The girls who were eyeing my friend are no longer in front of him. They¡¯re walking deeper into the crowd.


    ¡°They didn¡¯t take it well?¡± I ask even though I already have the context clues.


    ¡°I¡¯m getting real sick of being hit on every other show we go to. Why can¡¯t I be more like you?¡±


    ¡°What does that mean?¡±


    ¡°Look at you. What guy has the balls to approach you?¡±


    ¡°You did.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, but I¡¯m the exception,¡± he snickers. ¡°I always thought it never happens to guys.¡±


    The main act begins their intro.


    ¡°Well if it bothers you that much just come¨C¡±


    ¡°Eh, I¡¯m more comfortable like this,¡± Yuele cuts me off. He says something else but the cheers of the crowd makes that part inaudible and I only hear the end of it, ¡°-it was hard enough.¡±


    I take a moment to piece together the missing information. ¡°But I¡¯m glad you did. I think that makes you pretty cool. Thanks for telling me.¡±


    Yuele scoffs, ¡°God, I wish I was attracted to you. You¡¯re perfect for me,¡± he smirks but I know he¡¯s joking.


    ¡°Keep it in your pants,¡± I giggle right before the drop of the first song makes everything else inaudible.


    Yuele continues his smirk and proceeds to headbang to the heavier dubstep I like. It¡¯s now where I¡¯m able to get into the groove of things and it''s amplified by the molly finally peaking. It¡¯s harder to lose myself to this type of music but I find a way eventually.


    Elvlvlie is how the artist''s name is spelled and I have no idea how to pronounce it. Yuele just calls them Elevelie. They¡¯re a new artist but no one knows who it is. The mystery is part of the fun along with them doing sets differently than everyone else. Whoever it is, they DJ in secret inside an LED box on the stage.


    And whoever it is, they know how to make me move like I listen to the genre every day.


    My trance is where it just becomes me and only me. Nothing outside the little area I¡¯m moving around in matters. There is no outside world and responsibilities to worry about while I¡¯m there.


    It¡¯s just me and the music.


    This time, there¡¯s something different in the air, but I can''t quite figure out what it is. I¡¯m not a believer in fate but it¡¯s like I¡¯m meant to be here. The music is loud, angry and harsh. It reflects on everyone¡¯s dancing, but for me, there¡¯s sadness. A great sadness and I can¡¯t hear where it¡¯s coming from besides the empty DJ booth. However this angry sadness isn¡¯t making me sad, it¡¯s what is putting me into the trance of euphoria.


    Yuele took me to a punk show one day and although I didn¡¯t like it, I enjoyed the moshpits. Dubstep raves do a similar thing. This is the only time when we move towards the center of the floor where we partake. A pit opens up during the middle of the set and everyone waits until the drop to run at and shove on each other.


    Behemoths of shirtless guys are unmovable when I try to shove them during the moshpit. They push me harder than I can handle, almost falling but I catch myself. It wouldn¡¯t be a big deal if I did. Everyone here looks out for each other.


    Mosh Pits are too chaotic to keep track of anything else going on. I¡¯m pushed into another girl and we apologize to each other when an accessory on her bracelets gets caught on my shirt¡¯s collar. She tries to say something else to me but I¡¯m shoved away to hear her. I almost fell but was caught by one of the shirtless guys.


    The mosh stops for a moment and opens up again so everything can run into each other for the second drop of the song. This time, two guys get in the center with one bracing himself. The other moves back to the crowd and then runs in, drop-kicking the guy as soon as the bass drops. The moshpit starts again with cheers.


    I lose track of Yuele when it¡¯s over. I get stuck in the middle of the crowd and struggle to move back to my area. It¡¯s not easy when every guy here is over six feet and can¡¯t see where I¡¯m going. Luckily, Yuele is already back at our spot when I get there.


    ¡°You¡¯re bleeding,¡± I wipe a drop of blood coming out of his bottom lip while he puts his hat back on.


    ¡°I got elbowed,¡± he laughs. ¡°Here, let me fix your hair.¡±


    I wipe away more of his bleeding lip with my finger while he messes with my hair. Yuele looks down and bursts into a short laugh.


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°Look down.¡±


    My shirt¡¯s ripped open, exposing part of my chest. It doesn¡¯t take me a second to figure out how and when. It¡¯s not embarrassing either, I wasn¡¯t dumb enough to not wear a bra.


    ¡°Oh well,¡± I shrug as I button up my jersey to cover myself up. ¡°That¡¯s my reward for being a trooper.¡±


    ¡°How embarrassing.¡±


    ¡°Hey. Now that¡¯s judgmental.¡±


    ¡°Sorry, sorry,¡± he apologizes in the middle of his laughter.


    Yuele lets me borrow one of his shirts when we go back up to his apartment building. He takes off his jacket while I take off the ruined tee.


    ¡°Did your tits get bigger?¡± He asks and not averting his gaze..


    ¡°I hope not.¡±


    Yuele takes his oversized shirt off and reveals the tank top he¡¯s wearing underneath. The layers of clothes he wears do a good job of masking how skinning he is. I watch him change into another oversized shirt just as he did to me.


    ¡°Do you have to stare?¡±


    ¡°You were staring at me first.¡±


    ¡°I glanced,¡± Yuele rolls his eyes. ¡°It¡¯s not like it¡¯s the first time seeing a pair of tits.¡±


    I roll my eyes back at him.


    Yuele and I aren¡¯t as close as we should be. It¡¯s my fault. I don¡¯t ever share anything about myself even though he does. He seems to not mind. We¡¯re only friends because I¡¯m not judgemental. I pride myself that I¡¯m not. The only reason why I don¡¯t hang out with him on a daily basis is because he lives so far away, but that¡¯s just an excuse I¡¯ve been telling myself.


    He¡¯s a cool person and deserves to be more than someone to go with me to raves. It bothers me how it¡¯s taken me this long to figure out how comfortable I am around him. It¡¯s like we¡¯ve been lifelong friends.


    ¡°Can I borrow some shorts or something?¡±


    ¡°Why?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not going to fall asleep in pants, dude.¡±


    ¡°Wait, you¡¯re staying the night? I thought you were just gonna chill for a bit.¡±


    I shake my head, ¡°Did you see all the cops out tonight? I¡¯m still rolling tits. I¡¯m not going to risk it,¡± I lie. I have no problem driving on MDMA. ¡°You have stuff to take off my makeup, right? Contacts too?¡±


    Yuele sighs, tossing me a pair of shorts. ¡°In the bathroom. Might as well get ready for bed if you¡¯re staying then.¡±


    ¡°We don¡¯t have to sleep just yet,¡± I tell him after I change into them.


    ¡°Didn¡¯t you ask for this?¡± he says as he unties his ponytail and lets it hang to his shoulders. Yuele then takes off the shirt he just put on and the tank top under it.


    ¡°You¡¯re not-¡±


    ¡°I am, it¡¯s how I go to sleep,¡± he cuts me off and changes into the same type of shorts he gave me. ¡°You¡¯re sleeping on the ground if you joke about it.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s a fair deal,¡± my joyful smile scares him off to the bathroom. ¡°This is the second time, right?¡±


    ¡°First time willingly,¡± Yuele says over the bathroom sink.


    I join him. ¡°You trust me that much?¡±


    ¡°You haven¡¯t given me a reason not to. You¡¯re not like the rest.¡±


    ¡°I guess I shouldn¡¯t keep secrets from you then.¡±


    ¡°Here,¡± Yuele hands me everything I need to wipe my face clean. ¡°I don¡¯t mind if you don¡¯t share. You don¡¯t have to prove that you aren¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Doesn¡¯t feel that way sometimes,¡± I nervously laugh. ¡°Sometimes I feel like I¡¯m a fraud.¡±


    ¡°How so?¡±


    ¡°Remember those girls from earlier? I like how jealous they looked.¡±


    ¡°How does that make you a fraud?¡±


    I grab the wipes and start rubbing them on my face. ¡°What better way to find out during our first sleepover?¡±


    I talk about how I keep people who see me as a tool at a distance, but isn¡¯t that what I¡¯ve done to get where I¡¯m at? I talked to the right person, said the right thing, acted the correct way all just to get popular. The more useful someone was, the more attention I gave them. I like the attention. Now I try my hardest to pretend I never was that type of girl.


    With Yuele, I don¡¯t care about any of that.

 IV: Glade

    Saturday Night


    Tonight will be a good night.


    I hand over my ID to the bouncer at the jazz bar I frequently go to most Saturday nights. He looks me up and down and then at my fake ID. It¡¯s never the same guy and it always annoys me. I¡¯m a regular here but I¡¯ve never seen the same bouncer more than twice. It¡¯ll be cool if my ID wouldn¡¯t be closely looked at too. For the first time, I¡¯m rejected.


    ¡°What the fuck? I come here all the time,¡± I complain.


    ¡°Don¡¯t care. This is a fake.¡±


    ¡°The fuck it is! Do you know who you¡¯re dealing with? I¡¯ll double-check with Manny if I were you before I get Omar involved. Wouldn¡¯t want to get fired.¡±


    The mention of Omar¡¯s name worries the bouncer. ¡°Hey Manny, I got a Grace Theorsma here. Her ID is fake,¡± the bouncer radio¡¯s in.


    I hate raising my voice in anger. The bouncer is just doing his job, but tonight is an important night and I¡¯m already stressed as it is. Nothing has gone my way the entire day and now this. I only hope that my birthday tomorrow will be better.


    ¡°We cover eye insurance if you need to get them checked. She¡¯s good, let her in,¡± Manny blips on the walkie-talkie.


    The bouncer moves to the side, letting me in. ¡°Memorize this pretty face,¡± I scoff, walking past him. My anxiety has taken over and I couldn¡¯t stop it. I don¡¯t like it, but I can¡¯t help it considering what¡¯s at stake.


    The jazz club is livelier than usual as the band playing the live show is well known.  Normally I would stop at the bar and say hi to my bartender friend and spend an hour enjoying the live music, but I¡¯m in a hurry. Aylin was unable to leave work as scheduled, making me late to everything else I had to go before coming here.


    The main floor is occupied with people genuinely interested in the music or are pretending to and are pretentious, there¡¯s no inbetween. Either way, it¡¯s not uncommon for someone to try and approach me at the bar. Whether I continue the conversation depends if they tip my friend when they buy me a drink. It¡¯s either older men or tech bros who make up the bulk. I don¡¯t let it progress further once the night ends. I don''t come here to get hit on or to enjoy the music. It''s the basement that I¡¯m interested in, and I¡¯m late as it is.


    From the entrance and past the bar, I turn into the hallway that leads to the bathrooms and another door at the end. It¡¯s this door that leads to the employee area. A bit past a few corridor turns, there¡¯s a stairwell leading underground to my destination which is guarded by Manny. His jolly eyes shine brighter at his sight of me. Manny is allergic to frowning.


    ¡°I¡¯m getting sick of a new bouncer every week,¡± I match his infectious smile.


    Manny moves out of the way to let me through, ¡°It¡¯s out of my hands, sorry, Gracie.¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t see you last week. How¡¯s the weight loss going?¡±


    ¡°I never thought a small change to diet soda instead of regular would make such a difference. I¡¯ve lost five pounds since you told me. My knees haven¡¯t ached since you told me to switch from walking on the treadmill to the pool, either. It¡¯s way better than the advice Omar gave me¡±


    ¡°That''s so great to hear! When you start to stall again, try switching to lower-calorie snacks after. They won¡¯t taste as good, but it¡¯s better than cutting them out completely.¡±


    Manny gives me his little jolly round laughter. ¡°I¡¯ll keep that in mind, but don¡¯t you have somewhere to be?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not too late, am I?¡±


    ¡°You never are.¡±


    ¡°Good.¡±


    ¡°Good luck in there.¡±


    I descend the stairway and open the door with the no-entry sign.


    The massive basement is on another level compared to the main floor. Like above, it¡¯s another club bar but the ambience is different. It is lightly filled with cigar smoke but no band is playing tonight. All the tables are empty except for a few and their attention is on one that they surround in the middle. This table is the only one everyone¡¯s here for and one with a seat ready for me. I¡¯m the last one to arrive and all eyes are on me. I take that seat and place my handbag on my lap. I¡¯ve never seen the room be so empty before, but it makes sense that it is given for tonight''s event.


    ¡°Took you long enough,¡± one of my competitors next to me snarkily says. I ignore her because I know she¡¯s just trying to antagonize me. She always tries.


    Omar, the owner of the building, walks up to the table and welcomes me in. The well dressed and built black man places my chips in front of me. ¡°Are we all ready to begin?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I say after everyone else agrees.


    The round table is the largest in the room, with enough room for bottles, cups and playing cards to be spaced around. There has to be as I know how messy the table can get. One of my opponents cuts a few lines of cocaine on a plate on his side, intending to share with us. I take this time to adjust my clothes and get myself comfortable in the seat.


    ¡°I like your dress,¡± the girl next to me says but I don¡¯t hear any passive aggressiveness from her this time. ¡°And your heels, where¡¯d you get them?¡±


    Formal attire isn¡¯t required but I thought tonight is special and it¡¯ll fit the mood. Luckily I wasn¡¯t alone in thinking that.


    I¡¯m wearing a thin white silk dress for the occasion. Any gust of wind would give someone a show. This is the only place I dare to wear it because everyone here wouldn¡¯t care. My nipples are protruding out and it¡¯s quite noticeable. The dress itself is the most expensive out of the three I own. It¡¯s price pales in comparison to my white and gold Dolce & Gabbana heels. It¡¯s the most expensive thing I own and it took months to save money to buy them. I answer the woman on my left with dark tanned skin and a black two-piece dress. She hates my guts because I showed up out of nowhere last year and stole her spotlight, or at least I think that¡¯s why.


    On my right is a Polish man with dyed red hair wearing a red leather jacket over a white collared shirt. Across me, is a man in his 60s wearing a suit with sunglasses on and smoking a cigar contributing to the smoke covering the area.


    These are the three I¡¯m up against tonight.


    Omar places the deck of cards in the center while someone else from the staff hands me a glass of wine. The man in the suit rests his cigar on the ashtray and then picks up the deck to start the game.


    This private club under the jazz bar is where those in it come to relieve their stress. Unlike upstairs, it¡¯s members only and the only money used is for gambling or buying and selling drugs. The bar is open and free. The stage is usually in use by a band or fitted for exotic dancers. Members smoke their lungs away. They escape their daily life with drugs. They gamble their money away. There¡¯s only one rule here: No business. This room is the underground, away from the masks of the daylight. It hides the complexity and stress of life. It¡¯s relaxing. It¡¯s a thing to do. There¡¯s none of that tonight. Tonight it¡¯s empty because of the tournament.


    Tonight is poker night. It¡¯s the grand finals.


    An all or nothing game where only the last four winners from four separate brackets from previous nights face each other.


    I somehow ended up winning my spot last week. I¡¯m still unsure how because I never thought I would make it this far. I joined just to learn.


    The games played in this room are illegal, of course. The most popular is poker and this is my first tournament. Other games are played, many of which I¡¯m not familiar with, but I usually come here for blackjack and don¡¯t pay attention to any other. Blackjack is by far the easiest to play and win at. I¡¯m the best at it.


    If I played blackjack at my full potential, I would have been kicked out by now. I hold back enough to where nobody can know just how much I¡¯m able to control the game and only win when I want to. Counting cards is easy. It¡¯s easier when you''ve been a math prodigy your entire life and have an excellent memory. I¡¯m sure Vegas has ways to make counting cards harder, but not here. The games here are casual and have good rules. Once I watch and play enough, the game always becomes under my control and I win more than I lose. I play to keep my mind sharp and see if my predictions come true and care little if I lose. They say the house has an edge of 52% against someone who knows what they¡¯re doing. At my best, it¡¯s around 40% with me.


    Which is why I don¡¯t like poker as much. I¡¯m still learning and there¡¯s much more to keep track of. There¡¯s an exceptional amount of more randomness and external variables involved that decreases the odds of me winning as much as I want to. But that doesn¡¯t make it impossible to find the probabilities of a winning hand. Hand equity is key. Knowing when the call, raise, or fold always comes right away with the first hand and calculating the equity. The rest is finding the probability of getting the best hand compared to everyone else. It¡¯s all about the risk after that.


    Luck.


    And unlike blackjack, the biggest variable is the human one. This unknown is by far the hardest to figure out and makes the game stressful with all everything else I have to do in a short amount of time. I¡¯m usually good at reading people but it¡¯s hard to with these games. It¡¯s only been getting harder the better opponents I face.


    Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more.


    Poker is serious.


    Usually.


    But that¡¯s not how we play poker.


    Not here.


    There are drinks at the table. Loyd, the old man, is smoking a cigar and drinks whiskey like it¡¯s water. Jayce, the redhead is cracking jokes and lining up a line of cocaine on the side. Tristen, the only other woman, is the most serious one and is having a beer and a cigarette. I pour myself another glass of wine and I lit up a cigarette with her help too. No game goes without lightheartedness to mask the intensity.


    On my very first hand, I get a pair of aces. Right away I have very high equity. I¡¯m safe to raise. It doesn¡¯t matter what my opponents have. That part doesn¡¯t matter right now. What matters is what they do and how they react. They say the key to winning poker is having an excellent poker face. The key is to be able to read if someone¡¯s bluffing or not, and I¡¯m excellent at reading people. These people, my competition, makes me believe otherwise.


    The flop reveals the first three cards and I¡¯m in an even better position. There are another two aces, which means I automatically have four-of-a-kind. Then there¡¯s a king but that card doesn¡¯t matter. The likelihood of me losing is slim. No, it¡¯s nearly impossible. The only thing that could be is a royal flush and with the turn showing a useless 3, I have the nuts. The next step is to try to make the pot as big as possible.


    I win the first round.


    ¡°You like my new glasses?¡± Jayce jokes with two chips in his eyes and flips me off.


    ¡°Wow! Please tell me where you got them, I must own a pair!¡± I entertain him but I¡¯m very obviously sarcastic. It¡¯s all part of the fun.


    ¡°Will you shut up and just fold already?¡± Loyd chuckles with his deep smoker¡¯s voice.


    ¡°There are better ways to spend your retirement money. I raise,¡± I toss my chips in.


    ¡°Don¡¯t be scared to risk more, hunny. You won¡¯t bust right away,¡± Tristen blows her smoke on my face.


    ¡°Ain''t this your first rodeo, Grace? The first is always the most stressful¡± Loyd laughs. ¡°Especially if your not playing with daddy¡¯s money.¡±


    ¡°Could have fooled me,¡± Tristen chuckles. ¡°No one shows up and gambles as quickly as you did, unless the money wasn¡¯t yours.¡±


    Loyd is right. I didn¡¯t buy in with daddy¡¯s money¡¯. I¡¯m playing with the money I earned from blackjack won by my skill. It¡¯s the money that my mother doesn¡¯t know about. It¡¯s the money no one knows I have.


    I¡¯m a fish out of water in this exclusive club. Everyone here comes from money or has some sort of connection. I joined having none of that. To the three players left, the money on the table is but a write-off. Gambling is just a hobby. I also play the part. I play pretend that I¡¯m just like them. I¡¯m not Grace Ciotta here, which is why I like it. No one knows I¡¯m underage and don¡¯t belong here. No one has cared to find out.


    ¡°Aw shit, fuck it, I¡¯m game,¡± Jayce tosses his chips in then mentions his head at me to the plate next his chips. ¡°Want a line, Grace?¡±


    I nod and sniff one of the many lines on that plate. ¡°I¡¯ll fold,¡± I make my call after everyone else does. My hands haven¡¯t been the best since my first win and I¡¯ve been playing it safe. I¡¯ve been cruising by but now that I¡¯m in the home stretch, the stress has been getting to me. Of course, I don¡¯t show it. I don¡¯t think I do. I¡¯m sure I have tells. I just don¡¯t know what they are yet. I don¡¯t have the privilege to play against myself.


    The game only gets more chaotic the further we go. The table becomes a mess of chips scattered everywhere. Parts of it are covered in puddles of alcohol. Smoke casts a cloud of fog around us. The small crowd around us watching only gets drunker and louder and makes the game harder to concentrate on. The few glasses of wine and beers I had aren¡¯t helping either.


    But as the game progresses, so do my winning hands. The game is so unserious that no one has noticed I¡¯ve gotten used to everyone. I have gotten used to the subtle tells they give me. It only took until the final moments to get there. I use it as a good learning opportunity to use later. There¡¯s still more for me to know on how to read people.


    In the end, it comes down to me versus Loyd.  Jayce doesn¡¯t care that he lost and is more focused on getting wasted. Tristen hates that she lost but sticks around to see me lose. The stress has made me have more wine and more lines to help me calm down. The bitter smoke remnants of the cigarettes I smoked made my mouth taste gross. We have been at this for hours and I¡¯m ready to finish whether I win or lose. I bought my slot in the tournament expecting to not get very far. I can feel the sweat stick my dress to my back.


    ¡°How old did you say you are, Grace?¡± Loyd asks after he makes his bet. We¡¯re down to the final few hands.


    ¡°Twenty-Three. I call,¡± I say.


    ¡°Hmph, I have a grandson three years younger,¡± He flips the next card on the river.


    ¡°Are you trying to set him up?¡±


    ¡°God no. He¡¯s too spoiled for his own good.¡±


    ¡°Bummer,¡± I exhale cigarette smoke. ¡°You got my hopes up.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry to disappoint,¡± Loyd laughs, exposing the river. ¡°Sorry that you lost this hand too.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s alright, you caught my bluff,¡± I giggle, accepting my loss. I¡¯m able to breathe knowing I tried my best and it¡¯ll be over soon.


    ¡°That¡¯s my first one of the night. You¡¯re hard to read, Gracie.¡±


    ¡°I know,¡± I smirk.


    Loyd tosses me my cards for the next round and says, ¡°Let¡¯s make this interesting. All in.¡±


    ¡°Are you serious?¡±


    He doesn¡¯t have to but Loyd pushes all of his chips before laying down the flop. Screw it, I came knowing I¡¯ll lose. I push all my chips too. The furrowed look on Loyd tells me he doesn¡¯t care if he wins or loses. He probably got tired of playing and wanted to end the game just like I am. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll participate in another tournament again. This sucks. Winning a couple hundred in blackjack once in a while is enough for me


    My hand isn¡¯t great. Loyd¡¯s hand is worse. I win anticlimactically with just a pair. It takes me a moment to process that. I entered the tournament with no expectations. Now I¡¯m walking away with 50 grand.


    I don¡¯t even know what to do with so much money.


    I want to jump and scream in excitement, but I don¡¯t. I¡¯m glued to my seat. I thought I would feel happier. It just feels empty.


    ¡°Why did you go all in there?¡± I ask Loyd.


    ¡°It¡¯s more fun to let luck decide who wins.¡±


    Mom isn¡¯t home when I get back at 3 in the morning as usual. She¡¯s doing another 12-hour shift at the hospital where she works.


    Sara¡¯s room door is open when I pass by. She¡¯s peacefully asleep despite the lights being left on. I flick the switch before heading inside my room. I shut the door behind and rested against it for a moment.


    She¡¯d be so disappointed with everything I¡¯m doing. Like my mom, she has full trust in me. Their idea that I know better is a lie I¡¯m constantly telling. I take a deep breath.


    I keep all of my money hidden in a cookie box up on a shelf high in my closet. It gets full whenever I get close to saving one thousand. The 50k I won doesn¡¯t fit.  For now, I hide it away inside my school backpack.


    The amount still doesn¡¯t feel real. Even in my hands it feels like it¡¯s not mine. I feel more proud in the nights when I walk away with little over a hundred than I do now. I don¡¯t understand why I don¡¯t. I even had to fake my enthusiasm while sticking around the club to celebrate.


    50k is just too much.


    Anyone else would go crazy from winning so much.


    I¡¯m just mildly relieved that it¡¯s over.


    I wouldn¡¯t even begin to know how to explain how I have so much money. I''d like to give it to my mom so she isn¡¯t tight on money anymore, but I can¡¯t without her asking any questions. With whatever I do win on blackjack, I spend it on clothes, tickets, and drugs so it goes unnoticed. If she ever questions the new clothes she sees me wear, I have the excuse of using the money I earn from babysitting.


    I have to keep this a secret no matter how much I don¡¯t want to.


    I don¡¯t want to keep secrets, but they¡¯re the only way I can break away from the projection of me. It makes me, me, and not who I¡¯m always compared with.


    But Elizabeth also had secrets.


    The night of her death flashes my sight again. The smoke, the rain, the voices approaching, and what¡¯s below me come back like I¡¯m living it again.


    Elizabeth died in front of me and I became who I am now in order for everyone to forget about that.


    I change out of my dress, tossing into the closet, and put on a more comfortable t-shirt and gym shorts. In the bathroom, I tie up my hair into a bun and remove my make-up. For once, I look in the vanity mirror and see the Grace I always wanted to see, even if it was just for a second.


    I turned 18 tonight.


    I¡¯m beautiful.


    I worked so hard to be.


    Back in my room, I lay in my bed but realize I¡¯m nowhere close to being tired. My nose is clogged and my jaw is still a bit locked. I try to read some Sylvia Path or Anne Sexton but I can¡¯t concentrate. Something¡¯s gnawing in my stomach and it¡¯s beginning to hurt.


    I could take a quarter of a Xanax pill and fall asleep, but I¡¯m not ready for the morning just yet. Something¡¯s been wrong lately. I haven¡¯t been feeling myself. I have to figure this out before I can fall asleep.


    I get up, go to my desk, and turn on my PC. The desktop is littered with documents and essays that camouflage the icons of the games I used to play. It¡¯s been so long that I haven¡¯t bought a new game in over a year. Then again, there¡¯s only one that I used to play consistently but I haven¡¯t touched it in six months.


    League of Legends.


    How many people know that I like to play video games?


    I double-click on the game¡¯s icon and boot up the game I used to play every night. It was the last to go of my old childish hobbies. All of my online friends are off except one of the two I know IRL. I guess it¡¯s Yuna at this time. We haven¡¯t played together since I stopped six months ago. I shoot her a DM asking if she wants to play and then I wait for her game to finish. Meanwhile, I check out everything new to the game.


    Three new characters have been released since I last played and I watch videos on what they do. I also read all the changes made to the ones I play to see if they¡¯re still any good.


    Matches take anywhere between 20 to 30 minutes on average. Yuna crosses into the 40s once I¡¯m caught up with all the patch notes. I¡¯d ask her to get on a call with me on Discord but she doesn¡¯t like distractions during a ranked competitive match. I send her an in-game message asking how much longer she¡¯ll take. She replies that it¡¯s looking like a 50 to an hour game.


    Having nothing else to do and nowhere close to being tired enough to fall asleep, I pull a small baggie out under all the junk inside my desk drawer. I should be more careful where I keep my drugs now that Sara¡¯s home. Carelessness is how I got caught the first time. I can¡¯t crush Sara¡¯s heart like that.


    I¡¯m a fraud. I¡¯m not even who I believe I am. I don¡¯t have the pure intentions as I lead on.


    Is this what¡¯s been gnawing at me?


    I pour the white powder into a clump on my desk and divide it into two equally thick and long lines with my now useless school ID. I pick up a rolled up dollar bill in front of my monitor. I stare at the two lines for a moment.


    I just won 50,000 dollars. I should celebrate harder.


    I get up to grab my purse off my bed. I dig through it and take everything out so I don¡¯t struggle to find the folded-up dollar bill inside all the mess. I lick my finger and dip to scoop up a larger amount that I¡¯m used to, and wash it down with an old water bottle on my nightstand.


    Molly: pure MDMA, my favorite.


    I sit back down and snort the two lines consecutively. The rush almost immediately shoots my mind to be as focused and clear as it can be. Once that high ends in 45 minutes to an hour, the molly will kick in and it¡¯ll make me feel all better again. It¡¯ll take away all of the weirdly anxious and uncomfortable lack of excitement.


    There isn¡¯t anything better than this combination.


    I clean whatever didn¡¯t end up inside my nose with my finger and rub it on my gums, numbing my mouth a bit. As I do, I notice the other person on my friend list I know in real life login, Felix.


    I send out an invite for him to join my lobby.


    He joins, then sends me a message.


    It¡¯s been a while


    Happy birthday ^_^


    how have you been Gracie?

 V: Moonchild

    Sunday


    I¡¯m awoken long past noon by a loud and familiar obnoxious laughter downstairs. In my grogginess, I chalk it up to being a lingering dream that I¡¯m having half-asleep. Then I hear my mother¡¯s scolding and Sara¡¯s laughter and it makes it a bit more real.


    My heart flutters in excitement when I hear my name being yelled for out of the kitchen floor directly under my room. I don¡¯t bother to change out of my less-than-ideal sleepwear and only put on my old thick glasses and run down the stairs to make sure it¡¯s still not a dream.


    ¡°Gracie-kins!¡± Andrew raises his hands in excitement then hunches down to wobble towards me and gives me the tightest hug. ¡°Ain''t this the best birthday present ever?!¡±


    ¡°What are you doing here?!¡± I gasp in disbelief.


    Of course, it is just like Andrew to show up unannounced.


    I have to rub my eyes just to make sure I¡¯m not dreaming once I¡¯m released.


    Andrew left to head to New York without ever telling us. It took a year just to learn where he ran off to. My mom was the only one able to get in contact with him. Despite knowing he was okay, Andrew has been keeping us in the dark about what he¡¯s been up to for the past two years.


    All we know is what he wants us to know. We know from my mom that he''s only doing it for the build up to be worth it. It¡¯s all been leading up to a giant reveal. Mom has already told us what it is, annoyed at his antics, but it¡¯s too outlandish to believe.


    Andrew hasn¡¯t changed. He still has the rugged edges on his face that are the definition of intimidation. Everything he does still has to be entertaining. No, I¡¯m wrong. There is something different about him.


    His eyes don¡¯t carry hatred anymore.


    ¡°He thought it was going to be funny to show up out of nowhere,¡± My mother rubs her eyebrows together.


    Andrew looks back, grinning, ¡°Wasn¡¯t it?¡±


    Sara laughs. ¡°A little bit.¡±


    I didn¡¯t grow the same bond as I did with Sara while he stayed with us. I did grow to like him as a person, however, enough to see past the front he always had. I got to know a side of him who wasn¡¯t as crazy, reckless and had a death wish.


    Mom says he¡¯s settled down.


    Andrew could never.


    ¡°I got even better news,¡± Andrew hops on the coffee table to make an announcement, something he frequently did. ¡°I¡¯m here to tease the greatest plot twist in the 21st century!¡± Andrew proudly raises his arms up.


    ¡°We know you have a girlfriend,¡± Sara crosses her arms.


    ¡°But the twist is who!¡±


    Mom rolls her eyes, ¡°It¡¯s Jerrica.¡±


    Now that is a twist. Mom has hinted at it, but how could we ever believe her?


    ¡°Virginia, how could you?!¡± Andrew slouches in disappointment.


    ¡°You deserve it now. You lost your chance at your bit.¡± My mom sighs. Andrew never fails to exhaust her. ¡°You should have brought her if you were going to show up like this.¡±


    Sara throws one of the couch pillows at her twin brother. ¡°You asshole! You haven¡¯t kept in touch for a bit? I worry about you! Is it so hard to call once in a while?!¡±


    Andrew winks at my mom and hops back down. ¡°I signed an NDA to not spill the beans.¡±


    ¡°You know what? This works out,¡± Virginia grabs hold of Andrew¡¯s wrist and leads him to the front door. ¡°Since you¡¯re here now, I need you to come with me real quick.¡±


    ¡°Where to?¡±


    ¡°You have a lot to make up for me for disappearing like that. We¡¯ll start with a little favor you¡¯re going to help me out with.¡± My mother pushes Andrew out the front door and turns to face us. ¡°Grace, get ready by the time I come back. I can¡¯t believe you slept in for your graduation. And don¡¯t forget we have a reservation for your birthday diner at 8. You girls better wear something nice.¡±


    ¡°Can I come?¡± Andrew says outside in the distance.


    ¡°You¡¯re not giving me much of a choice,¡± My mother''s voice fades away.


    I turn to Sara who¡¯s trying her best to hold in her laughter. ¡°Mom wasn¡¯t lying, huh?¡±


    My sister shrugs, ¡°You want to know what¡¯s funny? I slapped him as soon as I answered the door.¡±


    ¡°Fuck, I wish I was awake to see that.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t fall asleep at 6am next time.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t be a grandpa and get up at that time,¡± I giggle. ¡°But Jerrica? In what world?¡±


    ¡°I know, right?¡±


    The gnawing feeling from last night comes back.


    The entire Senior Class erupts in clapper and cheers when my name is called for my diploma. I get up the small steps of the rec center¡¯s podium and shake our principal¡¯s hand then turn towards my class. They¡¯re all unrecognizable. The only faces that aren¡¯t a blur are of my family. I notice somebody isn¡¯t clapping and their face unblurs.


    It¡¯s Alex Elledge.


    I go back to my seat and he quickly becomes all I can think about.


    Since Monday, he¡¯d been approaching me in the halls in between classes. It wasn¡¯t more than friendly chats but it¡¯s more than nothing. There was a time where we were expected to be the power couple, but that never happened. Our fling was the strongest when we were 15 and has been slowly fizzling out. We don¡¯t talk as much as we used to so it¡¯s been odd that things are going back to what we had. We flirt too much and it¡¯s been driving me crazy.


    While I was out with Yuele, Alex texted me that he was glad I didn¡¯t go to any of the parties during the week. He knows I didn¡¯t because he went to all of them. Alex doesn¡¯t like parties but why would he be happy that I wasn¡¯t there?


    Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    I¡¯d ask, but I like doing things in person.


    I look over to where he¡¯s sitting after I send over a text to see how he reacts.


    I send:


    You wouldn¡¯t come to my b-day party even if I threw one, right?


    Alex whips out his phone and reads my message but doesn¡¯t look over to me. He responds:


    Wait you¡¯re not?


    I text right back:


    No. I¡¯ll rather celebrate with the people I care about.


    I send another right after:


    What are you doing later tonight?? I¡¯ll be free around 11.


    My heart drops because I sent it without giving it any thought. Everyone knows double texting makes you look desperate. That was stupid. Ugh, I hate wanting to cower away and hide.


    Alex reads it then looks towards me with an eyebrow raised, making me want to curl into a ball. He responds with:


    Sure. I¡¯ll be home all day.


    He smiles at me before turning his attention back to the stage.


    My mother gives me the tightest hug she¡¯s given me since I was a kid once I¡¯m free to leave the ceremony. ¡°I¡¯m so proud of you!¡±


    I struggle to set myself free. ¡°Like it was so hard, huh? Graduating isn¡¯t special.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t downplay your achievements, sweetie. You worked hard. You should be proud.¡±


    Sara gives me a hug next. ¡°Let¡¯s take a picture.¡±


    ¡°Where¡¯s Andrew?¡± I turn to my mom while Sara asks a nearby group to take our photo. Andrew is nowhere to be seen even though he was with them inside.


    ¡°He had to run off somewhere real quick. He¡¯ll meet us back home.¡±


    It could be anywhere that Andrew ran off to. He¡¯s always been an asshole but I didn¡¯t think he would miss overly exaggerating his congratulations for me. I thought Andrew grew to give a shit about me. I thought he was here for my birthday.


    I¡¯m proven wrong when I spot him dancing behind a car I don¡¯t recognize parked in our driveway. Sara is unable to hide her grin while she stares at me for my reaction. I get an idea of what¡¯s happening because I expected something like this at one point, but not this year.


    I step out my mom¡¯s car on the side of the brand new car she parks next to.


    ¡°HAPPY FUCKIN¡¯ BIRTHDAY, GRACIE!!!¡± Andrew erupts and jumps up and down.


    The goofiness of his jumps forces me to smile.


    Sara blocks Andrew from hugging me with a stiff arm and hugs me first, ¡°Happy birthday, Gracie. I love you lots. More than you know.¡±


    My mother dangles the set of car keys of the brand new car in front of me. She¡¯s smiling with anticipation until Sara lets me go and I can grab them.


    ¡°Happy birthday, love,¡± She brings my head towards her heart. ¡°It¡¯s all yours. You deserve it.¡±


    I take a second to look down at the car keys before sharing my smile with my family. I know I asked for a car a while ago, but never for a brand new one.


    ¡°How do you have the money to afford this?¡± I ask. I was happy enough with anything used and cheap.


    ¡°It¡¯s easier to save up when I don¡¯t have two leeching mouths to feed anymore,¡± she jokes.


    ¡°You¡¯re the one who didn¡¯t make us pay rent,¡± Andrew says under his breath.


    I look back down at what are now my car keys. My mouth shuts from my grin but I continue to hold my smile. I have to because if I don¡¯t, I¡¯ll frown.


    Why do I want to frown?


    I¡¯m happy. This is the best present I could have ever gotten. I¡¯ve gotten more than I asked. Nothing but good things have happened today. Fuck, I even won 50,000 dollars at the beginning of my birthday.


    I should be exploding from excitement.


    Today is perfect.


    So why am I as happy as I want to be?


    Something¡¯s wrong.


    Something''s always been wrong.


    Why the fuck do I feel so empty?


    Mom takes us to a Michelin-rated restaurant in Seattle to continue my birthday and graduation celebration. I feel a little more normal here. Once I got over my initial hump of numbness, it became easier to not think about it.


    The restaurant is too fancy and proper for us four not to stand out. Andrew stands out the most because he¡¯s the loudest, but that¡¯s to be expected. He brings back some sense of familiarity that I didn¡¯t know I missed so much. He acts the same way he would when we had dinners back home. That hasn¡¯t changed.


    When Sara and Andrew lived with us, I had a family I never got to experience as a kid. It¡¯s always just been my mom and me. The twins gave me a sense of what a normal family could be like. I have it back again and it¡¯s making me just as happy.


    The uncomfortable emptiness I felt earlier was just a one off.


    Mom and Sara use the evening to catch up on everything Andrew¡¯s been doing over the past two years. Andrew tries to play it off and be humble like he hasn¡¯t come a long way.


    There was a time when everyone thought Andrew would be found dead one day. Like Sara, he too managed to escape the chains that were killing him. My mom helped him.


    Andrew used to laugh in a way that was exaggerated to the point where it was obnoxious. It¡¯s not as bad as before and his real laugh sprinkles out once in a while. He shares more about himself tonight than I ever learned the entire time he lived with us. I get to see the side of him that Sara always told me was there.


    I¡¯m able to smile, laugh, and enjoy myself as much as I wanted earlier.


    I always felt bad that I was partly responsible for being the reason why Andrew left as soon as he graduated. Mom only kicked him out for the day so she could cool off, but Andrew never returned. While Sara and I were worried, Mom never seemed to be. I learn now that she¡¯s always had an idea of where he headed.


    She only kept us in the dark because of a promise Andrew made her make. Sara had to learn to live without relying on him and Andrew needed to be able to find peace within himself. If he stayed, he wouldn¡¯t be able to do that.


    None of us knew that meeting Jerrica was what made him want to change. It¡¯s still hard to process how that happened. There¡¯s only one time where Andrew could have met Jerrica, three summers ago. She¡¯s the older sister of the first friend I ever made, Emily.


    And I¡¯m not friends with Emily anymore.


    She moved away after that summer with full intentions of leaving everything behind and never returning. Now Andrew¡¯s telling us that Emily is also coming back to the state. They¡¯ll be here for a few weeks for their cousin¡¯s wedding.


    Throughout this whole night, my phone has been blowing up with messages. I thought it was enough to put my phone on vibrate but they were so frequent that I had to put it on mute.


    Everyone is pissed that I haven¡¯t shown up to my own birthday party everyone is throwing.


    Apart from the questions asking if I¡¯ll show up, I¡¯m informed of the gossip that starts to be shared. It always comes from the girls who hide their jealousy towards me. They¡¯ll grab on to anything they think that¡¯ll bring me down to their level, and try to crack my image. They¡¯ve already been saying I haven¡¯t been showing up to parties because I think I¡¯m good for them anymore now that we¡¯re graduating. Now that I haven¡¯t shown up to the biggest party of the year, it¡¯s undeniable proof that I¡¯m full of myself.


    I never believed I am too good for anyone.


    Yeah, I like when girls become jealous of me but it¡¯s never because I have something they don¡¯t. I¡¯m not better than anyone. I¡¯m just tired of everyone thinking I¡¯m someone I¡¯m not.


    Why would I ever show up to the place where Elizabeth died? Everyone remembers her, but they all have forgotten where it happened and who was there. They forgot just who she was and what she did.


    Else I wouldn¡¯t be compared with her.


    Not once, have I ever escaped her.


    I look up from my phone and Andrew¡¯s voice is drowned out. I can¡¯t hear my mom¡¯s or Sara¡¯s voice clearly either. My ears are ringing. My eyes don¡¯t move away from Andrew¡¯s constant smiling while trying to listen, but the ringing only gets louder.


    He has all the attention tonight.


    Why wouldn¡¯t he? Andrew likes to keep us in the dark about what he¡¯s up to because it amuses him. Tonight is the first time he¡¯s home since he left and he is sharing everything he¡¯s done since. My mom asks him a barrage of adult-like questions and Sara asks about his relationship with Jerrica. I sit back and observe and listen. The spotlight isn¡¯t on me. I¡¯m not important right now.


    But it¡¯s my birthday.


    We¡¯re at my dinner.


    Tonight was supposed to be about me.


    It¡¯s like I¡¯m not even here.


    And there it is.


    The emptiness comes back. It envelops every cell in my body and makes them a void. It¡¯s not the first time this has happened. It¡¯s been with me as long as I can remember. It¡¯s been gone since I reinvented myself and stopped being weak. I thought it was there because I was lonely, but I¡¯m lonely again.


    I¡¯ve gotten everything and I¡¯m still lonely

 VI: Not in Love

    Sunday Night


    Alex opens the door to his empty house. He made me wait a while after texting him that I arrived. But during that wait, I was able to calm my nerves and not have my kneecaps implode on themselves.


    ¡°You look nice,¡± he says but his eyes never moved away from mine.


    ¡°Thanks, I just came back from my birthday dinner.¡±


    ¡°Everyone¡¯s pissed you¡¯re MIA,¡± he chuckles , moving out of the way so I can come inside.


    I never get to be alone with Alex, not like this. Not this uninterrupted. Just as the few times I visited before, the same Jesus and religious imagery is displayed all throughout the house. His parents run the only church in town. It¡¯s why it''s rare to see Alex be in the places where sin is openly and rapidly committed. Alex shares the same beliefs as his family although isn¡¯t as religious as them. I¡¯ve been using it as an excuse to explain why we haven¡¯t slept together yet.


    ¡°I don¡¯t care what they think. They¡¯re having their fun without me.¡±


    Alex chuckles and closes the door. ¡°That¡¯ll be the first time.¡±


    ¡°I know for a fact I¡¯m not that shallow.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m happy to be proven wrong, Grace.¡±


    ¡°How¡¯s your dad?¡± I ask him to change the subject. ¡°He¡¯s fully recovered, right?¡±


    Alex nods, walking over to his kitchen. ¡°I¡¯m sad I won¡¯t have the house for myself much longer,¡± he says while he grabs something out of his freezer. He hands me an ice cold beer bottle. ¡°But it¡¯ll be nice not to look after the church for once.¡±


    ¡°Trying to get me drunk?¡±


    ¡°I would give you shots if I was,¡± Alex chuckles. ¡°You prefer beer if I remember right.¡±


    ¡°You were listening,¡± I smile. ¡°Was it lonely today?¡±


    ¡°For what?¡±


    ¡°Y¡¯know, for your folks missing out on the big day,¡± I open the beer cap using the metal of my car keys. Alex uses the magnet bottle opener on the fridge. ¡°Did they at least call?¡±


    ¡°Pshh, like it¡¯s anything to celebrate.¡±


    I giggle, ¡°That¡¯s what I said!¡±


    We move over to the living room sofa where we sit, our bodies turned towards each other. ¡°Freyja did call me. You didn¡¯t mention Sara¡¯s back home. That''s all she talked about. She¡¯s excited to come home.¡±


    ¡°I thought you knew? Maybe I would have mentioned it if we hung out like we used to.¡±


    It¡¯s totally not weird that his sister is dating my sister. It¡¯s fine, I¡¯m not related to Sara. It¡¯s also totally not awkward their dad believed God punished him by giving him cancer when Freyja came out. I¡¯m in awe that Freyja managed to convince him there¡¯s no correlation. It shocks me more than his mind didn¡¯t change again once the cancer became so bad that he had to go to a specialized hospital out of state.


    Freyja¡¯s has been there for the past couple of weeks to make sure things don¡¯t worsen again.


    Alex puts on something on the TV for background noise but neither of us pay attention to it. The coffee table is quickly filled with empty bottles of beers as we both drink them like delicious nectar.


    I¡¯m unable to keep my eyes off his milky coffee eyes. I¡¯m sunk into them. All the girls find Alex incredibly hot. It¡¯s been that way since we were freshmen. Every girl has had a crush on him but I never got it. It wasn¡¯t until I got to know him where I found out he¡¯s not like every other guy. That¡¯s when I began to like him.


    We were closest during our sophomore year. We kissed towards the end and our fling has been an ongoing burning question since. I tried to keep it being indirect and mute, y¡¯know, to never seem like I¡¯m easy. I grew tired of that and have directly asked him why we never linked up this year.


    He wants to be ready.


    Whatever that lie means.


    If he agreed to let me come over tonight, that just means he was waiting until we graduated. It has to be, he never spends time with anyone in his house alone, including his friends. The balls of him thinking I would wait for him and wouldn¡¯t get a boyfriend in the meantime. It was a bold play, but he was right.


    ¡°Why did you blow everyone off?¡± he asks.


    If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    I shrug, ¡°Am I not allowed?¡±


    ¡°I never thought you would.¡±


    ¡°And just who do you think I am?¡±


    Alex chuckles and looks away, ¡°I still remember the little dork I ran into when we first met. I liked her better.¡±


    Right.


    Alex has always liked me. He didn¡¯t care that I was a little ugly duckling back then. He didn¡¯t care about what people said about me. He always liked me for me.


    I don¡¯t forget.


    I never forget.


    Why did I forget? Am I forgetting something else?


    ¡°I¡¯m still that girl¡­¡± I whisper softly.


    My eyelids ease up and I try to make them sultry.. I wish I had a mirror so I can see how bad of a job I¡¯m doing, but It seems to be working. Alex¡¯s eyes are longing too.


    Alex inches his head ever so slowly, ¡°I haven¡¯t seen her in a long while¡­¡±


    ¡°You know it¡¯s my birthday, right?¡± I edge my head closer too.


    ¡°I know¡­¡±


    Holy shit am I bad at this.


    ¡°Did you get me a present?¡± I say.


    Boys are supposed to make the first move. I¡¯ve given him the signs that I¡¯m letting him. I look at each of his individual eyes then peek on his lips before meeting both of his eyes again in a matter of a half second.


    I¡¯m unable to control myself.


    I make the first move myself.


    Alex jerks his head back and covers my mouth with his hand, crushing my heart. It¡¯s only for a second as he laughs before releasing my lips and locking them instead with his.


    He pushes me down on the sofa.


    I wrap my arms around his strong back and tighten into his hard muscles. I never thought they''d be this defined from his skinny appearance. They shouldn¡¯t be this noticeable, Alex isn¡¯t part of any sports team or club. It must be my imagination.


    But that doesn¡¯t matter. My lips are around his. Holy shit.


    Our only kiss before this was just a small and awkward peck.


    I dreamt about this night for so long.


    My sweet mandarin Burt Bee¡¯s lip balm begins to rub off on his lips and give them flavor. He smells nice, a subtle scent of timber. It mixes well with my lavender and honey perfume. He must have put it on just for me. It¡¯s weird that that¡¯s all I can think about and nothing else.


    Alex pulls away to catch a breather.


    ¡°I want you, you know,¡± I tell him.


    My crush, maybe even my love, laughs and covers his head on the side of the sofa. I take this time to unzip my white and gold embezzled cocktail dress. I lower the upper half to expose my breasts.


    Alex only takes a quick look when he notices. ¡°I¡¯ve always liked you, Grace.¡±


    ¡°I know.¡±


    I pull his lips back to mine.


    This time I have to pull away to catch my breath but not before I start to unbuckle his jeans.


    ¡°I¡¯ll make the wait worth it,¡± I moan.


    I pull his penis out. Alex kneels back up. His dick is rock hard and stares at my face, contradicting his facial expression. He¡¯s biting his lip and clenching his eyes closed.


    ¡°Who am I speaking with right now?¡±


    ¡°What do you mean?¡± I nervously laugh.


    ¡°I thought the Grace I like was coming back,¡± Alex puts his penis back inside his pants. ¡°I thought I was wrong about you.¡±


    ¡°Alex, I¡¯m me. I haven¡¯t changed.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s not how I see it.¡±


    I get off from laying on my back and sit back up. I¡¯m practically throwing myself at him, why would he stop? I know he¡¯s not like the rest, but Alex is still a guy. No guy would give this up. ¡°Stop fucking with my feelings!¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t mean to,¡± he stands. ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    ¡°Then what?! Why did you invite me over if you didn¡¯t want to? What is holding you back?¡±


    He looks away, ¡°You¡¯re the one thinking about sex. I thought you were finally done with your little experiment.¡±


    ¡°Experiment? What experiment?¡±


    ¡°The weird thing you¡¯ve been doing pretending to be Elizabeth. You¡¯ve been acting like she''s someone to look up to. I miss the old Grace.¡±


    I stand up and cover myself up. ¡°You keep saying that. What old Grace? I¡¯m not a fucking loser anymore. That¡¯s the only thing that¡¯s changed. It¡¯s not my fault I remind everyone of Ellie.¡±


    The void doesn¡¯t stop growing.


    I want a line of cocaine. I want a lick of MDMA. Fuck, I even want to take some shrooms or LSD and listen to relaxing music on a walk through the forest. Anything would be better than this empty feeling. I want to forget.


    ¡°Yes it is. Did you forget what she did to you? Did you let all the attention get in your head and forgot who she was? Ever stop and consider how selfish and inconsiderate you¡¯ve become?


    ¡°Selfish? I¡¯m anything but,¡± I scoff. ¡°That¡¯s the one thing Elizabeth and I don¡¯t have in common. I¡¯m not her and I won¡¯t ever be. I¡¯m so fucking tired of everyone thinking I am.¡±


    ¡°Then stop acting like it,¡± Alex stands up, knocking an empty beer bottle down. ¡°Just what have you been trying to prove?¡±


    ¡°Oh, fuck you!¡± I raise my voice.


    ¡°Or is this who you really are now?¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t fucking believe you,¡± I gather all of my stuff and head towards the front door. ¡°I¡¯m so fucking sick of you always playing with my emotions.¡±


    ¡°Grace¡­¡± his words fall on deaf ears.


    I take one last look at him, repressing the urge to slam the door when I¡¯m finished. ¡°Congratulations on breaking my heart¡­¡±


    I ultimately fail, and slam the door so hard that I hear it crack somewhere.


    I park next to a house a few blocks away from mine.


    I  try my hardest not to cry. I¡¯m supposed to be a storm strong enough to not allow myself to cry. I moved past that weakness. I moved past that Grace. A tear falls and when I taste it, hell is let loose. This is what the old Grace would do, but she¡¯s always been me.


    She never changed, I just made her strong.


    How can Alex not see that?


    How can he not like that?


    I¡¯m strong. I¡¯m a storm. I got rid of everything that I hated about myself. I¡¯m no longer a nerd, naive, timid and everything that was unlikable. I¡¯m not a fucking loser with no friends. I became who I always dreamt of being, and more.


    Why couldn¡¯t that be enough?


    Why is it never enough?

 VII: Half Return

    Monday


    Elizabeth Wilson


    Elizabeth¡¯s grave hasn¡¯t been taken off. It¡¯s withering away just like those around hers. I visit her every few months. I like to keep her informed of everything that¡¯s been going on. Most of the time I talk to her like she¡¯s there. If there is one person who knows everything about me, it¡¯s her. She¡¯s the only one I don¡¯t keep secrets from.


    But I¡¯ve been talking to the wind the entire time. She was never there. She¡¯s dead.


    I¡¯m getting nightmares of the night she died again. I keep smelling the smoke and iron. The flashes of the tree she stood in front of and her lifeless body in front of me pop in when I do. It¡¯s becoming much more frequent.


    It¡¯s easier to handle now. I don¡¯t wake up in cold sweats or freeze when those memories come back. It doesn¡¯t cripple me anymore.


    But her suicide still haunts me.


    I always felt connected with her.


    Like gravity, I¡¯m always pulled toward her.


    It¡¯s never been stronger.


    I thought it was because I could understand her. I¡¯m walking in her shoes, after all. Now I¡¯m questioning why I wanted to in the first place. This numbness, this static and emptiness, this is what she must have felt too.


    Elizabeth was pure at one point. Unlike me, she wasn¡¯t corrupted. She didn¡¯t pretend that she wasn¡¯t. But she was always being used for something. Elizabeth never considered that she was being made fun of behind her back. Her best friends betrayed her. That¡¯s what broke her, what corrupted her. She ran around looking for anyone she could trust. Everyone was cruel to her in their own secret way.


    She died alone.


    That sympathy I had for her was the only thing allowing me to forgive her for killing herself in front of me.


    She made me go through the most traumatic period in my life, but if I hadn¡¯t, would I be the girl I am now? My life wasn¡¯t any better before then in the first place.


    Should I be grateful for that?


    If I am, doesn¡¯t that make me grateful that she died?


    Elizabeth was a very selfish person. She was good at pretending she wasn¡¯t. She didn¡¯t care who she hurt to get what she wanted. Everyone remembers her as this kind soul, but she hurt a lot of people because of her selfishness. She got hurt and she wanted blood. I know what she did. She wanted revenge. We know the truth now, she committed suicide because of how the guilt of her anger. She died because she couldn''t fix what she''s done. She chased after a delusion that she could.


    Winter.


    Her death caused Emily to take pity on me then and become my first ever friend. It was that pity that pushed the domino to meet everyone I¡¯m friends with now. I have no way of knowing what would have happened if Elizabeth never set those dominos up in the first place.


    The day that Elizabeth died was the day I first learned who she was. That was also the day when this invisible rope or thread appeared. It¡¯s been pulling me since. I¡¯ve never allowed it to lead me where it wants me to go because there¡¯s nothing at the end of it. Elizabeth is no longer here.


    For once, I listen.


    From the cemetery, I leave for Elizabeth''s old home. It¡¯s long abandoned now. Her parents moved out and it hasn¡¯t been sold yet. I passed by this place plenty of times, but this is the first time I stopped by.


    The front door is locked, unsurprisingly. The door in the backyard isn¡¯t. I¡¯m not sure what I¡¯m hoping to find here. The house is barren. It¡¯s empty. It¡¯s not a home. I spend a few minutes with my fingertips tracing along the wall. These fingers trace up the stairs where I eventually find what I can only assume was Elizabeth¡¯s room.


    Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.


    Empty too.


    Not even a random bobby bin in the corner is to be found. There¡¯s only dust here. Her closet is filled with empty hangers. Her bathroom¡¯s light no longer works. There¡¯s nothing for me to find and yet, I feel like I¡¯m supposed to be here.


    I¡¯m pulled here.


    She messed me up more than I thought.


    Alex was right. It hasn¡¯t been Grace walking around in my body. That¡¯s why I¡¯ve been feeling so disconnected. I¡¯ve only been pretending to have all my confidence just to hide from feeling that hopeless ever again.


    It was never me, not the real me.


    But how do I know who that is anymore?


    I¡¯ve been the center of attention for a long time now.


    And it wasn¡¯t enough.


    Why?


    That¡¯s the burning question. Why? Why am I empty again when I wasn¡¯t before? What changed?


    Since my birthday, I¡¯ve had more free time than what I could do with. I¡¯ve stopped making plans with people when I don¡¯t want to. I¡¯ve stopped replying to every message I¡¯m sent. I thought I was feeling off because I no longer had the energy to keep it up.


    I just wanted a little break so things would go back to normal.


    I¡¯ve been sleeping more.


    But it hasn¡¯t fixed me.


    I haven¡¯t found out what makes me empty.


    The constant reminders of Elizabeth have been ruminating through my mind. They¡¯ve been negative thought loops like an out-of-control hamster wheel. The only thing that¡¯s ever talked about was just how much Elizabeth was going through. The pain she inflicted on others during her self-destruction is never mentioned. Nobody wants to blame her. Nobody hates her. They all forgave her. Nobody remembers how I was bullied for being the girl Elizabeth in front of. Everyone stayed away from me because they all thought I was cursed. I was the butt end of every joke. I spent a long time making sure I was so liked that everyone forgot about that.


    I was desperate.


    I didn¡¯t intend to wear her crown.


    It goes deeper than that.


    I¡¯m not ready to face it.


    I lie dead center of the noise-canceling room on her surprisingly soft carpet. There¡¯s nothing here, and yet there¡¯s something. Something happened in this room. I want to call it a gut feeling, but it¡¯s twisting my stomach. It hurts. On one of the walls, there¡¯s a discoloration from where a poster used to be hung. This odd feeling I¡¯ve been having is telling me that¡¯s where I need to look at.


    The ceiling is easier, I don¡¯t have to have my head twisted. I¡¯ll be crazy if I actually believe that this weird pull is anything more than my imagination. That¡¯s all this way. I¡¯ve been making it up in my head because I haven¡¯t been able to move on from Elizabeth. I¡¯m being pulled because she¡¯ll forever be a part of my identity, that¡¯s all this is. Honestly, it¡¯s my self-made tragedy.


    I made her a part of me.


    She''s everywhere I look and nowhere to be found, that was her greatest revenge.


    Why have I always felt like I¡¯ve been waiting for her this entire time?


    Elizabeth intentionally ruined too many lives to count. She hurt a lot of people. No one was hurt more than the friend group I made after her death. Like a cruel twist of fate, they happened to be the friends she made during the last summer she was alive. Nobody puts the blame more than themselves. Her death tore those friendships apart. It only took another year for us to notice what she did. She took away the people who were kind enough to be my friend.


    Now all those shadows from the past are converging to one place for the first time in three years.


    It¡¯s making me anxious thinking of the possibilities that could happen. I¡¯m delusional in thinking we¡¯re all going to be friends again. Cody, Sara, Andrew, Emily and even Chris. I miss them all.


    My fondest memory was when we were all hanging out together at Pike''s Place in Seattle. It was the first time that the emptiness I always lived with was gone. For those few hours, I have never been happier. I want us all to be together again.


    But along with that amazing day, nobody noticed the chains of events that would collapse everything had been raging through the entire time.


    The true extent of the consequences of Elizabeth¡¯s suicide had barely been felt.


    It¡¯s a hard topic to discuss, but if anyone has any reason to never forgive Elizabeth for what she did to them, it¡¯s them. Funny thing is that I know they already did, at least Sara and Cody have. It honestly works out that everyone is nearby all at the same time. It¡¯s almost too much a coincidence.


    They¡¯ve all freed themselves from their chains.


    They escaped the suicide capital of the world. Nobody hardly escapes. That¡¯s how it is because that¡¯s how everyone wants it to be. It¡¯s about when you wake up in the morning and it is raining and it¡¯s hard to see past the fog that comes down. It¡¯s about where it¡¯s dark from what sun hides and darker where the shadows are. It¡¯s about jumping into the river where it flows jagged and violently and the only way out is to drown or never jump in the first place. Nothing can go back. It¡¯s all adrift.


    In her death, Elizabeth created a symbol that was immortalized. A symbol of good and kindness that exists within the violent river of suffering. It¡¯s better to remember her for who she was than who she became. And while ¡°Oh, poor girl,¡± and the ¡°what a terrible tragedy,¡± was used to immortalize her, truth is,  death doesn¡¯t vindicate.


    Death doesn¡¯t vindicate.


    And while it was good to lift the spirits and good for the town, it wasn¡¯t good for Elizabeth. She still died.


    Elizabeth was robbed of her future and the possibilities within it. Her life can never be replaced. I can¡¯t replace it. I¡¯m not her. I¡¯m not capable of being as cruel as her. I wouldn¡¯t be compared to her if anyone remembered that she was.

 VIII: Dex

    Tuesday night


    Liz gently grabs hold of my fingers, holding them up to examine my nails. ¡°Oh my god, they¡¯re so cute! Did you do them at the same place you told me to go?¡±


    I free my hand to finish the message I was in the middle of typing after I parked my car. Liz is in the passenger seat waiting for Tina to finish taking a shot of her cheap vodka. My nails are a bit longer than I¡¯m used to, making it a bit of struggle to type as fast.


    ¡°No, I did them when I was with Yuele yesterday.¡±


    ¡°How long did the white flames take to make? I know that couldn¡¯t have been easy,¡± Liz says, taking the bottle and chaser drink.


    My acrylic nails are clear with swirling flames coming out of the ends and narrowing and ending into different patterns before the cuticle. If I did them myself, it would have taken me a few hours, but Yuele did them for me. They¡¯re pretty.


    ¡°Are we ever going to meet this Yuele?¡± Tina asks.


    ¡°You¡¯re always welcome to come when I go to raves,¡± I look outside the window towards the house party we¡¯re going to tonight.


    Liz was invited and asked us to come so she wouldn¡¯t be alone. Tonight¡¯s a first as we''ve ever been to Tacoma. It¡¯s as good an excuse as any to distract myself from myself. Anything is better right now than to be alone with my thoughts.


    ¡°One was enough,¡± Liz takes a drink and tries to hand over the bottle but I reject it. ¡°This should be fun, though.¡±


    Tina takes the bottle instead, ¡°If it¡¯s feta we can always leave and join Maddie at Trinity. Now that you¡¯re 18 you can finally join us, Gracie.¡±


    ¡°Maybe some other time¡±


    I say but don¡¯t mean. I¡¯ve been to nightclubs before and I don¡¯t like them. Everyone is belligerently drunk and loud. Fun is the word to disguise the intentions of everyone there. I¡¯m not a big fan of the music played either. Then again, I have only gone by myself and don¡¯t know how different it¡¯ll be with my girls.


    The party thrown on my birthday was indeed the largest one of the year. There¡¯s videos of it everywhere on Instagram and Facebook. I haven¡¯t bothered to watch a single one. From what Tina and Liz have told me, my presence was missed but was eventually forgotten about. Nobody needs me. I was just just the excuse to make it happen. Everyone is still talking about it. A bunch of stuff happened that I call drama, drama, drama, but I couldn¡¯t care less. It all seems meaningless now. Of course there was drama that I wasn¡¯t there but my likeability outweighs the opinion of my haters. I hear people from all over the state showed up. Liz became friends with someone and that someone is the reason we¡¯re going to this party tonight.


    I follow behind Tina and Liz into the house and immediately don¡¯t want to be here. Our arrival brings the attention of those nearby, including the host who welcomes us in. We follow him around as he introduces us to some of his friends.


    I don¡¯t like how we¡¯re seen and I like less that we¡¯re here. I should¡¯ve asked Liz for more details of who invited her.


    The party is quite quiet and calm. The music isn¡¯t loud and the house isn¡¯t packed. Everyone is split up in their own groups, of course, but nobody is visibly fucked up. Maybe it¡¯s too early for anyone to get real drunk, but the lack of chaos isn¡¯t why I find the place uncomfortable. I try to brush it off and go around to meet new people. The eerie tingle behind my neck just gets more unnerving the longer I spend time here.


    There¡¯s a lull in our interactions and I pull my friends to break away so I can talk to them.


    ¡°Don¡¯t you find it a little weird that we¡¯re here?¡± I ask, unable to ignore it anymore.


    ¡°Why does that matter? We¡¯re all adults.¡±


    A woman comes up to us before I can say anything back, ¡°Hey, can I talk to you guys for a quick second?¡±


    Liz rolls her eyes, thinking the woman will say something bitchy, ¡°Yeah?¡±


    ¡°How old are you girls?¡±


    We answer almost at the same time.


    ¡°Who invited you?¡±


    ¡°Nathan? Who else?¡±


    ¡°Uh-huh, alright, okay¡± the woman crosses her arms. ¡°Do you know how old he is? Did he tell you his age?¡±


    ¡°No, but isn¡¯t he like 23, 24 or something? I just assumed.¡±


    ¡°Okay, so he¡¯s 36. Most people here are around the same age, just so you know. All the men are in their thirties. I¡¯m 28, so I¡¯m on the younger side here, but you girls are really young. Really young. You don¡¯t have to go, but if you need anything, and I mean anything, let me know. You find me and get me, I won¡¯t be far.¡±


    Liz turns towards Tina and I when the woman leaves. ¡°That girl was so weird.¡±


    ¡°Oh, I think she was weirded out that she wasn¡¯t the young hot girl anymore,¡± Tina looks around.


    ¡°Mhmm, I don¡¯t think that¡¯s it,¡± I raise my eyebrows. ¡°I think she was worried.¡±


    ¡°Nah, she just doesn¡¯t like us. Her vibe was way off.¡± Liz starts walking back inside the kitchen of the sparsely populated house party. ¡°She¡¯s just jealous and trying to scare us off.¡±


    I follow Liz and Tina with my head turned to find where the woman ran off too. I catch her mid conversation with Nathan, the host of the party. She¡¯s pissed at him.


    ¡°No seriously, I don¡¯t like it here, let¡¯s go where Maddie¡¯s at,¡± I say.


    ¡°Grace, you¡¯re being feta,¡± Liz protests while pouring a drink for herself and Tina. ¡°Nothing bad is going to happen, no Judas.¡±


    ¡°We got each other''s back,¡± Tina validates Liz.


    ¡°No, you don¡¯t get it. Let¡¯s not get too involved with anyone. We should be careful.¡±


    ¡°Ugh, Grace, we¡¯ll leave if we¡¯re not feeling it, okay? We just got here.¡± Liz scoffs and then swings her drink.


    ¡°It¡¯ll be fine, girl,¡± Tina smiles.


    Fine is hard to feel, especially once we all get separated. I try my best to be in places where I have sight of my two friends at the same time but that¡¯s not always possible. I gravitate to being around a group with another woman because I feel safer.


    The reason why isn¡¯t coming to me.


    For the first time, I don¡¯t give a shit to get to know these people. I still talk to them like I do to everyone, except the topics are a bit different. I ask one about their job and then keep asking questions to know more about it. It works best if I find and ask them about something they¡¯re interested in. It makes them invested to share and makes me likable that I¡¯m interested. I always am.


    But I¡¯m lying to myself. I pretend to be interested to be liked. Tonight I¡¯m doing it to find out what I feel so worried about.


    I can¡¯t find the right words to explain why we shouldn¡¯t be here. It¡¯s obvious most of the women don¡¯t want us here and that the men do. Liz is right, we are all adults and can think for ourselves but I still feel weird about it. It¡¯s just different because of how old everyone else is. Maybe I don¡¯t like that they¡¯re letting underage girls drink with them.


    The woman who talked to us breaks away from her group and heads to the backyard. I follow her. Tina is there talking to two guys and sharing a blunt.


    ¡°Something happened?¡± the woman asks when she turns after I tapped on her shoulder.


    ¡°No, but I want to ask why you¡¯re the only one who checked up on us.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s your name?¡±


    ¡°Grace.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m Jada. I¡¯m just worried about you girls ¡®cause I¡¯ve been to places like these when I was your age. I hung out with a lot of older men  thinking nothing of it but I take it you get what I¡¯m trying to say.¡±


    ¡°Sort of, but I can¡¯t explain it. Like I get where Liz is coming from but at the same time, it feels like we¡¯re a joke here.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re exactly right,¡± Jada widens her eyes, surprised. ¡°You are being made fun of, but not in the ha-ha way. It¡¯s more of the, look at these dumb girls who don¡¯t know any better. There is no innocent reason why anyone here would try to talk to you guys. You¡¯re being taken advantage of.¡±


    Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.


    ¡°How did you see it before?¡±


    ¡°The same way your two friends do. I wanted to be a grown up very badly and thought I had a lot of life experience to take care of myself. So I never found it weird that I was around men twice my age because I saw them as peers.¡±


    Jada leads me to the corner of the backyard¡¯s face to talk without anyone close enough to eavesdrop. I rest my back against the wooden fence to keep an eye on Tina and then Liz walks out with the host. She can¡¯t keep her eyes off him.


    ¡°And whenever someone came up to me exactly how I did to you, I found it demeaning and insulting.¡±


    ¡°I think a lot of girls think that way.¡±


    ¡°Because they all think the same. Like your friend, she thinks I don¡¯t know the details of her situation and that she isn¡¯t a victim. That she¡¯s the exception. It all goes over their heads when someone tells them differently.¡±


    ¡°I saw you arguing with that guy,¡± I motion my head towards the host. ¡°You close with him?¡±


    ¡°Not really but I never had a bad opinion of him until now. He brushed me off when I told him he¡¯s a creep for inviting you girls here. That¡¯s the hard part about people, you never know their true colors until you do.¡±


    ¡°Y¡¯know, you exactly said everything I felt but couldn¡¯t put into words. Thanks for caring.¡±


    ¡°I hope you can convince your friends that all the men here are pathetic enough to talk to teenagers. I wish I had a friend like you when I was your age.¡±


    Tina and Liz join up and go back inside the house together. Liz is stubborn and conceited enough to push back with us leaving again. Her mind isn¡¯t going to change if I explain to her what I couldn¡¯t before. Tina would listen and at least consider it. I just need to get Tina on my side to veto Liz.


    They head towards the garage where drinking games are being played. The music is too loud for them to hear me calling out their names. The laundry room is connected in between the living room and the garage.  I let two guys through the garage door before I¡¯m able to catch up.


    ¡°Dude, I finally found out what happened to that Elizabeth girl.¡± One of them says to the other.


    My head snaps back like it¡¯ll rip off when I hear that. ¡°Wait!¡± I stop them. ¡°Who did you say?¡±


    Both of them look at each other confused. ¡°Oh, just some girl we knew.¡±


    ¡°Elizabeth Wilson?¡±


    ¡°Yeah? How¡¯d you know?¡± The other asks.


    I had no reason to believe they were talking about the same person. I just knew. I don¡¯t know how but it hasn¡¯t been the first time.


    ¡°I knew her. Did you know her well too?¡±


    ¡°Nah, we only hung out once but we always wondered where she disappeared too.¡±


    We move to the middle. The guy with the beard and beanie introduces himself as James. He sits on top of the washer and the one who knows the most. The other is bald, named Diego. He leans against the dryer and I face them in between.


    ¡°What happened to her?¡± Diego asks.


    ¡°She died,¡± I say. ¡°It happened four years ago. Nobody told you guys?¡±


    ¡°Nah, I only found out yesterday. But fuck, that fucking sucks.¡±


    ¡°I see. How¡¯d you guys know Elizabeth?¡±


    Why would two guys in the outskirts of Tacoma know a girl who died four years ago? Even here, I¡¯m reminded of her. I came explicitly so I could have one night where I didn¡¯t think about her. I haven¡¯t been able to stop since my fight with Alex.


    ¡°We didn¡¯t know her for too long, ¡®cause, y¡¯know, but she certainly made an impression,¡± Diego somberly chuckles.


    ¡°Never met anyone like her,¡± James smiles.


    I pry further to find anything else about Elizabeth, but don¡¯t learn much. These guys only met her once.


    James and Diego offer me a few lines of coke. 99% percent of the time it¡¯s an automatic decline, but Diego tests it right in front of me. My curiosity peaks when they mention the batch they have has the exact same purity that disappeared three years ago. It¡¯s impossible to find now and I only heard rumors about it.


    My expectations are met.


    It makes me feel great.


    And I don¡¯t ever want to lose this feeling.


    ¡°Grace, have you ever tried Winter? Elizabeth put us on. There¡¯s no greater high. We have some.¡± James asks.


    ¡°Isn¡¯t that supposed to be impossible to find?¡±


    ¡°Nah,¡± Diego pulls out a small blue rock wrapped in saran wrap. ¡°It¡¯s fucking expensive though. This shit alone cost a grand.¡±


    ¡°That isn¡¯t the real Winter,¡± I point at the rock. ¡°It would be in a liquid if it was.¡±


    ¡°And how would you know?¡±


    I know because the liquid Winter was the drug Elizabeth was hooked on. It¡¯s what she chased after. She could only get her hands on imitations but it was never enough to satisfy her. I only know the stories. I never thought I would see the imitation with my eyes.


    ¡°Even if it is, the high is still amazing. Want a hit?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    I stick around for far too long and allow Liz to get too drunk. Tina finds me, desperately wanting to go home now. James and Diego ask for my instagram before I leave. The last thing James tells me is, ¡°You¡¯re just as cool as Ellie. Reminds me how fun she was when she was around.¡±


    And Diego said, ¡°I would believe you if you said you¡¯re her twin.¡±


    And I said, ¡°I look nothing like her.¡±


    Diego said, ¡°Even so, you¡¯re just like her.¡±


    Tina helps me walk a drunken Liz into her bed. Afterwards I take Tina home but she hasn¡¯t gotten out of my car just yet. I¡¯m letting her speak as she comes to terms that we should have never been there. I knew she would come around to see it how I did.


    But I was reckless too. I should have forced us to leave before Liz got herself too drunk. We¡¯re lucky that¡¯s all that happened and nothing worse.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± she sighs. ¡°I should really stop doubting you, Grace.¡±


    ¡°No, you should. I can be wrong.¡±


    ¡°But you weren¡¯t and that¡¯s the problem. I should¡¯ve left the second that guy told me how mature I was for my age. Like, that is literally what pedos say. Word for word, bar for bar. I can¡¯t believe I didn¡¯t see it.¡±


    ¡°We like to feel so special, huh Tina?¡±


    Tina giggles, stretching her legs and arms in front of her. ¡°If anyone is mature for her age, it¡¯s you, Gracie. You always know what to do.¡±


    Hearing that bothers me. I always hear that. I¡¯m always praised. Like I know everything.


    That I am so smart.


    Tina¡¯s my best friend. We know everything about each other. I¡¯m closest with her because she became friends with me while I was still in my shell. But sometimes it feels like she¡¯s forgotten who that Grace was.


    ¡°Do you think you would¡¯ve been happier if we never became friends?¡± I ask.


    Tina gives me a look she rarely does and only if I say or do something unlike me. ¡°I¡¯m happy now.¡±


    ¡°Aren¡¯t you tired?¡±


    ¡°Of what?¡± she nervously giggles. ¡°You¡¯ve been acting off the past couple of weeks. Is that why you never showed up to your birthday party? What are you tired of?¡±


    I press my head against the headrest and close my eyes. Tina isn¡¯t friends with me because it makes her popular. Tina just gets me. I never had to question that. She¡¯s always there for me. It¡¯s me who¡¯s the problem. I never go to her for help. I never go to anyone.


    ¡°I¡¯m just am,¡± I whisper.


    ¡°Alex told me that you guys fought. I¡¯m sorry about tonight too. I know it was a lot.¡±


    ¡°Who do you like better, the old Grace or me now?¡±


    ¡°Now, obviously. It¡¯s you with maxed out stats, who wouldn¡¯t like that? Why? What did that dumbass say to you?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m tired of everyone comparing me to Elizabeth,¡± I open my eyes.


    ¡°Why is that a bad thing? Everyone loves her and everyone loves you. What¡¯s so bad that you picked up what she left behind?¡±


    ¡°You never knew her.¡±


    ¡°Neither did you.¡±


    It doesn¡¯t matter how she actually was. What matters is how she is remembered.  Fuck, nobody even remembers her without comparing me to her. Nobody likes to bring up the bad that she did. Nobody cares for her reasons. Nobody cares that she needed help.


    ¡°I keep remembering what happened.¡±


    ¡°Fuck, I¡¯m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?¡±


    I shake my head. ¡°I think I need a little time for myself. Don¡¯t hate me if I don¡¯t want to hang out for a bit.¡±


    ¡°I could never hate you. Whatever you¡¯re feeling, It¡¯ll pass. Let me know if there¡¯s anything you need from me.¡±


    It¡¯ll pass.


    That¡¯s what everyone says.


    How much time does it have until it does? It already did. It came back. I built myself to be able to withstand it if it ever did. I¡¯m not any stronger than I was four years ago.


    ¡°Have you listened to Emmah¡¯s new song? It just came out but it¡¯s so beautifully comforting.¡± Tina plugs her phone onto the aux.


    Emmah Melody Ryan is her favorite artist. Although I like her too, I could never get into her as much as Tina. The variety of genres Emmah makes is too diverse for me to sit down and listen to them all. I only like her pop and danceable songs. Tina puts on a quiet and ambient tune.


    ¡°What¡¯s it called?¡± I ask.


    It¡¯s soothing. It¡¯s calm. But it¡¯s also haunting. It matches the pain inside of me.


    ¡°Twin Flame.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s nice.¡±


    ¡°You should listen to her more. I do all the time when I¡¯m feeling down. It like, brings the stress out of me.¡±


    Tina leaves the car and heads inside her house. I pull out of her driveway and head to mine.


    I¡¯m left alone with this emptiness of mine again. Nothing is there and yet it still hurts. It¡¯s a great sadness. I¡¯m losing sense of who I am.


    The only light on is coming from Andrew¡¯s room. His door is slightly open and I can take a sneak inside. He¡¯s laying on his bed and watching a video on his phone. There was always something I wanted to ask Andrew but never could. It was too awkward at the time because he was living with me. I most likely won¡¯t have another chance to be alone with him. He leaves tomorrow and is going to stay with his girlfriend in Seattle until their trip is over.


    He holds the answer to a question that hasn¡¯t left my mind since the night of my birthday, since Alex rejected me.


    But I¡¯m unable to. I don¡¯t even have the strength to open the door a little further. It¡¯s as if I can¡¯t. It¡¯s too heavy.


    It¡¯s just like before.


    I¡¯m 14 again and all I can do is watch. I¡¯m powerless and can¡¯t speak up.


    When Andrew took me to my first rave, I watched him have sex with a girl when I found him to get me home. Puberty was hitting me like a train and I was confused. I liked what I saw and wanted to know how it felt. I was curious, excited and desperate. I didn¡¯t ask, but I didn¡¯t need to. Andrew knew. I let him.


    But Andrew stopped himself.


    I was so mad that he did.


    It was never brought up again until he told my mom which prompted her to kick him out.


    Andrew notices, ¡°Need something?¡±


    I can ask him now, get it over with, find out what¡¯s defective. I can¡¯t. ¡°Do you ever feel like everything you worked for was mute?¡±


    ¡°Watch¡¯a getting at?¡±


    ¡°Like no matter what you do, it won¡¯t ever be enough to satisfy you? As if it¡¯s not yours.¡±


    ¡°Go to bed, Gracie-kin, I can smell the alcohol from here.¡±


    I don¡¯t even know what¡¯s bothering me at this point.


    I¡¯m so fucking empty and I don¡¯t know why. Maybe Alex is right and I let the popularity get to my head. I¡¯ve been noticing more and more that I¡¯m just a hypocrite. I¡¯m not selfish, I was just starved for attention. It¡¯s all I needed up until this point, but it wasn¡¯t right.


    I don¡¯t know who I am anymore.

 IX: Rainclouds

    Friday Night


    Freyja Elledge waits for me outside the venue where Cody is performing today. Sara¡¯s already inside, being a part of the live band Cody uses if they¡¯re ever in the same place.


    Cody¡¯s a rapper and already popular enough to sell out venues. People recognize natural talent and that¡¯s all Cody¡¯s been. His style is considered to be too lyrical, emotional and different from ever breaking the mainstream, not like he ever wants to. Today¡¯s the final stop of his tour, exactly where it began.


    ¡°Alex wants me to let you know to give him another chance so he can explain himself better,¡± Freyja tells me as we get situated in the crowd.


    We¡¯ve arrived right before Cody¡¯s set time because that¡¯s all I care about.


    ¡°Tell him he had three years to explain. He lost his chance.¡±


    Freyja giggles like I don¡¯t know what I¡¯m talking about. ¡°I¡¯ll pass it on but I pray that you don¡¯t leave it on bad terms with him.¡±


    ¡°Has prayer ever worked for you?¡±


    ¡°Not in the ways you think.¡±


    I leave it as that, and try to forget what happened on my birthday. We haven¡¯t talked since, not that I want to. For how gossip spreads like wildfire in this town, nobody knows about it. I haven¡¯t told anyone and neither did the few that know about it. Alex could have easily talked about it and spun in to make me look bad, but he¡¯s never been the type of person to do that.


    He¡¯s too good of a person.


    I¡¯m pulled out of my thoughts by the clapping and cheering of those around me.


    Sara finds Freyja and me and waves at us when she comes out with the rest of the band. Her excitement nearly makes her jump off the stage when her girlfriend blows her a kiss.


    ¡°Keep it in your pants,¡± Cody tells her, using the mic to make sure everyone hears. He sits down on the chair behind it.


    ¡°It¡¯s more packed since the last time I came to one,¡± Freyja says.


    ¡°It¡¯s only natural,¡± I reply the same time Cody begins his introduction.


    I heard it plenty of times and don¡¯t have to listen as it¡¯s never much different. Sara plays a chord and it begins the shows. I immediately recognize the song as it¡¯s one of my favorites from Cody¡¯s album. He has a way to make his voice seem so fluid that his complex rhymings don¡¯t feel out of place. It¡¯s talent and how he was recognized and signed so early when he first started.


    In the middle of his shows, Cody likes to take a break and do freestyles by asking the audience for various topics and prompts and tries to make it all relate to each other. It¡¯s my favorite part because he does it so well it seems like he already had it written down.


    I yell for him to rap about pandas when he asks. Someone else suggests water, a garbage truck and naps. Cody is somehow able to tell a story about a panda who works as a garbage man to pay for clean water in his panda village because all the other pandas take too many naps to work.


    For the second round of suggestions, Andrew¡¯s voice in the crowd yells out, ¡°Walking home in the rain!¡± It takes me by surprise. As far as I know, Cody and Andrew should still hate each other¡¯s guts. It¡¯s within Andrew¡¯s character to show up and cause havoc but if he¡¯s here, that could also mean¡­


    ¡°Spiderwebs!¡± Emily says from within the crowd.


    Cody looks over to the direction her voice came from, near where Andrew¡¯s was towards the front. He¡¯s not as shocked as I thought he would be. He glances over towards the next suggestion then repeats them all to make sure he remembered them all.


    I thought it was impossible for something like this to happen. Everyone is back in the same place now again, within feets of each other. Freyja and Andrew are the only sense of familiarity while I wait outside. I never got to know Jerrica all too well. Emily might as well be a stranger with how long we haven¡¯t talked and I never met her boyfriend, Sora. Yet we¡¯re all outside the venue, waiting for Cody and Sara to come out.


    It¡¯s been three years since Emily cut all of us out of her life. She cut away her childhood sweetheart and best friend, Cody, just to escape. I know Andrew told us they¡¯re here for a wedding of a cousin of the sisters, but what could have changed for her to come back?


    Emily gained a considerable amount of weight since we first met and plenty more since the last time I saw her. She used to always wear oversized clothing to hide her skinny body. Anorexia was a side effect from her chronic disease she had her entire life. Leaving the state was the best decision she ever made. She shouldn¡¯t have come back.


    Sara finally steps outside and wastes no time and runs over to her former best friend and gives her a bone breaking hug.


    Like Emily never cut her off from her life too.


    ¡°She doesn¡¯t even hug you that tightly, Fey,¡± I say but only loud enough for her to hear.


    ¡°Like she doesn¡¯t even love me,¡± she sighs.


    Sara nearly tosses Emily away to turn her attention to Jerrica, the woman who tamed her brother. ¡°I don¡¯t know if I should thank you or slap you.¡±


    Jerrica laughs, accepting Sara¡¯s hug. ¡°It was his idea to keep it in the dark. He didn¡¯t want to have you depend on each other by staying in contact too much.¡±


    ¡°I know. It¡¯s good to see you again. I hope he hasn¡¯t driven you too crazy,¡± she giggles then turns to introduce herself to Soran.


    Cody walks out at that moment.


    ¡°We were going to the cafe if you all want to join us,¡± Cody suggests, skipping introductions.


    ¡°Hell yeah we¡¯re in! We gotta catch up, Cody-kins!¡± Andrew jumps excitedly.


    Jerrica pinches the bridge of her nose, ¡°You¡¯re so loud,¡± she sighs.


    ¡°That sounds good to me,¡± Emily accepts with a small and endearing smile.


    Emily¡¯s been growing out her red hair since I last saw her. It¡¯s nowhere near the length and fluffiness I associate her with and no longer dyed to be more crimson. She sits on the same side of the booth with her boyfriend, sister and Andrew. I sit directly in front of her, with Sara and Freyja next to me and Cody in the far end.


    Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.


    I can¡¯t be the only one who feels just how awkward all of this is.


    ¡°You guys arrived a few days ago, right? Our mom thought you¡¯d pay a visit by now. She¡¯s has been dying to see you again, Jerrica. She wants to hear it from the woman herself,¡± Sara asks.


    Jerrica looks over to Andrew and can¡¯t stop herself from blushing when she does. From how I remember Jerrica, this is unusual. ¡°That¡¯s the thing, We were going to visit yesterday but¡­¡±


    ¡°Nevermind that, sis,¡± Andrew interrupts. ¡°Cody, you were dope as a fuck. I should have caught you when you were in New York.¡±


    I catch Emily taking a glance at Cody. I don¡¯t dare to find out if he notices too.


    Emily and Cody didn¡¯t end with any good terms. The destruction of their relationship was the result of Elizabeth¡¯s hand. Two people destined to be with each other but never could.


    ¡°I¡¯m glad you didn¡¯t,¡± Cody chuckles.


    Jerrica slaps Andrew¡¯s chest. ¡°No, let me finish! I would¡¯ve Sara but this dumbass had to make it complicated.¡±


    ¡°What did he do this time?¡±


    Andrew rests his head on his palm with a giant grin.


    ¡°Nothing, it''s just¡­I have to get myself mentally ready.¡±


    ¡°For what?¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re engaged,¡± Andrew blurts out without a care in the world.


    My side of the booth breaks apart with each our own form of disbelief. I think I¡¯m the only one who doesn¡¯t react as much. Sara nearly jumps out of her seat, Freyja¡¯s mouth drops then congratulates them and Cody breaks out with laughter.


    ¡°Since when!?¡± Sara yells.


    Jerrica hides her cheeks in embarrassment. ¡°A few days ago. That¡¯s why I haven¡¯t stopped by.¡±


    This is how Andrew gets back at us from my mom ruining his surprise.


    I want to be more surprised than I am.


    I¡¯m too empty to be as shocked as I want.


    ¡°We¡¯ve been fucking day and night,¡± Andrew laughs.


    ¡°I thought it was a joke when we found out, Emily finally speaks.


    ¡°Isn¡¯t it a little bit weird that Andrew¡¯s with your sister?¡± I ask her.


    ¡°Little bit,¡± Emily giggles. She glances over to Cody for a fraction of a second but I still catch it. ¡°I¡¯ve gotten used to it.¡±


    ¡°I haven¡¯t,¡± Jerrica sighs.


    ¡°Well? How did he propose?¡± Freyja asks the question we¡¯re all now thinking. Knowing Andrew, there¡¯s no limit to how crazy or absurd the way he did it.


    ¡°With no ring and in our hotel room,¡± Jerrica laughs. ¡°Worst proposal ever.¡±


    ¡°And you accepted?¡±


    Jerrica and Andrew look at each other. It¡¯s the same way Sara and Freyja look at each other. There¡¯s a sense of comfort and safety that I see from it. I¡¯m not familiar with ever looking at someone like that, not in that way. Not in the way where everything else could be burning but it''ll be okay because they¡¯re there.


    ¡°Well I love him, so why wouldn¡¯t I?¡±


    I don¡¯t know how it feels to be in love.


    Any time I get close, it just isn¡¯t the same as what I see others have. Like how Sara and Freyja look at eachother. How Andrew and Jerrica look at each other.


    I don¡¯t even feel that way with Alex.


    I stay silent while the table booth gradually becomes more comfortable with each other and becomes the loudest one in the building. The ringing on my ears comes back and so does the growing ache of this void I always carry. It¡¯s just like on my birthday dinner.


    No one pays attention to me. Everyone is too busy catching up with Emily after the topic changes towards her. It¡¯s hard to pay attention.


    I¡¯m more focused on why I want them to look at me. Unlike on my birthday, the day isn¡¯t about me so I shouldn¡¯t want it to be. It can¡¯t be attention is all I crave. That¡¯s not what causes the emptiness to grow. There¡¯s something else, something I¡¯m missing.


    It¡¯s something I know that I lost, but I forgot what. I never forget.


    Emily steps out for a moment after a while for a quick breath of air. I follow her outside. She hasn¡¯t said a word to Cody and vice versa and I am wondering why the hell she¡¯s even here. No one has asked that yet and I can¡¯t ask in front of Cody.


    ¡°I know I said it before, but damn, I barely recognize you, Gracie,¡± Emily compliments me.


    ¡°Why are you here?¡± I ask her bluntly.


    Her smile drops and crosses her arms. ¡°I¡¯m here for a wedding. Or are you asking why am I here?¡± Emily waits for my nod before continuing, ¡°A lot can change in three years. I can¡¯t run away forever.¡±


    ¡°It took him a long time to get over you,¡± I cross my arms too. I love Emily, but she should have never come. ¡°You don¡¯t get to come back like it¡¯s fine.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not, Grace. But we¡¯re adults now. I didn¡¯t come uninvited. We ran into each other last night. I came to see you and Sara more than anything.¡±


    Cody didn¡¯t tell me he ran into her. Why would he invite her knowing how much she hurt him? I was the one who had to help him rebuild the mess she left behind. I thought he was over her.


    ¡°What about never coming back here again?¡±


    ¡°Remember how I said Darkwood corrupts everyone who lives there? I always blamed it on everyone like I wasn¡¯t also part of that everyone. I didn¡¯t want to admit I was part of the problem. I¡¯m sorry that I didn¡¯t. I only wanted to make myself believe I was a good person.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I know. You took pity on me because of it.¡±


    Emily sighs and drops her arms, ¡°It took me a long time to accept my mistakes too. It¡¯s a miracle how you ended up where you¡¯re at now. You¡¯re lucky to have a heart strong enough to not allow you to end up how we did. I shouldn¡¯t have gotten you involved with us.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not luck. I¡¯m just smart enough to not repeat everyone¡¯s mistakes.¡±


    ¡°Well now that we¡¯re here, I gotta ask. How are you in the boys department?  I bet there¡¯s no shortage of options just how I said there would be.¡±


    ¡°Single on an empty road.¡±


    ¡°Shut up, there¡¯s no way I believe that. Look at you.¡±


    ¡°All the other cars are driving on the other lane. There¡¯s no car to share the road with.¡±


    ¡°Oh,¡± Emily laughs. ¡°Anyone who used to?¡±


    I shake my head. ¡°Maybe, one, but that¡¯s over now.¡±


    ¡°Now I know you¡¯re lying.¡±


    I bring my hands together and stretch my arms upwards. ¡°I guess I¡¯m just that bitch. But no, plenty of guys have tried, but no one I liked back. I don¡¯t get crushes easily, is that weird?¡±


    ¡°Little bit,¡± Emily laughs. ¡°I¡¯m kidding. It just means that whoever captures your heart will truly be someone special.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t think so. Feels like I wasn¡¯t born capable of finding them.¡±


    ¡°What you think and what you feel are two different things,¡± she smiles and makes her eyes a bit more focused on mine. ¡°But I bet you already know that.¡±


    ¡°What about Cody? Didn¡¯t you say he would always be your true love?¡±


    Emily looks up at the starless night. ¡°We were in love, but what an inconvenient time it was.¡±


    ¡°Do you hate Elizabeth for breaking you guys up?¡±


    ¡°I might have at one point, but it¡¯s been years. I was forced to become a better person because of her, so I have to be thankful for that. Who knows how miserable I would be if I was still living in the bubble I was in.¡±


    ¡°How could you know that?¡± I ask at the same time Emily looks back straight ahead.


    ¡°No, Grace, she just called us out on our bullshit. She called me out on my bullshit. She just gave us the truth. We were forced to face that reality.¡±


    ¡°So you don¡¯t hate her? Even after everything that happened after?. Emily, you got shot. You could have died. That¡¯s why you left. This town is cursed.¡±


    ¡°What happened three years ago wasn¡¯t her fault. We shouldn¡¯t have been there in the first place. Even so, thinking the town is cursed is letting fear win. A lot has changed.¡±


    ¡°Is that what you¡¯re back? Are things that much different?¡±


    ¡°Maybe not everything else, but I am. I¡¯m older. I see things differently now. When I was your age, I thought I had it all figured out, boy was I wrong. I think I was just angry and scared that I couldn¡¯t change if I didn¡¯t leave for good.¡±


    ¡°What if it wasn¡¯t a good idea to come back? I catch you looking at him, y¡¯know?¡±


    ¡°Relax, Gracie,¡± Emily''s smile is put back up. ¡°We haven¡¯t seen each other in three years, of course I¡¯m going to look. He¡¯s much different from who he was. He¡¯s changed  a lot too. It¡¯s just nice to see him, is all. I¡¯m happy enough with Soran. I¡¯m able to be here because of him.¡±


    ¡°Not gonna randomly announce you¡¯re engaged too, are you?¡±


    Emily catches herself on the wall from falling with laughter. ¡°Not at the moment, no.¡± Ems takes a moment to collect herself. ¡°C¡¯mon, I had enough fresh air.¡±


    ¡°Yay, I love being smothered in awkward tension,¡± I follow Emily back inside.


    ¡°Since when did you get so funny?¡± Emily giggles.

 X: Anthonio

    Saturday morning


    I met Aylin through sheer coincidence because I know her brother, Felix. I took over his job of babysitting on Saturdays when he had to move out of state for his job. Since then, we kept in contact through video games although that ended when I stopped playing. We¡¯ve been talking again now that I started again.


    I owe a lot of Felix. He¡¯s good at sorting my thoughts whenever I can¡¯t think clearly.


    I wish he could visit sometime so I can get everything off my chest. It¡¯s been three years since he left and three years seems to be a common occurrence. After all, the world was supposed to change back then. Our lives were supposed to change. Things were supposed to get better.


    Now I can¡¯t help to think we¡¯re back to square one.


    Today, The nine-year-old Helen doesn¡¯t stop begging me to take her to the zoo. I have no justifiable reason not to now that I own a car. Over the week, she¡¯s gotten obsessed with hippos and won¡¯t shut up about them. Her energetic smile doesn¡¯t waver as she tells me everything about them on the drive there. She tells me some things that I didn¡¯t know, like how hippos don¡¯t actually swim and sort of skip underwater. Or how despite looking fat, they¡¯re actually quite dense in muscle. Helen is like a little zoo guide but exclusively for her favorite animal.


    She almost bolts straight to the exhibit but I stop her from running too far.


    ¡°Don¡¯t you want to go see everything else first?¡±


    Helen shakes her head and I have to bring her down from leaning over the railing of a bird exhibit. ¡°But I want to be there when they¡¯re fed!¡±


    I flip one of the zoo¡¯s guide pamphlets to the hippo section. ¡°They tell you when they¡¯re going to be fed. We have another hour.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s so long.¡±


    ¡°Well good thing we have a whole zoo to explore,¡± I laugh, taking hold of Helen¡¯s hand and begin walking the trails.


    Helen doesn¡¯t bother reading each exhibit¡¯s plaques and signs about the animals, but I do. I¡¯ve never actually been to a zoo before. All the exotic animals didn¡¯t feel real until now. It¡¯s fascinating, honestly. There¡¯s so many species and every animal is so diverse. It¡¯s beautiful. It¡¯s amazing how all of this is possible.


    Nature is beautiful.


    Life is.


    There¡¯s so much more than my little world and problems. I¡¯m tiny compared to it all. I might not even matter in the grand scheme of things. I¡¯m just another human that fills this world. And humans poison this earth. There¡¯s no avoiding it. We all do it one way or another.


    I think it¡¯s pointless to try and minimize the damage I do. The damage is done.


    But coming to the zoo makes me believe that it¡¯s not all so bad. There¡¯s so much beauty here. It still exists.


    Maybe it still exists within me.


    ¡°You okay?¡± Helen nudges on my hand.


    ¡°Huh?¡± I shake my head to pull out of the trance. My hand wipes away a single tear on my cheek and I rub it between my fingers. Why did it fall?


    ¡°Are the red pandas that cute?¡± Helen asks, probably asking because I¡¯ve been staring at this exhibit far longer than any other.


    ¡°Hippos aren¡¯t the only cute animals.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, but no one else is cute and cool.¡±


    ¡°Snow leopards are cute and cool.¡±


    ¡°What makes them cooler than regular leopards?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. We could always see them and find out. Want to go there next? We can see your hippos right after.¡±


    Helen nods and runs off without giving me a warning. This time, I keep my distance but never far away enough to break line of sight of her. She ignores all the exhibits we pass by until we get close to the cat¡¯s enclosure.


    Helen stops, noticing another girl walking into the exhibit. She grabs the girl''s attention and enters the cat¡¯s exhibit together. Helen is already chattering up by the time I catch up. The two girls don¡¯t care or notice that I stand behind them while they press their faces against the glass.


    ¡°Look at that one. It¡¯s a kitty!¡± Helen gasps. ¡°It¡¯s so cute!¡±


    ¡°I wonder if I can convince my mom to get me one,¡± The other girl says after.


    ¡°I told you they were cute,¡± I make my presence known.


    Helen turns towards me along with the other girl. ¡°Gracie, this is Adanismee. We go to class together. Isn¡¯t it cool that she¡¯s here too?¡±


    ¡°I know it was a good idea to come today,¡± Adanismee says, looking at me like she¡¯s been expecting me. No, that isn¡¯t it. I just find it weird because she isn¡¯t breaking away from staring.


    ¡°This is Grace. She babysits me.¡±


    I take a quick look around and don¡¯t see anyone that might be the girl¡¯s parents. There was no one around her when Helen ran up to her. ¡°Are you here alone?¡± I ask the slightly shorter girl.


    This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.


    Adanismee nods. ¡°You don¡¯t have to worry about me. My mom always knows where I am.¡±


    ¡°Isn¡¯t that careless of her?¡±


    ¡°A bit,¡± Adanismee giggles. ¡°It¡¯s okay. She doesn¡¯t like to be out in public.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I have never seen her. The kids at school think she doesn¡¯t exist,¡± Helen adds.


    Helen is the only kid in Darkwood that doesn¡¯t go to school there. She attends a private school in Seattle. While Aylin makes enough as a single mother, It¡¯s all thanks to Felix that she¡¯s able to send her daughter to a privileged school. It¡¯s better this way. Helen won¡¯t grow up in a system designed to ruin her.


    But even a well off parent wouldn¡¯t leave their child without supervision.


    ¡°Is she picking you up?¡±


    Adanismee nods again then turns her attention to the exhibit. ¡°Did you see your hippos, Helen?¡±


    ¡°Not yet! You should come with. They¡¯re gonna feed them watermelons soon.¡±


    Adanismee¡¯s face is sour. There hasn¡¯t been much expression from her before but it¡¯s like she¡¯s disappointed now. ¡°So it was your idea to come to the zoo today?¡±


    ¡°Yup!¡±


    ¡°Huh.¡±


    ¡°Is something the matter?¡± I ask her.


    Adanismee¡¯s pupils move to the corner of her eyes to look at me without moving her head. ¡°I thought you came because you woke up.¡±


    ¡°I did wake up, silly,¡± Helen laughs.


    Helen¡¯s friend becomes eerily creepy with that statement. There¡¯s something off about her. She certainly doesn¡¯t act like a nine year old. Adanismee is a complete contrast to Helen. Helen runs around without a thought in her head, this girl is always in thought. She also looks at me like she knows me.


    ¡°You¡¯re a creepy girl,¡± I tell her.


    ¡°Only because you haven¡¯t felt it.¡±


    ¡°And what¡¯s that supposed to be?¡±


    The creepy girl moves her eyeballs back to the cats. ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter until you do. Or maybe it matters that you haven¡¯t. I¡¯ll find out.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re not beating the creepy girl allegations,¡± I cross my arms.


    ¡°Micheal told you to stop saying weird stuff like that, Isme.¡± Helen presses her face against the glass again. ¡°Wait, why didn¡¯t he come with you?¡±


    ¡°No, seriously, why are you alone?¡±


    Adanismee takes hold of Helen¡¯s hand and leads her away. ¡°C¡¯mon, I wanna see the hippos with you.¡±


    ¡°You read my mind,¡± Helen laughs.


    I sigh, scratching the back of my head wondering how I ended up in this situation. I¡¯m responsible for the safety of a kid now I don¡¯t even know. The correct thing to do is tell someone and get someone more qualified involved. I would do just that if Helen didn¡¯t know her. There¡¯s no need to complicate things just yet.


    The two girls ignore me as Helen repeats everything for Adanismee that she told me on the way here. Helen goes into further detail and even into the hippos¡¯ history that it attracts other kids around her to listen in. A small crowd of kids and parents gather around her.


    A mother of one of the kids taps me on the shoulder, ¡°Must be nice to have a little sister interested in learning.¡±


    ¡°Oh,¡± I giggle, ¡°She¡¯s just like that. She¡¯ll find something else to obsess over next week.¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t even get my son to pay attention to anything,¡± the mother smiles. ¡°It¡¯s always roulette when it comes to kids, am I right?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I nod and I¡¯m left alone after that.


    Adanismee tugs on my shirt while Helen because too focused on sharing what she knows to the other kids. ¡°My mom is almost here. Can you take me to her?¡±


    ¡°I thought I shouldn¡¯t worry about you.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯ll make you feel better, right?¡±


    ¡°Where are you supposed to meet her?¡±


    ¡°Outside. Parking lot.¡±


    ¡°Look! Look Look!¡± Helen cuts my attention by pointing at the exhibit. The zookeepers give each of the hippos a watermelon to crunch on like it¡¯s nothing more but a berry. ¡°They can crush a head open just like that!¡±


    ¡°Thanks for the image,¡± I giggle.


    Helen is completely fascinated. Hippos are such a random animal to obsess over but I guess it¡¯s fine. It¡¯s a better one to have than her phone the weeks prior.


    ¡°C¡¯mon, we gotta go. Adanismee¡¯s mom is here.¡±


    ¡°Aw, can¡¯t you stay a little longer?¡±


    ¡°I saw what I was looking for,¡± the odd girl shakes her head then grabs hold of my hand. Helen gets to my other side and grabs onto my other. ¡°Lead the way, Miss.¡±


    I stay silent while I let the two friends be friends and talk as I take them outside. Adanismee doesn¡¯t share the same enthusiasm as Helen, but I can tell she likes her company. I wish I had a friend like Helen when I was a kid, just someone who was fun to be around and didn¡¯t care how weird I was. Hell, I wish I had a friend in the first place.


    I never did get to experience what everyone else had, did I? Not even something simple like going to the zoo. Mom never could afford to pay for the field trip.


    Adanismee lets go of my hand and runs off the moment she spots her mom waiting for her by the parked car. She waves back at us, yelling, ¡°Thanks again! I¡¯ll see you soon!¡± and wastes no time getting in her mom¡¯s car. Her mom is staring at me, standing outside with the door open.


    ¡°Bye!¡± Helen waves back.


    The girl wasn¡¯t talking to Helen.


    I continue to make my way towards the car, but the mother doesn¡¯t bother to wait for me. She gets inside the car before I can come close to introduce myself.. She should at least thank me for watching over her kid.


    This entire past hour has been weird.


    The mom dressed exactly how a stereotypical kidnapper from those warning videos would. She had a baseball cap over her hair, hid her eyes with sunglasses and the rest of her face with a facemask. A trench coat covered her entire body even though it''s the middle of June. The only thing that made her look any differently than a kidnapper was the coat was white and not an ugly beige or brown.


    Adanismee has not beaten the creepy girl allegations.


    Her mother gives me the same energy.


    We decided to end the trip there and I bought her some ice cream being sold nearby.


    ¡°Just who was your friend today?¡± I ask Helen when we get back inside my car.


    Helen makes sure she puts on her seatbelt before answering. ¡°That¡¯s Micheal¡¯s sister.¡±


    ¡°The boy you like?¡±


    ¡°Yeah!¡±


    ¡°Is it normal for her to be alone?¡±


    ¡°Mhmph, they''ve been like that ever since their dad died.¡±


    ¡°So it¡¯s just their mom?¡± I start the car but don¡¯t move my eyes away from Helen with the help of the rearview mirror. ¡°Wouldn¡¯t you be scared if your mom or I left you alone all by yourself around a bunch of strangers?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, but Adanismee is so cool and can take care of herself. She¡¯s super duper smart too.¡±


    I lightly press on the pedal to back out of the parking spot but a jolt of electricity shocks my foot away. Another flash pops into my head and makes me wince. It¡¯s not the night Elizabeth died this time. It¡¯s never deviated from that memory before. This one was from the Fourth of July, three years ago. The night that was the culmination of what Elizabeth left behind.


    I went home early, before everything would happen.


    I relive the phone call from Sara, telling me Emily¡¯s been shot. She told me Chris lost his mind. But she also told me that everything will be okay now.


    ¡°You okay?¡± Helen asks me.


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I pull myself together and drive out of the spot properly this time.


    This entire day has been weird.

 XI: Take Five

    Saturday night


    My mom slaps Andrew across the face the second he walks in the front door without notice. Jerrica stops her other hand from slapping his other side. The slap was loud enough for Sara to pause the movie she¡¯s watching.


    ¡°That¡¯s not how you say hello, Virginia,¡± Jerrica says, releasing my mom¡¯s hand.


    ¡°Engaged?! You¡¯re too good for him, Jerrica.¡±


    ¡°We were going to tell you first,¡± Jerrica sighs. ¡°I should have known he couldn¡¯t keep his mouth shut.¡±


    ¡°Why even entertain it?¡± Andrew rubs his cheek. ¡°That¡¯s on you, Jer-bear.¡±


    My mom didn¡¯t slap Andrew out of anger but as a reflex from frustration. She hates his spontaneous and reckless decisions. She hates that Andrew proposed so lackluster more.


    Sara gets up from the couch and sits next to me on the dining table. ¡°You should be happy that some else can tolerate him, Mother.¡±


    Mom takes a deep breath to calm down. ¡°Welcome in, Jerrica. It¡¯s nice to see you again.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s mutual,¡± she smiles. ¡°Your hard work didn¡¯t go unrewarded.¡±


    Andrew chuckles and flops down on the couch. ¡°Don¡¯t give her credit. Virginia didn¡¯t do anything.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t make me regret saying yes.¡±


    Mom turns to face Jerrica, ¡°I¡¯m assuming you haven¡¯t planned anything yet? Do you even have a date in mind?¡±


    ¡°No, nothing¡¯s planned. Realistically, it won¡¯t be for another few years. I have one year left in law school and Andrew is still in the middle of pre-med. None of us will have the time anytime soon.¡±


    ¡°Could always elope,¡± Andrew suggests.


    ¡°And with what money? We can¡¯t rely on my mom since you insist on never convincing her that you¡¯re likable.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m more than welcome to help.¡±


    ¡°Virginia, please. I could never ask. You¡¯ve done enough. You don¡¯t have to bend over backwards.¡±


    ¡°Can I borrow some money?¡± Andrew chuckles.


    Both Jerrica and my mom lightly slap his leg in annoyance.


    ¡°Well, dinner¡¯s almost ready. I¡¯d love for you two join us. Maybe I can bounce some ideas with you, I always dreamed of being a wedding planner. I never got the chance to follow it,¡± Mom walks over to the kitchen to check on what she¡¯s cooking.


    ¡°I never knew that. Our wedding could be the perfect chance to fulfill that dream,¡± Jerrica gasps then leans over to her fiance to say. ¡°On your best behavior, you promised.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yeah.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s like he¡¯s your puppy,¡± Sara laughs.


    ¡°Sometimes it''s the other way around,¡± Jerrica giggles and joins our mom in the kitchen.


    She has lived in New York with her mom ever since their parents got divorced. Emily stayed behind, but joined her midway of my first year. I only got to know Jerrica for a total of a couple days during the summer when she visited, three years ago.


    Seems like that three is becoming relevant again.


    I got the impression that she was more stoic than her sister. Jerrica was much more serious and also much more sure of herself. She walked around like it had purpose. That summer was when she met Andrew and fell in love for the first time.


    Three years later, Jerrica hasn¡¯t changed much. Her posture makes it seem like she¡¯s the adult in the house, like she¡¯s older than my mom. She has this power that allows her to keep Andrew in line. There¡¯s only one woman who Andrew would submit too and it was her.


    But Andrew is also her weakness.


    Like in the cafe last night, Jerrica sometimes breaks out of character during dinner. Andrew has the power to make Jerrica drop her guard and make her blush like she has a schoolgirl¡¯s crush. I¡¯m unable to find a pattern. Sometimes he says a joke that breaks right through her or unexpectedly says something romantic.


    Most other times, Andrew just annoys Jerrica. She tolerates it more than she teases back.


    I don¡¯t get it.


    How they look at each other never matches how they act. It¡¯s nothing like how I see Sara and Freyja interact. I get it that not everyone is so lovey-dovey, but Jarrica makes it seem like it¡¯s an arranged marriage despite the few outliers.


    But what would I know?


    I never had a boyfriend.


    I¡¯m single.


    I always have been, with the closest I¡¯ve gotten was with Alex but that¡¯s now dead in the water.


    I thought I loved Cody, but I know now that was only because I took the attention he gave me the wrong way. My feelings for him have faded and I couldn¡¯t be more glad. We couldn¡¯t stay friends if they didn¡¯t.


    The only other guy I developed a crush on was Yuele, but that quickly disappeared within the hour we met.


    I haven¡¯t had a crush on another guy except for those three. It¡¯s one of the many things that is wrong with me. I don¡¯t like to think about that very often. It¡¯s not an easy thing to admit.


    I could easily get a boyfriend whenever I wanted. I don¡¯t have the heart to ever get in a relationship just for the sake of knowing how it feels like. It wouldn¡¯t be right of me. Any guy I string along is never intentional and always on them for getting their hopes up. I make sure to tell them that so they don¡¯t. It took me a while to realize that I was only raising my value in their eyes, that I was worth more, and I was doing it to myself.


    If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.


    Exclusivity made me exceptionally desirable.


    People want what they can¡¯t have.


    But the problem is that I¡¯m the same way.


    It would be much easier if I was a regular girl and could develop crushes.  I can have any guy I want but it wouldn¡¯t mean anything to me. It would be easier if I wasn¡¯t wary of people¡¯s feelings. Sometimes I hate that I¡¯m unable to be that selfish.


    Mom leaves for work after dinner and Sara takes Andrew outside so they could talk in private. I¡¯m left alone with Jerrica who¡¯s been busy cleaning the dishes despite her being our guest and it should be my job. This could have been avoided if the dishwasher worked, but mom doesn¡¯t have the money to get a new one.


    ¡°You¡¯ve been quiet all night,¡± Jerrica eventually comments on it after putting away the last plate. She stretches before sitting in front of me. ¡°Something on  your mind?¡±


    ¡°No, nothing,¡± I shake my head.


    ¡°Don¡¯t bullshit me, Grace. If Andrew can¡¯t lie to me, neither can you.¡±


    ¡°Do you really love Andrew? He gets on your nerves more than he makes you laugh.¡±


    ¡°Is that all?¡± Jerrica almost laughs, resting her head on her palm. ¡°I do. I know it¡¯s not conventional, but it¡¯s ours. It doesn¡¯t have to be anything else. You¡¯ll understand what I mean one day. I didn¡¯t until I had it.¡±


    ¡°How could you ever fall in love with him?¡±


    Jerrica shrugs, ¡°You¡¯re actually asking me how I can excuse all the terrible things he¡¯s done.¡±


    ¡°Has he told you everything?¡±


    Jerrica subtly nods with her eyes closed. ¡°He told me what he did to you, rather, what he didn¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°You know about that¡­?¡±


    The night when Andrew took me to my first rave. He could have taken advantage of me. I was letting him. He didn¡¯t.


    ¡°Did he tell you why?¡± I say.


    ¡°I think it¡¯s better if you hear it from him. He wants to talk about it. He says it''s one of the many things he has to do to feel like he deserves me. He wants to apologize.¡±


    ¡°How do you feel about it? What if he went through with it?¡±


    ¡°Not to sound coldhearted, but I wouldn¡¯t care. It¡¯s that he didn¡¯t that I care about. When he¡¯s ready, he¡¯ll tell you.¡±


    I sigh and pull out my phone to see all my notifications. I did it only to give myself a small distraction and break from Jerrica¡¯s gaze. This subject has also been in her mind a lot. That¡¯s the only reason why she would bring it up, but I don¡¯t know why.


    ¡°I have to go,¡± I stand. It¡¯s about time I should leave to go to the Jazz Club.


    ¡°Before you do,¡± Jerrica stops me. ¡°I just gotta tell you. I didn¡¯t figure shit out at your age either. I still haven¡¯t, and that¡¯s okay. To put too much pressure on yourself.¡±


    I don¡¯t like it when people can tell something is bothering me. Not many people can. I guess Jerrica is one of those people. Otherwise, she wouldn¡¯t bring all that up. I don¡¯t have time to dwell on it. I mean, I could, I have a whole hour while I drive to Seattle, but I can just sing along to my favorite songs to keep my mind off it.


    The name of the Jazz Club I frequent is called Midnight Ave. I made friends with the upstairs bartender and it''s where I always spend my time before heading downstairs. Nia doubles the amount of any alcohol in my orders and in return, I tip her plentifully. She finds it amusing to eavesdrop whenever I¡¯m approached, and I find it fun to talk about it with her afterwards. I call her friend, but I don¡¯t have her contact information. I¡¯m lucky she hasn¡¯t asked, else she would find out she¡¯s been serving an underage girl this entire time.


    But I think in a place like this, it¡¯s not a big deal.


    Cranberry Vodkas are my favorite, but tonight, I¡¯ve been feeling Gin and Tonics. They¡¯re so bitter and nasty and so hard to drink. I power through them and eventually find that they get easier to swallow further along. Once the room starts to be a bit wavy, the alcohol becomes smooth.


    A man sits a few stools next to me right before I get up to head downstairs. Except he¡¯s not a man and I recognize him. Short but shaggy brown hair and awkward beard stubble along with his horribly small framed glasses. I haven¡¯t seen this guy in over a year.


    This is Frank Muse.


    We used to go to school together before he moved in the middle of our Junior Year. He¡¯s the quiet type, always keeps to himself and hardly has any friends. No sense in fashion and doesn¡¯t have many points in the look department. He always hung out in the library and not anywhere else.


    Everyone thought he was a weirdo.


    ¡°You¡¯re the last person I expected to run into here,¡± I sit next to him.


    Frank only moves his eyes to see me, ¡°You¡¯re not allowed to be here,¡± he says.


    ¡°Neither are you,¡± I giggle. ¡°Frank, how have you been? You sort of just disappeared.¡±


    Frank doesn¡¯t have social media or any online presence. Nobody knew he moved away until months later. The worst was assumed; sick and twisted rumors to paint him in a bad light. A punching bag.


    ¡°You¡¯re still annoying.¡±


    ¡°How?¡± I ask.


    But I don¡¯t need an answer, I already know.


    Nobody liked Frank because he wasn¡¯t the easiest to get along with. Out of everyone in our school, I was the only one who consistently talked to him. We shared a class together and always stuck with him during that hour. I made it my personal mission to get to know him and bring him out of his shell, even just an inch. Sometimes, I would visit him in the library during lunch. It took months for his complaints to leave him alone to stop.


    Frank doesn¡¯t answer so I ask, ¡°I didn¡¯t know you like jazz. Do you come here often?¡±


    ¡°I wouldn¡¯t be here if I didn¡¯t. You¡¯re the odd one out.¡±


    ¡°Hey, I like jazz. It¡¯s growing on me,¡± I giggle. ¡°I¡¯m glad I ran into you, I was worried about what happened to you.¡±


    ¡°No you weren¡¯t,¡± Frank scoffs, staring down his drink. ¡°You only talked to me because you were scared.¡±


    ¡°Scared of what?¡±


    ¡°Me shooting up the school.¡±


    That comment gets Nia¡¯s attention. She pretends to be doing something else with her back turned but her ear is slightly turned towards us. I take a drink out of embarrassment.


    ¡°Were you?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± Frank chuckles. ¡°You were wasting your time for nothing. I¡¯m not who everyone thought I was.¡±


    ¡°Then who is Frank Muse?¡±


    Frank swirls around his drink in the glass.  He then shrugs with an ice cube in between his teeth.He still hasn¡¯t turned his head to look at me. ¡°You¡¯re so disingenuous. Why do you keep trying to be my friend?¡±


    ¡°Who said that¡¯s what I¡¯m doing now?¡±


    ¡°You wouldn¡¯t talk to me if you weren¡¯t.¡±


    I take a sip of my Gin and Tonic, ¡°Maybe if you weren¡¯t so negative all the time you would see me differently.¡±


    Frank finally twists his head to look at me. ¡°Nobody owes you their attention, Grace.¡±


    ¡°Glad you haven¡¯t changed,¡± I laugh.


    ¡°You haven¡¯t changed either. You always look at people like you¡¯re analyzing every single detail about them. You¡¯re doing it right now,¡± Frank takes a big swing from his drink. He waves his finger at Nia to make him another.


    Nia raises her eyebrow at me, asking me if I¡¯ll be alright through that signal. I wink, letting her know I¡¯m okay.


    ¡°And here I thought we could catch up,¡± I sigh. ¡°I was just surprised to see you here. You don¡¯t have to get all defensive.¡±


    Frank finishes the new drink Nia places in one swing. ¡°I didn¡¯t ask you to talk to me. I come here all the time. This is the first time you noticed.¡±


    ¡°Do you dislike me that much? Frank, I was the only one who gave a shit about you in school? I¡¯m the one who defended you whenever you got shit and made fun of.¡±


    ¡°Did you?¡±


    ¡°Well, maybe I shouldn¡¯t have,¡± I roll my eyes, twisting my body to face the bar and not Frank. ¡°You should have told me you hated me from the start.¡±


    ¡°You shouldn¡¯t be virtue signaling to begin with.¡±


    I finish my drink, order another and then close out my tab. I came here for a distraction but it¡¯s been made worse.


    I¡¯ve never been any less than nice to Frank and this is what I get in return. I only talked to him because I felt bad for him. Everyone made jokes about him behind his back but I knew they weren¡¯t true. I could see through people. Frank isn¡¯t creepy or weird as everyone believes. I thought if our classmates saw how comfortable I was around him, they would leave him alone.


    I begin to doubt if that¡¯s all I did it for.


    Once again, the emptiness inside me grows. It¡¯s ever so expanding and contracting but never disappearing. It¡¯s a numbness, like static and it prickles inside so uncomfortably. I¡¯m lucky that it doesn¡¯t hurt like the days before.


    I say my goodbyes and head towards the basement. That¡¯s why I came here to begin with.

 XII: Brighter Side

    Sunday


    I can barely look at my reflection on the window in the building I¡¯m heading inside. It¡¯s distorted, transparent and hollow, just how I am. The city¡¯s ambience gets replaced by shouts, grunts and mats being hit when I enter. Everyone in the muay thai gym is doing their drills, except for Cody. He¡¯s sparing someone.


    Cody smiles at me when the training is over. I wave back and wait for him to get ready to leave.


    I drop him off at his mom¡¯s house first so he can grab the keys to his treehouse. I stay inside my car as his mom isn¡¯t home. I¡¯m glad she isn¡¯t. I¡¯d just spent the entire day talking to her if she was. I just want to spend the entire day with Cody, something we haven¡¯t done in ages.


    I lower the window and stick my head outside to stare at the sky.


    Besides the rain at the end of May, it hasn¡¯t rained since. The rain stopped, but the clouds never left. The rain has been edging me. Today¡¯s the first day I¡¯ve seen a hint of a blue sky. The forecast is saying all the clouds will go away in a day or two but I don¡¯t want them too. I want it to rain again.


    Cody jingles his keys to alert me he¡¯s finished. The path to his treehouse is easiest through his backyard.  I get out and follow him into the forest fencing his house. Cody leads with a 6-pack case of beer he brought out.


    Darkwood is a small town that encircles a forest like a crescent moon.. On the west is the school and what I guess could be called downtown. On the north is where I live, in a cul de sac similar to where Cody used to live. On the south is where the poorer houses are.  The only official entrance to the forest is a trail that leads to a campsite. The campground is where all the seniors hang out if there isn¡¯t anything else to do. Nobody goes further past this place.


    I used to get lost every time I ventured deeper into the woods. I only become familiar with the area once I find the notable landmarks to use as guides. There¡¯s also the subtle man made trails from the frequent visits. Somewhere in the middle of the woods there¡¯s a large boulder with a small stream that curves around it. It¡¯s trivial to find it now.


    With a skip over the stream is a more noticeable footmade trail that heads east. The journey used to end after another five minutes of walking. The original treehouse used to be at the end of it. It used to belong to Cody and Emily, built when they were kids, but that¡¯s long been destroyed. A lightning strike during one of the worst storms to ever happen. There¡¯s nothing here anymore. It¡¯s now another landmark to use on the way deeper east and into the mountains. A new treehouse waits right before reaching the hills.


    Cody has spent the last three years building another one. Born from a gigantic and deformed tree, the house is split into two, much like the trunk. On the ground, the main cabin serves more as an actual house. Part of the trunk runs through it, before splitting and reaching towards the sky. Another, smaller, cabin is supported by the branches and various wooden logs connected to the ground. Cody unlocks the front entrance with the keys he got from his house.


    The day his childhood treehouse burned down was the day he could finally begin to move on from Emily.  He insists that this one, the one that replaced it, is proof that he has. I¡¯ve pointed out many times to him that it¡¯s contradictory. He would have never built it in the first place if he had. I told him it¡¯ll forever be a reminder of Emily. But for him it serves more of a symbol of what he rebuilt instead of trying to keep what was already lost. I have to believe him in that.


    The inside of the cabin is empty as it¡¯s only been recently finished. There¡¯s no furniture to make it anything more than just a box. There¡¯s only two rooms, the other meant to be a small bedroom. In the middle, where the tree trunk splits up is a ladder and a hatch that continues up towards the cabin above. There¡¯s no door there but a balcony on one of the sides where we can hang our feet over. Like his old treehouse, these walls are covered in Polaroid photos. Those used to be taken by Emily. Still moments of Emily and Cody¡¯s time spent growing up together. These new ones were taken by Cody. There¡¯s not a lot yet, but it¡¯ll eventually add up. He pins the wall with the photos he took on his latest tour.


    ¡°Did you meet someone on tour?¡± I ask him, examining each and every new one.


    All of them are scenic places, of his bandmates, of one''s where he¡¯s in the middle of performing. There¡¯s never been one where a girl is the focus, except for the last he pins. Cody never mentions if he¡¯s ever dating somebody. I¡¯m drawn to this anomaly, further curious as to why she¡¯s covering her face with her hands.


    Cody nearly sits his chin on my shoulder to see what I¡¯m talking about. ¡°Oh, that¡¯s my producer. She doesn¡¯t like having her picture taken.¡±


    ¡°You could at least lie. When¡¯s the last time you hooked up with a girl?¡±


    ¡°Do you really want to know?¡±


    ¡°Nevermind.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s what I thought,¡± Cody laughs, moving to the other side and sits over the balcony. ¡°Weird of you to ask.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. Maybe you¡¯re being a creep and hitting on my friends now that they¡¯re 18,¡± I joke knowing it makes him uncomfortable. Maddie has had a crush on Cody and always asks me to put in a good word for her. I think it¡¯s funny.


    ¡°I¡¯m sure you would know if I was, Ms. Queen Bee,¡± Cody laughs. ¡°How¡¯s it feel to have more followers than me and by doing nothing?¡±


    ¡°Feels great, actually,¡± I sit next to him.


    We¡¯re high enough where it¡¯s dangerous if we fall. There¡¯s nothing below to break the fall unlike anywhere else. My legs are subtly shaking, but I¡¯m stronger than my fears.


    ¡°Must be nice being a girl.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s the best.¡±


    There¡¯s a lull of silence.


    With everything that¡¯s been going on, I thought it would be nice to come here to think about it all. Cody has been a sort of mentor. Cody¡¯s been watching over me ever since I¡¯ve known him. When Emily wasn¡¯t there to be my friend anymore, he was the one who guided me. I followed him around like a puppy cub and a misguided schoolgirl crush. Cody has always been my protector.


    This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.


    He¡¯s the only male role model constantly in my life. Cody¡¯s similar to Felix in that regard, only Cody wasn¡¯t the one to teach me how to be liked. Cody didn¡¯t teach me how to become a storm, to never feel weak again.


    Cody was part of that weakness, but only because I didn¡¯t like that I wasn¡¯t anymore to him than an annoying little sister to him. I couldn¡¯t see why we worked better as friends. As soon as I understood that, I lost my feelings and I couldn¡¯t be more glad. I didn¡¯t even know why I liked him so much.


    But looking back at it now, I liked him because he was the first boy to ever pay attention to me. Yeah, that¡¯s what it was. It¡¯s taken me this long to figure that out. It¡¯s never been more obvious. He was just looking out for me and I twisted it to mean deeper.


    ¡°You make a great dad.¡±


    Cody almost breaks the wooden rail in a burst of laughter. ¡°A dad? What are you talking about, Gracie?¡±


    ¡°Tell me I¡¯m wrong. You¡¯re basically my dad.¡±


    ¡°It sounds so wrong when you say it like that,¡± Cody continues to laugh. I can¡¯t help but to join. ¡°I guess I¡¯m glad you see me that way.¡±


    ¡°Ew, I didn¡¯t say I see you as my dad, weirdo. You¡¯re only three years older than me. I mean, you know how I grew up. You taught me alot that I lacked. You¡¯re there for me and you never ask for anything in return.¡±


    Cody hands me a beer from the box. ¡°You¡¯re a great girl, Grace. It¡¯s been a pleasure to be your friend.¡±


    Speaking of getting over feelings, Emily¡¯s back. I haven¡¯t talked about it to him, but Emily mentioned they ran into each other before Cody¡¯s show.


    ¡°Did any of your old feelings come back?¡±


    ¡°With Emily? Not really,¡± Cody says, opening a beer bottle for himself. I use the part of the wooden rail in front of me to open mine.


    ¡°That night sure was awkward though.¡±


    Cody chuckles, then drinks a fourth of his bottle. ¡°Sure was.¡±


    ¡°Why did you invite her?¡±


    ¡°She asked.¡±


    ¡°Do you still hate Elizabeth for breaking you guys up? You would have been married by now if she didn¡¯t.¡± I ask, catching up to Cody in volume consumed.


    ¡°What happened, happened.¡±


    Since childhood, Cody and Emily had a promise to marry each other when they¡¯re 21. Well they¡¯re that age now and that promise can¡¯t be kept.


    Cody is able to look at you like he could see into the soul. His eyes became my prison cell whenever they examined me. I was locked away the second I first saw them. I wasn¡¯t the only one. Cody¡¯s popular among girls because of his eyes. It was these eyes that captivated Elizabeth into dating him.


    It was those eyes she twisted into making him believe they were evil.


    Cody blamed himself above everyone else for Elizabeth''s death. Although he was childhood sweethearts with Emily, he still chose to date Elizabeth for that last summer. It didn¡¯t matter because of the end of the day, Cody and Emily knew they would end up with each other.


    Elizabeth inserted herself into Cody¡¯s friend group because they didn¡¯t judge her. She felt safe, but in that safety, she was hurt the most. Elizabeth¡¯s spiral began when she found out Cody¡¯s promise with Emily. Emily was who told her. She was jealous and wanted to hurt Elizabeth. Well Elizabeth twisted it into thinking Cody was only using her.


    ¡°I¡¯m not saying you should blame her. But maybe it''s time to admit that she did it on purpose. She cheated on you with Andrew and blamed it on you. She made you believe you were something you¡¯re not, that you manipulated everyone just for fun. She made you believe that you could treat Emily however you wanted. She made Emily believe that.¡±


    ¡°But she was right. I did like the attention I got from the girls. She showed me that I never saw Emily as a person. I was being awful to her.¡± Cody sighs. ¡°Emily was right to leave. I have to be grateful for that. It made me a better person.¡±


    Even if that was true, he was never that Cody who became my best friend. At least for me.


    ¡°Is that how you can forgive her?¡±


    ¡°Why are you bringing this up now? You¡¯ve been staring off into space all day, is everything okay?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m just tired of¡­¡± I don¡¯t finish when I spot a person below with the corner of my eye.


    Speak of the devil.


    Cody noticed before me and stands up. It¡¯s Emily, and she¡¯s observing everything around her. Cody¡¯s gone by the time she looks up and spots me. She waves and says hi to me. I should have gone with Cody, but my leg didn¡¯t want to move.


    Cody meets her below where I can barely see the two.


    ¡°What are you doing here?¡± He asks.


    ¡°Cody. Hi,¡± she replies but I can barely hear her. ¡°I wanted to see if you actually built another one like you said. It¡¯s better than I imagined.¡±


    ¡°Quite the coincidence to come when I¡¯m here too.¡±


    ¡°Maybe,¡± Emily giggles. ¡°I should¡¯ve asked first. It was rude of me.¡±


    Cody doesn¡¯t say anything for a moment. They¡¯re too far away to see their faces too. I stand up and lean over the balcony to get a better view.


    ¡°Did you visit your dad?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± Emily nods. ¡°He¡¯s the same as ever, like I never left. I¡¯ll be staying with him for the next couple of days.¡±


    ¡°I thought you were staying in the city.¡±


    ¡°I was. I just need to give Jerrica some space. It¡¯s hard to be around her right now.¡±


    ¡°Why?¡±


    ¡°Andrew hasn¡¯t been himself the past couple of days. He stopped talking to Jerrica for some reason. I think there¡¯s going to be a huge fight and I don¡¯t want to be there when it happens.¡±


    The ringing in my ears came back. Emily and Cody continue to speak but I¡¯m unable to hear them anymore. It¡¯s happening again. It¡¯s overwhelming me and freezing me in place. It¡¯s like I¡¯m not even here.


    The world won''t stop revolving around the sun even if I was.


    I don¡¯t exist.


    I don¡¯t know who I am. I don¡¯t know what I want. I don¡¯t know what I¡¯m missing.


    I don¡¯t know what is wrong with me.


    I was born defective.


    The best I¡¯ve been able to do to fix it is finding comfort that I¡¯m so similar to Elizabeth. But I¡¯m not. I never was. I will never be her but pretend to be. It¡¯s my identity but I¡¯m no good otherwise.


    Once I calm myself, the ringing stops.


    ¡°How mad would your mom be if I showed up to her house out of the blue?¡± Emily asks.


    ¡°I¡¯m sure it¡¯ll be fine. She might scold you in Spanish for a bit, but she¡¯ll be happier than mad.¡±


    ¡°Can I convince you to be with me so it could be less awkward?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯ll only get the wrong idea. It¡¯s your mess to clean up, don¡¯t get me involved.¡±


    ¡°Fair, fair,¡± Emily laughs. ¡°I¡¯m being selfish again. There¡¯s a lot of things I gave up that I don¡¯t deserve back. I¡¯m sure your mom still hates me.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t be so hard on yourself. She understands why you left. I¡¯m the one she hasn¡¯t forgiven,¡± Cody awkwardly laughs.


    It¡¯s the pause in between his laugh and her giggle that stands out. I don¡¯t have to be near them to feel it, to feel that subtle tension.


    It¡¯s the same tension I had between Alex and I. There was always something there, but for whatever reason, could never be. No matter how hard I tried, I¡¯ve become difficult to hold.


    I am not an easy girl to want, at least not for Alex.


    He said he likes the old me, but I don¡¯t ever want to be her ever again. I¡¯ve been holding on to this thread of hope that someday will end up together. That¡¯s never going to happen now, will it? It¡¯s impossible. He¡¯s asking for someone who doesn¡¯t exist. The old Grace won¡¯t ever come back.


    They say if you love something you have to let it go, right?


    What happens after?


    I¡¯ve been carrying some hope that Alex would randomly text me and tell me he changed his mind. I¡¯ve been hoping that I¡¯ll be proven wrong and that I wasn''t born defective.


    I¡¯m losing my mind.


    I have to let that go.


    Cody managed to let Emily go. Emily managed to let go. They forgave Elizabeth. They changed. Things are different now. Things can change. I can let go of Alex too.


    And maybe I can stop hating Elizabeth too.

 XIII: Secrets on Our Lips

    Monday


    What Emily mentioned about Jerrica and Andrew immediately gets answered. Jerrica stopped by in the morning asking if we knew what was going on with Andrew. She didn¡¯t know he was already with us. His calmness was apparent but wasn¡¯t too out of character.


    None of us were prepared with what Andrew says to Jerrica, to us, his family.


    My mom slaps him so hard that it leaves half his face red. It startles me. She begins to cry. Mom never cries. She isn¡¯t like me, she¡¯s strong.


    Sara doesn¡¯t say anything. She¡¯s disappointed that her worst fears are true, but she isn¡¯t surprised. I¡¯m not surprised either. We already figured and just hoped we were wrong.


    Andrew has always been plagued by ghosts. He caused pain for fun. He was a drug dealer. We knew who he was involved with. Andrew wanted to self-destruct. Murder never was a line he wouldn¡¯t cross.


    Sara and I already talked about it. Both of us pay more attention to Jerrica.


    She hasn¡¯t reacted yet.


    Andrew doesn¡¯t say anything else.


    It makes no sense for Andrew to come clean that he has killed before. It¡¯s been a week since he proposed to Jerrica. Surely, that¡¯s over now. Andrew is self-destructing again.


    What happened?


    Jerrica takes a deep breath, moving her eyes at each one of us one at a time before finally stopping at Andrew¡¯s. He can¡¯t look at her. He can¡¯t look at any of us.


    My body tenses when Jerrica walks up to Andrew. I expect another slap, hard enough for me to wince from the sound. Instead, Jerrica tugs on the bottom of his shirt. ¡°C¡¯mon. Let¡¯s just go home,¡± she says so softly.


    ¡°Are you just not going to say anything?¡± My mom almost screams.


    Jerrica shakes her head. ¡°You don¡¯t have to make him feel worse than he already is.¡±


    Andrew¡¯s eyes widened, surprised and maybe a bit scared. ¡°Jer-bear, I¡­¡±


    ¡°Just shut the fuck up, Andy,¡± Jerrica sighs, taking hold of his hand. ¡°Did you think I didn¡¯t know?¡±


    ¡°But I¡­¡±


    Jerrica nearly headbutts Andrew¡¯s chest. She lets her head rest there for a moment. ¡°I thought I told you, you don¡¯t have to fight anymore. I love you, Andy. I¡¯m so proud that you had the courage to tell us but you¡¯ve already proven you changed. I don¡¯t need anything else.¡±


    Jerrica takes Andrew away before my mom can find the strength to scream. She doesn¡¯t speak to us and disappears into her room.


    Sara and I stand in silence. Jerrica¡¯s response just as much makes no sense. Murder was the one thing Andrew kept from her and she didn¡¯t care. No logical person would forgive their partner after being told something like that.


    I follow Sara up to her room once the initial shock goes away.


    All I¡¯m left with is a blurry vision that makes it hard to see. It¡¯s as if I¡¯m not wearing my contacts anymore.


    ¡°He was ready to let go again¡± Sara sits down on her bed and covers herself around her pillows.


    I sit on the edge. ¡°What do you think will happen next?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± Sara shakes her head. ¡°I can¡¯t remember the last time Mom got so mad.¡±


    I do.


    ¡°Did he say anything to you about what Andrew¡¯s thinking? Why would he do that?¡±


    Sara lowers her head. ¡°Not really. Last we talked was Saturday. He wanted me to tell him everything he missed out on,¡± Sara pauses. ¡°I guess he did say something a little bit odd before we got back home.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°He told me out of all the things he regrets, there was only one thing he would change. Remember when I told you how I got close to Elizabeth?¡±


    I nod.


    I know the story. Sara and Elizabeth were friends for a single class during Sara¡¯s freshman year. Elizabeth was in the process of becoming the Queen Bee and was crafting who she wanted to be. Sara was in the middle of figuring out she¡¯s a lesbian. They¡¯re friendship ended when Sara kissed her. Elizabeth thought it was too much and they stopped talking to each other. She couldn¡¯t afford any rumors coming out. That wasn¡¯t the perfect sculpture of Elizabeth.


    If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    Because Sara was in Cody¡¯s friend group, they began to talk again once Elizabeth started to date him. They reconciled over the summer. Sara¡¯s the one who convinced Ellie to try cocaine for the first time. That¡¯s what Sara blamed herself for. That is what she did to have guilt over.


    ¡°Remember when I finally came out to Andrew only to find out that he already knew?¡±


    Sara only stayed inside the closet for as long as she did because she was afraid of Andrew finding out. For the longest time, we all thought he was a homophobe. He bullied anyone who wasn¡¯t straight and that made Sara scared that Andrew would hate her. They were what kept each other held together from completely falling apart. They relied on each other since their mom died and the abuse from their father.


    Sara couldn¡¯t afford to lose him.


    There was never a need to keep that secret away from her brother. Andrew only pretended to be prejudiced because he found it funny. Sara was never given a choice but to believe her brother was genuine.


    ¡°Elizabeth knew all along,¡± Sara looks away. ¡°Andrew told her. ¡±


    Her fear of Andrew figuring Sara¡¯s secret became a looming threat when a girl who didn¡¯t like her was trying to expose it. This girl was one of Elizabeth¡¯s best friends, one who betrayed her. Elizabeth wanted revenge and saw an opportunity with Sara. She found a way to kill two birds.


    She convinced Sara to pretend to be straight.


    Elizabeth convinced Sara to fuck this girl¡¯s brother. Ellie could get back at her former friend, and Sara could hide from Andrew. This plan worked in all ways except for the worst. Sara was forced to put on this charade. Sara tortured herself. On top of what was going on at home, it brought Sara to her own suicide attempt.


    Elizabeth knew that she didn¡¯t have to keep it a secret this entire time and still let it happen.


    Sara admits that without a hint of anger in her voice.


    ¡°How can you say that so calmly? Don¡¯t you hate her? She knew and still used you for her petty revenge.¡±


    ¡°I was using her just as much. She was crying for help. I knew but didn¡¯t care. I wanted to make her feel sorry for me just to make myself feel better. I wanted her to know my pain was worse. She was the first person I told about what my dad was doing to me. There¡¯s two sides to everything, Grace.¡±


    ¡°She was a horrible person. She took so much from you, Sara. And you¡¯re still forgiving her?¡±


    ¡°I did hate Elizabeth at one point. You¡¯re right, she took a lot away from me. I would have been able to tell Andrew about our dad sooner if she told me. Maybe I wouldn¡¯t have tried to kill myself too. But she also gave me you. You and Virginia. Freyja. I have to be grateful for that.¡±


    ¡°It sounds like you¡¯re grateful that she died.¡±


    ¡°Why would I ever be grateful for such a thing? I¡¯m thankful for the good that managed to happen afterwards. No matter how dark it gets, light will always manage to find its way through.¡±


    ¡°Is that how you¡¯re able to be so strong?¡±


    ¡°Strong?¡± Sara giggles. ¡°I¡¯ve never been strong, Gracie. I just survived. I¡¯ve been given everything and there¡¯s still days where I don¡¯t want to.¡± Sara sighs. ¡°We all do bad things. Sometimes the guilt catches up to you. We need the support of our loved ones to help us through it when it does.¡±


    ¡°Elizabeth couldn¡¯t live with what she did either,¡± I remind Sara. ¡°She died to atone, no?¡±


    Today is proof that Andrew couldn¡¯t live with it either.


    Sara shrugs, ¡°Because she was alone.¡±


    Sara gets up and heads over to her desk where she looks around for a minute. ¡°All Ellie wanted was to have someone love her despite all her flaws. Everyone was using her for their own selfish reason, eventually, we did too. Everyone betrayed her in the end.¡±


    My sister hands me a Polaroid photograph once she finds it. It¡¯s one many that Emily used to take. It''s a group photo of Elizabeth and them with big smiles. The background is blurred but can tell it was taken at a party. Elizabeth looks especially happy, looking the most sober out of the group.


    ¡°She trusted us. We just couldn¡¯t see what we were doing to her and it killed her. How many other people were just like her and needed help but couldn¡¯t have it? I was lucky to be given it. Sometimes I feel guilty that I have such a wonderful life. Andrew feels the same way. We gotta be there for him.¡±


    ¡°Andrew¡¯s a murderer,¡± my voice deepens. ¡°How is that okay? Can we really forgive that?¡±


    ¡°The only one who is trying to figure that out is Mom. I¡¯ll talk to her. I¡¯ll get her to understand. Everything will be okay.¡±


    Everything will be okay. When will that come?


    I get up from the bed with my ears ringing. My vision¡¯s only gotten more blurry and I¡¯m nauseous. What about me? I was never given a chance to be protected from this cursed town. I¡¯ve been playing pretend that I¡¯m not just like everyone else. In doing so, I became someone I don¡¯t recognize in the mirror. Who is Grace Ciotta but another girl destined to fall from the heavens?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t like it when I¡¯m compared to Elizabeth. She still did terrible things. Am I really that much like her?¡±


    Sara grabs hold of my hand but she¡¯s too blurry to tell what else she¡¯s doing. ¡°You¡¯re nothing like her. Has it been hurting your feelings? I¡¯m sorry. I never meant it in a bad way. I''m just so proud of you. You¡¯ve been through so much and you haven¡¯t let it destroy you. Elizabeth had this light that was comforting. Yours is similar.¡±


    Sara sits me down. Sweat has been building up and makes contact between my skin and clothes, soaking them. I want to throw up. I can¡¯t think straight. Too much happened in a short amount of time.


    I can¡¯t control any of it.


    ¡°I think it¡¯s just been a kind reminder that it¡¯s not all bad.¡± Sara pauses. She walks back to her desk and grabs something else. It¡¯s tissues. ¡°You¡¯re sweating. Grace. I know a lot has been going on,¡± she says, wiping away the sweat off my forehead. ¡°I can cancel my plans with Fey if you want to spend the day together.¡±


    Everyone has moved on. They left the past in the past and found a new future. I¡¯ve been carrying that shadow and been pretending it¡¯s mine. I carry this light that isn¡¯t mine. I molded it to be mine because that¡¯s the only way I could move on too. It¡¯s always been artificial. That¡¯s what Alex meant. It¡¯s not me. Elizabeth was just as fake as everyone around her. Aren¡¯t I just the same? I don¡¯t want to be an Elizabeth clone. I¡¯m not her. I don''t hurt people intentionally.


    But aren¡¯t I just lying to myself when I say that?

 XIV: Sun Space

    Tuesday


    I¡¯m not religious. It just doesn¡¯t make sense to me. It''s the belief that there¡¯s comfort in life after death. Its belief that there is a God who will make things better if we pray. It¡¯s stupid. But what other option do I have when I can¡¯t find anything else? Who do I turn to when I¡¯m my biggest enemy?


    I sit on the bench of the town¡¯s only church. I¡¯m the only one inside. Alex might be in the back and I hope that he isn¡¯t. I still don¡¯t want to see him. I have nothing to say to him. I¡¯m just here because I thought it¡¯ll make me feel a little bit better.


    I don¡¯t even know how to pray? What should I even pray for? It¡¯s not even going to work.


    I¡¯m just here to find any comfort I can.


    I open my eyes when a finger taps on my shoulder. To my side is the church¡¯s pastor, Alex¡¯s and Freyja¡¯s father. Cancer has destroyed his body. He looks nothing alike to the man I first met. At least his appearance can match his personality now.


    ¡°I didn¡¯t expect you to come, Grace,¡± He says.


    ¡°I¡¯m just passing time, really.¡±


    ¡°No one comes here to just pass time.¡±


    ¡°I guess I¡¯m the first,¡± I smirk.


    The pastor takes a seat next to me. ¡°I lived in this town my entire life. I¡¯ve seen it all. It¡¯s difficult for something to surprise me. You manage to do it every time we meet.¡±


    ¡°It was a joke.¡±


    ¡°I think you misunderstand.¡±


    ¡°Well I really am here to pass the time.¡±


    The pastor laughs. ¡°Are you sure you¡¯re just wasting time?¡±


    I don¡¯t answer.


    ¡°You¡¯re not the first one to come here looking for help. I¡¯m more than happy to listen, I owe it to you after all.¡±


    The pastor sighs then smiles, staring at a cross hanging above the altar. ¡°I misunderstood many things in my life. I had been led astray from what truly matters in life. I¡¯m very thankful that I¡¯m able to live clearly now.¡±


    I giggle nervously, ¡°What are you talking about?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m grateful to God for giving me the strength to beat my cancer. I¡¯m able to seek the best out of his children such as I was graced to be. That kindness is meant for the world.


    Mr. Elledge isn¡¯t who I remember him being like. I always found it weird how Sara became comfortable going over to Freyja¡¯s house all the sudden. He blamed his cancer on Fey¡¯s sexuality. Mr. Elledge forbade the relationship and then suddenly, poof, he welcomed it. That didn¡¯t change after he got diagnosed with it for a second time. His eyes were hollow when I first met him. They had a little bit more life the second time. Today, they¡¯re glimmering. People don¡¯t change that quickly.


    ¡°Aren¡¯t you bitter that you were given cancer twice now?¡±


    ¡°Bitter? Yes. I¡¯m only human.¡±


    ¡°Aren¡¯t you angry at God for it?¡±


    ¡°I used to be very angry, yes, but not at God. My family suffered because of it. It came from my ignorance of what I couldn¡¯t understand. I was bound to my beliefs and blind to how it was corrupted. I¡¯ve come to learn that the writings of man are not sufficient to interpret the word of God and Jesus Christ.¡±


    ¡°What changed?¡±


    The pastor looks at me and smiles. ¡°I would like to understand why.¡±


    Freyja opens one of the doors from the side rooms and spots us. She¡¯s confused as to why I¡¯m here, but smiles that I am.


    ¡°So you just woke up one day and it all changed?¡± I say as Fey starts to walk towards us.


    If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.


    Mr. Elledge looks at his daughter with a loving smile, ¡°It wasn¡¯t sudden, but it gave me my daughter back. I¡¯ll pray for you to come to the understanding of how it could.¡±


    ¡°Now this is rare,¡± Freyja says.


    ¡°We were just talking about you.¡±


    ¡°Actually, I¡¯m just here because Sara asked me to pick you up,¡±


    ¡°I thought she¡¯s with Andrew today.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m joking.¡±


    ¡°Freyja, do you remember the day I invited Sara over for the first time?¡± Her father asks.


    Fey smiles fondly. ¡°Sure do! I was sweating through my clothes. I didn¡¯t know why you would ever do that.¡±


    ¡°Grace and I were just talking about that. She would like to know how I was able to open my heart in a way I never thought possible.¡±


    Freyja tilts her head at me. ¡°Oh I see. Dad, do you mind if I talk to Grace alone?¡±


    Mr. Elledge chuckles then gets up and lets Fey take over his seat. ¡°I¡¯ll leave it to you then,¡± He says then disappears somewhere behind the altar.


    ¡°Fey, I don¡¯t know what he¡¯s talking about. I was just curious that he¡¯s nothing like I remember him being.¡±


    ¡°Did you know Sara came here too just like you did? It was the first time Sara and my dad talked. She thinks he only did because he never recognized her, but he did. I always thought that''s when he changed.¡±


    ¡°Okay, and?¡±


    ¡°When did you first meet my dad?¡±


    It was the summer right before my Junior Year. Sara and Fey were forced to be separated back then. Sara fell back into a deep depressive episode.


    ¡°My mom and I were driving back home when she saw him collapse on the stairs of the church. She stopped to help.¡±


    ¡°He called your mom a sinner for housing Sara, huh?¡± Freyja laughs.


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I giggle. ¡°Didn¡¯t even thank her.¡±


    ¡°Did you ever say anything to him?¡±


    I shrug. ¡°Not really. I just told him that for an all loving God, the people who believe in him sure are bigots. But I just said that out of frustration from the whole situation.¡±


    Freyja looks down at her hands and begins to play with them. ¡°Then Sara found herself here a few weeks after.¡±


    ¡°What about it?¡±


    Freyja smiles and shakes her head. ¡°Nothing. I have always been meaning to ask that. Why are you here, Grace?¡±


    ¡°I wanted to try something new.¡±


    ¡°Mhmm. Okay. Don¡¯t you want to talk about Andrew? Or is it my brother that¡¯s bothering you?¡±


    ¡°Nothing¡¯s bothering me, Fey. Don¡¯t make assumptions of why I¡¯m here.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t mind it when you lie to me. You can lie to whoever you want, just don¡¯t lie to yourself.¡±


    I scoff.


    ¡°God will answer your prayers if you don¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°I gotta get home,¡± I stand. ¡°I¡¯ll keep that in mind.¡±


    What did I even expect from coming here? It only made me feel worse. Everyone around me gets to be happy. I¡¯m the only one who¡¯s not allowed. It¡¯s not fair. I don¡¯t deserve to be this miserable. I stand up and Freyja grabs hold of my fingers and gently nudges down.


    ¡°Can I tell you something that I haven¡¯t told Sara?¡±


    I sit back down. It¡¯s not my business so I should decline.


    ¡°Elizabeth came here for guidance one night too,¡± Fey looks at the cross with a faint smile. ¡°She walked all the way here in the pouring rain. She was lost and desperate. This place was her last resort. She died three days later.¡±


    Freyja always was Elizabeth''s friend but was never as close as the others. Fey didn¡¯t like their clique but stuck around just to be around Ellie. She would let Elizabeth treat her anyway she wanted if it meant having her attention. It¡¯s why she put up with the ridiculous nickname of Jana Kramer for so long. All Fey wanted was her friendship. She was happy enough with that. She was in love with Elizabeth. Freyja was the most devastated when her unrequited love died. She believed it was a punishment from God. Sara¡¯s the reason Fey was able to move on.


    ¡°What happened that night that you haven¡¯t told Sara?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve been in love with Ellie since we were kids. I used to pray every night for her to feel the same. I did it knowing that I was going against everything I believed. I grew content with her just being in my life. That was enough. But then all of our friends revealed her true colors. I tried to stop her from becoming friends with Sara and her group after. I knew they weren¡¯t good for her.  I tried being there for her to let her know she wasn¡¯t alone. After everything that happened, she came to me. I was all she had left.¡±


    Freyja looks down, frowning with her lips twitching as she does.


    ¡°What happened that night, Freyja?¡±


    ¡°She cried in my arms.  I walked her home,¡± Fey pauses. She looks me somberly in the eyes. ¡°She said she was in love with me. She asked me to stay.¡±


    But Freyja didn¡¯t.


    ¡°What if I did?¡±


    ¡°Why are you telling me?¡±


    Fey smiles. ¡°I was scared that my prayer was finally answered. I was scared of what would happen if I accepted it. That¡¯s the regret I live with.¡±


    Freyja¡¯s just another person Elizabeth destroyed. She¡¯s another person who manages to pick up all the pieces that were broken and put them together better than how they were. I couldn¡¯t. Some of mine have disintegrated. I¡¯m incomplete, replaced by those that aren¡¯t mine. But I¡¯ve always been incomplete.


    ¡°What made Sara different that you weren¡¯t afraid?¡±


    ¡°She doesn¡¯t get all the credit,¡± Freyja giggles. ¡°You were there too.¡±


    I tilt my head.


    ¡°I couldn¡¯t heal alone. Nobody can.¡±


    ¡°Did you love Elizabeth even after all she did?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°Even if she was never worthy?¡±


    Freyja holds my hand. Her fingers are much longer than mine. They¡¯re softer. ¡°That¡¯s what I¡¯m getting at Grace. It¡¯s okay if you¡¯re conflicted about Andrew. You¡¯re not a bad person to love what others find unworthy. Everyone needs help.¡±


    Andrew? This isn¡¯t about him?

 XV: The camara doesnt lie, but you do

    Wednesday


    The clouds have been teasing me again. They were supposed to be gone by now, yet they remain. They¡¯re thicker than ever. Petrichor, the earthly scent of rain, can be smelt before it begins to pout. The earth yearns for the rain to fall, but it never does. I don''t want anything more than for the rain to drown this town. It will wash away the sins. It¡¯ll allow for new life to bloom.


    In Darkwood¡¯s public park downtown, there¡¯s a hill large enough to see most of the town under it. I sit right on top of it and try to focus my eyes from making everything blurry. I¡¯ve been up here all day since I left my house this morning. I¡¯m not even up here to think. I just want this shit feeling to go away. I don¡¯t even know what it is at this point. I can¡¯t be happy.


    I stopped talking to everyone because they¡¯re a reminder that I¡¯m not who they think I am.


    I stopped hanging out with my friends because it¡¯s not enjoyable anymore. I don¡¯t want to ruin their time with my negativity.


    I just need to figure myself out real quick. I  can¡¯t let them know just how shitty I feel. Until then, I¡¯m left with the farce that everything¡¯s alright.


    I put the facade that I¡¯m doing well on the internet. I upload a post to get the likes and the comments. I don¡¯t even want that anymore. I¡¯m tired. I¡¯m exhausted. I¡¯m lost.


    I want to disappear.


    Maybe I¡¯m just overthinking. I should be grateful for everything I have now. Everyone else is. All their lives are for the better, including mine. So why doesn¡¯t it feel that way?


    I get the likes, the comments and the DM¡¯s. This validation used to make me happy. It was confirmation of who I worked so hard for. I wanted to be loved by everyone to make up for how I wasn¡¯t. I relished it. It was my confidence, my mask.


    I was proud to sit on Elizabeth¡¯s throne because it made everyone forget how everyone used to see me.


    But now I can¡¯t escape her. She haunts me. She¡¯s pulling me. I¡¯m always connected to her in some way. I don¡¯t want to be. I¡¯m not cruel. I¡¯m kind and gentle. But what if that also has been part of the mask I wear? What if I have just been pretending that I don¡¯t have hate in my heart?


    My post gets shared. The likes quadruple from what¡¯s usual. An account with over a million followers reposted. My own follower count starts to explode again. I¡¯m not anyone special. I¡¯m not pretty. I¡¯m not beautiful. I don¡¯t deserve all of this. I don¡¯t deserve the amount of people following.


    Alex sits next to me on top of the hill. I pretend he isn¡¯t there. He doesn¡¯t say anything to me either. Alex stares at what I¡¯m staring at, whatever that might be. Everything in front of me is out of focus like I have my contacts off.


    Why is he even here? I don¡¯t want him to be. He hasn¡¯t apologized. He¡¯s a constant reminder of my insecurities. He¡¯s a blade pressed against my neck. But now that he¡¯s here, I can let him go. He makes me weak. I don¡¯t want to be weak.


    Alex lies down with his hands behind his head. His leg brushes against mine in the process and apologizes. The wind passing through makes it hard to hear. The kids playing and screaming below in the playground drown him completely out.


    It¡¯s summer, and I¡¯m 8 again.


    I¡¯m in the playground and I¡¯m swinging on the swingset. A group of kids are playing a game of tag in front of me. Their parents are around, but not mine. Mom is working and won¡¯t be home until it¡¯s time to go to bed. And Dad is dead.


    The grasshoppers are chirping. The air is dry and there¡¯s no clouds to stop the sun from cooking the ground. The Ice Cream jingle is somewhere far in the distance. Some of the kids are still finishing the popsicles that they bought.


    Everyone in the playground knows to stay away from me.


    I¡¯m eight years old and I can¡¯t wait to grow up.


    I¡¯m eight years old and can¡¯t wait for a day where I wouldn¡¯t be so alone.


    Why did I think about that?


    ¡°What are you doing here, Alex?¡± I finally ask him.


    ¡°I was walking home from the church when I spotted you here, Grace. You¡¯ve been ignoring me for hours now.¡±


    ¡°What do you want?¡±


    Alex sits up. ¡°I¡¯ve been thinking of what I said. I should have been clear on what I wanted to happen. I let it get too far and gave you the wrong idea. I¡¯m sorry. ¡±


    Stolen story; please report.


    ¡°No, you were right. The Grace you like and the Grace I am aren¡¯t the same. I¡¯ve been pretending that they were. I killed that version a long time ago.¡±


    ¡°Is everything alright? Tina and Liz keep nagging me for putting you in such a bad mood. They miss you.¡±


    ¡°What part of me do you hate the most?¡±


    Alex scoffs in disbelief. ¡°I don¡¯t hate you.¡±


    ¡°Then why can¡¯t you accept who I am? Why aren¡¯t I enough?¡±


    He doesn¡¯t answer. Alex drags his butt to sit in front of me and stares at me, unsure how to respond. My eyes move from the town and into his eyes but I still don¡¯t see anything but another blur.


    ¡°Okay. Let me say it better this time. When I see you, Grace, I see how much you put up with to be someone you¡¯re not. The Grace I knew would never do that. It¡¯s not that I think you¡¯re not good enough, it¡¯s just¡­I used to see this sparkling aura around you. It¡¯s been fading,¡± Alex pauses. ¡°It¡¯s fading just like¡­¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not her!¡± I scream.


    I cover my mouth with my eyes wide open, but Alex doesn¡¯t react.


    ¡°I know you¡¯re not,¡± He says gently. ¡°But I think, deep down, I¡¯m scared that you don¡¯t think that.¡±


    ¡°Do you hate her?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re the only one who does anymore.¡±


    ¡°Elizabeth destroyed Freyja. I can¡¯t ever forgive her for that.¡±


    I laugh. It¡¯s not forced. I genuinely laugh.  ¡°You have a weird sister complex for Fey.¡±


    Alex laughs too, ¡°Can¡¯t help it. Not after what she¡¯s been through.¡±


    ¡°What did I do that makes me not good enough for you then?¡±


    ¡°You mean don¡¯t you remember?¡±


    ¡°I remember everything.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ve been acting like you don¡¯t do anything wrong. Grace, you¡¯re doing everything she did. I know about all the ecstasy and coke you do. You¡¯re hiding it from everyone.¡±


    ¡°How do you know that¡­?¡±


    ¡°You pay more attention to people when you like them.¡±


    I scoff, wiping my hands on the rough grass. ¡°That¡¯s it? So what? That¡¯s not the worst thing she did. Are you scared that I¡¯ll do much worse?¡±


    ¡°You did forget. You broke my heart, Grace.¡±


    ¡°What are you talking about, Alex?¡±


    ¡°You knew I liked you and you still fucked Edgar. I was about to ask you out too. He¡¯s my best friend, Grace. That was fucked up,¡± Alex sighs, rubbing his eyes.  ¡°I was going to give you another chance but then you fucked Brent too. I was done after that.¡±


    I didn¡¯t forget about that. Is that all that this was about?¡±


    ¡°And you acted like it was nothing. Like you didn¡¯t even consider how it would make me feel.¡±


    I involuntarily laugh again. ¡°I never fucked Edgar. I never fucked Brent either.¡±


    Alex lifts his head up from his arms and my eyes focus for the first time in hours. His face becomes clear. I¡¯m able to breathe.


    ¡°Why would they both lie? Edgar would tell me the truth.¡±


    ¡°I did them both a favor. Brent wanted to ¡®win¡¯ the break up with Mei. That¡¯s all there was. We lied.¡±


    ¡°And Edgar?¡±


    ¡°He got with his girlfriend soon after, no? Would she have paid him any attention if she didn¡¯t think he could pull me? I asked them both to tell you the truth, but I guess they never did.¡±


    Alex¡¯s mouth is slightly open. He doesn¡¯t believe me.


    It¡¯s too embarrassing for both of them to ever admit. It¡¯s embarrassing for me. Truth is, I¡¯m still lying to Alex. I didn¡¯t want to lie about sleeping with them in the first place. I wanted it to be real even if it didn¡¯t have to be. I really did try.


    I was being selfish and wasn¡¯t considering his feelings. But I don¡¯t owe myself to him. Alex and I weren¡¯t together. I only ¡®lied¡¯ because it benefited me. I had ¡®sex¡¯ with Edgar on my 16th birthday. It¡¯s what got me noticed. It¡¯s what put an end to the gossip that I wasn¡¯t cool. It got me on the map. I used Brent because every other guy was starting to lose interest in me because I was too ¡®unattainable¡¯ to try. But in both actions, I was masking that intent with what I actually wanted to prove.


    Prove to myself.


    But just like with Andrew, both of them didn¡¯t fuck me. Both of them were too nervous to have sex with me.


    Three times can¡¯t be a coincidence. Alex was the fourth. I shouldn¡¯t ever bother with a fifth attempt.


    Here it comes. My insecurity. The truth of why I wanted to be so popular in the first place. I thought it would make it go away. It doesn¡¯t matter how pretty everyone tells me I am. It doesn¡¯t matter how much everyone wants to fuck me. Now look at me. I always see the old repulsive Grace in the mirror. I see someone who is still not there.


    ¡°Alex¡­I¡¯m a virgin¡­¡±


    Alex leans over towards me, wiping away the few tears that have gone unnoticed. ¡°Grace¡­is everything alright?¡±


    I slide myself away.


    ¡°That¡¯s the truth. I thought it was going to be different with you. I wanted it to be different. I guess I really am just too broken.¡±


    ¡°How are you broken? Grace, what¡¯s been going on with you?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll get over it, it¡¯s fine.¡±


    Alex sits back. He can¡¯t look at me, but neither can I. ¡°Why do you think you¡¯re broken?¡±


    ¡°I just am.¡±


    ¡°I know things are hard right now, but you¡¯re doing the best you can. I understand you feel this way and that I¡¯m part of the reason. Can talk about it so I can better understand you?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°Okay. You don¡¯t have to tell me and I¡¯m sorry if I made it worse. You¡¯re going to get through this, but at least allow me to help you..¡±


    I laugh for the third time, looking at the cloudy sky before I¡¯m able to look at him. I shake my head. ¡°Y¡¯know, I thought you were the only one who could see me for me. That¡¯s what I liked about you, but you don¡¯t. Not anymore.¡±


    ¡°I would like to start over and be able to support you if you ever need it. I want to help.¡±


    I wipe away my last few tears before I stand up. ¡°Maybe in another universe. Maybe it could have worked,¡± I lightly kick the tip of his shoe. ¡°Maybe there I would have been born right.¡±


    I almost trip over myself while jogging down the hill. I don¡¯t dare to look back. I can¡¯t. It¡¯ll hurt too much if I do. Alex has always been a dream. I was desired by him for a moment. We talked. A lot. He¡¯s always been cautious, but he pushed our talks, he made an effort. I was desired. But Alex texted me some of the kindest words I ever heard. But I¡¯m the one who messed with his head. I began to stare at our messages and they went cold and distant. He was right there, and I was afraid. I was too afraid to find out if that dream was what I was looking for.


    I was too afraid to find out if I deserved that love.

 XVI: Ghost boy

    Thursday


    My dad died when I was a baby. It was caused by a car accident. It was just dumb luck that I was left without a father. Mom had to raise me all by herself. She sacrificed so much for me, but I never had a male role model as a kid. I barely had my own mom.


    I don¡¯t know much about my dad. Any time my mom would talk about him, I would stop her. I believe it was better to not get attached to someone who wasn¡¯t here anymore.


    His name was Joseph.


    Mom doesn¡¯t keep many pictures around of him, said he never liked to be in photos. When I was little, she always told me how much I looked like him. I never saw it.


    I still don¡¯t.


    I¡¯m a carbon copy of my mom when she was my age.


    My mom is all I need.


    Andrew came by to pick me up in the morning. He didn¡¯t bother waking up my mom and Sara wasn¡¯t home when he came. As far as I know, everything has been alright with him since Wednesday. Mom has calmed down and Jerrica hasn¡¯t broken up with him.


    Andrew hasn¡¯t been himself. He doesn¡¯t answer my questions when I ask him where he¡¯s taking me. He doesn¡¯t pass the time and talks about dumb stuff he usually does. He¡¯s quiet, focused. Sara has been dealing with it mostly. Mom has been refusing to acknowledge what¡¯s been going on. I¡¯ve been kept out of it for the most part. All I¡¯ve been doing is observing. This isn¡¯t my problem to deal with.


    When I figure out where Andrew is taking me too, I ask him why but he keeps quiet. It¡¯s not until he parks the rental car that he says, ¡°Wait here,¡± then he leaves.


    For what reason would he want to visit his father in prison?


    Andrew was Darkwood¡¯s drug dealer. He didn¡¯t care if, how, or who he hurt. He didn¡¯t care about anyone. The only thing he cared about was if it was funny to him or not. That¡¯s how he lived. Everyone either wanted to be his friend or was afraid of him. Somebody always had a crazy story about him. Whether it was true or not didn¡¯t matter because nothing seemed too unbelievable.


    There was only one exception, one person he cared about. Sara.


    If anyone had the biggest hand on Elizabeth¡¯s suicide, it was him. He¡¯s the one who got her in contact with his supplier. That contact was what allowed her to pursue her delusion that she could fix everything. Winter. It only made her worse.


    It was that contact that would blow up in everyone¡¯s faces, three years ago on Independence Day. I was lucky enough to stay out of it. I was spared.


    I was lucky enough to never meet the man who had strings on all of our lives.


    Lyle.


    The man behind the largest cartel in the United States. Nobody knew just how connected we were to him. How could we? Andrew was the only one involved with him, until Elizabeth was. Lyle was the poison in all our lives, flavorless, slowly suffocating everyone. It was Elizabeth¡¯s death that eventually set us free.


    Andrew murdered someone because he worked for Lyle. Elizabeth started to work with him too because Lyle had a drug that she wanted.


    Andrew comes back after what seems to be an hour. He¡¯s staring off into space after shutting the door. He doesn¡¯t start the car or do anything else. He doesn¡¯t move an inch.


    ¡°Are you going to say anything?¡± I break the silence.


    Andrew clears his throat then places his hands on the steering wheel. ¡°I thought I would be dead by now. I was asking for it,¡± he drops his hands down from the steering wheel. ¡°I don¡¯t deserve to be alive, Grace.¡±


    ¡°Dude what¡¯s been up your ass? Jerrica forgave you, lighten up.¡± I try to lift the heavy air but fail.


    ¡°But I am and a day hasn¡¯t gone by where I¡¯m not grateful. She¡¯s the love of my life, but I don¡¯t deserve her. I don¡¯t deserve any of this.¡±


    ¡°Did she make you a pussy too?¡±


    Andrew shakes his head, finally starting the engine. ¡°We were in the middle of arguing when I proposed. We were having this huge fight and I thought about what you said the night before, so I just popped the question. But since, I¡¯ve been giving it more thought and you¡¯re right, there¡¯s nothing I can do that¡¯ll satisfy me. I can¡¯t be redeemed.¡±


    It¡¯s just as Sara said.


    ¡°She forgave you. Is that not enough?¡±


    ¡°No,¡± his voice deepens. Andrew pulls out of the parking lot and into the streets.


    Andrew apologized for how he acted and all he did when I was 15. It was the first night I saw him vulnerable. I thought he was incapable of producing tears. He apologized for pretending to never care about anyone. He just never wanted to get hurt.


    Elizabeth tried Winter before she knew who Lyle was. Andrew gave her the vial that was meant to be his. If it wasn¡¯t for him, she would have never chased after it in a delusion thinking it¡¯ll fix all the bad she¡¯s done. She wouldn¡¯t have gone to Lyle and killed someone just to get more.


    She would have never died.


    Andrew is right about one thing. He shouldn¡¯t be alive. Andrew acts like a fool, but he¡¯s anything but. His intelligence allowed him to get away with all the crimes he did. It was that intelligence that piece together Elizabeth¡¯s puzzle before any of us did. He just didn¡¯t want to admit what he helped create.


    The only thing he didn¡¯t know was just how much of a twisted human being Lyle was.


    After Sara disappeared at the end of September when she tried to kill herself, Andrew lost the only thing he cared about. He became a force of nature. He destroyed anything he wanted. He saw no light in his life and devoted himself to Lyle. He was unaware that Lyle was the one who saved Sara from her suicide attempt the entire time and was keeping her a prisoner.


    The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.


    That¡¯s what Lyle does. It¡¯s a cult. He brainwashes girls and makes them work for his cartel. He did it with Elizabeth. He tried with Sara.


    Sara was saved and managed to escape. That¡¯s when she began to live with me. At least for that moment, Andrew calmed down. Sara was the only thing that held him together.


    He was supposed to snap when he learned Lyle held her captive.


    He didn¡¯t.


    Then Sara found the courage to speak about their father¡¯s abuse.


    He was supposed to snap.


    It didn¡¯t.


    At least not in the way we thought.


    Everything came to a climax when Cody learned the truth of what Elizabeth did for Lyle and told us all. Andrew¡¯s path was never more clear for him. He was willing to die just to atone. We¡¯re approaching the three year anniversary of that day, the Fourth of July. Lyle was arrested and the world was supposed to change.


    Andrew lived, where he should haven¡¯t.


    The skies are still cloudy. It still won¡¯t rain. When I was little, I used to believe I could control the weather with my emotions. If I could, it would be constantly raining. I can only hope it does as I rest my head against the car¡¯s window as Andrew drives me back home.


    ¡°At least that¡¯s what I used to think. I used to only be angry. Angry at the world. Angry that my moms died and dad became a piece of shit. Angry at myself.¡±


    ¡°Why did you take me so you can see your dad?¡±


    ¡°I wanted to kill him after finding out what he did to Sara. I was ready to make him just another ghost to haunt me. I didn¡¯t. I couldn¡¯t,¡± Andrew fidgets inside the console and pulls out a cigarette. He puts it on his mouth but doesn¡¯t light it. ¡°I told him about all the things I¡¯m lucky to have today. I told him I¡¯m getting married.¡±


    ¡°What did he say?¡± I lift my head off the window.


    ¡°That he¡¯s happy for me. That Mom¡¯s would be proud of me.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s great and all, but why bring me along?¡±


    ¡°I guess¡­for closure. Even If I feel like I don¡¯t deserve to be happy, I am. I¡¯ve been empty my whole life, but like, for the first time, I think I¡¯m going to be alright.¡±


    Andrew smiles.


    I don¡¯t like it.


    I¡¯m jealous.


    I didn¡¯t want to admit it, but Andrew was right about another thing. He doesn¡¯t deserve everything he has. It¡¯s not right. Andrew¡¯s evil. He¡¯s done too many bad things for him to feel okay to be happy. Why does he deserve to?


    I get it now. The only reason why he brought me along is so I validate him that he does. He wants my approval, but that¡¯s not what I want. Andrew was the type of person that didn¡¯t have a line he couldn¡¯t cross. So why was there one with me?


    I¡¯m finally alone with Andrew. I have to ask him what I¡¯ve been afraid of finding out. I failed once already. I can¡¯t be weak like that again.


    ¡°Why didn¡¯t you fuck me? Why did you stop?¡±


    Andrew laughs, seemingly flipping a switch and going back to his regular self. ¡°I asked myself that question for long time,¡±


    ¡°Then why?¡±


    ¡°I could never explain it to myself when it happened back then. Think I just didn¡¯t want to admit it,¡± Andrew rubs underneath his nostril with his finger. ¡°I saw how innocent you were. I couldn¡¯t take that away from you. If I did then that meant that I was right and incapable of giving a shit about anyone. But because I gave a shit, about you, I didn¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Is that all? Was there no other reason? Nothing else?¡±


    ¡°Nope.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s bullshit. I remember how you were looking at me. I was disgusting for you,¡± I catch that I raise my voice and lower it at the end of the sentence. I can¡¯t help it. I wasn¡¯t given the answer I wanted.


    ¡°I was disgusted at myself.¡±


    ¡°As if I wasn¡¯t? You fuck anything that¡¯ll let you. Why was I the only one you wouldn¡¯t? You saw what was wrong with me!¡±


    ¡°Look at what was going on, Grace! You were just a naive and dumb girl desperate for friends. You didn¡¯t care that you were the only innocent thing left in this town. I saw Elizabeth in you. We destroyed her and we didn¡¯t care that we were influencing you just like we did with her. I just wanted to break the cycle. I wanted to do one fucking good thing for once.¡±


    ¡°Break the cycle?! You saw Elizabeth in me?! Do you know how ugly you made me feel?¡±


    Andrew pulls over to the side of the road and finally lights the cigarette.


    I don¡¯t want to think about this again, but I have to. I¡¯ve been running from it far too long now.


    My entire life I always felt that I wasn¡¯t enough. Not enough to be liked and have friends. Not enough to ever have a boy like me. Not enough to ever have anything I asked for. Not enough for everything around me not to go to shit. I was never good enough for Elizabeth to stop herself from committing suicide in front of me. I wasn¡¯t enough to not  deserve any of it.


    I reinvented myself so I never had to feel that way again. It¡¯s the basis of who I am now. Everything I¡¯ve done was to prove myself that those feelings were wrong.


    I wanted everyone to love me.


    And they do.


    And it hasn¡¯t been enough.


    I¡¯m still unable to have the thing that I¡¯m missing. I don¡¯t understand why. I know my mom loves me. I know my friends love me. I know that I¡¯m cool, smart, popular and admired. I got everything I wanted, but why hasn¡¯t it been enough for me?


    Something is innately and fundamentally wrong with me and there¡¯s nothing I can do to fix it. It doesn¡¯t matter what I change, something about me will always be repulsive to everyone.


    I¡¯m so fucking insecure.


    ¡°What is it about me that you saw Elizabeth in me? Why did you let that stop you?¡±


    ¡°Because I loved her¡­¡± Andrew exhales the smoke out the window. ¡°That¡¯s all it was. Not because there¡¯s something wrong with you, but because you reminded me of her. You both carry a comfortable light. I was about to take that away.¡±


    There it is again. I¡¯m only a walking reminder. I¡¯m not anything more than that. I can¡¯t be.


    ¡°Like I¡¯m so her,¡± I sarcastically laugh. It¡¯s the only thing that was going to stop the tears from falling. ¡°I pretended that if I was, that would make everyone forget that she died in front of me. Well it worked, and where did that get me? Empty. Something is wrong with me, Andrew, and I can¡¯t fix it,¡± my voice flutters.


    I try to get out of the car but Andrew has the doors locked. He locks them up again every time I unlock them. I give up and slam my head against the seat and stare at the sky.


    Andrew turns his head towards me but I¡¯m not looking. I just want to go home.


    I want to get high.


    ¡°And you get all that just ¡®cause I didn¡¯t take advantage of you?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not that simple.¡±


    ¡°Sure is, ¡®cause I guess we¡¯re alike. Thought there was something wrong with me too. Thought It¡¯ll never get better. Then you came along, Grace. Where would I be if you didn¡¯t? In some fucked up way, you saved me. That I wasn¡¯t too far gone.¡±


    ¡°It wasn¡¯t me. It was my mom.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s that line of thinking that makes you believe you aren¡¯t enough. You always downplay your accomplishments because you feel like you''re not worthy of them.¡±


    ¡°Hypocrite, you were ready to throw it all away just the same!¡±


    Andrew laughs and gets back on the road. ¡°Said we¡¯re alike, didn¡¯t I? Make me a promise, Gracie-kin.¡±


    ¡°If I say no?¡±


    ¡°Make me a promise,¡± Andrew repeats gently. ¡°Promise me that you¡¯ll say something nice to yourself once a day. You deserve that much. You owe it to yourself.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not going to do that.¡±


    ¡°Promise me.¡±


    ¡°Only if you tell me what changed? Can you really move on just because Jerrica stayed? How can you live with it? How can she still love you? What did you do to deserve that?¡±


    Andrew shrugs his shoulders along with his fingers. ¡°I don¡¯t know. It¡¯s still new to me. But I am sure of one thing. There shouldn¡¯t be a condition to be worthy of someone¡¯s love.¡±


    I shut my eyes and try to pop them.


    It hurts.


    My heart hurts.


    The lights are off. There¡¯s no stage. There¡¯s no seats. There¡¯s no audience. There¡¯s no play. There¡¯s no need to perform. It¡¯s just me. It¡¯s empty.


    I¡¯m alone.


    I always have been and I always will be. Not even Andrew can understand me.


    The absence of something and the presence of nothing should not hurt this much.


    ¡°I promise,¡± I say but I¡¯m not sure if I believe it.

 XVII: wounded dog

    Friday evening


    My mom knocks on my door before walking in my room. ¡°Got a second?¡± she asks but I¡¯m unable to fully pay attention to her.


    ¡°I¡¯m in the middle of a game, can it wait?¡± I respond after the teamfight in my League game finishes. We end up winning a pivotal objective with me and Felix being the only one left alive on our team.


    ¡°I can.¡±


    Felix asks who it is through my headset and leaves it alone after I answer.


    Mom¡¯s eyes are staring at me after taking a seat on my bed. She never had interest in getting to know about my hobbies. She never disapproved of them either. Mom left me alone to discover what I enjoyed. This is the first time she¡¯s stayed around to watch me play a video game.


    She was never strict or short tempered. She¡¯s too kind and thoughtful for her own good. Taking in Sara was already a huge task and risk. Mom barely made enough money as a nurse to keep the house. She was forced to get into debt after taking in Andew.


    I say goodbye to Felix and end my discord call with him. I swivel my chair around to face my mom, ¡°What¡¯s up?¡±


    ¡°I haven¡¯t had the chance to ask you how you were doing. I know it hasn¡¯t been the easiest thing to digest. Do you want to talk about it?¡±


    My mom likes to see the best in people. That¡¯s her weakness. I understood why she chose to take in Sara, but I never understood her choice in Andrew. It was a senseless decision and could have ruined our lives. When I asked her why she did, she only said that she saw a boy desperately crying for help and that was enough of a reason.


    She can see through people, just like I can.


    She¡¯s better at it.


    ¡°It¡¯s fine, Mom. You know you never have to worry about me.¡±


    ¡°I know,¡± my mom sighs. ¡°I¡¯ve been thinking about a lot of things. About you, about Sara, and especially about Andrew. It was a mistake to risk so much. And now you¡¯re forced to take a year off college because I can¡¯t afford it.¡±


    Mom sees through people. She sees when they need help. She sees when they¡¯re hiding. But her biggest flaw is that she can only see the best in me. Mom is unable to see anything less from her daughter.


    She doesn¡¯t see me.


    ¡°I¡¯m not having this talk again,¡± I roll my eyes. ¡°It¡¯s fine, I said I wanted to take the year off so Sara can go instead, remember?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not fine. You¡¯ve been pulling away from me and I can¡¯t help to think it¡¯s my fault. Something¡¯s been bothering you for a while now. What happened, Grace?¡±


    ¡°Has it been that obvious?¡± I snort. ¡°No, it¡¯s nothing I can¡¯t handle.¡±


    My mother sighs in disappointment, ¡°Nothing is obvious with you, Grace. Are you sure you¡¯ll be alright?¡±


    ¡°Yeah,¡± I nod.


    My mother stands up and smiles, or at least I think she does. It¡¯s hard to tell when she does. My eyes gravitate to the square piece of paper with something written on it. I didn¡¯t notice she had it in her hands.


    ¡°I also have been thinking about your father.¡±


    She hands it over.


    ¡°What¡¯s this?¡± I ask, flipping it over. It¡¯s a photo of my dad and me when I was a baby. He¡¯s holding me in his arms with his mouth wide open either laughing or smiling. His construction clothes are filthy and the dirt is leaving its mark on the white blanket I¡¯m wrapped around in.


    I have never seen this photo of him.


    I flip it again and it says:


    The day we met was the day I gave my life to yours. I will always be with you.  I love you, eternally. Now and always. You¡¯re my Grace to the world.


    ¡°I know you don¡¯t like to talk about him,¡± Mom sits back down on my bed. ¡°I know how hard it¡¯s been for you.¡±


    ¡°Why are you giving me this now?¡±


    ¡°You deserve to know how much he loved you. I know you don¡¯t resent him for dying. You have all the right to. I¡¯m sorry that you had to struggle growing up because he wasn¡¯t around. I was scared that I couldn¡¯t fill both roles, but look at you now.¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t get pregnant when I was 17, so I have you beat.¡±


    ¡°I just wish your father was around.¡±


    ¡°Mom, you did just fine. Now I feel like I should be the one checking in on you. Why are you bringing all of this up?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. After what Andrew told us, it¡¯s been making me doubt myself, if I made all the right choices.¡± she crosses her arms. ¡°I can¡¯t shake this feeling I have, like something bad is going to happen. Like I did something wrong or not enough.¡±


    The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    ¡°More than enough,¡± I almost stand. My knees are locked in place. ¡°It¡¯s not your fault for what Andrew did before us. You didn¡¯t do anything wrong.¡±


    ¡°I know,¡± she chuckles and pauses.


    I get the feeling that she wants to say something else, but there¡¯s a knot in her throat. She¡¯s unable to look me in the eyes and has been staring at the corner. Like she wants to say something that she¡¯s been keeping from me. She wants to say it. It¡¯s eating at her that she¡¯s keeping it from me.


    ¡°I have other crowns to bear.¡±


    What does she mean by that?


    ¡°Do you think I think you¡¯re a bad mom?¡±


    ¡°Sometimes. I¡¯m your mother and I barely know a thing about you anymore. You don¡¯t come to me or talk to me whenever you¡¯re having a problem. You always have to deal with it yourself when you shouldn¡¯t have to. Even now, you won¡¯t tell me what¡¯s bothering you.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re far from a bad mom. Just look at how you helped Sara. Look at Andrew. Nobody else could do what you¡¯ve done. If I had a problem I couldn¡¯t deal with, I would come to you. I just don¡¯t want you to worry about every little stupid problem of mine.¡±


    My mother laughs and somehow manages to do it without smiling, ¡°When I got pregnant with you, I thought my world had ended. I thought your father wasn¡¯t going to stick around. My mom and dad certainly weren¡¯t going to help. I didn¡¯t know what to do.¡±


    Everything I learned about my father was involuntary. The house we live in now used to belong to his parents. It was given to us after they died. Before we moved to Darkwood, we lived in a trailer park in Northern California. It was hell. Moving was the best thing to ever happen to me.


    ¡°We would have nothing if your dad didn¡¯t stick around. He worked so hard for us. He¡¯s the reason why I even became a nurse. He encouraged me. He could handle everything.¡±


    ¡°Was there anything he couldn¡¯t handle?¡± I ask.


    ¡°He placed everything on his shoulders so I didn¡¯t. He could only carry so much before it caught up to him. I don¡¯t care how stupid, I want to know about your dumb little problems, Gracie.¡±


    ¡°Thanks,¡± I smile, finally able to stand. ¡°I¡¯ll keep that in mind, but I¡¯m fine right now, blessed mother.¡±


    Mom was absent, but she wasn¡¯t unloving. I never lacked her hugs, her warmth, her kindness. I never blamed her for the things she could never give me. I always understood.


    But she is right, I don¡¯t talk to her as much as I should. As I grow older, it¡¯s becoming less. Besides my birthday, the last time we did anything together was last december. It was her birthday and we went to eat at a Korean BBQ place.


    I need to do a better job and hide whenever I have a blank expression. It¡¯s a mirror of what my mom always has. I don¡¯t want her to worry about me. I came too far to be that weak again. I already feel like shit that she¡¯s acting like this.


    Somber takes away her youthful face.


    Mom smiles widely, which I don¡¯t see often.


    She always has a resting bitch face that makes her approachable even though she¡¯s the sweetest. I¡¯m lucky enough to not inherit that feature. But because she always looked annoyed or tired, I was careful to not make her worse. I was slightly afraid of her and she only looked like this because of me.


    That she couldn¡¯t smile more because I took her entire future away by giving birth to me. I took away all of her dreams and everything she wanted to do. She gave up everything for me after my dad died.


    I was a burden.


    That she hated me because of it.


    That. I. Wasn¡¯t. Enough.


    That¡¯s never been the case.


    She hugs me and I¡¯m proven I¡¯m wrong and she never felt that way about me. My mom has always loved me. There¡¯s a lot of things I would have liked to do together. One of those things was crying in her arms. Not that I never did, but I stopped when I learned she couldn¡¯t fix everything for me.


    Right now, I want to cry.


    I want to break down and fall to my knees. I want her to tell me that everything will be okay. I want her to tell me that it¡¯s okay to cry. I want to be a little girl again in the comfort of her mommy¡¯s arms.


    But I don¡¯t.


    I let her go.


    Mom tickles my cheek with the back of her hand then flips it to squeeze it. ¡°Oh, my baby girl. How did I end up with such a wonderful person such as you?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m my mother¡¯s daughter. Of course I¡¯ll turn just like her,¡± I laugh.


    Wonderful? That¡¯s the joke. I¡¯m anything but. Would she feel differently if she knew what I keep from her? She¡¯s not stupid. She knows what goes on in our town and how ugly it can turn people. She trusts me too much and believes that I don¡¯t lie to her. How could I ever come clean that I like to do MDMA, that I do cocaine, that I sneak out all the time, that I¡¯m no different than anyone else? How do I tell her that I¡¯m hiding enough money that¡¯ll change our lives? How do I tell her that I keep so many secrets from her?


    That I¡¯m not her baby girl.


    That I¡¯m far from wonderful.


    That I¡¯m ugly.


    I flipped my whole life around. It hasn¡¯t been enough. That¡¯s all this was. How can I tell her that I¡¯ve gotten nowhere? How do I tell her that despite how hard I tried, I still see that ugly 14 year old Grace? How do I tell her that I only needed her and didn¡¯t care about anything else?


    How do I tell her that I feel the most empty around her?


    How can I make her see me?


    To be seen. It¡¯s a tender look, the warmth I feel from her eyes laying upon me. Everything and everyone stops to see what I¡¯ve become. Will the stars do the same? Did the universe craft me to be the most perfect child? Because I wish it did. The world has stopped just to look at me but there¡¯s only been a set of eyes that I cared about. It¡¯s the only thing I could ever ask for. Now it¡¯s too late. How amazing would it be if she could just look at me?


    What they don¡¯t tell you about growing up as a very lonely girl is that you grow up and a part of you still remains a very lonely little girl.


    Mom leaves and I stare at the photo of my dad. I have his same gigantic smile. I don¡¯t even get to see it anymore. He looks so loving. I used to think I was the spitting image of my mom. Right now, we look nothing alike. I look so much like my father. I was right to never want to get to know how he was like. I¡¯m positive I would have loved him.


    Because right now, I wish it was him who raised me.


    Why couldn¡¯t it have been my mom who died instead?


    Fuck.


    Where did that morbid thought come from? Why would I ever think that? How could I?


    I¡¯m not a cloud. I¡¯m not the wind. I¡¯m not the rain. I¡¯m a fraud. I have never been anything but an insecure girl desperate to be looked at. I¡¯ll never not be. Nobody will ever love me the way I want them too. I¡¯m not worthy of it.


    I¡¯m exhausted from carrying my thoughts. I¡¯m terrified that I¡¯ll never be able to leave them.


    I¡¯m no stranger to being alone in my bedroom. It¡¯s filthy but there¡¯s nothing to clean. It¡¯s mine but it never felt more foreign. I¡¯m not comfortable here anymore. I lay in my bed and I¡¯m tired. I¡¯m rotting. The last bit of the sun disappears from my curtains and my room becomes completely black and shapeless. There was never any shape to begin with. I took all the life away. At least I can¡¯t see how pathetic I look right now. There¡¯s only me and my bed now. The sheets aren¡¯t warm. They freeze my skin. I can only endure and clutch them to my chest and whimper like a wounded dog.

 XVIII: Coco

    Friday Night


    I couldn¡¯t handle being alone in my room anymore. There¡¯s only one place that has made me feel better, only one person who has. I wouldn¡¯t know what I would do if Yuele hadn¡¯t agreed to go out with me tonight.


    Yuele undresses himself as he walks into his room. He tosses his rave clothes into the laundry basket then tosses me a change of clothes. He doesn¡¯t even attempt to look away as I take off my top and tights. I¡¯m not shy about exposing my bare breasts towards him.


    ¡°Nice tits.¡±


    ¡°Thanks, want to touch them? But only if I touch yours,¡± I laugh.


    Yuele rolls his eyes, untying his hair and letting it hang down to his shoulders. He takes off his tank top and walks inside the bathroom. I sit on his bed but don¡¯t continue to change. My jaw is slightly chattering and I message it so it isn¡¯t as tight. Yuele says something but he¡¯s too far away to understand. I tell him to speak up and he laughs.


    I made a considerable effort to get closer to him. I don¡¯t have to try around him. Everything just becomes so natural and easy. I¡¯m not burdened by any heavy weight that I have. After being around him again tonight, I haven¡¯t been more sure that I made the right call.


    Yuele took away all of my negative thoughts.


    ¡°What was with you tonight? You looked bored,¡± He asks me in his natural voice when he¡¯s finished in the bathroom. He took off his make-up.


    It¡¯s not Yuele anymore. She¡¯s Yuna, her biological gender.


    ¡°I was disappointed with the set tonight.¡±


    Yuna walks in front of me, grabbing both of my hands and places them on top of her breasts. She grabs hold onto mine to complete the deal.


    I don¡¯t know how she does it. When she¡¯s Yuele, I can never tell she isn¡¯t a guy. She¡¯s tall enough for height to never be an issue but she isn¡¯t muscular enough to be the body shape of a boy. She solves that issue with layers of clothes. With just makeup alone, she shapes her face to be more masculine. Her voice as Yuele doesn¡¯t sound forced. With all of it combined, Yuele and Yuna might as well be different people.


    She¡¯s only Yuna if she¡¯s at school or at home. Besides talking to her on Discord, I¡¯ve only met this side of her three times now. She dislikes being a girl and she¡¯s more confident when she¡¯s Yuele.


    I think she¡¯s lovely and too hard on herself.


    Yuna is just as beautiful as Yuele.


    I¡¯ve been thinking there might be more to what I feel about her after tonight. Out of everyone I know, she¡¯s the only one who has made the emptiness go away. I¡¯m happy when she¡¯s around.


    ¡°That¡¯s was sexual harassment, Yuna.¡±


    Yuna¡¯s natural and girlish laugh has been taking time to get used to. Yuele¡¯s is all I¡¯ve known but that hasn¡¯t changed how I feel about her now. ¡°How does it feel to be my first?¡±


    I let go of her breasts, having my hands on top of them for far too long. ¡°If it makes you feel any better, you¡¯re my first girl too.¡±


    ¡°Savor it, because you won¡¯t get any better.¡±


    ¡°I thought you didn¡¯t like this side of yourself.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I¡¯ve been more comfortable as Yuna when I¡¯m with you. You¡¯re like, my first real girl friend. I can be myself when I¡¯m with you.¡±


    ¡°I think I know what you mean,¡± I say, putting on the plain shirt I had over my shoulder. ¡°You fill a hole inside me and I don¡¯t know why.¡±


    ¡°I could fill other holes if you want,¡± Yuna laughs, putting on a sports bra. ¡°Have you ever kissed a girl?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re literally the horniest person I know.¡±


    ¡°What about it?¡±


    ¡°You can be horny with literally anyone else, not just me.¡±


    ¡°Grace,¡± Yuna sternly says.


    I know. I know. It isn¡¯t that simple for her. Because she¡¯s bisexual, that would mean she wouldn¡¯t be limited with options, but that isn¡¯t the case. When she¡¯s Yuele, who¡¯s shes the most comfortable as, no girl would hook up with him when they find he doesn¡¯t have a penis and no guy would want to find out he¡¯s actually a girl. As Yuna, it¡¯s easier as it¡¯s her biological gender, but she doesn¡¯t have the confidence to ever expose her feminine body to anyone without the mask of Yuele.


    I get it but Yuna hates her biological gender. She lives a double life because of it. No one besides her parents know that Yuna and Yuele are one and the same. She doesn¡¯t want anyone to know.


    ¡°Sorry.¡±


    ¡°As punishment, I demand you cuddle with me tonight.¡±


    ¡°Holy shit, that¡¯s so gay,¡± I laugh.


    Yuna raises her eyebrow, ¡°Did you just judge me?¡±


    ¡°No, no,¡± I continue laughing. ¡°I think I need it too.¡±


    ¡°Yay, bestie!¡±


    We were supposed to watch Youtube videos while we came down from our high. Instead, we skip straight to wrapping ourselves under the bed sheets and put on a movie. It¡¯s not just some random one, but an anime one that Yuna¡¯s forcing me to watch because I haven¡¯t yet.


    It¡¯s 2 AM and everything is okay now.


    It¡¯s not a struggle with her.


    I¡¯m holding her hand. I haven¡¯t let it go since the movie began. Our bodies are close enough to where I can feel her body heat mix with mine. We''ve been under the covers like we¡¯ve done it hundreds of nights. I feel safe here. The void has vanished.


    Yuna only stayed friends with me because I didn¡¯t find it odd when I found out she was a girl. Honestly, I didn¡¯t care at all and she liked that. It has never bothered me before but it has all night. Because I knew Yuele was a girl, that stopped me from developing any further feelings. But I never felt more myself other than with her. That has to mean something. How she presented herself used to not matter to me. Is it wrong that I wish she was a boy instead?


    ¡°Earlier you said you can be yourself with I¡¯m with you, Yuna. Do you really not have feelings for me?¡±


    Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.


    I think I might love this person.


    Yuna and Yuele.


    Yuna laughs, lowering back inside the covers. ¡°I know I pretend I do but¡­I don¡¯t. Do you?¡±


    It is love.


    Platonically at least.


    I wish it wasn¡¯t. I wish that it was more because this is what I¡¯ve been searching for, this feeling, this lack of emptiness. I don¡¯t know why. It¡¯s enough.


    I roll to face this girl who makes me feel this way. ¡°Can I kiss you?¡± I ask.


    Yuna adjusts herself and rests her forehead on mine. The TV light reflects off her eyes and shimmer. I want to find out how I feel. Maybe it¡¯ll change, maybe it won¡¯t. Yuna is the only person where my heart can relax.


    ¡°If you want,¡± Yuna looks down at my lips and back to my eyes. ¡°If it¡¯ll help you.¡±


    We¡¯re both still high on ecstasy. Our emotions are heightened. I wouldn¡¯t seriously consider doing this if we weren¡¯t. She jokes around, but Yuna wouldn¡¯t either. But behind her eyes has always been a trail of loneliness. It¡¯s never not been there. All she ever wanted was someone like me. I make her less lonely.


    I¡¯m less lonely with her.


    My lips gently grab hers. A hold that I linger on to, waiting for something to happen. A spark. A warmth. Anything. Her lips are just like any other¡¯s. Maybe they¡¯re thinner than average, but it''s still just skin.


    This isn¡¯t what I''m looking for.


    If it was, I would be in love with Yuna, with Yuele. We¡¯re enough for each other but despite it, it just isn¡¯t meant to be. We play and joke around but it frustrates me. How can being around someone make me complete but be the wrong thing at the same time?


    Why do I have to rely on someone else to complete me in the first place? Why can¡¯t I do it by myself? I can¡¯t be with Yuna all the time. She can¡¯t always be the only one holding me together. But it¡¯s not Yuna herself who¡¯s doing this.


    It¡¯s what she brings and I¡¯m confused further. What sets our friendship apart from all others that makes it so different?


    ¡°Your hand is stiff.¡±


    ¡°Sorry,¡± I let go, but Yuna grabs on again.


    ¡°Well?¡±


    I shake my head. ¡°Still straight, sadly.¡±


    Yuna giggles, taking my hand and wrapping it around her waist. ¡°What were you hoping to accomplish?¡±


    ¡°I just wanted to make sure. Who knows, what if I wanted to be a sexed up abusive lesbian with you.¡±


    ¡°If anything I¡¯ll be the abusive one,¡± Yuna laughs.


    ¡°How so?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, weird shit like BDSM or roleplay..¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re into that?¡± I laugh.


    ¡°Fuck no. What¡¯s really going on?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m trying to figure shit out.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s a first.¡±


    ¡°That I¡¯m¡­¡±I stop myself from finishing.


    I haven¡¯t ever done anything bad to deserve this void. I haven¡¯t done anything wrong. It¡¯s all in my head. A problem of my own creation. It¡¯s just an emotion. It¡¯s not actually real but it fundamentally hurts as physical pain. I¡¯ve been calling it an emptiness just because it¡¯s not easy to describe. Another way to say it is that it¡¯s an existential loneliness.


    I wanted to be seen.


    So I became seen.


    I wanted to be liked.


    So I sat on a throne.


    I¡¯m who I am because I no longer wanted to feel insecure about myself. It¡¯s the most selfish thing I''ve ever done. I may have let it get to my head a little bit, but I was smart enough to never be full of myself but I always have been. I killed the part of myself that made me feel worthless. Now where has that gotten me? I¡¯m still just as insecure. I¡¯m still just as alone.


    All there¡¯s left is a girl who cosplays the very same person who she can¡¯t escape from. I am her reincarnation and not Grace. I killed Grace so I wouldn¡¯t be alone, but now I¡¯m alone because nobody knows Grace. I don¡¯t know her.


    She was never worthy of love to begin with.


    I¡¯m disgusting.


    ¡°When I was a kid, I ran around pretending to be a boy,¡± Yuna whispers after I never continued. ¡°I learned early on that it was better to act my gender. I was bullied a lot until I did. I still made a lot of friends, but I was never part of a core group. I floated around from clique to clique. I never had anyone who could understand me.¡±


    Yuna briefly went over this before, but never went into detail. She doesn¡¯t like to talk about why she hates being Yuna.


    ¡°I made friends online who are just like me. I thought they could understand. They couldn¡¯t. They were trying to force me to like the things they like, dress how they do and think like they do. They wanted me to conform to their ideals. I just wanted to be me, not someone else just to fit in. The queer community is so inclusive until they find someone they don¡¯t like. They tormented me worse than anybody else. Ironic, considering where I live, but they made me so distrustful.¡±


    ¡°It must have been so hard, I¡¯m sorry.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve been tolerating being a girl until I graduate and I can leave this identity behind.. Then you show up and now some days I wake up feeling that I¡¯m in the right body. I thought Yuele was what I wanted. I¡¯m trying to figure shit out too. I¡¯m more confused than ever. I blame you.¡±


    ¡°Me?!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m still figuring myself out too and I have you to thank. I¡¯m not as miserable.¡± Yuna smiles. She taps the tip of my nose with your fingertip. ¡°Your turn now.¡±


    It¡¯s been a long day. I¡¯ve gone through so many emotions that they all have blended together by now. I came face to face with myself again. I didn¡¯t like who I saw. I never have.


    ¡°Everyone keeps telling me how proud they are of me,¡± I whisper. Although I¡¯m not looking at Yuna but at bedsheets, she doesn¡¯t look away from me. ¡°I wish I could be proud of myself. I wish I could look at myself like they do.¡±


    ¡°And who¡¯s that?¡±


    ¡°An incorruptible angel. The light in everyone¡¯s darkness.¡±


    ¡°And who do you see yourself as?¡±


    ¡°That I¡¯m just a disappointment.¡±


    Yuna gets up. She leaves me alone for a moment while my tears soak up the pillow. She comes back with tissues, wiping them away for me. ¡°You know that¡¯s not true.¡±


    ¡°I am!¡± I sob. ¡°I¡¯m so fucking pathetic, Yuna.¡±


    ¡°How so?¡±


    ¡°My entire life¡­I felt that there was something wrong with me. I was born defective. I have this emptiness inside of me and I¡¯ve done everything to find what I lack. I thought I fixed it but it¡¯s tearing me apart again and I can¡¯t take it anymore. It¡¯s pathetic.¡±


    Yuna wipes away my tears again. She lays down back on the bed and wraps herself around my back.


    ¡°You¡¯re the only one who makes me feel differently and I don¡¯t know why.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t either,¡± her hair tickles my neck. ¡°It¡¯s a good thing we have each other, huh? We can figure it out together.¡±


    ¡°Nothing I do will be good enough.¡±


    ¡°For what?¡±


    For my mom. My family. For my friends. To be seen. To be important. To not feel like I never actually been loved. To feel like I never had to take the identity of the girl who hurt me the most just to be liked.


    To not be lonely anymore.


    I¡¯m not good enough for me.


    ¡°To be¡­¡± I choke.


    I did not ask for this. I did not deserve this. It never had to be this way. It doesn¡¯t have to be like this. I didn¡¯t do anything to deserve any of this.


    I didn¡¯t deserve Elizabeth shooting herself in front of me.


    ¡°It¡¯s okay¡­shh¡­shh, you can cry,¡± Yuna warmly says which I can barely hear over my wailing. ¡°I¡¯m here, okay? I¡¯m not going anywhere. You can let it out.¡±


    I can¡¯t understand what I¡¯m even saying anymore.


    ¡°No, no, don¡¯t apologize. You¡¯re not a bother,¡± Yuna quietly says in between my inaudible rambling. ¡°You¡¯re not a burden, okay? Please don¡¯t ever believe that you are¡­¡±


    I continue to cry.


    And cry.


    And I can¡¯t hear anything anymore.


    I can¡¯t see anything.


    I can only cry.


    I¡¯ve been so alone.


    Why do I believe that the love I¡¯m given isn¡¯t the exact same that I long after. Why isn¡¯t it what I¡¯ve been looking for? Why do I yearn for something stronger?


    What¡¯s missing?


    No matter what I do or find what brings me happiness, that emptiness always follows behind it. It¡¯s never far away. It tell me:


    ¡°I will always be here. I am never going away. You¡¯ll always be miserable. There¡¯s no fixing it, because you¡¯re fundamentally broken. There is nothing to fix.¡±


    I¡¯m so tired.


    Then Yuna says, ¡°Every time I think you¡¯re so cool you do something that makes you look more like a dork.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± It takes me aback.


    At some point, I stopped crying. Yuna replaced the soaked pillow and is facing me, brushing my hair with her fingers.


    ¡°You¡¯re so dumb, Grace,¡± Yuna giggles. ¡°Honestly, sometimes I think you read into things so deeply that you forget what you were looking at in the first place.¡±


    I¡¯m able to softly laugh. I have enough energy for that. ¡°What do you see?¡±


    ¡°You have your whole life to figure yourself out. You¡¯re not going to do it over a weekend. Slow down and stop thinking so much. You¡¯re going to be okay.¡±


    ¡°How can you be so sure?¡±


    ¡°Because you¡¯re never not you.¡±

 XIX: now the rain comes

    Saturday


    I¡¯ve been staring at a road. I¡¯m not able to see five feet in front of me. I don¡¯t know where it¡¯ll take me, but I''ve been walking it regardless. It¡¯s the road I chose. I have to crawl now with all the weight on top of me. I can¡¯t stand it anymore. The only thing keeping me from getting crushed is the comfort I find in Yuele. I don¡¯t have to understand it.


    It¡¯s enough for the moment.


    He listens.


    But he can¡¯t help me.


    My friends were able to move on and forgive Elizabeth by looking at all the good that happened after. They found solace, peace, with it. I was given a lot of good too, maybe enough to outweigh the bad.


    One of those things was being able to meet Felix.


    Felix taught me how to become a storm that could not be ignored. I only gained my confidence because he taught me how. He showed me how to use my weakness and turn it into my strength. Hate is power. I used it to become who I am.


    And I still fucking hate myself.


    I never thought Felix would ever come home. It takes me a moment to convince myself that it¡¯s actually him when I come over to Aylin¡¯s to babysit. Sure enough, he¡¯s real. Aylin was just as surprised as I am. He came without notice. Aylin decides to stay home for the day because of the special occasion. After catching up, I nearly leave because there no need for me.


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you stick around for a while?¡± Felix stops me.


    ¡°Are you sure?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t mind,¡± Aylin says. ¡°Helen certainly doesn¡¯t.¡±


    I feel like an outsider. This isn¡¯t my family. I don¡¯t truly belong here so I stay as a silent observer to Aylin and Felix¡¯s conversation. They have a lot to catch up on.


    ¡°Grace, did you know Felix was a trouble maker as a kid? I had to practically be his mom.¡± Aylin asks me.


    ¡°I said I was sorry already,¡± Felix laughs.


    ¡°Where were your parents?¡±


    ¡°Our dad was murdered and our mom wasn¡¯t the best. It¡¯s been just us two since we ran away,¡± Aylin says it so casually. ¡°My hard work paid off.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t give yourself all the praise. Don¡¯t think I forgot you were a shithead too. You¡¯d still be with your baby daddy and miserable if it wasn¡¯t for me.¡±


    Sibling banter is funny. I always longed for such a relationship which I eventually got in Sara. But it¡¯s different when there¡¯s a blood connection, isn''t it? I won¡¯t ever get the same. I was an only child and that¡¯s all I knew for the longest time. Even after Sara came into my life, our sisterhood didn¡¯t come right away. That¡¯s still so new.


    I¡¯ve really become nothing but negative thoughts now. It¡¯s just harder and harder to say something positive. It¡¯s still not too late, however. I can still turn myself around.


    ¡°That reminds me. I have two tickets for a symphony later today. Want to go?¡± Felix asks.


    ¡°You didn¡¯t expect me to drop everything and accept, right? Who¡¯s going to watch over Helen?¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t you usually babysit today, Grace?¡± Felix asks me.


    ¡°Yeah. I don¡¯t mind.¡±


    ¡°No, no,¡± Alyin waves her hands. ¡°Take Grace instead. I can¡¯t remember the last Saturday I spent with my girl, I¡¯ll rather do that instead.¡±


    I have never been to a classical concert before.


    ¡°Grace, do you want to?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, sure. Let me go home so I can change into something other than PJ¡¯s.¡±


    ¡°That works. I have a few errands to do anyway. Let¡¯s meet there.¡±


    Felix hands me over the ticket before I go home.


    I was unsure how to dress so I went how I¡¯m most comfortable. I read online that I don''t have to dress as formally as I always believed. I¡¯m also only going with Felix, so there¡¯s no one to impress. I put on a nice top and jeans, nothing fancy. I just hope I don¡¯t look out of place.


    I arrived early at Benaroya Hall. It¡¯s a beautiful building but I didn¡¯t come to admire it. I am one of the first to take my seat assigned on my ticket. I¡¯m close to the stage but not quite facing the center. I¡¯m a bit to the left of it. One by one, the seats all get filled up, all except for the one on my left, Felix¡¯s.


    All the lights dim and the ambience changes for the concert to start. I take a look around but I don¡¯t see anyone else making their way to their seat.


    The audience claps and the orchestra gets ready to start the performance. There¡¯s dozen of wooden strings, violins, cellos and violas, and all are divided into sections. On the back and sides are woodwinds like flutes and oboes. There¡¯s many more instruments I recognize but don¡¯t know enough to identify them correctly.


    Felix finally takes his seat once the band begins to play.


    The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    I sit in silence and listen to the type of music I never gave the chance to for the next two hours. I never saw the appeal. Obviously I¡¯ve heard what¡¯s always commercially played but I don¡¯t know anything more than that. Sort of like how I got into Jazz, I was wrong in my misconceptions. It isn¡¯t as boring as I thought it would be. I know nothing about classical music, but the ticket says a symphony is being played. It¡¯s easy on the ears and it never gets repetitive.


    It¡¯s ironic that I never bothered to give it a chance. Tina always nags me to check out her favorite artists more. She is better known as a classical musician. I¡¯ve only heard her commercial and digestible songs, the ones that make the real money. I never thought I would enjoy it.


    I think I underestimated how much I could enjoy this type of music.


    After it ends, we find a corner in the lobby upstairs to unwind. With the side of the wall we find ourselves facing being glass, the view of the street outside makes me feel hidden and exposed much the same.


    ¡°What did you think?¡± Felix asks.


    ¡°It was better than I expected. Is that what you¡¯re into?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s been my favorite since I was a little kid. Thanks for coming. Aylin always says no.¡±


    ¡°I''m always down to try something new,¡± I giggle. ¡°Won¡¯t know what I like if I don¡¯t.¡±


    His glacier blue eyes look down at me. I¡¯ve grown considerably taller since I first met him, but he still towers over me. I haven¡¯t gotten used to the well kept beard he grew, but I guess it¡¯s not too weird for a 29 year old man to have.


    Aside from doing something new, I wanted the opportunity to talk to Felix alone. It¡¯s been a while since I¡¯ve been able to and my mom interrupted the last time. We didn¡¯t get to finish our conversation yesterday.


    ¡°Have you been feeling better?¡±


    ¡°Not really.¡± I nervously laugh. ¡°I¡¯m actually glad you came, but you should at least have told me. It got really bad last night, but my friend helped me out. They make me feel a little better but I can¡¯t rely on them all the time, y¡¯know?¡±


    ¡°You haven¡¯t come close to finding what¡¯s making you empty, huh?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s disappointing. I expected better from you.¡±


    Out of all the people I met, Felix is the only one I¡¯ve been unable to read. By the time I learned I could, Felix already moved away. Sometimes it''s not enough to figure someone out through their voice and that has been the only way we communicated. Now that we¡¯re face to face, I¡¯m reassured of what I always believed. I can trust him.


    ¡°Well, this is your work,¡± I twirl my arms around to show off my body to Felix. ¡°You can only blame yourself if I fall short.¡±


    ¡°Life will never be a smooth river where it won¡¯t fight against you, that¡¯s what makes it so enjoyable. How else can you appreciate it? Everyone is preparing to enter a storm, are going through one or are exiting it. You were being an idiot to think you could become the exception.¡±


    ¡°That isn¡¯t what you told me. You said I could be the storm that is above everything.¡±


    ¡°Water is still water regardless of the form it takes.¡±


    I turn back to the glass wall and look up to the sky. They¡¯re too heavy to let any sunlight in. I don¡¯t expect it to rain today either. Summer¡¯s the driest. Any time I thought it would rain, I¡¯ve been disappointed.


    ¡°Then I¡¯ll just have to become a stronger storm.¡±


    ¡°When I first met you, Grace, you were this naive and shy girl, nervous and uncertain about everything. You were pathetic. You told me nobody could see you. You told me you wanted to change that. Now that you did, you¡¯re telling me it wasn¡¯t enough to satisfy you?¡±


    ¡°If you hate something enough, you¡¯ll have the will and power to crush it, right? I used that hate to strip away everything that made me feel that way, but I couldn¡¯t take everything away. It wasn¡¯t enough.¡±


    Felix sighs, getting in front of me but doesn¡¯t turn his back. ¡°Why do you think that is? What¡¯s different now that it doesn¡¯t cut it anymore?¡± Felix gives me time to answer, but I don''t. ¡°Where did you go wrong?¡±


    ¡°Everyone expects me to fulfill this role when it wasn¡¯t mine to begin with. I¡¯m tired of it. It wasn¡¯t me. It was fake, temporary. Something to help me sleep at night. But at one point, it became me. What if that¡¯s all I am? What if I¡¯m no different?¡±


    Felix turns around. He has a cheeky smirk. ¡°You are different, Grace. You don¡¯t see the world like everyone else. You¡¯re not fooled by the lies it operates on. You see through them. You see reality and you¡¯re only been alone because there¡¯s no one to relate to. You¡¯re not broken because there¡¯s something wrong with you. There¡¯s just nobody who can understand you. That emptiness you feel? It¡¯s anger.¡±


    I move to stand next to him again. I hold one arm behind the other. ¡°Of course it''s anger. I fucking hate myself, Felix.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ll keep storing that anger until it¡¯ll spill over or it drowns you. Rage has to go somewhere. You can¡¯t silence it, but you can use it.¡±


    Felix had put into words what I¡¯ve been feeling exactly.


    The loneliness of being unseen by others is the pain I¡¯ve been experiencing. It¡¯s a vague but a private feeling. It¡¯s existential. But my loneliness doesn¡¯t come from being unseen. It¡¯s coming from how I¡¯m seen. It comes from how I want them to see me.


    I¡¯ve been a beast that could drink for the river until it gets sick, but never enough to quench its thirst. It will die before it does. I¡¯ve been drinking from the wrong river.


    I¡¯ve been standing still while the world is flying past me again. I¡¯ve been letting the shadows of the past give up my control. I¡¯ve been walking on tippy toes to not shatter the light everyone sees in me. I¡¯ve been afraid of what I¡¯ll lose if I do. I would rather be tortured by it than lose it.


    I am selfish. It¡¯s all about me. It always has been. I¡¯ve been lying and making myself believe I wasn¡¯t. In self righteous intent, greed followed behind. Why would I bother to have everyone idolize me if I wasn¡¯t greedy, and for what? To make up for everything that I was denied?


    To prove to myself I wasn¡¯t born defective?


    That I deserve the attention.


    And why wasn¡¯t that enough?


    Because it didn¡¯t give me what I truly desired. The love I always yearned for. The one that can tell me that I¡¯m fine the way that I am.


    That¡¯s my emptiness, my loneliness.


    I want it to come from the people who hurt me the most.


    They would see me.


    ¡°Stop pretending that you don¡¯t want to take it out on the world,¡± Felix says. ¡°You won¡¯t become her if you do. You¡¯re better than that.¡±


    I don¡¯t have to run. I don¡¯t have to fight. I don¡¯t have to please. I don¡¯t have to be nice about it. I¡¯m too angry to care anymore. I¡¯m tired of not existing. I¡¯m tired of feeling like my voice can¡¯t be heard. No one knows what hate is until they, truly, hate themselves. It¡¯s the only time you can truly know yourself, without any illusions. It¡¯s not pretty and excruciatingly painful, but it¡¯s real.


    I believed I was familiar with it. I walked around thinking I knew what hate means. I built myself with that but it wasn¡¯t right. I came out twisted, deformed and incomplete. I did not know what hate really is. I hate Elizabeth.


    I can¡¯t believe I became disillusioned that I have to carry the light she did. I¡¯ve been trying too hard to keep it lit, afraid of it ever fading. But It¡¯s what¡¯s been chaining me down. It has kept me from being me. I don¡¯t know why I got this life, but I can stop feeling sorry for myself. No matter how much I change, I will still be me. I will still suffer. If the world rejects me, I don¡¯t have to dilute myself just to be bearable. It can choke.


    If my light shatters, so be it, it was a poison.


    It begins to rain.


    I look down at the street that¡¯s being relentlessly pummeled by the thick water. In under a minute, the rain accumulates to be too much for the ground to absorb or drain fast enough. It swallows the earth. It washes away the dirt. It brings anew.


    It¡¯s raining down again.

 XX: Catch Fire

    Saturday night


    ¡°Have you blown all the money yet?¡± Tristen asks, sitting in front of me. I¡¯m not gambling tonight. Relaxing and watching others lose money as I smoke and drink while listening to live jazz has been good enough for me ever since I won all that money.


    ¡°Don¡¯t know where to begin,¡± I exhale the last bit of the cigarette then put it out.


    ¡°I know a few stores. I could show you around.¡±


    ¡°Thanks, but I¡¯m good. What are you up to tonight, Tristen? You¡¯re not at the tables.¡±


    ¡°Same reason you are. Just enjoying the music. It¡¯s always better than what¡¯s played above.¡±


    ¡°I haven¡¯t listened to enough to know the difference.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ll come around,¡± she chuckles.


    A third body joins us, Omar. ¡°My two favorite ladies. Almost didn¡¯t see you.¡± He places a bottle of whiskey on my table with a couple of glasses.


    ¡°Haven¡¯t seen you around, something happened?¡± Tristen asks.


    ¡°Oh, I''ve just been catching up with a friend. Anything new?¡±


    Tristen shakes her head, taking the bottle of whiskey to pour herself a glass. ¡°The usual. The boyfriend is trying to convince me to vote blue with him at the election this year. We¡¯ve been fighting over it.¡±


    ¡°Won¡¯t see your side, huh?¡±


    ¡°Nope,¡± Tristen finishes half the glass she poured in one swing.


    Political talk. It¡¯s way out of my knowledge of expertise to have an opinion to express. I love hearing it but it always gets so nasty whenever it¡¯s talked about. Eventually, it always gets uncomfortable to endure it. ¡°You¡¯re a republican, Tristen?¡± I ask her.


    ¡°You can say that¡± she says, then pours me a glass. ¡°Not that I¡¯m happy with the fucker we got this year. Think I¡¯m doing third party this year¡±


    ¡°I hear ya. I thought things would be different by now.¡± Omar adds.


    ¡°It¡¯s like everyone forgot what happened three years ago,¡± Tristen sighs. ¡°Vote blue or the fascist win,¡± She mockingly says to make fun of the people who only repeat that and have nothing of value to add. ¡°What a joke.¡±


    Three years. That number always pops up. The world was supposed to change three years ago. It doesn¡¯t matter how much it does, there¡¯s somethings that fundamentally refuse.


    ¡°You¡¯d think people would eventually have enough of the bullshit,¡± Omar pours himself a glass and drinks it all before I make a dent on mine.


    ¡°What about you, Grace? Who are you voting for?¡±


    ¡°Haven¡¯t really been given it much thought. I don¡¯t pay attention to any of it.¡±


    ¡°Oh, bullshit,¡± Tristen flicks her finger at me. ¡°We all know how smart you are. There¡¯s no way you haven¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Really, I haven¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°So you¡¯re just as bad as those who don¡¯t want things to change,¡± Tristen¡¯s tone changes, frustrated.


    ¡°That¡¯s enough, Trist. You know the rules.¡± Omar reminds her.


    ¡°No it¡¯s okay, I don¡¯t mind. I know what¡¯s going on. I¡¯m not ignorant. It¡¯s just hard to believe things can change at this point. I mean, the election this year is proof of that.¡±


    The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    ¡°There¡¯s only two candidates who have a real shot and both have ties with Golden Hearts and no one cares,¡± Tristen slouches on her chair and finishes the rest of her drink.


    ¡°It was the remnant but close enough,¡± I correct her. ¡°I don¡¯t think they had a name for themselves.¡±


    ¡°Does it really matter? The largest cartel since Golden Hearts gets taken down and everyone who matters gets away scot free again. This country is a joke.¡±


    Three years ago. That¡¯s when everyone thought things would change. The corruption of the government was exposed and not a damn thing was done about it. Dozens of government officials and corporations were found to have ties with Lyle¡¯s criminal organizations. Every court hearing and congress meeting was nothing but a farce to act like things were moving. Outrage was all there was for months. And just like school shootings or anything else, all the rage and outcry from everyone fighting and debating eventually got too tiresome to push for any actual change.


    Lyle was the mastermind behind his organization and it was brought down with him. It was a bonus reward that came along with the work Andrew and Chris did to expose all of it. It was revenge for what Lyle did to Elizabeth. Revenge for any other girl who was corrupted under his spell just like she fell.


    Andrew was willing to give his life for it. Chris gave away his sanity. And nobody knows what Chris was thinking in doing it the way he did. He put all our friends'' lives in danger, and for what?


    All of it felt like it was for nothing.


    Lyle¡¯s name was never made public. All that was given was the pseudonym he went by. His mugshot wasn¡¯t even made available to the public. This man was the reason why all my friends were suffering and I don¡¯t even know what he looks like.


    ¡°I think this whole thing has skewed our perception of organized crime,¡± I speak up. ¡°It was great to have a scapegoat to hide the bigger issue.¡±


    ¡°And that is?¡± Tristen asks, leaning in to listen closer.


    ¡°That it will always exist. That organized crime is incredibly mundane. It¡¯s so mundane that nobody notices it when its in our face, and when we do notice, it¡¯s not how we want it to be. There¡¯s no spectacle. There¡¯s no going around shooting and killing people. There¡¯s no torture. We only cared because there was a spectacle to entertain us back then. Now that it¡¯s over, all the other small stuff doesn¡¯t look as bad. They don¡¯t see some business owner getting a contract from the government because of a little donation as what it is, criminal conspiracy. All in the name for profit. The ordinary person doesn¡¯t care about that and will let it slide.¡±


    Tristen grins, taking hold of my hand. ¡°Sounds like you have given it thought, Grace. Any thoughts on how we could change that?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m rambling,¡± I say, unable to stop a few drops of whiskey from spilling out my lips. ¡°It''s not like my opinion is unique. Nobody wants to admit it, but we¡¯re all just tired of being lied to that we the people have any power to make any real change. Nothing can ever change.¡±


    ¡°I like to live in a world where it¡¯s a little bit more optimistic than that. Life isn¡¯t morbid.¡±


    But that¡¯s the reality we live in. That¡¯s what has been given to us. It¡¯s all one big cycle. Something happens, it has to change, it doesn¡¯t, then something else happens. Everyone is just so fucking exhausted. Those in power got what they wanted. It¡¯s distraction after distraction until it¡¯s forgotten. But it¡¯s never forgotten, just pacified.


    It¡¯s easier to escape from reality. It¡¯s easy to consume endless media. It¡¯s better to rot away. It¡¯s much more fun to do drugs and get fucked up all the time. Anything is better than reality.


    That will never change.


    ¡°Sometimes I wish for things to have been kept in the dark. There¡¯s one thing that did change and it¡¯s the drugs. I miss what we had back then.¡±


    ¡°I hear that,¡± Tristen sighs.


    ¡°Are they gone forever?¡± I ask.


    The drugs I buy from Omar are good, but not how they used to be. I¡¯ve only had a taste and I¡¯ve been searching for something similar since. I didn¡¯t even try the coke that was around back then until a few weeks ago. I never felt so great when I did.


    ¡°It¡¯s too expensive for me to flip and sell,¡± Omar takes a sip of his glass. ¡°I could get you in contact with who sells it if you want.¡±


    ¡°Please.¡±


    Anything is better than my reality.


    ¡°Grace,¡± Tristen lifts her head up with her eyebrows furrowed. ¡°It¡¯s better if you don¡¯t get involved.¡±


    ¡°Relax,¡± Omar pulls out a business card out of his navy blue suit¡¯s inner pocket and hands it to me. ¡°The dealer has no ties. He sells what he stocked up before the collapse.¡±


    ¡°Thanks,¡± I flip over the card and read it.


    There¡¯s only a single word in the middle and figure it¡¯s a nickname. The phone number under it is from out of state.


    Acid.


    Omar lied when he said this wasn¡¯t tied to Lyle¡¯s organization. Technically, it isn¡¯t, but the number suggests it''s tied to Golden Hearts, a much larger cartel that used to exist. The world was supposed to change when that fell, but Lyle took over what remained and continued where it was left of. That too was destroyed and history repeated itself. How many more years until it happens again? How many more times will it not change anything?


    Fuck it.


    What do I care anymore?


    I¡¯m so fucking tired and angry and depressed and desperate and lonely.

 XXI: Would You?

    Friday night


    One week later


    I buy drugs from this Acid person in the afternoon. With a name like Acid, I expected some hippie to meet with me. Any other guess would have been just as wrong. I met Acid out in public in the middle of a coffee shop in upper Seattle. He wore a tank top that showed off his massive bodybuilder muscles and it was quite intimidating. I wasn¡¯t scared of his size, but rather that he looked completely different than I¡¯m used to. Get this, Acid¡¯s is just the street name for Omar.


    I bought half an ounce of cocaine and an eighth of MDMA. I also bought a few tabs of LSD because why not? It all cost an arm and a leg, nearly quadruple from what I¡¯m used to. Acid threw in a little extra because he was amused that I wasn¡¯t surprised to see him. He said he liked how I carried myself.


    ¡°Why didn¡¯t you just sell me this shit from the start?¡± I asked him


    ¡°I would rather have some things stay private. I don¡¯t mix my business with my business.¡±


    ¡°Whatever. Thanks, I guess.¡±


    #


    I get high in my bathroom with these higher quality drugs. Of course, I tested them first to make sure there wasn''t anything else in them, I¡¯m not an idiot. I test every batch, every time. That doesn¡¯t change with Omar¡¯s street name deal.


    It¡¯s been a hard week, but when has it not? I¡¯ve gone to ¡®normal¡¯ as much as I can. I haven¡¯t had time for myself because of it and honestly, it hasn¡¯t bothered me that much. I was doing fine before getting in my head, so why did I stop that? Fuck all the bullshit going around me. I don¡¯t have to think about it and be negative all the time.


    The crippling addictive feeling of the coke lifts me up and I¡¯m able to look at myself in the mirror.


    ¡°You¡¯re not that loser anymore. You¡¯re worth it,¡± I tell myself to keep the promise I made with Andrew.


    I don¡¯t break promises. I have said something nice to myself every day since. It hasn¡¯t been working. I haven¡¯t felt any better about myself.


    I don¡¯t think I need to anymore.


    I¡¯ll figure myself out one day. Until then, it shouldn¡¯t stop me from having fun. And tonight is all about fun. It¡¯s all about getting fucked up.


    I take my girls to a house party in the nicer neighborhoods of Seattle. It¡¯s my first ¡®influencer¡¯ party. A famous YouTuber invited me after DMing me on instagram. He promoted it to me by telling me which other personalities would be there like I cared about any of that. I just want to not think like I have been. Tonight is just another night in the string of night parties I¡¯ve gone to all week.


    ¡°Nuh uh, not gonna happen,¡± Liz laughs. We¡¯re approaching the party and I haven¡¯t said a word.


    ¡°Why not?¡± Tina turns around and asks the back seat.


    ¡°Because he thought I was black,¡± Liz says, Tina and Maddie laugh. ¡°He thought I was black asian, like dude, this shade is Mexican.¡±


    ¡°And?¡±


    ¡°He goes, ¡®I thought I was getting a little more flavor¡¯. Like ew, bitch, no after you said that,¡± Liz continues to laugh. ¡°I¡¯m convinced I¡¯m a little asian. I have to be so maybe I do have flavor.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re so dumb,¡± Maddie giggles.


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± Liz leans and bumps into the back of my seat. ¡°We¡¯re hanging out again next week.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re here,¡± I announce.


    Nobody notices me when I enter through the front door. At first. Grace Ciotta is hard to ignore whenever she walks into a room. My presence demands to be felt. It doesn¡¯t take long for the host to find me and introduce me to all of his friends. Other YouTube personalities, Twitch streamers, Instagram Influencers and micro celebrities. I follow and watch a few of them. Some of them even flew out just to come here.


    And I stand equal with them.


    No.


    I¡¯m above them.


    I¡¯m not like them. I don¡¯t involve myself with the scene. I don¡¯t pursue the money I¡¯m allowed to go after. I¡¯m an outsider and that¡¯s what makes me special in their eyes. I¡¯m an anomaly on how I got my following.


    And Influnecers might be the fakest people around. Everyone here is just to network and use each other to gain more of a following. Collabs and the sorts. No one here is genuine.


    I always thought Influencer parties would be how I imagined them, as crazy as the ones back home. It¡¯s nothing of the sort. It¡¯s just alcohol and drunk decisions. It¡¯s boring.


    I go to the bathroom to do a few lines of cocaine. I haven¡¯t gotten any hints that anyone else here does it. I don¡¯t want to make myself look bad and do it out in the open because I know it¡¯ll come back to bite me in the ass later. I¡¯m using this night to grow my connections. I¡¯ve been thinking about accepting any new sponsorship I¡¯ll get offered. Why not?


    Usually it takes me two or three to get me wired, with this new patch, I only have to do half of one.. I do three just to continue what faded away on the drive here.


    It was never supposed to be like this.


    When I first moved to Darkwood, I thought it was the beginning of my new life. If I only knew how right I was, just in the worst way.


    On my very first day of school, I met Elizabeth¡¯s ex best friend. Megan invited me to the party happening that very night. I thought that this was it, the chance to change. I knew nothing about the intentions of that invitation. I was blind in naivety and hope.


    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    I was only there so Megan had someone to pick on when I would eventually do something stupid because it was going to be the very first time I drank alcohol.


    And I did do something stupid.


    I threw up on Elizabeth.


    The only reason I was there when she shot herself was because I chased after her to apologize when she ran off into the forest. She didn¡¯t do it in front of me on purpose. It was an accident. It haunts me that I managed to find her in that darkness.


    The new life I always wanted started at that moment. This life.


    The group I find myself talking to try and convince me that I should start streaming. They at least want me to play with them whenever they go live and be a part of their videos. They tell me it¡¯ll really help me gain more of a following. It¡¯s all a disguise to try to get to know me and eventually, sleep with me. That¡¯s all the guys want out of me.


    The girls just want me to leave. They¡¯re jealous of me. I¡¯m stealing their thunder. I¡¯m just competition. Passive aggressiveness is all I hear come out of their mouths.


    Maddie pokes my shoulder to get my attention and I hope it¡¯s because she wants to leave. Her phone is practically shoved to my face.


    ¡°Look at what Choi just sent me.¡± It¡¯s a portrait of Maddie. An extremely well drawn one at that. ¡°He¡¯s been sending me other drawings too, but this is the first time he¡¯s done only my face.¡±


    ¡°What are you doing in the others?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, cute shit I guess. It wouldn¡¯t weird me out so much if he didn¡¯t draw me like those Japanese cartoons he always watches.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s what weirds you out and not that he¡¯s drawing you in the first place? And sending them to you? Maddie I love you, but you would be so easy to kidnap.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. I think it''s cute that he¡¯s thinking of me all the time.¡±


    ¡°Ask him out then. He obviously likes you.¡±


    Maddie pulls her phone down and shakes her head. ¡°But he¡¯s like, always been a loser and isn¡¯t that cute either. It wouldn¡¯t be a good look.¡±


    ¡°Why does that matter? We¡¯ve graduated. I don¡¯t think anyone will care. And also, what''s so bad about him that you think he¡¯s a loser?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s into weird shit, like¡­¡±


    ¡°Hold that thought, I gotta go pee,¡± I get up from my seat. Tina looks over at me, scratching her nostril with her finger, a signal asking if I¡¯m going to do coke so she could join. I shake my head.


    I do just that. Not just one bump, or two, but five to the point where my skin feels like it¡¯s being vacuumed sealed on itself. My body begins to shake like I¡¯m being electrocuted. My heart is slamming against my ribs.


    And I couldn¡¯t feel better.


    Maddie¡¯s gone when I leave the bathroom. I¡¯m pulled by the host to his backyard. Several girls are in their bikinis playing around in the pool.


    ¡°What do you think?¡± He asks.


    ¡°What am I supposed to?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know. You don¡¯t look like you¡¯re having much fun. You haven¡¯t left, so there¡¯s that.¡±


    I look over the host¡¯s shoulders where two girls are rolling around in the grass, feeling it like they¡¯re on ecstasy. ¡°What are they on?¡± I nod over.


    ¡°If you wanted to party like that, you should have said so,¡± the host laughs. ¡°They¡¯re on Winter. Ever heard of it?¡±


    ¡°The real one?¡±


    ¡°What other is there?¡±


    I move closer towards the two girls enjoying their high. There¡¯s a bowl that you smoke out of nearby them. Little blue rocks are melted into goo inside.


    The real Winter doesn¡¯t exist.


    ¡°Do you want some?¡±


    I shake my head. ¡°It¡¯s not weird if I just watch, right?¡±


    ¡°No, no,¡± one of the girls gets up from the ground, giggling. ¡°Not weird at all.¡±


    ¡°How does it feel?¡±


    The girl reaches over to the pipe bowl but can¡¯t grab it without stumbling. ¡°Smoke it if you want to find out.¡±


    ¡°There¡¯s no other way to describe it than to experience it,¡± the host tells me.


    The girl flicks the lighter on and smokes what¡¯s left. Her eyes roll to the back of her head then falls back to the ground, mumbling to herself.


    This drug is what Elizabeth was so fucked up on. It¡¯s the greatest high of euphoria in the world. Everyone who¡¯s done it has said it brings peace to the soul. That has only been a rumor. You don¡¯t smoke the real Winter. It hasn¡¯t existed since the people who produced it, Golden Hearts, collapsed. Only a knock off, an imperfection, exists.


    And Elizabeth got her hands on the real thing. It allows access to the soul.


    There¡¯s dozens of stories just like that. No one comes out being the same person. But it¡¯s all tall tales, hallucinations that shouldn¡¯t differ from DMT or an absurdly large acid trip. What they see is not real.


    She believed it showed her how to fix all of the mistakes she made. She was deluded into thinking she could make everything go back to the way it was. She chased after more and only got the fake. She went so far for nothing but an imitation.


    But man, does this Winter high look fun.


    Two girls can¡¯t describe it through their giggling. The best they can tell me is that they see the rainbow through the stars. There are no stars. They¡¯re hidden behind the clouds. They see the clouds are on the ground.


    They tell me that everything will be okay.


    They say that the air is a gossamer that connects everything together.


    I turn to the host and say, ¡°Hey, want to fuck?¡±


    The guy stumbles over his words, ¡°Yu..yeah!¡±


    I follow him to his bedroom and start undressing as soon as he shuts the door. He¡¯s nervous. He didn¡¯t expect this. I grab his dick under his pants and start stroking it. He fumbles trying to pull his pants down and almost trips. I get down on my knees and pull his underwear down. I get ready to suck it but¡­


    It¡¯s still soft.


    He hasn¡¯t gotten hard. He tries to get it himself but he can¡¯t.


    Of course.


    ¡°S¡­sorry,¡± he sighs.


    I grab my clothes before standing up. I don¡¯t know what I expected.


    ¡°Just give me a bit. I just need to calm down.¡±


    ¡°The moment¡¯s over, dude. I¡¯m not in the mood anymore,¡± I say as I put my clothes back on.


    We leave the party a little past 2 AM. Liz is passed out on the backseat, sleeping on Maddie¡¯s shoulder. Tina is on aux, going through her spotify to put a song on. We¡¯re all tired and the drive home has been quiet.


    ¡°Who is this?¡± Maddie asks midway to the song that Tina played.


    Tina holes her head back at Maddie as offended as a middle class suburban white girl with blue and purple hair could be. ¡°You don¡¯t know Emmah?¡±


    ¡°Is this who that is? Huh. I¡¯ve only heard what¡¯s been recommended to me. I thought she only makes Pop and Classical.¡±


    ¡°This is lo-fi. I thought the vibes would be perfect for the way home, isn¡¯t it?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s nice.¡±


    ¡°Try revolutionary.¡±


    I hum along the slow and relaxing melody. I had never heard the song until now. It just comes to me. It¡¯s odd. I hum it like I heard it thousands of times before. It¡¯s many of the odd things that¡¯s been happening to me. Nothing about the past month has been normal. Everything has flown past in a single blink.


    I¡¯m not sure what to make of it.


    ¡°Tonight was pretty feta,¡± I say.


    ¡°Yeah it was,¡± Tina yawns. ¡°At least you and Liz had fun, Maddie.¡±


    ¡°I thought it was lit. I came in with no expectations and I was rewarded. Grace, what did you buy before we left?¡±


    I pull the blue rock out of the console and hold it so Maddie can examine it. I didn¡¯t plan on buying it. I just wanted it just in case I ever got curious enough. The girls came down off their high after an hour or so. Nothing bad happened to them and they were able to go back to normal.


    But now that I¡¯m looking at it, I¡¯m pulled away from it. ¡°Do you want it?¡±


    Maddie takes it. ¡°You don''t?¡±


    ¡°I changed my mind.¡±

 XXII: Gossamer

    Saturday


    Today, I tell myself that I¡¯m proud all my hard work of building some muscle has been paying off.


    Aylin leaves her house the moment she spots me pulling up to her driveway. ¡°I¡¯m sorry for making you come earlier than you have to!¡± She said something before that but said it too fast for me to pay attention. She¡¯s ready to leave as soon as I step out but Aylin takes a few seconds to lower her window. ¡°Helen wants to see her friend. You don¡¯t have to take her, but if you do, don¡¯t let her know I went back on my word. I already told her you can¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t mind.¡±


    ¡°Great, be back in a few hours!¡±


    Helen runs down the stairs after I shut the front door. ¡°Guess what!? Guess what?¡±


    ¡°You found out gullible is written on the ceiling?¡±


    ¡°No, dummy. Adanismee invited me to her house today. Can you take me?¡±


    ¡°Hmm, I don¡¯t know. Can¡¯t you go any other day? You have the whole summer.¡±


    ¡°No!¡± Helen steps on my toe, causing me to wince. ¡°She never invites anyone over. Besides, Micheal is going to be there too.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re too little to worry about boys.¡±


    ¡°Maybe, but patience is rewarded.¡±


    ¡°Oh please, you¡¯re anything but patient.¡±


    ¡°Please, Grace? I won¡¯t ask for anything from you for two weeks, no, a month.¡±


    I roll my eyes. I was joking with her and didn¡¯t mean to make her beg. ¡°Okay, but in return, I don¡¯t want to hear anymore whining for a whole month.¡±


    The little girl smiles and jumps in excitement.


    I don¡¯t believe Helen gave me the right address. It¡¯s either that or I didn¡¯t put it in right. I¡¯m too sleep deprived to give it any focus. It was straining my eyes.


    Google maps take me deep inside Mercer Island where the public roads end and where I feel we¡¯re trespassing. It¡¯s foggy and hard to tell exactly where I¡¯m supposed to go. I turn on the private road where I¡¯m told, up a narrow slope where I¡¯m stopped by a gate. It opens right before I¡¯m able to push the button to be buzzed in.


    We¡¯re being watched.


    There¡¯s so many cameras.


    It¡¯s eerie. I imagine this is exactly how every haunted house movie starts. The fog is right, it¡¯s quiet and remote enough.


    Further up the slope, the entrance to the house finally appears. It¡¯s not a mansion. Well I don¡¯t actually know as I don¡¯t know what would qualify one but this house is twice as large as the biggest one back home. I think there has to be three stories for a house to be considered a mansion. This one has only two. The driveway curves around like a hotel¡¯s valet area and into two garages.


    Certainly feels like a mansion.


    ¡°Are you sure this is the right place?¡± I ask, parking in front of the front doors.


    ¡°Yup!¡± Helen jumps out of her seat and rings the doorbell.


    The same girl from the zoo opens the door. She isn¡¯t excited that we¡¯re here. She barely greets us. Inside, there¡¯s no adult who comes to meet us. Her mom doesn¡¯t come. There¡¯s no maids or butlers or someone similar to how I expected. The only other person in the living room is a little boy with black and long hair. He stops playing the video game on the gigantic TV and gets up from the couch..


    Adanismee introduces him as her brother, Micheal. He stares at me and gives me the creeps. This entire family continues to do so. The boy is eerie, but at least not as much as his sister.


    ¡°Are you two alone?¡± I ask, taking my time to familiarize myself with this place. Somehow I convinced myself that I would be surrounded by mid century antiques and art. This home is too modern to have flavor. It¡¯s decorated exactly how it''s promoted in the magazines to read at the lobby of the dentist¡¯s. I hate the trend of everything being as minimal as possible. Nothing has any flavor anymore. There¡¯s no personality.


    ¡°For the moment,¡± Adanimsee answers, then takes Helen¡¯s hand. ¡°C¡¯mon, let me show you where I¡¯m staying¡±


    My eyes stop at a framed photo in the wall of an aging man next to a beautiful and stunning girl woman barely any older than I am. As I look around more, I find more photos of this girl. She gets younger in each one until I see the Adanismee¡¯s resemblance.


    ¡°Is this your mom? She¡¯s pretty¡± I turn around to face the little boy who¡¯s been watching me this entire time.


    He hasn¡¯t moved an inch.


    ¡°Not my mom. That¡¯s Adanismee¡¯s.¡±


    I look back at the giant frame photo. Micheal manages to sneak beside me without me feeling him. I swear he teleported. It startles me. This really is the beginning of a horror movie, I swear.


    ¡°My mom and her mom were best friends so we grew up together like brother and sister even before she died.¡± He says. ¡°It¡¯s just my mom now.¡±


    The old man in the framed photo must be the grandfather. We¡¯re in his house. There¡¯s no photograph of anyone who could be Micheal¡¯s mom


    ¡°Where¡¯s your mom? Why does she leave you alone?¡±


    ¡°Nearby, I think. She¡¯s watching us right now. She¡¯s who let you through the gate.¡±


    These two kids are left by themselves just like I was. My stomach twists into a knot thinking about that.  It¡¯s no wonder I find both of them to be a bit odd. They¡¯re a tad bit too emotionless and calm to act like a kid should. They aren¡¯t allowed too. Micheal¡¯s mom is all they have left and she isn¡¯t there for them.


    ¡°She should be here.¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s not because Adanismee insisted that you should. Isme didn¡¯t listen to my mom when she told her that you shouldn¡¯t.¡±


    That bewilders me. What a wild thing to say. I look down at the boy, confused if I heard him right. ¡°Why would your mom allow me if I shouldn¡¯t and left because I am?¡±


    If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.


    ¡°I told Isme that it was pointless too but she was too eager.¡± Micheal sighs, not answering my question. He turns around and goes back to resume his video game


    ¡°What are you playing?¡±


    ¡°Fortnite, duh.¡±


    I sit next to him but not too close to get near his personal space. I can tell he wouldn¡¯t like it if I did. ¡°So you can answer questions. Want to answer the one I asked before?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re only here because Isme thinks you¡¯ll wake up if you are.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re not helping your family beat the creepy allegations. What do I have to wake up from?¡±


    ¡°There¡¯s no point in telling you if you can¡¯t understand it.¡±


    I have to admit. As weird and creepy as everything is, I¡¯m interested. It¡¯s too different for me not to be. I knew this day was going to be odd from the beginning. I was at least hoping for Micheal to be somewhat normal. No, he just adds to the oddities.


    What¡¯s there to understand?


    ¡°Try me. I might surprise you.¡± I let out a huge involuntary yawn.


    The boy side eyes me. ¡°If you could, you would have said it already and my mom would be here with us. You would know why they think you¡¯re special.¡±


    I¡¯m not going crazy am I? Am I that tired that I¡¯m not hearing things right? Nothing about the past ten minutes has felt real. Am I dreaming all of this?


    There¡¯s no situation where anyone would be having this conversation.


    ¡°What''s the name of your mom?¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t tell you that.¡±


    ¡°Then what can you tell me?¡±


    ¡°You should leave it alone for now. I already said too much.¡±


    Micheal doesn¡¯t elaborate  further and continues to play his game. Helen¡¯s loud voice quickly overpowers the TV as she runs back inside the living room. Adanismee follows quietly behind her. They sit next to me and watch Micheal play his game along with me.


    Adanismee doesn¡¯t mention anything Micheal talked about. Unlike the first day I met her, she¡¯s the normal one. She doesn¡¯t say anything odd.


    I stay out of it while Helen tries to get Micheal¡¯s attention. Her little eyes shimmer whenever he does. This is her first crush. How confusing must it be for her. She¡¯s still a kid protected from the harsh environment of reality.


    I¡¯m jealous of her.


    Helen gets to enjoy being a kid.


    Then one day, she¡¯ll grow up to be just as cynical and nihilistic as everyone else. But at least for now, she doesn¡¯t have to be. Just like the many odd things of today, my emptiness doesn¡¯t overtake me by my envy. It should.


    Perhaps it¡¯s because I see myself in these two odd kids that I¡¯m able to breathe right now. My sympathy overpowers any jealousy I have. It¡¯s keeping me safe.


    I¡¯m eventually included in their activities and games. I know too well there¡¯s something all wrong with me. It shocks me how there¡¯s something else to discover. It¡¯s uncomfortable how the void in my heart vanishes and I don¡¯t know why.


    Yuele has been the only one able to accomplish this, but it has happened again. It feels the same as the week before. There¡¯s a common denominator, there has to be. I¡¯m too tired to think about what it could be. I¡¯m unable to complete any idea that comes to mind. They cut off in the middle and loop back to the beginning.


    Oh well.


    I don¡¯t need to know.


    I just have to enjoy it as much as I can.


    Adanismee begins to talk to her brother in riddles during a game of Uno. ¡°Can you text Mom that it¡¯s all wrong? The one we haven¡¯t met is here now.¡±


    ¡°If you know, she knows.¡±


    ¡°Know what?¡± I ask.


    ¡°Then keep your mouth shut if you want Mom to keep us safe.¡±


    I¡¯m ignored.


    Adanismee places a card down. ¡°If we aren¡¯t, then why did they follow the pull?


    Huh?


    ¡°You¡¯re the one who feels it. Answer it yourself.¡±


    Helen places down the card she picks up from the deck when it¡¯s her turn. ¡°I wish I was special like you, Isme.¡±


    ¡°What are you two little weirdo¡¯s talking about?¡± I ask. They don¡¯t answer. Then they get mad at me for not taking my turn at the game.


    By the time it¡¯s time to leave, the consequence of always wearing my contact is catching up to me. It strains my eyes just to keep them open by how dry they get. I keep eye drops in my car whenever that becomes an issue. The lack of sleep is catching up to me too but nothing an Aderrall pill can¡¯t handle.


    Adanismee and Micheal walk us outside and say their goodbyes. I don¡¯t get a chance to ask about the note left on my windshield before they shut the door.


    I¡¯m glad for your concern for my kids. Please understand it¡¯s not my wish to leave them alone. I¡¯m a very private person and would like to continue being so. I would put my children at risk if I¡¯m not. Please do not tell anyone about this place or about my kids. Adanismee trusts you, so I will too.


    Thank you for coming, Grace.


    I wish the day would end there. I want the weirdness to end. Helen asks me to go to the park before heading home. I have no qualms about it because I don¡¯t want to go home either, but it bothers me that I bring us to a specific park. I could have chosen any other and closer but  weird makes me drive all the way to Seattle.


    Weird is feeling like I¡¯m being watched while Helen plays. There¡¯s not many kids in the Volunteer Park playground. Their parents watch from the side or on the nearby benches just the same as I¡¯m doing. No one is paying any mind to me, which is odd that I feel a set of eyes on me.


    Helen is playing with kids she¡¯s never met and will never meet again. It¡¯s easy for her to make friends. She¡¯ll have an easier time than I ever did growing up and that makes me jealous. I¡¯d throw up that I can resent a child like that if I still walked around glass shards. It was only hurting me by avoiding them.


    I think this¡¯ll be the last time I sit for Aylin. She can ask Felix if she needs someone that bad. He¡¯s not going anywhere soon.


    I can¡¯t wait for Helen to tire herself out so I can go home.


    A girl around Helen¡¯s age makes me look up from my phone. It¡¯s that same weirdness again. I¡¯m drawn to her eyes. A girl this young doesn¡¯t typically wear contacts. She looks at me just how Adanismee first did, like she knows me.


    ¡°Need something?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m Audrey.¡±


    I circle my eyes around to check who¡¯s around. I¡¯m still being watched. That hasn¡¯t gone away.


    ¡°Okay, so?¡±


    Audrey tilts her head in confusion. ¡°Oh. I see. You¡¯re here by accident.¡±


    ¡°What are you talking about?¡±


    The girl looks over towards the parked cars in the street. It¡¯s there where I see who¡¯s been watching me. Audrey waves at her father, who waves back in the comfort in his car. He¡¯s in the middle of a phone call.


    ¡°I was waiting for you. Dad is going to be mad. I made him come all this way. I wasted his time.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re wasting my time.¡±


    ¡°She says that you shouldn¡¯t be rude.¡±


    ¡°Who?¡± I raise my eyebrow.


    ¡°She wants me to talk to you for her, but it''s hard to understand her because you haven¡¯t woken up. You don¡¯t want to.¡±


    I stand up, mad at this girl for creeping me out. ¡°Listen kid, what the hell are you talking about?¡±


    Audrey points to the empty seat on my side, ¡°The girl next to you.¡±


    Ghosts?


    I¡¯m losing my mind that I¡¯m even entertaining the idea.


    ¡°What about her?¡±


    ¡°She desperately wants to talk to you.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s her name?¡±


    ¡°Audrey! What did I tell you about talking to strangers?¡± A woman grabs hold of the little girl''s hand. The mother then turns her attention towards me. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry. I hope she didn¡¯t bother you too much.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s¡­fine?¡±


    ¡°C¡¯mon, you¡¯ve been here long enough. It¡¯s time to leave, your father¡¯s waiting.¡±


    Audrey tries to tug away from her mothers grip as she¡¯s led away. ¡°No! I need to be here! I need another minute! I won¡¯t get another chance!¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s enough with your imaginary friends!¡±


    What the hell was that about?


    Helen tackles me and nearly knocks me back down to my seat. ¡°Look at this stick I just found! It looks exactly like the one from the movie I watched yesterday.¡±


    I take the stick and pretend to claw at Helen. ¡°I thought you didn¡¯t like movies.¡±


    ¡°I like scary movies. Felix watched it with me. That was a lot of blood and guts.¡±


    ¡°Should you be watching that stuff?¡±


    ¡°Grace, stop treating me like I¡¯m a little kid! You¡¯re just like my mom! You don¡¯t have to protect me from everything.¡±


    I giggle, ¡°Okay, fine. What movie did you guys watch?¡±


    ¡°Candyman! It¡¯s Felix¡¯s favorite. Did you know that I¡¯m named after Helen in the movie? Felix said that he chose that name for my mom when she couldn¡¯t decide.¡±


    Candyman.


    Huh.


    I watched the movie with Sara years ago during a horror film marathon. What a funny little coincidence.

 XXIII: Is this really it?

    Sunday


    I still haven¡¯t slept.


    After I dropped Helen home, Aylin invited me to stay for dinner. Felix was there to join us. I declined. I was afraid that my exhaustion was starting to become noticeable.


    I got home, got high again, and don¡¯t remember anything else.


    I don¡¯t remember how I ended up at Pier 62 in Seattle. This is unlike me. I go through my phone to see if it can fill in the gaps or if I did anything stupid.


    Tina and Liz are freaking out on me and all of my missed calls are from them. Maddie was taken to the hospital when her parents found her high on the drugs I gave her. They say she was found as a mumbling zombie. Tina and Liz are trying to figure out what to do if Maddie ever says where she got it from. They think they¡¯re complicit and will get in trouble. They¡¯ve been desperately trying to reach me on what to do.


    I finally responded to them assuring them that Maddie would never snitch on us. This eases their worries.


    I lean over the Pier¡¯s railing to see my distorted reflection.


    ¡°I like how you dressed today,¡± I say.


    I lean back and observe my surroundings. Why would I come here?


    I make my way over in between the Aquarium and the Great Wheel where the fountain sculpture is at. I sit on the stairway to give my legs a break and to reply to all the messages I¡¯ve ignored.


    I take a deep breath then shut my eyes. They practically slam down and I don¡¯t attempt to see if I can open them. I scratch my palms on the rough texture of the concrete. Behind me, a group of kids are playing with the fountain and splashing the water all over the place. A skateboard rolls by beside me, jumping and landing below. A couple sitting on the benches below me are talking about the details of a project for their job. A group of friends are approaching from the front. They¡¯re laughing through a story being told.


    My friends used to be like them. We came here. The last time I came here was with them. It was the final day they would all stay friends with each other. It was about to snap, but it was still there. The dominoes that fell after Elizabeth¡¯s death were rearing their ugly head. The ramifications of her revenge became too large to ignore.


    But It¡¯s still the most fun I ever had in my life. I haven¡¯t forgotten a single detail. From exploring Pike¡¯s Place, to adding my gum to the gum walls and walking down to the pier. Andrew jumped over the railing and into the sea for no reason. Emily and Cody got on the ferris wheel. Chris talked about the weirdest subjects and I was just there along the ride. I was just happy to be included and couldn¡¯t see what was going on underneath. Cody and Andrew were at each other¡¯s throats. Emily was trying to decide if she wanted to move in with her mom in New York. Sara¡¯s desire to be left out went unnoticed.


    It was supposed to be the perfect day.


    But that day was also the day Andrew got in a car accident with Emily, which forced her to move to New York. Cody and Andrew fought because of it. Emily ended her friendship with Cody. Sara disappeared and tried to kill herself. And Chris eventually stopped coming to school less and less. That was the day I lost the friends I made when I was at my worthlessness and ugliest. Nothing has been right since that day.


    I¡¯m 18 now, but I haven¡¯t grown past that 14 year old.


    My eyes open.


    I must have fallen asleep. I¡¯m still deathly tired. I¡¯m the kind of tired that sleep won¡¯t fix.


    I don¡¯t look straight when I stand up and a guy bumps me back down to the ground. I guess he wasn¡¯t looking. He lifts me up, apologizing but stopping midway once our eyes meet.


    ¡°Frank.¡±


    ¡°Twice in one month now. What a coincidence. Sorry, I wasn¡¯t looking. See ya,¡±


    I let him walk away.


    Then I decide I don¡¯t want him too.


    ¡°Hey, wait up!¡±


    Frank stops and turns around, annoyed that he did. ¡°Stop trying to be my friend, Grace. It¡¯s not going to happen. We live in two different worlds.¡±


    I keep some distance from him. ¡°That¡¯s not what I want.¡±


    ¡°Then leave me alone.¡±


    ¡°How did you do it?¡±


    ¡°Do what?¡±


    ¡°The teasing. How were you able to brush it off everytime? It never bothered you.¡±


    ¡°Why do you care?¡±


    ¡°I just¡­¡± I clasp my hands infront of me. ¡°Wanted to see if I could have done something else so I wouldn¡¯t be either.¡±


    Frank jerks his head back, ¡°When were you ever made fun of?¡±


    ¡°You don¡¯t remember. Nobody does. Back when we were freshman everyone called me Brainguts because of Elizabeth. And then a rumor started that I was a curse and brought misfortune for those around me after what happened to my friends. Everyone avoided me.¡±


    Why am I even thinking about that?


    Frank lowers his eyebrows and shuts his mouth. ¡°I didn¡¯t brush it off, Grace. I endured it. Why do you think I moved away last year?¡±


    Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.


    ¡°I tried my best to help you, y¡¯know.¡±


    ¡°No, you didn¡¯t. You¡¯re Grace. People listen to you. If you truly did want to help me, you could have just told everyone to stop, but you didn¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°I¡­see.¡±


    Frank turns around and tries to leave again.


    ¡°No, wait!¡± I run up and close the gap in distance more when Frank stops again. ¡°Why did you never stand up for yourself? Why did you never try to change what you were made fun of for?¡±


    ¡°It wasn¡¯t worth my time. I wasn¡¯t going to change what I like about myself. It was easier to move away to where everyone isn¡¯t a prick.¡±


    I take a few steps forward, stopping when I¡¯m close enough to reach him if I extend my hand. ¡°I tried to be your friend but I never bothered to learn a thing about you, did I?¡±


    ¡°That sums it up.¡±


    ¡°Where are you headed?¡±


    ¡°Your eyes are dead. Get some sleep.¡± He says.


    ¡°Y¡¯know what? Fuck you. I¡¯ve been nothing but nice to you and you¡¯ve only been a dick. It¡¯s no fucking wonder you never had any fucking friends. You¡¯re just a fucking miserable loser. I should have never wasted my time you.¡±


    Frank breaks away eye contact but doesn¡¯t seem bothered. ¡°I wished you were a little bit more honest back then.¡±


    ¡°And I¡¯m glad you got shitted on. You fucking deserved it.¡±


    Frank laughs. ¡°Well aren¡¯t you just a bitch? For a second, I thought I had you all wrong.¡±


    ¡°Fuck you!¡±


    ¡°Whatever, Grace. Leave me alone next time.¡±


    I let him go.


    A pair of girls walk past me. They¡¯re laughing. ¡°Oh my god, she smells like shit.¡±


    It¡¯s probably not directed at me.


    I don¡¯t care.


    Rejection hurts, even at the smallest level. I¡¯ve been hiding from my frustration the entire weekend. I haven¡¯t slept but that¡¯s nothing new. I¡¯m used to not thinking straight. I can control it.


    Behind me there¡¯s a group of middle schoolers approaching. I take off running towards them, sprinting at them, yelling and screaming and flailing my arms around. They get scared and run off in the opposite direction. Someone calls me crazy and then I chase them away.


    She¡¯s crazy. She¡¯s crazy. Madman. Stay away from her.


    Is all I hear.


    Then I start barking and howling at anyone who doesn¡¯t run away from me. Barking and howling until everyone leaves.


    My knees almost collapse, but I¡¯m able to catch my breath and walk away.


    I find where I parked and head home.


    Today has been so different. Odd things keep happening to me.


    I¡¯m different from the rest of the world. I was born different. I know that much. I look human but I never felt like one. I have a hard time trying to understand them. I imitate them so I can pretend to. If I don¡¯t do a good enough job, real humans can tell I¡¯m not one of them. They¡¯ll avoid me like a monster.


    It doesn¡¯t matter how good of a job I do. Deep down in their subconscious they know I¡¯m not like them.


    No one can truly ever love a monster.


    I became the sun to be loved, and now no one can look at me.


    But what sort of thinking is that?


    It¡¯s rumination.


    I¡¯ve been so fucking angry. I¡¯ve stopped caring. Why do I care all of a sudden? It¡¯s this fucking pull. I¡¯m still pulled where there¡¯s no one to find. I can¡¯t describe it but something inside me is telling me to stop while I¡¯m ahead. It¡¯s begging me.


    This isn¡¯t me.


    I¡¯m afraid I¡¯m going to reach a point that¡¯ll be too hard for me to come back from. Fucking shit, I can¡¯t do this anymore. I can¡¯t do this by myself.


    I need help.


    I¡¯m looking for answers when I don¡¯t have the right tools to use. I¡¯m inside a cubicle and I can¡¯t leave to find the correct ones. I need someone outside my box. They¡¯re not confined within the rules of inside my mind.


    I need my mom.


    She¡¯s home.


    I open the front door and she¡¯s jogging down the stairs. ¡°Mom, can we talk?¡±


    She rushes to the kitchen to grab her keys but has trouble finding them. ¡°Not right now, I have to leave. I need to make sure the girls are doing okay.¡±


    ¡°Wait, what happened?¡±


    Mom finds her keys and turns around, confused. ¡°Did Sara not call you?¡±


    I vaguely remember getting a few texts from her driving back home. I haven¡¯t opened them.


    ¡°Grace. Fey¡¯s dad died.¡±


    ¡°...how?¡±


    ¡°We don¡¯t know yet. He just collapsed,¡± Mom sighs, walking up to me at the front door. I get out of her way. ¡°Can you make dinner tonight?¡±


    ¡°Wait, no, I need to talk¡­¡±


    Mom stops before getting in her car. ¡°Grace, Sara needs me. We can talk when I come back. You can wait.¡±


    My hand is reaching out to her. It drops when she shuts the car door. ¡°I need you¡­¡± I say only for my ears to hear.


    She¡¯s doing it again.


    I¡¯m not important enough.


    I don¡¯t come first.


    It¡¯s Sara who needs my mom¡¯s full attention. It¡¯s Andrew who needs her help.


    I can¡¯t fucking take it.


    It¡¯s strange.


    She¡¯s never been a mother at all. She¡¯s been a cage of punishment my entire life. It¡¯s a fitting one for a monster. To yearn for a warmth that burns as much as it brings comfort and to not want to share it.


    I strip myself off my clothes in my room. Dried up sweat has fused onto my skin and has dirtied it. My hair has knots. I have to shave what has grown over the past three days. I smell.


    I haven¡¯t showered.


    I do more lines in the bathroom.


    I pour a random amount of rocks of MDMA into my mouth out the baggie. I shouldn¡¯t have given away that fake Winter to Maddie. I don¡¯t care if it¡¯s temporary. I want it to tell me everything is going to be okay. This whole week I¡¯ve been doing whatever I wanted without thought. I just have been me but now that Maddie got caught in the crossfire, I think I was still holding on to the light that is killing me. I still haven¡¯t let it go.


    I don¡¯t care anymore.


    My mom sure doesn¡¯t.


    I stare at my naked body¡¯s reflection. It¡¯s me. It¡¯s Grace. Grace with the red eyes and dark circles under them. Grace with a clogged up nose. Grace with her tears sagging her cheeks.


    Grace with the giant round eyes that she hates. Grace with a nose too small and lips too thin. Grace with a smile that doesn¡¯t feel right to make. Grace who wishes she¡¯s taller. Grace who wishes her breasts were bigger or smaller and can¡¯t ever decide which she would prefer.


    The Grace who just wants someone to love her.


    The Grace who just wants to love herself.


    It hurts me more and more. It rips through my flesh but it only damages my mind. It¡¯s an illusion of which I¡¯ll never be free from. I¡¯ve obsessed my identity in relation to others and where has that left me? My soul has been rotting.


    I crave affection.


    I only desperately wanted for anyone to hear my wailing screams. But who can hear those screams when they¡¯re masked with smiles? How could they know what¡¯s behind them when they don¡¯t even look at me? How do you save a fish drowning in the ocean?


    Oh Virginia Woolf, aren''t you nervous?

 XXIV: Till Infinity

    Tuesday


    Sadness and sorrow fill the air.


    It¡¯s expected at a funeral.


    The rain only multiplies it.


    I think it¡¯s a bit twisted to have the funeral be done in the same church the priest served. It¡¯s a bit more fucked up that he died after fighting through hell to beat his cancer. Mom says he could have survived if his body wasn¡¯t so weak. The irony.


    The church is packed full like the entire town is crammed inside. It¡¯s a bit hypocritical. Hardly anyone here is religious, but I guess respect still has to be made. Freyja¡¯s dad at least made an attempt to be something positive in the sea of darkness. For all his prejudices and faults, he was a good man.


    It¡¯s uncomfortable for me to listen to the eulogy his wife makes. It¡¯s heartfelt and very sweet. She has a hard time getting through it. I¡¯m uncomfortable because I¡¯m the only one who isn¡¯t sad. I¡¯m supposed to be. Freyja is my friend and her dad died, but I sort of haven¡¯t cared. I think I like it more this way.


    It¡¯s Fey¡¯s turn to speak.


    She talks about her rocky relationship with her father once she came out to him. She talks about how much her father hated her for being gay. She talks about her personal journey with God and everything she¡¯s gone through. She talks about the day her father willingly talked to Sara and found an understanding. Freyja laughs that Sara didn¡¯t even mean to try and change his belief as she was just being herself. She¡¯s grateful that change happened as it brought her closer to her family and God.


    Sara isn¡¯t standing too far away and she¡¯s having a harder time keeping herself together than Fey is.


    She closes with her father¡¯s final words.


    It¡¯s Alex¡¯s turn to speak.


    I wanted to reach out to him. His dad died. He¡¯s in as much pain as his mother and sister. I should have at least acknowledged that he has my condolences. I¡¯ve been silent. I closed his chapter in my book. He doesn¡¯t matter anymore.


    We meet eyes for a split second before he begins to speak.


    I begin to get nauseous. I don¡¯t want to be here.


    Right before the service ends, another person is asked to speak.


    Me.


    I try to get out of it by explaining I don¡¯t have anything else to say that already hasn''t. I don¡¯t have anything to say at all. Why would anyone think that I do?


    Of course, it¡¯s because I¡¯m Grace Ciotta.


    I¡¯m forced to go up to the podium by the constant peer pressure and I fucking hate it.


    The view is different from up here. I see that it¡¯s more packed than I previously thought. They¡¯re all waiting for what I have to say. I¡¯m only here because I¡¯m the example that Freyja¡¯s father believed they should all follow. But that Grace is fake. She¡¯s not real. I am and I don¡¯t give a shit.


    But I¡¯m the best at make-believe.


    ¡°I¡¯m not exactly sure how to begin. I wasn¡¯t told I¡¯ll be doing this so I never got a speech ready,¡± I begin. My nervousness has settled and slowed the pace of my words.


    I turn my head to look at Freyja, then at Sara. I look at Alex too. He¡¯s encouraging me too. I look at my mom sitting down. She¡¯s smiling for once. She¡¯s proud.


    ¡°I didn¡¯t know Mr. Elledge very well. I always thought he was grumpy and scary looking and I only heard stories from Fey. When I met him, he was just as I imagined. Maybe it was because I never really got to know him. The last time we talked wasn¡¯t too long ago. He was a lot different than when I first knew him. He said he was very grateful that he was able to. I think he was able to because of the people around him to challenge him. It¡¯s easy to forget how much our lives can impact each other with so little. Mr. Elledge always strived to bring the best out of people. He¡¯s a lot similar to my mom in that regard and she¡¯s my hero.¡±


    I look at my mom and she clutches her heart.


    ¡°I¡¯m not religious by any means. I¡¯m not sure if there even is a God. I would like there to be. Regardless, I think that¡¯s not the point in always trying to be a little bit nicer and kinder. I don¡¯t think God would want us to be kind just because he said so or in case he does exist. That kindness and gentleness isn¡¯t genuine. It¡¯s selfishness masked in selflessness. Mr. Elledge wanted us to strive for genuine kindness too. He lives that legacy in his wife, in his daughter, and his son. He left it with me.¡±


    I have too much hate and anger inside of me now.


    Everything I said was a lie.


    #


    Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.


    Freyja lays a checkered picnic blanket on top of Darkwood¡¯s hill so Sara and her wouldn¡¯t get wet when they sit down. They tie their umbrellas to a speaker Sara brought and get under them. I choose to stand under my own. It¡¯s just us three now that the funeral and wake is over. I¡¯m unsure why Freyja asked me to come. She should be alone with Sara at a time like this. I¡¯m less sure why I agreed.


    Sara puts on a song that¡¯s calming and intimate and does not raise the volume too high. It takes me a moment to recognize it. It¡¯s not too surprising. Emmah Melody Ryan is also Sara and Fey¡¯s favorite artist. They were lucky enough to see her live in the last concert she ever performed.


    I stay out of it while Sara and Fey talk to each other. I fade out and pay more attention to the speaker.


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure what¡¯s going to happen,¡± Freyja says when I start paying attention again. ¡°Alex hinted that he¡¯ll take over the church. He was adamant that he didn¡¯t want to before.¡±


    ¡°Minds can change when things like this happen. It¡¯s a lot to process. I¡¯ll give him time.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m still stuck on what I want to do.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll support whatever you choose,¡± Sara softly says. She tilts her up at me then grabs my wrist and pulls me down. ¡°Grace, sit. Stop being an outsider. I want you here too.¡±


    ¡°You gave a wonderful speech. I know you didn¡¯t want to. My mom shouldn¡¯t have forced you.¡±


    I sit in between my sister and her girlfriend. I no longer have a choice.


    ¡°It¡¯s fine. It wasn¡¯t too hard.¡±


    ¡°You made Mom tear up when you called her your hero,¡± Sara giggles.


    ¡°Freyja, why did you ask me to come?¡±


    She shrugs, ¡°I just thought you should.¡±


    I begin to play with the cotton fibers of the picnic blanket. Sara toys around with a cigarette in her mouth. She never lights them up but having one in her mouth is comforting for her. Fey hugs her knees together and stares at the horizon.


    It¡¯s only the light rain and the quiet music now.


    I stopped believing in God when he would answer the prayers of all the other kids and never mine.


    It was unfair.


    God is supposed to be all loving.


    Why would he put me through such suffering?


    Why do I have to suffer?


    What did I do to deserve it?


    ¡°How can you believe in a God that took your father away, Fey? Why would he let him beat cancer just to kill him when he did?¡±


    ¡°Grace!¡± Sara sternly says.


    ¡°It¡¯s alright, Sara,¡± Freyja¡¯s voice is directly opposite. Freyja grabs hold of my hand. ¡°It¡¯s a bit cruel, isn¡¯t it?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°I think this is why God asked me to bring you here. You want to know.¡±


    ¡°I thought you didn¡¯t have a reason.¡±


    Fey shakes her head, ¡°I felt that you should and that was his will.¡±


    ¡°How can you know that?¡±


    ¡°Faith.¡±


    That¡¯s bullshit.


    ¡°And what did faith get you? It didn¡¯t save your dad.¡±


    ¡°You misunderstand, Grace. Maybe that¡¯s what I would have thought before, but I¡¯ve grown closer to God. God had nothing to do with it. I¡¯ve learned that worship is optional. The best hymn I know is devotion.¡±


    ¡°How is that any better? What¡¯s the point of God?¡±


    ¡°To be a guide to achieve genuine kindness and gentleness. When I shared my dad¡¯s final words, I lied. I was there when he died. I¡¯m the only one who heard them.¡±


    ¡°Why did you share the other ones?¡± Sara asks.


    ¡°Because it¡¯s Grace¡¯s to hear.¡±


    I jolt back. The weird energy envelopes Freyja similar to how that little girl Adanimsee had. It¡¯s a bit different, like Fey is only borrowing it.


    ¡°Do you know what he said?¡±


    How could I possibly guess? I shake my head.


    ¡°He said, ¡®I see God in Grace Ciotta.¡¯¡±


    The ringing in my ears muffle the world. My vision becomes blurry again. I don¡¯t want to be here anymore. I¡¯m freaked out and it¡¯s getting hard to breathe. I give myself a bit of distance where my umbrella is no longer protecting me and my back is getting wet.


    Fey¡¯s creepy aura disappears and I¡¯m able to calm down right after.


    Sara¡¯s more confused at Fey than I am. ¡°Are you sure?¡±


    Freyja nods. ¡°I promise.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t be ridiculous,¡± I try to laugh it off. ¡°We¡¯ve only talked like three times. There¡¯s no way I was the final thing on his mind.¡±


    ¡°Believe me now when I thought you should be here?¡±


    ¡°No, that¡¯s fucking bullshit. How can you say that?¡±


    Freyja shrugs, ¡°I¡¯m not in a position to try to understand what it means. My dad was a fanatic evangelical and stuck in his beliefs. He started to slowly change after he met you. It¡¯s like he knew what he believed in his entire life was wrong. He became accepting of me and Sara after he did. He became so loving. I hope to know why one day.¡±


    ¡°God is cruel, Fey. He took away Elizabeth from you because you loved her. He gave you dad cancer because you admitted you love Sara. He killed him because you refuse-¡±


    Slap!


    ¡°That¡¯s enough, Grace!¡± My sister yells.


    She didn¡¯t playfully slap me like she does with Andrew. There was real force behind it. It stings.


    ¡°Sara¡­it¡¯s okay. I¡¯m fine. Grace isn¡¯t saying anything I already haven¡¯t thought of.


    ¡°Your dad blamed you for all of that before, Freyja. How can you not blame yourself?¡±


    ¡°Why would I do that to myself?¡±


    ¡°Grace, you still went out of line. Apologize.¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°Gracie!¡±


    ¡°No! I didn¡¯t say anything wrong! You prayed for Elizabeth to love you and when she did, he took her away from you! If God is real and is in me, why the fuck did he take so much away from me too?! It¡¯s fucking bullshit! It¡¯s a sick joke¡±


    Slap!


    ¡°That¡¯s enough! I can¡¯t believe you.¡±


    I rub my burning cheek while I stare down Freyja. ¡°Don¡¯t think I¡¯ll start having faith over a dead man¡¯s words.¡±


    Slap


    This time, Freyja softened the blow by taking the hit for me with her hand.


    ¡°That¡¯s enough, Sara,¡± Freyja''s voice is still calm. ¡°It¡¯s been a hard day for all of us. Grace is just lost, let her be frustrated.¡±


    Frustrated is an understatement.


    Hatred.


    Anger.


    Disgust.


    I hate myself.


    I¡¯m angry at everyone I love.


    I¡¯m disgusted that this is all I can feel since my mom broke my heart Sunday.

 XXV: Lento

    Wednesday


    I¡¯ve spent $5,000 on clothes split between two stores. On top of what I already used, I¡¯m still left well over $40,000 out of the 50. I could have bought more than three total outfits with 5,000, but the prettiest clothes don¡¯t come cheap.


    As I walk towards my third destination of the outlet mall, I catch Emily walking out of it. I get her under my umbrella before she¡¯s able to get wet.


    I¡¯m not happy to see her. I¡¯m angry. She has hurt me too. She didn¡¯t have to use me as a tool. I did not deserve to be a test for her to see if Cody could change when she asked him to watch over me.


    But she doesn¡¯t know that so I don¡¯t show it.


    ¡°I heard you gave a really nice speech for the funeral. How is Freyja holding up?¡±


    ¡°As best as she can, I guess. She has Sara to be there for her.¡±


    To be honest, I haven¡¯t poked my head into that situation. Sara has spent every night at Fey¡¯s since it happened. Mom being mom, spends her free time over there too. I¡¯ve had the house all to myself but it hasn¡¯t felt any less empty.


    Sara told my mom how I acted towards Freyja when she woke up today. My mom tried to talk to me about it but I didn¡¯t let her, so I left which is why I¡¯m here now.


    I switch topics over to Jerrica and Andrew since there hasn¡¯t been an update. Andrew hasn¡¯t visited since dropping me home two weeks ago.


    ¡°They¡¯ve been fighting, but no more than usual. Jerrica doesn¡¯t bring it up and it¡¯s been like it never happened.¡±


    ¡°And what do you feel about it?¡±


    Emily shrugs, ¡°I wasn¡¯t surprised. Andrew¡¯s been around long enough for me to know he isn¡¯t the same guy back then. He¡¯s let go of that past. Your mom actually dropped by a few days ago.¡±


    She didn¡¯t tell me.


    ¡°Oh yeah? What for?¡±


    ¡°Well Jerrica told me she did. I was at my Dad¡¯s. I guess your mom wanted to have an honest conversation with him. She didn¡¯t tell me what she said, but it¡¯s not hard to guess what it was about.¡±


    ¡°Everything worked out in the end, huh?¡±


    ¡°I guess so,¡± Emily giggles. ¡°Hey listen, what are you doing Friday night? Want to come to my cousin¡¯s wedding?


    ¡°Isn¡¯t Soran already your plus one?¡±


    ¡°My cousin isn¡¯t a control freak, she wouldn¡¯t mind a few extra people. They¡¯ll be room for you. What¡¯dya say? It¡¯ll be nice to keep your mind off things.¡±


    ¡°Thanks for inviting me all the time in the world to get ready for it.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t worry about what to wear too much. I can help you find something while we¡¯re here.¡±


    ¡°You should invite Cody instead of me.¡±


    Emily laughs, ¡°Don¡¯t be ridiculous. Too much has happened for us to be friends.¡±


    ¡°Have you seen him since the tree house?¡±


    She nods, ¡°I managed to convince him to be there when I visited his mom. I don¡¯t think she would have let me off that easily if he wasn¡¯t.¡±


    Emily and Cody were childhood loves. The kind that can only exist in fiction. They were always meant for eachother, but what a tragedy fell between  them. There isn¡¯t a greater one than always should but never could.


    Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.


    We sit on a nearby bench instead of blocking the entrance of the store we were standing in front of. There¡¯s a canopy over it to better protect us from the rain.


    ¡°And how did that go?¡±


    ¡°As well as I deserved.¡±


    ¡°Was it a smart idea to do all that? What if it sparks old feelings alive?¡±


    ¡°I can¡¯t not visit who I see as my second mom. It went fine, Grace. I told you that you didn¡¯t have to worry. We¡¯re different people now, better people.¡±


    Better people.


    Who determines that?


    How do you prove that?


    I want to know.


    ¡°Isn¡¯t it nice to know Cody became the man you always wanted him to be? He could have never done it if you hadn''t left.¡±


    Emily faintly smiles. Behind it, there¡¯s a frown. I got what I wanted. I don¡¯t have to say anything else. ¡°We both deserve better.¡±


    I don¡¯t have to say anything more, but I do, ¡°That¡¯s an interesting way of saying both of you are not worth getting better for.¡±


    Emily flinches away from me. I struck a chord. Good. It takes her a moment to collect herself. ¡°Give me your phone number,¡± Emily pulls out her phone. ¡°I want to stay in touch.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re leaving on Wednesday, right, Ems?¡± I ask after Emily saves my number.


    ¡°Yeah. The month really flew by. Come with me to the wedding, Gracie. It¡¯ll be fun.¡±


    We part ways after talking for a bit more. Emily goes off to continue shopping but my desire to do the same faded. I leave the Outlet and head over to Cody¡¯s apartment. I arrive unannounced but don¡¯t have to worry about him not being home.


    Cody¡¯s in the middle of brushing his teeth when he opens the door to let me inside. His apartment hasn¡¯t changed since I last came. The warm colors on top of the gigantic bookshelves across his wall reminds me more of a library than a studio apartment. Cody still doesn¡¯t bother to organize all the journals he has laying everywhere either.


    ¡°What are you doing here?¡± Cody walks over to the kitchen sink to spit out the toothpaste.


    ¡°I ran into Emily,¡± I say, plotting my ass on his couch.


    ¡°Congratulations.¡±


    ¡°You failed to mention that you hung out with her.¡±


    Cody walks over to his closet and puts on a shirt. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t exactly call it hanging out. She visited my mom. That¡¯s all it was.¡±


    I turn on his TV and scroll through his YouTube to find something to watch. ¡°That¡¯s still a dangerous game to play.¡±


    ¡°Cut the bullshit, Grace. Say what you want to say.¡±


    I look over to Cody who sits next and begins to put on his shoes. ¡°Don¡¯t you think it¡¯s a bit weird that we¡¯re all in the same place again? The same month, just three years apart.¡±


    ¡°Not everyone. Chris hasn¡¯t gotten better.¡±


    ¡°Y¡¯know what I mean. None of us ever thought it could ever happen, but here we are. Wasn¡¯t Chris obsessed with fate and destiny? Too many outliers have been happening for me not to feel like this isn¡¯t fate.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re reading too much into it,¡± Cody leans over his coffee table and picks up the bong. ¡°I¡¯m not the one tied to fate.¡±


    I shake my head, continuing to scroll down YouTube. ¡°You haven¡¯t felt it, have you? It hasn¡¯t pulled on you?¡±


    Cody coughs after taking a hit of his bong, ¡°What am I supposed to feel?¡±


    I settled on a music video of one the hip hop artists Cody listens to. ¡°I don¡¯t know, maybe that it hasn¡¯t been an accident that you keep running into Emily.¡±


    I¡¯m talking out of my ass. I have given it thought to how it could be possible for everything to line up perfectly. It would be nice to believe it¡¯s fate. The closest I ever was to believing it exists is this pull that leads me nowhere. It wants me to follow it, but I already have. There¡¯s nothing there. I was just wondering if Cody had one that led him to Emily.


    The pull on the invisible string attached to me gets stronger by the day. Not by much, but enough to notice it after a few weeks.


    I¡¯m filled with strange.


    ¡°Is that what you feel? What¡¯s pulling you?¡±


    ¡°At what point does this stuff stop being coincidence?¡±


    ¡°You too, huh? Well, it hasn¡¯t bothered me.¡±


    ¡°Maybe it''s your chance to get proper closure with her this time. Talk it out and end on good terms this time.¡±


    Cody chuckles and stands up. ¡°I¡¯m leaving. You can stick around but lock the door when you leave.¡±


    ¡°Where are you going?¡±


    ¡°Going to meet my producer. We¡¯re starting my album today. She doesn¡¯t like it when I¡¯m late.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t forget to send me the demos!¡±


    ¡°Yeah, yeah,¡± Cody waves me off.


    I make myself more comfortable by stealing a blanket off his unmade bed and wrap myself with it on the couch. It¡¯s the perfect temperature in his apartment. It¡¯s chilly but not so much so I need the blanket. The windows are foggy and that gray blends well with the earthly brown of the apartment. It sets the perfect vibe. I could stay here forever.


    On the recommended tab, it suggests songs from Emmah Melody Ryan. Cody¡¯s already watched these based on the red playbar being filled up at various positions. I¡¯ve never heard any of these, they¡¯re her classical songs.


    There isn¡¯t a better atmosphere for me not to start.

 XXVI: LSDreams

    Thursday Night


    This anger subsides when I¡¯m with Yuele.


    Friday nights have become the only times I¡¯ve been able to be happy. I¡¯m still unsure what he brings out of me that makes me feel like this. But he¡¯s safe and fun to be around.


    We¡¯re going on tonight, just like most Friday nights. Tonight¡¯s a little bit more special. Where we¡¯re going isn¡¯t exactly legally allowed to happen. It¡¯s under an abandoned tunnel outside of Seattle where nobody ever ventures out to.


    It¡¯s the underground scene.


    It¡¯s techno.


    It¡¯s the genre Yuele and I both like, so I know it¡¯s going to be a fantastic night.


    But it isn¡¯t Yuele who¡¯s coming. It¡¯s Yuna. She¡¯s making her first public appearance with me. I didn¡¯t ask her to. She wanted to. She said she wanted to dance nonstop with me as her best friend.


    For techno shows, I like to dress in all black. I show a bit more skin with these outfits. Tonight¡¯s outfit is a laced crop top, high waisted shorts and lace hand warmers. I borrowed Sara¡¯s goth platform boots with straps that  almost reach up to my knees.


    Yuna shockingly dresses more provokingly than me. Her top is functionally just a bra with a short skirt that barely attempts to cover her ass. The tops it off some Doc Marten boots. Yuna would never willingly dress like this.


    We pregame inside my car for a bit. The tunnel is a few minutes walk away but the bass reaches us from here. I¡¯m not one to drink hard liquor at raves, but fuck it, with how Yuna came out, it¡¯s a special occasion.


    Yuna¡¯s eyes are wide as she watches me chug down a quarter of the whiskey handle. ¡°How do you not gag?¡± She chuckles after I swallow the poison without making a face or diluting the taste with a chaser.


    ¡°I¡¯m an excellent dick sucker.¡±


    Yuna laughs, taking a sip out of the handle. ¡°Does it translate to eating out? I¡¯ll be the guinea pig.¡±


    ¡°How about we actually get you laid tonight? Get it out of your system.¡±


    ¡°Only if you¡¯re there to hold my hand during.¡±


    ¡°Ew no, I¡¯m not into that voyeur shit.¡±


    ¡°Then how do you know what it¡¯s called?¡± Yuna smirks.


    I toss the bottle into my trunk and shut it, ¡°I¡¯m not the one with the porn addiction here. C¡¯mon, we have a long night ahead of us.¡±


    Yuna follows closely behind and I lead us down a dirt trail that eventually goes to the tunnel. The rave is already packed by the time we arrive and based on past experiences, will stay so until the sun begins to rise. However, these are the best nights. There¡¯s no better feeling than watching the sunrise after dancing nonstep for eight hours. Techno just does that for me. There¡¯s no breaks, only kicks and bass.


    MDMA.


    Ecstasy.


    LSD.


    A never ending dream of love.


    I haven¡¯t told Yuna I swallowed a half tab of acid. She¡¯d freak out and be constantly worried for me. It¡¯ll just ruin her night even if she knows it¡¯s nothing I can¡¯t handle. I¡¯ve done it plenty of times before. Acid and MDMA is a combination that¡¯s infallible and I¡¯m just there for the ride.


    It starts to come up while Yuna and I dance in front of each other, never breaking away eye contact. At least I don¡¯t. I can¡¯t tell through the sunglasses she¡¯s wearing. The repetitive rhythm of the beat puts us in sync, like we¡¯re one body. I move, and she moves exactly the same.


    Isn¡¯t this all what it''s about?


    I can breathe.


    I like LSD because it gives me funny little thoughts. It¡¯s incredibly popular with the hippies and I can see why. Life is beautiful, and great, and everyone is connected and we should all love each other. This isn¡¯t an epiphany by any means. These thoughts aren¡¯t unique, they¡¯re not special.


    It¡¯s all love, peace and unity.


    That connection never lasts, but it¡¯s a pleasant one to be in.


    Until it¡¯s not.


    Yuna goes to the bathroom. The rave organizers were thoughtful enough not to supply the crowd with porta potties and rented a bathroom trailer to use. Tripping inside a confined and closed space like a porta potty is nerve wracking. I¡¯ll just hold it if I had to.


    Wait, where¡¯s Yuna?


    A minute can feel like an hour and I don¡¯t remember at what time Yuna left. She¡¯s been gone for what feels like eternity. She isn¡¯t in the bathroom when I go try and find her. She¡¯s not anywhere inside the crowd. She disappeared.


    I text her, but I can¡¯t see straight. It¡¯s blurry and everything is moving. No. I haven¡¯t texted her. I¡¯ve been staring at my phone¡¯s background and app icons. How long was I staring?


    You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.


    I need to pee.


    I go back to the bathroom. I can¡¯t pee. Then I do. The pressure of my bladder doesn¡¯t ease and it goes on and on and on. I¡¯m pissing all the water inside my body. It ends and I stare at the stall door. Patterns of rivers are swirling around.


    I wash my hands.


    I look at my reflection.


    The girl next to me compliments me on my makeup. I compliment her on her outfit. She leaves. I look back at my reflection. I¡¯m not 18. I¡¯m not 14. Wait, I¡¯m not 14. I¡¯m not sure how old I am. Is that even Grace?


    Please come back.


    Who said that?


    I¡¯m sorry.


    That was a different voice.


    I step back into the dancefloor and everyone is a black silhouette. They¡¯re shapeless, all melting into each other. They aren¡¯t real. They aren¡¯t people, just blobs of darkness.


    Where¡¯s Yuna?


    I can¡¯t find her.


    I go back to where we were, but she¡¯s not there.


    She left me. She was never real.


    I¡¯m alone.


    I have always been alone.


    I¡¯ll always be alone.


    I don¡¯t have a future. I was born unloveable, a monster. I¡¯m not important. I¡¯m not worth it. That¡¯s how it¡¯s always going to be. That will never change. That¡¯s why I¡¯m angry. I don¡¯t want to let go of that hate. I shouldn¡¯t be the only one to suffer. I can¡¯t breathe. I¡¯m hyperventilating. I¡¯m¨C


    Yuna turns me around, ¡°I¡¯ve been looking for you. Where did you disappear too?¡±


    I hug her, squeezing her as hard as I can. ¡°You¡¯re here!¡±


    ¡°Well I wasn¡¯t going to leave you.¡±


    Yuna is here. Everything is alright again. I can breathe. That was just the LSD talking. I almost fell into a bad trip, that would have been bad. I¡¯ve never gone through one before. That was scary. But Yuna doesn¡¯t make me scared. Yuna is home. Yuna can take care of me.


    But I can¡¯t give her that burden.


    It¡¯s not hers to hold.


    We dance together again like the past few minutes never happened. I fall back into my trance of ecstasy and euphoria. Yuna laughs, closing my jaw while I stare at the tunnel¡¯s ceiling. I have to keep it slightly open or else my teeth will grind themselves off.


    Elizabeth¡¯s pull tugs on me again. I can see the string. It wants me to follow it. I¡¯ve yet to come close to knowing what it means. There¡¯s no one at the other end. Yet it becomes stronger with every odd thing that¡¯s been happening to me. Maybe I only noticed the weird stuff because it¡¯s more in my face. Weird things have always been happening around me.


    Chris was weird. He said weird things like Adanismee and her brother. He had a fascination with weird. He said Elizabeth was never supposed to die. He said she defied the threads of fate. Weird is what made him lose his mind and end up catatonic. Weird is why he worked together with Andrew to bring down Lyle.


    I¡¯m weird.


    Yuna leaves, this time to get us water. She doesn¡¯t come back again. My thoughts aren¡¯t real. It¡¯s the trip that¡¯s talking. I don¡¯t have to believe them. I don¡¯t have to let them make me panic.


    I receive a text and instantly open it up because I believe it¡¯s from Yuna. It isn¡¯t. It¡¯s from Cody. Again, I stare at my phone screen for what seems hours. I don¡¯t bother to read the message. I keep rereading the first three words of the sentence and I¡¯m unable to go past it.


    What were you thinking¡­


    What were you thinking¡­


    What were you thinking¡­


    I shake my head away and break away from the loop. I have to find Yuna again.


    It doesn¡¯t take me as long as she¡¯s right outside the entrance of the tunnel. She¡¯s arguing with two girls. There¡¯s a third one but she doesn¡¯t get involved.


    ¡°Why the fuck do you care that I am here? I didn¡¯t come just for you to start shit,¡± Yuna has her arms crossed.


    ¡°That¡¯s not my fucking problem. I was having a good time until bumping into you, bitch.¡±


    The girls are much shorter than Yuna, but their looks are much more nasty. The other one laughs, ¡°I can¡¯t believe you¡¯re dressing like you¡¯re any hot or anything.¡±


    ¡°Look in a mirror, bitch.¡±


    ¡°Yuna,¡± I interrupt.


    Her sour face instantly becomes relieved now that I¡¯m here.


    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡±


    Yuna smirks at the two girls bothering her, ¡°Call me a fucking liar again.¡±


    The girls look me up and down then roll their eyes. ¡°Need your little girlfriend to fight for you?¡±


    Yuna nearly jumps at them. I stop her. ¡°I¡¯ll fucking fight you here you scared little bitch.¡±


    At this point, the attention of everyone surrounds us. There¡¯s still a few hours left in the night. I¡¯d rather not get kicked out. I take Yuna further outside to cool her off. Once we get far away enough, she sits on a  boulder.


    Yuna kicks the dirt as she does, ¡°Fuck!¡±


    ¡°What was that about?¡±


    ¡°They go to my school. They¡¯re always giving me shit,¡± Yuna sighs.


    I¡¯m staring at the dirt and grass. They¡¯re flowing with the breeze. The ground hasn¡¯t completely dried and there¡¯s moisture in the air. It¡¯s going to rain again.


    ¡°Grace.¡±


    ¡°Uh? What?¡± I shake my head and pull myself together.


    ¡°Are you alright?¡± she laughs. ¡°You¡¯ve been strange all night.¡±


    ¡°No, I¡¯m fine. Are you fine? Why were they trying to start a fight?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s fine. They¡¯re always picking on me.¡±


    ¡°Why do you let it bother you?¡±


    ¡°Because they keep making fun of how I look and because I¡¯m so tall. At school, they joke that I make a better boy than girl.¡±


    ¡°Oh.¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    Yuna smacks her lips together then stretches. She unbuckles her shoulder bag and pulls out a folded dollar bill. I open the water bottles she bought as she does. She takes a dip then offers me some which I don¡¯t refuse.


    ¡°I don¡¯t think more Molly will make me feel any better.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯ll be fine. Let''s just stay here until you cool off.¡±


    Yuna takes a drink of water after me. ¡°Y¡¯know, I always wondered why a girl like you plays League. You¡¯re the complete opposite of who would. It all makes sense after you told me about the Grace lore. I wish I was a bit more like you.¡±


    ¡°Well we met at a weird time in life. I¡¯m not really the same Grace as I was back then. That¡¯s why I haven¡¯t been playing a lot.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, and you stopped reading One Piece too. I don¡¯t have anyone to talk to about the latest chapter anymore.¡±


    ¡°It just isn¡¯t me anymore.¡±


    ¡°Pshh, that¡¯s a lie,¡± Yuna giggles and leans herself back on the boulder. ¡°You¡¯re still that same dork to me.¡±


    ¡°Why would you want to be more like me?¡±


    ¡°Your confidence. Well, as I am now. It took a lot of guts to come out dressed like this,¡± Yuna nervously laughs. ¡°It meant alot to me when you opened up last week.¡±


    ¡°I want to be there for you too, Yuna. Let me know if you need anything from me, okay?¡±


    My friend giggles, ¡°Got anything to stop me from feeling like shit in this stupid body of mine?¡±


    ¡°Want some cocaine?¡±


    ¡°You do coke?¡±


    I nod, ¡°Yeah.¡±

 XXVII: spiritless

    Friday night


    I¡¯m not sure why I accepted Emily¡¯s invitation to go to her cousin¡¯s wedding. Part of it¡¯s because I have never been to one. The other is to see what¡¯ll happen.


    Jerrica doesn¡¯t stop gushing over how pretty I am in my dress. I don''t think I can compare her and Emily¡¯s bridesmaid dresses. The theme is green and their dresses are beautifully accented with gold. Both Andrew and Soran match their suits perfectly with their partners.


    It¡¯s also nice seeing Andrew acting like his usual since I last saw him. It¡¯s been hard to be kept in the loop but everything seems fine. It¡¯s like nothing ever happened. It makes me wonder how. Andrew doesn¡¯t deserve Jerrica.


    Everything should be back to normal, but it isn¡¯t. Emily isn¡¯t. She¡¯s been keeping to herself all throughout the wedding and into the ceremony. She doesn¡¯t want to be talked to or bothered. She stares off in space frequently. She¡¯s the one who invited me and hasn¡¯t looked at me once.


    Nobody brings it up because it wouldn¡¯t be appropriate due to the wedding going on.


    But I could be cut open with how sharp the air Emily is.


    The cake is cut then the dance begins. Andrew gets up from his seat and extends his hand over to Jerrica, ¡°May I have you? Just for this dance?¡±


    Jerrica looks up to him warmly, softly and lovingly. She giggles, taking his hand, ¡°You may.¡±


    Soran asks Emily to dance right after. Emily shakes her head and says, ¡°I¡¯m going to get some fresh air.¡±


    Emily leaves and I ask, ¡°What¡¯s up with her?¡±


    Soran is gritting his teeth. He gets up and follows Emily.


    I turn my attention towards the dance. The bride and groom obviously have the spotlight, but it¡¯s Jerrica and Andrew who steal the show for me. Andrew holds her tenderly. Jerrica rests her head on him with her eyes closed. They move slowly together, more in love than anyone else here.


    I¡¯m jealous.


    I could never have that.


    I never will.


    I don¡¯t even know what it would feel like. Love is a tricky emotion. There¡¯s many different kinds. I gave it out just to receive it, but it was never right. It never felt the way love should. I¡¯ve gotten every kind except the one I always wanted. Unconditional.


    If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    Andrew said there shouldn¡¯t be a condition. So why is it that I¡¯m unable to have it? Why does he get it? I deserve it just as much as everyone else does.


    It¡¯s not fair.


    ¡°Do you think we should rent out a place this big for our wedding?¡± Jerrica asks when we¡¯re all together again. ¡°I kind of want it to be outdoors too.¡±


    ¡°Getting wedding fever?¡± Andrew laughs.


    ¡°That reminds me. When are you going to get me an engagement ring?¡±


    I look over to Emily. She¡¯s not here. She¡¯s drinking the champagne away. Soran is bored out of his mind. Andrew is in the middle of folding a napkin when I look back. He folds it into a ring then puts it on Jerrica¡¯s finger. ¡°Is it everything you dreamt of?¡±


    Jerrica examines the napkin ring with a grin. ¡°It¡¯s everything more,¡± she kisses Andrew.


    I should never have come.


    The endurance test is over and it¡¯s time to leave. I have no choice but to go with Andrew and Jerrica as they¡¯re the ones who brought me. ¡°Emily, we¡¯re going to the diner. Want to come with?¡± Jerrica asks.


    Emily smiles softly and shakes her head. ¡°I think I just want to go home. I¡¯ll see you guys tomorrow. Soran, lead the way.¡±


    We part ways and I follow Jerrica and Andrew back to their rental car. It¡¯s starting to rain again and we hurry so we don¡¯t get that wet. ¡°What¡¯s been up her ass all day?¡± Andrew asks but is ignored.


    At the entrance of Darkwood, just right off the highway is a diner that¡¯s open 24/7. It¡¯s the best place to go with a hangover. It¡¯s also where Jerrica and Andrew met. Andrew doesn¡¯t shut up about it.


    ¡°Grace, Virginia has been sharing a lot of beautiful ideas for our wedding. She¡¯s already done so much and still wants to give more. I wish I could be more grateful to you than I already am.¡±


    ¡°Might as well suck her dick while you¡¯re at it.¡±


    ¡°I won¡¯t suck yours if you don¡¯t behave yourself, Andy.¡±


    ¡°Why are you thanking me?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s you who deserves it.¡±


    ¡°Fuck, I gotta piss,¡± Andrew gets up and leaves.


    ¡°I¡¯m the one who made Andrew think he doesn¡¯t deserve you,¡± I say. ¡°I almost broke you two up.¡±


    Jerrica tilts her head, ¡°I know. He told me what you said to him. And why would you try to do that? Or are you framing it so I think it wasn¡¯t an accident.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t like the way you look at me.¡±


    Jerrica smiles, leaning in and resting her chin on her palm. ¡°There¡¯s anger in your eyes. You¡¯re good at hiding it, Grace. Andrew was the same way when I first met him. The thing is, you can¡¯t hide it from me like you do with everyone else.¡±


    ¡°How can you be so sure?¡±


    ¡°Your mom is the same way. So are you. You can read people like they¡¯re bleeding their emotions away. You find them as easy to read as it is easy to talk. No one seems to notice because, well, they¡¯re too busy talking. But what I don¡¯t understand is why the hell you¡¯re causing trouble.¡±


    ¡°Andrew surely told you what we talked about when I went along with him to see his dad.¡±


    ¡°That he did,¡± Jerrica bites one of her fingers. ¡°We can talk about it one day. Just you and me. You don¡¯t have to suffer alone, Grace.¡±


    Jerrica leans back up, shutting up the moment Andrew sits back down. ¡°What I miss?¡±

 XXVIII: Childish

    Saturday morning


    Sara shakes me awake. ¡°Grace, Emily¡¯s missing.¡±


    Groggily, I get up and rub my eyes open. ¡°What are you talking about? I was with her last night.¡±


    ¡°Soran broke up with her. No one can find her. Her phone¡¯s off. Andrew and Jerrica have been looking everywhere.¡±


    ¡°Wait, what happened?¡± I groan and mix in a yawn. I struggle to find my glasses.


    ¡°We don¡¯t know. Soran took the first flight back to New York this morning. He isn¡¯t answering his phone.¡±


    But Jerrica knows. Why hasn¡¯t she told anybody?


    ¡°Okay, okay. I¡¯ll get it. Do you think she¡¯s fine?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± her voice trembles.


    There¡¯s only one place Emily would have gone to. It¡¯s obvious but nobody knows that place moved. I keep calling Cody as I walk through the forest. I go to voicemail each time. I didn¡¯t think all of this would happen this quick, if at all.


    Now that¡¯s power.


    Power that came out of me. Power like this thunderous rain. The ground is being flooded. Everything is being drowned. The mud is difficult to walk in. It gets inside my socks and up my leg.


    Emily is sitting down, soaked, outside against the treehouse cabin. The door is locked. She has no way in. She¡¯s playing with a flower that was plucked out of the muddy ground. My presence is known but ignored until I get close.


    ¡°Everyone¡¯s looking for you, y¡¯know?¡±


    ¡°Let them,¡± Emily plucks away a petal.


    ¡°Emily, what happened?¡±


    Her eyes move away from the blue flower and up to mine. ¡°Did you know Soran was going to propose to me?¡± Emily looks back down at her flower, plucking another petal away. ¡°I found the engagement ring by accident a few days ago.¡±


    ¡°Then why¡­¡±


    Emily shakes her head. ¡°I cheated on Soran. With Cody.¡±


    That¡¯s what I thought.


    ¡°Honestly? I deserve it. I came back to this town. I thought it would be fine. I thought I had escaped how it takes everything away from you. Turns out I¡¯ll never learn my lesson.¡±


    I try to sit down in front of her, but Emily yells at me to stop.


    ¡°This fucking town is evil. It corrodes any good thing that it gets its hands on. You¡¯re punished from attempting to ever leave. It rots you down until you¡¯re as filthy as everything in it. This town needs to burn to the ground.¡±


    ¡°You can¡¯t blame an idea for your actions.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re right, I can¡¯t. But I can blame you.¡± Emily gets up. She slaps me. ¡°What were you hoping to accomplish? You got what you wanted, so what happens now? Are you happy?¡±


    I take a step back. ¡°What are you talking about? Why did you slap me?¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t play dumb, Grace. You knew exactly what you were doing! Cody and I were both doing just fine until you came along with your little scheme.¡±


    ¡°Fuck off, I didn¡¯t force you to fuck him.¡±


    Emily laughs. ¡°I can¡¯t believe you became such a little rat. For all you¡¯d changed, you truly did become just like Elizabeth and in all the worse ways.


    My palm stings before I figure out I slapped her too.


    ¡°Yeah? Well maybe you deserve this. You fucked me up just as much when you did it to her. This is your fault.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re a fucking bitch!¡±


    You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.


    ¡°Fucking cry about it.¡±


    ¡°Both of you, stop it,¡± Cody says from behind. He gets in between Emily and me. ¡°We both fucked up, Emily. Don¡¯t blame Grace.¡±


    ¡°Of course you¡¯re defending her, you little weasel. That¡¯s all you''ve ever been. I can¡¯t believe I let her get in my head.¡±


    ¡°Grace, you should go,¡± Cody says. He¡¯s fiercely calm.


    ¡°But I¡­¡±


    ¡°This is between me and Emily. Go, Grace!¡±


    Now he¡¯s not.


    I don¡¯t dare to look back when I leave the area as fast as I can. I don¡¯t dare let my grin from fading.


    Word quickly gets out about what happened. At first, that¡¯s all it was, words. Then Emily began to disclose how it happened and how I was involved. Sara doesn¡¯t ease from trying to call me. Jerrica sent me a message with the desire to get me to talk to her as quickly as she can. Cody left a voicemail.


    ¡°This isn¡¯t like you Grace. You would never do this,¡± he sighed. ¡°I¡¯m not mad. Just call me when you can, okay?¡±


    I made a mess of things.


    Not just with Cody and Emily. Everyone.


    It doesn¡¯t take long for everyone to talk to each other about how I¡¯ve been acting. It can¡¯t be avoided any more. Everything else failed but those failures can¡¯t be ignored now. I can¡¯t be ignored.


    Yuele is asking me to sell him coke.


    And my mom is asking me to come home so we can talk.


    I don¡¯t have to think about any of that. I get to ignore all of that because I still have to babysit Helen today. I can escape.


    But there¡¯s a knock on the door. It¡¯s Freyja. Helen stands besides me as I answer.


    ¡°What are you doing here?¡±


    ¡°Sara asked me to come. She¡¯s busy with Emily right now.¡±


    ¡°Not here to tell me that¡¯s my fault, are you?¡±


    Freyja shakes her head. ¡°I¡¯m stopping by to make sure you¡¯re okay. You haven¡¯t been yourself lately. We¡¯re all worried.¡±


    Helen is tugging down on my shirt. She can see what I¡¯m able to see too. Freyja is heartbroken.


    ¡°I¡¯m not sorry if that¡¯s what you¡¯re here for. I¡¯m tired of walking on eggshells and being a pushover.¡±


    ¡°Grace¡­¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t do this. Don¡¯t you see what you¡¯ve been becoming?¡±


    ¡°Yeah. Elizabeth. But wouldn¡¯t you want that because you were in love with her? So much so that you let her treat you like she did.¡±


    ¡°I know you don¡¯t mean that.¡±


    ¡°Fuck off, Fey. I¡¯m so fucking tired of wanting everyone¡¯s approval.¡±


    I shut the door, almost slamming it.


    ¡°Why did she look at you like that?¡± Helen asks.


    ¡°Like what?¡±


    ¡°You hurt her.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it, go play on your Ipad or something.¡±


    Helen agrees and runs up to her room while I stay downstairs. I turn off my phone to stop all the notifications from bothering me. I don¡¯t even want to look at them. It¡¯s much easier to do bumps of cocaine and get lost watching TV.


    Helen runs back downstairs and starts jolting my arm after a few hours.


    ¡°C¡¯mon! I want to do something else.¡±


    ¡°Leave me alone, Helen. I¡¯m not in the mood.¡±


    Helen tries to pull the TV remote off my hand. ¡°This is boring. I want you to teach me more stuff. Micheal is finally starting to notice me.¡±


    ¡°Oh, how so?¡±


    ¡°Well he¡¯s texting me. He doesn¡¯t text anybody. At least teach me how to put on make-up.¡±


    ¡°This again? Why are you so eager?¡±


    ¡°So I can be pretty like you. Being a kid sucks. I can¡¯t wait to grow up and be just like you and then everyone will be my friend!¡±


    I smack Helen¡¯s hand away. ¡°I said no!¡±


    The little girl winces away, grabbing her hands together. Her sad and pouty little face doesn¡¯t work on me. ¡°Why did you yell at me?¡± She whimpers.


    Weird is happening again.


    It¡¯s coming from nothing.


    It¡¯s telling me:


    No, not her.


    My eyes widen. Something inside me snaps. It cracks. It should hurt, but it doesn¡¯t. It just takes my breath away.


    Helen is whimpering, preventing herself from crying. It¡¯s breaking me. Helen hasn¡¯t done anything to deserve me snapping at her. She¡¯s just a child. She¡¯s innocent. I¡¯m supposed to be someone she can look up to. I¡¯m supposed to be a good role model. My cruelty is not hers to witness. My eyes haven¡¯t moved. They haven¡¯t blinked. They become dry. I¡¯m afraid of what I''ll see if I look away. I¡¯m afraid that''ll change from Helen. I¡¯m afraid I¡¯ll see my reflection.


    Oh God.


    What have I done?


    I forgot. How could I ever forget? How could I ever be jealous?  How could I resent her? Helen has done nothing wrong. How could I ever be angry at her? Emily is right. No one can ever escape this town. I couldn¡¯t, just like Elizabeth couldn¡¯t. The only way out is to be saved before it becomes too late. Helen is still a child. She can still be saved. I was supposed to help her and not bring her down to the rest of us. It¡¯s always been a cycle of grief and anger.


    I, too, am part of that vicious cycle. I¡¯m a slave to it. I was not given a choice in being a part of this insufferable cycle. Life is ultimately meaningless if all I¡¯m doing is dragging others into the pit of misery. It was an illusion thinking I wasn¡¯t.


    This. Was. Never. Me.


    I want freedom from all of this. I want to be myself again. Please, just let me go home. I don¡¯t want to be like this. I lost everything that was real about me. I made myself believe that whatever was left was fake pretending it was not. I¡¯m not supposed to hurt others. I want to make others happy, not suffer. I don¡¯t want to be angry anymore. I don¡¯t want to hate myself anymore.


    Just what have I done in my anger? Sara and Freyja haven¡¯t done anything to me. Andrew and Jerrica haven¡¯t done anything to me. Emily and Cody haven¡¯t done anything to me. My friends haven¡¯t done anything to me. Yuele hasn¡¯t done anything. It¡¯s just been me. It¡¯s always been me and my pathetic insecurity.

 XXIX: Rain inside

    Saturday Evening


    Mom is sitting on my bed. On the ground in front of her is my opened backpack. One hand is holding onto part of the bands of bills that were inside. On the other, are the drugs I never bothered to hide. My legs melt and fuse onto the ground.


    ¡°What is this?¡± She asks, standing up. ¡°Where did you get all this?¡±


    I remember everything now.


    ¡°Why did you look through my stuff?¡± I blurt out, almost yelling.


    ¡°Jesus, Gracie! You left me no choice with how wild you¡¯ve been acting,¡± my mom tosses the money and drugs back into the backpack. ¡°For how long have you been keeping this a secret?¡±


    ¡°You looked through my stuff!¡±


    ¡°Grace, you¡¯re a drug dealer!¡±


    ¡°What?! No!¡±


    ¡°Then explain all this money! All of these drugs? Is this what you do when you go out every night?!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not a fucking drug dealer! You would know that if you fucking paid even a little bit of attention!¡±


    I rush over to my backpack and sling it over my shoulder. I try to turn around to leave but my mom grabs onto my wrist and pulls me back to her.


    ¡°You don¡¯t talk to me! You don¡¯t let me in. How is that my fault?!¡±


    I jerk my wrist free but my mom grabs onto the other one. Push her down to break free. Mom doesn¡¯t land on the bed, she hits the floor. Her mouth is quivering. My nails are digging into my palms, cutting them. She¡¯s looking up at me. She doesn¡¯t recognize me. I see my reflection in her eyes. I don¡¯t recognize me.


    I¡¯m her failure.


    I know it¡¯s my mother¡¯s first time on earth. I understand that she tried her best. And I know how hard it is. She was just a kid when she had me. My mom also didn¡¯t have a good childhood when she was little.


    And I hate her so fucking much.


    I was little too.


    ¡°And where were you when I was kid?¡±


    ¡°Grace, I tried the best I could.¡±


    She didn¡¯t try hard enough.


    I wasn¡¯t worth the effort.


    I try to leave the house as fast as I can. My mom nearly knocks me off the stairs in her frantic panic to get ahead of me. She slams her body against the front door so I don¡¯t leave.


    ¡°Grace, what¡¯s going on? Please, just talk to me.¡±


    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    ¡°Get out of the way.¡±


    ¡°Gracie¡­please. You¡¯re everything to me.¡±


    ¡°No I¡¯m fucking not!¡± I finally scream. ¡°Sara¡¯s more important for you. Andrew¡¯s more important for you. Your job is more important! What do I have to do just for you to fucking look at me!?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re all I worry about, Gracie!¡±


    Lies.


    It¡¯s always been a lie.


    I was 8 when I thought I would be beautiful by the time I was 18. That I would have someone to love me despite all my flaws. I¡¯m 18 now. I ran around giving as much love in hopes of getting it back, but it wasn¡¯t quite the same was it?  I had to move mountains just to be liked. I was never beautiful, only pretending I wasn¡¯t hideous. I avoid mirrors now. There was nothing pleasant to see there. There was never someone there. I am nothing to myself. I am the incarnation of misery. I no longer have an emptiness inside me for it is filled with hatred.


    A hatred that¡¯s been inside me, created from my mother¡¯s neglect.


    I was just a child when I would ask other kids to play. I got doors slammed in my face. I was teased on my crooked teeth. I was made fun of because of how big my glasses made my eyes more than they already were. They would say I would smell and that I was dirty. They knew I liked weird things and everyone stayed away from me. All I needed was a friend to hug me when I was left out. Or a hand to hold while watching fireflies at night and pretending they were stars. I just wanted to not feel a knot on my chest.


    All I needed was my mom to be around enough to teach me how to make friends. I just wanted her to teach me how to be a fucking normal kid.


    I never had a fucking mom.


    ¡°Get out of my fucking way!¡± I try to pull her off the door.


    Virginia doesn¡¯t budge. ¡°No, I won¡¯t let you! Grace, please!¡±


    I continue to struggle but to no avail. ¡°I fucking hate you!¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°I fucking hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!¡± I slam my fist against the wall until it hurts, then until I can¡¯t bear the pain, then until it becomes numb. ¡°I hate you! I fucking hate you!¡±


    ¡°Grace¡­ please¡­I¡¯m just trying to¡­¡±


    ¡°Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shut the fuck up!¡±


    Funny, my voice harmonizes with the thunder outside.


    ¡°Why couldn¡¯t you just acknowledge how I was suffering when I was just a kid? Why did you believe me when I said I was fine?¡±


    I was relentlessly bullied. My entire life. I never had a friend. Middle school was the worst three years of my life. No one is more cruel than kids at that age. The humiliation. The worthlessness. The pain.


    Oh, the memories.


    They were always there. I just didn¡¯t want to remember.


    And I hid behind, I¡¯m fine. Nothing¡¯s wrong.


    Why couldn¡¯t my mom see I was always lying to her?


    Virginia¡¯s body goes limp, like she¡¯s given up. ¡°Do you want me to give you a real reason to hate me?¡±


    I already do.


    Virginia moves out of the way. ¡°Your father died because I forced him to drive you to the hospital. You were sick and wouldn¡¯t stop crying for the entire night. You didn¡¯t let me sleep. I waited for your father to come home and to take you, just so I can fucking go to sleep. But your dad was more sleep deprived than I was, and I knew that, and I didn¡¯t care. It should have been me.¡±


    ¡°...Why did you never tell me?¡±


    ¡°That guilt is not yours to have.¡±


    ¡°You hated me.¡±


    ¡°I hated that I wanted to,¡± Virginia whispers. ¡°Do you think I never hated myself for everything I couldn¡¯t give you? Do you think it didn¡¯t kill me for every birthday that I missed, for every Christmas or any other special day? Do you think I didn¡¯t hate myself because I couldn¡¯t be there for my baby girl?¡±


    Virginia is crying and it¡¯s making me cry.


    ¡°You¡¯re the love of my life, sweetie.¡±


    She says and it breaks me further.


    ¡°Please just talk to me. What is going on with you?! Tell me! Tell me how to fix this! Let me help you!¡±


    I can¡¯t fucking take it.


    I need to leave.


    ¡°It¡¯s too late¡­¡±


    ¡°Grace! Please! Don¡¯t go!¡±


    But I don¡¯t look behind me.

 XXX: The greatest

    I was the child she didn¡¯t have to worry about, which meant I was the child she didn¡¯t worry about.


    Anger¡¯s real name is Grief.


    I¡¯m not a whole person. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever be. The parts that are missing died in the house I grew up in. They died when the straggling pieces were holding me back and I had to rip them off. They only exist in dreams now. It¡¯s Grief for the child I could have been, not the child I grew to be; the child who learned how to desperately lick any moisture just to quench her thirst. It became another form of hating myself. It¡¯s my grief that I couldn¡¯t understand myself. There was no point in telling anyone what was happening inside me.


    I don¡¯t know where to go or who to go to.


    I just run, and keep running, and running, and running, and running. There¡¯s no destination. And I run. Until I can¡¯t breathe anymore.


    I was bullied before Elizabeth¡¯s suicide, and I was bullied after. It was always about the same thing, that there was something wrong about me. That I¡¯m cursed and bring bad luck. That I was better off never being born. That I was too ugly to ever be loved. I just wanted proof that I could.


    I¡¯ve been aware of the root issue, I just have been hiding from what caused it. It¡¯s not some big epiphany. It¡¯s not some big secret. It¡¯s made me empty my entire life. I waited and waited but that torture would never end. I thought I would be saved when we moved to Darkwood. It was a new start. But when Elizabeth killed herself in front of me, how could I not believe it was my fault? I¡¯m a disease. I infect. Even now, what I¡¯ve done is proof of that. My existence hurts people.


    The rain and thunder muffles out my screaming.


    I can¡¯t even stand right now and only hope my heart doesn¡¯t explode while I¡¯m holding it.


    I don¡¯t want to be alive anymore.


    And my eyes open.


    There¡¯s no other sound except for the rain. Everything else is muted. The world is silent. It¡¯s still. It has stopped. And I understand where I need to go and where it takes me, so I follow it.


    ¡°I¡¯m here, Elizabeth.¡±


    Since I can remember, my presence has been called. It¡¯s always been unrecognizable, just another thing to add on the list of my deformities. I didn¡¯t understand what it was until I got close to where it wanted me. As if it was fate, it brought me to this town. It was ripped away before I could understand why. The invisible thread towards Elizabeth has never been more violent.


    I stand up and the world has gone completely silent. Not even the rain makes a sound anymore.


    Elizabeth was an idea. Everything I learned from her was secondhand. Each person had their own unique story and their own opinion of her. She was a sweet girl who made everyone feel included. She was a stuck up bitch who thought was better than everyone else. She liked to eat at Darkwood¡¯s Diner every Saturday morning. She didn¡¯t have any hobbies but always enjoyed trying new things. The reason why she never did drugs before was because her brother became a homeless drug addict. She disliked certain people if it meant getting the approval of who she wanted. She volunteered at the community center. She once spent an entire day looking for her neighbor¡¯s lost dog. She once organized a charity to help one of her classmate¡¯s family medical bills. She once bullied a girl so much that she was forced to move away. She once stole money from her mother, enough to go to a ski resort for the weekend with her friends.


    Elizabeth was selfish. She was selfless. She was a person. She was human. I don¡¯t know a thing about her. I never did. I never got to know her. All I had was an immortalized idea. How could I ever possibly know what was true and what wasn¡¯t?


    Was she as selfish as it turned a blind eye? Or was she as sweet as she¡¯s remembered?


    This is what it¡¯s all been leading to. I¡¯m destined to be her. I always was. I can¡¯t escape it. This is where she wanted me to be. It¡¯s why I could never escape her.


    Her front door is unlocked.


    The house has changed. It¡¯s trashed and graffiti is splattered on the walls. It was barren like it was ready to be moved into at any moment before. Now the house is broken into and vandalized. Her room is the exception. It¡¯s clean but it isn¡¯t empty anymore. It¡¯s as if she¡¯s still sleeping here. Her bed is here. It¡¯s made. Her cabinet and drawers are here too, but they¡¯re empty. Her closet remains the same. On the wall, a poster is back on where it left its discoloration. The bed''s decorative pillows and plush dolls are scattered around the room. Elizabeth was also a fan of Emmah. The artist is wearing a beautiful white dress that almost looks like a wedding gown. She¡¯s posed in the middle of performing with her violin.


    There¡¯s a journal on the ground in the middle of the room.


    I set my soaked backpack down and dry myself with an old towel in her bathroom. It¡¯s the only thing there. As I dry myself, take out the drugs my mom tossed back inside. There¡¯s an 8-ball of cocaine, two grams of Molly, a pill of ecstacy, and two xanax bars. I take a dip of Molly with my finger and put everything in my back pocket.


    I pick up the journal. It¡¯s sealed with a band and a lock. The key is in my pocket. I open the journal. Almost every page has writing on it, even if it doesn''t fill it entirely. This is Elizabeth''s handwriting. These are her words. This is what she left behind. A page has been ripped off and it makes me pay attention to the one after it. It sinks my heart. This page shouldn¡¯t exist. It should not be possible.


    The right side of the page is written with her handwriting. What¡¯s written on the left isn¡¯t hers. It¡¯s not as neat or pretty. It¡¯s mine¡­


    The Aphex Twin Flame


    Float away | With an ocean¡¯s breeze


    A lullaby of hymns | A whisper on the beach


    What did the waves say | Some secrets are meant to be shared


    You looked good | With a smile so warm


    Dancing in the wind | A flower will bloom


    Think you can teach me | The love that was chosen


    When you come back to me | You¡¯ll heal my soul


    No matter how long it takes | I¡¯ll heal yours


    I¡¯ll wait for you | Oh my oh my


    My little | Raging blue


    Twin Flame


    Half of it is undoubtedly mine, but I never wrote this. I would remember something like this. How could I? When?


    The key was in my pocket.


    The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    ¡°Is this what you want to show me?¡±


    I don¡¯t get a response. She¡¯s dead. It¡¯s not possible. I¡¯m going crazy, but so was Elizabeth. It¡¯s a poem that can be read in three completely different ways; in it¡¯s entirely, or just with what I or Elizabeth wrote. Either way, it doesn¡¯t make sense. I¡¯m speaking to her, and she¡¯s speaking to me. Together we make it whole.


    Dread washes over me and I turn away from the page. When was this written? What did Elizabeth know?


    I start from the beginning. Most pages are left more empty than filled. Her thoughts are incomplete and unresolved. Some of it is just rambling about nothing. Some pages only have a single sentence. Some have a date while others don¡¯t. But mistakenly, this is her suffering. She¡¯s angry. Elizabeth is so fucking angry.


    Elizabeth¡¯s ex best friend, Megan, slept with her boyfriend. All her other friends knew and nobody told her. They were all secretly laughing behind her back. This is the same Megan who invited me to the party at the night of the suicide. The one who made everyone bully or avoid me because it happened in front of me.


    Elizabeth called her friends snakes in the tall grass.


    She was angry that she didn¡¯t know who her real friends were, if she had any. She started to date Cody and hang out with his group because she thought they were different. They weren¡¯t. She was intoxicated and obsessed with Cody. So much so that she created meaning to his dumb silver tongue and took it more than it was, just a boy trying to impress a girl.


    Then on the Fourth of July, Emily told her the promise she had with Cody. Her jealousy turned into anger, and anger became revenge.


    None of this is new to me. It¡¯s just nice to read her side of what happened.


    It¡¯s true she took revenge on Megan and exposed her inappropriate affair with a teacher in their school. It¡¯s true she got revenge on Amanda by making Amanda¡¯s brother fuck the girl she hated the most, Sara. It¡¯s true that Elizabeth purposely made Emily jealous and twisted Cody¡¯s image to her. It¡¯s true that she cheated on Cody with Andrew just to see what would happen. It¡¯s true that it made her pregnant. It¡¯s true that she did all this and meant it.


    But it¡¯s also true that it killed her inside.


    On the next page, I read:


    I met the girl in the white dress


    My neck nearly tears for how fast I snap my head to the poster. My breathing gets heavier and my heartbeat gets deeper. The fog from outside is seeping through the window and clouds the room. I¡¯m going crazy. My heart is telling me that I¡¯ve been connected and I didn¡¯t want to acknowledge it.


    The poem follows after that single sentence, then on the page after that:


    I found love. I found peace. I found relief. I found out why I¡¯m alive.


    This body of mine weighed nothing.


    I no longer had to struggle.


    There wasn¡¯t anything to run away from


    But I can¡¯t remember now. I can¡¯t remember why I don¡¯t have to suffer anymore. She said something to me. She said that everything could go back to the way it was. She said how. I don¡¯t remember. I can¡¯t remember.


    The next page:


    Fate is a cruel mistress. Is there any point in life if everything is predetermined. Does anything matter if it is? In what world was I destined to be cruel? For what purpose? What if that¡¯s not how I want things to be?


    If I just remember, can I change it?


    Next:


    This tragedy exists because I was full of rage. I was full of rage because I was full of grief. My grief kept telling me the same thing:


    This isn¡¯t how it¡¯s supposed to be.


    I didn¡¯t deserve this. I didn¡¯t want this. And everyone laughed. I was held up by the throat and was told:


    But this is how it is.


    I¡¯m such a waste of a girl, of a person. Rumination. I¡¯m nothing more. We lament the suffering we all go through. We delude ourselves that we¡¯ll come out stronger on the other end. Pain does not make a better person. It doesn¡¯t teach anything. There¡¯s no lesson to learn.


    Next:


    Lyle is thin and pale, like snow. He has silver white hair and the lightest of blue eyes. Lyle has a silver tongue. He promised to give me a vial of Winter if I do some errands for him. I¡¯ll be able to meet the girl in the white dress again.


    It¡¯s easy. I¡¯m just collecting money and he keeps me safe while I do it. We get to talk in between. It¡¯s nice. He¡¯s not as intimidating as I first met him. He listens to me. He cares about me.


    I told him what I wanted the Winter for. He said I didn¡¯t need it to take back control of my life. I have the power to do it already. But I¡¯m unsure. Lyle says he can show me how.


    I trust him.


    Next:


    There will never be another you, another me. I could have done so many different things to prevent me from losing my sanity. Did it seem fair that I didn¡¯t? Was there a better way to let go of my anger? I was always meant to be used.


    I just wanted them to see how much they were hurting me. It¡¯s pathetic and selfish, I know. I just wanted to be understood. Even if it¡¯s pointless, even if I can¡¯t be saved, someone, just please, hold me. Please, I¡¯m so tired.


    Lyle said he¡¯ll give me the Winter after one last day.


    I told him how it¡¯s driving me crazy. The more I see, the less I understand. Bit by bit, it¡¯s becoming harder to resist. I don¡¯t want to be a slave to fate. I refuse to go where it wants to take me. But it¡¯s a losing battle. It has been since I met the girl in the white dress, when I became aware of it. Nothing has been the same since.


    I told Lyle about this but I couldn¡¯t describe it with any more detail than it just being what it is, a pull.


    He said that I shouldn¡¯t listen to it.


    I stop.


    The walls of the room throb as if they were breathing. The fog is taking away all the oxygen and it¡¯s getting harder to breathe. A slow melody being played on a xylophone hums inside my head, like a lullaby. There¡¯s a crack in the window and the wind is blowing on the poster that¡¯s only being held up by two push pins.


    I continue where I left off:


    A motorcycle ran a red light and crashed into another car. His head ended up being run over. Crushed. It was a freak accident.


    Lyle said one more day, then all of this could be over.


    I turn the page:


    The body fell down next to me.


    The body fell down next to me.


    The body fell down next to me.


    I killed someone today.


    He made me do it.


    And Lyle didn¡¯t give me Winter.


    There''s only so much that can happen before someone is pushed over the edge. For Elizabeth, it was this. She was already at her limit. She was so desperate and blind that she couldn¡¯t see that she was at the end of the road. She didn¡¯t die because she was in a drug induced psychosis. She didn¡¯t die for the ultimate revenge. She didn¡¯t die because she wanted to.


    She just wanted to apologize.


    Elizabeth just wanted to be happy again.


    I turn the page:


    Lyle never gave me the Winter he promised, so I sought it out elsewhere. It wasn¡¯t quite the same. I didn¡¯t see the girl in the white dress again. Instead, there was someone else. White hair. White skin. White Eyes.


    Or maybe I was only hallucinating.


    Regardless, my eyes opened too late.


    I turn to the final page:


    Destiny is literal free will. It¡¯s causality. It¡¯s an equal push and pull of a force made from choices. It¡¯s a give and a take. And no one can escape destiny. Bad creates bad. Hurt people, hurt people. Pain begets pain. It¡¯s a spiral of misery. There is no room for kindness as it¡¯ll only get lost in the storm.


    Fate is a pull. That¡¯s all there is. Fate is not cruel. Fate does not take. It doesn¡¯t exist.


    And it exists within me.


    This suffering of mine, this cruelty that I¡¯ve committed, it came from my free will. It wasn¡¯t decided for me. I¡¯m who decided to be part of destiny.


    I remember now. I misheard what she said and meant. There is no fixing what I¡¯ve done. Forgiveness is an unrelenting mountain to climb over. That¡¯s all I can do now. Time. All I have to do is wait so I¡¯m not alone when I climb it.


    Since the beginning of time, we¡¯re always told that in order for someone to love us, we have to learn to love ourselves first. That¡¯s bullshit because what if you find the love within you, in the love of someone else? What if there was someone who saw the ugly, the mess, the imperfections, and pain and loved you regardless? What if they could give, and give, and give, until there''s nothing left? What if their love is there to heal you? Silly me, I was confusing destiny and fate as being the same thing. I should have seen it sooner.


    Sometimes being offered tenderness and kindness is proof that you¡¯re ruined. Sometimes it hurts more than it helps. Sometimes it¡¯s so unfamiliar that you can¡¯t accept it. It isn¡¯t yours.


    Guilt does not purify me. Remorse does not heal, it leaves scars. Scars are proof of the damage that was done. I¡¯m a collection of scars. Some are shallow, others are deep. Some are sensitive while others are indistinguishable from what they replaced. Violence exists in the pursuit of peace


    I can no longer endure violence.


    If anyone could have saved me, it would have been you.


    I don¡¯t deserve it.


    Not anymore. I¡¯m sorry.


    Meeting you isn¡¯t going to change that.


    The walls were never breathing. The fog was never inside. There was no wind. There was no lullaby. It was all in my head.


    At first, I believe Elizabeth was talking about Freyja in the final entry. But deep down, I know, I know it was about me. It¡¯s always been about me. She knew about me. She implies she knew why we¡¯re connected. What else did she know? Just what did she see?


    I understand less the more I reread.


    Then there¡¯s that poem. There¡¯s this house and this room. Nothing was here when I came here before. This stuff shouldn¡¯t be here. Was I hallucinating that it wasn¡¯t, or am I hallucinating it now?


    Weird has been occurring more frequently each day, but this has gone beyond weird.


    This is absurd.


    This is crazy.


    I¡¯m going crazy.


    The sun has set and I ran out of tears to cry. Elizabeth¡¯s bed is warm and soft. Her blankets hug me tightly. I wonder if her mother ever carried her up to this room as a child after she fell asleep on the couch during a family party. Was she tucked in? Was it not the most comforting sleep? Could she hear the laughter in the other rooms?


    Virginia is trying to find me. Sara is trying to find me. Cody is trying to find me.


    I can only rest now.


    I¡¯ll sleep and in the morning, I can never go back. I¡¯ll only continue to bring suffering to them if I stay. If I follow the pull of all these new threads, maybe I¡¯ll understand why I do. Maybe I¡¯ll find out why I was born.

 Elizabeth

    Sunday


    There¡¯s a shift in the world. People go along their day unaware that it has. A father of a family of four sleeps in for the day. A divorcee goes through the drive-thru of her favorite coffee shop. A young boy nervously waits for his crush to text back. A group of friends wake up hungover from the previous night. A couple break up after being together for ten years. Today is just like any other day.


    Only a few have noticed this shift. They¡¯re only aware that it has but don¡¯t know how or why. One such woman recalls that this isn¡¯t the first time it¡¯s happened. She¡¯s still unsure if it was a good or a bad thing. She wonders if she has a role in it this time. But she¡¯s thousands of miles away and can only hope for the best.


    The woman finishes putting on the last bit of mascara so she can begin her day. She stares at herself in the mirror for a moment. Although she¡¯s finally able to live a normal life, she knows she¡¯s still not free. If she was, she wouldn¡¯t have needed to dye her hair or wear colored contacts. Still, this is as close as she¡¯ll ever get. The woman smiles then puts on her favorite green parka. She¡¯s still getting used to the idea of having winters in July.


    But at least she¡¯s happy.


    -


    Adanismee Young runs to her adopted mother, who is tending over her birth mother¡¯s garden. ¡°What do you think happened?¡± She asks.


    Her mother forcefully rips some weeds out. ¡°You don¡¯t have to worry about it right now.¡±


    ¡°We should go to her.¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°Why? She¡¯s ready.¡±


    The mother stands then scratches the top of Adanismee''s head. ¡°Let¡¯s give it a bit more time.¡±


    ¡°How is she doing?¡±


    ¡°She¡¯s asleep right now.¡±


    -


    Virginia goes through photo albums taken over the years. She sobs as she realizes just how few she has of Grace. Virginia has forgotten that everything good in her life eventually gets ripped away, and now Grace has. She feels that she can¡¯t ever escape this torment. She was born cursed.


    She read that a girl¡¯s tragedy is that they become just like their mothers.


    Virginia weeps. She just wants her little girl back.


    Sara Mera is at her mother¡¯s grave. She stopped by during her search for Grace. She feels dumb for not noticing Grace¡¯s obvious cries for help. She has no clue what she could have been going through for her to run away. It was all too sudden. Grace¡¯s problems didn¡¯t appear overnight the more Sara thinks about it. It¡¯s been festering the entire time. Grace has grown so much and Sara wonders whatever happened to the dorky kid she loved.


    Despite not needing too, Emily is out searching for Grace too. The only place she wants to be is locked inside her old room, but this is more important. Emily never thought her life would end up like this when she first approached Grace in the cafeteria of their school. She regrets cutting her out of her life for three years. She never imagined how important Grace was to her. Emily can¡¯t find it to be mad at her anymore.


    Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    Andrew and Cody are exploring the forest together in their search for Grace. The two used to be good friends until they weren¡¯t. Cody never thought he could be peaceful if he was ever alone with Andrew. Andrew thinks how all of their issues with each other don¡¯t matter at this moment. Both of them have the same goal now. Both of them want to keep the light that keeps them afloat from fading.


    And Chris becomes conscious for only a second. The thread of fate in which he saw has nearly arrived. Despite all the forces trying to prevent it, it¡¯s still bound to happen. History is not meant to be repeated. Chris falls asleep again.


    _


    Before you lies an endless stretch of road. The pavement is cracked. It is being scorched by the sun. Or perhaps it is covered in fog and you can¡¯t see where you¡¯re going. It might be covered in snow or flooded by the rains. There might not even be a road. Or it could be so bright, and clear that it becomes blinding.


    But It always feels empty.


    What do you do when you come across an answer when you never had the question?


    Grieving is the retrieval of the soul. It is the dive into the darkness to recover the you that was lost. It is the most painful thing a person can ever do. We don¡¯t like to feel this way so we suppress it. And this pain comes in many different forms. We disassociate and disconnect ourselves with our emotions. We stagnate. It poisons the mind. It poisons the body. It poisons the soul. It becomes frozen in time and nobody notices. And the only way out is to grieve. The only way out is to feel all of it. Otherwise, you cannot let go. The past will continue to be recreated as if it¡¯s present. It will stay with you forever. You will never heal.


    You will imprison yourself.


    To grieve is to mourn. To grieve is to heal. You¡¯ll remember your soul and regain connection to life, your body, your laughter, and your love. You¡¯ll be connected to everything that is. Accept that you will suffer. It is never too late.


    Take as much time as you need.


    -


    -


    Felix gets out of the car first and adjusts his clothes. Omar gets out of the car and looks around their surroundings, making sure no one is near. He follows Felix to the entrance of the warehouse building.


    ¡°I thought you came back to rebuild,¡± He asks.


    Felix unlocks the warehouse and heads inside. ¡°That? Nah, I have greater goals.¡±


    The two men walk through the empty warehouse, towards a tiny office in the far back.


    ¡°D¡¯you give up searching for Marina?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll find her. That day will come.¡±


    ¡°So what are we doing here?¡±


    Felix takes out a special tool when he enters the office. On the wall, there¡¯s a small slit where only this tool can hook into. It allows part of the wall to open and slide out, revealing a sage.


    ¡°Do you believe in destiny, Omar?¡±


    ¡°Not particularly.¡±


    ¡°I do. What life would I live if I don¡¯t pursue said fate? It¡¯s already mine,¡± Felix says then unlocks the safe. ¡°And now it''s ready.¡±


    Omar chuckles, ¡°What are you talking about?¡±


    There¡¯s a single item inside the safe. Felix grabs it and examines it on his palm. The dark blue liquid inside is just as beautiful as he remembered it.


    ¡°I was impatient and reckless. My mistake was thinking I had to chase it when it could just fall on my lap. Why do you think I had you stay in the state?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know now if you¡¯re saying all this shit,¡± Omar shrugs.


    ¡°Who did I ask you to keep an eye on?¡±


    ¡°Grace? What about that little white girl? Ain''t that the last vial? Why give it to her?¡±


    Felix shakes the glass vial and smirks. ¡°Grace is my greatest work. She can lead me to Marina. She will lead me to everyone who¡¯s hiding from me. Grace is my paradise.¡±


    The two men start to leave the building.


    ¡°Yo, I get Grace is cool and all but how do you know she¡¯s like that white hair bitch?¡±


    Omar raises a great question. Felix hasn¡¯t been around Grace long enough to make the connection. He couldn¡¯t make one to begin with and yet he still knows how special Grace is. Felix specifically knows why.


    ¡°Majesty such as hers is not a coincidence.¡±


    Omar laughs, ¡°Whatever you say, man.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ll understand soon enough.¡±

 XXXI: Eclipse

    Monday


    The Fourth of July


    I slept through the entire Sunday. The lack of sleep finally caught up to me. I only realize this when I turn on my phone again.


    I wasn¡¯t hallucinating Elizabeth¡¯s room. Nothing has disappeared. There¡¯s no curtains on her windows. I¡¯m exposed while I look down to the rainy streets. No one will walk by and see me because of the rain. Everyone has been so desperately looking for me. I don¡¯t care. I¡¯m sure they checked all the places I would have gone. Elizabeth¡¯s house hasn¡¯t crossed their minds yet. I¡¯m safe here. No one can find me here. But I¡¯m disappointed no one has even thought yoo.


    . I text Felix, asking if Elizabeth ever talked about fate. I ask him if she ever talked about a girl in a white dress. I let him know where I¡¯m at.


    An hour passes and he doesn¡¯t come. Then another.


    And then he does.


    I run downstairs to greet him on the front steps. He¡¯s smiling as he approaches. He has something in his hand. A piece of paper? No, it¡¯s cloth.


    ¡°You made me wai¡­¡±


    Oh.


    #


    My eyes are burning when I wake back up. My arms are behind my back, wrapped around an old wooden support pillar with my hands tied with a rope.


    It¡¯s still raining outside.


    The windows are breaking down along with everything else in the living room. Dust and dirt is everywhere. The table collapsed in half. A mouse runs by. I haven¡¯t been here in four years.


    This is where the party the night of the suicide house, the old abandoned house in  the far southeastern edge of town. It¡¯s hidden just right inside the woods, and can only be accessed through a dirt road nature is reclaiming. There isn¡¯t any other house nearby.


    Elizabeth died not too far from here.


    I was drugged.


    Felix is on a chair backwards in front of me. His hands are crossed over the backrest. His smile is sick.


    ¡°Do you understand just how special you are, Grace?¡±


    ¡°Felix¡­what are you doing?¡±


    I struggle to move my hands loose but the rope is digging into my wrists. I try to stand, but my feet are tied.


    Felix glacier eyes are shimmering.


    ¡°What a delight it was, how you fell right onto my lap when you did. I¡¯m the only one who has ever appreciated just how special you are.¡±


    ¡°Wha? Why am I here?¡±


    But I know. I see it in his eyes. Fuck. I¡¯ve been so stupid.


    ¡°This place brings bad memories, right? I need you to be here. You¡¯re ready now.¡±


    ¡°Felix¡­please. Not you.¡±


    Just how much have I been lied to?


    ¡°You think you know about hate, but the thing is, it¡¯s a bottomless well. There¡¯s always deeper water to dive. Isn¡¯t it so agonizing that it can always get so, so, so much worse.¡±


    My eyes want to pop out of the sockets.


    ¡°This used to be my house when I was a kid. Aylin and I grew up here. Then our father was murdered, and well, mom always beat me. It serves nothing but bad memories. How fortunate that you share the same thought.¡±


    Everything has been useless after all. Nothing was changed. Nothing can. Fuck. How could I not see this? I know better. Can nothing truly ever escape?


    ¡°You were arrested¡­¡±


    ¡°Finally connected the dots, huh?¡±


    ¡°Lyle¡­¡±


    ¡°A man with my power is above the law. Did your little friends really think that was enough to stop me?¡±


    ¡°And you¡¯re back¡­for revenge.¡±


    ¡°Revenge? That¡¯s beneath me. I don¡¯t live in the past. I¡¯m only here for the now, which is you and all your majesty. I would have given up if I didn¡¯t have you.¡±


    I was being taken advantage of. I was naive. He wants me. My presence has been a poison. My existence is putting everyone in danger again. It always has been.


    The sick rumors about him are true. Lyle finds women and brainwashes them. His identity has been in my face the entire time. Lyle builds girls from their lowest point and into his fiercely loyal servants. It was all over the news when his entire operation fell. 80% of those arrested were girls and none of them ever talked.


    He¡¯s been doing that to me.


    ¡°And you¡¯ll be just as majestic as Marina.¡±


    Marina. That¡¯s the name of the girl who helped Sara escape from Lyle. She¡¯s who helped Andrew and Chris bring Lyle down.  White Hair. White eyes. White Skin. Elizabeth met her too.


    Just how much has everything been connected? What was it all connected to? Why does it feel like it''s been me the entire time? What makes me so special? All of this is happening because of me. Did I ever have a say in anything?


    Lyle pulls something out of his pocket and sets it in front of me. It¡¯s a small vial with blue liquid inside.


    Winter.


    ¡°Has it settled in yet? Do you see how disgusting you¡¯ve been? Have you found a deeper hell of hatred? Isn¡¯t it so hopeless? Powerless?


    ¡°I¡¯m not going to play into your mind games!¡± I shout. I jerk my body forward, trying to lunge but I¡¯m repelled back.


    This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    Lyle is now squatting with his heels firmly on the ground. ¡°You want to fill your emptiness, Grace. You¡¯ll get what you wish for if you drink this. You shall see the world how I see it. It will set you free. You¡¯ll be happy again.¡±


    ¡°This isn¡¯t going to work on me.¡±


    ¡°Aren¡¯t you exhausted?¡±


    ¡°I won¡¯t ever be that stupid.¡±


    Lyle sighs, ¡°I¡¯ve met the woman in white dress. Do you know what she showed me? I saw what no one shouldn¡¯t. I¡¯ve met her multiple times just to force myself to remember what. I¡¯ve never been so peaceful now that I¡¯m connected.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re crazy.¡±


    ¡°That''s why I can understand you. I¡¯m aware of the threads that you¡¯re connected with. I need your help, Grace. You can help me bring all of them together. Together, we can transcend humanity.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re actually crazy,¡± I laugh. ¡°Do you hear yourself?¡±


    ¡°I understand your pain better than anyone. I know how it feels to be born unwanted. I know how alone you feel, how cursed. It took me a long time to realize that this curse was a gift.¡±


    The thunder cracks the sky open.


    Felix leans off the chair. ¡°You have a gift too. Nobody can see it but me. Not your mother, your friends, Aylin, Omar and anybody else.¡±


    Omar?


    Fuck.


    It really is true.


    Just how much have I been manipulated without me knowing? It wasn¡¯t an accident when I met Omar after all. It was planned. Did Aylin know too? Is that the only reason she kept me around? Who else was acting as his puppet? Tina, Liz? Maddie? Fuck. Yuele? I thought I could see intentions. Was I ever able to?


    I can¡¯t trust anyone.


    This. All of this. Everything since I met him. No, even before. It¡¯s all been him. I try to break free again. My throat trembles. My tears are ailing my dry eyes. Lyle grins.


    ¡°You¡­¡± my words shake. ¡°You did this to me. You¡¯re the one who¡¯s made me miserable.¡±


    ¡°I did it for you.¡±


    ¡°Stop lying to me!¡±


    The rope jerks me back against the wooden pillar.


    ¡°I did this because I could see the wound in your heart since the day I met you. I saw beauty in you. But your heart wasn¡¯t ready. It needed to face the truth but it was too weak.¡±


    ¡°This is bullshit!¡±


    ¡°You needed the confidence to fight it, Grace. You needed to be strong enough to survive when it brought you to the depths of hell. It¡¯s only now, when you come face to face with your hate, that you can let it go. It¡¯s only here, where Elizabeth died, can you find who you are.¡±


    My lips whimper, they shake. Uncontrollably. I don¡¯t break away from his eyes.


    ¡°This pain that you went through? No one else could ever survive it. But you did. You digged in and clawed through. That¡¯s beauty.¡± Lyle says. He taps on the top of the vial. ¡°And now you¡¯re ready. All of it was just for this moment. You¡¯re ready to meet her. You will be reborn Gracefully.¡±


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you just force me¡­¡±


    ¡°It has to be your choice, Grace,¡± Lyle stands. ¡°Else she won¡¯t come. Everything will make sense when you drink it. Take all the time you need.¡±


    Lyle sits back on his chair and just watches me. He doesn¡¯t say anything else. He doesn¡¯t have to.


    My whole life has been a lie.


    Nothing was ever mine.


    Survive? What have I survived? Every time I felt I couldn¡¯t be more miserable, I was kept proven wrong. It¡¯s also a bottomless pit. There¡¯s no end to it. There¡¯s no point in trying to climb out of it anymore. Everything is so pointless.


    The sun sets. The rain continues to fall. Lyle continues to watch me with a stomach twisting smile. He¡¯s waiting.


    Waiting¡­


    He¡¯s only here for me.


    I¡¯m special. That¡¯s what everyone tells me. Nobody can tell me what makes me so. I¡¯m worthless, not worthy of being a human being. I¡¯m a monster. I¡¯m pathetic. I¡¯m not special. I don¡¯t have any gifts. This talk of fate and odd occurrences isn¡¯t real. It was just bullshit. It has to be. The stress has just been getting to me.


    I refuse to believe otherwise. Otherwise¡­I never had any control in my life. Everything kept happening because it¡¯s meant to. I didn¡¯t have a choice. Accepting that would mean¡­it would mean that I was born just to suffer.


    Elizabeth was right. Pain begets pain. Hurt people, hurt people and everyone is in agony. This spiral or cycle of despair is everyone¡¯s destiny. Escape is an illusion. There¡¯s no end to it. Never being apart it has also been an illusion. There is no escape.


    Humans will continue to hate each other. They¡¯ll bring them down. They¡¯ll kill and rob each other. They¡¯ll be left to freeze or starve. They¡¯ll be forced to work until death, being squeezed for everything. They¡¯ll be dehumanized and turned into numbers. Their humanity will be stripped away.


    Change will never happen because it happens within the cycle.


    It¡¯s pointless to even try.


    This world is evil. It can¡¯t be saved.


    There¡¯s no God here. There is no God in me.


    But I was supposed to be different. I was supposed to be special. I was a light to find in the darkness. I was told that so much that I eventually believed it. Hope was given to me to wear. Things have gotten too far for me to ever believe that again. I¡¯m powerless.


    Hate is a reflection to the true self. Winter grants access to the soul. Everything has led up to this. Elizabeth found peace when she took it. Peace is the only thing I want now.


    I don¡¯t want to be in pain anymore.


    ¡°Give me it,¡± I say.


    Lyle stands and claps. ¡°I¡¯m proud of¡­¡±


    The front door slams open. My name is yelled out for. During the slight confusion, Lyle is tackled to the ground. I should be relieved. I was found. I¡¯m saved.


    I don¡¯t want to be saved.


    Lyle pushes Andrew away from him. Cody stands between them and me, looking back and forth. Ultimately, he decided to help Andrew.


    ¡°You¡¯re spoiling the fun!¡± Lyle chuckles. ¡°Remember how it turned out three years ago?¡±


    ¡°Things are different now,¡± Cody calmly says.


    ¡°You sick fuck! What are you doing with my little sister?!¡± Andrew lunges at Lyle but gets avoided.


    Cody steps in and throws a couple of punches that are also evaded. Andrew grabs Lyle¡¯s arms from behind but Lyle kicks himself free.


    From the front door, Jerrica walks in, examines what¡¯s going on and runs over to me. She begins to loosen the knot tied to my feet. ¡°C¡¯mon, let''s get you out of here.¡±


    ¡°How did you find me?¡±


    ¡°Dumb luck, I guess,¡± Jerrica nervously says. ¡°Cody can explain it better.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡­¡±


    ¡°Jeez, Gracie. Now is not the time for this. We need to get you safe first.¡±


    Jerrica frees my legs and begins working on my hands. The robe is thinner and has many more knots. This it¡¯ll take her longer.


    It¡¯s a cycle. Everything repeats.


    Exactly three years ago, Cody and Andrew fought Lyle. They weren¡¯t a match for him. They lost. Emily was shot. The only saving grace was that they only needed to buy time until the cops came. Jerrica, Sara, Cody and Emily were never supposed to be there. Chris lost his mind because it didn¡¯t happen the way he saw it.


    And it¡¯s happening again.


    I did this.


    This is my fault.


    Jerrica cursed in her frustration of being unable to loosen the rope. Lyle elbows Andrew in the face, knocking him down. His face is kicked nearly clean off. Cody does a much better job defending himself. He lands a few hits on Lyle before Lyle jumps away to gain distance.


    ¡°I¡¯m actually starting to have fun,¡± Lyle laughs. ¡°I¡¯m not much for the past, but I¡¯m still pissed off about Marina.¡±


    ¡°And I¡¯m pissed about this.¡±


    Cody steps in, gets blocked then hit in the stomach. Lyle gets uppercutted.


    ¡°C¡¯mon, c¡¯mon, c¡¯mon!¡± Jerrica jerks on the knot that¡¯s about to come lose.


    Lyle steps in then trips. Andrew grabbed hold of his ankle and pulled him. Cody smacks Lyle on the temple.


    My hands are freed.


    ¡°C¡¯mon, let''s go!¡±


    ¡°Wait.¡±


    Jerrica turns her attention to the fight. Lyle falls down to the ground. Cody takes time to catch his breath while Andrew stumbles up the floor. He gets over Lyle and hits his head over and over again. Left. Right. Left. Right.


    ¡°It¡¯s done, Andrew. Stop,¡± Cody says.


    Andrew listens.


    ¡°Andrew, kill him!¡± I shout. ¡°This is the only way it can end!¡±


    I flinch from the sound when Andrew hits him again. ¡°She¡¯s right. This is how it should¡¯ve gone the first time.¡±


    ¡°Andy, stop!¡± Jerrica yells.


    Cody wants to stop him from continuing to hit Lyle, over and over again. He knows I¡¯m right too. Death is the only escape. It¡¯s the only way to stop this plague that''s been in our lives for so long. Andrew continues to rail on Lyle.


    Jerrica continues to plead and beg for Andrew to stop. He doesn¡¯t. ¡°Andy, stop this! You don¡¯t have to fight anymore!¡± Jerrica gets up and throws herself at her fiance. ¡°It¡¯s okay. You¡¯ve done enough,¡± She whispers.


    Andrew stops.

 XXXII: The emptiness that will never be filled

    Death is the only escape.


    The cycle will repeat if it doesn¡¯t happen.


    And it doesn¡¯t happen.


    Andrew is the only one who¡¯s able to. He¡¯s done it before. He knows how it feels. He can live with it. Lyle needs to die. This is the only way. But Andrew doesn¡¯t listen to me when I scream at him to finish it. He¡¯s listening to somebody else. I am not here. I can¡¯t even trust the people I care about the most.


    The vial of Winter is still in front of me. I pick it up and look up. Jerrica is rubbing Andrew¡¯s back. Cody is still catching his breath. Andrew is staring at the ceiling.


    I need to get out of here.


    ¡°Grace! Wait where are you going!¡± Cody shouts.


    I¡¯m already out the door.


    ¡°Jerrica follows her! We¡¯ll deal with thi¡­¡± Cody''s voice fades away.


    ¡°Grace, wait up!¡± Jerrica yells from behind. She calls out my name and it becomes quieter the more distance I make.


    It¡¯s dark out and I¡¯m running deeper into the forest. I can¡¯t see where I¡¯m going. I just run and keep on running. I was running like this four years ago when I chased after Elizabeth. Her name was being called out for then. My name is being called today.


    Everything repeats.


    Jerrica¡¯s voice fades away. I lost her and stopped to catch my breath. Even this repeats. I¡¯m in front of the tree where Elizabeth committed suicide. It¡¯s in the middle of nowhere. I can¡¯t see five feet in front of me, but this is where Elizabeth died. She was as much part of the cycle as everyone else was. The only difference is that she found a way out. Death.


    I used movies and tv shows to ease my loneliness as a child. I was able to live in those magic worlds as an escape. I wanted reality to have magic too. I¡¯ve been spoiled. Real life pales in comparison. Life is mundane and boring.


    It¡¯s not special.


    It¡¯s not worth living.


    There are drugs in my back pocket. I swallow the entire bag of Molly and pop both pills of ecstasy. I might as well and it¡¯s too dark and raining too much to get high on cocaine.


    I start walking. Where? I don¡¯t know. Anywhere works. Fuck, if anything, I know the perfect place to repeat the cycle.


    I¡¯d rather not exist.


    All my favorite poets took their own lives. Their lives were poetry. My existence is poetry. Why would I be any different? Every day only gets harder. Don¡¯t look too close now.


    There¡¯s no narrative. There¡¯s no redemption arc. There is no journey. It¡¯s just me and my mistakes. It¡¯s all been building upon each other, day by day, until they all become a gross unrecognizable mess. It¡¯s hideous. One day it¡¯ll get so ugly that it''ll crack the mirror. And I¡¯ll only get worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse. That day is at this moment.


    I often thought about what might have gone through Elizabeth¡¯s head in her final moments. I thought about how the metal must have felt against her temple. I wonder if she felt the bullet. I wonder if any part of her was still alive as she fell on the ground. Was she scared? Was she relieved? I must imagine her being happy. She no longer had to be in pain.


    Her death had significance.


    I get it now.


    I can stop blaming her.


    My death will be the same.


    The door to Cody¡¯s treehouse is open. I¡¯m dry inside.


    I do a bump of cocaine, then another, and then another. It doesn¡¯t make me any better. I don¡¯t want it to.


    I¡¯m a girl born without love. She¡¯s incapable of it. The rain washes away her unsightly stains. It washes away every age she¡¯s ever been and every age she¡¯ll ever be. She cares too much. It eats her alive. She remembers every little thing she¡¯s ever been told. She remembers every little thing she¡¯s experienced. She¡¯s burdened to carry everything that has ever hurt her. Remembering is an unbearable torture.


    Yet she cannot remember what makes her whole.


    I do another bump. And another. Another. Another. Another. I swallow all the xanax bars. Then I do more and more cocaine until I can no longer stand.


    My heart is going to explode.


    This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.


    Grace is a vessel of memories than she is a person. There isn¡¯t anything left of her worth saving. She used to cry herself to sleep and hope someone would check on her. It¡¯s time to wake up now. She¡¯s been dreaming. She tried her best. There were just some things that were too hard to overcome. That doesn¡¯t make her a bad person. She didn¡¯t mean to be angry. She didn¡¯t mean any harm. That¡¯s not what she wanted. Grace just wanted to be happy. Now it¡¯s too late. What she was looking for never existed.


    I open the vial. There weren''t instructions on how many drops I should release from the dropper. I guess it doesn¡¯t matter. I swallow it all. My teeth, gums and tongue freeze over. I took a bite of absolute zero ice but it doesn¡¯t hurt. In one of the gas stations near my house, their slushie machine has a flavor that''s called purple. It¡¯s not grape because it doesn¡¯t taste like grape, but purple. It¡¯s sort of how an orange is orange. Winter tastes as the embodiment of a snowstorm.


    Remember, I''m shaking too much from the cocaine to stand.


    Remember, life doesn¡¯t have happy endings.


    Everyone dies alone, just how I will die alone. I will be mourned and grieved. How could this happen?, or, she was too young, they¡¯ll say. Then someone else like me will come along and I¡¯ll be forgotten. The world will move on. The world can¡¯t miss what it never loved. And the cycle will continue to repeat.


    A woman with broken wings knows best about nets and frayed respect. She knows the devil doesn¡¯t need any I-told-you-so¡¯s. It¡¯s nothing but cheap talk and wasted breath. Everyone loves a mess. She intends to give one they won¡¯t forget.


    Okay.


    I think I¡¯m ready to let go now.


    -


    -


    -


    ¡°Mom? Do you still love me? I didn¡¯t mean to make you cry. I didn¡¯t want to hurt you. You were once a girl with needs and dreams just like me. You didn¡¯t deserve to have the child you gave your life to be taken from you. I¡¯m sorry for cutting your dreams short. I¡¯m sorry for not giving you support. I wish there was something I could have done to help you. I wish I could free you from all of this. Are you listening? Am I still your baby? Please, still love me, mommy.¡±


    I hope death feels like when you carried me to bed when I fell asleep in the car.


    -


    -


    -


    The ocean sings.


    The waves crash. The salty air is warm. The sand is soft.


    I can¡¯t see the ground below me. I¡¯m in the treehouse high above the main cabin. I lean back from the guardrail and turn around. It¡¯s supposed to be pitch black. A woman is on the opposite wall, examining the pinned Polaroids. She¡¯s glowing. She¡¯s wearing a white dress. I take a few steps forward. She turns around.


    I don¡¯t recognize her.


    ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is,¡± she says. She smiles. Her voice is almost like an angel¡¯s. It¡¯s soothing. ¡°Life is great,¡± she continues.


    Her hair is brown, but her eyes are nearly completely white. Her body is slightly transparent and the light emitting out of her is an aura of light rainbow hues.


    ¡°Without it, you¡¯ll be dead,¡± I reply.


    ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,¡± The woman walks up to me and hugs me.


    -


    -


    -


    I lean away from the rail again. When I turn around, the woman in the white dress is walking around the walls with her fingertips tracing on them. Her hair is short¨Cwait. I remember this haircut. She stops in front of me. She holds a finger over her mouth. Her eyes are large and round.


    ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is,¡± She says angelically. ¡°Life is great.¡±


    ¡°Without it, you¡¯ll be dead,¡± I say again.


    ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,¡± The woman hugs me again


    -


    Again.


    I turn around from the rail. The woman in white was waiting for me in the middle with her hands clasped together. Her smile is gentle and kind. Her hair is styled as a bob. She¡¯s wearing the white dress from the poster.


    ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is,¡± She says as an angel. ¡°Life is great,¡±


    ¡°Without it, you¡¯ll be dead.¡¯


    She shakes her head. ¡°Life is beautiful, really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions,¡± The woman walks up and hugs me.


    -


    Remember.


    Grace.


    -


    -


    Once more.


    I climb up the ladder, my phone dropping out of my pocket as I rise. It falls all the way down. I¡¯m surrounded by complete darkness. A lightning strike lights the sky for a brief moment and I lean over the rail. I can¡¯t see the ground below me. It¡¯s not raining as hard anymore. It¡¯s slowing down to a drizzle.


    I turn around.


    The woman in the white dress is standing in the middle again. Her hands are clasped together. The aura around her is now golden and she isn¡¯t transparent anymore. She extends her hand for me to hold when I approach her. I rest my palm on top of hers then I look her in the eyes. There¡¯s no mistaking it now. She resembles my mother but that was only my initial thought. The woman in the white dress is me, or at the very least, taking the form of an older me. I think.


    It¡¯s hard to recognize her.


    ¡°Life is beautiful,¡± I say. ¡°Really, it is. Filled with beauty and illusions. Life is great. Without it, you¡¯d be dead.¡±


    The woman in white closes her eyes, smiles and nods.


    She hugs me.


    She loves me, and I love her back.


    Everything becomes dark.


    -


    -


    -


    -


    -


    -


    -


    The ocean¡¯s waves sing back and forth.