《Sim HUD Simkha》 1.1 – Simkhas Bad Day Simkha liked to run at the old track at dusk. She liked the cool, drizzly weather at First Oxford because it reminded her of crisp winter days back home in Tangiers. She liked the outdated rubbery running surface that reminded her of practice with her old track team. She felt secure with one or another women¡¯s sport squad always training out on the central pitch. And when the new track and field lights made it impossible not to occasionally glance at the training athletes, she let herself enjoy a quiet, healthy appreciation of the fit young women at practice. But Simkha had little mental capacity to appreciate anyone¡¯s fitness that evening. She ran wearing the vacant look of preoccupation. She might have been crying, but if she was then her sweat covered up her tears. She ran herself to exhaustion. She was reduced to slow, shaky strides by the time she tripped over her own feet. She looked like a caricature of somebody who tripped a lot. She had the kind of ungainly build that made you think "is that lady about to fall over¡± even when she was firmly seated in a chair. She moved like she kept forgetting she was as tall or as wide as she actually was. She tried to correct her footwork, over-corrected, tumbled halfway through an accidental cartwheel, and fell over into a painful, bouncing crash. She moaned, rolled onto her back, and harrumphed in frustration. She gritted her teeth and rubbed vigorously at her eyes. When she opened her eyes again, she saw people gathering around her. She recognized the three footballers who had been drilling together nearby. Oh, and they were saying something. "Yai k?ge aue! Nue idday c?r?" begged the enthusiastic footballer. "Awn wue ?ss ?ndraft eunck? Yah yued?t i¡¯ s?din phl?ck,¡± insisted the wide-eyed footballer. "Oweir buime rey yir. Pori Hawt en, luek, yai dawck," interjected the stoic footballer. Simkha scrambled to catch up. Come on brain, she urged. Those were words. They are speaking. That was English. I know we speak English. Until finally¡ª ¡±¡ªsaid: are you okay? Where does it hurt?" Oh thank G*d, Simkha thought. Then she squirmed. ¡°Ow. everything hurts.¡± "Hey don''t move that yet,¡± said the stoic footballer, stilling Simkha¡¯s thigh with one hand. ¡°But it¡¯s okay¡± said the enthusiastic footballer. ¡°We can help you. We¡¯re somatology students. Try to hold still. We¡¯ll help you identify your injuries, test your range of motion, and bandage you up.¡± Simkha stared at the trio, eyes shifting between them. They want...test...bandages? Eventually she gave a slow nod, her expression never betraying even a bit of comprehension. The trio comforted and cooed at Simkha as they prodded along her body. They pressed specific areas gently-but-firmly and asked if she was in more or less pain. They helped her move each joint in isolation to test for unseen wounds. When Simkha couldn¡¯t describe the sensations she was feeling, they gave her easy, yes-or-no questions to answer instead. They found she had scraped-up palms, skinned knees, abraded forearms, a bruised thigh, and some bruising over her ribs. Luckily, no breaks or sprains. The stoic footballer left, then returned with a first-aid bumbag. She cleaned Simkha¡¯s wounds and bandaged her up. The trio were very comforting while Simkha lay flat on her back, slowly blinking at them like a dope. The enthusiastic footballer reached out to help Simkha stand when Simkha widened her eyes and tilted her head slightly. "Ohhh,¡± she said dreamily. ¡°I know you. You''re Good-Arms Jock. From the Jericho Caf¨¦!" Simkha looked on obliviously as the enthusiastic footballer suddenly froze. Then Simkha slammed her eyes and mouth shut, her face twisting in embarrassment. She might have flushed red, but you would not have been able to tell because she was still so flushed from her run. ¡°I said that out loud, didn¡¯t I,¡± she muttered. She cracked one eye open, braving a look at her rescuer. Good-Arms Jock still held her hand out, offering to help pick Simkha up. But now Good-Arms Jock wore a shit eating grin. She winked at Simkha and asked "so¡­ you like my arms then?" Simkha looked away. After a moment she took Good-Arms Jock¡¯s offered hand anyway, two fingers stretched up towards the other woman¡¯s admittedly good arms. Simkha sputtered and stumbled to standing. "Look, I just want to say that I am still in pain and I am having a hard day¡­ But, also, yes. You do have nice arms. Even if I should not have tried to name you after them.¡± "It''s too late. You¡¯ve spoiled her forever." The wide-eyed footballer threw a friendly arm around Simkha¡¯s hunched shoulders. "She is never going to answer to any other name ever again." Simkha stared at her feet. She opened and closed her mouth, failing to produce a sound. Her deep flush did not lessen. She glanced up and saw Good-Arms Jock flexing goofily for her friends. She looked away as the trio burst into guffaws. ¡°Uh, I guess I¡¯m¡­ sorry about ruining your friend?¡± tried Simkha. ¡°Oh girl,¡± said the wide-eyed footballer, "you¡¯re not the one who ruined her.¡± ¡°That¡¯s right,¡± agreed Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I have excellent self-esteem. But us three, like, always go to that caff together. Do these two get jock-based nicknames too?" Simkha tried to light her own shoes on fire with just the strength of her gaze. She did not succeed. But she did become aware that her ankle had started to ache. Maybe she was still developing a bruise? Wait. What was she here for? She was reasonably sure someone had asked her a question. Oh no. They were just staring at her, with occasional breaks to shoot knowing looks at each other. She squirmed in discomfort. Was it¡­? Nicknames? "Oh G*d.¡± mumbled Simkha. ¡°Do you, uh, do you two really want to know?¡± "YES!¡± said the wide-eyed footballer. ¡°So much. More than anything in the world.¡± Simkha stared at her bandages and ran her hand along them. After a few seconds of desperately trying to calm herself, she glanced at the stoic footballer, then back to the question-asker. "Well, uh, I guess I think of her as ''Leg Day.¡¯" Leg Day had worn a totally blank expression until now. But for the briefest of moments, the corner of her mouth twitched into a shape that almost reminded Simkha of a smile. ¡°Yesss, bitch!¡± cackled Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Leg Day! Leg Day! Thighs of a Goddess!¡± "What about meee-e?¡± begged the wide-eyed footballer. ¡°I want a nickname too." The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation. "Well, uh, I kinda think of you as Jennifer. S-sorry. We had, um, Intro Archeology together." "Nooo-o,¡± whined Jennifer, ¡°Fuck me. I''m too studious for my own good!¡± "Lame-e," chuckled Good-Arms Jock. Leg Day reached over and flicked Good-Arms Jock on her ear. "No. Bad jock. Spray bottle emoji." "Owww! What? Why did you do that?" "Ableism," said Leg Day. "Ugh, nooo-o.¡± Good-Arms Jock clasped her hands protectively over her ears. ¡°I thought people with like, actual fucked-up legs said it¡¯s fine to call bad things lame?" Oh G*d, did I make them fight? Simkha twitched as Leg Day leaned in and jabbed a raised finger at Good-Arms Jock. "Corey said it¡¯s ableist. And Corey always looks this kind of thing up. Or she asks someone in the community if the answer isn¡¯t clear.¡± ¡°Ugh, but are you sure?¡± whined Good-Arms Jock. She tried to swat away Leg Day¡¯s raised finger. Simkha squeaked, then cleared her throat. "Do, um, do you guys mean Corey Paleopolis?¡± she asked. "Because I know her mom has one of those, uh, blade-leg things. If that counts." Leg day raised an eyebrow at Good-Arms Jock. Good-Arms Jock pouted. Simkha looked back-and forth between the jocks and then down at her own feet. ¡°Sorry,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to¡ª¡± Good-Arms Jock smiled and shoved Simkha on the shoulder. ¡°Oh my god it¡¯s okay, girl. I can just pick a different word. We¡¯re not really fighting. Like, thank you for helping us know things. I fucking love knowing things. But maybe we should turn back to the whole injured-girl-needs-help question. You still look fucked up. You have a flat in the Jericho neighborhood, right? Near the caff? How about we help you walk home?¡± ¡°Oh,¡± said Simkha. She shifted left and right and left again, then turned her eyes down. ¡°Look, you-you¡¯re all so nice. But you all are here to train. I¡¯ve already been a bother. I don¡¯t want to make it any worse. I fall and injure myself like once a month so this is actually pretty mild compared to what I usually do. I¡¯m sure I can make it home alone just fine.¡± ¡°Hmm,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. She lowered her head and tried to catch Simkha¡¯s eyes. She gave up after a few seconds of failure. ¡°I¡¯ll give you two options. If you just don¡¯t want us to help you for the sake of your privacy then that¡¯s, like, fine. Don¡¯t share anything you don¡¯t want to share. No offense taken, no worries. But you¡¯re, like, standing like you think you take up too much space. And, like, you¡¯re not. And you¡¯re not being a bother either. I know we only kind of know each other, but I am having way more fun talking with you than I would if we were doing the training our captain told us to do. And you¡¯re being too cute and fun to tease. So if you don¡¯t want us to take you home because you think we don¡¯t want to take you home¡­ then stop worrying. Don¡¯t minimize yourself. If you let us take care of you then that¡¯s, like, basically feminism.¡± Simkha shrank in on herself. Was she... trembling? No, she straightened her posture. The jocks exchanged looks. Simkha took a few ragged, anxious breaths. ¡°I-I-I, um, I¡ª¡± she sputtered. ¡°Oh shit, we actually are nosing in on your privacy,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. She lowered her eyes and twisted a lock of hair around her finger. ¡°I¡¯m like, so sorry. I was being presumptuous. And clearly you need a little space. And I know we can be a¡ª¡± ¡°No!¡± interjected Simkha. Her hands were clenched into fists at her sides, but she definitely wasn''t trembling now. She lifted her head just enough to see the jocks. She blinked wide, shining eyes.¡°W-wait. You were right. You had everything spot on. I¡¯m just a really anxious person. P-p-please help me get home, yeah?¡± Good-Arms Jock¡¯s expression relaxed into a wide grin. She popped over to Simkha¡¯s side and braced her with an arm. ¡°We¡¯d love to! Let¡¯s just head towards Jericho and you just tell us when it¡¯s time to turn. C¡¯mon, ¡®Leg Day!¡¯ You get our new friend¡¯s other side, and Jennifer will be our tour guide tonight.¡± Simkha rearranged herself between the jocks¡¯ arms and let them take pressure off her bruising ankle. They tentatively began to limp towards the edge of the track. ¡°I-I really want to say thanks for this. I owe you all one. I kind of struggle to talk to people, normally.¡° ¡°Of course, new friend. We all know how bad sport injuries can be. You looked kind of a mess on the track, no offense.¡± Simkha smiled just a little, her eyes still wide. ¡°So, um, you called me ¡®new friend.¡¯ If I¡¯m a new friend, then¡­ do I get a nickname too? Or maybe I¡¯m not supposed to ask?¡± ¡°Oh my god, you¡¯re two whole messes,¡± chuckled Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Normally, I¡¯d point out that you made up the other nicknames. But we actually have talked about you before. We noticed you around town.¡± ¡°We did,¡± agreed Leg Day. Oh no. Oh G*d. She knew this would be bad news. ¡°You might not remember this¡± said Jennifer, with a performative intonation, ¡°but you and I actually took Intro Archeology together. So, because of what I heard in that module, we¡¯ve been calling you ¡®Simkha.¡¯¡± ¡°But that¡¯s not a nickname at all,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Oh,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Yeah, kinda makes you wish you got a nickname too, right?" Simkha blushed just a little bit. ¡°Yeah, I guess that makes sense. But you must have a good memory. That module was a while ago, and we never talked. That was my first year here, and I kind of made flash cards so I could memorize all my classmates¡¯ names.¡± ¡°Actually,¡± interjected Leg Day, ¡°Jen couldn¡¯t tell if ¡®Simkha¡¯ was your given name or your family name in that module. She thought names might work different in Amazigh Culture, and she had to beg me and Arms over there to figure it out for her. So I think that¡¯s why she remembered your name. And why it¡¯s actually us two who deserve the credit.¡± ¡°Oh my god, you jerks.¡± sulked Jennifer. She turned red and covered her eyes with her hands. ¡°Well¡­ I still want my own jock name!¡± Simkha felt her gaze shift to the middle distance of its own accord. She realized her face was hot. She struggled to put a lid on her expression, but whatever her face was doing seemed to be about half a second faster than she was. Leg Day¡¯s even gaze never left Simkha. ¡°What is it? Did I say something wrong? Like, something racist, or bigoted?¡± ¡°Not really. It¡¯s just¡­¡± Simkha hesitated for a moment. But would Leg Day have asked if she didn¡¯t want to know? Maybe Simkha was just making her uncomfortable, and that¡¯s why she said what she said? Ah, fuck it. ¡°So English Tangiers is legally Amazigh¡ªbut the culture is actually totally distinct, even after the fall of old England¡ªso we count as our own tribe in the Tamazgha Senate¡ªbut Anglo-Amazigh names are pretty similar to the rest of the English Diaspora¡ªso they all sound like ¡®Konstantisse¡¯ and ¡®Lella-Louise¡¯¡ªbut my name is actually Jewish, so I don¡¯t have a family name anyway¡ªbut my family is Judeo-Amazigh, so as a woman I get a Matronymic instead of a Patronymic.¡± Simkha flushed. She said too much. Why did she always say too much? Did Leg Day look overwhelmed? Did Good-Arms Jock and Jennifer look bored? All of their expressions had... changed. This is why I can¡¯t be trusted to hold up a whole fourth of a conversation. ¡°So¡­¡± said Leg Day. ¡°you¡¯re Jewish, and that means your last name is like ¡®daughter of your mom?¡¯¡± ¡°Y-yeah. Well, it¡¯s my specific kind of Jewish that does it that way.¡± ¡°Huh. So what¡¯s your matronymic?¡± ¡°Batouri. But my Uni paperwork all miss-spells it as Battouri, with two ¡®T¡¯s. And I think that might look cooler anyway.¡± ¡°Cool,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Thanks for the explainer.¡± Good-Arms Jock shared a look with Jennifer. ¡°Anyway, I wanted to get back to something you mentioned earlier. Simkha. Simmy. Simmamon Bun. Babe. What actually happened today? Right after you gave me my perfect new name, you said you were having a really bad day. Is that why you pushed yourself too hard on the track?" Simkha drew her brows in. Very impressively, she did not burst into tears. She thought for a few seconds as she limped along after Jennifer. ¡°Well, uh, I guess the first thing you need to know is that I¡¯m a huge fuck-up. And today, I invented a whole new way to fuck up an exam. I-I think I can tell you about it. But could I have a few minutes to gather my thoughts, first?¡± ¡°Of course, babe. In the mean time, let me get your mobile number so I can send it to the girls.¡± Simkha gave the girls her number. Did she feel okay that they were taking her home? She was too exhausted to tell. Was she being stupid because she was tired? She didn''t think it was normal for people to be this nice. What if they were grifters? Con artists? No, no, no. She was the one who fell, and they had done nothing but give the help they offered. She struggled to believe they really noticed her around town enough to talk about her before. She would have to be insane to think they would bother to plan a way to grift her. So... they were probably genuine. But how much would they want to know about her exam fuck-up? She didn''t know how to explain what happened. They''d definitely arrive at her flat before she managed to communicate half of the story. Was her flat even ready to have guests over? Oh fuck. Oh G*d. Why did she have to like these people? 1.2 – Making Friends Simkha let the jocks help her back to Jericho. Jennifer led the way, asking Simkha for directions again when they entered the neighborhood. ¡°First we¡¯ll go to the caf¨¦, then I¡¯ll show you my place.¡± Jennifer and Good-Arms Jock shared a look and turned back to Simkha. ¡°So¡­ was that enough time to gather your thoughts about whatever happened today? I bet it would be, like, healthy to get your emotions out.¡± Simkha gulped. She had asked for a few minutes to think about how to explain her exam failure. But then more important thoughts had interrupted her. So she¡¯d not given the original subject a single thought. She doubted she would be able to communicate what actually happened. But on the other hand, she didn¡¯t want to be a liar to her potential friends. But on the other hand, she was sure she would just frustrate and confuse them if she tried to ad-lib an explanation. But on the other hand, they were already looking at her expectantly. ¡°Well, I ha-had¡­had an exam today. And I failed it.¡± ¡°Ouch,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°That fucking sucks.¡± Good-Arms Jock winced and nodded. ¡°Big exam?¡± asked Leg Day. Simkha took a long breath. ¡°Yeah. It was¡­ really big. Well, it determines my entire mark for my Diplomatic Historiography module.¡± Good-Arms Jock shot Simkha a sympathetic look. ¡°Fuck.¡± ¡°Same. Fuck.¡± Simkha thought about what a competent conversationalist would share next. Why? How? Where? Maybe w¡ª ¡°I guess you¡¯re not really used to failing?¡¯ asked Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Jen heard a rumor you¡¯ve got, like, a really good scholarship. And those things come with some sort of marks-based requirement, don¡¯t they?¡± Simkha chewed her lip. She arranged her face into a noncommittal expression and wobbled a hand in a yes-and-no motion. ¡°I do have a scholarship. I got it partly because I had really good marks back home. Like, really really good marks.¡± After a second, Leg Day said ¡°I hear a ¡®but¡¯ coming.¡± ¡°Uh, yeah. But¡­ I¡¯ve fucked just about everything up since I came to First Oxford. I¡¯m a huge disappointment. Then today, I managed to bung up the entire module.¡± ¡°I, like, completely feel your pain,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°I would be, ugh, just so upset if that happened to me, too. But I would be way, way whinier about it.¡± Jennifer put on a consciously ditzy expression. ¡°And I would probably blame everything on my professor. Are you, like, at risk of losing your scholarship?¡± Simkha turned a flushing face towards the sky. She hobbled into the part of the neighborhood with the new, aggressively bright streetlights. ¡°Well, uh, no. I¡¯m really lucky. That¡¯s part of why I¡¯m such a huge disappointment. My scholarship has really inflexible terms. As in, I would actually have to plan out a strategy if I wanted to lose it. My scholarship is kind of, uh, written into a treaty with my country.¡± Jennifer¡¯s jaw dropped. She covered her mouth with her hands. " w a i t . ¡± breathed Jennifer, ¡° a r e?y o u?a . . .?p r i n c e s s ? ¡± ¡°What?¡± asked a baffled-looking Simkha. ¡° a r e .?y o u .?a .?p r i n c e s s ? ¡± Jennifer hissed. She leaned in towards Simkha and clasped her shoulders tight. ¡°OhMyG*dWhat?¡± squeaked Simkha. ¡°I¡¯m! I¡¯m¡­ well I¡¯m Jewish for one. There¡¯s no Jewish noble houses in the Tamazgha Republic!¡± ¡°That doesn¡¯t mean you¡¯re not a?p r i n c e s s ! ¡± insisted Jennifer. ¡°Maybe you¡¯re from one of the Israels and you just went to Tamazgha as a teen to study in lyceum!¡± ¡°I, what?¡± said Simkha. ¡°Look, we don¡¯t call it ¡®lyceum, we¡¯ call it ¡®high school¡¯ in Tamazgha.¡¯¡± Jennifer grew a massive, devilish grin. ¡°You didn¡¯t¡­ say¡­ you¡¯re not¡­ a?p r i n c e s s . ¡± ¡°I¡¯m not a princess!¡± insisted Simkha. She had turned bright red. ¡°None of the Israels even have monarchies any more!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know¡± deadpanned Leg Day. ¡°Don¡¯t the New Homerites elect a king?¡± ¡°That¡¯s a ceremonial title for their elected executive! It doesn¡¯t count! Their current King¡¯s not even a Jew!¡± ¡°Then what about the Ashinas, hmm?¡± ¡°No! That¡¯s just a regular dictatorship! No royal titles!¡± ¡°Beta Israel?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not a princess!¡± Leg Day looked entertained. Jennifer looked disappointed. The nearby trains grew louder, discordant clanking marking their starts and stops. ¡°Look,¡± Simkha grumbled, ¡°because of the treaty, the scholarship technically came from the English King, so only he can revoke it. And that would make him look bad unless I, like, kill somebody. I can¡¯t even give the scholarship up without causing bigger problems. And, that¡­ that¡¯s why I suck. I used to be smart, but now I¡¯m not. And so I¡¯m basically keeping this scholarship from somebody worthwhile.¡± Simkha noticed that Leg Day and Good-Arms-Jock were slightly out of step with each other. Whenever Simkha stepped her left foot forward, their differential jostled her right and then left. Simkha tried to adjust herself to even out the jostling, only to notice they had stopped. They had arrived in front of the caf¨¦ . The caf¨¦ was, of course, closed. The light inside was off, the chairs and tables taken off the sidewalk and stashed inside. The red awning was discolored by a spatter of coffee-colored stains that wasn¡¯t there this morning. ¡°Oh no,¡± said Jennifer with a concerned frown, ¡°the caff is closed.¡± ¡°I guess? I mean, it¡¯s like 8.15 pm?¡± ¡°Oh, I guess. I thought it must be open later, since Simkha wanted to go in.¡± ¡°I wanted to go in?¡± asked Simkha. ¡°Didn¡¯t you say so?¡± asked Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I thought you must have heard about, like, a special event or something?¡± Leg Day raised an eyebrow at Simkha. ¡°No¡­¡± said Simkha. ¡°I assumed they closed at 5 like always. I am confused.¡± She frowned. Had she really said she wanted to go in? She didn¡¯t think she had. But Good-Arms Jock and Jennifer were eyeing her with poorly-concealed expressions of concern. ¡°I-I-I really don¡¯t remember wanting to go in. But I guess I¡­ must have said it?¡± asked Simkha. ¡°Is it¡­ maybe I could have injured my brain when I fell even though I didn¡¯t hit my head?¡± The Jocks shared a concerned look before Good-Arms Jock spoke up. ¡°Could be. Or maybe you just spaced out for a moment. A brain injury can be a lot more serious than your run-of-the-mill sport injury. But sometimes the symptoms masquerade as everyday forgetfulness. We''re just students. Perhaps we should take you to a real doctor? Would, uh, would that be okay? I don¡¯t know if Tamazgha has a health-care treaty with the LC?¡± Simkha felt her body sag, against her will. ¡°No. It¡¯s fine,¡± Simkha mumbled. ¡°Health care is in the terms of my scholarship.¡± ¡°Oh, thank god¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I was a little scared you people would have private insurance.¡± ¡°Same, ¡± agreed Jennifer. She looked relieved. ¡°But this is good! At least you can see a doctor without, like, going into debt servitude?¡± Simkha¡¯s face felt overheated. Her head felt over-pressurized. The front of her torso felt¡­ twisted? Was she about to cry? She noticed Leg Day frowning at her. Why was Leg Day frowning at her too? Simkha felt weird in her chest, felt each breath start to grow shallow and fast. She felt the clanks and clangs of the nearby trains in her teeth. She felt she was in the past, running again. She was stumbling again. She was falling. Oh G*d. Simkha hated this moment. She could predict the whole bloody crash ahead of her. She had no way to avoid it. ¡°Wait,¡± interrupted Leg Day. ¡°Simkha. Simkha. Look at me. I have a question. Where is your flat?¡± Simkha blinked through her tears. She wore a baffled expression. ¡°Uh, there,¡± said Simkha, weakly pointing at a townhouse on the far side of the caf¨¦. Leg Day smiled and sighed. ¡°It¡¯s okay Simkha. You¡¯re fine. No brain injury, no doctor needed.¡± ¡°Huh?¡± said Simkha. ¡°What?¡± asked Jennifer. ¡°Ohhh,¡± groaned Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Simkha is fine,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°We just misunderstood her. She said we would go to the caff, then she would show us to her flat. We thought she meant we should go-to-the-caff go to the caff. Which would have been a problem since it was closed. But she was just giving directions. Like ¡®go to the caff then turn left¡¯ directions. Except we don¡¯t need to turn. ¡± ¡°Huh?¡± said Simkha. ¡°Ughhh!¡± moaned Jennifer. ¡°Yes. Okay. We were being stupid.¡± Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings. Good-Arms Jock sent Simkha a meek grin. ¡°Sorry, Simmie. I swear we¡¯re not, like trying to gaslight you. And while you¡¯ve been having such a shit day too. That was just, like, our really unfortunate misunderstanding.¡± ¡°Huh?¡± said Simkha. ¡°It¡¯s good, Sims,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°You¡¯re actually fine. You just lean on us, and we¡¯ll take you back to your palace.¡± Nearby, one of the trains laid on its horn in a long, abnormal blast that rattled glass and heralded sharp metallic squeals. Simkha stumbled. She covered her face with her hands. She couldn¡¯t handle this. It was too much. Everything was too much. ¡°Princess?¡± asked Leg Day. ¡°Fuck off!¡± Simkha stumbled back, bracing herself against the caf¨¦ window. She saw Good-Arms Jock and Leg Day share a meaningful glance. A part of her knew she was being unreasonable. But that part did not have access to her mouth. ¡°Oh my G*d, just go! You don¡¯t have to be here! I could¡¯a called myself a fucking R?deShare to get home.¡± Simkha slumped. ¡°I¡¯m not¡­! You don¡¯t¡­! Aaa!¡± Simkha felt hot tears drip from her face. She felt turbulent breath catch in her throat. She heard a woman crying. She buried her face behind her arms and knees. Fuck! Why did I say that? Why am I like this? Simkha lost herself. She had no idea how long she cried for. Eventually, she could see through blurry, wet eyes. She realized the others were still with her. ¡°S-sor-sorry. It¡¯s okay not to deal with me. I¡¯m being a crazy bitch. I¡¯m not worth the hassle.¡± ¡°You know,¡± said Leg Day in a low, soft voice. ¡°I am starting to suspect that I might have gone too far with the princess-based teasing.¡± Simkha snorted and sputtered. Good-Arms Jock grabbed Leg Day¡¯s thigh. ¡°Oh my god, shut up Legs!¡± ¡°Nooo,¡± groaned Simkha, ¡°You were fine. It¡¯s fine. I¡¯m sorry. I don¡¯t think you went too far. I have no idea why I snapped at you. I¡¯m so sorry.¡± ¡°Well¡­ for me¡­ the ¡®too far¡¯ I care about is that I took things too far for you. I¡¯m sorry I did that. It¡¯s okay to have sore subjects. Maybe you can let me know if I touch on anything sensitive, and I¡¯ll try not to be an asshole with my stupid jokes.¡± Simkha nodded, glumly. ¡°I guess. But¡­ I¡¯m really not good at all this. I¡¯m not¡­ I don¡¯t¡­ I don¡¯t know why you¡¯re still here. I¡¯m pretty awful, and apparently I blow up at nice people for no reason.¡± ¡°Who said I was nice? Look, we don¡¯t know you that well yet, but what we do know says you¡¯re not awful. And for what it¡¯s worth, I¡¯m sure you¡¯re worth that scholarship.¡± Simkha buried her head again, but Leg Day kept talking. ¡°I¡¯m not kidding. When you were in that class with Jennifer, she literally talked about how smart you were. Well, she complained about it.¡± Simkha heard somebody shove Leg Day. ¡°Oh my god shut up, that¡¯s embarrassing,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Legs. Babe. Queen.¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Shut up about the scholarship. Just give her some time. Sometimes people just need time.¡± Simkha looked up, and saw that Leg Day, Good-Arms Jock, and Jennifer were all sat against the wall in a row with her. Jennifer gave Simkha a little smile, and a corny wave. Good-Arms Jock snorted, called Jennifer a ¡°fucking dweeb,¡± and started waving like the queen. ¡°Greetings, my subject Simkha. ¡®Tis I, here to support you. You may proceed to feel comforted. Sorry I left you my idiot son for a king.¡± Leg Day just looked flushed, wearing an expression that screamed I can¡¯t believe I am friends with these morons. After a few minutes, Leg Day stood up and stretched her legs. She hauled Simkha to her feet first, followed by Good-Arms Jock and Jennifer. Leg Day arranged herself and Good-Arms Jock to resume their duty as Simkha¡¯s crutches, and the group crossed the street to Simkha¡¯s block. ¡°You¡¯ve had bad luck today,¡± said Good-Arms Jock, ¡°Is it possible you angered a witch recently? Dug up a cursed ancient relic?¡± Simkha smiled. She did her best to calm down as she unlocked her front door, limped up the stairs to the first floor landing, and hobbled into her small flat. She put her electric kettle on to boil while Jennifer and Good-Arms Jock praised how cute her little place was. She smiled when Leg Day looked around, gave her a nod, and said ¡°no objections.¡± Finally, Simkha offered everyone tea. She prepared two Yorkshires and two Peppermint herbals. ¡°Geor¡ªuh, I mean, Good-Arms Jock used to date a princess, you know?¡± said Jennifer, settling herself into Simkha¡¯s big chair. ¡°Huh?¡± said Simkha. ¡°Like, a real¡­ uh¡­ are you sure you¡¯re not gaslighting me? I thought you said¡ª¡± ¡°Princess,¡± confirmed Leg Day, with a stoic lack of expression. ¡°Princesse Aldore Jaqueline Bathilde Louise Jean-Marie Therese d¡¯Antoign-Rochelle. She¡¯s a bit of¡­ well¡­ she¡¯s good with an ¨¦p¨¦e in the dueling club.¡± Good-Arms Jock glared at Leg Day, glared harder at Jennifer, sighed, and turned to Simkha. ¡°Yes¡­ it¡¯s true!¡± Good-Arms Jock admitted, raising a melodramatic hand to her forehead. ¡°It was a mistake I made, like, a year ago. It gave Jennifer a whole¡­ thing¡­ for royalty. And I think it might yet awaken Jennifer¡¯s latent sapphic impulses.¡± Jennifer rolled her eyes, shot Simkha a commiserating smirk, and shook her head. ¡°If Arms doesn¡¯t want to be teased about her princess, then she just has to say so,¡± deadpanned Leg Day. Simkha just sat in a kitchen chair and nodded. She felt a hush fall over the flat. Good-Arms Jock looked distracted. Leg Day sat more introspectively. Jennifer was texting. Simkha¡­ didn¡¯t feel anxious? She was fairly certain the others felt a bit awkward, but at least this time, she didn¡¯t think that was her fault. Sure, she wasn¡¯t really being a good host. But she felt like she could actually imagine these girls as her friends now. She thought that might be because she¡¯d seen that they were capable of social missteps too. ¡°I¡­ I really like you guys,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I¡¯m sorry I kind of went crazy on you for a little bit there. But you were so kind, and so lovely.¡± ¡°Good,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. She smiled, adopting a certain presence and warmth. ¡°I¡¯m glad we weren¡¯t too much for you. I remember when, um, I decided that Leg Day needed to be friends with me and Jennifer. I think I was kind of a lot. I basically integrated her into our social circle by force. I think she struggled to deal with me, a bit. If things get to be too much, just let me know and I¡¯ll back off, yeah?¡± Simkha blinked rapidly. ¡°Is¡­ is that really what¡¯s happening? I¡¯m, like, really bad at making friends. Even with everything you said. I was kind of anxious about whether you¡¯d even remember me in the morning, much less still want me as a friend¡± ¡°You want Arms to remember you in the morning?¡± said Leg Day, bouncing her eyebrows. ¡°You should be so lucky.¡± Good-Arms Jock swatted at her. Simkha piled her hands on top of her reddening face. ¡°Oh my G*d, I didn¡¯t mean like that. I-I-I¡¯m of too much of a mess to even think about... kissing girls right now.¡± ¡°Told you guys,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. Jennifer rolled her eyes. ¡°Oh my god, you two are fucking incorrigible. Simkha, if you want to know the real behind-the-scenes of what¡¯s happening, Georgia is trying to recruit you to be my friend so I can have somebody to talk me down from murdering them both when they get like this.¡± ¡°Uh, who is, uh, is Georgia?¡± ¡°There is no Georgia here,¡± insisted Good-Arms Jock. ¡°She meant to say ¡®Good-Arms Jock.¡¯¡± ¡°I am done with calling you that,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°It¡¯s way too wordy.¡± ¡°Jennifer!¡± gasped Good-Arms Jock. ¡°You are insulting Simkha! She invented my name! How could you?¡± ¡°Do you see what I must deal with?¡± demanded Jennifer. ¡°You love me.¡± ¡°You must be thinking of someone else.¡± Simkha smiled. She really did like this. It was nice. It was too nice to last. ¡°I¡­ I need to tell you one more thing. A thing you have to know, and you might see why it¡¯s not worth being my friend.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not a princess, you¡¯re a queen?¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Oh my god Jennifer, be respectful¡± demanded Good-Arms Jock. Simkha felt something happen in her chest, and heard her voice grow raspy. She wanted to look up at the jocks, to see how they reacted. But her neck refused to let her. She stared into her tea instead. ¡°I-I-I¡­ I wasn¡¯t¡­ I wasn¡¯t actually lying earlier. When I had my breakdown and told you all I¡¯m crazy. I am. Crazy, I mean.¡± Simkha felt the others¡¯ gazes settle on her. ¡±I have what¡¯s called an ¡®unspecified psychosis.¡¯ A bunch of doctors diagnosed me when I was, like, ten. For a while, they thought I was schizophrenic, but they decided I didn¡¯t show enough of the diagnostic signs. And I¡¯ve listened to a bunch of schizophrenic people since then. Whatever I have going on, it¡¯s different to that.¡± Simkha took a moment to recompose herself. ¡°Can I ask an embarrassing question,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°What does ¡®psychosis¡¯ mean? I am pretty sure I was supposed to study that. But I guess I didn¡¯t pay attention.¡± ¡°Yeah, of course,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I, um. Basically, I sometimes can¡¯t tell what is real and what isn¡¯t. Or what happened and what didn¡¯t.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± said Good-Arms Jock softly. ¡° Ohhh. So. Earlier. When we thought you told us¡­ that you wanted to go into the caff¡­¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± said Simkha ¡°I thought it was happening again. Like, surprise bitch! You¡¯re crazy again.¡± ¡°God.¡± ¡°When I was a girl¡ªfor a few years before they diagnosed me¡ªI had this friend. She was my best friend. We understood each other like nobody else. But everybody around me thought I was just, oh, this cute little kid with an imaginary friend. She wasn¡¯t real. A whole person was just my delusion. How she looked, sounded, felt, and even smelled. Eventually they figured it out, and they started treating my psychosis. I felt like they¡­ took her away. I went a little feral. Maybe I didn¡¯t see the point in having friends if they weren¡¯t like her. I¡¯m still trying to make up for lost socialization. To figure out friends again.¡± ¡°Goddd.¡± ¡°Yeah. And then earlier today, I failed my exam because I couldn¡¯t get into the examination room. I walked up to it, then just stood like two meters from the door, like an idiot. And I couldn¡¯t go in because, because¡­ I like¡­ it was like I stopped having legs. I saw there were these things between me and my feet. But I had no idea what they were. I had no way to tell them what to do. I only remembered how to move right before the exam finished. Then I ran away. So maybe my crazy is coming back? I don¡¯t even know if that is how my delusions work, but I don¡¯t know how else to explain what happened.¡± ¡°So it¡¯s not something that happens to you all the time?¡± asked Jennifer. ¡°No. That¡¯s part of what makes my diagnosis weird and undefined. It¡¯s almost like I got most of my delusions out of the way as a kid. But every now and then a little delusion will pop up and say ¡®boo! Don¡¯t forget about me! You¡¯re still crazy. I can still ruin you!¡± ¡°Oof,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°I don¡¯t know if this helps, but your exam experience doesn¡¯t have to be a delusion. Like, that sounds like it could be executive dysfunction, or a psychosomatic reaction. ¡°What?¡± said Simkha. ¡°What?¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Those are some, like, similar presentations we learned about in class,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. Simkha sighed. An introspective, gentle quiet settled over the group. Sound muffled by the flat¡¯s walls, a train clanked along the track. Simkha finished her tea. ¡°Simothy,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. She smiled. ¡°I still think we should be friends. But I¡¯m not sure how to be supportive right now. Can I give you a hug?¡± ¡°I¡¯m pretty gross. I¡¯m like, fully sticky with sweat.¡± ¡°I¡¯m wearing my football kit. Sweat is fine.¡± Simkha gulped, then nodded. Good-Arms Jock stood and came over. She leaned over to wrap still-seated Simkha in her still-very-good arms. Simkha closed her eyes and leaned in. She heard two more people stand up and walk over. Two more sets of warm arms wrapped her, and she melted into the feeling. After a while, they let her go. ¡°I think what I need,¡± said Simkha, ¡°is some time to sit and be alone and process everything. I need to convince myself that any of this is real, and you¡¯re not more imaginary friends. And I need you all to actually ask yourselves if I¡¯m worth dealing with. If it¡¯s worth being friends with me.¡± ¡°Not changing our minds,¡± interjected Leg Day. ¡°Still,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I need you to actually think about it. I just need it. And then I think I should get some sleep. I¡¯m really tired.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°But if we all agree with Legs over there and still want to be friends, will you promise to try to accept our choice?¡± ¡°I¡­ I¡¯ll try. It will take some time. You guys just seem so¡­ out of nowhere.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Well, I can explain that. Like, I actually had like, a whole plan to befriend you. Your fall was¡­ kinda¡­. good luck? For me? But I don¡¯t really want to explain the ¡®why¡¯ behind my plan. I promise it¡¯s nothing bad. Just embarrassing. For me. Can I tell you some other time?¡± ¡°What,¡± said Simkha. ¡°What?¡± demanded Good-Arms Jock. Told you mouthed Jennifer. ¡°No, Simkha¡¯s right,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Arms is a fucking weirdo.¡± ¡°Shut up, you love me.¡± ¡°We¡¯ll see.¡± Simkha realized she was tearing up again, but she was smiling too. ¡°Well, have a good night. If you still want to hang out in the morning, maybe we can meet at the caf¨¦?¡± ¡°Definitely,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°We¡¯re probably going out dancing tonight, so we¡¯ll need hangover food. Let¡¯s say we meet there around 11 tomorrow?¡± Simkha nodded her head yes. ¡°I¡¯ll be there.¡± 1.3 – Simkhas Worse Night
SMS Sapphic Sensei (aka Mika IntroArchaeoTA) [Load 5,832 previous messages?] Today 8:56 PM best news: i went on a run tonight & bit it so fucking hard ?????? like, absolutely ate surface i tripped at the old track, by that pitch where the girls¡¯ footie squads all practice & these three well-fit footie jocks patched me up then walked me home ?????? obv we talked & i think we made that kind of connection you told me about like, we Proper Talked? so i think i made new friends? ???? plus you¡¯re going to love this: one of them was that girl i always notice at the jericho the one with really good arms ?????? then¡­ while i was super out of it after my fall¡­ i called her ¡°good arms jock¡± like, directly to her face that was basically how i introduced myself ?????? ???¡â????¡â????¡â? obviously she loved it Today 9:21 PM Haha ?????????????????? BEYBE Sksjfhjskj Babygir Babygirll I showed this to Hrefna & now she¡¯s dead too & now she wants me to start calling her ¡°Nice Tits Nerd¡± So I¡¯m blaming you in 5 minutes When she refuses to give up on this and I have to break up with her.
Simkha smiled at her phone. She couldn¡¯t describe Mika¡¯s message as the explicit positive feedback that Simkha had hoped for. But at the same time, Simkha couldn¡¯t expect explicit feedback. Because she¡¯d never asked for explicit feedback. Simkha had never even admitted that Mika was her de-facto socialization mentor. But Simkha supposed that Mika might have assumed the truth. Simkha didn¡¯t have any other definitely-friends at First Oxford, and Mika must have known it. Regardless, Simkha felt like Mika¡¯s message had conveyed a generally positive tone. Simkha was willing to count that as implicit positive feedback. After Simkha sent her original texts, she¡¯d put her phone down and forcibly distracted herself. She wanted to avoid obsessing over every little faux-pas she¡¯d made talking with her new jock friends today. Simkha let herself play the newest EP by Nxdia on a loop. She tricked herself into believing she couldn¡¯t check her messages until she¡¯d separated and stored the clean and dirty clothes strewn about her bedroom. As such, Simkha was too distracted to convince herself she was a burden on her new jock friends while she waited for Mika¡¯s response. And while Simkha didn¡¯t exactly feel socially reassured by Mika¡¯s response, Simkha did enjoy the window onto the banter between Mika and her girlfriend. Simkha could imagine the back-and forth while the couple got dressed up for drinks and dancing. Simkha blushed to recall the way Hrefna¡¯s sultry outfits typically clashed with underclothes. Simkha internally blamed Mika for sharing that Nice Tits Nerd line. Simkha told herself that she should not allow that particular image to insert itself into her continuous mental slide-show. But in the moment it took Simkha to decide as much, her imagination had already projected a high definition image of Hrefna¡ªpeeling herself out of a dress¡ªon the inside of her occipital lobe. Oh boi. Simkha wanted a relationship like Mika had with Hrefna. Simkha groaned and buried her face in the nest of pillows on her small double bed. She had re-named Mika ¡°Sapphic Sensei¡± in her contacts two months ago during a fit of confidence. But Simkha had never actually asked her more worldly friend for dating advice. And any time Mika asked Simkha about crushes, sex, or love, Simkha¡¯s overwhelming anxiety compelled Simkha to change the subject. Of course, the one topic Mika had agreed to tutor Simkha on was Diplomatic Historiography. The topic that Simkha had failed the exam for earlier today. The exam that Simkha couldn¡¯t even make herself take because of her stupid, broken brain. Simkha regretted asking Mika for the tutoring help. Sure, Simkha had learned a lot from revising with Mika and Mika¡¯s notes from last year. But Simkha felt so much more shame about failing the exam because she had received Mika¡¯s help. G*d! Simkha had used Mika, and Mika had been so lovely. And Simkha had thrown that hard work in Mika¡¯s face. Simkha felt that the only decent thing to do was confess everything. She knew Mika would be disappointed in her. She knew Mika ought to give up on being friends with her because she was such a useless sad-sack. But Simkha also knew Mika deserved better than being deceived. Simkha had no idea how to explain what happened. She was at serious risk of anxiety-ghosting her only friend on campus if she didn¡¯t think of something soo¡ª
SMS Sapphic Sensei (aka Mika IntroArchaeoTA) Today 9:49 PM Sooo how¡¯d the exam go ? Today 9:53 PM Beyb? Today 9:57 PM I can see you typing/deleting on here Oh no, did the exam go wrong? It¡¯s okay if it did You¡¯re still brilliant ?????? I know how down you must feel if it went poorly I SAW how hard you revised ???? If you¡¯re not ready to talk about it that¡¯s okaytoo Or maybe you did great? And you¡¯re just waiting for me to stop typing for 5 seconds? Today 9:59 PM no youre right i fucked it up i Today 10:03 PM i fucked up so bad i don¡¯t even know how to explain how bad it went i invented a whole new way to fuck up after you helped me with all that revision too im so sorry you were so lovely and supportive a good friend would have just ugh Today 10:08 PM Beyb Beyyyyb It¡¯s okay You don¡¯t haveto apologize to me We¡¯re all about you tonight Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel. Today 10:19 PM nut you did so much *but you did so much & you were so good no reasonable person could have sabotaged all that work but iiiii did Today 10:26 PM Stop Beyb. Shut the fuckup Beybee. It¡¯ll be allright Don¡¯t appologize to me *Apollogize *Apologise *Appletini You get to feel sad for you Idk what happened, but I know You¡¯re still a brilliant youngwoman You just had badluck Your brilliant and sexy I know yuo So I know you tied your best Today 10:39 PM idk i did real bad Today 10:53 PM You don¡¯t owe me anythinganyway I it was fun helping you revise Fuck the outcom Your a cute little nerd and my FRIEND I had funnn Today 11:17 PM ?????? lmao, you drunkie why are you perfect i should stop distracting you while youre out go be a ladykiller & dance with your hot gf Today 11:17 PM HAHAHAHA ¡°Perfect¡± ?????????????? Beyb I¡¯ve failed fully 3modules in our course That¡¯s 2more than you Even if you turnout to fail todays¡¯ exam I¡¯ll tell hyou Hw?t. Howabout a sad movienight? Tomorrow! We could do that ¡®00s Hamlet film you like With the people in hotpants doing Original Pronunciation Today 11:25 PM u r not helpin ur case for not being the perfect friend & i definitely failed the exam & i love you ?????? but i think i just need a shower & to turn in early tonight that okay? Today 11:41 PM OK But don¡¯t you DARE go fullhermit about this You are REQUIRED to see me at the weekend Because your my PERFECT babynerd Because we are FRIENDS &&& You should see your hot new footie friends too ???????? ???????? ??????? Today 11:50 PM haha well i can try Today 11:52 PM BTW Hrefna says soz abt the exam & XOXO & ?????????????? She wants to know if she should ¡°will [me] to [you]¡± in the breakup I told her that¡¯s not how it works Now she¡¯s threatening to leave me again if I don¡¯t go dance withher Today 11:57 PM lmao go dance Today 11:59 PM Gn gn ??
Simkha let her body groan as she tossed her phone onto her bed. She hooked fingers into cloth to peel off her disgusting, soggy running clothes, then precariously balanced them atop the dirty laundry rising out of her hamper. Simkha felt bad. She didn¡¯t want to deal with being herself right now. Luckily, she found dissociation easy here at home, free from the stress of having other people around. Simkha released most of her consciousness to roam the void. But she kept just a corner of her brain in the real world so it could march her body to her shower and turn on the hot water. The majority of Simkha¡¯s attention went where it always went: disliking herself. Simkha had enjoyed her little glance into Mika and Hrefna¡¯s relationship, but she also felt a quiet despair. She knew she¡¯d never be as attractive a prospect as either of them. Simkha doubted whether any woman would put up with her inability to function in even vaguely date-like circumstances. Simkha well and truly didn¡¯t know how to talk to girls. She had arrived in the queerest town in the Charlemagne League, eager for Uni and chock-full of queer aspirations. She¡¯d found her way to her first lesbian bar. She¡¯d been approached by a very cute girl who asked her name¡­ and she couldn¡¯t remember it. She''d quickly ran back home to her flat. Simkha despaired for her hopes of expanding her friend circle. After all, she had tried to send Mika a funny story about being a clutz and meeting cool new friends. But almost right away, Simkha had ruined the mood with her sadgirl doom-and-gloom. Then she foolishly refused to lighten up. Simkha was not a fun friend to be around. She was especially un-fun in comparison to somebody like Mika, who was so lovely and supportive. Simkha was certain her new jock friends would figure that out by the time she had a chance to see them again. Hmm. Simkha wondered how someone as competent as Mika would fare in her circumstances if Simkha weren¡¯t running the show. What would Mika have done if she had ended up stuck outside the exam room, unable to walk inside and take the test? Mika would have¡­ she would have remembered her cell phone, called the professor, and explained the situation. Mika might or might not have solved the issue that way, but Mika definitely would have identified the problem and sought a solution to it. Simkha felt so stupid for standing outside the room for an hour, hoping that just trying harder would make her brain and legs start working again. When the shower was warm enough, Simkha told her body to get in. She proceeded in a mode of detached, self-critical despair rather than paying attention to the warm, relaxing jet of water. Simkha might as well have been viewing a particularly boring documentary about the shower habits of some girl she disliked. She wondered why this girl started cleaning herself in the weird order that she did. She felt exasperated that this girl had never developed a reasonable skincare routine. She scoffed at this girl¡¯s laziness. But eventually, Simkha noticed how relaxed the girl in the shower looked. She thought the shower girl must feel great under that warm, inviting water. She eventually remembered that she was the girl in the shower, and she was in charge of her own shower habits. Simkha closed her eyes and tried to fight the dissociation. She tried to ground herself using a sensory inventory. The sounds of drumming water. Hissing Pipes. Windows creaking in the wind. The tub, slightly warping when she¡ªno, when I¡ªrock back and forth. The texture of the water jet, pelting tight back muscles. Mist, billowing up onto legs. Rivulets running down thighs. Conditioner, slick and seeping down a taut neck. Simkha couldn¡¯t make the inventory work. She could tell that all those phenomena were happening, but she couldn¡¯t actually connect to her senses and feel them. She could feel the edges of sensation. She could tell there was something just out of reach. Oh. Oh no. Was this the same thing that happened earlier today? Simkha had been stuck, unable to move outside her exam room for an hour. How long would she be stuck here? Was this disconnection itself a hallucination? Was her helplessness nothing more than a delusion? No. Simkha did not need this. Simkha rallied. She reached out with her sense of self and latched on to every quantum of sensation she could find. She pulled them all to herself and tried to force them onto her body. She would wriggle her way into the metaphysical tight pants of mental health. Simkha had almost fully pulled herself out of her dissociative state and into her body when she collided with something and bounced off. Simkha literally bounced off. Bounced off of something warm and soft and slippery. And now she was literally falling¡ªfalling in her combo shower-tub, falling out of her combo shower-tub, crashing through her shower curtain onto her bathroom floor. Simkha landed in a hard, cold, wet splat that hammered her bones and stung her bruises. She heard the curtain-rod fall and felt it bounce off her head, pulling the curtain over her face. She felt the shower spray mist out across the room, still warm as it landed on her legs. ¡°Fuuuck,¡± Simkha groaned to herself. What had Simkha collided with? She only wondered about that for a moment. Because almost immediately, a wet warm body collided with Simkha along her entire length. Simkha shrieked bloody murder. The body squashed her into the floor then schlooped her out to the side. The more Simkha wriggled away, the more the body followed her. It squished her away further and further into the tangled shower curtain and across the wet floor. From somewhere, a klaxon began to wail, joining Simkha¡¯s screams. The klaxon shook Simkha¡¯s bones. An incomprehensible announcement played over it: ¡°?OU ?EI S''HNIEY HLEIMD HRRIEG. S''HNIEY LOU TSOULD ?EI HNUO. HNA ?EI BZIELG GZ?AA?.¡± Simkha twisted around and saw her assailant. She saw herself. She was being followed, assaulted, and squashed by her own self from just a moment in the past, also shrieking in terror, also trying to move into the area she now occupied. Simkha¡¯s mind considered this observation, and rejected it. That¡¯s odd, thought Simkha, I¡¯ve never rejected a delusion before. While Simkha unwillingly wrestled her past self and struggled to process her situation, her bathroom door swung open. From the corner of her eye, Simkha sensed a woman stride in, make an impossible turn, reach into the past, and open the door a few moments earlier. Oh. Simkha couldn¡¯t handle this. She rejected this delusion too. But the delusion refused to go away. Simkha felt a tremendous internal distance stretch out between herself and the impossible scene. She dissociated. ¡°Hello.¡± Simkha spoke with a flat affect. ¡°If you are real, would you please call emergency services for me? I¡¯m having a psychotic episode. I just hallucinated you breaking into my flat with time-travel. Which means this room probably isn¡¯t my flat, so sorry about being naked¡­ wherever I am. I have no fucking clue what¡¯s happening.¡± Past Simkha landed on present Simkha, sending her sprawling across the floor again. Simkha sensed the new woman kneel down, murmuring gently in a foreign language. Then Simkha sensed heavy metal bands slipped around her own wrists and ankles. Detached from what was happening to her, Simkha thought about what the fuck was going on. She was definitely hallucinating. Perhaps these heavy metal bands were handcuffs, placed on her by EPOs who found her wandering naked around town. Perhaps the bands were some other kind of restraint, and she was about to be abducted and murdered. But EPOs were well-trained, so she would hardly make her situation worse by struggling and screaming bloody murder. Simkha yanked away with her arms and legs and drew in a deep breath. ¡°H-huh?¡± Simkha stuttered. ¡°W-what the fuck?¡± The bands did not restrain Simkha at all. They were more-or-less just heavy bracelets. Then a necklace on a wire dropped around her throat. Ahhh, that makes sense. I¡¯m about to be strangled. That¡¯s unfortunate. I should have screamed when I had the chance. But the strange woman dropped the necklace, letting it fall loose. She stepped away from Simkha, then turned and stepped out of the bathroom. The woman faced away and pulled down one sleeve of her chunky sweater. She wore a metal band around her wrist, identical to the bands she had slipped onto Simkha. She held the band up to her mouth like an old Dick-Tracy watch and jabbered in the same bizarre language that accompanied the klaxon. ¡°T?eirrd! T?eirrd uozd! D?aawnb ?ei za! Hla ?ei smlei?!¡± The announcement changed its call: ¡°?WOUM ?EI HNUO. TSNYOURR ?EI GVRRA?.¡± Simkha made her body stand up. She felt numb. She didn¡¯t know what she was seeing, except that it had to be part of a delusion. She sensed her body stumble, so she braced it against her past self. She watched her past self shove her present self forward. Then the metal bands and necklace on Simkha locked in place. They locked in place with respect to the room, holding absolutely still in midair. With that, Simkha no longer felt detached from her body. She felt her past self push and then crush her into the frozen bonds. She panicked. Simkha screamed. Simkha felt a snap as her past self pushed through some physical limit, then visceral flesh and bones entered her body all over. She felt them slip and slither through her, forcing two copies of her body into a single body¡¯s space. Disgust mounted, until at last everything seemed to snap into place. Oh thank G*d. That feeling was gone. Just one Simkha stood in her bathroom, naked, nauseated, and leaning exhausted against the metal bands and necklace that had held her in place. ¡°Fuuu-uuuck!¡± gasped Simkha. The metal bands unlocked in space. Simkha collapsed on the floor. ¡°Fuck,¡± she whimpered. ¡°Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.¡± Water from the shower jet still misted across the bathroom. It hadn¡¯t even gone cold yet. It coated most of the room. Simkha quivered and quaked and let herself cry. After a few moments, Simkha sensed the strange woman pass by. Simkha heard the water jet from the shower cut off. She felt a big, fluffy, towel draped over her body. Simkha turned her head to look at the stranger. The woman knelt next to Simkha. She was short and lithe. She wore a tan cable-knit sweater. Her hair was a familiar tone of red. She gently put a hand on Simkha¡¯s back and began to rub small, comforting circles. She spoke in a foreign language. ¡°Cheers aat. Thours aat pourft. Gwaar ous tou. Griinz ee tou. Uun cherff. Gwaayt ous dees ous tou.¡± Simkha whimpered and tried not to think. She blinked up at the strange woman who was comforting her. After a moment, Simkha¡¯s eyes widened and she started giggling. Giggling turned to laughing. ¡°G*d,¡± Simkha sniffled. ¡°This hallucination has been a fucking rollercoaster ride. A minute ago, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Now, you¡¯re back. I missed you. I¡¯m glad you¡¯re back. Especially since I¡¯m about to lose all my real friends.¡± ¡°Parl rouys meez rouys lee laang Ses¡äsonzz, nou?¡± ¡°I have no idea what you¡¯re saying.¡± The woman smiled at Simkha as though she were looking at something precious. ¡°Sluu.¡± ¡°Yeah. Hi.¡± 1.4 – Talitha Tali held Simkha, who whimpered and blinked up at her. ??Oh, my dear,?? murmured Tali. ??Oh, my poor darling. You are protected. You are safe. Oh merde¡­ but¡­ you are secure now.?? Simkha widened her eyes, prompting Tali to narrow her own. Did¡­ did Tali say something incorrectly? Simkha started giggling, then laughing. Tali found this irritating. Tali had put in respectable work to improve her Saxonnaise language fluency. She wasn¡¯t even sure what error she had made ??G*d,?? Simkha said. ??Hellus?naasyes ?roer?ch p?nne . In m?nut lyn te m?nste m?nut fen myn l?bben bw?e. No, to bwerom p?st. Tet goed ?s. Gyo bwerom. Bwent el myn echte freonen s?lle my geu ferdl?tte.?? Ah. ??You no longer speak the Saxonnaise tongue¡­ do you??? asked Tali, in Saxonnaise. ??Ig tyn spreeg net pegryp,?? said Simkha in not-Saxonnaise. A goat! Tali had thought Simkha¡¯s little entropy anomaly would protect her first language. She had no idea why it didn¡¯t. She supposed that¡¯s what eight years of full-timeline entropy got you. ??Hello,?? sighed Tali. ??Gye. Ho?.?? Tali found this irritating. She didn¡¯t like to be wrong, which is why she usually avoided being wrong. Tali received a ping for an audio call. She dismissed the ¡°Audio Incoming¡± notification in the corner of her SIGN display. She heard her sister Hannah talking in their native High Tongue, transmitting directly into Tali¡¯s inner ear. ??Diver Prime, this is Dive Control. Prepare to collect the Anomaly¡¯s SIGN frame and return to the splashdown site. Elkano says they¡¯re finishing the dimensional sync now.?? ??Message received, Dive Control. I¡¯ll return soon, I¡¯m just going to stay here a few minutes longer. She¡¯s having a really hard time and I want to help her calm down.?? Hannah sighed on the audio feed. Tali huffed. ??Look, Diver Prime. Elkano just confirmed that the Hologram¡¯s timeline sync is complete. The Anomaly will be safe without a SIGN frame now. Just ask for the frame back. Head back to the splashdown site so we can extract you.? ??It¡¯s not that easy, Dive Control. I can¡¯t talk to her. We were wrong about her entropy anomaly. It didn¡¯t stop her first language from changing.?? ??I heard you two talking already, Diver.?? ??Sure, Hann¡ªer¡ªDive Control. Past each other. In two different languages.?? ??It all sounded the same to me. Even if it didn¡¯t, I know you can get that frame back from her, Tal. So get it, and head back to the splashdown site. You don¡¯t want to be acting the goat when Elkano comes down to Dive Control from the Big Bagel. She will bench your ass for future dives.?? ??So just tell me if you see her coming. We have hours before my calibration turns into a safety concern. I¡¯ll head back in a minute. She just needs a little more help right now.?? ??Talitha¡­?? Hannah warned. Tali ignored her sister¡¯s entreaty. Tali thought Simkha had a little more light in her eyes now. Tali gave her best encouraging smile, placed an arm around Simkha, and slowly helped her stand. She kept one hand on Simkha¡¯s back to stop the towel from falling. She held out the long end of the towel for Simkha to wrap herself with. She looked away and tried not to blush. Tali looked back when Simkha was firmly on her feet and covered up. Getting a better look, Tali realized just how tall and muscular Simkha really was. Tali could just as easily imagine her scaring off a mugger as fetching Tali¡¯s mixer blades from the top cupboard. She let Simkha take her arm. ??Let¡¯s go now¡­ nice and slow,?? said Tali in Saxonnaise. ??Ty noch net pegryp,?? responded Simkha. ??Come on, Talitha,?? said Hannah. ??I know you want to help the Anomaly, but remember what we talked about before. You agreed that she would probably get hurt if you interacted with her. She has struggled a lot in the last eight years. Don¡¯t make it worse now.?? Talitha couldn¡¯t precisely disagree, but she didn¡¯t stop helping Simkha limp into the hallway. ??Tali¡­?? said Hannah, ??Please don¡¯t do anything to hurt your career. I know you care about the Anomaly but¡ª.?? ??Don¡¯t call her that!?? Tali interrupted. ??She¡¯s a person! Not a malfunction. She has a name.?? Hannah groaned. ??I know she has a name. It¡¯s Simkha, right? Well, Simkha is a person. And that¡¯s exactly why you need to go now. She is already struggling with very real issues, and she shouldn¡¯t have her whole understanding of the universe ripped out from under her while she¡¯s dealing with them. You¡¯ve caused her too many problems already.?? Too many problems. Tali always caused too many problems. ??A goat to you! What the goat is wrong with you, Hanners??? Hannah whined. ??Sorry! Sorry. You¡¯re right, that was too far. But it was also your own stupid words from when we talked about this last time. Remember? You had a full night¡¯s sleep, and you talked to Elkano. And you fully agreed you should minimize contact with her. So who do you trust more, yourself right now¡ªthe woman in a stressful situation after a long, long day of dive prep? Or yourself last week, with a clear head after calm consideration??? ??¡­?? Tali was upset and frustrated, and she realized that was not the best frame of mind for decision making. But she still hated whenever her sister did this. Hannah always won, one way or the other. She would talk Tali around to her way of thinking every time. And Tali would end up doing what Hannah wanted, even though Tali knew she was being manipulated, that she would regret giving in. Simkha smiled at Tali and turned to face her. Simkha was standing awfully close. She pulled off one of her borrowed SIGN frame bracelets, and then the other. She handed them to Tali. Tali looked away as Simkha lifted her feet and pulled off her SIGN frame anklets. Tali accepted them and put them in her dive pouch. Then she accepted the SIGN frame necklace. She put that away too and sealed off the pouch. Tali was almost mad. She was so sure Simkha needed more support. But here was Simkha, just handing over the frame like Hannah wanted. Tali didn¡¯t even need to ask Simkha. Tali didn¡¯t like to be wrong. Next thing, she¡¯d probably just go off to bed and say good night. Simkha leaned down and hugged Tali tightly. Simkha sure knew how to be surprising. She spoke in soft tones into Tali¡¯s ear. ??Teng. Myn pre?n ty megge het. Mer ?g ?t s?zze moat. Py my pl?uw. Ig klean oan s?l. Hy?r es ?g klear p?n bwes. Esyebleaft.?? Tali shivered. She felt something like too welcome listening to Simkha¡¯s voice. Tali watched Simkha give a slightly-exhausted little smile, turn, and limp into her bedroom. She supposed it was for the best that she had no idea what Simkha just said. A goat. ??Sis? I¡¯m sorry I overheard¡­ whatever that was. But I think you might be ready to admit that you want to stay for a reason other than altruism, right??? ??Yeah,?? agreed Tali. ??You should go now, while you¡¯re able to. You should go before she finds out about what happened eight years ago.?? Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation. ??I¡­ yeah. I shouldn¡¯t lie to her. And she won¡¯t want me here if she finds out what I did to her. She deserves to be happy.?? ??We can talk about that later. You need to get moving now. I can hear Elkano talking to someone just outside Dive Control.?? Tali made herself move one foot. Then the other. She made herself walk out of Simkha¡¯s front door. She made herself walk down the stairs. When she reached the street, she made herself start to jog back to the splashdown site. After a minute, more audio came through. ??Diver Prime, this is Doctor Maitena Elkano, just arrived at Dive Control. The sync was a full success. We are operating on parallel timelines. We even turned off the time buffer to talk to you. You¡¯re listening to audio raw and unshifted. Please confirm receipt.?? ??Confirmed, Professor Elkano.?? ??Glad to hear it Diver Prime. You should feel proud of what you did today. We repaired the timelines even more fully than we hoped. We¡¯re going to completely revolutionize Hologram Studies. All that¡¯s left is to get you back home. How far are you from the splashdown site??? ??Just arrived here, Professor.?? ??¡­?? ??¡­?? ??Diver Prime, please confirm your location.?? Tali looked around. She was here. The splashdown site. Some middle-class family¡¯s front garden. Hmm. She shivered for a moment. Only because it was chilly out. ??Uh, yeah. Okay. I¡¯m at the splashdown site. Dive Control should be able to ping my SIGN frame.?? ??Diver Prime, this is Dive Control. You can¡¯t be at the splashdown site. The Bagel¡¯s pinging your frame and getting nothing. It would be able to ping you if you were anywhere within three kilometers of the splashdown site.?? ??¡­?? ??¡­?? ??I¡¯m at splashdown, Hannah.?? ??No, you goat. You¡¯re not. You must have gotten lost.?? ??I am not lost.?? ??Diver Prime, this is Elkano. How do you know you are at the splashdown site??? ??Uh. Well, professor. I¡¯ve got at least three ways I know. First, my SIGN sensors mapped out eleven kilometers in every direction from splashdown and the map says I¡¯m at splashdown.?? ??Understood.?? ??Second, it looks like splashdown. I confirmed it is identical with the site images I recorded upon initial splashdown.?? ??Continue.?? ??And third, I landed in thick mud during initial splashdown. I left deep footprints with a tread pattern that is literally unique in this universe. And I¡¯m standing in those footprints again.?? ??Understood, Diver Prime. I think we can agree that you are at splashdown. There must be another reason we can¡¯t ping you. Stay where you are while I go see if there¡¯s a problem with the Bagel.?? Tali stood and waited. She started to shiver. She worried about Hannah. Tali knew her sister wasn¡¯t exactly panicky, but Hannah worried more than was healthy. After about five more minutes, Professor Elkano returned and instructed Tali to stand back from the splashdown site. ??Did you sort out the problem, professor??? ??We likely have. We think we changed the spatial arrangement of the Hologram within our cosmos when we synchronized the timelines. That stopped the Bagel from creating a physical link into three dimensional space. It was unexpected, but we think we¡¯ve compensated for it. We¡¯re just going to test it now.?? ??Oh. How are you testing it??? ??We¡¯re going to throw you something through the Bagel. Kaiti is wrapping up an actual bagel for you. We¡¯re going to double bag it and huck it your way. Let me know when you see it.?? Tali waited. ??¡­?? ??Talitha, Elkano here. You haven¡¯t seen anything strange, have you??? ??Just a strange lack of a bagel, prof.?? ??¡­?? ??Professor.?? ??Talitha??? ??The Bagel¡¯s broken, isn¡¯t it.?? ??¡­?? ??¡­?? ??No. And that¡¯s the problem. If the Bagel was broken, I would have fixed it by now.?? ??Professor.?? ??Tali, the Bagel is working just like it always has. I believe we¡­ I think we broke¡­ physics.?? ??¡­?? ??¡­?? ??You can¡¯t Bagel me home¡­ because you broke physics.?? ??Well. I suppose. Yes, Tali.?? ??¡­?? ??Tali, I want to remind you to be proud of what you did today. It¡¯s all of our jobs together to discover new mysteries about the universe. To discover impossible problems. Breaking physics is one of the most exciting things a scientist could do. You were instrumental in that accomplishment. So, if you can, I want you to focus on feeling proud, right now.?? ??¡­?? ??¡­?? ??Professor, am I gonna die here??? ??What? No! A goat! No, Tali.?? ??Oh good. You sounded a little too inspirational for a second there.?? ??No no no. I was trying to distract you so you didn¡¯t panic while we sort this out. I see your point. I can only apolog¡ª?? ??A GOAT, TAL!?? interjected Hannah. ??YOU CAN¡¯T JUST SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT! Tal! Sis! You!¡­ you¡¯re not allowed to die in there. Okay??? ??Aah! Sorry! Sorry, Hanners.?? Hannah began to audibly hold back tears. Professor Elkano centered herself, then resumed her explanation. ??Talitha, you ought to be fine. We¡¯ve done extensive studies, and human beings can live in just three spatial dimensions without any negative health impacts. And if you get homesick, you can still find somewhere to stretch your arms out to their full hleimth. Just find a place with a lot of damage from timeline-entropy. You¡¯ll find plenty of pockets of four-dimensional space there.?? ??That¡¯s¡­ a relief,?? said Tali. ??How long do you estimate you will take to get me home??? ??That¡¯s¡­ a harder question, Tali. I don¡¯t know. We need to figure out where our physics is broken before we can attempt it. I¡¯ll try to get you an estimate by tomorrow.?? Tali rubbed her hands together. At least she wasn¡¯t sweating or shaking any more. Still too chilly, though. And Tali felt¡­ almost excited? ??As I see it,?? said Elkano, ?? you have two more immediate problems. First, your SIGN link calibration is decaying at the standard rate for any network operating between different dimensions. If your calibration gets too low, then we¡¯ll never be able to ping you with the Bagel. Your calibration could degrade that badly in as few as six hours. If we can¡¯t ping you, then we can¡¯t Bagel you home. Plus we wouldn¡¯t be able to talk either.?? ??So. We need a way to preserve my SIGN link calibration?.?? ??Yes, but I have a plan for that.?? ??Glad to hear it Prof. But I want to know something first. What other problem do I have that¡¯s equivalent to getting stranded in the Hologram??? ??That should be obvious, ?? said Elkano ??You¡¯ve been up and busy all day. You must be tired. You need sleep. You can¡¯t sleep in your dorm room while you¡¯re in the Hologram.?? Tali snorted. Everyone on the audio line let out a few anxiety chuckles. Hannah spoke up. ??All right then professor. You got a plan to solve Tali¡¯s second problem as well??? ??Well¡­?? said Elkano, ??I suppose I do. It¡¯s the same plan to solve both problems, actually.?? ??The same plan??? asked Tali. ??Oh¡­ no,?? said Hannah. ??Think about it,?? said Elkano. ??First, you need to know that SIGN frames are incredible pieces of technology, but they have an incredibly stupid design. Specifically, they can store precisely one calibration indefinitely with zero decay. But because of dimensional constraints, they can only store that calibration by switching to a different active SIGN network, with a different calibration. If you had an alternate active SIGN network to switch over to, then you could swap to it now to store this calibration. This calibration would not decay until you switched back. So by judicious switching, we could mete out your 6 hours of use remaining before calibration-decay becomes dangerous.?? ??Oh no,?? said Hannah. ??There is no alternate SIGN network active in the Hologram,?? said Tali. ??True,?? said Elkano. ??And it¡¯s impossible to set up a SIGN network between different dimensions. So then Talitha. Do you see my solution??? ??I suppose¡­ I could¡­ try to set up a new SIGN network¡­ that¡¯s only in the Hologram.?? ??Just so,?? agreed Elkano. ??You should set up the other SIGN frame you have with you, then network with the person wearing the other frame. You¡¯ll automatically store the calibration that you¡¯ll need later to get Bageled home. You should mostly stay on your 2-person network within the Hologram, but you''ll periodically check in and we¡¯ll keep you up to date on the situation here. And send you any data dumps you might need. And you can send us messages.?? ??Oh no,?? said Hannah. ??Then¡­ I need to find someone here¡­ who I can convince to wear the other SIGN frame. And then make them network with me??? ??Just so,?? agreed Elkano. ??I think it¡¯s silly that the SIGN frames won¡¯t let you just wear two of them and network with yourself. Bad design, like I said.?? ??Ughhh,?? moaned Hannah. ??Hannah??? said Tali. ??Your sister is glaring daggers at me,?? said Professor Elkano. ??And I suppose she¡¯s right.?? ??Right how??? asked Tali. ??I must take back my advice about keeping your distance from that girl.?? ??Er,?? said, Tali. ??You¡­ you think I should ask¡­ Simkha¡­ for help??? ??Frankly, I don¡¯t know who else you could ask. I suspect language in the Hologram has evolved beyond anything you can speak. But, I think the Anomaly would let you set up your network even if you have to ask her by miming the question. I bet she¡¯ll even let you sleep on a futon, or couch.?? Tali had to clear her throat. She was glad there was no video feed to show how red her face was. ??Erm¡­ er¡­ yeah. I¡­ will go find Simkha. Okay.?? ??Tali¡­?? said Hannah. ??Please¡­ just try to keep your emotional distance? All the risks we talked about before are still valid. The only thing that¡¯s changed is that we need her help.?? ??As Dive Lead,?? said Elkano, ??I must agree with your sister. Keep your distance, as far as you can. It¡¯s a matter of keeping you safe. Remember, we¡¯ll need her to stay on your network at all times in order to preserve our stored calibration.?? ??Sure thing,?? agreed Tali. ??Distance is easy. No problem.?? ??Glad to hear it,?? said Elkano. ??Start heading back to her flat then. We should discuss logistics while you walk. I want us to do our first check-in, say, 24 hours after you set up your new SIGN network. We¡¯ll need the interim time to talk to the university, then evaluate how¡­?? Tali could do this. She knew she could. She just couldn¡¯t get too close to Simkha. 1.5 – Sim HUD Tali considered whether she should knock again. Was Simkha leaving her in the stairwell on purpose? Tali had announced ??it¡¯s Talitha?? when she knocked. She stood just behind the light fixture so Simkha would see her clearly through the peephole. She waited for about ten seconds. She hoped Simkha was still awake. She considered un-muting her audio line in order to ask her sister¡¯s opinion. Tali raised her hand to knock again when the door rattled from the inside. But the door didn''t open. Hmm. What did that mean? What was Simkha doing? Simkha could have rattled the door¡­ but then why not respond to Tali? Simkha could have somebody else over, and that guest rattled the door. Maybe Simkha had called a friend over for emotional support. But that would mean Simkha felt sad. She might be sad because Tali ran off after Simkha¡¯s breakdown. Simkha should be getting emotional support. Hopefully Simkha didn¡¯t have a booty call over. Because that could interfere with Tali¡¯s plan to ask for help. The door clattered again. This time the latch caught, and the door was flung open from the inside. Simkha had opened the door. Clumsily, with her foot, while she lay on her back in the middle of her little hallway. And wow, Simkha was flexible. Her legs had an impressive reach. She wore baggy gray sweatpants under a worn purple-and-black Whiteaxe Cider hoodie. She didn¡¯t look like she was lying down because she was hurt. She looked like she just preferred to remain horizontal. Aww. She was still Tali¡¯s weirdo. Simkha half-rolled and half flopped away from the door. Simkha had always had such an expressive face, even when they were children. She used to look like this when she pretended to follow grown-up instructions, but really planned to cause chaos the instant she had the chance. She gestured at Tali with her chin as if to say ??don¡¯t just stand out there, I made room for you to come inside.?? Tali entered the flat. She closed the door behind her. Simkha watched Tali from the floor. Hmmm. Not only did Simkha intend to stay down there, she seemed unwilling to say or do anything. Her gaze was greedy¡ªmaking Tali feel put-on-the-spot in the most anxious way. Simkha was just going to lurk, wait for Tali to do something interesting, and then squirrel away the experience to pick apart in her own mind later. Simkha was¡­ being completely reasonable. After all, she wasn¡¯t the one who had showed up at Tali¡¯s door at 1.11 am. Tali smiled at Simkha. She didn¡¯t speak Simkha¡¯s native language any more, but she was sure she could recall how Simkha had greeted her earlier. ??Er¡­ H¡­ Ho?? Ha?? Hw???? Simkha let the corners of her lips flicker smilewards. ??Hmm. Gye. Ho?.?? Of course Tali shouldn¡¯t have assumed Simkha intended to watch her in cold silence. Tali was obviously nervous, and Simkha had never let Tali feel alone when she was nervous. Okay. Tali was here with an objective. She should focus on that. She pushed her nerves and exhaustion to the side. She needed Simkha to agree to wear the spare SIGN frame until Tali¡¯s sister and professor came to rescue her, whenever that would be. And Tali had to do it while maintaining some emotional distance. She couldn¡¯t risk Simkha learning too much about their past. Tali knelt on the floor where Simkha could see her. She took out the SIGN frame and presented it in cupped hands. She gave a formal bow. ??Simkha¡­¡± said Tali in Saxonnaise, fully aware that the timeline had changed Simkha¡¯s native language. ¡°Please, help me. Please. Please, please, please.? Simkha slowly looked back and forth between Tali and the presented SIGN frame. She pointed a finger at the SIGN frame, then at herself. She cocked her head. ??Ple¡­ please??? said Simkha, badly emulating the Saxonnaise. ??Please. Please!?? said Tali. Tali held the frame towards Simkha. She tried to psychically project her desperation, focusing so hard that she barely held back tears. Tali needed this help, even though she had no right to ask for it. And¡­ Tali might be trying too hard because she was tired. Tali could master herself. She elbowed her exhaustion back to the side where it belonged. ??Gye,?? said Simkha. ??Oukei, um¡­ please.?? Simkha made a grabbing ??gimme?? gesture towards the sign frame. Oh bless you, Simkha. I could god-damned kiss you right now. Kneeling, Tali took one of the bands and fastened it around Simkha¡¯s wrist. Tali cinched it in as tight as it would go without becoming uncomfortable. She wouldn¡¯t let it slip off by accident. Then she used a higher-dimensional trick to make the band even less obtrusive: scooting it away hleimthwise down Simkha¡¯s arm. Tali watched Simkha¡¯s expression, enjoying the moment that Simkha realized the trick had made the bracelet significantly less dense, and also physically thinner. Simkha surprised Tali right back by grabbing the band and jiggling it hleimthwise along her arm. But of course Simkha was able to see and move hleimthwise. How could she not, given how extensively Tali had exposed her to dimensional stresses. Simkha moved the band a little closer, so it hung a little firmer and heavier on her arm. You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author. Tali fastened the other bands on Simkha¡¯s wrist and ankles. Tali adjusted the other bands hleimthwise until they were the same density and size as the first one. She didn¡¯t want them pinching or rubbing uncomfortably on those impressive forearms and ankles. Tali knelt by Simkha¡¯s head to fasten the necklace. She worked with calm care, unperturbed by the pressure of Simkha¡¯s placid gaze. In no way whatsoever did Tali feel Simkha''s eyes track every move of her dexterous fingers. As the last step, Tali had to pair Simkha¡¯s SIGN frame with her own. Tali would pair the necklaces by pressing their pendants together at a specific orientation, where they would link for up to a minute. She and Simkha both had to be wearing the necklaces for that entire time. Tali had somewhat intentionally avoided thinking about the geometry of the process. Sure, she would be effectively tied to Simkha on a 30 cm lead, but she refused to freak herself out by obsessing over a little physical proximity. Remember what Hannah said. Keep your distance. Don¡¯t get too close. Don¡¯t make her uncomfortable. Don¡¯t get too close. DO NOT get too close. Tali let out a calming breath. She leaned over, steadying herself so that her necklace dangled towards Simkha¡¯s. With her other hand, she took Simkha¡¯s pendant and held it up to hers. The pendants pulled towards each other like magnets, so she let them join together. They clicked when they reached the proper angle. Each pendant was made of the springy, dark-green metal that also made up the bands. Each pendant was shaped like a broad coin, less a hexagram punched out of the center. Each was etched with an intricate abstract pattern on both sides, revealing a lighter blue-tinted metal on the inside. The etched pattern looked familiar and alien at the same time. It reminded Tali of medieval Roman mosaics, or maybe square Aramaic letters, perhaps circuit boards, possibly Maya glyphs. Tiny facets studded the outside edge of the coins. Simkha looked back and forth between the joined pendants and Tali¡¯s face, like she couldn¡¯t decide which held the more interesting mystery. Tali began to regret her failure to plan out the geometry. She had to hold herself up off Simkha with her one arm splayed out like a crab¡¯s. She felt Simkha''s eyes on her like an extra weight. Tali''s arm was not strong enough. She tried to ignore the trembling in her arm. She set her jaw. She would overcome her arm¡¯s protests. She sagged towards Simkha. She couldn''t sustain this Oh, dammit. She was going to faceplant right between Simkha¡¯s armpit and boob. Oh. A goat! Tali was going to stick Simkha with a beautiful view of her jumper armpit. And with Tali¡¯s more compact frame, she would give Simkha an unprovoked mouthful of tit as well. Tali felt an uninvited tension wending its way through her belly. Tali¡¯s gaze leapt to Simkha¡¯s face, finding panicky eyes. ??S¡­ sorry.?? Tali croaked out. ??Sorry, sorry, sorry.?? Tali had to avert this disaster. She pressed upwards with her legs to tilt her body and catch herself. She felt the necklace line grow taut. She felt¡­ not great about this. She slipped. She shuffled her legs apart, hoping to find a stable tripod formation. She wasn¡¯t going to find one. She was going to land ass-first with all of her weight right on Simkha¡¯s solar plexus. Can¡¯t wait until Hannah hears about this. I¡¯m doing such a great job keeping my distance. ??Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!?? Tali babbled in Saxonnaise. A strong hand caught Tali by the hip, another by the waist. Oh, wow. Simkha was strong. Tali felt herself lifted up and straightened out so that¡ªum¡ªTali was being moved across Simkha? No¡­ Tali was being moved atop Simkha. Tali scrambled to adjust her legs, until she knelt with one leg on either side. She settled down as Simkha released her. She could brace her arms here too. This was fine. Tali was fine. Tali was just sitting on Simkha, straddling her waist, with a flushed face, heavy breathing, lips less than thirty centimeters away. Tali definitely wasn''t reveling in Simkha''s attention. She was doing a great job behaving like a regular, platonic, fully heterosexual friend. This was all Tali¡¯s fault. She really, really didn''t mean for this to happen. If she had half a brain, she would have forced Simkha up off the floor and paired the SIGNs while standing. God, I¡¯m a dumbass. Tali had come to Simkha for help, then basically jumped in her lap. Tali clenched her eyes shut. Tali felt tears sting her eyes and nose. ??I¡¯m really, really, really sorry, ? whimpered Tali in Saxonnaise. ??It goed ?s,?? soothed Simkha, in not-Saxonnaise. ??Ouke?, Ouke?, to gy?n Ingelzg preetst. Uhhh¡­ omlette du fromage.?? Tali cried. Simkha ran her hands tenderly up and down Tali¡¯s thighs. Neither of them watched the minor light show that the pendants put on. The pendants clicked and fell apart. Tali shuffled herself off Simkha. She leaned over and slumped against a wall. She made herself look at Simkha. Simkha was struggling not to laugh, and she was so bad at hiding it. Oh my god. She thought this whole farce was funny. And she might have been right. Damn her expressive face. Simkha obviously didn¡¯t feel Tali had gotten particularly close to her. Simkha probably hooked up with whoever she wanted to hook up with, whenever she felt like hooking up. How could she not laugh when she saw how flustered Tali had gotten from a few seconds of her attention. Tali couldn¡¯t help but laugh at herself. She had been a dumbass but everybody was fine. Tali felt a little bad for putting Simkha into an awkward position. But at least Tali would have a much easier time keeping her emotional distance with this perspective. Tali recognized that she felt punch-drunk, and even Simkha let a chuckle slip. ??Bwet ter kregt perd ?¡ª?? A semi-transparent notification box shimmered to life in front of Tali¡¯s face. ??CALIBRATION SUCCESSFUL. NEW SIGN NETWORK ESTABLISHED. AUDIO FEED TERMINATED. PRIOR NETWORK CALIBRATION SAVED TO BACKUP STORAGE.?? Simkha nearly jumped out of her skin. ??OH MYN G*D!?? Tali felt tears of relief in her eyes as she dismissed the notification. I¡¯m not gonna die here. They¡¯re gonna come rescue me. Simkha was fully sat up on the floor. She stared with shimmering, wonder-filled eyes. Only Simkha could see the semi-translucent display that had appeared in front of her. Some bullshit fourth-dimension physics made a SIGN display invisible to everyone but its user. Even so, Tali knew what Simkha was looking at because Tali had spent hundreds of hours looking at that SIGN default view. Simkha wouldn¡¯t be able to read her display yet, since it was labeled in High Tongue glyphs. She was likely to assume the general health monitor in the bottom corner was just a heartbeat tracker. Next to that, she would probably intuit that the default status bars were gauges of a sort. She would see that her status bars measured something, but she¡¯d be unlikely to guess what until they finished calibrating. Rising up the sides, Simkha would see a bunch of incomprehensible icons. Later, she would learn that those icons opened a whole slew of sub-displays like goals, to-do lists, influences, moods, relationships¡­ and, well, probably a dozen other things that Tali didn¡¯t remember. ??Tal?¡­?? asked Simkha, ??¡­in skerm¡­ gyn myn eagen¡­ howwe gyo my ?n ferdomme HUD gyun??? 1.6 – Sim Hug ??Tal?¡­?? asked Simkha, ??¡­in skerm¡­ gyn myn eagen¡­ howwe gyo my ?n ferdomme HUD gyun??? Simkha reached out a hand in wonder. She must have been trying to touch her display, presumably unaware that her SIGN frame projected its image directly into her eyes. Simkha wouldn¡¯t yet know how her SIGN worked given that it was practically Clarke-tech in comparison to every other device she had ever used. Simkha¡¯s wide eyes and tender smile certainly made her look like she had just discovered real magic. Oh, Simkha had so much wonder ahead of her. Tali couldn¡¯t stop herself from beaming. Despite Tali¡¯s breakdown, she had earned that smile from Simkha and it felt stupidly good. Tali was still fighting off exhaustion and worry¡­ she was still on an emotional roller-coaster¡­ but she felt so much better about this shit-show of a night. She liked knowing that she shared a SIGN network with Simkha now. But Tali had to keep a cool head, so she couldn¡¯t lose sight of her goals. First, she had to keep Simkha on her SIGN network until Hannah and Elkano came to rescue her. Second, she had to avoid any emotional entanglements that would hurt Simkha. Third, she needed some goddamn sleep. Fourth, she really should teach Simkha how to use her SIGN. God, Tali really should help Simkha make the most of it, given how much Simkha was helping her. To hell with it¡ªTali was going to learn Simkha¡¯s new language. Tali was going to use that language to teach Simkha all about her SIGN. Tali would be damned if she let a few foreign words keep her from acting like Simkha''s friend now that they were on the same network. Tali created a new SIGN index and pinned it to her default view. Tali pondered for a minute. Tali pointed to herself. ??Tali,?? Tali said. Tali pointed to Simkha. ??Simkha,?? Tali said. Tali stood up and walked over to Simkha¡¯s kitchen. She went through Simkha¡¯s cupboards until she found a mug. She held the mug up and pointed at it. She looked at Simkha and waited. Simkha looked at the mug. She looked at Tali. She looked at the mug. She pointed at the mug. She pointed at herself. She crooked her head inquisitively. Tali just smiled and crooked her head right back. ??Um,?? said Simkha ??Kop. Mog.?? ??Kopmog??? tried Tali. Simkha narrowed her eyes. ??Kop. Mog.?? Tali narrowed her eyes. Simkha sighed. She slowly stood up. She walked over to the kitchen and took out two tall glass cups and one more mug. She took Tali¡¯s mug and lined them all up. ??Kop, kop, kop, kop,?? said Simkha, pointing to each in turn. She crooked her head at Tali. ??Kop, mog, kop, mog,?? she said, pointing to a cup, a mug, a cup, then a mug. Tali squinched her face up. After a moment, she rearranged the cups and mugs. ??Kop, kop, mog, mog.?? Tali got a smile from Simkha. Tali gave a big old smile back. She noted her new words down in her new index. Tali reached into the back of Simkha¡¯s cupboard and pulled out a pair of foiled packets. ??Ahhh,?? said Simkha. She grinned. ??Weerme kegao.?? Tali prepared both mugs of hot cocoa while she continued her interrogation. She boiled the water, poured, stirred, and set the mugs out on Simkha¡¯s little table. Meanwhile, Simkha followed wherever Tali pointed and named various English words. She devised little methods of clarifying meaning wherever she thought a word was unclear. By the time the hot chocolate was ready, Simkha had given Tali words for
1. Cup 2. Mug, 3. Hot Cocoa, 4. Hot, 5. You, 6. Heart, 7. Boob (?), 8. Torso, 9. I / Me / My, 10. Talk, 11. English, 12. Word, 13. [Question indicator](?), 14. [negation] (might be ??stop???), 15. Eye, 16. See, 17. Necklace, 18. HUD (head-up-see?), 19. Hoodie, 20. Jumper, 21. Garment, 22. Good, 23. Happy, and 24. Friend.
Simkha also futzed around with her SIGN system by herself. She figured out that her SIGN¡¯s HUD was projected from her pendant. She figured out that people could only see the display that their own pendant projected. She could tell when Tali was using her HUD, because her eyes sparkled. And she could dim, but not block, her HUD''s visibility by covering the pendant with her hand. Tali and Simkha perched across from each other and took up their hot cocoas. They smiled at each other, sipped, and relaxed. They were getting more comfortable with each other. They were getting a little more giggly too as the night wore on. Hmm. Tali would learn to speak Simkha¡¯s ??[English]?? language. Tali would teach Simkha to use her new HUD. And Tali would do all that while keeping a safe emotional distance from Simkha. But perhaps Tali should do all that tomorrow morning? After a chance to sleep? Tali had just noticed the time was 2.00 am. She was surprised at how tired she felt after sipping cocoa and learning a few dozen English words. Tali would need to sleep soon. Tali could tell Simkha was exhausted, but perhaps not as sleepy. A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation. Yeah, Tali would delay the HUD lessons for the morning. Except Simkha had started to excitedly draw on a sheet of scrap paper. And wow. Simkha was drawing out the entire default view from her HUD. She was even including all the High Tongue glyphs she couldn¡¯t read. She was doing a shockingly good job at it. But Tali was fading fast. ??Simkha,?? said Tali. She pointed at herself. Then she slumped over, closed her eyes, and pretended to snore. ??[Sleep!]?? said Simkha, excitedly. Oh, my Sweet Simkha. Tali let out a punch drunk giggle. She shook her head and pointed at herself. Talitha struggled to string her new English words together. ??[No. sleep¡­ er¡­ happy] Talitha. [I. Sleep good.]?? Simkha narrowed her eyes and cocked her head. Deep in thought. ??Um, [snore]??? Tali shook her head no. Tali narrowed her eyes. On unsteady feet, she raised herself up out of her seat. She shuffled over to stand next to Simkha. Tali leaned over Simkha¡¯s drawing of the HUD. Tali placed her pointer finger on the status bar for sleep. ??[Sleep,]?? said Tali. She pointed to the right side of the bar. ??[Sleep good,]?? said Tali. She pointed to the left side of the bar. ??[Sleep good not,]?? said Tali. Tali grabbed a bright red pencil and drew a little red bar almost all the way to the left side of the bar. Tali only exaggerated her need for sleep by a little bit. ??Talitha [sleep good not,]?? said Tali. Simkha stared at Tali. Simkha stared at the drawing. Simkha stared at Tali. After most of a minute, she pointed a finger at the sleep status bar. ??[Sleep?]?? ??[Sleep,]?? Tali confirmed. Simkha erupted into a broad smile. She practically vibrated with excitement. She pressed a hand to her chest. Her eyes sparkled. She grabbed Tali and hugged the shit out of her. ??W?m Ryochts on Maks?s, gean tunsye,?? muttered Simkha. ??[I] ?n s?mulearre m?nsge p?n.?? Simkha pointed a finger to the left most status bar on her diagram, and asked ??[What word?]?? How? How am I supposed to find the strength to stay awake for this? Simkha made a cute little pout and pressed her palms together. Fine. That works. Tali could probably stay awake through one last round of questions. Tali followed Simkha through the line of default status bars, pointing one-by-one. Tali had to sleepily act out the meaning of each status bar before Simkha could tell her its English name. Tali had an easy time communicating the status bars for
25. Cleanliness 26. Exercise 27. Food 28. Sex, and 29. Sleep
Although in retrospect, both Tali and Simkha acted a little too performatively comfortable when Tali mimed ??[sex.]?? Tali didn¡¯t have such an easy time acting out the other status bars. She needed several tries before she could get Simkha to understand
30. Relaxation, and 31. Socialization.
When it came time to act out
32. Waste Purge,
Tali didn¡¯t even try. She just walked to Simkha¡¯s bathroom and pointed at the toilet. Simkha had to run back to her diagram and add labels to each status bar before she would calm down. Simkha remembered Tali¡¯s exhaustion when Tali pressed her face into Simkha¡¯s arm and groaned ??[sleep.]?? Simkha looked sheepish. Simkha led Tali by her hand to the bathroom. She stood Tali up in front of the mirror, handed her a clean toothbrush, and made her brush her teeth. When she offered Tali use of her fancy face scrubs, Tali picked just one of them. At Tali¡¯s insistence, Simkha used it to gently clean Tali¡¯s face for her. When Simkha washed her own face, Tali sat down on the floor and hugged Simkha¡¯s leg. Simkha pulled Tali up by the hand and led her to her bedroom. Oh no, thought Tali. Just one bed. I guess she expects us to share it. Probably doesn''t even see it as intimate. I wouldn¡¯t want to offend her. Guess I have to do it. I can still keep my distance. Tali climbed into bed and nested under the duvet. She kicked off her pants, unclasped her bra and slipped it out of her sweater, then snuggled into a pillow. She listened to the sounds of Simkha shuffling around turning off lights. Tali frowned. Simkha was shuffling¡­ away? Not back to bed? Tali was sure of it. Simkha was leaving to sleep in her living room. Tali was so tired. But she made herself think through the situation. No¡­ thought Tali. I¡­ put her out. She should sleep¡­ her own bed. I should¡­ be couch¡­ if she doesn¡¯t¡­. wanna share. Tali set her sleepiness to the side with the greatest imaginable force of will. She crawled out from under the duvet. She had to do¡­ the right thing. She climbed to her feet. She had¡­ to do¡­ justice. She shuffled out to Simkha¡¯s living room. Simkha lay curled up on a loveseat that was clearly too small for her. She hid under a fuzzy blanket. No. Wrong. I fix. Tali shook Simkha by the shoulder. Tali took Simkha¡¯s arm and pulled her to her feet. Tali grabbed the blanket. She climbed onto the loveseat and buried herself under the blanket. Tali pointed one hand out towards Simkha¡¯s bedroom. ??Mmmh, ?? Tali mumbled. ??[You. Sleep.]?? Tali tugged the blanket tight and closed her eyes. She started to fade into sleep. But then she felt Simkha¡¯s arms under her, lifting her, scooping her into a bridal carry. She was being carried back to the bedroom. ??Nooooo,?? whined Tali. She squirmed in Simkha¡¯s arms. She nuzzled at Simkha¡¯s collarbone. Tali felt secure here, in a way she was certain she shouldn¡¯t. God, Simkha was so strong. Simkha set Tali back down in her bed. She tucked Tali in beneath the duvet. ??Goeienacht,?? said Simkha. Tali groaned when Simkha left the room again. No¡­ thought Tali¡­ I fix. Somehow, Tali did it all again. She crawled out from under the duvet. She creaked to her feet. She schlepped to the living room. She found Simkha back in the loveseat, with a new blanket. Tali tried to pull Simkha to her feet again. But Simkha resisted her this time. Simkha wouldn¡¯t be moved. So Tali climbed on top of Simkha and curled up. ??[What] te fugg??? groaned Simkha. ??Hmmmrrrnnnggghhh?? rebutted Tali. Simkha groaned. She didn¡¯t even bother to stand up before she scooped Tali. Tali squirmed all the way back to Simkha¡¯s bed. God! Simkha is such a stubborn bitch! Tali was not going to give up. Tali got put down on the soft mattress. Tali started to climb out of bed. But then the bed shifted under her and she almost fell backwards. Rrrgggrrr? What? Oh. Ohhh. Simkha¡¯s arm wrapped around Tali¡¯s waist and pulled her into bed Guess Simkha¡­ expects us¡­ share bed. Oh well¡­ wouldn¡¯t want to¡­ offend her. Tali¡­ was in bed with Simkha. Cuddling with Simkha. Being held. She turned to face Simkha. Tali buried her head in Simkha¡¯s hoodie. Tali breathed in that reassuring scent. Heh heh, part of Tali¡¯s head was wedged between the pillow and Simkha¡¯s boob. Tali moved a hand under Simkha¡¯s hoodie, to the warmth of Simkha¡¯s lower back. ??[Happy, friend?]?? mumbled Simkha. ??[Good?]?? ??[Happy¡­]?? purred Tali. ??[Sleep.]?? ??[Sleep,]?? agreed Simkha. This is fine. Platonic. Easy to¡­ keep¡­ emotional distance. Not¡­ too close¡­ to Sim¡­ Simkh¡­ Si¡­ ¡­ ¡­ ¡­ . . . . . . . . . .?.?. .?.?. .?.?. 1.7 – Waking Friends
SMS 4 People Today 9:51 AM sanity check: is there a girl in this picture? not a trick question, btw i see a redhead asleep in the foreground, on the bed & i need to know if she is a delusion or no *or not
Simkha couldn¡¯t look away from the picture on her phone. She had taken it while she snuck out of her bedroom. She had barely had the presence of mind to snap it at the time. She was glad she took it then, because she was too scared to go back into her bedroom now. She felt silly for feeling scared of Tali, but that didn¡¯t stop her from being scared. G*d, Simkha felt terrified of everything right now. Fear was a frequent feature of Simkha¡¯s mornings. Morning fear had a special potency that seemed to demand special recognition, leading Simkha to think of it as ¡°daybreak dread.¡± Today¡¯s dread was worse than usual. It did something to Simkha¡¯s body, but not through any sensation Simkha could identify. The daybreak dread almost nipped at Simkha¡¯s heels, driving her to pace back and forth for the little relief that brought. Well, at least one of Simkha¡¯s stressors was handled. For some unclear reason, her HUD had started to make her anxious. Luckily, the HUD could be hidden if Simkha flipped her SIGN pendant around backwards. So the pendant got flipped right over, then tucked into the top panel of Simkha¡¯s high-neck sports bra. Why did Simkha feel better without the HUD, though? She didn¡¯t think she should feel relief from hiding it. She had felt unalloyed excitement and wonder when she got the thing last night. She felt even better because of how obviously Tali enjoyed her reaction. Then Simkha felt so conflicted this morning¡­ so something must have changed. And for whatever reason, Simkha felt guilty about that. Simkha needed to get this tension out. Normally she might release it by going on a run. Today, she was too injured for that. Well¡­ she probably had time for a walk. Simkha wrapped her injured ankle in a compression sleeve. She replaced the special plaster on her left palm that was on the verge of seeping through. She changed into some dark purple dance pants with a white racerback. She zipped her phone into a thigh pocket. She pulled on her reinforced socks and nice trainers. Simkha stepped out of her bathroom, grabbed a walking cane, and slipped through the front door. She locked up and shuffled down to the street. Simkha¡¯s path led her north with long, regular strides. It led her down and around the next block. Then over the railway bridge. Then across the field along the footpath. It led her across the bridge over the stream, where she turned left and walked south down the wooded path beside the Thames. Simkha used her cane like a crutch opposite her injured ankle to take weight off of it. Simkha unclenched her jaw. She breathed out. Relax, you stupid bitch. You¡¯re allowed to have emotions. You can figure out what they mean. Well. Tali¡¯s presence had caught Simkha flat-footed when she woke up. Simkha¡¯s delusions normally went away after she managed a decent night¡¯s sleep. Or if the delusions persisted, then at least they felt less immediate¡ªless present. Tali had confounded all rational predictions. She was just right there when Simkha woke up this morning¡­ and there, there, and there. And she had given Simkha all that SIGN jewelry and the HUD too, each element compounding Simkha¡¯s bewilderment anew. No¡­ Simkha didn¡¯t really mind the jewelry or HUD, she minded the fears that they reminded her of. She had spent so many years wishing for Tali back, even if she had to be crazy again. And Simkha had felt so right when she woke up to find Tali softly clinging to her body. Simkha didn¡¯t think she could let go of that wonderful feeling for long enough to start a new round of anti-psychotics. Doubly so after Simkha closed her eyes and imagined how she¡¯d feel if Tali were touching her while awake, if Tali really wanted Simkha in that way. Simkha thought she felt another strand of emotion too¡­ maybe¡­ relief? She felt less tense without the specter of insanity looming over her. She could just deal with being crazy instead of constantly asking ¡°what if, what if, what if?¡± Simkha would have to leave First Oxford, of course. She would have the perfect excuse to give up the scholarship she no longer deserved. She would move back to her family home in Tangiers and help out as she was able. And maybe in a few more years, Simkha would be sane enough to try university again. She would enroll somewhere more familiar, maybe an Anglo-Amazigh university like Oksfordtwo. Finally, what about all those little doubts she had harbored last night? All those little things that didn¡¯t add up. What if¡­ what if this was actually real? What if Simkha had spent the last twelve years trying to get over a real friend who had really loved her? Simkha chided herself. She was being a very naughty crazy person. She shouldn¡¯t even think ¡°what if my delusions are real.¡± The maths will give you perspective, Simkha. Do the drills, you stupid bitch. The chance you have a significant psychotic episode in any given year must be low¡­ call it¡­ three-in-twenty. The chance of any given episode creating a particularly vivid delusion seems a little lower¡­ call it two-in-twenty. Those chances come to fifteen percent times ten percent. That¡¯s a one-point-five percent chance each year that you have a delusion like this one. What about the chances in any given year that you discover that Tali is real¡­ and magic is real¡­ and Tali¡¯s a wizard? One in a hundred? One in a thousand? No, it must be far less likely. Just call it one in a hundred-thousand. But if Tali was truly a wizard, then the chance she would come find you is almost certain. Those chances come to 0.001 percent times one-hundred percent. So the annual chance of discovering that this is all real is 0.001 percent. Maths don¡¯t lie, Simkha. One-point five versus 0.001. The chance that this is all a delusion is fifteen-hundred times greater than the chance that this is real. Simkha felt much better now, despite the ongoing conflict between her emotions. She smiled at some women walking past her hand-in-hand, then took the next turn back east towards town. Simkha traversed an overbridge and entered town. She walked until she reached Walton St then turned north. She passed dogs on four different occasions. By the time Simkha was passing the Jericho Cafe, she felt downright good. Bzzz. Simkha¡¯s phone had a notification. Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz.
Today 10:18 AM Sapphic Sensei (aka Mika IntroArchaeoTA) Yes I see her No delusion Sorry for the wait Just woke up Like 10 minutes ago Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on. Now that the serious business is over WHAT WHO IS SHE !?!? Djjdjsjskjd GET IT BEYBE ?????? IM SO PROUD Momma Batteferet I see her too She''s real, not a relapse And yes who is she? Do we get to meet her? And who¡¯s the new # in this chat? Sapphic Sensei (aka Mika IntroArchaeoTA) O HI I¡¯m Mika ????? Used to be S¡¯s TA But we been ? p r o p e r ? fiends for years now *friends & youuu 3 must be the ¡°Well-Fit Footie Jocks?¡± Ehhh? ????? Tho that means lucky Ms. sleepy isn¡¯t one of you Momma Batteferet Ohhh Simkha is just going to PERISH I Am her MOTHER ?????? Call me Ouri This is too good! We just HAVE to chat I have the best baby Simkha stories Sooo cute If you have the uni gossip She simply REFUSES to talk about girls with us While she tells you about all her hot jock friends ???? I tell you, it¡¯s practically elder abuse!
Oh no. Oh no, oh no. Simkha could not let her momma spill the beans to Mika. She didn¡¯t think she could be daughter-Simkha and friend-Simkha at the same time. She just¡­ she had to stop this! How could she stop this? Simkha stopped walking and crouched into a resting squat so she could think better. She rubbed at her brow with one hand. Hmmm. Only one person had any chance at fixing this. Perhaps¡­
Mom Berlioz, Esq. Oh hello, dears. I am going to need your undivided attention. And I think you both WANT to listen to me. Because the most INTERESTING thing just happened. There I am, preparing for this Monday¡¯s trial¡­ (I¡¯m a barrister) While my wife blissfully sleeps the morning away¡­ When I get an EMERGENCY email from my daughter. Sent to my professional email, since she must have realized my phone is on DND. She sends a screenshot of a most curious conversation¡­ And a demand that I ¡°Stop them! I¡¯m not ready!¡± I look at this screenshot¡­ Where I see an exchange between my darling wife¡­ And my daughter¡¯s friend at Uni¡­ Introducing herself as ¡°Mika¡±¡­ But listed in my daughter¡¯s contacts¡­ as ¡°Sapphic Sensei¡± ?? Sapphic Sensei (aka Mika IntroArchaeoTA) WHAT Momma Batteferet WHAT!!! AHAHAHAHA Sapphic Sensei (aka Mika IntroArchaeoTA) Brb, gotta tell my gf about my new title And update my resume to match Simkha, you are just Absolutely PERFECT You are never getting rid of me, now. No way around it. Momma Batteferet ?????? Mom Berlioz, Esq. Delighted to learn she didn¡¯t tell you about that, young ma¡¯am. That¡¯s precisely the sort of fact our dear Simkha oft neglects to share. Speaking of which¡­ Good morning, my name is Lella-Louise Berlioz¡­ And I am ?also? Simkha¡¯s mother. Sapphic Sensei (aka Mika IntroArchaeoTA) WHAT WHATTTTT Gbgdgshfbhbhfch SIMBA¡¯S HAD TWO MOMS THIS WHOLE TIME Momma Batteferet Hahahhaha! She has! She never said? Lella-Louise and I have been married for 20 years! And plenty of dating before that! Mom Berlioz, Esq. There is no escaping it now, young ma¡¯am¡­ You MUST have a long call with my wife soon. She¡¯ll need to ensure you¡¯re giving Simkha the best advice¡­ If you want to keep your ¡°Sapphic Sensei¡± title! Sapphic Sensei (aka Mika IntroArchaeoTA) Oh yeah I am never going to give that up 1sec Holdup Just saw Sim outside rightnow On the street outside the caff She looksupset G2g Talk latre Momma Batteferet Oh no! Simkha, we love you! We tease because we¡¯re happy for you! Mom Berlioz, Esq. Yes! We love you so much! We are happy for you¡­ Really¡­ You¡¯ve done nothing to feel embarrassed about! A healthy sex life is a good thing¡­ And it¡¯s a good thing to listen to others¡¯ wisdom and advice. Momma Batteferet Please just call us when you can We should check in about your meds soon anyway & any related problems BUT We don¡¯t have to talk about anything u dont want to talk about Today 10:32 AM I¡¯M FINE FFS im fine mika just saw me from a weird angle shes getting us breakfast now & walking me home & i didnt sleep with the girl either ???¡â????¡â????¡â? SEE, E.G., that big chunky sweater shes obvs stillbwearing *sweater shes obvs still wearing not exactly lingerie ffs we can call tomorrow Mom Berlioz, Esq. If you say so¡­ We still love you more than anything! Your Momma says the same! XOXOXO
1.8 – Simkhas Strange Morning Mika handed Simkha the teal tote holding both takeaways. Mika pulled a pair of thrift-shop-chic sunglasses out of her clutch and popped them on. She looked unfairly glamorous in her cheap shades, light pink hair, and artfully-draped outfit. She reminded Simkha of the home-town glamor queen archetype she had learned from manhwa and webtoons. ¡°I¡¯m mad at you,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Er,¡± said Mika, ¡°Soz?¡± Simkha narrowed her eyes. Mika¡¯s grin turned sheepish. ¡°Sorry¡­¡± repeated Mika. ¡°Can¡­ may I ask what I did wrong? I have a guess¡­ but I worry that maybe I¡¯m missing something. Because of, you know, my terminal extroversion¡­¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m mad,¡± Simkha groaned. She pointed to her head and went on. ¡°I hate it here. Aaah. I¡¯m not asking for an apology. I¡¯m warning you that I¡¯m a crazy bitch today, and giving you a chance to run.¡± Mika¡¯s expression melted into something warmer. ¡°Ohhh, beyb-ums. I¡¯m still sorry. Was I too flippant, with texting your moms? Even if that wasn¡¯t it, I still must have hit you in a sore spot. So I insist on apologizing.¡± Simkha whined and slouched and made puppy-dog eyes. ¡°I just,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Ugh. Don¡¯t blame yourself. I feel so out of my depth. I¡­ had some sort of hallucination last night. And then this girl showed up. And now everybody is all ooh, you hooked up didn¡¯t you, and I just. I just¡­ I didn¡¯t even think of sex as a way to read my stupid messages. I¡¯m so stupid. And I don¡¯t know what any of this is.¡± Mika hugged Simkha. ¡°Hush, Simkha. Hush now. No bad-mouthing yourself. In fact I¡¯m bullying you to accept my apology, in the form of breakfast. You¡¯re eating it. And you¡¯re not allowed to send me money. So there.¡± Simkha hung her head. ¡°O¡­okay.¡± ¡°Oh, darling,¡± Mika sighed. ¡°How about I give you two choices? First, we can talk about your worries and brain issues right now. It could help, but I¡¯m no expert? Second, I can try to distract you with silliness. We can talk about the food and, like, whatever else comes to mind. ¡°Distraction. P-please.¡± Mika smiled at Simkha. Simkha arranged her face in a very smile-like manner. ¡°You got it, beyb! Well, there¡¯s one vegetarian and one vegan brekkie. I forgot which way you like it, so I¡¯ll have whichever one you don¡¯t want.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± said Simkha, ¡°yeah. Thanks. I mean, uh, I¡¯m fine either way. I¡¯m not strictly vegan or veggie. I just, like, try to eat vegan unless I really want something non-vegan. And I almost always eat vegetarian¡­ unless I really really want something with meat.¡± ¡°Good! We¡¯ll lay out the lot of it and share, then.¡± ¡°Shall we, uh, go eat in my flat?¡± ¡°Sounds good,¡± said Mika. ¡°I guess lucky Ms. Sleepy rose and scarpered?¡± Simkha blushed. Fuck¡¯s sake, Mika. Lucky Ms. Sleepy? Really? ¡°Actually, I th-think she¡¯s still asleep. So we shouldn¡¯t be too loud.¡± Simkha scuttled ahead, acting entirely normal. By no means did she avert her eyes. It¡¯s just she had to look down in order to fish her keys out of her thigh pocket¡ªmeanwhile Mika was over there. Simkha fumbled open the door to the stairs. She started climbing to the first floor. ¡°Simkha!¡± insisted Mika. Simkha sagged and turned to face Mika. She didn¡¯t see Mika. ¡°Simkha!¡± Mika called Simkha back down to the door and onto the pavement, back towards the Jericho. Mika stood with crossed arms and an expression that made Simkha feel like a primary-school student getting lectured for reasons she didn¡¯t understand. Simkha made herself stand straight and face Mika. She tried to meet Mika¡¯s eyes, but tucked her head when she couldn¡¯t. She wrestled her eyes back and forth between Mika and the street, finally settling her gaze on Mika¡¯s right forearm. ¡°Beybe, can we chat for a moment before we go up?¡± ¡°Okay,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I think I¡¯m on a different page to yours. Can I tell you some assumptions I¡¯m making? And then you tell me when I¡¯m wrong?¡± ¡°Okay.¡± ¡°First, Sapphic Sensei. Amazing nickname. I am here for it. But you never want to talk about specific girls¡­¡± ¡°Yeah. Should¡­ should I try to explain?¡± ¡°You can if you want to. But I¡¯m not going to make you.¡± ¡°It¡¯s that I. Well. I. Let¡¯s save that for later.¡± ¡°Of course, beyb. Whenever you¡¯re ready. But for now¡­ I don¡¯t think my new nickname is entirely facetious. I think you want my advice. About girls. Specific girls. That you want to date.¡± Simkha took a deliberate breath. She loved to listen to others talk about their love lives. She could talk about this too, dammit. ¡°I¡­ I think so.¡± ¡°Good.¡± Mika watched Simkha for a few moments. ¡°In that case¡± said Mika, ¡°I want to tell you a story.¡± Simkha nodded her head yes. ¡°Alright,¡± said Mika. ¡°Let¡¯s go back in time. To when I was in lyceum. I was a little baby queer and there was¡­ this girl. I really liked her. I didn¡¯t realize she liked me too. We were classic useless lesbians. Each thought the other girl wanted to be platonic friends. Each far too anxious to talk about what was happening. One Saturday we went on an ¡°adventure¡± to Paris. It was a date that we were too scared to label as a date. Well, come lunch time I went to get us cr¨ºpes from a food truck. ¡°I ran into a friend while I was standing in line. I tried to send him off but he just wanted to talk and talk. He didn¡¯t realize that she and I were on this unspoken date. He followed me back to her and just¡­ kept¡­ yammering. I was too anxious to send him away. My not-a-girlfriend got upset. She was right to feel upset. She was pretty clear how she wanted that time for just us. Hell, I wanted that too. But I couldn¡¯t bring myself to tell my friend to leave. And my not-a-girlfriend didn¡¯t even know the guy. My girl and I argued, the argument blew up. We ended it. We didn¡¯t even talk again until two years ago.¡± Simkha frowned. She felt¡­ yeah she definitely felt sad. ¡°Uh. I¡¯m. Sorry? That happened? I wish you two could have talked that out. But maybe it¡¯s better you didn¡¯t since you didn¡¯t meet Hrefna ¡®til two years ago either. That girl missed her chance.¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± said Mika. ¡°Something like that. What I want to know is if you see my point?¡± Simkha concentrated. She was sure Mika¡¯s story was an analogue to the present situation. Simkha was sure this wasn¡¯t complicated. ¡°I need¡­ You need¡­ to go hang out with Hrefna?¡± ¡°No,¡± said Mika. Her smile reached her eyes and crinkled them at the corners. ¡°This is about you and the cute little redhead asleep in your flat.¡± ¡°But I, we, she¡­ We¡¯re not on a date and we¡¯re not being useless lesbians.¡± ¡°Are you certain?¡± asked Mika. ¡°Because you seemed flustered. Perhaps even useless. I think you might be into her. And if you want time with her then I want you to say so. I¡¯ll happily give you two alone time.¡± Simkha huffed and ran a hand through her hair. ¡°Well. I mean¡­ of course I¡¯m into her. I mean. She¡¯s really attractive. And I mean. Really really lovely to be around. But I mean¡­ she¡¯s extremely not-interested in me.¡± Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website. ¡°Did she tell you she¡¯s not interested?¡± ¡°Not¡­ with words.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t follow. How did she tell you?¡± Simkha groaned. ¡°Okay. Let me tell you what happened last night. I¡­ I started hallucinating again. I was caught in a delusion when she found me.¡± ¡°Oh, shit,¡± said Mika. ¡°Yeah. Huh. I bet the hallucinating is why I¡¯m all pissy. Isn¡¯t it?¡± Simkha chewed her lip and ran a hand through her hair. ¡°So I was caught in a delusion. I must have been around here, real close to my flat anyway. She saw me, and recognized me from, ah, before. She helped me get home, helped me get calm. Absolute tsedekette. She headed out to do¡­ whatever.¡± Mika slowly nodded her head. ¡°That¡­ is not what I imagined. I apologize. I should have been more serious about all this from the start. How did she end up in your bed?¡± ¡°Fuck me,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I don¡¯t knowww-w.¡± Mika raised an eyebrow. ¡°Sorry,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Look. She left. I laid down. I did the exercises to wind myself down. I stopped hallucinating¡ªat least for a little while. Until she stopped by again, about an hour later. I let her in, she seemed like she wanted to check up on me. And she did. But¡­ I¡¯m a clumsy bitch. I guess I tripped her up. Next thing I knew, we were both lying on the floor. And we were both wearing these necklaces. And they got tangled up. We tied ourselves together. She looked so uncomfortable about the situation. I felt so bad about it.¡± Mika raised an eyebrow. The corner of her mouth twitched smilewards. ¡°Go on¡­¡± Simkha sighed. She rubbed her forehead. ¡°G*d, I¡¯m so bad at explaining this. Look, in order to de-tangle the necklaces she kind of had to, uh, s-straddle me. She looked even less comfortable with that. But me¡­ well. She¡¯s so pretty and kind¡ªmy perfect woman. She was straddling me. For just a moment it was like¡­ it was like she was pinning me there. Holding me there. Because she wanted me there¡­ because she wanted me under her. Just for a moment¡­ but I felt the moment in my bones. My gay little brain overloaded. And I¡­ uh¡­ blacked out.¡± Mika squinched up her eyes. She struggled to keep a shit-eating grin off her face. Simkha huffed in frustration. ¡°Oh my G*d. It wasn¡¯t like that. When I woke up, she had de-tangled us. She had moved well away. And her expression just screamed don¡¯t bring it up, I don¡¯t want that and you don¡¯t want to embarrass yourself. It¡­ it was actually pretty funny, how differently the moment affected us.¡± ¡°Simkha!¡± said Mika. ¡°Mika?¡° said Simkha. ¡°Simkhaaa-a!¡± said Mika. ¡°That bad?¡± said Simkha. ¡°Oh my god, you pure, pure soul. Simkha. You are fucking rubbish at reading expressions.¡± ¡°Ah. That is¡­ fair.¡± ¡°Simkha¡­ did she tell you she wasn¡¯t interested? With words? Out loud?¡± ¡°¡­sh tsnt spk nkhlsh¡­¡± said Simkha. ¡°What?¡± ¡°She¡­ doesn¡¯t speak English,¡± said Simkha. Mika stared at Simkha. Mika rubbed her face. People passed by. The sun set. The sun rose. Seasons came. Seasons went. Years turned to decades. Societies collapsed. Climates evolved. Species fell. Species rose. Mika took a breath. ¡°Do you like this girl?¡± asked Mika. Simkha nodded yes. ¡°You said she¡¯s¡­ lovely to be around?¡± Simkha nodded yes. Mika took another breath. She propped her sunglasses atop her head. She grasped Simkha¡¯s hands and looked directly into her eyes. ¡°Darling. Beautiful. Beloved. I want you to take this food before it gets cold. I want you to bring it upstairs and serve her breakfast in bed. I want you to admit to yourself that you don¡¯t know if she likes you. And admit that she¡¯s allowed to like you if that¡¯s how she feels. I want you to hang out with her and enjoy yourself. Maybe try to find a language you both speak.¡± ¡°¡­¡± ¡°¡­¡± ¡°¡­I should have paid attention in Hebrew class.¡± ¡°Simkha, please just give her a chance. Learn from my mistakes. You don¡¯t need to bring an uninvited friend with your metaphorical cr¨ºpes.¡± Simkha slowly met Mika¡¯s eyes. ¡°Simkha, please. Just try. You¡¯re so wonderful. Please give yourself the chance you deserve.¡± Simkha smiled. She hugged Mika. ¡°I need a minute, please shut up for a second.¡± ¡°Simkha!¡± grinned Mika, ¡°Is that any way to address your sensei?¡± Simkha snorted. Both girls broke into guffaws. After a minute Simkha pulled away. She took a steadying breath. ¡°You might be right in general,¡± said Simkha. ¡°But I still want you to come upstairs. Look, after I recovered from my blackout... the rest of the night was the opposite of an alluring experience. I started hallucinating hard. I tried to follow her lead, but also I thought she was a wizard¡­ doing magic. And I could do magic too. And my delusions just followed her around. That¡¯s why I texted you this morning, I thought she could have been a delusion too. That¡¯s why I want you to come up. Would you hang around until you can meet her, and tell me what¡¯s really happening?¡± Mika chewed her lip. ¡°Of course. Let¡¯s go in and eat. And look, I¡¯m really sorry I didn¡¯t treat your text seriously enough this morning. Do you want me to text your moms for you, tell them what is happening?¡± ¡°Uh. No. No thank you.¡± Simkha blanched and looked away. ¡°I need to mentally fortify myself before I tell them. Can we go back to silly talk? We were supposed to keep this light.¡± ¡°Ohhh, yeahhh. Soz, beybe. Hey, you should invite your fit new jocks over. I wanna meet them, and you sounded like you really enjoyed them. Then you can show off all your rad hot friends to your sleepy girl!¡± ¡°Shit, let me think about that. But, uh, I think the jocks already have¡­ plans¡­ this morning.¡± ¡°Hmmm¡­¡± wondered Mika. ¡°Simkha¡­ are you bothered by the idea of your friends meeting each other?¡± Simkha turned to face the stairs. ¡°Well¡­ sure? Is that not¡­ how everybody feels? Because I thought¡­¡± Simkha led Mika into her flat. Simkha was surprised that most people didn¡¯t feel discomfort at the idea of friends from different groups meeting each other. Simkha compared the feeling of friends meeting each other to the feeling of different foods on a plate touching each other. Mika tried to follow Simkha¡¯s friends/foods analogy. Mika was not at all surprised to learn that child-Simkha hated for foods to touch on her plate. Mika was just a tiny bit surprised to realize that twenty-two-year-old-Simkha still spent most of her meals managing the arrangement and structure of the foods on her plate. Because only certain appropriate foods should touch. ¡°So,¡± asked Mika, ¡°I guess it¡¯s okay when certain appropriate friends meet each other, then?¡± ¡°Hmm,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Let me think about that for a moment.¡± Simkha started the electric kettle. She moved last night¡¯s drawing of her HUD to a side table. When she turned around, she found Mika setting out three mismatched plates with forks. ¡°I¡­ uh¡­ I think my analogy was wrong,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I can¡¯t remember ever feeling comfortable about the idea of any of my friends meeting.¡± ¡°Huh,¡± wondered Mika, ¡°any chance you recall a similar feeling from any other circumstances? ¡°Maybe¡­ maybe the fear you feel in class when you get an exam, and realize you studied the wrong books? I dunno. I need to think about that.¡± Simkha took serving spoons and placed them in the takeaway portions in the center of her little table. Simkha felt a little overwhelmed when she looked at their spread: they had fried eggs, sliced avocado, veggie sausage, vegan sausage, mushrooms fried in butter, mushrooms fried in oil, baked beans, grilled tomatoes, and a half dozen slices of perfectly browned toast. Simkha took a centering breath. She did feel better because Mika was here with her. But Simkha also felt this hard-to identify sensation in her stomach, and that left her hesitant to fix herself a plate. She was doubly hesitant because now she was over-thinking which foods should be allowed to touch. Simkha considered waking Tali to come eat. But Tali still seemed to be asleep¡ªand Simkha didn¡¯t want to deprive Tali of something as rare and precious as sleep. Simkha opened her mouth to ask Mika¡¯s opinion about waking Tali when¡ª Bang bang bang! Simkha jumped. By the time she had processed this new development and turned to face the front door, Mika had stood up, looked through the peephole, and pulled the door open. ¡°Oh¡­ hello.¡± purred Mika. ¡°Let¡¯s see. Short black hair. Trainers. And damn (!!!), you have great thighs beyb. You must be one of Simkha¡¯s well-fit jocks?¡± Leg Day stepped inside. She looked around with an unmoving expression. ¡°Good morning. Hi, Simkha. I hope I¡¯m not interrupting.¡± ¡°H-hey, uh, Leg Day,¡± said Simkha. ¡°She calls you Leg Day!¡± said Mika. ¡°That¡¯s so good! And I was already trying to convince her to introduce me to you and her other jocks. I¡¯m Mika! I used to be Simkha¡¯s TA, but I¡¯m just a regular friend now. Well, I say regular friend¡­ but I prefer to think of myself as Simkha¡¯s own Sapphic Sensei.¡± Leg Day slipped her trainers next to the other shoes by the door, pausing momentarily when Mika said ¡°Sapphic Sensei.¡± She held up a bag of takeaway from the Jericho. ¡°Sim-bob, I thought you seemed a little down last night. So I decided to swing by to show that we¡¯re serious about being friends. I brought an extra brekkie spread to bribe you with. Was still gonna drag you back to the Jericho, but I see you¡¯ve got something else going on.¡± Leg Day looked at the food, then at Simkha, then at Mika. ¡°Are we sure I¡¯m not interrupting anything? Is Sapphic Sensei a euphemism for girlfriend? Friend-with-benefits? Or¡­¡± Mika smirked and threw an arm around Leg Day. ¡°Nope! I¡¯m just a good friend. I¡¯m dating this total hottie studying at the Government School. I think of myself as Simkha¡¯s¡­ coach. She¡¯s fully available. And I want to help her open up to all the cute girls with an eye on her. In fact¡­ we should keep it down,¡± Mika bounced her eyebrows and gestured to Simkha¡¯s closed bedroom door. ¡°Simkha¡¯s got this cute little redhead asleep in her bed right now.¡± Leg Day looked to the bedroom door, then to the front door, then to Simkha. She nodded slowly. ¡°G*d damn it, Mika¡­¡± groaned Simkha. ¡°It¡¯s not like that. Leg Day, you are not interrupting anything, so please grab a chair. The girl in there is simply a friend who showed up last night and needed a place to crash. Didn¡¯t even kiss me.¡± Leg Day narrowed her eyes infinitesimally. ¡°Her loss,¡± deadpanned Leg Day. Mika looked at Simkha and raised an eyebrow. Simkha¡¯s eye twitched. ¡°So¡­¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Tell me about life as a Sapphic Sensei.¡± 1.9 – Meltdown Good-Arms Jock dragged Jennifer inside by the hand. She used her other hand to hold the front door open with the takeaway bag. She led the way up the stairwell to Simkha¡¯s flat. ¡°Ugh,¡± groaned Jen, ¡°wait up! Let¡¯s just text them! This place doesn¡¯t look right to me.¡± ¡°Come off it,¡± scoffed Good-Arms Jock. ¡°How do you not recognize the foyer? And anyway, have I ever led you wrong?¡± ¡°Hmph!¡± said Jen. ¡°You absolutely have. Remember looking for the pub-brary? Looking for Rekha¡¯s flat? Looking for Lecafre?¡± Good-Arms Jock scoffed. She didn¡¯t think of herself as an especially skilled navigator, but she did think of herself as the kind of person who knew her friends¡¯ strengths and weaknesses. For example, Jen had terrible navigation skills and zero spatial memory. Sure, Good-Arms Jock could text Simkha to come collect them from the street. But she was pretty certain that she would stress Simkha out if she asked. ¡°None of your examples count. All I did was stop to ask directions!¡± ¡°They bloody well do count,¡± insisted Jen. ¡°You thought we were already there when you knocked at the door.¡± ¡°Unbelievable,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Well, you can wait here while I ask for directions.¡± Good-Arms Jock fixed Jen with a stare that said behave yourself, then released Jen¡¯s hand to knock at the door. She rolled her eyes when Jen more-or-less hid behind her back. Simkha swung the door open. ¡°Sorry to bother you ma¡¯am,¡± said Good-Arms Jock,¡° can you give us directions to Simkha¡¯s flat from here?¡± ¡°Ughhh-h,¡± groaned Jen. Simkha¡¯s gaze flicked back and forth between Good-Arms Jock and Jennifer. She tilted her head like she was going to ask a question. But she left it, shaking the question off and plastering on a smile. ¡°...Yeah¡­ hi, you two! Come in! Thanks for being flexible, and coming here. I¡¯ve had a few¡­ uh¡­ life complications crop up since we talked last night. S-sorry for changing plans at the last-minute.¡± Good-Arms Jock smiled back, reassured Simkha, and thanked her for having everybody over. In truth, Good-Arms Jock preferred this meetup at Simkha¡¯s flat instead of meeting up at the Jericho. First, Good-Arms Jock wanted to sate her curiosity by snooping around Simkha¡¯s flat some more. Second, she was rather excited to meet another of Simkha¡¯s friends on campus. Good-Arms Jock couldn¡¯t help her curiosity about Simkha. Her interest had started with a convoluted football recruiting scheme but transformed into an odd interpersonal fascination. Her little obsession had quite annoyed Leg Day and Jen in the beginning. But she was convinced that Simkha would be the perfect friend to help Leg Day overcome her particular interpersonal anxieties, so she persisted until the others came around to team We Like Simkha. Simkha ushered the pair of new arrivals inside and nervously asked them to leave their shoes by the door. Simkha¡¯s flat looked about the same as it had yesterday night. It wasn¡¯t precisely cluttered, but it was distinctively arranged according to Simkha¡¯s unique sensibilities. For example, Simkha had a pair of bookcases against the wall where her little hallway met her main room. The cases were not divided into a section for books, a section for puzzles, a section for board games, and a section for art supplies. Instead, all the shelves were adjusted to a different height, and each shelf was filled with whichever books, puzzles, games, and art supplies that most closely fit on the shelf, then further sorted by color instead of use. Only the tallest shelf deviated from the scheme. That was because one end was left empty, then subsequently filled by a stack of magazines devoted to birding, or linguistics, or maybe politics. The top of the shelves were covered by plants and a few baskets of bric-a-brac apparently abandoned at random. Leg Day looked up from Simkha¡¯s little table, freezing in place with a slice of toast, avocado, and hot sauce halfway to her mouth. She wore a slight smirk and an athleisure top cut just high enough to permit the occasional glimpse of abs. She also wore that one pair of breezy athletic shorts¡ªthe ones that did the best job at complimenting the tone of her thighs. Leg Day¡¯s eyes twinkled as she caught Good-Arms Jock looking over her outfit, but just for a moment. Across from Leg Day sat a stylish pink-haired girl who Good-Arms Jock had noticed around town once or twice. Between them lay a spread of breakfast foods big enough to feed everybody present. Good-Arms Jock smiled at Simkha as she raised the bag of caff takeaway that she and Jen brought. ¡°Haha, oopsie I guess? I must have read your text wrong. Jen and me picked up takeaway for, like, three people. Good thing I love to eat so much?¡± Simkha blushed and looked at her feet. ¡°S-sorry about the misunderstanding. Maybe I can, uh, venmo you some money for all this?¡± ¡°It¡¯s nothing,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°This is just what I do.¡± Leg Day raised an eyebrow behind Simkha¡¯s back. Which was fair because if Leg Day had made the offer, then Good-Arms Jock would have accepted the money with no second thought. The difference was that Leg Day was a known quantity. A known quantity with a whole fucking trust-fund from a rich uncle. Perhaps more importantly, Leg Day probably wouldn¡¯t stress herself out if Good-Arms Jock admitted that she needed the money. Jen pulled herself forward and snatched the takeaway bag. ¡°Don¡¯t think she was just being polite either.¡± Jen ripped the top of the bag open. ¡°She means it, because of The Curse. She always shows up with a bunch of food that¡¯s not needed, or with no food when she was supposed to bring it. She knew she should have double-checked your message.¡± ¡°A curse?¡± said the pink-haired girl. ¡°I love a good curse story.¡± Simkha jumped, then scurried to the new girl¡¯s side to make introductions. ¡°Ah, shoot! You all don¡¯t know each other. Right, so¡­ this is my friend Mika.¡± Simkha tugged nervously at a dark green necklace. ¡°And Mika¡­ these are my friends: Jennifer and, well, Good-Arms Jock.¡± Mika stood up from the table, puffed out her chest, and beamed. On closer inspection, Mika looked unfairly fashionable in her outfit. She must have pulled it together from clothing bought at charity shops, given the constituent garments. She had transformed the motley collection of garments into a fashion masterclass. Good-Arms Jock couldn¡¯t figure out how she did it. ¡°Good-Arms!¡± said Mika ¡°Oh, I absolutely adore the nickname. Simkha texted me the story about blurting that out, and my girlfriend and I were obsessed about it all last night. But I get it. You look hot. Your whole fit is very G Flip¡ªI¡¯m sure you know the music video I¡¯m talking about.¡± Leg Day shifted to position herself behind Mika¡¯s back. She gave Good-Arms Jock a very-serious nod and presented an extremely dignified thumbs-up. ¡°Oh my god, stop-it,¡± Good-Arms Jock beamed. ¡°You¡¯re so sweet! I really like this outfit. I wear variations on it, like, twice a week. I didn¡¯t really set out to steal the look¡­ but you are, like, fully correct about the G Flip influence. I watched that video¡­ kind of a lot.¡± That was a lie, because Good-Arms Jock had knowingly and willfully stolen the look. She had made notes about the original fit with Leg Day. Then she had created a pinterest board to help get the vibes right. Her eyes drifted from Leg Day¡¯s face back to Mika. Huh. Look at that hemline. ¡°It¡¯s tailored!¡± exclaimed Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Your outfit! Oh, I couldn¡¯t figure out what it was! But that¡¯s why you look so fucking good! Shit, sorry you do look amazing. But your tailor is some kind of genius to make sure your clothes keep up with you so well. You look fit as fuck.¡± ¡°Thanks!¡± Mika beamed. ¡°I sewed it myself!¡± ¡°No way! Shut up!¡± ¡°Aaah! You¡¯re too kind! I¡¯m really pleased you like it; clothing compliments are pure dopamine for me right now. I just started to hit my stride with tailoring about a month ago. Before that, I couldn¡¯t lose the amateurish look. Just ask Simkha.¡± Simkha blinked, frumpling her face in an expression of befuddlement. ¡°Ohhh. That¡¯s why you¡¯ve looked so hot lately. That¡­ totally makes sense.¡± ¡°Oh my god,¡± Mika laughed and grinned at Simkha. ¡°I thought you knew! I thought you didn¡¯t say anything before because it looked bad.¡± If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. ¡°I thought ¡®I¡¯m staying in to work on my seams¡¯ was a euphemism for something that I didn¡¯t understand.¡± ¡°Maybe if I was ¡®staying in to work on Hrefna¡¯s seams,¡¯ ifyouknowwhatImean. Well I guess I¡¯m pleased that you didn¡¯t hate my sewing, if you were just too distracted by my overwhelming hotness.¡± Simkha groaned and flushed, burying her face behind shaky hands. ¡°I¡­ I just kind of assumed I was, like, relapsing. With that little crush I had on you when we first met.¡± Good-Arms Jock took a seat, relaxed, and let herself muse. Simkha was adorably easy to fluster. She was downright refreshing, with her total inability to hide her thoughts or dissemble. She was a tempting target for a spot of over-the-top flirting given her cute reactions. But she probably wouldn¡¯t take the teasing in the positive spirit that Good-Arms Jock intended, besides which she already looked a bit overwhelmed. The conversation moved on and Simkha seemed to throw herself into the role of hostess. She slipped away and unfolded more chairs, ensuring that everybody had a seat at the table if they wanted it. She busied herself with retrieving more dishes and serving utensils for the new food that Good-Arms Jock and Jen laid out. Simkha refilled her electric kettle and set it to boil. She polled the room for tea preferences. Good-Arms Jock decided she shouldn¡¯t try to draw Simkha further into the conversation right now. She remembered the look on Simkha¡¯s face last night when she was talking and happy about it. She also remembered Simkha¡¯s expression last night when she was overwhelmed, in pain, and on the verge of a meltdown. Right now, she thought Simkha was closer to a meltdown than to anything else. Good-Arms Jock shouldn¡¯t push Simkha when Simkha was already trying so hard. She surely had a surfeit of other stressors to deal with right now, given what she said about her test, her mental illness, her social anxiety, and her injuries. Unsurprisingly, Jen was grumpy. She was probably still pugnacious from being teased. She was probably even more grumpy because she was hung-over. In Good-Arms Jock¡¯s experience, Jen tended to mirror the behavior of anybody she was attracted to. That was one diagnostic tool that had led Good-Arms Jock to believe Jen had dormant sapphic impulses to awaken. Regardless, Jen had spent a lot of time last night checking out this one guy who Jen described as broody and mysterious, but Good-Arms Jock thought was surly and withdrawn. Jen was still mirroring that guy¡¯s surliness this morning. Good-Arms Jock could tell that something was going on with Leg Day, but not what. Good-Arms Jock was a bit flummoxed about this. Socially and emotionally, she was closer with Leg Day than she was with anybody else in the world. So she felt a touch of genuine fear when she considered the uncertainty. But no, she could get herself together. She would be fine. She would trust Leg Day to talk when she needed to talk. Jen and Leg Day had started arguing about what places were or weren¡¯t geographically part of the Eurocentrale when Mika leaned towards Simkha and gently asked a question. ¡°Hey beyb, are you all right? You haven¡¯t eaten anything yet. And, well, given our conversation earlier¡­¡± Simkha squirmed in her seat and looked around. She briefly made eye contact with Good-Arms Jock, but immediately looked away like Good-Arms Jock had challenged her to a fight. Simkha took a long, somewhat shaky breath. ¡°Well¡­ yeah. I¡­ I¡¯ve just got a bit of a stomach ache. Queasy, maybe? I don¡¯t know but maybe I ate something last night that had went off? Still, thanks for checking in. It makes me feel¡­ cared for? I appreciate you.¡± Simkha looked at her knees and stretched a wooden smile across her face. She blinked damp eyes. ¡°What the fuck?¡± exclaimed Jen. ¡°Fucking PARIS can NOT be in the Eurocentrale! France is geographically, like, half of the Euroccident!¡± Mika leaned closer to Simkha. ¡°I¡¯ll back off if you want, but you seem like you might feel better if you take a moment to yourself. Do you want me to play interference while you do that?¡± Simkha¡¯s brittle smile stretched even further, almost cracking. Was she about to cry? Did she feel overwhelmed by Mika¡¯s attention? Fuck! Good-Arms Jock wanted Simkha to have a good time, but she didn¡¯t know if she could even help Simkha do that. She decided not to insert herself into the conversation. But she didn¡¯t like her decision. ¡°...both cultural and economic exchange,¡± deadpanned Leg Day. ¡° Your average Parisian interacts more with Munich than with¡­¡± Simkha stared off into nothing, towards her bedroom door. She must have decided Good-Arms Jock was already part of the conversation because she caught Good-Arms Jock¡¯s eye and spoke up. She tugged anxiously at her necklace as she pushed the words out. ¡°Hey, uh, sorry I¡¯m being weird. Mika is just asking about¡­ well, I kind of had an episode last night. After you all left, I had a¡­ somewhat difficult time. Like, I had a hallucination-hallucination. Lucky for me, an old friend was nearby. She helped me out, then crashed here after. Except maybe I hallucinated her? I¡­ really hope she¡¯s asleep in my room right now. But maybe not? I¡¯m a little on edge about what is and what¡¯s not real. I just¡­ I hate not knowing. I hate this.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. Fuck. Did I think she was just paranoid last night when she said she was worried about delusions? I bet this is why Simkha wanted us to rethink whether we wanted to be friends with her. She didn¡¯t expect us to change our minds¡­ She expected us to really think about what it feels like to live with psychosis. Jen¡¯s argument had devolved into attempts to talk over Leg Day. Outside, the clouds let the sun escape and flood Simkha¡¯s flat with reflected brightness. ¡°Look,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I¡¯m sorry your night sucked. I¡­ I want to help if you decide you¡¯d enjoy my help. Like, I could go peek into your room and tell you if there¡¯s a girl in there.¡± ¡°No!¡± squeaked Simkha. ¡°Sorry, that was a weird thing for me to offer,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I won¡¯t force anything on you. I don¡¯t want to turn into one more nosy chick you have to deal with. So I¡¯ll try to give you room.¡± Simkha buried her head behind her knees, nodding yes. She clutched at her hair with white-knuckled hands. ¡° t h a n k s , ¡± Simkha sniffled. Good-Arms Jock looked at Mika. Fuck. Mika looked at Good-Arms Jock. Fuck, fuck. What were they supposed to do? Good-Arms Jock reached out a hand. She would give Simkha¡¯s shoulder a gentle, reassuring squeeze. She¡¯d evaluate how Simkha felt about that and decide what to do from there. Mika¡¯s eyes widened and she opened her mouth, but she was too late. Good-Arms Jock¡¯s hand landed gently on Simkha¡¯s shoulder. ¡°Aaa-aaa!¡± yelped Simkha. She jumped, flinching away from Good-Arms Jock¡¯s hand and falling out of her chair with a clatter. She curled up on the floor and covered her head with her hands. ¡°Fuck!¡± exclaimed Jen. ¡°What¡­ what happened?¡± ¡° s o r r y , ¡± cried Simkha. ¡° s h i t !?s o r r y ,?s o r r y !?j u s t?i g n o r e?m e . ¡± A car alarm started wailing on the street outside. ¡°Uh¡­ let¡¯s give her some air,¡± suggested Leg Day. She took Jen¡¯s hand and held her back. She reached her other hand out for Good-Arms Jock. Good-Arms Jock didn¡¯t mean to do this. She just wanted to be friends. She wanted to bring Simkha a nice breakfast. She wanted to make sure everybody felt comfortable. She wanted to help Simkha and Leg Day open up to each other. Good-Arms Jock took a deep breath. Come on. She could figure out this situation. She asked herself what was happening. You already know that don''t you, self? Simkha is having a meltdown. Fair point, self. But what does that mean? Well, self. You might have been right when you guessed she¡¯s autistic. Something in Simkha¡¯s room fell with a loud bang and clattered to the floor. ¡° s o r r y !?s o r r y ! ¡± wept Simkha. Come on, self. You read about this for class. What can you do? If we ask her what to do, will she be able to answer? The door to Simkha''s bedroom flew open with an even louder bang. A girl with no trousers on stood in the open doorframe. She blinked around the room, her eyes still puffy from sleep. She had frizzy red hair that obviously should have been protected overnight, but wasn¡¯t. She wore a chunky tan cable-knit sweater that just reached the tops of her thighs. Still no trousers. Rather plain, boring panties. And while she was no Leg Day, she did have fairly nice legs. Wait, don¡¯t stare. Good-Arms Jock shifted her gaze away, ultimately locking eyes with Leg Day. She put on a look of bemusement. ¡°Uun Cherff!¡± gasped the mystery girl ¡°Vous ksnentt stess chaanz kweey? Simkha! Cheers aat!¡± The mystery girl ran up to Simkha, stopping about a meter short to avoid touching her. She looked frantically around the flat. She ran back into the bedroom. Well this girl seems to know what to do. If she¡¯s an old friend, she must have learned how to help before? But did¡­ did Simkha and her¡­ The girl ran back out of the bedroom, still sans-trousers. Instead, she carried a small grey blanket. She lugged it like it weighed twenty pounds. It probably did, was probably one of those weighted blankets. The mystery girl grasped two corners of the blanket and threw the blanket across Simkha, covering her head. She ignored everybody¡¯s confused looks, and whispers. She cooed softly at Simkha in her strange foreign language. Shortly, the mystery girl had enticed Simkha to reach out from under the blanket and grasp her hand. She carefully helped Simkha stand up, still covered by the blanket, still sniffling. She led Simkha into her bedroom, which was nearly blackout dark. ¡° g * d ,¡± sniffled Simkha, ¡° i ¡¯ m?s o?e m b a r a s s i n g . ¡± The mystery girl spoke back, softly. Good-Arms Jock looked from Leg Day to Mika to Jen. ¡°Shit, was that our fault?¡± asked Mika. ¡°I just wanted her to have a good time,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Is this like a¡­ what was it called¡­ a psychosis thing?¡± asked Jen. ¡°Should we go?¡± asked Leg Day? ¡°Oh!¡± said Mika. ¡°Simkha! She¡¯s real! We see her too!¡± Simkha snorted and started laughing, which quickly turned into crying. After a half minute, the mystery girl stepped gingerly out of the bedroom. She closed the door and sighed. She still didn¡¯t have trousers on. Good-Arms Jock exchanged questioning looks with the other jocks and Mika. She cleared her throat and spoke as clearly as she could. ¡°So, uh, you¡¯re Simkha¡¯s old friend? What¡¯s your name?¡± ¡°Euhhh¡­¡± said the mystery girl. ¡°Annfann, uun cherff! Hmmm¡­ me¡­ English good no. Good no? Simkha¡­ happy me. Good?¡± 1.10 – Meeting the Stupidest Person in the Universe Dissociating this often couldn¡¯t be healthy. It felt like something Simkha should find a way to avoid. But she leaned into it instead. Simkha leaned into the dissociation for two reasons. First, she had regained a little bit of the ability to function when she started dissociating. She retained enough of a connection with her lived experience that she could instruct her body what to do and it would more-or-less obey her. But if she were fully present in her lived experience, then she didn¡¯t think she¡¯d be nearly this functional. Why? Because of her second reason for allowing the dissociation. Simkha¡¯s lived experience seemed like it would be really really unpleasant just then. And she had no desire to feel that shame, pain, and loathing. Simkha didn¡¯t know how long her body had been laying face-down in bed. She remembered almost nothing from the time between the beginning of her meltdown and when she started dissociating. She had felt less than human during that barrage of bright sounds, burning light, and deafening touches. Given her prior separation from reality, Simkha needed to take stock of her situation. She shuffled through her senses until she came across data from her ears. Her ears reported that Simkha¡¯s friends were still out in her flat¡¯s big room. Her ears noted the sharp tones of her friends¡¯ whispers and concluded that they were arguing about something. Her ears suggested that her friends were probably arguing about her. That suggested she hadn¡¯t been hiding in here for that long, because otherwise wouldn¡¯t her friends have already left? Simkha told her body to clean itself up. Her body crawled out from beneath her weighted blanket. It stood up and neatly replaced the blanket on her bed. It smoothed out her clothes and cleaned up her puffy eyes to the best of its ability. It started shuffling towards her bedroom door but she interrupted it before it got there. Simkha made herself take precautions against another sensory overload. She made her legs return her to her bedside table. She made her hands outfit her with ear plugs and sunglasses. Simkha returned to the bedroom door and stepped outside with careful, gentle movements. Simkha could just about handle the state of her flat with her hearing and light protection. Her windows were mostly covered by curtains but still let in enough light to irritate her eyes. Her walls were just thin enough to suffuse the room with street noise, overlain by her friends¡¯ whispers. Simkha¡¯s eyes found Tali hunched over the table, distractedly picking away at the breakfast spread. Tali was not wearing trousers. Simkha forced her eyes not to stare. Everybody else sat around the table too. Mika leaned towards Jennifer, whispering that ¡°....giving someone space can be a cop-out, but it doesn¡¯t have to be one.¡± Leg Day interjected whispers of her own¡ª¡°that¡¯s not the point, the point is that she wouldn¡¯t get space anyway, unless mystery-girl decides to leave too. And we can¡¯t exactly talk to¡­¡± Good-Arms Jock sat in the next seat over, chewing her lip, eyes fixed on her lap, momentarily glancing up at Leg Day. Jennifer was probably doing something, but she faced away from Simkha and her whispers were too muddled for Simkha to hear through her ear plugs. Simkha brought her body to the table. She stepped intentionally, moving her body with precision and posture that Mom Berlioz would approve of. She caught Mika¡¯s eye and put on a smile. ¡°Simkha! Hi!¡± ¡°Uh, hey,¡± started Simkha. Simkha flinched at the sound of her own voice. She¡¯d spoken much too loudly, even with her earplugs. Simkha quietened and gentled her voice before she continued. ¡°Hey, everybody. I want to apologize for acting like I did. I clearly don¡¯t have myself together. But I should have been more careful. I guess it¡¯s a sensory overload thing. I, uh, I just wanted to be clear that I¡¯m not, like, upset with any of you. Nothing like that. It¡¯s a me-problem.¡± ¡°Oh, beyb,¡± said Mika. ¡°Are you okay?¡± said Jennifer. ¡°I¡¯m really sorry,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I think I acted like a dumbass. I¡¯m sure I could have dealt with that situation better.¡± Simkha furrowed her brow. She didn¡¯t know how to answer any of this. ¡°Look,¡± asked Leg Day, ¡°is it okay that we¡¯re still here? We were just talking about whether we should stay here and try to be supportive, or go and give you space.¡± ¡°And,¡± said Jennifer, ¡°like, absolutely no hard feelings if you do want us to go. You¡¯re allowed to want space.¡± ¡°Either way is fine,¡± agreed Good-Arms Jock. Simkha had no idea whether it was okay or not. She took a moment to arrange her mouth into a smile. She thought she should look pensive, so she had her body lean back and cross her arms. ¡°Thanks, you all. You¡¯re all so kind. But I¡¯m just¡­ just not sure. About what is¡­¡± Simkha tried to think through the problem. She did feel an urge to be alone. She thought she could deal with her emotions more easily if she didn¡¯t have to worry how her friends felt. But she was already worried that her friends might feel slighted or unwanted if she told them to go. Simkha didn¡¯t precisely forget their offer to leave, but she couldn¡¯t help but think ¡°no hard feelings¡± sounded a bit like a white lie. Like there was some hidden subtext. Besides, Simkha was pretty sure that interpersonal emotional support was supposed to be healthy. Simkha sighed. ¡°I don¡¯t understand what¡¯s going on with me, or why I¡¯m like this. Or how to deal with any of this. I don¡¯t know if there¡¯s a normal way to deal with any of this, or how to figure it out if there is.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± Good-Arms Jock flushed and looked at her lap. ¡°Well, I might have some ideas for you. But I think maybe we should give it a day or two before we talk more. I don¡¯t think my ideas would be too useful right now, anyway.¡± ¡°Well that seems fair since I¡¯m not very useful either.¡± Mika gave Simkha the stink-eye. ¡°Hey! No negative self-talk.¡± ¡°Huh. That was negative. You¡¯re right. Sorry.¡± Tali had followed the conversation with her eyes, although she visibly couldn¡¯t understand what people were saying. She did look distracted, no longer picking at the food. ¡°Simkha¡­¡± said Tali, ¡°euhhh¡­ happy Simkha? Talk happy Simkha me?¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I think,¡± suggested Mika, ¡°she might be asking to talk? Or¡­ maybe she¡¯s asking if you¡¯d feel happier if you talk to her?¡± Simkha took a moment to center herself. Her heart was beating faster than normal. She would feel happy about talking with Tali, wouldn¡¯t she? ¡°I¡­ I¡­ uh,¡± Simkha shrugged nervously. ¡°Yes. I¡ªSimkha would be happy. If Tali and Simkha talk?¡± Mika and Good-Arms Jock shared a look. ¡°Good,¡± said Tali. ¡°Tali happy.¡± Tali reached out and gave one of Simkha¡¯s hands a little squeeze. ¡°Simkha happy Tali happy.¡± Simkha¡¯s heart raced¡ªba-dum ba-dum ba-dum. ¡°So, Simkha, you said this was an old friend of yours?¡± Simkha blanched. A moment ago she was just about too gay to function. Now she felt too panicky to function. Her stomach twisted and her hands trembled. ¡°Uh, are you okay?¡± interjected Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Maybe you could just introduce everybody instead?¡± Simkha closed her eyes. She took a deep breath. She stood up straighter. She imagined herself rising up and out of her body. She imagined herself leaving behind all the sensory noise. She imagined herself as cool, calm, and collected. She wanted these people to be her friends, didn¡¯t she? She wanted to share this, didn¡¯t she? ¡°D-do you remember what I told you last night about my imaginary friend? About when I was a kid. When I had a best friend. And she turned out to be a delusion. All in my head?¡± Simkha directed her eyes to open and look around the room. Tali appeared uncertain but determined. Everybody else looked¡­ well they didn¡¯t look normal. They had a lot of wide eyes and raised brows. ¡°Well, my best friend¡­ I never saw her again after they diagnosed me. She was there one day, then she was gone. I refused to believe it. I missed her so much, they had to prove to me she wasn¡¯t real. They had to do interviews with my other friends and show me videos and everything.¡± Simkha¡¯s throat was tight, so tight. It didn¡¯t want her to keep talking. Simkha made her body force the words out anyway. ¡°Well, the thing is¡­ this is her. My imaginary friend. She showed up last night during a hallucination. I thought she was a hallucination. But, uh. This is Tali.¡± Everybody stared at Simkha. Everybody stared at Tali. Tali shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She looked at her lap. She looked back up. A corner of her mouth twitched smilewards and she raised an open hand. ¡°Sluu vous!¡± said Tali. ¡°Euh¡­ Pell wiis Tali! Talitha Kohen!¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. Mika turned her gaze to Simkha, then back to Tali, then back to Simkha, before settling on Tali. She put a hand to her chest and smiled. ¡°Mika! Mika Sano!¡± ¡°Uh¡­¡± Good-Arms Jock gave a little wave. ¡°Good-Arms Jock. I guess?¡± ¡°Hi Tali,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°L¨ªdia.¡± ¡°What?¡± said Simkha. ¡°L¨ªdia,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°It¡¯s my name.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I am¡­ very stupid. Of course your name isn¡¯t ¡®Leg Day.¡¯ I¡­ just because you didn¡¯t correct me¡­ right.¡± ¡°That doesn¡¯t mean I don¡¯t prefer my new nickname,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°I¡­ okay. Still, I should remember your real name, too. L¨ªdia, like L¨ªdia Lisboa, right? Leg Day gave Simkha an unintelligible look. ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. ¡°What does that look mean? Not like L¨ªdia Lisboa. Are you a big Anti?¡± ¡°Oh, it¡¯s not important.¡± Leg Day shrugged. ¡°I¡¯ll explain later.¡± ¡°Right, sorry,¡± said Simkha. ¡°AHEM,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Don¡¯t mind me over here! Yeah? I¡¯m Jennifer. Jennifer Hue!¡± ¡°Byeen,¡± said Tali. She looked around the table, pointing to each person in turn ¡°euh¡­ Mika, Gudrmarmazaj¡­ Gamarjazz¡­ Garmz-Jok? E L¨ªdia. E Jneffner. E Simkha! E plaays uu le sluu!¡± Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings. Jennifer poked Good-Arms Jock. ¡°...too wordy,¡± mouthed Jennifer. Good-Arms Jock frowned. She looked at Leg Day. ¡°Am I being self-centered about the nickname thing?¡± ¡°You mean more than usual?¡± ¡°I hate you,¡± pouted Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I love you too, babe.¡± Good-Arms Jock slumped in her seat. Leg Day gave her shoulder a gentle, reassuring squeeze. Good-Arms Jock leaned into it. Simkha fidgeted where she stood. She brought her hands together in front of her. ¡°So, um. You all see Tali too, right? Tali is, like, real. Right?¡± ¡°Right.¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Right.¡± ¡°Yuppp.¡± ¡°Euh¡­ splendd wiist Tali, wiil?¡± ¡°She¡¯s real¡­¡± muttered Simkha. ¡°And you¡¯re sure she¡¯s, like, your Tali?¡± asked Mika. ¡°I guess,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I¡¯m as sure as I can be. She looks like my Tali, but all grown up. She recognized me right away, even though I hadn¡¯t seen her since I was ten. My Tali was also Talitha Kohen. If she¡¯s not the same Tali, then I think that¡¯s about as likely as the chance I¡¯m hallucinating all of you. And if I¡¯m hallucinating all of you¡­ well I might as well buy in to that hallucination.¡± Mika put on a reassuring smile. ¡°Well, that makes sense to me. I guess she must be your Tali.¡± Simkha blinked her eyes. Oh, tears. Simkha had tears in her eyes. Yup. Keep it up, eyes. Blink blink blink. ¡°Earlier,¡± said Mika, ¡°you told me that you hallucinated Tali doing magic. Well¡­ if Tali is real¡­ what was the ¡®magic¡¯ you saw?¡± Simkha thought for a moment. She decided the HUD would be the easiest ¡°hallucination¡± to reproduce. She asked herself whether she was supposed to keep the HUD a secret. Well, Tali never said anything about keeping it secret? ¡°Do you guys know what a HUD is?¡± asked Simkha. ¡°As in a ¡®heads-up-display.¡¯ Well, Tali gave me a kind of techno-magic HUD. Last night, she gave me this necklace that projects one.¡± Simkha pointed at the necklace chain tucked into her top. ¡°And,¡± Simkha continued. ¡°I think the display is supposed to be about, well, me. Like, it¡¯s about me if I was a sim. A sim from the computer game The Sims. Like, Will Wright and Maxis, that The Sims.¡± ¡°EA,¡± said Jennifer. Everybody looked at Jennifer. ¡°Sorry,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Just¡­ I like the Sims. And EA bought out Maxis before The Sims 1. It was, like, before we were born.¡± ¡°Fucking nerd,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Do you have needs bars?¡± asked Jennifer. ¡°I¡­ guess so?¡± said Simkha. ¡°I see needs bars, but it¡¯s probably all a hallucination. And they don¡¯t exactly¡­ work.¡± ¡°Can you see it now?¡± asked Jennifer. ¡°See your HUD, I mean?¡± ¡°Ahh, no.¡± Simkha pulled the necklace pendant out of her top, but kept it flipped over. ¡°I¡¯ve been keeping it face-down, like this. It only projects from the other side. But you won¡¯t be able to see it anyway. At least, I don¡¯t think Tali was able to see mine last night. I think she had one too, but I couldn¡¯t see it. I couldn''t actually see the reflection of mine in a mirror, either.¡± Simkha ran her finger along the edge of the pendant. She looked at Tali with questioning eyes. Tali gave her a little smile. Simkha flipped her pendant over. Her HUD appeared. ¡°Now I can see it,¡± said Simkha. ¡°So unless you all see it too, then I guess I¡¯m still a crazy person.¡± Nobody spoke for a moment. ¡°I see it,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°What?¡± said Simkha. ¡°What?¡± said Mika. ¡°What?¡± said Good-Arms Jock and Leg Day. ¡°Uhhh,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°I mean. Like. I kind of see it? I see something that¡¯s reflecting off your eyes? It appeared when you flipped your pendant. And now your eyes are almost¡­ sparkling.¡± ¡°Oh shit,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°But¡­ I¡¯m crazy,¡± said Simkha. ¡°She¡¯s right,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Look at Tali,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Fuck me, you¡¯re right!¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°It¡¯s¡­ her eyes. Her eyes are sparkling in that same weird way.¡± ¡°But then what¡¯s the catch?¡± muttered Simkha. ¡°Does this¡­ does this mean I¡¯m not crazy?¡± The others all exchanged looks. Tali pulled a handkerchief out of her jumper sleeve and wiped away Simkha¡¯s tears. But Simkha¡¯s tears just kept coming. ¡°Hmm.¡± Tali gestured at her eyes, then at the others. ¡°See¡­ Tali, Mika, Garmz-jok, L¨ªdya, Jneffnrr¡­ see HUD? Happy Simkha? Faarv rouys lii Simkhas lee ksnentt?¡± ¡°Do you think she¡¯s asking what I think she¡¯s asking?¡± asked Mika. ¡°I think she¡¯s offering to make Simkha¡¯s HUD visible,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Is that okay? I wanna see it!¡± said Jennifer. Simkha was sure the anxiety in her stomach would overwhelm her if she let herself feel it. ¡°Okay,¡± Simkha heard herself say. ¡°Yes. I consent?¡± Tali stood up next to Simkha. Tali faced her from about five inches away. Tali grasped Simkha¡¯s pendant and leaned in. Tali brought the pendants together until they clicked into place. Sparkling lights of blue and viridian burst to life from the facets where the pendants met. ¡°Ooh, pretty,¡± said Jennifer. A blue popup appeared across most of Simkha¡¯s vision. It was covered in a long list of alien glyphs. At the bottom were two buttons, each with one glyph inside. Tali gestured towards the left button. ¡°Yes, yes?¡± said Tali. ¡°Lii grass ¡®s voust.¡± Simkha reached out and tried to press the button. Her hand passed right through it. ¡°Uun cherff! Annfann!¡± Tali looked embarrassed. Tali crossed her arms and made a face like she was busy. Her eyes flitted here and there, navigating some part of her own HUD. Simkha saw another popup box appear in front of the first. This second box listed fewer glyphs than the first, but the two buttons at the bottom were labeled the same way as before. Tali gestured near the left button again. ¡°Yes?¡± Simkha touched the floating ¡®yes¡¯ button. The button activated and the whole front popup changed color. Then it collapsed into a ball of light that flew into one of the icons along the side of Simkha¡¯s HUD and disappeared. ¡°Yes!¡± Tali repeated, gently pushing Simkha¡¯s hand towards the ¡®yes¡¯ button on the first popup. Simkha pressed that button. Simkha¡¯s entire HUD changed color, flickered, and then disappeared. The glowing facets around the pendants flared extra bright, then a cone of light shone out from one side. It illuminated a swath of Simkha¡¯s kitchen wall like a projector showing in a darkened theatre. It showed the same display as Simkha¡¯s HUD did. ¡°HUD you!¡± announced Tali, triumphantly. ¡°Oh my god,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°It¡¯s Sim Simkha.¡± ¡°It¡¯s all real,¡± breathed Jennifer. Simkha closed her eyes and hid her face with her hands. She choked up. She couldn¡¯t imagine how this could be real. Why was this all happening? Wasn¡¯t she supposed to be crazy? Wasn¡¯t she crazy? She couldn¡¯t brush away all her tears. ¡°Hmmm.¡± Tali laid a comforting hand on Simkha¡¯s arm. When Simkha wiped her tears away, she saw Tali frowning at the bottom of Simkha¡¯s HUD. Tali pointed to the status bars, colored grey and flickering like static. ¡°Good no.¡± Tali looked at Simkha ¡°Where good no?¡± ¡°What?¡± said Simkha. ¡°Uh,¡± said Mika. ¡°I don¡¯t get it either,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Annfann!¡± said Tali. Tali furrowed her brow for a moment. She looked at Simkha. She looked at Simkha¡¯s HUD. She looked at Simkha. She pointed at one of the status bars. ¡°Eat,¡± said Tali. ¡°Where eat?¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Tali. ¡°Maybe¡­ maybe she wants you to, like, point to where the bar should go to if it showed how hungry you are?¡± suggested Jennifer. ¡°That¡­ seems reasonable,¡± said Mika. Simkha checked in with her stomach. Yep, her stomach still felt weird, hated her, and refused to give her any information. Simkha looked at Tali and shrugged. ¡°Auhhh!¡± groaned Tali. Tali looked Simkha up and down. She narrowed her eyes. Simkha shivered. Tali pointed to an analog clock on the wall. ¡°Eat Simkha where?¡± asked Tali. ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Oh, she must want to know when you last ate?¡± said Mika. ¡°Or she¡¯s asking when she can¡ª¡± started Leg Day. Good-Arms Jock silenced Leg Day with a glare. ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Did you have breakfast?¡± asked Mika. Simkha shook her head no. ¡°What about dinner last night?¡± ¡°Uhhh.¡± Simkha shook her head no. ¡°A snack?¡± ¡°Mug of hot cocoa?¡± ¡°A solid food snack?¡± Simkha shook her head no. ¡°Simkha,¡± said Good Arms Jock. ¡°Lunch yesterday?¡± asked Mika. Simkha shook her head no. ¡°Oh my god,¡± said Good Arms Jock. ¡°Simkha,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Queen,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Simkha?¡± said Tali. ¡°Not good,¡± said Mika. ¡°Eat Simkha¡­ not good?¡± ¡°Not good!¡± affirmed Good Arms Jock. Tali ran her fingers into her curls and groaned. She let out an exasperated laugh. She bowed her head and leaned against Simkha¡¯s chest. She took a deep breath. She grasped Simkha¡¯s arms. Tali looked up into Simkha¡¯s gaze with wide, slightly crazed eyes. ¡°Eat!¡± ¡°But I¡¯m not hungry?¡± said Simkha. ¡°Eat!¡± ¡°I mean. Okay. Yes. Sorry.¡± Tali looked at Simkha¡¯s projected display for a half second. Simkha¡¯s status bar for hunger flashed red, then the whole projection disappeared. Tali and Simkha¡¯s necklace pendants un-linked and fell apart. Simkha¡¯s normal HUD reappeared in her field of vision, but now the ¡°Eat¡± status bar was red, and empty. Tali pulled Simkha¡¯s body into a seat at the table. Tali grabbed a piece of toast and spread a little butter on it. She held it up to Simkha¡¯s mouth. ¡°Eat!¡± commanded Tali. Simkha¡¯s eyes stared at the toast. Her stomach continued to send nonsensical protests, angrily decrying the idea of food. But Simkha was a tyrant. She made her body take a bite. Simkha stared at the toast. The toast was incredible. It was soft in the middle and crunchy on the outside, and¡­ it was food. Simkha felt her eyes stop crying. She felt her stomach stop twisting. She felt her hands stop shaking. She felt herself be pulled back into her body as the boundary that had separated her dissolved into nothing. ¡°Oh my G*d,¡± mumbled Simkha. ¡°I¡¯m¡­ hungry. I was hungry this whole time¡­¡± Hesitantly, Simkha took off her sunglasses. She realized the room was bright, but not so bright it hurt. She took out her earplugs. She realized that the room was kind of quiet. She thought about the feeling of her thighs pushed up against the edge of her seat. That touch was completely bearable. Simkha looked up at Tali, then at everybody else. Everybody else who was still here and putting up with her because they wanted to be¡­ friends? ¡°I am the stupidest person in the universe. This food¡­ this is great. I feel great. Thank you. Thank you for being here.¡± Simkha ate. She ate toast. She ate baked beans on toast. She ate fried mushrooms on baked beans on toast. She ate avocado toast. She ate fried eggs on a bagel and banana bread with yogurt and a tart forest fruit compote. She ate vegan sausage. She ate vegetarian sausage. She ate shakshuka. She drank a sugary, frilly soy latte that Mika produced out of nowhere. Simkha laughed as she ate and cried some happy tears. She didn''t feel on-edge or terrified. She enjoyed having friends around, enjoyed how they laughed alongside her as she tried to explain how she couldn¡¯t tell she was hungry. She enjoyed chattering over the table. She looked up and saw Tali. Tali was all grown up. And so pretty. She smiled. She felt warm when Tali smiled back. She felt¡­ yeah¡­ she felt happy. Eventually Simkha finished eating and leaned back in her seat. Tali reached over and placed three fingers on Simkha¡¯s belly, about two inches above her belly button. Simkha felt a mix of embarrassment and excitement. ¡°Eat happy Simkha?¡± asked Tali. ¡°Simkha happy,¡± said Simkha. Tali smiled and leaned back in her own seat. Tali navigated through her HUD with eye movements. A pop-up with ¡®yes¡¯ and ¡®no¡¯ buttons appeared across Simkha¡¯s HUD. Simkha pressed the ¡®yes¡¯ button after Tali gave a little confirmatory nod. Simkha¡¯s hunger status bar changed color from red to a cheery blue, and it filled all the way up to full. But now, the line that denoted how full it was seemed to breathe in and out almost imperceptibly. It looked alive, like it was moving but without actually moving. Especially in comparison to the seven grey, dead, static-filled bars around it. It had to be working now. Simkha smiled. She chuckled to herself. She went through all that drama and had a meltdown¡­ just because she was hungry? She was so stupid. She thought it was hilarious. ¡°So Simkha,¡± said Good-Arms Jock, ¡°What language does Tali keep talking in? You were best friends, so do you speak it too? Or did you, like, used to speak it?¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Yeah that¡­ makes sense. But I have no idea what language that is. I remember talking to her, but I only knew English back then?¡± Simkha had no idea what to make of Tali¡¯s language problem. 2.1 – List of Things Simkha Doesnt Understand Simkha took one of her birdseye-view landscapes off the wall of her little kitchen. She stashed the painting behind her wardrobe and pulled out a medium-small whiteboard she had stored back there. She measured a length of hanging wire and epoxied it to the inside-back of the whiteboard frame. As the resin set, she packed and stored the left-over food from the morning¡¯s excessive breakfast. When the resin had fully attached frame to wire, she hung the whiteboard on the wall where the painting had been. Simkha took a whiteboard marker out of her pen jar and began to write. She made a face at the dry marker, re-capped it, and inverted it so the ink would come out the next time she tried to use it. She tested out two more markers before she found one that wrote. She began to write.
simkha needs to figure out 1. talitha 2. HUD i guess? 3. ?????
Simkha cleared the whiteboard with a frown. Just what was she trying to figure out here? After her breakfast-time meltdown, Simkha had asked for a little time and space to herself. She told her friends that she needed ¡°to recover¡± and ¡°to process everything that¡¯s happening for long enough that I can use human words to talk about it.¡± Simkha¡¯s friends had agreed to go elsewhere after breakfast. Mika had taken Simkha¡¯s request in stride, while the jocks had traded uncertain glances and raised brows. ¡°What about Tali,¡± Mika had asked. ¡°Fuuuck,¡± Simkha had said. ¡°I keep forgetting she doesn¡¯t speak English any more. I don¡¯t understand it at all.¡± ¡°You weren¡¯t able to figure out what she wants either?¡± ¡°Ughhh, no.¡± Simkha had felt so frustrated. ¡°I guess¡­ she got upset when I tried to take off this jewelry? And I think she¡¯s a little annoyed by how badly my clothes fit her.¡± Simkha and Mika had turned their eyes on Tali, who was once again rolling up the cuffs of the too-baggy clothes she borrowed from Simkha. The sight made Simkha¡¯s chest feel weird. Mika, by contrast, seemed to be sizing Tali up with a tailor¡¯s eye. ¡°I¡¯ll take her home.¡± ¡°Take her¡­ home¡­¡± Simkha frowned and looked around the room. ¡°You¡­ you¡¯re going to lend her clothes? ¡°Nah.¡± Mika had grinned. ¡°I¡¯m going to make Hrefna lend her clothes.¡± Simkha had a conversation with Tali after that. While the conversation had involved more miming and gestures than actual words, Simkha was still pretty sure that Tali agreed with the basic gist of the plan. So Simkha stayed at her flat while everybody else left. And now Simkha couldn¡¯t concentrate on the task she had given herself because she couldn¡¯t stop thinking about Tali. Her mind¡¯s eye presented images of Tali and Mika chatting in her sewing nook, Tali looking through a closet with Hrefna, Tali chatting with the jocks while Mika measured her. Simkha felt grumpy about it. Simkha felt¡­ she almost felt jealous. But that didn¡¯t make any fucking sense to her. Like, Simkha would understand why she might feel jealous in other circumstances. For example, if she thought somebody would try to hook up with Tali. Simkha fully understood that she had a little crush on Tali. She thought she must have constructed it by taking memories of their childhood intimacy and stitching it onto Tali¡¯s current hotness. But even allowing for a crush, Simkha didn¡¯t understand why she felt jealous. She had literally asked for everybody to let her be alone. She had basically asked Mika to find Tali better-fitting clothes. And Simkha wanted her friends to get along with Tali. Didn¡¯t she? But Simkha still felt agitated and itchy, knowing that Tali was so near by and Simkha was doing anything but finding her. But Simkha needed time and space to think. But it should be Simkha with Tali, goddammit. Just the two of them, sharing a dozen years of pent up bug facts, school stories, and silly little jokes that would keep Tali doubled over laughing for hours. But if Simkha just ran after Tali, then she¡¯d just make Tali feel suffocated. But¡­ But¡­ But Simkha was going to get herself in trouble if she didn¡¯t sort out her feelings.
list of things simkha doesn¡¯t understand 1. i feel jealous & possessive about tali a. i shouldnt feel this way, right? i. ive got no right to feel this way ii. tali shouldnt have to deal with my unreasonable feelings iii. how do i feel healthy feelings instead? b. why do i feel all jealous & possessive? i. childhood closeness?+tali is hot now?=?frankenstein crush? ii. i thought she was my hallucination?¡ú?i thought she was mine? iii. horny goblin simkha?+?tali is hot now?=????? c. are the interpersonal power and control dynamics bad? i. she might not feel like she has a choice besides relying on me ii. does she have anywhere else she can go? a. i cant know without talking to her iii. make her friends w/ my friends?=?she has other couches to crash on? iv. she might have tons of choices i don¡¯t know about a. she kind of has magic? b. she must have some means for travel because where else did she come from? This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
Simkha frowned and walked away from her whiteboard. She looked at her HUD, showing that her hunger was at eighty percent¡­ maybe eighty-one percent of optimal. She let her eyes drift over the the people walking Walton St. below her flat. Simkha was able to accept a certain amount of upheaval. She could just about fathom that Tali was real, especially after Mika and her new friends all agreed they could see and hear her. She could just about believe that her HUD was real because hey, it was some sort of technology and Simkha had studied 18th century penmanship instead of tech engineering. But Simkha had no idea what to make of Tali¡¯s apparent magic. Tali had to be magic, right? She had definitely let herself into Simkha¡¯s flat the first time by a minor feat of time travel. She had rescued Simkha from that weird incident where she was wrestling her past self. She had made that jewelry levitate in the air, staying firmly rooted in space despite Simkha being crushed up against it. And she had repeatedly moved objects along that impossible axis. Simkha blinked. Tali had moved objects along that impossible axis. And when Simkha tried it, she¡¯d been able to move along that axis too. Simkha grabbed a bracelet and pushed. She squashed it against her arm. She couldn¡¯t find the right direction to push it in. She persevered, shifting her focus over and over just so. And then finally Simkha could see it again: a whole extra direction along a stubby little spatial axis. How was she seeing this? It looked unbelievably normal, matter-of-fact, and impossible to miss but for the fact that Simkha knew she couldn¡¯t see it a minute ago. Simkha moved her bracelet one way and then the other along that axis. Moving it in one direction made it feel thicker and get heavier. Moving it back in the other direction made it feel thinner and less dense.. This was fucking magic. What else could you call it? But could Simkha claim that this magic dimension was real just because Tali and her HUD seemed real too? Simkha sighed and walked back to the whiteboard.
2. does all this shit mean i¡¯m not crazy? a. am i still hallucinating? i. something caused my past-me shower freakout last night ii. what is this new dimension ? iii. learn to talk to tali = learn more? b. is this tali really the same tali i remember? i. no clue whether this is falsifiable ii. but there was no reason for my moms to forget her as a kid iii. but she doesn¡¯t speak english c. i could be crazy in ways i dont know i. if i am, i might not be able to tell ii. i don¡¯t know how to get a doctor to figure it out for me d. my moms will definitely freak out when they hear: i. i can see tali again ii. other people see tali again iii. my treatment for psychosis might have been wrong e. i couldnt sit for my exam yesterday i. why? ii. is it even a related issue? iii. what happens when you fail a module? iv. do i have to show my face to that professor ever again?
Simkha thought about how to test whether she was crazy. She thought her problem was that she was seeing magic. How could she falsify magic when the whole point of magic is that it does the inexplicable. She considered looking for a fantasy novel where someone dealt with this same issue. Maybe she could mine that for ideas. She half-remembered hearing about a fantasy series with a main character who was sent to a world that he refused to believe was real. Simkha never actually read the series because it was supposed to include a significant amount of sexual violence and Simkha did not care to turn into a useless sad-sack for weeks. But what was that series called? Thomas something? Thomas Chronicle? Thomas Cormorant? What about that series Katalepsis? Why had Simkha stopped reading it? She remembered a schizophrenic protagonist, a hidden magical world, and¡­ oh. Right. It was spooky. It was too spooky for Simkha, at least. She had lost sleep over it. Simkha tried to stop herself, but her occipital lobe had already recalled the mental image of a creepy giant sky-eye hovering over a blasted landscape and weird chupacabra-looking gremlin beasts. Simkha shivered and felt her stomach roil. Don¡¯t think about it. Don¡¯t think about it. Think of anything else. Think of a pink elephant. Think about your surroundings. Think about that whiteboard. That wall. Fridge. Range. Counter. Tea. HUD. HUD. Right. This HUD was a major and confusing new development in Simkha¡¯s life. She should think it through.
3. what do i do with my HUD? a. might be unexpected ways i could use this thing i. like, could my hunger status bar tell me anything more than ¡°you need to eat¡± or ¡°you don¡¯t need to eat?¡± ii. help me track how much i eat? iii. does it just measure, or can it change my body? b. i need to get my other status bars working i. i will actually die of embarassment anxiety if i have to ask tali to calibrate ¡°sex¡± for me c. what is all this stuff that isn¡¯t status bars? i. i don¡¯t understand these icons ii. i can¡¯t read anything iii. maybe i can teach the HUD english? iv. maybe i can learn¡­ whatever language this is? d. why was tali so desperate for me to wear this HUD stuff?
Simkha chewed her lip. She couldn¡¯t think of any other questions about this whole mess. She capped the marker and stepped back to look at her list. She had had to scrunch up her writing at the end because she was running out of room. Simkha felt tired after the effort of puzzling out just which mysteries had made her feel overwhelmed. But looking at them written down on a list like this, she felt far less overwhelmed. Simkha felt¡­ pretty good. Her breathing was calm and steady. Her heartbeat was sedate and relaxed. Her muscles felt comfortably loose. She felt ready to talk about things. She should find out what the others were¡ª BZZZ¡­ Simkha¡¯s phone burst into loud vibrations. BZZZ, BZZZ, BZZZ, BZZZ¡­ Simkha wrestled down her instinctive panic. She snatched her phone off the counter. Leg Day was audio-calling her. Simkha answered the call. ¡°Simkha, can you hear me?¡± asked Leg Day. ¡°Sure.¡± ¡°We lost Tali.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°Tali. We lost her.¡± Simkha squinched her eyes shut and rubbed her face. ¡°How¡ªno¡­ where did you lose her?¡± ¡°Outside Last Bookshop. I had hoped she just went back to your flat.¡± ¡°No. She¡¯s not here.¡± Simkha¡¯s heart was racing and the whole world felt bright and loud. But for reasons Simkha didn''t understand, she wasn¡¯t panicking either. She felt more serene and controlled than she ever did on a normal day. She must be having a fight or flight reaction. She saw her hunger meter jump up to ninety-five percent of optimal, then fall to fifty percent, then jump to one-hundred percent, then blink all the way down to three percent in less than a second. ¡°...¡± ¡°...¡± ¡°So, any idea where we might find her?¡± ¡°I¡¯m on my way. Keep one person by the bookshop. Everybody else should look for her at pastry shops nearby. I¡¯ll leave my flat door unlocked in case she returns.¡± Simkha grabbed her keys, jammed trainers on her feet, and raced out the door. 2.2 – Moving, Even Though It Seems Impossible Simkha ran the two-and-a-half minute stretch of Walton Street down to the Last Bookshop. She found Leg Day pacing the pavement between the shop and the intersection with Little Clarendon. She slowed down to catch her breath over the last ten or so meters. ¡°No luck?¡± panted Simkha. Leg Day met Simkha¡¯s gaze wearing an ambiguous facial expression. ¡°No,¡± she said. ¡°Georgie and Jennifer are up Little Clarendon.¡± She gestured down the street going east, past the small brick structures, past the huge modernist monolith, towards the facing rows of bustling porticoed shops. ¡°They¡¯re asking if anybody¡¯s seen Tali. All the easiest places to get lost are that way.¡± Leg Day gestured north behind Simkha before she continued. ¡°Cafe over there¡¯s the only other place we found to check. The Opera. Nowhere else nearby fit the bill.¡± Simkha nodded. She turned about and examined the cityscape. She shot Leg Day the most confident smile she could manage. ¡°Okay,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I can¡¯t think of anywhere else to look either. Uh. Thank you. I¡­ it¡¯s good of you to do so much for her. Maybe we should collect Jennifer and Good-Arms Jock. Then go back to Mika at her house and, like, talk through what to do next. Yeah?¡± Leg Day relaxed her face and returned the smile. ¡°That makes sense. Let¡¯s go get the girls.¡± Simkha hustled up Little Clarendon, Leg Day half a step behind. Simkha did her best to think about the situation as they moved, but kept being distracted by the breathless tension in her shoulders. Leg Day caught up to Simkha. She took a deep breath before speaking. ¡°Have you ever dealt with something like this?¡± asked Leg Day. ¡°Well,¡± Simkha breathed while her brain parsed the question. ¡°I, uh, I guess there was that one time Tali disappeared. But that was different because I was a ten year old back then. And this time you all saw her and remember her and aren¡¯t telling me she¡¯s a delusion. So this time I¡¯m confident she exists.¡± ¡°Fair enough.¡± ¡°What about you?¡± asked Simkha. ¡°Have I ever dealt with a missing friend who¡¯s also a foreigner and maybe also a magician?¡± asked Leg Day. "..." said Simkha. ¡°I have not," said Leg Day. "..." said Simkha. ¡°The missing girl was more of a prophetess than a magician last time," said Leg Day. Simkha leveled a look at Leg Day. ¡°So,¡± said Simkha. ¡°You¡¯ve never dealt with, like, missing persons before?¡± "Missing persons?" said Leg Day. "But... hmm. She is a person. And we can''t find her." "And she''s alone in the city where she doesn''t speak the language," said Simkha. "And she doesn''t know the culture. And, uh..." "And?" asked Leg Day. "And... I''m probably freaking out because I''m scared to lose her again," groaned Simkha. "Yeah," said Leg Day. "Sounds reasonable." "Ugh," said Simkha. ¡°But also,¡± said Leg Day, "I don''t know anything about missing people. So, uh..." ¡°Fuck. Same, I guess.¡± "Let''s just try to keep our heads while we figure this out." Simkha peered through the window of a cheese shop as they breezed by. Tali was not inside. ¡°What about other kinds of crisises?¡± asked Leg Day. ¡°Uh, other criseas? Crisipodes?¡± ¡°Uh...¡± Simkha tried to think for a moment before responding. ¡°I dunno how to decide what was and wasn¡¯t a crisis. Like, I think I kind of responded the same when I was sixteen and got separated from my class during a trip to Awalva, compared to how I responded when I was seven and my birth mom died. What, uh, what about you?¡± ¡°Oh,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°I haven¡¯t had to deal with anything like that. I was spoiled as a kid. And, uh, sorry about your mom.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± said Simkha, ¡°right. Thanks, I guess. I never know if I should or shouldn¡¯t bring up the whole dead-mom thing. I never really figured out how to feel about it. She was diagnosed with Kwarissmi¡¯s Disease when I was like a month old, so her sister raised me. Like, I know I¡¯m supposed to have all sorts of emotions about her because she gave birth to me, but I also only ever met her like a half-dozen times. When I think about her dying, I mostly think about how Momma Ouri must have felt losing her sister.¡± Simkha looked at Leg Day¡¯s expression. Leg Day looked like she was processing. Simkha hadn¡¯t meant to distract Leg Day from the missing-Tali-problem. ¡°How are you doing now?¡± asked Simkha. ¡°Like, are you good to keep looking for Tali?¡± Leg Day blinked at the road ahead a few times. ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°I mean, I definitely want to look until we find her. But I have no idea what to do, or how to figure out what to do. So I¡¯m just¡­ at a loss.¡± ¡°Same,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Really? But you knew what to do when I called you.¡± ¡°I did?¡± said Simkha. ¡°I, uh, guess I was faking. I just started barking instructions at you without thinking at all. Did I mess up something you were doing to search?¡± ¡°Nope. I was arguing with Jennifer, making no progress. And Georgia¡­ She seemed overwhelmed. Just watching me and Jen. Looked about to cry.¡± Good-Arms Jock, crying? That was not what Simkha would have imagined. ¡°I literally asked myself what a competent person would do and faked like I was them. I¡¯m basically a fraud. I should have asked if any of you knew what you were doing.¡± ¡°I think you did good.¡± ¡°Neither of us is qualified to evaluate that.¡± ¡°No, I am,¡± said Leg Day. Simkha looked at Leg Day. ¡°I am,¡± Leg Day repeated. ¡°I was there. We were being useless, then you helped us be less useless. I saw it. So I am qualified to say that you made things better.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not sure being there makes you qualified,¡± said Simkha. ¡°We could be messing everything up. Right now. Like, we could find an expert and find out the best thing to do would have been to wait where we lost her¡ªand now I¡¯m messing that up.¡± ¡°Doesn¡¯t sound right. Only thing any of us can do is to try our best. I think you¡¯re trying your best. We don¡¯t have an expert, so we have to do our best unless and until we can find some better information.¡± ¡°Aaa!¡± said Simkha. ¡°You¡¯re a genius.¡± Simkha stopped walking, pulled her phone out of her pocket and began to type. ¡°Find someone¡­ lost in city¡­ doesn¡¯t speak language¡­¡± Simkha searched. She frowned as she scrolled the top two pages of results. ¡°Damn. I thought maybe we could google what to do. But all anybody is talking about is how Tali could get access to Google Translate. And I don¡¯t think her language is on Google Translate.¡± ¡°You figured out what her language is?¡± ¡°No, but it sounds like a Romance language. Right? And I¡¯m pretty sure I recognize all the Romance languages they have in Translate.¡± ¡°That could be important information! You figured that out while none of us would¡¯ve been able to. You are hereby banned from doubting your own usefulness.¡± Simkha huffed and started walking again. ¡°I just¡­ I don¡¯t know. I¡¯m scared. What if this isn¡¯t enough? What if Tali¡¯s in trouble? What if we can¡¯t find her?¡±This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report. ¡°You¡¯ll still be glad you tried your best.¡± ¡°But it might not be enough.¡± ¡°So? You still want to give Tali your best, right? We¡¯re not choosing between you searching and an expert searching. You¡¯re choosing whether we search with your help or without your help.¡± ¡°Fine,¡± Simkha grumbled. Leg Day smirked tenderly. In the street ahead, Good-Arms Jock and Jennifer left the penultimate shop on the block. They scuttled into the deli on the corner of Woodstock Road. ¡°Hey Legs¡­ is it weird for me to keep calling her Good-Arms Jock instead of Georgia?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Oh. Uh.¡± ¡°It¡¯s also cute and makes her happy.¡± ¡°Really?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± They walked on for a few seconds. ¡°You¡¯re not gonna ask if it¡¯s weird to call me Leg Day?¡± ¡°Oh. Uh. Should I stop?¡± asked Simkha. ¡°Nope,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°I like it too.¡± Leg Day was right. Most of what Simkha could do to find Tali wouldn¡¯t stop anybody else from searching, so Simkha shouldn¡¯t slow herself down with indecision. She would just be careful not to obstruct anybody else''s search, not to undercut anybody''s plans. Simkha and Leg Day caught up to the other jocks. Jennifer stood with crossed arms, kicking at the curb. Good-Arms Jock buried her hands in her pockets. ¡°No sign of Tali?¡± asked Simkha. ¡°Sorryyy,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Yeah,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡° We found nothing. But some of the shop staff seemed¡­ how should I put it? Inattentive?¡± ¡°In fairness, we don''t know how long we were at the bookshop before we noticed she disappeared.¡± ¡°My point,¡± said Good-Arms Jock, ¡°is that we shouldn''t rule anything out. Tali might have wandered off looking for something none of us would expect.¡± ¡°Well, fuck,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Shit,¡± agreed Simkha. Simkha scanned the street. It wasn¡¯t very busy for a Saturday afternoon. Next to Simkha, the jocks moved more restlessly than they had last night or this morning. Their eyes were downcast. Simkha thought they resembled nothing so much as her high school classmates trying not to get called on when they didn¡¯t know the answer to a question. Leg Day caught Simkha¡¯s eye and shrugged. Hmmm¡­ nobody had any clue what to do. Well, Simkha had mentioned regrouping at Mika¡¯s house, the door to which was only about ten meters away. ¡°Shall we go inside to talk to Mika and come up with a search plan?¡± The jocks agreed, and followed Simkha inside up to Mika¡¯s kitchen. Simkha rounded up a few chairs to put around the kitchen table. At Simkha¡¯s prompting, the jocks told Mika about what happened. Leg Day shared Simkha¡¯s conclusion that Tali¡¯s language was an obscure Romance dialect. ¡°First of all,¡± said Simkha, ¡°is everybody here on board to keep looking for Tali?¡± Mika agreed. Leg Day and Good-Arms Jock both mumbled yesses, even as they turned to look at Jennifer. ¡°Why are you all looking at me now?¡± pouted Jennifer. ¡°Of course I want to keep looking! I¡­ fine! If one of us was selfish enough to fuck off and forget about Tali right now then it would probably be me. But I¡¯m not! I¡¯m invested too!¡± ¡°Uh, thanks,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Next off: do any of us have experience finding missing people?¡± Nobody did. ¡°Anybody have any training related to this? General crisis management maybe?¡± Nobody did. ¡°Well, shit. In that case, I think we should have some of us look for her and some of us look for experts to help find her. Mika, would Hrefna know how to find her, or how to find somebody who can find her?¡± ¡°Yeahhh¡­ I don¡¯t think Hrefna has any personal search and rescue experience, but she can totally find us somebody who does. I¡¯ll message her to come home now.¡± ¡°Okay,¡± said Simkha. What would a competent person do next? ¡°Then I think one of us should contact the Fird and the EPOs. I don¡¯t know how they find missing people, but I¡¯m pretty sure they do it. Does that make sense to everybody?¡± ¡°Um¡­¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I¡¯m not sure if I should bring this up, but Tali might prefer for us to avoid tipping off the cops. It¡¯s possible the Fird could help, but it¡¯s not like First Oxford has a missing persons squad. On top of that, I don¡¯t think we can assume it''s legal for Tali to be here. I¡¯d expect her to speak French if she went through the visa process. Or at least for her English to be better. For all we know, she magicked herself into the LC. So involving the cops might, like, fuck her over. We don¡¯t actually have any evidence that says she needs our help.¡± ¡°God,¡± said Leg Day, ¡°this island is so fucking weird about travel laws.¡± ¡°I suppose...¡± said Simkha, ¡°we should try to consider that we don¡¯t really know what Tali wants, either. She might be here to burgle the Ashmolean for all we know. She might be here to steal a bunch of artefacts and pin the blame on me.¡± ¡°Mmmhhh¡­ I think we should assume Tali needs help,¡± said Mika. ¡°Because she¡¯s in the city on her own and she doesn¡¯t speak the language. She¡¯s pretty. She¡¯s small. And we don¡¯t have any reason to distrust her.¡± ¡°I¡­ that¡¯s true,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Maybe I¡¯m just¡­ just reluctant about going to the Fird because they¡­ they don¡¯t have a good reputation when it comes to dealing with vulnerable students. There may be reasons to call them, but there are reasons not to. And remember: Tali found Simkha in her flat last night, I assume without anybody there to help. Then she left for a while and came back. Maybe she¡¯s doing the same thing now that she did then?¡± ¡°Shit,¡± said Mika. ¡°I wasn¡¯t thinking about the Fird rumors. Back home in the commune, the judiciary commissars are, like, explicitly feminist. And not in the fake way you hear about out of Plymouth.¡± ¡°There¡¯s also the magic question,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°What does ¡®the magic question¡¯ mean?¡± ¡°I guess¡­ uh, security magic? Like, I know I would want to have defensive spells if I could do magic.¡± Simkha narrowed her eyes. ¡°Yeah¡­ that¡¯s sensible. I think¡­ Tali would be good at running away? What I mean is that last night she let herself into my flat through a locked door. The door, like, like, like¡­ kind of opened itself? It opened on its own, then she came in, then I saw her¡­ um¡­ I saw her reach into the past and open the door from the inside.¡± ¡°...¡± ¡°...¡± ¡°Sounds pretty magic,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°We need to talk to Tali about boundaries,¡± said Mika. ¡°It could help her escape danger,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°If she was, like, caught by bad people or something.¡± ¡°Y-y-yeah,¡± said Simkha. ¡°I think so. But I¡¯m not sure we should assume that Tali really has time-magic. It''s just... I¡¯ve been thinking. What if I¡¯ve been too quick to decide I¡¯m not having delusions? We know Tali is real and we know the HUD is real. But magic?¡± ¡°We could have asked Tali to show us more crazy shit,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°But let''s not blame ourselves because we didn¡¯t think to ask. We were processing plenty of shit that already seemed crazy at the time. ¡°This might be a stupid question,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°But, uh, Simkha¡­ can you do magic?¡± ¡°I¡­ maybe?¡± said Simkha. ¡°I have no clue how Tali did that time travel thing. But, well, there¡¯s something else I can try.¡± Everybody exchanged questioning glances. ¡°Hell yeah,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°I¡¯ll admit,¡± said Mika. ¡°If Simkha can show us something that¡¯s definitely magic and not just technology, then I would feel a lot better about waiting to contact the Fird and the EPOs. I don¡¯t necessarily think Simkha is hallucinating, but I¡¯d be way more comfortable with replicable results.¡± ¡°Wait,¡± said Simkha, ¡° don¡¯t you have to wait twenty-four hours before you can report somebody¡¯s missing, anyway?¡± ¡°Oh!¡± chirped Jennifer. ¡°Actually, you don¡¯t! I had a class that mentioned this. The twenty-four hours idea is just, like, a plot device from some old dramas. People repeated it like it was fact and it got out of hand. Pretty much any jurisdiction will let you report someone is missing as soon as you have a reason to think they¡¯re missing. Even if you show up with stupid reasoning they¡¯ll just, like, explain what a good reason would be.¡± ¡°Even the Fird?¡± asked Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I think so,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Good, I guess,¡± said Simkha. Simkha breathed deep to steady herself. ¡°Magic?¡± asked Leg Day. ¡°Maaa-aaagic?¡± asked Jennifer. ¡°Okay,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Uh, look at this bracelet.¡± Simkha held up her left wrist, grasping the bracelet that hung there. She focused all her attention on it. She tried to trick her eyes into seeing the impossible direction again. After a few moments, Simkha found it. Simkha wasn¡¯t sure, but she felt like it was easier to see this time. Simkha carefully twisted the bracelet one way and then the other along the impossible axis. Simkha could feel the bracelet grow larger and denser as she moved it here, then smaller and less dense as she moved it there. Simkha must¡¯ve been seeing the impossible direction more easily, because she thought she could see a little bit further along that axis now. She slightly strained her eyes, but she could see that the bracelet wasn''t truly changing size or mass. When Simkha moved the bracelet, the only thing that changed was which side of the bracelet hung off which side of her arm. When the bracelet was turned one way, more of the metal was exposed to her arm, and the rest of it hung off of what Simkha could only describe as the ¡°heavy side¡± of her arm. When the bracelet was turned the other way, less of the bracelet was pressed up against her arm, so that the bulk of the bracelet hung off the ¡°light side¡± of her arm. Simkha didn¡¯t understand how, but she could feel that gravity was somehow different on different sides of her arm. She hoped Tali would be able to explain it, one day. ¡°Maaa-gic!¡± exclaimed Jennifer. ¡°That looked¡­ like real fucking magic,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Shiiit, beyb,¡± said Mika. ¡°I can confirm that we¡¯re seeing some magic shit too. It looks like your bracelet is, like, growing and shrinking out of nowhere.¡± ¡°You see it?¡± Simkha felt relieved. ¡°That¡¯s what I saw too. I don¡¯t think I can explain exactly how I see it. It''s complicated.¡± ¡°Let¡¯s try to be sure,¡± said Mika. ¡°If that bracelet were a real restraint, do you think you¡¯d be able to escape with that trick of yours?¡± Simkha frowned and remembered when the jewelry locked her in space in her bathroom. ¡°No¡­ I don¡¯t think so. I can¡¯t explain how I can see it, but this bracelet has this kind of latch thing in another dimension. It could be hard to reach. Well, I¡¯m pretty sure I¡¯d need to undo that latch to get this thing off.¡± ¡°Wait, I asked the wrong question,¡± said Mika. ¡°What I meant to ask is whether you could get out of regular bindings. Like, could you get out of regular handcuffs?¡± ¡°Hmmm¡­¡± said Simkha. ¡°Hey, Good-Arms Jock?¡± ¡°Uh, Hey Simkha. What¡¯s cookin¡¯?¡± Simkha extended her wrists to cross in front of Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Would you grab my wrists and stop me from escaping.¡± Good-Arms Jock cautiously reached out and grasped Simkha¡¯s wrists. ¡°Okay, I¡¯ve got you. Go for it.¡± Simkha focused. She saw how she would move her arms through the impossible dimension. Simkha twisted herself and the world lurched. The feeling reminded Simkha of when she fell out of her shower¡ªwhen her past self started colliding with her. But Simkha still managed to twist her hands away, pulling them through the huge fourth-dimension hole in Good-Arms Jock¡¯s grip. It wasn¡¯t effortless, but it wasn¡¯t hard either. ¡°Holy shit,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Your arms, like, faded? Then moved through mine? Holy shit!¡± ¡°Same,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°If Tali can do that, then I think we can assume she¡¯s safe on her own.¡± ¡°If Tali can do that, then I think First Oxford won¡¯t be safe from her.¡± Simkha smiled. But damn if she didn¡¯t still want to find Tali. 2.3 – Hrefnas Flawless Victory Simkha and her friends had just about finished planning how to find Tali when they were interrupted by a phone call. Mika pulled out her buzzing phone. She was getting a video call from Hrefna. ¡°Hey beyb,¡± said Mika. ¡°I¡¯m here with Simkha and friends, hammering out a plan. Are you almost home?¡± Hrefna stood on a fairly busy street that looked a lot like¡­ Little Clarendon. She wore a slightly devilish grin. ¡°I win,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°Or at least, I think I win. ¡®Cause I think I found your girl. She¡¯s the one from that picture Simkha sent you this morning, right? What¡¯s her name?¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Mika. ¡°Yeah. Her name is Tali.¡± ¡°Great. Let¡¯s go check, then.¡± Hrefna kept the video call rolling while she walked up to someone. ¡°Excuse me,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°Are you Simkha¡¯s friend, Tali?¡± ¡°Euh?¡± said Tali. ¡°Hmmm, yes! Simkha? Friend Tali, Simkha!¡± ¡°Voil¨¤!,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°Come on now, get in the picture with me.¡± Hrefna turned and leaned in so that the call showed Tali standing and looking befuddled next to her. They were on Little Clarendon, on the pavement outside G&D¡¯s Ice Cream Cafe. Tali shifted so that the top of a big paper bag came into view. Simkha sagged into her seat. ¡°A-ha! said¡± Tali. ¡°Simkha hello!¡± ¡°H-hi,¡± said Simkha. She blinked her eyes clear. ¡°Euh,¡± said Tali, with a guilty look. ¡°Not happy Simkha?¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. She moved her mouth into the shape of a smile, more or less. ¡°Thank fucking fuck,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Wait,¡± said Simkha, ¡°you showed the picture I sent you to Hrefna?¡± Mika raised her eyebrows. ¡°We were still in bed, and I¡¯m not trying to hide things from Hrefna.¡± Shortly thereafter, Hrefna hung up the call. She swept into the room a minute or two after that. Hrefna moved with large, confident motions. She was dressed in an immaculate outfit that was just a tiny bit too summery for First Oxford at this time of year. She sported high-waisted turquoise chinos and a pale linen top that would have probably been perfect for the climate in Paris or even Valence. Hrefna greeted the jocks like she already knew them. Of course she knew them¡ªshe had once told a drunken Simkha that she had a method and a plan to meet or befriend all five-thousand-ish queer girls living in or attending Uni in First Oxford. She probably would have succeeded at it, if there weren¡¯t a constant turnover among the students. Hrefna tugged Tali inside by the arm. Tali still wore Simkha¡¯s faded, too-big hoodie and sweats. Tali carried a big paper bag filled with a jumble of something that clanked and looked heavy. Tali was safe. Only a little less importantly, Tali was right here in the same place as Simkha. ¡°Euh, hello?¡± said Tali, wearing a slightly-chastened smile. ¡°Hello,¡± said Good-Arms Jock, wearing an ambiguous expression. ¡°We¡¯re glad you¡¯re okay, Tali,¡± said Mika. ¡°And I¡¯m glad Simkha suggested calling Hrefna home.¡± Simkha couldn¡¯t quite manage to speak, so she tried to mentally project her thankfulness directly into Hrefna and Tali¡¯s minds. Leg Day looked pleased and relieved. She took a sip of her tea. Simkha wondered when the hell she¡¯d had time to brew it. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± said Leg Day, tipping her chin towards Tali¡¯s paper bag. ¡°Euh,¡± said Tali. ¡°Is¡­ food? Is happy? Is food happy, is Simkha happy. Is Simkha happy, is friend-ezz Simkha happy?¡± Tali set down the paper bag on the table and began to unpack it. She pulled out a couple of posh cheeses, a box of flaky pastries, some artisan jam, and two bottles of medium-cheap wine. Leg Day started laughing. ¡°Oh my god,¡± said Leg Day, ¡°she left to get snacks.¡± ¡°Damn,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°You all were really worried, huh?¡± Simkha felt everybody turn to look at her. Her cheeks felt a bit wet. Her vision was a bit blurry. Mika reached a hand over towards Simkha. She paused for a moment, then gave Simkha¡¯s hand a gentle squeeze. It felt nice. ¡°Do we need to be worried about how Tali got all this,¡± asked Hrefna. ¡°I don¡¯t want to jump to conclusions, but¡­ like. She doesn¡¯t speak English, does she? I wouldn¡¯t have thought she¡¯d be able to manage this.¡± ¡°Nah,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°It¡¯s not hard if you have the right credit card. I once spent a week in Nouqzacq, Salishia without a translator. It was a bit expensive, but not difficult to do.¡± ¡°Really,¡± interjected Mika. "I thought you were, like, twenty years old?¡± ¡°Twenty-one,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°And, uh, rich uncle, y¡¯know?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know, I was born in North Japan, not the South. But it¡¯s interesting to hear about.¡± ¡°Do you know where she¡¯s from, Simms?¡± said Hrefna. Simkha took a moment to register the question. She managed a small shrug in response. ¡°Hey, are you all right?¡± asked Mika. Simkha noticed Good-Arms Jock was staring at her. Simkha managed to meet Good-Arms Jock¡¯s gaze, and even to hold it for most of a second. ¡°I think,¡± said Good-Arms Jock, ¡°Simkha might just be, like, out of spoons at the moment.¡± ¡°Spoons?¡± asked Leg Day. ¡°Yeah you know, like¡­ the disability metaphor?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t see how that metaphor applies here,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°Perhaps you¡¯d explain it to me?¡± ¡°And what the metaphor is,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Since I don¡¯t know shit.¡± ¡°So it¡¯s a metaphor representing the personal energy it takes to, like, do stuff in the world,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°It¡¯s from this author, her name was something like, uh, Mystery-dino?¡± ¡°Miserandino,¡± said Jennfer. Everybody looked at Jennifer. ¡°What?¡± said Jennifer. ¡°I attend lecture. I¡¯m at lecture more often than either of you!¡± ¡°Huh?¡± asked Hrefna. ¡°We¡¯re somatology students,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°So we¡¯ve studied this before. It was in a module about caring for chronic conditions. It¡¯s basically us and a bunch of med students.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°I¡­ thought you studied art. I was way off.¡± ¡°Eh, you¡¯re not totally off base.¡± Good-Arms Jock pointed at Leg Day. ¡°She took a lot of drawing and painting modules in our first year. I think we met at a show she was in.¡±Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon. ¡°That makes sense,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°And I will try to give your metaphor a fair chance. I foolishly assumed you had just, like, listened to a podcast talk about this, and were techbro-ing about medicine. But if you¡¯ve actually studied, well, that¡¯s different.¡± ¡°Right,¡± said Good-Arms-Jock. ¡°No worries.¡± ¡°So. Spoons?¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Spoons,¡± said Mika. ¡°Spoons!¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Euh,¡± said Tali. ¡°Spoon-ezz? Where is spoon-ezz?¡± ¡°Er,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. Jenniffer hopped up and rifled through kitchen drawers until Hrefna showed her where to find a spoon. She handed it to Tali. ¡°Spoons.¡± ¡°Spoon-ezz.¡± ¡°So,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°So this woman wrote this article like twenty years ago. She was something like two months out of uni at the time. She was out at a caff with a friend, gobbling down fries. And she has, like, I want to say it was¡­ lupus? Well the friend wanted to know what it feels like to have lupus. So lupus girl responded by grabbing up all the spoons from their table and the tables around them. And she gave them to her friend and was like ¡®this is lupus, you have it now, congrats.¡¯¡± Jennifer went back to the spoon drawer and gathered up a dozen spoons, arranging them like they were a bouquet. She got down on one knee in front of Leg Day and gave her the spoon bouquet. ¡°So apparently, lupus doesn¡¯t stop you from doing any one specific thing, it just, like, makes everything more painful and difficult to do. So lupus girl told the friend that the spoons are tokens, representing how much energy she has to, like, perform tasks and be a person. She tells the friend to narrate all the things the friend has to do each day, and she¡¯ll say when the friend¡¯s spent a spoon¡¯s worth of energy.¡± Leg Day frowned and tried to give the spoon bouquet back to Jennifer. ¡°Play along,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Some of us here don¡¯t speak the language, but are trying to follow along anyway. Just, like, try to act it out so Tali can follow the story too.¡± Leg Day Narrowed her eyes. ¡°So the friend¡¯s like ¡®I get ready for work,¡¯ but lupus girl is like ¡®be more specific.¡¯ So the friend is like ¡°I get out of bed, I get dressed, I make myself breakfast, and lupus girl starts charging her spoons left right and center for most of the task. The friend starts worrying about whether she has enough spoons for later in the day, because she¡¯s already down to like half her spoons before she even gets to work. So she¡¯s, like, cutting out stuff she thought was absolutely essential.¡± Leg Day fixed herself a jam and cheese croissant and paid Jennifer a spoon to do it. She got herself a glass of wine and paid Jennifer a spoon to do it. When she started to run out of obvious tasks to do, she moved on to less-relevant actions, like borrowing a guitar from behind the couch to play Gran Vals except she replaced the Nokia ringtone part with the actual notes from the Nokia ringtone. ¡°And the point is that the friend has to start skipping normal social stuff most people don¡¯t think about. For example she skipped, like, going to lunch with coworkers. Because if she did that, she might not have had the energy to drive herself home after work.¡± ¡°That¡¯s, like, just one of two main points though,¡± interjected Jennifer. ¡°That first one being that, people do a lot of things that normal people¡ªable-bodied people¡ªtake for granted. Like, it¡¯s easy for me to get out of bed because my body can do that without using much energy. Or it¡¯s easy for me to get dressed in normal clothes because moving like that doesn¡¯t hurt me.¡± ¡°Uh, yeah,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°That¡¯s basically it.¡± ¡°I dunno if this is a helpful way to illustrate it,¡± said Jennifer, ¡°but I like to think about it as different kinds of actions a player can take in D&D. You only get one standard action per turn but you get as many free actions as your DM will allow. So, like, getting dressed is a free action for most people. But if you get lupus then it turns into a standard action and you have to spend resources for it. Does that make sense.¡± ¡°I guess?¡± said Hrefna. ¡°I¡¯m not really a sword lesbian.¡± ¡°You¡¯re letting your people down,¡± tutted Mika. ¡°Lesbians?¡± said Hrefna. ¡°Theatre kids,¡± said Mika. ¡°How dare you.¡± ¡°I think it makes sense to call it a free action,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I¡¯m out of ideas for stuff to pay spoons for,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Hold on,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°There¡¯s still the second point, which is that you don¡¯t get any new spoons throughout the day. Like, if I run out of energy then I can just take a fifteen minute nap and I¡¯ll get my energy back. But if you run out and you have lupus, then you just can¡¯t do things for the rest of the day. Even if you haven¡¯t made it home yet. Even if there¡¯s an emergency. Or, well, some people can borrow against tomorrow¡¯s spoons. But borrowing one spoon today eats up like five of tomorrow¡¯s spoons.¡± ¡°Hmm,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°I don¡¯t get why it¡¯s ¡®spoons¡¯ though. Maybe I¡¯m just easily confused. Why not just say that specific disabilities make specific tasks harder. And different disabilities make rest less effective. Like, presumably the reason you get spoons at the beginning of the day was because you rested during sleep.¡± ¡°Uhh,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I guess? Like, I see your point. But I think the metaphor¡­ it¡¯s, like, meant to show you how it feels. If you have to hand over a physical token to represent your energy, then that feels more visceral because you¡¯re literally handing over a limited resource. So maybe it¡¯s more of an exercise than a metaphor?¡± ¡°I still don¡¯t see why the spoons idea applies to Simkha,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°Isn¡¯t it obvious?¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Huh, really? None of you? Not even Simkha?¡± ¡°Apparently not,¡± said Hrefna, shrugging like the others. ¡°Well, ahhh¡­¡± said Good-Arms Jock,¡± Well I¡¯m obviously not a doctor, but¡­ Simkha, is it okay if I speculate about what you¡¯re dealing with?¡± Simkha shrugged weakly. ¡°What does a shrug mean?¡± asked Jennifer. ¡°Presumably, that she doesn¡¯t care?¡± said Hrefna. ¡°Simkha, are you okay with her speculating about you?¡± asked Mika. Simkha nodded ¡°yes¡± weakly. ¡°Okay, thanks Simmie. I really hope this might be helpful. Well, it¡¯s just¡­ I think you might have a personality disorder.¡± ¡°Kinda harsh,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Hey, hold on,¡± said Good-Arms Jock, ¡°that wasn¡¯t a criticism. Having a disorder doesn¡¯t make you a bad person. It just means your body or brain doesn¡¯t work in the standard, usual way. In some circumstances, you could do better than average. Or they can be a disability like any other.¡± ¡°Hmm,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°So for Simkha, well, it seems like talking to people exhausts you a lot more quickly than it exhausts most people, more than most introverts, even. Then earlier today¡­ it seems like you needed a very specific kind of rest to recover when you were overwhelmed. And you seem like you have some sensory issues too. So, personality disorder¡­ which is an invisible disability¡­which makes spoons the appropriate metaphor.¡± ¡°Huh,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°Does that sound right to you, Simkha?¡± Simkha shrugged weakly. ¡°Different question then, beautiful,¡± said Mika. ¡°If you can tell, how many spoons do you have right now?¡± Mika gathered together all the spoons and pushed them towards Simkha. Simkha narrowed her eyes for a few seconds. She stared at the spoons. Was the spoons metaphor even accurate to what she felt? She didn¡¯t know. She was struggling just to think. How was she supposed to translate any of this into words? ¡°Uh,¡± said Jennifer. No, this was fine. Simkha could think, even if she was slow about it. She could turn those thoughts into words. She could speak those words. She wanted friends, didn¡¯t she? Well, people talk to their friends. Simkha could talk now. She steeled herself and forced an answer out. ¡°None.¡± Simkha closed her eyes and caught her breath. ¡°Fair enough," said Leg Day. ¡°I guess looking for Tali really took it out of you,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°I feel vindicated, but also feel bad for feeling vindicated,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Tali me, I,¡± said Tali. ¡°Is¡­ euh¡­ is ¡®spoon¡¯ is Simkha is good not? Is happy Simkha Spoon¡­ is happy Simkha re-lax-ation?¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I didn¡¯t understand either,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°I don''t think any of us did,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°Annfann!¡± said Tali. ¡° Talk-word¡­ Is, annfann, Spoon Simkha¡­ good not?¡± ¡° D o u b t?S i m k h a?w o u l d?m i n d?a?s p o o n?w i t h?h e r , " muttered Leg Day. Good-Arms Jock flicked Leg Day¡¯s thigh. She mimed spraying Leg Day with a spray bottle. ¡°Simkha has no spoons,¡± said Mika, ¡°and that¡¯s not good.¡± ¡°Yes-good,¡± said Tali. ¡°Yes. Hmm. Simkha spoon, not-good? Simkha re-lax-ation, not-good?¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Mika. ¡°I mean that¡¯s basically it, right?¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Spoons not good, relaxation not good,¡± decreed Hrefna. ¡°So Simkha¡¯s relaxation is not good.¡± ¡°Not good,¡± agreed Leg day. Tali made a fierce little expression that made Simkha feel things. Tali came over and squatted in front of Simkha. She held up her pendant and linked it with Simkha¡¯s. After a moment, Simkha¡¯s HUD received a popup prompt from Tali. Simkha accepted without thinking. Her status bar for relaxation flashed red and emptied out. Tali un-linked the pendants and stood to face the table. ¡°You Garms-Jok! You L¨ªdia! You here.¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Sure?¡± said Leg Day. Over the next few minutes, Tali bullied Simkha into letting her friends¡¯ help her move over to the couch near the table. Simkha felt embarrassed and grumpy about accepting assistance at first. Simkha could have moved her own body. She could tell her body had the energy to move to the couch on her own. She was just having trouble remembering how to access and use that energy. She would figure it out soon. But¡­ Simkha had to admit that she felt better once she was on the couch, leaning over to face her friends. The couch was nice and soft. More importantly, it formed a kind of shield between her and her friends¡¯ ongoing conversation. But it let her stay close enough to interject, if she ever had the energy for that. She was close enough to feel like she was in the same space, hanging out. Simkha felt¡­ safe here. Tali fixed a plate of cheeses and bread. She came over and perched herself on the couch next to Simkha. She put some cheese on a little piece of croissant and held it up for Simkha to eat. When Simkha reached out to take the bite, Tali batted her hand away. Tali held the food out until Simkha gave up and let Tali feed her directly. Tali just smiled as Simkha blushed furiously. 2.4 – More-or-Less Correct Jennifer closed the bedroom door in Tali¡¯s face, turned the lock, and hopped into bed next to Leg Day. ¡°Hey,¡± complained Leg Day. ¡°You¡¯re jiggling my video.¡± ¡°My bad! But also send me a copy of that video, yeah?¡± ¡°No.¡± Jennifer rolled her eyes and called out. ¡°Okay Tali, now!¡± Tali reached her hand through the door, unlocked it, and pushed it open. ¡°Damn that¡¯s cool,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Magic!¡± squealed Jennifer. ¡°It¡¯s totally magic!¡± Okay, move back there, like¡­ yeah. I¡¯ll lock the door, and¡­ okay do it again!¡± Once again, Tali reached her hand through the door, unlocked it, and pushed it open. Jennifer squealed with delight. Leg Day met Tali¡¯s gaze and rolled her eyes. Tali returned the smile, glanced left, and caught Simkha¡¯s eye from where she sat on the couch. Simkha twitched the corners of her mouth up far enough to communicate the idea of a smile. She held the eye contact for almost a third of a second before she had to look away. She shifted her head so she could stare at her own knees while she listened into the conversation between Good-Arms Jock, Mika, and Hrefna. ¡°...so I guess it turned out fine,¡± sighed Good-Arms Jock. She leaned against the kitchen counter and popped a slice of cheese into her mouth. ¡°Annnd¡­ that¡¯s basically everything that happened before we left Simmie¡¯s place.¡± ¡°Okay but none of that explains how you lost Tali,¡± said Hrefna. She put on a slightly incredulous expression as she sipped her wine. ¡°Like, I still don¡¯t understand how that was possible?¡± ¡°Ughhh,¡± groaned Mika. ¡°I just, like, cannot believe we did that. With Tali in the city by herself, not even speaking the language. And Simkha specifically asking us to keep an eye on her, so Simkha could recover.¡± ¡°Oh my god, right?¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I don¡¯t lose people! Like, I don¡¯t understand how it was possible either.¡± ¡°None of that is an actual answer,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°Tell me what happened.¡± ¡°I think we came straight here,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°But I wouldn¡¯t know since I wasn¡¯t familiar with the route. Mika?¡± ¡°Yeah, everybody came straight here, including Tali,¡± said Mika. ¡°We went the normal way. I remember because I noticed at the corner of Walton and Little Clarendon¡ªthat¡¯s when your girl spotted the Last Bookshop. And she looked interested. So later on, that¡¯s why I suggested you all check it out.¡± ¡°Tali was interested?¡± asked Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I¡­ definitely thought she disappeared before we went back. ¡°No, not Tali. Your, uh, L¨ªdia. Leg Day? She was the one who looked interested.¡± ¡°Oh, sure,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°Not really my girl, then. Although I get what you mean. Fully makes sense that she¡¯d notice the bookshop. But moving along, we got here, and we met your roommate." ¡°Oh yeah.¡± Mika snorted and grinned. ¡°When we got here Logan was literally standing over the sink, eating cheese crumbles straight off this big-ass block of Red Leicester.¡± ¡°Logan is my favorite,¡± said Hrefna. Jennifer poked her head through the doorframe and interrupted. ¡°Wait, did you say that guy¡¯s name was Logan.¡± ¡°It is,¡± Hrefna confirmed. Jennifer knitted her brow. ¡°Do you, um, do you know¡­¡± ¡°Yes, correct, one hundo,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°You mean Wolverine right?¡± said Mika. ¡°Logan explicitly named himself after the comic book character. He says it¡¯s why he does sideburns and lumberjack shirts, too. He loves to talk about it.¡± ¡°Hngh, is that right?¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Absolutely love it,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°That explains all the pastel Marvel decor, too,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°But moving on, Hrefna, that¡¯s when Mika called you about the clothes.¡± ¡°What did Tali decide on?¡± asked Hrefna. ¡°That part of my closet desperately needs thinning.¡± ¡°Oh we had fun,¡± said Mika. ¡°We had a whole little fashion show. Tali agreed to take that Turquoise jumpsuit. And we also got her to take that casual dress¡ªthe one I think is sage colored, but you say it¡¯s olivine.¡± ¡°Oh thank god,¡± said Hrefna, ¡°that dress is gone, my relationship is saved.¡± ¡°You¡¯re not allowed to break up with me over color names.¡± ¡°Love you too, babe.¡± ¡°So anyway,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°That¡¯s when your girl pinned the outfits and got to sewing. Then Leg Day suggested we go check out the Last Bookshop. Or¡­ I guess you were the one to suggest that, Mika.¡± ¡°Right,¡± said Mika. ¡°I think it was Jennifer who was worried about Tali not speaking English. And Leg Day had the actual idea to find her a picture dictionary, or maybe a simple-language dictionary. I basically just reminded her which shop she had spotted.¡± ¡°And that¡¯s when I fucked up,¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°I thought I could get them all down Little Clarendon, because I¡¯m used to herding two of those cats.¡± ¡°So you lost Tali along Little Clarendon?¡± asked Hrefna. ¡°Oh my god,¡± said Mika. She pointed at the cheeses and wines still bedecking the kitchen table. ¡°It must have been there! At the¡­ uh¡­ what''s it called... I think it¡¯s the Jericho Cheese Company. She must have noticed all this in the window and gotten distracted.¡± ¡°Wow,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°I think that makes her, like, a perfect match for Simkha. Or are they actually the same person?¡± ¡°I know, right?¡± said Mika. ¡°And did you see her earlier, how she also just had lactase tablets in her pocket. Like, both of them just walk around prepared for surprise cheese.¡± ¡°Incredible, isn¡¯t it,¡± says Hrefna. ¡°How they both plan ahead so they can eat food they¡¯re allergic to.¡± Mika smiled and batted her eyes at Hrefna. ¡°I love you too, beyb. And lactose intolerance is still not an allergy.¡± Good-Arms Jock quirked a brow. Mika leaned in conspiratorially and whispered ¡°I practice Lactose Tolerant Tuesdays. It¡¯s exactly what you think it is.¡± Simkha smiled and let her attention wander back to Jennifer and Leg Day. They had come to the conclusion that Tali couldn¡¯t reach through every closed door. They hadn¡¯t figured out how to predict which doors could and couldn¡¯t be bypassed. Simkha wasn¡¯t sure about the difference either, at first. But after watching for a while, she had a thought. With a little work, Simkha tricked herself into perceiving the fourth spatial dimension again. She looked around. Her theory was correct. Wherever Tali could bypass a door, she was just reaching around the door through a gap in the fourth dimension and opening it. Where Tali couldn¡¯t bypass a door, there was either no four-dimensional space at all or there was no gap in the fourth dimension. Now that Simkha noticed, four-dimensional space was not evenly distributed throughout the house, only appearing in pockets here and there. Tali tried to point out which areas had four-dimensional space, which included most of the kitchen, the hallway, a corner of the living room, and a few smaller pockets. But Tali couldn¡¯t quite communicate the concept to Jennifer and Leg Day. She looked a bit frustrated, but not too frustrated. In the end she just went along with Jennifer''s gestural requests, intentionally bumping into objects she couldn''t reach around in order to demonstrate the impossibility of the task. Simkha closed her eyes and breathed. She was still pretty exhausted, but she felt a little more functional than she felt a few minutes ago. Could she translate her explanation of the problem into human words¡ªwords that Jennifer and Leg Day would understand? Hmm. Nope. She could not. But Simkha did have at least a little energy now. Maybe she could calibrate her status bar for relaxation and energy based on this change? She would have liked for Tali to do it. But she didn¡¯t have enough energy to puzzle out how to ask Tali. She might have enough energy to figure it out for herself, as long as she didn¡¯t have to use words¡­The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. Simkha reached out and poked at her status bars. With a little trial and error, she expanded her status bar for energy and relaxation into a more detailed box that filled the center of her view. She noted that the box displayed a larger version of the status bar, a display that looked something like a flow chart, and a display for something like a table of statistics. She still couldn¡¯t read the glyphs that labeled everything. But she did notice one particular button labeled with a glyph that looked more familiar than the others. She spent a moment in consideration, then pressed the button. Simkha¡¯s entire HUD flickered, except for two changes. First, the color of her relaxation and energy status bar changed to yellow. Second, the line that indicated the depletion of her status bar disappeared. Simkha spent a moment in consideration, then tapped on the status bar where the line would go to indicate she had just a tiny bit of energy. With another flicker, the status bar changed to a reddish-orange color, and filled in to show she had a little bit of energy. The status bar breathed in and out nigh imperceptibly, appearing alive just like her hunger status bar. Simkha smiled to herself. She was pretty sure that had worked. Was calibrating her HUD really going to be this easy? Simkha tried to close the relaxation detail view box. She couldn¡¯t. Hmmm. She fiddled with this and that. She couldn¡¯t make the box go away. She was about to start panicking when she accidentally grabbed the box between two fingers, like she was grabbing a piece of paper hovering in the air. Holding it like this, she was able to move the box. She couldn¡¯t make the thing disappear by dragging it past the edge of her HUD, but maybe¡­ Simkha grabbed the box and moved it on top of the status bars that lined the bottom of her view. She let go, and smiled when the box shrunk into a point of light that flew into her relaxation and energy status bar, then disappeared. Ah damn, everybody was looking at Simkha. Why were they looking at her? Oh, right. Of course they could see her poking and prodding at her HUD, even if they didn¡¯t see the HUD itself. Simkha flushed and turned her eyes away. She shielded her face with her hands and stared off into a dark corner of the room. The corner was mostly empty, except for a yellow tacklebox with ¡°TOOLS¡± written in sharpie on the front. Tackle-box. A box with a pretty sizable fourth-dimension gap between the lid and the base. A box that could be picked up and moved, just like the box Simkha had just grabbed and moved around her HUD. Hmm. Simkha climbed out of the couch, nearly tripping herself as she untangled her arms and legs. She wobbled over to the corner with the toolbox. She grabbed the toolbox and carried it over to Tali, Jennifer, and Leg Day. ¡°All right?¡± asked Leg Day. Simkha nodded, and plopped the toolbox down on the counter, setting it above the cabinet door that Tali had just reached through. Simkha caught Tali¡¯s eye and pointed at the fourth-dimension gap beneath the lid of the toolbox. Tali frowned for a few moments, then reached through the fourth-dimension gap without unlatching the box. She drew out a hammer. Simkha moved the toolbox to the edge of the bubble of four-dimensional space. The extra dimension in that area was squeezed tight, so Tali would have a harder time reaching through the gap. But when Simkha pointed again, Tali was still able to reach in and gingerly draw out a screwdriver without squashing her hand too much. Tali smiled at Simkha, who smiled back. When Simkha moved the box entirely out of three dimensional space, Tali finally caught on. She bonked her hand into the area where the gap had been, and showed it was missing. Tali took the box from Simkha and began to repeat the demonstration next to all the doors she had tested for Jennifer and Leg Day. Tali used judicious placement of the toolbox to show just where the pockets of four-dimensional space began and ended. ¡°I think I get it¡­¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Tali can¡¯t just, like, phase through certain doors and not others. What she can do is phase through certain places. And some of those places happen to have doors in them¡­¡± Tali looked at Jennifer. Tali looked at Simkha. Tali gave Simkha a questioning look. Eh. Jennifer was more-or-less correct, so Simkha nodded ¡°yes.¡± ¡°Yes!¡± said Tali. ¡°Is yes, is happy, is good!¡± ¡°Yay!¡± said Jennifer. She beamed at Tali, then Simkha, then everybody else. Mika caught Simkha¡¯s eye. ¡°You feeling a little better, Simmie?¡± Simkha shrugged. ¡°You look like you got, like, half a spoon of energy back,¡± opined Good-Arms Jock. ¡°A spork,¡± said Leg Day. Good-Arms Jock flicked Leg Day¡¯s thigh. ¡°Did you want to keep hanging out here,¡± asked Mika, ¡°or to head home early?¡± Simkha squirmed. But she made herself speak. ¡°H-home, please.¡± ¡°Want me to order you a R?deShare back to your flat?¡± offered Hrefna. Simkha blushed and looked away. ¡°Euh,¡± said Tali. ¡°From here¡­ place origin? Me Simkha?¡± ¡°I think¡­ she¡¯s offering to walk you home?¡± said Good-Arms Jock. ¡°It¡¯s probably best not to take the bus right now.¡± ¡°Do you want,¡± asked Mika, ¡°for Tali to stay with you again tonigh¡ª¡± ¡°Yes,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Well, uh, I m-mean. If she w-wants to.¡± Good Arms Jock caught Mika¡¯s eye. Mika nodded. ¡°Tali¡­¡± said Good Arms Jock. ¡°Do you. Want to sleep. Sleep at Simkha¡¯s place? Sleep here?¡± She mimed sleeping on Mika¡¯s couch. ¡°Sleep at L¨ªdia¡¯s place?¡± She pointed at Leg Day and mimed sleep again. ¡°She, uh, has a guest room?¡± ¡°Sleep me place,¡± said Tali, ¡°sleep me Simkha.¡± Good-Arms Jock glanced at Leg Day, who smirked and bounced her eyebrows. ¡°Sounds pretty clear to me,¡± said Hrefna. ¡°If you want,¡± said Jennifer. I could give you a ride back. I¡¯m gonna get a R?deShare home, and I think your place is on my way? I can just order two stops.¡± Simkha looked at Jennifer, then at Tali, then back to Jennifer. Simkha nodded ¡°yes.¡± ¡°Sounds good,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Let me just pull the app up, and¡­¡± ¡°Too late,¡± interjected Leg Day. ¡°I just ordered a ride for you to share. And you¡¯re not allowed to pay me back. Because my payoff is telling you that Simkha¡¯s place is one-hundred and, like, fifty degrees in the opposite direction to your place. Not at all on the way.¡± ¡°Hmph,¡± grumbled Jennifer. ¡°I think I still overpaid.¡± ¡°Yeah, yeah,¡± said Leg Day. ¡°Just text me how the ride was when you get home, so I can tip right.¡± A few minutes later, Jennifer climbed into the back seat of the R?deShare, gently shoving Tali to sit over next to Simkha. All three settled and buckled themselves in as their driver pulled away from Mika¡¯s house. Tali clutched her borrowed bag of clothes, leftover food, and the wine bottles she had to keep vertical, lest she test the water-tight nature of Hrefna¡¯s reusable corks. ¡°Sooo¡­¡± said Jennifer, ¡°I might have, like, a bit of a secret agenda with sharing a ride home.¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Yeah?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°It¡¯s just about an idea I had. And I didn¡¯t want to say it in front of the others ¡®cause I don¡¯t want them to, like, single me out. But, like, you¡¯re nice? Just don¡¯t make fun of me, yeah?¡± ¡°Uh, sure,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Right, so, where do I start? Well, L¨ªdia said something a few minutes ago when we were in the other room. She said you recognized Tali¡¯s language?¡± ¡°Me Tali,¡± said Tali. ¡°Uh, yeah,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Kinda. Just¡­ I think it¡¯s a Romance language. But no dialect I recognize. Just that it¡¯s kind of French-y.¡± ¡°Right, so, my question is¡­ do you think her language is, uh, from our¡­ like¡­ world? What if it was from, like, a comic-book style alternate timeline.¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. She frowned and glanced at Tali. ¡°Me Tali?¡± said Tali. Tali glanced at Simkha, then at Jennifer, then back at Simkha. ¡°Sorry to interrupt,¡± said the driver. ¡°But I¡¯m actually a DPhil student, studying cross-linguistic influence in the development of Gallo-Romance languages between the end of late antiquity and the beginning of the Bourbon Caliphate. I would be, like, unbelievably excited to help you identify your dialect¡­ if you¡¯d like help.¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Euh,¡± said Tali. ¡°Uh, shit, sorry,¡± said the driver. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to impose. Sorry. Please ignore me.¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. ¡°No,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°That would actually be amazing. Help us, please, and thanks. Come on Simkha, make her do the thing.¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. She laid a hand on Tali¡¯s knee, glanced at Tali¡¯s face, and closed her eyes to better remember snippets of Tali¡¯s language.¡°Tali¡­ um¡­ talk¡­ sluu¡­ sluu vous? Uh¡­ lii graas ¡®s voust, lii graas ¡®s voust¡­ Pell wiis een cherff¡­ cherff feelb? Le laang Sais¡¯sonzz?¡± ¡°Euh.¡± Tali frowned. ¡°Plaays tee vous kweey¡­ kweeys paarl reey lee laang Ses''sonzz?¡± ¡°Yes! Good! Again!¡± said Jennifer. Simkha nodded along. ¡°Euh, pell wiis Talitha Kohen. Euh, pell wiist lii laangs sell lee laang splendd Ses''sonzz. Knuur lee ftuuyt e lee chlaar.¡± ¡°Hmm,¡± said the driver. ¡°Well I can barely give you an educated guess with such a small sample, but we¡¯re almost to your first dropoff, so I¡¯ll do my best. Some of your vocabulary sounds Anglo-French, but the grammar is either completely fucked, or the sample is super weird. I think¡­ I think I heard something like ¡®la langue saxonnes.¡¯ That should mean something like ¡°the Saxon Tongue.¡± So I¡¯ll say this is a constructed Anglo-French pidgin. I¡¯d assume your A.R.G. is set in a world where Richarde Lionheart seized the French throne. No¡­ it was probably in the Hundred Years¡¯ War, since that¡¯s more widely-known.¡± The driver stopped the car in front of Simkha¡¯s flat. ¡°Uh,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Simkha, did you understand that?¡± ¡°Y-yeah¡­¡± said Simkha. She frowned, unbuckled herself, and climbed out of the car. ¡°A parallel timeline¡­ Anglo-French¡­ yeah, it¡¯s a good hypothesis.¡± ¡°So¡­ parallel timeline¡ªalternate earth?¡± asked Jennifer. ¡°Yeah,¡± said Simkha. ¡°It¡¯s a good fit.¡± ¡°So¡­¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Well, have you heard of an ¡®isekai?¡¯ It¡¯s this idea from a lot of sci-fi and fantasy. Where a character is thrown into another universe that they have to figure out. It was big in a lot of classic literature, but also in modern stuff. Especially in modern weeb fantasy. Which I guess I think of as ¡®boyfriend-lit,¡¯ so it might not be your bag.¡± ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha. ¡°Shit, I¡¯m rambling . My point is that it might be related to Tali¡¯s situation. With her weird magic stuff¡­ and with the weird language shit¡­ and it just makes sense to me. There¡¯s a bunch of tropes about, like, stuff that Tali might be having problems with right now. ¡®I-se-kai.¡¯ So, like, maybe we can talk about it when you have more energy? Or, like, you can just look up the tropes, if not?¡± Simkha took Tali¡¯s bag while Tali unbuckled and got out of the car. ¡°Uh,¡± said Simkha, ¡°Sure? That¡­ will probably make sense when I¡¯m a person again.¡± ¡°Okay just think about it,¡± said Jennifer. ¡°Byeee-e.¡± ¡°What kind of A.R.G. are you guys playing?¡± asked the driver. ¡°What¡¯s an ¡®eyaar-ji?¡¯¡± asked Jennifer, as she pulled the car door shut. Tali put her arm through Simkha¡¯s. They stood on the pavement and watched the R?deShare pull away. ¡°Tali, you¡¯d tell me if you were from another universe, right?¡± said Simkha. ¡°Euh, Sluu-tou¡­ pell wiis Tali¡­ ruuyn ii saafp ii,¡± said Tali. ¡°Is Tali¡­ is friend Simkha.¡± 2.5 – Talis Simple Plan Tali lay on her side of the bed and waited for the call to come in. She hadn¡¯t noticed when Simkha drifted off to sleep, but she did notice when Simkha rolled over and cuddled up to her. Tali certainly noticed when Simkha¡¯s hand shifted across her soustaise, the joint of Simkha¡¯s thumb settling gently about an inch below Tali¡¯s navel. Tali considered the call to be a welcome distraction when the audio ping finally came through. She dismissed the ¡°audio incoming¡± notification in the corner of her SIGN display and waited for Professor Elkano¡¯s voice to be transmitted to her inner ear. ??Diver Prime, this is Dive Control. Repeat¡ªthis is Dive Control. Please confirm you¡¯re receiving this call.?? ??Heya Dive Control, this is Diver Prime. I¡¯m receiving. Network link is live. It¡¯s, er, really good to hear from you.?? Tali was surprised to hear how vulnerable her voice sounded, but the professor just chuckled and responded. ??Oh, I remember that tone of voice. Welcome to the Deep-Diver¡¯s Club, Talitha. Your first extended dive is always more stressful than you expect. I did my first when I was a few years older than you. During the Node Drift Crisis. I cried just from hearing my Dive Controller talk in High Tongue. And of course, your dive was not supposed to be extended. So let¡¯s have a status report¡ªhow are you holding up??? ??Er,?? said Tali. How was Tali holding up? She had felt excited when she slipped away on her little adventure that afternoon. But as soon as she realized she couldn¡¯t find Simkha¡¯s friends, that feeling of triumph turned into anxiety. Then she had been accosted by Simkha¡¯s hot, mean friend. And then Simkha was crying. And then, well... ??I have no idea. Today felt a bit touch and go, but I guess I¡¯m doing good now??? Tali steadied her voice and shared a quick recap of her last twenty-four hours. She thought it was a pretty good recap, only slightly edited to omit the Simkha-related fumbling that she was trying to ignore. ??So,?? said Tali, ??How¡¯s that rescue plan coming??? ??Well,?? said the professor, ??that¡¯s a bit of a mixed bag, Diver. We¡¯ve faced more serious hologram crises, but most of them have also been much simpler than this one. Let me outline my agenda for the rest of this call.?? ??Let¡¯s do it, Dive Control.?? ??First, I¡¯ll walk you through our rescue plan. That¡¯s going to include both the actual rescue, and the preliminary work before the rescue. Second, we¡¯ll discuss how the department can support you. That¡¯s going to include supporting your part of the rescue plan, and supporting your general life-needs while you¡¯re stuck in the Hologram. You have some pretty daunting work to do. But your sister seems to think it won¡¯t bother you. Third, you can ask any questions you have for us, or you can just tell us about anything important you think we might have missed. After this call, we¡¯ll set up a regular exchange of compressed data bursts between your SIGN and the bagel. We¡¯re thinking an automatic connection for a few seconds once a day, which we can use to exchange emails, videos, and data. Now then, do you have any questions before we start??? Tali felt overwhelmed again. She placed her hand atop Simkha¡¯s and paused for the duration of one deep breath. ??I think I do have a question. Is Hanners there? You said ¡®your sister¡¯ before, and I guess you kept saying ¡®we,¡¯ and, well.?? ??Ms. Kohen? Hannah??? A fumbling sound crackled through the connection before Hannah spoke up. ??I¡¯m here, Tal. Miss you. Our parents say ¡®be safe.¡¯ I¡¯m gonna spend the next little while uploading a resource packet to your SIGN frame. But I¡¯m listening to the call, and I can jump in if needed. Officially, I¡¯m just here to keep the professor on-track with the agenda. We can talk more later.?? ??Hi, Hanners,?? said Tali with a smile. ??You know, I just asked if you were there. Bold of you to assume I wanted to hear from you.?? Hannah blew a dismissive raspberry. ??Bold of you to assume I care what you want. Love you too, sis.?? Professor Elkano chuckled. ??Well then let¡¯s put on our ¡®scholar¡¯ hats and begin, shall we? Our plan to rescue you is this: we¡¯re going to figure out how to rescue you, and then we¡¯re going to rescue you.?? Tali Blinked. Professor Elkano chuckled again, more self-consciously. ??Now, the plan is actually much better than it sounds. We have thoroughly tested the Big Bagel, and we are confident that it is still capable of creating a link between four-dimensional space and the hologram. We can still create an anchoring gate out here.?? ??Mmmhmmm,?? said Tali ??We can¡¯t actually test whether Bagel gates can form in the Hologram because we can¡¯t create any new links to the inside. But all our theorists agree that it ought to be just as possible. If you had your own Bagel in there, then you could create your end of the gate.?? ??My own... Bagel...?? ??The real problem arises trying to connect the inside to the outside. A link must be possible, because otherwise this SIGN network would have broken and this call would not be happening. But it¡¯s almost like the physics in there and the physics out here have gone out of alignment.?? ??That¡¯s not good,?? said Tali. ??Dad always said it took them decades and billions of credits to figure out gate travel with the first Bagel.?? ??It will take us much less time,?? said Professor Elkano. ??Which is for the best, given how psychotic the Council of Cladarchs and the Antecladists are acting right now. The things they claim we¡¯re doing... one must wonder how anyone could actually believe what they say.?? ??Hmmm,?? said Tali. She grimaced, opened her mouth, closed it, and let out a frustrated huff. ??Professor,?? interrupted Hanners. ??You¡¯re getting off-agenda.?? ??Ah. Quite right, thank you. Miss Talitha, the calibration isn¡¯t going to take decades this time because we¡¯re going to be calibrating from both sides of the Hologram. Out here, we¡¯ll run our tests with the Big Bagel. As for you in there...?? ??Professor, it almost sounds like you want me to build my own Bagel inside the Hologram.?? ??Well yes, we do,?? said Professor Elkano. ??But don¡¯t panic Tali. We will help you every step of the way.?? ??B u i l d?m y?o w n?B a g e l . . .?? Talitha started to shake. ??Diver? Talitha??? probed the Professor. ??THIS IS GONNA BE SO GODDAMN COOL!?? said Tali. ??Oh,?? said Professor Elkano. ??I¡¯m gonna build a Bagel! My own Bagel! Eat it, dad!?? ??This is what I meant,?? sighed Hannah. ??Talitha, I want to be sure you know how important this work is. I expected you to find it daunting. Not just your safety, but the entire future of Hologram studies could rest on this dive,?? said Professor Elkano.If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. ??Like, I guess, it¡¯s gonna be hard,?? said Tali. ??But this is, like, a dream of mine. Our dad always used to talk about building the Big Bagel. But he stopped talking after... er, we call it ¡®Typhoon Tali.¡¯ He refuses to talk about it now. Hannah thinks that he thinks I¡¯ll blame myself for screwing up all the work he did.?? ??Hold up,?? interjected Hannah. ??Nobody but you calls the Anomaly Incident ¡®Typhoon Tali.¡¯ This is why everybody says you blame yourself for it¡ªwhat else is that name supposed to mean? It¡¯s exactly why he thinks you¡¯d be happier studying in a different department.?? ??Well, now he can¡¯t keep that over-protective crap up any more,?? said Tali. ??He¡¯ll basically have to open up about Bagel stuff.?? ??I mean... ugh,?? said Hannah, ??I guess you got what you want, because he already has opened up. Look at your resource packet and find the file labeled ¡®Bagel Design ¡ª Annotated.¡¯ Well dad¡¯s the one who annotated it. He left you a little note too.?? Sure enough, there it was. And there was the note. Just four words at the beginning. I''m proud of you. Tali was fine. She blinked her eyes clear, looked over at Simkha, set her jaw, and calmed her breathing. ??Okay,?? said Tali. ??I have to build that Bagel.?? The Bagel-building plan was relatively simple. For one thing, Tali would have to take the annotated Bagel diagrams in the resource packet and re-do all the math. For yet-unclear reasons, the calculations attached to the diagrams degraded into uselessness when they were sent into the hologram. And for the same reason, Tali couldn¡¯t send her calculations back out of the hologram for Bweim-biew physicists to check. ??Even if we can¡¯t check your math,?? said Elkano, ??We have other ways to help you get the resources you need to stay alive and build your Bagel. For example, we think you could exchange several of our cultural innovations for access to resources.?? ??Well, I guess you can¡¯t Bagel the resources directly to me in here. And without knowing anything about the current system of resource-distribution...?? ??Let¡¯s put first things first,?? said Professor Elkano. ??And our first problem is the fact that you don¡¯t speak the native language. We can¡¯t expect you to build a machine this involved without native help.?? ??Please tell me the linguistics department has some kind of self-teaching translation software or... something??? ??Well, I started by asking if they had some kind of universal translator. They laughed at me and asked how I thought language works.?? ??Sounds a little harsh.?? ??I thought so too, but then one of them called me a ¡®brainless Chomskian.¡¯ They started arguing, and next thing I know, one of the students hit her professor with a chair. Makes me reevaluate how comparatively nice they were acting towards me.?? ??What the professor is supposed to be telling you,?? cut in Hannah, ??is just which resources the linguists actually sent. Look in your resource packet. Your first program under ¡®Languages¡¯ is a layman¡¯s guide to learning an undocumented language. It¡¯ll help you determine when your pronunciation is good enough and when it might cause confusion. It¡¯ll walk you through analyzing units of meaning and their organization. And it tells you how to puzzle all your language concepts together. You should also use the second program in there¡ªit¡¯s a language immersion assistant that runs in the background on your SIGN frame.?? ??Well... I guess that¡¯s better than nothing. I already started trying to learn their [English] language, and it¡¯s been kicking my ass.?? ??You¡¯ll have to stick to it, Diver. Your rescue¡¯s not the only thing riding on this project.?? ??Even if it was,?? said Hannah, ??you still have to come back. That¡¯s the most important thing for me.?? ??I¡¯ll do it. But maybe you could send me an advanced SIGN user guide, too? It could be, er, it could be helpful to swap my HUD to the native script as I learn it.?? ??That¡¯s already in your resource packet. But don¡¯t get too narrowly focused on any one topic. We will need a wide range of information to plan what comes next. If you need a break from learning languages and doing math, then try to figure out how the natives handle resource distribution. It probably won¡¯t be as obvious as social credits, but we will need to understand it.?? ??Sure, I can do that too!?? said Tali. ??I¡¯ve actually made a pretty good start already.?? ??Just be careful, Diver,?? warned the Professor. ??Your safety is important. Ah, your sister says we are running short on our allotted time. So, what questions or information do you have for us??? ??Er,?? said Tali ??What about... can I ask for support for Simkha, too??? Simkha shifted in her sleep, nuzzling Tali¡¯s shoulder. ??Hmmm,?? said Professor Elkano. ??Support for your Simkha? What do you mean by ¡®support?¡¯?? ??Erm, right,?? said Tali. ??I just want to help Simkha make the most of her SIGN frame. After all, I need her to keep using it. And the best way to do that is to make sure she wants to keep using it.?? ??I think that sounds reasonable, ?? mused Elkano, ??so it should be fine. We ought to deal as fairly as possible with our native contacts, especially as we move out of our current crisis.?? Tali held her breath, waiting for Hannah to object. When Hannah said nothing, Tali cleared her throat and spoke as confidently as she could. ??So Simkha¡¯s SIGN frame isn¡¯t taking her readings right. Like, it won¡¯t automatically calibrate. I¡¯m trying to do it manually, but I¡¯m not sure I¡¯m doing it right. I don¡¯t know how to fix it.?? ??Hmmm,?? said Professor Elkano, ??did you turn on ND mode??? ??What, er, what is ND mode??? ??Talitha, I believe this is a question you can answer yourself if you think it through,?? said Professor Elkano. ??Ask yourself: how does a SIGN frame usually take readings??? ??I guess,?? said Tali, ??it, like, takes data from those laser pulse things, and compares that against the signals it hijacks from your body¡¯s own, er, its own synaptic structure??? ??That¡¯s right. And why might that system fail for Simkha??? ??Riiight,?? groaned Tali. ??Because her synaptic feedback will be all muddled¡ªfrom the Autism and from the dimensional scarring.?? ??Then what should ND mode do??? asked Professor Elkano. ??I guess it must, like, turn off the synaptic information feed??? ??Just so,?? said Professor Elkano. ??It will give her less information than she might otherwise have, but it will give her correct information. And it will even show her the most likely reasons for the information she¡¯s getting. Her information will improve if you can build a bagel over there, since it will be able to supplement the sensors in her frame. You still have to calibrate her SIGN manually, though. Look up ND mode in the advanced user guide. Okay??? ??Okay,?? said Tali. ??I will do that. I feel silly that my answer was in the guide. But while we¡¯re talking about Simkha, would you also send us a learner¡¯s guide for High Tongue? I think it would help her navigate her HUD better. And you would understand the situation better if you could just talk to her.?? ??Mmm...?? said Professor Elkano. ??Hannah??? ??I, er,?? said Hannah. ??I¡¯ll send it. I think, well, yes we can send that to you. But also it may behoove us to be... circumspect? I want us to maintain a nice, clean, professional relationship with Simkha. Let¡¯s not forget what we talked about yesterday regarding emotional distance. And avoiding complications. Maybe even avoiding actions that could lead to complications??? Tali looked down at Simkha¡¯s sleeping form. Simkha had curled up with her nose pressed against Tali¡¯s upper arm and her knees by Tali¡¯s hip. ??Yeah. I¡¯ll be careful, sis.?The last thing Simmie needs right now is another Typhoon Tali. Heck, that¡¯s the last thing the Hologram needs, without the Big Bagel working.?? ??...?? ??Tal, did you just call her ¡®Simmie.¡¯?? Tali groaned. ??Oh my god it¡¯s fine,?? said Tali. ??Don¡¯t worry about it.?? ??Hmmmmrngh...?? Simkha groaned. Simkha blinked her eyes open. ??Ogh... Tal?... Leafste... Esyebleaft. Stil te bwezen pesygye. Ig... E?ns, ?t fery?t. Tocht bwet ty sear??? ??...?? ??...?? ??...?? ??Bwerom pyndl?g syochsto. Is m?sg?en gyo oprop yn heraldmodus? Spregge.?? ??Tali...?? said Hannah. ??Where are you... in relation to Simkha... right now??? ??It¡¯s fine!?? Tali squeaked. ??It¡¯s not like that! Simkha¡¯s putting me up, right, but her flat is small... So my futon is right next to her bed.?? ??I¡¯m sure that¡¯s the case,?? said professor Elkano. ??But I still must remind you that you are on a university dive. While you are an adult who may act as she likes in her free time, you are still expected to uphold university standards of professionalism. Your extracurricular activities must not endanger the integrity of our rescue mission.?? ??Got it,?? said Tali. ??No problem.?? ??Sis...?? sniffled Tali. ??Please play it safe. Please. We need you here, yeah??? ??Ferdomme. Hew ?g gyo plen ferwune??? mumbled Simkha. ??Ferdomme! T?nge se tet bwy tegearre sl?epe? No, ?g tegearre neugen pedoel . Net sl?epe.?? ??OkayGottaGo,?? said Tali. ??MessageYouTomorrow¡ªBye! ?? 2.6 – Adventure Day Falling asleep in the arms of a sleepy, cuddly Simkha was incredibly easy. Simkha was basically the perfect teddy-bear. Assuming the idea of teddy-bears existed in Simkha¡¯s universe? Tali and Simkha spent most of the next day in Simkha¡¯s flat. Tali spent the morning doing calculations to build a Bagel for her rescue-me-from-the-hologram project. She double-checked her maths as she went, recording her results in her SIGN frame. Tali assumed Simkha was working on schoolwork¡ªtranscribing notes and organizing them in an outline. When Tali asked what Simkha was doing, Simkha said ??Uh. [It] bwurdt [called the] wa-sho-ver-tech-n?que. [For] Erchaeobotanu.?? By the early afternoon, Tali needed a break. She flopped across the loveseat and made a silly face at Simkha, trying to snag her attention. Simkha didn¡¯t notice. She turned back and forth between her notes and her laptop and typed furiously. Tali hadn¡¯t seen the new, grown-up Simkha in this kind of fugue state yet. She spent a few minutes observing Simkha, the little furrow on her brow, the sharp motion of her eyes, and the restless bouncing of her leg. Tali smiled softly and tapped a foot along with Simkha. As a child, Simkha would throw an absolute fit whenever an adult made her stop in the middle of one task to perform another. Young Tali had seen how much that distressed her friend, and took it upon herself to protect young Simkha from unnecessary interruptions. She had been Simkha¡¯s most ardent protector. Of course that was then and this was now. Both girls had changed, to varying degrees. Adult Tali had years more schooling under her belt. She had learned in the classroom about autism, mental derailment, and specifically autistic experiences of distress. Adult Simkha had probably learned the same things, and learned to minimize her own distress. And, of course, some interruptions were necessary. So Simkha would probably tell Tali to interrupt her in order to meet her own needs. Yeah, needs. Needs like¡­ leaving the flat. Like having adventures. Like having adventures with Simkha. Tali pulled out the chair across the table from Simkha, crouched on it like a gargoyle, stared at Simkha, and waited. After seventeen seconds, Simkha blinked. She refocused her eyes. She looked up, saw Tali, and her lips twitched into a smile. ??Sim-khaaa?? moaned Tali. ??[I am] booo-ored! [I] wanna go out! [I] wanna eat! [I] want [exercise]!?? ??Uhhh,?? said Simkha. ??[Do you] ?n ku?er gean wolle??? Tali cocked an eyebrow and said nothing. ??Uh, Ku?er??? repeated Simkha. She walked a hand across the table using two fingers as legs. ??Ku?er me? tyn fuotten??? ??Hmmm,?? said Tali. She lifted one leg up, raising her foot above the edge of the table. ??[Is this called] ¡®fuotten?¡¯?? ??[Um, yes],?? said Simkha. ??In fuot.?? If fuotten meant ¡°foot,¡± then ku?er must mean ¡°walk.¡± ??[Yes]!?? said Tali. ??[You-me is foot-walk. Walk is good!]!?? Tali pestered Simkha for more English words while they got ready to go out. She got words for
162. Walk, 163. Foot, 164. Feet, 165. Toe, 166. Sock, 167. Shoe, 168. Sandal (equivalent, but distinct to ¡°shoe¡±), and 169. Bag
As soon as Simkha was ready, Tali rushed down the stairs and out onto the street. Ahhh! Tali thought this Fir-stox-ford city was way nicer than Tangiers. The weather here was comfortable. The air was pleasantly warm. And this particular day was perfect for an adventure. Tali basked in the afternoon glow while Simkha locked the door behind them. Tali seized Simkha¡¯s arm and dragged her off in an arbitrary direction. Tali marched them up one road, down another, and all the way along a third. Soon enough, Tali and Simkha came upon a bustling city square. To one side of the square, a steady stream of people spilled out of one of those pointy Christian temples. To the other side of the square, a small mob of middle-aged people in self-similar clothing milled through a cluster of artsy-looking booths. All those people talked loudly in tones that reminded Tali of pointless university feuds. Tali cocked her head as she observed. She tilted to just the right angle, then waited for her SIGN to do its thing. After about an eighth of a second, her display winked out, spent another quarter second loading, and then activated Social Analysis Mode¡ªSAM for short. The acronym wasn¡¯t actually SAM in High Tongue, but Tali would have agreed that SAM sounds much better than ?h?N. Tali¡¯s SAM highlighted the closest member of the crowd first, a middle-aged man wearing a tweed suit. ??ANALYZING PHYSIOLOGICAL EMOTIONAL SIGNS¡­ VERY PROBABLE: Disgust, annoyance PROBABLE: Hunger, arousal, confidence POSSIBLE: Satisfaction, distr¡ª?? With a flick of her eyes, Tali switched her SAM to group analysis mode. ??ANALYZING INTERPERSONAL INTERACTIONS¡­ SALIENT DYNAMICS: Group loyalty, fear of outsiders, fear of exclusion, fear o¡ª?? Tali glanced behind her, where Simkha wore an anxious expression. ??NO GROUP DETECTED. INDIVIDUAL ANALYSIS RESUMED. ANALYZING PHYSIOLOGICAL EMOTIONAL SIGNS¡­ VERY PROBABLE: Anxiety PROBABLE: Anxiety (elevated), fear, determination, arousa¡ª?? Tali flicked her SIGN back to standard mode. She didn¡¯t need help seeing past Simkha¡¯s poor attempts to hide feelings. She could tell this was not the right place to begin their adventure. Tali picked a new direction and led Simkha away. After about four minutes, they reached the river and stopped. Tali noticed something odd. Or more accurately, she felt an ambiguous feeling that something was different about the district across the river. Just what was the difference? Maybe it was the style of the buildings? Comparing them directly, Tali thought they might be a little bigger, newer, and more closely packed than the buildings over here. But that didn¡¯t feel like enough of an explanation. Maybe the difference was in the pedestrian streets? The walking streets were set further apart from the automotive streets and didn¡¯t even follow the same grid layout. The connecting paths were set off by bollards. And the pedestrian areas were brick-cobbled in a style similar to the older parts of the Bweim-Biew campus. Or the difference could be in the writing? Both sides of the river were practically covered in signs, banners, and other words. At first glance, both scripts appeared identical. Both used glyphs that were almost-but-not-quite identical to the crude alphabet she had learned for Saxonnaise. A second glance revealed that the script across the river had adopted a whole host of diacritics not used over here. But for all their differences, the two districts had much more in common. They were constructed from the same materials. Their architectural details seemed like variations on the same theme. And they were joined by several bridges, allowing for a fairly steady flow of people hither and yon. ??[Simkha, what is that place]??? asked Tali. ??Uh,?? said Simkha, ??lyg, [what is it named]??? ??[Yes, what is it named]??? said Tali. ??[That is],?? said Simkha, ??Saxe-Occ?dental.?? Simkha pointed down at the river. ??[That is] ?n ?r?v?er. [It is called] te ?r?v?er te Teems.?? Simkha spoke with a slight edge to her voice, prompting Tali to look again. Simkha did her best to wrestle her face into a neutral expression, but she had not become more skilled at hiding her thoughts over the years. ??[What is], er, [what is not good]??? asked Tali. ??[This place, Saxe-Occidental. It is¡­] er, [Is it not-good?]?? Simkha ducked her head. ??[No],?? she said. ??[It is good].?? ??[Then what is not-good]??? Simkha pouted. Tali waited. Simkha gestured to the district across the river as she answered. ??Yn Saxe-Occ?dental, se [talk] te Franske [language]. [I do not talk] Fransk.?? Tali nodded. She had thought about the language barrier as a potential obstacle to a proper adventure with Simkha. But maybe she¡¯d been thinking about it wrong. Maybe it could even be an advantage. She smiled. But how could she get Simkha to go along with her plan?? ??[Good we],?? said Tali. ??[Talk me. Relax you. Happy you. Happy me. Happy we. Walk we! Good]??? Simkha closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She set her jaw. When she opened her eyes, they gleamed with determination. Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon. ??[Yes],?? said Simkha. ??[Good]?? ??[So you took Simkha] op ?n [d??a??te?] [all afternoon],?? said Hrefna. ??[And she spent all afternoon to] pesocht [teach you English]??? Tali sat next to Simkha at Mika and Hrefna¡¯s kitchen table. Tali had figured out that this was a sort of weekly study group, although nobody was studying the same materials. Tali struggled to follow the conversation. ??[It] bw?e [not a] [d??a??te?]!?? said Simkha. ??[Tali] bw?e [clear]¡ª[¡®Adventure¡¯ is the] goede [word]. [Her] pezgr?uw?ng bw?e [clear].?? ??Hreffie! [Simkha] sefoldle [not] tease,?? said Mika. ??[Simkha], negearye [her]!?? ??[No]!?? protested Hrefna. ??[Do not] negearye [me]! [I] s?l, lyg, utdoen [my clothes]!?? ??[What is], er, [what is] ¡®[d??a??te?]¡¯??? asked Tali. To Tali¡¯s left, Simkha squirmed and sat kinda weird in her seat, her legs half-crossed and half propped against the table. Moving clockwise from Simkha sat Hrefna, with one leg in front of her and the other crossed to splay out and touch knees with Mika on her other side. Next to Mika sat an exceptionally thin woman with a dark brown Titus cut who introduced herself as ¡®Corey¡¯ and sat with almost too-perfect posture. Finally, Jneffner sat between Corey and Tali, her body turned away from the table and her legs hooked up under her chair. ??[A] ¡®[d??a??te?]¡¯ [is what you and Simkha did this afternoon],?? said Hrefna. ??[A] ¡®[d??a??te?]¡¯ [is] gedlig [what you and Simkha did this afternoon],?? said Mika. ??[But if you and Simkha] hie bwest [g?i?rl?-fr?i?en?ds]. Bwechtsye, [do you know what] ''[g?i?rl?-fr?i?en?d]'' [means]??? ??[What is] ¡®[g?i?rl?-fr?i?en?d]?¡¯?? ??[It is], lygas, uh, lygas [me and Hrefna]? [Or if you two also] bw?ene, lygas, tutsye [and had]-ende [sex]. Bwechtsye, [you] bw?erzgyndl?g [do not know] tutsyen [or sex], bwol??? ??Moatte [we] temonstrearye, pebe??? asked Hrefna. ??Freegye [ask Simkha to show] om [you ''sex'' later] fennacht te l?tten,?? Corey told Tali. Simkha choked on nothing. Tali may not have understood the whole conversation, but she could absolutely understand teasing Simkha. She allowed a sly smirk to grow on her face. ??[Nooo-o],?? corrected Tali, ??[I know ¡®sex.¡¯ Simkha teach me ¡®sex¡¯ already. Simkha teach me ¡®sex.¡¯ Right away, first night I see her].?? Hrefna cackled. ??G*d ferdomme. Et tu, Tal?? Et tu, Corey??? Simkha groaned, turned towards the rest of the table, and hid her face ??[I taught her the word for ''sex''], [but it] bw?e [not] se, uh, [that]. [We know] eldlegear [that I am] te swag [for that]. Foar sef?er''t [I know, Tali is] hundert pros?nt heterosegzueel.?? Tali grinned at Simkha ??[Tali, you are an] oproer,?? said Hrefna. ??[A sex]-grep me?tsye [not mean that you want to] neuge,?? said Corey. ??Meh,?? said Mika, ??[I do not] t?ng [that she is on the team] fen [Jneffner].?? ??N?mmen [wants to be on my team] bweze,?? sighed Jneffner. She made an odd expression. Tali frowned. She cocked her head to the side until her SAM turned on. ANALYZING PHYSIOLOGICAL EMOTIONAL SIGNS¡­ VERY PROBABLE: Melancholy, anger PROBABLE: Insecurity, anxiety, excitement POSSIBLE: Disgust, anticipation, vigilance Tali flipped her SIGN back to standard mode. ??...[but I] freegye [you]: freegye [her not],?? said Simkha. ??[Jneffner, is not true],?? said Tali. ??[We are team here. We want team you.]?? ??Hmph,?? grumbled Jneffner. ??[Tali is] lygwols gedlyg, [Jen]?? said Mika. ??Lygas, t?ng [about why Georgia kept making] ?n grep [that you must] temug [be] p?-[sex]-ueel, [in the] sms-groep. [The] sms-groep [is] ?n totaal, lygas ... seppyzge sosyadle-[club]. Seppyzg synd?gaat? Bwetever¡ª[my point is that was her] men?er [of saying that you] hearre [on the team].?? ??Queer Qabal?? said Corey. ??T?ge-Teng.?? ??[That is a better name]?? said Mika, ??[But this is] ?n oare sms-groep. [You are not in it]. [We will have to] feroarye [the name] ne?''t [when you have] tefoege.?? ??Utse?n [Georgia named it] GyokkPlokk,?? said Hrefna ??[and that name], lyg, [works for Corey already].?? ??[So], uh,?? said Jneffner, picking at a nail. ??[Simkha. Tali. What did you two] e?ns t?en? [Did you] echt eldl?n?ch [learn English all afternoon]??? Tali looked at Simkha and raised an eyebrow. Simkha shrugged. Tali figured she could explain their afternoon, given what they¡¯d done. ??Er,?? said Tali. ??[We go to adventure. We go to place. We adventure to place. Simkha teach to me to words to adventure].?? ??[Yeah],?? said Simkha. ??[We talked about what we did. I taught her words as] ned?ch.?? ??Ogee, [Tali,] t??d [for a] test. [Tell us what you two did]??? ??Erm, [yes]??? said Tali. ??Hmmm. [We go-ed to over-river. To French city. We see-ed big small child. Small child played to foot-ball].?? ??[Many small childs],?? corrected Simkha. ??Uh,?? said Hrefna. ??[Many small child-ren],?? corrected Corey. ??[Simkha take foot-ball to from many small children],?? said Tali. ??[Kick foot-ball to sky].?? ??Bwechtsye!?? said Simkha. ??[I] fong [the ball when the kids] kontrodle ferdlearen. [Then I showed them how to] gyongdleren [it].?? ??[Kicked foot-ball faaa-aaar to sky]¡­?? said Tali. ??[You were] tease te [me, weren¡¯t you]??? said Simkha. ??[And she did it well, didn¡¯t she]??? said Hrefna. ??[You can] gyongdleren [a football]??? asked Jneffner. ??[Yeah],?? said Simkha ??[I''ve been a] pytsye obsedearre [with football]-trukyes [for], lygas, ?n pear gy?er.?? ??[Did you] bwolr?s [consider a football team]??? asked Jneffner. ??[And then we find big world, little city. Many little city. And Simkha smoosh, smoosh, smoosh! Kill, kill, kill! Smoosh-kill all the little city.]?? ??[Smoosh smoosh, kill kill]??? asked Mika. ??[Did you] gyonges [find that], lygas, tolve-meter [tall globe built], lygas, [into the] hoege [of that museum]??? asked Corey. ??[Yes]!?? said Tali, ??[Globe is word! Big mu-se-um, big world-globe]!?? ??[What was all the ¡®smoosh¡¯ and ¡®kill¡¯], ten??? asked Mika. ??Ummm,?? said Hrefna. ??Fensels [it] bw?e [smooshing and killing all the cities] sk?ldere [onto the globe]??? ??Uh, [yeah],?? Simkha admitted. ??[It] bw?e.?? ??Hell [yeah],?? agreed Hrefna. ??[smoosh and kill is,] lygas, [the] fenselsspreggend [thing you do at the big globe].?? ??[Then we go to ca-fe],?? said Tali. ??[Simkha buy me cute drink, cute pas-try. And two cute girl, they talk to us. They ask if we to-ga-ther. Oh! Like ¡®date!¡¯ Like ¡®girlfriend¡¯]!?? ??[It] bw?e gr?f [a date],?? said Hrefna. ??[What did you tell the girls]??? ??Erm,?? said Tali. ??[One girl, she asked to give to me to¡­ num-ber? Yes, num-ber. Simkha tell to me to the meaning of num-ber. I say to girl, I no. She not], erm, [¡®my type¡¯]?¡¯?? Mika and Hrefna exchanged a considering look. ??[Don¡¯t] ?ens [think about it, you two],?? said Simkha. ??[And two girl],?? said Tali, ??[ask to give to Simkha to number].?? ??Oh??? ??[And Simkha say ¡®AH, AH, ER, ERM, AH, ERM, NO, YES, NO, ERM,¡¯ yes]??? Hrefna cracked up. ??[So two girl, she make the word to the napkin, give napkin to Simkha, go to away].?? ??[Did Simkha keep her number]??? ??[No]!?? said Simkha. ??Fensels [not! I took Tali back to our flat and we did schoolwork]!?? ??[Schoolwork]??? asked Jen. ??[Tali, you have schoolwork]??? ??Eh,?? said Tali. ??[I write maths].?? ??[Took her back to our flat?]?? Mika smiled. ??[I am] pl??d [that you two are] me??noar komme!?? Tali grinned. Simkha groaned.