ã€ŠLords of Dragon Keep [A humorous Isekai LitRPG]ã€‹


 Chapter One - The Book is Finally Completed

    ¡°You want me to what?¡± I asked, looking up from my cubicle. It contained a messy collection of papers, Post-it notes, and a pewter dragon that was the only sign of my humanity permitted by employers. Such was the soul crushing nature of my job as an Epic DungeoneeringTM programmer.

    Be a video game designer!

    Write amazing stories!

    Program new worlds!

    It was difficult to imagine I''d been so naive in college but, somehow, I''d convinced myself that this was the career I''d wanted. I''d ended up signing a lifetime contract, which seems like I''m exaggerating but doesn''t feel like it, with a company that had a non-compete clause for about a million years in every similar field. That was something that also should be illegal, but the company was fully willing to drag out in court as poor Sue Wilson had found out. Given the company was based in Ledziania (wasn''t that where Doctor Doom lived?) but I operated from their office in Michigan, I suspected there may also be some international laws at play as well.

    The thing was that I''d been working at programming and pitching game material at Epic DungeoneeringTM for about ten years now. So far, despite claiming we were a family, I was the deformed relative they kept tied up in the attic and every single idea I''d proposed had been shot down. It had been endless parades of crunch, bug fixing, and working on live service monetization that made me feel like I was preying on my fellow gamers.

    "Meet with Larry C.C. Weis," Barbara Wojciechowski said. No, I have no idea how to pronounce that and my family was Polish. My mother is so ashamed. I only knew it from her nametag at the manager''s office. I don''t think she''d ever said her last name in person, or I might have been able to fake it.

    Barbara was one of the Epic DungeoneeringTM staff that had transferred over from Eastern Europe  to oversee the American part of the company and was an extremely pleasant fifty-something brown haired woman who I suspected had been a kindergarten teacher before communism fell. At least she treated her staff like children and sometimes pulled out a hand puppet to explain difficult concepts to us like, "You''re going to be doing a lot of overtime and not getting paid any extra for it. Oh, and try to find a job in this economy. Bark-bark." The hand-puppet was a dog, you see. She dressed in a long cotton dress and tweed sweater that still had big mom energy, albeit the mom who locked her children in the aforementioned attic.

    "You''re kidding, right?" I asked, looking up.

    Barbara scrunched her nose. "Why would I be kidding?"

    I blinked, wondering if this was a prank before realizing I didn''t want to know if it was. Larry C.C. Weis was the patron saint of Epic DungeoneeringTM and the reason it had gone from an obscure Eastern European gaming studio to an international phenomenon with multiple streaming shows and one other semi-successful franchise.

    Sort of a Ledzianian George R.R. Martin or Iron Curtain Tolkien, Larry C.C. Weis had written the Dark Undermaster series and Epic DungeoneeringTM had bought the rights to it back it had probably cost sixty rupees and a goat. Okay, seriously, I''m not trying to be stereotypical here, but I just worked forty hours straight trying to get the Witch Queen of Angho''horak from clipping through her armor. Something I was pretty sure the base game programmers had done deliberately.

    Well, in the wake of Game of Thrones, the Dark Undermaster series had ended up being an international success and the third one topped twenty-million sales. That was in addition to all the spin-offs and merchandising that had ticked off Larry C.C. Weis something fierce.

    If you believed the online rumors, Larry had been so pissed off that he''d stopped writing the Dark Undermaster series right before the epic climax and was no longer interested in finishing it. This despite millions of fans anxiously waiting for the next installment and all the adaptations running out of material. Err, bring to life. It was particularly problematic for Epic DungeoneeringTM because they depended on their reputation as a scrappy underdog developer that honored the fandom despite keeping people like me chained up to our computers.

    "The Larry C.C. Weis?" I asked, blinking. I briefly wondered if there was another Larry C.C. Weis in accounting or something. It wasn''t entirely impossible since one of my fellow programmers was named Jon Snowman. I bet his parents were regretting that bit of naming convention. Then again, I couldn''t really complain myself given my name.

    Barbara sniffed the air as if there was something foul in it. Her accent became sharper and went into full Natasha Fatale territory. "Yes, the writer."

    The executives at Epic DungeoneeringTM had developed a love-hate-hate relationship with Larry as I''d understood it and it had trickled down to the middle managers like Barbara. Some of my fellow programmers had even developed the hissing and spitting at his name that seemed in vogue but most of us kept a wry respect for the old dude. After all, we all had developed a burning hatred for the guys at the top. They may have started as fellow geeks, but they''d all ended up as Sauron rather than Frodo.

    "Why the hell does Larry C.C. Weis want to speak with me?" I asked, wishing I had some coffee right now, but I''d have to fight six other guys at the break room who had been working even longer than I had. "How the hell does Larry C.C. Weis even know who the hell I am?"

    "Listen, Aragorn," Barbara started to speak.

    "Aaron," I said, softly correcting her for the fifteenth time.

    "It says Aragorn on your employment sheet," Barbara said, as if I didn''t know my own name.

    "Yes, but I go by Aaron," I said, annoyed.

    "Why?" Barbara asked.

    "So, I could survive high school," I replied, sighing. "As Aaron Bartkowski is more likely to make it past their freshmen year."

    "Mr. Aragorn Bartkowski," Barbara said, reaching into her dress pockets (which was a good thing to see they had) and removed the hand puppet. She then started speaking in a little children''s dog voice. "Grr, you need to go meet with Mr. Weis and get some contracts signed. He requested you personally. Bark-bark."

    I stared at her. "Is the hand puppet strictly necessary?"

    I bet you thought I''d been kidding about the hand puppet? Well, welcome to my life.

    "Ruff! Yes," Barbara said, not displaying any self-awareness. "Otherwise, it''s your job. Bark."

    I took a deep breath. "So, is he in Latveria? Do I have to get a plane ticket? Please tell me you''re springing for it."

    This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

    "Ledziania," Barbara corrected. "It''s on the border between Poland and Romania."

    "They don''t share a border," I said, wondering if Barbara was aware of where the company''s home country was. I mean, I wasn''t, but I had an excuse. "It''s supposed to be between Poland and Belarus, though I''m not sure where in the big national forest there that it''s supposed to be."

    "Whatever," Barbara said, wiggling her hand puppet''s nose in the air. "Either way, he lives in America now and has since the first Dark Undermaster game. Louis."

    A well-dressed bespectacled man with smoothed over red hair in a suit that he wore constantly came over. Louis Tolliver was Barbara''s majordomo and reminded me suspiciously of Wayland Smithers from The Simpsons. The fact he was sucking up to Barbara made me wonder if he shouldn''t have been slightly more ambitious as a yes man. In his hands was a black briefcase that he handed over to me like we were in Pulp Fiction.

    "The code is 1-2-3-4-5," Louis said, nodding.

    I stared at him. "Big Spaceballs fan, huh?"

    Louis looked confused.

    I shook my head and opened the briefcase, revealing a bunch of white sheets of paper as well as a gold bracelet that looked like an oversized Ring of Power. It even had the elvish looking writing on the side. My eyes watered a bit and I swear, I heard a little bit of whispering coming from it. I shook my head and the sound dissipated.

    "This is the contract for Lords of Dragon Keep," Barbara said, looking from side to side as if she was spreading secret information.

    Which it was. "What? Really? It''s done?"

    Lords of Dragon Keep was the mythical fourth and final volume of the Dark Undermaster saga. The one that he had been working on for the better part of eleven years and everyone had long since given up on him completing. I was surprisingly excited, and it reminded me of the fact that I used to be a fan of the series as well. Well, at least until Season Five of Dark Undermaster when they''d tried to wrap up the story and ruined everything.

    Hell, there had been a time when I''d been a "Undermasterling" every bit as fanatical as any other in the fandom. I''d loved how dark and gritty Westeros had been but had done the teenage boy thing of thinking, "but what if they added more sex and violence." The kind of kid who didn''t understand grimdark was meant to be a pejorative. Knowing that the story was going to be finished was something that caused a little chill to run down my spine. Even if it was nonsensical for me to be involved.

    "Yes, the book is done. This contract provides us the rights to adapt the book to the game series as well as gives us all future rights to the franchise in exchange for a generous lump sum as well as a portion of all future merchandising rights," Barbara said, her tone suggesting the terms were excessive in the author''s favor.

    "Good," I said, before realizing what I was saying. "Err¡ª"

    "Yes, well, he was very specific," Barbara said, annoyed. "You''re also supposed to wear the bracelet."

    "Wear the bracelet," I said, looking at the gold band. "Am I being punked?"

    "I don''t know what that means," Barbara said. "However, I expect your instructions to be followed to the letter. Be sure to make sure he signs the contract, though."

    "Isn''t this the kind of thing that should be done by a lawyer?" I asked, getting the increasing sense something very weird was going on.

    ¡°The contract has been approved by both parties, Mr. Bartkowski,¡± Louis said, his voice cold and flat like a robot''s. ¡°Mr. Weis just enjoys meeting with the people he thinks are the important parts of game development.¡±

    "Uh huh," I said, wondering where he''d been for the entirety of the previous three Dark Undermaster game developments. The guy had been born in 1948 and probably hadn''t seen a computer until he was my dad''s age. Then again, I was used to the suits lying their asses off. On the other hand, if the guy had picked my name out of a hat or off an employee registry, I wasn''t about to complain. I could become the king of the internet by being the guy to leak this.

    "You will, of course, be bound by all confidentiality agreements," Barbara said, immediately crushing my dream of internet fame.

    "Of course," I said, sighing. I noted they still hadn''t said if they were covering my plane ticket. "So where does the guy live in America? Los Angeles? Chicago."

    "1313 Mockingbird Avenue," Louis said. "It''s about a twenty-minute drive."

    I blinked. "He lives in Livonia, Michigan?"

    I suddenly felt like an idiot, wondering how I didn''t know one of my favorite authors lived where I worked. Then again, he was supposed to be a recluse. Still, I would have thought that would have been the kind of thing I''d have found out.

    "You are very easily surprised, Mr. Bartkowski," Barbara said, maneuvering her little toy dog puppet to look disapproving somehow.

    "Please don''t do that," I muttered, creeped out. "Okay, I''ll go tomorrow morning."

    I''d finally managed to fix the Witch Queen of Angho''horak''s clipping nudity problem that would have been a selling point for the first game before they''d dramatically dialed back the Mature rating for DU3 so they could sell console versions on Xbox and Playstation. Now I was running on fumes and needed to collapse on my bed for at least four hours. I was going to be working through the weekend regardless, but I needed to make sure my brain didn''t leak out the side of my ear. You wouldn''t think it would be possible to become desensitized to boobs, digital or otherwise, but somehow it had happened.

    "You''ll go now," Barbara said, her voice sounding almost threatening. "Clock out of your workstation and head there immediately. Be sure to wear the bracelet and make sure he signs the contracts before you sign anything."

    Why was I even surprised. "Sure, I guess. Fine. Wait, why would I sign anything?"

    "Don''t fail us like, Mr. Snowman did," Barbara said.

    I blinked rapidly and looked around for him. I hadn''t seen him in a few days but hadn''t paid much attention in the fury of debugging. I wondered if they''d been fired. Honestly, non-compete clause or not, we had a high turnover rate. "Is he okay?"

    "You have a bright future ahead of you in Epic DungeoneeringTM, Mr. Bartkowski," Louis said. "If you pull this off, you might be looking at a promotion. Imagine yourself as the Team Head for Pwiffle the Mobile Game."

    Pwiffle was the card game that came with Dark Undermaster III and had managed to get a bunch of free publicity from the Far Right when they released a topless card set during a particularly slow news day. They''d recalled that, as they''d always planned to do so, and the current version was designed to be sold to eight-year-olds who had access to their parents'' credit cards. The current Team Head, Becky, described it as being worse than an elementary school drug dealer.

    "Super!" I said, faking as much as enthusiasm as I was humanly capable of, which wasn''t much. It wasn''t so much that I was opposed to selling out, but corporate life didn''t even pay you very much for your soul. I think Becky made like two dollars extra an hour.

    "Be sure to wear the bracelet," Barbara said before waving her hand puppet in the air and speaking in the dog voice. "Bark-bye!"

    I watched them leave. "So, this is what the tenth circle of Hell is like."

    As usual, there was no one there to appreciate my scintillating wit. Sighing, I reached into the briefcase and picked up the bracelet, which was a lot heavier than I expected. It almost felt like real gold.

    "Huh," I said, sliding it on my wrist where it was far too big. Almost immediately, it shrunk down tightly, and the elvish runes glowed bright as I felt an intense stinging sensation like a bee jamming itself into my skin. "Muther¡ª"

    I was caught off-guard by the pain vanishing as a little holographic display of the kind you''d normally see in movies appeared above the bracelet, which was obviously some kind of badly designed theme telephone.

    The display was a little white and black box that showed a bunch of information spread across several menu screens. It was clearly an RPG character sheet, and I could hear the Dark Undermaster theme [violin version] playing in the background.

    ARAGORN "AARON" BARTKOWSKI

    LVL: 1

    CLASS: N/A (see Menu Options)

    ALIGNMENT: GRAY

    AGE: 34

    SEX: MALE

    RACE: HUMAN

    STR: 10

    AGI: 10

    CON: 9

    INT: 16

    WIS: 7

    COM: 15

    CHA: 13

    ARMOR CLASS: 0

    ATTACK: 0

    HEALTH: 5

    FEAT: Taunt

    SPECIAL ABILITIES: NA (see Menu Options)

    Okay. that was weird and slightly insulting about my wisdom. A lot of the menu options were blacked out but there was a typical collection of maps (this one showed Livonia, Michigan as well as the office) as well as items, spell lists, and so on. I played it with for a bit but couldn''t get the class options, so I just gave up. Also, for a cell phone, it didn''t seem to be able to call anybody or play any games. Typical.

    Anyway, I decided to do the job. It wasn''t every day that one got the chance to meet one''s favorite author.

 Chapter Two - Never meet your heroes

    "You''ve got to be kidding me," I muttered, staring at the sight of the house that greeted me as I parked my car at the foot of the crumbling sidewalk in front of it.

    1313 Mockingbird Lane proved to be harder to find than I''d initially suspected. Not the least of which being because it was the address of a TV show family from the Sixties called The Munsters.

    However, with a great deal of perseverance and after falling asleep at a gas station for four hours, I finally managed to find the place. At least, the numbers on the mailbox said 1313 and it was the kind of place you expected a author of grimdark epic fantasy to live in.

    Basically, it looked like a haunted house.

    Not just the, "it looked kind of run down and in need of being condemned" but "Scooby Doo and his friends should be checking this place for real estate fraudsters dressed as ghosts." The place was a Victorian looking place with castle-like towers on each side of the building, an overgrown yard, dead trees, and iron bars on the windows. The house had an extra-large front porch with a swinging bench that was covered in, I kid you not, ravens. The dead trees also sported branches full of crows, all of them looming like they''d stepped out of a Hitchcock movie.

    The rest of the houses in the neighborhood were comparatively normal looking and I had to wonder if they had any opinions on the guy choosing to live like Norman Bates. Still, there was a clean concrete walkway up from the sidewalk to the door and it was only about eight thirty. I wish I could have called ahead but my employers hadn''t given me Weis'' number and I wasn''t about to mention that my ''immediately'' had utterly failed to be anything approaching such. I just hoped the old guy hadn''t gone to bed.

    Dude was almost eighty after all.

    The bracelet on my wrist, which I hadn''t figured out a way to remove yet, burned as I picked up the briefcase to my side and stepped out of my used Kia. The car had been a gift from my sister when she''d married her boss and let me know, in no uncertain terms, that she was really hoping I could get a real job at some point. I''d managed to hold down my response that my job was more real than her breaking up a guy''s marriage after a boob job.

    Yeah. I was the younger sibling, could you tell?

    Arwen "Wendy" Bartkowski, yes, our parents had named their kids after fictional lovers, had been yet another product of our fantasy loving household. Mama and Papa Bartkowski had both been Polish immigrants that had fallen in love with the world of J.R.R Tolkien and indoctrinated us in an everlasting love of fictional worlds.

    Or at least that had been the plan.

    The simple fact was that it had partially worked with me, but I primarily enjoyed fiction where the princes and princesses died horribly of dysentery. Arwen, by contrast, had formally rejected all things fantastic and the most fictional thing she enjoyed these days were episodes of The Bachelor and Masked Singer.

    Heading up to the front door, I took a deep breath and proceeded to push the doorbell. That was when I noticed the crows all looking at me. They hadn''t flown away at my presence but were just gazing at me like I was the new meat in the prison yard.

    I gave them the peace sign. "Nevermore."

    One of them, I swear, lifted its wing up as if it was flipping me off.

    Before I could react to that strange turn of events, the door opened, and I found myself looking down at the five-foot three form of Larry C.C. Weis. He was a man with a long white beard, deep black eyes, and dirty ink-stained fingernails. He was dressed in a black Michigan Wolverines sweatsuit with its hoodie up that strangely reminded me of a wizard. He was wearing green Cthulhu house slippers, and I was briefly rendered senseless by the incongruity of the guy''s appearance. I saw the exact same sort of bracelet I was wearing on his wrist as well. Its runes started to glow alongside mine.

    "Uh, hey," I said, looking at my wrist.

    "Welcome!" The man spoke in a voice that was higher pitched than I expected and threw his hands up in the air. "You''re just in time!"

    "Just in time for what?" I asked.

    Larry responded by grabbing me by the arm and pulling me into his house before slamming the door behind me. All the crows jumped from their position on the front porch and lawn before filling the air with hundreds of flapping wings. I was briefly thrown by the experience and needed a second to re-orientate myself.

    The interior of Larry C.C. Weis'' home was enough to cause me to pause even more than any of the other weird things around me had before. It was, in simple terms, the ultimate fantasy man cave. On Youtube, I''d watched a video of Joe Manganiello''s basement that he''d turned into a gigantic Dungeons and Dragons palace with a mounted dragon head, throne, and massive gaming table.

    Dude had nothing on Weis.

    The place''s living room was full of bookshelves full of paperback fantasy of all sorts, a stuffed dragon about the size of a car standing up, a dining room table with a gigantic map of the Southern Kingdoms under glass, framed paintings of his characters along the wall (particularly the women), walls full of replica weapons, an antique looking globe, an owlbear rug (a replica surely), and a burning fireplace that had the heraldry of House Rose over it. The fireplace contained a bubbling cauldron on it as the place smelled of what I was pretty sure was a mixture of weed, incense, and verbena. I recognized all three from my last girlfriend, Nightchilde, who was a great believer in the paganism she''d learned from Amazon''s recommended New Age reading list. Light orchestra music was playing from no discernible source.

    "Wow," I said, staring. "Nice place."

    No man who owned this place would ever get laid, but it was a nice place.

    "Oh, I have hookers for that," Larry said, responding as if he could read my mind.

    "Oh wow," I said, realizing I must have spoken that aloud. "Sorry."

    "No need, no need," Larry said. "The world''s oldest profession for a reason! So, you''re Aragorn Bartkowski."

    "So, they tell me," I said, overwhelmed. Much to my surprise, I noticed one of the ravens had gotten into the house and was sitting on the globe. That was when I noticed the globe was of the world of Mokosh, the setting for the Dark Undermaster saga. Seriously, this guy had clearly been given a lot of merch as part of whatever new deal he''d arranged with the Epic DungeoneeringTM folk.

    "And you''re of pure Slavic descent?" Larry asked.

    I frowned. "I''m not sure you''re legally allowed to ask that, sir."

    "Eh, it''s not a racism thing," Larry said, dismissively. "No one''s blood is better or worse, but the magic is tied to the Earth and is tied to the blood. The Old Gods are hungry and spread their seed among certain lines. If you''re going to invoke them, then you need to make sure that you have their lineage within the tithe. Otherwise, it doesn''t work."

    "Uh huh," I said, wondering if he was talking about his books. "The Old Gods."

    "Perun, Svarog, Baba Yaga, Chernobog, and Veles. You know them, right?" Larry asked.

    "I''ve read your books," I said. "So, I know the names and that Baba Yaga isn¡¯t a god but the mother of all wicked witches. Otherwise, I only know Chernobog from Fantasia."

    Larry smiled. "The kingdom of Ledziania existed once in the place where the Bia?owie?a Forest stands today. It was the last place where the Old Gods were able to make their stand against the Christian knights and their Roman trained wizards. A dark pact was struck with Veles the God of Death, and he pulled the kingdom between this world as well as the next. The people of Ledziania were cheated, though, and the dead would harass them continuously."

    Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

    "Yeah, I''ve played the games too," I replied. "That''s the premise for Eldritch Souls, right? You wrote the script for the third game?"

    Larry frowned. "It is unfortunate that Ledziania keeps trying to come back to this world. It is now a place of black and foul magics that can only bring ruin as well as horror to this world. Sacrifices can keep it bound in its place between worlds but only a champion can lay to rest the spirits of the Old Gods long enough to preserve the world for another generation. Tell me, have you chosen a class yet?"

    Larry C.C. Weis was simultaneously everything I could have hoped and clearly a complete nutjob. It was nice to know there were some genuine eccentrics out there and I wouldn''t have been surprised if his creativity was, shall we say, "chemically enhanced."

    "Not yet," I said, keeping my thoughts to myself. "I take it the bracelet is some sort of tie-in merchandise?"

    "It is the Mark of the Champion," Larry said. "I have sent others into the living story but all of them have either failed to complete the main quest or simply died. The Old Gods are feasting upon these fallen heroes and growing stronger than they''ve ever before. I believe some of the heroes have even chosen to side with them in hopes of riches and power."

    "Yeah, the option to go Black Alignment was something that was really popular in Dark Undermaster 1 and 2," I said. "It was a big mistake removing the chance to go evil in the third game. Majorly reduces replay value. After all, why save the world when you can rule it?"

    Larry glared at me.

    "Right, yeah," I muttered. "Heroism is good. Evil bad."

    Larry shook his head. "I wrote the stories of the Dark Undermaster saga as a warning against fantasy losing its understanding of the costs of good versus evil. That the triumph of virtue was not always guaranteed and that it often had horrific costs."

    "Yeah, when the first Dark Undermaster got his head cut off, I was hooked," I explained. "Not to mention the Bloody Dinner."

    Larry narrowed his eyes. "Tell me, do you have the heart of a hero?"

    I paused. "No."

    Larry smirked. "At least you are honest. What about the heart of a mercenary? Gold, women, and blood in exchange for deadly adventure?"

    "Uh, two of those sound good," I said, shrugging. "Honestly, I haven''t had much time for relationships since taking this job. Nightchilde ended up dumping me for the guy who runs the vape shop. I was never much of a player but let''s just say I was never too tired for her."

    Okay, way too much information being shared here. Something about Larry made me want to open up to the guy, though. He was like a living Gandalf or, at least, Radagast the Brown.

    Larry shrugged. "It will have to do, I suppose. My compact with the video game makers was that they would be rewarded so long as they could provide the chosen ones. The bracelet accepts you and we do not have many left."

    As much as I was enjoying being with the cloud cuckoo lander, I unfortunately was coming here to protect my job. "Mr. Weis, I think you need to fill out these forms. We''re all excited at Epic Dungeoneering¡ª"

    "Don''t forget the trademark," Larry said.

    "I''m glad you''ve completed the book," I said, taking a deep breath. "I''m sure that they''ll make a fantastic game out of it."

    Larry''s expression became unreadable. "Would you like to take a look?"

    I absolutely wanted to. "Would I? Absolutely."

    The contract was forgotten, and I put the briefcase on the ground when Larry went over to a nearby bookshelf and removed a stack of several hundred pages with a contract on top of it. "Obviously, you''ll have to sign the non-disclosure agreement on the top," Larry said, his voice taking the slightest bit of an edge.

    I remembered Barbara had warned me about signing anything but, honestly, I hated my employers so why the hell not? Larry handed me a pen and I took the contract from the top of the manuscript.

    I didn''t immediately sign, though, for one obvious reason. "This is in Polish."

    "Shame you can''t read the mother tongue," Larry said.

    "Yeah, well the Soviet Union dissolved when I was a newborn," I said, staring at the contract then the manuscript. "Liberty, Fraternity, and Equality."

    "That''s the French Revolution," Larry said. "In any case, I suppose you don''t want to know what happened to Ser Garland after his death at the hands of his fellow Undermasters or whether I ever resolved the Dragon Queen''s rule over the Slave Pits of Jorgoth¡ª"

    I signed the contract immediately. "Show me the new novel."

    "I''ll do you one better," Larry said. "You can live it."

    Larry''s smile became frightening as his black eyes turned red. That was when the glow on my bracelet became blinding.

    I found myself on the ground, briefly blinded by the flash, and I wondered if I was losing my mind. I was sick of the bracelet and promotional item or not, it was something I didn''t want on anymore. Reaching down to try and rip it off, I found my hand felt different. There was also smoke in the air, and I found myself coughing while a rank smell filled my nostrils akin to rotting meat. The heat from the fireplace now felt like it was all around me.

    "Very funny, Larry," I replied, blinking rapidly. "But I think this needs a few more months in R&D before you release it. No one wants a flashbang around their wrist."

    That was when I heard the screams.

    My vision cleared to the sight of hell on Earth. I was in some kind of Medieval village with most of the place on fire and bodies surrounding me. The sky was black with a blood red moon hanging in the air crisscrossed with the smoke from the inferno around me. Looming above the village was a dark and foreboding castle made of black stone that seemed like something out of a heavy metal album cover, particularly with the dragons flying around in the air.

    I was different too. I was bulkier and wearing a suit of damaged armor that felt like it was weighing me down like an anchor. I had a sword at my side as well, not a fake one either but a heavy one. Oh, and a cloak. It didn''t take much to figure out where I was or, even, who I was. I was in the Southern Kingdoms of Mokosh. I was also dressed as one of the Dark Undermasters, demon hunters who had been largely wiped out before the events of the series by the Mad Queen of the Empire.

    "Oh god," I said, taking a step back. "I am tripping balls."

    Larry C.C. Weis must have slipped me something, except I hadn''t drank or eaten anything in his presence. I might have been inhaling something but unless he''d been putting PCP mixed with fairy dust in the air, I doubted that would have the effect I was currently experiencing. No, I had to be dreaming still in the car and I was going to wake up any second now.

    My denial lasted only about as long as it did to accidentally walk back into a burning house and feel a brief intense rush of heat that hurt like hell. As Eddie Murphy said in the 1980s classic, The Golden Child, you couldn''t feel pain in a dream. No, as insane as it was, I''d somehow found myself transported into the fiction of my third favorite fantasy author.

    "I wonder if I look like Henry Cavill now," I muttered, trying to get ahold of myself.

    "You wish," a voice spoke from one of the nearby hut''s roofs. "Personally, I think he was smart to do The Witcher instead of the other famous Eastern European high fantasy video game series."

    I looked up to see a raven sitting where the voice was coming from.

    "So, you''re a talking raven," I said, pausing. "I''m entirely fine with that given the circumstances."

    "Yes and no," the raven responded. "It''s me, Jon."

    I stared at him. "Snowman?"

    "Snowan," Jon said, sounding very much like my coworker despite having a beak instead of a mouth. "Jesus, have you been getting my name wrong this entire time? We''ve been friends for like two years."

    I got defensive. "We''ve been coworkers for like two years and I remind you that you thought my first name was Bart for half of them. Why are you a raven or is this going to be a place where the answers will just lead to more questions."

    "I died," Jon said. "So, yes, they will do that. If you''re a Champion in this world and die, you reincarnate into a raven,"

    I stared at him. "Give me the incredibly short summary of what the hell is going on, please. The kind you could fit into a movie trailer."

    ¡°You¡¯re trapped in a dark fantasy video game world based on a hack author¡¯s rip off of better books.¡±

    ¡°Uh huh. Maybe you could be a bit more detailed.¡±

    Things were too insane to disbelieve, ironically enough, or maybe I was just too stunned to retreat into denial.

    "You''re in Ledziania, the magical kingdom that inspired the Dark Undermaster books," Jon said. "Larry C.C. Weis is a wizard or druid or something and manufactured the bracelets with the power of the Earthmother to fight the Old Gods here. They''re all batshit crazy now. The bracelet, or Mark of Champions as they call it here, gives you the power of a video game character. Epic DungeoneeringTM has been sending their programmers as human sacrifices in exchange for wealth as well as success. Mostly by adapting his books that he''d otherwise not license."

    I stared at me. "You''ve got to be kidding me. I''m trapped in an isekai?"

    "More like a LitRPG novel," Jon said. "But I know you weren''t a fan of those. Think of it like a tabletop RPG only the violence is very real but so are the perks. You''re now totally ripped, and every lady looks like they were made by horny nerd programmers. You know, people like us. Plus, magic is real."

    "Uh huh," I said, not too concerned with that right now. "How the hell do I get out?"

    "Why would you want that?" Jon asked. "This place is awesome."

    I stared at the raven. "Until you die and develop a taste of carrion."

    "There is that," Jon said. "I dunno, I guess you might be able to get out if you defeat the Old Gods."

    "Defeat gods, is that all?" I asked, sarcastically.

    "Hey man, just level up and do it," Jon said. "I was to level eighteen when I finally got capped and that was just because I thought I could ignore the recommended levels for the quest to bang the Dragon Queen. Turns out that''s not a quest reward and her dragon had an autokill. Speaking of levels, have you chosen a class yet?"

    "No," I muttered. "They were blacked out as an option."

    "You should take care of that, like now," Jon said, his voice now sounding concerned.

    "Why?" I asked.

    That was when my bracelet glowed again with the words, BEGIN TUTORIAL. I heard the bracelet start playing the combat music theme from the games.

    "That''s why," Jon said. "You don''t have any fighting skills yet."

    "Ah crap," I muttered.

    That was when the skeletons attacked.

 Chapter Three - First Level is no fun at all

    Skeletons.

    Yeah, the thing about skeletons is that Gary Gygax and countless childhood Halloween decorations have made them something that doesn''t strike fear into the heart of the average adventurer. After all, they''re just a bunch of easily smashable bones, right? Well, there''s a difference between the things mom and dad put up on the house when you''re five and the real animated deal.

    Particularly when you''re a 1st level and trapped in a video game world adapted from books described as, "the goriest most nightmarish world ever put from pen to paper." Which was starting to make me wish I''d gotten trapped in Narnia instead. Getting preached at by Lion Jesus was looking real good right now by comparison.

    The real deal in this case was a bunch of glowing eyed upright collections of bones wearing the clothes and armor that they''d presumably been buried in. There was a thin layer of skin covering some of them that added to the horror and reminded me that as realistic as we''d managed to make the DU games, they had nothing on the surreal universe I''d managed to find myself in. They had swords, spears, and spiked clubs. There were five of them in total, but I could see other skeletons spread throughout the village, carrying out a massacre of the people within. I, of course, managed to keep my dignity when I made a strategic retreat.

    "Run-run-run!" I shouted, jogging away from the creatures and feeling weighed down by the armor I was wearing.

    "These things don''t tire, Aaron!" Jon said, flying beside me. "You need to choose a class!"

    "Kind of busy now!" I said, running through the burning remains of the village as I saw the holographic light above my bracelet flicker.

    Remembering, of all things, Resident Evil 4 and having the insane idea that if Epic DungeoneeringTM ripped it off in previous games then they might do it in future ones, I proceeded to look for a hut that had an open door. It was larger than the other huts in the village and two stories tall. Heading into it, I proceeded to slam the door behind me. Just like in the village from RE4, I also saw there was a brace to lock the door as well as a shelf to move in front of the hut''s window. Why a house mostly made of straw had a window was a design flaw I''d question later.

    The interior of the building had a kitchen, table, staircase leading up to the second floor. It was dirty and looked like someone''s popular conception of what a Medieval house might have looked like. It made me wonder if this world was one created by the video game, Weis'' stories, or existed independently while just looking like a fantasy world.

    Jon took rest on my shoulder as I finally got a chance to check my bracelet. The map had changed to something called DRAGON KEEP AND CROSSROAD VILLAGE. Also, thankfully, the class options were no longer blacked out. There was an inventory menu, spell list, and other things I couldn''t really deal with right now.

    <u>CLASS CHOICES</u>

    UNDERMASTER WARRIOR

    UNDERMASTER ROGUE

    UNDERMASTER SORCERER

    I stared and shook my head. "Really? Three classes? What the hell happened to the variety of DU2? Barbarian, bare-fisted monk, and bard. Okay, not bard, but you know what I mean."

    The situation was so ridiculous I might as well make fun of it.

    "They''re all specializations now," Jon said. "Ooo, you should choose sorcerer. You''re not optimized for anything else. Also, why the hell did you take Comeliness of 15? All the good romance paths are Comeliness independent. You can look like Freddy Krueger''s uglier gnome brother and women will still bang you. Or dudes, I don''t judge."

    I choose Sorcerer and immediately was presented with a vast list of spells that wouldn''t help me in my situation because they were all one use: LIGHT, FOG, JUMP, ARMOR, CURE (I), PUSH, MAGIC ARROW, and CHILL TOUCH were the only ones I remembered the actual use for. The rest were mostly transfers from the pen and paper Dark Undermaster RPG that had been a third-party licensing deal that Epic DungeoneeringTM had later ripped off.

    "Take PUSH," Jon said, looking down at me.

    "What, not CURE?" I asked. "Because I''m pretty sure I''m going to need that. Hell, MAGIC ARROW at least is an attack."

    "Trust me," Jon said. "Save that one. Just hit accept and go to Special Abilities."

    I did and was immediately deluged with a bunch of abilities ranging from SPEAK (ANIMAL) to PLAY (MUSICAL INSTRUMENT). There had to be at least forty choices of questionable abilities and it seemed like they were playing into those idiotic specializations when my eyes went to one at the top that I''d almost skipped over: ARCANE FIRE.

    "Hell yes," I said, remembering that every developer had argued this was overpowered from DU 1 onward, but the players had absolutely revolted at any attempt to remove or nerf it. I hit on it and the bracelet asked, ACCEPT CHARACTER CHANGES? Y/N?

    Before I could hit the Y button, axes started smashing against the door as the skeletons began pushing over the dresser that blocked the window. They were ready to tear me apart and we were in a full-on homage to Night of the Living Dead. Shaking my head, I pushed the Y button and felt something strange pass through me. It was as if I instantly knew how to conjure magical fire from my hands and it was there waiting to be called.

    "Burn baby burn!" I shouted, lifting my hands and shooting out a blast of blue-white fire that struck the first of the skeletons. It proceeded to explode into a pile of bones across the floor as I walked backwards, conjuring another and blasting a second. It was a basic strategy but seemed to be working.

    Unfortunately, I had forgotten that developers absolutely love to put little traps in for players. No sooner did I start going up the staircase to be able to continue blasting the remaining three skeletons then I heard another moaning monster above me. I''d blasted the third of the skeletons when I found a zombified villager, looking considerably fresher than the others, biting into my leg.

    This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    Mothersucker!

    The pain was agonizing, like, well, a frigging zombie biting into the side of my leg. I had no idea if that was going to turn me into one of them. Then again, this was a video game brought to life so maybe I was worrying about nothing. That thought dissipated with the sight of the skeleton swinging an ax at my head before I barely got out of the way in time. Pulling myself free and feeling the blood trickle down from my leg, I managed to jump off the side of the staircase and land with a painful thud on the ground.

    From there, I proceeded to lift my hand up and continued to use my Arcane Fire to destroy the remaining skeletons as well as the zombie on the stairs. As soon as I did, the battle music ended, and I managed to take a few much-needed breaths. My bracelet proceeded to list +70 EXP and +5 GP on its screen with a little coin jingle noise, which seemed like an awfully small amount. I also saw, +1 LEATHER BELT.

    I didn''t see an actual leather belt appear anywhere but felt like I was weighed slightly more down. Checking the leather bag on my side, I saw a plain strip of leather with a buckle was now inside it alongside five gold coins emblazoned with the image of Perun''s hammer. This was so goddamn weird.

    "Go team, go!" Jon said, flapping uselessly in the air.

    "Fat lot of good you were!" I snapped at the raven.

    "Hey, you wouldn''t even know what the hell was happening if I wasn''t here," Jon explained. "Besides, what the hell am I going to do? I''m a bird."

    "You have a point," I muttered, deciding to check my stats.

    ARAGORN "AARON" BARTKOWSKI

    LVL: 1

    CLASS: UNDERMASTER SORCERER

    ALIGNMENT: GRAY

    AGE: 34

    SEX: MALE

    RACE: HUMAN

    STR: 10

    AGI: 10

    CON: 9

    INT: 16

    WIS: 7

    COM: 15

    CHA: 13

    ARMOR CLASS: 0

    ATTACK: +1

    HEALTH: 3/5 (Minor Injury)

    FEAT: Taunt

    SPECIAL ABILITIES: ARCANE FIRE (1d6+3 INT bonus, Eldritch Damage)

    SPELL LIST (1): PUSH

    "Like I said, good call on picking Sorcerer," Jon said, perching on my shoulder. "You would have been screwed choosing Warrior or Rogue with that build. Mind you, most of us programmers went with it. Very few of us were jacked before our transformation. A couple went Rogue."

    I looked at him. "Just how many people have been dumped in this place, anyway?"

    "I dunno, fifteen or twenty?" Jon shrugged his wings. "It''s hard to keep track of every other Undermaster here. There''s story confusion too. Every one of us starts as Garland, even the women, and yet we all share the same game world."

    Ser Garland of Nowhere was the protagonist, as much as the books had one, of the Dark Undermaster books. He was the illegitimate son of Lord Beorn Rose and, unbeknownst to him, the son of the god Perun. Basically, he was a kind of Clint Eastwood in Fantasyland sort of character who snarked his way through a bunch of fractured fairy tales while angsting about how meaningless the world was. Oh, and having ridiculous numbers of affairs with beautiful women while caught between Anya the Assassin and the Dragon Queen. His adventures were like crack to my fourteen-year-old self.

    Ser Garland had also been the protagonist of the past three DU games, which had never really made much sense as each game had to find increasingly contrived ways of restarting him from Level 1 at the start of each game. Each game was a loose adaptation of the plots of the book but could often go in wildly different directions. Supposedly, one of the reasons that Weis had been upset with them was that you could have Ser Garland be a complete bastard and sack whole towns or side with the Old Gods. His distaste suddenly made a lot more sense now that I was realizing it seemingly effected real people.

    Actually, now I was wondering if my own programming had been altering things inside this world like I was a secret architect of the Matrix or a user from Tron. Okay, I needed to stop thinking about that since in that way lied madness.

    "That makes no sense," I said, just shaking my head. "How the hell does a world operate on video game logic?"

    "It''s magic," Jon said. "The author doesn''t have to explain shit. Who do you think Weis is, Brandon Sanderson?"

    I pulled out the belt and tied it around my waist. My stats immediately went from Armor Class 0 to Armor Class 1. It didn''t seem like a great improvement, but I wasn''t exactly going to complain about following the rules when the other option was ending up transformed into a raven. ¡°Anything else I need to know?"

    "This world is a very R-rated dark fantasy RPG," Jon explained. "You and I both know how that goes since we programmed the previous game."

    "I actually mostly worked on Cyber Dragons 3000," I muttered.

    "For which you should be horribly ashamed," Jon said, shaking his head.

    "I didn''t decide to launch it like that!" I said. "Besides, it ended up awesome."

    "Keep telling yourself that, chief," Jon said. "Just fight, loot, and side quest until you feel you can do the main quests. This isn''t a turn-based RPG, so tactics and skill do play a factor."

    "Yeah, I noticed when I almost got eaten," I muttered, sarcastically. "What about food, sleep, and so on?"

    "All necessary," Jon said. "We''re in a worst of both worlds sort of situation. Get used to using a privy and this kind of lamb skin covered rod instead of toilet¡ª"

    "Too much info, Jon," I muttered. "What about the people. Are they like...real?"

    "That''s a bit philosophical for my tastes," Jon explained. "The short version is that I think they''re a lot more real than you or I would probably be comfortable with killing them. They don''t respawn, they sometimes seem to have knowledge of other loops, other times they don''t, and they have their own lives beyond the pretty awful set of circumstances they''ve found themselves in."

    "Great, I''m trapped in Westworld," I muttered. "Except instead of androids, they''re video game characters."

    "Pretty much," Jon said. "They definitely do work in all the ways that matter, though, if you know what I mean."

    The raven winked. I didn¡¯t even know they could do that.

    "No, I don''t think I do," I said.

    "They brought back brothels for this game!" Jon said. "50 GP a night at the Black Cat. Plus, you can sleep with Farmer Grub''s wife when he''s away from his house. It''s a side quest,"

    I stared at him. "Did you spend the entire time you were in here getting laid?"

    "Hey, you get a bonus card for each time you get laid," Jon said, defensively. "I''m also just being true to Garland''s character."

    I stared at him. "I thought the game got rid of the sex cards for being a sexist promotional gimmick."

    "They were the best part of Pwiffle," Jon said, annoyed. "I got to level 16 chasing the cards without ever touching any of the main quest."

    I shook my head, hearing the screams and battle outside. "Well, I''m not much of a hero but if I''m going to get the hell out of here then I guess I better start the main quest. What do I do now?"

    "We''re still in the tutorial," Jon said. "Every Garland starts in the sacking of Dragon Keep. There''s some story reasons that I honestly didn''t pay attention to, but you''re supposed to rescue as many villagers as possible before converging on the keep to face the Skull King."

    "Skull King?" I asked, not remembering him from the books. Then again, it had been almost ten years ago since I''d last read them and this was clearly incorporating stuff from the games as well as licensed media. God, I was really taking to this too well. I wished I could have healed my injury, but the wound didn''t feel like it was getting worse and I could still walk as well as hopefully fight. I also didn''t know anything about first aid. I just hoped that picking PUSH turned out to be as good a choice as Jon seemed to think.

    "Yeah, the Skull King''s a bad guy," Jon explained. "Just head to the keep and kill everything on your way. Hopefully, you''ll get a companion along the way."

    "Hopefully?" I asked, wondering what he meant.

    "She''s a bit...temperamental."

 Chapter Four - Building my party

    "The Sacking of Dragon Keep" was listed in my bracelet interface as the Main Quest with objectives like Rescue Villagers 0/10, Slay Undead 6/20 listed underneath. I mostly didn''t pay attention to them because I was less following their instructions than basic human decency. I saw villagers getting murdered by skeletons or zombies, I blasted the skeletons and zombies. I saw skeletons and zombies just shambling around, I still blasted them since I was pretty sure there weren''t examples of the undead just minding their own business in the world of Mokosh. It was more Dawn of the Dead than Twilight.

    One thing I didn''t bother with was using my sword during any of these encounters. I had a level 1 "Basic Sword" in my inventory, and I took it out to give some practice swings, but it didn''t do anything other than make me feel like I was going to fall over. I didn''t even know why I had a sword as a Sorcerer, but I supposed it was because Garland was a master swordsman as well as a wizard in the books. He was also a master thief. Literary accuracy had to take a backseat to game balance, I guess.

    Thankfully, I wasn''t running into any issues so far despite my lost hit points. Arcane Fire was my go-to, one might say only move, and working fine if I stayed out of the clutches of the supernatural beasties rampaging through the town. It helped to think of all of this as a video game because I didn''t want to think of these being real people having their home attacked and being slaughtered. The bodies on the ground certainly looked real enough.

    "Do you ever feel guilty using Arcane Fire so extensively?" Jon asked, flying beside me.

    "No," I said.

    "I mean, it''s a bit like Indiana Jones and the Swordsman," Jon said, referencing Raiders of the Lost Ark. "It''s basically like owning a gun in a world full of swords and spears."

    "There''s also like a hundred of them and one of me," I said, really hoping none of the dragons in the sky flew down to kill me. I was depending on the fact they were probably just background material for the opening level. Mind you, at any point, this entire "video game" could go off the rails too because I was pretty sure that Weis'' writing absolutely loved unexpected turnabouts. There were no less than five chapters in the first book where perspective characters were set up only to end up dying horribly without fanfare.

    "Fine-fine," Jon said. "Anyway, you''re doing fine. Albeit, your timing on this level sucks. I was able to speedrun it in like five minutes and that was my first and only try."

    I was about to ask Jon how the hell he could speedrun his way through a nightmare like this when I heard battle from nearby. That was when my attention was drawn down an alleyway where a woman was fighting off no less than three undead warriors at once. These ones looking a lot tougher and better armored than the typical members of the horde I''d been fighting.

    The woman was dressed in a set of red leather armor that was form-fitting but not quite as ridiculous as you''d see in Hollywood, covered in metal scales with a kerchief around her lower face. Bright red hair was hanging out down around her shoulders that was a different shade than just about everyone else I''d seen so far in this place of predominately blonde and brunette peasantry. She also had a bow on her back that was smaller than any normal example of the weapon I''d seen in real life. I recognized it as Lightbringer, her rune weapon from the novels that never ran out of mystical arrows.

    The warrior woman moved with a kind of inhuman grace that you only saw in martial arts movies, slashing the creatures she was facing with a curved katana-like blade in one hand and a shorter Western sword in her other hand. The strange mixture of weapons didn''t inhibit her from parrying, stabbing, slashing, and even somersaulting over one of the creatures before decapitating it from behind. It was a display of fighting prowess that was beyond anything I would have imagined myself capable of at any level. I instantly knew who she was.

    Jon, by contrast, was decidedly less than impressed. "I hate these opening cutscenes. They always make the companions look incredibly badass but then they nerf them to be the exact same level as you."

    "Ania Rose," I said, with the kind of fanboyish awe you might hear other geeks refer to Mary Jane Watson Parker or Lady Lara Croft.

    Yes, those fictional crushes that boys develop at a certain age on women in media that signal that girls were no longer icky but were still entirely in the realm of fantasy. My mentor in coding had a poster of Slave Bikini Leia in his office, before HR had made him take it down, and the rather uncomfortable moment of oversharing where he said that Return of the Jedi had ushered him into puberty.

    "Seriously?" Jon said, looking at me. "Tell me, you''re not a fanboy."

    I grimaced. "Err, of course not."

    But that was a bold-faced lie and we both knew it. In the case of Ania Rose, I''d been about the same age as the actress they''d cast for Garland''s foster sister in the original live action show for the FAN channel (before it became FYN for copyright reasons). I''d developed more than a little crush on her during my socially awkward years and bonded with the character both onscreen as well as her book counterpart. So much so that I, and a legion of other young men, had ignored how weird it was that one of Garland''s two primary love interests was the girl he was raised with. Something that, as an adopted son of my family, I could absolutely confirm was not a thing that happened in real life.

    It shouldn''t have surprised me to find out she was the first companion in the game since she was a wildly popular character with the fanbase. Both male and female. Indeed, apparently Weis had received death threats for some of the horror show he''d put her through in Book 3 where she''d ended up losing her father, tortured, her female elvish lover executed, and her head shaved. Something that had caused her actress to almost quit the show over since she''d been trying to get into romantic comedies. The fact she''d ended up some kind of weird Slavic ninja and the only female Dark Undermaster didn''t really improve things in fan''s eyes.

    "Yeah, well wanting is better than having," Jon said, sounding surprisingly salty. "She may look good but she''s a real bitch. Her writers must have watched way too much anime growing up. Verbal abuse is not sexy."

    I wanted to punch my raven companion in the beak. Admittedly, not every writer had been able to capture Weis'' character voices in the licensed material. There was a reason a lot of fans preferred the Dragon Queen or even secondary characters like Lady Agata Rose.

    No, I wasn''t counting slash writers either.

    Before I had a chance of saying something, I saw Ania finish off the remaining skeleton warrior and pulled out her bow before aiming at me. A glowing arrow appeared and flew out, zipping over my shoulder and striking a skeleton warrior silently coming up behind me.

    "That is such a cheap movie trick," Jon said, resettling on my shoulder and raising a wing. "Undead don''t sneak! We totally would have heard him coming."

    The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

    "Oh, shut up, bird brain," Ania said, surprising me by responding to Jon. I hadn''t known that other people could hear and understand him. "Go peck out someone''s eyes."

    That made me assume the ''cut scene'' or whatever was going on was over and I could respond. Knowing I was Garland in this universe put me on the spot and I tried to figure out what to say or do. The Mark of the Champion wasn''t giving me any dialogue options, which I supposed was a blessing. I tried to adopt Garland''s trademark growl and remember how he talked. "Err, hello, sister. It is good to see you again. I am, uh, here."

    Ania narrowed her eyes. "You''re another off-worlder from Earth. Sent here by Larry C.C. Weis to try to save the world. Except, he''s probably sent you here with absolutely no skill in combat or equipment that would let you do it. Oh, and everyone is going to react to you like you''re my dead brother."

    I blinked. "Huh. I did not see that coming."

    "Me neither," Jon said, looking at me then her. "Was this in the script? I really should have been paying more attention to what all the NPCs were saying."

    I wanted to bring up that he''d mentioned that other people here were aware but was too busy focusing on Ania. "Oh, well, hi."

    Ania looked away annoyed and lifted her right arm, revealing another Mark of the Champion. "I managed to recover one of these from a dead Garland copy. Since then, I know when the world repeats its loops. This is like the seventh or eighth time I''ve seen Dragon Keep and Crossroad sacked."

    "You''ve escaped The Matrix!" I blurted out.

    Jon, of course, was more focused on other things. "That better not be my bracelet! I had like fifty Pwiffle cards accumulated, including the dirty ones!"

    Ania rolled her eyes. "Such a wonderful set of champions that Weis has sent us."

    "By the way, is that like an Anglicization?" Jon asked. "Like, shouldn''t his name be Laurencjusz or something? Also, Weis is German. Also, is he from our world or yours? I probably should have been investigating this in-between getting laid."

    "I see your Spirit Guide is a wonderful source of information," Ania said. "Come on, we need to get to the castle. To answer your unspoken question, no, when the world resets, people don''t come back from the dead. New people wander in to resettle as if in a trance. The world has been getting more vacant and empty each failure of previous champions. The Dark Undermasters are almost extinct, and the Old Gods are on the brink of escaping. Then our world will die and yours will soon follow."

    "Hey, no pressure," I nodded. "Lead the way."

    "Hey! Don''t follow the NPCs! The NPCs follow you," Jon said.

    I shook my head at Jon''s behavior. Then again, I couldn''t really blame him. This was an insane situation and if his way of coping was dismissing everyone around him as ''just'' video game characters then I couldn''t hardly blame him. Except, I very much could. Everyone here seemed real and without any proof that I''d gone insane (which probably was more likely), it was best to treat everyone as real.

    Mind you, it helped I was following a pretty girl and someone who seemed like they knew what the hell they were doing. If that sounded like a less than heroic attitude, well, it was about my last three relationships. Working for Epic DungoneeringTM hadn''t left much time for dating, and I admitted, it had also beaten a lot of my sense of initiative out of me. If that insultingly low WIS score was accurate, and I feared it was, I suspected it was because I''d become "conflict adverse" out of a desire to get along to get along. A trait that had led me to signing a contract with a shady as shit dark fantasy author who was apparently accepting human sacrifices from my employers.

    I had no idea what I would do should I actually get back to the "real" world because I wasn''t sure what even could be done. Report them to the police? FBI? Men in Black? I''m sorry, officer, but I was tricked into putting on the One Bracelet of Sauron by my hand puppet obsessed boss and her chief minion as part of an evil ritual. That was even assuming I was able to get back to my old life.

    Unless I managed to figure out a way to escape soon, I''d probably end up being reported as a missing person and eventually considered dead. I hadn''t noticed Jon Snowan disappearing and apparently plenty of other coworkers over the past few years had been disappeared. Who would even miss me back in my "old" life? My parents? Yeah. My sister? We''d spoken maybe once in the past three months. Friends? Girlfriends? I''d sacrificed all of them on the altar of being the absolute best corporate drone I could be.

    Crap.

    Maybe I deserved to be here.

    "Follow my lead and try not to get killed," Ania said, lifting her bow and firing down at another group of skeleton warriors. "We need to get to the Skull King before he kills Lord Emberly."

    Piotr Emberly was one of the main supporting characters of the series, being Garland''s mentor and one of the few remaining veteran Undermasters. "Wait, Lord Emberly dies in the new book?"

    One of the skeleton warriors charged at us, only for me to hit it with arcane fire. Unlike the earlier skeletons, though, it didn''t immediately die and started charging again. I managed to blast it apart with a second blast, though. Yeah, that was how it was going to be it seemed. There were going to be increasingly tougher enemies as we moved along.

    Ania shot me a glare that told me that my reference wasn''t appreciated. "Not if we can help it. I''ve managed to prevent him from getting killed each time but it''s always close."

    "It''s a scripted event," Jon said. "I wouldn''t worry about it."

    "The script is not set," Ania said, shaking her head. "I''ve lived through multiple loops, you haven''t. Whatever the way things were supposed to be, they get worse each time. I don''t know what my world is to yours, some kind of play or fiction, but it''s becoming influenced by the Old Gods. Whatever was meant to happen isn''t happening"

    "Great, so it''s not just Eldritch Souls," Jon said, citing one of my favorite video games that Larry C.C. Weis had written for. "We''re now incorporating Alan Wake nonsense."

    "What kind of changes are we talking about?" I asked.

    Ania finished off the last of the skeleton warriors. "Garland being dead for example."

    She''d mentioned that earlier and I thought back to The Princes of Sorrow, the previous book. Garland had been killed by a group of traitorous Undermasters and everyone had assumed he was going to get himself resurrected because, well, there was no book series without him. Everyone had assumed he''d get resurrected by blood sorcery or some other contrived method. Certainly, that was what the show had gone with, and most people assumed the video games would too.

    But what if it hadn''t been Larry''s intent? What if he had decided to stick to his guns and keep Garland dead? He''d made his bones as a writer with shocking deaths of other main characters after all. No, that didn''t make any sense. Or did it? Also, if this wasn''t the world he created by writing but an actual place, did his writer intent make any difference whatsoever? Or was the fact that Weis was sending "heroes" into this world to make up for the fact that its actual champion was dead. Dammit, I needed something to distract me from this metaphysical nonsense.

    "I''m sorry," I said, surprising myself. "I know he was important to you, Ania."

    "You have no idea, imposter," Ania said.

    Yeah, we weren''t going to be friends any time soon.

    That was when we came to the town square of Crossroad village at the foot of the entrance to Dragon Keep. Dragon Keep was an immense castle, even more so now that we''d traveled closer to it. It was a lot larger and more grandiose than the ones in the show or even the previous games where engine limitations had prevented it from being realized like it had been in the text.

    Supposedly, it had been constructed by giants during the ancient days when the gods had walked among men. It had been used by Perun to breed dragons and house them for war against Veles'' armies of the dead. That was before they''d all been corrupted into the zmei. In the first book, after Lord Rose had been executed, the surviving Rose family had vowed to retake it only for the Undermasters to end up making it their new headquarters. Thus, they could never return home.

    The former family holding of the Rose family had been gutted by dragon fire, though, and the armies involved. The ancient statues of the guardian wyrms around it were now cracked and broken with its defenders slaughtered to the man. Its drawbridge had been forcibly pulled down by the sight of the broken chains and shattered door.

    The moat that had previously surrounded the castle had been boiled away, leaving just a massive pit that was surrounded by horrifically burned defenders that were scattered round like broken toys. Some of them were moaning and I couldn''t imagine what kind of pain they were in, still alive after being essentially boiled to death.

    Jesus, Superman, and Crom.

    That was messed up.

    "Time to face the Skull King," Jon muttered. "Oh, I should probably mention that he''s invincible."

    "Wait, what?" I asked, doing a double take.

 Chapter Five - Well, that was unexpected

    "What? He''s invincible?" I asked, stunned. "What the hell kind of tutorial is this?"

    Jon looked at me as if I was being an idiot. "Skull King isn''t actually meant to die in this battle. It''s one of those early boss fights where no matter how well you do, they kick your ass. Don''t worry about it. You''re supposed to fight him later at like level 20. Like I said, I never followed the main quest. I am my own man."

    "Silence," Ania said, making a slicing gesture across her neck. Which didn''t strike me as the way you should tell someone to shut up unless you were a psychopath. "This is a graveyard for heroes, Imposter."

    "He said it," I said, pointing to Jon. "Also, I really wish you wouldn''t call me that."

    Ania shook her head and turned back to the castle, her gaze showing a haunted look that I''d only seen on my cousin, Alek. He''d been a part of the NATO forces in Afghanistan and had seen some shit. It was weird to compare a character I''d previously only known from fiction dealing with such raw emotions, but I sympathized. Or tried to. I couldn''t imagine what Ania was thinking since this was her home. One that she''d apparently seen attacked multiple times and getting worse each time.

    I only knew the Dragon Keep media but seeing it like this was still a punch in the gut. It was like seeing someone go through the New Zealand Lord of the Rings sets and burning them before taking a giant dump on Bag End. Except with more corpses.

    "It''s the smell that gets me every time. Why can birds even smell? We don''t have noses. I mean, we have nostrils but it¡¯s just not the same," Jon said, pointing out an element of my surroundings I''d been judiciously ignoring. It was like steamed pork mixed with a lot of other nastier smells ranging from rotting meat to excrement. Seriously, battlefields stunk. Especially ones full of undead.

    Ania put away her bow and pulled out her katana to wave. "Valentin Velesson, Skull King, I call upon you! Dark Demigod and Pillager of the Vistula, Enemy of Man, and Paladin of Death! We have danced this dance before, and you have escaped each time! Bring me Lord Emberly and let us fight once more! You may yet scurry off to fight again!"

    "See?" Jon said, nodding. "She knows the drill. This is not meant to be where you die. Like only two other players never made it past the tutorial. Don''t worry."

    I very much was worried because an enormous knight wearing black armor decorated in bones came out on a gigantic demon steed with glowing red eyes as well as black bat-like wings. If I wasn''t dating myself too much, he reminded me most of General Kael from 1988''s Willow. Basically, Darth Vader with a skull mask. Except this guy was about eight feet tall on a horse that was proportionately larger. Strapped on the back of Skull King''s monster steed was a crumpled over black cloaked figure that I assumed to be Lord Emberly.

    The Skull King pulled out his sword from behind his back, which I''d been told dozens of times was a stupid place to store your weapon, and watched it light up with blue-white fire. Some stupid media obsessed portion of my brain started playing John Parr''s "Saint Elmo''s Fire" in the back of my head and I was just glad the bracelet wasn''t following suit. Both my bracelet and Ania''s were playing ominous music, though, like something from Basil Poledouris'' Conan the Barbarian score. It made me assume that we would never ever be able to sneak up on anyone. Which was a shame since I''d heard they''d been planning to introduce stealth mechanics to DU 4.

    "Yet another child is sent by Perun''s voice to die," The Skull King said in a voice that sounded like he''d stuffed his mouth full of gravel before putting it on a speaker. Seriously, the guy sounded like Ron Pearlman with a voice modulator. "You have crossed worlds and time to meet your death, boy. Your blood will nourish the hungry spirits and bring my father one step closer to unleashing the Unmaking."

    "Is he talking to me?" I asked Jon.

    "Yes, dumbass," Jon said. "You''re the main character."

    "You speak to me, Skull King!" Ania said, seriously insulted by his presence. "Not the man wearing my brother''s visage."

    Okay, that was a creepy way of phrasing that. "Yeah, you''re speaking to her!"

    Jon covered his beak with both wings, clearly ashamed of being in my company.

    "A stolen rhinegold bracelet does not a hero make, Daughter of House Rose!" The Skull King said. "Dress as a man and kill as an assassin you may but your destiny has always been to take more lives than you save. You are a bent, broken, and sullied wretch of woman that no man would have even as a slave. Go back to the hole you had been hiding in or die among those your brother failed to protect."

    Okay, wow, that guy was an ass.

    Ania, at least, wasn''t intimidated by his trash talk. "Have at you, fiend!"

    The Skull King reared his horse back up and drew back his sword to charge at us both.

    "Screw it," I said, conjuring the one magic spell I knew. "PUSH!"

    I didn''t know if I was just supposed to say the name of the spell or if it was meant to have some kind of incantation or not, but this was all instinctual anyway. The power of the only magic I knew aside from Arcane Fire (which was a special ability I could use every round anyway) flew out of my fingertips. It was less like a gust of wind and more a telekinetic battering ram that proceeded to slam right into Skull King''s chest.

    Much to my surprise, Skull King was knocked off his demon steed and fell back into the moat pit behind him with a startled scream. The moat pit was something like seventy or eighty feet deep and he''d gone down headfirst, meaning he''d probably been cracked like an egg when he''d hit the ground. I didn''t know if that was lethal for undead as everything became unearthly silent for a second. Then a rapid series of pinging noises came from my bracelet.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: The Bigger They Are

    (A) 25 - Defeat The Skull King in Tutorial (Secret)

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Wilhelm Scream

    (A) 25 - Defeat The Skull King by pushing him into the Moat (Secret)

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Castle Reclaimed

    (A) 25 - Become the Lord of Dragon Keep (Finish Tutorial)

    I stared at my bracelet. "This thing comes with actual achievements? You''ve got to be kidding me."

    Jon was too busy staring at the now rider-less demon steed, though. Well, riderless except for the fallen Lord Emberly on his back. "What the actual..."

    Ania looked every bit as shocked as Jon, staring at the sight of the fallen Skull King with an expression between disbelief and horror. It was not the kind of expression I expected for a sudden but unexpected victory.

    YOU HAVE REACHED LEVEL 2!

    +3000 EXP BONUS FOR SECRET ACHIEVEMENT

    + YOU HAVE RECEIVED GHOST SWORD [Witchfire]

    + YOU HAVE RECEIVED DEMON STEED [MOUNT]

    + YOU HAVE RECEIVED GHOST ARMOR [Heavy]

    + YOU HAVE RECEIVED GHOST HELMET [Heavy]

    + YOU HAVE RECEIVED 365 GP

    + YOU HAVE RECEIVED ALCHEMICAL STONE [RED]

    This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

    What followed was feeling like I was suddenly carrying about fifty or sixty extra pounds of weight that caused me to fall over due to my bad, still bleeding, leg. If this was what being over encumbered was like in a video game, I had to make a serious effort to have my characters carry less.

    "How the hell did you pull that off?" Jon asked, flying up in front of my face.

    I stared at him. "You told me to get PUSH! So I used PUSH!"

    "That''s just because its awesome and looks like you''re a Jedi!" Jon said, pausing. "I mean, the Prequel Jedi suck but they have pretty awesome moves."

    I almost throttled him but was stopped by Ania coming to my side and pulling out a bandage. "You''re injured."

    "Yes," I said. "I got bitten by a zombie. It''s fine, though. Only two hit points damage."

    Ania stared at me like I was insane. "Injuries get worse, you idiot."

    She proceeded to pull out a jar full of some kind of gray goo from one of her side pouches before slathering it over my injury. The sting was worse than the bite before she pulled out another bandage and wrapped it around the now goo-covered spot. Much to my surprise, she then placed her hand over both and a little green glow passed between her fingers as well as the bandage.

    CURE (1) ¨C 2 HP RECOVERED; MINOR INJURY HEALED.

    "You have magic?" Jon asked. "But you''re a Rogue! You don''t get that until 9th level!"

    Feeling slightly better after the initial pain had passed, I took up my bracelet and checked it. There was now a menu for PARTY MEMBERS, and it contained both an entry for Ania as well as Jon. Jon was listed as FAMILIAR Level 1 with his alignment listed as Gray. Ania was DARK UNDERMASTER ROGUE 9, SPECIALIZATION: MOON ASSASSIN 1 with a Black Alignment. Probably because of all the murders she''d committed in her quest for revenge against the Mad Queen and her conspirators.

    "Huh," I said, staring at the statistics. "Ania, you are way higher level than me."

    "Still not enough to beat the Skull King, though," Jon said. "No offense. I''m sure you would have done fine. For a girl."

    Ania swatted him, sending him tumbling to the ground. "I still maintain some of this experience nonsense from the previous two loops I''ve had this thing. Unfortunately, every time I tried to work with the Imposters, they blew me off to do their own nonsense."

    Jon struggled to get up. "Not me! I totally ignored you and the other Companion NPCs! More experience for me that way!"

    I struggled to get up and managed to heft the armor now in a backpack on my back that previously hadn''t existed. "Well, I''m glad for you. I guess we managed to make one real achievement here today."

    "Perhaps," Ania muttered. "The Skull King was on my list."

    "Your murder list?" I asked.

    Ania looked up. "You know about that too, huh?"

    "Sorry," I replied, not wanting to get into it by pointing out she was my favorite character. "At least you can mark off one."

    "I''m not so sure about that," Ania said, helping me steady myself. "Veles is the God of Death. While our side stays dead with each loop, he can bring back his people each time. Kind of why we''re losing this war."

    The Dark Undermaster books had been heavily divided into their political and supernatural elements. Veles the God of the Underworld was as close to a Sauron or Morgoth figure as existed in the books, but all the Old Gods had gone mad except for the Earthmother and maybe Perun, depending on which book you were reading. The thing was I''d never been interested in the zombie apocalypse sections and had been far more interested in the politicking¡ªeven if it was the undead sections that made the video games. Again, I really wish I''d brought my Kindle with me or copies of the books.

    Great, not only was I trapped in a dark fantasy world where every other hero had been killed then reincarnated into a raven, but it was a dark fantasy world where the forces of evil could respawn. "Well, that''s not very fair."

    Ania snorted. "Fairness doesn''t enter the equation."

    I looked at the beautiful but hardened woman beside me, noticing the scar on her lip from where she''d been tortured by the Blood Reaver and other signs of what had previously only been stories for me. "Listen, I don''t know anything about this world and didn''t agree to come here. I''ve been kidnapped and thrown here. I know you must absolutely hate the fact people are wandering around with your brother''s identity. I know I would hate myself for it. I also don''t have any real combat ability¡ª"

    "You''re really selling yourself up here, friend," Jon said, looking up.

    "You don''t need to explain, Imposter," Ania said, her face briefly cracking with concern. It was an unexpected look to see given her initial hostility.

    I grimaced at her use of the word. "But I''m here now and I''m willing to help, as much as I''m humanly able to."

    It was a stupid and silly promise to make. I should have been focused entirely on figuring out a way to get out of here. If I was going to survive this, I needed to figure out how the magic worked and whatever the "rules" were of this situation. Instead, though, I was invested on some level. I wanted to help her and be part of a story.

    There was a moment of empathy I could see in her eyes that swiftly passed. "I''ll win this war with or without you, Imposter. You got lucky. Weis has sent you here to die and I have not enough sympathy to spare to both you as well as the hundreds of people who I grew up around that are now strewn like fish across the surface of a poisoned lake. Take care of yourself because no one else will."

    Ania stood up and headed over to the demon steed where I could see Lord Emberly was getting up off the back of the monster horse, unsteadily. The dragons had left, and the blood moon had transformed back into a white-gray one. It seemed we''d won, or whatever passed for such a thing, and the dead were retreating.

    Jon looked up, walking on the ground rather than flying. "See, what did I tell you? Complete bitch."

    My leg felt fully healed but still burned with the bandage and ointment on it. I decided not to disturb it. "Jon, did it occur to you that maybe you should be treating these people like, you know, actual people?"

    Jon seemed to ponder that then shook his head. "Nope!"

    I checked my character sheet and noted that it now said:

    ARAGORN "AARON" BARTKOWSKI

    LVL: 2

    CLASS: UNDERMASTER SORCERER

    ALIGNMENT: GRAY

    AGE: 34

    SEX: MALE

    RACE: HUMAN

    STR: 10

    AGI: 10

    CON: 9

    INT: 16

    WIS: 7

    COM: 15

    CHA: 13

    ARMOR CLASS: 1

    ATTACK: +1

    HEALTH: 10

    FEAT: Taunt

    SPECIAL ABILITIES: ARCANE FIRE (1d6+3 INT bonus, Eldritch Damage)

    SPELL LIST (1): PUSH

    Beneath my stats, it said that I had an Attribute point and an extra spell slot to choose to fill up. Getting an attribute point every level seemed excessive but I suppose it was a compromise for the fact that they reset Garland''s levels every game. It was strange to imagine him as a real person and that I was occupying his place in Mokosh history.

    "Can I wear the armor of the Skull King?" I asked.

    "Nope," Jon said. "Heavy armor is solely for Undermaster Warriors. I mean, you could, but you won''t be able to cast spells and that would screw you over something fierce."

    "Do I even want to know why armor interferes with magic?" I asked.

    "Because that''s the way the world works," Jon said. "I don''t question it and neither should you. So just sell the armor when you get a chance or wait for a warrior to join the party."

    "Is that likely?" I asked.

    "No idea," Jon said. "I do know that I''ll level up with you, though. Get myself some pecking powers."

    I didn''t even look at him, studying the rules as best I could. They were pretty like standard tabletop roleplaying game ones and the previous games in particular but not identical. "Uh huh."

    "You should keep the sword, though," Jon said. "As an emergency weapon if nothing else. You never know when you''ll hit a magic dead zone or against something immune to sorcery. Think of it like Leon Kennedy''s knife."

    ¡°What about the Alchemist Stone?¡± I asked, checking my pockets for it. It was like a piece of red quartz and looked like a piece of candy. ¡°What¡¯s it do?¡±

    "You swallow it," Jon said, surprising me. "Each one grants a specific ability, but you have to either throw it up or expel it another way in order to change them out. Red ones are the most common. They add about fifty pounds to your carrying capacity."

    I immediately swallowed it. Huh, cherry taste. Much to my surprise, I felt significantly better in the amount I could carry.

    "Try not to think about the fact that was probably in Skull King''s zombiefied stomach until recently," Jon replied.

    I almost threw it up then and there.

    "Mmm hmm," I muttered, pushing away that thought. "I need you to be honest with me. There''s been like fifteen champions sent by Weis, right?"

    "So, they tell me," Jon said. "I''ve even met a few of my fellow ravens. Never one in the field, though."

    "How far did any of them get?" I asked. "In defeating this big, huge epic threat, I mean."

    Jon paused. "You''re here, aren''t you? Some have gotten close to Veles'' sanctum, but no one has ever defeated any of his lieutenant gods. All of them are just sitting on their grand temples'' thrones, chilling and spreading evil while the land tears itself up in civil war. With that kind of environment, why not just collect cards and chill?"

    "You didn''t want to fight."

    "I didn''t want to die. We saw how that worked out. I think that kind of summarizes everything, doesn''t it?"

    Yeah, it did.

    I ended up choosing WIS to enhance to 8 and the spell CURE (I). I couldn''t always rely on Ania, it seemed.

    "You should be focused on increasing your Intelligence, chief," Jon said, looking up at me. "Wisdom is a dump stat in this game. Same as Comeliness."

    "If I''d had more of it in real life, I wouldn''t be in this world," I said, looking down at the crow.

    Jon had no response for that.

 Chapter Six - The New Lord of Dragon Keep

    Finishing up my updating of my character sheet, I found a button that allowed me to close it out as well as mute the background music being provided by the bracelet. The orchestra music playing was soothing but added to the unreality of everything in a way I didn''t want to deal with. I wanted my brain to catch up with the fact that this was really happening. I''d been grabbed by the proverbial tornado and dumped in the land of Oz. Unfortunately, there was no yellow brick road to follow and no silver slippers to click three times to take me home.

    I briefly explored the other options with the bracelet''s menu. It really did function like a video game interface but was lacking any way to log out, save game, or pause. I couldn''t adjust the difficulty either. That made sense with the idea this world was "real" but I wasn''t taking anything for granted right now. Another thing I noticed was that the bracelet came with a glossary and codex.

    Huh, that would be useful.

    One thing was glaringly absent, though. "No actual instructions on how to use any of this."

    Jon took rest on a nearby signpost. "You expected it to teach you how to shoot WEB and equip your clothing?"

    "Kind of, yeah," I replied.

    "Well, that''s why I''m here," Jon replied. "Weis reincarnated us with the purpose of passing on our advice to future champions in hopes we could advise you to not get yourself killed in the same stupid ways we did."

    Looking around the village, I noticed people were already pouring out from where they were hiding to gather around at the keep. Some of them were putting the destroyed undead into piles or gathering bodies. Others were gathering buckets to put out fires. A lot more people seemed to have survived the battle than I expected. Which, to my surprise, I felt no small amount of pride in. I may have been kidnapped to come here but I''d done real good in my short time here.

    Probably something more important than anything else I''d done in my life so far. After all, I didn''t have a wife or kids or career where I saved lives. I hadn''t even created anything of note as a software programmer. The most important thing I''d done was updating Cyber Dragons 3000, so it didn''t crash every time you passed 75 mph while driving downtown on a motorcycle. Players really hated that.

    "Well don''t expect me to repeat it but I owe you, Jon," I replied. "I probably wouldn''t have managed to survive the tutorial without your guidance."

    "Oh, you absolutely wouldn''t have," Jon said. "Also, I''m a way better mentor than the raven that was assigned to me. She was like, ''save innocents this'', ''fight evil that'', and even suggested I roleplay. God."

    "Don''t ever change, Jon," I said, before a sad thought crossed my mind. "Is there any way to get you back to, uh, normal?"

    "I''m dead, Aragorn, not cursed," Jon said. "No cure for that."

    I wasn''t so sure about that. "You said the bad guys can bring back their minions, Jon. Also, you''re alive. Just different."

    "Resurrection is strictly a better living through evil sort of thing," Jon said. "Besides, you''ve seen how people typically come back. Skeletons and zombies for the lower-level goons, strigoi and death lords for the higher levels. Reincarnation seems to be how the good guys do it. Which sucks because I have to live vicariously through you now."

    "Ah," I said, trying to articulate my thought. "But¡ª"

    "Ravens can''t exactly wag the dog if you catch my meaning," Jon said. ¡°At least, I haven¡¯t figured out a way to.¡±

    I didn''t. "What?"

    "Choke the chicken, spank the monkey, stroke the¡ª" Jon started to explain.

    "Ah," I said, interrupting. "Gotcha."

    "I still am attracted to humans and humanoids," Jon said. "It''s hellish, really. But if let me watch while you¡ª"

    "No," I interrupted again. "Never bring that up again."

    "Spoilsport."

    "But we''re not in our bodies when we moved to this world," I said, looking at myself. "At least I wasn''t this ripped when I was a geek from Michigan. Maybe they''re waiting for us back on Earth. Maybe if I do manage to beat Veles and the other Old Gods, we''ll like, I dunno, wake up back on our world with everyone restored."

    "Like Jumanji?" Jon asked, confused.

    "I never saw those movies," I muttered. "A shame because I''m a huge Robin Williams and Karen Gillan fan."

    "For different reasons I assume," Jon said before sighing. "But no, I don''t think it''s that kind of story, Arago¡ª"

    "Aaron, please," I corrected.

    "It fits better here," Jon said. "No one has read the books or even watched the movies here but us."

    "Please," I added.

    Jon shrugged. "Fine. I don''t think it''s that kind of story. Weis may be the resident Gandalf or Merlin of this world but he''s not exactly Lawful Good. Or White Alignment as this rip off world calls it. He''s called the Wise Man here and what little I bothered to learn about the local lore says he''s very much an ''ends justify the means'' sort of guy. He doesn''t care how his champions beat the Old Gods as long as they do. Also, how many innocents get caught in the crossfire."

    That tracked with my impression of him. "Yeah, Wise Man is literally what wizard translates to."

    "Don''t tell me how making a multimedia fantasy franchise plays into that," Jon said. "I hope it was for more reasons than just believing software jockeys were the best people to fight evil because, wow, that was not a smart play."

    "Right," I muttered.

    Jon surprised me with his next words. "You can actually go out to where I died and find my body. It''s probably been picked over by scavengers, but it might be worth it to check it out. For my cards if nothing else."

    My bracelet pinged:

    SIDEQUEST(S) ADDED:

    RECOVER JON SNOWAN¡¯S REMAINS

    Recommended Level: 18

    Reward: Jon Snowan''s possessions

    "Oh, you''ve got to be kidding me," I muttered, looking at the sight.

    "Yeah, don''t try and go for it before then," Jon said. "The beef gate is punishing for going outside of the right areas you''re leveled for."

    "Jon, is it possible that, maybe, you''re just viewing this world the wrong way?" I asked.

    "Says the guy who just got three achievements," Jon said.

    That was when I noticed many townsfolk were gathered outside of the town square before Dragon Keep''s entrance. There was a lot of whispering, pointing, and discussion that made me uncomfortable. Ania and Ser Emberly were also finishing up their conversation in front of the late Skull king''s mount. The demon steed hadn''t moved at all since the death of its master, and I was still confused at how I now "owned" it.

    If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

    That was when Ser Emberly turned around and waved to me. "Garland, my boy!"

    Piotr Emberly had been a character since the first book, A Court of Devils, and had taken on Garland as an apprentice after he''d been kicked out of the Rose House for some reason. Literally, I was just hitting puberty when I last read it. He''d once been one of the greatest demon hunters in the world but had lost himself to food, drink, womanizing, and corruption. He still fought the Old Gods and their minions but regularly accepted bribes from the Empire and other shady parties while overcharging villagers for monster slaying. Despite this, the books had always treated him as a good man who''d lost his way rather than a genuinely evil one.

    Piotr certainly looked like the image I''d had in my head with a salt and pepper beard, round belly, plus armor that didn''t quite look right. I could see the many glowing runes woven into his black coat, weapons, and jewelry too. He might not have had much in the way of fighting prowess in his body, but magic was a hell of a compensator. Probably the equivalent of a performance enhancing drug regime for guys who should have retired by now.

    "I''m not Garland," I replied, looking at him. "I just look like him but I''m really from¡ª"

    I noticed Ania shaking her head.

    Piotr came up to me and slapped me on the back. "Oh, you lovable rogue, you! Always with the pranks. What a jest! What a jest!"

    I blinked. "Right, yes, I''m joking."

    "Brilliant work with the Skull King," Piotr said. "I understand you carved a nice slice from his forces on your way to relieve me too."

    Piotr seemed to be over-selling my efforts in the tutorial, unexpected ending as it may have been. "Ania did a lot of the work herself."

    "It was a miserable defeat," Ania said, not mincing words. "There''s almost no remnants of the Undermaster order left. Not to mention the civilian casualties."

    "Shame, shame," Piotr said as if he wasn''t really listening. "The fact remains we do have a headquarters without an order, though. I know you wish to take the fight to the Old Gods in their grand temples¡ª"

    "I do?" I asked, skeptically.

    "But we need an army to distract Veles forces for you to get close to him," Piotr said. "Only by banishing him to the Underworld again can we bring an end to this curse. That means getting allies."

    I found myself annoyed with the lack of originality on display here. Was this final book really going to be a rehash of assembling allies to fight the Dark Lord ala The Lord of the Rings? Hell, Dragon Age and Mass Effect 3. What was next? Go gather the four orbs of light by slaying the Elemental Fiends?

    "You''ll also have to destroy each of the lieutenant gods'' avatars in their grand temples before relighting the sacred fires. Each corresponds to one of the alchemical elements that empower the world''s magic," Piotr said.

    Mothersucker. That was the plot to the original Final Fantasy. Maybe I''d overestimated Weis'' writing ability. "That sounds like a tall order."

    "You''ll have to assemble your old companions if you want to have a chance," Piotr said, seemingly not missing an opportunity to revisit every cliche in the book. "I won''t lie to you, this is probably a suicide mission but if there''s anyone in the world, I trust to defeat this threat then it is you, Garland."

    Ania narrowed her eyes at me, silently saying, This is all your fault.

    I glared back at her, replaying with my stare, I didn''t do this!

    Ania turned to Piotr. "We should contact the Dragon Queen. Her forces would be essential to fighting this threat."

    Piotr got a sour expression on his face. "Celestyne von Piast-Jagiellon is a poor choice in allies despite Garland''s, ahem, close ties with her."

    Ania''s expression soured.

    "Yeah, those ties," I muttered.

    "Her excessive affection for peasants and army of nonhuman vagrants has not won her the love of the nobility," Piotr said. "Instead, she has been driven back to the city of Kalizov and is presently under siege by her sister, Queen Apollonia. I believe it will not be long until Celestyne is slain and labeled a usurper."

    "So, what, you suggest we ally with the Mad Queen?" Ania asked.

    "I wouldn''t call her that and yes," Piotr replied, resolutely. "After all, she can''t conquer the Southern Kingdoms if everyone is undead."

    The primary political conflict of the books had always been between the identical twin sisters of the Kingdom''s (never named Ledziania in the books) royal family. The short version being Celestyne was the good one and Apollonia was the bad one. Apollonia used magic to turn her sister into a dragon, hence Celestyne''s nickname, and ruled in her sister''s place with great cruelty as a catspaw of the Empire. Garland broke the spell in the first book and Celestyne became a kind of weredragon that occasionally showed up to blast his enemies. She also tried to assemble an army to help her overthrow her sister. I mostly remembered the plots for the long and involved sex scenes and excessive amounts of fan art done about her.

    "I assume the other two groups we should recruit are the Northmen Rus and Great Forest elves," Ania said, as if she''d had this conversation before and resented having to repeat it. Which she probably had multiple times.

    "If the Great Forest elves don''t help, choose to contact the Vukodlaks," Piotr said. "The wolfmen are no friends of Veles."

    Yeah, this was all typical good but less effective versus evil and more powerful choices. Very lazy storytelling and I had to wonder if this was what we''d really waited almost eleven years to read. "What will you be doing?"

    "Contacting the Empire," Piotr said as if this was the hardest job of them all. Which it possibly was. Being a guy who had grown up in Poland in the aftermath of WW2, or so he''d claimed, Weis wrote the German-coded Empire as complete bastards. A pretty easy way to make sure your books got past the Soviet censors. Then again, I was once more confronted with the fact this wasn''t a product of Larry C.C. Weis'' imagination but history he''d been recording. Maybe? I mean, Ania didn''t look like she''d aged eleven years since the last book. Dammit, I kept falling down the hole of trying to think this through.

    "Yeah, well, good luck with that," I said, wondering what the likelihood of him succeeding would be according to the laws of narrative.

    Dammit, there I went again.

    Piotr looked back to the gutted ruins of Dragon Keep. "Which brings me to my next point. The Dark Undermaster order has been savaged. There may be less than a hundred of us left in the world."

    "More like three," Ania muttered under her breath. "This was the last bunch."

    "Nonsense," Piotr said. "We''d have to have lost Dragon Keep a dozen times to be completely wiped out."

    Somehow even Jon looked pained at that statement.

    Piotr didn''t seem to notice. "We will need a place to rally our forces once we''ve assembled them all and Dragon Keep is in no shape to handle them now. So I am, as the highest-ranking Dark Undermaster left, appointing you as Brother Lord of Dragon Keep."

    "What," I said simultaneously with Ania.

    Clearly, this part hadn''t occurred in previous loops.

    "Wow, congratulations," Jon said, hopping up and down. "The game actually changed its storyline. If you''re defeated by Skull King, you just get named castellan. You don''t get named Lord until you actually beat-beat Skull King, or so the quest journal indicated."

    "Aw, isn''t it cute how your little pet bird squawks," Piotr said, actually reaching over to pet it. Apparently, only bearers of the mark could understand him. Maybe druids or rangers too if they existed in this world. Again, it had been a long time since I''d read them.

    Jon snapped at him and flipped him off with one wing.

    "I''m not worthy," I said, absolutely meaning it.

    "Nonsense, Garland!" Piotr said, slapping me on the back. "If we had a quorum, I might elect you as the new Overmaster of our order. You are a legendary hero in the making and Dragon Keep was as much your home as any other member of the Rose family."

    "It really wasn''t," Ania interjected.

    "It is only right that you serve as its lord and master for the rest of your natural life," Piotr said. "Obviously, you''ll have to rebuild it for the coming battle, though. I''m sure an enterprising young man as yourself will be able to find the masons, carpenters, iron, and gold to pay for it, though."

    Oh great, another obvious quest and it was a construction one. "Ania would be much better¡ª"

    "Our first and only sister will be welcome, of course," Piotr said. "Perhaps she will even have her lineage take over as the next Brother Lord. Our order may be forbidden from taking wives, but bastards have long been a source of new recruits and I''m sure you''ll provide us with dozens."

    Ania''s hand moved down to her short sword and her eyes told me she was considering murdering us all.

    I couldn''t blame her as I was stealing her family''s ancestral home. "I''m really not Garland."

    "Farewell, Garland!" Piotr said, walking over to a fully saddled war horse one of the villagers brought to him. "Remember, you''re our last hope!"

    He proceeded to trot off without saying another word.

    MAIN QUEST(S) ADDED:

    ASSEMBLE ARMIES TO FIGHT VELES'' HORDE 0/3

    Recommended Level: Explore further to find out

    Reward: Unknown

    ASSEMBLE COMPANIONS (1/6)

    Recommended Level: Explore further to find out

    Reward: Recruitable Companion

    DEFEAT THE OLD GODS SERVING VELES (0/4)

    Recommended Level: Explore further to find out

    Reward: Unknown

    REBUILD DRAGON KEEP (0/12)

    Recommended Level: Any

    Reward: Upgraded Dragon Keep

    SIDEQUEST(S) ADDED:

    EXPLORE DRAGON KEEP WITH ANIA (0/1)

    Recommended Level: 2

    Reward: 200 EXP

    Ania stared at me then turned around and walked over to Dragon Keep''s entrance where some elderly villagers stood. I couldn''t help but feel terrible about all this. I also felt terrible about the fact I checked out how tight armor fitted her.

    Oof.

    Not the time, Aaron.

    "Well, that went well," Jon said, looking between us.

 Chapter Seven - Home Sweet Home

    I stood there for an uncomfortably long time, not sure what to do when the demon steed wandered over to me and started snorting in my face. It had hellish red eyes and seemed to crackle with a mystical energy that seemed to ionize the air around it.

    "Uh, hey," I said, staring uncomfortably. "So, is this like a Nightmare?"

    "I think that''s a pun that only works in English," Jon said, taking roost on the top of my hood.

    "What are we speaking?" I asked, confused.

    "Like Fantasy Polish?" Jon suggested, clearly not sure how to explain. "I''m actually speaking crow, and no one can understand me but you or other people wearing the Mark. Well, you, champions, and people who can talk to animals. There''s like a dozen languages in the Southern Kingdoms but the mark translates those too."

    "Convenient," I said, still thinking about Ania and how ticked off she was.

    "Yeah, well Garland spoke a dozen languages and we''re Garland of Nowhere or you are," Jon said, looking up at the sky.

    I followed his gaze. The constellations were completely different from the ones on Earth. The night sky was also clearer than I''d ever seen it. The moon was slightly ''off'', too, with its craters in different places. Frowning, I lightly petting the snout of the demon steed. It shook affectionately like a normal animal. "Yeah, that''s another thing I noticed. Piotr reacted strangely every time I tried to say I wasn''t Garland."

    "Yeah, that''s generally how people react to people saying they''re not who they say they are," Jon said. "Everyone will react to you as if you''re Garland and ignore any claims or evidence to the contrary. Even if, again, you''re a lady like my raven was."

    "Which I''m not," I said, staring at my hands. "I''m just like a bigger, bulkier version of me."

    "It was the same with me," Jon said. "Like I said, it''s magic."

    "Weird, I''m not stronger despite my new appearance."

    "Attributes don''t change from your body on Earth even if you look different. Don''t ask me why. You''ve got to just accept a lot of stuff on faith here."

    I frowned, uncomfortable with this turn in the conversation. "I''m not a big fan of faith. My parents weren''t exactly followers of any traditional religion. My grandparents had been die-hard communists and my parents wanted nothing to do with any of that. Mikhail and Sasha Bartkowski wanted my sister and me to worship, I dunno, Eru or nature or whatever. Which both me and my sister found silly. Religion has never really been part of our lives."

    "Yeah, well, it''s less a matter of faith around here," Jon said. "If it helps, just think of them as big aliens like Thor or Q."

    "I''m not militant," I said, annoyed. "I just don''t practice. I''m pretty sure magic, gods, and undeath are real now. Seeing is believing or spelling in this case."

    I had magic now and that was something I was going to have to get used to. I could feel it boiling within me and wondered if it would come with me back to the "Real" World if I managed to escape it. Magic had to exist in my world as well since, well, I''d been sent here.

    Thinking about magic, the demon steed began to glow and slowly disintegrated into shadows before swirling into a glowing blue rune on the back of my hand. I realized, then, I could conjure or dismiss it at will. Yet another ability I just sort of understood instinctively. "Is that normal?"

    "Yeah, demons can be claimed like Pok¨¦mon on this world," Jon explained. "Especially mounts. Obviously, most people make do with horses but the Undermasters have a lot of them in their service."

    I''d forgotten that from the books, probably because the show had just had them riding horses. "And because I killed Skull King, I get his stuff."

    "The Necromonger way!" Jon said.

    I stared at him. "Does anyone get any of the references you''re making?"

    "Only you," Jon said. "I kind of admit that being a bird may have driven me insane."

    "Are you coming?" Ania asked, surprising me.

    I looked up. "Oh hey, sorry, I thought you walked off in a huff."

    "A huff?" Ania asked.

    I was an idiot. "Err, it''s just a thing I have a history of. Women walking away from me, I mean."

    Oh God, did I say that too?

    Ania raised an eyebrow.

    "Are you sure you have a high Charisma score?" Jon asked. "Because even I would be doing better."

    "Just come here," Ania said. "Dragon Keep is still smoldering but the village elders are willing to clear out the bodies and do some basic maintenance. Anything more, though, and we''re going to have to shell out of our pockets. Unfortunately, Valentin''s people looted the treasury, presumably to pay the dragons."

    "Dragons work for gold?" I asked.

    "Most people do," Ania replied. "Veles is the god of death, ground, and wealth. He has access to vast amounts of gold, silver, and gemstones to pay his armies. You know, plus the legions of the dead. He''s also a giant worm with the head of a bear and the horns of a bull."

    I tried picturing that. "So, a dragon."

    "When he''s not taking other forms, yeah," Ania said.

    "The father of all dragons," Jon corrected. "At least since he killed all the good ones. Celestyne is the last one who isn''t on his side."

    Ania nodded. "He''s the opposite of Perun the Sky God. Supposedly, they created the world together before turning against one another."

    "Supposedly?" I asked.

    "Gods lie," Ania said, sounding like she had personal experience. Which surprised me since I hadn''t read any encounters between her and the deities of the books. Maybe it was just a general distaste for the fact they all seemed to be on the bad guys'' side.

    "Right," I said. "He sounds like Hades from Greek Mythology but much-much worse."

    Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

    "I haven''t been beyond the Empire to the Far Lands. I understand they used to worship Veles as Pluto, though, before switching to venerating Mythras," Ania said.

    That was another weird little detail, Ledziania didn''t seem to be the only place here despite Weis claiming it had originally been part of our world. Mokosh seemed to be an entire other planet that was like my world but different in smaller or greater ways. I hadn''t questioned it when it was just Weis being a ''hack'' writer inserting fantasy counterpart cultures but now I had to wonder how the hell that had come to pass. Had history just unfolded remarkably similarly or had this world been populated by refugees or colonists from my world? It was the kind of thing I''d love to ask about when I wasn''t surrounded by boiled bodies.

    Ania changed subjects by turning to survey ''my'' keep. "Sweet Perun, how are we going to pay for this?"

    "Kill monsters and take their stuff?" I suggested.

    Ania glanced at me.

    "What?" I asked.

    "Sure," Ania said, shaking her head. "I guess that is the traditional way to raise funds around here."

    "I''m sorry about your home," I said, unsure what else to say here.

    "It''s not been my home for a long time," Ania said, biting her lip in a surprisingly childish gesture. "Home is family and mine are scattered to the winds or dead. You really want to help me try to rebuild this place?"

    "Yeah," I said, stretching out my hands. "Even if it wasn''t my only way home, which it might not be, I don''t feel like just leaving you out to dry. I mean, what if this world does get conquered and it''s mine next? You''d have to be a real asshole to just come to this new world and goof off."

    Jon was conspicuously silent.

    "You wouldn''t have been the first," Ania said. "Like I said, I''ve dealt with other Garland Imposters before. Some of them have been my friends, one was something more. However, most of them treat this world, my world, as just their own personal playground. If you are willing to help, truly want to help, I appreciate it, but I don''t intend to wait for another tourist to save us."

    "You have tourists?" I asked, envisioning people going up to Gondor to gaze at the dead tree and statues of Isildur.

    Ania blinked. "That''s what you took from that?"

    "I dunno, I just never thought about it," I said, pausing. "I mean I suppose you could go to fairs, tournaments, and on pilgrimages or whatnot."

    "You are easily distracted," Ania replied.

    "So, I''ve been told," I replied, huffing. "I might be on the spectrum, but I never got myself tested."

    "The spectrum of what?" Ania asked, blinking.

    "I''m just letting you know I''m one of the good ones," I said, pausing. "And I know how that sounds, but I''m not one of the bad ones who says they''re one of the good ones; I''m actually one of the good ones who says they''re one of the good ones. And I know how that sounds¡ª"

    "That''s literally from Brooklyn 99," Jon said. "God, I miss television. It''s like the only thing I don''t have here that I want. You''d think I''d miss the internet, but the lack of social media almost makes up for the horrifying monsters."

    "Come on," Ania gestured. "We''ll get you set up in the tower. If you''re serious about this, we can start going through the town to see if there''s any help we can lend to the villagers. From there, we can start figuring out where to raise the necessary gold to fix Dragon Keep. I know Piotr wants us to raise an army against Veles, but we need supplies and a place to start before we even think about this."

    "It''ll be a long road," I said, pausing before reciting the lyrics from the Enterprise theme. "Getting from there to here. But I''ve got faith. Faith of the heart."

    Ania just stared blankly.

    "Song lyrics," I replied.

    "Then shouldn''t be singing them?" Ania asked.

    "Please don''t," Jon said.

    "Yeah, I''m just nervous," I muttered. "I recite pop culture when I get that way. Fighting monsters? That''s easy. Social situations? Not so much. I either respond with immense sarcasm and pop culture references or no, that''s pretty much it. This is the first time in a long time when I haven''t tried to be an asshole as a response."

    "I can''t imagine why most women walk out on you then," Ania said, walking across the damaged drawbridge.

    I grimaced. "Smooth, Aragorn. Smooth."

    "Please tell me you don''t intend to court Cattie Brie here," Jon said.

    I didn''t get it. "Sorry."

    "The Legend of Drizzt? Forgotten Realms? D&D?" Jon asked. "I thought all of us spoke the same language of dice rolling."

    "I was more a Warhammer Fantasy guy," I replied, somewhat exaggerating. I played D&D, just wasn''t a huge fan of the novels. Even then, they''d just been too PG for me. "That is until I found something darker. The Black Company by Glen Cook. Erikson¡¯s Malazan. Oo, baby."

    "I''m just saying, she''ll break your heart," Jon said. "Also, cut your dick off. Which is worse. Find someone less high maintenance. There are easier ways to get laid in Fantasy Land. It''s a regular World of Whorecraft in some places. They have temple prostitutes in some places¡ª"

    "You''ve never had a steady girlfriend, have you?" I asked. "Someone you were actually friends with, I mean?"

    Jon looked away but I saw real emotion in his eyes. Impressive given he was a frigging bird. "I''ve been in love, Aaron. It''s not something that I recommend around here."

    I wondered what he meant by that, but I''d somehow shut him up somehow since he didn''t say anything more.

    I reluctantly headed across the broken drawbridge of Dragon Keep. Ania had walked further in, and I found myself in an immense main hall that had been formed for dragons to be mounted then released through a tremendous skylight. Unfortunately, that had provided a way for the dragons to get inside.

    It seemed like the entire place had been an abandoned ruin for years rather than a place that had been newly sacked by the undead and mercenaries. The furniture had been tossed in piles before set alight. The tapestries had been ripped off the walls and burned. The Dark Undermasters had been in decline for centuries according to the books, but this was an explicit sign of just how hard they''d fallen.

    Still, I was impressed at how well the artists for the books and on fan sites had successfully captured the interior of Dragon Keep. Even in its diminished state, it was an incredible sight to behold.

    "Wow, what a shit show," Jon said.

    "Well, it''s been sacked a dozen times," Ania said, looking around. "Frankly, I''m surprised anything is still left standing. The only thing left intact, though, is the library. That''s protected by the blessings of the twin Zoryas, so its fine. Otherwise, we''ll have to start from scratch."

    I checked my bracelet and the quest journal for repairing Dragon Keep.

    REBUILD DRAGON KEEP REQUIREMENTS (0/12):

    * Rebuild Ania''s Room (cost: 100 GP)

    * Rebuild Garland''s Room (cost: 200 GP)

    * Restore Drawbridge (300 GP)

    * Restore Tapestries (500 GP)

    * Restore Alchemical Lab (1000 GP)

    * Restore Moat (2000 GP)

    * Restore Armory (2000 GP)

    * Restore Blacksmith (2000 GP)

    * Restore Stables (5000 GP)

    * Restore Chapel (5000 GP)

    * Restore Battlements (10,000 GP)

    * Restore Dragon Pit (50,000 GP)

    "Wow," I said, whistling. "That is going to be expensive."

    Jon said, once more hoping on my shoulder. "This is clearly an endgame sort of accomplishment."

    "Gold must be worthless," I said, staring.

    "Actually, gold piece is an extrapolation," Jon explained. "Almost every coin in the realm just has a tiny bit of gold enamel on top of a lead coin. Its why prostitutes cost me fifty gold piece."

    "No, Maelor the Black was just way overcharging you," Ania said, walking up to me. "None of the champions I remember were able to rebuild the keep but some were able to get some work done before things ''reset.'' I''m biased here since I grew up running across the battlements and trained to be a Dark Undermaster here. If we are to rebuild it completely, we''ll probably have to find the surviving champions as well as carefully manage our¡ª"

    PURCHASE ANIA''S ROOM UPGRADE Y/N?

    "Yes," I said, tapping Y.

    "Wait, what are you doing?" Ania asked.

    PURCHASE GARLAND''S ROOM UPGRADE Y/N?

    I tapped Y again.

    REBUILD DRAGON KEEP QUEST UPDATED (2/12)

    QUEST COMPLETED: EXPLORE DRAGON KEEP WITH ANIA (1/1)

    The bracelet projected an image of the top rooms on both the Southeastern and Southwestern towers. Both suddenly filled with beds, decorations, and artifacts from the books. Both went from empty dungeon-like cells to comfy Medieval-themed hotel rooms with burning hearths. I also felt like my purse had become a little lighter. It seemed that the bracelet was able to make instant changes in exchange for cash.

    "House flipping, Medieval style," Jon said. "Vanilla Ice couldn''t have done it any better."

    Ania grimaced. "You had three hundred gold pieces lying around and you used to give us comfortable rooms versus saving it, or, I dunno, repair the front doors?"

    I looked at her, confused. "You''re welcome?"

    Ania threw her hands up in the air and walked off.

    "You''re right, you do encourage women to do that a lot," Jon said.

 Chapter Eight - Figuring out how the toilets work

    The upgraded room for Garland of Nowhere was rather nice. Like if you were staying at a Renaissance Fair-themed hotel room or something. It was warm, inviting, and came equipped with furniture. Basically, it was the exact opposite of the rest of the castle. It even had a perch for Jon, which made me wonder if it was meant for the "Garlands" who replaced the real McCoy. The fire in the hearth was magical and could be conjured or dismissed at will, just by concentrating on it.

    Neat, a Medieval heat pump.

    Plates of fresh fruit were laid out with pitchers of surprisingly clean water as well as bottles of wine. I hadn''t had lunch that evening, so I ended up gorging myself on the spread before flopping myself on the bed. It was different feeling from your typical mattress but not necessarily worse. I was also exhausted from trying to be a hero and about ready to collapse either way. I barely managed to get my armor off before nodding off.

    The last thing I saw before sleep was the portrait of the Rose family hanging over the hearth. A red bearded man in a lordly attire that I couldn''t really identify the time of but vaguely a suit with a high collar. That, I presumed was Lord Tomas Rose. At his feet were the seventeen- and sixteen-year-old daughters, Ania and Agata. Ania was the younger one with red hair like her father and Agata had raven tresses like her mother.

    Both daughters were wearing blue dresses that seemed more Bridgerton or Anastasia than Middle Ages. They both looked happy, so this was presumably before the traumatizing horrors of the first book. Finally, their mother was present with the brunette woman wearing a black Gothic-looking dress. Maria Rose had a severe expression that seemed almost accusatory toward the bed where I lay. Maria had been a minor daughter of the royal family that had hated Garland from the day he''d arrived. She believed he was her husband¡¯s bastard and that the idea he was Perun¡¯s son was ridiculous. Things had gotten worse once the attraction between her daughters and the sixteen-year-old Garland had become noticeable.

    What had happened in the ensuing fifteen or so years of book time? Lord Rose ended up killed by the Mad Queen''s brother, Lady Maria had been turned into a vampire by Veles, and both daughters had suffered terribly in the interim. All the secondary supporting characters had ended up killed, tortured, or corrupted as well until the castle''s original inhabitants had all been wiped out. As a teenager, I''d thought this was the coolest thing in the world but as an adult I''d just wanted the remaining Rose family members to reunite. Now it was never going to happen.

    Garland was dead, I was an imposter.

    "Don''t think about this as stealing a dead man''s life," Jon said, sitting on his perch. "Instead, think of this as taking all of his stuff after he doesn''t have any use for it anymore."

    I threw a pillow at the raven before entering a strangely dreamless sleep. The next morning, I awoke to deal with pressing concerns.

    "Seriously, man, I can''t believe you''re struggling with how to use the bathroom," Jon muttered as I left the private bathroom that the quarters came with. I''d managed to get "close enough" to figuring how it worked but the specifics were still eluding me. However, the next time I needed to use the bathroom, I suspected I might be in trouble.

    "Listen, the other option is the bidet," Jon said, looking genuinely pained at my ignorance. "It''s a washing bin you use after you use the hole in the tower bathrooms. They work just like outhouses and drop it all into the pits below."

    "Uh huh," I said, looking at the sun streaming in through the windows of my room. It was a new day in this place. I could still smell the smoke from yesterday''s attack, though. "Isn''t that a security concern? I mean, if you''re undead and don''t care about wading through crap?"

    Jon paused at that. "That might explain a few of the castles falling in the region. But let''s put a pin in that until later."

    "So, the bidet¡ª" I asked.

    "You use your hands and oil," Jon said. "It''s how the Tarks do it in the Eastern Lands past the Great Forest and Mountains of Death."

    "You''ve got to be kidding me," I said, disgusted. "My hands? Is there not a cantrip or something we can use instead?"

    "Yes, use phenomenal cosmic power to clean yourself," Jon said, sarcastically.

    "Like you wouldn''t," I snapped, putting my hardened leather armor back on. It was a poor substitute for chain mail, but I had to make do with what I had. The real Garland had sacred metal forged from a star and enchanted by elves but, like with his levels, he had to start over each game with basic equipment.

    "Just follow the instructions I gave you," Jon said. "A bunch of disposable paper isn''t going to get you any cleaner really than the way they use what they use around here. There''s also not exactly a supply of Charmin around these parts if you catch my drift. I got used to it and you''ll eventually get used to it too."

    I paused before shaking my head. "Screw it, I''m just going to get a bunch of leaves."

    Jon covered his face with his wing. "Wait til we talk about bathing. You''re going to have to start learning to wash your face and hands regularly but not take actual showers or baths save when you come across a waterfall or pond. Plus, sharing water is a thing."

    "Ugh."

    "On the plus side, communal bathing is totally a thing. They have bath houses for it and everything." Jon''s voice took on a suggestive tone, implying that whatever the villagers got up to in the bathhouses wasn''t just cleaning themselves.

    I stared at Jon. "Just how horny are you at all times, raven?"

    "On a scale of 1-10? 12."

    I almost made a joke whether that was an actual stat, but I didn''t want to know the answer. Instead, I decided to check my stats to see how far I was from leveling up again. Every new level, the counter for EXP reset and you had to grind an increasingly higher number of points. At least if it was like the game.

    Level 2 to 3:

    3200/5000 EXP

    "That''s actually really good," Jon said, looking at my bracelet feed. "I was only at 200 points when I finished the tutorial. You''re going to start wanting to level grind as soon as you''re in the village, but you have a pretty good head start. You should be at least 4th level before you leave Crossroad Village. This is a basic starting area."

    If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.

    "Isn''t that a rather dismissive way of referring to a town that just got sacked by Harryhausen skeletons?" I asked.

    "I''m pretty sure that it''s exactly as dismissive as that statement," Jon said. "But the fact is that, at least as I did it, the village of Crossroad is a place full of procedurally generated quests and content that will allow you to figure out how to use your powers. Also, get a few more Companions. As useless as I''ve always found them to be."

    I felt a headache coming on. "I don''t suppose it''s the fact you treat them like NPCs that may be the reason they aren''t your friends?"

    "They are NPCs," Jon said, frowning. "They live in a video game world. They only exist now to help the main character."

    "So do you," I point out.

    Jon paused, not responding for a moment. "Crap."

    "Yeah," I pointed out. "Also, procedurally generated? What do you mean?"

    "As I understand, all the quests are different from Garland to Garland," Jon said, glad to change topics. "Sometimes the village is suffering from people needing to be rescued from lingering monsters. Sometimes they need you to do personal shit. It''s all randomized."

    I bit my lip. "I''m going to take a wild stab in the dark, Jon, and suggest that may actually not be procedurally generated content."

    "Oh, then why is it different each time?" Jon asked.

    "Because each of the sequences is with different people and every single one of these events matters," I said, wondering what I''d done in life to be cursed with such a self-absorbed familiar.

    Jon seemed, again, to be affected by this. I was reaching him. I just wasn''t sure that it was worth the effort. "Yeah, well, I bet Farmer Grub''s wife is still fu¡ª"

    Whatever he was going to say was cut off by a knocking on the wooden door of Garland''s quarters.

    "Who is it?" I asked.

    "There''s literally only one other person in the castle," Ania said.

    "Oh right," I said, heading to the door and opening it up.

    Ania was on the other side of the door, once more dressed in her armor and prepared for battle. She had her hair up, though, and it kind of reminded me of Princess Leia on Endor. "Did you figure out the privy?"

    I blinked. "Is that a common problem for the Garlands?"

    "The two I met before you, yeah," Ania replied. "Honestly, I''m not sure how you keep yourselves clean."

    "I plead the fifth," I said.

    "The fifth of what?" Ania asked, confused.

    "Nevermind," I muttered, looking around. "I was just about to go out and, uh, level grind."

    Ania blinked. "Right. Well, how about we go together? The village is in dire need of help, and you are someone with at least some ability to fight."

    "Some," Jon muttered.

    "I have a pretty good idea at least some of Garland and my old companions are also at the local tavern," Ania said.

    "We''re heading to a bar? It''s like nine the morning," I asked, confused. "What kind of drunken losers would be getting wasted at this hour of the day."

    "The kind who may or may not have seen their wives, sons, daughters, or brothers dragged off to the Underworld by the living dead yesterday," Ania replied.

    I paused. "Right. I suppose I''d be having a whiskey, neat after that myself."

    "Well on the rocks isn''t really an option around here," Jon replied. "Not unless you have ice magic."

    "Fair point," I admitted.

    Jon jumped from his perch and landed on my shoulder in one easy motion. "Wait, is it the Black Cat? The city''s brothel? Because I''m in."

    "Yes, it''s the Black Cat," Ania said. "It always survives the siege intact. It''s also, technically, a tavern."

    I scrunched my brow. "The city''s brothel is called the Black Cat? Why?"

    Ania stared at me and raised one eyebrow. ¡°Think on it.¡±

    The meaning clicked for me. "Ah, I get it now."

    "It¡¯s not an exact translation, I think," Jon replied. "Anyway, it''s also the base for a lot of the Dark Undermasters seeking extra work. Dragon Keep accepted petitions from all over the Southern Kingdoms but if you wanted actual action then you''d just put it up on the wall of the brothel."

    "Yeah, I''ve read the short stories."

    The Dark Undermaster collections had the typical premise of Garland in an unnamed brothel finding out about some local monster haunting the region or a twisted fairy tale story happening nearby. He''d try to intervene, everything would go horribly wrong, and there would be some valuable lesson at the end about how heroism sucked. In retrospect, they were kind of repetitive a well as needlessly nihilistic, but they were my jam growing up.

    "Anyway, if it''s like before then other friends and family will be drawn back here," Ania said, turning around and walking away.

    I ended up following her. The halls of Dragon Keep looked slightly better in the morning with the extinguished fire no longer smoldering, sunlight streaming in from the various broken windows, and the overall effect more like immense emptiness than being the sight of a massacre. Still, I wasn''t going to forget what I''d seen the night before. Maybe Jon had been trying to cope with his situation by thinking of it in purely video game terms, but I was very much aware that this was real. No continues, no save scumming, and real consequences for people other than myself.

    "Anyone I know?" I asked.

    "I dunno," Ania replied. "I don''t know who you know."

    Fair enough.

    "So, what were the other Garlands like? I mean, the ones you remembered because of the bracelet," I said, interested if there was anything I could learn from them. It was a long shot, but I wasn''t about to take on the Dark Lord and all his minions by myself. The bracelet was leading me to try to recruit more companions, but they''d all think I was Garland, and I didn''t want to deal with pretending to be someone I wasn''t, especially around Ania.

    "They weren''t Garlands," Ania said, sharply. "They were Imposters, just like you."

    "Sorry," I said, grimacing. Clearly, I''d just erased whatever good will I''d managed to accumulate yesterday.

    Ania sighed. "You already met the first one."

    "What?" I asked.

    "Skull King," Ania said, not bothering to look back. "He started as one of you people."

    You people, I assume, meaning champions from Earth. This was a bombshell she''d rather casually dropped and changed the entire nature of my encounter with the dead man. I''d killed a "real" person, which made me feel like a hypocrite for feeling like since I''d already just reassured myself that I wasn''t like Jon. Then again, I''d previously thought Skull King was undead and I was entirely okay with divorcing living people from undead monsters.

    "What?" I asked. "He was from my world?"

    "Yes, what?" Jon asked.

    "Not everyone who dies becomes a crow," Ania explained, shrugging. "It''s possible to make a pact with Veles and switch sides. The God of the Dead proceeds to make you a permanent part of this world and one of his minions. Valentin loved the fact he was trapped in a world where he was the strongest person around and he abused his powers every chance he could. I was too weak to stop him. I was confused, horrified, and angry at ''Garland'' for most of our time together."

    "You didn''t know he was a champion at first?" I asked, avoiding the word imposter.

    "I couldn''t," Ania said. "The damn spell that Weis wove over us all made me crazy. I kept trying to justify his actions until I finally snapped."

    "What caused that?" I asked, wondering if it would be possible to break other locals out of their confusion.

    "He killed another Imposter," Ania asked, her expression haunted. "Another champion of Weis who was actually trying to make a difference here. I never knew their name but the incongruity of seeing two of them fight finally snapped me out of it. After Valentin won, I took the bracelet off their opponent''s dead body, and everything changed. I started to see the walls of the prison I was in."

    She lifted her bracelet. That was when I noticed it had suffered some damage and had scratches all over its runes.

    "Did the other Garland have an Ania?" I asked, letting my mind wander.

    "Huh?" Ania asked, doing a double take.

    "I mean, if there''s multiple Garlands running around, do they come with their own Anias?" I asked, speculating aloud. "It says I should recruit six companions. Is it possible that they''re all the same like you''ve been magically cloned or something.

    Ania stopped cold and turned to look at me.

    "Oh, right, yeah," I muttered. "That problem would be disturbing to think about."

    "No, she came back here," Jon said. "So, there''s got to be recycling of characters. I guess that means we¡¯re all competing to see who gets a full group.¡±

    "You Imposters are so damn weird."

    "Gotta catch em all!¡± I said, cheerfully.

 Chapter Nine - Exploring the Starting Area

    "So, who was the second champion you met?" I asked, remembering that she''d claimed to have met two.

    "Her name was Francine," Ania said, a wistful tone to her voice. "Francine DuBois."

    "Ah, French chicks," Jon said, nodding. "Say no more."

    "French Canadian, actually," I replied. "She was before your time."

    I knew Francine Dubois in a, ''we shared coffee a few times in the break room'' sort of way. She was an actual writer on the Dark Undermaster games. Francine had played Women''s College Basketball, was a bit on the butch side, and was one of the nicest people I''d ever met. Francine had her desk cleaned out a few years ago and everyone assumed she''d been fired. The popular theory was she''d attempted to argue microtransactions and live service were terrible ideas, so they should focus on story instead. Try and get a positive single player experience going. You know, career suicide.

    "Needless to say, given she was a woman, it was ridiculous that people treated her as Garland," Ania said. "But I came to believe she was a hero in her own right."

    It was the first sign that Ania didn''t hold all the champions in contempt. "I take it the romance path wasn''t involved."

    Okay, that was more a hope on my part.

    "You''d be surprised," Ania said.

    "Yeah, all companions are player sexual," Jon said. "Which is totally against the books. On the other hand, it''s good marketing. Fenris is the best Dragon Age 2 companion. I was always disappointed they didn''t let you romance Kate Mulgrew''s Flemeth. Ooo, Captain Janeway, you naughty-naughty swamp witch GILF."

    I needed to clean my brain out with arcane fire.

    Ania''s stance hardened. "In the end, Francine proved to be just as rotten as the rest of them."

    "Really," I said.

    We reached the main hall and the broken door to Crossroad Village. "Yeah, she ended up choosing to support the Dragon Queen''s attempt to conquer the Southern Kingdoms and reunite the Old Kingdom of Ledziana. Basically, she got so obsessed with the political bullshit and intrigue that she forgot we were trying to prevent the end of the world."

    I managed to keep myself from pointing out that was one of the biggest divides in the fandom. There were people vastly more interested in the Mad Queen vs. Dragon Queen plot as well as all the feuding houses over the giant zombie hordes. Same in reverse. Personally, I thought the two plots interwove well and were why the Dark Undermaster books had such a wide fanbase. But just try to share that kind of opinion on DarkUndermaster.Org or Reddit.

    "A reunited Ledziana would be pretty good for fighting hordes of the undead," Jon said, surprising me by showing actual interest in the world''s story. "Whether it had a weredragon and her army of peasants on it or the Mad Queen and her Imperial lightning knights. Which, oh my god, I just now got were a reference to stormtroopers."

    "Uh huh," I said. "Also, the blitzkrieg, yes."

    "I mean, just because I ignored most of the plot of the games doesn''t mean I was completely ignorant," Jon said, a little too defensively. "I was doing the Dragon Queen plot when I was killed! God, the animations on her outfit with all the jiggle physics..."

    "The Mad Queen slaughtered my family," Ania said, shaking her head. "My father believed that Princess Celestyne was the true heir even though Apollonia was born like a minute after her. His honor and integrity brought nothing but misery to our house. The Dragon Queen has been waging war on the rest of the Southern Kingdoms ever since, fighting for her rights while the rest of the world burns."

    "Plus, Garland was porking her," Jon said, nodding.

    "He was porking half of the women in the Southern Kingdoms," Ania muttered, not at all bitter. "But I loved him despite his flaws. It''s going to break Agata''s heart when she finds out he''s truly dead."

    "How''s she going to do that?" I asked, wondering just how far off script we were potentially going.

    Hopefully a lot.

    Agata Rose had almost as tragic a backstory as Ania but had been hated by much of the fandom for her behavior in the first book. She''d constantly bullied and insulted Garland growing up due to the latter''s bastardry. She''d also been the Mad Queen''s handmaiden, albeit under duress. A series of terrible marriages, abuse, and almost comical tragedy had softened the fandom''s opinion toward Agata but a lot of readers would still have been happy to see her dead. The ones who didn''t confuse insults with sexual tension, at least. The last Agata had been seen was before the five-year time skip when she¡¯d been spirited away to a Sisters of Mokosh abbey. Everyone was expecting she''d return as a religious fanatic or something worse.

    "With this," Ania said, producing another bracelet. This one was red hued but recognizably a Mark of the Champion.

    "Where did you get that?" I asked, stunned.

    "Valentin''s body," Ania said. "Veles may resurrect him or not but he won''t have the Rheingold. He won''t be able to gain any more power through this ''leveling'' system."

    "That cheating bastard!" Jon said, disgusted. "No wonder he was unbeatable! He was team killing the whole time."

    I wasn''t so sure since Jon clearly had survived an encounter with Valentin during his run. If Valentin had ''free will'' for lack of a better term and was from our world, he should have just been able to kill every champion at the starting level. It would have been pragmatic behavior for a player character gone evil (Christ, I was falling into the same habit of referring to everything in RPG terms as Jon). Instead, he''d apparently just beaten them up and gone off to do whatever. It didn''t make sense and implied something more was going on here than met the eye. You know, beyond being transported to a magical fairy land that ran on discount D&D rules.

    "How do you think she''ll react?" I asked.

    If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

    "To the idea we''re playthings for the gods and our brother is dead but you''re walking around with his identity? Probably badly," Ania said.

    Great.

    "Do you know where your sister is?" I asked, uncertainly.

    "Yep," Ania said, not elaborating. "At least if events hold to how they usually go down."

    That wasn''t reassuring.

    Crossroad Village was a place that didn''t look much better in the daytime than it did at night but at least the fires had been put out and the bodies had been collected. There were several pyres in the distance, and I had the strong suspicion that the locals had taken to cremation with the advent of the rising dead. Still, despite all the damage, the place was quite nice to look upon from a purely aesthetic point of view. Its stone and thatched buildings spread out in a way that invoked the kind of idealized Medieval ambiance that had inspired so many RPGs over the decades. About the only thing that wasn''t picturesque, aside from the burned or collapsed parts, was the smell. There was no sewer system in the town, and I was now aware as to why everyone I saw wore boots. People just threw their crap out the window.

    Literally.

    Crossroad wasn''t a small village either and probably was bordering on the size of a town, even with the deaths from the night before and previous cycles. There were vast golden fields stretched out around the village as well as a small river that served as a barrier between them. Crossroad Village was a farming community, alright, and I could see multiple roads leading out of its corners in every point of the compass. This was probably where the place had gotten its name. There were a few more permanent looking buildings than the straw roofed houses of the locals and I noted them as we walked. There was the blacksmith, the stables, the church (or temple since Christianity didn''t exist in this world), and one two story mansion that pretty much dominated the North side of the community.

    "Is that the Black Cat?" I asked, staring at it.

    "Yep," Ania said.

    "Sex and booze seem to be very profitable around these parts," I said, blinking. It would have been considered an extremely nice home in my world.

    "It usually is," Ania said. "But the Black Cat was built to cater to the Dark Undermasters after my family was driven out. It was also constructed by a retired adventurer with his fortune. Some people have interesting ways of spending their retirement."

    Strangely, Jon didn''t have any comment on that one.

    "Maelor the Black," I said, remembering a name she said earlier.

    "Got it in one," Ania said.

    Maelor the Black was a character in the books but for the life of me I couldn''t remember what his deal was. He only showed up in the third book in the Ania parts of the series I''d kind of skimmed past. He had some sort of secret that fans had speculated on and seemed to be set up for a larger role down the line. One thing I did note was that female readers really loved him, and he was the primary source of slash fiction as well as fan art. His being left out of the television show had caused a near-boycott of the FANT network among certain groups, at least according to Nightchilde.

    "Maybe he''s the companion we''re supposed to find," I replied.

    "Not from what I recall," Jon said. "He''s a vendor and quest giver instead. Be glad, if you recruited him, you''d never get laid again. Unless you''re more open minded about these things than you come off. No offense but you have serious vanilla energy."

    I sighed. "Why did I have to get Charlie Sheen as my spirit animal?"

    "Eurasian Charlie Sheen, which is like 2% cooler due to having a Japanese granddad," Jon said. "Just because I''m all black and feathery now doesn''t mean I''ve forgotten where I come from! Modesto, California! Home of George Lucas and absolutely jack shit else."

    "I remember what you look like, Jon," I said, thinking back to the handsome but awkward man who¡¯d worked two cubicles down. The guy who absolutely insisted that he looked like a young Keanu Reeves but didn''t in the slightest.

    "Good," Jon muttered before lowering his voice, "One of us has to. It gets harder and harder to remember the longer I spend like this."

    I made a mental vow to find a way to help Jon. Much to my surprise, that resulted in another ping from my bracelet.

    HELP JON SNOWAN

    Recommended Level: Any

    Rewards: Familiar Upgrade

    "Huh," Jon said, surprised.

    "Neat," I said, staring at it. "I guess there''s hope after all."

    "I qualify as a familiar?" Jon asked. "Weis, you rotten bastard."

    We passed through the town square on our way to the Black Cat and I saw there was a crowd gathered around a man in stocks. He was huge, at least seven feet tall, with skin the shade of tanned leather and a pair of horns sticking out of his head like he was a bull. His body was decorated in thick furs, and he looked like some fantasy artist''s conception of a barbarian. The crowd was throwing vegetables, cow pies, and worse at him while a crier spoke an almost indescribably foul litany of insults toward him.

    The peasants of Crossroad didn''t dress like I''d think Medieval people would but more like Puritans or maybe Puritans dressed like Medieval Fantasy Polish people. Either way, there was a lot of bonnets, blacks, browns, and heavy clothing that lacked anything resembling style. One thing they all seemed to share was a look of shared outrage and joy at humiliating their prisoner. There were even children among them.

    "Who the hell is that?" I asked, uncomfortable with such public mob violence.

    "Kragen Bloodstorm," Ania said, shaking her head. "He''s a Rus berserker and a mercenary for hire. The townsfolk hired him to defend the village only for him to end up looting a merchant''s home after slaughtering both him as well as his children."

    "Ah," I said, losing most of my sympathy. I didn''t remember such a character from the books and wondered if he was an invention for Lords of Dragon Keep or just one of the people that lived in this world. Then I decided it didn''t matter.

    "I actually recruited him as a companion," Jon said, surprising me. "He''s a Warrior and good at tanking damage. His DPS isn''t bad either. I mean, yeah, he suffers violent psychotic murder episodes but that''s just part of his story. Plus, he''s a demigod like you."

    Ania looked over my shoulder. "Who is his godly parent?"

    "The Crone," Jon said, as if afraid to say Baba Yaga. "Apparently, the old witch gets horny every few decades and takes a comely¡ª"

    "She''s not a goddess," Ania said. "She''s the mother of all hags, ogres, and other monsters, though."

    I waited for the bracelet to ping and say to recruit him as a companion, but it didn''t. Apparently, I''d have to make the effort to get him and wasn''t sure I wanted to. I already had a Black alignment companion and one who might as well have been. I was pretty sure I wanted to do a White alignment run here, well, as much as I could if it managed to get me out of this place.

    "Maybe we should ask if we could take him into our custody," I said, uncomfortable with the prospect but knowing we weren''t exactly high on resources at this moment. Indeed, as Jon had pointed out, we were a Rogue and a Sorcerer (and a familiar). We were a Warrior short. You needed all three for a well-balanced party and probably a healing focused sorcerer too.

    "Do what you want," Ania said. "I''m planning to make as many arrangements as we can to travel to Kalizov next."

    "Kalizov?" I asked, wondering when that was decided.

    "We need to complete these missions if we''re going to stop Veles so we might as well try to recruit the Dragon Queen or Queen Apollonia first," Ania said. "If they can''t tell you''re Garland, then that might be something we can leverage. I don''t know what we could offer the Jarls of the Rus or the Elves. You may have to sleep with one or both of them, though."

    I stopped in mid-step. "What?"

    "Clearly, I underestimated you as a companion, Ania," Jon said, sounding impressed. "I am so sorry that I drove you off by not paying attention to your approval score."

    "I''m glad I don''t remember you, Jon," Ania said, not bothering to stop as we passed out of the town square.

    "No offense intended?" Jon asked.

    "I didn''t say that," Ania said, smirking.

    "I''m not comfortable with that," I replied, thinking I would never want to be with someone who thought I was someone else.

    I wouldn''t do it.

    "Yes, because your comfort is what matters," Ania muttered. "We''re all going to have to make sacrifices, Imposter, if we''re to save the world."

    "He won''t be able to pull it off," Jon said. "Believe me."

    "Thank you, I think."

    "I mean, I wasn''t able to seduce the queen. What chance do you have?"

    I shook my head.

 Chapter Ten - You all meet in an inn (okay, a brothel)

    We arrived at the Black Cat, and it was a place that looked out of place in the quaint little nowhere town of Crossroad, almost as much as Dragon Keep. It had frosted windows with iron bars and was made of high-quality wood. Really, the architecture looked more Renaissance than Middle Ages and there was a smell of incense about the place rather than the ever-present excrement smell.

    A sign with a lounging black cat on it hung beside an awning overlooking the door. I could hear a little music coming from inside the place as well that could best be described as "generic lute music from a fantasy game."

    Not really interested in delaying any further, I opened the door and headed inside. I was immediately assaulted by scents of incense, flowers, and perfumes that I suspected existed to keep as much of the outside odor out as possible. There was also a pair of doormats that were filthy but showed someone was taking hygiene seriously. The floor was also made of flagstones, and I couldn''t help but think that would make it easier to clean.

    Was I overthinking the Medieval fantasy world? Or was it just that my mind was way too focused on toilet matters after Jon''s failed attempt to educate me on how things worked in my upgraded tower room? Seriously, if I hadn''t upgraded it, I would have been using a chamber pot and I didn''t even want to think about that.

    The interior of the Black Cat was exceptionally large and already packed to the gills with probably a dozen tables on the first floor, a staircase leading up the second floor where there were numerous doors to what I presumed to be rooms for "business", a wooden bar that wouldn''t have been out of place in my time, and the stereotypical casques of ale that dotted   your typical fantasy tavern or inn. It reminded me that the laziest way of starting any tabletop RPG was to say you all met in an inn.

    This was the R-rated version of such a place, though, and the lower level was full of attractive cleavage-showing waitresses and shirtless men (yay for equality, I guess) serving a mixed crowd of patrons. They were extremely well-dressed in a variety of strange clothing that I assumed were from the other five kingdoms of the Southern Kingdoms or maybe even the Empire. There were lots of people who came to petition the Dark Undermasters for their help in solving monster problems, but they weren''t going to find any of that here anymore.

    I noticed the ratio of male travelers to female was also about 1:1, which surprised me but probably shouldn''t have. The Dark Undermaster series hadn''t skewed so heavily male as others. Indeed, it seemed to also fit the harlots I spotted above, who were basically the same as the servers but wearing much-much less.

    "Fifty gold pieces a pop, huh," I muttered, not at all tempted. I figured if I was going to have sex, I''d probably want to do it with someone who wanted to be with me and probably who hadn''t been with three other persons that day.

    "The usual charge is five," Ania said, shaking her head. "That''s not even including the Undermaster discount that Maelor usually gives. He must have really hated you, Jon."

    "Guys, you''re killing me," Jon said, shaking his little head.

    "Only if I miss," Ania replied, absently. "My sister should be here somewhere so look at the ladies wearing hoods or veils. If you''re serious about helping me, Imposter¡ª"

    "You can call me Aaron," I said, absently.

    Ania paused. "Aaron, then you check the news board. Maelor the Black owns a printing press that he acquired from the Empire and uses it to provide the Dark Undermasters with work. We''ll need to raise as much coin as possible for our trip and acquire for you better equipment. I won''t have you slowing me down. You also need some experience in monster hunting."

    Given she was 9th level, and I was 2nd, there was something to that logic, but I couldn''t help but feel insulted. Jon may have been an ass by insisting that we were the main characters in a world with real people and real consequences but that didn''t mean I wanted to be a sidekick either. I wanted to help these people and being a complete amateur wasn''t going to help matters. So, against my better judgement, I was going to have to follow Jon''s advice and level up fast. Otherwise, I would just be a burden, Arcane Fire and PUSH aside.

    "Where do I find these Medieval Craigslist notes?" I asked, not bothering to worry about the translation.

    Ania pointed literally a foot to my left where there was a bunch of notices hammered up against the wall.

    "Oh," I said, blinking. "I suppose that would be it, yes."

    It seemed I also needed to level up my WIS score some more.

    "You can also find Pwiffle matches here or bare fisted boxing," Jon said. "You know, the usual stuff you find here."

    "I have very little interest in either," I replied. "I hate Pwiffle."

    Jon stared in horror. "Blasphemy."

    Ania smiled. "You may have to overcome that aversion. My brother was an addict at Pwiffle, and wrestling is a good source of income."

    "My stats aren''t exactly optimized for that," I replied. I may look a great deal buffer in this world but that didn''t translate to STR or CON bonuses.

    "You should also try and sell the Skull King''s armor and helmet," Ania added. "Most of the locals wouldn''t touch it but Maelor will give you a thoroughly underwhelming price for it and might sell you some decent equipment in turn."

    I never liked buying equipment versus acquiring it in the field when I played RPGs. I always felt like I was being cheated because the game developers knew most people would go with what they got from quests over hanging around vendors. Now that it was my life that I was playing with, I was much more comfortable buying if it meant raising my chances of survival from zero to slim. Too bad that I''d already spent most of the coin that I''d acquired from killing the Skull King. I briefly glanced at my bracelet menu to see how much I had in the way of money.

    73 GP

    Great.

    According to Jon, that wouldn''t buy me much more than a roll in the hay I didn''t want.

    The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

    "Right," I said, nodding. "You go look for your sister and I''ll check for new quests. I''ll check the broadsheets."

    Ania nodded then turned to walk among the crowds, seemingly slipping among them despite the fact she should have been one of the most famous people in the region due to her historical connection with the Rose family as well as Undermasters both.

    "Come on, man," Jon said. "Pwiffle, Pwiffle, Pwiffle. It''s fun to say Pwiffle."

    I ignored him and looked over the news board and found myself finding a few messages about missing people, food shortages, and more that I couldn''t help with. It was only the papers that were marked with the Dark Undermaster''s seal, a sword crossed with a staff over a skull, that I paid attention to. I made a mental note to look into the others as well, though. The "game" might not want me to do so but I was determined to do whatever I could. Each time I examined one of the notes, my bracelet updated. Apparently, it had a sense of humor by the descriptions that were greatly at odds with its previous professional tone.

    SIDEQUEST(S) ADDED:

    WET AND WILD GIRLS

    Recommended Level: 2

    Reward: 1000 EXP, Ring of Protection +1, 50 GP

    Description: A mother and father want you to rescue their son from the lusty caresses of a Rusalka, a sort of Little Mermaid for adults.

    "I felt The Little Mermaid was plenty adult," Jon replied. "Mind you, I didn''t know Ariel was supposed to be fifteen."

    "Never say that again," I replied.

    "Seriously, Esmeralda is the only legal one," Jon said. "Unless you have a thing for Maleficent, which I did."

    "Everyone had a thing for Maleficent," I replied. "There''s a reason they had Angelina Jolie play her in the live action movie."

    LOOK AT THE BONES

    Recommended Level: 2

    Reward: 1000 EXP, Boots of Speed, 50 GP

    Description: A horrifying monster has taken root in the fields and slain a dozen men. Save the village from this evil!

    "It''s going to be a rabbit or something adorable, isn''t it?" I asked Jon.

    "Probably," Jon said. "We were overdue for a Monty Python reference."

    RATS IN THE CELLAR

    Recommended Level: 2

    Reward: 1000 EXP, Cloak of Protection +1, 100 GP

    "Ah, killing rats," Jon said, sighing. "The most basic of all adventurer quests."

    "Is it just me or are they offering a lot of magical items at a very low level?" I asked, confused.

    "There''s a lot of dead Undermasters," Jon explained. "Let''s just say that they probably didn''t get buried with their boots on."

    I''d have complained but I''d been robbing the corpses of everyone I''d slain too. "Watch there be some kind of horrifying twist on this."

    "Probably," Jon admitted. "That''s kind of how this world rolls."

    MY KIDS LOOK LIKE THE MILKMAN

    Recommended Level: 4

    Reward: 5000 EXP, Pwiffle Card (Hag), 500 GP

    Description: Farmer Grub thinks a incubus is visiting his wife in the afternoon. Drive it off to preserve the sanctity of their loveless sexless marriage.

    "Did the writer change for the descriptions in these bracelets or did Weis develop a sense of whimsy?" I asked, tapping it on the side.

    "Trust me, this is the easiest quest in the game," Jon said, referring to his earlier recommendations for sex tourist-ing across Ledziana. "You just go to Farmer Grubs, accept the quest, and then slip Mrs. Grub the Polish sausage. She gives you the card and you lie about driving her incubus lover off. Everyone is happy and gets laid, except Farmer Grub but screw that guy. Or not in this case as he''s a weird religious nut who hates fun."

    "This quest seems overly generous if all you have to do is have sex with a bored housewife," I replied, not having any intention of going that route. For the noble reason of not wanting to be party to adultery and fraud as well as the less noble but no less present motivation of not wanting to be party to Jon''s sloppy seconds.

    "It''s one of those quests that they make to trick players into thinking the game rewards creative thinking over pure combat," Jon replied. "They always throw a few quests in here that can be resolved by talking rather than murder in order to pretend it''s deep or make some sort of point about multiple choice. Or a secret way to resolve the quest with unusual uses of strategic thinking."

    "You mean like using PUSH to kill the boss attacking the town," I said, dryly.

    "Showoff," Jon muttered. "You got lucky. I remind you that you have a WIS score of 8."

    "Yeah, and I''m starting to think the average score around here is around 3-4."

    Jon paused for a second. "Okay, that was actually pretty funny so I''m going to let it slide."

    "What was your WIS score?" I asked.

    "I''m not telling," Jon said.

    There were no other notices of importance, and I was about to turn back to join with Ania when I heard a shout as well as chair sliding off the stone cobblestones.

    "Heretic! Blasphemer! Traitor! You are the one we seek!" A man spoke with a heavy German accent.

    I turned around to see a table full of men in chain mail with red tabards bearing the symbol of the Empire''s Golden Bull. They also had a red robed man with a shaved head and long red beard who looked less like a wizard and more like Max Von Sydow''s Ming the Merciless from Flash Gordon (Ah-AAAHHH!! Savior of the Universe!). He was a wizard, though, because he started chanting in an alien language that wasn''t quite Latin.

    This would have been alarming enough if not for the fact they were clearly about to fight Ania and another woman that it took me a second to recognize as the one she''d sought. Whereas Ania was short, tomboyish, and shapely redhead, Agata Rose was a tall and slender brunette with long dark tresses trailing down over her shoulders. She was wearing a flattering green gown with a blue hooded cloak that looked way too nice for this place (and this was the nicest place in Crossroad). She had a jeweled staff with a silver eagle on the top of it clutching a sapphire in its mouth. If she was trying to stay inconspicuous, she was failing miserably.

    I wasn''t sure what Larry C.C. Weis had been thinking planning to make Agata into one of Garland''s companions because she''d never been an adventurer. Indeed, most of her scenes in the books had been about how stupidly romantic her worldview of heroic knights as well as handsome princes was. Weis had seemingly taken a perverse delight in torturing her and disabusing her of every romantic notion she''d held.

    I prepared Arcane Fire to help when Agata slammed down the bottom of her staff against the floor, causing an explosion of blue, white energy that sent all six of the Imperials flying. She then covered herself in an ARMOR spell even as her sister moved to draw her bow, Lightbringer.

    "Huh," I said, staring. "Agata Starek is a witch now."

    I had not seen that coming.

    "Don''t just stand there, Imposter! Kill them!" Ania shouted.

    "Right!" I said, firing Arcane Fire at the wizard on the ground because I assumed him to be the most dangerous. Unfortunately, this proved to be a stupid idea as the flame struck a glowing aura around him that absorbed it completely. Crap, I forgot Arcane Fire didn''t work on wizards. It was one of those stupid rules made up for the books.

    "Garland of Nowhere, I will have your heart and offer it up to the Emperor!" the red robed wizard said, shooting a bolt of glowing green energy that struck me in the chest. It felt like someone stuck my entire lower body in liquid nitrogen. I felt cold, sick, and worse than when I''d caught Covid-19 in 2020.

    Another hit or two like that and I was dead.

    PUSH wouldn''t do much good here, so I decided to do something stupid and pulled out the Skull King''s sword before wildly swinging it around. Much to my surprise, the blade cut through the wizard''s throat, and he fell to the ground with copious black inhuman ichor flying out. His body turned gray and inhuman before disintegrating on the ground.

    Damn.

    Two of the Imperials had been struck down by Ania sticking two glowing arrows into the throats of the soldiers. A third had gone for Agata with his mace, only to have it bounce against her armor before she put her hand on his face and conjured Arcane Fire of her own. His death scream was horrifying but Agata didn''t even flinch.

    That left two Imperials, both exchanging a glance. Unfortunately, it wasn''t to do the sane and rationale thing of retreating. No, surrounded by all the other brothel guests and workers watching this like a MMA fight, they turned toward me before charging. Apparently, they didn''t mind if they died if they took down the great Garland of Nowhere.

    This was going to suck.

 Chapter Eleven - "No Easy Way Out" is not just a Rocky 4 song

    The Imperial lightning knights were minor villains in the books. The comparison to stormtroopers was pretty apt. They were supposed to be some of the best trained warriors in the world and, compared to the typical levied peasant with a pitchfork, they probably were. However, the books also made them utterly useless against Garland and his companions. They tore through the lightning knights by the dozens and the supposed elite troopers were basically just excuses for action scenes. Two wouldn''t have caused any of the books¡¯ heroes to sweat. Two bearing down me with their swords was almost certain death.

    It didn''t help that whatever the wizard had done to me left me feeling like I was about to fall over and die. It should have been illegal to have red robed guys use ice magic, national color of the Empire or not. Still, I had the Skull King''s sword in my hands and was ready to fight, even though I had almost zero ability to do so.

    No saves, no continues.

    I had to remember that.

    ¡°Roll!¡± Jon shouted, reminding me that the combat of the games was incredibly broken with its dodge mechanics.

    I threw myself on the ground and rolled across the ground like Captain Kirk did fighting the Gorn. Much to my surprise, I moved with a swiftness and clarity I never possessed on Earth. The first sword attack slammed against the ground without striking me and I rolled again, dodging away from the attacking Imperial who looked at me like my actions were more silly than effective.

    At least, he seemed to be looking that way before I plunged the sword into chest. It was like sliding a knife through a slice of warm better, his armor practically useless against the rune weapon''s magic. The man''s eyes sunk back into his face as his face became ashen then rotted away to a skeleton underneath his clothes.

    It wasn''t just limited to the flesh of the dead soldier, either. The chain mail rusted over and disintegrate while the red tabard rotted like it had been stunk in a flooded basement for a decade. Whatever ¡°witchfire¡± was, it turned out it was damn terrifying in its effects. It reminded me of the death animation from the old, animated Dragon''s Lair game. The effect was so shocking that I found myself frozen in place, needing a moment to breathe from my rolls.

    Unfortunately, that left me wide open to the guy I''d dodged in the first place. ¡°Die, Knight of Nowhere!¡±

    I didn''t get a chance to roll again before he came at me. He didn''t get a chance to stab me, though, because a glowing arrow struck into the side of his head, sending him to the ground. Ania was standing across the room, holding it.

    ¡°You know your Arcane Fire works on regular soldiers, right?¡± Ania asked.

    ¡°Sorry!¡± I snapped. ¡°I''m still new at this.¡±

    ¡°Are you alright, Bastard Brother?¡± Agata asked, walking over to me. ¡°You fought like a dairy farmer.¡±

    ¡°Well, they fought like cows,¡± I muttered, falling to one knee and feeling like I was about to vomit on the floor.

    Around us, the various patrons of the brothel clapped like we''d provided a floor show. The Empire''s soldiers were unpopular everywhere and a large reason why the Mad Queen was considered a monster. It had been her decree that gave them free reign of the kingdoms and the ability to enforce Imperial laws within the Southern Kingdoms'' borders.

    ¡°They totally ripped off Monkey Island for Pirates of the Caribbean,¡± Jon said, taking rest on the top of a wooden chair.

    I checked my bracelet for just how badly I was off.

    HEALTH: 3/10 (Major Injury, Frost Sickness)

    I had no idea what Frost Sickness was but suspected it wasn''t good. I ended up letting loose a horrible series of coughs and felt like throwing up.

    HEALTH: 2/10 (Major Injury, Frost Sickness)

    Crap.

    I reached down and tried to cast a CURE spell. Instead, Agata lifted her staff and spoke a melodic series of words. It made me feel terrible for the fact my spells just involved saying the spell''s name. It felt like I was cheating somehow. I wasn''t about to question her facility with sorcery, though, because Agata''s magic moved through my body like a warm liquid. The pain in my chest subsided and I no longer felt like I was dying. Nevertheless, I checked my bracelet and saw the difference.

    HEALTH: 6/10

    Still, not great. So, I put my hand on my chest and spoke, ¡°CURE.¡±

    Much to my surprise, it managed to fix everything else wrong with me. I felt better, stronger, and well rested.

    Then I threw up.

    HEALTH 10/10

    ¡°You should always apply a healing ointment before that,¡± Ania said, shaking her head. ¡°Magic may fix you up but it sure as shit hurts.¡±

    Agata sniffed the air. ¡°You don''t need to lecture our brother on such things, dear sister. He has more experience than any man alive in the combination of both swordsmanship and sorcery.¡±

    ¡°Because all the other Dark Undermasters are dead,¡± Jon said. ¡°Well, except Piotr and that guy probably can only slay a leg of mutton these days. I''ve got to say I approve of the glow up they''ve given Agata, though. Her actress never got to slink around like the rest of the female cast. I think she married a One Direction member after the last season. They''re probably divorced now.¡±

    Ania shot Jon a glare.

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    I stood up and shook my head. ¡°Thank you for your help.¡±

    ¡°I am here not to provide you help, Bastard Brother,¡± Agata said, addressing me. ¡°Instead, I come here representing the will of Mokosh. She came to me in a dream and said that it was my destiny to aid thee in driving away the Old Gods and bringing an end to the Rising Shadow. Do not think this means the things between us are settled, though. I blame thee for your role in the downfall of our house.¡±

    ¡°Right, sure,¡± I muttered.

    ¡°Hot,¡± Jon said. ¡°Clearly Weis had a thing for verbally abusive women. Him and Robert Jordan both.¡±

    AGATA ROSE HAS JOINED THE PARTY

    Class: Priestess of Mokosh Sorceress

    Level: 2

    Alignment: White

    ASSEMBLE COMPANIONS UPDATED (2/6)

    +200 EXP [Ice Wizard]

    +300 EXP [Storm Knights]

    +500 EXP [Story Bonus]

    +25 GPLevel 2 to 3:

    4200/5000 EXP

    Ania walked over to her sister. ¡°Hold on, Agata. Stand still.¡±

    ¡°I do not need you arguing on his behalf as you have always--¡± Agata started to speak before Ania snapped the late Skull King''s bracelet on her left arm.

    ¡°What is this?¡± Agata asked, looking like she was having a fog lifted from her eyes.

    ¡°It''ll help,¡± Ania said. ¡°In any case, we need to talk. At length.¡±

    Before Agata had a chance to respond, she collapsed into Ania''s arms and the shorter of the two sisters dragged her to a nearby wooden chair that she propped her up in.

    ¡°Is she going to be alright?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Yeah,¡± Ania said. ¡°But the memories of the past cycles are going to hit her and it''s not going to be pleasant.¡±

    ¡°She''ll remember everything?¡± I asked, surprised.

    ¡°Not even close,¡± Ania said. ¡°However, there will be dreams, fragmentary visions, and hallucinations. I''ll help her through it, though."

    I looked around to the gathered people. ¡°Should we really be talking about this in public?¡±

    ¡°We''re speaking the Old Tongue,¡± Ania replied.

    ¡°Oh,¡± I said, shaking my head. ¡°Of course.¡±

    This world made no sense.

    ¡°I can''t believe Weis had Agata join the Sex Witches,¡± Jon said.

    ¡°They''re not sex witches,¡± I muttered, going to check on her and wishing there was a place we could take her, but I wasn''t sure I could fire man''s carry her back to the keep. The upstairs was also probably occupied.

    The Priestesses of Mokosh were the largest surviving organized religion in the Southern Kingdoms. All the others had fallen into disrepute. It helped the other Old Gods were jerks and the New Gods had been brought by foreign invaders. Mokosh was the goddess of the Earth, fertility, fate, harvest, and childbirth.

    Also, yeah, sex.

    Mokosh was kind of an Aphrodite and Gaia figure simultaneously. Weis took a great deal of time describing their temple prostitution and holy sexual rites. Obviously, that had been of great interest in teenage me but now seemed kind of embarrassing as me missing the subtleties of the faith. Nightchilde said they represented Pre-Christian female worship that was totally not just a horny old man writing about a bunch of sexy mages.

    ¡°Oh, they''re absolutely sex witches,¡± Ania said, checking her sister''s eyes as if she was seeing if she had a concussion. ¡°Mom would be scandalized by her joining. Good.¡±

    Ah, yes. Lady Maria Rose and Ania hadn''t had a chance to reconnect before she''d become one of the living dead. I tried to remember if Ania knew about her mother''s transformation or whether she just thought Maria was dead-dead. If so, that would be an awkward conversation.

    ¡°Do you need help getting her anywhere?¡± I asked.

    ¡°I''m good,¡± Ania said. ¡°You need to deal with the owner. See if you can smooth things over with him.¡±

    ¡°What?¡± I asked.

    Ania hoisted up Agata over her shoulder and carried her to the door. ¡°Use that Charisma score of yours!¡±

    I tried to parse the logic of a literary character, who was a real person, referring to game mechanics that only existed because of an author from her world licensing a video game from her non-fictional life. That wasn''t down the rabbit hole or through the looking glass, that was straight up turtles all the way down.

    However, whatever thoughts I might have had on the subject were almost immediately subdued by the crowd around us parting for the arrival of the owner. The vast number of conversations occurring stopped at his presence, which surprised me since it implied that he was a lot more important than ¡°local pimp and tavern keep¡± might imply.

    In the simplest terms, Maelor the Black did not look like he belonged in a Medieval Fantasy World. Not even with the Renaissance Age architecture of his brothel. No, instead I''d say he looked more like belonged in a Goth Rock band from the Nineties. The guy was wearing an open button silk shirt that showed his hairless chest, smoked black lensed glasses that weren''t anachronistic but still looked damned strange for our surroundings, and had black pants that I was pretty sure were the scales of some kind of giant lizard.

    The dude himself was not human and I mean that in the most literal sense. He was probably an elf by the pointed ears, ivory white skin, and slightly off proportions. Elves in the Dark Undermaster series were on the tall side rather than short with him about six or six five, towering over most of the people here. There were other tiny things that drew attention like the fact that he had tufts of hair behind his ears, two fingers on each hand that were identical in length, and arms that were unusually long.

    Which told me he was a vampire.

    Now you might be confused about how I came to this conclusion. I don''t blame you. We were, in fact, in the middle of the daytime. However, vampires (or ¡°strigoi¡± if you wanted to be traditional) in this universe were like Blade or the Cullen family in that they didn''t die in the sun. The lesser versions had to sleep during the day, but it wasn''t quite as dramatic as in movies. The more powerful, strigoi nobles, could go about in the day just fine.

    I tried to remember if Maelor had been a vampire in his brief appearance or if this was a new development, but my mind was blanking. A lot of characters had been cut from the show after all. Anyway, my brilliant deductive powers knew a vampire when I saw one. That and he looked identical to the art for the Pwiffle (Vampire) collectible card. Yeah-yeah, I''m talking myself up. What can I say? I wasn''t sure that my chief advantage here on this world was the fact I had a passing familiarity with its version of the Monstrous Manual. I probably should have realized they were the same character but blame the low WIS score.

    ¡°Garland, my boy,¡± Maelor spoke in a smooth accent that invoked the kind of romance fiction that Nightchilde loved, ¡°you have certainly made a mess here, haven''t you?¡±

    Maelor was handsome, I should point out. No matter how much he should have invoked the uncanny valley affect, he was close enough to a human in appearance that even I had slight movement on my personal Kinsey scale. Like 0 to .1. He was like Sandman''s Dream crossed with Andrew Eldritch or Elliot Smith.

    ¡°Yeah,¡± I said, uncomfortable. ¡°Old friend. I certainly did make...a mess.¡±

    Yeah, my Garland impression could use some work.

    ¡°Whatever am I to do with you?¡± Maelor asked.

    ¡°We need to talk,¡± I said, pausing. I wasn''t comfortable with crowds and dead bodies. Which I suspected was a thing i was going to have to get over. ¡°I would like to buy some goods. Special goods.¡±

    I''d remembered that Jon described him as a vendor. I really hoped this would pan out. Also, I really hoped once we were in private that he didn''t go for my proverbial throat. Wait, no, not proverbial. Go for my literal throat.

    Maleor''s eyes brightened. ¡°Ah! Why didn''t you say you came here for business! Follow me!¡±

    Jon leapt on my shoulder like a pirate''s parrot before we followed him. ¡°Well, this is slightly off-script.¡±

    Maelor went behind his bar and opened a trap door leading to a stepladder. We were heading into the cellar of the Black Cat.

    ¡°How so?¡± I asked.

    ¡°There weren''t any Imperial soldiers during my loop, let alone a wizard," Jon said. "Someone is altering the story.¡±

 Chapter Twelve - I can quit anytime I want

    The Black Cat''s cellar wasn''t really any different from a typical basement. There were more casks, some crates, and straw on the flagstone but I was still unnerved. Probably because I was going there with a vampire. It didn''t help that strigoi noblemen were always at least rated for 10<sup>th</sup> to 12<sup>th</sup> level characters in the previous games, if not full bosses. It was pitch black except for the light streaming in from the bar above.

    ¡°Someone should light a candle,¡± I said, absently.

    Maelor snapped his fingers, and the room suddenly had a dozen lantern burning across it. It was a sign he was a sorcerer as well as a vampire, which I probably should have suspected.

    ¡°Oh, neat,¡± I replied.

    A rat skittered across the floor before Maelor grabbed it with one hand and bit its head off before spitting the head to the side and pouring the resulting blood into his mouth. A row of shark-like teeth was visible, very different from your typical Bela Lugosi fangs. Maelor promptly threw the rat to one side. ¡°I''m sorry, would you like something to drink?¡±

    The trapdoor behind me slammed shut of its own accord.

    I stared. ¡°So, we''re not going to even pretend, are we?¡±

    ¡°Why?¡± Maelor asked in his seductive voice. ¡°Garland knew what I was and you are Garland. Aren¡¯t you?¡±

    I narrowed my eyes. ¡°So, yeah, what have you got?¡±

    ¡°Why don''t you consult that little pretty piece of jewelry?¡± Maelor asked, walking up to a nearby support beam and crossing his arms.

    I did so, wondering how much Maelor knew, exactly.

    MAELOR''S SPECIAL INVENTORY

    * LEATHER ARMOR +1 500 GP

    * LEATHER BOOT +1 250 GP

    * CLOAK +1 250 GP

    * LEATHER VAMBRACES +1 300 GP

    * ALCHEMICAL POTION [Health] 150 GP

    I stared at the numbers and shook my head. ¡°Yeah, I don''t think I''m going to be able to afford any of this. Blame the castle upkeep.¡±

    ¡°You can try selling me the items you took off the late Skull King,¡± Maelor said, absently. ¡°I suspect they''re worth a pretty penny.¡±

    I wondered how pretty penny translated as: pretty ceramic piece? Coinage was rare in the books with it being mostly for foreign trade and higher value goods. It was why the prices in the game were ridiculous, even with devalued coinage. Garland was apparently always getting ripped off by the locals who knew he was carrying a bunch of treasure looted from monsters. It really made me wonder why he bothered with helping the townsfolk in the first place. Oh, right, because it was the ''good'' and ''noble'' thing to do.

    Pardon my inner Jon Snowan coming out there.

    ¡°Yeah, I guess I should examine what that''s worth,¡± I said, once more consulting my bracelet. I was starting to feel like a Fallout protagonist with their PipBoy. Either that or my sister when she first got her phone as a teenager.

    I went to the equipment menu and looked up the stats on Ghost King''s armaments:

    * GHOST SWORD +5 [Witchfire Status Effect, Necromatic Damage], Value 7,500 GP

    * GHOST ARMOR +5 [Heavy, Immunity to Fear, Necromantic Effects], Value 10,000 GP

    * GHOST HELMET +5 [Bonus to Intimidation Checks, Immune to Critical Hits, Ice Damage Halved], Value 10,000 GP

    ¡°Wow, these are way overpowered for the starting area,¡± I muttered. ¡°Do the bonuses even go over +5 in these games?¡±

    ¡°Nope!¡± Jon said, staring. ¡°This is endgame content stuff. Skull King was bringing a gun to a knife fight.¡±

    At least it explained why I was able to kill two guys with a sword despite never having wielded one in my life. Funny how that bothered me no more than blasting the skeletons and zombies apart did.

    ¡°How much will you give me for them?¡± I asked.

    ¡°A hundred gold each,¡± Maelor said, absently.

    I stared at him. That wasn''t even enough for a one to one with the already overpriced starting equipment here. ¡°Really? You couldn''t throw in some shiny beads? I¡¯ve been cheated less by my internet provider.¡±

    Maelor shrugged., ignoring the anachronism of my comment. ¡°You can''t wear most of it as a sorcerer anyway. Magic is fundamentally the stuff of unreality and steel arms is made from iron, the antithesis of the Otherworld that provides all the magic to the world. That is why you must keep your armaments to a minimum.¡±

    ¡°Nice justification for a game balance rule Gary Gygax came up with,¡± Jon said, snorting. ¡°Explain Darth Vader then! He was all iron!¡±

    I shook my head. ¡°I think I''ll wait for a better vendor or to use these to arm someone else. Maybe I''ll have a Warrior companion later.¡±

    ¡°Every bit of armament you have is a potential salvation for your life,¡± Maelor said, subtly threatening. ¡°Can you really put a price on that?¡±

    ¡°Yes,¡± I asked, annoyed. ¡°You literally just did.¡±

    Maelor nodded, acknowledging the point. ¡°There''s another option for you to potentially turn your limited funds into something worthwhile, Garland.¡±

    ¡°And that is?¡± I asked, hating being referred to by that name.

    Maelor conjured a deck of cards in his hand, waxy slips of hard paper. ¡°A friendly game of Pwiffle.¡±

    ¡°Yes!¡± Jon said, flapping his wings enthusiastically.

    ¡°And what if I hate Pwiffle?¡± I asked, staring at him. I really didn''t want to get back into playing that game.

    ¡°Then you''d have undergone an extremely large change, Garland,¡± Maelor said, lowering his sunglasses onto the bridge of his nose. ¡°You love this game.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, there''s a lot of that going around lately,¡± I said.

    ¡°Perhaps you''ve forgotten how easy it is to win. Pwiffle is a very easy game to master,¡± Maelor said. ¡°I can explain the rules to you if you want. A refresher if you''ve suffered one too many blows to the head.¡±

    I stared at him, fury in my eyes. I really didn''t want to be dragged into this black hole of a game again. ¡°I know how to play goddamn Pwiffle. It''s a variant of poker with 52 cards based on a typical deck but with the four elements: Earth, Air, Fire, and Water standing in for Clubs, Diamonds, Spades, and Hearts. The Jokers are replaced with Collectible Cards that you can only spend in that session. You can insert one of five collectible cards you''ve picked each hand in a typical game that lasts five hands. Which is only relevant for tournament play. These cards have ridiculous abilities like making you change the value of a 2 to an Ace or the opponent must throw away one card. The collectible cards existing to justify meaningless side-questing in the video games and buying endless amounts of disposable packs of cards that maybe have a 1% chance of containing a genuinely rare Pwiffle card.¡±

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    Maelor blinked, which I hadn¡¯t seen him do until then. ¡°Yes, I suppose that is, in fact, how you play Pwiffle.¡±

    ¡°Damn, Aaron, did a deck of Pwiffle kill your dog?¡± Jon asked, looking at me. ¡°Did you go on a John Wick campaign of vengeance afterward?¡±

    I sighed, dealing with painful memories being dredged up by the prospect of another round of the world''s most addictive card game. Well, after Magic: The Gathering. ¡°No, it''s much-much worse.¡±

    ¡°How?¡± Jon asked.

    ¡°Yes, how?¡± Maelor asked.

    I did a double take as did Jon. ¡°Wait, you can understand him?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, I never would have done so much trash talking if I¡¯d known you were hearing other than squawking,¡± Jon said. ¡°That might be dangerous.¡±

    ¡°I''m a vampire, he¡¯s a raven, so yes, I can understand him,¡± Maelor said, rolling his eyes. ¡°I can also understand rats and wolves.¡±

    I nodded. It made about as much sense as anything else in this world. ¡°So, when you hear things like video games...¡±

    Maelor sighed, which was the first act of breathing I''d seen him perform. ¡°Yes, I''m aware you''re not actually Ser Garland, that you''re from another world, and you''re part of the ridiculous war between Veles and Perun''s Chosen.¡±

    ¡°Weis is Perun''s Chosen?¡± I asked, only now picking up on that. Earlier, Skull King had called him Perun''s Voice, so it made sense, I guess. It seemed the Wise Man had been holding out on us.

    ¡°Yes,¡± Maelor said. ¡°Quite a bit of loyalty to a dead god. Veles defeated his brother decades ago and scattered his essence. The Wise Man has been undermining Veles rather than engaging in open warfare ever since. I don''t have one of those magic bracelets you all sport to hold back the magic, but I don''t need one. Creatures of Veles or the Underworld don''t get affected by the spell Weis cast to make us all think Garland is still alive.¡±

    That was a lot to process. ¡°So, you''re a creature of Veles? Did you take part¡ª¡±

    ¡°No,¡± Maelor said, quite sharply. ¡°I had nothing to do with the attack on Crossroad. This is my home after all, and the Dark Undermasters were my best customers. You''ll find that quite a lot of us ''creatures of darkness'' consider our god''s cosmic temper tantrum to be embarrassing. I''m not even sure why he wants to destroy the world. Maybe because Perun created it as a gift for Mokosh and she chose the Sky Lord over him.¡±

    Jon stared. ¡°The Dark Lord wants to destroy the world because of a girl he liked?¡±

    ¡°Yes, pathetic, isn''t it?¡± Maelor asked.

    ¡°It is so relatable,¡± Jon said. ¡°Like Raistlin Majere, the greatest fantasy character of all time.¡±

    ¡°Clearly you misspelled Arya Stark,¡± I said, pondering Maelor''s words. I had to admit, that put an interesting spin on things. ¡°So, not every creature of darkness, err, no offense, is going to be an enemy? Some just want to live their lives doing, uh, creature of darkness-y things?¡±

    I wasn''t a great believer in absolute good versus evil, White alignment run or not, so it was reassuring that I wouldn''t necessarily have to take a genocidal war to the bad guy''s faction. Maybe we could even make some friends.

    Maelor scrunched up his nose as if smelling something bad. ¡°I wouldn''t necessarily go putting too much faith in the neutrality, let alone goodness, of my compatriots¡¯ hearts. Some of the strigoi nobles, death lords, and zmei are powerful enough to resist our god''s commands but most of the rank and file are near mindless horrors. Driven mad by their time in the Underworld or monsters created specifically to destroy humanity. Others are working for Veles and his lieutenants because of payment or a belief they will be spared.¡±

    I''d have pointed out how stupid a person had to be to let themselves be bribed in helping destroy the world, but you only had to turn on the news to see someone who would. ¡°Got it. Not all of Sauron''s forces are evil but most of them are.¡±

    ¡°I don''t know who that is,¡± Maelor said. ¡°You still haven''t explained why you hate Pwiffle.¡±

    Lestat here was taking this awfully personally. They were like drug dealers from the old 80s PSAs. I''d been surprised to find in real life that you had to go to them if you wanted weed. They weren''t handing out free samples. ¡°Why do you care?¡±

    Maelor looked embarrassed and adjusted his smoked glasses with one finger. Yes, that one. ¡°I''m a vampire.¡±

    ¡°Yes, and?¡± I asked. Which is a weird way to talk to a walking dead man but here we were.

    ¡°We''re obsessed with counting,¡± Maelor explained. ¡°Sunflower seeds, blades of grass, coins, and more. It''s one of our direst weaknesses. I wouldn''t share it with you if not for the fact I, mostly, have it under control. However, it means that I love card games. The more numbers the better.¡±

    I cocked my head to one side. ¡°That''s a real vampire weakness? What the Count from Sesame Street suffers from?¡±

    Maelor looked annoyed. Obviously, he had no idea who that was either.

    ¡°Man, let me tell you about the rules this world functions on,¡± Jon said. ¡°So many stats, you wouldn''t believe it. Attributes, hit points, armor class, modifiers¡ª¡±

    ¡°Please don''t,¡± I said, suspecting we''d be here all day (or all night as the case may be), if I let Jon explain how tabletop games worked.

    Maelor stared at me and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise up. ¡°Just indulge me, Garland.¡±

    ¡°It''s Aaron,¡± I corrected.

    ¡°But for everyone else, it is Garland and since the real one isn''t coming back any time soon, you should get used to it,¡± Maelor said. ¡°The people have very little hope and a lot of it is tied in folk heroes like him. They''ll need that hope more than ever now that the Dark Undermasters are effectively destroyed.¡±

    That was a gut punch as a longstanding fan of the books as well as someone doing the basic math that a world that was being overrun with demons no longer having any demon hunters was probably in serious trouble. ¡°Yeah, it''s like Luke''s Jedi Order being destroyed. All the effort to rebuild it by Garland has gone poof.¡±

    ¡°The sequels don''t count,¡± Jon explained. ¡°We only count the original movies and, I never thought I''d say this, the prequels. Only because the Clone Wars cartoons were awesome. George Lucas'' stuff counts and maybe the Thrawn Trilogy.¡±

    ¡°Uh¡ª¡±

    ¡°So why do you hate Pwiffle?¡± Jon asked, switching subjects rapidly. ¡°Enquiring ravens want to know.¡±

    I sighed, realizing I wasn''t going to get out of this. ¡°Fine, I don''t like to talk about it but if I''m cornered, I''m cornered. I had a Pwiffle problem.¡±

    ¡°A Pwiffle problem?¡± Jon asked.

    This was so embarrassing. I raised my voice and glared at both individuals interrogating me. ¡°I was an addict, okay? About three years ago, I started getting into the card game. Like really-really into it. I found out I had an employee discount at Epic DungoneeringTM''s online store. Soon, I was card hunting and sneaking time to do online games. My relationship with Nightchilde suffered and I was doing online bids that I couldn¡¯t really afford. I wasted three months of my life trying to get a Witch Queen of Angho''horak nude and not because I was a pervert but because she gave a redraw upon defeat perk until they errated it out.¡±

    ¡°Uh huh,¡± Jon said, acting like he hadn''t spent our entire relationship talking about how important the game was to him in this universe.

    ¡°What happened?¡± Maelor asked, sounding surprisingly interested.

    I pinched the bridge of my nose. ¡°I must have blown like $10,000 on my card game habit and that wasn''t money I could afford as a suffering office drone. Finally, Arwen and my cousin, Alek, intervened when I started hitting my parents up for rare card money. Money that should have gone to my rent. They got me some online therapy and to go cold turkey. I ended up donating my entire collection to my nephew.¡±

    ¡°Wow,¡± Jon said. ¡°I did not see that part of your past coming.¡±

    I frowned. ¡°Little Georgie traded them all for Pokemon cards. Oh, and a month''s supply of green tea Kit-Kats.¡±

    ¡°Fascinating and tragic,¡± Maelor said, putting one palm against the side of his face. ¡°Now we have to play a game of Pwiffle.¡±

    ¡°Like hell we do,¡± I said.

    SIDEQUEST(S) ADDED:

    PLAY GAME OF PWIFFLE (0/1)

    REWARDS: 200 EXP, Pwiffle Card (Garland)

    I growled, literally growled, at my bracelet. ¡°It''s a side quest. It''s optional.¡±

    ¡°You need the experience, dude,¡± Jon said, showing no sympathy whatsoever to my tragic backstory. ¡°We''re almost to level 3.¡±

    ¡°I also revealed vital details about Veles to you,¡± Maelor said, pointing at me in a thoroughly modern gesture. ¡°In the words of the Wise Man, you owe me.¡±

    I wasn''t sure that was something Weis had ever said but the old urge was still waiting there, hungry for colorful pictures and numbers. ¡°Fine, one game. You''ll have to provide the deck.¡±

    ¡°Of course.¡±

    This was a terrible idea.

    To continue the story, check out Lords of Dragon Keep on Amazon

 Lexicon

    A Court of Devils: The first Dark Undermaster book by Larry C.C. Weis, published in the late Eighties. It follows Garland growing up as part of the Rose family before their betrayal by the Poppys and the death of Lord Rose as well as the family''s scattering.

    Akoa: The former capital city of Ledziania and where the Old King used to hold his court. It is presently under the dominion of the Mad Queen.

    Alchemist Stone: The most common form of alchemy aside from potions. You swallow a stone, and it provides magical effects for as long as it remains undigested.

    Alignment: A sign of whether you are allied with White, Grey, or Black magical forces. Contrary to expectation, these don''t precisely line to Good/Neutral/Evil. White is inherently lawful and self-righteous while Black is chaotic as well as vengeful. Grey is prone to empathy and balance.

    Arcane Fire: A magical effect of where a wizard summons raw mystical force to use against enemies. It is almost useless against other wizards who tend to just absorb the energy but highly damaging to other beings.

    Baba Yaga: The legendary crone and monster of Slavic mythology. She is the daughter of Veles and Mat Zemlya in the Dark Undermaster universe. She is the goddess of witchcraft and mother of the hag as well as ogre races. Her hideousness is possibly a curse from her father or mother or both. She alone is free of the Old Gods from Veles influence, ironically.

    Bald Mountain: The headquarters of Veles and where his grand temple is located. It is the pilgrimage site of all evil witches once per year on the Fall Equinox. It is also where the Scholomance is located. It is in the Death Mountains and protected by a magical barrier that no one of good heart can pierce.

    The Bastard Knight: Jorg von Piast-Jagiellon, the illegitimate son of the Old King and leader of the Mad Queen''s forces. He has supposedly killed six dragons, a dozen Dark Undermasters, and a demigod.

    Belobog: Chernabog''s brother and the god of good fortune. He was corrupted by Veles and is now the guardian of the Elemental Temple of Fire.

    Bia?owie?a Forest: An immense forest bordering Poland and Belarus. Supposedly, the country of Ledziania exists somewhere within its borders. The forest is the only place on Earth where you can follow paths to Mokosh.

    The Black Cat: Maelor''s extremely opulent brothel, casino, and tavern. It is far too nice for Crossroad.

    The Black Rose: The nickname of the legendary Dark Undermaster, Garland of Nowhere.

    Chernabog: Belobog''s brother, the god of ill fortune and "The Black God." He was corrupted by Veles and is now the guardian of the Elemental Temple of Earth.

    Crossroad: The long-suffering village built around Dragon Keep. It is a farming community that is on the verge of becoming a small city if it can just avoid being invaded by the undead.

    Cyber Dragons 2080: A non-fantasy game produced by Epic DungoneeringTM. It was a bug ridden mess set in a post-apocalypse cyberpunk future.

    Dark Undermasters: An organization of monster hunters and knights established by Triglav and Mokosh during the Great Darkness to battle the Chaos Gods in 900 AD. They have a writ from the Ledzianian king allowing them to use dark magic and whatever means necessary to protect humanity.

    The Dark Undermaster Saga: The incredibly successful fantasy franchise by Larry C.C. Weiss. It has sold over a hundred million copies and been adapted across multiple mediums. It is generally viewed as painfully derivative of other popular franchises, even though it was technically written first.

    The Dark Undermaster (Games): A series of three games that adapt the first three books of the Dark Undermaster Saga: A Court of Devils, Dead Gods, and Princes of Sorrow. The fourth book, Lords of Dragon Keep, has been delayed for almost ten years. This has infuriated the video game developers.

    The Dark Undermaster (Series): A five season television series on the FANT channel that heavily involved nudity, sex, and adding more grimdark. It is wildly considered to have gone down in quality once they passed Weis'' books.

    Dead Gods: The second book of the Dark Undermaster Saga dealing with Garland''s career as a monster-hunter, Ania learning to be an assassin, and Agata trying to survive in Akoa''s courts. It also deals with the mythology of Perun''s death at Veles'' hands.

    Death Lords: Totally not liches.

    Death Mountains: A massive barrier between Ledziania and the Turqish Wastes brought about via a death battle between Perun and Velen in the late 1980s. It is populated by the undead, goblins, and cultists now.

    Dragon Keep: An ancient castle established by the Rose family back when they were a legendary clan of dragon tamers. After their betrayal by the Mad Queen and Poppy Family, it was given to the Dark Undermasters to be their new headquarters.

    Dragon Queen: The nickname of Celestyne von Piast-Jagiellon, who was cursed by her sister into becoming a dragon. She had that curse (mostly) broken by Garland of Nowhere and now seeks to reclaim her throne while promising populist reforms for the world''s nonhumans.

    Dwarves: One of the five great races of Mokosh. They are the children of Svavorg and live underground. Oddly, they''re more stout than short. The ones who live on the surface primarily handle banking and financial jobs in addition to skilled labor.

    Eldritch Ring: Another video game produced by Epic DungoneeeringTM that is a Soulslike. It incorporates some of the crazier elements of Weis'' mythology played down by the books. The goal of the game is to kill Veles and ascend to become Perun''s replacement.

    The Eldritch Tree: A sacred tree to Mokosh and Perun both where they supposedly copulated for the first time. It is a mile tall and one of the greatest sources of magic in the world. It is also connected to the Earth and Poland. The Rus worship it as Ysgardril.

    Elves: One of the five great races. Elves have eternal youth until they reach 120 and promptly drop dead. They are the Children of Mokosh and live anarchic nature-loving lives with communal romances as well as hedonistic behavior. They are also all ruthless killers.

    Elemental Temples: Four temples devoted to Mokosh that channel immense amounts of magical might into the natural world and keep it in balance. They also allow magical creatures to live and sorcery to function. They are all considered Grand Temples of Mokosh.

    The Emperor: Constantine the Black is the revered demigod figure of the Empire who, in actuality, is a prisoner of the constant in-fighting of the Senate and Church of Mythras. He also struggles to avoid being a puppet of the Lord Centurions. His wars of conquest against the East are built around occupying his political enemies with foreign quarrels. Veles serves as his court astrologer but makes the infighting less severe.

    The Empire: Also known as the Eastern Empire and Holy Mythran Empire, it was settled by the so-called "Lost Legion" of Rome in 120 AD. It has a Senate, Emperor, and established religion ruled by the Holy Father. The Empire has entered a conservative period with women''s rights and religious freedoms being severely curtailed as it seeks to expand eastward. Its symbol is the bull, and its god is Mythras.

    Epic DungeoneeringTM: The world''s largest video game manufacturer despite its relative lack of product due to buying up many smaller studios with their seemingly unlimited amounts of money. They also have a surprising number of deals with arms manufacturing, lumber, and other satellite companies.

    Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

    Garland of Nowhere: AKA The Black Rose. The bastard son of Perun and Lilandra Rose, born shortly before the god''s death. He was a legendary swordsman, womanizer, gambler, and sorcerer who achieved countless great deeds as a Dark Undermaster. Unfortunately, these caused him to suffer severe untreated PTSD and when he was betrayed by his fellow Undermasters, he opted against resurrection.

    Five Great Races: Humans, Dwarves, Goblins, Ratkin, and Elves are the most common species encountered in Mokosh.

    Goblins: A tribal race of green and olive-skinned humanoids. Contrary to their reputation as ruthless monsters, they are quite honorable, clannish, and serve Veles only because he is their creator.

    Gods: A race of beings that came from the Primordial Chaos and brought order to the universe. Many of the ones worshiped on Earth are real, but not all, and a lot of what people know about them is nonsense. They can draw on faith and prayers for sustenance, but it is not the sole source of their power.

    Grand Temple: The highest temple that any god has and the base of their religion. The Elemental Temples of Mokosh have been occupied by the Old Gods.

    Great Darkness(es): The wars of against the Twisted. The last one was supernatural invasion of Mokosh in 1939 by a Waffen-SS battalion after the Twisted were freed by the Black Sun cult. (Lt) Colonel Helmuth Krieger recruited a rebellious Empire general and unleashed the Scarlet Death to aid his efforts. Perun and Veles put aside their animosity to fight it back. It and events on Earth caused Veles to believe all life had to be purged (so it could be ruled by him safely post-mortem).

    Great Forest: The home nation of the elves. It''s a forest with a lot of tree cities in it.

    Hags: The female descendants of Baba Yaga. Ogres are the male ones.

    High Grecian Empire: The once grand democratic state that has since fallen into disrepair, disunity, and casual corruption. The High Grecian Empire is a vassal state of the Empire but has mostly kept its autonomy. They worship the Olympians but combine the Ledzianian gods with their own.

    Kalizov: The largest and richest city in Ledziania as well as the biggest supporter of the Dragon Queen.

    Knights of Veles: Knights sworn to the God of Evil who are infused with the power of undeath without being undead themselves.

    Ledziania: The former nation compromising all the Southern Kingdoms and "Fantasy Poland." It has been divided since the death of the Old King and is presently caught in the middle of a civil war, invasion by the Empire, and uprising of the dead.

    Lesser Ledziania: The "heartland" of Ledziania that Crossroad is in and the most contested spot of the Southern Kingdoms. It is a breadbasket that has been fought over ruthlessly.

    Lord Centurions: A not-so-secret society of high-ranking aristocrats and officers that wield vast authority in the Empire. They are trained in both magic as well as warfare. They are known for their ostentatious golden armor.

    Lords of Dragon Keep: The fourth book of the Dark Undermaster Saga that fans have been waiting on for decades.

    Mad Queen: Apollonia von Piast-Jagiellon, the twin sister of Celestyne. The most accomplished sorceress of her age, she is strongly disliked for allying with the Empire. Her son, Cesare, is believed to be the son of the Emperor, but possibly the son of Veles. Is not at all mad, just a bit testy.

    Magyar: A now defunct kingdom formerly bordering Ledziania that were its historical rivals. The Hellmaster dynasty turned to black magic and Veles worship before being overthrown by the populace. The Empire proceeded to invade but the Magyar negotiated a surrender deal that kept most of their culture and autonomy.

    Mal''bork: A land of rivers, fords, and trade between Ledzianians. It has tried, unsuccessfully, to remain neutral.

    Mana: Raw magic stuff. The energy that powers sorcery.

    Mark of the Champion: Magical bracelets made from river gold infused with the essence of Perun. The Wise Man was able to manufacture fifteen of them in total. For whatever bizarre reason, they primarily give a person abilities equivalent to Dungeons and Dragons-esque leveling. This includes rapid advancement in personal power and durability.

    Mat Zemalya: Both the planet Earth and its mother goddess. She is the twin of Mokosh and the two are linked via Ledziania. Reckless abuse by her many children gods resulted in magic becoming scarce and most being either killed or forced into slumber. She appears as a seven-headed dragon and is the ¡°mean Gaia¡± of Greek and Babylonian mythology.

    Mokosh: The sister planet and goddess to Earth where magic remains abundant. It has so far only shown to have one continent. It is far less technologically advanced than Earth but more advanced in science (via magic) than it appears.

    Mythas: The Sun God of the mostly monotheistic faith of the Empire. He is a warrior and protector of the innocent. In practice, his church has fallen into corruption with heavy elements of misogyny and racism against nonhumans. Mythras, himself, has largely abandoned the religion and only patronizes good-hearted warriors. He is a jealous god, though.

    Old King: Frederick von Piast-Jagiellon, the grandfather of the Mad Queen and Dragon Queen. He outlived all his sons and left the kingdom divided due to his policy of playing noble houses against one another. He spent his final years obsessed with prophecies about the end of the world.

    Old Gods: The name for the Ledzianian Gods before Mythras attempted to push his way in.

    Perun: The sky god of the Ledzianian pantheon, creator of humanity, and god of good. He is the protector of mankind and very-very dead. Looks a great deal like Dolph Lundgren''s He-Man and has the personality of Marvel''s Thor except hornier. He expended most of his power destroying the Twisted summoned by Nazis from Earth and was defeated by his brother in a death fight decades later. Mythras, defying stereotype, answers quite a few of Perun''s priests'' prayers in honor of the sky god''s sacrifice.

    Poznan: One of the oldest settlements in Ledziania and presently occupied by the Empire. Its citizens are on the verge of open revolt as they refuse to convert to the New God or impose the Empire''s social laws.

    The Princes of Sorrow: The third Dark Undermaster novel following the romance between Garland and Celestyne, Ania losing her lover to the Bastard Knight, and Agata''s torment as the bride of Radu the Impaler. Apollonia invites the Empire to occupy Ledziania once she begins losing the war with her sister.

    Pwiffle: A card game created by the Wise Man and the favorite of the gods after a board game from Earth involving dungeons.

    Ratkin: A race created by Veles as cannon fodder and slaves for his goblins that was later given gifts by Svavog out of pity. They are still ill-treated by many other races.

    Runes: Writing infused with magic. It is how magical items are created, generally.

    Rus Kingdoms: Danish raiders had a history of getting transported to Mokosh due to their gods, the Aesir, hoping they''d conquer the place. Instead, they interbred with some of the Slavic folk to create the Rus kingdoms. They are a constantly feuding set of principalities and jarldoms that regularly try to invade Ledziania and Magyar. They occupy the North of the Southern Kingdoms, peculiar as that may be and still worship the Aesir but acknowledge the Ledzianian gods as real.

    Sisters of Mokosh: A religious order of female sorceresses and priestesses who preach a philosophy of nature worship. Because of teaching sexual freedom and the equality of women, it is considered heresy by women.

    Southern Kingdoms: The former state of Ledziania that has been broken up into smaller states after the death of the Old King. Confusingly, the Southern Kingdoms is also the name of the entire continent that once had another continent above it in ancient times. No one has any idea what happened to that.

    Strigoi: The local name for vampires that come in greater and lesser varieties. The greater vampires, known as nobles, are intelligent conversational undead. The lesser vampires are feral zombie-like monsters.

    Svarog: One of the three creator gods of Ledziania, he is the god of blacksmiths and creation. He has absolutely no time for any of his brothers'' shit and is worshiped by dwarves as well as ratkin. He is the creator of both Mat Zemlya and Mokosh. Looks like John Rhys Davis with Arnold Schwarzenegger''s body.

    The Thirteen: Veles'' death lord lieutenants and generals.

    Triglav: The Divine Voltron. Triglav is a combination of Perun, Svarog, and Veles as well as an overgod AKA the most powerful beings even among the gods. The three can''t combine without Perun and are now greatly weakened.

    Turqish Wastes: Once known as the Turqish Empire, it was almost destroyed in a horrifying series of natural disasters following the battle of Perun with Veles. The remaining city states are still rebuilding but are more interested in trade than conquest. They are the only power that uses gunpowder, but this means less with magic. They worship Ahura Mazda and Mythras but reject the Empire as blasphemers.

    The Twisted Gods: Beings that are even worse than Veles and defeated by the creator gods at the start of creation. They''re a little Lovecraft, a little Clive Barker, and a little "Oh my god, what the hell is that thing?" Veles works to keep them in the Underworld''s Pit. They are also known as the Ungods, the Neverwere, the Curseborn and several other epitaphs.

    Underworld: Veles'' domain and where all mortals go when they die. Strangely, he''s quite fair and the only mortals who go unpunished for their crimes are his followers but even they don''t go to the same place as heroes or the innocent.

    Veles: The God of the Underworld, Death, Evil, and Wealth. Veles is a malevolent but congenial god that has decided that mortals must go. As a creator deity, he is one of the most powerful beings in the universe but limited by the fact he''s stronger than almost all other gods individually but not all of them together. He looks like Peter Stormare from Bad Boys dressed as a Sith Lord.

    Vukodlak: The local name for werewolves. They turn humans into huge hairy individuals even when not undead.

    Westerlands: The lands beyond the Empire.

    Zoryas: Twin goddesses who are the gods of Dawn and Night. They are lovers with both their brothers as well as each other. It is believed Mokosh can combine with to form her own entity capable of standing against Veles.

    Zmei: The local name for dragons.

 Book 2 - Guardians of Dragon Keep (cover and blurb)

    BLURB FOR BOOK 2:

    "So, what you''re saying is the Dragon Queen is dead."

    "No, what I''m saying is the Dragon Queen is dead and there''s an imposter carrying on in her place. Possibly someone you know. Your girlfriend''s ex is back from the dead. Your brother is evil. A dead god is trying to take over your body. We''re running out of time until it becomes impossible to save the world. Also, I''m pretty sure the giant blind redheaded swordswoman chick wants to bang you to death."

    "So, normal Tuesday."

    Aragorn "Aaron" Bartkowski and his merry band of miscreants are back! Having successfully slain the demon god Chernabog, they''ve managed to buy a little more time for the planet Mokosh. However, a hero''s work is never done, especially when a hero is underleveled and with low WIS. From a mission to a haunted vampire-filled castle to rescue the little girl Pope to the deeps of elven territory to the heart of Ledziania''s civil war, Aaron must now engage with the complicated politic underlying the dark fantasy setting he''s found himself in. It''s win or die when playing the games of kings and queens, though, and our hero is absolutely terrible at them.

    Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

    GUARDIANS OF DRAGON KEEP is the second volume of the Dark Undermaster Saga, a humorous send up of dark fantasy like Game of Thrones, The Witcher, and Dark Souls. It is a progression fantasy LitRPG that follows the adventures of video game computer programmer, Aaron Bartkowski as he is hurled bodily into the world of his favorite author, Larry C.C. Weis. Unfortunately, Weis turns out to have been much better at stealing from other, better, authors than he was in giving his heroes a break.

 Book Two - Chapter One - Assault on Castle Bloodmoon

    So, we were fighting a bunch of feral lesser vampires in the middle of a haunted castle to rescue the Pope. Well, a Pope. Each religion had their own high priest. Julius Caesar had been Pontiff Maximus and head of Poseidon¡¯s religion.

    "Die monster! You don''t belong in this world!" I shouted, quoting Richter Belmont as I swung around a glowing energy whip that was composed of pure sunlight. Sunlight didn''t hurt greater vampires AKA vampire nobles, but it caused the feral cannibalistic creatures in front of us to burn up like flash paper wherever I struck them.

    Lesser vampires were basically somewhere between zombie and the cultured Dracula types that I''d met during my time in the Southern Kingdoms. Lesser vampires were stronger, faster, and possessed of a savage feral cunning but could barely string two words together if they hadn''t torn someone to shreds that night. More 30 Days of Night than Twilight.

    This group was a particularly repellent group dressed in rotting peasant clothes that stank of their previous victims. Their bodies were covered in crusted over gore and worse. Lesser vampires didn''t change their clothes and when you disembowel someone, there''s an emphasis on bowels. I''m running the risk of violating user terms for graphic violence but that''s what they were wearing.

    Yuck.

    There were dozens of these things in Castle Bloodmoon (yes, I know it sounds ridiculous, I didn''t name the castle). Currently, we were facing five. There were also skeletons, ghosts, regular zombies, iron golems, living suits of armor, and all the various other horrific shit that would have torn us apart if we had bothered to stay to fight rather than carried out a running retreat through the castle. Well it would technically be a running charge since we were going deeper into enemy lines. It was, by and large, a very stupid plan.

    Of course, I was the one who''d come up with it.

    My name was Aragorn "Aaron" Bartkowski, and a month ago I''d been just another corporate wage slave at Epic DungeoneeringTM''s Michigan branch. Today, I was dressed in a set of leather armor with gold pauldrons on my shoulders. A pair of scimitars were at my side, glowing with magic that hungered for the blood of the undead creatures around me. I hesitated to draw them, though, because they were possessed of their own malign intelligence.

    Battling the lesser vampires alongside me was my found family/adventuring party: Ania Rose the Assassin, Agata Rose the Priestess of Mokosh, Kragen Bloodstorm the half-vampire half-ogre berserker, and Sparky the Dragon. We were an eclectic bunch but the only possible salvation the Southern Kingdoms had left. There was also Jon the Falcon, previously Jon the Raven. Long story. Yeah, I was pretty sure the Southern Kingdoms were doomed.

    "Aaron, look out!" Jon shouted, flying in circles above my head.

    Jon''s warning came just in time because coming out from a nearby hallway passage was a goddamn mummy, bandages and everything, that raked its fingertips against the side of my face. The agonizing pain of my skin bursting into boils was summarized by my bracelet''s cold statistical analysis.

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED 15 POINTS OF DAMAGE, YOU ARE NOW SUFFERING DEATHROT SICKNESS.

    "Oh, come on!" Jon shouted, tearing at the mummy''s face with its claws. "Mummies aren''t Gothic! Why the hell are they in Fantasy Poland?"

    "Move, milord!" Sparky said, the pony-sized red dragon growling at the figure before me.

    ¡°Not a lord!¡± I shouted back, already planning to move since 15 points of damage was nothing to sneeze at even with all the leveling up we''d managed to do.  Having death rot sickness was also bad.

    I rolled out of the way with my boots of speed that allowed me to avoid the crap follow-up attacks that were infamous for stun-locking protagonists in the Bloodmoon video game. Yeah, we were in a live-action version of that game now.

    Jon flew out of the way of the mummy''s follow up attack against him, only for the creature to be struck by Sparky''s flame. The creature screamed as it became a (un)living pyre and proceeded to disintegrate before our eyes.

    "Technically, you are a lord!" Agata said. "Very technically!"

    The five lesser vampires recoiled and drew back from the burning mummy even as that gave Bloodstorm a chance to swing around his maul in a blow that decapitated one of the monsters. The vampire exploded into ash the same way the vampires did on the old Buffy the Vampire TV show, a bit of cartoonish special effects that almost distracted from the fact our lives were on the line.

    "Agata, take the whip!" I shouted, tossing it to her. It would have been a complete dud and landed immediately on the ground if not for the fact that I gave it a boost with a telekinesis spell.

    Agata was a beautiful raven-haired woman with pale skin and wore a blue robe that was covered in stars. It was incredibly impractical looking for combat, showing generous amounts of cleavage and emphasizing her figure, but she seemed to move in it like it was sports attire. In her left hand, she was carrying a Staff of Mokosh that marked her as a priestess of that god.

    You might wonder why I tossed Agata, a woman who was a sorceress who worked as either magical artillery or our resident medic, a glowing whip made of light. The reason being that it was like my swords and a sorcerer''s weapon. Unlike most magical weapons that were the same no matter the user, sorcerer''s weapons were designed to function better the more intelligent you were. I wasn''t sure how anyone had come up with this idea outside of a video game, but it meant it scaled well for me and Agata both.

    Agata caught the whip with her own telekinesis and pulled it around with much more skill than I possessed to strike a lesser vampire in the throat before they fell upon me. It didn''t kill the monster but sure as hell wasn''t good for it. The lesser vampires were incredibly fast and didn''t have the rot or decay that other members of their genus suffered to slow them down.

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED 2 HP LOSS DUE TO DEATHROT

    Yeah, that was going to be a problem as I could feel the rot spreading across my face and down my neck toward the rest of my body. Deathrot was one of the nastier status afflictions that could be found in the Southern Kingdoms and basically worked like a fast-acting poison that eventually reanimated you as one of the undead. We''d encountered an entire village destroyed by the stuff on our way here. There was no cure other than fire or magic. Thankfully, we had magic.

    Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

    Pulling out my sword scimitars from their sheathes, both inscribed with holy runes as well as blessings of Mokosh, I was immediately blasted with feelings of intense anger as well as hunger. Words blasted in the back of my head as the swords projected out their desires.

    BLOOD

    MURDER

    FEED ME

    FEED ME

    "Sure man, whatever you say," I said, not happy I was having to deal with semi-sentient swords of darkness. I''d named the swords Audrey and Audrey Junior after the characters from Little Shop of Horrors. Which may have been a mistake since I wasn''t really sure the swords were separate entities or just fragments of the recently destroyed Chernabog.

    Either way, I took the two blades and stabbed them into the chest of the nearest lesser vampire. The creature, which still dressed like a farmer, hissed in my face before the two swords glowed blood red and his body crumbled into ashes around the blades.

    YOU HAVE RECOVERED 10 HP, YOU HAVE RECOVERED FROM DEATHROT SICKNESS

    The remaining three lesser vampires seemed to understand the tide of the battle had turned against them, most of them already having suffered multiple injuries from the fight that were conspicuously not healing. They looked for a place to retreat but none existed. Their numbers reduced from three to two a few seconds later when Ania fired a light arrow through the forehead of another. Ania''s magical bow, Lightbringer, was just as effective against the undead as the whip of light.

    Agata whipped the remaining two with one strike, calling down a holy blessing of Mokosh on the whip to increase its power and they both caught fire before disintegrating into ashes on the ground. It was a victory but a hard fought one when we were trying to avoid getting in fights and I could already hear more of the monsters inhabiting Castle Bloodmoon coming our way.

    Castle Bloodmoon was a more well-appointed version of Castle Dracula with hundreds of rooms full of monsters, beautiful furniture, and a dark ambiance that would have made your typical centuries-old Romanian warlord proud. It was the castle of Radu the Impaler (formerly Radu the Magnificent) and our attempts to be stealthily had utterly failed.

    REWARD

    + 2500 EXP (Lesser Vampires)

    + 2500 EXP (Lesser Mummy)

    + 5 Collars of vampiric domination

    + 2 Potions of blood healing

    + 1 Gemstone (50 GP value)

    "I can''t believe you used to live here," Ania muttered, taking a brief moment to catch her breath.

    Ania was a beautiful redheaded woman in her early thirties that was, for all intents and purposes, a ninja. Elves had trained her in the ways of the Dark Moon sisterhood, which believed the best way to win a fight was to kill your opponent without them ever being aware of it. Right now she was dressed in some anachronistic form-fitting body armor that made her look like she''d stepped out of Metal Gear Solid. There was even a set of night vision goggles hanging around her neck. It contrasted strongly with her katana, wakizashi, and mystical bow.

    "Radu was still pretending to be his own descendant when we were married," Agata said, disgusted. "All of the upper levels were as you see them, fully functional, but the monsters were kept in the dungeons below."

    The marriage of Agata and Radu the Impaler was one of the most harrowing and terrifying parts of the last Dark Undermaster novel before Lords of Dragon Keep, The Princes of Sorrow. So much so that the television show had received numerous complaints about it when it had aired.

    Radu had been a young princeling sold off to the Turqish Empire when he''d been a young man and had suffered severe abuse at his captors¡¯ hands. Whether that had triggered something inside him, or he''d always had bad wiring, Radu responded by becoming a serial killer and warlord infamous for his brutality. Ironically, this had made him a national hero in his homeland, and it had only been falling in love with his brother''s wife that had turned the public against him.

    Swearing himself to Veles to win her over, he''d transformed into a vampire, and he''d committed fratricide followed by attempting to turn her into his unwilling bride. Said girl, Elizabeta, had chosen suicide over transformation. As such, Radu and his homeland had been cursed with Castle Bloodmoon continuously being abandoned then reclaimed by people with more greed than sense.

    "Yeah, well, they''re on the loose now," Bloodstorm muttered. "I know we managed to take on one of the death lords and later slew a god but both of those were by the skin of our canines. I think it might have been better to level up some more before we went after the only vampire noble stronger than my father."

    Bloodstorm was the son of Maelor the Black, the most powerful of all elven vampires and a former adventurer turned brothel owner. He was also the son of Baba Yaga and raised by a bunch of Rus Vikings as a changeling. You know, normal stuff for a fantasy hero. He looked like Idris Elba if the guy put on a hundred extra pounds of muscle, dressed for a part in Conan the Barbarian, and had two bull horns sticking out of his head. Jon had mentioned that actual Vikings didn''t have the horny helmets, but Bloodstorm certainly did.

    "How far are we to the throne room?" I asked, hearing another set of monsters already heading up the stairs after us. Unfortunately, I''d already used my WEB spell to hold back the last batch of horrible creatures chasing us. They''d been a bunch of car-sized eight-fingered hands severed from the wrists of giants.

    "We''re almost there," Agata said, looking down one of the halls. "We just defeated Radu''s hunting hounds."

    "His hunting..." I trailed off and remembered the collars listed in our reward. "Right. What was the mummy about?"

    "I have no idea. That one is new." Agata headed back to the way we came and pulled a candlestick holder built into the wall. It dropped a portcullis that would hopefully keep the next set of horrifying creatures from reaching us.

    "Will that hold?" Ania asked.

    "Radu modified his family castle to contain countless traps and killing zones for his games," Agata said. "He was also more afraid of peasants coming to stake and behead him during the day than he was of foreign invasion. I learned enough of them to use them against our foes here."

    "Why are we not going after him during the day?" Ania asked the obvious question.

    "Vampire nobles aren''t killed by sunlight," Bloodstorm said. "They are pretty cranky during it, though."

    "We were herded here," I muttered. "He wants us to confront him."

    It had been a running fight since daybreak, and it was now close to midnight. If not for REFRESH spells and the potions of spell restoration we''d been given, I suspected we would already have been killed off. Radu had the plan to exhaust us of our magic and hope before killing us.

    I wasn''t going to let that happen.

    "That is his mistake," Agata said. "Radu tested me when we first got married by leaving for weeks at a time while asking me not to explore the downstairs. He left an enchanted key to open the door. He wanted me to open the door, see the horrors below, and justify his murder of me like all his other wives."

    That was blatantly from the legend of Bluebeard from French folklore. I had to wonder if Radu had inspired it or vice versa. That was a weird element about the Southern Kingdoms, there were a lot of seeming fairy tale-inspired "adventures" and no one seemed to question them whether involving boggarts trying to make pacts for babies or wicked queens cursing girls on their birthdays.

    "Did you live down to the stereotype of feminine curiosity?" Jon asked, once more showing he had no sense of tact.

    "Hell no," Agata said, frowning. "I already knew he was a monster and spent the entire time plotting my escape. Now I''m plotting my revenge."

    That was when a little girl screamed, her voice coming from someone no older than fourteen.

    "It''s the pope!" Sparky shouted, sticking out his tail. "We have to save her."

    Okay, maybe this needs a bit of explaining.

 Book Two - Chapter Two - So Youve Killed a God

    It all started about a week ago back at the Earth Grand Temple of Mokosh which was located on top of the mile-tall Eldritch Tree. Chernabog, one of the four Old Gods serving Veles, was dead. Despite being massively under-leveled and under-equipped for the fight, we''d managed to slay the Balrog-sized beastie as well as reignite the sacred flame that he''d extinguished. Even better, at least from my perspective, we''d managed to kill Valentin Velesson. The fallen champion of Larry C.C. Weis had hounded me since my arrival in the Southern Kingdoms and his death was a relief.

    Reigniting the sacred flame had done more than just cut Veles off from the magical power he''d been stealing from the Earthmother, though. Mokosh was a big fan of epic magical curses on the people who defiled her sacred places, and she turned all the various Veles-aligned forces occupying her temple into trees. It was a bit like the ending of The Avengers where all the Chitauri dropped over dead after their mother ship was destroyed, except more eco-friendly. Even the loggers working for Epic DungeoneeringTM had been punished with planification.

    Do not mess with Mother Nature.

    If it sounds like I''m skipping past some vital information, understand I wasn''t conscious for most of this. I had to hear it after the fact. Having been running on adrenaline and literal magic for two weeks, I ended up sleeping for about three days after our glorious victory. I''d also survived falling thirty feet off a flying demon steed only because someone had thought to give me one of Valentin''s stolen Marks of the Champion. The one he''d been wearing. I''d absorbed enough divine essence from it that I was apparently a demigod now (whatever that meant). But it was just another reason that I needed a bit of time to get my crap together.

    Presently, I was dressing in a set of linen pants and baggy white shirt in Valentin''s former quarters. The room was in a stone tower at the top of the Eldritch Tree and had a view of an enormous water wheel. Said water wheel managed the flow of a resevoir that somehow existed up here alongside a stone city built by ancient elves. It was a helluva view and one I couldn''t help but think had been wasted on Valentin.

    I''d cleared out all the taxidermy stuffed animals, monsters, and people as well as hoard of magical weapons he''d accumulated. Seriously, the place had looked like a Middle Earth Great White Hunter''s place crossed with a serial killer''s. It was now mostly empty save for a king-sized bed, television, and hot tub. There was also a perch I''d gotten for John to rest on.

    "I''m telling you, man, you missed a helluva party," Jon said, speaking to me as I stretched. "These sex witches work hard and play hard."

    Jon was referring to the Sisters of Mokosh that we managed to free from the temple''s dungeons before taking down Chernabog. Mokosh, in addition to being the goddess of nature, was also a goddess of love and her priestesses were sworn to the opposite of celibacy. Lustibacy? I didn''t know what the name for it was. Sex played a big role in their religion, and I''d received quite a few offers to help them renew their magic.

    "Mmm hmm," I said, stretching. "I''m sure you got to see some interesting things."

    "See things?" Jon asked. "Pfft. They were able to temporarily transform me back into a human. I got to finally--"

    "I don''t care, dude, really," I said, turning back to him. "I''m happy for you but I really don''t want to hear about your sexcapades."

    "Things not working out well with Ania?" Jon asked, tipping his head to one side.

    I paused a moment to contemplate how to answer that. "I''m not sure."

    "That''s usually code for bad," Jon said.

    "No, it''s nothing like that," I said, putting on my jacket vest. "I love spending time with her during the day, even if she keeps things professional--"

    Okay, that was just the past few days since I¡¯d awoken from my not-quite-a-coma but that still counted as time together.

    "Which is bad," Jon said.

    "And then at night comes to my bed and we go at it like wildcats," I said, looking back at the bed.

    "Okay..." Jon asked, clearly not expecting that. "How did I miss this?"

    "I presume because you were enjoying the party," I said, pausing. "In any case, I wasn''t going to let you in while we were occupied."

    "Oh, really?" Jon asked.

    I narrowed my eyes. "No, we''re not going to let you watch."

    "Hey, she could be into--"

    "No," I said, simply. "Just no."

    Jon stuck his beak in the air before shaking his head. "So, what''s the problem? It sounds like you two are doing fine."

    "She sneaks out before the morning and pretends nothing is going on," I said, annoyed. "I''m getting some seriously mixed signals here."

    "She''s enjoying sex, with you for some reason," Jon said, looking at me. "I''m not sure what''s unclear."

    I paused, thinking about the first time that we''d been together where she''d made it abundantly clear that she didn''t want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. That hadn''t changed, obviously, but I''d hoped she might soften often time. "I guess I was hoping she''d had a breakthrough when I almost died."

    "She''s glad you''re not dead," Jon said. "That doesn''t magically make her want to buy a house."

    "We already live together," I said, pointing out we both had rooms in Dragon Keep.

    "That''s a castle, that doesn''t count," Jon said. "Also, may I suggest that most men wouldn''t be complaining about being in a ¡®friends with benefits¡¯ relationship, especially when the other party is a redheaded ninja."

    "My hair is kastanowy," Ania said, walking into my room without even knocking. "That''s not even red."

    Ania looked like someone who''d stepped out of a tactical simulation game in her current attire rather than someone from the Middle Ages. She was presently wearing the Paladin of Mokosh Set that I''d managed to receive as a reward for rescuing a bunch of her priestesses. While vanity was a poor reason to discard excellent armor, the stuff made me look like Joel Schumacher''s Batman when I wore it, and I preferred something significantly less tight around the crouch. It looked fantastic on Ania even if she seemed like she was planning to star in the next Perfect Dark game.

    A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

    "Kastanowy just means maroon and your hair is absolutely not that," I said, looking at her red-gold locks.

    Ania looked to one side as if to stare at her locks. "It used to be darker."

    I didn''t point out her hair was starting to look more like Mokosh''s, the goddess not the planet. I''d had an intimate encounter with her during my short time at her temple and gained her favor. The Paladin of Mokosh Set included Charisma and Comeliness bonuses that were affecting her, even though I didn''t think they were necessary. Jon speculated, along with a lot of Dark Undermaster book fans, that Ania was Mokosh''s daughter but that was a sore subject with the assassin.

    "Maybe you should try henna," Jon replied.

    "My hair doesn''t take dye," Ania muttered, blowing away one of her locks that were now longer and curlier. It instantly moved back into place.

    Ania glared.

    "You''re stuck looking like a shampoo commercial when you''re in that armor, at least from the neck up," Jon said. "Sorry."

    From the neck down, she looked like she was modeling for military fetish wear. Not that I''d ever looked that up. I mean, there were some cosplay outfits for Splinter Cell that I''d once seen some models wearing at E3 that, ahem, okay, I needed to get my mind off that now. Except, that wasn''t going to happen as long as I was looking at her in that.

    Ania sighed. "It''s not exactly stealthy but it''s much stronger than my Dark Undermaster Rogue Armor. We''re going to need every advantage we can get."

    Ania tended to talk like the player of a video game nowadays despite growing up in Ledziania as just another citizen. I blamed the fact she also had a Mark of the Champion that provided information in the form of Dungeons and Dragons/MMO-esque statistics Apparently, the gods of Mokosh (the planet, not the goddess) really loved both D&D as well as the collectible card game Pwiffle.

    "It''s the curse of the MMO gamer that going for the best gear always ends up making them look like rainbow armored pimps," Jon said, softly. "We should ask them if they have a transmog system."

    Ania stared, confused. "I only switched sexes twice and that was for a mission. That was more Thistle''s thing."

    Thistle was Ania''s elven lover from the books. While she was set up as the late Garland Rose''s primary love interest throughout the novels, Ania''s relationship with Thistle had been the subject of an entire book. It had ended with Thistle tortured to death and executed by Jorg the Bastard Knight. Right in front of her. It didn''t exactly require a degree in psychology to believe that had impacted her ability to open to people.

    I coughed into my fist. "Anyway, hi. What''s up?"

    "Yeah, please distract us from the fact that Aaron is an emotionally needy wreck," Jon said.

    I glared at Jon and wondered why we were friends.

    "There''s some dryads and nymphs that could definitely help you with that," Ania said, simply. "I''m not exactly nurturing."

    "That''s like saying that compared to a giant eagle, I don''t have many feathers," Jon said, lifting his wing to point at her. "Just don''t break his heart, Ania, or else."

    "Or else what?" Ania asked, raising an eyebrow. She seemed to think Jon was joking. Which he probably was. Her eyebrow arch made her look like she''d spent a lot on mascara. I could tell she realized that because her eyes darted up to her eyebrow as if annoyed.

    "Or else I will hang out with you instead," Jon said, threateningly.

    Ania faked a gasp of horror. At least, I think it was faked.

    "I''m fine, you''re fine," I said, intervening. "We''re all fine. What do you need?"

    "We need to get back on the road," Ania said. "The Sisters of Mokosh have managed to secure the Eldritch Tree and want to get back to the Abbey of the Twins. They also want to send a delegation to Crossroad and Dragon Keep in order to secure the place."

    I nodded. "We have three more gods to slay, three armies to recruit, and more leveling up to do. We also need to finish upgrading the keep."

    I tried to avoid mentioning another thing that had been hanging over my head this entire time: finding my cousin (also, brother, no, it wasn''t incest related), Alek. Alek Dabrowski was the son of my legal aunt and biological mother, Betty. We''d grown up in different parts of the world and our lives had gone in different paths but both of us had ended up working for Epic DungeoneeringTM. He''d gone into private security while I''d gone into computer programming and video game development. Somewhere along the line, at least if Valentin hadn''t been lying to me, he''d ended up becoming one of the Champions. Then, sometime after that, he''d ended up falling from grace.

    Well, if you call opting out of this crazy quest to be falling from grace. If he''d just refused to take part, then I''d be okay with that. No, instead, Alek seemed to have switched sides and joined Veles'' army like Valentin had. Valentin had done it because he''d been a budding psychopath unleashed on the world, but I refused to believe the guy who''d helped me deal with my Pwiffle addiction was the same sort of monster. I needed to confront him and find out his reasoning. I didn''t trust anything Valentin had to say on the matter.

    "The Great Mother also wants to speak with you," Ania said, referring to the leader of the Sisters of Mokosh.

    "Why is that?" I asked.

    Contrary to Jon, I''d done my best to avoid contact with the Sisters since fighting Chernabog. Not because I was afraid any of them would try to "reward" me but because I was uncomfortable with the fact Weis'' magic meant they all saw me as the late Garland of Nowhere. Garland was the protagonist of the Dark Undermaster books and had died at Prince of Sorrow''s, the third book, climax. Everyone in the fandom had thought Garland would get resurrected for the sequels, but it turned out that Larry C.C. Weis had something else in mind. Weis had sent over a dozen champions into the Southern Kingdoms, each armed with the Mark of a Champion, and everyone was enspelled to confuse them for the real thing. Given that Garland of Nowhere had a legendary reputation as a womanizer, I didn''t put it past him to have several other lovers than Agata among the priestesses. I didn''t want any confusion about who I was or what I was up to when dealing with them. That seemed like a recipe for disaster.

    "No idea," Ania said, looking at me sideways. "You should put on your new armor, though."

    I looked down at my casual clothes. "I guess I don''t look like the image of a proper adventurer."

    "You want to recover some sense of normality," Ania said, sighing. "To wear something other than armor. I understand the feeling. There had been times that I wanted to put down my blades and live a normal life."

    "What''s normal?" I asked, half-jokingly.

    Ania gave a half-smile. "There''s that too. To be an ordinary peasant girl or noblewoman is a life of drudgery, marriage, as well as being subject to the powers of others. Who would want to condemn themselves to that?"

    That hadn''t been exactly what I was going for. "Well, I''ve managed to go through all of Valentin''s trophies and have a pretty good idea of what I am going to use from now on. The rest we can sell or give to the defenders of the temple."

    Jon bobbed his head up and down. "The second most important part of these games: the loot!"

    "The first being saving people?" I asked, knowing that wasn''t his answer.

    "Nope," Jon said. "The first is Pwiffle. The third is sex."

    I stared at him. "I think you''re playing Pwiffle wrong."

    "Or doing sex," Ania said.

    "No, it''s just sex is always better with Pwiffle and loot," Jon said. "Like when I beat the Witch Queen of Angho¡¯horak at Pwiffle. I got myself a crystal skull as a reward as well as hot steamy human-on-witch action."

    I blinked, remembering the boss fight I''d worked on before getting sent to another dimension. "Isn''t that necrophilia? She''s a death lord. You slept with a lich. The White Lich."

    "White Witch," Jon corrected. "Also, she was in her ghost form. So, it''s not necrophilia."

    "It is absolutely necrophilia," Ania said. "She''s dead. You had sex with her. Which, honestly, lowers my opinion of her."

    "Undead," Jon said, annoyed. "Also, I don''t blame you. It lowers my opinion of her as well. She was into some freaky stuff. I mean, more than wretched biophilia."

    "Ghosts are dead, not undead," I said. "I think."

    "Then Doctor Crusher is a necrophiliac for sleeping with a ghost in Star Trek: The Next Generation," Jon said. ¡°Season 7, Episode 12, ¡®Sub Rosa¡¯.¡±

    "That was an alien candle monster," I said. "Technically not a ghost at all."

    Jon glared. "I will not be out-nerded."

    Ania shook her head and gestured to a nearby treasure chest. "Just show me what you have picked out. Please."

    I nodded and went to show her my new armaments. Hopefully, it would keep me alive until I had to face my next Old God foe.

 Book Two - Chapter Three - Updating my Stats

    I moved to the treasure chest and displayed all the loot that I''d managed to separate from Valentin''s personal collection. The stuff I wanted to keep at least. Valentin had been an obsessive hoarder, and I had the distinct feeling that a lot of his goodies had come from previous champions. Valentin had been a player killer and team killer, but it had been real lives he''d taken, all for the sake of feeling like a big man.

    There was Dark Undermaster Master Ranger Armor Set +3, a whip of light +3/+5 against undead, and a ring of giant strength. There was also another Mark of the Champion, one belonging to one of the late heroes sent by Weis.

    "Interesting," Ania said. "I recognize the whip and mark."

    "You do?" I asked.

    Ania nodded. "Another hero who met their end at the hand of Valentin. He specialized in killing undead."

    "And died at the hands of a mortal," I said, picking up the ring. "I thought I''d give you dibs on this."

    "I''m not the marrying kind, Aaron," Ania said, smirking. "Though I appreciate the thought."

    My eyes widened.

    Ania rolled her eyes. "You are terrible at taking jokes."

    "Blame my wiring," I said. "It takes me a bit to understand things that are metaphorical. I tend to take people at their word as well."

    "Wow, your life must suck," Ania said, showing again that she''d been hanging around too many people from my world. "Keep the ring, Aaron. You''re a sorcerer but you get in a surprising number of sword fights."

    I nodded and put it on. I immediately felt a lot stronger. "You know, they have it as a girdle of hill giant strength in Dungeons and Dragons."

    "Hill giants don''t wear girdles," Ania said, confused.

    "Ah, no," I said, pausing. "I should probably explain what Dungeons and Dragons is too."

    "I''ve seen plenty of both," Ania said.

    I blinked. "Err..."

    "Yes, it''s the board game of the gods," Ania said. "Just like Weis made books of my life and Garland''s."

    I grimaced. "So, uh, catch up on the books."

    "Yes," Ania said, her expression empty. "Remind me to kill Weis if I ever see him again."

    "I''ll reserve you a place in line," I said, dryly. "I assume he was watching us all with his palantir or whatnot."

    "His what?" Ania asked.

    "His crystal ball," I clarified.

    "Then just say crystal ball," Ania said, shaking her head. She went over and picked up the whip of light and looked it over. "You should keep this. You lost your sword when you used it against the mana icicles."

    "I''m not proficient in exotic weaponry [whip]," I said. "I checked Agata''s character sheet and... she is?"

    "Yes, Sisters of Mokosh know how to use whips," Ania said. "Both in combat and recreationally."

    Jon coughed, which was actually closer to a caw.

    I looked over at him.

    "I didn''t say nothing," Jon said. "But the fanfic writers clearly had a lot more insight into this series than we ever gave them credit for."

    "But she''s a sorceress," Ania said. "So, she might prefer to stick with Arcane Fire, unlike you. This is Master Ranger armor, yes?"

    "Yep," I said.

    "Can you wear it?" Ania asked.

    "I always wondered how that worked in fantasy games," I muttered. "Armor should just be armor, shouldn''t it?"

    "The magic is designed to cause irritation and rashes in anyone who isn''t a Dark Undermaster Master Ranger," Ania said.

    "Oh," I said, blinking.

    "As well as uncontrollable bowel issues," Ania said.

    I blinked. "I will never think the same way about not meeting stat requirements the same way."

    "Well, can you?" Ania asked.

    "The Master Ranger specialization unlocked when I hit eighth level," I said, pausing. "I shouldn''t have been able to reach it until 12th level as a Sorcerer, but the requirements were warrior feats as well as Attack bonus that I got from my Divinity score. Really, it just opens the Ranger magical items list as well as their school of magic. A bonus against undead, which is useful in this war against Veles, I suppose. Oh, and I got tracking as a free feat."

    Ania stared.

    "Which makes no sense to you, I''m sure," I said, sighing.

    "No, I have a Mark of the Champion too," Ania said. "It''s mostly gibberish but I understand how it works. I was just curious how you were adjusting to becoming a demigod."

    I frowned and lifted my bracelet to look at the display.

    If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

    ARAGORN ¡°AARON¡± BARTKOWSKI

    LVL: 8

    CLASS: UNDERMASTER SORCERER (MASTER RANGER)

    ALIGNMENT: GRAY

    AGE: 34

    SEX: MALE

    RACE: HUMAN (Demigod)

    STR: 12 (19)

    AGI: 10

    CON: 11

    INT: 20

    WIS: 9

    COM: 15 (16)

    CHA: 13 (14)

    ARMOR CLASS: 27

    ATTACK: +5 (+15 to ATTACK, 1d10+10/14 [Undead] DAM, Sword [Bleed])

    HEALTH: 42

    DIVINITY: 3

    FEAT: Taunt, Sword and Shield, Two Handed Fighting, Tracking

    SPECIAL ABILITIES: ARCANE FIRE (1d6+6 INT bonus, Eldritch Damage), BLOCK (requires shield), LESSER MAGIC (unlimited times per day), COUNTERSPELL

    SPELL LIST (12/4/3/3/2):

    LESSER MAGIC EFFECTS: CLEAN SELF, CREATE FOOD, CREATE FIRE, CREATE WATER, MINOR ILLUSION, REFRESH, TELEKENESIS (1 Kilo per INT bonus), VENTRILOQUISM, MEND, TORCHLIGHT, SILENT WALK, IDENTIFY MAGICAL OBJECT, LESSER SENDING (Party Only)

    [1] PUSH, CURE, JUMP, ARMOR

    [2] WEB, ANIMAL SUMMONING

    [3] SUGGESTION, LESSER CHARM, CURE (II)

    [4] POLYMORPH OTHER, DIVINE BOW

    STATUS EFFECTS:

    * Alchemical Stone (Red): +50lb carrying capacity

    * Blessing of Mokosh: +1 to COM, +1 to CHR

    * Ring of Ogre Strength: STR is 19 when wearing this

    * Boots of speed: Double Movement Speed, Dodge Roll Bonus

    * Ranger¡¯s Mark: +4 to hit/damage against Undead

    * +2 to all Saving Throws [Divine]

    Level 8 to 9

    24,000/135,000

    I hadn''t yet explained my +5 weapons to her, but they were listed on the Attack list. I was saving that for later. The new spells I''d gained included the ability to transform people, heal better, as well as my first ranger spell in DIVINE BOW. My INT had gone up again as had my WIS, though not so much that it was equal to "average" human WIS. Ironically, I''d wasted two of my bonus attribute points putting up my STR score. I''d thought I''d need a lot more help with my fighting abilities but hadn''t counted on finding the ring of ogre strength.

    "Interesting choices," Ania said, looking over my shoulder.

    "The thing is, despite the fact that I''m in a video game, or at least a world that has a lot of similarities to one, my build depends on a lot of counter-intuitive assumptions about how to play," I said, accidentally starting to monologue. My ex-girlfriend, Nightchilde, hated when I did this. "You see, virtually all the other champions attempted to specialize in something in order to get the maximum number of bonuses from doing one thing really well. At least according to Jon."

    "Becky wouldn''t shut up about it," Jon said, referring to his guide. "She was a CON junkie who wanted to tank all possible damage. Sadly, that didn''t mean much when faced with a giant. Their clubs ignore armor."

    "However, specialization is made with the assumption that you can reload and a game over is just an inconvenience," I said, feeling incredibly smug about my conclusions. "If you were stupidly strong then you would be utterly boned if you encountered an INT-based challenge. If you were incredibly intelligent, you might die horribly without a high-enough CON score. It was a pretty bold idea to pursue but I believed a Jack-Of-All-Stats approach was probably the best way to survive Ledziania."

    "Yes," Jon said, bobbing his head and flapping his wings. "This world is sick and wrong. It is the one where the bards are the most likely to survive."

    "Because they do music well?" Ania asked, confused.

    I smirked. "Private joke."

    "A joke that only you get is just unfunny," Ania said, shaking her head. "Your Divinity score is as high as mine. So do you feel any different?"

    I blinked. "You absorbed other bracelets?"

    "No, I was born with this," Ania said.

    I paused, remembering the common fan theory that Ania was Mokosh''s daughter. Not the least reason being that she had the same hair color as the goddess and Lord Tomas Rose had been Mokosh''s lover. I''d gotten a pretty good look at Mokosh''s hair in her sacred grotto as well.

    "Right," I said, awkwardly.

    Ania frowned. "It could be due to any number of reasons."

    "Sure," I said. "No, it doesn''t list any special abilities from being a demigod. However, there''s a lot of passive things going on behind the scenes with the rules."

    "Uh huh," Ania said, as if I was speaking Greek.

    I picked up the Mark of the Champion and stared at it, remembering how powerful it had made me feel. "I was wondering if I should remove the temptation and share it with other members of the party with marks."

    "So, me or Agata," Ania said dryly.

    "Yes," I said. "Maybe give it to Bloodstorm or Sparky."

    ¡°I doubt it would work with Bloodstorm,¡± Ania said. ¡°The bracelets don¡¯t allow me to absorb energy, and I consulted with the Wise Man once when he wasn¡¯t just relying on people from your world. He said that being tied to another god causes the bracelets to disrupt your energy. Perun¡¯s power would interfere with their magic and possibly cause severe damage to even a demigod."

    That was useful information. ¡°So Agata is out because she¡¯s a priestess, you¡¯re out because of¡­reasons, and Bloodstorm is out because his mother is Baba Yaga. She¡¯s close enough to a goddess to not really matter. There¡¯s still Sparky.¡±

    "Yes, because that''s what we need, a demigod dragon with the mind of a child," Jon said.

    "He is a child," I replied. "Or a teenager. I think."

    Okay, I was really failing my diplomacy checks.

    "He''s definitely a teenager," Ania said. "He spent quite a bit of time with initiate Dahna. She''s an elf about his age. Mentally and physically."

    I blinked, processing that. It was hard to think of Sparky as someone who had hit puberty, even though he was technically twenty-seven or so. He preferred to live as a dog and a dragon, so it was sometimes hard to remember he was about fourteen years old in his human form. "Ah. So that''s what we''re going with development wise, huh?"

    "He''s coming out of his feral years," Ania said. "The isolation and living as an animal didn''t prevent his development. Just...made it rougher."

    It was hard to imagine Sparky with a lady, not the least because I treated him as much as a pet as a squire, but I sighed. "Well, I suppose someone should give him the talk."

    "I think the sex priestesses have it covered," Jon said.

    "I''ll try and treat him more as, uh, young man then," I muttered.

    "He looks up to you," Ania said. "God knows why."

    I glared at her.

    Ania paused, embarrassed. "Sorry, I used to make these kinds of jokes to Garland. He found them funny and returned the favor. I keep forgetting that''s not how...friends work."

    "Friends," I said, not taking the word quite as well as she wanted.

    "Lovers," Ania said, kissing me on the cheek. "Non-exclusive, emotionally detached lovers."

    I glared.

    Ania seemed to think I was joking and smiled. "I noticed you had a +5 weapon on your sheet with a bleed effect. I know enough about how these math magic sheets work to know that means you have a powerful weapon to replace the Ghost Sword. Where did you get it and where is it?"

    I was a bit reluctant to show off my new toys, but I''d discovered them in the brazier where we''d slain Chernabog. They''d been covered up by the ashen remains of the god and I''d needed some time to master them. Still, I went to the treasure chest and proceeded to pull out the two black jagged scimitars. Immediately, the weapons started whispering to me in their demonic voices.

    Murder.

    Chaos.

    Conquest.

    "Ta da!" I said, showing them off. The Blades of Chernabog were an award for defeating the first of the Old Gods and were +5 vampiric weapons that also inflicted bleed damage. Yeah, they were kind of evil, but I didn''t seem to be affected by them despite my low WIS score. Since I''d accidentally bought the two-weapon fighting feat while falling to my (near) death, I figured they were perfect as a substitute for the Ghost Sword.

    Ania stared in horror and tackled me to the ground, attempting to pry the swords from my hands.

    "Do I need to leave the room?" Jon asked.

 Book Two - Chapter Four - The Queen is Dead

    "Put them down!" Ania said, straddling me and struggling to pull the swords out of my hands. Normally, Ania would be stronger than me, something I freely admitted, but thanks to the ring of ogre strength I was easily holding her back.

    "It''s not what you think," I said, annoyed.

    "Now kiss!" Jon said, calling from the side.

    I glared at the bird. "Jon, please."

    "Move your thighs around his neck!" Jon said. "You can pull off the Black Widow neck snap then. He has a magic coin; we can resurrect him!"

    "What the hell, Jon," Ania said. "I''m not killing him."

    "Trust me, it''s the way all men wish to die," Jon said. "Certainly, better than being burned to death by dragonfire."

    "It is a very quick way to die," Sparky said, walking into the room. He was in his human form and accompanied by Bloodstorm. Behind them were three Sisters of Mokosh, including the Great Mother.

    Sparky in his human was a brown skinned young man with short black hair and a winning smile. He dressed in a Tom Sawyer-esque style of cloth pants and a white linen shirt. Since his skin was still as hard as dragon scale even shape changed, he didn''t need to wear shoes but sported a pair of sandals for the sake of propriety. He looked about fourteen years old and had improved a bit in his human-to-dragon communication. Even so, I was pretty sure he''d been on the spectrum before his "curse" and that had been aggravated by living in a swamp for almost twenty years.

    With only his mother for company.

    Yikes.

    The three Sisters of Mokosh were fantastically beautiful women that basically looked like the women you would hire to play ''all-female order of sex witches'' in Hollywood. There were men who served the Sisters of Mokosh, quite enthusiastically, but the organization''s spell casting ranks were restricted to women.

    The Great Mother was older looking than most of the others but not exactly old, old. Well, depending on your definition of old. Like, Nicole Kidman in her late fifties was still Nicole Kidman. Jon had used the word GILF, a word he used way too often, to describe the Great Mother and he wasn''t wrong. She was blonde with crystal blue eyes as well as milky white skin with a blue hooded cloak over low-cut form-fitting white robes. She had a staff of ivory that was tipped with a gold pair of entwined lovers.

    The two priestesses beside her were a South Asian looking woman in her forties and a thirty-something dusky-skinned curly-haired woman with black eyes whose ethnicity I didn''t recognize. Maybe Arabic? Both were wearing elaborately tailored red robes with glowing magical patterns. I didn''t question the unexpected diversity of Fantasy Poland and put it with how things were just plain different here. The Southern Kingdoms had been populated by literal gods committing the Medieval equivalent of alien abduction. Besides, it was none of my beeswax.

    Agata walked into the bedroom after the other three priestesses, bowing her head and looking like she''d rushed here from somewhere else. Her hair was mussed, and I had the suspicion she''d been ''renewing her vows'' with some of the men. Bloodstorm didn''t seem to mind, at least, and had certainly sample several of the priestesses favors himself.

    "Hi," I said, trying to stand up but Ania was still pressing me down. I should have been able to push her off, but her STR score was around 16. Which, yes, meant she was probably as strong as some Olympian men despite being the size of Alyson Hannigan. That was another thing I didn''t question when in a mile-tall tree that carried a city in its branches.

    "He''s got the Blades of Chernabog," Ania explained. "They''re probably mind controlling him!"

    "They''re not," Bloodstorm said, simply.

    "How can you tell?" Ania asked the ogre dhampyr.

    "Because he''s not slaughtering everyone around him," Bloodstorm said. "All berserkers tap into Chernabog''s power when they go on their murder sprees, at least the ones who aren''t devotees of Thor. We worship Thor in Rus lands instead of Perun, even though that¡¯s more a Pepsi versus Coke thing. Aaron is one of the calmest men I''ve ever met, and I''ve killed monks from Qin."

    "You mean met monks," I corrected him.

    Hopefully.

    "Hmm? What did I say?" Bloodstorm asked.

    "The Blades of Mokosh have driven many good men mad," Ania said, reluctantly letting go. "The Black God often gave them to warriors seeking power and gradually drove them insane. Some were destroyed instantly."

    "Really?" I asked. "They seem fine to me. I mean, I hear worse on Call of Duty''s multiplayer."

    "That bad, huh?" Jon asked.

    "I mean they''re far less racist and sexist," I replied, waiting for her to get off. Not that I was uncomfortable with where she was at present.

    Ania noticed where she was and stood up, letting me turn the blades downward and stand up. I didn''t let go of the blades'' hilts, instead keeping my fists clenched around them.

    "The Blades of Chernabog cannot control Aaron," the Great Mother said, using my real name. "Not only is he a demigod but he maintains an equilibrium of the soul that prevents his casual domination."

    "What now?" Jon asked.

    "I have a +2 WILL bonus from my 3rd level Grey alignment," I replied. "Combine with the saving throw bonuses, I''m probably good."

    "Probably is not good enough," Ania said. "Even if the weapons are designed for smart people."

    "Of which he is!" Jon said. "When he''s not being stupid."

    Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

    I was getting sick of all the hazing from my friends. "Strange thing for a Balrog''s weapons to be enhanced by."

    "Chernabog was always the cleverest of the evil gods. Excepting Veles himself," The Great Mother said. "Either way, I believe you can prove their lack of danger by using the Wise Man''s Mark."

    I blinked then realized what she meant and called up the equipment descriptor.

    THE SWORDS OF CHERNABORG

    Epic Level Weapon

    Scimitars

    Requirements: 16 INT, 12 STR

    Attack Bonus: +5 (Scales to INT)

    Damage Bonus: +5 (Scales to INT)

    Effects: Bleed, Vampiric

    Penalties: The swords will induce a cursed Berserker state if a WILL saving throw is failed during combat. This effect will not affect demigods, maximized alignment, or those who have the Barbarian class.

    "Huh," I said, looking at the description. I hadn''t paid as much attention to it as I should have. I''d been more interested in how the blades made me feel. "Maybe you should wield these, Bloodstorm."

    "Hell no!" Kragen said. "I have a careful equilibrium of bloodlust, homicidal rage, and alcohol induced stupidity as is. I don''t want to go disrupting it."

    That was hard to argue with. "Fair enough."

    "Besides, I have Valentin''s big ass maul," Bloodstorm said, conjuring the giant hammer that would have done Shao Kahn proud. He held it in one hand as if it was made of Styrofoam.

    "I know because I gave it to you," I said. "Anyway, I''ll take my chances."

    It was uncharacteristic of me to ignore the dangers of, well, anything but I''d gotten of power since coming to Ledziania. A taste that had been enhanced tremendously by absorbing divine energy. Even if it was the wrong kind, I wanted more of it and was barely able to resist absorbing the mark this past week.

    Ania wasn''t happy, I could tell.

    "Good," the Great Mother said. "I have important news to share with you."

    "Which is?" I asked, finally forcing myself to put away the blades in their holy rune covered sheathes. The writing on the sides basically saying, WARNING - DO NOT DRAW THESE BLADES in like five languages.

    The Dragon Queen is dead," the Great Mother said, gravely.

    That was a sentence that shouldn''t exist. It was roughly equivalent to, ''Princess Zelda is dead'', ''Princess Peach was eaten by Bowser'', or ''Princess Leia is no longer with us.'' The latter of which being something that made the real-world suck so much harder. Celetyne Van Piast-Jagellion was one of the protagonists of the novels and arguably more popular than Garland himself.

    People named their kids after Celestyne and cosplayed as her with Garland. Fans still derided the fifth season of the TV show for having the suggestion that she might go evil after killing her sister. Celestyne was the granddaughter of the Old King of Ledziania, back when it was united, and the world wasn''t upper crap. Born a few minutes earlier than her identical twin sister, Celestyne had been the heir apparent after all the other claimants had exhausted themselves in civil war. Not the present civil war for the crown but the previous civil war for the crown, which kind of summarized everything wrong with Ledziania.

    The young Celestyne had been a shy, bookish, and innocent teenage girl who had been the opposite of her fierce magical prodigy of a sister, Apollonia. Lord Tomas Rose had planned on marrying her to the then-exiled heir to the Eastern Empire, Constantine the Black, and to bring peace to the land. Apollonia had hijacked that plan by seducing the future Eastern Emperor while pretending to be her sister then arranging for House Poppy to massacre House Rose. Apollonia had called upon the ancient magics in Dragon Keep cursing her sister into becoming a dragon, ironically causing Mokosh to punish the Poppys with the same fate. No, I don''t know why Apollonia wasn''t cursed. Divine punishments are beyond me.

    Celestyne had remained a near mindless force of destruction for several years before the newly minted Dark Undermaster, Garland of Nowhere had broken the spell by marrying her to a giant cursed frogman (that was a Mongol prince). Garland being Garland had slept with her on the wedding night before abandoning her to go on a mission to hunt demons. Thus had begun their whirlwind romance that formed the basis for the next two books.

    "Princess Celestyne is dead?" I asked, shocked.

    "Queen Celestyne," Agata said, showing surprising deference to the woman who had been widely considered the other love of her late husband''s life.

    "Such a shame," Ania said, her tone showing exactly the level of deference you''d expect from hearing about a lover''s ex dying. "I''ll be sure to send a card to her funeral. Do they have funerals for traitors?"

    "They have cards for funerals here?" I asked, getting distracted.

    "Yeah, you buy them at the print shop," Ania said, looking to where I''d stored the blades but not mentioning them. "They''re what keep the ink alchemists in business as much as holy books."

    "Huh," I said, not knowing that.

    The Great Mother narrowed her eyes at Ania. "You should speak with more respect, Ania Rose. She was your rightful queen."

    "She was no queen of mine," Ania said, her voice taking on a dangerous edge that seemed wholly unnecessary given our surroundings.

    "Your father died trying to put her on the throne," the Great Mother said.

    Ania narrowed her eyes. "And look how that turned out for him. Look how that turned out for all of us."

    Agata looked both mortified and angry. "Ania, if you can''t take this seriously--"

    "I''m taking it seriously," Ania interjected. "I just don''t care. The Mad Queen or the Dragon Queen don''t matter."

    "Doesn''t matter?" Agata asked, as if she couldn''t believe what was coming out of her sister''s mouth. "The Mad Queen is a tyrant."

    "So are all kings and queens," Ania said, sneering. "As awful as Apollonia is, this war is worse. It''s dragged on for a decade and made fighting Veles impossible. All so Celestyne can put a crown on her head and claim to be the one true ruler."

    The Great Mother and her priestesses remained stoic in their expressions. Bloodstorm and Sparky both looked uncomfortable, exchanging glances that told me they would have rather been anywhere else. Jon, by contrast, was ogling the Great Mother''s cleavage. Never change, bird. Never change.

    Agata''s voice became icy cold. "Apollonia married me to her brother and when he tried to moderate her treatment of the nonhumans, she sold me to Radu the Impaler."

    Ania looked down, clearly embarrassed. "It''s not like I wanted the Mad Queen to win."

    "Really?" Agata asked. "Because it sounds like--"

    "Did she die in the siege?" I asked, trying to get the conversation on track. I''d never met the Dragon Queen, but she''d been a part of my parasocial history for most of my adult life. I feel like I should feel something.

    Celestyne had an interesting history after her curse had been broken. Transformed into a weredragon rather than a quote-unquote normal human, she''d proceeded to decimate her husband''s tribe after they murdered him for not allying with Veles'' forces. From there, she''d served as a Robin Hood-esque bandit then gradually turned against her sister''s regime once she''d seen how it oppressed the nonhuman peoples of the Southern Kingdoms.

    Celestyne had become an almost messianic figure among the common folk of Ledziania, waging a guerilla war that had gradually become a people''s revolution. It may strike you as odd to have a princess leading a populist uprising, but it worked for Julius Caesar and Napoleon. Given she could become a gold dragon, she''d been doing pretty well at the end of the third book.

    That was ten years ago.

    Time seemed to pass in "real time" for the Southern Kingdoms and Earth. As such, all those years that Weis hadn''t been finishing his book, he''d been struggling with them because Garland was dead. Hence why he kept throwing imposters at the problem in hopes of resolving it. I hadn''t exactly been able to do much research but apparently the war hadn''t been going well for her in the past decade. Last I heard, she''d been under siege in the city of Kalizov with the last of her armies. That had been a week ago.

    "No," the Great Mother said, staring down at me. "She''s been dead for five years."

    That caused everyone to pay attention.

    "The current, uh, Dragon Queen is an imposter?" I asked, shocked.

    "Worse," the Great Mother said, keeping her eyes affixed on me. "She''s one of you."

    "One of me being..."

    "An Outworlder," the Great Mother said, making it clear she knew a lot more than your average Ledzianian. "An imposter of my son."

    I blinked. "Son?"

    "I am Lilandra Rose," the Great Mother said. "Mother of Garland, cousin of Tomas Rose."

    Oh crap.

 Book Two Chapter Five - Save the Girl, Save the Holy See

    She knew I was from another world.

    Crap.

    I should have been relieved to find out she was Lilandra Rose because her survival had been something that fans had speculated on ever since Weis had refused to refer to her as anything but the Great Mother. However, the fact was that Garland''s mother was probably not someone who would be happy about me running around using her late son''s identity. I wasn''t voluntarily doing so but people tended to be irrational about these sorts of things.

    Ania leapt to my defense. "Aaron may be an overly idealistic, kind of goofy, trivia obsessed idiot but--"

    Okay, kind of leapt to my defense. "Ania..."

    "But he''s a hero!" Ania said, as if the words had a taste. "Sort of! That''s because I don''t believe in heroes, not because you''re not one, Aaron. You''re the closest thing we''ve got."

    "Damn," Jon muttered. "I could have done better than that in describing Aaron''s virtues. Like, at least mention the guy is a grandmaster at Pwiffle and a good lover."

    "He is those, yes," Ania said, embarrassed.

    I stared at her. "You don''t defend people much, do you?"

    "I''m a lifelong cynic," Ania admitted, lowering her head.

    Bloodstorm snorted.

    Sparky just looked unhappy. "My knight is awesome, and you guys should be good to him. He''s like my dad, too, now that he''s killed my previous dad."

    "I don''t think that''s how it works, kid," Jon said.

    "It is with dragons," Sparky said.

    "Great Mother..." Agata started to say something, but I could see it was physically painful to try to talk good things about me. Agata had been married to Garland, despite his being raised beside her (and her cousin-ick), so she held her own biases about the fact I''d usurped his place in the narrative.

    "Aaron does not need to justify himself to me," the Great Mother said.

    I blinked. "I don''t?"

    "He doesn''t?" Agata asked.

    "No," the Great Mother said, looking at me intently. "You are not my son, Aragorn Bartkowski of Michigan, but you rescued me as well as my sisters from the forces of Valentin as well as slew the avatar of Chernabog. You are a Dark Undermaster even if you came by your status as one unconventionally."

    "Then I am a Jedi," I muttered.

    "First you must confront Vader," Jon muttered. "Only then a Jedi will you be."

    Ania clearly heard my statement because she pinched the bridge of her nose as if she was getting a migraine.

    "So, the Dragon Queen is dead and replaced by one of Veles'' corrupted champions," I said, trying to bring us back to topic.

    Futile effort as that may be.

    "I''m not sure she''s corrupted," the Great Mother said. "It may simply be that the Dragon Queen fell, and she assumed her identity to try to carry on her work. You may know something about that after all."

    I wasn''t sure I had a response to that. So, I just said, "Yeah."

    "Unfortunately, she is blindingly incompetent," the Great Mother said, confusing me.

    "What?" I asked, surprised.

    "The Great Reversal," Ania said.

    "The what?" I asked.

    Ania sighed. "It''s something after the third of the Wise Man''s books. Remember, I''ve read them. Basically, not long after Garland died but after Valentin turned, the Dragon Queen disappeared for a few weeks. When she returned, she was incredibly reckless and lacking her previous military genius."

    "Yeah, we thought she must have bonked her head while flying," Bloodstorm said.

    "She alienated allies, burned towns, overextended her supply lines, and succumbed to decadence," Ania said.

    "The Mad Queen managed to recover much of her previous strength with the Empire''s help. The Imposter Queen would have lost the war within a year if not for the intervention of Francine."

    "Francine Dubois," I said, blinking. "One of the other women Garla...err, champions."

    Francine "Frankie" Dubois was my former supervisor at Epic DungeoneeringTM and someone I could easily see getting selected to be a fantasy heroine. She was French Canadian, a former college women''s basketball player, and a natural leader. A bit on the butch side, Frankie had managed to stand up to the bosses several times and not get fired. I still had a photo of her cosplaying as Sailor Saturn with her girlfriend at the Halloween party five years ago. Frankie''s disappearance had been something that had devastated the audience even if we''d all assumed she''d just gotten laid off. Now I was wondering if Epic DungeoneeringTM had been screwing with our heads.

    Later, I''d learned from Ania that she had been one of my predecessors as a champion. Indeed, Frankie had apparently made such an impression that she was one of the only previous champions that Ania remembered from before she''d broken the Wise Man''s spell. Frankie and Valentin. I got the impression they''d been close, but Frankie had apparently abandoned the quest to slay the Old Gods to join the Dragon Queen full-time.

    "Yes," the Great Mother said, "Dame Francine has been her military commander for years now and managed to prevent the Dragon Queen''s defeat, at least until now. The city of Kalizov will run out of food in another month¡¯s even with rationing. Then the dream of a more equal society will die with its queen."

    "Wait," Jon said, pausing. "Do you know what this means?"

    "That we have to rescue Francine?" I asked.

    "No!" Jon said. "The Dragon Queen who killed me was probably one of my coworkers! The indignity! For hitting on her, no less! A simple no or even call to HR would have been enough!"

    "You hold it more against a coworker at Epic DungeoneeringTM for killing you than a queen," I said, raising an eyebrow.

    "Yes!" Jon said.

    The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

    I sighed.

    "Francine put the political concerns of the Southern Kingdoms over the survival of humanity," Ania said. "As we say in Ledziania, she''s made her bed, she can sleep in it."

    I blinked. "Yeah, I don''t think that''s a purely Ledzianian saying. The thing is we''ll need the Dragon Queen''s army if we''re to fight Veles forces. It''s not like we''ll be able to convince the Mad Queen to help."

    I was possibly being biased. The forces of evil weren''t one big happy family, so to speak. Veles had his agents riddling both the Empire and Mad Queen''s courts, but he had them in the quote-unquote good guys too. The Mad Queen''s forces were, in every way, a superior military in both size as well as training. They also, presumably, had no great loyalty to the god who wanted to kill them all. Convincing the Mad Queen to betray Veles and turn her forces against him would presumably be no harder than getting to turn against her other allies (which the books showed her doing constantly).

    But it felt like a crappy thing to do.

    The Dragon Queen''s armies were made of dwarves, elves, ratkin, and displaced humans who wanted a society that wasn''t quite so awful. Slavery was outlawed in Ledziania since the day of the Demigod Kings, but it would be reinstituted if the Southern Kingdoms all became vassals to the Empire. Allying with Stalin to fight Hitler had been the right thing to do but hadn''t exactly worked out perfectly for Poland either.

    "The Mad Queen must die for Ledziania to live," Agata said, her voice a slow murderous whisper that took me off guard.

    It was a reminder how the Mad Queen had tortured Agata during the years after Tomas Rose''s murder. Agata had been a prisoner in the capital city and served as the Mad Queen''s handmaiden while babysitting the psychotic Prince Cesare. Eventually, the Mad Queen had married her off to her allies.

    Agata''s forced marriage to Ivan Crookback, the Queen''s hunchbacked brother, hadn''t been so bad. At least in the context that Ivan refused to touch her and was as much a victim of his sister as anyone else. However, that had not been the case with Radu the Impaler. We didn''t need to get into that but you could fill in the blanks about how that had gone.

    Ania looked away. "Fine, let''s kill her after we use her to win the war."

    "Look me in the eye when you say we should help her win," Agata hissed.

    "We don''t need to help her, she''s going to win," Ania said. "You heard it yourself, the Dragon Queen is dead. She''s probably in the Hall of Heroes with Garland now."

    Agata''s stare could have killed Ania.

    Even Ania seemed to realize just how awful of a statement that was to Garland''s wife. "Dammit. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    "There may be a third option," the Great Mother interjected. "The Dragon Queen''s heir. My granddaughter. The Pontifex or Holy Father of Mithras."

    Everyone was suddenly paying attention to her again.

    "What?" Agata asked.

    "Yes, what," I said.

    "Is this a pronouns thing?" Jon asked. "Or a ''titles are male gendered even if the person is a lady''? I can go either way but I need to have it clarified."

    Ania knocked Jon off his perch with a smack.

    "I thought it was a fair question," Bloodstorm said. "Also, I think it''s the title one."

    "Yeah, this isn''t in the books," I said. "Even as a fan theory. I know that Princess Celestyne had a baby with her husband, Temujin, but they died in childbirth."

    "They did not," the Great Mother said. "The midwife witch, Malat Zul-Barbas, stole the baby as hags are wont to do. However, realizing she was a quarter of Perun''s blood, she sold the child to Lords Centurion and claimed it was stillborn. It was lucky for Celestyne despite Malat''s eventual betrayal, because the child shared none of Temugin''s features."

    "I have a niece?" Ania asked, still thinking of Garland as her brother.

    The Great Mother ignored her. "The child was raised in a convent of Mythras'' Warrior Sisters and displayed the ability to work miracles from an early age. This was before the Emperor banned women from practicing even white sorcery. Last year, the Old Pontifex named her as his successor on his death bed. It was affirmed by a slim majority of High Priests furious at the Emperor''s decrees. The Emperor immediately declared the appointment invalid and named an Anti-Pope in young Joan''s place. Joan and her followers escaped to Ledziania with the help of the Sisters despite our historical antipathy."

    "Joan?" I asked, blinking. "She''s Pope Joan?"

    That''s a historical joke that would take way too long to explain. Google it.

    Jon looked bored. "Can we get back to slaying monsters and leveling up? I''m getting bored with all this needless backstory and politicking. Especially since Weis ripped off like ninety percent of it. The remaining ten percent is probably stolen too but I just don''t recognize from were."

    "So, she''s a fourteen-year-old girl," I said. "Who is in exile. How does that help?"

    "She is the heir of the Dragon Queen and the spiritual leader of the Empire''s faithful," the Great Mother said. "Many of the warrior cult believe Constantine the Black overstepped his authority by interfering with temple business. If presented to the armies at Kalizov, it is probable half of them will side with her over the Mad Queen. With the Dragon Queen dead and the imposter exposed, you could bring an end to this war overnight."

    It sounded like an incredibly risky plan with almost no chance of success. "I''ll do it!"

    "Yes!" Sparky said, stomping one foot down. I swore the entire room rocked. "Save the princess! This is real Dark Undermaster stuff!"

    "I don''t recall us agreeing to this," Ania said, sounding far less confidant than she normally did. "She''s a tool of the Empire and probably doesn''t even remember her parents."

    "She''s family," Agata said. "Even if she''s not mine."

    My bracelet pinged.

    MAIN QUEST(S) UPDATED:

    RESCUE THE POPE, WHO IS A LITTLE GIRL 0/1

    Rewards: 25,000 EXP, Robes of the Grand Cleric, Hat of Faithfulness, Staff of Mythras

    "Well now we have to," I said, pointing to the bracelet. "It says so."

    "I think we should talk about you listening to magical items for advice," Jon said. "You already have a pair of evil swords."

    "I''m not going to go Gollum," I said, like ninety percent sure that was true.

    "That''s not what I''m worried about," Jon said. "I''m seeing you as way more Peter Parker and the Venom suit. You''ll get seduced by the power and instead of going evil, just become sort of an asshole and that''s my role in the group."

    "This is true," Sparky said.

    "In the comics, the Venom suit made Peter weaker rather than stronger," I said. "This is totally different."

    "Dude if you start dancing down the street and gelling your hair, I''m calling an exorcist," Jon said, "Or Reed Richards."

    "She is presently a prisoner of Radu the Impaler," the Great Mother said, her voice lowering. "In Castle Bloodmoon."

    A silence passed over the entirety of the group. Castle Bloodmoon was one of the less successful video games produced by Epic DungeoneeringTM. It had been pretty successful for a smaller studio, but my bosses had devoured its publishers before ruining it with unneeded multiplayer as well as microtransactions.

    It was a Lovecraftian meets Gothic Horror game where the goal was to reach the castle''s center to face the Vampyre King. There had been rumors that Larry C.C. Weis had been a consultant on the game, but it was shocking to find out that it was yet another "real" video game. Seriously, why were all the real video games horrible? Why couldn''t Star Dew Valley or an anime dating simulator be real? I''d even accept Life is Strange and that was a hipster murder mystery franchise.

    Agata stared in horror and her eyes narrowed at the Great Mother. "She''s been a prisoner of that monster, and you''ve let us rest here for a week? Are you mad?"

    The South Asian priestess stepped between Agata and the Great Mother. "You shall show respect, priestess. Especially given your oath-breaking."

    Agata had broken her oaths to Mokosh, though not in a way typical of priests. Rather than Agata sleeping with someone and not being chaste, she''d broken her oath by marrying Garland and wanting to be faithful. Mokosh priestesses were supposed to spread it around and fidelity to one lover was a major no-no.

    Ledzianians, am I right?

    "I agree," Ania said. "If a little girl is in the hands of the Impaler, she''s probably insane, dead, a vampire, or some combination thereof by now."

    "Really empathic there, Ania," Jon said. "I give you high marks for reassurance. Like, 2.3 out of 10."

    "Yes, even Jon thinks that was cold," I said, appalled by her behavior.

    The Great Mother raised her hand as if to silence everyone in the room. "Her holy power will hold Radu at bay for a time. But you should move quickly if you are to rescue her. Do I have your oath you will try?"

    "Sure," I said, frowning. "But how do you know all of this?"

    "The Wise Man," the Great Mother said. "He has resumed his conversations with his allies and sharing information. Apparently, you beat Veles in a card game and reopened the long-abandoned channels."

    "Who says Pwiffle is a waste of time?" Jon said, raising a wing in the air. "High five."

    "It came at a price, though," The Great Mother said. "The Wise Man never does anything without demanding favors in return."

    "No kidding," Ania muttered, clearly not happy with the way this conversation had gone.

    "What was the price?" I asked.

    The Great Mother stared. "You have to meet with him in person."

    I wasn''t looking forward to speaking with Weis again since my last meeting had gotten me dimensionally transported. "Alright, I guess I agree--"

    I was cut off by the Great Mother waving her hand over my face. I blacked out seconds later.

 Book Two - Chapter Six - Dreaming of the Wise Man

    I found myself in a long and dark tunnel, the interior impossibly smooth as the place had a stench of sulfur as well as ash. Given this was about as far from the perpetual Pinesol smell of the Eldritch Tree as you could get (which was weird now that I thought about it--why would an oak smell like pine?), I found myself looking around. None of my companions were present and it was almost pitch black except for a light coming from the end of the tunnel that, thankfully, didn''t seem to be a sign of either the afterlife or a train coming but a flickering fire light.

    "Where the hell am I?" I asked, slowly getting up.

    "Fire Giant Mountain," the voice of Larry C.C. Weis spoke behind me.

    I jumped, spinning around and moving my hands to my swords. "You!"

    Larry C.C. Weis was a white bearded little man about five foot nothing and with a rotund belly. He was the Voice of Perun and said skyfather''s chosen prophet. Which was a nice gig except for his god being dead and all. Thankfully, for him at least, he was also the Southern Kingdoms'' resident archwizard. Today, he was dressed in a pair of blue jeans and an old Grateful Dead t-shirt with a vest over it. In each hand, he had a mug of coffee. The mugs were marked with HOUSE ROSETM and DRAGON QUEENTM logos. Yes, they were official Epic DungeoneeringTM merch for the Dark Undermaster series.

    "Yes, me," Larry said. "Coffee? Ever since the Turqish Empire was destroyed by the earthquakes and volcanoes created by Perun battling Veles, it''s damned near impossible to get the good stuff on Mokosh."

    "I''d rather not support Epic DungeoneeringTM by using any of their crap," I muttered, remembering what I''d seen outside of the Eldritch Tree. The company had been using slave labor from the local nonhuman races to try to clear cut the forests around it. I had no idea what they''d been using the lumber for, but they''d made "examples" out of a lot of the locals.

    "Yes, I''m sure the multi-billion-dollar company is concerned about your one-man protest against their fantasy IP," Larry said, pushing the House RoseTM mug into my hands. "Drink the damn coffee, you''re going to need it."

    I reluctantly took the mug. "What are you doing here, Weis? I thought Veles blocked any further communication."

    "Yea, well, he stopped that when you beat him at Pwiffle," Larry said, approvingly. "As the god of gambling, among many-many other things, he doesn''t scrimp on debts. You asked for a fair shake, so he''s withdrawn into Bald Mountain for the time being. No direct interference in your quest. That means we''re open to communicating via dreams again."

    I remembered Veles had said as much but hadn''t believed him. "Really, he''s going to honor our deal?"

    "Oh, hell no," Larry admitted, looking around. "I made more or less the same request of him at the start of this when I beat him at Pwiffle. There''s one thing that Veles hates more than an oath-breaker and that''s losing. Eventually, he''s going to get sick of you busting up his plans and figure a way to weasel out of his promise. However, Veles'' pride is his biggest weakness, so you''ve bought us some wiggle room. Maybe a few months, possibly even a year."

    I took a sip of the coffee, which was, admittedly, fantastic. It was thick, syrupy, and sweet with rich cream. "There is no us, Weis. You''re not my favorite author anymore. You shanghaied me into Ledziania as well as god knows how many other people."

    "Fourteen," Larry said. "Any other people from your world came through portals or magical summoning."

    I was briefly distracted by the thought of a Dungeons and Dragons ride bringing a bunch of teenagers here before shaking my head. The kids from the Eighties cartoon would have been eaten alive by this world. "Yeah, well, I blame you for it and we''re not friends. Also, I''ve lost a lot of respect for you as a writer. Everything in this world seems ripped off from other, better, writers."

    Larry snorted. "Adapting the events of Garland and the Rose Family''s adventures to book form is a lot harder than it sounds, Aragorn. Do you think my fans want to hear about how a mildly autistic computer programmer bangs goddesses? Makes a bunch of dated wise cracks about video games and fantasy novels? Believe me, I''m working extra hard to turn your story into something that doesn''t seem like Seth MacFarlane''s Game of Thrones."

    I admit, he had me there. "I''m the plot of the fourth book?"

    "For now," Larry said. "As stated, a lot of divine magic is related to stories and the telling of tales. It''s due to the most elemental magic being dreaming and the most powerful of sorcery being the naming of names."

    I stared at him. "You realize that means absolutely nothing to me, right?"

    Larry rolled his eyes. "All of that sorceress knowledge the mark downloaded into your brain is wasted, isn''t it?"

    I stared at the bracelet. "Well, it''s working fine, I guess. I still don''t know why you made it so quirky, though. I don''t get why it increases my power like I''m a 2nd Edition wizard nor why it gives me background music. I swear it played ''No Easy Way Out'' when I was brooding last night. Your doing, I presume?"

    "Oh, hell no," Larry said, sipping his coffee. "That''s all Perun."

    "What," I said, blinking.

    "The bracelet contains a fragment of his soul," Larry said. "All of them do. Perun was a massive gamer while alive and still has a connection to the reality. You know, being a GOD and all. Saint George and the Dragon, Michael and Lucifer, and pretty much all other stories of beefy guys versus evil dragons or wizards."

    "I thought those would be all actual people," I said.

    "They are," Larry said. "Just because he inspired them, doesn''t mean they aren''t real on their own."

    I was getting a headache. "So, the bracelet is Perun''s ghost leveling me up."

    "Yes," Larry said. "My god was very quirky while alive. Also, are you out of your goddamn mind absorbing his essence?"

    I didn''t expect that reaction. "I would have thought you would have approved. Maybe it''ll bring back Perun."

    Larry frowned with a ''what sort of idiot do you take me for'' kind of look. "If it was that easy, Aaron. I would have already done it. Gods are naturally immortal, and I don''t mean the piddling diet coke immortality that death lords and vampires get. The fact that Perun is dead in the first place is one of those impossibilities that shouldn''t have happened, possibly related to the fact Veles was using the Twisted Gods'' magic."

    The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

    "That''s those Lovecraftian things, right?" I asked.

    Larry frowned. "Dark spooky alien gods existed before Howard Phillips, thank you. I don''t steal everything. I just...flavor...my reality."

    "Uh huh," I said, finishing my coffee. "Name any eldritch abominations not influenced by Lovecraft."

    "Ungoliant," Larry pointed out. "Not a Maia or Valar. She just sort of pops into The Similarillion."

    "Stealing from Tolkien is still stealing," I replied.

    "Anyway, the only thing keeping Perun dead is Veles'' power, I think," Larry said. "Either way, you don''t want him taking you over. Because first, you''d be dead. Next of all, you''d be an undead ghost of a god rather than a true resurrection. The fact the mark encouraged you to do so is a bad sign, in fact."

    "So, ghosts are undead, not dead, dead," I said.

    "Focus, Aaron," Larry said, annoyed, and made a ''knock on wood'' gesture with his fist toward my head. "It means that the mark wants to join with its other selves. Which may be a source of power in the short run but isn''t something a mortal body can handle."

    I stared at the mark. "Err, it says I''m a demigod now."

    "Oh goddammit," Larry muttered, feeling his face. "Just be careful. Anymore absorbing and you might start losing yourself. You''re only under Mokosh''s protection and only as long as you¡¯re mortal. If you become a full god, however weak of one, the oaths that Veles made to not kill you immediately won¡¯t mean shit.¡±

    Again, he was making no sense. "Is the bracelet alive? Is it plotting against me?"

    Larry shook his head. "Like I said, it¡¯s a fragment of Perun''s soul. If it helps, think of it as a good version of the One Ring. That, I dunno, just really loves board games by Gary Gygax."

    "And Dave Arnesen," I said. "Don''t forget his contributions."

    "And Eighties music," Larry said. "My God got really into hair metal toward the end. He was always trendy."

    I wasn''t sure how much of a good counterpart to the One Ring it was if it was trying to steal my body and eat my soul. "Veles gave me a coin that could resurrect people. Can that help?"

    "I''m pretty sure that Veles isn''t going to give you an out like that," Larry said. "No, the resurrection coins are just a magical item of his that he passes out like candy to his followers. Keep a hold of it, though. It''ll work on any willing soul, though. The Underworld isn''t all in Veles'' control but there''s only one for Earth and Mokosh so you could bring back anyone in both."

    I blinked. "So, if I wanted to bring back John F. Kennedy¡ª"

    I wasn''t thinking about Kennedy, of course, I was thinking about the Dragon Queen and hoped Larry would have a piece of advice regarding that.

    "I''d probably say that was an odd choice when two worlds are at stake but yes," Larry said. "You could also probably bring back John Ronald Reul. However, he''s probably quite content in his portion of the Underworld."

    "He might punch up your manuscript," I replied. "Maybe get you to stick to a deadline."

    Yes, I was still salty it had taken him eleven years to write this novel when he was just stealing everything.

    "It took Tolkien twelve years to write the Lord of the Rings and five years to publish it so screw you," Larry said. I hated to say it but the old man was winning my respect.

    "That''s four years a book," I replied. "Which is perfectly reasonable."

    Weis nodded. "You''ll know when and where to use the coin. If you use it at all since it''s dark magic."

    "Thanks for being utterly unhelpful, Dungeonmaster," I muttered, referencing the old D&D cartoon. The little gnome wizard repeatedly answered every direct question with a riddle and basically asked like a suckier version of Yoda. Unfortunately, Weis was the only game in town who might have a larger perspective on all of this.

    "I try," Weis said, grinning.

    "Anyway, thanks for answering my questions,¡± I said, sarcastically. ¡°I only have a few more."

    "Alek is a fallen champion," Larry said, anticipating my next one. "I picked him over you because of his military experience. He was the next most successful champion after Valentin and Francine. In the end, he switched sides and is now Valentin''s primary assassin."

    I almost punched Larry in the face. "Alek is a good man."

    "He was a good man," Larry said. "Now he''s a servant of evil."

    I looked down at the ground.

    "Your other question is whether Ania loves you," Larry said. "To which the answer is yes but in the way she loves a lot of people and no in the fact that she isn''t exclusive. Garland and Thistle did a number on her. Also, she was raised by elves who use sex like a handshake. She was lovers with all of her fellow moon elf ninjas, six fellow Dark Undermasters, and King Arthur."

    "I don''t need you interfering in my..." I trailed off. "King Arthur, really?"

    "Teleportation accident," Weis explained before tapping the side of his head. "As for how I know all of this, I''m in the heads of all of my characters."

    I shook my head. This was too damned weird. I really didn''t want to know about Ania''s sex life before me, even if I already did from the books. I suddenly felt like Dante from Clerks. "Well, I appreciate you talking to me about all of questions. Sort of. However, if you don''t mind, I have to get back to rescuing the Little Girl Pope."

    "You need to kill the Fire Demon," Weis said, taking back his mug.

    "Wait, what?" I asked.

    "You need to strike while the iron is hot," Larry said, looking around the tunnel that I realized now was a lava tube. "Veles is holding back his interference but also weakened by losing Chernabog''s support. When you slew him, he returned to the Underworld and regained his free will. He''s rampaging across the planes of the dishonored and oath-breakers. Plus, Veles no longer is getting energy from the Earth temple. Now is the time you need to strike against the Fire Temple."

    I stared at him. "We''re kind of busy now. We have armies to recruit as well. Why the Fire Temple anyway?"

    "The Wind and Water Temples have defenses you couldn''t overcome right now while we''ve temporarily got an in to the Fire Temple," Larry said. "When Veles first started his plot to end the world, he tried to recruit the fire giants, but Surtur had his own plans for the end of the world. Veles tricked Perun into dis-incorporating him for a few millennia while Zorya Dawnbringer led her armies to defeat his forces in what should have been a peacekeeping mission but ended up more like mass slaughter."

    "Uh huh," I said, confused. "The Fire Giant Mountains don''t have any fire giants?"

    "They have a bunch of undead fire giants," Larry said. "Which is actually worse. Fire elementals, salamanders, efreeti, and magma golems. It¡¯s so bad that the Empire bypasses the region to do their invasions of Ledziania. Mind you, they deny the existence of the Eastern gods, so you can understand why they wouldn''t want to expose their troops to the proof otherwise. That and not wanting them to be burned."

    "Uh huh," I said.

    "You also have to do it alone," Weis said.

    I stared at the man, searching for a sign he was joking. I found none. "Are you trying to get me killed?"

    "Sadly, I want to keep you alive, which is much harder," Weis replied. "I know of a way to get a single individual to the heart of the Fire Demon''s court, skipping all of their armies, but not a party."

    "So, you have an incredibly stupid plan that will never work. Got it," I said, before my bracelet pinged. "You know, Gandalf actually took on the Balrog for the Fellowship."

    "Gandalf also died and got brought back because Tolkien couldn''t think of a way for the Fellowship to succeed without him," Weis said. "I have to live on Earth since Veles would kill me otherwise and each of these trips is highly dangerous. I''d like to be the rare mentor figure who makes it through one of these stories."

    I almost told him I would be happy if he didn''t. Instead, I just rolled my eyes and said, "I''ll put your asinine idea on my list."

    MAIN QUEST UPDATED:

    JOURNEY TO THE FIRE TEMPLE AND SLAY FIRE DEMON (0/1)

    Recommended Level: 20+

    I looked down at my bracelet. "Whose side are you on, anyway? Also, as you can see, we''re way under-leveled."

    Weis caused both coffee mugs in his hands to vanish. "Those are just suggestions anyway."

    "Good suggestions," I said, shaking my head. "Because we only survived Chernabog through dumb luck and careful planning."

    "Exactly," Weis said, walking down the lava tube. "Which means that it''s not just raw numbers that mean the difference between victory and defeat. Actual skill plays a role in combat as well as planning. At level 1, you could theoretically have beaten Chernabog with no armor or magical enhancements."

    "And this was my streaming channel where I showed off, I had months to master a video game''s controls, I''d consider that a good idea, but I don''t," I said, pausing. "Also, those people have thousands of deaths to get good at the game. I only have one in Ledziania. Same as you."

    "Exactly!" Weis repeated, giving me a sense of foreboding. "You need to get good."

    "That is not my point!" I said, following him.

 Book two - Chapter Seven - No, I cannot solo her

    Weis and I emerged into a huge central circular chamber that stretched up into the air with its own microclimate. I could see stone bridges and buildings constructed into the stone walls, even as I got a sense of immensity like the Eldritch Tree. The sky was visible far in the distance through a circular hole in the center of its peak. Beyond, I could see dark clouds thundering and producing lightning every few seconds. The ground was filled with smoldering cracks that spewed toxic gases. Which, if you hadn¡¯t figured out by the lava tubes, was another sign we were in the middle of a volcano. An inactive one, thankfully, though only recently so by the evidence around us.

    "Impressive, no?" Weis asked, hovering a foot above the rock to keep eye level with me.

    "Yeah, it''s perfect for a supervillain to build his lair," I said, looking around for the goddess that Weis had given a very memorable description of. Thankfully, I didn''t see her yet. "I expected more rivers of lava, though."

    "It''s not Hell," Weis said. "Besides, just being a dozen feet nearby would burn your face off like Anakin in Revenge of the Sith."

    "I know it makes no sense," I said, pausing. "I was just commenting we''re in a frigging fantasy world. Maybe there''s an amulet you could give me or a spell you could cast over me. Also, am I here or is this a dream?"

    "You''re dream-walking," Weis explained, gesturing around. "Which is basically astral projection with extra steps. Barring an encounter with a god, there''s nothing that can actually hurt you permanently."

    "There''s a lot of caveats with that sentence," I said, blinking. "Specifically, the words encounter with a god and permanently."

    "Veles is sulking in his temple right now so we''re probably good there," Weis said. "The other three Old Gods sleep in their elemental temples, soaking up the energies of Mokosh."

    "And we are currently in an elemental temple," I said, my voice slightly raising its pitch. I was a stoic person by nature, possibly related to my having undiagnosed high-functioning autism if you believed my mother (and the internet), but Weis was testing even my considerable patience.

    Weis spread out his arms. "Come on, Aragorn, trust me."

    I stared at him. "I''d punch you but I''m pretty sure it''d kill your eighty-year-old ass. especially with my new ring."

    "I''m considerably older than eighty," Weis said. "I was alive before Ledziania, and its peoples were transported to Mokosh."

    "And how old are you?" I asked.

    "Bronze was the hot new thing when Perun recruited me as his voice," Weis said. "Personally, I think it was a mistake abandoning it for iron. It interferes with magic a lot less. Its why I stick to plastic. Terrible for the environment, good for wizards. Have you ever thought about the fact gasoline and plastic are a form of necromancy? Oil is, after all, liquefied corpses."

    "Is this what talking to me is like?" I asked. "Because, if so, I need to talk less."

    That was when a bell of doom rang, and I immediately turned around. I was half expecting the Fire Demon to appear but, instead, the black smoke from the ground coalesced into something very different from Chernabog.

    I know its cliche to mention this in a fantasy novel, especially this one, but the woman was beautiful. She had long curly flame-red hair trailing back down her neck, perhaps signifying her descent from Mokosh, with a crimson blindfold across her eyes. She was seven feet tall with a well-defined muscular body but still, uh, very pronounced feminine attributes. Which was a reason you should never be ashamed of a little body fat. Her armor was leather rather than metal and didn''t restrict her movements in the slightest as she approached, spurts of flame popping out of the ground wherever her feet touch. Ethnicity-wise, I''d say she actually was Asian (or perhaps, specifically, Mongolian) in descent but you could never tell in the Southern Kingdoms. Besides, to quote Egon Spengler, "It''s [Gozer] whatever it wants to be."

    The woman was a god, I could tell by the fact how the hairs on the back of my neck stood up at her mere presence. All the deities I''d met, which was admittedly just three (and that was three more than most people), projected a kind of aura that made you want to get down on your knees to worship them. The effect on me was muted but that may have been less because I was a demigod myself (supposedly) and more because I was getting a lot of other questionable feelings looking at her. I''m not saying I was feeling strong, "Step on me, mommy" energy but I''m not, not saying it, okay? It was also tempered by the fact she had a huge katana on her back, a no dachi I believed they were called, that radiated more power than my Blades of Chernabog.

    The woman stopped a foot in front of me, not meeting my gaze. Which made sense because she was blindfolded. She then spoke in a deep, throaty smoker''s voice that reminded me of some old movie femme fatales. "Is this the one who slew Chernabog, Wise Man?"

    "It is," Weis said, slapping me on the back.

    "I had help," I said, simply.

    "Not much help," Weis said. "He is the greatest champion yet."

    "That''s not saying much," the woman said. "Valentin failed to kill me and sacrificed two of his companions to escape. He ended up facing Belobog instead as his second Old God to slay. The others failed to kill anyone other than Chernabog."

    This was all useful information, but I hated being talked over. So, I waved my hand to her. "Hi. I''m Aaron."

    "I am Zorya Dawnbringer, Daughter of Perun, Daughter of Mokosh, Daughter of Veles. I am the death of the Fire Giant race and the one who laid low the Twisted Gods known as the Unborn King and the Child Stealer. I am the Bringer of the Sun and Smiter of Evil. I am the twin sister of Zorya Nightbringer and goddess of both love as well as war. I have taken hundreds of warriors to bed and sent thousands more to their ends. In countless bogatyr and their princess brides runs my blood."

    I blinked. "Nice to meet you."

    Zorya didn''t look at me, what with being blindfolded and all. Still, I could feel her mind brushing up against mine. "He is very weak for a demigod."

    If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

    "He is a very clever peasant versus a great warrior," Larry said, apologetic. "Not very wise but a lot of low cunning."

    "Gee, thanks, Larry," I muttered.

    "Do not take it as an insult," Zorya said. "My father was very fond of trickery as an alternative to brute force. It was what allowed him to defeat the Twisted Ones and made him a great pilot in the Earth Great Wars."

    Yeah, Perun apparently hooked up with my great grandmother after the Battle of Britain. Both had been two horny Poles looking for solace. In the end, she''d returned home to raise one of my grandfathers. Sadly, she''d ended up getting shot while serving as part of the anti-Soviet resistance and my grandfather had been raised by the state. They''d even given him a Russian name to replace his Polish one.

    Dark stuff.

    "I was also a pilot but had to fight with the Soviets," Zorya said, perhaps reading my mind. "Otherwise, I would have had to have taken a male form."

    "You were a pilot, huh?" I asked, wondering how she fit in the cockpit.

    Zorya smirked. "What place on the battlefield did you imagine a sky god''s daughter?"

    She was also Veles'' daughter, but I took her point.

    "Veles was part of the Manhattan Project," Weis said, dryly. "Later, he helped make the H-bomb."

    Yeah, that tracked with what I knew about Veles. He was a behind-the-scenes kind of guy. "So, was Earth just riddled with gods going about their business-like superheroes in WW2?"

    "No," Weis said. "The Ledzianian gods are just built different."

    "Those who fled Earth to Mokosh maintain the power to manifest and interact with the world," Zorya said. "Those who did not gradually faded away until they became whispers in their followers'' ears and then not even that."

    "With a few notable exceptions," Weis said. "No points for guessing the big one."

    "Even the Hebrew God prefers more subtle means these days," Zorya said. "Veles does not need worshipers to manifest, though. He is a creator god and even if you cut him off from his stolen power, he will be a threat to your world as well as this one. You must destroy his avatar and find a way to bind him like the Twisted Gods. Otherwise, he will return and slay everyone you know as well as love."

    "Yeah," I said. "I''m working on it."

    "Zorya has offered to train you to fight the Fire Demon," Larry said, proudly.

    I blinked. "Why doesn''t she--"

    "Don''t ask," Larry said, cutting me off. "It''s complicated."

    "I''m not sure training is going to help me that much," I said, turning to her. "Almost all of my abilities come from brain downloads."

    I lifted the Mark of the Champion.

    Zorya'' expression didn''t change. "The magic books and tools created by wizards to bestow knowledge can be useful, but they are a trap. Your mind needs to be at one with the skill and knowledge they''ve enhanced. There are a few seconds delay with how your improved body will react to commands to strike someone dead or unleash mystical death. Compared to untrained levies or monsters, this may not matter much but against the greatest warriors of the divine, it will be death."

    I blinked. "So, like skill books and monster cores from He Who Fights with Monsters?"

    Weis facepalmed.

    "Shut up," I said, glaring. "LitRPG is awesome."

    Zorya looked to one side. "If you can maximize your abilities and overcome your fear of death, then you can develop the strategies to fight the Fire Demon. To give them peace."

    "Okay," I said. "About this no fear of death..."

    "I''ll leave you two alone," Larry said, disappearing.

    "Fight!" Zorya said.

    "What," I said, not yet aware of what I was supposed to do.

    That was when I was decapitated.

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED 663 POINTS OF DAMAGE

    YOU HAVE DIED

    I was aware of the world after my head was cut off, Zorya''s sword draw strike so fast that I didn''t even see it before I was dead. I saw my body on the ground and watched it dissolve, wondering if I was about to become a raven.

    Seconds later, though, I stood up on the ground with my body reforming around me. It took me a second to re-orientate to the fact I wasn''t dead anymore.

    "Okay, just so I clear," I said, blinking. "I didn''t actually die, die, did I?"

    "Your dream self will always regenerate," Zorya said. "Weis, correctly, assumed you had much to learn."

    I paused. "Wait, you killed me!"

    "Yes," Zorya said. "You did not acquit yourself very well."

    "Yeah," I said, pausing. "You inflicted like ten times my hit points in damage! I barely felt that strike."

    "You will feel the next one," Zorya said.

    "Wait..." I said, right before being kicked in the face.

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED 54 POINTS OF DAMAGE

    "Ahhhh!" I said, landing on the ground and struggling to get up.

    That was when Zorya descended on me in a whirlwind of slices that severed me in a half-dozen places.

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED 1533 POINTS OF DAMAGE

    YOU HAVE DIED

    I regenerated from death again and stared at Zorya. "Will you stop that!"

    Zorya lifted her sword to one side in a menacing samurai pose. "No. Defend yourself!"

    I fired an Arcane Fire blast at her, which she easily knocked away before impaling me on her katana. From there, she hurled me in the air before slicing me in half.

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED 833 POINTS OF DAMAGE

    YOU HAVE DIED

    After my third regeneration, I lifted my hands up. "This is not teaching me anything!"

    "It is teaching you that it hurts to be struck by a god. That you will die if you cannot get out of the way," Zorya said. "Parry, dodge, roll, strike me first, or flee. You cannot think but must rely on your instincts, which have not been trained for war. Your instincts are trained for peace and diplomacy. Those must be beaten out of you."

    "I''m not sure I want them beaten out--" I started to say.

    That was when Zorya opened her mouth and breathed fire, which was agonizing pain before another death.

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED 90 POINTS OF DAMAGE

    YOU HAVE DIED

    I pulled out one of my Chernabog swords and the Rose family shield when I came back. "Okay, now I''m going to kick your ass."

    Zorya smiled in amusement.

    An instrumental version of "Hearts on Fire" started playing. What followed was a montage of horrifying and painful deaths. Impalings, beheadings, slashings, burnings, and stabbings. I must have died sixty or seventy times across the next few hours with only incremental progress. I learned to dodge, run, block, and time my moves better than I could have ever thought possible.

    None of it did a damn bit of a good.

    In the end, after what felt like six hours, I managed to last about thirty seconds against her. Even then, I barely managed to strike her once.

    Across the cheek.

    "Stop," Zorya said, looking down at me despite her blindfold.

    I was on one knee, trying to get up but unable to move. My body was unharmed after it''s, god knew how many times, death but my brain was suffering from the memories. "Give me a minute. I managed to beat the Serpent King in Eldritch Ring, I can beat this."

    Zorya shook her head. "You have learned all you can in a single day. We must continue training on other evenings."

    "Oh, great!" I said, my mind freaking out at the prospect.

    "You must also grow stronger," Zorya said, her tone condemnatory. "Even with the divine power you''ve absorbed, you do not have the strength to battle one of the Old Gods. Your tools can only compensate so far."

    I wanted to mention that was why I was traveling with a party, but the truth was that I was as much a burden to them as I was an asset. I could come up with crazy plans but when the actual fighting started, I wasn''t equal to any of the others. Frigging Sparky was way more valuable to the team.

    "How long do I have until I need to face the Fire Demon?" I asked.

    Zorya frowned. "Not long. Weeks, perhaps. The madness was interrupted for her by the death of Chernabog and relighting of the sacred fire at the Eldritch Tree, but it will eventually consume her again. Then she will go hunting for her prey. She is not content to wait in her fortress."

    That seemed like cheating. "Alright, I''ll think of something. I always do. I should get back to my team, they''re probably worried."

    "Time has not passed," Zorya said, walking up to me and lifting me up in her arms in a bridal carry. "We must now establish our bond for future occasions."

    "Uh, hello," I said, looking up at her. "Where are you taking me?"

    "To bed," Zorya said. "My payment is a warrior''s rest."

    ¡°Err, okay.¡±

 Book Two - Chapter Eight - Sparky is leveling up

    Sex with deities is something that very often results in extensive bodily harm as they possess super-strength, endurance, and magic that can draw out the experience well past mortal tolerances. I''m not saying that my dream self-died again but I came close.

    Which wasn¡¯t a double-entendre.

    Well, not much of one.

    I might have told her no, having just spent what felt like the entire day getting my ass kicked by her (which wasn''t my kink), but there was a strange sadness to the warrior goddess. It felt like Zorya needed this as much as I needed not to be stabbed again. Ania had made it clear she didn''t mind me sleeping with other people and while I didn''t quite believe her, I wasn''t going to worry myself sick over it while she figured out her feelings. Assuming there was anything to figure out. Maybe I just needed to accept we were never going to be more than we were.

    Once matters had reached their climax (I swear I¡¯m not doing this deliberately), Zorya faded away. I found myself lying on the ground of Valentin¡¯s bedroom, staring at the ceiling, and surrounded by the rest of my party. The priestesses were also there, which gave proof to Zorya¡¯s claim that no real time had passed.

    Ania looked down at me. "You seem to have had a nice time with the Wise Man."

    I didn''t understand what she meant until I saw I was very visibly aroused. Embarrassed, I turned myself over. "I found out some important news."

    "You had sex with another goddess!" Agata said, shocked. "I can see it in your aura."

    ¡°Uh, no I didn¡¯t,¡± I muttered, unsure I wanted to get into it now.

    ¡°You have a new Pwiffle sex card on your chest,¡± Ania pointed out, showing she¡¯d been teasing the entire time.

    ¡°Another one?¡± I asked, picking it up and showing a nude Zorya Dawnbringer surrounded by a fire shaped like a bird.

    ¡°Cool, a goddess card variant,¡± Jon said.

    ¡°They come in variants?¡± I asked, perhaps more interested in this concept than I should have been.

    My bracelet pinged.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED ¨C Dark Phoenix Saga 2.0

    25 (A) ¨C Begin a romance with Zorya Dawnbringer

    "Thanks for ratting me out, bracelet," I muttered.

    "You should be ashamed," Agata said. "The Skyworld is not your personal bordello."

    The Great Mother and high priestesses stared at her.

    "What?" Agata asked.

    "Slut shaming is, literally, against your religion," Jon pointed out.

    Agata blinked. "Oh right."

    "Apparently, they find something interesting about you," Ania said, crossing her arms.

    ¡°Must be a family trait,¡± Jon said. ¡°Sorry, Agata, redheaded goddesses and demigods only. Thankfully, you¡¯re still in, Ania. Well, Aaron is in, unless you want to tell us something about how you get busy. Heyooo!¡±

    Ania glared.

    ¡°Kill me now,¡± I muttered, half-expecting a helpful bolt of lightning. Sadly, the Skyfather was dead and couldn¡¯t help.

    The Great Mother shook her head. "I must depart. I will inform the sorceresses at the Great Portal that you''ll be coming soon. As Agata pointed out, we do not have much time. I only found out about the Pontiff''s captivity today and she has already spent too much time in his control as is. Even if that is measured in hours."

    I was glad she provided a distraction from my situation and really wished I could go back, uh, normal. That was another effect of sex with goddesses even if you were satisfied. Multiple times. The magic in their presence was a natural stimulant.

    "Super!" I said, laying on my belly. "We''ll get right on saving her!"

    The Great Mother and her assistants departed, leaving me in an awkward position.

    "Really, Zorya Dawnbringer?¡± Agata asked, surprised. ¡°She only sleeps with the world''s greatest warriors."

    Ania and Bloodstorm exchanged a glance.

    "I mean, he did slay a god," Ania said. "Sigurd only slew a dragon. Same for Saint George."

    "Really, her and Saint George?" Jon asked.

    Ania sighed.

    "I admit that Aaron is one of the world''s best warriors," Bloodstorm said, finally referring to me by my true name. "As long as we add the caveat that we all helped slay Chernabog and are each among the world''s greatest warriors. Including Sparky."

    "I''m a helper!" Sparky said, perking up. "My mentor is the best killer of monsters ever."

    "Careful, kid, monsters are a category that includes you," Jon said. "Did I mention I almost banged Dawnbringer too?" Jon asked. "Because I did. Her sister too. She looked like an Asian Jean Grey who could kill me with her thighs. Death by snoo snoo. Alas, I blew my chance because I also hit on her hot Goth sister. Zorya Nightbringer has the whole Christina Ricci in Sleepy Hollow thing going for her. Very different from Lucy Liu, pro-wrestler.¡±

    "I refuse to believe there''s any situation that would possibly allow that to happen," Agata said, staring at the raven.

    ¡°I liberated Perun¡¯s celestial mead hall from Grendel,¡± Jon said. ¡°There was a mixer afterward.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯ll do it,¡± Bloodstorm said. ¡°I was conceived at one of those.¡±

    ¡°I have so many questions that I don¡¯t want answered,¡± Jon said, looking at the berserker.

    Ania rolled her eyes. "Well, I''m glad that Aaron managed to find the time to get his rocks off while we''re about to rescue a child."

    "Don''t be cruel, Ania," I replied.

    "No, I am not cruel," Ania said, frowning.

    "You''re a little cruel," I muttered. "Sometimes."

    Ania shook her head and knelt to look me in the eye. "No, Aaron, I am not cruel. Cruel me would be very different."

    I was going to regret this. "How so?"

    Ania got up very close and whispered in my ear. "Cruel me would ask to come with you to the Fire Giant''s former kingdom and meet with Zorya Dawnbringer. There, I would lay my weapons down before her and ask that the three of us bond in the Rite of the Wind and Rain."

    "The Rite of...what?"

    She was very close now and I still had sex on my mind. "It is the ritual when three warriors among elves wish to make their bond permanent by showing the gods their physical intimacy."

    "Oh, uh, how is that...cruel?" I asked, my mind now very firmly in another kind of fantasy territory.

    Ania blew gently in my face. Her breath was cool and sensual. "Then I would remind you that, technically, Zorya is your great aunt."

    Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.

    My eyes widened in horror. I finally lost my "condition" and could stand up without embarrassment.

    Yeah.

    Ania stood up and smiled, clearly enjoying the effect of her prank. "Okay, let''s get going to Castle Bloodmoon. We''ve got a vampire noble to kill."

    She walked out the room.

    "Okay, that was pure evil," Jon said.

    "Damn," Bloodstorm said. "She could have just stabbed you."

    "I don''t get it," Sparky said, looking confused.

    "I''ll tell you when you''re older," Bloodstorm said.

    Agata looked uncomfortable. "Aaron, due to the fact it was an avatar, you don''t have any biological relationship. Gods are made of energy and--"

    "Please don''t," I said, standing up and dusting myself off. "It''ll only make it weirder."

    "I don''t think that''s possible," Jon said. "I think we''re at pretty maximized weirdness now."

    "Yeah," I muttered before looking at Agata. "At the risk of a massive mood swing in terms of our conversation, are you going to be okay with going up against Radu? I understand if this is going to bring back a lot of painful memories."

    Agata stared at me, a faraway look in her eye. "You''re asking me if the opportunity to torture and kill the monster who held me prisoner for months is something I''ll be up for?"

    "I didn''t say torture," I said, uncomfortable.

    "I''ll be fine," Agata said, her voice cold. "I''m more concerned about Garland''s daughter. The Great Mother seemed remarkably unconcerned about the kind of damage she might have suffered."

    "We''ll do what we can," I said, knowing there was no good answer to ''the child Pope was in the hands of a sadistic monster.''

    "If she''s a broken shattered mass of a person, they can still put a crown on her," Jon said.

    Agata looked over to him. "What?"

    "I''m just saying that the Great Mother isn''t necessarily our friend," Jon said. "Any more than Larry Weis or Maelor the Black."

    "Hey!" Bloodstorm said before pausing. ¡°Okay, that¡¯s fair. My dad is an untrustworthy dickbag. He used to be King of the Elves before they overthrew him and became anarchists. Mostly because he was an immortal tyrant. He¡¯s mellowed with age, though.¡±

    "Just because the quest-giver NPCs are against everyone dying in the monster apocalypse doesn''t mean that they''re our friends," Jon replied, showing surprising insight. "The Sisters of Mokosh are grateful for us saving them but I think that''s going to go away pretty quickly."

    "I am a Sister of Mokosh," Agata said, sounding less confidant in her rebuttal than perhaps even she expected.

    "We trust you," Jon said. "We just don¡¯t trust them."

    Agata looked ready to argue, which wasn¡¯t what this group needed right now.

    "Don''t try to argue with Jon," I replied. "Doing so is like playing chess with a pigeon. it knocks the pieces over, craps on the board, and flies back to its flock to claim victory."

    "That''s a half-truth!" Jon said. ¡°I¡¯d crap on my opponent. Crows don¡¯t have control over their bowels. It¡¯s whenever I need to go. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    Agata shook her head and walked out the door, speaking as she did. "I am glad you have received the blessing of another goddess, Aaron. However, I do not think these games are healthy for either you or Ania. Either open your heart fully or close it off like she has yours."

    That led to an awkward silence.

    "You should definitely treat Ania like a skittish horse," Bloodstorm said. "You''re making good progress but these folk with dead lovers always take more time than those without them. Personally, I''m debating courting the high priestess for real. Frankly, I worry that any children of mine will be lethal."

    I blinked. "Yeah, that''s a lot to unpack in a few sentences. I think I''m going to get changed into my Master Ranger armor and go get ready to kill some monsters."

    "Which don''t include half-vampires, ogres, or dragons, right?" Bloodstorm asked. ¡°I know you don¡¯t kill ratmen but Perun destroyed whole swaths of monster races. I¡¯m just making sure you¡¯re still you instead of him after absorbing two bracelets.¡±

    "They may include humans," I said, a little offended he didn¡¯t trust me.

    Bloodstorm gave me a thumbs up and left, leaving me alone with Jon and Sparky. I was about to start getting dressed when I noticed that Sparky wasn''t leaving.

    "Is there something I can help you with, Sparky?" I asked, wondering what he wanted.

    "I want to be a knight," Sparky said.

    I blinked. "Well, you''re already training to be a Dark Undermaster."

    I didn''t bring up the fact that I had no qualifications to be a Dark Undermaster, those legendary heroes who protected Ledziania from monsters, other than the fact I had slain a bunch of monsters in recent months. Which, fair enough, probably put me above a bunch of other people in job qualifications. Still, I didn''t know anything about knighthood or the secrets of the organization that was all but extinct these days.

    "We don''t actually do much training," Sparky said, pointing out I''d utterly failed to spend any non-combat time with him. To be fair, again, the past week had been a mixture of near-coma and recovery. Also, sex, which I wasn''t begrudging myself.

    I paused. "We''re kind of doing it on the job. You know, slaying a god actually puts you above most squires."

    "I want to learn how to be a wizard," Sparky said.

    I blinked. "A wizard, huh?"

    Sparky stared. "I feel...I feel like my brain is improving. Like I can think clearer about what I want to say and communicate those ideas better."

    "Really."

    "I still feel...different...from other people," Sparky said. "I became a dog because people liked dogs, but they still hated me when they found out what I was. Who I was. That''s when people got burned. Yet, since I joined you, I''ve been...getting better? Things have been getting clearer now. Does that make sense?"

    "Not in the slightest," I said, deciding to test matters by checking his stats on the Mark. It said Sparky''s level had gone from 12 to 14, which was a lot higher than I expected given I was still hovering around level 8. It also had his CHA score go from 6 to 8. Notably, his intelligence was listed as 11, which didn''t surprise me so much as let me know it''d always been a failure of communication versus an actual inability to process information. His WIS score was still around 8, though. "Okay, I think I see where the problem was."

    The greatest advantage our party possessed, which was to say any advantage whatsoever, was that this wasn''t a world that functioned on Dungeons and Dragons rules. No, only the wielders of the Mark of the Champion did. Which in simple terms meant that we were effectively superhuman as no one else in the world had Hit Points. Monsters took forever to die but that was because they were super-tough, not because they followed the same rules.

    One thing that I''d noticed was that anyone who joined the party also gained those benefits. Ania and Agata had their own marks, but I wasn''t sure they gave them the same powers that I did, especially since Ania was (probably) a demigod in her own right. Instead, their primary benefit had been to break the spell that Weis had cast over Ledziania that convinced everyone I was Garland. Sparky, by joining our group, was now getting his own alterations.

    There were a lot of moral, philosophical, and spiritual implications for the fact that we were altering ourselves to become superhuman. Worse, that doing so required us to kill other people and do quests. It did, however, mean that Sparky''s chances to survive were going up, though. Which was good for us. The thing was that Weis'' spell also erased everyone''s memory of the past Garlands as well as "reset" the abilities of the party when a champion died. Ania only retained the memory of the previous two looks because of her mark. If we let Sparky go or kicked him out of the party, an option to protect him, then he''d possibly lose all the progress he was making.

    "Can you teach me?" Sparky asked.

    "Sure," I said, noting all his physical stats were 20 with (28) in parentheses behind him. He also had a huge natural Armor Class and other benefits he wasn''t really taking advantage of. I still felt terrible about bringing him into battle, though.

    "Are you sure?" Sparky asked. "You were gifted your magic by the gods rather than taught it."

    That was an astute observation from him. "I think I can pull it off. Agata probably is better at this, though."

    "No," Sparky said, firmly. "I don''t like the sisters."

    "You don''t?" I asked, surprised. "I thought at your age that you would be all over. Not that I''m sure what your age is. No offense. Ania thought you and the elf girl were getting close."

    "No," Sparky said. "I don''t care about that stuff. I care about glory and being a dragon knight."

    "A dragon and a knight, a knight who is a dragon, or a specific order of knights called dragon knights?" I asked.

    Sparky looked at me confused.

    "Nevermind," I said. "Well, any excuse to put off the Talk. The short version is that as long as you travel with me, it seems that you will all get the benefit of leveling up. Not just Ania and Agata. That means you can become stronger, smarter, and more powerful due to, well, the blessing of the gods. It seems to be helping with your ''raised by wolves'' thing."

    "I wasn''t raised by wolves," Sparky said. "I was raised by a dragon."

    I paused. "My mistake."

    "Anyway, I can probably teach you magic but once you start learning it, you''ll probably get it without having to study that much," I said. "But it''ll be better if you study in addition to getting it dropped into your head. Does that make sense?"

    "No," Sparky said.

    Well, turnabout was fair play. "Well, I''m not Qui Gon Jinn and you''re not Anakin Skywalker. You''re older than Jake Lloyd anyway. Still, I want you to know I''m glad you''ve helped us this far. I don''t want you to be blind to how dangerous this is going to be, though. People can die."

    "I''ve killed lots of people already," Sparky said, confused.

    I sighed. "I am terrible at this. Just stick with em and I''ll try and train you to be a wizard knight dragon."

    "Thank you," Sparky said, turning around and leaving.

    "That was a great speech," Jon said, looking at me. "It almost persuades me that it''s not immoral making use of a child soldier."

    I closed my eyes. "I''m not sure it''s any safer for him outside of our party. After all, he was getting knights trying to kill him back at Crossroad. He also followed us from there to begin with. Besides, my concern isn''t just that Sparky will get hurt but that he''ll hurt other people. He''s largely unformed in his moral compass. Don''t forget we found him next to a burned-out farm."

    "Funny how the ethical thing is somehow what gets us a pet dragon," Jon said.

    "He''s not a pet any more than you are," I said, shaking my head. ¡°Pets are likable and love their owners.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s only because you feed them,¡± Jon said. ¡°Which I suppose is the same with people¡¯s children.¡±

    ¡°Jon, hush,¡± I said, wanting to talk to him about something important. ¡°No more snark for the next few minutes.¡±

    "Shut your forking face, Auntforker," Jon sang to the tune of the South Park: The Movie medley. ¡°Seriously, I¡¯m not letting that go because I¡¯m dying with jealousy.¡±

    "You know, Jon, that almost makes me not want to give you your gift," I said.

    "Which is?" Jon asked, bobbing his head up and down.

    "Me turning you back into a human."

 Book Two - Chapter Nine - Transformation Magic

    "Err, what?" Jon asked, looking less than confidant in my declaration. Which was impressive given he didn''t have a face.

    "I''m going to turn you back into a human," I said, raising my hands. "I have Polymorph Other as a spell now. So, I''m going to polymorph you into a human."

    Jon didn''t respond. "Maybe we should wait for the actual experts to work on my condition."

    "Oh, come on!" I said, annoyed. "You told me you got turned into a human by the Sisters of Mokosh for their orgies."

    "They mostly hook up in couples and threesomes rather than the whole writhing group thing," Jon said. "Also, I may have exaggerated what I got to do this past week."

    "You lied," I said, staring at him.

    "Only a little!" Jon said, cawing, which confirmed I''d caught him. "I got to see things!"

    "I''m surprised they couldn''t help you," I said, disappointed.

    "I''m a bird created by divine magic," Jon said. "My soul plucked out of the Underworld and bonded to this body. None of the sisters were willing to mess with that kind of power."

    "Weis isn''t a god," I said, pausing. "I think. He''s just the world''s most powerful wizard. Also, the chosen of Perun."

    "You''re not helping your case that he''s just this world''s version of Gandalf," Jon said.

    "Gandalf is an angel," I said. "Weis is more like their version of Yoda."

    "Still not helping!" Jon said.

    "Listen, it''s not a permanent fix," I said, crossing my arms. "I''ve read the spell description. You need to cast a PERMANENCY spell to make it last forever, which I won''t have access to until I''m level sixteen. Curses are much easier, but I''d need to hate you to do it. Seriously, it''s in the game codex."

    "No one reads that!" Jon said.

    "But imagine that I can turn you into a human for five or six hours every day," I said. "You''d be able to live a quote-unquote normal life."

    Jon looked down and then back at the door. "You''re making a compelling argument."

    "You also wouldn''t be utterly fucking useless," I added.

    "Hey!" Jon said, turning around. "That was uncalled for, Auntforker."

    I stared at him and spoke in a calm but menacing voice as my hands clenched on the hilts of my evil swords. "In the words of James Taylor on The Simpsons, I''m not nearly as laid back as people think. So quit with the incest jokes or I''m going to be earning some Black alignment points doing to you what every Legend of Zelda fan wanted to do to Navi."

    "Okay, I may understand why you decided to throw in a few digs at me," Jon admitted, moving a few steps away on his perch. "I was 18th level Dark Undermaster Warrior with a Martial Artist specialization when I died. This could be a gamechanger."

    I was skeptical of Jon''s claim to his level, especially since he seemed to have just wandered around playing Pwiffle but some of his adventures seemed to have been true. Besides, to be the necrophiliac he was with the Witch Queen, that meant getting through her underground necropolis. Mind you, it would have been better if he''d destroyed the evil sorceress but baby steps. "That''s what I''m thinking. We need to think outside the box if we''re going to survive this."

    "You always say that," Jon said. "But I''m not sure what the box in this case is. The box Dark Undermaster IV will come in? The Red Box of Dungeons and Dragons? The Epic DungeeoneringTM mail-in ones that you pay a massive yearly fee to not pay for shipping costs but don''t give you commercial free access to the Epic Prime streaming service?"

    I gestured to the television on the wall. "Actually, they have the entirety of Epic Prime''s catalog here. The entirety of the FANT channel too since Valentin had a subscription. I don''t know how they access internet across dimensions or galactic distances, but I assume magic is involved. Ania and I watched Dragonheart, Love Actually, and The Matrix."

    "What did she think?" Jon asked.

    "She liked Love Actually the most," I said.

    "Of course she did." Jon sighed. "Well, let''s do this, Slightly Scary Aaron. One who is totally not letting loose his inner Gollum."

    "Please," I said, pausing. "I''m way more Saruman."

    "Well, Wormtongue is the one simping for a girl out of his league," Jon said, dryly.

    "POLYMORPH OTHER!" I said, pointing at Jon.

    My magic felt different from before I''d become a demigod. Previously, I felt like I''d been channeling it through the Mark of the Champion. Now, I felt like it was channeling directly from myself as if I was a wellspring of mystical energy that could be drawn from. That I was a natural mystical reactor that was churning out its own power. Unfortunately, the spell seemed to warp and twist around Jon rather than function like I''d expected it to. Something was happening as I attempted to force the spell to succeed but what that something was, well, I had no idea. Seconds later, there was a rainbow-colored explosion of light beams before I saw the results of my efforts.

    "Err, it''s a work in progress," I admitted.

    "What the hell did you just do?" Jon asked, spreading out his wings. He had transformed from a smaller-than-average sized crow into a larger than normal peregrine Falcon.

    "Yeah," I muttered, staring at him with my head tilted to one side. "Peregrine falcons are an endangered species in Poland and may not even be native to the region. There''s less than a hundred in modern day--"

    "That is not the point!" Jon said. "You were supposed to turn me into a dude! A non-bird, dude!''

    "It''ll wear off, I''m sure!" I said, embarrassed.

    My bracelet pinged.

    JON SNOWAN HAS ADVANCED FROM FAMILIAR TYPE I TO FAMILIAR TYPE II

    "Or not," I admitted. "Hey, look at the bright side, you''re now badass."

    "I''m still a forking bird!" Jon said, sticking with his song lyrics profanity. I wondered why he was avoiding using the f-word. He used to use it every other sentence. Maybe the standards and practices people had brought it up in their reviews of Weis'' manuscript.

    "Sorry!" I said, pausing.

    "Great," Jon said. "When I head to the Rookery, I''m going to want to kill and eat all of my fellow spirit guides."

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    "The what?" I asked.

    "It''s an extra-dimensional space in Weis'' bunker on Earth," Jon said. "It''s where all of the ravens hang out when they''re not guiding people like you or whatever the hell else we do. You saw there were like a hundred back there. It turns out he''s been collecting dead heroes far longer than this stupid champion plan. No offense to any still-living champions still in the room. I wonder if they''ll all look like food to me now. Ooo, we better warn Sparky about his corgi form now."

    I took a moment to calm myself. "You have a way of going back home that you never bothered to mention?"

    The prospect about telling my family I was alive, asking if Alek was in the service of Mordor, and other things all popped into my head. They immediately left when I remembered that only a handful of people could understand Jon. To most people, he sounded like an especially loud bird.

    "I should probably have kept that to myself," Jon said, taking off. "Last one to the portal is a prey animal!"

    I sighed and proceeded to get dressed in my armor rather than my civilian attire. I wasn''t anxious to get back to the front line, so to speak, but a little girl was in danger. I also needed to move forward, or I would start questioning my insane decision to do this quest. Some of the polish had worn off from the initial awesomeness of being a wizard knight in a fantasy land.

    It had its upsides, don''t get me wrong. I''d made extremely close friends, gotten to see wonders no one from Earth had ever seen, and helped people. I was starting to fall in love with Ania, maybe already had, but until that was resolved, well, I wasn''t going to complain about the sex either. To be perfectly tacky, I wasn''t going to complain about cute monster girls and goddesses wanting to get in bed with me either. It was like a UndermasterCon weekend than never ended. But I''d also killed people.

    A lot of people.

    The Southern Kingdoms were changing me and not necessarily in a good way. It hadn''t taken much to reveal I had a capacity for violence, and I was less upset about killing people than how little I was upset by it. I''d also started relapsing into my Pwiffle addiction. Several times, I''d started shuffling the cards and wondering if there was an expansion set in the world now. It occurred to me there was a whole bunch of EXP and gold to be had if I started challenging important NPCs to games. The fact I still thought of the people around me as NPCs was also a bad habit I was struggling to shake. About the only thing that distracted me from those kinds of thoughts was the prospect of gaining more magical power--which was a form of addiction displacement infinitely more dangerous in the long run.

    You are fine, the Blades of Chernabog whispered in my head. You need power to save people.

    "See, now that''s suspicious since you''re usually pretty monosyllable about murder," I said aloud as I finished dressing.

    Err, kill, murder, piss, grr, the Blades said, reverting to their earlier type of speech.

    "Uh huh," I muttered, putting up my cloak hood. I was officially now Aragorn the Ranger 2.0. If I ever saw my sister again, Arwen, err, Wendy would never let me live it down.

    It was about a ten-minute walk from Valentin''s quarters to the portal chamber. Along the way I passed elves, satyrs, humans, and dwarves alike. The forces of Veles had occupied the place with their hordes of monsters but there had still been an entire city''s population here that had been forced to help in the harvesting of the trees outside. They''d been decimated in the Roman sense, ten percent of their population murdered to motivate the others, but were slowly recovering. I had to wonder if any of them knew that they''d been liberated before, only to have their memories erased when the champions who''d done it had died.

    Weis'' brainwashing was the biggest reason that I didn''t disregard Jon''s statement that we shouldn''t trust him or his allies. Well, that and the fact he kidnapped me to come here in the first place. For the past ten years, the people of Ledziania had been trapped in a loop of repeating patterns. If they died, they died, but they couldn''t really live either. It made me wonder if that was why the civil war had dragged on so long but pushed down that thought for now. I didn''t have enough information.

    Still, nowhere was the destructive influence of the past ten years of failed champions and conflict more obvious than the area around the portal chamber. The titular portal was a massive stone doughnut (or torus if you wanted to be respectful) that had once been part of a network stretching across the Southern Kingdoms. From the Carolingian Duchies to Qin, the setting hadn''t been so much the Dung Ages as a magical Enlightenment verging on steampunk.

    People studied to be priests and wizards the same way that people studied to be doctors or scientists. There had been active trade via airships and the sailing variety that never ran out of wind due to elementals propelling them forward. The Grand Temples had been pilgrimaging sites for millions and cracked ruined mansions around it showed the kind of wealth that had once been abundant.

    The conflict among the gods and never-ending conflict had caused a Great Reset and the results were more a Medieval Mad Max than a chance to rebuild society as something better. A setting that had once resembled Final Fantasy was, well, resembling the Dark Ages. Okay, I ran out of metaphors there. It made me think of the fact that your typical Dungeons and Dragons setting was technically post-apocalypse with massive numbers of ruined cities left to be reclaimed by the wilderness. It was one thing to wonder what had happened to the people who had built the giant statues of Isildur and another to see a stone city in the trees with only a handful people on the streets because they were still too scared to leave their homes.

    "This will be the last loop," I muttered, looking at my bracelet. "For better or worse."

    Weis had said as much.

    There were no more to make.

    The fifteen, now thirteen, could be reclaimed or redistributed but I wasn''t sure that was anything but throwing good money after bad. After all, Weis'' plans so far had just given Veles champions like Valentin as well as subjected the people to unending misery. But was there any other option? No one else was stepping up.

    Nope, it was all on me and my team.

    Damn, we were screwed.

    Ania, Bloodstorm, Sparky, the Great Mother, and Agata were at the side of the portal. It was about twelve-feet-high and designed for large caravans of merchants to go through. It reminded me a bit of the Stargate from, well, Stargate. I didn''t think it was Weis ripping off another franchise, for once, since it seemed more like something from druid times versus the Egyptians. There were a handful of priestesses and former slaves moving around the portal.

    An altar with a bunch of gemstones embedded in it served as a kind of control panel and was being operated by the teenage priestess, Dahna. She was a chestnut headed girl, a bit on the plump side, with freckles that did, indeed, look about Sparky''s age. Sparky was hiding behind Ania from her. It seemed that she''d been premature about assuming how much the occasional corgi was interested in that sort of thing.

    "So, you turned Jon into a falcon, huh?" Ania asked.

    "It''s a work in progress!" I said, raising my hands defensively.

    "Do not tamper with divine magic," the Great Mother said. "It is beyond your comprehension."

    I bit back a nasty retort along the lines of, ''I don''t take advice from dead beat mothers.'' Which was very out of character for me. Perhaps the swords were influencing me. Another possibility was I just had gotten sick of everyone thinking they could tell me what to do.

    "So noted," I said, instead. "How is this going to work, exactly?"

    Dahna looked up from her position at the altar. "Devil Pass used to be an important trade route to the Turquish Empire before the Death Mountains erupted and killed most of the region. The portal is still there, though it hasn''t been used in decades. It should bring you right to the base of Castle Bloodmoon, though."

    "Sounds great. It''ll save on travel time, at least," I muttered, thinking of Stompy. My flying demon steed had sacrificed himself to keep me alive. Stompy had reassured me that he''d just return to the Underworld, but my summoning rune had been inert since. I wondered if we''d ever see each other again.

    "Unfortunately, it is a one-way trip," the Great Mother said. "We can open the portal on this end, and it receives but there''s apparently no altar to return you. You''ll have to take the Pontifex to safety on your own."

    "Where?" I asked.

    "That is up to you," the Great Mother said, being incredibly unhelpful.

    "Gotcha," I said, taking my place beside the others. "Let''s do this."

    The South Asian-looking priestess from earlier walked in with what looked like a six pack of unmarked glass bottles before handing them to me. "You should also take these."

    I took them from her hands. "Okay."

    YOU HAVE RECEIVED SIX POTIONS OF REFRESHMENT

    "What do these do?" I asked.

    "They restore your entire spell compliment after it''s been expended," the Great Mother said. "I expect you''re going to need a great deal of magic in order to deal with what you find there."

    "Dracula''s Castle" from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night started playing on my bracelet and I wondered if that was legally allowed.

    I nodded and handed them over to Agata, who would get more out of it than anyone else despite my status as a sorcerer. She''d gone up a couple of levels herself thanks to killing Chernabog and while it seemed to drive her crazy that spells were uploaded into her mind directly, the extra firepower would help tremendously as would her healing spells. We could have used a dedicated healer as well as a dedicated spell-slinger but Agata handling both roles was better than nothing.

    "May the goddess bless you," the Great Mother said. "Radu the Impaler is the only vampire member of the Thirteen. He is the son of Veles, the Son of the Dragon, and without any of his father''s redeeming qualities."

    What a strange thing to say given Veles was attempting to kill everyone in two worlds.

    With that the portal opened and looked like a pool of glowing water coming into existence.

    I walked through first.

 Book Two - Chapter Ten - The Village of the Damned

    I''d never teleported before, which was something I could theoretically do at will now since I''d unlocked the fast travel system at Level 5. What did teleportation feel like? It was an experience of feeling like you were on a roller coaster running down a line of lightning as it travelled from one spot to another. It was also over in an instant, taking only a few seconds for your body to move from one place to another.

    For once, I wasn''t the one made queasy by the experience of rapid movement and I saw I wasn¡¯t alone in this. Bloodstorm was puking his guts out over the side. The Rose sisters looked like they were suffering vertigo. Even Sparky developed scales as well as a tail, showing he was losing control over his human form. Jon, at least, took a moment to steady himself on a nearby overturned wagon.

    The first thing that struck me about our new surroundings was the smell. It was a rancid, putrid one that I''d come to recognize all too well: death. It came in a variety of flavors here ranging from old decay to recent rotting meat. It was a smell I''d rapidly become accustomed to in the Southern Kingdoms.

    The village of Bloodmoon was a once-grand city with stone buildings reminiscent of the Roman Empire that had since collapsed into ruins. Jagged mountain peaks jutted out of the ground through half the village as well as a large chasm, the rise of the Death Mountains having destroyed this place.

    The locals had rebuilt as best they could, creating wooden shacks and straw hovels inside the remains. Their attempts to restore what had been lost had been doomed from the start, though, because Veles forces had poured from the ground and overwhelmed everyone who had been foolish enough to remain. They''d either been enslaved, forced to swear allegiance to Veles, transformed into the undead, or some combination thereof. All of this had been detailed in the item descriptions of the Bloodmoon game, by the way.

    In the distance from the village, there was the sight of Castle Bloodmoon. It was the only part of the city that had been untouched by the death of Perun and creation of the Death Mountains. It was less a castle than a second city with massive towers and walls that dominated the skyline to the North. To its East, the newly risen Death Mountains ended just barely before the castle''s edge with a waterfall pouring down into a chasm beside it. The waterfall was polluted with algae and up against crimson rocks that gave it the hue of blood in the sunlight.

    We were presently in the town square, and it was noticeably blocked off with all exits around the portal, alleyway or street, covered in wooden walls decorated with spears or spikes. Plenty of these spears and spikes had been decorated with human remains. Some of them looked quite fresh. There was a single exit from the town square in a large well-paved road that led from our present position toward Castle Bloodmoon.

    There were no people to be seen.

    "Huh," Jon said, flying to the top of the inert doughnut shaped portal we''d just walked through. "You know, for once, I don''t have any quips to make."

    "Really?" I asked. "I mean, I''ve got Dracula, Ravenloft, Castlevania, and Resident Evil 4 jokes all ready."

    "Yeah, but they all seem a bit obvious," Jon said. "Pointing out the creepy Eastern European village ruled by vampires looks like a creepy Eastern European village ruled by vampires doesn''t really have the kind of zing I require from my reference-based humor."

    "Radu is a disgrace to vampire nobles," Bloodstorm said. "A properly run territory is full of happy free-range food. This is just a shithole."

    Ania gave him a sideways look.

    "What?" Bloodstorm said. "It''s true."

    "This used to be full of people," Agata said, her voice uncomfortable. "Radu maintained a stable population of humans not only for his own food and amusement but because he tried to maintain the pretense, he was a living lord with living people. The locals tried to help me when I made my escape. Now they''re--"

    "Gone," Ania finished for her. "With Veles forces on the move, there''s no need to maintain the illusion."

    "This is a place Blade, D, Buffy, and Alucard would make a killing at," I replied.

    "Which Alucard?" Jon asked. "Hellsing or Symphony of the Night?"

    "Yes," I replied.

    Agata sighed. "Aaron, I know you use the jokes only you get to hold back your fear, but could you be more circumspect when I''m surveying the graveyard of what is very likely many friends?"

    I paused. "Sure."

    "A moment of silence," Jon said, lowering his head. "Okay, that''s done. Let''s go rescue the loli pope."

    "We don''t know she''s loli," I said, surveying the roads for a route to the castle.

    "She''s an adolescent girl in a Japanese game world setting adapting Western horror sensibilities," Jon said. "She''s absolutely going to be loli."

    "I see that promise lasted a while," Agata muttered.

    "I didn''t promise shit," Jon said, looking down at Agata. "You cope your way, I''ll cope mine."

    "I don''t know what a loli is and I don''t want to," Ania said. "There''s movement around us."

    Temple bells began ringing in the distance. They had a menacing quality to them as I felt the hairs on the back of my neck start to stand up with every peal. As if a shadow was spreading throughout our surroundings, I saw the movement Ania had detected before me. Shuffling, shambling, and stumbling movements of bodies that were arising from all the buildings around us.

    "See, now this is a George Romero moment," Jon said, looking around. "Think how much would be lost if we weren''t able to bring him up."

    Out of the sides of the ruins around us moved the remains of Bloodmoon''s peasantry. Their faces were bloated gray masses of rotting tissue with white eyes that leaked a kind of horrific green pus. The books described the disease of Deathrot as one of the great scourges of the world, first brought by the Twisted Gods during the Black Death in the 13th century and coming back in the 1940s. Those killed by deathrot rose as undead carriers that existed to spread it as it grew in their rotting bodies. More The Last of Us than Dungeons and Dragons zombies. Deathrot could only be healed by magic and was capable of reanimating even those not killed by the plague if spread by Veles'' cultists. The deathrot wights, as they were called in-game, weren''t just zombies, though. Zombies were something that just attacked mindlessly and could be put down easily enough. Deathrot wights, disturbingly, maintained enough low cunning to be able to use weapons as well as rudimentary tactics. It meant we might well have a bunch of traps laid out here for us.

    Sparky transformed fully into a dragon. "Let''s get em!"

    "They''re not our goal," I said, taking charge and pointing toward the wide-open path leading to the castle. "That way!"

    "This is a bad idea," Ania muttered.

    "Then you lead!" I snapped.

    Ania grunted something that sounded like approval for my attitude. Unfortunately, I almost immediately cursed myself for not thinking things through. I''d just reminded myself the Deathrot wights were not mindless and they wouldn''t have been stupid enough to leave a massive escape route directly leading to the castle (or at least their master wouldn''t have been).

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    Along the rooftops of the buildings beside us were Deathrot wights taking position with bows and arrows. I''d forfeited any right to call myself the group''s leader by leading us into a killing field. Ironically, the only reason we hadn''t been cut down in a hail of arrows already was because they needed to get into place.

    You should abandon them, my swords whispered. You have boots of speed. You can escape. Leave them behind.

    You would sound a lot more convincing, Audrey, Audrey Junior, I said, giving them names, if not for the fact I already killed the god you were possessions of.

    That shut them up.

    I lifted my shield over my head, trying to defend the others as much as I could while running while shouting for an ARMOR spell. It was not good to multitask this much, but the shield absorbed a couple of arrows that would have struck me if no one else. Bloodstorm had several more arrows bounce off of his plate mail, showing to efficiency of wearing armor manufactured for Veles'' late champion. Even Sparky took an arrow into his tail, though his thick dragon hide meant he only responded with an ouch. Those were good signs but we had a lot of road left to cover.

    Ania, surprisingly, came to the rescue. "Wait, is everyone staying behind for everyone else?"

    "What?" I asked, confused.

    "Yes, kinda!" Agata shouted.

    "Don''t!" Ania shouted back.

    My confusion evaporated when Ania disappeared into a shadow that appeared before her, and she appeared thirty yards down the road ahead of us before doing the same. I''d forgotten that she was significantly better trained than me and had access to magic of the dark moon elves.

    Seeing her sister was safe, Agata lifted her staff and shouted, "DIMENSION DOOR!"

    Instantly, Agata appeared to be beside her sister, far away from the rest us. That triggered Sparky to spread out his wings and take to the air. The pony-sized dragon flew up to the side of the building closest to us and blast them with a torrent of golden white flame, incinerating six or seven deathrot wights right there. Jon, who was a bird, moved a lot faster than me and moved to catch up with the women in our group.

    "Can you move there?" Bloodstorm asked, jogging behind me.

    "Yes," I admitted, blocking another pair of arrows.

    "Then do it!" Bloodstorm said. "I''ll be fine!"

    I believed my friend and activated my boots of speed, moving twice as fast as I normally could. With the enhancement of the ring of ogre strength, each step was stronger than it normally would have been. I couldn''t maintain my pace for long, but I was able to move out of the killing field to join the Rose sisters, especially as Sparky''s attacks hadn''t so much defeated them but forced the dozens of deathrot wights to regroup. They''d still overwhelm us with sheer numbers, but we had overcome our first trial.

    At least, that was what I thought until I saw what had caused the Rose sisters to stop in their current position. The road ended in a makeshift arena, the road sealed off by another makeshift wall covered in spears. This had previously been a marketplace but had been converted into, of all things, an open air laboratory. There were electrical pylons, scalpels the size of swords on a huge wooden table, a sewing needle spool the size of an oil barrel, fluid-filled glass jars with sparking wires sticking out of them, and bubbling vats full of greenish fluid. I questioned why it would be located here instead of indoors until I saw the centerpiece of the place.

    In the center of the former marketplace was a thirty-foot-tall iron cage where a patchwork creature of flesh, steel, and other things was imprisoned. It was twenty-five feet tall with the body made from pieces taken from trolls, dragons, and creatures I didn''t recognize. Its face reminded me of, and don''t hate me for this, Sloth from the Goonies crossed with Frankenstein.

    Enormous scars and stitches were everywhere across its body with the classical metal bolts in its neck. Lightning crackled around its body, and I could see a smaller person-sized cage on its back inhabited by one of the deathrot wights. There were a bunch of levers in the cage, and he was dressed in blood-splattered apron with a pair of goggles on his face.

    "Yeah, that''s a giant flesh golem alright," Jon said, taking rest on one of my pauldrons. "Complete with mad alchemist pilot. Haven''t seen one of those in a while. Who runs Bartertown? Master Blaster runs Bartertown!"

    Bloodstorm jogged up behind me, breathing heavily. He had a few more arrows in him but not serious injury. "What did I miss? Oh, hell yes. That''s worth beserking form."

    Sparky set down beside me. "Awesome!"

    "No, not awesome," Ania muttered.

    The flesh golem kicked open the door of its cage, walked out, and lifted a bus sized club into the air. It let out a deafening roar and I felt sick to my stomach. Hundreds of deathrot wights had gathered along the rooftops surrounding the marketplace to cheer on our deaths. Some of them even jumped into the arena to join the fight.

    "Dammit," I muttered. I was supposed to be the leader here and I''d stupidly rushed right into danger. There was only one thing to do now: rush even further into danger. I had an insane plan that I never would have considered had I been thinking in my right mind. However, I was still feeling heady from my time with Zorya and the blades at my side were thirsty for blood. The rush from being in danger obliterated my common sense but that had never been my strong suit anyway. "Leave this to me."

    "Leave what to you?" Ania asked if I''d gone insane.

    Which I possibly had.

    I pulled at the Blades of Chernabog and charged at the flesh golem, shouting a war cry that I was pretty sure was from Skyrim. I tried to remember every lesson Zorya taught me and that my magical enhancements meant nothing if I didn''t know how to use them.

    The flesh golem swung its enormous club down at me and I rolled forward rather than away, moving under its tip as it buried itself in the dirt.

    I rolled under it, harnessing my boots of speed before shouting jump as I leapt into the air and landed on top of the club next to the flesh golem''s wrists. The flesh golem had lowered its head and I saw its malformed gray face that was a network of patched together flesh. Steel bolts and copper wire fused it all together as I saw electricity passing through them.

    One of its eyes was yellow and serpentine while the other was a human shade of blue. Both of them stared at me with agonized fury. The flesh golem''s existence was probably agonizing and another time, I would have been filled with pity. Instead, I stabbed down with both of the scimitars, impaling one eye each.

    "Feed!" I shouted to my swords, feeling genuine blood thirst for perhaps the first time in my life.

    Gladly, Audrey and Audrey Junior said in stereo. Their blood to your blood.

    "Arghhhh!" The flesh golem shouted as it reared back, screaming and flailing its arms.

    I held onto my swords as they sunk deeper into the creature''s eyes.

    The Mad Alchemist on the back of the flesh golem shouted and screamed, trying to regain control over his construct. I released my grip on the Blades of Chernabog, dropping onto its shoulder and almost falling off.

    On one knee, I aimed at the Mad Alchemist and shouted, "DIVINE BOW!"

    A glowing bow, completely made of light instead of just conjuring arrows of it like Ania''s, appeared in my hands. I pulled back while taking aim at the Mad Alchemist. He was undead and I felt an intense hatred make my strike more precise. Me and my friends used to joke that the preferred enemy of Rangers meant that they had hate crimes as as a special ability. Right now that didn''t seem so funny as all I could think about was how much I wanted to destroy the undead creature.

    I released the arrow a second before falling off the side of the flesh golem''s shoulder, tumbling toward the ground. I didn''t see if I''d hit it or not but aimed my palm at the ground before using a trick I''d learned from Zorya.

    "PUSH!" I shouted.

    The air forced its way up and instead of hitting the ground directly, I bounced with only the mildest of pain. It wasn''t as good as a gentle fall spell and required precise timing, but it was an exploit that I''d managed to pull off. I almost didn''t get to enjoy it as I had to roll out of the way of the flesh golem almost smashing me as it screamed in its blindness. The Mad Alchemist''s cage was on fire and it was screaming inside, having lost control over its construct.

    The flesh golem, my swords still sticking out of its eyes, pulled out its club and began smashing everything around it. This included the barrier between us and the road leading on to the castle. Villagers who had previously been cheering it on were knocked away and kicked in the air like footballs. The vats of greenish fluid were overturned, pouring out poison and acid that made the arena an even more dangerous obstacle course. Deathrot wights wielding bows started firing again but this time at the flesh golem that they''d been cheering just a few seconds earlier. That just let the blinded creature know where to swing next.

    My unearned sense of self-confidence passed, and I noticed I had two arrows buried in the back of my armor. Checking my bracelet, I saw I''d only lost 2 HP due to the fact that my armor had absorbed the majority of it. Even better, my swords dissolved in the flesh golem''s eyes and reappeared in my hand. We had a helluva distraction now and the sun was still in the sky but wouldn''t be for long if we didn''t get a move on.

    "Huh," Ania said, staring at what I''d done.

    "Okay, was that a cutscene or did Aaron suddenly become Rambo?" Jon asked, confused.

    "The absorbtion of divine energy must have affected him more than we thought," Agata said, staring.

    "I''m willing to check for doppelgangers," Bloodstorm replied.

    "Yay, Aaron!" Sparky said, jumping up and down.

    "Run!" I shouted, waving for them to follow.

    We were intercepted by a Vukodolak in giant wolf form almost immediately, followed by a group of car-sized spiders, and then had deal with a banshee singing forth the ghosts of the dead from the village cemetery.

    It was going to be a long fucking night.

    And yes, I used the f-word.

 Book Two - Chapter Eleven - The Vampyre King

    Well, that was the mother of all extended flashbacks. Seriously, if I''d kept going on, I might as well have labeled it a prequel. Still, that was how we''d gotten from there to here. Here being standing before an enormous pair of golden doors at the top of a forty-foot-long stone staircase that had extended up to a tower at the top of Bloodmoon castle. The golden doors were decorated with stylized images of impaled victims while the staircase was open air, giving us a view of the massive structure. Beyond was Prince Radu the Impaler, the Vampyre King, Master of Castle Bloodmoon, and his prisoner, the Pontifex of Mithras.

    Hopefully.

    I didn''t want to mention it, but I wasn''t confidant of our chances to find Pope Joan I alive. The Dark Undermaster novels were among the darkest fantasy out there and took a particular joy in pulling the rug out from under any attempts at genuine heroism. Try and rescue someone? They were already dead. Try to do a good deed? It ends up worse than if you hadn''t gotten involved. We were rushing here because Radu was a monster with a habit of treating both men and women in a less than gentlemanly way. Unfortunately, she''d already been here for a while and there was no telling, well, how bad it had been here. I wasn''t about to put my faith in the Great Mother''s proclamation that Mythras would protect her. After all, the man who put his faith in the gods to protect him was frequently disappointed when they expected him to save himself.

    Our surroundings weren¡¯t helping my mood either. Reality was out to holiday at the top of Castle Bloodmoon with the moon being super-large, blood red, and long over us like a malevolent deity. Giant bats hovered around the staircase, threatening us but never quite making a move to attack. Probably because they knew their master wanted to deal with us personally. The bottom was about two hundred feet down and I had to wonder what sort of crazy magic had been used to create this place. The wind was freezing cold and battering us even without the storm that looked to be coming in on us. I could even see Bald Mountain¡¯s peek looming over the rest of the Death Mountains like Everest had been popped into the middle of Eastern Europe. While it didn¡¯t have a malevolent red eye looming on top of a tower, a perpetual storm swirled around it that let me know Veles was in-residence.

    "Okay, take a moment to breathe," I said, reaching the base of the entrance. "I really wish I''d invested more attribute points into CON."

    "Yes, it''s tragic for you non-flying types," Jon said, smugly. Mind you, he wasn''t flying but just hitching a ride on my shoulder.

    "Do we have any restoration potions left?" Ania asked.

    "No, but I can REFRESH us," Agata said, casting the lesser magic on all of us and restoring our ability to move. Seriously, climbing up that had sapped a huge amount of our enthusiasm for attacking the Vampyre King and I had to wonder if the scream we''d heard had been a lure.

    Sparky growled. "We should stomp him now!"

    He was really into rescuing the pope and I had to wonder if it was because she was also, technically, a Princess.

    "We''re almost there," I said, trying not to look over the side of the stone staircase''s bannisters. "We need a strategy, though."

    "Yes, because our running away from everything strategy has worked out so well," Ania replied, annoyed.

    "We used every bit of our magic to get this far," I replied, annoyed with her attitude. "We needed an army to take this place."

    "An army would have just gotten killed," Bloodstorm replied. "Still, we could have used more of super-badass Ranger Aragorn than chatty introspective Aaron."

    I glared at him. "You try leading then!"

    Agata puffed up her chest, which was considerable. "I would happily take the burdens of--"

    "No one asked you!" I snapped, once more feeling off. It wasn''t like I was developing an urge to kill people but more like I was just perpetually irritated. It was like I was back in my cubicle at Epic DungoneeringTM and everyone else was an ungrateful a-hole.

    It was not a feeling I liked.

    "Listen, you dirty...peasant!" Agata said, searching for an insult.

    "Hey!" Bloodstorm said.

    "Err," Agata said, looking down at her feet in embarrassment. "Not that being a peasant is a bad thing. I mean, some of my best friends are--"

    "How close are you to leveling up?" Ania asked, interrupting her sister digging a hole for herself. Which was impressive given we were this high up. "We need every advantage we can get against Radu."

    "Lemme check," I said, glad for the distraction. I called up my bracelet''s interface and looked at the experience log, which was something I rarely consulted. I recorded everything we''d done, said, and fought.

    + 20,000 EXP (Giant Flesh Golem)

    + 10,000 EXP (Mad Alchemist)

    + 1000 EXP (Drive Flesh Golem Mad)

    + 15,000 EXP (Deathrot Wights)

    + 5000 EXP (Vukodlak Lord)

    + 5500 EXP (Giant Spiders)

    + 2000 EXP (Diseased Merfolk)

    + 2500 EXP (Ghostly Ballroom Dancers)

    + 1000 EXP (Mimic Privy)

    + 4000 EXP (Demon Jester)

    + 1000 EXP (Defeat Demon Jester in Riddle Contest)

    + 2000 EXP (Cannibal Slimes)

    + 10000 EXP (Solve the Mystery of Castle Bloodmoon)

    + 2500 EXP (Lesser Vampires)

    + 2500 EXP (Lesser Mummy)

    Level 8 to Level 9

    100,000/135,000

    "I''m going to say the Mimic privy is just cheating," Jon said, looking over my shoulder. "A mimic treasure chest? Fine. Let the dungeon looter beware. Something that eats you when you need to use the bathroom? That''s just cruel, especially when they don''t usually address that in the video games."

    "I shouldn''t have eaten before we left, I know," Bloodstorm said, looking guilty. "However, I was trying to show the cooks at the tree how to prepare an exotic dish I learned in your world: the burrito."

    "Meats and vegetables wrapped in bread have actually existed since the Bronze Age," I said, momentarily once more back in a mindset where such things were relevant. "Yeah, I''m still a long way from Level 9."

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    I was dramatically overpowered for a typical 9th level character with a lot of endgame equipment and bonuses from my Divinity score. However, that didn''t really close the gap between me and my companions. They were far more experienced than me, literally, and were constantly facing things beyond our level.

    The "game" as designed by Weis and Veles was meant to be played slowly with months of content. The problem was that real people were dying and the scales was weighed heavily in favor of evil. Worse, we were in a world where you only got one life and failure was not an option. Resurrection coin notwithstanding.

    "So, no chance of leveling up before we face Radu?" Ania asked.

    "Sorry," I said. "I would have thought the riddle contest would have put us over the top."

    "Kudos on that one, Aaron," Jon said. "I never thought the answer to ''Why did they bury the Old King of Ledziania in a gold coffin?'' would be, ''because he was dead.''"

    "Why else would you bury him?" Sparky asked, confused.

    Solving the Mystery of Castle Bloodmoon had been free EXP as we already knew that Radu had murdered his brother, made a pact with Veles, and tried to steal his future sister-in-law. It was written on his Undermasterpedia entry. I''d just had to pretend to follow the clues at the wedding chapel and crypt. Still, it had laid to rest his brother''s spirit and unlocked the secret passage through the clocktower.

    "We can''t wait any longer," I said, pausing. "We''ll just have to go in there at our present level."

    "Did you finish upgrading the Dragon Pit?" Ania asked, surprising me.

    "What?" I asked.

    The Dragon Pit was the sole remaining upgrade we hadn''t purchased for Dragon Keep. It cost 50,000 GP and that was enough to field a small army. Dragon Keep had originally been the home of the Ledzinian royal family''s dragon keepers but that had been centuries ago. All the current dragons were either the victims of curses or descendants of the people supposedly transformed by Roman alchemists. Still, having killed Chernabog, we had the money. Dude had come with a whole hoard.

    "Maybe that will put you over the top," Ania said.

    I was about to argue with her that I wouldn''t have forgotten something so basic. After all, completing Dragon Keep''s repair was part of the main quest. There was no way for the headquarters of the Dark Undermasters to be able to host the armies necessary to defeat Veles unless it was fully restored. That was the reason why Veles'' forces kept attacking it. I also didn¡¯t recall any rewards listed for finishing the quest, but the interface wasn¡¯t exactly accurate all the time either. It was less like a properly made computer program than a living organism pretending to be a computer program. Perhaps trying to communicate with me in a shared language between us.

    I checked the interface. "Huh. It seems I didn''t finish upgrading it."

    "Seriously?" Agata asked.

    "I''ve been busy!" I snapped.

    "Seriously, Aaron, you need to take some fantasy valium," Jon said. "Ask Ania to give you a hand job."

    "A what?" Sparky asked.

    "After," Ania replied, once again showing it wasn''t just the men in the party who were crass.

    "I''ll give you one if it will help," Agata muttered.

    Ania glared at her sister.

    "What?" Agata asked, confused.

    I pulled up the interface and spent the money. I was very glad that it didn''t count toward my weight limit.

    UPGRADE DRAGON KEEP Y/N?

    I hit Y.

    Almost immediately, there was a triumphant fanfare that I could barely hear over the howling winds. A storm of freezing rain began pouring down on us.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Home Sweet Home

    50 (A) - Fully Upgrade Dragon Keep

    MAIN QUEST COMPLETED - Upgrade Dragon Keep

    Reward: 50,000 EXP, potion of dragon transformation [permanent]

    Level 9 to Level 10

    25,000/250,000

    "Yes!" I said, feeling myself hit a new level. It was a bit like an electrical charge to the butt, a sudden jolt that caused you to sit upright.

    NEW MAIN QUEST ADDED: Upgrade Crossroad Village (0/15)

    * Hire Militia (cost 10,000 GP)

    * Upgrade Militia I (cost 20,000 GP)

    * Upgrade Militia II (cost 30,000 GP)

    * Upgrade Militia III (cost 50,000 GP)

    * Upgrade Town Walls (20,000 GP)

    * Restore Fort (cost 50,000 GP)

    * Upgrade Blacksmith (5000 GP)

    * Upgrade Armory (5000 GP)

    * Upgrade Fletchers (5000 GP)

    * Upgrade Livery (5000 GP)

    * Construct Clocktower (5000 GP)

    * Construct Alchemical Refinery (10,000 GP)

    * Construct Aqueduct (10,000 GP)

    * Construct Sewer System (20,000 GP)

    * Construct Academy of Magic (50,000)

    "Oh, you''ve got to be fucking kidding me," I muttered. "They want me to gentrify Crossroad Village?"

    "You disgust me, Aaron," Jon said. "You do any of this and you know they''re going to kick out the dwarves to build the aqueduct."

    "Not necessarily," Bloodstorm said. "They could do what they did in your world and build nice country estates for the humans outside of the village while building the aqueduct over the dwarf parts of town."

    ¡°Can we focus on the leveling up?¡± Ania asked. ¡°Please.¡±

    I nodded. In the end, I made a choice to level up my WIS out of fear that the Blades of Chernabog were influencing me. I also noted that I had access to the Ranger spell, SUNSTRIKE, that was one of the best weapons against the undead. I could have chosen REVIVE DYING or SUMMON PLANAR CREATURE, but I felt this was the best option right now. After all, if you weren¡¯t going to survive your next fight then you shouldn¡¯t be thinking about the ones thereafter. I also noticed my Lesser Magic list was maxed out, which told me that I needed to raise my intelligence further. I had to wonder what my limits were as a demigod now.

    ARAGORN ¡°AARON¡± BARTKOWSKI

    LVL: 9

    CLASS: UNDERMASTER SORCERER (MASTER RANGER)

    ALIGNMENT: GRAY

    AGE: 34

    SEX: MALE

    RACE: HUMAN (Demigod)

    STR: 12 (19)

    AGI: 10

    CON: 11

    INT: 20

    WIS: 10

    COM: 15 (16)

    CHA: 13 (14)

    ARMOR CLASS: 27

    ATTACK: +5 (+15 to ATTACK, 1d10+10/14 [Undead] DAM, Sword [Bleed])

    HEALTH: 48

    DIVINITY: 3

    FEAT: Taunt, Sword and Shield, Two Handed Fighting, Tracking

    SPECIAL ABILITIES: ARCANE FIRE (1d6+6 INT bonus, Eldritch Damage), BLOCK (requires shield), LESSER MAGIC (unlimited times per day), COUNTERSPELL

    SPELL LIST (MAX/4/3/3/2/1):

    LESSER MAGIC EFFECTS: CLEAN SELF, CREATE FOOD, CREATE FIRE, CREATE WATER, MINOR ILLUSION, REFRESH, TELEKENESIS (1 Kilo per INT bonus), VENTRILOQUISM, MEND, TORCHLIGHT, SILENT WALK, IDENTIFY MAGICAL OBJECT, LESSER SENDING (Party Only)

    [1] PUSH, CURE, JUMP, ARMOR

    [2] WEB, ANIMAL SUMMONING

    [3] SUGGESTION, LESSER CHARM, CURE (II)

    [4] POLYMORPH OTHER, DIVINE BOW

    [5] SUNSTRIKE

    STATUS EFFECTS:

    * Alchemical Stone (Red): +50lb carrying capacity

    * Blessing of Mokosh: +1 to COM, +1 to CHR

    * Ring of Ogre Strength: STR is 19 when wearing this

    * Boots of speed: Double Movement Speed, Dodge Roll Bonus

    * Ranger¡¯s Mark: +4 to hit/damage against Undead

    * +2 to all Saving Throws [Divine]

    ¡°There we go,¡± I muttered. ¡°I no longer have low WIS, just thoroughly average wisdom.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t worry, Aaron,¡± Jon said. ¡°You¡¯ll always be an idiotic idealist to us. You know, unless you go full Anakin Skywalker on us. Then I¡¯m sure Ania will kill you.¡±

    ¡°Oh, no, I¡¯ll join him,¡± Ania said. ¡°Anakin is the evil knight who betrayed his order, right?¡±

    Jon did a double take.

    Before I could respond, the golden doors slowly began to open with an enormous creaking noise that was straight out of a horror movie. I couldn¡¯t see beyond an unnatural darkness that seemed to congeal in front of the door.

    ¡°It seems Radu got tired of us waiting,¡± I replied.

    ¡°He gave us a chance to rest,¡± Bloodstorm muttered. ¡°How sporting of him.¡±

    ¡°The hunt is everything to him,¡± Agata said, disgusted. ¡°Whatever was a decent person and defender of his people, if such a person ever existed, died centuries ago. He¡¯s just the Son of Veles now and Lord of the Vampyres.¡±

    ¡°Real vampires are elves,¡± Bloodstorm corrected. ¡°They refuse to die when their spirit tree dies and become a person who feeds on the living to survive. Radu is just a wannabe that made a pact with his daddy to become one. An imposter or, as they call them in Aaron¡¯s world, a wannabe.¡±

    There was a crack of thunder in the air nearby, as if the very elements didn¡¯t care for Bloodstorm¡¯s insult.

    ¡°Let¡¯s go have a chat with the dungeon¡¯s boss,¡± I said, lifting my swords in front of me and walking forward.

    Right into the lion¡¯s den.

 Book Two - Chapter Twelve - Bloody Tears

    I wasn''t kidding about entering the lion''s den. The heraldry of House Leu was everywhere with its brilliant scarlet background with a golden lion crushing spears in its mouth. Radu''s mortal lineage had been extinguished, largely by him, but the banners encircling us showed that he took a great deal of unearned pride in his heritage.

    The tower was home to Castle Bloodmoon''s throne room. The decor was suitably menacing with a chandelier consisting of spears aimed downward, some of which had skulls affixed to them. Paintings lined the circular chamber with one of them showing the Princess Elizabeta, the woman possessing an eerie resemblance to Agata. I saw no sign of the Pontiff but there were doors lining the walls that might contain her or other prisoners. There were no windows in the room, and it was illuminated, instead, by witchfire torches.

    At the North end of the chamber was a small staircase leading up to the Scarlet Throne where our opponent was sitting. Radu had unnaturally pale skin, long black hair, and angular features that made him look like a particularly bulky elf despite solely human heritage. He''d been frozen in his late forties, early fifties, and being a vampire hadn''t restored any of his youth. He was also clean shaven, which was peculiar among the male nobility of the Southern Kingdoms.

    He was wearing a long red cape over a silk shirt and leather pants that made think he''d somehow escaped from one of Anne Rice''s books rather than Bram Stoker''s. In one hand, he was holding a brandy sniffer full of red fluid that I suspected wasn''t wine. His posture was bad with his body draped over his throne rather than properly sitting in it. It was a look that was meant to project absolute contempt.

    Ironically, Radu wasn''t quite handsome enough to pull off the look, though, as hard living meant he was a bit wrinklier than one of the bodice rippers involving the undead would put on their covers. Indeed, there was something almost pathetic about how he was trying to present himself.

    "Tommy Wiseau," Jon said.

    "What?" I asked.

    "From The Room," Jon said. "Come on, Radu, say, I did not hit her. I did not. It''s bullshit. Oh, hi Mark!"

    I stared at Jon. "I never saw that movie."

    Jon looked annoyed. "Philistine."

    Radu, unimpressed by Jon''s statements, stood up and flicked his cape back as if to catch the wind coming in from the open doors behind us. "I am pleased to finally make your acquaintance, Garland of Nowhere. You have done me an immense service by bringing back my wayward bride."

    "I am no bride of yours!" Agata hissed with genuine hatred. Her eyes flash an uncharacteristic rage and I was afraid she''d launch herself directly at the vampire versus launching a bunch of spells as smart.

    Radu laughed, his voice cold and mocking. He gestured to the portrait resembling Agata. "Do not be a fool, Elizabeta. Veles promised me that I would one day meet again with my beloved and the God of Evil has granted. You will become one of the undead as your mother and feast upon the Chosen Servant of the Sun God. With that, we will hold an exalted place in the courts of darkness that will follow."

    "Our mother would never join you," Agata said. "You filth!"

    Somehow, she made that sound worse than any curse word.

    "Besides, she''s not the only pale skinned brunette in the Southern Kingdoms," Ania said, trying to join in with Jon''s style of banter but not very good at it. Really, she should stick to being stoic and menacing.

    "Where is the Pope?" I asked, feeling like the uncharacteristic straight man as I kept my weapons out.

    Radu narrowed his eyes that had turned completely scarlet with no whites or irises. "A place you will never find her, Bastard of Perun. Your child was one of several prisoners I took in my lord''s name and the desecrations I intend to subject her to will only be outnumbered by the ones I will subject you to. You will be a castrated catamite that will service every monster in my dungeon."

    "Damn," Jon said. "You know that means--"

    "I know what it means, Jon," I said, dryly.

    "You will pay for spilling your seed in my wife and claiming to be her husband," Radu said. "Just as she will pay for being an adulterous harlot."

    "Wasn''t she married to Ivan Crookback first?" Jon asked.

    "Yeah, but they never consummated it," Bloodstorm said. "Also, Old God believers can get divorced with only the woman''s consent in Ledziania, unlike the Empire where it''s a man''s world. FYI, I''m feeling a bit ignored in all this pre-fight trash talk. Is this a race thing?"

    "Err," I muttered, uncomfortable because I absolutely believed it was a race thing. Radu had ignored Bloodstorm completely despite being Agata''s current lover.

    "It''s because you''re a dhampyr elf-ogre, I''m sorry," Jon said. "Some humans just can''t deal with that."

    Bloodstorm nodded. "Thought so."

    Radu finished his glass and threw it to the side, shattering it against the side of the portrait as I saw a little blood trickle from a cut against his face. "Enough of this! Let the blood of godlings be spilled and nourish my ascension to my father''s right hand! Die!"

    Radu moved faster than anyone I''d seen in my life and I barely managed to block his fist going for my face with crisscrossed blades before he kicked me in the stomach, sending me flying against the wall of his tower interior. Ania struck with her own blades, causing blood to fly out from his back, only for him to conjure a rapier made of blood that he stabbed her in the shoulder with.

    "Argh!" Ania shouted, the blade piercing through one end and out the other.

    Bloodstorm moved to fight Radu mano-a-mano and swung his maul, striking the vampire noble in the chest. It might as well have been striking a wall made of cement, except I was pretty sure that Bloodstorm would have at least chipped off some pieces if he did that. Instead, Radu retaliated by placing his hand on Bloodstorm''s face before a red mist appeared between his fingertips. The blood magic caused Bloodstorm to, if not scream, then let out a wail of agony.

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    Radu had made an intelligent move coming into melee range with us as it prevented any of our longer-range abilities from being used. Agata couldn''t cast a fireball in the middle of our group, though I half-suspected she would have if it would have finished him off. Instead, she shot forth a blast of lightning instead. Unfortunately, that also seemed to do a minimum of damage to the monster and I wondered if the undead could be electrocuted at all.

    "Burn!" Sparky shouted and blasted Radu in the face with the full force of his fiery breath. That caused Radu to light up and become a Roman candle in the middle of our group. Unfortunately, for us, it just made him even more dangerous as the chamber filled with his mocking laughter.

    "Fire?" Radu asked, incredulously. "I am a child of the Underworld! I bathe in the flames used to torture the damned! Let us see how child dragon fares when I have broken his will and set him to burn you!"

    The burning stopped as Radu''s clothes had all been incinerated along with the outer layer of his skin. However, the damage done to him started healing over immediately and he pointed at Sparky, who was backing up in fear.

    "I command you to kill your own party!" Radu said, his voice echoing and unnatural.

    "No!" Sparky said, a red aura appearing around him as he seemed to be struggling with an unseen force.

    "COUNTERSPELL!" I shouted, pointing at Sparky. I had no idea if this was magic that Radu was working or if it was innate ability of vampire nobles. I was about to find out.

    Sparky shook away the mind-control and growled, clawing at Radu before being knocked away by an errant blow.

    Yeah, we were getting our asses kicked.

    "You will regret that, Garland," Radu said, once more making use of his vampire super speed and rushing to my side before grabbing me by the throat. Radu pushed me up against the wall of his tower before gesturing back to the center of the chamber.

    A half-dozen bloody figures rose from the floor as if being brought up by a hidden elevator. They were an armored knight, a stereotypical looking wizard, an elven archer, a priestess of Mokosh, and two Dark Undermasters. These were the ghosts of those heroes who had sought to challenge Radu in the past before finding their souls enslaved to the castle''s dark lord.

    That was when I had a plan.

    I jammed both of my swords down into Radu''s knees and caused him to finally display pain. The magic of the dead god of ill fortune was enough make him twist his face in disgust. Unfortunately, it wasn''t enough to get him to let me go. It did give me enough of a delay to hold my hand out on his face, though.

    "PUSH!" I shouted.

    Radu moved back maybe two feet, letting go me of me but otherwise completely ruining my plan.

    I fell to the ground in a ruined heap. The blades were no longer in my hands and hadn''t absorbed any of Radu''s life energy, perhaps because I''d let go of them but also maybe because they''d have preferred him as a master.

    "Is that supposed to have impressed me?" Radu said, displaying his fangs as he glared down at my prone form.

    "TELEKINESIS!" Agata said, wrapping the whip of light around Radu''s throat then pulling him back into the center of the chamber among two his summoned minions. The other four were battling Bloodstorm, Sparky, and a wounded Ania.

    "DIVINE BOW!" I shouted, not willing to trust Arcane Fire alone and firing. I didn''t aim at Radu, though, but at the chain holding up the chandelier of spears instead. It was a perfect shot and dropped the enchanted spears down on all of them. Radu was impaled by six different spears while his minions dissolved into hellish flames.

    Jon, who was sitting on a bust of Radu, having clawed a couple of the ghosts during the fight, said, "Man, I hate these bosses with their own health bars. They break all the rules."

    That was when Radu started forcing the chandelier up and the spears out of himself. "Fools! Do you really believe this is enough to destroy me? You come here with your swords and your holy water and think that is enough to bring an end to the one who resurrects from death each time? I am the king of my kind! Son of Veles, Student of the Scholomance, and Apprentice to Koshchei! Necromancer supreme and blood magic master!"

    Radu started transforming in that moment, gaining massive amounts of muscle and a fine coat of fur as he became, not a batman or wolf like you''d expect, but an enormous humanoid lion. The lion had draconic features, including a reptilian tail and fire coming out of its mouth, if there was any doubt about him being Veles kids. It also stood about nine feet tall and towered over even Bloodstorm.

    "And he has a second phase too, great," Jon muttered. "I hate these games."

    Ania managed to fire an arrow of light one handed with her teeth (since it was a magic bow with no strings, this was less ridiculous than it sounded). Agata unleashed her fireball at Radu despite his earlier resistance to flame and it exploded, just covering the center of the tower with flames. Bloodstorm, ironically, picked up her whip and swung it around clumsily to nevertheless strike the lion man in the shoulders. Sparky, much to my surprise, imitated Radu by creating a dragon man form that looked pretty badass. It almost distracted from the fact he was a kid in a life-or-death situation.

    "You will die by your own blades," Radu said, pulling the Swords of Chernabog out of his knees that had been there the entire time. I just hadn''t noticed in the fact that he was becoming akin to a a stop motion monster that would have been CGI in today''s horror movies.

    "Hit em with your sun blast, Aaron!" Jon cheered me on from the side.

    Instead of criticizing the bird for giving away my plan, I decided to take an extremely dangerous risk and aimed my hand. "SUNSTRIKE!"

    My hand filled with a glowing yellow-white orb of power before a beam shot forth out that lanced across the room like a chugging locomotive. The beam promptly sailed past the lion man''s side and struck the wall behind him.

    "Oh, you''ve got to be kidding me," Ania muttered. ¡°You missed?¡±

    "No," I said. "I didn''t."

    I really hoped I''d figured out things because, otherwise, I was going to look real stupid in the few minutes I had left before my death.

    Radu, himself, looked confused then started back at where I''d thrown my spell. A look of unmistakable horror was visible on his deformed leonine face before he burst out laughing. It was a mocking tragic laugh that I recognized as the kind of one I''d given once I''d realized just how screwed I was with the contract I''d signed at Epic DungeoneeringTM.

    The others looked confused, and I didn''t blame them, but their gaze fell upon the portrait of Elizabeta that was presently disintegrating from the SUNSTRIKE blast. As the paint ran down from the inside of the frame, it caught fire as if a lesser vampire struck by sunlight. Finally, the painting exploded and there was a silence in the chamber.

    "Ahhhh!" Radu roared before spinning around to assault me. It was a last ditch effort from a doomed man. Radu''s body filled with pinpricks of light coming from his inside, like he was suddenly covered in stars. I recast my ARMOR spell and covered my head before I was showered in gore along with everyone else.

    Radu had exploded.

    MAIN QUEST UPDATED: DEFEAT THE VAMPYRE KING 1/1

    SIDEQUEST(S) UPDATED: DEFEAT THE THIRTEEN 2/13

    REWARD

    + 80,000 EXP (Radu the Impaler)

    + Robe of the vampyre

    + Ruby of greater charm

    + 20,000 GP

    Level 9 to Level 10

    105,000/250,000

    "He slimed me," I muttered, wiping off my face.

    Agata burst into laughter.

    Ania downed one of the healing potions, we''d taken, blanching and coughing. Probably because they were made with blood. After clearing her throat, she looked at me. "He was a lich, not a vampire. How did you figure that out?"

    I walked over to the Blades of Chernabog and picked them up. "Well, he was making a lot of references to coming back from the dead. He mentioned Koshchei. There''s also the fact everyone talked about him being a fake vampire. Add in all the magic he was throwing around as well as the attention he was drawing the painting, I figured it was a good possibility that he was a lich pretending to be a vampire. From the way you described him, Agata, I figured he''d also be the kind of guy to keep his soul jar in plain sight just to screw with people. Plus, I also saw the little cut on his face when he threw his glass against the painting.¡±

    Ania stared. "So¡­you guessed."

    I sighed. There was no respect for the lost art of deduction. "Let''s just find the pope."

 Book Two - Chapter Thirteen - Rescuing the Pope

    "Well, I, for one am grateful that you have superhuman intelligence," Bloodstorm said. "I didn''t pick up on the fact Radu would be stupid enough to keep his soul jar in his own throne room."

    Bloodstorm walked to the doors of the tower and proceeded to close them. Outside, we could hear screaming even though there was no way we should be able to hear them through the storm and distance to the tower.

    Like I said, reality was out to lunch in Castle Bloodmoon.

    "What''s going on outside?" I asked.

    Bloodstorm lifted a large wooden beam and blocked the doors, meaning we were effectively trapped in the blood-soaked room. His face was heavily burned from Radu''s magic but already starting to heal, which told me that his dhampyr blood was more than just cosmetic. I was glad since we were already running low on healing magic. Agata was casting CURE spells on Ania''s arm while we were having this discussion and we''d all taken a beating.

    "Radu is dead, dead," Bloodstorm said. "At least until Veles resurrects him. When a vampire noble dies, their offspring either revert into corpses or become vampire nobles themselves if they''re strong enough. But because he was a lich, they were probably all just mind-controlled and held back from tearing each other apart by his will alone. That means this place is about to become am abattoir."

    I wiped away the blood in my eyes.

    "Well, more than it already is," Bloodstorm said. "That means it''ll be even harder to escape this place than it was entering."

    "Tell me something I don¡¯t know," I said, looking for a towel and wondering if I should use the tapestries.

    "How weird it is the Eastern Empire is actually West of Ledziania," Jon said. "I mean, it''s called the Eastern Empire. Shouldn''t it be in the East?"

    "It stands in for the Holy Roman Empire," I pointed out. "Which is West of Poland. The Turqish Lands and Death Mountains are West, the Rus lands are North, and the South is the Coast."

    "Yes, hence, the Eastern Empire is not East," Jon said. "I dunno why this is bugging me. I think falcons have in-built geography issues. I also want to dive bomb everyone''s hair."

    "The Empire goes underneath Ledziania and has a peninsula that is East of it. Sort of like a curved Italy or Florida," I said, thinking about details from The World of the Dark Undermaster Saga coffee table book my mother got me for Christmas. "But I presume the map makers were from Albion or the Carolingian Kingdoms and referring to the fact it''s capital is East of New Rome."

    "All of these places are just renamed countries from our world," Jon said, shaking his head. "Seriously, the Southern Kingdoms are just Medieval Europe and Asia all smooshed together with the Middle East between them. Weis should be ashamed. At least when Robert E. Howard stole from history, he used the Bronze Age."

    "Europe and Asia are already smooshed together with the Middle East. It''s why it''s called the Middle East," I pointed out an obvious fact.

    Jon covered his face with a wing.

    "Don''t we have something more important to worry about?" Ania asked, examining her arm before walking to the side of the tower and examining the walls.

    "Hold on," I said, now into this. We should really get some maps on the interface. "Like Aegypta is at the bottom of the continent and not connected to an Africa equivalent. Also, the Southern Kingdoms is in the Southern Hemisphere. Which makes me wonder if the Africa equivalent was in the Northern Hemisphere before it disappeared, and this is world is just upside down. Or maybe the Northern Kingdoms were a wholly original fantasy land like Numenor or Atlantis and--"

    "I''ve found a secret door," Ania said, interrupting. "I think it must lead to the Pope''s prison cell, assuming she''s alive."

    She didn''t sound confidant, and I didn''t blame her.

    "Really?" I asked. "I was just about to point out how Ledziania is much bigger than Poland and covers most of Eastern Europe''s equivalent."

    "Yes," Ania said. "But I absolutely would lie to get you to shut up about my world''s geography."

    "Afrika with a k exists," Bloodstorm said. "But it''s on the other side of the globe and next to kingdoms of Indras as well as the Aztek nations in Hy-Brasil. You need to use a rainbow bridge or portals to travel there due to the sea monsters. Prestor John''s Empire there worships that Middle Eastern deity that''s so popular on your world."

    "Okay, that just makes no historical or economic sense," I said, confused. "You just can''t move cultures around like that and not totally change everything about them--"

    "Please!" Agata said, turning around from where Ania was feeling for a secret door.

    "Oh right," I said, walking up to the wall. "All I''m saying is that maybe Weis should hire Ed Greenwood to straighten out his worldbuilding."

    "Do you ever get tired of treating us like we''re fictional characters?" Agata asked, banging on the wall and listening for the sounds beyond.

    I paused before answering. "I''m currently covered in the blood of your ex-husband after about ten hours of running through a murder house full of monsters. I don''t think of you as fictional characters but I''m about ready to think of myself as one to stay sane."

    Agata blinked then nodded. "Fair enough."

    Agata cast a CLEAN spell on me and then herself. She proceeded to cast it on the rest of the group too. The room was probably beyond the power of sorcery, though. You''d need ten bottles of bleach to get the Radu off everything.

    "You okay, Sparky?" I asked, wondering what he thought of everything. I had a bad feeling this was going to leave lasting scars on his impressionable little mind.

    Sparky had reverted to corgi form and had jumped into Radu''s throne where he was curled up in a ball. "That was awesome! Can we do it again?"

    "No," I said, sighing before turning back to the wall. "Maybe there''s a secret panel or candlestick to pull down?"

    "Speak elvish for friend," Jon said. "Open sesame, bitches! No? Okay then. I really thought the bitches would make the difference."

    "Try a counterspell," Bloodstorm said, showing off his higher WIS than me. "Wizards never use mundane masonry when they can use something conjured by magic, no matter how impractical."

    Agata stared at the wall and nodded.

    Counterspells didn''t work entirely like they did in Dungeons and Dragons. The Mark of the Champion functioned on fantasy RPG rules, but they were extrapolations of how actual magic work and provided a few shortcuts to make them more like the games I''d played before coming here to Ledziania. Like, for instance, the fact we only had to shout the names of spells to work them versus the complicated magical gestures as well as words needed for "normal" magicians. Agata had commented on the fact she had to study a single spell for weeks to learn it and then practice for months thereafter before receiving her Mark of the Champion. Now? Now, she was like me, and the new magic just popped in her head.

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    Counterspells were more like anti-magic than anything else. Once you learned how to do them, you could undo any sorcery if you were strong enough. They could stop spells being flung at you and undo curses. However, tampering with magic was also dangerous. In the tabletop game, if you rolled a 1 on a D20, the spells you undid could literally blow up in your face. It was the reason I couldn''t help her with it despite the fact I, technically, knew how to do it myself. Unfortunately, as Zorya had proven, downloaded knowledge was inferior to practiced application.

    Agata didn''t need my help anyway since she finished her counterspell after only a few seconds and the wall behind the throne disappeared, revealing a jail cell. There were three figures inside with two women, one being on the short side, and a man. The man was as short as the smaller of the two women. They had their hands bound in iron barbed wire and rune-covered bags on their heads. I recognized the runes from my "magic kung fu downloads" as silence spells. The dungeon cell had chamber pots, manacles, and old dried blood on the wall.

    "I really hate Radu," I said, swinging my blade against the door lock.

    It didn''t break.

    "Damn, that would have been cinematic," Jon said.

    Ania pulled out a set of skeleton keys and proceeded to open the door. "Watch the prisoners. One of them or more could be a plant."

    "Trust me, I''m not trusting anything after the Mimic privy," I said.

    "I said I was sorry!" Bloodstorm shouted back from the doors. He was moving just about everything in front of them, which told me he was more worried about what was going on outside than he was letting on.

    I went to the smaller woman first, guessing she was the adolescent Pontiff despite the fact that wasn''t necessarily true. Teenage girls tended to shoot up like bean poles after all. Removing the bag over her head, I saw she''d also been bound with more wire in her mouth. Iron was the worst metal to have on you when you were a wizard and steel wasn''t great. You needed to specially treat both in order to use sorcery according to the Dark Undermaster universe''s rules. That, at least, was the excuse for why wizards only wore leather armor and robes.

    The fourteen-year-old girl was, thankfully, not a sexualized doll like Jon had speculated. She had puffy cheeks, a chipmunk pair of teeth prominent in her mouth, and a pair of pigtails that were a brilliant white. Indeed, she was excessively adorable and immediately conjured feelings of brotherhood as well as a strange desire to give her a noogie. It clicked with me a second later, she looked exactly like my sister, Arwen AKA "Wendy", did at her age. Well, aside from the Pope here having mystical white hair. My sister hadn''t looked like a Targaryen cosplay. Joan was dressed in a dirty white tunic with a Sun emblem rather than the gold Imperial bull on white with pants underneath.

    Jon settled down on my shoulder and looked down at her. "See? What did I tell you? Loli pope."

    "Jon, I will fry you," I said, simply.

    "Just saying, in four or five years, the fanboys are--" Jon started to say before I knocked him off my pauldron with a smack.

    "Okay, I deserved that," Jon said on the ground.

    "Hold still," I said, cutting the wire away from the Pope with arcane fire in my forefinger tip

    "Radu is dead and we''re here to help," Agata explained to the other two prisoners but not moving to release them yet.

    The two prisoners with bags over their heads reacted but only in a slight way, which made sense since they were still bound and gagged.

    I finished my work with the Pontiff of Middle School.

    She looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look a lot like my dad."

    Well, that was awkward but at least it confirmed she knew who Garland was. Surprisingly, she wasn''t confusing me for him, though. "Yes, those Perun genes are pretty potent. You look a lot like my sister when she was your age."

    "There is no god but Ahura Mazda and Mythras is his son," Joan said. "But yes, with that out of the way, Perun''s genes are impressive."

    "You know that he''s not Garland?" Agata asked, looking down at the girl.

    "Yeah," Joan said. "I met my father a few times before he died. One time, he wanted to rescue me from the Holy See but I told him I could do more for the world inside the Mythraeum than I could outside it."

    "So he knew about you," Agata muttered, sounding once more disappointed by her husband''s decisions--which was becoming a running theme. "He didn''t mention you."

    "He mentioned you," Joan said. "You are the Rose sisters, I assume."

    "Yes," Ania said. "This is Aaron, our, uh--"

    "Associate," Agata added.

    Ouch.

    "Thank you," Joan said. "I am Holy Father Joan the First. I used to go by Asma, but I''d prefer you only use that if we''re trying to hide from the Emperor''s assassins. I''m familiar with the Wise Man''s champions. My father told me about them in a dream. He was, after all, dead by the time they started to appear."

    Agata and Ania exchanged a look.

    "How old were you then?" Ania asked.

    "Almost a woman grown," Joan said. "Thirteen."

    Ania stared. "I hate the Empire."

    Joan nodded. "There''s definitely room for improvement. The Emperor has overstretched the lines of its legions and alienated most of its allies. Its overreliance over slavery has also crippled the economy and lead to vast discontent among the non-landowning classes. Plus, he''s alienated Mythras and let the evil god Veles, the Celestial Bull and embodiment of evil we know as Ahriman, into his court. That''s a bad thing, generally."

    ¡°Ha!¡± Jon said,

    ¡°What?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Remember that Veles said Ahriman was the only God of Evil he respected,¡± Jon said. ¡°He was complementing himself.¡±

    ¡°The bull, the wyrm, and the trickster is a master of many such examples of wordplay,¡± Joan said, proving she could understand Jon unlike most people in the Southern Kingdoms. ¡°He can lie a thousand times without ever telling a single falsehood.¡±

    Well, she was a smart little cookie, wasn''t she? "I''m not sure there''s an acceptable level of slavery to rely on."

    "Agreed," Joan said. "However, even the mild reforms I introduced that would protect women and slaves under Mythras that I tried to introduce to the Senate resulted in the Emperor''s supporters panicking. His position is incredibly tenuous and only the distractions he''s created by attempting to annex as much of the surrounding countryside as possible have kept him being overthrown. Ironically, I suspect his evil chancellor is the only one still capable of managing the cluster...err, issues, created by the corruption as well as mismanagement."

    Jon looked up. "Wow, how bad of a leader do you have to be that the frigging Devil is a better ruler than you?"

    "I dunno, I''ve can think of several politicians the Devil would be a better leader than," I replied. "I suspect Hell, unlike Washington DC, has competency requirements."

    "Mythras blessings upon you, Ser Raven," Joan said, waving to Jon.

    "Nice to meet you, Sailor Rome," Jon said, extending a wing to her. "Can you do a baton twirl with your holy wand?"

    Joan tried not to look confused but failed.

    Ania went to start untying the other prisoners. "We don''t believe in Mythras, Your Holiness. Our goal is to stop Veles by any means necessary and you can keep your preaching to yourself."

    "Yes, you know Mythras as Dazhbog," Joan said. "They''re the same solar deity, except when they''re not. In any case, he''s not happy with Veles. His uncle and father are the enemy of all life as well as corrupted by the Twisted Gods. Veles is just able to resist it much better than the other Old Gods. That''s what Mythras tells me at least. He provides me all my instructions on fighting the war against the Dark One via dreams. Sometimes he brings me tutors. That''s how I met Garland."

    Agata stared, clearly processing what was a cataclysmic shift in her worldview.

    As fascinating as I found that revelation about the universe''s cosmology, I found my attention drawn to the gasps and surprise of my companions. Ania and Agata had gone for their weapons as they''d seen just who the other two prisoners were.

    The first of these was the five-foot-nothing form of a white-haired man with delicate features that could best be described as pretty despite an ugly scar on his right cheek as well as a badly healed broken nose. One shoulder of his was slightly higher than the other but his uniform-like clothing was specially designed to compensate. I recognized him from countless fan art and a decent resemblance to his actor in the TV show: Ivan Crookback aka Prince Ivan von Piast-Jagiellon.

    Less Tyrion Lannister and more polymath shoto boy version of Richard III, Ivan had been disregarded for the kingship for a variety of reasons that mostly amounted to being born too late to make a claim in place of his sisters. He was often the sole voice of reason in the Royal Capital chapters and keeping ahead of the Empire''s plotting. Sadly, his story seemed to be headed to a black end when he''d been framed for the attempted murder of the Mad Queen by Prince Cesare. His marriage to Agata had been dissolved and he''d been sent off to the Dark Undermasters with secret orders to executed along the way. Since he was alive, it occurred to me he could be a powerful ally. He also had a mark of the champion on his wrist.

    Damn.

    My concerns about Ania slitting his throat then and there took a backseat to her reaction to the next prisoner. Ania had recoiled from her as if she was a venomous snake. The woman was an elf with pale skin, a half-shaved head, and leather clothes that were extremely tight but flexible. One of her ears had several piercings as did the side of her lip. She had a kind of fantasy punk look (dungeon punk?) that seemed at odds with the Medieval aesthetic we had around us. She was quite lovely in the, "I will kick your ass if we don''t go down to the tattoo parlor tonight" sort of way. Don''t ask me how I know that.

    Ania spoke her name with shock. "Thistle."

    Oh, her dead lover from the books.

 Book Two - Chapter Fourteen - Reunions and Recriminations

    The tragic story of Ania Rose and Thistle Moondaughter was one of those things where Larry C.C. Weis had taken a traditional (albeit with the same gender) fantasy romance then horribly subverted it. Ania Rose had escaped the capital with Piotr Emberly, only for their group to be ambushed and her life to be spared by the elvish guerillas who''d carried out the attack. These had been the Dark Moon Elves, a group of female ninjas that had been carrying out a guerilla war against the humans of Ledziania for centuries.

    Ledziania''s relationship with the elves was reminiscent of many native peoples struggling against newer arrivals: which was to say rough. The elves weren''t the immortal graceful heroes of Tolkien''s fiction but a bunch of disgruntled hippies with bows. They refused to acknowledge the feudal system of humans and the elves'' attempts to drive mankind out of the region failed utterly. Present-day humanity wanted to expand further into elvish territory to make farmland out of their forests, which only deepened the hostility between the species.

    It was easy to see the elves as the unquestioned good guys in this, but Weis'' handling of the subject was a bit more nuanced. As Garland said, "Being oppressed doesn''t make you a saint, it just makes you oppressed." The elves had launched countless terrorist campaigns over the years against mostly innocent villagers who had often not even been born when their land had been settled. The elves also routinely broke any agreements that they made with humans and regularly lied about the provocations.

    Perhaps the worst example of this was the Old King, Frederick, who had attempted to finally work out a treaty that recognized the Great Forest as a permanent elvish kingdom. He''d ended up assassinated by the Dark Moon Elves who had hoped to trigger a civil war. Well, that had worked, but it had also triggered reprisals against all the elves living outside of the Great Forest. Even the Dragon Queen refused to deal with the Dark Moon Elves and championed integration over separatism. You know, typical fantasy stuff.

    Very Dragon Age.

    Perhaps because of her age or maybe because they sensed her divine heritage, the Dark Moon Elves spared Ania and turned her into one of them. Ania fell in love with her mentor, Thistle, and the two became intimate despite the age as well as power differential. As mean as Ania could be to me, Thistle had been even worse, but it was a relationship that had lasted more than a year. Right up until Jorg the Bastard Knight tracked down the team of assassins, tortured them for the murder of his father, and then executed each before Ania''s eyes. From Ania''s POV, she thought she escaped with a cunning plan, but Jorg''s chapters made it clear he''d let her go since she hadn''t been involved in killing King Frederick and he felt guilty for his part in the Rose family''s murder.

    Now Thistle was there.

    Alive.

    Of all the reactions I expected from seeing a loved one brought back from the dead, the one Ania displayed wasn''t one I expected. Instead of hugging her, kissing her, or just staring in numb shock, she pulled out Lightbringer and aimed it right at the elf maid''s face. "Back the hell up!"

    "Ania? Is it truly you--" Thistle asked.

    "I said back the hell up!" Ania shouted.

    "Lady Ania Rose?" Ivan said, speaking in an aristocratic and erudite fashion unlike virtually everyone else in Ledziania. "I must confess I didn''t expect you to be the one who rescued us? Nor you, Lady Agata, for which I offer my sincerest condolences for being unable to do my husbandly duties of protecting from the vile Radu. I see you are now a Priestess of Mokosh, which means that our lack of consumm--"

    "Back up," Agata said, lifting her staff''s tip to him. "I hold no grievance against you, Prince Ivan, but if my sister wishes you dead then I will be the one to end you."

    "Oh dear," Ivan said, backing away.

    Thistle looked heartbroken by Ania''s reaction.

    "Stranger, could you please keep my companions from being murdered," Joan asked, looking at me.

    "Aaron, Aaron Bartkowski," I introduced myself. "I''ll try but I should point out that it''s easier to handle an adolescent dragon than these two."

    "Hi!" Sparky said to the miniature pope.

    Spotting the corgi for the first time, Joan''s eyes widened, and she walked over as if pulled by an irresistible force and picked up the dog to cuddle. "Please, Lady Roses, I beg of you. Ranger Thistle and Prince Ivan are my companions. They were working with me to try to stop the war in Ledziania."

    "Thistle is dead!" Ania said, not moving her eyes from her former lover. "I saw her get her head sawn off by the Bastard Knight. Do you know who comes back from the dead? Servants of Veles! So, you''re either an imposter or made a deal with the Demon Dragon King."

    "Veles is a bad dragon," Sparky said, getting his ears scratched and panting. "So is Mat Zemlya. I prefer the Great Sky Dragon even if he''s dead. He appears as a giant platinum dragon."

    "Seriously, did Weis just sit down with Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson before stealing everything?" Jon asked.

    As much as I wanted to discuss the fact that TSR may have had access to this world and the secrets of the cosmos, I was more interested in stopping a murder. "Ania, we may want to ask a few questions before we get to the murder."

    "I''ll be over here," Bloodstorm said, looking through some chests he''d found in the hidden prison. "I don''t care if we kill them or not. The only one we''re being paid to bring back is the Mythran girl. Wait, we are being paid, right?"

    I paused. "I''ll have to check the interface. Sometimes we get paid by quest givers and sometimes we get paid by coins magically appearing in my bag of holding."

    It wasn''t actually a bag of holding but my interface directly. It could store all our coinage and a substantial amount of the equipment we carried but didn''t affect the weight of things like the armor or weapons I had equipped. In other words, it worked like Eldritch Ring where you could have 173 swords in storage but had to worry about what you had on.

    "Neat trick," Bloodstorm said, picking a large Catholic-looking high priest''s hat from one of the chests.

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    "That''s mine," Joan said, scurrying over to Bloodstorm''s side and putting it on with one hand. It just made her look even more adorable as anime girl pope. She also picked up a solar disc tipped staff from the treasure chest, one that absolutely couldn''t have fit inside it, and looked like a combination of magical girl and bishop. Which Jon would probably say was somebody''s fetish.

    Yuck.

    "Death is a door that opens both ways," Thistle said, speaking with her thick throaty elvish accent. Which was, weirdly, more Eastern European than anything I''d heard from the actual Slavs. We were talking full on Natasha Fatale here. "How can you doubt that it is the case when your brother, Garland, is here, right now?"

    "That''s not Garland," Ivan said, dryly. "He''s one of the Imposters."

    "Ah, one of them." Thistle sneered in disgust. "I''m surprised you could even stand to be in their presence."

    That was not the right thing to say to Ania as her expression turned homicidal. Well, more homicidal. "Aaron is my ke''tar. Something I never pledged to you or Garland. Say another word about him other than thanks for saving you and your companions'' lives and I will end you."

    "You''re her keytar?" Jon asked. "I haven''t seen one of those since the last time I watched Forgotten Eighties Crap on Epic Prime."

    It meant soul companion. Given Ania''s earlier treatment of our relationship, denying it even existed, it was going from zero to sixty. "Really? I''m your ke''tar?"

    Elves didn''t practice monogamy in Weis'' world so the closest thing they had to acknowledging they loved someone was proclaiming them their ke''tar. It was a basically a vow of devotion and not done lightly among the oath-obsessed race. Ania spitting it out there, however motivated by her ex''s arrival, was a big deal.

    "Shut up, Aaron," Ania said, looking briefly embarrassed. There was even a flash of red on her cheeks.

    "Are you sure you two aren''t married?" Jon asked, looking between us. "I''m getting serious flashbacks from my parents. No, wait, that would require my parents to actually like one another."

    "Ania, that is not an oath to make lightly," Thistle said.

    "Do not speak my name as you have a right to," Ania said. "I stand by my words."

    "Now is the winter of our discontent," Ivan said, quoting Shakespeare. " Made glorious summer by this sun of Piast; And all the clouds that lour''d upon our house; In the deep bosom of the ocean buried."

    "What are you talking about?" I asked, confused.

    "I''m quoting the other Outworlder I know," Ivan said, pulling out a rune-covered monocle and putting it over one eye. I could feel the spell of CHARM PERSON wafting over my consciousness but this time it didn''t work on me, perhaps because of the enhancements to my willpower. "The fact is that Thistle has been brought back from the dead and she was reanimated, indeed, by the Dark Lord. However, our dearest pontifex maximus here, has managed to sever her connection to the hated Dragon God."

    "Hey!" Sparky said.

    "Do not try your mind games on us, Prince of Lies," Ania said, clearly not affected by the monocle''s magic any more than I was.

    "I prefer to deceive with the truth," Ivan said, folding his hands. "But Joan''s magic did help, and it was by her hand that I was kept from the hands of the Emperor''s executioners. It is her hope that we shall be able to thwart the manipulations of Archchancellor Selev."

    He was referring to the fact Veles'' avatar was working in the Imperial Royal Court and apparently doing a better job than the Emperor. Yes, the name was just an anagram of Veles. Apparently, being a god of evil didn''t make you original or innovative.

    "Do not harm him, sister," Agata said, reaching up to put her hand on Ania''s shoulder. "Ivan Crookback''s family has ever been a source of pain and misery to this family, but he was always kind to me when there was nothing to gain by doing so. Ivan is no eviler than our queen. Our former queen."

    "Do you mean my sister the mad or my sister the dragon?" Ivan asked.

    "I regret to inform you, the Dragon Queen is dead," I replied. "The one in Kalizov is an imposter. We were actually sent here to rescue Joan because we wanted to make her the new queen of Ledziania."

    "You wanted to what now?" Joan asked, looking up. "I don''t think I can be both Holy Father of Mythras and ruler of an earthly kingdom."

    "Technically, the Papal States say otherwise," I replied. "Also, I''m pretty sure Mythras would make an exception for you on this."

    I wasn''t sure the people of Ledziania would be any more inclined to accept a priestess of a foreign god than they''d been a woman who turns into a dragon regularly, but it wasn''t like the Mad Queen offered much in the way of an alternative.

    "Huh," Joan said. "You have a point."

    "My cursed sister is dead?" Ivan asked, shocked. He looked genuinely heartbroken, which surprised me.

    Jon looked at Ivan. "No, what we''re saying is the Dragon Queen is dead and there''s an imposter carrying on in her place. Possibly someone Aaron and I know. Aaron''s girlfriend''s ex is back from the dead. His brother is evil. A dead god is trying to take over his body. We''re running out of time until it becomes impossible to save the world. Also, I''m pretty sure the giant blind redheaded swordswoman chick wants to bang him to death."

    "So, normal Tuesday," I added my feelings on the subject. Since I¡¯d taken up the Blades of Chernabog, I¡¯d developed a mean streak I was struggling to control. The thing was, it felt good to let loose some of the irritation I¡¯d been feeling. My calm was gone but I felt stronger. More powerful.

    Cooler.

    Ivan stared at us. "Huh."

    "Huh?" I asked.

    Ivan shrugged. "I''m sorry, the last time I heard anything like that, it was from Garland. I suppose we have a steel rose instead of a black rose. Not the real thing but just as good an imitation as we''re going to get."

    "Steel Rose makes me sound like I''m fronting a hair metal band from the Eighties," I said, pausing to note that that qualifier probably wasn''t necessary. It wasn''t like there were many hair metal bands afterward unless we were counting Finland.

    "Yeah, it''s awesome," Jon said. "I am so jealous."

    "Ania, you can lower your bow now," I said, looking at her.

    "Can I?" Ania asked, staring death at the prince and her former lover. "Can I really?"

    "Yes?" I offered.

    Ania sighed and lowered her bow. "Fine."

    "If the Dragon Queen is dead, there''s no debate," Thistle said. "We have to go to the Great Forest next."

    I felt like I was back playing World of Warcraft during the "classic" years and two guilds were trying to coordinate. Clearly, there were other people trying to "save the world" and attempting to pull it off without Weis or his allies. Unfortunately, that didn''t fill me with a sense of confidence since it was obvious they''d be dead or worse without us.

    "Could someone explain what''s going on?" I asked, crossing my arms.

    "We are, to people who matter," Thistle said, clearly not liking me.

    I had to admit, it influenced me. That and the fact she was pretty punk as well as an elf. Two great tastes you didn''t commonly see together,

    Death. Pain. Suffering. She is one of the Old Blood and sustained by the life of others like me. Do not trust her.

    Shut up, swords.

    I shook my ogling away since, well, I had enough incredibly hot dangerous women in my life. They weren''t like Pokemon to collect.

    Or Pwiffle cards.

    ¡­

    Dammit.

    "Our group, which once numbered fifteen, was torn between two goals," Joan said, stepping in. "Prince Ivan wanted to take me down to the siege of Kalizov to confront his sister. He believes that she is possessed by dark forces and in the thrall of her evil demigod son''s power."

    "Cesare is the son of the Devil," Ivan said. "I know it''s unbelievable..."

    He trailed off as he looked at our group. I suspect one look was enough to get him to reevaluate our credulity, especially after we just got done slaying the Lord of the Vampyres.

    "Right, nevermind," Ivan said.

    "The other option is to head to the Great Forest to prevent the crowning of First Ranger Rhoeas as queen of the elves," Joan said.

    "Why is that a bad thing?" Bloodstorm asked, just wanting to be clear.

    "Because the elves have no queen or king or any nobility," Ania said, coldly. "Rhoeas is Thistle''s sister and was the woman who betrayed us to the Bastard Knight. If she is going to be queen, it is because she plans to submit the elves to the Mad Queen and the Empire."

    "All of those who would raise a voice against her have been killed by the Dragon God¡¯s new agent," Thistle said. "A renegade Dark Undermaster with all of Garland''s talents named Alek."

    Everyone in my party exchanged a look.

    I paused. "Goddammit."

    Well, that decided where we were going next.

 Book Two - Chapter Fifteen - Return to Dragon Keep

    "Well, that settles that," Jon said.

    "Nothing settles anything," Agata said, annoyed. "Are you telling me that just because Aaron''s evil twin--"

    "Cousin," I corrected.

    "Brother cousin," Jon corrected further. "Which goes along with him being an auntfor--"

    I threw a blast of Arcane Fire right below him, sending him flying into the air. "I''m sorry, what was that?"

    "Okay, that was deserved!" Jon said.

    I really needed to get back to figuring out how to cure him of being a raven, well, falcon. If I was going to ever see the end of his whining, I needed to prove that I was a powerful enough wizard to pull it off. Which didn''t feel like something I normally thought but was another feeling I liked. No matter how out of character it was.

    Maybe I was Peter Parker on Venom. I could do the cool strut down the street too. Okay, I needed to get the Spider-Man 3 out of my head.

    "Yes, we''re going to the Great Forest," Ania replied, showing that Agata didn''t have any chance of persuading the others. "I owe the elves, and we can''t let them fall under the sway of the Mad Queen."

    "Polly really hates that name," Ivan said, referring to the Mad Queen Apollonia von Piast-Jagiellon. "Almost as much as being called Polly. Believe me, going South to Kalizov is the better plan."

    "So you can murder the two princes in the tower and become king?" Jon asked.

    "That''s ridiculous," Ivan said. "I only want to murder one prince and he is out among the army, learning valuable lessons in rapine and torture. Probably teaching them now. Admittedly, once he''s dead, I''m sure his mother will recover from her curse and will quietly retire to a nunnery or country estate under heavy guard."

    Ivan said the word nunnery as if he was making a private joke.

    "Where you become king," I said.

    Ivan puffed up his chest, adjusting his monocle. "I admit, it would be best for me to take the role of king. I have many plans for the modernization of the Ledzianian army with Turqish canon and Mongol cavalry equipped with my design for a rapid-reloading rifle. Throw in a recruitment of Grand Duchy mages and hedge wizards to complement our situation? Well, we can repulse not just the Empire but Veles forces."

    The Grand Duchy of Vilnius was the equivalent of Lithuania that was presently a part of Ledziania. I mentioned the Southern Kingdoms were a lot larger than present-day Poland and had been a conquest-minded kingdom on its own before the Empire''s invasion. Because, well, that''s what feudal nations did to one another. It was kind of baked into their DNA. It was the same reason pseudo-Wallachia here was subordinate to the Mad Queen.

    "We have your niece as a candidate," Agata said. "She doesn''t come with as much...baggage."

    Ivan grimaced.

    Honestly, I and a lot of other readers had no idea why so many Ledzianians seemed to think Ivan was an utterly unfit candidate for monarch. It seemed an in-universe mystery where the only living son was overshadowed by his sisters in every way. I wasn''t a fan of primogeniture, nor monarchy in general, so I had no skin in the game. Still, the book version of Ivan had been traumatized by the complete lack of support he had for rulership no matter how intelligent or accomplished he was. He might not look it but the guy had quite a few victories on the battlefield, even if not quite as many as the Bastard Knight. After all, princes weren''t expected to lead from the front, just be on the battlefield. Maybe it was just ableism or maybe there was something about the guy that rubbed the aristocracy the wrong way.

    "I''m sure she''d love to anoint me in the name of her god," Ivan said.

    "Do you even believe in Mythras?" Joan asked, dryly.

    "I''ll believe in any god that wants to crown me," Ivan said, pausing. "Except Veles. I''m not a fan of the whole ''kill the world'' plan. I''m quite fond of living and he seems to want me dead for some reason. Perhaps the fact he was fucking my sister when she was teenager."

    "The Great Forest is on the other side of the country in the North," I said. "We can use the fast travel system to go back to Crossroad, journey to the Great Forest, then use it again to head back to the Eldritch Tree that will take us most of the journey to Kalizov."

    Ania stared at me. "That would cut away a good ninety percent of our travel time. The entire trip would take less time than it would take on horseback from here back to the Great Tree."

    "If we still had horses," I muttered. Well, they had demon steeds.

    I didn''t.

    "Fast travel?" Ivan asked, curiously. He briefly glanced at his bracelet. "Interesting."

    "It''s a form of teleportation," I replied. "We can move anywhere when we''re not surrounded by enemies."

    "Then help us save the elves," Thistle said. "All living things are together against the cause of Veles."

    "Sure," I said, not happy about already having a new mission to distract us but not willing to ignore any news of Alek.

    That was when all our bracelet''s pinged.

    MAIN QUEST UPDATE:

    ASSEMBLE ARMIES TO FIGHT VELES¡¯ HORDE 0/3

    * Prevent Elves from joining the Mad Queen''s Kingdom or Recruit Queen Rhoeas to your cause.

    * (Optional) Recruit the Dark Moon Assassins against Veles.

    * (Optional) Discover Thistle''s secret.

    * Expose the Fake Dragon Queen or make an alliance with her.

    * (Optional) Use Prince Ivan to solidify their claim.

    * (Optional) Convince Pope Joan to solidify their claim.

    Recommended Level: 12+

    Rewards: Army of Great Forest, Army of Ledziania, 100,000 EXP Each

    "Interesting," Ivan said, a sour expression on his face. "Notably, there doesn''t seem to be an option to make me King of Ledziania."

    "I can''t imagine why," Ania said.

    "Neither can I," Ivan said, frowning. "I''m such a charming fellow. Do you have a secret that I don''t know, Thistle?"

    "Fuck off," Thistle said, glaring.

    This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

    The pinging didn''t stop.

    3 TEMPORARY PARTY MEMBERS HAVE JOINED YOUR GROUP

    * Ivan von Piast-Jagiellon, Grey, Male, Human, Aristocrat Bard [Orator] 9

    * Thistle, Black, Female, Elf [???], Dark Moon Warrior [Ranger] 9

    * Pontifex Maximus Joan the First, White, Female, Human, Priestess [Mythras] 9

    "It appears we are temporarily allied," Ivan said, looking at me. "In the most literal sense possible."

    The original quest given to me by the Mark of the Champion had said I was to assemble six companions to fight Veles. So far, I''d assembled four with Ania, Agata, Bloodstorm, and Sparky. Jon didn''t count because he was listed as a familiar. It was possible that any two of these individuals would become a permanent companion while another would leave after events. I wasn''t anxious for that to be the case because, well, a variety of reasons. Not the least being that one was Ania''s ex and clearly affecting her negatively while another was a child even younger than Sparky. It was also possible the six party member limit wasn''t a hard and fast rule. After all, we could be dealing with DLC.

    Okay, no, that was stupid.

    "It''ll be nice to see Dragon Keep again," I said, thinking about the castle I''d accidentally become the lord of. The magical transformations that had been taking place every time we upgraded it had been fascinating to watch. Also, it was my home even if I''d only spent a few days there. Maybe I was a little too eager to cast aside my two-room apartment but there was something to be said for the big life even if you got killed pursuing it.

    "I''ll take us there," Ania said, reluctantly putting down her bow at last and lifting her bracelet.

    "We should talk, Ania," Thistle said, looking at her.

    "No," Ania replied, coldly.

    "So, where did you get that bracelet?" I asked, looking at Ivan.

    "A friend," Ivan replied.

    "Ah," I said, not sure how to pursue the conversation at that point.

    Agata looked defeated. "The Great Mother is expecting us."

    "Face it, it''s a losing cause," Bloodstorm said. "Aaron doesn''t trust her."

    Agata did a double take then looked back at me. "You don''t."

    "Distrust is a harsh word," I said, uncomfortably. "It''s more that I just think we should be making our own decisions on what to do because I don''t believe she necessarily has our best interests at heart."

    "That''s the very definition of distrust," Agata said, sarcastically.

    "Kind of?" I admitted.

    "At least there''s something we agree on," Ania said, looking quizzically at her bracelet. "Why is this not working."

    "We should discuss strategy, Ser Aaron," Joan said, looking up at me.

    "You also are supposed to teach me magic!" Sparky said.

    "I can do both," I said, raising my hands defensively.

    That was when there was a thump. A Jurassic Park-level, just below an earthquake thump.

    Then another.

    And another.

    I noticed the blood pools on the floor were rippling.

    "Ah crap," I muttered. "I think we have enemies nearby."

    "You think?" Ania asked, looking upward.

    Bloodstorm lifted his maul up. "We probably should have departed the moment we looted the area. Whoever wants to be the new Lord of Castle Bloodmoon probably needs to kill the person who took out Radu. Dungeon logic, you know."

    "Is that prison rules?" Jon asked, looking at Bloodstorm.

    "Isn''t that what I said?" Bloodstorm asked, confused.

    "You didn''t clear out the castle before you took down Radu?" Ivan asked, looking up.

    I balled my fists. "No, because I was trying to rescue the Pope!"

    The sheer venom in my voice caused Ivan to take a step back and I swear there was literal wind backing my words up as if my simmering anger had manifested as the beginnings of a PUSH spell.

    "Alright, sorry," Ivan said, intimidated.

    "So, do we dump some cold water on him or perform an exorcism?" Jon asked, looking at Agata and Ania then me.

    "Yes," Agata said. "I admit, it will require multiple sex acts."

    "That''s fine," Ania said, her tone suggesting she was unconcerned with anything but the way I was acting.

    I growled then saw the fear my friends were displaying of me and took a deep breath. "I''m sorry. This isn''t me."

    Joan put her hand around my mind, the other arm still holding Sparky, and I immediately felt better. Calmer. Safer. Less like I was surrounded by a bunch of idiots I was carrying because I was the face of this (adventuring) band.

    "You need a Snickers bar," Jon said. "You''re not yourself when you''re hangry."

    I could use a Snickers bar.

    That was when there was an enormous rocking of the tower. The ceiling above started to crumble with bricks falling between us before the rooftop was ripped off completely. A thunderbolt illuminated the squid-faced frame of a thirty-foot-tall humanoid abomination with four red eyes, dragon wings, as well as a squamous, bulbous frame.

    My eyes widened. "Cthulhu? What the hell is Cthulhu doing in a fantasy game!?"

    Jon stared up at it and spread its wings out. "Aaron, this thing has got two health bars and stats that are off the chain! This is not good!"

    "Belobog the Fisher King!" Agata said, as if this was not something I had a pair of fuzzy slippers resembling. "He has fully succumbed to the corruption of the Twisted Ones!"

    Belobog was Chernabog''s brother and the god of good luck, fishing, sailing, rivers, and fresh water. Basically, a discount Poseidon if you were a nation that was landlocked until recent conquests. He had very little correlation with the equivalent god of Slavic mythology, mostly because there was still an open question if Belobog even existed. Weis claimed otherwise and it seemed that he was fully onboard with ripping off Lovecraft as well.

    Sending one of the four Old Ones after us seemed clearly a violation of my agreement with Veles to "play fair" but I suppose he was the kind of guy who''d reply that it was Belobog coming after me instead of him. Either way, there was no way in hell that we could take him on right now. Veles had released the Kraken, and we didn''t have a medusa head to screw with it. Oh yeah, I''d just quoted Pirates of the Caribbean and Clash of the Titans. I didn''t even like those movies.

    "Mythras'' miraculous might, protect us from this evil!" Joana shouted, spinning around her staff and shooting a massive beam of solar light from its end as a glowing aura of brilliance almost blinded everyone in the room. She''d had to drop Sparky on the ground, the little dog standing protectively at her feet.

    Cthulhu, I mean Belobog, roared as it reared back from the light before vanishing. It didn''t seem like it was particularly hurt but the effect but more like it was taking a time out.

    "Okay, that was a cutscene," Jon replied, looking on approvingly. "Cosmic Moon Power at its finest."

    "Sun, not moon," Thistle corrected.

    Joan, by contrast, looked exhausted. "We need to leave this very second! I only managed to banish him from this plane and he''s a god! The staff is also exhausted!"

    I appreciated her taking the time to do that but didn''t know whether we should bolt for the door or try to summon demon steeds while doubling up. Thankfully, Ania took advantage of the moment of distraction to initiate a fast travel.

    This time it worked.

    The experience of being transported by the Mark of the Champion''s fast travel system was different from being transported by portal. It felt more like reality around us dissolved before reshaping into our current position. It was a deeply weird experience that reminded me of Star Trek''s transporters. Thankfully, I don''t think this involved disintegrating us then resurrecting us. Yes, I''d gotten into that argument with my fellow fans.

    Dragon Keep surrounded us and it was a far different looking place than it had been when we''d first arrived. All the burned furniture had been replaced, all the scorches cleaned away, and all of the cracked masonry repaired. It was no longer empty, either, but full of bustling workers that had turned the ruin into a functioning center for Crossroad village.

    The walls were covered in tapestries depicting the Dark Undermaster''s triumphs and I even saw several individuals I didn''t recognize wearing the traditional black cloaks of the order. Somehow, someway, someone had started training new members of the group despite the organization having been effectively destroyed.

    It was unsettling.

    "Huh," Ivan said, looking around. "When I was sentenced here, I was expecting a place in a much greater state of disrepair."

    Sparky glared at the new Dark Undermasters. "I want a cloak."

    Agata looked as confused as I did. "It wasn''t this busy when our family ruled here."

    Ania turned to me. "We should find the castellan and tell them we''ve arrived."

    "Do we have a castellan?" I asked, panting from our close encounter with Not-Cthulhu.

    "That''s me!" one of the peasants nearby said, walking up with his hand raised. He was a middle-aged man with a beefy body-builder''s body and gray mullet that contrasted with his relaxed, slightly stoned expression. I knew him well. "Hi Aragorn! Look at you now!"

    Walking up to him was a woman with long graying brown hair who could have passed for a much, much older version of Joan or my sister. She was wearing a home spun dress and carrying a set of flowers. "We''re so proud."

    Both were in their sixties but looked quite a bit younger, having kept themselves healthy with a naturalistic lifestyle as well as almost supernaturally good genes.

    "Hi dad, mom," I said, recognizing him. A second passed as my brain caught up with my adrenaline. "What the f¡ª"

 Book Two - Chapter Sixteen - Meet the Parents

    It is the rare moment in real life where you mentally rolled to disbelieve.

    I did so.

    Nope, my parents were still there.

    "Plot twist!" Jon said, standing on a nearby statue''s head.

    "Check to see if they''re doppelgangers," Bloodstorm said.

    "How do I do that?" I asked, looking back at him.

    "Well, I mean you have to kill one so this plan may have some flaws..." Bloodstorm muttered, looking away.

    "We are not doppelgangers!" My father said, frowning. He turned to his wife. "We''d know, right?"

    "I dunno," My mother said, looking back at him. "We could be brainwashed into thinking we''re the real thing. Quick, ask us a question only we would know the answer to like when we first showed you The Hobbit. The Ralph Bakshi version."

    "Much superior to the Peter Jackson adaptation," My father said. "Much more singing."

    "Oh hush," my mother said. "You still prefer the animated Lord of the Rings. That combined the Fellowship of the Ring and Two Towers."

    "Rotoscoping is a lost art!" my father said.

    "Yeah, these are your parents alright," Ania said, looking between them. "The only thing that could make them closer to my mental image would be if they were as lustful as goats but pretended otherwise."

    I grimaced at the mental image that conjured. "Why did you say that?"

    "We don''t pretend otherwise!" My mother said. "We practice free love and open marriage as Eru intended."

    "Oh God," I said, placing my face into my palms.

    "We''ve already recruited Mr. and Mrs. Miller into our tantric therapy circle," my mother said. "She has a lot of tension now that her son is married to a water spirit."

    "Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Bartkowski," Jon said, hoping they could understand him. "Your son has become a Dark Undermaster and is off to save the world. He''s an actual ranger named Aragorn now! You should be very proud!"

    "Kill me now," I muttered.

    "He''s also sleeping with a goddess teaching him martial arts," Bloodstorm said. "So, what they say about women going after men like their fathers is true."

    He was referring to Ania and Tomas Rose, I presumed.

    "Our father didn''t learn martial arts from Mokosh," Agata said quickly before correcting herself. "He got a magic sword from her."

    Joan, Thistle, and Ivan seemed fascinated by this entire embarrassing affair.

    "Sleeping with your martial arts mentor is tight," my father said. "I remember when I was with Cynthia Rothrock. We''d been introduced together by Count Dante and were attending to kumate together. I was on the run from the KGB when I met your mother there."

    "None of that happened, dad," I said, sighing.

    "I was a brainwashed agent of the SB sent to assassinate him," my mother said. "However, your father and I got to talking about Tolkien and I helped him defeat the death squad sent to eliminate us both. Just in time for him to become the first Pole to win the Kowloon Walled City death tournament."

    Jon stared. "I know enough about martial arts to be both impressed and confused by that story."

    "It''s not true," I said. "Any more than my mother used to date Chuck Norris and Burt Reynolds."

    "Simultaneously!" my mother said. "They weren''t into it."

    I decided to interrupt before the last shreds of my sanity were destroyed. "How are you here?"

    "Oh!" My mother spoke up. "Well, we were visited by that nice author you like, Lawrence Weis."

    "I wouldn''t call him nice," my father said, calmly. "Guy doesn''t have an original thought in his head."

    "Be nice," my mother said. "In any case, he explained that you were trapped in a fantasy world and we were fighting the forces of evil. Also, that we might be targeted by the agents of the evil god Veles or the megacorporation Epic DungoneeringTM."

    "Or both," my father said. "I didn''t believe him at first, but that was before I was ambushed at the car park by a bunch of black suited goons. It was the first time I got to rip my shirt and do a flying death kick since the Nineties."

    "I went to make sure Georgie was alright," my mother replied. "I had to shotgun a few bitches to save him, but I got Arwen as well him out of Epic''s clutches. That was when Weis transported us here."

    "It''s like Aunt Em and Uncle Henry coming to live in Oz," my dad said. "Which happened in the later books. Which you''d remember if you hadn''t become obsessed with the mundane trivialities of life."

    "Aaron is what now?" Ania asked, confused.

    My father shook his head. "I raised my son to be an idealistic dreamer and he''s just so...ordinary."

    I glared at my parents then sighed. "Wendy is here?"

    "Arwen is upstairs," my mother replied. "She''s very upset. Thankfully, we''ve gotten the indoor plumbing installed. We just need a full sewer system."

    I checked my bracelet and noted we had just enough after Radu to make one. "Sure, I can do that. So, Weis is trying to move the families of the champions here to Ledziania to protect them? A place that''s filled with monsters, dysentery, and evil empires?"

    My father nodded. "I know, it''s awesome. Reminds me of when I was sent by the CIA to rescue Gorbachev from the coup against him. A lot of ninjas died that day. Clinton tried to drag me back but I was like, no, sir, that was my last mission."

    My mother frowned. "You could have killed Osama Bin Ladin for him."

    "Alek eventually tracked him down," my dad said. "Even if Team Dragon had to let the SEALs take the credit."

    Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

    Thankfully, none of that would make any sense to the others, except for Jon. Turning around, I gestured to my parents. "Sorry for the interruption. Everyone, this is Mikhail and Sasha Bartkowski. My parents."

    "Fine Rus names," Bloodstorm said.

    "Blame our parents," Sasha said. "They were dirty-dirty communists."

    "We''re anarchists," Mikhail said, putting his arm around his wife and squeezing her.

    "Different pairs of parents, just to be clear," Sasha said. "There''s a lot of incest here in the Southern Kingdoms."

    "Tell me about it," Jon said. "Aaron''s mentor is his great aunt."

    "Zorya Dawnbringer was born from the sun meeting the world''s sky," Ania said, clearly not happy with Jon usurping her joke. "She''s not his aunt."

    "Oh thank god," I muttered under my breath.

    "Did he just claim to have slept with a goddess?" Ivan asked, leaning into Thistle''s side.

    "He''s slept with two," Agata said.

    "One being Ania''s mother," Jon said.

    "Huh," Ivan said.

    "Eh, Ania''s slept with a few divinities," Thistle said. "It''s how she got her light bow."

    "Eh, Mythras was disappointing," Ania said.

    I did a double take.

    Ivan stared.

    Joan looked uncomfortable.

    "Can we not discuss..." I trailed off as I realized that it was pointless to ask anyone not to discuss my sex life in front of my parents. Life was not that kind. "So, my sister is here and Georgie too?"

    "Yes, keep up, Aragorn," Sasha said.

    The prospect of poor Arwen "Wendy" Bartkowski being trapped in a fantasy world wasn''t one that I appreciated, especially since my cousin had supposedly traded his soul (metaphorically or otherwise) for her safety. I needed to speak with her but suspected she''d somehow find a way to blame this on me. Maybe I could use this to convince Alek to reevaluate his allegiances, but I wasn''t sure just how much would be left of my brother-cousin (ugh). After all, once you were willing to work for the Devil, I wasn''t sure how much was left of your sanity.

    "I have high deductive reasoning but low emotional comprehension," I replied.

    "Yes, high INT and low WIS," Jon said, summarizing me in a single sentence.

    "Average WIS," I muttered.

    "Keep telling yourself that, man," Jon said.

    "She''s locked up in her room, sulking," Mikhail said. "Apparently, she was about to become assistant manager at the auto dealership."

    "How terrible for her," I replied.

    Ania stepped forward. "It''s nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Bartkowski. Your son has helped us tremendously against the forces of Veles."

    "We always felt he could do more," Mikhail said. "I always wanted him to be a wandering martial artist like Billy Jack or Caine from Kung Fu."

    "I would have been satisfied with pot dealer," Sasha said. "But no, he wanted to work for corporations."

    "He''s a good man," Ania said, looking down. "Better than I deserve."

    "On that we agree!" Jon said. "Because you are kind of a bitch and by kind of, I mean werewolf levels versus small dog. That''s more your sister."

    Agata narrowed her eyes but kept a strained smile on her face.

    Ania shot him a glare. "I''m trying to be nice, bird."

    "Yeah, that''s why I''m taking my shots now."

    I was getting some real tsundere ("hot and cold" for ye non-anime nerds) vibes from Ania. I thought she was pissed at me for some unknown reason, maybe related to the swords of evil, but then she''d gone and proclaimed me her elvish soulmate. Now she was cozying up to my parents and I wasn''t sure how to react.

    "Ania is special to me," I said. "I wouldn''t be alive if not for her."

    "Aww," Misha said, in her ''I give it a week, tops'' tone that I recognized from previous girlfriends I''d introduced.

    "Well, I''m going to assume that you know most of what''s going on. I''m still not sure why Dragon Keep is packed, though. It was empty when we last were here a couple of weeks ago," I said, unsure how I felt about my parents being here. I was glad I would be able to see them again, but I wasn''t sure Ledziania was any safer than being on Epic DungeoneeringTM''s radar. I was also, apparently, going to need to reevaluate all the nonsense my parents had been telling me about their pasts it seemed as well. Perun''s blood running through their veins maybe, just maybe, might have made some of their stories a bit more plausible.

    "That is my doing, Ser Garland!" a familiar-ish voice spoke and drew my attention.

    The source of the voice was a rotund man with a long black beard and signs of having been once been a great deal more fit. He was wearing formal clothes of the Ledzianian upper class as well as several fine rings plus a gold necklace. I recognized him as Lord Piotr Emberly who, alongside Ania, was probably the last true Dark Undermaster.

    The last I''d seen of Lord Emberly, he was riding off on his steed to the Empire in order to beseech them for help against Veles'' forces. Which, given that the Empire was neck deep in Veles'' schemes, was something I should have warned him as being suicidal. He''d also named me Lord of Dragon Keep and refused to let go of the delusion I was Garland, helped along by Larry C.C. Weis'' magic.

    Lord Emberly was a questionable figure in Weis'' novels, having a fatherly but condescending relationship to the Rose sisters but a significantly better one with Garland. It was obvious he had been reliving his glory days through the latter and had pushed him to be the Overmaster of the order. If you needed a summary, you could do worse than describing King Osric from Conan: The Barbarian, "Once a mighty Northman, now old and sotted." Oddly, he looked about forty pounds lighter and twenty years younger. Which was an impressive accomplishment after two weeks even with alchemical potions.

    "Lord Emberly," Ania said, blinking as if she hadn''t expected to ever see him again. "You''re alive."

    "Of course I am!" Piotr said, walking up and hugging her. "I have returned from the Empire with the full support of the archchancellor."

    "Archchancellor...Selev," I said.

    "Yes," Piotr said. "I was surprised at how quick he was to lend financial backing, construction workers, and recruits taken from the dungeons."

    Well, that''s not ominous. "Super."

    "Selev also sent about a thousand slaves, but we freed them," Sasha said, a frown on her face. "They''re now settling into the village."

    "I''m not sure you had the authority to do that," Piotr muttered. "I mean we could have freed them after they''d done their repairing of the walls."

    Ania glared at him as did Pope Joan. Agata just sighed. Bloodstorm''s expression was unreadable. Thistle looked uncaring. Ivan looked like he agreed. Sparky and Jon were animals.

    "We have the authority of our son," Mikhail said, patting me on the shoulder. "Being the biological parents of Garland. Right, Garland?"

    I stared at him. "Really, dad?"

    "Yes," Piotr said, nodding. "It was very shocking, but your father and mother are recognized as both the Castellan as well as mayor of Crossroad. They''ve managed to get things mostly repaired here in Dragon Keep. There''s even a dragon pit now."

    "Yes," I muttered, unhappy. "Amazing what you can accomplish with money these days."

    Yeah, my parents weren''t hesitant about bending the truth when it suited their purposes. It was part of the reason that I was skeptical about any of their stories. Most kids learned their parents were liars when they were told Santa Clause was real. My parents lied like I''d be able to find a wardrobe to Narnia well into my twenties. Which, yes, turned out to be less of a lie than any of us thought but still annoyed me.

    "The support of the Empire is conditional, though," Piotr said, looking at me. "The Dragon Queen''s forces are almost defeated and soon we will finally have a united Ledziania. Even the elves will be pledging themselves to our service. This is a chance for peace as well as bringing our full forces against the Gods."

    "Yes," I muttered. "Which I''m sure Selev is very interested in doing."

    I wasn''t sure how to tell Piotr that his new patron was the God of Evil because that might require revealing a lot of things about myself. I wasn''t worried about losing Dragon Keep, it was Ania''s family home after all, so much as him trying to kill me. Piotr was a man who, despite his age, was still a brutal and capable warrior. He''d once been a Rus mercenary who had been named a Lord by Old King Frederick before killing a Duke plus his entire hunting party. He only escaped execution by joining the Dark Undermasters and by being Fred''s close friend. To be fair, the Duke had been trying to kill him at the time. Mostly because Piotr had found been with said Duke¡¯s wife and sister.

    Simultaneously.

    "Yes," Piotr said, missing my irony. "However, the price for this is we have to keep a look out for the renegade Prince Ivan and his Anti-Pope. They were last scene traveling with a group of Dark Moon assassins nearby Devil''s Pass."

    I didn''t look back at Ivan or Joan but noted both were in clear view of Piotr. Either he was playing coy or there was magic at work.

    "I''ll keep a look out for them," I said.

    "Good man," Piotr said, hugging me then giving both Rose siblings a kiss on the cheek before departing.

    "Well, that was weird," I said, looking at Ivan then Joan. "Do you have magic protecting you?"

    "Yes," Ivan said, lifting his bracelet. The Mark of the Champion glowed, causing Ania¡¯s as well as Agata¡¯s to do the same. "Joan''s hat protects her identity from enemies."

    Joan adjusted it.

    "It is a very nice hat," I said.

    Ania sighed. "I hate deceiving Piotr, but he is too pragmatic to believe we have a chance of saving Ledziania."

    "Do you believe we can?" I asked, looking at her. "Last time I checked, you thought this was a suicide mission."

    Ania seemed to ponder her response. "You''ve made me believe...we have a small chance."

    I smiled.

    Thistle looked away in disgust.

 Book Two - Chapter Seventeen - The Fire Demon

    "So, your parents are Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bridgitte Nielsen," Jon said, sitting on my pauldron as I went to visit my sister.

    I''d stayed with the rest of the group long enough to get dinner, check out the new flush toilets (so beautiful!), and make sure everyone was safely secured for the evening. We couldn''t stay in Dragon Keep if Veles'' minions were all among us. Unfortunately, putting my family on the road would do nothing to guarantee their safety either.

    I wanted to track down Weis and strangle him for his role in this but the archwizard remained conveniently out of range for any murderous impulses I might be feeling. It was a shame too because it was the thing I wanted to do most other than spend some with Ania now that she was opening up. Well, spend some time with Ania and maybe my parents. I mean, I wanted to spend time with them and I really, really didn''t, if that made sense.

    "Please don''t ruin Red Sonja for me," I muttered, walking along the hallways. "I don''t need to think of my mother as Brigitte Nielsen."

    "If that annoying little kid didn''t ruin that movie for you, nothing I say will," Jon said. "I swear, your mom looks exactly like a chick I saw in an old barbarian flick. It was all in Italian and on Skinemax at 3 AM, but I wasn''t watching it for the plot.

    I clenched my teeth. "The Crimson Sorceress."

    Jon did a double take. "Holy shit. That was her?"

    "It was very tasteful," I muttered. "Joe D''Amato directed and Roger Corman did the American dub and re-edit. Dad was a stunt double."

    "It absolutely was not tasteful," Jon said. "Which is why it was awesome. Oh my God, I saw your mom topless."

    I paused. "Okay, I think it''s a good time for us to practice polymorphing again."

    "I''m sorry, it was very memorable to my thirteen-year-old self!" Jon said. "I just didn''t imagine your parents being this way."

    "Hugely embarrassing?" I asked.

    "Cool!" Jon said. "I was expecting them to be Meet the Fockers and we''ve got Mr. and Mrs. Smith."

    "That''s not going to do them a fat lot of good against the monsters here," I replied. "I can''t believe Weis sent them here."

    "Maybe he didn''t," Jon said, looking up and down the hallway for anyone else. There was no one.

    "What do you mean?" I asked.

    "Maybe Veles assumed Weis'' form in order to send your parents here so he could use them as hostages without them knowing," Jon said.

    I blinked. "That seems needlessly convoluted versus, you know, just taking them hostage."

    "This is a god who showed up to play a children''s card game," Jon said.

    ¡°It¡¯s not a children¡¯s game,¡± I said, frowning. ¡°It¡¯s rated M for mature.¡±

    ¡°Boobies do not a mature game make,¡± Jon said. ¡°Even I know that. I¡¯m just saying Veles is a lot more whimsical than your average dark lord.¡±

    I didn¡¯t have an answer. ¡°Maybe.¡±

    "Also, Pwiffle is awesome, and we should totally be challenging everyone to matches for cash and prizes. We need to Rain Man the shit out of your power."

    "First, it''s not a power," I said. "Second, Rain Man led to a lot of misinterpretations about how autism--"

    "Blah, blah, blah," Jon said. "We need to set up a table at the Black Cat. We can use the hookers as distractions. Cut Maelor in."

    I looked for the door that led to my sister''s apartments. She''d picked the royal guest room, of course. "I have enough issues with addictive behaviors right now. I don''t need you egging me on to other ones."

    Jon paused. "Okay, I assume you''re referring to Stormbringer #1 and #2. How are you handling that, anyway?"

    "I have them buried in a sacred chest in the chapel," I said, pausing. "I can still feel them in my head, though. I think we''re going to need to take extraordinary measures to break my connection to them."

    You need us.

    We can help you.

    Provide you with not only power but pleasure.

    Pleasures unimaginable.

    Just feed us.

    The two voices of the swords had switched to female ones that didn''t help their case but just made their attempt at manipulating me all the more obvious. I mean, I wasn''t that susceptible to my libido.

    ...

    Okay, forget I said that.

    "You think Little Orphan Pope-y can help with that?" Jon asked.

    "Maybe," I said, knowing I could summon the swords into my hands at any moment and wanting their power. They''d betrayed me fighting Radu, though, and I wasn''t going to make that mistake again.

    It won''t happen again.

    You are the strongest.

    We were wrong.

    I ignored them.

    "Yeah, well, I think we''ve got a lot on our plate right now," Jon said. "Pretty Prince Shorty, Heavy Metal Elf, and... actually, I''ve run out of nicknames for Joan. Gimme me a minute."

    "No," I said, finding my sister''s room. It was a pair of wooden doors at the end of the hallway. There were no guards, which was probably a good thing since I didn''t trust anyone here but my team.

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    "They''re trying to steer us on a course to the Great Forest and the Siege, but we shouldn''t let them direct us," Jon said. "We should do what we want and know we''ll get better results."

    "Like play a bunch of Pwiffle and ignore the main plot?" I asked.

    "Hey, it worked for me!" Jon said, pausing. "Until it didn''t."

    I knocked on the door with my fist. "Hey, Wendy, it''s your brother, Aaron."

    "Fuck off!" my sister''s voice replied. "This is your fault!"

    Jon paused. "I''m noticing a pattern of behavior in the women of your family that may explain a few things."

    "This is not my fault!" I snapped back. "I was kidnapped!"

    "Oh yes," Wendy replied through the door, closer now. "I bet banging all the hot fantasy women and learning real magic has just been terrible for you."

    "She''s got you there," Jon replied.

    I frowned. "It''s actually been very traumatic. I''ve had to kill people!"

    "Boo frickin hoo!" Wendy yelled. "You know who also had to kill people? Alek! You don''t see him dragging me off to the Magic Kingdom."

    "Yeah, about that," I muttered, not speaking aloud enough to be heard. I then raised my voice. "Just let me in."

    One of the doors opened and my sister popped her head out, looking like our mother about thirty years younger. Just when my parents had given up on having their own baby and were happy with me, they''d visited a witch doctor (that was how the ''fertility expert'' described themselves), only for Wendy to be born nine months later.

    Wendy pointed at my chest. "Don''t think I''ve heard about your heavy metal band."

    "My what?" I asked, dumbfounded.

    "Steel Rose!" Wendy said, "It sounds like a girl metal band''s name, but I bet you think its a good frontman''s name."

    I opened my mouth then closed it. "Man, word travels fast on nicknames."

    "Just stay out of my business!" Wendy said. "I don''t want you anywhere near me or my son. You''ll end up...Uncle Owen-ing him!"

    I blinked. "I think you mean Obi-Wanning him."

    "Shut up!" Wendy said.

    Georgie''s voice spoke from inside her apartments. "Hey, Uncle Aaron, can I be a ninja? These Dark Undermaster guys seem cool, but they have ninjas, right? I want to learn ninja magic like Naruto."

    "Sorry, ninjas are all women here, kid," Jon said.

    Georgie probably couldn''t understand him and only heard crow caws.

    "No ninjas!" Wendy said, poking me in the chest. There was no sign of her understanding Jon either. Thank God. "Save the world without us!"

    Wendy slammed the door in my face.

    I blinked. "Well, that went better than I expected. I think we learned several valuable lessons there."

    "Yes, you''re attracted to verbally abusive women because of your sister and domineering older ones because of your mother, Auntforker," Jon said.

    I took a deep breath, grabbed Jon by the legs and shoved him in a closet before slamming the door on him.

    "Oh, come on!" Jon said through the door. "Just a little incest humor! You should be used to it by now!"

    "I''ll come back for you in the morning," I said, walking away.

    "I''ll crap all over the place!" Jon said.

    "That''s what servants and magic are for!" I replied, shaking my head. I sent one of the newcomers to open the door after I left but I admit, I didn''t do it myself. The restoration potions were wearing off and I was barely able to get to my room before I collapsed on the bed, sleeping the sleep of the dead.

    Unfortunately, sleep did not provide me rest and I once more found myself in the middle of the Fire Temple volcano central vent. I was kneeling on one knee and once more surrounded by cracks pouring out poison and a shaft that led to the sky. Things seemed difference, though, and more menacing. Possibly because I could see glowing light coming from some of the cracks and could feel the energy gathering below. The volcano was active even if my dream self wasn''t threatened by it.

    Probably.

    "Good evening, champion," Zorya Dawnbringer''s voice spoke like melodic notes in a song sung at dawn. Which if that was uncharacteristically poetic of me, is just how she that sort of affect. Blame her being a love as well as war goddess.

    The smoke in the bottom of the temple swirled and assembled once more into the statuesque Amazon that was now holding two blades in her hand. She was still blindfolded but the rest of her attire was different. Gone were her armor and what replaced it was a red bikini top, loin cloth, and crown that made her look like the pin up version of Wanda Maximoff from the Avengers comics. Back before the movies when they were trying to make her appeal more to fourteen-year-old boys.

    Okay, maybe you had to have been there.

    My attention was drawn from her, well, incredible hotness to the swords, though. They were the Blades of Chernabog and I instinctively recoiled from their presence. I didn''t want anything to do with them anymore. They''d made me feel confidant and powerful, but the price had been my lashing out at everyone I loved. Now my family was here and Ania had said how much I meant to her. I wouldn''t, couldn''t, succumb to them again.

    "Keep those things away from me," I said, standing up. "They''re evil."

    "All weapons are evil for their purpose is to end that which is most precious," Zorya said. "However, sometimes, oftentimes, it is necessary to do some evil to achieve a great good."

    "Not exactly a Tolkein-esque sentiment," I said.

    "John Ronald Reul was a devout Catholic writing about pagan influenced cultures," Zorya said. "As such, there''s a few wires crossed in his books'' morality. Here there is the White Light of Order, the Grey Twilight of Balance, and the Black Darkness of Chaos. All three are necessary for survival. What is good and evil among them depend greatly on the situation as well as one''s own values. What is one man''s good is another man''s evil and what heals one may often destroy another."

    I wasn''t sure how I felt about alignment being an in-universe thing, but I suppose we''d crossed that bridge a while ago. "I haven''t been feeling particularly balanced, lately."

    "You have tasted of the darkness'' pleasures," Zorya said, approaching me in a way that was very enticing. Lots of hip sashaying as she moved. Unfortunately, my attention kept going back to the swords and it shook me out of any amorous feeling.

    "Yeah," I said. "I don''t need any more of that."

    Zorya shook her head. "If there is any word on your character that needs to be spoken, it is the fact that when you did, you recoiled from it."

    "I still want it," I said, thinking about how good it was to feel like I was an unstoppable badass.

    "And yet you are willing to put aside the swords," Zorya said, a few inches from my face. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Do we need a gentle soul, or do we need a warrior?"

    I didn''t have an answer to that. Actually, I did, I just didn''t think she''d like that answer. "I think the murderhobos trying to solve everything with violence haven''t really been covering themselves in glory."

    Zorya raised an eyebrow. "Murderhobos."

    "Someone commented the typical hero in fantasy stories is a wandering vagabond who murders people along the way," I said, trying not to be caught up in her beauty. She smelled like flowers even amidst all this sulfur.

    "I prefer to call them knight errants," Zorya said, throwing the swords into the dirt, the blades embedding themselves in the dirt upright, before kissing me.

    I pulled back after a second. "Um, listen, I really like you aside from some questions of whether you''re my great aunt or not--"

    "I''ve slept with all of my siblings," Zorya said.

    "Right," I said, pausing. "It''s just Ania finally admitted she wants to be in a relationship, I think and--"

    "Do you think she''d care?" Zorya asked.

    I paused. "No, but I might."

    Zorya chuckled. "Do you know what I did to the last man who refused my advances?"

    "Respected consent and didn''t take it personally?" I asked.

    "He''s now a dog who solves riddles," Zorya said.

    I blinked. "Ah."

    Zorya kissed me again and I became aroused despite myself. "I''ll ask again when you''ve had time to think that though. Perhaps we''ll invite your partner and this time not as a sarcastic joke."

    I was uncomfortable here. "Right, uhm, so, we''re here to train?"

    Yeah, I wasn''t going to be able to resist long.

    If at all.

    Zorya took a step back. "I shall not play the Calypso to your Odysseus, do not worry. Besides, I''ve already gotten what I needed from you."

    "You do?" I asked, wondering what that is.

    Zorya conjured a magical staff that was tipped with a dragon around a jewel. "Yes. We do not have much time before the Fire Demon returns."

    "She''s here?" I asked, looking around.

    Zorya lowered her head. "You really haven''t figured out. How is such an incredibly smart man so incredibly dumb?"

    "I''m going to try not to take that as an insult."

    "Why? I''m insulting you."

    Dammit. Jon was right. I was more attracted to women who insulted me. "What do you mean?"

    Zorya sighed. "I am the Fire Demon. I am training you to kill me."

 Book Two - Chapter Eighteen - Overmatched, Underleveled, Out of Time

    I needed a second to process that. "I''m sorry but what the actual fuck?"

    Zorya had a sad expression on her face. "I am the Fire Demon. What you are seeing here now is the portion of my mind that represents the real me. The part I have managed to partition off from the rest of my corrupted self."

    I blinked. "Please, explain."

    Zorya paused for a moment. "When the soldiers of Rome and their priests came to conquer Ledziania, they were armed not just with the power of their god but accompanied by darker cults: the Twisted Ones'' worshipers. The Twisted Ones feed not on the prayers of the faithful or the principles a deity embodies but darker more vile things: dishonor, pogroms, fanaticism, rapine, religious hypocrisy, and slavery. Whatever a god holds sacred, they gain power by defiling. Wherever the church of the Nailed God was corrupt, so were they strong. Wherever soldiers did not keep the faith of Perun, they were strong. Wherever love was corrupted, and women were chattel against my mother''s will, so were they strong."

    "That doesn''t explain anything," I said.

    Zorya did not interrupt her story, though. "Our victory over the Twisted Ones was a narrow one and required linking your world with this one. Most of the other gods had grown lazy and cruel, unwilling to defend Mat Zemlya against the Twisted Ones or reign in their worshipers. If they had any who had not abandoned them. My light father, Perun, promised to stand vigilant, but my dark father, Veles, sought new powers to defeat the Twisted Ones. Because they continued to rise again and again as humans awakened them with their evil."

    I would have asked more questions, but Zorya conjured images of my mind. The Twisted Ones were like demons in some ways but closer to Anti-Gods. They existed to make mockery of everything in Creation and were some real Cenobite-meets-Chaos-looking mothersuckers. Unlike popular mythology, they didn''t tempt people into evil but fed on all of humanity''s worst impulses only after being summoned by them. Still, once they became involved, everything became manifestly worse. They might not have been behind the Nazis but they certainly helped them once they got going. It turns out there had been some serious Castle Wolfenstein shit going on behind the scenes of WW2. That was just the beginning too.

    The Twisted Ones turned gods into horrors and humans into monsters. What was worse than a slave lord? A slave lord with superpowers. Ministers with the power to summon hellfire and bend minds to believe every evil word was God''s own. Rich people somehow even more immune to the law because they could see the future or call down death with magical accidents. The Twisted Ones loved all that shit. That was just my world. On Mokosh, here, where they had actual magic, there had been several low-scale apocalypses: zombies, plagues, demon hordes, the works. All brought about by the evils of man. Each time, driving the Twisted Ones back and binding them was harder. Each time another god sacrificed his entire being to keep them down. It was a losing battle and I saw one god who had wanted to reverse that downward spiral of entropy. I was surprised to find out what god that was.

    "Veles wanted to stop them?" I asked.

    "My dark father hates oathbreakers," Zorya said. "He used to tempt men to wickedness but only so they could rise above said flaws and become tempered steel. The irredeemably evil are of no use to him save as cannon fodder."

    "He seems pretty irredeemable himself," I said, dryly.

    "Now, yes," Zorya said. "He sought the power of the Twisted Ones to feed on so he could fight them without having to rely on mortal prayers. He offered that power to use, and I became goddess of all aspects of war. Not just the honorable, merciful, and defensive but every violent act for good or ill. My brothers and sister made a similar pact. The Great Wars and the Great Darknesses made us desperate."

    "That seems like a bad idea," I said.

    "Yes," Zorya said, in a ''no shit, Sherlock'' sort of fashion. "It was. We became the Elemental Demons, and our power was subordinated to Veles. Our light father was cast down and Veles rose as the ultimate god. He is too powerful for the Twisted One''s influence to dominate completely and maintains much of himself, but his plan is insane. Nevertheless, we will ever fall back under his influence unless defeated."

    That explained a lot but not nearly as much as I wanted. It was also dodging the point of all this. "So, if I destroy your avatar, then you''re...fine?"

    Zorya shook her head. "If only it were that simple. Our avatars are in a very real way our lives. Destroying this body will be the end of this consciousness. A new Zorya Dawnbringer will be born from my follower''s dreams and prayers. I plan on influencing my reincarnation but even that will only be influence."

    "I see," I said.

    I had no pithy remarks or pop culture references. There no humor I could raise as a defense regarding this.

    "Do you?" Zorya asked. "I need you to gather your strength and to learn every bit of tactical skill as well all as sorcerous knowledge I have to impart. All of it will be needed to defeat the Fire Demon that has my full strength."

    I stared at her, remembering how she''d utterly beaten my ass in our previous encounters. "You weren''t fighting at your full strength?"

    "No," Zorya said, looking away. "Your defeat of my brother weakened my dark father''s hold and Weis helped conjure my sanity back from the madness of the Fire Demon, but it is a flickering state. The Fire Demon is a creature of arson and slaughter, delighting in culling the lives of the living for no other reason than the joy of battle lust. All she sees are..."

    That was when Zorya grabbed me by the arm. She was shaking and that was not an action I associated with the super sexy invincible war goddess that I''d only gotten to spend a short amount of time with.

    "Are you okay?" I asked, reaching out to touch her arm.

    Zorya pushed me back and I went skidding across the bottom of the volcano''s floor. That, by itself, was almost enough to knock the wind out of me.

    "No," Zorya said, looking pained. "It''s too soon!"

    "What''s going--" I started to speak before realizing what was going on was all too easy to guess.

    Zorya dropped her staff on the ground and ripped off her blindfold, revealing red eyes that burned like embers fresh from the fireplace. Her mouth began to distort and grew a set of exaggerated fangs like a cobra. A pair of extra arms slowly grew out of her sides, conjuring swords made of fire while her clothes (scant as they were) burned away. From her back grew a pair of wings conjured from hellish flames. Zorya Dawnbringer was known as the Firebird and the twisted parody she was becoming was something that I knew was someone who would burn the entire world if unleashed by Veles.

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    Running away, heading back to the caverns I''d emerged from during my first trip with Weis, I took a moment to be glad this was just a dream even if I didn''t know how to awaken myself. Unfortunately, I was disabused of that notion by the Fire Demon reaching out with both of her upper hands and saying something in a guttural language that the Mark of the Champion didn''t successfully translate.

    Then I was PULLED into this place.

    I can''t really describe what was different given my dream self was identical in every way that mattered to my physical body but I could tell the difference. Somehow, the Fire Demon had physically summoned me from Dragon Keep to the heart of the Fire Temple. I was alone against an enemy who could tear apart a small army. Hell, probably a mid-sized one. There would be no resurrections here.

    "TELEKINESIS!" I shouted, pulling Zorya Dawnbringer''s staff to me and staring at the creature she''d become. "This isn''t you! Fight it!"

    YOU HAVE ACQUIRED A STAFF OF THE DRAGON KINGS

    My mind filled with its dozen or so spells, functions, charges, and command words that would do absolutely jack shit if the Fire Demon got anywhere near me.

    "Weak, gentle, and scheming!" The Fire Demon hissed. Her voice was, I''ll be honest, kind of comical since it sounded like someone with a pair of plastic vampire fangs in their mouth did. Lots of spittle and hissing too. "How could she let you touch her? How could she select you for her rebirth''s sire!"

    I had no idea what the hell she was talking about and was too scared to parse it out. Instead, I turned the Staff of Dragon Kings onto her and blasted her with an frost dragon''s breath that struck the Fire Demon in the face. It barely managed to inflict any damage on the goddess'' avatar before she began hurling fireballs my way while I dodge rolled out of the way, only succeeding because of my boots of speed.

    I understood what Zorya Dawnbringer had been trying to do with her punishing training of me now. Not just to become better as a warrior but to know every one of her moves and how to counteract them. I stayed out of the way of the Fire Demons spinning blades as best I could, utilizing JUMP and ARMOR spells both while blasting away using every type of magical attack within the staff she''d brought with her.

    The Fire Demon chased me around her area in an almost comical fashion as I hurled every possible attack I could against her while remembering the timing that Zorya had drilled into my head with repeated deaths. The blazing rage inside the Fire Demon, no pun intended, was her greatest disadvantage. Every time she opened her mouth, it was to let forth another insult about how I''d defiled her with my weakness. Zorya had made it personal with us and that was its own advantage. Unfortunately, the staff didn''t have an infinite amount of power, and I expelled the last of its energy creating a lightning shield that was destroyed by her conjuring two more blades to attack with four at once.

    I ended up fighting the Fire Demon with enhanced Arcane Fire that was made three times as strong by the staff but still only seemed to barely penetrate the burning aura of the monster. None of my attack spells could do any damage, undead focused as they were, and any animals I conjured here would just die. I was exhausted after just a few minutes of fighting her but that just meant I had to use REFRESH to keep up my attempt to win via a death of a thousand cults.

    It almost worked too.

    I lasted almost six minutes against the Fire Demon in the end, causing her to pause and transform before my eyes. She gained a serpentine tail as her face became noticeably more draconic. I''d successfully managed to piss her off and that would have been a good sign if not for the fact that Zorya and I had never trained in fighting something like this. I attempted to mutter another Arcane Fire spell, only to literally trip on one of the vents and get caught by the Fire Demon''s tail being spun around like a whip.

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED 46 POINTS OF DAMAGE

    In an instant, I went from being unharmed to having been hit with the force of a semi-truck. I bounced against the volcano floor like a skipping stone across a pond. I ended up landing right at the base of the Blades of Chernabog, that had been sitting there untouched throughout the entirety of our battle.

    My strategy to "kite" around the Fire Demon like a butterfly, staying out of range of her swords and dodging her ranged attacks had been a good one. It just hadn''t worked. Maybe if my DEX score had been higher or maybe if I''d just been a little bit better, I might have worn her down, but the battlefield conditions had changed to the point there was nowhere that I could flee. I needed my fellow party members to fight this thing, and they probably would have died if they''d been here from the beginning. I wasn''t willing to sacrifice them, though, and there was no use in pondering what might have been.

    Embrace us, the swords hissed as one. We are your only chance for survival.

    No, I thought back, casting CURE and CURE (II) as the Fire Demon slithered toward me. She was moving slowly now, confidant in her imminent victory. I had no reason to doubt her probable victory even as I tried to pull a miracle out of my ass.

    Or my pocket.

    Hmm.

    Sometimes evil is the only way to fight evil, the swords said. Let us feast on her divine blood and we will pass some of that onto you. You will be the demigod you have been proclaimed but lack the strength to be.

    I have my own idea on surviving, I thought, pulling out the Mark of the Champion I''d recovered from Valentin''s stash.

    Before I could do anything with it, I was suddenly wrapped up in the Fire Demon''s coils as the snake burned my flesh. It was agonizing and I barely could move with my hand sticking between her lower body''s death grip. The monster''s hideous distorted face was more disturbing for its similarity to the woman I''d been intimate with.

    "I will kill you like a praying mantis," the Fire Demon hissed, cradling my face with four burning hands. "You will die in ecstasy and terror all at once."

    I resisted screaming long enough to say one word. "TELEKINESIS."

    The Mark of the Champion slapped itself on one of her hands and I hoped I wasn''t betting everything on a crap shot. But if I was, I hoped it came up a seven or eleven.

    The Fire Demon looked at the bracelet with confusion before suddenly loosing her coils, I was half dead and suffering horrific burns from where my leather armor had been burned into my skin. I wasn''t dead, though, and witnessed the Fire Demon shaking like she was being electrocuted. She thrashed, twisted, and convulsed for several seconds before collapsing on the ground.

    ZORYA DAWNBRINGER/FIRE DEMON DIVINE RANK NEUTRALIZED.

    "Go team," I said, lying on the ground and pulling out the potions of vampiric healing I''d gotten from Radu''s hounds. They tasted like blood, probably because they were made from blood, but they sealed up my wounds. I ended up downing all six even as I found myself choking on the toxic gas that seemed to be all around me now.

    YOU ARE NOW POISONED.

    "Great," I muttered, shaking my head. "Zorya, are you there? Or are you weresnake harpy meth addict version of yourself?"

    Zorya looked up and she had clear black eyes that were all too human. She was no longer on fire either, which probably wasn''t good. I could see she was suffering burns from the hot rocks around her as well but seemed to be ignoring any pain like it didn''t exist.

    "You need to kill me, Aaron," Zorya said, her voice desperate. "Now, before the Fire Demon returns. I can already feel her gathering her strength."

    "Uh, no," I said, staring at her. I felt woozy and my vision was blurry. I was also coughing every few seconds. "That''s not going to happen."

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED -1 CON DAMAGE

    Oh, that wasn''t good.

    "You need to kill me before I kill more...people," Zorya said. "Before I harm our..."

    "Our what?" I asked. "Listen, let''s just fast travel back to Dragon Keep. We''ll borrow the other three bracelets, and you can be our demigoddess super party member."

    Zorya looked up. "I command you to kill me."

    Her mind washed over mine, and I couldn¡¯t resist. Everything went red and when I once more was aware of myself, I was holding both Blades of Chernabog and had buried them into Zorya'' chest.

    "No," I said, staring in horror.

    Zorya looked up, the light leaving her eyes. "Thank you. Find our daughter, Aragorn. Teach her, her birthright."

 Book Two - Chapter Nineteen - Repossessed

    I threw up.

    The injuries I''d sustained from the leather burnt against my skin (healed or not), the poison gas in my lungs, and the fact I''d just killed someone I knew didn''t deserve to die all hit me at once. I hadn''t known Zorya Dawnbringer very well, but the Goddess of Love and War had been someone that I felt a sympathy for. However short a time we''d known each other, she''d been a lover and friend.

    And I''d killed her.

    "I hate this world," I said, realizing just how much it was the awful place that everyone else had been telling me it was. I''d been too overwhelmed by the wonders of magic, fantastic adventures I''d had, and friends I''d made to acknowledge just how vile the cost of living here was.

    Worse, I knew I was going to be rewarded for it.

    "GOD SLAIN," the voice of Perun echoed through the volcano interior.

    The next few moments were filled with my bracelet pinging, and I wanted to rip it off my arm and fling it down through one of the vents around me.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Mercy Kill

    (25) A - Convince the Fire Demon to destroy herself

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - She''s out there, somewhere

    (25) A - Complete Zorya Dawnbringer romance and discover you fathered the God Child

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - TWO DOWN, TWO TO GO

    (50) A - Kill Two of the Old Gods

    MAIN QUEST UPDATED

    DEFEAT THE OLD GODS SERVING VELES (2/4)

    Reward

    +200,000 EXP (Fire Demon)

    +20,000 EXP (Appeal to her Humanity)

    +10,000 EXP (Disable her powers)

    +20,000 GP

    + Crown of the Fire Goddess

    + Katana of the Fire Goddess

    + Wakizashi of the Fire Goddess

    Level 10 to 11

    105,000/375,000

    It felt obscene to be rewarded for this and I was disgusted with the fact that RPG mechanics were being used to measure the value of a person''s life. It was not even the thing I was most worried about, but I preferred to concentrate on it than the other elephant in the room: that I was apparently a father.

    The fact it was only a day or two since I''d been intimate with Zorya and that had been a dream didn''t mean anything. The companion book, The World of the Dark Undermasters, had shared some of the legends about gods and their offspring. They could have children with the same sex, make them out of the elements, or conjure them full grown because, and I quote myself, they''re gods so fuck you.

    I had no idea why Zorya Dawnbringer would choose me to sire a child with. No, that wasn''t right. She''d all but told me, I''d just been too stupid to put together the clues. This new child would be the host for her divinity. The Rachel Summers to her Jean Grey if you will. Zorya Dawnbringer had been corrupted by the Twisted Ones, but the next Zorya wouldn''t be, and she''d have a host to be able to manifest herself with.

    I didn''t know how I felt about that, and a mixture of emotions added to the nausea I was already feeling. I''d been used by her every bit as much as I''d been used by Weis. Somewhere, somehow, a little girl was probably in someone''s crib with falsified memories for her parents. Maybe Zorya had put the child in someone else''s womb because, again, gods can do whatever the hell they want to mortals.

    You were right to kill her.

    It was your destiny.

    Absorb her power.

    The voices of the Swords of Chernabog woke me from my fugue. I stared at the swords that were lying next to the Mark of the Champion I''d slapped on Zorya''s wrist. Her body had faded away and there was no sign of her existence anymore. No, that wasn''t quite right, as I''d gained some unwanted booty from the experience.

    The doom bell was cracked and, on the ground, nearby and a glowing brilliant flame was now burning where it had previously stood. It was another of Mokosh''s sacred fires, restoring the Grand Temple to its previous glory. Apparently, I hadn''t been needed to light it up again and this place was once more under her control.

    That was when the ground underneath me started to shake and split apart. I''d been wondering what sort of revenge Mokosh would inflict upon the forces of Veles this time, but it didn''t take a guy with 20 INT to figure out what she was likely to do with a semi-active volcano. I suspected the Fire Giant Mountains were about to receive the Mount Doom treatment.

    "We''re done," I said, looking at the swords before walking over to pick up the discarded bracelet. "You stay here. I don''t know if the holy lava will destroy you but I''m pretty sure it''ll be a decent try on my part."

    DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON US! the Swords screamed at me. WE ARE YOUR MASTER!

    "Today''s my Independence Day," I said, flipping them off as I pocketed the Staff of the Dragon Kings in my bag of holding. It was out of charges, but it added a significant bonus to my Arcane Fire and presumably other spells. After I did, I started pulling up the map interface on my bracelet.

    This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.

    I really hoped the fast travel system worked here and this didn''t qualify as surrounded by enemies. That was when I fell to one knee and felt the air around me become scorching as the air became almost unbreathable.

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED -1 CON DAMAGE

    Goddammit.

    We weren''t quite to the point where I was going to start burning alive like Anakin on Mustafar but I wasn''t far away from it either. Indeed, I suspected without my ARMOR spell up, I''d already be boiling alive. Maybe the Crown of the Fire Goddess might provide some protection for me, but I was more focused on getting out than anything else.

    I really hoped this wasn''t like the ending of Resident Evil where you had to run as fast as you could through the mansion to get the hell out before it exploded. One, because I had no fucking idea what the layout for this place was due to Weis teleporting me here and two, because I''d still be in range of an erupting volcano even if I somehow made it outside. This was a situation that required a giant eagle.

    Huh, I debated trying ANIMAL SUMMONING but decided to focus on the fast travel option first. This wasn''t the time to experiment. That was when I pulled up the marker for dragon keep and saw: FAST TRAVEL Y/N?

    "Hell yes!" I said, hitting the button.

    That was when I saw the Swords of Chernabog had dissolved and transformed into two vaguely female figures made of smoke. There was an oily quality to them as well that reminded me of, I shit you not, the monster from STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION''s "Skin of Evil" in season one. I don''t recall its name, yes, even my nerdity has limits, but it was the oil monster that killed Tasha Yar.

    Both turned into tentacle of liquid before forcing themselves down my throat. That was when the world around me started to dissolve, the fast travel having already begun before the enemies had appeared. I wasn''t sure if that was a bug in the system to my favor or not. Especially as I was being waterboarded with liquid evil.

    WE WILL EMPTY YOU OUT.

    YOU WILL BECOME HOLLOW.

    WE WILL WEAR YOU LIKE A SUIT.

    THROUGH US, OUR FATHER WILL BE REBORN.

    In retrospect, it may not have been the best idea to wield those scimitars. Yeah, hindsight is 20-20 and I found myself convulsing in a seizure on the floor of Garland''s room in Dragon Keep. I could feel the blackness spreading through my body as horrible memories assaulted me. Most of them coming from the past ten or twenty minutes.

    There was no one coming to save me. Jon wasn''t here due to my locking him in a closet. Ania wasn''t here because, for once, we hadn''t been spending the night in each other''s rooms. I couldn''t even scream because my throat was full of black gooey evil tar that prevented me from drawing breath. I''d almost drowned as a kid at the city pool once, or at least it had felt like it, and this was the closest experience I could compare it to.

    How does it feel, Aaron? The voices spoke in unison in my mind. They assaulted my sanity like Mrs. Grub''s magic and tore through my defenses. Each syllable making me feel small and weak. To have been so stupid? To have tried to wield the powers of the gods when you were just a pathetic weakling playacting as a hero? You were never worthy of being Garland''s replacement. You were never worthy of taking his place in the goddesses'' beds. In his sister''s. You were always going to die here. A wretched failure.

    I''m not Garland, I thought back, crying involuntary tears. I''m not.

    We know.

    I''m much, much smarter, I thought back lifting the bracelet I''d retrieved up my face. It had saved me once, maybe it could save me again.

    ABSORB DIVINE ESSENCE Y/N?

    Y.

    Ah, shit, the two demonic voices spoke in unison.

    Perun''s essence passed through into me from the bracelet and obliterated the two spirits in an instant. Audrey and Audrey Junior didn''t even get a chance to scream. However, there was a cost to the power, and I found myself surrounded by light that seemed to absorb me.

    It was difficult to put into words what the experience of absorbing divine energy was like. In a very real way, it was like nothing else on Earth (or Mokosh for that matter). The first time I''d done it, I''d gotten a god''s eye view of the creation of my home world. I''d seen the seas forming, the mountains, and all that stuff while simultaneously witnessing Svarog conjuring a beautiful woman from Chaos. The next time? Well, I''d witnessed Perun being slain by his brother in battle. Perun had exhausted himself binding the Twisted Ones to their prison in the Underworld while Veles has strengthened himself on their magic. It had been a battle that had ended with the creation of the Death Mountains and devastation across hundreds of miles.

    Now?

    Now was much worse.

    The other times had been cosmic and enlightening but brief. This time? This time, it didn''t feel like I was coming out of it. Indeed, every time I felt like I was about to come out of it, I felt another bracelet get slapped on my wrist before the energy''s eating me up exploded outward again. Each time was like an organ transplant, and I became more like Perun. Perun? Because that''s what was inside me now, or at least an echo of him, well, he became more like Perun each time too. It left very little for Aaron.

    The things I saw.

    Man, I could not describe them.

    Roy Batty had described attack ships off Orion and C-beams glittering in the dark near Tannhauser Gate. Dude had nothing on the things that I experienced by briefly being plugged into Perun''s mind.

    I saw Marduk slay Tiamat.

    I saw Odin do battle with Ymir.

    I saw Michael casting down Lucifer into the depths of Hell.

    Gilgamesh and Enkidu.

    Herakles and Iolaus but no Xena, sadly.

    Battles long forgotten.

    Epic struggles by heroes against monsters.

    Sex.

    Lots and lots of sex.

    Seriously, Perun and I might have shared one thing and that we were both incredibly horny. The guy must have banged virtually every non-virgin goddess in every pantheon. The crossover fanfic shipping I witnessed was crazy.

    Morrigan and Aphrodite.

    Oh, and aliens exist.

    Which, now I think about it, isn''t surprising since how else would you define the races of Mokosh.

    Wow.

    I figured out the trap eventually, though. Perun, or whatever shadow of him existed in me now, was trying to keep me locked up in his memories and exploring the wonders of being a god. He didn''t want me dead but wanted me dissolved like sugar in water. To become him and experience the rapture of just how awesome he was. All I had to do was let him do the steering and enjoy the movie that our life would have become.

    No thank you.

    Ania, Jon, my parents, my sister, Agata, Bloodstorm, Sparky, and others were waiting on me. I had a daughter who was waiting out there for me, though I didn''t know how much I could do for her since I hadn''t even been able to keep my rent up consistently. It was all waiting for me, though, and I was waiting for it.

    Not Perun.

    Not Garland.

    I wanted my own adventures.

    Not theirs¡¯ second hand.

    And I awoke at last.

 Book Two - Chapter Twenty - Awakening

    I woke up in the middle of Garland''s room, lying in his bed. Well, my bed. I was the one who had paid for it, and I was the one who had conjured it with the Mark of the Champion''s magic. I shouldn''t have been feuding with a dead man over who owned a tower in a keep.

    Mind you, my attention as to where I was didn''t last long. I became acutely aware of the fact I was both naked under the bedsheets and there was a warm body pressed against me. A distinctly female warm body.

    Assuming it was Ania, I turned my head to my side and saw Ania standing over the bed in full armor. She was looking down on me. "You''re awake. Thank the gods."

    I looked down and saw the body pressed against me was Agata.

    "Gah!" I said, pulling away and falling out of the bed at Ania''s feet.

    Agata raised herself up and looked down. "See, I told you it works."

    "You tried enough times," Ania said, moving her fingers in front of my face. "Do you know who you are? Do you know where you are? What is the name of the current king."

    "I didn''t do anything!" I said, raising my hands. That was when I noticed my body had responded to Agata''s presence against it. I grabbed a pillow to cover it up. "You can''t hold that against me!"

    "Why would I hold it against you?" Agata asked, confused.

    "Yeah," Ania said, blinking. "Really, wouldn''t it be more of an insult if you weren''t aroused? I know I¡¯d take it personally.¡±

    Ledzianians. They were from a whole other planet. "I''m Aaron. I''m in Dragon Keep. There is no king because there''s a civil war. What the hell happened?"

    That was when I noticed I had some hair falling down my shoulders that was a bright shade of gold. I looked like I''d become a hair metal band frontman. It was especially disconcerting since I''d had brown hair since I was six.

    "It''s been a week since you went into a coma in your bedroom," Ania said, gesturing around. "Though coma isn''t the right word since you were lucid for periods. Well, lucid-ish. You claimed you were Perun and drank a wine casque as well tried to sleep with the Poppy sisters."

    I stared. "I did what now?"

    "You were all about the dragussy. They seemed receptive to the idea until Ania dragged you aware. Not that jealous. No, sir," Jon said, sitting on his nearby perch. He was a raven again. A crow, except much larger than any I''d ever seen. He was almost the size of an eagle and had lightning patterns all over his feathers. Presently, he wasn''t looking at me but at Agata''s uncovered chest. Which was, yes, noticeable. I was trying not to look.

    I turned to Jon to give me something else to look at. "What the hell happened to you?"

    "What the heaven is more like it," Ania said, helping me up as I kept the pillow strategically located. "Jon is now a celestial storm crow. One of the holy messenger birds of Perun."

    "Which and a silver piece will buy me an ale," Jon said. annoyed. "Seriously, still a bird. I can size change and spit lightning. Whoop de doo."

    "A silver piece? Really? You are way overpaying at the Black Cat," Ania said.

    "That''s because ladies drink free," Jon said. "It''s all part of the scam. I think some of the women who go there are illusions too. All of them give the same response when I ask them to let me watch."

    ¡°What happened here?¡± I asked, desperate. ¡°Did we¡­did I?¡±

    Ania rolled her eyes. ¡°No, Aaron.¡±

    ¡°I think it¡¯s a reasonable question,¡± I said, slyly.

    ¡°I performed the right of divine essence sharing,¡± Agata said, looking at me sideways. ¡°Which from your perspective is a warm cuddle.¡±

    ¡°Ah, yes, spooning, the greatest of divine blessings,¡± Jon said, sarcastically. ¡°Truly it brought you out of your coma.¡±

    It might have if it had been Ania. ¡°Gee, thanks.¡±

    ¡°Besides, you were in no state to give consent,¡± Agata said, embarrassed. ¡°Free choice of lovers is not just a commandment of the goddess but an essential tenant of the faith.¡±

    ¡°I also would have broken her arm,¡± Ania said. ¡°I share lovers but not with my sister.¡±

    I was getting a migraine. ¡°Let us never mention this again. Can we move on?¡±

    Agata slid off the bed and started dressing. "Ania beat Perun into unconsciousness when you tried to leave and said that Aaron was gone. She threatened to kill Piotr when he said it was probably better to have Perun instead of you. He seems to have figured out you''re not Garland anyway. She also refuses to let anyone leave for the Great Forest mission either. We''ve been trying to revive you ever since."

    I sat down on the bed, trying to take account of just what the hell had happened in the meantime. My memories were scattered about what had happened during all of this. I had some memories of my body, but they were scattered around the ones I''d experienced from absorbing the Skyfather''s essence. "Uh huh."

    Ania took my hand and squeezed it. "Sorry about, uh, pulverizing your body. I wasn''t about to let anyone walk away with it, though."

    "It wasn''t me," I said. "It wasn''t Perun either. Just a fragment of him. On the plus side, I know how easy it was to get laid after the Battle of Britain."

    "Does that mean you remember banging your great grandmother?" Jon asked. "Because your grandfather was conceived after the Battle of...AHHH!"

    Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.

    That noise came from shooting an Arcane Fire blast over his head that looked like a thunderbolt. There was now a scorch mark on the ceiling''s stone masonry.

    "Huh," I said, looking at my fingertips. "Looks like I''ve got an upgrade."

    "After Joan''s exorcisms didn''t work, Agata tried to draw you back with her snuggles of power," Ania said, clearly not believing a warm hug was a cure all to life¡¯s ills. ¡°We also tried other methods.¡±

    "I''m back now," I said, shaking my head. I had a suspicion about what those methods were. "What happened to your bracelets?"

    Agata took a deep breath, now once more in her robe that was only slightly less revealing than full nudity. Sorry, I was still in a bit of a state after emerging from cosmic awareness of the universe ala 2001: A Space Odyssey to being used as a teddy bear by my girlfriend¡¯s sister. Was she my girlfriend? Something more? That was still uncertain.

    "Ania insisted that we apply our marks to you and have you absorbed their power,¡± Agata said. ¡°She even forced Ivan to give up his. Given there''s no more champions after this, it seemed a prudent course. This will be an all or nothing quest to save the world."

    That explained a few things. It was also extremely touching even if it had probably made the situation manifestly worse. I wasn''t about to tell them that, though. "Thank you. Your sacrifice is appreciated."

    Ania sat down across from me, looked into my eyes. "Aaron, I want you to know something."

    "Yes?" I asked.

    Ania took a deep breath. Then another. "I was really worried. l-love you."

    I blinked. "You do?"

    "Don''t make me repeat it," Ania said, her usual sharpness of tone returning.

    I smirked and decided to take the plunge. We might have only known each other a month but it had been a helluva month. "I love you too, Ania."

    A deep pause ensued.

    One that got awkward as no one said anything.

    Then it kept going.

    "We''re going to have to set some ground rules," Ania said. "Like if I bring home an elf girl, you can¡ª"

    Agata cleared her throat. "Ahem."

    ¡°No!¡± Jon said. ¡°I wanted to hear this part!¡±

    "Yes?" I asked.

    "What in the name of Mokosh happened?" Agata said. "The sky was dark for a day, all of the fire magic in the kingdom doubled in power, and the Mad Queen was forced to retreat from Kalizov."

    "She was?" I asked, confused. That changed a lot of the strategic situation.

    "The Fire Giant Mountains were covered in lava," Ania said. "The entirety of Veles'' Eastern undead armies are gone and an entire legion of Imperial troops moving to reinforce the Mad Queen were buried in ash."

    "That''s good," I asked, taking in the consequences of my actions.

    "Not so good for the villages built at the mountain''s base," Agata said, somberly. "The Imperials had built many trading posts there. A lot of captured slaves died with their masters."

    "Ah," I said, suddenly feeling like shit and losing any of my earlier horniness. Tolkien hadn''t exactly dwelled upon the fact Mordor''s enslaved population had probably all died during Mount Doom''s eruption. It was much the same with the fact that orc babies were a thing, no matter how much Peter Jackson pretended otherwise.

    Great, now I was a mass murderer. Not just a killer.

    "One of the other surviving champions must have killed the Fire Demon," Ania said, not looking particularly concerned. "It certainly makes our job easier, at least."

    "Err, yeah," I said, pausing. "About that. I didn''t get to explain everything that went on during my dream--"

    "Your sex dream?" Agata asked. "With Zorya Dawnbringer?"

    "Mine are usually with Sarah Michelle Gellar and Alyson Hannigan," Jon said, pausing. "Sometimes Anthony Stewart Head. Oh Giles."

    I ignored him, trying to draft an explanation for what was unexplainable. How could you make someone understand a situation you, yourself, didn''t understand? "No, uh, that was me. Weis brought me to train with Zorya and she gave me a lesson. But she was possessed. The second time she summoned me, the Fire Demon took control, and I had to kill her. Someone I was intimate with. I barely survived and the Swords of Chernabog tried to possess me. They''re gone now, too, I think."

    There was a long pause.

    Ania broke it, pulling her hand away from mine. "You idiot? How could you put yourself in danger like that!"

    "You are a man of many miracles, Aaron Bartkowski," Agata said. "Only one other has managed to defeat two of the Old Gods before and Valentin is no more."

    I wasn''t so sure about her numbers since there had been a lot of champions before me. However, reality didn''t "reset" between all of them, only memories. There were a lot of dead people from the previous attempts to fight Veles'' forces and I''m pretty sure people would have noticed the aftermath of a volcano going off. Still, we''d managed to take down two of the Old Ones and that left only two more. Well, two more, and then figuring out how to take down Veles himself.

    "I didn''t have a choice, Ania," I muttered. "There''s other things that went down too."

    "You seduced a goddess and killed her," Agata said, shaking her head. "I didn''t know you had it in you. That''s more Ania''s style."

    "I''ve only killed a couple of lovers," Ania replied.

    I blinked. "Do I want to know?"

    "No," Ania said, sighing. "You can''t take on the Old Gods by yourself, Aaron."

    "Believe me," I said, haunted by my memory of Zorya''s death. "I don''t want to."

    I wanted to bring up that we had to be on the lookout for my possible offspring but wasn''t sure how to bring that up. ''Hey, Ania, did an angel visit you and tell you that you were going to be birthing the daughter of the war goddess?'' Yeah, somehow, I didn''t think that would go down well.

    I didn''t want to deceive her, but I also didn''t have enough information to proceed either. So, I decided to keep silent on that for now. Next time Weis communicated with me, after I punched him, I would ask him if he could locate her. Otherwise, I wasn''t sure how to even begin to look. I just hoped Veles didn''t get a whiff of her existence. Afterward? Well, afterward would be a big deal. I wasn''t sure I was ready to be a father or even if I would need to be. For all I knew, she would be living with a Ser Ector or Aunt May, and I''d just be a disruption. Ugh, I was going to have to discuss this with my parents, wasn''t I?

    Damn.

    "Aaron?" Ania asked, looking at me.

    "Sorry, just thinking," I said, reaching for her hand. "I''m glad you brought me back."

    Ania nodded. "Lord Emberly wants to speak with you in the tower. We''ll have to go in the morning. I wish we could stay and let you recover."

    "I bet. Dude gets more play on his deathbed than most band members," Jon muttered. "Steel Rose! Steel Rose! Steel Rose!''

    "We''ll see you soon," Ania said, kissing me.

    Agata and Ania left, leaving me alone with Jon.

    "So, what really happened?" Jon asked after a few moments of silence.

    "Zorya begged me to kill her, so she didn''t go evil," I replied. "She also implied that she used our time together to make a child to carry her divine essence."

    "What, like a Rachel Summers to her Jean Grey?" Jon asked.

    Okay, that was weird. "Yeah."

    "Congratulations," Jon said. "It''s a girl."

    I sighed and checked my stats. There was a lot of information that had accumulated in the past week.

    YOU HAVE GAINED DIVINITY SCORE: 7

    + 4 to Attack Rolls

    + 4 to Saving Throws

    + 4 to Attribute

    + Attribute Maximum raised to 30

    + Your maximum level has increased to 60

    + All damage and status effects are removed

    + You have reached maximum divine rank as a Demigod

    + You have gained DIVINE SENSES [Mark of the Champion no longer is necessary]

    + You have gained the ability to grant 1st level spells to followers

    + You have gained the ability to grant 2nd level spells to followers

    + You have gained the ability to answer the spell PRAYER.

    + You have gained the ability to use PERUN''S LIGHTNING STRIKE once per day

    + You have gained the ability to summon SWORD OF PERUN at will (bonus to hit/dam highest attribute)

    + You have gained PORTFOLIO BONUS: GOD OF PUSH

    YOU DO NOT MEET THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THESE ABILITIES, ATTEMPTS TO USE THEM WILL RESULT IN PENALTIES AND INCREASED CHANCE OF DIVINE MISHAP [33%, 66%, 99%]

 Book Two - Chapter Twenty-One - Veles Revenge

    "Great. I have godly powers, but I can''t use them," I said, watching several of the Divine Rank additions gain a strike through them. I did find the idea of being the God of Push to be hilarious, though. The Mark of the Champion didn''t list what the requirements for all these special abilities were, though, which made its information useless.

    Still, the bonuses to my attack score and the fact I''d received all the EXP for killing Zorya (the thought still made me sick) meant I was probably caught up with Ania and the others now. At least in terms of raw fighting power. I might even be the strongest member of the party, excluding Sparky.

    10th level was nothing to sneeze at. It was officially past the boundary of mid-level to high level and where old D&D characters used to build strongholds. Unfortunately, Valentin had been 20th level and Jon had been 18th level. It meant that I was nowhere near as strong enough as I needed to be to slay gods. If the fact that demigods could reach 60th level was true, I was also at the bottom of the pyramid rather than halfway to the top.

    I decided to check my EXP and stats.

    SIDEQUEST(S) COMPLETED:

    DEFEAT THE DAUGHTERS OF CHERNABOG 1/1

    DESTROY THE BLADES OF CHERNABOG 1/1

    REWARDS

    +20,000 EXP (Daughter of Chernabog)

    +20,000 EXP (Daughter of Chernabog)

    +10,000 EXP (Destroy the Blades)

    Level 10 to 11

    155,000/375,000

    I wasn''t really sure who or what the Daughters of Chernabog were but I was glad they were confirmed dead, at least as far as I could rely on the Mark of the Champion to tell me. I wondered how long it would have taken the others to realize I''d been replaced by Chernabog if the daughters had succeeded. Not long if Perun had been any indication. Still, it was a sign I needed to be more cautious around Ledziania¡¯s magic.

    ARAGORN ¡°AARON¡± BARTKOWSKI

    LVL: 10

    CLASS: UNDERMASTER SORCERER (MASTER RANGER)

    ALIGNMENT: GRAY

    AGE: 34

    SEX: MALE

    RACE: HUMAN (Demigod)

    STR: 12 (19)

    AGI: 10 (11)

    CON: 11

    INT: 24

    WIS: 10

    COM: 15 (16)

    CHA: 15

    ARMOR CLASS: 27

    ATTACK: +7 (+18 to ATTACK, 1d10+14/18 [Undead] DAM, Sword of Perun [Lightning, Holy])

    HEALTH: 54

    DIVINITY: 7

    FEAT: Taunt, Sword and Shield, Two Handed Fighting, Tracking

    SPECIAL ABILITIES: ARCANE FIRE (1d6+10 INT bonus, Eldritch Damage, x3 Staff of Dragon Kings, Critical Hit Possible), BLOCK (requires shield), LESSER MAGIC (unlimited times per day), COUNTERSPELL, DIVINE ENHANCEMENT [Push]

    SPELL LIST (MAX/4/4/3/2/2):

    LESSER MAGIC EFFECTS: CLEAN SELF, CREATE FOOD, CREATE FIRE, CREATE WATER, MINOR ILLUSION, REFRESH, TELEKENESIS (1 Kilo per INT bonus), VENTRILOQUISM, MEND, TORCHLIGHT, SILENT WALK, IDENTIFY MAGICAL OBJECT, LESSER SENDING (Party Only), BLESS, SOOTHE ANIMAL

    [1] PUSH [+++], CURE, JUMP, ARMOR

    [2] WEB, ANIMAL SUMMONING, ENTANGLE

    [3] SUGGESTION, LESSER CHARM, CURE (II)

    [4] POLYMORPH OTHER, DIVINE BOW

    [5] SUNSTRIKE, REVIVE

    STATUS EFFECTS:

    * Alchemical Stone (White): You recover 20 HP after a short rest and status ailments

    * Blessing of Zorya Dawnbringer: +1 to AGL, +1 to AGI

    * Ring of Ogre Strength: STR is 19 when wearing this

    * Boots of speed: Double Movement Speed, Dodge Roll Bonus

    * Ranger¡¯s Mark: +4 to hit/damage against Undead

    * +4 to all Saving Throws [Divine]

    My stats also showed that there had been several changes during my semi-coma. Could you call it a coma if you were up walking around and trying to get busy? Psychotic break? Divine possession? My INT score was my biggest boon and my Blessing had changed as well. Apparently, at some point, I''d passed my Alchemical Stone and gotten a new one too. I''d somehow ended up with ENTANGLE as a spell, which seemed useless if I already had WEB.

    Still, I could hardly complain, could I?

    "Anything good?" Jon asked.

    "If I can figure out how to actually train with my abilities and not get killed," I said, remembering my ill-fated session with Zorya that was far from a substitute for actual battle experience. "Well, then, I might just manage to survive to the next boss monster."

    "And you give me shit about treating this as a video game," Jon said, shaking his head. "That''s the mother of your child you''re speaking about!"

    I stared forward, horrified at the realization that Jon was right.

    "Just kidding," Jon said. "Let me shake you out of that state. Picture an anime starring you: Monster Hunter Aaron! A lone demigod ranger, wandering the wastelands to find all the weirdly hot female monsters and goddesses that fill them. Gotta bang em all."

    That did, in fact, shake me out of that state. "Seriously, Jon, what the hell is wrong with you? Is it just the fact you were turned into a raven?"

    "I admit, I was like this before I became one, but it certainly didn''t help," Jon said.

    "Well, I have a plan," I said, taking a deep breath. "I know how to cure you now."

    "Oh good!" Jon said. "Because the last time you tried worked out so well!"

    "How would you like to be a dragon?" I asked, pointing at him.

    "Excuse me?" Jon asked, looking at me sideways. "I don''t want to be a dragon, Aaron. I want to be human."

    "Hear me out," I said, glad to have anything to distract me.

    "Can you put some pants on first?" Jon asked. "You''re not as nice to look at as Agata. I mean, close, but you''re way too close to a brother for me. I''m not into the incest scene that seems so popular with your family."

    "I''m not into incest, Jon. Neither is my family."

    "Your great aunt is the daughter of Mokosh, who you also slept with. Mokosh is the probable mother of Ania, who is your ke''tar. She is the sister to Agata, who you just spent a week getting body heat from and not the Kathleen Turner kind. Maybe the Kathleen Turner kind. I never saw Body Heat, but my dad had a worn sticky VHS tape of it."

    "I concede," I said, pausing. "Please never bring that up again. Ever."

    "Your parents are both related to Perun," Jon said. "If the fact they both look like aging Slavic action movie stars didn''t clue you in."

    "Stop."

    "Plus, if your daughter is Zorya Dawnbringer''s reincarnation, then that means you slept with--"

    "I will kill you, I swear." I meant it too. I had a REVIVE spell now, so it wouldn''t be permanent.

    Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

    "Right. Just puts some pants on, dude."

    I searched the room for some undergarments and eventually found some. I also found my armor, which had been refurbished and fixed. I put that on too and prepared for my meeting with Lord Emberly. I wasn''t looking forward with the guy, even if he did know I wasn''t Garland anymore. That probably meant I was about to lose my lordship of Dragon Keep and while I didn''t want to steal anyone''s inheritance, I somehow doubted that would make our attempts to stop Veles easier. It was also something I wanted to return to the Rose family, even if neither of the surviving daughters wanted to resume its lordship.

    "Anyway," I said, glad to have a distraction. "I got a potion of dragon transformation when I made the dragon pit for Dragon Keep."

    "You need to see that, by the way. It''s like a frigging coliseum," Jon said. "It''s got a crazy alchemical lab underneath as well. The Poppy Sisters are running it but it''s attracted a few others too."

    I was genuinely intrigued by that but didn''t want to get distracted. "The thing is the potion was described as permanent. It makes people into dragons."

    "I repeat: I don''t want to be a dragon, Aaron," Jon said. "No matter how cool being a flying dinosaur may be."

    "Archosaur," I corrected, because I was pedantic about that sort of thing. "But here''s the thing: dragons are shapeshifters."

    Jon paused, clearly considering my proposal in a new light. Either that or thinking up new incest jokes to throw at me. "I can''t say I''m not intrigued but wouldn''t two dragons on the team dilute our branding?"

    "Really, Jon?"

    "I''m thinking it through," Jon said. "Being a storm crow allows me to shapeshift but only other kinds of birds according to the upgrade notice I got. Which was weird, I can tell you. However, we''re messing with divine magic and I''m pretty sure that the only person I trust with that is an actual god. Which you are not, Aaron."

    "I make no pretensions to being so," I said. "Demigod is pretty clear on that. It means not-quite."

    The mark had said I was at maximum demigod status, though, which meant I''d be a full god if I absorbed any other essence. The problem with that was I had no idea what that meant. Weis had also warned me that the rules for gods dealing with each other were different than dealing with mortals. He''d all but said that Veles would just be able to show up and murder me then. Not that Veles had shown that much hesitation doing exactly that. It was just he showed up with someone else to murder me last time he''d tried. Plus, there was the whole ''Perun almost ate my soul'' thing. It meant I''d have to be circumspect about using any more of the marks I might find. Weis had said there had been fifteen total and I''d absorbed seven. For all I knew, the remainder had been taken by Francine or Alek too. They were a temptation I didn''t need.

    I didn''t do well with temptation.

    "But I''m interested in your dragon me plan," Jon said. "Let''s leave it at that. Do you have any other diabolical plans you''re working on?"

    "A few," I admitted. I hadn''t been a schemer before Ledziania but had fallen pretty hard into the role since my arrival. "Right now, I plan to go to the Great Forest and try to get the elves to join up. From there, we''ll go down to Kalizov and hopefully be able to actually meet with the Dragon Queen and expose her."

    "You don''t want to recruit the Imposter?" Jon asked. "Maybe she''s another of Weis'' agents."

    "We''ll burn that bridge when we cross it," I said, deliberately mangling the old saying. "But she''s clearly not as good at running a war as the real thing. I figure we can use the resurrection coin that Veles gave me to bring back the actual Celestine then have her take over. From there, we can try to use Ivan and Joan to turn the Mad Queen''s forces over to the Dragon Queen''s side."

    "No siding with Apollonia, then, even though she''s got the big army."

    "I feel siding with anyone called the Mad Queen is probably a bad idea, especially when she''s the mother of the Anti-Christ."

    "Technically, the Anti-Perun," Jon paused. "Actually, since you''re effectively Perun''s son, the Anti-Aaron."

    "Let''s not go there," I said, shaking my head. I was dressed now and looking every bit the Dark Undermaster I''d been masquerading as. I was blond now, though, and there were other changes I''d noticed. "Either way, I think it''s as close to an actual strategy as we''re going to get now. At some point, we¡¯re going to have to recruit the dwarves and deal with the Wind Demon and Water Demon."

    "You didn''t mention your evil brother-cousin," Jon said.

    I paused and headed to the door. "With any luck, he''ll be at the Great Forest. Hopefully, our delaying a week hasn''t caused us to miss him."

    "Are you really hoping you''ll see him again?" Jon asked. "Because if he''s working for Veles, it''ll be you up against an actual trained soldier. One who has a lot more time to learn the rules governing this place."

    "I can''t answer that," I said, admitting the truth to both me and my friend. "I can''t square my image of Alek as the guy who helped break my Pwiffle addiction and helped raise Georgie with a guy working for Veles."

    That wasn''t entirely true, but I didn''t want to admit that aloud. While I''d doubted, and still doubted, my parents¡¯ stories, I''d never doubted Alek''s. He had a confirmed kill count of at least four hundred Taliban soldiers in the Afghan War and he''d also been heavily involved in special operations. Missions that he couldn''t tell me about but that had enacted a heavy toll. I hadn''t been able to get much out of him but my impression was he''d seen some serious shit over the years and it had gradually worn down any sense of his being a good person or that what he''d been doing had made the world a better place.

    When Alek left Poland and its armed forces for the United States and civilian life, he''d been struggling. Last I checked, he''d been working as a security operative for Epic DungeoneeringTM. He''d seemed to have brightened up after that started. Just what sort of missions had he been doing for them? Did being the good guy matter to Alek or had he just been glad to go back to doing what he knew how to do? The fact I couldn''t answer that wasn''t something I was comfortable with.

    "Well, I think you should figure out what you''re going to say or do to him before you face him because if he''s anything like Valentin, we may not get a second chance," Jon said. "You only won against him because, well, he was a dumbass."

    "Alek isn''t," I said, entering into the castle halls. "He could run rings around Poland''s cyberwarfare branch."

    "I don''t think that''s the flex you think it is," Jon said, moving to my shoulder. "Admittedly, I''m imagining six bearded guys and a Commodore 64. Which is probably not a good attitude to have when you''re working for a Ledzianian gaming company."

    I rolled my eyes and headed out the door. "Did you know that the Polish government gave Obama a copy of Dark Undermaster during a state visit?"

    "Big whoop," Jon said. "I''m pretty sure that game was made by six bearded guys and a Commodore 64."

    "No, it was made by cheap foreign labor," I said. "People like us."

    It was past midnight in Dragon Keep but the place was still active with multiple people moving around. Magical candles provided illumination for the people readying the castle for the next morning. This was true to life in the historical Dark Ages because people would go to bed at sundown, wake up around midnight, and then take care of whatever before going back to sleep before sunrise. It explained when they had time to make the next generation of oppressed laborers, at least.

    "So, do you remember anything happening with you and Agata? I mean beyond a sensual cuddle or two? I missed most of the good stuff because I was in a closet for three days. Thankfully, I ate a couple of rats and drank the water that leaked through the cracks in the ceiling. Just kidding. I spent it all losing money at the Black Cat. Are those two up for sharing? Or is she with Bloodstorm? Are you a love square?" Jon asked. "Oh wait, Thistle is angling for Ania again, I''m sure. So, it''s a love pentagram!"

    "Nothing happened, Jon," I replied. "We are not a love pentagram. Ania just, uh, has some interesting boundaries."

    "No boundaries with your girlfriend is awesome when they bring home hot chicks, less so with dudes," Jon said. "I mean, I assume for you. I always liked it with my last girlfriend."

    I had a headache. "Ania and I are working it out."

    "I''ll say," Jon said. "You got her to do that weird thing with her face. The upside down frown she had when she said that she loved you."

    "You mean her smile?" I asked, confused.

    "Yeah, it''s awful to tell a woman to smile more," Jon said. "What about telling them to do it less? Because hers creeped me the fork out, I can tell you. I was like: that is an evil imposter!¡±

    ¡°Ania telling me she loved me was a surprise,¡± I said, ignoring the rest. ¡°Almost as much as the ke¡¯tar thing.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, is Ania mind controlled?¡± Jon asked. ¡°Because I¡¯m guessing mind control. She¡¯s gone from barely tolerating you and using you as a vibrator to saying you¡¯re soulmates.¡±

    ¡°Maybe she realized what we had and decided to take a chance,¡± I said, unsure as to her reasons. I was just glad she was doing it.

    ¡°Nope. Mind control. That or possession. Remember she¡¯s in the armor of the love goddess now. That Black Widow outfit is probably making her all lovey-dovey like your swords made you a jerkass.¡±

    ¡°No, Jon.¡±

    ¡°Her ex showing up probably helped. I know when my exes appear, I insist I¡¯m much better off without them. it encourages me to be nicer to my current partner and make stupid commitments like saying we really should go house hunting or meet my parents. You know, when I¡¯m not suggesting threesomes. With my exes, not my parents."

    I waited for the inevitable incest joke. "Because you''re not me?"

    "Jesus Aaron, no. What the hell is wrong with you?" Jon joked.

    I rolled my eyes. ¡°I can¡¯t imagine why your relationships didn¡¯t last before you came to Ledziania.¡±

    ¡°Me either. I¡¯m such a catch.¡±

    We reached the Overmaster''s Tower, and I ascended a set of steps before coming into a well-appointed study with four sets of windows. There, Piotr Emberly was standing in front of his desk with my nephew George beside him. Piotr had a gun pointed to the side of his head.

    I stared at him.

    George looked at me, excited and afraid at once. It proved this was no illusion.

    "Hello, Aaron, we need to talk," Veles voice came from Piotr''s mouth.

 Book Two - Chapter Twenty-Two - Hostage Situation

    I narrowed my eyes, staring at Veles in Piotr''s body with a malevolent hatred. "My wish for fair play didn''t last very long, did it?"

    Georgie looked excited about being taken hostage, but I was terrified for him. Terrified and angry at Veles threatening my family.

    Veles stared at me, contempt in his eyes. "Spare me your outrage, Aaron. If I was breaking my promise, then I would just appear in all my divine glory and break your neck. Who would stop me? My whore of a wife, Mokosh? My surviving brother, Svarog who insists on ignoring that anything has changed since he forged the worlds? Mythras, who claims he is the great champion of humanity but did nothing against the Twisted Ones?"

    "Zorya Dawnbringer would have killed you if you hadn''t corrupted her," I said, trying to him distracted from Georgie.

    "Tell me when and I''ll lightning zap him, Aaron," Jon said, perched on my shoulder.

    "Don''t," I said, not knowing whether that would kill Veles or not. I wasn''t willing to risk Georgie''s life. If Veles needed me to trade my life for his, I would. The only problem was I didn''t believe he wouldn''t kill Georgie immediately thereafter. His word meant shit as far as I was concerned now.

    "The Firebird broke the rules and so did you," Veles said, narrowing his eyes. He was undoubtedly reading my mind as he had during our previous encounters. "This is supposed to be a game after all. You skipped all her dungeon and went after her directly. You also had her help. In other words, you cheated."

    I grimaced because I didn''t entirely disagree with Veles there. Weis and Zorya had gone to pretty elaborate lengths to keep us from trying to confront things head on. "Speedruns and shortcuts are part of the system. So is talking the monster to death. Did you ever play the original Fallout? Speech is deadlier than a nuke."

    "Did you really fuck and kill a goddess, Uncle Aaron?" Georgie said. "That is awesome."

    "Don''t use language like that," I said.

    "Fucking why?" Georgie asked. "It''s just us guys here."

    Veles laughed. "I like your nephew, Aaron. It would be a shame to kill him. I wonder if he''d be willing to take the same deal your cousin would. Hey, Georgie, how would you like to be a death knight?"

    "Would I!" Georgie asked.

    "He''s a child, Veles," I said, now even angrier. "Have you no dignity?"

    Veles tightened his grip on Georgie. "Old enough to kill is old enough to die and there are many boys his age fighting for the two queens. Besides, I''m not going to get very far in killing two worlds if I hesitated to harm children."

    "Oh, you want to wipe out the world? I''m out," Georgie said. "I thought you wanted to take it over like Cobra or SPECTRE."

    Veles frowned as if this conversation wasn''t going the way he expected. "I am still within the context of the rules. I am not striking you down. Piotr came to my avatar and asked for aid against the hordes of, well, me. I offered him a return of his youth and health as well but asked for a favor in return."

    I stared at him. "Let me guess, you asked for a day of his life in return or some other word play."

    "No, I asked for him to kill Garland," Veles said. "The man he adopted as a surrogate son and his heir. He barely hesitated before agreeing. In the end, a chance to live his glory days again was more important than the person dearest to him. He broke his oaths: first to Lord Rose to care for Garland and second to his fellow Undermasters to never betray a brother, so he became mine."

    "Ah," I said, staring. "I see."

    "Entrapment laws don''t apparently exist when you''re the Devil," Jon muttered.

    "I am as far above Lucifer Morningstar as he is above you," Veles said, cooly. "Either way, he is my puppet for this journey, but it will be human hands that kill you or your nephew. Your choice."

    I struggled to figure out a way out of this. "Let''s fight it out, Veles. That makes a better story, doesn''t it?"

    "No," Veles said. "You have wronged me, Aaron. Wronged me in a way that you can''t comprehend. Chernabog is dissipated and will not return to existence for a century. You atomized him when he tried to manifest through his so-called daughters. The Firebird''s spirit is missing, and I am struggling to find it."

    I struggled not to think of my daughter.

    "Ah," Veles said, clearly still able to read my mind. "That explains it. She has sought to make it impossible to be corrupted again. It seems my children are not as interested in playing the game by its rules as you and I are. Weis'' influence at work no doubt."

    "Chernabog tried to take over my body," I said. "Probably so he could try to kill you personally."

    I was just guessing there but I had the sneaking suspicion none of the Old Gods were in on Veles'' plot to murder the population of two worlds. They were all corrupted by the power of the Twisted Ones and working for their father involuntarily.

    Veles'' eyes, or Piotr''s, turned literal red. "None of my children can appreciate the fact destroying the two worlds is the only way to defeat the Twisted Ones forever. If the worlds are corrupted by their essence, their chaos, they will return to ruin our ambitions. Humanity can never grow, and the gods can never guide them. But the living are the only people vulnerable to their power. When everyone is dead, it will be perfection: a perfect, unified, ordered universe."

    I didn''t bother pointing out that there was a non-zero, verging on 100% chance that Veles himself was corrupted by the Twisted Ones. Certainly, Perun had believed it and so had Zorya Dawnbringer. Still, it was kind of funny to realize that the whitest of the White alignments in the pantheon was Veles not Perun.

    Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

    Unfortunately, the very act of thinking about it meant that Veles undoubtedly heard it. His red eyes narrowed, and I suspected my attempts to delay our conversation any further had come to an end. "You know nothing about what you''re thinking about. Having stolen some of my brother''s power does not make you a god."

    I decided to take a big swing. "Veles, maybe you aren''t thinking clearly. Maybe this whole plan is because the Twisted One''s power is influencing you. If there''s a way to purify their power from you, it might make you see things differently. Isn''t that worth trying? Your family is against you, but they love you. I think. This doesn''t have to be a game between us. Maybe we can just have peace."

    Also, ignore the thousands if not millions of people he''d killed.

    Crap.

    Probably not good to have thought that.

    "Mokosh and Perun both tried to appeal to my sense of honor," Veles said, sneering. "So did the Nightbringer. The fact you think you can succeed where they failed disgusts me. Your journey has come to an end, Aaron Bartkowski. Take comfort in the fact that you successfully pissed me off before it. Step forward and die so your nephew can live or know you are a failure of a man who cannot even protect his own family."

    "Don''t do it, Uncle Aaron!" Georgie said, attempting to bite Veles'' hand and stomp on his foot. Unfortunately, this wasn''t a kid''s movie.

    "I''ll do it!" I said, stepping forward with my hands up. "Just don''t hurt him."

    Veles smiled and nodded. "Now watch him die."

    Veles conjured a ball of fire in one hand and raised it above his head.

    "No!" I shouted, struggling in the moment to figure out which attack to use against him.

    That was when Veles'' hand exploded as there was a thunderclap and shattering of glass. My attention briefly went to the window beside me where I saw a bullet hole had appeared inside it. What the actual fuck? Georgie hit the ground before jumping up and running past me. The expression on his face was exhilaration rather than relief.

    Veles backed up against the wall as the red left his eyes and an all-too-human expression appeared on his face: terror. It wasn''t Veles anymore but Piotr. "Garland, no, Aaron, I wasn''t actually going to sell you out. I planned on...betraying him...getting him to...could you call a doctor?"

    That was when there was a sting in my ears and Jon took to the air, startled.

    A gunshot.

    Piotr fell back against the wall, a bullet in his head.

    "Asshole," Wendy said, stepping forward with a gun that looked like the kind Robocop used. She was wearing a nightgown, and Georgie was clinging to her side.

    "Holy shit, mom," Georgie said.

    "Wendy?" I asked, doing a double take as my ears rang like someone had been ringing church bells in my head. I put my hands up to cover them. "Where the hell did you come from?"

    "You don''t think I notice when my kid goes missing?" Wendy asked, looking at me. "Why the hell didn''t you kill that guy?"

    "I was trying to talk him down!" I said, casting a CURE spell and hoping it fixed my shattered ear drums.

    "That''s stupid!" Wendy said. "When evil gods are involved, you shoot them!"

    I stared at her then looked at the bullet in the window. She hadn''t fired it. "Who is sniping at us?"

    Wendy turned her attention to the bullet hole then shrugged. "I think you know. Be glad you have friends on this side of the world. Now I''m going to take my kid back to bed and get some bodyguards. Because of you, I''m going to have to study magic and figure out a way to solve this problem that you''re clearly incapable of doing."

    I blinked. "You mean the end of the world?"

    "Yes!" Wendy snapped.

    "You''re going to be a witch?" I asked.

    "Yes!" Wendy replied.

    Ania ran up the top of the stairs, looking around before seeing Piotr''s body on the ground. The expression on her face was one of heartbreak as he''d been the only adult to show her any kindness for years.

    Wendy slapped the pistol in her hands. "You need this more than I do."

    Ania blinked, taking it.

    Wendy then dragged Georgie away, my nephew staring at the body with the expression of someone who had just seen something immensely cool. Seriously, there was something wrong with that kid.

    Jon had taken roost over one of the windows, far above our heads. "Short version, Ania, Veles possessed Piotr. He took Georgie hostage. Aaron tried to do his usual diplomacy thing but failed miserably. Wendy turns out to not have been an apple fallen nearly as far from the family tree of Eighties Action Heroes as might initially be guessed too."

    I didn''t speak, instead just looking down at Piotr''s body while looking back to the window. Out there, Alek was probably sitting in a sniper''s nest. I wanted to run after him and try to talk some sense into him. I also wanted to grab Ania and pull her away from Piotr''s body in case he decided to take her out. He''d shot Veles, his supposed master, but I didn''t know his reasons. Had he decided to turn over a new leaf or had he just seen that the God of Evil had been threatening his nephew?

    "I''m sorry, Ania," I said, looking down then lying. "He was a good man. I''ll be back in a minute."

    "What?" Ania asked, doing a double take.

    I ran for about ten or fifteen minutes through Dragon Keep, out the front door, around the streets of Crossroad, and eventually up the interior of a dilapidated watchtower. How did I figure out which part of the city was the sniper''s likely location? One advantage of having my ridiculously enhanced intelligence was that I''d been able to use that time to figure out the trajectory of the rifle cartridge that had been fired as well as its most probable origin point off the top of my head. Yes, running toward a sniper''s position was incredibly stupid. I know. Still, I did it. I ended up finding a sniper''s nest after heading up three stories worth of stairs to the top of the watchtower. There was a tripod, some empty bags of potato chips, a few discarded water bottles, and a walkie-talkie. It gave a perfect view of Dragon Keep''s Overmaster''s office, showing that he''d known where I was going to be.

    Alek had been here to kill me.

    He could have.

    I squeezed the walkie talkie, noting the Epic DungeoneeringTM logo on the side. "Alek? Over."

    No answer. My heart sank.

    "Hi, Aaron. Over," Alek responded. His voice sounded a lot like mine. Just deeper and gruffer.

    I didn''t know how to respond. In the end, I went with a simple one. "Why? Over."

    "Veles and I have a deal," Alek responded. "I get his support in killing the Wise Man. I take down some of his enemies. Killing you and threatening Georgie was not part of it. My family was supposed to be off limits. I felt the need to remind him that I am not his slave like Valentin was. Ours is an alliance of convenience. Over."

    That sounded completely insane. "Weis is...not the enemy. I think. Over."

    "He''s worse than you know," Alek said. "You''ve done good work, Aaron. Way better than I thought you could have under the circumstances. However, this isn''t cops and robbers. There''s no good guys or bad guys here. Just bad guys and worse guys. You should go home or settle down with that pretty redhead before things really go to hell. Over."

    I paused, debating my response. "The end of the world has to be stopped, dumbass. It''s where we live. Both of our worlds...over."

    Alek didn''t respond for a moment. "I could shoot you right now, Aaron. I have you in my sights. You don''t have what it takes to make the hard calls. Maybe I don''t either. Maybe I''m just in this for revenge. But don''t get in my way. Over and out."

    Revenge?

    For what?

    On who?

    Weis?

    What the hell was going on here? I didn''t have an answer to that and, unfortunately, I suspected the only people who might be able to answer that were Weis and Alek themselves. One thing was for certain, a new player had entered this fucked-up game and he was choosing to play by his own rules rather than Weis or Veles''. It gave me hope that I might be able to reach Alek but also convinced me that he''d gone off the deep end. I turned to leave, only to see Ania standing in the doorway behind me.

    I looked at her. "It was Alek. I had to..."

    Ania just hugged me.

    Neither of us said anything more.

 Book Two - Chapter Twenty-Three - The King of Ledziania

    My parents had been furious over Lord Emberly¡¯s betrayal and Georgie''s endangerment. More furious than joyous over my revival, which they''d been very joyous over. They''d also rather swiftly stepped in, becoming head of Dragon Keep as well as the Dark Undermasters through sheer force of personality. Given everyone else was new recruits or ex-slave hirelings, it was easier than it sounded. I didn''t tell them about Alek''s involvement, and I hated myself for it but I suspected Wendy knew, maybe even was in contact with him. I decided I would deal with that after I prepared to get on the road.

    Not because I felt any great rush to get back on my questing to save the worlds, especially after knowing Veles had my family in his sights, but because I wanted him to think that I was more focused on that than my family. Maybe it would draw his attention (and wrath) away from Crossroad. My parents were formidable people, I was like 90% sure at least some of their stories were true now, but that didn''t mean they could take on a god. I asked Agata to send a demon bird toward the Eldritch Tree and ask for some more protection from the Sisters of Mokosh. Maybe we could also set up a portal here.

    The one thing I really wished had a price tag on my no-longer necessary bracelet. I could still summon the interface, but it just appeared in my hand now or in front of me, which was weird. That was just another small way my life had changed since I''d woken from my coma. I''d have to figure out the others on the road.

    I was keeping secrets now.

    Alek.

    My daughter.

    I didn''t like it. I didn''t like what I was becoming. I could confide in Jon and wanted to Ania, but I needed to get my head on straight about how I felt about these things myself first. Right now, focusing my energy on the relatively straightforward task of heading to the Great Forest was the best thing I could do.

    Then why did it feel so wrong?

    Either way, I managed to find Agata and Bloodstorm in the stables of Dragon Keep. Both were dressed for travel with Agata wearing practical clothing versus expensive negligee for once and Bloodstorm not in his Skull Armor but a newly dyed Dark Undermaster cloak over riding leathers. Apparently, Lord Piotr had sworn him in before being revealed to be Veles in disguise. I wasn''t sure if that invalidated his membership or not. On the plus side, he had a cool hooded cape now. It even had little holes for his horns.

    The stables of dragon keep were fully functional and reformed from the wreck they''d been initially. There were dozens of stable hands, grooms, and trainers working with the new Dark Undermasters. The place had segregated stalls for the horses and the demon steeds that didn''t so much live here as get summoned for extra care. I saw a pentagram where the demon steed got a nice bucket of entrails as well as extensive brushing.

    Huh.

    "Guys, I need to talk with you," I said, seeing they were already ready to leave. Which annoyed me because I thought I''d been the one to decide that this morning.

    "If this is about the naked snuggles, we don''t have that sort of relationship," Bloodstorm said. "But give me a few drinks and maybe I''ll help next time you''re dying."

    Agata said, "I know, Aaron, you love Ania and she loves you. For some reason. But you can''t get me out of your mind. You dreamed of me. Desired me. Even more than my goddess. I''m sorry, I can''t do that to Ania."

    I blinked before realizing they were having a go at me. "Okay, who are you two, and when did you become jokesters too?"

    Bloodstorm shrugged. "Sarcasm is infectious around here."

    "I''m just glad you''re alive and no longer possessed," Agata said. "You aren''t possessed anymore, aren''t you?"

    "You banged your great aunt," Bloodstorm said. "Oh, and your brother is your cousin."

    "No, I didn''t," I said. "Also, only technically."

    "He''s fine," Bloodstorm said. "The other Aaron would have thrown a punch, and I''d have to throw him through a window."

    "I''m not sure if that would end the way you think," Agata said. "Aaron is sort of a wizard and has a history of unconventional victories."

    Bloodstorm grunted, acknowledging the point. Say what you will about the dhampyr-ogre but I¡¯d earned his respect long ago.

    "Sort of a wizard?" I asked.

    "Well, one of us spent a decade studying sorcery," Agata said. "The other got it handed to them by a god."

    "You get handed to it by a magic bracelet too," I said. "Even if you don''t have yours anymore. We level up together as a party."

    "I''ll pretend I know what that means," Agata said.

    "It means a rising tide lifts all boats," Ivan''s voice spoke beside me. "The party members of Mr. Bartkowski all gain substantial boosts to their natural abilities the more people you kill. It''s really quite morbid when you think about it."

    Bloodstorm waved behind me. "Hey Ivan!"

    I saw Ivan walking up in a vest, linin shirt, and riding pants. He was beside Joan, who was wearing a plain brown linin dress with her white hair up like Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi. She still looked like royalty but at least wasn''t blindingly obvious as the Bishop of New Byzantium.

    "I have noticed my powers have been growing exponentially," Agata said, uncomfortably. "It feels like cheating."

    "The only rule in war is win," Bloodstorm said. "I don''t care if it comes from a piece of jewelry or not."

    "I was talking with Pontifex Maximus Joan about our upcoming trip," Ivan said. "I was hoping I could also talk with Lord Aaron about his plans."

    "I''m still working them out," I said.

    I felt bad about the fact that if I had to choose between three candidates for ruler of Ledziania, Ivan would probably come in dead last. He was a guy with a lot of genius and wit plus a genuine desire to do right by the people, but he suffered from being the middle child despite technically being the youngest of the Old King''s offspring.

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    Ivan was a lot more benevolent than the Mad Queen and a lot more supported than the Dragon Queen, but he wasn''t nearly as supported as the Mad Queen or benevolent as the Dragon Queen. Maybe there was something to be said for the compromise candidate but not when the entirety of the world was at stake.

    "Well, you''ve managed to establish an excellent base of operations here," Ivan said. "I''ve been consulting with your military head--"

    "Your dad," Joan said, dryly.

    "As well as your local governor," Ivan replied.

    "Your mother," Joan translated.

    "Both have had excellent suggestions for using it to assemble the alliances we need to assault Veles," Ivan said. "We can also work to protect this place against any future retaliations now that the Skull King is dead."

    I didn''t want to point out that Alek was now the chief goon of Veles or had been at least. Alek would just snipe us from a thousand meters and let any resistance fall apart. "That all sounds great, Ivan--"

    Ivan coughed. "Prince Ivan."

    "Your Highness," I said, sighing.

    Ivan smiled, a pained look on his face.

    "How did you find time to do all this?" Agata addressed her ex-husband. "I thought you were still dealing with your failed attempts at courting the Poppy sisters."

    "Yeah, I have some opinions on dragon mating," Jon said. "Don''t do it."

    "Yes, well, I was interrupted," Ivan said, frowning. "They didn''t know that while a short man, I have a very large tongue."

    "You should keep a civil tongue, which you''re obviously well-versed in, in front of Shirley Templar down there," Jon said, referring to Pope Joan.

    Joan rolled her eyes. "Please, I was raised in the nunnery of Saint Theodora of Constantinople where all the worst behaving noble daughters are sent. Those women have the filthiest mouths in the Empire."

    She really wasn¡¯t what I¡¯d been expecting from a pope, little girl pope or otherwise, but certainly came off like Garland¡¯s daughter.

    "Huh," Jon said. "You have a Saint Trinians, huh? I''ll mark it on our map."

    I sighed. "I think we have enough horny tourist destinations already, thank you."

    "This coming from the guy who is definitely going for all three love goddesses," Bloodstorm said. "I have cash money you''ll sleep with Zorya Nightbringer before she kills you to avenge her sister. You in on that action, Aggie?"

    "In the wise words of my late father, I do not take sucker bets" Agata said, not missing a beat. "But Aaron has other duties he has to attend to. Ania has been celibate for a week, and you need to take care of that now."

    I blinked.

    "What? Why?" Bloodstorm asked. "A week? The horror!"

    Jon and Ivan both glared at Bloodstorm, having apparently had their own recent issues. In Ivan''s case, it was just being an ass.

    "I think she was worried that Aaron has expectations of monogamy," Agata said. "Outworlders are weird. Frankly, I don''t think it''s any of your business and she was so worried she should have sought a stableboy or flower maiden for comfort."

    "I''m surprised she hasn''t been with Thistle yet," Jon said. "She''s so mean and nasty to her, they have to have unresolved issues. Best to fork it out."

    "Pfft," Agata made a dismissive noise. "I give it a day before she''s all over Aaron and my sister. Thistle has insulted, threatened, and belittled everyone she''s interacted with since her rescue. So she''s just Aaron''s type."

    I was not comfortable with that being well known. "That''s not my type."

    "I''ve known you like a week and most of that was you in on your death bed. But even I know that, Aaron," Joan said.

    That poor, poor traumatized Pontiff. Her poor little ears had been exposed to far too much at a young age. I mean, she''d also been kidnapped and exposed to a mad vampire king''s murder castle but clearly the sex talk would traumatize her way worse. Or was that only if she''d been raised in America?

    "I thought she was vegetarian, unlike Ania''s omnivore," Bloodstorm said, engaging in a little innuendo.

    Okay, a lot of innuendo.

    "Elves are all omnivores, like the Sisters of Mokosh," Ivan said, slyly. "She''s been eating quite a bit here in Dragon Keep. Several young men and women have had to go to the infirmary from exhaustion. Her hunger is immense."

    "I am a carnivore, thank you," Agata said, rolling her eyes. "I eat meat in varieties of ways."

    ¡°She does, really,¡± Bloodstorm said. ¡°With great vigor and joy.¡±

    Agata smirked. Yeah, she was a very different character from the one introduced in the first Dark Undermaster book. Garland and the Wolf Lord had been terrible influences on her. Terrible and good.

    I shook my head. "This is already something that needs several warnings on whatever website it eventually gets posted to. Assuming Weis isn¡¯t already submitting it to his beta readers.¡±

    "Pfft," Jon said. "It''s all allusions and off-screen, at least when I''m around. Compared to Everybody Loves Large Chests, it''s almost tame."

    "What''s going on here?" the voice of Ania called from nearby.

    I turned around to see that she was standing there in her assassin''s attire with Thistle standing beside her. Both were looking much the same as they had been during our previous adventures, but Thistle had added a Dark Undermaster''s cloak. Sparky was also there but he wasn''t wearing any travel clothes, just typical peasant attire. Maybe he intended to travel in dog or dragon form.

    "Just discussing food preferences. I see our order has a new sister," Bloodstorm said.

    "Elves don''t believe in property, marriage, or the other things you forsake," Thistle said, coolly. "So, it wasn''t a great sacrifice."

    "It''s also pledging yourself to die in battle against horrific evil monsters," Bloodstorm said. "Which, hey, was always my plan. Valhalla ho!"

    Thistle stared then looked at Ania before looking at me. "That was also always my plan."

    Ania didn''t return her gaze. "The bigger issue was whether the Dark Undermasters accept nonhumans, which has always been questionable. What say you, Overmaster."

    "I''m not the Overmaster, if anyone should be--" I started to say.

    "You''re the Overmaster," Ania said. "You''ve slain two Old Gods. One by yourself."

    "Zorya Dawnbringer killed the Fire Demon," I said.

    "Don''t do the certain point of view bullshit, please," Ania said. "I heard enough of it from Francine."

    I shrugged, not wanting to argue. "Sure. If you say so."

    "We''ll be using regular horses to travel to La T¨¨ne," Ania said, "That''s the former capital of the Old Elvish Empire that the First Ranger has resettled."

    "My father''s land," Kragen said.

    Thistle looked uncomfortable. "My people have lived in the trees and villages for a thousand years. The fact they seek to revive the dark days of the Vampire Lords is not a good sign. It means they are sick of living like elves and now want to live like humans."

    "How awful," Ivan said, sarcastically. "Maybe they just want to end the war between humans and elves."

    "Yes, because humans and humans never war on each other," Thistle said. "But I consulted with a soothsayer in Crossroad. She said that they have yet to crown my sister as queen. There''s still time to prevent an alliance with the Mad Queen."

    Ivan shrugged, acknowledging the point. "Assuming you want to stop it. A united elven race may well be what we need to defeat Veles."

    Everyone looked at me.

    "Great," I muttered. "It''s up to me. We''ll burn that bridge when we cross it. Maybe the elves support becoming a monarchy. Maybe they''re being tricked into it. We need to know what they want before we make any decisions."

    "What does the people''s opinion matter?" Ivan asked. "Think of the average person. Acknowledge how stupid they are. Then realize that half of the people are even stupider."

    "I didn''t realize George Carlin had made it to Ledziania," I muttered. "Are you ready, Sparky?"

    Sparky looked down. "I''m not going, Aaron."

    "Oh," I said, not entirely unhappy I''d no longer be endangering an adolescent. Then I looked over at Joan and noted I still was.

    Dammit.

    "My mom said I can''t go," Sparky said. "I''m going to be training to be a Dark Undermaster here, though."

    I nodded and walked over before giving the boy a hug. "We''ll train as wizards when I get back."

    "Your nephew and I are going to be studying together!" Sparky said. "We''re going to be ninjas!"

    Ania smiled, which I had to admit really did look awkward on her face. "I arranged for some old friends to give them training in spells as well as assassination."

    I blinked. "Super!"

    ALEXI "SPARKY" POPPY HAS LEFT YOUR PARTY

 Book Two - Chapter Twenty-Four - The Wise Man Returns

    The first day of the journey was surprisingly eventless. I¡¯d improved my horsemanship, which meant I was only incredibly bad at it, but we managed to make decent time. The fact the horses had to stop, and rest was an impediment to our speed, but the elves had ¡®issues¡¯ with demons that meant it would have been bad to arrive on them. I spent most of my time thinking about my family and worrying about what might happen to them. So much so that I barely acknowledged my teammates before spending the night with Ania in her tent. That didn¡¯t need words and, I had to admit, did calm me down a bit. Unfortunately, I was terrified of going to sleep and was honestly surprised when I did.

    What did I dream of?

    That I was still our campsite and Larry C.C. Weis was sitting on a log near the fire pit. The author was dressed for Ledziania for once, wearing a hooded homespun robe and resembling more the old timey wizard that he was rather than the author from my world I primarily knew him to be. Ania was asleep nestled against me but didn''t stir when I sat up and got dressed before meeting with him. Indeed, I suspected nothing short of Veles arriving would waken them.

    Instead of punching him in the face like I expected, I just calmly walked over and sat down cross-legged across from him. I didn''t speak first but waited for him to start.

    I didn¡¯t try to punch him.

    I had too many questions.

    "The silence is a change," Weis said, calmly. "It''d be unnerving if I was only in my hundreds. You should try it more often."

    "I have questions," I said, simply.

    Weis closed his eyes. "Well, at least you''re not threatening to punch me."

    "Would it help?" I asked.

    "No," Weis said. "You''re a helluva lot stronger than you were when you began this trip but not to my level, yet. Also, it wouldn''t change any of my opinions. I''ve been crucified before for my faith so it wouldn''t change my opinion of things either. If it makes you feel better, though, I''ll let you have a punch or two."

    "No," I replied.

    "Which is the part that bothers you most?" Weis asked. "That I brought you here? That I brought Alek? That I brought your parents and sister? That I pointed you at Veles? Or the fact that Zorya--"

    "Did you bring my family here?" I asked.

    "Yes," Weis said. "It wasn''t Veles. I also brought the families of the other champions where I could. I didn''t think Veles would seek revenge on them after their relatives died but that was foolish of me. Veles has lost what few redeeming qualities he once had."

    "Yes," I said. "Thank you."

    "Thank you?" Weis asked.

    "They''d be dead if they weren''t here, wouldn''t they?" I asked.

    Weis sighed. "Yes. They''re closer to danger but farther from harm."

    "No jokes, please," I said, sighing. "Why did Alek do what he did?"

    "Turn against me or turn against Veles?" Weis said. "When he shot his master, I believe he may have declared his independence but I''m not sure that qualifies as joining the cause of Team Humanity again."

    "Pick one," replied.

    Weis grimaced. "Alek felt as betrayed as you did by some of my choices."

    That was no surprise.

    "Which choices," I asked, trying to keep my voice even. I was furious at Weis for what he''d done but also tired. Getting angry wouldn''t get me the answers I sought.

    Weis looked down at the fire pit. "Your sister and Georgie were on the list as alternate champions. Though I was going to hold out until the latter was sixteen."

    I sighed. "Yeah, that''ll do it."

    Weis paused. "Alek fell in love with the Dragon Queen during this time period as well. Like you, he was always drawn to the people of this world. He blamed me when her assassin killed her."

    "Why?" I asked.

    "Because I told her to," Weis replied. "It was one of the rare times when the Mark of the Champion and I disagreed. The Dragon Queen and Garland might have been able to defeat the Mad Queen but not one or the other. Celestyne had grown sick of my manipulations and desired to seal off the Old Gods rather than fight them. A plan that wouldn''t have worked but had been put in her head by Svarog. My champion was to kill her and take over her life before using her forces to defeat Veles. Instead, Alek went on a killing spree of Celestyne''s generals and almost won the war himself. My replacement also proved more ruthless than expected, alienating Celestyne''s allies. If not for Francine taking over as the new Dragon Queen''s strategist, the war would have been lost."

    Ouch. Well, that confirmed that the original ending for the Dark Undermaster Saga was going to include the Dragon Queen going mad and Garland killing her. That had been the most controversial choice of the television show and had seemingly come out of nowhere. It seemed it was just the writer attempting to justify his own, and I hated making this pun, character assassination. The Dragon Queen had gone mad and Garland had killed her but literally neither of them was the same person as they were before.

    "So, you killed the woman he loved and were endangering his family," I said. "Can''t imagine why Alek would turn against you."

    Weis waved his hand and caused a fire to burn in the fire pit before he pulled out a bag of marshmallows, a box of graham crackers, and some chocolate. "Veles proved uncharacteristically stupid, though. He had Alek try to kill you and put Georgie in danger. It broke their pact and made Alek a rogue."

    "You''re assuming Veles doesn''t have a deeper game," I said, frowning.

    "I assume nothing," Weis said. "You''re the second smartest person in Ledziania, possibly Earth too now, Aragorn. But the smartest remains me."

    I took a deep breath. "Did you know you were sending me to kill Zorya Dawnbringer?"

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    "Yes," Weis admitted. "I also knew that I was sending you to father her child as a way to purify her spirit and save her from the Twisted One''s taint. I suspected that your kind nature and affable nature would also make her fall for you. Hopefully enough to draw her back from her madness long enough to let you kill her."

    Strangely, the song, "All I want to do is make love to you" by Heart started in the back of my head. I did my best to ignore it. It was a song about a woman using a hitchhiker to conceive a child that she couldn''t have with her husband. It ended with her presenting the hitchhiker with the baby. My sister had always said that sounded like a recipe for murder rather than romance.

    I clenched my fists. "That didn''t work."

    "You had only a night together but sometime that''s enough," Weis said, making smores. "You reminded me of how heroes were supposed to behave and I believed she pulled her punches as the Fire Demon enough to let you figure out a way to deal with her."

    I closed my eyes. "I''m going to see her face during those last moments for the rest of my life."

    Weis paused, staring at the fire. "Yes, you probably will. I could lie to you and say the faces of those you betray or fail leave you after centuries pass but they always return. Maybe it''s a smell or a sound that triggers it, but the memories never leave us. Your life could also be very long or very sort depending on what happens next."

    I took a deep breath. "Weis--"

    "You want to know where your daughter is," Weis said. "You should drop that line of inquiry. Nothing good will come of it."

    I blinked. "The reason I''m remaining calm is you''re the only person who can tell me."

    Weis frowned and started toasting his smore on a stick he''d collected. He handed me the ingredients to join him. "You realize gods can mess with time and space, right? They can''t alter the past, but they can visit it. Also, screw with a person''s perception of what''s real."

    "I know that you have been screwing with the minds of half the kingdom," I said. "Which I still don''t understand."

    Weis looked up at the sky. "As long as Veles is playing the game, he''s playing by the rules. The moment no one is playing anymore, well, is the moment anything can happen. I could tell you that this is also a story and stories have power but preventing everyone in the Southern Kingdoms from panicking is also a part of this. Which, yes, means keeping them from knowing that there''s an Armageddon happening around them. You didn''t experience the Black Death. Imagine all of this but people knew."

    I didn''t let him divert the subject. "Where is my daughter?"

    "Is she your daughter?" Weis looked at me. "You don''t owe her or Zorya anything at this point. You were used as a glorified seed donor, and it''d be better if it ended there. Have some actual children. They''re terrible but worth it in the end. Usually. Believe me, I know."

    I finished making my own smore and pulled it back. "Where, Weis?"

    Weis stared at me. "She was born a week ago and aged to adulthood with a set of false memories. Her name is Rachel Morning and, yes, that was me being cheeky. You gave me the idea. She''s a student at the Wind Dragon Academy."

    "Wind Dragon Academy?" I asked.

    "The Air Temple," Weis said. "It''s a flying castle."

    "You put her next to one of the Old Gods," I replied.

    "Yes," Weis said. "Oddly, she''s safer there than anywhere else in the kingdom. She''s also in her twenties, studying to be a sorceress, and has a set of false memories to go with it. Zorya Nightbringer remains lucid unlike the other three Elemental Demons. So far, Nightbringer doesn''t expect her sister''s true identity."

    I paused. "You intend to use her as a weapon if I die."

    "Yes," Weis admitted. "I honestly didn''t think you''d get as far as you have but I have to make contigencies anyway. There''s no father-daughter bonding ahead for you, Aaron. Your daughter, if such can even be called such, has lived an entire life without you."

    My stomach rumbled as I pondered Weis'' words. I hadn''t been ready to be a father but I''d been psyching myself up to do the job anyway. There was a sense of both relief and disappointment in his words. Also, sadness, because Rachel had been manipulated by Weis just like I had. "There''s no point in seeking her out then, is there?"

    "If you reminded her of who she was, then she''s more likely to remember you as her lover," Weis said. "Which even I find creepy."

    I glared at him.

    "Just telling it like it is," Weis said, conjuring a jug and handing it to me.

    I took it and drank.

    Apple cider.

    Good. I wasn''t in the mood to get drunk.

    "Thank you," I said, passing it back. "I have one more question."

    "You''ve beaten two of the Old Gods," Weis said. "I''m willing to do you a favor on that end. Just note that I''m aware you don''t like being manipulated."

    "Who does?" I asked.

    "Most people," Weis said. "Very few people actually enjoy making decisions for themselves."

    "How many other people are you manipulating in my group?" I asked, looking up at him with an accusing eye.

    "You mean, did I arrange Ania to love you?" Weis asked, cutting to the core of my fears.

    "Not just her," I said, shrugging. "I had a few failed relationships before I came here but now I''m James Bond."

    "Which one? I think you can pull off Brosnan and Dalton but don''t pretend you''re at Connery level yet."

    I wasn''t in the mood. "I want to know what strings you''re pulling."

    Weis sighed. "I am manipulating your party but not in the way you''re thinking. Are you sure you want to know?"

    "Yes," I said, narrowing my eyes.

    "I made you to be Ania''s comfort dog," Weis said.

    I blinked. "What now?"

    "It''s why I selected you over your sister and nephew. That and other obvious reasons," Weis said. "The party around you isn''t the same for all the champions I''ve sent. I managed to assemble some of the greatest heroes in all the Southern Kingdoms to fight Veles. Most of them are dead now. Ania and Agata were only assigned, for lack of a better term, to the ones I believed had the best chance of winning."

    "They''re both traumatized by it," I said.

    "Yes," Weis said. "Except their entire lives are trauma and we don''t exactly have much in the way of therapy down here. The closest thing we do have is religion and you know that''s a double-edged sword. Ania...suffered badly. I didn''t even put the full lengths of her suffering in my books."

    I blinked. "You did put plenty of sex in them."

    "You Earthlings are so damned weird about that," Weis said, shaking his head. "I wasn''t turned on by it."

    I stared. "Right."

    Weis sighed. "Ania isn''t the daughter of Mokosh. She''s the granddaughter of the Voice of Perun. When Tomas'' father died, he left behind a widow that I was fond. She was the heir of the Rose family, and we grew close. My beard used to be red. It''s from me that her Divine Rank comes from."

    I stared at him. "So, you''re Agata''s grandfather too?"

    "No, she''s Maleor''s kid," Weis said. "The old vampire coveted Maria Rose long before he made her a vampire."

    I stared in horror. "Bloodstorm is.... with his sister?"

    "Ha!" Weis said, slapping one of his knees. "The look on your face.¡±

    I stared at him.

    "Sorry," Weis said. "Jon''s incest humor is so funny that I had to get in on it. Yes, Agata is my granddaughter too. She just got her mother''s hair. Either way, I''ve been trying to look after my grandkids as best I can."

    "You have a funny way of showing it," I muttered.

    "Don''t insult my attempts to help," Weis said. "There''s a reason they survived to become the unkillable badasses they were. Unfortunately, survival isn''t living. I made a gamble that Ania needed someone to comfort her as a way to stay sane and that person might well be you."

    "You don''t know me," I said, flatly. "You don''t know what motivates me."

    "I''m three thousand years old," Weis said. "I was there when the Celts settled Poland, and I was already old as shit then. Trust me, I know people. Sex and comfort are two of the most elemental things you can give someone. Especially for soldiers."

    "Ania means more than that to me," I said.

    "Of course she does," Weis said. "Dudes are hardwired to do stupid shit for women. It used to be treated as a virtue. The fact is you''re doing right by her but need to work on getting the rest of your party approval ratings up. You''ve been overfocused on romancing Ania to the exclusion of getting the other adventurers loyal to you."

    I stared at him. "What now?"

    ¡°Thistle, Ivan, and Joan are the weak links in your party right now,¡± Weis said. ¡°You have only a few days until you reach La T¨¨ne on the edge of the Great Forest. The elves have resettled that ancient city on the orders of the First Ranger. They don¡¯t realize that city was abandoned when the Vampire Lords were overthrown for a reason. The things they¡¯re awakening will appeal to the darker ambitions within them. You need to win their loyalty, or you won¡¯t be able to keep them when the darkness beneath reaches out.¡±

    I was very confused. ¡°What are you saying?¡±

    ¡°If you don¡¯t make them believe in you, Aaron,¡± Weis said, speaking very slowly. ¡°One of them will betray you and you¡¯ll have to kill them.¡±

    I stared at him.

    Then I woke up.

 Book Two - Chapter Twenty-Five - Of what price, magic

    I woke up to Jon staring at me. He was sitting on my chest and giving me a look with his black eyes.

    "Hi," I said, staring back at him.

    "I want to do it," Jon said.

    "It being?" I asked, unsure how to respond.

    "The dragon potion," Jon said. "I want to go full Smaug, burn Laketown, assemble a hoard, and snag a princess or two."

    I blinked. "I don''t think actual dragons do that."

    "You don''t know that many," Jon said.

    "I''ve met four," I replied. "Five counting their god."

    Jon paused. "Okay, that is a lot more than the majority of people living outside of those How to Tame Your Dragon movies. Still, I''ve had a lot of time to think."

    "It''s been a day," I replied.

    I turned my head to look to see if Ania was still beside me and to no one''s surprise, she was not. I was still inside the tent we''d erected, though, and lying naked underneath my bedroll. It was morning and the rest of the camp personnel was already moving about. My conversation with the Wise Man weighed on my mind even as I struggled to figure out what my next move should be.

    "Let me guess, you talked with Weis again," Jon said.

    "Yeah," I said.

    "You should tell him that I am very annoyed I''m not invited to these latest sessions," Jon said. "I saved your life the first time and got to mast--"

    "I remember," I replied.

    "I''m just saying, maybe I''d like to sleep with a murder goddess!" Jon said, pausing. "Maybe without the fact she''s now my kid, somehow."

    I didn''t respond.

    "Too soon?" Jon asked.

    I sighed and cast a CLEAN spell before getting dressed. "I need to talk to Ania about that."

    "Really? Because I think I''d never ever reveal that detail of your life," Jon said. "Ania is about as nurturing as an owlbear."

    "Those are copyrighted," I replied.

    "Not if I call them owlsines!" Jon said, displaying his usual bravado. "The Pathfinder way!"

    I shook my head. "You do that, Jon. I must focus on..."

    On what? Following Weis'' instructions? I wasn''t sure I wanted to do that anymore and I wasn''t just being obstinate about it. I was as committed as I was before to stopping Veles and his forces, but I didn''t think discount Gandalf was the best man for the job. He''d confessed to sending an assassin after the Dragon Queen because she hadn''t agreed with how to deal with Veles and the Old Gods. It had resulted in my cousin turning against him and throwing an enormous wrench in Weis'' plans.

    It wasn''t that I didn''t understand Weis'' reasoning. Despite what Alek said, I understood the hard calls. I just felt that if you kept making them without looking for alternatives, you forfeited your right to call them hard. I also didn''t think Alek''s vengeance spree against the Wise Man was going to benefit the world. Veles was going to kill everyone and, cliche or not, we had bigger concerns than one man''s vengeance. I also fully acknowledged that his situation was uncomfortably like my own. He''d fallen in love with the fictional heroine of a novel he loved, who turned out to be not-so-fictional after all. How would I react if, to save the world, Weis killed Ania? His granddaughter? I knew he would because he''d sent me to befriend Zorya and kill her.

    I knew exactly how I''d react. Weis would be dead, or I''d die trying. I also knew Ania would happily die to save the world.

    Dammit.

    I walked over to the middle of the camp where Ania was preparing breakfast in the same fire pit that I had sat with the Weis man. Given the remains of Graham crackers on the ground, I had the distinct impression it may not have been a dream.

    I took a deep breath. "So, yeah, Weis appeared to me last night. It turns out he''s your grandfather and killed the Dragon Queen so he could replace her because apparently, she had her own plans for dealing with Veles. That''s why Alek is on a killing spree and allied with Veles because he wants revenge. It turns out they hooked up. Alek and Celestyne I mean."

    Ania blinked, looking at me. "Okay."

    I tapped my fingers together, nervously. "There''s also something else you need to know. It turns out Zorya and I had a child that she slept with me to conceive. But the child¡¯s become an adult now. It''s the host body for her god force or something."

    Ania nodded. "Okay."

    I looked at her. "Okay?"

    "You''d prefer I be upset?" Ania asked. "Honestly, I was expecting Mokosh to show up with a child any day now. Maybe one she trained underneath a lake for decades. That¡¯s how Lancelot arrived in King Arthur¡¯s court, ya¡¯know. We could refer to him as Aaron the Younger.¡±

    I stared in horror. "Please don''t joke about that."

    "Who''s joking?" Ania asked. "The gods rarely do anything for a single reason and the pleasures of the flesh are rarely motive enough for that. If they want sex, they have whole hosts of messengers and worshipful souls at their disposal."

    That put an entirely new perspective on angels for me. "Alright, I was afraid you''d freak out."

    "Because you think I''d abandon our soul bond because you sired a bastard?" Ania asked. "Even though my father raised Garland under the auspices of being his natural born child. I''m not my mother, Aaron."

    "I see," I said, pausing. "I''m still getting used to the intricacies of this."

    "I mean, Thistle is seventy-six, and has like six bastards," Ania said. "Two she gave birth to."

    I paused, letting that sink in. "How?"

    "Magic," Ania said.

    "Ah," I said, blinking. "Ask a stupid question and get a stupid answer."

    This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    "That is life in general," Ania paused. "How do you feel about it?"

    "What?" I asked.

    Ania''s expression was sympathetic. "You were used as a stud horse by the Wise Man and Zorya Dawnbringer. I know how much you care about...things."

    "Things?" I asked.

    "People," Ania said, getting an awkward expression on her face. "It''s something I''m not used to encountering with the people I travel with. You''re reminding me that caring isn''t weak. Just..."

    "Kind?"

    "Stupid," Ania said, but with a smile that told me she was teasing me. "It seems you won''t have to raise this one, though."

    "Yeah," I said, sighing. "I guess not. She''s had her entire life already lived for her. I feel sorry for her."

    "Do you know her name?" Ania asked.

    I nodded.

    "Good, then you won''t accidentally end up sleeping with her," Ania said.

    I stared at her. "Ania, please."

    "I mean, deliberately is still possible," Ania said, not changing her usual monotone. "What did Jon call them? Daddy issues? We know all the Old Gods suffer from them despite having two. Sometimes three."

    "Not funny, Ania." Was everyone doing incest jokes now? Would I be god of them next?

    "It''s a little funny," Ania said before her expression became troubled. "Do you want children?"

    I paused, not having thought about that angle. "Excuse me?"

    "You seem...disappointed."

    I wasn''t sure how I felt. "I dunno. I never gave any thought to being a father. I was never in a position to support a child financially and the most serious relationship I was in prior to, uh, well, you were with someone who believed the traditional family unit was oppression."

    "Uh huh," Ania said, dryly. There was something in her expression that told me my ex¡¯s perspective on such things hit a bit too close to home.

    "She didn''t want to raise any children," I replied.

    "I used to believe the same thing," Ania said.

    "Used to?" I asked, surprised. Ania was internationally famous as a tomboy character after all.

    Agata called over. "As members of our class, Ania, you wouldn''t be required to raise your children. You would have nannies for them as is proper!"

    A horrified look passed across my face. "Your sister was listening?"

    "I imagine everyone in camp was listening." Ania said. "Just like they were listening when we were together last night."

    "Ah," I said, surveying the others around the camp. They were all looking guilty.

    I sighed. "I am terrible at keeping secrets."

    "Are we a secret?" Ania asked, smirking.

    "No, never," I answered her.

    Ania paused, her expression distant. "There''s something you should know, Aaron. That is if we''re to continue this. You''ll always be in my heart, but you may want to consider other options if you know it."

    "No, never," I said, pausing.

    Ania glared at me as I was dismissing her. "Hear me before we continue."

    "Alright," I said, wondering what she could mean. I already knew she was a murderer and that seemed like it covered most things I could learn about her.

    Ania stared. "I''ve read the books Weis wrote about our world on Jon''s lightning book. I know how much you know about my world. Which is a lot. But you don''t know everything."

    I nodded, acknowledging her point. "Okay."

    "The Dark Moon assassins are a sisterhood that is pledged to Zorya Nightbringer," Ania said, looking at me. She was now uncomfortably aware of the other people listening in and took me by the arm, leading me away from the camp.

    I followed her. "Yeah, the elves and humans have the same gods. Mostly."

    "I didn''t know she was corrupted into being the Wind Demon when I took my pledge," Ania said. "None of us did. All we knew was that pledges had grown darker and the costs greater. The Nightbringer turned the order from a group dedicated to making covert strikes against the enemies of the elves into something designed to spread chaos. We might have had peace between humans and elves dozens of times over if not for the Dark Moon disrupting that process."

    I wasn''t so sure about that, but I only had Weis'' treatment of them to go off. The Dark Moon elves were close to a terrorist group by the time the books had begun, attacking humans indiscriminately in hopes of terrifying them into backing off on their land grabs. As my world showed, you didn''t really need the direct hand of a god to make that sort of situation messier.

    "I never understood why Thistle spared your life to be honest," I said.

    "You''d have to ask her that," Ania said, looking away. "I was a woman by Ledzianian standards, but just barely, when I was recruited by her. I''d already witnessed the slaughter of my family and had been kept a hostage in the capital to my sister''s good behavior. The guards were not kind and my back still has scars from where they''d made demonstrations with a whip of what would happen to me if Agata didn''t obey the Mad Queen. Piotr rescued me but his route took us right through elvish territory--"

    "I''m sorry about Piotr," I said, interrupting her. I didn''t want to point out I''d seen and felt those scars every time we''d been intimate.

    Ania paused. "He sold us out to Veles, didn''t he? Well before Veles took over his body."

    "Technically, he only sold me out," I replied, weakly defending him.

    "He sold all of us out," Ania replied. "You, me, and every other Undermaster. He broke his oath and he''s probably in the Realm of the False."

    I didn''t really have a response to that. "Right."

    Ania looked down. "Aaron, do you know when I realized I loved you?"

    "I''m still surprised you do," I admitted.

    Ania snorted. "It was when you rode on Stompy into the air to distract Chernabog from attacking us.¡±

    "When I almost died?" I asked.

    "Yes," Ania said, looking up at me. "It''s when I realized, holy hells, you were actually sincere in all of your attempts to help me and my world. It wasn''t just a game for you. You were generally willing to die to save people that were fictional in your world."

    I paused. "It wasn''t people. It was you. Also, the others, but mostly you."

    Ania shook her head. "I''m used to people being hypocrites, liars, and betrayers. Even Garland wasn''t always on the up and up. You, you on the other hand, were the real deal. That''s when I knew I couldn''t lose you."

    "Thanks," I said, pausing. "It was really stupid of me."

    "I wish we had more of your kind of stupid," Ania said. "We need more people like you instead of Piotr. You get to know a person''s true self on the edge of a blade."

    The story in the second book hadn''t shown Piotr in a great light either. He''d bribed one of the guards to let him take Ania then murdered him, framing another guard to take the fall. From there, Piotr had planned to take Ania to the Sisters of Mokosh, but he''d run away when the elves butchered his men during their travels. Later, he''d welcomed Ania and even sponsored her as the first female Undermaster to remove her threat to the Mad Queen''s rule, but it had been a calculated act designed to get Ania''s forgiveness.

    ¡°Yeah,¡± I said. ¡°He ran away and left you behind.¡±

    "The Dark Moon assassins were beautiful and terrifying when they massacred Piotr''s men," Ania said, a wistful look in her eyes. "Powerful. I wanted to be like them. Moreover, when Thistle explained what the Dark Moon was doing, fighting the Royal Family, I wanted to join more than anything. I didn''t care that they were warring on humanity. I said I would do anything to be one of them."

    "I''m surprised they let you join," I said.

    Ania nodded. "Thistle''s voice carried more weight than she knew. Thistle claims she''s as free as any other elf but all of them were cowed by her presence. Thistle took me as her mistress and trained me. Even so, I don''t think she expected me to survive the Dark Moon''s Trials. The final test, what allowed you to access the Dark Moon''s magic, was to give up something of immense value."

    The books had been incredibly vague about what Ania had sacrificed. "And the Dark Moon, Zorya Nightbringer, was a monster by this point."

    Ania didn''t respond, clearly lost in the memory. "Yeah, the sacrifices imposed were always sadistic, but we didn''t know it. Spirit had to murder her human lover. Honeycomb had to forsake any contact with her family forever after. Thistle...well, that''s her story to share. I actually laughed when the Nightbringer named my sacrifice."

    I wasn''t sure what could induce that reaction. "What did she ask?"

    "Something I never wanted," Ania said. "Something I thought was a trap for women. I wanted to be a warrior like my father and brother. A life that didn''t have any room for being laid up for a year and then struggling with responsibilities for decades after."

    It took me a bit to get what she was saying. "You gave up your ability to have children."

    I suddenly hated Zora Nightbringer and decided I would take her on next if I could. The Wind Demon had to pay for this.

    Ania frowned. "Yeah. I never expected I''d meet someone I''d actually want to have them with."

    Wow. That was...big. Even more than proclaiming me her ke''tar. Maybe because it wasn''t filtered through a fantasy lens. It was just raw emotion.

    I didn''t realize I hadn''t responded until Ania responded. "Does this change anything between us?"

    I hugged and kissed her. "Not a bit."

    Ania smiled again, this one looking a lot more natural. "Good. Because we''ll probably die horribly on the quest anyway."

    "If we survive--"

    "If we survive," Ania said, cut me off with a kiss. "We''ll have each other. Whatever else will be a gift."

 Book Two - Chapter Twenty-Six - Conversations with the party

    Ania departed and I watched her walk away, my attention around the hip area. That was when I heard a familiar voice speak in the back of my head.

    Mmm, mmm, mmm, the voice said. I hate to see them leave but always enjoy watching them go. I''ve got to say, Mokosh was onto something when she made those paladin catsuits. You don''t just get the cake, you get the entire bakery.

    I stiffened and my eyes widened. Perun?

    Hey man! Perun responded, sounding suspiciously like Matthew McConnehey for some reason. This was surprising since his avatar had previously looked like Dolph Lungren. I wasn''t sure why this bothered me. Sorry about trying to take over your body. I was a little overwhelmed by the whole living again thing. We cool?

    I needed a second to process this. No! No, we are not cool! You tried to take me over!

    Sorry! Perun said. I was thinking you''d be happier being me. I am awesome after all.

    You''re dead and not getting my body, I said, gritting my teeth. I dealt with one interloper; I can deal with another.

    Yeah, yeah, Perun said, sounding like he was ready to pop open a brewski. Technically, I dealt with Chernabog. Anyway, I''m happy to let you have your body, grandson. It wouldn''t be heroic to steal it. Just think of me as your very own personal Johnny Silverhand.

    One, Johnny Silverhand is an asshole, I replied. Two, Cyber Dragons 2080 is better.

    Cyber Dragons 2080 is the same game, Perun pointed out. The only difference is it has orcs and elves.

    Yes, why it''s better, I replied. Listen, Perun, I''m dealing enough problems right now. I really don''t need dissociative identity disorder.

    If you''re talking to me, it''s not DID, its schizophrenia, Perun pointed out. However, I''m here so it''s neither. I''m just offering myself as an incarnation of the marks you''ve absorbed and to provide some much-needed advice. Think of me as your narrator.

    No, I replied. Though it''s nice to know who was making those incredibly tasteless achievements.

    I thought they were funny, Perun replied. Anyway, you can get an easy one by punching Weis the next time you see him.

    He''s your chosen, I pointed.

    Yes, and I chose him because he reminded me of my brother, Perun said. I''ll give you a hint which one: not Svarog.

    Weis isn''t that bad, I thought, wondering how I ended up defending the man who''d pissed me off so much. It seemed everyone in the Southern Kingdoms hated the Wise Man but I wasn''t seeing a lot of options for fighting the Dark Lord.

    My chosen has good intentions but doesn''t believe in GLORIOUS HEROIC DESTINY! The final three words were shouted in the back of my brain and echoed like we were in a cavern. My ears rang despite it being all in my head and I rubbed the side of my temples.

    "Mothersucker!" I said, aloud.

    You''ve got a GLORIOUS HEROIC DESTINY, Aaron, Perun said. Absorb the remaining marks of the champion, level up, become a full god, and we''ll kick Veles'' ass off Bald Mountain to the tune of "Princes of the Universe" by Queen. Weis needs to believe in our heroic motorcycle-riding through hoops of fire while the crowds chant awesomeness. Less duplicitous spy shit and more flying off the top rope into an atomic elbow drop pro-wrestling with ring girls swooning! Woo!

    Is this a plot to get me to absorb more essence so you can try to take me over again? I asked. Because we need less Macho Man Randy Savage and Ric Flair in your pitch.

    No, it''s a plot to get you to be awesome! Perun said. Let me be your Mister Miyagi! Dare to be great!

    Would you please leave? I asked. Like, go back to sleep or death or whatever. I have people I need to talk to. Also, don''t watch me when I''m having sex.

    Like Jon isn''t already doing that, Perun said. But fine, call me when you need me. My number is 555-BAD-ASSS.

    I waited for several seconds to see if Perun''s mind had departed but received no sign he was there. I even deluded myself with the possibility that he was only appearing for a short moment as a kind of echo from my coma. However, I didn''t believe that for long--I wasn''t that lucky. "Great, I''m drowning in gods."

    No response.

    Good.

    Heading to the rest of the camp, I used my CREATE FOOD spell to conjure myself a McDonalds Sausage Egg McMuffin as well as an orange juice. Given it was the first time I''d ever used the spell, I was a little surprised at how well it worked but I wasn''t about to complain. The paper cup and straw disintegrated after I was done with them, and I took a moment to look for some of my new party members to talk to.

    I didn''t necessarily believe Weis when he said that one of them would betray me if I didn''t get their loyalty score up, but I didn''t not believe him either. As much as I didn''t care for treating the people of this world like video game characters, there was something to be said for the fact that it was close enough to one to work. Loyalty missions were hardly a new thing to the genre either.

    In the end, I decided on talking with Ivan first. Mostly because he was the first one of our groups I saw and second because we probably did need to hash out what we were doing politics wise. Maybe I wouldn''t support him for King of Ledziania, but I planned to at least let him make me a pitch before I decided resurrecting a dead heroine was the best solution. I couldn''t let how shitty the ending of the Dark Undermaster series influence how I made my choices.

    Ivan Crookback was sitting in normal traveling attire, one of his shoulders visibly above the other, whittling of all things. He was constructing a handmade chess set and the pieces were surprisingly intricate. So much so that I think he could have made good models for Epic DungeoneeringTM. It was a hobby I wouldn''t have expected from him.

    Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

    "Hi, Ivan," I said, waving.

    "Prince Ivan," Ivan corrected.

    I grimaced. "Sorry about that."

    "You''ve killed gods," Ivan said. "Technically, you are one yourself. I understand the ratkin of your hometown call you the Great Provider since a magical sewer system appeared for them to take refuge in. A priest of yours blessed me before we left, claiming I was now traveling with the Push God."

    I blinked. "I have no idea whether you''re being sarcastic or not."

    Ivan looked up. "Believe me, I could never come up with something so ridiculous."

    He had a point.

    I cleared my throat. "Listen, I think we need to clear the air about some things--"

    "Have you ever actually killed a dragon, Ser Aaron?" Ivan asked.

    I blinked. "Pardon?"

    "I know you''ve survived multiple encounters with them and that is more than most people have, most hardened warriors in fact, but I mean actually slaying one," Ivan replied.

    "No," I replied. "The only dragon that has died by my efforts was Boris Poppy. I got Chernabog to kill him."

    "Ah, Boris," Ivan said, pausing as if remembering the man. "Somehow, a man capable of thinking that he was destined to rule as king but lacking every single quality that might make one believe him capable."

    "Everyone wants the big chair," I replied. "Very few are worthy of it."

    Ivan grimaced at my description of the throne of Ledziania. "What I mean is we''re likely to encounter a dragon who needs to be slain in Cezary."

    "He''s a dragon now?" I asked.

    Ivan nodded. "Veles is the first dragon and from his blood all other members of his race were born, or the curses of his fellow gods. I think it must have been a less than subtle insult that the ones the gods wish to destroy they either turn into dragons or make mad."

    "Your sister made a good effort of it," I said.

    "Polly used the magics found in the Dragon Pit of Dragon Keep cursing Celes," Ivan said. "She used the magic to leave her near mindless and it has since proven to be an utterly stupid decision on her part. The fact is that Cezary will mature into a dragon soon, if he hasn''t already, and become every bit the threat that Celes is but without her redeeming qualities."

    I frowned. "We''ve been able to take gods. We''ll be able to take Cezary."

    "What then?" Ivan asked.

    "I''m sorry?" I asked.

    Ivan lifted a chess piece that was a more than passable likeness of myself. It was placed in the black knight''s position. "When I offered myself as a compromise candidate for Celestyne, it was not because of pure ambition but I don''t think the option will be open very long for anything else. If Polly isn''t mind-controlled by her son then we''ll have to kill her."

    "Yes," I said, fully suspecting that to happen.

    "But there''s another element that needs to be acknowledged," Ivan said. "Celestyne is dead and you think you can raise her from the dead."

    I blinked. "I don''t--"

    "Your bird is a chatty sort," Ivan said. "He mentioned the resurrection coin in our first ten minutes of conversation."

    "Oh."

    "It won''t work," Ivan said. "Assuming you can deal with this imposter, you will divide her forces into people who believe you--which will be less than you think if you reveal you aren''t Garland--and people who assume you assassinated her then tried to substitute an imposter. Ironically, what the Wise Man actually did."

    I stared at him. "You think it''s you or no one. We''ll never win over the Mad Quee...err, Apollonia. Also, if we deal with the fake Dragon Queen then her followers will be utterly demoralized unless we can somehow do it in secret. Also, we don''t even know if the coin will work on Celestyne. She might refuse resurrection like Garland."

    "I didn''t know that but now that you mention it, yes," Ivan said. "However, you''re wrong. It''s not just me or no one. There is another option still."

    "Which is?" I asked.

    "Marry the imposter," Ivan said.

    I blinked. "What."

    Ivan sighed. "I''ve been thinking extensively about this and it occurred to me that I was overly forward in my attempts to become king. It made me appear grasping and perhaps I was. Certainly, it made Polly think I was a threat to her reign or her son''s."

    "Given you planned on killing Cezary, she was right," I replied.

    Ivan looked down at the ground. "I looked for other ways, believe me. Spells, priests, and exorcists. You cannot change a demigod''s nature. Divine magic is shaped by the true character of its wielder. Look at you. You aren''t Perun. You''re a fluffy white rabbit god."

    Okay, I wasn''t sure if I should be offended by that or not. "I got it. Kid was a serial killer."

    "What an odd term," Ivan said. "I would just say mass murderer. The thing is that I should have noted that I could have used my skills behind the scenes. Celestyne never trained as a ruler and her skills were mixed. She was a fantastic war leader but actually administering? Well, honestly, I think the imposter is doing a better job."

    "Get back to the marriage part, what now?" I asked, repeating my confusion.

    "She is an agent of Weis," Ivan pointed out. "That means we are on the same side. The living versus the dead. Mokosh and Mythras versus the Old Gods. You versus Veles."

    "I''m not sure that''s true," I said, staring down at him. "After all, she burned Jon to death when he was Weis'' champion."

    "Having spoken to your bird more than the twenty minutes I needed to learn everything, I understand that feeling absolutely," Ivan replied. "But if the Dragon Queen weds the legendary Garland of Nowhere, she will seal off most of the nobility that would compete for her affection while turning to me. I will support you as her chancellor and be able to run the country as needed. I promise I''ll enact every possible reform for the nonhumans. I''ll hang the pogrom participants. I''ll break the walls of the dwarvish ghettos. I''ll even sign the damn treaty of my father with the elves. We''ll all fight together against Veles. But you''ll have to force Weis to return power via his proxy and I''ll trust you to keep his agent away from the throne''s politics."

    I stared at him. "Why would you agree to this?"

    "Since I believe you can arrange it," Ivan said. "Also, because I believe if the False Queen is killed, you have a potion that will allow us to substitute our own."

    "You don''t need me to marry anyone for that to work," I said.

    "Yes, I do," Ivan said. "I don''t trust oaths that aren''t sealed by blood."

    "I''m not going to marry someone for politics."

    Ivan shook his head. "You are so much like Garland. I remembered when he visited the court. He refused to bed Polly, kicked Cezary in the stomach when he threatened Agata, and said if I was so righteous that I shouldn''t be on the side I was."

    I probably would have slept with Apollonia. I''m kind of terrible at self-control and was a big fan of Eva Green (her best role was the Mad Queen). I didn''t say that, though. "Then you should know I feel."

    "Ania wouldn''t care," Ivan said. "She doesn''t want to marry anyone. But you might also find the imposter more interesting than you think."

    I had no idea where he was going with this and wasn''t sure I wanted to. "What do you mean?"

    "Transformation is not what people think it is," Ivan said. "When you transform into a bird, you acquire many birdlike qualities. The fact Jon is annoying as fuck for example and obsessed with shiny things. His brief flirtation with being a bird of prey. However, becoming a specific person is another thing. That slowly destroys who you are."

    "I''m sorry?" I asked, wishing I wasn''t so weak in WIS. This was another emotional issue I had trouble understanding.

    "Cezary considered stealing my body once," Ivan said. "Perhaps another reason my sister banished me. He wanted to be king far earlier than his living mother allowed. Unfortunately, Veles had given his protection to her. It required his teacher in magic, Hellmaster Pollux the Vermin Lord, to explain that you will eventually become a specific person you steal the body from. The brain is not easily rewritten."

    "Okay," I said, still not getting his point.

    Ivan frowned. "She may be an imposter, but it is very likely the Dragon Queen is as close to the real thing can be imagined. You don''t have to try to resurrect the original. Maybe you could fall in love with her. You are basically becoming Garland, are you not?"

    "No," I said. "I am not."

    Ivan shrugged. "Don''t let your love for the beautiful Lady Rose destroy our chance for an army and peace. She''d never forgive you for it."

    I shook my head and walked away.

    "Save some of that anger for when we''re slaying my nephew!" Ivan called as I departed. "If Jorg is the one handling the elvish negotiations, Cezary is almost certainly there!"

    Great.

    Another dragon.

 Book Two - Chapter Twenty-Pope-ing Around

    "So, you need to talk about marrying the Dragon Queen?" Jon asked, sitting on a branch of a nearby tree.

    "No," I said. "We''re not doing that."

    "Really? Because in the books this is the kind of question the hero agonizes over," Jon said.

    I took a deep breath. "This is a terrible plan that would require me to lie about my identity for the rest of my life. We''re resurrecting the Dragon Queen anyway. Ivan''s motivations are highly suspect--"

    "Really? Because I think his motivations are to gain as much power as possible," Jon said. "However, you''re not going to get a better deal from him."

    I frowned. "Right."

    "We also have an alternative candidate," I pointed out, not mentioning her by name.

    "You mean the Popelette," Jon said. "Bad idea."

    "She seems nice," I said, aware that wasn''t the best endorsement for someone to have ultimate power.

    "Yes, because mixing religion and government has never backfired in the past," Jon replied, looking over at her. She was sitting on a log staring forward.

    I glared at Jon. "I''ve got a lot of irons in the fire man, okay. I don''t need people suggesting I marry queens or sleep with goddesses or trying to use me. Which sucks because everyone is doing that."

    "Oh you poor baby," Jon said. "Wait, are you resisting this plan because you want to be monogamous with Ania?"

    Jon''s beak hung open in horror.

    I rolled my eyes. "Yes, because sleeping with Ania for the rest of my life is such a chore. Am I attracted to other women? Yes. I absolutely would sleep with Mokosh again. I don''t regret that I was with Zorya, however tragic the ending. Have I thought about Thistle ever since I saw how those pants ride up her...."

    I noticed Jon looking away.

    "Ania''s behind me, isn''t she?" I asked, turning around.

    She was standing there, her expression lacking any real emotion "Aaron, do you talk about anything other than stories from your world''s fiction or sex?"

    "Sometimes I talk about how I am terrified of failing and how much my family embarrasses me," I said.

    Ania nodded. "In any case, I''ve noticed that Joan is somewhat depressed seeming. You should go speak with her."

    "You care about people''s feelings now?" Jon asked, raising his wing. "AWAY VILE HARLOT! I KNOW YOU ARE A DOPPELGANGER! BACK TO THE DARK DIMENSION WITH YOU!"

    Ania stared, remaining stone faced. "Uh huh."

    "Jon, please."

    "Seriously, this is the Ania from Nega-Mokosh where up is down and left is right," Jon said. "She probably collects tiny wooden horses and listens to Taylor Swift. What''s next? Her wearing colors other than blood red or black?"

    Ania blinked. "I do, in fact, like tiny wooden horses and used to collect them. Also, I have heard the music selection on your ebook reader. She is the woman who is shaking it off, correct?"

    "Ah! Demon!" Jon said, taking flight and disappearing over the treetops.

    "What a strange bird," I said, watching him leave.

    "You can''t marry the Dragon Queen," Ania said, her voice never changing tone. "I''m not giving you up."

    "Oh, good, we''re in agreement," I said.

    "Seducing her or the Mad Queen might get us the army, though," Ania said. "So keep that as an option."

    I facepalmed. "My life is never-ending chaos."

    Ania sighed. "I don''t like being emotionally supportive, Aaron. I don''t like being nice to people. I prefer to keep myself as cold and unfeeling as the steel I carry."

    "I hadn''t noticed," I said, not meeting her gaze.

    "But my sister is with me, I''m with a man I love, my father''s spirit is at peace, and we''ve actually won some meaningful victories against Veles. As such, I''m trying to be..." Ania trailed off.

    "Nice?" I asked.

    "No, that doesn''t sound like me," Ania paused. "Amenable. I also understand how important morale can be, especially in a fragile alliance as the one we''ve found ourselves in. So, knowing that I am terrible at dealing with people, I''d like to send you to do it in my place. Ivan is secure, I believe, he has no other allies. Joan is someone who needs a family and I think we can be that for her. Being, as, well, we are her family."

    "And Thistle?" I asked.

    "I hate her," Ania said, looking away to a nearby tree where I saw the elf was meditating in the treetops.

    Naked.

    Which was how elves meditated it seemed.

    Huh.

    I blinked. "Okay."

    "And I loved her," Ania said. "But she never loved me. She wasn''t capable. I can''t help but also feel like I had a child''s idea of what love was when we were together. I mourned her, buried her, and moved on. Now she''s back, like she never left, and it''s hard not to have mixed emotions."

    "Mixed like threatening to kill her and showing off your new boyfriend?" I asked.

    "Yes," Ania said, sounding just the slightest bit embarrassed. "I know you have the plan to resurrect the Dragon Queen, don''t say otherwise, I know how you think. You want to right wrongs as much as avenge them. However, that''s Veles'' magic at work and I don''t trust it. Thistle claims to have been redeemed by the Pontiff''s magic but I can''t believe it''s that easy. It''s not Veles'' magic I fear tainting her but the Nightbringer''s. Thistle was always the most devoted of us to the Dark Moon and her call to vengeance. Even if she''s not tainted by either, she''s been dead for a decade and who knows what changes that has caused her."

    This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

    "You think she might be a spy or assassin," I said, pausing. "I mean, for the enemy. She''s a spy and assassin professionally."

    Yeah, clearly I needed to sink some more points into WIS.

    "Or a trap," Ania said, not commenting on my idiotic statement. "Someone to break us up or seduce us or both."

    "Right," I said. "Look but don''t touch."

    Ania scrunched her brow. "Is your mind really still there?"

    "Maybe!" I said, embarrassed.

    Ania sighed. "Do I need to get you--"

    Realizing what she was about to offer, I said, "No, no, it''s fine. I''m very clear headed. I know what our boundaries are."

    I absolutely did not or know what I wanted out of things. I wanted to be with Ania and she wanted to be with me but I wasn''t sure whether monogamy was in her vocabulary. Indeed, Mokosh had literally said our relationship would benefit if I made her jealous. Which was a messed-up thing to hear from the goddess of love. The fact was, I didn''t want anyone else. I could look at the menu and appreciate it was there, but I wanted my favorite.

    Ugh, that sounded so sexist.

    But I was in love.

    You can love someone and still bang other people, Perun¡¯s voice spoke in my head. Really, it¡¯s the key to a successful marriage among gods.

    Tell that to Zeus and Hera, I replied, unhappy to find that my electric passenger was still with me.

    Zeus is a rapist who also doesn¡¯t let Hera play around, Perun said. Also, he banged his mother and grandmother. That¡¯s just weird.

    Do I want to know about you and the Zoryas? I asked.

    Are we counting reincarnations and alternate identities? Perun asked. Because I¡¯ve been my own other gods and my own descendants a few times.

    That¡¯s not a denial, I replied.

    Says you.

    So, you slept with your daughters, I said, disgusted.

    Dude, I¡¯m you right now so that means I¡¯ve banged Dawnbringer and our daughter who is Dawnbringer. So, no throwing stones in glass houses.

    Right, I replied, blinking. Not sure how to untangle that even with a 24 INT.

    You¡¯ve also already slept Nightbringer but only in her human avatar. So, congratulations, you¡¯ve already hit the trifecta.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: MAIDEN, MOTHER, AND GILF

    50 ¨C (A) SLEEP WITH ALL THREE GODDESSES OF LOVE

    ¡°What?¡± I asked aloud.

    Eh, spoilers, Perun replied. Probably shouldn¡¯t have said anything. If you want to continue your divine spree. You¡¯ll have to either broaden your horizons or convince the male gods to assume a female avatar. Personally, I have strong preferences on my shape, but Veles would have won the war if he¡¯d pulled a Loki and looked like Angelina Jolie instead of Peter Stormare. Sorry, hoss, but this monogamy thing isn¡¯t going to last an hour with you.

    I was annoyed and insulted as well as arguing with a voice in my head. Great, I¡¯m in a harem anime with a horny ghost god.

    Not a harem. More like monogamy with exceptions. You and Odysseus have a lot in common. So do you and Garland. You and Ania herself. You and your daughter who banged two dudes and one genderbending elf at the Wind Temple yesterday. Takes after her mom, or herself, I guess.

    ¡°Wait, is that where she is?¡± I asked aloud, mentally deciding to go to the Wind Temple next.

    Oops, gotta go! Perun said before vanishing from the back of my mind again.

    I shook my head and started toward Joan before looking down at her. ¡°Before we continue, Joan, can our subsequent conversation be PG instead of PG-13? I¡¯ve had way, way too much cringe in my brain today.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know what that means,¡± Joan said. ¡°Though I¡¯m guessing from your never-ending struggles with being teased, it has to do with either incest or conjugal relations.¡±

    ¡°You could say that,¡± I said. ¡°Should I ask Ania to marry me?¡±

    Probably something I should have asked Agata or, you know, a grown woman but I was in a bad headspace.

    ¡°I think she¡¯d stab you,¡± Joan said.

    ¡°Probably,¡± I said.

    ¡°But she¡¯d feel really bad about it,¡± Joan said. ¡°Are you okay, Aaron?¡±

    ¡°No,¡± I replied. ¡°But I¡¯m here to ask about you.¡±

    ¡°I miss my dog,¡± Joan said, staring down at the ground.

    ¡°Oh,¡± I replied. ¡°Wait, you mean Sparky?¡±

    ¡°Yes,¡± Joan said. ¡°He was a good friend even if I only knew him a week. I think I may have inadvertently driven him from the group. I thought he needed to train more before he was ready to be a Dark Undermaster. Dragon or not.¡±

    ¡°I think that was more his mother,¡± I said, softy. ¡°Besides, I¡¯m not comfortable with having a kid brought into dangerous situations.¡±

    Joan looked up.

    ¡°Right,¡± I said, sighing. ¡°No offense, that includes you.¡±

    ¡°I managed to drive off Belobog,¡± Joan said.

    "I''m not saying you''re not an overpowered little moppet," I replied, taking a joking tone. "But I also know that if you get yourself horribly killed then I''m going to never forgive myself."

    "Girls my age are getting horribly killed all the time," Joan said. "This is a war for the life of all beings."

    I didn''t disagree. "Yeah, it is. But unless you can turn yourself into an adult, say twenty or so, I don''t think that I can do anything more than try to protect you."

    "I can--"

    "Please don''t," I replied, raising my hands. "That wasn''t a suggestion, Jon has made enough Sailor Moon jokes."

    Joan sighed. "Yes, he asked me if Mythras was grooming me and whether or not I could point to where he touched me on the doll."

    I blinked. "How is Jon still alive?"

    Joan closed her eyes. "I have no idea. To be clear, Mythras only sleeps with a portion of his priestesses and all over thirty. He prefers women with experience."

    "Yay him," I said, sarcastically. "I suppose that makes it all better."

    "Doesn''t it?" Joan asked, confused.

    I paused. "Okay, point to Team Mythras. Not a child grooming cult. So, uh, you''re upset because of Sparky, huh?"

    "No," Joan said. "Well, not just Sparky. I''ve been consulting the oracles all day. Our chances are extremely low."

    "Oracles?" I asked.

    "Dice," Joan said, showing a pair of dice twenty-siders that just made this world even weirder. "Each number has a meaning when I channel them and if I''m lucky then I get an accompanying vision."

    "Ah," I said. "So, in addition to being the Pope, you''re also Mua''dib."

    "Sure, I know who that it is too," Joan said, sarcastically. "In most realities, we all die before we defeat the four Old Gods, let alone triumph over Veles."

    "Most, but not all," I replied.

    "Yes," Joan said. "In one reality, you manage to defeat Veles but die in the process. Svarog, Mokosh, and Mythras also die in the process with the Old Gods unable to form new avatars. Without the gods to hold back the Twisted Ones, all seems lost. Your daughter rises to become a terrifying god queen who dominates this world for a thousand years. She eventually conquers Earth as well a dozen other inhabited worlds.¡±

    "Not great," I replied.

    "In the next reality, you are wed to the Dragon Queen and successfully unite the Empire with the Southern Kingdoms into a terrifying magocracy," Joan said. ¡°Your compassion has been stolen from you by Zorya Nightbringer and instead of a dark lord trying to exterminate everyone, you are a calculating dictator who controls them in the name of the greater good. Worse, you¡¯re too smart to do it poorly like most tyrants. People don¡¯t bother to resist even as every decision is made for them. They only care they¡¯re happy and taken care of. Ironically, I believe this was the Wise Man¡¯s planned world, but you succeed where he never could.¡±

    "Ah, the Gandalf with the One Ring ending. Let''s call that Plan Z," I replied, surprised I was Gandalf in this situation. "Any others where Veles doesn¡¯t kill everyone?"

    ¡°One,¡± Joan said. "There''s a reality where I''m eighteen, covered in glowing tattoos, and riding a magical two wheeled device in a city full of giant obelisk-shaped castles with people that have metal parts. You''re there with your usual collection of exotic companions holding a modernized blunderbuss working to take down Epic Dungeoneering via a heist. Oh, and Ania is pregnant with something called a nano-baby."

    I blinked, processing that she was describing Cyber Dragons 2080. "Are you having a go at me, Lollipop? Also, you forgot the trademark."

    ¡°I like lollipops but fear you¡¯re making a pun,¡± Joan said. ¡°In any case, none of these visions necessary mean anything.¡±

    ¡°Oh?¡± I asked, confused. ¡°Why?¡±

    ¡°The Wise Man and Veles can both see the future as well,¡± Joan said. ¡°Thus, they take steps to alter the probabilities of fate in their own direction. That¡¯s why they¡¯ve arranged their game the way they have. It¡¯s the only way to keep things in a somewhat orderly pattern.¡±

    ¡°I thought it was because Weis beat Veles in game of Pwiffle,¡± I said.

    ¡°That too,¡± Joan said. ¡°I like Pwiffle. Would you like to play a game?¡±

    I stared at her as I struggled with my inner demons. ¡°Do not tempt me!¡±

    ¡°Uh, what?¡±

    ¡°I admit I have longed for this, but I would use Pwiffle, trying to be good, but it is a force that can only be used for evil!¡± I deliberately quoted Gandalf in hopes of drawing from his will to resist the One Ring.

    ¡°Are you okay, Mr. Bartkowski?¡±

    ¡°I must fly! Fly from this place!¡± I said, swishing my Dark Undermaster cloak and speeding away.

    I heard her say as I departed, ¡°What an odd fellow.¡±

    Now it was time to talk to Thistle.

 Book Two - Chapter Twenty-Eight - The Traitor

    I came across Thistle while she was behind some bushes, getting dressed.

    "Uh, hey," I said, pausing. "I was curious if we could talk."

    "Why?" Thistle said, not looking especially concerned about being seen. I caught a glimpse of the fact she was very toned in places that drew attention, like a women''s volleyball player or swimmer.

    I paused. "Because Larry C.C. Weiss said that if I didn''t work to get all of the party members on my side then one of you would betray me and then I would have to kill you."

    Thistle paused in mid-dressing and turned to look at me. "That bothers you, doesn''t it? The killing, more than the treason."

    "Uh, yeah," I said, trying to keep my eyes focused on her ears versus anything else.

    "Why?" Thistle asked.

    I blinked. "I''m not a big fan of killing people. I''ve done a lot more of it than I''ve ever wanted to but I try not to make a habit of it if I can avoid it."

    "Ah," Thistle said.

    "Plus, I think killing you would especially aggrieve Ania," I said.

    "That is a lie," Thistle said, coolly. I was starting to get a sense of where Ania picked up a lot of her personality quirks. "Ania despises the part of her that fell in love with me. She mourned my death but was secretly relieved to be free of me."

    "I don''t believe that," I said, wondering why I was trying to be nice to my girlfriend''s ex. Oh, right, I didn''t want her stabbing me in the night.

    "Did Ania tell you of the sacrifice?" Thistle asked. "The rite that was the cost of our magic?"

    This was an awkward conversation because I''d just learned about what Ania had sacrificed. It had been an intimate moment between us. "Yeah, she told me."

    Thistle put on the rest of her clothes, which was a welcome relief. Seriously, Punk girls were my kryptonite. And mean girls. And redheads. Also, goddesses. Monsters. Ugh. Why was I such a geeky stereotype? "The sacrifice Ania made was one she would later come to regret but it was merciful compared to the one I made."

    "I doubt she''d see it that way," I said, pausing. "What was your sacrifice?"

    Thistle stared at me. It was a cold and haunted gaze. "I had to give up my ability to love."

    I blinked. "Your ability to love. By that¡ª"

    "I mean my ability to feel the bond between two people where you would care for someone more than yourself even unto death," Thistle said. "The ultimate curse from a love goddess and one that I should have realized was a sign that the Nightbringer had been corrupted."

    "I''m sorry," I said.

    "You do not understand," Thistle said, looking up into the sky as if searching for the moon that was presently on the other side of the planet. "I am a mother, technically father but let''s not get into that, and I could never care for my own children as anything other a fondness. My comrades in arms, those who were supposed to be my sisters, in the Dark Moon were only ever expendable pawns. my lovers--"

    "Ania," I said.

    Thistle closed her eyes. "That is its own story. Did the magic books from your world, the ones that contain our histories, talk about my origin?"

    "Not particularly," I replied.

    To be honest, Thistle seemed like she existed to teach Ania how to kill people and provide a lot of steamy girl on girl love scenes before dying horribly. Frankly, it was amazing she had as big a fandom as she did.

    "My sister and I are survivors of La T¨¨ne," Thistle said. "It was the last elven city and the resettlement of it by her is a bad sign."

    "I don''t know much of the story," I replied. "The elves are kind of, well, not the focus of the books."

    Thistle looked away. "I will make it simple then: Old King Frederick''s father destroyed it. The Elfslayer had grown sick of the constant waylaying of the lumber shipments and the harassment of farmers by elvish archers. So he decided to make an example of the city despite the fact, perhaps because of, that it had humans living in peace with the elves. The elves are not that different from humans and our numbers thin. Interbreeding is so much that every elf has some human in them and most Ledzianians have elf, though few would ever admit it. It is the magic of bonding ourselves with a life tree that gives us our extended lifespan as well as pointed ears. Humans who make the pact as adults are called dryads and fauns, which might have been Ania''s path if she''d not embraced the warrior way."

    "I''m sorry," I said, imagining the massacre.

    "My sister, Rhoeas, and I dealt with the agony in different ways," Thistle said. "Rhoeas wanted to rebuild the city and resettle. She believed in peace and reproachment with humans but also despised that the elves continually lost every extended engagement with humans. Anarchy is a poor system for raising and directing armies after all. She believed only by becoming like humans could we maintain our lands."

    "And you?" I asked.

    "I just wanted to kill people," Thistle said. "My pact with the Nightbringer did not take away my capacity for hate. Ania has killed many people as a Dark Moon assassin but in many ways, she has the least blood on her hands. My arrows and swords are dipped in the ichor of the innocent as well as guilty. Before my death, if I could have killed every human in the Southern Kingdoms, I would have."

    "Why didn''t you kill Ania?" I asked.

    Thistle paused. "I saw the haunted look in her eyes. She, like I, had seen the horrors of having her home taken away. Would you believe that in that moment, I felt a kinship that was the closest thing I felt to love until that moment? For decades?"

    "No," I said, blinking. "Not really."

    Thistle blinked. "Your wisdom has increased, Aaron. No, I wanted to train her as a weapon against the Royal Family. When we killed Frederick, it was supposed to be the end of the human threat. Instead, it unleashed an immense wave of reprisals against our kind."

    "Yes, who could have imagined killing the only royal who actually wanted peace would lead to war," I muttered.

    Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

    Thistle stared at me. "Yes, in hindsight that may have been a poor choice of actions. But the Dark Moon had the guidance of the goddess."

    "Who is actually now corrupted into the Wind Demon and working for Veles, who wants to wipe out all life," I pointed out.

    "Are you finished gloating?" Thistle asked.

    "More twisting the knife," I said. "Possibly kicking you while you''re down."

    "Ah," Thistle said. "Interesting, I understand that is not normally your way."

    "My sympathy is expansive and deep like the ocean but tends to dry up when people start wars where the little people are swept away."

    Thistle nodded. "The Dark Moon elves always thought we would win against humanity if we were harder, nastier, and more ruthless. Instead, it seemed that mankind''s own ruthlessness was always able to equal them. There were also always a lot more of them than there were elves."

    I nodded. "As you say, elves are just humans with pointy ears and tree magic."

    Thistle frowned then let the point go. "In any case, the vengeance against us was not indiscriminate. The Mad Queen played the role of the conciliator. She bided her time and turned the people against us. In the end, she wielded financial power against my sister as First Ranger. Elves need things from humans just as humans need things from elves. Cutting them off, my sister was forced to give up our location to her."

    I didn''t bother pointing out the inconsistencies of her logic, like the fact she wanted to drive out all humans in one sentence then mention how the two races couldn''t survive without the other. Then again, maybe I was asking too much from a Fantasy Poland terrorist.

    "This part I know," I replied, feeling sympathy even though she''d brought so much of this down on herself. "Jorg the Bastard Knight led a team of Sorcerer Knights to destroy your base and capture everyone. He tortured you all, sparing only Ania, and then made her watch as he sawed your head off."

    Thistle lowered her gaze. "He wanted a confession that we killed his father. The most dishonorable and hated warrior in all of humanity''s forces was not what I expected. As much as he was driven by vengeance, he wanted to make sure we were the guilty parties. He refused to allow his men to burn the village we were hiding in and prevented the soldiers from taking any liberties from the prisoners."

    I stared at her, disgusted. "I''d say that would be the bare minimum to expect but the bare minimum would include not torturing prisoners."

    Thistle snorted. "You must come from a very kindly sort of place, Aaron of Michigan."

    "No," I said, remembering the stories Alek had told me. He had tried to do the same as Jorg with some of his companions. For the most part, the armies he''d traveled with had been professional and well-behaved but there had been a few local militias as well as mercenaries who had considered war crimes to be a perk of the job.

    "Either way, the Bastard Knight''s behavior was practically saintly by Ledzianian standards," Thistle said. "I went to my death with blood on my teeth, a curse on my tongue, and absolute faith I would be rewarded in the afterlife."

    "What happened?" I asked.

    "I wasn''t," Thistle said. "The Underworld is ruled by immutable laws dictated by Triglav at the dawn of time and obeyed by all lords of the afterlife. The good are rewarded, the bad are punished, and most of those in between simply live lives like the ones they had in life. Good is caring for others. Evil is harming them. Nuance is not something that goes very far there. Each night, I would experience the pain of my victims. I would live their final hours before being murdered by an image of myself. It was designed to teach me empathy."

    I stared. "Mothersucker."

    "Your reaction is strange," Thistle said, keeping her emotionless monotone.

    "Like I told Jon, I wasn''t very religious before I found out gods were real," I replied. "Part of that was the concept of hell. Good guys don''t torture people."

    "Even in the evildoer?" Thistle asked.

    "A man kills a murderer then the number of murderers doesn''t go down," I replied.

    "Then kill two," Thistle said. "Either way, parole is possible in the Underworld, even for one such as me. Still, the number of lives I claimed and horror I unleashed on the world meant I would have experienced damnation for thousands of years if not for the deal I made."

    "You sold yourself to Veles," I said.

    "Yes," Thistle said. "His is the only way to escape the Hells for the corrupt, wicked, and oath breakers. I emerged as one of the undead and was given to task of killing the Pontiff of Mythras."

    I stared at her. "You''re not really selling yourself here."

    "I hope honesty will work better than a transparent lie," Thistle said, cocking her head to one side. "In the end, I broke my oath. I chose not to kill her and if I ever return to Hell then Veles torments of me will be even worse."

    I blinked. "Why?"

    Thistle paused. "Because, perhaps, I did learn something of empathy. I can never love anyone. Never love even myself. However, I can sympathize."

    "Is there any way to break the spell?" I asked, thinking more of Ania than Thistle. I was fine if she didn''t want to have kids but the fact that she did make it a problem to solve. Which, yes, is probably arrogant of me but I like to think I''d developed a pretty good track record for doing so.

    Blame the debugger in me.

    "No," Thistle said. "Only a god could do so. It''s divine magic. Only a god could fix it."

    I waited for Perun to say something.

    Nope, nothing.

    Great.

    I took a deep breath. "Lady, it''s not my place to forgive you for what you did. It''s not my kingdom and not my civil war. Still, it sounds like you''re making amends as best you can. I believe Ania will want to--"

    "Forgive me?" Thistle asked. "Make love to me? Use me as a weapon?"

    "I don''t know," I said. "But she definitely feels something for you and I hope you''ll not make her life worse."

    Thistle nodded. "I would definitely have to kill you to get her back."

    "Please don''t," I said, "Also, that would just make her hate you forever."

    Thistle paused. "Yes, I suppose it would. You are her ke''tar. A person who provides balance to her darker qualities. Does she provide a balance to you?"

    "I''d be dead many times over if not for her," I said, proudly.

    "That''s not what I asked," Thistle said. "You have to let love change you. Without it, a person is stuck in place because they can''t be changed by it. Embrace the person you will be with Ania rather than just be happy you''re with the person you are changing her to be."

    I blinked. "I''ll bear that in mind."

    Thistle nodded. "We can discuss the politics of the realms later. I suspect you are someone inclined to side with my sister, though, over me."

    "Which side doesn''t result in the elves getting involved in more wars with humanity or siding with the Mad Queen, who is the mother of Veles'' baby?"

    Thistle smirked. "Practical considerations. Which is a good lead for my next point."

    "And that is?" I asked, unsure whether I should pity Thistle, try to help her, or figure out a way to get her far away from this group. She was the "Token Evil" teammate that so many adventuring parties had in their ranks. Which was impressive since we already had Ania, Ivan, and Bloodstorm.

    "I need your blood," Thistle said, "and more."

    "Uh, what?"

    Thistle frowned. "I am a vampire noble with the spirit of a demon of the Second Circle inside me. I have...needs. Ones I must satisfy with either murder or more congenial ways. I will not with a child and if I fed on Ivan, I would kill him given his relationship to Jorg. Therefore, I need a partner to provide."

    I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was looking. "Uh, you''re describing blood very different from just tapping a vein."

    "You have experienced being fed on. It is a little death."

    "Yeah, I know what the French call it," I replied, remembering my encounter with Angelica in the Black Cat. "I''m not the guy you should go to for this. I think Bloodstorm--"

    "Ania and Bloodstorm have both refused," Thistle said. "I believe Ania would be willing if not for her fear you would judge her."

    "That doesn''t give me a reason to do this," I said. "I know that I--"

    That was when Thistle transformed. Her skin turned red, and a pair of curved horns stuck out of the top of her head. A pair of bat wings stretched out from behind her. Also, let''s just get it out there, certain parts of her anatomy were distinctly larger. Elves were naturally lithe and now Thistle was, uh, well, how Chaos Comics would draw its protagonists in the Nineties. She was the classical image of a succubus and washing over me with the kind of magic that I¡¯d experienced from Mrs. Grub. It seemed less like it was designed to dominate than titillate, though. Consensual mind control. Assuming I bothered to resist at all.

    YOU HAVE RESISTED BEING ENTHRALLED.

    Okay, now I was pissed. "Listen, lady, my saving throws are much better now. I have divine energy backing up my average WIS!"

    Thistle proceeded to kiss me on the lips, biting my lower lip and triggering a jolt of pleasure throughout my body.

    YOU HAVE RESISTED BEING ENTHRALLED.

    "I really have to get going," I said, but not moving. I needed to confront what I really wanted and it wasn''t this.

    Thistle moved her head lower.

    YOU HAVE BEEN ENTHRALLED.

    Okay, I''m going to admit this one was my fault.

 Book Two - Chapter Twenty-Nine - The Mo(u)rning after

    I woke up to Ania looking down on me as I suffered from an enormous hangover. The sun blazed behind her. "I am getting very mixed signals from you regarding whether we''re allowed to sleep with other people."

    YOU RECEIVE 4 HP IN DAMAGE; YOU NOW HAVE THE STATUS EFFECT (ANEMIA)

    YOU ARE NO LONGER ENTHRALLED

    + YOU HAVE RECEIVED 1 PWIFFLE CARD (THISTLE)

    Ah dangit.

    I moved my arm in front of my eyes. "Perun told me it wouldn''t last an hour. I think it was closer to two."

    We hadn¡¯t sex, which was a good thing given I wasn¡¯t sure either of us could meaningfully give consent as a succubus with someone they needed the blood of. Thistle had only bitten my thigh and we¡¯d both started to get undressed when she¡¯d bitten me again and I¡¯d passed out. Honestly, I was half-surprised to find myself still alive since letting yourself be vampire chow was not the healthiest practice to engage in. It also felt like cheating as I hadn¡¯t explicitly told Thistle no either.

    "What?" Ania asked.

    I leaned up, feeling guilty. "Listen, Ania, I know--"

    Ania put her hand on my shoulder. "Aaron, I''m only going to say this once. I don''t care. I have never cared. I will only care if you swear never to be with anyone else and then you break that promise. Then I will kill you."

    I blinked. "Okay."

    Ania nodded. "I also get a favor. Either I get to kill someone you will stupidly try to spare or sleep with Arthur next time I see him. Arthur or Lancelot but she might be into sharing."

    I blinked. "She?"

    Ania pulled out her knife. "Don''t worry, I''ll probably be choosing the first. For example, stabbing Thistle right now for biting you without my permission."

    I wasn''t sure how to respond to her before turning to look at the ground beside me where Thistle was lying.

    She''d undergone some changes.

    Thistle was lying on the ground with her skin restored to its previous pale hue, but she hadn''t lost her wings or horns, though. Instead, her wings were now a beautiful set of black feathers, and her horns were curled golden ones. She didn''t remotely look like a succubus anymore, except for the fact she was an extraordinarily hot woman, but now resembled an angel.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Heaven has gained an angel

    - (A) 25 - Complete Thistle''s Loyalty Quest

    What in the world?

    I blinked. "Wait!"

    "Are you sure?" Ania asked, her knife in hand. "Because if you''re about to become a vamp''s blood whore, then I may have to kidnap you and drag you to the Sisters of Mokosh for treatment. That will require locking you up for a few years. I''ll wait for you but don''t expect me to be faithful. There''s dungeon rules for this."

    I stared at her. "When did you get a sense of humor?"

    Ania looked hurt. "I''ve always had a sense of humor. I was always the funniest of the Dark Moon."

    "Okay," I said, gesturing. "I think she''s an angel now. Also, we didn¡¯t go around the bases but only, actually, I¡¯m not sure what baseball metaphor applies for hemoeroticisim.¡±

    "What?" Ania asked. "How? Also, baseball?¡±

    YOU HAVE GAINED SPIRIT SUMMON (THISTLE)

    This was getting more confusing every minute. "I don''t know?"

    "She''s a shapeshifter, Aaron," Ania said, shaking her head. "It takes more than a pair of wings to make one into one of the Skyfather''s servants."

    That was when Thistle woke up, stared, and immediately hugged Ania.

    Ania looked horrified.

    "Oh, Ania! I have missed you!" Thistle said. "Strange that I feel like a dam has burst within me! I have treated you so poorly and yet you have brought such joy to my life."

    "Get off me." Ania still had her knife in the air like Michael Myers but didn''t stab the very naked Thistle.

    "Uh, how are you feeling?" I said, looking away.

    I really felt bad about this.

    Just not too bad.

    "Aragorn, what have you done to me!" Thistle said, stretching out her hands before kissing me on the lips.

    She pressed herself against me.

    Ania glared. "Okay, Aaron, you''re good but not that good."

    "I pledge my eternal loyalty to you, God of Push!" Thistle said, hugging me tighter. Which made me realize I needed to put some clothes on.

    Jon flew in and settled down on a nearby perch. He was now a jet-black sparrow. Apparently, he was experimenting with his shape-changing. "Okay, what did I miss?"

    Ania looked at him. "Aaron had sex with Thistle and turned her into his brainwashed slave. Also, an angel."

    Jon looked between the three of us. "How the hell do I keep missing all the good stuff? Also, Aaron, that is very bad of you! I mean, I''d give you a windmill high five if I had hands, but sex slavery is bad! Unless they''re into it, then it''s a kink."

    Bloodstorm, Ivan, and Agata walked over to the grove to see us. Joan walked behind them, took one look at us, covered her eyes, and walked away.

    "The curse is broken!" Thistle said, looking at Ania. "I feel things I could not imagine possible! I need to find my children and tell them I love them! Find my sister and rescue her from this evil alliance! Apologize to my victims!"

    Ivan looked unimpressed. "Great, now she''s ruined. I liked her when she was a cold-blooded killer who hated everyone."

    "We still have Ania for that," Jon pointed out. "Though I suppose Aaron is ruining her too. Do you think it was the magic spooge that overrode her?"

    Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.

    "I do not have magic spooge!" I snapped, only humiliating myself further. ¡°Also, there was no spooge.¡±

    ¡°Wow, that¡¯s disappointing,¡± Jon said. ¡°You having a problem down there?¡±

    Ania and I both stared daggers at him.

    ¡°Too far, got it,¡± Jon said.

    "As a vampire, drinking his fluids could theoretically have resulted in the rebooting of her immune system and his holy essence would remake her from a demon into an angel," Bloodstorm paused. "As for breaking the divine curse of Nightbringer, I suppose Aaron even as a smaller god''s power would overwhelm her power inside her. This is all theoretical, though.¡±

    Agata looked at Ania. "Well, I suppose she''ll definitely be showing effects then. How much would you say you''ve drank of his fluids?"

    ¡°Ania hasn¡¯t drank of my blood,¡± I replied.

    Ania coughed. ¡°Not that fluid.¡±

    ¡°Oh right,¡± I muttered, looking over my shoulder and scratching the back of my neck.

    "Tough to say," Jon said. "They haven''t known each other that long."

    "It is her preferred method, though," Agata said. "Trust me, I can tell at a glance."

    Ania stared. "You''re rapidly moving past Jon in terms of party members I have to kill. Ivan and Thistle are still at the top but just barely."

    "Me, what did I do?" Ivan asked.

    Ania stared.

    "Oh, right, family blood feud and all that," Ivan said, waving his hand. "Carry on."

    "Does this mean Aaron can save all of the Dark Moon assassins by sleeping with them? I mean if they¡¯re vampires or swallowers," Jon asked. "Because that would help the war effort against the Wind Demon. I mean they''re all hot elvish ladies if the fan art is accurate and it would cleanse them of Nightbringer''s power."

    "Jon, please stop," I said. "This is...embarrassing as is."

    Ania looked furious but I wasn¡¯t sure about which part, assuming it wasn¡¯t everything.

    "Actually, that might work," Agata said, looking thoughtful. "We''ll put that as a plan B. Also, I need to consult the Great Mother about whether Ania is capable of giving birth now. She¡¯ll need some herbs. Pregnancy by her ke¡¯tar would be fine after the quest to kill Veles but not during. Mine are strictly limited.¡±

    ¡°I still possess my pact with the Dark Moon goddess,¡± Ania said, referring to Nightbringer. ¡°Believe me, I¡¯d know if it was broken.¡±

    ¡°We can assemble samples and test them on volunteers,¡± Ivan said. ¡°Probably cup based. I wouldn¡¯t want to let a Dark Moon assassin down there. You¡¯re not likely to have everything back in the end.¡±

    ¡°Regeneration spells exist but you raise a valid point,¡± Agata said.

    All the men in the area shuffled their legs uncomfortably.

    "Oh God," I said, staring at the ground. "That''s what this is. This entire time I''ve been trapped in a fantasy version of Austin Powers.¡±

    ¡°The second movie disappointed me with its lack of Elizabeth Hurley," Bloodstorm said. "I''m not saying Heather Graham wasn''t hot but, you know, Elizabeth Hurley."

    "So this is Hell," I muttered, trying and failing to gently push Thistle away.

    "Yes, clearly you have suffered such horrible torments being forced to sleep with my ex," Ania said, growling before pausing. "Weird, I''m feeling a strange sense of possessiveness and desire to hurt Thistle. Aaron too to an extent. What is this sensation?"

    "You mean jealousy?" I asked.

    "Oh is that what that is?" Ania asked, pausing. "I don''t like it."

    ¡°Ah,¡± I said, nodding.

    ¡°Except it¡¯s not jealousy,¡± Ania corrected. ¡°It¡¯s worry she tried to kill you.¡±

    ¡°Wait, what?¡± I asked. ¡°But she needed the blood and¡­¡±

    Thistle pulled away and proceeded to conjure a red flame-colored bikini top and loincloth that looked distinctly like Zorya Dawnbringer. It became a little more noticeable with the fact she was wielding both of Zorya''s blades as well as her crown.

    "What the hell is that?" I asked.

    Thistle looked down, guilty, as she spread out her wings. "Sorry, Ser Aaron, but I admit I went through your things while you were asleep. I planned to take what I could and go to kill my sister. Now that feels like a bad thing."

    I stared at her and not for the reasons I''d been staring at her earlier. "You were going to rob me?"

    "Those are nice swords," Ania said, annoyed. "You should have given them to me."

    "I didn''t think that giving you the swords of the lover I just murdered was appropriate, especially after the last swords of a dead god resulted in my being severely affected," I said, not sure how to feel to Thistle''s sudden personality shift.

    "Fuck that," Ania said. "Those swords are awesome. I need the bonuses."

    "Aaron, your argument would be better if you were wearing pants," Jon said. "Admittedly, we have a lot of things to distract me right now. Like, for instance, the fact that we''ve had a serious conversation about your magic gunk."

    I went to put on a pair of undergarments. "You know, you''d think becoming a god would result in more respect."

    "Given our quest is explicitly about assassinating the gods, I think you''d be wrong," Ania said. "Also, take a bath before we make love again. You¡¯ve got corpse on you.¡±

    "I am sorry for the fact I tried to turn you into a weapon against your own race," Thistle said. "I am not sorry for teaching you the ways of murder. You have always been one of the greatest of us all and my finest student."

    Ania looked at me. "Aaron, can you store her in your rune? Just like summon her for combat or..."

    "Parties?" Jon asked.

    "Seriously, Jon?" Ania asked.

    "Oh, like you weren''t thinking it," Jon said. "Obviously, we need some consent boundaries. Neither of you is allowed to use mind control without written permission beforehand. Get one of those Fifty Shades of Grey contracts. I''m sure Ania knows the basics."

    Ania felt her head. "This is a lot to take in. Thistle is someone I have a lot of complicated feelings towards. However, this isn''t...her. Also, I was pretty sure she was going to betray us, but this isn''t the solution. Wait, was she using mind control on Aaron?"

    "That''s punishable by death among the Sisterhood," Agata said.

    I wasn''t sure how to respond and was of the mind that mentioning she''d enthralled me was probably not going to contribute to the situation being resolved peacefully. "I''m not sure that is relevant right now..."

    "Not relevant?" Ania asked, appalled.

    "Oh, I did betray you as well as attempted to dominate your lover," Thistle said, pausing. "I signaled the sisterhood in hopes of kidnapping Pontiff Joan and carrying you, Ania, off to brainwash into our goddess'' service again. I also planned to kill Aaron during sex as it seemed the easiest way to stop his already well-known capacity to think through desperate situations. You should probably get prepared for battle. Sorry!"

    "Wait, what?" I asked.

    Ania stared and drew Lightbringer before aiming it at her.

    Agata conjured her staff and Bloodstorm held out his hand, summoning his maul to it like the Mighty Thor calling mjolnir.

    That was when Joan ran back, and I saw an arrow had been embedded in her back. It was jet black and made of a kind of oily black substance that seemed to be burning in the sunlight above the camp. It took me a second to realize it was living shadow.

    "Mothersucker," I said, running to her side and casting a CURE (II) spell.

    Joan looked up, looking barely conscious despite my efforts. "We''re under attack."

    Almost immediately, I saw explosions of blackness spread throughout our camp, each one producing one of the cloaked elvish assassins of the Dark Moon sisterhood. The fan art hadn''t been accurate, at least in the context that they were all blue-skinned bikini-wearing beauties with big bosoms, but were all athletic well-armed killers covered in tattoos as well as ritual scarification. Which, if female Darth Maul and La Muerta was your personal kink, then more power to you but wasn''t a traditional standard of beauty.

    The Dark Moon elves were all an elite band of killers and more akin to Sith Lords with their superhuman speed, shadow powers, and ability to teleport. The fact they were attacking us in broad daylight when their powers were weakest was a slight benefit but not one that made our chances great, especially since there seemed to be a dozen of these hardened warriors.

    Their first attack was also a devastating one as two of them blasted Bloodstorm with a shadowy set of tendrils that wrapped around him like an octopus, smothering his otherwise grandiose strength before forcing him to the ground. Three of them fired their shadow bows directly at Ania, only for Thistle to throw herself in front of them, taking the bolts to her chest as another two were fired into her.

    Oh, it''s on like Donkey Kong, Perun said in my mind, his inexplicable Southern drawl even thicker than before. Time to break out the big gun, son!

    What? I asked.

    Perun exerted himself on me and I found myself lifting my hand in the air before shouting the god''s name involuntarily. "Perun!"

    In my hands appeared a sword that was like no human blade and resembled something straight out of Halo with its futuristic design for one of the world''s oldest weapons. The strange sword crackled with lightning bolts as I felt myself charging up with divine energy that made every hair on my body stand up except for my golden hair.

    A group of six Dark Moon elves pulled their katana and wakizashi out before charging at me to slash me to pieces, their movements like short teleports in a zig zag pattern that made striking them impossible.

    I swung the blade in the air instead, feeling the full power of the divine release as I struck nothing but concentrated on them. "PUSH!"

    Thunder cracked.

    A lightning bolt struck a nearby tree.

    The resulting blast of wind channeled through my sword sent all six Dark Moon elves flying a hundred feet in the air. The remaining Dark Moon elves all concentrated their bows and shadow magic on me.

    Booya! Perun shouted. Divine mishaps my ass!

    That was when the ground collapsed underneath me.

 Book Two - Chapter Thirty - The Ruins of La Tene

    I found myself with an enormous headache, lying on my back, again. This time, however, I was sitting at the foot of a lake where a thirty-foot tall Perun wearing only a loincloth as well as a winged helmet was standing there. If you didn''t mind a deep cut, he looked a lot like Thor from Kung Fury. If you were like most people and hadn''t seen that, he looked like a giant mostly naked barbarian with a hammer.

    "Thor stole my look for that!" Perun said, his voice bellowing.

    "Am I dead?" I asked. "Again?"

    "Not quite!" Perun said, the echoing continued. "Just knocked out. I mean, if the Dark Moon ladies kill all our friends, they''ll kill you no problem but dead, dead? Not yet!"

    I blinked and got up. "That''s not reassuring!"

    "It is what it is, dude!" Perun said. "I thought I''d show you Belobog''s Lake. It''s the place where all the Rusalka live and where the Water Demon is. Like, we should nuke the place and take him out."

    "That''s not very heroic," I said, climbing up to my feet. Weirdly, I was back in my armor rather than just my underwear. Well, it wasn¡¯t that weird because I was in a dream.

    "Better to die than live as slaves!" Perun said, flexing an arm.

    "I think most slaves would rather be free than either," I replied.

    "Wow, you really are a nice guy!"

    I stared at him in a mixture of confusion and horror. "No, everyone here is just an enormous asshole!"

    Perun let forth an enormous belly laugh. "Ho, ho, ho! That''s hilarious."

    "It wasn''t a joke," I muttered. "Listen, Perun, I can''t have you continuing to narrate and talk with me about every little detail. It''s distracting and I also need to wake up and help my friends."

    "I understand," Perun replied, still sounding like he was in a cave with how much his voice echoed. "Once you take one of the last two remaining mark''s, Francine''s or Alek''s, then you''ll be able to make the full-transition to godhood."

    "I don''t want to be a god," I said, sighing.

    "Everyone wants to be a god!" Perun said. "It''s like being rich!"

    I shook my head. "Also, Veles apparently gets to break the rules and attack me if I become a full god according to Weis."

    Perun rolled his eyes. "Yes, because my brother has been sticking to the rules as agreed to so well. Listen, Veles fudges his die rolls. If you become a full god, you can finally entreat Svarog to join his power into this fight. Svarog can compel Mat Zemalya, Mythras, the Aesir, and the other still-awakened gods of Earth to all dogpile Veles. It¡¯s a messy solution since he''s among the most powerful, if not the most powerful, gods still awake. Countries may be wrecked. Stars may blow out across the galaxy. However, with the Olds Gods defeated, you can bind him away forever."

    That was notably one of the ''wins'' described by Joan. "That leads to my daughter going all conquest heavy."

    "Yeah, but that''s another epic saga by itself," Perun said. "Always leave room for the sequel, Aaron."

    "Goodbye, Perun," I said. "I need to figure out what to do about this Ania-Thistle thing."

    "I take it you''re not down for a threesome?" Perun said.

    "She was planning to mind control me, screw me, and kill me!" I shouted.

    "I know! I love it when they do that!" Perun stuck a thumbs up then hummed the James Bond theme. "Da, da, da, da, da, da, da dum!"

    "That''s not funny."

    "It''s kind of funny," Perun said, his voice returning to normal as he shrank down to human size and trotted on the water''s surface before walking up to me. "In any case, you don''t have to keep Thistle as a concubine."

    "I''m not keeping her as a concubine," I said. "I want to be Ania and Ania alone. I swear to--"

    "Halt," Perun said, suddenly serious. "Aaron, I know you love her but reckless oaths are like what kills ninety percent of heroes around here. Well, okay, more like 1% and the other 99% are killed by violence but a lot of heroes get killed by those. Back when the Poles and Ledzis were Celts, I was C¨² Chulainn. Lots of cattle theft and hot redheaded ladies. But I swore never to turn down hospitality and never eat a dog."

    "You had to swear an oath to never eat a dog?" I asked.

    "Yes," Perun said. "Dogs are awesome."

    "Not really my point but--"

    "Anyway," Perun said. "Women loved trying to destroy me back then. One sent my son to kill me after we broke up our affair. Another one served me dog. Which, of course, is what killed me. I''m not saying that you''ll need to have sex with someone other than Ania to save the world, but it''s worked pretty well for you so far."

    "I''m going to swear fidelity to her," I said. "I''m going to ask her to marry me and monogamy is going to be explicitly implied. Maybe not the best time to do so after I just had a succubus go down on me--"

    "Might want to wait a few days on that end."

    I nodded. "But I know what I want."

    "Maybe she''ll need to sleep with someone!" Perun said. "Come on, you might need her to seduce Arthur or Mythras again. You might need her to seduce Nightbringer and then you can watch or--"

    If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    "Stop," I said, raising a hand. "I know what I''m promising."

    Perun sighed and lifted his hammer. "Okay, fine, you can have sex with Ania ten thousand times versus ten thousand other ladies. I''m sure that''s fine. But you could have sex with her ten thousand times and--"

    "Seriously, what is with the gods and the horny?" I asked, crossing my arms.

    "You find something that is consistently entertaining after the first million years, let alone the first billion."

    The gods being so goddamned weird explained so much about reality. "Respect my choice, dude."

    Perun sighed. "Alright. If any of you two can make this true love thing work, well, it''d be virtually any other couple in existence, but I''ll give my blessing."

    "Which I don''t need," I said.

    Perun put his hammer up. "Put your hand on my hammer."

    I stared at him.

    "It''s not a euphemism," Perun said. "I mean, it could be. A lot of ancient magick is about dicks. Look at the obelisk. It represents Pharoah''s penis, even when it''s Cleopatra''s. In fact, Isis looks like Rosario Dawson in Sin City and you should--"

    I put my hand on the hammer. "Okay, I swear--"

    That was when I was woken up my being stabbed in the shoulder.

    One of the Dark Moon elf assassins was straddling me and had jabbed me in the shoulder with her knife, trying to hit an artery. It probably would have if I hadn''t been enhanced by the Mark of the Champion.

    YOU HAVE TAKEN 14 HP OF DAMAGE, YOU HAVE RESISTED SHADOW POISON [DEATH]

    The woman had half of her face covered in white makeup and the other half with a crescent moon in purple paint. We were at the bottom of an underground tunnel of some kind, half submerged in water with moss covered elvish statues surrounding us. There was a giant hole in the ceiling where I''d collapsed through, and sunlight was streaming in from. Strangely, I was once more in my armor, but it was the least of my concerns now.

    Two more Dark Moon elf assassins dropped down, one of them holding Agata''s light whip (not a good sign) and the other carrying a glowing spear. There was sounds of pitched battle going on above and I had to wonder what the hell had changed since I''d collapsed.

    "You will die, Scion of Perun," the elf on top of me shouted. "We will kill you, the traitor Ania, and induct the Prophetess of Mythras into our sect. She will offer blood sacrifices of babies to her god and commit massacres beyond count to the point all nations turn away in disgust from the Sun god. They will turn to the Dark Moon and--"

    She was cut off by my head-butting her in the nose and knocking her in the water as her sisters sloshed their way to me.

    "PERUN''S LIGHTNING STRIKE!" I shouted, using another divine ability despite doubling the chance of a divine mishap.

    The electricity flowed from my fingertips into the water and created columns of lightning that went up each of the Dark Moon elf assassins. They thrashed and twisted before falling back into the water, fried worse than if they''d been in an electric chair.

    "Ouch," I said, moving up and staring at the knife in my shoulder. I cast a CURE spell on myself, and the knife forced itself out.

    That was when I saw an owlbear, a creature trademarked by Wizards of the Coast, leap through the hole in the ceiling and land with a splash in front of me. It had its beak holding a Dark Moon elf and was giving it a death shake before tossing it to one side.

    "Hi, Aaron!" Jon said, his voice coming from the creature in front of me.

    I blinked. "Jon?"

    "It turns out this qualifies as a bird!" Jon said, ecstatic. "Way better than some stupid swallow. I also got to fire lightning at them!"

    "Yeah, that seems to work just fine," I said, standing up. "How are the others?"

    "Agata''s dead," Jon said.

    "Oh my god!" I said, horrified.

    "But you''ve got the REVIVE spell, right?" Jon asked.

    I nodded.

    "Hey, bring her down!" Jon said. "I think we''ve got a few minutes before that stops working!"

    Bloodstorm, cradling Agata''s body, jumped down the hole into the chamber and laid Agata''s still body at my feet. She''d been stabbed repeatedly in the chest and lungs, presumably after having been disabled.

    I kneeled and put my hand over her chest, saying, "REVIVE!"

    Agata spewed blood from his mouth in my face. "Oh Goddess. That was awful. The lines in the afterlife! Ugh. Did I soil myself? Yes, I did. Dear goddess, let me go cast some cleaning cantrips and change clothes."

    "Too much info," Agata," Jon said. "Too much info."

    I cast a cleaning cantrip for us both as well as REFRESH. "What about the others?"

    Ania lowered down a rope and climbed down to my position with Pope Joan over one shoulder. Ivan followed suit. Thistle used her wings to float down and landed with a superheroic pose that they''d made fun of in the Black Widow movie.

    "We are triumphant!" Thistle said, showing no sign of her earlier injuries. "The Dark Moon elves brought forth a host of goblins and ogres to do their dirty work but I smote them in the name of my new god: ARAGORN THE STEEL ROSE, GOD OF PUSH!"

    "Are we killing her?" Bloodstorm said. "Because I think it''s fine to kill a woman who mind controls you into sex. Even if they are hot. There''s a serious double standard when it comes to men getting mind-controlled versus women and I thought we were on the right of it when we killed Mrs. Grub. My family loves doing the brainwashing thing, and I hate it."

    I didn''t respond immediately as I wasn''t sure, no, I absolutely was sure I didn''t want to deal with this right now. Thistle''s free will had been compromised by her deal with the Nightbringer and then transformation into a succubus, so I wasn''t sure I could blame her for anything that had happened. Except, she''d been a pretty awful person beforehand as well. I also wasn''t sure about my own culpability in the matter since I hadn''t had a chance to say no before I''d been enthralled. Plus, was the current Thistle capable of being judged for her past actions or was she brainwashed to my service now? Did any of it matter?

    "Let''s put a pin in this," I said, pausing.

    And never speak of it again if we were lucky.

    I doubted I was that lucky.

    SIDEQUEST(S) COMPLETED:

    COMPLETE THISTLE''S LOYALTY QUEST 1/1

    REWARDS

    +50,000 EXP (Brainwash Thistle into becoming your minion)

    +120,000 EXP (Dark Moon Elf Assassins)

    +20,000 EXP (Goblin Raiders)

    +5000 EXP (Ogres)

    +10 Dark Moon Assassin Katana and Wakizashi +3

    + 2 Dark Moon Assassin Staves

    +12 Dark Moon Assassin Armor Sets +3

    +8 Black Rubies (8,000 GP)

    +12,000 GP

    Level 10 to 11

    350,000/375,000

    I was close to 11th level, which was a good thing if I wanted to be able to stand against the Bastard Knight and Prince Cezary. The number of magical weapons and armor would be hard to carry.

    You could invoke Celestial Merchant privileges, Perun said.

    What? I asked.

    Cash in magical items for coin, Perun said.

    I don''t think I can do that, I replied.

    Dude, I''m the guy behind the bracelets, Perun answered a longstanding question I''d had. I can do miracles as long as you are doing heroics that inspire the people. I transfer all that faith based energy into leveling you up and the physical changes to places like Crossroad as well as Dragon Keep.

    Huh, so that''s how that works, I said, watching the Dark Moon items become massive amounts of coin I could use to fix up Crossroad. Wait, that means you were helping the others?

    Yep, Perun said. Francine and Alek both. Alek may be a lost cause but I''m willing to give him a chance as he''s gotten closer to Veles than any of the others and is working on a plan to assassinate him on Bald Mountain with a suitcase nuke. Which wouldn''t work on Veles but might on Belobog. Why I suggested it. Perfect for empowering the remaining two bracelets left. Not counting Weis'' own.

    I don''t have a suitcase nuke, does Alek? I mean... I paused. Wait, there''s only their bracelets left or the other bracelets need to be recovered from the other champions'' bodies?

    They recovered the others and absorbed their power, Perun said. Whichever one of you defeats the others becomes the new Skyfather or mother.

    Great.

 Book Two - Chapter Thirty-One - She needs Elvish Medicine

    The cashing out of the magical items I''d accumulated ended up making more gold than I thought possible. I kept the staff of dragon kings but cashed out the crown of domination. Even without their charges, they had a huge amount of power and could probably be recharged but the crown disgusted me on moral grounds. I got rid of my old armor and even the +1 dagger I''d been holding onto all this time too. Even though I hadn''t received any gold for killing Dawnbringer, not that I wanted any, it was enough to achieve most of the updates I needed for making Crossroad a functioning community.

    Strangely, the sewer system had already been created and I had to wonder if that had been Alek or Francine''s contribution. The ratkin had attributed that to me. I wondered if all the new buildings and soldiers would appear magically or if the new arrivals would show up more naturally. I suspected it would be the former followed by everyone''s memories being altered to accommodate their new surroundings.

    MAIN QUEST UPDATE: UPGRADE CROSSROAD VILLAGE (10/15):

    * Hire Militia (cost 10,000 GP)

    * Upgrade Militia I (cost 20,000 GP)

    * Upgrade Militia II (cost 30,000 GP)

    * Upgrade Militia III (cost 50,000 GP)

    * Upgrade Town Walls (20,000 GP)

    * Restore Fort (cost 50,000 GP)

    * Upgrade Blacksmith (5000 GP)

    * Upgrade Armory (5000 GP)

    * Upgrade Fletchers (5000 GP)

    * Upgrade Livery (5000 GP)

    * Construct Clocktower (5000 GP)

    * Construct Alchemical Refinery (10,000 GP)

    * Construct Aqueduct (10,000 GP)

    * Construct Sewer System (20,000 GP)

    * Construct Academy of Magic (50,000)

    "Well, that''s good progress," I said aloud, wondering if I finished this collection of items whether or not that they''d provide another collection of upgrades for Crossroad. At the rate we were going, we might end up turning the city into a metropolis. Right now, I''d just settle for making it so it wasn''t torn to pieces by Veles'' next attack.

    "Aaron, we need you by Joan," Ania said, distracting me from

    I shook my head and went to the side of the fallen pope who was seemingly sleeping peacefully. "Is she not waking up?"

    Ania shook her head. "Dreamshadow poison is a powerful spell. It needs magic to overcome or it will last until a subject starves to death."

    "Do we have that kind of magic?" I asked, looking at Agata.

    Agata had finished cleaning herself off and had somehow changed into another evening gown-looking set of robes. She still looked uncomfortable, and I handed her my Undermaster''s cloak.

    "No, I''m afraid I never bothered to master how to neutralize poison," Agata said. "I felt it was better to learn how to send long distance messages via summoned animals. Clear communication wins wars."

    "Dammit," I muttered. "Can we fast travel back to the Great Tree and talk with the Sisters of Mokosh?"

    "I received a message from the Great Mother before we departed from Crossroad," Agata said. "She has taken an entourage to the summit happening at La Tene."

    "A summit?" I asked.

    Agata frowned. "It''s starting to seem like the story is getting away from the relatively straightforward monster hunting plot of the Wise Man. The various factions are being gathered there to not only discuss recognizing Rhoeas as Queen of the Elves but also negotiating a treaty between Dragon Queen and Mad Queen."

    I stared. "Is that...possible?"

    "I would have said no a few weeks ago but miracles have happened," Agata said.

    "And you didn''t think to mention it?" Ania interrupted, staring at her sister.

    "We''ve just started our journey," Agata said. "I was going to compose a response before sending it via pigeon. I can summon those."

    "And you thought that was better than a neutralize poison spell," Jon said.

    "Quiet...bear...owl thing," Agata said, scrunching her face in disgust.

    "Owlsine!" Jon said.

    "So, unless we know another sorceress that can heal the poison our strongest healing sorcerer knows, we need to keep on to La Tene," Ivan said, shaking his head. "I don''t suppose you have a cure, Thistle?"

    Thistle shook her head. "No, my magic now comes from Aaron! So, I am restricted to only the lowest levels of spells."

    This was way too meta. "Well, we can get there in time, I think. We may have to push the horses, though. No pun intended from the push gods."

    "The horses are dead," Bloodstorm said. "That was the first thing the Dark Moon elves did to make sure we couldn''t flee."

    "Those bastards!" I snarled, genuinely horrified. I balled my fists and would have resurrected them to kill them again if I''d had a free REVIVE spell.

    Everyone looked at me strangely.

    "What?" I asked.

    "Just that''s the first time I''ve seen you mad," Ania said. "No, wait, second. You were furious about Veles taking your nephew hostage as well."

    Jon explained for me. "Aaron is pretty stoic about human deaths but animal cruelty really pisses him off. In that way, I suppose he''s like Hitler."

    Now everyone, who had inexplicably heard of Hitler, stared at Jon.

    "I mean, it''s the only way he''s like Hitler," Jon said, guiltily. "For example, I''m pretty sure he has both testicles."

    "Jon, shut the fuck up," I said.

    "Righto," Jon said. "I''ll accept that''s warranted this time."

    "Dammit," I muttered. "So, if we returned to Crossroad to get ourselves some demon steeds--"

    The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

    "With respect, Lord God of Push, I may have a solution," Thistle said, still looking like she belonged on the cover of a heavy metal album.

    "I want those swords," Ania said, eyeing Dawnbringer''s blades.

    "Haven''t we learned about taking the weapons of deities?" Bloodstorm said.

    "No," Ania said.

    Thistle reluctantly handed them over and gave the crown over to Agata. "What I''m saying is this tunnel is a portal terminal."

    "It''s also inhabited by something," Ivan said, pointing down the tunnel.

    There was a nasty toad-like moaning from the far end of the tunnel behind me.Ania came up my side.

    I turned around and stared down at the dark and foreboding tunnel I''d fallen into. Lifting up my hand, I shouted, "PERUN!"

    The sword appeared in my hands and illuminated the tunnel. Something large and humanoid with scales as well as horrible tumors was lurking at the other end. It paid us no attention and proceeded to continue slinking down the strange alien construction around us. It didn''t look like elven architecture, not that I''d seen much outside of fan art, but something much more advanced. This was like one of those animes where you met with the Precursor race and found out they were aliens or humans from the far future of the audience''s time period rather than Atlanteans or whatever. There was also lead piping, which was a little weird.

    "What is that¡­thing?" I asked.

    "Troll," Ania said. "Well, what''s left of the troll race. The Twisted Ones captured the entirety of the species and horribly experimented on them. The survivors are all mindless these days and lurk around places of strong magic. They shouldn''t bother us unless we bother them. If they do, I''m pretty sure we can take them. This thing is a one-shot, one-kill device."

    Ania lifted my sister''s pistol in her hands.

    "Where the hell did you get that?" I asked, blinking.

    "A gift," Ania said. "I plan to put a round in Thistle''s head if you give me the go. I''m being nice and not calling in that favor you owe me.''

    "That''s not very nice," Thistle said.

    "Be quiet or I''m sending you to Aaron''s rune hand," Ania snapped. "Also, change your clothes."

    "You used to like me dressed like this," Thistle said.

    "I used to like a lot of stupid things!" Ania said.

    Thistle shrugged and transformed from her angelic form back to her punk elf attire, which I honestly preferred. "Is this better?"

    "Yes!" Ania said, turning back to me. "You''re not sleeping with her again."

    "I don''t want to," I said, telling sixty percent the truth. I mean ninety. "I want to sleep with you and you alone. I want to make you happy and spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry--"

    That was when I noticed the rest of the group had all creeped and were looking in on us. Bloodstorm had strapped Joan on the back of Jon the Owlsine like she was a burlap sack being carried by a donkey. I didn''t even know where he''d gotten the rope to do it but it seemed disrespectful to do that to the Sun God''s Chosen.

    "Can you give us a minute?" I asked, turning to the group.

    "I hope you have a ring or amulet of true love prepared," Agata said. "You should be doing this anywhere but the sewers of a dirty old sunken elven city."

    "I find that description offensive," Thistle said. "These dates back to the era of the Vampire Lords of the elves."

    Ania took a deep breath. "Aaron, I don''t believe in marriage because I don''t think the gods or government should have any say on who I am with. I certainly don''t want you proposing after this whole thing with Thistle. Either guilt, shame, or confusion motivating you. However, I feel the same way so we''ll figure something out but we can''t do any official ceremony until after Veles is dead. Even with my sister present to officiate."

    "Why?" I asked.

    "Is it because you slept with her god?" Bloodstorm asked. "Because you''re moving through them quickly. You could get Joan to do it when she wakes up, though. The marriage I mean, not the sleeping with her god. Unless you and Mythras are both into it. If so, g''head. Perfect end to bachelorhood."

    "Is that wise?" Jon asked, sounding like he was going through the motions of his joking around. There was real concern for me in his owly eyes. "I''m not sure that I''d trust a marriage ceremony performed by someone not old enough to drink. Again, referring to marriage. We know Aaron isn''t wise about god relations."

    "How is she not old enough to drink?" Ivan asked, confused. "She''s fourteen."

    Jon moved his owl''s head over to look at Ivan. "Oh, right, Slavs."

    "Technically, the legal drinking age in Poland is eighteen but I suspect that''s observed with as much fidelity as in America," I replied, once more showing my grandmastery of useless trivia. "But I don''t care where we get married as long as we do. I don''t know why we have to wait either."

    "Gee, thanks," Ania said. "But the reason we''d have to wait is because we''re both sworn to be Dark Undermasters. We can''t disregard our oaths to marry or have a family. Only if we defeat the Dark Lord can we resign from the order as it is impossible to do so during a state of war."

    "That''s unusually legalistic, Ania," I said.

    "I don''t break oaths. Especially ones that matter. Which is all of them," Ania said, her tone firm as she holstered her pistol. I hadn''t even noticed the holster earlier. Probably because my attention had been on her rear.

    "Garland broke his to marry me," Agata said. "I broke mine."

    Ania stared. "Look what happened to Garland. His own men murdered him out of jealousy and anger. He was a legendary hero with a queen for a lover and they were forced to constantly scour the countryside for monsters. Did his oath-breaking contribute to his death? I don''t know. Our father believed his affair with Mokosh would have consequences, though."

    According to the books, it was Tomas Rose marrying Maria Saffron after pledging eternal devotion to Mokosh that resulted in him believing he was accursed. Which was notable because Mokosh had never demanded fidelity from him. I tried not to see the parallel.

    Agata stared. "If everyone who had an affair in Ledziania was accursed then the entire country would be damned."

    "Yeah, it''d be invaded by the God of Evil and his undead hosts or something," Jon said, pausing. "I''m sorry, I agree with you Agata, but I had to point that out."

    Ania stared, her expression harsh. "I''m not going to let you die, Agata. What happened to Garland isn''t going to happen to you. Oathbreaking or not."

    "Technically she died just a few minutes ago," Jon said. "So, good luck with that."

    Agata swatted the back of the owlsine''s head.

    "So, just so we''re clear, the plan, if you can call it that, is to go down into a troll infested set of tunnels to seek out a portal that may or may not exist--"

    "May or may not be functional," Ivan said.

    "Yes," I said.

    "On the oft chance that it might save us a day or so in getting to La Tene," Ivan said.

    "That is our current plan, right?"

    "Yes," I said. "To save Joan."

    Ivan sighed. "Fine. I''ve gotten this far with you so far, I might as well see it to the end."

    Ania gestured to Thistle. "What about her?"

    I looked at her. "What do you feel?"

    "That she enthralled you, compelled you into sex that you may or may not have done, and planned to kill you," Ania said. "That makes me want to kill her. If I ever felt anything for Thistle now, it''s gone."

    I looked at her. "I don''t know if I would have been with her or not. I do know her own will was compromised by Zorya Nightbringer''s love curse. I don''t know if her will is compromised now by my power. However, without freedom of choice, there can be no crime. So, I''m willing to give her a chance to atone for crimes even if they''re not fully her own. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel taught me this."

    Thistle lowered her head. "My life is yours, Lord Aaron. Not because I suddenly feel guilty for the many crimes I have committed. Not because I feel love for Ania for the first time. No, because I understand that if the elf race is to survive then Veles must be defeated, and you are the only one who seems capable of doing so."

    "What are we? Rotting pork?" Bloodstorm asked, offended.

    "Then accept my pardon," I said, pausing. "But if you hurt anyone innocent ever again, you''re going into the Pokeball forever. The price for your freedom is the end of your war against humanity. You can kill humans to defend people but not to just hurt them."

    Ania stared at me. "We''d be better off just killing her."

    Thistle surprised me by agreeing. "Yes. I do not trust my judgement."

    "Then you''re lucky you have mine,¡± I snapped, pissed off at no one trusting me. I didn''t care if they had good reason. We were going to be merciful and kind, goddammit, no matter who I had to kill to make it happen. ¡°Now let''s go spelunking."

 Book Two - Chapter Thirty-Two - Mercy is not always a virtue

    I was standing in front of the hideous stooped over albino troll that was twice the size of the others in the sewer-dwelling clan. His stone throne was made of broken pieces of rubble assembled into a chair and his crown was welded together pieces of metal. The throne room was the portal chamber.

    "Rorrrr ruurrr arrhhh ruuur ruur," the Troll King said, speaking in a language that didn''t automatically translate into English, but I understood anyway. Weirdly, because an English translation appeared under his face in subtitles. I had no idea why this was the case versus everyone else in Ledziania.

    Because I''m bored, Perun replied.

    In any case, Ania''s claim about the trolls being mindless proved to be incorrect. Unfortunately, negotiating with them turned out to be a lot more complicated.

    I surveyed the chalk slate that they''d handed me. It contained an itemized list of demands we''d been going through. "Okay. So, we''ve wiped out the giant spider infestation. We''ve created a bunch of food stuffs to get you and your cubs through the winter. We also killed the basilisk that''s been menacing your kingdom. Can we please use the portal now?"

    "I admit that was anti-climatic," Jon said.

    "Yeah, it turns out they''re not immune to being shot in the head," I replied, looking at Ania, who had a smug expression on her face.

    I checked my EXP counter.

    Level 10 to 11

    363,500/375,000

    Nope, still not to 11th level.

    "Rooor Ruur ruur," the Troll King said.

    I cocked my head to one side. "You''re shifting the goal posts again, Your Highness. I don''t care how much of a conflict you''re having with the ratkin. It is not our place to go into their tunnels and wipe them out."

    "This shortcut is taking longer than the journey back," Ivan muttered under his breath. "Who ever heard of negotiating with trolls? They''re mindless animals."

    "You know they understand you, right?" I asked, looking at him.

    Ivan blinked. "Obviously not."

    "Yeah," I said. "Also, they''re immune to mind control. So you waving around the ruby didn''t do anything but annoy them."

    "Oh," Ivan muttered. "What about my monocle? I thought they might work in tandem--"

    "No," I said. "Probably not a good idea to suggest setting fire to their village via the methane pockets down here would let us quickly create a path to the portal."

    "Dammit," Ivan said.

    "It helps they think you''re my court jester," I said.

    "They are wondering why Bloodstorm, as the largest Friend, doesn''t eat the others," Jon said. "Thank you, Morbo from Futurama."

    "I''ve wondered that too," Bloodstorm said.

    "Rarr Rur Rurr Ruar," the Troll King responded. "Roor ruur ruur rah."

    "Really?" I asked. "The ratkin are all uniting under the banner of a new god? The Great Provider? The God of...Pushing Things? They''re planning a crusade?"

    Jon shook his head. "This is what comes from trying to be nice to monsters."

    Score, Perun said. It took forever for me to get my first hundred thousand worshipers. If you convert all the ratkin, you might outnumber humanity in followers.

    How the Hell am I being worshiped by the ratkin? I asked Perun.

    Well, in addition to the bit where you spared a bunch of them and suddenly made Crossroad a place were they could thrive under, someone also slew the Thirteen member who was in charge of keeping them as slaves, Perun said. You know, the Vermin Lord.

    Oh, I said.

    Then his replacement was slain, causing all the vampires who regularly fed on them to die out after they slaughtered each other, Perun replied. Now they have their own kingdom in Devil Pass.

    Oh, I replied again.

    There''s also Crazy Barry the self-styled ratkin priest of yours who your father showed an old VHS tape of The Muppets Take Manhattan, Perun said. He adopted it and other rat themed movies as promises of a better life where they are treated as equals to humans. It''s why he''s considered your religion''s prophet even if he can only cast 2nd level spells. He''s proclaimed Gonzo the Great to be your avatar.

    I paused. Okay, now you''re just making shit up.

    You can''t be a worse god than Veles to them, Perun said. There''s a reason whenever a new religion conquers an area, the first converts are the people on the bottom.

    But Crazy Barry though? I asked, sadly believing his insane claims about my religion.

    He was helped by Shroomy Sally, Perun said. Both of which are typical for religious founders. Be glad, I noticed Weis when he started seeing me after getting seizures from staring at the sun too long.

    I sighed. "I''d say this is ridiculous, but I have no basis for comparison given everything else that''s going on. Listen, can we just use the portal? We''re trying to save our friend''s life, and I think we''ve been really patient."

    "We should challenge the leader to trial by combat," Thistle said.

    "We''re not taking any advice from you, Therapist," Jon said.

    "Therapist?" Thistle asked.

    "Yeah, the rapist," Jon said.

    "I was mind controlled too!" Thistle said. "I think. I''m still dealing with this conscience and empathy thing."

    This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

    "Yeah, you can eat, pray, love on your own time, Therapist," Jon said. "All I know is that if we have to eat anyone in the group, you''re the first to go. Like Gilligan on Gilligan''s Island."

    "That''s ridiculous," I said. "Obviously, they should have eaten the millionaires first."

    "But they''re old and stringy!" Jon said.

    "Also, can we avoid the r word?" I asked. "I mean the other r word? I really don''t want to think about that in this context and am not sure it applies."

    "I''m saying you need to get some therapy after this," Jon said. "From an actual therapist. Get Agata to cast CURE INSANITY on you. Then you can stop with your ridiculous displays of mercy and just stab your mind-controlled angel."

    "Jon!" I growled.

    "It''s fair," Thistle said. "My life is yours."

    Ania looked torn.

    Everyone else seemed to look like they agreed with Jon.

    "Drop it," I said, snarling. "All of you. I made my decision."

    "All I''m saying is that if she looked like me instead of an all-female metal band''s lead, she''d already be in the ground," Bloodstorm said. "Ditto if she was with An--"

    Ania lifted her bow, silently backing up my words.

    I sighed. "You know, weird fact, I dated the head of an all-female metal band. Nightchilde and I hooked up for the first time after Demon Wiatru opened for Dragonforce."

    Ania looked up to me. "Your ex-girlfriend was named Nightchilde and had a band named Wind Demon?"

    "Yeah, and?" I asked.

    Ania facepalmed.

    You aren''t exactly covering yourself in glory by not making that connection, hoss, Perun said.

    I''m very deliberately not thinking about that as a possibility, I said. Nightchilde had her problems, but she wasn''t a literal goddess of darkness. I mean, yeah, sure, she claimed to be one when her band performed but that was just her stage persona. David Bowie wasn''t literally from space. Wait, was he?

    He was a divine avatar, but we knew that, Perun said. In any case, Nightbringer was always the cleverest of my children. If any of them could figure a way around the Old Gods corruption, it''s her. Plus, it''d make sense for her to be attracted to you even when you weren''t living up to your potential. She''d sense my blood in your veins.

    Okay, gross, I replied. Also, she dumped me for a barista.

    Maybe he was also one of the champions, Perun said. Or she was doing that thing where women sleep with other men to get you to want to win them back.

    That''s stupid, I said.

    Yes, Perun said. So is the thing when men sleep with other women and claim they mean nothing. Veles invented it when he spawned all those monsters with the Primeval Darkness. Led to the universe''s first divorce. Seriously dude, own it at least.

    That was when the Troll King started speaking rather rapidly and at length, which he''d rarely done during our conversation. I struggled to keep up with the subtitles and nodded my head along, knowing the rest of my team couldn''t understand.

    "What is he saying?" Ania asked.

    "He said the reason he was giving us such a hassle over the use of the portal is that they''ve only recently retaken this way station," I said, confused but realizing this was important. "They were driven out of it almost a decade ago by the forces of Veles and a bunch of armed men with weapons like your gun, Ania."

    "Epic Dungeoneering?" Ania asked, leaving off the trademark.

    "Yeah," I replied. "I''m guessing."

    It was still fricking bizarre to know a video game developer was the holding company of a network of mercenaries, arms manufacturers, lumber companies, and mining concerns that were covertly invading Mokosh. It wasn''t a massive operation and was more interested in magic than the planet''s natural resources but since the former was in the latter, it was still a growing concern. I''d say this was Third World exploitation, but I supposed it was Fourth World (with apologies to Jack Kirby).

    "Well, that explains a few things," Bloodstorm said, reminding everyone why he was the second smartest guy in the group. Ivan''s INT stats were identical, but he had WIS only slightly higher than mine.

    "What things?" Ivan asked.

    "How they''ve been moving around Ledziania without anyone knowing about the giant hordes of skeletons, necromancers, and other shit," I pointed out. "Crossroad probably has been attacked a dozen times through this very portal."

    Bloodstorm nodded, letting me know I was on the right track. "Everyone in the country has heard about the armies of the dead and the evils being worked on Bald Mountain, but the forces of the Dark Lord move like ghosts. Most people seemed to have assumed he was teleporting them around himself or animating local corpses. It turns out the answer was simpler."

    "I''m not sure that ancient magical portal subway tunnels belonging to the long-dead civilization of the vampire elves is a simpler solution," I replied. "However, it''s probably the truth."

    "Then we should blow it up," Ania asked, showing her usual levels of restraint. "Deprive Veles of a weapon."

    "I suspect it would be easier and less likely to destroy something that could help rebuild the kingdom if we just asked the King here to cover the front with a bunch of rocks," I replied. "There''s probably a way to disable the controls as well."

    "The vampire elves didn''t construct this network any more than humans did," Thistle said, daring to speak up. "This was constructed by the Northern Continent dwellers, the Firstborn. They combined natural philosophy with magic and created a society that occupied several worlds. The gods then smote them and sent their homeland to another reality."

    "Really?" I asked.

    We''re gods, Perun said. Punishing hubris is kind of what they do. However, if it''s any consolation, the Atlanteans were enormous cocks. Slavery, human experimentation, and eugenics. They''re responsible for every race we didn''t create, which is like most of them. They made basilisks to get rid of their ratkin problems.

    What a wonderful bunch, I replied. Will we have to deal with them too?

    Maybe in the next trilogy, Perun joked. The Dark Undermaster Saga II: The Search for More Views.

    I''d have read that book. Shaking my head, I focused on the Troll King. "So, you''re afraid that if we open the portal, we''ll clue whoever is on the other side that you guys have taken back your home."

    The Troll King grunted an affirmation. Which annoyed me because it meant that he''d mostly been getting us to do chores for him with no intention of letting us pass.

    "Tell him we will begin smiting his followers if he does not agree," Thistle said. "Your divine powers are beyond anything they can stand against."

    "Thistle, shut up," I said, simply.

    Everyone else gave her a nasty look as well but they looked at me with a mixture of discomfort as well.

    Morale is in the shitter, Perun said. I''ll be honest. Remember, I''m the guy who monitors all the stats for everyone and the Approval ratings you''ve got from your companions are down.

    Way down.

    All because I spared Thistle, I said.

    Yeah, who could have thought the anti-human terrorist who brainwashed Ania into being a killer and screwed with you would be a mood killer.

    She isn''t responsible for her actions, I said. I also have been mind-controlled before what happened. This was different.

    Maybe, Perun said. Or maybe she was a shitty person before she joined the Elvish Liberation Front.

    I sighed. I''m being pragmatic.

    How? Perun asked.

    Thistle knows the inner workings of how the elvish government works, has a connection to their possible queen, and can tell us about how the Wind Demon''s inner circle works, I said. Everyone thinks that I''m a big softie but I''m trying to keep focus on the big picture. Maybe that means we spare Gollum.

    Sparing Gollum isn''t what they did, Perun said.

    There''s a whole speech by Gandalf about that, I said. Pity and so on. It''s why the One Ring got destroyed. Without mercy, they wouldn''t have succeeded.

    That''s maybe what Tolkien intended, Perun said. However, Frodo also took the One Ring and used it to curse Gollum to throw himself into the fire if he broke his oath not to betray them. So you could interpret the lesson is not to show mercy but to punish the wicked when they reject pardon.

    That was food for thought but hardly relevant. I had one last card to play, though. "Your Highness, we need to get through the portal in order to find a sorceress to break the enchantment over our unconscious friend over here. If she doesn''t get healing soon, she''ll die of thirst or other conditions."

    Jon looked at me, shuffling Joan on his back. "Really? Appeal to his sense of mercy?"

    The Troll King stared at me with his all-too-human eyes in an otherwise monstrous body. "Rruurr ruurar rhh."

    I nodded. "Thank you."

    "What did he say?" Ania asked, confused.

    "He said I should have opened with it being a medical emergency," I said. "They''ll power up the portal now."

    SIDEQUEST(S) COMPLETED:

    Obtain passage through the Troll Kingdom 1/1

    +10,000 EXP (Obtain Passage)

    + 2000 EXP (Do so nonviolently)

    Level 11 to 12

    0/750,000 EXP

    YES!

 Book Two - Chapter Thirty-Three - The Dungeons of Xaos

    Our party stood before the portal as the Trolls operated the machinery with a lot more understanding and skill than the Sisters of Mokosh. I hadn''t gotten to see much of the trolls¡¯ handiwork, but they seem to have built a successful civilization out of the ruins. It had a weird Fallout-esque junkyard quality but that didn''t mean it wasn''t functional.

    "These seem like nice guys," I said. "I wonder why they''re living underground."

    "Because they''re under an order of extermination dating back to the Elfslayer," Ania said, frowning.

    I blinked. "Okay, so genocide is a thing we''re cool with now?"

    "It''s the one thing the elves, humans, and dwarves all agree on," Bloodstorm said. "Everyone different than us by more than X amount has got to go."

    Agata looked ashamed but I wasn''t sure if it was for her race, the nobility, or herself.

    "My father believed that all the Five Great Races could get along if one simply cared enough," Ivan said. "It was stupid but admirable. Even he was unable to do more than get rid of the bounties for ratkin tails and goblin ears. Those were his father''s initiatives, though smaller ones had been put forth for centuries prior. The Elfslayer actually killed far more of those species than he did of the rabbit ears."

    Thistle bristled and I got the impression that was a racial slur.

    Ania sighed. "I have enough trouble trying to save the world from destruction. Saving sociey from the war between species is beyond my abilities."

    "The Twisted Spawn," Bloodstorm said before frowning. "Yeah, well the Trolls and the races like them are even more hated than the ratkin. The ratkin are considered pests but the Twisted Spawn are considered enemies of all life. They were made from the thousands of people kidnapped by their servants during the Great Darkness. People believe them to be pure evil."

    "They don''t seem to be," I said. "I also thought you would be a person who thought differently."

    Bloodstorm shrugged. "In my case, hags, ogres, and vampires generally are complete assholes who deserve to be killed on sight. The exception proves the rule. It''s the difference between monsters and people. I admit, though, I am surprised at how amiable this group has turned out to be. It seems there''s a spectrum from innately fused with evil like the Deathrot wights to just people with funny ears."

    Thistle stared at Bloodstorm. "Can you please stop speaking of my people like that."

    "My father''s an elf, Therapist," Bloodstorm said, adopting Jon''s name for her.

    Thistle stared and cocked her head to one side. Clearly, she hadn''t noticed that he was part-elf. "I''m so sorry."

    "Your angel sucks man," Bloodstorm said. "You know you''re allowed to cast her into the abyss, right? Basic divine privilege."

    "No one is being cast into the abyss," I said, thinking still upon the trolls'' situation. It was pretty close to the Morgoth warping elves thing from The Silmarillion (and that godawful Amazon show). I''d never been comfortable with it as an origin of the orcs because it meant they were victims rather than victimizers.

    Well, technically, they were both. It meant our heroes never really tried to help them, even Gandalf. As a child, I''d thought Tolkien''s creation of the Uruk-Hai had been him planning to reveal that orcs would eventually become like men and have a chance at redemption like other free-willed beings.

    Nope, Tolkien had just been hoping for an origin where the heroes could keep killing them guilt-free. Probably his one flaw as an author but JRR was still leagues better as an author than Larry C.C. Weis. My opinion of my former favorite fantasy scribe, Weis not Tolkien, had taken a serious hit not because of the fact he''d banished me to another universe, well not just because, but the revelation Weis stole all his plot beats from reality.

    "Let''s just focus on trying to get the elves allied to us," Ania said. "If nothing else, we can turn over Thistle as a party gift."

    I didn''t respond but I was getting really pissed off here. If anyone had a right to be upset here, it was me, and I didn''t need to be the one they were angry for. "Let''s focus on Joan first then we can focus on the elves. The party comes first."

    "That''s dumb," Ania said, annoying me. "If I have to sacrifice everyone here to save the world, I''d do it."

    "Oh," I said.

    Ania turned back to the portal. "Then I''d slay myself on your grave, Aaron."

    ¡°Please don¡¯t,¡± I said.

    On that morbid note, the portal swirled, and I stepped through it. I was taking a lot on trust, but I always wanted to deal with my problems by moving forward. It didn''t always resolve the problem but at least gave me a direction to be moving.

    The travel through the portal was much the same as the one in the Great Tree, which at least told me I was unlikely to disintegrate or splatter against a barrier on the other side. I found myself walking out of a circle in yet another underground tunnel. This one was far larger than the one we''d just came from and stretched on like the inside of a football stadium''s underside.

    This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

    The place was dingy, dark, and illuminated by strange glowing fungus on the wall. It had weird smells and there were tunnels all across the wall, each labeled in a glyphs and runes I took to be the Firstborn''s language as it had no resemblance to elvish. The control panel for the portal was smashed to the side of the machine, looking like it had been done recently since there was a set of wooden crates marked DYNAMITE next to it. Oh and a bunch of discarded cigarettes on the ground beside it.

    Real nice job, guys.

    Great safety standards.

    The others followed me through the portal and it shut off the moment that Jon finished coming through, preventing us from leaving.

    "Yeah, I don''t think this looks like La Tene, Aaron," Jon said, stating the obvious.

    "No shit, Sherlock," I replied.

    "This is the Dungeons of Xaos," Thistle said, looking around.

    "The Dungeons of Chaos, really?" I asked. "Was the Pit of Doom taken?"

    "No, the Pit of Doom is elsewhere," Thistle said. "Xaos was one of the last of the Vampire Lords after the overthrow of Night King Maelor. This is where he dumped the bodies of the thousands of elves bled dry during his tyrannical reign. It is the cistern and sewer system of La Tene. We''re under the city now."

    "Ah," I said, frowning. "Great. I bet its full of monsters then."

    "That is a silly thing to say," Thistle said, rolling her eyes. "The ruins of La Tene have been abandoned for a thousand--"

    We were interrupted by the sound of a massive roar that sounded like a dragon speaking into a megaphone. The entirety of our surroundings shook like there was an earthquake and dust mixed with loose masonry poured from the ceiling down on us.

    "Huh," Thistle said, blinking, "That''s new."

    "We used to hide down here when we were carrying out attacks against the royal forces," Ania said. "It used to be safe."

    "It''s clearly not now," Ivan said, pausing. "Also, thank you for your pointless aid to the zealots murdering the knights of the kingdom."

    "You''re welcome," Ania said.

    Ivan frowned.

    "If you remember how to get up to the surface, I think we''ll avoid any major fights," I said, primarily thinking about Joan but also believing our team needed to get its head straight before it started anything. We had to have each other''s backs even if we hated each other. Okay, even if everyone hated Thistle and were pissed at me for sparing her. "Just give me a second to level up."

    Instead of appearing on the Mark of the Champion for everyone to see, I just saw it in front of my face when I willed it to appear. I decided to put an Attribute point in WIS since, clearly, I needed more of that. I saw the system stats had been updated as well, listing SPIRIT SUMMONS now. It also had new spells for me to claim like DRAGONSBREATH and CURE (III).

    Oh, and NEUTRALIZE POISON.

    ...

    Shit.

    Didn''t I have egg on my face.

    ARAGORN ¡°AARON¡± BARTKOWSKI

    LVL: 11

    CLASS: UNDERMASTER SORCERER (MASTER RANGER)

    ALIGNMENT: GRAY

    AGE: 34

    SEX: MALE

    RACE: HUMAN (Demigod)

    STR: 12 (19)

    AGI: 10 (11)

    CON: 11

    INT: 24

    WIS: 11

    COM: 15 (16)

    CHA: 15

    ARMOR CLASS: 27

    ATTACK: +7 (+18 to ATTACK, 1d10+14/18 [Undead] DAM, Sword of Perun [Lightning, Holy])

    HEALTH: 60

    DIVINITY: 7

    FEAT: Taunt, Sword and Shield, Two Handed Fighting, Tracking

    SPECIAL ABILITIES: ARCANE FIRE (1d6+10 INT bonus, Eldritch Damage, x3 Staff of Dragon Kings, Critical Hit Possible), BLOCK (requires shield), LESSER MAGIC (unlimited times per day), COUNTERSPELL, DIVINE ENHANCEMENT [Push]

    SPELL LIST (MAX/4/4/4/3/3):

    LESSER MAGIC EFFECTS: CLEAN SELF, CREATE FOOD, CREATE FIRE, CREATE WATER, MINOR ILLUSION, REFRESH, TELEKENESIS (1 Kilo per INT bonus), VENTRILOQUISM, MEND, TORCHLIGHT, SILENT WALK, IDENTIFY MAGICAL OBJECT, LESSER SENDING (Party Only), BLESS, SOOTHE ANIMAL

    [1] PUSH [+++], CURE, JUMP, ARMOR

    [2] WEB, ANIMAL SUMMONING, ENTANGLE

    [3] SUGGESTION, LESSER CHARM, CURE (II), NEUTRALIZE POISON

    [4] POLYMORPH OTHER, DIVINE BOW, CURE (III)

    [5] SUNSTRIKE, REVIVE, DRAGONBREATH

    SPIRIT SUMMONS: STOMPY, THISTLE

    STATUS EFFECTS:

    * Alchemical Stone (White): You recover 20 HP after a short rest and status ailments

    * Blessing of Zorya Dawnbringer: +1 to AGL, +1 to AGI

    * Ring of Ogre Strength: STR is 19 when wearing this

    * Boots of speed: Double Movement Speed, Dodge Roll Bonus

    * Ranger¡¯s Mark: +4 to hit/damage against Undead

    * +4 to all Saving Throws [Divine]

    * Can cast PERUN''S DIVINE LIGHTNING BOLT once per day

    * Can grant 1st and 2nd level spells to priests and answer PRAYER [ACTIVE]

    "Ahem," I said, pausing and went over to Joan before putting my hand on her forehead. "NEUTRALIZE POISON."

    All of my group turned to stare at me.

    Joan started coughing and looked up. "Why am I tied to the side of a bear with an owl''s face?"

    "Hi!" Jon said. "You''re packing on the pounds, little girl. Have you discovered doughnuts as a pope''s breakfast?"

    Joan sighed. "Can someone untie me? What did I miss?"

    "Thistle is a vampire demon but Aaron forking her turned her into a living angel," Jon said. "Except, she mindrap...err mind zapped him into it first. Probably. It''s possible he was down to fork to begin with but we''ll never know."

    "Uh huh," Joan said, still trapped in the ropes that Bloodstorm had tied her with.

    "He would have," Agata said. "But that doesn''t matter because she''s a murdering skank angel."

    I pulled out a knife to cut Joan free before pausing. "They have skank as a word in Ledziania?"

    "They have it wherever skanks are," Agata said, growling.

    "I don''t think he would have," Ivan said. "You can tell the man is in love."

    "His magic gunk also cured her of being evil," Jon said. "Except it might just have brainwashed her as well."

    "I am not brainwashed," Thistle said. "Severing my bond to the Nightbringer has just made me view the entire world differently."

    "How about we never discuss this again?" Ania asked. "Aaron made his choice. His stupid, stupid choice."

    "Worst angel ever," Agata muttered under her breath.

    "Lucifer is worse," I muttered.

    "Yes, let''s never discuss this again," Joan said. "I feel traumatized by just the summary. Also, like a fool because Thistle said she already had her bond to the Old Ones severed."

    "That was Veles not the Nightbringer," Thistle said. "My deals with evil gods came in layers."

    Okay, maybe sparing her was a mistake. "Well, if you can lead us to the surface then we''ll--"

    That was when the roar was repeated, shaking the chamber again. A group of injured knights in armor accompanied by a pair of wizards emerged from one of the nearby tunnels, fleeing as fast as their legs could carry them. One of them was a tall, 6''1 woman, with short blonde hair, a muscular athlete¡¯s frame, and a very familiar face. On her wrist was one of the Marks of the Champion. She was helping a beautiful white-haired bearded man in gilded armor covered in runes.

    I stared at the woman. "Francine Dubois?"

    "Aaron Bartkowski?" Francine asked, doing a double take.

    "You!" the man said, staring not at me but at Thistle.

    Ania stared at him as Agata took a step back.

    "Ah, hello brother," Ivan said, addressing Jorg the Bastard Knight. "Fancy seeing you here."

 Book Two - Chapter Thirty-Four - The Other Champions

    I''d always had a weird thought about heroic fantasy. Bear with me. Basically, I had the strange idea that if there really was a Dark Lord or some terrible evil that threatened all the land, you''d hedge your bets and not just send one Chosen One to deal with the problem. Now, this doesn''t make a very good story but I couldn''t help but imagine the fantasy worlds were littered with farm boys, rebellious princesses, good hearted thieves, and divine blooded wizards that just didn''t make the songs.

    This, of course, was exactly how it turned out to be under Larry C.C. Weis. I was lucky no. fifteen out of fifteen and if I pulled it off, it would be a miracle. However, I''d always wondered what the others had been up to and how far they''d managed to go. I had a pretty good idea about how Valentin''s crusade went (rage-quitting at the perceived lack of respect from the women he assumed would fawn over him for his heroics), how Jon''s story went (martial arts card game action), and was slowly putting together what happened to Alek. However, it was Francine who every indicated was the only other champion who''d amounted to much.

    It had always been on my bucket list, if such a thing could be said to exist since my exile to this world, to track her down. After all, two heads were better than one and I''d always felt she was a competant as well as good-hearted person. Seeing her here alongside Jorg the Bastard Knight and, if I didn''t miss my guess, Barghest the Wolf Lord among two other secondary characters from the novel I didn''t recall the names of (but recognized the look of from fanart) was sign she''d been up to her own adventures. They also had a pretty redheaded wizardess in the back.

    This was a good sign.

    "Die again, you evil bitch!" Jorg the Bastard Knight shouted, pulling out his sword and shield before charging at Thistle.

    No one moved to protect her.

    "PUSH!" I shouted, raising my hand. I''d had a chance to rest a couple of times and regain my spells. I dialed back the power on it immensely as I didn''t want to kill the guy. Unfortunately, it still sent him flying back like a bowling ball into the other knights, who were thrown apart like pins. Only Francine and the redhead managed to avoid being knocked over.

    "Are we killing the Bastard Knight?" Ania asked, drawing her blades. She''d taken Zorya Dawnbringers and looked positively ectastic about having them. "Because I''m fine with that. Try not to kill Francine, though."

    "Spare the Wolf Lord, please," Agata said, lifting her staff. "I also am happy to kill Jorg."

    "Can we not kill my brother?" Ivan asked, pulling out a small automatic crossbow built in the steampunk (Clockpunk? Dungeonpunk?) Grand Duchy. He seemed to have his own bag of holding that he hadnt lost when he''d given up his mark.

    "It''s like the movie said," Bloodstorm said, lifting his hammer. "There can be only one!"

    "BARRIER!" Joan shouted, raising her staff and creating a magical wall between the two of our parties. "No one is hurting anyone!"

    Francine proceeded to pull out an utterly ridiculous looking greatsword. We''re talking halfway between Guts from Berserk''s sword and Cloud''s Buster Sword. It was covered in runes and I could tell it had power every bit as equal to the one in the divine blades we''d seized. She didn''t aim it at me, though but held it front of her fellows. "Hold! I think, I think I recognize some of this group."

    Francine looked different from the woman I knew her and she''d obviously invested a few of her points in Comeliness. Either that or the transformation I''d undergone had affected her as well. Her glow up had improved her complexion, made her bob a shiny gold, and brought out the brilliance of her eyes even if her body was as muscular as a woman''s might be imagined. Sort of like if Saber from Fate/Stay Night was combined with an American Gladiator. She was also in sensible plate mail, which I was surprised existed for women in Ledziania.

    "Some of this group?" Ania asked, offended. "We traveled together for a year, you bitch."

    "Sorry, I thought you were an imposter or a hallucination!" Francine said.

    "Why?" Ania asked.

    "You were smiling when I first came on you," Francine said. "Are you okay?"

    Ania glared. "Jon, how do you do that gesture?"

    "Just raise your middle finger," Jon said.

    Ania did so. "Thank you."

    Ivan sighed. "Lady Dubois, this is Lord Aaron Bartkowski, Overmaster of the Dark Undermasters (such as they are). You know Lady Ania and Lady Agata Rose. We met a couple of times before you let me know you weren''t into short men."

    "I''m not into men," Francine corrected.

    "Your relationship with my brother says otherwise," Ivan said.

    "Your brother is my best friend," Francine said, relaxing her posture but only a little bit. "A relationship between a man and a woman doesn''t have to be sexual."

    Jon gave a raspberry, which was impressive given he had an owl''s beak. "I note you don''t recognize me."

    "Should I?" Francine asked.

    "This is John Snowan from creative," I replied. "Hi Francine, nice to see you alive."

    "Do we know each other?" Francine asked.

    I stared. "Really, Francine?"

    "I''m sorry, it''s been awhile," Francine said. "Wait, I do remember you! Aragorn. The divergent guy who was constantly posting on Reddit instead of doing his job."

    "Goddammit," I muttered. Clearly the admiration I''d had for her turned out to have been one sided. "I only did that to keep my mind occupied in-between the drudgery. It was actually faster."

    "They all say that," Francine said.

    "Yeah, but it was true in my case," I said.

    "You know Thistle AKA The Therapist, don''t know Ser Bloodstorm, and this spellcasting child is no one of import," Ivan said. "Certainly not someone you would want to take hostage to threaten the Empire."

    "You may have been a little too direct with that part," I replied.

    "Sorry. Clearly, I am overwhelmed with emotion from being reunited with my brother after a decade," Ivan said, showing no change in demeanor.

    Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators!

    "We have way too many sarcastic buttholes on this team," Jon said, still struggling to swear. "It dilutes the overall effect. We need a Steve Guttenberg to balance the others out. Aaron is getting way too interesting to be the straightman."

    I didn''t mention to Jon that Steve Guttenberg was by far the most interesting character in the Police Academy movies. "Listen--"

    Francine ignored me. "The Wise Man continues to send champions to their doom. I''m sorry, Mr. Bartkowski, I know this must be terrifying for you. However, I promise I can protect you from the horrors here."

    I stared at her. "Uh huh."

    "I think I''ll be fine," I said, trying not to sound offended.

    Jorg the Bastard Knight ignored his brother and kept his sword and shield out even as he stared death at Thistle.

    "You have no idea the horrors to be found here," Francine said, not letting Jorg pass. "You obviously haven''t been here long."

    "That was two gods ago," Ania said, stepping to my defense. "Chernabog and the Fire Demon have both been slain, something you should have noticed on your mark. That was Aaron''s doing."

    "He soloed the Dawnbringer," Bloodstorm said. "But I''m taking partial credit for Chernabog."

    Francine looked back at the red mage in their group before looking back at me. "You''ve been going after the Old Gods? Directly? Are you insane?"

    "I mean, the jury is still out on the last one but yes," I replied, "to all three. What''s your strategy?"

    Francine puffed up her chest as if particularly proud. "To assemble armies large enough to take each of the Old Ones out individually and then move on Veles."

    I stared at her. "That would get hundreds, if not thousands of people killed."

    "And your solution is to, what, send a small team to kill gods?" Francine asked.

    "I mean, it was our plan here," Barghest the Wolf Lord said. He was a very ugly man with a face like Marv from Sin City. His smashed-in-face was distracted from by the fact he wore a wolf''s head pelt over his helmet. Supposedly, the wolf had been his only friend growing up and he communed with its spirit.

    Barghest was the kennel master for the Mad Queen and former bodyguard of Prince Cezary before he participated in Lord Embery''s attempt to spirit away the Rose sisters. He and Garland had been friends but this didn''t mean Barghest wasn''t a cold-blooded murderer.The Mad Queen had sent him to do much of her dirty work and he''d covered up several of Cezary''s murders. In the end, it had been Agata''s kindness to him that had helped him turn against his masters. I was surprised to see him alongside the Bastard Knight and Francine.

    "Only because we had no choice!" Francine said, growling at him.

    That was when another horrific roar spread throughout the caverns. "That isn''t just a dragon or other monster, is it?"

    "No," Francine said. "It is Prince Cezary, mutated and twisted into a demon dragon that is far more powerful than any member of the Thirteen or even the Old One. It is the new Wind Demon."

    "Wait, what?" I asked.

    "Impossible," Ivan said, a look of shock and horror on his face. Weirdly, there was something else.

    Guilt?

    "The Old Ones are not content to sit in their grand temples and rest their laurels," Jorg said, finally getting up and not taking his eyes off Thistle. "Especially not after fifteen champions had tried to take them down. Zorya Nightbringer severed herself from the corrupted parts of her avatar and bound herself to Veles'' child."

    "That seems like an objectively terrible idea," Ania said, making an observation that I didn''t think actually needed to be stated.

    "Prince Cezary is not enjoying his promotion to godhood," Barghest said, sounding surprisingly sad. "Whatever sanity the boy had, that little part of humanity I tried to nurture, was obliterated by the merger. It''s now a mindless creature that will rampage through all of Ledziania unless it''s destroyed."

    "Couldn''t have happened to a nicer person," Agata said, having picked up that Earthly idiom from somewhere.

    Ivan grunted as if pondering something.

    "How did it get down here?" I asked, confused.

    "Apollonia, Rhoeas, The Great Mother, the Wise Man, the Red Witch, the Wise Man, and an army of other wizards joined their power together together to bind it down below La Tene," Francine explained. "It is a binding that won''t hold forever, though, and they are working on forming a peace treaty united around destroying it."

    I blinked. "Well, that''s an unexpected twist."

    "Yeah, it turns out Cersei will join the fight against the White Walkers," Jon said, referring to the series that Weis was most often accused of ripping off.

    "Convenient," Ivan said, disgusted. "Weis finally gains some momentum in his war against Veles and suddenly an enemy to unite all of Ledziania appears."

    "There already was an enemy to unite all of Ledziania," I pointed out. "Veles."

    Jorg poked the barrier summoned by Joan with his sword and it crackled. "My sister did not view Veles as an enemy. His spirit nurtured her and taught her magic when her mother wanted to lock her away as a mad woman who saw things that weren''t there. It took the madness of her son, well more madness than usual, to finally turn her against him. Now why is that elf alive?"

    Ivan sighed, clearly not approving of Jorg''s monomania. "She was brought back by Veles to kill Aaron, who despite being...Aaron...seems to be the only one actually accomplishing anything."

    "I find that remark...accurate," I said.

    "Then Aaron forked her and redeemed her soul because Mokosh is a strange, strange world," Ivan said.

    "Thistle and I didn''t sleep together," I said, coughing into my fist. This was going to be an awkward conversation to have. "There was no magic spooge. She just drank my blood and that took her out."

    "What?" Jon asked, doing a double take. "You had a Pwiffle card and everything!"

    "She was trying to kill him," Ania grunted, clearly thinking that was the important part.

    "I was indeed!" Thistle said.

    "Yes, what?" Agata asked.

    "She only bit my thigh," I said, uncomfortable. "I passed out before anything, else, could happen. We''d just gotten undressed."

    "It was his holy blood that purified my soul!" Thistle said.

    Jon shook his head. "Oh man, I was completely wrong about that. I thought she had done way worse."

    "She still mind controlled him and drank his blood while attempting to kill him," Ania said. "That qualifies her for death in my opinion."

    "Yeah, but just biting?" Jon asked. "That''s like...second, third, err, okay I''m not sure what baseball metaphor that qualifies for. If drinking his blood qualifies, then Agata giving naked snuggles qualifies."

    "They don''t?" Ania asked.

    "You think they do?" Agata asked, appalled.

    Francine and the rest of the second champion group looked at me strangely. "What the hell kind of operation are you running here?"

    "I ask myself that question every day," I said. "At least it''s working out for me better than the guy who just played Pwiffle and learned martial arts while screwing everything that moved."

    "Hey!" Jon said.

    "Yeah, I''ve heard of that guy," Francine said. "We called him the Idiot Champion."

    "Hey!" Jon said.

    "In any case, she''s under my protection," I replied. "You already killed her once, Jorg. You also killed all her friends. Consider the matter settled."

    "Like hell," Jorg said.

    "We need to work together," I replied, knowing that it was probably impossible.

    "I agree," I heard a voice from the back of their team say.

    The red dressed member of their party came into view and she immediately took my breath away. She wasn''t overwhelmingly beautiful like Mokosh or Zorya Dawnbringer but had a kind of Girl Next Door quality that was pushed to the eleven. She was a redhead, because of course she was, but was a curvier Felicia Day or Deborah Ann Woll type rather than a Scarlett Johansson.

    She was dressed in a red evening gown, fancy dresses being the official uniform for sorceresses in this world despite the impracticality, with a slit. She was wearing practical boots underneath it, though, as well as a broad witches'' hat of the kind that you''d find on Halloween. She had a staff of silver similar to the Dragon King''s one in my bag of holding.

    I admitted, I hadn''t been thinking about sex since my questionable encounter with Thistle but immediately felt stirrings as powerful as the ones I''d felt when I''d first seen Ania. I pushed those down, no longer interested in anyone else, but still appreciated the view.

    Franchine gestured with her head. "Our attempts to defeat the Wind Demon as a twelve man team failed. We wouldn''t have survived without Rachel''s help."

    Rachel?

    Oh no.

    No, no, no.

    The woman stepped forward, offering her hand and displaying her cleavage with a bounce. "If you really are the one who slayed Zorya Dawnbringer, the world owes you an immense debt. It''s what she would have wanted."

    I backed away from her like she was radioactive. "Hi."

    "I''m Rachel Morning!" The woman said, cheerfully. "Daughter of Zorya Dawnbringer and the Unknown Champion! I make the things go boom!"

    I closed my eyes, mortified with embarrassment. "Hi, Rachel, I''m your dad."

    Everyone stared at us both.

    Goddammit.

 Book Two - Chapter Thirty-Five - The Wind Demon Strikes

    ¡°Godsdamn,¡± Jon said, looking Rachel up and down. "You look like the kids from Weird Science made the perfect fake geek girl to marry. Now that we''ve moved on from the Thistle thing, I can remove the filter I''d been using on my jokes."

    "You had a filter?" I asked, horrified. If that was Jon holding back then I had greatly underestimated just what a monster I had in my midst.

    "Oh yeah, I was holding way back," Jon said, bobbing his owl head up and down on his bear''s body. "Like, seriously, the incest jokes write themselves."

    "The what now?" Francine asked.

    "Don''t ask!" Ania said, appalled.

    "You don''t get to say that when you made them!" I snapped.

    Ania looked guilty.

    "So, Rachel, have you ever heard of an Elektra complex? Are you familiar with the story of Lot''s daughters from the Bible? Have I got a revelation for you about the ending of the original Korean Old Boy," Jon said. "Okay, that may actually have exhausted my supply of references there. Can you help me out here, Bloodstorm?"

    "I watched a lot of telenovelas on your world so maybe," Bloodstorm said. "However, literally both of these people you''re making fun of are gods and one has recently developed the power to throw lightning."

    Jon looked at Bloodstorm then me then back at Bloodstorm. "You raise a valid point. Alright, Aaron, you have my permission to do an incest."

    Rachel looked amused rather than offended. "What a funny little bird-owl thing."

    "OwlsineTM," Jon said. "We can make merch of me and there''s not a damned thing Hasbro can do to stop it."

    Francine looked at me then Jon. "How have you not killed that thing yet?"

    "That is one of life''s great mysteries, isn''t it?" I asked, nodding my head. "There''s actually a very simple story behind this."

    "I have no desire to know it," Francine said.

    "Oh, if only I had that option," Ania muttered under her breath.

    "I''m the reincarnation of my mother," Rachel said. "Her soul joined with mine in the Sky Realm where I was raised to save Mokosh. So, obviously I remember fucking--"

    "Please, gods, do not finish that sentence," Francine said, appalling. "This is why I''m an atheist."

    "I don''t think you can be an atheist when gods are literally real and walking around you," I replied. "That''s like Flat Earthing."

    I would have preferred to focus on the fact that there was one of the Old Gods within hearing distance, one that had apparently just kicked this groups'' ass. The Old Gods weren''t acting like video game bosses anymore, just sitting on their thrones and waiting for the hero to show up on their doorstep. We''d narrowly escaped Belobog coming after us at Castle Bloodmoon and had no blundered right into the Wind Demon far away from the Wind Temple.

    It was potentially a good thing since it meant that Weis and Veles'' game was no longer dictating our actions, but it rendered all of our previous plans moot. Well, my previous plans, which admittedly hadn''t gone much further than, ''Level up and kill each Old God before going after Veles.''

    Joan, perhaps noting she was a priest, lifted her staff and coughed. "As the designated representative of the gods here, I feel I should take charge."

    "You know, barring the fact two actual gods are physically present," Bloodstorm said, coughing. "Also, two more demigods."

    "Plus, one other priestess," Agata said. "With significantly more life experience."

    "Three demigods," Francine said, lifting her mark. "I made an effort to recover several of the marks of my fellow champions when they fell. Alek is one too."

    "You know Alek?" I asked.

    "Everyone knows Alek," Jorg said, somberly. "He''s the world''s greatest warrior. Some in the Imperial Forces say he was chosen by Mythras to end Veles'' threat."

    Joan looked hurt.

    "Ah, great, you hurt White Magic Girl''s feelings," Jon said, looking between Bloodstorm and Jorg. "You monsters! It''s alright, Sailor Mokosh, we promise to block the haters from your fan pages. They''re still going to make creepy fan art of you, though."

    Joan looked a lot like Ania did with her withering gaze. "I can conjure a spiritual animal that can crush buildings, Ghost Bird."

    "Would that be a Papal Bull?" Jon asked, showing a surprising amount of wit for once.

    "She''s probably not used to not being the most important person in the room," I said, glad we were joking rather than killing each other. "Hey, Ania, you should share your Taylor Swift playlist with her."

    "I love Taylor Swift!" Rachel said. "The angelic trainees and I used to listen to her all the time in the Sky Realm!"

    "Send me back to hell," Thistle muttered, facepalming.

    "That can be arranged," Ania said, narrowing her eyes before turning back to Francine''s group. Sadly, the festive atmosphere had penetrated neither her nor Jorg''s attitude. "You may be temporarily working for the side of humanity, Bastard Knight, but you are guilty of introducing me to a whole new level of evil by torturing and murdering my friends."

    "Thistle is an instigator of wars and a murderer," Jorg said.

    "So are you," Ania said, coldly.

    Jorg, to his credit, lowered in his head. "Yes."

    "I see you found yourself another lover," Barghest said, looking at Agata and referring to Bloodstorm.

    "Quite a few in fact," Agata said, looking not exactly ashamed but saddened. "Our paths were always destined to diverge."

    Huh. I did not know those two had hooked up. Maybe even Weis had known the age gap would have been too much.

    "You want to hash it out, Dogboy?" Bloodstorm asked.

    Barghest gave Bloodstorm an unpleasant smile. "I would."

    "We need to combine our forces," I replied, once more falling into Diplomat Aaron mode. "You have injured, and we have healers. We all want the same thing: a Southern Kingdoms free from fear and strife."

    "Yeah, that''s absolutely not what everyone wants," Francine said, lowering her head. "However, speaking for our group, I accept your offer of aid, Aaron. We''re retreating to the surface for the time being but only to regroup in order to make another strike against the Wind Demon. It can''t be allowed to recover."

    "Why retreat?" Jorg asked, turning to her. "If these individuals are supposedly the heroes you have always claimed to be, we can have them heal our wounds and make another attack against the Wind Demon immediately."

    A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

    I felt like we didn''t have nearly enough information about our present situation to make that kind of tactical decision. "Listen--"

    "Agreed!" Ivan said, stepping forward. "I have a magical cannon shrunken in my bag of holding! Let us cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!"

    "Pipe down, General Chang," Jon said, referencing Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. "Adults are talking."

    Barghest looked confused then at me. "Okay, what the hell have you done to Ivan?"

    "He''s a very heroic figure," I said, fudging the truth. "This is the first I''ve heard about a magical cannon, though."

    Ivan reached into his bag and pulled out a small wooden toy cannon before putting it on the ground. It proceeded to become a full-sized version with a rune-covered metal barrel. There was no fuse and I suspected the magic substituted for several necessary elements like powder and reloading cannon balls.

    "Did you steal that from Cezary?" Barghest asked, still incredulous. "He used to play with toy figurines and alchemy too."

    Ivan pointed at me. "You have a history of pulling off the impossible, Ser Aaron. If there''s anyone who can come up with a plan that will slay my nephew and the Wind Demon at once, it is you. This could well be your finest hour!"

    Ivan was displaying an uncharacteristic interest in battle. Then again, he had shown nothing but an unbending determination to slay his nephew from the beginning our acquaintance on. It wouldn''t even get him much closer to being king if his sisters had made peace. It seemed trying to steal his body all those years ago had left a distinct impression on our resident Richard the Third.

    "We had a plan," Francine interrupted, clearly not happy with the way this conversation had gotten away from her. "A good one. I''ve used almost all my attribute points to up my WIS score. Believe me, if there was a way to destroy the Wind Dragon with our current resources, I would have noticed one."

    "That may have been the wrong stat to increase," Bloodstorm replied. "Aaron is dirt stupid about WIS wise but always comes up with cunning plans."

    "Yes, he''s our resident Baldrick," Jon said.

    "I am absolutely the Blackadder," I muttered. "You''re Baldrick."

    Jon somehow looked horrified despite having an owl''s face.

    "We can focus on whether or not to try to help you fight the dragon after your injuries are taken care of," Joan said. "I''m going to lower the barrier now. I assume everyone is going to act like an adult once I do. Okay?"

    Oh Joan. Even I knew that wasn''t going to happen.

    No sooner than the magical barrier went down than Jorg proceeded to charge at Thistle, pushing past me and Ania. Unfortunately, for him, Ania seemed to have prepared for this and proceeded to lasso him with a shadowy tendril around his neck. It was a reminder she had magic of her own, even if it was less on the flashy side than mine or Agata''s. Ania pulled back with both hands on her shadow tendril and hurled him back at Francine''s feet.

    "Your best friend needs to work on his manners," I said.

    "You''re traveling with the man who murdered his father," Francine said, defending him.

    "Yeah, I could bring up the company you''re keeping said," I replied. "Remember, we''ve both read the books. You know what Jorg and Barghest both have done."

    Barghest muttered under his breath. "Those fucking books again."

    "Clearly, we aren''t going to be able to work together on this," I said. "So, I suggest we table any plans on taking on the Wind Demon together. My goal is to save the Southern Kingdoms from the God of Evil. Everything else is secondary. If you can''t keep your people under control then that doesn''t help me in that."

    "Who put you in charge, Bartkowski?" Francine asked.

    "I did," Ania said. "You left me behind to join a fake Dragon Queen."

    Francine looked to one side. "I had a higher calling."

    "Higher than saving the world?" Ania asked. "Which I have been trying to do this entire time."

    Yeah, that made no sense. Either way, there clearly a lot of leftover emotions we were having to deal with from both past cycles as well as the book''s contents. "Do you even remember that, Ania?"

    "I remember enough," Ania said.

    "You were under Weis'' spell, Ania," Francine said. "You didn''t understand why we had to work with Jorg or other decisions I made. You didn''t have an awareness of what was really going. Neither did Agata. I had to abandon you both before you abandoned me."

    "I remember none of this," Agata said.

    "Someone lowered her companion approval score," Jon said. "Tsk, tsk, tsk."

    Welcome to why no sane man would ever want to be king, Perun said. Even in the face of universal annihilation, everyone wants to settle old scores.

    "Hey, Francine," Jon interrupted. "What is the likelihood of the Wind Demon, Cezary or not, being able to follow you all here?"

    "Nonexistent," Francine said, sighing. "The reason we were able to escape was because the monster is bound to the tunnels beneath La Tene. However, the tunnels themselves are made of magically reinforced stone that it can''t smash through. I planned to wound him, retreat, and repeat until he was gone. Unfortunately, he proved stronger than expected and took out our healer."

    Jon wasn''t looking at her. "Not to question your supposedly high WIS, Women''s Bodybuilding Paladin Division Champion, but did it occur to you that an elemental evil might have shape-changing powers?"

    I followed Jon''s gaze and saw a swirling black smoke was moving through the tunnels that Francine and the others had come out of before taking a decidedly solid dragon-like shape before us. The creature was about thirty-feet tall and almost as wide with four tendrils coming up from the body starting to emerge from the smoke.

    "Which way is the exit!" I commanded, wishing we could take the portal back.

    "Attack, Macduff and a curse on either of us if we give in!" Ivan screamed, gesturing to the smoke monster before his cannon began firing on its own. Blasts of green eldritch energy poured from the barrel and sailed into the smoke.

    The fully manifested creature that was still as much smoke as monster had four dragonheads on long necks, one of them hanging uselessly down over its torso, mute testimony to the effectiveness of Francine''s group in her attempt to slay one of the Old Gods. It had eight pairs of hands growing out of its sides and all of them looked weirdly delicate, like a lady''s, and reminded me that Zorya Nightbringer was the goddess of magic. These looked more like someone had grafted her arms to him Frankenstein style, though, than a sign Cezary carried some of her natural power.

    The rest of its body was a blue scale covered abomination that had horrific tumors growing across its flesh as well as faces that lacked the dignified beauty of true dragons but were a twisted mix of human with gila monster. The Fire Demon had been more powerful than Chernabog but this creature, combining Prince Cezary with the Dawnbringer''s corruption, seemed to dwarf them both.

    A wave of nausea passed over me as I got to understand what ''divine senses'' meant for the first time. This creature was an embodiment of the horrific magic that had ravaged the trolls back in the portal station. However, while they were small fires burning with the corruption of the Twisted Ones, dealing with it as best they could, the Wind Demon was a nuclear reactor. Belobog had been turned into a discount Lovecraftian horror, but Cezary was the real deal.

    Francine turned around to charge her with Jorg at her side, ignoring my request to provide us directions. Barghest looked at me, no, Agata, for a second before shaking his head then joining his companions in their futile attack.

    "Should I heal them or put up a protection spell?" Joan asked, shocked at the creature''s sudden appearance. There was a desperation in her voice and never was I more aware that she was a child on a battlefield.

    I had to make a harsh choice. "The latter!"

    Joan began singing a prayer to Mythras and twirling her staff''s end in a circular pattern. Rachel, noticably, stood by our side and repeated the words with Zorya replacing Mythas. Agata repeated her own prayer. Seconds later, the Wind Demon breathed two massive columns of black Stygian lightning down on us before it was absorbed by the barrier the three had conjured.

    The third living head of the Wind Demon breathed down another column at Francine''s group. Francine conjured her own, smaller barrier that protected her, Barghest, and Jorg. It didn''t do much for her remaining knights, who didn''t even get a chance to scream before their bodies disintegrated into white powder.

    "I don''t suppose you can banish this one, can you?" I asked, lifting my lightning sword and aiming it at the Wind Dragon. I really hoped I didn''t have another divine mishap while attempting to use it.

    Sadly, I''d already used PERUN''S DIVINE LIGHTNING today. That might have been my only spell that could have hurt this thing.

    "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak," Joan said.

    "You must live, Lord Aaron," Thistle said, running up behind me and elbowing me across the face.

    "What the fuck, Thistle!" I said, wondering why she¡¯d bumrushed me.

    That was when I saw she''d grabbed Perun''s sword and restored her wings. Thistle proceeded then to fly straight at one of the heads and threw herself down its gullet in a suicide dive. One of its heads proceeded to explode from the inside.

    There was a ping on my bracelet.

    PARTY MEMBER THISTLE HAS BEEN KILLED

    I didn''t know how to feel about that.

    Everyone else prepared for an epic battle even as I saw the wind dragon''s remaining two heads focused on Ivan of all people.

    Its mouths dripped venom, and its eyes stared with an insane but very personal fury. "CEZZZZZZARY!"

    It smashed passed Francine and Jorg like they weren''t even present, crushing Barghest as he attempted to heroically sacrifice himself like Thistle but only met his end under ten thousand pounds of monster. It was a meaningless death for a well-loved character.

    No, a person.

    "Kill it, dammit!" Ivan shouted, continuing his firing of his cannon to little effect.

    "DISPEL MAGIC! DISPEL MAGIC! DISPEL MAGIC!" The Wind Demon said, lifting three pairs of its arms and causing the shield around us to vanish. Its divine power overwhelming even Rachel''s spell. It then focused its mouths on us for another dragon breath assault.

    That was when Rachel pointed at each of us in rapid succession and shouted, "TELEPORT WITHOUT ERROR!"

    Everything went white.

 Book Two - Chapter Thirty-Six - Queens and Rooks

    Teleporting was something I''d experienced before with the Fast Travel system, but this was a lot more violent, confusing, and nausea-inducing than the one done by the bracelet. Which, given how that made me feel, resulted in him landing on the ground with a thud. I was lucky I didn''t throw up, but it was just barely.

    The group, or what remained of it, was inside a long ornate marble hallway. The walls were covered in portraits of heroic battles of civilized elves versus barbarian human hordes. There were also busts and statues of stately Roman-like Senators with pointed ears as well as fangs. Oh, and potted plants. Really, this didn''t look like the kind of tree-based anarchist paradise that elves normally had and felt far more human than elf.

    Jon, still in totally-not-an-owlbear form, was the first up. "Rachel, I could kiss you! I mean, I have no mouth, so you''ll have to settle for your dad."

    I really wasn''t in the mood but didn''t bother to correct him.

    "You''re welcome, Mr. Owlsine." Rachel looked proud of herself before frowning then leaning down to Francine and whispering (which I heard thanks to my new divine senses). "Just to be 100% sure, humans don''t fuck their parents if they''re not evil, right?"

    "No, Rachel," Francine said.

    "Even if they''re gods and really, really hot," Rachel said, scrunching her brow as if pondering something difficult.

    "No, Rachel," Francine said, a mixture of disgust and confusion on her face.

    Rachel made finger guns. "Right, gotcha."

    Okay, I needed a lobotomy.

    Or two.

    "Okay, now it''s not funny," Jon said, pausing. "Okay, it''s a little funny."

    "Will you shut up!" Jorg said, climbing to his feet. "Good men are dead. Barghest, Ser Argyle, Ser Lindon, and--"

    "They''re dead because you charged the evil dragon god," Agata said, staring in undisguised loathing. "Barghest deserved better than to die as a footnote in your idiocy."

    Jorg seemed taken aback by her verbal attack.

    "Yeah," Jon said, climbing to his, well, paws. "Everyone was waiting for him to kill his brother in Barghestbowl."

    "We slew the Black Storm," Francine said, referring to Barghest''s brother AKA the Even More Evil Wolf Lord. She climbed to her feet and steadied herself against the hallway wall. "That was how I convinced Barghest to follow me."

    "Ah, at least you did his loyalty quest," Jon said, nodding.

    Joan started finally healing Francine and Jorg''s wounds. Agata did nothing to treat either of them, staring at them in disgust.

    "Where the hell are we?" Bloodstorm asked, looking annoyed at Agata then ashamed. I imagined he was going through confused emotions himself.

    "The Royal Palace of La Tene," Ania said, looking around. "It''s been restored, though. Even in Thistle''s childhood, it was just a museum."

    "I wondered why it looked like my dad''s summer house," Bloodstorm said, looking at a bust of Maelor.

    "We were so damn close," Ivan muttered under his breath, cursing. "With a proper plan, better coordination, and a bit of luck, we could have killed it."

    I stared daggers at the prince.

    "We have plenty of luck," Jon said. "All of it bad, except for god forker and General Failure here. Those two always come out on top."

    I assumed Jon was referring to me and Francine. Still nauseous, I opened one of the side doors and was pleased to note that it was a lilac-smelling bathroom. That was when I managed to crawl my way to the privy and throw up. Even after I finished, I needed a few minutes to steady myself.

    What had I done?

    Survived, Perun said. Sometimes that''s all you can ask of in a battle.

    I didn''t respond

    "Aaron, are you okay?" Ania asked, walking over to me and putting her hand on my shoulder.

    "Someone just died for me," I said, looking up. Not even a REFRESH spell would help me now. The problem wasn''t with my body but my brain. "I''m trying to process that."

    "Thistle," Ania said.

    "Yeah," I said.

    Ania frowned as if trying to figure out how sympathetic to my plight she should be. If I had terrible WIS, Ania had her own dump stat. Childhood trauma and terrorist organization indoctrination did not a high CHR score make. "Someone who robbed and tried to kill you."

    "Yeah," I replied. "That doesn''t help. I know you have your own mixed feelings--"

    Ania looked down at me. "They haven''t been mixed in a long time, Aaron. Least of all after she hurt you. When I was seventeen, I was desperately in love with Thistle. I thought she was a woman who was strong, beautiful, and could give me the revenge I needed. I wanted to kill so many people and I did. Thistle promised me the world."

    I didn''t respond, this wasn''t my story. "As I recall, you got a lot of your revenge."

    "Some of it, yeah," Ania said. "I still have names on my list like the Mad Queen and Jorg. Both people I hate but I''ve tried to pull back from. Not because I don''t think they deserve to die, they do, but because this is bigger than all of us. Thistle never knew anything bigger than the cause and the person you knew wasn''t the one I knew. That person died a long time ago and only with some distance did I understand that she used me. Used my feelings for me. Used and discarded many other girls like me. She was a cult leader."

    If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.

    "Right," I said.

    Ania looked up. "I don''t know if you were mind controlling her or you really did rewire her brain with your blood. Maybe the Nighbringer''s curse really did fundamentally alter who she was. That wasn''t the case with the other members of our group, though. Thistle sent one of her children out to die to kill the Grand Priest of Dazhbog. She took advantage of me too and I didn''t know it until I had enough space to realize it. She was going to do the same to you, did do the same to you, and you need space to process it as well."

    "And now she''s dead and I may have been mind controlling her into doing it," I said. "I don''t know how to deal with that. Where''s the line between being a person willing to die for a cause and a fanatic who doesn''t value their own life? Where is the line between a person who sends another person to die and accepting responsibility for those under you? I''m sorry, I''m not used to this."

    It was weird but I also felt guilty about the fact that, well, things were a lot simpler with Thistle dead. I''d offered her a chance at redemption, but it had caused immense tensions i the group and probably made our meeting with Francine''s group the utter disaster it had turned out to be. It may have meant any dealings with Rhoeas would be a complete clusterfuck. Certainly, my group hated her and felt I was an idiot for letting her among us. Now that was resolved, and it was a relief. Which is not how a leader should feel when one of their group was dead.

    "No one should be used to losing their companions. Not even ones that should never have been their companions. The bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood formed by combat are not easily broken. It can get under your skin in ways you''d never expect," Ania said, sighing. "I''ll be honest, I wasn''t expecting to survive this war. I was expecting to die fighting Veles. This is...the first time I''ve started to think about what I would do if I survived. Before, I was just throwing myself in the jaws of death because I wanted to die heroically. You showed me there was another way."

    I looked at her. "So, you''re telling me she committed suicide by dragon? Because she knew there was no other way to redemption?"

    Ania grimaced, having clearly not intended to lead me down that road. "One good act doesn''t get rid of a lifetime of evil. I don''t care what your Darth Vader did and for who. It did save our lives, though. Maybe it will be comforting for her surviving children or consorts but they''re as broken and damaged as I am."

    Wow, I''d gotten Ania to try to make Star Wars references. I''d really pushed her to her limit.

    I frowned and stood up. "Sorry, I''ll get myself together."

    I was surprised to note the sink had soap, running water, and mouthwash. It seemed Epic Dungeoneering had far more influence than I''d give it credit for. I wondered if I could get that installed in Dragon Keep.

    That''ll be another ten thousand gold, Perun said. It is better to spend it on things other than clock towers and magical academies for a mostly illiterate populace.

    I rolled my eyes. I''ll put elementary school on the gentrification list.

    Ugh, Perun said. Education just convinces the peasants they are people.

    That was sarcasm, right?

    Yes, Aaron. I''m like one of eight gods that doesn''t think humans are inferior beings. Just squishier. Mokosh and Svarog are two of the others. The others are Vishnu, Coyote, Odin, Thor, and that Carpenter Kid. Don''t ask about my daughters or Mythras/Dazhbog. Belobog is a squid monster now so I''m not sure how to rank him. Buddhist immortals don''t count because they don''t believe in individuality.

    I feel like you''re being unfair to the Morrigan, Anansi, Marduk, and the Japanese pantheon but I''m not in the mood for a religious discussion, I muttered, walking out into the hall where everyone had mostly recovered. Well, no one had killed anyone else and that was a sign of progress.

    I am Marduk, Perun said. Well, somedays. I was also Enil. It''s complicated. Let''s just say my people went from Africa to India to Western Europe and then to Poland before landing in Ledziania. We''d need charts, string, Post-it notes, and pins to explain it all.

    No thank you, I replied. "Guys, I''m alright. You didn''t have to worry about me."

    "We weren''t," Jorg said.

    "Yeah, you can do us all a favor and not spend any more time on Osama Bin Keebler, the Blood Rapist Arwen, Santa''s Little Terrorist, The--" Jon said, having once more assumed a raven''s position and sitting on a bust of Maelor of all people.

    "I get it," I said.

    "That''s your problem, Aaron," Jon said. "You just care too much. Stop with the Linkin Park sad boy business and focus on something else."

    I stared at Jon. "You know I''m really not inclined to make you a dragon now."

    "Oh, I drank that potion an hour ago," Jon said. "It was just sitting in your backpack and owlsine paws are surprisingly versatile."

    ¡°Huh,¡± I said.

    ¡°Hasn¡¯t kicked in yet,¡± Jon said. ¡°Anyway, I¡¯m not sorry Thistle is dead. She tried to kill you but I¡¯m sorry you¡¯re sorry.¡±

    "Nothing was lost," Jorg said, growling. ¡°The world is better off without her.¡±

    "Everyone should have someone to mourn them when they die, Jorg," I said, looking at him sadly. "That includes you."

    Jorg rolled his eyes. "Please dispense with the ridiculous overly emotional bullshit, Champion. No one cares if you''re a saint here. So, we don''t need you performing. I get enough of that from Francine.¡±

    "I''m not a saint nor is this a performance," I said. "No one gets a reward for trying to be the good guy here. That doesn''t mean I can''t try to show some basic human sympathy."

    I heard a pinging noise despite my bracelet no longer mattering.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Good, Bad, I''m the Guy with the Sword

    (A) 50 - Achieve maximum level in any of the three Alignments

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Roleplaying Master

    (A) 25 - Achieve maximum level in any of the Alignment Paths

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - The Neutral Goodliest

    (A) 25 - Achieve maximum rank in The Path of Understanding for a Grey Alignment

    + You have unlocked Alignment-based magic [Grey]

    + You receive a +2 to all Diplomacy checks [Path of Understanding]

    + You may now use Grey-based alignment weapons

    + You are now immune to Alignment-affecting magic and artifacts

    "Goddammit," I muttered, lowering my head. I had no idea what an Alignment Path was and thought this was all in exceptionally poor taste.

    Congratulations, Aragorn, Perun said. You are one of only three champions to get any of the alignment-based achievements. Francine got Lawful Good a few years ago and Valentin got Chaotic Evil before he turned to Veles. Jon was in inches of becoming a Chaotic Neutral paragon, but he''d occasionally throw off the points by doing something noble or heroic.

    I say this as a die-hard Dungeons and Dragons fan, I replied, humiliated by this entire ordeal and appalled at being rewarded for how I acted to my conscience. But alignment is fucking stupid and a gross simplification of how people work.

    Good and evil are about as real as the Easter Bunny and I know Ushter, Aaron, Perun said. But just because they''re made up doesn''t mean they''re not important. It''s just everyone draws their lines differently. Might as well draw them in nine slices in three categories. I can''t help if you make a better Jedi than a Dark Undermaster.

    I looked at Ivan. "Yeah, guys, I think we need to discuss strategy."

    Seriously, Horus is a protector of humanity like Mythras but they''re both enormous cocks, Perun said.

    "I would love to discuss strategy," I said. "So, just so we''re clear, both the queens are here and are probably descending on us with a bunch of guards?"

    "It''s alright," Francine said. "Everyone is on the same page now."

    "I sincerely doubt that," I said, grabbing Ivan and dragging him into the bathroom.

    I had 50-50 odds on Ania shooting the Mad Queen on the face the moment she showed up. That wasn''t something to worry about right now because there was one of the Old Gods in the sewer below and a much closer threat to deal with.

    "I hope this isn''t a sex thing," Ivan said. "I''m sorry but I''m strictly a meat eater."

    "Is meat eating meant to be straight for both sexes?" I asked. "I think the vegetarian platter for all women loving and all meat for men. If you like both, you''re an omnivore."

    Ivan paused. "Okay, now that I think about it actually makes sense. Okay, I''d like to clarify I only like wom--"

    "ENTANGLE," I said, causing a bunch of spiritual vines to wrap around Ivan. "WEB."

    Ivan was suspended against the back of the wall and then doubled over in the bindings.

    "This is very rude," Ivan said, pausing.

    "Sure, it is, Prince Cezary," I said.

    Ivan grimaced. "About that..."

 Book Two - Chapter Thirty-Seven - The Ship of Theseus

    "How did you figure it out?" Ivan asked.

    "That''s not really relevant now, is it?" I asked, staring at him and wondering how close we''d all come to being murdered in our sleep.

    Prince Cezary von Piast-Jagiellon was a serial killer and pretty much the embodiment of Larry C.C. Weis'' ''pitch black characters to contrast the gray.'' Cezary may have been a child, but he was closer to Damien Thorne than a schoolyard bully.

    "It is to me," Ivan said, dryly. "Also, no offense, Aaron but you''re not someone who is particularly intimidating. It''s like being threatened by a house cat."

    "A house cat is a terrifying dragon to a mouse," I said, thinking of The Secret of NIMH.

    "I''m not a--" Ivan started to speak.

    I conjured a ball of arcane fire under his face.

    "I am not in the mood," I said, coldly.

    Ivan blinked. "Alright then. Please still indulge me."

    I sighed. "First of all, you were last spotted in the books being sent to the Dark Undermasters. Everyone assumed that Weis was going to write you as being part of Garland''s resurrection¡¯s plot. Instead, I find you wandering around with a bunch of magical items and alchemical training you never had."

    "That''s because I spent the past decade in the Grand Duchy," Ivan said. "They have airships, you know."

    "Next, you have the behavior of an extensive interest in toys and miniatures," I said. "Ivan was a whoremonger and drunkard but you never displayed any sign of interest in women beyond their tactical usage as well as haven''t touched a drop."

    "Maybe I showed self-improvement," Ivan pointed out.

    "Third, you keep quoting Shakespeare, but Shakespeare isn''t in this land even if you made up a story about him coming to Ledziania," I said. "A demigod, however, might have association with that kind of material. Especially one who is working with Epic DungeoneeringTM or has access to otherworldly knowledge."

    "This is all very thin," Ivan said. annoyed.

    "Which brings us to the fact you all but confessed when you talked about the fact that people who possess other bodies or shapeshift into perfect replicas are gradually transformed into the person they came to be," I said. "Which I thought was less about the Dragon Queen and more a disguised confession. Especially since you mentioned, without prompting, that Cezary attempted to steal Ivan''s body."

    Ivan blinked. "Okay, I''m going to give you that one. It was suspicious."

    "Finally, the Wind Demon went after you directly and called you Cezary," I replied. "It certainly wouldn''t be shouting its own name."

    "I feel like you could have started with the last two," Ivan replied. It was hard to think of him as Cezary and my brain just kept referring to him by his false name. "However, I point out that you are lacking some important context."

    "Like?" I asked.

    "The fact that Prince Cezary was a boy monster, the son of Veles, and a killer of women," Ivan said. "Whereas I have been doing nothing but attempting to save the world since you''ve met me."

    "Mostly, you''ve tried to steal the throne by convincing us to help kill your nephew, which I assume is the original Ivan," I replied. "Also, this is getting very confusing, terminology wise. I''m going to refer to you as Cezary from now on."

    "Please don''t," Ivan said. "I buried that identity long ago. My road to this place is a long and twisted one."

    I nodded. "That was what I was interested in finding out before I killed you."

    "Telling me that seems counterintuitive," Ivan said. "Especially since my brother¡ª"

    "Uncle," I pointed out.

    "Uncle is outside," Ivan said.

    "I wonder how he''d react to his nephew stealing his beloved brother''s body since he already was on a quest to kill the monster, he thinks his nephew has become," I replied.

    Ivan seemed to consider that. "Also, he''d be more inclined to believe you over me, I suspect. You are frighteningly persuasive for someone who acts like the handsome young monk a shepherdess lures away."

    "What now?" I asked, confused.

    "I do a lot of reading," Ivan said. "Not all of it tasteful."

    I didn''t want to execute him, but I didn''t see much of a point. Mercy hadn''t done me much good recently and he''d lied repeatedly to us already. Furthermore, that giant demon dragon down below the city was a direct result of his actions. Still, I found myself stupidly wanting to hear what he has to say. "Give me the truth and you may walk out of this alive."

    "Really?" Ivan asked. "Like I said, a house cat."

    I narrowed my eyes. "Radu probably thought that."

    Ivan paused. "Fair point. Very well, are you familiar with the Ship of Theseus paradox?"

    "I''m confused as to how you are but yes," I said. "Athens used to have a tourist attraction thousands of years ago. They had the ship of the Argonauts that people would pay a coin to visit. Plato pointed out that, being made of wood, it suffered weather damage and had to have parts replaced routinely. Eventually, the entire thing was brand new, and he questioned whether it was the Ship of Theseus still."

    Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.

    "Yes," Ivan said.

    "The answer being no," I replied.

    Ivan frowned. "It''s a bit more complicated than that. After all--"

    "Once you replace everything, it''s not the same ship," I replied, having always wondered why philosophers come up with such stupid shit. "Mind you, it''s completely irrelevant because Theseus never existed. I think. I¡¯m going to have to ask Perun about that. Did Theseus exist?"

    Yes, Perun said. However, that wasn''t his boat.

    "Well, you replace your body''s cells every seven to ten years but maybe this isn''t the best way to approach it," Ivan said, sighing. "Your mind is atypical so I will just relate the literal statement of what happened versus trying to use metaphor."

    "That''d be appreciated," I said, wondering if he was trying to wait out the ENTANGLE and WEB spells.

    Ivan paused. "I do not consider myself to be Cezary or Ivan but a combination of both. Cezary''s magic was designed to replace my, Ivan''s, mind with his own when I was married to Agata Rose. He was jealous and already chafing under his mother''s command. The spell didn''t work, though, because his command of sorcery was incomplete and Ivan, the Old Ivan, was strong willed. At least at first."

    "At first?" I asked, looking at him for some sign of duplicity. I had no luck because my emotional intelligence, the basis of WIS, was still shit. It was average but think how terrible the average person is at understanding other people.

    "It was more a delayed reaction than a complete failure," Ivan said, looking to one side. "Gradually, the two of our minds became entwined. By the time I arrived at Dragon Keep, I found the town of Crossroad was under attack by Veles'' forces and being defended by Garland. Except, it wasn''t Garland. The presence of Cezary in my mind allowed me to see through the illusion and enchantments laid by the Wise Man to see someone else."

    "Valentin," I said, guessing this was the first cycle of the fifteen that existed in Ledziania¡¯s recent history. "That makes sense, really. A full party would consist of at least three and Ania is the only one there for the later cycles during the tutorial."

    "I have no idea what that means," Ivan said. "I fled from the area in terror and struggled with the merging of our personalities. In the end, I found another Garland who was a woman this time and she ended up killed trying to avenge a group of farmers that had slain a giant''s child."

    "Becky," I said, remembering Jon''s raven that we hadn''t run into yet.

    "Yes," Ivan said, looking over at his webbed-up wrist. "I liked her, and she had much compassion. Maybe I even fell a little in love with her she died before I could express that or ruin it with some ungentlemanly action. I took her mark of the champion and that...changed everything."

    "Bullshit," I said.

    Ivan shook his head, which was barely possible in his current state. "No, Perun''s presence nullified the influence of Veles on my soul. The reason for Prince Cezary''s dark psychopathia. I went from being a bad seed that was compelled to kill by my diabolical father to being an ordinary boy, in a man''s body admittedly, but true. Furthermore, it gave me the opportunity to ''level up'' and I exploited that."

    "What do you mean?" I asked.

    Ivan/Cezary wasn''t exactly helping his case despite how good of a yarn he was spinning. Things like ''ungentlemanly behavior'' reminded me of just what sort of a scumbag he was in the books. There was a reason the entirety of the internet had cheered when he died on the TV show.

    "Tell me, what is your WIS score now?" Ivan asked. "I understand it started low."

    "Not that it''s any of your business but it started at 7," I said.

    "Prince Cezary, me, started at 3," Ivan said. "I had no impulse control. Which combined with the power befitting a royal prince and the magic running through my veins was a deadly combination. However, with the mark of the champion, I was able to continually raise my WIS. In effect, I was receiving treatment for insanity."

    I was sure he was tailoring his story to his audience: me. "Uh huh. Raising my WIS score didn''t change me. It just made better at things."

    Ivan looked annoyed. "Either way, I felt very different about myself and struggled with my own identity. I felt, if not guilt, then a revulsion at my previous behavior for its crass boorishness. I managed to make my way to the Grand Duchy and spent the next ten years there. I studied science and sorcery both despite losing most of my previous abilities as Veles'' son. That is where Epic DungeoneeringTM has their trading post, and I came acquainted with reading material from your world. Works like those of the Bard."

    "Oh, dear god," I muttered, not impressed with his reading choices.

    "But my education and quest for self-enlightenment ended when Prince Cezary, or what he''d become, marched the armies of the Mad Queen and Empire into the Grand Duchy," Ivan said. "I could no longer ignore the consequences of my actions."

    Despite myself, I found myself enthralled by his story. "So, just so we''re clear, the real Ivan was walking around in your body this entire time pretending to be you?"

    "I can only guess my uncle experienced much the same as me," Ivan said. "To make a long story short--"

    "Too late," I said, quoting Clue.

    "He found me and chased me out of the city," Ivan said. "Did I mention he was a dragon now? He was a dragon now. My uncle burned every friend I made in the Grand Duchy and everything I had built for myself. I fled to the Dragon Queen''s home and there found myself--"

    "You knew," I said, making a leap of logic. "You knew she wasn''t the real Celestyne."

    "I had no way of knowing--"

    "Ivan knew his sister," I said. "Cezary may have never known her but he would have figured out she was an imposter."

    Okay, I was just taking a wild stab at the dark but I had a bad feeling I''d been played for a sucker this entire time. Somehow Ivan had ended up with Thistle and Joan in Radu''s castle.

    Ivan sighed. "Yes. I ,made a deal with her and she, the False Dragon Queen, bound the Wind Dragon here before sending me to meet with Joan and Thistle."

    This was getting very complicated. "And she bound all of the Wind Demon''s essence into him."

    "Yes," Ivan said.

    "That is a bunch of shit," I said, shaking my head. "But I give props for the story. Unfortunately, I know that you are a bard and they''re the class of spinning lies to--"

    He''s telling the truth, Perun said. At least as he perceives it.

    Goddammit, I thought. He''s still a mass murderer.

    There''s a lot going around, Perun said. Far be it for me to tell you how to dictate your party--

    But you''re going to, I said.

    Fair enough, Perun said. But he might be useful to defeating the Wind Demon. Also, he''s another individual who has been affected by magic. Maybe the Cezary that previously existed no longer exists. Maybe this is someone new.

    We''re a little late in the game to be arguing that it''s a new form of life ala Star Trek, I said.

    Are you resistant because you fucked up with Thistle or are you resistant because you know your party would hate you for it, Perun said.

    I''m resistant because Agata was brutalized by this man, he lied to us, and he created the monster below, I replied.

    But do you have it in you to execute a prisoner, Mr. Neutral Good? Perun asked. There''s a big difference between killing a man in combat and--

    I put my palm on Ivan''s face and said, "ARCANE FIRE."

    It was effectively like a gunshot at close range.

    PARTY MEMBER IVAN CROOBACK HAS BEEN KILLED.

    LOYALTY MISSION: PRINCE CEZARY''S REDEMPTION

    I stared at the corpse of a person that I had considered a friend.

    Huh, Perun said. I did not see that coming.

    I turned around to see both the Bastard Knight Jorg and Agata Rose standing at the doorway to the bathroom.

    "How long?" I asked.

    "Long enough," Agata said.

    "I heard everything," Jorg said. "You have done a great service to the House of Piast-Jagellion, but I doubt my sister will see it that way."

    "I don''t give a damn what your sister thinks," I replied, simply. "Agata, are you--"

    "He was a friend, my husband," Agata said. "This was not he, though. The monster down below is and is probably beyond salvation."

    I had no response to that.

    Ania looked over her sister''s shoulder. "It''s time to speak with the queens."

    "One thing first," I said.

 Book 2 - Chapter Thirty-Eight Redemption is not real

    ¡°REVIVE,¡± I said, calmly, enacting the next part of my plan.

    Agata, Jorg, and Ania looked on in shock as the destroyed skull of Ivan slowly pieced it back together before the light returned to his eyes. Technically, it was only time that mattered between REVIVE and RESURRECTION, but it was still stunning to realize I had the ability to resuscitate someone from death. This went a bit beyond a crash cart.

    "What the ever-loving fuck, man?" Ivan asked, staring at me with shock in his eyes. His head was once more restored with a large scar on the back of it, I could see the mark as he bobbed his head up and down.

    "I was establishing some ground rules," I said, probably more threatening for the fact I didn''t change my tone.

    "Allow me to establish some ground rules by killing him," Jorg said, pulling out his sword.

    Ania held his arm and looked like she wasn''t sure whether she wanted to kill Jorg, Ivan, or both in that moment.

    "You fucking killed me!" Ivan snapped, losing all his earlier Shakespearean composure.

    "Yes," I replied.

    "You are bringing back a monster, Aaron," Agata said.

    "Yes, probably," I said, looking down at the fallen Prince of Ledziania. "However, I think I made my point."

    "The Wind Demon contains Ivan''s soul," I said, sighing. "The original Ivan. Goddammit, I''m just calling you Not-Ivan."

    "I told you--" Not-Ivan started to say,

    "Shut it," I replied. "You can''t run away from any of this anymore. There''s a bond between the two of you, the Real Ivan and Not-Ivan, if such a distinction exists. You''re still getting memories and emotions between the two of you. That means it might be possible to reverse what was done."

    "What''s been done has happened over the past ten years," Not-Ivan hissed.

    "Which no one noticed," I said.

    Jorg paused. "We noticed. I thought my nephew had gotten over his insanity. Instead, it was my brother plotting to gain the throne. He clearly thought he could fool us all by pretending to be the queen¡¯s son.¡±

    That was another thing that didn¡¯t make sense. Prince Ivan from the books would have freaked the fuck out if he found himself in his nephew¡¯s body. Mind you, if he was nearly the monster that everyone had treated him like, he would have polished off the Mad Queen and become king just like he¡¯d always wanted. Something had stayed his hand, be it sentimentality, desire to avoid being a kinslayer, or the realization he¡¯d inherit everything anyway.

    ¡°Which this one was doing,¡± I said. ¡°That¡¯s my point. I think there¡¯s no Cezary and Ivan anymore but just mixtures of both.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s what I¡¯ve been saying this entire time!¡± Not-Ivan snapped.

    ¡°It¡¯s why the two of them have been plotting against one another the entire time,¡± I replied. ¡°Maybe it¡¯s possible to unseparated them and rescue the real Ivan, though.¡±

    "There is no real Ivan anymore," Not-Ivan said. "That thing is not he anymore than I am Cezary."

    ¡°That is a lot of if¡¯s, Aaron,¡± Agata said. ¡°Also, I can¡¯t understand why you¡¯d execute him and bring him back here in the Royal Palace.¡±

    ¡°Because we¡¯re right next to the Mad Queen¡¯s throne room,¡± I replied. ¡°We need a hostage, captive, and prisoner all in one.¡±

    ¡°Those are all the same thing,¡± Ania asked, staring at the blood and brain on the back of the wall. ¡°Is it wrong I¡¯m a little turned on right now?¡±

    ¡°Yes!¡± Agata asked.

    "I didn''t think he could kill someone and bring them back as an intimidation tool!" Ania said, gesturing. "It''s impressive."

    ¡°What¡¯s going on in there?¡± Joan asked, walking in.

    ¡°Aaron killed Ivan, who is actually Cezary, and then brought him back from the dead!¡± Ania called back.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, what?¡± Joan asked.

    "Sorry!" Ivan said, looking at Joan. "Aaron and I are just having a discussion."

    ¡°Do a doppelganger check on Aaron!¡± Jon said, calling from the hallway. ¡°This is way too hardcore for Pwiffle boy.¡±

    Francine pushed her way into the bathroom and stared at the sight that greeted her before turning to me. "Are you insane?"

    "That seems to be a running question," I replied. "Ivan, your next few minutes of life will be determined by how you treat Agata, Ania, and Jorg."

    "There''s nothing from this thing I want other than its head," Jorg said but his voice was wavering. If for no reason, then the prospect of getting his brother back from the Wind Demon hung in front of him.

    Personally, I wasn¡¯t sure that was possible. If you poured a pitcher of orange juice into a pitcher of apple juice then poured half of the contents back into original pitcher, you couldn¡¯t separate the two again.

    And if you pour vodka in the pitchers, you have two pitchers of orange appletinis, Perun said. Which goes to show, Aaron, you are a sorority girl in a man¡¯s body.

    You didn¡¯t want me to kill Ivan, I said. Everyone else would have wanted me to. This is a compromise.

    This is deranged, Perun said, pausing. I like it.

    Not-Ivan, realizing, that he was literally going to have to rely on his gift of gab to survive, turned to the people who he''d victimized throughout the books.

    "I would like to apologize for my misdeeds, Lady Roses," Ivan said. "They were a product of Veles influence on my soul and also the unlimited power I possessed as prince. They were the embodiment of ungentlemanly behavior."

    "You had my nanny killed," Agata said, her tone acidic.

    "She was mine too," Ania said.

    "You had a knight drowned in horse piss for flirting with me," Agata said.

    "You had me whipped and said it was a pity I was ugly unlike my sister," Ania said. "Otherwise, you would have kept me as a mistress."

    "To be fair, I was ten then," Not-Ivan muttered. "I was posturing."

    "Not helping your case, man," I said.

    "We may have been a bit permissive with his behavior," Jorg muttered.

    "You think?" Ania asked, looking at Jorg.

    "Yes, all of that was very wrong," Not-Ivan said, looking to one side. His reaction was more that he was trying to explain his actions during a drunken bender than a murder spree in his childhood. "I killed and hurt a great number of other people who didn''t deserve it."

    This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.

    "Yes, which is typically punished by death," Ania said.

    "Veles'' influence was a powerful drug," Not-Ivan said. "How many innocents did you kill as a member of the Dark Moon elves?"

    Ania looked away. "That is different."

    "Yes, she''s sleeping with Aaron. I don''t think you''re his type. For example, you''re not a redhead or related to him," Jorg said, seemingly taking a moment to enjoy just how awkward this was making us all feel. He really did not like us. Me in particular.

    "Ania''s not related to me!" I snapped.

    I shouldn''t mention that the Wise Man is actually my--, Perun said.

    Don''t say a goddamn word, I said.

    Perun was silent.

    "I like Ania," I said to Cezary. "I don''t like you. You lied to me."

    "And that''s worthy of death?" Not-Ivan asked.

    "No, killing all those people in your past is," I said.

    "You pardoned Thistle too," Not-Ivan said, not helping his case.

    "Also, an attractive woman who Aaron wanted to sleep with despite not being a relative or redhead," Jorg said.

    I was really starting to hate this guy. Which was funny because he was the guy who kicked a kid in the face during the first eleven chapters.

    ¡°And looked at how that worked out," I muttered. "Even so, she was willing to die to make amends. You got us in a fight with the Wind Demon."

    "Which you wanted to kill anyway," Not-Ivan said, lowering his head and knowing that the crowd was against him.

    Is he right? I asked Perun.

    About what? I asked, feeling uncomfortable with the way this was all turning out.

    Being a hypocrite about the way I''m treating him, I replied.

    Well, if it''s any consolation, being a hypocrite isn''t worse than being a murderer, Perun said. Justice is inherently arbitrary. We condemn those we hate and pardon those we like.

    That''s an odd thing for a God of Good to say, I said.

    It assumes that the bonds between humans mattering in matters of justice aren''t important just because they''re personal, Perun said. I didn''t expect you to kill Not-Ivan, Cezary, whoever, but that doesn''t mean I don''t understand your reasoning.

    Murder is still murder, I said.

    Killing isn¡¯t murder, necessarily, Perun said. It''s going to have consequences, though. People have had their view of you changed. What are you trying to accomplish here?

    Trying to balance justice and mercy, I said.

    Ah, Perun said. You have no idea.

    "Ivan always treated me kindly in the hell your family, you personally, made for me," Agata said. "I also see so much of that Ivan within you and very little Cezary. I know how much magic can twist a person''s sanity. I''ve spent the past ten years living in a cycle of believing my husband was alive and various people wore his face. I believe you should be allowed to make amends."

    "You''ve got to be kidding me," Ania said, looking at her sister.

    "I must rise above the prejudices of the past," Agata said.

    "No you didn''t!" Ania said.

    "Aaron allayed my suspicions about his softness by exploding the back of his skull," Agata said, no small hint of satisfaction.

    "Fair point," Ania muttered.

    Francine looked at Jorg. "What do you think?"

    "He looks and acts so much like my brother," Jorg said, shaking his head. "The monster below us wasn''t Ivan either. Ivan, the real Ivan, would have recognized me. If there''s a possibility we could save him, I want to take it. That means keeping this troll alive, but I don''t trust him."

    "Trolls are actually very nice people," I said.

    "Shut up, Aaron,¡± Jorg said. "Go be the god of unwashed masses, ratkin, and pacifists."

    "That''s a really popular religion in our world!" Jon called in. "Mind you, very few people do it right and its boss is more a sheep and fish guy."

    Joan looked torn. "I feel like I should be giving some advice here but I am genuinely confused about what the right thing is here."

    "We need to make sure he doesn''t backstab us," Ania said. "That''s my thing as a rogue."

    "I have an ability from being a 20th level Paladin," Francine said, clearly having been thinking this through.

    "You''re 20th level?" I asked, impressed.

    "25th," Francine said, proudly.

    "Oh," I said, now uncomfortably aware of our level discrepancy.

    Francine pulled out her giant sword and aimed it at Not-Ivan. It didn''t fit in the bathroom, and she had to take a few steps back to hold it to his throat. "Swear your peace, Ivan, and know that it will be on your head forever."

    Not-Ivan took a deep breath. "I do not believe in the gods, I do not believe in honor, nor do I believe in the bonds of family--"

    "Really not helping your case," I said.

    "But I do believe in life," Not-Ivan said. "I swear, if you will let me, to give you whatever aid I am capable of giving to destroy the remaining Old Gods as well as cast down Veles. I am a pitiful soldier, but my knowledge of alchemy is without peer. So is my grasp of politics that none of you possess. Ser Aaron here rescued us from Radu, tried to give Thistle a second chance, and has shown himself to be a capable as well as compassionate leader. Far more than I have ever been. Therefore, I swear my fealty to him and him alone. His orders are my law. If I ever betray him or those he loves, may my life return to death. Furthermore, I renounce my claim on the throne and adopt him as my son. May he, as Garland of Nowhere or himself, rule all Ledziania."

    ¡°Wait, what?¡± I asked, stunned.

    ¡°What?¡± Jorg asked, stepping forward with his sword.

    Not-Ivan smiled. ¡°Just because I know I will never be king now doesn¡¯t mean I want my insane sister, mother, sister-mother¡ª¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m keeping that term!¡± Jon called from the back.

    ¡°¡ªon the throne,¡± Not-Ivan said. ¡°Or the imposter. I am the heir to the Mad Queen and my word is now binding before the gods.¡±

    ¡°You already made this pitch, Not-Ivan,¡± I said, sighing. ¡°I never agreed to it.¡±

    ¡°He did what?¡± Jorg asked. "He wanted to put you on the throne?"

    "That''s a dealbreaker on our marriage, Aaron," Ania said. "You''ll have to marry Agata and let her be queen. I will only tolerate being a mistress."

    Agata looked confused as to whether her sister was being serious. Which officially made this a Monty Python sketch.

    ¡°Ledziania needs a king,¡± Not-Ivan said. ¡°Believe that I think that if nothing else. Am I free to go?¡±

    I looked between everyone. ¡°No, but you¡¯re welcome to continue to join the party. Also, you said you¡¯d obey my orders. Don¡¯t piss off Agata or Ania as they have every right to kill you at any time.¡±

    Ania looked at him. ¡°I¡¯m for killing him now. He¡¯s on the list.¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s already died,¡± I pointed out.

    ¡°It doesn¡¯t count if he comes back!¡± Ania snapped.

    "You can''t make peace with your friends. You can only make peace with your enemies. That''s why it''s called making peace.¡± Yeah, I stole from the Dark Undermaster''s chief competing franchise, sue me.

    "Did you make that up?" Agata asked. "That''s actually profound."

    "Yes, yes I did," I replied.

    Francine glared at me. ¡°I don¡¯t get why you did this, Aaron."

    ¡°We need all the help we can get," I said, reaching into my pocket and taking the resurrection coin that Veles had given me. It was a 9<sup>th</sup> level spell equivalent and possibly even stronger since it was a direct gift from a god. It could raise anyone from the dead. I hadn¡¯t used it on Ivan for obvious reasons, but it occurred to me that if this was what a lesser version could do, I should start thinking about using it and using it soon.

    The ENTANGLE and WEB spells dissipated around, and Not-Ivan dropped down on the ground. ¡°May I go now?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re coming with us to see the queens,¡± I said, simply.

    ¡°Another person I have to persuade not to kill me,¡± Not-Ivan said.

    ¡°Yep,¡± I said.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED ¨C It is better to be feared than loved

    (A) 25 ¨C Complete Ivan Crookback¡¯s Loyalty Quest

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED ¨C ¡°Swear to me!¡±

    (A) 25 ¨C Win a maximum difficulty Intimidation check

    IVAN THE LESSER HAS REJOINED YOUR PARTY

    SIDEQUEST(S) COMPLETED:

    PRINCE CEZARY¡¯S REDEMPTION 1/1

    REWARDS:

    +50,000 EXP (Intimidate Prince Cezary/Ivan into obedience)

    +10,000 EXP (Learn Prince Cezary¡¯s secret)

    +15,000 EXP (Resurrect a party member after killing them)

    Level 11 to 12

    60,000/750,000 EXP

    I paused. Perun, are you the guy who comes up with these achievements and EXP? Because these are messed up.

    I told you that I get power from acts of heroism and things that are remembered, Perun said. If anyone survives this ordeal, they''re going to remember you killing Cezary and raising him from the dead before telling him to get in line. People think they''re ready to die right until you confront them with reality.

    I didn¡¯t have any response to that. ¡°You okay with this, Ania?¡±

    Ania looked up at me, clearly struggling with her feelings. ¡°I promised I would do anything to stop Veles, but I was hoping that was more atrocities than forgiveness.¡±

    I patted her on the shoulder, creeped the fuck out. ¡°Good girl.¡±

    I looked to the others.

    Agata sighed. ¡°He doesn¡¯t strike me as Cezary. Whomever it was who abused me and so many others, it is not him.¡±

    Francine stared at me. ¡°You made this decision without consulting me and I think this is something you should have put before the group.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re not the boss of me, Francine,¡± I said.

    Francine¡¯s expression told me she thought otherwise.

    Jorg shrugged. ¡°My sister is probably going to kill us all. If so, that¡¯ll be a good thing. It¡¯ll save me having to kill you after I¡¯ve rescued my brother and slain Veles.¡±

    ¡°So, I take it you¡¯re not joining the party any time soon,¡± I said.

    Jorg scoffed and walked past me.

    Francine followed.

    Which just me alone with the two Rose sisters who were obviously ambivalent about my continued attempts to show mercy wherever possible. I wasn¡¯t sure I¡¯d made the right decision and it had probably been driven by the emotional rollercoaster that I¡¯d been riding the past twenty-four hours but if I could keep following Weis¡¯ advice then I wouldn¡¯t have to worry about anyone betraying me.

    But what was the likelihood that Joan would?

    Okay, now I was worried again.

    ¡°Hey, Aaron?¡± Ania asked, looking at me.

    ¡°Yeah?¡± I asked, shaken from my thoughts.

    ¡°Was it always your plan to kill him and revive him as a scare tactic?¡± Ania asked. ¡°Or were you planning to kill him to show you were hard enough to lead this group? Because we gave you so much shit over Thistle?¡±

    ¡°Or did you plan to let him go if he explained himself?¡± Agata asked, clearly hoping for a less disturbing answer.

    I just smiled and walked out of the bathroom.

 Book 2 - Chapter Thirty-Nine - Consequences

    I couldn''t help but think about five years ago.

    The location was a barn outside of Livonia, Michigan that had been converted into a concert venue for the band Demon Wiatru among several other "much too good for this locale" acts. As much as I loved heavy metal, I wasn''t much of a fan of crowds or the fact most of the people around me were drunk teenagers. Oh, and the fact the beer was twelve dollars. The fact I wasn''t here with friends, but coworkers also meant I''d sunk back into the northwest corner of the barn to avoid socializing. I was quite capable of communicating with people, usually with snark, but I didn''t much care for having to deal with multiple ones at once.

    "So, are you having a good time?" Jon Snowan, I still thought his name was Jon Snowman back then, asked.

    He was a good-looking Eurasian man with long black hair, a t-shirt that read DEATH TO PIXIES, and a pair of ripped blue jeans. He had a long black mullet, and I had to admit that even I understood the poor bastard was painfully uncool and trying to compensate for it. Unfortunately, he didn''t make nearly as much money as our bosses who could at least pretend to be the guy not shoved into lockers at high school. Still, I had to be nice to the guy because he was a senior programmer, and I was the guy who handled the transmog system on Cyber Dragons 2088 that probably wouldn''t even make it to the base game.

    "Yes, absolutely," I lied. "Francine used to take us to these kinds of venues before she vanished."

    "Who?" Jon asked, shrugging it off. "You know this barn is where the D&D killer carried out his spree?"

    I stared at him. "The media just found a dice bag and some fantasy novels at his kill site. There''s no such thing as a D&D killer."

    "You know that, and I know that but it''s still pretty cool," Jon said, having clearly a much different idea of cool than me.

    "A guy kills his girlfriend and his best friend with an ax in a barn is not my definition of cool," I muttered. "What was that guy¡¯s name? Valentino? Valorant?"

    "Doesn''t matter," Jon said. "Guy disappeared before anyone could find him. He''s probably living out in the woods like Jason Voorhees these days. We''re lucky he didn''t go on a shooting spree at his workspace. Guy was actually one of our accountants."

    "That part I hadn''t heard," I said, turning to Jon. Epic DungeoneeringTM must have hushed that up. "Wait, did they have the concert here because of the murders?"

    Some people took the occult elements of fantasy metal a bit too seriously. As a stunt, it was in poor taste.

    "Absolutely!" Jon said, drinking his beer. "The barriers between worlds are lower here."

    "Hey, Jon!" Becky Chang said, a five-foot nothing girl with straight black hair, glasses, and the kind of posture that made you think she''d developed a skill at avoiding people''s attention. I didn''t know the receptionist well but knew she''d been crushing on Jon hard.

    "Hey," Jon said, not bothering to look at her. "Listen, Bart--"

    "I go by Aaron," I replied.

    "How about after this, we hit the afterparty?" Jon asked. "They''re going to do a big Camp Crystal Lake sort of celebration at the creepy abandoned summer camp. There''s going to be skinny dipping, good booze--"

    "I brought a friend to meet you guys," Becky said. "Nightchilde."

    I didn''t know if Jon was hitting on me because my attention was diverted by Becky''s statement. "What now?"

    My attention turned to a woman in a hoodie sweatshirt covering her long star pattern kimono stage outfit and her long maroon colored hair. She had a Christina Ricci-set of large eyes that were so gray that they resembled the moon. Nightchilde was one of my favorite performers with a voice that could slip from rock like Lzzy Hale from Halestorm to symphonic metal like Elize Ryd from Amaranthe. If you didn''t know either of those, note they''re both awesome.

    "We met backstage!" Becky said. "She''s a friend of Francine''s!"

    Jon found himself momentarily star struck. He offered his hand. "Hi!"

    Nightchilde was staring at me instead. "Your blood boils with the power of the divine but it is oppressed with the banality of unfulfilled potential and the drudgery of scribe work. Come with me into the night and we will make love in the light of Earth''s moon. If you please me, perhaps I will let you worship me for far longer than just the eve."

    I paused. "Okay."

    Nightchilde took me by the hand and led me away.

    "Seriously, how the hell does he do that?" Jon asked as we walked away. "This is like how those two booth babes asked him up to their hotel room at E3."

    "They prefer to be called promotional models," Becky said. "Also, Aaron just has this thing about him. It''s why Gary Gygax and Steve Jackson invited him to their private game with Vin Diesel, Margaret Weis, and Sandahl Bernhard."

    "Wait, what?" Jon asked.

    That was the last part worth remembering before things had gotten steamy. Nightchilde had been an aggressive controlling and verbally abusive girlfriend who had, nevertheless, made me weirdly turned on when it happened. It was like she had some sort of power to make me like the insults as well as control. Suspecting that she was the Nightbringer''s human avatar, I wondered if there was perhaps a reason for that.

    Or you''re a sub, Perun said. No judgement.

    I rolled my eyes and focused on my surroundings in the present. The Palace of La Tene was a lot emptier than I expected. We more or less had the run of the place as we followed to the throne room. It wasn¡¯t completely empty, there were people cleaning and generally looking unhappy. Given most of these elves would have previously been living life in tree houses like the Ewoks, I couldn¡¯t blame them.

    The mood in my party was pretty despite the fact that we¡¯d managed to survive our encounter with the Wind Demon. The revelation that Not-Ivan was, well, not Ivan, had caused Joan considerable distress. Stress that she didn¡¯t need because she was already mourning a friend. I¡¯d forgotten that while everyone else had hated Thistle, she¡¯d been Joan¡¯s friend and mentor. I¡¯d also apparently upset people by pardoning him but not nearly as much as by my ¡®kill and raise¡¯ plan. That apparently didn¡¯t go with their image of me as a lovable house cat ranger. Indeed, the fact I could hear them whispering about it didn¡¯t help.

    "You know maybe we shouldn''t have pushed Aaron so hard on the Thistle thing," Bloodstorm muttered to Agata, probably thinking I couldn''t hear him. "After all, I like Ania becoming more like Aaron but I''m not sure Aaron becoming more like Ania is a good thing."

    Stolen novel; please report.

    "Ania would have just killed him," Agata said, clearly having her own mixed feelings on the subject. ¡°So would I.¡±

    ¡°I feel if you two agree on anything, it¡¯s probably the right decision,¡± Bloodstorm said. ¡°I thought Aaron saw something special in me when he agreed to let me on his team. Now we¡¯re apparently letting any madman and bandit join.¡±

    I grimaced, unhappy with Bloodstorm¡¯s words. He was expressing the kind of words that the Dark Undermasters had expressed about Garland before they¡¯d stabbed him to death. He¡¯d let dwarves, elves, goblins, and even ratkin join his part of the order. Jealousy had played a role in his eventual assassination but so had the belief he was changing too much about how the Dark Undermasters functioned. On the other hand, it was an organization that was supposed to be about giving people second chances. One part Monster Hunters, another part French Foreign Legion. It bothered me that Bloodstorm was starting to doubt the faith I had in him because I was trying to give other people a chance to be all that they could be.

    It''s your right, in the Army, Perun sang a little jingle. Yo Joe!

    I shook my head. Not now, Perun, or ever.

    "It''s okay, Aaron, really," Ania said, trying her best to reassure me but clearly not sure how to proceed.

    "Is it?" I asked.

    "I mean, no," Ania said. "That was insane.¡±

    I interrupted. "Sorry.¡±

    ¡°Why did you kill him and revive him?¡± Ania asked. "Seriously, I need to know."

    ¡°Intimidation check bonus,¡± I replied. ¡°I figured it would give a +4.¡±

    More like +10, Perun said. So. props on that one even if you wasted a REVIVE slot. You might regret not having one of those soon.

    The truth was that I was pretty sure that if I didn''t kill Ivan or do something similarly drastic, then the rest of the group would have killed him regardless of my actions. It was a massive fake out but I didn''t want to get into the habit of killing prisoners nor did I want people to think they could just plot against me. The moment you started making threats and not following through with them was the moment people believed they could get away with anything. I didn''t want to enforce my leadership with violence but I wasn''t sure that charm was going to cut it with so many people that weren''t on the same ''save the world by being the best person possible'' page as I was. It also bothered me that they weren''t. Ania would support me no matter what but that was because she loved me and not because she believed I had the best plan possible.

    ¡°Uh huh,¡± Ania said, skeptically. "I know you want to believe in redemption, Aaron, but I''m not sure that''s a thing."

    "That''s a depressing thought," I said.

    "Redemption is real and you deserve all the happiness, Stepmother!" Rachel said, suddenly, hugging Ania from the side and stopping our movement to the throne room.

    Ania stared as if she''d just been abducted by aliens. "What the f--"

    "I sense your devotion to the cause of war and love both!" Rachel said. "You both burn with that feeling and I have never been prouder to be part of your family. I can''t wait for you to get married and bless your wedding a hundred times over."

    Ania started to struggle in the red witch''s grip but failed miserably, becoming increasingly desperate and starting to look like a cat struggling against being snuggled. Apparently, Rachel had her mother''s strength. "Please stop."

    "I swear to defend you two and your love to the end!" Rachel said. "Because we are family and family sticks together!"

    "That won''t be necessary--" I started to say.

    RACHEL MORNING HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY

    "Oh goddammit," I muttered.

    "Aaron, help!" Ania said, still locked in a death cuddle.

    "Could you please let her go, Rachel?" I asked.

    "Yeah, he might kill you otherwise," Joan said, the bitterness in her tone significant. Apparently. I''d let her down as a parental substitute.

    I didn''t blame her for feeling that way.

    "Oh fine," Rachel said, letting Ania go.

    Ania gasped for air.

    I checked Rachel''s stats, she had all 25 and was level 25. Was she a guest party member or were we in endgame? Jesus.

    Gesundheit, Perun said.

    It doesn''t count as a prayer if I just think it, I said.

    Sure it does, Perun said. In any case, Francine''s 25<sup>th</sup> level so it makes sense for Rachel to be that high. Either way, Francine lacks the one thing necessary to be able to win against the Old Gods.

    Which is? I asked.

    The willingness to cheat, Perun said. All''s fair in love and war. Which is why Zorya Dawnbringer was always my favorite daughter.

    "Can we get back to moving?" Jorg asked, having stopped before the throne room doors. There were conspicuously no guards.

    "Come on, Jorg," Jon said. "Rachel is just expressing her incestuous love for her father and stepmother."

    "Stop that, Jon," I said, not in the mood. "She''s a guest and doesn''t deserve your shit."

    "Yeah, I''d shapeshift before I slept with either of them," Rachel said. "That way it wouldn''t be incestuous."

    Everyone stared at her.

    "That was a joke," Rachel said, blinking. "You know, because if I was an elf, I wouldn''t be biologically related to Aaron. Because--"

    ¡°We need to focus on how we¡¯re going to present this to the queens,¡± Francine said.

    ¡°Which this?¡± I asked.

    Francine waved her hands around the group. "All of this. Two of the Old Gods being dead is something that changes the balance of power in the Southern Kingdoms."

    "Yeah, that''s the idea," I said, sarcastically.

    "I didn''t bother checking on Crossroad after I left the Tutorial Area but you''ve turned it into a hardened fortress," Francine said.

    "Again, that''s the idea," I replied. "My parents are hoping to rebuild the Dark Undermasters."

    "Yeah, if we can get Papa Bartkowski to stop comparing Ania to Tawny Kitaen, then he can shape up a lot of these candidates into decent monster slayers," Jon said. "Did your dad like date her or something?"

    "No, but my mother may have," I said.

    Jon stared.

    "I said may have," I said.

    "Too late," Jon said. "The image is there. You might as well throw in Molly Ringwald and Elizabeth Shue."

    "No," I said, annoyed.

    "We also have to figure out what to say about Ivan-Cezary," Francine said, addressing the elephant or Not-Quite-the-Antichrist-But-Close in the room.

    "How about nothing?" Not-Ivan said. "That seems like the safest thing to do."

    "I have oaths to follow," Francine said. "Sworn to the Dragon Queen."

    "Who is dead. Killed by the woman you''re working for now. Besides, I don''t recall who put you in charge," I said, less than impressed with Francine so far. She seemed like a nice person but nice didn''t get you very far in this world.

    Aaron, please don''t try to go back to your black costume era, Perun said, chiding me. I love all my remaining champions and neither you nor Francine can pull off the Punisher as good as Alek.

    "I am the highest level here," Francine said. "No offense, Aaron, but you haven''t been here nearly as long as I have."

    "No offense, Francine, but you''ve accomplished jack and shit while you''re here," I said, a lot meaner than I expected.

    "And jack left town," Jon said. "What happened to your raven? They''re supposed to keep you on mission."

    "He died," Francine said. "That doesn''t matter now."

    Actually, it kind of did since it was a reminder that her party tended to have incredibly high casualties. Not that I wasn''t doing a lot to catch up these days.

    "I''ve kept the Empire from conquering the country of Ledziania," Francine said, simply. "I''ve been bleeding their forces white and working to destabilize their position back home. The goal is to eventually result in the assassination of Constantine the Black and the installation of a Ledziania favorable ruler."

    "No offense," I said, pausing. "Actually, some offense, I''m not sure turning Ledziania into Vietnam helps deal with the whole evil undead armies thing."

    "I agree with Aaron," Joan said, sounding like she felt guilty about that. "The Empire''s forces may not be the best people in the world but the thousands who have died here aren''t just pawns for your political games. I mean, yes, they''re slaving murdering assholes but...err, nevermind."

    "I mean, I hate the Empire but yes, you could have just sent me to kill the Emperor," Ania said. "Veles would have stepped aside if Aaron challenged him to a rematch at Pwiffle."

    "Also, it''s more Afghanistan than Vietnam," Jon said.

    "Not helping, guys," I replied. I wasn''t used to arguing with people, but I really had it about to here with being pushed around. "Do you even have a plan for dealing with the Wind Demon? Or is just more politicking?¡±

    ¡°We can¡¯t kill it if there¡¯s a chance to save my brother,¡± Jorg said, showing a rare moment of sympathy.

    ¡°I have a plan¡ª¡± Not-Ivan started to say.

    ¡°You shut up,¡± I said.

    "This is the real world, Aaron," Francine said, narrowing her eyes. "Sort of. Armies win wars, not plucky bands of heroes. Your cousin understood that before he went rogue. Also, tell me what exactly you think you''ve accomplished amidst all your dick and incest jokes."

    "Two dead gods are worth some dick and incest jokes," I said.

    "Yeah, the incest jokes are my thing now," Rachel said.

    Everyone looked at her.

    Again.

    "Oh, they''re not funny when I do them, huh?" Rachel said.

    Jorg knocked on the throne room doors. "Can we focus on what matters now? We''ve got to meet with royalty."

    That was when there was the sound of gunfire from within.

    Ah shit.

 Book Two - Chapter Forty - Nightchildes Behest

    I prepared to kick the door open but was beaten to the punch by Jorg who was determined to protect his sister. The doors opened to the sight of a massacre. One that made me sick to my stomach and reminded me that every time I thought Mokosh was a magical world of adventure, someone threw a curve ball that reminded me just how bloody and nasty it could be.

    The throne room was a beautiful marble dome with a large sunroof of crystal that was designed to bathe the room in natural light. Large roots from the enormous trees, saplings taken from the Eldritch Tree, grew in through and around holes in the walls. The roots formed into a single all-natural throne that had been abandoned since the overthrow of the Vampire Lords.

    That wasn''t the most noticeable thing, though. No, that was all the bodies spread across the ground, riddled with bullets. There were people I recognized like the Great Mother and her two assistant priestesses, an elvish woman who looked identical to Thistle with a crown on her head, a woman who bore a suspicious resemblance to Eva Green, and several knights mixed with well-dressed nobles. There was also a Teddy Ruxpin which, no, I could not explain.

    That''s the Wise Man''s changeling doll, Perun said. He turned it into a copy of himself to attend this meeting because he suspected something was up.

    And he didn''t think to warn anyone else? I asked.

    He might have been wrong and that would have been embarrassing, Perun said, not an ounce of humor in his voice.

    Standing in front of the massacre site were two figures. The first of them was Alek Kowalski, holding up an XM7 assault rifle with a cold-blooded look on his face. If you wanted to know what my brother-cousin (goddammit Jon, now I think of him that way) looked like then it was pretty much me with shorter hair and dressed like Michael Biehn in Terminator with a headband.

    The second figure was identical to the dead Eva Green looking woman on the ground before she lifted her hands up in the air and slowly transformed into a maroon-haired woman I recognized all too well. Well, sort of recognized as she had the same face and hair. This version of Nightchilde was as tall as the Dawnbringer and dressed in blue-white moonlight robes with skin that was the same shade.

    Nightchilde had a floppy witch''s hat on and a staff that was tipped with a piece of moon rock on the top (I remember what they looked like from visiting Epcot Center as a child). Much like the Fire Demon, the Nightbringer had an extra pair of arms that her robes accommodated. She was alien, beautiful, and terrifying at once. It certainly put to rest any questions about her identity, not that I''d had many left.

    "Murderer!" Jorg shouted, charging with his sword straight at the pair of them. I didn''t know if he planned to go after Alek or Nightchilde first but suspected it didn''t matter.

    Alek lifted his assault rifle to gun him down, only for Nightchilde to wave her hand. As a result, he was frozen in place like a statue. I noticed Ania had raised her pistol to shoot Nightchilde but her hands were shaking as if she was unable to do so then the gun forced itself to the ground. It was a disturbing sight since it implied that she couldn¡¯t'' bring her weapon against her former goddess. It reminded me of how Ania summarized her opinion of the divine, "Gods lie."

    "Hello Aaron," Nightchilde said, looking at me. "Fancy seeing you here. What are the odds."

    "About 100%, I''d wager," I said, not meeting her gaze but staring directly at the carnage around me. "Do you feel this is enough bloodshed for your girlfriend, Alek? Especially since you''re right beside the woman who killed her?"

    "No," Alek responded coldly.

    "Nightchilde, what have you done?" Francine said, staring in shock. Her voice was full of betrayal but also disappointment. Then again, she''d been fighting for the ''Dragon Queen'' this entire time.

    "I have united the Southern Kingdoms," Nightchilde said, calmly. "The Empire as well since Veles has returned to Bald Mountain and Constantine the Black is even now being stabbed to death by a dozen Senators. They do love the classics there."

    "Apparently, no one told them how that story ended for Caesar''s assassins," I muttered.

    Nightchilde smiled. "Whatever the case, Francine, events are transpiring faster than your slow and steady approach is able to keep up with them so I decided to move. We shall now have the armies needed to battle against Veles."

    I looked down at the corpses. "I sincerely doubt you''re going to be able to pull that off. Ledziania doesn''t operate on Necromonger rules. You don''t keep what you kill."

    Nightchilde swept her staff end over the corpses and they all vanished as if they had never been there. "I think you''d be surprised but the mass eradication of the leadership of the opposition will be accompanied by their replacement with more tractable individuals. Ivan, are you ready to become King of Ledziania? I can make a case for you as a dark horse candidate for Emperor as well. The Lords Centurion will look for someone they think they can control, unaware they''re controlled by me."

    Ivan coughed into his fist and looked uncomfortable. "I may have already sworn my eternal undying allegiance to Aaron and him for king."

    "Interesting," Nightchilde said. "I also note that Thistle isn''t with you, despite the fact that I explicitly sent you to retrieve her."

    Ivan paused. "Funny story, she''s now an angel sworn to Aaron. She''s also sort of dead."

    "Angels regenerate," Nightchilde said. "It just takes a while. So, that will make my crowning her queen of the elves...difficult."

    "She''d never agree to that," I replied, feeling like I''d thrown a lot of wrenches into Nightchilde''s plans without having meant to.

    I find that kind of hilarious, Perun said. She always was a scheming bitch. But usually, it was in a good way.

    Hush, father. These are matters beyond your ghost, Nightchilde spoke in my mind, confirming not only could she read my mind, but Perun''s voice wasn''t just a hallucination I was suffering from overdosing on divine energy. I wasn''t sure that was a comfort.

    If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    No one speaks in my mind but me! I snapped.

    Thankfully, both fell silent.

    At least in my head.

    "Her agreement wasn''t necessary, only her acquiescence," Nightchilde said. "As you have just demonstrated, oaths have power in Mokosh. It is the one thing that all three facets of Triglav agreed upon. It is also something that binds your Dark Undermaster fanfic waifu."

    I was curious who she meant before Ania found herself involuntarily kneeling before Nightchilde. It looked like she was being forced down by an invisible force.

    "Ania!" Agata said, shocked.

    "Let her go," I said.

    "That may be possible to negotiate, Aaron, but first I need a queen," Nightchilde said. She pointed her middle right hand at Ania, and a kind of twisted Cinderella sparkle sailed out to envelop Ania.

    The result was Ania was wearing a slingshot dress with her hair up in an elaborate style that showed her ears, something I''d not really bothered to look at even during sex. They were quite a bit longer than a human¡¯s and showed the points of an elf. She also had a tiara that made her appear like a more risqu¨¦ elvish version of Audrey Hepburn''s famous black evening gown. It was completely not her style.

    "What the hells is this?" Ania asked, looking down at the dress in horror.

    "A dress?" Jon asked. He''d turned back into his owlbear, sorry owlsine, form and was apparently ready for battle. ¡°I suppose that¡¯s your equivalent of naughty lingerie for Aaron.¡±

    Ania smacked him on the beak for that one.

    "They''ll never accept Ania as their queen," I said, horrified at Ania''s humiliation than thinking through the politics.

    "I think you''ll be surprised," Nightchilde said. "The Dark Moon Elves drove the population of the Great Forest to further extremes and eliminated the moderates, as per my design, until the majority of them were just sick of the endless conflict. Ania Rose is now a legendary hero for slaying one of the Old Gods and will be more so when she does Veles. She also slew many of the war criminals who persecuted as the elves. In many ways she is a far more acceptable queen than Roheas or Thistle ever could be. A perfect compromise candidate for a united Ledziania."

    "I...will..." Ania tried to speak before she changed her tone. She looked tense as if she was being held up by wires. "I am sworn to give up all titles for the Dark Undermasters. So, I can¡¯t be queen. There.¡±

    "Your oath to me comes first," Nighchilde said. "Foreswear the Dark Undermasters now and accept my title and I will spare Aaron."

    "Nightchilde!" Francine started to speak before she, too, was frozen.

    Which, since she was 25th level, was not good.

    She could have resisted but it was about an equal attack, Perun said. Her avatar here is about as powerful as Rachel. I wouldn''t recommend attacking her, though, since a fight between them would kill the 11th level folk here.

    "I renounce the Undermasters," Ania said, her shoulders slumping over. "For Aaron, not you."

    Nightchilde smirked and waved her hand. "I wouldn''t have hurt him anyway. So, I understand you fucked my sister and killed her, Aaron?"

    "I also fucked your mother too," I said, not remotely intimidated. "Ask me who was the best among you all."

    Everyone looked like I''d dropped a bomb in the room, which was impressive since it already was a site of a massacre.

    Nightchilde laughed. "Oh, Aaron, I''ve forgotten how much I enjoyed our banter."

    "Yeah, well, you left me for a barista," I said, furious with how she''d treated Ania but not wanting to draw attention to it. "How¡¯s that relationship doing anyway?"

    "I literally ate his soul," Nightchilde said.

    "So, basically our relationship but longer," I replied.

    Nightchilde burst out laughing. "Oh, Aaron, if only you hadn''t been a boring office drone when we''d been together. We might have returned to Ledziania together."

    "You would have turned me into your slave like you have my cousin?" I asked, looking at Alek.

    "I''m no one''s slave," Alek said. "I''ve made a deal."

    "Yes, because that worked out so well with Veles," I said, appalled at his actions. "Killing all these people isn''t going to make the Southern Kingdoms any safer."

    "I''m not concerned about making the world a safer place," Alek said. "I''m here to resurrect the Dragon Queen. The real one."

    Francine looked guilty despite not being able to move even her eyes.

    "Really?" Joan said, stepping forward. "You''ll resurrect my mom. Then I''m on your side! I swear allegiance or whatever you need."

    POPE JOAN HAS LEFT YOUR PARTY

    "Dammit," I muttered.

    "I''m sorry, Aaron, but I....family comes first," Joan said, looking guilty.

    "Which is extra funny because Aaron was going to resurrect the Dragon Queen with the coin Veles gave him anyway," Nightchilde said.

    "Wait, what?" Joan asked.

    "What?" Alek said.

    Nightchilde giggled like a schoolgirl. "Seriously, it''s hilarious. The one time he tries to play things close to the chest is the one time it might have made a serious difference."

    "Can you even bring her back?" I asked. "Why did you kill her anyway?"

    "I can," Nightchilde said, extending her hand. "With your coin."

    "No deal," I said.

    "And if I inflict unforgettable suffering on your associates?" Nightchilde said.

    "I''m prepared to let Jon suffer for the greater good," I said.

    "Huh?" Jon asked.

    "Yes, yes, your sacrifice will be honored," I said.

    "Funny," Jon said. "Oh, god, no, this is going to be your version of the incest joke, isn''t it!"

    "Jon will never submit to you!" I said. "No matter if you burn him, explode him, or dangle him from tall buildings!"

    Nightchilde chuckled. "I''ve already killed him once, Aaron. No, Aaron, I think you know that I will torment those you care for. I know you were willing to die rather than swear to Veles."

    "Wait, you were?" Bloodstorm asked, looking ready to charge but holding back. "Wow, I did not see that coming."

    "I did," Agata said. "He is a true hero. Which is unfortunately what we don''t need now."

    Rachel proceeded to step forward. "Wait, you need to know something! I am your sister, Zorya Dawnbringer! Reborn!"

    Nightchilde blinked. "Yeah, I knew that."

    "Oh," Rachel said, pausing. "Can''t we find a way to resolve this peacefully."

    "Seriously, she looks like someone combined Felicia Day and the actress who played Ania in the TV show," Alek said, looking at Rachel with an uncomfortable expression on his face. "Wait, Aaron, did you design her?"

    "No!" I said. "Okay, can we just ditch this entire line of incest jokes? I''ve been a good sport about it but we need to stop these now."

    "Sorry, we''re trying not to react to the horrifying massacre," Jon said. "But I swear an oath if you get your ex-girlfriend not to kill or torture me then I will leave all of the incest jokes to Rachel from now on."

    "You promise?" Rachel asked Jon.

    "Rachel, we need to talk about parent-child boundaries," I said.

    "I''m just trying to bond with the group," Rachel said. "They treat you very poorly despite you being super nice."

    "He killed me!" Ivan said.

    "You got better!" Rachel said. "Also, you were lying to him."

    "That''s not an excuse," Ivan said.

    I looked between my group, Alek, and Nightchilde. We could try and rush Nightchilde and maybe I could free Francine with a COUNTERSPELL.

    Yeah, good luck with that, Perun said.

    But I also realized that wouldn''t do much to defeat Veles. Nightchilde was sane, having purged herself of the Twisted One''s influence, just kind of awful.

    "I heard that," Nightchilde said.

    So, I decided to try all or nothing. "Let''s negotiate a compromise. I''ve got two people you want and you have some people I want."

    "You can''t beat me, Aaron," Nightchilde said. "In the end, you always gave me what I wanted. I also have the allegiance of the woman you love."

    "Not willingly," Ania said, coldly. "You aren''t the god I thought you were."

    Nightchilde smiled. "The god you wanted was a god who told you to kill everyone you hated and feel good about it. If you believe that, you should worship Mythras, but I own her too now."

    Joan glared.

    Ania looked away.

    I shrugged. "I think we can reach an equitable agreement, but we can settle any disputed issues with a game of skill."

    "You mean..."

    "How about a game of Pwiffle?"

 Book Two - Chapter Forty-One - The Last Pwifle Match

    So, I was losing the Pwiffle match.

    I had gotten, perhaps, overconfident in my abilities to win a children''s card game (with gratuitous nudity for adults) due to my victory over Veles. I''d forgotten that I hadn''t really beaten Veles so much as I''d delayed the match until he''d rage-quit. Here, it was clearly the case that Nightchilde was a lot more patient than her father and familiar with most of my tricks.

    Well, one of her fathers.

    "You can''t win this, Aaron," Nightchilde said, sitting across from me with a notebook that was almost daring me to sneak a peek and an ordinary pencil. She was taking notes with one pair of hands while the other held her cards.

    "It''s not over until it''s over," I said, struggling to concentrate. Nightchilde was putting on her powers to make herself more distracting and I couldn''t help but remember the better times we''d had together. Such as they were. She''d also put on a kimono that was especially low cut and showed a lot of leg.

    All the rest of the group was elsewhere, and I only had Nightchilde''s guarantee they wouldn''t kill each other but I''d stupidly agreed to a truce until we settled things. Francine agreed because she wanted to figure out a way to morally justify Nightchilde¡¯s mass murder since it had supposedly united all of the good guys (and not so good guys).

    Bluntly, I was more worried about losing my remaining friends to Nightchilde''s wrath than I was about losing all the armies that Nightchilde claimed she''d assembled. Still, I wasn''t ashamed of putting my friends first. Trying to win this war through the power of RISK and BATTLESHIP was more Francine''s thing than mine.

    "Isn''t it?" Nightchilde asked. "You might as well agree to all of my terms now and we can work out the specifics later."

    "Marry you and take over the world," I said, being clear. "The exact terms you gave to Not-Ivan to relay to me."

    "You can just call him Ivan," Nightchilde said. "He''s a construction of the best elements of both Ivan and Cezary, made perfectly suitable to my needs. It''s why I taught the original Cezary the spell to make the transfer. I needed to test how my spell splitting up a corrupted god would go. All the rest of the garbage of both men was transferred to my scapegoat."

    "Scapegoat?" I asked.

    "The Wind Demon below," Nightchilde answered. "It''s weakened right now but will break free from the dungeons in a few days, only to proceed to find itself in the middle of the Mad Queen''s, the Empire''s, the Elves, and the Dragon Queen''s armies. With my power and yours together, we can slay it. Once that is done, we''ll sign a permanent treaty between all the factions. Nothing unites a group of feuding forces like a common enemy after all."

    I put down a THISTLE card with a ANIA ROSE card. "Yes, because that clearly led to an everlasting peace between the Soviet Union and the other Allies after WW2."

    Nightchilde rolled her eyes. "Why are you even invested in this? It''s not your world, not your people, and you were kidnapped by the Wise Man."

    "I''ll tell you what," I said, taking a deep breath. "You tell me the answers to my questions, and I''ll answer yours. We''ll do it Hannibal Lecter style."

    "Am I Clarice or Hannibal in this?" Nightchilde asked, batting her eyelashes.

    "I think you know the answer to that," I said.

    Nightchilde put down a STEEL ROSE card. Which had a picture of me looking weirdly badass. "Yes, I suppose we do."

    "Uh, I don''t think that is legal," I said, frowning.

    "The new card deck just came out with spoilers for the game," Nightchilde said. "Everyone is already wondering who the hell you are and comparing you to Raiden from Metal Gear 2 or Nero from Devil May Cry 4."

    "The substitute no one wanted for the real hero," I said, annoyed with her comparison.

    "Yes," Nightchilde said. "Now answer my question and I''ll even throw in releasing Ania from her oath."

    I stared at her. "You will? And that''s not a question."

    Nightchilde smirked. "Why not? She''s already an oathbreaker. Her honor was the last thing that was binding her, and it was amazing that she chose you over it. I confess, you must have made quite a bit more of an impression on her than you did me."

    "Yes, funny how I want to marry her and only consider you to be my evil ex," I said, putting down a second ANIA card then claiming the STEEL ROSE card. Nightchilde had apparently missed that was a weakness of that one.

    "You have two Anias?" Nightchilde asked.

    "Is that a question?" I asked.

    "Sure, but you haven''t answered the first one," Nightchilde said. "Why do you care?"

    I shrugged. "I don''t need a big reason for trying to help these people. If I saw someone on the side of the road and they were badly injured, I''d call an ambulance or try to get them to a hospital. People are always acting like helping others is a terrifyingly rare thing to do. I got the opportunity to help and tried to do it. So, I did. That''s not weird."

    "That''s extremely weird," Nightchilde said. "Even among the champions. Valentin may have been at one end of the spectrum while Francine and you are at the other but it''s not like there''s not a large middle between you. There''s more people like Jon than you''d know who only help so much as it aids those who are their friends."

    "Then more people should be friends," I said. "As for why I have two Ania cards, I always save the Ania cards."

    Nightchilde frowned. "Very well, ask your question. I should point out that I will be defeating you for good next round with this BORIS POPPY (DRAGON) card."

    She set down a red dragon card.

    "I don''t think so," I said, pointing to Thistle as I memorized the back description of the STEEL ROSE card. "Thistle gets an upgrade when the STEEL ROSE is in play. That puts me over Boris Poppy by one point."

    Nightchilde looked down. "You''ve got to be shitting me. This card is way overpowered."

    "I think you were playing it wrong," I said. "It''s a command style card rather directly dangerous. It enhances--"

    "Shut up," Nightchilde said, crossing all her arms. "Ask your damned question."

    "Could you explain how this whole murder-the-dragon-queen-and-replace-her thing happened?" I asked, staring at her. "Because I''m not clear on a lot of details. I thought the Wise Man was responsible for that and one of his agents."

    Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

    "You wouldn''t be wrong," Nightchilde said. "The answer is that the video game style plot that you''ve been experiencing between Veles and the Wise Man has been breaking down for some time. It''s amazing that it lasted for fifteen cycles. The simple fact is that Veles and the Wise Man only have each other''s consent to treat me and my siblings as bosses to be slain. Svarog, Mokosh, Mythras, and even the Aesir never agreed to settling it between them. It is actually the height of arrogance that everyone else would be left out of the struggle."

    "Mokosh and Zorya Dawnbringer seemed willing to help," I said.

    "Because you''re the only game in town," Nightchilde said. "Even then, she saw you were willing to do it your way. My sister and I managed to get free of our Twisted One corruption thanks to the disruption in Veles'' enchantment of it by previous champions. I was more successful than her because I am the goddess of magic while she was just the goddess of war."

    I wasn¡¯t sure that boast was the flex she thought it was since Zorya Dawnbringer had slain her Elemental Demon completely while Nightbringer¡¯s was in the basement. Still, it seemed Nightbringer had been free for years.

    Somehow.

    I nodded. "Okay, I''m with you so far. You and Dawnbringer planned to free yourself of your corrupted avatars. She decided to make Rachel with me for that. You, however, projected yourself into my world."

    "Good guess," Nightchilde said. "I sought help from the gods there just as Larry C.C. Weis sought help from the divine descendants of Perun that hadn''t been hunted down by Veles like they had on this world."

    I grimaced. That explained why Weis hadn''t sought help closer to home. "But there was still a Wind Demon on this world. An Old God."

    "Is that a question?" Nightchilde asked.

    "Sure."

    "Yes," Nightchilde said. "I split myself in half rather than fully purified myself like Dawnbringer did. To put an end to the corruption of the Wind Demon, the Wind Demon must die, and I didn''t have the juice for it as you would say. In the end, I had to return to Mokosh empty-handed. None of Earth''s gods were willing to assist me without Svarog or Mythras'' help. Veles was too powerful, and I was too untrustworthy."

    "Can''t imagine why," I said. "So how did that get to murdering the slave-liberating dragon queen? Because I really hated that plot twist in the show."

    Nightchilde shook her head. "My question now. Do you love Ania?"

    "Yes," I said, not hesitating.

    "Could you possibly love someone else in addition to her?" Nightchilde asked, starting a new round of Pwiffle.

    "That''s another question," I pointed out.

    "Yes," Nightchilde said.

    "I don''t know," I said. "I''ve been attracted to other people as well as built strong emotions regarding them but that doesn''t compare to Ania. I don''t know."

    "She''s not really your daughter since she was made from magic and fire."

    "I meant Zorya Dawnbringer! Who is not Rachel."

    "Sure, sure."

    I wondered what it would take to stop the incest jokes. Did it require killing everyone in my group? Because, honestly, we were getting to that point. "Tell me how you ended up becoming the Dragon Queen."

    Nightchilde smiled as she dealt out the cards. "The truth is that Weis'' plan to save the Two Worlds wasn''t even the most effective one. A fact that must have galled the old wizard. He had, after all, sacrificed far too much to allow anyone else to save the world."

    "That''s not exactly clear," I said, not exactly asking for clarification but implying it.

    "Svarog and the Dragon Queen went off script to defeat Veles," Nightchilde said. "You''ve probably heard some of the details but it would involve binding the Old Gods rather than attempting to slay them, so they reincarnate without the Twisted One''s taint. We would sleep for thousands of years but the taint would gradually fade."

    "I take it you weren''t down with that plan," I said. "Which is a statement not a question."

    "No," Nightchilde said. "Nor was the Wise Man. It would mean a fading of our power as gods for all time. We would still exist but what little power we held over humanity, preserved so judiciously in Mokosh, would vanish forever. Svarog might be strong enough to endure it but I would be just a memory in a history book, if that. The Dragon Queen had her sister''s might, though, and planned to conduct the ritual without any of Weis'' champions."

    "So, you allied with him and assassinated her," I said.

    "Not quite," Nightchilde said. "Did you ever love me?"

    I paused. "I was devoted to you. I don''t think you can love someone who doesn''t love you back, though. It just becomes twisted."

    Nightchilde nodded, smiling. "Go ahead and ask your next question."

    "What happened then?" I asked, checking my cards.

    They were awful. Almost all ratkin, except for a Garland.

    "Do you know how easy it is to manipulate a person when they have a vested interest in being good or being considered good?"

    "Is that a question?"

    "No," Nightchilde said. "The answer is easily. The Dragon Queen was at war with the Mad Queen and there is no war without atrocities or innocents killed. It was not difficult to convince a woman who was certain it was her job to be a hero to kill a dragon that was rampaging through enemy forces. Even if that rampage would have brought an end to the Mad Queen''s reign."

    "Francine," I said, taking a deep breath. "She''s a good person."

    "I know," Nightchilde said. "But people pushed to the limit of trying to do the right thing to make mistakes, especially during wartime. Like, say, blowing the head off of a prisoner and raising him from the dead."

    "What would have happened if I hadn''t done that?" I asked. "And yes, that''s a question."

    "Francine would have killed him," Nightchilde said. "Or Jorg or even Ania. You read the others demanding a pound of flesh and gave it to them. That doesn''t mean what you did wasn''t dramatically out of character and morally wrong. It''s just a sign you were trying to make the best of a bad situation."

    "Francine killed the Dragon Queen and you took her place," I said.

    "I reanimated her body," Nightchilde said. "My previous avatar was burning up its human vessel but a royal of draconic blood would be able to hold me just fine. Weis allowed me to slip into her frame and I became the new Dragon Queen. From there, I could feed on the deaths of the war and grow strong enough to permanently bind my corrupted self to Prince Cezary. Once he''s destroyed, I''ll be able to join forces with Weis'' remaining champions to defeat Veles. From there, we will restore the faith of the Ledzianian pantheon as well as raise a new Empire on the ashes of the old."

    I started to speak. "You can''t--"

    "Tut, tut, Aaron," Nightchilde said. "You asked two questions. I get to ask two questions."

    I sighed. "Go ahead."

    "Do you feel that Ledziania is making you a better person or worse?" Nightchilde asked, tapping out her cards.

    They were very good.

    "Yes," I answered truthfully. "Veles said that this world was a place that brought out the worst in people and there were no good answers. Sometimes I do extreme things to try to make things balanced. On the other hand, I think I''ve done real good here too. But I''m afraid the more powerful I become, the more my potential to hurt people rather than help them will grow. It doesn''t help that I think your father is an insane barbarian."

    Hey! Perun said.

    Nightchilde smiled. "Finally, I have one more question: just what would you be willing to do to save this kingdom? How much would you be willing to sacrifice?"

    "That''s two questions," I said.

    "They''re just an extension of the first," Nightchilde said.

    I closed my eyes. "I don''t know. I don''t want to become Alek and forget that I''m here to help people. If you''re the Dragon Queen, then you''re lying to him and Joan about resurrecting her. Because she''s not dead. the same as Jon''s not dead because he''s a raven."

    "A dragon now but yes," Nightchilde said. "I''ve managed to win over Jorge by holding his sister''s resurrection hostage. I would never bring back her, though, because she is a potential enemy sorceress that would never forgive what I''ve done to her son."

    I stared at her. "Then you don''t need my coin at all."

    I threw away my Garland card despite being my best one and hoped for a flush of ratkin. Instead, I got a MASTER ROGUE DARK UNDERMASTER card. It had an image of Ania on it, which seemed to be my lucky card.

    Nightchilde smirked. "Of course I do. Otherwise, you might use it or reveal it can''t be used. It''s time to call: CHERNABOG, ZORYA DAWNBRINGER, ZORYA NIGHTBRINGER, and BELOBOG. There''s also a GOBLIN TROOPER but I''m throwing that away. Oh, look, I have a CRAZY BARRY. I don''t think I''ll need that with a four Old Gods spread. All I''d need is a Veles for a Royal Divine Hand."

    "I''ll take that CRAZY BARRY please," I said.

    "What?" Nightchilde asked.

    "Master Rogues can steal one card from the other side," I said, pointing to the description. "Which gives he''s a ratkin means that''s a flush."

    Nightchilde said. "A flush does not beat...ah crap."

    I nodded. "Yes, CRAZY BARRY means that all ratkin cards have double their value, which means that a flush becomes a double flush or ratpocalypse in this respect."

    ¡°You made that word up.¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    "We''re tied now." Nightchilde muttered. "What are your terms for the tiebreaker?"

    "I swear allegiance to you if you win. If I win, you support me defeating Veles and leave the Dragon Queen''s body," I said.

    "If you win, you marry me," Nightchilde said. "Believe me, I''d rather marry just about anyone else."

    I didn''t want to agree but was about to when the entire palace shook. Screams could be heard outside of the throne room.

    "We''ll have to pause the game," Nightchilde said. "It seems the Wind Demon has broken out early."

 Book Two - Chapter Forty-Two - Fighting a boss out of sequence

    Nightchilde placed her hand, well, one of them, on my shoulder and I felt myself restored. "You''ll need this if you want to have a chance to fight the Wind Demon."

    I turned to her. "Uh, aren''t you going to help?"

    "Not a chance," Nightchilde said, dryly. "The Wind Demon would concentrate all of its force upon me for the anger it feels over what I''ve done to it. I am currently in a weakened state due to our separation, even with the Dragon Queen''s body, but I will be at full strength once I have the chance to absorb its power post-mortem. Your soldiers will have to finish it off by themselves."

    "Uh huh," I said, only really registering she said my party and I were going to go after this thing on our own.

    "Do not be too alarmed, Aaron," Nightchilde said, smiling. "The Wind Demon can heal itself to full strength, but it cannot resurrect its heads. Each of them represents a fragment of the people I once was and with two of them gone, it will be substantially weakened. Your angelic slave did not die in vain."

    I got the distinct impression Nightchilde was doing her best to be nice to me, but she was failing miserably because her definition was so far removed from anything i considered to be so.

    "Yeah, right, well I want to go try to rescue everyone in the city," I said, gesturing to the door. "Do you have any objections to that, Your Majesty?"

    "We''ll finish our game afterward," Nightchilde said. "Remember, Aaron, that you have your own unwelcome passenger. Ask yourself if your most recent actions are because you decided to do them or because you are influenced by someone else."

    I think she''s talking about you, I said to Perun.

    No shit, Perun also. Also, I never would have killed Ivan.

    Oh, I said.

    Yeah, I would have either forced him to swear allegiance or killed him but not both, Perun said. That was brutal.

    I bowed my head and turned away before heading to the door, having no idea how I was going to get myself out of this current situation. The Nightbringer was one of the most popular characters in Eldritch Ring but someone who also had a manipulative streak a mile wide. I wasn''t one of her stans, though, and the fact she''d apparently decided we should get married to solidify her claim on the Southern Kingdoms wasn''t improving my opinion.

    That and the mass murder of royals and wizards who could stand in her way, Perun said.

    That too, I added.

    I''d cared for Nightchilde a lot but in retrospect, our relationship had been one big fat lie. She''d been a rock star, or at least something close to it, and I''d been a computer programmer. The relationship had been entirely on her terms. She showed up, crashed at my place between gigs, and sometimes invited me to wherever she was staying no matter how far away it was. There hadn''t been much glamour to it and any emotional intimacy was voided by the fact I didn''t know she was a goddess from another planet. It was kind of the reverse of my situation with Ania. I''d known everything about her life, and she''d known nothing about mine.

    There was also the fact, if you''ll pardon the Pwiffle pun, she was holding all the cards. I had no idea how to piece together the jigsaw puzzle that had been made of the Southern Kingdom''s political situation. The Mad Queen was dead, rather anticlimactically assassinated Godfather style, along with the Great Mother of the Sisters of Mokosh and First Ranger Rhoeas. Maybe Emperor Constantine the Black II but he hadn''t been here, only his delegates. There were a bunch of other people I had no idea as to the identities of but had to assume they were important.

    Basically, everyone who could have stood up to Nightchilde in her coup had been wiped out in one fell swoop. Well, not everyone, the Wise Man had managed to survive by sending a doppelganger. Still, I didn''t know if it was best to make a deal with the Devil (Elizabeth Hurley''s version from Bedazzled came to mind) or risk trying to go out on our own. I also had to re-evaluate White Alignment Lawful Good paragon Francine since, apparently, she''d spent the past few years helping Nightchilde set all of this up. Hell, Francine was the assassin of the Dragon Queen and meant that she''d been responsible for the worst series finale of any show since Dexter.

    "Hey, Aaron!" a familiar and entirely unwelcome voice spoke at the end of the hall I was traveling down.

    It was Alek and he was carrying his assault rifle.

    Acting like he wasn''t a guy who had just murdered a bunch of people, including Garland''s mother.

    Joan was beside him.

    "Alek, I don''t mean to be a dick, except I kind of do," I said, taking a deep breath. "Please back the fuck off, you fucking psycho."

    I paused.

    Alek paused.

    "I apologize for my language," I said, looking down at Joan. "That was uncalled for."

    "You blew the head off of my friend and raised him from the dead," Joan said. "I mean, yes, he was lying to us--"

    "The lying was bad," I said, feeling like I had to be patient here even though I could hear screams outside along with battle. "The stealing someone''s body and wearing it like a suit part was worse. Oh, and being party to torturing my girlfriend and her sister when they were teenagers. Oh, and trying to use us to kill his bodysnatching victim to cover up his crime. All that pisses me off. Dammit, I really am sorry for my coarse language."

    "I think she''s heard worse," Alek said, jokingly.

    "Quiet, Mr. Murder!" I said, pointing at him. "You are a murderous bad person now! I do not want to hear jokes from you after seeing your gunned down victims!"

    I felt like my brain was degenerating to grade school around Alek, I was so furious at him.

    "You killed Ivan!" Alek said. "You don''t get to lecture me about murder when you pull that shit! Sorry, Joan."

    "Seriously, I''ve heard bad language before," Joan muttered. "It''s not even a sin if you don''t invoke Mythras'' name or blaspheme by referencing other gods."

    "I can lecture you about murder when my victim''s up and walking around a minute later!" I said. "It''s like a punching a guy. It hurt and then it''s done."

    You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

    "It''s cruel and unusual punishment," Alek said, sounding genuinely offended at my dismissal of what I''d done. "Not that I wouldn''t have killed him for what he''d done. Same as Francine and probably Jorg or any of the rest of your group. I''m just saying you''re no better."

    "I killed him so no one else would!" I said. "Which is admittedly stupid sounding in retrospect, but it worked. I think. At least, hopefully no one has killed him in the day since it happened."

    "Can he really be blamed for his past crimes?" Joan asked, clearly wrestling with the earlier part of our conversation. "I mean, the stuff he did as Prince Cezary. In many ways, he''s really a different person in the most literal sense. We''re talking about the mixing and matching of souls."

    "Aren''t you, as the Pope, someone who should be deciding that?" Alek asked.

    "This isn''t covered in the Mythrandium," Joan said, blinking. "I should probably ask Mythras."

    "You do that," I said, upset at being interrupted. "But right now I need to assemble everyone I can to slay the evil dragon god so we can save people."

    "I want to help," Alek said, looking at me.

    I stared at him. "Like fu...err, frick you will!"

    "I want to help too!" Joan said. "You can bring back Celestyne! Nightchilde said so. We don''t need her."

    I stared at her. "This is what it takes to get you to turn on her after both swearing allegiance to her?"

    Yes, I was irrationally angry about that except remove the irrationally part.

    Alek paused. "See, that''s the problem, Aaron. For most of us, bringing back the dead, is not a normal everyday occurrence."

    "I mean, I can do it, but it has to be in three days and I have to have the body," Joan said.

    I made a mental note to see if we could find the Great Mother and her attendants¡¯ bodies, assuming Nightchilde didn''t just disintegrate them.

    "I''m not sure it''s that easy," I said. "Nightchilde is running around in Celestyne''s body."

    Alek and Joan stared at me. Their shared look was one of pure horror.

    Shit.

    I probably should have kept that to myself at this point. So many books from the Dresden Files and so on advocated that you should be open as well as honest with your partners about everything. When, in reality, sometimes there was something to be said about operational secrecy.

    "That lying evil..." Alek trailed off.

    I took a deep breath. "Alek, I can''t imagine the kind of pain and suffering you''re going through. I know what I would do if Ania was lost to me and someone offered to bring her back. However, I need to suggest to you something simple: stop making pacts with evil gods, you goddamn moron!"

    "See, now that''s a sin," Joan said, making a joke even as her eyes contained despair. "When you revealed my mother had been taken by an imposter, I thought I''d accepted it but then she offered--"

    "People are dying!" I said, pointing to the side of the hall where I could hear the screams. I wished I had a window to look out and, simultaneously, was grateful I didn''t. "If you want to help, fine, but if anyone tries to kill you for the fact you murdered their aunt or sister then I''m not going to intervene."

    Technically, the Great Mother wasn''t their aunt, just their foster brother''s mother, Perun said.

    Shuddap, I replied.

    Unfortunately, if there was another moment we could have spent on discussing this, it had past because there was the sound of a massive crash from down the hall I''d just heading toward. It was where the others were supposed to have been held prisoner. Not thinking with my INT but my heart, I ran down as fast as I could.

    The sight that greeted me at the end of the hall was one that managed to stun me even after all I''d managed to have seen in the Southern Kingdoms. Passing through the door frame, the door having fallen of its hinges, I came into a large chamber that had previously been a lounge between multiple apartments. It was here that my party had been divided and guarded by Nightchilde''s assassins.

    It was better than a dungeon with more of the pleasant, oddly Mediterranean architecture style (to go along with their Japanese weapons--elves were weird), but a prison was just a prison. I could only imagine all the party wondering if I was going to betray them or help them. I''d lost their trust during all of this and wasn''t sure I could get it back. Maybe that was something I was imagining, though, and just reflected what I feared most.

    None of that mattered though, right now, because the roof had literally been ripped off the top of the chamber and the Wind Demon was staring his two remaining heads down into the chamber. It had breathed fire into the room and there were still pockets burning across the stone floor like oil fires. Dragonfire seemed to work less like a flame thrower and more like napalm.

    A good six or seven Dark Moon assassins were dead on the ground alongside an equal number of gilded armored elves of both sexes. My party had managed to gather its weapons and was attempting to fight the monster. Not all of them had gotten their armor on, though, with Bloodstorm naked.

    Ivan was, hilariously, wearing a white nightgown with a cap like he was Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. He''d once more summoned his personal cannon and it was firing at the monster to minimal effect.

    "Cezzaaaaarrryyyy!" The Wind Demon hissed, its two draconic mouths speaking the name simultaneously.

    "I assume you''re going to blame me for this!" Ivan shouted, throwing what appeared to be a modern grenade that stuck to the side of the second head and blew up. It didn''t kill the head, though, but half-blinded it.

    "Die, monster!" Alek shouted, raising his rifle and shooting at the injured head. The bullets tore into its wounded head, and it turned to stare at us with one blazing eye as the other head continued attacking my group.

    "Thank you, Alek, we really needed its attention," I shouted, holding out my hand. "PERUN!"

    I really hoped that the sword Thistle had stolen would return to my hand if I summoned it. Much to my surprise, it did, appearing in glorious He-Man-esque fashion.

    The dragon breathed forth a massive amount of greenish fire at me, Alek, and Joan, only for the latter to summon a glowing shield that barely managed to hold it at bay. It flickered seconds after the torrent of flame stopped, though, and Joan ended up on one knee.

    "Mythras is very mad at me," Joan muttered. "You can''t serve two masters."

    "Then serve one," I muttered, charging at the dragon and casting JUMP before I leapt on its back, driving my sword into its back. The Sword of Perun buried itself into the monster''s thick hide at the base of its wounded neck. A thick black ichor poured from the wound and the head thrashed for several seconds before falling still.

    That was when the Wind Demon looked back with one of its heads before starting to levitate upward and take me with it.

    Oh crap.

    "YOU WILL COME WITH ME, PERUNSON," the Wind Demon spoke with one voice rather than two as it took to the sky. It was suddenly a lot more coherent sounding. It still sounded like every word was being shouted, though. "YOU WILL MAKE A GIFT TO THE DARK LORD AND I WILL RECEIVE THE RESTORATION THAT I HAVE SO LONG DESIRED!"

    Great, you eliminated the competing personalities, Perun said. Now it can think straight.

    You are not helping! I mentally shouted.

    I struggled to stay on the Wind Demon''s back as it started sailing over the city. La Tene was on fire in several places, and I could see that fighting had broken out between the armies encamped in ruined parts of the elvish settlement. If this was Nightchilde''s plan to bring all of the armies of the Southern Kingdoms under her control, it was not a very good one.

    "I don''t suppose we can work something out!" I said, very glad I had my ring of ogre strength on or I would have gone flying off by now. "I know you are the real Ivan! We can get you a new body or even your old one back, maybe!"

    "I LIKE THIS NEW BODY!" The singular head spoke. "I WILL SEVER THE REMAINING HEADS AND MASTER SHAPESHIFTING TO HUMAN FORM! VELES WILL NEED A KING TO REIGN OVER HIS CONQUERED LANDS BEFORE HE DESTROYS THEM ALL! I WILL BE THAT KING!"

    Yeah, it seemed that we''d reached the limit of diplomacy here. "Don''t make me destroy you!"

    Okay, I was quoting Darth Vader now.

    That wasn''t a good sign.

    "WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO, INSECT?" the Wind Demon screamed. "YOU ARE A BASTARD IMITATION OF GARLAND AND NOT EVEN A TRUE GOD."

    I sucked in my breath and let go of the sword, clutching one of the scales instead. I was going to get a Divine Mishap here. "PERUN''S DIVINE LIGHTNING BOLT!"

    A bolt of lightning larger than any I''d ever seen shot down from the sky and struck my target: the Sword of Perun that channeled the electricity throughout the body of the Wind Demon. It screamed like a human being over a microphone, ringing through my ears. It wasn''t enough to kill it, though, so I held my hand right over the crackling pommel and shouted, "PUSH!"

    The sword shot so deep into its chest that the pommel disappeared.

    And the dragon began to fall. I struggled to hold onto the edge of the injury, burning my hands on the hot ichor but a gust of wind blasted from the wound.

    Divine Mishap.

    The wind blast hit me with as much force as one of my PUSH spells and sent me flying off into the air.

 Book Two - Forty-Three - True Companions

    I think I reacted to being knocked off a dragon in mid-flight rather well.

    "SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT!" I shouted, flailing in the air and never more aware of the fact that I could have gotten the GENTLE FALL spell at first level. Unfortunately, I was still about six hundred thousand experience points away from leveling up this time. Hit points meant I was tougher but since Valentin had been about 20th level when I''d pushed him off a similarly sized cliff, I was pretty sure they meant nothing here.

    Indeed, it was kind of embarrassing my last thoughts were going to be of game mechanics versus something profound like the meaning of life or Ania. Hell, I was annoyed my final thoughts were going to be annoyed that I wasn''t thinking of Ania. Then my mind wandered to Ania and Rachel but not in a way that could be considered familial, philosophical, or profound. No, I was imagining Ania naked and realizing Rachel looked exactly like a girl I met at Undermastercon.

    Was time travel involved?

    That was when my super-intelligence calculated just how much time I had left before I impacted against the city of La Tene below, presuming I hit one of the streets rather than impaled myself on one of the ruined stone buildings.

    3...

    2...

    "Gotcha!" Jon shouted before a pair of draconic claws grabbed me in mid air and nearly broke a pair of ribs when they clamped down. My friend was now an enormous blue dragon, far smaller than the Wind Demon but way larger than Sparky had been. On his back were Rachel and Ania, both of them having webbed themselves to his back.

    YOU HAVE TAKEN 15 HP OF DAMAGE

    "I''ll take it!" I said, coughing as Jon continued to carry me. "Thank you! I owe you big!"

    "Perhaps the real incest was the friends we made along the way!" Jon said, cheerfully.

    I flipped Jon off despite the fact he''d just saved my life. "I hate you!"

    "I love you too, Aaron!" Jon said.

    "Is it dead?" Ania shouted at the top of her lungs.

    I stared down at where the Wind Demon had been sent crashing and saw it had smashed into the side of what looked to the Cathedral of the All-Gods. I remembered that being described in Art of the Dark Undermaster Saga book and preview material for Lords of Dragon Keep when everyone thought that was going to be out before the end of the show.

    The Cathedral of the All-Gods was basically elvish Notre Dame and it being burned down by the Ledzianian army had been the start of the Piast-Jagellion dynasty''s collapse. While not quite as dramatic as Mokosh''s curse on the forests outside of Crossroad, everything from plague to financial ruin had followed Alfred the Elfslayer''s reign before it passed to the Old King, Frederick.

    Actually, we had nothing to do with that, Perun said.

    Really? I asked, surprised. I thought you''d have been all over the divine punishment of it all.

    Picking a side in a race war rarely ends well, Perun said. At least if you''re worshiped by both sides. It''s why the Crusades were such a pain in the ass for Ellie.

    Ellie?

    You know them by another name, Perun said.

    I could see the Wind Demon having broken through a pair of walls as well as a bunch of construction platforms where the late Queen Rhoeas had begun rebuilding. The creature was presently in the middle of the central chamber, motionless.

    "No!" I shouted back at Ania. "It''s not dead yet."

    "How can you tell?" Ania shouted, confused.

    "There hasn''t been a GOD SLAIN notice," I said, feeling very proud of myself.

    "We need to get the others!" Rachel said. "Facing its second phase with anything less than a full party would be suicide!"

    "We can''t let it recover!" Ania shouted instead. "If it casts healing spells while we assemble our forces then we might as well not have injured it at all!"

    Damn, everyone was talking in game speak these days. "Jon, take us down!"

    "I should point out that I''m very new at this!" Jon said, slowly descending down.

    "Dragonflight doesn''t exactly obey the law of physics! I think this is more like a flight simulator from the Eighties and I never successfully landed the airplane from the NES'' Top Gun game."

    "I don''t think anyone ever did!" I replied. "Just try not to crush me when you land!"

    "No promises!" Jon said, slowly descending toward the Cathedral of the All-Gods.

    The Wind Demon was prostrate on the ground among dozens of shattered stone pews and its sole remaining head pressed up against the altar. There were statues of Perun, Mokosh, Dazhbog, and other members of the Ledzianian pantheon but as elves rather than humans. Most of them were damaged and some of them even demolished completely.

    The ground was sticking with the black ichor that had been leaking from the wound I''d created with Perun''s sword even as I wished I could draw the weapon to me again. Unfortunately, if that was an ability, it was one that I''d need a higher divinity score to use.

    Jon hovered a few feet off the ground, making use of his dragon magic to do so, before dropping me on the ground. He then hovered a few feet behind me before plopping down. It wasn''t the most graceful landing ever, but it got the job done. Rachel dismissed the WEB spell binding her and Ania to the back of Jon before both slid onto the ground.

    "Okay, I''m going to blast him!" Jon said, staring at the still-unmoving body of the Wind Demon. He pulled his head back and proceeded to, uh, well, wheeze at it.

    Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

    "That didn''t work," I said, conjuring some Arcane Fire. It wasn''t my strongest spell, but it was still something I hoped could tear into the Old God.

    Jon coughed again. "Okay, gimme a second."

    "Performance issues?" Ania asked, looking at Jon. She had Lightbringer ready to use.

    "Hey!" Jon said. "This is not a common thing for me! It''s the first time, I swear!"

    "That''s what they all say," Ania said. "They have potions for that sort of thing."

    "I liked you more when you didn''t have a sense of humor," Jon muttered, gagging as if trying to light a fire inside himself.

    Rachel lifted her staff and began chanting in a language I didn''t recognize.

    That was when I heard a very familiar feminine voice. "PUSH!"

    I was sent flying into the air alongside Rachel and Ania. I didn''t go far before I ended up smacking into the side of Jon''s draconic body. It was like being thrown into the side of a rhino. It hurt like hell and rang my bell as I landed on the ground at Jon''s feet.

    YOU HAVE TAKEN 5 HP DAMAGE

    "Oh crap," Jon said, accidentally stepping forward and pushing his clawed foot on me.

    YOU HAVE TAKEN 15 HP DAMAGE

    "Mothersucker!" I shouted, feeling like I''d just had a car dropped on me.

    Dammit, I was taking more damage from my team member than I was from the evil god.

    "Sorry!" Jon said, stepping off me and accidentally slamming Rachel in the face with his tail. "Crap!"

    Ania managed to roll out of the way before Jon stepped on her.

    My attention was drawn to where the spell had come from, and I saw that Francine and Jorg were stepping off the side of their own flying demon steeds. Francine had her enormous sword drawn and Jorg had his smaller one equipped alongside a kite shield.

    "Francine, what the hell are you doing?" I asked, slowly climbing to my feet and whispering both of my CURE spells.

    They helped.

    A little.

    "Hand over the coin, Aaron," Francine said, coolly. "This doesn''t have to involve anyone getting hurt."

    "Speak for yourself," Jorg said, staring at me with hate in his eyes. "I say the face of my sister''s murderer. It''s almost identical to yours. You''re all in this together."

    "That is not true," I said, calmly. "Listen, we''ve got bigger issues to deal with now. The Wind Demon is not dead and--"

    "I don''t care," Jorg said, his voice low and threatening. "It was a mistake not to kill Ania Rose when I found her among those terrorists and it was a mistake not to kill you when I saw you''d brought back Thistle. You''re all plotting against my family and I''m not going to get away with it."

    "Francine, what the hell is this?" I asked.

    "I made a mistake allying with Nightchilde," Francine said, making the understatement of the decade. "She''s as much a threat as the creature that you just killed beside us."

    "It''s not--" I started to say.

    Francine talked over me. "If we''re going to be able to pull a victory out of the jaws of defeat, we need to resurrect Apollonia and put her on the throne. From there, we can defeat Nightchilde and Veles both."

    I stared at her. "Are you out of your damned mind?"

    I had to wonder if she was suffering from sunk cost fallacy. She''d spent the past few years fighting a brutal stalemate against a vastly superior military force, slowly grinding those EXP that I''d mostly won in the past month and had served as an assassin of the messianic co-protagonist of the books. Maybe she was in love with Nightchilde, it would explain a few things, or maybe she''d simply made a bad call that was still defining her decisions.

    "I''m not going to let you turn over my father''s country to a Old God inhabiting Celestyne''s body nor the thing that is wearing my brother''s corpse as a suit," Jorg said, his voice low and threatening. "Do you think I''m an idiot? That I wouldn''t recognize your damn near twin is the assassin of the peace conference? One that they''re going to blame on the Empire? You''re a pawn of the Old Gods and you don''t even realize it."

    "The Aaron Bartkowski I knew wouldn''t have agreed to work with her," Francine said.

    "You didn''t even recognize me back in the sewers!" I snapped, annoyed that she was choosing now of all times to make this betrayal.

    Can you tell her to back off? I asked Perun.

    Sorry, hoss, Perun said. She''s way too high-level to listen to me. If you''d gone up to your current status after level 12, I would never have been able to speak with you.

    Something to look forward to then, I replied, annoyed with the uselessness of the Skyfather''s ghost.

    "Please, Aaron, this is the only chance you have to do the right thing," Francine said. "I will take the coin by force if I have to."

    Jon stepped in front of me and accidentally (?) smacked me in the face with his right wing.

    "Listen, lady, I don''t know you, but Aaron spoke highly of you. Which, of course, means you must secretly be a complete bitch. He has a type. However, you''re facing down a dragon now. D-R-A-G-O-N.¡±

    ¡°I slew the Dracolich,¡± Francine said, unimpressed. ¡°I ended the Spider Queen, the Balor Giant, and Deathlord Castor the Goblin King. I rescued Garland¡¯s soul from the Underworld. I even solved the riddle of the Tomb of Seven Parts. Believe me, you are not filling me with dread, dragonling.¡±

    Huh, so that was what she¡¯d been doing for twenty-five levels.

    ¡°I think you and your little Jaime Lannister-Boromir boy toy need to walk away,¡± Jon said, nonplussed. ¡°Now.¡±

    "Why does everyone assume it''s sexual between us?" Francine asked, completely missing the point.

    "Well, there was that one time..." Jorg trailed off.

    "That doesn''t count," Francine said. "There was a girl present."

    Ania had Lightbringer drawn again but this time aimed at Francine. "You can''t trust the Mad Queen, Francine. This is not you."

    "Hard decisions have to be made," Francine said, calmly. "I cared for you, Ania, but in the end you weren''t willing to see the big picture."

    Ania''s gaze was murderous, and she shot a light arrow from her bow, Jorg jumping in front of her.

    "Now can I kill them?" Jorg asked.

    Before Francine could answer, the Wind Demon raised its sole remaining head and blasted both her and Jorg with greenish fire. It barely missed me, sending me tumbling backward across the ground.

    "Fuck!" Ania said, aiming at her bow and firing another light arrow at the Wind Demon''s head. The arrow sank into its head but didn''t do appreciable damage. The dragon proceeded to blast her with another torrent of green fire.

    Ania tried to dodge...but didn''t.

    "Bastard!" Jon screamed and managed to unleash a blast of lightning from the back of his mouth, smashing into the torso of the creature.

    The Wind Demon retaliated by grabbing Jon''s neck by the throat then clamping down, biting deep and causing gushes of blood.

    Turning to the burned forms of Francine and Jorg, both of them dead or close to it, I saw the former''s sword was still intact. Grabbing it with both hands, I swung it into the side of the Wind Demon''s neck. It bit hard into the monster''s flesh as I swung again and again. The Wind Demon let go of Jon''s neck and screamed. It turned its head around and lifted up its two functioning human pairs of arms before starting to cast a spell.

    "COUNTERSPELL," I said, barely able to lift the sword but managing to stab it through the front of the creature''s torso.

    "I will¡­live¡­forever!" the Wind Demon said, gushing black ichor from its mouth. It sounded almost identical to Ivan now. Well, Not-Ivan. You know, what the hell, I¡¯m calling him Ivan again. This guy certainly wasn¡¯t the real Ivan. Not anymore.

    "GREATER DISINTEGRATE!" Rachel said, standing up and aiming her staff at the Wind Demon.

    It turned its head rapidly, only to suddenly turn a brilliant white before crumbling into a fine gray powder. There was no GOD SLAIN to go along with the death of the monster, but I was sure it was gone for good.

    I didn''t care.

    "Ania!" I said, running over to her side.

    She was burned...badly.

    So was Jon.

    Ania wasn''t breathing.

    Neither was Jon.

    "I''m sorry, Aaron. I''m still getting used to getting knocked around in battle," Rachel said, shaking her head. The red witch turned her attention to the fallen champion beside me. "Oh, Francine, what have you done? You could have won the whole thing."

    "She made her choice," I said, not taking my eyes off the horrible damage done to the woman I loved. I had a REVIVE spell and a resurrection coin. The sane, sensible thing to do would have been to wait for Joan and hope she could raise one of them while keeping the coin in reserve.

    I was not sane or sensible right now.

    I cast REVIVE on Jon and put the coin in Ania''s hands.

    "Come back to me, please," I whispered.

    "Ah," Nightchilde said, behind me. Well done. "I knew I could count on you, Aaron."

 Book Two - Forty-Four - The True Final Boss

    I took a deep breath, looking for any sign of life or response from Ania. "This really isn''t the time, Nightchilde."

    "On the contrary, I think it''s the perfect time," Nightchilde said, putting two of her hands on my shoulders and another two on the side of my head. "You''ve suffered a grievous loss. One that cuts you to the core. You''ve tried and failed to repair your soul after it. Now, I am here to offer you an alternative to suffering."

    "I''m not in the mood to marry you," I said, gritting my teeth and shaking my head. "Besides, you haven''t won yet."

    Nightchilde dropped a set of Pwiffle cards beside me. They were weak cards accompanied by the limited edition Epic DungeoneeringTM CHAMPION card that came as a preorder bonus for the third game. It could only be used once but automatically won you a round.

    "Really?" I asked, looking down. "You''re going to use the card banned for tournament play?"

    "I remember how you collected like five for the price of your car," Nightchilde said, massaging my shoulders and temple. "That was when I believed you would never amount too much. How wrong I was."

    "If you want to kill me, go ahead," I said. "I can''t be anything for anyone now."

    "Oh but imagine if you didn''t have to feel the pain you''re feeling now?" Nightchilde said. "I can take away all of your conscience. You''ll be able to enjoy life without having to worry about helping others, failure, or the fact that you promised to win this for your girlfriend but got her killed. Life will be pleasant for you, Aaron, and you''ll never have to worry about anyone else ever again."

    I stood up and walked away, unable to breathe. "That''s not as appealing as you think it is."

    "Liar," Nightchilde said, turning around to face me. "This isn''t you, Aaron. You don''t want to be a leader. You don''t crave power. Surrender to me and you will have a life of luxury and pleasant company. We will provide the people with salvation from Veles and they will reward us with their love. Give yourself to me, Aaron, and you will live forever in contentment. I will even bring back those you need."

    "Worship me and you''ll make me a god," I said, looking at the floor stained with Ania''s blood and ashes.

    "Yes," Nightchilde said.

    "Please, sister," Rachel started to speak, approaching us. "You don''t have to do this. Aaron is--"

    "Not yours," Nightchilde said, through gritted teeth. "He was mine and I did not give him permission to move on!"

    Rachel seemed shocked by that response. "That''s not how love is supposed to work."

    "Screw love!" Nightchilde said, throwing her arms out. "I am the goddess of the night and will not be denied!"

    "But--" Rachel started to speak.

    "Silence or die," Nightchilde said. "You are not my sister, just a pathetic mewling embodiment of a nerd''s fantasy girlfriend. Aaron has infected you with his weakness and mercy. My sister was the genocide of giants and the crusher of nations. You positively stink of compassion and goodwill now. It makes me sick. Now will you submit to me, Aaron, or will I have to find a new champion. I still have Alek after all. I can erase his memory of the Dragon Queen and make him my sword in your place. Certainly, he''d appreciate the lie that he was anything other than a substitute for Garland."

    "No," I said, more confident of my answer now. "I won''t dishonor Ania''s memory that way."

    Nightchilde growled. "Then die, oathbr--"

    "Nightchilde?" Ania spoke behind us both. "Dodge this."

    Nightchilde didn''t have a chance to turn her head before Ania fired her pistol into the side of her head. Nightchilde stumbled to the ground, confused by the bullet in her head. I saw Ania, covered in ash but fully healed, adjust her aim.

    "Backstab x4 damage, called shot to the head. Critical hit. Hmm, better a few more attacks of opportunity to make sure," Ania said, emptying the clip into her (former) goddess. It was over a dozen shots before she was done.

    Much to my surprise, Nightchilde was still alive but had seen better days, rocking from side to side as if trying to put her brain back together.

    "Ania, step aside," Jon said, slowly getting up. My REVIVE spell had worked on him too but just barely. "You too Aaron."

    Both of us did so.

    Jon proceeded to unleash another blast of lightning that struck Nightchilde in the face from approximately a foot from the dragon''s mouth. It sent her flying and into the side of one of the statues, Perun, before it collapsed on top of her. Nightchilde''s body shifted and twisted until it became a draconic humanoid, malformed with leathery wings and scales before slowly disintegrating into black mist that faded away into nothingness.

    "GOD SLAIN," Perun''s voice finally spoke.

    "Ding dong the witch is dead," Jon started singing, which was hilarious given he was a dragon and now had a much deeper voice. "Which old witch?"

    "The wicked witch!" Rachel said, clearly knowing the words. It seemed Nightchilde''s last speech had eliminated any sisterly bond she''d hoped to forge with her fellow deity. At least among these avatars.

    Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

    "Ding dong the wicked witch is dead," Jon said, puffing smoke from his nostrils.

    I turned to Jon, disgusted. "Have a care man. Nightchilde was the victim of a terrible curse. I cared about her deeply once."

    "Sorry," Jon said, surprised by my reaction.

    So was I, to be honest.

    "A moment of silence," I said, lowering my head. A second later, I raised my head and said, "Okay, that''s done. She''s gone where the goblins go!"

    "Below, below, below, yo ho," Rachel said, swinging her fist in the air. "Let''s open up and sing and ring the bells out."

    Rachel, Jon, and I all started doing the wave.

    "I don''t know the song you''re singing but I get the sentiment behind it," Ania said, looking around. She picked up some burnt flesh that had previously been part of her face but healed over. "Was I dead?"

    "Yes," I said, pausing. "Are you okay?"

    Ania stared at me. "I was just dead. So no."

    "Oh, right," I said, stretching out my arms. "You want a hug?"

    Ania stared then looked behind her and to one side. She looked at Jon and Rachel. "Turn away."

    Both did so.

    Ania hugged me.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Twilight of the Old Gods

    (50) A - Kill three of the Old Gods

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - We are honored by fight by Man again

    (50) A - Recruit the Elvish Armies

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - One Nation, Indivisible

    (50) A - End the Ledzianian Civil War

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Enemy of my enemy

    (50) A - Recruit both the Mad Queen, Dragon Queen, and Imperial armies

    MAIN QUEST UPDATED

    DEFEAT THE OLD GODS SERVING VELES (3/4)

    ASSEMBLE ARMIES TO FIGHT VELES¡¯ HORDE 2/3

    REWARD

    + 500,000 EXP (The Wind Demon)

    + 250,000 EXP (Zorya Nightchilde [Mad])<u>

    </u>+ 100,000 EXP (Recruit Imperial Forces, Bonus)

    + 100,000 EXP (Recruit Elvish Forces)

    + 100,000 EXP (Recruit Dragon Queen''s Forces)

    + 100,000 EXP (Recruit Mad Queen''s Forces)

    + 100,000 EXP (Jorg the Bastard Knight)

    + 70,000 EXP (Recruit Dark Moon Elves, Bonus)

    + 500,000 GP

    + Robes of the Dark Moon Goddess

    + Hat of the Dark Moon Goddess

    + Staff of the Dark Moon Goddess

    + Ring of Oaths

    Level 12 to 13

    700,000/ 1,125,000

    Wow, that was a lot of experience points. It was also enough gold to finish upgrading Crossroad to be able to resist just about anything. We were only missing one more army in the dwarves, assuming we really could get all of the people we''d "recruited" to join us. There was also only one more Old God, Belobog, left to defeat. Given the absolute hell we''d gone through to defeat Nightchilde, I was hoping taking him down would fairly straightforward. The chances of that happening were slim, though. Veles had to know that the tide had turned against his armies and if he wanted to win this war then it''d be better if he struck first.

    Which meant we had to cheat.

    "How long was I dead?" Ania asked.

    "Just a few minutes," I said.

    "It felt like an eternity," Ania said. "I was cosigned to the Realm of Oathbreakers and forced to do paperback."

    "What."

    "I was trapped behind a desk and people constantly brought pictures of me to sign," Ania said, making a disgusted face. "Some of them were erotic. Sometimes they wanted me to sign body parts. Other times they told me long and rambling stories about what my story meant or how they''d named their children after me. That was really awkward when they brought their children and erotic photos with them."

    "The Realm of Oathbreakers is UndermasterCon?" I asked.

    Ania grabbed me by the folds of my cloak. "You have no idea the horror of it. I want to feel alive. To feel the joys of life again."

    "Okay," I said, blinking.

    "We should fast travel back to Maelors and put the whole fidelity thing on hold," Ania said. "I''ll invite Angelica. I bet that Rusalka woman would want to join in too."

    "Uh, maybe we should wait a few hours until your head is back on straight," I said.

    "Aaron, I need touch," Ania said. "Right now I''m ready to invite your daughter.''

    "Okay, the incest jokes aren''t funny anymore," Jon said, pausing. "Okay, I''m lying, they''re still hilarious."

    Rachel paused then laughed. "Oh, you were kidding. Right. Ha, ha."

    "Can I cast a cleaning cantrip first?" I asked. "You have your own ashes on your face."

    Ania paused. "Yes."

    That was when Agata, Bloodstorm (wearing Epic DungeoneeringTM boxer shorts now),

    Alek, Joan, and Ivan rushed into the devastated cathedral.

    "Not now, guys," I said. "Kinda busy."

    "You defeated the Wind Demon and Nightchilde?" Bloodstorm asked, stunned. "Goddamn, I am sorry, Aaron. I really underestimated how much of a badass you are."

    "I am so sorry!" Joan said, waving her staff. "I betrayed you and apologize for everything that I did."

    "Don''t confess to anything," Bloodstorm said. "He might blow your head off."

    "Not cool, Bloodstorm," I said. "Not cool."

    "Fine, I forgive you for pardoning Ivan," Bloodstorm said. "Even though he hurt Agata."

    "I forgave him!" Agata said.

    "That makes it worse!" Bloodstorm said.

    Ivan coughed. "I feel a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. You have defeated the people who held my soul in check and--"

    "Do you want to be queen, Agata?" I asked.

    Agata asked. "What?"

    "Queen or Great Mother?" I asked. "We need a replacement for both."

    Agata blinked. "Great Mother."

    "Ivan, you''re going to be king," I said, staring down at him.

    Ivan paused. "I''m sorry, what?"

    "Don''t screw it up," I said. "We need an army to fight Veles. Joan, you need to bless him."

    "I need to make amends with Mythras first," Joan said.

    "You do that," I said, walking up to her and patting her on the head.

    "You know that''s punishable by death, right," Joan said, looking up.

    "That means there''s nothing worse you can do to me if I give you a noogie!" I said, waving my fist at her.

    "Ah!" Joan covered up her head in terror.

    "What about you, Alek?" I asked, looking at him.

    Alek stared at me. "There''s no point in trying to avenge Celeste, is there?"

    "You can avenge her," I said, "or you can honor her legacy by saving her people?"

    "What about both?" Alek asked.

    I stared at him. "You have a choice, Alek. Make amends for what you''ve done or be stopped."

    Alek nodded and removed his mark of the champion. "Take mine then."

    "Be a Dark Undermaster and make amends," I said, simply.

    "You''re very free with pardons," Alek said.

    "I try," I said.

    I walked over to Francine''s corpse and took her bracelet as her ashen hand crumbled when I picked it up. I possessed all of the marks of the champion now.

    Should I absorb all this energy and become a god? I asked Perun.

    Perun''s voice was silent.

    "Come on, Aaron! I want to bang and never think of elvish terrorism, oaths, demons, or crusades again!" Ania said. "At least until next week when we have to return to saving the world."

    Everyone looked at her.

    "Oh shut up!" Ania snapped. ¡°I just died!¡±

    ¡°Yes, it does have that effect,¡± Ivan said. ¡°I seduced two chamber maids last night. They thought the whole mind-switching, execution plot was fascinating."

    I looked at Ania and pushed away all the trauma and decisions I needed to deal with. "Guys, I''ll be back in....a couple of days."

    "We''ll be waiting," Agata said, looking down at the horror we were walking away from.

    ¡°Good,¡± I said, glad to take a break from the madness.

    At least for a little while.

    AARON¡¯S ADVENTURES WILL CONTINUE IN

    WIZARDS OF DRAGON KEEP

 Book Three - Wizards of Dragon Keep (cover and blurb)

    BLURB FOR BOOK 3:

    "So, we''ve got an army."

    "Yes. All of the Southern Kingdoms are united for our big battle with Veles."

    "Except, he''s not fighting us. He ran to Earth."

    "Yeah, I didn''t see that one coming."

    It is the time for the final battle between Veles and Aaron''s heroic band of misfits. Except Veles doesn''t show up. Unfortunately, this leaves Aaron holding the bag as the various factions he''s united have ended up divided. Worse, Aaron is slowly metamorphisizing to becoming a god and will soon no longer be able to be among mortals. Can his relationship to his loved ones'' survive? Can he defeat Veles before he''s bound by ridiculous rules against stopping him? Can he stop Jon from making incest jokes?If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

    WIZARDS OF DRAGON KEEP is the third volume of the Dark Undermaster Saga, a humorous send up of dark fantasy like Game of Thrones, The Witcher, and Dark Souls. It is a progression fantasy LitRPG that follows the adventures of video game computer programmer, Aaron Bartkowski as he is hurled bodily into the world of his favorite author, Larry C.C. Weis. Unfortunately, Weis turns out to have been much better at stealing from other, better, authors than he was in giving his heroes a break.

 Book Three - Wizards of Dragon Keep (cover and blurb)

    BLURB FOR BOOK 3:

    "So, we''ve got an army."

    "Yes. All of the Southern Kingdoms are united for our big battle with Veles."

    "Except, he''s not fighting us. He ran to Earth."

    "Yeah, I didn''t see that one coming."

    It is the time for the final battle between Veles and Aaron''s heroic band of misfits. Except Veles doesn''t show up. Unfortunately, this leaves Aaron holding the bag as the various factions he''s united have ended up divided. Worse, Aaron is slowly metamorphisizing to becoming a god and will soon no longer be able to be among mortals. Can his relationship to his loved ones'' survive? Can he defeat Veles before he''s bound by ridiculous rules against stopping him? Can he stop Jon from making incest jokes?

    If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

    WIZARDS OF DRAGON KEEP is the third volume of the Dark Undermaster Saga, a humorous send up of dark fantasy like Game of Thrones, The Witcher, and Dark Souls. It is a progression fantasy LitRPG that follows the adventures of video game computer programmer, Aaron Bartkowski as he is hurled bodily into the world of his favorite author, Larry C.C. Weis. Unfortunately, Weis turns out to have been much better at stealing from other, better, authors than he was in giving his heroes a break.

 Book Three - Chapter One - Arrested by the Government

    So, I was at a government black site.

    Possibly.

    I mean, I''d never been to one before and for all I knew this could have been just the interrogation room for something that was far from an off-the-books spy location. Hey, I could be interrogated here then dumped into a much, much worse place before I was dumped into some place even worse after that. Such was the life of Aaron Bartkowski, Dark Undermaster.

    Given I''d spent the past year in the fantasy world of Mokosh, I had obviously missed out on some events back on Mother Earth. Among these events seemed to have been the existence of magic being revealed, Veles becoming President of the United States, and absolutely everything going to shit.

    Yeah, that was a lot.

    Right now, I was sitting at a metal table with my left hand handcuffed to it in a Spartan white room with a two-way mirror. I was still dressed in my Dark Undermaster Master Ranger''s Armor, which made me look like I was cosplaying. They''d taken my weapons but didn''t do anything to suppress my magical abilities, assuming they could, so I had some advantages. Unfortunately, I was pretty sure that said advantages wouldn''t do much if they unloaded into me with Army assault rifles.

    I took a moment to check my stats, conjuring them up in front of my eyes even if no one else could see them.

    ARAGORN ¡°AARON¡± BARTKOWSKI

    LVL: 17

    CLASS: UNDERMASTER SORCERER (MASTER RANGER)

    ALIGNMENT: GRAY

    AGE: 34

    SEX: MALE

    RACE: HUMAN (Demigod)

    STR: 12 (19)

    AGI: 10 (11)

    CON: 11

    INT: 30

    WIS: 11

    COM: 15 (16)

    CHA: 15

    ARMOR CLASS: 27

    ATTACK: +9 (+19 to ATTACK, 1d10+19/23 [Undead] DAM, Sword of Perun [Lightning, Holy, INT bonus])

    HEALTH: 96

    DIVINITY: 7

    FEAT: Taunt, Sword and Shield, Two Handed Fighting, Tracking, Craft Magical Items/Recharge Magical Items, Leadership

    SPECIAL ABILITIES: ARCANE FIRE (1d6+13 INT bonus, Eldritch Damage, x3 Staff of Dragon Kings, Critical Hit Possible), BLOCK (requires shield), LESSER MAGIC (unlimited times per day), COUNTERSPELL, DIVINE ENHANCEMENT [Push]

    LESSER MAGIC EFFECTS: CLEAN SELF, CREATE FOOD, CREATE FIRE, CREATE WATER, MINOR ILLUSION, REFRESH, TELEKENESIS (1 Kilo per INT bonus), VENTRILOQUISM, MEND, TORCHLIGHT, SILENT WALK, IDENTIFY MAGICAL OBJECT, LESSER SENDING (Party Only), BLESS, SOOTHE ANIMAL

    SPELL LIST (MAX/5/5/5/5/5/3/3/2):

    [1] ARMOR, CURE, FRIENDSHIP, JUMP, PUSH [+++]

    [2] ANIMAL SUMMONING, ENTANGLE, SILENCE, WEB

    [3] CURE (II), LESSER CHARM, LIGHTNING BOLT, NEUTRALIZE POISON, SUGGESTION

    [4] BANISHMENT, CURE (III), POLYMORPH OTHER, DIVINE BOW, REMOVE CURSE

    [5] CURE (V), DRAGONBREATH, IMPROVED LIGHTNING BOLT, REVIVE, SUNSTRIKE

    [6] CHAIN LIGHTNING, GLOBE OF INVULNERABILITY, HEAL

    [7] AARON''S AWESOME BATHHOUSE, RAINBOW BLAST, RESURRECTION,

    [8] MASS UNDEAD SLAYING, PLANESHIFT

    SPIRIT SUMMONS: STOMPY, THISTLE, RUSALKA, ZORYA DAWNBRINGER, ZORYA NIGHBRINGER, SPARKY, LEGALLY DISTINCT COPY OF ASH FROM EVIL DEAD

    STATUS EFFECTS:

    * Alchemical Stone (White): You recover 20 HP after a short rest and status ailments

    * Blessing of Zorya Dawnbringer: +1 to AGL, +1 to AGI

    * Ring of Ogre Strength: STR is 19 when wearing this

    * Boots of speed: Double Movement Speed, Dodge Roll Bonus

    * Ranger¡¯s Mark: +4 to hit/damage against Undead

    * +4 to all Saving Throws [Divine]

    * Can cast PERUN''S DIVINE LIGHTNING BOLT once per day

    * DIVINE SENSES [Always Active, No Penalties to Environment]

    * Can grant 1<sup>st</sup> and 2<sup>nd</sup> level spells to priests and answer PRAYER [ACTIVE]

    Level 17 to 18

    2,000,000/3,000,000

    Almost 18th level.

    Impressive.

    Sort of.

    I''d never expected to make it past 12th level and that had been after I''d defeated the Wind Demon. That had all been in the first month of my time in the world of Mokosh. The next eleven months had been spent on busy work of monster slaying, petty questing, and level grinding while trying to build up an army capable of fighting Veles.

    It had worked, sort of, but now I was trapped here on Earth away from most of my allies. I was thinking about where they might be when the door to the interrogation chamber opened. A black suited man with mirror shades who bore a not-inconsiderable resemblance to Agent Smith from The Matrix walked in. He sat down across from me and put down a manila folder full of photos as well as documents.

    "Ah, Mr. Bartkowski," the man said, shaking his head. "It seems that you have gotten yourself in a spot of trouble, haven''t you?"

    "Yeah," I said, annoyed. "Listen, the world is in terrible danger--"

    "Mmm hmm," the man said. "So you''ve said. You claim that Epic DungeoneeringTM, the video game company, is plotting to conquer the world with the help of its former CEO, Andrew Veles. The President of the United States."

    "Yeah, how did that happen?" I asked. "Also, does no one notice that Andrew Veles is Peter Stormare? I mean, the resemblance is huge."

    "I''ll be asking the questions here," the man said. "You claim to have been on another world this entire time."

    If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

    "Yes," I said. "Mokosh. Earth''s sister planet."

    "Where magic is real," the man said.

    "You guys threw fireballs at me and captured me with SILENCE spells," I said.

    "Yes," the man said, drawing out the word like it was something foul in his mouth. ¡°Your associates managed to escape from what is believed to have been an act of terrorism. I don¡¯t suppose you have an excuse for what you were attempting to do.¡±

    This was probably going to go nowhere but I had to try. "Listen, those big tower things--"

    "The universal magical conductors," the man explained. "The UMCs. They''re the source of magic in our world. They''ve solved the energy crisis across the planet, global warming, and quite possibly will end scarcity."

    I stared at him. "Right, yeah. If the billionaires let you do that. Which they won''t."

    I wasn''t political. Well, political about Earth politics. I''d had enough problems trying to keep the lights on in my apartment without worrying about things way above my pay grade. It was one thing I was going to be glad of, missing the election year, since my parents were huge hippies that seemed to take everything personally while my bosses were all hardcore conservatives that did the same. My co-workers? Oh, they were a mixture of all the worst kind of internet warriors from both sides.

    Well, apparently, I shouldn''t have skipped this year''s election cycle because a bunch of insane shit had happened. Monsters had started pouring out of portals, people had developed powers akin to the X-men, and Andrew had substituted himself as an independent candidate after terrorists had killed a good chunk of Washington DC with a mystical nuke. Yeah, you couldn''t go home again it seemed.

    "You were saying about the towers?" the man asked. "The ones you wanted to blow up?"

    I glared. "I don''t suppose I should be asking a lawyer."

    "That''s hilarious," the man said. "Please go on."

    I sighed, trying to figure out how to convince the authorities I wasn''t insane. At least I didn''t have to convince them that magic was real. "The UMCs are part of a big-planned ritual that is going to destroy two worlds. He''s--"

    "Andrew Veles," the man said. "The man you claim is actually the Slavic god, Veles."

    I balled my fists. "Yes, him. He''s one of the creator gods and more powerful than almost any other in this galaxy."

    "Interesting," The man said. "You also claim to be a god, as I understand it?"

    I hadn''t mentioned that in my early attempts to talk my way out of this. It seemed high charisma only got you so far when dealing with government bureaucracy. "That''s complicated."

    I stared at the two Marks of the Champion on my arms. They were the creations of Larry C.C. Weis AKA The Wiseman and each contained a fragment of Perun¡¯s divine essence. They were the last of the existing marks and if I absorbed them, well, then I¡¯d cease to be a demigod. Instead, I would become a full-fledged god. Probably not anywhere near as powerful as Perun had been at his height but something beyond human.

    Which is why I hadn¡¯t.

    Was it selfish? Probably. I¡¯d developed a life in Mokosh that transcended what I¡¯d lived here on Earth. I was married to Ania, in spirit if not law, and my family was living there as well. If I became a god, I was afraid I would lose the fundamental things that made me human. Worse, I was worried that it wouldn¡¯t be enough to defeat Veles. There were other gods out there, Mythras and Svarog for example, but they hadn¡¯t taken up the fight against Veles. Still, the temptation was there, and I had to admit it was hard to resist when we seemed so close to defeat despite all our accomplishments.

    "Of course it is," the man said, contempt in his voice. "Tell me, Mr. Bartkowski, do you really think that your army of fairy tale characters and Dungeons and Dragons heroes has the slightest chance of defeating the United States military? Especially when it''s allied with the Dark Dimension Army?"

    I stared at him. "I don''t need to fight the United States military. I just need to get to Veles."

    The man snorted. "You really think that''s an option."

    I stared at him. Something was very wrong here. "What is this? Who are you?"

    Before I could get a response, the lights turned off and everything became a foggy gray around me. One of the benefits I got from being a demigod was DIVINE SENSES, which amounted to the fact that I could see in the dark and never be confused by noise or distractions.

    That was when the man across the table pulled out a set of keys and unlocked my handcuffs. "Okay, we''ve got to get going, Aaron!"

    "What the hell?" I asked, confused as fuck.

    "Psych! It''s me!" Jon''s voice spoke from the secret agent. "How did you like my Agent Smith impression?"

    Jon was clearly enjoying his dragon ability to shapeshift.

    "I fricking hated it!" I said, staring at him. "Is this a jailbreak?"

    "Yes!" Jon said, throwing his hands in the air. "We need to get going!"

    I was about to comment on how utterly stupid it was to try to infiltrate a government base when we were trying not to get involved in a fight with them before I realized, oh wait, I was the only member of my party who had a problem with getting in a fight with the United States government. Everyone else was either from another planet or thought they were living in a real live version of Red Dawn.

    Before I could express how extremely upset I was at this development, I started hearing gunfire followed by the explosion of magical blasts. Alarms started going up across the base and I knew things had gone from bad to, "Yeah, we were now trapped in a Call of Duty level."

    Reacting as reasonably as I could in the situation, I reached across the metal table and grabbed Jon by the shirt before pulling him across the table. "What the hell do you think you''re doing?"

    "It''s okay!" Jon said, smiling in a way that made me think Hugo Weaving had grounds to sue. "All the people in the base are already dead!"

    "What?" I asked, staring at him.

    "Yeah, it turns out that Veles is turning huge chunks of the planet into wights with a super advanced version of deathrot," Jon explained. "So, there''s like no moral issues whatsoever with blowing the hell out of them on our way out."

    I stared in horror.

    The two-way mirror in the room was smashed open as a trio of lab-coat wearing scientists dropped their glamours and revealed rotting hideous undead faces on the other side. It was like something from Resident Evil or, well, zombie mode from Call of Duty.

    Jon pulled out a pistol and aimed it straight forward. "Die you mothersuckers!"

    He fired a half-dozen bullets in a few seconds, pulling down the trigger as he attempted headshots on all three.

    All his shots missing.

    I stared at him.

    "Sorry!" Jon said, looking ashamed. "I''ve never actually used one of these before."

    The three wights climbed over the broken glass and charged me. Their expressions all unified in their desire to kill me.

    "PUSH," I said, absently, lifting my hand and blasting the three of them with a massive blast of kinetic force that splattered them like rotten bananas against the back of the room. "So, just so we''re clear, I let myself get captured for nothing and the US government is probably now composed of a bunch of mind-controlled undead?"

    "You let yourself get captured?" Jon asked.

    "Yeah," I said, annoyed. "I was hoping to inform the authorities so we could resolve this peacefully."

    Jon stared. "Wow, Aaron, you are the smartest man in the world and such an idiot at the same time. Yes, the government is compromised and the people are completely unprepared for the zombie apocalypse about to happen all around them. Really, the UMCs blowing up the world is probably a quicker death than the T-virus thing that Veles will do otherwise.¡±

    I frowned. ¡°Well, I guess its time we get out of here and finish blowing up those things.¡±

    Jon nodded. ¡°The first intelligent thing you¡¯ve said since we started this. We need you to finish this race, Aaron.¡±

    I slapped my best friend on the shoulder. ¡°You got it.¡±

    ¡°Otherwise, who am I going to make incest jokes about?¡± Jon asked. ¡°Speaking of which, have I mentioned your daughter is the one who made the plan to rescue you? The one who isn¡¯t technically blood related to you?¡±

    I cast SILENCE on Jon.

    So, how did we get here?

 Book Three - Chapter Two - Just a Wee Bit of a Backtrack

    Yeah, i probably jumped ahead too much.

    Suffice to say, things are going to get a bit anachronic. You know, like Pulp Fiction, this whole thing is going to be told out of order. Why? Well, reality is going to get/did get/is getting broken because of a bunch of things I don''t even know where to begin explaining. Magic. Veles. Time Travel shit. Really, it''s like Final Fantasy, you think you''ve got a good idea as to what is happening before the plot starts becoming completely nonsensical.

    Anyway, back before my entire world was falling apart, say about a month''s time, I was still relatively in control of the situation. Things were much more normal.

    Okay, that''s a lie.

    Things were normal only in the sense of normal being the life of a LitRPG hero or high fantasy protagonist.

    Which I was.

    Technically.

    I was travelling with my adventuring party through the air-filled parts of an underwater city underneath ?niardwy, which was the largest lake in Ledziania. It notably shared the same name and location as the largest lake in Poland, which was another sign that Larry C.C. Weis was completely unoriginal.

    One element that was different was the one in Poland had a depth of about twenty-one meters, which was deep, don''t get me wrong. The ?niardwy in Ledziania was closer to a kilometer deep and, as mentioned, contained a vast city inhabited by the Rusalka, mutated humanoids, and a variety of other aquatic creatures.

    This was the former Grand Temple of Water and the final location for our war against the Old Gods. It was composed of beautiful spiral towers, Grecian buildings made of marble, and a bunch of twisted structures that had no real human architectural equivalent. It was also wholly corrupted by the influence of Beloblog AKA Cthulhu.

    Right now, my party was in the middle of the Grand Temple''s antechamber to Belobog''s summoning room. In the previous three temples (one of whom we''d skipped entirely), wits and deception had gotten us past most defenses. This time, we''d pretty much had to brute force our way through. My seven-man group had fought our way through mermen, kelpies, water horses, naga, vodniks, living oozes, slime monsters, and mud monsters, elementals, and what I was pretty sure was Ursula from The Little Mermaid.

    We were almost to Belobog now, so the forces of the Water Demon had regrouped to throw everything else they had at us. The thing was we''d taken on the Old Ones out of order and taken our time to level grind. We''d been completely overwhelmed fighting Chernabog and Zorya Nightbringer but here? Here, we were actually doing pretty well. Which, of course, meant something was about to go disastrously wrong.

    "Cthulhu fhtagn!" One of the squid priests shouted as he shook his coral staff at me while displaying his bare chest with drenched robes around him. A seashell necklace hung around his neck. "Ph''nglui mglw''nafh Cthulhu R''lyeh wgah''nagl fhtagn!"

    The antechamber was a four-story tall room with a giant pair of golden doors facing north, a bunch of moist red tapestries hanging from the walls, and a set of stone steps leading up the doors with a moldy red carpet. Yeah, the Grand Temple of Water had seen better days. Light was providing by glowing crystals on the wall as we were presently being swarmed by dozens of squid-faced ogres under the command of the mutated priests to Belobog. There were also a few slime monsters that were totally not shoggoths as well as, I shit you not, a few evil giant starfish. How did I know they were evil? Because they kept trying to eat me.

    "Okay, this is bullshit," I said, hacking through the tentacle-faced ogres that the squid priest was siccing on me. "What the hell does H.P. Lovecraft have to do with Polish mythology? The guy feared Welsh people, let alone Eastern Europeans. At least Robert E. Howard wasn''t afraid of slightly less Anglo people than Medieval Londoners."

    "Just go with it, Aaron!" Jon said, punching his fist through the head of one of the ogres. He was now enjoying his new shapeshifting abilities and had assumed what I suspected was an idealized version of his human self. He looked a bit like a young Keanu Reeves dressed in a white gi like Ryu from Street Fighter. The fact he was a dragon now should have meant he was less useful in human form but, well, he''d been an 18th level bare-fisted monk before he died. "You''ll enjoy this world a whole lot more once you stop questioning how little sense it makes!"

    "I dunno. I wonder about the intricacies of all this. Was HP Lovecraft inspired by this world or did Veles decide to mutate his son into something resembling the author''s most famous creation? Is it perhaps an attempt to harness the collective psyche of Earth''s modern mythology to make a more effective evil?" Bloodstorm said, hacking and slashing with his golden axe given to him by Mythras. He was a seven-foot-tall black man of mixed ogre and elvish ancestry that looked like an Adonis of muscle if you ignored his large bull horns as well as slightly pointed ears. He''d let his hair grow out long and was dressed in a new set of armor that mostly looked like belts with a loin cloth.

    "What the hell is wrong with you people?" Ania said, wearing a tight leather catsuit with a cleavage exposing top that looked equally impractical for combat but had been enchanted with magic to work like Kevlar. She was a beautiful redheaded woman who I had been crushing on, at least her fictional version, since I was a teenager. "Focus on the task at hand!"

    "Talking is a free action according to the rules of the divine concordat!" Rachel Morning, my sort-of daughter, said. She was a beautiful girl with her own distinct resemblance to Ania, red hair and pale skin, but a goofier girl next door sort of beauty. Rachel was wearing a red witch''s hat and robes while carrying a crystal tipped staff.

    Oh, and she was a reincarnated goddess of war as well as sex.

    Rachel blasted one of the giant starfish that attempted to engulf her, exploding the thing into so much seafood. She had replaced Agata as our chief spell lobber and was someone who could throw down with the best of them. Unfortunately, her presence caused a lot of questions and misunderstandings. After all, she hadn''t existed until less than a year ago and was vulnerable to corruption by the Twisted Ones.

    The penultimate member of our group was a white-haired girl with pig tails wearing a hooded white robe trimmed with gold and solar symbols. A group of ogres were attempting to bang their clubs against her but a glowing shield surrounded her, providing a lot of room for us to maneuver while they were distracted. That was Pope Joan the First of the Church of Mythras, a fifteen-year-old girl who I hated bringing into battle but was every bit as powerful a wizard as me.

    Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.

    "We are close to facing down the Water Demon!" Joan said, proudly. "We must reserve our strongest spells to defeat him!"

    "Easy for you to say!" Jon said, kicking an ogre with an impractical somersault kick that made me wonder where he''d learned these crazy martial arts or if they were just another sign of how ridiculous this world is.

    "Screw it," I said, seeing that there were even more monsters coming in. "CHAIN LIGHTNING!"

    The chief squid priest shouted a warning of alarm before trying to COUNTERSPELL the effect, only for him to get a knife thrown into his throat from seemingly nowhere. That was my cousin, Alek, who had used his ring of invisibility to clear a way through much of the Grand Temple ahead of us only to botch the final stretch due to an ALARM spell put on the privy.

    Those always seemed to screw us in the end.

    Either way, the lightning shot from my fingertips and leap frogged from one ogre after another as well as several other unidentifiable creatures. The blast took down almost a dozen in the end and gave my team the edge they needed to rush on the wounded to finish them off. From there, I cast WEB against the door the reinforcements had been coming through. The steel-like spider goop wouldn''t hold them forever, but it might allow us to finally get to Belobog''s chamber. Which was, when you thought about it, an insane thing to hope for. We wanted to bring the giant corrupted god''s avatar into existence so we could kill it. It was the only way to finish off the Old Gods and stop Veles from feasting on Mokosh''s power.

    Ania took a moment to pause for breath before staring at the many corpses in front of us. "Did anyone else think that was too easy?"

    Jon turned to look at her. "Hell no!"

    "I agree," Bloodstorm said, frowning. "That was way too easy. This temple should be crawling with Veles forces but is strangely underpopulated."

    "Underpopulated?" Jon asked, shaking his head. "We''ve probably killed two hundred guys since the alarm started."

    "Which is pretty small for a city full of evil monsters," Ania said. "Agata and the Dwarvish Navy were supposed to lure their forces out so we could strike Belobog but there''s nothing more than a token force guarding this place."

    "I hate to agree with Ania on this but she''s right," Alek said, disengaging his invisibility spell. Unlike Tolkien''s One Ring, it wasn''t perfect and worked more like the Predator''s light-bending effect. Super-duper camouflage rather than actual invisibility. The real Alek dressed in army fatigues, a bandana, and resembled a bearded version of me. Which wasn''t surprising since we were brothers biologically despite being raised by different parents.

    No, you don''t get to call us brother-cousins.

    "Shut up," Jon said, looking at Alek. His look was one of disgust and anger, which I''d hoped would have gotten better over our time together but hadn''t. "You don''t get to contribute to this conversation. You''re like our Scrappy Doo. No one wants you here and we''re only tolerating you because Aaron likes you."

    "I like him!" Rachel said, cheerfully.

    "You can''t fuck your uncle either, Rachel," Jon said.

    "Aww," Rachel said, always undercutting Jon''s attempt to gross her out by acting like she was into that sort of thing. "He looks so much like dad too."

    At least I hoped she was acting.

    "Seriously, both of you are horrible," I said.

    Rachel smirked.

    "Personally, I think of myself as more your Sixth Ranger," Alek said, smirking.

    Everyone stared blankly.

    "Seriously, no one watched Power Rangers?" Alek asked.

    "Sorry," I said. "Never saw a single episode. That''s the one with the girl from Felicity, right?"

    Alek sighed.

    "Even with the much-diluted forces we''ve faced here, we''ve expended a large amount of magic fighting them. We might not have the remaining strength to fight Belobog," Joan said, remaining laser-focused on our goal. The events of La Tiene had left her traumatized and she still hadn''t fully recovered from being willing to betray her god to bring back her mother. Something that had, in the end, been all for nothing.

    Joan didn''t even like being referred to as Pope anymore, which was a shame since like six Antipopes had been appointed by the various feuding Emperors back in the Empire. Mythras was willing to forgive her but Joan wasn''t willing to forgive herself.

    "I have some potions of refreshment," I replied. "We should take some of those before make a direct assault. Either that or take some time to hang around in AARON''S AWESOME BATHHOUSE."

    "Did you have to name it that?" Ania asked, staring at me.

    "What?" I asked. "It''s a sauna."

    "Yes, full of elemental sexy people," Jon said. "You realize it''s a wizard spell for sex, right?"

    "It''s for relaxing!" I said, frowning. "Safety at night rather than a campfire. Maelor taught it to me and said it was a perfectly valid military resource."

    "Soldiers like to fuck too, Aaron," Alek said.

    "Are we not supposed to have sex with the bathers?" Ania asked, unwittingly paraphrasing the Eddie Murphy classic Coming to America. "It''s not cheating if they''re spirits. Err, not that I am. Because Aaron and I are monogamous."

    Everyone looked at her.

    "You''re not fooling anyone," Bloodstorm said. "My sister Angelica has told me you''ve managed to break Aaron out of his shell. Her, Winter Chill, Shakra the Goblin, and Theresa Miller. It''s all over Dragon Keep."

    "Mrs. Miller?" Jon asked, mocking me. "For shame, Aaron! She is a married woman!"

    "Her husband turned out to be gay," I said, defensively. "Ania and I were just providing a comforting service."

    "Oh wow, you believed that?" Ania asked. "No, Klaus is just terrible at sex."

    I stared in horror.

    "Yeah, your attempts to win Ania over from the Charlie Sheen/Lindsay Lohan lifestyle aren''t working great," Jon said. "Real bang-up work in converting her."

    "I''m going to say mocking him for that isn''t the flex you think it is," Alek said, crossing his arms. "It''s a bit like insulting Vin Diesel for being badass and a Dungeons and Dragons nerd."

    "Yeah," Jon said, sighing. "Just doesn''t have quite the same punch as the incest jokes. Also, shut up, because you suck. You''re the Star Trek: Discovery of our franchise."

    "I don''t even know what that means," Alek said.

    "You suck!" Jon said.

    "I like Discovery," I muttered.

    "No one likes Discovery!" Jon said.

    That was when there was an enormous creaking that didn''t take much to figure out was coming from the giant golden doors in the chamber. Suspecting we were about to fight Belobog or more of his minions, all of us assumed battle stances. From within, there was an eerie incandescent white light that obscured anything beyond.

    That was when a spectacularly beautiful older woman with a voluptuous figure, long black hair, and olive skin stepped out of the light. She was dressed in a single wrap around her body that displayed her belly and was almost translucent. On her head was a five-pointed crown covered in purple sapphires that glowed with witchfire. Her fingers were also all covered in rings.

    I recognized the woman from the fact that I''d had to work on her digital model for several months while still employed by Epic DungoneeringTM. It was the Witch Queen of Angho¡¯horak, most powerful of all sorcerers in the Southern Kingdoms after the gods themselves and (possibly) the Wise Man. She was notably the ruler of the Thirteen and the first Lich, which really took away a lot of her attractiveness. She was, even more than a vampire, a very pretty corpse.

    "Well, this is going to make fighting Belobog harder," I muttered, lifting the Sword of Perun.

    "Hey, Suzie!" Jon said, waving.

    I glared at him. "Suzie?"

    "You didn''t think her name was Witch Queen, did you?" Jon asked.

    "I hadn''t really given it any thought to be honest," I said, sarcastically. I was, however, ready for the fight of my life. The Witch Queen had destroyed whole armies with her magic and come perilously close to conquering Mokosh on multiple occasions. I''d say she was the Saruman to Veles'' Sauron, but I wasn''t sure that she wasn''t the Sauron to his Morgoth.

    "Do not fear, Aaron Bartkowski," the Witch Queen said, "I do not come here as an adversary."

    "You created the death rot," Ania said. "You killed millions. Also, you slept with Jon and I''m not sure which is worse."

    "Hey!" Jon said, irritated. He paused before turning back to her. "Okay, I admit, that''s actually pretty funny."

    "Where''s Belobog?" I asked.

    "Preparing to attack Crossroad with all the armies of darkness," the Witch Queen said. "Veles has abandoned this world and gone to yours."

    I blinked. "Okay, maybe we should start from the beginning."

    See, I told you this was going to get confusing.

 Book Three - Chapter Three - Weve been suckered

    "What do you mean he''s attacking my world?" I asked, staring at the Witch Queen in horror.

    "Technically, she said he''s attacking Crossroad with Belobog leading the armies of darkness," Bloodstorm corrected. "Suzie just said that Veles went to your world. For all we know, he''s just decided to retire in Florida."

    "He''d fit right in," Jon said, pausing. "Which isn''t me being political. I meant he''s old and prone to doing weird stuff."

    "Don''t ever explain the joke," I said, looking at Jon before turning back to the Witch queen. "Also, back to my world being attacked."

    "Your parents are at Crossroad," Ania said, reminding me of its importance. "So is your sister and nephew."

    "Which is why I''m not worried too much about it," I said, somewhat exaggerating my feelings.

    The Witch Queen stared at us, a look of barely contained fury in her Monica Belluci-esque eyes. "The God of Evil has betrayed his followers. With the tides of battle turning against us and the alliances forged among the Five Races, he summoned his power to transport himself across oceans of space to Mokosh''s sister world."

    "Yeah, who could have possibly seen that coming," Ania said, sarcastically. "What with him being the God of Evil."

    Yeah, I loved her attitude. I didn''t think it was going to help with the 60th level Wizard, though. They planned to buff her for the next expansion too.

    The Witch Queen didn''t seem offended, though. "I expected to be taken with the rest of the followers he brought with him across the Star Bridge on Bald Mountain''s summit. Instead, Belobog and I have been left to merely provide interference for you. To soak up the wrath of the gods and their minions, you, while he moves to his plan to destroy the two worlds."

    "Yeah, that''s a pretty awful plan," I said.

    "I didn''t object to it when I was going to survive," the Witch Queen replied. "Once you know an afterlife objectively exists, it takes some of the sting out of murder."

    I grimaced. "Should it, though?"

    The Witch Queen did not acknowledge me but continued on as if I had been silent. "But I was abandoned like so much refuse despite having been my master''s most faithful follower since the first Great Darkness. I did not wish to believe he was corrupted by the Twisted Ones but his oathbreaking and betrayal of our marriage can have no other explanation."

    "Either that or he''s just not into you," Rachel said, showing she was the only one of us strong enough to still sass her.

    "It''s terrible," Jon said. "I offer my body for your comfort."

    "Seriously, she''s a death lord," Ania said. "That''s necrophilia."

    "If I can''t tell, I don''t care," Jon said.

    "And yet you mock Aaron for wanting to bang his spiritual daughter," Bloodstorm said, shaking his head.

    "I do not!" I snapped. "Also, seriously, you don''t get to make incest jokes. That''s restricted to Jon and Rachel."

    "Why Rachel?" Ania asked, confused.

    "Because she''s deeply scary despite looking like a guest star on Critical Role," I said.

    Rachel waved her hand as if acknowledging she was there whle we talked about her. "I based my appearance on Aaron''s sexual partners from when he was con clubbing."

    "Kill me now," I muttered. "Except you, Witch Queen, because I worry you''d take that offer seriously."

    "What an odd group," the Witch Queen said, blinking once. "I find it very difficult to believe you defeated three of the Old Gods and have driven Veles from this world. Nevertheless, it is difficult to argue with results. I come here to bring a warning of the attack as well as propose a detente."

    "I''m listening," I said, staring at her face and trying to see past the glamour to the corpse below.

    "You can''t be serious," Ania said. "She''s one of history''s greatest monsters."

    "Let''s focus on Hitler before worrying about Stalin," I said. "Any war where one party chooses to bow out is one where you should let them."

    "First, that''s not actually true if the enemy intends to take you out after you exhaust yourself fighting their enemies," Alek said. "Second, Stalin didn''t really work out where for Poland. You know, my homeland."

    "I''ll happily negotiate on our behalf!" Jon said, cheerfully.

    "Do not think I come here empty handed," the Witch Queen said, conjuring a large weathered scroll held together by a black ribbon with a tiny rat skull. She proceeded to hand it to me.

    "What''s this?" I asked, reluctantly taking it.

    "It is the true names of the gods you slew," the Witch Queen said. "It took me millennia to find them and give Veles power over his offspring."

    "Gee, thanks," I said, unsure what I could do with it.

    "It''s why the Zoryas needed to change their identities on a basis level," Rachel explained. "Every time they were defeated, Veles just asserted his will over them and reinfected them with the Twisted Ones power."

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    "Ah," I said, not really sure. "But Rachel and Nightchilde aren''t affected by this anymore. Right?"

    "No," the Witch Queen said. "But it should allow you to not only summon shadows of their past avatars but also Belobog once you defeat him. Chernabog will not be able to be summoned because you destroyed his spirit. It will be a century or more before he regenerates."

    "Yeah, couldn''t have happened to a nicer guy," I muttered. "Why would you give this to me versus keeping it for yourself?"

    "Aaron, don''t look a gift scroll in the Evil Queen who gave it to you''s mouth," Jon said. "Just accept Maleficent is on our side."

    "For now," Ania muttered.

    "They''re worthless to her," Rachel explained. "The kind of summonings she''s describing could only be performed by someone with sufficient divine blood."

    "Just another sign of privilege in action," Jon said. "Wait, Bloodstorm, Alek, Ania, Rachel presumably...am I the only one here who isn''t a demigod?"

    "I''m the Chosen of my God," Joan said. "But just the bastard daughter of royalty."

    "Oh boo hoo for you, Schoolgirl Daenerys," Jon said. "You''re lucky I have standards or you''d be subject to vicious mockery."

    "You have standards?" Joan asked, appalled.

    "Hey, I haven''t once made a jailbait wait joke--" Jon started to say before I blasted him in the face with a minimum power ball of Arcane Fire. "Ow! What the hell?"

    "Pavlov had a solution for you," I replied. "We''ll see if it works. But Witch Queen--"

    "Susanos," the Witch Queen corrected.

    I blinked. "Really? Um, okay, sure. I''m not sure I''m really comfortable with a gift of necromantically controlling the ghosts of dead gods."

    "You are facing one of the creator gods," Susanos said, as if talking to an especially slow child. "Being able to summon the lesser deities may prove to be the difference between triumph and defeat for the Two Worlds. Besides, the gods will be incredibly grateful to you for freeing them."

    "So, we could summon Zorya Dawnbringer for a threesome?" Ania asked, very deliberately exaggerated in her horniness. "Ooo, maybe Zorya Nightbringer for a foursome now that she''s no longer insane?"

    "Ooo sounds great," I said. "What if we invite some priestesses of Mokosh or Dark Moon priestesses?"

    "Nah, we need to keep it reasonable for our bed size," Ania said. "Three times a day for sex is enough. Maybe with REFRESH, though..."

    "Gah!" Jon said, covering his ears and walking away, saying, ''lalalala."

    I smirked, watching him leave earshot.

    "Do you think we should ever tell him that we''re not actually screwing other people?" Ania asked, watching Jon leave.

    "No, it drives him crazy since he found out that dragons only have a month out of every five years mating cycle," I said, amused. "Like Vulcans."

    "Yeah, I know that island," Ania said, nodding. "Rachel is a devious mastermind."

    "Thank you," Rachel said, curtsying.

    "You guys are evil," Alexi said, smirking. "The fun kind."

    "Happy to help with the rumors," Bloodstorm said. "Though I don''t get what''s weird about any of that."

    "Are you sleeping with anyone but Agata now?" Ania asked. "Your wife?"

    Bloodstorm looked to one side. "That is completely different."

    Yeah, they were married now. I was a jealous. Just a bit.

    Rachel looked to me. "As hilarious as I find this whole conversation, I should note that the scroll of true names would also contain the methods for summoning other spirits aligned to you."

    "Other spirits?" I asked.

    "Thistle, the Bastard Knight, Francine Dubois..." Rachel trailed off.

    "Ehh," I said, pausing. "I''m not exactly fond of any of those people right now."

    Rachel sighed. "Stompy."

    "Oh God, yes," I said, clutching the scroll tighter. "I''ve missed him so much."

    Rachel rolled her eyes.

    "Yes, the perfect justification to start employing the dark arts: you want your horse back," Ania said, pausing. "Okay, yeah, that makes sense."

    "Stompy is a good horsie!" I said, feeling a little like a kid in a Western.

    Susanos felt her face and sighed despite having nonfunctional lungs. "I''m afraid we''re going to have to wrap this up."

    "We don''t want your help, Susanos," Ania said, turning to her. "You''re as much a threat to this world as Veles. I''ll gladly see you stay out of this war, though."

    "You will need my help if you want any chance of destroying the armies of Belobog," Susanos said. "Veles only took a few hundred agents with him as well some of his most powerful artifacts. The rest of his vast empire of corpses, mercenaries, and slave soldiers have been sent on Crossroad. It''s nothing more than a distraction that will lay waste to Ledziania and maximize the casualties of the people."

    It was a reminder that Veles, despite how charismatic and congenial he was in person, was a real pile of crap. I could imagine the armies of Mordor straight out of Peter Jackson''s films moving through Ledziania, destroying and burning everything in their path. A military assault that would do nothing more than serve as a spiteful genocide that would distract us from chasing him. Well, if we were lucky. It was more likely it would kill us all. We''d have to gather all of the forces we''d forged alliances together to defend Crossroad and that would be like herding cats.

    "What do you get out of this?" I asked, still wondering what angle she was playing.

    "Revenge," Susanos said. "That is enough but also the knowledge that if Veles falls then there will be a place for a new Dark Lord to replace him. I can''t rule the world if he destroys it and if I am not to be Queen of Hell, I''d rather be Queen of Everything."

    I was about to say that wasn''t very reassuring when the entirety of the temple chamber rocked. Little bits of dust started falling from the ceiling as water began to drip from holes sprouting across the walls.

    "Well, that''s not good," I said, looking down to my ring of water breathing as well as belt of super swimming. All of us were sporting them. These had been invaluable for our attack down here.

    "No, it is not," Susanos said. "The fanatical priests of the Water Demon have started undoing thespells protecting the city to try to drown you as well as crush you under the lake''s immense pressure."

    "You got the spell to keep us from suffering the bends, right?" I asked Joan.

    Joan nodded. "I admit, decompression sickness wasn''t something I normally think about memorizing spells for."

    "Smartest man on Mokosh," I said, tapping the side of my head. "We need to fast travel out."

    "You won''t be able to do that," Susanos said. "The Water Demon''s priests are also the least of your worries."

    "What do you mean?" I asked, looking at the death lord in confusion.

    "This is a trap," Alek said, cursing under his breath. "He knew we''d eventually come here to slay Belobog, so he arranged for us to get to the central chamber before bringing the whole place down on us."

    "Yes," Susanos said. "But to make absolutely sure you don''t escape, he also placed a thermonuclear device in Belobog''s summoning chamber."

    Alek and I stared.

    "Veles has nukes now?" Jon asked. "Why the hell hasn''t he used them already?"

    "He only has the one," Susanos said. "Best to use it wisely. In any case, he has arranged no teleportation or escape as the Grand Temple of Water is to be polluted with radiation as well as fire. Again, my husband is a very spiteful being."

    I stared at the golden doors and started to march to them. "We have to disarm it."

    Susanos stopped me with her hand held up, palm facing outward. "It is too late for that, Aaron Bartkowski. The only thing preventing your total obliteration now is my TIME STOP spell over it."

    I stared. "How long?"

    "Less than a minute," Susanos said. "Now do we have an accord or do I teleport away by myself?"

    I stared behind her and saw there was, in fact, the top of a Soviet ICBM. Veles certainly didn''t scrump when he decided to go all out.

    "We have an accord," I said.

    Ania clenched her teeth. The others looked like they trusted me, which should have been more reassuring.

    "Good," Susanos said, waving her staff just as everything went white.

 Book Three - Chapter Four - Royal Pains

    "Oh, mother sucker!" I said, clutching my eyes.

    Everything was white and I still couldn''t see a damn thing. Which wasn''t a good thing when you saw a nuclear explosion.

    "It''s alright," Joan said, beside me. "You''re just blind."

    "Just blind?" I asked, stunned at her insensitivity. Then I remembered she was a woman with access to casual magical healing. Hopefully, magical healing that would work in taking care of my issue.

    "Yeah, hold on," Joan said. "CURE BLINDNESS."

    That was when everything slowly moved its way back shapes and then colors. I blinked several times as I looked dowm upon Joan. "Okay, it really is much better to have magical healing than the alternative. Though I am ninety-percent sure my mother''s plan to introduce pencillian to Ledziania is a good idea."

    "Is that her weird idea we need to eat powdered fungus?" Joan asked, holding the side of my head. "Because I''m still not down with that."

    "You have pizza in the Empire," I said, looking at her. "You also put mushrooms on everything."

    "That is completely different!" Joan said.

    "Ahem," Ania cleared her throat. "We have bigger issues to deal with right now."

    I shook my head and turned around to see my party had teleported to the edge of the lake where there was a pair of massive waves splitting from the center. Hundreds of feet tall and spreading in opposite directions. Thankfully, well away from us.

    The Ledzianian ?niardwy was surrounded by a vast forest and we were not that far from the camp where King Ivan III and King Wotanson had assembled their forces.

    "I''m pretty sure that an explosion a kilometer underwater wouldn''t cause that," I said, pausing. "But I admit I do not know the exact science of nuclear physics as related to magical fantasy worlds."

    "Hold up your thumb!" Jon said, having assumed his raven form and sitting on my shoulder. "Also, if it blinded you, what''s the chances you are utterly cooked with radiation? And by you, I mean me, since we''re focused on what''s important here."

    "You were caught mid teleport but while light struck you, actual radiation did not," Susanos said, drawing my attention.

    Susanos had dropped her glamour and no longer looked like a glamorous Southern European movie star. Instead, she looked more like the horrifying desiccated corpse she was. Susanos was still dressed in her wrap and crown but in the words of the great Ash Williams, she''d got real ugly.

    "Yeah, but light is radiation," I pointed out, walking over to the lake''s edge and splashing my face a few times. I dropped the scroll of true names on the ground because, well, it was not as important as whether or not I''d be dead of cancer tomorrow.

    "Try shapeshifting a few times," Rachel said. "That should reset your genetics."

    "Would that work?" I asked.

    "It''s an interesting puzzle," Rachel said, adjusting her witch''s hat. "Magic fundamentally obeys the laws of physics in the context of simply being a new element of cause and effect adding to the existing world."

    "Yeah, it works like programming language," I said, going and picking up the scroll. "You fuck with the engine too much and it breaks but it works fine if you acknowledge how it all works together."

    Ania put two fingers in her mouth and whistled. "Please. Can we focus on the end of the world? Or worlds in this case?"

    "We''re always focused on the end of the world," Bloodstorm said, taking a deep breath. "I also don''t want to die of poisonous magical energy. So I''m all down for any folk remedies that will cure us. Turn me into a dog and then back. I like dogs."

    "Ha!" Jon taunted. "I''m surviving this no matter what. The crow wins."

    "Are you a crow or a raven?" Rachel asked, curiously. "You identify as both but they''re distinct birds."

    "Yeah, but the thing that distinguishes them most is the sounds they make," I pointed out. "Jon speaks English."

    "True, but they also differed in tail, bill, flight pattern, and size," Rachel said. "I''d argue he''s kind of weirdly in-between and that was before he became a dragon."

    "Maybe we could get him his own species name, Ledzianian corvus," I suggested.

    Ania stared. "So, yeah, clearly we aren''t focusing on the end of the worlds despite my request. How long do we have until the Crossroad is attacked by Belobog?"

    "Three days," Susanos said. "The armies of the dead do not tire, hunger, or thirst. Belobog mindlessly marches to his master''s tune because he has been the one most affected by the Twisted One''s corruption. He only desires to cause as much pain and suffering for his master as possible before being put down."

    "Great," I muttered. "What kind of help can you offer us?"

    I''d been under duress when I''d agreed to an alliance with the Witch Queen but war was rarely a situation where you got do things without duress. Indeed, virtually every treaty and surrender were made under some form of it. You didn''t agree to these things just because. Right now we needed to figure out how to deal with whatever Veles was doing on my world. I had visions of The Walking Dead, nuclear war, and worse dancing through my head.

    If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    Like most evil dictators, Veles couldn''t be counted on to act in a perfectly rational and sensible way but that didn''t necessarily mean he was less dangerous. Much of our struggle against him had been defined by the fact he was treating all of this as an enormous game. I wasn''t even the person he was playing against. Veles had been playing against Larry C.C. Weis and the fact I''d "wasted" a wish by demanding he stick to the rules was something I didn''t truly trust. Basically, we had no idea of knowing what he''d do next.

    "I have assembled the surviving members of the Thirteen," Susanos said. "I have destroyed the ones who refused to accept my leadership. That, unfortunately, gives me only a tenth of the undead forces assembled by Belobog. I am working on convincing the goblin kings of the Death Mountain to join me as well. That is hard, however."

    "Why?" I asked.

    "Because they are too busy celebrating their god leaving," Susanos said. "They also sensibly believe that if Belobog destroys much of Ledziania then they can claim the depopulated surface for themselves."

    They may find that humanity decides to pay them back for that," Bloodstorm said. "Assuming, you know, other humans don''t invade them for the exact same reason."

    I grimaced as that was a reference to our biggest failure so far in the past year. Something so bad that if I survive to write a LitRPG trilogy detailing my adventures, I would leave off page. We''d tried to recruit the Viking Rus to join our army and Bloodstorm''s people had proven to be utterly intractable. For a so-called proud warrior race, none of the Jarls or petty kings had wanted to waste their soldiers on something like saving the world.

    Not even bribery and playing them against one another had accomplished anything. I had thought I was pretty good at winning people over but, in the end, the Rus had beaten us through the power of sheer selfishness. We''d had more luck recruiting the Empire and elves to our cause. Ironically, the dwarves had just said yes immediately. It didn''t really warrant a story either for opposite reasons.

    "They will accompany my forces because of another race of Veles'' creation accompanying them," Susano said, surprising me.

    "Who?" I asked, confused.

    "The ratkin," Susano said. "They are a vast empire underneath the ground, one with uncounted numbers but no desire to serve anyone until now. They will join the cause of defending your race but you have to pay their price."

    "Me?" I asked.

    "Yes," Susano said, her skull face unreadable. "They wish you to be their god."

    "Their...god," I said, making sure I understood her properly.

    "Nice work if you can get it," Jon said. "Sit around on your ass all day and take credit for when things go right as well as how things going wrong are mysterious ways."

    "Which is absolutely true," Joan said.

    "You poor thing," Jon said.

    "You remember you have divine blood too, right?" I asked Jon. It was a requirement to use the Marks of the Champion properly.

    "Nope! Completely forgot," Jon said.

    "You''re dodging the question," Susano said. "The ratkin are deeply impressed with you for some reason."

    "I stopped a few genocides and forced Ivan to repeal the bounties on their head," I replied. "Killing them is now murder. It apparently wasn''t before."

    Susano was silent for a moment. Her eye sockets glowing with an eerie witchfire. "I actually didn''t think there would be a reason. Curious."

    "Yeah, they even had a holy war underneath Crossroad," Bloodstorm said. "Kept the population numbers down when they couldn''t decide whether Aaron preferred Star Wars or Star Trek."

    "None of them even knew what those movies were," I muttered, feeling immense guilt about the whole thing.

    "Another sign you make a great god," Jon said.

    "Except you are not a god," Susano said. "Not yet. You have not claimed the power of the marks."

    "It''s complicated," I said, looking at Alek.

    "Is it?" Alek asked, giving me no support.

    Alek had given me his and essentially forfeited his collective divine power and chance to be a god. I hadn''t absorbed it, though, for multiple reasons. One, I''d nearly been overwhelmed by the previous attempts. Two, I figured it would get Veles to take off the kid gloves and just straight up kill me. A reason that had never been particularly convincing even before Veles had started throwing nukes at us. Third, I didn''t want to be a god. I didn''t want to return to my boring humdrum life of being an office drone working on bug fixes for a company that turned out to be owned by someone literally (and I use the term literally as it should be used here) worse than the Devil. I was enjoying my life as the Dark Undermaster''s overmaster and Lord of Dragon Keep with Ania at my side. I wasn''t sure I had it in me to sacrifice everything and that wasn''t a very heroic attitude.

    "It is the nature of fools to believe the seeking of power is somehow immoral by itself versus how that power should be used," Susanos said.

    "No offense, lady, but that would come across a lot more sincere if it wasn''t from the second in command to Emperor Palpatine''s god," I replied.

    "Told you that the Warsian ratkin were right," Rachel said to Jon.

    "You haven''t seen Aaron drink one beer and then go into a lengthy rant about smashing both Kira and Jadzia from Deep Space Nine," Jon said. "I almost respected him after that. It makes me wonder what sort of statues the ratkin will build in their cathedral sewers."

    "I told you that in confidence," I muttered, pausing. "Admittedly, in front of an entire bar of inebriated patrons."

    "It wasn''t exactly a secret," Ania muttered. "I know far too much about that show that I cannot watch and would have no interest in if I could."

    "Yeah, you''re not going to make it as a couple," Jon said, shaking his head. "He could handle the fact you''re an assassin but not disliking DS9. Personally, the thinking man knows Ivanova is God."

    I ignored the obvious bait. "We''ll see about that. Defeating Veles is my top priority. Do you know what his plans are for Earth?"

    Susanos chuckled, which sounded like a cartoon villain with a reverb. "I know that he wishes to destroy both worlds but in such a way that all the souls of both realities come to him as well as empower him to be as powerful as Triglav."

    "Who is Triglav again?" Alek asked.

    "God," I replied. "With a capital G, or at least legally indistinguishable from our mere mortal perspective."

    "Technically, I suppose he''d be considered closer to the Demiurge of Gnostic mythology in that he''d be--" Rachel started to explain.

    "No other gods would be able to stop him and he would be able to rewrite reality as he sees fit," Susanos said. "An ambitious plan if not for the fact that if

    the Twisted Ones have truly corrupted his heart, then he will simply end up destroying all reality."

    "It would have been so much better if he just intended to conquer the universe by killing it," Ania said.

    "Yes," Susanos said. "You will have to return to your world, Aaron Bartkowski. However, you must thwart Belobog''s actions here first."

    "Why?" I asked, knowing that it probably wasn''t because she was afraid that millions would otherwise die.

    "Because I live here," Susanos said, lifting a skeletal hand. "For the value of living."

    "Right," I said, staring at. "You bring your army and tell the ratkin they''ll get what they want."

    "Aaron..." Ania trailed off.

    "The only delay will be dealing with Veles," I said, staring.

    "Excellent," Susanos said, before vanishing. No puff of smoke, no flash of light, or even a swarm of bats. Nope. Just one second she was there and then wasn''t.

    Ania looked at me. "Are you going to just agree to work with every awful person as long as it brings us closer to Veles'' defeat? Maybe? Are you willing to sacrifice your future?"

    I stared at her. "I learned it from you. You said we should do everything in our power to defeat him. Even if it meant our deaths. You said there was nothing beyond it."

    Ania blinked, opening her mouth then closing it. "Maybe that was before I had something to lose, Aaron."

    I shrugged. "Yeah, it seems to be that way, doesn''t it?"

    I walked off to go talk with the kings and Great Mother.

 Book Three - Chapter Five - The Needs of the Many

    The camp for the Grand Allied Ledzianian Army was a collection of mercenaries, conscripts, volunteers, refugees just glad to have a job that fed them, and hangers on. It was, in simple terms, not exactly the biggest bunch of winners you''d ever seen assembled to fight the good fight. However, professional armies were also a distinctly modern invention and getting them up to even this level had been a product of months.

    If nothing else, sparing Alek''s life despite his murders and involvement with Veles had gone a long way to organizing the military in such a way that the decade long civil war''s devastation to Ledziania''s forces was no longer as overwhelming as it had been. It had cost me dearly as a lot of people hated Alek and justifiably considered him a war criminal.

    But you didn''t betray family.

    No, I wasn''t imitating Vin Diesel with that thought.

    Much.

    One interesting thing about the Grand Allied Ledzianian Army was the fact that it was fairly mobile. In addition to horses, a huge chunk of its facilities were wagons and carts aided by magical means. Thanks to the defeat of Zorya Nightbringer, the Sorcerers of the Wind Temple had added to their power to the Priestesses of Mokosh as well as the Elf Battlemages. That meant that, logistically, things moved far faster.

    I just wasn''t sure they''d be fast enough.

    Walking into the circles of wagons, tents, and extradimensional houses was a bit like entering into a Renaissance Fair or circus. There were colorful flags, banners, and even cages with enchanted animals. There were other Dark Undermasters and while none of them were as experienced as Ania, my parents had done a pretty good job of recruiting and putting them through boot camp.

    "I don''t trust the Witch Queen," Ania said, leaning in and whispering to me.

    "No kidding," I said, wondering if she thought I did.

    "I just hope you''re not going to do your thing," Ania said.

    I stopped midstep. "My...thing?"

    "Sleeping with relatives?" Jon asked, having resumed his human form.

    "That happened once!" I said, referring to Zorya Dawnbringer before remembering Zorya Nightbringer. "Twice. Also, only if we count Perun as my great-grandfather. Which I don''t."

    "Like I said, sleeping with anyone of divine ancestry is not incest," Rachel said. "Not that I''m dropping hints."

    I sighed. "You are so funny, Rachel. But if we''re going to hash this out, what do you mean?"

    Ania frowned. "I mean, you''re not going to try to recruit her, are you?"

    "You mean Hitlerina?" I asked. "No! I draw the line at genocidal dictators."

    "Do you?" Ania asked.

    "Yes!" I replied.

    "Good," Ania said, crossing her arms. "Because I was worried you might try to redeem Veles. I saw the ending of Return of the Jedi with you."

    "Veles isn''t my father," I said.

    "And the Rise of the Skywalker," Ania said.

    "Dammit, Aaron, why would you do that to her?" Jon asked.

    "I''m not Adam Driver either," I replied. "Apparently, genocide can be overlooked when you''re sufficiently hot."

    "She''s a very hot monster!" Jon said, raising her hand. "I offer my services to seduce her back to the side of good."

    "She''s a skeleton, Jon," Alek said. "The fleshy bits are where the fun is."

    "No one asked for your opinion, Solid Snake," Jon said.

    "Is that supposed to be an insult?" Alek asked.

    "Maybe!" Jon said. "I''m trying to figure out one that doesn''t make Aaron look awful too. Stupid ridiculously handsome warrior dude. Grumble, grumble."

    Yes, he said grumble.

    "Aaron! You''re alive!" A familiar voice spoke, drawing my attention. "Praise Mokosh!"

    Three figures were nearby, well, eight, containing the Royal Guard in their faceless red plate mail. The person speaking was none other than the Great Mother of the Sisters of Mokosh, Agata Rose. She was a tall and beautiful raven-haired woman dressed in a shimmering blue gown that contrasted with the fact she was visibly nine months pregnant.

    In defiance of the fact that Sisters of Mokosh were not supposed to get married, Agata had broken her oath for a second time and wedded Bloodstorm in secret. Thankfully, I don''t think it was against the rules anymore since she was now the head of her religion.

    Sisters could now get married with special dispensation from the Great Mother. Which, hey, worked out for them. Another reason that I was jealous of Bloodstorm and Agata. It was also why she wasn''t adventuring with us for the past nine months. No, she just had the easier job of leading armies. Man, the gods made the Rose family tough.

    Standing beside Agata was King Ivan the Third AKA Ivan Crookback, who was presently dressed in a military uniform that more resembled a WW1 officer combined with a Third World dictator than a Medieval fantasy despot''s. He did, however, have a silver crown that marked him as head of Ledziana. Ivan wasn''t the "real" Ivan from the books but a kind of hybrid with the late Prince Cezary. Either that or just a brainwashed Cezary wearing Ivan''s old body. He was, however, our ally and someone who''d followed all of my "suggestions" on how to win the war.

    The third was Captain Crunch.

    No, seriously.

    This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

    Sort of.

    King Krunch Wottanson was dressed in a bright blue uniform with no beard but a gloriously thick white mustache as well as broad Napoleonic hat. He was the Lord Admiral of the Dwarvish Navy (they had a lot of ships in the underground oceans of Mokosh) but preferred to go by Captain when on one of his vessels. I''d been fairly certain I was being punked when he first showed up but Captain Crunch had more or less ignored all my vague cereal references. Mostly because John Harvey Kellog hadn''t an equivalent here in order to make breakfast cereal a thing.

    "We bid thee greetings, Overmaster," Ivan said, using the royal wee.

    "Ahoy, laddies!" Captain Crunch said, waving. "Are ye responsible for the giant forking wave of scalding hot water that splashed me and mine ships? If ya were gonna blow up da damn underwater city, I''d wish ya''d told me! I wouldna bothered to break out the wessels."

    Yes, that was how he talked. It was the kind of accent that wandered from Michael Myer''s Fat Bastard to Pavel Chekov with no actual real life equivalent in-between. It was, however, how dwarves seemed to talk in Ledziana or at least under it.

    "That was Veles making use of, uh, anti-materia bomb," I said, deciding not to mention anything about nuclear physics around anyone here. Despite their mostly Medieval aesthetic, Ledziana was closer to Eberron or a magical steampunk society when ala Discworld when it wasn''t suffering a decade long civil war alongside a zombie apocalypse. The idea its sorcerers could figure out how to split the atom with magic and start lobbing nukes at one another wasn''t likely but I''d accidentally triggered a volcanic explosion in my time here, so it wasn''t beyond the realm of possibility either.

    "Don''t worry, we managed to deal with at least a few soggies," Jon said, clearly still finding humor in a joke I thought was long beaten to the ground.

    "Ugh," Captain Krunch said, scowling. "Ah forking hate dem damned things. Da naked water spirits and their fornicating filthy flabbing aboot."

    Okay, now he was sounding Canadian.

    Jon grinned, apparently missing that Captain Krunch was assuming soggies was a slur against Rusalka. "In any case, we managed to get all the way to Belobog''s chamber before Veles blew the place up. Thankfully, we were rescued by--"

    I raised my hand. "By me and Ania''s quick thinking."

    I wasn''t going to be able to hide allying with the Witch Queen from the other monarchs, especially if she showed up with her own personal army of the dead. However, I''d learned a few lessons about diplomacy in the past year and one of them was to never share more information than you have to until the ink is dry on any agreement.

    Literally.

    I was happy to tell Agata and Ivan but I''d want to speak with Captain Crunch (seriously, I couldn''t think of him any other way--I''ve tried) in private along with the other monarchs. I just needed the best way to phrase it like, "There''s a civil war among Veles forces and we should let them fight like Godzilla versus the Tarrasque." Probably without specifically mentioning those particular beings in the context of the explanation.

    "I mean I was referring to the Witch Queen coming to tell us that Veles has left Mokosh and gone to our home planet," Jon said, completely missing my hint. "Belobog was left behind with the majority of Veles'' undead army, though, so we have to stop it before it destroys Crossroad and then presumably the rest of Ledziana. On the plus side, she''s agreed to bring her own horrifying forces to help us against them in a way that in no way probably will result in her backstabbing us at the eleventh hour."

    Goddammit Jon.

    Agata moved to embrace Bloodstorm before exchanging a short glance with him then turning back to me. "That is a lot, Aaron. Please tell me you haven''t decided to pardon the Witch Queen and attempt to redeem her."

    "Thank you!" Ania asked, as if agreeing with her sister for the first time in her life.

    "No!" I said, offended. "Why does everyone keep asking that?"

    "Because it''s a very ¡®you¡¯ thing to do," Agata said. "Like the fact you invited our aunt''s murderer to join the party."

    "I assume you''re referring to me," Alek said.

    "Sometimes I even imagine I can hear him," Agata said, ignoring Alek. "You also invited Jorg the Bastard Knight who tortured Ania."

    "I didn''t invite him," I said. "I invited Francine who invited him."

    "You forgave your own rapist," Ania added.

    "Thistle didn''t sexually assault me," I said, pausing. "She just bit me as a vampire-succubus."

    "Vampire bites cause immense pleasure as a means of disabling victims," Bloodstorm said. "I''m pretty sure that qualifies. We don''t actually nitpick these things on Mokosh."

    "Mostly, we just toss vampies on the barbie," Captain Crunch said, now inexplicably Australian sounding. "Burn, baby, burn."

    "Oh and you made Ivan king," Ania said. "Despite him also torturing us."

    I paused. "I didn''t make Ivan king."

    "You really did," Ivan said, chuckling. "You could have been the one wearing the crown but you''re so allergic to power that you preferred to put the nearest body on the throne versus attempting to rule yourself."

    I stared at him. "You also might want to recall the oath you made to do what I say. Especially given what proceeded it."

    Possibly the worst thing I''d ever done in my life was an act of torture that would have made Spawn or the Punisher blanch. Specifically, I''d killed Ivan before using my newly acquired RAISE DEAD ability to bring him back. It had put the fear of god, or demigod in my case, into him. I wasn''t proud of what I''d done but it had gotten Ivan to cooperate on a lot of things.

    "I recall it," Ivan said, frowning. "But you should also know that our positions have changed a great deal. You can''t just threaten the king."

    I stared down at him.

    Ivan looked at his bodyguards who looked aside.

    "Really?" Ivan asked, clearly disappointed. He should have checked to note that they''d all been hired by Agata.

    "Sorry," I said. "But it occurred to me that we may not actually be able to trust you."

    Ivan sighed. "It seems I must continue to be your marionette for some time."

    "I like your style, Garland," Captain Crunch said. "Wicked and cruel. So, we''ve got the Skull Bitch on our side and Veles isn''t here? That''s nothing but good news as far as I''m concerned."

    "Not if we can''t assemble all our forces to defend Crossroad," I said, frowning.

    "Your hometown isn''t the war, lad," Captain Crunch said. "Crossroad being lost would be a tragedy but you should also be prepared to lose it."

    "Let''s burn that bridge after we cross it," I said, noting that I''d spent the past year pouring vast amounts of recovered wealth into building it up into the kind of fortress that could stand against Veles armies.

    "Mobilizing all of our forces to arrive in time is going to be the biggest issue," Agata said. "Your attempts to get the Old King''s portal network means that we''ll be able to get about half of our forces there in time but I''m not sure we can stand a siege and everyone else will be cut off then. Destroying Belobog might be the only way to disperse the army."

    "My people''s navy travels through magic," Captain Crunch said. "But we won''t be able to help much in a landlocked city."

    "You got them up here," I said, pausing. "Which is more than I expected."

    "Sacrificing Crossroad is perhaps the best thing we can do as long as the capital remains intact," Ivan said, showing the kind of attitude that I''d come to expect from him.

    "The capital is on the way to Crossroad," Alek said, pointing out a simple fact of geography. "We can possibly assemble our forces to defend Crossroad but we can''t possibly do it for Akoa. Honestly, the best hope we can have for the capital is hoping the armies of Belobog ignore it to destroy Crossroad. But it''s very likely they could smash it on the way."

    Ivan stared. "Godsdammit."

    "We should have tried to get the nuke from Veles," Jon said, haphazardly. "I think all moral considerations regarding nuclear warfare go out the window when fighting Cthulhu and his army of zombies."

    "Eh, if you nuke Cthulhu, he comes back after four rounds and is now radioactive," I sighed. "I don''t need to remind you that this is probably a distraction from whatever Veles is planning."

    "You''re right to worry about your world, Aaron," Ania said, looking at me. "But you should also realize your family is here."

    Ania reached up and touched my face.

    "I know," I replied.

    Ania kissed me passionately and I kissed her back.

    "Ugh, romance," Captain Crunch said. "It wouldn''t be so bad if y''all humans weren''t so weirdly proportioned."

    I pulled away. "I have one more card left to play."

    "Ah, yes, the Pwiffle card game," Captain Crunch said, nodding. "I''ve been wondering if I would get a chance to challenge you to a match."

    I took a deep breath. "Not quite. Joan, Rachel, Agata, could you accompany me to the Temple Tent? I think we need to contact the gods."

 Book Three - Chapter Six - The Gods Must Be Crazy

    The Tent of the Gods was, as you probably could guess, the mobile temple of the Ledzianian army. This was a bit of a sore spot since Mythras worshipers were monotheists, traditional Ledzianians were polytheists, Rus worshiped the Aesir, elves worshiped the three goddesses, and the dwarves of this world only worshiped Svarog even though he was part of a pantheon of literally related deities. The Temple of Mythras having been on a "convert by the sword and flame" kick for the past couple of generations hadn''t improved relations between the groups either.

    Really, the result of my efforts to create peace among the religions had achieved great things. The clerics of virtually every faith believed I was a heretic now and called for my head. It had gone a long way to legitimizing King Ivan III, Agata as Great Mother, and Joan the First of the Mytharium.

    Why?

    Because every single bad decision and mistake they made could be attributed to my evil influence. I called it "The Rasputin Effect." Well, technically, they were still attributing it to Garland and the Dark Undermasters as a whole. It turned out that group wasn''t necessarily the most popular one in the world either, which you''d think it would be since it literally hunted monsters for a living, but it seemed a bunch of dark magic using knights tending to invite paranoia. If we managed to defeat Veles, we''d probably end up suffering the same fate as the Knights Templar. The burned at the stake part, not the becoming Ubisoft villains one.

    Either way, my solution for the Tent of the Gods was to basically make it resemble a hospital chapel. Which was to say include a bunch of vaguely spiritual things like candles, altars, and pews while not actually putting any explicit references. It offended everyone who was genuinely religious, including people in my party, so I knew I was doing something right. There were a couple of people currently praying here and one Mythran priest preaching that every single person who worshiped another god than Ahura Mazda was going to kill.

    Except Mythras, obviously.

    He didn''t count.

    "Alright, everyone out!" I said, entering through the tent flaps. "Private meeting for the people out to save the world."

    An old toothless grandmother who helped with the army''s wash spit on the ground in front of me and said something in a language not even the mark of the champion could translate before walking past me.

    The red priest pointed at Joan and said, "You have disgraced the faith of the god and lied down with heretics, False One! Our god will punish you with eternal damna--"

    "POLYMORPH OTHER," I said, pointing at him.

    The red priest transformed into a rabbit before my eyes, looking scared and confused before hopping away.

    "Aaron!" Joan said, looking up. "That was not good."

    "At some point, I stopped giving a shit," I said, trying to access my mark''s menu and only getting static. "Anyway, I set the polymorph to wear off after a few minutes. Hopefully, no one will turn him into hassenpfeffer in the meantime."

    "I think that was one of the more liberal Mythran priests," Agata said, watching him depart.

    "Good job, Aaron!" Rachel said, cheerfully. "You''re finally getting into the spirit of being a god."

    Joan sighed. "A split among the Mytharium seems inevitable. I don''t know how the faith is going to survive if we do not possess unity."

    I paused. "Yeah, I''ve got some news for you, I''m pretty sure that religions fighting one another are fine. Yes, including ones that worship the same god and who are arguing over nothing."

    Joan looked up. "That makes no sense."

    "Yes, you''d think their god would intervene," Agata said, appalled.

    Jon flew into the tent and landed on a nearby pew''s back. "Yeah, well, second hottest pregnant lady after Demi Moore, our world operates by different rules."

    "I was wondering when you''d get around to that one," I said to Jon.

    "I was saving it until she was showing enough," Jon said. "Fun fact: birth-related mortality is almost zero in this world because of magic. It kind of makes you think about this world."

    "Yes, we''ve established your world is terrible. Especially for women," Agata said, illustrating the old proverb grass always being greener.

    Except the opposite of it.

    "Hey, some women have it good," Jon said, pausing. "I''m pretty sure Madonna is okay. Jennifer Lopez is doing well. The Queen of England."

    "She died," I pointed out.

    "What?" Jon asked. "No! What will happen to her dogs?"

    I shook my head. "Let''s focus on what we''re here for."

    "Which is?" Joan asked, looking up.

    "You want to summon the other gods," Agata said. "As if they were individuals who were yours to bring forth."

    I shrugged. "It''s more like a family chat."

    "Do you really think they''d answer?" Agata asked.

    "They will," Rachel said, surprising me. "Joan has the ability to summon her god for an audience and my mother will come for Aaron."

    Agata frowned.

    "He is as close to Perun as exists now," Rachel interrupted. "You could probably summon her as well, Great Mother."

    "I''m hesitant..." Agata muttered. "I have broken my sacred oaths twice."

    "I do not believe my mother would hold your marriage against you," Rachel said. "After all, she was married twice. She would probably bless your child as well."

    Agata smiled. "Thank you."

    "She''d also probably want to have sex with you and your husband," Rachel said.

    Agata''s eyes widened.

    If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

    "Not to question the physics of how sex at this stage works but is it like a medicine ball between you and Bloodstorm or...AH!" Jon said.

    That time, it was Joan flinging a book at him. She''d picked it up from one of the pews. I was really surprised at how many books they had in the Southern Kingdoms. Apparently, the printing press was one of the steampunk (clockpunk? powderpunk? Sailpunk?) things that separated it from the Medieval era.

    "We''re running out of time and while prayer is usually a last resort, I want to see if we can get any help we can," I said, before adding, "Besides, with Veles gone, they might be more willing to directly intervene."

    "You realize that''s directly accusing the gods of cowardice, right?" Rachel said, raising an eyebrow.

    "I''m not accusing them of cowardice," I said. "I''m accusing them of apathy."

    Yeah, I''d gone from being an atheist to a believer to a guy deeply frustrated with the divine. I liked some of the gods, Mokosh and Rachel in particular, but only Perun had shown himself willing to get their hands dirty in the fight against Veles. Admittedly, this had resulted in Perun dying and being unable to be reborn. So maybe they had a reason to be wary about trying to fight a creator deity head on.

    "They''ll also accuse you of coward and apathy," Rachel said, softly.

    "Is that your opinion?" I asked, knowing Rachel was a god.

    "You are not a coward, Aaron," Rachel said. "You are, however, afraid of godhood."

    "We need a new Perun," Agata said. "Perhaps you are the one who is destined for that role."

    I stared at her. "I''m not Perun."

    "No," Rachel said. "You''re not nearly as big an asshole as my other father."

    Joan drew a line in the dirt in front of the tent flaps and cast a barrier spell in the language of the Empire. She''d learned how to do some spells by just saying their name, something that should be impossible for anyone but a mark wielder but defaulted to the "old" style of elaborate incantations when she had time to do them.

    "There, that should keep any unexpected visitors from arriving," Joan said, looking at Jon. "Well, other than the ones we already have."

    "You''re going to rule high school when you grew up dear," Jon said. "Regina George will have nothing on you."

    "Aaron showed me that movie on his magic box," Joan said. "The one who looked Ania apparently became an alchemical powder addict?"

    "Eh, I don''t see the resemblance," Jon said. "Eh, other than hot redhead who would rule the local prison."

    I sighed and walked up to the center of the tent. "Okay, here goes nothing. HEY YOU GUYS, CAN WE TALK!"

    All of the other tent occupants looked at me with skepticism.

    "What?" I asked.

    Jon covered up his face with a wing.

    "We''re here," a surprising voice spoke, male and with a slight aristocratic flair.

    Standing there in front of the tent the altar were three figures. The first of them was a spectacularly handsome golden-skinned man with black hair as well as glowing golden irises. He was ripped in a way that would make most body-builders envious and sporting the armor of an Imperial Centurion. A pair of laurels rested around his head despite the fact he was a Persian deity rather than a Roman one. Well, originally. Mythras was an imported deity the same way the Abrahamic God was. I didn''t think of anything of it since I was an immigrant to Ledziana. I admitted, though, there was a humorous element to the fact that he distinctly resembled Tom Cruise and despite having a ripped body, was a little on the short side.

    Next to Mythras was the ravishing beauty of Mokosh, Goddess of Love, Motherhood, and the world that carried her name. Mokosh was notably an idealized beauty for the standards of her world as opposed to Earth''s Western sensibilities. Which was a sideways way of saying Mokosh was short, plump, and had plenty in both front as well in the back. She was dressed in a revealing toga and by that I meant I could see through it. Modesty was not a quality that she possessed or had passed to any of her children.

    The third figure was one that I''d seen in visions but never actually met in person. The resemblance to Mythras was tremendous in terms of how they were built but utterly absent in the face as Svarog was a bit on the homely side and resembled John Rhys Davies'' Gimli. He was bare-chested save for a forgemaster''s leather apron and sported a pair of dirty linin pants. Unlike Mythras, he also proudly boasted many scars and burns across his torso. Something he might have avoided if he''d worn a shirt while forging. I couldn''t tell what his eyes looked like because he had a pair of anachronistic blackened goggles on his face.

    Joan and Agata got on their knees. Rachel stood.

    "Hey," I said, waving.

    "You could at least bow, Aaron," Mokosh said. "Really? Hey?"

    "Sorry," I said. "But you didn''t exactly go out on this either. No angels, no ''be not afraid'', or burning bush."

    "You also summoned us in the middle of a non-denomination tent by shouting," Mythras said. "The least you could have done is sacrifice a bull."

    "Seriously, what is with you and bulls?" Svarog asked.

    "I hate bulls," Mythras said. "They''re ornery, smelly, and nasty creatures."

    "Yeah, but you can''t have a barbecue without them," Svarog said. "In any case, Aaron, consider this a onetime acknowledgement of your heroism. If you want to seek our counsel again, you''ll have to come to us."

    "You want me to come to heaven?" I asked.

    "Sky Realm," Mokosh explained. "Which is their home not mine. I live here on Mokosh. Sky Realm is the home of the gods. Heaven is where good humans go and that''s in the Underworld. Seriously, Christianity is like 50% wrong in terms of the planes and it''s all Dazhbog''s fault."

    "I don''t acknowledge that name anymore," Mythras said. "Also, they were ripping me off! I could have been huge, but Constantine just had to see that damn cloud shaped like a cross. "Yes."

    Wow, that was a deep cut.

    "Try a game called Planescape," Mokosh said, pointing at me. "It''s a setting by the board game people and is 85% how reality actually works."

    "That is horrifying," I said, without missing a beat. "Wait, is Odin going to show up? He''s the only other god I know and I was hoping he''d involve himself."

    I''d met him briefly during the whole Rus incident and things had gone badly when Freya had decided to make him jealous.

    And Thor''s mom.

    Who was Mokosh.

    Yeah.

    Awkward.

    "Wotan is sitting this one out," Mythras said, annoyed. "He''s still pissed at you for preventing the apocalypse."

    "He''s mad at me for preventing the apocalypse?" I asked, confused.

    "There''s only so long you can await the end of the world before you want to get it over with," Mokosh explained. "They''ve been torturing Veles'' avatar in Loki for centuries and his escape should have been the start of things."

    "No kidding," I said, not even bothering to note that Veles and Loki had no connection in normal mythology. Same with Mythras and Dazhbog. Sometimes I honestly thought the gods were less the actual beings they claimed to be and more like the Vorlons. Aliens who were pretending to be gods and just claiming the names of whoever was convenient.

    All three of the gods stared at me.

    Rachel facepalmed.

    "Right," I said, looking away. "I need to learn to block my thoughts, don''t I?"

    "Yes, Aaron," Mokosh said. "Either way, we''re willing to help you against Belobog and his armies. However, there''s a quid pro quo necessary to maintain universal balance."

    Why was I not surprised?

    "We can transport all of your armies through portals to Crossroad and allow you to fight them directly," Mokosh said. "You know, despite the fact that you made my sacred lake radioactive for the next hundred years."

    "That was Veles!" I said. "I mean, probably. I''m pretty sure the Witch Queen arranged that whole thing."

    Svarog nodded. "You''re on the money there, Aaron. We knew after Veles and Mokosh divorced that he was going to do something stupid. Hooking up with a gold-digging Goth chick, though? I knew that was going to end up fucking him over in the end. She was always in the mood for a magical sugar daddy."

    "So much of the world makes more sense now that I know what the gods are like," Jon said. "It was a real mistake having religion depict you guys as perfect non-anthromorphized beings."

    "Blame Mythras," Mokosh said. "Seriously, it''s his hanging around the Romans. All of the ego of the Greek gods and then trying to whitewash the flaws away. No, Ares, I''m not going to forget what a douchebag you were just because you''re calling yourself Mars now."

    Mythras glared at her.

    Joan whispered to Agata. "Do the gods just appear this way because it''s how Aaron sees them?"

    "Yes," Agata said. "That is what I''m telling myself at least."

    "We will also send you, after you have defeated Belobog, to the Earth along with your friends," Mokosh said. "My sister, Mat Zemlya, has been bound by Veles magic. He gained enough strength from me to be able to hold her down while also blinding us from what is going on there."

    "How do you know what he did if he''s blinded you?" Jon asked.

    "Magic," Mokosh said, in a ''ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer'' way.

    "Ah," Jon said.

    "What do you want in exchange?" I asked, suspicious of their generosity.

    "We are almost restored," Mokosh said. "But I want my daughter back. For that, we need a new host for Zorya Nightbringer. Agata, you have a child on the way."

    Agata''s eyes widened in horror.

 Book Three - Chapter Seven - Your First Born

    I didn''t get a chance to react to the outrageous statement by the gods before Agatha, the most noble and self-sacrificing of us, answered for us.

    "Get fucked!" Agatha growled, hissing at the deities.

    "Yeah," Jon said. "I think the story in the Torah went slightly different. Mind you, I imagine in the original Hebrew, Abraham was told by God that it was ''just a prank, bro.''"

    I looked at Jon. "Honestly, that actually is how it ends."

    "Really?" Jon asked.

    "With a lamb and everything," I replied. "It also has the historical context of being a statement that the Hebrew wasn''t going to require human sacrifice unlike the contemporary Assyrian and Canaanite faiths."

    "Shut up!" Agata said, looking at me. "We are not giving up my child."

    I looked at her confused before remembering my neuroatypical qualities could sometimes be construed as callousness. "No, obviously not. Sorry, that''s a deal-breaker and I stand by Agata."

    "You would put the life of a single unborn child up against the tens of thousands of people who will die otherwise?" Svarog asked.

    I paused. "Yeah."

    "All because she is your friend?" Svarog asked.

    "I mean, I''d probably not be down with human sacrifice either way," I replied. "We''re also pretty far along development wise and she''s protective of her child to be so that kind of eliminates any grey area--"

    "Don''t drive away half your audience, Aaron," Jon said.

    "Right," I said, sucking in my breath. "I have Agatha''s back and I think if you start compromising your values one thing, you''ll start compromising them on--"

    "Take me instead," Joan said, standing up. "I will gladly give up my life for the people of Ledziana."

    "No," Mythras said. "I am not sacrificing my Chosen One so that my cousin, Zorya Nightbringer, can live again."

    "I failed you, milord," Joan said, looking down at the ground. "I was willing to make a deal with that odious harlot in order to bring back my deceased mother. I must atone and will do anything to prove myself again."

    "So your idea of atoning for working for Nightchilde," I said, referring to her by her human avatar''s name, "is to help resurrect her?"

    Joan blinked.

    "Also, it would be the second inappropriate body that a goddess Aaron banged would be stuck in," Jon said.

    "Who is he?" Svarog asked.

    "Aaron''s court jester," Mokosh replied.

    "Ah," Svarog said. "I thought some random village idiot had wandered in that somehow transformed into a raven."

    "I am not random!" Jon interjected. "The rest is a fair cop."

    Mokosh looked at Agata. "You misunderstand my intentions, daughter. I have no intention of harming your child. It was my hope that I would merge the power of the Old Gods with her that Nightbringer may be reborn to a family that loves her as well as could raise her to be as kind as her new mother. She would have the power of a goddess but the guidance of someone who was worthy of said power."

    "I dunno," I said, wondering if I should even be part of this conversation. "Rachel got raised on Skyworld and became an adult in a few days due to timey-wimey stuff. You can understand why Agata would be unsettled."

    "Yes," Rachel said. "Aaron should sire a child so it can become the new Nightbringer."

    "Wait, what?" I asked.

    "Don''t worry, I''m not volunteering to bear the child," Rachel said. "That would be weird."

    "Oh, yes, that''s what would make it weird," I said, appalled.

    "I seem to recall humans being less insolent in the old days," Svarog said.

    "What old days?" Mythras asked. "You predate the human race by a billion years."

    "Pfft," Svarog said. "I''m older than that."

    "Only two of them are human," Mokosh said. "The others are a demigod on the verge of becoming Perun''s successor and my other daughter."

    "Which is absolutely nothing if they cannot defeat Veles," Svarog said. "Mokosh might be arguing that the new Nightbringer might be raised over decades with love and affection, but we need her now if we''re going to defeat my brother."

    I paused. "No offense intended--"

    "But you''re about to say something offensive," Svarog said, crossing his arms.

    I raised my hands in surrender. "Probably. No offense but, uh, what have you guys been doing until now?"

    Agata, Joan, and Rachel looked horrified.

    Mokosh smirked.

    Mythras glared in anger.

    Svarog just gazed at me for a long time before bursting into laughter. "You wonder if we''ve just been sitting on our asses during your battle with our brother."

    This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.

    "Yeah, kinda," I said, pausing. "I mean, Mokosh at least provided some help."

    "Sexual healing," Jon said, nodding. "Marvin Gaye. Bow chicka wow, wow."

    Svarog took a deep breath. "The answer to your question is that I have been keeping the Twisted Ones imprisoned. Perun sacrificed much of his power to bind them but with him being, you know, dead, it required me to step up to prevent them from escaping again. I also didn''t realize my brother was corrupted by them until recently."

    "You didn''t realize your brother was corrupted by the anti-gods even when he was openly talking about killing everyone in the universe to rule the dead?" I asked.

    "He was always an asshole," Svarog said. "To be honest, threatening to dominate the living and the dead was always in his wheelhouse."

    I didn''t want to comment on the fact Svarog probably should have taken notice about what Veles was up to after he''d killed Perun. However, as we''d found out with the gods, they tended to have a slightly less human attitude toward death and rebirth than, well, humans. "Okay, I''m going to admit keeping the Great Old Ones/Chaos Gods imprisoned is probably a good thing."

    Mokosh and Svarog both noticeably gave Mythras side-eye. It would have been hilarious if not for the fact we were dealing with terrifying temperamental beings that might obliterate us with a stray thought.

    "Oh, we''re wondering what I''m doing now?" Mythras said. "What deeds my glorious empire has been doing to hold back the tide of darkness?"

    "Yeah, kinda," I said.

    To be honest, Mythras was the wild card in all of this. I was bitterly disappointed the Aesir weren''t even showing up for battling Veles'' forces but that was mostly because Marvel comics had predisposed me to believing they weren''t a bunch of selfish assholes. No, it turned out the people who had favored raiding all of Europe for centuries weren''t necessarily heroic protectors of the innocent.

    Mythras, however, had always traditionally been a god of heroism. He slew the bull, which was Veles'' symbol, and had been a god of soldiers. Unfortunately, despite everything Joan had done, I hadn''t seen much from him. Svarog, his other identity, had been the sole second generation god who had avoided being corrupted into one of the elemental demons. As for the Holy Eastern Empire? Well, they''d proven to be more like the Galactic Empire than, I dunno, some theoretical empire that wasn''t full of dicks.

    Mythras stared at me. "I''ve been biding my time."

    "Biding your time?" I asked, staring.

    "Aaron, please don''t insult my god," Joan said.

    "No, I actually am with the fake Garland on this," Svarog said, showing a hint of his real opinion of me. "What have you been doing, son?"

    "Garland never killed gods," Mokosh said, coming to my defense. "Aaron''s accomplishments exceed those of the Black Rose."

    "Yeah, the Steel Rose," Svarog said, making air quotes with his fingers. "He sounds like a hair metal band frontman."

    "I mean, that is true," Jon said, throwing in his two cents.

    "Garland could have slain gods," Agata said, looking down. "Please don''t insult my late husband."

    "He was a good man," Mokosh said, pausing. "I mean, good-ish. Like, it took him an hour an hour to cheat on you."

    "Wait, what?" Agata asked.

    "When he woke up after your consummation, he ended up in the local river with some Rusalka," Mokosh said. "The succubus Nikkole, the tavern maiden where you got married, her sister--"

    Agata stared in horror.

    "This is why every marriage should never include vows of monogamy," Mokosh said, pointing at her. "It''s just messed up."

    "So, back to Mythras," I said, horrified at that entire line of questioning. It explained so much about the state of Ledziana.

    "Veles is a far more powerful god than me," Mythras said, calmly. "I couldn''t trust my father to aid me against him."

    "That''s cold, son," Svarog said. "But fair."

    "I would only get one shot," Mythras said. "I probably would lose in a battle with him after Perun''s defeat, but I could perhaps cripple him. The threat of that allowed me to maneuver Veles and keep him from making some of his more overt moves. At least until he was strong enough to crush me outright. In the meantime, I empowered individuals to work against him on my behalf and protected Veles'' enemies."

    "The Wise Man," I said, pausing.

    "Yes," Mythras said. "Between Mokosh and me, that''s a large reason why Veles was forced to do his ridiculous quest game against the champions."

    "Mostly me," Mokosh said. "It is a sign of just how far Veles has gone that he no longer feels obligated to obey the oaths he made to both you and the Wise Man in order to finish the fight between your proxies. It was a duel of honor made between champions and his fleeing the field of battle forfeits any claim of honor."

    "Yeah," I said, pausing. "I''m sure that was his chief concern when destroying all life. How honorable it would be."

    Mokosh smirked.

    "Speaking of the Wise Man, uh, where is Larry?" I asked, looking around.

    "The Wise Man is the one who opened the gates to your world to let Veles leave," Svarog said.

    "What?" I asked, staring.

    "Yes, what?" Agata asked.

    "Plot twist!" Jon said, spreading out his wings.

    "The Chosen of Perun was only interested in playing the game as long as he was the one directing the pieces," Svarog said, his voice disdainful. "The moment that you proved far more intractable than the other champions were the moment that the Wise Man began to look for alternative pawns."

    That was a kick in the butt. "So, just because I wasn''t completely controllable, he decided to join up with the person who is opposed to?"

    "I assume that Larry thinks that he''s playing a deeper game," Mokosh said. "But Veles'' cunning is greater than the last druid''s. It''s possible he''s been overwhelmed by his influence as well."

    Svarog shook his head. "It''s also possible that he simply sees getting Veles to your world as a way of winning. After all, it is officially not his problem."

    "My theory is that he''s so sick of people wanting the next book out that he''s decided to have Veles destroy Earth," Rachel said.

    Everyone looked at her.

    "What?" Rachel asked. "The manuscript with Aaron is still being edited. It''s ridiculous. Just release the goddamn thing. Andrzej Sapkowski has gotten like three books out for The Witcher saga and he finished the series years ago."

    I decided to try the big Patrick Stewart speech. "Listen, the people of the Southern Kingdoms need your help. Now is not the time to hold back or make deals. You love your followers, I know this, and are all exemplars of what mankind can be. Show the people of the world that you have their back and they will worship you. Restore their faith in you by providing them the miracle they need, not necessarily one they deserve."

    "Okay," Mokosh said.

    "Sure, why not?" Svarog said.

    "Yeah," Mythras said.

    I blinked. "Oh, well, thanks."

    That was when Joan and Agata vanished.

    Jon squawked in surprise.

    Rachel didn''t look surprised in the slightest.

    "What the..." I trailed off.

    "They''ve been sent to Crossroad with the rest of the armies," Mokosh explained. "It''s best as if they don''t know the truth."

    "The truth?" I asked.

    "Yes," Mokosh said. "I was trying to disguise the fact that Zorya Nightbringer has already been merged with her child."

    I stared in horror. "Please don''t take her away from her."

    Mokosh shook her head. "Never."

    "Provided you do what we say," Svarog said. "The needs of the many and all that. War destroys thousands of lives and whatever brings it to a close the fastest is almost inevitably the greatest good."

    "What do you want me to do?" I asked.

    "Defeating Belobog is important," Svarog said. "Restoring him will cut off Veles from the last of his support on this world. However, we can''t take the chances that he might have an agent working both sides of the equation. Before we transport you and your team''s survivors back to Earth to save it, we need you to eliminate the Witch Queen."

    "Betray her before she betrays us," I said, feeling disgusted by all the backstabbing around me.

    "Yes," Svarog said.

    "We also want you to kill the Wise Man but that''s a lower priority," Mythras said.

    Yeah, I didn''t like the gods anymore.

    ¡°Right,¡± I said, reluctantly agreeing.

    With that, they vanished, and I was left alone in the Temple.

    Jon looked at me. ¡°You know, with allies like these, who needs enemies?¡±

    ¡°I agree, bird,¡± I said, sighing. ¡°I agree.

 Book Two - Chapter Eight - Confronting my enemy

    I took a deep breath. "So, just we''re clear, Weis is working with Veles now."

    "Uh huh," Jon said, flying onto my shoulder. "Though he''s probably doing some three-dimensional chess thing because the alternative is he''s being a complete moron or traitor. Neither of which fits with my conception of the guy."

    I wasn''t sure about it either way because Weis had done a lot of shady things in our short association, up to and including bringing me to Mokosh in the first place. Unfortunately, events taught me that Weis was no different than most of the people in charge of the supernatural on this world. The gods were, in simple terms, shady as shit. The problem was that didn''t necessarily make them wrong as even my attempts to be Captain Superman of PaladinlandTM (to quote Jon) hadn''t always shielded me from having to do things I was disgusted with myself for,

    Indeed, Veles and I had once had a conversation where he''d said that was the inevitable destiny of all so-called heroes in the Southern Kingdoms. The world was so toxic and full of hate that it would eventually corrupt me.

    "We''re working with the Witch Queen," I said, pointing out a fact I was already uncomfortable with before we got to the next bit.

    "Yes, but we''re going to betray her because nothing says heroics like stabbing your allies in the back," Jon said.

    "Yes," I replied. "Even if I should feel okay about it because she''s really, really bad."

    "You are telling me that or are you telling yourself?" Jon asked.

    "Yes," I replied.

    I sighed and decided to use Fast Travel to transport myself and Jon back to Crossroad Keep. Unfortunately, I found myself blocked from using it. Worse, the entirety of the interface was flickering and static-y, which was confusing since it wasn''t an electronic device but a magical approximation of one.

    Perun, in our short time together, had stated that he''d made it so the Mark of the Champions functioned like a video game RPG because it was the easiest way he could communicate how he was strengthening me via his magic. The idea, at least as much as you could call it one was, that it''d be a waste of Perun''s dwindling power to just give it all to someone that looked like they''d make a good hero only for them to switch sides like Valentin had.

    Instead, the whole leveling-up thing was based on the idea that heroes had to earn their power ups. The more heroics they did, the more they would be rewarded with power. This would also have the side benefit of restoring at least some of Perun''s power in the process. Him being the god of heroism and all that.

    All in all, the whole thing had proven to be a terrible idea and I was now the last of the champions. Alek was still alive, but he''d surrendered his mark to me. Jon was alive-ish but he''d given up his humanity to become a dragon (assuming you counted going from being a raven/hawk/storm crow thing to a dragon as losing your humanity). Neither of them wanted the remaining marks back and were encouraging me to become a ''full'' god.

    Probably so they didn''t have to.

    "On that you are correct, my dear nephew," a voice that chilled my blood spoke nearby. It was a voice that had haunted my nightmares despite the brave front that I''d put up since I''d come to Fantasy PolandTM.

    I looked up. "Veles."

    Standing there in the Temple of the Gods was the Peter Stormare avatar of the evil god. He wasn''t dressed as he was before with his thick beard and robes but, instead, was clean shaven with a finely tailored white business suit. He even had a Panama hat and looked like one of those drug lords Mel Gibson or Arnold would kill in the Eighties.

    "Indeed," Veles said, adjusting himself. "I see you''ve managed to avoid getting burnt to a cinder."

    "Yeah, well, I''m hoping I''m not thoroughly riddled with cancer either," I replied. "Are you responsible for the mark acting up?"

    He smirked. "I imagined the copious doses of radiation are doing more to achieve that than anything else. Elemental forces are one of the few things that can mess with the power of the gods. You probably should have absorbed that divine energy earlier. Now who knows what might happen when you try."

    "I''m in no rush to be a god," I said, staring at him. "I thought you were on Earth now."

    "This is a mere fragment of a fragment," Veles replied. "Even a creator god can have difficulty projecting his consciousness across vast swaths of the cosmos. Still, I thought I''d provide you a goodbye."

    "I''m coming after you," I said, coldly.

    "How?" Veles asked, sounding as threatened by my promise as a mouse. "You don''t really think the other gods are going to let you travel to Earth, do you?"

    I stared at him. "I''m pretty sure they know you''ll continue to be a threat to them, what with the whole desire to wipe out life on two worlds."

    Veles smirked. "A thing you''ll have to learn, Aaron, is that there''s no such thing as a good billionaire and every god is fundamentally many times richer. My brother was the only one willing to die for this world and the others are too interested in covering their own ass to risk their powers. Now that I''m no longer on Mokosh, they''ll do their best to keep you here until they can seal off any avenues back to your world. I know because they''re already doing it."

    I shook my head. "You''ll forgive me if I call bullshit. You haven''t exactly done much to convince me of your trustworthiness."

    Jon''s beady little eyes stared at him. "Yeah, you''ve kind of rage-quit the game, That''s just poor sportsmanship, dude."

    Veles chuckled. "In the end, the game was only as valuable as the promises I made to play fair. Once that meant a great deal to me, promises and fair play. However, something has eaten away at that feeling. The Modern Age is not one where a deal is a deal anymore. The dream of honoring one foes is dead. Instead, there is only victory."

    This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

    I shook my head. "It''s the Twisted One''s influence, Veles. You must see that. You tried to use their power against them and it''s been rotting your mind just like the other Old Gods. We need to purge it so you can..."

    "Oh Triglav Above," Veles said, shaking his head. "You''re actually doing it."

    "What?" I asked.

    "Now I have to pay Larry a free resurrection," Veles said, snorting. ¡°I suppose he¡¯ll need it.¡±

    "I don''t understand," I said.

    "He said you''d actually try to redeem me," Veles said, staring at me. "That you''d make some sort of half-hearted speech about there still being good in me and that I should return to the light side or whatnot."

    "Is it working?" I asked.

    "No," Veles said.

    "Darn," I said, not really surprised. "Also, it''s not half-hearted. It really is an appeal to end this now. If you can stop this whole thing, you should."

    Veles stared at me. It was like having frozen lightning bolts shot through my chest. If that makes no sense as a metaphor, take note that having your soul gazed through by a god of evil wasn''t easy to describe. "Aaron, did it ever occur to you that this isn''t some mystical hogwash about brainwashing from even eviler gods? That I simply grew disgusted with humanity''s constant never-ending idiocy and decided to try something new? Modern humanity has had a hundred thousand years to finally get itself in order and it has actually gotten worse. This plan to destroy the existing worlds I created with my brothers and stick them all in the realm of the dead where things will be properly ordered isn''t a new one. It is the promise of most apocalyptic religions. It is also one I reached after careful deliberation."

    "Humanity has potential it is only now reaching!" I said, staring. "We''ve gone--"

    "No speeches, Aaron, please," Veles cut me off. "I am not Q and you are not Captain Picard."

    I was silenced. "What are you doing to my world?"

    "Fixing it," Veles said, amused. He pulled on the folds of his jacket. "I''m President of the United States now."

    I stared at him. "Bullshit."

    "Hail to the Chief," Veles said, sarcastically.

    "You can''t do that!" Jon said, pointing at Veles with one of his wings. "You weren''t born in the United States!"

    "I know!" Veles said, covering his mouth with his palm. "I lied. While you were distracted preparing for the big final battle with us that was never going to come, I decided to transfer my elite followers to your world. It doesn''t take much to cause a crisis in your world. Humans, no matter what world they inhabit, are scared little monkeys who seek out the strongest among them to protect them whenever things go wrong. The return of magic was the perfect event to plunge your world into chaos."

    My mind filled with images of monsters tearing through cities, creatures rising from the dead, and the appearance of powers among the public. It was a full Marvel Cinematic Universe of chaos that I''d been missing. There was a massive crater where the National Mall had previously been and big black banners hanging from the White House. If this was a lie pushed by Veles then he''d thought it out very clearly.

    "Why?" I asked. "Why want to be President?"

    "I mean, you''d be better than some in living memory but while I support your bring back magic policy, I don''t support your kill everyone policy," Jon replied. "Also, is this meant to be political? Because if Larry C.C. Weis has decided to go political, I think he should avoid dating it. That whole Dragon Queen takes over a city and it''s like the Iraq Occupation was the worst part of the last book. He should have kept the time skip."

    I shook my head. "You''re planning, what, to nuke the planet?"

    "Nukes are far too 1950s," Veles said. "Even if I did help invent them in hopes that you were destroy yourselves. No, Aaron, I have something far more special planned."

    "What?" I asked.

    "Oh, like I''m going to tell you," Veles said, chuckling.

    I narrowed my eyes. "So, what, this is whole Bond villain thing you''re doing here is just to gloat?"

    "Kind of, yeah," Veles said, shrugging. "You came farther than any of the other champions and actually put me on the backfoot for a bit. You deserve an ''attaboy'' and a ''good dog'' for that. However, I do want to let you know you won''t be able to do a damn thing to stop this now."

    "Screw you," I said, staring.

    Veles pointed at me. "But there is one thing you should note. You do have an out."

    "An out," I said.

    "You have all the remaining marks of the champion," Veles said. "Absorb them, become a god and take some of the people you care about to Skyworld. Do the whole Biblical Rapture thing and sapre them their horriifc deaths. You''ll be able to claim at least a partial victory and I''ll let you be."

    "This is just the Architect scene from the Matrix Reloaded," Jon said. "They never should have made any sequels."

    "I''m not going to abandon the fight," I said, staring at him. "Which you know. So I wonder what you''re really up to here."

    Veles smirked. "My motivations are beyond your comprehension. However, if you need a reason then note that it amuses me. When I finally hold your broken, battered, and disillusioned body before me. When I have crushed your friends, shattered your dreams, and made you aware of just how utterly worthless it all was, I want you to know that you could have saved your beautiful harlots as well as minions from damnation. Instead, they will be imprisoned with the worst of oathbreakers and scum for all eternity."

    I gave him a golf clap. "Very nice, very Rorschach."

    Veles frowned. "You''ve grown more insolent over the past year."

    "I know," I said. "However, I was pretty insolent already."

    "Also, admitting you''re an oathbreaker while you are punishing oathbreakers is pretty hypocritical," Jon said. "Are you sure you''re not brainwashed? Because if you are, we can have you defeat Darth Malak and return to the Light Side."

    "Darth Malak, really?" I asked. "Not Vader or even Kylo Ren?"

    "I feel like the original trilogy is too obvious a reference and the sequels suck eggs," Jon said. "So, I decided to go with Knights of the Old Republic. Darth Revan gets Bastilla or Carth and lives happily ever after despite being Space Hitler."

    "Goodbye, Aaron," Veles said. "Allow me to leave you a parting gift. One to let you know just how utterly doomed you are."

    I made a ''yap, yap, yap'' gesture with my fingers. Veles was on the run now and that was not something I was going to let him take away from me. He''d been mocking me and dismissing me since the beginning of our situation. The tables had turned, though, and I was confident we could cross the finish line with him.

    That was when Veles dropped the glamour, and I saw the portly form of Larry C.C. Weis. However, the man had been subjected to horrific torture as blood covered every inch of his body. He''d been stabbed, burned, flayed, and maimed. His body fell to the ground in front of me, lifeless, and broken.

    "Goodbye, Aaron," Veles said. his voice surrounding me from all sides. "The next time, this will be you."

    With that, Veles'' presence vanished.

    "Larry," I said, going to his side.

    I tried CURE, RAISE DEAD, and more. I even attempted to contact his soul by prayer, which wasn''t a thing I could do without the proper spells but was worth a try.

    Nothing worked.

    "Huh," Jon said, looking down at the corpse of the Wise Man. "I guess we''re never getting those books finished now. I wonder if we should ask Brandon Sanderson to finish them. He doesn''t have any hesitation on that."

    "Not right now, Jon," I said, looking at the man who had brought me to Ledziana. "He deserved better than this."

    "Did he?" Jon asked. "I ended up pretty okay but what about the rest of his enslaved ravens? My friend, Becky? A lot of good people tried and died to save this place. His final act was also to help Veles move to the Earth. I''m going to say that was a dick move to go out on."

    I checked his body, still wearing a vest and pants.

    "Be careful, corpses crap themselves when they die," Jon said.

    "I''ve seen enough to know that," I replied.

    "Right." Jon said. "What are you looking for? It''s not like the guy is going to be left with--"

    I pulled out a letter that said, TO AARON IN THE CASE OF MY DEATH.

    "Oh you''ve got to be kidding me," Jon said.

    I opened it up to read.

 Book Three - Chapter Nine - Letters from the Dead

    Veles was an asshole.

    This was something that he''d already established with his whole ''kill the world'' philosophy and contemptuous attitude toward everyone. Plus, there was the constant low level cheating that he''d been engaged in throughout our attempts to overthrow him. Cheating that had graduated to full-on hacking the game by incorporating nukes and rage-quitting. However, doing what he''d done to Larry C.C. Weis seemed like it had dug the hole a bit deeper and cost me what little respect I''d had for the man.

    I had complicated feelings regarding the Wise Man. As Jon said, he''d done a lot of shady stuff that had resulted in needless suffering for a lot of people. Perhaps I was too forgiving. Which, honestly, was a bit like saying that Mario jumped a lot or Link liked green hoodies, but I was willing to overlook a lot. Yet, Weis had killed the Dragon Queen because he didn''t think she had what it took to defeat Veles. This had driven my cousin insane with revenge and led to the death of a lot of Weis'' allies. He''d also set me up to become lovers with Zorya Dawnbringer and reincarnate her but only after forcing me to kill her. Explictly making me the murderer of the mother of my child (however much Rachel denied she was in any way my daughter).

    Weis had also done something worse than both of these things, at least from my perspective, in that he''d undermined his own cause by refusing to trust anyone with the whole picture. If Weis had really wanted to be save Mokosh then he should have shared what he had planned with the people, he was trying to maneuver. Instead, he''d kept it all extremely close to his chest and now I wasn''t sure what he''d been planning.

    Except what was in this letter that I was now opening. "Maybe this holds the key to his plans."

    "Did you learn dialogue from Writing 101?" Jon asked. "Also, please tell me you don''t believe that letter is actually from Weis."

    "Maybe it''s his last message to me," I said, offended.

    "That Veles didn''t notice when he was torturing him before wearing his body like a condom?" Jon asked.

    "I don''t think that last metaphor was needed," I replied. "You think this is a trap?"

    "I think that our insides might still be liquifying because Veles used a nuke on us after planting it in the penultimate boss chamber," Jon said. "At this point, I wouldn''t be surprised if Veles paid your ex-girlfriend to reveal your secret identity so she could do porn and buy drugs."

    "Nice Daredevil reference," I said. "You know they were making a sequel to the Netflix show. I wonder if it got cancelled due to Veles."

    "Godsdammit," Jon muttered. "If he''s responsible for that, he''s eviler than we thought! FYI, you need to clear with me if you are monogamous with Ania or just playing headgames. Because if we do save the world, we can pretty much get any man or woman we want. Deborah Anne Woll, Matthew Cox, the guy who does the stunt work--"

    "Comments like that are why I play headgames," I said, opening the letter and causing a glowing yellow wisp of gold to fly out before transforming into a translucent ghostly apparition of himself.

    "Huh, it seems Larry is now cribbing from Spaceballs," Jon said. "Sure, why not. Aaron is a prince and he can marry Princess Vespa."

    "I''m sorry, Larry," I said, looking on his ghost with sympathy. "I should have moved quicker. Maybe if I''d beaten Belobog immediately after defeating Zorya Nightbringer, I might have been able to beat Veles before he escaped."

    "He can''t hear you, Aaron," Jon said. "This is a prerecorded message. It''s also, again, almost certainly a trap."

    "It''s not quite as prerecorded as you might think, Jon," Larry said, surprising me by speaking in a sad but respectful tone. "Perun elevated me to his Chosen before his death. As such, the state of being alive and dead are somewhat fluid when dealing with me. Even Veles can''t touch the Cycle of Life and Death without the consent of the people involved."

    "I''m so glad Mega-God Hitler cares so much about consent," Jon said. "Oh, Aaron, can we bury Larry? I''d like to piss on his grave."

    "You shit on my shoulder way too often for me to take that any way but literally," I replied.

    "Ravens don''t have bowel control!" Jon said, defensively. "It''s nothing personal. I''d be in human form when I pissed on his grave."

    "We''ll cremate you unless you have any other wishes," I said, having adopted that as a policy throughout Ledziana. Tombs were something that couldn''t really be afforded these days when the dead were refusing to stay that way. The only exceptions were individuals who were marked for being raised and since only Joan, Agata, and I could do that, it wasn''t something that there was much demand for. Rachel might have been a god, but it didn''t seem like healing, let alone resurrection, was her purview.

    "What happens to my remains now doesn''t matter, though I wouldn''t be surprised if Veles left something on the body to deal with you," Larry said. "He might not sound like it but you have him scared and it is part of the reason he''s accelerating his plans so quickly. You remind him too much of his brother and while they are buried deep, there are feelings of both guilt as well as doubt within Veles."

    "Aaron reminds Veles of Lord Fratbro? The Chris Hemsworth Thor with slightly better magic?" Jon asked. "Yeah, I suppose I could see it."

    I rolled my eyes. "Jon thinks this message is the trap."

    Larry shook his head. "The letter is just a representation of me and is composed purely of Perun''s essence. It is sent along the marks and cannot be seen by him. This is a conversation just between us."

    "Which is exactly what a trap would say," Jon said.

    "I''m listening," I said.

    "You will go to the Dagobah System," Larry said, waving his hand. "There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me."

    "Okay, I''m gone," I said, getting up. "Clearly, I am the most serious person here and that is just fucking tragic."

    Larry let out a Santa Claus-esque laugh, which probably shouldn''t have been surprising since in addition to being the Southern Kingdom''s discount Gandalf, he also was apparently the guy who delivered toys to all the good little pagan girls and boys during the Winter Solstice. The weird shit you find out about alternate worlds. That also meant, of course, that in addition to all the other evil things he''d done, Veles had ruined Christmas.

    Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.

    "I''m kidding, Aaron," Larry said. "No more training do you require. However, I made the choices I made with the knowledge that they''d lead to my death. The information I can pass on is something that I hope will mean the difference between victory and defeat."

    "Oh, so you dying and depriving us of the strongest wizard on Mokosh was part of the plan," Jon said. "Great job. Real brilliant planning there, Sun Tzu."

    "Throw your soldiers into battle from which there is no escape, and they will prefer death to flight," Larry said, quoting the Art of War. I''d never read it but I was familiar with the Sabaton album of the same name. "That''s the strategy I chose to follow when bringing the champions to this world. It forced you to become the heroes we needed. Which includes you too, Jon."

    Jon raised a wing in what I assumed was a flipping off gesture.

    "What''s the message, Larry?" I asked.

    "Three parts," Larry said. "The first of which is the fact you have to be on top of Bald Mountain in three days."

    "Three days?" I asked. "I can''t be on top of Bald Mountain in three days. I have to fight Belobog."

    Larry shook his head. "Belobog doesn''t matter right now. It may take an army or three to defeat him but he''s a mindless force of destruction. Thousands may die, maybe tens of thousands, but the world will recover. Veles is the real danger. The portal between Earth and Mokosh that is located there will only be open on Walpurgis Night, however. All the other times it can be opened will require an archmage of which, well, we''re distinctly lacking on. Either because they''re loyal to Veles or because Alek killed my students."

    "Yeah, he''s real sorry about that," I said, sarcastically. "Some asshole murdered the woman he loved and replaced her with an imposter."

    Larry frowned. "I see your opinion of me isn''t that much better than Jon''s."

    "I just don''t like people who hurt my family," I said, sighing.

    "Family," Jon grunted in his best faux-Vin Diesel.

    "Second, Veles plan is to unite the worlds," Larry explained. "That is his endgame and what you have to prevent on Earth. The Old Gods warping the Elemental Temples was the groundwork he needed to lay to achieve this on Mokosh. He''s had decades to do it and will have to work much faster on Earth, so he''ll at least have his works being big and obvious."

    "This isn''t going to be like the original Final Fantasy where we have to refight all the bosses in a row is it?" Jon asked. "Or Castlevania: Symphony of the Night where we''re going through the castle again upside down?"

    I ignored Jon. "By uniting the worlds, do you mean--"

    "He will literally combine their timelines and reality to create a massive explosion of magic that will allow him to absorb all of the other gods as well as the billions of lives on both worlds into himself," Larry said. "It will transform him from a creator god, already one of the most powerful beings in the universe, into a new Triglav. An anti-Triglav if you will. As close to an opposite of the traditional interpretation of the Abrahamic God as exists. Then nothing will be able to stop him. If any other overgods exist in the universe, I do not know of them."

    I didn''t bother asking if the Abrahamic God would qualify as I wouldn''t trust Larry''s answer regarding old Eli. Instead, I nodded. "Right, so Veles plan is still to kill everyone but he''s going to do it in a way that makes him even more of a god than before."

    "More Final Fantasy rip-offs," Jon said. "The villain is always trying to be a god in the end but here, he''s already a god so it''s just hack writing."

    "Reality, unlike fiction, doesn''t actually have to follow the rules of good storytelling," Larry said. "Veles'' plan is something that his own followers have been deceived about. As the Twisted One''s influence poisons his mind, his usually rock-solid willingness to honor his promises diminishes. The Thirteen, Epic DungeoneeringTM''s executives, and many others are expecting to be rewarded for their service. The fact Veles plans to destroy the world would result in many of them questioning their loyalty.

    "The Witch Queen has already shown up to us and offered to help us against her master," I said.

    Larry''s expression became unreadable. "You shouldn''t trust her."

    "No kidding," I said, dryly.

    "I trust her as far as my dick," Jon said. "Which can be pretty far now that I can become a dragon. Seriously, you can bash someone''s head in with that thing now."

    "The Witch Queen wants to be a goddess and Veles'' equal," Larry said. "However, she was cheated by Veles when they first made their bargain during the early days of humanity. Becoming a death lord, or indeed any sort of undead, precludes a person from ascension to divinity. Your soul is permanently bonded to Veles and reduced in nature. All of their power is channeled from him as well so while they may be vast in personal magic, they are no longer truly free-willed beings and permanently subject to his will."

    "And we''re back to ripping off Tolkien," Jon said. "You act like that''s really profound but it''s derivative. Sauron wants to conquer Middle Earth while Melkor wants to spite Eru. The Ringwraiths were kings of men but they''re now Sauron''s busboys. No one can destroy the One Ring willingly. Do you have any original ideas?"

    "Given this is all the history of a living world, no," Larry said, showing remarkable honesty. "I deserve credit for turning your dialogue, Jon, into something even remotely readable. What I mean to say is the Witch Queen covets the Marks of the Champion. She may also seek other means of ascending to the divine as well."

    "You mean like stealing Veles power?" I asked.

    "No," Larry said.

    I cursed as I knew what Larry was getting at. "Agata and Bloodstorm''s baby."

    Jon flapped a bit in alarm. "Hey, she''s not the kind of person who would steal a baby."

    Larry and I both looked at Jon, though in my case it was more curving my head.

    "Okay, she''s exactly the sort of person to steal a baby," Jon said, looking down. "Probably so she could put her in a tower and harvest her golden hair but that doesn''t mean she''s a bad person."

    "Amazing," Larry said. "Even Aaron has a poorer opinion of the women he sleeps with."

    "Given he killed one of them, I''m not sure that qualifies," Jon said. "That''s going to be a red flag on your dating profile forever after. I mean, Agata is probably not going to seek you for comfort after she and Bloodstorm inevitably break up."

    "What?" I asked, appalled.

    "Oh, sorry, no, that was my plan," Jon said. "But you were thinking it. Single moms need love too!"

    I decided that when I got back to Dragon Keep, I''d develop a permanent SILENCE spell for Jon. "What was the third thing you were going to tell me? At this point, I''ll take any advice I can get since everyone seems to want Veles defeated but they''re already starting to feud about how."

    It was a sobering moment because there had been many wars that had been close to victory before infighting snatched it away. We were far from close to victory.

    Much to my annoyance, Larry didn''t respond. Indeed, his image was frozen in place with no response.

    "Hello, hello," Jon waved his wing at the archwizard. "Is this thing on? Great, he''s crashed. Do we need to reboot him or what?"

    "I don''t think that''s an option," I said, annoyed. "What are the odds the third thing he had to tell us was, by far, the most important?"

    "Given the quality of the writing so far, I''d say about 100%," Jon replied. "Do you think we should move to another universe with better material? Maybe superheroes? I know the MCU has taken a dive, and I doubt it''s gotten better when I''m gone but maybe they finally let Zach Snyder finish his work."

    "James Gunn is in charge now," I said.

    "Really?" Jon asked. "Well, it''s too bad Satan is probably going to ruin that too."

    "Towers..." the image of Larry Weis slurred. "Deathrot...Reincarnation."

    With that, his image winked out of existence.

    "Well, that was useless," Jon said. "Is your mark acting up?"

    "Fraid so," I replied. "I can''t see any of my stats."

    "But that''s the entire appeal of LitRPG and RPGs in general!" Jon said, appalled. "Seeing the little numbers go up is addictive like crack! It''s why we shell out seventy bucks or even more for these games!"

    I sighed and noted the letter in my hands was now just blank. Well, blank if you didn''t count the bloodstains. "We need to figure out a way to get to the portal on Bald Mountain while not betraying everyone we''ve assembled to fight Veles'' forces."

    "You don''t think that they''ll be fine without you?" Jon asked before bursting into laughter mixed with caws. "Oh, yeah, no, they''ll be at each other''s throats in minutes. They almost fell apart the first time you went to the bathroom. Ivan will start chopping off heads the moment you''re not looking over his shoulder and Agata is going to go nuts the moment she finds out that her goddess betrayed her."

    There was a crack of thunder outside.

    "I mean asked a great sacrifice of her," Jon said, nervously.

    "Come on, let''s go," I said. "I need to tell the rest of the group. Secrets are poison."

    "Said no man in any successful relationship ever," Jon said.

    That was when Larry Weis'' corpse got up off the ground and threw a fireball at my face.

 Book Three - Chapter Ten - Another Ambush, Really?

    Yeah, this one is on me, isn''t it?

    I was stupid and believed that Larry had left a final message for us. I believe he did. I also believe Veles knew about it and decided it was worth using it yet another cheap shot. Given he''d been willing to use an actual nuke against me, I had to admit that it was starting to look like I was the idiot for keep giving him opportunities to do so.

    Now, normally, I''d have cast COUNTERSPELL, but the gods of luck were not kind to me today and I got smacked in the face with what amounted to a concentrated blast of flame. Now, if this were me Pre-Mark of the Champion, this would have been a game over. Anyone miss Game Over screens? I do. I feel like something has been lost from just showing the continue without something to remind us we needed to get better.

    Anyway, I blasted in the chest and set on fire before rolling across the ground. I wasn''t dead, though. I wasn''t just a human being anymore, I was a demigod infused with the power of a dozen other champions now. Perun''s magic had altered me so I was more like a comic book superhero and if I wasn''t Superman, I was at least Spider-Man in terms of durability. The spells woven into the fabric of my Dark Undermaster Armor also blunted some of the damage. It hurt, don''t get me wrong, but more like touching a hot stove than having boiling grease thrown in my face.

    My interface also sprang to life enough to acknowledge what had happened too, which was a sign it wasn''t completely busted.

    YOU HAVE SUFFERED 32 POINTS OF DAMAGE.

    "This is why you need to double tap the bodies!" Jon shouted, flying out of the way of the spellcasting zombie. "Be like John Wick!"

    Larry C.C. Weis'' corpse stood up and stared at me with a malevolent glare. He then spoke in a shrill Saturday Morning cartoon villain''s voice, complete with reverb. "You perfidious little worm! I curse the day that I met you! Your existence has been a plague on mine in a way that I cannot think of a single other being matching."

    I blinked. "Weis?"

    This seemed to piss off the rotting corpse and he growled at me. "No!"

    I paused. "I''m sorry, you''re going to have to be a bit more specific then. I''ve killed a lot of people since coming to Ledziana and quite a few of them have been evil wizards."

    "Is it Valentin?" Jon asked, slowly transforming behind an overturned set of pews.

    "Valentin was a warrior, not a mage," I pointed out. "Also, he was a lot more frat boy than faux Shakespeare."

    Valentin had been the first of the champions and also the first of them to go bad. I still didn''t know what Lary had been thinking recruiting the guy since he''d not only been a janitor at Epic DungeoneeringTM but a serial killer.

    "Ooo, maybe it''s that Boris Poppy guy," Jon said. "I felt like he was an underused villain for a cursed dragon!"

    "Also, not a wizard," I said, remembering Valentin''s dragon ally that we''d tricked Chernabog into slaying at the Earth Temple.

    "I am Hellmaster Pollux, the Verminlord!" the corpse that had once belonged to Larry C.C. Weis shouted.

    ¡°Oh yeah, you,¡± I said, remembering him. ¡°You were the guy who tried to ambush us on the back of a flying skeleton steed."

    "Very Metallica album cover," Jon said. "Less so riding around in the corpse of a hack fantasy author. That''s more Sam Raimi."

    "Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn!" I said, waving my hands in the air.

    Pollux, despite his body being nothing more than the remains of a far better man, looked confused. Clearly, this conversation was not working out the way he expected.  "What in the world are you two idiots--"

    "SUNSTRIKE!" I said, blasting the death lord in the face with a spell designed for the slaying of the undead.

    Hellmaster Pollux the Verminlord was a death lord like the Witch Queen but significantly lower down the totem pole. Still, like the old adage went, what did you call the worst student of a medical school''s graduating class? "Doctor." Well, in this case, the worst Sith Lord was still a Sith Lord (with apologies to Darth Maul). Hellmaster Pollux was one of the Thirteen and apparently the sole one who hadn''t joined Susano or been taken out by her. It made me call into question everything else she''d said to me.

    The blast that flew out of my hands into Pollux''s (or Weis'') face was one of glowing light, but it didn''t disintegrate his body. No, the death lords were infused with Veles'' power the same way I was infused with Peruns and that meant that we could exchange blows like comic book characters. Instead of being disintegrated by the blast, he just looked a little extra crispy.

    Hellmaster Pollux glared at me with his now-empty eye sockets that began to glow with blue-white witchfire.

    "Oh, that''s dirty," Hellmaster Pollux said, chuckling. "I am starting to see why the master believes you were the only one worthy of succeeding Garland."

    "Garland is dead," I said, pulling out Perun''s sword and causing it to crackle. It was as large as a great sword and as thick as a 2 by 4 but as light as a piece of plastic now that I''d settled into my power. It crackled with lightning from the Skyrealm. "I''m not."

    "Points for trying to be badass but a little off on execution," Jon said. "I give it a 6.0 out of 10.0."

    Hellmaster Pollux let out an ear-splitting cackle. "You actually think you can take on me, fool? I was old when your country of birth was new. I waited until--"

    "Are you taking credit for Veles dumping your ass here to attack me after he delivered his message and then waiting until Weis delivered his?" I asked. "Because from my perspective, that makes you just a mailman."

    Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

    Hellmaster Pollux snarled, blood leaking from his mouth. "I am the last of the faithful death lords."

    "Which doesn''t make me respect you," I replied. "It means you''re the only one of the lich kings that was too stupid to realize he was being played. Because if you really were so beloved a ringwraith then why did Super Sauron leave you here to be an annoyance?"

    Hellmaster Pollux didn''t initially respond. "I will end you, Bartkowski."

    Why did people keep saying that?

    I was trying to delay him to figure out a proper way to deal with a death lord, significant upgrades as I''d made, I was still pretty much outmatched. The problem was that the best way to fight him would have been with the rest of my team and I didn''t want to take for granted that this guy was a centuries-old archmage.

    "DISINTEGRATE!" Pollux shouted, having switched to the same ''name the spell and done'' type of magic I used, presumably a gift from Veles. I had to admit I wasn''t fond of it since, well, it was a lot easier to fight guys who had to spend at least a few seconds reciting a spell.

    "COUNTERSPELL!" I said, managing to barely throw up enough power to diffuse the spell that otherwise would have been an instant kill. Even so, I felt it wash over me like a tidal wave, threatening to drown me in magic that wanted to tear me down to base molecules.

    "Oh, how cute, you fancy yourself a wizard," Pollux said, looking more annoyed than intimidated.

    I pointed my sword at him. "PERUN''S LIGHTNING BOLT!"

    It was my biggest and most powerful spell to throw at anyone, being something that I''d inherited from my absorption of divine energy versus an ability I''d learned. It was basically Zeus'' thunderbolt but, well, Perun''s, and could be felt even by gods.

    From my fingertips and channeled through the Sword of Perun flew a massive bolt of blue-white energy that sailed outward at Pollux like a hungry monster. It had the potential to backfire or cause unpredictable magical effects whenever I used it but, at this point, I was willing to take the risk.

    "PORTAL!" Pollux said, conjuring a hole before me.

    Oh shit. I knew where I''d make the other portal open up if I was doing this. Throwing myself to the side, I barely managed to avoid being struck by my own lightning bolt as the portal Pollux had conjured up had its other end right behind me. The blast continued onward and went over the death lord''s shoulder. I had to give all my training credit. This was a triumph, I''m making a note here: huge success.

    That was when Pollux pointed one long bony finger at me, much of Weis'' flesh having been seared off by my SUNRAY spell. "ANTI-MAGIC FIELD."

    What happened next was like someone stuffing a wet rag down your thoat and pouring a pitcher of ice-cold water down past it. Waterboarding for the soul. I could still talk but it would be like choking out words through the water that kept coming. I couldn''t feel my magic anymore and as powerful as a demigod as I was supposed to be, Pollux was stronger in pure mastery of the art. Still, I managed to spit out the words, "You...can''t...cast...while...disabling me."

    Hellmaster Pollux kept pointing at me while grinning his rictus grin. "Oh, stupid boy, you don''t know the benefits of actually learning the true art of sorcery rather than having it downloaded into your brain like one of your insipid computer programs. I am ambidextrous in my spellcasting. POISONOUS GAS CL--"

    Hellmaster Pollux was caught mid-spell by a dragon breathing its napalm-like breath on him, catching him in the face much like Sparky had done before. Since the only dragon present was Jon, I was glad he''d decided to finally intervene. Did that sound catty? Maybe it was.

    Hellmaster Pollux was reduced to a flaming skeleton but stood there, growling as his now bony appendages shook with rage. "You think this will stop--"

    "RAINBOW BLAST!" I said, hitting him with a prismatic spray of red, yellow, blue, orange, and green energy blasts. Each of them struck the death lord one after the other, forcing him to his knees. Well, if he had knees. His patella.

    "I am empowered now with the status of Chosen One by Veles!" Hellmaster Pollux said, lifting his finger bones. "I shall cast you--"

    "PUSH!" I shouted, aiming my hand forward and sending the death lord flying into the air like a cartoon character. He flew through the hole created in the canopy of the tent and spun around, screaming at his sudden weightlessness.

    "PULL!" Jon shouted before hitting him with a second blast of dragonfire, this one causing the death lord to explode like a miniature death star. A shockwave of mystical energy exploded from the dead Chosen One''s body and showered the tent with little sparkles. It was beautiful in a, "we just killed a guy" sort of way.

    "Do you think he''ll stay dead this time?" I asked, looking up to the spot where he''d exploded. The tent was now on fire, and I wasn''t planning on staying inside for long.

    "Probably," Jon said, stepping out of the tent''s back to reveal a large blue dragon''s body the size of an RV. It filled up much of the tent and casually knocked away the pews or crushed them with his girth. "I get the impression that Veles isn''t big on second chances to begin with. Honestly, bringing him back in the first place feels like fanservice."

    I sighed, walking bits of burning canopy falling around us. "We''re in a Death of the Author situation, Jon. It doesn''t matter what happened before. There''s no storyline being written and no rules anymore. Everything now is like actual history, which, unfortunately, does not require things to make sense."

    "How much EXP did you get for killing skull face here?" Jon asked. "Again."

    I tapped the side of my right hand''s mark.

    Nothing but static.

    "No idea," I said, pausing. "I''m not even sure I''m getting experience anymore."

    "That would suck if you maxed out right before the climax," Jon said, his body being pelted with bits of burning cloth from above our heads. Thankfully, that wasn''t something that bothered a dragon. "Mind you, that happened in Baldur''s Gate 3. You can only get up to 12th level before you''re finished. What was your level last time you checked?"

    "14th," I muttered. "No, I had enough EXP for 15th before the nuke."

    "Eh, not bad but not good, either," Jon said. "I managed to get all the way to 18th before I died."

    "I know, Jon," I said, tapping the side of the interface before trying to fast travel us. "So, you''ve told me, many times."

    "I''m just saying that if it''s a choice between a guy who is 18th level and a dragon," Jon said. "Versus, well, you, maybe we should rethink who is the leader of this group."

    I hesitated at using the fast travel system because, again, I wasn''t sure whether Veles had been lying about the radiation affecting the marks or if it was something else. I also really hoped I wasn''t dying of radiation sickness and unaware of it. I''d find out soon, though, especially if the whole shapeshifting thing didn''t work.

    There was also the time limit factor that I had to consider. I believed Weis'' message and didn''t think it was a kind of reverse, double bluff idiotic twist like the revelation that the Machines were responsible for the creation of Zion in The Matrix 2. That had just been shitty writing because the Wachowskis hadn''t been allowed to make one sequel and one prequel.

    I only had three days to deal with Belobog''s armies or I was going to be stuck on Mokosh. Which wouldn''t have been such a bad thing if not for the fact that I had some lingering fondness for Earth. Oh, and I was sure Veles would figure out a way to destroy this planet too. It really wasn''t a temptation to stay here. I needed to take out the God of Evil, hubristic statement as that might be, or I''d be living the rest of my life wondering when he would finish the job.

    "Ready to go?" I asked Jon, ignoring his attempt to try to take over. I was pretty sure the only person who thought he''d do a better job than me was Jon himself.

    "Uh," Jon looked at me uncomfortably. "I think I''ll just fly back if you don''t mind. Maybe take a detour down to the nearest portal and use it. You know, until we can confirm the magic hasn''t been effected."

    "I don''t have time for that," I said, uncomfortable. "But suit yourself."

    I pictured Dragon Keep and commanded myself to appear there. Light surrounded me as usual, but it began to twist, turn, and shatter into a rainbow. After a few seconds, I found myself in an endless white void like, ironically, the Architect''s chamber in the movie I''d just derided a few seconds ago.

    There was nothing surrounding me.

    Nothing.

    Forever.

    "Ah crap," I muttered.

 Book Three - Chapter Eleven - How do you talk to an angel?

    "Great," I said, surveying the featureless white void around me. "I''ve accidentally clipped outside the map."

    Intellectually, I knew I wasn''t inside a video game. As much as the powers I wielded were like those I used to program into characters, the fact was that the Southern Kingdoms were as real as Earth. It was just that Perun, or Perun''s ghost, was something that really loved Dungeons and Dragons as well as the rules for its magic.

    Okay, it sounded stupid when explained that way.

    Still, I couldn''t help but feel a mild panic as I found myself surrounded by nothingness. I immediately tried to fast travel back to my original location then retried Dragon Keep.

    Nothing.

    Crap.

    The prospect of dying here in the middle of an empty nothingness wasn''t a great one. Would I need food, water, or sleep here? Did demigods? I''d never actually bothered to go without any of them and it wasn''t like my condition had come with an instruction manual. Indeed, it was possible I might end up imprisoned here all time.

    Sanity might be the first thing I lost.

    I ended up sitting down with my arms around my knees, staring into my surroundings while retreating into my consciousness. I played the Star Wars movies over in my head and grew a beard as loneliness and isolation consumed me. Time lost all meaning, and I became a broken wreck of my previous self.

    That was when I hallucinated Thistle in front of me. Thistle was a beautiful but harsh Dark Moon elf who had a distinctly punk look to her features with facial tattoos as well as multiple piercings. This version of her was more like a heavy metal album cover than punk, though, as she was wearing metal armor with, uh, exaggerated proportions and missing pieces that showed off her curves. Oh and she also had a pair of black wings as well as a flaming sword.

    I stared at her. "I admit, you were not who I expected to see first when I lost all touch with reality."

    "Aaron--" Thistle started to speak.

    "I suspect it''s guilt talking," I said, shaking my head. "After all, while you were trying to murder me in order to take my blood, I was letting you. Which is cheating on Ania. Except, well, she didn''t believe we were exclusive and you were brainwashing me."

    "Aaron--"

    "You are a bad person," I said, shaking my head. "I don''t care if I did brainwash you. I''m pretty sure if you weren''t elvish Joan Jett, I would have killed you. Killed you!"

    Thistle stared. "Are you finished?"

    "Begone spirit!" I said, getting up and waving my hands in the air. "This is my mind, and you have no power here! If I''m going to hallucinate anyone, it''d be Ania! That or Mary Jane Watson Parker and Felicia Hardy. Probably played by the Zoryas because I admit, they''ve kind of buried themselves in my brain."

    Thistle pinched the bridge of her nose as if trying to stave off a migraine. "Oh, for the love of you. Aaron--"

    "I said, begone!" I shouted.

    Thistle slapped me across the face with her free hand.

    I blinked. "Oh, you''re actually here."

    "Yes," Thistle said.

    "Ah," I said, rebooting my brain. "How many years have I been trapped in this snow-colored purgatory?"

    "Nine hours," Thistle said.

    I paused. "Wow, I would not make it in prison."

    It also explained why I¡¯d only made it to the middle of the sequels. Which might be why I¡¯d started to have my mental breakdown.

    "Probably not," Thistle replied. "You are in Skyrealm."

    "Skyrealm?" I asked.

    "It is the home of the gods," Thistle said. "It is not the afterlife of mortals, which is under the domain of Veles for both the good and the evil but a place where Perun once held dominion."

    "Uh huh," I said, pausing. "Gotcha. Like Olympus or Asgard."

    "Or Skyrealm," Thistle said, unhappy. "This is your section of it."

    I took a moment to look around the void before turning back to her. "I''m going to be honest, I think we need to make an IKEA run."

    "Aaron--"

    "Seriously, I know I probably got this unfurnished but they could have at least installed a bathroom." I waved my hand absently in a random direction.

    A strange "ker thunk" noise happened and a port-a-potty fell out of the sky before landing right in front of me.

    "Huh," I said, staring. "So, what, I can mod this zone like Fallout 4?"

    "I don''t know what that is," Thistle said.

    "Creation Kit rules!" I said, concentrating and creating a reproduction of my fortress from the Dark Undermaster 3 DLC. It was an enormous stone castle that was surrounded by the Lake of Despair and had numerous crafting stations. It wasn''t quite as cool as Dragon Keep but I''d added my electricity and a hydroelectric dam from the Mothership Zetan mod.

    Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

    Thistle sighed. "I am going to have to interrupt you again, aren''t I?"

    "Quiet, modding," I said, transforming the empty void into a masterwork of nerd construction. "I think the neon signs should go over here..."

    "Perun wants to speak with you," Thistle finally said.

    I''d already conjured a backdrop of a verdant rural environment with a Sun, mountains, and babbling brook nearby the crumbling fort. Why was the fort crumbling? Because it looked cool. However, the mention of Perun''s name immediately deflated me from my sudden outburst of energy.

    I sighed. "That guy is awfully active for someone who is meant to be dead, dead."

    "You have weakened Veles enough that his brother is capable of manifesting,"

    Thistle replied. "He is only able to manifest here in your soul, though."

    "My what now?" I asked, turning my head to her.

    Thistle sighed. "Imagine you''re ripping off He Who Fights with Monsters."

    "You read that?" I asked.

    "I have been trapped in your unconscious with no one but a talking horse for months," Thistle said. "I am now familiar with all of your pop culture, childhood, and masturbation fantasies."

    I stared at her. "Never share that thing with Agata. In my defense, I once woke up with her naked in my bed. That puts thoughts on your head."

    Thistle stared at me. "Do you want me to assume her form?"

    I blinked. "What? No!"

    "It is your prerogative as my god," Thistle said.

    "Way to make this even creepier," I said. "Wait, did you say a talking horse?"

    "If that''s your preference, I may have chosen the wrong god," Thistle said, crossing her arms.

    I narrowed my eyes. "No, I''m saying, is Stompy back? Can I talk to him?"

    "Yes," Thistle said, sighing.

    With that, there was a crack of thunder and a cloud of black smoke before I saw the return of my beloved steed. Stompy was a demon steed, a nightmare if you played D&D, and a beautiful example of a stallion but as removed from mortal breeds as succubi were from women. He had glowing red eyes and a set of black leather wings that were new.

    I opened my arms and tried to hug him. "Stompy, I am so glad to see you."

    Stompy took a few steps backward. "Just because I died to save you doesn''t mean we''re in the hugging territory, Lord Aaron."

    "I''m not a lord," I said.

    "You''re a god," Stompy said. "That means that you''re a lord. Perhaps the least god of the pantheons of Mokosh but a god, nevertheless."

    It was a conversation point that made me uncomfortable. So, I turned to Thistle. "You say that Perun wants to speak with me?"

    "Yes," Thistle said. "He will appear when you will it."

    "Well, I will it," I said. "Also, is my unconscious making you dress like Rob Liefeld dressed you? If so, I apologize."

    Before Thistle could make a response, there was a crash of thunder and a flash of lightning before a two-story tall giant bare-chested man appeared. He was wearing a loin cloth and a helmet that sported the stereotypical horns that no Viking helmet had ever actually possessed in real life. In one hand, was a maul that was like a cinderblock on a metal pole. It fit into his hand like he was holding a hammer for pounding nails.

    He was a tanned blonde man with a thick beard. "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin played in the background with his appearance, which highlighted that there was no situation too dire in the world that you couldn''t make it ridiculous.

    "Perun," I said, looking up. "Nice to see you again.

    "Sup!" Perun said, saluting me with his maul. "I''ve been following your activities. Honestly, I have notes."

    "Uh huh," I said. "I''m kind of on a time crunch here, Perun. The other gods also want me to kill the Witch Queen."

    "Yeah, good luck with that," Perun said. "Honestly, I think you''ve been kind of dragging your feet. Trying too hard to level up to be able to defeat Veles. Level grinding. Maxing out your crafting. Really, it shows signs that you''re not willing to take the risks necessary to get the job done."

    I stared. "I''m sorry, call me crazy, but I thought the goal of this mission was to win. So I want to maximize my chances."

    "Bah!" Perun said, dismissively. "There''s no chance you''ll ever be powerful enough to defeat Veles on your own so it''s really just how suicidally brave you want to be when you assault him."

    I stared at him. "What do you want, Perun?"

    "To give you some advice," Perun said.

    "A lot of that going around," I muttered, sarcastically. "Everybody wants to tell me how I should handle this."

    "Success has many fathers, but failure is an orphan," Thistle said. "Old elvish proverb. You were alone when you were losing but now that you are winning, everyone wants to direct your activities."

    "Go ahead," I said, wondering what sage advice the Lord of Surfer Dudes (as I thought of Perun) would say.

    "Trust your gut," Perun said, surprising me. "My brother can''t understand you because he''s used to playing every possible angle while manipulating people. Even before the Twisted Ones got into his head, he was always someone who treated every relationship as transactional. The mercy you''ve shown your enemies is something he assumes is designed to be strategic. But he doesn''t think of you as just trying to do the right thing and help as many people as possible. That isn''t something he gets and it''s allowed you to run circles around him until now."

    "Until now," I said.

    "He''s on Earth now and that means he''s on the second worst planet in the universe for corruption and backstabbing after Mokosh," Perun said. "Worse, the public is eager to embrace the kind of power he offers. He is spreading all of the magic he stole from Mokosh via universal magical conductors or UMCs. Stop them and you can stop Veles."

    "It''s that easy, huh?" I asked.

    "I mean, he''s still a creator god and you''re totally outmatched but yes," Perun said. "Especially since you''ve been irradiated and the magic inside your remaining marks has been utterly fucked."

    I blinked. "What?"

    "Don''t worry, you''re immune to radiation unlike the rest of your group," Perun said. "Comes with being a sky god. However, the marks are useless right now. You need to recharge them."

    "How the hell do I do that?" I asked.

    "Gimme the marks," Perun said, holding out his hand.

    Even though Veles was a Trickster god, I handed them over as I was certain he had already exhausted his cheap shots for the day. Perun set down his maul and took both before holding them in the air, both glowed before he handed them back.

    "Thanks," I said, taking them. "So, they work now?"

    "No," Perun said. "They''ll need to be recharged, so to speak. However, they''ll absorb the essence of a divine being if you slay it."

    "Yeah, because there''s plenty of those running around," I said, having learned that I had a lot of sass toward the divine these days.

    "Belobog," Perun said, as if that made it any better. "It can absorb his essence and, if you choose to take that into yourself, it might give you the edge you need."

    I stared at him. "At what cost?"

    "Everything that makes you who you are," Perun said, not mincing words. "You tell me if it''s worth it to protect all the people you love."

    I didn''t answer.

    "You should be prepared for the Witch Queen''s treachery, Lord Aaron," Thistle said. "She is only helping you because she believes she can somehow steal your divinity."

    "Can she?" I asked.

    Perun shrugged. "You never know with magic. When you''re rewriting the rules of reality that we, the gods, wrote, it''s always up in the air. Are you ready to go back to Mokosh?"

    I looked up at Perun. "One more question: why are you and the other gods so dead set on me joining your ranks?"

    Perun''s expression didn''t change but he looked at Stompy and Thistle. "You have good friends, Aaron."

    "I would question numbering Thistle among my friends," I said. "Is she still brainwashed into being my slave?"

    "Being in your head has cured me of any lingering adoration," Thistle said. "But I will fight by your side to protect the elvish race."

    "Good luck," Perun said, waving his hand. "With what I''ve done for the bracelets, I won''t be able to fully regenerate for a century. I hope I''ll live long enough to see a pair of liberated worlds."

    "Yeah, yeah," I said, looking up. "Listen, it was good to see--"

    That was when Perun picked up his maul and pointed it at me. Everything went white and I was suddenly falling a few hundred feet over Crossroad Keep.

    Oh, and Belobog''s army was already attacking it.

    Mothersucker!

 Book Three - Chapter Twelve - The Battle of Dragon Keep

    At this point, I was about done with gods. I hadn''t believed in them before I''d found out they were literally real, but I''d swiftly come to appreciate them once I''d started receiving help from them. Was I influenced by the fact some of the "help" seemed to be in the form of attractive charismatic scary as hell women? Yes, I''ll admit that. To everyone but Ania because she''s even more scary than the goddesses. However, Perun and Larry managed to cause no end of trouble for me even though both of them were dead now.

    Currently, I was falling from the height of several hundred feet in the air. This was not the worst situation I''d ever found myself in but was probably in the top ten. That was before I took in the sight of Belobog''s massive two-hundred-foot-tall frame nearby in all its cyclopean glory. Belobog was an enormous tentacle-faced horror with green bibulous skin, wings, and an aura of mind-chilling terror that washed out from around himself to the point that only undead soldiers were able to surround him.

    Cthulhu.

    He was basically Cthulhu.

    Or maybe Cthulhu was basically him.

    The armies the last of the Old Gods had gathered around him were everything the Witch Queen had said they would be. He''d assembled a horrifying host of wights, zombies, skeletons, goblins, humans, and magically created monsters to lay siege to my home. They shouldn''t have been here, not for days, but I really didn''t know how long I''d been in Skyrealm. Either way, they were descending on the walls of Crossroad Keep like a swarm of ants with a particularly ugly kaiju in the center.

    Ironically, by some definitions of ironic at least, my last sight on Earth (or Mokosh as the case may be) wasn''t necessarily one of imminent defeat. I''d spent a massive amount of treasure upgrading Crossroad village and Dragon Keep''s defenses across the past year. So much so that I''d not only filled out the original set of upgrades but the second and later a third tier of them. So much so that cannon, wand-wielding wizards, and musketeers were firing into the horde of monsters assaulting the place. Catapults shot rune-covered rocks over the walls while ballista fired glyph-marked javelins that both exploded when they landed.

    Then there were the dragons.

    Dragons, as all fantasy fans knew, were the apex of monsters. Others might be bigger, faster, stronger, or weirder but it always came back to the giant lizards with human mythology. Dragon Keep had been created by giants in the ye olden days of Mokosh to raise dragons for the gods before passing it down to the Rose family so they could do the same for Ledziana''s kings.

    Our version had been less animal husbandry and more a mad scientist''s den as we''d discovered the secret of turning people into dragons. While creating an army of flying WMDs wasn''t probably the smartest move we could have made but it was the most effective. The lines of the enemy army burst into flame as they were dive bombed with mystical napalm. It was devastating and helped create openings in the front lines for the armies we''d teleported in to fight.

    Unfortunately, the dragons weren''t enough to win the battle as I saw Belobog reach down and grab two by the neck with its enormous fists. It crushed their necks and their bodies hung limp like it was strangling chickens. Not that I had any experience seeing chickens being strangled but that was a sight to behold.

    Well, time to die.

    Before I was about thit the ground, or at least a bunch of spear wielding goblin soldiers, I was grabbed in the claws of a very familiar figure. He''d grown into a adult dragon across the past year and was now a brilliant red scaled monster.

    "Sparky!" I shouted, feeling agony as the dragon''s claws bit into my side but not willing to complain.

    "Hi!" Sparky said, his voice now deeper.

    Sparky was the child of the Poppy Family that had lived an extended life as a cursed adolescent before we''d broken the spell upon him. As a result, he''d started resuming his natural growth. Possibly even faster than usual with a growth spurt that made up for the fact he was as old, if not older, than Ania and Agata.

    "I seem to have missed the battle!" I shouted, barely able to be heard over the conflict as Sparky swerved around back toward Dragon Keep.

    "No, it''s still happening!" Sparky said. "Big Squid Guy decided to come through a giant hole in the sky."

    Great, a portal. "Yeah, that''ll do it!"

    Sparky took me over the enhanced village, well, city of Crossroad and I could see that it was jam packed with refugees from all over Ledziana. The armies we''d assembled were also present, holding back for the inevitable fall of the wall. After all, for all the eventualities we''d prepared for, a giant squid monster hadn''t been one of them. I had to admit, in the face of something like that, I didn''t think our chances were good.

    Sparky took me toward the center of town where the heart of the Dark Undermasters was located as well as our (small) dragon army. It was a beautiful castle that stretched far in the sky and had massive towers, an extensive moat, and plenty of magical defenses that, unfortunately, couldn''t be applied to the town itself.

    Dragon Keep had been sacked multiple times under the previous champions and been rebuilt just as many times but had never been as strong as it was now. It was also the place my family was located and I had to admit I was more scared for them than the tens of thousands of people defending it. It wasn''t exactly heroic, but it was also something that I freely admitted to. Either way, saving everyone was the best way to save specific someones. Stupidly idealistic as that may be, it was also my way of life.

    "So, where we you?" Sparky asked, as the wind blasted against us both.

    "Skyrealm!" I replied. "I was adding neon lights there, crafting tables, and slot machines!"

    Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

    "Sounds good!" Sparky said. "Have you built a place for the ratkin to live in?"

    I paused. "I don''t think they go to my realm when they die, Sparky."

    "You need to work on that!" Sparky said.

    "I''ll think on it!" I said, more focused on the fact that the sky had cracked open and was now releasing a horde of winged serpents who weren''t quite dragons but were close enough for government work.

    Finally, we managed to arrive at the tallest tower of Dragon Keep where I saw Ania, Agata, Ivan, Bloodstorm, and Captain Crunch gathered. There was no sign of Rachel, and I had to wonder if she was among the many individuals choosing to fight closer to the front. I didn''t think she was dead, I was pretty sure I''d have felt something if that was the case, but I still couldn''t help but worry despite the unconventional nature of our relationship. Jon was missing too but I figured whatever he was up to, he was probably causing more mayhem than solving it.

    "Aaron!" Ania said. "You''re alive."

    "You ever doubted it?" I asked, right before Sparky dropped my body on the tower stone with a thud.

    "Yes!" Ania said, rushing to my side. "Belobog arrived early!"

    "Yeah," I said, climbing up and whispering a CURE spell. "I noticed."

    "Do you have a plan for getting rid of this thing?" Bloodstorm asked, looking at me.

    "Because, honestly, I got nothing."

    "It''s far more powerful than it should be," Agata said, clutching her staff tightly. "Belobog was less powerful than the Nightbringer, yet this version seems to be able to shrug off all of our spells like water droplets."

    "I think you guys are far too dependent on me," I said, making a half-hearted joke. "I think we should work on some training programs to get substitutes to take over in my absence."

    "I think--" Ivan started to speak.

    "Not you," I replied. "Veles must have given Belobog a boost on his way out. I don''t suppose our unexpected ally showed up?"

    "No," Agata said, "But she cast a spell that has proven useful."

    "What spell is that?" I asked, almost regretting doing so. I was at the point where I was genuinely sick of surprises.

    Belobog lifted its massive arms above its head and conjured an enormous ball of ice, one large enough to flatten Dragon Keep, and hurled it in our direction. The ball had to be fifty or sixty feet in diameter, glowing with magical energy. It sailed over the attacking army before smashing into a magical dome that shattered it into little, tiny pieces that rained down onto Belobog''s own forces. The dome, however, shuddered from the effort.

    "Huh," I said, looking at the results. "I''m going to say that is a good thing."

    "It doesn''t work against flying creatures," Agata said, looking at Sparky. "Which has its benefits and drawbacks. Our dragon advantage is something that should have won us the day decisively, but Belobog is immune to dragonfire."

    "That''s...not good," I said, trying to figure a way to turn this around.

    Yeah, I had nothing.

    "The armies have been pushed back behind the barrier," Captain Crunch said. "Thousands dead. But we''ve made them bleed for every step of the way. Unfortunately, that''s the downside of dealing with a necromancer. The death lords loyal to Veles keep bringing back their own fallen alongside ours, which has meant that our advantage keeps getting whittled down. We might be able to smash the dark armies for good here but not if that giant pile of seafood breaks through the barrier."

    "At least they bypassed the capital," Ivan said, smiling.

    Everyone glared at him.

    "I''m a king!" Ivan said. "It''s my job to keep up morale!"

    Captain Crunch rolled his eyes. "I prefer minstrels for that, lad. A king''s primary job is to keep the kingdom intact. If you do that, you''re fine in the annals of history."

    Ivan adjusted his crown. "Well, then I''m an objectively terrible leader."

    "Ivan the Terrible?" Ania asked. "Nah, that would never stick."

    Ivan glared at her.

    "I''m going to blame this all on my awful advisors, starting with your boyfriend," Ivan said. "Assuming there is anyone left to record history after today."

    I pulled out the scroll that the Witch Queen had given me. "I have an idea."

    "Oh thank the gods, we''re saved," Agata said, sounding a lot more sarcastic than she really should have under the circumstances.

    "Hey, give me a little credit," I said, pausing. "I''ve got us this far."

    Ania looked at the monster as it hurled another giant ball of ice at the dome, causing the barrier to shudder again. "Aaron, I love you, but you have to wait until the race is over to take your bows. Stumbling in the final stretch isn''t going to do anyone any good."

    Unfortunately, she had a point.

    "Do you know where Jon is?" I asked.

    "Unfortunately," Ania said, frowning. "He decided that he would help the Witch Queen and keep an eye on her."

    I stared at her in horror. "He does know she''s evil, right?"

    Bloodstorm chuckled. "To think we were worried about you thinking with your dick."

    I shook my head, knowing I''d have to adjust what little plans I had on the fly. "What about Joan and Rachel?"

    "They''re with the rest of the sorcerers trying to reinforce the barrier," Agata said, wondering where I was going with this.

    "Okay," I said, looking over at the large number of teleported boats spread across the side of the river and saw the dwarves'' largest one. "Can you guys combine your might to do something like, I dunno, lift something really heavy up?"

    "Yes, Aaron," Agata said, following my gaze. "But if you think we can take out Belobog with just a boat thrown at his head, I think you overestimate its effectiveness."

    "Trust me, Cthulhu hates boats going through his head," I said, making a reference no one but Jon would have gotten. "But I''m actually thinking of drawing from an old Star Trek episode called Arena."

    I explained my plan.

    Everyone stared at me as if I''d lost my mind.

    "Uh huh," Ania said, frowning. "That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life. Are you sure you''re alright, Aaron?"

    "Absolutely not," I replied, taking a deep breath. "But I have good news! My plan gets even dumber."

    "I don''t think that''s possible," Bloodstorm said.

    I only wished that were true. "We need to ride dragons around Belobog and weaken him enough to hit him with my suicide ship. Sort of like how the lions in Voltron have got to do some battle with big monster first before pulling out the blazing sword."

    "That doesn''t sound terribly stupid," Ania said, looking like she was waiting for another shoe to drop.

    Which there was.

    I finished memorizing the scroll. It should have taken hours but that was the benefit of having maxed out my divine intelligence. "Yeah, well, I''m going to bring back the Zoryas. I really hope I have the juice to summon both."

    Silence reigned.

    "Yep," Bloodstorm said. "I stand corrected. That actually makes the plan dumber."

    "You do recall we went to elaborate lengths to kill both of those gods, right?" Ania asked.

    "Technically, Aaron just fucked and killed Dawnbringer by himself," Agata said.

    Everyone looked at the pregnant priestess.

    "What?" Agata asked.

    "Huh," Captain Crunch said, shaking his head. "You are a very strange group."

    "You''re just now getting that, huh?" I asked. "In any case, we need all the help we can get and I find nothing at all suspicious about the fact that the Witch Queen gave me this spell nor that it summons two people that might hate me."

    "Or that it summons someone who is already reincarnated," Ania said. "How does that work?"

    "That too," I said.

    "You probably should be suspicious," Sparky said, not quite able to comprehend my level of sarcasm yet.

    "Thank you, Sparky," I said, patting him on the snout. "I wouldn''t have figured that out on my own."

    "You''re welcome!" Sparky said, cheerfully.

    And with that, the dome fell.

 Book Three - Chapter Thirteen - Summoning some old enemies

    "Well, that''s not good," I said, staring at the sight of the shattered defenses that meant a kaiju was now coming directly at us.

    "Oh no," Agata said, her look one of abject horror. "I should have been down there! I could lent my own power! We could have--"

    Bloodstorm came up behind his lover and put his arms around her shoulders. "You would have added a few more minutes. Nothing more. Now our hands are in Aaron and his incredibly stupid plan."

    "No pressure," I said, shaking my head.

    "Actually, consider yourself under an immense amount of pressure," Bloodstorm said, looking up to me. "Both the woman I love and our child to be''s lives are at stake. If you don''t save this, I promise I''m going to haunt you from beyond the grave."

    I''d have taken that as a particularly black bit of humor if not for the fact I knew he was probably serious. "Don''t worry, B. If this plan fails, I can assure you that it is because I''ve already died myself."

    "That''s not reassuring," Ania said. "What we want is to figure out a plan that will succeed."

    Yeah, that caused me to wince. I''d, justifiably or not, managed to earn the reputation as a master planner who pulled victories out of nowhere. Some people even thought I was the smartest man in the world, just not one of the wisest. The thing was that there was only so much you could do with the ability to quickly process information. For example, no matter how smart you were, you couldn''t make two plus two equal five and that was the case with Squidzilla over here. Technically, since Godzilla meant Lizard God, it was Godika, but I wasn''t going to fret over details.

    "Do you want me to lie?" I asked Ania.

    "Absolutely," Ania deadpanned.

    I nodded. "Yes, I absolutely have this in the bag. You don''t have to worry about anything."

    "Good," Ania said, nodding. "Aaron has got this."

    Bloodstorm laughed.

    Jon just looked confused.

    "Let''s go kick some ass!" Sparky said, blowing a tiny blast of flame.

    I held the scroll in my hands before deciding on my next move. "Ania, Bloodstorm, I need you to both get flying mounts. Dragons preferably. Please also get Rachel and Joan too if you can. We''re going to need all the magical juice we can squeeze."

    "You lost me with your metaphors, lad," Captain Crunch said. "But if you''re going to take that monster on head on, I wish the blessings of Svarog on you. Because you''re going to need them."

    "I hope you don''t expect me to fight," Ivan said, sucking in his breath.

    I didn''t disagree. "I need you and the Dwarf King to take care of Stage Two of my plan. Please hurry."

    Ivan nodded, probably just as glad to get away from the frontlines as he was to try to do something involving alchemy (which was what my plan depended on). Unfortunately, there was no real safety to be had if my stupid plan didn''t work. The siege of Dragon Keep was about to become a full on assault and there was not a damn thing we could do about it. Indeed, the next giant ball of ice sailed into Crossroad and landed on a set of houses, crushing dozens of people to death. A lot more would die before I could even begin my counterattack.

    As everyone rushed to do their part, I proceeded to begin my summoning. I''d have to trust Susano''s "gift" here because we flat out didn''t have a chance if she was lying. They would go from slim to nonexistent if this was a trick of some kind. Which was the real reason I was so gracious to my enemies. An enemy turned to a friend was infinitely better than just slaying an enemy and rarely backfired. Well, I mean, forgiving his enemies worked out terribly for Julius Caesar but he was the exception.

    Ahem.

    "In the name of Aaron, God of Push, I beseech you echoes of those who have passed before! Through my power and will, I summon you not from the realms of the dead but the realms of memory! Come forth, Zorya Nightbringer, lover and enemy both! Come forth, Zorya Dawnbringer, lover and daughter both! I command it."

    I really hoped no one heard the lover and daughter part because that would be hella awkward to explain.

    Sparky, meanwhile, looked at me. He was still behind me on the battlements and hadn''t left. "Lover and daughter both?"

    "There is a perfectly valid explanation that I do not have time to give right now!" I said to my dragon companion.

    "Is this like you fucking Rachel?" Sparky asked, cocking his saurian head to one side.

    "I am not fucking Rachel!" I snapped, irritated. "Also, who taught you that kind of fucking language."

    Sparky somehow rolled his eyes, which was something I never expected to see a dragon do in my lifetime. Mind you, up until last year, I''d never expected to see a dragon alive and, in the flesh, either.

    Nothing happened for the first few seconds, and I was worried that this had been all for nothing, especially when one of Belobog''s giant ice balls slammed into the side of Dragon Keep. Thankfully, the magic woven into the castle walls caused it to disintegrate before it could kill everyone here. That magic, too, had its limits.

    The Witch Queen had given me something, though, as the scroll started to glow, and I felt an immense amount of energy leave my body. So much so that I was forced to my knees and felt like all my "divine power" was gone. I was, instead, just poor ordinary Aaron again. Well, poor, ordinary Aaron and still a wizard.

    There was that.

    Two glowing blue-white translucent figures appeared in front of me, and they were instantly recognizable. The first was a beautiful elvish looking woman with a witch''s hat, voluminous robes, and long black hair with an enigmatic smile. The second was a tall, muscular, and yet still incredibly sexy Asiatic woman in armor with a ponytail so large that it went down past the end of her back. To be frank, they looked more like they belonged in anime than they did Medieval Fantasy, but I wasn''t going to complain too much. Err, because they were incredibly powerful goddesses we need the help of, not because they were hot.

    Honest.

    If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.

    "Hi," I said, getting up and waving. "Nice to see you two again. Sort of."

    "Ghosts!" Sparky said, rearing back. I was afraid he was going to blast both and cost us our advantage but he, thankfully, stayed his attack.

    "Yeah, kind of," I admitted. "Okay, Zoryas, this is going to be awkward to explain but--"

    "You killed us," Nightbringer said. "Which, to be fair, I kind of had coming. As much as I was able to purge the Twisted Ones'' influence from my mind, it was not enough to prevent them from bringing my worst qualities to the forefront."

    Dawnbringer looked at her sister. "I mean, honestly, you were always an enormous bitch. The big difference between you and Veles was that you were happy to have the living worship you."

    Nightbringer glared. "At least I didn''t trick my lover and student into siring a child on me so I could merge with it. That''s disgusting even by my standards."

    "Actually, your mother may have made it so you''ll reincarnate in Agata''s child," I said, pausing. "Which means that you''ll be my niece when I marry Ania."

    Both Zoryas looked at me in shock.

    "That is messed up," Nightbringer said, reminding me that she''d lived in my world as a punk rocker.

    "I know!" I said, throwing my hands out in the air and unsure how I could rush this along.

    "Agata''s baby is going to be your girlfriend?" Sparky asked, once more surprising me by reminding me of his existence.

    "No!" I said, grimacing. "Forget you heard that! It''s a secret."

    "I wish I could forget it," Sparky muttered.

    I''d say the gods hated me, but I had ample proof already. "Okay, listen, I don''t know how this works--"

    "We''re drawing energy from you to manifest avatars based on our past selves," Dawnbringer said. "Unfortunately, we''re limited by the amount of divine energy you possess."

    "If you''d absorbed it all we could do a lot more," Nightbringer said. "Your hesitation to become a true god may be a crucial factor."

    Man, was I getting sick of everyone telling me that. "Yeah, well, the wrist bands are radioactive. They got EMP blasted or something. Either way, it''s not an option right now. Any minute now, Belobog is going to stop hurling rocks and realize he''d be better off just knocking over the walls to let his army into Crossroads. So, we need to go kill him. You up for that?"

    "When there is war, I am there to inspire those about to die," Dawnbringer said, puffing up her (ample) chest.

    "That is a terrible motto," I said, staring at her.

    "I always hated my brothers," Nightbringer responded. "I''m in."

    "Good," I said, taking a deep breath. "Let''s roll."

    I could already feel myself becoming winded from sharing so much power with the pair of them and had no idea if I''d be able to sustain them in full combat. I was glad to have both women by my side rather than in my path, though.

    Both women raised their hands together simultaneously and conjured demon steeds for them to ride upon. I felt agonizing pain as they did so, more energy passing from my body. It passed quickly, though, and I moved to mount on Sparky''s back.

    "Mind carrying me on top than in your claws?" I asked, patting Sparky on the side.

    "You okay with me fighting now?" Sparky asked.

    That was a complicated question because Sparky and Joan were both still children from my perspective, teenagers at best and adolescents at worst. I didn''t want to be the kind of monster who put children into battle but, bluntly, I wasn''t sure there was a choice to save everyone. "No, but if you don''t fight, you''ll probably die anyway. So, yeah, we fight together now."

    "Super!" Sparky said, hearing none of the nuance. "Let''s kick some butt!"

    He reminded me way too much of my nephew for this to be anything but uncomfortable. "Yeah, let''s do that."

    Sparky proceeded to take into the air as I cast WEB to make sure I was sealed to his back. It would prevent me from doing something insane like leaping off Sparky to stab Belobog but, well, that would have gotten me killed anyway. Both Zoryas joined me in the sky, and I sucked in deep breaths as they conjured weapons: a magic staff for Nightbringer and a giant sword for Dawnbringer.

    In the sky around Crossroad, I could see other dragons had taken to flight and were readying for an assault on Belobog. There were a few less than when we''d started this battle, and it was clear that they were not the game changer we needed them to be.

    Belobog had started his charge toward Crossroad, stomping like a earthquake as he prepared to destroy the walls and let his army into the city. It wouldn''t be an instant loss for our side, there were a lot of soldiers waiting for his forces, but if Belobog stomped on them then there wouldn''t be much we could do about it.

    That was when Belobog let out an enormous roar that echoed across the battlefield. It was agonizing and partly mystical in nature, striking at the hope and confidence of everyone who heard it. "Aaron Bartkowsi! Come face me! I am the Lord of Good Fortune, and it is my blessing to share with you the gift of a swift death! All those you cherish will be smashed beneath my feet and all those you love will be slaughtered to the last! This is only mercy that can be shown them for Veles'' reign is at hand!"

    The wave of despair that poured out from Belobog''s words had an instant effect on a huge chunk of the army. Veteran soldiers willing to stand against the two-hundred-foot-tall thing threw down their weapons and ran for safety while terrified conscripts curled into fetal balls. Peasants and nobles screamed alike while mothers clutched their children in fear.

    Me?

    I was just pissed off. "Sparky I''m going to need you to get close."

    "How close, Lord Aaron?" Sparky asked, dodging away from spells fired from the ground by undead sorcerers like they were fantasy artillery. Which I supposed they were. Explosions were occuring all around us.

    "Real close," I said. "Close enough to shave."

    Sparky, I swear, grinned.

    Belobog''s eight eyes looked up, each of the crimson orbs zeroing in on Sparky and me. That was when he focused his despair generating voice on me. "You have come a long way to die, Champion. You will never know the touch of your lover again. You will never know peace. All to try to win a pointless war with a foe you could never have beaten. When you die, you will be raised as an undead horror that will be tortured every day for the rest of eternity as punishment for your hubris. You will be--"

    "Shut.the.fuck.up," I said, summoning every bit of my willpower and hoping that my time in Skyworld counted as resting.

    I raised the Sword of Perun up as Sparky charged right at the monster and I cast PUSH on the hilt of the sword as I aimed it with my telekinesis. It was the same tactic I''d used against the Wind Demon and the blade flew into one of Belobog''s eyes.

    Belobog reared back and let forth a below that threatened to shatter my eardrums. The sword sunk deep into its bibulous flesh. The squamous horror (which I''d always wanted to say) didn''t die, though. Instead, it just looked pissed off and you had to be really pissed off to have your emotions reflected on a giant squid faced demon''s face.

    "We got it!" Sparky said. "It''s hurt!"

    "If it bleeds, we can kill it," I said, quoting Arnold in Predator.

    "Demons of the Sky! I call upon you!" Belobog said, raising a tentacle-like set of fingers to the sky. "Smite these fools in my name!"

    It was funny how Belobog had gone from being a silent menace to a chatty cathy. I was focused on dodging out of the way as storm clouds rolled over the battlefield and began pelting down lightning bolts at me. It was ironic that I, the descendant of a thunder god, was now struggling for my life against a bunch of electrical attacks. Sparky was good at avoiding the first few blasts, but the rain of lightning didn''t stop and we started veering into a more coming down. I cast a GLOBE OF INVULNERABILITY around myself and Sparky that knocked away a few of the attacks. It took almost everything I had because the goddesses began their attacks.

    "Have at thee, brother!" Nightbringer shouted, redirecting his own lightning bolts in mid-air to strike at him. A dozen or more of them orientated and blasted into the monster.

    "BLADE OF HEAVEN''S STRIKE!" Dawnbringer cried out, conjuring a spear the size of a football field before hurling it through Belobog''s chest.

    My heart pounded as my eyes watered. I''d exhausted every bit of my divine power and the spells they were hurling were now drawing on my lifeforce.

    "Aaron, are you okay?" Sparky asked.

    "No," I whispered. "I think I''m dying."

    That was when the rest of my team arrived on dragonback, guarding a flying galleon sporting the flag of the Dwarvish Empire on its sails.

    Belobog was not impressed. "I will smack your airship out of the sky!"

    That was when the galleon smashed itself into the chest of the Old God, igniting the hold full of every bit of alchemical powder and flaming oil that we had in our reserves. Which was a lot given I''d built an alchemy factory in the city.

    The explosion was beautiful, detonating Belobog from the torso upward and sending his gooey-god parts in every direction.

    It also knocked Sparky out of the sky. I lost consciousness with the magic of my marks returning as they absorbed Belobog¡¯s power.

    ¡°GOD SLAIN.¡±

 Book Three - Chapter Fourteen - Devil in a Blue Dress

    I was laying face down in the mud of the battlefield, surrounded by huge chunks of dead god. It weirdly reminded me of the ending of Ghostbusters where they''d successfully destroyed Gozer''s avatar, only to cover all of Manhattan in marshmallow goop. Belobog was dead and I could feel the divine energy coursing once more through my marks.

    All around me, the army of Belobog was in full retreat and our forces were charging out of Crossroad rather than waiting to be assaulted. Dwarves, elves, and humans joined together to slaughter the undead that were as disorientated as a dog chasing its own tail.

    There was more going on than I could see as well with the sound of the ground bursting open in many places. Turning my head to one side, I saw thousands, if not tens of thousands, of ratkin pouring into the battle to slaughter the remaining forces under Veles'' command. It was the arrival of my "followers" and made what was already going to be a costly victory into the total slaughter of the enemy. I just hoped the ratkin didn''t get into a fight with our existing forces.

    "I don''t feel so good, Mr. Aaron," I heard Sparky''s voice nearby.

    Slowly, I managed to pull myself together and stood up. The world wobbled around me and a kobold with a pocketknife could have probably shanked me. Both Zoryas were gone, and I was glad of that since I doubted I could have sustained them in my current state.

    Sparky...didn''t look great.

    The red dragon was spread out with broken wings as well as a compound fracture on his leg. He was barely breathing and I couldn''t tell if he was able to shapeshift. We''d managed to take down Belobog but the aftereffects were severe.

    "Don''t worry, Sparky, I''ve got you," I said, hobbling over to the side of the dragon and casting HEAL. It made me fall to my knees again and spit up blood, which wasn''t a good sign. It was another reminder that I had wasted every single ounce of my strength conjuring the goddesses. Still, I focused on trying to heal Sparky''s injuries.

    "It''s okay, Mr. Aaron," Sparky said, sounding distant. "I''m okay dying heroically."

    "Sparky, do me a favor," I said, concentrating with every ounce of my power.

    "Yes, Mr. Aaron?" Sparky asked.

    "Shut up while I work," I said.

    "Right, sorry," Sparky said, ashamed.

    That was when my newly recharged Mark of the Champion started spitting various updates from my time since the assault on the Water Temple. The sheer number of EXP awards beggared description and were overgenerous, rapidly moving me up several levels at once. That resulted in all of my injuries healing over as well as my magic strengthening.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: THE NEW DAWN

    (A) - 50 - Slay the last of the Old Gods

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: SIEGEBREAKER

    (A) - 50 - Successfully defend Crossroad from the invading army.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: UNITED WE STAND

    (A) - 50 - Reunite Ledziana as a single kingdom

    Reward

    + 150,000 EXP (Discover way to Water Temple)

    + 100,000 EXP (Mermen)

    + 50,000 EXP (Kelpies)

    + 25,000 EXP (Naga)

    + 25,000 EXP (Vodniks)

    + 40,000 EXP (Living Ooze)

    + 15,000 EXP (Mud Monsters)

    + 45,000 EXP (Water Elementals)

    + 100,000 EXP (Temple Ogres)

    + 50,000 EXP (Belobog High Priests)

    + 50,000 EXP (Water Demon Priests)

    + 20,000 EXP (Giant Starfish)

    + 200,000 EXP (Escape Veles'' nuke)

    + 150,000 EXP (Reborn Verminlord)

    + 1,000,000 EXP (Enhanced Belobog)

    + 1,000,000 EXP (Win the Battle of Crossroad)

    + 500,000 EXP (Win the Battle of Crossroad without losing Dragon Keep or Crossroad)

    + 1,000,000 EXP (Reunite Ledziania)

    + Mask of Belobog

    + Robes of Belobog

    + Specter of the Twisted Ones

    + Ring of Madness

    + 1,000,000 GP

    MAIN QUEST(S) COMPLETED:

    DEFEAT THE OLD GODS SERVING VELES (4/4)

    DEFEND CROSSROAD (1/1)

    DEFEND DRAGON KEEP (1/1)

    MAIN QUEST UPDATED:

    JOURNEY TO BALD MOUNTAIN (0/1)

    Healing Sparky wasn''t instantaneous but I was able to draw from that sudden burst of energy to successfully cast the HEAL spell but also a CURE IV and CURE III spell. Enough that not only wasn''t he dying but he''d probably suffer no long-term damage.

    "Can you shapeshift?" I asked Sparky.

    "Sure," Sparky said, slowly resuming his appearance as being an adorable golden brown corgi.

    "You don''t want to be a young man?" I asked. "Because if there was any doubt you''re a Dark Undermaster, it''s gone now."

    Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

    "I''m good," the dog said. "Being a young man is hard. Being a dog is fun."

    There was something to that at least. I took a second to update my levels, noting that I''d almost reached the maxim of being a demigod. On Ledziania, only demigods could reach 18th level and reaching 20th level was the limit of all mortal beings. Checking my enhanced magic, I took a moment to cast MASS UNDEAD SLAYING and wiped out wiped out a remaining couple of dozen fleeing skeletons.

    REWARDS

    2500 EXP (Skeletons)

    ARAGORN ¡°AARON¡± BARTKOWSKI

    LVL: 17

    CLASS: UNDERMASTER SORCERER (MASTER RANGER)

    ALIGNMENT: GRAY

    AGE: 34

    SEX: MALE

    RACE: HUMAN (Demigod)

    STR: 12 (19)

    AGI: 10 (11)

    CON: 11

    INT: 30

    WIS: 11

    COM: 15 (16)

    CHA: 15

    ARMOR CLASS: 27

    ATTACK: +9 (+19 to ATTACK, 1d10+19/23 [Undead] DAM, Sword of Perun [Lightning, Holy, INT bonus])

    HEALTH: 96

    DIVINITY: 7

    FEAT: Taunt, Sword and Shield, Two Handed Fighting, Tracking, Craft Magical Items/Recharge Magical Items, Leadership

    SPECIAL ABILITIES: ARCANE FIRE (1d6+13 INT bonus, Eldritch Damage, x3 Staff of Dragon Kings, Critical Hit Possible), BLOCK (requires shield), LESSER MAGIC (unlimited times per day), COUNTERSPELL, DIVINE ENHANCEMENT [Push]

    LESSER MAGIC EFFECTS: CLEAN SELF, CREATE FOOD, CREATE FIRE, CREATE WATER, MINOR ILLUSION, REFRESH, TELEKENESIS (1 Kilo per INT bonus), VENTRILOQUISM, MEND, TORCHLIGHT, SILENT WALK, IDENTIFY MAGICAL OBJECT, LESSER SENDING (Party Only), BLESS, SOOTHE ANIMAL

    SPELL LIST (MAX/5/5/5/5/5/3/3/2)

    [1] ARMOR, CURE, FRIENDSHIP, JUMP, PUSH [+++]

    [2] ANIMAL SUMMONING, ENTANGLE, SILENCE, WEB

    [3] CURE (II), LESSER CHARM, LIGHTNING BOLT, NEUTRALIZE POISON, SUGGESTION

    [4] BANISHMENT, CURE (III), POLYMORPH OTHER, DIVINE BOW, REMOVE CURSE

    [5] CURE (IV), DRAGONBREATH, IMPROVED LIGHTNING BOLT, REVIVE, SUNSTRIKE

    [6] CHAIN LIGHTNING, GLOBE OF INVULNERABILITY, HEAL

    [7] AARON''S AWESOME BATHHOUSE, RAINBOW BLAST, RESURRECTION,

    [8] MASS UNDEAD SLAYING, PLANESHIFT

    SPIRIT SUMMONS: STOMPY, THISTLE, RUSALKA, ZORYA DAWNBRINGER, ZORYA NIGHBRINGER, SPARKY, LEGALLY DISTINCT COPY OF ASH FROM EVIL DEAD

    STATUS EFFECTS:

    * Alchemical Stone (White): You recover 20 HP after a short rest and status ailments

    * Blessing of Zorya Dawnbringer: +1 to AGL, +1 to AGI

    * Ring of Ogre Strength: STR is 19 when wearing this

    * Boots of speed: Double Movement Speed, Dodge Roll Bonus

    * Ranger¡¯s Mark: +4 to hit/damage against Undead

    * +4 to all Saving Throws [Divine]

    * Can cast PERUN''S DIVINE LIGHTNING BOLT once per day

    * DIVINE SENSES [Always Active, No Penalties to Environment]

    * Can grant 1<sup>st</sup> and 2<sup>nd</sup> level spells to priests and answer PRAYER [ACTIVE]

    Level 17 to 18

    1,002,500/3,000,000

    "So, we won, Mr. Aaron?" Sparky asked, looking around to the bloody battlefield and the losses surrounding us.

    None of the troopers had bothered to approach me when I was down in the mud, possibly because of the presence of a nearby dragon but just as likely because there was no way to tell me from the hundreds of other Dark Undermasters that had been trained in the past year. The reasons kings wore crowns was because you couldn''t recognize most people by sight unless they had the regalia to let you know.

    We''d managed to win a crushing victory today and everyone had a right to celebrate but the fact was that hundreds, probably thousands, of people on ''our'' side had died. There were also victims on the side of the genocidal monsters too. The living that had been pressed into service or transformed into sentient undead against their well. Ledziana was now free of the curse of Veles but who knew for how long.

    "Sort of," I said, being honest with myself. "War isn''t exactly the way they speak of it in the songs."

    "You killed a giant god with an exploding ship while riding a dragon," Sparky said.

    "Well, yes," I said.

    "Two goddesses were fighting by your side, both of whom were your lovers," Sparky said.

    "You''re too young to be thinking about that," I said, annoyed.

    "It is exactly how the songs are," Sparky said.

    "Right," I said, noting he was probably right. "Yeah, I don''t do this for fame."

    "I mean, everyone will attribute to Garland of Nowhere and not you so that''s not why you do it," Sparky said, joking around.

    I snorted. "Yeah, well, someday people will write a true story of war and all of its costs."

    "Probably not," Sparky said. "Then people wouldn''t want to do it."

    That struck me as very funny in the moment before I shook my head. "I''m going to go talk with the commanders of our armies forces and try to see who is in charge of the ratkin. Maybe we can keep everyone from attacking one another."

    "Good luck, Mr. Aaron," Sparky said. "Can I tell Ms. Ania to come down to see you?"

    "Please do," I said, really looking forward to spending some more time with her. Hopefully, I still had a couple of days to get to the portal on Bald Mountain.

    Unfortunately, that was something I was going to have to broach with the others. I was 90% certain that they would all agree to come with to finish off Veles but the fact was that still left a 10% uncertainty. Agata had other responsibilities to look after now and so did Bloodstorm. Sparky and Joan were people I didn''t want to drag into war at their age. Ania would be by my side hell or high water, but Earth wasn''t her home. Rachel was someone that I hadn''t really gotten to know that well in our time together despite, or more likely because, of our unusual relationship. About the only person that I could 100% rely on with any certainty was Jon and that was just a depressing thought.

    Sparky prepared to take flight as I was soon to be left alone in the mud among the corpses and large chunks of dead god.

    "It seems my faith was well placed in you, Lord Bartkowski," A familiar voice spoke from my side.

    "Great," I said, turning around to see the beautiful but sinister form of Susano. Jon was sitting on her shoulder. Susano was wearing a loose blue dress that showed a generous amount of everything. It was an effect diluted by the fact that I knew she was a mummified corpse that just so happened to have a pleasant seeming.

    "Hey, Aaron!" Jon waved a wing at me. "I wanted to help you during the whole apocalyptic battle thing, but Susano said not to. For some reason that seemed really important."

    I checked Jon''s character status on my interface.

    JON SNOWAN [Status: Charmed]

    Oh crap.

    Sparky didn''t take flight, assuming a defensive position.

    "It is time for us to go," Susano said.

    "What now?" I asked.

    "Yes," Susano said.

 Book Three - Chapter Fifteen - Journey to Bald Mountain

    "What if I don''t want to go with you?" I asked, not exactly feeling up to the whole business of solo questing with the Witch Queen.

    Jon stared at me like I was an idiot. "I don''t think this is exactly an offer you can refuse, Aaron. Believe me, I understand you wanting to. Personally, I wish you would. I can handle this femme fatale and all her wily ways. Two''s company, three''s a crowd."

    "I thought Three''s Company was the name of the TV show," I said, staring. "My dad used to date the woman who did the thighmaster."

    Jon stared. "I have so many questions about how the Most Interesting Man in the WorldTM had a son as dull as you."

    "Those commercials really are based on him," I said, remembering one of my dad¡¯s stories about how the beer licensed his life¡¯s rights. "That and the Chuck Norris jokes. My dad and Chuck were apparently sparring partners."

    Jon raised a wing to ask another question.

    "We''re going now, or you won''t go at all," Susanos said, coldly. "Do you want to defeat Veles or not?"

    "I do," I said, pointing to all the devastation around us. "I''d do anything to keep this from happening again."

    "Should I blast the woman?" Sparky asked, making a boneheaded statement only matched by some of the things I''d said.

    "Nope," I said, patting him on the snout. "All I''m saying is, Susanos, that I think I''m a package deal with my fellows. If we have a chance to defeat Veles then it probably will be a team effort."

    "You''re talking about defeating the god of evil, not coaching a little league," Jon said.

    I frowned, wondering if it would be possible to break Jon of his curse. The problem was that under his status effect, he would probably fight for Susanos against me. I still remembered my time under the control of Mrs. Grubb and while it sounded hilarious, "Haha, a hag woman lures adventurers to screw her instead of investigate all the people she murdered.", it had been objectively terrifying.

    Okay, it didn¡¯t sound that hilarious either.

    I''d been hanging around Jon for too long.

    Maybe it was the fact she''d looked like Jennifer Connolly.

    "Which is why I think everyone would be onboard," I replied to Susanos, not really addressing Jon at all.

    "Is this because you think I''m going to betray you and you worry that you won''t have any backup when it happens?" Susanos asked.

    I blinked. I hadn''t seen directly addressing that issue coming. "Err, kind of."

    Susanos looked bored. "Believe me, Aaron Bartkowski of Michigan, I do not have any interest in you. If I did, i would have killed you now and tried to seize the marks on your wrists. They would elevate me to the status of a petty god should I figure out how to harness their power and slay you. However, I have no interest in being a petty god."

    I blinked. "So, your argument is you absolutely would betray me if it was worth your time but I''m too basic for you to stab in the back."

    "You are, in simple terms, too underleveled in your gear," Susanos said. "You''ve moved up considerably but we''re talking sixties and seventies versus nearing twenty."

    It was weird hearing her use RPG speak. "You''d do well at Epic DungeoneeringTM."

    I was presently debating whether to try to fight Susanos now that I''d defeated Belobog. It would have been an objectively stupid move to fight her alone, but I had Sparky at my side and the others were nearby. I might be able to survive fighting her long for the others to join in and if we could beat Cthulhu, I was pretty sure we could beat her. Excepting, of course, that it''d taken throwing a bolt full of magical gunpowder and dynamite at him.

    A bigger consideration, though, was that I''d been given a direct task to kill Susanos by the gods. I hadn''t suddenly become religious. I liked some of the gods but I liked Jon and Maelor the Black too, but I didn''t want to be taking orders from them. They''d pretty much proven they were all manipulative sons of bitches like the late Larry C.C. Weiss, even Mokosh.

    However, the situation here was a pretty classic RPG dilemma of who to side with. Like in Dragon Age: Origins when you can either help the elves, help the werewolves, or figure out a way to do both. I didn''t see the last option happening despite my enhanced intelligence. I also knew where I stood with the Southern Kingdom''s gods in a way that I didn''t with the Witch Queen.

    "I''m the CEO of Epic DungeoneeringTM or, I was, at least, until Veles overthrew me," Susanos said. "At least I used to be. I was the one who came up with the idea that we should lure Larry C.C. Weis into writing the Garland''s story before turning it into a multimedia franchise."

    I blinked. "So, you''re Zuzanna Czarownica."

    Zuzanna Czarownica was someone I''d never met in person but was on the walls of the studios where I''d worked as well as the occasional issue of WIRED or the website (not the magazine) of FORBES. She wasn''t someone who sought publicity despite building a multi-billion-dollar empire out of a video game company. The woman in the picture had also been touched up enough that I hadn''t made an immediate connection. That and I was just terrible with faces.

    "Yes, her name was literally Susan the Witch," Jon said. "Not really making much effort to hide her identity."

    "Yes, I am," Susanos said. "Working with the Wise Man allowed for a steady supply of faith to be poured into the Old Gods as well as Perun himself. Enough to create the Marks of the Champion as well as feed Veles. The idiotic veneration of people buying comics, action figures, and wasting hours of time in front of the idiot box was not as pure as true faith but quantity has a quality all its own. Dark Undermaster 3 sold fifty million units alone and that''s not including the TV show''s audience. When the Kingdom of Poland existed during the Middle Ages, it had a million and a half people."

    The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

    I stared at her. "So, you were plotting against Veles for some time."

    "I was hedging my bets," Susanos said. "Whatever the case, it also created a bond between Veles and Earth that would eventually allow him to manifest on your world. That is why your world is in danger and that is why we must go now. Veles knows that the public is fickle and with no more books coming from Weiss, who realized what we were doing was empowering Veles as well as the champions, this will be his last opportunity to carry out his plan."

    "Ow," Sparky said, blinking his big draconic eyes. "That makes my head hurt."

    "Mine too, buddy," I said.

    "But to explain to you, I only need you, Aaron," Susanos said, simply.

    "The rest of your team is Destiny''s Child while you''re Beyonce," Jon said. "You know, expect not nearly as hot, cool, or capable of doing multiple musical genres."

    "I have my own group. Which you are now a part of," Susanos said, snapping her fingers.

    There was a flash of light and I found myself standing next to Susanos. Sparky was gone and we were sitting on the top of a mountain as the skies shuddered with thunderclouds, pouring down a chilly rain. No sunlight was penetrating the place and the only illumination was the lightning that crackled every few seconds. The mountaintop was about the size of a football field''s interior and there were shattered ruins of a temple as well as tombs spread throughout.

    It reminded me of one of the final levels of Eldritch Ring where you were supposed to face down the Death God/Goddess. There was a sense of oppression to the air and I couldn''t help but feel chilled from more than the rain. This was a place of great evil and far more corrupt and twisted than any of the warped Great Temples.

    "Where the hell am I?" I asked, turning around in confusion. "Where''s Sparky?"

    My mark began to rapidly ding, letting me know my status was being updated.

    SPARKY HAS LEFT THE PARTY

    ANIA ROSE HAS LEFT PARTY

    AGATA ROSE HAS LEFT PARTY

    KRAGEN BLOODSTORM HAS LEFT THE PARTY

    POPE JOAN THE WISE HAS LEFT PARTY

    IVAN CROOKBACK HAS LEFT PARTY

    SUSANOS THE WITCH QUEEN HAS JOINED THE PARTY

    "You know where you are," Susanos said, chuckling. "As for the dragon boy, we don''t need him. Nor do we need your other associates. I hope my teleporting you against your will shows that I can be trusted."

    "How''s that?" I asked, furious. I knew, at least, where I was: Bald Mountain. Veles'' former domain.

    The place that was supposed to be where we had our final showdown. I knew not just because it was the most logical place but because "Night on Bald Mountain" from Disney''s Fantasia started to play on my mark.

    "I could have teleported you to space or the bottom of the ocean," Susanos said. "The differences in our power are of kind not just level. You will require my power as well as that of my associates to survive even a second against Veles."

    "Right," I said, accepting her logic for now. "You''re not really convincing me I don''t need my part."

    "Hey, man, it sucks to be them," Jon said, flapping his wings while remaining on Susanos'' shoulder. "However, look at the bright side, Agata is going to be able to have her baby in peace."

    "I induced labor before we left," Susanos said. "That should provide us with a distraction until we have left this plane."

    "Or she''s going to be absolutely miserable for the next few day," Jon replied. "Then miserable for the next eighteen years because kids suck."

    I took a deep breath. "I guess I don''t have a choice at this point, do I?"

    "You did, until now," Susanos said.

    ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: THE LESSER EVIL IS STILL EVIL

    (A) - 50 - Side with the Witch Queen over the Gods

    Well, that wasn''t reassuring. It seemed that this particular quest was on a timer and I''d screwed up by not making a decision fast enough. What was the old adage? Not making a decision is a decision by itself?

    "Right," I said, sighing. "So, what now?"

    Susanos smiled.

    That was even less reassuring.

    "Now we go meet the others I''ve gathered," Susanos said. "A more...appropriate party than the one you have assembled for yourself."

    "They''re going to be a bunch of psychopaths and serial killers, aren''t they?" I asked, adjusting my hood to keep out the rain. That was one good thing about Dark Undermaster gear: it was very good at keeping away the elements.

    "Some of them," Susanos said. "But I prefer not to deal with complete monsters."

    "The regular kind?" I asked.

    Susanos laughed at that and turned around to head into the temple ruins. Veles had either trashed the place on the way out or hadn''t bothered with the upkeep over the past thousand years. It was far more like Castle Dracula than Castle Bloodmoon with webs everywhere, broken statuary, and no sign that anyone had been here for years.

    Nevertheless, the webs parted for Susanos and we headed into the heart of the central chamber, revealing a desecrated temple similar to the one inside Dragon Keep. Except Perun and Mokosh''s heads had been chopped off and the smaller gods had been replaced with their Old God demon forms. It was about as close to, ''This is a Temple of Evil'' as you could probably get without being the literal Temple of Doom.  Man, that movie was inaccurate to Hindu religious practices.

    Focus, Aaron!

    The temple had a portal circle in the back, radiating power that dwarfed anything I''d experienced up to this point. The portal network had once been a mainstay of the Southern Kingdoms and had elevated society to something closer to steampunk (magicpunk) instead of the Medieval hellhole it had been since the 1940s and the Great Darkness. That was when the deathrot plague, Twisted Ones, and literal Nazis had kicked everyone back to the Dark Ages. I''d restored a few but this was something that was akin to a nuclear reactor while I''d just been fiddling with steam engines.

    There were other people present in the central chamber of the Temple, though. Some of whom I recognized and some of whom I did not. The first two figures that came to mind were ones that I''d fought alongside already: Alek and Rachel.

    "Hi, Aaron!" Rachel said. "Or should I call you daddy around here?"

    "Seriously, she''s doing it deliberately," Alek said. "You realize that, right?"

    "I wish she''d develop another personality trait," I muttered.

    "Do you?" Jon asked. "Because I question that."

    Next was Maelor the Black, vampire brothel owner and former king of the elves. He''d been so bad at it that they''d sworn off monarchy forever and become anarchists. Mind you, his turning himself into a vampire via pact with Veles and then transforming most of their nobility had probably helped. He was wearing a special suit of black armor that incongruously had a Green Goblin-esque cap on top.  Bloodstorm''s father was an unusual addition here.

    "Hello, Aaron," Maelor said. "It seems I''m out of retirement."

    A woman was standing next to him, dressed in a black leather corset with two silver tonfas that had blades attached to the ends. She was quite curvacious with long black hair and looked almost identical to Agata only twenty years or so older, It took me a second to realize she was Maria Rose, the sister''s mother, who had gone from grande dame to Bloodrayne since her transformation to the undead.

    "Oh, uh, hi," I said, feeling very awkward about this meeting.

    "Is this the man sleeping with my daughters?" Maria asked.

    "The naked healing thing doesn''t count! I mean, I''m only sleeping with one! Now! Sleeping not s....fuck," I said, pointing at her. "Anything I say will just make it worse."

    Maelor laughed.

    Maria glared.

    Alek chuckled.

    Rachel just beamed brightly, like she didn''t have a care in the world.

    The final member of the group was a man in Dark Undermaster Master Ranger Armor like myself with gaunt, pale, and saggy skin with glowing eyes. That would have been disconcerting enough if not for the fact we had the same face.

    I knew him in an instant.

    "Meet your own personal Suicide Squad, Aaron," Jon said. "The Bad, The Worse, and the Nasty."

    MARIA ROSE JOINED THE PARTY

    MAELOR THE BLACK HAS JOINED THE PARTY

    GARLAND OF NOWHERE HAS JOINED THE PARTY

 Book Three - Chapter Sixteen - Meeting the Team

    Garland of Nowhere was alive.

    Alive-ish.

    Dude looked pretty much like a Death Knight from World of Warcraft and that wasn''t a good sign for him to be a potential ally here. I would have been relieved by Alek and Rachel''s presence but, well, Alek had already proven to be morally flexible at the best of times while Rachel''s agenda was inexplicable. At least if we assumed she wanted to call me daddy and live out some uncomfortable fanfics was just for show.

    Please gods, let it be for show.

    "So, the reason you wanted me to break away from my team is because you had a bunch of your own people to substitute and we can''t all fit into one party, huh?" I asked.

    "Also, to isolate you from your allies and make you dependent on me," Susanos said.

    "Ha, ha," Jon said, stretching out his wings and accidentally hitting her in the head. "Such a kidder. A real gut-bustingly hilarious Maleficent wannabe, isn''t she?"

    "Please, Maleficent is based on me," Susanos said, without a hint of irony. That scared me. Veles was already one self-aware villain and that was too many.

    "I shall begin opening the portal to your world, Ser Aaron," Susanos said. "In the meantime, feel free to meet with your associates. I''m sure you have much to discuss."

    "Really? What does the damned have to say to the damned?" I asked, quoting Brad Pitt from Interview with a Vampire.

    "Ooo, good one!" Rachel said, clapping her hands together. "Did you make that one up?"

    I paused. "Yes, yes I did."

    Alek rolled his eyes and walked over to me. "Listen, Aaron, this is probably confusing."

    "You made a deal with another evil overlord when I wasn''t looking and left the battle against Belobog to come here," I replied.

    "Okay, maybe not confusing," Alek said, sighing. He wasn''t nearly as witty as other members of the family but could still hold his own. "I failed to protect Celestyne and my quest for revenge against Weiss failed."

    "Yeah, he''s dead," I said, dropping that particular bomb. "Veles killed him. This is our last chance to stop him."

    Rachel followed Alek and frowned. "Aw, that sucks. Now we''re never getting that series finished. Do you think they''ll hire Brandon Sanderson to finish it?"

    "God, I hope not," I said, horrified. "Maybe Joe Abercombie or Mark Lawrence. Brandon Sanderson? Really?"

    "I liked what he did with the Wheel of--" Rachel started to say.

    "Guys," Alek said, interrupting. "I know that Aaron likes to run his parties like a sitcom--"

    "More like the Marvel Cinematic Universe," I said. "Most sitcoms don''t have giant monster fights."

    Alek sighed, clearly losing his patience. "But this is important. More important than you could possibly imagine. We have to defend our world."

    "Yes, as opposed to defending this one," I said, less than pleased. "My family and fianc¨¦ are here, Alek. I also don''t see that much difference between the people of Mokosh and the people of Earth. At the end of the day, they''re both humans."

    "Except for all the people that are, in fact, not human," Rachel said, interjecting.

    "Everyone is human," I said, quoting Captain Kirk.

    "Yeah, that''s just objectively wrong," Rachel said, humorously. "Either way, I''ve got your back during this."

    "Thank you," I said, meaning it. "I"m pretty sure Jon is brainwashed."

    "Yeah, boobs will do that," Alek said, not realizing I was speaking literally.

    "Undead boobs," Rachel said. "Which I know plenty of guys don''t care about but there really is a difference between living and undead. Trust me, I know, I''m a goddess of love."

    "You look like one of those Nineties movie girls who shows up to make a boring corporate guy''s life better by showing him how to have a good time," Alek said.

    "Yeah, I know," Rachel said. "Honestly, Aaron, you have issues."

    I rolled my eyes. "I refuse to be judged for the weird shit you did to me."

    "Zorya Dawnbringer and I are both the same as well as different," Rachel said. "You can''t blame me for anything bad she did. However, I can take credit for everything good she did."

    "Sounds like some of my ex-girlfriends," Alek said.

    Rachel leaned into Alek. "It doesn''t have to be ex!"

    Alek gently pushed her away. "Biologically, you being my niece is kind of a turn off."

    "Kind of?" I asked.

    Alek glared at me.

    Rachel put her hand over her heart. "My apologies if I ever make you uncomfortable. It''s just how I am with everyone. Love goddess, again."

    "Right," I said. "I don''t believe that in the slightest."

    "You probably shouldn''t," Rachel said. "In any case, the Witch Queen''s powers have limitations. She can control Jon but probably can''t Maelor or you with all of your enhancements."

    "Probably?" I asked.

    "I can protect Alek," Rachel said. "But that means Maria Rose is probably vulnerable. I can''t say on Garland."

    "Should we be talking about this in public?" I asked.

    "Absolutely not," Rachel said. "But she knows that we know while we know that she knows so that''s a thing we both know."

    I stared at her. "Gods above and below, you really are a Manic Pixie Dream Girl."

    If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.

    "I don''t know what that is," Alek said. "I''m also afraid to ask."

    "I''m just saying we''re prepped," Rachel said, looking at me intently. "But the thing you should realize is we all do want to destroy Veles. Veles made a lot of promises to Susanos a long time ago. Promises that became meaningless once he was corrupted by the Twisted Ones. I believe her when she says she wants to destroy him. That''s a thing you should trust."

    "Woman scorned and all that," I replied. "The thing is that I''m also pretty sure she wants to take Veles'' place as god of evil."

    "Well, duh," Rachel said, rolling her eyes. "Just because she''s the enemy of my enemy doesn''t mean she''s our friend. She''s still a bad guy."

    I sighed. "I used to have a lot more faith in redeeming bad guys."

    I didn''t comment on the fact that included Alek. I''d tried to reconnect with my brother-cousin, as Jon called him, but we had remained somewhat divided despite everything. Perhaps too much water had flowed underneath the bridge, or some crimes were unforgivable. There was also the possibility that Alek had gotten so used to me as his adorable dork of a relation that the fact I''d managed to beat the Old Ones was something he really couldn''t parse. After all, he had been meant to be the big hero before me and had utterly botched the job before pursuing personal vengeance. Not even my parents still liked him. Only my sister, Wendy, still came to my defense and I kind of wished she was here instead of him.

    "Yeah, that was probably before you started shooting them in the face with magic and then raising from the dead," Alek said. "Hardcore."

    I suppressed my response, which was that if I''d done that to him then at least Alek would have atoned for some of his evils. Instead, I tried to think of the situation from his perspective. "Weis is gone."

    "So you''ve said," Alek said, his expression unreadable.

    "That means it''s over," I replied. "Celestyne is avenged. We have to focus on Veles."

    I was referring to the Dragon Queen who had been the co-protagonist of the Dark Undermaster books.

    "Weis was killed by someone entirely different than me for reasons unrelated to her murder," Alek said, his voice cold and without emotion. "There''s no avenging here. He got away with what he did until he died of unrelated causes."

    I opened my mouth to point out that there were a lot of innocent people who had died because of Alek''s actions, allies of Weis or not. However, there would be no point. I had a very simple philosophy regarding justice/vengeance: it was alright to pursue it but it shouldn''t come at the expense of the living. The primary concern I had right now wasn''t whether the Witch Queen had razed kingdoms to the ground or was directly responsible for creating the possibility of Veles entering my world in the first place. No, it was the fact that I didn''t trust her to not backstab us before we were victorious. Assuming even with her help that we had a snowball''s chance in hell. Maybe I needed to find another nuke and give Veles a taste of his medicine.

    "I''m going to go talk to the others," I said, feeling less like I''d made progress here than just confirmed I was exactly where I thought I was with the others. "Maybe I can raise their approval ratings enough to get a loyalty quest or two out of them."

    "You realize you don''t have to continue to pretend this is a video game, right?" Alek asked. "We''re going home."

    "Your home, Alek, not mine," I said, sighing. "I hope I''ll be able to come back after this but I''m not sure that''ll be an option."

    That was another reason I was worried about taking the plunge here. Larry C.C. Weis was strong enough to send people from one reality to another and Veles knew how to bring out Epic DungeoneeringTM staff here. Bloodstorm had even made the journey to our world and back. However, everyone else seemed to think interstellar travel was almost impossible. If we did defeat Veles and the Witch Queen didn''t betray us, let alone if she did, I had no guarantee there would be a way to return to Mokosh. It would be worth it to save so many lives but I''d still be fucked over by it.

    "So, uh, Lady Rose--" I started to say, approaching her and Maelor. Both of them seemed pretty cozy despite events.

    "I have no desire to speak with you." Maria Rose said.

    "That''s rather rude," I muttered, still unable to get over her look. I thought Agata ending up a fireball slinging wizard had been a big change from the books. I supposed resurrection as an undead abomination tended to have a effect on you.

    Maria turned to me. "You look identical to my stepson, who seduced both my daughters and married one despite the fact that it turned her into an oathbreaker. You''ve since followed the same path."

    "Technically, I suppose," I said, pausing. "However--"

    "You have also usurped the family I married into''s home," Maria said. "While working in the name of the gods who cursed it."

    I paused. "I''m really not going to win you over, am I?"

    "Probably not," Maelor said. "I have encouraged my beloved to seek out her daughters over the past two decades. To make peace with the perilous circumstances that have befallen them. However, each time she has rejected my advice."

    "I do not wish them to see me as this," Maria gestured to herself, though I could only see her looking pretty rad. Seriously, I was a big fan of the Bloodrayne games and thought she was due to a revival.

    That was when the rest of my brain realized I was checking out my future mother-in-law and I decided to quickly retreat.

    "Right," I said, unsure how else to respond. "So, you''re coming with us, Maelor?"

    "Veles will destroy the entirety of the universe in his present state," Veles said. "The rest of the gods can team up against him and cast him down but will ignore him until he''s inflicted unforgettable damage on everything. I made my pact with a very different Veles and regretted it ever since."

    "And the Witch Queen?" I asked.

    "She cannot rule a world that does not exist," Maelor said, dramatically. "Tell me, how is my grandson to be?"

    "Being born last time I checked," I said, unsure how to relate the fact she was probably going to be a reincarnated goddess. "I think Bloodstorm makes Agata very happy and the two of them would make good parents. I don''t think that circumstances are going to allow them to be so, at least with this child, though."

    "You are very bad at equivocation, Ser Aaron," Maelor said, sighing, "But I actually appreciate you trying to warn me. I know the truth of what is going to happen to the heir to the Rose family. Something I think only you are in a position to understand."

    I looked back at Rachel. "Understand may be stretching things. I should have told her before I left."

    "Yes, you should have," Maria said, staring at me. "Now my daughter will give birth to an abomination."

    She was being really harsh. Then again, the previous Zorya Nightbringer incarnation had tried to kill me multiple times. How much of that was on the Twisted Ones'' corruption wasn''t something I could really judge.

    "You were kidnapped," Maelor said, defending me. "But Agata and Bloodstorm will survive."

    "Will they?" Maria asked. "Agata has been forced to be strong but she has ever been more sensitive than her sister."

    "That''s like saying compared to a bear, I have less hair," Maelor said. "I have faith in your daughters, though. In my son. In Aaron''s hanse. His true blooded companions that he loves as family. They will pick up the cause if we fail and if we don''t, we have given them the greatest gift we could: a future."

    "You are a really good dad for a former evil dictator turned pimp," I said, offering a fist bump.

    He left me hanging.

    "Gotcha," I said, giving a thumbs up and heading over to the last of the people here. "Yo, Garland! Whassup!"

    "Hello, Aaron," Garland said, speaking a throaty deep voice that was pretty close to the one from the video games.

    "Oh, you know me," I said, pausing.

    "You have slain the four Old Gods," Garland said. "You slew the Lord of the Vampires."

    "He wasn''t a real vampire," I said, remembering the fight with Radu.

    "You married my sister," Garland said.

    "We''re still engaged," I said, pausing. "You know, not wanting to do anything with the looming threat of ultimate evil."

    "Plus, you broke the curse on my adopted father''s ghost and homeland," Garland said. "Yes, I know who you are, Aaron."

    "I''m glad you remember that more than the fact I''ve been pretending to be you for a year," I said, pausing. "Sorry?"

    "Better you than me," Garland said, sighing. "I was never capable of doing the things that the Wise Man wanted me to. I''m a professional trapper and hunter of monsters but I wasn''t a diplomat, tactician, or leader of men."

    "I think you underestimate yourself," I said.

    "No, I didn''t," Garland said. "Maybe if I''d had Celestyne¡¯s help then we could have pulled it off but you know that she was not one to be dominated by anyone, man or god. Once she was replaced by the Nightbringer, I knew the quest was an exercise in futility. So I opted out."

    "Opted out," I said.

    "Died," Garland said, shrugging. "I was killed by my own men, Aaron. Men who followed you, thinking you were me. Believe me, you are a better Garland than I ever was."

    It was a strange situation being praised by a fictional character you''d been reading about since you were fourteen. Also, being praised for things you were pretty sure had been achieved by a combination of dumb luck and rules exploits. "Err, thanks, I guess. You were pretty set on staying dead, though, Garland. What happened?"

    Garland turned to me with his glowing eyes. "There''s a revolt in Hell."

 Book Three - Chapter Seventeen - You Cant Go Home Again

    "A revolt in hell?" I asked, skeptically.

    "The creator deities are lodestones of the universe," Garland said, as if that meant anything to me. "When the universe was created, parts of it came awake and coalesced into the first deities. If there was anything beforehand, I don''t know what or who they might be nor do I care. However, they''re a fundamental part of everything that--"

    "Yeah, they''re gods," I interrupted, confused as to why he needed to point that out. "You''re describing the definition of them."

    "Well, there''s gods and gods," Garland said, shrugging. "Just like Perun being absent affected things on how the universe fundamentally worked, Veles is the same way. He''s pretty much the incarnation of the Underworld for humans."

    I wasn''t someone who''d been religious before coming to Mokosh and still wasn''t that fond of the concept, but I wasn''t militant either. Still, it was hard to ignore all the fundamental truths of reality I''d been exposed to. One of them being that the creator deities: Veles, Svarog, and Perun were among the earliest beings in creation. There had been others, but they''d been there at the beginning, beginning. They could also combine into an entity called Triglav who, if not God, was a good Demiurge analog. Unfortunately, with Perun dead and Veles corrupted, there was no Triglav to keep all the other deities on point.

    "The Underworld is Heaven, Hell, and everything in-between," I said, remembering how it had been described to me. "At least afterlife wise. Sort of one big Greek-style real estate rather than a bunch of separate ones."

    "Yeah," Garland said. "There''s other death deities but they''re living on his back for lack of a better term."

    "And Veles going utterly insane hasn''t helped matter," I said, trying to follow his logic. "Which bleeds over into the entirety of all the various realms. Is that what you''re saying?"

    I was imagining fluffy cloud heaven under assault from the forces of a burning Hell like a particularly weird World of Warcraft expansion. It was hard enough imagining an afterlife but doubly so to imagine they could be compromised like this.

    "It''s more that breaking his oath has ruined things," Garland said, his voice taking on an echoing quality. "Veles being evil could be tolerated but oath-breaking when you''re the embodiment of the Underworld? That''s something else entirely. Up becomes down, right becomes left, and the supposedly immutable parts of the universe are all changed up. Veles has abandoned the Underworld for Earth and that means there''s uprisings of souls from all over. The individual death gods can maintain their realms but their power weakens the longer he''s absent."

    Well, that didn''t sound good.

    "So it''s like Kevin Smith''s Dogma," I replied. "Except when God was proven fallible, that would result in the universe being unmade."

    I hoped that wasn''t in the cards but, at this point, I wouldn''t have been surprised. It seemed that every step forward we took only ended up revealing that the road had gotten longer. This should have been the end of our journey, confronting Veles here on Bald Mountain, but now we were heading back to Earth. It was like the Kefka-devastated world in Final Fantasy VI or the revelation of the upside-down castle in Symphony of the Night. I didn''t want to purely communicate in video game terms but it was hard not to after a year of living in one.

    "Yeah, I didn''t watch a lot of movies while dead," Garland said, pointing out an obvious fact. "I mostly spent it having sex and fishing."

    "Oh," U replied. "Fishing? Really?"

    "I like fishing," Garland said. "You should try it sometime."

    "I don''t like hurting animals," I replied. "Just eating them."

    Garland snorted before chuckling. It was the most human I''d seen him. "In any case, I was enjoying my afterlife when everything went to shit. The afterlife for the good was soon full of zombies, the afterlife for the middling was at war with itself, and the hells for the wicked? Well, honestly, they''re pretty much the same. So, when Larry arrived in the afterlife and set things as right as he could, I agreed to be sent back as his champion. We have the afterlife to save now."

    "Great," I muttered. "No pressure."

    "He also wanted me to take over from you," Garland said.

    "Wait, what? He sent an entire message to me about how I was the only hope!" I said, appalled.

    "Yeah, well he''s a lying bastard," Garland replied. "I would have killed him for what he''d done to Celestyne but he was already dead so I didn''t see the point."

    "Yeah, how is she doing?" I asked.

    "Fine," Garland said. "I mean, still dead."

    "Oh," I replied. "Right. Well, Alek and I--"

    "Celestyne and I reunited in death," Garland said, cutting me off. "You should probably tell your cousin that his romance with her is not going to go anywhere else."

    "Yeah, about that..." I trailed off. "I''m going to be marrying your stepsister. Ania and I are together now. I hope you understand that your marriage with Agata is probably done too. Til death do you part and all that."

    "We actually don''t have that in our vows," Garland pointed out. "Couples are expected to stay married in the afterlife."

    "Oh," I said, pausing.

    "Divorce is very easy, though," Garland said. "You just agree before an altar of Mokosh."

    "Really?" I asked.

    "I was a shitty husband to Agata," Garland said, pausing.

    "You don''t say," I said, not wanting to comment on the fact he made her an oath-breaker and had a child with the Dragon Queen while she was married to a Mongol warrior that was supposedly Garland''s friend. There was also his relationship to Ania.

    This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

    Garland frowned. "You didn''t have to agree so quickly."

    "I mean, there''s not much room for argument," I said. "I only know your adventures from the books in my world. You were a great hero but kind of a cad."

    "Kind of is understating matters," Garland said, pausing. "I was an unwanted bastard growing up in the house of an incredibly honorable man. A man who loved a goddess and worshiped her but also honored his vows to his wife."

    I was about to interrupt his story by saying, yeah, I knew all that, but he kept going.

    "In the end, his own honor destroyed him when he tried to make peace between the Old King''s daughters and the Poppy family," Garland said, calmly. "Being a Dark Undermaster was more a place I ended up rather than embraced. It was a way of escaping the horrors of the past but you can''t run from your past forever. My sisters were prisoners at the Royal Capital and my stepmother the bride of a monster--"

    "I heard that!" Maelor the Black called from across the room.

    Garland didn''t seem to pay him any attention. "I sought to lose myself in the petty heroism of a monster hunter. I didn''t realize, though, that the overweight bard who accompanied me was the Wise Man. That he was collecting stories of me and spreading them around in hopes of forging me into his tool against Veles."

    "I don''t know why you''re telling me this," I said, genuinely confused. I wasn''t exactly good at social engagements. Even with my boosted CHA score, I still struggled to understand what people wanted from given conversations. There was a reason I hadn''t been doing a big Mel Gibson speech to all the troops preparing to fight the undead horde.

    "You need to know that you exist as a weapon," Garland said, softly. "The Wise Man, Perun, and now the Witch Queen are people who try to make you the tip of the spear they are wielding against Veles because gods are inherently creatures of stories. They believe that if you are someone that occupies the role of hero then you will beat Veles and save the world."

    "Is that true?" I asked, oddly trusting Garland more than anyone else in the group, at least with telling me how it was.

    "No," Garland said, simply. "It is a superstition no more true than vampires detest garlic or that kings are appointed by divine right."

    "Gods don''t play favorites there?" I asked.

    "They love whoever is supporting them at the time," Garland said, sarcastically. "But their favor is mercurial and swift to change. As the number of dead champions, as I myself prove, nothing prevents the gods from killing any hero seeks to overthrow them. Prophecies are more like a set of instructions than actual readings of the future."

    "Joan mentioned that the Weis Man, Veles, and her all had the gift to see the future," I said. "However, that just meant that the future was always changing since the people involved could adjust what was going to happen to their liking."

    I found that existentially terrifying since it meant everyone who couldn''t see the future was effectively a pawn to those who could. It was some real Muad''Dib Dune shit.

    Garland''s expression changed at the mention of the world''s littlest pope. "How is Joan, anyway?"

    "Cursed with a heavy burden that she has no business possessing," I said, thinking about as much about Joan being Mythras'' chosen as I did the gods merging Nightbringer with Agata and Bloodstorm''s child. "She''s remarkably well adjusted for a person who has to deal with people trying to kill her every day of her life, though. Ania has taken to treating her like a kid sister or adopted daughter, though. If she makes it through this, well, she''ll probably have to deal with even more challenges rebuilding the trust of the people."

    The Mytharium or the Church of Mythras was pretty hated throughout the Southern Kingdoms thanks to the fact that its policy for the past couple of generations had been to burn anyone who worshiped the Old Gods or had slightly other-than-the-norm lifestyle choices. I wasn''t someone who necessarily believed it was better to reform an institution like that than burn it to the ground, but Joan had done her best and managed to get the Empire on our side. At least most of the Empire. Quite a few lords and priests had the view Mythras didn''t know what he was talking about regarding Mythras'' will. Which sounds funny until you realize it''s real-life people being murdered over the issue.

    "I failed her as well," Garland said, once more ruminating in his own guilt.

    "To be fair, you were dead for most of her life," I replied, not sure if that was actually the best thing to bring up. Garland had been dead for ten years of Mokosh time and the only reason the world hadn''t moved on from his legend was because people had continued to walk around claiming to be him. He was the Mokosh version of Robin Hood or King Arthur but with a dozen claimants to the name, each adding to his story. In a way, he was right, he wasn''t the only Garland of Nowhere anymore. Garland of Nowhere was larger than all of us, including the original. That would drive me insane. Well, insaner. I wasn''t sure I had much claim to sanity these days given all the things I''d done.

    Garland smiled. "That is true."

    "You can still visit her," I replied, frowning. "After this. Be her father."

    Garland looked at me as if I''d said the stupidest thing imaginable. Which was an impressive thing since his eyes were glowing and couldn''t really express normal emotion. "You know that''s not going to happen. Besides, I doubt the amount of parental attention she''d get from me would equal the kind she''d get from another man with my face."

    I frowned. "I''m getting less of a compliment to my capacity as a hero now and more that this is just a way of indulging in your self-loathing."

    "You sound like a priest," Garland said.

    "Your priests do a lot of pop psychology?" I asked.

    Garland shrugged. "Whatever that means. Ania is lucky to have you."

    "She should be here," I replied.

    "Because she would have your back?" Garland asked.

    "Because she''s going to kill me for not letting her be part of the mission to kill Veles," I said, knowing I hadn''t had much choice.

    "Probably," Garland said, frowning. "But from what I hear, the Ania you know is different from the one I knew. Softer."

    "Maybe just sharper in a different way," I replied.

    That was when Susanos spoke. "It is time! The portal is ready!"

    "Oh joy," I muttered, about as excited as a kid who just found out Santa had brought him socks.

    "Good luck, Aaron," Garland said. "We''re going to need it."

    I didn''t dispute his statement as I gathered with the others in front of the portal. It wasn''t too late to try to contact the others, to make sure they knew where I was going and why but I couldn''t figure out a way to do it. Especially since they''d been removed from my party.

    E-MAIL OTHER PLAYERS? Y/N

    I blinked at the message appearing in my mind''s eye.

    I hit Y.

    A keyboard and empty page appeared in front of my face as I thought a very simple message.

    WENT TO BALD MOUNTAIN WITH THE WITCH QUEEN. THE PORTAL IS GOING TO EARTH. GOING TO KILL VELES. RACHEL, ALEK, MAELOR, MARIA ROSE, AND JON ARE HERE. SOMEONE ELSE THAT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN.

    OH, FAIR WARNING, NIGHTCHILD¡¯S POWER IS IN AGATA¡¯S BABY. LIKE, I DON¡¯T WANT TO SPRING THAT ON YOU BUT I HOPE YOU¡¯LL FIGURE SOMETHING TO DO ABOUT IT. I¡¯M PRETTY SURE SHE¡¯S NOT POSSESSED OR ANYTHING, THOUGH. LIKE RACHEL ISN¡¯T EVIL. JUST KIND OF INCESTUOUS.

    Okay, I needed to wrap this message up because it was already going to go down in history as the worst e-mail of all time. There also wasn''t much else to say. Well, maybe one last thing.

    I LOVE YOU, ANIA.

    I hit SEND.

    Susanos began chanting a language I didn''t understand as the portal began to swirl and shimmer like it contained a miniature hurricane. It reminded me a bit of the special effects for Stargate, but I supposed that was inevitable when dealing with interstellar (interdimensional? I had no idea if Mokosh was in "our" universe or not) portals. Eventually, the effect changed to show an image of Washington D.C.

    Except Washington D.C. had changed. The place no longer looked like the one I''d seen in countless photos and visited that one time for Mock Trial in high school. Instead, it looked like some sort of twisted cyberpunk reimagining of America¡¯s capital. It was nighttime and the sky was blanketed with storm clouds.

    There were black skyscrapers with red lights running along the side, one emblazoned with the Epic DungeoneeringTM E on the side, while the Washington Mall was nothing but a burnt-out crater. The White House was unharmed but now sported a set of red and black banners with a coiled dragon in the center. It looked like a hack''s idea of a fascist takeover of the country.

    "Man, Larry C.C. Weis'' books are probably better off unfinished if this was where they were going," I muttered, staring at the sight.

    With that, we headed into the portal.

    I somehow knew I was never going to see the Southern Kingdoms again.

 Book Three - Chapter Eighteen - Days of Future Never

    The arrival in Washington D.C. was less cataclysmic than I expected. I was getting used to the sense of queasiness that accompanied portal transportation, but it had still been like going on a roller coaster for about thirty minutes. Whether interdimensional or interstellar, the distance between Mokosh and Earth was immense.

    The world around me was utterly confusing and I briefly wondered if I wasn''t going back to my Earth but some sort of alternate version of the planet like in Star Trek or Doctor Who. At this point, parallel Earths weren''t something that would have shocked me. The place flat out looked like I''d stepped into Cyber Dragons 2080. That was a video game I''d worked on for Epic DungeoneeringTM and had the premise of Earth falling into a cyberpunk dystopia but also magic returning.

    "How can all this be happening? It''s like we''re in Hell or something," I muttered, staring at the sights around me.

    "No, it''s Hill Valley. Although I can''t imagine Hell being much worse," Jon replied, having moved from Susanos'' shoulder back to mine.

    The group had arrived in the middle of a back alley in the shadow of one of the skyscrapers that had somehow been constructed in the past year despite the impossibility of such without magic. There was a homeless guy lying in a group of newspapers that I didn''t realize people still read and he looked so drunk that he didn''t seem to notice the arrival of a bunch of adventurers from another world.

    The walls were plastered with a bunch of flyers announcing President Andrew Veles'' re-election campaign, to watch your neighbor, and a bunch of zombies attacking US soldiers with the tagline: THE LIVING VERSUS THE DEAD. TRUST YOUR GOVERNMENT. Which was perhaps the single most ominous one and not because of the zombies. The air also felt ''charged'' for lack of a better term and I was surprised I could still feel magic in the air. I had become accustomed to the feeling of sorcery while living in Mokosh and it was always there, like humidity in the air. You may not pay much attention to it but when it was absent, you felt it.

    It was definitely not absent.

    It might even have been stronger.

    Which was not a good sign.

    My bracelets both pinged and saw I¡¯d received, let¡¯s just say a substantial reward.

    MAIN QUEST UPDATED:

    JOURNEY TO BALD MOUNTAIN (1/1)

    ARRIVE AT EARTH (1/1)

    <u>Reward</u>

    + 400,000 EXP

    + 500,000 EXP

    Level 17 to 18

    1,900,2500/3,000,000

    It was a rather substantial reward for just getting teleported and walking through a portal. However, it was entirely possible I was receiving a reward for what the rest of my "party" had done, clearly having done a lot of slaughtering and mayhem to get Bald Mountain clear of enemies. It was also possible that, like with the Fire Temple and Wind Temple, I was doing massive skipping of Veles'' intended ''plot.''

    One thing that I''d learned while living out my personal RPG journey was that if you had the freedom to sequence break around massive amounts of combat like so many speed-runners did, you absolutely would. Even the fact you were rewarded for all the combat and dungeon crawls, most human beings were wired to avoid death-defying situations if they could. You needed a special kind of person like Bloodstorm, not going to say psychopath, but let''s just say a more ''Wolverine versus Spider-Man'' sort of story. Jesus, what was with all the Spider-Man references lately?

    It had mostly served me well and I''d probably avoided being killed multiple times because of my jurisprudence (there''s a word I don''t often get to use) but I couldn''t help but feel like I was underleveled as a result. Indeed, that was a reason why I''d spent the last year vacillating on going after Belobog. I''d wanted to level grind and make sure I was strong enough to defeat Veles.

    Maybe I had just been a coward. Maybe it had just taken beating three gods and all the other craziness to make me realize just how insane it all was. Either way, I still felt underleveled and unpowered for this throw down. Worse, my hesitation had clearly allowed him to change my world. People had suffered for my desire to get a slightly higher bonus to attack rating on my sword.

    "How the hell did Veles do this all in one year?" I asked,

    "He didn''t," Susanos said, looking around with utter disdain. "This is the result of Veles dominating your world for the better part of a decade."

    I paused. "What?"

    "Time moves differently between Mokosh and Earth," Maelor said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "You''re lucky your loved ones ended up being moved as they would have been top targets for the Deceiver."

    "They still were," Alek said, looking around. "It''s like they always say, you can''t go home again."

    I shook my head, still blown away by all this. "This was not what I agreed to."

    Nevermind that I hadn''t really agreed to anything. Larry had me sign a contract but he''d made sure it had been in Polish without any chance to go over it. I''d been so blinded by the prospect of reading the next book that I hadn''t bothered to note how utterly weird it had all been.

    "Yeah, who would have thought that Larry C.C. Weis would lie to us!" Jon said, flapping his wings a bit.

    I rolled my eyes. "So the entire time I was gone, Veles was laying the groundwork for his takeover."

    I felt like such a fool. I should have seen this coming. Hell, I''d had hints about what was Veles was doing the entire time. He''d been harvesting magical wood at the Earth Temple and  with workers from Earth. Bloodstorm had once worked at a Epic DungeoneeringTM shipping plant before being replaced with the undead. He''d been building up his resources here the entire time and I''d been too focused on Mokosh to follow up on it.

    A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

    "Yes," Susanos said, raising her hands and muttering something incomprehensible.

    Instantly, everyone''s armor changed their appearance to clothing more appropriate for the setting that made us all look like we were gang members from the Eighties. Susanos was the sole exception, who found herself in a business suit dress that screamed corporate.

    "Huh," I said, looking at my ripped blue jeans and leather jacket over a band t-shirt. None that I recognized. "I don''t think this is going to get us into the White House."

    "Veles rarely spends time in the White House," Susanos said. "What with it being in front of a giant crater and all that. If he is anywhere at all, it is usually the Epic DungeoneeringTM building. That is protected by his finest mercenaries and the death lords I was unable to persuade to switch sides. We must focus our attention on the UMCs in order to lure him out."

    "The what now?" I asked.

    Susanos pointed out past the city skyline to something I in the distance that looked like a bunch of Eiffel Tower-sized metal constructions. They were being constantly hit by red lightning bolts and looked like something out of cyberpunk Mordor, which I supposed America had become in my absence.

    "Wow, cell phone towers have really changed since we left," Jon said.

    "These towers are bringing in magic from the aether and changing the fundamental physics," Susanos said, absently. "It is part of the crisis that allowed Veles to seize control over this country and others. People panick at the sight of things they do not understand people morphing into elves, goblins, or dwarves will certainly do that. So will the appearance of dragons and magic."

    "Veles must be a fan of Shadowrun," Jon muttered. "I love those games. The NES, Genesis, and computer versions I mean."

    "I used to play the tabletop game," I admitted.

    "Pfft, nerd," Jon said.

    "Standard political philosophy for democracies," Maelor said. "Break everything and then say only you can fix it."

    "It''s why it''s a silly system," Maria said, wearing a tight black leather dress that didn''t come down to her knees. She also had poofy black hair and makeup that made me think fashion had gone back to the Eighties. My parents would love it.

    "It has it''s flaws," I said, pausing. "But you''re really running a crap shot with the whole king thing. Your child inheriting things is no guarantee of them being anything like even a theoretically good king."

    "Which is why you should have an immortal god king. Hint, hint," Rachel said, leaning in on me. She was wearing a mesh hose with a red dress that exposed generous amounts of cleavage. Her hair was every bit as large as Maria''s.

    "We need a six-inch rule, Rachel," I said, looking at her.

    ¡°Six inches of what?¡± Rachel asked, fluttering her eyelashes.

    ¡°Distance,¡± I corrected, annoyed that she¡¯d apparently inherited some weird combination of her mother¡¯s horniness and my snark.

    Rachel pouted. ¡°Fine.¡±

    "Immortal rulers certainly seem like a good idea," Maelor said, shrugging. He had a headband covering his ears, a blue jean jacket, a tank top shirt, and pants like mine. "Particularly when you''re the immortal ruler. Believe me, I should know. However, in the end, it becomes all too easy to fall into bad habits."

    "Like turning your nobility into bloodsucking horrors?" Garland asked. He was wearing a plain grey hoodie, tracksuit pants, and sunglasses.

    "Yes," Maelor said. "It''s better to be like the Sith Lords, only a master and an apprentice. That way you keep your rivals all in one place, but they keep you on your toes."

    Before I could ask how Maelor knew about Sith Lords, Susanos cleared her throat. "If I may interrupt the inane banter portion of the evening, may I direct us back to our plan."

    "You want to attack the big magical electrical towers, blow them up, and hopefully lure Veles out for a straight fight," I said, following her logic. Somewhat. "Which seems like a lot simpler plan than I''m really comfortable with."

    "The simplest plans are best," Susanos said with a lot more confidence than I think was warranted.

    "And you don''t think he''s going to just drone strike us," I said, referring to the fact we now had to deal with modern military tactics. Would we have to fight US soldiers? The police? What kind of resources could Veles bring to bear here now that he''d had a decade to consolidate his power?

    "That is not his way," Susanos said. "Believe me, I have known him for thousands of years."

    "You knew the old Veles," I replied. "The old Veles who hated oathbreakers and wasn''t actively trying to kill everyone everywhere."

    "Like Morgoth in the Silmarillion," Jon said, showing he wasn''t completely under Susanos¡¯ control. "Except Morgoth also wanted to destroy the afterlife, which Veles doesn''t want to do. Yet."

    Susanos'' stare could have frozen water.

    "Right," I said, pausing. "I guess we should go with your plan then."

    "We might not have time to come up with another," Garland said, surprising me.

    "What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

    "Veles is the god of your world now," Garland said, putting a neat little bow of how fucked we were now. "There may be other gods here but he''s managed to place himself on the throne of your most powerful nation."

    "Not the first complete asshole to do so," Jon said, making a comment both sides of the political spectrum could agree on, if not the specifics.

    "Which means?" Maria asked, looking at Garland rather than me. It seemed the only thing she hated more than her bastard stepson

    "It means that Veles may well know what we''re doing anyway," Garland said. "He probably sensed our entrance the moment we opened a portal from Mokosh."

    "Well, that''s not good," I muttered, contemplating the very likely possibility that we were screwed before the mission had begun.

    Susanos stared off in the distance. "All the more reason to do what we need to do. Quickly and with decisiveness."

    "Halt! Put your hands up!" I heard a voice coming from the end of the alleyway.

    At the other end, I saw two police officers, a white man and a black man, standing there in leather jackets with a V patch on their lapels. Both had their guns drawn. I could see their police cruiser not far behind them at the beginning of the alley. I hoped they¡¯d been close by or Veles already had our number.

    "Oh goddamnit," I muttered.

    One of them pulled out his walkie talkie and put it to his mouth. "We''ve got a Zero-B-Eleven incursion, sir. They''re seven people who look they stepped out of The Warriors. You know, the musical that''s based on the old Eighties musical. My wife and I--"

    "Die," Susanos said, extending a single bony finger toward the pair.

    "No!" I shouted, trying to stop her.

    But it was too late. The two of them froze up then collapsed to the ground like puppets whose strings had been cut. It was a reminder that I was travelling with casual killers and monsters.

    "That was unnecessary," I said, wondering if I had enough juice to raise one from the dead.

    "Do it and I''ll kill them again," Susanos said. "We don''t have time to deal with the local constabulary."

    I turned around and hissed. "Yes, because killing cops is going to make it so much easier for us to operate!"

    "How many guards and soldiers have you killed on my world?" Maria asked, looking at me with a dismissive look.

    I didn''t have a good answer for that. "Let''s go blow up the fucking towers and have the final boss fight."

    "That''s the spirit!" Jon said. "None of this bullshit about sixteen 120K books where the story just keeps going on and on. No, sir, we''re going to wrap this up, one and done with enough room to maybe do a trilogy but no more.¡±

    I stared down at the body of the dead cops on the ground, knowing they¡¯d already called reinforcements. There was nothing I could do now and I had to focus on the mission if I wanted to make their deaths worth it.

    ¡°Alright,¡± I said, taking a deep breath. ¡°Let¡¯s go blow up those towers and see if they summon the Devil.¡±

    ¡°Oh, he is so much worse than the Devil,¡± Maelor said. ¡°We could have handled Old Scratch at Level 12 or 13.¡±

    ¡°I really would love to know what people in-universe think of RPG mechanics,¡± Jon said.

    ¡°Bring them up and die,¡± Susanos said, waving her hand in the air.

    With that, I felt my center of gravity lift and found myself hurtling into the air.

 Book Three - Chapter Nineteen - The Battle of Ten Thousand Towers

    I had made a horrible mistake.

    These are undoubtedly the words that will be printed upon my tombstone. Well, assuming I had a tombstone. At this point, I gave even odds that I ended up a mindless undead servant, was buried in an unmarked grave by the US government, or was blown to pieces when Veles ate the Earth like Galactus.

    Was Veles going to eat the Earth like Galactus? I had no idea. He said he was going to kill everyone to achieve his insane idea of paradise. Was he going to do it with nukes? Exploding the Sun? Zombie plague? The last one seemed likely and that was almost a relief.

    I mean, zombies were slow and easily killed monsters. There was no way things would end like they had in World War Z. Even if the initial outbreak was everywhere, surely the governments of the world would know how to handle a pandem...okay, I hear what I''m thinking now.

    Either way, I was now travelling with a bunch of supervillains and we''d arrived at the scary ominous towers with little resistance. The place was being guarded by a bunch of rent a cops when I''d been expecting dragons or the National Guard.

    "Run you idiots!" I shouted, hoping to save them from getting annihilated when Susanos descended with the rest of us floating around us.

    Some did.

    Others pulled out their pistols and suicidally fired, their bullets bouncing of the protection spell that Susanos had conjured. The others proceeded to descend down to fight before unleashing their attacks on our surroundings. I wondered in that moment whether I would have to fight my so-called companions.

    Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your perspective, that didn''t turn out to be necessary. As mentioned, there was barely any defenses for the huge field of towers that were channeling sorcery from the cosmos onto my home planet. It wasn''t really a sight that inspired awe, looking like a combination of electrical towers and oil rigs really, but I could tell just how much it was doing just how much the air crackled with magic.

    It was, in a real way, the moment I accepted I was never going to come back to "my" Earth because it no longer existed. Veles had used the massive amount of resource stripping and experimentation he''d been doing on Mokosh to prepare my world to become more hospitable to him. He''d spread the stories of Larry C.C. Weis, even though he was the bad guy, because it made a place for him among Earth''s mostly silent pantheons.

    I didn''t know the exact specifics of how this all worked but I had the suspicion that Earth would always be a place of magic now. The problem was the only people trained in it were those already sworn to the God of Darkness. It was no longer an isekai, if it was, because Earth was now a fantasy world too. Why did that fill me with dread as a prospect? Ah, because mankind was certain to make something beautiful like sorcery into something that made the world worse than better. Even without gods of darkness putting their finger on the scale. God, I had become cynical over the past year.

    Maelor was the first person to attack the fifty-foot-tall structures around us, unleashing a black shadowy tendril tore it in half. There was brief explosion in its center as equipment caught fire and the tower fell to one side.

    "Destroy them," Susanos said, simply. "Destroy them all. We must make as much noise as we can to lure the Worm of the Underworld to battle."

    "And hope it''s not a dinner bell," Jon said flying into the air and transforming himself into a dragon.

    NEW QUEST ADDED

    DESTROY UNIVERSAL MAGICAL CONDUCTORS 1/10,000

    I didn''t have much hope for this plan working but certainly it seemed to be working. Susanos, Maelor, and Rachel proceeded to blast the towers with their powers. Garland and Maria used blades that slashed through the steel beams of the towers like they were tissue paper before pushing them over like they were anime heroes or superheroes. Alek used a ring to conjure packages of C4 explosives that he applied strategically, one after the other and detonated in the most peculiar merger of magic and science I''d seen so far. Jon? Well, Jon was burning them from the sky because he was a frigging dragon.

    Me?

    I was more hesitant because I wanted to make sure there were no remaining workers or security guards around. I may not have been able to stop my Brotherhood of Evil Mutants-esque brethren from killing anyone who stood in their way, but I could certainly get any survivors away. I hesitated to go all out but not because blowing up a bunch of government property but because I felt like wasting all my spell energy on towers was a bad idea if this was going to be just a prelude to our showdown with Veles.

    Real magic didn''t 100% work like in Dungeons and Dragons but was closer Final Fantasy''s early depiction of sorcery. You had spell "slots" and only X amount of them per day as a representation of just how much juice you were able to channel through your body. The stronger a wizard you were, the more could throw down. Blasting away at all these towers seemed like we were wasting a lot of energy before the big fight like running down the entrance to ringside before a big match. Which, probably, was the only MMA reference I was ever going to make.

    Indeed, the more I thought about it, the more that I realized my biggest issues here were how utterly half-cocked this all was. I didn''t know if Susanos had packed potions of refreshment or not. It wouldn''t have surprised me if she did or had another way to restore our expended power. But that was the real rub: I didn''t know any of her plans regarding attacking Veles, how to fight him, or other essential plans.

    I mean, I made most of my plans up on the fly (which prevented them from being called plans at all really), but I normally liked to make some sort of outline of a strategy. I knew my team and their capabilities as well as what they could do. Susanos had been deliberately vague with details and only introduced me to the others literally a half-hour ago.

    Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

    Was this some sort of trap? That didn''t make sense either since Susanos could have taken me out at Crossroad. Even Sparky couldn''t have stopped her if she''d wanted to. Hell, before Crossroad, she''d had us at the Elemental Temple of Water. Maybe I was overestimating her power level but I somehow suspected I wasn''t.

    I was still pondering the idea when I heard someone calling out. "Please, someone, anyone, help!"

    All around me there were exploding towers and displays of magic as well as combat that defied description. Maria leapt dozens of feet in the air to swing around a glowing whip that bisected the tops of towers off while Garland used freezing spells before shattering them with his own version of PUSH. It was a very noisy and distracting but I still heard the words.

    "Damnit, why did I have to choose to be Neutral Good?" I muttered, looking for the survivor and knowing that they probably weren''t going to think I was coming to rescue them. What with being involved in multiple felony murders and what was probably terrorism by the laws of our new Orwellian state.

    But I had to try.

    It didn''t take long, thankfully, to find one of the security guards trapped under a piece of fallen tower that had just barely managed to avoid crushing him. He was in his thirties, had a five o''clock shadow, and a bit of a belly. Certainly, he didn''t look threatening, and his gun was several feet away where he''d dropped it. He also looked terrified.

    "Okay, you''re not going to like me but I need you to stop screaming and stand still," I said, trying to be as calming as possible.

    The security guard screamed at me. "AAAAAAAH!"

    "Oh, for Pete''s sake," I muttered. "FRIENDSHIP. LESSER CHARM. SUGGESTION. I need you to stand still and let me rescue you."

    Using all three spells was overkill and probably the exact opposite of preserving my energy but I also was trying to save a life here. Thankfully, overkill or not, it worked, and the security guard froze up with his hands over his head.

    "Thank you," I said, taking a deep breath. "PUSH!"

    The metal flew into the air and proceeded to scatter nearby, thankfully not hitting the security guard along the way. I wasn''t naive. Much as that sentence would cause Ania and Alek to laugh at me. I''d been fighting a war for over a year now and it had cost innocent people their lives. There was no such thing as a clean war, even when you were fighting against annihilation, and people died who you didn''t want to.

    The security guard stood up then, seemingly confused that he wasn''t dead. "Thank you."

    "You''re wel--" I started to say.

    Unfortunately, no sooner did I open my mouth than the security guard''s face twisted into a horrific corpse-like visage. The face was rotted through and one of his eyes was missing. His mouth was full of greenish puss and teeth that were twisted into little, tiny daggers of bone. He was a deathrot wight and coming at me fingers that ended in claws straight from the tips of his fingers jutting out through his flesh.

    I sliced its head off with the Perun sword, cutting through bone and flesh like they were air.

    The wight promptly fell over and disintegrated into powder. It had successfully hidden itself from my so-called divine senses and made me realize just how screwed the Earth possibly was. The deathrot plague had almost wiped out the Southern Kingdoms and left some places looking like Resident Evil 4.

    This? This was worse.

    The zombies were among us, capable of acting like regular human beings, and I was without a pair of sunglasses to see their true form like Roddy Piper in They Live. No sooner did I finish contemplating this than my bracelets pinged.

    <u>QUEST UPDATED</u>

    DESTROY UNIVERSAL MAGICAL CONDUCTORS 58/10,000

    Yeah, we weren''t destroying these things nearly fast enough. I decided to put my maximum demigod intelligence towards figuring a way we could start a chain reaction or overload the devices so they could all be detonated at once. It was a long shot but something that might be able to make this go from being a pointless exercise in destruction to a very pointed one.

    Spotting the only building in this massive field, I ran up a set of metal steps and across a catwalk to the door leading inside. The door was locked but that didn''t mean anything to someone who had a magic sword.

    Inside, I saw, thankfully, all of the staff had run for their lives and there were no more survivors or wights pretending to be them. Some had even left behind their coffee and doughts. I grabbed an untouched one and some of the coffee before sitting down at one of the computer terminals. It was still logged on and I took advantage of that.

    Figuring out a wholly unique system that incorporated magic into it should have been impossible. However, I recognized the programming style. The computers all ran on repurposed Epic DungeoneeringTM bullshit software and apparently things hadn''t gotten any more advanced in the past ten years than when I¡¯d been working with back in Michigan. My mind also worked at an astoundingly faster rate. It was, to press my luck, easy.

    Too easy.

    WARNING - DANGEROUS REACTION OVERLOAD WILL OCCUR IF YOU REMOVE SAFETIES. DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE?

    Y/N?

    Y.

    YOU HAVE TRIGGERED A DANGEROUS OVERLOAD. THIS AREA WILL DETONATE WITHIN TEN TO TWELVE MINUTES.

    PRAISE VELES

    I didn¡¯t have any problem believing Veles would make it relatively easy to blow up the place. He was, after all, a man who had absolutely zero fucks to give about the safety of his minions. He was going to eventually kill them all as well, I assumed, or at least turn them into undead. Still, I was grateful when the alarms started blaring around the facility. That meant it would be easy enough to convince everyone else to evacuate.

    So, I ran out of the steps waving my hands. "Hey, everyone! The place is going to blow! We need to get the hell out of here!"

    No one paid any attention.

    Ah, goddammit.

    <u>QUEST UPDATED</u>

    DESTROY UNIVERSAL MAGICAL CONDUCTORS 115/10,000

    \Yeah, we weren¡¯t going to get this done before things went to Hell.

    "It''s going to blow!" I shouted.

    With that, Jon came down and turned back into his human form. He was wearing a Nirvana t-shirt and ripped jeans. He looked like he''d just come from a cover band concert.

    "What was that?"

    "The field of towers! I''ve set them to overload!" I shouted.

    "I''m right here, dipshit!" Jon said, annoyed.

    "I''m not..." I sighed. "We need to get the hell out of here."

    "We''re waiting for--" Jon started to say.

    That was when the sky split. A terrifying crack in the fabric of reality opened to a greenish black sickly-looking dimension where I could see spectral phantasms swirling about dark clouds. Hovering in the sky was the Eye of Providence in front of a pyramid, just like on the back of a dollar bill. It was the kind of visual you saw at the climax of bad Eighties horror movies only much higher budget. Descending from the sky was a cloaked figure that crackled with power as far above the other gods I''d fought as they''d been above me.

    <u>NEW QUEST ADDED</u>

    Survive 0/1

    "Meep," Jon said, sounding like a cartoon character.

    "Ah," I said, looking up. "I guess I underestimated Susanos'' plan. It was stupid but worked. Veles is here."

 Book Three - Chapter Twenty - The Wrath of Veles

    Watching Veles descend from the sky like an angry god. Okay, not like an angry god, but just as an angry god was something that I had to admit was impressive. As much as I despised the man for all the evil shit he''d done to Mokosh and me personally, he was a figure that still possessed the power to awe my mere mortal heart.

    Demigod of not.

    I''d faced Veles before, in a dream, but he''d never actually made a move to actually fight me. Really, he''d just showed up, terrified off the Wise Man and then sent Valentin to kill me. I''d always wondered why he hadn''t just snapped his fingers and caused me to die then and there. Now I understood: pride.

    Veles also wasn''t a coward, no matter the fact that he''d chosen to flee Mokosh. No, he''d shown up here directly with none of his armies. Veles was ready to hash it out with us and that took courage. Mind you, it was the kind of courage required by Andre the Giant fighting the Seven Dwarves but courage it was.

    Veles settled down close to me rather than any of the others among the destroyed towers and lowered his head before conjuring a staff that suspiciously resembled Skeletor''s from the Eighties Masters of the Universe cartoon.

    "Oh Aaron, still fleeing from the godhood of my brother?" Veles said. "I was hoping you''d take my warning and not do something incredibly stupid."

    I shrugged. "What can I say? High INT and low WIS score."

    "Veles!" Susanos shouted, floating over with her fists crackling. Each of them contained a lightning bolt and the fury in her eyes was something that made me think, death lord or not, there was something still very human inside her.

    "Ah, the ex," Veles said, sighing. "This is going to be awkward."

    "I challenge you, false god!" Susanos called out, her mouth frothing with rage. "I challenge you for the betrayal of our love, your worshipers, and all the thousands of promises you whispered before breaking them! I challenge you for the divinity promised and denied! In spite''s name, for hatred''s sake, I come to bring you the death you have brought millions of others!"

    "Khaaaaaaan!" Jon said, sounding desperate to find some distraction from the two titans about to clash.

    I honestly thought my friend would be annihilated in that moment, but I doubted his words even registered to Susanos in that moment. I had my answer for why she was acting so irrationally and seemingly without thought: love. Love was at the heart of her battering ram like philosophy and love would be our undoing or Veles.

    It was kind of sweet, really.

    Terrifying, but sweet.

    Veles, however, was not nearly as invested in her as the reverse. "My dear, it is not me, it''s you. Stars have been born, changed color, and exploded in the time it takes me to care about someone. You never more than a passing fancy, a convenience, and your worth to me is less than the dirt I could pick up in my hand."

    "Ouch," I said, grimacing.

    Veles wasn''t done yet, though. "Godhood? You? You have neither the pedigree or the temperament to be raised even to the least annals of my kind. Given near unlimited power and immortality, you have accomplished less than Aaron has in a year."

    "Don''t bring me into this," I said, frowning.

    "You wish to distract me," Susanos said, narrowing her eyes. "You think I am still besotted young milkmaid living in a hovel like you found me. I have grown more powerful than you could possibly comprehend, so-called creator god. No, this is the hour of your end."

    Wow, this really was just about two exes.

    "You are just a besotted young milkmaid," Veles said. "Except you are a mummified corpse of one that clothes herself in illusions and artifice. As for the hour of my end? Your delusions are as asinine as your ambitions. I am at the moment of my triumph over not only the gods of Mokosh and Earth but all of the pantheons."

    Garland, Maelor, Maria, Alek, and Rachel moved into battle positions. I could tell all of them were ready and willing to fight but this all felt wrong. Also, none of them had heard that this place was about to explode. I didn''t want to tell, though. Didn''t even want to think it because Veles might hear it.

    Was I cold-blooded enough to try to turn this into an involuntary suicide strike? I wasn''t. Not just because Alek was my brother-cousin, stupid choices as he made, and Rachel was my sorta-daughter, weird incest vibes as she seemed to think was funny. No, it was the fact it was bad tactics. I had no idea if it would take out Veles and never would unless he decided to let me know in the afterlife.

    "Triumph? I see no signs of triumph," Susanos said, glowing brightly with a nimbus of magical power. "I see a monster that relied deeply on the four Elemental Demons to vampirize Mokosh in his place. I saw a scavenger and worm who fled with a handful of forces when the tide turned. You are nothing but false bravado concealing a weak assassin and kinslayer. You are spent, Ancient One. Being one of the Old Gods dos does not make you stronger, simply old."

    Veles smiled.

    It was not a pretty look. He looked identical to the actor Peter Stormare and it was the kind of ridiculousness that had allowed me to overlook how terrifying my past year of adventures had been. Except, it no longer worked. It had, somewhere along the way, just became the face of the God of Evil.

    "Oh, my dear, you did me the favor of assembling all of my enemies in one place," Veles replied. "Better still, you separated the one person who had an infinitesimally small but real chance of defeating me from those who most had his back."

    "Die, God of Evil!" Susanos shouted, blasting Veles with a beam formed of the rawest magic. Something that wasn¡¯t sorcery formed into fire or ice but just the kind of primordial energy the universe was formed from.

    The beam sailed outward and struck Veles at point blank range. Half of the creator deity''s face melted away, exposing a skull that caught fire. It reminded me of Ghost Rider for a brief second before I realized Veles was preparing for his counterattack.

    Everyone else in the ground proceeded to strike at Veles even as I conjured a GLOBE OF INVULNERABILITY to hold off the friendly fire. Alek fired his enhanced M-16, magical bullets firing in a burst. Maria shouted a prayer to the long deceased spirit of Perun to bless her strike with her whip. Maelor pulled out a pair of shadow infused short swords that he used short range teleportation to stab quickly before retreating. Garland swung his blade and green fire shot forth that blasted against Veles. Jon reminded everyone that he''d been a bare-fisted martial artist before he''d been a dragon by combining them into his next attack.

    This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    "DRAGON PUNCH!" Jon shouted, glowing with a blue aura before striking at Veles with a blow that would have insta-killed a giant.

    Rachel called forth a METEOR STRIKE that struck Veles like an orbital mass driver. I was very glad of the GLOBE OF INVULNERABILITY because it would have annihilated me as well.

    Not cool, Rachel.

    Veles laughed like this was funny. "And you, Aaron? What is your assault? Perun cannot protect you anymore."

    That was one of the differences between reality and tabletop RPGs. There was no such thing as turn-based combat and whoever was fastest could hit as hard as they could as many times as they could in as short a time as possible. Still, Veles was just letting everyone take their shot. This was all wrong and was either a case of gross overconfidence on his part or knowing something we didn''t.

    But, dammit, sometimes you had to take your best shot. I dispelled the GLOBE OF INVULNERABILITY around me, took the Sword of Perun, and swung it around. I buried it into the side of Veles and channeled the lightning within me. The divine power of Perun remaining in my bracelets crackled and I realized they were trying to communicate with me. They had one word: Run.

    Veles cackled as his face fell away to become purely a decaying skull, the flames around his face turned blue white. "I actually felt that, Aaron. It''s a pity you ran from power for so long that it killed you."

    Susanos intensified her blasting of Veles with her magic, only for Veles to raise his hand. "REFLECT."

    The spell that struck us was a horrifying one as Susanos was hit with all of the flames she struck Veles with, Rachel screamed as she caught fire with flaming meteor fragments, Alek was hit by multiple bullets, shadows engulfed Maelor, terrible flaming whip burns struck Maria, Jon flew across the air like he''d been kicked by Bruce Lee, and I felt myself electrocuted.

    YOU HAVE TAKEN FIFTY-ONE POINTS OF DAMAGE.

    The whole Dungeons and Dragons-esque nature of magic was fundamentally silly but it was just an extrapolation of how sorcery worked on Mokosh. For Veles, the rules were more like guidelines, and he''d just hit us with a 10th level spell equivalent. Something that took all of our attacks and forced us to experience them.

    "Poor fools," Veles said, grabbing Susanos by the throat then draining the energy of the lich into himself. "This was never a fight that could be settled by force of arms. Who did you think you were, marching up to me as if I would choose to fight fair? Tales of heroism and daring deeds are nothing more than the poppy juice of the common man. Lies told to children that make them think they have a chance to fight against the boot that will rest upon their throat forever."

    "Curse you, Veles!" Susanos said, spitting bone dust. She was once more the hideous desiccated thing that was her true form. She spoke some sort of spell in a language I didn''t understand and I felt myself suddenly better.

    YOU HAVE BEEN HEALED OF FIFTY POINTS OF DAMAGE.

    "One cannot fight the ocean with a rainstorm," Veles said. "Everything that you are, Susanos is something that I gave you. I now take back that power and consign you to the pit of oath-breakers with all those other poor whores that were unwise enough to trust me."

    "No!" Jon shouted, conjuring a fireball in his hands before shooting it at Veles despite the spell that the creator god had cast. The magic Susanos had worked upon him might have been artificial, but it was no less real. Jon was a man in love and ready to die for a woman who was exploiting him.

    Knowing that Jon was going to get himself killed, I called forth every bit of my will to try to cast a spell. "DISPEL MAGIC!"

    Much to my surprise, the magic crashed against the spell Veles had woven around him and shattered the spell. Veles, despite having his face reduced to a burning skull, looked at me in surprise before the others descended upon him. He was struck first with Jon''s fireball blast, Susanos'' fire, and Garland''s strike with his sword. Our group prepared to rally against the God of Evil.

    That was when things went to hell.

    "Alright," Veles said. "Point to you."

    Maelor pulled out a bow made of shadows, only for Veles to flash step toward him and shove his fist through the elvish vampire''s chest. The God of the Underworld seemed to rip out Maelor''s soul with his spare hand, causing the ancient assassin to disintegrate. Maelor''s spirit thrashed in Veles'' hand before the god let him go, causing his ghost to vanish.

    "No!" Maria screamed. "Monster!"

    MAELOR HAS DIED.

    "Yes," Veles said, pointing a bony finger at her. "Who sends a bunch of undead against the god who created them? RELEASE SOUL."

    Maria thrashed back and began vomiting blood, her body developing horrific red veins before exploding. It was a nightmarish sight, not the least because it meant that Ania and Agata would never get a chance to reunite with her mother.

    MARIA HAS DIED.

    "Eat modern weaponry, asshole!" Alek shouted, throwing a sticky grenade. The grenade stopped in midair and reversed itself, slamming into my cousin before throwing hm across the room. I didn''t have a chance to react before the explosion signalled his death.

    ALEK HAS DIED.

    "Ha!" Veles said. "You''re right, Aaron, PUSH is incredibly fun."

    "Bastard!" I shouted, striking again with Perun''s sword again and again.

    Veles was promptly impaled by Garland with his sword as the weapon went through his chest and out his back.

    "You are not a god," Garland said, coldly. "There is no such thing. You are just a very old and powerful wizard that has delusions of grandeur. Even the afterlife is just a simulation of those we have lost."

    "You should have stayed dead, Garland," Veles said. "The only reason you were worshiped as a hero is that people enjoy pretending mediocre men like themselves have a chance of attracting women. RELEASE SOUL!"

    Garland''s final death was less gruesome than Maria''s but no less distressing. The greenish balefire within him escaped from his mouth and eyes, burning him from within. The great hero of the Dark Undermaster Saga had only come back for a short time, but I was helpless to do anything about his end. Like the Wise Man, those forces set against Veles were collapsing in rapid order.

    GARLAND OF NOWHERE HAS DIED.

    I changed my mind about not being willing to sacrifice myself to destroy Veles. It was increasingly clear we were losing this fight. I wouldn''t be able to protect my daughter any more than I would be able to protect my cousin. Keeping Veles here until the place exploded might be the only chance we had to destroy the ancient monster.

    "Death has no hold on me, Veles," Susanos said, making elaborate hand gestures as strange glowing sigil patterns appeared in the air. Some of them being elaborate Enochian circles and others being collections of runes. All of them formed together into a single symbol. "My soul is hidden away from you and I know part of your true name. Enough to bind you to this place and keep you here until all of us die. Only I will remain to be reborn."

    Veles glowed and struggled as the symbol appeared on his chest. It was hard to see facial expressions on a skeleton and mummy, but it seemed the two of them were locked in an epic contest of wills. Whether or not it would be enough to hold Veles in place long enough for this place to go up was anyone''s guess.

    "Oh," I said, pausing. "So, you did hear me. It''s just the plan we''re going with? Right. Thanks for telling us."

    "Wait, what?" Jon asked.

    "Yeah, I don''t think she''s that into you," I said, falling back and throwing every single spell I could at Veles.

    Rachel grabbed me. "No, father. Now is not the hour of your death. Be gone from this place and survive. TELEPORT WITHOUT ERROR."

    "Hold on, I''m not leaving--"

    I didn''t get to say anything more because I found myself disappearing from the field and finding myself collapsed on the ground a mile or more from the place. I surrounded by a bunch of abandoned houses in the suburbs. The houses were boarded up and there were warning signs against zombies. Another sign that my world had changed dramatically in the time I¡¯d been away from it.

    That was when I saw the mushroom cloud in the distance.

    "No," I muttered in horror.

 Book Three - Chapter Twenty-One - Escape from Camp 32

    I''d wandered around for an hour after the nuclear (magic?) event. I was in a fugue state over the death of my cousin and possibly my daughter. I had no idea if I was once more exposed to lethal amounts of radiation or whether the mushroom cloud was just a result of a sufficiently large explosion.

    At least my Mark of the Champions still worked. Both functioned perfectly but could give me no updates to the status of the other members of my team.

    Rachel [???]

    Jon [???]

    Susanos [???]

    <u>Rewards

    </u>80,000 EXP [Defeat Avatar]

    17,500 EXP (Sabotage UMCs]

    Level 17 to 18

    2,000,000/3,000,000

    I only cared about two of the names. Unfortunately, it was the reward for "killing" Veles that disturbed me most. For all the fact that Susanos had prevented him from teleporting away and blowing up an entire field of magical towers in his face, it didn''t say that he''d been killed, only defeated. Worse, 80,000 EXP wasn''t nearly enough to justify him being finally defeated forever.

    Veles was alive.

    I could feel it

    But what was going on? When even your magical bracelets couldn''t tell you what the hell was going on, you didn''t have much options. I didn''t resist when a pair of FBI agents (I think) grabbed me and dragged me off to the black site.

    Which I was now fleeing through.

    "Okay, that was awesome," Jon said, jogging ahead of me. "I mean, terrifying but awesome. If Michael Bay was directing us, we totally would have had that as the big finale. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence could play us in some race blind casting. Obviously, I''m Will Smith. Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do--"

    "My cousin died, Jon," I said, not exactly in the mood to make cracks at this time.

    "With all due respect to your grief and longstanding personal relationship with the man, Alek was sort of an enormous asshole who killed a lot of innocent people," Jon said, looking uncomfortable. "Including Ania and Agata''s aunt. Okay, innocent-ish."

    I didn''t really have a defense for that. "Be that as it may--"

    "I''m just maybe we should file him under the Thistle and Nightchild portion of our allies list. I.e. the people only Aaron and the immediate family will mourn. You, because you''re Ranger Jesus, which is distinct from Marvel Jesus who is Deadpool. Did you know they rebooted the Marvel Cinematic Universe while we were away? Henry Cavill is now Captain America."

    "Jon..."

    "I mean, I''m going to show all the respect to your parents and sister about Alek''s death. Don''t get me wrong. I like them, especially your sister? Speaking of which, were Alek and she fucking? I just want to be 100% sure because your family has strong Targaryen vibes. What with the divine blood and all."

    "Jon!" I inserted. "Why is this place empty? Please answer that so we can change the subject, and I don''t have to beat the shit out of you. Because, right now, I''m ready to."

    I was referring to the fact the black site I''d been dumped at was almost completely abandoned. Every workstation we passed had signs of people working there from half-eaten salads to coffee but no actual people. The massive numbers of guards and secret agents I''d expected, though, were missing. We''d encountered a few wights but the one janitor we''d come across took one look at us and ran like hell.

    "Still waters before a storm, gotcha," Jon said, sighing. "My bad. I''m trying to cope with this myself."

    That was about as honest as I was ever going to get from Jon in all likelihood. "Yeah, well, I am sorry about your, uh, undead dommy mommy."

    "Oh, I don''t mind that!" Jon said, giving a dismissive wave. "She was mind-controlling me the whole time! It was purely metaphysical. Also, physical."

    "Which I suppose distracts from the fact you were fucking a corpse," I replied.

    "Says the guy who banged multiple vampires," Jon said.

    "Who were in fact still moist and bouncy," I replied. "Whereas the other is just mind control and illusion."

    "Does that matter?" Jon said. "Are there tiers to the desirability of the undead?"

    "I think so, yeah," I said, glad to get back into the pattern of snarking at one another. "Where are we headed."

    I almost stopped dead in my tracks when we passed the cafeteria, and I saw it was full of wights. Mindless, horrifying, and fresh ones pounding at the door that had been chained up. It was a scene straight from Dawn of the Dead as there were hundreds of individuals inside. They were also wearing lanyards, suits, doctor''s outfits, and military attire. So, yeah, I now had a pretty good idea as to what happened to the staff at the black site.

    Jon didn''t stop.

    So, neither did I.

    "Have I missed something?" I asked.

    "Sort of, yeah," Jon said. "Not the complete fall of civilization but certainly something that is probably going to preempt the Game of Thrones revival as well as all other television for the next few months."

    "They revived Game of Thrones?" I asked. "As what?"

    Jon didn''t get a chance to answer that question, though, because the two of us burst through a door to the parking lot. I immediately heard gunfire and saw that Rachel was standing there, scars on her face, and in a pair of blue jeans with a tank top. She was shooting at several wights and had already put down three.

    Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.

    "Ah, crap," Jon said, pulling out two pistols and throwing himself to the side as everything slowed down around us. Jon proceeded to double tap each zombie in the head before time resumed and he slammed against the concrete walkway down from the door entrance. Veles might be evil but at least his facilities were handicap accessible.

    "When the hell did you get bullet time powers?" I asked, looking at Jon.

    "Apparently, that''s just a thing I can do as an 18th level Warrior [Monk]," Jon said. "I mean, it turns out there''s a huge number of abilities I never got to use because I was too focused on Pwiffle. Oh, btw, Pwiffle is a massive esport now. Not just in Korea. They television matches and everything these days."

    "Uh huh," I said, jumping over Jon''s fallen form and heading to Rachel''s side.

    I gave my erstwhile daughter a big hug. "I am so glad you''re alive."

    "Enough to let me give you a BJ?" Rachel asked.

    I pulled back and lifted my arms. "And you''ve ruined it. Forever."

    "I''m kidding," Rachel said. "Unless you say yes."

    "She''s kidding," Jon said. "We''re dating now!"

    I stared between them. "What the hell is wrong with both of you? Also, when the hell did this happen?"

    "About a year ago," Jon said. "We were working on ways to break it to you."

    "Also, it was good for coordinating mind games upon you," Rachel said.

    I stared between them. "I am so happy to see you both, I am going to ignore that is fucking evil. How are you alive?"

    "I keep two teleportation spells on me," Rachel said, simply. "Getting you away was the priority and trying to keep Veles imprisoned at the tower site long enough for his avatar to be destroyed was the second. I took Jon away at the last second."

    "Like, literally, the last second," Jon said, pausing. "Which is not a good thing to do if you don''t want to give a dragon kung fu master a heart attack."

    "What happened to Susanos?" I asked, looking around and half expecting her to show up.

    "Who cares!" Jon said, waving around his arms as if he was flapping them. "She was mind controlling me to not realize I already had an awesome thing going on with a goddess of love. Seriously, you''re not very observant. We''ve been banging--"

    "I will break your face," I replied.

    "Wow, this war has taken a toll on you," Jon said, shaking his head. "You''re going from Spider-Man to Frank Castle. Ranger War Journal: I am really mean to Jon and threatening him with violence because he took my incest baby."

    "You both suck," I said, not missing a beat. Weirdly, it was reassuring to know this whole creepy vibe had been a yearlong prank orchestrated by my supposed best friend. Mind you, that did mean he was a psychopath (or just incredibly bored). "Still, the question stands. Where is the Witch Queen?"

    "Susanos'' physical body has been destroyed but she almost certainly brought her soul object with her with then it becomes a question if she''d had time to hide it some place before the tower field exploded. If she didn''t, then she''s permanently dead. If she did--"

    "We''ll see her again," I muttered. "Great."

    "Well, she was on our side," Jon said, pausing. "Sort of."

    "We were just tools for her revenge plan," I replied. "A not terribly well-conceived revenge plan, I might add. Do we have a car? Because I''m pretty sure this place is going to be overrun with wights once they break free from the cafeteria."

    "Yes," Rachel said, lifting a key fob and clicking it.

    A futuristic black Lamborghini that looked like one of the top tier cars in Cyber Dragons 2080 flickered its lights. Apparently, being a civil servant in the dark world ruled by Veles paid a lot more than it did previously.

    "Nice," I said, simply. "What about Veles?"

    That was when there was the sound of a door smashing open along with moaning from the cafeteria. It seemed the wights had broken out and were now spreading through the facility.

    "Later," Rachel said. "We''ve got to get out of here."

    I''d expended all my magic trying to take down Veles except for MASS UNDEAD SLAYING. I took a moment to cast that spell and shot it down through the hall. It went through the death wights like an anime laser blast and annihilated something like ninety of them in a single go. Much to my surprise, it left a glowing blue flame on the ground that the survivors stumbled on and caught fire from before the flames leapt to other wights. In a few seconds, it seemed like they''d all been destroyed.

    <u>REWARD</u>

    100,000 EXP (Clear Black Site 31)

    Level 17 to 18

    2,100,000/3,000,000

    Rachel blinked. "Okay, maybe we can spare a few minutes."

    "Wow, you got more EXP for wiping out a bunch of mooks than destroying Veles'' avatar," Jon said, staring. "That is bullshit."

    "I''m optimized to slay the undead," I replied, shrugging. "The benefits of min/maxing."

    "Yeah, yeah, you have hate crime powers against the living dead," Jon said, shrugging. "It would have been great if you''d had godslaying ones back when we were following Susanos. As much as I hate to admit it, you are the better tactician. I, on the other hand, am more a lover than a strategist."

    I rolled my eyes. "Does that mean Veles'' avatar was destroyed?"

    "No," Rachel said, walking to the lambo. "He drained something like a hundred thousand of his followers of their life force to sustain himself. That''s resulted in panic across Washington D.C. Whole swaths of the government and Epic DungoneeringTM have dropped over before rising from the dead. The illusions covering a lot of them have also failed. Everyone is being advised to stay indoors and wait for reinforcements from the Anti-Undead Task Force."

    I stared in horror. "A hundred thousand people?"

    "Those who knew what Veles were and sold themselves to him," Rachel said. "These kind of soul pacts can''t be made without full knowledge from both participants. Because magic."

    "It''s okay, Aaron. They were bad, so it was okay to murder them. It''s the American way," Jon said, patting me on the shoulder.

    I glared. "What does this mean?"

    "It means that Veles is weakened," Rachel said. "But not dead. He''s going to be extremely pissed off when he recovered."

    The doors rose up in the air for the Lamborghini.

    "Great," I said, walking down to get into the driver''s seat. Much to my surprise, I found that its steering wheel was bound and there was a weird computer that had a low level magical feed. "Huh. I have no idea how to drive this."

    "You don''t," Rachel said. "All the cars in the future are self-driving."

    "Ah," I said.

    "Don''t worry," Rachel said. "None of the demons bound to them are sentient so it''s not slavery."

    I blinked. "Demons, huh."

    "Yep," Rachel said, getting in the backseat. "There''s a reason Epic DungeoneeringTM''s EVs are the best on the market."

    Jon, of course, climbed in the passenger side. "I''m not going to lie, our chances went from shitty to really shitty with what happened."

    "I get that," I said, pausing. "I guess I''m going to have to figure out a way to beat a god that doesn''t obey any rules."

    I stared at the steering wheel for a second then shrugged and snapped my fingers in front of it. Much to my surprise, the vehicle started up and displayed a map of Washington D.C''s transformed landscape, listing all the various places that were now cordoned off due to zombie infestations. Great, I started The Walking Dead. Or, at least, Veles had and I wasn''t someone who''d prepared for it.

    The fact Veles could draw on his followers to keep himself alive was a sign that we were no longer operating on "fair play" RPG rules. I mean, Veles had been cheating from the very beginning, but this was beyond the pale. It meant he would do anything to survive and win our conflict. I''d hoped, on some level, that the original Veles would let us "reset" him the same way the other Old Ones had been, restoring them.

    No dice it seemed.

    Hehe, dice.

    "Well, you can talk to Ania about it," Jon said, entering an address on the computer screen.

    "What?" I asked, doing a double take.