《Everdreams of Kaladerra NG+8》 Prologue E1 - Set the Deets on Fire Prologue E1 - Set the Deets on Fire
This work contains strong language, depictions of violence, sexual content, substance abuse, morally questionable behavior, repulsive imagery and disturbing concepts. May not be appropriate for anybody. Discretion is strongly advised.
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In a quiet corner of an ever-distant space, a tired star embraces its only child with a stream of loving light. As if following those gentle rays, we dive towards the beautiful blue planet, rolling over a cozy blanket of sleepy clouds to take a closer look at yet unfamiliar inhabitants of this new world. We slip in a hurry above above a barren land of eternal ice, it''s frozen stillness and giant, yet peaceful, denizens make us doubt a fiery nature of a burning heart hidden underneath. For a moment, we linger on a brink of a vast jungle, drawn in by a grim resolution of proud warriors sharpening their deadly fangs in preparations for another round of bloody conflict forever unresolved. Whatever creatures lurk in that lascivious mass of exotic greenery, we fail to notice them, only thing betraying they well-hidden presence is their insatiable carnivorous hunger. Making our way above an endless ocean, we catch a momentary glimpse of enormous column of water from a distance away, wondering meanwhile if ethereal song that warmly invites us further into the depths could be anything more than a mere trick, played on our ears by vanishing waves. Arriving at a busy landscape riddled with caves, we realise that its dwellers lack of eagerness to appear on the surface doesn''t stop them from disturbing all the neighbors with the sound of their restless work. Further we fly, towards bustling cities that stubbornly shrug off lulling embrace of hospitable rivers and refuse to ever go to sleep, for there is always fortune waiting to be made and a wasted time is too expensive a luxury. Weary travelers across ancient dunes are unfazed in equal measure by both our presence and menacing rumble from below the sand they traverse, unlike us, without much of a hurry or care. For a while, we tag along nomadic horde through a vast steppen fields, before confirming that those battleborn riders do not consider destination a vital part of a journey, and leaving them for our next goal. Just as well as we leave behind the dusty prairies, fertile with blood of opposing forces trying to eradicate each other for reasons they long since forgotten. Gloomy planes, only truly beloved by a gloomy people born to them, struggle to alleviate a shadow of bloodthirsty monarchs looming over, but we don''t stay long enough to learn the results of those efforts. Solitary island, refusing the flow of time, also fails to hold our attention for long, and it''s nature-loving inhabitants give us a new direction with their longing gazes towards a giant tree far in the distance. This towering monument of nature surrounds itself with an endless forest of enchantment, treachery, miracles and horrors, all inconceivable by a random passerby, such as we are. We glide across monstrous mountain ridges, home to ferocious clans that only ever forget their bloodfeuds when their sworn winged enemies once again start raining fire from the skies. Speeding up through the patchwork lands of a free-spirited people with the thirst for adventure being their only common trait, we finally reach our destination. Eternal City, shining jewel in a crown of all sentient achievements. Hugging the coast of a gentle sea, it is a welcoming home for numerous civilizations, species, cultures and ideas. A melting pot from which the progress erupts, and a museum in which aeons of history are preserved. True heart of the world, inspiring its citizens towards uncertain yet exciting future, it is currently on a brink of waking up and welcoming new day. Yet the quiet hour before the sunrise seems to be filled with almost palpable tension, as if the whole city is waiting for something with nervous anticipation, struggling to maintain nonchalant facade under the growing pressure of a long-forgotten feeling. Seems like, for a first time in a long while, fear has found its way to replace the excitement as a partner for the future''s uncertainty. And one doesn''t have to look hard for the source of that fear. Menacing tower of monstruos proportion overlooks soon to be awoken city with a promise of turbulent calamities. Clearly visible due its sheer size, despite being located in the middle of the sea, the mere presence of that repulsive construct undoubtedly, albeit regretfully, indicates the inevitable. The greatest enemy of the world - ruthless fiend that brings constant suffering and endless destruction - has returned once more. And, as countless times before, he is ready to start a new wave of onslaught that threatens to shred this planet to pieces, all just to quench his lust for blood. Such is his urge unstoppable, that even the power of all the people throughout the world combined might not be enough to repel him this time. If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it. So the fear erodes, strong and weak alike. Unchanging presence of evergrowing shadow breeds poorly concealed desperation, and people, seldom consciously, are looking for something to give them reassurance. Solace. Hope. Our attention is drawn to a certain place on a seashore, a contrarian existence to otherwise prevalent rules of the cityscape. It''s as if all the other buildings took a reverent step back, unwilling, or perhaps simply afraid, to disturb the dignified solitude of a strangely designed ancient mansion. In one of its rooms, we find a certain young man who is about to shoulder the full brunt of attention from the world on a path to finding its new hero. A young man destined to shift the flow of history, his own willingness to do so being of little concern. A young man who, just like the city itself, is ready to meet a new dawn with a new determination. A young man who... appears to be quite distraught, for some reason.
This game uses an autosave function. Please don''t.
...I mean, fucking heroes, am I right? Who even came up with the idea, anyway? Sure, let''s entrust the fate of the world and all that other boring bullshit to a single random asshole with absolutely zero idea of what he''s doing. Obvious lack of experience, knowledge, perspective and leadership qualities can be effortlessly overcome with a positive attitude, boundless optimism, selfless compassion, power of friendship, love, hope, dream and all that other stupid fucking shit. Brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant. Well, any plan will do if it means they can go about their day as usual without a single care about what''s going on. When some shit actually goes down, they just need to pay attention long enough to redirect their convenient gofer towards the most apparent problem and give him a slap on the back. Or a kick in the ass, for a proper amount of acceleration. Either way, job''s done, back to business, he can handle it on his own just fine. ¡ºHero, you have to save the city from monsters!!¡» ¡ºOnly Hero can do something about this spreading magical corruption!!¡» ¡ºOh My Goddess, it''s a giant dragon!! Bring Hero to fight it right away!!¡» ¡ºGo protect the innocents, Hero!! Preferably, without inconveniencing their everyday lives.¡» ¡ºGo inseminate all the beauties, Hero!! But be humble about it so we won''t get envious.¡» ¡ºGo fix the economy, Hero!! And environment! And world''s politics! Education! Everything else too!!¡» ¡ºGo eat noodles through your nose, Hero!!¡» Go fuck yourselves, you bunch of silly twats!! Those motherfuckers sure got some nerve, demanding salvation with the same attitude as when they order pizza delivery. Add some world peace to the order, why don''t you! I hear it goes surprisingly well with fries. Make no mistake, though. As insufferable as those morons are, the hero himself reigns absolutely supreme as a glorious emperor of shit-eating dickheads. Running around like a maniac, sticking his nose into every situation he deems problematic, disregarding any attempts at compromise, and causing an insane amount of damage in exchange for a pile of naive and simplistic dogshit that he presents as a solution. How about you stick to fighting monsters, you oblivious spunk-gobbling dweeb! Who knows, if you do it long enough, you might just have a chance to suck a little bit less at it. Fucking bellend. But I hear what you''re saying. Stop shitting all over that silly bugger for a second and try to save the world yourself, since you''re obviously very smart and handsome and good at everything. Well, funny you should say that. Because I did, in fact, try it. Eight. Fucking. Times. I really put an effort into it an everything. Yet somehow this bitch-ass world always manages to find some new and exciting ways to fuck itself over, damn it!! If it''s not those fire-breathing cunts, it''s eternal ice age. Moon is also falling, ''cause why not? Wait, now the sky is also falling, so couldn''t they have coordinated their timing a little better? Or is it a spotlight thing? Attention seeking is understandable, but redundancy is kind of a bitch. Speaking of, continuous demon invasion is of little surprise by itself, but do we really need another fucking breed of unrelated demons apparently also wanting in on the action? Not sure what was going on with that mass possession thing, and don''t even get me started on this whole roach infestation business. So, eventually, the planet itself decides that it had enough of this fuckery an self destructs. On one hand, I can totally respect the idea of not wanting to deal with all that dumb bullshit, but on the other hand - I would pretty much want for this silly globe to keep on existing. Not for any personal reasons, mind you. By the time any of those world-ending shenanigans even tries to occur, I''m already long fucking dead. Fallen in a stupid decisive battle for the stupid future of all the stupid living things. Heroically, dramatically, with intense emotions and inspiring speeches all over the place. Beautifully moronic self sacrifice, a fitting end to a useless idiot. Goodbye, you stupid fuck, you won''t be missed! And then, surprise, motherfuckers, here I am again!! Hero of the World, in the flesh, nice to meet you. Killed in action eight times in a row, yet still alive and kicking. And also, well, pretty fucking confused, to be honest. You see, here''s when it gets weird. Yeah, I know. From what I gather, this whole story repeats itself from the moment I''m currently at to the point of total destruction, with slight deviations along the way. And somehow, I now remember all that circle-jerking clown show in its entirety. A deviation of a larger magnitude, indeed, but alow me to question the applicability for a second. Meaning, I don''t recall remembering any of this shit during my previous runs. But what I do recall is a constant string of embarrassments, failure, suffering and useless struggle which I think sums up my heroic journey pretty nicely. Multiply it by eight, compress it into a single overlaying experience, shove it straight into a brain of an unsuspecting individual and see where it gets ya. Nevermind answers, even most of the questions refuse to be formulated into something that at least puts in an effort to look like it makes any fucking sense. Too bad, sorting out all the confusing details can wait, because this sorry exuse for a story apparently can''t. Not any more, that is. If my sense of time didn''t go to shit with the rest of my mind, a certain horrid creature should be making its way to the door this very moment, intending to kick off another shitty loop by announcing that... ¡ºYoung Master, it is time to wake up¡» Aaand here it is. Fuck. Excuse me, sir. I took this heroic tale for a view spins, and it doesn''t really seem like my thing. Can I maybe get a new one? Because this one really really sucks. Big time. But, oh well. What are you gonna do?
Now Loading........ Prologue E2 - Those who tied are justified Prologue E2 - Those who tied are justified
Special events allow you to especially improve your relationships with specified characters
Now, why would valiant Hero of the World, shining Hope of Kaladerra and presumable offspring of Benevolent Goddess herself would be sitting on his knees in the middle of the dinning hall while being tied up, surrounded by an angry mob and bearing obvious signs of physical assault? Oh, that''s an easy one. Because it''s fucking hilarious Gather round, citizens!! Alleviate your fear of unavoidable death by partaking in a refreshing comedy routine! Occasional eroticism, violent slapstick, silly screaming and friendly laughter - all sprinkled with a warm and fuzzy feeling of successful social bonding Don''t mind the ticket price, the show''s totally free. Generously sponsored by misery, humiliation, pain, despair and suffering of a person was delegated the job of saving all your sorry asses Small price to pay for a brief moment of levity ¡ºIt seems that Young Master has finally decided to throw away his dignity as a human being and has revealed his true face of a sexual beast. As a maid, I am deeply ashamed to serve such a degenerate¡» Speaking of misery, here''s the horrid creature I''ve mentioned before that considers making sure I always have enough of it in my life her true destiny Rindo Marudokawa, my self proclaimed personal maid. Stuck to me ever since I was born and has been annoying thorn in my side for probably even longer. Sole successor of proud House Marudokawa during the day, deadly assassin during the night, and sadistic venomous virasnake at all times If you''re curious as to why do I have such a shitty personal attendant, please refer to the Vow of House Marudokawa, which clearly states that it is their sacred duty to support and protect Hero and (if they feel like it) his comrades Personally, I think they just got nothing better to do with their time. That would explain them spending all of it on rigorous training in martial arts and covert tactics, and also they regular inter-breeding with the black dragon maniacs. See that black hair on this sorry excuse for a maid? Not a very common trait among humans So yeah, she''s a killer, and in more ways than one. Sadly, that useful feature still can''t balance out her extremelely shitty personalty Neither can her sexy curves, not very well-hidden by her maid uniform. Especially if you keep in mind... ¡ºS-sexual beast!!.. *gulp*¡» Check out those two Mt. Gdormurs, you wannabe maid!! And then go and wallow in utter defeat, as their uncontrollable jiggle threatens to start a wave of city-destroying seismic activity Attached to those twin wonders on nature is an oblivious nympho that also happens to be the Saint of current generation. Marianna vex Vitarodius, a simple-minded flowerhead that considers helping people and solving problems an ultimate form of happiness Which pales in comparison to the ecstasy that her father, exiled cardinal Vitarodius, felt when his trusty wife managed to pump out such gullible doofus with such a remarkable destiny attached. Praised be the Goddess for this convenient pawn that''s gonna help him brute force his way back into the upper echelon of Salvation Church!! After that, she''s free to go and help Hero save the world, no problem Regardless, she''s a top contender for the "Least Annoying Companion of the Year" spot. Horny tendencies, that she considers a secret for some reason, are one thing, her slow wit is another, but at the end of the day, she''s an absolute beast when it comes to the very useful type of thaumaturgy widely known as "Healing Magic" Even by the standards of modern-day Salvation clergy, which still are high enough to provide all interested parties with an alternative to official healing service. Since they occasionally manage to not completely fuck up, I consider them above passing grade overall. But don''t tell anybody from HEAL about what I just said. Those folks can be pretty iffy about encouraging unlicensed treatment Not when it comes to Saint though, her accompanying Hero on his perilous journey to subjugate, eradicate, save, restore and all that. Lucky for me, since I''d be hard-pressed to count the exact amount of broken bones, gushing wounds, torn limbs and eroded tissues her ubermiracles managed to mend during the course of, you know, all the perilousness Mostly mine. Other shitheads also got hurt occasionally, but since I''m usually the one tanking all the damage, final balance might be slightly off The rest prefer dishing out gigaspells, super attacks, and other fancy stuff ¡ºAbsolutely preposterous!! I always knew not to expect any better from the likes of humans, but such vulgar acts of blatant villainy go simply beyond any reason!!¡» With that screeching maso harpy being a prime example of persistent reliance on such tactics. Meet the main culprit behind current situation, Lianumistellia en''Fillurien zim''Miurienalla-Sallariodena, also known as omnipotent Sage, another vital component of Hero Party homebrew Despite trying to imply her unwillingness to be here with all her might, something tells me that sheltered elven princess couldn''t run away from her overgrown island fast enough. You see, she happens to be an actual blood-related sister of the prince Ellandorimion, which doesn''t stop this soon-to-be-crowned bellend from persistently announcing her as a Radiant Queen candidate. And no, it''s not a political necessity he has in mind Sadly, even the destiny of a mighty Sage fails to put out a burning flame of royal elven kinks. It also fails to provide this clumsy blond cunt with a proper aptidude for any type of magic exept her favorite fartomansy. I mean, if you ask her, then it''s not like she can''t use other spells or anything, but somehow during all the various battle situations it''s always "wind magic this" and "wind magic that" You''re called a Sage, woman!! Legendary being on par with Hero, best magician in the world that''s supposed to be proficient in any and all types of magical arts. Try to at least put some effort into it, how about? Pair this up with unhinged mentality of 8-years old that forbids her to ever honestly express what she thinks or feels, and makes her constantly lash out in violent fits of misdirected anger, and hey - move over, Rindo, we have a new addition to a prestigious "Useless Trash" category The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡ºSo this is supposed to be the next hero? Hmph, how disappointing¡» Pay no attention to that hulking tower of a woman. It''s just Ingarionara Gremidarr-iddoren-Fessarangi, another useless certified royalty, as you may have already noticed by a pair of horns curving around her head. Don''t let fiery red hair, long tail and imposing physique confuse you - little miss Dragon Princess is exceptionally good at blending with the environment I mean, she''s certanly strong. And stoic. And dignified. And likes to proudly declare the most boring banalities of "we must do the right thing" variety, but aside from that - not much going on there in terms of character Well, if you really twist my hand, she''s also doing some marriage hunting at the moment. Since according to old clansman flirting tradition any proper husband is expected do beat the shit out of his future wife in a fair combat before marriage - preferably while she''s still in her dragon form - this bashful maiden figured joining Hero Party is a solid plan to potentially tie the knot That, and She''s also a Valkyrie of our age, Vengeful Spirit of Battle and Hero-wielded Relentless Spear. Relentless Spear that has tits and occasionally breaths fire, but she needs as many originality elements as she can get ¡ºNow-now, I think we should all calm down and try talking this through¡» This green-haired, brown-skinned beauty that''s oozing motherly vibes with a slight hint of sexual frustration is Jessica Velmitrane - a manager of this dormitory we''re currently in by heart, and an operative of a Hero Assisting Intercontinental Assembled Initiative by trade Scratch that, both are by trade, because she was obviously assigned to that post. As if those control freaks from HAIAI would allow just any random fuck to run Heroic Dormitory, a historical place of respite to every previous Hero reincarnation and his companions Glorified workaholic, she was always married to her job, which makes her sensuality go out of control sometimes due to the lack of intimate relationships She''s alright She''s also concludes the list of characters pending introduction, so let''s sum up the events that lead to this episode of variety show next Maid wake Hero. Hero go wash face. Elf bathroom alredy. Elf forget lock door. Elf shower, elf naked. Hero surprised. Hero trips. Hero face slams elf chest. Expect softness. Find only horror My original idea was to avoid this interaction, since I already went through it eight times before, so I made sure to stay clear of the bathroom altogether. Wasted effort, really, since her royal highness, empowered by her usual refusal to acknowledge the existence of anybody but herself, decided to take a stroll around the dorm. Butt-naked, of course And then she run stright into me. Words "forced event" come to mind, but I don''t know what the fuck that means, so moving on ¡ºI refuse to tolerate the presence of this disgusting creature any longer!! Throw this imbecile out immediately!!¡» ¡ºWeak-willed man that fails to control his own urges is unfit to be called a true warrior¡» ¡ºI''m sorry for my lack of effort in properly educating this discusting cree- *ahem* Young Master¡» ¡ºU-urges *blush*¡» ¡º...Let''s try not to blow this out of proportion¡» What''s supposed to follow is cheerful scene of public execution culminating in a few curious additions to the set of dorm rules: Hero is supposed to move from the main building into a tool shack in the garden and stay there indefinitely Hero is not allowed to use any of the dorm facilities or enter the main building at any point in time Hero, in general, is required to ask permission before approaching, talking, walking, looking, thinking, breathing and engaging in any other type of extravagant activity There''s more, but you get the picture. Wonderful start to a team-building cohabitation, I agree ¡º...And you cannot possibly expect me to even consider living under the same roof as... this!!¡» ¡ºYour Highness, I''m sure we can come to a reasonable compromise...¡» You see, it''s already starting to take shape. I can hear numerous suggestions for that "reasonable compromise" being thrown around But be not afraid, I am not called Hero of the World for nothing!! I have a perfect plan to get this entire situation over with in an instant. Just watch *ahem* ¡ºOi, you bunch of silly cunts!! Shut the fuck up for a second!!¡» ¡º¡º¡º¡º¡º !!!!! ¡»¡»¡»¡»¡» ¡ºFirst of all, get off your high horses, go get the ticket to the Fuck Off train and then proceed to the Eat Shit destination! Second, did you really fail to notice a sign above the door? Like, all of you? The only reason for this stupid mansion to exist is for me to live in it. Without me, it has no fucking purpose! Can you grasp that? This is my fucking domain. I live here. I make rules here. And if I feel like it, I may consider allowing you useless morons to also be here! Only as long as you all fucking behave Third, if that tree-hugging bimbo really against the idea of other people looking at her boobs, I suggest doing something about her exgibicionistic habits first. I''s not like there''s much to look at, anyway. Even if I actually wanted to see those sorry pimples, I don''t think I can squint my eyes hard enough, so get over it, love! Fuck your silly rules, fuck you reasonable compromise, fuck your stupid honor, fuck your dumb delusions, fuck your shitty quips and most of all, fuck your hissy fits! I ain''t having any of this shit, so do your best to keep that in mind! And in conclusion, go fuck yourselves *Heroic smile*¡» ¡º¡º¡º¡º¡º ... ¡»¡»¡»¡»¡» Phew, that was surprisingly refreshing! And with this, my brilliant scheme is set to motion. All that''s left is for that bitch to do exactly what I expect her to do Come on, you pointy-eared zero-impulse-control cunt! Do not disappoint ¡ºYou-you-you... You filthy mongrel!!¡» >> Crescent Wind << ¡ºCrescent Wind!!¡» Now who''s a good girl? I knew I could always rely on her being a violent menace fueled by a complete disregard for the consequences of her own actions Look at that beauty though - instant thaumaturgical air control without any of that magic circuit bullshit. Elves don''t pride themselves in their stupid wind magic for nothing. She also doesn''t even have to scream the name of the spell She just happens to be an attention whore ¡ºWith all due respect, are you out of your mind, princess?¡» ¡ºDid you, perhaps, not hear what he just said?!¡» ¡ºTo be so easily defeated by such a simple spell... hmph!¡» ¡ºDon''t worry, Young master possesses the resilience of figgaroach¡» ¡ºB-but there''s a lot of blood...¡» That is a lot of blood. Well within expected amount of what can come out from the chest split open almost up to the heart by a wind blade. Woah, look-look, it''s really gushing! Come, marvel at the sight of Hero meeting his demise in a glorious fountain of fluid crimson! What a spectacle to behold, I''m sure! It appears that it was I who was a true attention whore all along!! Mwahahahahaha!! *cough* Nevertheless, this particular loop has finally reached its end. Personally, I hope for eternal oblivion with no more revivals and repetitions, but my gut tells me not to be too optimistic. At the very least, I want all those shitty memories to be gone in the next run Goodbye, oh gentle world, for I have failed you! Your Hero''s not the ray of light you fancied him to be The mercy of eternal rest approaching swiftly To wash away the dust of sorrow from a weary soul Alas, this fucking joke is overplayed I mean, you don''t really think I''m gonna die that easily, do you? I''m fucking Hope of Kaladerra, you know. I''ve been through shit much worse than this, and managed to survive all of it Well, except Plus, all those other idiots aside, notice the lack of desperation on the faces of Miss Hero''s Personal Bodyguard and Miss Hero Monitoring Secret Agent. Slight concern, at best, which is surprising if you take the fact that the world is about to lose its sole protector at the face value Sure, they obviously both have some contingencies in places, but it''s unlikely they even have a chance to rely on those, because... ¡ºDon''t worry, everyone!! I-I will do my best!!¡» Hey, cowtits, thanks for not missing the queue! Can you maybe do your best somewhere else for a while and let the brother die in peace? >> Healing Touch << I''ll take it as a no. Damn, her healing powers are no joke! Some lingering suspense might still remain though, since I did lose a lot of blood. Not the easiest job for a Saint at her current power level I sure am curious if my notorious will to live manages to kick in and salvage the situation just in time ... ... ... Yeah, still alive Can''t believe my perfect speedrun strategy was foiled by a pair of giant boobs filled with the power of pure intentions. Well played, boobs, let''s meet again some other time Anyway, show''s over, the world undoomed, the twist revealed, the crisis averted, nothing to see here, move along Through all the battles and all the enemies and all the struggles, against all the impossible odds Hero prevails again Fuck
Now Loading........ Prologue E3 - Rolling stone up the hill just to drop it Prologue E3 - Rolling stone up the hill just to drop it
//need to write more tips for prologue
Well, that was enough excitement for the whole day, and it hasn''t even properly started yet. Let''s just consider it some sort of extravagant morning exercise to help everyone wake the fuck up and leave it at that. Dinning room might require some additional cleaning, but on the bright side, spilling excessive blood all over the floor prevents it from rushing directly into my head again. Personally, I see it as an important step on the road of personal improvement that leads us through thorny mountains of anger management issues straight to a shining valley of mutual understanding and respect Like, did you see the looks on their faces? They did their absolute best not to show it, but I''m pretty sure my little stunt left a lasting impression. It''s not everyday you see Hero of the World half-split open and bleeding out like a fountain. On the other hand, they did get first row seats to witness trademark miracle of Heroical Comeback From Absolutely Unwinnable Situation Against Impossible Odds, so, hey, you''re welcome, ladies! ...Man, I do have a resilience of a figgaroach, don''t I? Regardless, thanks to my stellar performance, the Annoying Cunts Assembly motioned to move the discussion of the "Let''s evict Hero from his own mansion and also strip him of any basic human rights while we''re at it" project to a latter date. I''m sure this topic is going to come up again, eventually - her royal bitchiness isn''t letting it go any time soon - and I, once more, will have to put my Heroic Ingenuity to test and deal with this stupid bullshit then. But not right now - and that''s the important part A problem delayed is a problem denied!! Honestly, I am open to any suggestions about how else am I supposed to handle that glorified dumpster fire called Hero Party, but something tells me that I shouldn''t hold my breath. Trying to have a proper conversation with this bunch of hard-headed misfits is like bringing a hungry crocazull to a birthday party - no matter how careful you are, it''s only a matter of time before it all goes sideways in a very gruesome and a very bloody way. Escentric at best, batshit insane at worst and absolutely fucking annoying most of the time, my so-called companions will happily jump at every opportunity to wreck havoc and spiral any situation that has even a slightest chance of a peaceful resolution into a total chaos That holds true for both current members of the crew and the ones that are going to join later. Most of them either hold the position of highest status in their respective countries, or have a severe case of blatant disregard for any form of authority altogether. Combine it with the fact that all of them are pretty young and easily impressed with the importance of their world-saving duty, generously sprinkle a set of conflicting personalities all over this cooking pot - and the resulting concoction can be a perfect source of nightmares for any team-building specialist What else would you expect from a collection of individuals that were born to their, granted, very important roles, instead of being chosen for them? They''re young, they''re dumb, they''re entitled, they don''t listen, they are filled with a sense of unwarranted self-importance, they are stubborn, they are horny, they are naive, they fail to notice their own hypocrisy, they never fail to notice somebody else''s mistakes, they are petty, they are insecure, they are totally clueless They are people Regular people with superpowers, crushed by an enormous weight of an impossible task to which, now that I think about it, they didn''t actually volunteer. And it matters little how much they work to improve their abilities - if hard effort was all it took, the world would''ve been saved eight times over already ... So, good thing that Hero himself is the one who''s leading this charming bunch of deluded fuckwits, right? I mean, I''m Hero of the World, the only being capable of saving it and all that. If any of those idiots even tries to act up, can''t I just easily shut them all the fuck up with a simple display of my overwhelming powers, astonishing achievements and boundless respect for my daring personality? That would be a little problematic, because I have absolutely none of those Seems like Heroic title is considered enough of a leg up for someone who''s about to embark on a quest to fight endless waves of monsters and eventually storm Citadel of the End itself. Who needs high stats, uberskills, proficiency in some forbidden magic or any of that fancy shit that you would expect an existence straight from the legends to have? Way down the road I do acquire some useful perks, but they''re mostly situational or benefit absolutely everybody else but myself. Tough luck, Hero, while all the others get to play with new shiny spells, unique skills and enjoy the overall leveling experience, you get to go and protect the planet with the power of sheer determination. Good luck! Nevermind those super powered cretins, my status is pretty unremarkable even by the standards of a regular person. But don''t take my word for it, see for yourselves ¡ºSnick, you little shit, wake up!¡» This snitching rat floating above my shoulder is my PLUM called Snik. Personal Link-providing fully-Upgradebale Magical assistant - courtesy of those freaks from Dominion of Truth. Has numerous functions and features, some of them are even occasionally useful. For example Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation. ¡ºShow me my status, you lazy ass¡»
MAIN STATUS >> CLASS : Hero Candidate >> LEVEL : 4 >> MAGIC : 58 >> RANK : D (provisional) >> SOMA : 808 >> VCOIN : 1023 >> STATE : extreme confusion, extreme anger, recovery
PARAMETERS >> ENDURANCE : (F) : 11 >> POWER : (E) : 15 >> SPEED : (F) : 4 >> PERCEPTION : (F) : 16 >> FOCUS : (E) : 16 >> COORDINATION : (E) : 8 >> MEMORY : (F) : 12 >> INTELLECT : (E) : 8 >> INTUITION : (E) : 20 >> WILLPOWER : (F) : 7 >> BRAVERY : (E) : 11 >> WISDOM : (E) : 8
PERSONAL SKILLS >> Whispers of the ####### (?) >> Beginner''s Luck >>READY<<
CLASS SKILLS >> Heroic Compassion
The image that''s projected from the crystal stuck to the forehead of that traitorous furball is a status screen displaying my current stats and skills in all their brilliant mediocrity. What do you think? I agree, they suck some major balls! Not only the values themselves are abysmal, the rank on every stat is also low, so they gain almost nothing on level-up. And, hey, good job even reaching one in the first place, since I require five times the regular amount of Soma for every level. Only one class-specific skill as well, and can we all just agree to pretend this piece of shit isn''t there? Not impressive, to say the least. And if I''m not impressed, and you obviously not impressed, how do you gather my idiot comrades are going to feel about such a wimpy Hero with almost no Heroic qualities. And how am I supposed to lead that freak show of power-obsessed maniacs, when I''m nothing more than a laughing stock with a fancy title By being exactly that. A laughing stock with a fancy title. Right Please allow me to present to you a Hope of Kaladerra - butt of every joke, punchline to every twist, oblivious buffoon on a quest to step on every rack and fail at every task. All so that even his completely incompetent companions can feel better about themselves after rescuing this dumb shit from his new predicament and laugh at how unreliable Hero truly is. Seriously, they even manage to bond over my misery ¡ºHa-ha-ha, typical Hero, can''t do anything right. Good thing we were here to save the day, fellas. Can''t be helped then, guess we have to stick around this party some more and make sure the world is protected properly. C''mon, Hero, keep up!!¡» And then they give me shit. Tons and tons and tons of it, without missing a single opportunity. And then I get bitchy about it, run off to prove that I''m a big boy too, just to get into another trouble. And then they save me again. And then they give me shit Long story short, no one''s running this crew. It''s a headless blunder bouncing around without any particular direction in mind, propelled by countless whims of its participants and changing course every time anybody thinks they have a better idea Yes, I do mean anybody. Hero Party without proper plan or leadership is too precious of a commodity to just leave it be, so of course every international organization, corporation, local government, great house, clan, tribe or neighborhood association wants to have a go at stirring it. If you think that, somehow, their well thought-out projects of improving the world and providing a solid foundation to fight off demon armies also include disgusting amount of benefits for those organizations, then it''s just your imagination. Altruism is what those greedy fucks are all about And then, you guessed it, they give me shit as well. Hero is too humble, Hero is too arrogant. Hero is too indecisive, Hero should listen to others more. Hero has to be stronger than that, Hero has too much unknown powers. Real Hero wouldn''t do that, only Hero knows what he really has to do. Is Hero the real hero? What is Hero, why is Hero, wait, where is Hero, we have an unkillable monster to slay! Neverending storm of shit Fuck, I can feel my blood boiling again! Should I go find Pointy Ears and provoke her into slicing me up again to let this blood flow and calm down a little? Seems like it might become an unhealthy habit, so I''d rather refrain ... To be completely honest, being a certified clown of the whole world is not that bad of a role for Hero. World powers a weary of his growing influence, common folks are scared of his monstrous existence, companions are in desperate need for reassurance. Comically incompetent Hero serves the purpose of alleviating all these worries pretty well. Not that I ever understood any of that nuanced shit before, mind you I was just a fucking clown Which is fine, I guess. Small price to pay for the future of the planet and all the people living on it. Doesn''t matter what methods we choose, as long as we succeed in saving the world in the end Except we don''t. We fail. Spectacularly So I figure, why bother. The world is fucked, the people are doomed, nothing I, or anybody else, can do to change that. Let''s just buckle up for this joyride to the end credits and live through our remaining days the way we actually want. Enjoy the show, you clueless morons, there''s a slim chance for any future re-runs! My personal preference now is to go through life by not taking any shit from anybody *Heroic smile*
>> Shit Taken Counter added to Records <<
>> ST-Counter : 0 Main Quest started! Now, it''s pretty obvious that reaching the ending in my current state while keeping ST-counter at zero is absolutely impossible. After all, the only thing this civilized world of rules, laws and ethics really values is power. When all is said and done, the one with the largest and sharpest stick is the one authorized to give the biggest amount of shit to everybody else. The nature of this stick doesn''t really matter, it can be a big pile of money, a set of over-powered stats, a bunch of devoted followers you command, or an actual sharp pointy stick. Same rules apply So my first stem in completing the Main Quest is to gain as much power as possible, and then gain some more. Without giving a single fuck about all those stupid distractions along the way
>> Fucks Given Counter added to Records<<
>> FG-Counter : 0 OK, now let''s get motivated! Hero Determination, do your thing! Time to get dressed and kick this story off, for real this time! ... Man, my room is a mess. It''s still better than a tool shack, but since I''ve just moved into the dorm, the amount of unpacking threatens to put Dark Tower itself to shame. No matter!! Beware, Luggage monster, for you are no match for valiant Hero on his path to glory! Unless... You''re going to laugh, but it just occurred to me, after all this time. I have a maid. A person specifically assigned to, you know, do shit for me. Whether or not she''s actually gonna listen to what I say is questionable, but it''s worth giving a try ¡ºRindooooo!! Where''s my stupid uniform!!¡» Let''s fucking go
Now Loading........ Season 1 - Aint No Face of No Hero Characters so far
CODENAME : Hero FULLNAME : ??? RACE : Human CLASS : Hero Candidate AGE : 18 HEIGHT : 167 APPEARANCE: brown hair, gray eyes
CODENAME : Rindo FULLNAME : Rindo Marudokawa RACE : Human CLASS : Battle Maid AGE : 21 HEIGHT : 175 APPEARANCE: black hair, black eyes
CODENAME : Maria Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.FULLNAME : Marianna vex Vitaroudius RACE : Human CLASS : Sage Candidate AGE : 18 HEIGHT : 167 APPEARANCE: silver hair, red eyes
CODENAME : Ellie FULLNAME : Lianumistellia en''Fillurien zim''Miurienalla-Sallariodena RACE : Elf CLASS : Sage Candidate AGE : 18 HEIGHT : 178 APPEARANCE: golden hair, blue eyes
CODENAME : Inga FULLNAME : Ingarionara Gremidarr-iddoren-Fessarangi RACE : True Dragonkin CLASS : Valkyrie Candidate AGE : 18 HEIGHT : 193 APPEARANCE: red hair, golden eyes
CODENAME : Jess FULLNAME : Jessica Velmitrane RACE : Human + Dryad CLASS : Battle Cook AGE : 28 HEIGHT : 171 APPEARANCE: green hair, green eyes S1E1 - Whats My Name Again? S1E1 - What''s My Name Again?
Objects in the sea are farther than they appear
In this world, or any other, few things can rival hectic tranquility of a giant coastal city reinvigorated by a light of a newborn day. Ancient waves hitting the shoreline with reassuring persistency, huge modern building reflecting early sunrays with a thrilling promise of unstoppable changes. Angry screams of confused birds and snarky rumble of busy cars. Rushing pedestrians and loitering clouds. Speeding trains, flying ships, sailing boats and a big ugly tower of death on the horizon Another beautiful fucking morning in the city of Vitalberia If you''re curious, that fine piece of architectural monstrosity sticking out of the water surface is called Citadel of the End, and it had its first properly documented appearance 422 years ago. Right after it popped out in the middle of the Zabulean Sea, the moon has covered the sun and Floodgates, more commonly referred to as Dungeons, have opened up all over Kaladerra to unleash countless waves of blood-thirsty creatures from another world. Those monsters showed great interest (and proficiency) in destroying everyone and everything they see, and quickly brought the planet to the brink of a total annihilation know as Great Collapse Granted, the world was probably on its way there without any extra help. Confederation just managed to defeat the Horde in a decisive battle, pushing them back and putting a stop to the Eternal March for the first time since it''s started. Orks were obviously eager for a rematch, so everybody was too busy getting ready for a season two of that specific bloodbath to pay attention to some weird aliens from hell Nothing much could have been done even if they did pay attention, since monster swarms were led by Demons - mythical being straight from spooky tales. And, as you might know, nobody on Kaladerra can do anything to Demons. Those pricks are completely invulnerable to anything you can throw at them, and a certain widely known exception to that rule wasn''t yet present on a play field The result of this match - United Team of Monsters and Demons 1, Team Kaladerra 0. Most of the world was overrun by invaders, remnants of the population holed up in fortified cities, desperately trying to preserve what''s left of civilization and occasionally sending out military parties to scrap for resources. Future was bleak, the end imminent, but then one of those parties managed to pull a jackpot What were these morons doing so far away from any reliable stronghold remains uncertain to this day. Were they looking for survivors, food, tech, or a quick death in battle - nobody cares at this point. Because what they actually did find was an eight year old boy tearing monsters apart with his bare hands in the middle of a fucking nowhere When they brought him back here, to Vitalberia, Salvation Church immediately announced him to be a reincarnation of Hero of the World that saved the planet from the similar crisis back in the days that nobody actually remembers anything about. People were understandably sceptical at first, but then those Salvation freaks presented Gexxalibur, a weapon from the myths that only True Hero can wield. And then the boy took it and went to slay some demons with it. And then everybody was like, hey, he seems alright, and I knew he was Hero even before it was cool! After this, all those Saints and Sages straight from the Scripture started to pop up, Hero Party was formed, they went around defeating monsters and saving people, eventually laying siege to the Citadel of the End itself and subjugating Demon King at the cost of their lives, bringing the end to what is now called the First Impact. Kaladerra was saved, everyone was overjoyed and completely not worried about the number in the title of the event that clearly indicated the possibility of a next episode Well, the number wasn''t there in the beginning. It was added 100 years later, when this whole scenario repeated itself. Dark tower, Hero reincarnation, Gexxalibur, companions, Demon King, save, slay, subjugate, self-sacrifice in a process. This time everybody was taking things a little more seriously from the beginning, so the Second Impact was concluded with a lot less devastating results for the world compared to the First one Third Impact was not much different from the Second, and then United Team of Monsters and Demons decided to sit the next one out. Kaladerra enjoyed two hundred years of piece, and people were already starting to think that they wouldn''t have to deal with any more bullshit invasions from now on, only for Citadel to appear again 18 years ago. What a bummer! The usual cogwheels begrudgingly started to move again, the Church announced the new rebirth of Hero, all involved parties started to dust off usual measures and protocols, and all uninvolved ones got their popcorn ready. The Last Impact has officially begun The name "Last" comes from the assumption that, since it took demons whole two centuries to prepare a new assault wave, the enemy forces are running out of juice and this attempt at destroying our planet is going to be the last one. This joyful hypothesis isn''t supported by anything solid, but people like it all the same. Now, if only that Hero fellow would hurry up and claim the Gexxalibur, declare Demon King Subgugation Campaign, and then go and save the world once and for all, so that we can forget about this whole demon invading business This is how we get to our current moment. As you probably already guessed, I''m the next iteration in a line of expendable Heroes, ready to be thrown at that stupid tower like some human-shaped fireball in a hope of ending this centuries-long struggle. Or at least postpone it for another hundred years. Claiming Gexxalibur is still a work in progress, and the team is not fully assembled yet either, but the overall story is pretty much set in a fucking stone. Gather companions, get the sword, start the campaign, go around doing good stuff, finally enter the Citadel, defeat Demon King, die heroically while doing so, save the world anyway. This is how it''s supposed to go, and this is how it actually will. Except for saving the world part All the other elements of the journey will go as intended, including brave self-sacrifice of entire Hero Party. Hell, some of us won''t even make it to the Citadel in the first place. The rest will die storming it, then I meet Demon King, then we have a very stupid conversation, then we fight, then I die too. And then the world is destroyed, proving that the name of this Impact to be absolutely correct, just in a funny way But I guess doing it all once wasn''t enough, because shortly after that the time is reversed back to the moment we currently at without anyone actually remembering what has happened. The story goes through the same motions again - sword, companions, tower, fight, fail, total destruction. A new type of total destruction this time, just to keep things interesting. Afterward, the time rewinds back again. And again, and again, and again, and again - eight times total This is how we get to our current moment once more. Loop eight just finished, loop nine is all ready to go. Only this time, things get slightly more complicated. Remember how I said that nobody has any recollection of the events from previous loops after the time-jump? Well, this time around, I do. I remember all of them And it''s not a memory of eight consecutive stories either. It''s several simultaneous experiences all meshed into one - when they are similar, they multiply, when they are different, they split your mind eight-ways. Ever tried making sense of something like that? Me neither I don''t know why I remember all of it now, I don''t know why I didn''t before, I don''t know if anybody else besides me have those memories, and I don''t know if those memories are even real. I''ve been pretty spot on with my recollection of the events so far, but whether or not my predictions would hold true in the future, I also don''t know What I do know, with surprising amount of certainty, is this world is fucked It''s more of a gut feeling, really. Not the most solid foundation to build a premise of inevitable demise of all the living things, but what are you gonna do? Force of habit, or more like occupational hazard, actually. Gut feelings are pretty important for us Heroic folks. We happen to rely heavily on all those Sheer Powers of Will and Heroic Determinations to overcome impossible odds and defeat unbeatable enemies. No fight is unwinnable as long as Hero doesn''t give up And right now, I really really feel like I should Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road. So, is it really surprising that I currently have zero motivation to storm this giant fuck-off tower again, when I''m already aware how meaningless it will be to repeat that whole process. Most of those world-ending disasters won''t even come directly from the Citadel anyway, so maybe kaladerrians should move Demon King from the top spot in their priority list. That would be kinda hard to do, though, since the whole list is made of one line - defeat demonic overlord, then happiness. So, maybe add some more positions to it, and then try to come up with a proper counter-strategy that doesn''t involve me as a main and only participant I mean, I''ve already died saving the world eight times with zero results to show for it. What else do you want from me - to go and die one more time so I can at least say that I tried? Well, I did. And it was totally pointless, so can we skip this whole shebang and move on to the unavoidable annihilation of the planet? I''m staring to feel like I''m not entirely against the idea of the world not existing anymore What do I personally stand to lose, anyway? My life? Funny, did I ever even get to live properly during all those years of my brilliant Heroicism, I wonder. Before I was officially recognized as Hero, all I remember is an endless pathetic struggle of a stupid boy trying to fill Heroic shoes that are obviously too big for him. And after that - well, nothing much actually changed. Constant battles, constant struggles, constant sacrifices - always for the sake of somebody else. All for the future, all for the people, all for the world. All for nothing, apparently That''s why I''ve decided to take a loop off - have a well-earned Heroic Vacation and live a little. Without any Shit Taken from anyone and without a single Fuck Given about anything. Let''s see how I''m doing so far >> ST-counter : 0 >> FG-counter : 0 Good, good. But let''s not celebrate just yet. Cunning enemies hide behind every corner, waiting for the opportunity to smear this clean beauties with corrupting filth of Heroic Responsibilities. Or just to fuck with me on principle, those are in the majority, actually. Fending off all these villains isn''t gonna be easy - my stats are shit, I have almost no useful skills to speak of, my companions are untrustworthy, and everybody else just sees me as a convenient gofer. Battle that seems to be unwinnable no matter how you look at it, but I have a gut feeling that there''s a way to overcome this predicament. Despite going to a self-proclaimed retirement, I''m still Hero, you know. And Hero always wins Plus, if my memories are actually correct, even to some extent, they can become extremely valuable assets to my Hero Retirement Uninterruptied Master Plan. It''s pretty hard to make sense of that disorganized mess that is happening in my head right now, but the resulting benefits are well-worth the effort, so let''s work hard, Hero! Overall, the strategy is actually turning out to be pretty simple. First step - fish for useful bits in my future memories. Second step - use those memories to become overpowered enough to live as you like. If the world is still intact by then, think about step three Becoming overpowered might not be entirely necessary, but I''m gonna be honest with you for a second. During most of my Hero days, I never got to be actually really strong. My teammates were doing all the fighting, and I was doing... what the fuck was I doing, anyway? Providing all kinds of support and occasional comic relief? Being a glorified figurehead for Hero Party and a glorified stallion for Hero Breeding? Not exactly a picture of Heroic Journey a young me had in mind growing up It seems stupid now, but a silly dream of becoming True Hero was all that clumsy boy had. Considered a failure for as long as he can remember, he desperately clung to this silly dream in hopes of being recognized someday. He carried this silly dream through his journey in hopes of actually helping people. He took this silly dream to his death during an impossible fight in hopes of saving the world. The very same world that refused to make his silly dream come true till the very end Don''t worry, young fellow, we''ll make this dream come true with our own effort! Fuck the world and fuck all the people in it, I''m going to be strong for myself ... It''s a really strange feeling, looking right now at this tower I just recently finished to fight my way through. Like all other versions of me are still over there, engaged in a deadly combat, and my current version is just leisurely watching from the sidelines. I wonder if I jump really hard, can I get to the Citadel and meet my other selves?.. ¡ºYoung Master, how long do you intend to stand here trying to look cool?¡» As you see, Rindo Marudokawa, my personal maid, is a silly woman that fails to grasp the dramatic importance of Heroic Brooding. But she''s right, we should probably be on our way
We follow our Hero through the busy streets of an Eternal City of Vitalberia, catching a glimpse of all the enchanting sights it might offer us in the future, before reaching a magnificent building that radiates a solemn dignity with its very presence
Well, that was a short walk. Anyway, welcome to the University of Liberal Combat Arts! Never mind the name, everybody just calls it Hero Academy. And yes, it does have something to do with me and my famous predecessors When First Hero was dragged to the Capital from the wilderness, he barely knew how to talk. After he managed to demonstrate his usefulness by slaying some demons, it became apparent that such lack of common sense in Heroic figure might become problematic going forward. The best of Kaladerra (or what was left of them at the time) were assembled and tasked with teaching Hero, well, everything - from a proper way of holding the spoon to a proper way of punching a dragon in the teeth. Arduous battle of its own kind, they say, but they''ve managed to succeed. Eventually After this whole Demon King battle circus was over, everybody thought it would be too much of a waste to just disassemble a facility that''s capable of pumping out monster-slaying maniacs at a constant rate, so it became its own thing. Since then, tradition dictates for every Hero to attend this oversized pile of pretentious junk. In fact, graduating from it is one of the conditions to be officially recognized as Hero of the World There''s no particular reason for us to be here right now, though. I''m not that interested in the opening ceremony, and a giant board by the entrance with group distributions just presents an annoying plot twist that isn''t worth much attention either. It was just easier to come here and get this shit over with, than to figure out a proper excuse for Rindo. Now, let''s pretend to check out this board... ... Interesting It makes little sense, but my own name seems to be different in every loop. Do I even care enough to try and wrap my brain around this oddity? Rhetorical question, by the way. Regardless, what should it be this time? What about Troy? I feel like Troy. Let''s go with Troy! Doesn''t matter which one I go by, if you take your time and look through all the names on the board, you will notice that... ¡ºWell-well-well, if it isn''t Troy Celvarion! It appears to me that the infamous Fake Hero has managed to hit the new low!¡» A wild bully appears!! Everyone, meet count Edgar Fundipion, my self-assigned nemesis for a significant part of my academic life. He''s from that group I mentioned that likes to fuck with me just for the hell of it. Doesn''t do anything major at first, just some silly pranks and goofy insults, but eventually... ...No, wait a minute, did that idiot seriously wait for me by the entrance for almost two hours? The morning commotion in the dormitory took a while, then I spend some time doing very important Heroic Inner Monologuing, so I obviously thought he would give up and leave by this point. Good job, you persistent moron! As a proud owner of Heroic Determination myself, I commend your effort and patience. Let''s see how far we can stretch it ¡ºRindo, this is an emergency situation!!¡» ¡º...Did you have another erotic fantasy while looking at my boobs, Young Master?¡» ¡ºIt''s way worse than that!! I just stepped on a giant pile of poop!!¡» ¡º...What nonsense are you spouting, Troy Celvarion?¡» ¡ºWoaah!! It''s a talking poop!! How horrifying. Protect me, Rindo!¡» ¡ºPlease stop hiding behind me, Young Master. My duties do not involve dealing with talking poop¡» ¡ºHow dare you!..¡» ¡ºRindo, what are you talking about? You''re a maid! Use your outstanding cleaning proficiency and quickly scrap off this talking poop!¡» ¡ºI would like to refrain, Young Master. The stench of this talking poop may ruin my uniform¡» ¡º...Hey...¡» ¡ºTsk, it can''t be helped. I will double your salary!! Get rid of this talking poop immediately!¡» ¡ºYoung Master, you''re not paying me any salary in the first place¡» ¡º...Listen to me!..¡» ¡ºWhat a stingy woman, thinking about money when her master''s life is in danger! Where''s your pride as a maid?¡» ¡ºMy pride has been tarnished by the proximity to this talking poop, Young Master¡» ¡ºSTOP CALLING ME TALKING POOOOOOOOOP!!!!! *echo*¡» ¡º¡º...¡»¡» ¡º...Hey, count Fundipion¡» ¡ºWhat is it, Troy Celvarion?! *pant* *pant* *pant*¡» ¡ºI don''t think a noble of your status should really be screaming "poop" in a middle of a public place. What''s your take, Rindo?¡» ¡ºIt appears that education at the House Fundipion is, indeed, severely lacking, Young Master¡» ¡ºBut I wasn''t!.. you were the one... I just...¡» ¡º¡º...¡»¡» ¡ºH-ha-ha-ha! Your pathetic insults d-do not affect me, Troy Celvarion! Look closely, your name is not on this board!! You failed to pass the exam!! Now everyone will know you for a miserable imposter you truly are! In fact, I cannot bear to waste any more time on a Fake Hero! I shall leave at once! Hmph!!¡» *stomp* *stomp* *fume* *fume* ¡ºWhat a kind-hearted talking poop, trying to console me after I''ve failed the exam! I feel sorry for it now, Rindo. Did we let our prejudice cloud our minds and prevent us from noticing a true heart of gold beneath this pile of poop? What does it really tell us about ourselves?¡» ¡º... You seem to be in a good mood, Young Master¡» ¡ºImpossible!! I just failed the most important exam in my life, so, naturally, I''m completely devastated! I need to eat my sorrows away immediately. What do you say about that burger joint down the street?¡» ¡ºI wonder what will your father say when he learns about this¡» ¡ºNothing good, that''s for sure. So, are you coming? Or do you wanna split and make a quick run to bring the news to him before anybody else does?¡» ¡º...I shall follow you, Young Master¡» And with dastardly count Poopion defeated, victorious Hero Party goes to stuff their faces in the nearest restaurant ¡ºWhere do you think you''re going, cadet Celvarion?¡» Or maybe not
Now Loading........ S1E2 - I always brawl when I hit the ground S1E2 - I always brawl when I hit the ground
Try interacting
¡ºIt seems like Mister Hope of Kaladerra has finally decided to grace us with his presence! We are truly grateful to receive such great honor! Please, allow me to apologize for making you spend your precious time on such trivial matters! I sincerely hope you didn''t have to rearrange your busy schedule too much!¡» Can you please lay it a little bit thicker, you hag? Clearly, there''s nowhere near enough sarcasm to get your point across, so quit slacking off and start taking this whole over exaggerated ironic commentary thing more seriously! Bespectacled lady of uncertain age with fox ears sticking from her head and generous amount of cleavage sticking from her business suit that''s sitting across the table from me is Jezabella Marendazium, Rector of the University Court and the one who''s actually running this Hero-making academy. If you discount her loyal dog, standing silently behind that venom-spitting cunt and pretending - successfully - to be part of the furniture, we''re the only two people in the rector''s office at the moment. Rindo actually decided to split. It''s not like she had anything better to do - she just really doesn''t like that annoying hag Neither do I, for that matter. The amount of hoops I had to jump through during my previous runs thanks to that manipulative sly fox of a rector is headache inducing, to say the least ¡ºDon''t be so hard on yourself, Lord Rector. I just happened to be in the area and decided to pay a courtesy visit, just to see for myself how the students attending your famous academy are doing. As Hero of the World, I have very high expectations for such talented and promising individuals!¡» ¡º...Hero of the World is currently attending that famous academy as well, in case you''ve forgotten¡» ¡ºSadly, the steep requirement of your prestige establishment presented an insurmountable hurdle for a person of a mediocre skill set such as myself. Despite my best effort, I seem to have failed the entrance exam miserably! Well, that''s what the group distribution board implies, at the very least¡» ¡ºYour name wasn''t added to the board because of my direct order. As you correctly assumed, the results of your entrance tests are, in fact, quite problematic, so we should discuss a few things before you are officially assigned to the appropriate group¡» Oh, should we how, you sneaky fox? Are those "little things" of yours include my exam score being so suspiciously low that the only group I can be assigned to is an infamous Group G? Do they also include the fact that you are more than willing to put me into a Group S - the highest scoring one - anyway, in a surprising fit of generosity? How about a little detail that your "generosity" immediately turns out to be a complete hoax, forcing me to become your slave for the majority of the time I will spend in this academy? Does it also get included in our discussion, or should I read some stupid fine print to figure it out? Believe you me, that treacherous hag is not to be trusted. She will manipulate you into doing her dirty laundry, and then she will make it looks like you owe her for it. First, she presents you with a "favor", and then she either throw you into some troublesome situation in exchange for it, or the "favor" itself turns out to be a huge pile of trouble of its won. And when you get completely overwhelmed dealing with this bullshit - mostly her bullshit, by the way - she sweeps in to save the day and makes you owe her some more. Pretty effective cycle, if anything That scheming personality of hers makes me remember those ancient superstitions that consider all those fox cunts to be possessed by an immortal spirit of treachery. That also would explain why she looks quite young, despite her actual age being... Hm? Have I ever learned how old this hag really is during all of my loops? Not that I care that much, among all the other mysteries that still remain unresolved, it''s the least interesting one ¡ºIt seems like your final score barely qualifies for you to be assigned to Group G as it is, Mister Hope of Kaladerra. However, I am willing to make an exception and let you join Group S on a temporary basis. Of course, there are going to be a few conditions...¡» ¡ºNah, I''m good, thanks¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºI''m not sure you heard me correctly, so let me say it again - from now on, you are going to be assigned to G-group based on your score¡» ¡ºWait, I actually passed the exam? Amazing, go me! To be honest with you, I was a little worried that I would have to cancel the celebration party. My friends were really looking forward to getting wasted tonight, and I''d hate to disappoint them. Thank you so much for delivering this wonderful news to me personally, Lord Rector. The first keg we shall jug in your honor! Huzzah!!¡» ¡º...You don''t have any friends¡» ¡ºNow that''s a funny joke! I''m Hero, Lord Rector. Everybody in the world is my friend!¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºI wonder if your family will show the same amount of enthusiasm about the current situation¡» ¡ºI''m sure they all gonna be ecstatic. The adorable little boy they all love so much just took his next step in becoming a full-fledged member of society and got himself accepted into famous University of Liberal Combat Arts. Their collective happiness will shoot through the roof, no doubt¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºDon''t you want to follow the footsteps of your historical predecessors, Mister Hope of Kaladerra? Every Hero before you has attended the university as a member of a Group S, you know¡» ¡ºI feel like conforming to restrains of an outdated tradition will limit my potential for personal growth. We must both agree that it''s really important to promote a sense of individuality among the students of this pinnacle of academic efforts¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºYou realize the scale of a public relationships nightmare you''re going to cause?¡» ¡ºI''m sure you will manage to spin it the right way. Tell them Hero wants to mingle with the masses and fight his way to the top from the lowest possible position. Everybody loves a good comeback story¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» Keep fishing, you evil hag. I''m not gonna bight, since I''m well aware of those conditions you''re desperately trying to impose on me. One of them includes acquiring an honorary title of an S-group Leader by the end of the first semester, at the risk of expulsion if I fail to do so. Such exciting activity implies getting approval from every professor of Academic Council and every member of Student Council. Plus every student of Group S will get to have a say, and let''s not forget the representatives of every other first-year group. If we feel like it, we can throw in a mandatory survey among all the cooks and janitors of the campus at the later date As a result, I will spend my first semester running around like a complete lunatic, getting entangled with a whole bunch of annoying characters, and trying to convince them all that I''m the real deal. At which task I will continuously fail, so most of the votes I''ll get are going to be in the nature of "He''s a total loser, but I''m gonna vote for him anyway ''cause it''s funny to see him squirm LOL!!1" Somewhere along the line I''ll uncover a number of conspiracies and solve a number of mysteries, increase the number of companions and do a number on some bullies. A very fun way to spend time, but not efficient enough to my liking. If I aim to become stronger anytime soon, those wacky shenanigans will have to wait To sum it up - yes, my score is phenomenally low. No, even I am not that much of an idiot. Yes, something fishy is going on in the academy. Yes, my "failure" is related to that. Yes, that hag is trying to send me on a wild goose chase to find and fix that "something". No, it''s not my job to do so. Boring shit, do not want ¡ºIt would appear that our discussion has reached its end. Thank you again for delivering the good news, Lord Principal. I would love to stay and have a pleasant chat with you for a little longer, but I''m afraid the stench of a wet dog emanating from you is getting unbearable, so I shall hurry and take my leave, you old hag *Heroic Smile*¡» *swoosh* *thud* *creeeak* ¡º...Wanna try and repeat that again, you ungrateful little shit?¡» Look, a talking piece of furniture! Eira Gingakkia, miss University Court Secretary and Jezabella''s trusted right hand, decided to join the conversation! She''s an orphan that Bella rescued somewhere in a northern Frontier Lands while still working at her occupation previous to Lord Rector. Ever since then, Eira dedicated her life to being a loyal doggy to that sly fox. Basically raised by that cunning hag, she didn''t pick up any of those manipulative habits her newfound mommy had, and opted to be as straightforward and as honest as it gets. Most of the time she pretends to be the cool beauty and actually manages to behave like a responsible adult, unless you get her really angry. And the easiest way to get that mad dog (or should I say mad shark) angry is to rub her owner the wrong way A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation. Do that, and you should consider yourself lucky if the only thing that happened is you ending up face down on the floor with her straddling you and threatening to break your arm, which is exactly the situation I''m currently in by the way Woah, check out the store on that angry demon, she emits enough pressure to make even the most ferocious psy-bear want to run away while shaking like a puppy. Tough luck, bitch, Hero never falters. Let''s deliver a Splendid Kick of Justice right into her shark-teeth *snap* *swoosh* *thud* ¡º¡º¡º...¡»¡»¡» The *snap* part is my arm actually breaking as a result of me rotating out of the armlock. And the *thud* part is me slamming face-first into the floor again after my Splendid Kick of Justice was brilliantly dodged ¡º...The hell are you doing?¡» ¡ºWhat, you scared, shark-girl? Wait till I get myself off the floor, then I will show you how stupid it was to pick a fight with Hero!¡» ¡ºHuh, still wanna go, punk?! Bring it on!!..¡» ¡ºThat''s quite enough, Eira¡» ¡ºBut mama, that pip-squeak just called you...¡» ¡ºMister Hope of Kaladerra seems to have a very peculiar sense of humor. No reason to take offense from a simple joke¡» ¡º...Tsk, can''t be helped¡» ¡ºYou sure about this, ladies? I still have three more working limbs, so we can keep dancing, if you want¡» ¡º...Let me do something about that, cadet Celvarion¡» >> Recovery << See, what did I tell you - a truly responsible adult, as long as her mama doesn''t forget to yank on her chain from time to time. This shark-girl even fixes the toys she broke herself. What a good shark-girl! But regretfully, her healing powers are almost nothing compared to our Horny Superhealer. Saint has the ability to directly mend organic matter - an inherited thaumaturgical power more commonly known as "miracle". Other natural-born healers have it too, hers is just completely out of proportion with its monstrous efficiency Miss secretary isn''t a natural born healer, so she will have to resort to other means. As you can see, there''s a magic formula forming around my body - a clear indication that what she''s using is a proper alchemical spell called "Recovery". Can be learnt by almost anybody, but to use it efficiently requires a lot of concentration and a very good understanding of an organic matter you are attempting to heal. So, unlike miracle workers that just do it intuitively, sharkie here has to put a lot of conscious effort to... ...Actually, this is taking forever. Let me just fix the bone into place to expedite the process *hrump* *snap* ¡º¡º...¡»¡» ¡ºHey, as good as new. Thank you kindly, Razor Teeth, you''re a real friend!¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºPlease allow me to extend my apology on behalf of my secretary, Mister Hope of Kaladerra. I hope we can all just forget about it, since no actual harm was intended by anyone involved¡» ¡ºYeah, no problem! I do feel like I should probably get a proper health check in a hospital, though. Somehow, it still hurts a lot, so maybe your precious little girl here missed a spot¡» ¡º...I''m sure it''s just your imagination¡» ¡ºMost likely! But Hero''s health is instrumental to the safety and well-being of all the people in the world, so we can''t leave anything to chance. Actually, I think the pain is getting much worse, so I better hurry!¡» ¡ºIs there something I personally can do to help you through your suffering?¡» ¡ºWhy thank you, how kind of you to ask! I think I will forget about the pain if I swing my sword around a little, so how about granting me access to a Noob Dungeon? Sounds good?¡» ¡ºDungeon Orientation doesn''t start until a month into the first semester, so I don''t think it would be possible for me to grant your request¡» ¡ºAw-aw-aw-the-pain-is-getting-unbearable *monotone*¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºGoddess-help-me-the-pain-is-driving-me-crazy *monotone*¡» ¡º...*sigh* Alright, I''ll see what I can do...¡» ¡ºThe-pain-oh-the-pain-how-is-it-even-possible-that-it-hurts-so-much *monotone*¡» ¡ºFine-fine, here you go!¡» >> ACQUIRED : ULCA Dungeon Access ¡ºThanks! Now, just to make sure I heard you correctly, I am actually a student of G-group, right?¡» ¡º...Yes, you are correct, Mister Hope of Kaladerra. As of today, you are officially a student of University of Liberal Combat Arts, assigned to the Group G based on your entrance examination results. Congratulations! Please do your best to improve our evaluation of you in the future!¡» ¡ºSure will! OK, thanks again, gotta go, bye! Chin up, Razor Teeth!¡» Well, that wild idea surprisingly paid off. Don''t think for a second that I actually managed to muscle that dungeon access out of the hag with my brilliant acting skills. She probably has her own ideas about all that, and I have a pretty good grasp on what they are, but who cares. I unexpectedly got a pretty useful asset to start off my Hero Retirement Uninterruped Master Plan, which will allow me to do a few things a little earlier than I thought. I''m grateful, old fox. As a thank you, I will pretend that I didn''t hear your quiet murmuring as I close the door to your office behind me ¡º...I need to have a good talk with those profiling idiots...¡»
Now, after such a splendid victory, every self-respecting Hero needs to get some proper fucking loot. For that, I will need to find a certain treasure chest somewhere in the hallway on the second floor of the administrative building. Where exactly... ah, there it is! So, while I''m rummaging through this trash bin, lets look back on a recent event. Originally, I should have run into the Pointy Ears in the bathroom this morning and have a little "peeking accident", so this time I made sure to stay away from that part of the dormitory entirely, yet miss elven princess went out completely naked to "accidentally" run into me anyway. The resulting ruckus took a while to settle down, so this time I was very late to reach the academy, yet count Poopion has waited for more than two hours by the entrance just to make sure we have our fun little chat. After I learned about my "failure" to enroll, I was supposed to run into rector''s office crying, begging and screaming, so this time I just tried to go straight back to the dormitory, yet they dragged me back to the office almost by force There''s not enough data to reach any definitive conclusion, but so far, it feels like certain events almost trying to force themselves to happen. Certain events or certain things. Like this thing that I finally manage to find in an empty trash bin, for example. Great timing! >> ACQUIRED : FireNADE (grade I-1) Fire type Non-reusable Alchemical Device with Explosive effect, Industrial grade, tier 1, not available to the general public. Basically, this little cylinder is a throwable fireball - the casing contains a non-rechargeable power source, pre-embedded magic formula, and an activation mechanism. Turn the safety cap, press the button, throw it at your problems - and wait for the resulting CABOOM to deal with these problems for you. Good find! In every loop I''ve been through, this thing is always just sitting here - no matter when you actually get around to check. Kinda makes you think. Kinda makes me not. I have enough confusing shit to think about as it is Anyway, onward to the next treasure chest!
Which happens to be in a female changing room of one of the gyms in the combat wing, where else. Ignore the suspicious humming from the looker on the left, the one we need is on the right side, third one from the window. Let''s try to open it... Aha!! >> ACQUIRED : Trusty key (weird shape makes it untrustworthy) >> NOTE : Only a brave knight on a quest for true beauty will find a way, brother! Throw the stupid note away, grab the key, and get the fuck out of here. Now, to the next one!
If you assume that a public toilet we are currently in is for female use only, you are absolutely correct. Recreational building, first floor, closest restroom to the left from the main entrance, last stall. Shove Snick into the nearest empty trash can, rotate the can upside down, open the stall, check behind the toilet tank, reach carefully, ponder for a second, detach one of the golden wires just in case, remove the power element, put it in your pocket, take Snick out of the trash can, ignore all the angry squeaking. Done! Since Snick was a little preoccupied before, allow me to explain instead. That cylindrical glowing crystal with a socket attached to one end we''ve just ACQUIRED is a RUMP - Rechargeable Universal Magical Power supply element. Most non-organic magical devices run on those power elements, so this thing is pretty important. And expensive - based on the size and the intensity of the glow, it''s definitely Military grade, so that''s a hefty sum right here in my pocket! There''s two more of those beauties hidden around the campus, and together, they should provide sufficient start-up funds for my daring future projects. Hm? The thing this crystal was attached to? Thanks, but I have no use for that makeshift monstrosity. It''s remotely activated anyway, and this particular one is also malfunctioning. When those fucking idiots launch their attack on the academy, this piece of shit, unlike the other two, will fail to go off, so we will have to fight our way through the whole building to manually deactivate it Let''s get out of here and then I tell you all about it. You see, the hallway on the left side of an entrance was barricaded for some reason, so we had to go and... ¡ºCare to explain yourself, Hero Candidate?¡» Fuck. The last person a wanted to run into right now ¡ºIt'' bad enough that future Hero was absent during the opening ceremony, showing an unacceptable level of disrespect to a sacred tradition and putting on display alarming tendencies to indulge in acts of undisciplined behaviour, but now I see him blatantly disregarding public morals by entering a facility strictly dedicated for the female use. I fail to understand how you can even remotely consider such actions to be acceptable for someone who carries the fate of Kaladerra on his shoulders, and who''s ethical standards and moral integrity should provide all the people of this world with a sense of reassurance. In my opinion...¡» Vice-president of the Student Council - Ran-Shalka Hrazull, everybody''s favorite Forest Ork. Green skin, pointy ears, slightly visible fangs, perfectly adjusted uniform, and a pair of glasses she keeps constantly fixing. All the ferocious nature usually associated with her kin she channels directly into diligent studies, hard administrative works and last but not least - into making sure that all the students remember about the existence of the word "discipline". Has a secret fun club and a huge glaring flaw... ¡º...setting an example to all around him with his unshakable resolve to adhere to all the necessary customs...¡» Yeah, her deep love for never-ending nagging. Once she gets her Rapid Fire Sermon going, it''s impossible to shut her up. Anyway, seems like I''m all done here for now. I really wanted to grab the other two RUMPs, but with all the commotion that is about to start, I don''t think I can get to them without anybody noticing. Oh well, I''ll have to make do with what I already got ¡º...and always brush your teeth before going to bed. Do you understand, Hero Candidate Celvarion?¡» ¡ºI understand your confusion, my fair maiden, but please rest assured!! Following the guiding light of Goddess herself that led me to this temple of personal hygiene, I was simply looking for any potential signs of evildoers!!¡» ¡º...In the woman''s restroom?¡» ¡ºIndeed!! And it seems I was just in time - some scoundrels planted a magical explosive device within this very room, no doubt, in hopes of lowering academical productivity of the students attending Hero Academy! Too bad, pesky villains!! Your pathetic schemes are no match for the unrelenting vigilance of True Hero!!¡» ¡º...In the woman''s restroom?!¡» ¡ºYup, last stall, behind the tank, go see for yourself, I''ll wait. Don''t worry, I''ve deactivated it already, so it''s totally safe¡» ¡º...if that is your attempt at talking your way out of...¡» ¡ºEasy enough to find out if it is, right? *Heroic Smile*¡» ¡º...Don''t go anywhere¡» ¡ºDefinitely! Also, after you''re done having a proper look, I suggest notifying the rector and doing a proper swipe of the campus. The best places to start would probably be the security building and the research lab. And on that note...*swoosh*¡» Mwahahahaha, how naive!! I told you that I will wait here, but actually, I will not!! ¡ºIt actually looks like explosive devise! But how did you even... Wait, where are you going?! Get back here right now!!¡» ¡ºGoodbye, my fair maiden!! I shall depart, for my Heroic presence is required elsewhere!!¡» Yeah, so long, suckers. Hero has left the building
Now Loading........ S1E3 - Explanation Unknown S1E3 - Explanation Unknown
Don''t feed RUMPs to your PLUMs
While we''re on our way from the academy to the next destination, let''s talk about privacy for a second. Or in my case, a total absence of it. All those slight of hand manipulations I had to do with Snick just now made me think that something has to be done about it soon, especially since Rindo is not with me right now When you talk about privacy nowadays, the conversation will inevitably involve Network at some point. Historically speaking, magical transmission of thoughts isn''t anything new - you get a thought, you envelop it with magic, you emit it like a regular spell, you throw it at someone''s head. The magic consumption is huge, the distance is small, and you have to focus really-really hard, so for a long time it wasn''t considered anything more than a fancy gimmick. That is, until some giga-brain discovered a way to control and detect the oscillations of light vexels, which transfer almost instantly and reach almost anywhere. Alchemical device for immediate information transfer - Magical Transceiver - was created. And with this, the Network was born Not right away, of course. At first, they were just capable of having a proper conversation between two fixed points, but even that was a pretty big deal. You see, this invention happened almost right before the Great Collapse, during which most of those who were even capable of having a proper conversation were separated by hordes of hungry monsters, so informational exchange became kind of vital at this point. Some say that the role Magical Radio played in helping Kaladerra get through the First Impact can even be compared to the involvement of Hero and his wild bunch After the Great Collapse was dealt with, this magical tech went through the expected booming phase, which resulted in the creation of Magical Network - interconnected global structure dedicated to information transferring. Today, it covers most of the civilized parts of Kaladerra with an intricate system of cables, transceivers, overleveled mediums, overmutaded creatures, thinking trees, and anything else those weirdos from Dominion of Truth can come up with. Those freaks are the ones running the Network, and they are the only ones that know how it all actually works. Everybody else is just using it Which is mandatory, by the way, as long as you choose to live in the country that is affiliated with the World Summit. Every citizen is required to have a personal Network account - it includes Magical ID, name, level, class, rank, vextra-coin balance, stats, skills, soma, magic, achievements and some other stuff. The information is publicly available, unless your rank is high enough to request it not to be To access your account, you need a link to the Network. And for that, you need PLUM - Personal Link-providing fully-Upgradable Magical assistant. Another concoction from those Dominion of Truth freaks, PLUM is an overmutaded animal - familiar - with a bunch of infused skills and some sockets for alchemical implants. I think initially they are transmutated from some form of lower dragon to give them higher resistance and ability to levitate, then they probably get increased resilience and data processing skills from insects, illusion magic and transformation from beasts and regeneration from sea creatures. Don''t forget to add some capacity to store and telepathically transmit and receive information, and after all that you can bind the resulting creature to your own Magical Signature to get a personal connection to the Web of Truth Basically, that''s what PLUMs are - very sturdy floating magical transceivers with a very good memory, that can appraise anything they look at, show you pictures with illusion magic, and provide you access to your account - or any other part of the Network. For example, they can scan your current condition, reference it to the official leveling system, and then show it back to you in a form of Status Screen. They can analyze the loot you''re picking to a certain extent. They can present a map of the city with the most popular restaurants marked on it. And if your favorite Dungeon Divers decided to stream they current progress through the eyes of their own PLUMs, your familiar can display it to you in real time. Fun stuff Plus, they act like a passkey to the areas that may require it, and every big city usually has a lot of those. Your PLUM automatically presents your rank for the verification, and if it is high enough, you can pass. If it''s not - well, then you should go away and think about contributing Anything besides keeping itself alive and handling your information goes besides the scope PLUM''s basic functionality. For extra features, they can be equipped with alchemical implants, but those are usually expensive as fuck, and they also need Rechargeable Universal Magical Power elements to run. Your familiar fuel itself with food, so basic options are free of charge, but if you want to rely on those shiny implants - then better pop some extra batteries. PLUMs themselves are provided for free, by the way Like my Snick, that weird looking rat, for example! Sure, a lot of companies will happily offer you dozens of overpriced fancy models to choose from, but if glamour isn''t your thing, the state-provided PLUM will do just fine. There''s a question of satisfying an unbearable urge to show the abundance of your vextra-coins, but the answer to that question depends on a personal preference. My family''s preference was to spend as little money on me as possible. What can I say, I''m well loved Anyway, what PLUM can see - it remembers, what it remembers - it can transmit. Officially, only the information required to update your personal account is transferred automatically, everything else (with few exceptions) can be sent only through your direct command - when you want to do a live broadcast, share some photos from your birthday party, or start a video call. But what is less widely known - or rather, deliberately ignored by everybody - is that you''re not the only one who can give that command. Network Operators can give it too, remotely. Yes, all Operators are from Dominion of Truth. Yes, they stick to they precious Codex. No, they don''t do it all the time. They also can be bribed, threatened, brainwashed, or simply convinced. By authorities, or any other party interested in a certain information And as far as interesting information goes, my personal one is pretty tempting for a lot of people. Hero of the World and all that - who''d want to miss an opportunity to get a scoop? And the guys who are trying to get it through some tricky methods are just the tip of the iceberg. Those who are legally entitled to it are much more numerous and a lot harder to deal with Sure, my personal account is not open to public entirely, and it only shows some major details that clarify that I, you know, exist. That wasn''t done through my request - my humble D rank isn''t enough for that. Especially since I''m not even an actual D rank in the first place - I was temporarily promoted as a special exception, since anybody with the rank lower than D can''t even enter our beloved Capital of the World in the first place. No, the reason for this secrecy is because, according to the Concordat, all access to the Hero''s personal information is supposed to be managed by Hero Assisting Intercontinental Assembled Initiative That should, theoretically, keep my personal data secure, but that''s just until you remember that any organization that agrees to follow the Concordat of Heroes can request access to my info, as long as they manage to convince HAIAI that it is necessary. And boy, do they try to be convincing! As a result, the amount of people that know my every move without even having to rely on any sort of shady tactics is pretty astronomical. And not all of them are good guys Do you want to know how many times the enemies have appeared exactly in the right fucking place and at the right fucking time during my journey? How many times they were ahead of my every action, how many times they mysteriously knew something that they clearly shouldn''t? And when I say "enemies", I don''t particularly mean demons - those guys are comparably easy to deal with. They just destroy stuff and kill people. To stop them from doing that, you just have to fucking kill them instead. You can even occasionally be praised for doing so Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site. Hitting things with pointy sticks doesn''t work that well in all those... other types of situations. Not that I ever tried, since I was always a goody two shoes. How about this time around, I do a little experiment and... ... Nah, I''m just kidding! I''m on my way to Heroic Retirement, so what do I care? They can enjoy their petty squabbles and power moves to their heart''s content. Go ahead, knock yourself out, fellows! The one to come out on top will get to watch the world being destroyed from the highest vintage point Me, I''m just regular mediocre Hero doing my small mediocre Hero things. For that, I want my humble mediocre Hero privacy, and for that, I need a help from the professional. Because when there''s a person that comes up with a way to build something, there''s always going to be a person that comes up with the way to break it Well, seems like I''ve finally arrived - there''s that alley, and there''s that door that isn''t different from all the others but will open for some reason. At least I hope it will - this whole thing is a gamble, to be honest, but then again - what exactly wasn''t today? Let''s try it...
At the long last, their endless chase across the whole world brought Hero Party to this criminal lair, well-hidden, surprisingly, not so far away from where their tireless pursuit has begun. As they step down the stairs, they remember all the cryptic clues they had to assemble and all the great many dangers they had to brave, until they reach another door and get ready to meet a mysterious villain...
Man, what a pigsty! I know those creeps value knowledge above all else, but still. Yes, the morons from Dominion of Truth call themselves Librarians, not Janitors, but did that ever occurred to them that keeping your working and living environment clean is also a pretty useful knowledge to have? Anyway, I''m in luck - he''s actually here, sitting in a chair in the middle of this dumpster, surrounded by magic formulas and a dozen of familiars flashing their screens. Or is it "she"? Baggy clothes, hood that hides the face, and the voice... well, most of the Librarians have inorganic voices, but this one definitely trying to set a new record. Just listen to it ¡ºWhat does the "Hero" need from me?¡» Yup, creepy as fuck! Hey, wait a minute! Did I hear some mockery in a way you pronounce my splendid title? Unforgivable! I only choose to overlook such barbarism because of my eternal love for peace and non-violent solution. Be grateful, you filth! Anyway, to the main topic ¡ºI want you to make my PLUM disobey any command that isn''t coming directly from me¡» ¡ºK-k-k-k-k-k-k!¡» That weird noise is the best attempt at laughter this moron can muster, I suppose. Eternal love for non-violent solution, protect me! ¡ºThis version of the "Hero" is a rebel. Does the "Rebel" not afraid that making this conversation public will affect his reputation in a negative way?¡» ¡ºWell, it''s just you and me here, and I''m guessing you''ve been jamming the transmission since before I even got close to the door, so no, the "Rebel" is not really afraid¡» ¡ºWhat makes the "Rebel" think I will help him?¡» ¡ºNothing makes me think that! *Heroic smile*¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºOK, how about you get my official permission to take a peek at my Heroic antics through my PLUM whenever you want?¡» ¡ºI can do this without permission from the "Rebel"¡» ¡ºTrue, but having a proper invitation has a very different feel to it, right? VIP tour across the planet on a world saving journey with Hero as your personal guide!¡» ¡º!...¡» ¡ºI can even throw in some exclusive merch to sweeten the deal some more. I have this brilliant idea for a T-shirt design, you''re gonna love it! Imagine - me, in a bathrobe...¡» ¡ºGive the familiar to me¡» Snick, that''s your queue to be grabbed by me and thrown onto the lap of this peeping enthusiast. Now all that''s left is to wait for this weirdo to do the weirdo magic thing and... seems like it''s done. I hope it is, anyway, since I have no Idea what just happened ¡ºI provided the "Rebel" with the root access to the core functions in addition to overriding priority levels. This will make the deal more sweet¡» ¡ºThanks! I''ll make sure to do a shout out to you when I slay my first dragon! And if I ever figure out what the fuck it is that you just said, we can hold a private handshaking event!¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºAnyway, I''m gonna leave now, because I know you''re busy. See me soon!¡» Sometimes it almost feels like I know what I''m doing
That, my friends, was a world-wide celebrity - "Dammunie", the infamous rouge Librarian that betrayed Dominion of Truth. Countless misdeeds of this Network criminal include hijacking personal and corporate accounts, interrupting broadcasts and stealing and then disclosing classified data. Some say that Damunnie went crazy, but I say it''s just an attempt to flatter Librarians by implying that the rest of them are actually sane. Even during my oblivious looping, I had an impression that all this Network vandalism was just for shits and giggles, but everyone was, like, "he''s a real menace, go catch him!" And so we went around the globe collecting cryptic hints just to "catch him" two steps away from where our quest started, in that basement I just left from. After that, I don''t think we ever tried to double-check, but knowing what this renegade Librarian is capable of, I don''t think Damunnie even made it to prison after the "arrest". So why just sit there and wait for us like a fucking idiot? Based on our previous conversations, I assumed that the reason might involve a personal interest in someone within Hero Party. Being an infinitely humble person that I am, I bet on that "someone" to be me, and it feels like I was right. Or maybe Damunnie finds the idea of Hero of the World running around with illegally modified PLUM hilarious. Not entirely sure, but how can you really be with those guys Hey, at least this time I''m "the Rebel"! Wanna know what I was called during our previous interactions? Well, too bad, ''cause I''m not telling! All you need to know is that it was a very respectful name that''s truly befitting my brave Heroic character! Now, let''s just grab a few things from the dorm... ¡ºHow dare you show your face in front of me, human! Do you think I''ve forgotten those despicable insults you threw at me?¡» ¡ºWaaaah!! It''s Ellie, the Hero Slaying Monster!! Run away!!¡» ¡º*twitch* D-don''t think you can address me in such casual manner... Wait, who are you calling a monster?! Get back here this instant, human!!¡» Heroic Retreat Activated!
You know what, let''s go get on the train instead for no particular reason. Man, I really should do something about this angry royal cunt. Eventually Right now, we are going to the District Ulurumbia, located on the outskirts of Vitalberia. Originally, Ulurumbi was just a small town near the capital, but when a dungeon appeared, the academy decided to make it a training ground for its students, so they build all the proper infrastructure and then moved the city boarders to make it part of the capital. I''m sure the people of Ulurumbi were very happy to become proud vitalberians. All those who were allowed to stay, at least Look, you can already see it from here! A giant dome of thick silver fog surrounded by a fence with a sizable building guarding the entrance. Practice dungeon of the University of Liberal Combat Arts, most commonly known as a "Noob Dungeon". Let''s hurry up, I can''t wait to get my first proper dungeon loot of the run! Get off the train, check the status just in case to see if the access to the dungeon is still there, enter the Dungeon Hub right across the road from the train station, wave to the receptionist in the hall and go towards the exit gate ¡ºHello there, young fella! Looking good! Lil'' bit late in the day for a dungeon divin'', doncha'' think?¡» ¡ºWorry not, Lovely Lady of the Reception! I have a feeling I''m going to get lucky and score big time very quickly!¡» ¡ºNow, aren''t you a funny young man! Being enthusiastic is fine, but let me tell you - it ain''t gonna be that easy! This here is a trainin'' dungeon, you see, so most early floors have been cleaned up pretty good. If you''re hopin'' to earn big, you''re gonna have to go looking through the deep parts, and - no offence - that''s a lil'' early for you right now, young fella!¡» ¡ºThank you for sharing your wisdom with me, Lovely Lady of the Reception! The beauty of your compassionate heart makes the Spirit of Adventure within me burn even stronger! I shall answer its call right away and proceed through this uncharted maze, while making sure that all the safety procedures are being properly followed!¡» ¡ºYou do that, young fella! Practice or not - dungeon divin'' ain''t no joke! Remember - no shame in running away if you ever find yourself in over your head, you hear?¡» ¡ºI will embody the Spirit of Cowardly Escape in your honor, my lady!! See you soon!¡» ¡ºKeep your head on a swivel, young fella!!¡» This sheep-girl from the reception really is a lovely lady. Shame her boyfriend is such a fucking asshole! Anyway, finally go through the exit gate, clear the distance to the wall of silver fog, step through it, take a moment to adjust to the environment, go behind the nearest corner and quickly check that nobody''s around ¡ºSnick, ignore¡» ¡º*looking away*¡» OK, let''s hope that whatever Dammunie did is working properly. Take the battery from the bomb out of your pocket and throw it on the ground ¡ºSnick, look¡» ¡º*staaaaare*¡» ¡ºOh my, would you look at that!! What an intriguing oddity I just happened to find completely by chance right at the entrance of the dungeon!! Let''s pick it up and see what it is!!¡» >> ACQUIRED : RUMP (grade M-2) (38%) [ULCA Dungeon] ¡ºSeems like it''s a rechargeable universal magical power element!! What can it be possibly doing here, I wonder?! A total mystery!!¡» First proper dungeon loot GET!! Now, let''s sell it and gear up properly! Huzzah!!
Now Loading........ S1E4 - Come with me to the First Floor S1E4 - Come with me to the First Floor
Gartomsk Penitence After failing to protect his lord, a stubborn general vowed to never take off his helmet. The suffering this headgear of unsettling design brought to its wearer far outweighed a blood-chilling horror it instilled upon the enemies of an unyielding warrior on the field of his final battle Yet none of it made him forget the pain of his own incompetence
¡ºNow, what might that be, young fella?¡» ¡ºIt''s my loot, Lovely Lady of the Reception! My keen senses led me straight to this mysterious treasure!!¡» ¡º...It''s a RUMP though¡» ¡ºWell, I''m not a picky diver, so I''ll take what I can get. Give ''em hell, and don''t forget to sell what''s left of them! - or so they say¡» ¡º...And you''re saying you found it in the dungeon, hon?¡» ¡ºSure did, right by the entrance. How much do you think I can make with this? Snick, loot list for the Hub transaction!¡» ¡ºJust give me a second to check it out, hon. Let''s see... one M-2 grade RUMP, tag''s fine, 38% charge... 9730 V-coins total, please confirm the sale... wait, you are... are you... him?¡» ¡ºHero of the World, in the flesh, ready to confirm the sale!¡» ¡º...Is the world gonna be alright, I wonder?... *ahem* Sale confirmed, thank you for your hard work! Anything else I can do for you, hon?¡» >> VCOIN : 10753 ¡ºYeah, starting gear minus helmet, knife, noob gun, one fire clip and a lootbag - all C-1. Also, could you please throw in C-1 Medkit for my PLUM, fully charged C-2 battery and two more pairs of gloves¡» ¡ºTell you what, hon - I''ve got three C-1 right-hand gloves without a proper match back in the storage room. How do you feel about taking them off of me for a price of one pair?¡» ¡ºLady of my dreams right in front of me - she knows exactly what a man wants. Done! While we''re at it, please switch the battery to C-5¡» ¡ºSure thing, hon. Now, you just wait here a bit¡»
>> Standard Dungeon Exploration Protective Gear set (grade C-1) : 2000 (-500) >> Magic pistol "Chinchilla" (grade C-1) : 1000 >> UMC-Fire Magazine (grade C-1) (12) : 120 >> Combat knife (grade C-1) : 100 >> Alchemical implant "Recovery" (grade C-1) : 5000 >> RUMP (grade C-5) (100%) : 1000 >> Dungeon Lootbag (grade C-1) (rental) : 1000 >> Unsorted Gear : 500
>> Total : 10720
¡ºConfirmed! Thanks a bunch, love¡» ¡ºPleasure doing business with you, hon! Changing room is on the left, canteen is on the right - in case you be needing some rations¡» ¡ºI''m good, thank you. Don''t plan on diving too long - my gut tells me I''m gonna get lucky pretty quickly again¡» ¡ºHey, Hero is a player! Well, give me a holler if you need anything else¡» >> VCOIN : 33 Man, gotta love the Dungeon Guild - all business! Who, what, where, when and why - they don''t give a fuck! If you pick something in a dungeon, your PLUM attaches a tag to it. Anything with a dungeon tag is considered dungeon loot, anything considered a dungeon loot you can sell to the Dungeon Guild. And only to the Guild - the Dungeon Convention is pretty clear on that. Not everyone is happy with this system, but most world powers generally agree that not getting to hog all the dungeon spoils is a reasonable price to pay for preventing anybody else from doing that as well. Power Gems - arguably, the most precious resource on Kaladerra - come mostly from dungeons, so it''s a small wonder that every organization that''s worth mentioning might feel iffy about their competition potentially monopolizing an access to them That''s where IDEA - International Dungeon Exploration Association, or simply Dungeon Guild - comes into play. To be able to dive into any known dungeon, you have to join their funny little club, and whatever you get from diving you either keep or sell to them to make a profit. IDEA then redistributes it based on strategical demand and resells what''s left to anybody interested for some extra coins. A lot of extra coins, actually IDEA Hubs located at the entrance of every registered dungeon, providing necessary support for divers and making sure that no unauthorized idiot is trying to sneak through. Everything beyond the entrance of the Hub is considered the sovereign territory of the Guild - if any problems arise, they deal with them on their own, only requesting outside help if they see fit. Which doesn''t happen very often, considering they have the biggest army of suicidal cutthroats - also known as dungeon divers - under their direct command ULCA Dungeon is no exception to that rule. Yes, it is almost entirely reserved for training purposes of the University of Liberal Combat Arts, but IDEA is still the one who''s actually running it - Academy just has a very special agreement with the Guild. Aside from the fact that ULCA dungeon doesn''t have that much resources and the fact that University in Vitalberia is the biggest establishment of this kind on the planet, let''s not forget that the Academy is the exclusive workforce supplier for the Guild Dungeon diving requires a pretty specific set of skills, proper level, and a capacity to know what you''re doing to at least some extent. And then you have an academic facility that originates from a collection of capable people that manages to beat First Hero into shape good enough to save the world. Pretty hard to overlook such a perfect match, so nowadays anybody who wants to become a member of IDEA needs to graduate from ULCA first. Granted, getting a diploma from the Academy provides some other benefits - guaranteed promotion to rank C being one of them - and job opportunities, but mostly University serves as a giant conveyor belt to bringing more fresh meat to a dungeon diving meat-grinder Branches of both the University and the Guild are located in all the major cities and in most the not-so major ones, so the scale of this mutually beneficial culinary operation is pretty huge. Academy gets to enjoy its high status and preferential access to the dungeons and its resources, the Guild gets to enjoy a non-stop stream of skilled bloodthirsty maniacs to work for it, and the rest of the world gets to enjoy not having those maniacs around to stir shit up out of boredom. That, and a stable supply of Power Gems for the science, military and production purposes Those divers that manage to survive long enough to get promoted to a rank B get to retire and enjoy Full Citizenship benefits that come with the rank, making it probably the fastest social elevator available. So, yes - even official mortality rate among Guild members is not very reassuring, and no - it doesn''t really affect the overall number of volunteers that storm the Academy every year in hopes of joining the circus Peaceful and harmonious solution to a whole set of world affecting problems that''s totally worth every collateral. Huzzah!! On completely unrelated side note, initial age of admission into Academy was, I believe, 15 years old. But then somebody brought up a very silly question - why exactly are we sending underage students into murder-mazes to risk their lives hunting for gems during "training exercises"? And then there was an awkward silence, after which minimum age requirement to enroll into University was quietly moved to 18 years. Now that they are proper adults, it''s all good!! Anyway, let''s gear up and go get some actual loot. Throw academy''s uniform into a locker and put on protective gear. Boots, pants, jacket, gloves - Commercial grade Tier 1, so it''s really nothing much. Equipment that the University provides is better, but I don''t feel like waiting a whole month for Dungeon Orientation to start. Check the power level on the gun and a number of bullets in the magazine, slide the mag into the pistol, attach a holster wit the gun and a sheath wit the knife to the belt, shove a medkit implant into the slot on Snick''s back and a battery into a socket on it''s belly, check the power level of everything again, throw a lootbag with spare gloves over your shoulder. As ready as I can get, I think ¡ºSee you soon, Lovely Lady of the Reception!!¡» ¡ºHappy huntin'', hon!¡»
>> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) According to the Librarians, dungeons are inter-dimensional anomalies that connect our world to Hell. After saying that, those eggheads usually start throwing around some funny words that all basically mean "shit''s weird in the dungeon and we don''t have a fucking clue why". Hard to argue with that - shit is actually really weird in those parts. Like the size for example - the insides of those foggy domes are much bigger than their outer appearance suggests. Much, much bigger >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) Then there''s the nature of the dungeon itself, which rarely has anything to do with the actual fog. When you step through the mist, you get into completely different place - sometimes it''s an ice field under an empty black sky, sometimes it''s a fucked-up forest, sometimes it''s a cave, sometimes it''s a bizarre city - every dungeon has its own flavour of diving fun to offer. This particular one that I''m walking through right now is offering me a flavour known as "gloomy maze with narrow passages surrounded by stone walls". Like, you know, an actual dungeon >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) Let''s not forget about time. Sometimes it''s the same as on the surface, sometimes it''s not - no particular system to speak of, just roll with it. It''s very rare for a time to actually move faster inside the dungeon compared to the rest of the world, so the chances of spontaneous time-travel into the future are pretty slim. More often, time slows down instead, but that phenomenon also lacks consistency in presenting itself. Not that you feel any flow of time when you''re diving - you get tired and hungry as usual, but that''s pretty much it, so don''t forget to check the clock on your PLUM. It might also not work properly sometimes, but still better than nothing, I guess >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) Entering a dungeon is pretty easy, but exiting can present some occasional excitement as well. Every dungeon has one stable entry point, which leads from the surface to the First Floor, and can reliably bring you back to the real world when you decide to exit this stupid anomaly. Any other outside transfer point can lead you anywhere else at random - it can be another dungeon, a place on the opposite side of the planet from where you''ve started your dive, or some other funny location. Unless you feel like testing your luck, make sure to remember which way you came from and backtrack properly >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) As you already guessed by the numbering, there''s usually more than one floor to each dungeon - each has a a stable entry point and a stable progress point, which leads to the Next Floor After the One You''ve Just Been On. "Floor" is just a convenient term, because nobody can say for sure what the actual structure of the dungeon looks like. This treasure-hunting theme park keeps a pretty consistent motive between floors, usually presenting more and more versions of the same floor with different structures as you advance. Until it gets tired of it, and when you go through another progress point, you arrive at a completely different dungeon compared to the one you just traversed. The entry point that allows you to get back to the previous floor is still stable though, so they keep the name and numbering order to prevent further confusion You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version. >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) The deeper you go through the floors, the weirder it gets, until, eventually, you reach Hell. Power Gems also appear a lot more frequently on the lower floors, so based on that logic, Hell is a pretty weird place made entirely out of jewels. Few people have actually reached it to confirm and, yes, the lack of trying might be the biggest reason for it. Apart from their hyperactive phase during Impacts, dungeons remain dormant most of the time - meaning they are not in a hurry to spawn endless waves of Monsters from Underworld. Not wanting to spit in the face of such kind generosity, most divers just stick to treasure hunting on the floors suitable for their abilities - get some gems, grab some other loot, level up if possible, and get the fuck out. Some hotheads try to reach the deepest parts just for the Hell of it, but few of them ever return to tell the tale. Those who do generally advise against the idea >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) Power Gems are not the only tourist attraction here - other stuff appears in the dungeons as well. Ancient artifacts from bygone eras, remnants of vanished civilization, unidentifiable objects of unknown origin - weapons, clothes, accessories, books, runes, furniture, utensils, magical devices, sometimes entire structures. People from ages long past, mostly dead, sometimes - not so much. And to top it all off, dungeons are usually densely populated by animals from the surface >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) How exactly do those animals get into the dungeon is, obviously, completely unknown. Some say they sneak in from the real world through unstable entry point, others - that those are the creatures from previous time periods. As to what are they doing here - well, the theory that they''re just trying to return home does exist, but doesn''t get much traction, since it implies that animals of Kaladerra originate from Hell, and that, if spread widely, can open a completely unnecessary can of worms. Salvation Church loves this hypothesis, though, conveniently forgetting that humanoid animals also appear in the dungeons >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) Speculations aside, dungeon animals do seem to persistently try to reach deeper floors. That results in the creation of hierarchical ecosystem in which stronger creatures occupy lower parts by pushing weaker ones closer to the surface. Good example of the latter would be slimes that I''m currently fighting - regular insectoids that appear all over Kaladerra and also inhabit First Floor of the Noob Dungeon >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) Slimes share a lot of similarities with the larva phase most proper insect animals go through, so it is assumed they are just insectoid embryos that at some point decided to give up on maturing into bugs and go as it is. Like bugs, they are resilient, and they gelatinous structure makes it difficult to defeat them through physical attacks. Magic is effective, but wasting mana on those little buggers wouldn''t really be cost efficient, even if total amount of it that I have wasn''t comparable to a newborn child >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) With all that in mind, I decided to rely on a more straight-forward approach. To kill a slime, you have to destroy its core - and there''s nothing in particular that stops you from just shoving your hand into those pudding-looking cunts and crashing their cores by grabbing them. Pretty effective method, but not very popular. One thing is that it looks and feels pretty gross, and another... >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) ... ¡ºIt fucking stings!!¡» The insides of the slime are pretty corrosive, so the gloves you''re wearing during the jelly bean fisting session are going to become useless very quickly. I have just thrown out another glove - what was left of it - and put on the last spare one I got from the Hub, so I''ll have to switch to my left hand soon. After that, I guess I''ll just go barehanded and heal resulting burns with the Medkit >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) I don''t really need to kill all those slimy fucks, since I get almost no soma from it. I just don''t want to drag a caravan of them behind me to where I''m going >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) ... ... ... >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) ...Soma is a residual energy that''s left after something is being destroyed. I think the General Magical Theory says something about how all matter requires a certain level of power to simply exist, and when that matter stops existing, this power gets released back into the world. Then it can be absorbed by living things nearby, and they can use it to fuel themselves and to grow >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) Every organism on Kaladerra runs on soma, basically. For an everyday life, the amount of soma you get from food is enough, but if you want to get stronger, then better get to destroying something on a regular basis - preferably, other organisms, since the amount of soma you get from inorganic matter is nothing to write home about. Collect enough soma and then go see licensed level-up specialist that can help you become a better version of yourself. Animals don''t level up, by the way. They spontaneously evolve, usually into more troublesome version of themselves >> Rectangular Slime (insectoid) (danger rating F) *sploosh* *grab* *smash* >> SOMA : + 10 (20%) When you circulate soma through your body, it synchronizes itself with your Magical Signature and eventually becomes a condensed form of energy that you can use to fling around spells - mana. Soma can''t really be used for that, which is a shame because the amount of mana you can hold within yourself is limited, and the amount of soma is not. Also, only living beings can accumulate soma - inorganic matter doesn''t really do that, with one notable exception being Power Gems, which makes them so valuable. Actually, it''s more efficient to just put mana into them and... There it fucking is, finally!! The place we''re at right now is a famous dating spot amongst Academy students that enjoy outdoor activities of kinky variety. Lovers'' Gate - a door-shaped sculptural relief on the wall at the end of the short corridor in a faraway corner of the First Floor. Legend says that couples that had sex under the Gate will stay together forever afterwards, so this place enjoys an abundance of visitors eager to take part in this proud tradition all year round. No one''s here right now though, which is lucky for me As with all known persistent oddities discovered within dungeons, this one was studied pretty heavily, but nothing interesting was found as a result. Since brute force methods of breaking a wall and looking what''s behind it don''t really work in the inter-dimensional anomalous environment, everybody just eventually gave up on trying to open it and agreed between themselves that it''s just some funny sculpture made by some ancient artist as a practical joke Except it is actually a door, and you can actually open it. Just need to know the magic word *ahem* ¡ºFirstborn Empire will rise again!!¡» *clank* *clank* *clank* *creeeak* *bam!* See, it opens pretty easily. All you need to do is reach a certain room on a certain floor of a certain dungeon while being a certain level, and then a certain crazy weirdo will give you a library ticket. In the Library of Vitalberia you can exchange that ticket for a book about some incomprehensible stuff. The book itself is useless, but it has a note from some ancient scholar within, and the phrase that I just said is written on that note, among other things. And if you''re wondering how does one suppose to figure out that this specific line needs to be said in front of this specific door, I suggest that you should introduce a little variety into your pillow talk Also, please don''t ask me what this line actually means. I don''t think I''ve ever heard of an empire like that Regardless, behind this door is a tomb, and inside that giant sarcophagus in a middle of it is some actual treasure that we came to get. But first thing first, let''s deal with a little obstacle in a form of completely unsuspicious and totally natural rock in the corner >> Lying Mantis (insectoid) (danger rating E) Yeah, that''s another insect-type animal that is pretty common on the surface. Being an ambush predator, those cockroaches like to blend into the environment and then jump out at the unsuspecting prey and try to eat it. Just like most insects, they are vulnerable to fire, so one well-aimed fireball is usually enough to take care of those jumpy cunts. And, what a coincidence, I happen to have a tasty hot potato for our little friend here. FireNADE will make a short work of this bug, and if it''s still not enough, a couple of fire bullets will finish the job It''s pretty hard to miss this sneaky fuck even with my shitty stats. If you stay outside his attack range, he will just sit there like an idiot waiting for you to get close - quite the contrasting behaviour compared to the creatures that Laying Mantises eventually evolve into. Those other pricks thrash around like crazy! They are also bigger, stronger, faster, smarter, and have thicker armor - so I wouldn''t have any way of dealing with something like that right now. One fireball won''t even penetrate their outer shell Luckily, this roach has no intention of evolving anytime soon, so let me just take the NADE out of the bag, press the button and...
>> Lying Mantis has evolved into Flailing Mantis
>> Flailing Mantis (insectoid) (danger rating C) ... ... ... ...No, I have no comment. Keeping in mind what I just said, the only reasonable solution would be to Activate Heroic Retreat and get the fuck out of here. Get better gear, improve some stats, level up some skills, bring some helpers along, and return with an actual strategy to defeat this piece of garbage without much trouble. Yes, perfectly reasonable, indeed. Except for one thing I feel like this cunt is trying to give me shit with this "Fuck you!" evolution timing Nothing like this has ever happened before, I think. This almost three meters tall cricket with long-ass serrated blades attached to its arms didn''t appear in this room during any of the previous loops. I didn''t plan for this, so the way I am now, if we fight - I''m definitely toast. But that doesn''t really matter - if this bitch is giving me shit, then I''m not taking any of it. I have to keep my new friends in pristine condition - their shining purity really speaks to my sense of artistic beauty! What do you think, little buddy? >> ST-counter feels the urge to increment Yup, my thoughts exactly! Well, seems like we''re improvising. Come on, fucker!! It''s you and me, let''s dance >> FG-counter approves
*pant* *pant* *pant* *wheeze* Man, I''m a fucking wimp! We''ve been waltzing with this asshole around the tomb for, like, what - fifteen minutes? And I''m already out of breath, fuck! Nothing I can do about it now, but I gotta think about pumping up my stamina going forward *pant* *pant* *pant* *wheeze* Anyway, I''ve been doing basically the same dance move all this time - wait for this shitbag to swing big, slide underneath him, slice at the joint on his right hind leg, listen to the disappointing sound of a knife scraping the outer shell, jump away from his follow up attack, heal some new cuts on your body, repeat. Overall choreography is a little stale, but I can''t help it - I have some idea in mind, but for that I need this squiggly motherfucker to slow down and stop being so squiggly. Let''s do it one more time! That''s gonna be an overhead slash, probably, so take two steps and slide on your back under his belly. Stop, rotate on your left arm and put your full weight into the knife while getting up. Hey, that had a nice feel to it for a change! Jump back before he fully turns around to face you, is it a swipe this time? Jump again to avoid it, twist your body midair and get sliced in the shoulder instead of your neck. Guess it wasn''t a swipe. Damn ¡ºSnick, medkit!¡» >> Recovery << Very funny feeling I get from this fight. I know how this fucker moves - I''ve fought Flailing Mantises hundreds of times before. Yet he''s moving too fast for me to even see, and I''m not moving fast enough to properly react. So check out the brilliant battle tactic I came up with on the spot - try to guess his next attack and move ahead of it under the assumption that your prediction is correct. Wanna know how good am I at guessing? >> PLUM battery charge: 45 % I''d say about fifty-fifty, which is pretty solid, all things considered. Thank you, lovely reception lady, you''re an actual life-saver Wait, step in, slide, rotate, slash, jump back, heal. Wait, step in, slide, rotate, slash, jump back. Wait, step in, get sliced, jump back, heal. >> PLUM battery charge: 30 % Wait, step in, slide, rotate, slash, hear a snap, jump back. Wait, "snap"?! Did you also hear that snapping sound? Yeah, look at this cunt - he''s thrashing around even more than before and looks very angry. And he''s also limping. Phase one complete That one looks like a diagonal swing from the right. Sheath your knife, let the swing past you, do a two-step run up from the left side and jump on its back. Grab the outer shell with your left hand, place your feet and tear the gun out of the holster. Press it to the place located behind his heart and pull the trigger >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << Half a clip gone, c''mon break, break, break, break!! And you stay still, you stupid fuck!! Get thrown off and slam yourself against sarcophagus on your way down. Circle around it while waiting for the opportunity to pick up your gun. Grab it, holster it, close in for the round two. Dodge, jump, climb, balance yourself, find the spot and press the gun to it. I''m here all night long, motherfucker! >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << >> Fire Bullet << Finally, a hole big enough! Throw away your gun, grab a FireNADE out of your pocket, rotate the cap and press the button. Try to shove a NADE into the hole while settling on a silly one-liner, get thrown off again and sliced in the air. Look at your right arm cut at the shoulder flying away while still holding a NADE in its palm. Drop, roll, and stumble behind the stone casket on all threes to avoid the blast >> Fireball << ¡ºSnick, medkit!¡» >> Recovery << Fuck, I can hear the bells ringing. Grab your knife, hold it with your teeth, climb on top of the sarcophagus and dive headfirst on his back again. Feel the impact of another slice, land on top of him anyway, slam your chin into the outer shell and drop the knife. Grab the edge of the hole with your left hand and manage not to slip. Now what? Pull yourself as close to the hole as you can and then shove your left hand into it. Rummage through insides and find a slimy pumping object. Grab it, plant your feet and pull with all you got. You don''t have enough strength, it''s not gonna work It''s not gonna work, it''s not gonna work, it''s not gonna work, it''s not gonna work ¡ºGo fuck yourself!! You!! Stupid!! Cuuuuunt!! ¡» Hear a snap and fly backward with a still beating heart in your left hand. Fall down and stumble back on your feet, look at your enemy convulse in agony, listen to the loud screeching. Wait for him to stop moving and then look at the piece of meat in your hand. Think of something appropriate to say, give up and just throw it away. Take a step back and slide along the wall back to the floor. Hope that there''s enough battery left to stop the bleeding >> PLUM battery charge: 0 % ... ... ... Yeah, still alive That was clumsy, stupid, pathetic, stupid, unnecessary, and also stupid. But I don''t give a fuck I won Through all the battles and all the enemies and all the struggles, against all the impossible odds Hero prevails again Fuck, that hurts!
Peaceful night falls upon Eternal City. Yet in one of the buildings, a certain room welcomes a different kind of peace - the one that is quite dreadful in nature. Several dead bodies lie across the blood-covered floor, with a single woman standing by the window and looking at them, as if observing the results of her own actions. Quiet voice echoes between the walls ¡ºWhat would you ever do without me, Young Master? Sleeping peacefully by now with a silly look on your face, unaware of all the hard work I do for you. Such hopeless Young Master...¡»
Now Loading........ S1E5 - Im getting down to know S1E5 - I''m getting down to know
Glittering Pendant "In my restless dreams, I will see your smile It will bring me the promise of your swift return So we can await Our Hope patiently among the stars Together" Small old locket with a faded portrait of a woman on one of its sides. How does a poem fit on the other half of such a small locket is a mystery
Another beautiful fucking morning in the city of Vitalberia Well, it''s actually way past noon, but considering that I only managed to get back to dormitory during early hours of today''s morning, it''s hardly surprising that I''ve decided to sleep in. Proper Heroic Rest after glorious victory is an important part in building a foundation for even more marvelous achievements in the future! After I''ve fully recovered, all basic danger level enemies that any proper dungeon diver can defeat by simply sneezing at will rue the day they crossed paths with mighty Hero!! Fuck, I''m still sore When I was finally done dealing with the flailing asshole, it was almost midnight. The rest of the night I spent getting my well-earned loot, dragging myself back to the hub, receiving some medical treatment and going through some other post-diving procedures. Grumpy healing lady was going on and on about how silly fledgling divers are deliberately trying to make her job harder by not bringing their detached limbs with them back from the dungeon, but she still regrew my arm back just fine, so I put her sour mood to the general lack of sleep. Receptionist also looked like she wanted to say something, so I gave her my left glove as a present in case she had any more unmatched right ones in stock, and she seemed to change her mind Scary looking helmet I found in the tomb I sold to the Guild - it''s a gimmicky item with limited usage, and I don''t have proper stats for it anyway. Still, it was obviously an ancient artifact, so both girls attempted to start a ruckus again, especially after I explained that I found it behind Lovers'' Gate. I sold it anyway, but since it has to be analyzed properly before determining an actual price, all I got was standard finder''s fee. I doubt military would be very interested in this helmet after the appraisal since, as I''ve said, it''s gimmicky - so I guess Museum will grab it to add to their weird collection. After the resale is done, I''ll get my share from the Guild The remaining few treasures I kept for myself - one of them was an actual reason I did this quick in and out in the first place Currently, I''m laying on the bed in the dorm and considering if I should put my trophy to use or sleep in a little more. Well, not the actual bed - more like thin mattress, since First Hero liked sleeping on the floor, apparently, and it became sort of a custom for all Heroes after him. Apart from me and the manager, everybody else is supposed to be at the Academy, but I would be a fool to expect a certain horrid creature have any respect for mandatory attendance ¡ºIt''s good to see Young Master working hard on practicing his signature stupid facial expression right after waking up¡» ¡ºHow naive, Rindo! I practice it even in my sleep - you never know when an enemy with a weakness to funny faces will appear¡» ¡ºYoung Master has finally realized his own battle incompetence and decided to play to his strengths. Rindo is proud¡» ¡ºCall me Hero of Knowing My Own Place from now on! My shitty stats will hinder my glorious path to victory no longer - I will splendidly defeat any opposition with my impeccable slapstick comedy routines!¡» ¡ºDoes this mean that I shouldn''t expect any more useless dungeon diving tantrums from you, Young Master?¡» ¡ºTantrums?! Preposterous! It was but a mere leisurely stroll to get myself acquainted with my future training grounds!¡» ¡ºThen why did you return reeking of blood, Young Master?¡» ¡ºJust wanted us to have a matching scent, I guess¡» ¡º...It seems like all the nosebleed from constant erotic delusions has ruined your sense of smell, Young Master. But if you insist, I shall take another shower immidiatly¡» ¡ºYou do that, Rindo¡» Everyone, please, welcome - Rindo Marudokawa, my favorite personal maid! She''s also my only personal maid, so the competition wasn''t exactly fierce - yet I somehow still unsure about whether or not she deserves to claim her victory in this popularity contest. Maybe I''m just being prejudiced, or maybe it has something to do with the fact that she''s not exactly "my" personal maid. She''s a personal maid of "Hero Story goes, Head of House Marudokawa was leading the party that discovered First Hero and brought him back to Vitalberia during Great Collapse. Then the story goes further and insist the Head''s daughter was with him and she was the one who actually pointed the direction towards Hero''s whereabouts. Well, it would be more correct to say that Marudokawas'' side of the story insists on that version of events - fervently. Everybody else thinks it''s just a load of crap Marudokawas keep repeating in order to solidify their status as a House with special connection to Heroes, but personally, I consider at least the part where the Head of the House brought 11 years old daughter to a monster-infested wastelands to be absolutely true. Expect nothing less from this bunch of battle-junkies Details aside, we can all agree that it was Marudokawas who found First Hero. We can also agree that they were clinging to him a bit too much after that, treating him like their personal trophy. Especially the daughter I just mentioned - she was sticking to Hero like a glue, acting more like his legal wife or something - there was even a talk of House Marudokawa adopting First Hero at some point, but then Salvation Church decided to remind everyone that Hero is a son of Goddess and they suppose to have a monopoly on everything that comes from her. Remaining Great Houses also wanted to somehow get involved in all this to prevent a rapid rise of House Marudokawa, and let''s not forget Emergency Congress loudly voicing their confusion about the fact that nobody''s asking their opinion despite them being the only solid governmental structure left on the planet As you can imagine, this disagreement resulted in a friendly, civilized discussion between all interested parties - and then some blood was spilled for some (obviously completely unrelated) reason. Actually, a lot of blood was spilled, but we are not supposed to talk about that nowadays. Eventually, everybody decided that it''s best to move Hero into the public property category and leave it at that. Hero Assisting Intercontinental Assembled Initiative was formed, and everybody else signed the Concordat of Hero that, among other things, advised anyone who wanted to use Hero rental services to go through HAIAI. First Hero didn''t care, Marudokawas were grumpy, HAIAI was busy, and all the rest pretended to respect this agreement But not the young successor of House Marudokawa - she assigned herself as an exception to this whole Hero Uninvolvement rule and even managed to weasel her way into Hero Party and claim her spot as Hero''s Personal Maid. I think First Hero fancied her quite a lot, since that title of hers soon became official, and Marudokawas became a little less grumpy. Salvation folks were saying something about Hero''s Maid not being mentioned in the Scripture, but House Marudokawa pointed out that detailed instructions on finding Hero''s location in case of an emergency also fail to appear in the Sacred Pages, and since everybody were pretty tired from their previous friendly discussion, the whole situation didn''t evolve into anything fun As a result, Hero''s Personal Maid is properly mentioned alongside all other members of Hero Party in the chronicles of Heroic Sacrifice that put an end to the First Impact. And after it became obvious that "Hero Reincarnates Again to Save the World from Demon King Invading One More Time" event is going to repeat itself every hundred years, a new tradition was born - a suitable successor of House Marudokawa at the time of the Impact should always be assigned as a bodyguard of current Hope of Kaladerra. Records show that every time it just so happens to be a young woman three years older than Hero - that might seem like a weird coincidence to anyone who chooses to ignore the fact that all other members of Hero Party are always women of the same age as Hero. Essentially, everybody just shrugs it off in accordance to a universal agreement that says "We have no idea what Hero actually is and how he does all his Heroic stuff", so no eyebrow is in any particular hurry to be risen Rindo, being 21, follows the footsteps of her predecessors pretty faithfully in that regard. Her sadistic tendencies, though, are her own unique spin to the classic world saving formula - at least I think they are, since records don''t go into great many details about Hero retainers of the previous generations Long story short, people got their peace, Heroes got their Maids, and Marudokawas got to one-sidedly claim their title of the one and the only True Supporters of Heroes. Which explains why this House hates HAIAI with a vengeance, since they think it''s being an intrusive wannabe muscling in on their cozy Hero Supporting tea party. HAIAI, on the other hand, quite likes Marudokawas, since it considers them to be easily manipulated idiots that are pretty useful to have around. HAIAI even covers up for House Marudokawa when it manages to piss off the powers that be - and the rest of the world along with them - again You see, those "Hero Supporters" like to occasionally go on a killing spree, wiping out those who they consider "Enemies of Hero". Granted, their targets usually deserve a lot worse than a swift death by the assassin''s blade, but that''s beside the point - bunch of highly trained killers operating without any supervision will hardly make anyone happy, so HAIAI pretends to be the one directing Marudokawa''s attacks. This pretence doesn''t require much effort, since it''s actually true most of the time - without Marudokawas being aware of it, of course. Those fucking bellends just think that they are very-very sneaky and nobody knows what they are doing They also think they are the only ones who know what''s best for Heroes, which presents me with a bit of a dilemma, as their supposed "employer". Sure, an army of loyal maids and butlers possessing infinite amount of deadly skills and dedicated to the purpose of dealing with my problems for me sounds great, but consider this - they don''t wait for my command, or even approval, to start one of their blood-spraying festivals, and they refuse to listen to me when I tell them to take it easy and lay off killing people for a bit. Not exactly what I call a useful asset For example, my memory tells me that last night Rindo was on one of those "missions" the Head of the House orders her to do from time to time, which probably involved slaughtering a bunch of people that were probably plotting something despicable and were probably presenting some sort of an obstacle to "Heroic Cause". Or at least Marudokawas thought so, and if you''re wondering if anybody from their House deemed necessary to get my go-ahead before starting this shit, I would like to inform you that I''m not even supposed to be aware of any such activities taking place at this point of my journey. And even when I, way-way-waaay down the line, learn about this, they''re just going to be, like, "Yup, we''ve been doing it, and we''re gonna keep at it, Young Master". Out-fucking-standing Still, Rindo being busy yesterday presented a pretty valuable window of opportunity, all things considered. I forgot to ask that sly fox to give my maid dungeon access as well, which could''ve resulted in a bit of a hiccup in my loot-collecting run. Sure, the Guild and the Academy have a special agreement, but even University students can''t go through the hub without special permission granted by the rector. Meaning - I can enter Noob Dungeon, but Rindo still can''t. And she wouldn''t be too eager to let me dive on my own, now that I think about it Yes, as you might have already noticed during the incident when Pointy Ears almost cut me in half while Rindo was just making jokes on the side, my "Personal Maid" has a very liberal interpretation of what a bodyguard duty implies - yet she absolutely doesn''t want me dead. I''m tempted to say that she''s just simply against the idea of losing her favorite source of daily entertainment, but for the sake of preserving the dignity of House Marudokawa (ha-ha!), let''s all agree that Rindo is sincerely worried about her bodyguard score dropping in case of my untimely demise, and leave it at that Anyway, let''s get dressed, wash our face and go check the kitchen. If we''re in luck, our dorm mommy could be there to provide us with some much needed late breakfast and a pleasant conversation to wash it down ¡ºOh my, Lord Hero has finally arisen to bestow a light of his magnificent presence upon the denizens of Heroic Domain! Would His Lordship be willing to allow this humble servant to display her mediocre cooking skills in order to provide nourishment for his future Heroic Deeds?¡» If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. ¡ºSurely, you jest, Beautiful Maiden of the Dorm! Rumors of your unprecedented culinary expertise have traveled far and wide, causing spontaneous salivation all across Kaladerra that threatens to raise the level of the World Ocean! The prospect of finally partaking some of your famous gastronomical masterpieces is filling me with joy of Heroic proportions!¡» ¡ºWeeell, let me see if I can whip something up for you. I haven''t started cooking dinner yet, so don''t expect anything too fancy, Lord Hero¡» ¡ºNonsense! Anything made by a flower of such angelic womanly charm and beauty is absolutely guaranteed to taste heavenly!¡» ¡º...Extra layer of super strong mustard for flirty Lord Hero who thinks it''s okay to play with a woman''s feelings it is¡» Jessica Velmitrane, high-ranking HAIAI operative assigned to manage Hero Dormitory - 28 years old, cheerful workaholic, not married, no boyfriend, has a tentacle tree as a pet, and formidable cooking skills. Her dryad blood allows her to naturally manipulate organic matter, including ingredients, which makes her food taste great and provide a lot of useful stat-increasing benefits. When she''s not busy cooking and tidying up Hero Dorm, she spends her time trying - in vain - to keep the bickering within whiny kindergarten known as Hero Party at the reasonable level. Insane Big Sister vibes, sound mind, combat training, exotic half-dryad beauty and a sense of humor to top it off. Plus, her powers grant her the ability do some more stuff that is very-very useful, but we have to get to know her better before she decides to reveal that fact. A lot, lot better. Yes Now, it''s time for the most important question! Which one is a bigger secret - the fact that Jess is a HAIAI operative or what she''s using her pet tentacle tree for during her free time? The answer may surprise you ¡ºHere you go, Lord Hero! A plate of Special Stamina Boosting Sandwiches to keep your Hero Spirit high all day long!¡» ¡ºHmm, splendid. Do they have a passionate love of an underappreciated hard-working maiden as a secret ingredient in them?¡» ¡ºNot sure about love, but I do feel like they could use some more mustard¡» ¡ºLet''s dig in and find out!!¡» *munch* *munch* *munch* ¡º...¡» *munch* *munch* *munch* *munch* *munch* *munch* ¡ºMy, someone sure is hungry, huh?¡» *munch* *munch* *munch* *munch* *munch* *munch* *munch* *munch* *munch* ¡º...Should I make some more?¡» ¡ºPhew, that''s quite enough. Thank you, Generous Maiden of the Dorm! Your splendid feast has grabbed my stomach and your sincere feelings have pierced my heart! I cannot contain my love for you any longer - will you marry me?¡» ¡º*twitch* Another serving of Special Stamina Boosting Sandwiches with Triple Amount of Soul-Crushingly Powerful Mustard, coming right up!¡» ¡ºMy adoration for you has filled my meal with enough spice already. Also, can you stop emitting your blood lust for a second - it just makes you look even sexier, which I thought simply wasn''t possible, and I fall deeper and deeper in love, Jess¡» ¡º...*sigh* Lord Hero is a womanizer, so it seems¡» ¡ºIsn''t it, like, major Heroic Trait that shared amongst all generations? Remember the size of the harem Second one had?¡» ¡ºThird Hero is the one you''re probably thinking of. Second Hero was... a little bit more reserved in that regard. A little bit¡» ¡ºRight-right, it was Second who was the boring one! Wait, which one was the idiot that run off into a Noob Dungeon on his day of enrollment and got his hand sliced off by a small fry?¡» ¡º...I think it was the current one, Lord Hero¡» ¡ºReally? Sounds like a total moron, if you ask me. Is Kaladerra gonna be alright with such a dimwit saving it?¡» ¡ºI''m glad to know that we share the same concern about the future of this world, Troy. Being young and reckless sure fits the image of True Hero, but please keep in mind that a lot of lives depend on your decisions. Including your life as well¡» ¡ºNah, don''t sweat it! We all know that Hero never dies - until it''s time for a final showdown, at least¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºNow, come on! Please don''t make this gloomy expression ruing your beautiful face! Admiring its lovely features has provided me with even more hopeful energy than your tasty sandwiches!¡» ¡º...Definitely a womanizer. *mumble* Why wasn''t that in the file?..¡» ¡ºAnyway, throwing myself into unwinnable fights is my job as Hero! And my job as Lord of this mansion is to ensure the happiness of all its inhabitants, staring with Beautiful Maiden of the Dorm, of course. I''m gonna take a walk and see if I can come up with some genius idea of how to do so!¡» ¡ºWait, what about the Academy?¡» ¡ºWhat about it, I wonder? Hmmm, personally, I think it''s uniform is a little bit outdated, but we can leave my helpful suggestions on how to improve University''s fashion for another time. Hero, out!!¡» ¡º*mumble* A womanizer and a delinquent... That would require some... adjustments¡» From her calling me "Lord Hero" I can conclude that my escapades with Elven Cunt from yesterday morning might become a running joke, which is fine by me. As I said before - Jess is alright
¡ºI shall follow you, Young Master¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºI shall follow you, Young Master¡» No use, huh? And I''m putting on my best puzzled expression as well. Still, it''s understandable that Rindo wants to tag along, since her favorite toy was almost broken yesterday. Or maybe she is actually worried about her bodyguard score dropping, who knows? During my pleasant conversation with our lovely Dorm Mommy Rindo kept her distance, since she doesn''t like Jess very much - her being from HAIAI and all. Wait, is it my imagination, or my maid''s hair seems to be a little wet? Apparently, Rindo did actually take another shower in the meantime, huh. Quirky Regardless, she''s not going to get in the way of what I''m about to do, so there''s no specific reason for me to try and ditch her - I just felt a sudden urge to fuck with Rindo a little. But now that I think about it, bringing her along might be even better - she hates that event for some reason, so let''s just go. We just need to walk along the coastline for about an hour to reach our destination, so it''s not going to be a very long trip
There it is, a small unkempt park overlooking the sea from the top of a hill. Nothing much happens in this location, but I remember repeatedly coming here for no reason during my previous loops. At the far end of it, there should be a bench facing the coast, which happens to be one of great many mysteries of the Eternal City - if you sit on it, you can sometimes hear a whisper of a young woman calling out to someone, or so the legend says. That tourist attraction is where we are going ¡ºI''m aware that you are desperate for any interaction with the opposite sex, Young Master, but bringing your own maid on a date is a bit pitiful even for you¡» ¡ºI just consider it a practice run for a real thing. You know it''s common sense to use shitty materials for your starting handicraft projects in order to save the good stuff for when your skill''s high enough? Same thing. So, how would your score my taste in dating spots?¡» ¡ºI think your boring and unimaginative nature was really put on display with this choice, Young Master¡» ¡ºTrue, this place seems to be lacking in terms of proper romantic atmosphere. See, some progress has been made already! Imagine how awkward it would be if I came here with a girl I actually care about? Hmm, quite a pickle. Wait, I know! How about I put on a little magic show with... this!¡» ¡º...Did you decide to add collecting trash to your already innumerous repulsive habits, Young Master?¡» ¡ºHey, one man''s trash is another man''s treasure! And this treasure I''ve got from behind the Lovers'' Gate, so the magic it can do is guaranteed to be something romantical! Just watch!¡» ¡º...¡» It''s true, actually - this small pendant I''m currently holding in my hand is a treasure I''ve got from my recent dive into the Noob Dungeon. Or should I say - the main treasure I''ve got from it? True, on its own, this locket is completely useless, but if you place it on this bench, then... well, as I said, just watch See, the transparent silhouette of a woman appeared nearby. She looks at the locket for a few moments, then she looks at me, and it seems like she''s smiling. She brings her arms to her chest, looks at the locket briefly again, and then she keeps looking at me for way longer than the first time. I hear something resembling a happy laughter, barely visible warm light envelops me for a second, and then the silhouette disappears, along with the pendant >> SPELL ACQUIRED : Spark of Promise (unique) ... Can you imagine my excitement when I got this spell for the first time? Finally, a real spell!! I can use some proper magic too! Nostalgic... ... I think the lady we just saw was waiting for the dude who''s tomb I raided yesterday - long enough for her to stop being alive, but not long enough for the remnants of her Seed to give up and go to the stars, or wherever it is they are supposed to be going.When we brought her this pendant, she probably recognized it and was finally able to find peace - and then she gave me this unique spell as a thank you gift. The name of the spell has something to do with the promise they made to each other, I guess. Hey, it does actually sound a little bit romantic, huh? If you bring the helmet here, it does nothing, by the way. I tried The spell itself is a thaumaturgical type, doesn''t require a memory space and costs 1 unit of mana to use. Basically, it creates a ball of soft light that you can''t even move around, so it just floats there for a while and then disappear unless you apply more mana. Amazing stuff, I know! It does, however, have its uses. Or at least one very particular use - but for that, we need to return to the dormitory ¡ºHow was my magic trick, Rindo?¡» ¡º...I didn''t like it¡» ¡ºYeah, kind of a downer, wasn''t it? Well, this practice date is officially a total failure, so let''s go back!¡» ¡º...¡»
Well, would you look at that! Jess is busy doing something right by the entrance of the dorm. What a splendid timing! And a total coincidence, of course. It''s not like she was waiting for me to return because she found my eccentric behavior a little bit unnerving or anything. That would be foolish, since Hope of Kaladerra always prevails - through all the enemies and all the battles and all the mental breakdowns, against every existential crisis and any other shit of boring variety ... One of the few kind souls that genuinely cares about an expendable freak. Should I marry her for real? Romantic atmosphere intensifies Anyway, I was about to bring her along for my next step, so this works perfectly for me. Better to let Jess deal with those idiots from the Guild and HAIAI - they''re going to know about this thing very soon, and then they want to pester someone for an explanation. Jessica Velmitrane, as of this moment, you have been chosen as my Unbreakable Shield against a Mindless Blob of Evil Bureaucracy. Protect me well, Jess! ¡ºRejoice, oh Beautiful Maiden of the Dorm!! I just had a splendid epiphany during my dignified stroll - we must renovate my mansion immediately, and I have chosen Hero Shrine as a starting point of this brilliant project! Lead the way, Jess!¡» ¡ºYou''re not going to cover historical monument with some weird graffiti, are you?¡» ¡ºWhat unexpected treachery is this - for you to doubt my outstanding sense of beauty so?! Don''t worry, I have something better in mind - I promise, you''re gonna love it. Eventually¡» ¡º...When you say "don''t worry", why do I feel like I should worry even more?¡» ¡ºBecause your wisdom is the only thing that can rival your womanly charms, Jess. Anyway, let''s go! You coming, Rindo?¡» ¡ºI have no desire to observe that gaudy monstrosity, Young Master¡» ¡ºFair enough¡» Yeah, Rindo doesn''t like Jess, Rindo doesn''t like the pendant, Rindo doesn''t like the spell, and Rindo doesn''t like the place we''re about to visit. Rindo hates a lot of stuff, actually, and sometimes for no particular reason. Not me, though - she doesn''t really hates me She just enjoys watching me suffer
Man, this mansion is a fucking maze. Good thing I know the layout by heart from my previous loops - otherwise, I had to actually rely on Jess to find the correct location. She''s probably the only person that can reliably navigate through this uselessly huge labyrinth. Except me, of course - but I''m cheating First Hero was jumping all over the world during Great Collapse, but his base of operations remained in Vitalberia until the very end. He liked it here so much that at some point, he decided to build a house for himself and his crew - big-ass one story mansion made of wood and paper, of all things. Some say that First Hero was impressed by the culture of the western continent, but others doubt that he even knew what "culture" meant. There''re also those who are having trouble imagining First Hero building anything, so the story is a bit hazy. All its quirks aside, it''s a pretty solid real estate - lots of living space, giant garden attached, open air hot bath and a seaside view. Also, mountains of junk that all its inhabitants found to be curious during their travels across the planet, and brought back here to stash all over the mansion You see, when Second Hero came around, as with every single fucking thing that involves Heroes, it became a tradition for all Heroic reincarnations to move into this house together with their whole crew after all of them - including the Maid - enroll into the University of Liberal Combat Arts, so this lovenest naturally became known as Hero Dormitory. Nobody except Hero Party is allowed to live here, so in between Impacts, this dorm is being preserved as a cultural heritage. In addition to the mansion itself having some sentimental value, all the oddities that Heroes collected during their time turn this place into an actual museum Some of this junk is totally useless, some - a little less so. The exhibit that is of a particular interest to us right now is Hero Shrine - huge stone statue in a fairly remote room that shows a man and a woman sitting on a ground leaning on each other, with woman''s head on a man''s shoulder. It is generally assumed that statue depicts Original Hero and Original Saint - you know, those from ancient times nobody knows anything about - but it isn''t based on anything. The most solid argument in favor of that assumption is "Who else could it be?" There it is, by the way - it took a minute, but we have finally arrived ... Every time I look at this statue, I''m reminded that all Heroes before me seem to like it a lot as well. I can definitely relate to that - it''s quite peaceful here, like a long-awaited moment of calmness after a never-ending storm. Although, this odd yet soothing feeling of familiarity - like I''m about to remember something really important to me - I would honestly like to discard at the moment. I mean, I have enough weird memories to deal with as it is, already The headache is getting a little bit less severe, though, so I''ll take it as a sign of good fortune. Anyway, I don''t think it''s going to be that big of a reveal when I say we are going to use that spell I just got in front of this statue, so I''ll skip all the dramatic build-up >> Spark of Promise << *vroom* *vroom* *clang* *clang* ¡ºW-what is happening?!¡» Silly question really. The giant statue is moving backwards on its own, revealing a set of stairs that go underground for about two dozen steps, before reaching a doorway covered in a wall of thick silver fog. What else can possibly be happening, Jess? ¡ºJess, you probably should inform Lord Rector and the Guild that a new dungeon has just been discovered under Hero Dormitory. As the Lord of this Domain, it is my duty to explore this new anomaly and assess the level of threat it represents. Basically, I''m just gonna go and take a sneak peek, so wish me luck!¡» ¡ºHey, wait, I don''t think... You can''t just... How did you even... We don''t really know what''s down there!¡» Let''s agree to disagree, Jess. I know exactly what''s down there My own private dungeon that nobody except me can enter ¡ºDamn it... Good luck, Troy!¡» Did I ever tell you that Jess is alright?
Now Loading......... S1E6 - Despite concealing as Im feeling S1E6 - Despite concealing as I''m feeling
Panacea Full recovery from absolutely anything "After Merciful Goddess was done building this world, she took a brief moment of respite - and in her dreams, she saw all the endless suffering and horror that will befall her new creation in the future. So deep was her sorrow over the fate awaiting her beloved children, that she could not hold back her tears upon awakening. Droplets filled with most compassion possessed the capacity to alleviate all the pain in the world, and are preserved throughout the ages as priceless treasures. The rest of them formed the World Ocean that whispers words of comfort with its endless tidal waves"
Behold - my Ultra-Glorious Super-Exclusive Mega-VIP Can-I-See-Your-Invitation-Please Obligatory-Dress-Code Extra-Special Hero''s Personal Ultimate Dungeon! Ta-da!! Well, actually, we will have to go through this boring, dark, long fucking corridor and reach the main part first - and then you can behold away all you want. This kind of entrance might not seem very grandiose, but let''s not forget the importance of building up a suspense to the craft of proper showmanship. Also, this walkway has a little bit more going on for it beside boring the living shit out of me - but we can worry about that later Anyway, we''re finally through, so - what do you think after taking a proper look? To me, it looks like the insides of a giant well - or an empty tower - with its walls being riddled with countless archways, doors, windows, balconies, galleries, all while stretching to the infinity towards both directions. Up - trying to reach uncertain source of a pale light illuminating the place, and down - diving into what seems like a bottomless pit of darkness. Pretty nifty optical illusion - I can''t say for sure how far upwards this whole thing goes, but I do know for the fact that this glorified dry water well does, indeed, have a bottom. Sort of. And that sort of exactly where we''re going right now through this wide set of stairs spiraling around the inner walls of this structure. Watch your steps, they decided to save on the railings Regardless, I like what they''ve done with the place overall - monochrome esthetics, muffled sounds, silver-shaded walls that resemble in color the outside part of the dungeon anomalies, glittering dust floating through the air, cold vague light seamlessly transforming into warm definitive darkness. It all really emphasizes the strength of character, the mysterious dignity and the boundless stoicism of both this place and, most of all, its rightful owner - which is me. So, good job, unknown creators of this fancy private club - you know me well! If you look to your right, you will see doors, doors, doors, doors, and then even more doors. You better hold back your complains about seeming redundancy, because this design choice has a surprising twist to it - some of those doors actually do open. I know, what a shocker! And after they open, they lead to some interesting places with some interesting stuff - can it get any better than that? Plus, non-decorative doors usually have a distinct look to them, so they a pretty easy to find - like this one, for exa... Hm. Hmmmmmm? ... There was a door here. It''s... gone? I mean, I didn''t discover this dungeon during every single run, but during the ones that I did, this door was always here. Hmmm. The only difference - beside the obvious one - that comes to mind is that I usually arrive here much later and... Wait, is that it? The door doesn''t appear until I grab that shiny stick and get recognized as proper Hero, really? Interesting. Oh well, nothing behind it that we can''t just as well grab sometime later, so let''s get on with the tour If you look to your left you... won''t actually see our destination below, but I can assure you - it''s there. Don''t worry, even though our descent might seem infinite, we can''t exactly get lost - there''s only one way, so we are certain to reach to where we''re going. Eventually. Veeeeeery eventually So, let''s take this opportunity to learn more about this mysterious locale we are currently exploring. This dungeon is.. how do I say it? You know how all dungeons are very-very weird? Well, this one is very-very weird compared to the rest of them - that should, theoretically, make it normal, but I don''t think it''s really an appropriate word to describe what''s going on here. First things first - I''m the only one who can enter this anomaly. Nobody else can pass through the fog wall, despite there being no shortage of attempts to try and do so. The Guild and Librarians are going to bang their heads against this problem with enviable persistency, but all they will get as a result is an agreement that if I want to cash in what I''ve found here, I''ll sell it only to the Guild. I''m legally obligated to do it anyway, but that won''t stop them from reminding me about our "exclusive contract" at every single fucking opportunity Most of the stuff I get from this place I don''t sell anyway - it''s surprisingly useful, including consumables. Especially consumables, actually - with my shitty stats, I need every single possible boost available, so I usually end up using it myself, provided I don''t share it with my teammates, which I opt to do more often than I should. What can I say - I''m selfless, compassionate and kind fuck, as every Hero is supposed to be. Hmph! And there''s not a lot of Power Gems to sell, reason (probably) being that, as far as I know, this dungeon doesn''t reach Hell. I don''t know if it''s not deep enough to do so, or it doesn''t want to, like, conform with the crowd and trying to, like, do its own thing, man. Maybe the reason is something else entirely, but those precious crystals don''t occur here in a natural way like in any other regular dungeon, and the ones that do appear are usually super expensive and stashed away in some corner, like a proper treasure, guarded by something - or someone Which brings us to the next point - inhabitants. I don''t know by what means all those beasts manage to sneak their way into "normal" dungeon, but whatever it is, it doesn''t seem to work in this one - so my personal diving palace isn''t exactly crawling with hungry animals trying to reach the lowest floor while attacking everything on sight at the same time. Works for me, since I can''t bring my whole team with me here, and fighting my way through the proper dungeon on my own, well... You saw my fight against Flailing Mantis, right - imagine me battling against five of those dipshits at the same time, which is a regular occurrence in the normal circumstances. It''s not like I get that much stronger after I level up a bunch and get that stupid sword - well, I do a little bit, but... I don''t wanna talk about it. Happy thoughts, come So, instead of usual dungeon zoo, the denizens of my private playground provide an entertainment of a different kind - there''s a shit ton of extinct legendary creatures all over the place, so insanely strong that we wouldn''t probably stand a chance against them even with the whole crew combined. Luckily, not all of them attack on sight, presenting some sort of a quiz, a game, or a survey that you have to clear in order to pass through, instead. Those who do attack also require some form of gimmick in order to bypass them or put them out of commission. Plus there are secret doors, riddle rooms, trapped passages, code sequences, cryptic passwords, confusing situations - the whole entertainment experience. To solve most of it, you either required to bring something along with you from the real world - or to get some vague hint from some obscure source on the surface Yes, it does require running across Kaladerra, exploring some long-forgotten ruins, and defeating some strong enemies - but it''s usually worth all that effort. This dungeon is a treasure trove - artifacts that are impossible to find, consumables that are impossible to recreate, weird things that are impossible to identify. For example, have you ever heard of Panacea? Legendary elixir that''s supposedly made from the tears of Goddes herself, it is rumored to have the ability to cure absolutely fucking everything. Curse, disease, injury, broken heart, social anxiety, mid-life crisis, unwarranted self-importance - as long as you''re alive, it will instantly recover you to full health, no problem. So rare, it''s considered to be no more than a myth nowadays, but since I''ve used it on several occasions, I can vouch for both its existence and efficiency. Really good shit Several of them are actually in this dungeon, and I hope to very soon grab the one that''s easiest to get. You see, I have a small pebble on a road to my happy Heroic Retirement - this blob of intrusive memories is giving me a headache. Literally. Don''t worry, it''s nothing major - but you can''t expect me to fully enjoy my easy-going vacation while simultaneously trying to deal with this never-ending head-fucking-splitting noise in my brain. So, I decided that it would probably be a good idea to pop some magic pills first, just to clear my mind and make it ready to focus on the most important task - working out the details of my Hero Retirement Uninterrupted Plan Initially, I thought it was going to take a while before I could enter this dungeon, but unexpected generosity of that sly fox gave me the access to all the ingredients required for me to cook some delicious "getting into an endgame location super early" stew. Hey, good job, old hag - being "alright" is still just a pipe dream for you at this point, but if you keep being useful like that, then who knows Meanwhile, we''ve completed our descent in a pretty anti-climactic fashion - partly because there''s nothing much to look at here. The stairs just abruptly end, giving us the opportunity to explore all the wonders this big empty round hall without a ceiling has to offer - which are not many, but there are some. For starters, while the walls follow the same door extravaganza philosophy as the rest of the building, the floor decided to go full organic and cover itself with countless densely packed tree roots - they come from a big hole in the middle and spread across the entire floor, forming a mostly even surface. Shut up, I didn''t lie - it is actually a bottom floor, this wooden vagina doesn''t actually go anywhere. Well, it kind of does, but only if you take it out for dinner and buy it a present first - all that, just to be totally disappointed anyway. Instead, let''s focus on another distinct feature of this area, the one that manages to combine a visual appeal with being properly useful Giant statue of a naked woman sitting on a floor by the wall directly opposite of the stairs we just came down from. With her arms and head resting on her knees, this stone lady gives off quite a melancholic feeling - but this pose provides us with an easier way to get closer to her left boob. For strictly scientific purposes, of course. Roots near her left thigh rise up a little, so we can use them to climb onto the leg an then, if we stand oh her stomach and look up, we can see that her left nipple, hanging directly above our heads close enough to reach with our hands, is actually a dial. I spare you the details on all the complex math that was required to figure out the four-digit sequence, so let''s get to rotating this thing at once 1-2-3-4 I feel like I should make some comment about obvious security concerns - along with the lack of creativity - this choice of password represents, but I''d rather refrain. First of all, I''m pretty sure it suppose to be a date in some obscure ancient calendar - and second, we need to get the fuck away from this bloody thing, because it will start to move any second now. What is with this dungeon and moving statues anyway? *rumble* *rumble* *rumble* *rumble* *spreeeeeeeead* *seductive smile* Now that she sits leaning back and revealing her face, you can notice a curious illusion that changes the way this woman looks every time you get your eyes off of her - cycling through recognizable features of all kaladerrian sentient races, and then adding some not-so familiar ones. Sometimes she''s a siren, sometimes - a bunny, other times she appears to be an ork, an elf, an ant, or a human - the rest of her body follows suit and changes shape as well, making it a great way to prevent the design of your living room from going stale, provided it''s big enough to fit this huge thing. But shifting racial identity of this lady aside, let''s focus on the most important part - it is, of course, located between her legs, that are now spread widely in a quite alluring pose. Again, scientific purposes, what else You see, her cave of wonders is hidden behind a locked door - probably trying to present some on the nose commentary about general dynamics of inter-sexual relationships, no doubt. My guts tell me that I should consider myself very lucky, because the key this particular door requires isn''t metaphorical one - it''s an actual physical key which I also happen to have already >> Trusty key (weird shape makes it untrustworthy) << This one, in case you''ve forgotten. Now, open the door, go through a tunnel and enter into a luxurious lounge garnished with red. Ignore the creep behind a bar counter on the left, proceed towards a red leather sofa on the right, and to the exotic potted plant behind it next. What we''re looking for is inside this pot ¡ºWelcome to the Palace of *snort* Love, brother - a welcoming place of respite to all the valiant *snort* knights on their quest to find true beauty!! *snoooort* Can I interest you in some *snort* tasty beverages, to keep your throat from getting dry while you *snort* share with me some exciting tales of your *snort* romantic conquest?¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºCare to *snort* partake some of the numerous other entertainments our *snort* esteemed establishment has to offer?¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºMaybe I can *snort* interest you in some secret rumors that can provide you with the hints leading to your *snort* new adventure?¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...You''re being petty *snort* rude now, brother. I don''t think that''s a proper way for a Knight of True *snort* Beauty to behave, considering...¡» ¡ºWill you shut the fuck up and give me one Panacea to go, creep!¡» ¡ºI''m afraid this *snort* item isn''t on the menu, brother¡» ¡ºI figured this place was a fucking dump! Never mind then, I just remembered that I brought one with me just in case - here it is!¡» ¡º...You *snort* know that''s mine, right, brother?¡» ¡ºSays who? I just found it, so it rightfully belongs to me now! Mwahahaha, behold - my super legendary loot!! Feeling jealous, you stupid creep?¡» ¡º*snooort* What gives you the idea that you can rummage through other people''s stuff and then claim it as your own?!¡» Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website. ¡ºThe fact that this other people''s stuff you speak of is located right in the middle of a fucking dungeon gives me that idea. Now, I prefer to enjoy my drinks in a good company of some peace and quiet, so keep it down for me, will you?¡» ¡ºOutrageous!! Simply *snort* outrageous!! Palace of *snort* Love will not tolerate such barbaric acts within its *snort* sacred walls!!¡» ¡ºYeah, what are you gonna do, then? Not invite me back?¡» ¡º...I didn''t invite you here in the first place *snort*¡» ¡ºCheers to your generous hospitality, creep!¡» Come on, celestial mommy - I trust your tears to do your alleged baby son a solid! Bottoms up! *glug* *glug* *glug* *burp* Now, the effect should be almost instantaneous in most cases, but I never tried using it to deal with something like this before, so... ... ... ... Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!! That. Is. Nice. And quiet. It was only two days, but I''ve already forgotten what not having a noisy mind feels like. Very, very, very good, apparently. Now, this leather couch looks extremely comfy for some reason, so I hope you will excuse me - I''m going to laze around for a bit and enjoy my head being fixed ¡ºWell, just *snort* make yourself at home, why don''t you, brother!¡» ¡ºI think I will. Thanks for offering, brother¡» ¡º...¡»
... ... ...
No, wait Is it really a good time for this? The world is ending, what am I doing running around dungeons and gathering strange things? I... I need to do something, quick! Quick!! But what do I do? I''m not strong enough, and I know now that I will never be. Not to the point to make any difference. I should tell someone! I should tell everyone, right now! Will they believe me? They should, they must! And after that we can... we can... No, wait Even together, we have no chance! Too strong, too many! The Demon King... I remember fighting... what was she saying?... Why does Rindo know about this?... And the power, so much power! Enough to get drunk, but what a terrible price... No, wait The girls, the girls! I should warn them, I should convince them! Please, listen to me at least once! We shouldn''t split, you shouldn''t go, I will not make it in time! Stop being so stubborn! Why would I need all this strength if I can''t even... I don''t want this, not like this! No, wait The rest of you! Stop this selfish nonsense! How can you do it now, of all times! The fate of the world is hanging on a balance and you all just.. just.. how can you even... what is wrong with you?! No, wait The moon! The moon! It''s going to fall! And then the angels... we are supposed to be on the same side! We should just blast it out of the sky before it happens! I will go and talk to scientists, they can find a way to do that! No, wait The stars! There are so many stars! How can we blast every single one of them? Maybe we build some sort of shield instead! Cover the whole planet! But why is the Tree even... was she calling them? What do you mean, "back"? Are those... us? No, wait North pole, north pole! It''s erupting! Fire, fire, fire is everywhere! Dragons, I didn''t know there were so many left! Should we hunt them down now? But what about her, what can we do? Those wings, they cover the sky... No, wait The whole ocean is frozen! The Spring... what is that thing? Is it a flower? It''s so quiet, but the song never ends! Is there a way to drain the ocean? What about the creatures... No, wait The swarm, it''s endless! It consumes everything! Corrosion and rust, everywhere! They look like... elves, who did this to them? It''s coming from the Island, how hard it is to wipe it completely? We can move the elves somewhere and... No, wait What sort of creature is this? Stop talking with so many different voices! Stop being in all places at the same time! How can we find it, it''s everywhere and... nowhere? Does it even exist... No, wait This Floodgate is too big, they are coming in too fast! Who are they? The next... what do you mean? No, it''s our world, not yours! We failed? Failed at what? Stop pretending to know us, you are nothing like... No, wait The planet is... unfolding! What? How? So it''s true, in the beginning, it was... I should tell everyone that... that... No, wait What''s the point in knowing that? All they want is to live their lives! Who wouldn''t? They don''t need any of this, I just have to do my best to protect them. All of them. So many of them... There are so, so many of them... And they all are going to die... ... They''re all gonna die!! Do you understand?! Every single one of them!! Everyone!! THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE!!! THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE THEY ARE ALL GONNA DIE ... They are all going to die And it''s my fault I... what am I? Why am I the way that I am? What use does the world have for such a pathetic hero? They have nobody else to rely on, so why did I fail so miserably? Nobody else can even hope to do something about all of this, so why couldn''t I? There''s nobody left to put the blame, so why am I still alive? I should join all those I''ve failed to save I can''t do anything anyway I can''t even die properly I can''t... ... My head... It hurts... Please, stop... ... ... ... ¡ºGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!¡»
... ... ...
...I mean, fucking legendary drugs, am I right? I was tripping my bollocks off, mate, what even is this? Mother, by the looks of it, I think your tears went pretty fucking sour! And who''s the fucking twat that forgot to slap a sticker with an expiration date on the bloody thing anyway? Criminal, absolutely fucking criminal! I was looking to have my head fixed, not to do some silly self-reflection session on a shitty couch in a middle of a sex dungeon like a stupid cunt! Refund, mate, I need a refund ¡º*s-snort* You shouldn''t suddenly scream like that, brother! I know a lot of *snort* ladies say they prefer a man to be in touch with his emotions, but let me tell you this - it''s all just a *snort* trick to make you act like a little bitch so that they can *snort* make fun of you later¡» ¡ºYour advice is duly noted, you absolute fucking bellend. Now, if you don''t mind¡» ¡ºHey, he''s gone... What was all of this *snort* about, anyway?¡» Let''s storm out of this place and go sit on the edge of this root-producing hole for a while. Every Hero needs some solitude to properly contemplate his (extremely rare) failures from time to time. It''s our special Heroic thing, don''t try too hard if it seems difficult to relate
>> Spark of Promise << Well, that was exciting, if anything >> Spark of Promise << I can try another one, but they all probably went sour as well. Just a gut feeling - another special Hero thing, you know >> Spark of Promise << Good new, I''m not tripping and being fucking hysterical anymore >> Spark of Promise << Not so good news - the headache is back alright. With the vengeance >> Spark of Promise << This whole plan was pretty silly, which is not very surprising - I was the one who came up with it >> Spark of Promise << Irrational side of magical drug seeking behavior really came into a full view in this one, huh? >> Spark of Promise << ... >> Spark of Promise << ...Can I just sit here quietly and stare into this hole until the world ends, I wonder? >> Spark of Promise << ... >> Spark of Promise << Nah, I''m not going to do it. I mean, physically, I probably could, if I wanted to - but I will not want to in a minute. Another annoying trait of Heroic occupation - we can''t even get depressed like normal people. There''s this never-ending swirling up our asses that we all share, and it forces us to spring back on our feet and run straight into action again - ignoring all our failures and all the obstacles in our path. Fuck! >> Spark of Promise << You see, I''m already thinking that this unexpected hiccup with a wonder drug can be considered as me taking shit from someone. I''m not sure who that someone might be, but a shit of unknown origin smells just as bad, in my opinion >> ST-counter is worried that it''s personal hygiene is being threatened We can have that, little buddy! Wait a bit, I''m going to come up with some plan B right away! Panaceas-shmanaceas - who gives a fuck? I''m in a dungeon full of some really crazy shit, my brilliant wit can easily piece together a workaround from all this junk! >> FG-counter is rooting for you Woah, Heroic Determination MAX!! Come on, I need some proper spark of inspiration!! >> Spark of Promise << ... >> Spark of Promise << ... >> Spark of Promise << OK, I think I got this! First order of business - we jump into this hole right here
Now Loading......... S1E7 - Waste of time, but Im doing fine S1E7 - Waste of time, but I''m doing fine
And so Goddess looked upon her new creation in delight, and Life-Giving Tree grew splendidly, as intended, And soon its mighty branches were filled with glorious harvest. So brimming with vigor those fruits were, And when it was time for them to ripen, they fell on the ground, and burst with power, and grew stronger still And through that power came understanding of the design of their creator, and they took shape according to it And from this shape came forth First of Humankind, and they fell on their knees, and they said Praise be the Goddess, for she gave us form, and she gave us purpose The world is created for us, and we are no guests to these lands of our own The future is given to us, so we grow in strength, as reach it we should The warm embrace is waiting for us, driving away our fears of the end And look - Life-Giving Tree bear more fruits still And we can nourish ourselves, and thrive, and grow without tedious effort and suffering Book of Light
¡ºWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!¡» *fly* *rotate* *SMACK!* ¡º63! Hurts like a motherfucker!!¡» *run up* *jump* *faaaaaaaaaaall* ¡ºTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI!!¡» *fly* *rotate* *SMACK!* ¡º64! Five more to go!!¡» *run up* *jump* *faaaaaaaaaaall* Hello, everyone, it''s been a minute! As you can see, I''m currently very busy trying to fall down that root-covered hole, with zero results to show for it. Well, I did say before that this splinter-inducing vagina doesn''t really go anywhere, didn''t I - you just fall through the darkness for a little while, and then you see a light below you, which just happens to be another hole. You fly through it, and what do you know - it''s actually the very same hole you just jumped through, only you''re flying upwards this time. At least for a little while, because very soon... *fly* *rotate* *SMACK!* ...This happens. Yeah, as soon as gravity realizes that there''s something iffy going on, it decides to put a stop to all this nonsense, rotates you mid-air and slams you into the ground at the edge of the hole. Very pleasant experience, as you can imagine. Anyway, that''s jump 65, so let''s just bear through it for a bit longer *run up* *jump* *faaaaaaaaaaall* ¡ºMWAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!¡» *fly* *rotate* *SMACK!* 66, just three more!! Of course, there''s something more going on here, and you can actually fall through properly - you just need to use a very specific method. It involves a very special item from a very special place, difficult to get in the first place - and after you use it, you have to perform a series of acrobatic stunts on top of it. The end result is beyond disappointing anyway, so I really wish to say that we don''t have to do any of it right now, but - amidst all this bullshit, there''s a useful item that can save me some grinding time, which means I''ll at least make an attempt, probably *run up* *jump* *faaaaaaaaaaall* ¡ºBULLSHIT TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!!¡» *fly* *rotate* *SMACK!* 67-fuck-this-shit!! There''s no way to acquire the necessary item, but I have a rough idea of what to do, so maybe it''s not as necessary as it thinks it is. No promises, but my gut feeling is tingling - and it does it for no reason very-very rarely. Not never, sure, but what can you do? *run up* *jump* *faaaaaaaaaaall* ¡ºFUCK! YOU! BICHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!¡» *fly* *rotate* *SMACK!* 68, I really hope I didn''t forget how to count! Can''t be off by more than one or two jumps, but this is exhausting with or without my stamina being laughably low. Proficiency in basic numerical operations, don''t fail me now! *run up* *jump* *faaaaaaaaaaall* ¡ºMATH PAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!¡» *fly* *rotate* *SMACK!* >> TITLE ACQUIRED : Moron >> Persistent actions that fail to bear fruit place a lesser toll on you ¡ºFuck yeah, I''m an arithmetical genius!!¡» My very first title ACQUIRED! And a very fitting one at that - I don''t know about you, but I find it really speaking to me on a spiritual level. Persistent actions that don''t bear any fruit, huh? Story of my life, if I ever heard one. Also, this particular phrasing gives me some interesting ideas for later Regardless, if you perform a certain outstanding feat, or just live your life a certain way, it will change something in you - sometimes, on a pretty fundamental level. General flow of soma within yourself, efficiency of certain actions, your relationships with time, space, and probability - list goes on, but what basically gets affected is something you might as well call "destiny". Usually, the change is beneficial, so it can be considered a form of leveling up without, you know, actually leveling up - pretty useful stuff all around, but not very easy to ACQUIRE Known titles are collected into a database, so whenever an appropriate change occurs, your PLUM can just cross-reference it and present you with a detailed description. If it is something that''s never been encountered before - well, your link-providing familiar just scans you really-really hard and tries to come up with something on the spot, to the best of its abilities. Take my new title here, for example - I''m not hundred percent, but it seems to be somewhat unique, with no way of getting it under normal circumstances. I mean, if it wasn''t the case, 95% of the population would have been proud owners of that particular moniker already, causing a great inflation and inevitable collapse of a Moron-Title economy Anyway, this is a good appetizer to a main dish - see that weird looking fruit that crowns a little sprout growing from the roots on a floor a little distance from here? No, it wasn''t here before, yes - it appears after a jump 69 along with the title acquisition, yes - it was the main reason for all that nonsense, no - its gastronomical value has nothing to do with it >> ACQUIRED : Bravefruit [???] *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> BRAVERY : (E) : 11 + 100 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (E) : 111 I present to you - Original Harvest from the Tree of Life! Very hard to find on the surface, despite never spoiling - unlike certain body fluids from a certain celestial mommy that I won''t mention, because I''m a nice person. Considering the effect those fruits provide, the rarity is perfectly understandable, but my ultra-special personal dungeon is a truly magical place, so they are a little easier to come by here. Not by much, but still Also, there''s a seed inside >> ACQUIRED : Seed of Stupidity [???] *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> BRAVERY : (E) + (1) : 111 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (D) : 111 >> INTELLECT : (E) - (1) : 8 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (F) : 8 Not as tasty as the bravefruit itself, but perfectly edible, despite not being very healthy. It''s not poisonous or anything, mind you - seeds of the Original Harvest can - theoretically - be used to grow more superfruits, so anyone attempting to eat those can quickly experience some health problems caused by the rays of love from grateful society that considers these seeds to be some sort of national treasure. If you ask me, society should instead consider putting more efforts into figuring out how to cultivate those fruits properly, because currently, no consistent method exists. Organic branch of the Librarians presents some unimpressive experimental data, and there''s a bunch of sketchy historical records about some shady rituals - all in all, very far away from mass producing those juicy power-ups >> FG-counter didn''t quite get the taste and suggests getting more seeds to savor properly Good idea, little buddy! The chance will present itself soon enough, since we have to get some things from the surface right now, and we will - hopefully - find another fruit along the way. Onward to the stairs!
This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. *pant* *pant* *pant* *wheeze* My stamina is shit. My stamina is shit. My stamina is shit. My stamina is shit *pant* *pant* *pant* *wheeeeeeeeeeeeze*
*wheeze* *wheeze* *wheeze* *wheeze* *wheeze* *wheeze* ...Give me a second to stop dying, and we can proceed through the tunnel we''ve entered the main shaft in the beginning ... Yeah, still alive Anyway, this long corridor, as I believe I already said before, has a little more to it than meets the eye. While walking through it, you may notice - assuming you have high enough perception - that one step sounds a little different from all the rest. If you explore a wall near that place, you can find a secret button that opens a hidden door - and if you have a slight suspicion about whether or not I have sufficient stats for noticing such nuanced stuff, I can assure you that I do not. What I do have is a vague knowledge of where this place supposed to be, so I''m just going to hug the right wall and hope for the best. Wish me luck! ... Wait, the fuck am I doing? I better go finish my business on the surface first, then I can grab what''s behind that secret door on my way back - the last thing I want right now is getting lost in the city or forgetting what I''m doing in the first place. Look at me, thinking ahead for a change - that''s right, baby, I''m a brilliant tactician! Fuck yeah! ¡ºSnick, everything you see here is off limits. No access to anyone¡» That should prevent anybody from learning what I do here by reading memories of my PLUM. No real reason, just in case. Now, where''s the exit?
¡ºWell, that was quick! Did Lord Hero get cold feet, or was there nothing much to look at?¡» ¡ºLotsa stuff. Cool and awesome stuff, too. Blew my mind¡» ¡º...My, sounds exciting. I''d love to hear about this "awesome stuff" in more details, if you don''t mind sharing¡» ¡ºForgot. All of it¡» ¡ºThat''s... regrettable, to say the least. Wait, are you alright?¡» ¡ºFine. I''m fine¡» ¡ºAre you really now? Because you don''t look very alright to me, dear - if anything, you look...¡» ¡ºStupid?¡» ¡º...That''s one way to put it¡» ¡ºTotally fine. Just a phase. Not for long¡» ¡ºMaybe you should try and get some rest, Troy. I heard that it''s easier to just sleep through some, erm, phases¡» ¡ºNo time. Busy¡» Right. Time, dungeon, different. Personal dungeon - especially different, so Jess is still standing here, by the entrance near the statue. For her, it would probably appear as if I''ve entered the fog and then came back almost instantly. For time to progress properly in the real world, some significant stuff has to happen in my dungeon while I''m exploring it. Getting my first title doesn''t qualify, I guess ¡ºLord Hero sure is a busybody all of a sudden. Are you going back there?¡» ¡ºNot now. City first. Then I go back. And I want you to do something¡» ¡ºOh my, orders from Lord Hero himself! I''m getting nervous, you know *giggle*¡» ¡ºCall your boss. This dungeon is about Hero. HAIAI has... they can... They are in charge¡» ¡º...I''m not sure the Guild will see it that way¡» ¡ºGuild can eat a dick. HAIAI will protect the entrance. Don''t let anybody get in my way. World saving stuff¡» ¡ºThey will at least have to do some preliminary investigations, so I''m not entirely sure it would be possible...¡» ¡ºThey can''t. Only I can enter. Details later. Now, one more thing¡» ¡ºLord Hero is a slave-driver, huh?¡» ¡ºFood. Mana recovery. I''ll be back in an hour. Get it ready¡» ¡ºThat... might not be possible, I''m afraid. You already have the stamina buff from sandwiches, so getting another one is...¡» ¡ºExpired. Can get a new one now¡» ¡ºWell, in that case... Wait, expired already?! How long have you been down there, exactly?!¡» ¡ºForgot. Have to go. Trust you with the things. Please¡» ¡º...Should I start calling you Lord Headache from now on?¡» Originally, the Guild would''ve spent the whole week dry-humping the entrance and not letting anyone near it, except for Librarians. That would''ve been fine by me, initially, but since my plans have changed - as I said, they can eat a dick. A bag of dicks, actually. I''m not waiting around with a thumb up my ass for those bellends to make a shocking discovery that they don''t exactly know what to do with this dungeon. And what''s there to know, anyway? Nothing. As in "you will do nothing with this dungeon, because it''s mine". Mine! Mine-mine-mine! Tourists go home. And I go to the train station - let me grab my bag and then we can take a short trip to visit a Black Market
...Lucky for me, everything is automated nowadays. I still managed to forget which station to get off, but that just goes to show that it''s impossible to foolproof everything. Hey, I have a title to defend, alright? Welcome to the famous Gakivalara District - a giant flea market of tech oddities, pervy stuff, pop-culture merch, and underhand dealing. All conveniently located right in the middle of Vitalberia - where else do you hide a place to buy and sell some illegal stuff, if not in the midst of a notorious tourist attraction? Never-ending crowd of weirdos makes for a good cover, plus provide some occasional traffic in addition to your regular customers. And the authorities don''t have to look too hard when they are in the mood for another crime-fighting publicity campaign - so it''s a win-win for almost everyone involved I mean, as long as there are regulations in place that force everything coming from the dungeons to go through the Guild, there are always be individuals trying to bypass those regulations. IDEA knows it, and it doesn''t much care about it - if general flow of Power Gems and artifacts remains undisturbed, then all is good in the kingdom of dungeon diving. Shady guys can even have their funny little secret auctions all they want, provided they keep it in moderation - and to ensure that, the Guild cracks down on them from time to time, just as a friendly reminder of who''s running the show. Smugglers try their best to show complete and total understanding of established hierarchy, IDEA put their hands on some new confiscated toys, public gets reassured about the efficiency of crime-preventing methods - and then it''s back to business as usual for everyone, including smugglers Back (or is it forth) in my days of Heroing, I participated in a few of those crackdowns - just a little PR-stunt orchestrated by HAIAI to help solidify Heroic Image in the collective mind of all the law-abiding citizens. And now we''re going to visit one of the future targets - as soon as I figure out in which seedy-looking alley his cover-up shop is hiding. Is it this one? They all look the same, fuck! Wait, what does that signboard say? >> Tears of Lackremoar << Nice! Before we go in, though ¡ºSnick. Nothing happens in this place. You see nothing, You know nothing¡» A small shop with barely enough space in front of a small counter for two people to squeeze in - and a shifty guy in his early thirties manning it. As all good merchants have to, this one also has some croc blood in him - not enough for the scales and the tail, but enough for the eyes and the teeth. Clifford... Bleszinger, I think ¡ºHello there, pal! Are you looking for something specific, or did you simply get lost?¡» ¡ºYou¡» ¡ºWhat about me? Ah, you''re looking for me, is that it? Now, that sure is very flattering, but there seems to be some sort of a mix up. I''m not someone important enough for people to go looking for me for any reason whatsoever, so you probably got the wrong guy. What''s the name of the fellow you''re trying to find, maybe I can help you out? I know pretty much everyone around here¡» ¡ºCliff¡» ¡º...Can''t say I heard of someone with a name like that. Are you sure you''re in the right place? Who did you hear that name from?¡» ¡ºGzagrin¡» ¡ºDoesn''t ring a bell either. As I told you - you seem to be in a wrong place, pal¡» ¡ºMy PLUM is modified. Same way as yours¡» ¡ºThat''s good to know. Also, not very legal, if true. Is there anything else?¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºNot looking too good there, pal! There''s a nice little park nearby, so why don''t you go and take it easy on a bench there. It''s not that hard to find - you just exit this store and then...¡» Fuck, what was it again? Something like... this? ¡ºA 69. Revvy Eclair. Can kick. An 84. Viewick Lordvessel. Ass. Any day. At least. In a... In a... Fuck¡» ¡º...Alright-alright, kid, you can stop now. Even my head is starting to hurt just by looking at all your efforts. OK, I get it - you''ve been properly introduced, and all that. Now, lets get down to business, shall we? Keep in mind that I don''t have much in stock, so if you want something special, it might take a couple of days to...¡» ¡ºSelling¡» ¡ºLooking to move something, eh? Sure, let''s take a look at what you''ve got, kid¡» ¡ºThis¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºThis¡» ¡º...This day just keeps on giving, huh? Where exactly did you get something like that, kid?¡» ¡ºDoes it matter?¡» ¡ºNo, not really. Just being curious, since... But you''re right, let us talk price instead¡» Well, you can keep being curious, pal, because I''m not in a mood for telling you that I got it from the Noob Dungeon - the third and final treasure from the tomb of whatchamacallit. Wanted to sell it at the IDEA hub at first, but then decided to stash it between my diving gear and take it with me - in case I might need some cash in the future. Seeing how it all played out, I think I will need a tech support to take look at my status and correct some minor spelling mistakes - something''s wrong with how the word "Genius" is spelled in the title category >> Power Gem (Diamond - Extra Large) [ULCA Dungeon] Ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a main reason for all that world-wide dungeon diving fuss - the only known type of inorganic matter that''s capable of storing and condensing magical energy within itself. Those shinies are the essential components of Rechargeable Universal Magical Power supply elements - and RUMPs, in turn, are the essential components of every single magical device, from kitchen ovens to airships. We can''t exactly strap a highly trained mage with big enough mana pool and magic recovery skills to every single piece of magitech junk - that would be totally impractical, since individuals like that are better off spending their time diving into dangerous labyrinths and getting more shinies for our collective benefits. Or die trying to do so, but needs of the many produce enough resolve for society to bravely accept that sacrifice Those needs also dictate the price tags on those power-hungry jewels, which are high enough to encourage those who are not very concerned with improving their rank through contributing to the greater good into joining this death circus for pure monetary reasons. This Extra Large beauty right here weights slightly above 10 kilos, despite being not that much bigger than my palm - a shiny that big would easily land you at the 100K selling price, even for the Power Gem of lowest quality. This one is Diamond grade, though - highest purity grade possible, which means it can be used in a production of Tier 5 RUMPs and automatically shifting its price towards something akin to half a million V-coins, if you''re selling it at the IDEA hub. Don''t forget 30% cut the Guild is going to keep as a membership fee, but even after that, it can be considered a pretty good haul for one dive, even among veterans Here on the Black market, the price will be minimum five times that - and that''s just at the beginning. This item will change hands several times, before finally arriving at the actual buyer, and during this shady process, the price will skyrocket beyond any semblance of modesty. Probably. Not that I would know anything about this whole underground business - I''m Hero, an Ally of Justice, remember? Of course, V-coin transactions are not exactly possible in those types of deals - for obvious reasons, so it''s either cash or barter. Which is fine by me, since I actually am looking for something specific, and I think that trustworthy citizens can help me out with that. Well, he better ¡º10 Desert Coins¡» ¡ºSay what now?¡» ¡º10 Desert Coins¡» ¡º...OK, kid, you''re obviously very new to this, so let me give you a quick lecture on how it all works. First, I need to take it with me to check if it''s genuine...¡» ¡ºNo¡» ¡ºWell, you can''t expect me to just cough up a mil on the spot for a product that I''m not even sure is an actual product...¡» ¡ºIt is¡» ¡ºHow am I supposed to know that? It''s not like I can tell just by simply looking at it...¡» ¡ºYou can¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...Heh, you''re right, kid, I totally can. But even still, 10 seklu is a little bit too steep, don''t you think - not much point in me buying it, if it puts me in the red as a result...¡» ¡ºIt doesn''t. 10 Desert Coins¡» ¡ºWell, sorry, kid, but before making such a considerable investment, I''m going to need a little more solid reassurance that I can make good on it, and a simple...¡» ¡ºYou can double it, easy. 10 Desert Coins¡» ¡ºIs that right? Why don''t you move it yourself, then - if it''s as easy as you say, then you don''t really need me for...¡» ¡ºMaybe I just sell to others¡» ¡ºOther, what others? You''re telling me that you have an army of merchants on your wait list, begging for an opportunity...¡» ¡ºVormak. Farmero. Hroll. Need more?¡» ¡º...Damn, I was really starting to like you, kid - and then you have to go and bring up those greedy assholes. 5 seklu¡» ¡º10¡» ¡ºWhat, do you think I''m one of those snake Pharaohs, or something? That there''s a secret treasure room behind the store, filled with ancient gold coins that went out of productions ages ago? Even those five I don''t have on me, so I will have to borrow it all over the place, which...¡» ¡º10. I believe in you¡» ¡ºAww, please stop, I''m tearing up - it''s that touching! Since you hold me in such high regards, I''m willing to go above and beyond - 7 seklu. Can''t go higher than that, I''m afraid - even if you shake down every single bastard in this dump, you won''t find more than...¡» ¡º15¡» ¡ºLook out, everyone - a genius of commerce is making his first move! Sadly, he''s going in the wrong direction right from the start - you go low, kid. I go high - that''s the usual dynamic in these types of situations. You see, the main goal is for both of us to meet in the middle, so why don''t you try again and...¡» ¡º15 minutes¡» ¡ºWhat''s that now, we''re on the clock all of a sudden? Exciting! Do go on¡» ¡ºI go take it easy on the bench now. I come back in 15 minutes. There is you, with my Desert Coins. Only you. 10 coins. Anything else - the deal is off. I go sell to others. Any questions?¡» ¡º...Just one, really - have you ever considered changing your occupation, kid? Extortion seems like a good fit - you could make full use of your diplomatic finesse and your outstanding ability to reach mutually beneficial compromise. Whatever it is you''re doing now - your talents are wasted¡» ¡ºPractice on you first. Then I think about it¡» ¡ºHa-ha, someone''s got a lip on him! Doesn''t look like he has much strength to back it up, though - but what do I know? Still, I wouldn''t recommend this to be your go-to approach, in case you plan on continuing getting involved with a questionable lot - not all of them are as understanding as I am, and...¡» ¡ºThank you. See you in 15. Good luck¡» ¡ºYeah-yeah-yeah, I''ll see what I can do¡» While we wait for this guy to finish his coin supply run across the market, should we also take a quick tour around this lovely nest of cultural degeneracy, technological oddity, and artistic deviancy?
Now Loading......... S1E8 - Today I got a million and met someone unknown S1E8 - Today I got a million and met someone unknown
Seklu "The guiding light reflected by the mountains of treasure we amass illuminates the only true path, charted for us by our wise ancestors When our stubborn brothers persisted in the never-ending fight, our fathers showered their Final Enemy with gold - and its soothing light sated the hunger of the Golden Snake and ushered him into a peaceful slumber When the First One shook Kaladerra with his thunderous steps, our fathers brought gold to him as a gift - and its friendly glitter allowed them to join his mighty family When Great Family was divided, our fathers put their trust in the power of their riches - and its mighty glow protected our achievements trough those dark and turbulent times Now that the Servants of the Moon Lady threatening our borders, we will once again forge our path to victory from this glorious metal. Have no fear - the gold will never betray us!" Several records indicate that this was the speech Pharaoh Radamenhotemzes XXIII gave to his people before he personally went to deliver hundred chests filled with golden coins to the Lord Commander of the 9th Crusade. No known records of the actual negotiation exist, but the chests were soon returned, with gold still untouched and severed heads of the Pharaoh and his guards included in every one of them. The downfall of his kingdom was soon to follow
OK, can someone smart please explain to me - what exactly all of them are doing here right now? If possible, use simple words and avoid multi-layered metaphors - thinking is not my strongest suit right now. Or ever, really, but I''ve just artificially enhanced my stupidity up a notch and am currently gunning for a world record of being fucking dumb, so a little understanding would be greatly appreciated And I''m not talking about their respective purposes for being here - that much is blatantly transparent even for me. For example, Pointy Ears is trying to sneak into a shop with "exclusive handmade" merch for another show about another magical girl that''s going to be super-popular for another five minutes. Great disguise there, Ears! Sunglasses and a hat - this master of covert action is an epitome of creative thinking, but I can''t help but notice the obvious lack of a face mask in this ensemble Squirming suspicious creature by the porn comic book shop over there is definitely not some old pervert trying to achieve the ultimate form of window shopping, also known as "window licking". That''s just our good ol'' Healing Boobs, performing what I''m sure is supposed to look like a sneak peak in her mind. Tremendous, albeit vain, efforts in trying to act nonchalant are better redirected into improving technological literacy, in my opinion. Network, Boobs - look into it! It''s got stuff like this for days! Months! Aeons! Anonymity is not guaranteed, but who even cares about other people''s pron preferences, unless it''s a celebrity, or something. Which, if you think about it, Boobs kind of is, so scratch that - keep staring, Boobs. Keep staring good, burn it into your memory for later use! Giant woman hypnotizing crane game with huge fluffy plushies presents a dignified sight of a warrior princess contemplating her shortcomings and trying to achieve inner piece for the sake of drastically improving her efficiency in the battles to come. The choice of time and place for this meditation exercise is purely coincidental, so pay it no mind - it''s not like our Scaly Valkyrie has any interest in this cuddly nonsense whatsoever. Especially not in that enormous stuffed red dragon, no sir, why would she? Best reason I can come up with would be some sort of a size kinship, but that''s a bit of a stretch, isn''t it? Hey, Tall - try communicating with it, maybe it speaks Giant too, who knows Anyway By a distant screeching coming from a maid cafe alley, I can only assume that the Bane of My Existence is also here - probably educating flyer girls in a secret art of a proper maid conduct. Great. Still sulking about this statue thing, probably. Or maybe it''s this "date" that got her riled up, or something else entirely - don''t know, don''t care. Point is, Rindo''s here too. As I said - great. How did she get here ahead of me - did she run all the way or just jumped really hard? If you consider the timing, we were basically riding the same train and... Oh, right. It might have taken me a bit longer to get to the train station than usual. And to board a train. And to everything else. Heh So, with the purpose out of the way, the question of the reason looms over with annoying proximity - seriously, why the fuck are they all here now? Nothing is supposed to happen here today... today? What day is it, actually? Yesterday was Monday, that''s more or less certain. Tomorrow is Tuesday, I think I''m pretty sure of that. What is today, then? Monsday? Tuenday? Woah, have I become time-travelling Hero destined to drift in between the cracks of chronological continuum forever? My utterly fucked up sense of time aside, if you think I''m being too self conscious and my teammates are allowed to have their own lives outside of those wacky interactions they''re usually having with me, then I totally agree. I can''t agree hard enough, actually - what stirs up my spirit of defiance is their suspiciously synchronized choice of a timeframe and location for having those lives of theirs. I mean, look - they already dropped what they''ve been doing and are currently trying to surround me, all the while pretending to wonder aimlessly Fuck it, let''s bail!
My stamina is shit. My sense of direction is shit. My evasive maneuvers are shit too! They''ve been hounding me down with the amount of persistency that makes me think about relinquishing my newfound title to every one of them with ease. How come no matter where I go, there are always a merch shop, a lewd shop, a crane game and a maid cafe nearby? What fucking sorcery is this? Am I walking in circles, or are they magically relocating their respective points of interest to where I am? Never mind, Heroic Gut Feeling, lead the way!
*pant* *pant* *pant* ...It''s an actual park with an actual bench, eh? I would laugh at this whole situation, but I''m not sure I remember the correct definition of the word "irony". Regardless, there''s no convenient excuse for any of them to approach this place, so Hero wins again, I guess. For a time being, anyway, because I''m sure as soon as I say that I don''t remember anything happening here this early in the loop, something is bound to... Yeah, I knew it! See that chubby dude standing under the tree? I know him! He''s... he is.. he''s a chubby dude standing under the tree, obviously! My current state of mind is irrelevant, that''s simply the only thing I know about him - he''s always standing under that tree and looking up at something. If you try talking to him, he mumbles something about something, and basically nothing happens, since you don''t understand what exactly it is that he''s saying. Good. "Nothing happens" is good right now. I''m very busy with... important stuff ... ... ... ¡ºHey man¡» ¡ºMust. Do. Don''t. Know¡» ¡ºDifficult¡» ¡ºFriend. Understand?¡» ¡ºI feel you, man¡» ¡ºHappy. Friend. Kind¡» ¡ºFriend help¡» ¡ºFriend. Can''t. Must. Do¡» ¡ºOne and one will be two¡» ¡ºDon''t. Know¡» ¡ºOne small. Two big¡» ¡ºTwo. Strong?¡» ¡ºFor real¡» ¡ºFriend. Smart. But. Must. Do¡» ¡ºFriend must do what you must do¡» ¡ºTrue?¡» ¡ºTrust!¡» ¡ºFriend. Good. Cat¡» I don''t see anything at where he''s pointing, but I guess he thinks there''s a cat stuck on a tree branch. Hey, that fellow is surprisingly easy to understand! ¡ºCat stuck, must help?¡» ¡ºMust. Do. Don''t. Know¡» ¡ºChoice?¡» ¡ºSmash. Tree?¡» ¡ºCat too¡» ¡ºNot. Good. Throw. Thing?¡» The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. ¡ºCat fall, hit hard¡» ¡ºNot. Good. Jump. Hard?¡» ¡ºMiss cat, fall down, hit harder¡» ¡ºNot. Good. Throw. Friend?¡» ¡ºMiss cat, fall down, friend dead¡» ¡ºNot. Good. Don''t. Know¡» ¡ºDifficult¡» ¡ºDifficult¡» Important stuff can wait, lets help this guy ¡ºFriend sit¡» ¡ºNot. Tired¡» ¡ºTrust!¡» ¡ºGood¡» That dude is pretty massive even sitting down, so it takes some effort to climb on his shoulders. Shut up, I''m not a shrimp - you''re a shrimp!! ¡ºFriend. Dumb. Not. Tree¡» ¡ºFriend stand up. I reach the cat¡» ¡ºFriend! Smart!¡» Easy there, big fellow! Are you trying to launch me to the moon, or what? Anyway, I''m high enough now to grab onto the nearest branch and climb a little further to look for that cat, which I sure hope isn''t imaginary. There''s some movement over there, so maybe... ¡º*glurp*¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º*glurp*¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º*glurp?*¡» Well, one thing for sure - it isn''t a cat. It''s a catfish, grabbing the branch with all its six finny paws and mimicking the bark pattern with the color of its skin, making it almost completely invisible even from this distance. Forget about what it''s doing here, how the fuck did this big guy even see it from below? Since we''re here already, lets carefully make our way along the brunch and proceed with Heroic Rescue Opera... *creeeeeeeak* *fall* *grab* *grab* *bonk* That dude sure is something - he effortlessly grabbed us both in mid-air, and even managed to balance that treacherous branch on the top of his head. Anyway, Heroic Rescue accomplished - unless he wants to eat this thing now. I mean, he''s been staring at this catfish pretty hard for some time ¡ºCat. Fish? Don''t. Know¡» ¡ºCat and fish. Saved both¡» ¡ºStill. Good?¡» ¡ºBetter!¡» ¡ºKnow! Friend. Say. One. Small. Two. Big!¡» ¡ºFor real¡» ¡ºGood! Good! Friend. Smart! Friend. Help. Grateful!¡» ¡ºFriend help friend. Purpose!¡» ¡ºPurpose? Purpose! Good! Find. Friends. Help!¡» ¡ºGood! But! Choose friends carefully¡» ¡ºChoose? Not. Good. Sad¡» ¡ºDifficult¡» ¡ºDifficult. Friend. Choose. Me. How?¡» ¡ºGut Feeling!¡» ¡ºGut. Feel? Good! Do. Know! Choose. Friend. As. Friend!¡» ¡ºGood! Put friend down, shake hands!¡» *real bro handshake* Well, a won''t feel my right hand for a while, but it was a positive experience overall. Suck on it, you smug fox cunt - I do have friends, see? ¡ºFriend. Happy. Must. Go¡» ¡ºGood luck!¡» ¡ºFriend. Too! Before. Gift¡» >> ACQUIRED : Grabapple ...You''re going to take it out of your pocket just like that, huh? You know what, fuck it - you care, you lose. Not the first - and not the last - fruit of the Original Harvest I''m wolfing down today, so don''t mind if I do! *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> ENDURANCE : (F) : 11 + 200 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú ENDURANCE : (F) : 211 Great, my stamina is slightly less shit! >> ACQUIRED : Seed of Hang in There *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> ENDURANCE : (F) + (1) : 211 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú ENDURANCE : (E) : 211 A little different from that other one, right? Yeah, fruits that improve core stats have a little bit of a special effect - bigger numbers and no tradeoffs, as you might''ve noticed. Great stuff! ¡ºTaste. Good?¡» ¡ºGreat! Thanks!¡» ¡ºHappy! Must. Go. Must. Do¡» ¡ºSuccess!¡» ¡ºTry. Hard. Friend. Too¡» ¡ºDo our best! Both!¡» ¡ºOne. Small. Two. Big. Right?¡» ¡ºFor real¡» ¡ºFor. Real¡» And there he goes. Not going to lie - it was very refreshing to have a conversation with someone you don''t know everything about even before meeting them for the first time. It felt... normal, somehow. Can use some of that, but in moderation - better not make it a habit going forward. Normal just doesn''t seem to be my thing - for example, the thought of asking his name didn''t even cross my mind. All those twenty pages long bios that pop right into my head every time I see a familiar face really change my mentality to a considerable degree. Eh, fuck it - I''m sure we will meet again. Gut feeling, for real Well, anyway, that happened. Now, I''m pretty sure I was doing something else before, some... important stuff, definitely ... ... ... Yeah, no way I''m finding my way back to that stupid shop now! If you want to go somewhere, it helps to know where you are first - and good luck with that, me! I need some sort of a map, or should I ask for directions from one of the shopkeepers instead? Maybe Snick can find a shop that sells map or somethi... ... ...You know what, considering I was just lecturing Healing Boobs on her lack of tech literacy, I''m really fucking happy I forgot what "irony" means. It''s very convenient, actually - the prospect of not relearning it gets more and more compelling by the second. Speaking of, how much dumber I have to be to forget all about those previous loops entirely - I''m about at the point of needing a manual on how to breathe, but those fucking memories are still crispy clean, what the hell? ¡ºSnick. Tears of Lackremoar. Go¡» Now we just have to follow this floating rat to get to where we''re going. This is where we''re going, right?
*pant* *pant* *pant* *wheeze* Less shit is still pretty much shit, but stamina improvement is a standalone project for the later day ¡ºMy favorite customer has finally arrived! What''s the matter kid - been busy checking out my competition, or simply forgot how to count?¡» ¡ºGot what I want?¡» ¡ºYeah, 10 shiny seklu, all ready to fill your pockets with their pleasant burden! Got what I want?¡» ¡ºWhat do you want?¡» ¡º...I''ll take the huge Power Gem you were flashing here half an hour ago, please. And don''t tell me that you already sold it somewhere else kid, because if you think those coins were easy to get in fifteen minutes flat, you better think again! I''m not sure you even realize...¡» ¡ºI''ll check¡» ¡ºOh, thank you very much, kid! Very thoughtful of you to check that you have the thing you''re supposed to sell actually on you. Especially in the middle of the fucking transaction! Go ahead, it''s not like I have a business to run or...¡» ¡ºThis one?¡» ¡ºYes, it''s this one!! What, you have like a full bag of melon-sized jewels or som...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...You don''t actually have a full bag of Power Gems just like that one, do you, kid?¡» ¡ºNo¡» ¡ºSheesh, you really had me going there for a second... Anyway, I should charge you extra coin for arriving way past the specified time, kid, but I''m afraid that you will start bargaining again, and I''ve had enough headache dealing with you to last me a whole week already. So, there''s my gem, here''s your money - want some help counting it, ''cause I can offer...¡» ¡ºDon''t bother. Here¡» ¡ºPleasure doing business with you, kid!¡» >> ACQUIRED : Your Lucky Coin >> ACQUIRED : 9 Seklu So, I was selling a Power Gem easily worth over 2 mils for 10 Desert Coins that go for 1 mil at most combined? What a total rip-off! Sounds exactly like a type of deal I would make , so the story checks out pretty fine, especially... Wait, what?! >> Your Lucky Coin >> As long as luck is on your side, so will be this little treasure What. The actual. Flying. Fuck. Are you. Doing. Here. You. Shiny. Little. Cunt?!!!!!!! Are you telling me that you''ve just been sitting here, in this market, this whole fucking time?! What about those ancient desert ruins we had to raid, all those traps and dead ends, riddles and enemies, what about those, huh?! Answer me, you overpriced bottle cap!! You what, got bored waiting for us underground and just went for a little walk, is that it? Actually, that would be more of a roll. Stroll? Whatever the fuck it is that you''re doing right now, couldn''t you have just done the same thing before? I mean, it took us forever to reach that hidden treasure room, just to find you - a single fucking coin - waiting for us there, radiating this whole "good job, suckers" vibe! Never have I seen an ancient coin this smug-looking before! Well, to be honest, I''ve never seen any ancient coins by that point in time period, so the initial impression was... Hm. Hmmmmmmm It was the very first ancient gold coin I ever managed to acquire, huh? Interesting And if you want to know, yes - my team was totally ecstatic about this whole ordeal, and the fact that I was the one who got the tip about a treasure hidden in those particular ruins was met with the shower of easy-going friendly jokes and a stream of understanding and forgiving attitude. Very understanding, very forgiving, and very-very vocal. That''s why I love my girls - understanding and forgiveness is what they are all about. When all is said and done, they are definitely not the ones to forget the simple fact that I didn''t actually sit this one out and properly went through the same shit as the rest of the party. Or that they all were more than eager to jump at this opportunity to grab some legendary artifacts. What kind of self-centered pricks would deliberately overlook something like that, right? Fucking cunts ¡ºWhat the... That''s a pretty looking shiny you have right there, kid! Actually, I think I gave you some of my merchandise instead of the coin by mistake, so can I have it back for a second to make sure that...¡» ¡ºMine¡» ¡ºWell, not technically, it isn''t. The deal was 10 seklu for a gem, and this coin is obviously not...¡» ¡ºMine¡» ¡ºI don''t really think that you should fight me on this, kid. Listen, the thing in your hand is actually a magical forgery that a regular of mine ordered for sentimental purposes. Now, I wasn''t trying to trick you, or anything like that - trust me, it was an honest mix up on my part, but! To make it up to you and not to let this little misunderstanding ruin the friendly mood we have going here, I''m willing to add another coin to the pot - just to make sure that...¡» ¡ºNo¡» ¡º...10 more coins¡» ¡ºNo¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...Fine, whatever. Jokes on me for not noticing sooner, eh? Also, I''m pretty sure they all were... Doesn''t matter. Once again - it''s been a pleasure, kid. A word of advice as a special service, if I may - stay as far away from this whole monkey business as you can in the future. It takes a certain type of person to navigate those murky waters, and believe me, kid - you''re not it. I''m surprised that you even...¡» ¡ºYou do the same¡» ¡ºNow that''s just simply hurtful - telling me to stay away from the trade a spend most of my life on! Why would you even say something like that to a successful businessman such as myself, kid? I''ll have you know...¡» ¡ºI show gem. I leave. I come back. Only you. And coins¡» ¡º...Pffffha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You got me there, kid, you got me real good, I''ll give you that! True, I''ve been reprimanded for my refusal to properly double-cross anyone many times before, so that hits a little too close to home, if you know what I mean. Still, never before by a person that I was supposed to double-cross, so that adds a certain sting to it, eh? What can I say - you were right on the money with your assessment earlier. I can easily double my investment with this deal, and that''s good enough for me. No reason to trouble myself with all that funny business just for the sake...¡» ¡ºSucker¡» ¡ºKid, please, remind me - did I ever tell you that you got a lip on you? Just because a man is involved in a dishonest trade doesn''t mean he should become a dishonest man, even if...¡» ¡ºIt does mean that. Kinda¡» ¡ºWeeell, let''s agree to disagree, how does that sound? I have my own way of doing things, and sure - at times, I might not be as successful as some of my, let''s say, more opportunistic peers. Quite a lot of times, to be honest, but regardless...¡» ¡ºWhy still do it then?¡» ¡ºWhy still do anything? Force of habit and fear of change, kid - trust me, you''ll get there. Been doing this long enough for it to become very hard to imagine doing anything else - plus, not that many windows of opportunity just waiting for me out there, right? And, believe it or not - at the end of the day, I''m actually pretty good at what I do. This monkey business is in my blood. Now, why the fuck am I telling you all this again? I''m not old enough to...¡» ¡ºExtortion. I''m good. You said, remember?¡» ¡ºYeah, and I''m surprised that you do, considering. So, you''re good at extorting information too, eh, kid? Watch out, everyone, there''s a new wild card on the block - if we leave him be, he''s gonna muscle us out of business soon! Well, enough of that silly talk, I have a shop to run. If you choose to stay in the game, you know where to find me, kid¡» ¡ºI am. Probably¡» ¡ºWeird kid. But who am I kidding - if you keep bringing me stuff as good as this, you''re welcome anytime!¡» ¡ºBetter. Probably¡» ¡ºReally, now? Makes me a little curious - I kinda feel like I wanna know who you really are, kid!¡» ¡ºYou don''t. Probably¡» ¡ºWe agree on something, for a change. Good luck, weird fellow!¡» ¡ºYou too, sucker¡» A big fucking softie is what this idiot really is. Which suits me - did I ever mention that I''m an Ally of Justice and not very good at all those shady moves? But even I know that, after showing a prize as big as this one, and then leaving - eleven times out of ten I will be walking straight into an ambush when I come back. It''s free money, basically - there''s no one actually stupid enough to refuse the whole thing and settle for only half of it, right? Unless you know a certain guy that left a certain impression during certain brief interaction in all those previous loops Long story short, if you want to be good at fighting - get good at fighting. If you want to be good at winning - get good at choosing your opponents. I''m not very good at either, but my cheat memory can even the scales a bit. Not a lot to work with, honestly - but I have to do my best with what I have After all, Hero always wins. Has to Anyway, that''s that. I''m as sure as I can be that I need to get something else from this place, but... Should we take a quick tour to refresh my memory? Nah, fuck it, I''m getting some d¨¦j¨¤ vu tingles from that idea, so let''s just go back to the dorm
Now Loading......... S1E9 - Eating seeds to increase productivity S1E9 - Eating seeds to increase productivity
Forbidden Rune "One reaching towards the vast horizon has no need for special invitation One traveling an open road has no use for specific directions We trace the path with our own will - that we have All we need from now on is enough wisdom to accept what''s waiting us at the end of it" A rare example of still-intact tablet containing a writing in what is considered to be the first language in the history of Kaladerra. Most of those monuments were destroyed during the reign of Holy Kingdom, since, according to the doctrine of the Salvation Church, this language was derived under the influence of the Demon King. Thanks to Inquisition sparing no efforts in wiping all traces of it from anywhere that they could reach, most remaining fragments contain one letter at best. Each still readable on its own, but meaningless until combined in a proper order One could certainly use some directions on how to put this puzzle back together
...I''m pretty sure it was something very stupid. I mean, I''ve already given up on getting it, but that argument is completely ineffective against this useless sense of urgency to remember what "it" actually is that''s definitely going to keep bugging me all the way back to the dorm. Some magic device? Artifact? Sex toy? Silly T-shirt? Wait, clothes - it had to do something with clothes! Or sex toys? Cheat memory provides, like, three dozen options I can get here that would be of some interest, but I need to know what exactly... ¡º...And while we''re still on the subject, please, enlighten me - is that ridiculous outfit that puts your undergarments on full display your idea of an appropriate attire for a maid? Are your skills really so pathetically low that the only way to satisfy your Master you can think of is to try and cater to his animalistic side with that almost non-existent sex appeal of yours? I''ll have you know that...¡» Heh-heh, undergarments, funny word. Wait, that''s it, right?! I was going to get some used woman''s panties - for purely scientific reasons, of course! There''s a vending machine that sells them somewhere in this district, and... I have no way of finding it in my current state. It''s not exactly on the map, so Snick is of no use, and, sure, loop memory gives a general location - but navigating those alleys right now is out of the question. Fuck! Also, was that Rindo? ¡ºMa''am, I''m really thankful for your advice, but I''m not really a maid, so...¡» ¡ºIs that all you have - frisky clothes and silly excuses? The moment you put on this uniform, you took a step on the road towards an image of a perfect servitude that every maid should strive to embody in order to be worthy of her proud name! To enter this world without an appropriate resolution is similar to spitting in the face of all the efforts...¡» Right, she''s also here, I knew that, totally! Harassing flyer girls that tries to attract customers to the countless maid cafes all across Gakivalara, so it seems. Did I do something, or did she get moody on her own? Anyway - sorry, flyer girl, but I shall have you be my sacrificial pawn that will take the full brunt of annoying bitching from this fuming creature in order for me to escape. Go down in style, flyer girl, I will never forget your... Hm. Hmmmmmm Actually, scratch that Rindo, you did well reminding me of a very important matter, instrumental to the fate of the whole Kaladerra - good job, you''re one step closer to achieving that "image of perfect servitude" you won''t shut up about! As a reward, I shall have you become a provider of a mediocre substitute for a real artifact of legends. Those from the vending machine are fake anyway, so your sloppy underwear might just stand a chance - do your best! ¡º...and if you fully understand the gravity of your mistakes, then get on your knees right now and apologize to every single maid in the world for... What are you doing here, Young Master?¡» ¡ºLooking for you. Come¡» ¡º...Did you get tired of staring at that garbage statue already? That was too quick, Young Master - but it is to be expected from a stinking virgin with zero experience, I suppose. My apologies, Young Master, but right now I''m in the middle of properly educating that arrogant pretender in proper ways of...¡» ¡ºCome¡» ¡ºI shall follow you as soon as I''m done lecturing this lowly creature that dares to smear the dignity of...¡» ¡ºCome¡» ¡º...I shall follow you when I''m finished, Young Master¡» Well, someone''s sulking. I definitely did something - what was it about a statue? A-a-ah, statue, right-right. OK, change of tactics! ¡ºYou¡» ¡ºM-me? Look, I''m just handing out flyers here, mister, so if you want...¡» ¡ºTwo maids¡» ¡ºEh?¡» ¡ºOne can''t follow dress code properly¡» ¡ºUh-huh¡» ¡ºAnother can''t follow orders properly¡» ¡º...!¡» ¡ºWhich one is more shit?¡» ¡º...Oh, definitely the one that can''t even follow direct orders, mister! That''s just beyond redemption! What a shitty maid that would be! Maid? Can she even call herself a maid, when she''s not even competent enough to understand that disobeying her master...¡» ¡ºYoung Master, I''m afraid that if you listen to that talking trash any longer, your brain will become even more of a rotten mess that it already is. For the sake of preserving those tiny remains of intelligence that you still posses, I suggest...¡» ¡ºCome¡» ¡º...I shall follow you, Young Master¡» Perfect image of servitude right here, everyone ¡ºHey, mister, don''t be in such a hurry! How about you visit our cafe - I''m sure we can provide you with a much better service! It''s right over there, see - the name''s...¡» ¡ºLater. Busy now¡» ¡ºHe-e-ey, don''t be like that, mister! Here, as a special exception, I''ll give you this secret coupon - if you show it at the store, you will get one free...¡» Don''t push your luck, sister. And don''t push that coupon towards me, either. Take pity on it - it''s going to be pulverized into the dust *snatch* *toss* *slice-slice-slice-slice* *poof* See, what did I tell you? You''re next, by the way - and I''m only half-joking ¡ºE-e-e-e-e-e-e-ek! What is with that crazy woman?!¡» ¡ºI merely disposed of a piece of trash that some filthy rat tried to give to Young Master. Shall I dispose of a rat as well?¡» ¡ºI-I think my break t-t-t-t-time has already s-s-s-s-started, so, if you excuse m-m-m-m-me... *woosh*¡» ¡ºHumph!!¡» Get that smug look off your face, Rindo, and get that knife back to... wherever the fuck you''ve been hiding it. Also, you''re completely wrong - I shall follow you instead. Back to the dorm, lead the way!
Walk right past the carnage at the entrance and go to the kitchen. Hopefully, Jess is there to enlighten me about the details of my master plan ¡ºThere seems to be some sort of a commotion, Young Mater¡» ¡ºDon''t care¡» ¡ºIs that so? One would think that the Lord of Heroic Domain would show a little bit more interest in what''s going on in his own...¡» ¡ºJE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-SS!!¡» ¡ºI''m right here, you know¡» ¡ºBefore leaving. Did I ask for anything?¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºDid I?¡» ¡º...Can I strangle you, just for a little bit. I promise to let go before... Yes!! Yes, you did, in fact, ask for "something"! We''ve been busy arguing with the Guild for several hours over that "something" of yours, and I''m not sure how much longer we can...¡» ¡º15 minutes. Anything else?¡» ¡º...Mana recovery buff¡» ¡ºDid you do it? ¡» ¡ºYes-yes, here it is. Please, enjoy it to your heart''s content. I put a lo-o-o-o-ot of love into it this time *wink*¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºPlease, drink up, Lord Headache! I''m sure my Special Fish Oil-based cocktail that contains all my feelings of intense appreciation for my slave driving Lord will provide you with a proper refreshment. It''s extra spicy, too - just to get my message across more clearly. Come on, drink it, please! Drink it right now! Don''t leave a single drop!¡» I don''t know what''s more black - the smoke coming from that cup, or the smile with which she''s pressing it towards me. Well, If I asked her to make it, I must have had some reason - we can figure it out later. Cheers! *glug* *glug* *glug* *burp* ¡º...How was it?¡» ¡ºDelish. Felt the love. Can drink a barrel¡» ¡ºRe-e-eally? Wait just a second then, I will...¡» ¡ºNo time. Printer access, kitchen tongs, and a plastic bag¡» ¡º...I mean, just a little squeeze won''t hurt that scrawny neck of yours, right? You''re Hero, right? You can handle it, right?¡» ¡ºLet''s find out¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* Whatever, I don''t even want to ask. Here, the quota is not very large, so don''t go too crazy¡» >> ACQUIRED : Hero Dormitory STIM-printer Access ¡ºI just hope your "phase" will be over soon. You''re going back there in... 15 minutes, is that correct?¡» ¡ºYes. After I go. Let the idiots in¡» ¡ºRo-ger-tha-a-at. Anyhing else?¡» ¡ºUntil I return. Don''t go anywhere¡» ¡ºYes-yes, this humble servant shall patiently await the return of her Lord without moving from this very spot¡» ¡ºThank you, Jess. Love of my life¡» ¡ºJust go, before I strangle you for real, idiot! And... damn it, good luck! Again! Use it this time!¡» ¡ºWill do! Hero, out. RINDO-O-O-O-O!!¡» ¡ºI''ve been here this whole time, Young Master. You seem to be going somewhere, but I guess you pitifully weak brain was too preoccupied with horny thoughts to inform me about...¡» ¡ºPrinter room. Come¡»
And here''s another creation of mad scientists from Dominion of Truth - fairly recent one, as well. Sizeable glass box with a door on the side and a familiar operating it on top. Panel at the back has two sockets - one for the RUMP, and another one for the STIM-cartridge. Well, this particular one is connected to the power bank that supplies the whole dormitory, so there''s a cable instead of a battery, but the cartridge is properly in place Within that class tube is an element of wonders - convinium vulgarium, or - if you absolutely insist on using its official name - simply kaladerium. Mysterious substance mined from insane depths of the planet, it has an ability to magically transform into almost any other form of inorganic matter. Modern theory suggests that the whole planet is made of it - below a thin layer of earth, sand, rocks, and other stuff. Well, "thin" compared to the size of Kaladerra, since you have to dig really fucking deep to get to that toothpaste equivalent of the Philosopher Stone After you get yourself some of that superclay, all you need to do is apply magic power to it - and it will change its shape and nature according to your will. Or sometimes against it - you see, kaladerium is extremely volatile in its pure form, so even a slight gust of magical energy, a random thought, or an occasional fart in the next room can sometimes force it to spontaneously transform into... well, something. And that "something" is not always compatible with the safety and well-being of everyone who happen to be in the vicinity, so International Geo-harvest Managing Association - organization very similar to the Guild - is trying their best to limit the means of obtaining kaladerium to themselves Unlike IDEA, though, IGMA is not as successful at preserving their monopoly - taking its toll an obvious absence of easily locateable Floodgates, that can ensure your exclusive access to the resource in question, as long as you control them. Power Gems do exist outside of the dungeons, sure - but the amount is laughable, and they are a total pain to get. Kaladerium, on the other hand, is everywhere - all you need to do is dig straight down. Try to manage access to that with a Convention Still, there''s not as much competition for Diggers as you might think - after all, you do have to dig very-very-very deep. Just get something very-very-very dangerous. Worth any risk for some, not even close - for most Why do we have something so dangerous right in the middle of my love nest, you ask. Because it isn''t, of course - what''s in this cartridge is no simple kaladerium, but Stable Thaumaturgically Inert Materia instead. IGMA waves some black magic over their harvest right after extraction, and boom - totally safe and eco-friendly cartridge of miracles is ready for insertion into any magiprinter of your choosing. After that, all you need is to transfer a blueprint to a Controlling Familiar Unit - that sleepy furball will do the rest: convert the blueprint into appropriate magic formula, imprint it into the fusion panel, power it up, and control the STIM output into the printing chamber What you can get from this magic box at the end of this process has a pretty wide range - clothes, utensils, small furniture pieces, decorations, jewelry, you name it. Can''t do anything that requires magical enchantment, though, sorry - please refer to the proper production factory for that. Also, don''t try to print food. Please, its a glass box, and there might be children and pregnant ladies nearby As with anything else that Librarians come up with, everybody just uses it without asking any question. Even IGMA just follows standard kaladerium-converting procedure, courtesy of the Dominion of Truth, without really knowing what they''re doing. Explanations are not usually requested by anyone - the fear that Librarians actually start explaining is strong. They might never stop Also, do you want to hear about the implosion of Network delivery industry that was caused by that little invention taking the world by storm? That was a bloodbath rivaling Great Collapse on the level of drama, destruction, despair and other sorts of family-friendly entertainment - good old fashioned mayhem. Well, OK - it wasn''t that devastating, actually. Several major players with enough combined brain cells in their upper management got a whiff of it early on, during the trial phase - and instead of shitting out one mockery ad campaign after another - like the rest of those idiots - they quietly invested in the Network resources that specialize in aggregating blueprints from various creators. Soon, time-limited exclusivity contract with popular designers followed - and all was well again in the kingdom of profit making. Populous-milking industry is dead - long live populous-milking industry Still, most of the blueprints on those sites are free - save the time-limited paid exclusives that I just mentioned, but those will go public after a while as well, so you only have to cough up some dough if you absolutely sure that you need to jump on that particular fashion bandwagon. Plus, it lets the creators get some income, in addition to the rank-improving likes and subscriptions. Not for long - Librarians don''t look kindly on what they consider a threat to their precious Free Access to Knowledge, but nothing stops the designers from coming up with new insanely popular idea that''s worth paywalling for a while, right? ¡ºSnick, Aberrant Flow, woman''s underwear section¡» ¡º...¡» Now, what should I make you wear, Rindo? The color will be black, obviously, and the design... this one! G-string with transparent front - perfect! ¡ºSnick, those, print¡» ¡º...¡» Wait for a couple of minutes while watching it take shape and listening to a quiet humming, hear the audio signal, open the door, grab it with tongs and point it towards Rindo ¡ºHold¡» ¡º...You have absolutely zero taste in everything you do, as usual, Young Master. Is that your idea of an appropriate gift for a lady...¡» ¡ºLady? Where? Hold¡» ¡ºI refuse!... Young Master¡» ¡ºOK. Jess will do¡» *snatch* ¡ºWe can have you showing your disgusting habits to a completely unrelated person, Young Master! Unlike me, who is pretty much used to your complete lack of self-control and your desperate fixation on erotic delusions, anybody else would have too much of a cultural shock after realizing what a pathetic excuse for a human being you actually are, Young Master. I guess now you''ll want me to wear it, so that you can fill your peabrain with revolting horny fantasies every time you look at me, and...¡» This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work. ¡ºHold¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºOK, enough. Give back¡» ¡º...What do you intend to do with it after I give it back, Young Master?¡» ¡ºSniff hard. Imagine your boobs. Jerk off¡» ¡º!!!¡» ¡ºFuriously. Give back¡» ¡ºIt seems like Young Master finally cast off his useless sense of shame and embraced his brain-dead horny nature. I wonder, should I reward such honest Young Master, and show him the glimpse of the real thing he tries so hard to imagine? I''m such a kind-hearted maid, really - I might not be able to help myself! If Young Master crawls at my feet and begs properly, I might even consider...¡» ¡ºNo need. Stinking virgin. Zero experience. Real thing - too much stimulation. This will do. Give back¡» ¡º...Tch, Young Master is so stupid, he can''t even find a proper timing to be self aware. Here you go, Young Master - enjoy it thoroughly, since it''s the closest thing to any sort of sexual interaction you will ever hope to have!!¡» ¡ºThanks¡» Grab it with the tongs, put it in a plastic bag, close the ziplock, toss it into the bag. Quest Item ACQUIRED!! You know, ingenuity isn''t my strongest point - even when I''m at my very best, granted, which is not much different from how I am now. But, surprisingly enough, I feel like I would''ve managed to talk Rindo into giving me her actual used panties - but I''ll refrain. First - I don''t want any filthy underwear that Horrid Creature was wearing, second - I have and idea I want to test. I mean, if those fake ones from the vending machine are totally fine - will this cute little forgery also be enough? Let''s gear up and find out ¡ºNow, I don''t remember you ever explaining - where exactly are you in such a hurry to go, Young Muster?¡» ¡ºMy room. Jerk off. Need privacy¡» ¡º...¡»
OK, what''s in the bag? Legendary quest item, nothing else. What''s in the pockets? 9 Desert Coins and My Lucky Coin. Throw them in the bag, put the bag on the floor, get changed into diving gear. Why does the jacket only have one sleeve, is that a new fashion? Knife - onto the belt, check the ammo and the power level on the gun, and snap the holster to the belt as well. Check the power level in the Medkit, throw four additional C-5 RUMPs and four additional magazines into the bag. Did I ever tell you that I bought spare clips and batteries at the hub after the Mantis fight with my discovery reward? I conveniently don''t remember Think for a second, take My Lucky Coin from the bag... oh, it''s already in my pocket on its own. Think some more ... Nah, it''s no use. I''ll piece it together as I go along - the immediate destination is clear, at least. Sure hope I won''t get distracted on my way there, but overall - as ready as I can be, I guess. Take a magic marker for the hell of it, and let''s go ¡ºHave you finished already, Young Master. That was pathetically quick, even for..¡» ¡ºZero virgin. Stinking Experience. Noted. Gotta go¡» ¡ºDressed like that, Young Master? Surely, even an over-exited monkey like yourself wouldn''t try to... ¡» ¡ºDungeon diving¡» ¡ºYour inability to learn from your own mistakes and your love for self-inflicted humiliation is truly praiseworthy, Young Master. Which dungeon did you choose to utterly embarrass yourself at this time, if you don''t mind me asking? It doesn''t really make that much of a difference, since...¡» ¡ºMy personal one¡» ¡ºRindo is genuinely worried about you, Young Master. I understand you desire to run away from a stream of constant failures into your own imaginary world, but I wouldn''t advise you to...¡» ¡ºCome. See for yourself. Heroic Shrine¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºDon''t want - don''t have to¡» ¡ºI shall follow you, Young Master!¡» ¡ºSure¡»
¡ºWhat is the meaning of this, Young Master... Wait, you can''t be thinking of going there?¡» ¡ºYes. Come¡» ¡ºI don''t... but... No. No!! I shall... what?! Why can''t I... Please, wait, Young Master! I can''t follow you!! Come back, come back right no-...¡» MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! For someone who''s always commenting on my low level of intelligence - you''re not the sharpest tool in the shed yourself, eh, Rindo? Exactly which part of "My Own Personal Dungeon" gave you the idea that silly cunts would be allowed to trespass as they please? Reflect on your lack of understanding of the basic concept of Heroic Privacy, while I... ... Right, tunnel, secret door - let''s get what''s behind it. Do you still remember what we are supposed to do? Correct - we hug the right wall and hope for the best. Wish me luck!
*click* *vroom* *slide* Would you look at that! I managed to find it almost instantly, and totally didn''t spend an hour and a half pacing back and forth glued to the wall like an absolute, well, moron. Heh. No, shut up, fuck off - it wasn''t because I forgot that I was supposed to be hugging the left wall, since I''m going the other way. I remembered right away and corrected myself immediately, yes Small room with almost nothing in it - save the naked mannequin wearing fancy shades, with a frying pan on its head and a carrot in its hand. Never mind its theatrical pose that suggest to take the carrot right off the bat, we should go for the glasses first >> ACQUIRED : Ten-Pan Drifter [???] >> This splendid piece of fashion will show you things for what they really are Why thank you, that is indeed a splendid addition to a wardrobe of a gentleman of an impeccable taste, such as myself - I shall wear it! Honestly, though - they look more like sport glasses, if you ask me. Dark rim, sleek form, semi-transparent lenses with a golden tint - gives quite an energetic feel to my overall appearance, what do you think? Oh, and also - that''s an ancient artifact that allows you to see through illusion magic. Of course, there''s a gimmick - even so, when functioning properly, that thing can be pretty useful, but... >> Ten-Pan Drifter rejects you due to insufficient stats >> Synchronization : 0 % >> Estimated performance : 5 % Yeah, what else did you fucking expect? Artifacts, especially ancient ones, have a part of creator''s will imbued into them - that''s how they can do all that super crazy shit regular equipment can''t. You''re still the one powering up their special functions, though, and a certain level of synchronisation between the user and the device is required for that - and at that point, your stats come into play. Possessing a rudimentary will doesn''t exactly make those finicky bitches sentient, but it does provide them with some form of character - the one that''s pretty demanding to the overall potential of their wearer, usually Basically, your stat has to be of a certain rank - which stat exactly depends on the device, and some of them check several at once. As a general rule, stronger the special effect - bigger the requirements, but modern day magical engineering has seen a number of significant breakthroughs in the field of bending that rule to a certain degree Ten-Pan Drifter, however, wasn''t made using modern day magitech - it was made by no-idea-who and zero-clue-when, based on the fact that Snik fails to even try to determine what stat and what rank is required for it to stop being a fussy cunt. It''s focus, though - if I remember correctly, but there''s an easy enough way to double-check >> ACQUIRED : Lookarrot [???] Let''s munch on that tasty-looking carrot while the mannequin comes to life, performs a silly dance and then runs away. Where to, in this empty room with the only door being the one we just came through? No fucking idea - one minute it was here, and now it''s gone. Funny trick, considering that if we took the carrot first, this doll would be carrying away our stylish shades with it *munch* *mu-* No-no-no-no-no, wait a minute, I can''t do that now! See, that''s what I meant about not getting distracted - creepy longe by the hole at the bottom floor, remember it? The one behind sexy shape-shifting statute? We go there first - I wouldn''t want to try and talk to anyone after... Anyway, go-go-go! ... You know what''s funny, though? It''s supposed to hurt like a motherfucker when you''re using an artifact that hasn''t accepted you. Body-twisting, mind-crushing, soul-devouring, horrific, unbearable pain - that type of situation But it doesn''t even sting, for some reason. Huh
¡ºWelcome to the Palace of *snort* Love, bro-... What, it''s *snort* you again, you rude bastard! I''ll have you know, this establishment has zero *snort* tolerance for the kind of savage behavior that you...¡» ¡ºGift¡» ¡º...What is is this *snort*?¡» ¡ºGift¡» ¡ºMy, you seem to have some *snort* manners, after all, brother! An apology gift is a good way to show that you properly reflect on your *snort* actions, but don''t think for a second that it will be easy to appeal to a man of such high *snort* culture and taste as mine with a simple...*sniff* *sniff* *snort*¡» OK, the moment of truth. The plastic bag sure got his attention, so... ¡º*SNIIIIIIIIIIIIFF* *SNOOOOOOOOOOOOORT*¡» *grab* *tear* *staaaaaare* ¡º...Could this *snort* be? I can''t believe it! An Ultimate Treasure of Pure Love and *snort* Beauty, in my grasp at last! *sniiiiiff*¡» OK, it worked. Congratulation, everyone - quest completed! Now, let''s wait for that creep to calm down and... ¡ºStill *snort* warm and a little *sniff* moist - how wonderful! *sniff-sniff* Worn just recently by a lady of outstanding *snort* beauty! Who did you get that from, brother?¡» Wrestle it from the claws of a vile toxin-spitting monster, creep. Trust me, you don''t want to meet it ¡ºWait, don''t *snort* tell me! I will let my imagination do the work - this exquisite *sniff* aroma already forming a vision of that pure and unsullied *snort* maiden in my mind! What innocence! *sniff* What bashful charm! *sniff-sniff* How erotic! *sniiiiiiff*¡» ...You know what, I can''t believe I''m saying this - but now I slightly regret that Rindo couldn''t come here with me. I would''ve kind of wanted her to be present for this - the reactions of both of those creatures would probably be fun to watch ¡ºI knew it! *snort* Since the first time you walk through this door, I knew you for the connoisseur of a true *snort* beauty that you really are, brother! I could see it in your *snort* eyes, that we share the same *sniff* passion in our admiration for the magnificent *snort* splendor of ethereal fabric dripping with alluring *sniff* odor!¡» Hm? Panties? Nah, man - I''m more about what''s inside of them. You have to take them off for the actual fun stuff anyway - so you''re on your own with this underwear-sniffing kink, sorry ¡ºTransparent, *snort* isn''t it? Not as pure as you *snort* look, aren''t you? You dirty *sniff* girl, hyuk-hyuk-hyuk *snoooort*¡» I think I might have to put a lid on it, before he actually starts jerking off right in front of me. Weirdly, he wasn''t as excited before - or did I just wipe it from my memory? Who cares, to the point ¡º...Come on now, no need to be *snort* shy...¡» ¡ºReward¡» ¡º*SNOOORT* What is it now, I''m busy!¡» ¡ºReward¡» ¡ºReward? Reward! Sure, such beautiful *snort* gift warrants a reward of similar proportions! Just give me *sniff* five minutes, brother, and after that I''ll *snort* make sure to pick something suitable from my wide assortment of...¡» ¡ºRune. Now¡» ¡ºHey, that''s my most *snort* prized possession. You can just demand that I give it to you. Snort. Of course, since you are obviously a Knight of True *snort* Beauty, and just completed a quest of immense *snort* glory, you might be considered worthy to hold that priceless *snort* treasure. But there''s an appropriate order to things, bother...¡» Appropriate order of things - that''s running around collecting various stupid junk that this creep considers sexy. Every time you bring it to him, he will give you some sort of a reward - eight times in total. Some of those items he gives are pretty useful, but - boring shit, do not want. So, I just skipped to the final item he will request, which I just brought with me in a plastic bag. And a reward for it, as I remember... ¡ºRune. Now¡» ¡ºI''m *snort* telling you, this is not how it works, brother!! First, you need to...¡» ¡ºGive back. Now¡» ¡ºEeeeeeeeh?!¡» ¡ºGive back. Now¡» ¡º...Now, come on, brother, don''t be too *snort* hasty! I''m not saying I won''t give it to you, I just...¡» ¡ºRune. Now¡» ¡ºTsk. You really are a barbarian, brother! OK, fine, here it is! Now, if you *snort* excuse me...¡» >> ACQUIRED : Forbidden Rune >> Stone shard with a rune of heretical knowledge infused into it. Vastly improves a talent of your choosing ¡ºTanks. Enjoy¡» ¡ºYou don''t *snort* need to tell me, brother! Oooooh, you naughty *sniff* girl!¡» Heroic Retreat, extra haste, double time!
>> Spark of Promise << I feel like I''ve already done it before - sat on the edge of this root covered hole while contemplating what to do next. Loop memory doesn''t provide any reference, though - so must be just my imagination >> Spark of Promise << Well, solving this puzzle shouldn''t be too hard - I''m the one who came up with this strategy, so it''s probably something stupid anyway. Should be easy to re-trace. Probably >> Spark of Promise << OK - 9 Desert Coins, Lucky Coin, Forbidden Rune, Ten-Pan Drifter, Lookarrot, magic marker - what else? Mana recovery buff, yes. What does it all tell us? >> Spark of Promise << I think I definitely wanted to go all the way down through that hole. Nothing much down there, except for this obstacle course on the way back, but I''ll need the ticket for that. It should be... Next floor up from this one, 7th from the top. But without a lamp... right, glasses! So, that''s Lookarrot, Rune, and Drifter out of equation, great! >> Spark of Promise << Creep back there can sell you some stuff for the coins, but since I have My Lucky Coin as well - I was trying to go gambling instead. That''s 6th Floor from the top, but there''s no way to get past that quiz-loving cunt. And how did I manage to get this Lucky Coin, anyway? And what use do I have for a Mana recovery buff, the only spell I have is... >> Spark of Promise << ... >> Spark of Promise << Oooooooh, is that my brilliant plan? Sheep girl was actually right - Hero is a player! OK, let''s go do all that right now, before I forget. Sure would help to have something to write it all down, in case... *Ahem* Sure good thing I brought a magic marker to write it all down, wouldn''t you agree. Oh, is that why I cut the right sleeve of my jacket? Nice to meet you, everyone - master tactician is here! >> Spark of Promise << *scribble* *scribble* *scribble* Well, that seems to be most of it, now - to the 7th Floor!
*pant* *pant* *pant* *wheeze* My stamina is less shit. My stamina is less shit. My stamina is less shit. My stamina is less shit Well, it''s the next floor up anyway, so the spiraling stairs will soon transform into a platform that stretches along the inner wall for about half a circle - before turning into upward-going stairs again. The platform presents an access to many a doors, and - that one should open, I think *creeeeak* *clunk* OK, good - now we step through it and enter a maze-like corridor. Not much different from the main shaft - doors, doors everywhere. Again - only select few will actually open, so it''s a good thing I know which one we''re looking for. It''s... this one, definitely *creeeeak* *clunk* Hey, I got it right on the first try! We are currently in a dense pine forest under an empty black sky - with the door still behind us and a narrow passage through the trees in front. We can walk it safely until... yeah, here''s where we stop Round clearing with four pathways leading away from it - one to the left, one to the right, one directly in front of us, and one behind. They all look exactly the same. They all look exactly the same - it''s important, so I said it twice You see, there''s a wooden cabin in the depth of this forest, quite a distance from here - and to get to it, we will have to navigate through a grid of those clearings, that probably cover the whole area. I say "probably", because I have no idea what the exact map looks like - the actual route to the cabin is a straight line, but of course, there''s a catch. Every time you go through any of those passages, your sense of direction gets all fucked up, and when you arrive at the clearing - you get magically turned around at a random angle. With all those clearings and all those pathways looking the same, well, you guessed correctly - we will need a specific item to find our way through this bullshit. It''s a certain lamp, and it''s... not here, right. But! Hear me out! What''s here is this Ten-Pan Drifter I''m wearing - and it''s a legendary item that can see through illusion magic. Sort of. To a specific degree. And for very specific purpose. OK, long story short - it''s a gimmicky item that''s going to be used in a cooking competition later on to determine which ingredients to use. It can help you see the quality, freshness, some other stuff - but what''s important right now, is that it can help you see ingredients themselves. I mean, you have to actually see them to know how good they are - right? So, I figured - right in front of the cabin, there''s another superfruit growing, which, technically, counts as an ingredient. And - it''s a straight line, so, if you discount dim lighting, it should be visible even from here. If the Drifter can latch on to it - I will have a perfect solution for this labyrinth, even without that shitty fucking lamp! The only problem is - the performance is not high enough to even detect something edible nearby, let alone through a multiple layer of illusions, but that''s when the rune and Lookarrot come into play. Hopefully, just the rune, though - we don''t need the full list of properties, just to see if something is there or not. Full sync shouldn''t really be required for that. Probably. Look, this item was only used once, OK - I didn''t exactly run it through a full test-drive course, so... Anyway, as I said - focus. As in - it needs Focus stat to sync properly, so here goes nothing >> Forbidden Rune Activated >> FOCUS : (E) + (1) : 16 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (D) : 16 *shine* *crack* *poof* Yeah, it improves the rank of any stat you choose - very useful. So, what do we have *staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare* Nothing, huh. Damn, I was kind of hoping to avoid this, but, oh well - what are you gonna do? >> Ten-Pan Drifter refuses to acknowledge your existence due to insufficient stats >> Synchronization: 0 % >> Estimated performance: 15 % Yeah-yeah, I get the picture. Come, my trusty carrot! *crunch* *crunch* *munch* *gulp* >> FOCUS : (D) : 16 + 100 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (D) : 116 >> ACQUIRED : Seed of Obsession [???] *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> FOCUS : (D) + (1) : 116 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (C) : 116 >> INTELLECT : (F) - (1) : 8 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (G) : 8 First dump stat has been decided, so it seems. Good news - stats can not go lower than G rank. Bad news, well, there''s none - I''m a natural-born genius that doesn''t have to rely on some trivial things like stat value or rank, unlike those other common folks. I''m perpetually brilliant, you see. Ha-ha... Anyway, it''s better had fucking worked! *staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare* >> Ten-Pan Drifter doesn''t want to be associated with some worthless trash. Due to insufficient stats >> Synchronization : 0 % >> Estimated performance : 25 % *staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare* ... *staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare* >> Tasty? MWAHAHAHAHA, the victory is mine, nice! Wait, tasty, tasty - better write it down. Great, done - all that''s left is for everything to go exactly according to initial plan - without unexpected uncertainties, freak occurrences, random incidents, and honest mistakes. Lemon squeezy! ... Also, I noticed something - you know that constant noise in my head? No, it didn''t go anywhere - but now it''s absolutely incomprehensible. Not like it was very clear before, but I could still catch some bits and pieces from it - and now it''s completely one-note Ha-ha, fuck you, noise! I can''t. Understand. A. Thing And a thing about noise is that, no matter how loud it is, if it doesn''t carry any information for your mind to focus on - you get used to it, after a while. To the point of completely ignoring it. To the point where it even stops being a noise It becomes silence ... Well, see you on the other side
Forest. Why? Going. Where? Tired. Hand says - TASTY. Where? Left. Going left. Screaming, noisy Forest. Why? Go back. Tired. Hand says - TASTY. Where? Left? Right? Tasty? Shadow, fast. Wich way right? Tasty, there. Going Forest. No Tasty. Why? Tasty, where? Left? Right? Going back. Tasty, behind. Hiding. Going back Forest. Cabin? Why? Tasty! Hand says - EAT. Eat Tasty >> ACQUIRED : Eggplasavant [???] *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> INTUITION : (E) : 20 + 100 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTUITION : (E) : 120 >> ACQUIRED : Seed of Exaltation [???] *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> INTUITION : (E) + (1) : 120 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTUITION : (D) : 120 >> INTELLECT : (G) - (1) : 8 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (G) : 8 Tasty was tasty. No more Tasty. Why? Tasty, where? Hand says - CABIN TICKET. Going cabin Small cabin. Come closer. Child crying. Window - light. Going Small cabin. Come closer. Child not crying. Window - no light. Go to sleep Small cabin. Come closer. Door open. Why? Nobody behind. He-he, funny door Small cabin. Dark cabin. Somebody. Go say hello Went away. Why? Where? There! Go say hello Went away. Why? Where? Nowhere. Door creaking. Fingers. There! Go say hello Open door. Went away. Why? Where? Behind. Said hello. Went away Small Cabin. Dark cabin. Why? Hand says - CABIN TICKET. Crib. Find crib Room. No crib. Room. Crib! Crib swaying. Nobody pushing. He-he, funny crib Room. Go crib. Child crying. But no child. He-he, funny child Crib. Ticket! Take Ticket. Exit, where? Tired >> ACQUIRED : Another Chance Ticket >> Check out yourself if a success truly comes to those who keep trying Grab ankle. Scream. Who? Say hello. Where? Nobody. Tired. Exit, where? Exit, there. Go exit. Forest, why? Door, why? Tired. Go door Where? Stairs, why? Up? Down? Where? Hand says - ROOT HOLE. Down. Stairs? Jump? Tired. Jump
Fall down. Fall up. He-he, funny jump Hole, why? Hand says - ROOT HOLE. Jump? Come back. Climb? Need vine Vine, where? No vine. Root hole, how? Hand says - PLATFORM JUMP. Platform, invisible. How? Platform, there. Don''t see. But there. Step? Miss. Fall down. Fall up. He-he, funny jump Platform, there. Don''t see. But there. Jump? Miss. Fall down. Fall up. He-he, funny jump Platform, there. Don''t see. But there. Step back? Miss. Fall down. Fall up. He-he, funny jump Platform, there. Don''t see. But there. Roll? Miss. Fall down. Fall up. He-he, funny jump Platform, there. Don''t see. But there. Slide? Miss. Don''t miss. Stand platform Next platform, there. Don''t see. But there. Step? Miss. Fall down. Fall up. He-he, funny jump
Final platform, there. Don''t see. But there. Step back, roll, turn, run in air. Miss? Don''t miss. Stand platform. Why? Shiny, there! Go shiny. Bridge there. Don''t see, but there. Take shiny >> ACQUIRED : Leaf of Absence >> In an absence of hope, no sacrifice is too big to bring it back Shiny, Tasty? Eat shiny? Hand says - LEAF DON''T EAT. Leaf, pocket Bridge, not there. Was there, now not. Falling down. Not falling up. Keep falling down. Keep falling. Keep falling
Where? Nothing. Why? Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice. Why? Pedestal? Why? Nothing on pedestal. Put Something? Don''t have Something. Why? Something, where? Tasty! Behind pedestal. Eat Tasty? Hand say? Hand don''t say. He-he, hand stupid. Eat Tasty! >> ACQUIRED : Pattienson [???] *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> WISDOM : (E) : 8 + 100 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WISDOM : (E) : 108 >> ACQUIRED : Seed of Awaiting [???] *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> WISDOM : (E) + (1) : 108 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WISDOM : (D) : 108 >> SPEED : (F) - (1) : 4 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (G) : 4 Slow. Tired. Hand say - USE TICKET. Why? Don''t want. Tired. Stay here. Nice here. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice She not here. Sad. She where? She? Who? Sad. Why? Hand say - USE TICKET. Going. Why?
Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice
Keep going. Where? Don''t care Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Want to keep going Forever
Now Loading......... S1E10 - Ill make my CHOICE, of which Im certain S1E10 - I''ll make my CHOICE, of which I''m certain
The loading times are not really that long - it''s just that the rest of the game is too fast
... Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice Going. Where? Nothing. Dark. Cold. Quiet. Nice *bonk* Bonk? Why? Tasty! Tasty falls down! From where? Don''t care! Tasty bonks me! Stupid Tasty! Eat Tasty! >> ACQUIRED : Pearseverance [???] *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> WILLPOWER : (F) : 7 + 200 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WILLPOWER : (F) : 207 >> ACQUIRED : Seed of Keep Calm [???] *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> WILLPOWER : (F) + (1) : 207 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WILLPOWER : (E) : 207 Heh-heh, big mistake, Tasty! Bonks me, but why so tasty? Know better next time Going. Where? Wait. Door is here. Why? Not going. Check door Funny door. Door is here, but walls are not here. Nothing is here, but door is here. Funny door. Open Room behind door. Why? Funny room. Small room. Empty room. Door on the left says - EXIT. Door in front don''t say anything. Go EXIT? Something else. Hole. Hole in the wall next to the door. Door still don''t say anything. Hole says - PRESENT TICKET. Ticket? Don''t know Hand says - USE TICKET. Still don''t know. Ticket, where? Go back, look for ticket?
Funny ticket. Hiding in my pocket. Door says - PRESENT TICKET. Present Door opens. Going? Strange feeling. Been here. Not before. Not me. Who? Funny feeling
You enter a small room illuminated by a pale light of unknown origin. As you look around an empty space surrounded by walls, you fail to notice anything worth mentioning - save a single fancy cord, hanging from the ceiling right in front of you. This is, understandably, not quite what you were expecting to find at the end of your long journey, so you take a moment to contemplate your next course of action >> STANDING THERE LOOKING CONFUSED - does not qualify as a viable choice >> TRYING TO GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM - does not qualify as a viable choice >> STOMPING YOUR FEET ANGRILY - does not qualify as a viable choice >> ROLLING ON THE FLOOR SCREAMING INCOMPREHENSIBLY - does not qualify as a viable choice >> ATTEMPTING TO PUNCH THE CORD - does... qualify as pulling the cord After your fist barely misses it, the cord starts to sway and wraps around your wrist surprisingly firmly, forcing you to pull on it with all your might to break free. As you do, you hear a cheerful popping sound, and see a neatly rolled up scroll, surrounded by a colorful confetti, falling right into your hands. It looks important, so you decide to consider your options carefully >> STANDING THERE LOOKING CONFUSED - does not qualify as a viable choice >> TRYING TO GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM - does not qualify as a viable choice >> EATING THE SCROLL - does not qualify as a viable choice >> TOSSING THE SCROLL INTO YOUR POCKET - does not qualify as a viable choice >> ATTEMPTING TO THROW AWAY THE SCROLL - does qualify as unfolding the scroll Following your keen instincts, you decide to throw a scroll against the nearest wall as hard as you can - only to watch it bounce several times off of every surface it can reach, change trajectory midair, and land right on your face with a rather violent sound. Since all that jumping around managed to unfold the scroll in the process, you don''t seem to have any other choice but to read its contents
WELCOME BACK, DEAR CUSTOMER!! We are extremely delighted by the fact that You have chosen to use our humble Express Rebirth Service again! Without a doubt, it shows remarkable strength of Your character that urges You to refuse any compromise on Your way to achieve absolute perfection - but we also hope that the high quality of services that we provide played a small part in Your well-thought-out decision to return. Our team takes pride in sparing no effort towards constantly improving an overall rebirth process, all just to make sure that You will have the most pleasant experience - hand-tailored specifically to your needs! And, on that note - let''s see what we are working with this time, shall we? >> ENDURANCE : (E) >> STRENGTH : (E) >> SPEED : (G) >> PERCEPTION : (F) >> FOCUS : (C) >> COORDINATION : (E) >> MEMORY : (F) >> INTELLECT : (G) >> INTUITION : (D) >> WILLPOWER : (E) >> BRAVERY : (D) >> WISDOM : (D) ... Now, if that isn''t a perfect display of an outstanding talent, we don''t know what is! But still, even this masterpiece can use a little tinkering We know with an absolute certainty that, as a repeat customer, You are perfectly familiar with every single detail of an upcoming procedure! But if you, please, just allow us to briefly go over the main points once again, we would be most grateful. Safety protocols, as You surely understand The Rebirth Process will start as soon as you step through the door marked NEXT that will appear on the wall directly in front of you momentarily. If, for some reason, You changed Your mind and decided to postpone the procedure, you can simply go through the door marked EXIT that will appear on the wall to you left at the same time When you go through the NEXT door, you will be transported to the CHOICE room, with a SKIP door in front and EXT door to the left - but You will have no time to pay attention to any of that!! Because to the right, below a number corresponding to that particular room, you will see one of our own amazingly exciting super-secret proprietary inventions - CHOICE MAKING DEVICE!! You will have to interact with the DEVICE in order to MAKE a CHOICE, which will surely bring you one step closer to an even more perfect version of Yourself (very hard to imagine). After the CHOICE has been MADE, You will immediately notice a spectacular change within!! Congratulations!! If You are satisfied with those results, just use the EXIT door and enjoy Your new life, filled with countless benefits from you hard rebirthing labor! In case, however, that You still want to make a few adjustments - simply proceed to the NEXT room through the NEXT door that will mysteriously replace the SKIP door, and try out other versions of our CHOICE MAKING DEVICES. A true prodigy (such as Yourself) can always appreciate an endless journey of self-improvement!! On the off chance that You are dissatisfied with a specific DEVICE presented in the room (extremely unlikely), You can always use the SKIP door before interacting with the DEVICE to avoid this particular CHOICE MAKING and try Your luck with the NEXT DEVICE in the NEXT room. Please, remember, however, that You can only use SKIP door 8 (eight) times in total, before this door stops appearing altogether NEXT door will appear as scheduled in every room You complete CHOICE MAKING process. Also, no door can be used after interacting with the DEVICE and before MAKING the CHOICE. Again, safety protocols To make the DEVICE easily identifiable even before interacting with it, the color of each room made to correspond with the type of the CHOICE MAKING DEVICE installed in it. A person of Your caliber has, without a doubt, already etched all the color coding information right into the depths of Your vast and peculiar mind, so we honestly feel that our efforts in compiling it into an easy-to-follow diagram below is entirely wasted! GREEN ROOM - does not actually...
You tear the scroll off your face, flip it aside and look around once again. What the message said appears to be true - there are two new doors in the room - the one on the left that says EXIT, and the one in front of you that says NEXT. This time around, the option seems to be fairly obvious, so you don''t feel like thinking too hard about it >> GOING THROUGH EXIT DOOR ... >> GOING THROUGH EXIT DOOR ... >> GOING THROUGH EXIT DOOR........ does qualify as a viable choice As you go in the direction of the door that leads you out of this whole situation, you suddenly feel the surge of curiosity - what intriguing novelties that NEXT door might be hiding? You pause for a moment to ponder >> STILL GOING THROUGH EXIT DOOR You take another step towards the exit, when a peculiar idea arrives at your mind - what if the plates on those doors were switched by some devious prankster, and the NEXT door is an actual EXIT door? Baffled by the possibility, you stop to think >> GOING THROUGH EXIT DOOR ANYWAY Determined to leave, you realize that the weather outside is a complete mystery to you at the moment. Bringing an umbrella along might prove useful, just in case of a rainy occasion. The room you''re currently in is empty - but perhaps the NEXT room could have some sort of storage, filled to the brim with umbrellas and raincoats. If anything, it''s something to consider >> DASHING THROUGH EXIT DOOR AT FULL SPEED You run towards the EXIT door like it''s your long-lost lover suddenly appearing in front of you again - your infatuation with it is so great, that you can''t seem to bear to spend even another second apart. But as soon as you take another step, you slip on the floor and land right on your face with full momentum. The sound of that collision was pretty nasty - some professional medical attention might not be completely unnecessary. Maybe there''s a medic behind the NEXT door, who knows? >> ROLLING ON THE FLOOR SCREAMING INCOMPREHENSIBLY - does not qualify as a viable choice >> STOMPING YOUR FEET ANGRILY - does not qualify as a viable choice >> ATTEMPTING TO PUNCH AN UNEXISTING ENTITY - does not qualify as a viable choice >> MAKING THREATS TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR - does not qualify as a viable choice >> CALLING AN EMPTY SPACE A BUNCH OF NAMES - does not qualify as a viable choice >> FLIPPING A BIRD TO SOMEONE WHO ISN''T EVEN THERE - does not qualify as a viable choice >> STANDING THERE LOOKING CONFUSED - does not qualify as a viable choice, but you''re getting somewhere >> GOING THROUGH NEXT DOOR BECAUSE FUCK IT - does seem like an interesting idea You drag your feet to the NEXT door with great vigor and slowly open it, as if to savor every moment of the beginning of your new adventure. A gushing wave of enthusiasm makes you unable to hide your anticipation - and you roll your eyes extra hard to indicate your excitement. You rise your middle finger once again in a triumphant yet playful gesture, finally step through the door and slam it shut behind you
You enter a room similar in size to the one you''ve just been in, filled with GOLDen light, reassuring you that, at the end of the day, no choice is really wrong. Number 0 is written on the wall to your right. Below it, you see a table with a small box of intricate design on top of it. SKIP (8) door is right in front of you. And EXIT door is here as well. To your left, if you absolutely must know You quickly realize that eyeballing EXIT door will not do you any good, and step towards the table ... Any minute now ... As you move closer, you come to the conclusion that this peculiar box must be the CHOICE MAKING DEVISE that the instructions mentioned before. The most obvious assumption about the nature of the CHOICE presented to you in this particular room would be that the way you attempt to open the box will present a significant meaning in determining the outcome. Remembering all the steps you took before arriving to this room, you wonder if taking a somewhat forceful approach would be... >> GRABBING THE BOX AND REPEATEDLY SMASHING IT OVER YOUR HEAD - does qualify as attempting to open the box forcefully The box shatters to peaces, revealing a shining sky-blue orb within. It floats for a second in front of you, before producing a small fountain of sparks and then disappearing along with it. Cheerful sound echoes through the room, informing you that the CHOICE has been MADE >> STRENGTH : (E) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú STRENGTH : (D) More or less grasping the main idea behind an overall process that you''re supposed to go through in this intriguing maze, you move through the NEXT door that has indeed replaced the door marked SKIP (8)
The BRONZE glow that fills this next room makes you think that, sometimes, it is necessary to take a step back in order to move forward. Below a number 61 to your right you notice a stone pedestal with a familiar blue orb presented on it. Directly above it is a huge chunk of obsidian hanging from the ceiling on a rusted chain. As you take a step closer, the chain suddenly snaps, and enormous black mass starts falling down, threatening to destroy undoubtedly important orb. You''re not really sure if you can manage to snatch the prize in time, without getting hurt in the process >> STANDING THERE LOOKING CONFUSED - does qualify as giving up on trying to grab the orb in time During the time you''ve been incredibly busy picking your nose, the chunk made its way towards the pedestal - and shattered to dust upon contact. It appears that this particular sort of obsidian is uncharacteristically brittle. The blue orb rolls from the pedestal into your hands - and disappears shortly after, with a sound no less cheerful than that you''ve already heard before >> WISDOM : (D) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WISDOM : (C) >> SPEED : (G) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (G) It seems that your surprisingly wise approach at decision-making will have to compensate for your obvious lack in the swiftness department You take a careful aim at a non-existing direction, and fling the freshly harvested content of your left nostril with great momentum. As your vicious attack fails to reach its target - whatever it was, - you click your tongue and stomp through the NEXT door
BRONZE light of the current room makes you wonder if every victory requires a certain level of sacrifice. On the right, below number 72, you notice a small hole in the wall - its depths, shrouded in darkness, might conceal a valuable treasure within. If you have the courage to explore it, that is >> TRYING TO STICK YOUR DICK INTO THE HOLE - does qualify as trying to stick your hand into the hole As you brazenly try to, for whatever reason, present your private part to a full public view you have a slight jamming accident with your pants. Treacherous zipper doing a solid number on your flaccid member provides you with no small amount of pain - which you stoically endure by rolling on the floor and enriching your vocabulary with new and exciting words you''ve just made up. Immediately after you vision comes back into focus, you jump back on your feet, shove your hand into the hole, grab whatever is inside - and try to throw it at the unspecified object of your misguided anger. Before you manage to complete your beautiful pitching motion, sky-blue orb disappears from your hand - leaving you out of ammo on your path of vengeance. Cheerful sound does make it hurt a little less, though >> BRAVERY : (D) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (C) >> INTELLECT : (G) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (G) You loudly recite all the new words you just came up with several times in an attempt to preserve those linguistic masterpieces in your memory - and kick open the NEXT door
This refreshing shade of BRONZE helps you make peace with the fact that every failure is a foundation of a new success. Below a number 66 you see a stone statue sticking out of the wall - with a vague resemblance to a giant orc head. In its wide open mouth, which is big enough for you to fit into without crouching, you notice a box with a label that clearly says EMPTY ANYWAY >> IRONICALLY ACTING LIKE AN ANNOYING TOURIST - is still annoying, and also does qualify as stepping into statue''s mouth You lean forward, placing your neck within the reach of stone jaws - your face twisted in a futile attempt to display some form of joyful horror, and your hands energetically gesturing in a no less futile attempt at bringing attention of any potential audience to your obvious absence of acting abilities. No one is impressed - it''s clearly obvious that you''re capable of surviving indefinitely even without your empty head. Your blatant unoriginality in composing a creative shot, however, seems to offend the inorganic apparition, as its jaws begin their movement to slam the stone maw shut - but not before spitting out the aforementioned box from within its depths. Hit with the unexpected prize right in the forehead, you fall on your back, elegantly avoiding razor-sharp fangs you pretended to be terrified by just a moment ago. The box falls down shortly afterward, opening up in the process - just to reveal what the label was saying to be absolutely true. Actually ironic is the fact that the real treasure - old familiar orb - was hidden beneath the lower jaw, which is now lifted itself off the ground to provide easier access to your sky-blue friend >> COORDINATION : (E) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú COORDINATION : (D) >> INTELLECT : (G) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (G) You kick the empty box and add a few more gems to your evergrowing vocabulary after it bounces off the wall and hits you on the head one more time. This colloquial exercise is suddenly interrupted by your own refreshingly non-ironic laughter, which accompanies you on your way through the NEXT door
A pale SILVER light which envelops you upon the entrance seems to whisper that there might be points in time where only one course of action is truly correct. You realize that the blue spherical booty does not want to play coy this time around - it''s laying on the floor in plain sight right below number 25. To avoid making things too easy, the wall in front of you disappear as you move closer - replaced by, for the lack of a better term, a giant pair of boobs. The fleshy menace quickly closing in on you from above, living you little time to make a decision - retreat, or stand your ground at the risk of being swallowed by this shapely avalanche >> IT''S GIGA-MOTORBOAT TIME!! - does qualify as trying to stand your ground, why not? Steeling your resolve with thunderous battle cry, you leap towards those looming mounds - just to vanish without a trace in the mysterious space between them. Long and arduous battle that followed, concealed from any and all onlookers, was only evident by loud rumbling noises and foolish giggling. In the end, you emerged victorious - with the orb in hand, looking significantly battered and extremely satisfied. The precious trophy quickly disappears before you even have the time to wipe that oh-right-it-was-also-there expression off your face >> INTELLECT : (G) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (G) >> BRAVERY : (C) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (B) >> STRENGTH : (E) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú STRENGTH : (D) Your newfound inspiration helps you compose a March of an Absolute Victory, and you whistle it on the road to the NEXT adventure
Since you''ve entered this GARNET-colored room, the idea of reaffirming your core motivation before taking any definitive action just couldn''t leave your head. The pedestal on the right supports a highly-detailed statue of a dragon - big enough to almost completely cover number 141 on the wall behind it. In its half-open mouth, the winged creature holds a round object that does not require any further introduction by this point >> PRETENDING TO BE A RODEO DRIVER - does qualify as interacting with the statue You straddle the neck of a mighty fire breather, rock your body back and forth and flail your arms and legs around, indicating that you are definitely about to fall down. Which you actually do - as soon as the statue you''ve been riding disappears from underneath you. Cheerful sound that emphasizes your far-from-elegant landing lets you know that, sometimes, interacting with the DEVICE is the CHOICE in and of itself >> WILLPOWER : (E) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WILLPOWER : (D) >> BRAVERY : (B) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (C) >> WISDOM : (C) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WISDOM : (D) Nothing else to do here - except to applaud a surprising amount of self-restrain you displayed by not choosing to try and put anything in the dragon''s mouth. You congratulate yourself by falling on your knees with an expression of utter despair from perfectly wasted opportunity, repeatedly hitting the floor with your fists and occasionally glancing at the place where the statue used to be with some sort of hopeful longing. Your acting range is improving significantly, but the dragon isn''t coming back any time soon. Moving on
This GARNET-colored room puts you in the mood of going back to basics before advancing to any new technique. The statue on the right doesn''t obstruct 137 from the view due to its unimposing posture - a sleeping nine-tailed fox that cradles in its paws... >> TRYING TO T-BAG THE STATUE - does qualify as interacting with the statue You leap towards a peaceful creature with wicked determination, kick the statue off the pedestal and start squatting on top of its head. Alas, before you can fully assume the position and make direct contact of any kind, the art piece evaporates with especially cheerful tune. Better luck next time! >> PERCEPTION : (F) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú PERCEPTION : (E) >> FOCUS : (C) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (D) >> COORDINATION : (D) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú COORDINATION : (E) Sometimes the only answer to the inevitability of the flow of time is to squat on the spot and stare into the void melancholically
EMERALD glow this time around hints that any road traveled is another road not taken. You slam your fist into the button on the wall below number 90 - and the ceiling suddenly opens up, revealing a surface of a familiar planet breathtakingly far above your head. Sense of direction becomes distorted, and you feel the urge to hold on to something in an attempt to prevent yourself from plummeting towards an unavoidable demise This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. >> FLYING TO A CERTAIN DOOM WHILE FLIPPING A DOUBLE-BIRD - does qualify as letting go You jump on the spot with both arms outstretched - dual-wielding a formidable emotional weapon in your hands, - only to land safely on your feet a few seconds later. Your lack of self-preserving tenacity seems to be overcompensated by your good memory - it is, indeed, extremely difficult to fall upwards. Good pull! >> MEMORY : (F) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (E) >> WILLPOWER : (D) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WILLPOWER : (E) ... The ceiling has closed up already, stop jumping around and get on with it!
Another EMERALD hue leaves an afterthought about a give-and-take balance. A life-sized doll seemingly made out of bone is standing beside number 88 and presenting to you a weirdly-shaped sword with its hands. As you take it and make a few overexaggerated swings, the doll comes to life and lunges at you with an obviously hostile intention. The approaching razor-sharp blade makes you consider the prospect of dodging this deadly attack >> CHOPPING THE HEAD OFF THE DOLL - does qualify as piercing the doll with the sword Avoiding the slash from the doll''s blade has been met with an unexpected obstacle - the doll does not have a blade, since it is, in fact, still in your hands. After you immediately put it to good use, the detached head of an apparition rotates a couple of times in the air, before smashing to pieces and revealing you-know-what inside. Flawless victory! >> MEMORY : (E) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (D) >> PERCEPTION : (E) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú PERCEPTION : (F) It seems that you are good at paying attention - if not to what is, then at least to what was. No, you can''t keep the sword, it''s gone already
DIAMOND haze weaves the melody about the choices that might be different but still correct all the same. A round table covered in blue cloth below number 10 has three cards on it, each one with a different picture - a jester, a builder, and a king. You''re probably expected to pick one. You think >> FLIPPING THE TABLE OVER - does still qualify as picking a Builder Card, ''cause fuck it As you attempt to literally turn the table, the cards fly all over the place - but one still somehow manages to outsmart your evasive maneuvers and land on top of your head. And it''s a Builder Card, what luck! >> MEMORY : (D) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (C) Your careful choice provides you with additional epiphany - you are absolutely certain that you have achieved all that you''ve come to this place for. But still, you''re somehow also pretty sure that the NEXT door might hold a little reward for your commendable patience
It''s bronze again, and by now - you know what it means. Street vendor stall near number 58 has only one item on display - a plate full of smoking excrement. A flashy sign over the stall assures you that it''s absolutely FREE, but this very tempting SPECIAL OFFER is extremely LIMITED. As if to prove this point, the glowing numbers appear in the air as you step closer, changing in a way that can only indicate one thing - you have but mere seconds to make a PURCHASE! The feeling of fake urgency makes it difficult to refrain. Probably >> STRIKING A WTF-EVEN-IS-THIS!? POSE - does qualify as possessing a bare minimum level of intelligence. Also, no deal The floating numbers fade, the time runs out - and if you could be bothered to check, you would''ve noticed that this precious item is, indeed, still FREE regardless. But the lack of LIMITS on this SPECIAL OFFER does not motivate even you, of all people, so none of your usual antics seem to be in order >> SPEED : (G) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (G) >> INTELLECT : (G) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (F) And now you feel to be a good time to reunite with your beloved EXIT door! A promise of her long-awaited warm embrace fills your every step with much vigor, as you... >> GOING THROUGH NEXT DOOR........ you know what, sure, go ahead You step through the NEXT door, glancing somewhere with unwarranted suspicion, as you decide to continue your journey for reasons unexplained
RUST. That means no choice is right, and that''s what covers everything in this room. Walls, ceiling, floor - and a familiar table with no less familiar intricately designed and fully rusted box below number 143. The feeling of utter despair permeates the air and corrodes your mind, assuring you of the inevitable failure no matter what you do. If only, you quietly hope, you could somehow SKIP interacting with this menacing DEVICE and... >> GRABBING THE BOX AND REPEATEDLY SMASHING IT OVER YOUR HEAD - might not bear the results you''re expecting You grab the box, but your attempt to forcibly pry it open gets interrupted by a horrifying screech - the lid of the box flies off, revealing a monstrous mouth filled with rows after rows of rusted sickle-shaped teeth. It constantly squirms, foul stench oozing from it, as if looking for the next prey to sate its hunger - and your face seems to be it. Your vision gets obstructed, and the smell becomes unbearable - try it as may to tear this creature off you, it sunk its numerous fangs deep into your flesh, covering your face with disgusting saliva and threatening to tear it off completely, sucking it deeper and deeper into the bottomless void that lies within this all-consuming maw Struggling for air, you lose consciousness - and when you come to, the creature is nowhere to be found. You cautiously touch your face, but its shape seems to be perfectly normal, to your relief >> STRENGTH : (D) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú STRENGTH : (E) You furiously shake your head several times just to be sure, and have a sudden moment of clarity - you''re just about done with this place >> GOING THROUGH NEXT DOOR - does make EXIT door feel neglected a little bit, but whatever
If anything, this SALT color suggests that, beyond a certain point, cutting your losses before SKIPPING town is the best possible decision. The sign below number 99 that says RESTRICTED AREA DO NOT APPROACH also might be trying to suggest something, but you''re already right beside it - jumping up and down and waving your hands to ensure that your presence would not go unnoticed. Commendable effort immediately pays off, as a pleasant voice coming out from somewhere above informs you about security measures that have just been deployed, and then leaves you to wonder about the exact nature of those measures - with extremely loud alarm to help stimulate your imagination. The gesture proves to be of no particular necessity - you arrive at the answer by simply looking back : the room, now mysteriously elongated into a shape of a narrow corridor, is crossed at various angles by multiple ominous-looking rays of energy. They orientation may differ, but they are perfectly aligned in the speed and direction they are moving - straight towards you, and fast. Any of these beams looks like it can easily cut you in half, but why jump to conclusions when a proper experiment can provide indisputable clarification >> BELLY-DANCING YOUR WAY THROUGH THE BEAMS - does qualify as trying to reaction-dodge incoming beams Your silly convulsions - an honest attempt to imitate some form of exotic dance - gets you, surprisingly, through almost all the rays without a single scratch. The remaining two, however, have a party trick up their sleeve as well - they briefly combine, and when split apart again, they present a grid of rays in a form of a fishnet in front of you. Before you can recall the precise number of dance moves available to a pile of neatly cut meat cubes, the net collides with you at full speed - and drags you along with it. After it slams you against a warning sign, it moves away a little - and slams you at the wall again. And again. A couple of more times. A couple of dozens more times. For good measure >> BRAVERY : (C) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (B) >> INTELLECT : (F) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (G) >> FOCUS : (D) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (E) The room returns to the original shape, the beams are gone - and even alarm has faded away, seemingly not wanting to overlap with your loud was-that-actually-it-because-I-seem-to-be-perfectly-fine snort you produce as you get back on your feet. This triumphant sound suddenly makes you think - what if that is actually it? What more do you stand to gain by staying in this bizarre maze any longer than absolutely necessary? Every NEXT room seems to be assigned at random, and, so far, you''ve been extremely lucky - but how far do you really intend to push it? You already got what you wanted, so why... >> FLIPPING A BIRD TO SOMEONE WHO ISN''T EVEN THERE - suddenly can be pretty useful in this situation As you rise your middle finger towards your own voice of reason, some barely discernible hieroglyphs covering your wrist catch your eye - incomprehensible to anybody else, their meaning does not elude you, since you''re the one who wrote them. The part that says >>> MEM=C BRV=C THEN EXIT <<< makes you realize that your own instructions suggest that using EXIT door is in order >> GOING THROUGH NEXT DOOR WHILE STILL FLIPPING A BIRD - is making EXIT door cry, you filthy cheater
The feeling of not a single option being correct tastes like MUD. Square table below 154 hosts three cards with horrific creatures depicted on them - nine-tailed beast, giant centipede, and a swarm of tentacles. None of them look particularly enticing, and there''s probably no benefit in making this CHOICE altogether >> GRABBING ALL THE CARDS AND TRYING TO EAT THEM - does qualify as picking the first card you touch Which is the tentacle one. The room is gone, by the way - and so are the light and the sound. You look around, but there''s nothing but dark, cold, oppressing emptiness, consuming your whole being like a giant belly of an indifferent monster. Above you, far beyond any possible reach, you notice a faint shimmering, barely visible through what seems to be a quiet surface of water - but even that glimmer of fake hope brings no relief, as the enormous tentacle that suddenly grabs you starts pulling your deeper and deeper, towards its horrifying source. Slimy protrusion envelops your body, rendering futile any attempt to wrestle out of its deadly grasp, slowly squeezing the air out of your lungs, twisting your limps, crushing your bones. The unfazed void swallows the remains of your scream, washes away the blood that''s oozing from every pore of your body - and provides the only company for your never-ending descent to your soon-to-be much desired gruesome end >> ENDURANCE : (E) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú ENDURANCE : (F) When you notice that you are back in the room again, the freshly experienced soul-crushing eternity makes you spend a little more time than usual getting back on your feet. You take this opportunity to re-evaluate your life CHOICES seriously, for once, and consider the following - no irreversible changes that might nullify all your previous efforts have occurred as of yet, but you can tell with the utmost certainty that this lucky streak can not sustain itself indefinitely. You''ve made your point, you say to yourself, whatever that point might have been - it''s time to welcome a somewhat broader perspective on this whole situation. You have places to be, things to do - and wasting time on this weird obstacle course is not one of them. You think >> STANDING THERE LOOKING UNBEARABLY SMUG - is pretty much self-explanatory As indicated by obnoxious fecaloconsuming grin plastered across your face, logic is completely powerless against your misdirected defiance. Your grudge has no specific target, your beef has no clearly defined opponent - yet you still choose to press on with your pointless rebellion. Throwing away the results of all your struggles up until now like it''s nothing, getting thrown who knows how far behind even the point you started at, needlessly charging again and again through self-perpetuating string of failures - all of that holds no plausible meaning for just about anybody else but you. Or maybe you''re hoping that this meaning will somehow present itself after this unnecessary fight is over, miraculously emerging from within whatever outcome all of this brings - who can tell, really? You''ve made up your mind, what''s left is just to go through with it Jumping into every unwinnable battle like a complete idiot is your specialty, after all >> SKIPPING CHEERFULLY THROUGH NEXT DOOR - does not bother EXIT door in the slightest, she moved on at this point
The color is MAGENTA because you don''t feel like putting any actual effort. The festive fortune wheel with 159 in the middle isn''t worth describing in detail - you''re just going to spin it before the explanation is over anyway >> FUCK YEAH I''M GONNA!! - isn''t even an action. You''re just talking to yourself for whatever reason You grab the wheel with both hands, latch on, and spin together with it at nauseating speed. After the fun time is over, the room seems to be still spinning, and you feel sick >> STRENGTH : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú STRENGTH : (D) >> SPEED : (G) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (B) >> FOCUS : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (D) >> COORDINATION : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú COORDINATION : (G) >> INTELLECT : (G) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (E) >> INTUITION : (D) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTUITION : (E) >> BRAVERY : (B) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (G) >> WISDOM : (D) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WISDOM : (E) Funny feeling you have - if you had someone tagging along on this journey of yours, now would be the perfect time for this hypothetical companion to leave you to your own devices, and wish you the best of luck, you stubborn idiot. Really funny, since, from the very beginning, you''ve been completely on your own As you will - and, perhaps, shall - be from now on >> NEXT DOOR BABYYYY!! - even though it''s over, EXIT door is still somehow rooting for you
... ... ...
The RAIN always puts you into a restless mood, and today is no exception. You step away from the window and start pacing around the room in a desperate attempt to calm down that indescribable urge that seems to grow stronger within you with every passing minute. After a while, it finally takes form - it is hunger that you''re feeling, and your kitchen swiftly transforms into a scene of pure mayhem, as you try to sate it with anything even remotely edible you can find. None of the food you have seems to agree with your stomach, though, and after a brief visit to the toilet, you start feverishly pacing again. The hunger grows, it becomes overwhelming - and then it starts to hurt. More and more, until you can no longer bear it - almost driven mad, you bite into your own arm in order to suppress inhuman scream that was about to fill your mouth. What fills it, instead, is the taste of your blood, providing a long sought-after answer to the question of what exactly you''ve been craving for - and you bite harder, sinking your teeth deeper into delicious flesh You can finally have your fill >> ENDURANCE : (A) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú ENDURANCE : (B) >> STRENGTH : (G) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú STRENGTH : (F) >> SPEED : (B) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (A)
Those RUBY-colored drapes are easy to remember - a very useful trait, since things here tend to repeat themselves if you don''t pay attention This place really have the way of getting under one''s skin - but thanks to its eerie nature, you''ve managed to give a slip to your annoying pursuers. Those sorry bastards are probably stuck running in circles somewhere deep in this maze - those of them who are still alive, anyway. Which wouldn''t be too many, proving again that you still haven''t lost your touch. Too bad about the old man, he was pretty useful all in all, but what else could you have done - he was starting to slow you down, and you can''t afford to waste any time. Not here, not in this place - you need to get through as soon as possible and always, always, always pay attention. Only a little bit more, and this will become just another story to tell, but for now - new room is just around the corner, so don''t let anything distract you. Focus, observe, pay attention, make absolutely sure that you haven''t been in a room like that before - and only then proceed, without forgetting to take a mental note. Something noticeable will do Those RUBY-colored drapes are easy to remember - a very useful trait, since things here tend to repeat themselves if you don''t pay attention >> ENDURANCE : (S) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú ENDURANCE : (S) >> PERCEPTION : (F) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú PERCEPTION : (E) >> MEMORY : (B) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (C)
At first, it was just fun watching it fall. Grain after grain, the pile of SAND was getting bigger - its shape utterly devoid of any noteworthy features, yet somehow you were so sure that, eventually, it will form into something interesting. As the size of the pile grew larger, its formless nature remained unchanged - still, you kept watching it, convincing yourself that this amount of sand simply has to amount to at least something in the end. When the resistance to wishful self-suggestions became high enough, you decided to give it shape with your own hands - your vivid imagination provided you with no shortage of possible options. Failures did not discourage you too much, but after noticing that even those few attempts that could probably be called successful were swept away by a constant stream of falling grains, you realized that moving as far away as possible and starting anew might as well be your only solution - but by then you were stuck to deep in the sand. The evergrowing pile weighting down on you, you tried to stop any additional sand from falling - but inevitable grains were sifting through fingers, until they eventually covered you whole And then this pile finally took the form it was building towards from the very beginning >> STRENGTH : (D) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú STRENGTH : (B) >> SPEED : (A) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (D) >> FOCUS : (SS) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (A) >> COORDINATION : (F) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú COORDINATION : (SS) >> INTELLECT : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (F) >> INTUITION : (G) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTUITION : (E) >> BRAVERY : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (G) >> WISDOM : (B) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WISDOM : (E)
... ... ...
This guy is definitely up to no good. PHLOX-colored jumpsuit is one thing, weird mask is another - but chopping you in half with a giant blade is what seals the deal, really. You''ll have enough time to think about how exactly are you still alive later, but for now you - the upper half of you - are frantically crawling up the stairs to the door leading out of the basement. Your escape cut short, however, when you are just a few steps away - you can feel someone placing foot on your shoulder, pushing you down the depths it took you so much effort to climb up from. You look up and realize that your lower half had a similar idea - your detached legs are making their way towards the doorway, using you as a literal stepping stone in the process. You can hear heavy breathing dangerously close, and, before you''re dragged somewhere unspeakable, only one thought has enough time to cross your mind It swings inside - and I''m the half with the arms, you idiot >> STRENGTH : (S) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú STRENGTH : (B) >> SPEED : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (A) >> FOCUS : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (S) >> COORDINATION : (D) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú COORDINATION : (E) >> INTELLECT : (B) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (S) >> INTUITION : (A) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTUITION : (E) >> BRAVERY : (S) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (E) >> WISDOM : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WISDOM : (D)
Those SAPPHIRE eyes were the most memorable part of the photo that went viral today - but that''s not what held your attention. Despite being the best photograph of him - it - so far, the quality is still terrible - but, despite that, you recognize those features. You saw it before, most definitely - but going through all your family members and friends in your mind does not connect the face with any particular person. Regardless, the fact that you might be acquainted with it makes you sick - the reports omit almost all the details, but even in their mildest form they leave no room for doubt about the true nature of this horrifying monster. That thing is not human - it just looks like one, but that just makes all those atrocities it commits even more revolting. But who is it? If it''s not anybody you know, it must be someone you see often enough - and you desperately grasp at the face of every passerby on your way home. What if it walks beside me everyday on my way to work? What if it rides the same train? What if it watches me right now? What if it knows? The safety of your own home brings you little relief - you can still feel the oppressive gaze, even after checking all the locks for the umpteen time. You skip dinner and go straight to bed after brushing your teeth. As you trying to get at least a wink of sleep, you promise yourself to order some additional furniture tomorrow After all, it is pretty inconvenient to not have a single mirror in the house >> PERCEPTION : (F) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú PERCEPTION : (G) >> MEMORY : (F) - (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (G) >> WILLPOWER : (A) + (1) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WILLPOWER : (S)
All that this PURPLE radio produces is a static noise - yet you''ve been listening to it for several hours without a break. Your mind keeps wandering off, but you don''t get bored, as you keep looking for obviously nonexistent patterns within those random acoustic fluctuations. Started as silly entertainment, those fruitless efforts now transformed themselves into a competitive sport - the results might be unobtainable by definition, but your determination to achieve them is anything but real. So much so, that you don''t even get surprised when you finally find what you''ve been looking for - the usual chaos suddenly reveals a hidden layer of structural integrity that brings all that seemingly meaningless information together. Patterns emerge one after another, and you break into a cold sweat - this is no longer just noise to you, you can understand it. It''s a message, and it''s saying something to you - and you know exactly what that something is That is, indeed, what she said >> STRENGTH : (R) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú STRENGTH : (U) >> SPEED : (U) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (R) >> FOCUS : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (V) >> COORDINATION : (V) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú COORDINATION : (E) >> INTELLECT : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (N) >> INTUITION : (N) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTUITION : (E) >> BRAVERY : (I) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (N) >> WISDOM : (N) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WISDOM : (I)
... ... ...
This EVERGREEN wall paint sure takes forever to dry. As you stare at it slowly doing so, you realize that your stream of thoughts finally run out of places to flow to - and you stop your thinking completely. You don''t know how long it''s been since then - you don''t think about time at all, which makes it self-evident to you that the commonly accepted idea of time progression is nothing more than an illusionary construct of feeble mind struggling to comprehend the concept of anything happening without tying it up to a primitive before-after relativity scale first. All those countless versions of the ever-changing universe exist simultaneously as standalone portions of a unified complexity - if we weren''t so busy trying to label those portions with corresponding moments, assign a specific number to each of them, and rearrange those numbers into a linear sequence, it would become clear to us that the time is a purely fictional entity. Understanding of that simple fact fills you with indescribable sense of inner peace - the feeling that gets unceremoniously interrupted by a sudden realization that in some portions of the great unified complexity this damn wall paint never gets dry This idea terrifies you, and you decide to start thinking again >> STRENGTH : (S) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú STRENGTH : (G) >> SPEED : (A) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (S) >> INTELLECT : (G) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (E) >> INTUITION : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTUITION : (A)
Something is definitely off with this toothpaste. The taste is too loud, for starters - enough to hurt your ears, and the pitch is horribly unpleasant to boot. The color is clogging up your nostrils with the smell of old MOCCASINs, and the sound it makes when it grinds against your teeth tastes like bacon fried in a kitchen soap. The smell that fills the bathroom is very squishy and slimy on the surface with something obviously hard underneath - and that disgusting texture keeps flashing so brightly and randomly that it hurts your eyes and makes you squint. You conclude the overall experience with a resolute thought that marketing department surely hit the jackpot when naming this product It''s hard to imagine a more fitting name for this paste >> PERCEPTION : (B) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú PERCEPTION : (G) >> FOCUS : (F) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (B) >> COORDINATION : (G) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú COORDINATION : (F)
DUST. It covers everything - the tired ground, the withered trees, the ruined buildings, the broken cars. Even the sky is seemingly covered with it, filled with dust-colored heavy clouds, frozen in place and completely blocking the sun. The whole world is like that - you made sure to take a proper look when you were still traveling around. There was nothing else to do, since all that wandering was in vain - not a single living soul could be found, no matter how hard you tried. You are the only one remaining - since you came to terms with that fact, you''ve just been standing here, pondering about any possible reason as to why. No sound interrupts your thoughts, no movement, not even slightest gust of wind - this unchanging world shows no affection for its last inhabitant. You look back on the still - and forever - untouched traces you left when you came here, hoping to enjoy at least some proactive addition to this unmoving scenery - and notice that footsteps are facing the wrong direction. Whether you were walking backwards or simply put on your shoes the wrong way, remains a mystery - as you look down, you don''t see anyone in the place where your very being is supposed to be. Next, you start looking around in a hurry, but quickly give up - there''s nobody to double-check it with anyway It appears that whoever was here has left a long time ago >> ENDURANCE : (F) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú ENDURANCE : (F) >> PERCEPTION : (A) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú PERCEPTION : (A) >> MEMORY : (D) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (D) >> WILLPOWER : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WILLPOWER : (E)
... ... ...
You step into a room that is clearly different from those you traveled through so far - for starters, there''s no SKIP, NEXT, or EXIT door anywhere in sight. In fact, since the one behind you disappeared, as per usual, there are no doors in this room at all, and any sort of DEVICE also fails to make an appearance. Number 256 is on the wall in front, and a fancy cord is hanging from the ceiling not far from where you stand - otherwise, the room is completely empty >> LET''S GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH AND PULL THAT FUCKING CORD The colorful confetti isn''t accompanied by any scrolls this time around, so it just slowly falls on your head to the tune of joyful melody. Giant glowing letters form a word CONGRATULATIONS above the number 256, the melody stops, and you hear a voice coming from somewhere above you ¡º...I''m telling you, man - it''s aaaall in the grind! Seriously, you''re, like, rushing too much, there''s no timer on this thing. Just take your time, explore a bit, get some useful... Wait, what the... Eh? Eh!? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!!??¡» You hear a loud sound, usually produced by a person falling off the chair, followed by a series of panic-induced noises ¡ºDude, somebody''s, like, here!!... No, in the room!!... Yes, that one, what other rooms... How should I know!? That never happened before, what do I do!?... Are you nuts, I can''t do that!!... Forget it, I''ll call you back!!... Shit-shit-sit, what do I do!? What-do-I-do-what-do-I-do-what-what-do-I-do-what-do-I-do-what-do-I-GWEH!!¡» You hear another loud sound, usually produced by a person falling off the chair again, followed by a series of extreme panic-induced noises ¡º...Right, the script, where is it!?... Is that thing working? Erm, um, h-hello? C-can you, like, h-hear me? Probably he can, anyway, here goes nothing... Ahem!! Any staff member that has been outside of direct observation for the period exceeding 3 cycles and displays symptoms of Reality Questioning, has the urge to Disappear At Any Moment, or behaves in any other way that is not included in the Standard Safety Patterns during Restabilization, should be immediately transferred to the Existence Affirmation Unit without... Erm, eh, wah? Ah.¡» You hear a loud sound of a person sitting in the chair completely frozen in horror, followed by an ultimate panic-induced silence ¡ºWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! Shit-shit-shit, fucku-fuck-fuck, fuck-shit-fuck-shit-fuuuuuuuck!! I''m so screwed, now what do I do!? Fuck, I''m so totally getting reassinged now! And it''s such a good place too, why did he had to go and pop up out of nowhere? Wait, I know! I should just, like, kill him and pretend that nothing happened! It''s totally his fault anyway, and... Oh, this thing is still working, shit! Erm, um, h-hello? Y-you probably still can h-hear me, right? Look, I read you the wrong page, and it''s, like, super secret stuff, and supervisor''s gonna be totally angry, for sure, and I don''t wanna get, like, transferred to some Room Maintenance, or something, and I was totally kidding about killing you, by the way, so can you, like, forget about everything you heard, because, you see, you''ll be, like, totally helping me out here, man, and also...¡» You have a feeling that it''s going to take a while
¡ºA-a-ahem!! Congratulations on Your outstanding achievement, Dear Customer!! You have fully completed the course that we at Express Rebirth Service have prepared for you, proving once again that our clients can truly be considered an absolute pinnacle of perfection! Through the whole duration of this procedure you demonstrated an unbending dedication in pursuing you personal goals and, do I, like, have to read all of this? It''s, like, three pages long, man, I''m totally tired from just flipping through them! But, dude, you really went through all the rooms, huh? I mean, I kinda know you did, that''s how you got here, but still, that''s, like, wild, man! Nobody''s, like, done it before, I hear it super hard, or something! You must really want them stats, man, or I don''t know. Oh, right, lets check your final results real quick!¡» >> ENDURANCE : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (E) >> STRENGTH : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (E) >> SPEED : (G) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (G) >> PERCEPTION : (F) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (F) >> FOCUS : (C) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (C) >> COORDINATION : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (E) >> MEMORY : (F) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (F) >> INTELLECT : (G) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (G) >> INTUITION : (D) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (D) >> WILLPOWER : (E) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (E) >> BRAVERY : (D) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (D) >> WISDOM : (D) ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú (D) ¡º.......................Pfffffa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!! What the fuck, maaaaaaan, that''s, like, totally super funny! You, like, went trough all this shit, and it''s, like, the same as before? Pffft, how do you even, like, I don''t know! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Seriously, that''s fucking hilarious, can''t wait to tell everybody at the... erm, uuuuh, heh-heh! Too bad, huh? Heh-heh-heh! Weeeell, don''t worry about it, you can, like, pffft, totally try again if you want, man! Just get another ticket and, like... hey, waaaait-a-mmminit! I have to, like, totally give you this super-special Unlimited Pass, since you, like, did the whole thing and all! So now you can, like, try as many times as you want, or whatever (Ц)! Where was it again... Hmm? Hold on a sec, I got a call... Yes, hello? Eh? Y-yes... H-he''s, like, right here and... N-no, I was just... Huh? But he did the whole thing and... W-well, I can''t just... Eh? Y-yes... But instructions... U-huh... U-huh... U-huh... U-huh... U-huh... U-huh... U-huh... U-huh... Oooooh!... U-huh... Rally?... U-huh... U-huh... U-huh...¡» There was 96 U-HUHs in total before this conversation was finally over ¡ºSoooooooooooo, like, listen, man, here''s the thing, OK? I, like, totally have to give you this special ticket, but I was just in this group call, you see, and my supervisor was, like, there, you know, and then Maintenance guy was, like, really angry for some reason, and then they were, like, arguing about something with the chick from Security, and Legal dude was saying something, and then the supervisor of my supervisor left to talk to his, like, supervisor, and then they said that I, like, have to talk you into trading this Unlimited Pass thingy for some other stuff, so you''re, like, totally cool with it, right? I mean, like, that other thing is also totally awesome, you know, and you''re, like, super chill, so erm, um, uuuuum, here!!¡» A prestigious-looking diploma appears in the air right in front of you face, and you can see that it says CERTIFICATE OF PERFECTION. Should you take it, you wander, or try to re-negotiate? >> WHO THE FUCK CARES AT THIS POINT You grab the piece of paper, notice that the cheerful sound has a subtle note of extra-relief, and see the glowing CONGRATULATIONS change into FINALIZING RESULTS, then BUILD SUCCESSFUL, and finally ENJOY!!!, as your surroundings start to become blurry ¡ºOh, hey, thanks, man!! You''re, like, amazing, you know! Anyway, what the fuck did you do in there, dude, the Maintenance guy was, like, flipping out for real, and he said that next time he sees you... Oh, wait, you''re leaving, huh? Bye-bye!!¡» You feel your consciousness slipping away somewhere, and realize that this particular journey has finally come to its end. Whatever is waiting for you next, you just want to wish yourself the best of luck, sincerely this time No hard feelings ¡º...Hey, man, I know it''s, like, a lot to ask, but you''re, like, actually super chill, so I was thinking - can you, like, remember me? I mean, you''re totally real, like, REAL-real, you know, and I heard that when someone, like, proper REAL knows that you exist, you totally can''t disappear, no kidding... and that sounds... like... nice, you know... so maybe you could... I don''t know...¡» The quiet mumbling fades in the distance, and you feel like you''re slowly falling in all directions at once
>> TITLE ACQUIRED : Naturalborn Idiot >> All those effort you''ve spent just to arrive back at the starting line taught you exactly one thing - double the efforts next time >> ACQUIRED : CERTIFICATE OF PERFECTION [???] Stand platform. Why? Tired. Where? Hole. Know the hole. Fall-up-fall-down hole. Why? Tired Hand holds something. Why? What? Throw away? >> It''s (more or less) tasty, kid Tasty? Tasty! Eat Tasty *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> ENDURANCE : (E) + (1) : 211 + 300 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú ENDURANCE : (D) : 511 >> STRENGTH : (E) + (1) : 15 + 150 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú STRENGTH : (D) : 165 >> SPEED : (G) + (1) : 4 + 150 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (F) : 154 >> PERCEPTION : (F) + (1) : 16 + 300 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú PERCEPTION : (E) : 316 >> FOCUS : (C) + (1) : 116 + 150 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (B) : 266 >> COORDINATION : (E) + (1) : 8 + 150 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú COORDINATION : (D) : 158 >> MEMORY : (F) + (1) : 12 + 300 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (E) : 312 >> INTELLECT : (G) + (1) : 8 + 150 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (F) : 158 >> INTUITION : (D) + (1) : 120 + 150 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTUITION : (C) : 270 >> WILLPOWER : (E) + (1) : 207 + 300 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WILLPOWER : (D) : 507 >> BRAVERY : (D) + (1) : 111 + 150 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (C) : 261 >> WISDOM : (D) + (1) : 108 + 150 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WISDOM : (C) : 258 Tasty not a real Tasty! Don''t care. Tired. Get out of hole. Get rest. Get not so tired Getting up. Grab vine. No vine. Vine, where? Don''t know. Getting up, how? Tired Jump. Fall up, fall down. Out of hole now. Tired Need sleep. Where? Stone lady. Door between legs. There. Tired Tired. Tired. Tired. Going. Tired
¡ºHey there, *snort* brother! Thanks a lot for this wonderful *snort* present of yours, you''re welcome in this palace anytime you... Hey, are you serious?¡» Couch. Comfy. Sleep. Tired. Sleep. ¡ºYou''re trying to make this into a thing, huh?............... Snort¡»
Now Loading......... S1E11 - And watch me go like (DumbnBased) S1E11 - And watch me go like (Dumb''n''Based)
OnlyGun ?Destroy. Fucking. Everything? First magical launcher to have ever been crafted, it''s impossible to tell whether it is a product of a genius mind or a sniveling madman - quite fitting, for its creator was both ultimately revered and infinitely despised in equal measure
A peculiar state of existence that no language has words to properly describe. There''s no space - so that takes care of WHERE right off the bat. There''s nothing resembling any sort of matter - so WHAT is not a question either. Time is a no-show - kicking WHEN out of the picture and, refusing to stop at just that, dragging along unsuspecting WHY with a magnificent trick-shot assisted by an obvious lack of causality. All that is present is your sense of self, fueled by a strange determination to reach an uncertain goal - something you just came up with on a whim at the beginning, which somehow became increasingly more and more important for reasons you can''t seem to grasp. No direction, no progress, no clue. Just familiar voice, providing the only point of reference ¡ºThis is extra stupid even by your usual standards! Just because there''s something on one side, doesn''t mean there''s definitely going to be something else on the other. And even if there is - so what!? We''ve already found our place, why can''t you just be happy with that!? Why is it that you absolutely have to chase every single wild idea you stumble upon, even though we... Grrrr, that''s enough, I''m bored!! I''m going back - good luck with whatever, you idiot!!¡» Few giant structures - either unfinished, or just weirdly shaped - are the only thing that stands out on that otherwise completely empty and perfectly flat field that stretches in all directions as far as the eye could see. The music of the constant howling winds fails to conceal this inorganic voice ¡º?Traveler? is advised to move the task of returning as soon as possible to the top of priority list. The 9333 construction sites under my direct supervision still haven''t been visited. It is estimated that observing them together with me will be an invaluable experience for ?Traveler?. In addition, I would like ti submit request #369 to reconsider the notion of leaving me¡» There''s no mistaking the true nature of this huge assembly of countless creatures - it''s an army, freshly arrived at this new land in another attempt to conquer it. No question about who''s unstoppable will that army follows, either. The rumbling noise produced by their movement fills the air with grim excitement - but it''s not the source of trembling in this spiteful voice ¡ºDon''t think that your usual antics will be tolerated, you d-disgusting freak!! You were sent here to do your job, not to satisfy your wretched curiosity - and I''m here to make sure of that, you understand!? N-no, stay away, don''t come any closer!!¡» Scorched wasteland is all that remains in the place of this unending battle that finally managed to reach its conclusion. Sincere gratitude that precious few survivors are trying to express is completely overshadowed by this horrendously loyal voice ¡ºPlease, pay no mind to those insignificant creatures, My Lord!! It is already completely unforgivable that they made You waste so much of Your irreplacable time on saving their unworthy lives - and now they want to waste even more of it with their empty meaningless prizes!! Hmph!! As if those useless simpletons could ever hope to comprehend the sheer scope of Your unlimited magnificence, My Lord!!¡» A city of terrifying beauty and devastating scale, basking in a golden light of an unmoving sun. The shadow from the menacing figure rising above it adds excessive chill to this already ice-cold voice ¡ºThose insolent pests! How dare they try to ruin my beautiful creation! I will personally eradicate every single one of them - starting with these two!¡» Gargantuan mountain range covered with fire shrivels in comparison to the wide-spread wings of this unbreakable roaring presence ¡ºFunny. Our ?saviors?, now obedient puppets on an errand to tie some loose ends. No matter - if it''s a fight you want, I''ve been looking for a worthy opponent to test my new strength. Shall we?¡» The unnerving shadow swirling under the metallic trees of this endless forest fails to hide an unpredictable treacherous existence - for it has chosen to present itself everywhere at once ¡ºFinally decided to come and play with me, my cuties? How wonderful! You know I''m always up for some good fun, but before we start, riddle me this - what kind of trick should one use to destroy somebody who doesn''t even exist in the first place, hm?¡» Small hill overlooking newly created sea, surrounded by a solemn quietude nobody dares to approach. Sound of the waves, vanishing under the dim light of the sun, now fully eclipsed by the recent addition to the sky, makes your mind slip into timeless nothingness, folding all the irrelevant thoughts within your tired sense of self - with the voice coming from the comforting weight on your shoulder providing the only point of interest ¡ºBut this lady sure knows how to run away, huh? I mean, she took her city to the sky with her, and everything. Now that she''s blocking the sun, do you think they''re gonna send us up there to finish the job? And after that, we will have to go back, right? Can you figure something out so that we could stay? I... I think I like it here¡» Hard to believe that this scene of complete devastation is a result of a single duel - which didn''t start as such, but the kneeling figure pierced by the sword tapped out long before all of this was over. Now, there''s only one being who''s left - not for long - to listen to this voice that rages like a storming ocean ¡ºAt last!! My long-sought vengeance for this unbearable humiliation you wretched pests inflicted upon me has been completed! Now all that is left is for those useless cretins to do their part - and then both you filthy mongrels will finally be gone! Forever!!¡» This peculiar state of existence that no language has words to properly describe should be familiar - but your inevitably evaporating sense of self realizes with final certainty that this is something completely different. The only thing that prevents what remains of you from dissipating into nonexistence is this voice that envelops like a gentle cloud ¡ºMy dear, beautiful, precious child! The arduous task of awaiting for your return is over, and your people should despair no more - I am finally ready to born you anew, so that you could deliver them from all their suffering and bring forth a new hope! Time to take your rightful place, my beloved son!¡»
Nothing makes sense anymore. You keep wondering if it ever again could - or should, for that matter. No direction, no progress, no clue. No reason - just familiar sad voice, providing the only point of return ¡ºPlease come back...¡»
>> SPECIAL CONDITION : Dungeon Fever LV1
...I mean, fucking dreams, am I right? You wake up ready to complain about all that bullshit - but then you let your mind slip for just a second, and then you forget all about it And then the rant is over ¡ºHey, brother, I know I said you''re always welcome in this glorious palace, but don''t you think you''re taking it a little bit too literally?¡» My questionable habits of falling asleep in this wank-shack aside, it seems to me that I''ve got no clue about what I''m supposed to do next. I strongly feel like I have to fight the urge to sit by the root-hole while repeatedly flinging around my superspell in an attempt to collect my thoughts - that would be deja-viewing too close to the sun, and not in the loop-memory kind of way, if you catch my drift. Let''s read this poem somebody scribbled on my right forearm instead. Do I even want to know where my right sleeve go? ¡ºAnd now he''s turning my Palace into a library, eh? At least he brought his on books with him. Or, more like, on him, hyuk-hyuk-hyuk¡» ... ... ... OK, I now perfectly understand the situation! After carefully examining those ancient scribbles, my brilliant mind easily arrived at the only possible conclusion - whoever wrote this is an absolute fucking idiot. Also, I got the gist of the general direction I''m supposed to be going to next as a byproduct - not much, but I think I can work with that ¡ºIs it already time for you to storm out of here without saying a word, brother?¡» Hey, that stupid creep makes a solid point for a change. Might not be so stupid, after all Still a creep, though - but I think I can work with that also ¡ºSee you soon, brother!¡» You have no idea how fucking much I want to tell you not to hold your breath, Snort-bro. Also, stay in fucking character and don¡¯t forget to snort ¨C it¡¯s in your name I just gave you, damn it!
Up the stairs we go again, then. If my outstanding deductive skills are correct - which, of course they are! - we are going to the next floor up from here. Floor 7 is not our actual destination - that would be Floor 4, another three flights up from 7F, but we will have to make a (hopefully) short stop on our way to 4F, because nothing is ever fucking easy in True Hero''s life 4F has a room with a pyramid that is guarded by Sphinx - giant-ass winged lion with human-like head and torso attached to it, with three shapely boobs slapped on top as a bonus. Compelling, I know - but combine it with a deep husky voice of an obvious old geezer that this creature produce, and you''ll have easier time forgiving me for not being in a hurry to grow a third arm right this instant. Everybody has their own kinks, and this one''s not mine, so - fuck this, with respect, and sugar on top, I''ll refrain Plus this Sphinx is pretty fucking annoying in general - it gives you series of riddles, but instead of just giving an answer on the spot, you have to present an actual item that you think qualifies as a solution. An item from the outside world. From any corner of any obscure dungeon of any continent of the outside world - so, you either steadily progress through that riddle-ladder as you gradually expand your area of world exploration, or try your hand at the forbidden secret art of rigorous back-tracking. Depends on when you found this super-secret exclusive dungeon, really - and I found it now, so all conventional means are a no-go And so is killing this thing, sneaking past it, tricking it, bribing it, convincing it, and telling it to eat a bag of dicks - believe you me, I tried it all, back in you-know-when. One thing I did not try, however, is distracting that fucker - and that important task we''re going to outsource to another ultra-annoying fellow from, yes, Floor 7 Spiraling stairs has finally transformed into a platform that stretches along the inner wall for about half a circle - and I think that I''ve already said the exact same thing quite recently. Who cares, there''s the door *creeeeak* *clunk* Go through the maze-like corridor, ignore another swelling of deja-woo-woo, and step through the next door ¨C to a different room this time ... Hm? *creeeeak* *clunk* Never mind, we''re in the mountains now. Totally black sky, slopes covered in pine trees - and a single barely noticeable pathway leading upwards from the door to the cave entrance some distance away. This cave is guarded by a very promising future employee, so let''s brush up our hiring skills while we''re making our way up the mountain Please, everyone, give a round of applause for this engineering beauty - a 5 meters tall humanoid construct, made entirely of black glossy stone with golden inscriptions all over it. Universal Magical Automaton, also known as golem - an absolute must-have for any self-respecting evil sorcerer from ancient times. Has a wonderful feature of having huge Power Gem embedded into it, along with a complex supplying circuit that allows this bad boy to self-recharge with the Soma from defeated enemies, resulting in an almost infinite running time. Combine it with the fact that proper obsidian - which it''s made of - is basically indestructible by any normal means, and you''ll have an absolute pinnacle of the ancient art of magicrafting now, sadly, completely lost to time Borderline perfection with only one glaring flaw It''s a total bitch to operate! Obsidian, you see, does not stop at being resistant to the physical impact - its disdain for any magical interference is also near absolute. Which means, among other things, that this golem can not be controlled by mana directly - and this is where those golden inscriptions, which are, in fact, simplistic magical formulas, come into play. Every joint is controlled by several of those formulas, designed to execute predetermined movement as soon as you pour some mana into them, with the angle and the speed being controlled separately by the amount of the magic you supply to the respective control circuit. Simple stuff, in theory, but try doing it without proper training, years of accumulated experience, maxed out puppeteering and magic output control skills - and all you get to see is an oversized stone doll uselessly spazzing and flailing around. To graduate from a fancy decoration, this killing machine requires insanely competent operator in a direct vicinity - of which right here and now, there is none Yet this thing can move on its own juuuust fine I mean, come-the-fuck-on, it''s a single flow in the otherwise highly efficient device - you really think there would be a shortage of bright heads tackling this issue in an attempt to circumvent it? The solution found was simple - you take that insanely competent operator I just mentioned, you kill that insanely competent operator I just mentioned, you extract the Seed from that insanely competent operator I just mentioned - and then you slam that Seed into specially prepared device within the automaton. Bye-bye, insanely competent operator I just mentioned - hello fully automated golem that''s capable of following simple instructions! Funny enough, research data from studying those derelict constructs provided a solid foundation for the idea that our skills are, in fact, stored in our Seeds of Existence, to advance from a mere hypothesis to a full-fledged theory - I mean, there''s not exactly a plethora of already extracted Seeds readily available for experimentation otherwise, so at least there''s that. You never know what sort of horrific atrocities committed in the days long gone might accidentally improve our understanding of ourselves and the world around us, I guess And now you, too, can vastly improve your understanding of why nobody was particularly eager to rediscover that ancient art of magicrafting when it was, erm, ?lost? to time Anyway, this golem appears to have been given instructions to guard the entrance to this cave, so it doesn''t react to anything unless you try to pass through - at which point it does finally react in a rather over-exaggerated manner of trying to unalive you on the spot. To enter, you''ll need to completely deactivate it by saying a magic safe-word that, yes, I do happen to know - but we''re not here to turn it off We''re here to recruit - using nothing but the ultimate power of my irresistible Heroic Charm! Well, the most fitting visual representation of it, that is Superspell, GO!! >> Spark of Promise << Do you see that glorious splendor illuminating the surroundings, you walking fossil? Do you feel the irrefutable pull of wonder, luring you towards it? Rejoice, for you have been chosen by Hero of the World to perform a noble task of... Hey, what the actual fuck! ... What exactly is your general malfunction, you dipshit? Or is it a specific one? Look, it''s a ball of light just floating on its own in a middle of a fucking nowhere - who wouldn''t want to come closer and poke a finger into it to see what else it will do? Where''s your sense of adventure and wonderment, you cunt!? ... Is it actually asleep, or something? Should I try to wake it up first? Maybe if I move the spark closer, it will... *fsssst* *clang-clang-clang* *vroom* ¡ºEXITING STANBY MODE. ON WAKEUP MAINTANANCE COMPLETE. ENTERING COMBAT MODE¡» Hey, eggs and bakey, sleepyhead - now, come to papa! ¡ºSURVEING THE AREA. UNAUTORISED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT¡» *stomp-stomp-stomp* ¡ºCONTACT MADE. PROCESSING¡» ... ¡ºPROCESSING¡» ... ¡ºPROCESSING¡» You''re just going to stand there and stare at it, huh? Suits me - here''s something for you to make contact to a little further down the road >> Spark of Promise << ¡ºUNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT¡» *stomp-stomp-stomp* Now we just need to bread-crumb our way to the next destination and let or riddle-loving Triboobent have some fun with our newfound toy. Let''s fucking go!
Nah, lets fucking stop - this giant piece of shit doesn''t fit through a human-sized door. A pickle, quite indeed *stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp* I placed the sparkle on the other side of the open door, where it''s clearly visible, and that moron has been honestly trying to reach it for a while - but all that moon-walking into a door frame doesn''t seem to get us anywhere anytime soon. Hmmmmmmm *stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp* ... *stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp* Will you pipe down all that stomping, you fuckwit - I''m thinking here! Hmmmmmmm. What if I try to place the spark not directly in front, but at the angle - maybe it can weasel its way through by turning from side to side? >> Spark of Promise << *stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp* No, don''t try to circle around, you smartass - this door doesn''t work like that. Get back here! Actually, I wonder if I can make it squat down somehow... You know what, I think I''m going to need a minute
>> Spark of Promise << ¡ºUNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT¡» *stomp-stomp-stomp* Yeah, piece of cake, really - all I had to do was to lure it on a nearby rock, make it fall down, turn it around in the air several times by quickly placing the bait in opposite directions, then summon the spark in the corridor at the very specific angle. The end result was tremendous success - with a pleasant bonus of watching a stone contraption doing silly breakdance moves The only point of concern is that I don''t remember there being any rocks in this corridor, so what am I to do with the next door is still remains a mystery
>> Spark of Promise << ¡ºUNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT¡» *stomp-stomp-stomp* Making your way up the long-ass staaairs ~ You''d think would be good for relieving streeess ~ But that is Not the Fucking caaaaaaaaase ~~~ Mystery solved, by the way. First, you place the spark right below its feet to actually make it somewhat squat down - and then you run out of fucks to give to a proper explanation. Long story short - I now have a reliable method of dealing with doors, of which there are two more on the way. Long story long - well... >> Spark of Promise <> LET''S ROCK!! << *SLAM* *craaack* *wind blowing* ...And here I thought the dungeon interior was practically indestructible - I most certainly stand corrected now by a stone fist flying right past my face, slamming into the stairs in front of me, and leaving a beautiful crater in the place of impact. Woah, the web of cracks surrounding it aside, it''s probably bigger than my head! Hey, don''t worry - my appreciation of this newly created modern art piece does not in any way distract me from listening to all the constructive criticism of my Let''s-Kick-A-Deadly-Rock-Monster-In-The-Butt-And-See-What-Happens Master Plan you seem to be very eager to provide. I''m taking careful notes, which I can prove by rising an immediate clarifying question - what are those ?contingencies? you keep bringing up? The term is new to me, and I feel like I''m missing a vital piece of information necessary for the future improvements of... ¡ºTARGET ELIMINATION ADVISED. PRIORITY LEVEL EVALUATION IN PROGRESS¡» Hold on, let me get back to you on this - something tells me I better come up with something quick. Gut feeling and all ¡ºPROCESSING¡» OK, I''ll pretend to be Heroic Statue! Good thinking, me! *Heroic pose* ¡ºPROCESSING¡» Nothing to see here, just your everyday beautiful statue of Handsome and Brave and Smart Hero - take your picture, read the booklet, move along ¡ºPROCESSING¡» *Heroic pose complete with Heroic Smile?* ¡ºPROCESSING¡» >> Spark of Promise (that is way over there and not here at all)?? << ¡ºEVALUATION COMPLETE. THREAT LEVEL INSIGNIFICANT. ABORTING EXTERMINATION. UNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT¡» *stomp-stomp-stomp* Hero wins again, yay! Now, back to the topic of improving my already impeccable strategic skills - I''m not sure how exactly... Hey, wait a fucking minute!! Did that actually happen, or was I hearing things!? Did you. Just call. Me. A. Small fry. You. Wanker!!? Oh, it''s on now, you overgrown petrified piece of spank! If you think I''m letting it slide, you really must be off your fucking rocker! Get back here, you silly twat!! Prepare to receive the full power of my World-Famous How-Dare-You-Underestimate-The-Might-Of-True-Hero Magical Kick! *stomp-stomp-stomp* Decided to pick up the pace all of a sudden, huh? Well-well-well, someone''s eager to be taught a valuable lesson about how relentless Limping Hero Giving Chase can really be. Here''s a little head-start to let you get your silly hopes up - before I utterly crush them, MWA-HA-HA!! >> Spark of Promise <<
Good thing I brought some spare batteries for a medkit - those multiple comminuted hands and feet fractures were an utter bitch to heal. Also, the stairs are going to need some proper maintenance in the future, but who cares about that - we''re in a desert room now, walking a stone-paved road, surrounded by rows of columns that support absolutely nothing, towards a huge pyramid that sticks out of endless sea of sand under the usual black sky. Entrance in front has no door and is, luckily, big enough, so let¡¯s just fling the spark a little bit beyond it and see the magic happen - our quiz-loving Triboobedallion-Stallion is already visible through the passage Distrockting Factor, I choose you! >> Spark of Promise << ¡ºUNAUTHORIZED ACTIVITY DETECTED. PROCEEDING TO MAKE CONTACT¡» *stomp-stomp-stomp* Hopefully, all that dramatically slow rising on its feet, spreading its wings, and intimidating head-lowering for an extreme close-up face time will provide our Scaperock enough time to get its bearings ¡ºHOSTILE PRESENCE DETECTED. TARGET ELIMINATION ADVISED. PRIORITY LEVEL EVALUATION IN PROGRESS¡» ¡ºTrespassers in the House of Wisdom, answer my riddle or...¡» ¡ºEVALUATION COMPLETE. THREAT LEVEL EXCEEDING EVALUATION THRESHOLD. ASSIGNING MAXIMUM PRIORITY TO EXTERMINATION TARGET¡» ¡ºDo not interrupt me, foolish mortal. Within this walls, I will be the one to decide when...¡» >> LET''S ROCK!! << ¡º...Your puny little mind seems to lack the capacity to comprehend the existence you''re facing. Like great many more before you...¡» >> LET''S ROCK!! (x10) << ¡ºEnough! I shall rid this House of your loathsome presence this instant - prepare to meet your doom, you insignificant...¡» >> LET''S ROCK!! (x20) << ¡ºGah!! What insolence! Tremble in fear, you insolent worm, for you have incurred the wrath of a being far beyond anything you could possibly...¡» >> LET''S ROCK!! (x30) << ¡ºGehek!¡» He-hey, this looks a lot more fun than I thought it would - but as much as I''d like to stay and watch my new unpaid intern riddle a proper hook into this smug face, I''ve got some other business to attend to. Right behind that door at the back of the entrance hall - so I guess I''ll leave you to it, gentlemen. Ladies? Let me carefully think about what difference does it actually make, as I sneak my way around two mythical creatures engaged in a battle to the death
This huge room is most likely supposed to be a treasury of some kind, but it''s just filled to the brim with stone tablets, dusty scrolls, and old books - with that, I will leave the level of excitement I felt when I reached this place for the first time up to your imagination. One useful thing in this whole dumpster is standing in that clearing right in the middle, and yes, I agree - not exactly what you would expect to see in the House of Wisdom Basically, it''s a progressive slot machine - with three spinning drums and a lever on the side This one doesn''t usually spit out money, though - that''s definitely one of the options, but usually the prizes are something more along the lines of artifacts, superfruits, runes, and some other weird shit. Pretty useful, but totally random - unless you''re amazing. Like me, Hero The machine accepts Desert Coins, which is pretty fitting considering the room we''re in - and oh, what a coincidence! We just so happen to have nine of those babies right here with us, would you look at that. First roll has a guaranteed result, so let¡¯s get busy *clank-clank-clank* *roll-roll-roll* *jingle-jingle-jingle* >> ACQUIRED : Rememberry [???] As much as I''d like to partake on the spot, this one should be saved for later. Hopefully, I can get another one on a random roll with the rest of the coins, but before that - let''s use this beauty here >> Your Lucky Coin >> As long as luck is on your side, so will be this little treasure I don''t think I need to explain much, so here we go *clank-clank-clank (x4)* *roll-roll-roll (x4)* *jingle-jingle-jingle (x4)* >> ACQUIRED : Forbidden Rune (x4) Remember kids, gambling is really bad - unless you''re really good at it. Yeah, My Lucky Coin always returns to me no matter what - and the prize is also fixed to be a jackpot, neat! Fourth time''s the charm, though - attempt number 5 gets the coin stuck forever and breaks the machine, so sometimes it does matter what, apparently. Still a good haul, I recon - with this I can complete my starting build and even the stats a little >> Forbidden Rune Activated (x4) >> ENDURANCE : (D) + (1) : 511 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú ENDURANCE : (C) : 511 >> SPEED : (F) + (1) : 154 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (E) : 154 >> MEMORY : (E) + (1) : 312 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (D) : 312 >> INTELLECT : (F) + (1) : 158 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (E) : 158 *shine (x4)* *crack (x4)* *poof (x4)* As you might''ve probably heard somewhere, my stamina is shit - so Endurance is an obvious first choice. I don''t think I''ve ever had E-Rank Speed before, so I feel lightning fast - but I should''ve probably brought my Intellect to square one before anything, because investing two runes into Memory to rise it to Rank C seems like a much smarter option now. Oh well, I guess we''ll have to commit Come on, baby, I need just one juicy Rememberry! Eight more coins should be more than enough, let''s go!
*clank-clank-clank* *roll-roll-roll* *jingle-jingle-jingle*
And it went exactly as expected, yes. So, now what the fuck am I going to do? I do have a spare - but that one''s not for me, and the move I''m about to pull is already enough of a dick one. I refuse to compromise on this apology gift, so I guess I''m fucking stuck now - nothing new even on this run, so it''s time to put my gigabrain to use again Come forth, surge of brilliant inspiration - where do I get another one?
...And I think I can withstand it with enough of my body intact to somehow manage to crawl all the way to the other side, but than the obvious question presents itself - how exactly am I supposed to... >> Tasty Hey, I''m fucking busy right now, OK!? Let''s put this idea on hold and tackle it from another angle - if I let this giant noisy asshole swallow me whole and get the thing from its stomach, what''s the best way to... Wait, what? Come again? >> Tasty Over there, under this copy-pasted pile of rubbish? I don''t get anything from loop memory, but what the hell - let''s check it out! >> ACQUIRED : Rememberry [???] Hero wins - and without being eaten alive and bursting out of the monster''s belly first. Boring, I know - but I''ll take it Thanks a lot, Ten-Pan Drifter! You''re the best, Ten-Pan Drifter! Are there any more, Ten-Pan Drifter? >> ...Probably Well, where the fuck are they!? Are you trying to make me fall even more in love with you with all that suspense? Worry not - I''m already heads over heels, sugar, so come on, spit it! >> ... Tsk, stingy cunt. Thanks again, anyway, and - cheers to that! *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> MEMORY : (D) : 312 + 200 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (D) : 512 >> ACQUIRED : Seed of Proper Flushing [???] *munch* *munch* *munch* *gulp* >> MEMORY : (D) + (1) : 512 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (C) : 512 And that that''s all, folks! We''re ready to finally leave this dungeon - for now, at least. Seems like I''ve been here forever, but ''tis but a mere illusion, no doubt - time does not flow here in a usual sense, as you may or may not remember. I''m inclined to fully agree that it is certainly convenient, as I make my way to the exit
¡ºGah!! Ugh!! Grrrrr!! Ghek!!¡» >> ROCK''N''ROLL (x150) << Woah, they still at it! Well, I''d love to stay and watch the fight, but this shabby casino does not provide any snacks or refreshments, so I decided to come back only after significant improvements in the customer service area. Though, looking at this Stonieslavsky over there doing spinny kicks, I have a feeling like I''m still forgetting something ... Ah! If this thing is here, that means the cave it was guarding is unprotected at the moment. Not that I really need what''s in there, but, hey - free loot is free loot, so little jogging session is on its way, inevitably
Right, a little one. Totally. Through those endless fucking stairs. Anyway, here''s the cave, here''s the chest, here''s the thing >> ACQUIRED : OnlyGun [???] >> The only gun you will ever need - provided you can afford to use it Reasonable size, practical design, cool-looking shoulder holster, no ammo requirements, impossible to use in almost any conventional combat situation - I''ll take it anyway, why not ¡ºActually, I''ve been thinking this for a while now, but can you stop with this [???] bullshit, Snik? My personal dungeon has a name, you know - it''s Hyper-Youthful Ultimate Dungeon of Joy and _Perpetual Partying, obviously¡» >> ACQUIRED : OnlyGun [HYUDJ_PP Dungeon] ¡ºPffe-he-he-he, yeah, no. The name aged to dust while I was still in the middle of pronouncing it, so let''s go with something those humorless provincials can appreciate, while also keeping in mind the overall theme of this crazy zoo - which would make it Memory Dungeon, I guess¡» >> ACQUIRED : OnlyGun [Memory Dungeon] Aren''t all the dungeons are, if you stop to think of it for a second - which I''m not going to, since I''m getting tired again. Clearing two rooms in a row seems to have significantly moved the time in the real world, and I''d rather not have another nap time on the red couch - sleeping in dungeon is generally advised against, mainly because of... >> SPECIAL CONDITION : Dungeon Fever LV1 ...this pesky little thing here. Not really that much of a big deal - just you regular everyday incurable condition that gradually turns you into a mindless cannibalistic monster roaming the dungeons trying to devour anyone you come across. So far, the only known way to get this - and to increase its level after you do - is to spend a lot of time in any dungeon of your choosing, with several sleepovers to really expedite the process. For obvious reasons, easily takes one of the top spots among the list of Dungeon-Diving common occupational hazards - but gets treated more like a slight professional deformation most of the time. After all, the condition is almost completely dormant on lower levels, and, again, the only way to increase the level is to spend more time in the dungeon - so just don''t do it, and you''re golden Well, sure, even lower levels of Dungeon Fever come with a bonus of constant compulsive urges to explore some dimensional anomaly, like, right fucking now, damn it - but most Dungeon Divers do that for the living anyway, and their high mortality rate usually takes care of that steadily worsening condition problem in a perfectly natural way. Even if it doesn''t - those who managed to live long enough to actually transform are just going to roam the deeper floors of the dungeons, creating additional headache for other Divers and leaving good an honest people on the surface the fuck alone In conclusion - no big deal, as I said My particular case is going to more or less resolve itself on its own momentarily, so without further ado: Status - check Gift - check Extra loot - check I think that''s about all of it, so let''s get the fuck out
Which is what I fully intended to do, alright, but, I mean, I was passing by this Floor anyway - who wouldn''t want to check if those two lovebirds were still duking it out? Turns out - the fight is almost over, and based on how bloody the Boobielicious Trifecta is looking, it ain''t going to no decision >> WINDMILL ROCKS YOU!! (x369) << Blurry carousel of violence concludes with a beautiful throwing arc that splatters our wannabe smart-ass across the wall - and here goes the last remaining specimen of now completely extinct legendary creatures. Well, shit - I didn''t know that thing could be killed, to be honest, but based on the feeling of Soma oversaturation that quickly fills the hall, that appears to have done did it! Great job, unpaid intern number one, you get some points to your imaginary record and a pat on the back ... ... ... Fuck ... Right, Soma. The most important resource needed for any leveling-up shenanigans. Scratch that - the one and only resource needed for any of that shit. That''s beyond even common knowledge, that''s just... There''s absolutely no fucking way that somewhere out there could exist such a complete and total fucked up in the head piece of shit drooling idiot that will make sure that all the status requirements are met without gathering enough Soma first!! There''s just no way! A creature this fucking stupid simply can not exist - it will immediately implode under the pressure of its own stupidity ... Fuck ... And then I was about to say that we''re still going to be here for a while, but a sudden thought occurred in some part of my body that still possesses a miraculous ability of holding it. The saturation level is insanely high - its on the brink of becoming Miasma at this point, and no matter how big the Power Gem shoved inside my sidekick is, it can''t possibly hold all this amount. Sure, this golem has a Seed embedded into it - but what it doesn''t have is a biological body hard-wired to instinctively absorb the Soma from the surrounding environment I do Granted, I''m not the one who defeated it, but I am still the closest one to this fountain of Soma that has nowhere else to go. So, kill-stealing for the win, and once again - come to papa >> SOMA : + 2 KK (40%) ... Fuck ~ ... Two million, huh? I wonder how much XP this fucker dropped initially for even the scraps to be this juicy. Those legendary bellends sure know how to make a long-lasting impression. The fact that I completely forgot about getting Soma seems to be a good thing - because now I won''t have to remember about it for quite a while. Brief moment of silence to honor all those grinding sessions that are no longer meant to be Also, great job, you handsome fuckface - you''re a real Rock''n''Rolla!! By the way, I couldn''t be asked to drag you all the way back to your initial room, so you live here now See ya! ¡ºSnik, scratch that Naturalborn bullshit from the status, just in case¡»
¡ºWhere the fuck do you think you''re going, you little shit!?¡» Yeah, the surface moved on as well - and not a short distance in time, based on all that equipment filling the room and on the fact that all those people running around look like they''ve been here for a while. The caveman that goes out of his way to display to me the level of reverence suitable for the one called Hope of Kaladerra is obviously with the Guild - which means they¡¯ve already secured the sight, and are busy acting like they own the place. As usual, this memo about who''s the biggest dick up in this piece didn''t reach the Librarians, who just keep fiddling with the Gate without giving a single fuck - so it is pretty understandable that everybody''s shit''s emotional now, but still ¡ºGive me that bag of yours! Hurry up, pipsqueak, I ain''t got all day!¡» ¡ºSure thing, you smelly bald fuck! Why don''t I get on my knees as well, while I''m at it - so I can blow you off properly while you help yourself to my stuff, you oversized loot goblin?¡» Oh no. I think I said it out loud. My bad ¡ºWha... You''re fucking dead!!¡» Whoa, I know it¡¯s usually normal for the Guild employees to be dumb as fuck, but this one''s aiming for the Hall of Fame - I mean... ¡ºAttacking the Hero of the World in front of multiple eyewitnesses and in a presence of several armed HAIAI operatives is not the most rational solution to a current situation¡» Thanks for stating the obvious, random four-eyes who''s... not really supposed to be here ¡ºI don''t give a rat''s ass if that bitch right here is a hero or what!! Let those HAIAI pussies try and start some shit - this is a Guild territory now, bitch! You think we''re gonna let some...¡» ¡ºI''ll take your statement as an official notice from IDEA about no longer requiring our services, then? We will leave the premise as fast as we can¡» ¡ºWha-... Hey, you eggheads didn''t open the Gate yet!!¡» ¡ºI''m sure you will have no problem figuring it all out on your own. Good luck¡» ¡ºWait! We... How... What?¡» ¡ºOn a slight chance of a simple miscommunication - which would mean you still need our help in solving this puzzle - I would suggest organizing your men to help with the transportation and installment of additional power banks that have just arrived¡» ¡º............................FUCK!!!!!!¡» *stomp-stomp-stomp* Awwwwwwwww, and it was just starting to get fun Anyway, back to that mysterious four-eyes sending an unexpected rescue boat - he literally has four eyes. Two of them are synthetic, and other two are biologically enhanced. Two pairs of magical arms from the back. Six fingers on each of the normal hands. Bunch of other mutations and synthetic implants mixed together all over - only one motherfucker fits that description, really ¡ºMaximillian ?Too Far Gone? Kromwell, I assume? Much obliged¡» ¡ºAssume away, Troy ?I Thought He Would Be Taller? Celvarion. Think nothing of it, if I thought he had a chance of actually killing you, I wouldn''t have intervened. Otherwise, his excessive energy better spent doing as he told - but back to the relevant topic: on a scale of one to suddenly-dropping-dead, how exactly do you feel right now?¡» Everybody, meet Max Kromwell - a wicked smart motherfucker with so many extra layers of crazy that even all the other Librarians consider him a bit too fucked up. One of the great many ways through which he achieved such an impossible feat I just briefly described - most of the freaks from the Dominion of Truth prefer to stick to either mutating their bodies, or augmenting it with various magical devices. Combining the two seems to drastically shorten the lifespan of the happy user - an annoying glitch our Max Soon-to-be-not-so-Well set out to fix, using himself as a test subject on account of not wanting to be bothered to look for any other volunteers Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, the fact that he never appears after My Super Secret Exclusive Dungeon discovery in any of the loops gives you a subtle hint about how successful he''ll be with this scientific endeavor of his. But this time - yeah, I''m too early, so it makes perfect sense for him to show up, since nobody really knows what to do here, and they hope this maniac can come up with something He (probably) won''t, but I''m excited regardless - I''ve never personally met him before ¡ºIf you''re hoping to get a clue on how to go through that fog wall by splitting my head open and examining my brain, just wait for about three years - and my insides are all yours, to slice them up as you see fit¡» ¡ºToo long. I was hoping for something within the scope of two days, before we finish organizing the initial batch of sensor data and narrow down priorities. No good?¡» ¡ºNo good¡» ¡ºOK. Any tips before we get into full gear?¡» ¡ºDon''t waste your time - the only way to pass through this Gate is to be absolutely amazing¡» ¡ºI feel motivated even more, thank you. Now, if you''ll excuse me...¡» ¡ºI don''t think I will, I''m afraid - I still have a few questions about...¡» ¡ºYes, my dick does telescopically extend and vibrates, no, I don''t have several - all the special features are combined into one¡» ¡ºSounds convenient. But I was actually more interested in how possible it would be to completely dry out the whole World Ocean¡» ¡ºObvious concerns about environmental damage and overall expenses aside, the task does look reasonable within the static model - but the Spring at the South Pole is just going to fill it back up¡» ¡ºPlug it in with something?¡» ¡ºThe water coming from within the planet is just going to find another hole, if not several. Brute-force solution is to outpace the Spring by vaporizing and exhausting the excess water into the outer space, so covering the surface with accelerating heaters that can double-time as exhaust pipes and... what kind of time-frame we''re dealing with here?¡» ¡ºThree years¡» ¡ºNext question. Though, freezing the water and launching the ice chunks might provide less engineering obstacles...¡» ¡ºNo freezing the Ocean, please. How about we freeze the insides of Big Volcano up north instead?¡» ¡ºWe can enhance the natural Decelerating Circuit around Mt Gdormur enough to completely neutralize the Flame, but the whole planet will become an icicle long before that, including the Ocean, which is...¡» ¡ºNo good. Let''s focus on blowing the Moon to pieces¡» ¡ºCreating something that can penetrate the barrier and delivering a sufficient payload will not be a problem. All that''s left is to ensure either the survival of the entity that keeps the Moon in the sky or acceptable level of destruction - not possible within the time limit, meaning the falling debris is going to scorch the planet with high probability of eradicating all existing lifeforms, and that is?..¡» ¡ºNot ideal. Would covering the whole planet with an umbrella be faster - in case the stars start falling for some reason?¡» ¡ºThe shield capable of withstanding comparable impact can be made barely in time, but that excludes light transparency feature and the additional valves for water drainage - so it''s going to be a race between Ice Age and Great Flood¡» ¡ºMan, science is fucking useless¡» ¡ºSuch as she is, we still try our best to do right by her. Anything else?¡» ¡ºYeah, how do you destroy someone who doesn''t even exist?¡» ¡ºDisregarding an obvious answer to the riddle, my next guess is that we''re dealing with a probability-based existence, which can make things a little tricky - those types of entities has a constant margin of error superimposed across the whole set of variables describing their behavior - so, if we''re absolutely certain about one thing they do...¡» ¡ºYou know jack-shit about all the rest¡» ¡ºFeels nice to be comprehended. Although, those types of being tend to have that ?unless observed? gimmick, which we can use to our advantage - if we can provide the conditions where we can directly observe one of the behavioral patterns, we will know if and when it chooses it, thus forcing it to act in a deterministic way¡» ¡ºWhat if it chooses some other pattern?¡» ¡ºWe will still know it didn''t choose the one we¡¯re observing - and for creatures like that, any knowledge about them is an entity that directly affects their behavior. Hypothetically speaking, but I hope that helps¡» ¡ºNot unless it''s laying a foundation for a sudden epiphany in the middle of some serious shit hitting the fan, but thanks anyway¡» ¡ºPleasure''s mine - that was surprisingly exciting. I do have to get back to work now, so I hope we can talk more some other time¡» ¡ºLooking forward - and good luck!¡» Goes to show how much people like to talk bullshit about others - despite all the silly rumors, he''s such a nice guy! Enough about that, though - I''m sure my useless maid already sniffed out my re-emergence and is making her way here as we speak, so let''s hurry up and find Jess. Going to be pretty easy anyway
There''s no reason for me to get cold feet, so that must be something else - and I have a pretty good idea about what that ?something? is. A pathetic existence that is currently on the brink of dissolving into a whirlpool of loop-memories still thinks that it gets a say about appropriate course of action. You see, this >> Leaf of Absence is about to help me enter a somewhat gray area - which is a term most people use to describe something really-really shitty that they really-really want (or need) to do. I mean, it''s definitely bad, no two ways about it - as long as they are themselves not involved. As soon as they have some stakes in the matter - hey, let''s not get too hasty, we have to make sure we know all the details first So they try to work their way around all those morality restrains by over-complicating simple things, over-simplifying complex issues, and essentially just tricking themselves into thinking that what they''re doing is somewhat OK - all in order to have their cake and eat it too. Everybody wants to feel like a good person still, after all That cowardly throwback, for example, quietly suggests leaving it all to chance - which will actually work, believe it or not. Any second now Jess is going to come out of the next corner, we''ll bump into each other, I''ll fall down in a most hilarious way possible, the leaf will fly off and land on top of her head - mission accomplished. That''s what happened before, there''s nothing to imply that it''s not what will happen now - optimal solution to a complicated moral conundrum, no reason to pass on the easy option, no reason whatsoever Except for the fact that it''s such a pussy move, what the fuck!? Sure, let''s dive into the dungeon on our on accord, grab the leaf with our own two hands, bring it here with our own two feet, but now that it''s time to finish the job - oh no, I''m getting heebie-jeebies, I don''t think I can do it, I will just let the nature take its course, it''s all up to chance now. OK, how about the fact that I know for certain what the outcome will be? Which means I''m still the one doing it - I''m just being a giant bitch about it Shut the fuck up, you scaredy-cunt! I don''t give a fuck about how it makes me look - or feel, for that matter. And I''m not in the nature of taking shit from anyone - not even from myself >> ST-counter silently applauding >> FG-counter doing the Cheerful Dance of Indifference You two, zip it! Think I care how many of you fucks agree with me? Well, think again Think I give two shits about how many mistakes I''ll make? Go get your heads checked I''m the one making the choice, so sticking to it is the easy part All that''s left is to have enough guts to accept the outcome Funny, I think I''ve heard something similar before - but I don''t have time for that, since I hear familiar steps approaching from behind the corner on the left. Fuck, my blood is boiling again - better reset the mood somehow. Happy thoughts, inner peace, and here she is ¡ºHey there, Jess. I''m sorry in advance¡» ¡ºWha-¡» *slap* *absorb* *shine* The leaf I just slapped on her forehead instantly got absorbed, enveloping Jess with bright light - and giving as a good few of a sexy transformation strip-show that is about to unfold. What a sight to behold - her bark-colored skin turns golden, she grows flowers out of her hair which changes from simple green to a glowing emerald, she spins around striking suggestive poses, gets naked at some point, then some dress from leafs and also flowers appears, then she finally calms down. Hello to you too, Legendary Primordial Super Dryad that didn''t get the note about all your other sisters going extinct long ago! Original Jess is just a regular half-blood, though ¨C the leaf is in charge of all this magical transformation shit, which is permanent, by the way, but completely safe, as far as I know. There is this one temporary side effect right after the process that I should mention, and that is... ¡ºWhat''s going... Oh my, what a tasty looking young man we have here! Awww, if you keep frowning like that, you''re going to ruin that innocent pretty face of yours. Fufufufufu, come here, don''t be shy - this big sister is going to teach you lots and lots of new things about botany!¡» Help, this horny sexy lady has grabbed me and now carrying me away with the most obvious evil intentions possible! But actually, don''t help - this situation is not as perilous as it looks, I assure you I can handle it Through all the hidden desires and all the forbidden fantasies and all the shameful kinks, against the unlimited stamina of a sexually frustrated MILF Hero will try his best to prevail again Now, let''s fuck
Now Loading......... S1E12 - Another version of me was so timid S1E12 - Another version of me was so timid
?Is it level-up time? Has your status changed? Does it make you happy? You''re so stra-a-ange? Old marching song of the Level-Watchers Brigade
I love the smell of sexually satisfied woman helplessly sprawled next to me on the bed and breathing heavily in the morning. It smells like losing my virginity for the ninth time Never to her though - not that it makes much of a difference at this point, but still a pleasant change I do think that I might have, probably, maybe, gone a little tiny bit overboard, as a way of overcompensating. You see, all our previous encounters were completely one-sided - I don''t know if it''s because I used to be a devote follower of a Way of a True Pushover, or because it usually happens much later in the story when she becomes even more pent-up, but original script for this scene usually describes her riding me into submission all night long. And it''s a one time thing, too - so I never get a chance for a rematch *pant-pant-pant* This time was exactly the same, at first - but I thought it would be too boring to just take it lying down (literally), so I decided to put my hips into it (also). The result is as you can see it - which is my only source of complaint in this otherwise all-around nice situation *pant-pant-pant* What is it with this huge fucking difference between my sexual and regular stamina, huh!? How come I can''t run even five floors up the stairs without stopping for a breather - but at the same time can swing my hips like a wild monkey for hours, and not even break a sweat? You see this sexy lady impersonating a jellyfish on a sandy beach over there? You think something like that is easy to accomplish? Yeah, right! A word of advice - don''t ever underestimate the power of a half-dryad married to her job that has been suppressing her libido for almost a decade. Ever!! It''ll take a platoon of highly trained solders with several QRFs and Medevac on a constant standby to fill that kind of Black Hole, and even then the success is not guaranteed - yet here I am, just casually soloing this Legendary Dungeon, no problem! Hey, Unlimited Heroic Sex Drive, I would really like you to share that abundance a little bit with some of the other stats of mine - otherwise they''re going to think I''m playing favorites ...Heroes really are just glorified walking dicks, I guess *pant-pant-pant* ¡ºThat ? was ? amazing ????????¡» *pant-pant-pant* Excellent point, fully agree, commencing Could-You-Stop-Your-Silly-Bitching procedure As to the reason why there was no second encounter of the sexy kind between us - I blame myself, entirely, with zero sarcastic assist. All those other factors that come into play we''re going to skip for now, and let''s focus on the specifics of a personal life of our Flower-Dress Jess. Actually, let''s skip that, as well, all the way straight to the punchline - Jess has no personal life, as long as we''re not counting that fellow wriggling in the pot by the window, which we aren''t To expand upon a well-established fact, Jess sure is alright - to everyone but herself. You know the type - super laid-back, relaxed, easy-going, charming, calm, composed, and actually really fucking serious and diligent. Nobody knows what''s going on behind that motherly smile of hers, which is perfectly fine by her, since she doesn''t want to bother anyone with her problems That clumsy workaholic of a woman I don¡¯t claim to know all the details, but it''s not that hard to fill in the full picture - she had a few unsuccessful attempts at forming a relationship early on, before starting a full-time affair with her career. And then we fast-forward to the point when she''s 28 - too long out of the game to actively try and build something, and too serious for any form of a one-night stand. Don''t forget her dryad blood that greatly intensifies certain urges, and her diligent nature that makes her toss all of it aside as irrelevant - and you''ll get a solid grasp on at least one of the problems she doesn''t want you to know about *pant-pant-pant* ¡ºThe world ? is ? spinning ????????¡» *pant-pant-pant* And when she gets assigned to a dorm inhabited by a Legendary Sex Monster that breeds everything that moves - what does this klutz do? She tosses this opportunity aside as well - along with a bunch of perfectly fine excuses not to. Why, you ask? Because she thinks it would be unfair to that Legendary Sex Monster ... So yeah, that''s pretty much it - the only reason nothing ever happened between me and that unbearably honest woman again is because that previous me didn''t have the guts to ask. At least that''s the way I see it, and you have no choice but to take my word for it - for nothing in this world is always absolutely so, except for a single undeniable truth Previous me is a disgusting giant-ass flaming bitch *pant-pant-pant* ¡ºFlowers ? are ? blooming ????????¡» *pant-pant-pant* And the current me is just stalling for time, really, since this day just keep on bringing fresh new experiences. In the loops, as soon as the horny effect from the transformation wore off, she got off me, apologized, pretended like nothing happened, and immediately kicked me out ¨C so this Mellow Jess is kind of an uncharted territory. As much as I want to just let her bask in the afterglow for as long as she needs, I have my own selfish reasons, as usual *pant-pant-pant* ¡ºHero is a True Lord of the Bed ? Oh my, who knew? ? All hail Troy the Night-Conqueror! ????????¡» ¡ºI aim to please, honey. You know how we Heroes are - never waver, and always stand firm!¡» ¡ºFufufufufu, firm is ri-i-i-ight ? Especially in a certain pla-¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...¡» ¡º...Kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!¡» Blushing and squealing Jess, rolling around on the bed in a fetal position while covering her face is also ri-i-i-ight ? ¡ºWhat have I done!? What have you done!? What have we-¡» ¡ºYeah, that''s one secret report I definitely wouldn''t want to write¡» ¡ºWho cares about that right now!! ? How is this!? ? What did you!? ? What am I!? ????????¡» Jess, I know you''re being serious right now, but all those ? constantly slipping back into your voice are kind of breaking my sense of urgency ¡ºGoddess, how could I have... I''m so sorry! Troy, are you alright?¡» Naked flustered superdryad leaning on me with worried look on her face isn''t helping either ¡ºFirst of all - you have nothing to be sorry for, second - of course I''m fine, when wasn''t I. The main question is - are you fine?¡» ¡ºThere''s no way I would be!! Troy, what did you do!?¡» It''s not a problem if you want to furiously shake me back and forth, but please make sure you stay still yourself while doing so - they''re bouncing ¡ºIn-in-in-in-in-com-com-com-pre-pre-pe-pre-pre-¡» ¡ºWhat!?¡» ¡ºIncomprehensible Hero Stuff. Imperative to saving the world¡» ¡ºThat doesn''t explain anything!! ????????¡» ¡ºI know, right? Would it kill them to write a manual, or something? Anyway, this was intended as an apology gift, but I changed my mind at the last second - so now it''s a token of my appreciation for your eternal beauty, Jess¡» >> Rememberry [Memory Dungeon] ¡º¡º...¡»¡» ¡ºFruit of the Original Harvest¡» ¡ºThe same¡» ¡ºFufufufu, what a vivid dream, oh my! Ouch! But why does it hurt, even though it''s definitely a dream, I wonder?¡» Staring blankly into the distance while pinching your cheek will not help you, woman. Hero never wavers! ¡ºStop trying to escape from reality and eat it already - I know you''ll need a lot of Memory to transfer your cooking skills¡» ¡ºI wouldn''t dare!! ????????¡» ¡ºHeroic Gift. Imperative to saving the world¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºImperative to saving the world¡» ¡º...¡» ¡ºImperative to saving the wo-¡» ¡ºUgh, fine¡» *glance-glance* *sniff-sniff* *paku-paku* *gulp* ¡ºTasty, right?¡» ¡ºIt''s far beyond anything words can describe ? To think such priceless treasure would be wasted on someone like-¡» ¡ºNow, eat the seed too¡»Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit. ¡ºNever!!¡» ¡ºOK, I''m eating it then¡» *snatch* ¡ºAaaaaaaaaaan ~ ¡» ¡ºStop!!¡» *snatch back* ¡º¡º...¡»¡» ¡ºDid you really just try to eat the Seed of a Sacred Relic?¡» ¡ºDid you really just implied it was the craziest thing I''ve done today?¡» ¡º¡º...¡»¡» ¡ºI''m not letting you eat it! It was a gift to me - so I''m keeping it as a family heirloom! Hmph!¡» ¡ºI''m so going to eat it the first chance I get¡» ¡ºI will guard it with my life!! ????????¡» ¡ºGood! ''Cause if I learn at any point that my gift to you somehow ended up at HAIAI - I''m eating your tentacle friend instead¡» ¡º...Slavedriver¡» ¡ºWorkaholic¡» ¡ºEnemy of women! ?¡» ¡ºRepressed nympho! ~¡» ¡ºYou!! ????????¡» ¡ºWhat!? ~~~~~~~~¡»
*pant-pant-pant (x2)* Those are not sexy pantings, we''re just tired from bickering ¡º...Dryadulla, huh? Ancient Midwife of Original Hero... It feels... surreal...¡» ¡ºShould probably give your mom a call sometime soon - I''m sure she''ll be proud¡» ¡º*giggle* Somehow it seems even more unrealistic. But you''re right, I should probably call her, after I... you know... unpack this whole thing¡» ¡ºRight. At the risk of being a total dick for not letting you properly process the situation - I need a quick favor from you. Can you level me up?¡» ¡ºWhat makes you think... Oh my, I actually can!! But still, I''ve never done this before, so it''s not a good idea...¡» ¡ºYou''ll do just fine, don''t worry about it. Plus - practice makes perfect, and I''m the only test subject here, so here we go!¡» ¡ºSlavedriver ? Alright, ?here we go? it is ~¡» Well, to be completely honest - I''m her only test subject, period. Ancient Midwife of Original Whatever can only level up me, Hero. Also, people that are really close to me - but we don''t have to talk about that right now. What we do have to talk, instead, is how in addition to my Exclusive Personal Dungeon I now have my Exclusive Personal Level-up Specialist - are you finally starting to take notice of how amazing I am? Heroic Bragging, half-an-hour, go!
>> LEVEL UP ! ! !
>> LEVEL 4 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú 5
>> ENDURANCE : (C) : 511 + 12 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú ENDURANCE : (C) : 523 >> STRENGTH : (D) : 165 + 9 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú STRENGTH : (D) : 174 >> SPEED : (E) : 154 + 6 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú SPEED : (E) : 160 >> PERCEPTION : (E) : 316 + 6 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú PERCEPTION : (E) : 322 >> FOCUS : (B) : 266 + 15 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú FOCUS : (B) : 281 >> COORDINATION : (D) : 158 + 9 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú COORDINATION : (D) : 167 >> MEMORY : (C) : 512 + 12 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (C) : 524 >> INTELLECT : (E) : 158 + 6 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTELLECT : (E) : 164 >> INTUITION : (C) : 270 + 12 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú INTUITION : (C) : 282 >> WILLPOWER : (D) : 507 + 9 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WILLPOWER : (D) : 516 >> BRAVERY : (C) : 261 + 12 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú BRAVERY : (C) : 273 >> WISDOM : (C) : 258 + 12 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú WISDOM : (C) : 270
>> NEW CLASS SKILL : Heroic Spirit
So that''s pretty much the same as what every certified level-up cleric with an appropriate skill does - she scans me, gets the necessary amount of Soma from the pool, fiddles with it, applies it to me in a certain way - and all my stats go up according to their respective ranks, with a bonus of a new Class Skill that became available on LVL 5 Two key differences First - she provides 20% discount on the amount of Soma needed to level up. Don''t ask me how she does it, I don''t know - but since Hero is a Legendary Class, and takes 5 times the Soma to level up compared to a Common one, it''s definitely a big deal Second - see those numbers added to every stat? They are fixed based of the rank, but sometimes - countless hypothesis why - they double themselves randomly for a random stat during a random level-up. Millions of experimental ways to rise the probability of it consistently happening for a specific stat pales in comparison to our Overly Serious Miracle Worker ¨C level up by Jess has a 100% chance to double the increase of every stat. Yeah, she''s a keeper Mine are tripled though - I''m pretty sure that''s the additional effect of that Naturalborn...
>> WARNING ! ! >> CURRENT PHYSICAL VESSEL IS INCAPABLE OF INCORPORATING PROVIDED STATUS >> REARRANGEMENT IN PROGRESS
*CRACK-CRACK-CREEEEAK* ¡ºWhat is happening!? Troy, are you hurt!?¡» ¡ºAll good, babe, just rearranging myself to better suit your tastes - I know you like''em tall¡» ¡º...Moron¡» ¡ºHey, no peeking at my private status parts!¡» ¡ºLike I need that to know what you are! Just lay down, I''ll try to-¡» ¡ºNah, it''s really alright - just a normal growth spurt from status increase¡» ¡ºNormal? I''ve never seen... Ugh, I don''t care anymore...¡» Excellent choice, Jess - you care, you lose. But yeah, that sound my bones are making right now is quite nasty ... When your body can no longer fit the stats from your level up - it grows. Usually it happens gradually during your childhood and adolescent years from low-coast initial levels, so you have enough time to adapt to the change - and by the time you reach adulthood, the process more or less stops, provided you don''t choose to keep steadily leveling. Dungeon Divers, that obviously do, have more frequent encounters with the experience similar to what I''m going through now - but I do believe that I''m couple of digits past any known record of status shift between two individual levels. Even regular adult growth spurts are extremely pleasant, so the one I''m having now theoretically should drive any motherfucker completely insane, but... ... Right, stats. While we''re waiting for what I hope is about to happen soon - allow me to elaborate Four groups, three stats each First group is pretty self-explanatory - Strength is the amount of damage you can do to a Horny Saint with your surprise titty-twister, Speed is how fast you can run away when she tries to split your skull open with her giant hummer, and Endurance is how long it will take for her to catch up to you. Easy Perception determines the amount and density of information streams you can receive from the outside world, Focus is your ability to single out just one stream, and Coordination is how good you are at juggling several. So, Coordination will let you effectively dodge the hammer that Boob Monster is trying to squash you with, while Focus will make sure this won''t distract you from carefully observing her wildly swaying around safety cushions, with Perception vastly increasing the resolution at which you burn this sight into your memory. Fine, I''ll stop now Memory is memory, and also holds knowledge, spells, and most crafting skills, Intellect is, well, duh, but also responsible for Formula-based family of magic called Alchemy, and Intuition, apart from the obvious, governs the most randomly put together sorcery branch of them all - Seed Projection Magic, known as Voice Magic in the old days. They say Intellect allows you to find the only right choice, while Intuition lets you make a choice when there''s no right one - kind of like choosing between the left and right boob of a Horny Sa... OK-OK, now I will stop Willpower is just that, but also the amount of Mana you can stockpile, Bravery is your resistance and Enhancement proficiency, and Wisdom is your recovery and Thaumaturgical aptitude ¨C combined branch of Miracles and Sorcery. There''s also something about Bravery being the power to resist the will of the world, and Wisdom - the power to accept it. Hey, I told you that I''ll stop Overall, stats represent twelve distinct Soma-flow circuits within you and roughly display your potential to do certain actions - so, on their own, they don''t really mean that much. Here''s the example Suppose that me and little Timmy both want to punch each other in the face. We both have Strength at 100, but my Strength is Rank S - and little Timmy only has F, because he''s bad at everything. The resulting impact from my punch will amount to 50, when Timmy strikes a puny 10 at best - the difference is already apparent, but you might be wondering about the whereabouts of the unused strength a little, right? Well, if there is a potential, there''s something to realize it with - and that something is, of course, an active skill. Suppose we both have a skill ?Punch in the Mouth? that utilizes the full 100 Strength we have to offer - the resulting impact will change to 500 and 100 for me and little Timmy respectively, at which point little Timmy''s head will probably fly of and our experiment will be over Pay no attention to the precise numbers - the actual math is a little bit more complicated, but I hope that''s enough to show you that stats basically act as fuel for various skills that are actually responsible for making a bunch of crazy shit happen Where do you get those awesome active skills? From your class on leveling up. What amazing skills does Hero Class have? Very funny Another, less popular way is to get yourself some Personal Skills that are unrelated to your class. Low popularity is understandable, since you have to jump through a bunch of hoops in order to acquire it Meet the level requirement for a specific skill Meet the stat rank requirement for the very same specific skill (usually more than one stat) Repeatedly do the same shit that corresponds with that very skill over and over Get the skill ready for transfer Spend Soma to transfer it to your Seed Spend one of the core stat as well (usually just one) Become a happy owner of a skill that is invariant to your class change - congratulations, I hope it was worth all that hassle The core skills are Endurance, Perception, Memory, and Willpower. By ?spending it?, I do mean literally - you lower your stat value by a specified amount in order to get a new shiny tool. No, class skills require none of that bullshit, but you lose them all on class change - unless you managed to complete all the conditions to Verify your class before switching to another one, in which case the skills from your previous class become available for transfer and, well, see the above At this point you probably figured out that I''m busy fishing for a Personal Skill, so I have only one thing left to add - it''s Personal Talent, actually Similar thing, really, you just don''t have to activate it - the effect is present all the time, but at the expense of much higher Soma and stat coast for transferring Bravery branch, BRV Rank C, MEM Rank C, MEM cost 100, lots of headache Name of the Talent is
>> PERSONAL TALENT : Mental Fortitude >> READY <<
¡ºJess, I-¡» ¡ºI''m on it!¡»
>> MEMORY : (C) : 524 - 100 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú MEMORY : (C) : 424 >> PERSONAL TALENT ACQUIRED: Mental Fortitude LV1
>> Mental fortitude LV2 >> Mental fortitude LV3 >> Mental fortitude LV4 >> Mental fortitude LV5 >> Mental fortitude LV6 >> Mental fortitude LV7 >> Mental fortitude LV8 >> Mental fortitude LV9 >> Mental fortitude LV10 >> Mental fortitude LV11 >> Mental fortitude LV12 >> Mental fortitude LV13 >> Mental fortitude LV14 >> Mental fortitude LV15 >> Mental fortitude LV16 >> Mental fortitude LV17 >> Mental fortitude LV18 >> Mental fortitude LV19 >> Mental fortitude LV20 >> Mental fortitude LV21 >> Mental fortitude LV22 >> Mental fortitude LV23 >> Mental fortitude LV24 >> Mental fortitude LV25 >> Mental fortitude LV26 >> Mental fortitude LV27 >> Mental fortitude LV28 >> Mental fortitude LV29 >> Mental fortitude LV30 ... >> Mental fortitude LV31 ... >> Mental fortitude LV32 ... >> Mental fortitude LV33 ...Fuck ~ >> Mental fortitude LV34 ...Yeah ~ >> Mental fortitude LV35 ...Right ~ >> Mental fortitude LV36 ..............Nice. So nice. And quiet >> Mental fortitude LV37 It''s so quiet ~ >> Mental fortitude LV38 I can hear my hair growing >> Mental fortitude LV39 I can feel my flesh sinking through the sheets >> Mental fortitude LV40 I can taste the tea I drank three months ago >> Mental fortitude LV41 I can smell the sun. How do I do that? >> Mental fortitude LV42 Did her room always had so many colors? >> Mental fortitude LV43 ...Yeah, she was always this beautiful >> Mental fortitude LV44 How can she be so fucking beautiful? >> Mental fortitude LV45 Say something. But please, don''t say anything >> Mental fortitude LV46 I don''t want this silence to end >> Mental fortitude LV47 Don''t let it ever end >> Mental fortitude LV48 It''s so quiet ~ >> Mental fortitude LV49 ¡ºDoes it still hurt?¡» ¡º...What makes you think I was hurting at all?¡» ¡ºRight¡» >> Mental fortitude LV50
>> PERSONAL TALENT : Physical Fortitude >> READY <<
Hm. That would be interesting - but I don''t care ~ ¡ºJess, if you will¡» ¡ºYour wish is my command, My Lord ?¡»
>> ENDURANCE : (C) : 523 - 100 ¡ú ¡ú ¡ú ENDURANCE : (C) : 423 >> PERSONAL TALENT ACQUIRED: Physical Fortitude LV1
>> Mental fortitude LV51 ... >> Mental fortitude LV52 ... >> Physical Fortitude LV2 ... >> Mental fortitude LV53 ... >> Mental fortitude LV54 ... >> Mental fortitude LV55 ... >> Physical Fortitude LV3 ... The clock is too fucking loud. How do I turn it off?
... ... ...
...I mean, I can just start my retirement a little early and just lay in this bed, doing absolutely fucking nothing until the end of days. This whole None-of-My-Busieness concept will take some time to get used to, so might as well start early So, for now - I''m just going to take it easy Just laying here, doing absolutely nothing Simply... staring at this gorgeous naked gem right in front of my eyes ... Absolutely nothing ... Juuust laying ... ... ... ¡ºWanna go another round?¡» ¡º...I really think we shouldn''t, considering...¡» ¡ºAnd I really think we should. Discuss¡» ¡º...Moron ?¡»
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