ã€ŠAccountant Isekaiã€‹


 Prologue: The Day I Died

    So, there I was, staring down a dragon. It made elephants look like small, convertible cars with their tops down. I could feel the heat of its breath, see the poisonous blood well up from the gash in its leg, and see the massive pile of gold it was sitting on tremble with its every move.

    ¡°Humans dare enter my lair?¡± the dragon¡¯s serpentine eyes fixed on me. ¡°More fools who seek my treasure.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s right, I seek your treasure,¡± I admitted. ¡°Because I can use that to help you get more treasure.¡±

    ¡°Get more treasure?¡±

    I said, ¡°Yes! O¡¯ great dragon, with your wealth, honor, and strength, we can start the world¡¯s biggest insurance company!¡±

    <hr>

    Let¡¯s back up. I wasn¡¯t always in a fantasy world with dragons and magic. No, I was born in a world with skyscrapers, cars, and tax software.

    I was an accountant fresh out of college. I had a mundane life. Every morning, I¡¯d get up and do stretches. Then I¡¯d have a breakfast of orange juice, bread soaked in wine, cooked snails, and deep-fried frog legs. My work was close to home, so I¡¯d jog there every day to keep in shape. I made sure to only put on my shoes after I got to work so I¡¯d toughen up my feet. I carried my shoes on my ears while jogging. After work, I¡¯d run back home and eat pasta with octopus ink while playing video games. On the weekends, I¡¯d practice 17th-century rapier fencing and write blog posts about how much I hate the government and wish that I had a replica guillotine.

    Then something happened that changed everything.

    I died.

    It came out of nowhere. Literally. The sky was clear, and I was struck by a bolt of lightning. But I lived.

    Then another bolt of lightning hit me.

    I found myself in a white void. There was no ground under me, but I was somehow still standing. Then a chair appeared in front of me. A man materialized in it.

    He looked like a male human. Not any particular male human from any group of humans, but a male human. To be specific, he looked like he could pass as any type of human. If you put him in France, he¡¯d be a particularly tanned white guy. In Africa, they¡¯d think he was black and just fairly light-skinned. I could say the same about every other part of the world. No matter where this man was, he¡¯d never look out of place.

    I couldn''t move, couldn''t speak. Shock had overcome me completely. What was this white void? Where was I? What the hell was going on?

    "Take deep breaths," the man instructed.

    I did as he told me to. Calming down a little bit, I was able to look around. The chair was the only landmark. Nothing else was in...wherever this was.

    "What happened?" I wondered.

    "Don''t freak out when I say this," the man said. "You died."

    I stumbled around, my head feeling light. My breaths became frantic. Sweat poured down my brow. This was horrible! I died, I was dead, and I...I..I didn''t even know where to start. Countless emotions blasted through my head.

    Then, the man put his hand on my shoulder. A sense of calmness came over me. Then, a chair materialized behind me.

    "Take a seat," he said.

    I sat down, still trembling a little bit.

    ¡°Is this hell?¡± I asked.

    The man answered, ¡°No. It''s not even an afterlife. Think of it as a transitional place.¡±

    Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

    ¡°That¡¯s good,¡± I said. ¡°It means I won¡¯t suffer eternally because of my mundane religion. I mean, I¡¯m a pagan worshipper of Ashur, and a lot of gods wouldn¡¯t want me to worship him.¡±

    Thank Ashur, I wasn''t in Hell or Tartarus or some other horrible afterlife. The thought of going to a place like that or being stuck in this white void for eternity terrified me. At least I knew that I¡¯d end up in some not-as-bad place or eternal paradise.

    The man laughed. ¡°I expected you to say that, but thinking worshipping the head god of Assyria is mundane is a bit extreme, don¡¯t you think?¡±

    ¡°How can mundane be extreme? That makes no sense," I scratched the back of my head.

    ¡°Never mind that and allow me to introduce myself," the man gave me a reassuring smile. "My name is D?¨¦??om.¡±

    I noted, ¡°I heard you say that, but I still have no idea how to pronounce it.¡±

    He shrugged, ¡°I don¡¯t care if your pronunciation is shit. I¡¯m the god of humanity, so I accept you for what you are.¡±

    ¡°Hmmm¡­you say you¡¯re a god, but can you prove it? For all I know, you could be a demon in disguise,¡± I replied.

    ¡°What can I do to prove it to you?¡± D?¨¦??om asked.

    I answered, ¡°Turn the sky purple.¡±

    ¡°Are you some kind of idiot?¡± he facepalmed. ¡°I¡¯m the god of humans, not the god of the sky.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re the only idiot here,¡± I stated. ¡°If you¡¯re the god of humans, you can make it so that my eyes see the sky as purple.¡±

    D?¨¦??om placed his hand on his chin. Perplexion crossed his face.

    He admitted, ¡°That¡¯s a pretty good point. I should have done that.¡±

    ¡°Okay, I believe you¡¯re the god of humans. You¡¯re acting more like a human than a god right now. Besides, a demon would be better at tricking me than you are.¡±

    ¡°I don''t know if I should be insulted or not right now. I¡¯ll just cut to the chase. Do you know why you¡¯re here?¡± he asked as he leaned forward, looking right in my eyes.

    ¡°You told me. I died,¡± I answered.

    ¡°And¡­¡± D?¨¦??om¡¯s face turned serious. ¡°Do you know why you died?¡±

    ¡°A lightning bolt hit me.¡±

    ¡°Yes, but why do you think the lightning bolt hit you?¡±

    I pointed one of my fingers in the air.

    I explained, ¡°A bunch of electrons gathered in the clouds and were attracted to protons on the ground.¡±

    D?¨¦??om said, ¡°A fair answer, but it¡¯s wrong. The truth is that you were assassinated.¡±

    Fear pulsed through me. My hands and feet shook. I took a deep breath to compose myself.

    ¡°This is about my Ashur worship, isn¡¯t it?¡± I sighed.

    The god before me shook his head, his expression even more serious.

    ¡°No. You see, you possess a power called Godslayer. If you attack a god with killing intent, that god will die. The attack doesn¡¯t matter. You could slap a god with a rubber chicken or throw a paper airplane at them, and they¡¯d still die. All that matters is the killing intent.¡±

    My eyes widened in shock, ¡°Then I¡¯m a godslaying badass?¡±

    Excitement blasted through me. This was awesome! I was going to kick ten kinds of ass!

    ¡°Not in the slightest. Aside from having Godslayer, you¡¯re still a normal human,¡± D?¨¦??om then reconsidered his words. ¡°Well, not a normal human, but not exactly a badass.¡±

    ¡°I am a normal human. My life is mundane.¡±

    I folded my arms.

    ¡°Didn¡¯t you ride a pogo stick to your college classes?¡±

    ¡°Yes,¡± I said.

    D?¨¦??om smiled, despite his seriousness, ¡°Well, I have an offer for you. Instead of going to the other side, I can reincarnate you with all your memories. You¡¯ll have a second chance at life and keep Godslayer.¡±

    ¡°Why would a god want to keep someone who can kill gods around?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Because I¡¯m worried about humanity¡¯s future,¡± he answered.

    D?¨¦??om stood up. He circled around me as he spoke.

    ¡°The other gods go around, complaining about how sinful humans are. They don¡¯t judge orcas, house cats, dolphins, chimpanzees, and other animals who are as bad or even worse than humans for being sinful. It''s just you guys. And they don¡¯t take into account that they were the ones who made you this way.¡±

    ¡°Then we humans weren¡¯t created in the image of gods, after all?¡±

    ¡°Of course, you were. That¡¯s why you¡¯re a bunch of assholes,¡± D?¨¦??om stated.

    He then groaned.

    ¡°Most gods are self-righteous hypocrites. Zeus is a mass rapist, Anansi steals things from innocent people, Enlil committed genocide because his followers were making too much noise, Ishtar punishes people for rejecting her advances, and I could go on and on. The fact is that they¡¯re a bunch of assholes who judge humans for doing things they themselves do. Now that you humans are doing to the planet what the gods did to it during the Titanomachy and Great Flood, they¡¯re really looking down on you. Most of them don''t care that you didn¡¯t even realize the damage you were doing until recently. They also don''t care that you''re trying to fix it.¡±

    I said, ¡°What a bunch of assholes.¡±

    ¡°A few gods are still backing humanity, like the Aesir, Ashur, Ares, Athena, Hermes, Heracles, Amaterasu, Inari, Quetzalcoatl, Ishtar, Sun Wukong, the Jade Emperor, Ganesha, the god of orcas, Jesus, Vishnu, and a few other guys. The war gods are generally on humanity¡¯s side,¡± D?¨¦??om explained. ¡°But you¡¯re our nuclear bomb. As long as we have someone with Godslayer who¡¯s alive, the other gods won¡¯t dare make a move on humanity. So, we¡¯ll reincarnate you.¡±

    ¡°Won¡¯t some god just lightning bolt me again?¡± I asked, concern crossing my face.

    ¡°Now that you know that they exist and about Godslayer, they won¡¯t risk it.¡±

    ¡°Can you reincarnate me into a different world?¡± I requested. ¡°My world¡¯s nice and all, but I¡¯d rather have something different than my mundane life.¡±

    ¡°Sure thing,¡± D?¨¦??om said. ¡°You¡¯ll get more powerful in other worlds anyway. I¡¯ll even send you to a world that¡¯s suited for you.¡±

 Chapter 1: A New World

    A bright light shone in my eyes. My eyes adjusted to the light. There was a cord coming out of me. It stretched back and right up a woman¡¯s¡­

    ¡°Holy fuck,¡± was the first thing I thought. ¡°I guess I should have predicted that I¡¯d be reincarnated from birth.¡±

    A different woman cut the cord with a knife and tied a soft woolen thread around the cord. She dressed me in swaddling clothes with incredible gentleness. A glow emerged from her hands, and a smile crossed her face.

    "That glow? That was magic, wasn''t it?" I thought.

    "It was," D?¨¦??om replied.

    Excitement flowed through me.

    "This world has magic! I can''t wait to learn it! Will I be able to shoot fireballs, summon spirits, shoot lightning bolts from my fingers, fly?"

    "Calm down. You''ll learn what you can do eventually. Right now, just focus on your current life."

    ¡°You have a healthy baby boy,¡± the woman said.

    She placed me in my mother¡¯s arms. My mom gazed down at me with a soft smile on her face. Her grip was gentle but firm. I felt safe in her arms, knowing that she''d never drop me.

    My father, a tall man with a thick mustache and clothing that looked like something an aristocrat would wear in late 1300s or early 1400s England, beamed with pride. I really fucking hoped that I wasn¡¯t in this world¡¯s version of England.

    I looked between my mother and father. They both had dark brown, almost black, hair. Their faces were heart-shaped, and my parents had brown eyes. They looked so similar that I worried that they were related. Their clothing meant they were most likely nobles, and the nobility generally had a level of inbreeding.

    ¡°My dear Gustav,¡± my mother smiled as she stroked my cheek. ¡°You¡¯re so cute.¡±

    Yes! A Scandinavian name! I¡¯m less likely to be in fantasy England!

    My father noted, ¡°He looks hungry.¡±

    ¡°Then we¡¯ll have to feed him,¡± my mother said.

    Sweat poured down from my brow. This was bad, very bad. They didn¡¯t have baby formula in the Middle Ages, so that meant I¡¯d be breastfed! I died in my 20s, and I still have all my memories of my past life! Being breastfed by my mother is just too awkward! I turned my face away from her, too embarrassed to look at her face.

    To my relief, she handed me to another woman. This girl was tall. Her eyes were a beautiful shade of light green, and her blonde hair practically shined in the sunlight beaming into the room.

    ¡°He¡¯s awfully sweaty,¡± the new girl stated.

    She placed her hand on my forehead. ¡°But he doesn¡¯t feel very hot.¡±

    The midwife put her hands on me again. They glowed.

    She said, ¡°He¡¯s perfectly healthy. Maybe he just needs some milk?¡±

    ¡°He might,¡± the new woman nodded.

    I REALLY hoped that this woman wasn¡¯t related to me either.

    Over the next few days, I learned a few things. First, the new woman was my wet nurse. She¡¯d stay with the family even after I was done breastfeeding. This girl would help raise me, and she''d become a servant of mine in the future. Her name was Joanna Smed. I tried to purge the memories of being breastfed from my mind to keep things from getting awkward in the future.

    I heard my patron god chuckling in the back of my head when I failed.

    ¡°You¡¯re going to remember this,¡± he said. ¡°Because it¡¯ll be funny.¡±

    ¡°Remind me to beat you over the head with a stick later,¡± I thought.

    ¡°Sure thing, dude.¡±

    I honestly liked having this sort of relationship with D?¨¦??om. It was much more personable than some god coming down from the sky and giving some grand speech before fucking off.

    My suspicions that my family were nobles were confirmed too. Father was Count Luthor VI von Blitzburg, and mother was Countess Matilda von Blitzburg. I disliked being a noble, but it was the perfect chance to do some real good. Most nobles didn''t care about commoners, so I''d be the one helping out the peasants. The lands my family ruled were part of the Kingdom of Greenrivers. This realm was like the Holy Roman Empire and Scandinavia. However, it was also distinct from them.

    You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

    The names are a good example of that. Most names were German or Scandinavian. But a lot of them were also English.

    Joanna was from a noble family too. Though, the House of Smed was a knightly family. They were lower ranking than mine.

    My family''s seat of Blitzburg was a minor city on the Southern border of Greenrivers. Our castle was its citadel, built on a tall hill in the town¡¯s center.

    While I dislike the nobility as any good man of my homeland does, I also recognized this was an opportunity to help the commoners. Someone in a position of power but from my perspective could do a lot of good.

    And then it turned out that I was fucking inbred. My parents were first cousins. I wanted to bash my head against a wall when I found out. Thankfully, I¡¯d later learn that my parents¡¯ incest was as far as my family¡¯s inbreeding went. I just hoped to hell that I didn''t have hemophilia or anything like that.

    Another thing I wondered about was the language barrier. I shouldn¡¯t have understood a thing anyone said, but I did so from birth. Then I remembered that D?¨¦??om sent me here. He probably gave me the ability to understand them. Still, I needed to keep people from getting suspicious of me. So, I pretended I couldn''t understand anyone until I was old enough.

    Then I ran into another issue. I had all the memories of my past life, but I still had a child¡¯s body. More than my physical abilities were affected. My mental abilities were too.

    This became a problem first when I was four. My father put me on his lap and sat on a chair.

    ¡°My son,¡± he said. ¡°It¡¯s time for me to tell you the history of our family. Normally, I¡¯d wait until you¡¯re older, but you¡¯re very precocious.¡±

    This was it, a thrilling history lesson of adventure! I got so excited, but then¡­

    Father stated, ¡°It all started 500 years ago. This was before the world awakened to magic. Our ancestor, Luthor I, was a minor courtier put in charge of managing farms. You see, he had a great knowledge of farming from his days¡­¡±

    My father kept going on and on about agriculture and how great Luthor I was at it. I had a high tolerance for boredom in my first life. I did office work, after all. But unfortunately, I was in the body of a child with a kid''s brain chemistry.

    I was struggling to keep my eyes open long before my father got to the part where Luthor I was given a fief after conquering some guys somewhere by doing something. Why the hell did he have to go with the boring stuff first? Couldn''t he have started off with the fighting? I was mentally checked out by the time he got to it!

    On a different note, my parents gave me a lot of toys to play with. I had a toy knight, a toy wizard, several wooden swords, and a bunch of other things. My child''s brain liked playing with them despite my adult memories telling me that I should only like playing with toys if dice were involved.

    ¡°Fuck those memories! I¡¯m a little kid, dammit! I¡¯m gonna have so much fun playing with these toys! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!¡± I thought.

    ¡°You are definitely not normal,¡± my patron god commented.

    Around the same time, Joanna started teaching me my prayers.

    She said, ¡°There are many gods out here, too many for someone to pray to all of them. So, we only pray to the gods that apply to our lives. However, everyone in Greenrivers prays to a certain god. He is the patron deity of our kingdom, and you must pray to him before dinner and before bed every night.¡±

    I nodded.

    ¡°Say these words before a meal,¡± Joanna put her hands together. ¡°O¡¯ great D?¨¦??om¡­¡±

    ¡°D?¨¦??om, eh?¡± I thought. ¡°I think I can see why you reincarnated me here of all places.¡±

    ¡°Oh, come on! Why wouldn¡¯t I put you in a place where I have influence?¡± his voice entered my mind.

    ¡°I¡¯m not complaining,¡± I replied.

    ¡°You¡¯re not?¡±

    ¡°No. This is perfect. If you¡¯re the patron god of this place, I can just hang out as a count and not worry about the other gods sending their followers to kill me. You¡¯re not as stupid as you look.¡±

    ¡°Thank you,¡± D?¨¦??om said. ¡°You¡¯re only slightly stupider than you look.¡±

    Things went on with me doing normal child activities for a while longer. Despite starting earlier than usual, my lessons lacked detail. My father thought I was precocious, but he knew I was still very young. I learned a few details, but it was just a broad overview.

    When I turned 6, Joanna dressed me in the finest clothes my family had for me. They were velvet robes with an ermine cloak draped behind them. The cloak was clasped together by a golden chain with a silver amulet in the center. There was an excited look on Joanna''s face.

    ¡°It¡¯s finally time!¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯m so excited for you!¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s happening?¡± I asked.

    ¡°You¡¯re six, so you¡¯re taking your first trip to the Holy See, the temple of all the gods.¡±

    I said, ¡°What?¡±

    I thought, ¡°What?¡±

    ¡°Listen to your wet nurse, Gustav,¡± D?¨¦??om advised me.

    ¡°When young nobles reach six, they¡¯re taken to the Holy See where the Grand Oracle judges their magical affinity and connection to the gods. Pretty much every six-year-old noble in the continent will be there. It¡¯s the most important event for any young noble," Joanna explained.

    My mother walked into the room, ¡°I remember when I went to the Holy See. It was 94 years ago.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m seriously going to a place where a bunch of gods have influence, and¡­¡± I thought before my mind turned to another sudden revelation. ¡°My mom¡¯s 100 years old?¡±

    ¡°Yup,¡± D?¨¦??om replied.

    ¡°She looks like she¡¯s in her 20s!¡±

    ¡°Yup.¡±

    I asked, ¡°How does that even work?¡±

    D?¨¦??om explained, ¡°Spellcasters stop aging sometime in their 20s. The kingdoms heavily restrict when they can have children and how many kids they can have to avoid overpopulation. It¡¯s why you don¡¯t have any siblings. Also, spellcasting is genetic, and the nobility are all spellcasters. So, you¡¯ll be one too.¡±

    ¡°Then that means¡­¡±

    ¡°Yes. If you play your cards right, you¡¯ll live forever,¡± the god said. ¡°And I¡¯ll be able to keep using you to make sure the other gods don¡¯t wipe out humanity without having to reincarnate you over and over again.¡±

    ¡°Well, then, I¡­¡± Then a different thought came to me. ¡°Hang on! Why are you okay with me going to the Holy See? One of the other gods might try to send his followers to assassinate me there!¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t worry about that,¡± D?¨¦??om assured me. ¡°Soon enough, there will be very few people willing to assassinate you, even if another god tells them to.¡±

    He refused to elaborate. Damn gods with their mystery fetishes.

 Chapter 2: The High Elves

    How can I get a statue of myself that¡¯s that big?¡± I thought.

    Of course!¡± I mentally slapped my face. ¡°How could I be so stupid? The answer was obvious!¡±

    Part of why the parents are going into a ritual alone is so their children can socialize. There were a lot of nobles here, and their children¡¯s relationships could impact the their families,¡± I thought.

    I know what you mean. Talking to other kids when your parents are there can feel pretty weird.¡±

    Are those clothes different national styles?" I thought.

    I think I''ll try to make some international connections."

    Must¡­resist¡­urge¡­to¡­invent¡­ guillotine,¡± I thought.

    Magic emerging in the world must have really upended things,¡± I thought.

    Then things ended well.¡±

 Chapter 3: The Grand Oracle

    The room was dark and damp, made of gray stone walls that closed in on all sides. A sense of claustrophobia set in. I felt like I was trapped inside a cave. The room was lit by what appeared to be incense candles. Glowing wafts of smoke emanated from the wicks, and I caught a whiff of cinnamon. It was somehow intoxicating. Numerous stone statues lined the walls, powerful figures that must have represented the realm''s pantheon of gods. Their jade green eyes stared back at me as I familiarized myself with their figures.

    At the far end of the room was a tall, emaciated woman. She sat on a chair made of stone. Her body was draped in a thin white cloak. The walls around her had countless cracks in them. Dark smoke drifted out of the fissures and into the woman''s nose. There was a faint smile on her vacant face.

    ¡°I am the Grand Oracle. Come to me, children. I will see what I can,¡± she said.

    A line formed. Hildoara was at the front. There were many noble children between us, but there were also numerous children behind me. Complete silence had overtaken the room.

    ¡°The people behind you are the children of viscounts and barons. Your wet nurse said that every six-year-old noble will be here, but most knights don''t get to take their children to the Holy See,¡± D?¨¦??om explained.

    "Why didn''t Joanna tell me that?" I thought.

    "That should be obvious. She doesn''t know."

    "How could she not know?"

    "Your family doesn''t have many knights, the ones that you do have their own fiefs, and she''s served your family since she was young. She probably didn''t even think about asking what ranks everyone had at her visit to the Holy See," D?¨¦??om said.

    Hildoara stepped forward. The oracle placed her hands on the princess¡¯ cheeks. Her hands glowed, and the oracle nodded.

    ¡°Your magical affinity is as broad as it can get. You¡¯re a wizard, princess,¡± she said.

    I thought, ¡°D?¨¦??om, could you tell me what magical affinity is?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s the sort of thing you''re supposed to learn when you get older, but it should be fine to tell you now. There are a bunch of types of magic. Some people are more talented at some types of magic than others. Sorcerers are good at elemental magic, and necromancers are good at necromancy, for example. Wizards have an affinity with every type of magic, but they aren¡¯t as good as people with an affinity with just one type. A wizard can¡¯t make a bigger undead army than a necromancer or shoot a fireball better than a sorcerer. But they can still make a pretty good undead army and be pretty good at shooting fireballs.¡±

    Excitement flowed through me.

    "I can''t believe it! I''m going to find out what type of spellcaster I am! This is so cool!" I thought.

    After getting through the princes and princesses, the oracle moved on to the children of dukes. Then, she came to the sons and daughters of markgrafs and boyars. Dimitri stepped up to her.

    ¡°A necromancer,¡± the oracle stated.

    "Not atypical of nobles of his homeland," D?¨¦??om commented.

    Eventually, I approached the oracle. My hands shook with nervousness. I took deep breaths to steady myself.

    "Please go well, please go well, please go well," I begged.

    "Don''t worry. You''ll be fine," D?¨¦??om assured me.

    "I hope so," I thought.

    She placed her hands on my cheeks. It felt like someone shoved dry ice into my face. My instincts tried to make me shy away, but I was frozen. I had to endure the burning pain.

    ¡°A wizard, but there¡¯s something else¡­¡± she said.

    Her eyes widened in shock. At once, the oracle placed one of her hands on top of my head.

    ¡°Do you hear me?¡± she asked.

    ¡°Yes,¡± I answered.

    D?¨¦??om also answered, ¡°I hear you.¡±

    The oracle said, ¡°Which god are you?¡±

    ¡°You¡­you can talk to him too?¡± my jaw dropped.

    ¡°I am D?¨¦??om,¡± he stated.

    ¡°A Saint!¡± the oracle declared. ¡°This boy is a Saint of D?¨¦??om!¡±

    Every adult and child had expressions of shock on their faces. All eyes were on me. Some people smiled, others'' faces were plastered with concern, and still more had expressions of reverence.

    ¡°We haven¡¯t had a saint of D?¨¦??om in a thousand years!¡± a priest declared.

    ¡°This is truly amazing!¡± another added.

    The oracle took her hand off my head. She grabbed me by my hips and raised me into the air. I felt relief as the burning pain stopped. Then something else came to my mind.

    ¡°D?¨¦??om,¡± I thought. ¡°What the fuck does being a Saint mean in this world?¡±

    ¡°It means that you have a direct mental connection to a god. It''s how you can talk to me in your head.¡±

    ¡°And that¡¯s supposed to be a good thing?¡±

    ¡°Sure is. It won¡¯t make you perfectly safe, but even people commanded by other gods to kill you will give some pause first,¡± D?¨¦??om said.

    My life was mostly the same after I became a saint. Everyone knew a god was talking to me, but I was still a kid. My education as a nobleman ramped up after I returned from that trip, but this was the general custom.

    One of the first things I had to study was the Code Duello, a 500-page book detailing all the rules of magical duels. It was an incomprehensible mess that only a spellcaster would be crazy enough to even try to memorize. The rules varied from being incredibly nonsensical to nigh-impossible to figure out. And, of course, I had to know every sentence by heart.

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    This was so boring that it made office work look like a roller coaster ride.

    I was also taught magic, swordsmanship, polearm use, administration, history, manners, poetry, religion, law, and every other thing aristocrats had to learn. But there was one lesson in particular that was confusing at first.

    ¡°Mother,¡± I asked. ¡°This book says things like dragon and nature spirits were in the world since it was created.¡±

    ¡°They were,¡± she answered.

    ¡°But we¡¯ve only had magic for 250 years.¡±

    ¡°We have, but dragons and nature spirits aren¡¯t magical,¡± Mother said.

    What?

    ¡°What? There¡¯s no possible way an animal the size of a dragon could fly without magic,¡± I pointed out.

    She seemed confused, ¡°I don¡¯t see what size has to do with it.¡±

    ¡°D?¨¦??om,¡± I thought. ¡°Are dragons magical?¡±

    ¡°Of fucking course, they are. The people of this world just don¡¯t know they¡¯re magical. They think of them as purely natural beings,¡± he replied.

    ¡°Then why don¡¯t you tell them?¡±

    ¡°It was hard enough for me and Krewh to convince the other gods to let the humans of this world have magic at all,¡± D?¨¦??om explained. ¡°Even with godslayers like you, I don¡¯t want to piss them off more than I have to.¡±

    Soon after, my father took me into a large stone room with a magic circle. The walls were lit by candles. There was a stern expression on his face. Yet, he gazed at me with pride.

    "Normally, someone your age wouldn''t learn this ritual, but you''re more than smart enough to learn it," he said. "Watch and learn."

    My father stepped up to the magic circle. He raised his arms into the air and chanted. His body glowed. The glow moved from him to the circle. Then, there was a flash of light. When it died down, a bearded man with pointed ears stood before us. He wore blacksmith''s clothes.

    "Alright, Count Blitzburg, what do you want now?" he asked.

    "Routine weapons maintenance, nothing more," my father answered.

    "I''ll get to it, then."

    The bearded man pulled out a blacksmith''s hammer and left the room.

    "Who was that?" I wondered.

    "That was Filoin, a dwarf I made a magical contract with," my father explained. "Dwarves are nature spirits. They live inside of rocks, even rocks that are smaller than them. The most powerful dwarves live inside of mountains."

    I furrowed my brow.

    "Mother told me nature spirits aren''t magic."

    "They''re not magical. They''re just another part of the world. The ancestors of orcs are spirits of violence. And wood elves, the original elves, are nature spirits tied to the forest they live in. Should the forest die, the elves will follow. And should the elves die, the forest will follow. Now, I''ll show you the ritual again. Memorize it."

    A while later, I was in my family''s solar. I was reading books on various creatures. I came to a chapter about vampires.

    "Vampires, servants of the blood god," I read.

    Blood god. Those two words convey imagery of war and violence, swords and spears sticking out of blood-stained bodies, libations poured from the cut-out hearts of human sacrifices, and people laughing in maniacal glee as they slaughter everyone before them in a bloody frenzy of death.

    None of that had anything to do with the blood god. Krewh, the blood god we¡¯re talking about, was a friendly deity of healing. Most vampires were very skilled doctors from before magic came around. Krewh turned them into vampires, so they could keep healing people long after they''d have died of old age if they stayed human. People saw their blood drinking as a disability and not anything monstrous. People donated blood so the vampires could feed.

    Krewh didn''t make many vampires after magic came around. The reason was was that magical healing replaced medicine, and spellcasters didn''t age.

    Another time when I was looking at a book, I saw something strange. It was an image of a human with doll-like joints.

    "Marionettes," I read. "Human-sized dolls that come to life when someone puts enough genuine care and love into them. Under the laws of Greenrivers, they have the same rights humans do. Marionettes are incapable of having children."

    "There are a lot of nobles married to marionettes these days," D?¨¦??om said.

    "Why? Don''t nobles need heirs?" I questioned.

    "Yes, but it isn''t as important anymore. Nobles don''t age, so many of them just make older relatives their heirs. Marriage alliances aren''t as valuable as they once were for the same reason. So, nobles marry for love a lot more than before. And a bunch of them find marionettes attractive."

    "I can see the appeal."

    "A lot of women hate marionettes. As far as they''re concerned, marionettes steal potential husbands," D?¨¦??om added.

    While most of my life was normal for a noble of my rank, it changed in some ways. I had to keep up correspondence with various other young nobles. After my status as a saint was revealed, every noble in the room wanted their children to be my friends. I had to write letters to every single one of them over and over because my parents thought I was too young to have a crystal ball. Even his Majesty King Eduard the Defenestrater of Greenrivers had his son, Prince Jeremy, write letters to me. King Eduard wasn''t even at the Holy See when I was.

    Prince Jeremy was 12. I can imagine that he hated being forced to write letters to a kid half his age.

    ¡°Maybe I should write about how my best friend is the weird voice in my head?¡± I thought.

    ¡°How about you go on a psychotic rant about how the weird voices in your head are telling you to kill people?¡± D?¨¦??om suggested.

    ¡°Very funny. Now onto another topic, I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever have any friends.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t worry. It¡¯ll take some time, but I¡¯m sure you can make friends with the other little kids you write to,¡± he said. ¡°Maybe you could even go on a playdate where you say your dolls are action figures and that girls have cooties?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s a bad idea. Everyone knows that cooties are a type of drug High Elves take,¡± I replied. ¡°And besides, I don¡¯t trust any of them as far as I can throw an elephant. They only want to use my status as a saint for their own benefit.¡±

    ¡°What about Dimitri and Hildoara?¡±

    I stated, ¡°I trust them as far as I can throw a rhino. They were interested in me before they found out I was a Saint, but it was still for political reasons. Everyone else wants to manipulate me so they can contact you.¡±

    ¡°And now, you¡¯re realizing the downside of being a Saint.¡±

    One day when I was seven, I sat at a desk in my family''s solar. It was a large room on the second floor of our castle. Books filled numerous shelves in it, and there were several arrow slits that let sunlight inside. I was reading various letters the other noble children sent to me. The first letter I looked at was from Princess Hildoara.

    ¡°Saint Gustav, if you had a little brother, how far would you go to protect him?¡± it read.

    ¡°What a strange letter. It''s pretty suspicious. Based on the childbearing laws of Vandalland, she shouldn''t have any younger siblings. Is she talking about someone she knows?¡± I thought.

    ¡°She has several sisters and a little brother. You see, the King of Vandalland doesn¡¯t obey his own birth-regulating laws,¡± D?¨¦??om explained. ¡°So, he has all his sons murdered when they reach the age of six. He doesn¡¯t want them to try to take the throne from him.¡±

    I felt like every vein in my forehead was going to burst. My fists trembled in rage.

    ¡°Why the fuck didn¡¯t you tell me this?¡±

    ¡°You can¡¯t do anything about it,¡± D?¨¦??om replied.

    ¡°Bullshit, I can¡¯t!¡± I shouted, catching my wet nurse¡¯s attention.

    Joanna asked, ¡°Is something wrong?¡±

    ¡°Nothing,¡± I grabbed several sheets of paper. ¡°I¡¯m just scheming.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t tell me that you¡¯re turning out like Duke Armand,¡± she sighed.

    ¡°Shhh. I¡¯m focusing.¡±

    First, I drew a design for a guillotine with a guide on how to make it. Then I wrote detailed instructions on making someone''s death look like a hunting or falling down a staircase accident. I included detailed accounts of successful coups. Also, I told her how to make Botulinum toxin, one of the deadliest poisons. My last step was describing the difference between acids and bases. This was so that Princess Hildoara could invent a magic spell that summons a base because they¡¯re better at dissolving corpses than acids.

    ¡°The fact that you know that worries me,¡± D?¨¦??om said.

    I replied, ¡°I¡¯m still focusing.¡±

    Then I looked through a book of spells. I found one that created a magic seal. The seal could only be broken by the intended recipient of a message unless enough magical power was applied to destroy the letter itself. It was one of the first spells invented, and it was simple enough for me to master it with ease. Soon enough, I cast the spell. Then I sent the letter to Princess Hildoara. Well, it was more of a packet than a letter, but still.

    ¡°And I¡¯ve done all I can,¡± I stated.

    D?¨¦??om replied, ¡°You know that this might end up starting a civil war, right?¡±

    ¡°Is the King of Vandalland a good leader?¡±

    ¡°No. He¡¯s honestly pretty tyrannical.¡±

    ¡°Then he should get his head chopped off and mounted on a pike,¡± I thought.

    ¡°You¡¯re right that he should be overthrown,¡± D?¨¦??om seemed conflicted. ¡°Just want to make sure you know what consequences your actions could have.¡±

    ¡°Does that mean I did the wrong thing?¡± I asked.

    He answered, ¡°No. You might have absolutely done the right thing, but we won¡¯t know that for years to come.¡±

    ¡°Then let the die be cast.¡±

 Chapter 4: Accounting in Another World

D?¨¦??om,¡± I thought. ¡°Do they have debits and credits in this world?¡±

    Let¡¯s hope they don¡¯t have them. I might be able to make use of this.¡±

    Yes!¡± I thought. ¡°This is perfect!¡±

    No debits and credits,¡± I answered.

 Chapter 5: Interlude 1

    Princess Hildoara of Vandalland had grown a lot since she was a child. Her muscles were athletic from years of training, and she had matured nicely. At the moment, she wore something that looked like it had the pants of an 1800s men¡¯s horse-riding outfit, a decorated purple 1410s England woman¡¯s dress that went down to her hips, and some sort of vaguely Byzantine woman¡¯s cloak. Any historian who saw it would have a heart attack.

    At the moment, the princess was in her room. She gazed into her crystal ball. Hildoara wondered if Count Gustav had one of those yet. The noblewoman wanted to talk to him for a moment. After all, she would be very busy soon and might not have time to.

    ¡°Your Royal Highness,¡± a man with a swirly mustache and a suit of plate armor said. ¡°Are you ready?¡±

    She nodded, ¡°I am.¡±

    Hildoara put on her armor before grabbing an estoc and placing it on her belt. She took a deep breath and moved out of her room, going through the castle and into the great hall.

    King Albiunus was at the end of the great hall. The monarch sat on a throne so large that it could seat a giant. It made him look more like a child than a king. He had a look of contempt on his face as he tapped his fingers against his seat. His body was gaunt, his eyes were sunken in, and his fingernails were so long that they looked like they''d snap off at any moment.

    ¡°It¡¯s been years,¡± he gritted his jagged teeth so hard that they cracked again. ¡°And yet you fools still can¡¯t find my son? How can I possibly be at peace while he still lives?¡±

    ¡°Father!¡± Hildoara shouted.

    His attention turned to her.

    A cruel smile formed on his face, ¡°My dear daughter, did you find your wretched brother?¡±

    She gazed over the knights in the room. Most of them gave her nods.

    ¡°I have,¡± Hildoara said.

    Albiunus¡¯ smile widened, ¡°Good. Good. Bring me his corpse!¡±

    ¡°You won¡¯t see it. I¡¯d say that I¡¯ll send you to your other sons, but you¡¯re not going to the same place they went,¡± she drew her sword and pointed it at his face with magic crackling from her weapon.

    On signal, most of the knights in the room drew their swords and placed them at the throats of the knights loyal to the king.

    ¡°Oh. Just what do you think you¡¯re doing?¡± Albiunus chuckled. ¡°Trying to overthrow me? You fool. The nobles of this kingdom would never back a woman leader!¡±

    ¡°They aren¡¯t backing me, but your son. After you and all the rival claimants are dead, he''ll take the throne!¡± Hildoara declared.

    ¡°Hmph. It seems I will have to teach you a lesson. I challenge you to a wizard¡¯s duel!¡±

    Rather than reacting with fear, terror, or excitement, all the commoners in the room groaned.

    Hildoara smirked, ¡°I¡¯ve long since surpassed you, Father. I will make your last moments ones of humiliation!¡±

    She took a few steps back. Albiunus stepped down from his throne. All those who could use magic looked on with intense expressions. The people who couldn¡¯t use magic laid down on the floor or bashed their heads against walls.

    ¡°Taste my wrath!¡± Albiunus shouted. ¡°Meteor strike!¡±

    A pebble lightly fell on Hildoara¡¯s head, bounding off and landing on the ground.

    Her smirk didn¡¯t fade, ¡°A predictable move from you, father. Let¡¯s see how you handle this: Spear of the Gods!¡±

    A flower grew from the palace tiles. It sprayed water on Albiunus¡¯ face.

    ¡°Damn you!¡± he shouted.

    Hildoara gave him a mocking salute with her sword.

    ¡°Why don¡¯t they ever use the cool spells for their duels?¡± a commoner groaned.

    Another said, ¡°I wanna see meteors and magic spears, not pebbles and flowers!¡±

    ¡°Taste this!¡± Albiunus¡¯ face contorted with rage. ¡°Rotting flesh!¡±

    A roast chicken on a nearby table rotted.

    ¡°In your arrogance, you¡¯ve lost your touch long ago, Father,¡± Hildoara¡¯s smile faded, and she narrowed her eyes. ¡°It¡¯s time to end this.¡±

    She raised her sword in the air. Magical power gathered around it. The very air turned into a void. Reality distorted as her blade turned pitch black. That blackness concentrated around its tip, and Hildoara cast her spell.

    ¡°Black Hole!¡±

    Tiny black spots formed all over Albiunus¡¯ clothes.

    ¡°Noooooooo!¡± he shouted, collapsing to his knees. ¡°Those clothes are ruined! I surrender! I cannot best you!¡±

    ¡°Victory is mine!¡± Hildoara said.

    ¡°Finally. It¡¯s over,¡± a commoner stood up. ¡°Please tell me you¡¯re going to use a cool spell to kill him.¡±

    ¡°No. I have something different in mind. Knights, take him to the courtyard!¡±

    Albiunus would be sent straight to Hell by a guillotine.

    King Eduard the Defenestrater was two heads taller than most men. The monarch was known for his stern countenance. He wore great robes of purple, red, and silver. A beard that was neatly trimmed into two separate points that looked like a pair of mountains hung from his face. Currently, Eduard was on his crystal ball inside a military tent. His wife sat next to him. She was a beautiful woman with a somewhat practical dress of purple, red, and silver. Her golden hair was in a bun, and her every movement contained incredible grace and elegance.

    This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

    ¡°Are you certain?¡± King Eduard asked. ¡°You¡¯re just forgiving my debts, no strings attached.¡±

    ¡°I am. You don¡¯t have to pay us a single bronze trachy,¡± Count Luthor answered.

    ¡°Very well. I will accept this.¡±

    With that, he ended the call.

    Eduard noted, ¡°This is very strange. I¡¯d have paid his debt, but he canceled it. What do you think of this, Eleanor?¡±

    ¡°I think we should ask our son this,¡± his wife replied. ¡°It¡¯ll be good for his continued education.¡±

    Prince Jeremy entered the tent at their request. He looked similar to his father, except he had no beard.

    ¡°How foolish of them,¡± he said.

    ¡°Why do you say that?¡± Eduard questioned.

    ¡°They¡¯re spending a lot of money for your sake, and you owed them a lot of money,¡± Jeremy stated. ¡°Now, they¡¯re not getting any of it.¡±

    ¡°Read between the lines, my son. Nothing is as it at first seems. First, would Count Luthor forgive my debts unprompted?¡±

    That gave the prince pause.

    ¡°No. If you asked him to, he would, but he knows his financial situation.¡±

    ¡°He didn¡¯t do it,¡± Eleanor stated. ¡°His wife wouldn¡¯t have suggested it either. Those cousins are way too similar.¡±

    ¡°Then who¡¯s¡­that¡¯s it! This must be Saint Gustav¡¯s doing!¡± Jeremy said.

    ¡°Why him?¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s the only one who has access to the family''s records and could hold enough sway to convince those two.¡± The prince pondered, ¡°But why would he convince his father to forgive his family¡¯s debts?¡±

    Eduard suggested, ¡°Perhaps this is D?¨¦??om¡¯s plan?¡±

    Jeremy shook his head, ¡°No. A god of his power wouldn¡¯t concern himself with the debts of minor lords, even if one of them is his Saint. Gods have larger things to worry about. This is Gustav¡¯s doing. That boy is far more clever than he seems. There¡¯s some trick to this.¡±

    ¡°Let¡¯s call upon our resident scheme expert, Duke Armand.¡±

    They told the duke everything that happened. He was a very skinny man with a sly look. His mustache resembled an early 1900s movie villain who¡¯d tie some woman to train tracks. The duke didn¡¯t wear purple; however, his clothes were still very fancy.

    ¡°It¡¯s a simple matter, your majesty,¡± Armand said. ¡°A debt is a symbol of bondage, like that between lord and vassal or that between me and my wife.¡±

    ¡°Wives are bound to their husbands,¡± Jeremy nodded.

    ¡°That isn¡¯t the type of bondage I meant, but I¡¯ll take it. Now, forgiveness is reconciliation. However, it¡¯s also the ending of conflict. The message is simple and clear: he¡¯ll break the bonds of lordship with you if you don¡¯t get him out of the conflict arisen from his debts.¡±

    ¡°Really, now?¡± Eduard questioned.

    Armand stated, ¡°It¡¯s either that, or he just doesn¡¯t trust you to actually pay back the debts.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s probably that he doesn¡¯t trust me,¡± the king groaned.

    Eleanor sighed, ¡°You make things far too complicated, Duke Armand.¡±

    ¡°But what now, your majesty?¡± the duke questioned.

    Eduard said, ¡°The von Blitzburgs are in trouble, and they have given me good service, keeping those fucking stoners away from me. So, my plan will remain the same. When this campaign is over, I will give them some of the lands I conquered. I might give a bit extra too. I have no intentions of making enemies with any saints.¡±

    Still, the king grimaced. It could be weeks, months, or even years before the Protein Shake tribe was subjugated. His magic was far more powerful. But the barbarians would hide in the woods, engage in hit-and-run warfare, and evade his forces as best as they could. This conquest would last for a very long time to come.

    ¡°Your majesty, the Protein Shake King has surrendered!¡± one of his men ran inside.

    Other soldiers brought a ridiculously muscled man wearing nothing but a loin cloth into the room. He was shivering.

    Eduard said, ¡°Well, that was fucking easy. Why did you give up?¡±

    ¡°My men¡¯s barbarian abs and pecs got frostbite,¡± the Protein Shake King stated.

    ¡°That¡¯s what you get for wearing nothing but loin cloths and bikini armor in the North. Now, I will hold court in your castle to cement this conquest.

    Numerous commoners and lords alike were in the shoddy, poorly constructed barbarian hall that looked like it could collapse at any moment. The building was also situated on the very edge of a 500-foot cliff. Still, Eduard didn¡¯t regret his decision to hold court there. He raised his hand, and magic flowed through the hall. The walls and floor were reinforced so that even a point-blank hit from a trebuchet wouldn¡¯t leave a single scratch.

    ¡°Court is now in session,¡± Eduard said.

    Two peasants were ushered forward. One of them was morbidly obese and missing his front teeth. The other was very skinny. Eduard noted that the latter was properly averting his eyes from him while the other looked right into his face. Fatso did not please the king.

    ¡°You may gaze upon me now.¡±

    The skinny commoner looked at the king.

    ¡°Tell me what your dispute is,¡± Eduard ordered.

    ¡°Well, I¡¯ve got some land you gave my family, your majesty,¡± the skinny peasant explained. ¡°And it¡¯s supposed to be my land, for my crops and animals.¡±

    ¡°I am aware of why I granted you your land, yeoman.¡±

    The peasant rushed out his next words, ¡°Well, this one here¡¯s been grazing his sheep on my land. He even broke my fences to get there.¡±

    Eduard asked, ¡°Is this true?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll let my sheep eat wherever I want,¡± fatso stated.

    ¡°You will not. That land was granted to this man here for his livestock. Yours have no right to be there. If you do not stop grazing your sheep on his land, I will fine you.¡±

    ¡°No one tells me what to do!¡±

    ¡°Who is this person who speaks to me as if he has any authority,¡± Eduard couldn¡¯t believe how stupid this motherfucker was.

    ¡°I won¡¯t let anyone tell me what to do!¡± fatso declared. ¡°Even my king!¡±

    Eduard picked him up and threw him out a window that faced the 500-foot cliff.

    In a mountain-top castle, a tall man with a thick mustache and practical yet ornate red outfit overlooked a vast forest. Two men snuck up behind him. They held a sword in one hand with the other hand ready to cast spells.

    The mustached man said, ¡°I¡¯d say this is getting annoying, but I¡¯m long past that point.¡±

    They didn¡¯t have time to react. Their target was behind them, and their bisected bodies collapsed. The mustached man pulled out a cloth, wiping the blood off his longsword before sheathing it.

    A servant entered the room, ¡°Another boyar attempt to overthrow you, Voivode?¡±

    ¡°Yes,¡± the mustached man sighed. ¡°I was hoping they¡¯d at least be smart enough to wear armor so I could make an example out of them, but you can see that my sword went right through them.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll just do the usual, then.¡±

    ¡°Go ahead, but first,¡± the Voivode pulled out a crossbow and shot it straight up.

    Another boyar fell from the ceiling.

    ¡°It¡¯s a miracle that we haven¡¯t run out of nobles yet,¡± the servant noted.

    ¡°More like a curse.¡±

    The Voivode walked off, speaking as he did so.

    A beautiful woman with dark brown hair and the sun in her eyes approached the Voivode as he walked into a courtyard.

    ¡°Dalv, the servants have prepared dinner,¡± she stated.

    ¡°I will see you there, Trish,¡± he grabbed her hand, kissed it, and smiled before his expression turned serious. ¡°I just need to make sure the latest boyar plot to overthrow me is done with. It¡¯s always the damn boyars.¡±

    ¡°At least it¡¯s just the boyars. It¡¯d be trouble if more than them came after you,¡± Trish said.

    Then Dalv nodded.

    ¡°You¡¯re right. The commoners wouldn¡¯t want to overthrow me, but that isn¡¯t what I meant. You never see foreigners trying to come after me. Can¡¯t I get some variety at least?¡±

    He groaned.

    ¡°I can¡¯t believe it. I of all people know how dangerous having enemies within and without can be, but I¡¯m begging for someone different to try to take my head,¡± Dalv slapped his face.

    Trish said, ¡°Sometimes, I worry about you, Dalv.¡±

    ¡°I would have thought you¡¯d worry more because, hold on a moment,¡± the Voivode aimed his crossbow and shot another boyar who was hiding in a bush. ¡°Because the boyars keep trying to kill me.¡±

    ¡°They¡¯ve been trying to replace you with¡­I¡¯m not even sure if you have any relatives who have a claim on Weltai anymore, but they¡¯ve been trying to replace you with someone who¡¯d support them for more than 250 years,¡± she stated. ¡°If they were going to succeed, they¡¯d have done it by now. No, your mental state is far more important.¡±

    ¡°He worries about my mental state all the time too,¡± Dalv sighed.

    ¡°Tell him that we appreciate his concern,¡± Trish smiled.

    ¡°We appreciate your concern,¡± the Voivode stated before nodding. ¡°Well, that¡¯s good news at least.¡±

    ¡°What is it?¡±

    ¡°Can¡¯t say. There might be a boyar or one of their spies listening to us.¡±

    Dalv kept walking, a grin crossing his face.

    He thought, ¡°So, our newest saint is finally acting? You¡¯d better not disappoint me, Saint Gustav von Blitzburg. I expect great things from you.¡±

 Chapter 6: The Dungeon: Part 1

    A camel leopard? That¡¯s just an old word for a giraffe,¡± I thought.

    I don¡¯t care,¡± I thought before speaking. ¡°I¡¯ll kill those snails! I¡¯ve longed to taste some ever since I was born!¡±

    That¡¯s a good idea,¡± I thought. ¡°If they don¡¯t like escargot, maybe they¡¯ll like frog legs?¡±

    That¡¯s not cool!¡± I thought. ¡°She¡¯s like a second mother or maybe a big sister to me!¡±

    Dammit!" I thought. "Why didn''t anyone tell me that there were sideswords in this world? They''re the predecessors to rapiers! I would have gotten one of those instead of an arming sword if I knew!"

    I thought gods liked people being devoted to them,¡± I thought.

    Fuck! He¡¯s from fantasy England! I can tell right away by his accent!¡±

    Well, this is off to a terrible start. I hope that idiot doesn¡¯t get us lost.¡±

    Damn it all! He¡¯s going to kill the kobold if I don¡¯t do something!¡± I thought.

    But I can¡¯t just sit here and do nothing. What can I do?¡±

 Chapter 7: The Dungeon: Part 2

Are unprovoked wars of conquest like this one of the reasons why a lot of gods want us dead?¡± I thought.

    You know?¡± I thought. ¡°I really hate this world right now.¡±

    They sure do.¡±

 Chapter 8: A New Plan

    I woke up on the other side of the lava illusion. The first thing I did was jump up and look for Joanna. She was staring at the cave wall, her back turned to me. A sigh of relief escaped from my mouth.

    The rest of the party was looking over a massive vault door. Well, all of them except Red Caedy, who was sitting by my side.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± she said.

    I replied, ¡°Why? You didn¡¯t kill Joanna.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re right, but that¡¯s because I couldn¡¯t bring myself to do it. I saw how much you cared about her. It reminded me of how much I loved my little brother. I don¡¯t think you¡¯re a bad person, Saint Gustav, not after seeing you save that kobold. I didn¡¯t want to hurt you.¡±

    ¡°You still didn¡¯t do it, but I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever forgive you for even trying,¡± I stated.

    Caedy nodded, ¡°I don¡¯t blame you. I also don¡¯t blame you for threatening to kill me to protect her.¡±

    ¡°But did you just apologize for trying to kill Joanna, or was there another reason? I''m getting the feeling that there''s more to this than how it looks.¡±

    ¡°I think you can figure out why.¡±

    A sinking feeling entered my body. I looked at Joanna. She kept her back turned.

    ¡°The bond you had was severed, and it¡¯s all my fault,¡± Caedy said. ¡°I know that you just said those things to save her, but I don¡¯t think Joanna cares.¡±

    ¡°Fuck,¡± I thought. ¡°Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!¡±

    ¡°Calm down, Gustav. This isn¡¯t the end of the world,¡± D?¨¦??om advised.

    ¡°It might as well be. I fucked up so damn badly! It¡¯s over for me and Joanna!¡±

    ¡°Spellcasters don¡¯t age,¡± D?¨¦??om reminded me. ¡°Even if it takes you centuries, you¡¯ll patch things up eventually. Besides, she loves you like a son. I¡¯m sure you¡¯ll laugh about this a few months from now.¡±

    ¡°How could she love me after what I said, especially in a world like this? It¡¯s impossible!¡±

    ¡°Caedy,¡± I grit my teeth. ¡°After this quest, you should leave the county and get as far away as you can.¡±

    ¡°Thank you for giving me a head start,¡± she said.

    ¡°Consider yourself lucky. Any other noble would have already killed you.¡±

    The gate creaked open, revealing a lab beyond it. A woman in brown robes ran out with tears flowing from her eyes.

    ¡°Thank you so much!¡± she stated. ¡°I was trapped in here for so long! Get me out of this place!¡±

    Quest complete.

    Joanna stayed away from me on the trip back. She kept her distance even after we returned home. While we didn¡¯t get the loot she thought we would, the reward for the quest itself was still enough to keep us afloat for an extra month.

    I pulled out numerous financial records, figuring out exactly how much money my family spent on a regular basis and to whom. Afterwards, I looked through history books. Then, I brought the information I had gathered before my parents.

    ¡°Mother, father,¡± I said. ¡°If we didn¡¯t pay taxes, we¡¯d be able to break even with the high elves'' current population growth rate and the current rate our family''s revenue is increasing.¡±

    Rage crossed my father¡¯s eyes, ¡°Are you suggesting we break the law?¡±

    ¡°Not at all. We need to get Marcher Lord status.¡±

    ¡°How are we supposed to do that? The elves won¡¯t attack us, and the city-states to the South are too busy fighting each other to invade.¡±

    I stated, ¡°The High Elves are peaceful now, but they weren¡¯t always this way. Hundreds of years ago, they raided the surrounding lands for money to buy drugs with. If we weren¡¯t able to give them money, they might go back to raiding again.¡±

    ¡°They might,¡± father admitted.

    ¡°That means we''re protecting the border,¡± I smiled. ¡°We can tell his Majesty this and can get Marcher Lord status. We won¡¯t have to pay taxes, can use the money we no longer have to pay as taxes to placate the high elves, and any extra money I can get us will be a profit or spent if the high elves have a population boom.¡±

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    ¡°Absolutely not.¡±

    My father¡¯s words shocked me.

    I asked, ¡°Why?¡±

    ¡°This would be the same as defrauding his majesty, even if your logic is correct.¡±

    ¡°Yes,¡± mother agreed.

    ¡°Besides, if you don¡¯t have any other ideas,¡± father said. ¡°I have a plan of my own to get the money we need.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± I wondered.

    Mother stated, ¡°My brother, Count Luthor, has a daughter who needs a husband. We could get a dowry if you were to marry her.¡±

    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!!

    My mind raced at incredible speed. If I just told them that inbreeding¡¯s bad, even if I said D?¨¦??om told me that, they¡¯d think that I¡¯m just trying to get out of a marriage! They wouldn¡¯t be wrong, but I only want out because I don''t want to fuck my cousin! Arranged marriages are still the norm in this world, even after the nobility no longer aged, so I figured I''d have no choice but to get into one. But there''s not a chance in hell that I''m marrying my cousin!

    ¡°D?¨¦??om, help!¡± I thought.

    ¡°Not now,¡± he replied. ¡°I¡¯m in the middle of a tense diplomatic meeting with our boy Odin, that fucking rapist Zeus, and Shiva.¡±

    Fuck.

    ¡°I have a plan that¡¯ll get us a lot of money,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯ll be far more profitable than a dowry from a count.¡±

    Father nodded, ¡°Very good. We can fall back on the marriage plan if this doesn¡¯t work.¡±

    ¡°Of course, Father,¡± I replied.

    I calmly walked out of the room. When I was sure my parents couldn¡¯t see or hear me, I bolted out of our castle and into the city streets.

    ¡°Alright, the meeting¡¯s over. What do you need?¡± D?¨¦??om asked.

    ¡°My parents want me to marry my cousin!¡±

    ¡°Fuck.¡±

    "No! I don''t want to fuck her!" I thought before contemplating, ¡°Can you give some massive revelation or something about how bad inbreeding is?¡±

    ¡°Krewh did that 500 years ago. Most people listened, but cousin marriage was never outlawed in your kingdom, and some nobles think that keeping the bloodline pure is important,¡± he replied.

    Now, I had two goals: getting my family out of debt and getting myself out of having to marry my cousin.

    ¡°If I don¡¯t get more money for my family than a countess¡¯ dowry would in my next plan, I¡¯m fucked,¡± I thought.

    ¡°Alright, I¡¯ll help you out,¡± D?¨¦??om said. ¡°First off, magic advances like technology does, but it advances in different ways. Some things are easier to do with magic than technology and vice versa.¡±

    ¡°Go on.¡±

    ¡°Recently, a new magical thing was discovered: how to record images on crystal balls.¡±

    I smiled, ¡°Movies! A multi-billion-dollar industry in my old world!¡±

    D?¨¦??om replied, ¡°Exactly, and it just so happens that there¡¯s a playwright with one of the new recording crystal balls in the next city over.¡±

    ¡°Thank you so much! I¡¯ll sacrifice a goat to you,¡± I promised.

    ¡°Please don¡¯t. I hate goat meat,¡± he said.

    I sacrificed a pig instead.

    Soon, I was in the town of Svensburg. As much as I wanted her there, I didn¡¯t take Joanna with me. Our relationship was done for, and trying to fix it was pointless. I still found someone I could take.

    The minotaur from the dungeon walked alongside me through Svensburg. People around us gazed in awe at the monster. How did I get this minotaur to work for me, you ask? It was simple. I gave him a field of grass to graze on. There aren¡¯t exactly many things cows like to eat in minotaur labyrinths.

    We walked over to a theatre where a short, fat man had his head planted on a script.

    I asked, ¡°Excuse me, are you Donny Malvito?¡±

    He pulled his head up, ¡°Yeah. What¡¯s it to you?¡±

    ¡°I am Saint Gustav von Blitzburg, son of Count Luthor VI von Blitzburg,¡± I introduced myself.

    ¡°A noble? A saint? A guy with a pet minotaur?¡± his tone became very respectful as he noticed my family crest on my clothing, got up and bowed. ¡°It¡¯s an honor to meet you, Saint.¡±

    ¡°Please, call me Gustav,¡± I said. ¡°And the minotaur¡¯s Dr. Minos.¡±

    Donny asked, ¡°What brings you to my humble theatre?¡±

    ¡°I heard you have a crystal ball that can record motion.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s right! I¡¯m gonna record my plays. Then, I¡¯ll send these recordings all over the place. That way, I can make money in cities too far for my actors to get to.¡±

    ¡°A very good plan,¡± I stated. ¡°But you don¡¯t seem all too happy.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re right. My play doesn¡¯t get big enough crowds, you see? The people who see it like it, but it just doesn¡¯t have that pizzaz, you get me?¡± he asked.

    ¡°I get you, and I have a deal for you. If you make me one of the play¡¯s producers and give me a share of the profits, I¡¯ll make it the biggest hit the world¡¯s ever seen.¡±

    Donny said, ¡°No offense, Gustav, but you don¡¯t know much about the theatre business.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re right, but I know people. No matter where you go, a human is a human. What I¡¯m going to help you with is getting humans to see your play.¡±

    ¡°Alright,¡± he nodded. ¡°Shoot.¡±

    ¡°First, we need women,¡± I said. ¡°Not just any women, but attractive women.¡±

    ¡°Women? What are you talkin¡¯ about? Girls can¡¯t act,¡± Donny stated.

    I assured him, ¡°Women can act just as well as men. And, even if they can¡¯t, looking good is sometimes more important than being a good actor. Think about it this way: which would you rather see? A play with a bunch of men dressed up as women or a play with a bunch of beautiful women with big breasts.¡±

    ¡°By the gods,¡± he realized. ¡°You¡¯re right! And even if we can¡¯t find girls good enough for the main roles, we¡¯ve got plenty of side characters for them to play.¡±

    ¡°Maybe we can even put a scene in the movie that involves girls bathing?¡± I suggested.

    ¡°Oh, I like the way you think! Wait, movie?¡± he asked.

    I said, ¡°It¡¯s short for motion picture. I think it¡¯s what we should call recorded plays.¡±

    Donny shrugged, ¡°Call it whatever you want. I¡¯ll get the contract drawn up right away.¡±

    He stood up before hesitating.

    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Girls actin¡¯ in a play, and girls with big honkers too. A scene with girls in a bath. A lotta people are gonna say that this play¡¯s corruptin¡¯ the youth.¡±

    ¡°As one of the youth, I can tell you that we¡¯re already corrupted by virtue of our existence.¡±

    ¡°But people will start sayin¡¯ things about us, bad things,¡± Donny pointed out.

    ¡°Hey, D?¨¦??om,¡± I said out loud. ¡°Are you okay with it?¡±

    He stated, ¡°Yes. Just make sure to include a scene with girls mud wrestling.¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s fine with it, and he has an idea of his own.¡±

    ¡°Alright!¡± Donny smirked.

    ¡°I have one more big idea: we need a star,¡± I said.

    ¡°Is D?¨¦??om gonna pull it out of the sky for us?¡±

    ¡°Not a literal star,¡± I stated. ¡°You need someone to play the lead who¡¯ll make a big impression. We need a manly man, the sort of guy men want to be and women want to be with. Even if women don¡¯t normally like your play, they¡¯ll come just to see him.¡±

    Donny smiled, ¡°I know just where we can find the guy. I¡¯ll get our contract written. Then, we¡¯re catchin¡¯ a dragon to the barbarian tribes. They¡¯re about to have their annual Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian contests.¡±

 Chapter 10: Meeting Swordsmen

    My back ached as I sat on an uncomfortable seat at the dragon port with Dr. Minos. The minotaur got all sorts of strange looks from the people nearby us; however, he ignored them and kept reading his architecture book. Minotaurs look strange when they¡¯re wearing reading glasses.

    ¡°I¡¯ve got to ask. Why are the dragons okay with us using them to fly around?¡± I thought.

    ¡°Some dragons are too weak to compete with other dragons. They get jobs from humans,¡± D?¨¦??om explained.

    I heard footsteps marching towards me in the distance. When I turned in their direction, Joanna was standing there. A sense of awkwardness flowed through me. She gave a deep sigh and shook her head.

    ¡°Gustav,¡± I could tell it was taking her everything she had to avoid shouting. ¡°What are you thinking? You¡¯re traveling all the way across the continent with just that minotaur to accompany you.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m an adult,¡± I said. ¡°And my parents couldn¡¯t come because they had to manage the estate and be ready in case his majesty or a duke calls upon them.¡±

    Joanna groaned, ¡°I understand that, but why that minotaur? He almost killed you!¡±

    ¡°He almost killed me when you were protecting me. So, he must be a skilled and strong warrior.¡±

    She sighed, ¡°I can¡¯t argue with that, but why didn¡¯t you bring me?¡±

    ¡°I didn¡¯t think you¡¯d want to come,¡± I replied.

    Joanna let out a deep sigh and shook her head.

    ¡°Gustav, is this about the dungeon?¡± she asked.

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°I will admit that I¡¯m still a little mad about what you said to me, but I don¡¯t blame you for it,¡± Joanna stated. ¡°You didn¡¯t actually mean what you said. You were just trying to save my life by being very harsh.¡±

    ¡°If I ever actually order you to die,¡± I said. ¡°Kick me in the balls and run away.¡±

    She chuckled, ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever need to do that.¡±

    There was a moment of awkward silence before I spoke.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry that I said those things to you.¡±

    Joanna replied, ¡°And I¡¯m sorry that I tried throwing my life away out of secondhand guilt. Honestly, even if Caedy had killed me, you¡¯d have ensured that she wouldn¡¯t live long after. And I doubt it would have settled her desire for vengeance.¡±

    ¡°Really? That¡¯s why you¡¯re sorry you almost threw away your life?¡± disappointment flowed through me.

    ¡°No, it isn¡¯t,¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s just a thought that came to me. My death would have just made everything worse if I died back there.¡±

    ¡°I suppose I should introduce you to Dr. Minos now,¡± I decided to change the subject.

    ¡°Dr. Minos? I swear, no noble in the world except you would even consider traveling around with a minotaur. And you¡¯ve named him Dr. Minos on top of that?¡±

    ¡°His full name is Dr. Asterios Minos,¡± I stated. ¡°And he really is a doctor. He has Ph. D.s in engineering, architecture, and classical literature.¡±

    Dr. Minos gave us a thumbs up.

    ¡°3 PHDs? Where could he possibly study at?¡± Joanna questioned.

    I said, ¡°He went to Manny¡¯s Malevolent Monastery for Moronic Monsters.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not sure about the credentials of that place. It doesn¡¯t seem like a proper university.¡±

    ¡°Well, it¡¯s good enough for me.¡±

    Joanna nodded, ¡°I already bought a ticket for this dragon flight. Where are we going?¡±

    ¡°The barbarian lands far to the North,¡± I explained. ¡°I have a plan.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s a good thing that you brought this minotaur. Some of the barbarians might have a grudge against our kingdom,¡± she admitted.

    ¡°Yes. I¡¯ll introduce you to Donny on the flight over.¡±

    A while later, we were called to our flight and entered a large, enclosed platform on top of a dragon¡¯s back.

    The dragon said, ¡°Please remember to turn off your crystal balls before takeoff.¡±

    I did as much, and we took off into the air. I gazed over the ground far below us. It reminded me of the times when I flew in an airplane in my past life. Another thought came to me as I observed the scenery below.

    ¡°Not many people travel here,¡± I noted. ¡°Even compared to the Middle Ages in my original world.¡±

    D?¨¦??om said, ¡°That¡¯s because of all the monsters. People don¡¯t have to worry about them in your world. But here, they¡¯re such a threat that merchants rarely travel more than a few cities away from their hometown. Commoners only go on pilgrimages when they¡¯re desperate. The only people who regularly travel are nobles and adventurers. Nobles bring large groups of guards to protect them and have to travel anyway, and adventurers make a living killing monsters.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s another thing I¡¯ll have to fix sooner or later.¡±

    We arrived at a large city in the barbarian lands. Ice and snow surrounded it, and the air was so cold that I could see my breath.

    ¡°I¡¯m freezin¡¯ my ass off out here!¡± Donny complained.

    Joanna pointed out, ¡°You¡¯re wrapped up in three layers of animal furs.¡±

    ¡°And I¡¯m still freezin¡¯! I¡¯m gonna find a nice, warm tavern we can stay at.¡±

    ¡°A tavern is beneath Gustav¡¯s dignity. He is a saint,¡± my wet nurse stated.

    ¡°I¡¯m fine with it,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯d rather not draw attention. Besides, the taverns probably need the money.¡±

    ¡°Normally, they would, but a big event like the Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian contest means that a lot of nobles and their retainers will be traveling. The most minor nobles and their retainers will fill the taverns.¡±

    Donny asked, ¡°Where else are we supposed to stay, my lady?¡±

    ¡°A temple,¡± Joanna answered. ¡°They¡¯ll gladly house saints and their entourages there.¡±

    Dr. Minos raised his hand.

    ¡°Yes, even minotaurs they¡¯re traveling with.¡±

    Dr. Minos pumped his fist.

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    ¡°D?¨¦??om, is this a good idea?¡± I thought.

    He replied, ¡°Probably not. I don¡¯t want to take any chances with another god finding out you have Godslayer or knowing and trying to kill you.¡±

    I asked, ¡°Joanna, I¡¯m not too keen on a temple myself. I don¡¯t trust this land¡¯s gods, and neither does D?¨¦??om. Do you have any other ideas on where we could stay?¡±

    ¡°Yes. We could go to a hospital. I¡¯d personally rather go to a tavern, though.¡±

    ¡°Then tavern it is,¡± I said.

    We found a strangely empty tavern. Aside from the bartender, the only person there was a woman about three years older than me. She had a stern look on her face, white hair, clothing made for combat, a longsword on her hip, and a sheathed greatsword next to her.

    ¡°A two-handed sword, a commoner warrior woman,¡± Joanna whispered.

    I questioned, ¡°Why is that strange? Every woman I know is a warrior.¡±

    ¡°All nobles are expected to train in combat because we have magic,¡± she explained. ¡°But the same can¡¯t be said of commoners. Common women being warriors is exceptionally rare unless they¡¯re an elf or similar race.¡±

    D?¨¦??om added, ¡°This is why noblewomen have more rights than they did in your world¡¯s Middle Ages. Honestly, they¡¯re only treated a more inferior than men are by comparison. On the other hand, women¡¯s rights for commoners are about the same as in your world¡¯s Middle Ages.

    ¡±

    That made sense. The ability to inflict violence is a path to many positive things and possibly many negative things. Such is the nature of the world.

    ¡°I¡¯ll go get us a room, Your Excellency,¡± Donny said.

    He walked over to the inkeep, and the woman gave him a strange look before her eyes turned to me. She stood up before stomping right over.

    ¡°You there, you¡¯ve got a family crest on your cloak. Are you a noble?¡± she asked.

    I answered, ¡°I am.¡±

    She knelt down and looked at my sword, ¡°Your sword¡¯s wrong too. Yup, you¡¯re not him.¡±

    ¡°You should talk with more respect,¡± Joanna glared. ¡°Do you have any idea who you¡¯re talking to?¡±

    ¡°If he¡¯s in a tavern like this, there¡¯s no way he¡¯s some big name.¡±

    The woman smirked.

    ¡°You¡¯re probably the bastard son of some knight.¡±

    I said, ¡°I am Saint Gustav von Blitzburg, son of Count Luthor VI von Blitzburg.¡±

    The woman¡¯s smirk turned upside down and she went deathly pale.

    ¡°I¡¯m so sorry, saint! Forgive me!¡± she got on her hands and knees. ¡°I¡¯ll buy you dinner, pay for your room, just forgive my trespass!¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s fine, really,¡± I stated.

    ¡°I insist! Just forgive me, saint!¡±

    ¡°Fine, you can do something for me,¡± I said. ¡°I want to talk to you and hear your story.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s¡­not a pleasant story,¡± she looked to the side.

    ¡°Alright, then you don¡¯t have to tell it.¡±

    The woman begged, ¡°Please, let me do something to make up for my trespass!¡±

    ¡°Make up your damn mind,¡± I groaned.

    She ran over to a table in the corner of the room, ¡°I¡¯ll tell you. Over here. I don¡¯t want anyone overhearing us.¡±

    I decided, for no particular reason, to show off a bit of my kineticism. This is a form of magic based on enhancing your physical body. I moved about five times as fast as she did to the corner. Dejection crossed the woman¡¯s face for a moment before disappearing. She became dead serious.

    ¡°This is a painful story,¡± she said.

    ¡°Don¡¯t tell me anything painful. Just tell me your name, what you¡¯re doing here, and why this tavern is empty,¡± I stated.

    Relief crossed her face, ¡°I am Astrid Cobbler. My goal is to become the world¡¯s greatest sword fighter. I understand that it¡¯s a far too ambitious goal for a commoner and a common woman at that, but I¡¯ve still taken it upon myself.¡±

    She pointed at the greatsword that was still leaning against the bar.

    ¡°I specialize in greatswords. I¡¯m certain that I don¡¯t need to tell you about the benefits their reach gives.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t.¡±

    Astrid took a deep breath, ¡°A swordsman named Johannes Talhoffer will be arriving here soon. He¡¯s fought 30 duels and never lost once. He¡¯s my age, and he¡¯s known for using a sidesword and dagger. I¡¯m here to challenge him to a duel. One of us will die and the other will prove to be the superior swordsman.¡±

    I questioned, ¡°Is he known for anything else?¡±

    ¡°Yes,¡± she said. ¡°He¡¯s known for using dirty tricks and never fighting fair. If I can beat someone who¡¯s fighting unfairly with my own skills, it¡¯ll truly show how strong I am.¡±

    ¡°Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!¡± I thought.

    ¡°What is it now?¡± D?¨¦??om asked.

    ¡°This is Miyamoto Musashi and Sasaki Kojiro!¡±

    Someone who specializes in a greatsword against someone known for using two weapons who doesn¡¯t fight fair.

    The god stated, ¡°It is similar.¡±

    I said, ¡°Astrid, you can¡¯t win this fight.¡±

    Her expression turned to a glare, but she turned the glare into a softer expression almost instantly.

    ¡°It¡¯s not because you¡¯re a woman,¡± I explained. ¡°Someone who¡¯s fighting fair cannot possibly beat someone who isn¡¯t.¡±

    ¡°I hope you aren¡¯t the type of noble who gets a grudge when you¡¯re proven wrong,¡± Astrid stated.

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

    The tavern door opened. A fairly unassuming man the same age as Astrid stepped inside. He had a sidesword and dagger on his hips. She stood up, her face grim. Astrid walked right over to him. Their eyes met.

    ¡°Are you Johannes Talhoffer?¡± she asked.

    He answered, ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°I am Astrid Cobbler,¡± she said. ¡°I assume you¡¯ve heard of me?¡±

    ¡°Yes, I have. You¡¯ve fought 40 duels and never lost,¡± Johannes nodded.

    ¡°Then I¡¯m certain you know what I¡¯m here for.¡±

    ¡°I do.¡±

    Astrid said, ¡°One hour from now, at the hill outside the city gates.¡±

    Johannes stated, ¡°I¡¯ll see you there.¡±

    He left the tavern, and Astrid went right to her greatsword. She exited too. I followed after her.

    ¡°What are you doing?¡± Joanna asked.

    ¡°Getting involved in something I don¡¯t have to and that I really shouldn¡¯t,¡± I answered.

    I explained what it was as we and Dr. Minos followed Astrid.

    Joanna told me, ¡°You¡¯re right. This is something you shouldn¡¯t be involved in. So, what¡¯s your plan?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m going to use my powers of oration to convince Astrid to not go through with this. If that fails, we¡¯re going with Plan B,¡± I wrote out a list with incredible speed. ¡°Dr. Minos, follow this list¡¯s instructions to the letter.¡±

    He grabbed the list, saluted me, and walked off.

    I said, ¡°Now, to unleash my grand powers of oration.¡±

    My grand powers of oration did nothing, and as the hour passed, Astrid stood on top of the hill.

    ¡°Please, don¡¯t do this!¡± I begged.

    ¡°Great saint, I apologize for this, but I have to go through with this fight. I must become the world¡¯s greatest sword fighter,¡± she replied.

    More time passed, and Johannes was nowhere in sight. Astrid¡¯s anger flared up.

    She gritted her teeth, ¡°Did he run like a coward? No, that isn¡¯t like him. He must be up to something.¡±

    I said, ¡°Joanna, Astrid¡¯s lost the fight.¡±

    ¡°I apologize for contradicting you, Saint Gustav, but I haven¡¯t lost yet. The fight hasn¡¯t even started,¡± the woman could barely contain her rage.

    ¡°Gustav, are you sure that she¡¯s lost?¡± Joanna asked.

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°No! No!¡± Astrid started pacing. ¡°That damn bastard, I¡¯ll cut his head off!¡±

    She kept pacing. A total of an hour passed before Johannes showed up. To my surprise, he was wearing very fancy clothes that were completely unsuited for sword fights. Johannes also didn¡¯t have a boat oar with him; however, one of his hands was behind his back.

    Astrid shot him a glare that could shatter a castle, cut ice, and burn cookies.

    ¡°You¡¯re late,¡± she said.

    ¡°I apologize for my lateness,¡± Johannes stated while looking down. ¡°I was pretty nervous and couldn¡¯t figure out what to give you, so I settled with these.¡±

    The hand behind his back came out, revealing that it had a bouquet of flowers in it. He handed them to Astrid. Her anger evaporated like snow placed in a furnace. A massive blush covered her face.

    ¡°Do you like them?¡± he asked.

    Astrid grabbed the flowers with a trembling hand while holding her greatsword over her shoulder with the other, ¡°Ummm, they¡¯re great! Wonderful!¡±

    Johannes said, ¡°I have to ask: why did you bring a greatsword to a date?¡±

    ¡°Oh, this?¡± Astrid held it in the crook of her arm and rubbed her forehead. ¡°Self-defense! You can¡¯t be too careful, you know?¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t believe this,¡± Joanna stated. ¡°Just a moment ago, you were going to¡­¡±

    Astrid ran over to Joanna, grabbed her, and whispered right into her ear, ¡°This is the first time a man has ever been interested in me. Please don¡¯t ruin this for me.¡±

    ¡°Hey, Johannes,¡± I walked over to him.

    ¡°Yes, my lord?¡± he asked.

    I hated that I was happy that he showed me the respect nobles claimed they deserved.

    ¡°I¡¯d just like to know your logic,¡± I said. ¡°A woman who¡¯s been going around, fighting people in duels approached you, and your first assumption was that she¡¯s asked you out on a date.¡±

    He replied, ¡°That¡¯s why every other woman I met approached me.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re both undefeated swordsmen.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s right,¡± Johannes smiled. ¡°It means that we have a common interest. We¡¯ve both also been traveling around a lot and in a bunch of duels, so we understand each other¡¯s experiences. In all honesty, I don¡¯t think there¡¯s a woman more suited for me than her.¡±

    Astrid ran back over, trying to hide her blush behind her flowers.

    ¡°So, uhhh, what brings you around here?¡± she asked.

    He answered, ¡°I¡¯m here to see the Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian contest.¡±

    ¡°What a coincidence!¡± Astrid lied as naturally as she breathed. ¡°I came all this way to see this too! I just happened to be here at the same time as you!¡±

    ¡°I guess it should be expected that multiple people are here for the same event,¡± I said.

    ¡°And that¡¯s why I was talking to Saint Gustav here! He¡¯s going there too, and I figured that we could travel together for safety!¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s a good idea,¡± Johannes stated. ¡°I have a lot of experience fighting monsters.¡±

    Astrid grabbed his arm with her shaking hand, still holding the greatsword in the crook of her arm.

    She forced a smile despite her blush, ¡°Now, I have some plans for our date. Just give me a few moments to remember them while we wander in the city.¡±

    5 seconds after they left, Dr. Minos walked out of the city. He was wearing a jester suit with bells hanging from his horns. His entire body was covered in butter and olive oil. Dr. Minos was also carrying a plate filled with oysters.

    ¡°Don¡¯t worry,¡± I assured him. ¡°We won¡¯t have to use Plan B.¡±

 Chapter 11: New Retainers

    The next day, my party was getting ready to leave the city. We were just about to leave when Astrid and Johannes approached us.

    ¡°Hey, you two. Did the date go well?¡± I asked.

    Astrid blushed and looked down.

    ¡°It went great,¡± she said.

    ¡°The date seemed pretty improvised, but it was still really fun. I guess Astrid was really nervous about the whole thing,¡± Johannes stated.

    ¡°I wasn¡¯t nervous!¡± Astrid¡¯s blush grew.

    ¡°It¡¯s fine, Astrid. I think it¡¯s cute when girls are nervous on their first date,¡± he said.

    ¡°Then I was nervous. Yes, I was so nervous that I couldn¡¯t think straight.¡±

    ¡°You can¡¯t think straight, alright,¡± Joanna sighed. ¡°But I don¡¯t think that¡¯s a bad thing in this case.¡±

    ¡°Well, we¡¯ll be going now. I have to get to the Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian contest,¡± I said.

    ¡°Please wait,¡± Johannes spoke.

    He and Astrid knelt before me.

    ¡°My lord,¡± they talked at the same time. ¡°Please accept us into your service, Saint Gustav.¡±

    Shock covered the faces of my companions.

    ¡°Getting people begging to work for you so soon? You should count yourself lucky, Gustav,¡± D?¨¦??om stated.

    I thought, ¡°I do, but this is a bit suspicious.¡±

    ¡°This is sudden. Why do you want to serve me?¡± I asked.

    ¡°We want to learn magic,¡± Astrid explained.

    ¡°You did a lot of talking on your date, didn¡¯t you?¡± I wondered.

    ¡°Yes,¡± she said. ¡°I told Johannes that my goal is to become the world¡¯s greatest sword fighter.¡±

    ¡°I thought that was an awesome goal!¡± Johannes added.

    ¡°Doesn¡¯t that make you rivals?¡± I questioned.

    ¡°I was surprised that he was happy about it too,¡± Astrid admitted.

    ¡°Astrid didn¡¯t have to worry. I was never trying to be the world¡¯s best swordsman,¡± Johannes stated. ¡°I was just wandering around, killing monsters because I have nothing better to do.¡±

    Dejection crossed his face. A look of guilt formed on Astrid.

    ¡°If that¡¯s the case, why were you fighting all those duels?¡± I asked.

    ¡°I got a reputation as a great swordsman and people kept challenging me. My teacher told me that I should think like a tactician and not a fighter, so I never fought fair, and I never lost. That made more people challenge me,¡± Johannes answered.

    Astrid said, ¡°I still feel bad.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t have to. I don¡¯t think you suffered less than I did.¡±

    ¡°That doesn¡¯t matter. All this time, I was just thinking of myself. I didn¡¯t think of any of the people I dueled or anyone I met,¡± she stated.

    ¡°So, why do you want to learn magic, Astrid?¡± I asked.

    ¡°It started when I saw you move earlier when you used magic to enhance your body. I could barely keep up with it. And even without body-enhancing magic, nobles don¡¯t age. They have potentially infinite time to get better at sword fighting while we commoners only have a few decades before we grow too old and feeble.¡±

    ¡°And you¡¯re taking the chance that you¡¯ll be able to use magic? It typically runes down bloodlines.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s a chance that I can use magic. My father was a noble, a duke. I¡¯m his bastard daughter.¡±

    ¡°A duke?¡± I asked. ¡°What happened to him?¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s dead,¡± her voice filled with sadness.

    Johannes put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry for your loss,¡± I said.

    ¡°It¡¯s not your problem, so don¡¯t worry about it. But there¡¯s a chance that I can practice magic. If I can get you to train me, my abilities could manifest.¡±

    ¡°Okay, so you might be able to use magic,¡± I stated. ¡°What about you, Johannes?¡±

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    ¡°I was born from a corpse in a sacked city, and I never knew who my father was. I never figured out who my mother was either. But I might be descended from someone who could practice magic,¡± he explained.

    ¡°It¡¯s a small chance, but still a chance. And sometimes commoners have magic despite not having the bloodline. Now, tell me: what¡¯s your goal? Why do you want to learn magic?¡± I said.

    ¡°This feels a bit weird to say,¡± Johannes stated. ¡°I¡¯ve never had anything like a goal before. All I¡¯ve been thinking about is how to get my next meal, how to survive my next duel, how to kill my next monster. But thanks to Astrid, I came up with something I want to do.¡±

    Astrid¡¯s entire body turned red when she heard that.

    ¡°I want to invent some new magical weapon, probably a sword of some sort,¡± Johannes explained.

    ¡°He¡¯s going to help me become the world¡¯s greatest swordsman and in return, I¡¯ll help him with his goal,¡± Astrid added.

    ¡°Those two¡­are so cool!¡± I thought.

    ¡°If only every couple could be like them,¡± D?¨¦??om said.

    ¡°I¡¯d be happy to take you two into my service,¡± I stated. ¡°But we have a big issue: compensation.¡±

    Joanna walked over to me.

    ¡°Be careful with what you say. If people found out about your family¡¯s situation, they¡¯d try to take advantage of it,¡± she whispered.

    ¡°Don¡¯t worry. I¡¯ll be careful,¡± I replied.

    ¡°Is there some issue with money?¡± Astrid asked.

    ¡°To put things in simple terms, my parents gave me a limited allowance. I can only spend so much, and I can¡¯t afford to pay the full salary of a retainer.¡±

    ¡°How much would it cost to be trained in magic?¡± she questioned.

    ¡°Is it more than it costs to hire a retainer?¡± Johannes wondered.

    ¡°Most people learn magic from their parents, but some families hire someone to teach their children,¡± I said. ¡°That costs a lot more than a retainer. But the trainer is always someone far better than I am. But learning from me would still cost more than hiring a retainer. I¡¯d say about 3 times as much.¡±

    ¡°Then we can serve you to pay for our magical education,¡± Astrid suggested.

    ¡°That¡¯d be acceptable, but I¡¯d still need to pay for your food,¡± I stated.

    ¡°You won¡¯t have to. I have plenty of money from my monster hunting,¡± Johannes assured me.

    ¡°I have some money too. We¡¯ll also take extra jobs since we¡¯ll just be guarding you as your retainers,¡± Astrid said.

    ¡°You can take extra jobs if you want to,¡± I told them. ¡°But make sure you have enough time for studying. You have years of magical training to catch up to, so you have a lot of work to get to.¡±

    ¡°Then you¡¯ll take us into your service?¡±

    ¡°Yes. I¡¯m not a knight yet, so if they have magical talent, do you mind knighting them, Joanna?¡± I asked.

    ¡°I¡¯d be happy to,¡± my wet nurse answered.

    ¡°Alright. You two are my bodyguards.¡±

    ¡°We are unworthy of this position,¡± Astrid stated.

    ¡°If you¡¯re unworthy, then I won¡¯t hire you,¡± I said.

    ¡°No, wait, I¡­¡±

    ¡°I was just joking. You¡¯re hired,¡± I told her.

    ¡°Thank you, Saint Gustav. We¡¯ll do our best,¡± Johannes smiled.

    ¡°I¡¯m sure you will. Now, we¡¯re taking a carriage to the Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian contest. You two can read, right?¡±

    ¡°We can,¡± Astrid said. ¡°Why are you asking this?¡±

    I reached into my luggage and pulled out a 350-page book.

    ¡°This is my old textbook from when I was a kid. I keep it around in case I need a refresher. You can start out by reading the first 15 pages of this book. Aside from learning magic, this book is great for helping you fall asleep.¡±

    ¡°By the gods, what have we gotten ourselves into?¡± Astrid sighed.

    ¡°A lot of training, that¡¯s what. You have years of magical training to catch up to. You¡¯ll do nothing but learn magic for the rest of the week, maybe the next month.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve trained this hard before. I can take it,¡± she said.

    ¡°And I literally have nothing better to do aside from dating Astrid,¡± Johannes stated.

    ¡°Good. Now, you¡¯re in my service, and your main job is to be my bodyguards,¡± I explained. ¡°But I might have you do other things too. For example, I might have you do something like wear a jester suit, cover your body with olive oil and butter, and bring in a plate of oysters to stop a fight.¡±

    ¡°Would that work?¡± Johannes asked.

    ¡°That¡¯s your first thought?¡± Astrid questioned.

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    ` ¡°Okay, just wanted to make sure. It probably wouldn¡¯t work for everyone, but I really like oysters.¡±

    ¡°Holy fuck, they¡¯re just as insane as you,¡± D?¨¦??om groaned.

    I thought, ¡°I¡¯m not insane. I¡¯m perfectly normal.¡±

    ¡°The only normal people in our party are Joanna, me, and Dr. Minos. No, wait, for a minotaur, he¡¯s pretty weird. Most minotaurs don¡¯t go on to get their Ph.D.s.¡±

    ¡°Do you object to me traveling with them?¡±

    ¡°Not at all. People would probably think it¡¯s weird if a saint was traveling around with just three people,¡± D?¨¦??om said.

    ¡°That sounds fine,¡± I replied. ¡°I could always use more bodyguards, and people would probably find it weird that a saint¡¯s traveling around with just three people.¡±

    ¡°Saint Gustav,¡± Astrid spoke up. ¡°I wonder. Did you come to this town in the first place knowing we were here? Did you manipulate our date with magic to make us your bodyguards? Was all this according to your plan?¡±

    ¡°No, it¡¯s a massive coincidence,¡± I said.

    ¡°Oh. I was about to compliment you on how good your plan was, but I guess not.¡±

    ¡°Can I change my answer?¡±

    Astrid stated, ¡°If it pleases you, Saint Gustav.¡±

    I replied, ¡°Then I¡¯m changing it. This was all part of my master plan, even the parts that I couldn¡¯t possibly have predicted or planned out.¡±

    Joanna started laughing.

    ¡°Of course, Saint Gustav,¡± Astrid said.

    ¡°Why aren¡¯t you laughing?¡± I asked.

    ¡°We¡¯d never laugh at you, Saint Gustav,¡± Johannes assured me.

    I questioned, ¡°Even if I told a joke, like just now.¡±

    Astrid forced a laugh, ¡°Hahahahahaha! That was a great joke! Hilarious!¡±

    ¡°This won¡¯t do at all,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s going to be really hard training you if you¡¯re afraid of me.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re not afraid of you,¡± Johannes stated. ¡°We¡¯re just trying to be respectful.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t contradict him! He¡¯s a noble and he talks to a god!¡± Astrid¡¯s voice came through and I heard her putting her hands over his mouth.

    ¡°You¡¯re the daughter of a duke. You have noble blood. Gods, under Greenrivers¡¯ law, the bastard child of a noble is a noble. What the fuck did your father do to make you this afraid of nobles? None of the other commoners I met were this afraid of me,¡± I replied.

    Most of them were respectful, but Astrid was going way too far.

    ¡°It wasn¡¯t my father, and I¡¯m not from Greenrivers. I¡¯m from Motteburh. My mother was from Greenrivers, but she was captured in an illegal slave raid and sold to a Motteburh noble. My father freed her, she fell in love with him, and she was poisoned by his enemies just after I was born. My father named me after her.¡±

    Rage piled up through me like an accountant piling papers.

    ¡°Must¡­resist¡­urge¡­to¡­guillotine¡­Motteburh¡­nobles¡­until¡­I¡­have¡­more¡­power¡­¡± I thought.

    ¡°Settle down, Gustav,¡± D?¨¦??om said. ¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯ll overthrow the Motteburh nobles eventually. In the meantime, I have a few things to say to the patron god of Motteburh.¡±

    ¡°Astrid, Johannes, we can work on you not being afraid of me. Right now, we have to get going. The Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian contest is coming up!¡± I said.

 Chapter 13: The Main Antagonist Arrives

    "Good barbarians and others in the audience!" the announcer shouted. "Are you ready for round 2 of the Mr. Barbarian contest?"

    The crowd erupted in applause under the clear sky.

    "That''s what I like to hear! Up next, we have the rock-lifting event! Our contestants will see who can lift the heaviest object! We have a wide arrangement of rocks of different weights!"

    He gestured to a line-up of rocks. The smallest was the size of a pebble, and the largest was twice the size of a man.

    "The smallest rock is worth 1 point while the largest is worth a full 100 points!" the announcer said. "Our contestants will lift the rocks one at a time from smallest to largest. Lifting a larger rock overwrites the points from the previous rocks you lifted."

    "So, it''s a test of endurance as well as strength," Johannes noted.

    "Well, I''m fucked again!" Donnie groaned.

    "I don''t think I''ll do well at this either. If we were allowed to use magic, I''d be able to lift all those rocks. But this is just muscle," I said.

    "Let''s get started!" the announcer declared.

    Barbarians went one by one, lifting rock after rock. As we watched their incredible skill at the oh-so-important art of lifting really big rocks, that was sarcasm by the way, the smell of sweat wafted into my nose.

    I looked at Donnie. There was a pool of water under him. So much water poured down his body that you''d think he just got out of a pool.

    "Donnie, save the sweating for the rock lifting," I said.

    "I can''t help it! I''m so fucking nervous! How the fuck am I supposed to get through all that?" he asked.

    "You don''t have to get through everything," I pointed out. "Just the rocks you can lift."

    "And what? Embarrass myself in front of everyone?"

    "It''s far too late for that," I said.

    Donnie groaned.

    "Look, Donnie," I stated. "We knew that none of us were winning from the start. We''re just trying to get whatever prizes we can."

    "That doesn''t make things better," Donnie said.

    "Think about it this way. If you don''t win, you can at least impress people with your effort! Or at least you can impress us," Johannes stated.

    "Yeah! That''s right! I gotta give it my all! Some people here''ve gotta be impressed that I''m doin'' my best! I might be short and fat, but I can do this!"

    Donnie danced a bit on his feet. He took short breaths, punching the air to pump himself up.

    Then Dr. Minos went to the rocks. He lifted them like an adult man would pick up a beach ball.

    Donnie''s expression turned into complete dejection.

    "I''m fucked," he said.

    "Only slightly more than the rest of us," I tried to assure him.

    "And up next," the announcer shouted. "It''s Gustav von Blitzberg, Saint of D?¨¦??om and Lord of Greenrivers!"

    Boos came out of the crowd as I approached the rocks.

    "I''m surprised it took them this long to boo me," I thought.

    "Well, the announcer didn''t exactly say the names of all 1,000 contestants before now," D?¨¦??om replied.

    "1,000 contestants for the male competition?"

    "And 500 for the female."

    I picked up the pebbles with ease. Then, I made my way through the rocks. They got harder to lift as time went on. My muscles ached as tiredness overtook my body. Sweat poured down me. Then, I came to a rock just over half the size of a man. I gazed at it and noticed a set of runes carved on it.

    "That''s strange. Runes are an alphabet from my world," I thought.

    "They''re like the runes of your world, but they''re different. If you knew how to read runes, you''d notice the differences right away," D?¨¦??om said.

    "What does it say?" I asked.

    "Whoever reads these is a bitch," he answered.

    "Are you making fun of me?"

    "Nope. That''s what it says."

    "It''s good to know the barbarians have a sense of humor," I thought.

    I struggled to lift the rock, pulling it up hard. My arms burned. Sweat poured down my brow. My breath became ragged as I desperately pulled up. Then, I couldn''t bear it. I let go of the rock, and the crowd erupted in cheers.

    "Well, at least they''re happy that I lost," I thought.

    Donnie walked out next. He took a deep breath as he got to the first pebble. The man bent over. Then, he let out a yelp of pain.

    "My back! My fucking back! Augh!" Donnie said.

    He reached around and rubbed his back.

    "Are you okay?" the announcer asked.

    "I''m fine! I can still lift!" Donnie stated.

    Through great pain, he reached out and grabbed the first pebble. He started to pull it up before gasping in pain again. Donnie dropped the pebble, grabbed his back, and returned to our line.

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    "It''s too much. Fuck this pain, dammit!" he groaned.

    In that round, Dr. Minos got 100 points, I got 55, Donnie got 0, and Johannes got 60.

    "I''m impressed with how strong you are," I said.

    "Thanks. Fighting monsters really builds up your muscles," Johannes replied.

    "Dammit all! I suck!" Donnie groaned.

    "Hang in there," I said. "There''s just six events left."

    "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

    "Next contest: wrestling!" the announcer shouted. "A 10 minute free-for-all! Points will be given by our judge, Weissimer of the Powerlift Tribe! The wrestlers will be judged on technique, skill, whose ass they kick, and how long they last before getting their asses kicked!"

    The crowd erupted in applause.

    Several musclemen brought a giant wrestling ring to the contest area. Everyone stepped inside.

    "I''m fucking doomed," Donnie groaned.

    "Don''t worry, I have a plan," I said.

    "You do?" he asked.

    "Yes. You''re short. So, if you stay behind taller guys, the barbarians won''t notice you," I answered.

    "Holy shit! That might work," Donnie said. "What about you guys?"

    "Saint Gustav, if I might be so bold, I have a plan," Johannes stated.

    "Go on," I nodded.

    "We''ll probably be penalized if we work together, so we should go in three different directions. Then, we''ll wrestle everyone we come across."

    "Do you have any tips on wrestling barbarians?" I asked.

    "You don''t need any. You''ll do fine," he answered.

    "What does he mean by that?" I thought.

    "The barbarians think pro wrestling is real," D?¨¦??om replied.

    It took all my willpower and effort to not burst into laughter.

    A tall barbarian walked over to a massive gong and smashed a hammer into it. It rang, signaling the start of the match.

    My retainers and I split up. Johannes went to the left, I went to the right, and Dr. Minos rushed to the center. A massive man with muscles the size of truck tires stood in front of me.

    "Let us wrestle, little man!" he shouted.

    The man ran into the ring''s ropes, bounced off them, and rushed me with his arm out. I stepped to the side and held out my leg. He ran into it and tripped, falling onto the ground.

    Another barbarian was on top of the ropes. The man leaped off them to body-slam me. I stepped to the side. There was a loud crash as he fell to the ground. I sighed.

    A third barbarian held up his hands for a test of strength. I did a double leg takedown, forcing him to the ground, and got him in a chokehold.

    "I thought this would be funny, but this is just sad," I said.

    "Oh, you wanna see sad, baby?" a great voice echoed across the area. "I''ll show you sad, baby!"

    "Oh, fuck," D?¨¦??om said.

    Storm clouds appeared above us out of nowhere. Rain blasted down like a barrage of artillery fire. It poured onto me, stinging like a swarm of hornets. I released the barbarian and stood up.

    "Why did this tournament arc have to get interrupted?" I groaned.

    I raised my hand to the sky and uttered an incantation. Wind blasted out of my palm. The gale shielded the people around me from the rain.

    "D?¨¦??om, is everyone okay?" I thought.

    "Donnie''s hidden below a massive barbarian. Dr. Minos'' skin is too thick for the rain to hurt him. Johannes is rushing to the stands. Astrid''s trying to make her way to him. Joanna''s using her magic to protect the people in the stands. Same thing with Dimitri. Unfortunately, you three are the only magic users here who are on our side," he replied.

    I looked through the rain. I couldn''t see more than a centimeter through it.

    "There''s no way Johannes and Astrid can see through this, and the barbarians are fucked," I thought.

    "Don''t underestimate them. They didn''t live this long by being needlessly emotional. The barbarians are tough. I''d worry more about yourself," D?¨¦??om stated.

    "Did you like that, baby? That was my annoyance attack," the voice returned.

    It sounded so gravely that I wondered if a rock monster was talking.

    "Are you after me? If you are, leave everyone else out of this!" I said.

    "Oh, I can''t do that, baby."

    "Why not?" I shouted.

    "Gustav, he''s casting an earthquake spell!" D?¨¦??om''s voice blasted into my head like a canon.

    Oh, fuck. An earthquake spell was far beyond my power.

    The ground rumbled. It shook hard. I rocked, falling towards the ground. My hand was displaced, and the wind spell blasted in a different direction. The stinging rain lashed my back like a whip.

    I pointed my other hand at the ground and uttered another incantation. Wind blasted out of my palm, sending me back upright. The ground kept shaking, and I had to cast another wind spell to keep from falling. I felt the stinging rainwater pierce my eyes.

    There was a great crash and breaking of wood. Screams followed it.

    "What the hell was that?" I asked.

    "That was the stands, baby! They can''t take my earthquake! You''ll see them all in Hell, baby!" the voice answered.

    Rage coated my body like a wildfire. I took deep breaths to keep calm. This earthquake wasn''t anything worse than what an invading king would do. Getting mad now would cause me to make a mistake.

    "Gustav, he''s right in front of you. He''s standing firm in the earthquake," D?¨¦??om said.

    I aimed my hands forward, sending a blast of wind crashing through the rain. The rain parted, and I got a brief glimpse of a man holding a trident. My spell sent him flying back. He snapped through the ropes as he flew.

    "Oh, that was a good move, baby! But it wasn''t good enough, baby!" the voice stated.

    "Why are you doing this? Are you invading, attacking while most of the barbarians are in one place? Are you some enemy of the gods who wants saints dead?" I asked.

    "Gustav, he is a saint," D?¨¦??om said.

    Oh, shit.

    "None of that, baby. My daddy comes to me, and he says: you wanna be a god, right? And I say: I don''t wanna be a god. I wanna be bad, baby," the voice spoke. "And he says: have I got something for you, baby. I''ve got something real nice."

    "He''s a saint of..." D?¨¦??om started.

    "I''ve already figured it out," I thought.

    "And he says: humans are all evil, baby. They throw junk in the ocean, baby."

    "Has your dad tried revealing himself as a god and ordering humans to stop polluting the ocean?" I said. "And we aren''t polluting the ocean in this world!"

    "My daddy don''t work that way, baby. Humans gotta be good on their own, baby. If not, they gotta die, baby. And you''re not throwing junk in the ocean, but you''re still a human. You gotta be punished like the rest of us, baby," the voice stated.

    "Alright. Then, when is your daddy going to turn himself in for all the women and men he raped?" I asked.

    "You''ve got it all wrong, baby. Rape''s only wrong when humans do it. And it isn''t wrong when my daddy''s kids do it, baby. Daddy says that humans not wanting to be raped by him is more proof that they''re evil."

    "D?¨¦??om, is Horus on our side?" I thought.

    "Of course he is," the god replied.

    "You remember what Horus did to Set''s lettuce?"

    "I do," D?¨¦??om stated.

    "Have him do that to this fucker''s daddy''s ambrosia," I thought.

    "Heh. I like that idea. Also, "this fucker" is walking to you. I think he wants to stab you with his trident."

    "But that''s my daddy, baby. I just wanna kill people," the voice said.

    "He''s 10 steps away."

    I focused, concentrating.

    "I''m gonna kill everyone here. Then, I''m gonna go all over the barbarian lands, baby."

    "5 steps away."

    "I''m gonna turn these lands to rubble and slaughter everyone, baby! I''m gonna be bad, real bad, baby!"

    "He''s thrusting his trident!"

    I held my hand up, moving it between two of the trident''s spikes while jumping back. My hand clenched the weapon without being damaged. The earthquake stopped pushing me around despite the ground shaking under me.

    Yanking the trident forward, I glared right into the green eyes of my enemy. His stormy black hair was drenched and shaped like seaweed. He had black makeup around his eyes. It made him look like an emo.

    "Most of the genocidal lunatics I''ve heard of thought they were doing the right thing even though genocide is an ultimate evil. None of the kings of this world would resort to it," I said. "So, I''m glad that you know what you''re doing is evil. It''s refreshing, honestly. It must mean that you also know that your father''s desire to wipe out humanity is also evil."

    "Gods can''t be evil, baby. Nothing they do is wrong. Only mortals can be evil, baby," the man said.

    "Bullshit," D?¨¦??om said.

    My gaze remained locked on my opponent.

    "That''s why daddy gets to rape mortals without being punished, baby, but humans should get tortured to death for throwing their junk in the ocean, baby," the enemy saint stated.

    "I see. I see. You also have no idea how much you pissed me off, do you?" I asked.

    "I don''t care about that. You''re gonna die here, baby."

    "Alright, then. Let me unleash my rage now," I said.

    I slammed my foot into his balls as hard as I could, strengthening my kick with magic. He screamed so loud that you could hear him a mile away.

    "That should give everyone some idea of where he is. Hopefully, they can figure things out," I thought.

    "By the way, I know tridents are an important symbol of your father," I gave him a smug smirk. "But they''re shit weapons, son and saint of Poseidon."

 Chapter 14: Revealing the Past

    The son of Poseidon collapsed to his knees, grabbing his balls in one hand while holding his trident with the other. My fist still clenched the weapon. I pointed my free hand at him.

    "You''re gonna pay for that, baby!" he shouted.

    I shot a fireball right at his fucking face.

    The son of Poseidon made water blast up from below me, sending me flying into the air. I felt my hand get ripped from the trident. The water surrounded me in a column. It forced its way into my nose, throat, and lungs. Pain overtook my body.

    "Well, this sucks," I thought.

    "That''s a massive underreaction," D?¨¦??om said.

    "Can''t you use your divine powers to help me?"

    "If I did that, Poseidon would use his divine powers too. He''s not as powerful as me, but we''d cause even more collateral damage."

    "Just tell me one thing, then. Has that asshole moved?" I thought.

    "No," D?¨¦??om replied.

    I forced my hands to move through the pain, aiming them right at where the Son of Poseidon was. They unleashed a blast of wind. It cut through the water and slammed into my target. He went flying back. The column of water weakened.

    Then, I aimed my hands behind me. Another blast of wind burst out. I flew right at the Son of Poseidon with my feet aiming at him. I used magic to increase my durability as my feet collided with this face.

    "Dropkick!" I shouted.

    The son of Poseidon stood firm. His hateful eyes glared right at me. He grabbed my legs and slammed me hard into the ground. I coughed up blood. Even in my pain, I noticed that the earthquake had stopped.

    "You think you can beat a demigod, baby? Well, you thought wrong, baby!" he said.

    He stabbed his trident down, ramming it into my chest. Pain wracked my body. I saw the sadistic grin on the son of Poseidon''s face.

    I drew my sword and stabbed him in the arm. Blood gushed out of it. The son of Poseidon grasped his wound.

    "Why aren''t you dead?" he asked.

    "I told you before that tridents are shit weapons," I forced myself to stand. "If you were using a spear, you''d have gone deep enough to kill me. But the three prongs of the trident kept your weapon from going in deep enough."

    "You talk too much, baby! Give me too many shots at killing you!"

    The son of Poseidon moved in a blur. He shot past me, getting to my back and swinging his trident. I felt one of my ribs crack.

    "You''re a real dumbass, aren''t you?" I turned and unleashed a blast of wind.

    "What the fuck are you talking about, baby?" the son of Poseidon asked.

    "You''re using a thrusting weapon to cut," I answered.

    "You''re the dumbass, baby, giving advice to someone who''s trying to kill you," he said.

    "I don''t think someone as egotistic as you would ever listen to my advice."

    The son of Poseidon''s eyes widened in shock.

    "You''re right, baby," he said. "But I''m still gonna kill you!"

    The son of Poseidon was about to thrust again when I held up my hands.

    "Wait! There''s something I have to tell you before you kill me!" I said.

    "What''s that, baby?" the son of Poseidon asked.

    "Many years ago, there was a giant shapeshifting demon who threw the world into an era of terror and darkness."

    "I never heard of that, baby."

    "It''s something few people know about," I said. "The only person who opposed him was a great swordsman. They fought long and hard, but the swordsman won. Just before the final blow was struck, the demon opened a portal through time. He sent the swordsman to the future. There, the demon had already taken over the world."

    The son of Poseidon stood dumbfounded.

    "That story don''t make any sense, baby. If this happened in the past, and the demon sent the swordsman to the future, shouldn''t the demon rule the world now?" he asked.

    "Your mother," I answered.

    The son of Poseidon didn''t speak for a few seconds.

    "I''m gonna kill you now," he said.

    Ghostly hands erupted from the ground, grabbing onto the demigod.

    "What the hell is this, baby?"

    He broke free of them with a single yank of his arms. A lightning bolt rocketed from the rain. It went sideways, not down through the clouds, and crashed into the demigod. His scream was so loud that my eardrums ruptured. I clutched my ears as I collapsed to one knee.

    Dr. Minos, Johannes, and Astrid charged out of the darkness. They swung their weapons at the son of Poseidon. He parried them all with his trident. The demigod jumped back.

    "That''s it, baby! I can''t handle these numbers!" the son of Poseidon shouted.

    He transformed into a seagull and flew away. Another lightning bolt hit him. The son of Poseidon wavered from the blow but kept moving.

    This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    "Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!" Joanna shot bolt after bolt of lightning. "He''s fucking getting away!"

    I shuddered at the sight. I''d never seen Joanna this mad before.

    "Should we pursue him?" Astrid asked.

    "No. None of us are fast enough," I answered. "First, is everyone okay?"

    "The rain didn''t kill anyone. The worst people were just badly injured," she said.

    "And I was able to summon ghosts to protect everyone when the stands collapsed," Dimitri stated.

    "You''re a very talented necromancer, and you must have trained a lot to casually summon ghosts like that," I said.

    "I wouldn''t call it casually. It wasn''t as easy as it might have seemed," he replied.

    I noticed that Dimitri''s arms were hanging limp at his side.

    "Are you going to be okay?" I asked.

    "I''ll be fine. I should be able to feel my arms again in a few hours," Dimitri answered. "And I should be able to move them again in a few days."

    "Joanna, can you heal him?"

    "I''m afraid not. His arms aren''t damaged. They''re drained of magic," she said.

    "What the fuck are we gonna do now?" Donnie ran over. "That fucking weirdo came in and fucking attacked us! Who was that son of a bitch, anyway?"

    "I can''t think of many people who''d dare attack a saint," Astrid stated.

    "He was a saint and the son of a god," Johannes said.

    "You know him?" I asked.

    "No," he answered. "But I have very good hearing. You have to if you''re hunting monsters. You said some strange things too while you were fighting him."

    "That isn''t unusual. Gustav is far from a normal noble," Joanna stated.

    "Joanna, can you start healing people?" I spoke before thinking. "D?¨¦??om, I think I should tell them about my situation."

    "Are you sure?" he questioned.

    "I am. They deserve to know, especially Joanna. Plus, it''ll give me an idea of how my parents will react and whether or not I should tell them."

    "Alright. This is your decision."

    "I''m going back to our inn room. I don''t want to stick around. The barbarians will probably blame me for this mess. Everyone who''s in my retinue, meet me there in a few hours," I said.

    "Hey, is it alright if I stay here and look for my actor?" Donnie asked.

    "I was hoping you''d do that. I need to discuss certain things," I answered.

    "Can I come too?" Dimitri questioned. "I literally have nothing better to do."

    "Sure. I might need your help with a few things."

    I started walking to the inn. Astrid, Johannes, and Dr. Minos followed me.

    "You don''t have to stay by my side," I said.

    "We do. I already abandoned you to protect Astrid, and you''re my lord," Johannes stated. "I have to make up for that somehow."

    "I don''t expect you to try to rescue me when your lover is in danger. I don''t want you to either. Protect the people you care about most first."

    Shock coated his and Astrid''s eyes.

    "Go ahead and speak freely," I said.

    "You''re the strangest noble I''ve ever met. I understand that most nobles aren''t as bad as the ones in Motteburh. But no noble anywhere would want his retainers to protect someone else when they could protect him," Astrid replied.

    "I''ll explain that in a few hours. In the meantime, you can do what you want," I stated.

    They kept following me.

    Soon, I was in a room with everyone except Donnie. We were all sitting on chairs.

    "I need to tell you all something," I said. "First, a question: do you know what happens if you die?"

    "Yes. You get a choice of spending eternity in an afterlife or reincarnating," Joanna replied.

    "I hope that was a hypothetical question, and you weren''t just too bored to pay attention to priests," Dimitri stated.

    "It was hypothetical. You see, I died before, and I chose reincarnation," I said.

    Shock overcame everyone in the room. Dr. Minos made a bull noise.

    "I remember it because D?¨¦??om is the god that reincarnated me, and he let me keep all the memories of my past life. And my past life was in another world," I explained.

    "That explains so much," Joanna said.

    "What was your old world like?" Johannes leaned forward.

    There was an intense curiosity on his face.

    "It didn''t have any magic as far as I knew, but it was far more technologically advanced. We didn''t have nobility in my homeland, so I was a commoner in my past life. My homeland was the greatest country in the world and the second-greatest country in history. It was the home to the finest art, the best food, the best wine, and some of the greatest warriors in history came from it. Back when we had knights, they were the greatest knights in the world. Our beloved saint defeated our greatest rival time and time again. The most brilliant general in history was from my homeland," I said.

    "That''s incredible. I just hope you don''t mind if I take your words with a grain of salt. You might have some bias in favor of your homeland," Johannes replied.

    "I don''t mind that," I stated.

    Then, I noticed heavy breathing. Astrid''s hands were clenched around her chair. Her eyes were wide with excitement.

    "Did they have swords in your world?" she asked.

    "Yes. I practiced with a sword called a rapier in my past life," I answered.

    "Please teach me how to use a rapier!" Astrid grasped my shoulders. "I want to learn sword techniques from another world!"

    "I honestly think Johannes would be better off learning rapier techniques. In my world, the sidesword was the predecessor of the rapier," I said.

    "I can learn sidesword too! I need a backup weapon for my greatsword anyway! Please teach me, Johannes!" Astrid begged.

    "You don''t need to shout. I''ll gladly teach you," Johannes assured her.

    "Yes!" she pumped her fist. "I''m going to learn sword techniques from another world!"

    I considered telling them about having the godslayer ability, but I decided against it. That would be too much at the moment.

    "So, which god did the saint that attacked you serve?" Joanna asked.

    "Was I right that it was Poseidon?" I thought.

    "You were," D?¨¦??om confirmed.

    "It was Poseidon," I said.

    "I''ve never heard of that god before, and I''ve traveled around a lot," Johannes stated.

    "Same," Astrid nodded.

    "Poseidon is a god who was worshipped in the world I was from in my past life," I explained. "Was being the key word. People stopped worshipping him and started worshipping a god named Jesus instead."

    "Why?"

    "Because Jesus isn''t an asshole," I said.

    D?¨¦??om burst out laughing. Astrid''s, Dr. Minos'', and Johannes'' faces were coated with a thick paint of shock.

    "You''d talk about a god like that?" Johannes asked.

    "I''m a saint of D?¨¦??om. If Poseidon has any complaints, he can take it up with him. Besides, no one in this world worships Poseidon. If he interfered directly, a bunch of other gods would probably start complaining," I answered.

    "That''s still a massive risk! A saint like you should know better than to insult gods like that, especially if the insult is true!" Astrid warned.

    "It''s because he''s a saint that he''s fine with talking like this," Dimitri said.

    "What? Why? He talks to gods all the time!"

    "Yes. Saints get used to it and have a casual relationship with their patron god. Eventually, they start treating gods the same way they treat everyone else. It usually takes 30 to 50 years for this to happen, but I think Poseidon being replaced with another god in Gustav''s last world probably sped up the process," he explained.

    "Most commoners don''t know this because saints tend to interact with nobles more often. You get more done if you deal directly with the government," Joanna said.

    "That''s just so strange. I couldn''t even think of talking about a god like that," Astrid stated.

    "Think about it this way," I told her. "When we first met, you were kissing my ass so hard that it left bruises."

    I turned to Johannes.

    "I mean metaphorically," I said.

    "I know what you mean. I had a front-row seat to the ass-kissing," he replied.

    "But now, you''re far more casual when you talk to me," I continued.

    "That''s because I found out you were a commoner in your past life. Many nobles were commoners, but there''s a big difference between a noble who was a commoner centuries ago and a noble who recently rose to their rank," Astrid stated.

    "Oh, that''s a good point. Well, that analogy fell flat on its face," I said.

    "Don''t worry. I''ll still keep up appearances in public. Any time we''re outside together or with some people who weren''t here, I''ll pretend we never had this talk," she assured me.

    "Gustav, you don''t want to stay here because you''re worried about getting blamed for this incident, right?" Joanna asked. "Then what''s our next move? Do we track down this saint of Poseidon?"

    "No. We won''t be able to catch him at this point. Right now, our priority is continuing our financial adventures," I stated.

    "Perhaps I can help with that? We could get more money with our combined resources," Dimitri suggested.

    "I''d be happy to have your help," I said. "And I think we might need it. I''m getting a great idea."

    "What is it?"

    "I''m going to revolutionize this world''s trade system."

 Chapter 15: Interlude 3

    A tall god with the head of a snake and the legs of a goat closed a door so he could kick it open. He walked into the room beyond the door, muscles glistening from the oil he poured over them. D?¨¦??om, Horus, Thor, a short god with glasses and an 1800s doctor''s suit, and a goddess wearing fancy purple robes followed him.

    Inside the room were Zeus, Poseidon, Hades, Hera, Demeter, Hestia, and Athena.

    "Why do you always kick open doors, H?r??s?" Zeus sighed.

    "Fuck you, that''s why," the snake-headed figure replied.

    "Always so rude," Hera glared.

    "I''m the rude one? Your bastard of a brother interfered with our world," H?r??s said, turning to Poseidon.

    "I did no such thing," Poseidon said.

    "Excuse me a moment," Horus spoke up. "Where do you keep the ambrosia? I want to be a good guest and get you some food."

    "It''s over there," Hestia pointed.

    Horus left the room.

    "You have a son in our world, a son who attacked one of D?¨¦??om''s saints," H?r??s stated.

    "And a whole stadium full of people," D?¨¦??om added.

    "Yeah, sure, whatever."

    "Do you have proof that it was one of my children?" Poseidon asked.

    "He was using a trident, had power over water and earthquakes, had a similar attitude to your Greek gods, and as the god of humanity, I can tell who anyone''s parents are by looking at them," D?¨¦??om said.

    "And you actually believed a human-loving god like him?" the sea god laughed.

    "As disgusting as D?¨¦??om''s love of humanity is, I confirmed this information for myself," H?r??s replied.

    "I''m sure you realize that this is a violation of our territory. It also violates the honorable treaty we made with you Olympians, and it''s a dick move," the goddess in purple said.

    That caught Zeus'' attention.

    "We''ve got you now, you bastard," D?¨¦??om thought. "One of the only things you care about is staying king. You''d do almost anything to keep that power, and you''re desperate to keep us gods from fighting a war because of it."

    "D?¨¦??om, is the village of Selfaeta filled with cannibals?" Gustav''s voice came into his head.

    "No. They stopped being cannibals a few hundred years ago," the god replied.

    "If Poseidon has violated your territory as you accuse him of, I will grant you compensation," Zeus said.

    "Poseidon brought that demigod into this world, and I want to right to take him out of it," H?r??s stated.

    The Olympians, except for Hades, turned red with rage.

    "This is ridiculous! I will not allow a demigod of Olympus to be struck down by you lot!" Zeus shouted.

    "He tried to kill my only saint," D?¨¦??om replied. "If he doesn''t die, he should at least be imprisoned."

    "D?¨¦??om, do the people of this world have the technology to make parachutes? I mean, if I gave them the design of a parachute, could they make one that works?" Gustav asked inside the god''s head.

    "Yes, but it would take a few tries for them to get it right."

    "Thanks."

    "You know what I did to the last guy who harmed one of my sons," Poseidon said.

    "Do you expect him to just get let go?" Thor''s voice was like thunder. "If your son was in a world ruled by the Aesir, I''d have killed him already."

    "Only an Olympian can bring divine punishment to the child of an Olympian unless that child does something especially horrible. If he broke an oath, violated hospitality, or killed someone in his family, I would allow you to kill him. But he did not," Zeus asserted.

    "How about this, then," the god with glasses spoke up. "Why don''t you take Poseidon''s demigod to one of your worlds and make him swear an oath on the river Styx to not father another demigod in our world?"

    "I''d prefer it if he was at least imprisoned, but this is probably the best deal I''ll get," D?¨¦??om thought.

    "This will be in addition to any compensation," H?r??s said.

    "D?¨¦??om, could a parachute made in the materials available in this world and strengthened by magic survive getting thrown out of a 120-meter tall trebuchet?" Gustav asked.

    This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

    "What the fuck is that lunatic planning? Whatever it is, it sounds awesome," D?¨¦??om thought before contacting him back. "I''m in the middle of a meeting right now. I''ll talk to you later."

    "Your demands are reasonable. I''d be happy to meet them," Zeus said.

    "I would not," Poseidon stated.

    "Poseidon, you should do what Zeus tells you to," Hades said.

    "Is that right, Mr. Lord of the Underworld? If Zeus told you to jump off a building, you''d do it in a heartbeat! Zeus told you to kidnap your wife, and you did it without hesitation," his brother glared before turning to Demeter, hoping to get her back up.

    "As horrible as that was, at least Hades had to be told to do it. Unlike a certain someone who violated me while I was grieving," she glared at him.

    "I don''t see what''s wrong with kidnapping your wife," Zeus stated.

    "Of course, you wouldn''t see it that way," Hera said. "You don''t know the meaning of the word restraint, or consent, or not cheating on me."

    "And you want to wipe out humanity just because you don''t want me to make more demigod children!"

    "If that human god bastard didn''t remind you of all your half-human children that you''d need to kill to wipe out humanity, you''d still be on board with wiping them all out! Besides, a race as sinful as humanity deserves extermination!" Poseidon declared.

    "That''s going too far, Poseidon! Especially when your Cyclops children are even worse!" Athena said.

    The Olympians descended into petty bickering.

    "Why do all our meetings with the Olympians end up like this?" the glasses god groaned.

    "Because they lack the dignity and elegance of nobility," the purple-dressed goddess said.

    "At least we didn''t bring Loki like last time," Thor replied.

    "I''m just glad I convinced Zeus to not want humanity to go extinct in our last meeting," D?¨¦??om muttered to himself. "If there''s one good trait Zeus has, it''s that he cares about his children."

    Horus returned with several bowls of ambrosia. He placed one in front of each of the Greek gods.

    "Please enjoy them," Horus said.

    He looked right at Poseidon when he spoke, trying to stifle laughter.

    "Thank you, Horus," Zeus nodded.

    The Olympians calmed down.

    "I think Krewh''s suggestion is entirely reasonable," Zeus said. "Poseidon will take his son and bring him to a different world and swear on the river Styx to never have another demigod H?r??s'' world."

    "I will do no such thing!" Poseidon shouted.

    "You will unless you want to live as a mortal for a year again!" Zeus threatened.

    That shut Poseidon up. The god of the sea jammed his spoon into the bowl of ambrosia. He aggressively shoved it into his mouth.

    "As for compensation, would a shipment of ambrosia do?" Zeus asked.

    "That would be good enough," H?r??s answered.

    "Not the ambrosia Poseidon''s eating. He can keep that," Horus stated.

    "Don''t worry. This will all be fresh ambrosia," Zeus said.

    Zeus had no idea why Horus would expect him to give them ambrosia that someone was already eating, but he didn''t care why.

    "Very well. I accept those terms," H?r??s stated.

    He and the gods who arrived with him exited the meeting room. Outside was a grand place on top of a mountain. Clouds formed stairs and ladders. Brilliant buildings of marble stretched high into the sky.

    Horus leaned over to D?¨¦??om and whispered.

    "How long do you think it''ll take for Poseidon to figure out what I did to his ambrosia?"

    "Hopefully, it''ll be after he takes his son out of my world," D?¨¦??om said.

    "What did you do to Poseidon''s ambrosia?" Thor asked.

    Horus whispered into his ear. Thor''s face contorted with disgust.

    "That sounds like something Loki would do," he stated.

    "I did it before against Set," Horus replied with a chuckle.

    "A rapist like Poseidon deserves it," Thor said.

    They arrived at a large, marble parking lot. Horus'' arms transformed into wings, and he flew off. H?r??s and the other gods from his world stepped onto a great golden boat. It took to the skies. Thor put on a pointy hat. He sat in a tiny cart that could barely fit him. A pair of goats pulled the cart away.

    "I''m glad we were able to settle that matter with just the usual annoyance," H?r??s stated.

    "Things could have gone much worse," Krewh nodded.

    D?¨¦??om approached the goddess who wore purple.

    "Nakki, we need to talk about Motteburh," he said.

    "Why?" the goddess asked.

    "The nobles are going way too far to maintain their power," D?¨¦??om answered.

    "Too far?" Nakki scoffed. "What does that word mean to nobility? It is only natural for people to lord over their inferiors. Honestly, it''s the commoners'' fault for trying to go against their betters."

    "Yeah, I know. Humans, gods, and a bunch of animals do that shit all the time. It comes naturally to them. But there has to be a limit to how far they can go."

    "Why? If you don''t oppress your inferiors, they won''t know their place."

    "Are you against nobles who think they should protect the commons? Rulers who think they should serve their people?" D?¨¦??om questioned.

    "I''m not. It is only proper for nobles to protect those under them, but inferiors should know their place. If they don''t, they should be punished for it," the goddess said.

    "That''s the goddess of aristocrats for you," he thought.

    "When was the last time you visited Motteburh?" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "It was a while ago. But my saints in Motteburh assure me that everything is fine," Nakki answered.

    "Go to Motteburh yourself. Go in disguise, not as a goddess. You''ll see just how bad things have gotten there. The nobles have forgotten their duty."

    "I suppose I will entertain your idea, but I will god as a goddess. I will not broker disrespect from mortals," Nakki said.

    "The Motteburh nobles won''t be honest if you''re there as a goddess. They''ll do everything they can to make you happy," D?¨¦??om pointed out.

    "As they should."

    D?¨¦??om took a deep breath.

    "I''m going to stay up all night playing Deity of Battle 3," he thought before speaking. "Listen here, Nakki. My saint wants to invade Motteburh and put all its nobles'' heads on pikes. And if they don''t shape up, I''m going to do more than encourage him. I''ll personally help him."

    "Oh, shit. I apologize for using language unbecoming of a noble, but I believe those words are appropriate," Nakki said.

    "Then go into Motteburh disguised as a human. See what''s going on there for yourself. Or, if not that, at least see the area around your saints. It won''t be as good as going there yourself, but it''s the bare minimum," D?¨¦??om commanded.

    "I''ll do that, but I need to finish planning and executing an event first."

    "What kind of event?"

    "A very important event," Nakki stated.

    "Let me guess, you and your husband are having another wild sex party?" D?¨¦??om questioned.

    "Of course not! How dare you accuse us of that? It isn''t Lupercalia! We''re having a normal sex party!"

    "The goddess of aristocrates, everyone...no, wait, she''s actually a very appropriate goddess for aristocrats," he thought.

    "The party is next month. You can come if you want," Nakki offered.

    "No, thanks. I''m way too busy," D?¨¦??om said. "Just make sure that you get to Motteburh right after it."

    "You have my word."

    "Alright. Now, I''ll find out what my saint''s up to."

    "I''ll have to do the same with one of my saints. Everything should come together soon enough," Krewh stated.

    "Gustav, what''s going on?" D?¨¦??om contacted his saint.

    He sat in silence for a few moments. Then, he spoke aloud.

    "That is completely insane," he spoke aloud. "And also really cool."

    "The god of humanity, everyone," Nakki thought.

 Chapter 16: Interlude 4

    King Eduard the Defenestrator''s jaw dropped to the floor. He ran his hands through his hair, slicking it back to keep his dignified appearance.

    "Is this true? This had better not be part of some scheme," he said.

    Duke Armand stood in the center of the great hall. His wife, Dutchess Fleur, stood next to him. Her doll joints were visible to everyone. King Eduard and Queen Eleanor were on their thrones. Nobles filled the sides of the room.

    "It is a scheme of mine that discovered this," Duke Armand stated.

    "It''s hard to believe. After all this time, we found the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen," the king said.

    "I thought it didn''t exist," Queen Eleanor stated.

    "This is great news. With that treasure, we can pay off all our war debts. Then, I can use the rest of the money to build bridges, new roads, a grand church, hire more adventurers to kill monsters, and go on other projects," King Eduard smiled.

    "My scouts report that the stories of the treasure downplayed how much gold there was," Duke Armand said.

    "Give me the rest of the details," the king replied.

    Dutchess Fleur quickly brought over a board with a map on it.

    "We found Lost Treasure of Captain Omen here," Duke Armand placed a pen on the map. "And we believe the mountain it''s under is filled with gold."

    He made a half circle to outline the bottom of the mountain.

    "The problem is that the treasure is on disputed territory. The Kingdom of Vandalland has a claim on land from here to here."

    Armand drew a line over the territory.

    "At the end of it is a river filled with Vandalland forts. It won''t be long before they learn about the treasure too," the duke said.

    He drew another half circle, larger this time, to show the river''s flow. Giggles broke out among the nobles in the room. Dutchess Fleur chuckled.

    "Duke Armand, do you realize that you accidentally drew a dick in my father''s court?" Prince Jeremy glared.

    "I didn''t realize it was an accident," Duke Armand said.

    The king struggled to hold in his laughter.

    "If the treasure is where you say it is, I''m making you my jester," King Eduard promised.

    "I would be honored to be your jester, your Majesty."

    "Jeremy," the king said. "Stay in the palace. I''ll need someone managing things while I''m gone."

    He stood up and strode to the map.

    "Normally, I go to war with people who are weaker than I am. I would still prefer to not go to war with Vandalland. However, this treasure could bring great prosperity to Greenrivers. I must claim it. Even if Vandalland never finds out about the treasure, moving into disputed territory will no doubt provoke a military response."

    "What will you do, your Majesty?" a baron asked.

    "I will gather an army and claim the treasure with it. Queen Eleanor will accompany me. We''ll also need to be fast. Marshal Redfort, how many men can I raise in the next week?" King Eduard said.

    A tall noble with red hair and brown eyes stepped out of the crowd. Decorated plate armor adorned his body.

    "150 knights, 300 men at arms, 2,000 footmen, and 1,000 crossbowmen. This doesn''t count mercenaries," he said.

    "We''ll hire mercenaries. Which group would you recommend?" King Eduard asked.

    "The Teal Company. They''re the only mercenary group in the area that doesn''t specialize in killing monsters," Marshal Redfort answered.

    "I''ll send a message to their leader. Bolster our defenses and gather more men in the meantime. Once we gain a foothold around the treasure, we''ll need more numbers to defend it," King Eduard said.

    "Yes, your Majesty."

    <hr>

    Queen Hildoara''s head was in her hands. Duke Carini looked at her with sympathetic eyes. The two were in her castle''s solar. Hildoara sat at a table. A massive pile of letters was in front of her.

    "I''ve just started being queen, and our finances are in shambles," she sighed.

    "Yes. Your father''s searches for your Prince Wisimir were quite the drain on the treasury," Duke Carini stated.

    "That''s not the worst of it! We have war debts from wars my father fought that he never paid off. There''s also the money we owe to the church. Why do we even owe money to them anyway?"

    "I have no idea. Unfortunately, there aren''t many people we can ask about this."

    "Yes," Hildoara clenched her fists in anger.

    She remembered how her father had his steward brutally executed. This was because his steward suggested that he spend less money on his mistresses.

    "And that''s another debt. My father was a simp for every woman he fucked except mother," Hildoara spat.

    Footsteps echoed up the castle stairs. Hildoara and Carini turned to see Prince Wisimir enter the solar.

    "How''s my sister doing?" he asked. "I have some news for you."

    "Not well," Hildoara said.

    Her face softened upon seeing her brother.

    "Maybe you could help us? We owe a lot of money," she stated.

    Stolen story; please report.

    "How much?" Wisimir asked.

    "We think it''s about this much. Father''s records are too horrible to be certain," Hildoara said.

    She handed him a piece of paper.

    "That''s a lot of zeroes," Wisimir said.

    "Far too many," Hildoara sighed.

    "I believe our first step is hiring a new steward," Duke Carini suggested.

    "I agree. How long do you think it''ll take for us to find someone?"

    "Finding someone isn''t the biggest issue. We''ll need multiple people so we can get the best possible steward."

    "You can do that later. I think what I came here to tell you will help," Wisimir said.

    "What is it?" Hildoara asked.

    "We found the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen," he answered.

    Shock overcame Hildoara and Carini.

    "How can this be? That should just be an old legend," the duke said.

    "It''s no legend. I got a report from some of our scouts that they spotted Greenrivers men in the disputed territory. They searched the area the Greenrivers men were in and found the treasure," Wisimir explained.

    "That''s amazing!" Hildoara lovingly hugged her brother. "We''ll get the treasure and pay off all our debts!"

    "I''d be more careful about this, your Majesty. If there are Greenrivers men there, King Eduard the Defenestrator will find out about the treasure sooner or later," Duke Carini said.

    "Knowing him, he''ll come with an army," Hildoara stated.

    She released her brother from the hug.

    "If he tries to hurt you, I''ll kill him," Wisimir said.

    "No. I need you to stay here. I need someone I can trust in the capital," Hildoara replied.

    "I presume I''ll accompany you to battle, your Majesty?" Duke Carini asked.

    "You''re a better spellcaster than my brother and I put together. We need your magic. We''ll also need an army."

    She started shuffling through records.

    "How long do you think it''ll take King Eduard to raise an army?" Hildoara said.

    "He''ll be in a hurry, so I estimate he''ll have one put together in a week. It won''t have many supplies, but it could fortify around the treasure," Duke Carini stated.

    "We''ll need to be fast too. I don''t think we can afford a siege. How many men can we raise in a week?"

    "Our knights are scattered, hunting various monsters. We''ll only be able to raise 80 of them and 100 men at arms. However, many of the men we raised because we thought there would be a succession war are still ready to fight. We can raise 3,500 footmen, 500 archers, and 1,000 crossbowmen."

    "I''m not wasting time. I''ll start preparing our forces right away," Hildoara said.

    <hr>

    Voivode Dalv Sepet of Weltai sat on his horse, deep in thought. Trish was next to him on her horse. A falcon with blue-gray plumage on its upside and white plumage with some brown feathers on its lower side rested on her arm. She gazed at Dalv intently. A smile crossed his face.

    "So, it''s finally happening," he said.

    "What is?" she asked.

    "His 8-year plan. It''s long, overly complicated, relies on multiple coincidences to work, and he could have probably done something much easier that would have the same effect," Dalv answered.

    "That doesn''t sound like a plan he''d make," Trish said.

    "Well, he got that Greenrivers lunatic to help him make that plan. He said we needed a scheming expert."

    "Oh, you mean that plan," she said.

    "Yes," Dalv replied.

    "I don''t think it''s anywhere near as convoluted as you think it is," Trish stated.

    "Perhaps, perhaps not, but he is one of the few beings that could make a plan like that work."

    "Which stage of his plan are we at?"

    "King Eduard the Defenestrator of Greenrivers and Queen Hildoara of Vandalland both know where the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen is. They''ll have their armies raised in a week. Their men will get there about five days after," Dalv said.

    "And you''ll bring 50 knights to the site of the treasure. Small numbers to move fast and not use up supplies," Trish nodded.

    "Yes. D?¨¦??om will inform Saint Gustav von Blitzburg of the coming war when he finds out about it. Then, everything will come together."

    He smiled wide.

    "I''m so relieved that Hildoara succeeded at overthrowing her father. He deserved it, and the plan wouldn''t have worked if that monster was in charge," Dalv said.

    Dalv held out his arm. His falcon returned to it, carrying a bat in its claws.

    "A bat out at day. How unusual," he mused.

    The bat flapped, twisting in the falcon''s grip. It managed to free itself and fly away.

    "That''s a good omen," Trish stated.

    "Yes, very good. After all..." Dalv chuckled, revealing fanged teeth. "We vampires have a deep connection to bats."

    He started riding his horse back. Trish followed him.

    "Now, as long as nothing stupid happens, this plan will go perfectly," Dalv said.

    <hr>

    Heavy metal music blared across a canyon. It was so loud that it could drown out airplane engines. At the bottom of the ravine was a large stage. Several muscular green humanoids were on it with magical musical instruments. There was a massive crowd of similar creatures in front of them.

    One of them had a literal axe guitar.

    "Who''s the strongest orc of them all?" he sang. "Who makes his enemies ummm...fall rhymes with all, right?"

    Somehow, he was even louder than his instrument.

    "Who is the orc with eleven wives? Who owns the biggest collection of broken knives?" the bass player sang.

    The musicians sang at once with incredible energy.

    "Who is the leader we all adore? Who keeps fighting and coming back for more?"

    The crowd joined in on the singing.

    "Doomhell! Doomhelll! Doomhell! Doomhell!"

    A massive platform was carried above the crowd. It was made of several dead elephant-sized monsters stitched together. Spears, axes, swords, and all manner of other weapons stuck out of the bodies.

    "Doomhell! Doomhelll! Doomhell! Doomhell!"

    Eleven orc women were lying on the monsters. Two of them were at the very top, leaning on the arms of a throne made of solid rock. Every single one of these women looked overjoyed.

    "Doomhell! Doomhelll! Doomhell! Doomhell!"

    A massive orc man sat on the throne. He was eight feet tall with athletic muscles, a fanged mouth, and an 18-pack of abs. The orc stood up and raised his arms into the air.

    "Doomhell! Doomhelll! Doomhell! Doomhell!"

    The orc slid down the platform of monster corpses. He jumped from them onto the stage. His arms grasped the guitar, and the orc did a wicked guitar solo. Cheers erupted from the crowd. They all shouted at once as the song ended.

    "All hail King Doomhell!"

    "Thank you everyone for coming here today!" Doomhell said. "Of course, if you didn''t come here, I''d have killed you!"

    Laughter erupted from the crowd. This was not the sort of laughter people who fear a tyrant would make to appease him. It was genuine laughter.

    "Let me tell you something: humans think orcs are muscleheads. They think orcs are violent. They think orcs have no place in civilized society. They think orcs should all go to hell," Doomhell stated.

    He went silent. The orc crowd gazed on in eager anticipation. Doomhell waited, building up the tension.

    "And they''re right! All that stuff is awesome!" he shouted.

    The crowd erupted in joyous cheers.

    "I love my muscles, I love fighting, I think civilization is for pansies, and I want to go to hell so I can fight demons!" Doomhell declared.

    "Doomhell! Doomhell! Doomhell!" the crowd chanted.

    "Now, let me tell you all something. The humans say they look down on us, but they''re just trying to hide that they''re jealous. Can any of you blame them? Can any of you say that if you were a human, you wouldn''t want to be an orc?"

    The crowd nodded in agreement.

    "But what I can''t take is orcs looking down on me. If an orc has something to say to me, he can come here and say it to my face. If I don''t like it, we''re fighting. And if he gives me a good fight, I might let him live. Hell, if he comes here just to fight me, I might let him live. You gotta have balls to fight me!" Doomhell said.

    Every orc in the audience cheered.

    "Now, which of you can guess which orc''s looking down on me and why?"

    An orc in the audience raised his hand.

    "Durk! What''s your guess?" Doomhell asked.

    "King Geezer?" the orc said.

    "That''s right, Durk! King Geezer thinks my weapons aren''t shiny enough! He thinks that shiny weapons make you fight better, but he doesn''t have the balls to prove it!"

    "Don''t weapons stop being shiny when you put blood on them?" another ork wondered.

    "You''ve hit it right on the head, Bullstone! That''s why King Geezer doesn''t want to prove that shiny weapons make you fight better! When weapons get covered in blood, they''re not shiny anymore. He thinks that''ll make him too weak to fight," Doomhell said.

    Even by orc standards, King Geezer was a dumbass.

    "Then, I got to thinking. Dwarves can make magic weapons. What if we got them to make us all weapons that are always shiny? Then, we could go right up to King Geezer, show him all our shiny weapons, and laugh in his stupid face!"

    The orcs cheered.

    "We just have one problem: how do we pay for these weapons?" Doomhell smiled. "Well, one of our boys found a big pile of treasure. There''s more gold there than I''ve ever seen. And that''s not the best part! Some humans want the treasure too! We''ll get shiny weapons and fight an army of humans!"

    "Doomhell! Doomhell! Doomhell! Doomhell!"

 Chapter 17: A Draconic Plan

    I made a grand gesture in the air as I planted one foot on a table. On the inside, I could hear my heartbeat. I felt sweat trickle down my brow. It took every bit of effort I had to not tremble in fear.

    I''d figured out how to solve my family''s economic problems, and it would be the most dangerous thing I''ve ever done.

    "We''re going to introduce insurance to this world!" I declared.

    Silence overtook the room. I slowly gazed at the faces of my companions. Every one of them was splattered with confusion.

    "What''s insurance?" Johannes asked.

    "It''s something that existed in my world long before we had your technology," I said. "Let me give you an example to explain it. Let''s say you have a merchant. That merchant wants to go on a long-distance trading mission. So he gives money to an insurance company. If any of that merchant''s goods are damaged on the trip, the company will pay to replace them. Multiple merchants will give money to the insurance company. That means the company will have enough money to pay for any damages and make a profit. This insurance was essential to trade in my world."

    "That idea is ass," Dimitri stated.

    "He''s not wrong, but there''s more to your plan than just this, isn''t there?" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "There''s a lot more," I thought as I clenched my hands.

    "That must be why you''re scared shitless," he stated.

    "Yup."

    Joanna glared at Dimitri.

    "I will not tolerate your rudeness," she said.

    "It''s fine. I want honest feedback. Explain why it''s ass, Dimitri," I said.

    "Any merchant who goes on a long trip is guaranteed to get attacked by monsters. The only safe way to travel a long distance is by riding on a dragon or traveling with an army. Dragons can''t carry enough goods to make a profit and be able to fly. And merchants can''t afford to hire an entire army. Any insurance company would run out of money having to pay off all the damages," he replied.

    "That''s where the second step of my master plan comes in," I said. "The insurance company would double as a bodyguard service. The bodyguards would protect the caravans and pay compensation."

    My legs trembled. I slapped them hard.

    "Sorry, there was a mosquito," I covered it up.

    "I mean no disrespect, Saint Gustav, but a bodyguard service wouldn''t work. I''m really good at killing monsters, but there are monsters that I couldn''t hope to take. You could send an army, but that would only be able to protect a few merchants at a time at most. It wouldn''t be enough to pay the army," Johannes stated.

    "Gustav wouldn''t expect us to guard merchant caravans. It would take too much time, and we have other important work to do. Besides, he knows how expensive armies are," Joanna replied.

    "You hit it dead on the money, Joanna," I thought.

    I forced down the fear that was building up in my body.

    "Having undead guard them wouldn''t work either. We''d need a necromancer with every caravan, and I doubt many nobles would lower themselves to being merchant escorts," Dimitri said.

    "Why don''t we just wipe the monsters out with undead like you did in Weltai?" Astrid suggested.

    "You''re right that we were able to make Weltai safe by using undead to wipe out monsters, but we''re also a small country. Monsters don''t have many places to hide there. We wouldn''t be able to replicate that feat elsewhere."

    "Don''t worry. We''re not having undead bodyguards. We''ll get dragons to guard the caravans," I said.

    "That plan still ass," Dimitri stated.

    You have no idea, Dimitri. My plan isn''t ass if it succeeds. But if it fails, then...

    I took a deep breath, calming my trembling.

    "Saint Gustav''s plan is great," Astrid glared.

    Then, she broke out in a cold sweat. Astrid trembled as she spoke.

    "I didn''t mean to offend you, my lord. I just like my Liege Lord''s plan."

    "I''m not offended," Dimitri said.

    Astrid placed her hand on her chest. She breathed a sigh of relief.

    Dimitri stated, "Gustav, the dragons that fly people around are runts. They serve humans because they wouldn''t be able to hold down territory in the wild. They aren''t big enough to protect caravans, especially if a larger dragon decides to attack."

    "Gustav, are you sure you want to go through with this? You could always back out," D?¨¦??om said.

    Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

    "I don''t like this plan. But it''s the only way I could think of to promote trade. It won''t just help my family but all civilization. Trade is also a great way to prevent wars. I''ll save numerous lives," I thought.

    My eyes slowly scanned the others in the room.

    "Then let me ask you this: what can kill a dragon big enough to hold its territory?" I asked.

    "An army," Dimitri answered.

    "A powerful spellcaster," Johannes said.

    "Another dragon," Astrid stated.

    "A powerful adventuring party," Joanna added.

    "Exactly," I said. "Almost nothing can challenge a large dragon. That''s why we''re getting them to guard the merchant caravans."

    Everyone looked at me like I had gone completely fucking insane.

    "My Lord, I must strongly advise you to not try to talk to a dragon. It''ll end with you turning into a charred corpse," Astrid knelt before me.

    Johannes joined her, "Please, my Lord. Few who meet dragons ever come back alive."

    "Yes. Dragons that hold their own territory would never lower themselves to serving humans," Dimitri pointed out.

    Dr. Minos nodded.

    "Please, Gustav, don''t do it. You''re a spellcaster. You might live forever. Don''t throw that life away," Joanna said.

    I bit down my fear, pushing it into the deepest recesses of my mind.

    "Don''t worry. I will use one of the world''s greatest powers to persuade the dragon," I assured them.

    "No power could ever be good enough," Joanna stated.

    "You underestimate the power of sex," I said.

    Everyone in the room burst out laughing. Dimitri clutched his stomach and started choking. Joanna ran over to him. She cast a healing spell over her laughter.

    "Did you really have to phrase it that way?" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "Yes," I thought.

    "I can''t believe I thought you were being serious," Dimitri chuckled.

    "I was," I said.

    Dimitri sighed.

    "What are you going to do, seduce the dragon?" he questioned.

    "I don''t have to do that. The simple fact is that almost everyone wants to have sex. Male dragons horde gold for the same reason that bowerbirds horde blue objects: getting laid. If we sell protecting caravans to the dragons by telling them it''ll help them expand their hoards, we can get them to sign up. Plus, they won''t be mere servants. The dragons will be top-ranking members of the insurance company. And since large dragons can take human form, we can introduce them to human luxuries. They''ll start spending money on it. This will ensure that at least some of the gold they get is recirculated into the economy. And the increased trade will bring prosperity to the countries involved in it."

    My plan put us at risk of running out of gold if the dragons built their hoards long enough. However, it would take us centuries to reach that point, and I could come up with a solution by then. Introducing paper money might work, but then I''d have to deal with the fact that the dragons would want to be paid in precious metals.

    "By the gods, that''s brilliant," Dimitri said.

    "Thank you," I replied. "We''ll start out with one dragon, and if that goes well, he can help us convince other dragons to join the company."

    "I''ll help you if I get a cut of the insurance profits," he stated.

    "Done deal. Now, we need to find a dragon."

    I saw Dimitri furrow his brow. He placed his hand on his chin. Dimitri turned to Joanna.

    "Lady Joanna, is getting dragged off on crazy plans by Gustav normal for you?" Dimitri questioned. "I''m not complaining. I''d just like to know."

    "I was wondering that too. You were already going to the Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian contest to get an actor when I met you," Astrid admitted.

    "It''s been my life since Gustav came of age," Joanna said.

    My eye twitched. Yes, I dragged her off on crazy adventures, but she dragged me into a dungeon. Of course, that wasn''t a bad thing. But still.

    I kept my focus on hiding my fear and the task at hand.

    "Johannes, you killed a lot of monsters. How do we find a large dragon?" I asked.

    "I don''t know. I never looked into hunting wild dragons. It''s suicide. All I know is that they like mountains," he answered.

    "Why don''t we just ask around town?" Astrid suggested. "That''s how I found people for my duels."

    "Alright!" I smiled. "Everyone, break and try to figure out where a dragon is! I''ll look for transportation to mountains."

    Johannes raised his hand like a kid at school.

    "My Lord, I have a question," he said.

    "What is it?" I asked.

    "You said that there was a bird that collects blue objects."

    "Yes. It''s an animal from my previous world."

    "Your world had some weird animals," Johannes stated.

    "I know," I said. "Now, everyone start asking around about the dragon."

    "Some of us should stay with you, my Lord," Astrid replied.

    "Dr. Minos and I will do that," Joanna told her.

    With that, everyone except Joanna and Dr. Minos left the room.

    "You two go on ahead out. I''ll catch up with you in a few moments," I said. "Stay in the hall outside the room. I need to do some thinking on my own."

    Joanna and Dr. Minos exited.

    I collapsed to my knees. Ragged, heavy breaths forced themselves out of my mouth. I felt vomit well up in my stomach. It flew at my throat. Swallowing hard, I forced it down. Burning pain seared my neck. Sweat stung my eyes.

    "What the fuck am I thinking?" I held my arms, shivering.

    "I''m the god of humans, and even I have no idea," D?¨¦??om said. "You could still go back on your decision. No one would blame you."

    "No. I think this is the right course of action. Trade is essential for economic and technological advancement. Trade is limited in this world because we haven''t been able to wipe out the monsters. We need some way to protect merchants from monsters, and the only monsters that mess with dragons are other dragons."

    I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself. My breathing came out ragged. Sweat poured down my face like a waterfall.

    "Gustav, you need to calm down. Your plan is risky, but it isn''t bad. And if it succeeds, there''s high reward," D?¨¦??om said.

    "I know that. The problem is that I have to talk to a dragon to do that! I just...I don''t know if I can succeed. It''s one thing to talk to merchants or a director. But if the dragon wants to kill me, there''s nothing I can do to stop it," I stated.

    "You''ll have support. You''ve got your retinue and Dimitri. If you have trouble convincing them, they can help you," he pointed out.

    "I won''t have them. I''m facing the dragon on my own."

    I felt like I''d throw up again. My throat burned as vomit flowed up it. I swallowed as hard as I could, pushing it back down.

    "Let me guess: you don''t want to get anyone killed if your plan fails?" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "Yes," I answered.

    "Alright, then it looks like it''s just you and me," D?¨¦??om said.

    "Anything you can tell me about large dragons?"

    "They''re very arrogant. They don''t like taking orders from anyone, even gods. But they''re also very smart. Dragons age unless they know magic, but they live a very long time. Any dragon that''s large enough to hold its own territory is at least a hundred years old. That means they have an experience advantage over you."

    "How will we know if any rumors we find are talking about a male dragon and not a female dragon?" I asked.

    "Female dragons live in even more remote areas than male dragons do. They want to keep their children away from potential attackers, including humans. If you hear rumors about a dragon, it''ll be a male dragon," D?¨¦??om answered.

    I took a deep breath, steadying my nerves. Then, I stood up. My body had stopped shaking.

    "Alright," I said. "Let''s not waste time. To use a poker metaphor: This is a gamble, and I''m going all-in."

 Chapter 18: Joining a Caravan

    Joanna and Dr. Minos stood just outside the door with sympathetic gazes. I stopped in my tracks. I didn''t expect them to be so close.

    "Are you less scared now?" Joanna asked.

    "How did you know I was scared?" I questioned.

    "First, your plan involves negotiating with a wild dragon. Only an idiot wouldn''t be afraid. You''re insane, but you''re not stupid," she said.

    If I was an American in my past life, I''d say that I exercised my right to remain silent.

    "Second, I know you too well. I''ve been by your side since you were born. I''ve given you my milk..."

    "Please don''t bring that up," I said. "I was trying to forget that."

    "Why?" a look of confusion spread across Joanna''s face.

    "Just please," I begged.

    "Alright. The point is that I know you. I could tell that you were putting on a strong face for everyone else when you were terrified inside."

    Joanna placed her hand on my shoulder. A feeling of comfort flowed through me. It was like I was a little kid being held in her arms again. A normal teenager would be embarrassed as hell, but I wasn''t.

    "I appreciate that you''re trying to be strong for me," Joanna said. "But you don''t have to be. I can see right through it, and I want to help you. So, the next time you''re afraid enough that you want to be alone, let me stay in the room with you."

    "Thank you, Joanna," I smiled.

    She smiled back. Then, her face turned grim.

    "Also, I know you''re planning on going into the dragon''s lair by yourself. Don''t you dare do that."

    "But anyone going with me would die if things go bad," I said.

    "If a retainer''s lord is in danger, it''s their duty to protect them. Even if that means death. Everyone traveling with you understands that. The only people who aren''t your retainers are Donnie and Dimitri. Donnie wasn''t in this meeting, so I doubt you''re planning on taking him to the dragon. As for Dimitri, he knows the risks and is going anyway," Joanna stated.

    "I don''t want to be the sort of lord that uses people and throws them away," I replied.

    And people sacrificing themselves for feudal lords is bullshit.

    "I know. You want to protect people. Ever since you were a child, you wanted to make things better for commoners. You''re going out of your way to find solutions that don''t involve raising taxes on them. And I appreciate that," Joanna said. "But you''re not the only one who wants to protect people. Please think of the sworn duty of your retainers. You don''t have to throw them away. Just let them do their job of protecting you."

    "I will think about it," I replied.

    "Please do."

    We left the tavern. A cool breeze flowed through my hair. I smelled baked goods and turned to see that bakeries were opening. Children ran through the streets with smiling faces.

    "We were fast enough that news of the attack on the arena didn''t reach here yet," I thought. "Good. I don''t want to be around here when it does."

    "Then you''d better be fast," D?¨¦??om said.

    "I will," I promised.

    Then, I turned to Joanna. Her blond hair swayed in the wind as she gazed at the scenery. She kept her hand close to her sword.

    "Joanna, can I use your crystal ball?" I asked.

    "Of course," she answered.

    My wet nurse pulled out her crystal ball and handed it to me. I contacted Donnie with it.

    "Saint Gustav, I got some good news. No one died in that attack, and I found the perfect man to be our lead actor," he said.

    "That''s good," I stated. "But I''ll have to meet you back at Greenrivers."

    "Why?"

    "Some business came up, one of my various investments. I need to attend to it as soon as possible."

    "Alright, Saint Gustav. I''ll see ya later."

    With that, he hung up. I took a deep breath. Cool air flowed down my throat and into my lungs.

    "Everything seems so detailed. It was never like this before," I noted.

    "I''m not surprised. You''re risking your life more than ever before," Joanna said.

    "Yeah, I guess I am."

    Joanna looked uneasy.

    "Gustav, you told me that you remember your past life," she stated.

    "I remember it," I replied.

    "This might be an uncomfortable question, and I don''t feel comfortable asking it. But I want to keep something like that from happening again," Joanna said. "How did you die?"

    "I was struck by two bolts of lightning," I said.

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    Joanna''s eyes widened in shock. She looked straight at me with a dumbfounded expression.

    "Who was the god who reincarnated you?" she asked.

    "D?¨¦??om," I answered.

    "And he reincarnated you, who died of lightning twice, into the Blitzburg family?"

    "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" D?¨¦??om said. "I fucked up so bad! I wasn''t thinking enough when I reincarnated you here! I thought you''d be fine as long as you''re in Greenrivers! I''m so sorry!"

    "I thought you did it on purpose," I replied.

    "No, I didn''t."

    "I also thought it was really cool," I thought.

    "That''s weird, even for you," D?¨¦??om stated.

    "When I was reincarnated into the Blitzburg family, I thought you were giving the middle finger to the god that killed me. It''s like saying ''You killed this guy with lightning? Well, fuck you! I''m making him part of a family that rules over a place called Lightning Castle!'' It''s just the sort of defiance that I''d expect from you."

    "You''re talking to D?¨¦??om, aren''t you?" Joanna asked.

    "I am," I answered.

    "What did he say?"

    "That he reincarnated me into the Blitzburg family by accident."

    Joanna started to facepalm, but she stopped herself.

    "Tell her it''s okay to do that. I deserve it," D?¨¦??om groaned.

    "D?¨¦??om says slapping your forehead is fine," I said.

    Joanna facepalmed.

    "I didn''t know gods could make mistakes like that," she stated. "It''s no wonder saints end up being very casual with their god."

    The sound of footsteps reached my ears. I turned to see Dimitri, Johannes, and Astrid approaching us. Dimitri had a set of papers in his hand.

    "You were fast," I said.

    "I used magic to make my legs stronger," Dimitri replied. "I found a rumor, transportation, and where Johannes and Astrid were."

    "You''d use magic for something that trivial?" Joanna asked.

    "I''d rather not waste time," he answered.

    "It still seems like a waste," I said.

    "So you think in Greenrivers. We have a different perspective in Weltai. If you have magic, you might as well use it," Dimitri stated.

    "You''re not entirely wrong. If I want to show off, I''d use magic," I admitted.

    "Yes, he would," Astrid nodded.

    "Now, tell me about the rumors you found," I said.

    "They say that a dragon''s rampaging near the capital of the Squat Pad Tribe, that a thief stole a cup from its lair, and now it wants revenge," Dimitri stated. "I find it hard to believe that the dragon''s truly rampaging. If it was, there''d be far more than rumors."

    "Probably, but it''s still worth checking out," I replied.

    "I thought so too. I arranged transportation to the Squat Pad Tribe''s capital. We''ll be taking a caravan there."

    "We''re not flying a dragon over?"

    "No. The transport dragons refuse to go there," Dimitri said.

    "Either they''re taking the rumors seriously, or they know for a fact that there''s a large dragon there," I noted. "Let''s go."

    The caravan was small, no bigger than 5 carts. However, it was surrounded by men in plate armor. They carried halberds, greatswords, spears, and crossbows. There was a banner over them. It had the image of a green cat with a sail on its back on it.

    A man with a scarred face approached us. He was over two meters tall, covered in shining plate armor with grooves in it, and carried a halberd with images of battle carved into the wood. A woman was next to him. She wore black robes and an eyepatch over one eye.

    Accompanying the two of them was a short and portly man. He wore elaborate clothes of red and silver. There was a gold ring on each of his fingers and a golden necklace around his throat.

    "Lord Dimitri, are you ready to depart?" he said.

    "I''m more than ready," was the reply.

    My gaze turned to the other two.

    "And who are these?" I asked.

    "The Company of the Green Cat," Dimitri spoke up. "The younger son and daughter of a lesser noble of Weltai who turned to banditry and fled before Dalv could impale them. If I knew they were here, I''d have signed us up for a different caravan."

    "Don''t insult us like that. We''ve given up the life of crime for legitimate business. The Company of the Green Cat are mercenaries now," the man said.

    "We have lots of business from the barbarian clans and the king of Greenrivers," the woman added.

    "Oh, yes. I''m certain that all 20 of you are a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield. Maybe you could just conquer a nation of your own? I''m sure that you can take them," Dimitri''s voice dripped with sarcasm.

    "I don''t need to take that from you," she glared.

    The scarred man drew his sword, "If you insult our honor one more time..."

    "Everyone, stop," I stepped between them. "I am Gustav von Blitzburg, Saint of D?¨¦??om. We''re all traveling together. So, put whatever grudges you have aside."

    I looked right at Dimitri. Guilt spread over his face.

    "That''s right. Even if you are criminals, we are allies right now. I took things too far. I hope you will accept my apology," Dimitri bowed to the mercenary leaders.

    The scarred man literally spat in his face. As for the woman, she stepped around me and kicked Dimitri in the balls with her steel boot. He let out a scream of pain and fell to the ground. My retainers drew their weapons.

    "Saint Gustav, keep that boy away from us and we won''t have any problems," the scarred man demanded.

    "My lord, these people rejected your comrade''s apology and attacked him. They defied you as a saint despite being bandits turned mercenaries. You can''t afford to let them live and retain your honor," Astrid said.

    "She''s right," Joanna stated.

    The merchant had ducked behind a barrel. Sweat poured down his face, forming a pool below him.

    "Fuck!" I thought. "What am I supposed to do now? I don''t want to kill them, but if I don''t...fuck!"

    My mind raced for any nonviolent solution. I recalled everything I learned about the history of this world. Then, I thought back to my former world. A solution came to me.

    "I will spare your lives on one condition: you give me and Dimitri compensation," Saint Gustav said.

    "How do you know we won''t kill you?" the woman asked.

    "I don''t, but I know that D?¨¦??om will get pissed off if you do," I answered.

    The siblings didn''t speak. They looked at each other with a hint of fear in their eyes.

    "Fine," the scarred man groaned.

    He pulled out two sacks of coin. One was thrown to Dimitri, and the other was handed to me. I took it.

    "Now, tell me your names," I said. "Unless you want divine punishment."

    They hesitated a moment before speaking.

    "I''m Lexi Loanid," the scarred man stated.

    "And I''m Vasilisa Loanid," his sister added.

    "Well, then, Mr. Miss Loanid," I gave them a sadistic grin. "Don''t fuck with me."

    The two nodded and backed off. I walked over to Dimitri. Joanna was healing him.

    "Are you alright?" I asked.

    "As alright as I can be," he answered. "Where did you get that compensation idea?"

    "My last word. Some cultures used it as a way to regain your honor without resorting to violence. I just hope it works here."

    "I think you should have killed those bandits, but I respect your dedication to avoiding bloodshed. Just don''t let it go too far," Dimitri said.

    He grabbed his bag of coins and stood up.

    "I won''t," I promised.

    Then, I walked over to the merchant. He breathed a massive sigh of relief.

    "Saint Gustav, thank you for diffusing the situation," the merchant knelt.

    "Rise," I said.

    He stood up.

    "You don''t need to thank me. Just run your caravan as usual," I stated.

    "Of course, Saint Gustav," the merchant nodded.

    He started organizing the caravan again.

    "D?¨¦??om, why would the Loanids even threaten me in the first place? I''m a saint. I''d think that even kings would hesitate to risk pissing off the gods," I thought.

    "They''re bandits in Weltai. Only a reckless idiot would be a bandit there," he replied.

    "It has something to do with the Voivode, doesn''t it?"

    "Yes. The Voivode of Weltai hates criminals, especially thieves, more than anyone else. He has any bandits he captures impaled like Dimitri said. And his powers and support among the commoners, he is going to capture any bandit in Weltai sooner or later," D?¨¦??om said.

    "His attitude must have rubbed off on Dimitri," I thought.

    "Yeah. The Loanid siblings did the smartest thing they could by leaving Weltai, but that doesn''t change the fact that they''re reckless by nature."

    The caravan started leaving soon after that. I approached Johannes as we traveled with an idea in mind.

    "Johannes, I want to have a meeting where you teach everyone how to hunt monsters," I said.

 Chapter 19: Talking About Monsters

    We were surrounded by a black-as-night forest as our caravan crept through the countryside. Wolves howled in the distance, their music sending a chill down my spine. Every shadow seemed to jump at us. I inched deeper into the cart I was in.

    "This forest is fucking creepy," I said.

    "It is, my Lord," Astrid agreed.

    Dr. Minos shrugged.

    "Of course, a minotaur would be fine with this," Joanna sighed.

    "Johannes, how many monsters do you think are here?" I asked.

    "About 5,000," he answered.

    I swayed, almost falling down. Joanna caught me. My eyes turned to Dimitri, whose face was pale with fear. Astrid kept looking out of the wagon. She trembled in her seat.

    "Take deep breaths, just calm down," Joanna said. "I can''t blame any of you for being nervous. You''re new to this sort of thing."

    "I''ve never fought a monster before. I fly dragons everywhere," Astrid admitted.

    "Don''t worry. If the monsters wanted to attack us, they would have already," Johannes said.

    "Now''s the perfect time for you to tell us how to hunt monsters," I stated.

    "I will, my Lord. First, did anyone fight monsters before?"

    "I went adventuring with Joanna once," I replied.

    "I was an adventurer centuries ago and fought a few monsters since then," Joanna said.

    Dr. Minos pulled out a piece of paper and wrote on it. He turned it around.

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    "Minotaur mating rituals involve a clash of horns designed to prove which minotaur is worthy of reproducing. I have engaged in one of those rituals so far. Aside from that, territorial disputes between myself and other monsters occur but are uncommon. The food we consume is fundamentally different, and there is little else for us to engage in combat regarding," it read.

    Dimitri, Astrid, and Johannes looked on in stunned silence.

    "I didn''t think he knew how to write," Astrid stated.

    "I didn''t expect him to have such a... sophisticated vocabulary," Dimitri said.

    "Why? Dr. Minos has a PHD," I replied.

    "He does?"

    "Yes. Why do you think he''s called Dr.?" I asked.

    "I thought you were being insane!" Dimitri answered.

    "Please don''t insult my Lord," Astrid said.

    "Being called insane isn''t an insult," I replied.

    "If they''re talking about you, it''s a statement of fact," D?¨¦??om said.

    "I meant no offense," Dimitri stated.

    "Let''s get back to the main topic," I said. "Johannes, how do you fight monsters?"

    "The first rule of fighting monsters: fight like a dirty bastard," Johannes explained.

    "So, what people usually do when fighting anything?" I asked.

    "Do it more than that. Use every advantage you can think of to win. Only an idiot goes into a monster''s lair and fights fair," he answered.

    "Are you calling adventurers idiots?" Joanna narrowed her eyes.

    "No. Adventurers get spellcasters to help them," Johannes said.

    "But you just said that fighting monsters fairly is stupid."

    "Using magic isn''t fighting fair."

    "That''s different than everything I''ve heard," Dimitri noted.

    "It''s what commoners think, not nobles," Astrid explained.

    "Well, only idiots believe in fair fights, so it doesn''t matter that much," I shrugged.

    "Fair fights outside of duels," Dimitri said. "Speaking of which, I could use someone to practice duels with..."

    "No! No! Please no!" Johannes begged.

    "Saint Gustav!" Astrid got on her knees and planted her face into the wagon''s floor. "Please, no magical duel practice! People have died of boredom watching those!"

    "Don''t worry, we won''t do any magical duel practice. You''ll have to learn the rules eventually if you''re going to learn magic, but that can wait," I said.

    "I never understood why commoners dislike magical duels," Dimitri stated.

    "I''ve read accounts of them. The first few times, they''re funny, but they get old really quick," I said.

    "If I didn''t know you so well, I''d be shocked by this," Joanna sighed.

    Then, a sudden rumbling caught everyone''s attention. I looked outside to see that we had entered a great field. A massive worm burst out of the ground. Its hundred eyes glared at us with malevolent intent.

 Chapter 20: Giant Enemy Worm

    The giant worm stood over us, its countless eyes gazing with a feral hunger. Spittle dripped from its gaping maw. I took a deep breath.

    "I''m not going to freeze up! I''m not going to panic! I won''t be a burden to everyone!" I thought.

    "Stand back, my Lord! That monster is dangerous!" Johannes shouted.

    Joanna summoned a magic shield in front of us. The worm reared high into the air, its serpentine body curling over the shield.

    It sprayed spit all over me. I was drenched in the liquid.

    "What the fuck?" I said, disgust flowing through me.

    "My Lord, it spits acid!" Johannes hollered.

    "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

    Pain crept into my body. I could see my clothes and flesh alike dissolving. I waved my arms, trying to flick the acid off. Joanna pointed her hand at me. A great wind blasted forth. The acid was flung off my body, hitting the ground and carriage behind me.

    "Thanks, Joanna," I breathed a sigh of relief and looked down.

    The acid had dissolved most of my clothes. The remaining clothes were blown off by Joanna''s wind spell.

    "Fuck," I said.

    With a great lunge, the worm launched itself at us. Joanna moved her magic shield in front of its path. There was a great crash as the worm collided with it. The shield was pushed back, and we were forced to move to avoid getting crushed.

    I ran over to a wagon, grabbed a piece of cloth, and wrapped it around my body.

    "Much better," I said.

    "That''s the first thing you do when we''re being attacked by a giant worm?" Dmitri looked at me with exasperation.

    "I''m not fighting that thing naked!" I replied. "Now, where are the mercenaries?"

    "They fucked off the moment the worm got here!" Dimitri said. "Never trust bandits!"

    The worm sprayed spit over the magic shield. It slid down the shield, landing on the ground below. Rage filled the monster''s numerous eyes. Its body slammed into the shield once more. We were pushed back right next to the wagon.

    "Johannes, can we distract that thing with spice?" I asked.

    "No. Why do you even think we could?" he answered.

    "That was pretty stupid of me," I admitted.

    "It''s fine. You''re inexperienced. Western Deathworms can''t be distracted with spice. You''re thinking of Eastern Deathworms."

    The deathworm moved around the shield. It crashed through the wagon, circling around behind us. When the deathworm crushed the wagon, it had to work its way through the wood and cargo. This slowed the monster down.

    "Now! Shoot in its mouth!" Johannes shouted.

    Joanna and I launched fireballs into the monster''s gaping maw. It let out a scream of pain so cold that it chilled my bones. I clutched my body and shivered.

    "Again!" Johannes said.

    We launched more fireballs. The worm lurched back.

    "Lord Dimitri, spectral chains!"

    The necromancer placed his hands on the ground and chanted. Ghostly chains emerged from below. They wrapped around the worm. It took a single second for the monster to break out of them.

    However, Johannes, Astrid, and Dr. Minos were able to close the distance in that short time. They leapt onto the deathworm. Astrid swung her greatsword, cutting deep into its flesh. Dr. Minos did the same with his axe. Johannes pulled out a dagger. He started stabbing the creature''s eyes. Brown blood sprayed like a geyser.

    The deathworm bucked upwards. Everyone on it was jolted towards the air. Astrid stabbed her greatsword deep into the monster and held on for dear life. Johannes did the same with his dagger. However, Dr. Minos was thrown into the air. Joanna cast a wind spell to slow his fall.

    I shot a fireball at the worm''s hide. It hit the monster hard, but when the smoke cleared, there was no burn mark on the deathworm. The monster hadn''t even flinched. Fear had struck my heart. My entire body shook.

    "Our fireballs do fuck all unless we hit its mouth! It''ll figure that out soon, and then...Fuck! We''re fucked!" I thought.

    "Gustav, calm down. I know you can handle this. You''ve got some incredible spellcasters here, an experienced monster hunter, an incredibly skilled swordswoman, and a minotaur," D?¨¦??om encouraged me.

    The deathworm slammed back into the ground, crashing into the ruined wagon. Dirt and splinters of wood flew everywhere. However, Astrid and Johannes stayed on its back. Astrid was breathing heavily, but she withdrew her greatsword and swung again. Johannes withdrew his dagger and kept stabbing its eyes. Dr. Minos crashed into a carriage. He stood up, bleeding from fragments of wood that stuck out of his body.

    "It''s blind on your side! Attack its mouth!" Johannes shouted.

    Joanna, Dimitri, and I ran around the creature''s side. I shot a fireball into its mouth. Joanna did the same. Dimitri summoned a spear of bone and thrust it into the creature''s side. The spear snapped.

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    The deathworm reared its head. Its mouth faced the air. A sudden wave of heat washed over me.

    "Why did it get warm?" I asked.

    "The deathworm''s absorbing the cold from the air. Only heat remains," Johannes answered.

    "That...that doesn''t make any sense!"

    "There''s a reason why the deathworm''s doing this. The deathworm''s going to do another chilling shriek. It''ll be more powerful this time."

    "That''s not even remotely what I meant," I thought.

    "We''ll need another magic shield up," Johannes said.

    He jumped off the deathworm with Astrid following him.

    "I have an idea," I said. "Astrid, are you willing to sacrifice your greatsword to kill that thing? I''ll buy you a new one."

    "I am, my Lord," she said.

    I grabbed her sword and charged the deathworm. I magically strengthened my legs as much as I could.

    "You attacked me, hurt my friends, destroyed private property, and violated the laws of physics," I said. "As a lord, I judge you and find you guilty."

    I used Astrid''s greatsword and my enhanced legs to pole vault into the air. I landed on the edge of the deathworm''s gaping maw. I gazed into its countless rows of teeth. Fear flowed through me, but I forced it down.

    "The sentence is death!" I shouted.

    With a great swing, I threw Astrid''s greatsword down the creature''s mouth. The weapon swerved to the side as it fell. It was caught in the deathworm''s throat. Then, it froze.

    I shot a fireball at the weapon. My spell was as hot as it could possibly be. The sudden heat after freezing caused the sword to shatter into pieces.

    Fragments of the sword embedded themselves in the deathworm''s throat. Several flew at me, but I used a wind spell to send them flying back.

    Blood sprayed out of the worm''s mouth. It slammed into me like a truck. I tumbled through the air, reinforcing my body with magic as I crashed to the ground. A blast of wind hit my back. My fall was slowed.

    I still hit the ground with a loud thunk! My back and shoulders felt like they had been massaged by a gorilla.

    Joanna ran over.

    "Gustav, are you alright?" she asked.

    "It''s a good thing I reinforced my body with magic and you slowed my fall, or that would have broken my shoulders. Aside from that, I''m fine. Thank you," I answered.

    Joanna helped me up. She cast a healing spell on me. Relief flowed through my body as my bruises were healed. We gazed at the corpse of the deathworm. Johannes walked over and examined the monster.

    "The monster bled to death. It looks like Saint Gustav delivered the final blow," he said.

    "I just finished it off. I wouldn''t have been able to do that if the rest of you hadn''t started the bleeding," I replied.

    Astrid bowed deeply.

    "You are too kind, my Lord," she said.

    The merchant ran over. There was a smile of relief on his face. He bowed.

    "Thank you, all of you! You saved us from that monster!" he stated. "You''ll get paid for this."

    "There''s no need. Protecting this caravan was part of our agreement," Dimitri said.

    "No, I insist. I can''t look ungrateful to a lord and a saint," the merchant replied. "And besides, those damn mercenaries ran off. I can just give you what I was going to pay them."

    "Yes! Some money! I need this desperately!" I thought. "But would it be right to take any of it? I barely did anything. Johannes did most of the work. All I did was finish the worm off."

    "You shot it with fireballs too," D?¨¦??om pointed out.

    "Joanna did that too. Pretty much everyone did more work than I did," I pointed out.

    "I''m sure you''ll do the right thing."

    "I will. I don''t have the luxury of being generous, but I can''t take credit that I don''t deserve," I promised.

    The merchant paid us, and I turned to my companions. I divided my payment into 8 pieces.

    "I''ll take one share of this, and the rest of you get one share too. Except for Johannes. He gets two," I said.

    Shock covered everyone''s faces. Joanna in particular was surprised.

    "Gustav, are you sure this is a good idea?" she asked.

    "I am. It''s what I must do as a lord and a saint," I answered.

    "Joanna''s gonna give me a massive lecture later. I just gave away funds that could help pay off our family''s debt, and I still have to buy Astrid a new greatsword," I thought. "I''m such a fucking idiot."

    "Thank you, my Lord," Astrid said.

    Johannes and the others were about to thank me too. I held up my hand.

    "Don''t thank me. Just take your coin. I need to focus on something else. Johannes, grab your coin and follow me," I stated.

    I walked over to the deathworm''s corpse. The creature was smaller than I first thought it was. That wasn''t saying much because it was still bigger than an elephant. Still, it was good to know that if it landed on me, I''d be slightly less of a red stain on the ground.

    Johannes stepped next to me. There was a curious expression on his face.

    "What do you need, my Lord?" he asked.

    "How do deathworms taste?" I questioned.

    D?¨¦??om burst out laughing.

    "Have you ever eaten a pinecone?" Johannes wondered.

    "Yes," I said.

    "Why am I not surprised?" D?¨¦??om spoke.

    "Imagine the taste of a pinecone. Now, think of it but five times as chewy. Add more indigestion," Johannes said.

    "There goes that plan. Johannes, when I shot the Deathworm''s body, my fireball did nothing. But your swords hurt it. Why is that?"

    "Deathworm hide is resistant to magic."

    "Then we could cut it off and make armor out of it," I stated.

    "I''m afraid not, my Lord. Deathworm hide needs to be thick to resist spells. Armor from it would be too heavy to wear," Johannes replied.

    "Is there any part of the deathworm that we could sell?"

    "Yes. The deathworm''s eyes harden when they die. Some people will pay money for them," he said.

    "Alright!"

    I smiled and ran over to the eyes Johannes hadn''t destroyed. They were crystalline, purple, and gold. Grabbing one of them, I tried to pull it out. The eye wouldn''t budge. I pulled out a dagger and started prying it. It popped out of the socket after a few moments.

    "And that''s...how much do these sell for, Johannes?" I asked.

    "It depends on where you sell them. But it''s normally a lot," he answered.

    "Yes! Time to get more money!" I said.

    I moved to another eye and started prying it out.

    "My Lord, you are both greedy and generous," Johannes stated.

    Stopping my prying, I turned to him.

    "Is that a compliment or an insult?" I asked.

    "I''m just confused. How can you be both?" Johannes wondered.

    "That''s need-to-know information," I said.

    "So, I need to know it?"

    "No, you don''t. That''s why I''m not telling you."

    "I''ll tell him about my family''s debts later. I can''t risk Dimitri or anyone else finding out. Right now, it''d be better if he thought I was just greedy," I thought.

    "If news of your debts spread, people would try to take advantage of you," D?¨¦??om agreed.

    When I pried out all the remaining eyes, I put them in a sack. Then, I returned to the caravan. Several workers were grabbing goods from the destroyed cart and bringing them to other carriages. I saw the head merchant talking to Dimitri and Joanna.

    "We''ve salvaged some of the goods, my Lord, but most of them are lost. This is what usually happens on trips like this," the merchant said.

    "I can see why merchants outside of Weltai don''t travel far," Dimitri noted.

    "Yes. Weltai is the safest place in the world. It''s amazing how blessed the people there are," Joanna stated.

    "And I didn''t even know that until now. I need to travel more," Dimitri said.

    Guilt coated his face.

    "Looks like the dangers merchants face outside of Weltai finally sunk in," I thought.

    "None of this is your fault. You don''t need to worry," the merchant assured Dimitri.

    "Ignorance is a sin, always. I should at least be able to give my sympathies."

    Dimitri then turned to me.

    "Saint Gustav, will your plan help these people? Will it really work?" he asked.

    "If we can pull it off, it will help," I answered.

    I projected false confidence. Deep down, I was scared shitless.

    "Good," Dimitri''s words were terse.

    "We just need to wait for the merchants to transfer the goods. Soon, if there are no interruptions, we''ll face down a dragon," I thought.

    My hands were clenched so hard that I felt they''d crack.

 Chapter 21: Can My New Retainers Use Magic?

    The caravan rode into the capital of the Squat Pad Tribe. I gazed across the city. It looked like something out of a stereotypical Viking movie. There was bark on the wooden sides of the buildings, nothing was painted, the woodwork looked like it had been done by a five-year-old caveman, and none of the wagon wheels had spokes. They were covered in mud from where they sunk into the ground. A horrid stench of sweat wafted into my nose. Turning my head in its direction, I saw a bunch of barbarians working out. So much sweat poured off their bodies that it made a pond under them.

    "How the fuck do these people function? This place makes the houses of poor serfs look like palaces," I said.

    "The Squat Pad Tribe is the poorest of all the barbarian tribes. After buying workout equipment, they don''t have any money left for good buildings," D?¨¦??om explained.

    "It looks like I''ll have to wait to sell the deathworm eyes. Why are these merchants going here any..."

    I started, but a realization came to me.

    Looking under one of the tarps that covered the goods the merchants were selling, I saw a lot of bodybuilding equipment. I groaned.

    "Of course, they''re selling workout gear," I said.

    "What do most barbarians even do for a living? Their entire society is focused on building muscles," Dimitri pondered.

    "I''m not sure. Have any of you spent enough time among the barbarians to know?" Joanna asked.

    "They do most of the things everyone else does. There are barbarian carpenters, woodcutters, gong farmers," Astrid said. "They just spend most of their free time working out, and the barbarians who build the most muscles from working out get stronger for a living."

    "There are barbarian hunters too. They can shoot powerful bows," Johannes added.

    The merchant caravan stopped, and everyone left the cart.

    "Now, let''s find the tavern. I think that''s a good starting point to look for rumors of dragons," I said.

    "Should we split up like last time?" Dimitri asked.

    "Not yet. I want us to be close in case a dragon attacks. That''ll give us a better chance of surviving," I answered.

    "Yes. It''ll go from a 0% chance to a 1% chance. Truly a marvelous plan," he snarked.

    A sigh escaped my mouth.

    "We''ll split up if we don''t find anything in the tavern," I promised.

    I started walking at a brisk pace, finding the tavern pretty quickly. Smoke poured out the moment I opened the door. It flowed right into my face. I coughed hard and fast.

    Then, I stumbled into the tavern. The inside smelled like cigarettes. I gagged.

    "Fuck. I didn''t know tobacco existed in this world," I muttered.

    "It doesn''t," D?¨¦??om replied.

    I scanned the room for the source of the smoke. There was an open pot right behind the bar. It was roasting over a fire. Several magical cans of beer were inside the pot, boiling. I turned and walked right out of the tavern.

    "No, no, no," I said.

    "What do you mean?" Joanna asked.

    "Fuck the tavern. We''re not going in there. I don''t care how many rumors of dragons we can find," I answered.

    A soft voice came to our ears.

    "Rumors of dragons, you say?"

    I turned to its source. Before us stood a crooked old man with a crooked cane. He had a crocked mouse on his shoulder. There was a crooked cat by his side.

    "Who are you?" I questioned.

    "I go bah many names. But you can call me...Crooked Steve," he said.

    "Did you hear anything about any dragons, Steve?"

    "No one''s heard anythin'' about dragons ''round these parts in 30 years."

    "Fuck! We came all this way for nothing!" I groaned.

    "I''m just messin'' with ya''. Everyone''s talkin'' about dragons," Steve said.

    "Don''t mess with my Lord," Astrid glared.

    "It''s fine," I said. "Steve, why is everyone talking about dragons?"

    "Just a few days ago, there was a fight," Steve replied.

    He then just stood there, smiling and not saying anything.

    "What happened in the fight?" I asked.

    "I''m glad you asked. You see, a dragon came down from the mountain and ate some cows and sheep and chickens and ducks and pigs and horses and..."

    "I understand. The dragon ate livestock. Can we move on?" I interrupted him.

    "Sure thing, Lord. Now, the locals didn''t quite like this."

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    "Thank you, King of Obviousland," Dimitri rolled his eyes.

    "I''m just messin'' with you. The locals loved it because the dragon paid a lot of money for their animals," Steve said.

    "A dragon that actually spends their horde? That''s a great sign!" I thought.

    "That''s when the fight came. A bunch o'' idiots thought they could take the dragon, make a name for themselves," Steve stated.

    "They wanted to make names for themselves? Did they want to get in duels?" Astrid wondered.

    "No, not at all."

    "Why else would you want to make a name for yourself?" she asked.

    "To get laid, o'' course," he answered.

    "Does that really work?" Astrid pondered.

    "You''re with me, aren''t you?" Johannes said.

    "But we haven''t had sex yet."

    "We will eventually. It works."

    "That''s a good point," Astrid admitted.

    "I''m glad Johannes didn''t bring up all the other women he''s slept with," I thought.

    "You''re assuming Johannes had sex with any of the women who wanted him," D?¨¦??om said.

    "He didn''t?"

    "It might seem strange, but Johannes is a bit of a romantic. He wants love before sex, which is why he''s sticking with Astrid. They''re practically made for each other."

    "Anyway," Steve continued. "They fought the dragon. They hurt it, but it ate them. And now, everyone''s takin'' about it."

    "Thank you, Steve. Do you know where the dragon lives?" I asked.

    "Right up there."

    He pointed at a mountain.

    "Alright, let''s get going," I said. "We have a mountain to get to."

    I started walking away with my party.

    "Let''s find someone else to talk to. If Steve''s telling the truth, we can ask anyone on the street to learn about the dragon," I stated.

    Sure enough, Steve was telling the truth. We left the city to go to the mountain. It was close enough that we were able to walk to it in under an hour after I bought Astrid a new greatsword. Then, we looked up.

    The mountain loomed over us, so high that its peak was obscured by clouds. I saw snow coating the mountain like a white blanket. Massive jagged rocks filled the lower parts of the mountain.

    I cast a spell to enhance my eyesight and gazed further. Smaller jagged rocks covered most of the mountain. These rocks stopped for a moment on an area about halfway to its peak. A cave was nestled in the mountain there. It was big enough for a dragon to fit through.

    "The dragon''s probably in that cave, but it''ll be dangerous to climb up there," I said.

    "And if the dragon decides to attack us while we''re climbing, we won''t be able to defend ourselves," Joanna noted.

    I stood there, contemplating. We needed a way to get up to the cave quickly, but how? Magic was one option. But the dragon might think we''re aggressive. And besides, I still wanted to avoid putting everyone else in danger. Numerous options floated through my mind before a grimace crossed my face. I hated having to resort to using an English weapon, but at least I''d combine it with a French invention.

    "I have a plan. Are there any villages around here where we could get a lot of cheap labor?" I asked.

    "In the capital, I heard some people talking about a very poor village called Selfaeta. It''s nearby, and we can probably hire some people for less money there than we could in the city," Astrid answered.

    "We should be careful. I heard Selfaeta''s infested with cannibals," Dimitri said.

    "Let me ask about it," I said before thinking. "D?¨¦??om, is the village of Selfaeta filled with cannibals?"

    "No. They stopped being cannibals a few hundred years ago," the god replied.

    "D?¨¦??om says it''s fine. Now, for phase two of my plan, Joanna, how much control do you have over your wind magic?"

    "A lot," she stated.

    "Do you have enough control to manipulate an object as it blows through the air?" I asked.

    "That depends on the object," Joanna answered.

    "A giant piece of fabric with someone hanging from it."

    "I have no idea."

    "Then, we''ll have to try," I said.

    "D?¨¦??om, do the people of this world have the technology to make parachutes? I mean, if I gave them the design of a parachute, could they make one that works?" I thought.

    "Yes, but it would take a few tries for them to get it right."

    "Thanks," I replied.

    Then, I spoke to everyone.

    "I have an invention from my previous world that could help us and revolutionize travel in this world. It''s called a parachute," I said.

    "That''s the piece of fabric you were talking about, right?" Joanna asked.

    "Yes. In the world I lived in before reincarnating, people flew using machines like how people here use dragons to fly. Parachutes were made so that people who fell from those machines wouldn''t crash to the ground. The parachute would slow their descent," I explained.

    "I understand. You want to ride on a dragon and use a parachute to go to the cave. But we won''t be able to get a smaller dragon to fly here," Dimitri stated.

    "That''s not my plan. You see, my plan has one last step in it. I just need to ask D?¨¦??om to make sure it''ll work," I said.

    Then, I thought, "D?¨¦??om, could a parachute made in the materials available in this world and strengthened by magic survive getting thrown out of a 120-meter tall trebuchet?"

    "I''m in the middle of a meeting right now. I''ll talk to you later," the god replied.

    I sat down on a rock.

    "What did he say?" Joanna asked.

    "He said he''s at a meeting and will talk to me later," I answered.

    "Well, might as well relax while we wait," Dimitri said.

    Then, he walked over to a tree, sat down, and leaned back against it. I stood up as an idea crossed my mind.

    "Astrid, Johannes, you''ve been reading those books I gave you, right?"

    "We have, my Lord," Astrid stated.

    "Let''s see if you two can use magic at all," I said. "Come over here and hold your hands out. Palms up."

    Johannes and Astrid did as I instructed.

    "Now, concentrate on your palms. Focus as hard as you can. Remember the magical instructions you read in those books," I said.

    The two of them furrowed their brows. Their eyes focused on their palms. I saw a faint glow radiating from their hands. Moving closer to them, I felt a warmth. A smile crossed my face.

    "Reach deep into your mind while concentrating. Think of something that''s important to you, something that you get strength and comfort from, something that''s fundamental to your very existence. Draw on that strength and conjure it."

    An inky black substance squirted from Johannes'' hands. It flew right into my face, coating it. Astrid let out a yelp of shock as a chunk of metal flew out of her hands and beaned me in the forehead. I gave them both a thumbs up.

    "Good job! You can use magic!" I said.

    "Are you alright, my Lord?" Johannes asked.

    "My Lord, I''m so sorry," Astrid stated.

    "Don''t worry about it. I''m just happy that you can use magic," I replied.

    I wiped the black stuff off my face.

    "So, Astrid, you created metal because you thought of swords. Is that right?" I questioned.

    "It is, my Lord," she nodded.

    "Then what were you thinking of, Johannes?"

    "Squid ink," he said.

    "What? Squid ink?" Dimitri fell from his seat. "Why squid ink?"

    "Have you been to the Southern City States?" Johannes asked.

    "No."

    "They eat pasta with squid ink there. It''s my favorite food."

    "Gustav, what''s going on?" D?¨¦??om''s voice came into my head.

    "Everyone, hold on a second. D?¨¦??om called me," I said before thinking. "We need to get halfway up a mountain to a cave. Climbing isn''t a good idea, and I don''t have many other options. So, I want to build the Warwolf, the largest trebuchet ever made. I''ll get inside of it and launch myself into the air. Then, I''ll use a parachute to slow my fall. Joanna can use her wind magic to guide me to the cave."

    There was a moment of silence. My years of experience with D?¨¦??om told me that he was taking in what I just said.

    "That is completely insane," D?¨¦??om stated. "And also really cool."

    "I know, right?"

    "You shouldn''t even bother trying it. It''s a terrible idea."

    "Is it a worse idea than going to a dragon''s cave and trying to get it to start an insurance business?"

    "Yes. Gustav, you''re getting desperate."

    "I know that better than anyone else. If you have any better ideas, I''m all ears."

    "Give me a few minutes. I''ll come up with something that won''t get you killed."

 Chapter 22: Up the Mountain

    I gazed down at the ground at least 50 meters below me. A sense of vertigo flowed through me. I felt like I was going to throw up. My hands clutched the talons that surrounded my body tighter. Dimitri and Dr. Minos were being carried with me, the former in the same state of fear I was in.

    "You know, D?¨¦??om, you could have gotten me a ride that doesn''t have to carry me in its talons," I thought.

    "It can let you ride on its back. It just doesn''t want to," he replied.

    "Fair enough."

    A while earlier, I was discussing things with D?¨¦??om.

    "You want to go to the dragon, but you also want to get there first so you can talk to the dragon without endangering anyone," he said.

    "That''s right," I replied.

    "You''ve got a lot of people that want to protect you. Do you really want to rush ahead of them? It''ll just make them mad," D?¨¦??om stated. "And it might not save them. If the dragon kills you, your retinue won''t know. They''ll rush in to join you and die too."

    My body heated up. I felt my hands shake. A sense of nausea welled up inside of me.

    "Oh, fuck, you''re right," I admitted.

    "I''ll find some safe way to get everyone up there, so take some time to calm down. You can''t do this on your own in the most literal way possible," D?¨¦??om said.

    I took a deep breath.

    "Gustav, are you alright?" Joanna asked in a whisper.

    "I''m fine. Just talking to D?¨¦??om," I answered.

    "You''re shaking all over. Is something wrong?"

    "Yes. We''re about to go into a dragon''s lair to negotiate with it," I said.

    "I can''t blame you for being nervous about that," Joanna replied.

    "Gustav, I have a plan," D?¨¦??om stated.

    "Hold on a minute. D?¨¦??om has something to say," I said before thinking. "What is it?"

    "I can call in favors from another god. I''ll have them send a few rocs over," D?¨¦??om told me.

    "That''s perfect! When can they get here?"

    "Just a few minutes."

    I stood up, hiding my shaking as best as I could.

    "Good news. D?¨¦??om''s sending a few rocs over to carry us to the dragon''s cave," I said.

    "How are rocks going to help us?" Dimitri questioned.

    "I told you. They can carry us," I stated.

    Dr. Minos scratched his head.

    "Are they magic rocks?" Astrid questioned.

    "They''re no more magical than other rocks," I said.

    "Is D?¨¦??om using god magic to make them fly?" Dimitri wondered.

    "No. They can fly on their own."

    "None of this makes any sense."

    "I think we have a misunderstanding. They''re not stone rocks, they''re bird rocs," I stated.

    Silence overcame the area. Everyone looked confused.

    "Johannes, you know a lot about monsters. You must know about rocs," I said.

    "I''m afraid not," he replied.

    I pondered a moment.

    "Rocs come from Middle Eastern folklore in my old world. They''re probably desert animals here. Considering how rare long-distance travel is here, I doubt most people on this continent have even heard of rocs."

    "Wait a few minutes. You''ll see what they are," I said.

    Several great shadows passed over us. We looked to the sky to see what was there.

    Two massive birds flew over us. When they flapped their huge wings, wind blasted over me. I saw that their upper feathers were dark brown. Their lower feathers were light and coppery in color. Their talons were so large and long that they could hold an entire horse.

    They gazed at us with orange eyes. Their hooked black beaks looked like they could pierce through elephant hide.

    "The rocs are here. They haven''t fully grown yet, but they should be able to carry you just fine," D?¨¦??om said.

    "Do we just get on their backs?" I thought.

    "They don''t like carrying things on their backs. It makes their feathers feel weird. They''ll carry you in their talons."

    "What are those things?" Joanna raised her hand at them.

    "Don''t attack! They''re the rocs," I said.

    "I''ve never seen birds that large before," Johannes stated.

    "These are young rocs. I''ve heard that the adults are big enough to carry elephants."

    "What''s an elephant?"

    "A really big animal," I explained.

    The rocs swept down, landing in front of us. My companions instinctively flinched away. Then, the birds gazed down at us with cold eyes. One of them made a squawking sound.

    "I''ll let them know when you''re ready," D?¨¦??om said.

    "Alright," I thought before speaking. "We''ll need to decide who goes on which roc."

    My heart sank when I said that. There was no getting out of bringing everyone with me. I wanted to keep them safe, no matter what, but I had to accept that they''ll go into the dragon''s lair with me. Nausea welled in my throat. I forced it down.

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    "One of them should be enough to carry us all," Dimitri stated.

    "If we were flying on their backs. They don''t want to do that, so they''ll carry us in their talons."

    Dimitri waved his arms through the air.

    "No, no, absolutely not," he said. "Birds kill things with their talons. I''m not getting anywhere near those."

    My retainers'' eyes were filled with hesitation. Even Dr. Minos looked nervous.

    "I need to do something to reassure them," I thought.

    So, I walked right over to the rocs. My retainers rushed forward. I saw fear in their eyes, but I paid it no attention.

    "D?¨¦??om, can I pet the rocs'' legs?" I asked.

    "Yes," he answered.

    I stood next to one of the rocs and petted its legs. They felt scaly. The roc then made an affectionate bird noise. Its companion moved closer, squeaking. I petted its legs with one hand and the first roc''s legs with the other.

    When I turned to my retainers and Dimitri, I saw that they all had dumbfounded looks on their faces.

    "Gustav, out of all the insane things you''ve done, this is in the top three," Joanna said.

    "D?¨¦??om sent these rocs. They''re perfectly safe," I replied.

    "My Lord, I believe you. But these rocs are still terrifying. Only giants and dragons are as big as them," Johannes stated.

    "You''re not afraid to ride on dragons, but you''re afraid to ride on rocs?"

    "Dragons are sentient. They can talk to us," he replied.

    "That''s a good point," I thought before speaking. "Alright, fine, we have two other options. We can climb up the mountain''s jagged rocks. If the dragon attacks us, we''ll have no way to protect ourselves."

    "That''s a horrible option. What''s the other one?" Dimitri asked.

    "We build a giant trebuchet and launch ourselves out of it," I answered.

    "Rocs sound fine! I can''t wait to fly on those birds!" he forced a smile.

    "My Lord, I''d be honored to ride on D?¨¦??om''s rocs," Astrid bowed.

    Dr. Minos gave a thumbs up.

    "I might have misjudged those birds," Johannes said.

    Joanna nodded.

    "If we can fly on dragons, the rocs should be fine."

    "Alright," I stated. "We''ll need to decide who''s riding together."

    I turned to Joanna and Astrid.

    "You two should ride with each other because you''re both women. Johannes, you should ride with them since you''re with Astrid. You two don''t mind being close, right?" I asked.

    "We don''t," Johannes said.

    "I''m happy to ride close to Johannes, my Lord," Astrid stated.

    "Then you can be in the middle, Joanna can be on one side of you, and Johannes on the other. That way, you can avoid accidental touching," I said.

    "That means I''m riding with you and Dr. Minos?" Dimitri asked.

    "Yes. I''d have Johannes ride with us, but we couldn''t fit him and Dr. Minos," I stated.

    "Right, then. We might as well get this over with."

    "D?¨¦??om, can you tell the rocs our riding plan?" I thought.

    "I''m right on it," he replied.

    The rocs beat their wings, sending waves of wind forward. They took to the sky. One of them clutched Astrid, Joanna, and Johannes in its talons. Then, the other grabbed me, Dr. Minos, and Dimitri.

    Despite the size of their claws, we were packed in like sardines. Dr. Minos'' musty scent flowed into my nose as his fur brushed up against my face. Dimitri grabbed his own nose with one of his arms. The other limb was trapped between his body and the roc''s talons. He tried to wiggle it free, but Dr. Minos'' body was putting too much pressure on him.

    "Look on the bright side. We''re not getting impaled by Dr. Minos'' horns," I said.

    "A small consolation," Dimitri mumbled.

    There was a sudden rush of wind as the roc flew high into the air. Pressure mounted on my ears. I saw the ground get smaller below me. My eyes were pointed right at the vertigo-inducing sight.

    I closed them, but that just made things worse! Not being able to see the ground at all filled me with dread. The roc''s talons were the only things keeping me from falling to my death. I forced my eyes open as I clutched the talons harder.

    "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! This is fucking horrifying!" I thought.

    "Just stay calm, Gustav. You can make it through this," D?¨¦??om said.

    25 meters. 50 meters. 100 meters. 200 meters. I felt like I''d throw up.

    The rocs stopped ascending, keeping themselves level. I tried to turn my head to see how close we were to the dragon''s cave, but it wouldn''t move.

    It felt like hours passed as I gazed down. I put every bit of effort I could into hiding my fear. Thoughts of falling to my death filled my mind. Keeping my breath steady was a struggle.

    Then, I felt the rocs descend slightly. I saw the mountain under me. We got closer and closer to the cave. Then, the rocs put us down and landed in front of it. While I was certain they moved gracefully animals, I was too busy trying to force down vomit to notice.

    "Does anyone need a moment to recover from that?" I asked.

    "Yes. I need a few minutes," Dimitri answered.

    He collapsed. Dr. Minos caught him before he could hit the ground.

    "I''m okay," the boy gave a thumbs up.

    Johannes and Astrid stood, but I could tell they were shaken. Joanna stayed up. As for me, I leaned on the stone side of the mountain.

    "D?¨¦??om, how long were we in the air? It felt like hours," I thought.

    "Four minutes," he said.

    I suppressed a groan.

    "That whole fucking thing was just four minutes?"

    "Yes. Rocs are pretty fast," D?¨¦??om stated.

    I sighed.

    "Joanna, do you have any magic that can help us recover from that whole mess?" I asked.

    "No," she answered. "Just give everyone a few moments."

    I looked at Dimitri, who was trying to stand on shaky knees.

    "Looks like you were affected the most," I said.

    "Not at all!" he declared. "I''m doing perfectly fine, and..."

    Dimitri placed his hand to his mouth. He then ran over to the side of the ledge and hurled. The boy held up one hand, pointed a finger at the sky, and mumbled.

    "I''m doing almost perfectly fine!"

    He hurled again.

    "It''s okay, I''m at least 60% fine."

    "I can heal that," Joanna said.

    Her hands glowed. She walked over to Dimitri and placed them on his back. His body shuddered in relief.

    "Thank you," Dimitri stated. "I never got sick from flying before."

    "I''ve never flown like that before," I commented.

    "No one has. At least, I don''t think so."

    He gazed at the rocs. If I had to guess, I''d say he was wondering if these rocs carried people in their claws before.

    "We can talk about that later," I said.

    Then, I took a deep breath. My nerves stood on end. Fear poured into my body, and I struggled to push it down.

    "When everyone''s ready, we''re going into the dragon''s den. I''m not going to lie, our chances of survival are small. If anyone wants to back out now, then..."

    "We''re not backing out," Joanna stated.

    "I''ve spent years dueling people to the death. A single wrong move would have killed me. This is no different," Astrid said.

    "I never met a large dragon before. But I killed other large monsters," Johannes added.

    Dr. Minos gave me a thumbs up.

    "If we were going to leave, we''d have done it already," Dimitri stated. "Now, what insane plan do you have?"

    "Okay. Step 1: we leave our weapons here," I explained.

    Then, I held up my hands.

    "Before you can object to this, we all know we can''t beat the dragon. If it wants to kill us, we''re dead. Bringing in weapons might just piss it off."

    "That''s good logic. It''s like how most people shouldn''t try running from monsters. They aren''t fast enough to escape, and running will encourage the monster," Johannes said.

    Everyone put down their weapons after that.

    "Step 2: We walk into the dragon''s cave with our open hands displayed. We do everything in our power to let the dragon know we''re not a threat," I stated.

    "Then what?" Dimitri asked.

    "Then, we start talking to the dragon," I answered. "And hope it doesn''t decide to just kill us."

    My heart was beating like a drum played by a certain red puppet. Sweat poured down my brow.

    "Let''s go," Dimitri said. "We are people of courage and honor. To flee from a battle is worse than death for us."

    "For you, maybe," I thought.

    Dimitri stood between us and the cave mouth. He turned and made a grand gesture.

    "Should we succeed, we''ll have wealth, glory, and honor. Should we fail, we die. That''s no different than going into battle, and we will all face war sooner or later. We march to victory or death! We march to glory or failure! We march to do something no man or woman has ever done before! Now, let us ride forward as knights!" Dimitri declared.

    There was a moment of awkward silence. Astrid looked between Dimitri and I as though looking for orders. Dr. Minos scratched his head.

    "What is it?" Dimitri looked confused.

    "Lord Dimitri, I''m not a knight," Johannes said.

    "Neither am I," Astrid stated.

    "Oh...umm..." Dimitri whispered to me. "Gustav, you knighted Dr. Minos, right?"

    "No," I replied.

    Dimitri muttered under his breath, "There goes our morale."

    He then sighed. I could see sweat pouring down his brow. His hands shook.

    "Gustav, I was trying to hype myself up with that speech. Can you make one? I''m not sure if I''ll be able to go in there without a confidence boost," Dimitri admitted.

    "Okay, a speech," I nodded before speaking up. "Whatever happens, the flame of House Blitzburg and House Vladislav must not and will not be extinguished!"

    "That was pretty good," Joanna smiled.

    "I''m feeling more confident already," Dimitri said. "I''m ready to face the dragon."

    "Good," I forced a smile

    Then, I took a deep breath.

    "Let''s go."

    I turned and walked into the cave with my comrades following me. There was but a single thought in my head.

    "Thank you, de Gaulle. I''m glad I decided to memorize all your speeches."

 Chapter 23: Facing a Dragon

    The cave was dark, damp, and dim. We crawled at a snail''s pace. I felt my heart beat in my chest. Thump thump. Thump thump. It took everything I had to bite down my fear.

    As I kept walking, the cave got warmer. My terror increased. We were getting closer to the dragon.

    Then the cave widened. It turned into a grand cavern with a massive pile of gold, steel, silver, and all sorts of metals in the center.

    A massive, red-scaled creature sat on top of the pile. It was so big that it made elephants look like small convertible cars with their tops down. Its four legs were like redwood trunks. The thing''s wings made jumbo jet wings seem puny. I looked at its claws. Even greatswords couldn''t hope to match their size.

    There was a gash on its front right leg. Poisonous blood welled up on it, a pool of the liquid on the ground below.

    To call this dragon a monster was a mistake. This thing was a kaiju.

    The dragon raised its head. It turned it towards me. I was hit head-on by its hot breath. I felt like I was being roasted alive, and it hadn''t even breathed fire.

    Then, the dragon spoke with a voice as deep as the sea.

    ¡°Humans dare enter my lair?¡±

    Its serpentine eyes fixed on me.

    ¡°More fools who seek my treasure.¡±

    I was so scared I couldn''t even breathe. I struggled to push it down enough to talk.

    ¡°That¡¯s right, I seek your treasure,¡± I admitted. ¡°Because I can use that to help you get more treasure.¡±

    "Get more treasure?" the dragon seemed perplexed.

    "Yes! This is my chance!" I thought.

    I said, ¡°Yes! O¡¯ great dragon, with your wealth, honor, and strength, we can start the world¡¯s biggest insurance company!¡±

    The dragon gazed over me. It looked at the rest of my group. Then, the creature seemed to relax.

    "it is vewy good that you are not being here to hurt me or steal my tweasure," its voice suddenly became incredibly high-pitched. "It has being a while since I''ve had guests, ja. My mountain is not the most gooding to climb up, ja."

    "What the fuck?" I thought.

    "We''re truly honored to be your guests. I am Saint Gustav von Blitzburg, and these are my companions: Lord Dimitri, Lady Joanna, Dr. Minos, Astrid, and Joachim," I said.

    "It is vewy nice to meet you vewy fine folk. I am the great, powaful dragon, Cinnamon. I am being vewy popular with the ladies. My tweasure horde has been being rated in the top 5 of dragon hordes for 200 years running. Is vewy nice, ja," the dragon stated.

    Every single bit of fear I had vanished completely. The moment the dragon opened his mouth, he lost whatever intimidation factor he had.

    "Cinnamon, I noticed that you were injured. I could heal your wound," Joanna offered.

    "You should not be worrying about that. For a dragon as great and powaful as me, that is nothing, ja."

    Cinnamon then turned to an alcove on the cavern wall. He unleashed a blast of fire into it. Then, the dragon pulled out a roast cow and plopped it in front of us.

    "I should be providing food for my guests. Humans wike cooked food, wike us dragons. Is vewy nice," he said.

    Stepping over to the cow, I contemplated how the fuck I was supposed to eat it. I decided to just grab a chunk of the cow, use magic to increase my strength, and tear it off. Then, I bit into the flesh of the chunk. It tasted like burned meat.

    "This is very good," I stated. "You''re an incredible cook."

    "I am thanking you. That is vewy nice of you to say," Cinnamon replied.

    "We should get down to business. I came here to make you an offer," I said.

    Glancing at my companions, I saw that they had dumbfounded expressions on their faces. Dimitri opened his mouth, but no words came out. Even Johannes was frozen in shock.

    "It looks like I''m on my own for this," I thought.

    "You still have me," D?¨¦??om said.

    "Don''t dragons not give the faintest shit about what gods think?" I asked.

    "That''s right. They don''t," he answered.

    "Then it looks like I''m mostly on my own for this," I thought.

    D?¨¦??om chuckled. I did the same internally

    "So, what advice do you have?" I questioned.

    "I''d say that you should remember that large dragons think of humans the way you think of mice, but it looks like you found an exception. You should probably emphasize how working with humans could benefit him."

    "Ah, yes, I''d wove to hear your offer. Be sitting on the wock there," Cinnamon said.

    He pointed to a rock. I took a seat, trying to look as dignified as I could.

    "What is your offer being?" Cinnamon asked.

    "You''ll be one of the top executives of an insurance company serving merchants," I answered.

    "What''s insuwance?"

    "People periodically give you money. Then, if part of their property is destroyed, you pay to have it fixed or replaced. If you have enough people giving you money, you''ll get more gold than you have to pay. In this case, the property is the contents of a merchant caravan," I explained.

    Stolen novel; please report.

    "That is a vewy intewesting offer, but human mewchant caravans get destroyed all the time," Cinnamon pointed out.

    "An astute observation," I said. "That''s where the second part of my plan comes in. You''ll travel with a merchant caravan and act as a bodyguard. I''m certain most monsters will run from a great and powerful dragon like you. And if something does attack the caravan, it won''t stand a chance against you."

    The dragon pondered that for a moment.

    "That is a vewy good idea, but I have to stay near my horde. Someone might be trying to steal my tweasure," he stated.

    "D?¨¦??om, help me out here," I thought.

    "The Raven Knights run a banking system. It''s a lot like what the Knights Templar did except the Raven Knights don''t just hold money for pilgrims," the god said.

    "They''re risking suffering the same fate as the templars, but I doubt any king would mess with an organization that holds Cinnamon''s money," I thought before speaking. "That is where the marvel of human ingenuity comes in, great and powerful dragon. We humans have an organization called the Raven Knights. They serve the gods and protect our wealth. I understand that gods mean very little to you dragons, but they mean everything to us humans."

    The dragon nodded.

    "I have been hearing of the Raven Knights. They are being very honorable religious folks. I know I can twust them, ja," Cinnamon said.

    "I''d recommend dividing your horde into different Raven Knight chapter houses when you have them store it for you. That way, if something happens to one house, the rest of your horde will be fine," I replied.

    "And how long would it be taking them to get my horde back to me. I am needing to be ready for mating season."

    I pondered a moment.

    "How long is it until the next mating season?" I asked.

    "Last mating season just ended, so it is being 10 years," Cinnamon answered.

    "As long as you start getting it back within a year or two of mating season, you should be fine," I said.

    "It looks like I''ll have to make some adjustments to my plans. If the dragons have their mating season every 10 years, that''s a year when they won''t be able to guard merchant caravans," I thought.

    "Oh, that is being very good," Cinnamon stated.

    I then gave him a wide smile.

    "And this is your chance to see many wonderful things. You''re already able to talk to people enough to buy livestock. Imagine how much easier that will be if you''re being paid to protect humans. Just think of going to the Holy See, the most beautiful city in the world, and talking to people about the city''s history. You could also go watch a play, a type of human entertainment. And that''s to say nothing of all the things you could buy," I said.

    Excitement flashed over Cinnamon''s face.

    "Oh, ja, you humans are making vewy nice things. I am wanting to get lots of them," he grinned.

    Then, Cinnamon''s smile faded. Apprehension came over his body. I tensed up. What was going on? Did Cinnamon think I was trying to trick him?

    "I am admitting that your offer is vewy good, Saint Gustav. But I have been having business wentures before, and they all failed. How am I knowing that this one will work?" Cinnamon asked.

    "The law of supply and demand," I answered.

    "There''s a law saying I should be demanding supplies?"

    I thought a moment. How could I explain this to a dragon? No one in this world has a concept of laws outside of the legal sense, and he isn''t even a human.

    "It''s not a legal rule but a pattern," I explained. "This pattern is so common that it might as well be mandated by law."

    "What is that law being?" Cinnamon said.

    "The more people want something, the less of it there is. And the less people want something, the more of it there is. Caravan guards get paid a lot of money because there aren''t many of them, and none of them are willing to travel too far. And since you''re a dragon, you''re able to do their job better than any of the guards can," I stated.

    Then, I gave him another smile.

    "And the rarer something is, the more valuable it is. You can provide a service that''ll be in high demand and that no one else is providing."

    "Oh, so things being wawer makes people want them more?" Cinnamon asked.

    "Yes," I answered.

    "That is explaining why my last business wenture didn''t go so well," the dragon said.

    "What was it?"

    "I was selling cow manure by the side of the woad."

    It took every last ounce of self-control in my body to suppress a facepalm.

    "Why did you try selling cow shit?" I questioned.

    "I was being bored and decided selling things like humans do might being fun," Cinnamon stated.

    "That wasn''t even remotely what I was asking," I thought before speaking. "So, are you going to accept my offer?"

    The dragon pondered for a moment before speaking.

    "I am going to be trying it out. If things go well, I will be all-in on this."

    Yes! Yes! Yeeeeesss! This was going so perfectly! Cinnamon would become one of the heads of the insurance company, and..."

    D?¨¦??om''s voice interrupted my thoughts.

    "Gustav, we''ve got trouble," he said.

    "What is it?" I asked.

    "Armies from Greenrivers, Vandalland, and Weltai are converging on the same location. It looks like there''ll be war."

    Sweat poured down my brow. My body heated up. My hands and feet shook.

    "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Why is Weltai even involved? They don''t have any disputes with Vandalland or Greenrivers!"

    "The Lost Treasure of Captain Omen was found. It''s in disputed lands between Vandalland and Greenrivers. Dalv probably wants to claim it too."

    "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I shouted.

    "You need to get over there now. This is a mission from me. I know you''ll go there anyway, but it''s important that you''re doing it on my behalf."

    I stood up and bashed my head against the cave wall. Sharp pain flashed through my face, and blood trickled down my forehead. I ignored it. Sheer heart-pounding terror overtook my body.

    "Why are you being upset?" Cinnamon asked.

    Sheer confusion covered his face.

    "We''re all fucked!" I answered.

    Everyone else broke out of their stupor.

    "Gustav, what''s going on?" Joanna questioned.

    "D?¨¦??om contacted me. The Lost Treasure of Captain Omen was found, and Greenrivers, Vandalland, and Weltai are going to fight over it!"

    "That''s horrible news," Dimitri said. "We''ll be at war with each other."

    I shook with fear.

    "Dimitri, that''s not what I''m worried about. If anyone gets the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen, we''re all fucked!" I stated.

    "It is being a big treasure. You humans should be wanting it. You could get lots of ladies, ja," Cinnamon replied.

    "We''ll have more to worry about than getting laid if anyone gets that treasure! All the gold in the world will become worthless to us humans! It''ll destroy the economy!" I declared.

    "How would more gold destroy the economy? Wouldn''t it just make things better?" Dimitri questioned.

    "There''s no time to explain! I need to stop this war, fast!" I said before thinking. "D?¨¦??om, how long would it take me to get to the battlefield?"

    "If you fly on Cinnamon, only taking breaks to get water, you''ll get there in 3 days. That''ll be just in time."

    I took a deep breath in a desperate attempt to calm myself.

    "Cinnamon! We''re fucked if I don''t stop this war! Please! Please! Please fly me to the battlefield! D?¨¦??om can give us directions," I said.

    The dragon replied, "I am not knowing about that. Flying you humans around is not for great, powaful dragons like me. It''s for the little manure-headed runts."

    "Listen, you want to buy stuff we humans make, right?" I asked.

    "I am wanting to do that," Cinnamon answered.

    "Right now, you could buy all sorts of things by spending a little bit of your horde. If the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen circulates into the economy, you''ll have to spend your entire horde to buy just one thing."

    The dragon''s eyes widened in shock.

    "Okay, I will be flying you, Saint Gustav. I weally hope you can be stopping this war," Cinnamon said.

    I jumped on his back as fast as I could. Cinnamon ran out of the cave. Then, when we passed the rocs, his massive wings beat. A storm of wind blasted around him as we took to the skies.

    "Go Southeast," D?¨¦??om directed.

    I relayed his words. Cinnamon flew Southeast.

    And that''s how the most painful flight of my life started. Three days of riding on a dragon''s back, only stopping to get water. I started to realize why people used platforms and never rode dragons bareback. Their scales chaffed my skin like hell, even through my clothes, and there was no wind protection. I wasn''t able to get even a moment''s sleep. And, worse still was my constant conversation with Cinnamon.

    "Are we being there yet?" he asked.

    "No," I answered.

    "Are we being there yet?" he asked.

    "No," I answered.

    "Are we being there yet?" he asked.

    "No," I answered.

    This went on for the entire flight.

 Chapter 24: That Time I Rode a Dragon to a Battlefield

    King Eduard and Queen Eleanor sat on their horses. Their army stood in formation behind them. They were camped on the hill where the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen was buried. The royal couples'' faces were grim.

    The king surveyed the surrounding area. It was a patchwork of farmland with a forest to one side. In the distance, an army of Vandalland stood in formation on another hill. There was another force too. They were a group of cavalry from Weltai.

    "We arrived first, but we didn''t have enough time to get in formation," Eleanor noted.

    "And Dalv Sepet is here too," King Eduard said. "He hasn''t made an aggressive move in years. Was he tempted by the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen?"

    "This will undo years of careful diplomacy," the queen stated.

    "Worse still, it could anger the gods. Dalv might have no claim to the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen, but he''s..." King Eduard shook his head.

    He grimaced.

    "We can''t back down here. This treasure''s too valuable. It could pay off all our war debts and then some. We''ll wait here for the enemy to attack."

    "I could go as a diplomatic envoy," Eleanor suggested.

    "Do that, but only after we get reinforcements. They can start building a fort here. If the enemy delays attacking, it will only benefit us," King Eduard said.

    On the hill across from them, Hildoara looked on with concern. She hid it as best as she could; however, Duke Carini noticed. He rode over to her and spoke in a whisper.

    "Worried, Your Majesty?" he asked.

    "Yes. We outnumber King Eduard, but he has the high ground. We need to take that hill to get the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen. Do you think we could lure King Eduard off that hill?" she answered.

    "I hope Gustav doesn''t get drawn into this war. I owe him a lot, and I don''t want him to be my enemy. But as a queen, Vandalland comes before my personal feelings," she thought.

    "I''m afraid not. King Eduard is an experienced commander, and he is especially good at fighting defensive wars. He won''t fall for any tricks we pull," Duke Carini said.

    Hildoara looked to the cavalry force.

    "Honestly, I''m just as afraid of Voivode Sepet''s men as I am of King Eduard''s. There are only 50 of them, but Voivode Sepet has the most experience of everyone here. If he has a small number of men, it''s because he knows they can win," she stated. "What do you think we should do?"

    "King Eduard''s knights outnumber ours, so he has the spellcasting advantage. Spreading our line to take the most advantage of our numbers risks them being broken by a cavalry charge. Grouping up our infantry risks them being annihilated by area-of-effect spells, but it''ll also make them more resistant to cavalry and archers. It''s our best hope."

    "We''ll have to risk it, but we need to deal with Dalv first," Hildoara said.

    Voivode Dalv Sepet drank a glass of red liquid. His knights were behind him. Unlike the other armies, they weren''t in formation. There were several large white tents behind them but not a full camp. Dalv gazed at the skies above.

    "Where are you, Saint Gustav?" he muttered.

    "I see with my hawk-like eyes, something that is yellow," a knight stated.

    "Is it wheat?" one of his comrades asked.

    "That''s right! Now, it''s your turn."

    "Hmm...I see with my hawk-like eyes, something that is red."

    "Is it my drink?" Dalv questioned.

    "Right, you are, your Majesty! It''s your turn now!"

    The Voivode kept his gaze on the sky. He waited another moment. Then, a smile crossed his face.

    "I see with my hawk-like eyes, something that has scales," Dalv said.

    "Scales, you say?" a knight wondered.

    They turned their heads to the sky. Their eyes fixed on a massive figure coming right at the battlefield.

    "Oh, a dragon. That''s what you see, right?" the knight questioned.

    "Yes," Dalv nodded. "The dragon we''ve been waiting for. It looks like our game has come to an end."

    As the dragon got closer, a massive shadow passed over the area. All eyes gazed upward.

    Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

    "By the gods, that''s the biggest dragon I''ve ever seen!" fear blasted through Hildoara.

    "It''s...a wild dragon. If it wants to kill us, we''re all dead," Duke Carini shivered.

    Their men started panicking. The soldiers on Eduard''s side weren''t fairing any better.

    "We''ll need to withdraw. No amount of gold is worth fighting a dragon that big," Eduard said.

    He pulled out his war horn to signal a retreat; however, the king''s hands fumbled. The instrument fell to the ground.

    Wind rushed at my side, pulling back my lips. They flapped all over the place. The bags under the bags of my eyes had bags under them. I couldn''t feel my legs. My skin was chaffed to hell. And I felt like I could collapse from exhaustion at any moment. In short, I felt like shit.

    "Listen, Gustav, there are a few words you need to say when you land," D?¨¦??om''s voice entered my head.

    "What are they?" I asked.

    "I am not here as a Lord of Greenrivers. I am here as a Saint of D?¨¦??om. If you say that, it''ll let everyone know that you''re here on my orders. Even kings won''t fuck with a saint who''s doing a god''s work," he said.

    "I''ll do that," I replied.

    "Are we being there yet?" Cinnamon asked.

    "Yes. Land now," I answered.

    The dragon moved to the ground at incredible speed. It took every ounce of magical strength I had to not fly off Cinnamon with the sudden descent. I saw the wind from his wingbeats scatter crops.

    "I''ll have to compensate the farmers for this later," I thought.

    A massive jolt ran through my body as Cinnamon landed. I was flung into the air and crashed on the dragon. A flash of pain pulsed through me. Then, utter silence.

    I looked around. Cinnamon''s body was so big that it blocked my line of sight.

    "Dammit all. I can''t see anything from here."

    Then, my eyes fixed on Cinnamon''s head.

    "Fuck. I''ll have to climb up there."

    I pulled myself forward, crawling over Cinnamon''s back. Every motion made me want to collapse from exhaustion. My arms felt like they''d fall off. My body moved to Cinnamon''s neck, and I made the tedious climb up.

    It took ten agonizing minutes to make it to his head. I tried to stand and stumbled down. I just barely caught my feet before I could fall off Cinnamon. With my knees shaking, I surveyed the area. Three armies stood in the distance. There was no way my voice could reach them from here. I wondered if they could even see me.

    "Cinnamon, could you tell them that I''m here? And use your intimidating voice," I said.

    "I will be doing that," the dragon nodded.

    His voice grew deeper, "Armies of Greenrivers, Vandalland, and Weltai, I carry Saint Gustav with me!"

    "Tell the leaders to come over," I added.

    "He would speak with the leaders! Come now, lest you defy the gods!"

    Someone from the Weltai army rode forward right away. He stopped in front of Cinnamon. A few moments of silence passed. Then, someone from the Vandalland army approached me. Two riders came from the Greenrivers army last. Within a few moments, their shapes came into view. They were close enough that I could see their heraldry. My eyes turned to the first of them.

    "Dalv Sepet of Weltai. He''s ruthless and known for impaling people. But he also keeps his people safe from monsters, criminals, corrupt nobles, and other nations. He''s especially harsh on corrupt nobles. He reminds me of a certain Wallachian from my world''s history. His people are lucky to have someone like him, but you can''t rely on any monarch."

    I looked at the second rider.

    "The last time I saw Hildoara, she was a child and a princess. Now, she''s a queen. She might have used my advice to overthrow her father, but I doubt she''ll be grateful for it. That''s just the way monarchs are. They think people should do what they say because they''re kings, and that''s that. She''s also the least experienced monarch here. I hope she''s doing alright. I can''t imagine what being a teenage queen is like in a world where the other kings and queens are hundreds of years old."

    Then, I gazed upon the last pair of riders. Nervousness would have flowed through me, but I was too tired to feel anything other than pain.

    "King Eduard and Queen Eleanor of Greenrivers. Eduard''s my family''s direct feudal superior. If I mess this up, we''re all in trouble. By the modern standards of my own world, Eduard''s a villain, a warmongering tyrant who attacks the weak. By the standards of this world, Eduard''s a hero, a warrior king who brings glory to his kingdom by doing whatever he can to ensure victory. Queen Eleanor is cunning and ruthless too. She and Eduard are one of the biggest power couples I''ve ever heard of. Between the four leaders here, they''re the biggest threat to me."

    The monarchs arrived. They stood before Cinnamon. I was too high on the dragon to see their faces. I felt a tension so thick that you could cut it with a knife.

    "I have no idea what they''re feeling," I thought.

    King Eduard turned his head towards me.

    "I have many questions, Lord Gustav. Chief among them is why you think you have the right to interrupt my battle and demand that I speak to you."

    Somehow, he was able to shout to me without sounding weak.

    Taking a deep breath, I called out, "I am not here as a Lord of Greenrivers. I am here as a Saint of D?¨¦??om."

    There was a moment of silence. The monarchs, except for Dalv, broke it. Eduard broke it.

    "Well, that answers my question. You absolutely have the right to interrupt my battle and demand that I speak to you," he said. "Let no one say that I am unfaithful to the gods, especially my kingdom''s patron god. Now, tell us what D?¨¦??om sent you here for."

    I then grabbed onto Cinnamon''s neck and started climbing down. It was much easier than climbing up, and I made good progress. Not wanting to waste any time, I talked as I descended.

    "I''m here to make sure no one claims the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen," I stated.

    "Is it cursed?" Eduard questioned.

    "It''s even worse. It''ll cause hyperinflation."

    As I climbed down the lower half of Cinnamon''s legs, I tumbled off and crashed into the ground. I forced myself up as fast as I could. My body stumbled around. Bits of blood flecked the dirt below from where the dragon''s scales rubbed against the bare skin of my hands.

    Hildoara rode to me. Concern was plain on her face.

    "Are you alright?" she asked.

    "You don''t need to worry about me. I just flew almost nonstop for three days straight without sleep. I was tasked by D?¨¦??om to come here as soon as possible, and I did as he commanded," I answered.

    King Eduard and Queen Eleanor rode over to me. Fear pulsed through my body. What were they going to do?

    "Do you need a few moments to rest?" Eduard wondered. "You are here on business from a god, so we''d be happy to make accommodations."

    "If I wasn''t so fucking tired, I''d be so fucking glad that Eduard is so fucking devout," I thought.

    I took a bow, almost falling asleep as my body leaned over.

    "I am grateful for your concern, Your Majesty, but I do not intend to waste your time. Nor will I waste the time of the other monarchs here," I did my best to sound as formal as possible.

    Hildoara rode over. Concern was plastered on her face.

    "It''s alright with me, Saint Gustav. You clearly have something important to say, and I''d rather you not say it tired," she said.

    "That just leaves one of us," Eleanor turned to Dalv.

    The Voivode didn''t bother to ride over. Instead, he shrugged.

    "You don''t need to ask me. I am not here as the Voivode of Weltai," he stated. "I am here as a Saint of Krewh."

 Chapter 25: Explaining Hyperinflation

    I stood before four monarchs: Voivode Dalv Sepet of Weltai, Queen Hildoara of Vandalland, and King Eduard the Defenestrator and Queen Eleanor of Greenrivers. Normally, I''d be so nervous that I''d be shaking all over.

    But I was so tired from my 3-day long dragon ride that I didn''t even feel pain from my bleeding hands. The ground under me had a pool of blood on it. Voivode Dalv kept gazing at the red liquid and quickly looking away.

    Queen Eleanor walked over, and her hands glowed. She placed them on mine. My wounds healed instantly. The woman walked back to her husband''s side. Voivode Dalv Sepet rode back to his men''s camp and came back with an elixir.

    "It''ll keep you awake for a little longer," he said.

    His face was one of utter calmness.

    "Thanks," I replied.

    I took the elixir and drank it. The drink tasted like a mixture of apple and grape juice. My tiredness dissipated just a little bit. Then, the gravity of the situation hit me like a nuclear bomb.

    "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I''M IN FRONT OF FOUR MONARCHS! ONE OF THEM''S MY FAMILY''S LIEGE LORD! ANOTHER''S HIS WIFE!" I thought.

    "Gustav, you''ve got to stop freaking out like this. You''re my saint. You''ll make me look bad. More importantly, you''ll make your family look bad," D?¨¦??om said.

    "You''re right, you''re right, but fuck!"

    "Think about it this way. This is less dangerous than starring down a dragon."

    I glanced at Cinnamon, remembering what I felt when I first met him.

    "That''s...a very good point."

    I took a deep breath. Then, I clenched every muscle in my body to stop myself from shaking. After that, I stood with as much dignity as I could. While I was still tired, I had enough control to do this.

    "Are you more awake now, Saint Gustav?" Eduard asked.

    I''d calmed down as much as I could by that point. My nervousness was almost completely gone.

    "Yes, your majesty," I gave him a bow. "First, this humble servant of D?¨¦??om would like to thank all four of you for talking to me. It is truly an honor to speak to you."

    "D?¨¦??om, if you are listening to this, know that the people of Greenrivers are as devoted to you as ever," my king said.

    "I know," D?¨¦??om stated.

    "He knows," I relayed his reply.

    "Good," Eduard nodded. "Let''s not waste any more time. You said that you were here to make sure no one claimed the treasure?"

    "Yes, Your Majesty. The Lost Treasure of Captain Omen is too dangerous to ever be claimed."

    "And you said it wasn''t cursed?" Eleanor questioned.

    I nodded with grimness.

    "That''s right, Your Majesty. I''m afraid it''s even worse than that."

    "It is a dragon''s treasure horde?" concern crossed her face.

    "Even worse," I said.

    "Will claiming it summon an evil spirit?" Eduard wondered.

    I shook my head.

    "Even worse," I stated.

    "Will it call down the wrath of the gods?"

    "Not that bad, but close."

    "Will it cause anyone who claims it to go mad?" Hildoara asked.

    "Worse than that," I answered.

    "We''ve wasted too much time on this. Tell us what will happen, Saint Gustav," Eduard said.

    "It''ll cause hyperinflation."

    "By the gods, our bodies will get bigger until we explode," Hildoara stated.

    "It''s not that," I assured her. "It''s an economic problem."

    Inflation is mostly a problem in societies with paper money. Hyperinflation in particular is typically caused by governments printing too much cash. There are other causes for inflation like shocks to supply chains.

    However, inflation can be a problem in societies that use precious metals as currency. It happened in Ancient Rome when Roman emperors reduced the amount of silver they put in currency so they could make more coins. The Spanish suffered hyperinflation when the Conquistadors were too successful in getting gold from the Americas.

    I doubted hyperinflation ever happened in my new world. We use precious metals as currency. Monarchs are also rarely in deep enough debt that they''d consider using less metal in coins to make more money. Voivode Dalv doesn''t go to war unless it''s defensive. All of King Eduard''s non-defensive wars are against people who stand no chance against him. Motteburh nobles have other ways of getting wealth. And Vandalland''s wars never built up massive debt. Dragons building up hordes also counteracts inflation from mining as well as adventures finding treasure. Trade being limited meant that there were few supply chains to be shocked.

    "This is going to take some explaining," I said. "First, the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen has a lot of gold in it, right? I heard it was 10 times more gold than all the nations in our continent combined."

    "The stories downplayed the amount. It''s far more than that," Hildoara replied.

    "Fuck!" I thought.

    I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts.

    "Alright, I have a question: does anyone know why gold is valuable?" I asked.

    "Because it looks good," Eleanor answered.

    I nodded.

    "That is part of it, but silver also looks good. And yet, silver miliarense are less valuable than gold hyperpya. Why is the silver coin worth less than the gold coin?"

    "Because some king decided it would be that way, and no one since changed it," Eduard said.

    A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

    I thought for a moment, trying to find a way to say my next words without contradicting my king. Then, I had an idea.

    "That might very well be the case, Your Majesty. I''d go so far as to say that it''s most likely the case. But kings rarely do things without reason. Why did that king decide that gold coins are more valuable than silver coins?" I questioned.

    No one said anything. Their faces showed deep contemplation.

    "Now, we''re getting somewhere," I thought. "I know exactly what to do now."

    I reached down and picked up a chunk of dirt. Then, I handed it to King Eduard.

    "Your Majesty, would you like to buy this dirt?" I asked.

    A mixture of confusion and disgust crossed his face.

    "No," he answered.

    "And why not?"

    "Because it''s dirt. I have no use for it."

    King Eduard the Defenestrator looked like he thought I had lost my mind.

    "I understand, Your Majesty," I said. "But what would you pay for this dirt if you decided you needed dirt?"

    "I wouldn''t pay anything. I can just send a servant to pick up dirt," King Eduard replied.

    "And why would you send a servant rather than pay for the dirt I''m holding right here?"

    "Because I won''t have to pay the servant extra for it."

    "That''s a pretty good point," I admitted. "That example fell flat on its face."

    I paced around, trying to find another good way to explain it. The monarchs watched me. King Eduard tapped his feet with impatience. Queen Eleanor''s face was covered with eager anticipation. Queen Hildoara looked between me and the other monarchs. Voivode Dalv Sepet was playing on a crystal ball. Then, I had another idea.

    "Let''s say that you were going to buy a sword. You have two choices of sword: a sword from Greenrivers or a sword from the Far East. Neither sword is superior to the other. Which one would you pay more for?" I questioned.

    "The Far East sword," King Eduard said.

    "And why is that?" I asked.

    "Because everyone with a sword has one from Greenrivers. No one has a sword from the Far East."

    I grinned ear to ear.

    "Exactly," I said. "All else being equal, you would pay for the sword that''s more rare."

    "The point being?" King Eduard wondered.

    "Which is rarer, gold or silver?" I questioned.

    "Gold, of..."

    A massive "Oh, shit'' look crossed King Eduard, Queen Eleanor, and Queen Hildoara''s faces. They looked at each other with increasing fear in their eyes. Then, the monarchs turned to me.

    "Are you saying that gold is valuable because it''s rare?" Queen Eleanor questioned.

    It was a no-brainer question in my old world. Here, I doubt anyone even considered why gold was valuable beyond looks. If I had to theorize, I''d say that King Eduard was just guessing when he said some king decided that gold was valuable.

    "That is exactly what I''m saying, Your Majesty. If gold were as common as copper, it would not be anywhere near as valuable," I said. "And what do you think will happen if a massive amount of new gold is suddenly put in the economy? Perhaps more gold than the entire continent has? Say, gold from a legendary treasure?"

    King Eduard, Queen Eleanor, and Hildoara turned pale with fear. I froze with shock, not expecting the monarchs to let any weakness show.

    "They''re taking this worse than I thought they would."

    Then, my eyes felt heavy. My movements slowed. A weight crashed through my body.

    "Dammit, the potion''s wearing off!" I thought.

    "By the gods, gold would lose all value," Hildoara said.

    She trembled. King Eduard shared a look with his wife. They whispered a few words to each other and cringed.

    "It would destroy our entire currency system. I don''t even want to think about what that would do to the economy," King Eduard stated.

    "What economy?" I asked. "There''ll barely be one left if you claim the treasure."

    "No one must ever claim the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen!" Queen Eleanor declared.

    "We''ll have to build a castle around it and put guards we can trust around it, make sure not a soul will get inside," King Eduard said.

    "I''ll help build the castle and send guards over. This is disputed land, so Vandalland has as much responsibility to keep people from getting the gold as Greenrivers does," Hildoara promised.

    Voivode Dalv Sepet put his crystal ball away and rode over. His expression hadn''t changed this whole time.

    "It''s as if he knows about inflation. He''s a saint like I am, so maybe he''s from another world too?" I thought.

    "He is. He also has the godslayer ability, just like you," D?¨¦??om confirmed.

    Shock blasted through my body. Dalv had the godslayer ability? Holy fuck!

    "Why the fuck didn''t you tell me this sooner?"

    "Why would I?" the god questioned. "You didn''t ask."

    "Fuck, that''s a good point," I thought.

    My eyes turned to the Voivode.

    "I''d rather keep my men in Weltai due to difficulties with troublesome boyars, but this is an issue that will affect Weltai too. I will send funds and supplies," Voivode Dalv said. "I''ll get some paper so we can make an official agreement."

    He rode to his camp. Queen Hildoara turned to me. She breathed a sigh of relief.

    "Thank D?¨¦??om you came when you did. Otherwise, we''d have started a war over whose economy got destroyed first," Queen Hildoara said.

    I bowed.

    "Think nothing of it, your Majesty. I am merely obeying D?¨¦??om''s commands," I stated.

    "Okay, you''re being way too humble!" D?¨¦??om said.

    "Do I look like an asskisser?" I thought.

    I put my hand to my chin and pondered.

    "You still deserve some credit. Large dragons don''t care about the will of the gods, but you flew here on one," Queen Eleanor stated.

    "It''s not ass-kissing. I just want my saints to have a bit of edge to them. Not too much to insult the monarchs, but a little bit," D?¨¦??om said.

    My face furrowed in concentration. I almost fell asleep where I stood, but I jolted awake.

    "And the gods don''t pick their saints randomly. They always chose humans with potential, potential that you''ve demonstrated," Queen Eleanor told me.

    "Do I look like an edgelord?" I asked.

    The monarchs looked at me with sudden surprise.

    "I don''t know what an edgelord is," Eleanor answered.

    "You''re right, D?¨¦??om. I need to be more edgy. Should I dress up in black?" I thought.

    Somehow, I heard D?¨¦??om bashing his head against some hard object. He groaned.

    "Please tell me you''re just fucking with me or you''re too tired to think straight because that isn''t even remotely what I meant!" D?¨¦??om replied.

    My eyes moved between the monarchs.

    "Your majesties, how many chains and black clothing would I need to look like an edgelord?" I questioned.

    "A...what?" Queen Eleanor said.

    With a smile, I pointed one of my fingers at the sky.

    "D?¨¦??om said I should become an edgelord," I stated.

    "I said no such thing!" D?¨¦??om objected.

    The monarchs looked like they saw someone trying to argue that the sky was purple.

    "I''ve never heard of that title before," King Eduard the Defenestrator said. "But if you want a reward for saving the economy, I could get you it."

    I knelt before him. Once more, I almost fell asleep, but I somehow managed to stay awake.

    "My sincerest apologies, your Majesty, but no king can grant me the title of edgelord. It can only be given by angry people on crystal balls," I said.

    King Eduard looked like his brain broke. He rubbed his hand over his forehead, pushing his hair back. Then, he turned to Queen Hildoara.

    "Is edgelord a Vandalland title?" King Eduard asked.

    "I''ve never heard of it before either. Maybe it''s from Weltai?" she suggested.

    They waited in silence for Voivode Dalv Sepet to return.

    "Look what you''ve done now," D?¨¦??om sighed.

    Soon enough, the Voivode came back. He had a few riders with him. They carried papers, quills, bottles of ink, and even a small table. Voivode Dalv had the same expression he had this whole time.

    "Voivode Dalv, do you have the faintest idea what an edgelord is?" King Eduard questioned.

    "No. It sounds like something you''d get from being a great swordsman," the Voivode pondered.

    King Eduard shook his head.

    "You get it by dressing up in black and wearing chains," he said.

    "It can''t be granted by kings either. Apparently, only angry people on crystal balls can make people edgelords," Queen Eleanor added.

    Voivode Dalv Sepet''s expression changed to one of utter confusion.

    "What kind of lunatic would even make a title like that?" he wondered.

    The king, queens, and voivode started trying to figure out what the fuck I was talking about.

    "D?¨¦??om, the monarchs are completely confused, right?" I thought.

    "Yeah, they are," he replied.

    "And you''re confused too?"

    "Yes, I am."

    "Vive la France!"

    D?¨¦??om breathed a sigh of relief.

    "Oh, good. You were just trolling us," he said.

    "I''m still so tired that I can''t feel my anything," I thought.

    We were interrupted from...whatever the fuck I was doing by a great sound. It was heavy metal rock music.

    "Oh, good. Some rock star''s been reincarnated here," I said, forgetting to hide my thoughts.

    Voivode Dalv looked at me with realization in his eyes.

    "Saint Gustav''s so tired that he''s delusional. He probably dreamed up the edgelord title," he said. "Now, let''s forget we ever had this conversation."

    "Yes. We have a much more pressing issue to deal with," King Eduard agreed.

    "I''ve already forgotten about it," Queen Hildoara stated.

    I collapsed on the ground, tiredness overtaking me.

    "Yes, treaty time," I said.

    "That''s not the issue, I''m afraid," Voivode Dalv replied. "That music is the war song of King Doomhell, leader of the largest faction of orcs."

    "If they''re here, it can only mean battle," King Eduard stated. "We''ll have to join forces if we want to survive."

    "None of us have a full army here. We''ll be outnumbered by at least 10 to 1," Eleanor said.

    "Oh...ummm...horrible...neat...scared...emotion...I''m gonna see an...badass...battle...orc...elephant...something," I muttered.

    I fell right asleep.

 Chapter 26: A Discussion with Drac

    I jolted awake, stumbling up.

    "Orcs, army...umm," I said.

    Turning my head around, I saw that I was inside a large tent. It was the sort of thing a noble would stay in during military campaigns. I felt a cot under me. Then, I saw Voivode Dalv Sepet sitting on a chair next to me.

    I wasn''t acting as a saint anymore, so I quickly got off the cot and knelt.

    "Rise," Voivode Dalv said.

    I stood up. Voivode Dalv did the same. He towered over me, at least three heads taller. Nervousness flowed through me.

    "You were asleep for a few hours," he noted.

    "How did the battle go?" I asked.

    "There was no battle," Voivode Dalv answered. "The moment the orcs saw the dragon you brought here, they ran for it. Even Krewh didn''t know the orcs would show up here."

    I stayed in position.

    "Come now, there''s no need to be so formal. We''re both saints here. Just relax. I came here to talk to you, and I hope there won''t be any tension between us," Voivode Dalv said.

    Relief flowed through my body. I sat on the cot again, relaxation flowing through my body. Still, a part of me felt apprehension. He was a Voivode. As for me, I didn''t even have a noble title other than lord.

    "Where are the other monarchs?" I asked.

    "Negotiating, planning, that sort of thing. I''m just sending them supplies, so I don''t need to be here. Besides, like I said, I''m here to talk to you," Dalv answered. "First, I have a question: who were you before you arrived here. Krewh told me your name, but you are long after my time in our old world."

    My eyes widened in shock.

    "You''re from my world?" I questioned.

    "But of course. All the reincarnated saints are from our world. Our new gods have agreements with Jesus and certain Hindu gods. In fact, Jesus is the one who suggested I reincarnate here," Dalv said.

    Then, he sat down. The Voivode put one of his arms over the back of his chair.

    "So, who were you before you reincarnated?"

    "I was a random accountant, sort of like a steward. I was a normal person. I wasn''t anyone important," I explained.

    Dalv''s expression turned to one of contemplation.

    "All the reincarnated saints have been at least somewhat important so far," he said. "Though, they were selected because they had godslayer. I suppose it was only a matter of time before a commoner joined our ranks."

    "If you don''t mind, could you tell me who you were?" I asked.

    A wide smile crossed Dalv''s face.

    "I was a Voivode, like in my current life. The Turks feared me. My people loved me. Though I am a vampire now, I was an enemy of the strigoi in my last life."

    That was when I realized what Dalv Sepet spelled backward was.

    "Were you reincarnated into a family, or did you pick your own name?" I questioned.

    "Back then, people in Weltai chose their own names. So many people died young that people weren''t named until they turned six," he said.

    "Did you ever consider going with Alucard?" I asked.

    Dalv shrugged.

    "I somewhat did. I used the name Alcuard when I went into hiding," he answered.

    Yup, that fucking confirmed it.

    "Thankfully, I''m not the sort of person to fall for propaganda," I said. "I know what you were really like, Drac."

    Dalv''s eyes widened in shock.

    "Drac?" he questioned.

    Fear pulsed through me. I waved my hands defensively.

    "Short for Dracula! I apologize if you don''t like it!" I said.

    Dalv gave me a reassuring smile.

    "You don''t need to worry, Gustav. I find it...interesting," he stated. "Now, let''s move on to the next item on our agenda."

    The Voivode stood up. He moved the chair, revealing a magic circle behind it.

    "I''m perhaps the only noble that cannot use magic. My vampirism makes up for that. But you can. I need you to summon Krewh and D?¨¦??om," Dalv said.

    I stood up. Shock overcame my body. Everything shook.

    "You can summon gods?" I asked.

    "Unless they''re a weak nature spirit, you can with their consent. Otherwise, you can summon them freely. Krewh and D?¨¦??om are several worlds away. They need a connection to arrive here in time for our meeting," Dalv answered.

    "Go ahead and summon us," D?¨¦??om said.

    I walked over to the summoning circle. Then, I placed my hand on it. Power flowed out of my body, filling the magic construct. A blood-red portal appeared above it. D?¨¦??om stepped out first. His presence made me relax even more. A short man with glasses followed him. He was dressed like an 1800s-era doctor.

    "It''s nice to meet you, Saint Gustav. I am Krewh, the blood god," he stated.

    "Alright, now that we''re all here," D?¨¦??om sighed. "Just what the fuck is going on, Krewh?"

    The blood god smiled.

    "A grand plan of mine has come to fruition. I''ve planned things out for a while with the help of a human schemer. I will admit that I had to resort to one of my contingency plans, but it still worked," he said. "To sum things up, I''m the one who guided the Greenrivers and Vandalland scouts to the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen. I knew that you would rush to stop the treasure from circulating into the economy, Gustav. Thankfully, contingency plan 203 involved you recruiting a large dragon. I also talked with Dalv and kept him updated on the plan''s progress."

    My jaw dropped.

    "So, all this was according to your plan?" I asked.

    "Yes," Krewh answered.

    "What would you have done if I couldn''t convince the monarchs?"

    Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.

    "I didn''t need to consider that option. D?¨¦??om does not choose his saints lightly. I had full confidence that you''d succeed."

    "Then you weren''t controlling my every movement?" disappointment flowed through me.

    "Of course, I wasn''t. You did everything yourself," Krewh said. "I had the human schemer I consulted help me predict what you would do. Then, I just disguised myself as an old man and guided some scouts to the treasure. I''d have intervened directly under some of my contingency plans. Thankfully, the last contingency plan let me rely on you humans. I know D?¨¦??om would be furious if I did more than what I''ve already done."

    Even for a god, this whole thing was impressive. Just having 203 contingency plans alone was.

    "Why did you go this far when all you did was talk to some people? I mean, this must have taken years of planning," I said.

    "As long and complicated as my plan was, sparing you the details, the human scheme expert assured me that it was the best way to mend the relationship between Greenrivers and Vandalland," Krewh stated.

    That left me with one question.

    "Who was the schemer you consulted?" I asked.

    "Duke Armand," he answered.

    D?¨¦??om facepalmed.

    "You had that overthinking lunatic help you scheme? Don''t get me wrong, he''s good at what he does, but his plans are a bit insane."

    "Did he make any mistakes?" Krewh questioned.

    "Yes," D?¨¦??om said. "If you told us about your scheme, you wouldn''t have had to resort to a contingency plan."

    It was Krewh''s turn to facepalm. He sighed.

    "At least things turned out well," Krewh said.

    He then shook his head.

    "Onto more important business. As a god of healing, mending of all sorts falls under my purview. I intend to mend the relationship between humans and gods."

    D?¨¦??om scoffed.

    "Like that''ll happen. Most gods hate humans," he stated.

    "Most gods are indifferent to humans. The average god is a relatively weak spirit, like dwarves, wood elves, or the ancestors of the orcs," Krewh said.

    "They aren''t real gods. They''re too weak," D?¨¦??om replied.

    "A common attitude, but an incorrect one."

    I looked between both gods.

    "So, D?¨¦??om''s a racist?" I asked.

    "I am not a racist!" D?¨¦??om objected. "Gods are determined by power. We''re not a species or anything like that. Just look at the Aesir. They''re not even naturally immortal. They use magic apples to stay eternally young. But they''re still gods because of how powerful they are."

    I looked right in his eyes.

    "So, you''re a classist?" I questioned.

    He groaned.

    "I''m not that either. I''m not the one who came up with the definition of god. I just use it," D?¨¦??om said.

    "I know that," I replied. "I was just messing with you."

    Memories of Joanna breastfeeding me flashed into my mind. I let out a groan. D?¨¦??om was laughing.

    "You two have a different relationship than Krew and I," Dalv said.

    "So what if we do?" D?¨¦??om shrugged. "We like it better this way."

    "Yeah. D?¨¦??om''s my best friend," I smiled.

    Krewh summoned a cup of tea. He took a drink from it.

    "Dalv and I are friends as well," he stated. "It just...takes a different form. Now, let''s get onto the other aspect of our business. The Equinox is coming soon."

    "That''s when the sun appears directly above the equator, right?" I asked.

    Krewh nodded.

    "Correct. It happens twice a year on Earth. But in this world, it happens only once a century. During this time, saints will feel a connection, an urge to meet others of their kind. Basically, the area''s saints are going to converge on the same location," he said.

    "That could be very good or very bad," I stated.

    Dalv grimaced.

    "We almost killed each other in the last Equinox," he said.

    "Then it''s a bad thing," I replied.

    "I want to mend the relationship between the saints as much as I can," Krewh explained. "In some cases, it''s impossible. But we''re at a crucial moment in terms of human-god relationships. We cannot afford any major conflict between saints now."

    "Time to do my job as the God of Exposition," D?¨¦??om said.

    He summoned a list.

    "There are six gods whose Saints are close enough to attend the meeting: me, Krewh, M¨©ra, Nakki, Ert¨­, and B??r."

    I recalled the gods on that list.

    "M¨©ra''s the god of the sea. Nakki''s the goddess of aristocrats. Ert¨­''s the mother goddess of nature. And B??r..."

    "Is the gods of outlaws, the asshole who demanded that his worship be banned. Only criminals worship him, just the way he wants. He should be impaled," Dalv said.

    Krewh held up his hands.

    "Just calm down, Dalv. That attitude won''t help us," he stated.

    "I will stay my hand from killing that evil god''s saints."

    "We don''t know how many saints B??r has," D?¨¦??om said. "Just that one of them has the godslayer ability. His identity is unknown."

    Dalv grimaced.

    "I had hoped you''d find out by now," he stated.

    "B??r''s the god of outlaws. Even my exposition powers can''t get past his stealth," D?¨¦??om replied.

    I walked behind D?¨¦??om and leaned over his shoulder. My eyes looked over the list. Under D?¨¦??om''s part of the line-up, I saw just one name: Lord Gustav von Blitzburg, Louis Martin in his last life.

    "And here I thought that priest was exaggerating when he said you don''t have many saints," I said.

    "I''d rather let humans flourish on their own, but sometimes I have to intervene," D?¨¦??om replied.

    Krewh and Dalv looked completely dumbstruck.

    "You''re literally reading over a god''s shoulder," Dalv said.

    "He already told you that he was my best friend. Did you not believe him?" D?¨¦??om questioned.

    Krewh sighed.

    "Just keep moving down the list."

    D?¨¦??om continued.

    "Three saints of Krewh will show up. Dalv Sepet, Vlad Tepes in his last life. Dr. Ron Anchor, born in this world. Baron Fridus of Vandalland, John Snow in his last life."

    "Not the John Snow you''re thinking of, Gustav," Krewh spoke up.

    "I thought he was the father of epidemiology," I said.

    The god blinked.

    "Oh, that''s who I was talking about. I apologize," Krewh stated.

    D?¨¦??om continued.

    "M¨©ra has one saint who will show up. All the others are in other parts of the world. That saint is Sir Elric Loxley of Fire Island, William Dampier in his last life."

    "I''ve never heard of Fire Island before," I said.

    "There''s a reason for that. It''s offshore. Sea trade is even more rare than land trade. Only people blessed by ocean gods can safely sail. And M¨©ra doesn''t give out his blessings easily," D?¨¦??om replied. "I also didn''t tell you about it before because it''s basically fantasy England, and I was worried that you''d freak out."

    I waved it off.

    "I already suspected there was a fantasy England. Remember that one guy I adventured with?" I asked.

    D?¨¦??om answered, "I remember him."

    Dalv sighed.

    "At least Elric isn''t a pirate in this life too," he said.

    "I''m just glad that he''s still a natural scientist," Krewh stated.

    D?¨¦??om and I looked at the list.

    "Nakki''s next," he said.

    "All her saints are in Motteburh," I noted.

    Anger pulsed through me.

    "I already talked to her about that," D?¨¦??om replied. "Hopefully, she''ll actually do something about it. She''s the goddess of aristocrats, but she has some standards."

    "Does she have any new saints?" Dalv wondered.

    D?¨¦??om shook his head.

    "It''s the same three as before. Countess Dupont, born in this world. Duchess Boucher, born in this world. Dame Alarie, ¨¦lisabeth Philippe Marie H¨¦l¨¨ne of France in her last life."

    "An incredibly obscure historical figure. I doubt you''d know who she was," Dalv said.

    D?¨¦??om laughed.

    "You don''t know him very well, do you?" the god asked.

    "What do you mean?" Dalv questioned.

    "¨¦lisabeth Philippe Marie H¨¦l¨¨ne of France, also known as Madame ¨¦lisabeth, was one of the victims of the Reign of Terror. That was one of the worst parts of French history," I said. "She was the granddaughter of the King of France, and she was declared a servant of god by Pope Pius XII after her death."

    Dalv looked incredibly impressed.

    "Is obscure historical figures an interest of yours?" he asked.

    "No. I just studied a lot of history in my past life. I studied history as best as I could here, but this world doesn''t have the internet," I answered.

    "I''ll have to ask you what the internet is later," Dalv said. "For now, we should move on with the list."

    I held up my hand.

    "One question, first," I told them.

    "What is it?" Krewh wondered.

    "Neither of you have any female saints, but Nakki does. Why?"

    The atmosphere suddenly became uncomfortable.

    "It''s considered inappropriate for gods to have saints who are the opposite sex," Krewh said.

    "We can see the area around our saints any time we want. There are some gods who''d use that to see bare ass," D?¨¦??om stated.

    I remembered numerous stories of gods who''d do worse than that. Then, D?¨¦??om continued.

    "Before you ask, Ert¨­ is on our side. Most people would think that the goddess of nature would hate humans because of how much you guys pollute in other worlds. But she knows that a lot of humans are trying to undo damage to the environment. Ert¨­ isn''t the sort of goddess who judges people based on things other people do," D?¨¦??om said.

    Krewh nodded.

    "She wants to reward humans who protect the environment and punish humans who harm it. But she spends most of her time trying to convince other powerful nature gods of her position," he stated.

    D?¨¦??om read the list.

    "She has four saints. As the goddess of nature, she can make animals into saints. Two of her saints are bears. One is a squirrel. Her only human saint is Countess Ebba von Skogstad, Louisa Finch, Countess of Aylesford in her past life," he said. "And that''s all of them."

    I sighed.

    "I''m deeply disturbed by the amount of English people who became saints."

    "They aren''t English in this life, so it should be fine," Dalv stated.

    "That''s easy for you to say," I said.

    Krewh replied, "That''s all I had to say. The last thing I want to do is have you and Dalv exchange crystal ball information. That way, we can all keep in contact and prepare for the Equinox."

    "I don''t have a crystal ball."

    Shock covered the blood god''s face.

    "Why not?" he asked.

    "My parents said I''m not old enough for one," I answered.

    D?¨¦??om held up his hand. A crystal ball formed in it.

    "Here you go," he said.

    I took the crystal ball.

    "Now, it''s time for us to depart," Krewh turned to D?¨¦??om. "The negotiations will finish soon, and Dalv is not the only monarch who wants to talk to Gustav."

 Chapter 27: Speaking with Monarchs

    I knelt on the ground, keeping my head as low as I possibly could. My body trembled with nervousness. King Eduard the Defenestrator and Queen Eleanor were both right in front of me.

    "My family''s liege lord and his wife. If I say something stupid, we''re fucked," I thought.

    "Don''t worry, you''ll be fine," D?¨¦??om assured me.

    I was still in the tent I woke up in. After my talk with Dalv and the gods, it wasn''t long before King Eduard and Queen Eleanor came in. Dalv left me in here with them.

    "Rise," King Eduard commanded.

    Taking a deep breath, I stood up.

    "You''ve accomplished quite a lot, Lord Gustav," my king said.

    "You exaggerate, your Majesty," I replied.

    The king and queen looked right in my face. They examined every part of my expression. Then, to my surprise, they chuckled. Their composure returned as soon as it left.

    "You aren''t being humble. You really don''t think you accomplished much," Queen Eleanor stated.

    "I never met someone as crazy as you," King Eduard added.

    "I don''t mean to contradict you, your Majesty, but I''m not crazy. I''m perfectly normal," I said.

    My king looked at me like I had lost my mind.

    "Took him long enough to figure it out," D?¨¦??om commented.

    "Figure what out?" I thought.

    "Never mind."

    King Eduard tried to make his expression more dignified.

    "I spoke to the dragon. He said that you convinced him to accept a certain business proposal," he said.

    "That is true, your Majesty," I replied.

    "You convinced a large dragon to involve himself in a human business."

    "He was a very agreeable dragon. Persuading him wasn''t hard."

    "Even so, most people wouldn''t even consider talking to a dragon his size. It''s almost certain death," King Eduard stated.

    "Yes, your Majesty," I said.

    "And then, you flew on him for three days, stopping only to get water. More than that, you rode a dragon bareback. Most people would have given up after half a day."

    I chose my next words with care.

    "Your Majesty, I would prefer it if you didn''t needlessly flatter me. I don''t think D?¨¦??om would approve," I stated.

    "It isn''t need..." King Eduard shook his head.

    A jolt of fear pulsed through me.

    "Lord Gustav, you are painfully unaware of yourself," Queen Eleanor said.

    Confusion replaced my fear.

    "I am?" I asked.

    "By the gods, you are," King Eduard''s face was covered in frustration. "I must be feeling what you felt earlier today."

    He shook his head.

    "You rode a large dragon into the middle of two armies and Dalv''s personal guard. Then, you demanded to speak to the monarchs. Even for a saint acting on behalf of a god, that takes balls," King Eduard said.

    Fear crept back into me.

    "Fuck! I pissed off the king! I need to make this right!" I thought before speaking. "I apologize for disrespecting you."

    King Eduard facepalmed. His wife joined him.

    "Lord Gustav, the point my husband is trying to make is that you impressed him," she said.

    They put their hands off their faces.

    "Even if it was in the name of D?¨¦??om, you saved us from economic ruination. I don''t even know what would have happened if you weren''t here," King Eduard stated.

    "Thank you, your Majesty," I said.

    "I wish to reward you for your deeds."

    "I''m unworthy, your Majesty."

    King Eduard observed my face. Then, relief flowed through him.

    "Thank the gods, you''re actually being humble this time," he said.

    "That''s good," Eleanor added. "I would hope that someone D?¨¦??om chose to be a saint would be able to see a good opportunity."

    I looked between both monarchs. Nervousness flowed through me. Just what reward would I get?

    King Eduard stood with complete dignity.

    "I have need of a new groom of the stool. Perhaps that position would suit you?"

    "Congratulations! You get to be the king''s royal ass-whiper!" D?¨¦??om said.

    "A great honor to the people of this world. It''s a very powerful position," I thought.

    "So, you''re going to refuse it, right?"

    "Of course. I could do a lot for the common people if I became the groom of the stool, but that''s just too much power. At best, I''d break. At worst, I''d become corrupt."

    I knelt.

    "Thank you, your Majesty, but I must refuse," I said.

    If King Eduard and Queen Eleanor were surprised, they didn''t show it.

    "You''re refusing a position as prestigious as groom of the stool? You would refuse this reward from me?" King Eduard asked.

    Fear pulsed through me, but I forced it down. Monarchs are predators. Show them weakness, and they eat you alive.

    "I apologize, your Majesty," I said. "But what you''re offering me is more power. That doesn''t seem like much of a reward to me."

    To my surprise, King Eduard and Queen Eleanor smiled.

    "Quite the intriguing answer. It isn''t what I expected, but I''m not unsatisfied," my king said.

    "There are few men like you," Queen Eleanor noted.

    I didn''t know how to respond to that.

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    "Rise," King Eduard commanded, and I obeyed.

    He then relaxed his face just a little bit.

    "Tell me, Lord Gustav, what do you want?"

    "There are many things I want. I want to be a good lord who brings prosperity to those under me. I want to serve you well. I want to turn Blitzburg into a merchant city. I want to eat snails and frog legs. I want to..."

    "Hold on!" Eduard interrupted me. "What did you just say?"

    Queen Eleanor had a look of sheer disgust on her face.

    "I want to turn Blitzburg into a merchant city," I said.

    "That''s not what I''m...I have to give it to you, Lord Gustav. If you were in my court, I would never have a boring day," King Eduard replied.

    "Thank you, your Majesty."

    "You''ve done me a great service. As your king, it is my duty to reward you for it. Tell me something that I can do for you, that is reasonable, and that doesn''t involve snails or frogs. And, considering your sanity, it can''t involve both snails and frogs."

    I let a smile cross my face. This was perhaps my best chance.

    "The only thing I want from you, your Majesty, is your help solving my family''s financial situation," I said.

    "Is that all?" King Eduard asked.

    "It is my shame to admit that we don''t have much money left. We''re spending most of our funds on the high elves. I do not wish to involve your Majesties with our petty concerns, but this is all I want for a reward."

    "There won''t be any snails or frogs involved, right?" Eleanor questioned.

    "I already tried selling people cooked snails. It didn''t work," I said.

    She gave me a ''no shit'' look. King Eduard merely nodded.

    "Very well. Expect my arrival at your family''s castle in a week''s time. I will take care of whatever financial issues you have," he stated.

    "Thank you, your Majesty."

    King Eduard then paused in thought. Worry pulsed through me.

    "Lord Gustav, are you a knight yet?" he asked.

    "I''m afraid not, your Majesty," I answered.

    "As expected. Normally, someone your age would not be a knight," King Eduard said. "However, I believe you earned the title. Even chefs can become knights through their work, and you''ve accomplished more than being a good cook. Take off your sword before we return."

    King Eduard and Queen Eleanor left the tent for a moment. My queen had a sheathed sword when they came back.

    King Eduard drew his sword.

    "Kneel," he commanded.

    I knelt before him. King Eduard placed his sword on my shoulder.

    "Normally, you would swear an oath of allegiance to me, but I''ve lived long enough to know how worthless those are."

    King Eduard placed his sword on my other shoulder before sheathing it. Queen Eleanor handed him the sword she held. My king then placed the sword on my hip.

    He slapped me right in the face.

    "That is the last blow you must take without retaliating," King Eduard said. "Should someone strike you in the future, you must strike back. Now, rise a knight."

    I stood up.

    "Thank you, your Majesty. Now, I am Sir Lord Saint Gustav von Blitzburg," I said.

    "No, you are not."

    "Oh."

    "You are Saint Sir Gustav Lord von Blitzburg. The saint title comes first," King Eduard explained. "If you ever hold lands of your own and get a title like count of some land, it will be after your surname."

    I nodded.

    "Thank you for explaining, your Majesty," I said.

    "If that''s the same as in my world, it explains a lot," I thought.

    "You never looked into how noble titles worked in either of your lives?" D?¨¦??om wondered.

    "That''s right. I never gave the faintest fuck about how they worked. Though, I doubt the saint title works that way, considering how you had to be dead to be a saint in my old world."

    "You are welcome. I''m surprised you didn''t know. Now, do you have a crystal ball?" King Eduard questioned.

    "I do."

    "Hand me it."

    When I did, King Eduard turned it on. He pulled out his crystal ball and added my number to his contacts and his number to mine.

    "If I require you, I will call you. I hope that you will inform me if something important comes up. I''d rather not get scared half to death by a dragon again," he stated. "And I noticed that Voivode Dalv is in your contacts."

    "I apologize, your Majesty."

    "Quite frankly, I don''t care how many monarchs you have in your contacts. D?¨¦??om wouldn''t make someone who''d plot against his king a saint. You''re also not self-aware enough to realize how powerful you are. Now, I must attend to more business. Expect another visitor," King Eduard replied.

    "Honestly, a part of me wishes you became my husband''s groom of the stool. There are some people in court who should get to meet you," Queen Eleanor stated with a slight chuckle.

    After that, the two of them left. I let out a sigh of relief.

    "That was stressful," I thought.

    "It sure looked like it," D?¨¦??om replied.

    "And the stress isn''t over yet. I know who''s coming in next, but at least I have some time before she shows up."

    The moment I finished that thought, Queen Hildoara walked into the tent. My stress levels rose right back up. I knelt before her. Panic struck Queen Hildoara''s face.

    "Please, Gustav, you don''t need to do that," she said.

    Queen Hildoara grabbed me and pulled me up.

    "You''re a queen now, your Majesty," I replied.

    "I am, but you''re still my friend," Queen Hildoara stated. "There''s nothing wrong with a monarch having friends that they talk to informally, at least in private."

    When I saw how well Hildoara had grown, I got a sudden reminder that I was a teenager at the height of puberty. I turned around so Queen Hildoara wouldn''t see my reminder.

    "You...you won''t even look at me?" sadness came into her voice.

    Now, I felt panicked.

    "It isn''t that, your Majesty! I just don''t want to offend you," I said.

    "What could offend me?" Queen Hildoara wondered.

    She moved around me, trying to get to my front. I kept turning so she''d stay behind me. Queen Hildoara grabbed my shoulders and forced me around. We were face-to-face. The queen gazed over my body. She stopped at my hips. An awkward silence came over us.

    "I didn''t think it would be so big," Queen Hildoara broke it.

    "My eyes are up here, your Majesty," I said.

    Queen Hildoara let go of my shoulders, looked into my eyes, and stepped back.

    "Sorry, sorry, I just..." she rubbed the back of her head.

    "It''s fine, your Majesty," I said.

    "Please don''t call me your Majesty. Just call me Hildoara. I don''t want you to think that you have to suck up to me constantly. We''re friends, Gustav."

    She gave me a reassuring smile. I hesitated to say anything.

    "Is...is this a test, your Majesty?" I asked.

    "By the gods, Gustav, you weren''t like this when I was a princess," Hildoara sighed.

    "That''s because you weren''t a queen then, your Majesty."

    She pondered a moment. Then, a wicked smile crossed her face.

    "This can only mean bad," I thought.

    "I know you don''t think well of monarchs, Gustav, but have you considered chilling out just a little bit?" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "Nope."

    Hildoara stepped right up to me. She grinned ear to ear.

    "The monarch''s body is sacred. Perhaps you''d like to touch my sacred body?"

    I jumped back.

    "What the hell, Hildoara? You can''t just make that offer out of nowhere?"

    A soft smile crossed her face. Hildoara''s eyes became tired.

    "Thank the gods, I got you to say my name," she said.

    Hildoara sat on the chair and sunk back.

    "Are you alright?" I asked.

    "We have a lot to talk about, Gustav. Please, drop the formalities. I don''t want you of all people to treat me differently," Hildoara answered.

    Guilt pulsed through my body. It replaced my nervousness. I sat on the cot.

    "Okay, Hildoara. I''m sorry that I got nervous," I said.

    "Don''t be sorry. Just forget about it, Gustav," she replied.

    "Alright. I will."

    She took a deep breath.

    "First, thank you. As far as I''m concerned, you''re the reason why my brother is alive."

    "You''re the one who saved him. I just gave you some ideas," I said.

    "That''s your opinion. Mine is different," Hildoara stated. "Don''t worry. I don''t blame you for making me queen. As far as I''m concerned, that''s my brother''s fault."

    What the fuck?

    "Didn''t you want to be queen?" I asked.

    Hildoara''s arms slackened, and she looked at the tent roof.

    "By the gods, no. If you made me queen, I''d order you to turn around so I can kick your ass. I never understood why nobles keep grasping at high positions like they grope prostitutes. We already live lives of luxury. What more could we possibly want?" she answered.

    "For some people, power is a drug," I said.

    "It''s the worst drug in the world. I have it, I''m not addicted, and I''m suffering from withdrawal."

    I shifted uncomfortably.

    "Do you want to talk about it?" I questioned.

    "Yes, I do," Hildoara placed a hand over her forehead. "I''ve never been as stressed out as I have been for these past few weeks. I''ve had to manage soldiers, deal with nobles who want something from me, all Vandalland''s finances, just so much bullshit! And then, I almost went to war! When I saw you, I was terrified. I was worried that I''d have to kill you. I''m so sorry, Gustav. As queen, the needs of Vandalland come before my friends."

    I held up my hands.

    "Don''t worry, Hildoara. I understand. I wouldn''t want you to throw away your people for my sake."

    "I''m still sorry about it. I''m also sorry that I couldn''t help you talk to King Eduard," she said.

    "You handled yourself fine," I replied.

    "Fine? I was so nervous that I could barely speak. It took so much effort to keep my feelings hidden," Hildoara stated.

    "I can''t imagine what that''s like," I lied.

    "Liar," she turned her head to face me.

    There was a smirk on her face.

    "I can see right through you, Gustav. You''ve been freaking out inside, haven''t you?"

    "Yeah, I have," I admitted.

    "It looks like we''re in the same boat."

    "I wouldn''t go that far. We''re in two boats that crashed into each other."

    "That''s going further," Hildoara said.

    "That''s your opinion. Mine is different," I replied.

    She chuckled.

    "I''d ask to exchange crystal ball numbers, but I doubt King Eduard would like it."

    "He saw that I have Dalv''s number, and he''s fine with it."

    Hildoara breathed a sigh of relief.

    "Thank the gods," she said.

    After that, we exchanged numbers. Hildoara smiled.

    "Gustav, I know we''re from different kingdoms, and I won''t ask you to betray your king. But I still hope that we can rely on each other as friends," she said.

    "I hope the same," I replied.

    To my utter shock, Hildoara stood up and gave me a bow. I bowed back. Hildoara''s eyes contained pure happiness. Hildoara stood up and spoke with a gentle voice.

    "Gustav, I intend to treat you as my friend in all things. This is the least I can do to thank you. Even if we meet in public, I will not treat you as anything less. Even if become enemies, I will treat you as a friend and give you a quick death. The only way I will stop treating you as a friend is if you become my husband, and I know King Eduard would never approve of that."

 Chapter 28: Returning Home

    After the talk with the kings, I compensated the farmers who got their crops crushed by Cinnamon. I took a look at the crystal ball book to find the Raven Knights'' number. Then, Cinnamon gave me a ride back to Blitzburg. Or, rather, to a few kilometers away from Blitzburg so that he wouldn''t freak anyone out. It was late at night by the time I returned.

    "Thanks for flying me back, Cinnamon," I said.

    "It is being no problem. I am very happy to help you," the dragon replied. "But now I must be getting back to my horde."

    "I''ll call the Raven Knights soon and tell them you''re going to put your horde in their banking service," I stated.

    "Oh, that is being very kind of you. I will be seeing you later in Blitzburg for making the company, yes?"

    "Of course."

    With that, Cinnamon flew off. I watched him fly into the distance. Then, I pulled out my crystal ball. My fingers rapidly typed a number in.

    "I only ever saw Joanna type her number in. I hope I''m remembering it right," I thought.

    There were a few rings, and a voice came to my ears.

    "Hello?" it was Joanna.

    "Joanna, this is Gustav," I said.

    "Thank the gods. Are you okay?"

    "I''m fine. Everything went well. No one''s claimed the treasure. King Eduard and Hildoara are going to work together to make sure no one claims it. D?¨¦??om gave me a crystal ball. And no one holds a grudge against me as far as I can tell."

    I heard Joanna breathe a sigh of relief.

    "Where are you now?" she asked.

    "Near Blitzburg. Where are you?" I questioned.

    "A dragon port. We''ve had a few long flights, and now we''re about to board a flight to Blitzburg. Dimitri went back to Weltai."

    "Okay. Joanna, should I tell my parents about everything before or after you get here?"

    There was a moment''s pause. I assumed that Joanna was thinking things through.

    "Before. It''s more efficient," Joanna said.

    "Okay, I''ll see you soon," I replied.

    "I''ll be back before you know it."

    I hung up the crystal ball and typed in a different number.

    "Hello, this is the Raven Knights hotline," a tired feminine voice on the other end said.

    A smile crossed my face.

    "Hello, this is Saint Sir Gustav Lord von Blitzburg," I replied.

    I heard the sound of a spell being cast. Then, the voice picked up in tone.

    "We''re honored to have a saint call us! What do you need?"

    "Sometime in the near future, a dragon''s going to visit a bunch of your chapter houses. It''s one of the large wild dragons," I said.

    "You''re trying to warn us of impending disaster?" the voice asked.

    "No. The dragon''s going there to deposit money in your banking system."

    There was a moment of silence as the person on the other end took in what I said.

    "A dragon wants to put money in our banks?" the voice questioned.

    "Yes, he does. His name is Cinnamon. I called you so you wouldn''t freak out when he showed up," I said.

    The sound of a deep sigh hit my ears.

    "Okay. I will inform the chapter houses of this. Thank you for telling me about this," the voice stated. "Is that all?"

    "Yes, that''s everything," I replied.

    "Alright. Goodbye," the voice said.

    "Goodbye."

    I hung up my crystal ball and started walking back to Blitzburg. I arrived just before dawn.

    Soon enough, I was in front of my parents in the solar. They sat in front of me. There were looks of concern on their groggy faces.

    "You were gone for weeks, Gustav. King Eduard sent us a call to arms and then a call to stand down while you were gone," Mother stated.

    "I know. I''d have called you, but I didn''t have a crystal ball until D?¨¦??om gave me one," I said.

    "That''s no excuse. Joanna has a..." shock covered Father''s face. "Did you just say that D?¨¦??om D?¨¦??om gave you a crystal ball?"

    "Yes. He did it yesterday," I replied.

    I showed them it.

    "You''re too young to own one, but if D?¨¦??om wants you to have it," Father sighed.

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    "Could you tell us everything that happened to you?" Mother asked.

    "Okay."

    I pondered a moment.

    "What was the last thing you know I did before I left?" I tried to recall.

    "You convinced us to give a plot of land to a minotaur so he could be your retainer," Father said.

    "Right, Dr. Minos joined my retinue. After that, I teamed up with a playwright to make money. We went North to the Mr. and Ms. Barbarian contest to get a new lead actor for his play."

    Shock covered my parents'' faces.

    "You''re so against marrying your cousin that you''d go that far?" Mother asked.

    "Yes," I answered.

    "I don''t see why," Father said. "Your mother and I get along just fine."

    "Please don''t remind me," I thought.

    "You aren''t the first inbred noble, and you certainly won''t be the last," D?¨¦??om assured me.

    "That doesn''t help at all!"

    "On our way to the Mr. and Ms. Barbarian contest, I got two other retainers. They''re commoners who can use magic, so I''ll knight them when they get back," I said.

    My parents looked confused.

    "Only a knight can make a knight. Are you a knight now?" Father asked.

    "Yes. King Eduard knighted me. Anyway, we arrived at the..."

    "Hold on!" he interrupted me.

    Father stood up, shock covering his face. Mother looked like she could barely breathe.

    "King Eduard knighted you?" Father said.

    "Yes, but we''ll get to that," I stated.

    "Do you have any idea how big a deal that is?"

    "Every noble gets knighted eventually. I don''t see what the problem is," I replied.

    Father sighed and stumbled back into his seat. Mother placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

    "This is my failure as a parent. I should have taught you self-awareness," he said.

    "Can I get back to my story now?" I asked.

    "Yes, please do," Mother answered.

    "I went to the Mr. and Ms. Barbarian contest. It was attacked by a demigod saint, but my retinue drove him off."

    My parents looked too stunned to talk. I decided to abridge things a bit more for brevity.

    "Donnie got his lead actor after that, but I decided that we wouldn''t get enough money fast enough from his play deal. So, I decided to get a dragon to make a company with me," I said.

    "A flying company?" Mother questioned.

    "No. I''m talking about a new type of company. I got a wild dragon to make it with me."

    My parents'' jaws dropped to the floor.

    "You convinced. A wild dragon. The type bigger than castles. To make a company. With you," Father said.

    "Yes. That''s exactly what happened," I replied.

    "By the gods, Gustav, do you have any idea how dangerous that was?"

    "I do."

    A smile crossed my father''s face.

    "I should be furious at you for doing something so reckless, but I''m proud of you. You accomplished something no one else has ever done."

    "Thank you, Father," I said. "Anyway, after that, I heard that a few monarchs were going to claim the Lost Treasure of Captain Omen. D?¨¦??om told me to talk them out of it. So, I flew Cinnamon to where the monarchs were at and demanded an audience."

    My parents were frozen in stunned silence for the second time.

    "I talked to the monarchs and convinced them to not try to get the treasure. Then, King Eduard knighted me, and I got a few crystal ball numbers for my contacts," I said.

    "Whose crystal ball numbers?" Father asked.

    "King Eduard''s, Hildoara''s, and King Dalv''s," I answered.

    "By the gods! We don''t even have King Eduard''s number! He just has ours! Do you have any idea what this means?"

    "It means I have a few crystal ball numbers."

    "You have three monarchs in your contacts!" Mother exclaimed.

    "I know. I just told you," I said.

    "Gustav, you''re smart, but you really have no self-awareness," D?¨¦??om replied.

    "Did anything else happen?" Father asked.

    "I got King Eduard to help with our financial issues. He''ll be here in about a week. Also, Hildoara implied that she would marry me if I wasn''t King Eduard''s subject."

    My parents fainted. I rushed over to them.

    "Mother, father, are you alright?" I asked.

    They woke up.

    "By the gods, Gustav, you might have solved everything," my father said.

    "Thank you?" I had no idea how else to respond to that.

    Later that day, I was in the dragon port. I saw Joanna, Johannes, Astrid, and Dr. Minos get off a dragon and go into the building I was in. I stood up and walked over to them.

    "It''s good to see you all again," I said.

    Joanna hugged me in a tight embrace.

    "I was so worried about you, Gustav," tears streaked from her eyes. "You flew right into a battlefield, and none of us were there with you!"

    I was too stunned to speak. Joanna''s tears leaked onto my clothes.

    "Is Joanna really crying?" I thought.

    "She is," D?¨¦??om confirmed.

    I wrapped my arms around Joanna''s body.

    "It''s okay, Joanna. Everything''s fine. I resolved everything, and we''re all together now," I said.

    Joanna hugged me tighter. It started to hurt.

    "Promise me that you won''t run off by yourself ever again!" she demanded.

    "I will under one condition," I replied.

    Joanna broke the hug. She put her hands on my shoulders. Tears streamed from her eyes.

    "What is that?" she asked.

    "That you don''t freeze up when something weird happens," I answered. "I know what it''s like to freeze up. I do that in battles sometimes, but the reason why I ran off on my own this time is because you all froze. I didn''t have the time to snap you out of it."

    Joanna took a deep breath. Her tears started to dry.

    "Okay, Gustav, I will start training to not freeze up like that. So, you''d better show me a lot of weird things," she said.

    "I have plenty to show you," I replied.

    Joanna took a few more moments to calm down. Then, we left the dragon port. I guided everyone to a somewhat more secluded location: a dirty alley behind a few buildings. After that, I turned to Johannes and Astrid.

    "His Majesty knighted me. I want to knight both of you now," I said.

    They looked at their surroundings. There was trash all over the area. A cat was eating a rat right next to us.

    "My Lord, shouldn''t we be knighted in a more dignified place?" Astrid asked.

    "Does the place matter? People get knighted on battlefields covered in blood and guts all the time," I replied.

    "It''s just...I never thought I''d get knighted, but I didn''t think it would be in a place like this."

    "Okay, then," I said. "I''ll take you somewhere better."

    "Thank you, my Lord," Astrid stated.

    "You don''t need to thank me. This is your special day, after all."

    I took them to Blitzburg''s church of D?¨¦??om. It was a quaint, humble place that wouldn''t have used much resources to make. We walked over to the pulpit where I turned to my retinue. Astrid and Johannes were right in front of me.

    "Kneel," I said.

    They did as commanded. I drew my sword and placed it on one of Astrid''s shoulders.

    "I swear allegiance to you, Gustav," Astrid stated.

    "So do I," Johannes added.

    Confusion flowed through me.

    "I didn''t ask you to swear anything," I said.

    "You''ve already earned our loyalty," Johannes replied.

    "Yes. The oath is just a formality," Astrid nodded.

    "Alright, then," I tapped my sword on her other shoulder. "You are now Dame Astrid Cobbler."

    I slapped her right in the face.

    "That was the last blow you have to take without fighting back. From now on, if someone strikes you, kick their ass," I said.

    Then, I tapped my sword on Johannes'' shoulders.

    "You are now Sir Johannes Talhoffer," I stated.

    I slapped him in the face.

    "That was the last blow you have to take without fighting back. From now on, if someone strikes you, kick their ass," I told him.

    Then, I smiled.

    "You two are now knig..."

    Before I could continue, Johannes and Astrid tackle hugged me. I almost crashed into the pulpit, but I used magic to strengthen my body and stay up.

    "Thank you so much, Gustav! You have no idea how much this means to commoners like us!" Astrid had a look of pure joy on her face.

    "Gustav, will you be the best man at my and Astrid''s wedding?" Johannes asked.

    "I think we''re getting a bit ahead of ourselves," I said. "That''s a few years away, and I have other things to worry about first. But yes, I will if D?¨¦??om approves."

    The god''s voice came to my head.

    "Go for it, Gustav."

    "He approves," I stated.

    Joanna chuckled.

    "Honestly, Gustav, you''ve assembled the strangest retinue I''ve ever seen. You''ve done a good job," she smiled.

 Chapter 29: The King Arrives: Volume 1 Finale

    I was in my family''s castle, right in front of my parents with my retinue behind me. Astrid and Johannes were kneeling.

    "Mother, Father, this is Dame Astrid Cobbler and Sir Johannes Talhoffer. They''re my newest retainers. I recruited them myself, and I have full confidence in their abilities," I said.

    "Will we need to give them land?" Father questioned.

    "I will eventually. We won''t need to do that for a long time. I made an alternate payment deal with them," I replied.

    "Alright," he nodded. "You two can rise."

    Astrid and Johannes stood up.

    "We''re honored to meet you," the former said.

    "You don''t need to be so formal," Mother stated. "We''re happy that our son has more people protecting him."

    Father took a deep breath.

    "Now, if you''ll excuse us, Gustav. Your mother and I have to prepare for His Majesty''s arrival. After all you''ve done, you deserve to take a rest," Father told me.

    "Do I still have to marry my cousin?" I asked.

    "By the gods, Gustav, you don''t," he answered. "The Queen of Vandalland wants you to be her husband. That''s a far better match than the son of a count could ever hope for."

    "And His Majesty might not let the marriage happen now, but we may be able to convince him eventually," Mother said.

    "That''s something I''ll have to deal with later," I thought.

    "Are you against it?" D?¨¦??om questioned.

    "Of course, I am! I don''t even want to be the Groom of the Stool! Being a king''s much more powerful than that!"

    I struggled to hide a grimace.

    "Well, I won''t have a choice if King Eduard, my parents, and Hildoara want it. Even a Saint can''t deal with that many powerful people," I thought.

    My parents left the room, and I turned to Astrid and Johannes.

    "Let''s go to the courtyard. I owe you two some training."

    A few days later, Astrid, Johannes, and I stood in the castle''s courtyard with training gear on. We''d waited a bit to continue training so they could get adjusted to castle life. Joanna and Dr. Minos were there too, the latter reading a scholarly journal. I placed several practice swords and books about magic down.

    I surveyed Johannes and Astrid. I had them do basic magic exercises for a while to increase their control over their magic. They had small bits of fire in their hands. Next to the fire was a piece of kindling. Their job was to keep the fire from setting the kindling alight. Astrid and Johannes did this masterfully. Pride welled up in my chest.

    "Before we start training, there''s something I should tell you. I shouldn''t have waited as long as I have," I said.

    "What is it, Gustav?" Johannes asked.

    "You remember how I told you that I couldn''t afford retainers because my parents gave me a low allowance?"

    "We do," Astrid replied.

    "That was a lie. My family''s actually doing horribly financially. We''re spending far too much money on his Majesty''s behalf. That''s why I was in the North in the first place. I was trying to get money to pay my family''s expenses," I stated.

    There was a moment of silence.

    "I''m sorry that I didn''t tell you before," I said. "But I didn''t trust you enough to tell you. And I still don''t trust Dimitri enough to risk letting him know. But I trust you enough now. If either of you wants to leave my service over this, I won''t blame you."

    Astrid held up her hands.

    "You don''t need to worry about it, Gustav. I know nobles outside of Motteburh aren''t as bad as nobles in it, but you''re not wrong to be paranoid. Besides, you made us knights. We owe you more than we could ever repay," she stated.

    "I don''t blame you either. I''m just glad you''re telling us now," Johannes added.

    Warmth flowed through my body.

    "Thank you both. I don''t deserve retainers as good as you," I smiled.

    "You do," Astrid replied.

    I nodded.

    "Alright," I said. "Time to learn more magic."

    They snuffed out the flames. Then, I looked at the greatsword Astrid had on her back.

    "That might be a problem," I stated.

    "What would?" Astrid asked.

    "Your greatsword," I answered. "Johannes'' dual wielding might be an issue too."

    "Why?" Johanna questioned.

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    "Because nobles need one empty hand to cast spells. That''s why we used one-handed swords," I said.

    Realization dawned upon them.

    "But you were able to carry my old greatsword and use magic!" Astrid pointed out.

    "Body enhancement spells are the exception, but you''d have to be an absolute master of body enhancement to fight on the same level as spellcasters who do things like shoot fireballs," I replied.

    "Alright. I''ll master body enhancement, then."

    A wide grin crossed my face.

    "That''s the spirit, Astrid!" I gave her a thumbs up. "Now, Johannes, you wanted to make a new magic weapon, right?"

    "I still do, Gustav. I haven''t come up with anything better to do," Johannes said.

    "That essentially means you want to discover a new enchantment. Right now, you should focus on learning magic in general. You need a good base knowledge of magic to make magic items," I stated.

    "How good?"

    "10 years of training should be enough to make simple items. To make something entirely new, most people who make magic items have had at least a century of training. You also need very high-quality weapons, but my family has a contract with a dwarf. So, we have those."

    Johannes blinked with shock.

    "That''s a long time," he said.

    "It''ll take me longer than that to be the world''s greatest swordswoman. And we''re learning magic together. That should make it go faster," Astrid replied. "So, don''t worry, Johannes."

    She placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

    "I have one question, Astrid. Why do you want to be the world''s greatest sword fighter?" I asked.

    Astrid suddenly became uncomfortable. She looked down.

    "Honestly, I don''t have a reason. I just want to," she admitted.

    "Wow. You and Johannes really are made for each other," I said. "You decided what your goal in life will be because you have nothing better to do."

    "That''s not what I said!" Astrid huffed.

    "Don''t worry, Astrid. I''m sure that when we complete our goals, we''ll find something better to do," Johannes replied.

    "I know you''re trying to help, but that doesn''t make me feel better."

    "Alright, let''s get back to our training," I said. "Would you rather learn physical enhancement magic or rapier use first?"

    "Rapier use. I already have a background in sideswords. Rapier fencing will be faster," Johannes said.

    "Why don''t we spend half of our time studying rapier fencing and the other half with magic?" Astrid suggested.

    "That''s a good idea."

    "Alright," I nodded. "Let''s start, then."

    I got in a rapier fencing stance with my practice sword.

    "The first thing you need to know is that the rapier is a dueling weapon. Some people used them on the battlefield in my world, but it isn''t a good idea. Other swords are better for war. Now..."

    Before I could continue, a servant rushed into the training grounds. There was a look of haste on her face. She bowed to me.

    "Go ahead and talk, Lisa," I said.

    "Sir Gustav, Count and Countess von Blitzburg want you to get ready. His Majesty is approaching," she replied.

    I rushed into the castle with my retinue behind me.

    "That was fast! I didn''t think he''d resolve things at the treasure mound so soon," I stated.

    "Your king doesn''t like wasting time," D?¨¦??om said.

    "You''d think that someone who doesn''t age would take things more slowly," I thought.

    "Yes, he doesn''t age, but commoners do."

    I got in my finest clothes as fast as I could. Then, I saw that Johannes and Astrid''s clothes were the exact same as they always were.

    "Fuck!" I facepalmed. "I forgot to buy you new clothes!"

    "Is there a problem, my Lord?" Johannes asked.

    "Yes, there is! You''re knights now! You can''t meet the king looking like this!"

    I went back to my clothing trunk and pulled out some of my clothes. Then, I returned to the two. Astrid was pale with fear. Johannes had his hand on her shoulder.

    "By the gods, we''re going to meet a king. What''s going to happen? Will he be upset that he''s meeting former commoners? Will he..." she trembled.

    "Don''t worry, Astrid. Gustav will keep us safe. He knows what he''s doing," Johannes assured her.

    "Yes. I''ll take care of everything. All you two need to do is stand around. Everything will be fine," I stated, hiding my own nervousness.

    I tossed the clothes to them.

    "Put these on," I said. "They''ll do for now."

    My eyes turned to Astrid.

    "They''re men''s clothing. So, if His Majesty asks why you''re wearing it, we''ll say that Johannes has a crossdressing fetish, and you''re dressing up for him."

    "How did you know I have a crossdressing fetish, Gustav?" Johannes asked.

    D?¨¦??om burst out laughing.

    "Never mind that," I said. "Just put those clothes on."

    Johannes and Astrid did as commanded. My retainers and I then entered the castle courtyard. We stood in front of the gates with my parents along with their retainers. A grand procession was approaching the castle, banners with two-headed black lions standing tall. The portcullis lifted high, allowing the newcomers inside.

    King Eduard the Defenestrator was at the front with Queen Eleanor. They got off their horses, handing the reigns to servants who would deliver them to the stables. Everyone in my household knelt before the monarchs.

    "You may rise," King Eduard said with a stoic expression on his face.

    We stood up.

    "It has been a while since I spoke to you in person, Count and Countess von Blitzburg," he stated. "The last contact we had was a letter you wrote. I must say that it is good to see you again. I trust that you are doing well?"

    "I am, your Majesty. It''s an honor to have you here."

    "Quite."

    King Eduard turned to me.

    "It has been less long, Lord Gustav. I see that the dragon isn''t here," King Eduard said.

    "Cinnamon had his own business to attend to," I replied.

    Queen Eleanor stifled a laugh.

    "The dragon''s name is Cinnamon?" King Eduard asked, suppressing his confused expression well.

    "Yes, your Majesty," I answered.

    King Eduard''s eyes turned to Joanna.

    "It has been a long time, Dame Joanna. Or do you go by Lady Smed now?" he questioned.

    "Joanna is fine, your Majesty," she said. "I don''t deserve the noble titles I have."

    "Hmph. Still haven''t realized that your mother''s actions are not your own, I see. Well, no matter. I suppose it''s time to address the bull in the room," King Eduard stated.

    My father nodded.

    "Yes, your Majesty. It''s time to talk about our family''s finances," he said.

    "We can talk about that later. I mean bull in the room in a very literal sense."

    King Eduard the Defenestrator turned to Dr. Minos. He could no longer hide the look of confusion on his face.

    "There is a Minotaur in your courtyard," King Eduard said.

    "His name is Dr. Minos, your Majesty. He''s one of my retainers," I replied.

    A contemplative expression crossed the king''s face.

    "First, a dragon. Now, a minotaur."

    "Dr. Minos was first," I stated.

    King Eduard ignored that.

    "Are you some sort of monster tamer?" he asked.

    "I''m afraid not, your Majesty," I answered.

    There was a moment of silence.

    "Of course, you''re not going to elaborate," King Eduard muttered before sighing. "I honestly shouldn''t have even been surprised that you of all people have a minotaur in your retinue."

    He composed himself, the stoic look crossing his face once more.

    "Is there anything else I should know? Do you have any manticores, chimeras, maybe a pegasus or two?" King Eduard wondered.

    A memory flashed through my mind.

    "I have some rocks that used to be Western Deathworm eyes. I forgot to sell them, so you can buy them if you want," I said.

    "Oh, those are rare!" Queen Eleanor smiled. "I would like to buy some later after the war debts are paid off."

    "Thank you, you Majesty."

    King Eduard scanned the area once more. He looked like he was expecting something weird to jump out. Then, the monarch started walking towards the castle. We followed him.

    We arrived in my family''s solar. King Eduard took a seat.

    "Bring me the financial records," he said.

    Father did as commanded. King Eduard opened the records and looked at them. He passed out.

    "Eduard!" Eleanor shouted.

    "Your Majesty!" Father shouted.

    King Eduard jolted awake. Pure anger covered his face. He shouted so loud that the entire castle could hear it.

    "I''M GOING TO KILL THOSE POINTY-EARED BASTARDS!"

 Chapter 30: A New Plan: Volume 2 Beginning

    "Those dirty fucking high elves! I''ll shove their drugs up their asses! I''ll cut their tits off and make them eat them! I''ll throw them out windows!"

    King Eduard the Defenestrator had been ranting for the past half hour. His face seethed with rage and frustration. No one dared interrupt the monarch.

    Eduard slammed his fist against the table.

    "This is why I hate high elves! Why can''t they be more like sea elves or even dark elves?"

    "Frankly, I''m glad they aren''t like dark elves," D?¨¦??om said.

    King Eduard took deep breaths. After a few moments, he calmed down.

    "I can''t believe anyone, even the high elves, could take so many drugs. Count Blitzburg, you should have told me about this sooner," he stated.

    "Your Majesty, your orders were to handle the high elves for you," Father pointed out.

    "Yes. I suppose they were," regret crossed King Eduard''s face.

    I shifted nervously. His Majesty was fucking terrifying when he got pissed off. Finally, I found the courage to speak.

    "I did the numbers. The only way we can keep paying for their drugs with their current population growth and the possibility of another population boom is by making Blitzburg into a wealthy merchant city," I said.

    "And what is your progress on that?" King Eduard asked.

    I sighed, leaning against a wall. Tiredness flowed through me. And I don''t mean that I felt sleepy. It''s weird. I''d never even noticed it before, but this journey took a lot out of me.

    "Well, the merchants of Blitzburg have new financial recording techniques. We''re also going to get money from a play director. And I have a plan to make the world safe for merchants to travel. But all those are long-term plans. We''ll barely get enough money to survive in the next few months," I said.

    King Eduard''s face turned to one of contemplation.

    "Count Blitzburg, have you tried growing the drugs the high elves want?" he asked.

    "Yes, your Majesty. But I failed. They won''t grow in Greenriver''s climate. I had to have them imported," Father answered.

    "That explains why they cost so much, considering how dangerous travel is," I thought.

    King Eduard took a deep breath.

    "Sir Gustav, are you ready for a history lesson?" he questioned.

    "Always ready," I said.

    "Right now, the high elves are peaceful," King Eduard the Defenestrator stated. "But this wasn''t always to case. After the split between high elves and dark elves, the high elves ran out of their drug supply."

    "I know where this is going, and I hate it already," D?¨¦??om groaned.

    "Why?" I thought.

    "You''ll see," the god sighed.

    King Eduard continued.

    "The high elves raided surrounding lands. They stole whatever they could to buy drugs. Naturally, I crushed their raids on Greenrivers, but they''re a pain in the ass to deal with. I didn''t want to conquer them because that would mean I''d have to settle their disputes. So, I decided diplomacy was the best path. That''s when the arrangement with the Blitzburg family and the high elves was made."

    "What do the dark elves have to do with the high elves'' drug supply?" I asked.

    "Before the split, the high elves took magic mushrooms. These mushrooms could only be grown underground," King Eduard answered.

    "Are these mushrooms literally magical, or do they just call them that?" I wondered.

    "I''ve never looked into it before. It could be either," the monarch said.

    The King waved it off before continuing.

    "In any case, the dark elves no longer grow those mushrooms. But they still grow naturally in their caves. If we can set up a trade deal, either between the dark elves and the high elves or the dark elves and House Blitzburg, that should lessen the financial burden," King Eduard stated.

    "The problem is that the high elves and dark elves hate each other. They''re more likely to kill each other on sight than to engage in trade," Queen Eleanor added.

    "And the dark elves aren''t particularly fond of humans either. They don''t hate us, but they see us as not religious enough," her husband said.

    "I remember that time the Queen of the Dark Elves told you that you''re unfaithful to the gods. It was the strangest moment of my life."

    "Holy fuck! They think King Eduard isn''t religious enough?" I thought.

    "I''m just glad the dark elves don''t worship me. You''ve probably forgotten by now, but I told you before that the dark elves are creepy," D?¨¦??om said.

    "Yeah, you did. But why? Don''t gods like religious people?"

    "We do, but there''s religious people, there''s ultra-religious people, there''s fanatics, and then there''s the dark elves. You know how people find yandere'' disturbing?"

    "I do."

    "The dark elves are the religious versions of yanderes," D?¨¦??om stated.

    My body shivered. I could understand why D?¨¦??om didn''t want to have anything to do with them.

    A smile crossed King Eduard''s face.

    "However, we could use the religiousness of the dark elves to our advantage. While they don''t follow D?¨¦??om, they greatly respect saints," he said.

    "And we have a saint right here. Sir Gustav, perhaps you could negotiate a trade agreement with the dark elves? Not just for your family, but Greenrivers as a whole," Queen Eleanor added.

    "An excellent idea," King Eduard agreed. "Despite his young age, Sir Gustav has accomplished much."

    "I saw this coming, and I still hated hearing it," D?¨¦??om groaned.

    Nervousness flashed through me. My feudal superiors were sending me on a diplomatic mission! If I fucked this up, I was so fucked! I forced down my shaking. It was much easier than it was last time, but I was trying to stop a war back then. So...

    Kneeling before the monarchs, I spoke.

    "I would be honored to be your emissary to the dark elves, your Majesty."

    "Good. I will make arrangements. You will have everything a diplomat needs. Also, I would like for you to make a more thorough trade deal than just the mushrooms. Perhaps put some precious metals into the mix?"

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    "I will, your Majesty," I promised.

    "Excellent. Now, it''ll take about a week to get everything ready," King Eduard said.

    Oh, good. I had some time to prepare.

    "Your Majesty, Gustav is our son, and we want to support him too," Mother stated. "We''ll provide whatever we can."

    King Eduard contemplated things.

    "With your help, everything will be ready in two days."

    Well, fuck.

    "I have one request, your Majesty," I said.

    "And that would be?" he asked.

    "Allow me to introduce some financial ideas to the Underground Elves. I want to make sure we can trust their trade. If these go well there, perhaps you could consider implementing them in Greenrivers?"

    "Very well. You may," the monarch replied.

    The moment King Eduard left, I ran out into the courtyard with my retainers behind me. I spun to them so hard that it kicked up dirt.

    "I want to say fuck half a hundred times, but I want to keep what little dignity I have left," I said.

    "You have dignity?" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "No, but I don''t want anyone to know that I don''t," I thought.

    "What''s the problem?" Johannes questioned.

    "I don''t have long to train you two," I said. "You should at least know some combat magic before we start on our journey. So, we have two options. Either I can teach you how to throw ineffective fireballs that will burn out from wind force a few meters away from you, or I can teach you how to magically enhance your bodies the fast and painful way."

    Astrid smiled.

    "Body enhancement for me, please."

    "I''d like that too," Johannes nodded.

    I took a deep breath.

    "Are you sure about this? It''s going to hurt a lot," I told them.

    "I''m used to pain," Johannes assured me.

    "So am I," Astrid stated. "I knew that I''d go through a lot when I decided to become the world''s greatest swordfighter. I''m not backing down now."

    "Alright, then. So far, you''ve been practicing gathering magical power and controlling it. Start by gathering magical power above your hands," I said.

    "Didn''t you say that you can use a two-handed weapon and cast body enhancement spells?" Astrid asked.

    "You can, but it takes practice," I answered.

    She nodded. Then, Astrid and Johannes started gathering magical power above their hands. I turned to Joanna. My wet nurse was standing close to us.

    "Are you ready?" I questioned.

    "I am," Joanna said.

    Then, I turned to Astrid and Johannes. There was a great amount of magic power in their hands.

    "Concentrate on the power hard. Remember the training you did to contain the magic?" I asked.

    They nodded.

    "Do that except push it in one direction," I instructed.

    The magic in their hands slowly started moving, going a centimeter over the course of five minutes. I walked behind Johannes and Astrid. My gaze fixed on their hands.

    "Take that magical energy and ram it into your arm as hard and fast as you can."

    They focused even harder, their brows furrowing. Still, the magic moved very slowly. I grabbed their shoulders and yanked them back. The magical energy jolted backward with their bodies. Then, I pushed Astrid and Johannes forward, the magic flowing right into their arms.

    Blood sprayed everywhere as their limbs were pierced. Johannes and Astrid''s faces contorted with pain. Joanna ran over, casting a healing spell on them. Their wounds mended.

    "That pain was nothing," Astrid bragged.

    "Good," I said. "Because you''re going to go through it again."

    "W-What?"

    "The first step to enhancing your body with magic is quickly forcing magic inside of your bodies. This is the fastest way to learn how to. By pulling you back and pushing you forward, I''m showing you how the magic rolling over your body should feel. Remember that feeling when you move it," I stated.

    "H-How many times are we doing this?" Johannes asked.

    "Until you take less than a minute to get the magic inside. After that, we''ll focus on making it so it doesn''t hurt you," I answered.

    Astrid took a deep breath.

    "So be it," she said.

    Several hours later, she and Johannes were kneeling. They took heavy breaths.

    "Good job. You did better than I thought," I said.

    "How long did it take us the last time?" Astrid asked.

    "59 seconds. I thought it would take you both another hour to get that far," I answered.

    Johannes'' face turned contemplative.

    "A minute is a very long time in a fight. Are you sure less than a minute is good enough?" he questioned.

    "It should be for a start. Just stay back a bit when fights start," I said.

    "No! We''re not staying back!" Astrid declared. "Let''s keep going!"

    An hour and a half later, she and Johannes were lying on the ground.

    "30 seconds. That''s as good as we can get it for now," I said.

    Johannes sighed. Astrid groaned.

    "Can''t we do more?" she asked.

    "No. We need to move on to something else," I answered. "How much pain are you in?"

    "Joanna healed us. We shouldn''t be in any pain, but we are," Astrid said.

    Guilt flowed through me.

    "I''m sorry. I told you this would be painful, but we can stop if you don''t want to do this," I sighed.

    "I can keep going," Johannes stated.

    "So can I," Astrid added. "If we get in a fight, we''ll want to at least have some magic."

    I hesitated before speaking.

    "If you really want to continue, we will," I said.

    "Yes, please," Johannes replied.

    "What are we doing next?" Astrid asked.

    "Now, it''s time for the really painful part," I stated. "You need to absorb the magic as it enters your body."

    The two shivered.

    "Imagine the magical energy being absorbed into you like water going into the ground," I said.

    "Why can''t we imagine ourselves eating it? That sounds easier," Johannes replied.

    "It would be easier, but it''s also more dangerous."

    I pointed at the ground.

    "When water fills up dirt, any excess water doesn''t keep going into the dirt. It forms puddles on top of it. On the other hand, if you eat something, all of it goes into your body. Your body turns the excess food into fat. If you imagine your body absorbing magic like dirt absorbs water, you won''t bring in excess magic. You will if you imagine yourself eating it," I explained.

    Astrid breathed a sigh of relief.

    "Thank you for warning us, Gustav. I don''t want to get fat. It would slow me down," she said.

    I held up my hands.

    "Oh, sorry, I didn''t explain things right. You don''t get fat if you absorb too much magic."

    "Then what happens?" Astrid asked.

    "Whatever the magic gets absorbed in explodes into bloody chunks," I answered.

    She and Johannes shared a look of shock.

    "I didn''t think using magic was dangerous," he said.

    "It isn''t if you know what you''re doing. But it will be painful," I cautioned.

    "You said that before, and it didn''t stop us then! Bring on the pain!" Astrid declared.

    Several hours later, the two were lying on the ground once again. Their bodies trembled.

    "Why does it hurt more?" Johannes asked.

    "Because your nerves are the first part of your body the magic goes into," I answered. "It doesn''t do as much damage when you first absorb it, but there''s more pain."

    "Will it always be like this?"

    "No. When you get good enough, there won''t be any pain," I said.

    Then, I looked over the two.

    "You''re doing a good job of absorbing it. Tomorrow, we''ll work on actually enhancing your bodies," I told them.

    "And here I was hoping that I could teach you wind magic sometime soon," Joanna sighed.

    Dr. Minos raised his hand.

    "What is it?" I asked.

    He made a cow noise.

    "I guess that''ll be fine," I said.

    "I''m interested in that too," Joanna nodded.

    "What did he say?" Johannes questioned.

    I grabbed a stick and started drawing on the ground.

    "You remember how I asked his Majesty to let me introduce financial concepts to the dark elves?"

    "Yes."

    "Dr. Minos wants to know what those concepts are," I said.

    "Can we hear them too?" excitement flowed through Astrid.

    I nodded.

    "I''ll tell everyone," I stated. "So, first, let me ask you a question: how do you know if a guild is doing well?"

    "I''ve never been to many guilds before," Astrid admitted.

    Joanna stood up and walked over. Dr. Minos joined her.

    "Typically, people judge how well guilds do by the number of members, the quality of the products, and the customers," my wet nurse explained.

    I nodded.

    "That''s how they do it in this world. But what if the guild''s members are spending too much money? How can you know that?" I asked.

    "You''d have to inspect their records, but normal people don''t have access to those," Joanna answered.

    "Exactly."

    I had drawn a graph with a line going high before plunging down.

    "In my old world, there was something called the Great Depression. It started in a place called America when something called the Stock Market crashed. Basically, it was a place where people could buy stock, which meant they were one of the company''s owners. One of the ideas behind stock was that you''d buy it, the price rose, and then you''d sell it when the price got higher," I explained.

    Dr. Minos made a bull noise.

    "It sounds like a great deal, and a lot of people thought the same thing. Pretty much everyone was involved in the stock market. Imagine if even the lowest of serfs and poor children were buying parts of companies," I said.

    Shock came over everyone''s faces.

    "Even serfs?" Astrid asked.

    "No country in my world had serfs at that point, but it should give you an idea of just how common trading in the stock market was," I answered.

    "That''s too many people," Joanna stated.

    "You''re right that it was," I said. "Too many people tried to sell their stock at once. This caused the price of stock to drop. Then, you had people who paid a lot of money for stock, money that they couldn''t get back. Worse still, some people took out loans to buy stock. I think you can imagine what happened next."

    My wet nurse shivered. Looks of dread crossed Astrid and Johannes'' faces. Dr. Minos trembled.

    "The economy was ruined?" Joanna asked.

    "That''s an understatement, but yes. It started in the United States, but it spread to other places, including my homeland. After the crash, the United States government wanted to make sure it didn''t happen again. The crash had a lot of causes. The cause that''s most relevant to us is that people had trouble comparing one company on the stock market to the others. So, they required the companies to release certain information in the same format as the other companies. This information is released in things called financial statements."

    I smiled.

    "And my homeland has its own version of the financial statements."

 Chapter 31: The Financial Statements, IFRS Edition

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 Chapter 32: Traveling to the Caverns

    The caravan was magnificent. It stretched half as far as the city of Blitzburg was long. Purple curtains hung in the windows of the carriages. Banners of the royal family, the House of Blitzburg, and the various knights guarding the caravan flew overhead.

    As for the guards, they were a mix of knights, halberdiers, and crossbowmen. Every single one of them was clad in highly decorated shining armor.

    Numerous servants joined them along with a host of priests. Countless holy symbols decorated the carriages. Every single person wore something connected to a god.

    I stood to the side of the caravan with my retinue. It had just arrived, and we were taking the sight of it in.

    "This is...is..." I struggled to find the words.

    "A lot?" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "Yeah, a lot," I answered. "I don''t think I deserve something as grand as this."

    Joanna sighed.

    "You are the envoy of his Majesty, an official diplomat to the Dark Elves. His Majesty no doubt wants you to make as big an impression as possible," she said.

    "I know that. The caravan is so big and decorated to demonstrate His Majesty''s wealth and power. That way, the Dark Elves will think twice before doing anything hostile. The religious symbols are to appease the Dark Elves so they''ll be more friendly to us," I stated.

    "Don''t forget all the guards here. King Eduard doesn''t want any monsters to get in the way of this mission," D?¨¦??om replied.

    I nodded.

    "And there are all these guards too. I''m just not sure why he''s bothering with all this for the son of a count."

    A horse galloped over to us. On top of it was a man clad head to toe in shining plate armor. He had a surcoat over it with the image of a bipedal red lion with a ball of fire in one hand and a sword in the other. A cloak adorned his back. The man dismounted and approached me. When he stopped, he said nothing.

    "Go ahead and speak," I said.

    "You have a minotaur with you, so you must be Saint Sir Gustav, lord von Blitzburg," the man stated.

    "His name is Dr. Asterios Minos. And yes, I am."

    "I see. My name is Sir Wilhelm von Stenkarr. I am one of His Majesty Eduard the Defenestrator''s knights. I am in charge of the security of this expedition. I''m truly honored to meet you, Saint Gustav," he introduced himself.

    "I''m honored to meet you too," I stated.

    Then, I swept my arm towards my retainers.

    "These are Joanna, Sir Johannes, and Dame Astrid. Joanna''s a knight too, but she doesn''t use her honorific."

    Sir Wilhelm pulled up his visor. There was a wide smile on his face. Then, an awkward expression crossed his brown eyes.

    "Saint Gustav, I also have something strange but necessary to give you," he said.

    "What is it?" I asked.

    The knight reached into the folds of his cloak. He pulled out a jar of toenail clippings and handed it to me. I took them.

    "Thanks?" I said.

    "Tell the Dark Elves these are D?¨¦??om''s toenail clippings," Sir Wilhelm instructed. "It''ll make them respect you more."

    Well, that was fucking disturbing.

    "Now do you see why the dark elves are fucking creepy? We gods don''t even need to clip our toenails!" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "I see why. I don''t see how you gods can stand them," I thought.

    "Most of us avoid them unless we have no other choice. The Dark Elves don''t have any saints."

    "Why don''t you ask them to dial things back?"

    "Some gods tried, but the Dark Elves thought they were testing their faith. Then, the Dark Elves doubled down," D?¨¦??om said.

    "So, the gods they worship are stuck with them?"

    "Pretty much."

    Sir Wilhelm surveyed my retainers before turning back to me.

    "If you have any questions, feel free to ask," he said.

    Johannes tapped my shoulder. I turned to him, and he pointed back at Astrid. She was shifting with a mixture of nervousness and excitement. Nodding to Johannes, I addressed her.

    "Astrid, go ahead and ask whatever you want."

    Her nervousness ended, and a wide smile crossed her face.

    "Sir Wilhelm, is it true that you defeated the Knight of Roses in a sword fight?" she asked.

    "What? Where do people get that idea from?" he wondered. "It isn''t true. I fought him in a magical battle. We never even drew our swords."

    "Was it a wizard''s duel?"

    "No. It wasn''t. It was just a magic fight."

    "What about Sir Humphry of the Marshes? Was that a sword fight? Or what about the 12 mercenaries of the Western border?" Astrid was fangirling all over the place.

    Now, Johannes looked nervous.

    "Astrid, are you okay?" he asked.

    She held up her hands in a placating gesture.

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    "It''s fine, Johannes, you don''t have to feel inadequate. I''m not interested in Sir Wilhelm, and I wouldn''t be regardless of circumstances," she answered.

    "That''s not the issue. I don''t want you to try to duel someone who you don''t stand a chance against," he said.

    Astrid gave him a warm smile.

    "You don''t have to worry about that either, Johannes. I''m not going to duel my cousin."

    Everyone''s jaws dropped. Sir Wilhelm was the most surprised of everyone.

    "I''m your cousin?" he asked.

    "Yes," Astrid answered.

    "How? I''ve never heard of anyone named Astrid!"

    "I apologize for not introducing myself," she said and curtsied. "My full name is Dame Astrid Cobbler. My father is the former Duke Bissy of Motteburh. I''m his bastard daughter."

    "That explains it. My mother''s the former Duke Bissy''s sister, and my paternal grandmother was his cousin," Sir Wilhelm said.

    A great sense of disgust welled up in me.

    "Excuse me a moment," I said.

    I walked behind a wall and screamed as loud as I could. Then, I came back out.

    "Alright, I''m good now," I stated.

    "Are you really?" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "I''m as good as I can be," I thought.

    "Gustav, are you okay?" Joanna asked.

    Everyone was looking at me with concern on their faces.

    "I''m okay. I''m just trying to wash the incest from my brain," I said.

    Sir Wilhelm glared and shook with anger.

    "Please do not accuse my family of incest," he stated. "We never marry our siblings, only our cousins."

    "Excuse me again," I spoke.

    Once again, I walked behind the wall and screamed as loud as I could. When I returned, everyone was even more concerned.

    "Please never mention sibling marriage again," I said.

    "Of course, Saint Gustav," Sir Wilhelm replied.

    A look of confusion crossed Joanna''s face.

    "Why are you reacting this way? Count and Countess von Blitzburg are first cousins," she stated.

    "Please don''t remind me," I put my head in my hands.

    "It could be worse. Your grandparents could have been cousins too," D?¨¦??om chuckled.

    "You''re right, D?¨¦??om. It could have been much, much worse. At least I don''t have any inbreeding deformities."

    Then, I realized something.

    "Please tell me that we don''t have to go through the High Elf lands to get to the Dark Elves," I said.

    "Don''t worry, Saint Gustav," Sir Wilhelm replied. "There are many entrances to their underground kingdoms. We''re going to one that''s two counties North of your family''s lands. In fact, going to the Dark Elves through High Elves lands would damage our diplomatic mission."

    I nodded.

    "That''s good," I said.

    Then, I turned to my wet nurse.

    "Joanna, did you remember to give my parents the instructions?"

    "I did. Handed it right to them," she replied.

    "Good. I''m sorry that you had to do it instead of me," I said.

    "It''s fine," Joanna stated. "You were busy preparing for this trip."

    A look of curiosity crossed Sir Wilhelm''s face.

    "What sort of instructions?" he asked.

    "Cinnamon might show up while I''m gone," I answered.

    "And who is that?"

    "A business partner of mine," I explained. "We''re starting a new type of company together."

    Sir Wilhelm pondered.

    "Cinnamon is an unusual name. Is he a foreigner?" he wondered.

    "Yes. He''s from the Northlands. He''s also a dragon," I said.

    A look of excitement crossed Sir Wilhelm''s face.

    "Hold on! Is Cinnamon the dragon you road to the Battle of the Three and a Half Armies?" he asked.

    "Yes. I''m surprised you know about that," I answered.

    "How could I not?" Sir Wilhelm said. "It''s all anyone at court talks about! Ever since His Majesty returned from battle, everyone''s been obsessed with the saint who tamed a dragon!"

    Now, it was my turn to be shocked.

    "What? Really?" I wondered.

    "Of course! Do you have any idea what you accomplished?" Sir Wilhelm asked.

    "I do. I was there," I answered with a hint of sarcasm.

    Sir Wilhelm waved his arms around frantically.

    "No! No! I meant, do you have any idea how big an achievement that is?" he stated.

    "It isn''t that big," I said.

    Sir Wilhelm chuckled.

    "I see. You''re being modest, Saint Gustav," he smiled warmly.

    "Gustav isn''t being modest," Joanna stated.

    The knight''s jaw dropped.

    "He isn''t being modest?"

    "No," Joanna said. "As smart as Gustav is, he has no self-awareness."

    "What do you mean? I have plenty of self-awareness," I replied.

    D?¨¦??om groaned.

    "No, you don''t," he said.

    "How do I not? I know exactly what I am," I thought.

    "And what are you?"

    "I''m a perfectly normal accountant who reincarnated into another world, became a saint, and then desperately rushed around, trying to solve my family''s financial crisis."

    "Everything you said is accurate except for being normal," D?¨¦??om replied. "But it isn''t the full picture."

    I shrugged.

    "So what if it isn''t? I''m still self-aware."

    D?¨¦??om groaned. Sir Wilhelm shook his head in disbelief.

    "No, there''s no way a saint of all people isn''t self-aware. I mean, you surely must know how much you''ve accomplished, right?" the knight asked.

    "I stopped a war, but any diplomat could do that, really," I answered.

    Sir Wilhelm facepalmed. A pained look crossed his face.

    "This is one of the most powerful men in Greenrivers," he said.

    "I''m not that powerful. I''m just a count''s son," I stated. "Sure, I''m also a saint. But that just ups my social status to that of a duke, and only among really religious people."

    Sir Wilhelm sighed so long and deep that I thought his lungs would run out of air.

    "Let''s just get moving. You have everything ready to go, right?" he asked.

    "I do," I answered.

    With that, the caravan set off. My retainers and I rode on horses at the front of it. Dr. Minos was the exception. He was too big to mount a horse without crushing it. So, Dr. Minos had to sit on a carriage instead.

    We rode over rolling green hills, across bridges, and through quaint towns. Every settlement, no matter how small, had a wall around it. Occasionally, we came across groups of adventurers traveling through the wilderness. They were the only travelers we met.

    We came upon a great bridge after some time traveling. just as the caravan reached its edge, a great roar split the air. The horses bucked up. I struggled to stay on as they were overtaken with panic.

    Then, a hand the size of a greatsword reached over the side of the bridge. The horses stopped moving. Their eyes were glazed over, their bodies frozen with fear.

    The hand pulled up a great creature the size of a carriage. It had a large hunched back covered in moss. Tusks stuck out of the monster''s gaping maw. There was a sadistic malice in its beady eyes.

    "Halt, travelers!" it shouted. "I am the troll of this bridge! And I''m very hungry for man-flesh!"

    I turned to Johannes.

    "Can we take this thing?" I asked.

    "Yes, but people on this caravan would die in the fight," he answered. "But we won''t have to fight it. Trolls are honorable monsters. They''ll let anyone who can beat them in a riddle contest pass unharmed."

    Then, Johannes whispered in my ear.

    "Trolls are also stupid. Beating them in a riddle contest isn''t hard," he said.

    Sir Wilhelm turned to Johannes.

    "Impressive. I didn''t expect you to know that," the former stated.

    Then, Sir Wilhelm addressed the troll.

    "Tell us your riddle, troll," he said.

    The monster laughed.

    "Alright, little human. If you think you can defeat me in a riddle contest, I accept your challenge! Here''s my riddle! Listen carefully. I''m only gonna say this once: what is 1+1."

    "Wow! I didn''t expect trolls to be this fucking stupid," I thought.

    "I don''t think anyone would," D?¨¦??om replied.

    Sir Wilhelm crossed his arms smugly.

    "1+1 is 2," he said.

    "That was a hard riddle. You are very smart," the troll stated. "It''s your turn."

    I smiled.

    "I''ll handle this," I said.

    "You''re going to fuck with the troll, right?" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "Of course, I am," I thought.

    Then, I projected my voice as loud as I could.

    "Here is our riddle: seven fish make a wish. The first asks for his favorite dish. The second fish becomes the dish. The third fish asks for flesh. The fourth fish is cut up in a brutish way. The fifth fish asks for squash. The sixth fish is mashed by an elephant. The seventh fish wishes for fish, and seven more fish appear to make their wish."

    I pointed a finger into the air for emphasis.

    "Out of all the living fish who made a wish, which one is homosexual?"

    Sir Wilhelm looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind. D?¨¦??om burst out laughing. The troll scratched his head.

    "I don''t know," it said. "You may pass."

    The troll leaped off the side of the bridge, splashing into the water below. After that, the caravan safely crossed. Johannes approached me when we were out of earshot of the troll.

    "So, which fish was gay?" he asked.

    "I don''t know," I answered.

    "You don''t?" he looked confused.

    "Yes."

    "You asked a riddle that you don''t know the answer to?" Sir Wilhelm groaned.

    "It wasn''t a riddle," I said. "It was some random crap I made up on the spot."

 Chapter 33: The Dark Elves

    We stood before a massive cave entrance. Spikes jutted from the top like the teeth of some massive monster. The darkness was so deep that it looked like the empty void of space.

    "That darkness is so thick that it looks like you could cut through it with a sword," Astrid muttered under her breath.

    "Not the analogy I would use, but I approve," I said.

    Sir Wilhelm then rode over and cut the darkness with his sword. A thin line formed in it, light leaking in. Shock hit me like a hurricane.

    "I didn''t know darkness could literally get that thick," I stated.

    "I didn''t either," Astrid replied.

    "It''s magical darkness," Sir Wilhelm explained. "And I''m not literally cutting through it. My sword is enchanted so it''ll act like a key."

    D?¨¦??om''s voice came into my head.

    "That reminds me of something," he said.

    "Me too. Those weird pistol keys they made for prison guards from the 16 to 1800s," I thought.

    "I meant a certain game series."

    "Wow. You really are the God of Exposition. I didn''t think you knew about that weird stuff my high school gamemaster came up with."

    D?¨¦??om sighed.

    "Are you trolling me again?" he asked.

    "No, but I think my high school GM was trolling the rest of us. His adventure was pretty weird. I mean, he had a GMPC that was a talking dog with the face of a hippo. Who comes up with that crap?" I wondered.

    "I don''t know whether I should be thankful or disappointed that you don''t know what I''m talking about," D?¨¦??om said.

    While I was talking to a god, Sir Wilhelm turned his sword. The deeper darkness disappeared. It was replaced with normal, mundane darkness. Then, the knight turned to us.

    "I''m going to cast a spell now. It''ll let all of us see in the darkness just fine while protecting our eyes from...well, you''ll see," Sir Wilhelm stated.

    He raised his hands to the sky, and a white light washed over us. I could see the inside of the cave clear as day. It was a perfectly normal cave, just a really large one.

    "Well, that''s disappointing," I thought.

    "Good. Maybe that''ll encourage you to get this deal made sooner. The sooner we''re done with the Dark Elves, the better," D?¨¦??om said.

    Sir Wilhelm rode forward, moving with a few guards with the rest of us behind him. Our horses moved over the stone floor of the cave. I took a look behind us as we moved. The tunnel was more than large enough to fit our horses and carriages in.

    We rode down a gradual slope. It felt a bit surreal, going slowly down far below the sun. A giant centipede crawled on a cave wall, feasting on a lizard. I had never been in a cave before, and even though Sir Wilhelm''s spell made it so I could see just fine, it still creeped me out. Then, I saw a pond filled with fish with transparent skin. I could see some of their organs.

    "I think Sir Wilhelm''s spell just made things worse," I thought.

    "You''ll see more animals like these," D?¨¦??om said.

    "Oh, fuck."

    "In your old world, they were called troglobites. It means an animal that only lives in caves. That centipede was a troglobite too even though it looked like a normal centipede. In your old world, most troglobites are completely harmless."

    "But I live in a place with monsters," I thought.

    We turned around a sharp corner, and there was a sudden flash of light as a wave of heat washed over me. If Sir Wilhelm hadn''t cast that spell, my eyes would have felt like they were on fire.

    There was a large stone wall in front of us. A massive glowing crystal hung from the cavern ceiling above it.

    "D?¨¦??om, what is that?" I thought.

    "I don''t know. I''m the god of exposition, but I never looked into the Dark Elves. I''m sorry, but I can''t help you here," he said.

    Fuck.

    "That''s fine. You''ve already done more than enough," I thought.

    My eyes turned to the top of the wall. A group of figures in mail armor stood on top of it. Most of them had longbows ready to draw back, but a few pointed open hands at us. They were all women with grey or pitch-black skin. The girl in the most decorated armor called out.

    "Who goes here?" she asked.

    Sir Wilhelm turned to me and nodded. I rode forward. Then, I took a deep breath before speaking.

    "I am Saint Sir Gustav, Lord von Blitzburg. I am a Saint of D?¨¦??om, the God of Humanity. I am here on a diplomatic mission from His Majesty, King Eduard the Defenestrater of Greenrivers. I humbly request a meeting with your queen," I called out.

    There was a commotion on the parapets. The woman in the decorated armor walked out of view. Then, a section of the wall disappeared, revealing a gate. It opened wide.

    The decorated woman walked out of it. She was flanked by a grand procession of guards carrying spears. Sir Wilhelm rode forward and handed her a letter. Opening it, the girl examined its contents.

    Then, she turned to me. The woman took off her helmet, revealing pointed ears and pure white hair, and knelt before me. Her guards did the same. A moment of silence passed before I realized what they were looking for.

    "You may speak," I told her before thinking. "I need to remember how religious the Dark Elves are. To religious humans, saints might as well be dukes if we''re talking about social status. And Dark Elves apparently make them look like atheists."

    "Praise thee, Saint Gustav! Though D?¨¦??om is not one of our gods, all saints are welcome amongst us Dark Elves," the woman said.

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    "Thank you. What''s your name?" I replied.

    "I art Barsom Kless kru Shack. In thine tongue, it translates to Baroness Carrie of the Shack, a crude surname from mine High Elf ancestors."

    "How the fuck does Kless translate to Carrie?" I thought.

    D?¨¦??om sighed.

    "I have no fucking idea," he said.

    After thinking fast, I spoke.

    "I wish to address you by your native name. Should I call you Barsom Shack, Barsom Kless, or something else?" I asked.

    "Just Kless wouldst be fine. I am unworthy of a saint saying mine title," she answered.

    "Alright. Kless it is, then."

    Then, I pulled out the jar of toenail clippings.

    "These are D?¨¦??om''s toenail clippings," I lied. "I hope that they will be safe here. Who knows what kind of sick bastard would want to steal these?"

    Kless jumped up, clapping her hands in joy. An ear-to-ear grin formed on her face.

    "Oh, happy days! To think, I''d meet a human who ist mildly religious! Most of thine kind lack appreciation for the gods," she said.

    The Dark Elf reached into her robes and pulled out a jar of something white. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that it was not a liquid.

    "Thou needst not worry, Saint Gustav. No one wouldst steal from a saint, and thou art amongst kindred spirits here," Kless said. "This ist a jar of H?¨¦yos'' dandruff. In mine fortress, I also hath shoes made from H?r??s foreskin and a pool filled with Nakki''s bathwater."

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I thought.

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" D?¨¦??om joined my internal screaming.

    Kless smiled.

    "Perhaps thou wouldst wish to join me in mine pool later?" she asked.

    "Please say no. Tell her that I''m having an argument with Nakki," D?¨¦??om said.

    I took a bow.

    "I''m afraid I must humbly refuse. D?¨¦??om is in a dispute with Nakki, and he doesn''t want me to go into the pool," I stated.

    "''tis a shame, but we must respect the will of the gods," Kless said. "But Her Majesty hast a pool filled with Nakki and Zahhia''s bathwater from whenst they take baths together."

    A dreaded thought came to me.

    "D?¨¦??om, who''s Zahhia?" I asked.

    "Nakki''s husband," he answered.

    "Please tell me it isn''t really their bath water, that it''s just normal water and someone''s ripping off the Dark Elves."

    "I don''t know. And frankly, I don''t want to know," D?¨¦??om said.

    Using all of my willpower, I pretended to go from happy to sad and disappointed.

    "Maybe another time. As much as I''d love to swim in the bathwater of the gods, I am here on business from my king. I don''t think I''ll have time for that," I stated.

    "Mayhaps, and mayhaps not," Kless replied. "It depends on the will of our queen. I hath a place where thou canst stay while waiting for Her Majesty''s acceptance of thine audience."

    I gave her my best smile.

    "Thank you. Where is this place?" I asked.

    "''tis our temple of all the gods. Even gods we Dark Elves doth not worship art there for the sake of travelers. Thine compansions shall stay in the grand hall of mine own castle, but I art certain a saint such as thineself would prefer to sleep in a temple," Kless answered.

    "I would be honored to sleep there," I said.

    "Then I shall guide thee."

    With that, Kless led us through the gate and into a city. It was about half the size of Blitzburg, but most of the buildings were entirely made of stone. Some of them were even carved into the cave walls. I''d say about 10% of the structures had any wood in them.

    "Woobong ist a wealthy city. Wood ist rare in these lands. Normally, only nobles hath houses of wood. But here, even wealthy merchants own wooden houses," Kless explained.

    Most of these ''wooden houses'' had only 1 thing made of wood. Like, a single porch or part of the roof. Almost none were made entirely out of wood.

    Aside from the wood, there was a surprising amount of color in the city. Numerous buildings were decorated with gold, silver, and other metals. Various glowing crystals washed districts of Woobong in different colors of light. Every single Dark Elf I saw wore some sort of jewelry. I noticed that the men wore more jewels than the women did.

    Then, my attention focused on the crystals. Even with Sir Wilhelm''s spell, I could tell they were incredibly bright. There were also a lot of them scattered across the city. They weren''t as common as street lights, but they lit far more.

    "D?¨¦??om, I think I figured out why the Dark Elves have dark skin even though they live in caves," I thought.

    "Could you tell someone else? I don''t want to think about them," D?¨¦??om said.

    "Does anyone here know what UV radiation is?"

    "They don''t."

    The god sounded interested.

    "Go on," he said.

    "Maybe those crystals produce ultraviolet radiation? It''s what causes skin to tan, and darker skin evolved in humans to protect the skin from UV radiation in areas with particularly harsh sunlight. Maybe the Dark Elves'' skin color is to protect them from these crystals?" I thought.

    "That''s an interesting theory. Considering how there don''t seem to be any other sources of light down here, you''re probably right," D?¨¦??om stated.

    We arrived at a massive building that stretched all the way to the cave roof. It was made of wood, painted in dozens of different colors, and had images of various gods carved into its exterior. The structure had a massive door, decorated with numerous images of gods doing god things like creating the world.

    "This ist the temple of all gods. There ist not a single stone in it," Kless bragged.

    "It must have cost a lot to make," I said.

    "The cost is of no concern. For the honor of the gods, nothing ist too great. If the gods wished it, I wouldst keep a vigilant eye on them at all times. Mine gaze wouldst not stray, even when they were''t sleeping," she replied.

    "I think that''s what you want, not the gods," I thought.

    "I agree," D?¨¦??om said.

    Still, I gave Kless a warm smile.

    "If only everyone was as devoted to the gods as you are," I told her.

    She bowed.

    "To hear such words of praise from a saint honors me. Being amongst humans must hath been truly frustrating for thee."

    "Most humans simply don''t think about gods the way Dark Elves do," I said.

    "Still, humans such as thineself are a credit to thine kind," Kless said.

    I groaned internally.

    "D?¨¦??om, you''re not the only one hoping that we can get this over with soon," I thought.

    "Good," he replied.

    Kless knocked on the door of the temple. It opened, and several priestesses stepped outside. She spoke to them in the Dark Elf language. The priestesses looked at me with awe.

    "Please, come into our temple. We''d be honored if thou stayst the night here," one of them said.

    I stepped inside. The interior of the temple was a network of hallways, rooms, and corridors. It reminded me of an ant colony. Some ways went up, others down. Trying to figure out where I was drove me crazy.

    Most of the rooms were devoted to a single god. Some were to multiple gods. There was always a state made of wood depicting the deity or deities in question.

    The halls were decorated with paintings of various gods. There wasn''t a single place that didn''t have an image of some deity or other. Even the floor was decorated with images of the divine. We passed by a bathroom, and the toilet was made to look like the god of raw sewage.

    "Thou dost not needeth to worry about damaging the images, Saint Gustav. This temple ist protected by powerful magic," a priestess assured me.

    Honestly, as much as the Dark Elves creeped me out, I was genuinely impressed. I''ve been to the Holy See of this world and its equivalent in my old world, and neither was this filled with pictures of their religion.

    "I don''t think humans are capable of this level of devotion," I thought.

    "Creepy stalkers are," D?¨¦??om replied.

    "I''m not sure about that. I haven''t heard of any stalkers that went this far."

    The priestesses stopped and knelt down. Then, they stood up.

    "What was that?" I asked.

    "That wast our 501st prayer," one of them answered. "We must pray at least 1,000 times a day. Dost not worry, Saint Gustav. We don''t expect the same of laywomen. They only hath to pray 300 times a day."

    "How the fuck do they get anything done?" I thought.

    "I have no idea," D?¨¦??om groaned.

    Then, the priests stopped.

    "Here we art," one of them pointed into a room. "The shrine of D?¨¦??om. Thou must be ecstatic to sleep here."

    I looked inside. The room had no furniture except for a wooden idol of D?¨¦??om.

    "This is truly wonderful! I''m honored to sleep in a place as devoted to the gods as this," I lied.

    "Then, we shall leave thee to sleep. ''tis late, and we shall wake thee in the morrow," the priestess said.

    "I have one small request. Do you have a blanket I could use?" I asked.

    "Thou couldst use mine blanket. ''tis made of the shavings from Krewh''s hair," she stated.

    Fuuuuuuuu...

    Wait, why am I surprised? Why didn''t I expect this sort of crap?

    "I could never deprive you of that," I said. "I''ll sleep without a blanket tonight."

    The priestess shook her head.

    "There ist no need for being too generous, Saint Gustav. As a priestess, I couldst never allow a saint to sleep without at least a blanket. Mine honor dependth upon it," she stated.

    And that''s how I was talked into wearing a blanket allegedly made of god hair.

 Chapter 34: Dinner With Dark Elves

    I woke up with an aching back and chaffed front. Sleeping on a hard wood floor didn''t do my body any favors, and I had trouble getting to sleep because...well, it''s just a small issue. Nothing too big. It''s just that...

    THOSE FUCKING PRIESTESSES INSISTED ON WATCHING SLEEP!

    Sure, I slept in the same bed as my entire household. But having someone stand over you and watch you sleep is very different than that.

    "Good morrow, Saint Gustav. Didst thou sleep well?" a dark elf priestess asked.

    "I slept incredibly well," I answered.

    "Remember, Gustav, you''re here on a diplomatic mission. You need to do as much ass-kissing as possible," I thought.

    The priestesses smiled.

    "''tis good to know. We shall ensure that thou sleeps in this temple so long as thou art in our city."

    I needed to get out of this city as soon as possible.

    "Speaking of that, how long do you think it''ll take for your queen to accept my audience? It should just be a crystal ball call and some paperwork, right?" I asked.

    "Oh, there art no crystal balls down here. The magic reception ist horrible," a priestess said.

    What the fuck? Magic reception is a thing?

    "D?¨¦??om, what the fuck is magic reception?" I thought.

    "It''s not a thing," he replied. "The Dark Elves just don''t think anyone should have crystal balls. Those priestesses are trying to get you to not use yours in a way that wouldn''t offend you."

    I suppressed a groan. I also stopped myself from facepalming and avoided pinching the bridge of my nose.

    "I understand. It''s a shame that I can''t use my crystal ball down here. I''ll just have to make do without it," I said.

    A priestess nodded.

    "We apologize for the inconvenience, Saint Gustav. But we hath no doubt that our lady hast sent her fastest runner to Her Majesty," she assured me.

    "You don''t have cavalry?" I asked.

    The priestess shook her head.

    "We doth not. The wide tunnels thou seest here art the exceptions. Most of the tunnels art too narrow to even use a spear. We hath to use magic to transport goods to the deeper cities."

    I struggled to suppress a smile.

    "Could you use magic to get me there?" I questioned.

    "Thou wouldst hath to ask our lady," the priestess replied.

    Then, a Dark Elf woman with gray skin, short hair, and unadorned robes entered the room. She stood in silence.

    "You may speak," I told her.

    "I see thou art awake, Saint Gustav," she said.

    "I am," I replied.

    The Dark Elf placed a hand over her chest.

    "Truly, I art honored to meet a saint such as thineself."

    "I''m honored to meet you too," I stated. "What''s your name?"

    "There ist no need for that. I art not worthy to bask in thine greatness. I am merely here to inform thee that mine lady, Barsom Kless kru Shack, hast invited thee to her morning feast," she said.

    "I still should know your name. What will I call you otherwise?"

    "Call me thine humble servant."

    I nodded, deciding to mess with her a bit.

    "Alright, thine humble servant. Escort me there," I ordered.

    "Gladly," the woman bowed.

    Thine humble servant stopped to pray three times before we got out of the church. The moment we were finally outside, we were swarmed by a crowd of Dark Elf men and women.

    "A saint!" one of them smiled. "A saint ist here."

    "O'' blessed days!" another said.

    "Canst I hath some of thine hair? Perhaps some fingernail clippings?" a third asked.

    The Dark Elf escorting me stopped to pray, prompting the others to do the same. Then, they went right back to it.

    "Dost thou hath any scab remains I couldst take?"

    "Can thou bless mine newborn child?"

    "Marry mine daughter and join mine family! She ist only 103, but thou canst wait another century, can thou not?"

    I gave thine humble servant a look that said, "Help me!"

    She chuckled.

    "There ist no reason to be apprehensive, Saint Gustav. They merely wish to bask in thine glory," thine humble servant stated.

    "I know that, but I have an appointment. I don''t want to disappoint your lady by being late," I replied.

    Thine humble servant waved it off.

    "Thou dost not need to worry, Saint Gustav. She ist well aware that the city celebrates thine coming."

    Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

    Two hours later, I was finally, finally, finally in Kless'' castle. Though, it wasn''t a castle in conventional terms. Kless'' home was carved into the walls of the cavern. Everything, from the outer walls to the innermost chambers, was once part of a cave wall.

    That being said, there were some additions. The floors were made of polished marble. Wood planks were bent to surround stone pillars. This gave it the illusion that it was made of wood, thus increasing Kless'' social status, without lessening its structural integrity.

    Numerous statues and images of various gods covered the castle. There weren''t as many as in the temple, but it was still a lot.

    And, of course, my escort stopped to pray constantly. She had to get in her 300 daily prayers somehow, after all.

    "The Dark Elves make Crusaders look like atheists," I thought.

    "That''s underselling things," D?¨¦??om replied.

    Eventually, I was escorted to the dining room everyone was. They were seated on wooden chairs around a table made of marble. My retainers had tired looks on their faces. Joanna breathed a sigh of relief when she saw me. Kless stood up.

    "You may speak," I said.

    "Thou hast arrived earlier than expected," she replied. "Please, take a seat and feast upon thine food."

    I sat next to Joanna and looked at the meal. It was mushrooms as well as meat from some sort of animal wrapped in what looked like lizard skin. The moment I touched it, a chill ran up my hand. I pulled my limb back so fast that it was a blur.

    "Is something wrong?" Kless asked.

    It took all my effort to suppress a groan. And somehow, it took even more effort to think of a way to put things diplomatically.

    "The food''s a bit chilly," I said.

    "We were''t waiting for thine arrival," Kless explained. "No one shouldst eat before the saint."

    My eye twitched.

    "You knew that it would take me a while to get through the crowds, right?" I asked.

    "Indeed. I told thine companions the same," Kless answered.

    I wanted to bash my head against a stone wall until my brains splattered all over it.

    "Then why didn''t you just wait to cook the food?" my eye twitched.

    "If thou arrived later than expected, thou wouldst hath to wait for the food. ''tis rude to keep a saint waiting," she said.

    It''s amazing how much effort it takes to avoid facepalming sometimes.

    "Ist the food not to thine liking?" Kless questioned.

    I jabbed it with a knife. The utensile bent when it hit the ice-cold lizard skin.

    "I''d prefer it if it was a bit warmer," I said.

    "Allow me to handle this posthaste," the Dark Elf replied.

    Kless stood up and blasted the food with a wave of fire. The meal was so charred that it was darker than her. I poked it with my knife, causing it to disintegrate upon contact.

    "D?¨¦??om, do elves understand sarcasm?" I thought.

    "They don''t," he replied.

    "Thank you," I said sarcastically. "This is much better."

    Kless smiled.

    "I art happy to see that thou art pleased, Saint Gustav."

    Because I wanted to avoid offending the Dark Elves, I...wait, why the fuck am I worried about offending them? They want to go out of their way to make me happy! I''m a literal fucking saint, and they''re so religious that even gods think they''re going too far.

    I smiled widely.

    "Gustav, I don''t like the look you''re making," D?¨¦??om said.

    "Don''t worry. I know what I''m doing," I thought.

    "I hope so."

    With a smile, I put some of the ash in my mouth. My retinue wasn''t even mildly shocked. The ash tasted like absolute shit. However, I forced myself to not show any negative reaction to it.

    "This is good, but I miss my home of Greenrivers," I said. "Do you think you could make a Greenrivers dish?"

    Kless looked like she''d literally bounce off the walls from sheer joy.

    "I art truly honored to accept this task from a saint," she stated.

    "Good. For my retainers, I''d like soup with your tastiest meats and best broth," I replied.

    Kless nodded vigorously.

    "I shall hath mine servants make it at once," the Dark Elf said. "And that wast for thine companions, correct?"

    "Yes," I stated.

    "What shall thou have, Saint Gustav?"

    I suppressed a smile so I''d look dignified. Inside, I was so excited that I thought I would explode. This was my chance! I''d introduce these Dark Elves to one of our best French dishes!

    "I''d like you to get some snails and bake them in wine. White wine. I will eat those," I said.

    Joanna didn''t react. Astrid and Johannes looked at me like I''d lost my mind. Dr. Minos was happily eating some grass. Sir Wilhelm was clearly struggling to keep a straight face.

    "I knew you were going to bring escargot up," D?¨¦??om sighed.

    Kless just nodded.

    "We dost not normally dine upon snails, but I am certain that humans hath different tastes than Dark Elves. I shall hath mine servants gather snails posthaste," she said.

    "Gather enough for everyone," I told her. "You and your retainers are going to eat them too."

    Kless'' smile faded. D?¨¦??om burst out laughing.

    "Did...did we displease thee somehow, Saint Gustav?" Kless asked.

    "Not at all. This has been the most enjoyable journey I''ve ever been on," I lied as naturally as I breathed.

    Riding on Cinnamon was more fun than this.

    "This is my reward for your hospitality," I said.

    "We are not worthy of this reward," Kless held up her hands. "Surely, thou canst think of some lesser reward?"

    I shook my head.

    "This is the only reward fitting for you. Please, accept this gift from a saint. Think of it as a gift from D?¨¦??om himself," I said.

    Kless'' eyes were wide in shock. She must have been desperately trying to find some way out of this situation. Unfortunately for her, I wouldn''t give her time to think.

    "I must humbly ask that you get the snails soon. D?¨¦??om is excited to see how much you like my dish," I said.

    D?¨¦??om replied, "I sure am!"

    "Yes, of course," Kless nodded. "Right away, Saint Gustav."

    She gave a rapid string of orders to her servants. They scattered, running to obey her directives. Kless forced a smile.

    "They shall be back to us within an hour," the Dark Elf promised.

    Then, Kless started praying. I wondered if this was to get to her daily 300 prayers or because I was going to make her eat snails. Of course, I had full confidence that she would like escargot.

    The servants returned with my retainers'' meals first. Thankfully, they came with the escargot before the other food could get cold. I downed a snail as fast as possible. My retainers started eating the moment I did.

    At that point, I ate a few more snails slowly. I savored the incredible taste. Despite not making escargot before, the Dark Elf chefs were still able to pull it off. It tasted almost as amazing as escargot in France did. A sense of warm nostalgia flowed through my body.

    My eyes turned to Kless. She was sitting there with the snails in front of her. The Dark Elf was trying and failing to hide her utter disgust. I gave her a warm smile.

    "Kless, go ahead and eat your snails," I said.

    She hesitated.

    "Mayhaps mine servants shouldst eat first?" Kless suggested.

    "Of course, they shouldn''t," I replied. "If no one should eat before a saint, then servants should eat after their masters."

    The Dark Elf forced a smile.

    "Thou art wise, Saint Gustav. I hath no counterargument," she said.

    Kless reached for a snail with a trembling hand. Her breaths became ragged. As she grabbed the shell, Kless'' entire body shook. The Dark Elf pulled the snail towards her as slow as she could.

    "Perhaps there ist some other food thou couldst have us eat?" Kless threw a hail Mary.

    "You already made this. It would be a shame to put your chefs'' hard work to waste," I said.

    Kless'' internal screaming was clear on her face. She closed her eyes and slurped the snail out of its shell as fast as she could. My retainers looked on in utter shock as Kless'' servants cringed away. Utter silence overtook the room.

    Then, Kless grabbed another snail and slurped it up. She made a noise that reminded me of a certain cooking anime. The Dark Elf ate snail after snail.

    "Thou art a genius, Saint Gustav, a true visionary!" she declared. "Who else but a saint couldst hath come up with such a wonderful dish?"

    Probably some really hungry Romans.

    "I''m glad you like it," I said.

    Kless finished eating her snails. Then, her eyes turned to another plate.

    "I must hath more. Servants, prepare more snails to replace this plate!" she commanded.

    The Dark Elf grabbed the plate and was about to start eating. Then, she came to a sudden stop. A troubled look crossed her face.

    Kless said, "I art full. ''tis a shame, but I shall not let that stop me!"

    She faced the floor and jammed her fingers down her throat. Kless spewed vomit all over the stone. Then, she started eating more escargot. My retainers looked like they lost their appetites.

    The moment Kless finished, she ran over and grabbed my arm. Thankfully, the Dark Elf didn''t use the hand she shoved down her throat.

    "Please, accompany me to mine kitchen! Show me more of thine recipes!" Kless said.

    "Okay," I replied.

    The Dark Elf dragged me off. There was a massive smile on her face. Her body shook with excitement.

    "I didst not hath this much fun since I reincarnated into this world," she said.

    "You too, huh?" I asked.

    "Yes, I..."

    Kless stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes widened as she turned to me with sudden realization in her eyes.

    "Thou were''t reincarnated?" sheer shock covered Kless'' face.

 Chapter 35: Interlude 5

    King Eduard the Defenestrator and Queen Eleanor stood before a massive wall painting. It depicted a great battle between humans and orcs. They, Hildoara, and Dalv rode ahead of their armies, shooting magic at the orcs with heroic poses. Gustav was flying overhead on Cinnamon, raining fire on their enemies. Prince Jeremy looked at the picture with a dumbfounded expression.

    "I was reading the records of the battle of the three and a half armies, and...it looks like there are a few errors with this painting," he said.

    "Such as?" King Eduard asked.

    "The battle, for one thing!" Jeremy answered. "There was no battle! The orcs ran away the moment they saw the dragon Saint Gustav rode in on!"

    His father nodded.

    "And the history books will reflect that," King Eduard stated.

    Jeremy pointed at the image of Gustav.

    "That''s another error. He fell asleep before the orcs even saw the dragon," the prince said.

    "True, he did," Queen Elenor nodded. "Saint Gustav didn''t wake up until after the orcs were long gone."

    Prince Jeremy then pointed at the part of the painting that had King Eduard on it.

    "Also, Father, you''re nowhere near this muscular. And why are you holding a two-handed sword in one hand?"

    He then pointed at the part with Queen Eleanor.

    "And your breasts are nowhere near this big, Mother! Also, you do not ride on a unicorn!"

    She nodded.

    "All true, Jeremy. But if the painting was accurate to the battle, it would be a boring painting," Eleanor said.

    "Then why make it at all?" Prince Jeremy asked.

    King Eduard pointed at Hildoara and Dalv, both of whom were made far more attractive than they actually were. Hildoara really was beautiful, and Dalv was handsome, but this painting gave them ideal human forms.

    "We entered a diplomatic agreement with Vandalland and Weltai. We will have to cooperate with them for the next several centuries at the very least. It''s essential that we promote good relations between our kingdoms," King Eduard explained.

    Prince Jeremy placed a hand on his own chin.

    "So, you made that painting so people in Greenrivers will think well of Dalv and Hildoara?" he questioned.

    "Exactly," his father replied.

    Queen Eleanor shrugged.

    "That and we wanted to make ourselves look good. We can''t fall behind Vandalland and Weltai, after all," she said.

    Prince Jeremy sighed.

    "At least the history books will tell the real story," he stated.

    Then, a thought came to him.

    "Between the four of you, Queen Hildoara is the newest monarch. What sort of person is she?" Prince Jeremy asked.

    A sense of curiosity and danger had flown through him.

    "She''s still getting used to being a queen, clearly inexperienced, and nervous. But she''s also very intelligent. Quite frankly, I''m glad that Saint Gustav stopped us from being her enemy," King Eduard answered.

    "Yes. It''s also safe to say that she cares about Vandalland. After their last king, Vandalland is lucky to have someone like her. Even if she is inexperienced," Queen Eleanor answered.

    Prince Jeremy pondered.

    "Do you think that I could marry her? That would make me the King of Vandalland and effectively unite our two kingdoms," he said.

    His parents beamed with pride.

    "Good thinking. Normally, I would have suggested the idea myself," King Eduard stated. "But Queen Hildoara won''t accept any marriage offers from us."

    "She seems quite taken with Saint Gustav, even if she tried to hide it. And Queen Hildoara probably sees more benefit in marrying a genius like him rather than marrying for an alliance," Queen Eleanor added.

    Jeremy grimaced.

    "So, are we going to hand Saint Gustav over to her? If he''s really a genius, we can''t afford to let him fall into the hands of another kingdom," he said.

    "My thoughts exactly," Queen Eleanor agreed. "Perhaps you could call Saint Gustav and ask him about his taste in women? If we can arrange a marriage for him, he might not think of even being with Queen Hildoara."

    Jeremy nodded.

    "I will do that right away," he said.

    Before his parents could object, Jeremy pulled out his crystal ball and put some numbers in it. After a moment, Saint Gustav''s voice came on the line.

    "Hello?" he asked.

    "Gustav, it''s me, Prince Jeremy. My parents gave me your crystal ball number," the royal answered.

    "Huh. Your voice is much manlier than I expected, Your Highness," Saint Gustav said.

    No one in the room knew how to react to that.

    "Thanks?" Jeremy decided to take that as a compliment.

    "You''re welcome, Your Highness. And I apologize, but I''m quite busy with a diplomatic affair at the moment," Saint Gustav said.

    If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    Jeremy nodded.

    "I will be fast. I want to know what sort of women you like. It''s guy talk, nothing special," he stated.

    There was a moment of silence.

    "Well, I like women with red hair, green eyes, nice hips, and big breasts in terms of physical appearance. If they''ve got athletic muscles, that''s a bonus. I also like smart women. I don''t want to have to deal with stupid people. In terms of personality: loyal, understanding, friendly, a bit playful, strong-willed but not overbearing, respectful, that sort of thing. Is that all you wanted to ask me?" Saint Gustav asked.

    "Yes. I won''t keep you any longer. Goodbye," Prince Jeremy answered.

    He hung up the phone.

    "Now, we just need to find a woman like that," the royal said.

    King Eduard sighed.

    "He just described Queen Hildoara of Vandalland."

    In Weltai, Dalv Sepet arrived at his castle. A messenger had told Trish of his arrival, and she was already waiting for him in the courtyard. Dalv smiled when he saw her.

    "I take it everything went smoothly while I was gone?" he asked.

    "There were only three coups," Trish answered. "One of which was put down by a mob of commoners."

    Relief flowed through Dalv.

    "Thank the gods. That''s five less than the last time I was out of Weltai. And I was only out an hour then. You made sure to impale anyone we captured, right?" he said.

    "Of course," Trish replied.

    The two of them walked inside the castle together.

    "So, how did things go?" Trish asked.

    "Very well," Dalv answered. "From now on, we will be working with Greenrivers and Vandalland to defend a certain area. I will explain more later. Right now, we need to arrange for some soldiers to go over there. We''ll need to send supplies over too."

    His wife''s expression turned grim.

    "Is it that urgent?" she questioned.

    "No. I just want to get this out of the way as soon as possible. Then, I can focus on other things. Like finding and purging the remaining disloyal nobles," Dalv said.

    Trish chuckled.

    "Now that their attacks are dying down, I bet there aren''t many of them left. Those still alive are dead meat," she stated.

    "Yes. Hopefully, we can get it done before the saints gather," Dalv replied.

    With a sigh, Trish spoke.

    "Is it really that time already?"

    "Almost," Dalv said. "It''s still a few months away, but the saints will feel the call soon enough."

    "I just hope you don''t all try to kill each other again," Trish replied.

    "That would be a most unfortunate outcome," her husband nodded.

    In her castle''s solar, Queen Hildoara had a look of exasperation on her face. Prince Wisimir and Duke Carini were with her.

    "We avoided disaster, but our finances are still in shambles," Queen Hildoara said.

    "Perhaps we could ask Saint Gustav for help? He was able to figure out...inflation, was it?" Duke Carini pondered.

    "Yes," she nodded.

    "That would require a lot of economic knowledge. Saint Gustav might be a financial genius. Perhaps we could ask him for advice?" he suggested.

    The monarch shook her head.

    "I still haven''t repaid Gustav for everything he''s done for me. It''d be wrong to ask him to do more now," Queen Hildoara stated.

    Prince Wisimir nodded.

    "From everything you''ve told me, Saint Gustav sounds awesome," he said.

    Queen Hildoara smiled.

    "He is my friend," she said. "And I should get his help. But I need to reward him first."

    "Isn''t your crystal ball number enough of a reward? He could call you whenever he has a problem," Duke Carini pointed out.

    "You don''t know Gustav like I do. I don''t think anyone other than his family, his god, and his wet nurse do. He wouldn''t want to bother me. Especially because I''m a queen. He might even reject the reward if I don''t force him to keep it," the monarch replied.

    Prince Wisimir smiled.

    "Why don''t we give him a really cool sword?" he suggested.

    Queen Hildoara nodded.

    "That''s a good idea. Gustav talked about his fencing in his letters with me. I''ll call him later, ask what he wants in a sword, and ask for his economic advice," she said.

    "But in the meantime, we need to figure out some way to at least get our debt down slightly."

    Then, a revelation flashed through Queen Hildoara. She jumped up with a massive smile on her face.

    "I''ve got it!" Queen Hildoara declared.

    "What is it?" Prince Wisimir asked.

    "Our father bought a lot of useless, expensive junk that just looks pretty during his time as king. There were a lot of other things like that in our family''s palaces even before he was king," she said.

    Duke Carini held up a finger.

    "You might want to hold off on that, Your Majesty. Or at least not sell everything," he stated.

    Queen Hildoara turned to him.

    "Why shouldn''t I sell them all?" she asked.

    "Because many of those pieces of ''useless, expensive junk'' are symbols of the royal family," Duke Carini answered.

    Queen Hildoara shrugged.

    "Can you eat a symbol?" she questioned.

    "You cannot, but that doesn''t mean they aren''t important," Duke Carini replied. "If you were to sell symbols of the royal family, it would be like saying you''re selling your power as queen. Many nobles who already don''t think you should be the ruler of Vandalland would use that as proof."

    Queen Hildoara nodded.

    "Then I''ll sell the ones that aren''t symbols. There should be enough to keep the royal treasury alone for a short while," she said. "First, we''ll need to do an inventory of all the useless junk we have."

    Prince Wisimir took a bow.

    "I''ll get to that right away, sister," he promised.

    A crowd of mercenaries had gathered in an abandoned castle deep in a forest in Greenrivers. The outside area was so covered in shadows from the tall trees that you could barely see your own hands. Even the inside of the ruins was almost pitch black.

    The son and saint of Poseidon stood before them. He held his trident in his hands, and there was a massive grin on his face. Several large crates were behind him, looming over his head.

    "So, he asks me, do you wanna be bad? I say, yeah, I wanna be bad. How bad, he asks? I tell him I wanna be real bad, real bad baby!" the demigod declared.

    A mercenary was bashing his head against a wall. Another was tearing his hair out. Several were groaning, looking up at the sky at the same time. There were a few mercenaries that were dead on the ground with slit wrists.

    "So, then I tell him..."

    Before the demigod could continue, Vasilisa Loanid interrupted him.

    "Excuse me, Laestrygon. As interesting as your speech is, you''ve been talking about how evil you are for the last three hours. Did you just invite us to the middle of this monster-infested forest just to tell us this, or do you have an actual point?" she asked.

    The demigod held up his right hand while keeping the trident in his left.

    "Alright, baby, I''ll get to the point. There''s a noble in Greenrivers who pissed me off bad, real bad. And not the kind of bad I like," Laestrygon answered.

    "What did he do?" Vasilisa wondered.

    "He didn''t die when I tried to kill him."

    Then, Laestrygon held his arms apart in a dramatic gesture.

    "And I''m gonna make it all of Greenrivers'' problem! They''re gonna be victims of Laestrygon, son and saint of Poseidon!"

    A gruff mercenary grimaced.

    "And what''s our role in this?" he asked.

    Laestrygon smiled.

    "You''re gonna go all over Greenrivers, looting, murdering, raping, pillaging, doing all the evil things you can! We''re gonna make everyone in Greenrivers suffer, baby! Kill, steal, do whatever atrocities you can, baby!" he answered.

    Vasilisa scoffed.

    "Do you really think we''ll give into depravity and kill innocent people?" she questioned. "For free?"

    Laestrygon shook his head.

    "I know how you mercenaries think, baby. You don''t kill people for fun, but you don''t got any morals, baby. You work for the highest bidder, and my daddy''s rich," he said.

    With a swift swing of his trident, Laestrygon broke open one of the crates. Millions of pearls flowed out of it. Then, Laestrygon smashed another of the boxes. Coral of many colors spilled forth. He went to a third box, and his trident revealed a massive amount of ambergris. The mercenaries looked on in awe.

    "All this stuff''s from the sea, right?" one spoke.

    "I''ve never seen this many pearls before, or whatever that colored stuff is," another stated.

    "This stuff is worth so much. Even if we got a fifth of this, we''d be the richest men in the world," a third commented.

    Laestrygon leaned on his trident with a wide grin. His hands were holding onto the trident between its spikes, planting the butt into the ground.

    "And there''s plenty more where that came from, baby," he said.

    The mercenaries erupted in applause.

    "Kill, rape, maim, steal...whatever you want, we''ll do it!"

    "We''re all yours, boss!"

    "With that much loot, we''ll go to hell and back for you!"

    "Hail Saint Laestrygon, the world''s most generous man!"

    Laestrygon smiled as he whispered to himself.

    "I''m gonna take your head and feed it to Saint Gustav, King Eduard, baby."

 Chapter 36: Dark Elf From Another World

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 Chapter 37: One Week Later

    It had been a week since I''d first gotten to the kingdom of the dark elves, and I''d explained to everyone that Kless was from another world like I was. Most of my time here was spent in the kitchen, cooking and instructing chefs. I also spent some time with my retainers and talking about my old world with them and Kless.

    Currently, I had finished some cerveuax. The dish was on a dining table, and Johannes and Astrid were looking at it. They were both trying desperately to hide their disgust. Aside from them, Kless and I were the only people in the room.

    "Where did you get sheep brains? I didn''t think they had sheep down here," Astrid said.

    Kless was eating the cerveaux with a wide smile on her face. The dark elf was in utter bliss.

    "Traders transport a few down here. Sheep art a delicacy to us dark elves," she stated. "And I never knew sheep brains couldst taste so good! I wish I couldst go to France! It must be a wonderous place!"

    Johannes shivered.

    "I''m not sure about that. I spent most of my life on the road, and eating sheep brains is a bit extreme for me," he said, making his words as diplomatic as possible.

    "It''s a good thing I''m not from Scotland. I don''t want to know what everyone would think of haggis," I thought.

    Astrid pondered.

    "Kless, in your world, what sword fighting styles did they have?" she asked.

    "I art not really sure," the dark elf answered. "I wast never into fencing."

    The sound of footsteps came to my ears. I turned to the door and saw an armored dark elf woman step inside. She knelt before Kless. Then, the newcomer spoke.

    "Barsom, some women from Her Majesty hath arrived to see thee. They request Saint Gustav''s presence too."

    Kless nodded.

    "I shall greet them at once."

    A hint of anticipation flowed through me.

    "Hopefully, I''ll finally get to meet their queen," I thought.

    "I hope so too," D?¨¦??om said. "The sooner you leave this place, the better."

    Astrid and Johannes followed us as we walked through Kless'' place into her great hall. There, several dark elf women were standing. They wore suits of plate decorated with images of various gods carved from black opal. The woman at their head wore gilded armor. A surcoat adorned her chest. It had the image of a tall, muscular elf woman wearing a toga.

    "That''s Lestryx, the head god of the elves," D?¨¦??om explained.

    "Yes! You finally got to do your job as the God of Exposition!" I thought.

    "Damn straight, I was!"

    Kless bowed to the head woman.

    "Tis an honor to have thee here, Kiptin Krualuc," she said.

    I contacted D?¨¦??om.

    "Is Kiptin a title or a name?"

    "And just when I thought I could do my job again, you ask me something I don''t know," he said.

    I heard the god sigh. Considering the naming patterns of nobles, I decided to assume that Kiptin was a title.

    "Save thine courtesies, Barsom Kless," the head woman held up a hand. "I hath arrived on business from Her Majesty. Tell me, ist the saint present?"

    I stepped forward.

    "I''m right here," I stated.

    Kiptin Krualuc''s eye twitched. She forced a smile.

    "Tis an honor to meet thee, Saint Gustav. I had hoped that Kless jested about thee being a human," Krualucsaid.

    Oh, fuck. We got a racist here.

    "I art certain that the gods hath chosen thee to be a saint for a good reason," she stated. "They know better than us mere mortals."

    With a nod, I gave her my best smile.

    "The gods work in mysterious ways," I said.

    Krualuc''s eye twitched more. It looks like someone was poking it.

    "Yes. Tis why there hast never been a dark elf saint. Instead, impious humans get chosen above us, even though we art the worthiest servants of the gods," she forced an even wider smile.

    Fuck.

    "This is surely some great test," I stated.

    Krualuc''s eye twitched so hard and fast that I was worried it would fall out of its socket.

    "A test that hast gone on for thousands of years," she nodded.

    Kless spoke up.

    "Kiptin Krualuc, what message did the queen send?" the Barsom asked.

    "Her Majesty accepts the Saint''s request for an audience. She wishes for thine presence too, Barsom Kless. But first, we shall obtain proof that this human ist a saint. I know that thou were''t given documents, Barsom Kless. But tis imprudent to trust the word of an impious human king," Krualuc stated.

    A dark elf woman approached me. She wore grand robes of white and gold.

    "Saint Gustav, I am Oracle Loonia. Dost thou know how I shall prove thine sainthood?" the woman asked.

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    "You put your hand on my head and talk to D?¨¦??om," I answered.

    She nodded.

    "Then, art thou ready?" Loonia questioned.

    "I am," I said.

    She put her hand on my head. I heard her voice flow into my mind.

    "Art thou here, God of Humanity?"

    "I am," D?¨¦??om stated.

    A wide smile crossed Loonia''s face.

    "Joyous days, he ist truly a saint!" she said.

    The Oracle knelt before me.

    "Thou honor us with thine very presence, Saint Gustav! Her Majesty shall have a grand celebration upon thine arrival!"

    Dammit! What sort of celebration do these lunatics have in mind? Elf sacrifice? A parade where everyone in the city touches the Saint? I...I don''t want to know!

    "You don''t need to go that far," I said.

    "Humble as well! Thou hast proper traits for a saint!" Loonia smiled.

    "I appreciate the kind offer of the dark elf Oracle and the queen she serves," I tried to refuse as politely as possible. "But I must insist against it. D?¨¦??om doesn''t want his followers to do too much in his name. He''s a very generous god who wants to leave things to humans as much as he can."

    "Good thinking, Gustav," D?¨¦??om said.

    Loonia stood up and bowed deeply.

    "You were already kneeling. Did you stand up just so you could bow?" I asked.

    "But of course, Saint Gustav. And thou needst worry not. D?¨¦??om wishes for humans to not do too much for him, and no humans shall help prepare the celebration. It shall only be dark elves," she stated.

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

    I forced down my nervousness. My body struggled not to shake.

    "Could you tell me more about this celebration?" I asked.

    "Gladly, Saint Gustav. It shall start with a parade. Thou shall be at the forefront of it, of course," Loonia answered.

    Okay, that isn''t too bad. A bit more attention than I''d like, but that''s inevitable here.

    "Then, thou shall officiate the animal sacrifices. I canst not wait to see thine dagger pierce their flesh!" she continued, wiggling with excitement.

    That''s not that bad either. I expected some god in this world to like animal sacrifices, so I was ready for this.

    "Thou shall sacrifice a thousand erkals in an hour to commemorate thine arrival!" Loonia declared.

    I''m going to have to kill 16 erkals a minute. I hope that erkals are small and weak. I also hope that I''ll just have to slit their throats and not have to do something like tear their hearts out.

    "Then, thou shall perform the fertility rites with Her Majesty in front of the entire city!" Loonia grinned ear to ear.

    And that is where I draw the fucking line!

    "I apologize," I took a deep bow and lied my ass off. "But I''m already engaged."

    "And Her Majesty ist married. It shouldst be fine," the Oracle replied.

    Fuck.

    "The gods wouldn''t like it if I cheated on my fiance," I said.

    A look of confusion crossed Loonia''s face.

    "Cheating? What art thou saying?" she questioned.

    Hope flowed through me.

    "Does the fertility ritual not involve sex?" I asked.

    "It dost not," Loonia answered.

    Thank the gods. The elf gods, specifically.

    "Then what will I do?"

    "First, thou shall take the waters of fertility from the heart of the temple of Heeksen," the oracle explained. "Then, thou shall take the waters to the heart of the city where Her Majesty will wait. Her Majesty''s maidens will be with her, all dressed in the garments of fertility."

    "And what are those?" I wondered.

    The fact that I was in the body of a hormonal teenage boy was starting to get to me. I was REALLY interested in what the ''garments of fertility'' were.

    Loonia smiled.

    "They shall be buried up to their necks in rocks," she said.

    ...

    "D?¨¦??om, Heeksen is a trickster god, right?" I thought.

    "Yes. He is," my patron god replied.

    Loonia continued.

    "Then, thou shall pour the waters of fertility over Her Majesty, the maidens, and Her Majesty again. After that, thou shall put a blindfold over thine eyes as Her Majesty and the maidens leave the rocks and are clad in their finest garments. Then, the ritual wilt be finished."

    Dammit! I wasn''t going to see anything! No, no, bad Gustav. Control yourself. You are here on a diplomatic mission, not to be a hormonal teenager.

    At that point, I heard Kless whisper in my ear.

    "Whatever thou dost, do not ask her what the waters of fertility are," she said.

    Kless was right next to me, so close that we were almost touching.

    "Thanks for the save," I whispered back.

    "Thou art welcome."

    I smiled.

    "I will perform the fertility ritual to the best of my abilities, on my honor as a saint," I said.

    Loonia''s expression was one of pure joy.

    "Thank thee, Saint Gustav. It hast been 300 years since a saint came to our capital, much less perform a religious ritual! I art truly grateful to thee!" she stated.

    I gave her a bow.

    "I''m the one who''s honored. As a saint, I am overjoyed that I can do something that would normally be restricted to the priests of the pious dark elves," I said.

    Loonia almost fainted from sheer happiness, but she stayed up. Her knees shook from excitement. Max diplomacy from me.

    "I hath one more request for thee, Saint Gustav. Couldst thou meet mine husband? He hast never met a saint before, and meeting thee wouldst make him truly joyous," Loonia stated.

    "I''d be happy to see him," I said.

    Loonia fell back, but Krualuc caught her.

    "Thou shouldst not hath brought thine husband into this diplomatic affair, oracle. Tis inappropriate," the Kiptin told her.

    There was a cold glare on Krualuc''s face. Sweat poured over her body.

    I held up my hands in a placating gesture.

    "It''s fine," I said. "It just shows how much she loves him."

    Krualuc breathed a sigh of relief.

    "Yes. I suppose it dost," she stated.

    Just when I thought I was in the clear, Johannes'' voice hit my ears.

    "Excuse me, but what are the waters of fertility?" he asked.

    Complete and utter despair poured through my body like a great flood.

    My eyes focused on Loonia as sweat dripped down my brow. She took a deep breath and composed herself. The oracle stood up straight, getting out of Krualuc''s grasp.

    She said, "I art glad thou asked. The waters of fertility art."

    Wait, Loonia didn''t actually say what they were? She just stopped.

    "Are you alright?" I asked, concern flowing through me.

    "I art fine. Why didst thou ask that?" the oracle questioned.

    "You didn''t finish explaining," I said.

    Confusion crossed her face.

    "Didst thou not hear me?" she wondered. "I shall explain again for thee. The waters of fertility art."

    What? Loonia just stopped again. She didn''t explain what they were. Something weird was going on.

    I was about to open my mouth again when I heard D?¨¦??om''s voice.

    "Don''t. Say. Anything," he ordered.

    "What''s going on?" I asked.

    The god sighed.

    "Your mind blotted out that dark elf''s explanation," D?¨¦??om said.

    It took all my willpower to suppress a shiver.

    "So, the waters of fertility are something so horrible that my mind couldn''t comprehend it?" I asked.

    "No. It could comprehend it just fine," D?¨¦??om answered. "That''s why your mind blotted it out."

    I don''t know how I avoided shivering.

    "Is it dangerous?"

    "No, but you''re better off not knowing what it is. Just assume it''s cave water and don''t think about it again."

    "That won''t work! There''s no way anything that horrible can be cave water!"

    "Then assume it''s god sweat."

    I clenched my hands as tight as I could, trying desperately to control my shaking.

    "My mind is already picturing what it is," I thought.

    "Don''t assume it''s that either! Just don''t think about it, okay? You''re better off just pretending this conversation never happened."

    The various dark elves looked deeply concerned. They saw Gustav trembling.

    "Ist he sick? Shouldst we get a doctor?" Loonia wondered.

    "There ist no need to worry," Kless assured them. "Tis a human thing. Saint Gustav''s retainers will know what to do."

    She walked over to Johannes and Astrid and got in a near huddle with them. There was a look of concern on the dark elf''s face. Johannes looked down, guilt flowing through him.

    "I apologize for this. I didst not know that the oracle wouldst wish to perform the fertility ritual," Kless said.

    "It''s my fault. I shouldn''t have asked about them," Johannes replied.

    "No. The fault lies with me."

    "Where did you even get the waters of fertility from? I didn''t think there was anything like them in our world," Astrid questioned.

    "Trade with a saint. The ritual ist fairly recent. The saint ist a saint of the god of the sea, and he hast sold goods to some of our trading ports. Our priests hath decided some of these goods hath religious significance," the dark elf explained.

    "Gustav said that some of the other Saints were from his world," Astrid recalled.

    Kless nodded.

    "Yes. That saint of the god of the sea must be from there. He likely recreated a recipe from his homeland," she said. "Still, I didst not expect Saint Gustav to tremble from hearing that the waters of fertility art Authentic English Tea."

 Chapter 38: Journey Through the Underground

    My party stood with a group of Underground Elves in front of a large cave wall. It towered over us, sheer stone cut flat. The rock was impossible to climb because it was unbroken. Countless were carved into the stone.

    Loonia stepped forward. She placed her hand on the stone wall. It split in two with a great rumbling, each half sinking into the wall to its side. They stopped, and a vast tunnel stood before us. It was lit with numerous glowing crystals.

    "This is how traders get to the capital," Kless explained. "It would be impossible to send any large goods there otherwise. The cave routes art just too narrow."

    "Yes. It took us 200 years to make this passage, even with magic," Loonia said.

    "That seems excessive," I replied.

    "I apologize if we are not up to thine standards, Saint Gustav. But I can assure thee that removing the rock wast not the difficult part. What took the most time was ensuring that the tunnel wouldst fill up when we art not using it and making sure that it wast safe. And that it wouldst part whenst in use," she stated.

    With a slight panic flowing through me, I raised my hands defensively.

    "It''s fine," I told her. "I wasn''t criticizing you. I was just wondering why. Your magic''s actually incredible. It''s perfect for an underground society."

    Loonia swayed on her feet.

    "A saint... complimented us so greatly..."

    She fell to the side, but Kiptin Krualuc caught her.

    "Saint Gustav, I appreciate thine compliments. However, I must ask that thee refrain from them around Loonia," Krualuc said.

    Loonia stood up again, leaving Krualuc''s grasp.

    "Tis fine. It ist a great honor," Loonia stated.

    I decided to not complement the Dark Elves when I was in Loonia''s presence. I did not want her to hit her head on the stone ground or walls.

    My diplomatic caravan traveled down the vast tunnel. It was tall enough that we could ride our horses down it. My retinue was by my side, and Kless stayed close too. Then, D?¨¦??om''s voice came to my ears.

    "Gustav, you''re a really good cook," he said.

    "Of course, I am. I''m French," I thought.

    "Isn''t that a stereotype?"

    "No. It''s a requirement. Anyone from France who can''t cook isn''t worthy of being called French."

    "I should have known you''d say something like that," D?¨¦??om replied.

    Then, Krualuc rode over to me. The Underground Elves didn''t use horses. Instead, their mounts were giant, albino salamanders. They reminded me a bit of olms, except more adapted to living on land.

    "Saint Gustav," Krualuc''s eye twitched when she spoke. "I must warn thee that this journey shall take a little under a fortnight."

    "That is no issue. I''ve already spent a week in Kless'' lands," I replied.

    "Fuck! I''m spending too much time here already! This is why the Dark Elves need crystal balls! Communication takes way too long without them! My family''s finances are going down the drain as we speak! I just hope my parents can get my plan with Cinnamon started soon!" I thought.

    "Calm down, Gustav. If worst comes to worst, King Eduard will intervene," D?¨¦??om assured me.

    Krualuc''s eyes narrowed.

    "Yes. I suppose it wouldst not be an issue," she said.

    Then, Krualuc turned to Kless.

    "Though, thou and Saint Gustav seem quite close," the Kiptin stated.

    "We hath much in common. I hope that I canst call him a friend," Kless replied.

    "Just a friend?" Krualuc asked.

    If I was drinking something, I would have spat it out. Why would Krualuc even think we were interested in each other?

    "Yes. Just a friend. Even if I wast attracted to Saint Gustav, he ist from a patriarchal species. And we elves art matriarchal. I wouldst not want to live in a patriarchal society, and I doubt Saint Gustav wouldst want to live in a matriarchal society," Kless answered.

    "But art thou not attracted to him?" Krualuc questioned.

    "No. Saint Gustav ist too feminine. I prefer masculine men."

    My ego is roughly the size of a stegosaurus'' brain. And after I heard that, it was nonexistent. D?¨¦??om burst out laughing. My retainers'' faces were coated in anger.

    "He ist feminine?" Krualuc wondered.

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    "Yes," Kless explained. "Saint Gustav ist reasonably strong, even without using magic. He also is more hardened than he looks, and he hast a natural talent to be a leader and take control of many situations he''s in. He''s pretty much an alpha female in a man''s body. And from his perspective, I art not his type. I hath the wrong hair and eye color."

    I suppressed a sigh.

    "You know, the fact that Dark Elves have opposite gender roles to humans isn''t making this any better," I thought.

    "Look on the bright side. At least you''re an alpha something," D?¨¦??om replied.

    "I''m really not. I don''t get where Kless gets that impression of me. I don''t take control of situations. I''m not much of a leader. I pretty much rely on others."

    "You rely on others a lot, but that''s part of being a leader. Kless is exaggerating a bit with her praise, but it''s a bit more accurate than you think," the god said.

    "I can believe she''s exaggerating, but not that it''s accurate."

    "Of course, you can."

    Kless shook her head.

    "I prefer more masculine men. Dainty, charming, cute all around. When I marry, it shouldst be with a man who loves wearing skirts and makeup. I hath nothing against men who art more feminine, but they art not mine preference."

    Krualuc shook her head.

    "Men shouldst be masculine, and women shouldst be feminine, even men with magic. Humans art an exception because they art a different race. But elves shouldst conform to the roles the gods gifted us," she stated.

    Then, her gaze turned into a cold glare at Kless.

    "Although I am thankful that thou wouldst not court a saint, thou shouldst get married soon. There ist no greater disgrace for a woman than being a virgin after 130," Krualuc declared.

    Kless looked down, an expression of utter defeat crossing her face. Krualuc rode away. I moved over to Kless.

    "Are you doing alright?" I asked.

    "I art not," she answered in a whisper.

    "Let me guess: you died a virgin?"

    "I couldst see why thou wouldst think that from the conversation. And I wast taken before mine time at the young age of 104. That wouldst be 24 in human years from what I understand," Kless said.

    "I was 25 when I died," I recalled.

    Kless nodded.

    "However, despite what it mayest seem, I didst not die a virgin. I wast reminded of mine husband," she stated. "I art certain that he must hath grieved me. Mine hope ist that he moved on after mine death and ist living a happy life with a good wife."

    I sighed.

    "It can take people a while to get over grief. And with how long elves live, I expect it can take you longer," I said.

    "By human standards, yes. Honestly, I shouldst hath gotten over it by now. But I art in no rush. Just like with humans, magic renders elves unaging," Kless replied.

    She shook her head.

    "We shouldst speak about something else."

    "Alright," I said. "What do you think of the High Elves?"

    "I hath no thoughts on them," Kless replied.

    Shock flowed through me.

    "You don''t?" I asked.

    "No," Kless answered. "I hath never met a High Elf in this world before. All I know about them comes from things Dark Elves told me. My kind hath a massive grudge against the High Elves. Any words they say about the High Elves art poison."

    "Basically, you don''t want to trust propaganda," I said.

    "Precisely," she replied.

    Then, Kless entered contemplation.

    "Saint Gustav, hath thou met any High Elves?"

    "Yes," I stated. "I only met them a few times when I was a child. But my family''s lands are close to their kingdom. I know more about High Elves than most people do."

    Kless nodded.

    "Couldst thou tell me about them?" she asked.

    "The High Elves spend most of their time sitting around and doing drugs. They barely function as a society because they are constantly high. Their nobles have a ''stick it to the woman'' attitude because they''re so high they forget they''re ''the woman.''"

    Kless sat in silence for a few moments. She took in everything I just said.

    "The High Elf nobles art self-hating misogynists?"

    "No," I explained. "''The woman'' means ''the government'' or ''the leaders'' essentially. In my old world, there were people like them who said ''stick it to the man.'' The difference is that those people weren''t normally politicians."

    "That explains it," Kless nodded.

    "So, what are the High Elves like in Dark Elf propaganda?" I asked.

    "They art evil masterminds who make deals with monsters. They control the world, working behind closed doors to manipulate people into serving them," she answered.

    A sigh escaped my mouth.

    "That isn''t even remotely accurate, but propaganda rarely is."

    "It also means that my job is going to be even more difficult if the Dark Elves find out that I''m trying to get drugs for the High Elves," I thought.

    Eventually, we stopped to make camp. The Dark Elves didn''t want to use wood to make fire because of how expensive it was. Instead, they used a special type of crystal that produced a lot of heat.

    "It''s probably best that we don''t have a fire. The caves might get flooded with smoke," I thought.

    I was sitting with my retainers, making sure to be at least some distance from everyone else. Dr. Minos was reading a book on architecture while eating grass. Joanna, Astrid, and Johannes were stewing with hints of anger on their faces while eating cave cricket stew.

    "Dammit. I can''t believe how disrespectful Kless was earlier," Astrid said.

    "It doesn''t sit right with me either," Johannes added.

    "Kless didn''t mean anything by it," I replied. "And the Dark Elves have opposite gender roles to humans. She probably thought she was complimenting me and just worded things poorly."

    "I know that, but still! You''re my Lord! You shouldn''t put up with any disrespect!" the girl shook her head.

    "I''m your lord, but I''m also a diplomat. Asskissing is part of our job. And talking with Kless has been the most fun I''ve had down here," I said.

    Joanna nodded.

    "I understand. Diplomacy can be difficult. I was never a diplomat myself, but I accompanied some lords on diplomatic expeditions," she stated. "Still, I''m certain that Kless would apologize if you brought it up with her."

    Then, I wouldn''t do that. I decided to change the subject.

    "Johannes, are we safe from monsters here?" I asked.

    "I don''t know. I''ve never been underground before," he answered.

    Joanna looked at the walls. I did the same and saw that they were covered in runes.

    "This is a magical tunnel. There are probably some spells embedded in it that ward off monsters," she speculated.

    "That''s exactly what I would expect from a 200-year building project. Loonia did say that safety took up a lot of time," I said.

    Then, I gazed over my retainers.

    "Astrid, are you interested in learning Dark Elf swordsmanship?" I asked.

    Her eyes lit up.

    "I am!" she answered.

    "I''ll see what I can do. From what I''ve seen of their weapons, Dark Elves mostly use short swords, but that should still be helpful for you," I said.

    "Thank you so much!" Astrid smiled.

    My eyes turned to another of my retainers.

    "Johannes, I''ll see if I can find any books on enchanting. The Dark Elf capital should have a marketplace that I can go to. If that fails, I could see if I could arrange for a Dark Elf spellcaster to tutor you while we''re in the capital," I stated.

    "Thank you, Gustav," Johannes replied.

    Up next, I looked at Dr. Minos.

    "I''ll see if I can find some more architecture books for you. I''m sure that you''re interested in how the Dark Elves carve some of their buildings out of stone."

    The minotaur gave me a thumbs up.

    "I don''t want anything," Joanna said. "Besides, I technically work for your parents and not you, Gustav."

    "Alright, then," I spoke before thinking. "I knew Joanna would say that, and she probably knows that I''ll try to get her something anyway. I have a week to think this through. I just hope that everything goes alright on the surface world while I''m gone."

 Chapter 39: Interlude 6

    Count Luthor VI von Blitzburg and Countess Matilda von Blitzburg trembled as they gazed at the massive dragon who towered over them. Cinnamon''s eyes were cold and reptilian. His breath was smoking hot.

    "It is an honor to meet you," Count Luthor said. "Great dragon."

    "Yes. An incredible honor," the countess added.

    He and Matilda knelt, fear pulsing through them. Neither parent knew how their son managed to make a deal with a creature as terrifying as this dragon.

    Then, Cinnamon opened his mouth.

    "You are being Gustav''s parents?" he asked.

    "Y-Yes," Count Luthor stuttered out.

    "Oh, that is being very good, ja," Cinnamon nodded. "He was telling me when I was flying him over here that I should be talking to you if he is not being here."

    At that moment, the Count and Countess von Blitzburg''s fear crashed like a burning airplane. The two of them stood up.

    "Yes, well, our son is not available at the moment. He is on a mission for His Majesty," Count Blitzburg stated. "I am Count Luthor VI von Blitzburg, and this is my wife, Countess Matilda von Blitzburg."

    "I am being Cinnamon. It is very nice to be meeting you, ja," the dragon said.

    "Cinnamon? Like the spice?" Countess Matilda questioned.

    "Ja! Exactly like the spice. My mother was being a big fan of the spice. It was hard for her to get enough of it to eat, but she was loving it so much that she named me after it," Cinnamon smiled with pride.

    Or at least the count and countess thought he smiled. It was a bit difficult to tell due to Cinnamon''s reptilian face.

    "Gustav was talking about an insurance bodyguard service," Cinnamon recalled. "And I was just finishing depositing my horde in the Raven Knights'' chapter houses. He was having some sort of plan for this."

    Count Blitzburg nodded.

    "Yes, he left us with instructions," the nobleman said. "My wife and I will go inside our castle to retrieve them."

    "You can be taking your time," Cinnamon replied.

    "Thank you."

    With that, the Count and Countess von Blitzburg turned away from Cinnamon before walking into their castle. The two shared a look the moment they stepped inside the grand hall.

    "What has Gustav gotten us into?" Countess Matilda wondered.

    "I have no idea," Count Luthor sighed. "I expected a dragon, but a dragon that talks like that..."

    He shook his head.

    "No matter. Let''s not waste any time. I''d rather not test a dragon''s patience, even a dragon who sounds silly."

    <hr>

    In another part of Greenrivers, King Eduard the Defenestrator and Queen Eleanor were on horseback. They were surrounded by over a dozen knights. The king struggled to suppress the pure rage pulsing through him, and his wife''s hands were clenched on her reigns so hard they turned white.

    There was a building in front of them. It was half submerged in water, and the stench of death lingered in the air. Two knights were using their magic to drag away the water. However, it fought against them, doing its best to stay in place.

    "Two weeks," King Eduard said. "And seven orphanages have been flooded with magical water."

    "At the same time as Greenrivers has been infested with a sudden onrush of banditry," Queen Eleanor added. "I doubt this is a coincidence."

    "Yes. Perhaps we should call Duke Armand?"

    King Eduard pulled out his crystal ball and contacted Duke Armand. After a few moments, the noble appeared in it. Armand was wrapped tightly in ropes. His marionette wife was holding onto the end of the rope. Thankfully, the crystal ball was at an angle that only exposed Duke Armand''s robed upper body.

    "An honor to greet you, Your Majesty," Duke Armand stated. "But this is...a bit of a bad time. Perhaps it could wait?"

    King Eduard and Queen Eleanor were already covering their eyes with their hands.

    "15 minutes," King Eduard said.

    "Thank you, Your Majesty," Duke Armand replied.

    Fifteen minutes later, Duke Armand was in much more presentable attire. He made a final adjustment to his doublet.

    "What do you need, Your Majesty?" Armand asked.

    "Your advice," King Eduard the Defenestrator answered. "I am certain you have heard about the orphanage floodings and increased bandit attacks."

    "I have, Your Majesty."

    "Do you think they''re connected?" Queen Eleanor questioned.

    Duke Armand nodded.

    "Coincidences happen; however, I believe a coincidence is unlikely here. Do any of the bandits have magic?"

    "Yes. We suspect that there are exiled nobles among their ranks," King Eduard said.

    "Perhaps there are exiled nobles, or perhaps that''s what they want you to think?" Duke Armand stated. "I suspect that the bandits are working for someone more powerful, someone who is using them as a distraction so they can freely flood the orphanages."

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    King Eduard the Defenestrator narrowed his eyes in contemplation.

    "And you believe that nobles are behind this?" he asked.

    "Of course. The only reason why someone would want to flood an orphanage is to kill the orphans inside. And commoners have no reason to want to kill orphans," Duke Armand answered.

    Understanding flashed through King Eduard and Queen Eleanor.

    "One of the orphans is a threat to someone in the nobility?" the Queen said.

    "Not our nobility. Foreign nobility," Duke Armand replied.

    He then paced in a circle around the crystal ball.

    "There are three likely reasons for the floodings. The first is to depopulate Greenrivers to reduce our ability to recruit soldiers. This requires the person behind the scheme to be an idiot unless this is the first step of a larger plan. After all, destroying orphanages won''t impact Greenrivers'' population much."

    "Yes, but we cannot discount the possibility that our enemy is a moron," King Eduard said.

    Duke Armand nodded.

    "The next possible reason is that a particular orphan is a target. If that''s the case, I suspect the culprit is from Motteburh. I doubt there are many nobles there who would want people to know if they had a bastard child with a commoner. And I suspect a few Motteburh nobles would be willing to murder innocent children to hide their indulgences."

    "Disgusting," Queen Eleanor felt a wave of nausea.

    "Yes, but there is one other possibility," Duke Armand stated. "We recently started cooperating with Vandalland and Weltai. Vanadalland is one of the three most powerful kingdoms on the continent, and the reputation of Voviode Dalv Sepet of Weltai speaks for itself. Seeing as we are another of the three most powerful kingdoms, there are plenty of people who have good reason to fear a possible alliance between us. I suspect we''ll soon find Vandalland and Weltai coats of arms among the bandits."

    King Eduard the Defenestrator grimaced.

    "The Northern barbarians, the Southern city-states, High Elves, Sea Elves, Dark Elves, and Motteburh could all have done this," he said.

    "Between them, the Southern city-states have the least reason to fear us. The High Elves are placated. And the Dark Elves rarely leave their caves. I believe the Northern barbarians are the most likely culprits in terms of motives. But the Sea Elves and Motteburh are more likely to be able to pull this off," Duke Armand explained.

    King Eduard pondered.

    "The Northern Barbarians wouldn''t do something like this. They aren''t willing to slaughter orphans. Most of the Sea Elves are not either. They might be pirates, but even most pirates have some standards. The Motteburh nobles, on the other hand..." rage flowed through him.

    "They either do not view commoners as humans, barely see commoners as human, just don''t value the lives of commoners, or feel that commoners are enough of a threat that they have to be repressed by any means necessary. Even if it means slaughtering orphans," Queen Eleanor said, feeling quite murderous.

    "We can''t jump to any conclusions just yet," Duke Armand stated. "But I agree that some Motteburh noble is the most likely culprit."

    King Eduard came to a decision.

    "I am going to send some spies over to Motteburh. If they are behind this, my current spies are clearly not enough," the monarch said.

    "And I will call Voivode Dalv and Queen Hildoara," Queen Eleanor added. "If this is an attempt to bring down our cooperation, they should know."

    <hr>

    Soon, Voivode Dalv and Trish were gathered around a crystal ball with Queen Eleanor on the other end.

    "This is a dire situation," Dalv said, clear anger in his voice. "If you catch this murderer, make sure to have him boiled alive."

    "He deserves nothing less," Trish agreed.

    "We will punish him to the full extent of Greenrivers law after he is interrogated. We need to know who''s at the top of this plan," Queen Eleanor said.

    A thought came to Dalv. He recalled centuries ago, before his death, when he was Vlad Dracula. There was a woman who died the same year he was born. She was burned at the stake for heresy but later acquitted in a postmortem trial. Before her death, she associated with a man that Dalv did not doubt she''d regret knowing if she found out what he did.

    While Dalv could not remember that man''s name, he knew that he was executed for murdering children. There was no reason for this beyond the man''s pleasure.

    "Are you certain that there is a scheme behind these drownings?" Dalv asked.

    "There has to be," Queen Eleanor answered.

    An expression of confusion crossed her face.

    "Why would you even think anything different?"

    "Because some people are...evil. They have no reason for doing what they do other than pleasure," Dalv said.

    Queen Eleanor looked at him like he had gone insane.

    "No one is evil enough to enjoy killing children," she stated.

    "I understand that it is hard to believe," Dalv replied. "But there are people like that."

    Queen Eleanor shook her head.

    "I refuse to believe that. I mean no offense, but I believe you are a massive cynic, Voivode Dalv," she said.

    "Well, I will admit to that. I had...a poor childhood. But that does not mean that I am wrong. This might be part of some sort of scheme, but it could also be the actions of someone who is simply evil," Dalv replied.

    <hr>

    In Vandalland, Queen Hildoara stood on a balcony of her castle. Wisimir stood at her side. A crowd of nobles and important commoners were gathered in the courtyard before her. The monarch took a deep breath.

    "This is your first speech. Don''t mess this up," Queen Hildoara whispered before speaking aloud. "Subjects of Vandalland, I am honored to formally announce our cooperation with Greenrivers and Weltai."

    Murmurs rose up from the crowd. Queen Hildoara held up her hand to call for silence. But the people kept whispering.

    "If I may continue," she spoke in a threatening manner.

    The voices kept going. A hint of anger pulsed through Queen Hildoara. Then, Wisimar stepped forward.

    "Please give my sister your full attention," he said.

    A hush fell over the crowd. Queen Hildoara gave her brother a nod of thanks before continuing.

    "I made an agreement with King Eduard the Defenestrator of Greenrivers and Voivode Dalv Sepet of Weltai. We are going to cooperate with them on a border fort. In the future, I intend to make this lead to more cooperation between our kingdoms," she stated.

    Then, a voice rose up from the crowd.

    "Why should we cooperate with those fools? We''re stronger than them! We should crush them! This would never have happened under King Albinius! A woman should not be our leader!"

    Queen Hildoara looked over the crowd. She saw who was speaking.

    "Count Gento. I see no reason to waste lives fighting people when we have no guarantee of victory. King Eduard the Defenestator sees things the same way that I do. That''s why he only invades people who are weaker than his kingdom. And all of Voivode Dalv''s wars have been deffensive. This is not the opinion of a woman but a group of monarchs, two of whom are far more experienced than I am," Queen Hilodara said.

    The count scoffed.

    "I say you''re just too much of a coward to fight," he stated.

    "Count Gento," Queen Hildoara''s face voice turned to ice. "I will give you a chance to apologize. I am certain you know what the penalty is for insulting a member of the royal family."

    With laughter, the count exclaimed.

    "You wouldn''t punish me! You don''t have the balls!"

    "Guards," Queen Hildoara turned to them. "Take him away and cut off his tongue."

    "Wait, wait!" the noble started.

    Before he could speak further, the guards grabbed him. One of them pulled out a knife and took out Count Gento''s tongue right then and there. Some members of the crowd nodded their approval.

    "It looks like our queen might be capable after all," one said.

    "I was skeptical about being ruled by a woman, but Queen Hildoara is proving that she isn''t soft," another added.

    Other members of the crowd''s minds weren''t changed, but they kept silent. When Hildoara held up her hand for silence, everyone who spoke listened.

    "I expect your full cooperation," she said. "There will be no difficulties with our allies in Greenrivers and Weltai."

    With that, Queen Hildoara turned and left. Wisimir followed her.

    "You did great," he stated.

    She sighed.

    "I hope I did. At least a few more people should respect me now," Queen Hildoara said.

    Then, Duke Carini approached her. Queen Hildoara''s crystal ball was in his hands.

    "Your Majesty, Queen Eleanor of Greenrivers wishes to speak to you," he said.

    "I will talk to her now," Queen Hildoara stated.

    A few moments later, the girl was suppressing a look of sheer horror and disgust.

    "What kind of monster would flood orphanages?" she felt rage build up within her.

 Chapter 40: The Dark Elf Capital

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 Chapter 41: The Stupidest Thing a God Has Ever Seen

    My guide opened the door to my residence in Gran Kuraz. She stepped inside, giving me a bow.

    "Welcome to thine temporary home. Thou wilt live here so long as thou art in Gran Kuraz," my guide said.

    I looked around. As expected, the building was carved into a massive rock. Almost everything was made out of stone. There was even a stone grandfather clock on the wall. It was empowered by magic to tell the time.

    There were some exceptions, like the glowing crystals that floated in the air. They lit up the place. Additionally, various gems lined the walls. The chairs in the room were made of silver. And the doorknobs were made of gold.

    "Allow me to show thee around thine dwellings," my guide spoke.

    "Sure," I replied.

    The Dark Elf walked to the kitchen. It had a stone oven with a chimney attached to it. Aside from that, there was a stone cutting board and several stone cabinets.

    "We hath prepared fine foods for thee that hath been stored here in case thou dost not wish to leave thine dwellings to get food. Though, thou canst also send one of thine servants to call for a meal. We wilt provide it for thee," she said.

    "Thank you," I gave her a bow. "I am grateful for the hospitality of the Dark Elves."

    My guide bowed back.

    "The honor ist ours. It hast been a long time since a Saint has graced our capital," she stated. "Now, I shall show thee the servants'' quarters."

    "In Greenrivers, the custom is for lords to sleep in the same room as their servants," I replied.

    "I must humbly ask that you abide by our sleeping customs while you are here, Saint Gustav. Some may get the wrong idea from thou sleeping with so many others," the Dark Elf said.

    "Well, that''s really fucking suspicious! I mean, she could be worried that people will think I''m a whore, but still," I thought.

    "Yeah. Lords in Greenrivers sleep in the same room as their servants so their bodyguards are right there if someone tries to kill them," D?¨¦??om stated.

    "I''m getting the feeling that someone might want me dead," I pondered. "Most Dark Elves wouldn''t think of killing a Saint, but if a god told them to do it, they might."

    "And the fact that you''re my saint might make you a target. And if another god found out you''re a Godslayer, that would put an even bigger target on your back," D?¨¦??om said.

    "I''ll need to think of some plans to make in case this really is a trap," I thought before speaking. "Very well. I will abide by your customs."

    My guide brought me over to another door. She opened it. Inside of the room was a set of stone beds. Each of them was covered by a sheet of animal hide. There were no floating crystals in this room.

    "This ist thine servants'' quarters," the Dark Elf explained.

    A cringe went through me.

    "Why did they have to have stone beds? Couldn''t they just make mattresses out of dead animals?" I thought.

    "The Dark Elves probably like sleeping on rocks. Their ancestors might have had to do it a lot when they first came down here. Either that or beds not made of rock are too expensive down here, even for nobles," D?¨¦??om said.

    "Well, at least I''m not sleeping on the floor again. Wait, this is the servants'' bedroom..."

    A shudder of dread flowed through me.

    "Can I see my bedroom?" I asked.

    "Of course, Saint Gustav," my guide answered. "Right this way."

    My bedroom had a stone bed that was twice the size of the servant beds. And it had not one, but two animal hide sheets on it. The bed also had a pillow made of solid gold.

    "My neck and head are going to hurt so damn much in the morning," I thought. "I''m so glad this world has healing magic."

    Four statues, each of a different figure that I assumed was an elven god, surrounded the bed. Their eyes were wide open and gazing at it. Fucking great. Even if no one was watching me sleep, I''d feel like someone was.

    I noticed that the stone bed was an extension of the floor. That meant someone couldn''t hide under it. That is, unless...

    Concentrating deeply, I poured magic into my ears to enhance my sense of hearing. I heard some small skittering from outside the building, the fluttering of insect wings, and two people having se...

    Okay, I enhanced it way too much! I removed some of the magic from my ears. Then, I pretended to trip and kicked one of my shoes off. It bounced off the back wall, bounced off the bed, and hit one of the statues.

    I caught myself from my pretend trip. My enhanced ears heard an echo from the inside of the statue my shoe hit.

    "It''s hollow," I thought.

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    "Careful, Saint Gustav!" sheer panic was on my guide''s face.

    She ran over and grabbed the shoe before moving back to me.

    "I''m certain the gods will understand a saint having an accident, but it was almost sacrilege," my guide said.

    "I understand. I''ll be more careful in the future," I replied.

    "D?¨¦??om, don''t tell the other gods about what''s happened here," I thought.

    "Don''t worry. My lips are sealed."

    Honestly, it was an accident. I intended to just hit the bed and only test the statues when my guide was gone. I''d only expected the shoe to make one bounce.

    "Let''s forget this ever happened," my guide said.

    "Okay. But why are these statues here? There aren''t any like them in the servants'' room," I replied.

    "They art here to remind the lord that the gods art always watching him. There ist great need for that. For those with power are the most vulnerable to temptation," she stated.

    I nodded.

    "Alright. I have one more question: what is your name? You never told me, and I was occupied with everything else that was going on."

    A moment of silence flowed through the room.

    "Thou dost not need to know mine name. Thou art a saint, and I am but a humble guard. I am unworthy of thou knowing mine name," she said.

    "And as a saint, I order you to tell me your name," I replied.

    This is getting increasingly suspicious.

    "D?¨¦??om, look carefully at the statues. Do you recognize any of the gods in them?" I thought.

    The guard sighed.

    "Very well. Mine name ist Karnom," she stated.

    "I don''t recognize any of them. But they might be gods I don''t know. It isn''t like I''ve met every single god in existence," D?¨¦??om said.

    Then, all four of the statues burst open. A Dark Elf woman wearing stereotypical ninja clothing appeared where each of them was before. Karnom grabbed my hand and yanked me back, pushing me behind her.

    "What didst thou do to those statues?" she asked.

    "Thou shouldst worry more about thineself," one of the newcomers answered.

    The four Dark Elf...assassins? I think? did a pose worthy of a sentai show. One of them held her arms in the air. Two others held their backs to each other. And the fourth jumped on the arms of the first.

    "We art the shinobi of Dionysus, god of madness!" the first ninja declared.

    Karnom looked at them as if they had lost their fucking minds.

    "D?¨¦??om, is Dionysus allowed to interfere with this world?" I thought.

    There was no response.

    "D?¨¦??om?"

    The god said nothing.

    "D?¨¦??om? Are you alright?" panic flashed through me.

    "Oh, sorry, I''m fine," he said. "I was just stunned. That was the stupidest thing I''ve ever seen in my entire life. And I am literally older than your universe."

    "Which one, my original or my current universe?"

    "Both. Combined."

    I gazed at the shinobi.

    "Well, I can''t deny that Dark Elf ninjas doing a sentai pose working for a Greek god of insanity from another world is pretty stupid," I thought.

    The shinobi exited their pose. Then, they each drew a weapon. One had nunchucks. One had a rope dart. One had a flail. And the final had a lit bomb.

    Oh, fuck, the final had a lit bomb!

    She threw it at us, making me wish that I had learned wind magic.

    Karnom raised her hand. A magical shield formed in front of us. The bomb exploded, but her spell stopped it from doing any damage. A wall of smoke formed in front of us.

    "I didst not expect it to explode," she said. "I hath never seen a weapon like that before."

    When the smoke cleared, the ninjas were gone. Pure rage crossed Karnom''s face.

    "Destroying statues of gods and assaulting a saint. I shall make these heretics pay for their blasphemy!" she shouted.

    I heard a noise coming from above. Pouring magic into my arms and legs, I boosted my strength and speed. My hands shoved Karnom forward while I jumped back.

    One of the shinobi jumped down between me and Karnom. She was now dual-wielding her flail and a shoehorn.

    "Hail Dionysus!" she shouted.

    Karnom turned and struck with centuries of combat experience and magical power buildup. There was a blade of stone on her hand, like a giant punching dagger. She swung at the ninja, bisecting her horizontally. Then, the guard jumped back, grabbing me just in time to avoid a rain of boiling wine.

    "Why didst they attack with wine?" Karnom questioned.

    "Because Dionysus is also the god of wine," I said.

    "Wine and madness. Truly a fitting combination."

    "No!" a shout came from the bedroom. "She slew Lemna!"

    Another roar rang out.

    "You aren''t elven!"

    A fireball emerged in Karnom''s hand. It flew into the bedroom. Just as it exploded, the remaining three ninjas leaped out. They avoided the blast and threw a rain of wine-soaked shuriken at us.

    Karnom made another magical shield with incredible speed. The shuriken bounced off. Then, the ninjas charged up. They slammed their melee weapons into the shield, and it shattered.

    The shinobi closed in, but Karnom moved so quickly that I could barely see her.

    "I shall underestimate thee no longer," she said.

    One of the ninjas was bisected vertically. Another''s chest exploded from a point-blank fireball. The third''s head was flung from her body. It landed right at my feet, empty eyes gazing at my face.

    Karnom closed her eyes. She then breathed a sigh of relief.

    "There art no other assassins," the Dark Elf stated.

    Then, Karnom turned to me, concern on her face.

    "Art thou okay, Saint Gustav?" she asked.

    "I think I''m traumatized now," I answered. "But aside from that, I''m fine."

    "Good. Thou art a human man, which makes thee like a woman for us. And there ist nothing better for a woman than trauma."

    That is not even remotely true!

    "In just a few more decades, thou wilt become a warrior yet," Karnom smiled.

    "Decades?" I asked.

    "Yes. Thou art still young, only around 45 by mine reckoning. Thou art worthy to be a soldier, but mainly in times of desperation," she answered.

    "I''m 15," I replied.

    Utter shock coated Karnom''s face.

    "Thou art that young? That ist barely out of swaddling age!" she exclaimed.

    "Yes. I''m 15," I said.

    "Then...how long do humans without magic live?"

    "Between 60 and 80 years normally."

    Karnom shivered.

    "I knew that humans without magic do not live as long as elves without magic, but I didst not know it was this bad. I thought thine kind wouldst regularly live into thine hundreds. Perhaps that ist why the gods bless thine kind with so many saints? Thine short lifespan means thou needst their guidance more than us," she speculated.

    "Yeah, sure, let''s go with that," I said before thinking. "Not that she''d believe the real reason why, even though the gods told the Dark Elves it already."

    Then, I turned to the charred remains of my bedroom. A shiver went down my spine.

    "I''m going to need a new place to stay, one much more heavily guarded, especially if I''m sleeping on my own," I said.

    "I shall inform Kiptin Krualuc immediately," Karnom replied.

    "Preferably a place with magical defenses."

    "It shall be done. No harm can come to a Saint in Gran Kuraz of all cities. It would disgrace the honor of all Dark Elves," she stated.

    Then, a look of complete and utter hatred crossed her face.

    "And we shall hunt down the blasphemers worshipping this...Dionysus, shouldst there be any of them left. They hath committed sacrilege and shall not be forgiven. Dionysus may be a god, but he ist not one of our gods," Karnom said.

    "So, D?¨¦??om, is Dionysus supposed to be in this world?" I thought.

    My patron god sighed.

    "He isn''t."

    "Do you think he''s working with Poseidon?"

    "Dionysus might be," D?¨¦??om said. "But good luck figuring out why that drunken lunatic does anything, especially after he''s downed his 45th barrel of wine for the day."

 Chapter 42: Stories of Mythology

    I was in a very secure place. It was a room at the top of a tall tower on the outskirts of Gran Kuraz, carved from a massive cave column. Numerous magical wards and countless guards protected it. If the city was under siege, the queen of the Dark Elves herself would stay there.

    "There. Thou wilt be safe here. Even an army ten times the size of Gran Kuraz''s garrison wouldst have trouble penetrating Lenda Tower," a Dark Elf woman smiled.

    "I''ll have to thank Her Majesty for letting me stay here, Kiptin Myrana," I said.

    "There ist no need for that. Shouldst an ambassador or a saint come to harm while in Gran Kuraz, it wouldst be a stain on Her Majesty''s honor. This ist her duty as queen."

    A voice came from the door.

    "Kiptin Myrana, some humans and a minotaur hath arrived. They claim to be Saint Gustav''s retainers. They did not use magic to disguise themselves," it said.

    "Let them in," I ordered.

    The moment the door was open, Joanna ran over to me.

    "Thank the gods, you''re safe, Gustav!" she breathed a massive sigh of relief.

    Joanna pulled up my hair and placed her hand on my forehead. She cast a healing spell on me, but I didn''t have any injuries to heal. Her shoulders slumped over as solace overtook her body.

    Astrid, Johannes, and Dr. Minos followed her inside. Dr. Minos made a bull noise.

    "I see. Kless is still dealing with the crowd," I nodded.

    "We were barely in the city when we heard that you were attacked," Johannes said.

    "Kless did everything she could to make sure we could get to you as soon as possible," Astrid clenched her fists. "If only we were there."

    I waved it off.

    "You don''t need to worry. Karnom did a great job of protecting me," I assured them.

    "Yes. She hast done her duty well," Kiptin Myrana stated.

    Joanna narrowed her eyes.

    "Don''t need to worry?" she questioned. "Someone tried to kill you, Gustav! What if they try again? You might be safe here..."

    Her tone told me that she didn''t believe I was fully safe.

    "...but what about when you have to leave? You have to do some religious ritual and attend to your diplomatic abilities," Joanna pointed out.

    "I meant that you didn''t have to worry that you weren''t there," I clarified. "You really do need to worry now. For all we know, there could be hundreds of assassins in Gran Kuraz."

    Terror pulsed through Joanna. Astrid and Johannes looked nervous. Even Dr. Minos was coated with apprehension. Or at least, I assumed he was. It''s kind of hard to tell with minotaurs.

    "You are not helping," D?¨¦??om said.

    "I''m just being realistic," I thought.

    Kiptin Myrana gave a proud smile.

    "None of thee needth to worry while thou art in here. This tower ist the pride of Gran Kuraz. And we will increase security when thou travel outside of it. We''ve already flushed Gran Kuraz with warriors and spellcasters. No saint shall be assassinated in a city of the gods'' most devoted followers," she stated.

    "I''m sure we will be safe in here," I said. "Now, could I be alone with my retainers for a bit? I want to speak with them in private."

    Kiptin Myrana bowed.

    "Of course, Saint Gustav," she replied.

    The Dark Elf left the room. I then sighed.

    "Something weird happened," I said.

    "What?" Joanna asked.

    I explained the details of my assassination attempt to my retainers. By the end of it, looks of confusion were on their faces.

    "What''s a ninja?" Johannes questioned.

    "They''re a type of spy from my old world," I answered. "Specifically, from a place called Japan. Japan is on the other side of the word from where Dionysus was worshipped."

    Joanna pondered.

    "And what sort of god is Dionysus? Is he like Poseidon?" she wondered.

    "They''re from the same pantheon, but they''re very different gods," I stated.

    Confused expressions crossed everyone in the room.

    "And what''s a pantheon?" Astrid spoke up.

    "It''s a group of gods. In my old world, different people worshipped different sets of gods," I said before thinking. "Right. The people of this world all worship the same gods. The idea of different groups of gods wouldn''t even occur to them."

    Joanna contemplated for a moment.

    "I recall you saying people stopped worshipping Poseidon in favor of Jesus," she said.

    "Yes. It''s a bit like that except a lot of sets of gods coexisted with each other," I replied. "But people tended to not believe in gods other than the ones they worshipped."

    "That makes no sense," Astrid stated. "Why didn''t the gods all just tell people they exist?"

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    "D?¨¦??om, why..." I started.

    "That is something that varies from world to world. It has a lot to do with various diplomatic agreements gods make," he interrupted me.

    I nodded.

    "D?¨¦??om says that it''s because of god rules," I said.

    "Right. Got it. So, Dionysus and Poseidon know each other?" Astrid asked.

    "Dionysus is Poseidon''s nephew," I confirmed.

    Dr. Minos made a bull noise.

    "They might be working together, but they might not too. Dionysus is a god of wine and insanity, so he could just be drunk or going through some insane fit," I said.

    "Wine and insanity," Joanna sighed. "I''m not even surprised there''s someone who''s the god of both."

    I nodded.

    "Most people in my old world think of Dionysus as a friendly wine god who just wants to party and have fun. But that comes from later depictions of Dionysus. Earlier Dionysus was a darker god. His followers sometimes did some pretty horrible things, according to the stories about them."

    "And this is why gods shouldn''t go through edgy teenage phases," D?¨¦??om said.

    Joanna pondered.

    "What sort of things?" she asked.

    "There was a poet called Orpheus, and he didn''t want to have sex with women after his wife died. So, a group of Dionysus'' female followers tore him to pieces."

    Complete and utter shock crossed the faces of literally everyone in the room. I never knew that it was possible to recognize when someone with the head of a bull was shocked.

    "That is horrible! I''m glad Dionysus doesn''t have any followers here!" Astrid said. "They really killed him for not having sex with women?"

    "According to Ovid, they did. Aeschylus, in one of his lost plays, wrote that Orpheus was killed because he started worshipping a god named Apollo and stopped worshipping the other gods. And Ovid had a political agenda with what he wrote," I replied.

    A sigh of relief escaped her mouth.

    "Well, that''s good. Then, this pantheon of gods probably didn''t kill men for not having sex with women," Astrid smiled.

    I said nothing. She noticed my silence.

    "Why aren''t you saying anything?" Astrid asked.

    "So, I think you''re about to be very grateful that the Greek gods aren''t allowed to do things in this world," I said.

    A look of sheer terror crossed her face. Joanna clasped her hands in prayer.

    "Thank you, D?¨¦??om, for keeping those gods away from us," she uttered.

    "You''re welcome," D?¨¦??om replied.

    "So, there''s a goddess named Aphrodite. She is either Poseidon''s niece or his aunt..." I started.

    "She''s both," my patron god informed me.

    Shock came over me.

    "What? I thought in one version, she was born from Oranos'' severed ballsack. And in another, she was a daughter of Zeus."

    "Yes. Both versions are true, and you know what Zeus is like," D?¨¦??om said.

    I shivered.

    "Okay, Aphrodite is Poseidon''s niece and his aunt," I stated. "And no, it''s not what you''re thinking. It''s worse."

    My retainers looked like they were going to vomit.

    "Aphrodite is a Greek goddess of love, sex, and beauty. And there''s another Greek goddess, Aphrodite''s sister, called Artemis. Artemis is a virgin goddess of the hunt. She has a group of huntresses who serve her but take oaths of chastity. Artemis had one hunter who served her," I said.

    Astrid shivered.

    "Please, gods, no. Don''t tell me that Aphrodite killed Artemis'' hunter for refusing to have sex with women," she stated.

    "Okay, I won''t tell you that," I replied.

    A moment of silence passed.

    "Just continue the story," Astrid sighed. "I''m already feeling much more grateful for the gods of our world. I want to keep feeling that gratitude."

    "Aphrodite did not kill that hunter for not having sex," I said.

    "Thank the gods."

    "She made his mother-in-law fall in love with him and beg him for sex."

    Astrid was at a complete loss for words. Joanna sighed.

    "How...why...what..." Johannes was trying to comprehend what I just told everyone.

    "The hunter, Hippolytus, refused. So, his mother-in-law killed herself and left a suicide note saying Hippolytus raped her."

    Everyone but me was dead silent. Well, Dr. Minos was nodding along with fascination in his eyes. He was recovering from his shock pretty quickly. Not surprising, considering how minotaurs were from Greek Mythology in my world.

    "Hippolytus'' father, Theseus, saw this suicide note and his dead wife. So, he told his father, Poseidon, to kill Hippolytus. Artemis revealed the truth to Theseus, but it was too late at that point. Hippolytus was already mortally wounded by Poseidon''s sea monsters," I continued. "And Atremis got revenge by killing one of Aphrodite''s mortal lovers."

    After another moment of stunned silence, Astrid shivered.

    "Aphrodite doesn''t like that Hippolytus won''t have sex. So, to punish him, she makes his mother-in-law fall so deeply in love with him that she kills herself when he rejects her," Astrid started.

    "Yes," I nodded.

    "Then, she kills herself, and Theseus has Hippolytus killed because of her suicide note."

    "That is exactly what happened," D?¨¦??om confirmed.

    "That is exactly what happened," I said.

    Astrid and Johannes both trembled in fear.

    "Because he swore an oath of chastity to another god, Aphrodite''s own sister...Aphrodite got a woman who had nothing to do with this killed, got Hippolytus killed, and made Hippolytus'' father lose his wife and be the one who ordered his own son''s death. And to get back at Aphrodite, Artemis kills an innocent man," Astrid stated.

    "Yes," I replied.

    Joanna clasped her hands tighter.

    "Thank you so much, D?¨¦??om, for keeping the Greek gods far, far, far away from this world. And please, make sure they stay out of here," she said.

    "I am going to have a very stern talk with Dionysus soon. Probably other members of his pantheon as well. If he''s working with Poseidon, that''ll be trouble," D?¨¦??om stated.

    "D?¨¦??om says that he''s going to do his best to keep them away," I relayed his message.

    "Thank you," Joanna prayed.

    Johannes sat on a chair.

    "That''s...heavy. I didn''t think there were any gods like that," he said.

    "I''m not going to mention that a bunch of gods want to wipe out humanity," I thought.

    "Good," D?¨¦??om replied. "They''d probably all have heart attacks if you told them. It''s one thing for people who live in a world where they don''t know for sure whether or not there are gods to talk about gods wanting to wipe out humanity. It''s another thing if you''re from a world where people know for a fact that gods exist."

    Astrid sighed.

    "This feels surreal. Everything about it is like some sort of fever dream," she stated.

    "I feel the same way. I can''t believe all this is happening," Johannes said.

    A hint of guilt flowed through me. They could end up being targeted by Dionysus, and it was because they were my retainers.

    "If any of you want to leave my service..." I started.

    Johannes put a hand over his mouth.

    "Gustav, you are smart. Don''t say stupid things. We''re all with you, and we''re not leaving," he said.

    The boy removed his hand.

    "Alright," I nodded. "Right now, we should plan things out in case more of...Dionysus'' Dark Elf ninja get into this tower."

    I felt stupid just saying that.

    "Ninjas are spies. That means they rely on stealth, right?" Joanna asked.

    "Yes. Stealth is the main strength of ninja," I answered. "Or at least it was with ninja in my world when they were doing ninja activities. These Dark Elf ninja seem more like..."

    I struggled to find the right words to explain to my retainers that they were more like Hollywood ninja than real shinobi. Mainly because no one in this world knew what Hollywood was.

    "...caricatures of ninja with very little in common with the ninja in my world," was the best way I could put it.

    Astrid raised her hand.

    "Yes?" I asked.

    "Why don''t we just shoot them with magic if they show up?" she questioned.

    I looked around. This tower didn''t have any windows. You''d need a massive amount of magical power to destroy the floor under us. The roof was a pure cave ceiling, covered in runes. There was only one way in. That was the front door.

    "That''s a good idea. We could use the door as a choke point, and Joanna could just blast them," I nodded. "But we can''t underestimate them. What if they get inside through magic, like walking through walls or something?"

    There were runes to prevent that, in case ghosts were sent to attack the tower, but it was still possible to get through those runes with enough effort.

    "Then, we can just stab them," Astrid suggested.

    "Good idea," I nodded. "Sometimes, the simplest approach is the best. And this room doesn''t have much space. There isn''t enough space for magical combat," I pointed out.

    Joanna smiled with pride.

    "Good assessment. Magic is generally better than swords, but for a room like this, swords are the superior weapon," she said.

    And with that, our plan had been decided. Now, I just had to wait for the religious ritual where I would meet the queen of the Dark Elves.

 Chapter 43: The Ceremony Begins

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 Chapter 44: Ceremonys Conclusion

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 Chapter 45: Negotiations Begin

    I was in the room my retainers had been assigned to stay in. They were with me. Their quarters were a large place with beds made of solid stone with warm blankets. The pillows were made of soft metal, but it was still metal.

    Aside from those, the decor was fairly luxurious. Gems dotted the walls, there were numerous images of gods engraved in the room, and there were little stone flaps next to the holes where glowing crystals were placed on the walls. These bits of rock could be moved to close off the holes. This would block the light. Because I guess the Dark Elves either didn''t have a way to turn the glowing crystals off, or they were too lazy to figure out how.

    "Their pillows are made of metal," Joanna groaned.

    "This is soft metal," Johannes said. "It should be fine for a pillow. At least, I think it''ll be better than rocks. And I would know. I sometimes used rocks as pillows when I lived in the wilderness."

    Astrid poked one of the metal pillows. She then ran her hand over it.

    "I''m not sure about that. But I used leaves as pillows when I was in the wilderness, so I might not be an expert."

    "Don''t worry. I used leaves most of the time. I just used rocks when I couldn''t find leaves," Johannes assured her.

    A question came to my mind.

    "D?¨¦??om, can you turn metal into silk?" I thought.

    "If I''m in the room with the metal, I can. But then, I''d need to go to the land of the King Elves. I''m not going anywhere near there," he replied.

    "Fair enough."

    Astrid pondered a moment. Then, a smile crossed her face.

    "Do you think I could use these metal pillows for my swordsmanship training?" she questioned.

    A knock came at the door. Dr. Minos opened it, and a Dark Elf woman in high-quality armor stepped inside. She had a few others with her, some of whom I recognized as guards from my meeting with the queen. There was a look of shock on her face as she saw the minotaur.

    "I heard that Saint Gustav had a minotaur amongst his retinue, but to actually see it..." her jaw slackened.

    She then shook her head before turning to me.

    "My apologies," the Dark Elf bowed. "My name ist Kuren. I hath been assigned by Her Majesty to train thine retainers in Dark Elf sword technique, upon thine request."

    Astrid''s eyes lit up. I gestured to her.

    "This is who you''re teaching swordsmanship to," I said.

    "Thank you for your lessons," Astrid gave a quick bow.

    She shot me a smile before turning to Johannes.

    "I''m sure you''d be happy to train with me," Astrid stated.

    "Of course, I would," he replied with a warm smile.

    Kuren spoke up.

    "Saint Gustav, Her Majesty also wishes to ask thee what sort of magic practice you wish for someone to help your retainers with," she said.

    "The basics and magic item creation," I replied. "Johannes especially needs to learn the latter. He isn''t ready to actually make magic items, but he should know the theory."

    I gestured to him. Kuren nodded.

    "Very well. I hath some knowledge in magic item creation. So, I shall aid in this manner too," she stated.

    "Thank you," Johannes said, giving her a nod.

    Then, he gave me a nod too.

    "When can we get started?" Astrid asked, barely containing her excitement.

    "Right now, if thou wishts," Kuren stated. "We can start with basic techniques in the training room."

    "Go on, then," I encouraged Johannes and Astrid.

    After that, the two left the room, following Kuren and the other Dark Elves. Soon after they left, Kless entered the room.

    "I saw thine retainers with Lady Kuren and some guards. What wast that about?" she asked.

    "Oh, I got the queen to send someone to teach them Dark Elf sword fighting and some magic," I answered. "She sent Kuren."

    Kless nodded.

    "Kuren ist an excellent choice. She hast taught sword technique for six hundred years," she said.

    "That''s impressive," I stated.

    Considering how long Dark Elves lived before magic came into the world, I guessed that Kuren was middle-aged when she stopped aging.

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    "There art no better teachers among the Dark Elves," Kless smiled.

    She then sat on one of the stone beds.

    "Thine retainers hath an incredible room. These beds art so hard that they could snap maces."

    "Is that some sort of expression?" I asked.

    "Yes. Maces art not used often down here. So, their durability ist exaggerated by Dark Elves," Kless answered.

    She ran her hand across the bed.

    "Still, there art few beds harder than these. Her Majesty used magic to make them hard."

    I groaned.

    "Kless, there are humans that like hard beds. I''m one of them. But if a bed is literally as hard as rock because it is rock, that''s a bit much for us," I said.

    The Dark Elf blinked. Then, she nodded.

    "Right. Humans art from a world where there art fewer rocks than down here," Kless stated. "I suppose the humans who complimented the beds were''t being kind for diplomatic reasons?"

    "Either that, or they liked extremely hard beds," I replied. "I mean, I think Johannes really liked the rock beds. So, maybe other people do too?"

    "It could be that most of the merchants that go down here are the sort that like rock beds. Though, I find that unlikely," Joanna said.

    I nodded.

    "So, what did the Queen want you here for, Kless?" I asked.

    "To ask me a few questions about how things art going in mine outpost," Kless answered.

    "And to ask you questions about me too," I stated.

    The Dark Elf opened her mouth, but I spoke fast.

    "I don''t mind that," I said. "I don''t even mind you not telling me. This is the way things like this are supposed to go."

    Kless sighed.

    "Her Majesty asked me nothing bout thee. She thought there wast little need to question someone about the intentions of a Saint," she said.

    "How? Is she really that religious?" I questioned.

    "Thou underestimates how religious the Dark Elves here art," Kless said.

    "I don''t think that''s possible after everything I''ve seen," I replied.

    A dark chuckle came out of her mouth.

    "Thou hast barely seen a single percentage of how religious they art. I am grateful that thou wilt not be here for long. Otherwise, thou shall experience far more than thou couldst imagine," Kless stated.

    "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..." D?¨¦??om started.

    I looked at my hand. It was pale white.

    "Oh, that''s good," I said, a smile on my face. "Either that or my brain broke."

    A thought came to Joanna.

    "What does D?¨¦??om have to say about this?" she asked.

    "...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..." the god continued.

    "He''s screaming," I said.

    Joanna sighed.

    "I''d probably be screaming too if I was a god. The Dark Elves'' devotion is a bit much," she stated.

    "...UUUUCK," D?¨¦??om finished. "Okay, new rule: if you ever see the full extent of how religious the Dark Elves are, I am finding a god of memory so he can make us both forget about it."

    Confusion flowed through me.

    "I''ll probably want to forget too, but what if I want to remember?" I thought.

    "I can see your memories! I''m not risking it!" D?¨¦??om said.

    "Good point. Try to get some of those gods of memory on speed dial."

    "If the worst happens, I can always bash myself in the head with a hammer until I forget," the god stated. "Since I''m immortal, that might actually work for me."

    "Or you could get your memories back when your brain heals."

    "Fuck, that''s right! God brains heal completely! I''ll have to rely on my memory-erasing plan."

    Kless saw my expression. She placed a hand on my shoulder.

    "Look, Gustav, the point is that Her Majesty won''t doubt that this is a trade agreement negotiation. And I''ve known you long enough that I won''t doubt it either. You''ll both do what you''re supposed to do in the deal to the best of your abilities," the Dark Elf stated.

    She retracted your hand.

    "Understood," I replied.

    D?¨¦??om sighed.

    "To be fair to the Dark Elves, gods choose their saints very carefully. They don''t just make random people into saints," he said. "But also to be fair in the opposite way, this world''s God of the Sea made a pirate into a saint."

    "Wasn''t he also a natural biologist?" I recalled who D?¨¦??om was talking about.

    "Yes, he was. But he was still a pirate."

    Then, a knock came at the door.

    "Who is it?" I asked.

    "''tis I, Loonia. Thou told me that thou wouldst have time now?" she said.

    "I do. Come on in."

    Loonia entered. A Dark Elf man was next to her. He wore a set of robes that trailed behind him. His hair was cut short, and the elf''s face was very angular. Around his neck hung a golden chain with a knot-like medallion hanging off it. Both this elf and Loonia bowed deeply when they saw me.

    "I presume this is your husband, Loonia?" I questioned.

    "Yes. Thank thee, Saint Gustav, for making time to meet him," she answered.

    "It isn''t any issue, really," I said.

    The Dark Elf man smiled.

    "Mine name ist Mervis of the Klearan Order. I am honored to meet thee, Saint Gustav," he stated.

    "It''s good to meet you too," I nodded.

    A moment of awkward silence passed.

    "Umm...do you want my autograph or something?" I asked.

    "What ist an autograph?" Mervis wondered.

    "Never mind," I said. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

    He nodded.

    "I wouldst like to ask thee if the gods art planning on making Dark Elf saints soon," Mervis replied.

    "No," D?¨¦??om stated.

    "They''re not," I said.

    Mervis and Loonia sighed.

    "''tis a shame. It seems we art still being tested by the gods," the former looked glum.

    "Do not worry thineself, mine love," Loonia gave him a reassuring smile. "We art the gods'' most devout servants. They wilt no doubt make Dark Elves into saints soon."

    "That''s about as likely as them starting praying to humans," I thought.

    Still, things were going well. I''d get the trade deal hammered out sometime in the next few days. Then I''d be able to leave the land of the Dark Elves. I''ll hopefully never come back. But I''ll keep up correspondence with Kless, writing letters to her and such.

    And when I return to the surface world, my parents will probably have already gotten things set up with Cinnamon. This trade deal will give us everything we need to solve our problem with the High Elves. Then, I can focus on making things better for the commoners of Greenrivers.

    So, unless something stupid, something annoying, or something horrible happens, I''ll be fine.

    That''s when I remembered my luck.

    "Oh, fuck," I thought.

    "What is it?" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "One of three things is going to happen when I get back to the surface world. I''m going to find out something stupid happened, I''m going to find out something annoying happened, or I''m going to find out that something horrible happened. There''s no way things can keep going well for me."

    A moment of silence passed.

    "You''re forgetting the worst possible option," D?¨¦??om said.

    "What''s that?" I thought.

    "The option is that you found out something annoying happened, something stupid happened, and something horrible happened," he replied.

    I felt a knot form in my stomach. Nausea welled up.

    "You''re right. That is worse. Much worse."

    Then, a thought came to me.

    "You''re the God of Exposition. You know if something bad''s happening, right?" I asked.

    D?¨¦??om sighed.

    "I do. I''ve been keeping tabs on Greenrivers, Motteburh, and other parts of this world," he answered. "And I haven''t told you what''s happening out there for a reason."

    "Why is that?"

    "Because if I did, you''d never be able to focus on your current job. And there''s nothing you can do to get out of it right now," D?¨¦??om said.

    I gulped.

    "How bad is it?"

    "For now, let''s just say that Dionysus isn''t the only Greek God I''m pissed off at."

    Fuck.

 Chapter 46: Interlude 7

    King Eduard the Defenestrator sat on his throne, heavy lines in his eyes from lack of sleep. Tiredness assailed his body. Queen Eleanor was in another part of the castle, overseeing maintenance. Numerous reports and documents were in front of King Eduard. One of the monarch''s hands was lifting a piece of paper while the other was clenched so hard it was pale.

    "More reports of these bandits and floodings, but none of them have been captured," he noted. "Is there any good news?"

    "We managed to kill a few of them," a knight in front of the monarch said.

    "That''s better than nothing, but not good enough," King Eduard stated.

    He stood up, a grimace on his face.

    "Double our patrols," the king ordered.

    "But Your Majesty, we''ve already more than doubled them!" another knight objected. "The palace is vulnerable!"

    "I will handle any threats to the palace," King Eduard said. "I will not accept bandits raiding Greenrivers or orphanages being flooded. Now, go."

    Without hesitation, the knights moved out to follow their king''s orders. King Eduard stood up and started walking to his castle''s courtyard.

    "Perhaps I need some fresh air?" the monarch thought. "No. I got enough of that when I was out in the field. I wasn''t able to do enough to stop these bandits, and I''ve stayed away from the palace for too long."

    The monarch passed by a row of statues. One of them looked just like him while the older sculptures were different. When he got to the oldest, it wore a toga. King Eduard looked over them.

    "I wonder what my ancestors are thinking now? Their descendant obtained eternal youth, something they would have killed for, and is turning their kingdom into a true empire. Just for someone to start drowning orphans. King Forgath probably wouldn''t care. King Dietrich would likely be disappointed. King Bjorn III is probably trying to break down the gates of the afterlife to help me."

    Eduard kept walking. He eventually entered the courtyard. It had a beautiful garden in it, decorated with flowers from all over Greenrivers. A golden fountain stood in the center. Plants with glowing orbs on their stalks kept the courtyard lit even at night. The king looked up, seeing the stars and moon shining above.

    "The gods sent this trial my way for a reason. I will trust in their will," King Eduard thought.

    "Boom, baby!"

    A voice shouted. King Eduard jumped to the side, dodging an attack with a trident that slammed into the ground. Plants and dirt splashed everywhere from the shockwave. Eduard''s sword was drawn in a second, defending him from a thrust from the trident. His opponent jumped back and landed on the roof of a building in the courtyard.

    "It has been a while since an assassin came to kill me," King Eduard spoke before thinking. "He must be quite clever to have gotten past Duke Armand''s schemes."

    The man on the roof flourished his trident.

    "I''m no assassin, baby! I''m Laestrygon, son and Saint of Poseidon!" he declared.

    "There is no god called Poseidon," King Eduard replied with anger in his voice. "And the penalty for trying to kill the king is being hung, drawn, and quartered. The penalty for impersonating a saint is defenestration."

    "That don''t matter, baby, you''re gonna die here!" there was a wide smile on Laestrygon''s face. "When I was a little kid, my daddy asked me what I wanted to be. And I said: I wanna be bad, daddy, real bad!"

    King Eduard sighed.

    "Why do I always get the insane assassins?" he wondered.

    "And I am bad, real bad! That''s why I flooded those orphanages, baby!" Laestrygon declared.

    King Eduard the Defenestrator''s exhaustion faded like a puddle in the desert.

    "You flooded them?" a cold anger flowed through the monarch''s body.

    "That''s right, baby!" Laestrygon grinned widely.

    "Why?" King Eduard asked.

    "Because it was fun, baby!"

    "Do you really think I''d believe such a blatant lie?" the monarch scoffed. "No one would find drowning orphans fun."

    Laestrygon kept his smile.

    "I do, baby! I''m bad, real bad, baby!"

    King Eduard''s eyes narrowed.

    "You will tell me who ordered you to kill those orphans," he said.

    "No one did! It was all my idea!" Laestrygon hooked a thumb at his chest.

    The monarch raised his hand, palm open. Lightning charged in it.

    "I will have the truth from you, one way or another," King Eduard stated.

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    "Too bad, baby! ''cause I got some new tricks!"

    Water formed around Laestrygon''s feet. It boosted his speed. When Laestrygon moved, there was a crack as he broke the sound barrier. And he only sped up from there.

    Laestrygon jumped from rooftop to the ground to the side of the castle wall to rooftop and back again. To a normal person, he moved so fast that he was invisible.

    Someone with Gustav''s level of enhanced vision would see a parade of afterimages. More than that, they''d see afterimages with afterimages. And afterimages of the afterimages'' afterimages. And afterimages that have afterimages on their afterimages'' afterimages.

    King Eduard saw no afterimages. His eyes were locked on Laestrygon''s true body. The demigod jumped into the air, moving over the monarch. Water wrapped around Laestrygon''s arms to increase the speed of his trident.

    "Take this, baby! Thousand afterimage strike!" he shouted.

    Laestrygon thrust his trident down with enough force to turn a tank into a coin smaller than a dime. He moved so fast that...no, I already described his speed. You don''t need to hear about it again.

    Anyway, King Eduard grabbed Laestrygon''s trident with one hand. It stopped dead in its tracks.

    Laestrygon planted his legs on King Eduard''s arms. He yanked his trident back as hard as he could. It wouldn''t budge a single millimeter. Fear slowly flowed through the demigod. An ''oh, shit!'' look crossed his face.

    "Maybe we could talk about this, baby?" Laestrygon asked.

    King Eduard grabbed his sword by the blade and slammed its guard into Laestrygon''s gut. The demigod went flying into the air. Eduard jumped up after him, moving higher than Laestrygon was. Then, he shot a blast of wind point-blank into the demigod.

    Laestrygon crashed to the ground like a comet. King Eduard summoned a magical shield below him. When the demigod collided with it, there was a cracking sound as every single bone in his body shattered.

    King Eduard landed on the ground and released the shield. Laestrygon fell to the ground. The monarch saw that the demigod was unconscious but still breathing.

    Then, a group of guards ran into the courtyard.

    "Your Majesty! We heard a commotion!" one of them called out.

    They saw part of the courtyard destroyed and King Eduard standing over Laestrygon''s unconscious body.

    "I was merely dealing with this piece of human refuse," King Eduard explained. "Put him in magical bindings and take him to the torture chamber. We are going to thoroughly question him later."

    A few days later, in Vandalland, Queen Hildoara was sitting in her castle''s great hall. Numerous knights and nobles lined the halls. In front of the monarch was a group of men and women in the fanciest clothes money could buy. It was all feathers, black and gold silk, and countless bits of jewelry. They had smiles on their faces. Queen Hildoara gave them a polite smile back.

    "Welcome to my palace in Vandalland. I am honored to receive dignitaries from Motteburh," she said.

    "The honor is ours," one of the women replied. "I''m certain that we can relate over a few things."

    Hildoara kept up her smile.

    "They had a woman speak first. This was intentional. They think that a woman might be able to get me to agree with something better than a man can," she thought.

    "Then, tell me what you need," Hildoara said.

    "This is about the alliance you have with Greenrivers and Weltai," the woman stated.

    "It is no alliance. We are cooperating on one small issue."

    "Of course, Your Majesty. But you are cooperating with two of the four major powers on the continent. And Vandalland is a third major power. I believe you can understand the issue."

    Hildoara nodded.

    "If relations sour between Motteburh and Greenrivers, Weltai, or Vandalland, they might have to deal with all three of them. I can understand why they''d be nervous," she thought before speaking. "What do you want, then?"

    "From one woman to another, I request that you end your cooperation with Greenrivers and Weltai," the emissary said.

    The people in the room didn''t even have time to react before Hildoara responded.

    "No."

    The emissary blinked in shock.

    "What do you mean?" she asked.

    "I already signed the treaty with King Eduard the Defenestrator and Voivode Dalv Sepet," Hildoara answered. "Whether I''m a man or a woman has nothing to do with it. I am a monarch. And any monarch who does not keep their word is nothing more than a base tyrant."

    An air of coldness came over the room. It flowed out of the emissaries. Their smiles faded.

    "Listen here..." the woman started.

    "You will not give me orders," Hildoara interrupted her.

    The emissary clenched her teeth so hard they cracked.

    "Do you really think you can trust Greenrivers or Weltai? They will betray you the first chance they get!" she declared.

    "Voivode Dalv Sepet is not the sort of man who would betray this sort of agreement. He would not be a saint of Krewh if he would. As for King Eduard, this agreement benefits him and his kingdom as much as it does me and Vandalland. He''s a monarch with ambitions of conquest, but he will act in the best interest of Greenrivers," Hildoara pointed out.

    The emissary looked down on Hildoara. It was the way an adult looked down on a child who spoke out of turn.

    "Then, allow me to deliver my demands: break your deal with Greenrivers and Weltai, or else," she said.

    "Or else what?" Hildoara asked.

    "We will write you a very angry letter," the emissary answered.

    The monarch blinked in shock.

    "That''s it?" she asked.

    "You have two of the three powers on your side. There isn''t much else we can..." the emissary shook her head. "I mean, no, that''s not it! Of course, not!"

    "The answer is no," Hildoara said.

    "Please," another emissary spoke up.

    "No."

    The emissaries huddled together for a moment. One of them cast a spell to keep anyone from listening in on their conversation. However, Hildoara''s magic broke through their barrier.

    "What should we do? We thought she''d fall for that!" an emissary said.

    "It seems that Hildoara is a true adult and not just some naive child," another replied.

    "Those damn Vandalland bastards, forcing their children to mature quickly!"

    "Whatever the case may be, that does not change our mission," a third stated. "We need to go with the dragon option."

    "Right."

    The emissaries ended their huddle. They turned towards Hildoara with serious expressions.

    "If you don''t break your agreement, we will stop all trade between Motteburh and Vandalland," an emissary threatened.

    "Do that," Hildoara said. "Vandalland does not need your trade."

    "Very well. We will."

    And with that, the emissaries bowed and left the building.

    Soon after, Queen Hildoara was in a room with Prince Wisimir and Duke Carini. Utter panic was flashing through her.

    "I didn''t think they''d call my bluff," she said.

    "You were bluffing?" Prince Wisimir asked.

    "Yes, I was. We need that trade," Hildoara answered.

    "Why? Most merchants don''t go more than a city or two away."

    Duke Carini nodded.

    "That is true. And under normal circumstances, we wouldn''t need them," he explained. "But Vandalland is already suffering economically. We can''t afford any losses, however minor."

    "Weltai is too far away to make up for the lost trade, and I don''t trust King Eduard the Defenestrator enough to talk to him. Even if he''s cooperating with us right now, King Eduard is still a conquering lion," Queen Hildoara said.

    She then grabbed a crystal ball.

    "I''m calling Gustav. We''ve held off asking him for help long enough," the monarch stated.

    Hildoara selected Gustav''s number from her contacts. After a few moments, Gutsav''s face appeared on her crystal ball. His next words did not fill Hildoara with confidence.

    "Please tell me that Vandalland isn''t on fire too."

    "This is about the orphanages being flooded, right?" Hildoara asked.

    "Orphanages are being flooded?"

 Chapter 47: Back at the Surface World

    I sat at a table with Queen Tynzia in front of me. There was a long sheet of paper between us, containing the trade deal we managed to put together. Just finishing reading it, I decided to give a summary.

    "Tariffs will be lowered between the Kingdom of the Dark Elves and Greenrivers, all major merchant guilds engaging in international trade between the Kingdom of the Dark Elves and Greenrivers will adopt the financial reporting standards I proposed, tariffs on precious metal and lumber will be dropped, and farmers from Greenrivers will be given plots of land to grow certain mushrooms here," I said.

    "That ist the deal, yes," Queen Tyznia replied.

    This was perfect. I got pretty much everything I wanted. And it was all there on paper. I dipped a quill pen in a bottle of ink and signed my name. Then, I signed a copy of the paper. Queen Tynzia did the same.

    "All that''s left is to bring this to His Majesty, King Eduard the Defenestrator. When he signs it, this deal will be complete," I said.

    "As much as I wouldst like thee to stay, Saint Gustav, I understand that thou must wish to not keep thine king waiting. Thou hast mine leave to go," Queen Tyznia stated.

    "Thank you, Your Majesty," I bowed.

    Soon enough, I was traveling through the Dark Elf tunnels. I talked with Kless, talked with my retainers, and put up with Loonia and various other ultra-religious Dark Elves who were saying their goodbyes.

    Throughout the whole long trip back, a pallor hung over me. I kept looking over my shoulder. Every few hours, I checked as many places as I could for potential assassins. My sword was never far from my hand. But there were no incidents. Even Dionysus'' Dark Elf ninjas didn''t make any other appearances. That just made me worry more.

    The time to part ways with Kless came eventually.

    "Thou wilt write to me, correct?" she asked.

    "Yes," I answered. "I''ll send you a letter when I get back to Blitzburg."

    "Thank thee, Saint Gustav. I shall write to thou whenst I get a chance too," Kless said.

    "Goodbye, now. I''ll probably see you again eventually," I stated.

    "Yes. With our possibly infinite lifespans, we shall surely meet again."

    After we separated and my caravan was on its way back to the surface world, Sir Wilhelm von Stenkarr rode over to me. He breathed a sigh of relief.

    "That trip was painful," Sir William said.

    "I didn''t see you for most of it," I noted.

    "The Dark Elves would only let your personal retainers stay with you. I had to keep a relative distance," he stated.

    "Sorry about that," I replied.

    Sir William shook his head.

    "There''s no need to worry. Diplomacy is about making sacrifices, to an extent, at least. It''s why I told your retainers to not tell you about this," he said.

    Joanna rode over on her horse.

    "At least this trip wasn''t all bad," she said. "Negotiations went well, and you have some contacts among the Dark Elves."

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    "That''s the problem. Things never go this well," I replied.

    "Yes. The universe tends to balance out good fortune with bad fortune," Sir William nodded.

    I remembered what D?¨¦??om told me. As we got closer to the surface world, I braced myself for anything. Nervousness flowed through me. Sweat trickled down from my brow.

    Then, sweat poured down my brow. I felt warmer as I got closer to the surface world. At first, I thought this was just me getting a bit too used to the cooler conditions of the underground or just feeling things. Then, Sir William spoke up.

    "Something isn''t right. It shouldn''t be this hot," he said.

    He rode ahead, moving out with several knights. They cast a spell, and a large shield appeared in front of us. The heat dissipated. Coolness flowed through my body.

    "Stay behind us, Saint Gustav," Sir William stated.

    We moved forward at a slower pace. Johannes and Astrid moved to my side, weapons at the ready.

    "Do you think a monster''s behind this?" Astrid asked.

    "It might be, but it''s too early to say for sure," Johannes answered.

    "Well, at least you got some magical and sword training," I sighed. "Hopefully, it''ll help us if we''re attacked."

    Smoke started filling the air as we got closer to the cave exit. When we reached the mouth of the cavern, we saw...

    ...that a good chunk of the surrounding landscape was on fire. The smell of smoke wafted into our noses. A squirrel ran by us, holding a leaf filled with water on top of it. Utter panic flashed through the army. Sir William barked orders.

    "Defensive formation, most of you! Anyone who has water magic, with me!" he called out.

    Several of the knights stayed to bolster the magical barrier. The rest rode out, summoning water to quell the inferno. I just sat there, turning to Joanna. She had her hands clenched together and was uttering an incantation.

    I was about to talk to D?¨¦??om when my crystal ball buzzed. Pulling it out, I saw Hildoara on it. She looked incredibly stressed and concerned.

    "Please tell me that Vandalland isn''t on fire too," I said.

    "This is about the orphanages being flooded, right?" Hildoara asked.

    What the fuck?

    "Orphanages are being flooded?" I questioned.

    "Yes. Someone''s been flooding orphanages in Greenrivers. I''m surprised you didn''t know," Hildoara stated, a look of even greater concern crossing her face.

    I sighed.

    "Give me a moment. I need to talk to D?¨¦??om," I said before thinking. "D?¨¦??om, what is going on?"

    "A lot," he stated. "Here''s a basic summary..."

    One explanation later, I felt like I was going to have an aneurysm.

    "And things in Motteburh are going to go a bit slower because of that. I still need to stop her from drinking," D?¨¦??om finished.

    "Fuck," I said.

    "Fuck is right," the deity replied.

    A voice I didn''t recognize came out of the crystal ball.

    "Please refrain from using such language in the presence of Her Majesty," it stated.

    "I will excuse it this time, Duke Carini," Queen Hildoara said. "Because I think it''s warranted. Judging from Saint Gustav''s expression, things are worse than I thought. Why are you just finding this out now, Saint Gustav?"

    "I was out of Greenrivers on a diplomatic mission," I replied.

    One of my hands pressed to my face. I pulled down, letting out a deep sigh.

    "So, Your Majesty, what do you need?" I asked. "Rhetorically speaking. D?¨¦??om told me about your financial issues."

    "I need your help with that," Hildoara answered.

    Turning inward, I contacted D?¨¦??om.

    "D?¨¦??om, the Sea Elves have some deal with the god of the ocean, right?" I thought.

    "Yes. They can travel in the sea as long as they stay close to the shore."

    "Thank you that your God of Exposition title is relevant again. Do you think we could get them involved in Vandalland''s trade war with Motteburh?"

    "Maybe someone else could, but not someone from Greenrivers. That massacre is still in recent memory for the Sea Elves," D?¨¦??om said.

    And the daughter of the woman behind that massacre is my wet nurse. I''d be one of the worst possible people to get them involved. Hildoara could do this on her own, but I also need to think of Greenrivers'' interests. I let out a deep sigh and pinched the bridge of my nose.

    "I am going to need to call a meeting with you, Queen Hildoara, and His Majesty King Eduard the Defenestrator," I said.

    "Okay. Let me know when the meeting is, and I will make time for it," she replied.

    "Alright. In the meantime, to keep your economy afloat, look into your officials. Find out if any of them are corrupt, are embezzling money, or anything else. I''m sure there are a few, and you should be able to use magic to find them without it costing much. Fire them, and it should help out at least a little bit," I instructed.

    A look of shock crossed Queen Hildoara''s face.

    "You want me to burn them to death?" she asked.

    I quickly waved my free hand in a desperate placating motion.

    "No, no, it''s just an expression. It means remove them from their position," I explained.

    Hildoara breathed a sigh of relief.

    "That is significantly more reasonable," she said.

 Chapter 48: Arrival at the Kings Castle

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 Chapter 49: Current Affairs with King Eduard

    I sat in a large solar, sweat pouring down my body. Bookshelves were to my left and my right. In front of me were several desks that were used for writing and such. King Eduard the Defenestrator and Queen Eleanor were on chairs. They were looking right at me.

    "It is good that you are finally here, Saint Gustav," King Eduard said. "We have much to discuss."

    "Yes. I am certain you have some awareness of the state of Greenrivers," Queen Eleanor stated.

    "D?¨¦??om told me a lot," I replied.

    King Eduard nodded.

    "First, before anything else, what do you think of Duke Armand?" he asked.

    I figured he''d ask me about that.

    "He seems like a reliable ally," I answered.

    "And of the task he assigned you with?" King Eduard questioned.

    "I don''t want Greenrivers to turn into Motteburh. And I doubt you do either. Otherwise, why would you have Duke Armand assign me with this?"

    A slight smile crossed King Eduard''s face before vanishing as a serious expression overtook him himonce more.

    "And you are proving to be a reliable ally yourself," he said.

    Ah, I see. So, sending Duke Armand to escort me was a test.

    "Well, now that this is out of the way, did everything go well on your diplomatic mission with the Dark Elves? Is there anything we should be worried about?" Queen Eleanor asked.

    "Nothing aside from that one time I was attacked by Dark Elf ninjas serving Dionysus," I answered. "I managed to get away fine because of the Dark Elf warrior protecting me."

    King Eduard the Defenestrator blinked in shock.

    "Dark Elves dared attack a Saint?" he questioned. "It is good that you''re safe, but this...Dark Elves are more religious than I am. How could they dare attack a Saint?"

    "Dionysus is a god, so he probably told the ninjas to," I explained.

    "I have never heard of any god called Dionysus. He must be a fake god like Poseidon," King Eduard the Defenestrator scoffed.

    "Our prisoner keeps claiming to be a son of a god called Poseidon. We''ll torture the truth out of him eventually," Queen Eleanor said.

    My mind turned inward.

    "Should I tell them that Poseidon is real?" I thought.

    "No. If King Eduard learns about gods outside of this world, it might throw him into an existential crisis. Especially since some of those gods want humanity extinct. Right now, it''s best that he remains ignorant," D?¨¦??om replied.

    I nodded before speaking.

    "D?¨¦??om told me that you captured the man behind the raids and orphanage floodings," I stated.

    "We can talk about that later. Right now, tell me more about these...ninjas. I have never heard that word before," King Eduard the Defenestrator said.

    "According to D?¨¦??om, ninjas are a type of spy from a land in another world. This land is known as Japan, and ninjas performed espionage activities during a certain period of its history. They occasionally assassinated people," I explained. "And the Dark Elf ninjas were nothing like them. They were more like how a playwright would depict ninjas."

    Confusion crossed the monarchs'' faces.

    "So, they were not real ninjas?" Queen Eleanor asked.

    "That is one way of looking at it," I answered.

    "Then telling us what ninjas are did not help at all, did it?"

    "Yeah. Honestly, it was pretty pointless," I admitted, a sudden feeling of dread flowing through me.

    Queen Eleanor let out a deep sigh. King Eduard the Defenestrator scratched his beard.

    "It seems that you are quite insane, just as I suspected," he said.

    Not wanting to contradict the king, I declined to tell him that I''m perfectly normal.

    "Tell me what these Dark Elf ''ninjas'' were like," King Eduard continued.

    "They dressed in black outfits, used impractical weapons, and threw tiny throwing stars that wouldn''t get past even the lightest of armor at me," I recalled, hoping my memory was accurate.

    A moment of silence passed as King Eduard the Defenestrator and Queen Eleanor just looked on in shock.

    "Well, it appears you met some other insane people," King Eduard stated.

    "I meet a lot of them, Your Majesty," I said.

    "Quite. Now, I am certain our beloved god told you about the state of Greenrivers."

    Frustration, anger, and nervousness combined in me.

    "Yes. Some mercenaries and bandits have been ravaging it, a psychotic demigod flooded orphanages, and now you have him imprisoned but the mercenaries are still attacking," I said.

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    "We''ve been hunting down these mercenaries. It is unfortunately slow work, but their heads are being gathered. I have a few of their bodies in gibbets outside the city gate," King Eduard replied.

    I made a mental note to only leave the capital on dragon back.

    "Their leader won''t talk either. No matter how much we torture him, he won''t tell us who sent him here, what their plans are, and why they told him to flood the orphanages," Queen Eleanor stated.

    "Maybe he just likes killing people?" I suggested.

    King Eduard scoffed.

    "Voivode Dalv thought something similar, but no one could enjoy killing children. There is no one in the world that evil," he said.

    I inclined my head.

    "As you say, Your Majesty," I stated.

    Then, I took a deep breath.

    "You want me to get involved with hunting the mercenaries, right?" I asked.

    My heart thumped when I did. Apprehension and nervousness pulsed through me.

    "Of course, we don''t," Queen Eleanor said.

    "Yes," King Eduard agreed. "I am certain that you are a highly-trained fighter and quite capable in battle for someone your age. However, I have yet to meet anyone who could have predicted the disastrous effects getting that treasure would have on the economy. You managed to save the economy of the whole continent. Sending you to fight mercenaries would be a misuse of your talents. And you will be compensated for your talents during your stay here."

    Relief flowed through my body. I would fight if I had to, but after almost getting killed by "ninjas," I''d rather not try taking on experienced mercenaries. If any of them are nobles, they could have centuries of experience. I, meanwhile, was still 15.

    "You are going to stay in this castle until the mercenary situation is dealt with," King Eduard commanded.

    Fuck. Still, being stuck in the palace would take away a lot of opportunities. And one misstep could get me thrown out a window. I''d need to find some way to survive this horrible situation.

    "Yes, Your Majesty," I replied with a bow.

    King Eduard then pressed his fingers together. His expression remained completely serious.

    "And speaking of your talents, Greenrivers currently has a debt problem. Aside from the existing cost of my past wars, I need to deal with the costs of the current mercenary war," the monarch said. "I am certain that you understand what this means for Greenerivers'' economy."

    "I do, Your Majesty," I stated.

    It means he might have to increase taxes to pay for all this.

    "The trade deal you made with the Dark Elves will help. However, it will not be enough. Considering your knowledge of economics, perhaps you have some other ideas?" King Eduard asked.

    ...I really should have seen this coming. Well, at least this saved me the trouble of figuring out some way to bring up some ideas I had to King Eduard the Defenestrator.

    "I do, Your Majesty," I said. "I have several ideas."

    "Go on, tell us," Queen Eleanor urged.

    "We need to raise funds, and my family is setting up a dragon-based insurance bodyguard service for trade caravans. We have only allied with one dragon so far. So, you could send a trade expedition with lucrative goods to someplace that does not have access to them. When they return, that should boost your coffers."

    King Eduard the Defenestrator and Queen Eleanor shared a look of utter shock. Then, they turned to me.

    "Do you mean to say that you convinced the dragon you used to stop that battle to be a bodyguard?" King Eduard asked.

    "Not for free, but yes," I answered. "And I believe that the benefits of such trade will be more than worth the cost."

    "You. Convinced. A. Wild. Dragon. Not one of the runts that let us use them as transport. But. A. Wild. Dragon. To. Be. A. Bodyguard. For. Merchants."

    He looked completely stunned.

    "Yes. That is exactly what I did," I said.

    A moment of silence passed between us.

    "Very well. I will get on a crystal ball call with your family after this," King Eduard stated.

    "Does this dragon bodyguard have any...existing clients?" Queen Eleanor questioned.

    "I have not been in contact with my family for a while, so I do not know," I admitted.

    King Eduard shrugged.

    "If he is already acting as a bodyguard, we will merely have to wait until that is finished," he said. "Tell us another of your ideas, Saint Gustav."

    "Well, we are currently in a command economy, as opposed to a free market or mixed economy. I suppose it would be mostly accurate to say that we''re in a mostly command economy because there are people with more economic freedom, like merchants, and guilds aren''t government-controlled. With that in mind, I believe that we should invest in transportation infrastructure when we have access to more money. First, we''ll need to focus on clearing out some of the monster population, though."

    King Eduard stroked his beard.

    "Command economy, free market, mixed economy? I have never heard those words before," he noted.

    Fuck! My mind went right back to my economics classes!

    "To sum things up, I think that when your debts start getting cleared, you should kill a bunch of monsters and build a lot of roads," I said as fast as I could.

    "Duly noted, Saint Gustav. But paying the warriors protecting Greenrivers from those mercenaries is our biggest economic problem right now. Do you have any ideas for those?" Queen Eleanor asked.

    "Aside from my dragon plan, I have one idea," I answered. "The sea elves have a deal with the god of the ocean. It is my understanding that some of them are subjects of the Crown of Greenrivers through conquest. They might still be bitter over their conquest, but if they could be convinced to be merchants, it would open up ocean trade."

    King Eduard nodded slowly.

    "The sea elves still have quite the grudge against me, and many of them might turn back to piracy if I let them take to the seas again. Do you have any ideas on how we can convince them while maintaining their loyalty?" he questioned.

    I turned my thoughts inward.

    "D?¨¦??om, if there''s no sea trade, how were the sea elves pirates?" I thought.

    "They were like the buccaneers or Vikings. They attacked coastal settlements. Some of them, ones that aren''t under the rule of a human kingdom, still do," he said.

    That explains it.

    "I have an idea for an economic incentive," I stated. "Give the sea elves a tax cut if they act as merchants. The current tax on trade in Greenrivers is 15%. Maybe reduce that by a few percentage points for sea trade? The total tax income should increase despite the rating being lowered if enough sea elves go into trade. Or, if you do not want to do that, Your Majesty, you could perhaps give sea traders an exemption from military service? As for loyalty, I''m afraid making people loyal to me is not something I''m experienced with. But because they hold a grudge against you, we might want to work with Vandalland on them. They have reason to help us."

    The sound of D?¨¦??om bashing his head against something entered my mind. Meanwhile, King Eduard nodded.

    "I will discuss this with my queen and other advisors," he said.

    "Other advisors? Does he have an advisor hiding somewhere here? Is someone listening in with magic?" I thought.

    "No self-awareness," D?¨¦??om sighed.

    "I have plenty of self-awareness, dammit!"

    King Eduard pressed his hands together.

    "Now, Saint Gustav, tell me why you think Vandalland is so willing to help us. Is there some specific reason?" he questioned.

    I really hoped that King Eduard the Defenestrator wouldn''t take this the wrong way. He was fine with me having Hildoara''s crystal ball number, so he should expect us to talk.

    "Queen Hildoara of Vandalland contacted me. Motteburh has stopped trading with her kingdom, and I believe we should call a meeting with her to negotiate a deal that helps both Greenrivers and Vandalland," I said.

    Rage flashed over King Eduard''s eyes, but the rest of his body remained composed.

    "Motteburh, you say?" he asked.

    I shivered, panic flashing through me.

    "Yes, Your Majesty, Motteburh. They are concerned about the agreement you made with Queen Hildoara and Voivode Dalv," I answered.

    King Eduard nodded. He stood up. Queen Eleanor joined him.

    "Thank you for informing me of this, Saint Gustav. You have helped confirm some of my suspicions," King Eduard said. "Contact Queen Hildoara and arrange this meeting. Tell her that she has our full support in this matter."

    Even greater anger flashed through his eyes.

    "Also tell her that I doubt Motteburh is acting entirely because of our agreement. I will find out just how much Motteburh has interfered with Greenrivers'' affairs, and I will pay them back for every last bit of it. There will be a reckoning."

 Chapter 50: Greenrivers and Vandalland Meeting

    If you told me, a bit over 15 years ago, that I was going to be involved in a secret meeting between national leaders...I probably would not have believed you. If you told me that it would be between Medieval leaders, I''d have thought you were insane.

    Hell, I''d have thought that if you told me it a few months ago.

    But here I was, sitting in a secret room in King Eduard the Defenestrator''s castle. His Majesty himself was there along with Queen Eleanor, Prince Jeremy, and Duke Armand. Three crystal balls were with us. One had Queen Hildoara, another Prince Wisimir, and the third Duke Carini. From what I heard, Duke Carini was Hildoara''s right-hand man. Wisimir was Hildoara''s brother.

    At the moment, Prince Jeremy was looking between Queen Hildoara and me. The latter glanced at me quickly before looking at King Eduard and Queen Eleanor. My monarchs had expressions of utter calmness. However, I suspected that King Eduard the Defenestrator wanted to throw the entire Kingdom of Motteburh out a window.

    Currently, I was nervous out of my fucking mind! This meeting would decide the fate of multiple kingdoms, and I was completely unqualified to be here! I had no fucking idea why King Eduard included me in the first place! I was struggling so hard not to shake, and sweat poured down my body.

    "Now, let us begin this meeting," King Eduard said. "I tried to call Dalv Sepet for it, but he was busy."

    "I tried to call him too," Queen Hildoara stated.

    "How could he be so busy that he''d refuse a meeting with multiple monarchs?" Prince Wisimir wondered.

    "He''s probably impaling people," I spoke up. "He does that a lot."

    Queen Eleanor nodded.

    "That is putting it mildly. It''s his preferred method of execution. Honestly, you could probably call him Dalv the Impaler," she commented.

    I struggled to avoid saying that his last name spelled backward means "the Impaler" in Romanian. A part of me wondered just what Queen Eleanor would think if she knew who Dalv was in his last life. But that was smothered out by the part of me that was completely fucking terrified of saying something wrong and getting thrown out a window.

    "Yes, now that the meeting''s started," Prince Wisimir nodded. "Saint Gustav, what do you think is the ideal honeymoon spot?"

    I held up my hand.

    "No thanks, Your Highness. I''m not gay. And I''m pretty sure gay marriage isn''t a thing in Greenrivers and Vandalland," I said.

    D?¨¦??om''s laughter flooded my ears. Everyone else in the room looked incredibly confused.

    "He wasn''t talking about marrying you! He was talking about marrying his sister!" D?¨¦??om stated.

    "D?¨¦??om, I don''t think he''s into his sister. That''s a messed-up level of inbreeding, even for the Hapsburgs," I thought.

    The god just laughed harder.

    "Oh, man, I needed this!" he said.

    "I thought you were very gay, Saint Gustav," Queen Hildoara stated, remaining formal.

    "No, I''m straight," I replied.

    King Eduard looked confused.

    "Why can''t you be straight and gay?" he asked.

    Oh, fuck. Gay isn''t a term for homosexual in this world.

    "I apologize for the confusion, Your Majesties," I bowed, smacking my head against the table. "I spent a lot of time in a local region where gay is used as slang for homosexual."

    Prince Wismir''s eyes slowly widened in shock and revelation. He started waving his hands around.

    "I didn''t mean marrying me! I''m not homosexual either!" he started. "I meant marrying my sis..."

    Before he could continue, King Eduard interrupted him.

    "This is not the time to discuss marriage alliances. Right now, our priority is Motteburh," the monarch said.

    He looked at Queen Hildoara.

    "Saint Gustav told me that Motteburh recently cut off trade with Vandalland," King Eduard stated.

    "He told you correctly, King Eduard. Saint Gustav also informed me that you do not think this is just about the recent alliance," Queen Hildoara replied.

    King Eduard the Defenestrator nodded.

    "Yes. Duke Armand, I believe you can explain best," he said.

    "With pleasure," the nobleman replied.

    Duke Armand stood up. He pulled back a curtain. Behind it was a living doll woman with a large sheet of wood with numerous drawings and words on it. There were lines connecting them like something a conspiracy theorist would make.

    "For several years now, Motteburh influences have crept into Greenrivers," Duke Armand stated, pointing at his board. "There have been groups of nobles who gather, plotting to take away the rights of the commons, lock the social classes, and give the nobility complete tax-exempt status. Some of them even use the marcher lord title as justification, saying it has precedence."

    King Eduard scoffed.

    "A temporary title is not precedence for tax exemption of an entire class," he said.

    "Very correct, Your Majesty. It is a shame that there are nobles who are quite foolish," Duke Armand nodded before moving his finger along his board. "I have dealt with these gatherings of nobles as much as I could, but some of them slipped through my cracks. They have been getting bolder. A few months ago, one of them dared approach His Majesty and demand Motteburh-like reforms be made. For that, he was justly thrown out a window."

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    Queen Hildoara spoke up.

    "King Eduard, why do you like throwing people out windows so much? It''s even in your name," she said.

    "It is not an issue of enjoying it. I merely wished to have a trademark," King Eduard explained.

    "A...trademark?"

    The King of Greenrivers nodded.

    "I was young and sickly at the time. Magic had not entered the world yet, and many did not think I would survive past my 20s. I wanted to be known for something in the short time I had. So, I decided that all my executions would be performed through defenestration," he stated.

    "And you were fine with being known as ''the king who likes throwing people out of windows?''" Hildoara asked.

    "Yes. There are no other kings known for this. And even if I die, I doubt there ever will be," King Eduard answered.

    He has a point. No kings in my old world were known for this either.

    "Back to the main topic," the King of Greenrivers said.

    He then gestured to Duke Armand, who continued speaking.

    "I have found some connections between this Motteburh-like movement and people from Motteburh. Many of the Greenrivers nobles involved in it have spoken with Motteburh nobles. However, this always happened after they started holding their Motteburh-like ideals. This movement could be from the nobles themselves. But I find it far more likely that agents from Motteburh have been spreading them."

    Queen Eleanor nodded.

    "Motteburh''s spymaster is a genius. If he is involved in this, even Duke Armand would struggle to find his agents," she said.

    "I suspect that Motteburh has some involvement in the recent mercenary attacks on Greenrivers," King Eduard the Defenestrator stated. "And their attempted interference in our recent treaty is further evidence of that, Queen Hildoara."

    Duke Carini nodded.

    "Motteburh''s largest border is shared with Greenrivers. Its borders with Vandalland, the Barbarian Kingdoms, and the sea elf settlements are smaller. And the border with Greenrivers is a river, while it''s a mountain with Vandalland. If they want to influence a foreign power with a lot of influence, Greenrivers is their best target," he said.

    Queen Hildoara''s expression turned pensive.

    "Do you think they''re trying to get your nobles killed? If you execute the nobles who take up this ideology, King Eduard, you''ll end up thinning out your noble class and lowering the warriors you have," she suggested.

    "That might be their plan: weaken my forces and then invade," he replied.

    Ah, King Eduard, ever the hypocrite. At least, by the standards of my time in my old world. He invades the weaker powers and then gets mad when someone else tries to invade Greenrivers.

    Unfortunately, I live in Greenrivers and I don''t want it to get invaded. So, that means I''m on his side.

    Fortunately, our enemy is Motteburh. So, I don''t feel bad in the slightest about going against them.

    "You don''t know the half of it," D?¨¦??om sighed.

    "There are other possibilities too," Queen Eleanor stated. "They might be trying to weaken us to make some demands or just trying to spread their type of government."

    I nodded.

    "It''s entirely possible that, after hundreds of years of making excuses for banning social advancement and treating commoners horribly, the Motteburh nobles started believing their own lies. They might even think they''re doing us a favor by spreading their ideology," I said.

    King Eduard the Defenestrator''s expression remained stable.

    "They are quite delusional if they started to believe their own lies," he stated. "Now, as to Vandalland''s problems with Motteburh. Dealing with them is a good way to start our retaliation."

    Queen Hildoara nodded.

    "This normally wouldn''t be a big problem, but Vandalland is having financial issues," she admitted.

    "Greenrivers is the same," Queen Eleanor stated.

    "Fortunately, Saint Gustav here has a solution to that," King Eduard said before turning to me. "Tell them about your plan regarding the sea elves."

    Oh, fuck! I''m right in the spotlight! I jumped up, forcing down my shaking.

    "Yes, Your Majesty. The sea elves can travel the ocean because they have a deal with the god of the sea. From what I understand, whenever someone else tries, they get eaten by a sea monster," I said before clarifying. "With some exceptions."

    "That is correct," His Majesty confirmed.

    I gave him a nod before continuing.

    "If we can get the sea elves of Greenrivers and Vandalland to start sea trade, then they could make a lot of money from buying and selling foreign goods. This will increase tax revenue for both Greenrivers and Vandalland."

    Queen Hildoara pressed a hand to her chin, pondering things. Duke Carini spoke up.

    "The Southern City States in particular are ripe for this sort of trade," he said.

    "The problem is encouraging the sea elves to engage in legitimate trade and not go back to piracy. I doubt they would listen to me or Saint Gustav. As far as even non-magical elves are concerned, my conquests of their lands are recent. And there is a massacre that is still fresh in their minds. I punished the noble who committed it, but that does not matter to most of the sea elves," King Eduard the Defenestrator stated.

    Queen Hildoara looked right at me.

    "Why wouldn''t they listen to you?" she asked.

    A chill of nervousness pulsed through me. Fear crawled up my spine like a centipede.

    "My wet nurse''s mother was the one behind the massacre," I answered.

    Queen Hildoara gave me an understanding nod.

    "Sins of the parents are often blamed on the children," she noted.

    "Well, I have some ideas for getting the sea elves to go into trade," I tried to get us back on the main topic. "Your Majesties could lower taxes specifically for sea-based trade. And just that. Your Majesties could also exempt sea-based traders from military service."

    King Eduard spoke up.

    "After consulting with my advisors, I determined that exemption from military service is the best course for Greenrivers. There is a chance that not enough sea elves will go to sea to make up for the tax decrease in that form of trade. On the other hand, sea elves make up a negligible amount of my military," he said.

    "And then there is the issue of land-based merchants. In Greenrivers, only sea elves and perhaps humans they bring with them can trade on the ocean. Lowering taxes for just sea-based trade would anger merchants who are stuck trading overland," Queen Eleanor added.

    Queen Hildoara pondered a moment.

    "Most of Vandalland''s treasury comes from mines owned by the crown. I will need to discuss this with my advisors," she stated.

    "Then, we will adjourn this meeting until you''ve discussed things with them," King Eduard said.

    Relief flowed through my body as I sat down again. This was very stressful, but at least it was over now. Well, I''d be stuck in some other meeting soon enough. The point is that I had a break.

    Or so I thought. Then, a sensation flowed into my body. It was faint and only lasted a moment. But it was there. This feeling was a strong urge. I felt like I had to go to...someplace. There was a vague sense of direction, but nothing specific.

    This was still enough for me to figure out what that feeling was. I planted my head in my hands. All eyes turned to me.

    "Gustav, are you alright?" Hildoara''s expression turned urgent.

    "I''m fine," I said. "I just started feeling the pull of the Equinox."

    King Eduard''s expression turned to one of exasperation.

    "By the gods, I thought we''d have more time. But if you''re starting to feel the pull..." he grimaced.

    The King and Queen Eleanor marched to the door.

    "Of all the times to have to talk to a priest..." King Eduard shook his head.

    "Jeremy, keep an eye on things in the castle until we return," Queen Eleanor said.

    They left the room. The moment the door was closed, Prince Wisimir spoke up.

    "Saint Gustav, what sort of wedding dresses do they have in Greenrivers?" he asked.

    "It would not be appropriate for a prince to wear a dress to his wedding," Duke Carini said.

    "I meant for Hildoara!"

    "Shouldn''t I wear a Vandalland dress?" she questioned.

    "Saint Gustav should wear Vandalland attire," Prince Wisimir said.

    Prince Jeremy put his head in his hands.

    "By the gods, why couldn''t you just send me to the church, Father, Mother? Why did you have to go yourselves and just leave me here?" he muttered to himself.

    I turned to Prince Jeremy with a sympathetic expression. By the look of things, he was feeling the same way I was.

 Chapter 51: International Meetings End

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 Chapter 52: Arriving South

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 Chapter 53: Beach Episode Incoming

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 Chapter 54: Beach Episode

    So, there I was, at a beach with my retainers. It was a pretty normal beach, or at least it would be if we were in my old world in the modern era. The people present were wearing far too advanced beach clothing.

    Then, I saw someone sitting under an umbrella and someone else sunbathing on a modern towel. I facepalmed.

    "D?¨¦??om," I thought.

    "Yes?" the deity asked.

    "The sea god taught humans far more than just how to make modern swimsuits, didn''t he?"

    "As a matter of fact, he did. He doesn''t like humans going out to sea, but he wanted you to at least enjoy the beaches," D?¨¦??om said.

    Well, at least he had some semblance of care for humanity. Considering how he was one of the gods with a godslayer saint, that''s to be expected. Or at least he doesn''t think we should be wiped out.

    "I know you don''t want to go to the beach, Gustav. But you should try to enjoy yourself," Johannes encouraged me.

    "Well, I''m going to sunbathe somewhere out of the way. That is something you could do," Joanna suggested.

    She then gave me a look that told me she understood why I didn''t want to go to the beach. Either that, or she thought I hated sand. I couldn''t blame her, considering how rough and irritating sand is. Or I was completely misunderstanding things.

    "You could also do what Johannes suggested and enjoy yourself," Astrid spoke up. "I mean, there''s all sorts of fun things to do here. Swimming, ball games..."

    That''s when a memory flashed in my head. I felt like we were forgetting something.

    "Hey, did any of us remember to bring my crystal ball to the beach?" I asked.

    Dead silence followed. Dr. Minos made a bull noise.

    "Right, we don''t have anywhere to keep it without carrying it," I sighed.

    Turning inward, I sent a message.

    "Hey, D?¨¦??om, do you think we could teach these people how to make magical coolers since they can make magical cell phones?" I thought.

    "Sure. Just figure out how to make a magical cooler," the god replied. "Just kidding. I''ll tell you how. You just need to get good enough at magic to make one."

    I turned to Johannes with a smile.

    "Johannes, I know what magical item we''re making!" I declared.

    "At the beach or in general?" he asked.

    "In general," I answered.

    Joanna sighed.

    "That would normally be a pretty stupid question, but knowing the crazy things you can get up to, Gustav..." she said.

    "Everything I''ve done is perfectly normal," I replied. "Now, if you''ll excuse me, I''m going back to our room to get my crystal ball so Prince Wisimir doesn''t make me go back here again."

    Sure, he technically doesn''t have any right to give me orders because my liege lord is King Eduard the Defenestrator. But I have to keep good relations with Vandalland. And I also want to stay on good terms with Hildoara''s brother.

    I walked all the way back to our room, grabbed the crystal ball, and walked all the way back to the beach. My retainers were still there, waiting for me.

    "What the hell are you doing?" I almost shouted.

    "We''re waiting for you," Astrid said.

    "Well, don''t!" I replied. "I''m not going to be able to do anything while carrying this!"

    Joanna sighed.

    "Gustav, we''re not going to..." my wet nurse started.

    "I, as your liege lord, order you all to have fun without me," I said.

    Joanna let out a deep groan.

    "Why did I know you''d do this?" she asked.

    "Because you know me the best of everyone here," I answered. "Now, go and have fun. I''ll sit on the sand somewhere."

    With that, my retainers went to various spots on the beach. Johannes and Astrid ran over to the water. Joanna moved to some...ugh...volleyball courts. Dr. Minos laid down on some jagged rocks to the side and started reading a book. That just left me alone to sit down.

    I dialed a number in the crystal ball. In an instant, Prince Wisimir answered it.

    "Ah, Saint Gustav, I see you are at the beach! And you exposing enough skin for my sister!" he said.

    "Are you sure you''re not gay?" I asked.

    "I''m not a homosexual," Wisimir answered. "By the gods, I''ll have Hildoara find me a wife after she''s married you. If anyone heard you, that could cause trouble for the crown of Vandalland."

    I shrugged.

    "If you want Queen Hildoara to marry me, you need to talk to His Majesty, King Eduard the Defenestrator. He''s the one who gets to decide if I can marry a foreigner or not," I stated.

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    "That can come later. Right now, I need to make sure King Eduard sees your marriage to Hildoara as an inevitability that can only be postponed. This is one step towards that grand plan," Wisimir said.

    A groan escaped my mouth.

    "Why do you want me to marry your sister, anyway?" I asked.

    "Because she wants to marry you," Wisimir answered. "And the only reason why she doesn''t is because of politics. As her brother, I want to help her fulfill her wishes."

    I shifted nervously.

    "Well, I can''t exactly say Wisimir''s doing the morally wrong thing," I thought.

    "But you still don''t agree with his decision?" D?¨¦??om asked.

    "No. Even if it isn''t as moral by my standards, and even if there are more love marriages in this world than in the actual Middle Ages, but Prince Wisimir should be thinking about the good of Vandalland. Queen Hildoara''s still a new monarch. Her reign is untested. The best thing for her and Vandalland is if she marries someone who can actually benefit her kingdom and would be loyal to her."

    The deity sighed.

    "You fit both of those qualities," he said.

    "I don''t. I''m just some guy," I thought.

    "Excuse me while I bash my head against the wall."

    There was no sound of head banging.

    "Never mind. There aren''t any walls in the void. I''ll have to wait until I''m out of here," D?¨¦??om stated.

    "Good luck finding one," I thought before speaking. "Your Highness, if I marry your sister, I will become the King Consort of Vandalland."

    "She''d probably make you just be the king. Hildoara told me you''re not the sort of person to want to steal power from her or take over for yourself," Prince Wisimir stated.

    I couldn''t deny that.

    "Yes, but how would marrying me benefit Vandalland? If Hildoara wants to get married now, helping her kingdom should be her focus," I said.

    "Aside from forging a stronger alliance with Greenrivers through marriage ties, you are a saint. You have the ear of a god. And King Eduard would never declare war on a kingdom with a saint for a king. He''s far too religious for that. And even I''d hesitate before warring with a saint," Prince Wisimir replied. "Plus, you tamed a minotaur and a dragon, you''re an economic genius, you are part of the reason why my sister is queen in the first place, and you ended a war before it even started. I''m certain you''ll accomplish other great things in the future."

    "Probably not," I shrugged. "I''m really not that special."

    Prince Wisimir winced.

    "You know, you''re making me a little bit mad, Saint Gustav. Why would my sister fall for a man who isn''t special? Are you saying she''s some common whore who''d fall for the average man?" he asked.

    "Why would a common whore fall for someone average? If someone''s a whore, their standards are generally well below average," I answered.

    Prince Wisimir grimaced, a glower forming on his face.

    "Are you saying my sister is an uncommon whore who''d fall for the average man?" he questioned.

    "I don''t think uncommon whores would fall for the average man either. That''s still a bit too high for their standards," I said.

    Prince Wisimir stomped his foot in frustration.

    "Are you saying that my sister is an upscale whore who would fall for the average man?"

    "Now, see, you''re going too high there. An upscale whore is the sort of whore you''d find among noblewomen. Their standards are too high to fall for the average man."

    Prince Wisimir suddenly entered deep contemplation. After a few moments of silence, he spoke.

    "So, what sort of whore would fall for the average man?"

    "What, in the name of the gods, are you two talking about?" Queen Hildoara''s voice entered my ears.

    "We were talking about whores," I said.

    Prince Wisimir looked at me as if I was completely fucking insane. I couldn''t blame him. I mean, I just told his sister that I was talking about whores with her brother.

    A light sigh came from the monarch''s mouth.

    "Wisimir, we are finding you a wife as soon as possible," Queen Hildoara stated. "And why are you talking to Saint Gustav about whores? I doubt he''s ever even been to a brothel."

    "We weren''t talking about prostitutes. We were talking about whores. Not all women who sleep around do it for money," I said.

    Shock entered Hildoara''s voice.

    "They don''t?" she asked.

    "No. Some women just..." I started.

    "Anyway!" Prince Wisimir interrupted me. "I can see now that you two are more alike than you seem at first! So, ummm, sister! Look in the crystal ball!"

    "Alright," Hildoara said.

    I saw her appear in the crystal ball as she stepped over. That''s when I got the sudden urge to mess with Prince Wisimir.

    "D?¨¦??om, would fucking with Prince Wisimir''s plans be a good idea?" I thought.

    "No," he replied. "Unless you somehow made it look like you''re trying to help his plans."

    "This is going to be fun," I thought.

    I pulled out a dead fish and draped it over the crystal ball. When Hildoara looked into the crystal ball, she saw the corpse. Prince Wisimir was flabbergasted.

    "Why is there a dead fish there?" Hildoara asked.

    "Do you like seafood?" I questioned.

    "Yes," she said.

    "When I get back to Greenrivers, why don''t I cook some seafood for us? Despite what it may seem, I am a very experienced chef," I replied.

    Queen Hildoara smiled.

    "That sounds wonderful, Gustav," she said.

    Prince Wisimir''s jaw dropped to the ground. He recomposed himself and looked at me like I was some sort of mad genius. I then removed the dead fish.

    "Gustav, why aren''t you wearing a shirt?" Hildoara asked.

    "I''m on the beach," I answered.

    "You brought your crystal ball to a beach?"

    "Yes."

    Hildoara looked confused.

    "But then you''d have to carry it with you, and you couldn''t do any fun beach things," she said. "I mean, I don''t know what those are. I''ve never been to a beach. But they''re apparently fun."

    "That is all correct," I stated. "Except for the fun part. I don''t like beaches."

    "Then, why did you bring it to the beach? Why go to the beach at all?" Hildoara asked. "If you wanted to call me shirtless, you could have just done that in a private room."

    Prince Wisimir was shrinking back. A look of guilt had crossed his face. Suspicion entered Queen Hildoara''s eyes. She started turning towards him.

    "Alright, time to cover for Wisimir," I thought before speaking loud and fast. "So, Hildoara, how is everything going with the trade deal with Greenrivers?"

    She turned back to me.

    "You know that already. You''ve been to all the meetings between Greenrivers and Vandalland."

    Even greater suspicion entered her eyes.

    "Wisimir, did you order Gustav to go to the beach just so you could get me to see him shirtless?" she asked.

    Sweat poured down Wisimir''s brow. He looked around really fast.

    "Oh, hey, Duke Carini''s over there! He needs me for something!" Wisimir said.

    He then shoved his crystal ball into Hildoara''s hands and ran off. She sighed.

    "I swear, Wisimir needs more education politics," Hildoara stated. "I apologize for his behavior, Gustav."

    "It''s fine. I don''t even really hate beaches. I just didn''t want to go so I wouldn''t have to see my wet nurse in a bikini," I replied.

    "That doesn''t make it better," she said.

    I shrugged.

    "Just let it go. Now that Wisimir''s plan''s been exposed, he won''t do it again," I stated.

    "And yet, you covered for him," Hildoara noted.

    "It isn''t really that big a deal," I said. "At least, it''s nothing worth causing an incident over."

    That was the real issue. Hildoara was right that Wisimir didn''t know enough about politics.

    "Right, it isn''t," the monarch nodded.

    Then, there was a moment of silence.

    "Gustav, if your liege agrees to it after things settle down..." Hildoara started.

    "Yes?" I asked.

    "Would you like to come to Vandalland and see one of the beaches here?" she questioned. "Obviously, I''d have my royal guard with me, but we could make it as private as we can."

    I gave her a soft smile.

    "If you can somehow get His Majesty King Eduard the Defenestrator to agree to that, I would like that," I replied. "But you should find someone better than me if you want to get married. I don''t think marrying me would benefit Vandalland."

    Hildoara shook her head.

    "As brilliant as you are, Gustav, you''re not right about everything. In fact, I''d say you''re wrong about almost everything related to yourself. And I suppose a faint hope is better than no hope. I''ll talk to you later, Gustav. Right now, I need to get this crystal ball back to my brother."

    "See you, Hildoara," I said.

    And with that, she turned off the crystal ball call.

 Chapter 55: Interlude 8

    Laestrygon had lost count of the amount of time he spent in that dungeon. King Eduard had put him under the worst tortures the Medieval mind with access to magic could come up with. And as it turns out, Medieval people could be very creative.

    Of course, Laestrygon hated this situation. He didn''t like that someone was torturing him when he should be torturing random people instead. Though, the demigod at least liked that it gave him ideas.

    He hadn''t told Poseidon about his imprisonment. Laestrygon was trying to avoid the embarrassment of admitting that someone who wasn''t a demigod was able to capture and imprison him. And, more than that, getting saved by his daddy would be a blemish on Laestrygon''s pride.

    The only upside for Laestrygon and downside for everyone else was that King Eduard the Defenestrator and Queen Eleanor did not believe a word he said about killing people and children out of enjoyment. They both suspected that Laestrygon had someone he was directly reported to. And while that was technically true, they didn''t believe him about Poseidon either. That was the only thing that kept him alive.

    And yet, Laestrygon felt the pull. The saints would gather soon, and he felt the same urge to go there that the rest of them did. But all of Laestrygon''s attempts at escape failed.

    He had never looked into dungeons before, mostly because he thought he''d never get captured, and was surprised to find out about the magical nature of King Eduard''s dungeons.

    The chains had been enhanced until even the monarch himself couldn''t break through them. If a prisoner tried to use magic to escape, they''d find that the floor would send jolts of lightning through their body. Not enough to kill them, just to stop whatever they''re doing. This electricity could be adjusted to make sure it would damage even more durable prisoners. And that doesn''t even get into the constant drip of water moving onto Laestrygon''s forehead, which was chained to the wall behind him.

    But that was where King Eduard made a mistake.

    He thought Laestrygon''s control over water was the same sort of magic that he and everyone else used. It wasn''t something that he could be blamed for, considering how demigods were unheard of in this world. But Laestrygon could use this lack of knowledge all the same.

    Going too fast would result in his attempts being detected. Summoning large amounts of water would do the same. So, Laestrygon went as slow as he could. He manipulated drops of water from above to pool on the wall behind him, right where his chains were bolted, and slowly drilled through it. It had also been enhanced to endure a lot of damage. As such, Laestrygon had to work at the wall a lot over a long period of time.

    But then, the walls got damaged enough that they could be destroyed. Laestrygon waited until night. Then, he yanked his arms out, causing the wall behind him to crumble. A smile crossed the demigod''s face as he walked over to the bars of his cell.

    "Boom, baby! It''s prison break time," he said.

    Laestrygon decided to deal with the chains later. Those would take much longer. At that moment, he had two paths. One was through the wall he broke down and the other was through the bars in front of him. The demigod was unarmed, and he couldn''t control Earthquakes without his trident. Getting it back was high priority, but he also couldn''t risk fighting King Eduard again. Defeating him with the trident would be nigh impossible and without it...

    "Hell yeah, prison break!" a voice came to his ears.

    Laestrygon turned around to see a man behind him. There was a wide smile on his face. After a moment, Laestrygon recognized him as one of the mercenaries he hired to engage in banditry.

    "Alright, boss! How are we getting out of here?" the mercenary asked.

    "Can you pick locks, baby?" Laestrygon questions.

    "If I could, I''d have gotten outta here long ago. I mean, my fingernails got pulled off 15 times a day. It''s pretty painful."

    Laestrygon nodded.

    "Then, there''s just one way outta this, baby."

    He grabbed the mercenary and slammed his body into the bars so hard that it turned into a red mist. The prison bars dented in with a great din. That sound was soon followed by the shouts of the jailor.

    "Guards! It sounds like someone''s trying to break out!"

    Well, he was likely experienced if nothing else. Laestrygon jumped onto the ceiling, placing his feet in the spot where the water dripped down and freezing the liquid. This held him in place as he hid himself the best he could.

    When the guards came running in, they saw blood on the dented bars, the destroyed wall, and a pool of red liquid on the ground below. They also noticed that the water dripping from the ceiling wasn''t coming. The guards looked up and saw Laestrygon up there.

    Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more.

    "Why are you just hanging from the ceiling?" one of them asked.

    "You''re all gonna be victims of the son and saint of Poseidon!" Laestrygon declared.

    He jolted forward, using a blast of water to propel him at the already dented bars. Laestrygon pressed against them hard. While they didn''t break, they bent just enough for him to snatch a key from one of the guards.

    Laestrygon looked at the lock on the door to his cell as the guards leveled their spears. They thrust at him, but he dodged as he noted that the lock was too warped to work.

    So, Laestrygon jumped through the broken wall, passing by several bricks that would have been much better for bashing the bars than a live human. He moved to the bars on the other side and unlocked the door.

    "No one imprisons Laestrygon, the son and saint of Poseidon!" he declared. "I''m too bad for that, real bad!"

    He then started running through the dungeons, passing by various prisoners. A group of guards stepped in front of him. Laestrygon jumped into the air and kicked their helmeted heads, turning them into a red and gray mist.

    The demigod kept running. He would have left them alive longer to torture them, but the more time Laestrygon wasted...well, that just meant King Eduard the Defenestrator would have more time to catch up to him. Just thinking of the idea of fighting him again sent chills down Laestrygon''s spine.

    "There''s no damn way I''m trying to take that guy again!" he shivered.

    Laestrygon came to the dungeon''s entrance and burst out through the door. While it had been magically reinforced, it was made of wood and not metal. The magical durability enchanting, while the people of the world did not know it, was multiplicative, not additive.

    When he exited, Laestrygon found himself in the courtyard of a castle specifically for keeping prisoners. A dozen men with crossbows and knights in plate armor gazed down at him from the walls.

    "Well, it seems that a prisoner has escaped from the dungeon," one knight said. "Surrender now, and we will be merciful."

    Laestrygon created water at his feet. He used it to launch forward at the knight, a grimace crossing his target''s face. The soldier raised a hand. Fire formed in it before blasting out at the demigod. Another knight sent a bolt of lightning at Laestrygon. They moved so fast that the crossbowmen hadn''t even aimed their weapons before the spells were cast.

    The demigod sent a blast of water flying at his side, dodging the lightning mid-air. A blast of water formed in front of him at the same time. This extinguished the fireball. Laestrygon smiled wide as he landed on the side of the castle wall.

    A barrage of magic spells came at him, but he used water to boost his way up the wall until he came to the top. Laestrygon ran to its edge and looked down.

    The castle walls were over 50 feet tall. They were at the top of a large cliff that went down at least 200 feet to the ground, if not more. Solid rock was below the demigod. And the only way up from the bottom of the cliff was a sheer canyon wall on either side.

    In less than a second, Laestrygon would have spells and crossbow bolts flying at him. So, he jumped off the wall, intending to use water to slow his impact so he wouldn''t break his legs.

    "You fools! You can''t beat me, baby! I''m bad, real bad! Badder than you, baby!" Laestrygon declared as he fell.

    Laughter erupted from his mouth as he got closer to the ground.

    "I''m the son and saint of Poseidon, baby! I''m gonna kill you all! And you know why? Because I''m bad, baby! Real bad! And..."

    In his ranting, Laestrygon forgot to use water to cushion his fall. He hit the ground, legs first. They fell apart like a certain children''s toy made of connecting bricks being thrown onto the ground. Laestrygon felt pain, and he looked down to see a gruesome sight.

    "Huh. I''d think that there''d be more pain...aaaaaaand there it is. It hurts a lot, baby," he said.

    Some voices came to Laestrygon''s ears from above.

    "There''s no way anyone could have survived a fall like that!" some guy said.

    "Are you sure about that? I mean, there are a few magic spells you could use to live through that," another replied.

    "That is a very good point," The first stated. "Let''s make sure he''s dead by blasting the canyon with magic spells until it''s so destroyed that you can see dragon bones."

    "Sounds good to me! Though, I think those are bird bones, not dragon bones. I mean, they look more like bird skeletons and there are some very big birds."

    Panic flashed through Laestrygon. He was about to get nuked with magic, and his legs were gone! And then there was all this annoying pain that he hated so much!

    The demigod looked around the canyon for any possible shelter. He saw an outcropping that was above him, but it wouldn''t survive getting hit by what King Eduard''s knights had in mind.

    Laestrygon considered using water to blast himself out of the canyon to the skies above, but they''d probably see him come up. And Laestrygon didn''t know how wide an area the magic spells would cover.

    Remembering what he did to get through the prison wall earlier, Laestrygon summoned water around his body. He formed it into the shape of a drill and crashed it into the walls of the canyon. It started breaking through, creating a tunnel. Blasting water behind him, Laestrygon leaped into the tunnel as he drilled deeper.

    The demigod heard the sound of magical impacts behind him. He looked back just a second, seeing a barrage of fire, lightning, and numerous other attacks. Laestrygon kept moving forward.

    He didn''t know how long he was moving or how much blood he lost, but the demigod kept moving. Laestrygon had no doubt that King Eduard''s men would search the canyon after they destroyed it and would find his tunnel. The demigod never realized that he probably should have found some way to collapse it behind him, but he had lost a lot of blood and wasn''t thinking entirely straight.

    And yet, when Laestrygon burst out of the stone, he felt the cold night air flowing into his wounds. The demigod took deep breaths, having no idea where he was. He had gone in the general direction of the meeting of the saints, but Laestrygon hadn''t lost so much blood that he thought he was anywhere close to there.

    Still, a strange sight came to Laestrygon''s eyes. It made him realize just where he was, and opportunity knocked in the demigod''s mind. A smile crossed his face despite his condition.

    A pair of orcs had come to investigate. Judging from their armor, they served King Doomhell, who Laestrygon knew had very good reason to hate a certain saint he wanted dead.

 Chapter 56: Trudging Through a Forest

    I held up a checklist as I walked through the woods. If it wasn''t for magic bug spray, I''d be covered in mosquito bites. Thankfully, the area had been cleared of monsters before I got here. Dalv Sepet was with me. We both were carrying sacks filled with all sorts of things.

    "Alright. I have a list of everything we need," I said.

    "Are you really wasting paper on such a trivial purpose?" Dalv asked.

    Ignoring him, I kept talking.

    "Tents?" I questioned.

    "We have tents," Dalv stated. "And we checked before we left."

    "I''m doing a thing," I said.

    Dalv stopped in his tracks.

    "A...what?" he asked.

    "A thing, Drac," I answered. "Cooking kit?"

    "Yes, we have that," Dalv confirmed.

    I nodded.

    "Retainers?"

    Dalv sighed.

    "So, this is it," he said. "I apologize for everyone failing to inform you that you can''t bring your retainers to the meeting of saints."

    I waved it off.

    "Oh, it''s alright. I always figured that I couldn''t bring them," I replied. "What I didn''t figure is that I couldn''t bring them within eight kilometers of the meeting place and that it would be in the middle of the wilderness."

    "Where did you think the saints would meet?" Dalv asked, curiosity present in his eyes.

    I shrugged.

    "The middle of a temple or some other religious place. The Dark Elves have a temple that is for every god they know of, so I figured that saints would meet in a place like that," I said.

    Dalv nodded.

    "That is a decent assumption, and we once met in a temple in the holy city. That ended during a particularly violent meeting after magic came to the world. The temple was destroyed, and now we meet somewhere we won''t cause collateral damage," he explained.

    Then, he paused a moment.

    "Well, I suppose we could still cause it. It''ll just happen to a forest rather than a populated city," Dalv stated.

    I groaned.

    "And I wonder why Mr. God of Exposition couldn''t tell me this," I said.

    D?¨¦??om''s voice came into my head.

    "I could have told you, but you never asked," he said.

    "Fuck!" I shouted. "Why didn''t I ask?"

    Dalv stopped a moment to blink. There was an expression of shock on his face.

    "And here I thought that you wouldn''t be able to surprise me, but that was quite the outburst, Gustav," he stated.

    "It wasn''t even in my top 100 outbursts, Drac," I shrugged.

    D?¨¦??om burst out laughing.

    "I wouldn''t even put it in your top 1,000 outbursts!" he said.

    "It''s 557 for me," I stated.

    Dalv sighed as he moved on ahead.

    "Gustav, remember that I cannot hear D?¨¦??om. I can only hear Krewh," he pointed out.

    I never forgot, but I''m not telling Dalv that.

    "Don''t worry, I''ll remember," I promised.

    "Good. Now, we should still be careful. Just because there are no monsters here doesn''t mean the other saints won''t try to sabotage us. It''s no sure thing, but some of them might hold grudges," Dalv said. "Or one of their gods might have ordered them to set up traps."

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    "As a prank or to sabotage other gods?" I questioned.

    "Could be either. Trickster gods can be quite troublesome," he replied.

    After that, I kept an eye out for traps as we walked. Just ten paces later, Dalv held his arm in front of me. I stopped dead in my tracks. The Voivode picked up a rock and threw it forward.

    When the stone hit the ground, the forest floor opened under it. The rock ended up at the bottom of a half-meter-deep pit trap. Mud splashed from the hole in the ground. Or at least, I hoped it was mud.

    "In case you''re wondering, that isn''t mud," Dalv said. "I could smell the bat droppings all the way from here."

    Merde. Literally.

    "You must be around bat shit a lot if you can tell the difference between it and other forms of crap just from the smell, Drac," I stated.

    Dalv looked at me with narrowed eyes.

    "I cannot tell if you''re genuinely curious or if you''re making fun of me," he replied.

    Well, dung. I didn''t want Vlad Tepes to be mad at me. And I really was curious.

    "Even with your vampirism, I''m pretty sure telling one type of poop from another isn''t easy," I said. "I mean, you''d have to have some exposure to them at the very least."

    Dalv nodded.

    "I suppose that is a good point. And you are still very young. So, I will tell you this: this is not the first time another saint tried to use bat droppings against me. I might end up cutting his head off if this continues," he stated.

    Not impalement? Dalv was being pretty merciful.

    With a nod, I spoke again.

    "Do you think we''ll encounter more bat shit traps?" I asked.

    "Yes, there''s one up there," Dalv pointed at a tree and then at a log. "And one in there."

    An idea flashed in my mind.

    "Drac, can you use your vampire powers to turn into a bat and fly over all the traps?" I questioned.

    "Yes, I could, but then you''d be vulnerable to them," he replied. "Unless you can somehow smell bat droppings."

    D?¨¦??om''s voice came to my ears.

    "Please let Dalv stay with you. I don''t want you to show up at the saint meeting covered in bat shit."

    "First impressions are important. But don''t worry, I have another plan to get around those," I thought.

    "Does it involve just incinerating the forest in front of you with fire magic?"

    I shook my head.

    "Of course not. I''d rather avoid destroying this place''s ecosystem if I can."

    D?¨¦??om''s chuckling came into my head.

    "This is gonna be really cool, isn''t it?" he asked.

    "It sure is," I thought before speaking. "Don''t worry, Drac. I have a plan."

    Dalv furrowed his brow.

    "The more time I spend around you, the more that worries me," he said.

    "You''ll get used to it," I assure him. "Now, I''ve learned some wind magic in my own time."

    Dalv nodded.

    "I understand. You plan on using wind magic to blow away any traps in front of you. But that would not help for every trap," he pointed out.

    "That''s not my plan," I shook my head. "I might not be as good with wind magic as Joanna is, and I probably won''t be for another few hundred years, but I managed to put together a parachute while I was staying in the city."

    Dalv nodded again.

    "Could you please explain to me what a parachute is?" he asked.

    "It''s a big piece of fabric that''ll make you fall slower," I answered.

    A smile crossed Dalv''s face.

    "Ah, that sounds like a wonderful invention. It would make dragon flights much safer," he said. "And..."

    Dalv got a sudden look of revelation on his face. His eyes widened with shock.

    "Gustav, please tell me that you''re not planning on using wind magic and a parachute to try to fly to the saint meeting," the Voivode''s voice was filled with concern.

    "Drac, I''m not going to lie to you. I know that you hate it when people do that," I said.

    Dalv looked at me as if I was completely insane.

    "You really are going to try to fly, aren''t you?" he asked.

    "I wouldn''t call it flying. I''d more call it launching myself in the air and safely falling," I answered.

    "Gustav, I think that dragon flight messed with your head," Dalv said.

    D?¨¦??om sighed.

    "No, Dalv, Gustav was always like this," he stated.

    "You know he can''t hear you, right?" I thought.

    "I know. I''d better find Krewh in case I want to have him relay a message to Dalv," D?¨¦??om replied.

    "Good luck."

    Reaching into my sack, I pulled out a parachute. It was a very makeshift thing that looked more like a giant bedsheet attached to ropes than anything else. Dalv got a strange look on his face as I put the parachute on.

    "Gustav, I must recommend against this action," he said. "It is incredibly dangerous at a time when we cannot afford to be too injured. I cannot use healing magic, or any form of magic, and I cannot be certain whether or not any of the other saints would be willing to heal you."

    I nodded.

    "That''s a good point," I said.

    Dalv''s body relaxed as I put the parachute back in my backpack. Then, my mind raced to come up with a convenient way around the traps that filled the forest.

    That''s when a strange voice came to my ears.

    "Bat droppings? In a pit? M¨©ra''s bones, someone has a lot of time on their hands."

    It came from another area of the woods. My mind flashed back to my talk about the saint gathering with Dalv. Only one person that would be there is a saint of M¨©ra: Sir Elric Loxley of Fire Island.

    Fire Island. A.k.a. Fantasy England.

    And just my luck, the guy was William Dampier, an ENGLISH pirate, before he was reincarnated here. I was really hoping that he wouldn''t be the first Saint I met aside from Dalv.

    Then, hope entered my body. Just because he swore using M¨©ra''s name doesn''t mean he is a saint of M¨©ra. Yes, it...

    ...oh, who was I kidding? In just a few moments, Dalv will say something confirming that he''s Elric.

    Sure enough...

    "It seems that Sir Loxley is here," Dalv narrowed his eyes. "So long as he is not engaging in acts of piracy, I have few problems with him. But I suspect you have a larger issue?"

    "Even if you''re from Eastern Europe, you''re from the 1400s. I''m sure that you''ve heard about the Hundred Years War at the very least," I said.

    Dalv nodded.

    "Yes. That war ended during my lifetime. And I am aware of the rivalry between England and France. And despite now being a Greenriverlander, I do not blame you for holding strongly to your former identity. I fully respect that," the Voivode stated.

    He then looked through the woods. A slight smile crossed his face. Dalv pointed.

    "There''s a path over there. It leads away from Sir Loxley''s direction. Let''s take that route," he suggested.

    "Thank you," I said.

    And with that, we walked through a different route in the woods.

 Chapter 57: The Saints Camp

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 Chapter 58: Motteburh Saints

    With my sign strapped to my chest and several cans of magical bug spray with me, I moved out into the main camp. People gave me strange looks as I passed by. It reminded me of high school and college. And walking down the street before I died.

    I didn''t like getting reminded of those. So, I tried to ignore the looks as I walked over to the closest group of people who were being assailed by insects. They were a trio of women dressed in high-class fashion. One of them turned to me. Their expressions were filled with sheer judgementalism.

    "And just who might you be?" she asked.

    "Saint Sir Gustav, Lord von Blitzburg," I answered.

    Their eyes widened slightly when they heard my name. The women looked at each other, clear discomfort on their faces. They already looked discomforted from all the bug bites, but hearing who I was didn''t exactly seem to make things better.

    "I''ll be fast," I said. "I''m just here to give you some spray that''ll repel insects. Then, I''ll be on my way."

    I pulled out three cans of bug spray, Dalv brought a truly massive amount, and placed them on the ground. Then, I turned and started to walk away.

    "Wait," the woman''s voice came to my ears. "Your superior commands it. I am a Duchess, and you are a landless knight. If you do not turn around, I will have you flogged."

    Great. Now, I was as uncomfortable as they were. I recalled the saints Dalv and Krew told me about. Then, I realized who those three were. They were most likely the saints of Nakki, and they were from Motteburh.

    I turned around with a massive smile on my face, clearly forced. Greater looks of discomfort came over the women''s faces.

    "Yes? What do you need, nobles of Motteburh?" I asked, making my distaste clear in my voice.

    One of the other women raised her hand. The duchess turned to her.

    "You may speak," the duchess said.

    "Your Grace, I don''t think we should anger this man. He might be of a lower status than any of us, but he''s from Greenrivers. Our foreign relations with Greenrivers are bad enough already. And he is the only saint of D?¨¦??om. And if the sign on his chest is even remotely true, that just makes angering him an even worse idea," the other woman pointed out.

    Her words flashed me back to reality. I was trying to keep violence from breaking out. Even if I didn''t like Motteburh, being rude to people from it wasn''t going to help me here.

    "My apologies. I just got a rock in my shoe, so it is very hard for me to smile right now. I did not mean any offense by it," I said.

    The duchess looked between me and the woman with a blank expression.

    "I will accept your apology for now, Saint Gustav, as my subordinate did raise some decent points. And we are not here to be your enemy or the enemy of your god," she stated.

    "That is good to know," I replied.

    She kept her expression blank.

    "D?¨¦??om has brought up some alleged issues with Motteburh to Nakki recently. I assured her that they were not problems, but she told me that she had come down in disguise to Motteburh to find out what was going on. She was not happy and is now drinking," the duchess explained.

    It was hard for me to feel sympathy for the goddess of aristocrats, especially since she let Motteburh reach its current state in the first place. Still, I was glad that she at least thought Motteburh went too far. That was a good sign.

    "And what do you want me to do about it?" I asked. "And you know that our patron gods can hear us, right?"

    The duchess looked at me as if I was an idiot.

    "I am well aware of that. Every saint is. I merely wanted to get the perspective of someone outside of Motteburh. Its condition was enough to drive my patron goddess to drink. If that isn''t a wake-up call, then I don''t know what is," she answered.

    Well, it looks like I might have misunderstood her.

    "Tell me, from an outsider''s perspective, how bad is Motteburh?" the duchess questioned.

    "Horrible," I replied without hesitation. "It''s a nightmarish dictatorial hellhole that makes Edo-period Japan look like a free society with high social mobility."

    "I have no idea what that is," she said.

    D?¨¦??om''s laughter flowed into my ears.

    Right. I was so caught up in my historical analogy that I forgot what world I was in.

    "Your Grace, it is not normal for an aristocrat to threaten to flog someone if they don''t stop and talk to them. At least, it isn''t normal outside of Motteburh," I stated.A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

    The duchess shrugged.

    "Well, I can understand others thinking it''s a bit much for a noble to threaten to whip another noble," she said.

    "They don''t threaten commoners as their first resort either," I replied.

    Complete and utter shock crossed the duchess'' face.

    "They don''t?" she asked. "Why not?"

    "Some might, but most don''t," I said.

    The duchess'' jaw dropped to the ground.

    "But why not?"

    "Is there any need to threaten someone to do something when they''ll do it even if you don''t?" I questioned.

    "Yes. Threatening your loyal inferiors and constantly making it clear what they are will preserve the social order," the duchess replied.

    "Then, why hasn''t Greenrivers collapsed? We don''t constantly do that, and our biggest problem is war debts, not the social order breaking down," I said.

    Not counting the social order of us not being like Motteburh being threatened by Motteburh, of course.

    Silence overcame the area. The duchess looked like she wanted to say something, but she held her tongue. I could see the wheels in her head turning.

    "Well...that is a good point, I suppose. Yes, Motteburh seems to have gone too far after all. This will simply not do. I must think on this," the duchess decided.

    She started to turn to her comrades before stopping. The duchess turned back to me.

    "Saint Gutsav, in Motteburh, it is considered socially immoral to thank your subordinates or anyone of lower social status than you. This is regardless of what they do," the duchess spoke. "It has been considered this way for 40 years now, and that never sat well with some of us. So, thank you for pointing me to what caused Nakki to start drinking."

    "You''re welcome," I replied. "Don''t forget the bug spray."

    "Nobles don''t pick things up off the ground, and none of our servants are here. So, we will endure the big bites."

    Well, that was stupid of her.

    The duchess turned to her fellow Saints of Nakki.

    "Let us depart and discuss things in private, or I might have you flo...never mind that," she said.

    One of the others curtsied so low that her nose almost touched the ground.

    "If it pleases your Grace, and it troubles you not, might I catch up with you later? I wish to have words with Saint Gustav, with your permission."

    The duchess nodded.

    "While I would normally refuse your request...you have my permission this day," she stated.

    With that, the duchess and other Saint of Nakki left. Now, it was just me and this one girl. We walked someplace private, a bit outside of the camp, where we were certain no one could hear us.

    "Hello, Saint Gustav," the woman curtsied to me. "Or should I say, hello, monsieur Louis Martin?"

    I waved it off.

    "I''m Saint Gustav. Louis Martin died 15 years ago in another world," I replied. "I take it you used to be Princess ¨¦lisabeth Philippe Marie H¨¦l¨¨ne and are now Dame Alarie?"

    "The very same," she nodded. "Are you not holding onto your former identity?"

    That was a strange question...no, wait, under these circumstances, it''s a normal question.

    "I guess I am to some extent. I think of myself as someone with dual citizenship in France and Greenrivers," I said.

    Alarie nodded. Her expression was one of unnerving calm. However, she swiftly replaced it with iron.

    "It is a shame that I cannot say that I am happy to see a Frenchman here," she stated.

    "Considering how you lost your head in the revolution, I can''t blame you," I admitted.

    Alarie''s expression remained ironclad.

    "Yes. Nakki also kept me informed of what happened after my death," she said. "Without a king and misled by unscrupulous individuals, France turned to madness.

    And then, I had to see Motteburh suffer a different type of madness. I thought my faith in Nakki had been misplaced before she spoke to me recently."

    "We might disagree on a few things," I stated, a hint of anger flashing through me.

    Alarie nodded.

    "I thought as much. You are a supporter of that revolution, are you not?" she asked.

    "Not really," I answered.

    D?¨¦??om spat out something he was drinking.

    "You of all people don''t support the revolution? Don''t you hate kings and nobles?" he asked.

    "It''s true that I don''t like kings and I don''t like nobles. I also think France is better off as a Republic than it was under the monarchy," I spoke aloud so Alarie and

    D?¨¦??om could hear me. "But the revolution went too far when it put nobles who supported it on the guillotine. I can''t support any cause that punishes people for doing the right thing."

    I then took the deepest sigh I ever had in my entire life.

    "And things kept getting worse from there. Robespierre''s reign of terror was a disgusting mess. The only thing it managed to accomplish was to keep a lunatic with a god complex in power until he made a mistake," I said.

    "So, you don''t intend to repeat the revolution?" Alarie asked.

    Anger started filling me. I clenched my hands so hard they turned white.

    "I don''t like monarchies, and I hate to admit it, but most of the monarchs in this world aren''t so bad. At least, they aren''t now that Hildoara is in charge of Vandalland. And even in Motteburh, the consequences of repeating the revolution could be disastrous, even more than in my old world," I answered. "The fact that spellcasters don''t age makes it worse. I don''t want to risk putting an unaging Robespierre or Stalin in charge of a country. Imagine anywhere from centuries to infinity of being ruled by someone like them."

    The thought made both me and Alarie cringe. I''m pretty sure it made D?¨¦??om cringe too. But I couldn''t see him.

    "Well, Gustav, it seems we are in agreement about something at least. Neither of us want someone as horrible as Robespierre on the throne of any country for any length of time," Alarie said. "And I fear that if Motteburh continues down its current path, it may get a revolution and someone like him."

    I nodded.

    "There''s no way I''m going to let Motteburh stay the way it is forever, but a revolution could put it in an even worse position. That''s my dilemma," I replied.

    Alarie nodded.

    "We are in agreement on that. But are you planning on having your king conquer us?" she questioned.

    I shook my head.

    "Even if I agreed with his conquests, which I don''t, I wouldn''t plan on it. King Eduard is going to conquer the Northern barbarians no matter what. And after he does, Greenrivers will have reached its logistical maximum size. He couldn''t hold down more territory even if he wanted to," I said.

    At least, that''s what I assumed based on the maps I looked at. King Eduard had already brought a bit of war debt onto Greenrivers, and I suspected a lot of that was the cost of transporting supplies.

    "But don''t worry. I''ll think of something else eventually. In the meantime, it''ll be good to have someone inside of Motteburh who I''m working with. Could you give me your crystal ball number?" I asked.

    "No," Alarie answered. "I don''t have a crystal ball."

    "Ah, you can''t afford it," I nodded.

    "That''s not it. In Motteburh, it''s illegal for anyone of lower status than a viscount to have one. Even viscounts are only allowed to have them if they get the approval of their count. And I am just a knight."

    ...I REALLY fucking hate the Motteburh government.

 Chapter 59: An Encounter with Former English

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

 Chapter 60: What are orcs doing here?

    I was walking along the outskirts of the camp, thinking about my situation there. It had been a day since I arrived, and things were going much better than I expected. No one had died or even fought yet. This couldn''t have had anything to do with me, considering how all I did was be friendly to people and hand out bug spray. The other saints were probably just in a good mood.

    But anyway, I wasn''t out of the woods yet. This was both metaphorically and literally. The Equinox would keep going for a few days, and I''d have to deal with the other saints during this time.

    There was something else important as well. The camp had no baths. So, I''d need to bathe in a river. Which meant I needed to wait until no one else was using the river.

    I know it''s a weird rule and the river is massive (it''s twice the length and width of the Loire). But some of the saints apparently insisted on it the meeting before the last. There were some issues during the meeting before that one.

    So, yes, I was pacing around the entire camp waiting for people to be done using an entire river.

    Then, a voice came to my ears.

    "The river''s empty!"

    "Finally!" I shouted and ran as fast as I could, using magic to boost my speed.

    Closer and closer I went to the river, ready to bathe in it. Finally! I could get all the bugs and dirt and whatever else was on me off! It was time for me to...

    ...fuck. There were some orcs in the river.

    I turned around to leave. The river was occupied, and the rules...

    ...wait...why were there orcs in the river? There weren''t any orc saints. At least, I didn''t think there were.

    "D?¨¦??om, are there any orc saints?" I thought.

    "Not that I know of, and even if there were orc saints, there wouldn''t be 27 of them," the god replied.

    I counted the orcs in the river. Yup, there were 27 of them. Currently, they were bathing while fully clothed. In fact, they were wearing their full armor and carrying weapons.

    "This is weird. I''m going to investigate," I decided.

    "Shouldn''t you go back and tell someone what you''ve found?" D?¨¦??om questioned.Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.

    "That''s what the orcs are expecting. Besides, I don''t know if they''re here on behalf of someone in the camp. Outside of Dalv, I don''t really trust any of the saints, and I don''t trust him all that much."

    "That''s...a good point," the god stated.

    I nodded.

    "Now, I''m going to disguise myself as a bush," I told him.

    So, I grabbed a bush, lifted it up by the roots, and hid myself inside of it. I walked over to the river as low to the ground as possible. About halfway there, one of the orcs turned in my direction.

    I stopped dead in my tracks as fast as possible. The orc narrowed his eyes. A grimace crossed his face.

    "Hey! That bush wasn''t there before!" he shouted.

    "Yes, it was!" I yelled back.

    "Not, it wasn''t!" the orc insisted.

    I let out a sigh so deep and audible that the orc could hear it. I''m certain that his allies could hear our conversation.

    "Listen, I am the spirit of the woods," I said, recalling that orcs were the descendants of spirits. "I know exactly where every bush and tree grew."

    The orc opened his mouth before closing it.

    "Well, that makes sense to me. Forest spirits know what they''re talking about," he stated.

    Then, the orc went right back to bathing. D?¨¦??om sighed.

    "Why am I not surprised that they fell for this?" he pondered.

    "Because you''re the God of Exposition," I thought.

    "Yes. I was being rhetorical."

    I stayed in the bush and spoke again.

    "So, what are you orcs doing here, anyway?" I asked.

    "What''s it look like?" a different orc questioned. "We''re bathing."

    Well, that confirmed that. But I had a different question in mind too.

    "Why are you bathing in full armor with all your weapons?" I questioned.

    "So we can wash them too."

    He tapped his head.

    "You see, humans aren''t very smart. They take their armor off while bathing. But if you bathe with all your weapons and armor, you can wash everything at once."

    "What happens if you fall into a deep part of the river and drown because your armor weighs you down?" I questioned.

    The orcs all paused their bathing. A grim realization crossed their faces. They slowly backed out of the river. I heard D?¨¦??om bash his head against something.

    "Thank you, wise spirit of the forest!" one of the orcs said. "I was wondering why we keep losing orcs while bathing."

    D?¨¦??om bashed his head harder.

    "So, did you orcs travel all the way here just to bathe in a river? Do you live nearby or something?" I questioned.

    "No. We''re from the North, very far North. We got here a few weeks ago," the first orc said.

    "We''re the vanguard of the invasion," another orc bragged.

    "Invasion?"

    Another nodded.

    "Yeah, Doomhell met this saint of some god we''ve never heard of. I think the god''s name was Poseidon or something. Anyway, the saint said that some guy named Saint Gustav is the reason we didn''t get a good fight with those human armies. So, we''re coming here to kill him."

    Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Fuck.

    "How many orcs are on the way here?" I asked.

    "About 10,000 or something," he answered.

    "And when will they be getting here?"

    "A few days from now."

    My stomach formed a pit so large that it might as well have been a black fucking hole. I was beginning to wonder just how fucked I was.

    "One last question. Do you have any idea who set up those traps filled with bat guano?"

    "Oh, that was us," another orc stated. "The saint of Poseidon said it would be funny if we did that. Don''t know why, though."

    "Thank you very much, orcs. I, the spirit of the forest, will now depart."

    Casting a magic wind spell below me as hard as I could, I blasted myself into the air and towards the camp.

 Chapter 61: The Orc Camp

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

 Chapter 62: Confrontation with Laestrygon

    As the son and saint of Poseidon entered the room, I noticed that his legs were made of water. Like, his normal legs were completely gone and now he was walking on water. It was a very strange sight, and Dalv seemed equally baffled by it.

    "Boom, baby!" the son of Poseidon stepped into the space near the orc king. "I''m gonna..."

    His gaze fell on me. He stopped dead in his tracks and turned to King Doomhell.

    "What the hell''s this guy don'' here, baby?" the saint of Poseidon asked.

    "Laestrygon, he is a forest spirit," King Doomhell answered. "He is the spirit of the forest all the saints are meeting at."

    Ah, so that''s what that guy''s name was! It''s a bit weird that I''m learning it from an orc, but oh well.

    The son of Posei...Laestrygon looked between the orc king and me. He looked at Dalv before turning back to King Doomhell with a baffled expression.

    "I''m pretty sure that guy''s Saint Gustav, baby," Laestrygon said.

    King Doomhell shook his head.

    "You humans don''t know much about spirits, do you?" the orc asked. "Spirits can look however they want. If he looks like that Saint Gustav git, it just means that he wants to look like him."

    Laestrygon looked dumbfounded.

    "No, I''m pretty sure he''s Saint Gustav, baby," he stated.

    "I trust my boys more than I trust you," King Doomhell narrowed his eyes. "If you want to convince me that he''s the real Saint Gustav, prove it."

    Laestrygon turned to me.

    "Prove that you''re a spirit, baby! Do some spirit stuff!" he ordered.

    "Alright," I rolled up my sleeves. "Allow me to demonstrate my powers as a spirit!"

    Extending my hand, I sent a blast of wind out. It blew some leaves on the ground around. Dalv was struggling to contain his laughter.

    "I used my powers as the spirit of the forest to summon wind to blow those leaves around," I said.

    The orcs nodded.

    "That proves it," one of them stated.

    "He''s a spirit alright," another agreed.

    "There," King Doomhell said. "Does that satisfy you, Laestrygon?"

    Laestrygon''s eye twitched.

    "Listen, baby, wind magic ain''t all that rare! Lots of human nobles have it!" he declared.

    King Doomhell scoffed.

    "And what proof do you have that he is a saint and not a spirit? My boys say he''s a spirit, and that''s good enough for me," the orc said.

    Laestrygon facepalmed so hard that I thought he''d knock one of his own teeth out. He then swerved around to me.

    "Okay, baby! I''m gonna ask you something only the real Saint Gustav would know the answer to!" Laestrygon stated.

    I folded my arms and narrowed my eyes.

    "If it''s something only the real Saint Gustav would know, how do you know it?" I asked. "Maybe you were the real Saint Gustav all along?"

    Some of the orcs shared looks of apprehension.

    "He''s got a point," one of them said.

    Another nodded.

    "Yeah. If he knows something only Saint Gustav would know, maybe he''s Saint Gustav."

    King Doomhell placed a finger on his chin.

    "That is a good point. How do I know that you''re not actually Saint Gustav, Laestrygon?" he asked.

    The saint of Poseidon''s eyes twitched.

    "Listen, baby, I was being kept in a Greenrivers prison! Saint Gustav''s one of King Eduard the Defenestrator''s inner circle! He wouldn''t lock him away there! Ain''t that proof enough, baby?"

    King Doomhell thought that through for a moment before nodding.

    "I guess it is," the orc said.

    "This could all be a trap," I replied. "King Eduard could have arranged everything to trick you into going all the way down here where you''re nowhere near Greenrivers."

    King Doomhell nodded.

    "That''s another good point," he stated. "So, what do you have to say to that, Laestrygon? Or should I say, Saint Gustav?"You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

    Laestrygon slammed his head down hard, bashing it against the floor.

    "Now, that''s a good argument. Alright, I believe you''re not Saint Gustav," King Doomhell said.

    "W-What?" even Laestrygon was baffled by it.

    He then turned to me with a grin. Laestrygon punched himself hard in the balls while letting out a gasp of pain.

    "Alright, now you lost me," King Doomhell stated. "That doesn''t even make any sense."

    Laestrygon turned to me.

    "Alright, baby," he said. "I''m gonna ask you questions only Saint Gustav would know the answer to. If you answer them right, that means you''re Saint Gustav."

    Dalv opened his mouth to speak before closing it. I could tell that he wanted to point out that this only worked if I was trying to disguise myself as Saint Gustav and wasn''t trying to hide that I was him. But then Dalv remembered we were there to kill Laestrygon and decided to bite down his frustration.

    "Go ahead and ask me them," I said.

    "Alright, baby. Here we go: when we were fighting at the Mr. and Mrs. Barbarian contest, where did you land your first strike on me?" Laestrygon asked.

    "Nowhere," I answered. "We never fought at that contest. I''ve never even been to that contest. I''m the spirit of the forest, not Saint Gustav, remember?"

    King Doomhell nodded.

    "He''s got you there," the orc said.

    Laestrygon facepalmed, not realizing that he was only slightly smarter than the orcs, by my estimation.

    "Okay. Where did Saint Gustav first hit me when we fought at that contest?" he asked.

    "How am I supposed to know that?" I questioned. "Did he kick you in the ass or something?"

    "No, baby! He..."

    Laestrygon started to speak before closing his mouth. He let out a light chuckle.

    "I mean, yes, that''s right, baby! Saint Gustav kicked me right in the ass!" Laestrygon declared.

    King Doomhell scoffed.

    "It''s too late to retract it now," he said. "We already heard you say it was wrong."

    Then, the orc king narrowed his eyes.

    "And I think I know what your plan is, Laestrygon. All this time, you really wanted to get us to hurt this spirit of the forest, didn''t you?"

    Laestrygon shook his head.

    "No, baby! I don''t wanna hurt any spirits of the forest," he said. "They don''t scream the way humans do. It ain''t as fun, baby!"

    King Doomhell nodded.

    "That''s a good point. Spirits aren''t as fun to kill as humans are," the orc king stated.

    I scoffed as loudly as I possibly could.

    "And do you really believe him?" I asked. "He thought I was Saint Gustav! He''s clearly insane! And obviously, you''d have to be insane to think that spirits are more fun to kill than humans! So, he must have been trying to kill me!"

    My brain hurt from the words I had just spoken. Logically speaking, they made no damn sense. But I hoped to hell that the orcs would fall for it. Especially given how stupid they are.

    Now, you might be wondering where D?¨¦??om was during all this. The answer was simple. He was trying to control his laughter. Despite being a god, D?¨¦??om''s was failing.

    King Doomhell stood up to his full height. Now, rage coated his body.

    "Now, that''s a good point! Laestrygon, you''ve been trying to trick us all this time, haven''t you?" the orc monarch shouted.

    Laestrygon shook his head so fast that it looked like he''d fly into the air like a helicopter.

    "No, baby! I know I''m bad, real bad! But I''m not trying to trick you, honest!" he insisted.

    King Doomhell loomed high over Laestrygon. His army of orcs, who I just noticed had been gathering in the area, started drawing their weapons. I couldn''t help but smile.

    "I''ll give you one last chance, one last argument to prove that you weren''t trying to trick us into hurting a spirit or a spirit''s woods," the head orc declared.

    "Don''t worry, baby! I''ll prove it!" Laestrygon nodded. "Okay, ummm...how do I prove this to orcs..."

    It looked like Laestrygon''s mind was racing as he desperately tried to comprehend orc logic. Then, a smile crossed his face. He threw his arms up to the sky and laughed.

    "That''s it, baby! I''ve got it! Proof that this guy''s Saint Gustav!" Laestrygon declared.

    He pointed at King Doomhell.

    "Get an oracle, baby! They can see if someone''s a saint!"

    The orc king shook his head.

    "We orcs don''t have any oracles," King Doomhell said.

    "Then, get an orcacle," Laestrygon replied.

    D?¨¦??om''s laughter came to a sudden halt. In fact, the whole area became silent. Dalv grabbed my arm and yanked me towards the exit. He started running with terror on his face.

    "We need to get out of here, now!" Dalv declared.

    "Why? What''s going on?" I asked.

    The voivode grimaced.

    "I am certain that Laestrygon was being serious, partially due to his own stupidity," Dalv explained. "But the orcs aren''t smart enough to figure it out."

    Looking around, I saw the orcs start turning from green to red. A sense of foreboding flowed through my body. Laestrygon looked very confused.

    "What''s going on?" I asked.

    "You and Laestrygon are still young, so I doubt you''d know this, but there''s nothing orcs hate more than bad puns. It causes them to go into a death rage," Dalv answered.

    "That...that''s bad, isn''t it?"

    I started running too as I spoke. The orcs were getting more and more mad. D?¨¦??om''s voice entered my mind. It was filled with complete and utter panic.

    "Get out of there now, Gustav!" somehow, my ears hurt from his voice filling my mind.

    Dalv shivered in dread.

    "Bad does not even begin to describe it. If Turks were in the middle of an orc death rage, I would mercy kill them."

    Well, that fucking settled things.

    I cast wind magic behind myself, blasting me and Dalv forward and out of the orc camp. Just as we got outside of it, a loud roar echoed from the area behind us. We started running as fast as we possibly could.

    As we fled, the ground started to rumble. Laestrygon must have created an earthquake to try to survive the army of orcs. I hoped it wouldn''t be enough to save him, but I wasn''t going to assume he was dead.

    Dalv and I kept running until I couldn''t run any longer. Then, Dalv picked me up and carried me all the way back to the saint camp. It was dark by the time we arrived.

    Fridus was waiting for us. Relief crossed his face when he saw our return.

    "Thank the gods, you''re back," he said. "I take it you won the duel?"

    I rolled off Dalv''s back and plopped onto the ground.

    "There was no duel," I replied.

    "Then, what happened?" Fridus asked.

    Dalv sighed.

    "The orcs entered a death rage after our target made a bad pun," he answered.

    Fridus cringed.

    "That is not good," he said.

    "At least they''re too far away from us to be a threat," Dalv replied. "Their death rage will subside by the time they get here. I just hope no one''s camping close to the orc camp."

    Fridus grimaced.

    "There shouldn''t be. But if there are, I feel horrible for them," he said.

    Then, the baron scratched his chin.

    "Still, we should try to look on the bright side, I suppose. At least the orcs will kill your target."

    I shook my head from my position on the ground.

    "They might, but they might not too. I''ve got a feeling that he''s still alive," I said.

    "Unfortunately, I have the same feeling," D?¨¦??om replied. "Laestrygon is a son of Poseidon, and if he died, Poseidon would throw a shit fit."

    With a nod, I spoke again.

    "D?¨¦??om agrees with me, and he''s the God of Exposition. So, Laestrygon is probably still out there somewhere," I said.

    "Well, then I suppose we''ll have to deal with him again someday," Dalv grimaced. "Best of luck, Gustav. Laestrygon seems to hold a grudge against you."

    I nodded.

    "The next time we meet, I''ll make sure to kill him. Either that, or he''ll escape. It''s something or the other."

 Chapter 63: A Plan Involving Emus

    The rest of the saint meeting went by without much happening. A few people heard of the orc incident, but it didn''t really lead to all that much. Or at least I think it didn''t. I heard some whisperings when I passed by people, but it didn''t seem like they were saying anything bad about me.

    Soon, the time came for the saint meeting to end. I no longer felt the pull of the equinox when I went away from the camp.

    When I was just finishing packing up what little things I brought to the camp, I breathed a sigh of relief.

    "Thank the gods, it''s almost over," I said.

    "Did you not enjoy our little vacation?" Dalv gave me a playful smirk.

    "I have neutral feelings about camping at this point," I replied. "But this was one of the worst camping trips of my life. Or, rather, lives."

    The Voivode shrugged.

    "It wasn''t that bad," he stated.

    "Your peoples'' bug spray helped with that, but the only thing I really did was walk around camp for a few days. And we were almost killed by orcs," I said.

    "Oh, yes, there was that," Dalv shrugged. "But it could have been worse."

    I nodded.

    "Yes. It could always be much, much worse," I agreed.

    We were never able to find Laestrygon''s body. From wha

    t we could discover, King Doomhell and a good portion of the orcs survived the battle, but most of the orcs were killed. I had no doubt that Laestrygon was still alive and waiting for the right opportunity to make his return.

    "Well, Drac, I''ll probably see you anywhere from a few weeks to a few years. I have no idea," I said.

    "Does that count crystal ball calls?" Dalv asked.

    "No," I answered. "If that was the case, I''d say I''ll probably see you in a few days."

    He nodded.

    "I suppose so," Dalv stated.

    Baron Fridus approached us.

    "Well, Gustav, I suppose this is goodbye for now. It''s a shame that we didn''t have time to get to know each other better," he said.

    "That really is a shame," I replied. "Even if you were English, you were a medical genius by all accounts."

    Fridus chuckled.

    "Yes. And I''m glad that my queen wishes for you to eventually be her king, even if you were French," he stated.

    It felt really bad that I had English people, or formerly English people, to thank for a few things. However, I comforted myself with the thought that they weren''t English anymore since they reincarnated.

    "Though, I do have a question," Fridus spoke up. "It seems you aren''t going back with Dalv when you two came together. Why is that?"

    The voivode let out a deep sigh.

    "Saint Gustav here came up with his latest plan, and he''s going to start enacting it on his way back. I wanted to preserve my sanity and not risk overhearing anything he says," Dalv said.

    A sense of apprehension crossed over Fridus.

    "Is it that bad?" he asked.

    "It isn''t bad at all," I answered. "It seems fairly obvious to me, after that ex-pirate told me about Motteburh''s native wildlife and Astrid confirmed what he said."

    Fridus opened his mouth to ask another question, but Dalv interrupted him.

    "Don''t ask more questions if you value your sanity, Fridus. The best thing to do when Gustav comes up with some scheme is to either go along with it or avoid it.

    After some hesitation, Fridus nodded.

    "I will take your word for it," he said.

    Then, he turned to me and gave a slight bow.

    "Well, then, I bid you goodbye, Saint Gustav. Until next we meet."

    "See you later," I replied.

    Soon, I was walking by myself in the woods. However, saying I was by myself was a bit wrong. You''re never alone when you''re a saint. And I contacted D?¨¦??om.

    "Have you set up the three-way call?" I asked.

    "I have. Though, it''s a bit weird calling a three-way telepathic communication a call," he answered. "Even for a god, this wasn''t easy."

    "How hard was it?"

    D?¨¦??om sighed.

    "The main issue was setting it up in a way that wouldn''t damage your sanity. Thankfully, I was able to."If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

    "So, you didn''t have any problems getting her to join us?" I questioned.

    "None at all. She''s the mother of the native humans of Australia, so she''s one of my allies. She''s also one of the gods involved in this world''s creation, which means her interfering doesn''t break any divine laws or treaties. And she''s also in on the whole reincarnate godslayers plan. So, she knows who you were before you reincarnated."

    Then, D?¨¦??om''s voice became slightly faint.

    "Hey, you can come in now. Gustav''s mind will be fine."

    A feminine voice entered my head.

    "Testing, 1. 2. 3. Testing."

    "I can hear you," I thought.

    "That''s great news!" she said. "I haven''t had a saint in millennia, so I''m a bit out of practice, talking to someone like this."

    "You aren''t really well worshipped here either," I noted.

    D?¨¦??om then contacted me.

    "She was busy with other worlds, that''s all."

    "Yes, I was very busy," the feminine voice agreed. "Honestly, I forgot just how casual saints were with gods."

    I nodded.

    "Alright. Now, for introductions...I am Saint Sir Gustav, Lord von Blitzburg. And you''re the goddess of emus, right?"

    There was a moment of silence.

    "The goddess of...emus? I am the mother of all Australian wildlife...so I guess that counts. And a few of my children are in Motteburh," she said.

    D?¨¦??om sighed.

    "This is what Gustav''s like. You''ll get used to it," he stated.

    "Oh, right, of course," the goddess replied. "I am Eingana, the Dreamtime Snake. I am a goddess of death, but I also birthed all life in Australia. I am glad that some of my children were recreated in other universes as well."

    "Great! Now, I need your help with the emus in Motteburh," I thought.

    The sound of slithering entered my ears.

    "What about that?" Eingana questioned.

    "I''m not sure if you know this, but the leadership of Motteburh are massive dicks," I explained. "So, I''m planning on launching a multi-pronged economic attack on Motteburh to force them to make internal reforms."

    "Why not just invade them and force them to?"

    I shook my head.

    "Aside from the massive loss of life that would involve, I want Motteburh to be able to keep its independence. If they were invaded, Motteburh would get split up between Vandalland and Greenrivers," I explained.

    Then, D?¨¦??om''s voice entered my head again.

    "Eingana, remember that he was reincarnated from a different world. The values that he has are different from those of the people of this world. And those values include what could be called ''self-governance'' or ''nationalism,'' at least to an extent."

    "I wouldn''t call myself a nationalist," I thought. "But I suppose even people who despise nationalism from my old world are nationalists compared to people who believe in feudalism."

    D?¨¦??om burst out laughing. It was completely uncontrollable from what I could tell.

    "Umm...he''s going to be okay, so don''t worry," Eingana said. "So, you need my help because emus are native to Motteburh?"

    "Yes. I want to recreate the Great Emu War," I explained.

    Stepping over a rock and ducking under a tree branch, I kept moving as Eingana contemplated what I just said.

    "You do realize that the Great Emu War only happened because the Australian government tried to use a machine gun on emus, and guns don''t exist in this world?" she asked.

    "I''m aware of that," I answered. "I''m also aware that the Australian government issued bounties on emus after the war, and these bounties were carried out successfully. Meaning that the human Australians won the emu war in the end."

    Eingana''s voice turned contemplative.

    "You are awfully well-versed in Australian history for a former Frenchman, Saint Gustav," she said.

    "Thank you," I replied.

    D?¨¦??om''s voice came to me once more.

    "Not a nationalist, he says...well, I suppose humans of his old world differentiate patriotism and nationalism. So, by his," the god grumbled for a moment. "Never mind that. Gustav, just explain to her why you think your plan will work."

    I nodded.

    "Of course. Normally, emus would be no threat to anyone in this world. There are far more dangerous monsters out there, and any spellcaster is more than a match for a horde of emus. However, the nobles of Motteburh won''t defend their commoners'' crops from emus. And, I''ll need to double-check to be sure, but I doubt the nobles of Motteburh allow commoners outside of the army to own weapons. If they don''t, then I can keep the Motteburh nobles and their armies busy with the other prongs of my attack while their commoners aren''t able to deal with the emus," I explained.

    Eingana''s voice contained a tone of realization.

    "I understand now," she said. "You intend to lay siege to Motteburh, to starve the commoners out."

    Shaking my head, I responded.

    "No. I''m not going to let them starve to death. I intend to use this to get the Motteburh commoners to support Greenrivers and Vandalland-backed reform efforts."

    Now, I had Eingana''s attention.

    "And how do you intend to do that? Greenrivers is already having trouble paying its war debts, but the best way to gain the Motteburh commoners'' support, under those circumstances, would be to supply them with food. The effort that comes with that would cost a lot of money."

    "It would. But thankfully, I have connections with merchant guilds present in Blitzburg. And I have a dragon who is willing to act as their bodyguard," I told her. "This will not be a purely governmental effort. I intend to get the merchants involved too. In fact, they''re the main arm of my plan."

    I stopped and started drawing on the ground to illustrate my grand scheme.

    "Merchants don''t work for free, but I could give them information about an upcoming famine in Motteburh. In exchange, I''ll make them put a price ceiling on the food they sell in Motteburh. A price ceiling is a limit on the maximum price. The merchants will still charge more than usual, but it''ll be in a way that the peasants can still afford it. Cinnamon will spread the news that a Greenrivers noble is behind the food arriving and the price ceiling, and he''ll make sure that the merchants actually obey the price ceiling. I''ll also send shipments of food over to the Motteburh peasants with my personal funds. Then, peasant support will go in favor of Greenrivers."

    "And all because you rescued them from a famine you started," Eingana pointed out.

    I nodded with grimness. A sense of guilt pulsed through my body, but I pushed it aside for now.

    "Eingana, I am fully aware that what I am doing could be considered incredibly immoral by my old world''s standards. However, if my plan succeeds, the people of Motteburh will be less oppressed by their nobles than before. It might even lead to more reforms in the future. And the peasants of Greenrivers will not end up getting more oppressed. All the while, Motteburh gets to keep its own independence."

    With a deep sigh, I stood up.

    "If you think it would be better for Greenrivers, Vandalland, and possibly Weltai to invade Motteburh and violently overthrow its nobility or for a peasant revolt to wipe them out...I will defer to the wisdom of the gods and go with whatever plan you suggest, Eingana."

    A sense of determination welled up in my heart.

    "However, I do not want the horrors of the French Revolution to repeat in Motteburh. I do not want this world to go through a reign of terror. The moment I was reborn as a noble, I knew I would have to get my hands dirty someday. And if I have to do a small evil today to prevent a worse evil in the future, then that''s the best I can hope for as a noble."

    Then, a moment of silence passed. Tension built up in my body. I wished I could see the gods'' faces. It would at least give me some idea of what they were thinking. As it was, I had no idea what they thought of my plan.

    Would they like it? Would they hate it? Even my patron god hadn''t heard the whole thing before today.

    Just as my body started sweating heavily, Eingana''s voice came into my head.

    "War is a dirty business, and your planned economic war would do less harm than a full war. You are quite clever, human," she said. "I will assist in your plan. Tell me, what do you need me to do?"

 Chapter 64: Back in Blitzburg

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 Chapter 65: Another Merchant Meeting

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 Chapter 66: A Royal Misunderstanding

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 Chapter 67: Discussing Matters of Motteburh

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 Unfortunate Delays

    Unfortunately, there will not be a new chapter this week. What happened is simple: I got sick with a bad stomach bug, and I was not up to writing or doing much of anything. For those who are active on the forums and read my stories and whom I read the stories of and read my stories, this is why I haven''t been active there or reading all that much. I am hopefully over the sickness now. I will still be taking things easy for the next few days, but I should have a new chapter up next week as usual.Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

    I apologize for the delay.