《The Gnome Barbarian》 1. Nanoc vs the lambs Nanoc vs the lambs On the very edge of the multiverse, out where the lines between physics and magic were drawn with an unsteady hand, lay a universe like no other. At its center floated the seven layers of heaven Above where the gods gathered to play their endless games and the world Below which served as their board with its six great continents and countless islands that swirled across the seven seas. (There had originally been seven continents until Chaos, first born of the gods, had sneezed so loudly that she¡¯d shattered a whole continent into a thousand islands. She¡¯d never apologize, either, which was just classic Chaos.) The mortals who lived on the world Below served as both pieces and prizes in the god¡¯s games, living and dying for immortal entertainment. There was much to be won in the games: power and boasting rights for the gods, a better afterlife for the mortals who served them. Order, second born of the pantheon and god of ice and organization, was a particularly skillful and dedicated player. His Static Empire had grown to cover four of the seven continents and half of the islands. So dominant was Order in the games that the other gods and goddesses no longer challenged him directly, preferring to compete amongst themselves for a distant second prize. As a result, the games had become dull and the gods had stopped taking an interest in the lives of their mortal followers. That was all about to change: In a forest on the fringe of the Empire, out where monsters still roamed, a new player had recently entered the game, a mortal who threatened to overthrow the ascendancy of Order and change the very nature of the universe¡­ if he survived. Out of the forest strode Nanoc, the only gnome barbarian in the universe, smashing away the last of the undergrowth with his club. He was short ¨C all gnomes are ¨C but his frame was surprisingly muscular for a gnome, who were generally as skinny as rakes. Gnomes were also a glum race, for the most part, but Nanoc wore a broad smile on his face. As was traditional for his class, Nanoc only wore a ragged loin cloth and a leather belt strung around his chest. The belt had two sheaths for daggers. The first held a knife. There was nothing special about this knife. It was short and reasonably sharp. The tip was broken. The second sheath held a banana. The banana was special. The banana was dangerous. Nanoc smashed the last sapling at the edge of the forest with his club, more to make a point than because the tree was in his way. Nanoc¡¯s club was a thick wooden leg that ended in a steel-capped boot, and it had done surprisingly well at clearing a path through the forest. Traipsing behind the gnome was an elf in a dirty robe and a lizardling wearing leather armor and a look of mild despair. The trio stood with their backs to the dark forest and looked out onto rolling plains broken only by the occasional hill. This was farming country, and the land was cut into neat squares of wheat and grass. It did not look like a dangerous place. ¡°And you say that someone around here needs our help?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°That¡¯s what my map tells me, yes,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc the lizardling said, staring at her magical map. ¡°There¡¯s a request for heroes coming from here somewhere, but it¡¯s hard to pin down. This is a cheap map, you know. The Guild wouldn¡¯t give me anything better.¡± ¡°Because they knew you wouldn¡¯t give it back?¡± Nonac suggested. ¡°I would have!¡± Rotcel ¡®Lec protested. ¡°I mean¡­ if they kept asking for it.¡± She wouldn¡¯t have. Rotecl ¡®Lec was a Treasure Hunter by class. While Treasure Hunters always insisted that their class was entirely unlike that of Thieves, the more truthful of them would admit that, yes, sometimes, the treasure they went after belonged to people who had no intention of sharing it. The Guild of Heroes liked Treasure Hunters, so long as they worked for the Guild. Nanoc didn¡¯t have a problem with them, either. He didn¡¯t have anything worth stealing. Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings. ¡°Do you know, this land is considered the very fringe of the Static Empire, and the Guild of Heroes tends not to answer any calls here,¡± said Dren, the third member of their team. ¡°I have a whole book about the geography of the region somewhere in here¡­¡± Dren wore a dirty traveler''s robe and had a large bag filled with books slung over his shoulder. He placed the bag on the ground and began searching through it. Dren was a Field Scholar by class. He was a servant of the god of Knowledge, eighth born of the first generation of gods. Knowledge had been tasked with teaching mortals all they needed to know to succeed in the world, and his followers were teachers and scholars, avid collectors of facts. All that was known in the world was theirs to share, and they did so generously. This was not always as helpful as it might seem. When faced with a house on fire, a follower of Knowledge was more likely to give a lecture on the origin of flames than look for a bucket of water. ¡°I can only see one farmhouse out here,¡± Rotecl ¡®Lec said while Dren searched his books. ¡°I bet they¡¯re the ones who need help.¡± They walked towards the farmhouse, breathing in the smell of manure and fresh bread that was typical of rural life. There was no sign of the farmer or their family in the fields or barns. Rows of corn waved in the breeze, flocks of goats huddled together in grassy fields, and purple slime cows had formed a ring beside a large pond of brown water. The animals moo¡¯ed and grunted quietly, growing skittish as the trio walked by. ¡°I could eat a slime cow whole,¡± Nanoc muttered. ¡°Even the horns.¡± ¡°Did you know, the horns are traditionally used to make toothbrush handles?¡± Dren said helpfully. ¡°I don¡¯t think you should eat them, although it would be interesting to try.¡± Nanoc¡¯s stomach grumbled so loudly that it echoed off a nearby barn, startling a bird into flight. Its squark of terror was the loudest sound they had heard on the farm. ¡°Where is everyone?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked nervously. ¡°It¡¯s too quiet out here.¡± The lizardling¡¯s class was perception-based, and she was sensitive to her environment. She noticed how nervous the goats were and how the slime cows had their horns facing outward, in a defensive ring. She had visited a great many farms on her missions as a lowly-ranked member of the Guild of Heroes, and each time she had been greeted by at least a guard dog or the walking corpse of a zombie farmer. This time there was nothing, not even a chicken. It was concerning. ¡°We should sneak around a bit,¡± she suggested. ¡°To see¡ª¡± Nanoc¡¯s stomach grumbled so loudly that it made Rotcel ¡®Loc jump. She glared at the gnome, who just shrugged. It had been days since they¡¯d had a proper meal. Nanoc was in no mood for stealth. ¡°Hello! We¡¯re from the Guild of Heroes,¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°Well, that¡¯s not entirely accurate¡ª¡± Dren said, sounding worried. Knowledge was the god of truth, after all. ¡°We are registered with the Guild as heroes,¡± Nanoc corrected himself. ¡°For now,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said sourly. ¡°But they¡¯ll never¡ª" Nanoc was distracted by a basket of strawberries abandoned beside the path. He jumped on them, taking a handful and throwing them into his mouth, barely chewing them. He offered the basket to Dren and Rotcel, who eagerly ate them. ¡°I love strawberries,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°They are my favorite berry of all.¡± ¡°Did you know, strawberries are not technically berries,¡± Dren said. ¡°What? But it¡¯s in the name!¡± Nanoc protested. ¡°The common name, yes. But biologically speaking, it¡¯s an aggregate fruit. The seeds are on the outside, you see. It¡¯s not a berry.¡± Like all advocates of Knowledge, Dren loved to share interesting facts with his fellow mortals. This often made people very angry. ¡°Then what¡¯s with the name?¡± Nanoc demanded. ¡°It doesn¡¯t taste like straw and it¡¯s not a berry? I¡¯ve been living a lie!¡± ¡°I prefer raspberries, anyway,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, throwing a strawberry in the air and skewering it with a knife. ¡°Raspberries, too, are not true berries.¡± ¡°What? No!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, dropping her prize. ¡°What about blueberries, then?¡± ¡°They are berries, yes. The technical description depends on how the fruit is produced, you see, so some things not widely considered to be berries do qualify. Cucumbers, for example¡ª¡± ¡°Cucumbers are a berry?¡± Nanoc shouted in outrage. He hated cucumbers. ¡°By the technical description, yes. Did you know¡ª" ¡°No!¡± Nonac said, his face turning red. ¡°How can a strawberry not be berry, but a cucumber is? This isn¡¯t right, Dren, not at all.¡± ¡°Do you know, while I hear your passion, the details of these plants have been well noted in many botanical textbooks.¡± ¡°But my nan told me¡ª¡± There wasn¡¯t time to learn what Nanoc¡¯s nan thought. The grass beside them rustled, and Rotcel ¡®Loc drew a long knife from her belt. She was a professional hero, trained by the Guild, always alert to the risk of ambush. ¡°Quiet down!¡± she hissed. ¡°But the berries¡ª¡± Nanoc said loudly. ¡°There¡¯s something in the grass!¡± Rotcel snapped. ¡°Something big!¡± ¡°What?¡± Dren said, looking around everywhere except where the noise was coming from. ¡°I don¡¯t see anything - argh!¡± 2. The baaad guys 2. The baaad guys A two-headed ram burst from the grass beside Dren. The beast had purple tentacles bursting from its eye sockets, and it wrapped them around Dren¡¯s neck, strangling him. Rotcel was already moving, a knife in her hand. She cut through the tentacles as Nanoc slammed his club on the beast¡¯s head with a thwack between its eyes. The beast stumbled, then burst into a cloud of purple smoke which quickly dispersed. Rotcel ¡®Loc glanced around nervously but saw no other danger. ¡°How did that thing get so close before we saw it?¡± Nanoc asked, truly surprised. ¡°Do you know, it was clearly a magical beast, so perhaps it teleported in?¡± Dren suggested. ¡°Yes, I think that must be the case.¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc rolled her eyes so hard that they nearly flew out of her head. A herd of elephants playing bagpipes could have snuck up on Nanoc and Dren. Rotcel had served with many heroes during her years with the Guild, but she had never met a pair with such a tendency to get distracted. Nanoc and Dren were going to get themselves killed, and worse still, they might take her with them. ¡°I think I¡¯ll just go on ahead alone,¡± the lizardling suggested. ¡°I¡ª¡± A trio of possessed sheep burst from the long grasses. All three had purple tentacles growing from their bodies and mad red eyes. They raised themselves up on their back legs, waving their front hoofs wildly. Their leader was a ram with several sets of horns growing out of his head and body. The possessed sheep smelt like magic and wet manure. They let out a chorus of baaas and charged Nanoc and his friends. Rotcel ¡®Loc stepped back behind Nanoc, drawing a small throwing knife in each of her hands. ¡°Leave them to me!¡± Nanoc shouted. He pointed at the ram and used his trip hazard skill, shooting banana peels from his fingers. The ram stood on one of the magical peels and its hoof slipped sideways, sending the whole beast flying through the air to land with a thump. The other two sheep charged at Nanoc but they were too clumsy and he and Rotcel ¡®Loc easily stepped aside to let them stumble pass. The sheep turned back, grunting in annoyance. The ram was getting back to its feet, murder in its eyes. Steam was rising from its nostrils and specks of blood were oozing down its face. Nanoc now had enemies both in front and behind him. ¡°I¡¯ll take the big one first!¡± Nanoc shouted, charging at the ram. ¡°You two just keep the others busy!¡± The little gnome threw himself in the air and activated his incredible strength skill, using his shoulder to strike the far larger ram. The ram stumbled back, shaken by the ferocity of the gnome¡¯s attack. Nobody expected a gnome to hit so hard¡­ or at all. ¡°Baa-baa?¡± the ram asked, its red eyes crossing in pain and confusion. ¡°Baaaa-d sheep,¡± Nanoc agreed. He swung the boot of his club right into the beast¡¯s gaping mouth. The ram roared and lashed out with a front hoof which caught Nanoc on the shoulder. The gnome spun with the blow, but it had only been a glancing hit. He raised his club again, smiled, and threw himself at the ram. The beast cuffed the gnome across the face, and Nanoc returned the favor with a kick to the creature¡¯s leg. Behind the gnome, Rotcel ¡®Loc and Dren were facing the other two possessed sheep. The creatures were both smaller and slower than the ram that led them, but they were still dangerous. Rotcel ¡®Loc darted at them, stabbing and retreating before they could react. She was struggling to cut through the sheep¡¯s thick wool, and she didn¡¯t want to get too close to the beasts lest they got close enough to tackle her to the ground, where their weight would win the fight. They fought back and forth in this way, the lizardling stabbing, the sheep punching and charging far too slowly to be any danger. Dren stood off to one side, watching the fight with great interest. ¡°Dren! Help me!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shouted. ¡°What? Yes, of course, let me just take a few notes¡ª¡± One of the sheep, which was far smarter than the rest of its herd, realized that Dren was an easy target. It stepped towards the scholar, deciding he would be a far easier target than the nimble lizardling, and licked its lips in anticipation of a meal. ¡°Watch out, Dren!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc warned. ¡°These beasts are fascinating, you know,¡± Dren said, writing a note in his book. ¡°If they are now carnivores, as they appear to be, then surely¡ª" Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings. ¡°DREN!¡± The elf looked up from his notebook as if only just realizing that they were under attack. The possessed sheep locked its eyes onto his, and snickered. ¡°Oh, right,¡± Dren said. ¡°It seems some kind of defensive magic is called for, then. Let me check my book of spells to see what would be most appropriate for this situation, let me use¡­ no, not that. Wait, wait¡ª¡± Dren was backing up, flicking through a book of spells as the possessed sheep approached. Each page was covered in his small, neat writing with only the occasional diagram to give any white space. His fingers searched through the pages quickly, looking for the perfect spell. The sheep charged forward as Dren finally made his choice. ¡°LLihpu¡¯s Antigravity!¡± Dren muttered, pointing at the sheep. The sheep was pulled upwards into the sky with a distressed baaaa. Within seconds it was only a tiny black speck in the sky, and then it was nothing at all. Rotcel ¡®Loc used the distraction of the flying sheep to get behind her own enemy and cut right through its neck. The sheep collapsed and its body melted into purple smoke. Rotcel and Dren turned to where Nanoc was still fighting the possessed ram. ¡°Should we help?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked. ¡°No, let him have his fun. You know how he gets if he hasn¡¯t fought anything in a while.¡± ¡°Yeah. Grumpy.¡± ¡°Grumpy,¡± Dren agreed. They watched as the tiny gnome smashed his club into the side of the far larger ram, almost knocking it over. The ram lowered its head and charged the gnome, but Nanoc simply stepped aside with a laugh. ¡°Come on, you can baaaa-rely even hit me,¡± Nanoc taunted the beast. His taunt skill was new, but it worked well enough. The ram charged at Nanoc again, but this time the gnome charged right back, jumping into the air and hitting the ram right between its horns. The ram fell onto its back, defeated. Nanoc put a foot on its neck and placed his club against its head as if about to play golf. ¡°You will DIEEEE!¡± the ram hissed at him. ¡°You will DIEEEE!¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± Nanoc agreed. ¡°But not because of you.¡± He slammed the boot of his club into the creature¡¯s head with a dramatic thunk. The evil creature¡¯s body turned purple and melted into a puddle, releasing a ghostly apparition that screamed ¡®YOU WILL DIEEEE!¡¯ as it faded away. The trio of adventurers stared at the puddle; they¡¯d killed a lot of monsters, but none of them had ever liquified before. Nanoc frowned, his forehead crinkling in deep thought. ¡°What about mulberries, Dren?¡± ¡°Not berries. Watermelon, on the other hand¡ª¡± ¡°No! But they¡¯re huge!¡± ¡°Did you know, form matters more to classification than size? All melons are considered berries, as are squashes.¡± ¡°Squashes are berries?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, shaking her head. ¡°You¡¯re just full of useless information, Dren.¡± ¡°Thanks,¡± Dren said, smiling sincerely. Behind him, the sheep that Dren had shot into the sky fell like a bomb, hitting the ground with a splat. Not even Nanoc suggested eating what was left, although the pain in his stomach was starting to get to him. ¡°Did you get hurt, Nanoc?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked. ¡°Ah¡­ barely a scratch,¡± Nanoc said, as blood dripped out his left ear. ¡°Well¡­ check your health, anyway.¡± Nanoc shrugged, but closed his eyes and took a deep breath, holding it in until his soul sheet appeared before his eyes to reveal his class and level. Mortal levels and classes were governed by a complex system designed by Artefact, fourteenth-born of the first generation, god of mechanisms and unnecessary complication. The system had been voted in at the start of the Age of Legends with an unusual level of support from the pantheon, for the gods like the games to be fair, or at least only unfair in a way that benefited themselves.
NANOC THE GNOME Health: 12/16 BARBARIAN| Level 7 Skills: Hand-to-hand combat, drinking, shouting, singing badly, identify enemy, makeshift weaponry, looking great when sweaty, good with knives, taunt. Abilities: Berserk! (2 uses per day), incredible strength (5 uses per day), retribution (2 uses per day), trip hazard (every hour) CLERK| Level 9 Skills: Paperwork, filing, taking notes, counting, boring stuff. Abilities: Speed reading (50 per day), finding folders (10 per day), avoiding the blame (1 per day) ATTRIBUTES: Currently hidden QUESTS: Find the lost pieces of the goddess Chaos or DIE TRYING!
¡°Hey! You three!¡± Nanoc¡¯s reading was interrupted by a yell from the farmhouse¡¯s front door, which had opened a crack. An old farmer stuck his head out. ¡°Are you here about the lamb?¡± the farmer demanded. ¡°I hope so,¡± Nanoc said, ¡°I¡¯m famished. Those strawberries barely touched my sides.¡± ¡°No!¡± the farmer said, annoyed. ¡°Not to eat it, to battle it, to defeat the beastly thing! Are there only three of you? Did you at least bring heavy armor?¡± Nanoc frowned. He¡¯d grown up in a city, but even he knew that lambs were not normally dangerous. The farmer sighed and opened the door. ¡°You¡¯d better come in, then,¡± he said. ¡°We¡¯ve got a real problem.¡± 3. Laugh and play 3. Laugh and play Nanoc and his friends sat on one side of a broad kitchen table while the farmer sat on the other. The farmer¡¯s daughter hovered uneasily beside him as if ready to run. The farmer was a big man with a red face and tired eyes, a real man of the land, but his daughter, Mary, was a teenager dressed in black, with silver skull jewelry pinned across her arms. She wore dark eyeshadow, too, and was so pale that Nanoc had almost staked her through the heart right away, but she wasn¡¯t a vampire, just a goth. She did not look like she belonged on the farm, or even outdoors. Despite their differences in appearance, the farmer placed a comforting hand on his daughter¡¯s arm and looked at her with affection. ¡°We really hope you can help us,¡± he said. ¡°No one else will come.¡± ¡°We can help,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°We might¡­ for a price,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc corrected him. Mary placed a dozen slices of bread on the table and the three heroes reached for them. The bread was stale, but nobody complained. The farmer stood and walked to the larder, returning with several shriveled apples which he shared around. Nanoc nodded in approval. ¡°Tell us everything,¡± Dren said, opening one of his little notebooks. The farmer took a deep breath, sighed, and began their story. ¡°Mary had a little lamb,¡± the farmer explained. ¡°A little lamb?¡± Nanoc asked, surprised. ¡°Yes, Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went¡ª¡± ¡°Mary went,¡± Dren said, scribbling in one of his many notebooks. ¡°Mary¡­ went.¡± ¡°And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.¡± ¡°Everywhere,¡± Mary repeated grimly. ¡°Everywhere.¡± ¡°It followed her to school one day.¡± ¡°School one day?¡± ¡°School one day,¡± Mary said.¡± ¡°Yes, it followed her to school one day which was against the rules,¡± the farmer continued. ¡°Forget the rules,¡± Mary said. ¡°Tell them what happened next.¡± ¡°It made the children laugh and play,¡± the farmer said as Mary stared down at the table, caught in the terrible memory of that day. ¡°It shouted at us,¡± Mary whispered. ¡°It screamed ¡®Laugh!¡¯ and ¡®Play!¡¯ and used magic to control us as if we were puppets. Have you ever seen teenagers laughing and playing? It isn¡¯t pretty.¡± ¡°And so the teacher turned it out,¡± the farmer said. ¡°Turned it out,¡± Dren said as he made a few notes. ¡°Turned it out, yes. And so the teacher turned it out, but it still it lingers near.¡± ¡°We don¡¯t dare leave the farmhouse,¡± Mary said. ¡°We hear it all the time, roaring through the fields and barns, looking for creatures to bully into entertaining it. It lit a fire in one of the barns when the rats there wouldn¡¯t dance for it. That was a week ago. Since then, it''s been turning the other sheep into those things that attacked you.¡± Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. Dren considered this. This was all a bit odd, even by the somewhat flexible standards of Above and Below, but he was sure there was an explanation. Perhaps a god had blessed the lamb, or cursed it, or some mage had cast a dark enchantment on it. Perhaps it was a summoning gone wrong, a ghost, a possessed, a magical calamity, or maybe just prank played by a god with a strange sense of humor. Such things happened all the time. That¡¯s why the Guild of Heroes had been created. Well, that and ransacking dungeons for treasure. ¡°Everyone in the nearby village is too scared to help us,¡± the farmer said sadly. ¡°So we wrote to the guild, but we got no answer until you showed up. You¡¯re¡­ you¡¯re really with the guild, right?¡± Nanoc grabbed another slice of bread with one hand and dug around in his pocket until he found a piece of paper with the title ¡®Provisional-rank Hero¡¯s license¡¯ and the name ¡®Nanoc the gnome¡¯ written neatly beneath it. The farmer¡¯s face fell at the sight of the gnome¡¯s low rank. ¡°I hold a journey-ranked license,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said quickly, pulling out a silver plaque and flashing it. The farmer raised his head slightly at this good news, then shook his head. ¡°It will take more than that,¡± he said. ¡°The lamb ate a cow whole last night.¡± ¡°I could eat a whole cow,¡± Nanoc muttered. ¡°No, I mean a whole cow in one bite,¡± Mary said. ¡°Do you really¡ª" Nanoc was too busy eating to listen to any more of the conversation. His meal was interrupted by a burning feeling in the dagger sheath at his side. The magical banana he carried was so hot that it stung his fingertips as he brushed them across its skin. As soon as he touched it, it made a new demand.
New quest! Destroy Mary¡¯s evil lamb or DIE TRYING! Failure to attempt this quest will lead to the loss of your class and levels¡­ Reward: Reach the next level of your class.
¡°Don¡¯t threaten me,¡± Nanoc said, glaring at the banana. Then he paused. ¡°I was going to do it anyway.¡± He glanced at his friends. Rotcel ¡®Loc was shaking his head, and Dren did not look overly eager to go after a cow-eating monster. ¡°We¡¯ll need to discuss this,¡± Nanoc said to the farmer. ¡°Give us a minute, please.¡± He gestured to his friends to join him on the other side of the kitchen, and they put their heads together. ¡°They¡¯re describing a possessed monster of some sort,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc whispered to Nanoc and Dren. ¡°It must be huge if it ate a cow, the kind of monster that takes a high-level party to defeat. We should run.¡± ¡°Do you know, the lizardling is right,¡± Dren agreed. ¡°This beast is beyond our ability to beat.¡± Nanoc shook his head. He was going to fight the beast, that much was clear, but he didn¡¯t want to do it alone. How could he convince the others to join him? ¡°What else can you tell me about this beast?¡± he asked Mary. ¡°Did it have any treasure on it?¡± ¡°It had a purple crown on its head,¡± she replied. ¡°I don¡¯t know where that came from, but¡ª" ¡°A crown?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc interrupted her. ¡°A¡­ crown, you say?¡± ¡°A crown,¡± Nanoc repeated, nodding. ¡°A possessed sheep with a crown. That sounds interesting, doesn¡¯t it, Dren? Perhaps even unique. It¡¯s certainly something other people will want to know about.¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc raised a hand as if to protest, but Nanoc mimed putting a crown on his head. The lizardling slowly dropped her hand. Dren was even easier. ¡°Do you know, that does sound interesting,¡± Dren said. ¡°I¡¯m sure I saw some mention of a possessed goat in one of these books¡ª¡± Nanoc turned to the farmer and Mary. ¡°We¡¯ll do it,¡± he said. ¡° ¡°We¡¯ll need to charge a high fee for coming all the way out here,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said quickly. ¡°Will we?¡± Dren asked, confused. ¡°Why? We were just passing by, after all.¡± ¡°We are poor folk,¡± the farmer said sadly. ¡°But whatever we have is yours.¡± ¡°We shall do it for food and glory!¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°Do not worry, for we shall slay this foul lamb and return victorious!¡± His speech would have been a lot more inspiring coming from someone over five feet tall. His barbarian class was strength-based, and he was a gnome. Spindly. Short. More skin than muscle. Gnomes were known to be good with a pen, but a sword? No, that was madness. The farmer shot Nanoc a worried glance, wondering if the gnome was really mad. Did it matter? Maybe a little insanity was precisely what was needed. ¡°Are you sure you can do this?¡± Mary asked skeptically. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, Nanoc is actually quite good at this,¡± Dren told her. ¡°I think there¡¯s a reasonable chance he might not die. Did you know if there was any more of that bread?¡± 4. Farmyard rumble 4. Farmyard rumble Mary¡¯s evil lamb had taken up residence in a row of large barns on the edge of the farm. Nanoc and his friends set off on foot, crossing fields and walking through orchards. ¡°There are more of the evil sheep out there,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°I can hear them. Look out!¡± A dozen possessed sheep burst out from the grass with a chorus of baas. This time Nanoc was expecting them and made short work of the beasts with his club. Dren was ready, too, in his own way. ¡°Fascinating,¡± he said, sidestepping a headless sheep with three hooves on each leg. ¡°These are rather crude magical manifestations, you see, barely powerful enough to¡ª ¡° One of the sheep slammed into his back, knocking him over. He cursed as he dropped his pen. Nanoc was immediately beside him, smacking away the sheep as they burst from the field. There were too many of them ¨C the little gnome was already sweating from knocking them all down. ¡°What about blackberries?¡± he shouted out. ¡°Are they berries?¡± ¡°Do you know, they aren¡¯t.¡± The gnome screamed in annoyance, smashing through a dozen more possessed sheep until they were all gone. He kicked the ground a few times, still angry. ¡°Here come more!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shouted, and a second wave of sheep surged towards them. Nanoc stomped and clubbed, Rotcel stabbed, and Dren cast lightning and fireballs until his voice grew hoarse, but the possessed sheep kept coming. The sheep formed a wall of magical flesh, the sheer bulk of their bodies forcing Nanoc and his friends towards a nearby barn. The barn was a long building that had once sheltered sheep and other animals. Its humble wooden walls had turned dark and purple, and long white tendrils hung from the roof, waving in the air although there was no wind. The barn¡¯s doors looked like a mouth set with a ring of iron stalactite teeth. It looked hungry. Rotcel ¡®Loc shuddered. ¡°I know I grew up in a city and all, and farms are new territory for me,¡± Nanoc said, ¡±but do farm barns typically look this¡­ mean?¡± ¡°Do you know, barns are seldom mentioned in books,¡± Dren replied apologetically, blasting a possessed sheep with lightning. ¡°So I cannot provide any further information on whether they normally have purple tentacles extending from the roof. I shall be glad to note it, however, that others might learn from our experiences. If we survive, that is.¡± Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation. Once the three heroes were pushed up against the barn, the wall of possessed sheep stopped moving towards them. ¡°They want us to go inside,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, shivering in fear. ¡°They¡¯re forcing us to.¡± ¡°Nah,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°I won¡¯t do something just because a sheep wants me to. This is a problem, and the best solution is to kill everything. Lamb chops!¡± The short barbarian charged at the wall of possessed sheep, initiating his powerful berserk skill to double his strength and speed. Sheep went flying through the air as he kicked, punched, and headbutted his way through their ranks. ¡°He thinks killing everything is the solution to every problem,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, shaking her reptilian head. ¡°But it didn¡¯t work when we were caught in the storm, and it isn¡¯t going to work now, either.¡± ¡°Those poor raindrops,¡± Dren agreed. ¡°They didn¡¯t deserve to be punched like that.¡± Nanoc¡¯s charge was losing power. Every sheep he struck down was replaced with two more, and the sheer mass of their bodies pushed him back towards the barn until he stood beside his friends again, facing the wall of possessed livestock. ¡°Do you know, it doesn¡¯t matter how many you kill, Mary¡¯s lamb will just summon more,¡± Dren explained helpfully. ¡°The only way to get rid of them is to defeat the lamb behind all this, which means going inside the barn.¡± ¡°Right,¡± Nanoc panted. ¡°And did you know that the whole time I was fighting?¡± ¡°Of course!¡± Dren replied cheerfully. ¡°You could have said.¡± ¡°You wouldn¡¯t have listened.¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shook her head. ¡°This barn is an evil place,¡± she said. ¡°A monster lives here, something far worse than anything I¡¯ve faced. We don¡¯t want to go in.¡± Her warning was dutifully noted by Dren and wholly ignored by Nanoc, who was already trying to open the barn doors. A loud noise that was half baaa and half scream cut him off. It was followed by a deep and disconcerting burst of laughter that made the spines on Rotcel ¡®Loc¡¯s back stand up. Even Nanoc froze for a moment. But only for a moment. ¡°That sounded like our possessed lamb,¡± he said. ¡°Let¡¯s go kill it so we can get back to sorting the berry situation out.¡± He rapped on the barn doors with his club. ¡°Knock knock! Who¡¯s there? An angry gnome!¡± The doors swung open to let him walk inside, slamming behind him. ¡°An angry gnome who what?¡± Dren shouted at the door. ¡°Nanoc, an angry gnome who what? I have to know!¡± There was a snarl from inside and a thump. Something screamed; a gnome-sized object banged into the wall. Dren put his notebook away and drew a wooden wand from his pocket. Despite what people thought, he knew when action was needed. He forced the door open. ¡°Nanoc, finish the joke before you die!¡± he shouted as he followed the gnome inside. ¡°You have to finish the knock-knock joke! I need it for my notes!¡± This left Rotcel ¡®Loc standing outside, alone, facing the wall of possessed sheep. She wasn¡¯t too worried: this wasn¡¯t the worst position she¡¯d ever escaped from. She was fast, she was tough, and she was quite willing to abandon her party if need be. Except¡­ she couldn¡¯t leave, not yet. ¡¯I¡¯ll let you do this bit, then,¡± she shouted into the barn. ¡°Let me know if you need anything. Once you find the crown I¡¯ll just be¡ª" A purple tentacled shot out of the barn, wrapped itself around the lizardling, and dragged her into the monster¡¯s den. 5. The baaa-rn 5. The baaa-rn Stepping inside the barn was like being swallowed by a great beast: Nanoc and his friends were surrounded by walls of oozing, raw muscles that formed a maze within the barn. The ground was uneven and slippery with mucus. What little light there was came from purple and inconstant particles hovering in the air. Thin tendrils hung from the roof, twisting without wind to caress the trio¡¯s faces. The walls and floor shivered, flicking wet drops into the air. The trio of heroes huddled together in the darkness. ¡°I feel like we¡¯re in a stomach,¡± Nanoc muttered. His own stomach rumbled, but the others ignored him. ¡°We need to get out of here,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc moaned. ¡°This is a bad, bad place... it¡¯s a dungeon, I¡¯m sure of it! We need to leave!¡± The lizardling drew a glowing crystal from a pocket; the stone cast a bright white light wherever she pointed it. She immediately turned her attention to the barn doors, trying to open them. They were shut fast and overgrown with purple flesh. The doors would not open. ¡°Help me look for another way out!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc ordered. ¡°Leber¡¯s Reading-under-the blankets,¡± Dren said, and a bright orb of light appeared before him, lighting up the walls of skin. This was the first spell he had ever used, starting as a child. Dren¡¯s parents banned him from reading in the hope that he would instead turn to a more respectable hobby, like accounting, but young Dren had loved books. Dren had found Leber¡¯s spell scribbled in the margin of an old catalog of maps and had started using it immediately to read beneath his bed covers at night. The spell created a clear light that Dren used to help Rotcel ¡®Loc search the barn doors for a way out, the two heaving and pushing, cutting and casting spells with no effect. Nanoc watched them, a little upset that everyone else had brought a source of light and he had not thought to, but then smiled. Like Dren, Nanoc had also learned a handy ability as a child. ¡°Summon fire elemental!¡± he said, and a little flame burst from his fingertip and dropped onto the ground, where it danced around joyfully. The gnome placed the tip of his club on the flame and the elemental climbed onto it, forming a torch. Rotcel ¡®Loc and Dren stared at the flame in shock. ¡°A fire elemental? Those are totally illegal!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc snapped. ¡°Put it out!¡± ¡°Nobody¡¯s going to complain,¡± Nanoc replied. ¡°And besides, it''s tame.¡± He patted the fire elemental. The little spite danced playfully, then spat a blob of flames on the gnome¡¯s left foot. ¡°Ouch!¡± This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source. Nanoc should have expected it. Fire is the element of the goddess Chaos, fickle and ever-changing. It''s always worth remembering that the same flames that cook your dinner can burn your house down. ¡°Put it out! They¡¯re so very, very illegal!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc pleaded. ¡°If you thought we were in trouble before¡ª" ¡°Do you know, we¡¯re trapped in here,¡± Dren reminded them. ¡°I think the only way out is to kill Mary¡¯s possessed lamb.¡± ¡°What if we can¡¯t defeat it, though?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°Then we¡¯ll burn this place to the ground,¡± Nanoc said, the flames in his eyes mirroring the fire in his hand. ¡°And at least Mary will be free.¡± ¡°But we¡¯re inside,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc protested. ¡°We¡¯ll die!¡± ¡°Do you know, I¡¯m fairly sure we¡¯ll die anyway,¡± Dren said helpfully. ¡°We seem to be very outpowered.¡± He was right, yet there was nothing they could do except step deeper into the maze of quivering skin walls. Nanoc was about to take the lead when Rotcel ¡®Loc pushed in front of him. ¡°I¡¯m the scout,¡± she said. ¡°I¡¯d better go first to keep a lookout for traps.¡± ¡°Or treasure?¡± Nanoc suggested. ¡°Or treasure. Come along.¡± The barn was only an entrance; the maze led inward, downward, away from the sunlight and into the cold earth. The tunnels twisted and turned like the intestines of some demented beast, but Rotcel ¡®Loc had been trained by master scouts who thought nothing of navigating through great labyrinths and dungeons in search of shiny, shiny treasure. ¡°You¡¯d better be quick,¡± Nanoc said, stomach rumbling. ¡°I¡¯m beginning to hate this place.¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc ignored him. Scouting for traps was slow, dangerous work. Only a fool would try to push past her, and nobody tried it twice. She activated her detect trap skill. ¡°I sense¡­ hunger,¡± the lizardling said, sniffing the air. ¡°Bone and tendon, blood and talon. This place is expecting us. There!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc jumped backward, banging into Nanoc. ¡°Hey!¡± the gnome protested. ¡°Be a little more¡ª" A dozen sharp bones slashed through the walls where Rotcel ¡®Loc had been standing a moment before, cutting up the air without hurting anyone. The bones retreated back into the walls, disappointed. Rotcel ¡®Loc bent down and poked the ground with a knife. There was a sharp snap as her disarm trap skill was successful. ¡°Too easy,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, smiling. The maze was filled with intersecting corridors, but Rotcel ¡®Loc walked through them confidently. She stepped to one side as a massive loop of oily woolen rope dropped to the corridor, constricting as if to strangle her. The rope twitched and spun, trying to find a victim, but Rotcel ¡®Loc stepped forward and cut through it until it lay motionless on the ground. ¡°Predictable,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc announced. ¡°This place has weak traps.¡± ¡°Unless that is a trap in itself,¡± Dren said, making a strangling motion with his hands. ¡°Several easy traps to make you overconfident, then woop and they get you.¡± ¡°True,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc agreed. ¡°But that sounds like a lot more intelligence than I would expect from a possessed sheep. Now¡ª¡± A ghostly lamb materialized in front of her and rushed forward. Rotcel ¡®Loc sidestepped the beast, which slammed into Nanoc, sending the gnome flying. Gnome and ghost wrestled for a moment before Dren hit the apparition with a burst of lightning and it faded away. ¡°What about that one, then?¡± the gnome asked as Dren helped him up. ¡°Why didn¡¯t you see that coming?¡± ¡°That wasn¡¯t a trap but rather a beast of some kind!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc protested. ¡°But, hey, look, we¡¯ve reached the end of the corridor!¡± The corridor ended in a wooden door set at a slanted angle. Purple light leaked around the doorframe and spilled into the corridor. It looked unholy, but at least it was the end of the maze. ¡°Do you know, Rotcel, you are quite a good scout,¡± Dren said, slightly surprised. ¡°I thought we were going to die in the maze, but now I think we will die fighting whatever¡¯s in the next room! Well done, everyone!¡± 6. No little lamb 6. No little lamb Nanoc forced the final doors open, and the trio pushed through into the dank heart of the maze. It was as if the barn had been half-eaten by a cave: straw bales were piled up on one side of the walls beneath a row of dripping stalactites. A rusty pitchfork lay in a puddle of purple goo, and a pair of handle-less buckets, had been left in the center of the barn. Possessed sheep lined the walls, silent but glaring. Rotcel ¡®Loc jumped when she saw them, but Dren stopped her from throwing one of her knives at them. ¡°They¡¯re waiting,¡± Dren whispered. ¡°For an order from their master, I think. There, at the end of the barn. It waits for us.¡± ¡°I¡­. wait¡­ I¡­ WAIT!¡±. The words started as a whisper but quickly became a scream. ¡°I¡­ HUNGER!¡± There in the darkness hovered Mary¡¯s lamb, upright as if human, none of its four feet touching the ground. Its eyes glowed purple, and its smile was more shark than sheep. It wore a ring of twisted barbed wire on its head, wound so tight that it cut into the lamb¡¯s flesh and drew blood. ¡°A magical crown,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc mumbled, staring at it eagerly. ¡°Do you know, I¡¯ve read about this. That hat¡ª¡± ¡°Crown!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc snapped. ¡°¡ªis no doubt boosting the beast¡¯s power. If we can remove the hat¡ª¡± ¡°Crown!¡± ¡°¡ªwe would no doubt greatly reduce the beast¡¯s power,¡± Dren said, oblivious to Rotcel¡¯s interruptions. ¡°Right,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Get the crown, then fight the beast. That should be easy enough.¡± As Nanoc stepped closer to the beast, the light from his flames revealed the lamb to be dangling from the end of an enormous tentacle that looped through the darkness and disappeared into the ground. ¡°Do you know, that reminds me of something,¡± Dren said, frowning at a memory from some half-forgotten illustration. ¡°Something important. What was it now? Why am I thinking of fish?¡± The floating lamb was waving gently from side to side in the air as it considered the trio. ¡°Dance¡­ FOR ME!¡± it demanded. ¡°Laugh! PLAY!¡± The words had great power: Nanoc felt his feet begin to move at the sheep¡¯s command, but Dren drew a glowing crystal from one of his many pockets and threw it onto the ground, where it shattered. ¡°A counter spell,¡± he whispered, and the tugging at Nanoc¡¯s feet subsided. ¡°Dance¡­ for ME!¡± the curse lamb shouted, unaware that it had lost the initiative. ¡°Closer! CLOSER! Why¡­ aren¡¯t you¡­ DANCING?¡± ¡°I can do a sort of jig if you like,¡± Nanoc offered. ¡°Like this, see?¡± The gnome moved his feet in a rhymeless shuffle that no race or culture in any universe would recognize as dancing. He hummed, too, which just made things worse. ¡°How can you¡­ what is¡­ STOP THAT! I said¡­ stop! That¡­ is not¡­ DANCING! Children¡­ show them¡­ what¡­ I NEED!¡± The possessed lambs waiting along the walls surged forward, but Dren had spent his time in the corridor reading a book of spells and doing a few calculations. He knew what he needed to do. He was ready for them. Almost. ¡°Dren?¡± Nanoc said, poking the Field Scholar. ¡°You said you had a spell for the minions, right?¡± ¡°What? Yes, but can¡¯t we just see what they will do first? I¡¯d like to take notes on¡ª¡± ¡°No!¡± Rotcel shouted. ¡°Do it right now!¡± A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation. ¡°Fine, fine. Tac¡¯s trans-moggie-fy!!¡± The nearest devil sheep shrank down, hoofs and horns replaced with furry ears and paws. Within a moment, the sheep had become a small ginger cat, which gave a stunned yowl and dashed away. ¡°And now we add¡­ Taeper¡¯s echo!¡± Dren shouted, pointing his pen at each sheep as it approached him. His trans-moggie-fy spell bounced from its first target to the next, hit the wall, rebounded, and shot like a pinball through the possessed sheep. Within moments the army of possessed sheep had been replaced with a pile of cats of every color. They growled and hissed at each other, all equally annoyed at having to share their space with other cats. Nanoc sneezed. ¡°You didn¡¯t warn us it would be cats!¡± he complained. ¡°Shoo! Shoo!¡± The cats raced off through the barn, leaving the trio of adventurers alone with Mary¡¯s possessed lamb. The beast growled in annoyance, grinding its teeth loudly. ¡°My¡­ pets. You took¡­ MY PETS! But this must mean¡­ EXCELLENT!¡± It¡¯s mood changed in an instant from angry to eager, and an enormous red tongue emerged from its mouth and licked its lips with a disturbing smoosh ¡°So my reputation¡­. has finally brought¡­ heroes to my¡­ LAIR!¡± ¡°We were just passing through, actually,¡± Dren explained. ¡°And we¡¯re not exactly¡ª¡± ¡°We¡¯re registered with the Guild,¡± Nanoc interrupted. ¡°But we can still be reasonable. Leave this place, leave Mary. You can go in peace, or you can stay in pieces. Your choice.¡± ¡°To be threatened¡­ by¡­ A GNOME! How¡­ weak. I will¡­ eat¡­ your SKULL!¡± ¡°Yeah, I figured you¡¯d say that,¡± Nanoc said with a grin. ¡°Now let¡¯s see if we can¡¯t get that hat off you!¡± ¡°Crown! It¡¯s a crown!¡± Rotcel yelled. Nanoc raised his club and charged the floating sheep, which did not try to move away. The gnome was about to reach it when Dren shouted out a warning. ¡°I remember what it reminds me of! Deep sea fish! The lamb is a lure!¡± Dren said. ¡°The real beast is below it! Watch out!¡± He was just in time ¨C Nanoc managed to stop his charge a second before a vast mouth burst up from the barn, scattering boards and dust as it reached upward to enclose the lamb in a cage of fierce white teeth. Nanoc fell backward as the true body of Mary¡¯s lamb pulled itself up from its hiding place in the ground. It had dozens of tiny eyes set deeply in its malformed skull, and from its skin sprouted a forest of translucent spines. The creature gnashed its teeth, expecting a meal, then roared in frustration when it found nothing in its mouth. It dragged the rest of its body out the hole with a hundred short legs that ended in hooves and looked around for its enemy. ¡°Where¡­ are¡­ YOU!¡± The barn shuddered with the beast¡¯s anger. Nanoc and his friends dived behind a bale of hay, keeping their heads down as the beast stomped through the barn. ¡°What is that thing¡ª?¡± Dren asked, surprised. Nanoc¡¯s identify enemy skill kicked in:
Lamb-aggoth Wool and scale, horn and tooth! Before you stands a nightmare, a creation of Horror. This beast is the bane of the farmlands! Flee, mortal, for your end is nigh! Defeat this beast to complete your quest.
¡°Uh oh,¡± Nanoc said. Horror was the thirteenth born of the third generation of deities, the god of jump scares and melted faces. It ¨C for Horror was one of the few immortals that refused to take a mortal gender ¨C was generally considered to be one of the more unpleasant gods and was not welcome in the Static Empire. ¡°It¡¯s a creature of Horror,¡± Nanoc said to his friends. ¡°No wonder the traps were lame.¡± ¡°They were¡­ not¡­ LAME!¡± the monster protested, turning its head from side to side as it looked for the gnome. ¡°They¡­ were¡­ TERRIFYING!¡± It glared shortsightedly around the barn, trying to find the gnome or his friends, then wheezed loudly, blowing purple bubbles from its nose. It did not move quickly; it did not need to. There was no way to escape it. ¡°Why did it have to be a creature of Horror?¡± Rotcel moaned, hunkering down behind the hay. ¡°They always kill in such messy ways! I don¡¯t want to be melted or spiked!¡± ¡°Yes¡­ yes! Fear¡­ ME!¡± the monster agreed, its massive bulk edging toward the trio as it searched. Dren had pulled a little book from his bag and paged through it quickly. ¡°Hornbill.. hornet¡­ no, no, yes, here we go! Horror¡­ born of dark lineage and one filled with suffering for mortal kind. Sired by Cruelty, the tenth born of the second generation, who bore many offspring but only let one survive. Grandchild of Fear, the tenth born of the first generation. Horror¡¯s twin is Romance, of course, but¡ª¡± ¡°Come out¡­ come out¡­ LITTLE GNOME!¡± the lamb-aggoth said, turning at last towards the hay bale. ¡°Dance for me¡­ sing¡­ and I might let you live¡­ although you won¡¯t like it! AAHAHAHA!¡± The beast¡¯s words made the hairs on Nanoc¡¯s neck stand up; it sent cold shivers down his spine. The shivers met a fire of anger rising from his belly. Fear spawned Cruelty, Cruelty begat Horror, and Horror created nightmares to scare children, and Nanoc liked children. Horror was traps, mazes without exits, and corrupted lambs. Torment. Enforced dancing. Making teenagers laugh and play. Horror for the sake of entertainment. Nanoc disapproved. Nor was he alone in his dislike: the flame elemental on the end of Nanoc¡¯s club turned its glowing white eyes on the beast. The flame was a creature of Chaos, the ancient enemy of Horror. The goddess Chaos hated Horror but had quite liked Fear, god of pounding hearts and cold sweat, and considered him to be important to keeping mortal lives interesting. The Lamb-aggoth reared itself up, delivering a roar that shook the barn and fleshy walls. Rotcel ¡®Loc and Dren were momentarily cowered by the sound, but Nanoc stood as tall as any gnome ever had. He was four feet and three inches, and he knew what had to be done. ¡°This beast is unholy and unwanted,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°I say we put it out of its misery.¡± ¡°It doesn¡¯t look miserable,¡± Dren pointed out. ¡°It will be.¡± 7. Mary’s lamb-aggoth 7. Mary¡¯s lamb-aggoth The lamb-aggoth rose upwards, dwarfing the heroes. A dozen insectoid arms erupted from its neck, each ending in grasping hooks. The buzzing of a thousand flies filled the air. Any sane person would have been terrified ¨C Rotcel ¡®Loc was shaking in fear, and even Dren felt a growing sense of disquiet that he might arrive at the big library in the sky far too early. Nanoc did not feel scared ¨C there was no room in his little gnome heart for more than one emotion. ¡°You scared Mary!¡± he shouted at the beast. ¡°And you made her grandfather miserable! You¡¯ve been a baaaa-d sheep, haven¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t get it angry!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc pleaded. ¡°We just need to take the crown and run! Don¡¯t get it angry!¡± It was too late ¨C the mere mention of Mary drove the lamb-aggoth into a spasm, its body thrashing this way and that. Nanoc used the distraction to charge the beast, leaping up its body until he reached its head. ¡°It¡¯s time for¡­ a lamb chop!¡± Nanoc shouted, using his incredible strength ability to smash his club into the lamb-aggoth¡¯s head. He had expected a mighty blow capable of felling his enemy, but the club bounced off one of the bony plates that covered the lamb-aggoth¡¯s body.
Attack failed! Bludgeon attacks are very ineffective! Try something else!
Nanoc¡¯s attack hadn¡¯t hurt the beast at all, although it was entirely possible that his terrible pun might have. The lamb-aggoth slashed at Nanoc with one of its many legs, catching the gnome and flinging him headfirst against the barn wall. He bounced off and landed on his shoulder with a crunch. Nanoc stared at his club, amazed it had failed him. He dropped it to the ground and rolled away as a dozen of the lamb-aggoth¡¯s impossibly long arms reached for him. They chased him around the barn, swiping and grasping, but the little gnome was a tricky target. ¡°A little help would be nice,¡± he shouted as he ran past his friends, who were still cowering behind a bale of hay. ¡°Do something, Rotcel ¡®Loc!¡± ¡°But it doesn¡¯t even have pockets to pick!¡± the lizardling replied. ¡°Oh¡­ you mean like fighting? Then¡­ let¡¯s try this!¡± The lizardling drew a blowgun from a pouch and shot a set of darts at the lamb-aggoth with a series of piff putt poffs. Two of the darts bounced off the beast¡¯s armored skin, but a third hit one of the many eyes. ¡°OUCH!¡± the beast protested. ¡°What kind¡­ of a hero¡­ uses¡­ DARTS!¡± ¡°Poisoned darts,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shouted back. ¡°Can you feel it working, you monstrosity?¡± ¡°I¡­ cannot be¡­ POISONED! You are¡­ PATHETIC! At least¡­ the gnome¡­ IS FUNNY!¡± The lamb-aggoth laughed so hard that the ground shook, then turned back to chasing Nanoc. Rotcel ¡®Loc¡¯s shoulders slumped in defeat. Then a thought occurred to her: if poison had not worked, what might? ¡°Dren, if this beast serves Horror, then what would its weakness be?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc whispered. ¡°Do you know, Horror¡¯s twin is Romance, fourteenth born of the third generation, goddess of yearning and chocolate. I bet this beast is allergic to chocolate.¡± ¡°Great!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said eagerly. ¡°Do you have any?¡± ¡°No. Do you?¡± ¡°No!¡± ¡°Ah. Do you know, that¡¯s not very helpful then?¡± ¡°It was your idea!¡± One of the beast¡¯s long arms caught Nanoc around the ankle, tripping him up. Rotcel ¡®Loc leaped onto the hay bale she had been hiding behind and threw one of her many knives at the arm, severing it and freeing Nanoc. The lamb-aggoth switched its attention to the lizardling, charging at her. ¡°Oh no!¡± the lizardling shouted as the lamb-aggoth¡¯s arms switched their attention to her, wrapping themselves around her body. ¡°Scissalc Magic missiles!¡± Dren shouted, pointing his finger like it was a gun. A dozen glowing orbs shot out, each one homing in on a tentacle and frying it. The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. The lamb-aggoth roared in pain. ¡°You¡­ will¡­ regret¡­ THAT!¡± it screamed, slamming its huge body forward. Dren and Rotcel ¡®Loc dodged just in time as the whole barn jumped from the impact. The lamb-aggoth chased the lizardling and elf into a corner of the barn. They were doomed¡­ except like all creatures of Horror, the lamb-aggoth didn¡¯t want to kill its prey too soon. It liked to make them suffer, to mine the full range of despair from their bodies, like a six-ton cat playing with its prey. ¡°Got any more of those magic arrows?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked hopefully. ¡°I¡­ you know, I don¡¯t.¡± ¡°Pity. Nanoc!¡± The little barbarian was on the far side of the barn, where he had found a pitchfork to replace his club. His fire elemental jumped the shaft and slid down to the prongs where it clung tightly.
New weapon: Firey pitchfork! The Firey Pitchfork incorporates is perfect for the rural mob leader as they storm the castle and confront the evil monster within! Strong against: Horror, wood, grass, vampires Weak against: Water, armor, scarecrows
¡°Nice.¡± Nanoc threw his club over his shoulder and turned to his enemy. ¡°Hey, you baaa-stard!¡± Nanoc said, taunting his opponent. ¡°Stop picking on my friends and come fight me!¡± It worked; the lamb-aggoth turned away just as Nanoc attacked, stabbing with his pitchfork. The fork found a break in the beast¡¯s armor, cutting into flesh. There was a sizzle as purple blood met flames, and the lamb-aggoth howled in pain. Nanoc stabbed again through chitinous plates and red-stained wool to cut right into the vulnerable flesh below, searing the sides. The lamb-aggoth spun with a grace that should have been impossible for something so large, hitting Nanoc with its tail and sending him through the air right toward his friends. Dren caught him awkwardly, setting the gnome down. The three of them faced the beast. ¡°I will¡­ CONSUME YOU!¡± the lamb-aggoth roared again, waving its tentacles in the air. ¡°Come here, and let me EAT YOU!¡± Nanoc considered his options. The beast was very, very large. He¡¯d have to stab it a million times to kill it, and who had time for that? It was time to try something a little more¡­ creative. ¡°I have a plan,¡± the gnome barbarian said to his friends. ¡°I don¡¯t like it!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc snapped. ¡°You don¡¯t even know what it is!¡± Dren protested. ¡°So? I know it will be terrible,¡± the lizardling said, desperately pushing up against the wall. Nanoc nodded. ¡°It is terrible,¡± he agreed. ¡°Terribly brilliant! Dren, can you shoot me at the beast with your magical telekinesis or something?¡± ¡°Do you know, it¡¯s possible. I read a spell about this once¡­ I¡¯ll need a minute to find the right notebook.¡± ¡°Good. While you do that, the lizardling and I will distract it, then bam! and we¡¯ll take this beast down. Right?¡± ¡°Wrong!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°I¡ª¡± The lamb-aggoth charged forward, scattering the trio as it slammed into the barn wall. Nanoc ducked and rolled, then jumped back to his feet just in time to see Rotcel ¡®Loc being lifted toward the beast¡¯s mouth. He stuck his pitchfork into a bale of hay and turned to Dren. ¡°Ready, Dren?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°Ah¡­ well, there are two spells I could use and¡­¡± ¡°Just use the first one!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said as she dangled above the lamb-aggoth¡¯s giant mouth. ¡°Dren, hurry up!¡± ¡°Right, right¡­,¡± Dren said agreeably. ¡°It¡¯s just that this might be a good time to test which spell¡ª oh, it''s not? Okay. Ylla-dab¡¯s Friendly fire!¡± There was a boom as Nanoc was flung through the air like the world¡¯s least aerodynamic missile, the fire on the end of his pitchfork burning white-hot and eager. He landed on the lamb-aggoth¡¯s mouth, balancing precariously on a tooth. ¡°I hope you like hot food!¡± Nanoc shouted, dropping the bale of hay down the beast''s open mouth. The fire elemental jumped after the hay, burning it up even as it fell. The burning bale hit the lamb-aggoth¡¯s stomach with a disturbing combination of pop and hiss. Nanoc grabbed Rotcel ¡®Loc and they dropped to the ground as the great beast thrashed and spasmed from the pain within it.
Critical hit! Everything¡¯s on fire! Double damage! The beast is weak to fire!
The lamb-aggoth choked, its many eyes bulging as it tried to spit out the unwelcome meal, but the elemental was having too much fun to stop. The great beast burped so loudly that the barn roof was lifted off the walls for a second. The lamb-aggoth burped and growled in pain. ¡°Let me see, let me see,¡± Dren said. ¡°Fire burns well¡­ so let¡¯s try Retsilb¡¯s fireball!¡± The scholar sent a stream of fireballs at the lamb-aggoth, burning its skin and revealing pink flesh beneath. The lamb-aggoth fell forward, rolling in the dirt to try to put the flames out. ¡°What now?¡± Rotcel asked nervously. ¡°And now this!¡± Nanoc said, charging at the lamb-aggoth and ramming the pitchfork into the beast¡¯s huge head. The lamb-aggoth grunted in surprise at the blow, its many legs twitching until at last they fell still. The beast gave a last ragged breath as its eyes closed. The fire elemental burst out of its nose and danced over to Nanoc. He lowered his pitchfork to the ground to let it jump back on. Mary¡¯s lamb was dead. Rotcel ¡®Loc, always the professional hero, walked to the back of the barn and immediately started ransacking it for loot. Dren and Nanoc stood by their fallen foe. ¡°Do you know, I had expected more from this thing,¡± Dren said, frowning. ¡°Me, too,¡± Nanoc said, prodding the giant corpse with his foot. ¡°I was just getting warmed up. Hey, where did that crown get to¡­¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc turned around from her search and gasped when she saw how closer Nanoc was to the corpse. ¡°Get back!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc warned. ¡°Nanoc, get back!¡± ¡°Why? What¡¯s it going to¡ª" He had forgotten: Horror was the god of jump scares. The lamb-aggoth¡¯s body split like an over ripe fruit, spilling long purple tentacles across the barn as a huge, soft body unfolded. The beast¡¯s new form was amoebic, shapeless and gooey, eyes and mouths forming and disappearing into its bulk, tentacles sprouting from every side of the beast, flailing in the air. ¡°Now¡­ I take¡­ my final¡­ FORM!¡± the lamb-aggoth roared in a deep voice that shook the barn. ¡°Be¡­ warned¡­ mortals¡­ your death has¡­ COME!¡± 8. Baaa-stard 8. Baaa-stard The lamb-aggoth¡¯s new form flowed out of the fallen corpse of its former self, dwarfing the mortal container that had held it. The barn shook, dust falling from the roof. Nanoc¡¯s friends dragged him back from their enemy until they reached the far wall and could go no further. The lamb-aggoth chuckled, a creepy huff-huff-huff sound that echoed through the barn so that it sounded like it came from everywhere at once. Once again, Nanoc¡¯s identify enemy skill came in handy.
Lamb-aggoth¡¯s final form Level: Higher than a giant on a mountain... you''re doomed! The dreadful beast has shed its outer skin! None may look upon the final form without losing first their minds and then their lives! Defeat this beast to complete your quest or DIE TRYING!
¡°It looks like this form might be a lot tougher than the one we beat,¡± Nanoc conceded. ¡°It sure has a lot of tentacles and¡­ whatever those things with mouths are. Yuck. Dren, any ideas?¡± ¡°Um¡­ don¡¯t be here?¡± ¡°I will¡­ CONSUME YOU!¡± the lamb-aggoth roared. ¡°I will¡­ EAT YOUR SOULS!¡± ¡°Not helpful, Dren,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Rotcel ¡®Loc?¡± ¡°Run away and live to loot another day?¡± the lizardling suggested. ¡°No.¡± ¡°I¡­ will¡­ KILL YOU!¡± the lamb-aggoth roared, clearly insulted by Nanoc¡¯s lack of fear. Rotcel ¡®Loc desperately searched the wall for any secret panels or ways out. Dren joined Rotcel ¡®Loc in her search, but Horror¡¯s champion had them trapped, and their slow deaths seemed inevitable. For a moment Nanoc¡¯s mind turned to his previous life as clerk when the only danger he faced was papercuts. The gnome shuddered. ¡°Death is still better than paperwork,¡± he said, ¡°Hey, is that¡­ the lamb?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked, pointing at the small body protruding from the top of the lamb-aggoth¡¯s form. The woolly body of Mary¡¯s former pet sat on top of the lamb-aggoth¡¯s amoebic form, the lamb¡¯s body merging into the monster. The purple crown was on its head. The lamb looked quite peaceful, almost as if it were sleeping. Then its eyes snapped open. ¡°Fear me¡­ FEAR ME!¡± the lamb-aggoth roared, the beast¡¯s many mouths all shouting together. ¡°DIE!¡± The beast lashed out with a dozen long tentacles, and the trio spit up, diving and rolling out of danger. Nanoc stabbed his fiery pitchfork into a bale of hay, and his fire elemental set it in flames. ¡°Not¡­ this¡­.TIME!¡± the lamb-aggoth roared, spitting out a stream of putrid goo that covered Nanoc from head to foot and extinguished both the hay and the elemental with a sizzle. ¡°Ha¡­ Ha¡­HA!¡± ¡°What¡¯s your next plan, Nanoc?¡± Dren called out from the other side of the barn. ¡°I¡­ wait, why am I the one who has to make a plan?¡± Nanoc protested. ¡°I¡¯m more a gnome of action¡ª¡± The lamb-aggoth surged at Nanoc with a speed that defied its great bulk. The gnome tried to run past it, but a tentacle caught his ankle and he fell face down on the ground. Within seconds a dozen more tentacles had wrapped around him, squeezing him until he couldn¡¯t move, until he couldn¡¯t even breathe. This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. ¡°Let me show you¡­ the true meaning¡­ of¡­ HORROR!¡± the lamb-aggoth roared, ichor dripping from its face and the whole barn shaking. The effect was somewhat spoiled when it added, ¡°I¡¯m so much worse than¡­ PAPERWORK!¡± Nanoc tried to struggle, but the beast was far too strong for him. He bit down on a tentacle, but the skin was thick and rubbery. The lamb-aggoth swung him to one side as if he were a rag doll as it charged down Dren. The elf kept the beast away with a shield of bright white light for a few moments, but once the light failed the lamb-aggoth¡¯s tentacles caught the scholar around the waist and dragged him off his feet. But where was the lizardling? Nanoc had seen her a moment before, but where had she gone? There! Rotcel ¡®Loc was clinging to the barn¡¯s roof right above the lamb-aggoth¡¯s head. She dropped down into it, both hands grabbing for the crown of wire around the lamb¡¯s head as she strained to pull it free. The lamb-aggoth tried to shake her off, slapping at her with its tentacles, but there was nothing that could get between a Treasure Hunter and her treasure. Rotcel ¡®Loc turned bright red from the strain and the crown popped right off the lamb¡¯s head. She held it in the air triumphantly, but a vindictive tentacle sent her flying across the room. She hit the wall with a slap and the crown dropped out her hand and rolled into the shadows. ¡°No!¡± she shouted. ¡°Yes!¡± Dren said. The lamb-aggoth shuddered and screamed in pain as if struck through the heart, releasing Nanoc and Dren. It shrunk, losing tentacles and chunks of jelly until it was only half the size it had been before. ¡°Good work, Rotcel ¡®Loc!¡± Dren said excitedly. ¡°That crown is some kind of magical artifact that grants great power to the beast! By removing it, you have given us a chance to win!¡± ¡°Did it? I mean¡­ right, that¡¯s why I took it,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, looking around for the crown. ¡°Can you and Nanoc deal with the beast now?¡± The lamb-aggoth was hurt, but not beaten. It grew a dozen new tentacles, all far smaller than what it had lost, and new eyes opened in its skin. It stared at the trio of heroes with considerably more respect than before. ¡°Lets¡­ call this¡­ A DRAW!¡± the lamb-aggoth suggested. ¡°You are¡­ nearly DEAD! I will allow¡­ YOUR ESCAPE!¡± It was a good deal. They could live to fight another day. The beast was so much more powerful than them that it was a miracle they were still standing. Victory was too much to ask for. ¡°Nanoc, help me find the crown and then let¡¯s go,¡± Rotcel ¡®loc said, pulling at the gnome''s arm. ¡°We don¡¯t need to keep fighting!¡± ¡°We¡¯re not done here,¡± Nanoc said, facing the beast of Horror. Rotcel ¡®Loc groaned and even Dren seemed surprised. As far as a jelly-bodied manifestation of Horror could be said to have facial expressions, the lamb-aggoth look worried. Nanoc grinned. The beast was right: he was so close to death that a single blow would end him, but that didn¡¯t matter. He was tired, too, and the only abilities he had left were a single use of berserk and his banana-based trip hazard ability, which was too weak to use on such a beast. That didn¡¯t matter, either. He knew what he had to do: he needed to make the most of his berserk ability to release the strength of his inner barbarian, to harness the kind of wrath that overrode any pain or physical weakness, the kind of anger that directly channeled his soul. There was only one thing in the universe that would make him angry enough. ¡°What¡­ what about bananas?¡± Nanoc asked Dren. ¡°Oh, they¡¯re definitely berries,¡± Dren shouted back. Nanoc let out a roar of pure, unadulterated fury. He rushed a the lamb-aggoth. The beast tried to retreat, but the gnome was far too determined. He leaped onto its body, climbing quickly until he reached its head. He punched the beast of Horror in its many eyes, each hit causing great damage to the diminished monster. It flailed at Nanoc, but the gnome was too fast to be caught. ¡°Bananas are not berries!¡± he shouted. ¡°They¡¯re not!¡± But they were, and some part of the gnome knew it. The lamb-aggoth waved its tentacles around, trying to catch the gnome, but Nanoc was too fast, too agile. The gnome was everywhere and nowhere, stabbing and cursing, kicking and biting, more feral and terrifying than the beast he was trying to kill. His friends stood far back from the fight, so that they didn¡¯t get in his way. ¡°I¡¯ll make you explode like a rotten tomato!¡± Nanoc shouted, pummeling the lamb-aggoth. ¡°Did you know, tomatoes are also a berry,¡± Dren shouted helpfully. ¡°And they are equally tasty when eaten raw or roasted.¡± ¡°Stop¡­ saying¡­ THINGS!¡± the lamb-aggoth begged. It was too late; Nanoc had become an unstoppable tornado of kicks, punches, and pitch-fork blades. ¡°Ahhhhh!¡± shouted Nanoc, and he slammed his elbow down on the lamb-aggoth with such force that the creature¡¯s skin cracked open, spilling its innards outwards. The possessed sheep blinked a few times in shock, then fell over backward and exploded into a deluge of purple ectoplasm that carried Nanoc and his friends back out through the maze and out the mouth of the barn. The body of Mary¡¯s lamb washed up next to Dren. There was no sign of any damage or corruption to its body; it was once again a sheep, innocent and pure. ¡°Hey,¡± Nanoc said brightly. ¡°That¡¯s dinner sorted!¡± 9. Mint sauce 9. Mint sauce Nanoc stood up, swaying. His body felt it had been sat on by a giant, but his spirit soared. They had won. Despite all the odds, despite being entirely out-powered, they had somehow beaten Mary¡¯s lamb. "We did it!" he said. ¡°We killed the beast and freed the region! Let¡¯s get out of here¡±. ¡°Wait! We need to search for treasure before we go!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. Quite a lot of her hero training had been dedicated to the importance of treasure and how to find it. It went against her every instinct to finish a quest without stealing everything in sight. ¡°What treasure?¡± Dren asked, looking at the collapsed barn. ¡°All I can see is rusty tools and old wood.¡± ¡°And we wouldn¡¯t want to steal from Mary,¡± Nanoc added. ¡°Unless we find something really good, anyway.¡± ¡°So¡­ you don¡¯t want to look for treasure?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked, shocked. ¡°Did you know, I think the treasure might be metaphorical?¡± Dren suggested. ¡°Like, the real treasure was the people we punched along the way?¡± Nanoc suggested, nodding. ¡°Exactly. Surely our success was its own reward. Nanoc had a good fight, and I learned a great deal. Is that not enough?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shook her head. ¡°Absolutely not! I¡¯m not interested in some quiet feeling of accomplishment, I want my treasure! I dropped that crown in there, and I¡¯m going to get it back!¡± She walked back towards the barn, which was now more ruin than building. ¡°You¡¯d really go back in there just for a crown?¡± Dren asked, amazed. ¡°Yes!¡± ¡°Do you know, I dropped a quill in there, do you think you could¡ª¡± ¡°No!¡± The lizardling left. Nanoc lay back on the grass, watching the clouds overhead. One of them definitely looked like a pie. Another looked like his aunt Mable. A third¡ª ¡°I¡¯m back,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said a few minutes later. ¡°And look what I found!¡± She held up the barbed wire crown she had taken off Mary¡¯s lamb. ¡°Nice hat,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°It¡¯s a crown!¡± This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it Nanoc stood, picked up Mary¡¯s lamb, and slung it across his shoulders. Death had shrunk the animal it back down to its natural form of a small and perfect sheep. It had somehow managed to avoid getting covered in purple goo. ¡°Do you have to bring that thing?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°It gives me the creeps.¡± ¡°This monster scared Mary and her father,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°They¡¯ll want the comfort of seeing it dead.¡± ¡°Unless it comes alive again,¡± Dren said cheerfully. ¡°That¡¯s a typical Horror-type thing to do, you know.¡± Nanoc dropped the lamb¡¯s body and stepped back from it. He prodded it a few times, but it didn¡¯t move. Any evil spirits inside it were either trapped or biding their time. ¡°Nah,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°I¡¯m pretty sure it¡¯s fine.¡± They set out for the farm again, walking slowly. Purple goo dripped from their clothes and their hair. Nanoc¡¯s skin was covered in sucker markers from the tentacles, Dren was limping, and Rotcel ¡®Loc was walking with her head down, staring at the crown in her hands. ¡°It¡¯s unique¡­ absolutely unique,¡± she muttered to herself. ¡°Is it possible? Can I keep it? It¡¯s mine! All mine! Hahahaha!¡± She looked up guiltily to see if the others had noticed her treasure-lust, but they were too busy arguing about whether Nanoc¡¯s nan could sue a biologist or not. ¡°Hey! I just went up a level,¡± Nanoc said, interrupting his own rant about fruit. ¡°And lots of my skills improved, too, and I even got a new skill called final stand.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll need to know all about it,¡± Dren said. ¡°I¡¯ve never read anything about the Barbarian class before, so this is fascinating. Remind me again, which god or goddess grants you such unusual powers?¡± Nanoc frowned, not knowing how to answer. He knew his powers were coming from somewhere, more than likely a god or goddess, but that didn¡¯t mean he was a follower, no, not at all. Many people found comfort and purpose in religion, and that was fine, but Nanoc did not. He considered himself to be antaga-gnostic: he disliked the gods and went out of his way to annoy them. But he didn¡¯t say this. ¡°Is it Adventure, perhaps?¡± Dren suggested. Adventure was the eleventh-born of the second generation, god of leaving home and trying new things. She had been born from Fear, but had a lot in common with her aunty, Love. Nanoc shook his head. ¡°I prefer to think of myself as a freelance soul,¡± he suggested instead. ¡°I¡¯ll accept whichever afterlife comes with the best food.¡± That night, as they sat eating dinner with Mary and her grandfather, they recounted all that had happened that day. The old farmer shook his head in admiration. ¡°Incredible,¡± he said. ¡°How could we ever hope to repay you? We are not wealthy people¡ª" ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it,¡± Nanoc said, reaching for a bread roll. ¡°Just pay us in apples or whatever. Lots of them.¡± ¡°But won¡¯t the Guild want money?¡± Mary asked a little suspiciously. ¡°Lizardling, surely the Guild must be paid?¡± Rotcel glanced up guiltily from the crown of wire she was hiding in her lap. The others were all looking at her expectantly. ¡°What? No, I¡¯m sure it¡¯s fine,¡± the scout said, too distracted to argue. ¡°Apples, or whatever. Yeah.¡± ¡°This really has been a most interesting adventure,¡± Dren said, scribbling a note in one of his many books. ¡°It¡¯s come a full circle. Let me see now¡­ Mary had a little lamb¡ª" ¡°With mint sauce,¡± Mary said with some satisfaction, taking a second serve. ¡°Now tell me, gnome, how is it that you became a barbarian? I would not have thought such a thing were possible.¡± ¡°Ah!¡± Dren said, nodding. ¡°Did you know, that¡¯s a tale worth hearing, yes.¡± All eyes turned to Nanoc, who blushed slightly. ¡°Well, I¡¯ve only been a barbarian for a week,¡± he admitted. ¡°I hadn¡¯t even heard of the class before then. The careers counselors at my school all told me my only options were accountant, or clerk or classes like that. I heard the Guild of Heroes was hiring and I hoped the work would be more interesting than just shuffling paper, but then I burnt down the Guild Hall in my second week¡­¡± 10. Rebel clerk 10. Rebel clerk The world Below was dominated by Order, the second born of the gods and leader of the pantheon. His Static empire stretched across four of the six continents, his lands forming a repeating tapestry of farms and villages with the occasional seven-sided city set at regular intervals. Every part of the empire looked much like every other part, as far as geography would allow, which most gods found deeply boring but which pleased Order, who liked his roads straight, his cities clean, and his people obedient. Each year, the empire expanded, the streets grew longer, and the cities widened. Soon the world would be the empire, and the empire would be the world. But not everything was as Order wished. The influence of Chaos, firstborn of the gods, still lingered in the world: goblins crawled from mines and caves, ghosts haunted the darkest forests, and terrible monsters roamed the lands without any concern for the travel permits and carefully stamped licenses that a citizen of the Empire needed before they were permitted to leave their homes. Out on the fringes of the empire, there were even a few dark lords and dungeon masters who were yet to be shown how much better life could be as a registered servant of the empire. It infuriated Order. Worse still, while the armies of Order were entirely loyal and had flawless rhythm while marching, they could only fight when told exactly what to do. The soldiers were simply too slow to adapt to a dungeon¡¯s cunning or a monster¡¯s rage. They needed every trap or trick explained to them in advance, on paper, as was the way of the Empire. And so Order was forced to gather together a specialized force of mortals who were adequately obedient in their service to the empire, yet still adaptable enough to fight its most dangerous enemies. Many of these mortals came from the border towns or from outside of the empire, and they needed taming. Order created the Guild of Heroes, the sprawling network of halls and guild masters, to harness the might of these wild mortals using whatever carrots or sticks were deemed necessary. The heroes held a unique position in the Empire: they were free. The Empire turned a blind eye to the heroes'' excesses and eccentricities, to their distinctive clothes, to their jaywalking, to their messy paperwork. They could swear and spit, they could gamble and sleep in late, they could even forget to pay their taxes as long as they also served. Most citizens considered the heroes akin to plumbers: their work allowed society to exist, but nobody wanted to hear about it over dinner. The Guild Halls were built far outside the cities to limit their corrupting influence and, possibly, their smell. The oldest Guild Hall was built on a hill overlooking City Three Of Region Two (Order was not good with names). Here, heroes gathered to seek quests, to feast and mourn, to buy and sell, to train and craft, to argue and gossip. All of this activity generated a lot of paperwork ¨C they were still in the Static Empire, after all ¨C and the guild employed a small army of human and gnome clerks to fill out the endless forms. These diligent workers spent their days and nights in a long, windowless hall buried beneath the guild where rows and rows of desks sat facing the single entrance. The door to the hall burst open, and a hero stepped into the room. He was an elf dressed in blue robes, an ice mage. Pinned to his chest was the bronze badge signifying his rank as a senior apprentice Hero. He walked up to the oldest clerk, a frail human woman who sat near the door, and banged on her desk impatiently. The clerk flinched, refusing to look at the hero. ¡°I need a volunteer,¡± the mage growled. ¡°Quickly now! We need to get this done before lunchtime!¡± The clerks all bent their heads closer to their work and pretended they hadn¡¯t heard. All but one: A young gnome at the back of the hall was staring up at the ceiling, so caught up in his daydream that he hadn¡¯t even noticed the hero walk in. This was Nanoc, the gnome clerk. He had been thinking about how much he hated paperwork, and about how much better life would be if he wasn¡¯t a clerk. These were dangerous thoughts, in the empire. So was listening to a hero. This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. ¡°You!¡± the hero demanded, pointing at Nanoc. ¡°Yes, you there! Wipe that dumb smile off your face and come here!¡± Nanoc put down his pen, hopped down from his hard bench, and ambled over to the hero. The gnome was as skinny as a twig, and his head only came up to the mage¡¯s elbow, yet he happily met the hero¡¯s eyes. ¡°I¡¯m Nanoc,¡± he said. ¡°Level nine clerk, at your service.¡± Nanoc hadn¡¯t wanted to be a clerk, but it was the only class the empire approved of for gnomes. It was not the right class for him: he was talented enough, but his heart had never been in shuffling paper. He nodded cheerfully at the elf who towered over him. The elf glared down, using a spell to inspect the gnome.
NANOC THE GNOME Health: 4/4 CLERK Level 9 Skills: Paperwork, filing, taking notes, counting, boring stuff Abilities: Speed reading (50 per day), finding folders (10 per day), avoiding the blame (1 per day) ATTRIBUTES: Hidden QUESTS: This class does not allow quests
¡°You¡¯ll do, then,¡± the elf said. ¡°Sure.¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t you scared of me?¡± the elf hero asked, a little annoyed. ¡°No, not at all,,¡± Nanoc replied. ¡°You see, my father always used to say I¡¯m far too reckless for a gnome¡ª" ¡°I don¡¯t care. Come with me.¡± The mage led Nanoc deeper into the hill, down twisting tunnels and damp passages, until they reached a narrow stairway that cut into the caves beneath the hall. The stairway was steep. It disappeared around a curve, its end lost to darkness. ¡°Do you know what lies in the great caves beneath the guild?¡± the hero demanded. ¡°Junk, mostly,¡± Nanoc said, nodding. The Guild heroes were like magpies, collecting every magical trinket they came across. Most had little value, but part of the Guild¡¯s charter was to prevent any dangerous magic from entering general circulation, which meant keeping it somewhere safe. The basements below each Guild Hall were filled with half-magical swords, expired potions, moldy books of spells, and boxes of haunted bones. ¡°They are treasures!¡± the hero said, slapping Nanoc across the head. ¡°Each one a victory for the empire! And Tsaob, master of the ten thousand hidden blades, demands you fetch the one he seeks!¡± ¡°Why?¡± Nanoc asked. It was an impertinent question for a gnome to ask, but the apprentice just sighed. ¡°He¡¯s trying to impress a lady, I think. Again.¡± They shared a moment of being annoyed before the apprentice remembered his station and glared at the gnome. ¡°He wishes you to bring him the Witch Lord¡¯s scepter,¡± the apprentice snapped. ¡°Which lord was that?¡± Nanoc asked with a smile. ¡°Yes, the Witch Lord, the great darkness that spread through the mountains until at last it was cast out by¡ª" ¡°But which lord¡¯s scepter?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°That¡¯s what I said! Witch Lord!¡± ¡°Which lord?¡± ¡°Witch!¡± ¡°That¡¯s what I¡¯m asking!¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Which lord is it?¡± ¡°I¡ª¡± The elf glared at the smiling Nanoc, then said, ¡°Are you teasing me? I should beat you for your insolence! Then perhaps you will learn your place.¡± The twinkle in Nanoc¡¯s eyes dimmed, but only slightly. He had been beaten many times before for disobedience, for being messy, for questioning his elders, and for a dozen other infractions against the Static Empire. The beatings had been in vain: the bruises always faded, but the anger they caused remained, growling in the darkness. But what could he do? Nanoc was a gnome, alone in his convictions, and even rebels need to eat. He¡¯d become a clerk because that was the only professional class the Empire had allowed him. The smart thing to do was to apologise and shut up, to keep his head down, to be a good gnome. But sometimes doing the smart thing is just stupid. ¡°Lighten up, I¡¯m just having a little fun,¡± the gnome said. ¡°We don¡¯t pay you to have fun!¡± the elf snapped. ¡°We pay you to do as you¡¯re told!¡± He slapped a form onto Nanoc ¡¯s chest, waved a hand, and muttered a spell. Nanoc was encased in a bubble of glowing purple energy, which lifted him off the ground and shot off down the stairs, bouncing off the walls as it went. ¡°And hurry back!¡± the hero ordered after him. 11. A magical banana 11. A magical banana The magical ball of light carried Nanoc down the steep stairwell at great speed, bouncing off the walls. When it reached the bottom, it burst with a ting and dropped him on the ground. The caves were darker than anywhere Nanoc had ever been; even the night sky had stars, but there was no light in the caves, and the very weight of the black nothing was like great weight on the souls of all who stood before it. Or most of them, anyway. Nanoc was not scared of the dark. He was not, to his mother and father¡¯s great embarrassment, scared of much. He was certainly not scared of breaking the rules. He pulled a glass vial from his pocket and placed his index finger inside. ¡°Summon fire elemental,¡± Nanoc said. Red mana gathered at his fingertip, coalescing to form a flame the length of a fingernail that dropped into the vial and danced around, casting a flickering red light. Nanoc pulled a candlestick from his pocket and screwed the vial into it so that, from a distance at least, its light might be mistaken for a candle. ¡°Are you hungry?¡± Nanoc asked quietly, dropping a few shreds of dry paper into the vial. The elemental burnt the paper up quickly and glowed a little brighter to illuminate the maze of shelves that spread out of the bottom of the stairway, reflecting off strangely formed weapons and the silvery teeth of long-dead animals. The elemental jumped and spun eagerly as it saw the great mass of tasty, flammable rubbish. ¡°Careful now,¡± Nanoc warned the fire elemental. ¡°Don¡¯t make me put you out.¡± Fire elementals were illegal in the empire, regardless of their size. Nanoc had been born with the skill of summon fire elemental, but his father had warned him to never use it for fear of being thrown in prison by the guards of Order. Nanoc had agreed with his father at first, but the elemental was a useful secret, and Nanoc had spent many nights reading by the light of the little elemental. It served a similar purpose in the caves as he bent over the scroll he had been given, trying to make sense of it. This was not easy. The storage caves were one of the only places in the empire that were seriously untidy. For centuries, the apprentices who brought the treasure down to the caves had tended to throw it on the first open spot they found on the shelves, and it was a brave clerk who spent much time trying to correct this. In any case, the local ghosts tended to move things around as the whim took them, making a map of the storage impossible. It was a mess, but luckily for Nanoc, clerks had abilities specifically that would allow him to find what he was looking for. The scepter would have been stored with files and forms, and even the ghosts respected the need to keep objects with their paperwork. ¡°Find paperwork,¡± he said Light flowed out of him, forming a spectral pen that hovered in the air. He showed the pen his form; it dipped in acknowledgment, then sped off into the darkness. Nanoc followed it slowly, picking his way over piles of rusting magical weapons and old bones. ¡°What a bunch of rubbish,¡± Nanoc muttered to himself. ¡°There is nothing of any value here. Nanoc was entirely wrong about this; the heroes often failed to understand the true power of what they found, and there were treasures buried beside the dysfunctional artifacts and dented shields. The tooth of a golden dragon lay in the inner pocket of a dark mage¡¯s robes; the robes themselves were dusty and moth-eaten, but the tooth was as powerful as the day it was taken. Nor was it alone: a bottle of the red plague had been stored on a shelf of half-empty potion, the soul of the great demon Retsnom, bound to a branch of the world tree, had been stacked beside a set of witches¡¯ broomsticks. One of the three existing copies of the Neckronominum, the legendary book of tasty dark magic recipes, had been cast into a box of enchanted cookbooks. And so on. Any god who happened to be watching would have laughed at the little gnome as he walked past a dozen items that could have changed his life forever. They would not have been laughing had they known what Nanoc was about to stumble onto ¨C they would have struck him down at once and without hesitation. But they didn¡¯t know and didn¡¯t act, and Nanoc kept walking in the darkness, searching the shelves. Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings. ¡°Scepters, scepters, scepters, I see you on the shelf,¡± Nanoc sang to himself, raising his glass vial of fire. ¡°Scepters, scepters, scepters, I¡¯ll fetch you for that elf. Hah, that¡¯s quite catchy. Maybe I should be a bard¡ª" He stopped suddenly, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. A quiet rustling filled the air, and a cursed skull whispered threats and promises, but this was normal enough for the caves and nothing to worry about. Nanoc shrugged and took a step forward. The tip of his foot caught on the skeleton of a long-dead chimera, spilling the creature¡¯s bones across the floor and into the shadows. The movement disturbed the dust, which rose in a cloud and made Nanoc sneeze violently. There was a loud bang from the darkness and a crash that suggested that somewhere, just out of sight, something fragile had fallen to the ground. ¡°Whoops,¡± Nanoc said cheerfully. ¡°I hope that wasn¡¯t expensive.¡± The chimera¡¯s skull rolled back out of the darkness and hit Nanoc in the leg. It split in two, revealing the greatest and most dangerous treasure the warehouse had ever held, a treasure capable of scaring the gods themselves. ¡°It''s¡­ a banana,¡± Nanoc said, surprised. It was, but not just any banana: it was large, ripe, and looked as if it had just been picked off a tree. ¡°But that¡¯s¡­ impossible,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°How¡­¡± He picked the banana up. It was surprisingly heavy. ¡°What are you, then?¡± Nanoc asked it, holding it up to his light so he could have a better look. Bright letters spilled out of the banana and formed a sentence in the air:
Magical binding! The Banana Of Mayhem demands you bind with it or DIE TRYING!
¡°Right,¡± Nanoc said, surprised. The words began to flash, demanding an answer. The words grew larger and larger until Nanoc thought they might fill the whole cave. ¡°No thanks,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°I don¡¯t bind to mysterious magical items on the first date.¡± He threw the banana over his shoulder. It wheeled through the air, bounced off a pile of giant skulls, rolled beneath a rack of lances, and landed on a statue that was half-hippo, half-scorpion, and all hideous. The banana fell into the statue¡¯s mouth and was wedged in tightly between huge hippo teeth. This was not a worthy resting place for an artifact so powerful, and if fruit can be said to have a mood, then the banana was annoyed. It glowed with a dull, red light that cast strange shadows through the bones. Nanoc didn¡¯t notice. He was too busy thinking about what he would have for dinner. ¡°Soup, again,¡± he said glumly. ¡°It¡¯s always soup.¡± The hippo statue holding the banana melted, spitting the banana into the air. It bounced off a shelf and pinwheeled through the open visor of a full-plate suit of armor, ricocheting around before shooting out a hole in the side. It broke through a row of nearly empty potions in a spray of pink clouds. It flew onward, knocking over swords and shattering skulls with relentless abandon until, inevitably, it shot right back at Nanoc, hitting the candlestick in his hand and shattering the glass vial holding the tiny flame elemental. The elemental, finally free from its glass prison, leaped onto a shelf of scrolls. It burnt its way through paper and wood, then spread to the next shelf and the next, merrily racing through the caves. The flames were wild and hungry, consuming everything and spitting out a choking smoke. Nanoc cursed as he watched the unfolding disaster, unable to stop it. The Guild would be furious. ¡°I¡¯m about to get fired,¡± Nanoc said, then stared at the flames that were coming towards him. ¡°Maybe literally!¡± The flames were between him and the stairs; the flames were everywhere. He could feel the heat on his skin, drying his eyes. There was no escape. One way or another, he realized, he¡¯d never work as a clerk again. ¡°Good,¡± Nanoc decided. ¡°I hated that class. I hated it!¡± Such sacrilege would have gotten him arrested had he been heard, for Order did not encourage rebellion in any form. Luckily for Nanoc, he was alone, alone with the fire. He watched as the flames reached a shelf of potions, the fires exploding into blue and green clouds. He could feel the air rushing past him to feed the fire. Nanoc sighed. There was only one way out. He turned his gaze back to the banana that had caused all his troubles. It was still waiting for his reply. He didn¡¯t know if it would save him, but he¡¯d rather try something stupid than just give up.
Magical binding! The Banana Of Mayhem demands you bind with it or DIE TRYING!
¡°Fine then,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Do it.¡± Bright yellow light exploded out of the banana, engulfing Nanoc in dancing flames. The gnome stared at them in amazement: they covered his body but didn¡¯t burn. The banana rose upwards, dragging the flaming gnome with him. "Watch out for the roof!" Nanoc warned, The banana hit the stone and melted its way through it, burning its way to freedom. Nanoc¡¯s life as a clerk was over. His life as the world¡¯s first gnome barbarian was about to begin. 12. Legendary quest 12. Legendary quest The world Below was shaped like a bowl, the ocean a swirling blue custard, the seven continents like meringues floating on top, occasionally letting pieces break away as islands. It was beautiful when seen from the sky. So it was unfortunate for Nanoc that he had his eyes tightly shut as the banana of mayhem dragged him through the sky and across the world, from the very center of the Static Empire to its wild and rugged edges. The gnome was at the center of a fireball, unharmed yet very worried. ¡°Ahhhhh!¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°Put me doooooown!¡± Nanoc was scared of heights. It was his only real fear, which was strange for a gnome. Most gnomes were scared of everything. He screamed as the banana carried him through the sky, screamed as it dumped him in the middle of a forest. The fireball that had served as his vehicle exploded like an overly ripe fruit, sending damp soil and burning leaves flying through the air. Fire shot out in every direction, but instead of spreading, it contracted, the flames burning inward towards Nanoc, burning away his clothes and all other pieces of his old life before fading away. Nanoc lay face down, naked. His nose was filled with soil and ash. ¡°By Order¡¯s hairy ears,¡± he swore, lifting himself up and looking around. ¡°What just happened? Where am I?¡± The banana''s impact had left a crater with Nanoc in the middle. Mud was already starting to refill the hole, and the little gnome was at risk of being swallowed by the forest floor. He got to his feet and looked around the thick trees around him, which were so tall and so dense that he could not see the sun. The forest was no place for a gnome. It was certainly no place for not a gnome alone, and Nanoc was very alone. He had never really been alone before. He had spent his early life surrounded by his gnomish family and his working life being constantly pestered by heroes and co-workers. Now, for the first time he could remember, he was the only person around. Or was he? ¡°Banana?¡± Nanoc asked cautiously. ¡°Are you there?¡± The magical banana hovered above him, radiating an aura of pleasure at finding itself free at last. It manifested a spark of golden light which it shot into Nanoc, causing the gnome to jump. Ff it thought it could intimidate the gnome, however, it was wrong. ¡°Dammit, banana!¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°You could at least have let me keep my pants!¡± Nanoc was naked and alone in a strange place. There would be a phase, later in his career, when his being naked in public was a weekly event and hardly worth mentioning. This was his first time, however, and he found it deeply unpleasant. Leeches were crawling across the forest floor. Leeches. The banana did not care.
New quest! Seek Chaos! The Banana demands you take it to see the Goddess Chaos, firstborn of the pantheon of deities. Reward: the blessing of Chaos.
¡°I can¡¯t do that,¡± Nanoc said, shaking his head. The banana created a second spark of golden light to hit the gnome with, but the gnome held up a hand to stop it. ¡°I can¡¯t. Chaos is shattered, her pieces hidden away by the gods. She¡¯s gone.¡± The banana shook from side to side in denial. ¡°It¡¯s true. She led a rebellion against heaven. She killed Essence, thirdborn of the gods!¡± he explained. ¡°The other gods broke her into seven pieces as punishment, each piece locked away for all eternity. Everyone knows this.¡± Everyone except the banana, it seemed. It had been asleep for a long, long time. Nanoc tried to remember his history lessons. ¡°During the battle for the heavens Above, Chaos and her army of mortal souls stormed the city of the gods¡ª" Essence, thirdborn of the first generation, had been the goddess of air and souls, ruler over the Heavens above. The histories of the Static Empire did not say why Chaos had hated Essence enough to wage war on her own family. Chaos was insane, the priests of Order would say. Chaos was wild, destructive. She needed no reason. The murder of Essence had shaken the very universe: gods were not supposed to die. It was impossible. The pantheon had been so terrified by this unexpected turn of events that they had finally united, taking Chaos a prisoner and breaking her into seven pieces, which they hid across the universe. ¡°¡ªbut this all happened at the end of the Age of Legends,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Maybe¡­ a thousand years ago? Ever since then, the Static Empire has taken over most of the world.¡± The banana made an undignified uurrp sound when it considered these words. It had not been aware of its mistress¡¯s fate. It spun slowly in the air, thinking, before it offered a new quest:
New quest: Free Chaos! Free the goddess Chaos or DIE TRYING! Note: This is a legendary quest.
The very thought of such a quest silenced Nanoc. He had no idea what a legendary quest might require, but he doubted it was possible for a lowly clerk. ¡°I can¡¯t help you,¡± he said, shaking his head. ¡°You need an adventurer, but as a gnome citizen of the empire, the only professional class I¡¯m allowed to follow is clerk, and I¡ª¡± He stopped suddenly. He could still go back to the Static Empire if he wanted to. It would take a long time before the Guild realized that he had been responsible for the fire, and that he was still alive. It would take even longer for such news to arrive at the far edges of the empire. He could find work, if he wanted, in some small business. He could keep his head down and go back to filing paperwork. But he didn¡¯t want to. ¡°I¡ª I¡ª¡± He was lost. He was free. He was a million miles from his family and anyone he had ever known. There was something he¡¯d always wanted to do, ever since he was a child, something he¡¯d dreamed of, something so rebellious that he¡¯d never let it out. ¡°I haaaaate the Static Empire!¡± he shouted at the trees. ¡°I haaate being a clerk! I haaate filling out forms in hepticate, it¡¯s a waste of time! I¡¯m born for better things than filing! Order is stupid and boring! Maybe I will find Chaos just so she can break the empire apart!¡± His words startled birds in the trees and echoed around the forest. Never had a gnome of the Static Empire shouted so loudly or dared speak against Order; never had a clerk defied their place. Nanoc jumped up and down, yelling wordlessly at the trees, expecting to be struck down at any time by the forces of Order but not caring anymore. He was a wild gnome, mad and naked and angry. The banana considered the gnome¡¯s outburst with amused approval. Chaos was the goddess of fire, but also of change, of renewal, of rebellion. She liked comedy and tragedy in equal measure. Fire was a fickle element, after all. This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. ¡°I haaate Order!¡± Nanoc shouted at the sky, and the sky did not strike him down. The banana reached a decision: this tiny, angry gnome would be its new champion and change the very universe. But first¡­ it blasted him with a ray of bright golden light.
New Class Assigned: Barbarian! + 7 Strength! + 5 Agility! + 3 Toughness! + 3 bonus hit points! New skills assigned!
¡°That¡¯s impossible!¡± Nanoc gasped. ¡°Gnomes can¡¯t¡­ let me see!¡± Nanoc closed his eyes and let his mind turn inwards to the soul within him. The sound of the forest faded away. His inner sight flickered, revealing a scroll floating in front of him. He hadn¡¯t checked it in a while. Nanoc¡¯s soul scroll had been filled with clerk-related skills, which didn¡¯t interest him much. The scroll in front of him, however, was filled with a few surprises.
NANOC THE GNOME Health: 10/10 BARBARIAN Level 1 Skills: Hand-to-hand combat, drinking, shouting, singing badly, identify enemy, makeshift weaponry, looking great when sweaty Abilities: Rage! (1 uses per day), incredible strength (2 uses per day) CLERK | Level 9 Skills: Paperwork, filing, taking notes, counting, boring stuff Abilities: Speed reading (50 per day), finding forms (10 per day), avoiding the blame (1 per day) ATTRIBUTES: Currently hidden QUESTS: None
Nanoc squinted at his scroll. From what little he knew about the barbarian class, it was based on the strength attribute, and excelled at drinking, laughing, and punching people. The class was not welcome in the Empire of Order. He¡¯d kept his clerk class as well, he noticed. He didn¡¯t know how to feel about that. Multiclassing was fairly common Below, where most people had a primary class that paid the bills and several secondary classess in areas they actually enjoyed. Exactly what these secondary classes were was often a private matter. The orc Elpma Xe was a level twenty warrior fanatic and as far as his fellow warriors knew, that¡¯s all he was. Secretly, however, he had also reached twenty levels in steamy romance novelist, writing under the name Mistress Hearts. His companions often wondered why Elpma Ex had not reached higher levels in his primary fighting class, but the answer was simply that he was writing instead. His secret had been found out by a coworker at which point Elpma Ex had been forced to earn several levels in assassin and one in undertaker. At least Nanoc''s new skills looked a lot more fun than his old ones. ¡°Shouting as a skill,¡± Nanoc said, amused. ¡°And¡­ Looking good, too? I think I¡¯m going to enjoy this class.¡± Skills were used in day-to-day work and could be improved through use or when a person leveled up. He¡¯d kept his penmanship and arithmetic skills from his clerk class, but he doubted they were going to use them in the forest. ¡°And new abilities¡­¡± Nanoc said, staring at his sheet. Unlike skills, which were always available, abilities such as rage! were powerful but temporary boosts that recharged during sleep. Set below the new skills and abilities was a notification:
New quest: Free Chaos! Free the goddess Chaos or DIE TRYING! Note: This is a legendary quest.
¡°Right,¡± Nanoc said, speaking to the banana. ¡°A quest. And do I get paid¡­¡± The banana shook. Salaries were a creation of Order, and not for consideration. ¡°No? But I get to keep my new class if I decide not to¡­ also no?¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Well¡­ okay then, I accept.¡± He felt good about it. The banana was offering him something he had never had before: a purpose. It was an absurd purpose, perhaps, and more likely to end in embarrassment than reward, but it was still more than he had ever had before. It was good. No, it was great. ¡°So, what do I do first?¡± Nanoc asked. There was rustling in the nearby bushes, and a toad as large as a Doberman pushed its way through the leaves. It had heard Nanoc shouting and had hoped to find its dinner. It hadn¡¯t noticed the gnome yet, but each hop it took brought it a little closer. ¡°Ah¡­ that¡¯s a big frog,¡± Nanoc said, taking a step backward. It wasn¡¯t that he was scared, only that he wasn¡¯t stupid. ¡°So¡­ what, do I just fight it then?¡±
New quest: Defeat your first enemy! The banana demands you defeat the toad or DIE TRYING! Reward: New skill
¡°Nope,¡± Nanoc said, and turned away. His foot caught something hard, and he fell forward, sprawling on the ground with a thud. He glanced down at his foot, expecting to see a branch, but instead, finding the banana itself had tripped him. It looked a little smug about it, too. ¡°Dammit,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°I¡ª dammit. Um¡­ can we talk about this?¡±¡± The giant toad turned slowly towards him. Its skin was covered in a mixture of warts and tiny mushrooms, and its eyes were large and bloodshot. ¡°Glup?¡± it asked, licking its lips with an enormous tongue.
Enemy identified! Bane Toad - level 3 beast These warty creatures eat whatever they come across. They are rather stupid, but what they lack in brains they make up for with stomach. Weakness: Metal
Nanoc¡¯s new identify enemy skill was working, but knowing what the toad was weak to was of no help to Nanoc, who had no metal. He didn¡¯t even have pants. At least Nanoc was probably smarter than the toad, although that was little consolation. He was going to be a well-informed snack. Nanoc grabbed a fallen branch from the forest floor and stood up, wielding it like a sword. This was a movement made more in panic than anything else, for he had never held a weapon before. To Nanoc¡¯s surprise, he spun it in his hands like a baton, then slashed the air a few times with powerful blows. ¡°Am I¡­ good at this?¡± he asked, surprised. ¡°Do I have a skill or something?¡± He did.
Makeshift Weaponry Anything is a weapon if you swing it hard enough! Improve your skill by experimenting with different objects.
The toad flicked out its massive tongue at the gnome, but Nanoc deflected it with his club in a fantastic display of dexterity beyond what any gnome had ever achieved before. The toad blinked, surprised. Nanoc did, too. They stood staring at each other, equally amazed. The toad, who was quite stupid, did not overthink what had just happened and recovered first. It launched itself at the gnome. Nanoc rolled away before it caught him, then bounced to his feet and smashed the toad across its face. The creature gave a glup! of protest that its dinner was fighting back. ¡°That¡¯s right,¡± Nanoc yelled at it. ¡°I bet you didn¡¯t see that coming, you warty old frog!" The toad lunged into the air, its great mouth open and eager. Nanoc swung his makeshift club desperately, catching the toad across the face with a thud! The toad fell to the ground on its back, wiggling its legs in the air. The gnome stared at his wooden club. ¡°Gnomes rule!¡± he shouted, amazed by his own strength and speed. The bane toad rolled onto its belly, shook itself, and glared at Nanoc, pawing at a small cut on the side of the head where Nanoc had hit it. He had drawn a little purple blood, nothing more.
Bane Toad is slightly injured!
The words hung over the creature in bright red letters. Nanoc ignored them; he knew how the system worked. The toad shook itself and hopped forward. It looked annoyed. Nanoc wondered if it was too late to try running away. He shifted the branch in his hand, getting a better grip. The toad tensed itself up, ready to leap. ¡°Glup!¡± ¡°I¡¯m not food!¡± Nanoc shouted at it. He leaped forward and whacked the bane toad on the head. The beast reared back, and Nanoc barged into it with his shoulder, sending it tumbling. Nanoc was on it at once, smashing it so hard that the branch in his hand broke. He looked around and found another which worked equally well. ¡°Batter¡¯s up!¡± Nanoc said, waving the club. ¡°Glup!¡± the toad repeated, not giving up. ¡°Glup!¡± It licked its lips. Nanoc could almost feel its hunger. ¡°Die!¡± Nanoc said, poking the toad with his club. But the toad did not die. Instead, it opened its mouth, and its long tongue lashed out and caught Nanoc by the chest, the sticky end attaching itself with an iron grip. Nanoc dropped to his knees and grabbed a tree root as the toad tried to reel him in. Its tongue stretched and strained like an elastic, ready to snap. It was too strong; Nanoc let go of the root and was pulled through the air like the world¡¯s most misshappen arrow, his feet slamming right between the toad¡¯s massive eyes. As he did so, he activated his incredible strength ability.
Critical hit! Bane Toad is concussed!
The toad fell over, its back legs kicking the air futilely. Nanoc stared at it in disbelief. He got to his feet and winced, hopping in circles as he clutched his left foot. ¡°Dammit, banana!¡± he shouted. ¡°You can¡¯t expect me to beat a toad like that alone. I¡¯m only a level one!¡± He kicked the comatose toad with his good foot, overbalanced, and fell backward into the mud. As he was getting up, a second bane toad bounced out of the bushes. It was twice as large as the one he had defeated and had a set of sharp antlers growing from its head. It glanced at its fallen comrade with cold-blooded disdain, then turned its attention to Nanoc, thinking of its stomach rather than its species. It croaked eagerly, pawing at the ground. Nanoc raised his branch. ¡°I¡¯ve beaten one of you, and you¡¯re next! You¡¯d better run, ugly!¡± the gnome shouted out.
Intimidation check: Failed! The toad is not scared of you! 13. Scholar Barbarian Toad 13. Scholar Barbarian Toad Nanoc stared at the bane toad; the toad stared back. It was purple, and twice as large as the toad Nanoc had beaten, with deadly horns on its head. It stuck out its long blue tongue to lick the air. ¡°Glup?¡± the toad said. ¡°Glup!¡± A second toad hopped out of the bushes, then a third and a fourth. They glanced at their unconscious packmate without concern, then turned to Nanoc. ¡°Glub?¡± the purple toad asked eagerly. ¡°Glub?¡± ¡°Glub!¡± the toads said in chorus, except for a bright blue toad which accidentally said, ¡°Ribbit!¡± The other toads turned towards and glared at it. ¡°Glub!¡± the blue toad quickly corrected itself. Nanoc gripped his tree branch club and wondered if he was about to die. He really hoped not. It would be terrible to die at such a low level. The angels who presided over the Courts of Life and Death would shake their heads in disappointment and reincarnate him as a beetle - not that there¡¯s anything wrong with beetles. Nature, thirteenth born of the first generation, goddess of flora, fauna and nudists, absolutely adored beetles and spent a great deal of her time creating new species of them. Nanoc hefted the branch in his hand thoughtfully. The purple toad leered. They both leaped at the same time and met in a splat of wood and skin. The toad was heavier, and Nanoc went flying into the sky. ¡°Aaaargh!¡± Nanoc screamed. He flew into a tree, hit the trunk, and fell through several branches before managing to hook his arm around one. The branch sagged under his weight, but it held. The sudden speed of his flight had left him dazed and hurting but also deeply, deeply embarrassed. ¡°I can¡¯t believe I got my assed kicked by a frog,¡± he complained. ¡°Do you know, they¡¯re actually toads,¡± said a voice from a higher branch. ¡°The defining difference is¡ª¡± Nanoc shouted in alarm and fell backward off the branch. A hand shot out of the leaves above him and grabbed his leg as it went wheeling through the air. An elf was hanging upside down from a branch, one hand gripping Nanoc¡¯s ankle and two legs hugging the tree trunk. Some elves, particularly those of the woodland variety, could boast such a high dexterity that holding to a gnome while climbing would have been no difficulty at all, but this elf was dressed in the grey cloak of a librarian and wore glasses smudged with dirt. He was not particularly agile or strong, and he slipped down the trunk as he tried to swing Nanoc to safety. ¡°Toads have shorter limbs and drier, wartier skins,¡± the elf continued, sounding pleased that he could share this information. ¡°Most toads still need to lay their eggs in the water, though.¡± ¡°Is now really the time for a lesson in biology?¡± Nanoc asked, reaching for a branch. His finger tips brushed the bark, but didn¡¯t quite reach. ¡°Do you know, it¡¯s always good to learn new things,¡± the elf said as he slipped further down the tree. ¡°That is what we who serve Knowledge believe, at least.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± Nanoc said as he and the elf slipped further down the trunk towards the waiting toads. ¡°You¡¯re a follower of Knowledge, then.¡± ¡°Yes. Do you know, my name is Dren,¡± the elf said enthusiastically. ¡°What are you doing in the forest?¡± Nanoc asked, curious despite himself. ¡°You look like you belong in a museum.¡± Dren nodded. ¡°That is my retirement plan, yes. For now, however, my mentors at the university suggested I try the field scholar class, to go out and discover new things. They said I¡¯d be good at it.¡± ¡°They really said that?¡± Nanoc said, doubtfully, looking at the Scholar¡¯s muddy robes and bare feet. The elf looked even less suited to the forest than Nanoc was. ¡°Do you know, they did.¡± That was mostly true. The professors who led the university were a quiet, diligent group of mortals who served the god of Knowledge well enough, but in all their years dedicated to teaching and learning they¡¯d never had a student quite like Dren. He¡¯d gone through the university archives and collated dozens of the most dangerous spells ever created, then tried to improve them. This experimental approach to magic caused a lot of noise and trouble, which was not appreciated. After an incident when Dren had set off a series of large fireballs in the cafeteria ¨C he¡¯d been trying new ways to warm his tea - the professors decided enough was enough. They were not unkind people, but nobody likes to see their biscuits exploded. The most senior professors invited Dren into the dean¡¯s offices, sat him down in an old leather chair, and suggested that it was time for a change in career. They agreed that an elf of Dren¡¯s unique talents would make an excellent field scholar, with the unspoken preference that it be in a field far, far away. They¡¯d bought Dren a ticket to the edges of the empire and wished him all the best. ¡°I¡¯m learning a lot from being out here,¡± Dren said, apparently quite sincerely. ¡°You¡¯d probably learn even more things if we get out of this tree,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Do you know, I think you¡¯re right, starting with how hungry those toads are.¡± Nanoc peered downward through the leaves. Three very large, very hungry bane toads were waiting at the foot of the tree, staring upward with mouths open. ¡°I think I can drop onto one and knock it out,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°I can probably take care of one of the others, too.¡± ¡°Are you a warrior class?¡± Dren asked politely. ¡°I¡¯m a barbarian,¡± Nanoc explained, then waited for the elf to make fun of him. He wouldn¡¯t have blamed the elf for laughing. Barbarians were a hearty, muscular class, and gnomes were delicate, boring creatures better known for their filing. It was ridiculous for Nanoc to claim to be a gnome barbarian. But not to Dren. ¡°Fascinating,¡± Dren said, nodding. ¡°I¡¯ll want to make a note of that, but what I really would like to know is¡ª¡± Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. ¡°Can you deal with the third toad?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°What? Yes, I have a spell somewhere that should do it.¡± ¡°Well¡­ let¡¯s hope it works.¡± Nanoc jumped from the branch, aiming his feet right at the head of the toad below him. His feet slammed into the toad¡¯s head with a thump that traveled up Nanoc¡¯s back and into his head so that he felt he¡¯d just been punched in the back of his skull. ¡°Ouch!¡± Nanoc said. But it had been worth it. The toad slumped down, defeated.
Critical hit! You¡¯ve knocked the toad down! Way to put your body on the line! You have lost 2 health! New ability learned: Body slam! Use your body as a battering ram! You¡¯ll take some damage but they¡¯ll take more! Warning: Does not work on buildings,
A moment later, Dren dropped out of the tree, spell book in hand, and landed clumsily. The nearest toads, startled by the elf¡¯s arrival, jumped right at him. Dren didn¡¯t notice. He¡¯d dropped his notebook and bent to retrieve it, ducking down just in time for the toad to go flying over his head and smack into a tree trunk, stunning it for a moment. The last toad turned towards Nanoc, its long tongue unrolling out of its mouth. Nanoc whacked it with his branch, which snapped in his hands. He kicked the toad in its side, but his foot bounced off the toad¡¯s thick skin. It reared up on its back legs and pushed him hard, sending him stumbling backward. The toad threw itself after the gnome, and Nanoc rolled aside just moments before the bulky beast landed on him. The gnome looked around for a weapon, any weapon, but while the forest was full of fallen branches, they were either too small or large to be of any use. Worse still, was that the two toads that had been stunned were once again back on their feet and looking for dinner. ¡°Dren! Is that spell ready?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°What? Do you still want that? Wait, I know I have it somewhere,¡± Dren called out. ¡°Keep them occupied, if you would. Now, where is that book¡­¡± The nearest toad bounced over to Nanoc, mouth open. The gnome, having found no weapon, headbutted it with all his strength. Crack!
Body slam! Critical hit! We meant you to use your body, not your brain! 3 HP lost! Don¡¯t try that again!
The toad jumped away, groaning in pain. Nanoc had not fared much better. ¡°Ouch!¡± Nanoc muttered, staggering backward. ¡°Dren! Spell!¡± The elf dropped his spell book, picked it up again, flicked to a page, and began muttering to himself. The three toads turned towards him and licked their lips lazily. ¡°Cinap¡¯s fingers of light!¡± Bright lances of light flew from his fingers, hitting the toads right in their eyes. The beasts screamed and fled, bounding through the forest. Nanoc and Dren were safe. Nanoc sat down, his head aching from his headbutt. He lightly touched the egg-sized bump that was growing out of his head and winced at the pain. His vision was spinning. He felt sick. ¡°Do you know,¡± Dren said politely. ¡°That was really¡ª" ¡°Don¡¯t,¡± Nanoc warned him. ¡°Don¡¯t make a joke about using my head or anything even close to that, or I will kick you into the sun.¡± ¡°¡ªreally brave,¡± Dren said, quickly changing what he was going to say. ¡°I can¡¯t believe you did that!" The elf wasn¡¯t the only one who was impressed.
New level! Congratulations! By defeating a higher-level monster when everyone thought you were dead for sure, you have earned a new level! You are now a level 2 barbarian! You have gained 1 strength and 3 health!
¡°Yes!¡± Nanoc said, punching the air. ¡°Another level for this gnome!¡± It had taken him months to earn his second level as a clerk, but he¡¯d had only been a barbarian for a few minutes, and he¡¯d already gone up. He wondered if that was some kind of record (it was: the next best speed of ascending to the second level was from Hsif Gib, a Fisherman who accidentally caught and somehow killed a small kraken on his first day of work. This unprecedented achievement made Hsif Gib overconfident, and after a long night of boasting about his greatness, he fell off his boat and was swallowed by the kraken¡¯s mother. The gods laughed). Nanoc was doing well. Granted, he¡¯d nearly died several times, but he¡¯d also learned new skills. He could do this; it would be easy. The feeling of new power made him quite lightheaded. Luckily for him, Dren was there to drag him back to earth. ¡°Gnome?¡± ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°Do you know, you aren¡¯t wearing any pants?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°And is this a choice? Are you perhaps a nudist, a follower of Nature?¡± ¡°I am not,¡± Nanoc said, annoyed. ¡°Then your lack of pants is most perplexing.¡± ¡°I am aware of this, yes,¡± Nanoc replied tersely. ¡°But I¡¯m not sure how pointing it out helps.¡± Dren smiled. ¡°Knowledge is always helpful, friend. I¡ª" ¡°The only knowledge I want is where to find a pair of pants,¡± Nanoc muttered. ¡°Pants¡­ pants. Yes, I know! Let me try this spell. Tegrat¡¯s instant pants!¡± A nearby bush exploded into greenish smoke. The bush was gone, and in its place lay a pair of bark trousers. Dren picked them up and offered them to Nanoc, ¡°Did you know, Archmage Tegrat hated ironing so much that he made his own pants each morning? A useful spell. These won¡¯t last long, though.¡± Nanoc slipped the trousers on. They fit perfectly. ¡°Right,¡± he said, a little surprised that Dren had done something so practical. ¡°Thanks.¡± ¡°Do you know, I¡¯ve never seen a gnome of the barbarian class. In fact¡ª"
New level! Congratulations! For discovering a unique class/race combination that should have been impossible has earned you a new level! You are now a level 8 field scholar! You have gained 1 knowledge and 1 focus!
¡°Excellent,¡± Dren said, pleased. ¡°Today I have truly learned something worth knowing. Thank you, gnome.¡± ¡°For what, exactly?¡± Nanoc asked suspiciously. Clerks were seldom thanked, except sarcastically. ¡°Your mere existence has made the world a more interesting place,¡± Dren said sincerely. ¡°Learning of your unique class and race combination shall make my god happy, and I have even increased my level. This is all very good.¡± Nanoc stared at Dren skeptically, but the elf appeared quite serious in his praise. Nanoc decided to accept it; Knowledge was the god of truth, after all, and Dren would not lie. They walked on in silence for a moment, and then Dren asked, ¡°And which gods do you follow, Nanoc?¡± This was not an easy question for Nanoc to answer. There were so many gods to choose from, and yet he hadn¡¯t. There were gods of the first generation, like Order, who did not require worship or prayer from their followers, only action. Following the rules ¨C any rules ¨C was an act of Order, and thus each time a citizen filled out a form or paid their taxes, they also paid homage to their god. Reading a book was an act of Knowledge while running naked through the forest was an act of Nature, and so forth. As the head of the pantheon of gods and goddesses, Order allowed almost every other member of his immortal family to have a temple or altar in the Empire, and most citizens had a favorite they would visit on a regular basis. But not Nanoc. He was not interested in the gods. He dealt with the question of religion, death, and his immortal soul in the way mortals dealt best with all their major problems: he tried not to think about it. Since accepting his new class, however, a beating drum of joy was rising from his tiny heart, a song of freedom, a song of contempt for the gods and their silly rules. It was the song of Chaos, and he liked it, but even here, in the forest, he dared not speak of such things. ¡°I think¡­ I can hear more toads coming,¡± he lied. ¡°We should leave.¡± They set off at a brisk pace, and Nanoc quickly thought of a new topic of conversation. ¡°I¡¯m glad we both gained a level,¡± he said. ¡°Yes, that is good. And surely such progression is the greatest treasure¡ª¡± Nanoc spun around and waved a hand to silence the scholar. ¡°Don¡¯t say that word,¡± Nanoc warned. ¡°What word?¡± ¡°The ¡®t¡¯ word!¡± ¡°What? Why shouldn¡¯t I say ¡®treasure¡¯?¡± Dren asked, surprised. ¡°If you say the ¡®t¡¯ word three times someone from the Heroes Guild will appear. It¡¯s what they do.¡± Dren smiled. ¡°Ah, but if a scholar in the woods says ¡®treasure¡¯ and there is no hero to hear him, did he really say¡ª¡± An arrow slammed into the ground beside him. He stared in surprise, but Nanoc tackled him to the ground as another arrow shot overhead. ¡°Here they come!¡± Seven heavily armed men and women raced out of the trees, blades and bows drawn. Their leader, an archer in black armor, ran right up to Dren and aimed an arrow at the scholar¡¯s eye. ¡°Did someone say ¡®treasure¡¯? Where is it? Do you have it, elf?¡± their leader demanded. ¡°Give it to me right now!¡± ¡°Curse Knowledge''s crooked nose, and all who follow him,¡± Nanoc muttered. The Heroes Guild had arrived. 14. Enter the heroes 14. Enter the heroes It began to rain, fat drops rustling through the canopy of leaves and forming trickles down branches, and trunks. The ground became a bog, the daytime became night. The heroes glanced at the rain, shaking their heads in annoyance. They took up stations behind the great trees and watched the shadows, guarding against the dangers of the dark. They were in a classic Guild raiding party of seven: three blockers in heavy armor and carrying big shields, three strikers armed with bows, spears or long swords, and a scout who was standing with the awkward air of someone who wanted to be anywhere else. Three of the party were human, but there was a dwarf, an orc, and an elf, too, and the scout was a short lizardling with orange scales. The Heroes Guild did not discriminate: any race willing to get their hands dirty was welcome. The party¡¯s leader was a human frost archer named Nial Liv, and he was less than pleased with Nanoc and Dren. He¡¯d tussled them up with ropes around their wrists and ankles and forced them to sit in the mud. ¡°So there¡¯s no treasure?¡± he asked them for the third time. ¡°No,¡± Dren said. Nial Liv shook his head. ¡°I just don¡¯t believe you.¡± He pulled an arrow from his belt and spun it in his fingers. Watching the silver arrowhead was hypnotic ¨C Nanoc forced himself to look at the hero instead. There was a golden ¡®H¡¯ pinned to Nial Liv¡¯s chest, showing him to be a senior hero, someone who had reached the rank of ¡®party leader. Only the toughest and most dangerous heroes made it to such a high rank. ¡°This forest is dangerous,¡± he whispered to Dren. ¡°No one would simply enter without good reason. I¡¯ve heard stories, you see. The most terrible stories of travelers who met nasty ends beneath these dark trees.¡± Dren looked interested; Nanoc rolled his eyes at the dramatics. The rest of the heroes, however, were getting worried. One of the best ways a hero could stay alive was to stay moving, but they had been wasting precious time interrogating Nanoc and Dren. ¡°We can¡¯t stay here, boss,¡± one of the blockers called out, but Nial Liv waved a dismissive hand at him. The blockers¡¯ badges were wooden, which marked them as junior apprentices, the second lowest tier in the Guild hierarchy. Their armor was rusty, their weapons one-handed, and they wore large round helmets that didn¡¯t quite fit them. They shuffled their feet nervously as they stared into the forest gloom. Nial Liv, by comparison, had been a hero for many years. His armor was custom-made, his bow enchanted, his purse full of stolen gems. He was not worried about creatures in the forest. He waved his second in command, Rellik, towards him. She was a powerful orc with a scar down the side of her face and a red axe in her hands. Rellik was a striker, too. They tended to live longer than blockers, and she had reached the level of senior journeyman hero. She knelt down beside Nanoc, drew a knife, and began to clean her nails with it. She¡¯d painted her nails red to match her axe and even added tiny white skulls. ¡°This unlikely duo claim to have no treasure nor to know of any,¡± Nial Liv explained to her, his voice soft and deadly. ¡°Yet they cannot explain what they seek in this far corner of the empire.¡± ¡°And why would they be in this gods forsaken forest if not for treasure?¡± Rellik agreed, sharpening one of her nails. ¡°I think they know something we don¡¯t.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t,¡± Nanoc said, but at the same time Dren said ¡°I do!¡± The heroes exchanged a glance. ¡°So which is it?¡± Rellik asked. ¡°Do you know something or not?¡± ¡°I know lots of things you don¡¯t,¡± Dren said passionately. ¡°As I am sure you know much I would like to learn. Do you know, we could discuss¡ª¡± If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. Rellik drew a rag from her pocket and forced it into Dren¡¯s mouth, shutting him up. Nial Liv pointed his arrow at Nanoc. ¡°Talk,¡± he ordered. ¡°I don¡¯t know anything, really,¡± the gnome said. ¡°I¡¯m just as confused as you are. Does anyone have any pants I can borrow? I think these ones are splitting.¡± Rellik cuffed Nanoc across the head. ¡°They¡¯re idiots, boss. Let¡¯s just kill them and steal their¡­¡± Rellik cast a professional eye over Nanoc and Dren to determine how much their possessions might be worth. She shook her head, equally annoyed and disappointed. ¡°Let¡¯s just kill them. Then we can go find the necromancer¡¯s tower.¡± Dren nodded his head vigorously, and Rellik pulled the rag from his mouth. ¡°What?¡± ¡°Do you know, I passed a tower several days ago,¡± Dren said helpfully. ¡°It¡¯s in my notebook. I could draw you a map to it quite easily, I have a pencil in one of my pockets¡ª" He was interrupted by the sound of a ¡°Glup!¡± from behind a nearby tree. ¡°Something approaches,¡± the lizardling scout hissed. ¡°Take your positions!¡± Nial Liv stood suddenly and glared at the scout. ¡°I¡¯m in command here,¡± he snapped. ¡°I¡¯ll decide what we do. Blockers to the front, strikers behind. Scout, stay with the prisoners!¡± The blockers had their shields ready, each also carrying a small sword or hammer. The lizardling scout walked over to stand beside Nanoc and Dren, her steps quick and nervous, threatening to turn into a run at any moment. Rellik took position behind one of the blockers, her axe ready. The other striker, an elf with a thick hunting spear, crouched behind the second blocker, and Nial Liv stood behind the third, bow in hand. ¡°Every get ready!¡± he ordered. Nanoc felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise, and his heart began to pound in his chest. He could hear the toads smashing through the trees and bushes, the hungry Glup! Glup! getting closer, louder, faster. Nial Liv did not seem concerned. The hero was many things, most terrible, but he was a party leader, and nobody reached such a high rank without being able to fight, without being dangerous. ¡°Hold your positions,¡± he called out as the crashing sounds grew nearer. ¡°The first person to run gets an arrow in the back of their heads.¡± A bane toad hopped out from behind a tree and barely had time to say ¡±Glu¡ª¡± before a blue arrow hit it in the chest and the toad exploded into a cloud of snow. When the snow cleared, the toad was frozen in a cube of ice. The blockers cheered, the strikers and scout were silent. ¡°There¡¯s plenty more ice arrows where that came from, do you hear me!¡± Nial Liv shouted into the forest. Several more toads bounced into view, one charging right at the heroes. It slammed into one of the blocker¡¯s shields, nearly knocking her over before Rellik super kicked it back into the bushes. The other toads hung back, sheltering behind tree trunks and thick fallen branches, but their calling was undeterred: ¡°Glup! Glup!¡± More toads gathered until their big eyes glittered from every tree and shadow, but they made no move toward the heroes. They hadn¡¯t come to fight; they¡¯d come to watch. ¡°Glup!¡± they began to croak in chorus. ¡°Glup! Glup!¡± ¡°Do you know,¡± Dren said from his position on the ground. ¡°I think this may be some sort of primitive summoning ritual. Can someone untie me so that I can take notes?¡± The toads¡¯ call was repeated through the forest, building in volume and frequency, echoing until it seemed to be coming from every direction at once. Rellik tried to shout a question to one of the blockers, but the toads were simply too loud, and no words could be heard. Nanoc raised his hands to shove his fingers in his ears, but his wrists were bound and he couldn¡¯t reach. One of the blockers mouthed a curse, dropping his shield and clutching his ears. Everyone ¨C from orc to gnome ¨C wished the croaking would stop. And then it did. Every toad fell silent, and the forest was utterly quiet. The birds did not sing, the leaves did not rustle, the rain did not drop. The silence was complete. ¡°That¡¯s better,¡± Dren said, still trying to wiggle out of the ropes that bound him. ¡°Now, I really would appreciate if you would let me¡ª" ¡®¡°GLUP!¡± came a new roar, a single voice but far larger and more powerful than anything the heroes had ever heard before. ¡®¡°GLUP!¡± Tree branches snapped and splintered as a new terror came crashing through the trees: it was a bane toad, but at least a hundred times larger than the ones Nanoc and Dren had defeated. It landed with a thud that made the whole ground shake. The heroes cursed and swore, raising their shields and weapons, and a single pearl of worried sweat formed on Nial Liv¡¯s forehead. They were all going to be toad food. ¡°Hey, Nanoc,¡± Dren called out cheerfully. ¡°Nanoc, look at the size of that thing! It¡¯s¡ª"
GLUP! the Boss Bane Toad A legendary monster! The biggest bane toad in the forest, maybe in the world. Likes: taking long hops at sunset and eating lesser monsters. Hates: people who hurt his toad followers. GLUP! was in a bad mood before you arrived, now he¡¯s froggy furious!
15. Legendary Boss Toad 15. Legendary Boss Toad GLUP! the Boss Bane Toad hopped forward towards the heroes, its massive body flattening ferns and bushes with each step he took. The toad¡¯s skin was covered in thick warts, and a huge mushroom sat on its head like a cap. ¡°GLUP!¡± the boss toad roared. ¡°GLUP! GLUP!¡± It spat out a stream of mud that hit the dwarven blocker in the center of his shield. The dwarf braced for a moment, but the mud flowed over his shield and his feet. He slipped, carried away by a river of mud. The striker who had been standing behind him leaped away but slipped and fell face-first into the mud. GLUP! turned the stream of mud on the other heroes, who scattered. The edge of the stream of mud caught Nanoc, sliding him across the clearing until he hit a fallen log. He was covered in mud; it was in his nose, in his mouth. He was drowning in it. ¡°Do you know, that is a most spectacular toad,¡± Dren said from behind the log. ¡°The legendary field scholar, Niwrad, wrote that the boss form of common monsters may be many times the size of their lesser brethren, but this is really something amazing." Nanoc struggled to his feet and threw himself over the log, landing on his face, gasping as adrenaline was pumped through his chest. It is only natural, when faced with the danger of being eaten alive, that a mortal¡¯s primary instincts take over, which in Dren¡¯s case meant he was making a hasty sketch in his notebook for whoever found his body. He stopped for a moment to pass Nanoc a tiny knife. ¡°I use it to sharpen my quills,¡± he explained as the gnome sawed through his bounds. Nanoc risked a glimpse over the log just as GLUP! grasped one of the blockers in its front leg and flung the hero into the sky. Rellik smashed the toad with her axe, but the blade bounced right off the toad¡¯s thick skin. The toad slapped Rellik with one enormous hand, sending her flying backward. She twisted in the air and landed on her feet, then shook her head and yelled at the toad. GLUP! sprayed her with a stream of snot from its left nostril, but she ducked behind a blocker just in time and his shield absorbed the worst of it. ¡°Scholar Nowrad would have loved to see this,¡± Dren continued, oblivious to the fight. ¡°It¡¯s a pity he¡¯ll never know if it.¡± ¡°Why not?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°His theories were unpopular at the time, and he was gathering evidence to confirm his position when he was eaten alive by a boss weasel.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not surprised,¡± Nanoc muttered. ¡°Do you know, it was a terrible loss, a terrible loss. He did leave several excellent notebooks, however¡ª¡± ¡°We should get out of here,¡± Nanoc suggested. ¡°Right now. Let¡¯s go!¡± He grabbed the field scholar¡¯s robe, but the elf was peering over the log at the toad and was too focused on the beast to notice anything else. ¡°¡ªsome powerful insights,¡± Dren continued, oblivious to Nanoc¡¯s concern, ¡°One of which was that a boss will do all it [can to prevent intruders from escaping, and its minions will help, too. In summary, we can¡¯t run, gnome, it will only follow us. We must defeat it if we wish to live.¡± Dren popped his head over the log to take a look at the beast. The toad was spitting out bright blobs of poison that hissed and steamed wherever they landed. ¡°GLUP!¡± the beast roared, its voice shaking the leaves. ¡°GLUP!¡± ¡°Do you think it¡¯s really called ¡®Glup¡¯, or is that the only word it knows?¡± Dren asked interest. ¡°I read a paper about a family of wolves all called ¡®Frankie¡¯, you know, so it¡¯s not¡ª¡± Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions. ¡°GLUP!¡± The toad had seen them; it charged at the log they were hiding behind, shattering it into splinters and sending Nanoc running one way and Dren running the other. The party of heroes was already reforming on the other side of the clearing, Nial Liv shouting at his team to get into position. Being attacked by monsters was a weekly event for members of the Guild of Heroes, and even the blocker who had been flung into the sky was back on her feet. GLUP! might have taken them by surprise, but the fight was far from over. It was time for the heroes to counterattack. ¡°Formation one!¡± Nial Liv the archer snapped. Nanoc nodded, unsurprised. Formation one was simple: a clump with the blockers at the front and the strikers right behind. The heroes formed up, although the blockers were quite hesitant and had to be forced into place by the strikers. The human blocker who had been hit with snot found himself in the center of the front line. He shifted his heavy shield, suddenly unsure if he could trust mere wood to protect him. ¡°Ready!¡± Nial Liv shouted. ¡°Ready! We¡¯ll strike as soon as it attacks the gnome!¡± GLUP! lowered its head and sprayed Nanoc and Dren with poisonous green drops from glands beneath its eyes. ¡°Cinap¡¯s shield of scrolls!¡± Dren called out, waving his hands. A dozen translucent scrolls formed above him. The goo hit the shield with a sizzle, but although a few pages faded, the shield held. GLUP looked astonished, but attacked again with a larger blast, using all its poison at once to cover the shield. The pages snapped and crackled from the attack, then came a loud pop as the pages burst and faded away. ¡°Damn,¡± Dren said as the toad reached out to grab him. ¡°Do you know, I really thought that would work.¡± Nanoc grabbed the scholar by his waist and dragged him back. Luckily the heroes took that moment to hit GLUP! from behind. Arrows flew and spells sizzled as the colossal beast roared in annoyance, rearing up on its hind legs and spinning towards this new challenge with astounding speed for something of its bulk. ¡°Pord, get ready for its attack!¡± Nial Liv shouted. ¡°Rellik, hit it with a stun!¡± ¡°Here we go,¡± said the dwarven blocker, Pord, without enthusiasm, bracing himself to be hit. Pord¡¯s shield grew until it was the size of a barn door and thick as a plank. It was so heavy that Pord had to rest the bottom edge on the ground. It had only just reached its full size when GLUP¡¯s front foot slammed down, shattering the shield but leaving the heroes unharmed. Pord fell over, stunned by the ferocity of the attack, but the other heroes remained on their feet. The other two blockers attacked at once, slashing with their short blades. The strikers also moved into position. Rellik muttered a spell over a small throwing hammer before tossing it at the toad. Rellik¡¯s hammer landed with a crack on the toad¡¯s skull. She¡¯d used a powerful hammer throw ability, and the blow sent the toad cross-eyed in pain. ¡°Hit it with everything!¡± Rellik shouted. ¡°A beast that big must have treasure!¡± GLUP! struck out again, slapping at Rellik, but the orc was too fast. She ducked and dodged the giant toad, distracting it while the other heroes got into position. ¡°Get it!¡± Nial Liv shouted, and the archer himself launched a volley of arrows, most of which shattered on the toad¡¯s warty skin. The toad opened its great mouth to spit out its tongue, but that just revealed its tender tonsils to Nial Liv¡¯s attacks. The elemental archer sent several arrows into the boss toad¡¯s throat. ¡°GLUP! GLUP GLUP!¡± the boss toad protested, raising a foot to protect its face and deflecting a second volley of arrows. The heroes¡¯ formation was holding for the moment, and their attacks were beginning to break past the beast¡¯s formidable defenses. Nanoc circled around GLUP!, half looking for an opening to attack it and half looking for a chance to run away without it noticing. GLUP! saw the gnome and spat its enormous purple tongue to catch him. Nanoc leaped through the air, but he knew he was too late. ¡°Dren¡¯s Procrastination!¡± Dren called out. The world slowed around Nanoc. The giant toad¡¯s tongue seemed far away and moving as slowly as a penny dropped in treacle. Nanoc turned in the air, letting the tongue pass him by. He landed in a neat roll, jumping back to his feet. The toad¡¯s tongue began to retract slowly, and the heroes were moving into a new formation with glacial speed. ¡°Ha!¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°I am too fast for you, beast! I am Nanoc, the only gnome barbarian, and I will end you with my¡ª¡± Time flowed back. GLUP!¡¯s tongue snapped back into its head with an elastic snap! The toad lowered its head and charged forward, but the slowed time had given the gnome time to prepare. ¡°Eat this!¡± Nanoc shouted, activating his retribution skill as GLUP! the boss bane toad¡¯s head hit him like a battering ram. 16. Gnome vs Boss Toad 16. Gnome vs Boss Toad The giant bane toad GLUP! slammed its head into Nanoc just as the gnome activated one of his few class skills.
Retribution! For one attack, half of the damage a foe does to you is reflected back onto them!
It was a desperate move; he¡¯d never even heard of the ability before, but the only other option he had was Rage!, and he was still too much of a clerk to solve his problems by getting angry. He held out his knife as GLUP! struck him. Nanoc¡¯s blade bit deep into the toad¡¯s skin, drawing blood, but the head still connected with Nanoc¡¯s chest, sending the gnome flying high into a tree. He fell, hitting every branch on the way down before collapsing in a heap amongst the tree roots.
Critically low health! One more hit will kill you!
The warning was unnecessary: all the hard bits of his body felt soft, all the soft bits felt hard, and lots of stuff that should have been inside was poking out. The sight was so shocking that it was a full second before he remembered to scream. He felt lightheaded as he went into shock, the pain becoming a distant, terrible dream. GLUP! hopped forward, green blood spurting down its chin. The beast looked annoyed rather than hurt and was clearly ready to finish Nanoc off. The boss toad was too close, too big, too fast, and entirely too angry. Nanoc was doomed. There was only one way out. ¡°Save me, banana!¡± Nanoc pleaded. A glowing yellow banana of fire appeared in front of Nanoc, hovering protectively over him. The banana was having too much fun to let its champion die. GLUP! paused its attack, surprised by the fruity apparition. Toad and fruit glared at each other. GLUP! blinked first. ¡°GLUP!¡± it conceded. ¡°GLUP, GLUP. BANANA! GLUP!¡± The massive toad turned its rampage away from him as the heroes continued to bombard it. ¡°Gnome, what was that spell?¡± Dren called out. ¡°I have never seen it¡¯s like! It both repulsed and confused the great beast! And¡­ did GLUP! just say ¡®Banana¡¯, too? Gnome, did you know that your bleeding everywhere? That can¡¯t be good.¡± Nanoc groaned. ¡°I¡ª¡± he began. ¡°GLUP-slam!¡± The giant toad launched itself into the air, body-slamming the formation of heroes like a sandal falling onto ants. The heroes scattered, but Prod the blocker was too slow and was squashed into the mud beneath the toad. Worse still was that the formation was broken. The heroes swore and dodged as GLUP! swiped at them, catching one of the blockers and sending him crashing into a tree. The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡°Pull back! Retreat!¡± Nial Liv shouted. The heroes fled, leaving Nanoc alone on the ground, his body broken. No, not alone. Dren was running towards him, a potion in his hand. ¡°I can heal you, gnome!¡± he shouted. ¡°I have a healing potion!¡± Dren wasn¡¯t looking where he was going, or what danger he was in, he just ran. Unfortunately he ran right past GLUP!, who opened its enormous mouth and pounced on the elven scholar, swallowing him whole. The beast burped. ¡°No!¡± Nanoc shouted at it. ¡°I liked that elf! He made me pants!¡± GLUP! turned towards the gnome and opened his mouth, ready to eat again. He was too injured to move, and the banana would not save him again. Death by toad seemed imminent. GLUP! was a legendary beast and Nanoc was only a gnome, after all, a low-level barbarian who had no idea what he was doing. Still, he wasn¡¯t going to be eaten without a fight. ¡°You ate my friend!¡± he shouted. ¡°That makes me¡­ angry!¡± He triggered his rage ability, which felt like fire erupting inside his body, fury replacing pain. Nanoc¡¯s heart was pounding in his ears like a drumbeat, and his whole body expanded until he was very nearly as tall as a dwarf.
Rage! Why think when you can smash! Strength and agility are tripled! Knowledge and Focus are quartered! Congratulations! By raging out on a far more powerful foe while you are almost dead, you have upgraded your rage! ability to berserk!
There were more words, but they were far away and were spoken in a language Nanoc didn¡¯t quite understand. What did it matter, anyway? A friend needed help, a monster stood in the way. There was only one thing to do: charge! Nanoc raised his fists and shouted the most hair-raising battle cry he could think of: ¡°Make seven copies of every form!¡± Nanoc¡¯s strange war cry did nothing to scare the boss toad, who simply opened his mouth and swallowed Nanoc whole. It burped confidently, hopped after the fleeing heroes, then stopped, surprised by a rising heat from within. Its eyes bulged, its face turning a peculiarly bright shade of red, then it opened its mouth and vomited out one unhappy elf and a still-enraged gnome. The pair hit the ground with a squelch in a pool of greenish stomach acid. They smelt like clogged drains and rotten meat. They looked even worse. Nanoc¡¯s new pants were slowly dissolving on his legs. The gnome immediately jumped to his feet and waved his fist at the boss toad. ¡°There¡¯s more where that came from!¡± the gnome roared at GLUP. ¡°Eat me again, I dare you!¡± The toad said ¡°GLUP¡± a few times, as if considering it, then shook its massive head and hopped away into the forest, defeated. Nanoc¡¯s Beserk faded suddenly, leaving him feeling weak and tired.
Congratulations! You have used a barbarian ability to defeat a powerful boss monster! That¡¯s impressive, even if you did have help! You are now a level 3 barbarian! New skills are available.
The gnome and the elf stared at each other, both in shock. ¡°I did it¡­ but I only went up one level,¡± Nanoc complained. ¡°I should have got at least a dozen levels at least!¡± ¡°Do you know,¡± Dren said, ¡°you can only earn one level at a time, regardless of what it¡¯s for. Oh, and, ah, thanks. I never would have made it out of there alone.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t mention it,¡± Nanoc said, quite seriously. ¡°Ever, preferably.¡± ¡°Do you know, that was quite the worst experience of my whole life. I really must make a note of it. Did my pencil survive?¡± He patted the pockets of his robe with an unpleasant squelching sound. Nanoc sat and simply watched, stunned into silence. ¡°Great!¡± Dren said happily, holding up a pencil. ¡°Now, should we describe the stomach acid as bile green or poison, gnome? The shade may be important to later researchers. Gnome?¡± Nanoc thought about this for a moment, then threw up into the bushes. ¡°I¡¯ll just put ¡®bile green¡¯ for now,¡± Dren said. 17. The heroes return 17. The heroes return Nanoc lay on his back, gasping for breath. His head was still spinning from the speed in which he had been slammed on, eaten, and then thrown up by the boss toad, GLUP!. In all the history of the universe, no gnome had ever survived such a vicious attack. Nanoc sort of wished he hadn¡¯t, either. ¡°Do you know, you¡¯re naked again,¡± Dren. ¡°I suppose the beast¡¯s stomach acid melted your pants¡­ and your skin, too. Is that painful? It looks painful.¡± ¡°Who cares about pants? Everything hurts and I¡¯m dying!¡± Nanoc groaned. ¡°Why didn¡¯t I already die? I bet its that damned banana again, keeping me just alive enough to suffer? Stupid fruit!¡± ¡°Do you know, I believe that you can¡¯t take any damage while using the berserk ability,¡± Dren explained, kneeling beside the gnome. ¡°That¡¯s how you survived the toad¡¯s innards... but are you concussed, gnome? There are no bananas here.¡± Nanoc vaguely remembered reading about the berserk¡¯s avantages when he was awarded the ability, but his fury had taken over and he had stopped caring. He¡¯d survived the toad, but he could feel the vestige of his health slipping away. ¡°I¡¯m dying, elf,¡± he said softly. ¡°Tell my nan¡­ tell my nan¡­¡± ¡°Don¡¯t worry, you¡¯ll be quite fine in a few moments,¡± Dren said. ¡°Don¡¯t¡­ lie,¡± Nanoc whispered. ¡°Do you know, devotees of the god of Knowledge can¡¯t lie,¡± Dren said, although this was actually a lie. ¡°Here, this will help.¡± The field scholar poured a crystal vial of healing potion over Nanoc¡¯s wounds, which began to smoke and heal with startling speed. Nanoc had heard that most healing potions would only return a small portion of life, but this one had been brewed by a master alchemist and was extremely powerful.
Healing potion! You are fully healed! Poison, Acid, and Shock affects removed! You still smell, though!
¡°Do you know, the best healing potions are made from unicorn horns and the young leaves of mad-root plant,¡± Dren explained. ¡°I was given one when I left the university, to use in emergencies.¡± Nanoc stood up. He felt better than he ever had before. He stretched, feeling free and relaxed. His bones were back where they belonged, his muscles had reformed, and even his skin was as good as new. He jumped a few times, throwing his hands in the air. It was a glorious feeling. ¡°Do you know, you are naked again,¡± Dren reminded him. Nanoc stopped jumping. The scholar made him an new pair of pants from a dead toad and passed them over without further comment. ¡°Thanks,¡± Nanoc said, standing up. ¡°For the pants, but mostly for the potion. You saved my life.¡± ¡°As you saved mine,¡± Dren said. ¡°There aren¡¯t many people that would jump into a toad¡¯s mouth for my sake. The university only gave me one healing potion due to the expense, though, so I would suggest not doing that again. I¡ª¡± The lizardling hero appeared from behind the tree. Once she saw that Nanoc and Dren were alone, she stepped out and the rest of her party joined her. Well, most of them, anyway. Two of the blockers were missing. The others had been roughed up, too. The elven striker had dropped his spear and held one arm against her body, and even Nial Liv had mud on his face. Rellik was dragging the body of a horned bane toad behind her. She dumped it on the ground and sat down beside it, exhausted. The rest of the heroes rounded up Nonac and Dren, forcing them back toward Nial Liv. If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it. ¡°Why aren¡¯t you dead, gnome?¡± the hero demanded. ¡°The elf had a healing potion,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Ah? How lucky for you. Does he have another?¡± Dren shook his head. Nial Liv accepted this answer with a philospohical shrug. ¡°Talf is dead and I can¡¯t find Pord,¡± the lizardling scout called out from nearby. ¡°Has anyone seen him?¡± Nial Liv simply waved the lizardling away. Blockers were cheap to hire, mostly just beefy, naive peasants that the Guild recruited by the dozen. Few survived long enough to win the bronze badge of a senior apprentice. Still, they had their uses, and now two were missing. The elemental archer glared at Nanoc and Dren. ¡°Thank you,¡± Dren said to Nial Liv. ¡°For what?¡± ¡°Do you know, that boss would have killed us if you hadn¡¯t attacked,¡± the scholar explained. ¡°So I guess you saved our lives.¡± ¡°Do we get a reward for it?¡± the hero snapped. ¡°No, sorry, I¡ª" ¡°Then it wasn¡¯t intentional. Or permanent. Get out of our way, idiot.¡± Nanoc sighed. He wasn¡¯t just a clerk anymore, but the Guild still treated him like trash. To be fair, though, it seemed that Nial Liv treated everyone like badly, even his own party. Nial Liv gestured for his scout to come towards him, and the lizardling did so. ¡°Rotcel ¡®Loc, I¡¯ve heard horns of a bane toad head are worth something. Be a good lizardling and cut them off for me, would you?¡± He pointed his bow at Rotcel ¡®Loc and the lizardling hurried over to the dead toad beside Rellik. She drew a long knife but hesitated to get too close to the fallen toad. ¡°I¡¯m a treasure seeker, not a toad hunter,¡± she said. ¡°This is not what my contract¡ª¡± ¡°Just do it!¡± Nial Liv snapped. ¡°And you, elf, drag the other toads here. We aren¡¯t going to come out of this without something to show for it.¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc swore under her breath. ¡°This is degrading, by the eggs of my ancestors,¡± she muttered. ¡°I only pray my aunts and sisters never learn of it.¡± The scount wasn¡¯t being rude by ignoring the men in her family; her species reproduced asexually and all lizardlings were born female. When asked by other raced if they thought this was all rather strange, lizardlings would give a little sigh and say: ¡°compared to what, exactly, hmmm?¡± and really, they had a point. The lizardlings a carnivorous species, mostly scouts and hunters, dangerous and quick, who looked down on eating anything grown in the dirt. Rotcel ¡®Loc swore prodded the dead toad with her knife, unsure of where to even begin. ¡°I¡¯ll cut the horns off if you let me keep the knife afterward,¡± Nanoc said to Rotcel ¡®Loc, surprising her. Rotcel ¡®Loc handed him the knife without argument. Nanoc took it, nearly fumbling the handle. He¡¯d never used any blade longer than a bread knife before. He was probably going to cut his own finger off. Unless¡­ he¡¯d earned a new skill point when he leveled up, perhaps that would help? It did.
New skill: Good with knives Whether you are cutting vegetables or fighting to the death, this skill will ensure you get the job done right. Upgrade now and receive a free set of steak knives!
Nanoc gripped the knife tightly. It suddenly felt like it fit in his hand. Nanoc stepped forward and cut the toad¡¯s horns off, careful to keep his new pants clean. He passed the horns to Rotcel ¡®Loc. She pocketed them without enthusiasm. ¡°My thanks, kind stranger. My name is Rotcel ¡®Loc, and I am a treasure hunter. I seek out enchanted diamonds and rare artifacts, forgotten statues, cursed necklaces, and the like. This¡­¡± she waved dismissively at the fallen toads. ¡°This is basically agriculture. What if I earned a level in farmer, by the merciful gods? My family would never live it down.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t lizardling farm at all, then?¡± Nanoc asked. The lizardling scoffed, shaking her head in amusement and disgust. ¡°I¡ª¡± She glanced to one side and drew a throwing knife in her hand, holding it ready. ¡°Who goes there?¡± she demanded, staring at a bush. ¡°Hello!¡± Dren called out. ¡°Heroes? I think I found your missing blocker.¡± It was the dwarf, Pord. GLUP! had slammed the blocker so hard into the forest floor that he was embedded into the mud, face up but completely stuck. ¡°I can¡¯t get out,¡± he said grumpily. ¡°Does anyone have a shovel?¡± The other heroes gathered around, but only to laugh. None of them made any effor to help the dwarf out of the mud. Nanoc shook his head as the lack of loyalty or care the heroes showed each other. He walked forward and grabbed Pord by his armor. ¡°I¡¯ll help you get out,¡± he said. ¡°What are you going to do, gnome? Write the mud a stern letter?¡± Rellik mocked. ¡°Everyone knows gnomes are pathetic.¡± ¡°Not this gnome,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Watch this!¡± 18. Joining the guild 18. Joining the guild Pord the dwarven blocker had been body-slammed by GLUP! and embedded in the mud like a toy soldier pushed into soft cookie dough. He wasn¡¯t dead, though, because his shield bearer class was extremely strong against physical attacks. He strained and cursed but couldn¡¯t free himself. Nanoc bent over and grabbed him by the front of his armor.
Strength check: Successful!
Pord flew out of the ground and right into a tree with a thud. He fell back, concussed, sitting on the ground. He grabbed his head and muttered a curse. The concussion wouldn¡¯t be a problem: shield bearers were incredibly tough, which is why the Guild loved them. They had little in the way of defenses against poison, though, and poisons on GLUP!¡¯s skin had worked their way into Pord¡¯s system. ¡°I feel¡­¡± the dwarf said, then vomited bright green goo over himself and fell over. Nanoc knelt beside him. Having nearly died himself, Nanoc felt sorry for the hero. None of the other heroes seemed inclined to help their fallen party member. Rotcel ¡®Loc was staring glumly at the rain, the other heroes were on guard, and Rellik and Nial Liv had gone back to peering at their map. Nanoc shook his head. ¡°I can¡¯t help you,¡± he said. His new class had no skills in healing, not even first aid. ¡°Leave him alone, gnome,¡± Rellik snapped, looking up from his map. ¡°He¡¯ll be fine. We¡¯re paying him to take the big hits.¡± ¡°Sure¡­ but is he meant to be turning purple?¡± Nanoc asked. The fallen hero was white-faced and breathing far too quickly. Bright purple spots were appearing on his ears and quickly spreading. ¡°Ah,¡± Dren said, nodding with professional interest. ¡°He¡¯s been affected by quite a powerful toxin, I should think. Probably from the toad¡¯s skin. Pord, would you describe the sensation as a burning or more sort of pinpricks? The people who read my journals will be most interested to know.¡± Pord groaned and closed his eyes. Nanoc bent over the blocker to wipe some of the mud off his face, but Rellik put a massive hand on Nanoc¡¯s shoulder, crushing it a little. ¡°Are you a healer, gnome?¡± she hissed. ¡°Have you spells, or potions, or similar?¡± ¡°I¡ª no, I can make no such claim.¡± ¡°Then get out of the way!¡± She shoved Nanoc away, then bent over Pord, muttering a quiet spell of some kind. Whatever she was trying, it did nothing to help. ¡°Did you know,¡± Dren said cheerfully, ¡°That bane toads are an invasive species? It¡¯s a really interesting story. They were originally from the jungles of Uno, the first continent, but were brought to Sept in a misguided attempt to introduce predators for the local vampire bat population¡ª¡± His attempt at education was interrupted as whatever Rellik was trying to do backfired, and the purple dots on Pord¡¯s skin turned black. His helmet, with the words ¡®Deaths Fisst¡¯ written across it, was starting to corrode. The dwarf looked quite ill. ¡°I need¡­ an antidote!¡± Pord begged. ¡°Please!¡± This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it. Healer classes were rare amongst members of the Hero¡¯s Guild, and most senior heroes carried several potions of antidote and healing. Nail Liv had several, but hated to part with them. They were expensive. ¡°You! Mage!¡± Nial Liv called out to Dren. ¡°Help him!¡± ¡°Do you know, I¡¯m not sure that my skills are what we really need¡ª¡± Dren protested. ¡°Just do it!¡± Dren knelt down beside the fallen hero. The field scholar drew a pen from his robes and carefully corrected the spelling on the man¡¯s helmet so that it read ¡°Death¡¯s Fist.¡± ¡°That¡¯s much better. The apostrophe shows possession, you see,¡± he explained as the dwarf screamed. ¡°I meant for you to heal him!¡± Nail Liv shouted. ¡°Oh. No, I don¡¯t know how to do that,¡± Dren explained. ¡°You¡¯ll probably need a cleric or priest class for that¡­. although I assume you are carrying an antidote?¡± Nial Liv sighed and drew a potion from his pocket. He held in his hand but didn¡¯t hand to Pord. ¡°Ahhhrrrhhghg?¡± Pord gurgled, reaching for the potion. ¡°These potions cost an arm and a leg,¡± Nial Liv complained to Rellik. ¡°I don¡¯t want to waste one on this pathetic excuse for a blocker. He was meant to protect us, not get taken down by the first toad he sees.¡± ¡°He can hear you,¡± Nonac said, annoyed. ¡°He¡¯s not dead.¡± ¡°He¡¯s nearly dead,¡± Dren added helpfully. ¡°It really won¡¯t be long now.¡± ¡°We need him,¡± Rellik hissed. ¡°We¡¯ve already lost one blocker, so we can¡¯t let him die¡ª¡± ¡°Exactly!¡± Nonac proclaimed. ¡°¡ªyet,¡± Rellik continued. ¡°We need him to distract the necromancer. You know how powerful their spells can be, and I¡¯m not risking my own skin.¡± Nanoc wondered what had happened to the third blocker, the one now missing. Eaten by a toad, perhaps? Or fled? Either seemed likely. ¡°I hate working with these low-level amateurs,¡± Nial Liv complained, ignoring Pord. ¡°Remind me why we bother with them?¡± ¡°They¡¯re cheap, and nobody cares if they don¡¯t make it back. Look, we need him. Let¡¯s just get on with this before another party beats us to the necromancer,¡± Rellik said. ¡°Fine!¡± Nial Liv poured the potion into Pord¡¯s open mouth. The shieldbearer sighed with relief, then frowned, then screamed and passed out. The spots on his face began to pulse worryingly. ¡°This poison is too strong for the potion,¡± Rellik said. ¡°Obviously,¡± Nial Liv snapped. ¡°I have an idea,¡± Dren said, pushing past the heroes. ¡°Here, let¡¯s try¡­ Ereht Teh¡¯s teleport!¡± Pord¡¯s body flashed blue, and then he was gone. Dren turned around a broad smile on his face. It was met with a series of stony glares from the heroes. ¡°What have you done?¡± Rellik demanded., ¡°I sent him back to the Guild hall you came from,¡± Dren said. ¡°It was a major spell, but its worth it. He can be healed there.¡± ¡°What?¡± Nial Liv shouted, turning on the elf. The archer¡¯s face was blotchy and red from anger, and he spat out droplets of pure rage as he screamed. ¡°Why?¡± ¡°Do you know, I saved his life. Why are you so angry?¡± Dren asked, backing away. ¡°Guild rules state that a party of heroes expecting to face a powerful enemy must do so with the approved three, five or seven members,¡± Nanoc said, drawing on his experience with the Guild. ¡°It¡¯s a stupid rule, but you know how the empire is. If you¡¯d let Pord die, they could have claimed he¡¯d been killed by the necromancer, but now the Guild knows they¡¯re a hero down and ineligible to continue.¡± ¡°We can¡¯t turn back now,¡± Rellik was saying. ¡°Another group will get to the prize first and win the reward¡ª¡± ¡°But the Guild rules¡ª¡± ¡°We could just kill another person,¡± Rellik said thoughtfully, drawing a knife. ¡°We can change the party registration to five people when we get back at the Guild. Problem solved.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t fix every problem with murder and fraud,¡± Nial Liv said with a wicked smile. ¡°Can.¡± ¡°The guild rules are right, damn them, we do need more bodies to face the necromancer, or we risk our own lives,¡± Nial Liv said. ¡°Gnome! Elf! You are going to be our new blockers. Get over here so I can register you!¡± Rellik sighed, disappointed, and put her knife away. ¡°Elf, you are going to take us to this tower,¡± Nial Liv announced. ¡°How good are you at resisting powerful death magic? The type to kill a man with a single touch?¡± ¡°Um¡­ not very?¡± ¡°That will do. And gnome, you can join us, too. You are going to stand between me and the necromancer. Got it?¡± ¡°Absolutely not,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°There is no way I¡¯m joining the Guild, and there¡¯s absolutely nothing you can do to change my mind.¡± Rellik drew her axe and placed the blade against Dren¡¯s neck. She slid the blade just far enough to draw a bead of blood. The elf blinked, then glanced at Nanoc for help. Rellik grinned at Nanoc. ¡°Except that,¡± Nanoc conceded. ¡°Fine. Now, did someone say something about paperwork? Pass it here, then, we may as well do this properly.¡± 19. The Necromancer’s tower A black mountain rose out of the forest like an overly enthusiastic actor taking center stage for their monologue. A single winding path led upwards to a castle of white stone set halfway up the mountain. The towers were shaped like teeth, their battlements made of faded bones. The heroes crept towards it, their weapons drawn. Dark, daunting music could be heard playing within its walls, loud shrieks filled the air, and a skeleton hung from a tree by the path. ¡°Do you know, I passed this several days ago,¡± Dren explained. ¡°I wrote it all down in my notebook, look¡ª¡± That notebook was one of two reasons that Dren and Nanoc were still alive: Dren¡¯s notebooks were filled with a tiny mess of shorthand that only he could read, but it had led the party of heroes in rambling circles through the forest and to the tower. ¡°Here we will find the dread necromancer and the princess who he has taken prisoner, if she still lives,¡± Rotel ¡®Loc said, shivering. ¡°Necomancers are dangerous, fickle creatures. Stinking corpses serve him, for his is demon clothed in despair, without mercy for the living or respect for the death, consumed by horror, and¡ª" ¡°Hey, is that skeleton holding a violin?¡± Nanoc asked, pointing at the skeleton hanging from the tree. ¡°No,¡± Dren said, squinting. ¡°That¡¯s not a violin.¡± ¡°Good,¡± Nanoc muttered. ¡°I thought I was going mad.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a cello. Cellos are larger, and their strings are an octave lower than the violin. I¡¯m sure of it. I used to have one as a child, you know. I wasn¡¯t very good. I kept breaking the strings.¡± They regarded the cello-playing skeleton with some concern. It smiled back, as it had to, but didn¡¯t appear animated by magic or other forces. Even so, it was worrying. A skeleton with a spear or a sword was a dangerous enemy, but at least a known one. They would stab and they would slash, but a licensed hero was prepared for such skills. A musical skeleton, however, was unexpected. And it was the unexpected things that got heroes killed. ¡°Keep it down, you lot,¡± Nial Liv ordered. ¡°Do you see the path?¡± A single winding path led up towards the castle gates. It appeared to be the only way in. ¡°We¡¯re heading up the path,¡± Nial Liv ordered. ¡°Rotcel, take the gnome with you and scout ahead.¡± ¡°Surely we should find a less obvious way in?¡± Dren began. ¡°Our enemy will be expecting us to¡ª¡± ¡°Shut it, mage.¡± ¡°Do you know, my clas is actually that of a scholar. The difference is¡ª¡± ¡°I don¡¯t care. Lizard, why are you still here? I said to get moving.¡± ¡°Come on, gnome, a path full of traps is still safer than Nial Liv when his fury strikes,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc whispered. Nanoc took a moment to look back over his shoulder. Nial Liv and Rellik grinned back at him most unpleasantly and made keep-going motions with their hands. ¡°I¡­ don¡¯t know how to find traps,¡± Nanoc admitted. ¡°Ah,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, brightening. ¡°Well, avoidance of death is surely a talent worth cultivating. Allow me to take the lead so that I may demonstrate the less violent aspects of being a hero. Traps are fun, you know. As long as they don¡¯t kill you.¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc might have been an indifferent fighter, but the treasure hunter knew her traps. She liked to think of the sound of a trap snapping within inches of her face as a sort of encouragement, a nasty welcome, a promise that somewhere nearby was a treasure worth protecting. ¡°So¡­ we might not die?¡± Nanoc asked, a little surprised. ¡°Oh yes, gnome, we will probably still die, just not from snares or springs.¡± The lizardling looked quite excited by the very thought of finding a trap. She whistled to herself, the frills down her neck dancing in the wind. She paused on the path, then knelt down and stared at a tiny rock that looked, at least to Nanoc, as innocent as any rock could be. Rotcel ¡®Loc, however, simply shook her head, disappointed at the lack of challenge before her. ¡°See here, this rock is loose. Our foe sets a trigger below it, no doubt, to catch the unwary. A simple trap, unworthy of us.¡± Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°What shall we do?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°I¡ª¡± His foot caught a pebble and kicked it onto the rock Rotcel had pointed out. A bear trap erupted out of the soil and snapped shut with a loud clang. ¡°Step carefully, gnome,¡± the lizardling warned. ¡°We had best avoid the traps rather than risk triggering them. This was a crude and simple trap, but the others might set off an alarm.¡± ¡°Right. Good point.¡± Nanoc jumped over the next loose rock. Rotcel ¡®Loc nodded in approval, and pointed out the trap to the rest of the party. They all passed the trap safely and repeated the process several more times. Rotcel ¡®Lec took a little longer each time as the traps became more complex and challenging. ¡°This is too slow,¡± Rellik complained. ¡°The lizardling has us jumping over shadows and little rocks. These aren¡¯t even traps, she¡¯s just too scared to face the necromancer!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shook her head in annoyance but said nothing. ¡°Stop wasting time,¡± Rellik continued. ¡°What, is this rock a trap? No! Is this patch of dirt the gnome jumped over a trap? I don¡¯t think so.¡± Rellik stepped onto the dirt. Nothing happened. ¡°See? The lizardling is a¡ª¡± Long lines of wire burst out of the dirt and wound themselves around Rellik, holding him in place. Within moments, she was incapacitated but unharmed. She struggled, but the cords held her tightly, cutting into her skin. Several even forced themselves across her mouth, preventing her from talking. ¡°Ah,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said with some satisfaction. ¡°Our foe¡¯s early work was trivial, perhaps to lure us into a false sense of security. Here, they have shown great ingenuity in their work. Good for them.¡± ¡°Do you know, that wire looks like piano string?¡± Dren said. ¡°How interesting.¡± Rellik thrashed against the trap, but it simply held her tighter, squeezing her until her face turned purple. ¡°We need to get Rellik out,¡± Nial Liv ordered. ¡°Gnome, cut that string before she¡¯s strangled to death.¡± Nanoc drew his knife. From the corner of his eye, he could see Rotcel ¡®Loc shaking her head. ¡°I don¡¯t think¡ª¡± Nanoc began, but Nial Liv wasn¡¯t interested in caution. ¡°Get in there and cut the wire, or do I have to¡­ encourage you?¡± The elemental archer had an arrow nocked in his bow. He drew the string back slightly; the threat was clear. Nanoc sighed. ¡°Fine,¡± he muttered. ¡°Here goes nothing.¡± He stepped up to trap and cut one of the strings with his knife. It broke with a twang!
Disarm trap: Failed!
Rotcel ¡®Loc charged into Nanoc, crashing into him and pushing him away from the trap. A shadow grew around Rellik, and a second later, a piano dropped on her with a resounding crash! and a twang! sending bits of wooden shrapnel flying everywhere. Nanoc winced as splinters hit his back. Nial Liv ducked behind Dren, who created a shield of overlapping plates of light to protect himself. The air filled with dust and coughing. All that was left of the piano was a pile of broken struts and many untuned keys. ¡°Go and check if she¡¯s alive, gnome,¡± Nial Liv said. ¡°She¡¯s not,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°She¡¯s definitely¡ª¡± ¡°Go!¡± This time, Rotcel ¡®Loc simply shook her head and Nanoc stopped before he got too close. ¡°No thanks,¡± the gnome said. ¡°I order you too!¡± ¡°Yeah? But I don¡¯t like orders very much,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Or Order himself, if I¡¯m honest.¡± There was a stunned silence. For a gnome to be scared was to be expected, for a gnome to be defiant was unbelievable, but for a gnome to be so sacrilegious as to express a dislike of Order, second born of the gods, leader of the pantheon was¡­ it was¡­ There were no words for what it was, and even the thought was simply too large for any head to hold. Nial Liv couldn¡¯t deal with it. ¡°You, blocker, go free Rellik!¡± Nial Liv said at a his last human blocker. The blocker approached the piano cautiously, cowering behind his large shield. He reached the piano and tapped it cautiously with the tip of a knife. Only then did the piano start its encore: it exploded, a fireball bursting outward and upward, a searing heat that burnt Nanoc¡¯s eyebrows off and blistered his skin, taking several more health points. All that was left of the piano was a ring of black soil and a couple of white keys glowing red hot. That was still more than was left of the blocker: an empty shoe flopped to the ground beside Nanoc. It was smoking. ¡°Did you still want me to check if Rellik¡¯s alive?¡± Nanoc asked, poking the shoe with his foot. Rellik was gone, as were the blocker and striker sent to rescue her. Only Nial Liv, Nanoc, Dren, Rotcel¡¯ Loc and the wounded elven striker had survived. Nial Liv glared at Nanoc. ¡°We¡¯ve lost the element of surprise now. We need to hurry.¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc and found no more traps. Nor did they see any skeletons. They reached the castle gates without any challenge at all. ¡°What are they waiting for?¡± Dren asked. ¡°They must know we¡¯re here. The piano trap was loud enough to wake the dead.¡± The castle gates were ghastly black slaps covered in skulls and strange symbols. The gates were thick and heavy, designed to hold back an army while shut. And yet they were not closed, or at least not entirely. They were open just wide enough to allow the heroes to squeeze through. There was movement behind the door, and noise, too. The skeletons were waiting. ¡°What¡¯s our plan?¡± Dren asked. ¡°There is no time for subtly; we simply charge in. Gnome, you go first and see if you can distract the foul mage. Elf, you go right after him. With a bit of luck he¡¯ll be too busy killing you to notice us.¡± That was the second reason Nanoc and Dren had been forced to join the party of heroes: they were the meat shield, the sacrificial bodies. Nanoc sighed. He was a barbarian by class, but even so, the plan to ¡®just charge in¡¯ sounded terrible, particularly if he was going first. On the other hand, smart plans took time and it was rude to keep their enemy waiting. Dren cast the protective spell called hardback on himself and Nanoc, and their skin became thick and leathery like a hardcover book. ¡°That¡¯s the best protective spell I have,¡± Dren whispered. It would have to do. Nanoc grabbed one of the doors and pulled it with all his strength, opening it wide enough that the whole party could walk in together. It was time to confront the necromancer or DIE TRYING. 20. Necro--- what? The doors to the Necromancer¡¯s castle opened, and the party of heroes charged in. Nanoc was first. He held a small axe in one hand, and had the other hand raised in a fist. ¡°Charge! Charge! I¡­ wait, what?¡± Nanoc yelled, then stopped suddenly. The other heroes barged into his back, knocking him over. They, too, were struck dumb by the sight before them. They were standing inside an abandoned theatre with rows of rotting chairs to one side and a stage to the other. On the stage, posed dramatically in the light, stood the necromancer, dressed in a black robe with a crown of black horns on his head. He was flanked by a dozen skeletons carrying guitars and drums, and chained to the wall at the back of the stage was a young woman dressed in torn red robes. Her head was low, and she appeared to be sleeping. ¡°That¡¯s Princess Aiel!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc whispered to Nanoc. ¡°We were sent here to rescue her from the evil necromancer!¡± Skeletons in the orchestra pit band began to play, the music loud and rhythmic. The skeletons on stage swayed from side to side. ¡°I am Gnos!¡± the necromancer shouted out in a surprisingly clear voice. ¡°Welcome¡­ to my dread theatre!¡± He struck a dramatic pose, hand pointing at the air. The skeleton drummer beat out an intense rhythm that resonated through Nanoc¡¯s body and into his heart. ¡°You¡¯ve come to take my life!¡± Gnos sang. ¡°Ah hah!¡± the skeleton chorus added. ¡°You¡¯ve come to bring me strife!¡± ¡°Ah hah!¡± ¡°You¡¯ve come to take what I treasure, but as you will see, I have pow¡¯r beyond measure!¡± Lights flashed, a skeleton smashed the cymbals enthusiastically, and a line of skeletons crossed the stage, their legs kicking in time to the music. The princess, chained up on the wall, nodded her head along with the undead, and Gnos leaped into the air and kicked his heels up. The necromancer cartwheeled across the stage into the waiting arms of four more skeletons who threw him into a backflip so that he landed center stage, still dancing. The party of heroes looked at this spectacle with wonder and, it must be said, with quite a lot of disbelief. Nanoc stood tapping his foot to the beat, but the others were less pleased. ¡°What the hell is this¡ª¡± Nial Liv started, but he was interrupted by the second verse. ¡°I was born with horns on my head!¡± Gnos continued. ¡°Ah hah!¡± ¡°I was born with control of the dead!¡± ¡°Ah hah!¡± ¡°I was born to be supervillainous, and as you can see I am totally killing this!¡± The skeletal drummer started a solo as the necromancer began break dancing, spinning on his head and doing the worm across the stage before leaping back to his feet. As he did so, Nial Liv raised his bow. Lines of white energy gathered around the arrow tip as the archer readied a tornado shot. The arrow hit Gnos in the chest, and a tornado erupted around him, flinging him in circles before slamming him into the ceiling, a wall, and finally, the floor. The arrow itself spun in the air, then hit him in the chest, pinning him to the floor. The skeletons panicked, all dropping their instruments except for the drummer, who was so caught up in the moment that he kept playing, the resounding thud and bong echoing through the darkness. The princess chained to the wall jerked her head up, suddenly very awake. ¡°What was that all about?¡± the princess shouted. ¡°Chorus! Get them!¡± The skeleton chorus surged forward, throwing bits of old props and painted scenery at the heroes. Nial Liv was already standing out of range at the back of the theatre. He¡¯d never been too enthusiastic about getting up close to his enemies; that was what junior heroes were for. He shouted for his party to get close to the stage, but the only one who listened was the elven striker. Rotcel ¡®Loc ducked behind a pillar, and even Dren squatted under a shield of glowing books which sparkled brightly as rubbish bounced off. Nanoc was far less prepared. ¡°We¡¯ll be fine,¡± he called out. ¡°They¡¯re only throwing¡ª" A wooden leg hit Nanoc in the head so hard that it knocked him off his feet. This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
Critical damage! The HARDBACK spell has saved you from instant death!
Nanoc dived behind one of the theatre¡¯s decaying seats as rotten tomatoes and rusty metal scraps rained overhead. The leg that had hit him lay on the ground beside him. He picked it up thoughtfully; it was a prop but still a solid piece of wood. His hands fit perfectly around the ankle. He waved it around; it felt dangerous.
Makeshift weapon skill activated! Drama Club: While originally intended for a skit about a three-legged man, this leg is highly effective as a bludgeoning weapon. It also confuses the hell out of most enemies. Two-handed. +3 to concussion attacks. Enemies suffer -1 intelligence when attacked with this club. Instant death attack for Theatre critics.
Nanoc looked over the top of the chair he was hiding behind and was caught in the eye by an old paintbrush. He ducked back down as props and odds and ends rained down around him, ¡°Stop hiding, you losers!¡± Nial Liv shouted from the back of the theatre. ¡°Gnome! Get out there and draw their fire!¡± He fired an arrow at the skeletons, hitting one in the ribcage. The skeleton fell over with a squawk, bones flying across the wooden stage. The princess screamed out in rage. Rotcel ¡®Loc popped out from behind a chair and threw a spinning metal disc, which smacked a skeleton between the eyes, knocking it off its feet. In return, a particularly tall skeleton threw a pot of paint at the lizardling, sending her rolling beneath a chair. The paint hit the ground and exploded, spraying green paint everywhere. ¡°Get the skeletons!¡± Nial Liv demanded of his party. ¡°Get the intruders!¡± the chained princess ordered the skeletons. ¡°Wait!¡± Nanoc yelled as loudly as he could. Barbarians were a charismatic class, and a loud one, too. Dren paused, a green fireball balanced on his fingertips, and everyone looked at Nanoc, even the skeletons. The gnome stood up, holding out a hand for peace. ¡°This isn¡¯t right,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Why are you so angry with us, Princess Aiel? Apart from how we interrupted the evil monologue, I mean. That was just rude.¡± ¡°It was more a song-alogue, actually,¡± Dren said helpfully. ¡°Because he was singing. Quite a high sing skill, too, I¡¯d guess.¡± ¡°Who cares! We need to retrieve the princess and kill the necromancer head to complete the reward. We don¡¯t make a song and dance about it!¡± Nial Liv hissed. ¡°I wasn¡¯t dancing!¡± ¡°You know what I mean, gnome! Let¡¯s kill the skeletons and rescue the princess!¡± ¡°Rescue me?¡± the princess asked, amazed. The chains holding her to the wall dropped off, revealing themselves to be nothing more than wooden props, and she stood up. ¡°Why would I need rescuing? Chorus, take five! Idiot heroes, explain yourselves!¡± Aiel was a noble by class and spoke with such a high authority skill that there was no chance of anyone disobeying. The skeletons paused their attack, some sitting down, one striking up a cigarette. Nanoc stood, his new drama club resting on one shoulder. He waved at a skeleton holding a trombone; the skeleton waved back. ¡°Your father sent us to kill the necromancer and take you home, princess,¡± Nial Liv called out. ¡°And he¡¯ll make us rich when we do.¡± ¡°No,¡± the princess said icily. ¡°I¡¯m delighted with where I am, thank you, and I do not want anyone killing my boyfriend. Obviously.¡± The heroes all looked at the dead necromancer, then back at the princess, then back to the necromancer. ¡°Do you know, I don¡¯t think he¡¯s actually dead,¡± Dren said. ¡°Look, his foot is still tapping to the beat of the music.¡± It was true. ¡°He can¡¯t help himself,¡± the princess explained with an exasperated sigh. ¡°He just loves the music.¡± Gnos opened his eyes and smiled. ¡°I suppose acting has never been my strongest skill,¡± he admitted, still lying down. ¡°Can I finish my song now?¡± ¡°Yes,¡± Nanoc said at the same time as Nial Liv said ¡®No!¡± Princess Aiel knelt beside the fallen Gnos and took his hand, checking he was okay. Rotcel ¡®Loc stood sheepishly by the side of the stage. She faced a conundrum: how could they rescue someone who didn¡¯t want to be rescued? She had no idea, nor any training that could help. The Guild of Heroes taught law in great detail but avoided ethics entirely. ¡°Perhaps the necromancer¡¯s dark magic has hold over your heart, princess? Rotcel ¡®Loc asked. ¡°Do you know, I detect no magic,¡± Dren said. ¡°And I¡¯m actually a necro-dancer,¡± Gnos explained, trying to sit up but finding himself still pinned down by the arrow. ¡°The two classes share some common skills, but the major difference is¡ª¡± A second arrow hit the necrodancer in the chest and he fell backward. The skeletons swore and started to throw rubbish again, and the princess ran to Gnos¡¯s side and threw her body over his to protect him. Nial Liv sent half a dozen arrows flying at the stage. They exploded wherever they hit, sending out sprays of ice-cold air that froze the skeletons in place. ¡°Nanoc! Get the princess!¡± Nial Liv shouted from the back of the theatre. ¡°But¡ª" ¡°We aren¡¯t getting paid to care who they are or wat they want! Do it!¡± Nanoc leaped onto the stage to shield Gnos. The princess was quick: she drew a knife from her belt and held it against the gnome¡¯s throat before the gnome could even move. The blade was razor sharp; he could feel a drop of blood flowing down his throat. ¡°Don¡¯t do anything stupid!¡± the princess snapped, and Nanoc stood quite still. Nial Liv came storming down the theater stairs, bow raised. ¡°You can kill the gnome if you like,¡± he told the princess. ¡°I don¡¯t care.¡± ¡°He really doesn¡¯t,¡± Rotcel Loc agreed, then added quietly, ¡°he¡¯s a terrible boss, now that I think about it.¡± The princess shook her head, not hurting Nanoc but not letting him go. ¡°Gnos is not dangerous,¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t know what they told you, but¡ª¡± ¡°Stunshot!¡± The blunt arrow hit the princess in her forehead, lifting her off her feet. The noble class was not meant for fighting, and the princess hit the ground with a thud. Nanoc cursed; Nial Liv already had another arrow nocked and aimed at Gnos. Nanoc jumped over the actor¡¯s body, shielding him. ¡°Get out of my way, gnome!¡± Nial Liv said. ¡°You know what?¡± Nanoc replied, shifting his grip on his drama club. ¡°I don¡¯t think I will! Come on and give me a fair fight if you dare!¡±
DUEL DECLARED! Defeat Nial Liv or DIE TRYING! This seems like a terrible idea! The banana loves it! Abilities reset! Fight! 21. The duel ¡°A duel has been declared!¡± Gnos called out grandly, getting up from his position on the ground. ¡°What a wonderful and dramatic thing to happen in our little theatre! Excellent! Duelists, I beg that you separate to best prepare yourselves!" The two combatants separated into their corners of the stage. The skeletons left the stage, filling the stairs and into theatre seats. Gnos took center stage as the referee and master of ceremonies. Nial Liv growled; it was clear that he would have preferred to simply shoot Nanoc and get it over with, but there was little he could do, for duels were very popular with the gods and they expected certain rituals to be observed. Nial Liv stalked over to his side of the stage, gesturing Rotcel ¡®Loc and the elven striker to his side. ¡°You, elf, get behind the gnome and be ready with your blade if I demand it. Scout, circle around and take the princes,¡± he told her. ¡°We will not be returning to the Guild empty-handed.¡± The elven striker looked less than pleased at being asked to interfere with a duel, but the lizardling simply refused. The scout shook her head. ¡°I can¡¯t help, it would distract Nanoc and give you an unfair advantage. A duel is between two people¡ª¡± ¡°I will fight the gnome; you will get the princess. Do as I say, or else the Guild will know why,¡± he whispered. ¡°If I die, they will call in all of your debts¡­ and your skull as a bonus.¡± On the far side of the stage, Dren stood at Nanoc¡¯s side and spoke softly to the gnome. ¡°Do you know, I don¡¯t think you will win, gnome,¡± Dren whispered. ¡°He¡¯s got to be at least twenty levels above you, and he¡¯s got a bow, you see. He¡¯ll just shoot you before you get to him.¡± Dren was not terribly familiar with sporting traditions, and so his pre-match speech was probably the worst ever given. The good news was that Nanoc wasn¡¯t listening. He was staring at his opponent, wondering how best to take him down.
NANOC THE GNOME Health: 6/14 BARBARIAN| Level 3 Skills: Hand-to-hand combat, drinking, shouting, singing badly, identify enemy, makeshift weaponry, looking great when sweaty, good with knives Abilities: Berserk! (2 uses per day), incredible strength (5 uses per day), retribution (1 uses per day) CLERK| Level 9 Skills: Paperwork, filing, taking notes, counting, boring stuff Abilities: Speed reading (50 per day), finding folders (10 per day), avoiding the blame (1 per day)
It didn¡¯t look good. He was convincingly out levelled. He should have been scared but he was feeling oddly elated. He was probably the first gnome to fight in a duel! And the first gnome to die in one, too, he conceded, but that would mean two firsts in one day, which was pretty good. He¡¯d die feeling proud. Nanoc grinned as he took his position. On the far side of the stage, Nial Liv was scowling. ¡°Stop smiling, gnome! You are going to die! You¡¯ve brought a stick to a bow fight,¡± he called out. Nanoc smiled. ¡°This is no stick! This is my drama club. Today¡¯s lesson is¡ª¡± ¡°Fight!¡± Gnos shouted. Nial Liv shot an arrow; Nanoc lashed out with his club. The arrow hit his club and ricocheted off between the ribs of a passing skeleton, bounced off the pen in Dren¡¯s hand, reflected off a rafter and hit Nial Liv in the ass. ¡°¡ªphysical comedy,¡± Nanoc finished. ¡°Because kicking your ass is going to be hilarious!¡± He leaped forward, rolling into a crouch. He was moving again as three arrows slammed into the ground where he had been. Nial Liv swore, dropping his bow and drawing his sword as Nanoc ran at him. The hero slashed at the gnome, who deflected the attack with his drama club. They traded blows back and forth, but although Nial Liv was at a much higher level, he wasn¡¯t winning. He¡¯d spent his years as a hero yelling and shooting from the back of the party, relying on others to do any stabbing or blocking required. He had neglected his combat skills, while Nanoc¡¯s skills were all on display. After all, the gnome was a barbarian, and his class was optimized for a brawl. Nanoc was also having a lot more fun. He wasn¡¯t thinking about dying, or losing, or even winning, only of how cool it was to be in a real-life duel. He dodged and dived, shoulder barged, swore, taunted, struck, ducked, and shot bananas at his enemy''s feet. Nial Liv cursed the gnome, growing increasingly frustrated as he could not hit the little barbarian. The archer stabbed, the gnome twisted out of the way; the gnome swung his club, and the archer parried just in time. It was a stalemate. The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. But Nial Liv had not gotten as far as he had in the guild by losing, not even when the rules demanded it. He couldn¡¯t win a fair fight; he didn¡¯t need to. He looked to where Rotcel Loc was lurking in the shadows right behind the princess, in the perfect position to to grab her. ¡°Lizardling! Get her!¡± Nial Liv ordered. The lizardling hesitated, then grabbed the princess and quickly tied her up. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc called out. ¡°It¡¯s not personal, I just have to do what I¡¯m told.¡± ¡°No, you don¡¯t!¡± Nanoc told her. ¡°I don¡¯t?¡± the lizardling replied, surprised. Years of working for the guild had taught her to follow both Order and guild orders or face the punishment. That was the way things were, and she had not, until just then, considered that they could be better. She stood beside the princess, knife in hand, confused. ¡°You have a point, gnome, I¡ª" Nanoc threw his drama club overhand. It caught the lizardling in the side and knocked her over. Nial Liv used the distraction to attack, but Nanoc ducked under Nial Liv¡¯s sword, rolled to one side, and sprinted to the fallen lizardling. She lay quite still as if struck down by the gods themselves. ¡°Ah!¡± Nanoc said apologetically, ¡°No, I didn¡¯t mean to¡ª¡± One of Rotcel ¡®Locs eyes flicked open in a wink: she was a far better actor than Gnos. Nanoc nodded slightly ¨C the scout was rebelling in the only way she could: she was quiet quitting her job by pretending to be dead. He wholeheartedly approved. ¡°Some god must have chosen you as their plaything, gnome,¡± Nial Liv spat. ¡°But they will get bored of keeping you alive! Elf! Stab the gnome!¡± ¡°Do you know, I don¡¯t think I¡ª¡± Dren said, but the hero wasn¡¯t talking to him. Rotcel ¡®Loc had been an insufficient distraction. It was time for a more direct approach. The wounded elven striker had worked his way behind Nanoc. The elf glanced at Nial Liv, who nodded fiercely, so the striker drew a knife and stabbed at Nanoc. It should have caught the gnome right in the back of his neck, but time slowed as the blade reached Nanoc, stopping just before the blade touched flesh. Smoke erupted across the theatre, and a masked figure descended from the scaffolding above the stage. ¡°What cheap trick¡ª¡± Nial Liv said, but then the figure raised a hand and the hero fell silent. Waves of magical energy erupted across the room, freezing everyone in place, making their hearts beat until their chests might burst. This was no simple intruder; this was a goddess. The observers were filled with awe, terror, and a strange inspiration to paint something. ¡°That¡¯s Muse,¡± Gnos gasped. ¡°My goddess, what an honor! Quick, somebody hands me a trombone! No, a piano! A pen! I need to write this down!¡± It was true: Muse, the thirteenth born of the second generation of the gods, had been passing by to check on Gnos when she saw the duel. She turned, her whole body floating in the air, and faced the elven hero who had broken the rules of the duel. Muse shook her head sadly, then showed her displeasure in the traditional way of her family: lightning leaped from her fingers and hit the elf. He exploded, leaving only a pair of smoking boots behind. Then she waved a hand at Nial Liv, who gasped as he lost almost all of his health. Then Muse got bored, as she always did, and left. Gnos desperately scribbled musical notes on the wall, but his writing slowed as the goddess left, leaving the work unfinished. ¡°Come on! I was so close!¡± Gnos complained and slammed his head into the wall. He was not the only one who was angry. ¡°You¡¯re a cheat!¡± Nanoc shouted at Nial Liv. ¡°We had something cool going on here, and you had to spoil it! That makes me really¡­ really angry!¡± Not just angry, but berserk! Nanoc rushed forward with a burst of speed. Nial Liv muttered a curse and began to glow bright green. He always had a few abilities left for emergencies, and losing a duel to a gnome was about as much of an emergency as could exist. The ability, green glider, made his movements much faster. He side stepped Nanoc, moving with an impossible grace and speed, then stabbed at the gnome. He¡¯d a bunch of his abilities at once to finally kill the gnome, and his block landed right on Nanoc¡¯s unprotected heart. It should have killed the gnome instantly, but the banana appeared under the blow, blocking it. Nial Liv stared at the magical fruit in stunned disbelief. ¡°I didn¡¯t need your help,¡± Nanoc shouted at it, but the fruit did not apologize. Nanoc¡¯s drama club whipped through the air and caught Nial Liv in the knee with a loud crack that echoed through the theatre. The skeletons in the audience let out a cheer as the archer fell to the ground. Nial Liv reached for a knife on his belt, but Nanoc slammed his club down into the archer''s arm with a thump. Nial Liv shouted in pain, the skeletons excitedly hooted, and Nanoc grinned.
Duel complete! You are the winner! Reward: Bragging rights!
Nial Liv was beaten. Nanoc sagged a little as his rage left him. ¡°Surprise!¡± Nanoc said. ¡°You¡¯ve been gnomed!¡± Nanoc¡¯s victory was met with shouts of approval and the click-clack of skeletons clapping their hands, but his attempt at a catchphrase was not received with great enthusiasm. ¡°Did he just use ¡®gnomed¡¯ as a verb?¡± Dren asked the nearest skeleton, who nodded uncertainly. ¡°I didn¡¯t like it,¡± the princess said, helping Rotcel ¡®Loc up. ¡°It¡¯s poor grammar.¡± ¡°And wouldn¡¯t that mean¡­ like audited or something?¡± Dren asked. ¡°That¡¯s the sort of thing gnomes do, right?¡± Some of the more traditional skeletons were concerned that the duel had not ended in death. ¡°Finish him!¡± a skeleton shouted out. ¡°Thumbs down!¡± another agreed. But Nanoc didn¡¯t. As much as he disliked Nial Liv, it felt wrong to kill him. Instead, the gnome stood, planting one of his feet on the archer¡¯s chest, and stuck a victorious pose. ¡°I hate you, gnome!¡± Nial Liv hissed up at him. ¡°The Guild will hunt you down for this! You will never rest!¡± He pulled a teleport scroll from his pocket, and he was gone with a flash of light. All that remained was a cloud of greasy green smoke, a broken bow, and a small coin pouch. Nanoc prodded the pouch with his toe, just in case. It felt full. Nanoc nodded, satisfied. ¡°I can¡¯t believe I survived that,¡± he said. ¡°Rejoice, for a god rose from the shadows to strike down your enemy,¡± Gnos told him grandly. ¡°Really? Neat. So¡­ how about you finish your song, Gnos, and I can send you to an early grave.¡± 22. Skeleton freedom! ¡°Wait, why do you want to fight me?¡± Gnos protested, backing away from the insane gnome. ¡°I thought the other guy was the bad one.¡± ¡°I¡¯d described my alignment as good¡­ish,¡± Nanoc conceded. ¡°But Chaotic goodish.¡± There was a startled intake of breath from those who could still breathe and a clacking of jaw bones from those who couldn¡¯t. Rotcel ¡®Loc hid under a chair; Dren dropped his pen. For anyone to invoke the name of Chaos was dangerous beyond belief. Order, who led the pantheon, had instructed the other gods to punish any mention of his sister. And yet Nanoc wasn¡¯t struck down. Muse had grown bored after the duel and moved on, as she so often did, missing her chance to smite the gnome, had she wanted to. She wouldn¡¯t have. Muse had liked Chaos. The Static Empire was no place for great art. ¡°The Guild hates you now, gnome, and they won¡¯t reward you for this,¡± Princess Aiel protested. ¡°Why do you need to fight?¡± Nanoc waved at the skeletons. ¡°How can I let you keep them as slaves, their souls trapped in old bones? It¡¯s not right,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°We aren¡¯t slaves!¡± one of the skeletons protested. ¡°We¡¯ve never been more free!¡± ¡°What? But I thought¡ª¡± ¡°Do you know how wonderful it is as an artist not to worry about bills, or rent, or buying the week''s groceries? Being dead is magic, I tell you, absolute magic,¡± the skeleton argued. ¡°Yeah,¡± agreed one of the drummers. ¡°We can play every day, if we want to. Nobody stops us.¡± ¡°You¡­ like being an undead?¡± Dren asked. The skeletons shrugged and grinned. They had to, of course, but now they meant it. ¡°We used to go from town to town, playing at the local inns for pennies, but one day on the road, we were killed by breakfast when that nibbins over there failed his forage skill and mistook Death¡¯s Head mushrooms for everyday butter mushrooms.¡± ¡°I said I was sorry,¡± the skeleton identified as the nibbins said. ¡°How many times¡ª¡± ¡°It was for the best. Gnos found us a few hours later and brought us back. We rented this place from a djinn, and we¡¯ve been practicing our new show ever since. It¡¯s going to be a huge hit!¡± ¡°And Aiel?¡± Princess Aiel laughed, a strangely cheerful sound in the darkness of the theatre. She knelt beside Gnos and pulled the arrow from his chest. ¡°Gnos and I are in love,¡± she laughed. ¡°We¡¯re getting married next month. A little ceremony, just an undead minister and a few ghoul friends¡ª" ¡°So¡­ you ran away from home for love?¡± Dren asked. Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit. ¡°No!¡± Aiel snapped. ¡°I¡¯m twenty-three and a noble of the seventh level, not a child to be ordered about. Besides, running is for servants. I strolled away, slowly and elegantly, with a song in my heart and a smile on my lips.¡± ¡°But your father posted a quest to rescue you at the local branch of the Heroes¡¯ Guild,¡± Dren protested. ¡°How can you explain that?¡± ¡°Oh, very easily. Dad¡¯s an idiot,¡± the princess said, scowling. ¡°He wants me to be a noble and spend my life ruling and gossiping, or whatever they do. I refuse. I¡¯m changing my primary class to dark dramatist. I want to sing, dance, and raise skeletons without asking permission first. You know, the good life.¡± Gnos, the necromancer and his troupe of singing skeletons nodded in agreement. It seemed the thing was quite settled. ¡°So¡­ can we hear the rest of the song, then?¡± Dren asked. ¡°I¡¯d like to include it in my notes.¡± ¡°Of course! But the chorus needs to freshen up, you know. War is so bad for the vocal cords. Give us a minute.¡± Gnos and his crew disappeared into theatre wings, and after a few moments, the sound of off-key instruments filled the air. The trio of adventurers sat on the edge of the stage and stared out at the lines of moldy chairs in the amphitheater. ¡°Do you know, this has surely been the most exciting day of my life,¡± Dren said. ¡°I have learned a lot, and even gained a level. Perhaps we should travel a while together, Nanoc?¡± The thought had occurred to the field scholar when Muse was in the room, a devinely inspired partnership. Nanoc agreed. ¡°Are you sure about that?¡± he said. ¡°I¡¯ll be a little¡­ chaotic.¡± Dren winced, but nodded eagerly. ¡°And what about you?¡± he asked Rotcel ¡®Loc. The lizardling was staring at her scaly feel. She had been thinking about the her fate. ¡°A cold wind blows across my heart, for I have betrayed my party, denied my leader''s order and defied the Guild,¡± she said dramatically, perhaps due to being in a theatre. ¡°I must return to the guild to face my punishment. I¡ª¡± ¡°Eh,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Why go back?¡± ¡°For duty! For debt!¡± she lamented. ¡°I serve the Guild¡ª¡± ¡°Your party leader turned his back on you,¡± Dren reminded her. ¡°That¡­ is true. He was a colossal ass. But I am bound to work for the Guild.¡± ¡°We¡¯re still registered to the Guild, so if you travel with us you¡¯re technically still with the Guild. Come with us,¡± Nanoc suggested. ¡°Those heroes seemed like jerks, really.¡± ¡°I nearly betrayed you by abducting the princess!¡± the lizardling protested. ¡°And I nearly had beans for breakfast,¡± Nanoc replied. ¡°It¡¯s a good thing we both came to our senses before anyone was hurt. So, what do you say?¡± ¡°Well¡­ I may walk with you, for a while,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said cautiously. It was not like she had a lot of choice. Disobeying a party leader was one of the Guild¡¯s cardinal sins, and her return would likely result in a short conversation with a long sword. ¡°We¡¯re going to do the song outside!¡± Gnos yelled out from somewhere in the theatre wings, ¡°It will be even better under the stars!¡± ¡°Sounds good,¡± Nanoc said, hopping to his feet and helping Dren up. Rotcel ¡®Loc did not follow them. Her treasure sense was tingling, and she never ignored it. It guided her to the side of the stage where Gnos¡¯s crown lay. She picked it up and used her appraisal skill: The crown was made of black bones wired carefully together to form a circle and crest. Dark gems were mounted in pairs along the bones like eyes staring out of the abyss. It looked impressive, but none of it was real. The bones were made from plaster, and the gems were glass. A small tuning fork had been hiding along one ear, and the inside was padded with old rags. It was a prop, after all. A unique prop, likely filled with magic. Nobody else in the world could claim to have anything like it. Rotcel ¡®Loc looked around guiltily. ¡°Can I have this?¡± she asked quietly. Nobody replied. Nobody was looking. The temptation was too much. She slipped the crown into her tunic and raced after Nanoc, heading for the after-party. 23. The Very Badlands 23 The Very Badlands After leaving behind both the lands of GLUP! and Mary¡¯s farm, Nanoc and his friends set out north, away the Guild of Heroes and Nial Liv¡¯s rage. While the Static Empire had spread neatly across most of the world Below, there were still parts into which Order¡¯s influence did not reach. On the northern part of the island of Sept lay one such pocket of wild rebellion, an enormous crater that stretched from horizon to horizon. The crater was surrounded by a ragged border of cliffs that were broken in a few places, allowing entry. The crater sloped downward from its edge into a wild mess of forests and rivers, narrow mountains, and grim monoliths built on low hills. Nanoc and his friends stood on the edge of the crater. They could see smoke rising from hundreds of little fires, and several large plumes that suggested either towns or forest fires. The crater was a jumbled, confusing mess, nothing like the empire. ¡°Do you know, we agreed to leave the empire, yet it appears that we are heading directly back towards its center,¡± Dren said, looking at the map in his hands rather than the massive crater in front of him. ¡°That¡¯s because you¡¯re holding the map upside down. Pass it here,¡± Rotcel ¡®Lec said patiently, holding out a hand. Dren, who could get lost in a shoebox, happily handed the map to the lizardling scout, who turned it the right way around and scanned it quickly. ¡°We¡¯re on the edge of what the empire has mapped,¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t want to scare you, but this crater is the start of the Very Badlands.¡± ¡°Why would that scare us?¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Ah!¡± Dren shouted in pure excitement. The field scholar bounced excitedly, pens and books spilling from his pockets and flying everywhere. ¡°Do you know, I have always wanted to visit the Very Badlands,¡± Dren said. ¡°So little is known about it. Many scholars have set out to study it¡ª" ¡°But few have returned?¡± Nanoc guessed. ¡°Oh, parts of them have returned,¡± Dren said, loyal to his kind. ¡°And in several cases their journals have been recovered. They make for fascinating reading.¡± ¡°It is a wild place,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, shaking her head. ¡°A dangerous place. A place¡ª¡± ¡°Filled with treasure?¡± Nanoc suggested. The lizardling treasure hunter smiled slightly. ¡°Maybe.¡± The Guild seldom went this far north, which meant they hadn¡¯t yet stolen everything worth having. ¡°It¡¯s a strange name,¡± Nanoc said as they walked. ¡°The Very Badlands. I can¡¯t see a lot of tourists wanting to visit.¡± ¡°Do you know, the people who lived here have been campaigning to change the name for decades,¡± Dren explained. ¡°The orc businesswoman, Ediug Ruot, petitioned to change the name to Hunter¡¯s Paradise. The idea gained much support from the locals, and the university¡¯s map makers agreed to make the change official. There was a big day of celebration for the renaming ceremony and everything.¡± They kept walking. Nanoc waited for Dren to continue his story, but the elf had been distracted by a tiny insect with six wings as it fluttered by. ¡°And then what happened, Dren?¡± Rocel ¡®Loc prompted the scholar. ¡°Hmmm? With what?¡± ¡°With the renaming ceremony?¡± ¡°Oh, there was a rain of zombie scorpions, apparently. If the rumors are true, Ediug Ruot herself was eaten by one. There wasn¡¯t much interest in changing the name after that.¡± Nanoc laughed, Rotcel shivered. The Very Badlands was filled with little kingdoms and queendoms, small states, and rebellious free cities that refused to be part of anyone else¡¯s vision of unity. Each nation had its own culture, its own money, its own laws, And its own problems. This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. ¡°¡­one of the zombie scorpions later went on to win a position on the town council,¡± Dren continued as the trio walked down a narrow path through the forest. ¡°Where it made important contributions to local law outlawing the production of holy water¡ª" There was a rustle in the forest. Something was moving through the undergrowth, keeping track of Nanoc and his friends. Rotcel ¡®Loc drew a knife, holding it at her side. ¡°¡ªthird case of undead politicians that year, not including vampires, of course¡ª¡± ¡°Why not including vampires?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°Do you know, it¡¯s too hard to tell the difference between a vampire politician and a regular one. Anyway¡ª" ¡°Everyone be quiet,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc snapped, drawing a knife. ¡°Don¡¯t get so angry, Dren wasn¡¯t even being boring this time,¡± Nanoc protested. The lizardling scout rolled her eyes. ¡°There¡¯s something in the trees nearby,¡± she said. ¡°Something nasty, something foul. I don¡¯t recognize the smell.¡± ¡°Good,¡± Nanoc said, nodding. ¡°I was getting bored of all this walking, and I wanted to fight something. Let me know if it''s going to jump out at us.¡± Their path through the forest took them over a rickety wooden bridge. Rotcel ¡®Loc sniffed the air uncertainly but then stepped onto the bridge. A voice called out from beneath them as she and the others were halfway over. ¡°Psst! King Naem keeps kidnapped puppies in his dungeon,¡± the voice said. ¡°He sacrifices them to demons in exchange for magic! The sheriff won¡¯t do anything about it, but it¡¯s true!¡± ¡°Do you know, that doesn¡¯t sound true at all,¡± Dren said, frowning as she leaned over the side of the bridge. ¡°Who said that? Where are you?¡± ¡°You¡¯ll never hear the truth from the town criers,¡± the voice under the bridge continued. ¡°They¡¯re part of the puppy sacrificing, too!¡± Nanoc had his flamin¡¯ pitchfork ready for a fight, but the enemy was too well concealed. The little gnome sighed, annoyed. He was a gnome of simple if violent pleasures, and he hated working too hard for his fights. ¡°I think I saw¡­ I don¡¯t know, something big and green and hairy under the bridge,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°I don¡¯t know what it was.¡± ¡°King Naem caused the plague of blood-drinking ticks that ran through the city of Um last year, too! He did it to make people want to give up their puppies!¡± ¡°Plague of¡­ no, there was no report of any plague in Um last year,¡± Dren said, frowning. ¡°Except for a small plague of frogs.¡± The frogs had been very polite about the whole thing, and nobody had held it against them. There had been no plague of ticks. ¡°There!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, pointing to movement beneath the bridge. ¡°There it is!¡± ¡°I see something!¡± Nanoc agreed eagerly. ¡°Its¡­ its¡­ what the heck is that thing, Dren?¡± Dren muttered a curse and then a spell, pointing a long finger towards the hidden foe. There was a bang, a whimper, and a loud roaring. A purple beast with a bright green mohawk climbed quickly up the side of the bridge to stand in front of the trio. It hissed at them, revealing long yellow incisors. Its paws were massive and ended in talons. Rotcel ¡®Loc turned and ran; Nanoc stepped forward. ¡°Do you, know it¡¯s a troll!¡± Dren warned him. ¡°We need to get off the bridge right now!¡± He grabbed Nanoc and pulled the little gnome off the bridge to follow the lizardling treasure hunter. Nanoc protested. The troll had made the ordinarily placid Dren frantic to escape the bridge, and surely that meant the beast would be a good foe. He wiggled out of the elf¡¯s grip. ¡°You two stand back,¡± the gnome said. ¡°I¡¯ll¡ª¡± Dren spun around and pointed and accusing finger at the beast. ¡°Do you know, you ugly creature, that I am here to defeat you! Koob¡¯s light of truth!¡± A beam of light as wide as a bus exploded from Dren¡¯s finger and engulfed the troll. The sound of a thousand well-reached books rustled in the air, and the forest smelt of ink and paper for a moment. The beam faded, leaving the troll standing on the bridge. ¡°He looks exactly the same!¡± Nanoc said in amazement. ¡°Dren, did your spell go wrong? Is it my turn to fight? Ah¡­ Dren?¡± Dren was shaking in anger. The elf¡¯s face had turned quite red, and several veins on his head were popping out. He had not missed. The troll¡¯s outer purple skin was fading away quickly; the muscles and claws had been nothing but an illusion. Soon, the appearance of a fearsome beast had been replaced by a skinny green troll with a pimple-covered face. ¡°Only a member of the puppy-eating city elite would do that!¡± it squeaked. ¡°I heard you go around to people¡¯s houses and pee on their door handles!¡± Dren pointed an accusing finger at the troll. ¡°Lies! Lies! Do you know¡­ do you know¡­ I¡¯m so angry I can¡¯t even think of a good spell!¡± Dren shouted at the troll. ¡°Oh, a bad one will have to do, then! Splat!¡± A boot the size of a horse fell out of the sky and hit the troll with a splatt! The boot burst into tiny bits of leather which flew away in the wind. Amazingly, the troll stood up and blew a raspberry. Dren raised his finger again, but the troll was already running away from the bridge and into the trees. ¡°Did you miss with the boot, too?¡± Nanoc asked, confused. Like all barbarians, he didn¡¯t understand magic. ¡°No, trolls are basically invulnerable,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc explained. ¡°Some people think that Death himself doesn¡¯t want to have to deal with their nonsense and refused to accept their souls into his court.¡± ¡°Do you know, I hate trolls,¡± Dren said, then added passionately, ¡°they lie intentionally! Can you believe it?¡± ¡°There will be more,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said glumly. ¡°Where you see one, you can expect ten. We should get out of here.¡± ¡°We should hunt them down,¡± Dren said instead. ¡°Every single one of them. We should send them running from these woods. We cannot let them stay.¡± ¡°We should leave!¡± the lizardling scout insisted. ¡°Trolls have no treasure, and they¡¯re dumb and dangerous and dirty!¡± The scout and the scholar glared at each other. One wanted to leave, the other to stay. It was up to Nanoc to break the tension. Unfortunately, he had not been paying attention to it at all. ¡°I call dibs on the next troll,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Hey, Rotcel, Dren? I call dibs on the next one, okay?¡± 24. The trolls 24. Trolls Nanoc and his friends kept walking. Dren was muttering to himself, annoyed that a troll would intentionally lie. Rotcel ¡®Loc looked around nervously, worried that a troll would jump out and try eating her for dinner. Only Nanoc walked on at peace with himself and the world, humming to cheerfully as he considered all he had achieved.
NANOC THE GNOME Health: 18/18 BARBARIAN| Level 8 Skills: Hand-to-hand combat, drinking, shouting, singing badly, identify enemy, makeshift weaponry, looking great when sweaty, good with knives, taunt Abilities: Berserk! (2 uses per day), incredible strength (5 uses per day), retribution (2 uses per day), trip hazard (every hour), Final stand (special) CLERK| Level 9 Skills: Paperwork, filing, taking notes, counting, boring stuff Abilities: Speed reading (50 per day), finding folders (10 per day), avoiding the blame (1 per day)
Nice. He started humming again. ¡°Stop that!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc demanded. ¡°What? The humming?¡± ¡°The being happy! Don¡¯t you know how much danger we¡¯re in? Trolls always travel in huge, hungry packs. They could be all around us right now.¡± ¡°Oh. Are they?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know! Maybe!¡± ¡°Well, tell me if you see any. Until then, I¡¯ll just be happy.¡± They kept walking. ¡°Do you think the king really sacrifices puppies to the demons?¡± Nanoc asked at last. ¡°No!¡± Dren shouted, stamping his foot. ¡°That¡¯s a lie! In any case, demons prefer cats. Everyone knows that. By the seven levels of heaven Above, I hate trolls!¡± They walked some more in silence. Rotcel ¡®Loc jumped as she heard the crack of a branch breaking nearby. She spun, knife in hand, to see a troll peeking out from behind a tree. It was a wide, dirty beast with long yellow teeth, but despite its physical bulk, its real weapon was its words. ¡°The world is run by a secret, underground empire of lizardlings!¡± the troll called out from behind a tree. ¡°They eat people!¡± This was so outrageous that Rotcel ¡®Loc was more angry than scared. ¡°What? That¡¯s rubbish,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc the lizardling shouted back at the troll. ¡°Why would we live underground? We like to bask in the sun, you know.¡± The troll was silent for a moment as it considered this undeniable point, then and continued undeterred. ¡°The king is one of the lizardlings! He rules them¡ª¡± ¡°No! All lizardlings are female, you idiot!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shouted, louder than before. Dren was nodding in agreement. ¡°The king is a male human, he¡¯s not a lizardling! And we don¡¯t have an underground empire!¡± Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°Yeah? Well, what would you know about it, anyway?¡± the troll demanded. ¡°Look at me - I am a lizardling!¡± ¡°Then how can I be expected to believe anything you say?¡± the troll said triumphantly. ¡°You lizardlings lie all the time to protect your underground dens full of puppies and¡ª" Rotcel ¡®Loc threw a knife that arced through the air and caught the troll in one of its large ears. The beast screamed and emerged from behind the tree. It was larger than the last one, eight feet tall at least. Nanoc nodded in satisfaction; finally, he was going to fight something. ¡°The lizardlings control the weather, and they make it rain on your birthday!¡± the troll continued, raising its claws. ¡°Do you really?¡± Nonac asked, turning to Rotcel ¡®Loc in intertest. ¡°No!¡± ¡°I was just asking,¡± Nanoc said defensively. ¡°You never talk about stuff like that.¡± ¡°Yes!¡± the troll shouted. ¡°See how your so-called-friends censor you, gnome! See how they mock your height behind your back! No doubt the lizardling is already planning to eat you in your sleep¡ª" ¡°Gross,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc muttered. ¡°Nanoc hasn¡¯t bathed in weeks.¡± ¡°And I¡¯m quite tall for a gnome!¡± Nanoc shouted. The trolled charged; a ball of light shot from Dren¡¯s hand and hit the beast in the chest. Its muscular form faded with each step, revealing a shorter, plumper version of itself. It rudely gestured at the trio, and Rotcel ¡®Loc threw another knife at it. The blade curved around the back of the beast and hit it in the rear. There was a squeal and the sound of scampering feet. Dren nodded; Rotcel ¡®Loc smiled. For the moment, at least, they were happy to be working together. ¡°Hey! I said I called dibs on the next troll!¡± Nonac protested. ¡°Dibs!¡± The other two ignored him. They walked on, but this time, they had their weapons ready. Trolls were cowardly creatures, but a large group could be dangerous. Dren was slowly turning red with anger. To intentionally make things up and pass them off as truth went against everything Knowledge stood for. The mere existence of trolls made the normally calm god bang his quill on the table in anger. This was no coincidence: the goddess Chaos had created the troll race to torment her little brother, Knowledge. Chaos had immediately regretted it. The trolls were meant to be amusing and provocative, but instead they were just annoying. ¡°We really don¡¯t have an underground empire,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc explained. ¡°Moving all that dirt with spades would be¡­ well, it would almost be farming, right?¡± ¡°We know that,¡± Dren said comfortingly. ¡°We know that, friend. Ignore the trolls, they are miserable creatures.¡± ¡°Right. I¡¯d never use a spade.¡± ¡°Of course not,¡± Dren said. ¡°And you wouldn¡¯t eat a person, either.¡± ¡°Nor would I use a pick,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc agreed. ¡°Or any kind of digging instrument.¡± ¡°And I¡¯m really tall for a gnome. Really.¡± ¡°Sure,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°Sure,¡± Dren added. They walked on in awkward silence. The troll''s words had disturbed them all in ways they were unwilling to admit to. They had just begun to relax when a reedy voice called out from a tree branch: ¡°Birds aren¡¯t real!¡± ¡°What?¡± Nanoc said, intrigued despite himself. ¡°They aren¡¯t! The servants of Artefact replaced them all with clockwork golems to spy on us.¡± ¡°Even the chickens?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°Because I¡¯ve eaten a lot of chicken but never seen a gear.¡± ¡°Well, the thing about that is¡ª¡± There was a blast of magic and a troll fell from the tree and hit the ground. It was the largest troll so far. Nanoc raced at it with his pitchfork ready, but it took off before he reached it, running through the trees faster than the gnome could follow. ¡°Stay and fight me!¡± Nanoc shouted after it. ¡°The chicken you eat is actually dead weasel!¡± the troll shouted. ¡°They¡¯re feeding you weasel, gnome!¡± ¡°What? No, that¡¯s really not right, I¡ª Stop lying!¡± he shouted after it. ¡°Never!¡± the troll cried as it disappeared into the forest. They found a fourth troll haunting the middens behind an abandoned inn and a fifth lurking in a ditch beside the road. There were two trolls outside a village, and two more waiting in the trees. The road was crawling with the beasts. They never attacked, but simply shouted out their lies and ran off. ¡°Do you know, a great evil has taken over this land,¡± Dren announced. ¡°I can feel it in my books. I have a new quest for us: we need to rid this nation of its trolls.¡± ¡°But not for free, surely?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc protested on principle. ¡°We barely made any money from the necrodancer thing and we didn¡¯t charge Mary anything to deal with her lamb, either! I¡¯m not doing pro bono work more than once a year. We have to have standards, you know!¡± Dren glared at the lizardling. This was more than a simple disagreement; the very principles of their lives and classes were in conflict. The party was about to fall apart. ¡°The king they keep talking about must hate these trolls,¡± Nanoc said, interrupting what was about to become a fight. ¡°I¡¯ll bet he¡¯ll at least offer to pay us.¡±
Charisma check¡­ passed! You have found a way to keep the party united and working towards a common goal!
¡°Good,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, while Dren just shrugged. It wasn¡¯t long before they came to the king¡¯s castle. It was a squat, unimpressive affair born of grey stone and dull architecture. The castle gates were shut and only a single flag flew from the walls. ¡°Right,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Let¡¯s go and see this king, them. I think we might be just in time for dinner, too.¡± 25. Meeting the king 25. Meeting the king In the twenty-third year of his reign, King Naem the Reasonably Good discovered, to his shock and shame, that his kingdom had a troll problem. His kingdom, Egareva, was situated on the outskirts of the Very Badlands, and he was not a stranger to trouble. He had fought off rampaging mega ducks and several zombie swarms during his reign and had faced off both against orcish folk music bands and a small green dragon. The trolls were different, though. Their attacks were more focused, more personal, nastier. At first he thought the trolls were nothing more than silly idiots, but after a few weeks the peasants near the castle had been heard repeating the terrible lie that the king had sacrificed his own son in the dungeon beneath the castle. ¡°I don¡¯t even have a dungeon! Or a son, come to that,¡± the king complained to Nanoc and his friends as he addressed them in his throne room. ¡°I tell people this, I take them on tours through the castle, and they just say they must be my illegitimate son I had with a traveling Tupperware saleswoman¡­ and a hidden dungeon!¡± ¡°Some people will believe anything,¡± Nanoc agreed cheerfully. ¡°One of my uncles insists the world is a sphere.¡± The gnome barbarian and his friends had told the castle guard of their intention to fight the trolls (¡®for treasure,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc had insisted. ¡°Don¡¯t forget about the treasure!¡±), and the guards had ushered them right into the throne room. The king was slumped down on his throne. His silver crown fell forward, light glinting off the emeralds set in its tips. Rotcel ¡®Loc wondered what it might look like on her mantelpiece at home. Had they been alone¡­ but they weren¡¯t. Beside the king¡¯s throne stood the princess, and several guards lined the throne room walls, watching the trio nervously. The king sighed. His kingdom was in dire need of help. He needed a party of legendary warriors, a team of powerful, wise champions who would stop at nothing to save the kingdom and its people. Would Nanoc and his friends rise to the challenge, ridding the poor people of the terror of the trolls? Would they volunteer their very lives to save the kingdom? No. ¡°Do you know, the water would run right off, wouldn¡¯t it?¡± Dren said, frowning. ¡°What?¡± the king asked, not following at all. ¡°The world sphere that Nanoc¡¯s uncle talks about,¡± Dren said. ¡°I¡­ I¡­ I don¡¯t know, is that important?¡± the king said. ¡°I was talking about the trolls. Please, will you help us? Please?¡± ¡°They torture my father with their rumors,¡± the princess said, reaching out to pat the king. ¡°He is a kind man at heart, and that makes him vulnerable.¡± ¡°They say I eat puppies,¡± the king said, staring at the ground beneath his feet. ¡°I know a few of our dogs went missing recently, but that¡¯s nothing to do with me. Now, I can¡¯t even have dogs in the castle for fear of what the servants will say. It is heartbreaking.¡± ¡°That¡¯s terrible, your majesty,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°I don¡¯t eat puppies!¡± the king snapped. ¡°I mean about the lies, of course. Lies should at least be funny.¡± ¡°Why does it matter?¡± Dren asked. ¡°Surely nobody will believe such obvious nonsense?¡± The princess shook her head. The king, already defeated, gave a loud sob. ¡°Of course they believe it,¡± he moaned. ¡°People love to hear that sort of thing. It¡¯s too late, anyway. The trolls have destroyed me.¡± ¡°Trolls can be killed,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Why didn¡¯t you send for the Guild of Heroes?¡± This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version. Nanoc disliked the Guild, but this sounded like something they could handle. Trolls were beasts, after all. Easy pickings for a Guild hero. ¡°We did ask the guild, gnome,¡± the princess said. ¡°Three times we asked, three times they came.¡± The king finally looked up, his blue eyes tinged red with stress and pain. He wasn¡¯t a terrible king, and he didn¡¯t deserve the hand Destiny was serving him. Destiny, eleventh born of the first generation of gods, could be really mean. ¡°The guild demanded so much of us,¡± the king whispered. ¡°Gold and jewels, land, and titles¡­ and that was just for the call-out cost! I mean, I know we¡¯re a long way from the Empire, but surely a reasonable price would be¡ª¡± ¡°They all failed,¡± the princess said. ¡°Three times?¡± Dren asked, amazed. ¡°But the Guild guarantees their work, they should have kept sending parties until¡ª" ¡°When the first party returned, they accused my father of keeping a demon beneath his bed and feeding it orphans from the local towns,¡± the princess explained. ¡°I never would,¡± the king whispered. ¡°Yeah, demons need more space than that,¡± Nanoc agreed. ¡°They get really big.¡± ¡°No, that¡¯s not what I meant at¡ª" ¡°And then?¡± Dren interrupted his notebook in his hand. ¡°Please continue, this is fascinating stuff.¡± ¡°Only half the second party made it back, and they were all convinced that my daughter and I had been replaced by evil shapeshifters. It¡¯s ridiculous,¡± the king said bitterly. ¡°Some people will believe anything.¡± ¡°That¡¯s very silly,¡± Dren agreed but stopped writing to make the motions of a very particular spell behind his back. ¡°Absolutely silly.¡± There was a pause. ¡°Did you just cast a ¡®reveal shapeshifter spell¡¯?¡± the princess snapped. ¡°Um¡­ no? And don¡¯t worry, you aren¡¯t one. None of you are.¡± The princess glared at Dren. The little elf just shrugged. ¡°And the third party?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°They returned to the empire spouting such gibberish that their Guild master immediately turned them into stone and sold them as garden statues. They had been loyal heroes, yet the trolls turned them against everything, even their own experience. They claimed I was a demon, that I was plotting against the Static empire! As if a kingdom as small as mine could ever threaten the rule of Order. The guild blacklisted us after that.¡± ¡°Sorry, just to clarify,¡± Dren said. ¡°Are you the demon in this conspiracy now? I thought you served it? Or it serves you? Can anyone clear this up?¡± The others ignored him. It didn¡¯t have to make sense. ¡°Do you know, we will help,¡± Dren said confidently. ¡°Will we?¡± Nanoc said, a bit surprised. He had no real fondness for kings and castles. They were hierarchies cast in stone, where any fool born to the right parents could be given too much power. The goddess Chaos had not liked them, either. She preferred a good communist anarchy. Yet, the banana of mayhem buzzed in its holster.
New quest: Defeat the trolls or DIE TRYING!
Nanoc sighed. While it wasn¡¯t uncommon for a mortal to be under the control of a magical item, it was rather embarrassing to take orders from a fruit, magical or not. ¡°What do you think, Rotcel ¡®Loc? Dren and I will aid the king. Will you help us?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc caught herself staring at the king¡¯s crown again ¨C it was so very shinny. ¡°Sure?¡± she muttered as she tried to count the emeralds. ¡°Great!¡± the king said in relief. ¡°Great! Then¡ª" ¡°Wait,¡± the princess said suddenly. ¡°How can we possibly trust these interlopers? You, gnome, walk in, unasked for and unexpected, asking for an audience with the king and simply expect us to put our fates in your hands. What do you three want in exchange?¡± ¡°I serve Knowledge,¡± Dren said sternly. ¡°I will defeat these trolls as a service to my god and my community. No reward is needed.¡± ¡°But also gold?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc suggested. ¡°And jewels. Yes, and crowns¡­ I mean, any spare crowns you might have, that is. At least two.¡± ¡°We accept,¡± the king said at once. ¡°Father!¡± the princess protested. The king waved a hand in the air, defeated. ¡°We accept. Should you succeed, you may take whatever you can carry, even the crown on my head. What choice do we have, daughter?¡± ¡°None,¡± she agreed sadly. ¡°None at all.¡± ¡°So can I draw up a contract or¡ª¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc began, but Nanoc interrupted her. ¡°What do we need to do?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°Fine a few trolls and shake them until they stop lying? That sounds fun.¡± ¡°If only it were that easy! No, gnome, you must seek the fortress from where they come and defeat the powers that command them! It is a most difficult task. You will need help! Captain!¡± The beefy soldier who had been standing beside the king stepped forward. ¡°Captain Toirtap is the most loyal of our guards,¡± the princess said. ¡°We have full faith that he, at least, will not be turned against us, for his heart is true and strong. He will go with you.¡± The captain saluted the princess. Their eyes met, and they stared at each other for just slightly too long for comfort. The captain coughed, looked away, and adjusted his armor. ¡°Do you have any questions?¡± the king asked. ¡°Yes,¡± Dren said, turning to Nanoc. ¡°Where does your uncle think the sun sleeps if the world is a sphere?¡± ¡°I meant about the quest,¡± the king asked patiently. ¡°Do you know, the sun would have to¡ª" ¡°About that contract, can we just¡ª" ¡°Find the troll cave. Smash it. Get paid,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°That¡¯s it, right? Easy.¡± But it wouldn¡¯t be easy at all. 26. The quest 126. The quest Nanoc and his friends had been hired to rid the kingdom of trolls, but they did not leave at once. Captain Toirtap insisted they walk down to the castle barracks where three unhappy-looking soldiers were waiting. The soldiers were all young and skinny, with the awkward postures of teenagers. They looked like they were dressed in their older brothers¡¯ armor: nothing fit, and their uniforms were full of holes and stains. Red stains, some of them. The king liked to recycle. They did not look ready for anything more challenging than a little light gardening, but they saluted when the captain approached. ¡°We shall not go alone,¡± the captain explained to Nanoc and his friends. ¡°We shall go in strength, together. I have summoned our greatest warriors to join us.¡± ¡°These are your greatest guards?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked skeptically. One young soldier held a spear as if he were scared it would bite him, and the others carried their short swords with both hands. Nanoc could have knocked them all down with a burp. ¡°Greatness is not always a matter of power, lizardling,¡± the captain said sternly. ¡°You do not second guess the gnome despite his stature¡ª¡± ¡°I¡¯m actually very tall for a gnome¡ª" ¡°¡ªso do not judge my men. These soldiers are the most loyal in the land, and only they can stand up to the dark, charismatic abilities the trolls will use against us.¡± ¡°Also, most of the better guards left,¡± one of the young soldiers explained helpfully. ¡°Also that. Anyway, you three, go stand next to them,¡± the captain said, waving a hand at Nanoc and his friends. The friends stood beside the three guards; with the captain, their party made seven, an auspicious number. The young captain paused for a moment, conscious that the very fate of the kingdom had been placed in his hands. He stood a little taller and began an inspiring speech. "Soldiers who serve the kingdom of Egareva and the great king who rules over it¡ª" ¡°Do you know, he¡¯s not great, he¡¯s only ranked as reasonably good in the royal ratings,¡± Dren corrected the captain. ¡°I looked it up. He¡¯ll have to raise his king class a lot to get to a rank of ¡®great,¡¯ and I don¡¯t see how he¡¯d do it while being beaten by trolls.¡± ¡°¡ªsoldiers who serve our King Naem, who rules these lands and whose every command we are to obey¡ª¡± ¡°But only if we feel like it,¡± muttered Nanoc. ¡°¡ªour duty to protect the royal family and the treasure of the land,¡± the captain persevered. ¡°And I say to you¡ª¡± ¡°What kind of treasure would that be?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked. ¡°Are we talking jewels or magical carpets? No, not carpets; it¡¯s too humid around here. Golden bear teeth, maybe?¡± The captain deflated. ¡°Look, can we just focus, please? This is our last chance,¡± he pleaded. ¡°We can¡¯t let the princess down.¡± ¡°The princess?¡± one of the young soldiers asked. ¡°I mean the king! And the princess! And the whole, the whole kingdom, sort of thing! We shall have victory or death!¡± ¡°Death? I didn¡¯t sign up for that!¡± the youngest guard complained. ¡°I just wanted a job with a uniform!¡± ¡°Girls love the uniform,¡± one of the slightly older guards confirmed. ¡°This is not about the uniform! Ask yourself how you want to be remembered: as a great warrior who saved his nation or as a useless, pathetic loser!¡± the captain said. The youngest soldier looked down at his feet, then up at the sky, as if searching for an answer. ¡°I dunno,¡± he mumbled. ¡°I mean, all your other warriors died hunting the trolls, which is pretty worrying. And I¡¯ve only just paid off this armor, and Mom said I¡ª¡± ¡°Get moving!¡± One of the skinny soldiers raised a hand. ¡°Will we be back for dinner, captain?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t ask me that! You¡¯re a soldier¡ª" ¡°Oh, I was also wondering that,¡± Nanoc piped in. This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work. ¡°Get! Out!¡± They made their way out of the castle and set out for a nearby village. Captain Toirtap¡¯s mood improved considerably once they were underway. ¡°I¡¯ve been saying we need more aggressive action for months now, but the king said leave it to the heroes, then leave it to the mercenaries, then to the higher level guards. Well, they all failed, so now it¡¯s my turn!¡± ¡°To fail?¡± Dren asked, surprised. ¡°To¡­ what? No, elf! To save the kingdom!¡± ¡°And how do you plan to do that?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°Because we¡¯ve been walking for hours now, and I¡¯m getting bored.¡± ¡°Several trolls were sighted near this village. We can track them back to their fortress if we find them,¡± Captain Toirtap explained. ¡°I¡¯m assuming your tracker is good enough for that.¡± ¡°That depends,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°Do they have treasure?¡± The captain chuckled. Rotcel ¡®Loc frowned, unsure of the joke. She really could track gold better than footprints. ¡°Do you know, that gets us to the fortress,¡± Dren said. ¡°And what¡¯s after that?¡± ¡°Then we fight them all, of course. To victory!¡± ¡°Seven of us against an army of trolls,¡± Nanoc said, a little shocked that someone was finally suggesting something fun. Captain Toirtap misunderstood, thinking Nanoc was awed by the danger of it. ¡°Take heart, gnome, for we will succeed,¡± Toirtap said with certainty. ¡°The kingdom of Egareva is the greatest in the world, and King Naem is the best ruler who has ever lived. Hazzah!¡± Dren just shook his head. ¡°Do you know, that¡¯s not right. I visited your library before you left, which was a disappointing experience. There are fewer than a thousand books, some of them in deplorable condition, too. A kingdom that does not care for its books cannot be great.¡± ¡°When did you even¡ª never mind, elf! A kingdom is more than its books! We have a unique treasure that no other place in the world Below can hope to claim!¡± ¡°Is it some kind of crown?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked. ¡°No!¡± ¡°Or pie?¡± Nanoc asked. He was getting hungry. ¡°No! I speak of the indomitable soul of our citizens, the greatness of this land itself! The people of this land will never turn away from danger! Is that not so, my fellow soldiers?" The three young guards the captain had brought along agreed half-heartedly. They fully intended to turn from any danger when it presented itself. ¡°Do you know, a great kingdom would have more soldiers,¡± Dren suggested. ¡°And those soldiers would have armor that fits.¡± ¡°Be silent, elf,¡± the captain said. ¡°And the rest of you, get moving!¡± They walked on, the captain leading, Nanoc and his friends following after, and the three young guards a distant third. ¡°Don¡¯t be so hard on the captain, Dren,¡± Nanoc whispered. ¡°Surely every person is allowed to think think that their home is the best, that their people are the strongest, and that their mother makes the best strudel?¡± The very idea of such subjective values seemed to make Dren sick. ¡°Do you know, that¡¯s not right at all,¡± he said. ¡°These things can be measured and determined empirically. Besides, my mother makes the best strudel.¡± They turned a corner and found the path cut off by a row of upright barrels with planks across them. It was a crude, unimpressive barrier but it worked well enough. Nanoc walked about it, annoyed. There was a loud twang, and an arrow hit the ground nearby. ¡°Stop right there, or we¡¯ll shoot!¡± a voice called out. A large white troll and a dozen dirty bandits emerged from the woods. The troll had long talons, the bandits had bows in their hands and knives in their belts. ¡°You there! Do you serve the fake king?¡± the troll demanded. ¡°We serve King Naem,¡± Captain Toirtap replied sternly, unwilling to lie even in the face of danger. ¡°The king is dead! This new king is nothing but a puppet serving the secret underground empire!¡± the troll shouted as the bandits spread out. ¡°Is this the empire of lizardlings, again?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc sighed. ¡°Look, this really is getting quite speciest now¡ª¡± ¡°No, the secret underground empire of artificial birds! They want the king to turn all the horses into bird seed!¡± the troll said. ¡°Even the ponies! How can you support that?¡± His bandit entourage nodded at this point, adding in shouts of ¡®the world is round!¡¯ and ¡®birds aren¡¯t real¡¯ as added emphasis. ¡°We¡­ what? That¡¯s not even¡ª¡± Nanoc protested. The troll interrupted, loudly and quickly as was of the way of his race. He wasn¡¯t just speaking, he was using the convince ability, and at a high level, too. ¡°You agree, then, that he must be stopped? And have you heard of what he does to puppies¡ª" The troll had yellow teeth covered in dirty white fur, yet despite his off-putting look, he had a high charisma. His arguments had worked before, on peasants and na?ve villagers and even on the bandits that now stood beside him. His words were sweet poison ¨C everyone likes to see their social betters brought down occasionally. Even the king¡¯s own guards had thoughtful frowns on their faces. ¡°You shouldn¡¯t serve the king,¡± the troll continued. ¡°You, gnome, you look like a smart fellow. I bet you¡¯ve seen the king eat a puppy, right? And you, elf, surely you would be better off¡ª¡± But the troll¡¯s tricky words had little effect: Dren wasn¡¯t willing to believe anything he hadn¡¯t read, Rotcel ¡®Loc was willing to believe the troll¡¯s words but didn¡¯t see why eating puppies was a problem, and Nanoc ¨C well, Nanoc wasn¡¯t listening at all. ¡°You!¡± he said, ignoring the troll entirely and pointing at the bandit who had made a comment about the world being round. ¡°Do you know my uncle?¡± ¡°What?¡± the bandit said, surprised. ¡°What!¡± the troll demanded. ¡°Weren¡¯t you listening to me?¡± ¡°Nah. Were you saying anything important?¡± ¡°I¡ª I¡ª¡± the troll said, then growled. The troll was confused and more than a little annoyed ¨C Nanoc had this effect on many people. The gnome wandered over to the round-world bandit and asked if he ever went to the conventions and, if so, if he¡¯d ever met his uncle, Pacnit the gnome. ¡°And you, soldiers?¡± the troll demanded, deciding to ignore the gnome for now. ¡°Surely you can see how wrong it is to serve such an evil king?¡± ¡°Ignore him, men,¡± Captain Toirtap warned. ¡°We serve the princess with all our hearts and will not be turned.¡± ¡°The princess?¡± ¡°The king! I said the king!¡± Captain Toirtap snapped. The troll sighed, clearly disappointed by such a display of loyalty. It held up a massive claw and pointed at Toirtap. ¡°Fine then ¨C if you won¡¯t join us, you can be my dinner!¡± 27. Bandits! ¡°Get them!¡± screamed a particularly large and smelly bandit. ¡°Punish the puppy killers! Destroy the king¡¯s puppets! Fight the evil¡ªguh!¡± He¡¯d barely got halfway through his speech when Captain Toirtap charged him, slamming his armored body shoulder into his chest. The bandit went tumbling head over heels. ¡°For Kingdom and for Nation!¡± the captain shouted, brandishing his sword to the sky. Nation, the seventh-born of the second generation of gods, was the god of unity and co-operation. A lot of soldiers served Nation, although relatively few of their rulers did. A bandit carrying a wooden staff lashed out at the captain, who easily fended him off. ¡°Are we fighting?¡± Nanoc asked, surprised. He had not been paying attention. ¡°Oh, great! Let me just¡ª¡± The troll grabbed Nanoc and shoved him face down into a barrel so that only his little legs were sticking out. The little gnome wiggled his feet as he tried to climb out, but he was wedged in tightly. The bandits closed in confidently; they had the numbers to easily win. Captain Toirtap was fighting off three bandits by himself, and Rotcel ¡®Loc was dodging blows from two more. The other bandits approached Dren. ¡°The scholar is mine!¡± the troll yelled, and the bandits fell back. Dren did not hesitate. He pointed a finger at the troll and yelled, ¡°Koob¡¯s light of truth!¡± A bolt of bright light hit the white troll in the chest but had no effect. The troll gave a surprisingly high-pitched chuckle as it walked towards the elf. ¡°That might work on my weaker brothers but not me,¡± the troll said, grinning. ¡°You serve Knowledge, elf? Surely you¡¯ve heard that the university folk are working on spells to steal your teeth so that they can keep them for themselves?¡± Dren looked at his fingers in shock. They had never let him down like that before. ¡°Do you know, I have another version of the spell in one of these books¡ª¡± the elf began, but the troll wasn¡¯t willing to wait. He grabbed Dren and threw him into the air. The elf flew with all the grace of a bag of old clothes and hit the side of the barrel Nanoc was stuck in, tipping it over. Nanoc managed to get to his feet, still in the barrel. He took a few steps to the side and hit a bandit, knocking him over, then stumbled to the other side and hit a bandit in the back. A third bandit smashed his spear against the side of the barrel, but it bounced off, vibrating with a wummmm sound and jumping out of his hands. It landed in front of Dren, who picked it up tentatively. He had always believed that words were more powerful than weapons, but his spells had temporarily failed him, and so he needed to try something new. He threw the spear; it hit the troll in the back of the head and bounced off without doing any damage. ¡°Is that all?¡± the troll said nastily. He took a step forward, but the spear twisted into a snake that wrapped its legs around the troll, tripping him. A bandit rushed to his side to help, arriving just as Dren hit the troll with a purple blast of light that bounced off the beast and hit the bandit instead. The bandit screamed, her voice getting higher and higher as she shrank down to the size of a football. She tried to run but had barely made it a few feet when Nanoc came rolling over her in his barrel. Dren was already muttering a new spell. ¡°Your spell won¡¯t work on me,¡± the troll said smugly. ¡°You silly scholars think you are so powerful and mighty, but no spell you cast on me will work! I am immune, elf! You are pathetic! Now let me slay you with my own powers!¡± The troll pointed a crooked claw, and a fireball leaped out and hit Dren. Flames rose, smoke clouded the air, and when the air cleared, Dren was gone. This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version. ¡°Ha!¡± the troll said gleefully. ¡°You are nothing, elf! I am far stronger than you, smarter than you! All the girls like me better than you! You are dead, elf!¡± But he was wrong. ¡°May I give you some advice?¡± Dren said from directly behind the troll. ¡°Do you know, the path of Knowledge is like climbing a mountain. If you climb higher than most, you may think you have nearly reached the peak and grow arrogant from your height. If you keep climbing, however, you realize that the mountain is infinite, that you will never reach the peak, and that you are nothing but a fool with a great view of the world.¡± ¡°What?¡± the troll said, spinning around in surprise. ¡°What does that mean? How did you get there? Why aren¡¯t you dead?¡± ¡°Do you know, you ask so many questions, but you don¡¯t wait for the answer.¡± ¡°Why are you smiling, elf? Your spells don¡¯t work!¡± Dren bobbed his head. ¡°I may be a fool, but I know many spells,¡± the elf explained. ¡°One of which does this: gnome missile!¡± He pointed at Nanoc¡¯s barrel, which floated into the air, then shot towards the troll, hitting him in the head. The troll stumbled as Nanoc¡¯s barrel circled for another attack and another after that. ¡°Dren!¡± Nanoc screamed. ¡°Stop that! Get me out of here!¡± The elf was too busy slamming the troll into the ground to listen. By the time the spell ended ¨C depositing the barrel back upright so that Nanoc was once again head down and feet up ¨C the troll was lying on the ground, defeated. ¡°I¡¯m going to get reinforcements!¡± the troll shouted to his bandits. ¡°You lot, keep fighting! I¡¯ll be back!¡± The troll scrambled to his feet and fled through the trees. The bandits eyed their leader¡¯s hasty retreat with concern, but they didn¡¯t run after him. There were still six of them, after all. ¡°More for us, then, with the boss gone,¡± one of the bandits said with a smile. ¡°The gnome is nothing, the soldier is down, and the elf is weak!¡± But he had forgotten the lizardling. Rotcel ¡®Loc had used the distraction of the running troll well. She pulled Nanoc out of the barrel, placed him back on his feet, and pointed him at the remaining bandits. ¡°Go get them, then,¡± she said and wandered off to find a spot to sit and watch the action. ¡°Right!¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°Did I really miss fighting the troll? That makes me¡­ angry!¡±
Berserk ability activated! Go get them, you little gnome maniac!
The bandits were brutal men and women, veterans of hundreds of fights. They had not panicked when their troll leader had fled, nor even when half their number had fallen, yet Nanoc¡¯s attack scattered them like autumn leaves in the wind. Nobody expects a rampaging gnome. It was all over too fast. ¡°Say ¡®hi¡¯ to my uncle for me,¡± Nanoc said as he hit the last bandit over the head and knocked him out. Nanoc¡¯s berserk faded away, leaving him feeling tired and still unsatisfied. He looked around: Captain Toirtap was on the ground, winded but not injured, Dren was examining an interesting flower he¡¯d noticed during the fight, and Rotcel ¡®Loc was looting the fallen bandits. ¡°I think I got six the bandits,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Dren got the troll, which is just unfair. Captain, how many bandits did you get? Rotcel, did you get any? Rotcel?¡± The lizardling ignored the gnome, hissing in pleasure as she found a particularly shiny bauble. ¡°Well, anyway, we got them all¡­ but we lost the three guards.¡± ¡°Are they¡­ dead?¡± the captain asked, his voice heavy with concern for his men. ¡°What? No, they just ran off.¡± ¡°Impossible! My guards have hearts as true as steel!¡± But they didn¡¯t. The young guards had slunk off from the fight, discarding their uniforms and armor as they went. The captain looked so downcast at this news that even Dren tried to buck him up. ¡°Do you know, captain, we can continue without them. We will still be victorious.¡± ¡°Do you really think so?¡± the captain asked. ¡°Do you know, I do. They were terribly weak, so not having them will make no difference to us. Much like if we were to lose you, too.¡± ¡°Oh¡­that¡¯s, uh, what?¡± the captain said. ¡°You know, elf, you really need to work on your people skills. I¡ª" ¡°Hey! Look, it¡¯s the troll''s footprints!¡± Nanoc shouted, pointing at a set of wide prints in the mud. ¡°Follow them, Rotcel!¡± The lizardling didn¡¯t. She just sighed and kept searching the fallen bandits. ¡°Follow them, Rotcel!¡± Nanoc said a little louder in case the lizardling hadn¡¯t heard him. She had. ¡°I¡¯ll do it when I¡¯m ready,¡± she muttered. ¡°Are you scared, little lizardling?¡± Captain Toirtap mocked her. ¡°Fine, we don¡¯t need you, anyway.¡± He had not been impressed with Rotcel ¡®Loc¡¯s fighting ability, although he would have been astonished at her loot-finding skills had he been paying attention. The lizardling flashed the captain a smile full of short, sharp, white teeth as she searched a bandit¡¯s pockets. ¡°Go on, then. Head off into the woods. These two are terrible with maps, and I¡¯m guessing you¡¯re just as bad. I¡¯ll bet I¡¯ll find you fallen into the nearest river, half drowned and begging for rescue.¡± ¡°Do you know, that¡¯s a fair assessment,¡± Dren agreed. ¡°My navigation skill is not very good, and I do like rivers.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t swim,¡± Nanoc said, ¡°But I¡¯m still going to follow that troll!¡± He started walking into the woods. ¡°It¡¯s this way, gnome,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, throwing an empty purse over her shoulder and walking away from the gnome. ¡°Try and keep up.¡± The scout walked off into the trees, the others following behind her. The troll fortress was close. 28. The troll farm ¡°There lays the fortress of trolls, a dark and dangerous place,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, pointing dramatically at a wooden fortress nestled in the side of the mountain. ¡°Who knows what evil might lie within its walls¡ª¡± ¡°Trolls,¡± Nanoc said, ¡°Trolls lie within its walls. That¡¯s why we¡¯re here, right? Come on, let¡¯s go fight them.¡± ¡°But how will we get in?¡± Captain Patriot said. ¡°The gates are wide open,¡± Nanoc said, pointing. ¡°Let¡¯s just walk in. That¡¯s how we normally do this, you know.¡± ¡°And it¡¯s always a bad idea,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc muttered. The fortress¡¯s wooden gates were open and the trolls guarding them were fast asleep at their stations. Rotcel led the way, stepping past the sleeping bodies, through the gates, and into the courtyard beyond. ¡°Do you know, this is not what I expected,¡± Dren said. ¡°Where is¡­ everything?¡± The troll fortress was mostly hollow beyond the outer wall. At the far end of the courtyard was a single rickety tower, on top of which stood a room with a lighted window, but that was the only building. The courtyard was, however, filled with dozens of wide pits from which the murmur of troll voices rose. Nanoc peered over the edge of the nearest pit. Inside sat a ring of skinny trolls listening to a larger, nastier troll who was teaching them the ways of their people. The sounds of their voices rose up into the courtyard. ¡°The king eats puppies,¡± a gruff troll said as they passed. ¡°He dips them in ranch dressing, which he steals from poor people. Now you say it.¡± ¡°The king eats puppies,¡± the smaller troll around him repeated dutifully. ¡°He steals them from¡ª" Nanoc shook his head in amazement. The young trolls would believe anything, it seemed, without questioning it. The lesson in the next pit was even worse. ¡°The king isn¡¯t real, he¡¯s a lizardling in a mask,¡± the large troll teaching the class said. ¡°Wait¡ªwhich one of you called me an idiot? Who said that? Was it you, you little rat?¡± The large troll reached forward and slapped one of the smaller trolls, who protested his innocence. A fight broke out, the little trolls brawling and the large troll screaming at his class. ¡°Quiet, Rotcel!¡± Dren hissed. The scout gave an apologetic shrug, then crept past the next pit. Nanoc peered inside. ¡°The king wants to outlaw cake,¡± a troll teacher with a thin, reedy voice was saying to his class ¡°He wants to round up every cake and burn it. And for those who say they¡¯ve seen him eat cake, that¡¯s not true, its actually just frosted puppies.¡± This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. Most of the smaller trolls laughed and repeated their lesson: ¡°The king wants to outlaw cake¡ª¡± One troll, who was either slightly smarter or much denser than the rest of his class, raised a clawed hand. ¡°Yes?¡± his teacher asked, sighing. ¡°What now?¡± ¡°But why does the king want to outlaw cake? Is it for a health reason, or¡ª¡± ¡°Get him!¡± the teacher shouted. The luckless troll was picked up by his classmates and quickly taught the error of his ways. As was traditional in troll-ish education, the lesson was neither beneficial nor long-lasting. Blue troll blood spouted into the air as bits of the troll went flying. ¡°He shouldn¡¯t have asked,¡± Rotcel muttered. ¡°Curiosity killed the cat, you know.¡± Curiosity, the fifth born of the fifth generation of gods, had always claimed she¡¯d acted in self-defense. Cats still avoided her when they could. ¡°So trolls aren¡¯t invulnerable after all,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°They can kill each other. Dren, did you know that? Dren?¡± The little elf was staring in the pit. The fight inside was getting nasty. There seemed to be a lot of debate about who would get to have the dead troll for dinner. The troll teacher grabbed the body, but a dozen smaller trolls piled on to it, clawing and screaming. It was a messy, nasty brawl. Nanoc and his friends stared down into the pit. The large troll ripped a student in half and handed the parts to the smaller trolls. Nanoc grinned, Dren stared in horror, and Rotcel ¡®Loc looked away. Captain Patriot, who was not used to seeing such horrible things, threw up over his own boots. It said quite a lot about the moment that neither the sound nor the smell of this was noticed. ¡°The pits make sense, then,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°It stops the fighting from spreading from class to class.¡± ¡°No!¡± Dren protested. ¡°Trolls do not have class! They do not gather, they do not learn! What is this perversion of the principles of Knowledge?¡± ¡°Do you mean the fighting?¡± Rotcel¡¯ Loc said, eyeing the trolls nervously. ¡°I think that¡¯s just how they are. It¡¯s a cultural thing.¡± ¡°No, not that, I mean the pits,¡± Dren said, waving a hand weakly at the pits. ¡°This¡­ mockery of a school. What is this place?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve heard of this, but I never thought I¡¯d see one,¡± Captain Patriot said. ¡°This is a troll farm. From here, they¡¯re sent all across the land to hide under bridges or wherever and whisper things to passersby. Classic troll stuff.¡± ¡°Do you know trolls use their whispers to infuriate passersby into rash attacks, then cage and eat them!¡± Dren argued. ¡°That¡¯s the natural order of things, you see! Not¡­ whatever this is. This is too organized.¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shrugged. ¡°Maybe, but these days all the money is in politics. Look at these trolls, do you think any of them need to ambush prey? No, they¡¯re all well-fed. And look at the suits!¡± This was a good point; the trolls in the next pit wore fancy suits over their wet, slimy skin. It did little to improve their appearance, but whoever was paying for the farm had deep pockets. ¡°We need to keep moving,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°The Guild always says that the enemy boss will be at the top of the largest tower.¡± ¡°Why?¡± the captain demanded. ¡°Oh, the kind of people who cause a lot of trouble love looking down on others,¡± the lizardling explained as they reached the tower. ¡°It¡¯s a character flaw. Look, there¡¯s a door¡­ and can you smell garlic?¡± The door burst open, and a broad troll in a chef¡¯s hat emerged carrying a butcher¡¯s cleaver. It glared at them for a moment, then laughed. ¡°I didn¡¯t order delivery, but I¡¯ll take it!¡± the troll shouted. ¡°It¡¯s time for soup!¡± 29. Gnome soup An enormous troll holding a rusty cleaver stood in front of the tower¡¯s open doors. He wore a grubby chef¡¯s had speckled with mold, and when he grinned, his mouth was full of rotten and yellow teeth. The teeth were still sharp, though. ¡°Look¡¯s like dinner¡¯s been delivered right to my door,¡± the troll said. ¡°Shall we have gnome soup with a side of elf, then?¡± ¡°Get back, foul beast,¡± Captain Toirtap said, stepping forward. ¡°We have come for the master of this place, and will not let¡ª¡± Nanoc grabbed the captain and pulled him back just as the troll¡¯s cleaver whizzed past the captain¡¯s head, scraping his helmet. The troll kicked the captain, sending him flying backward. ¡°Ah!¡± Nanoc said brightly. ¡°I finally get to fight¡ª¡± The troll lashed out with a giant ladle, hooking it around Nanoc¡¯s back and flinging the little gnome through the tower¡¯s open doors and into the ground floor, which was a kitchen. He landed in a pot of tepid soup with a splash that sprayed two apprentice troll chefs wearing dirty aprons. They did not complain at all. ¡°It¡¯s about time the boss sent us something good to eat! Excellent,¡± muttered one. ¡°Where did I put the garlic? Is that the one that¡¯s rotten and horrid? Good, give it here then.¡± She dropped bits of garlic into the soup around Nanoc. The gnome tried to stand up, but the bottom of the soup pot was slimy and he couldn¡¯t find his footing. ¡°Make the water hotter,¡± the second apprentice complained. ¡°Raw gnome is too stringy, far too stringy!¡± The first apprentice chef bent down and began to blow on the fire beneath the pot. The bottom of the pot became noticeably warmer. Nanoc grabbed the sides of the pot and tried to climb out, but the large troll apprentice simply shoved him back down. From outside of the kitchen came the sounds of spells being slung and curses thrown, the loud clank of metal on metal, and other sounds of fighting. Things were looking bad for Nanoc. ¡°Dren! Dren!¡± Nanoc shouted desperately. ¡°Dren! Don¡¯t fight the giant chef without me! Save him for me, Dren! I¡¯ll be right out!¡± One of the apprentice chefs shook his head sadly. ¡°Do not waste your breath, gnome. The elf is no friend of yours. The followers of Knowledge eat people,¡± the troll said, licking his lips as he tipped a bag of herbs over Nanoc¡¯s head. ¡°They are evil creatures, the worst of the worst. Trolls would never do that.¡± ¡°What? You¡¯re literally cooking me right now!¡± the gnome complained. He tried to climb out of the pot again, but one of the trolls hit him over the head with a large wooden spoon. ¡°Elves can¡¯t be trusted; they only seem friendly to lure you into a false sense of security so that they can steal your kidneys,¡± one of the troll chefs continued as it added a bowl of chopped celery to the enormous pot. ¡°They use the kidneys to decorate their houses, you know.¡± ¡°What? That¡¯s ¨Cthey don¡¯t!¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°And stop putting pepper in my hair!¡± The trolls added a handful of dirt (¡°lovely roughage, that, lovely¡±) and several unpeeled onions. Nanoc was more insulted than worried. ¡°You could at least follow a recipe, you know.¡± ¡°Ah, recipes are just a conspiracy that book publishers spread, gnome. We don¡¯t need any fancy words!nybody can cook by just adding stuff together.¡± ¡°Well, I think ¨C hey, what¡¯s that smell?¡± Nanoc asked, frowning. This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. ¡°Coriander,¡± one of the apprentices said. ¡°Coriander? No!¡±
Warning: You are allergic to coriander!
¡°I know!¡± Nanoc hissed at the notification. ¡°I know!¡± Allergies were the gnomes¡¯ racial trait: orcs were tough, elves were fast, humans were adaptable, and gnomes sneezed a lot. That was life in the world Below. Nanoc sneezed with such power that the soup pot he was in tipped over, the soup running into the fire with a hiss that filled the kitchen with steam. He burst from the pot, spilling hot water and herbs across the floor. ¡°No!¡± one of the chefs protested. ¡°There goes the protein! Get it back and boil it until its colorless!¡± But Nanoc wasn¡¯t going to die in a soup: he slipped across the kitchen tiles, ducking under one troll and then launching himself through the air to kick the other in the chest, sending it falling backward. Nanoc gasped in pain. ¡°You didn¡¯t even season me properly,¡± he shouted, reaching for the jar of cooking tools and pulling one out. It was a potato masher nearly as tall as the gnome himself. It was not a conventional weapon, but he slammed it into the nearest troll and knocked him clean off its feet. ¡°That¡¯s impossible!¡± the troll protested. ¡°That should have broken! It can¡¯t be used as a club, it¡ª¡± Nanoc hit him again. The troll was right, of course, the masher should never have worked as a weapon, but Nanoc had a skill for that.
Makeshift weaponry skill engaged! New weapon: Masher! The potato masher is normally used to turn boiled potatoes into mash, but today, its going to have a whole lot more fun! Does 100000% magic damage against potatoes Weak against: Almost everything else.
¡°This works for me,¡± Nanoc said, facing the second troll. ¡°Prepare to be¡­ mashed!¡± Nanoc hit it again and again, driving it backward with the sheer fury of his attack. The troll retreated across the kitchen, standing behind a tower of chocolate icing topped with whole raw cabbage. Nanoc stared at it, his rage held back by sheer disbelief. ¡°What is this monstrosity, troll?¡± Nanoc demanded. ¡°Dessert.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°It¡¯s a chocolate and berry cake,¡± the troll explained. ¡°It¡¯s my specialty.¡± ¡°Those are cabbages!¡± ¡°Cabbages are a type of berry," the troll said cheerfully (this isn''t true at all). ¡°We add it to the cake as a decoration. It is¡­¡± The troll held up its fingers to its mouth to make a chef¡¯s kiss. ¡°That makes me¡­ so very¡­so very¡­ achoo!¡± ¡°And I add a good deal of pepper, too,¡± the apprentice chef said proudly. ¡°It really brings out the berries¡¯ bitterness.¡± ¡°I¡ªgnome smash!¡± Nanoc shouted, deciding that the words were too hard. He leaped into the air and slammed his whole body into the cake, sending chocolate and cabbage everywhere. Nanoc went berserk: he smashed that cake, mashed it, and turned it into crumbs and icing dust. The troll apprentices stared at the gnome briefly, then pulled their aprons off and ran for the door. The gnome looked up from his slaughter of the cake just in time to see the trolls heading out. "Come back here and fight!¡± he demanded. ¡°Come back and fight, you cowards!¡± But they didn¡¯t. They had seen what Nanoc had done to the cabbage cake and rightly assumed he¡¯d do the same to them if he could. The little gnome cursed loudly, stepping off the table that had held the cake and walking out of the kitchen. ¡°Fine,¡± he muttered. ¡°Whatever. I didn¡¯t even want to fight you. I¡¯ll just go fight the boss chef, then.¡± But Nanoc was too late for that, too: the giant troll chef was already face down and unmoving on the ground. A single tear of frustration rolled down Nanoc¡¯s cheek. ¡°All I want to do is punch something in the face,¡± he complained. ¡°Is that really too much to ask? Come on, Rotcel, couldn¡¯t you have waited?¡± ¡°He insulted my mother,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc explained guiltily. ¡°Do you know, I think you still could have waited,¡± Dren suggested. ¡°You know how Nanoc can be.¡± ¡°My mother, elf. He accused her of planting turnips! Yuck! I had to put him down before anyone heard his terrible words.¡± ¡°And he was trying to kill us, too,¡± Captain Toirtap said. The captain considered this a winning point, but Dren quickly pointed out what it wasn¡¯t. ¡°Do you know, most people do try and kill us, eventually,¡± Dren explained. ¡°Nanoc has that effect on people. My own opinion of this is that¡ª¡± ¡°We need to go,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°We need to go right now!¡± Their fights had not gone unnoticed. Trolls were climbing out of their pits and looking around. Nanoc smiled. ¡°Do you know, there are too many of them,¡± Dren said, grabbing the gnome¡¯s arm. ¡°We¡¯ll be here all day if you want to fight them all.¡± ¡°So?¡± ¡°So we¡¯ll miss dinner. Let¡¯s find the boss and beat him first, okay?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, ¡°Let¡¯s go inside the tower and lock the door. Quickly now!¡± They dragged the protesting gnome inside. ¡°What in the seven layers of heaven happened in here?¡± Captain Toirtap asked, looking at the ruins of the kitchen and the food sprayed across the roof and walls. ¡°The trolls were cooking,¡± Nanoc explained. ¡°What were they cooking?¡± ¡°Me,¡± Nanoc said grimly, twirling his masher in his fingers. ¡°And I wasn¡¯t very happy about it, either. Let¡¯s go find their boss, I have a few complaints to make to the manager.¡± 30. The troll king ¡°Go slowly now,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc warned as they approached the top of the tower. ¡°We do not know what we face, but if he controls all these trolls, it must be a monster of great power. Nanoc, you must prepare to use both your berserk abilities¡ª" ¡°I already used one in the kitchen,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°What? Already?¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°But you should have¡ª¡± ¡°They were making a cake with cabbages, Rotcel. Cabbages.¡± The room they entered was a single chamber that spanned the whole tower and was a mix of library and madhouse. Along one wall was a shelf holding a mess of books with names like ¡®Why the trolls should have won the uncivil war¡¯ piled up beside demotivation books like ¡®Everything that¡¯s wrong with your life is somebody else¡¯s fault¡¯ and ¡®Humans: they¡¯re the reason you smell bad.¡¯ The largest book of all was on its own pedestal. It was called ¡®The troll king¡¯s book of secrets¡¯ and Nanoc wanted to read it immediately. The wall next door was even worse: a net of red string connected a dozen painted images of lizardlings, the king, a puppy, and so on. Nanoc stared at it until his brain hurt. These things might have been related, but how did the sheep¡¯s skull fit in? Or the mango that had been wedged inside the sheep¡¯s mouth? How did that connect to an impossible picture of the world Below shown as a sphere, even though water would undoubtedly fall off the bottom? What did that have to do with the single white rose, the ancient gold coin, the bag of hair? How were they all connected? How? Nanoc and his friends stared at the wall; it was hypnotic, and the red lines connecting all the pieces seemed to move at random. ¡°Ah, I see you are admiring my research,¡± a deep voice said from across the room. ¡°It¡¯s quite true, you know.¡± ¡°Which bits? That sheep have been causing mango shortages? That the world is round, or¡ª¡± ¡°All of it,¡± a troll said, stepping forward. ¡°It¡¯s all true!¡± He was the most enormous troll they had seen, with deep purple skin and a bright white mohawk and beard. His beard was a wild, untamed thing that covered his neck and merged into his chest hair. It may have looked rugged on another person, but bits of popcorn and cheese were caught up in the hair, which rather ruined its glory. ¡°I am the king of the trolls,¡± he said, ¡°master of the ancient secrets. I made that board, I wrote that book. They are mine, and they are all true.¡± He was the king of the trolls, the most powerful troll of all. It was his fortress, his army, his training school. He was power, he was terror, he was indestructible. ¡°Dibs!¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°I call dibs. Leave him to me!¡± But Captain Toirtap was faster. The soldier charged the troll, sword drawn, shouting, ¡°For the princess! I mean¡­ the king!¡± The troll king moved with a speed that should have been impossible for something of his size, catching the captain in one massive hand and throwing him right out of the window. There was a scream and a clunk. The troll hadn¡¯t even exerted himself ¨C he hadn¡¯t used a skill or an ability, he just had really high strength and dexterity. Absurdly high. Even Nanoc felt concern, if not actual fear. Nobody wanted to be torn limb-from-limb by a troll and then eaten. Nanoc used his identify enemy skill.
Mit, King of the Trolls Level 37 Dark Lord It takes special cunning and brutality to rule over the trolls. Beware: while this troll is mighty in form, the real danger lies in his dark charisma!
¡°Weesh,¡± Nanoc muttered. ¡°Be careful, everyone, he¡¯s a level thirty-seven, you know.¡± That was very high. When Artifact designed the class system, it had set the maximum level for a single class at seven times seven. Most mortals Below only had a passing interest in the god Mathematics and struggled to count on whatever combination of fingers/claws/flippers they had been born with, so they interpreted the highest level to be anywhere between forty and sixty-three. Should a mortal reach the highest level for a single class (forty-nine, probably) they would ascend to the heavens Above on a pillar of flame to be lauded by the gods. It was a rare mortal who focused on a single class with such dedication that they might reach the final level, and even they faced terrible challenges from the gods themselves, who did not approve of mortals getting ideas above their station. The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. Mit, the troll king, was some way off from ascending to heaven, but he had followed the Dark lord class to such a high level that few other mortals could challenge him. He grinned at the trio of lesser-leveled adventurers, daring them to attack him. ¡°We may be in a bit of trouble here,¡± Nanoc whispered. ¡°I hate to admit it, but we should probably run.¡± ¡°No,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said suddenly. ¡°I mean, yes, we should, but how? He moves fast, for a troll, and if he shouts, he¡¯ll bring his whole army up the stairs. We need a distraction.¡± ¡°Have you three come to whisper amongst yourselves or to challenge my might?¡± the troll king demanded. ¡°Do I need to remind you to roll for initiative?¡± ¡°Us?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said guiltily. ¡°Oh, no, we haven¡¯t come to fight you.¡± ¡°But that soldier attacked me!¡± ¡°Him? Ah, no, we don¡¯t know him,¡± Nanoc said. Dren tried to correct the gnome, but Rotcel ¡®Loc elbowed the scholar in his stomach and he collapsed, breathless. The troll did not seem to notice. ¡°Yeah,¡± Nanoc said, ¡°I¡¯m glad you threw that guy out the window. Saved us some time. We actually just stopped by to, uh, to, uh, to see what you were up to. Yes, that¡¯s right. You¡¯re the king troll, and we wanted to see what great things you are doing.¡± It was lucky for Nanoc that barbarians were a class with strong charisma. His words seemed to mollify the troll lord.
Charisma check¡­ successful! The troll king is not going to eat you, yet
¡°Of course you don¡¯t want to challenge me, of course not,¡± the troll king said. ¡°You have no doubt come seeking my secrets, am I correct?¡± Dren coughed violently at the troll¡¯s audacity, but they could not afford to make the creature angry. ¡°We have certainly come a long way and fought many enemies to meet you,¡± Nanoc said, glancing down at Dren. The scholar nodded ¨C that was true enough, so far. ¡°Please, we are most interested in hearing of your plans for the kingdom.¡± ¡°Of course you are!¡± the troll lord snapped. ¡°I see the elf doubts me, but at least the dwarf is sensible.¡± Dren coughed again, and even Nanoc frowned, but they did not argue. ¡°Come here, I want to show you something,¡± the troll lord said. ¡°The other trolls are so dim, so it will be good to show my plans to someone reasonably intelligent for a change.¡± Nanoc glanced at Dren, who shrugged. The troll lord wasn¡¯t worried about them; why would he be? He could tell them all the secrets to his evil plan and then kill and eat them afterward. The troll turned away to a set of smelting equipment he had set up against a wall. ¡°Do you know, he seems to be drawing his great power from nearby artifacts,¡± Dren whispered. ¡°Perhaps if we destroy those¡ª¡± ¡°Attend me!¡± the troll shouted. ¡°Or do you not understand what greatness I am offering to show you? I am very intelligent, you see. I¡¯m probably the smartest person you will ever meet¡ª¡± This made Dren shudder. A thought struck the elf, and he returned to the conspiracy wall to read it. The troll ignored him. ¡°You have come at a critical time,¡± the troll continued. ¡°I have great plans, you see, that go beyond one kingdom. This place is a testing ground for the tools I will use to create an empire. See here!¡± ¡°Rings,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, suddenly interested. ¡°Golden ones.¡± ¡°Yes, here are seven rings of power that I have made, and into each one I have poured my will and malice!¡± ¡°Shiny,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, glancing over at Dren and wondering what the elf was doing. ¡°Very nice,¡± Nanoc agreed. ¡°But aren¡¯t they a bit small for your fingers?¡± ¡°The rings are a trick, dwarf! I shall unleash my troll armies on the kings and queens of seven lands, and when they are defeated, I shall gather them here and offer them these rings as a token of peace! But in truth the rings do not cause peace, they are a trap!¡± ¡°Oh?¡± ¡°Yes! I shall gather the kings and queens of the land here to my tower and in the darkness bind them!¡± ¡°Do you know, they¡¯re probably already blind if it¡¯s dark,¡± Dren said helpfully as he worked on the conspiracy board. ¡°I said bind them, not blind them,¡± the troll lord snapped. ¡°And get away from my board, elf!¡± ¡°Ah, well, binding is bit different, isn¡¯t it?¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Kinky. But as long as it¡¯s consensual. We¡¯re not judging.¡± ¡°What? No, that¡¯s not what¡ª¡± the troll king protested, turning away from Dren to glare at Nanoc. ¡°Whatever you¡¯re into,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, eyeing the window and wondering if she would survive the fall from it. ¡°No judgment at all!¡± ¡°That¡¯s not¡­ not like¡­ that¡¯s not what I meant!¡± the troll yelled. ¡°No judgment!¡± ¡°Will you stop that?¡± the troll demanded. No, I¡ª" The troll king stamped one massive foot in frustration and wagged a huge finger at Nanoc. ¡°You don¡¯t appreciate the brilliance of what I¡¯m doing here!¡± he whined. ¡°I¡ª" ¡°Done!¡± Dren called out from the conspiracy board. ¡°That¡¯s much better.¡± The troll king stopped in mid-sentence, then slowly turned around towards Dren. The hairs on the back of his massive neck rose in anger as he saw what the elf had been doing. ¡°You! Elf! What have you done to my beautiful board!¡± 31. Gnome smash! Dren was standing beside the troll lord¡¯s conspiracy board with a broad smile. The board was no longer an alluring sight; it now looked so dull and factual that it might have come straight out of a geography classroom. Nanoc¡¯s eyes grew tired just looking at it. ¡°I re-arranged it,¡± Dren explained. ¡°Look, now the theory of the round world is linked to the ancient religious idea that the universe is a tree and the worlds are fruit growing from its branches, which is all rather quaint.¡± ¡°Quaint! My board is not quaint! It is edgy and dangerous and¡ª¡± ¡°Do you know, I¡¯ve changed the puppy-eating conspiracies to puppies eating conspiracies, which makes much more sense because puppies eat everything.¡± ¡°Very cute,¡± Nanoc said in approval. ¡°Look at that little guy, eating a tin foil hat. Adorable!¡± ¡°No! No! The ideas on my board are dark and filled with bitter anger, they have no place for¡ªwait, what have you done with my maps of the secret underground lizardling kingdom?¡± ¡°Do you know, I changed ¡®lizardling¡¯ to ¡®mole people¡¯,¡± Dren said cheerfully, pointing to where he had scribbled a picture of a fat moleman over a wooden print of a lizardling. ¡°The molemen really do have an underground empire, after all. I¡¯ve been there. I took my mom, too.¡± ¡°No! Undo this!¡± the troll demanded angrily. ¡°How can it be a secret if even your mom has been there!¡± ¡°Do you know, it can¡¯t,¡± Dren said smugly. ¡°The molemen¡¯s tunnels are so well known that it¡¯s downright boring. They grow beats and potatoes.¡± ¡°How dare you!¡± the troll king shouted, his voice so loud that the walls themselves shuddered. Something was changing in the troll king, something was moving inside him. ¡°How dare you!¡± ¡°They grow beats?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said at the same time, crinkling her nose in disgust. ¡°Yuck.¡± ¡°Why?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°Beats are great.¡± ¡°Will you shut up, gnome!¡± the troll king screamed, ¡°I do not care about your beats! This elf¡­ this elf¡­ this elf¡­ has destroyed my precious board! I¡ªargh!¡± The troll king was shrinking, his levels dropping as his muscles evaporated. He had been drawing a lot of power from his conspiracy board before Dren destroyed it by making it a board of boring facts. Knowledge had struck back; the troll was screaming as he lashed out in blind rage. He was still very strong, however, and one of the blows hit Nanoc, sending him sliding across the ground. ¡°Ouch!¡± he complained. ¡°Well, good work, Dren, but he¡¯s still too powerful! That blow nearly killed me! What about the other items he¡¯s drawing power from? Can you break them, too?¡± ¡°Do you know, I can detect a lot of power coming from that big book, the one with his face on it!¡± Nanoc and Rotcel ¡®Loc dived towards the book. Rotcel ¡®Loc got there first, stabbing it with a knife and trying to cut it up. She couldn¡¯t. Nanoc reached for it, trying to tear it in two, but the troll had bound a good portion of his soul to the book of secrets and it was far tougher than paper had any right to be. Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators! ¡°Step away from that book, idiots,¡± the troll said. ¡°Little creatures like you can¡¯t handle the danger it contains. ¡°My middle name is danger,¡± Nanoc boasted. ¡°Do you know, your parents had a weird sense of humor¡ª" ¡°No, you dolt, you aren¡¯t dangerous, you are just one of the sheeple¡ª¡± the troll shouted accusingly, trying to intimidate them, but Nanoc wasn¡¯t having that. ¡°There¡¯s nothing wrong with being a sheep person,¡± Nanoc said stoutly. ¡°My brother¡¯s best friend was a sheep person. He was loyal, and kind, and once a year we used to sheer him and use the wool to make scarves. Sheeple are the best!¡± ¡°But the wolves of society¡ª¡± ¡°Can get bent! And so can you!¡± Nanoc¡¯s fire elemental leaped off his fingers and onto the page. It sniffed the book for a moment ¨C it was a health-conscious elemental and didn¡¯t like to eat junk food ¨C but then Nanoc pointed at the book. ¡°Get it!¡± he ordered. The flame flickered indecisively, then burnt through the book at great speed. ¡°No!¡± the troll shrieked. ¡°No! My precious words! I¡¯ll kill you all!¡± Nanoc dived to the side as the troll charged them. The beast was shrinking again, its muscle turning to fat, its talons becoming fingertips. It slapped the flames out, dispersing the fire, but it was too late. The book was gone. ¡°Do you know, I think this troll has taken a lot of shortcuts to get to such a high level,¡± Dren said, a little smugly. ¡°He¡¯s been using artifacts to boost his power. That was not wise.¡± The troll king was smaller now, but still terribly strong. He caught Nanoc by the head and threw him against the wall, hard, then spun towards Dren. ¡°Not wise?¡± the troll screamed. ¡°We¡¯ll, I¡¯ll be much wiser once I eat your brains!¡± ¡°Eating brain doesn¡¯t make you smart,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc protested, before quickly adding, ¡°Or so I¡¯ve heard.¡± ¡°He¡¯s still too high in level! What other artifacts is he relying on that we can destroy?¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°Do you know, I would assume the seven rings? If I had one, I could reverse engineer a spell to damage him,¡± Dren replied. ¡°Ah,¡± Rotcel said. ¡°That won¡¯t work, they¡¯ve vanished. I think you need to try something else.¡± The troll had cornered Dren; the elf was protecting himself under a shield of book-shaped mana, but each time the troll hit it the shield cracked a little. It wouldn¡¯t last. ¡°Do you know, my only regret is that I will not be able to document this death for future generations of scholars to learn from,¡± the elf said bravely. ¡°That¡¯s your only regret?¡± Nanoc muttered, clutching his head. The gnome glanced past the troll to the table where the seven golden rings had been. They were not there anymore. A thought occurred to him. ¡°Rotcel?¡± Nanoc shouted out. ¡°Yes, gnome?¡± ¡°Did you steal the nasty troll¡¯s magical rings?¡± ¡°What rings?¡± ¡°You know the ones! They were gold. Did you steal them?¡± ¡°Me?¡± ¡°Yes, you!¡± ¡°The rings?¡± ¡°Yes, lizard, the rings!¡± ¡°The golden rings?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°I know you did!¡± ¡°No, gnome.¡± ¡°Give them to Dren!¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Dren¡¯s about to die!¡± ¡°Yeah, but he seems fine with it.¡± ¡°We¡¯ll be next. You can¡¯t take gold to the afterlife!¡± ¡°I can try!¡± ¡°Come on, Rotcel!¡± ¡°No¡­ ah, fine. Here, Dren!¡± The lizardling rolled between the troll¡¯s legs, cartwheeled through the air, and landed beside the elf. She handed him a small bag that held the seven golden rings. ¡°Do you know, that¡¯s really helpful,¡± Dren said. ¡°I am grateful to you, my friend that¡ª¡± ¡°Dren!¡± ¡°Oh, right. Loc¡¯s Great typo!¡± Dren¡¯s choice of spell was quick, dirty, and desperate. It was also very strange: it could change a single letter of a person¡¯s soul script, but only for a while. Most considered it a prank spell, good for a bit of fun before it wore off. Dren, however, was struck by a moment of divine inspiration: the troll king shrank and screamed, cursing the elf. He had been a Dark Lord, terrible in his power, but Dren had temporarily reduced him to a Dork Lord. Not only had he lost levels, he¡¯d lost a lot of abilities, too. He was no longer invulnerable. He was now hugely embarrassed. He was still very, very large. But everyone was larger than Nanoc, and he never let that stop him. ¡°Right!¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°Leave him to me!¡± 32. Get gnomed! Nanoc threw himself at the troll king, who roared angrily and lashed out with his long, purple arms. They traded blows and insults at a breakneck pace, neither able to overcome the other. The troll king was still at a far higher level, but dork lords were better suited to board games than combat, and the fight was well-balanced. Rotcel ¡®Loc sighed, standing with her back against the wall. From time to time she¡¯d flick a knife out at the dork lord¡¯s back as he passed, but this was only a half-hearted attempt at assassination. ¡°Can we hurry this along?¡± she shouted out as the troll grabbed Nanoc by the gnome¡¯s legs and bounced his head on the floor with a thunk thunk thunk. ¡°I want to start sacking this place.¡± Dren was busy staring at the troll. The scholar had pulled out one of his many notebooks and was recording the fight, although he was occasionally forced to sidestep and dodge as Nanoc or the troll came whirling by. ¡°Do you know, the troll is still healing very fast,¡± Dren said. ¡°Yeah, I know,¡± Nanoc agreed as the troll slipped on a banana peel and slid into a wall. ¡°Is there anything you can do about it?¡± ¡°Do?¡± Dren said, surprised. ¡°I was merely taking a note. I didn¡¯t realize you actually expected me to do anything.¡± ¡°What a typical worshiper of Knowledge,¡± Nanoc muttered. ¡°I could use a little help here!¡± Rotcel Loc sighed. Why was it always up to her to save the day, she wondered? Luckily for the others, she was a wise lizardling and knew exactly what to do. ¡°Hey, Nanoc!¡± she shouted out. ¡°Beat this guy before he makes you eat a cabbage cake!¡± ¡°Ah,¡± the troll said triumphantly. ¡°Well, actually, that¡¯s a great idea¡ª" Nanoc kicked the troll so hard in the head that the massive creature spun in a circle, dazed. Rotcel ¡®Loc nodded in satisfaction. Dren shook his head. ¡°Do you know, Nanoc hates cabbage,¡± the elf explained almost apologetically. ¡°Everyone does, I know, but he really hates it.¡± ¡°Gnome smash!¡± Nanoc screamed as he activated his berserk skill.
Berserk ability activated! Who needs size when you have anger issues!
¡°Cabbages! Are not! Tasty!¡± Nanoc shouted, leaping onto the troll¡¯s chest and punching the troll¡¯s head with each word. The troll broke free from the onslaught and stumbled to one of the shelves set against the wall. Several rusty buckets had been lined up on the shelf. ¡°I didn¡¯t want to do this¡­¡± the troll muttered. ¡°But I suppose I have no choice!¡± The troll lord grabbed a bucket and drank from it. His arms grew to their previous, massive size, muscles popping up like balloons, and his chest stretching and reforming to its former glory. Nanoc charged him, but the troll swiped the gnome away, drank from another bucket, and then the third. He grew until he was larger than ever, and his form almost filled the room. ¡°Do you know,¡± Dren said, as one of the troll¡¯s legs pushed him up against the wall, ¡°This is only temporary. If we can keep him busy¡ª¡± Nanoc suddenly slumped as the power from his berserk ability left him. The troll grabbed Nanoc in one massive hand and punched him with the other, then smashed the gnome into the ground with such force that the stone cracked and the tower swayed.
Critical hit! You are dying!
Rotcel shouted out in warning, and even Dren realized something was wrong, but it was too late ¨C the troll had moved at such terrible speed that they hadn¡¯t been able to act. Nanoc lay on the ground, flatter than any gnome should be, blood spilling out of his sides. ¡°Huh¡­¡± the troll said, gasping from the effort. ¡°You have been defeated by¡­ my final form!¡± But while Nanoc had been beaten up, he hadn¡¯t been beaten down. He was a gnome with a plan. It was a terribly dangerous plan, possibly even insane. Still, the little gnome was relying on his barbarian class to save the day. He looked at the pool of blood around him and smiled. Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings. ¡°Would you¡­ consider¡­ me¡­ critically wounded?¡± the gnome panted. ¡°Yes,¡± the troll said. ¡°Absolutely.¡± ¡°Yeah.¡± ¡°Do you know, I think you¡¯re almost dead.¡± ¡°Good.¡± ¡°Good?¡± ¡°Yeah. Now I can do this!¡±
Final stand! Living with one foot in Death¡¯s domain has its advantages! Your strength and dexterity double when you are critically wounded!
The gnome leaped back to his feet, waving a small fist at the troll in defiance of the enormous beast. The gnome raised his masher over his head, ready to fight. ¡°Pish, that¡¯s not very impressive,¡± the massive troll muttered. ¡°I can still kill you with one hit. If this is all you have planned for the endgame¡ª¡± Dren muttered a spell from the corner and Nanoc¡¯s skin became thick and leathery like a hardcover book. A moment later, a layer of glowing white pages appeared around Nanoc, forming a shield. Rotcel ¡®Loc threw Nanoc a knife, and the gnome caught it in his free hand. A bright blue liquid dripped down the blade ¨C it was poisoned. ¡°Meh,¡± the troll said, still unimpressed. ¡°That won¡¯t do either. You are weak, gnome. Your berserk ability was impressive, but my scan skill tells me you can only do that twice a day, and you already have. You¡¯re out of tricks and out of luck, gnome.¡± But he was wrong. So very wrong. Chaos, the firstborn of the gods, had spent several enjoyable evenings dunking Mathematics in a duckpond when the unfortunate younger god had pointed out that Chaos had miscounted something. Chaos did not believe in stories getting cut short because of counting, and while she had long been missing from the world Below, her influence remained. All it took was a good reason to break the rules. Dren?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc called out. ¡°Are pumpkins berries?¡± ¡°Do you know, pumpkins are berries,¡± Dren confirmed.
Congratulations: Bonus Berserk unlocked! You are berry, berry angry!
Nanoc¡¯s body surged with the combined power of final stand and berserk, his muscles bulging and the veins on the side of his head popping out as blood rushed through them. ¡°No!¡± the troll lord shouted. ¡°Get gnomed!¡± Nanoc screamed, throwing himself at the troll with such incredible fury that the huge creature fell onto his back with the gnome barbarian clutching his beard. The troll slapped at the gnome, but his powerful blows just bounced off Nanoc¡¯s magical armor. The gnome grabbed one of the troll¡¯s large fingers and twisted it until the troll shrieked, then Nanoc was moving again, kicking and punching with incredible strength. ¡°We¡¯re still going with ¡®get gnomed¡¯ as a catchphrase, then?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°I preferred ¡®gnome smash¡¯.¡± ¡°Do you know, ¡®get gnomed¡¯ doesn¡¯t even make grammatical sense,¡± Dren agreed. ¡°I think gnome-ageddon is¡ª" The tower shuddered as the troll king beat a massive fist into the ground, missing Nanoc but cracking the stone floor. Nanoc twisted past the troll¡¯s long arms and slapped his poisoned knife into the troll¡¯s heart. The huge beast screamed and flailed his arms and legs, but although his movements grew slower, he didn¡¯t die. ¡°Trolls are immune¡­ to poison,¡± the troll king said, although this clearly wasn¡¯t true as his skin turned blue around the wound. ¡°Even¡­ whatever this is.¡± ¡°It¡¯s essence of Monday morning,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°It might not kill you, but it will definitely hurt. It¡¯s nasty stuff.¡± Dren gasped. ¡°Do you know, that stuff is illegal in most multiverses! Even ones where the concept of Monday doesn¡¯t even exist!¡± The troll groaned, his giant body slowing and shrinking as whatever had been in the buckets stopped working. Despite everything, however, he wasn¡¯t dying. After a while even Nanoc grew tired of pummeling the troll. ¡°I can¡¯t die,¡± the troll lord said smugly. We trolls can regenerate so fast that¡ª¡± ¡°Shut up. Dren, what am I doing wrong here?¡± Nanoc demanded. ¡°Do you know, it seems that physical damage alone will not defeat this boss,¡± Dren said, frowning. ¡°Even this horrible poison only helps contain him. We will need a new approach. Trolls are traditionally weak against fire¡ª" ¡°Don¡¯t use fire!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shouted. ¡°That damned elemental will burn this tower down and kill us all!¡± ¡°No, I have a spell¡ª" ¡°I¡¯m immune to fire spells,¡± the troll said cheerfully. That may even have been true. It didn¡¯t matter anymore. Nanoc knew what to do. ¡°Dren?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°Yeah, Nanoc?¡± ¡°Do you have any spells that can turn this troll into a potato?¡± ¡°What?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc and the troll lord said together. ¡°Do you know, I can. I used to work in the university kitchens, where they had me turning rocks into food. Rebut¡¯s great transformation!¡± There was a flash of light, and the troll boss was transformed into an enormous potato. The new shape suited his personality well, but the transformation was imperfect: he still had a mouth. ¡°This won¡¯t stop me,¡± the troll said. ¡°You think this is a victory for you? No, just because your masters, the lizardling cannibals who live in their evil underground empire¡ª¡± ¡°We don¡¯t live underground!¡± ¡°¡ªjust because they hurt me a little, they think they have won? Never!¡± ¡°Give it up,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said tiredly. ¡°You¡¯re a potato. If you just surrender¡ª" ¡°Surrender? Never,¡± the troll lord said defiantly. ¡°I am in incredible shape, the best. People come up to me and say they¡¯ve never seen such a beautiful potato! I have never been in better physical shape!¡± Nanoc sighed. ¡°That might be the truest thing you¡¯ve ever said,¡± the gnome replied, then brought down his Masher with a splatt. It was a critical hit; the potato exploded, covering the walls, the roof, and Nanoc himself. ¡°Gross,¡± the gnome said, wiping mashed potato out of his face. ¡°I hate root vegetables. Wait, are potatoes a berry? Dren, is a potato a¡ª¡± ¡°Do you know, we won, which is most surprising,¡± Dren said, ignoring the gnome. ¡°But I can hear a loud rumbling outside ¨C I think the other trolls are angry!¡±
Quest complete! Congratulations! You have mashed the Troll Lord and completed your quest! The Egareva kingdom is now rid of the troll menace! Return to the king to reclaim your prize¡­ unless he¡¯s changed his mind. 33. Its better to light an elemental than curse the darkness The courtyard outside the tower was filled with rowdy trolls ¨C without the troll king¡¯s influence, they had reverted back to their normal behavior, which is to say they were trying to eat each other. The courtyard was a nightmare of trolls fighting and biting, punching and munching, kicking and licking. Troll limbs ¨C only some of which were still attached to their owners ¨C were flying through the air like a tempest of bad taste. ¡°How do we get past that?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, peering out of the tower¡¯s door. A troll arm slammed into the wall beside her, and she hissed in surprise. ¡°Run?¡± Nanoc suggested. Rotcel sighed. ¡°I was afraid you¡¯d say that. Okay, on three. One, two¡ª¡± Nanoc sprinted off, kicking trolls as he ran past them. Rotcel sighed, then grabbed Dren by the robe and pulled the scholar through the mayhem and out of the castle. It wasn¡¯t so hard, in the end: the trolls were more interested in each other than the adventurers. Within a few minutes, the trio of friends had escaped the castle and stood, panting, outside the walls. ¡°Right then,¡± Nanoc said brightly. ¡°That was fun, but it¡¯s probably time to leave. I could use a healing potion or ten.¡± ¡°And a bath,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc muttered. ¡°And a pie,¡± Nanoc added. ¡°Let¡¯s go back and see the king, he¡¯ll be so pleased that we¡¯ve returned¡­ and he owes us a little something, too.¡± They hadn¡¯t gone very far when Dren froze in his place. ¡°Wait,¡± the elf called out. He turned back and stared at the troll fortress and frowned deeply. As a devoted follower of the god of truth, the troll farm offended Dren in a place deep within his soul. Knowledge was a gentle god whose approach to wayward mortals was to lecture rather than smite, but even he had limits, and the troll farm could not be left to stand as it was. Yet Dren had always lived by the motto ¡®read and let live,¡¯ and his spirit was one of collation rather than destruction. So it was just lucky for him that he wasn¡¯t traveling alone. ¡°Nanoc,¡± Dren said. ¡°Yes?¡± ¡°Do you know, the walls of this fortress are built of copperbark timber, which is most flammable.¡± ¡°The fortress is flammable?¡± Nanoc asked with sudden interest. ¡°Extremely. The troll king was very unwise. Do you think, perhaps, you could do me a favor and use your pet fire elemental to burn this fortress down? Just a little?¡± Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon. ¡°Just a little?¡± ¡°Yes, if you could.¡± ¡°He¡¯ll probably end up burning the whole forest down while we¡¯re still in it,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc warned. ¡°You know how his elemental can be. We defeated the troll king, Dren, and the trolls will end up pulling the fortress down themselves. Let¡¯s just leave it.¡± Dren shook his head. ¡°Do you know, its very existence cuts my heart. I cannot leave, knowing what still lies beyond those fortress walls.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll do it,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Please listen to me before saying no,¡± Dren explained passionately. ¡°The trolls are evil. They intentionally abused the truth for their own selfish ends, and they¡¯re destroying this kingdom and its people. It cannot be allowed.¡± ¡°I said ¡®okay,¡¯¡± Nanoc replied. ¡°I¡¯m happy to do it.¡± ¡°Do you know,¡± Dren continued, his emotion getting the better of him, ¡°Evil wins when good elves do nothing, gnome, and I will not be so weak as to¡ª¡± ¡°Dren!¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll do it. It will be fun.¡± ¡°I think most of the trolls have already run away,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc pointed out. ¡°Do you know, it¡¯s the principle of the thing. So can you¡­¡± Nanoc summoned his fire elemental onto the ground by his feet. The little elemental danced eagerly up and down until he pointed it at the fortress. ¡°Burn the fortress down,¡± he said to it. ¡°But just the fortress, you hear me? And then come straight back. Don¡¯t go playing in the forest or anything. Right?¡± The little elemental nodded insincerely, smiling and chuckling to itself in the way all fires do. ¡°Come right back, or there won¡¯t be any marshmallows for dessert,¡± Nanoc warned it. The elemental shrank down a little, sad at the very thought of such a punishment. It raced off, eager to burn something down. They watched it climb the fortress walls. A moment later, flames erupted over the walls and angry, panicked shouts were heard. The last few trolls still in the fortress flung themselves over the walls and raced off into the forest. One ran right past Dren, who knocked it unconscious with a big book of spells. Thunk. It was not long before the whole fortress was a torch, and all the lies that had been taught within its walls were burnt to ashes which were carried into the sky by the fire and allowed to fall elsewhere in the world. ¡°That elemental is going to get you into trouble one day,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°That thing? Nah, my little flame is a good little flame.¡± Dren shot his friend a disapproving look. He did not like lies, even after asking for a favor. ¡°It¡¯s good¡­ most of the time?¡± Nanoc tried. The elven scholar made an unhappy grumble. ¡°Some of the time, anyway,¡± Nanoc corrected himself. ¡°Look, it¡¯s burning the fortress down, which is what you wanted.¡± It was true. Justice ¨C albeit the type that leaves a smoking crater ¨C had been served. The kingdom was saved. ¡°Do you know, we¡¯ve done it,¡± Dren said triumphantly. ¡°The king will be so pleased. I bet he¡¯ll want to reward us. You can have his crown, Rotcel! He might even have another truly fascinating book for my collection.¡± ¡°We¡¯ll see,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said glumly. ¡°What do you mean by that?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°Surely the king will be true to his word?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc sighed. ¡°Rich people like to stay rich, gnome, and they don¡¯t do that by sharing their money. We should have gotten a contract.¡± ¡°Well, we¡¯ll burn that bridge when we come to it.¡± ¡°Wait,¡± Nanoc said, turning back to the burning fortress. ¡°Are we forgetting something?¡± ¡°No, I don¡¯t think so,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°I definitely stole everything of value I could find.¡± ¡°I mean¡­ no, it¡¯s okay. I just feel like there was something important we were supposed to do.¡± ¡°We did,¡± Dren said, with some satisfaction. ¡°Look, the trolls are defeated and their fortress is in flames! Who would have thought that three people could achieve such greatness!¡± ¡°Three?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, then frowned. ¡°Captain Toirtap definitely got out of the fortress before you burned it down, right? Right?¡± 34. Payment Nanoc and his friend returned to King Naem¡¯s castle and were led directly to the throne room, where the king and his daughter were waiting for them. ¡°Did you succeed in your quest?¡± the king asked doubtfully. ¡°Yes, we were victorious against the trolls, and even brought your servant, Tiortap, back unharmed,¡± Nanoc declared triumphantly. They¡¯d found the captain laying face down on the ground near the fortress and Nanoc had dragged him all the way back to the castle. Tiortap¡¯s clothes had been burned by the fire elemental, and he was unconscious and still smoking slightly. Rotcel ¡®Loc patted a few embers burning on his helmet. ¡°Mostly unharmed,¡± Dren corrected Nanoc. ¡°Sorry,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°He¡¯ll wake up in a day or two.¡± ¡°Anyway, we¡¯re back,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°The trolls are defeated and we would like to be showered in our due reward now.¡± The gnome meant dinner and maybe a real shower, but the king and the princess shared a look. The princess shook her head slightly. ¡°We¡­ did not expect you to return,¡± the king said cautiously. ¡°We fear we may have suggested a greater reward than our kingdom can truly pay. We are so very poor¡ª¡± ¡°Your crown is made from gold and diamonds,¡± Nanoc pointed out. ¡°We¡¯ll take that.¡± ¡°¡ªso very, very poor,¡± the king continued. ¡°Do you know how much a castle like this costs to maintain? We only do it for the sake of the nation. And servants, too, are so expensive! Really, even the peasants in the fields have more money than us¡ª¡± Nanoc groaned; Rotcel ¡®Loc had been right. The lizardling herself was far less calm about it all. ¡°I knew it,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shouted. ¡°I knew we needed a formal contract! You cheating¡ª¡± The princess drew a small bag from her pocket and threw it at Rotcel¡¯s feet. The bag broke, scattering gold coins across the ground. ¡°We agreed that your reward would be gold and jewels,¡± the princess said. ¡°I don¡¯t think we ever settled on an actual amount. We believe this is adequate.¡± ¡°Do you know, we fought the troll king for you,¡± Dren said, annoyed. ¡°He was a mighty beast, and we bested him.¡± ¡°So you claim,¡± the king said. ¡°But we never saw this troll king, so¡ª¡± ¡°Outrageous!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shouted. ¡°We saved this ten-penny kingdom!¡± ¡°And we can just as easily unsave it,¡± Nanoc said quietly. ¡°Perhaps its time to usher in a republic. We could have a representative democracy installed by sundown, if you aren¡¯t careful.¡± ¡°What? Are you threatening me, gnome?¡± the king demanded. ¡°Yes. I thought that was pretty clear.¡± ¡°Do you know, it was.¡± ¡°You wouldn¡¯t dare¡ª¡± ¡°We smashed the king troll,¡± Nanoc boasted. ¡°He was a level thirty-something, and we smooshed him to nothing. I can do far worse to you.¡± ¡°Wait!¡± the king said, recognizing the truth in the gnome¡¯s threat. ¡°Perhaps we can negotiate a reward other than treasure. The traditional reward for saving the kingdom from disaster is half the kingdom and the princess¡¯s hand in marriage.¡± The barbarian and the princess grunted in unison at this suggestion. They glanced at each other, neither seeing anything they liked. ¡°I could never marry a gnome,¡± the Princess insisted. ¡°He is far too small and too gnome and too ¡­ well, just too everything I dislike. Plus, he has red hair. Really, father, the very suggestion!¡± Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there. ¡°And I could never marry into a strict hierarchy where honor and power are bestowed on people based on the accident of birth rather than on talent or dedication,¡± Nanoc protested. ¡°When the peasants finally revolt, I¡¯d just open the gates to let them in.¡± The princess glared at the gnome. She had never been so insulted in her life. ¡°How dare you not want to marry me!¡± she demanded. ¡°You didn¡¯t want to marry me, first,¡± Nanoc reminded her. ¡°That¡¯s different! I¡ª¡± ¡°Daughter! Think of the kingdom! If the gnome will not have my daughter then perhaps you, elf, would consider making her your wife?¡± ¡°Do you know, no,¡± Dren said politely but firmly. ¡°No.¡± ¡°Ah. The lizardling, then?¡± ¡°Dad!¡± the princess shouted at her father. ¡°Stop trying to marry me off! I have my own¡­ you know what, it doesn¡¯t matter! I¡¯m leaving! And I¡¯m taking Toirtap with me!¡± The princess gestured at the nearest guards to drag the captain out of the throne room, then stormed off after them. ¡°And I¡¯m also a ¡®no¡¯ for marriage,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc added, unnecessarily. ¡°You agreed our reward would be crowns, jewels, gold. Lots of them. That¡¯s what I want. Hand them over.¡± ¡°Wait!¡± the king said again, in a final desperate attempt to save his treasure. ¡°I have one last offer. What about¡­. slaves, gnome?¡± ¡°Slaves?¡± Nanoc said, shocked. ¡°Slaves,¡± Dren said, writing this down in his journal. ¡°Slaves,¡± Rotec ¡®Loc said, shaking her head. Slaves were not shiny. ¡°Slaves,¡± the king replied, nodding. ¡°My soldiers have rounded up several of the weaker trolls that fled the fortress. Take them and sell them, the reward is all yours.¡± Slaves were not uncommon in Static Empire where Nanoc had lived. Every hierarchy needs a lowest level, a foundation of people who work hard for the system but get no benefit from it. Slavery was organized, slavery was ordered. ¡°Their value is beyond mere gold,¡± the king said, ¡°I¡ª" He stopped when he saw the expression on Nanoc¡¯s face. A storm was brewing inside the gnome. Rotcel ¡®Loc shook her head and took several steps back to escape. Dren placed a hand on the gnome¡¯s arm, but Nanoc shrugged it aside. ¡°No slaves,¡± he said softly. ¡°Not today, not ever. Let them go.¡± The banana of mayhem, which had been silent so far, rattled in agreement. Chaos was the god of freedom, of rebellion, of breaking chains. Freedom was fun, slavery was suffering and evil. It was not to be tolerated. ¡°But they¡¯re trolls!¡± ¡°Even so,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Let them go!¡± ¡°Let them¡­ let them go, gnome? Do you know how much a troll slave is worth? You could be rich!¡± ¡°Who cares?¡± Nanoc said. Dren nodded in agreement, and even Rotcel ¡®Loc did not argue. The lizardling knew that to find a treasure was honest work ¨C even if the treasure¡¯s previous owner disagreed ¨C but to take a slave was a terrible business. ¡°As my reward, I demand you let the trolls go,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°The troll king has been defeated and the surviving trolls pose no real risk. Let them free, and perhaps they will learn to be better creatures.¡± ¡°They won¡¯t,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, quite correctly. ¡°They might be.¡± ¡°Do you know, I¡¯m surprised any escaped at all,¡± Dren said, frowning. ¡°I was sure Nanoc¡¯s fire elemental got them all. ¡°That was you? That fire elemental is burning through half my kingdom!¡± the king shouted. ¡°How dare you release such a dangerous thing in my land!¡± ¡°Yeah, well, trolls are weak against fire. Everyone knows that.¡± The king had been growing increasingly red in the face during Nanoc¡¯s speech. ¡°So are farmers! And houses! And¡ªand¡ª¡± he shouted, so angry that he spluttered to a stop. ¡°No, this cannot be allowed to stand! You insult my daughter, you demand my own crown, you burn the land! Guards! Throw these ghastly people out! They will have no reward from me!¡± ¡°How convenient for you,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc sighed, but Nanoc was far more excited. ¡°Yeah!¡± Nanoc shouted eagerly. ¡°Come on, throw me out!¡± With the trolls gone, a lot of the king¡¯s guards had returned to his service. There was a clatter of armor as guards raced into the room. They were not unexpected: Dren dropped a glass vial on the floor, and thick smoke filled the air, obscuring everything. Rotcel ¡®Loc was already walking to the door to leave. She stepped aside as a dozen gold-plated guards rushed int the room, then walked into the corridor outside the throne room. She winced at the sound of furniture breaking, pulled a pack of cards from her pocket, and shuffled it absent-mindedly. A moment later, one of the guards flew out the door and rolled across the ground. It was one of the three guards recruited by Captain Toirtap that had fled from the bandits. ¡°Hello again,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°Tell me, does the king have a treasure room or something?¡± The guard groaned. Rotcel sighed, kicked him gently in the head until he passed out, and then stole everything of worth he had. It was not much. Flames burst from the throne room¡¯s doorway, scorching the roof and walls. There was more shouting, a furious yell, several comical twangs, and the familiar sharp sounds of metal striking metal. A dozen new guards raced up the corridor, ignoring her in their haste to get to the king. She tripped the last one, who fell on the one before him, who fell forward, causing a wave of guards to stumble into the throne room with a clatter. A few moments later, there came a final loud bang! and the king¡¯s crown rolled out into the corridor, wobbling uncertainly until it hit Rotcel ¡®Loc¡¯s foot. She picked it up. ¡°Well,¡± she said, placing it inside her robe. ¡°That will do, I suppose.¡± An all too rude interlude It was late the next evening when Nanoc and his friends were summoned to the author¡¯s office. They were surprised by this invitation ¨C the author usually met them inside the book for their rehearsals, and they had never been to his office before. They were not particularly impressed. The office was a small room containing a desk, a few maps on the wall, several piles of books, and a dozen empty cups of coffee. One of them had mold growing in it. ¡°This is all a bit meta,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc complained to the author. ¡°I thought we agreed not to do this sort of thing. You told us it would be all fantasy-slash-comedy, none of this mind-bending meet-your-maker stuff. We lizardlings don¡¯t go for meta, you know.¡± ¡°I know,¡± the author sighed. ¡°You think it¡¯s as bad as¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s as bad as farming!¡± the lizardling snapped. ¡°I know, I know,¡± the author said. ¡°Just hear me out, okay?¡± Rocel ¡®Loc shrugged and cast a professional glance over the author¡¯s desk. The only thing of any value was a golden pen. She eyed it greedily. ¡°The thing is,¡± the author said, picking up the pen and placing it in his pocket. ¡°The thing is, we have a problem.¡± ¡°That¡¯s true,¡± Dren said, pointing to a map on the wall. ¡°That maps all wrong. It shows a round world, which defies all we know about the universe.¡± ¡°Focus, please,¡± the author said. ¡°I¡ª" ¡°Can I smell pie?¡± Nanoc piped up. ¡°Did you have pie for lunch?¡± ¡°Look,¡± the author said sternly. ¡°I like you three, even though you tend to ignore my scripts entirely and ad-lib all your dialogue. Even when you refuse to use my hilarious jokes about mushrooms¡ª¡± You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version. ¡°Mushrooms aren¡¯t funny,¡± Nanoc muttered. ¡°¡ªand have this long-running argument about berries instead, as if anyone cares if strawberries are really berries¡ª¡± ¡°They are! Nanoc said at the same time as Dren shouted ¡°They aren¡¯t!¡± The gnome and elf glared at each other. The author sighed and shook his head. It was his own fault, really. ¡°Come on,¡± he pleaded. ¡°I need your help.¡± ¡°What¡¯s the problem, then?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°We aren¡¯t getting enough reviews,¡± the author said. ¡°Which makes it hard for new readers to find us. The Banana of Mayhem might not care about mortal opinions, but other mortals do, and the algorithms that run my world care a lot.¡± ¡°Not a problem,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Just tell the readers that if they don¡¯t leave a review, I¡¯ll go around to their house and fart on their pillows.¡± The author considered this for a moment, then shook his head. ¡°The Geneva convention wouldn¡¯t allow it. Plus, how many pillows could you actually fart on each day?¡± ¡°Lots,¡± Nanoc said proudly. ¡°No. Threats aren¡¯t the way, we need something else.¡± ¡°Can we bribe them?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked. ¡°A couple of dragon teeth would be¡ª" ¡°Bribes?¡± the author asked, amazed. ¡°Come on, Rotcel, you know our budget is so small that I¡¯m using an old tablecloth for the book cover. And anyway, it would be unethical to offer bribes.¡± ¡°So¡­ we are allowed to threaten them, then?¡± Nanoc said. ¡°No!¡± ¡°Do you know, perhaps if we offer the reader this short book of history and metatheory of¡ª¡± ¡°Boring!¡± all the others said at once. ¡°We want them to read on, not hate us,¡± the author explained. ¡°Uh. Good point.¡± The problem was solved, as it so often was, by the magical banana that had started it all. The banana floated out of Nanoc¡¯s pocket and looked directly at you, the reader. You blink, surprised that the author would make such a bold move as addressing you directly, but that¡¯s what he¡¯s doing.
New quest! The Banana of Mayhem demands you leave a review of The Gnome Barbarian or DIE TRYING! Reward: 1000 gold pieces. Imaginary ones.
The author and the trio of adventurers stared at the words of the quest as they hovered overhead. ¡°Do you know, I¡¯m not sure that will work,¡± Dren said doubtfully. ¡°It works on me,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°I always end up doing what the banana asks me to.¡± ¡°Why?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked. ¡°Be sensible, lizard,¡± Nanoc explained patiently. ¡°It¡¯s a magical banana; why wouldn¡¯t I do what it tells me to." 35. The Inn-stant It was a cold day, with thick clouds hugging the ground as if they were suddently scared of heights. Nanoc and his friends had been traveling deep into the heart of the Very Badlands, seeking new things to punch, learn, or steal. The Very Badlands had lived up to its reputation by providing all three in droves. ¡°Gnomeageddon!¡± Nanoc shouted at his latest foe, an eight-foot treeman with a dozen long wooden arms. Nanoc was hanging from the treeman¡¯s lichen beard while punching its face. The great wooden monster was beginning to panic as it face the wrath of the universe¡¯s only gnome barbarian. ¡°Do you know, I think this tree might be an endangered species. Try and get an undamaged branch or two for me to look at, would you? Do it for science, Nanoc!¡± Dren shouted out. ¡°No, leave the poor tree monster alone, would you? We don¡¯t even need the kindling,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, annoyed. The lizardling treasure hunter was sitting on a stone a safe distance away, cleaning dirt out of her talons with a knife. ¡°It attacked me first, Rotcel!¡± This was true. The treeman was an ambush predator that used the bodies of its foes as compost ¨C the larger the heap, the more likely it would attract a treelady¨C and it had expected the three travelers to be easy marks. It had been wrong. This was the sort of mistake a treeman would only make once. ¡°Do you know, all I requested is an undamaged branch,¡± Dren complained as the gnome and tree spun past, each trying to strangle the other. ¡°That¡¯s not so much to ask, is it? All of these ones you are throwing down are broken!¡± Nanoc had been slowly whittling the tree-man down by pulling branches off and using them as clubs so that the tree was being destroyed by its own detached limbs. This could have been a grim sight, but don¡¯t feel sorry for the treeman ¨C he had recently eaten a puppy. He was a bad tree. ¡°Die, you foul green beast!¡± Nanoc shouted as the treeman tried to bite his head off. ¡°I shall defeat you and leave this forest safer!¡± ¡°This is unnecessary!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc complained loudly. ¡°The tree is so slow we can just walk away! Let¡¯s go find somewhere warm and dry, Nanoc, my scales are freezing off!¡± Nanoc screamed and punched the treeman so hard that his trunk split and the beast toppeled over, smashing into pieces. Nanoc landed on the roots, kicking them a few times, but the treeman was dead. ¡°Got it!¡± Nanoc said triumphantly, taking a bough. ¡°Well done,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, rolling her eyes. ¡°And what¡¯s our reward? Moss?¡± ¡°I think I saw a bird¡¯s nest on the upper branches; there may be eggs,¡± Nanoc said, and the lizardling¡¯s eyes brightened. ¡°Breakfast!¡± ¡°Do you know, it was and endangered species,¡± Dren said, examining the fallen tree. The others ignored him. Lots of species became endangered after meeting Nanoc. ¡°I went up a level!¡± Nanoc said triumphantly. ¡°That makes me level seven! I was a level three after the toads, then level four from Mary¡¯s lamb, then level five from the trolls and level six from the¡­ you know, the thing with the land fish¡ª" All three of them shuddered in unison. Dren turned pale, and Rotcel dropped the egg she was holding. It smashed on her foot, but she didn¡¯t seem to notice. ¡°We agreed not to talk about the land fish,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc growled, rubbing a long cut across her neck that was only beginning to heal. ¡°I never want to hear about the land fish again. Ever.¡± ¡°Ever,¡± Dren repeated, poking at a set of teeth marks in his robe. ¡°Do you know, it hurts me to say it, but some things are best forgotten, and the land fish are one of those things.¡± ¡°¡ªI mean, sure,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°So I reached level six after that thing we don¡¯t talk about¡ª¡± Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site. ¡°No! Even saying we¡¯re not talking about it makes me think about what we¡¯re not talking about!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc snapped. ¡°Just¡­ it never happened, okay? Ever. You jumped two levels from the trolls.¡± ¡°Indeed,¡± Dren agreed, looking down at his feet. ¡°And let us never even not mention this again. Please.¡± The incident with the land fish had been so terrible that Dren only took the briefest set of notes and hadn¡¯t complained when Nanoc had set it on fire The less said about this all, the better. ¡°Okay, so I got to level six from the trolls¡­ and now level seven from this tree thing!¡± Nanoc said. ¡°And nothing happened between those two things, so now we can never think about it, right?¡± But it was too late. ¡°Remember the flippers?¡± Dren asked, shuddering. ¡°Remember the dancing? The romance?¡± They stood in horrified contemplation of what they had seen, of what they had done. It had been terrible. Weaker mortals would not have survived; stronger mortals would not have wanted to survive. Nanoc and his friends were just mid-range enough to make it through. ¡°Anyway, I¡¯ve got a new ability to select! I¡ª¡±
Congratulations! You have a new ability! The banana will select one for you¡­ It has chosen Inn-stant!
¡°Ah,¡± Nanoc said, a little letdown. He had been hoping to select his own ability. He¡¯d been thinking about some kind of powerful attack, or maybe something to do with jumping. That would have been fun. Stupid banana. ¡°What did you select?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked curiously. ¡°I have no idea! I just got it! Stand back, I¡¯m going to test it!¡± ¡°No!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said as Dren dived for cover. Nanoc used his new skill, Inn-stant. A high pitched deee deee deee, dooo dooo doo sounded out like an alarm. This sped up to deedeedoodododoo. Rotcel ¡®Loc lay on the ground and cursed, and the sound switched to a deep, ominous doododoo. Then silence. Nothing happened. Nanoc looked around expectantly. Nothing continued to happen for quite some time. ¡°Ah,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Maybe it''s broken or¡ª?¡± ¡°Can anyone else hear that?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked. ¡°A sort of¡­ whistling sound? ¡°No.¡± ¡°No?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure I can hear ¨C hey, can you see something up there?¡± ¡°Is it a bird? Is it an angel?¡± Dren asked excitedly. ¡°No, it¡¯s a¡­ building?¡± A wide stone building was falling through the sky in pieces. The ground shook as the foundations and flagstones landed. The walls and front door followed, sending a wave of dust flying outward, and finally, the roof dropped on with the clunk thunk tunk of tiles. No building should be able to survive such a drop ¨C it should have been a crater or at least a ruin. When the dust finally cleared, however, the building was quite intact. They wouldn¡¯t have believed it if they hadn¡¯t seen it with their own eyes. ¡°We should run,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°Nothing good comes from magical buildings falling from the sky.¡± ¡°Come on,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Of course, we¡¯re going in.¡± ¡°Do you know, I¡¯ve never heard of such a thing as this,¡± Dren said. ¡°There have been no reports from anyone¡ª" ¡°Exactly. It probably eats whoever enters. Let¡¯s go.¡± ¡°Wait! I can sense¡­ I can sense¡­ pie,¡± Nanoc said. The others looked at him in surprise.
Congratulations! You have a new skill! Pie radar: You can now smell pie from five thousand paces away.
¡°I just gained the pie radar skill,¡± Nanoc explained. ¡°I can smell a pie from far away." ¡°That¡¯s a neat trick,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°Back when I lived in the city, there was always pie around, but it''s been a long time since I¡¯ve had any. I guess I was thinking about it when I leveled up? Is that how it works?¡± Dren shrugged. ¡°Do you know, it¡¯s not entirely clear how these things work. Artefact designed a fair and logical system, but then it had to be approved by various committees of gods who all wanted to feel important, so each demanded a set of changes¡­ and, well, it got complicated.¡± That had only been the start of the problem. Chaos had snuck into the design process and her influence had left the system unpredictable and, at times, unfair. She thought this added to the fun of it. Most mortals did not agree. ¡°I¡¯ve never met an evil pie,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°And I think this building is a pub.¡± ¡°Do you know, it¡¯s actually an inn,¡± Dren corrected him. ¡°The Inn Stant, you see?¡± He was right: a sign was painted across the door above the picture of a foaming beer. Nanoc walked up to the door. ¡°Wait!¡± Rotcel the lizardling warned. ¡°I can sense danger inside there, and mayhem!¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± Nanoc agreed. ¡°It¡¯s an inn.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a magical inn! Who can know where it comes from, or what horrors might be inside?¡± ¡°It¡¯s an inn,¡± Nanoc insisted. ¡°They have pie.¡± ¡°No, let us avoid it,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc suggested. ¡°It¡¯s clearly a magical inn, and I can sense no treasure inside it at all. Let¡¯s leave well enough alone this time.¡± ¡°But think of what we might learn¡ª¡± Dren said. ¡°No!¡± Nanoc and Dren shared a glance. They both wanted to go in. How could they convince their friend to join them? ¡°Do you know, the owners of a magical inn may not have any treasure, but I bet they know where we can find some,¡± Dren said. ¡°They probably have a list of quests to find gold and jewels and magic thingies, but you if you aren¡¯t interested¡ª¡± ¡°Thingies?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, gulping. ¡°Gold?¡± ¡°They may even know where to find a crown,¡± Nanoc said, winking at Dren. ¡°Crowns?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, going weak at the knees. ¡°No. But. Well. Um. Oh well, fine, then. Just one quick quest, and we can be on our way¡­ Nanoc led the way into the pub, but as they entered Rotcel ¡®Loc gasped. ¡°I was right! Run, the innkeeper is a devil!¡± 37. The devil and the bar The inn was nearly empty inside. A small fire burned in the hearth, and a handful of lamps were scattered across the room, but the result was more shadow than light. There were no other customers. A dirty banner with the words ¡®Ales for your ails¡¯ hung across the bar, and behind the bar stood a red-skinned devil. The devil stared nodded at the Nanoc and his friends as polished a beer glass. Rotcel ¡®Loc grabbed Nanoc by the arm and tried to drag him away. ¡°It¡¯s a devil, gnome! Make sure it doesn¡¯t steal your wallet¡­ or your soul, either,¡± she added after a second¡¯s thought. ¡°But definitely your wallet.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a bit racist, right?¡± the devil behind the bar muttered. He was seven feet tall, as skinny as a rake, and had twin ram horns on his head that looked far too heavy for his neck to support. ¡°Now, can I get any of you a beer? The first one¡¯s free, if you know what I mean.¡± ¡°Great!¡± Nanoc said, but Dren shook his head. ¡°Do you know, we¡¯ll pay for everything.¡± ¡°With your souls?¡± the devil asked hopefully. ¡°With money,¡± Dren said firmly, leading his friends to a table in the corner. ¡°Only with money.¡± It was never wise to accept anything from a devil for free ¨C they were even worse than fairies in that regard. Devils had a million schemes for winning a mortal¡¯s soul, and each one started with a freebie of some kind. ¡°What¡¯s wrong with accepting a few free drinks?¡± Nanoc complained. ¡°We don¡¯t have to give him our souls.¡± ¡°Do you know, it¡¯s not worth taking the risk,¡± Dren said. ¡°It starts with free drinks, and it ends with your soul enslaved for a hundred years." ¡°Yeah, but it starts with free drinks,¡± Nanoc argued. The devil bartender looked disappointed when he placed a tray of beers on the table and Dren insisted on paying him with coins. Devils had been created to discipline mortals who went against the gods in some way ¨C they had been meant more as a deterrent than for actual punishment, but the devils had turned out to be surprisingly entrepreneurial. They had quickly learned that bribing mortals to be bad was an economical way of winning souls¡­ and the more souls a devil owned, the better the bribes they could offer. Capitalism, of a type, had come to the world Below. The gods had not approved and the whole race of devils had eventually been thrown out of Heavens Above. ¡°Devils,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc muttered. ¡°We lizardlings don¡¯t like devils.¡± ¡°Because they taste bad?¡± Nanoc joked. ¡°Even with barbeque sauce.¡± The devils described themselves, with talons over their hearts, as business people. After all, they only offered what mortals wanted, and what could be wrong with that? It was supply and demand, market forces, that sort of thing. They basically granted wishes. It was a service. Their exile from heaven Above had been meant as a sanction of the most severe form, but the devils saw it as getting closer to their customer base. Mortals weren¡¯t as greedy as the gods Above, but they had shorter lives and even shorter memories. They made great customers. Or they had, once upon a time. Knowledge and his followers had done what they could to warn people. ¡°I¡¯m the owner of the Inn Stant,¡± the devil said, a little sadly. ¡°My name is Reeb. I apologize for the d¨¦cor. This place has seen better days. All that transporting can be hell on the woodwork.¡± It was true that the inn was run down: parts of the walls had collapsed, and blue sky was visible through the roof, but there was a fire, and a pot on the fire, and stew in the pot. Nanoc¡¯s stomach rumbled loudly. ¡°I¡¯ll bring you stew now,¡± Reeb offered, ¡°And I¡¯ll have pies ready soon, too, if you like. Yes, you can pay me in money if you must.¡± A few moments later he placed three steaming bowls of stew on the table. Nanoc was about to take a sip when Rotcel ¡®Loc pushed him back in his chair. ¡°Can we eat this?¡± she asked Dren. ¡°The inn?¡± ¡°The stew, I mean.¡± ¡°Yes? Do you know, that¡¯s what you¡¯re meant to do with stew.¡± Rotcel sighed. ¡°It¡¯s a devil-run inn, Dren. You don¡¯t think we should be, I don¡¯t know, at least a little suspicious about what might be in the food?¡± ¡°Ah!¡± Dren said, nodding. He took a sip of the stew and made a face. ¡°You were right to be concerned. It contains coriander,¡± he said. Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author. ¡°No!¡± Nanoc complained, pushing his away. ¡°Dammit!¡± ¡°I meant it might be cursed or something,¡± Rotcel ¡¯Loc explained, sniffing the stew. ¡°Can¡¯t you do a spell or something to check?¡± ¡°That¡¯s unnecessary. Do you know, there is no record of a devil poisoning food.¡± ¡°Because there were no survivors?¡± Rotcel ¡¯Loc asked. ¡°Oh? Good point. Let me see what I can do¡­¡± But Dren had been right the first time, for the devils never poisoned their food: what use were dead customers, after all? A spell of identification revealed that the stew contained vegetables, chicken, and herbs. ¡°Coriander,¡± Nanoc muttered, turning his attention to the bread. ¡°Why is it always coriander? Reeb! What happened to that pie!¡± Reeb returned to the table with several pies and more beer. There were no other guests in the inn, so Nanoc invited the devil to sit down and eat with them. ¡°Really?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc and Reeb said in unison, then glared at each other. ¡°Sure,¡± Nanoc said, smashing a pie into his mouth. ¡°Why not?¡± ¡°Do you know, devils steal mortal souls,¡± Dren explained. ¡°We trade for them,¡± Reeb snapped. ¡°We earn them! We¡ª I¡ª¡± The huge devil slumped forward and began to sob uncontrollably. ¡°I¡¯m so broke!¡± he said, red tears rolling down his cheeks. ¡°The Inn Stant gets summoned all over the world, but it¡¯s never anywhere with customers! The last time I was summoned on the top of a mountain! The only customer I had up there was a yeti!¡± ¡°You stole their soul?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc gasped. ¡°There are many different types of devils, you know, and I¡¯ll thank you not to stereotype us as thieves.¡± ¡°So you didn¡¯t take their soul?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°No, I just didn¡¯t steal it. And now¡­ and now¡­¡± The devil began to cry again. One yeti soul was hardly a fortune. ¡°There, there,¡± Nanoc said, reaching for another pie. ¡°It can¡¯t be that bad.¡± ¡°It is! And all the time I spend trapped between dimensions doesn¡¯t help. I¡¯ll never pay this place off at this rate! I¡¯m trapped in it!¡± Dren cast a glance at Rotcel ¡®Loc, who shrugged awkwardly. The devil was evil incarnate and wanted to steal their souls, that was true, but it was also a bit pathetic to see such a large beast cry, even if its tears were red and rather sticky. ¡°I could help,¡± Nanoc offered. ¡°I can summon you somewhere better, if you like. I have the ability.¡± ¡°No!¡± Dren protested. ¡°You summoned me?¡± Reeb said, surprised. ¡°That¡¯s a high-level ability. I was sure the elf was responsible.¡± ¡°Nope. It was me, and I can do it again. In a city, maybe? But only if you promise to take money and not souls.¡± ¡°You¡¯re very kind, gnome, but who would want to come to this dump?¡± Reeb said, slumping even further onto the table. ¡°There is too much competition in a city. I won¡¯t get any customers at all. Its useless.¡± ¡°You could add a cocktail area,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc suggested. She hated devils, but she loved a good cocktail. ¡°And change the d¨¦cor from dusty dungeon to, I don¡¯t know, leather dungeon? It¡¯s niche, but it draws a crowd.¡± ¡°I¡¯d love to,¡± Reeb sobbed. ¡°But I¡¯m not allowed.¡± ¡°Whose stopping you?¡± ¡°My landlord. He says our contract prevents it. The worst part is that I don¡¯t even know if he¡¯s right or not.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know?¡± Dren asked, mildly offended by the concept. ¡°Why don¡¯t you read it?¡± ¡°It¡¯s a devil¡¯s contract,¡± Reeb said sourly. ¡°There¡¯s only one copy, and I don¡¯t have it.¡± ¡°So go and find it,¡± Dren suggested. ¡°It¡¯s not that easy,¡± the devil said bitterly. ¡°The scroll is stored in the cursed business library, but I think it¡¯s been enchanted to avoid me. I can never find it.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not how libraries work,¡± Dren protested. ¡°It¡¯s how cursed libraries work,¡± the devil countered. ¡°It¡¯s part of why they¡¯re cursed.¡± He started crying again. Nanoc finished his pie, then reached for a second one. ¡°I have a suggestion,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Yeah?¡± ¡°When it comes to solving problems, wine beats whine,¡± the gnome explained. ¡°Come, devil, let¡¯s eat more dinner and see if we can¡¯t think of some way to help you.¡± Three hours later, they still had not thought of any way to help Reeb. The devil stood at the table, yelling across it at the top of his voice at Dren, who sat on the other side. ¡°But how can squash be a berry! Squash is bitter, not sugared and delectable!¡± Reeb shouted. Nanoc banged his hand on the table. ¡°Exactly! Exactly!¡± ¡°Do you know, a berry may be bitter!¡± Dren shouted back, red in the face as he rose from the table to argue. ¡°The facts do not care what you consider to be an appropriate food!¡± ¡°It¡¯s a cursed berry,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc groaned. ¡°Just what we need. More wine! At least grapes aren¡¯t¡ª¡± ¡°Grapes are berries,¡± Dren said, wincing. ¡°Is anything of this world not born of the berry!¡± Nanoc shouted, throwing his mug if wine at a wall where it exploded into bits of clay. Rotcel ¡®Loc rocked backward and forwards, ¡°Is this a berry? Am I a berry? How would I even know?¡± she said, clutching her head. She passed out, slipping under the table. Dren rested his head on the table. ¡°Do you know, it¡¯s not my fault,¡± the elf muttered. ¡°I did not name them, I merely know of them. It¡¯s not easy, you know, always having the answers to everything..." The elf¡¯s voice trailed off and he started snoring. Only the devil and the gnome were left awake. ¡°You seem like a fine devil, and you bake a great pie,¡± Nanoc said, slurring slightly. ¡°Can we not help you somehow?¡± Reeb drained the last flagon of wine, then tipped it upside down and peered into it in case there was more he had missed. There wasn¡¯t. ¡°You can go to hell, gnome,¡± Reeb said. ¡°Oh? I thought it we were getting on just fine, but if you want to fight that might be fun, too¡ª¡± ¡°No! Sorry! I forgot I was talking to mortals,¡± Reeb said, raising his massive hands in a gesture of apology. ¡°Hell is a real place, the capital city of the demons. It¡¯s where the paperwork for this inn is stored¡ª¡± Nanoc shuddered as the devil said ¡®paperwork¡¯. He had left the life of a clerk behind for a reason. ¡°We can¡¯t help you,¡± he muttered. ¡°Nope. Not at all.¡± ¡°¡ªif I can only get the contract I signed for this, I might be able to find a way out,¡± Reeb finished. The devil¡¯s bright red eyes showed the thinnest sliver of hope; he was desperate for help. Nanc felt a familiar buzzing at his side; the banana of mayhem had just woken up. ¡°Ah, no don¡¯t dare even¡ª"
New quest: Go to Hell! Go the the devil¡¯s city and steal back Reeb¡¯s contract or DIE TRYING! Reward: It doesn¡¯t matter, because this quest is impossible!
Nanoc sighed. ¡°Gods dammit,¡± Nanoc said, annoyed. ¡°Tell me about this contract, then.¡± Nanoc had been a citizen and clerk of the Empire of Order: paperwork did not scare him. Not even cursed paperwork. He was definitely going to Hell. 38. The road to Hell 1. The road to hell Deep beneath the surface of the oceans Below, growing like a cancer in the bones of the world, lay the the city of Hell. The city was a labyrinth of shining black buildings in which mortal souls were bought, sold, stolen, hoarded, and argued over. Flames leaped wildly through the city, and a river of magma flowed through its center. It was a terrible place, filled with choking smoke; in all of Hell¡¯s history, no mortal had ever visited by choice. And yet, on the edges of the dark sands that surrounded the city, between rows of white stone that jutted like crooked teeth, there was a flash of blue light as a magical door opened, and three figures stumbled through. The magical door shrank down to a point of blue light and disappeared. ¡°Do you know, my head is killing me,¡± Dren groaned. ¡°Where are we, Nanoc?¡± The drinks the night before had been free, although the price was a terrible hangover and a likely fate worse than death. Rotcel ¡®Loc was leaning on Dren, her scales pale and her spikes limp. She threw up over her own feet. ¡°Hell. Or the outskirts of Hell, really,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°The actual city is over there somewhere.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± Dren said, then added. ¡°So are we dead, or¡ª¡± ¡°Nope.¡± ¡°Pity. Why are we here, then?¡± ¡°We¡¯re going to rob the place,¡± Nanoc explained. ¡°It¡¯ll be fun.¡± His enthusiasm was not shared by the others. Dren dropped Rotcel ¡®Loc and lay down on the ground. Rotcel groaned. ¡°Explain to me like I¡¯m a hatchling,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked, clutching her head. ¡°Why would we agree to do such an idiotic thing?¡± ¡°Well, we were drinking and¡ª¡± ¡°No!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°No, take me back right away.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t be a scaredy-lizard! All we¡¯re going to do is steal Reeb''s contract with another devil so that Reeb can own the Inn Stant,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Come on, you love stealing stuff!¡± ¡°I do love stealing stuff,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc conceded. ¡°I do love stealing stuff¡­ but why are we doing this for Reeb? Is he even paying us?¡± ¡°Reeb seems like a good guy, and I like helping people,¡± Nanoc explained. ¡°Do you know, those really are good intentions,¡± Dren muttered. ¡°We¡¯re definitely going to hell.¡± ¡°So we¡¯re going to hell to rob a demon to help a demon,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said flatly. For free, which adds insult to likely injury. I don¡¯t like doing things for free.¡± ¡°He¡¯s a good demon,¡± Nanoc argued. ¡°A good demon,¡± Dren whispered, searching his many pockets for painkillers before giving up and muttering what might have been a spell or might also have been a curse. In either case, it didn¡¯t help. ¡°A good demon, Nanoc? Are you sure?¡± Nanoc shrugged. ¡°Pretty sure. I mean¡ª" ¡°You didn¡¯t offer him your soul, did you?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked sharply. ¡°No? I did offer him yours, though, if we failed.¡± ¡°What? That better be a joke, gnome, or¡ª" ¡°Anyway, there¡¯s bound to be treasure down here somewhere, and I bet this is one city nobody has ever written about,¡± Nanoc said, which shut his friends up at once. ¡°But this is a strange place for a city, so far from the sun and without water. What do the devils do for food, Dren?¡± ¡°Do you know, devils are spiritual beings, like angels, and do not need to eat,¡± Dren said. ¡°Also, they like the heat. This city serves their purposes better than any on the surface.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t trust them,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, quite unnecessarily. Even devils did not trust other devils and with good reasons, too. ¡°This place gives me the creeps. If we survive this, I¡¯m going to kill you, gnome.¡± This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. ¡°And eat him?¡± Dren asked curiously. ¡°No, once I¡¯m done there won¡¯t be enough of him left to put on a sandwich. I¡ª¡± Nanoc had wandered off to look at the city. It was impressive, in a black-rock and flames sort of way. His friends joined him, the sight of the city silencing them. Faint screams of trapped souls drifted over the plains, the sound of mortal oppression beyond imagining. Rotcel ¡®Loc shivered, for even her cold blood was chilled by what she heard. ¡°Do you know, the devils used to live in the city of heaven Above,¡± Dren said at last. ¡°The gods threw them out, eventually.¡± ¡°For being evil?¡± Nanoc asked with interest. He hadn¡¯t heard this story before. ¡°Sort of. They were recruiting the angels to a multi-level marketing scheme in which souls were gathered and¡ª" Dren kept talking for some time about the devil¡¯s scheme. Pyramids were involved, and small containers of food, too. The devils guaranteed that if an angel collected a single soul, they could invest it over time and earn a dozen souls in the long run without ever having to work for them. It didn¡¯t make much sense; economics never does. ¡°Dren?¡± Nanoc said, at last, interrupting the elf. ¡°Yes, Nanoc?¡± ¡°Can you please stop talking?¡± ¡°Oh? Why? Are you worried I might be attracting monsters, or¡ª¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s not that. I just want you to stop talking.¡± Nanoc flicked his fire elemental into being, and it hopped onto his shoulder, lighting the area in dancing read. The light reflected off a massive eye in the shadows beneath the stone teeth. The trio froze. ¡°It¡¯s only one eye,¡± Nanoc said calmly. ¡°So a cyclops, or¡ª¡± A second enormous eye opened beside the first. It was the size of a dinner plate. ¡°Two eyes,¡± Nanoc continued, ¡°that¡¯s not so bad¡ª¡± A third eye opened, and then a fourth, a fifth. Each was the size of a basketball. A dozen more eyes snapped open. Rotcel whimpered. ¡°Do you know, I¡¯ve never heard of an animal with seventeen eyes¡ª¡± The eyes began to move, each one jumping around independently with big bounds. As they approached the fire elemental¡¯s light, they revealed themselves as little more than huge eyes on spring-like legs. They bounced around like pogo sticks, circling Nanoc and his friends. Nanoc used his identify enemy ability. Eyebeasts These subterranean monsters are surprisingly agile for one-legged, oversized spheres filled with good. They attack in large packs.
¡°Do you know, I don¡¯t think we need to worry as they don¡¯t even have mouths¡ª" One of the eyes blinked ¨C its pupil disappeared, and in its place appeared a round mouth filled with teeth. The eyeball beast roared. ¡°¡ªnever mind, it seems that we do need to worry,¡± Dren corrected himself. ¡°How fascinating!¡± The nearest eyeball blinked into its mouth form and threw itself and Nanoc, slamming into him and knocking him over. The beast grabbed Nanoc by the foot, and the gnome punched it a dozen times before it let go. It bounced off, apparently no worse for wear. Blood poured down Nanoc¡¯s leg as he pulled out a tooth that has gotten stuck in his calf. ¡°That¡¯s like punching rubber,¡± Nanoc complained. He ducked as a second mouth went sailing past, blind. It landed in the dark and was back in a moment, glaring from its single eye. The others took this as a sign, throwing themselves at Nanoc and his friends. The beasts were blind when in their toothy form, but each jump brought them closer to the trio of adventurers. Nanoc punched and kicked, but nothing he did could hurt or even discourage the eyes. After a wall, the panting gnome had to admit defeat. ¡°These things are impossible to hurt, and my head is killing me,¡± he said. ¡°Let¡¯s just let them eat us.¡± ¡°Wait!¡± Rotcel said. ¡°I have an idea! Nanoc, take this.¡± The lizardling handed the gnome a large onion. The eyeballs froze in place, glaring at the vegetable. ¡°Thanks! I¡¯d prefer an apple, though, as far as last meals go¡ª" ¡°No, I mean smash it open, gnome!¡± Rotcel already had a second onion in one hand and a knife in the other. She skinned the vegetable as she side-stepped a jumping eyebeast, then flicked a bit of the onion right into the creature¡¯s eye as it changed back. The giant eye snapped shut, big, greasy tears rolling out onto the ground. The eye burst like an overblown balloon. ¡°Got it,¡± Nanoc shouted, smashing the onion and coating his fists in the juices. ¡°They¡¯re giant eyes! They hate onions!¡± He hit the nearest eye beast, and it screamed in anger and then exploded. Nanoc raced at the next beast, and the next, chasing them down. ¡°I stole these from Reeb¡¯s kitchen,¡± Rotcel explained, brandishing the onions. ¡°And I¡¯m sure glad I did.¡± ¡°Why did you take them?¡± Dren asked, sketching the nearest eye beast. ¡°Because he didn¡¯t have anything else worth taking. Ha! Eat bulb, you beast!¡± Between Rotcel¡¯s flicking of pieces and the Nanoc¡¯s onion-y fists, the little beasts had no chance. Barely had they bounced away when a second wave arrived. There were far more of them, and their eyes were noticeably larger, too. Their teeth were like swords, their pupils tiny fragments of the abyss itself. They were like the bigger, uglier brothers of the eye beasts that had been defeated, and they had come for revenge. ¡°Do you happen to have any more onions, Rotcel?¡± Dren asked. ¡°No.¡± ¡°Ah, that¡¯s a pity. I suppose its too much to hope for that you might be carrying pepper spray, or something similar?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± The eyes were getting closer. Each time one blinked, its pupil turned into a circle of teeth, a hungry mouth. There were dozens of them, hundreds of them, bearing down like a ravenous tsunami. Any one of them could eat Nanoc in a single gulp. ¡°Run?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc suggested. ¡°Fight!¡± Nanoc insisted. ¡°We can take them!¡± Dren looked at his friends, then back at the wall of hungry eyeball beasts. ¡°Run,¡± he agreed. He grabbed Nanoc by one arm while Rotcel ¡®Loc took the other. They lifted the furious gnome off the ground. They dragged him away, kicking and screaming, to the relative safety of Hell. 39. Eye-don’t think so The adventurers raced through the wastelands around Hell, closely followed by the bouncing, ravenous eyemouths. Rotcel ¡®Loc was out of onion, and the trio was out of luck. All they could do was run and hope to lose the monsters somehow. Rotcel ¡®Loc led her friends into a maze of tall dirt spires, threading through them with ease. They heard a dozen clunk-thunks as the fatter eyemouths hit the spires, toppling some but bouncing off others. There was a snap as one of the eyemouths bit another and then a squeal. Nobody looked back to see what was happening, they simply ran until they were once more alone. Then they ran some more. Nobody wanted to see another eyemouth ever again. ¡°We¡¯re safe,¡± Nanoc said at last, gulping for air. ¡°Are we?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc demanded. ¡°Because I¡¯m about to kill you, gnome! You¡¯ve brought us all the way to the wastes of Hell itself, with no plan to get out and¡ªis that gold? Is it? Let me have it!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc had seen a glimmer of yellow metal protruding from one of the spires. It was a large, flat coin. She drew a knife and dug the coin out. It was attached to a thick chain buried in the spire''s dirt. ¡°Don¡¯t do it,¡± Nanoc warned, too tired from all the running to tempt fate. ¡°Don¡¯t¡ª¡± ¡°Treasure!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc breathed. ¡°Come to me, my precious! Come to mamma Rotcel! Do you have any friends? Are they near? Yes, yes, tell me all about them¡­¡± ¡°Don¡¯t do that,¡± Nanoc said. It was no use. ¡°Do you know, she¡¯s been struck by a terrible affliction,¡± Dren said with interest. ¡°I do not think she can even hear you.¡± It was true; the lizardling was suffering a sudden attack of treasure lust, and her whole mind was consumed by the thought of shiny, precious things. There was nothing anyone could do to stop her. She pulled on the coin, dragging it out of the spire. The chain came with it. There was a whirling sound as the spire disintegrated. A cloud of choking grey dust filled the air, dirt and soil sliding away to reveal the upright remains of an enormous humanoid skeleton with a bird-like skull. The creature was wearing the remains of copper-plated armor, but the metal was stained and warped from decades of being buried in the ground. The titanic bird-person held a spear with a curved blade in one hand, a long dagger in the other. ¡°Wow,¡± Nanoc said, impressed. ¡°I¡¯ve never heard of a giant bird-person before.¡± ¡°What? This coin is copper!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc complained, her treasure lust suddenly broken by the sheer disappointment of her find. ¡°Copper!¡± She looked up, seeing the giant skeleton. ¡°Oh gods,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc groaned, backing away. ¡°Why did I do that! It wasn¡¯t even gold! Is that skeleton going to move? It is, isn¡¯t it? They always do.¡± They stared at the skeleton. It didn¡¯t move. It looked dead in the conventional manner, giving every impression of a skeleton that was not planning to walk around much. Rotcel ¡®Loc relaxed a little, the spikes on her head drooping. Perhaps she had spent too much time in dungeons and castles and had learned to expect the worst. She was overreacting. Not all dead bodies were cursed undead; some skeletons were just skeletons. Nanoc stood up, walked over, and poked the creature in its human-like knee. It did not respond. If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. ¡°Do you know, it¡¯s quite dead,¡± Dren said confidently. ¡°It¡¯s easy to tell, really, the signs of death include¡ª¡± The skeleton lunged forward. Nanoc stepped to one side and used his trip hazard ability to shoot a banana peel under the skeleton¡¯s bare feet. The undead monster slipped on the fruit, slid forward several yards, and fell backward with such force that its skull shattered, sending shards of bone and beak wheeling through the air. ¡°You were saying, Dren?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked sweetly. ¡°About the clearest signs of death?¡± ¡°Do you know,¡± Dren said thoughtfully. ¡°I think the clearest sign of death might be picking a fight with Nanoc.¡± Nanoc bent down and picked up one of the skeleton¡¯s massive femurs. He swung it like a baseball bat. It felt light in his hands, but strong.
Makeshift Weaponry ability activated! New weapon: Boney Battle Basher! This ancient femur makes an excellent club, and can also be used to play fetch with any giant dogs you might come across. How useful! Bonus damage against the squeamish!
¡°I don¡¯t even know what that creature was,¡± he said, a little sadly. ¡°I didn¡¯t have time to identify it, and now it¡¯s dead. We¡¯ll never fight it¡¯s like again. Dren, what do you think it was?¡± The field scholar was staring at the fallen skeleton¡¯s ancient armor. Dren muttered a few words as he tried to read the signs carved into the aged leather, then bent down and traced his fingers over them. He pulled out a notebook and started taking notes. ¡°Dren?¡± Nanoc said at last. ¡°You can¡¯t study that thing for ever. We need to get moving." The elf ignored him. ¡°Do you know, these bones are truly ancient, laying undisturbed since the Age of Mythology. What great secrets they must hold, what wonderful sights this creature must have seen. I could remain here, forever, to learn all these bones have to tell.¡± Nanoc was less impressed. The gnome found archaeology dull. Even if Dren had learned all there was to know about these dusty old bones, all he would have learned was about dusty old bones. What was the point of that? Rotcel wasn¡¯t pleased, either. ¡°It¡¯s all copper,¡± she said as she picked over the skeleton¡¯s body. ¡°Not even a jewel or a drop of silver. Come on, scholar, there¡¯s nothing here worth stealing.¡± Dren stood, sighed, and tucked a little book away in his pocket. ¡°Oh, what great things I could achieve if I had infinite time and no friends,¡± the elven scholar said mournfully. ¡°Alas, it would take me years to decipher these strange hieroglyphics. I can only draw them and hope others might find benefit. Woe am I, to be forever ignorant of¡ª" ¡°Right,¡± Nanoc agreed amiably. ¡°Woe is you, for sure. Well, come on, then.¡± They could see all the way to the gates of Hell; it would take them hours to walk that far. ¡°Ah, by the heavens, that is too far,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc complained. ¡°What monsters lie in wait for us? We will never make it.¡± ¡°At least our path is lit in silver moonlight,¡± Dren said, cheering up. Elves like walking by moonlight, even if there was no dancing involved. ¡°That is a blessing indeed.¡± A huge ball of silver light had appeared overhead, illuminating the cavern in soft shades of shinning grey. Nanoc had not even noticed it rising over the horizon. Something about the silverly orb seemed off to him, but he could not put his finger on what it was. It looked like a beautiful moon. ¡°Moon?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked, frowning. ¡°That¡¯s no moon!¡± She was right; they were underground. The fake moon blinked, and its light was replaced with thousands of teeth as long as swords. It was an eyemouth, but a hundred times larger than any they had seen, and it was bounding towards them. Rotcel ¡®loc turned to run, although what was the point? The beast was sure to catch them. They wouldn¡¯t even be a mouthful to it. ¡°Rotcel, did you happen to steal any other food?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°There is no time for a last meal, Nanoc, but yes, I did steal a chicken leg or two.¡± ¡°Give it here,¡± Nanoc said as the giant eyemouth grew closer. ¡°Dren, do you have any string? Yes, that will do, thank you.¡± ¡°What in the seven heavens are you doing?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc demanded as Nanoc tied the chicken leg to one end of the string and his Bone basher to the other end of the string. ¡°Don¡¯t worry,¡± Nanoc said, flicking the bone around like it were a fishing rod. ¡°I have a plan.¡± 40. Eye-spy with my giant bouncing eye, something beginning with d The giant eyemouth bounded across the wastes and towards the gates of Hell. Nanoc sat perched on top of the beast¡¯s head, using his club and a length of string to dangle a piece of pie in front of the beast. It would open its massive eye, see the food, then blink to form a mouth and leap forward. The world would surge as the giant eye flew through the air, landing with a horrific crunch. It was a most unpleasant ride. ¡°I! Hate! You! Gnome!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc screamed, only getting one word out with each leap the giant eyemouth made. ¡°Why! Did! I! Ever! Agree! To¡ª¡± The lizardling had much to say about their mode of transport, but most of it could not be printed for fear of setting the paper on fire. She cursed Nanoc, Dren, the monsters, farming, Hell, and Nanoc again as the beast bounced along. At least the Eyemouth was fast. The route to hell would have taken Nanoc and his friends days of walking, but now they would coverer in under an hour. ¡°Do! You! Know! We! Have! Crushed! A! Dozen! Ruins!¡± Dren complained. ¡°How! Can! I learn! Anything! If we! Don¡¯t! Stop! To! Look ¨C look out!¡± Their Eyemouth mount blundered into a pillar of rock. Its mouth closed, teeth scraping on stone. Bits of white incisor broke off, raining onto the ground, and the eyemouth moaned in anger. It could not eat the stone. It saw Nanoc¡¯s lure and bounced after it again. ¡°It! Still! Beats! Walking!¡± Nanoc replied, although his face had turned a mild green from the motion sickness. ¡°And! We! Can! Ride! It! All! The! Way!¡± The eyemouth was not an intelligent beast. It had grown very large following the simple strategy of see-food-eat-food, and so it did not stop to wonder why the food it was chasing was always so far away. It wasn¡¯t worried about all the shouting on its back, either. It saw food; it leaped at food. That was all. ¡°Do! You! Know! I! Think it¡¯s! Deaf!¡± Dren said, desperately trying to make a note of this in one of his books. His pencil stabbed through a page as the beast landed, the pencil tip shattering. Dren stared at it in despair. It was his last one, and the idea that he no longer had a way to take notes sent a shiver of pain down his spine. The devils of Hell would have been pleased to hear of Dren¡¯s suffering, although they would have been too lazy to capitalize on it. They generally didn¡¯t bother going beyond the more generic forms of suffering, such as forcing people to listen to erotic poetry being read out in their grandparent¡¯s voices. That was a form of suffering that made red-hot pokers feel like fun. ¡°How! Do! We! Stop?¡± Rotcel demanded. Nanoc shrugged. How was he supposed to know? He¡¯d never ridden a giant eyeball before, either. Nobody had. The lights of Hell grew brighter as they approached the city. The screams from the city grew louder, too. They tried not to think about it. Instead, they stared at the black, twisting, sharp-edged towers of the city. The towers were ringed by a wall of metal spikes which faced outward to skewer the unwary. The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. The spikes were getting a lot closer. A lot closer. They were going to crash! ¡°I¡¯m going to jump,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, and did. Nanoc and Dren shared a glance and then joined her, launching themselves off the eyemouth. They landed in the dust, coughing. The eyemouth turned on them. It roared, lashing out at Nanoc with its long tongue as if to gather the gnome up. Then the tongue froze in place as the eyemouth tasted something in the air. The beast whimpered, took a few steps back, and fled into the darkness. ¡°And keep running!¡± Nanoc shouted after it. ¡°Yeah!¡± ¡°Do you know, I don¡¯t think the beast was scared off by us,¡± Dren said, surprised. ¡°Really?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked sarcastically. ¡°Maybe it ran off once it realized how badly Nanoc smells.¡± ¡°Do you know, I don¡¯t think so. It doesn¡¯t have a nose. Although perhaps it doesn¡¯t need one to smell Nanoc. You need to shower more, gnome.¡± The city of Hell loomed above them. Fire dripped from the tops of the towers, little flickers of light falling through darkness. The city was hungry and cruel, every building straining towards the lights above. It had an aura of malevolence, of dark appetites met in wicked ways. ¡°Do you know,¡± Dren said thoughtfully. ¡°I think I left a candle on in my room when I left. I might just have to go and¡ª¡± ¡°Come on,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°The gates are this way. Perhaps we can force them open somehow. All we have to do is¡ª" There was a loud roaring that made them all jump. ¡°Don¡¯t worry,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°That¡¯s just my stomach. Sorry.¡± ¡°Do you know, I told you to go easy on the pies.¡± But for once Dren was wrong. The growling grew loud beyond what even Nanoc¡¯s stomach was capable of. This was not pies, this was a monster. Worse, still, the growls had three tones. A red fireball burst above them, illuminating the guardian who protected the gates of Hell. It was a dog the size of a house, three-headed, black of fur and long of claw. And sleepy of heart: it wasn¡¯t growling, it was snoring. It did not need to guard the gates; it blocked them with its bulk. There was no way to squeeze through, no way to avoid it. ¡°Oh gods,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°No wonder the eyemouth ran away, this thing probably plays fetch with it. Let¡¯s get out of here!¡± She grabbed Nanoc by the arm, but the little gnome stood firm. ¡°Wait,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Hold on, Rotcel¡­¡± All six of the giant dog¡¯s eyes were closed, and its breathing was slow and lazy. One of its heads snorted, and it rolled over onto its back and pawed the air with one giant foot. Death by hound was avoided, for the moment. ¡°Ah,¡± Dren whispered. ¡°The guardian of Hell itself! I have never read of this! I might be the first mortal to lay this down on paper. How exciting! Let me get a pencil¡ªalas, no! I am unarmed, but I must make a note of this. Rotcel, Nanoc, do either of you have a pencil I might use? A pen? A piece of charcoal? A knife, even, that I can make a slight in my flesh cut and write in my own blood? I¡¯ve done it before. I simply must have¡ª¡± Rotcel reached into her pocket and, without taking her eyes off the beast, handed Dren a pencil. It was already sharpened. ¡°Thank-you, my friend, my companion, my ¨C wait, do you know, this is one of my own pencils,¡± Dren said reproachfully. ¡°When did you even take it? and why? No, this isn¡¯t the time for criminal investigation. What do you think this beast is called. Nanoc?¡± Nanoc stared at the huge beast and used his identify enemy skill.
Cerberus Legendary three-headed hound that guards the gates of Hell. Some people say that his bark is worse than his bite, but those people are very wrong indeed. He¡¯s asleep. You¡¯d better hope he stays that way. Good doggie! Good doggie! Good doggie!
41. Good doggie, in triplicate The gates of Hell are guarded by the three-headed hound, Cerberus. Everyone knows this, but not many people know why. The devils themselves were not sure. After all, it was not like they wanted to keep mortals out of Hell, and the walls kept most monsters out, yet Cerberus still guarded the gates. The devils had never intended to adopt a pet, but Cerberus had followed them home from the underworld one day, playfully nibbling at their hooves and howling at the fire. Even immortal fiends like devils couldn¡¯t say ¡®no¡¯ to his big puppy eyes ¨C all six of them. Chaos herself had created Cerberus ¨C she had created all dogs, instilling them with many of her own characteristics which explained their high charisma, their extreme loyalty in times of need, and their annoying tendency to eat shoes and sleep on the couch. Cerberus had been her first attempt at canine creation, but she had soon realized that the three-headed dog was too large, too strong, and that three heads was really just asking for trouble. She had released her prototype hound into the world, and they had made their way down to Hell, where it was warm and there were monsters to eat. The city of devils had welcomed the giant hound with open arms, but after Cerberus had wet the carpet one time too many (and nobody wets the carpet more convincingly than a ten-ton puppy), the devils had sent the hound outside to think about what they had done. But Cerberus did not think about what they had done, or if they did, they did not appear to regret it. The big hound mostly lounged around by the gates, chasing down eyemouths and barking at the terrible fiends that lived around Hell. Over the millennia, Cerberus had grown bigger and bigger until they were a mountain of fur and paws topped with three huge heads. Their teeth were as long as swords, their noses as wet as kitchen sponges. ¡°Are we going to fight it?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked nervously. ¡°Fight a dog? Are you mad?¡± Nanoc demanded. ¡°Dogs are humans¡¯ best friends, you know, and anything who can put up with humans must be a saint. No, let¡¯s sneak around. Here, I can use my bone basher club to entice¡ª¡± Cerberus rolled over onto their back and reached out one long leg. The back of a massive paw came down on Nanoc, slamming him to the ground and pinning him there. The long bone of the bone basher club went skittering over the ground and landed at Rotcel ¡®Locs feet. She picked it up, waving it uncertainly. Cerberus snorted but did not wake. ¡°Do you know, I think we might need a better plan,¡± Dren suggested cautiously. ¡°Nanoc, are you still alive down there?¡± There was a muffled sneeze from beneath the huge paw. Nanoc was alive. He was also allergic to hell fiends. He let out a long, muffled curse, but luckily, none of his words could be heard. Rotcel ¡®Loc grabbed the huge paw and tried to move it, but she simply wasn¡¯t strong enough. ¡°Do you know, I¡¯ve always loved dogs. Let me try something¡­¡± Dren tickled Cerberus along their side. The massive puppy groaned, kicking the air as they dreamed of chasing giant eyes, then rolled over. Onto Rotcel. ¡°No, no, no¡ª¡± The lizardling was trapped under the dog¡¯s huge body, taking Nanoc¡¯s bone basher with her. Nanoc emerged from under the beast¡¯s paw, his face red from the effort of it. Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere. ¡°I had to use all my incredible strength abilities to escape,¡± he whispered. ¡°If I wasn¡¯t a barbarian, I would be¡ª¡± ¡°Do you know, please be quiet!¡± Dren whispered. He was patting Cerberus¡¯s side, trying to get the hound to roll off Rotcel. Nanoc saw what he was doing and helped, patting and stroking. Cerberus sighed and curled into a ball, freeing Rotcel. She emerged, dog hair caught to her many scales. ¡°That was close,¡± she said. ¡°I¡ª¡± Nanoc sneezed so loudly that his whole body jumped off the ground. Rotcel ¡®Loc grabbed the gnome around the face to try and keep the sneezes from escaping, but it was too late. It was too late. ¡°Wroof¡±? Cerberus¡¯s middle head demanded sleepily, then the others added ¡°Wroof? Wroof?¡± in a chorus. ¡°Nanoc, you have high charisma ¨C try and calm it down,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc suggested desperately. ¡°I think that takes a special ability or something,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°So? Do you have a better idea? The worse case scenario is that it eats you while I escape.¡± ¡°Do you know, I can try. I have a calm animal skill.¡± ¡°Really?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, surprised that the field scholar had a practical skill. ¡°Of course,¡± Dren said. ¡°All elves are good with animals, you know. I had a pet book worm back in the library. I used to feed it romance novels when it got hungry.¡± ¡°Then¡­¡± Rotcel said, waving Dren forward. ¡°What? No, I¡¯m not going to share one of my books with¡ªah, no, I see what you mean. A different animal needs a different approach. Yes, let¡¯s try this.¡± The elf approached Cerberus. The giant dog was stirring, pawing at the air with its massive iron talons. Dren made a gentle shushing sound as he activated his calm animal ability. Cerberus¡¯s long tail flicked in the air, and one head growled. Dren shushed a little louder. The tail flicked back and forth, wagging. The beast¡¯s three heads fell asleep again, one by one. Dren patted the nearest head. Then he climbed over the hound to the other side. ¡°Okay,¡± the elf said quietly. ¡°The gates on this side. Climb over.¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc passed the bone basher club back to Nanoc, then walked behind the elf as quickly as she could, not looking at the giant dog. Nanoc was next. He nimbly climbed over the huge hound, careful not to wake it, and jumped down next to Dren. ¡°Easy,¡± he said. ¡°I¡ª¡±
Dexterity test: FAIL! Way to fall over your own feet!
He tripped over and planted his face on the ground with a thud. One of Cerberus¡¯s heads opened a huge eye and stared at Nanoc. ¡°Wroof?¡± the head asked quietly, more surprised than annoyed. Cerberus wasn¡¯t used to dinner coming to them. Dren shushed some more. This time the head did not sleep. ¡°Do you know, we¡¯re just here to bring you a treat,¡± Dren said quickly. ¡°Right, Rotcel?¡± ¡°Ah¡­ right, exactly. A treat. Nanoc? Nanoc?¡± ¡°Sure,¡± Nanoc said sadly, knowing what he had to do. He passed his bone basher to the giant head. Cerberus bit down on it, hard. There was a snap and a pleased growling. ¡°Do you know, we expect you to share this with your friends,¡± Dren said sternly. ¡°Wroof!¡± ¡°Really? Well¡­ fair enough, then. We wouldn¡¯t want to wake them, anyway.¡± They backed away as slowly as they dared until they reached the gates to Hell. That was their next problem: the gates were at least ten feet tall and built of ancient black stone. They were closed, of course. The devils had grown tired of Cerberus coming into the city and chasing souls through the streets. ¡°How do we get through?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc whispered, brushing her fingers over the metal. The gate swung open just enough to squeeze through. Rotcel stared at her fingers in wonder, but it hadn¡¯t been her that had opened the gates of Hell. An imp¡¯s head appeared in the opening. He had long ears and big red eyes which glared out like flashlights. ¡°Hey, you three!¡± he called. ¡°Are you the foolish mortals Reeb sent? You must be, no one else is mad enough to break into Hell. Get over here right now before anyone else sees you!¡± 42. Sneaking into Hell The gates of Hell opened just wide enough for Nanoc and his friends to squeeze through. Nanoc went first, the heavy doors scraping his chest as he pressed between them. The imp who had opened the gates awaited them on the other side. He was only four feet tall, although his long ears made him look at least five. ¡°Get in here,¡± he hissed. ¡°Hurry up, if that damned dog gets in again, the arch devils will be furious. Come on!¡± Dren was second through the gate, then Rotcel. The imp made a strange gesture with his hand and the gates closed with a loud clank. He led the trio of adventurers away from the gate and down a narrow side alley between two black monoliths of stone. Nanoc looked around in amazement: the spires of Hell rose above him in all their gory glory. Red lights flickered between, and fires lit the air. The city¡¯s theme appears to be spikes and fire. He quite liked it ¨C except for the screams. ¡°My name¡¯s Ostor,¡± the imp muttered. ¡°Reeb asked me to help. I¡¯ll be your guide.¡± ¡°Hi!¡± Dren said brightly. ¡°Do you know, we¡¯ve never been to Hell before. This is very exciting.¡± ¡°Whatever. Look, you¡¯ll need to wear these,¡± the imp said, holding out three pairs of bright blue metal chains. Ostor saw Nanoc¡¯s skeptical look and sighed. ¡°The only mortals in Hell are slaves, see? It¡¯s the only disguise that will work. Quickly now, before we are spotted. Put them on!¡± Nanoc and his friends didn¡¯t move. There was something desperate in the imps¡¯ eyes. Something hungry. Besides, who trusted a literal devil? ¡°Why are you helping us?¡± Dren asked suspiciously. The imp sighed. ¡°I got in a lot of trouble with a fly-demon a while ago, and Reeb helped me out,¡± the imp admitted. ¡°I owe him my life.¡± ¡°He slayed the devil?¡± Nanoc asked, interested. ¡°He convinced her not to marry me. It was for the best. Now she¡¯s raising a brood of maggots inside the dead chest of her new husband, and I¡¯m doing really well, too. I mean, I miss her sometimes, but it was never going to work out, not really and, and¡ª¡± ¡°Dren, stop taking notes!¡± Nanoc said, horrified. ¡°Nobody wants to read about devil romances gone wrong.¡± Nanoc was utterly wrong, of course. The orc Elpma Xe, who had earned twenty levels in the warrior fanatic class but twenty-three levels in the steamy romance novelist class, had written several romances with male devils cast as the leads. They sold extremely well, mostly because the devils featured on the cover art had nine abs and great horns. ¡°We¡¯re wasting time here,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, drawing a knife. ¡°If you¡¯re working for Reeb, let¡¯s get on with it. If you try anything, you will deeply regret it.¡± The imp looked offended. ¡°I promised Reeb that I would keep you safe and help you find this contract of his, and I will. Pinky promise.¡± The imp had extremely large hands, and the pinky finger he stuck out was as long and fat as a sausage. It ended in a thick red nail. Nanoc stared at it. Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. ¡°Do you know, you should take it,¡± Dren said. ¡°The pinky-swear is a binding promise amongst devils, as far as such things go.¡± Nanoc stuck out his pinky finger and gingerly brushed it against the devil¡¯s.
Contract made! You have made a contract with a devil, and it didn¡¯t even cost you your soul. Well done! One wisdom gained. The imp will keep you safe until you find the contract!
¡°Seems legitimate,¡± Nanoc muttered. ¡°Good. Let¡¯s get started. You really do have to wear these chains,¡± Ostor said. ¡°They aren¡¯t real. These ones easily fall apart, look.¡± Ostor demonstrated how the trick chains worked. Rotcel checked them out, as did Dren. The chains did appear to be what the imp claimed. They allowed themselves to be shackled ¨C Nanoc groaned loudly as the fake chains wrapped around his body ¨C and Ostor led them onward. The little imp had a whip in his hand, but one look from Nanoc convinced him not to use it. ¡°This way,¡± Ostor muttered. ¡°Try and look wretched, would you? We don¡¯t want to be noticed.¡± The streets of Hell were quiet. The high-level devils flew everywhere, so only the low-level imps and the slaves they escorted walked on the ground. Nanoc and his friends passed several dozen souls caught up in the blue chains. The mortal souls groaned and moaned pitifully; the devils whipped and kicked with cruel disinterest. Nanoc furrowed his brows. It didn¡¯t seem right, not at all. ¡°We can¡¯t help them,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc hissed. ¡°Not now, anyway. Besides, they did this to themselves when they sold their own souls.¡± ¡°I¡ª¡± ¡°Do you know, the lizardling is right,¡± Dren whispered. ¡°We came here to help Reeb, we can¡¯t do much more. And anyway¡ª¡± ¡°Quiet!¡± Ostor ordered. ¡°Here comes the guards!¡± A patrol of mean-looking devils in black armor marched by. They glared at Ostor but didn¡¯t stop. Nanoc and his friends had the greatest defense of all: devils, much like the mortals they preyed on, didn¡¯t like to see things that upset them. Living mortals walking through the city of Hell? Unprecedented. Impossible. Deeply wrong. Unsettling. And so on. Any devil who noticed the three odd slaves immediately ignored them; it was easier that way for everyone. ¡°Do you know, it¡¯s working?¡± Dren said in surprise. ¡°Shut up,¡± Ostor hissed. ¡°And stop drawing in that notebook!¡± Ostor hustled them through the city, pretending to be three good slaves walking behind their devilish master. At last they reached the center of the city where a building had been carved from the skull of some ancient and titanic beast so that the mouth was the main entry. The massive eyes above were covered in dark red glass and looked down on all who entered. The skull towered over those below. Everything was white bone and red steel. The devils had style. It was a bleak, horrifying style built from pain and suffering, but that¡¯s fashion for you. ¡°I need to get one of these to house my treasures,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said, staring at the skull. ¡°It¡¯s perfect.¡± ¡°Do you know, I¡¯m running out of red ink pencil,¡± Dren complained as he sketched in one of his many notebooks. ¡°Does anyone have a spare? Nanoc? Imp? Rotcel?¡± ¡°This is the town hall,¡± the imp whispered, ignoring Dren. ¡°The hall of records is inside. We need to ¨C gnome, where are you going?¡± ¡°Walking through the front door?¡± Nanoc suggested. ¡°It¡¯s how we normally do things.¡± ¡°What? How are you still alive? No! The guards there are far better than the ones on the street, gnome! They will see you straight away.¡± ¡°Ah. So¡­?¡± ¡°My cousin works here. He can open a side door for us. Come on!¡± There was a door on the side of the great skull, because even Hell needs janitors. The imp¡¯s cousin was nowhere to be seen. ¡°This way,¡± Ostor said. ¡°There are servants¡¯ tunnels throughout the skull¡­¡± He led them through a set of narrow tunnels beneath the hall, up a set of stairs carved from teeth, down several more tunnels, and finally out through a narrow door and into a wide corridor. The corridor was empty. There were signs written on the wall in neat, devilish cursive. The letters were in white, the arrows in red. Hell was organized. ¡°Look,¡± Nanoc said, pointing at the signs. ¡°It¡¯s that way to the ¡®Cursed treasury¡¯ and the ¡®Cursed bookshop¡¯, but this way to the ¡®Cursed hall of records¡¯. All we have to do is¡ª" There was a shuffle of feet and the sound of running. Nanoc turned around. His friends were gone. So was Ostor. ¡°Seven times dammit,¡± Nanoc cursed. ¡°Now I have to get the paperwork on my own." 43. The paperwork in Hell Nanoc entered a maze of tall shelves that stood so close together that he had to squeeze past them, their ancient wooden bones creaking and threatening to snap at any moment. This was the cursed hall of records, where the devils of Hell recorded every contract in which a mortal had given up their soul for power, revenge, or even the old and boring reason of money, money, money. The mortals had all done so with the total certainty that while everyone dies they wouldn¡¯t die, not them, no, never. They were special; they would live forever. It was the devils who had lost out in the contract because the mortal souls would never be delivered. Every mortal secretly believed this; every devil knew it wasn¡¯t true. The devils nodded, winked, and laughed. They wrote down their little contracts and stored them away. But not very well. There were millions of them stuffed into shelves, piled high on the ground so that the floor itself was a shifting river of paper. ¡°Gods dammit,¡± Nanoc sighed. ¡°It¡¯s a good thing Dren isn¡¯t here. He¡¯d hate it.¡± In truth, the lack of filing offended even Nanoc¡¯s repressed clerk instincts. He had been brought up to respect paperwork ¨C he had hated every lesson ¨C but this mess wasn¡¯t chaos, this wasn¡¯t fun, this wasn¡¯t even rebellion again good sense. This was silly. ¡°I told myself I¡¯d never do this again,¡± Nanoc muttered. He looked around, but there was no one to see him. ¡°Find paperwork,¡± he muttered. Light flowed out of him, forming a spectral pen. Nanoc signed, but his barbarian class would be no help now. He followed the pen through the shelves. He reached a new section, even darker and more cramped than before: this was the section of the libraries where the devils kept the contracts they made with each other, the most devious, the most nasty, the most complicated works of legal art ever written. His magical pen led him with unnerving confidence to a shelf, to a paper on that shelf. Nanoc fetched it down and started reading. He squinted. He frowned. He cursed a little. A devil¡¯s contract is a tricky thing - sometimes the small print is so small as to be invisible. The devil had an army of evil lawyers by class who specialized in making contracts almost unreadable to the average person. There were phrases that meant to confuse, others to downright mislead. The small, wriggling text would have driven most mortals mad, but he was a gnome clerk who had worked at the Heroes Guild itself, and no amount of writing was going to beat him. He drew out a pen ¨C one of Dren¡¯s ¨C and sat down to read. He read the contract several times before he shook his head in disbelief. ¡°Sloppy,¡± he muttered about a particular cause, and his pen slashed out with as much certainty as his axe ever had. ¡°Vague,¡± he judged a statement, and his pen stabbed the words as if he wanted them to bleed. ¡°Surely no one would be so foolish¡­,¡± he said with a frown which turned quickly into the dreadful smile of a clerk who had beaten the forms of Hell. His pen leapt over the paper, black ink, crossing out dirty hoofprints and leaving his own signature in their place. Then he bit the tip of his index finger until it bled and used it to sign the paper. Nanoc stood up. He folded the contract up carefully. He had no large pockets to store it in, so he shoved it down the front of his pants. This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. ¡°Right,¡± he said. ¡°There¡¯s still one thing to do, then. Two things.¡± He searched through the maze of shelves until he found a wide space with a single, wide desk. A devil sat behind the desk. He had the casual arrogance of someone who gets to say ¡®no¡¯ to a lot of people every day. Nanoc walked right up to the desk. ¡°Do you work here? I¡¯d like to register a change of ownership,¡± he told the devil. ¡°I need you to witness the contract?¡± ¡°What?¡± the devil demanded. ¡°Who are you? What are you doing here?¡± But if Nanoc had learned one thing in his travels, it was to never pause long enough for the truth to find him out. He pulled the contact out of his pants and slammed it on the desk. ¡°Do you not know how to do that?¡± he asked the devil. ¡°I thought it was easy enough.¡± ¡°I can do it,¡± the devil said defensively. ¡°What contract is¡ª ah, yes, I remember this one. The contract between Reen of the metaphysical inn and his landlord, Loof.¡± The devil spoke the name with disdain, like Rotcel would say ¡®free¡¯, Dren would say ¡®ignorance is bliss¡¯, or Nanoc would say ¡®diet¡¯. Loof was not loved by his fellow devil. That was going to make things easier. ¡°But Loof didn¡¯t sign the contract,¡± Nanoc pointed out. ¡°Look here.¡± While Loof had marked his hoofprints all over the contract, he had not actually done so where it said ¡®Owner¡¯s signature¡¯. That bit had been left blank. The contract had still been accepted ¨C Reeb had not objected at the time ¨C and who else would have? ¨C and so he had been forced to serve as Loof¡¯s tenant. Devils had no sympathy for those who did not see the small print. ¡°Is that right? Well, that¡¯s his own fault, and the contract is void,¡± the devil said, sounding bored. ¡°But you can¡¯t just claim the contract as your own, you know. You would need to ensure all elements are correctly signed, and I certainly won¡¯t be helping¡ª" ¡°I did. Here.¡± The devil was surprised but not yet impressed. ¡°Yes? But did you countersign the pentagrams¡ª¡± ¡°Of course. Here and here. And here and here and here.¡± ¡°Well, you¡¯ll need to¡ª¡± ¡°Sign in blood. Triple checked, yes, and initialed and¡ª¡± They went backward and forwards for a while, the devil refusing to help, Nanoc using every trick he had ever learned as a clerk to prove that the paperwork was in order. Finally, the devil had no option but to agree. ¡°Fine. You¡¯re the owner, or rather, the person who owns your soul is. Get out!¡± Nanoc got out. Dren was waiting for him as he left the hall of records and walked back into the corridor. ¡°The guards are coming! Did you get the contract?¡± Dren asked. ¡°I did.¡± ¡°Then let¡¯s get out of here! Here, let me help you with your chains, and we¡¯ll be disguised again.¡± He reached for Nanoc¡¯s chains, but the gnome stepped back. Nanoc stopped his hands on the chains. They did need to escape: they had been in Hell for too long already. Leaving in a rush made sense. It was rational. Anyone normal would want it. ¡°Guess what? I found some old books back there, too,¡± Nanoc said casually. ¡°Really boring and dusty tomes of history. We can steal a few on the way out.¡± ¡°No, I told you, put your chains on before the guards arrive! There isn¡¯t time. We should get out of here,¡± Dren said. Nanoc spun around, grabbed Dren, and slammed him into the wall. ¡°You¡¯re not Dren!¡± he said, pinning the elf against the wall. ¡°Who are you and what have you done with my friend?¡± Dren gasped. ¡°Do you believe¡ª¡± ¡°No! It¡¯s do you ¡®know¡¯,¡± Nanoc shouted, punching Dren in the face. ¡°And I never do, because I never listen! Now who are you!¡± Dren screamed in pain, but then he saw Nanoc wasn¡¯t relenting. His face melted, revealing the familiar face of their guild into Hell. ¡°You¡¯re the imp, Ostor,¡± Nanoc said, startled. ¡°You said you¡¯d help us get the contract!¡± ¡°You saw through my tricks, gnome!¡± he hissed. ¡°But its too late, too late!¡± ¡°You said you¡¯d keep us safe!¡± Nanoc protested. ¡°We did a pinky promise! That¡¯s binding!¡± ¡°I promised to help you find the contract,¡± Ostor corrected him. ¡°And now you have, so I can claim your souls! You will never find your friends! I have hidden them away in the very depths of the city so that I can sell their souls to the highest bidder! You will never find them, gnome! Not if you had a million years to search¡ª" There was a boom! in the distance followed by the sound of glass crashing and shouts of panic. Something sounded like a large gong falling over, and there was a hiss as if some great kettle was boiling over. Ostor grimaced. Nanoc smiled. ¡°That sounds like my friends,¡± he said to the imp. ¡°What don¡¯t we go see how they¡¯re doing?¡± 44. Rage and rescue Nanoc found Dren in the library ¨C of course that¡¯s where the field scholar would be, he was drawn to words like a moth to flames. That comparison was surprisingly accurate in this case, too, as many of the books were on fire and burned Dren¡¯s fingers when he tried to read them. This was Hell, after all. The elven scholar hissed and cursed as his fingers blistered and flamed, but he did not give up. The library of Hell only took up several wide rooms as the devils were not passionate readers. What they lacked in quantity, however, they more than made up in pure evil. The shelves were filled with the most dangerous and forbidden books in the whole universe, the types of books that caused madness to those who read them, books of the darkest secrets, books of lost gods and forbidden knowledge (there was also a whole shelf of demon/dinosaur erotica novels that were extremely popular with both the devils and their mortal slaves but the less said about those the better. Really.). Faced with such an incredible treasury of lost words, there really was only one thing that Dren could think to do: he was going to steal as many of them as he could carry. Nanoc sat down to watch. ¡°I thought you¡¯d be against stealing from a library,¡± the gnome said approvingly. ¡°This is very chaotic of you.¡± ¡°Do you know, you are wrong, this isn¡¯t really theft at all,¡± Dren said defensively as he separated books into piles based on their value and weight. ¡°The demons refuse to acknowledge the role of the god Knowledge.¡± ¡°So?¡± ¡°So libraries are Knowledge¡¯s sacred places. If the demons deny Knowledge, then they deny libraries, so this isn¡¯t really a library. There is precedent in this, too. The great librarian Etirc Opyh would argue¡ª" Dren launched into a a complicated and technical interpretation of religious and scholarly rules about the definitions of a library and theft and books and so on. ¡°Ah,¡± Nanoc said, ¡°Of course. I get it.¡± And he did. If it wasn¡¯t really a library, then Dren wasn¡¯t robbing it, was he? No, he was just¡­ tidying up. Putting the books back in their rightful place, which just happened to be ¨C and this was a coincidence, nothing more ¨C in Dren¡¯s personal collection. Yes. Tidying up. The devils would probably be grateful, if they ever found out. ¡°You¡¯ve been spending too much time with with Rotcel ¡®Loc,¡± Nanic said with a smile. ¡°Where is she, by the way?¡± ¡°Do you know, I thought she was with you. Where have you been, anyway?¡± ¡°I found the contract,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°The what?¡± Dren asked, distracted by a book covered in teeth. The book snapped at him. He slapped it across the spine and added it to one of his piles. ¡°Reeb¡¯s contract. You know, the reason we came to Hell? The thing we¡¯ve been looking for? We can leave now.¡± ¡°Ah. Do you know, I¡¯d completely forgotten about that. Anyway, we don¡¯t need to leave right now, do we? I just want a few more books¡ª" ¡°We need to go. I¡¯m getting hungry, and worse, I think the devils are, too.¡± ¡°Well¡­¡± Dren looked around desperately at his haul of books. There were far too many piles to carry. ¡°Fine, then, but you¡¯ll need to take that pile so that I can take this one and¡ª¡± Nanoc stood, dusted himself off, and didn¡¯t pick up a single book. Then he looked into his friend¡¯s pleading eyes and sighed. ¡°Fine, but you owe me one for this. Give me that pile. No, the one with the purple book with wings. Now let¡¯s get out of here and¡ª" This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source. Rotcel ¡®Loc burst into the room, a massive pile of books in her arms. She spilled them over the floor, nearly burying Nanoc under their possessed pages, and drew a pair of the bright blue chains from a pocket. ¡°Quick!¡± she shouted. ¡°I found the books you asked for, but the guards are coming. We need to get out of here. Are you two wearing your fake chains? Put them on, put them on so we can sneak out!¡± The lizardling was already wearing her chains. She waved another set at Nanoc. ¡°Come on!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc snapped. ¡°Come on, gnome!¡± Nanoc shook his head slightly in disapproval that the ruse would be repeated word for word. It wasn¡¯t believable at all. Rotcel was often annoyed and sometimes scared, but she seldom panicked. The Guild had trained her too well for that. But he still had to check. ¡°Let¡¯s get out of here so we can finally get you back to your family¡¯s farm,¡± Nanoc said, reaching for the chains. ¡°And you can plant some turnips, I know you like that.¡± ¡°Yes, exactly¡ª¡± Nanoc brought the chains around in a whirl, slapping the fake Rotcel ¡®loc across the face so that she fell backwards. ¡°You aren¡¯t Rotcel ¡®Loc!¡± he shouted. ¡°I am!¡± ¡°You are not! Rotcel hates turnips! Dren, don¡¯t touch those cursed chains! This isn¡¯t Rotcel, he¡¯s a skin-changer imp!¡± Nanoc shouted, pinning the fake Rotcel ¡®Loc down. He grabbed the impostor Rotcel and shoved her against the wall before Dren placed the chains on himself. Nanoc needn¡¯t have worried. ¡°Do you know, I¡¯m quite aware that this being is an impersonator,¡± Dren said politely, entirely unsurprised to see Nanoc wresting Rotcel ¡®Loc to the ground. ¡°He¡¯s an imp. It was obvious right away.¡± ¡°What? You knew the whole time? But you called me Rotcel and asked me to help you gather books!¡± the fake Rotcel protested. ¡°And some of those books were really heavy, too! I carried them for ages! One of them bit me!¡± ¡°That was very helpful,¡± Dren said with a pleased nod. ¡°It was also an immediate giveaway. Rotcel would never help. I knew you would be trouble eventually, but I thought, well, why stop you while you¡¯re helping me? But let¡¯s see your true form now. I¡¯ll cast¡­ Professor Seye¡¯s de-illusion.¡± He clicked his fingers. A bright spark of light lit the room. The fake Rotcel grunted in anger, her face and body melting off and flowing away to reveal a small, angry imp who glared at Nanoc. It was the imp, Ostor. ¡°Again?¡± Nanoc demanded. ¡°How did you get here so fast, Ostor?¡± The imp frowned. ¡°I¡¯m not Ostor! What, do you think all imps look alike? How rude. ¡ª" ¡°Do you know, you do all look alike,¡± Dren said. This was true. Imps were spilled from the cauldron of Hell in batches of hundreds, and the devils who made them didn¡¯t care much for creativity. All imps look the same. They¡¯re very sensitive about it. ¡°Actually, we look nothing alike. One of my ears is longer than the other and I¡ª" the imp protested. Nanoc grabbed the imp¡¯s longer ear and twisted it until it was at risk of becoming his shorter ear. The imp squealed. ¡°Who are you, then, if you aren¡¯t Ostor?¡± Nanoc demanded. ¡°I¡¯m his cousin, Luke, if you must know. Luke Alike.¡± ¡°You¡¯re the imp Ostor¡¯s Luke Alike? Really?¡± The imp shrugged. ¡°What of it?¡± Dren picked up the blue chains and examined them with interest. ¡°Do you know, these are real,¡± he said. ¡°The locks can¡¯t be undone. If we put these on, we¡¯d be trapped in Hell.¡± ¡°Yeah. I think Ostor and Luke were going to betray us just as soon as we got Reeb¡¯s contract. I bet they were going to sell our souls, too, the devil bastards.¡± ¡°No!¡± Luke protested. ¡°We would never do that! We were going to trade them. It¡¯s totally different.¡± ¡°Trade them for¡­?¡± ¡°Money. But it¡¯s not selling, its¡ª¡± Nanoc slapped the imp across the face before he could explain anything more about the economics of souls. ¡°Where is our friend?¡± Nanoc demanded, ¡°She¡¯s with my sister, Dupli,¡± the imp said sullenly. ¡°Although she prefers to be called Kate. I¡ª¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc rushed into the room. ¡°The devils are coming,¡± she said, barely sparing the imp a second look. ¡°Put your fake chains on, and let¡¯s get out of here!¡± Nanoc and Dren stared at her. She stared back. ¡°Hey, Rotcel,¡± Dren said slowly. ¡°Hold these books for me, would you?¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°Do you know, they¡¯re very precious.¡± ¡°Are they gold? No? Then no,¡± Rotcel said. ¡°Can we get out of here now? ¡°Do you know, I think it¡¯s really her this time,¡± Dren said, both pleased and distraught. Nanoc was not so sure. ¡°She could be the Dupli Kate,¡± he warned. Rotcel looked confused, then realized the problem. ¡°What? Oh, do you mean the imp skin changers? Yeah, mine looked just like Nanoc. I threw her down the stairs and she changed back into an imp.¡± ¡°But how did you know she wasn¡¯t me before you threw her down the stairs?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°I didn¡¯t. Can we go now?¡± The guards really were coming this time. Devils shouted in the corridors, the noise of their anger getting closer, closer. Souls screamed, imps squealed, and outside of the city, Cerberus howled in triplicate, harmonizing with herself. It was time to get out of Hell. 45. Under new management Nanoc and his friends returned to the Inn-stant to find Reeb the devil drinking a mug of his own beer and staring morosely at the wall. He jumped to his feet when he saw them, tripped over, and then rose again speaking loudly and far too quickly. "You haven¡¯t left yet! That¡¯s great, don¡¯t go! You would have died! I should never have asked¡ª" The sight of a devil suffering guilt was a terribly embarrassing thing for all concerned; Reeb had tried to trick mere mortals into stealing from Hell, which was good and fine and normal behavior for a devil, and nobody held it against him. His crisis of conscience was something new, though. He¡¯d never liked mortals before. Nanoc held up a hand and made a shushing sound, then drew the inn¡¯s contract that he had stolen from the cursed hall of records. "We took a little walk through Hell," the gnome said conversationally. "It wasn¡¯t a big deal. Go find some pie, devil, and we can talk renovations while we eat." "Ah?" Reeb said, not understanding at all. "But my contract says¡ª" "I¡¯m your new landlord," Nanoc said, pointing at the relevant signatures on the form. "Reeb got sloppy and didn¡¯t fill out the paperwork properly, so all it took was a few signatures for me to take over. I own this place now, and I think you should do whatever you like." Reeb gasped. The devil was desperate to expand, they could see it in his glowing eyes. "As long as there¡¯s a cocktail bar," Rotcel ¡®Loc said at the same time as Dren said "You¡¯ll need a library". They glared at each other. "A library with a cocktail bar?" Rotcel¡¯ Loc suggested. "Do you know, that sounds great. Reeb?" "Yeah," the devil said, smiling. "Yeah!" Nanoc took a nap after lunch. He felt he¡¯d earned it, having been through Hell and back. He woke to an entirely new inn. There was a cocktail bar against one wall with shelves of bottles mixed with books, and a succubus waitress was making drinks behind the counter. She gave Nanoc a wink that made his little heart jump. Then a scaled hand grabbed his arm and shook it excitedly. "Look Nanoc! Cocktails!" Rotcel¡¯ Loc cheered. "Debbie here makes the world¡¯s greatest bloody Mary!" "The trick is to use real blood," the succubus said. She gave a little smile that suggested she was joking, but she wasn¡¯t. "Would you like one? I have a pint of angels tears I can add. They really bring out the flavor." Nanoc accepted. Dren was also sitting at the bar, reading one of the books he had stolen. He nodded at Nanoc but didn¡¯t look up. "Do you know, this bar is much better now," Dren said with some satisfaction. "The library is quite good for a drinking establishment, quite good indeed." He wasn¡¯t the only one who thought so. The bar was crowded with people sitting down for pint and book, or wandering over to try one of Debbie¡¯s killer cocktails. By the evening, every seat was taken and the room was filled with the buzz of happy people. Reeb had hired new staff, too, including an obese bile demon to work in the kitchen and half a dozen succubae to serve as waitresses. The new succubae were rather attractive, particularly for patrons who couldn¡¯t see past the twin dangers of magical glamours and strong beer, but Reeb had fended off any potential harassment of his staff with a simple wooden sign that read Get Handsy Loose Handy hung over the bar. A sizeable rusty cleaver had been embedded in the sign for emphasis. It seemed to be working so far. The big devil walked over to Nanoc. "This is going great, boss!" he said. "I¡¯m very excited to-yeek!" The huge devil ducked down, crawling on the floor towards the bar. "It¡¯s Loof!" he hissed. "Run, Nanoc!" Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator. Nanoc did not run. He didn¡¯t even put his drink down as the Inn¡¯s doors burst open and a massive demon strode in. "Nanoc!" Loof shouted. "Where is that backstabber? The clerks of Hell say you have taken something that belongs to me!" Loof was a large, wide devil with ivory ram¡¯s horns and a thin black beard. He approached Nanoc in the same way that he approached every problem, which was to find someone with less power than him and then shout at them. The inn¡¯s crowd of drinkers took one look at him and fled, taking their drinks with them. Rotcel ¡®Loc sighed, grabbed her drink, and slipped beneath the table to finish it in peace. Within a moment, the inn was empty. Nanoc stood. "I¡¯m Nanoc,¡± he said, quite calmly. The devil marched over to Nanoc, picked him up, and shook him violently. ¡°Give! Me! Back! My INN!¡± Loof shouted, his face bright red and the muscles on his neck straining at the effort. ¡°Or I! WILL! END YOU!¡± Nanoc chuckled. ¡°You¡¯ll pay for¡ª" Loof began. ¡°Pay? Sure, we can give you money,¡± Nanoc said, taunting the beast. ¡°We can give you little money, if it makes you feel better. Rotcel, give me that thing you stole from Hell.¡± ¡°What?¡± Rotcel Loc called out from under the table. ¡°How did you even¡ª whatever, its only lame coins anyway. Here!¡± She was a Treasure Hunter, so of course she¡¯d stolen something from Hell. She¡¯d been disappointed: they were only coins, no crowns. She threw a bag of coins to Nanoc who caught it in one hand and the money onto the table. There were hundreds of coins from all over the world, and - outside of the empire of Order - every town, city, village, dungeon, castle, mage tower, traveling shop and haunted forest had its very own currency. This led to great confusion which canny traders used to exploit their neighbors just as the prophets of Profit intended. ¡°There you go,¡± Nanoc said with a cheeky smile. ¡°We¡¯ll pay, just like you said. Take your money and go.¡± Taunting was a classic barbarian skill, and offering money to a devil was extremely effective and maybe even a little mean. ¡°Money?¡± Loof shouted. ¡°You insult me with money? I will¡­ I mean, I¡ª¡± The devil was so angry that steam poured out of his ears. He grabbed at Nanoc, who stepped aside. The gnome banged the table and a beer flew into the air. The suds hit the devil right between its eyes.
Skill activated: Makeshift weaponry! Beer attack! Your opponent is temporarily blinded!
¡°How interesting,¡± Dren said, staring at the coins on the table. As a follower of Knowledge, he loved identifying things. ¡°These little wooden cubes are drits, with seven drits to a bronze doop. This large disc here is a sixth-wonk, but don¡¯t let the name confuse you, because each sixth-wonk is worth seven wonks. Eleven wonks gets a flungo, which is this yellow bar here¡ª¡± Loof swore and swiped out blidnly as Nanoc swiped the beast¡¯s legs, sending him falling to his back. The devil kicked Nanoc, his horned feet cutting the gnome¡¯s face. ¡°¡ªwhich are gold, or goldish, I should say,¡± Dren continued, oblivious to the fight. ¡°A pound of these are worth one of these silver clang, although you need to be careful who you trade with because clang are all too often fairy silver and dissolve in the presence of coffee. Here¡¯s a special one! This coin is a zungal-maxoon¡ª¡± Nanoc leaped onto the fallen Loof, banging the devil¡¯s horned head against the stone. Loof rolled to his feet, punching Nanoc in the head. The little gnome staggered but then hit back with an attack of his own. Nanoc was small, the devil was big, the difference didn¡¯t matter. While the beast looked like a bear crossed with a suit of armor, he was as vulnerable as any male.
Critical hit! That¡¯s a cheap shot¡­ but we¡¯ll allow it.
¡°Ung!¡± Loof said, collapsing. Nanoc took a moment to finish his cocktail, then kicked the demon while he was down, hard. Loof growled and spat fire, which washed over Nanoc without any effect. Loof frowned, shocked. Nanoc broke a chair over the devil¡¯s head, but then Loof was up again. ¡°¡ªtheir little triangular coins, which are only used for formal occasions such as when a third son is sent to slay the dragon, but¡ª" Loof lunged at Nanoc. Rotcel ¡®Loc stuck a foot out from under the table and tripped him up. He flew face-first into Nanoc¡¯s fist with a TUNK. ¡°¡ªthis one is a lead plumb which, of course, is traditionally used to tip plumbers after particularly difficult jobs, and¡ª" Nanoc grabbed a stool and struck the devil with it that the wood shattered and Loof was knocked clean out. The devil slammed into the floor and did not move. ¡°¡ªand this one appears to be the plug of a bathroom sink,¡± Dren said, pointing to the last coin. He looked up and his smile faded slightly at the sight of the huge devil laying on the floor. ¡°What did I miss? Where did everyone go?¡± ¡°My bar!¡± Reeb shouted. ¡°My customers! You bastard, Loof!¡± He rushed forward to kick Loof¡¯s comatose body, but Nanoc waved him back. ¡°We don¡¯t kick people when they¡¯re down,¡± he said. ¡°You just did it a moment ago! I saw you!¡± ¡°Uh? I mean, like, metaphorically. Actual kicking is fine.¡± It was too late, anyway: Loof¡¯s body was fading back to Hell, leaving Reeb to face a ruined inn with no customers. ¡°I¡¯m so angry!¡± Reeb said, storming off. Nanoc just smiled. ¡°All that anger can¡¯t be good for you,¡± he said. ¡°Maybe cooking a bunch of pies will help you relax?¡± ¡°Do you know, he was right to be angry,¡± Dren said sadly. ¡°I called this coin a droople, but it''s actually a bitter-truin. Look, you can see the difference here, with these markings on the edge. How embarrassing that I mixed these up. So¡­ what do you want to do now?¡± 46. Gnome news is good news As Nanoc and his friends wandered deeper into the Very Badlands, they came across a village that was so surprising, so unexpected, and so completely weird that Nanoc was struck silent by its very sight. "It''s a village of gnomes," Nanoc whispered, pointing at the villagers. "Gnomes, living outside the empire, and not a quill or requisition form in site! They''re all kinds of classes, too, not just clerks. That one is gardening, and that must be a hunter, and that one¡ª" He was right: the village of the gnomes was bustling with activity as its many residents went about the business of cooking, cleaning, planting, harvesting, and building what looked like a new barn. They were all ages and classes, some carrying weapons while others hauled boxes. None of them were clerks. "Wow," Nanoc said, impressed. He had never even imagined a gnome getting their hands dirty with anything more than ink. The village was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. They were gnomes, and they were just like him. "They¡¯re living free,¡± he said enthusiastically. ¡°Isn¡¯t it great to see how leaving the Static Empire has let them really embrace life and¡ª¡± A bell rang out, just once. Every gnome stopped what they were doing and walked quickly into one of the many barns, disappearing through gnome-sized doors. Within moments the village was eerily empty. Nothing moved; even the chickens had run to their coops. ¡°That¡¯s a bit odd,¡± Nanoc said, frowning. ¡°Why did they do that?¡± ¡°Gnomes are always odd,¡± Rotcel muttered, staring at the chicken coop and thinking about lunch. ¡°And they¡¯re far too stringy, too. Can we go? My treasure senses aren¡¯t tingling at all.¡± Dren hadn¡¯t even noticed the town; he¡¯d been reading one of the books he¡¯d stolen from Hell. It was one of the latest works of the erotic novelist Elpma Xe, about a simple swamp monster from the depths of the forbidden marshes who was seduced by a noble who turned out to be, rather tragically, just human. Dren had hidden the feisty pages inside the dust cover of a book of old maps so that nobody knew what it was reading. It hadn¡¯t worked: the book was so steamy that Dren¡¯s cheeks were bright red. ¡°Dren,¡± Nanoc said patiently, ¡°Put down the werewolf romance and help us here.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t reading werewolf romance,¡± Dren protested, which was technically true and an important statement of relative pride. Werewolf romance was widely considered to be the second-lowest form of literature ever invented. ¡°Dren, put the book away. Rotcel, stop staring at the chicken,¡± Nanoc said to his friends. ¡°There is something very wrong with this town.¡± The door of a nearby barn cracked open, and a gnome in a red cap stuck her head out. Nanoc gave her a little wave. ¡°Comrades!¡± she hissed. ¡°Get in here before the lackeys of management see you!¡± ¡°Do you think she¡¯s talking to us?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc asked. She wasn¡¯t too pleased about being called ¡®comrade¡¯, because comrades liked to share things and Rotcel ¡®Loc had a strict policy of shiny-miny. ¡°Do you know, she is pointing right at us,¡± Dren said, waving at the gnome. ¡°She seems quite upset, too. Perhaps she wants to give us a book? Fascinating.¡± This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. Nanoc sighed. He had briefly hoped that the gnome village was a pleasant, happy place, but he was starting to think it was not. ¡°Do you know, it could be an ambush,¡± Dren warned. ¡°By gnomes? Come on, what are they going to do, initial us to death?¡± Rotcel said, snorting with laughter. ¡°Let¡¯s just get out of here. Gnomes are lame. Present company excluded, of course." Nanoc frowned. He felt a responsibility to his fellow gnomes to find out what was going on. Besides, the gnome waving at them was quite pretty. ¡°Come on,¡± he said to his friends. He pushed through the door. A dozen gnomes froze where they stood. Half were wrapping intricate wooden clocks in sheep skins and then packing them into wooden crates, and the other half were sharpening wooden stakes to make short, weak spears. The oldest gnome, an aged woman who stood stooped over a wooden stick, was the first to recover. ¡°Who the hell is that?¡± she snapped. ¡°A free gnome,¡± the red-capped gnome said. ¡°He¡¯s a warrior! Look at his muscles! He¡¯s here to help us.¡± The other gnomes unfroze, cursing a little as they returned to work. They ignored Nanoc and his friends. Only the old gnome took an interest. She limped slowly over to Nanoc and smacked him across the chest with her walking stick with a thunk. The stick broke in half. ¡°You¡¯re big for a gnome, I¡¯ll give you that,¡± she said. ¡°But you must forgive my granddaughter. She thinks everyone who walks through here is some kind of savior. When will you give up on this idiotic idea of a passing hero, girl?¡± ¡°Seventh time lucky?¡± the young gnome in the red cap said optimistically. ¡°Seventh,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc hissed. ¡°And what happened to the others?¡± ¡°Management hired most of them as contractors,¡± the old gnome said. ¡°And a couple were probably just ripped apart. Now we just aim to fight as best we can, all by ourselves. You can help if you want to. I¡¯d suggest leaving at the end of the shift, though. You don¡¯t want to be a part of this. She wandered off. A gnome in a blue cap ran up to greet the newcomers. ¡°Ignore the old lady, comrade,¡± the gnome in the blue cap said. ¡°You and your friends are welcome to stay as long as you like. Even the lizardling, as long as she doesn¡¯t eat anyone.¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc gave a non-committal shrug. ¡°W-ell¡­ good. The revolution accepts comrades of every race and type without prejudice or judgment, and any mortal, god, monster, or other creature may join us in the name of comradeship,¡± Redcap said. ¡°All are welcome in our alliance.¡± ¡°Except vampires,¡± Bluecap muttered. ¡°We hate those guys.¡± ¡°Because they suck?¡± Dren asked cheerfully. ¡°No. They¡¯re parasites, living off the labor of the folk like ours without giving anything¡­¡± the gnome said, because revolutionaries are famous for not having a sense of humor. ¡°Ah,¡± Nanoc said, nodding. ¡°So they¡¯re your landlords, then.¡± ¡°If only that were all,¡± Redcap said glumly. ¡°They force us to build these awful clocks for them, paying us starvation wages to do it. They force us to pay rent to live beneath the roofs we built with our own hands, to pay for the food we grew ourselves, for the very water we draw from the well.¡± ¡°Of course they do,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°So why don¡¯t you leave?¡± ¡°A few have tried. They are hunted in the woods. No one has escaped. Some of us want to fight¡­¡± Nanoc shared a brief look with his friends. Rotcel ¡®Loc shook her head slightly, Dren looked worried. The gnomes could make as many wooden spears as they liked, but it wouldn¡¯t help. Gnomes were terrible warriors. Most gnomes, anyway. Nanoc smiled. ¡°I¡¯ll help you,¡± he said. ¡°What do you want me to do?¡± ¡°Kill them,¡± the gnome revolutionary said at once. ¡°We want you to kill all the vampires. Can you?¡± ¡°It will take more than stakes to kill a vampire,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said glumly. ¡°A lot more.¡± Vampires were notoriously hard to kill. The official advice given out by the Guild of Heroes to anyone thinking of trying to fight a vampire was: Don¡¯t. Ever. We really mean this. Many people had earned themselves early trips to the afterlife by ignoring this sensible advice. Nanoc was going to be one of them. ¡°Nanoc,¡± Rotcel whispered. ¡°There are people outside the barn door¡­ lots of them.¡± Shadows were moving under the door. Rotcel ¡®Loc drew a knife and pointed at Nanoc, and then at the door and made a strange motion with her hand as she explained her plan. Unfortunately for her, Nanoc had only understood the first part of it. ¡°You might want to put that book down, Dren. I think we¡¯re about to be attacked,¡± Nanoc mentioned casually. He leaned over and picked up one of the hammers. It was gnome-sized, which meant it was far too small to be used much in a fight. ¡°Pass me a couple of those stakes, would you?¡± he said. ¡°Let¡¯s see how well they work as darts.¡± 47. Ghouls! There was silence in the barn as everyone stared at the doors. Even the gnome workers stopped their work for a moment ¨C but only a moment ¨C before the bang and thud of their tools resumed again at double speed. The workers bent even lower over the clocks they were assembling, trembling. They flinched as the doors slammed open. In walked a plump gnome in a top hat and black jacket. Four enormous ghouls flanked him. ¡°Who the hell are you?¡± the gnome newcomer demanded of Nanoc and his friends. ¡°Who the hell are you?¡± Nanoc demanded right back. He didn¡¯t need to ask ¨C his identify enemy skill kicked in:
Nerak the unpleasant Level 7 Middle Manager A bossy and difficult fellow. He controls his fellow gnomes, forcing them to work long and poorly paid hours. Nerak himself is not paid much more than his workers, but his real reward is an inflated sense of self-importance.
Nerak was quite taken aback by Nanoc¡¯s attitude. He was used to people cowering before him (or at least the ghouls at his side) but Nanoc stood with the arrogant ease inherent to the barbarian class. Dren didn¡¯t cower, either, but mostly because he was madly scribbling down notes about a strange beetle he¡¯d just found in his robe. Rotcel ¡®Loc did back away from the gnome and his ghoul entourage, but that was mainly just due to the smell. ¡°Disgusting,¡± she muttered. ¡°Gross. You smell like turnips.¡± The ghouls¡¯ skins were grey from a lack of sunlight and brown from dirt, their eyes were red, their hair ¨C if that was what the white threads hanging from their heads were ¨C was terribly out of style. They had a musty, dusty, crusty smell. One of the ghouls pointed a brown talon at Nanoc and bit the air hungrily. Nanoc drew back, grimacing. ¡°Are you allergic to soap?¡± he asked them. ¡°You¡¯re one to talk,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc muttered. ¡°Excuse me,¡± Nerak shouted, annoyed that everyone¡¯s attention was on his bodyguard and not on him. ¡°I¡¯m the manager of this factory, and I demand to know who you are!¡± ¡°Do you know, we¡¯re just passing through,¡± Dren said brightly, releasing the beetle he¡¯d been studying. It flew into the air and out of the barn. ¡°We were just leaving, I think?¡± Nerak¡¯s eyes narrowed as he stared past Nanoc and saw the revolutionaries, Xram and Lrac, cowered against the barn. ¡°And you two! Larc, Xram, Why aren¡¯t you working? This was your last warning, I¡¯m done coddling you! Ghouls, take them away!¡± Two ghouls stepped forward towards the revolutionaries, Larc and Xram, who stood quivering but did not dare even run. The other gnome workers kept their heads bowed low over their work, their hands busy, their hearts full of ice. Like most gnomes, they were far too scared of getting into trouble to stand up for themselves. But Nanoc was not like other gnomes. He knew that trouble was inevitable, one way or another, so it might as well be his way. He stepped between the ghouls and the revolutionaries, a stake in each hand. Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator. ¡°Leave them alone,¡± he said sternly. ¡°Or things were get ugly. Uglier, anyway.¡± A ghoul lunged at Nanoc. He stepped neatly to one side and slapped it in the side of the head, sending it flying into a pile of springs with a gloing. The ghoul bounced right back out, hitting Nanoc in the back tackling him to the floor. The gnome hit back right away. ¡°Show gnome mercy!¡± Nanoc shouted out as a battle cry. ¡°Do you know, I like that one the best,¡± Dren said, nodding. ¡°Although it doesn¡¯t make sense. Is he going to show the gnome mercy? Or show a gnome¡¯s mercy, or¡ª¡± ¡°Get them!¡± Nerak screamed, clutching the buttons of his suit. The ghouls surged forward. A pair of them threw themselves at Nanoc on the floor, another charged at Dren. Rotcel ¡®Loc sighed in annoyance, ducking under a table. There was a flash of bright blue light as Dren levitated a ghoul off the ground so that it floated helplessly in the air, doggy-paddling uselessly with its massive hands. ¡°Do you know, that¡¯s not what I was going for,¡± the field scholar said, starting at his fingers and clicking them a few times. ¡°Now, what did I¡ª¡± The ghoul exploded into a splatter of bright green goo all over the floor, the ceiling, the walls, the two young revolutionaries, half of the gnomes, the other ghouls, Nanoc and Nerak. The only people who were not hit were Dren, who once again avoided the consequences of his own spell, and Rotcel ¡®Loc. The lizardling was still under the table. She nodded without surprise at the groans and curses that filled the barn and made no move to leave her shelter. The explosion of goo was so startling that all the fighters separated to different sides of the barn, cursing and wiping goo from their eyes. Dren clicked his fingers again. Everyone winced. The elf smiled brightly. ¡°Do you know, I really do think I know what went wrong. Let me just find a notebook¡ª" ¡°Are you all right back there?¡± Nanoc called out to the young revolutionaries. ¡°Yes, comrade. Although this green goo¡¯s is really sticky, isn¡¯t it?¡± Xram said. ¡°And the rest of the workers?¡± The other gnomes were already back at work, wiping good from the clock gears and pretending as hard as the could that they hadn¡¯t seen anything out of the ordinary. Nanoc stared at them, amazed at how dedicated they were to their own servitude. ¡°They¡¯re fine,¡± Larc said bitterly. ¡°They¡¯re just cowards. They think that ignoring the problems around them and just doing their jobs will keep them safe.¡± ¡°And will it?¡± Dren asked, interested. ¡°They¡¯re all covered in goo, just like the rest of us. So no.¡± On the far side of the barn, Nerak had regained just enough composure to be angry again. His suit was ruined, his ghouls were shaken, and green goo was leaking down the side of his face. ¡°Hand over the revolutionaries and you can go,¡± he shouted. ¡°I don¡¯t care who you are, just get the hell out of here before I really make you regret this.¡± ¡°Nah,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Why don¡¯t you leave them alone. Or you can fight us, but you won¡¯t win.¡± ¡°There are still four of us and only three of you,¡± Nerak pointed out. ¡°Two,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc corrected him from under a table. ¡°I¡¯m not coming out there until Dren promises to never use that spell again.¡± ¡°Actually, I think I was holding the magic upside down¡ª" ¡°Three,¡± the revolutionary in the said, stepping forward. The small revolutionary held a clock in front of her like a shield. But it still wasn¡¯t going to be a fair fight: another four ghouls entered the barn, slouching over to stand behind Nera, their long tongues rolling out eagerly. Larc gave a squeak of alarm and took several steps back, then ducked under the table beside Rotcel ¡®Loc, who gave her a small smile in greeting. Nanoc smiled. He was outnumbered. That¡¯s just how a barbarian liked it. 48. Duck duck ghoul On one side of the barn stood Nanoc; on the other stood Nerak the middle manager and seven of his ghoul henchmen. The ghouls were gibbering and hungry, the gnome workers were terrified, and the middle manager was smug. Nanoc the barbarian was not concerned. He stretched, his joints popping. He glanced over at his friends ¨C Rotcel'' Loc was still sheltering under a table, and Dren was furiously scribbling in a notebook. As usual, the fighting would be all up to the gnome. "You don''t even have a real weapon," Nerak said mockingly. "You must be the most under-prepared hero of all time." Nanoc smiled. "Oh, I''m not a hero," he explained. "I''m a barbarian!" He picked up the nearest half-built clock and wielded it like a club, activating his makeshift weapon skill.
Clobbering clock The big hand is pointing towards the twelve, and the little hand is pointing towards the enemy ¨C that must mean it''s clobbering time! Note: This counts as a club. Bonus damage if you hit someone with the cuckoo.
A ghoul leaped towards Nanoc, who swatted it aside with the clocking. There was a clink-gloing sound and the cuckoo shot out of the side of the clock, hitting the ghoul in the forehead and knocking it clean out. A second ghoul ducked under the clock only to receive a gnome knee in the stomach, and a third avoided both the clock and the knee and was feeling pretty good about itself when Nanoc slammed his head into its nose with a crunch that made the gnome workers wince as they worked. Nanoc pushed the fallen ghoul aside and slid right into another ghoul, knocking it over. Two jumped him, but he caught one by the foot and used it as a flail. The largest ghoul charged Nanoc, but the little gnome sidestepped, pushing it on the back and sending it stumbling past him. Nanoc''s eyes focused on Nerak. "Don¡¯t you dare lay a hand on me!¡± the middle manager warned Nanoc. ¡°I won¡¯t,¡± Nanoc promised, then kicked out with such strength that the middle manager flew off the ground and hit the roof. The sight of their manager flying through the air was met with a few shy coughs of appreciation from the gnome workers, and one was just brave enough to give Nanoc a quick thumbs up. Even the ghouls who were still standing seemed pleased ¨C Nerak was not too popular with them, either. The fight might have ended in a stalemate, but a dozen new ghouls rushed in, pointing and screaming. There were just too many for Nanoc to fight alone. Somebody had to do something fast. ¡°Dren!¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc shouted from under her table. ¡°Are you going to help or what?¡± ¡°Me? Do you know, I helped last time.¡± ¡°What? When?¡± ¡°With the talking trees, wasn¡¯t it?¡± Dren said. ¡°No, that was two times ago! I did the last one, with that snake skeleton thing that came right out of the swamp and¡ª¡± Four ghouls caught Nanoc by the arms while two more smashed him in the chest, pounding him like he was a drum. He screamed in fury. Behind him, his friends continued to argue. ¡°But I saved him from the weird bird thing that dragged him to its nest¡ª¡± ¡°But I helped him cut his toenails and that should count twice¡ª¡± Nanoc lifted the ghouls holding him using his incredible strength and threw them against a wall. Three more jumped on him and he disappeared under a pile of talons and pale skin. Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more. ¡°¡ªthe giant wasp!¡± Dren shouted at Rotcel. ¡°¡ªthe zombie accountants!¡± the lizardling shouted back. ¡°And the mutant scorpion thing!¡± ¡°Do you know, it doesn¡¯t count if we eat the beasts for dinner afterwards,¡± Dren said firmly. ¡°So it''s definitely your turn.¡± ¡°No, ghouls creep me out,¡± Rotcel shouted. ¡°Their dirty claws are gross, they¡¯re like shovels! What if they start planting staff right in front of me?¡± There was a thump, and a ghoul flew upwards through the roof and disappeared into the sky. For a moment Nanoc seemed to be doing fine all by himself, but then a ghoul bit his neck and blood spurted everywhere. Things were getting dire. Rotcel narrowed her brows. ¡°Do this or I¡¯ll tell Nanoc about that book I got you with werewolf and the tax collector¡ª¡± she began. ¡°What? No!¡± Dren said, shooting Nanoc an embarrassed look. The gnome hated tax collectors. ¡°I¡¯ll do it! Nanoc, Dren has been reading about¡ª" The gnome was too busy going berserk to either notice or care, but Dren still felt he had to act. ¡°Do you know, I might have a spell for this¡­ yeah.. Aaaaah¡­ Serif Kcab¡¯s glowing orbs!¡± Bright green lights exploded out of Dren¡¯s hands, forming glowing spheres that orbited around his head like tiny planets. The ghouls still standing looked at the lights, then down at the green goo that was all that remained of the last target of one of Dren¡¯s spells, and they fled through the barn doors. ¡°I¡¯ve nearly got it,¡± Dren muttered. His feet were floating off the ground, and his hair was crackling with power. The last ghoul to reach the door gibbered in fear, falling over its own dirty feet as it raced to leave. Dren floated a little higher. ¡°Aaah! Are they leaving already? Dren, you can come down now,¡± Nanoc said, reaching up to grab the tip of his friend¡¯s foot, which was now five feet off the ground. ¡°What? No! But I was about to¡ª¡± The spell failed, the summoned orbs exploding into eerie purple light. Dren dropped to the ground with a thump. Mana crackled wildly around him, turning the air blue and green, sparking through gears and clock pieces, and turning a passing mouse into a tiny silver dragon . ¡°Do you know, I nearly had it,¡± Dren complained, staring at his fingers. ¡°Too late,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. The ghouls had fled and their manager hung from a strut in the ceiling, alternating between whimpering and quiet threats. Nobody looked at him. The gnome workers had continued working throughout the fight, and they continued working after it, too. Only Larc and Xram, the revolutionary comrades, were brave enough to stand beside Nanoc and his friends. ¡°You fight so well¡­ and how do you look so good while sweating?¡± Xram said, impressed. ¡°It¡¯s a skill,¡± Nanoc said, pleased that someone had finally noticed. ¡°You saved us,¡± Larc said, in awe. ¡°They were going to take us up to the castle for being so rebellious, but you saved us!¡± ¡°Oh, that was too easy,¡± Nanoc said, dropping the remains of the clock he¡¯d been using as a club. A cuckoo shot out the side, and then the whole thing exploded into a cloud of gears and springs. ¡°No, that was too loud,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc muttered. ¡°And vampires have excellent hearing. We need to get out of here, fast, before their boss arrives. We don¡¯t want to mess with a vampire.¡± Nanoc was not so sure. He¡¯d killed possessed sheep, walking trees, a legendary troll, and even a blue cheese that had attacked him without warning. A vampire didn¡¯t sound too hard. ¡°What do you think, Dren? Could we kill a vampire? ¡°Do you know, I figured out what was wrong my spell,¡± Dren said, beaming. ¡°I was holding the mana in the wrong hand! How very foolish of me¡­ but I¡¯ve never read of this problem before. Do you think perhaps I have made a new discovery?¡± ¡°Fighting a vampire is certain death, and I won¡¯t do it. I plan on living forever,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said firmly. ¡°Forever?¡± Nanoc asked, amazed. A barbarian would never plan on living forever, because where was the fun in a life that wasn¡¯t at risk of ending at any moment? ¡°Yes, forever, surrounded by my collection of crowns and a few dozen nieces.¡± ¡°On a farm?¡± Nanoc suggested, poking fun at his friend. ¡°You can take up gardening in your old age.¡± ¡°How dare you! I¡ª¡± ¡°Do you know, it¡¯s still daytime,¡± Dren pointed out, interrupting the fight. ¡°And vampires are nocturnal.¡± He was right: the vampire had been sleeping, as they tended to during the day. Unfortunately, Nanoc had been loud enough to wake the dead. The barn door blew open and a cold wind blew in. It had been day outside a moment ago, but now the village was covered in a veil of unnatural darkness. Rotcel shivered; her breath hung in a white cloud in front of her. Far in the distance, a wolf howled. Thunder rolled through the air. He rolled a seven, which was bad news for Nanoc and his friends. Thunder loved an uneven fight. ¡°Ah,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said unhappily. ¡°Yeah. We should definitely run. Let¡¯s¡ª¡± It was too late. There was a flash of light that blinded everyone in the room. When Nanoc¡¯s vision returned, he could see a single, well-dressed figure leaning against the door frame. He wore a dark suit and black shoes, and a neat black tie. Nanoc wondered if he slept that way, or had somehow had time to dress. Neither option seemed good. The vampire smiled politely. His fangs were extremely white. ¡°Well, well, well,¡± he said. ¡°What have we here?¡± 49. A trickle down economy The vampire stood quite calmly as he considered Nanoc and his friends. He did not seem to notice the ghouls still lying on the ground from the fight or when his middle manager fell from the roof onto a table covered with gears and sent bits of metal flying. Instead, he simply raised an eyebrow and glanced at the gnomes shivering at the back of the barn. ¡°Oh, hello there!¡± Would you believe that we just arrived ourselves?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc tried, testing her charisma. ¡°And that we found the place like this?¡± ¡°No, no,¡± the vampire said pleasantly. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t believe that at all.¡± He stepped inside. More ghouls slunk in behind their master. They were worse than the ones Nanoc had defeated, larger, their teeth more-rotten, their talons longer and sharper and more stained with dirt. ¡°Are you afraid?¡± the vampire asked pleasantly. ¡°Yes,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said instantly. ¡°No,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°I¡ª" That was all he had time for. The vampire moved so fast they didn¡¯t see him; he simply appeared beside Nanoc. He placed one arm on Nanoc¡¯s shoulder as if trying to comfort the gnome, then hit Nanoc so hard that he immediately folded in two on the ground, groaning. The vampire was moving again before Nanoc hit the ground, moving so fast he was a blur, reaching Dren even as the elf was starting a spell, sweeping the field scholar¡¯s legs from beneath him. The elf¡¯s bag of books went one way, he went another. Rotcel had barely drawn a knife when it was her turn, the vampire backhanding her with two fingers and sending her flying into a wall. The fight was over in moments. Nanc and his friends were beaten. The ghouls raced forward, rounding up the other gnomes, pushing them to the far end of the shed, herding them like cattle. A handful of ghouls grabbed Nanoc and his friends and forced them to kneel before the vampire. He regarded them with interest. ¡°A gnome barbarian?¡± the vampire said after using some kind of identify skill. He sounded as pleased as if he had found a rare beetle to pin in his collection. ¡°How entertaining! I thought such things were impossible, yet here we are. I would learn more¡­ but first, business calls.¡± One of the ghouls dragged Lrac and Xram forward, holding a gnome in each hand. They were dead still, not daring to look up and meet their lord¡¯s eyes. ¡°Yes, yes, this must be my defective property,¡± the vampire said, frowning. ¡°Well, well, what are we to do with them? Complain to the manufacturer, perhaps? Yes, I think I will. You mothers will answer for this. I will not accept such flawed goods¡ª" ¡°They¡¯re people, not property!¡± Nanoc protested. ¡°Oh, not at all, not at all. This whole village is mine,¡± the vampire explained. ¡°Each of the gnomes huddling behind you belongs to me, and only exists to contribute to my wealth. They make clocks and write erotic novels, which I sell to the Static Empire. It¡¯s very profitable.¡± ¡°That¡¯s disgusting!¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Clocks are the works of Order!¡± ¡°Which books?¡± Dren asked. ¡°Which part is more profitable, would you say?¡± Rotcel asked. ¡°The books or the clocks?¡± The vampire held up a hand, somewhat surprised. Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings. ¡°Questions, questions! I can see you aren¡¯t the run-of-the-mill adventurers,¡± he said, pleased to have a chance to explain his evil empire. ¡°To answer the last question first, the¡ª" ¡°You¡¯re a parasite!¡± Lrac hissed, the gnome revolutionary growing just brave or desperate enough for one last bout of defiance. ¡°You take everything from us and give nothing! Nothing!¡± The vampire shrugged. ¡°I am the lord of this land,¡± he repeated. ¡°The lord. It¡¯s what we do. These gnomes are mine. Mine to milk as I like, mine to butcher when I wish. Not that I would eat them, of course. I¡¯d never do that. Gnomes are too stringy.¡± ¡°You can boil them¡ª¡± Rotcel offered, then stopped guiltily as she looked around. ¡°But which books, that¡¯s what I need to know? Can somebody please¡ª" ¡°What does a vampire need so much money for, anyway?¡± Nanoc demanded. "Do you know, there is no such thing as a poor vampire,¡± Dren offered. ¡°They have to be rich.¡± This was true. Vampires were the essence of old money; some were even older than money. They lived for it, dreamed of it, drew their power from it. As one of the longest-living races, they accumulated wealth through nefarious means and tended to look down their fangs at any race that worked for its paycheck. ¡°We¡¯re little more than slaves!¡± Xram shouted at the vampire. ¡°You make our lives miserable!¡± ¡°You make this whole thing sound so terrible,¡± the vampire said, smiling cheerfully. ¡°The gnomes benefit from this arrangement as much as I do, really. It¡¯s a trickledown system.¡± ¡°How exactly is it a trickle-down system?¡± Dren asked. ¡°I pee on them when I fly overhead. They find it very hydrating.¡± Nanoc strained against the huge ghouls holding him, but they were simply too large and too strong for him. One of them barred its rotting teeth at him. Its stomach gurgled, and its eyes focused on Nanoc¡¯s neck. Rotcel and Dren were similarly caught up, unable to even struggle. The vampire lord didn¡¯t seem to notice their discomfort, simply talking as casually as if they were all sitting in his study discussing politics over a glass of brandy. ¡°You gnomes hiding at the back of the shed can get back to work,¡± the vampire said with a charming smile. ¡°I know you didn¡¯t do anything to encourage this trouble. Make your quota by the end of the day and I won¡¯t even punish you. Much.¡± There was a sigh of audible relief from the gnome workers. They began to work again, their eyes looking downward, their faces carefully blank as the vampire turned to Nanoc and his friends. ¡°And you three, well, you can get out of here,¡± the vampire said, as if they didn¡¯t matter at all. ¡°We¡¯ll call this an amusing little misunderstanding. I¡¯ll let you keep your limbs, and in return all you have to do is tell everyone you meet to avoid this village. Do you understand?¡± ¡°Yes,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said at once. ¡°Do you know, I think that¡¯s very reasonable of you,¡± Dren agreed, wincing as the ghoul holding him licked the side of his face. ¡°Very¡­ reasonable.¡± Everyone¡¯s eyes flicked to Nanoc. ¡°Of course,¡± he lied. He didn¡¯t feel bad about it. Lying to landlords is the sort of rebellion that everyone should embrace as often as possible. ¡°Good, good,¡± the vampire said cheerfully. ¡°Then we can all part ways, and everything can go back to how it should be¡­ although I¡¯ll take her with me.¡± He moved so quickly that he was a blur, appearing beside Xram before she had a chance to even gasp. He picked her up, threw her over his shoulder, and was gone a moment later. His ghoulish minions climbed off Nanoc and his friends and followed their master back to his black manor. ¡°Dammit,¡± Nanoc muttered, rubbing his neck where the ghoul had been gripping it. ¡°Seven times dammit.¡± ¡°Do you know, that was most unpleasant,¡± Dren complained. ¡°One of those ghouls drooled all over my journal, look! Nothing is going to get that stain out!¡± ¡°We should count ourselves lucky,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said. ¡°He could easily have killed us. Now, can we get out of here?¡± ¡°But you have to rescue her!¡± Lrac pleaded. ¡°Please! You have to! He¡¯ll kill her!¡± Rotcel shook her head. She saw the expression on Nanoc¡¯s face. ¡°No!¡± she said, shaking her head. ¡°We can¡¯t. We need to run.¡± ¡°Do you know, I agree,¡± Dren said. ¡°I feel terrible for the young lady, but there is nothing we can do. I don¡¯t want to die here, Nanoc. There isn¡¯t even a library.¡± But Nanoc was a gnome, and he felt a certain sympathy for his own kind. He was also a servant of Chaos, as far as he served any god or goddess at all, and he had seen a spark of defiant fire burning in Xram¡¯s little gnomish heart that reflected the flames in his own. He had thought such a thing impossible. He had thought he was alone; he would be, soon enough, if he didn¡¯t act. And besides, the damned banana was buzzing in its holster again. He knew what it would be: a quest. There was no avoiding it. ¡°You¡¯re right, I agree,¡± he said to his friends. ¡°We should run. You two get ready to leave, I¡¯m just going to see if they have any food here.¡± It was time for Nanoc to save the day again¡­ but this time he¡¯d be going in alone. 50. Nanoc goes alone The vampire¡¯s manor house stood on a low hill to the east of the village. It was a large, elegant building of thin windows set in black stone, with towers at its center and at the end of each wide wing. Gardens of carefully tended topiary bushes surrounded it, and there were several fountains set along between the bushes. The grass beneath Nanoc¡¯s feet was lush, green, and flat in that way that suggested a lot of ghoul gardeners worked very hard on it. There was a long, shallow, and perfectly rectangular reflection pool fed by an elegant white fountain carved from marble and set with shining gold leaf. It was all quite beautiful. Vampires have style ¨C the kind of style that requires a lot of work by other people. There was nobody around ¨C the sun was high in the sky, and the vampire and his minions had gone back to bed. Even the ghouls had retreated in the cool darkness of the crypts beneath the manor house. ¡°Right,¡± Nanoc said uncertainly. It felt wrong trying to break in during the day. It was too exposed, too open. How could he sneak without shadows? On the other hand, vampires could probably see in the dark anyway. Nanoc crept from bush to bush, racing the last few yards to the side of the manor house. The windows on the ground floor were narrow, but not too narrow for a gnome. Nanoc slammed his elbow into one, smashing it, and he slipped inside the vampire¡¯s mansion. It was dark inside. Every window was covered in a thick curtain that blocked out the sun. Nanoc flailed around for a few moments until his eyes adapted to the dark. A ghost the size of an orc was floating by the wall beside him, leering. It hissed at him. Nanoc jumped in surprise, then punched the ghost. His fist passed right through the ghost and hit the wall behind it with a thunk that made Nanoc gasp in pain. He tried a roundhouse kick, but his foot flew through the ghost¡¯s head without harming it. Nanoc shouted in anger but his blows went right through the specter, leaving him unbalanced and deeply unsatisfied. It was pretty hard to fight a flying monster with no actual body. ¡°You''re very annoying, aren''t you?,¡± Nanoc said as the ghastly specter floated over his head, laughing at him. ¡°So I can¡¯t hit you. Fine. That means you can¡¯t hit me, either, right?¡± The ghost lunged at him, biting a chunk off his neck. Red gnome blood trickled out, dripping on the floor. Nanoc was more annoyed than angry. ¡°Dammit!¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°That¡¯s not fair!¡± The ghost bit him again, on the arm this time. Its teeth were icy cold. Nanoc could feel his blood boiling over with anger at this pesky monster. He wanted to rage, he wanted to go berserk, he wanted to kick the ghost over the moon, but he couldn¡¯t. He swatted it a few more times just in case, but to no affect. He was so annoyed that he stopped fighting to think for a moment, which went against everything a barbarian believed in.Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel. ¡°How do I hurt you?¡± he hissed, activating his identify enemy skill.
Ghastly ghost It¡¯s a ghost that can bite people. Nasty. These mean-spirited spirits haunt dark corners of the world Below in and get their kicks by jumping out at any mortal unlikely to get lost in the dark. Immune to physical attacks. Do you have any magical attacks? No? Then run.
¡°Not helpful,¡± Nanoc hissed, ducking as the ghost tried to bite him again. ¡°Not helpful at all.¡± Except it was, of course. There was only one option: Nanoc ran for it. ¡°I wish Dren were here,¡± he panted as he sprinted away. ¡°He¡¯d have a spell or something to deal with this, or to enchant an axe, or to burn the building down at least! Ah, good times.¡± He ran past old oil paintings of vampires hung on the walls, past dusty suits of armor, past crumbling tapestries hung on the wall, and all the while the ghost swooped down on him, taking the occasional bite from his shoulders and head. Nanoc cursed as he ran, his legs growing tired. He couldn¡¯t outrun the phantom, he realized. He stopped suddenly and the ghost flew past him. ¡°It¡¯s completely ridiculous that you can hurt me but I can¡¯t hurt you,¡± he snapped at it. ¡°It¡¯s not a fair fight at all! Can¡¯t you manifest a body so I can punch you or something?¡± The ghost leered at him with glowing eyes and opened a mouth of sharp white teeth. They were translucent, too, yet somehow real enough to hurt. It did not manifest a physical body just so that Nanoc could punch it ¨C it liked being untouchable. The ghost had been a door-to-door salesorc in its former life, and was having a lot more fun spending its days flying through doors rather than knocking on them. It chased Nanoc down the corridor, swooping and gigglings, unwilling to kill the gnome too soon. It was like a cat playing with its food, and knowing this made Nanoc angrier than ever. He reached a locked down leading out of the corridor and grabbed the handle. The handle did not move; the door did not open. He peered through the keyhole but saw nothing. The specter was getting closer, licking its white teeth with a translucent red tongue. Nanoc sighed, wiggling the door handle a few more times without any success. ¡°I wish Rotcel was here,¡± he muttered. ¡°She¡¯d get through this lock with ease¡­ as long as she thought there was treasure on the other side. I miss that greedy lizard. Ah well¡­¡± He took a run at the door, leaping into the air and ramming it with his shoulder while activating his incredible strength skill. He hit the door so hard that it crashed open. He raced inside and slammed it shut. ¡°Ha! I don¡¯t need your help at all, Rotcel!¡± Nanoc said triumphantly. ¡°I¡¯m a one-gnome vampire slaying, revolutionary-rescuing gnome and I don¡¯t care what the banana has to say about it! I¡ª¡± But he relied on Rotcel ¡®Loc for far more than just unlocking doors. She was a natural for finding and deactivating traps. Nanoc was only a natural at finding them. There was a tiny click beneath his left foot. The large stone tile he was standing on shifted just slightly. Nanoc froze. The stone was silent. It did not move again. ¡°Ha!¡± Nanoc said, ¡°I must be getting jumpy. I almost thought I¡¯d¡ª" The specter floated through the door. It gave Nanoc a sarcastic little wave of greeting, then floated through the door a few times to make its point. There was no escape. ¡°Damn,¡± Nanoc admitted. ¡°I forgot you could do that. Wait a moment, though, I¡ª" There was a louder click from under his foot. The tile dropped down away, and Nanoc fell into the darkness below the manor house. 51. This chapter is covered in spiders Nanoc woke up in a spider''s web, five feet above the ground, his body bound in thick white strands of silk. The trap he had fallen into had brought him down through the manor, past the crypts where the ghouls slept, down past the wine cellars and treasure vaults, down past the bones of ancient lizards, and into the caves where the vampire kept his least appetizing prisoners. It was dark, down in the depths of the world. Formation, fourth born of the first generation of gods, god of earth and stillness, ruled beneath the world. It was often claimed by bards that Form had fallen out with his mother, the Sun, and had banned her from his territory beneath the world. Actually, this was entirely untrue ¨C the Sun loved her son, but was allergic to his pet dwarves and so tended not to visit, leaving Nanoc without her warm light. The only light was from a single torch hanging on the wall to one side. Thick sheets of stick web hung from the roof overhead, turning the dungeon into a maze. Dozens of bodies were hanging in the web ¨C well, bits of bodies, anyway. Elves, humans, dwarves, gnomes, and even the odd ghoul had met their fate below the manor. "You shouldn''t have come to rescue me," said a quiet voice from Nanoc''s side. He glanced over ¨C Lrac, the gnome revolutionary, was hanging upside down in the web beside him. Her face was turning bright red from the blood rushing down to it, but otherwise she was healthy, if a little morose. "I''ll cut myself out of the web in a moment," Nanoc said, wriggling about. "But¡­ its a bit breezy in here, isn¡¯t it?" "The ghouls came down to strip away your weapons," Larc said. She was pointedly looking up at the ceiling. "They took your pants, too.¡± "Ah. That''s a pity." "Typical cruelty from the ruling classes," she muttered. "Taking away a gnome''s dignity." "Dignity is over-rated," Nanoc said. "But I had a knife in those pants that I was planning on using." He struggled some more, but all that happened was the web wound tighter around him. He noticed that while the ghouls had taken his weapons and clothes, they had left him the banana of mayhem, which hung beside him in the web. Ghouls don''t like fruit. "We''ll die down here," Lrac continued sadly. "The vampire seldom visits, and if he does, it will only be to feed. You should have stayed away." Nanoc chuckled. "I''ve survived worse than this. One time Dren accidently turned us all into cakes. Fruit cakes. We were right next to a family of mutant baboons at the time, too. That was a real mess. And then there was the thing with the land fish. We were lucky to get out of there alive. I¡ª" "But you survived that," Lrac interrupted him. "And you were with your friends, too. That makes all the difference. We''re alone down here." "Then we''ll just have to make new friends. But first, I need a way to get out of here!" The ghouls had not taken the Banana of Mayhem, which was stuck beside Nanoc''s head. He stared at it expectantly. It did nothing. "Well?" he said. "Don''t you think it''s time to cheat a little bit?" Lrac shook her head, sure that Nanoc was already going mad. The banana considered his request, then gave a little buzz.
You have one new skill point!
"Ah!" Nanoc said, triumphantly. "I''ve just gained a skill point!" "I don''t see how that will help." Nanoc paused for a moment. He also couldn''t see how it would help, but the banana must have given it to him for a reason. What could it be? He checked his stats, and there it was, the solution to all his problems: his good with knives skill.
Good with knives Upgrade now and get a new set of steak knives!
"I wonder¡­" Nanoc said. "No, surely it can''t be that easy?"This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there. He would have to try. Desperate times called for desperate measures. He put his skill point into good with knives. A set of steak knives materialized beside him and dropped into the net right beside his free hand. The knives were cheap and shiny but made of poor steal and quick to lose their edge. Never-the-less, they were good enough to cut him free. "What?" Larc, shocked. "How did you¡ª" She gasped as Nanoc cut the web that was holding her up, and she dropped to the ground. They stood side by side in the gloom, rubbing their arms where the web had cut into the flesh. They did not have long to rest ¨C there was a chittering sound from the darkness, and the webs around them bounced and swayed. "Oh, gods," Lrac moaned. "Is this going to be another foul beast?" "Don¡¯t be so pessimistic,¡± Nanoc told her. ¡°Remember how you said you didn¡¯t want to die alone? This might be your chance to make a new friend.¡± But the spider that emerged from the darkness did not look very friendly. Her body was rigid and black, her head was all bulging eyes and long fangs. She crept forward slowly, eyeing the gnomes in surprise. Nobody had ever escaped her webs before, and it was unsure what to do next. She stepped forward, readying itself for a charge. ¡°Wait!¡± Nanoc commanded, his voice booming with such authority that the arachnid froze. ¡°Aren¡¯t spiders meant to have eight legs?¡± The beast paused, regarding the gnome with ten black eyes. Nanoc¡¯s clerk skills had helped him again: most barbarians can¡¯t count to eight. The giant spider had only seven legs, two of which were little more than stumps. The beast still managed to climb through her web with impressive agility. Yet the spider looked quite unbalanced, her missing limbs ugly and obvious. ¡°What happened to you?¡± Nanoc asked with concern. The spider gave a little shrug, bobbing in the web, and hid her head under one claw. The creature¡¯s black skin turned a little red. There were white scars on her back, and now that she was closer, Nanoc could see that a couple of her eyes were puffy and swollen from crying. ¡°No, no, don¡¯t be embarrassed, you poor thing,¡± Nanoc told the spider soothingly. ¡°Seven is a good number, a divine number. Instinct was the seventh god of the first generation, was he not? And you seem to be one of his creations. Am I right? You¡¯re a good girl.¡±
Charisma check: Charm animal Successful!
The spider nodded, slightly mollified. The pincers of her mouth opened and closed a few times uncertainly. ¡°You would be terrifying with only four legs, you magnificent beast,¡± Nanoc purred to her. ¡°Larc, have you seen this spider? She¡¯s beautiful.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t talk to it like that! Kill it! It¡¯s going to drain our blood and lay its eggs in our brains!¡± Larc shouted at Nanoc. ¡°No, she won¡¯t¡ª¡± Nanoc said, but then glanced back at the dead bodies wrapped in the webs around them. Their skulls did look somewhat exploded. He turned to the spider again. ¡°Wait, is that what you were going to do?¡± The spider shook her head slightly, gesturing at the gnome¡¯s neck with one leg then waving a claw from side to side in clear denial. ¡°Exactly,¡± Nanoc said happily. ¡°I bet the vampire is the only one allowed to drain our blood, right?¡± The spider nodded. ¡°I bet the spider only lays her eggs in our brains once we¡¯re dead,¡± Nanoc said triumphantly. The spider froze for a moment, thinking, then nodded again in a totally unconvincing manner. It had never occurred to her to wait until her victims were dead. ¡°That¡¯s not vicious, then, that¡¯s basically just recycling,¡± Nanoc continued. ¡°You¡¯re just helping the circle of life, right? What a good girl. Lrac, you were looking for a friend, and here we are!¡± The spider and the gnome revolutionary stared at each other, unconvinced that this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. ¡°And what is that thing around you?¡± Nanoc asked, disgusted. There was a thick chain around the spider¡¯s abdomen, pinching it. The spider touched it with one long leg dejectedly, and her whole body seemed to shrink down in sorrow. ¡°Kill it!¡± Lrac hissed to Nanoc. ¡°Kill it now, before its too late!¡± ¡°Look at her chains,¡± Nanoc said, shaking his head. ¡°I thought revolutionaries like you wanted to free the slaves.¡± ¡°Well¡­ yeah, the gnomish slaves, sure,¡± Lrac said awkwardly. And other humanoid races, but this thing is all claws and chitin and its¡ª" She stopped, aware that Nanoc and the spider were glaring at her. Lrac was scared of the spider, but the fires that burnt in her tiny revolutionary heart were the fires of Chaos, who had loved all mortals regardless of their number of legs, and who hated all chains regardless of their justification. There was a moment when revolutionary thoughts fought against what the gnome had always considered to be careful common sense; Chaos won, of course. ¡°Sorry,¡± Lrac muttered. ¡°I was having a stupid moment. Let me help you get these chains off.¡± The chains were rusty. Lrac helped Nanoc use a pair of ancient femurs to pry a link open until the metal snapped. The spider sighed, shaking herself with joy. She bounced in a circle, she leaped up and down. Then she turned towards Nanoc and hissed at him, her fangs open. Lrac nearly fainted, but Nanoc stood his ground. He could see how the chain had rubbed the spider¡¯s skin raw. He could feel the anger coursing through the beast¡¯s book lungs. She hissed again, fires in her eyes. She wasn¡¯t after food ¨C she wanted revenge. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯d feel that way, too,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Off you go, then, and have fun!¡± The spider shook its head, pointing at Nanoc and Lrac, then pointing upwards. She did a little dance, a pantomime of climbing. ¡°You want us to come with you?¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Back up the trap door?¡± The spider nodded.¡°On¡­ you?¡± The spider nodded again. ¡°Well then¡­ yeehaaa!¡± 52. Gnome vs vampire The climb out of the dungeons took several hours and left Nanoc and Lrac covered in dust and cobwebs. For Nanoc, riding a giant spider out of the dungeons was just another typical day as a barbarian, and he spent most of the climb sneezing loudly and chatting with the spider about life in the dungeon. For Lrac the revolutionary, who had never even left her village before being taken to the manor, the prison escape was terrifying. She shuddered and cried, she cursed and screamed, she muttered and moaned, holding tightly to Nanoc''s waist until they reached the trapdoor. She had her eyes closed tightly as the spider pushed the trapdoor open and emerging into the room from which Nanoc had fallen. The ghost he had been running from was still there. It was as surprised to Nanoc as the gnome was to see it. "You!" Nanoc snapped, pointing at the ghost. "I¡¯d forgotten about you! All that dust has been making me sneeze¡­ come here! I¡¯m going to use your floating sheets to wipe my nose!" The gnome stepped towards the ghost, which retreated all the way to the wall before it remember that the gnome couldn¡¯t actually hurt it. It snickered and floated forward. The spider spat a glob of web at the ghost, hitting it in the head and knocking it backward. ¡°Thank you!¡± Nanoc said, exasperated. ¡°Can you do it again?¡± The spider could and did, covering the ghost in sticky web. She had eaten a mage ¨C or more than one mage, if she was being honest - and there was enough magic in her veins for her web to catch anything, even ghosts. The ghost tried to fly away, couldn¡¯t, then opened its mouth and screeched out an alarm that echoed through the corridors. The sound was answered by angry yells that were muffled by doors and walls, but quickly became clearer and louder. The ghouls were coming. All of the ghouls. Nanoc led his friends out into the corridor as the sounds got closer. A dozen ghouls appeared around a corner. They hollered eagerly when they saw the intruders. Run,¡± Nanoc suggested to Lrac and the spider. ¡°I¡¯ll hold them here as long as I can.¡± ¡°But¡ª¡± Lrac said. ¡°Run,¡± Nanoc said, louder this time. ¡°Find Dren and Rotcel ¡®Loc; they¡¯ll help you escape.¡± "They¡¯d do that for me?¡± ¡°Of course they will! Well, probably. Maybe. I don¡¯t know. They get distracted a lot, and they might have already left. Do you have any crowns on you? Or a book? No? Pity.¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°I mean¡­ you¡¯ll be fine. Go!¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Go!¡± ¡°I¡ª¡± The spider grabbed Lrac in her black pincers and climbed the walls towards the nearest window. They were gone before the first gibbering ghoul reached Nanoc. The ghoul eyed Nanoc nervously. News of the gnome had spread through the manor. Nanoc smiled; the ghoul retreated, unwilling to face a barbarian, even a short one. The other ghouls slowed their attack, forming a clump of dirty bodies. None of them wanted to make the first move. They didn¡¯t need to, either. Their noise had drawn the attention of the vampire¡¯s newest and largest pet. The corridor filled with the smell of musty death as a massive maggot made of bones dragged itself toward Nanoc. ¡°How¡­ dare¡­ deft¡­. my master,¡± the beast whispered in a familiar voice. ¡°I¡­ shall¡­. DESTROY YOU! I¡­ will¡­ OH, NO!¡± ¡°Oh, hello again,¡± Nanoc said, facing off against the possessed pile of bones that was taking a familiar shape. ¡°Do you remember me, then? Good. Or¡­ baaaa¡¯d for you, I suppose. You were jelly last time. Is this an upgrade?¡±If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it. ¡°How¡­ can¡­ this BE! I¡­ was¡­ BANISHED!¡± the beast roared. ¡°My¡­ soul¡­ drifted¡­ THROUGH THE ABYSS! For¡­ TEN THOUSAND ETERNITIES!¡± ¡°It¡¯s only been a few weeks for me since we left Mary¡¯s farm, you know. How was the abyss? Fun?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°It¡­ was¡­ TERRIBLE!¡± ¡°Oh? That¡¯s surprising, I¡¯d only HEARD GOOD THINGS about it, you know?¡± Nanoc said with a mischievous smile. The beast of bones glared at Nanoc with glowing blue eyes. It pawed the ground, slivers of bone breaking off of its many feet. ¡°At last¡­ I¡­ was recalled¡­ to serve¡­ I¡­ was SUMMONED! I will not¡­ LOSE THIS TIME!¡± ¡°Yeah, you will!¡± ¡°I¡­ will¡­ NOT!¡± ¡°Will too!¡± The pile of animated bones thrashed wildly, sending bits of femur flying through the air. It roared in fury, it huffed and puffed, it cursed and threatened. It didn¡¯t attack, though. Like the ghouls, it was wary of the gnome. Yet Nanoc was not feeling overly confident that he could win the fight against it, either. The gnome had the wall of ghouls on one side, and the beast of possessed bones on the other. If they rushed him fast enough, he would end up like the gnomish filling in the world¡¯s grossest sandwich. It was an impasse. ¡°Ah, well, this is most interesting,¡± the vampire said from right behind Nanoc. The gnome jumped and spun ¨C but the vampire was already gone. There was a movement in the air, a body passing by. Nanoc spun in a circle but saw nothing. ¡°I know why the ghouls hesitate,¡± the vampire whispered right into Nanoc¡¯s ear. ¡°But why does my new pet not grind your bones to add to its body, hmm? Why the lackluster display of hunger?¡± That last question was directed at the beast of possessed bones, which turned its head away, unable to look at its master. ¡°Oh, we¡¯ve run into each other before,¡± Nanoc said cheerfully. ¡°Your pet came to regret meeting me, I think. I have that effect on monsters¡­ and people, too.¡± ¡°You two know each other, then?¡± the vampire asked, turning to glare at his pet. ¡°Mmm, and what an interesting story that must be. Kill the gnome.¡± ¡°I¡­ will¡­ KILL YOU!¡± the beast of bones roared. ¡°I shall¡­ rip your HEAD OFF AND¡ª¡± The beast charged forward, but it was slow and clumsy and not, in truth, all that keen on actually hitting the gnome. Nanoc jumped to one side and the beast barreled in the ghouls, tossing them aside. ¡°Too slow, too slow,¡± the vampire muttered from behind Nanoc. ¡°It¡¯s so hard to get evil help these days, you know? I was really hoping for a bit more of a show. Ah, well, so it goes.¡± He placed a hand on Nanoc¡¯s shoulder and turned the gnome around. Nanoc raised a fist, but there was nothing he could do. The vampire picked the gnome up and slammed him against the wall, knocking the air out of his lungs with a whoooof. ¡°You reek of spider,¡± the vampire hissed. ¡°Did you slay my little plaything?¡± ¡°Yes,¡± Nanoc lied. The vampire wouldn¡¯t chase the beast if he thought it was dead. ¡°The spider ate my friend, so I killed her. That¡¯s what happened. Totally.¡± It was not a particularly convincing lie, but it was a lot more likely than what had actually happened in the darkness below the manor. ¡°How competent you must be, gnome,¡± the vampire said thoughtfully. ¡°You kill my pet venomous spider, you sneak out of my dungeons, and you even intimidate what was meant to be a fearless and unfeeling beast from the depths of Hell itself.¡± The vampire glared at the beast of bones, which rustled its many femurs in shame. ¡°Oh, they don¡¯t have beasts like that in Hell,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Only demons. And these eye creatures that bounce and¡ª¡± The vampire slammed him against the wall again. ¡°I could use a gnome of your ability,¡± he whispered into Nanoc¡¯s ear. ¡°Power, wealth, control over the other gnomes. All you would have to do is beg for your life, beg to let me be your master, beg¡ª" ¡°Can we discuss this over dinner?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°I¡¯m getting pretty hungry.¡± ¡°Beg, gnome,¡± the vampire continued, ignoring him. ¡°Beg to join me, to serve me. I have dreams that go beyond this village, gnome. Together, we could¡ª" Nanoc¡¯s stomach rumbled so loudly that the vampire stopped, amazed. A few ghouls snickered behind his back as Nanoc¡¯s belly roared out for pie. ¡°Did you say something about food?¡± he asked. ¡°Do not disrespect me, gnome. I can kill you,¡± the vampire hissed. ¡°I can snap your neck in an instant.¡± ¡°Yeah? Well, that still sounds way more fun than this conversation,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°What?¡± the vampire shouted. ¡°How dare you!¡± He leaned towards Nanoc, who headbutted the evil lord right in the nose, using all his powers and abilities to land one final attack that flattened the vampire¡¯s nose. The vampire screamed. Nanoc felt his neck snap. There was pain. The world went dark. Nanoc had DIED TRYING. Luckily for him, death wasn¡¯t going to be all permanent. 53 The Court of Death There was a snap of bone, a piercing pain, and then¡­ nothing. Nanoc had DIED TRYING. Had he lived in a different universe, this might have been the end of his tale. In the universe of Above and Below, however, a mortal¡¯s death was only part of their journey like an unpleasant but unavoidable bump in the road. So it was that when Nanoc¡¯s body dropped to the ground, his spirit remained standing as a pale red ghost. ¡°Damn,¡± Nanoc said, annoyed, which was a fairly common reaction among the newly deceased. ¡°So¡­ now what?¡± Everything moved too quickly around him ¨C the vampire disappeared, the ghouls came and went as blurs. The manor disappeared gradually, like the backdrop of a play being withdrawn, revealing the bare stage itself. Nanoc¡¯s body began to float upwards, up through the roof of the manor, up through the sky. Nanoc closed his eyes tightly as the world dropped away and he ascended to the lowest of the seven levels of heaven Above. ¡°Wait!¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°No! I hate flying! Can¡¯t we go downward instead?¡± He kept his eyes closed until his feet touched down on something solid and, a few moments later, someone shoved him gently in the back. Only then, with ground beneath him did he dare open an eye. ¡°Sand?¡± he said, amazed. ¡°And¡­ and emptiness. I¡¯m cold, so cold.¡± Nanoc stood on an endless plain of black sand. The sky above was night, filled with bright constellations no mortal would recognize. The plains were still, without wind, without the stirring of bird or beast, without even the chirp of a locust. These were the lands of Death, sixth born of the first generation of gods, the god of endings, the god of soothing darkness and closing eyes, and - because everyone needs a hobby ¨C the god of fishing. The lands were beautiful but empty, for Death has a minimalist style. Too minimalist, some thought. Death¡¯s older sister, Life, fifth born of the first generation of gods, was always trying to convince him to add a little color to his lands. Life was the most active and imaginative of all her family and she considered every empty space to be a blank canvas on which she would experiment, creating a bewildering array of creatures and mortals until there was simply no room for more. Death, by comparison, was lazy. This explains why there are an infinite number of ways to live but, in the final count, only a few dozen ways of dying. ¡°I¡¯m know this place,¡± Nanoc said, frowning. ¡°Yet I have never been here before. How can this be?¡± All mortals knew the lands of Death. An enchantment on the land caused them to feel the knowledge in their very souls ¨C Death considered this to be a lot easier than having to explain it each time by talking to the souls. On a hill near Nanoc stood the Court of Death. This was a simple sphere, because the traditional seven walls seemed far too much work, and it was white, because color seemed even more effort. Death had, however, lit the temple with floating silver balls, which sent light spilling out into the desert, a lure for any passing mortal soul. Nanoc felt a gentle shove in his back and turned to see the spirit of a dwarf, bearded, black, and translucent. The spirit bowed and smiled apologetically. ¡°Welcome to the Court of Death,¡± the spirit said, not unkindly adding, ¡°I have to ask you to follow the path and get in line for judgment.¡± ¡°Get in¡­ line?¡± Nanoc asked. The spirit gestured towards the hill where a line of spirits, a thousand spirits, were waiting patiently at the gates of the Court. Humans and elves, orcs and gnomes, dwarves and sentient rocks, goblins and giants, tree-things and molemen, blobs of intelligent goo, and a dozen other mortal races were floating patiently, waiting for judgment. Nanoc sighed. Of course. Order ruled Above as he did Below, and the lines in heaven were long, straight, and quiet. And slow. A mortal could wait in line for many years before entering even the Court of Death for judgment. ¡°It¡¯s actually not that bad,¡± the spirit of the dwarf said defensively. ¡°You shouldn¡¯t have to wait more than a year or two. Three at the most. Well¡­ maybe four, but definitely not more than seven. Yes, it¡¯s not so bad this millenia.¡±Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site. Nanoc stared at the long line. ¡°Nah,¡± he said. ¡°I¡¯m not doing that.¡± ¡°You have to,¡± the spirit said in surprise. ¡°You have to wait in line. That¡¯s what lines are for.¡± But Nanoc was a barbarian and his class did not wait in line. He walked right past the line towards the temple gates. There were a few protests from the waiting spirits as he passed them, but most assumed that he was there on official business and not for judgment. It was only at the doors to the temple itself that he was stopped by one of Death¡¯s servants, the spirit of a lizardling. The lizardling held up a hand to challenge Nanoc, but the gnome had a plan. ¡°I¡¯m here for the surprise audit,¡± Nanoc said before the lizardling could speak. ¡°I¡­ what?¡± ¡°The surprise audit. I¡¯ll need to see your paperwork,¡± Nanoc explained impatiently. ¡°But I hadn¡¯t heard¡ª¡± ¡°Of course not.¡± ¡°But you¡¯re a¡ª¡± ¡°I¡¯m a gnome clerk,¡± Nanoc snapped. ¡°Who else would they send to carry out an audit?¡± This made a lot of sense: gnomes were notorious for their love of paperwork. They were also famous for doing what they were told. ¡°What is your name?¡± Nanoc demanded of the lizardling. ¡°I will make a complaint to your manager!¡± The lizardling hesitated. ¡°Toag?¡± she suggested unconvincingly. ¡°Yeah, Toag Epacs, that¡¯s my name. For sure.¡± Outwardly Nanoc was grumpy and annoyed, but inside he was impressed. He had no doubt that Toag was one of the lizardling¡¯s fellow spirits whom she had just thrown to the wolves. That was quick thinking. Nanoc wanted to smile, but instead he shook his head as if disappointed and pushed his way into the court. He entered a small, dark room with a single chair set in front of a judge¡¯s bench. There were several windows in the room, but the only door was a heavyset black portal at the back which didn¡¯t look like it had ever been opened. It was in rooms like this that every mortal would eventually be judged. Not by Death himself, who naturally made any and every excuse to avoid the work that was his purpose, but by one of the many mortal spirits who served him as judges. Nanoc¡¯s judge had been an elf when she was alive and had kept much the same shape, although now she was considerably more see-through than before. ¡°Take a seat,¡± she said from her bench. She was staring at the ceiling as if its infinite black depths were the most interesting thing in the world. Nanoc had been expecting condemnation or mockery, or maybe a little anger. Instead, he was faced with a display of indifference even greater than that of a teenager being lectured by their mother. ¡°Sit,¡± she repeated. Nanoc did not sit. The judge did not care. She drew a parchment from a pocket and let it float above her. She had still not looked at Nanoc. ¡°Please state your name and the god which you follow,¡± the judge said with the tired disinterest of someone who had asked that question a hundred times a day for millennia. ¡°Why?¡± ¡°What? So that I know what to call you, of course,¡± the judge said, annoyed. ¡°No,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°What does it matter which god or goddess I follow?¡± ¡°Well, if you lived according to the scriptures of your god, they may deign to send a delegate to speak on your behalf,¡± the spirit said, then added ¡°But they probably won¡¯t.¡± Most of the gods lost interest in their followers once they died. Occasionally they would recruit one of the more dedicated souls to serve them in some capacity, but mostly they left the dead to find their own way. (Chaos had been the exception. She had always come down to the courts herself to speak on behalf of her followers. On occasion, when the courts were busy, this had meant splitting herself into a thousand pieces to make sure that some version of her soul would be there to argue and cajole with the judges of the dead to ensure they were given the most generous judgment so that they could start their next lives well. The other gods and goddesses had rolled their eyes as Chaos¡¯s antics in the courts, but her mortal followers had loved her for it). ¡°And which member of the pantheon did you say you followed?¡± the spirit judge asked, staring at her form. ¡°None.¡± The judge paused as if wondering if this was an alias for one of the many gods ¨C and there were so many gods that it was possible ¨C before realizing the truth. ¡°You¡¯re an agnostic?¡± she asked, her indifference breaking slightly. ¡°We don¡¯t get many of those up here.¡± ¡°I¡¯m an antagonistic,¡± Nanoc corrected her. ¡°I believe the gods make me angry.¡± ¡°What? That¡¯s not¡ª But you¡¯re a gnome! Your people always believe what they¡¯re told.¡± "Not me.¡± The judge searched for the forms in front of her for several minutes before shaking her head. ¡°There isn¡¯t a box for this,¡± she muttered. ¡°Damn these stupid forms. I¡¯ll need to go and check something." She floated out one of the windows, calling out, ¡°Wait right there!¡± For most gnomes ¨C for most mortals ¨C such an instruction would have been enough. Who dares defy the very judge who decides what your soul is worth? Not many. Yet Nanoc did not wait where he was he was told to. Instead he walked to the back of the room, opening the black door and slipping into Death¡¯s inner sanctum. Where he found Death sleeping. 54. Death hates small talk Death''s inner sanctum was set beside a vast lake. The lake was filled with water so dark and flat that it perfectly reflected the white clouds above. A scattering of dead trees ran along the shore, their branches white and scarred. Between two of these trees hung a hammock. Several fishing rods were set up beside the hammock, the lines of each disappearing into the dark water. What kind of fish was Death hoping to catch up here in the heavens? Perhaps it was better not to find out. "Hello?" Nanoc called out cheerfully, approaching the hammock. A thin arm stretched out of the hammock and waved slightly. The hammock rocked. One of the fishing rods stood upright, reeling itself in, then cast its line again. "I can smell you, mortal," said a slow, deep voice from the hammock. "Yeah?" Nanoc said, nodding, "Dren and Rotcel keep telling me to bath more, but¡ª" "You smell like burnt cinnamon, gnome. Like ash and smoke, like dancing flames. You smell of Chaos. I didn''t think my big sister still had followers on the world Below, but she was always full of surprises. I hate surprises, gnome. They scare the fish away." The figure in the hammock swung himself into a sitting position and glared at Nanoc. The gnome recognized him immediately: Death, sixth born of the first generation of gods, god of closing eyes, god of silence, god of the fading light. He often claimed to be the god of naps, too, although that was entirely unofficial. He swung himself into a sitting position. He was tall and thin, dressed in a loose black robe. His features flicked ¨C one moment he was an elf, the next he was an orc, then a treeling. Death was universal; he wore every face eventually. He swung backward and forwards on the hammock a few times before coming to a sudden stop, the hammock hanging perfectly still. "What do you want?" he said with a sigh. "To not be dead?" Nanoc suggested. Death gave a little shrug, which suggested that Nanoc''s death wasn''t a problem, and even if it was a problem it wasn''t his problem, so he didn''t care. Death was pretty eloquent with his shrugs. "Denied. Go away," he said. Death did not need to be fair, only final. "But¡ª" Nanoc said. Death sighed, staring upward to the stars above him. "Fine! It won''t change anything, though, but I''d rather not argue. I remember how persistent my sister¡¯s followers could be. Step forward, gnome, and let me see what you have done with your life." He only had to glance at Nanoc to know everything about the gnome, both good and bad. "A magical servant of Chaos gave you a quest," Death said. "It was a banana," Nanoc explained. Death ignored him. "You were to find the fragments of the goddess Chaos, releasing them so that she could rise again. Gutsy, gnome. Order would smite you down for just thinking such things." "Will you tell him?" Death shrugged again, indicating that what Order did or didn''t know was not his business and in any case, the god of silence did not gossip.This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it. "You died while headbutting a vampire who holds a shard of Chaos in his vaults," Death said. The god only seemed mildly impressed by this; he''d heard of every death there ever was. "The vampire has a shard of Chaos?" Nanoc asked, amazed. "You didn''t know? Then why ¨C you know, I don''t care. You DIED TRYING, which means you fulfilled the terms of the quest. Well done." "But I failed," Nanoc said, confused. "The quest said to succeed or DIE TRYING, and you did die trying." Death said. "Didn''t you get that?" "I¡­ did not," Nanoc admitted. "I didn¡¯t think it was an either/or situation. It really makes no sense for it to be like that.¡± "Yes, well, Chaos always cared more about effort than success," Death muttered. "Well, you get a reward, it seems." "Send me back," Nanoc said at once. "Send me back down to finish what I started?" "Are you really so dedicated to that quest? You really want to free Chaos?" Death asked, his eyes narrowing just a little. "You would defy Order himself, defy his empire Below and and the defy the gods and goddesses that serve him Above? You''d really do that, gnome?" There was no point lying to Death. He was the final arbiter of mortal souls, and he could see right into Nanoc''s very essence. "I would," Nanoc said simply. Death chuckled, laying back on his hammock. "So, will you send me back?" Nanoc asked. "Oh, I have a simple rule for situations like this," Death explained casually. "I¡¯ve developed it over the last few thousand years, and it never fails. The rule is: no take backsies. You¡¯re dead, gnome. You can collect your reward in the Court of Life. Goodbye.¡± But Nanoc didn¡¯t leave. ¡°That won¡¯t do,¡± he told the god of Death. ¡°I¡¯m growing tired of this conversation,¡± Death growled. He did not enjoy small talk.One of his fishing lines was bouncing up and down. He stared at it eagerly. ¡°You said I get a reward.¡± ¡°You do.¡± ¡°But I can¡¯t return to life.¡± ¡°No.¡± ¡°But I can pick something else?¡± Death gave another tiny shrug. This one suggested that his growing frustration was going to end badly for the gnome. Yet Nanoc still did not leave. ¡°I want to become your personal assistant, then,¡± Nanoc said. Death groaned. ¡°No, go to the court of Life¡ª¡± ¡°That¡¯s what I want, for my boon,¡± Nanoc continued. ¡°To stay here, with you. Forever. I¡¯d spend my time singing to you.¡± ¡°Singing?¡± Death winced as something splashed in the water. ¡°Yes. Well, singing badly. It¡¯s a skill.¡± This was true: the singing badly skill was generally considered to be one of the most annoying skills Above or Below. Death knew this. ¡°I could smite you, gnome.¡± ¡°Then smite me. I don¡¯t think I can die here ¨C where would I go? I¡¯ll just stick around forever. Besides, you owe me a reward. I want to spend eternity singing for Death.¡± ¡°I¡¯d hate that, gnome.¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°It sounds horrible.¡± ¡°Then send me back to my friends! I can¡¯t just leave them with an angry vampire about.¡± Death signed. ¡°Such loyalty to you friends, and such such heresy to the gods¡­ the followers of Chaos were all the same. Well, who am I, a mere god, to stand in the way of a gnome¡¯s dedication to an impossible quest. Go back, if you like. You¡¯re just going to die stupidly again.¡± He waved a hand. Thick lines of black mana collected around Nanoc, wrapping around him with such force that his soul began to shrink. ¡°Wait! I need a way to kill a vampire,¡± Nanoc shouted out. ¡°I know it¡¯s meant to be impossible to do but¡ª¡± Death held up a finger to silence the gnome. He reached up and plucked a single black hair from his head, then passed it to the gnome. ¡°That will kill anything weaker than a god,¡± he said, ¡°including vampires.¡± Nanoc reached for it, but Death drew it back. ¡°I will give you this thing, gnome, if you make me a promise, an oath on the fate of your very soul.¡± ¡°What is it?¡± Nanoc asked. ¡°This is a binding contract, gnome, with the god of Death myself. This is not to be entered into lightly¡ª" ¡°I already said yes,¡± Nanoc said. Death nodded. ¡°Promise to never visit me again? Ever.¡± ¡°Sure.¡± Death passed the hair over. Nanoc held it carefully between two fingers as if it might explode. ¡°So do I stab the vampire with it, or make him eat it, or¡ª¡± But Death was not inclined to explain himself. The black mana squeezed Nanoc¡¯s soul so hard that it disappeared from heavens Above and was sent back to his body Below, flowing back into his old skin and bones. There was no pain, only a sense of falling from a great height in a dream, jerking awake before hitting the ground. Nanoc vanished from the heavens Above and found himself back down on the world Below. Where Dren was about to give him the kiss of life. 55. A visit to the Dogtor Far beneath Death''s domain, down on the world Below, Nanoc woke into darkness. His body felt warm and numb, as if lying in a bath. That was good. He felt a sharp pain in his side. That was not good, not good at all. Yet he didn''t open his eyes or even try to push the pain away. He was too tired. "He''s dead," said an unfamiliar voice right by his ear. "Look at him; there''s barely a drop of blood left in his body. Trust me, I''ve seen this before. He can''t be any more dead." "Do you know, I can''t believe that," Dren protested. "He wouldn''t die like this." "You don''t think he can die?" the unfamiliar voice asked. "Everyone dies." "Maybe¡­. But I always assumed he''d get eaten while arguing with a dragon, or while fishing for a kraken, or from eating too many pies in one go," said Rotcel. She sounded worried. "Nanoc was due for a big death. Not this." "He''s definitely dead." Nanoc frowned slightly. Who was that unfamiliar voice speaking with such fraudulent authority? He wasn''t dead¡­ although he didn''t know where he was or how he had gotten there. He felt a light pressure on his mouth. Air filled his lungs. That was good. Someone punched in in the chest. That was not good, either. Pain, punches. Somebody should do something about that. Someone else. Not him. He was still sleeping. "I told you to stop that," the unfamiliar voice said, sounding more tired than angry. "Your friend is dead. You two should get out of here before you''re dead, too. The vampire¡ª" "Vampire!" Nanoc shouted, sitting up. "I want to have a word with that worm-filled walking corpse!" He opened his eyes and flailed his arms wildly, catching the edge of a lamp and sending it crashing to the ground. He was in a crowded room with a ceiling so low that Dren''s head was bumping against it. Shelves of potions covered the walls and strange medical instruments hung from the roof. Then Nanoc''s vision began to blur, his head felt heavy, and he lay back down. "Do you know," Dren said with the quiet satisfaction of a follower of Knowledge who has just been proven right, "I don''t think he''s quite as dead as you thought." "He could be undead," Rotcel warned. "He¡¯s so pale and cold. Shouldn¡¯t his face have more¡­ color? And warmth? Are his scales going to fall off now? I don¡¯t know how it works for mammals.¡± Nanoc groaned. His friends, Dren and Rotcel ¡®Loc, were standing right above him. Dren looked pleased, but Rotcel had a knife out. ¡°Say something to prove you aren¡¯t undead,¡± Rotcel demanded. ¡°You think I''m a zombie? Go farm radish, Rotcel!¡± ¡°How dare you! I¡ª¡± A third head, small and covered in white hair, shoved Rotcel aside. Gnomish hands forced a spoonful of hot liquid into Nanoc¡¯s mouth. It burned, but in a good way, and he gasped. Then he was rolled over, poked, prodded, and bandaged. ¡°Where am I?¡± he asked. ¡°This is my mum¡¯s place,¡± Lrac said from somewhere beyond the table. ¡°She¡¯s the village veterinary surgeon. ¡°After your friends found you, we came here.¡± There were no doctors or nurses in the village. The vampire¡¯s approach to gnome healthcare was that anyone who fell sick or dropped dead would be fed to the ghouls. This had been a good incentive for the gnomes to never, ever, admit to any illness. The same was not true of the animals, though. The vampire¡¯s friends liked chops from time to time, and that meant sheep. Healthy sheep. The ghouls liked milkshakes ¨C although you don¡¯t want to wonder about the flavors ¨C and that meant cows. Somebody needed to look after them, to keep them healthy until they were eaten, which meant a gnomish veterinarian. The veterinarian stared down at Nanoc and shook her head. She was no stranger to blood and broken bones, and she knew Nanoc was in a bad way. ¡°You should be dead¡­ and you might still get there. I¡¯ll do what I can,¡± she said, ¡°but I don¡¯t know much about humanoids. I mostly work with dogs, you see.¡± ¡°Rotcel,¡± Nonac gasped, grabbing the lizardling¡¯s arm. ¡°Rotcel, listen to me!¡± ¡°What?¡± the lizardling said, looking at the gnome in panic. ¡°What?¡±A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation. ¡°She¡¯s¡­ she¡¯s¡­ a Dog-tor!¡± Nanoc gasped. A Dog-tor. Ha ha!¡± The lizardling let go of the gnome, dropping him onto the table with a thump. The veterinarian smiled with the strained patience of someone who had heard that joke many, many times before and hadn¡¯t even considered it funny the first time around. ¡°That¡¯s right, it¡¯s true. If you were a dog, I¡¯d be able to help you a lot more, but as it is¡­¡± she gave an apologetic shrug, ¡°My abilities only work on animals, you see. I can stop the bleeding, but that¡¯s about all.¡± ¡°What if Nanoc was an animal?¡± Dren asked, looking up from his book of spells. ¡°What if he were a cat?¡± ¡°A cat? Well, yes, then¡ª¡± ¡°Or a fish? A lizard? An eel¡ª¡± ¡°Any animal, yes,¡± the vet said patiently. ¡°But I don¡¯t think¡ª" ¡°How interesting,¡± Dren muttered. ¡°I really must make a note of it. Oh, and also, Tac Gib¡¯s pet-rify!¡± There was a flash of blinding orange light as Nanoc¡¯s body shrunk to a large poodle, which barked indignantly. ¡°Did you just¡ª¡± the veterinarian asked. ¡°He did,¡± Rotcel¡¯ Loc said, shaking her head. The veterinarian shrugged. ¡°Well, good. I can work with that.¡± It was sometime later that Nanoc woke. He was a gnome once again, and he felt much better. His flame elemental was sitting on the toes of his left foot, filling the room with a warm, dancing light. It gave him a cheerful wave. His friends had left, but the veterinarian was still by his side, sleeping in a chair.
Congratulations! You have annoyed DEATH, sixth born of the gods! You have been banned from his presence! You have defied ORDER, second born of the gods, by refusing to go to the court of Life and Death as mortals are expected to. Chaos would be proud of you! Or she wouldn¡¯t notice! Who knows! You are now a level 9 barbarian! New ability unlocked: Hello, old fiend. You may summon a monster you have previously defeated to your fight¡­ but whose side will they join? They might help you. They might eat you. They might ignore you. There is only one way to find out. This ability can be used once per week.
¡°Right,¡± Nanoc said. Hello, old fiend sounded risky, with a high chance of backfiring. Any reasonable person would hesitate before using it. Nanoc wanted to do it immediately¡­ but knew he had to save it for later. He yawned so loudly that he woke the veterinarian up. She grumbled as she checked his bandages and his head. Nanoc said nothing, letting her complain as she worked. At last, when she was satisfied that her patient was in no danger from his injuries, she slapped him across the back of his head and then sat down in the chair again. ¡°Ouch?¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Do you do that to all your patients, or¡ª" ¡°You¡¯re a troublemaker and a danger to everyone you come across,¡± the veterinarian told Nanoc sternly. This was not meant to be a compliment, but Nanoc took it as one. He nodded eagerly. The vet glared at Nanoc, expecting him to apologize, then realized he never would. She sighed. ¡°I should thank you, I suppose,¡± the veterinarian said. ¡°My daughter tells me that you rescued her from the vampire. You must be very brave.¡± She looked at Nanoc as if she couldn¡¯t quite believe it. A brave gnome? That was rare, almost unique. A brave gnome who could fight? Impossible. The flame elemental made a rude gesture at her, which she pretended not to see. ¡°The vampire thinks she¡¯s dead,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°She might want to keep it that way.¡± ¡°This is what she gets for making trouble,¡± the veterinarian complained. ¡°I warned her to do as she was told; I really did. She just called me an obedient slave and a traitor to the race of gnomes.¡± Nanoc laughed. The vet leaned over and tightened a bandage on his left until he winced. ¡°I will concede I may have been too passive in my political views,¡± she said. ¡°Perhaps I should have spoken up when the vampire¡¯s friends starting hunting my neighbors for sport, but I didn¡¯t want to make a fuss, you know.¡± This was in line with the typical gnomish philosophy: the hope that staying silent about problems would keep them safe from them. It never did, but they only learned that when it was too late. ¡°This is why gnomes make great servants,¡± Nanoc muttered. ¡°A whole race of scaredy cats.¡± ¡°What? I¡¯m not scared!¡± the veterinarian protested. ¡°I¡¯m just¡ª¡± This might have started a huge argument about the role of the individual in society ¨C they had such different views ¨C but luckily they were interrupted by Dren and Rotcel entering the room before things got too philosophical. ¡°How¡¯s the patient?¡± Rotcel asked. ¡°Incredibly ¨C and annoyingly ¨C healthy,¡± the vet said. ¡°I¡¯d say it¡¯s a miracle, but miracles are meant to be good things. You can take off the bandages now. Then you can get the hell out of here. Take my daughter, too. That might be best for you.¡± She left. ¡°Do you know, she seemed annoyed,¡± Dren said thoughtfully. ¡°I wonder why?¡± ¡°She did just meet Nanoc,¡± Rotcel suggested. ¡°True.¡± The elf and the lizardling looked at their gnomish friend. He was a little battered, but there was a flicker of adventure in his eyes that they had learned to dread. ¡°We should get out of here,¡± Rotcel warned. ¡°Do you know, that does seem like the best idea,¡± Dren agreed. ¡°Oh, but I¡¯m going back to see the vampire,¡± Nanoc said cheerfully. ¡°But he¡¯ll kill you this time!¡± ¡°So? He killed me last time, and it wasn¡¯t so bad. And this time I know what I¡¯m doing. This time I¡¯m going to kill him!¡± ¡°How?¡± ¡°With this!¡± Nanoc said, holding the single strand of Death¡¯s hair like a magical sword. The others didn¡¯t look impressed. ¡°It¡¯s a hair,¡± Rotcel said. ¡°A hair from Death¡¯s own head,¡± Nanoc corrected him. Dren rushed forward, casting a spell of inspection and gasping at what he learned. ¡°Do you know, I¡¯d actually like to see how that works,¡± Dren said thoughtfully. ¡°Yes, I can¡¯t leave without knowing what happens.¡± ¡°I¡¯m out,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said firmly. ¡°I don¡¯t see any possible reason to stay¡ª" ¡°The vampire is rich, and after we kill him you can steal everything he has,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°¡ªother than loyalty to my friends,¡± Rotcel said. ¡°My wonderful, wonderful friends who would want me, Rotcel, to have most of the treasure¡­ right?¡± Nanoc shrugged. ¡°You can have it all.¡± ¡°Except the books,¡± Dren said. Rotcel squealed with glee. 56 It’s a good plan, and it almost always works The town veterinary surgeon lived with her family in a cottage on the edge of town. Her home was surrounded by barns of sleeping sheep who jumped in fright as Nanoc barged past them, humming loudly. The sun was rising over the forest, casting long shadows through the leaves. Morning. The perfect time to kill a vampire. Nanoc was smiling; Dren was not. ¡°Can you explain the plan to me again, please?¡± Dren asked, worried. ¡°There are bits I don¡¯t feel I fully understand.¡± ¡°We kill everyone,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°And then we steal everything and run away,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc added. ¡°Do you know, that¡¯s the same plan we always use,¡± Dren said patiently. ¡°And while it is a good plan and does generally work¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s a great plan, and it always works,¡± Nanoc said confidently. ¡°It didn¡¯t work with the landfish,¡± Rotcel muttered, looking greener than ever. ¡°We don¡¯t talk about that,¡± Dren continued, glaring at his friend. ¡°In this case I was asking about the details. First, we have to defeat the army of ghouls and ghosts, then fight the giant bone monster Nanoc told us of, and finally, defeat the vampire himself. And your plan for this is to¡ª¡± ¡°Wait,¡± Nanoc said, stopping suddenly. ¡°What is that?¡± A wall of gnomes was waiting for them outside the vet¡¯s cottage. The gnomish revolutionaries, Lrac and Xram, were standing at the head of the other gnomes. It was a mob, although the gnomes were far too quiet, stood in neat lines, and were too gnomish to be threatening. A few had brought weapons, but most only held rulers, books, and pens. The whole village was there: the young, the old, the short, the shorter. They stood nervously, shuffling their feet, but they did not run away. ¡°Are you¡­ going to attack us?¡± Dren asked. He wasn¡¯t worried, merely collecting data. The gnomes looked at each other, then at their feet, then at the sky, and finally at their leaders. ¡°We have come to help you defeat the vampire,¡± Lrac said loudly. ¡°We¡¯ve had enough of living as his slaves.¡± ¡°Yeah!¡± Xram shouted. ¡°Let us fight in solidarity today that we might live in utopia tomorrow! As long as we don¡¯t die!¡± A hundred gnomes cheered, but quietly, so that the vampire didn¡¯t hear them. Lrac had spent the night telling them of Nanoc¡¯s adventures, and Nanoc¡¯s bravery had inspired them ¨C they had never thought a gnome could be so bold or so dangerous (or so sweaty). They envied him. He had breathed onto the embers hiding in their souls, re-igniting the fires of rebellion that nobody, not even the gnomes, had known were still burning. These were the flames of courage, the flames of Chaos herself, that still burned in the the heart of every mortal despite Order¡¯s best efforts. One of Chaos¡¯s great gifts to the mortals was that every single one of them, no matter how humble, could get angry. Even gnomes. After years of serving the vampire, the rage they had suppressed for so long was finally bubbling up and boiling over. And so the impossible had become inevitable: the gnomes had gathered together to fight. ¡°Well, not to fight, obviously,¡± Xram said nervously. ¡°While the revolution most wholeheartedly supports such endeavors against the oppressors, we aren¡¯t ourselves willing to be involved in them, or at least not yet.¡± This was a common problem with revolutions: the philosophy was willing, but the flesh was scared. Could anyone blame them? The gnomish villagers were small, and mostly too cowardly to get into a fight. Despite their fear, they had at least gathered to watch Nanoc fight, and maybe offer a few shouts of encouragement from a safe distance away. That was immense bravery, for a gnome. Nanoc was proud of them. He turned to to address the crowd. ¡°Everyone thinks that gnomes are weaklings, cowards, no good for anything except doing paperwork or assembling clocks,¡± Nanoc shouted.
Taunt failed! You thought you¡¯d make them angry by insulting them¡­ instead, they just agree with you.
The gnomes were all nodding, as were Dren and Rotcel. It was true; everyone thought that about gnomes, even the gnomes themselves. That would have to change. Nanoc paused, considering his next words.Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences. ¡°But gnomes can be more than that,¡± Nanoc said, speaking slowly. ¡°We can choose our own paths! We can be anything we want to be! I¡¯m the universe''s only clerk-barbarian double class, and if I can do that, you can do anything!¡± This statement was met with looks of disbelief. A gnome, choosing their own path? Unheard of. Madness. Those were the words of Chaos, and every gnome of any sense knew to be scared of such things. Yes, Nanoc had done the impossible, but he was unique, a gnome set apart. The other gnomes didn¡¯t think they could ever be like him. But they could. All he needed to do was convince them. That would take a miracle, but luckily Nanoc knew just where to find one. There had to be some advantage of carrying around a magical fruit, after all. ¡°Tough crowd. Can I get a little help here?¡± Nanoc muttered to the banana in his belt. It buzzed.
New skill: Dramatic speech! Using your words rather than your fists might sound like an unusual strategy for a barbarian, but this charisma-based skill can give a huge boost to your allies. A boost that they really, really need.
Nanoc tried again, this time using his new Dramatic speech! ability. He was louder this time, his words landing with more impact. ¡°For as long as anyone can remember, the vampire has stolen your daylight hours to feed his factories and given you nothing for your nights but terrors and fear!¡± he said, dramatically. His words made the gnomes shout in anger, their little faces turning red. Nanoc smiled; this was more like it. ¡°You tell yourselves that evil won¡¯t look your way if you just mind your own business, but that¡¯s not true, is it? Evil is here now, and you cannot pretend otherwise! The vampire has taken your friends, your freedom, your future! I say we take them back! Who is with me?¡± ¡°Yeah!¡± Xram shouted. ¡°Yeah?¡± another gnome said, with less certainty, then changed to ¡°Yeah!¡± ¡°Yeah? Yeah! Down with the vampire!¡± ¡°Down with the vampire!¡± The mob took up the chant, their words gaining volume and rhythm as they became more confident. They fell out of line, grabbed shovels and hammers to replace their pens and rulers, jumped and yelled, and became a proper mob. ¡°Do you know, I never thought I¡¯d see the day that gnomes would stand up for themselves,¡± Dren shouted over the noise. ¡°They¡¯re all going to die,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc grumbled, then brightened up. ¡°They¡¯ll make a great distraction, though. The vampire will be so busy killing them that he won¡¯t even notice us escaping.¡± ¡°Down with the¡ªwait, what did the lizardling say?¡± demanded a nearby gnome, suddenly timid. Nanoc kicked Rotcel in the leg and said, ¡°She said that the vampire will be so busy being killed that he won¡¯t even notice you escaping?¡± The gnome nodded. ¡°Kill the vampire!¡± he yelled. ¡°Nanoc!¡± shouted a voice. ¡°Nanoc! Is there a gnome here that goes by the name of Nanoc?¡± A tall, skinny orc in a black business suit ran up to the gnomes. He had a cardboard folder filled with papers tucked under one arm and three drops of sweat already working their way down his green face. ¡°Who are you?¡± Nanoc demanded. ¡°I¡¯m a lawyer,¡± the orc said nervously. ¡°I represent the Guild of Botanists. Your grandmother is suing them regarding misleading use of the word ¡®berry,¡¯ and I was just hoping¡ª¡± Nanoc just shook his head. ¡°Not now! We¡¯re about to storm the manor house!¡± They reached the manor house, the gnomes marching together as the world¡¯s least scary mob. Despite the hour, they must have been seen on the way. The ghouls were waiting for them. The undead had formed up in a messy pool of bodies in front of the manor house. They stood, gibbering and hungry, pointing eagerly at Nanoc. There were hundreds of them. The gnomish villagers shrunk back, the tiny flicker of courage burning in their hearts suddenly at risk of dying. Only the orcish lawyer seemed unworried ¨C he drew out a pocket watch, looked at it, and sighed. ¡°Do you know,¡± Dren said slowly. ¡°There are quite a lot of ghouls there, Nanoc. ¡°If I had to count, I would say¡­ far too many?¡± ¡°Nah,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°Nah?¡± Dren repeated, confused. ¡°Well¡­. Yeah, that¡¯s a lot of ghouls, but can you ever really have too many people at a party. I wonder if they like beer?¡± ¡°What? Why would you¡ª¡± Nanoc clicked his fingers. A high pitched deee deee deee, dooo dooo doo sounded out above them. Rotcel, who knew the sound well, grinned. Ghouls and gnomes looked about uncertainty, and the orcish lawyer frowned at the high-pitched sound. The deee dooo was replaced with deedeedoodododoo and then, finally, doododoo. ¡°Wait for it,¡± Nanoc warned the gnomes. ¡°Wait for it.¡± ¡°Wait for what?¡± a gnome called out. ¡°What is that? Is it a bird? Is it a dragon? Is it¡­ a stone inn made in the renaissance style with demonic flourishes?¡± It was. The Innstant fell from the sky right into the ghouls. A broad flagstone was the first to land, falling right onto a ghoul and squashing it flat. This was followed by several more flagstones that hammered the ghouls, then a set of bricks that formed a wall around the beasts, protecting their escape. There were thuds and moans as the Innstant assembled itself on top of the ghouls. A few of the undead creatures managed to run, but they were knocked out by falling pots of plants. The roof dropped on with the clunk-thunk tunk of tiles, and every window and door burst open simultaneously. ¡°Can you smell that? I think Reeb¡¯s been baking,¡± Nanoc said, pleased. There was nothing left of the ghoul army except a few groans and a lot of cursing. The mob of gnomes, brave in the face of an enemy that was already defeated, rushed forward to finish off the survivors. Nanoc walked in through the front door of the Innstant and walked out the back door a moment later, a pie in one hand and a human-sized axe in the other. He surveyed the chaos of the gnomes fighting the ghouls with a broad smile of approval. ¡°Good,¡± he called out. ¡°Good. Now, see if you can steal their wallets while they¡¯re down.¡± The ghouls were defeated. The vampire awaited. Nanoc walked towards the manor house. 57. An elegant break-in Nanoc and his friends broke into the vampire''s manor house through a window. Rotcel'' Loc winced as Nanoc''s fist hit the window with a crash, shattering the glass but leaving a border of crystal teeth around the window frame. Rotcel touched the razor-sharp edge of the glass in trepidation. "That¡¯s¡¯ pretty sharp,¡± she warned. ¡°Why don¡¯t you let me¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s fine,¡± Nanoc said, confidently swinging himself through the window. ¡°All you have to do is¡ªouch! My hand! By the seven heavens, that hurt!¡± As he fell into the manor house his hand caught on a long piece of glass. The pain surprised him, and instead of landing well he fell right onto his head. Nanoc sat up, nursing his hand. A moment''s reflection would have allowed him to agree that, perhaps, he should have listened to his rogue friend more closely, but reflection was not on a barbarian¡¯s skill list. Besides, he was in, wasn¡¯t he? ¡°Come on,¡± he said to his friends. ¡°What are you waiting for?¡± Dren looked at Rotcel ¡®Loc, who knocked out the worst of the glass shards with her knife before swinging herself in. She turned and helped Dren through. Neither of them were hurt. ¡°Is that how you broke in last time?¡± Dren asked Nanoc. ¡°Pretty much.¡± ¡°No wonder you were killed! Don¡¯t you ever think of using stealth? Moving in silence? Not announcing our arrival to every foe within ear range?¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc said reproachfully. ¡°No,¡± Nanoc said honestly. ¡°I solve all my problems by punching them.¡± This approach was typical of a barbarian, and partly explained why very few of this class managed to make it to higher levels, because not every problem can be solved with violence. Taxes, for example. Or romance. Or crosswords. Magic, too, although perhaps not the mages who cast it. Who knew what unpunchable dangers the manor held? All of them, or none of them? Dren and Rotcel shared a look of pained patience. They knew that keeping Nanoc alive was going to be hard work. ¡°You¡¯ve walked this way before, Nanoc,¡± Rotcel said. ¡°Yeah?¡± ¡°So, is there anything we should be wary of?¡± ¡°Well,¡± Nanoc said, frowning. ¡°There was something I was going to mention, wasn¡¯t there? What was it now? I think it was important. I¡ª" A screaming ghoul fell from a trapdoor in the ceiling onto Dren, pinning the elf to the ground. The ghoul opened its mouth to reveal dirty teeth that dripped saliva over Dren¡¯s face. Nanoc leaned over and punched the ghoul in the head, knocking it clean out. Dren rolled the ghoul off and stood up, eyeing the beast distastefully. Rotcel stared up at the ceiling. She couldn¡¯t see any more ghouls up there, yet their absence did nothing for her pounding heart. ¡°Was the thing you wanted to mention about ghouls falling from above?¡± she demanded. ¡°Because that would have been good to know five minutes ago.¡± Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author. ¡°It wasn¡¯t that,¡± Nanoc said. ¡°It was something else entirely.¡± They walked further down the corridor, past tall portraits whose eyes turned to watch them go. Further down the corridor was a door guarded by two sets of metal armor standing like eternal soldiers. Above the door were mounted dozens of monstrous heads from beasts the vampire had hunted for fun, including several enormous wolves. Rotcel stared at the heads for a long while, but they did nothing. ¡°I think¡ª¡± she began. The armor burst into life, swinging a mace at Nanoc¡¯s head. The little gnome ducked beneath the blow ¨C he was naturally gifted in this way ¨C and the armor stumbled forward. Rotcel stuck out a foot and tripped a plated leg, sending the armor stumbling onto its visor. It hit the ground with a chorus of clanks, breaking apart. A second suit of armor rushed forward only to be met by Dren¡¯s glowing hand. ¡°Ytlas Ria¡¯s spell of greater rust!¡± he shouted, holding out a hand palm-forward. The enchanted armor crumbled, falling into red chunks of iron that became dust, leaving nothing but a nasty mark on the carpet and a helmet that rolled forward and tried to headbutt Dren in the foot. The elf kicked the hollow head down the corridor. ¡°Nanoc, can¡¯t you warn us about stuff like that?¡± Rotcel snapped. ¡°No,¡± Nanoc said, staring at the heads above the door. ¡°They weren¡¯t here last time. And besides, the thing I wanted to say was far more¡ª" There was a loud click below their feet as they entered the room. Rotcel ¡®Loc leaned over and grabbed Dren by the collar as the room¡¯s floor fell away beneath the elf, revealing a black hole into the abyss. Dren balanced precariously on the edge of the darkness until Rotcel pulled him back. The elf stumbled into Rotcel, sending them both collapsing onto the ground. A wire cage erupted around Rotcel. The lizardling was too fast, rolling out of the way as the cage fell over with a clang. ¡°What was it that I was meant to tell you, now?¡± Nanoc wondered, still looking at the heads on the wall. ¡°Ah, well, I¡¯m sure it will come to me.¡± Dren leaped to his feet at once, peering over the edge of the abyss. He drew the stub of a pencil from a pocket and dropped it, listening carefully to hear it land. There was a long, long wait before the distant sound of lead hitting stone rose up to them. Dren made a note of it in his notebook. As he turned, his foot caught a loose flagstone and a crossbow bolt fired from a crack in the wall, shooting the notebook out of his hand, spinning through the air, and slapping Rotcel across the head with its shaft. The lizardling fell backward, cursing her companions and their complete ignorance of the dangers around them. ¡°Ah!¡± Nanoc said, suddenly pleased with himself. ¡°I remember! This place is full of traps, so don¡¯t¡ª¡¯ He turned around and saw Rotcel still on the ground. He walked over and helped her up. He didn¡¯t notice the arrow. ¡°This is no time for a nap, Rotcel,¡± he said reproachfully. ¡°Traps,¡± Rotcel said slowly. ¡°This place is full of traps, Nanoc.¡± ¡°Yes! That¡¯s what I just said. But you¡¯re great with traps. This will be fun for you, right?¡± Rotcel sighed. She wanted to slap the little gnome, but he was right. She was great with traps. Beating each trap brought her almost as much joy as stealing what they protected. If she had been working by herself, she would have been fine. Unfortunately, Dren was a magnet for every trigger, pressure plate, tripwire, and trick lever with the words ¡®Pull me¡¯ were written on it. Keeping the curious elf alive was a huge challenge. And Nanoc was no better. He acted like the traps couldn¡¯t affect him. Rotcel signed. She sometimes missed working with Guild-trained adventurers who avoided traps rather than triggering them out of clumsiness or, far worse, curiosity to see what they would do. ¡°Do you know, that arrow broke my notebook,¡± Dren complained, holding up the damaged pages. ¡°I really liked this notebook, too.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t fret, Dren! I know how important recording everything is for you, and I¡¯ll make sure you get another one,¡± Nanoc said kindly. ¡°I¡¯ll buy you one at the next village, or maybe we could steal one from the vampire.¡± Dren nodded gratefully. Rotcel smiled. That¡¯s why she stuck around. The chance to steal stuff. ¡°Follow me,¡± she said. ¡°And watch where you put your feet. Nanoc, was there anything else in here that we need to worry about?¡± ¡°The ghouls? The bone beast? The vampire?¡± ¡°Other than them?¡± ¡°No?¡± he ventured. Rotcel shook her head in disbelief but led the way down the corridor with Nanoc and Dren following behind her, the little gnome whistling as he walked. As they left, the ghost floated down from the ceiling and watched them go. 58. Ectoplasm The vampire''s manor house was shrouded in an unwelcoming gloom on even the brightest days, a grim darkness that attracted all sorts of unnatural and unlovable beasts. Shadows were its watchword, despair its motto, darkness its manifesto. It was, in terms of architecture, an impressionable teen in the middle of their goth phase. It was therefore something of a shock to everyone in the building when a bright flash of light erupted from a rooms on the lower floor, a tsunami of light that flowed through the corridors blinding all who saw it. For a moment the whole world was perfectly white. Nothing could be seen. Plenty could still be heard, though. "Gods dammit, Dren!" Rotcel shouted, her words echoing after the light. "You said it would be a small wave of light! They would have seen that from the other side of the world!" "Do you know, I''m sorry, but I was distracted by that ghost¡ª" "What? A ghost? Where?" "There!" "It''s got teeth! Run!" Nanoc and his friends stumbled out of the room where the light had formed and into the corridor, collapsing on the ground, wheezing and groaning until, at last, the world around them became blurred colors, then shapes, then gloom of the corridor. The ghost watched all this with anticipation ¨C it liked its victims scared. Terrified, if possible. They tasted better that way. It reached out a spectral hand towards Rotcel'' Loc, and the lizardling fell out of its way. Nanoc punched the ghost, falling right through it but doing no damage. "That won''t work!" Rotcel snapped. "It''s a ghost, Nanoc! They''re immune to physical damage!" "I know that! I hate this thing! It got me last time, too!" "What? Last time? Then why didn''t you warn¡ª" The ghost swooped down, and Dren dived out of the way. Rotcel helped the elf to his feet only to use his body as a shield when the ghost reached out for them. Nanoc punched the ghastly creature through its chest; it bit him in the neck. The trio of friends retreated, unable to hurt the specter. The ghost frowned ¨C the trio were scared enough, yet. They needed to be terrified to be sufficiently tender. The ghost gasped and groaned, its arms and claws were growing in size, its teeth longer with every second. The ghost grinned. It thought its meal was nearly ready. It was dead wrong. "Ah!" Dren said, cheerfully. "Look, it''s really puffing itself up there¡­ its taking its final form! Fascinating! Even it''s teeth are growing. I must take a note of this!" The ghost deflated a little. It had never had a victim so interested in the size and shape of its teeth before. Dren patted his pockets, looking for a pencil. "¡ªasked you if there was something more to be worried about¡ª" Rotcel was shouting at Nanoc. She was too angry to be scared. Nanoc was still trying to punch the ghost, even though that didn''t work at all. The ghost shrank down a little, its translucent shape fading in the face of a trio who did not fear it, although they should. Then it shrugged; it could still kill them, even if they weren''t particularly scared. It drew itself up. Rotcel turned and threw a knife right through its eye; the ghost blink out of an ancient habit, no damage was done. Only magic could stop a ghost. This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it. "Dren!" Rotcel shouted. "Dren, do a spell or something!" "Do you know, I just want to complete this diagram and¡ª""Dren!" The ghost swooped down, knocking the notebook from Dren''s hand. The elf frowned at this rude behavior. "Fireball!" he shouted, holding up a hand. "No!" Rotcel yelped, but it was too late. There was a flash of bright purple fire and a wave of flame that took off Nanoc''s eyebrows and the outer scales on Rotcel''s head. Wild hands of fire reached through the air for the ghost, finding nothing, then settled for burning whatever they could reach. Nanoc was closest. Luckily for him, he was mostly fireproof. He looked around, patting his smoking hair. He could not see the ghost. "Did it work?" he asked. The ghost emerged from the charred wall, smiling. It had floated through the wall and away from danger the moment it had seen Dren casting a spell. "Try something else!" Rotcel demanded. "Yeah, something bigger!" Nanoc said enthusiastically. "Bigger?" Dren said, frowning. "Do you know, there is one thing I have always wanted to try¡ª" "Wait!" Rotcel'' Loc warned, too late. Dren threw a hand out behind him, fingers curled, and yelled ''Yssem''s great disaster!" This time there could be no escape for the ghost. A glowing green hand exploded from Dren''s forehead and flicked the ghost so hard that it hissed in pain. A second hand caught the ghost by the leg, a third by the hand, a fourth by its back, and then the hands pinched and pulled, the ghost squirming uncomfortably. A final hand, black and yellow, formed a massive fist behind the ghost, then extended its fingers into the specter and¡ª A piece of burning hair fell into Nanoc''s eyes, so he didn''t see what the hand did, but the specter exploded. A wave of sticky green ectoplasm splattered across the walls, ceiling, and floor. Nanoc and his friends were not spared, either. It got into their eyes, their mouths, their noses. No part of their bodies was spared. They were a sorry sight, covered in the sticky green ectoplasm that hissed as it dripped to the floor. "Yuck." Rotcel drew a cloth and wiped the ectoplasm in annoyed silence. Dren ripped a page from one of his many textbooks and glumly used it to wipe the worst of the goo from his face. Neither of them was looking at Nanoc. "A ghost," Rotcel snapped. "There was a ghost, Nanoc. A ghost that exploded." "Dren was responsible for the explosion," Nanoc pointed out. This was technically true, although blaming the elf was rather unfair. The spell he''d used, Yssem''s great disaster, was notoriously gross. He only used it in emergencies ¨C although it was effective, it came with a high dry-cleaning cost. He would have prepared a better spell if he knew there was a ghost in the building. The skinny field scholar didn''t even bother pointing this out but continued to clean himself with morose ineffectiveness. "Yeah, I guess I forgot to mention the ghost!" Nanoc said, ectoplasm dripping down his chest. "It slipped my mind. Anyways, I''m as sticky as either of you!" "Do you know, you certainly are not," Dren said, trying and failing to clean a blob from his ear. "You are not. There is simply less of you than there is of me, and subsequently, there is more area of me for the goo to attach to. This is mathematics." Nanoc shrugged. Being short did, sometimes, work in his favor. But he was still covered from head to toe. "When I asked you if there were any other dangers we needed to know about in this manor house," Rotcel said, pronouncing each word slowly. "Did you not think a ghost would be worth mentioning?" "I forgot about him," Nanoc admitted. "What? How could you possibly forget¡ª" "I did die," Nanoc reminded his friends. "Which was distracting." This was only partly true: he had ascended to the heavens Above and met Death, sixth born of the gods, in his own domain. But even if he hadn''t died, Nanoc would have forgotten to mention the ghost. At least it was a good excuse. "Well, all that running helped, anyway," Nanoc said. "Look!" They reached a set of stairs that led downwards into the darkness, down to the vaults beneath the manor house, down to where the vampire and most trusted servants stood guarding all that mattered most to him. Rotcel hesitated at the top of the stairs. "Actually," she said. "This is really embarrassing, but I think I left the stove on at the cottage. It might start a fire, and we wouldn''t want that. I''m just going to¡ª" Nanoc grabbed her arm and towed her downwards. 58. Down the stairs Nanoc and his friends edged their way slowly down the spiral staircase. Rotcel'' Loc was several steps in front, her eyes looking for any trap or trigger that would reveal their stealthy approach. Not that it took traps to stop them: Dren''s eyes grew large when he saw the intricate carvings on the stairwell, and he started taking notes right away. He was halfway through filling a notebook before Nanoc noticed and turned back to get him. "But these are fascinating," Dren protested. He''d summoned a ball of glowing light to better see the inscriptions. "Can you see here? These inscriptions are truly ancient. They must predate the manor by many years. Look here, these lines tell the story of how the goddess Chaos rebelled against the gods¡ª" "Gods," Rotcel ''Loc groaned from further down the stairs. She knew how Dren could be when faced with the temptation of ancient knowledge. "And Chaos leading her army of mortals against the heavens¡­ and this part, about the murder of Essence¡­ although here it says she attacked Chaos rather than the more canonical version of¡ª" "Dren? The vampire?" Nanoc prompted. "Yes, yes. But do you know, this is most interesting! This version is heretical to the empire, and¡ª" "Dren! The vampire!" Dren dropped his pencil, stooping to pick it back up. He turned back to the inscriptions, but Nanoc reached up, took the pencil, and snapped it. Dren patted his pockets, looking for another, when he saw Nanoc''s expression. "Oh, all right. Do you know, I''ll come back to make notes later. What are we doing with the vampire?" Dren said, staring at the walls. "Interviewing him about these carvings?" "Killing him, Dren!" Dren blinked a few times, then he turned away from the carvings, regret in his eyes. "Right. Right. Of course. So do you think there might be time to interview him first, or¡ª" "Do you have Death''s hair?" Rotcel'' Loc whispered, sneaking back to her friends. "Got it," Nanoc said, holding out the thin hair like a knife. "This should be easy." "And are you sure this will work?" "No." "This plan is terrible," Rotcel ''Loc muttered, although she hadn''t thought of a better one - unless running away counted. They reached the final turn in the stairs and, peeking around, they could see that the stairway opened into a large cavern. The vampire was at the far end, sitting on a throne of carved black stone that stood head and shoulders above an army of slavering ghouls and lean, pale accountants. It was not so strange to see accountants in the cavern''s depths ¨C their class generally served Profit, third born of the second generation of gods, god of taking advantage. The agents of Profit could be found wherever there was gold and vampires were rich. Nanoc didn''t even pause at the sight of the skinny accountants and their abaci. "Do it!" he said to Dren. "Well, are you sure? It''s still a bit experimental." This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. "Do it before the vampire sees us!" Rotcel hissed. "Right," Dren said. "Are you ready? Gnome shot!" A huge magical hand formed around Nanoc, picked the gnome up, and flung him forward like a missile. He soared over the ranks of ghouls and bean counters, holding the hair of Death in his hand like a sword before him. Dren''s magical throw was perfect - Nanoc landed on the vampire''s chest and grabbed the villain''s collar. He held the hair of Death like a tiny spear and stabbed the vampire right in the neck with it. "Take that!" Nanoc shouted victoriously. "Gnome-ageddon!" There was a moment of perfect stillness. Silence. Even the dust in the air seemed frozen in place. The hair bent. The vampire did not die. Instead, he grabbed the gnome and held Nanoc before him at arm''s length as if he were inspecting a sewer rat. "Didn¡¯t I kill you already?¡± the vampire asked, surprised. ¡°Take a hint, gnome!¡± He flung Nanoc back towards the stairs with far more force than Dren¡¯s gnome-shot had provided. The vampire had meant it to be a killing blow, and it nearly was. Nanoc flew headfirst towards the stone stairs. He had nearly reached them when Dren muttered a spell. ¡°Ytsats Mallowfy!¡± the elf shouted desperately. The stones glowed white, and when Nanoc landed on them he bounced on soft sugary goodness of marshmallow instead of bone-breaking stone. He slid down to the ground, spitting out bits of fluffy mallow, and hit the ground, rolling towards his friends. Rotcel ¡®Loc put a foot out, stopping the gnome. She didn¡¯t help him up. ¡°Do you know, that didn¡¯t work at all,¡± Dren pointed out. Followers of Knowledge always helped by pointing out the obvious. That¡¯s why they had trouble making new friends ¨C or one of the reasons, anyway. ¡°And now the vampire knows that we are here,¡± Rotcel ¡®Loc added. ¡°So¡­ can we run now?¡± It was too late. A snake made of bones burst out of the darkness, sliding up the wall and onto the stairs behind them, cutting off their escape. The snake seemed endless. It circled them, forming a wall of ever-moving bones that trapped them. ¡°Well¡­ this is¡­ most¡­ WONDERFUL!¡± the snake shouted. ¡°This is¡­ PERFECTION! This¡­ is¡­ POETRY!¡± Nanoc shuddered. He hated poetry. ¡°Wait, that voice is familiar. Don¡¯t we know you?¡± Dren called out. ¡°I¡­ will¡­ CRUSH YOU!¡± ¡°Mary¡¯s little lamb,¡± Dren and Rotcel said at once, nodding. ¡°Not¡­ ANYMORE!¡± The wall of bones grew taller, the snake winding around them at great speed. There were no gaps in the bones and no escape. The snake constricted and grew closer until they were in danger of being crushed by it. ¡°Didn¡¯t you say you had a plan for this?¡± Dren said, nudging Nanoc. ¡°A plan? No, that doesn¡¯t sound like me.¡± Rotcel yelped as a spur of bone caught her across the face. She stepped backward, but there were bones on every side. ¡°Do you know, you definitely said something about having a way to deal with this monster,¡± Dren said reproachfully. "I certainly would not have come all this way if the only plan we had was shooting you!¡± ¡°Shooting me should have worked,¡± Nanoc grumbled. ¡°Let¡¯s try it again and see¡ª¡± ¡°Nanoc!¡± ¡°Oh, all right. Here goes nothing!¡± He held his middle finger up into the air ¨C the classic sign of a Chaos ritual ¨C and used his newest and most dangerous ability. ¡°Hello, old fiend!¡± he screamed.
Hello, old fiend You may summon a random monster you have previously defeated to join your fight¡­ but on whose side? They might help you. They might eat you. They might ignore you. There is only one way to find out. This sounds like a bad idea.
There was a burst of ragged red energy above him. The light formed a circle, a portal. There was the sense of a distant land opening up and Nanoc¡¯s eyes popped from the change in pressure. An enormous, webbed foot emerged from the portal and flailed around for a few seconds, finding no grip. A moment later, a gigantic toad plopped out of the portal and fell to the ground with a thump that shook the manor like an earthquake, shattering the wall of bones around Nanoc and his friends. Everyone in the room reacted at once. ¡°GLUP!¡± the newcomer roared, kicking out at the bones. ¡°GLUP!¡± ¡°What¡­ is¡­ THAT!¡± demanded the beast of bones as it retreated from the stairs and back to its master. ¡°Oh, no!¡± Rotcel groaned, and Dren dropped his pencil. ¡°A toad?¡± the vampire hissed. ¡°You threaten me with a toad?¡± But this was not just any toad, nor just any old fiend. Nanoc had summoned the massive Boss Bane Toad, GLUP!, who was furious at being dragged from his ancestral forests and looking to hurt whoever was closest. He was so large that his head rubbed on the cavern¡¯s ceiling. GLUP! gave a roar so loud that even the vampire winced. The toad pawed the ground in anger. He turned one enormous eye on Nanoc. ¡°GLUP!¡± he demanded. ¡°Hi!¡± Nanoc said cheerfully. ¡°I¡ª" GLUP! shot out an enormous purple tongue that wrapped itself around Nanoc. The toad pulled Nanoc into his mouth and bit down on his waist, leaving him dangling in the air like a gnome lollipop. 60. Hello, old fiend ¡°What¡¯s going on over there?¡± the vampire demanded, waving his army of ghouls and pet accountants towards Nanoc. ¡°What strange strategy is this, to summon a beast to devour you? It¡¯s a bit rude, really, making my ghouls watch that. They¡¯ll get hungry.¡± The vampire had seen a great many things in his unnaturally long life, but he had never seen a gnome eaten by a toad, and certainly not a toad as large as the legendary bane toad boss, GLUP!
GLUP! the Boss Bane Toad Legendary monster! The biggest bane toad in the forest, maybe in the world. GLUP! once ate a small golden dragon because it made fun of one of his froggy followers. The meal gave GLUP! indigestion for weeks, but he thinks it was worth it.
The fearsome boss toad, scourge of the forest, god to the bane toads, seemed quite content to sit in one place and chew on Nanoc¡¯s head. He was so large that even the vampire hesitated to approach him. But Dren knew what to do. ¡°Hey!¡± Dren shouted, waving a finger at GLUP! ¡°Bad toad! Drop the gnome! Drop him!¡± GLUP! did not drop the gnome. He batted Dren away with an enormous foot and shook the gnome from side to side like a toy. Rotcel sighed. Once again, it was up to her to save the day¡­ and she wasn¡¯t even getting paid for it. ¡°No!¡± Rotcel said, running up to the toad and placing a hand on it¡¯s side, ¡°Spit that gnome out right away! Don¡¯t you remember what happened the last time you tried to eat Nanoc?¡± GLUP! glared at the lizardling, but nodded slightly. Perhaps Rotcel could reason with it due to their shared cold blood, or maybe Nanoc didn¡¯t taste too good, but the toad spat Nanoc out onto the floor. The little gnome was covered in light green goo but seemed no worse for it. ¡°That vampire over there,¡± Rotcel said, pointing, ¡°he likes to eat toads for dinner¡­ and he laughs about it, too. Doesn¡¯t that make you angry enough to eat him, instead?¡± GLUP! gave Rotcel a look that suggested that the toad was always angry, and that it was seriously considering eating everyone just to get some peace and quiet. ¡°GLUP?¡± it asked, then added ¡°GLUP!¡± ¡°With barbeque sauce,¡± Nanoc agreed, wiping his face with his hands. ¡°In a stir fry. And he feeds them to the ghouls, too. I bought you here just to get revenge for them.¡± GLUP! narrowed his eyes, thinking. He was a magnificent manifestation of amphibian rage and power, but even he didn¡¯t think people would use barbeque sauce in a stir fry. Nanoc gave the giant toad a thumbs up. Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator. Charisma check¡­. Passed! Whew, that was close. GLUP! doesn¡¯t like being told what to do, but he does like smashing stuff. GLUP! leapt over Nanoc and his friends, slamming into the roof and bouncing back down again with a thump that made the whole cavern jump. He charged at the vampire, but the beast of magical bones that had once been Mary¡¯s little possessed lamb moved to protect its master, forming a wall of spikey bones. The toad slammed into it, an unstoppable object hitting an immovable mass. There was a smash and an odd tinkle as bones flew everywhere, raining down over the cavern. Ghouls rushed forward in a swarm, some trying to bite the toad, others towards Nanoc and his friends. GLUP! bounced towards the vampire, his massive tongue shooting out like a whip to ensnare the villain. The vampire easily slapped the tongue away. GLUP! leapt into the air and slammed down on the vampire¡¯s thrown to crush it, but the vampire moved in a blur to stand far away. A dozen ghouls jumped on GLUP! and the massive toad roared in pain and anger, clawing at his back. The vampire waved to Nanoc and his friends. ¡°That toad is impressive, in a messy way,¡± the vampire said with a condescending smile. ¡°But its not going to stop me, is it?¡± Nanoc sighed. It was true. As much as he hated it, he needed help. He drew the banana of Chaos out of his belt and threw it into the air, where it hovered above him. ¡°A little assistance wouldn¡¯t go astray,¡± Nanoc said to the banana. The banana shrugged, which was a pretty neat trick considering it didn¡¯t have any shoulders. It floated away to look at the inscriptions on the walls, leaving Nanoc on the ground. It was clear that the gnome barbarian could expect no help from the magical fruit. ¡°I prefer apples anyway!¡± he yelled after it. ¡°Do you hear me? Apples!¡± The banana paused for a second, as if it might speak. Then it floated onwards in a huff. Rotcel ¡®Loc snickered, waving to it. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean it!¡± Nanoc shouted after it. ¡°I don¡¯t like apples! I just ¨C gods dammit. Dren? Let¡¯s try the next plan.¡± ¡°Do you know, I feel I must point out¡ª¡± ¡°Do it!¡± Dren sighed. There was just no reasoning with a barbarian during a battle. He muttered a spell and sparkling blue light settled on Nanoc. The gnome grew in size until he towered over the ghouls and beasties. ¡°Show us what you can do, then,¡± Nanoc said, waving the vampire forward. The vampire hissed, but his race was vain and it was in his nature to show off wherever possible. He clapped his hands and muttered a series of secret words which took shape in the air like magical bats before dispersing. Then he charged forward with incredible speed, slamming a shoulder into Nanoc¡¯s enormous form. Or at least, where Nanoc was supposed to be. The illusion shattered and the vampire sped through the air, hitting the side of the cavern like a bat flung into a barn door. Splat! The vampire slid down the wall to the ground. He stood, rubbing his head, and snarled. Then he stepped forward, swaying a little. ¡°Tricks!¡± the vampire said. ¡°Do you really think you can fight me with tricks?¡± ¡°It¡¯s worth a try,¡± Nanoc said from right behind him. The gnome jumped onto the vampire¡¯s back and used Death¡¯s hair like a garrote across the vampire¡¯s neck, cutting into the undead skin. The vampire grabbed at his neck, his fingers scrabbling at the hair. Using the Death¡¯s hair to strangle the vampire was a good plan¡­ but it had a fatal flaw. ¡°I don¡¯t breathe,¡± the vampire said, annoyed. ¡°So you can¡¯t choke me to death. Idiot.¡± ¡°Do you know, I tried to tell him that!¡± Dren shouted from somewhere in the chaotic mess of the underground battle. ¡°I tried to tell him¡ª¡± Nanoc gave up and dropped to the ground. The vampire hissed and spun, reaching for the gnome. Nanoc was already on his feet and running. ¡°New plan!¡± Nanoc shouted. ¡°Rotcel, we need a new new plan!¡±